# Not sure what to do....



## lonerwife (Sep 9, 2009)

This is a complicated situation, so I hope this doesn't get too confusing. My husband and I have been married going on 8 years. He's 52 and I'm almost 47. Second time around for me and third for him. I have a 26 year old son, married and out on his own for a while now. He has two step daughters from wife number 2 and five step grandsons from these two girls.

The step daughters and their husbands are, to put it mildly, not the best parents in the world. Therefore, the kids are pretty much without discipline and have been their whole lives. They range in age from 20 to 14. The oldest has been in jail for drugs, the younger ones skip school, flunk classes, etc.

My husband is a good guy. He has tried for years to help these kids out. He has poured more money than I care to know into school clothes, supplies, toys, cars, motorcyles, etc. because he knows their parents won't or can't do it.

The big problem has occurred in the last 3 or so years. My husband got back into a hobby that he had when he was a younger man that requires a lot of traveling. He has also gotten three of his grandsons into this hobby. No problem, right? Yes, problem.

Motocross is a very expensive and time consuming sport. This requires a lot on maintance on the bikes, at least two to three nights per week during racing season, which is about 10 months out of the year. The grandsons are supposed to help with chores around our house in exchange for my husband paying for their entry fees, meals, hotel rooms, racing gear, etc. Well, when it comes time to mow the lawn or service their bikes or wash their gear, they always have more important things to do. So, we go through the same thing every week, phone call after phone call to get them to do it. Then they show up with all their friends and we have kids all over the place and nothing gets done properly so my husband takes up the slack and does it.

They have been banned from access to the house several times because they have brought friends over while we're not home and left the house unlocked, left a mess in the house and have drank at the house. Each time my husband allows them access back into the house without my knowledge or even telling me about this.

I was a single Mom for ten years after my divorce from my son's father, but I had rules and structure that my son had to follow. He has grown up to be a responsible man. None of these kids have jobs and it's all they can do to even get to school. Their parents are no help. As long as the kids are not in their hair, they don't care.

I can't talk to my husband about this because he get very angry when I try. Last night we had a night to ourselves, or so I thought, until he got on the phone to get the grandsons over to do some little chore that we could have done ourselves, that really had nothing to do with them. I just stayed in the house and read. 

Not sure where to go from here. I know this has been lengthy, and I have really only scratched the surface. I just didn't think that this is where I'd be at this time of my life.

Any advice?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

They're boys and your husband is the best male influence in their lives right now.

Is the expense really the problem? Or that his grandchildren are in your lives?

If they are are drinking booze in your house and messing things up, you have a right to kick them out of the house.

Your husband wants to be in their lives, to be an influence. Motocross riding is a healthy and fun thing for them to do.

Should they do some chores as payment. Sure.

But if your husband is not complaining about doing the yard work, why do you care about that?

It's a learning experience for them. Don't deny them this time with your husband. They will treasure it long after he is gone.

My grandfather has been gone since I was 13. I'm 51 now. I miss going fishing with him way more than any chores we did when I was a kid.


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## lonerwife (Sep 9, 2009)

Okay, the problem is, he does complain when they don't show up to do their chores and he has to do it. Then as soon as they show up, it's all sweetness and light.

The whole thing has taken over our lives. No, I don't have a problem with them being in our lives, I have the problem with them taking over our lives.

I understand he's the only male influence in their lives, but at what point do you use some tough love and start to make them responsible for their actions. They won't go to school and they won't get jobs but they still get to go to races and do whatever else they want. How are they ever going to learn any responsibility?

Yes, you would think I would get some say over what happens in our house, but I'm always over ruled. I have just as much of a problem with my husband on this issue as with the kids, but discussion is out of the question. It's like talking to a brick wall.

Any further suggestions?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

He's carrying some guilt. But since he's the father of the children who don't carry out their duty as parents, doesn't he think that perhaps he's only perpetuating this by having no requirements of the grandchildren?

Put your foot down. This is your house and your money, too. YOu are married so this is community property he's blowing on these kids.

My nephew is into racing, too and he's a very responsible young man. He works and goes to school. He races and his parents help him. But my brother would never put up with the crap your husband is putting up with.

Whatever his guilt, compounding the problem by passing it to the next generation is no way to compensate.

When you are overruled, over rule him. Say NO. You mean it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Yeah, they should be in school or finding work. But on one level, if they are with him they are not in trouble.

You did marry a guy with baggage. Find your tolerance level and draw a line in the sand about the rest.

Make sure he knows it and you stick to it.

Involved is good, take over is not.


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## lonerwife (Sep 9, 2009)

I agree about the baggage. I'm not sure however that you have a complete understanding of their relationship. He's not the real Dad or Grandpa. He married a woman with two girls. Granted he did raise them for while, but these kids and grandkids are STEP. Their blood grandparents don't lift a finger to do anything for them.

I've told him I feel like he's been taken advantage of all the way around, and he says he agrees. If he doesn't put a stop to it, nobody else can.

Thanks for all your input. I really appreciate your views.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

lonerwife said:


> I agree about the baggage. I'm not sure however that you have a complete understanding of their relationship. He's not the real Dad or Grandpa. He married a woman with two girls. Granted he did raise them for while, but these kids and grandkids are STEP. Their blood grandparents don't lift a finger to do anything for them.
> 
> I've told him I feel like he's been taken advantage of all the way around, and he says he agrees. If he doesn't put a stop to it, nobody else can.
> 
> Thanks for all your input. I really appreciate your views.


They've bonded to each other in the same way as a blood relation. You make the distinction because you have not bonded to them.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

michzz said:


> Yeah, they should be in school or finding work. But on one level, if they are with him they are not in trouble.
> 
> You did marry a guy with baggage. Find your tolerance level and draw a line in the sand about the rest.
> 
> ...


given the circumstances on many levels they are in trouble with him.

what kind of role model does he proffer? 

one which allows young men to shirk responsibility and still reap the rewards of a job well done?

one which devalues the wishes and concerns of a wife?

and i wonder to whom you refer when you say 'involved is good, take over is not'

seems to me the husband and step children have taken over a good portion of this woman's life and marriage.

andand finally rspectfully may i suggest the husband seek his wife's tolerance level with this nonsense.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Sounds to me like your dh is getting something out of this: buddies to hang around and do motocross aka "the grandkids".

Does your dh have adult friends to hang with, or just the kids?


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