# Should I be concerned?



## FoodFrenzy (Oct 27, 2013)

Last night, something happened, and I don't know if I am over-reacting or if I should be concerned, so I was hoping for some unbiased advice.

My husband is, in general, a very mild-mannered man. However, his Dad and his brother are both emotionally explosive, and his father is verbally abusive to my husband's mother. My husband tries very hard to control his emotions after years of growing up around the emotional explosions of his father (and parents in general.) Ordinarily, my husband is actually TOO GOOD at controlling his emotions, and we have been in therapy because of it. My husband usually suppresses most/all of his anger, even in situations where he SHOULD be angry and show it. Over the years, he has gotten better with this, however, and I have been very proud of him at the times when he does open up and express his anger in a healthy way. 

My husband's father is very controlling - things ALWAYS have to be HIS way. My husband gets some of this from his Dad, and he can be very controlling with our money. This is another theme we have worked on in therapy, and again, progress has been made here. I am a pretty independent person, and I have done a lot to show him what behaviors I will/will not tolerate. My own Mom was in a terrible domestic violence situation before she met my Dad, and she has always encouraged me to set boundaries... though, sometimes, I think she was paranoid (rightfully so) and may have pushed me to be more fearful of men in general than is probably healthy.

Anyways, background over... last night, my husband was watching a World Series game and his team lost the game in a terrible last-second turn of events. I myself am a football fan, and I know how crushing it can be as a fan to watch your team blow it in the final seconds of a game. HOWEVER, what happened after the team's loss last night is unlike anything I have ever seen, and I am not really sure what to think.

My husband started SCREAMING at the top of his lungs obscenity after obscenity... I am talking F-bombs left and right. It was midnight and I am sure our neighbors must have heard. My husband was jumping up and down, throwing punches in the air and then proceeded to literally THROW HIMSELF onto the ground screaming. The only way I can describe it was like temporary insanity.... he freaking lost his mind. It was like watching a very large 2 year old throw the biggest tantrum of his life. I have never seen anger like this before, and for the first time in my life, I found myself very afraid of my husband. We don't have children, but we have two small pets and in that moment I was afraid for their safety - that if they were near him (the dog was in the room, barking at him) he wouldn't have even noticed and could have easily hurt them accidentally. 

When he was done, he threw himself on the couch and complained that his head was pounding. And then he looked at me and asked if I was okay, probably because I hadn't moved and was still staring in disbelief at the place where my husband had just flipped out. I said "sure" and went upstairs to go to bed. He told me he needed to chill out for a while before he could go to bed. I went upstairs and cried because I was so weirded out by what had happened.

I haven't told him how I feel yet because I am not sure what to say. Part of me feels like I am over-reacting... it's not as though his anger was directed at me, nor did he really become violent. However, I feel like a saw something I never want to see again - like it was a peek behind the curtain, of all the anger that he potentially suppresses. It reminded me very much of his father. And I feel like he will be mad if I tell him this... like he will feel like I am trying to control his emotions surrounding his favorite (and really, only) hobby and past time - baseball.

Thoughts?


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

To answer your question, yes I would be concerned. Being that he is still trying to balance his emotions however, maybe he just went from one extreme to another. 

I would bring it up at the next therapy session. Try not to sound judgmental but do let it be known (in a calm way) how unsettling it made you feel.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

He needs therapy. He also needs to get his brother and d!ck of a father out of his life. 

I no longer have a relationship with my dad because of the very same reason. I moved from my home country to America largely to get away from my dad 's overbearing behavior. I bet we have not spoken five words to each other in ten years. 

Look I'm all for family and togetherness, but when you have one family member who drags everyone else down then it's time to cut that member loose and keep him/her at arms length. Your FIL behaves the way he does because the family condones it and allows hi to get away with it. Your poor husband has walk the high road that he has lost his emotional bearings. Get him help, and keep him away from his toxic dad and brother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

No, I wouldn't be concerned but encouraged ..as backwards as that sounds.

He is learning to moderate his emotions. Before he was in active shut down mode which is just as unhealthy as out of control. Once you take the lid off shut down, some explosions may occur. He kept it safe. He did not redirect his anger to things or pets. He allowed his anger an outlet and kept it safe. This is exactly what he needs to learn and as he learns you will need to give feedback on when or where you felt unsafe as opposed to shocked. If he crosses the line to unsafe, it's is a problem, an immediate problem.

Today would be a really good time to process with him about what he was feeling during and afterward, to try to help him identify what worked for him to release his anger and where your limits are in allowing him temporary leeway.

Of course, this is all predicated that you both will also process this with the therapist.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

My first question is whether he was drinking or not? I watched as my husband did this one football season.....I mean he was kicking furniture around, it was crazy. Had he not been drinking I am not sure his behavior would have been quite the same. My husband came from a very controlling unsafe home, and my husband is very distant and detached, shows little to no emotion but when he drinks some very foul stuff comes out of him.


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## lucky me (Aug 6, 2012)

Yes you should be.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

If the out burst was aimed at anything/anyone in the vacinity then there is an issue to answer here. however, sport is one of those things taht can get epople, especially the male of the species jumping up and down shaking their saber and pouring out loads of testosterone. High energy impact games like American Football, Rugby, Soccer, Australian Rules football, Boxing etc have quite a adrenaline booasting capability. This is evidenct across the world for all to see. However, there are some notes to make here. Were you and your H drinking alchohol? If your H was, then it could have been the dumbing of the inhibitions you witnessed.
If hes been controlling as you say for so long it might well have been a "letting of steam" moment, a lapse of what must be a high concentration process for someone whose familiy seem to have short fuses.
Talk to him! Nicely point out that he seemed to be really worked up at the game and let him explain - he might have been so engrossed that he lost it a little and even now is feeling like a real fool. 
The most important point is that the agression was aimed at the game and and you.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

OK, I just want to throw this out there and this question may be totally from left field (pardon the pun) but -- 

Is he a gambler?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My thoughts: drinking, gambling, or building up to a crisis


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

turnera said:


> My thoughts: drinking, gambling, or building up to a crisis


Or --

drinking, gambling, *AND* building up to a crisis.


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## Jennifer871 (Oct 26, 2013)

Yes I would be concerned. Definitely something to bring up in therapy.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I would be concerned. Very.

What I'd like to know is why you lied to him when he asked you if you were okay?


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

The only thing I would say beyond being concerned is to make sure there wasn't a rather large sum of money missing from your account. Like maybe he lost a very very expensive bet? That is the only possible conclusion I could imagine to elicit that sort of response out of a grown person without any major anger issues.


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## FoodFrenzy (Oct 27, 2013)

Thank you everyone, so much, for all of your support and input. I wanted to be sure to come back and give you all an update, since you were all so gracious to offer your thoughts/concerns.

I talked to him about it the next day. I shared with him honestly that I was frightened by what I saw, and he was extremely understanding. At first, it was a bit of a shock to him - he's of slighter build and usually very mild mannered, so he said he had never considered the possibility that anyone could ever find him "scary." He admitted that he felt sports was a safe outlet, and that perhaps with all the stress he's been under at work lately, he may have reacted more explosively than usual, because it acted as a release valve for some of the pressure that has been building up related to that. He told me that he would never let himself lose control like that in front of me again, because it is unfair for either spouse to ever be afraid of the other. I can assure you, he is not a gambler, and he was not drinking at all that night.

We also brought it up in therapy and the therapist seemed relatively unconcerned. He told my husband that, if his job is really causing so much stress, he needs to find a healthier outlet to vent his frustration, like exercise. He also told me that, given my husband's general demeanor, that I shouldn't be very concerned because he has never showed violent tendencies to me or any other sentient being. I am satisfied with that.

Thank you, again, for your input. It was scary to me, because I had never seen it before, but it seems as though it has been resolved fairly easily.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I read through this initially and my first thoughts were that no, nothing to worry about.  I come from a similar place as your husband. I am very emotionally controlled myself. I don't bury them or anything, but am very good at processing them without any kind of outbursts or anything. This has caused me problems with others in the past because most people aren't used to people like me and your husband. In this day and age of Facebook and crap like that, where everybody seems to express every single damn thing they think or feel to the whole world, it seems to be getting worse.

The probem being like that causes is that people get used to our very controlled nature, and if we express things in an outward way, in a way others consider normal even, it really catches them off guard and makes it seem way worse than it actually is, and in many cases, if you look at it ojectively, what you are recalling is likely way worse and dramatic than what actually happened.

If your husband normally got emotional when it came to sports, and you were used to it, you would have thought nothing of it.

ETA...the thing that really sucks about it is that if we react with a relatively normal amount of emotion, others tend to think along the lines of something must be really wrong...drugs, gambling, drinking, all kinds of horrible things...when all we are doing is being like everyone else...makes it kind of hard to catch a break.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The man needs boxing gloves and a punching bag to work out that stress and frustration. 

Frankly, if I had witnessed that behavior my lip would curl.


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