# Am I reading too much in to this?



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

We are at another crisis and I'm not sure we are strong enough to get through it. Right now my son is going through some major behavior problems and some of it is related to some stress caused over an unrelated issue. He's also a sensitive child and during my husband's affair, my H was punishing me for the way he felt and he was very mentally abusive. He didn't aim it at the kids but they were casualties. I did my best to not cry in front of them or argue but to also stand up for myself.He'd do things like clean up after dinner then leave for the entire night without saying a word. The kids would cry...my son has some health problems so that causes him stress too. Anyway, I think its all related. He did see my husband with the OW (he was only 4 at the time) I don't know what he saw but I know on more than one occasion he went out with her and took our son. My H said our son can't remember that. He's unusually bright and extremely sensitive to people's moods and feelings. Its been 3 years so nearly half his life...

So maybe its not totally unrelated but tonight I asked my H why are you with me? I wanted to hear that he loved me and he made the biggest stupidest mistake...but he said "because I want to make everybody happy. I want everybody to be together. I love all of you" (everybody meant me and the kids). 

So now I am questioning whether I made the right choice. Is he with me because he feels guilty for what he did and feels he owes me? Owes the kids? Doesn't want the kids to have a divorced family? Maybe even financially (he's self-employed many times sometimes he makes more but sometimes I do...my income though is stable and I have health benefits). So this did upset me. He stomped out said "fine I'm picking up (our daughter)" I made myself a deal, he will never leave like that again. He can stay away if he does. I told him that but he said "I'm not leaving angry"

Am I too sensitive, should I have asked "well what about me, don't you love me?"...I realize I don't have a lot of perspective right now so need your advice. He said I should have asked him and given him the benefit of the doubt. He said I jump to conclusions. 

I should add the whole time he was sleeping with the OW, he told me similar things using the same words. I just have a lot of doubts when pressed he says "you guys"...

We did try counseling for a short time, it seemed to help but I don't think he liked being told he needs to learn to communicate better he didn't refuse to go but I could see he felt it was a burden. I think he agreed to go only because I was filing for divorce and at the time it was the one thing that would stop me (he had previously refused to go).


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop asking him why he is with you, but start asking your self why *you* are with him. Its seems to me that you are looking for validation from a cheating spouse...when it should be you asking him to validate him self on why you keep him around.

Its about loving your self and what you will tolorate and if he's going to do the heavy lifting to keep you around, versus what you need to do to have him keep you around.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I knew I needed some perspective. This should be obvious to me yet it never occurred to me...not sure if it means anything but the reasons I can think of are based on how things used to be not how they are now..something to really consider.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Do you need to ask him "do you love me?"?

Love is what it is.
You know it when it happens.

Since you are asking this, I think either you are missing it or he is not giving you.

Before the A happened, was he like this?


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

He was not a good communicator. He does say "I love you" and more so now. It's just that if I want to talk about what's bothering me sometimes he pretends he didn't notice I was upset. Likes to sweep things under the rug. I used to think that was a good thing but he kept doing that, telling me all was good, never been happier when he wasn't so then he went and had an affair while telling me all's good. He tends to avoid and then it bites him (and me) in the rear!


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> He was not a good communicator. He does say "I love you" and more so now. It's just that if I want to talk about what's bothering me sometimes he pretends he didn't notice I was upset. Likes to sweep things under the rug. I used to think that was a good thing but he kept doing that, telling me all was good, never been happier when he wasn't so then he went and had an affair while telling me all's good. He tends to avoid and then it bites him (and me) in the rear!


Remember that avoiders will avoid more if they are met with anger. You of course have a right to be angry with what he has done but you will maintain a much better position if you are calm, cool and direct with him. Asking him why he is with you or if he loves you is you looking for assurance. You should be approaching it in a way that projects that he should be grateful that you are allowing him to be with you.


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