# Here is my situation. What do I do now?



## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

Ok, so here is my situation. I am going to try and get the most important issues posted first and then will try and get to the other issues later as I have time.

My wife and I have been having problems for about a year now. During the Thanksgiving holidays I was working offshore and she was spending the holidays with her parents in town. We had gotten into an argument (I don't even remember what it was about) and I asked her if she even wanted to be married to me anymore. She said that she didn't know what she wanted anymore and I got mad and said that I was done and that I was fed up with all of the bull crap. She acted like she didn't even care and would get mad and blame everything on me.

Well the next day I talked to her and said that I didn't want to end our marriage and that we could work everything out. I mentioned that we could go to counseling together. She inititially said that she didn't thing she wanted to continue trying. Well after a few days of practically begging she finally said that she would "try" and see where things went from there. This was around a Sunday. I was scheduled to come home the next Thursday. Well the next day I was talking to her best friend trying to pump her for information and I was given a hint that she may be seeing someone else. I questioned her friend real hard but she wouldn't confirm it which pretty much did confirm it for me and then I tried to find out who it was and she still wouldn't tell me. The only thing she would tell me was that if something was going on then there was ways to find out. So, I started looking at the cell phone records and was CRUSHED to see all of the text messages and phone calls that were happening between her and this mysterious number that I didn't recognize.

I paid for a service to tell me who those phone numbers were and it confirmed my suspision that she was cheating on me. The gut she was talking to was a "deacon" at the church she was attending. I found all of this out on a Monday and continued researching till Tuesday gathering all of the info that I could. Turns out he was a Personal Trainer as well at the gym that she had signed up for on that Monday.

I'm going to fast forward to Thursday since I don't have a lot of time. So Thurday I get home around 5:30 that evening. I act like I don't know anything and wait till I can get my 3 kids all to bed. They usually don't go to bed till around 9 but I decided it couldn't wait any longer so I put them down around 8 that night. The wife wanted to know why I was putting them down so early and I told her that we needed to talk.

That's when I confronted her about the affair. At first she tried to deny it so I got her phone and showed her where she had hidden his number in her contact list under one of her girlfriends name. I had her dead to rights on this. I had printed out the pages upon pages of phone bills that showed where they were talking. (the bill doesn't list the messges they send, just that they are sending back and forthe to one another.) Once I showed her that she couldn't deny it she finally fessed up and said that they were just talking. I could tell that she was lying, but when I asked her if they had sex or any other relations I felt that she was telling the truth.

So, for some reason, even though she had cheated on me, I still wanted our marriage to work. I told her that she was going to have to choose him or me. I never once though our whole argument raised my voice or cursed or anything. I stayed calm on the outside even though I was boiling on the inside. Finally after an hour and me having to ask her three times to choose between him or me, she chose "our family". I don't know if she thought that would escape my attention but it didn't. I let her parents know what was going on and her sister. I told her that she could no longer talk to the dude any longer (he is married by the way) and she said that she wouldn't.
I told her that I would forgive her but that this couldn't ever happen again.

Next Day.

So the wife comes to me and said that she wanted to go to the gym and said that he wouldn't be there as he was at college that morning for classes. She said that she wouldn't go if I was uncomfortable with it. I figured that if things were going to work out then I needed to give her a chance to show me that I could trust her. Guess what, I couldn't. Her best friend called me while my wife was still at the gym. Turns out, he knew she was going to be there and he called her. My Father in Law had called his preacher and told him what was going on and the preacher called the guy and said that he wanted to meet with him immediately. So the guy had someone at the gym bring my wife a cell phone and told her that she needed to take the call in another room. He starts throwing a fit about him getting caught and started trying to cover his tracks. He asked my wife if I or the Preacher knew how physical it had gotten. (Turns out they had Kissed). At the the time that them two talked I didn't know about it. Once the wife and him got off of the phone she called her best friend and told her who then called me and told me what she knew.

Two Hours Later

So I confronted my wife about everything, telling her that I knew something was wrong. I acted like I didn't know what was going on though. I wanted her to tell me. Well she said that nothing was going on and that she didn't talk to him. Two hours later she finally told me the truth. I was happy that she finally was being honest with me. Or so I thought. This all happend on a Friday.

The next Wednesday her Father came out to talk to her. through this whole time my wife would never really open up to me. She had put up a wall to me. We weren't allowed to talk about anything relating the affair or us or our future. She said that we were going to work on it and "see where it goes". She told here dad that she wanted to be married to me and wanted to work it out. So I felt just a little bit better about things. After she kept putting off the counseling, I decided to take matters into my own hands and scheduled an appointment for Friday.

Friday

So, we go to counseling. I was completly honest with the counseler about everything. I told him that I would go through her phone at night and see who she was talking to. I never could find anything. He (counseler) roasted me pretty hard about that and said that I was going to have to trust her if things were going to work out. He was on me most of the session. Then he asked her if it was truly over and she of couse said that he was. So pretty much I left the session feeling guilty about what I have been doing. So we leave the counseler and decide to go to the mall and get the kids Christmas shopping done. She wanted to go look for a jacket for herself first at this all chick store so said that I would go look at another store while she was doing that. So I go to other stores but wasn't much into shopping so I head back to where she was. I walked into the store and she had her back to me looking at her phone. I really didn't think nothing of it. I walked up behind her and looked over her shoulder and all I saw was emails between her and him. She had made a secret email account that I didn't know about. She must have felt me looking over her shoulder because she said "Ooh" I didn't see you there. I asked why "the guys" name was all over her phone. She just got bigged eyed. I just looked at her and told her to put whatever she thought she was going to buy down and get to the truck as we were leaving and walked out. I had to wait at the truck for a few minutes until she came out. She tried to talk to me and I told her that there was nothing left to say.

All the way home she tried to get me to stop but I just kept on driving. I was furious. I asked her how she could go to counseling with me and then discuss our session with him with a clear conscience. So when we got home I started packing my bags to leave and she is begging me to stay. I told her that she had her shot at making things work. She begged and begged and finally I ended up staying. Through all of this I still wanted my marriage to work out. She told me that she would be the wife I wanted and be devoted to me like she should be. I got in touch with The Guy and told him that if I saw an more emails or calls or any other type of communicaition that I would be coming to find him. I told him that I would show up at his church, his house, his work or his school and that the blood would flow. He told me that it was over and that he wouldn't ever talk to her again. 

As far as I know, from that day to this one, they haven't talked.

Here is my current problem. I feel like I am the only one throwing myself into making our marriage work. She doesn't EVER want to talk about anything regarding she and I or what had happened. I feel like I need to talk about it. I don't have a lot of close friends that I can talk to about how I'm feeling thus the reason that I am telling it all on this forum. 

I tried to talk to her this evening. I told her that I needed to feel like I was her number 1 priority. She got mad and said that she is giving everything she can at this time. She said that "it would never be enough, no matter what she gave."

While I was gone this hitch at work, she went (Tuesday) and got her nose pierced behind my back. I told her that I didn't want her to get it. Plus, Christmas put a severe strain on my money so things were really tight at that time. She said that there was nothing wrong with what she did. I really disagree with her. I have noticed that she is trying some, but I feel like she should be giving more. She asked me if I wanted to go out to a movie tomorrow night (she asked me on Wednesday before I knew about the nose ring). I made her tell me if it was a date or not. If it wasn't then I wasn't going. she said that it was.

Anyways, the main issue we are having right now is that I feel the need to talk things through with her and she won't have it. She gets really mad and defensive and puts a wall up on me.

Sorry about the long post. I tried to hit the high points.

What do I do.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If you can get her to understand that talking about the A is part of your healing process, and that if she feels uncomfortable about talking, she will have to bear the consequences of her bad behavior and bring this A out in the open so that both of you can learn from this.

See, my wife hated talking about her affair's, but understood that in order for me to fogive, move on, and learn, she had to " do what ever it takes" to work on the marriage. Which ment answering the ughly questions I needed answered. 

Its been 11 month since I confronted her but the 1st few months were a b*tch for her, I had alot of guestions. I would let her know 1 question I wanted to discuss in the AM, and then I would want the answer in the PM. This gave her time to do some soul searching. then the next morning I would ask another question.

This gave her time to deal with her guilt. It was hard for my W to discuss such evil behavior. I thought it would be to difficult to spill her guts all at once, so I took my time with her.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Yes, she must be honest with you, but, sadly, it will take time for her to come fully clean with you. She is still "numb" from the events.
So, be as patient as you can, but keep insisting on the transparency. Meanwhile, have her write a NC letter, and go with her to physically deliver it to the OM, and videotape her doing it.
And, Thomas Jefferson once said that "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty", and you being eternally vigilant (trust, but VERIFY) is the price of getting your M back on track, and hopefully, to get back any peace of mind.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

heres a true short response,
as i am truly on borrowed time.

u need to obtain a stronger demeanor, and not appear sooooo
needy/weak. it'll improve yer "position" some, so to speak.

maybe u r doing this already, dunno, but u read weak here.

shalom......


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

She refuses to talk about it. It only pushes her further away. She just goes on the defensive about everything when I bring it up. Even if I just bring up how we can move further in our marriage rather than bringing up the affair.

The night that I caught her with the emails on her phone at the mall she called him to tell him they can't continue to talk or communicate. I wasn't there when the call took place but that is what she told me. So as far as I know it is over.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thats scary, b/c you really don't know if she took it deeper underground. So quitly keep an eye on her.

Try this, in the AM tell her you want to discuss "x" and only "x" (one guestion you want an answer) and tell her we will talk in the PM. Then walk away, hopefully before she has a chance to respond. If she does say something tell her will talk about "x" in the evening, and leave it at that. Walk away.

Though out that day this will give her and you time to think about "x". When the evening comes you can explain why you need to talk about this particular question, with regards to you healing, forgiving, and moving forward. reassure her that you will not hold this against her,or judge her, or use the info for later. Explain to her that the thoughts and images that are running thru your head are hurting and you need her to take the pain away. 

I hope she sees as my wife did that this openess will help rebuild the marraige, and that her defensiveness and frustration with the topic in general is not reassuring you that she is committed, and let her know that he behavior shows more secrecy then openess to rebuilding the marriage.

Reassure her that you understand that this is uncomfortable to talk about the affair, but all you need that evening is to answer that one guestion honestly and you will leave it at that. (for now).

Has she mentioned the words "I'll do what ever it takes to work it out"? If so then there you go, tell her you need answers and you need to express your feeling with out her being defensive, but to just listen. It is about "we" not "her" and she just needs to listen


I know easier said then done, but I stayed at it, I had to. It was an either talk to me or move on with out me. My take was I push her away and get no answers and move on with out her, or I get to say what I need to say and she can stay. It took me forever to get my W to open up, but it truely helped me and her, it got alot of things off her chest, and stopped me wondering what was really going on.

I quess if your W never stepped out side the marriage and confided with you instead, she wouldn't have the consequences of talking about such a painful subject. Just a thought!

One more thing, I would rather push my wife away, then spend the rest of our marriage not talking about her affairs. See I did that 13 years ago( her 1st one), and she and I continued down a very ughly marriage with very bad behaviors. Thank God we final confronted the issue, along with the issues that caused the 1st affair. That was 11 months ago.

Good luck, she really needs to open up


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

Ok, sorry I haven't been on here to update anything. Here is what what happened.

While I was typing up the long original post, my wife was on her computer emailing the guy the whole time. Little did she know, I had put a keylogger on her computer that morning. We had some friends come over for a little new years eve get together so I didn't have a chance to check on her. After everyone had left my wife went into our room to watch tv and wind down. this was about 11:00 pm or so. So while she was watching tv, I logged onto her computer to see what she had been doing.

When I pulled up all of the emails that she had been sending and receiving, I was furious. The wife and the guy were talking about wishing they could be together that night. I would like to say that I walked into the room with her and confronted her calmly, but that would be a lie. I grabbed her camera that she takes professional photos with and walked into the room and started swinging it round and round and then smashed it on the floor into hundreds of little pieces. then I took her iphone and threw it into the wall (I tried to break it with just my hands but it was in one of those Otterboxes. Those things are tough).

She asked me what the hell i was doing so I just gave her the email address that she was using to communicate with him. I asked her how she thought that she was going to get away with it and why was she doing this to our family. She didn't have any answers.

I then go outside to call the guys wife. When she answered i told her my name and asked her if she remebered me from our previous conversation. Whe she told me she did I just started telling her everything that I knew. She wanted me to get a copy of all of the emails that they had been sending to one another and I told her that i would. She and I talked about an hour later and the guy was in the car with her. I got on the phone with him and told him exactly what I thought of him.

Back to the wife. So as I was talking to the guy and his wife, my buddy had come over and was trying to talk to my wife about why she was doing what she was doing. She said she didn't know why she was doing what she was doing. She admitted to having feelings for the guy, and would all but say that she was in love with him. But what she wanted was her family, including me. She wanted to work everything out. I told her that i wasn't interested in sharing her with another man, not physically or menatally.

Not that this is a reason for her doing what she did, but I think that she suffers from Post Partum Deppression. i took her to the doctor yesterday and the doctor wanted me to take her to be evaluated by a proffesional. The wife wasn't very keen on that because she thought that I would get there and have her committed for a couple oof days against her will. So she called her OB and set up an appointment for today to have bloodwork done to see if her hormones were all messed up. Something definately has to be wrong with her mentally. Nothing she does is making any sense. She has a councelling session tonight as well.

This whole time that since Friday night she has been saying that she wants me and her family, but her actions don't show it. She just acts like she is in a funk. She says that she knows she can be happy with me and that i can make her happy, she just doesn't know how to go about moving past everthing anymore. 

I got my two girls (4 and 3) from their little playdate today and we three loaded up and went to the camp which is about 45 minutes away. I plan on staying up here for just a couple of days to try and figure out what to do and give her some time to see how things are going to be if she doesn't start doing what she needs to do.

Any advice would be great right now. Sorry if I am all over the place with this post. It's been a rough few days.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Hi Oft - 

I'm glad you updated your situation - there is a lot you can do for your marriage - all that is required is for you to answer 'yes' to one question: 

Do you want to save your marriage?

If so, then there's a lot you can do. 

1st thing to do: apologize for destroying her property - ask for her forgiveness. I know that may seem both counter-intuitive and probably the last thing you want to do - but please consider this: in a healthy marriage, both partners treat each other with respect and honor. They don't go about destroying each others property - even in arguments. 

An argument in a healthy relationship is faced by both partners together, because it is the normal process of fixing a problem or overcoming some obstacle or other. 

On the other hand, destruction of property is a Love Buster, a Love Extinguisher, and also can create more troubles that you can imagine, especially if the relationship ends up in divorce court. This is a situation you must rectify as fast as possible, as completely as possible.

Next, there is much hope for you - your wife has stated clearly that she desires to work on the marriage, and that she is willing to choose you over the Other Man. 

That being the case, there are three conditions that you can bring up with her that we recommend (at Affaircare.com) as being essential to heading your marriage in the correct direction. These conditions are essentially _non-negotiable_, although the WAY that at least the 2nd and 3rd conditions are met are certainly 'customizable' to fit your situation. Here is a thread on this forum on the three conditions, but here is a short summary:

1) You wife drafts a No Contact letter that YOU READ, and then YOU SEND to him - the letter must meet your approval and there must be no chance of her changing (or 'losing') it before it is sent. Here is the reason why No Contact is so vital to a recovering marriage. Here are some sample No Contact letters. Note how they are worded: this is quite important.

2) You and your wife both agree to transparent honesty - that is, all passwords, email accounts, social networking log ins, pone and text records, etc., are available instantly upon request.

3) You and your wife commit to working on the marriage.​
This last condition is necessary because most affairs do not happen by accident, nor in a vacuum. They are almost always the wrong, or immoral, choice of a solution to a pre-existing problem in the marriage. The affair is rarely (if ever) the CAUSE of the marriage problems: it is usually a horrible attempt at solving the problem.

Finally, an affair is extremely exhilarating. In creates excitement and thrills that are addicting, and just as with any addiction, stopping the action causes withdrawal. It takes time to work past the initial loss of this thrill, and this is what is happening with your wife right now:



> ...Something definately has to be wrong with her mentally. Nothing she does is making any sense. ... ...
> 
> This whole time that since Friday night she has been saying that she wants me and her family, but her actions don't show it. She just acts like she is in a funk. She says that she knows she can be happy with me and that i can make her happy, she just doesn't know how to go about moving past everthing anymore.


...etc. ALL of this is the withdrawal - depression, confusion, etc. She has a lot of mental work to do: take responsibility for her actions, face the various feelings of shame, guilt, anger, sadness, frustration, etc. 

It is my opinion that you should NOT try to get her medicated in order to make these symptoms disappear [note - a 'professional' will almost automatically choose drugs - it makes for job security!]

Unless she actually takes the time and makes the effort to deal with them - they will be there, waiting, when the drugs wear off (and the addiction to them is dealt with). My guess is that there are issues within your marriage that have bothered her until she began to make weird decisions - and the solution is not to lock her up (either chemically or physically) but rather to face those problems together. 

So give her some time - and a lot of love - and at the same time, set up those three non-negotiable conditions in order to protect both you and her in the upcoming difficult time of healing - and growing - your marriage.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I would have outed them both in front of the whole congregation.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Get her to agree to a legal separation, then she can't say you "abandoned" her. But you know that she will use the camera and phone thing against you-bet you that that is the FIRST thing she will say to that snake oil charlatan of a MC you are seeing.


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## makaveli (Jul 8, 2010)

I have been dealing with the same things you have been going through for a while now. We are on the whole rebuilding trust and me forgiving my wife deal now. On some of the replys someone mentioned asking your wife a question in the morning and then getting the answer that night. That is a great idea but I would do some investigating first and then ask her a question you already know the answer to. Try it a couple of times to see if she is being honest with you so that you don't waste your time asking her questions she is just going to lie to you about. Trust and communication is key to a good marriage. I give you props on how you have handled this ordeal so far besides the damaging of her property (I would of probably done the same thing though)...you have pretty much done everything you are suppose to do about how to handle the affair. Continue the marriage counseling to see why she would even go through with an affair because as I found out, problems are there before the affair that maybe we just are not aware of. Cause if those problems don't get fixed then it's possible she might do it again. Stay strong brother and I hope everything works out between you two.


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

Sorry it's been so long since I've updated. I will be at work in a few more days and will be able to respond quicker when I'm there.

I told my wife that I would replace the camera. I appologized to her for breaking it. I regret that I did that as she can take pictures of the kids with it and send them to me while I am at work.

Right now we (she) is up and down. At times, not so often, she is doing better, but the rest of the time she is back in her funk. She rarely talks to me about her day to day life. We are mostly talking about the kids and what they are doing. 

I hardly ever talk about what happened, but when I talk about how I am feeling or what I would like to see, she puts up her wall on me and gets defensive. It is getting real aggravating trying to communicate with her. We are scheduled to go to the MC Tuesday evening. Hopefully she will open up there about everything because she sure isn't doing it here.

I had saved the emails that the keylogger had recorded to a thumb drive on New Years Eve. I told her last night that I was going to give it to her and she could do what she wanted with it. So today I gave it to her after I had deleted the emails and said that I am doine with what happened and plan to move forward either with her or without her, preferably with her. I guess we will see how things go from here.


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

Oh, and thanks to all who have responded and given advice. You are not being ignored. I just don't have a lot of free and private time right now.


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

Just one question for tonight, should my wife have to answer any question that I have about the affair or should there be some things left off limits? For example, specifics about what they were talking about in their emails.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes, my opinion is she needs to be forthcoming with every little thing. Hiding any thing from you is a sign that she still mybe in contact with OM. How can the both of you get past this if #1 she is still seeing OM, but deeper under ground, and #2 how can you heal if you still thinks she's seeing OM but deeper underground.

I for one would need to know what the two of them were writing to each other. I would want to know how she really felt about the OM.
But thats just me. You have to deside for your self on how much you really want to know.


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

As far as I can tell she isn't talking to him anymore. I am watching EVERY move she makes. She doesn't know that of course but I am watching. I saw some of the emails and I really don't need to see or know anymore, that was just an example. But she straight up told me that she wasn't going to tell me what else they had written to each other and it kind of bothered me.

What I really want to know is if my kids were around him when my wife and he were meeting up in town. We go to MC tomorrow and I will see if I can get that answered tomorrow night.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Let her know that one question tonight and warn her you would like an answer the next day. And that you will bring it up. If she tries to answer now, stop her and tell her to spend the time thinking before she answers.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Really stupid question on my part Oft - what drove her to the affair to begin with? Are you doing all you can to try to fill those needs? 

You might want to take a look at Affaircare.com and Marriagebuilders.,com about surviving an affair. 

Good luck!


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

We really didn't get a chance to talk last night so I am going to approach the subject in counceling tonight.

Powerbane, i don't know what drove her to the affair. We had been having problems. My job doesn't help as I work in the oilfield and I am gone have of the year so she is having to care for three kids by herself while I am gone. I am doing everything that I can to be the husband that I should be and should have been.

Right now she is out looking for a part time job. Just 15 hours a week is all she wants. She says it will help her get back to being herself if she has more of a purpose and gives her some independence. I don't like the thought of that at all as the timing for this seems as though she might be thinking of trying to go it alone. She says that isn't the case and of course she couldn't make it on her own with a part time job. She says that I will see when she is still here in six months. She says this will give her a sanity break from the three kids. Which is probably true as my kids are all young and very needy still.


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

Has anyone ever been to a MC and been told to quit watching the WS. He said that I need to quit watching and quit checking up on her. Was told that there was nothing that I could do to stop her from cheating if that is what she wants to do so what is the point. He told me that I need to let her make her own choices if I was going to get her back.


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

So I asked her before counceling if my kids were ever around this guy (lets call him Joe) and she told me that they were not. The only time he has ever seen them was at church and when the kids were at the nursery in the gym where he is a personal trainer and she was attending. So I feel better about that.

We had gotten into it again Tuesday for MC over her going and looking at his page on facebook. I understand that she is curious about what is going on with him and his wife but it bothers me that she would do this and not care if she gets caught. I have told her that I can look at her history on her computer to see where she goes and she said that if she cared that I knew then she would have deleted the history. She doesn't know that I have the keylogger still on her computer (she may suspect, but she doesn't know).

The MC got onto her for this and told her that our marriage wouldn't work if she kept doing this. He asked her if she knew what would happen if I caught her doing it again. When she said no, he told her that I would leave her. Now I never told him this and it might be true but I don't think it was his right to tell her that. I let it go though because it might sink in more to her coming from the MC as she has responded to him better than anyone else.

I used the keylogger to check and see if she has looked at his page since our MC session and she has not. Unfortunately I am back at work now for two weeks and can't keep an eye on what she does. I am on day one and I already feel like I am going crazy wondering.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

This MC sounds more like a DIVORCE counselor.


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

He has told me that the only thing he will push for is marriage and that in his 20 so years of doing this he has never pushed for a divorce. I just wonder about his methods sometimes. Would it be rude to ask him what his success rate is lol


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

I think you my like a better program for the computer tracking. It takes a screen shot of what is on the screen every 15 sec to 5 min, you set it. It would tell you exactly what she does on the computer. I like the program seems to work well, but you need to tell the anti virus software that it is OK to spy. If you need the name of it let me know. It also will take all of the pics and make a movie of what goes on with the computer. So if you have 500 pics you can just watch a 5 min movie of it.


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

Oh, the program I have on there does all of that. I am just away from the house for the next two weeks so I won't be able to see what she is doing as I can't get to her computer.


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## louiswin (Nov 4, 2010)

Oft said:


> Has anyone ever been to a MC and been told to quit watching the WS. He said that I need to quit watching and quit checking up on her. Was told that there was nothing that I could do to stop her from cheating if that is what she wants to do so what is the point. He told me that I need to let her make her own choices if I was going to get her back.


First of all ... sorry that you are going through this. Second, it sounds like you need to find another MC (at least to get a second opinion). Also, go to those website mentioned in this thread. They have certainly helped me, especially Affaircare.com .


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

Thanks Louiswin. We may have to find another MC. My wife would rather not as she is comfortable with this one. Which I am sure she is since he shows her too much sympathy and keeps telling her that she is wounded and needs to heal.

I have been to Affaircare and been reading a lot of the articles. I have been looking for anything that will help me in this situation right now.


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## louiswin (Nov 4, 2010)

Oft said:


> Thanks Louiswin. We may have to find another MC. My wife would rather not as she is comfortable with this one. Which I am sure she is since he shows her too much sympathy and keeps telling her that she is wounded and needs to heal.
> 
> I have been to Affaircare and been reading a lot of the articles. I have been looking for anything that will help me in this situation right now.


I wish you the best in your marriage and keep us updated.


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

Thanks and I will. I'm just not sure what my course of action should be. I don't know if I should just ignore her or what.


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

So last night as I am working in the oilfield my wife decides to go out and have a girls night out. Her and about 4 other girlfriends decided to go out and eat and have a few drinks. She let my mother watch my three kids last night so she could do this. After dinner, her and one of her friends decides to go to a resturant/bar that had a live sax player there and have a few more drinks. One of my problems with this is that the friend she went with is very close to the OM. I don't know what they are talking about or what they are really doing. She didn't see anything wrong with staying out late having a few drinks. 

Does she not understand what she is doing? Does she understand that this causes me to wonder? Instead of going home last night she stayed over at the girls house. Which, if she had to much to drink is a smart thing, but I don't really think this is appropriate behavior for a married woman with three kids. Or is it just me?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She is way inapropriate, and let her know that. It won't mean much but I think you have to let her know and your mother know that she is inviting trouple to the marraige and her self, by being drunk and out late. She is vulnerable and setting her self up for other men to suduce her. Even worse your mother is enabling her to go out and be prayied abon by younger and more charming men that could care a less is she's married or not.

I just want to make sure I mentioned your mom. She also needs to understand that your wifes action aren't helping you heal and as a mother you would think healing her son would be more important then spending time with her grand kids while there mother goes out drinking.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I would have to quess that your wife still does not get that there are consequences for her cheating and have a girls night out is not a consequence..it a f*cking reward. 

I just hope you let her know that she is not helping you heal. She should be spending the time at home, writing or texting you, so that after your shift or during your breaks you can respond.

This marriage can head south real fast especially with you out of town. She should be warned. She can not read your mind so in a strong and confident manner let her know what you expect from a remorseful spouse. Don't beg or plead for her stay in better contact, just let her know that there are things that you need to heal and that she has the choice to do them or not. Negotations are good and all but you have to have boundries that protect you and help you heal and those are the things that should be nonegotationable.

See, the boundries are for you and the things you need to heal and rebuild trust,the consequences are for her and the things she suffers with in rebuilding the trust. 

I don't think she is thinking in terms of "we", after what she just did she is still thinking "me"


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

I have just addressed this with my wife. I told her that what she was doing wasn't right. Of course, she feels like she did nothing wrong.

As for my mother, she didn't know that my wife was going to go out drinking with the girls. She just thought that my wife was going to go and have dinner which is cool with me.

My wife just sent me an email. I am going to post it as soon as I can edit out the names. Let me know what you think.


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

Her email to me.

I want you to know. I really am trying to move forward. I know you see me struggling with it, and I'm sorry. I've just really messed myself up OFT. I know what I want, I want my family, you, what we've built together, our life, I just don't know why I'm not happy. That's where my struggle comes in, I'm just not happy right now and I'm trying everything to find out why I'm not. I know you take these out of the ordinary WIFE things that I do as that I don't want to be where I am. But thats not the case, I just am trying to be happy. ANd I know my family should be enough, and yall do make me happy I couldn't imagine life without yall, I'm just struggling with me, and who I am and who I want to be. I know your patience is wearing thin, mine would have worn out a while ago, I thank you for sticking with me through this. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any goodness in my life but yet I still have it. I just don't know why God keeps giving me chances over and over. Once I get my relationship back right with Him I feel like everything else will fall into place. I just am asking you to stick with me a lil longer, each day that passes, even if its just an inch forward, I am moving that inch. And I don't want to lose you in the process. Because regardless of what you believe I do love you, I know no one will ever love me the way you do. I'm still just really, really struggling loving myself.


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

How was this for a response




Since you opened up this dialogue I am going to jump in feet first.



*I want you to know. I really am trying to move forward. I know you see me struggling with it, and I'm sorry.*


You aren’t going to like this one bit but it can’t be helped. You are going to CONTINUE to struggle until all ties with Joe has been cut. That means Friend # 1. That means Friend # 2. I have nothing against either of them and you know I don’t. I don’t really know Friend # 2, but I do know Friend # 1. I like her. This is nothing against her. But they need to be taken out of the picture for a while. They are just too closely connected to Joe. Friend # 1 sits with him at church and Friend # 2 works out with him. I know without a doubt that you and Friend # 1 talk about him still. Probably the same with Friend # 2. If you want to move forward you are going to have to make some tough choices. Again, this is not about your choice of friends, but about your choice of friend’s friends. It’s just not going to be able to work.



*I've just really messed myself up OFT. I know what I want, I want my family, you, what we've built together, our life, I just don't know why I'm not happy. That's where my struggle comes in, I'm just not happy right now and I'm trying everything to find out why I'm not.*


Honestly, I’m not so sure you know what you want. And I don’t mean that to be harsh, it’s just my viewpoint. Joe is a talkative outgoing guy. I am not that. I am quiet and reserved. Your bond started out because he talked to you and listened to you better than I did. That right there is a huge reason you turned away from me and towards him. You now feel like you have lost a best friend ([email protected] what MC says) and now have no one to talk to or turn to. Well, I have been here for the past two months. I used to be that best friend. I have come to my senses about the things that I was doing so I could be a better person and a better husband. Whether or not you are ready to move on, be happy, and start over is up to you.



*I know you take these out of the ordinary WIFE things that I do as that I don't want to be where I am. But that’s not the case; I just am trying to be happy. And I know my family should be enough, and you all do make me happy I couldn't imagine life without you all, I'm just struggling with me, and who I am and who I want to be.*


This really makes me wonder (like MC said) if marriage is for you. You want to do whatever you want, when you want, and how you want and not have to answer to anyone. Well, as you know, marriage doesn’t work like that. Unless you are my mother and I am my father, and then they do. But it isn’t a healthy marriage. Marriage is about (1) Love, (2) Trust, (3) Respect, and (4) Communication. We are severely lacking in some of those areas. We love each other, that much is obvious, but there is room for that to grow. Which is a good thing. Trust is at an all time low right now. That can be repaired over time if you are willing to do the things you are supposed to do. Respect is also at an all time low, at least towards me. That can be worked on as well, and it doesn’t take near as long as trust does to fix. Respect is about caring about someone else’s wants and desires. It goes both ways. Communication can be fixed very quickly. You sending me this email is a good step in the right direction. But, communication has to be honest and open at all times.



*I know your patience is wearing thin, mine would have worn out a while ago, I thank you for sticking with me through this. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any goodness in my life but yet I still have it. I just don't know why God keeps giving me chances over and over. Once I get my relationship back right with Him I feel like everything else will fall into place. I just am asking you to stick with me a lil longer, each day that passes, even if its just an inch forward, I am moving that inch. And I don't want to lose you in the process.*


Yes, my patience is wearing thin, VERY thin. And it’s not because I don’t want my marriage to work, I just don’t know how much more I can take. Sometimes I feel like I am at my breaking point. Sometimes I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I know you won’t understand, but the things you did last night aren’t helping us. They may help you somehow, but it’s pushing me further away. I don’t like having to wonder who is or who could be up there at the resturant/bar. You will probably say that I shouldn’t worry, but put yourself in my shoes and see how you would have felt.



I really don’t feel like I have a right to judge this, but to me it is quiet apparent that your relationship with God isn’t right or where it should be. I know that mine isn’t but I am still actively working on it. I do my daily devotionals and pray to Him on a daily basis. WE definitely need to make a bigger effort into getting back into church. I don’t know if (the church we planned on attending) will be the right place but until we do find the right place then we need to start going.



*Because regardless of what you believe I do love you, I know no one will ever love me the way you do. I'm still just really, really struggling loving myself.* 



I have no doubt that you love. Just how much would be the question. Do you love me as much as I love you? You make that call. Only two people will ever love you more than me. God and your dad. And I only say your dad because the other night I was looking at the girls and got to thinking that no other man will ever love my two little girls like I love them. Your dad is a good man so I know that he loves you.



WIFE, sometimes you just have to let go and take a big leap. If it were possible for me to push you into taking that leap I would but I can’t. I can’t force you to take that leap. You can’t take that leap until you let go of Joe. Joe could never love you like I do. He never loved you. You weren’t his first conquest. You won’t be his last.



Hopefully you will take what I have said with an open mind and not put up a wall and get defensive. If you do decide to go that route, then there is nothing left that I can do.



I love you.



OFT


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

That is great that the both of you expressed your feelings about her feeling and her feeling about your feeling... What ever, generally the both of you said what was on your mind, but you missed the point of what she JUST did. Specificly,she went out the other night and there has been no resolution. Correct me if I'm missing something, what are your boundries? What do expect from her, what are you not going to tolorate?

What I read was she has a choice and she can do what she decides. I don't think I read anything on what you expect from a wife and that you just said I'll wait around until you make up your mind. So, if she's thinking what I'm thinking, I'm just going to keep doing something to keep me happy and struggle with my husband and family. Hell I don't know what to deside I'm just un happy.


Please make a dicision on what you will tolorate from her. Especialy while your away. If some one in this marraige can start making the tough dissions in how yall are going to behave for the next few weeks and at least commit to that, that way when you get back home you can work on it some more.


really is it just me or does Oft's wife have any lines that she can not cross while he is away. Is it just me or can she continue to do what ever, under the accuss of being unhappy.

Show some leadership let her know what you expect, granted she most likely will lie and you will find out soner or later. Point is what if she does commit to respecting her spouse's wishes, how awsome would that be, give her some rules see if she can follow them. Offer her guidence as a husband, she can respond as a wife, or not. At least she will show you where she really want to be with her life.


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## Mustang! (Jan 17, 2011)

oft,

Thaks you so much for your post. This is exactly how I feel. And my wife is behaving the exact same way. The only diference is that I have only caught my wife one time and I am currently deployed to Afghanistan for another 4 months.

I have not tried to find out if she is still talking to him but I believe she is not.. However I noticed you said the same thing. Also everytime I try to bring up how I feel or how we can move forward the walls come up and I'm left all alone. There is no love and no affecton comming from her. She says its because we are so distant now and she doesnt know how to get it back. I think that is so stupid.. I mean all I want is for her to just be loving again so I can heal and move past this but its like she cant or wont. 

After reading this I am terrified she might still be talking to this OM. Much like yous story they only kissed. It was mosly emotional. Ane when they talked the said how happy they make eachother and how they like being with eachother. 

My wife also feels very guilty about what happended. She says she does not want to get a divorce and doesnt want to ruin our family. I have 2 kids but she keeps bringing them into this. I dont feel like our kids should be any reason to stay with me. I just need to know that she wants to be with ME.. not just the family. We can be parents while we're divorced. But much like you I cant be married to someone who is not there emotionaly. I need a wife.. not a pareting parter. 

I would really like to stay in contact with you more. I think we might be able to help eachother with our similar situration. I truely felt you were writing about my story (Besides some details) The emotions comming from both sides or your situation are so very similar to mine.


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

I talked to my wife about the going out on the town drinking behavior. She still feels like she did nothing wrong. I don't think anything has been resolved there. But, there is one thing I can do about it and that is to shut down her babysitters. My mother is the only babysitter she can get and she won't watch them anymore without my approval. My wife wanted to go out Friday night to dinner and a movie with the girls but it isn't happening without a babysitter.

Other than that, things actually seem to be getting better. Or maybe she is just getting better had hiding what she is doing lol.

Mustang, Sorry to hear you are going through this crap too. Thanks for your service to our country. You don't deserve to have to go through this either. Yes, let's definately keep in touch.

My wife is saying much the same as yours is. She doesn't know how to get it back and I have a hard time understanding it myself. She has it made with me. I have treated her very good though our marriage, provided very well for her too. She doesn't have to work, but now that's not the life she wants. Which I can somewhat understand as I would go crazy with three kids at the house constantly needing something for me.

Mustang, Keep your head up. Well, actually keep it down lol. I'm here if you need to talk.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

See if you can at least get your wife to stop thinking about what SHE did as being wrong or right, but instead think about what the marraige needs in order to heal. 

She most likely will start say things with alot of "I" in her sentences, and that is when its your turn to step up and ask her point blank can you stop saying "I" . 

No matter how you look at it.... its sucks when they are that selfish, 

When do get off the rig?


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

I get off work a week from Thursday. 

I will definately give this a try the next time we are able to talk about things openly. I appreciate all of the advice you have been giving.

Yes, she is definately being selfish lately. I've even told her that. She didn't like me telling her that but it doesn't help when the MC tells her that she is wounded, she thinks she can play the victim whereas I'm trying to show her that there is only one victim in this whole situation.


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## Mustang! (Jan 17, 2011)

After I read your thread is when I fully realized that my wife was still talking to the OM. I'm so amazed how similar your wifes thinking is to mine. But I'm lucky she's not able to go out and party. With 2 small kids and a job that is pretty dificult. 

I can honestly say I know how you feel being away at work during such a dificult time. It is very nerve racking and a terrible feeling of being out of control. But the guy is right. It sounds like you need to really take charge and lay down some rules if you have not already. From what I read in that email your wife sent what she needs most is guidance and support. You are 100% right that you are the victim. But at this point it sounds like you need to let go of that way of thinking and focus on helping her fix your marriage. At the same time take the guys advice and let her know there is no 'I' just 'we'. Thats kinda where I'm at right now and thats what sucks most about getting cheated on but still wanting to work things out. 

I really think you will make out of the woods with your marriage intact. Your wife loves you and she know that you are whats best for her. If you have that foundation you can still build your marriage back up. 

Good luck


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

Our situations are very similar. Once I did the hardcore exposure, things started to slowly go my way. Things are definately better today than they were yesterday. I had to go off on her last night, I was at the end of my rope with her. She was still crossing boundaries that I had set. I told her that if she crossed them just one more time it was over. I said that I wasn't putting up with her doing wrong anymore.

She argued with me for a while, then played the crying card, then the victim card, then the deflect/blame it on me card. I wasn't having it. I dropped the hammer on her. I told her I wouldn't be disrespected by her anymore and if she wanted to try to continue down that path she could do it by herself as I would leave her.

The things I said to her were things that I have been wanting to say to her for a while, but the timing had to be right. She had to be ready to hear it. She may not have like it, but she heard me loud and clear. Timing is everything I guess.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

In a nutshell, the affair will not stop until she agrees to no contact with the OM. That means SHE needs to write a no contact letter, that you read and approve of, send it to the OM and be done with it. Until then, she has not truly committed to ending the affair. Until she is ready to end the affair, your marriage will not ever have a chance to be repaired.


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

Question, is a no contact letter still necessary as they haven't had any contact in weeks? As far as I can tell the affair is over with, completly. She is still an emotional wreck over it, but it is over with between him and her. So again, does she really need to send the letter now?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Oft~

A couple of things. 

1) Regarding your question about the No Contact Letter, you may want to look over this thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-things-needed-rebuild-trust-dss-honesty.html If it were me, I would recommend that she still WRITE the letter and give it to you. Then you can decide if you want to sent it or not--it's your prerogative. The idea though is that she clearly indicate in writing she wants to never contact again in any way, and it's not "one last love letter" but rather a letter where she stands up out loud for you. Usually this consists of her saying that what she did was wrong and expressing some kind of sympathy or care for hurting you. 

In your case I think what might be much, MUCH more important are steps #2 and #3--transparency and committing to working on herself (as well as the issues within the marriage). This isn't a blame game where she can be an adulteress, blame it on your neglect, and act like you're the only one who has to change--you need to stop the neglect but SHE needs to stop being dishonest, forsake all others, and accept responsibility for her choices. 

2) Regarding this part of what you wrote:


> *I had to go off on her last night*, I was at the end of my rope with her. *She was still crossing boundaries that I had set*. I told her that if she crossed them just one more time it was over. I said that I wasn't putting up with her doing wrong anymore.


Regarding "I had to go off on her last night..." I call the :bsflag: No you didn't. You could have communicated that exact concept without anger, threats, manipulation or control...but of all the choices you had, you chose to "go off on her." I challenge you in your thinking because I suspect this is a small portion of the reason you have troubles. She is a fully-grown, adult woman, not your child, and you have no more right to treat her poorly or be angry inappropriately than she does to treat you that way! I would recommend that you look at your own self and consider why you chose to rage at your wife, and after being honest with yourself, see if you can learn better, more healthy ways to communicate hard ideas (like W-T-F-S). Her adultery does not give you a free pass to behave poorly. 

Regarding "She was still crossing boundaries that I had set" I think you may have an inaccurate definition of a boundary. A boundary is not something YOU set for HER. That is control. That is YOU making her do something YOU want or YOUR way against her will, by force. How do you respond to force? Does this make you want to cooperate? Or do you get angry, rebellious, defiant and purposely do what you were told you "couldn't do"? It's human nature to resist! 

A boundary--a healthy boundary--is all about YOU (not her). You don't tell her one bit what she can and can not do. That is completely up to her! She can choose to be a bank robber if that's what she picks. A boundary focuses on YOU and what you will and will not accept in your life. A boundary is a fence around YOU and you say what you will and will not let insider your fence. 

So here's an example: "I will not accept unfaithfulness in my marriage." This means that in the little bubble that is MY LIFE, I will not have a spouse/partner who gives me any less than 100% of their affection and loyalty. Now note: this does not say my Dear Hubby can't give his affection to someone else. He CAN! He is completely free to decide for himself. I have decided for myself--I will not accept that. So if he (in his individual freedom and personal choice) decides to give his affection to the lady at work, that is when I enforce MY boundary around ME, and I let him know that he can choose to stop or I will be choosing to either move out or kick him out (probably the latter). 

Does that make sense? To quote kids, "You're not the boss of her!" If she chooses to be a drunk, sexually immoral person...it's not a good choice but she can choose that! The trick is to allow her to then experience the consequence of her choice, medically she may have liver trouble and an STD--financially she'll lose your support and the financial options you offer, etc. 

Sooooo....I hope this all makes sense, and if not, feel free to ask questions!


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## Mustang! (Jan 17, 2011)

Oft,

What was the boundary that she crossed? You are justified to strongly communicate what behaviors you will and will not accept. Getting angry might have been counterproductive but I know its a challenge to stay calm. You have to be careful that the boundries you set don’t completely close her off from the world. She has to be allowed to earn your trust back. 

Afaircare,

That was a very good explanation. But I'm not sure it was necessary. I think he does understand what a boundary is. Her choices are to stop crossing his boundaries, or he would divorce her. She has the power to choose what happens. She can either decide to respect his boundaries or get divorced. 

One of his boundaries is that he will not accept her going out and partying. Yes this is a level of control but she isn’t locked in a closet. She still has her free will to do whatever she wants. But she needs to understand her actions will have consequences.


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Oft~
> 
> 2) Regarding this part of what you wrote:
> 
> ...


Affaircare,

Let me backtrack just a little bit on the "going off" part. What I meant was that in the past few weeks I have been holding back on what I have said because I didn't feel like she would listen to what I said and how I truly felt. That night I didn't hold back. I told her just what I was thinking and how I felt. I never once yelled at her. My voice may have gotten loud a couple times, but that was because she would try and over talk me while I was in the middle of speaking. I give her plenty of time to say what she wants to say, I expect the same. I got a lot off my chest that night with her, things that I have been wanting to say to her.

The reason for all of this to come about was that when I was home I had caught her on multiple occasions going and checking out his facebook page. This would cause major arguments between her and I. The last time that I had caught her doing that we got into it and she swore to me that she would no longer go to his page. Well she admitted that she had been going to look at his page EVERY day while I have been gone. Her words. Now, I don't know how many times a day she was doing this a day but once a day is enough for me. Once is enough for me.

She straight out lied to me. I won't be lied to anymore. That is my boundary. She crossed it. Throughout this whole ordeal I have felt like a doormat. I won't live like that anymore.

Now to be honest, I think my actions the other night worked wonders. She texted me last night telling me how much she loved me, how sorry she was, and how she was going to be a better wife to me and do what is right. Sure, they are just words, but then she sent me another text that meant alot more to me. She texted and said "thank you for fighting for me and for our marriage when I wouldn't". I really think that she is coming out of the fog. What say you?

Mustang,

Thanks for the kind words. I don't close her off to the world whatsoever. I am picky about some of the things she does. She knows she can do whatever she wants, but if she does something she shouldn't I will divorce her. I don't have her locked in a closet and secluded from the world (doesn't mean I don't want her to be lol)


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## Mustang! (Jan 17, 2011)

That is AWSOME news. The fact that she sent those texs is a HUGE step in the right direction. You two still have a lot of work but its great that shes starting to come around. It sounds like she's starting to realize what an amazing husband she has because you stuck around and fought to keep her. Even after what she has put you through your still standing strong figting for your marriage. 

This really give me hope that one day my wife will realize those things too. Right now she is very resentful that the OM is getting into some seriouse sh*t with my unit back home. Now she is starting to feel very cut off and alone.. I hope thats just the withdrawl. 

Anyways I'm so glad that your starting to get a handle on things. I have learned a lot from your story. I can only hope mine plays out like yours in the end.


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

Thanks Mustang. I just hope that I am not being played. Hopefully she truly is seeing what is real and what is fantasy.

My wife did the same thing regarding the OM. Your wife is still emotionally attached to the OM. Keep putting the heat on both him and her to stop the affair. The harder you make it on him, the easier it will be to stop it. That's what I had to do. Once it was over, she did withdraw. She got very depressed and wouldn't talk to hardly anyone. She seems to be coming out of now. I guess it just takes time. Just remember, you can't force her to snap out of it, she will do it on her own schedule if you show her the right path.


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## Mustang! (Jan 17, 2011)

Oh the heat is on him big time since he recieved a no contact order from our commander. If he makes any contact with her it will be in violation of a direct order. That can bring all kinds of hell down on him like getting court martialed, losing pay, losing rank (if he hasnt already) and be barred from reenlisting or just kicked out. And good luck getting a job with a dishonerable discharge under your belt. 

I have a slight advantage over some of the other people here since the OM and I are both military. 

Have you and your wife gone to a MC? If so how did that work out?


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

We have been to six sessions so far. As I am gone for two week stretches, it is hard to stay consistent with it. I come home on Thursday and we have one on Friday. I may have to go by myself since it is in the morning time and it's hard to get a babysitter.

So far they have gone ok. The wife seems to respond better to the MC than she does to anyone else. Of course she would when he was telling her how wounded she was. I felt like he was giving her a pity party.

The MC that we go to on Friday is a new one as we had to swap over because of insurance reasons. I would definately suggest that you and the wife go when you get back home. Even if you and her decide to work things out prior to you getting home, it would still be a good idea.

Oh, and as to the other tread that you started a couple of days ago, I will let you know how that works out when I find out lol. Can't speak from experience yet.


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## Mustang! (Jan 17, 2011)

Haha sounds good. I hope it works out for you. 
I'm trying to get my wife to go to individual counseling until I get back. Then I want to start couples counseling. 

I know the pitty party thing sucks.. but I guess in some cases the DS has to believe that the thearapist is on their side. I'm not saying that what she did was ok by any means but she did it for a reason.. she had to justify it to herself somehow. So I guess in a way she is wounded.


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

So, things are still going pretty good with our marriage. Three weeks ago it seemed like we were moving two steps forward and then two steps back. Now, it seems more like two steps forward and only the occasional one step back. And honestly, the steps back are mostly from me. I still have problems dealing with the whole affair, but I am trying to put it past me.

I emailed her last night telling her how I felt about everything and some of the changes I would like to see. I don't think that it did any good but we didn't really fight or argue about it. She just came back with the ususal "whatever I do will never be good enough". I just don't think she understands how hard it is to deal with this.

We were actually intimate a few times when I was home for the past two weeks. Honestly, I was hoping for mind blowing sex, but I just felt like she wasn't too much into it. I have expressed these concerns to her but she doesn't think I should really be concerned about something like that. She says that she felt she was into it, but it didn't feel like it to me.

Oh, and I went to a MC the first day I was home. The MC was a new one and she was completely different from the original MC. I had to go by myself as the wife and I couldn't find a babysitter. Funny thing is, when I went to the MC and talked to her about the OM, I find out that he is the MC's personal trainer at the gym. So I never went back for another session nor have I scheduled any other MC. The wife has not mentioned going back to MC. I guess she wants to try and work on things on her own.


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