# I Made a Huge Mistake, Paying Dearly



## Unique Bird (Apr 18, 2009)

I really need to hear from people who don't know me and just read the facts. I need straight up honesty please. Here is the story

We are not married but have been together for 14 months. We do not live together just bf/gf. I have a very close male friend who at one time for a very short period before my bf was an intimate friend. 

Back in July the new bf got drunk (this was the only time I ever saw him drunk) Anyways, I had a seizure and he in his drunken state pushed me off the bed. I made the mistake of telling my friend that he did this. Well friend was not very happy as he saw all I went through after leaving an abusive relationship 2 years ago. He kept ragging on me about still being with this guy. So since I never "see" this friend anymore as he now lives 5 hours away and we only chat in email I told him in Oct me and the bf broke up. 

Then end of Dec my sister asked me if she could use my email address for a dating site. I like an idiot, said sure, I even wrote the profile for her. She told me that seeing me and the bf together at xmas she wanted the same thing. Low and behold in true sister fashion, she was already using my pictures online looking for a sugar daddy. I did not know this. I singed in on the computer to my email and confirmed the profile I knew about. I did not think to much about it. Got the email and confirmed it. 

Well in comes bf he finds all this on the computer. This is how I found out about the sugar daddy thing. He sent it to me. Now I was in the hospital when he found all this and was unaware he found this. He talked to all his friends and his sister before he "confronted" me. I paid dearly for this. We went through 2.5 months of nothing but fighting. We decided we do love each other he asked me to move in with him. However he has demonized me so bad to his friends and sister that I do not see a way to go back now. I do not even know all he said to them or what they told him he will not tell me. He gives me little snippets of info and that's about it. All I know is he told them we are working it out. I have not seen or talked to his friends since all of this. He does not want me talking when he is on the phone with them although he said he does not but I am worried what they will think if they hear me in the background. He does not even say my name to them. One time he friends gf called him, he was in my car and he acted like he was all alone. 

So I guess what I am asking is when some demonizes you so bad to a close group is there any chance of it working???? LOL Yep long story short.


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## miturn (Apr 8, 2009)

Personnally I would suggest that you chalk this one up as a life experience and move on "VERY BLOODY QUICKLY"
You wrote "However he has demonized me so bad to his friends and sister that I do not see a way to go back now" Ummm! at the risk of being blunt but honey please dont waste any more time there.


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## Unique Bird (Apr 18, 2009)

Thank you Miturn, thats where my brain was going already. I know I made a huge mistake with my friend and letting my sister use my email. Now though I think I have paid enough. I wish I knew what all he told them about me so if I did see these people I would be forewarned but like I said he will not tell me exactly what all was said. 

I guess I sought out this forum yesterday because he was out with them and of course he does not want me to see them and by the looks of things they do not want to see me. 

The saddest thing about this is I am 38 and he is 41 LOL I re-read this last night after I wrote it and thought I sounded like some little kid with no experience in life. I see it for what it is now and I am going to tell him today that this has to end as it it not fair to me or to him. All I wish is he had talked to me first and got the answers then it would have stayed between him and I.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

the problem with sharing all the unsubstantiated 'dirty laundry' with friends and family is that these same folks aren't around to witness the peaceful, good times when things settle down. they're sort of left on 'high alert', defensive for their friend or family member.

that being said, though, i don't really see much you did 'wrong', and i put that word in quotes because it implies a moral dimension to your actions.

allowing your sister to use your email is a naive faux pas. you should not have been demonized for this, and there is nothing to forgive.

if i had a significant other who did this, honestly, i would laugh and enjoy sharing the humorous story.

as for the lie to the previous boyfriend, yes that was a lie..

but, i suspect you lied simply out of fear, you do not indicate that you have a history of lying.

and so, again, if i had a significant other who confessed this lie, i would understand that we all lie out of fear from time to time then i would forgive and forget.

it is your boyfriend's responsibility to set the record straight with friends and family, and he should want to do this.

i see this situation entirely differently, that is, your boyfriend owes you an apology for talking trash about you.


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## Unique Bird (Apr 18, 2009)

Recent Cloud, 

Thank you and to be honest thats what I thought as well. All I wanted was to know what was said about me. After what he found he decided I was nothing better then a ***** and I wanted to know what he said to the others about me. I wanted this not so I could hold it against him but so I would know where I stood with these people in the future. 

We were fighting for about 2.5 months about all of this and I am not so sure he understands it from my side. One time we were in the car together his friends gf called him and he pretty much let her think he was alone in the car, now I talked to him about this he said he understood and he was sorry. At the time though he did not want any of them to know were trying to work things out, made me wonder why he did not want to get hit with all the questions??? 

Then just a couple weeks ago he is coming over to my place for a couple days his sister calls him and he tells her it is because I am sick and he did not want me to be alone. I was right there when he was talking to her and I heard her reply about being careful with me. 

I am starting to think he has some sick thing about me feeling very bad for telling my friend he and I broke up. Like the longer he can hold it against me and make me feel like a horrible person the happier he is. Final Red Flag for me now. Time to go


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Honestly, I think there's more to the story than what you've told or even what you know. Your boyfriend's behavior makes no sense. If the whole thing was a misunderstanding - and he believes you that it was - then there's no reason why he can't go back to his friends/ family and say, "oh, I had it all wrong - here's what happened". Would it be possible for him to confirm the story with your sister if he's still unsure? (and, as sidenote, why on earth would you think it made sense for your sister to NEED to borrow your email address? Anyone can get an email address for free and in two seconds flat, so that was just weird and you should've caught it).

Either way, he should be able to insist to his friends that you are working it out and that he expects them to treat you with nothing less than respect and friendliness. That's what he would do if he is taking you seriously and if he expects this to be long-term (which should be the case if he's asked you to move in). But, to HIDE YOU! That's immature and absurd.

I've had friends share horrible things about their partners, but if they remain together and the friend tells me the positives of the relationship and that they are working on things, well, I know to respect that and to respec their partner. And, usually, I get enough of a balanced view of the partner from my friend to know that they are not all bad, that they are merely flawed (or that there have been misunderstandings).

So either he has really ****ty, rigid, unforgiving friends and family or he's not demanding that you be given your rightful place in his life. I think it's the latter and that's a big problem.


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## Unique Bird (Apr 18, 2009)

I wish there was ohhh so much more to the story then this. He confirmed it all with my sister although she tried to down play some things to him. She is like me, I have one email and thats all I need. She has a few people that use the same computer in her house and did not want them to see a new email address on the computer. The way she put it to me made sense at the time and yep I fell for it and said sure use my email address and I will confirm when I get the email for it. I found out after the fact she did have another email address and she was posing as me looking for a sugar daddy but still she confirmed it all with him. She said she had set a trap for a guy she had been seeing who never met me. I personally do not believe thats what she was doing but hey it is her issue. I made the mistake of trusting her and ohh how I have paid for that.

I am sitting here now in the 4th month of this still trying to figure out how all of this got so blown out of the realm of reality. He now had me so confused that I needed to ask strangers online because I really thought I was a horrible person for this. 

I have flipped between he has demonized me in their eyes to hmmm I wonder if they even care about any of this and he is just letting me think they think I am so bad. After todays conversation with him I no longer care about fixing this as I feel there is no fixing it now. He told me on the phone when he knew I was ready to just end it, his sister told him she is happy were working it out because we must have deep feelings for each other ..... after all this time I have been saying I am so sorry feeling like a piece of crap, needing to fix things I screwed up, and wanting to know the whole truth. Telling my friend the truth freaking all over my sister creating a huge family conflict. He tells me this.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Well you know, you can see this as a huge mistake, or you can see it as a blessing. These things come up in life. I just think its a good thing you found out how he is before you moved in with him or really started a life with him. I kind of see this more as a blessing for you.


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## Unique Bird (Apr 18, 2009)

You know what your right Blanca. Did I make a mistake in telling my friend we broke up, yes I did. Did I do it with a malicious mind, no. I did it to get my friend off my back for a bit. I did not tell anyone else this just him. When my bf found this on the computer I told him why and told my friend the whole truth. He was upset but he understood he should have left me alone to make my own decisions. It is not like the bf id a drunk or anything close to that. Friend put him in the same boat as my ex psycho lol.

I guess the only thing I have not reviled is that I do have a medical condition and in January I was not on the best place emotionally. So truly I can give him some credit there. I did tell him though that I was not doing well but he would not just drop it and give me some time to think and get past the medical thing. So I know I helped keep the fight going then. After that though I tried everything to fix it all. He will just not let it drop. Guess that alone should tell me to walk away. I am not anywhere near perfect and I know I will make mistakes again and if he can not handle it then all I can do is walk away.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

you are thinking the problem through very deliberately, and you should be proud of yourself for examining every angle to come to a proper conclusion.

no one here can tell you what's right for you.

for all i know, your bf may, when faced with the reality of you leaving, finally man up and get things straight with his family and friends.

and, maybe he learns from the experience and grows.

however, this does not change what he did, which is illustrative of the man he is.

i have been in relationships where, very early on, drama very similar to your situation cropped up. the first time it happened, i tried so very hard to somehow make things work.

and my heart broke when i realized, after eight months of unrelentingly dysfunctional drama, that i just could not fix it.

it was then i learned that a relationship is far too heavy a thing for only one to hold up.


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## Fritz (Apr 3, 2009)

Doesn't sound healthy to me


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