# Borderline Personality Disorder



## Enoughathome (Oct 10, 2012)

I am not a mental health person. Just a husband about to embark on a divorce from my wife of 6 years who refuses to work despite being a healthy educated woman with a Bachelor's in Nursing, is controlling, can't have a meaningful conversation with her about any sensitive issues, and has now, as of last week, taken all our joint monies and put them into an account that only she controls. We do not have kids. 

In my attempt to try to understand what's going on I googled, "sense of entitlement". It turned out that she had alot of the signs of "borderline personality disorder". 

According to the National Institute of Health these are some of the symptoms: 

_According to the DSM, Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR), to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a person must show an enduring pattern of behavior that includes at least five of the following symptoms:

Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived

A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)

Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)

Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating

Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting

Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days

Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom

Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger

Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.

Seemingly mundane events may trigger symptoms. For example, people with borderline personality disorder may feel angry and distressed over minor separations—such as vacations, business trips, or sudden changes of plans—from people to whom they feel close. 

Studies show that people with this disorder may see anger in an emotionally neutral face5 and have a stronger reaction to words with negative meanings than people who do not have the disorder.

My wife has shown signs of these symptoms consistently. She refuses to go to counseling with me for our marriage so I went alone. Unfortunately for me, the counselor has told me that people with BPD rarely get better on their own and they need intensive counseling. She has told me that in many divorces, BPD is a factor with one of the persons. I am very sad, because I love my wife. I wish I could help her, but after 6 years of a crazy roller coaster ride I have to leave or risk paying her long term alimony according to my lawyer. As I write this, tears are streaming down my face becuase my lawyer is waiting for my call today to file the divorce papers with the court. 

I am writing this to alert anyone that may be suffering from this type of marriage that this may be the reason. Knowing the reason may not help the problem, but at least you have a reason for whatever it is worth._


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## Enoughathome (Oct 10, 2012)

Additional research. I am very depressed, because the article below defines my wife to a T

13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist
January 21, 2009 shrink4men Leave a comment Go to comments 
i 135 Votes


My girlfriend / wife doesn’t have a personality disorder. She’s just emotional. Maybe, maybe not. Borderline Personality Disorder isn’t as mainstream in public awareness as other psychiatric diagnoses, but it’s a very real problem that affects many individuals and the people who are in ongoing relationships with them or trying to end relationships with them.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a kissing cousin of BPD. There is usually some overlap between the two. Most people think being a narcissist means that you’re conceited or vain–there’s a lot more to it.

Men are typically accused of being insensitive and out of touch with their feelings. We rarely talk about women who emotionally abuse the men they claim to love. There are different reasons why this is a silent epidemic:

a) Society and psychology hold a reverse sexist attitude regarding the perpetrators and recipients of emotional abuse.

b) Men have been brainwashed into believing that “she’s just expressing her feelings” when she’s being abusive and that “he’s insensitive and doesn’t understand.” Unfortunately, many mental health professionals perpetuate this phenomenon through their own gender biases. Should these men enter into couples treatment, they often get tag teamed by their girlfriend/wife and the therapist into believing they’re the problem. Should this couple actually find a shrink worth his/her salt that tries to hold the Borderline/Narcissist accountable, said shrink is duly fired and vilified by the BPD/NPD.

c) Men are too embarrassed to talk about the hurt, pain and confusion they experience as a result of the way these women mistreat them.

Warning: Being involved with an abusive Borderline or Narcissist May Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health

Here are some common side effects of being in an abusive relationship, whether the abusive individual has a personality disorder or not:

1) Censoring your thoughts and feelings. You edit it yourself because you’re afraid of her reactions. Swallowing the lump in your throat and your hurt and anger is easier than dealing with another fight or hurt feelings. In fact, you may have stuffed your own emotions for so long that you no longer know what you think or feel.

2) Everything is your fault. You’re blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship and in general, even if it has no basis in reality.

3) Constant criticism. She criticizes nearly everything you do and nothing is ever good enough. No matter how hard you try, there’s no pleasing her or, if you do, it’s few and far between.

4) Control freak. She engages in manipulative behaviors, even lying, in an effort to control you.

5) Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde. One moment she’s kind and loving; the next she’s flipping out on you. She becomes so vicious, you wonder if she’s the same person. The first time it happens, you write it off. Now, it’s a regular pattern of behavior that induces feelings of depression, anxiety, helplessness and/or despair within you.

6) Your feelings don’t count. Your needs and feelings, if you’re brave enough to express them, are ignored, ridiculed, minimized and/or dismissed. You’re told that you’re too demanding, that there’s something wrong with you and that you need to be in therapy. You’re denied the right to your feelings.

7) Questioning your own sanity. You’ve begun to wonder if you’re crazy because she puts down your point of view and/or denies things she says or does. If you actually confide these things to a friend or family member, they don’t believe you because she usually behaves herself around other people. 

8) Say what? “But I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that.” Sure you did. Well, you did in her highly distorted version of reality. Her accusations run the gamut from infidelity to cruelty to being un-supportive (even when you’re the one paying all the bills) to repressing her and holding her back. It’s usually baseless, which leaves you feeling defensive and misunderstood.

9) Isolating yourself from friends and family. You distance yourself from your loved ones and colleagues because of her erratic behavior, moodiness and instability. You make excuses for her inexcusable behaviors to others in an effort to convince yourself that it’s normal. 

10) Walking on landmines. One misstep and you could set her off. Some people refer to this as “walking on eggshells,” but eggs emit only a dull crunch when you step on them. Setting off a landmine is a far more descriptive simile.

11) What goes up, must come down. She places you on a pedestal only to knock it out from under your feet. You’re the greatest thing since sliced bread one minute and the next minute, you’re the devil incarnate.

12) Un-level playing field. Borderlines and Narcissists make the rules; they break the rules and they change the rules at will. Just when you think you’ve figured out how to give her what she wants, she changes her expectations and demands without warning. This sets you up for failure in no-win situations, leaving you feeling helpless and trapped.

13) You’re a loser, but don’t leave me. “You’re a jerk. You’re a creep. You’re a bastard. I love you. Don’t leave me.” When you finally reach the point where you just can’t take it anymore, the tears, bargaining and threats begin. She insists she really does love you. She can’t live without you. She promises to change. She promises it will get better, but things never change and they never get better.


When that doesn’t work, she blames you and anything and anyone else she can think of, never once taking responsibility for her own behaviors. She may even resort to threats. She threatens that you’ll never see the kids again. Or she threatens to bad mouth you to your friends and family.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

As a BPD'er myself, I can tell you the odds of your wife ever even realizing she has a problem is slim. I wish you the best of luck and I am so sorry of the pain you are in. Take care.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> As a BPD'er myself, I can tell you the odds of your wife ever even realizing she has a problem is slim. I wish you the best of luck and I am so sorry of the pain you are in. Take care.


Same here. I put my husband through hell so I know how you must feel and I'm sorry. Most BPD's think the problem is with everyone else not them. Odds aren't in your favor unfortunately.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

> Most BPD's think the problem is with everyone else not them.


I don't know that I would have made it this far in life had I NOT thought that way. I truly thought I was "normal".


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> I don't know that I would have made it this far in life had I NOT thought that way. I truly thought I was "normal".


LOL so did I. What a joke. I was so effed up and I didn't have a clue.

BTW I'm sooooooo excited. I just ended therapy!!!! YAY! It took almost 4 years of intense IC but I consider myself CURED now. Yep last Tuesday I realized I had nothing left to talk about and so I just ended it. My therapist agreed and sent me on my way to enjoy my life.

No more meds, no more depression, no more anxiety, no anger, no fear of abandonment, no separation anxiety, no need to control, nothing...it's all just gone. I'm happy, secure, self confident, assertive and it feels great!!

Okay I'll clarify it's not 100% gone but it's very well managed by me.


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

I survived trying to "fix" my BPD niece-in-law....damn near killed me AND my 18 year relationship....done trying to fix..will NEVER do that again...and now I know TOO MUCH about BPD. I'm sure Uptown will visit...as he has lived much more HELL that I could even imagine to live with....sorry you are here...call that lawyer and save yourself...those that HAVE recovered are RARE GEMS...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

CONGRATS MAVASH!!! As a fellow bpd'er I'm VERY proud of you!!!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

what Pidge said is 100% true.I think that's why it's so easy for people to get caught up in trying to "fix" a bpd'er.You can't help someone who doesn't think there's anything wrong with them...they're going down and they WILL take you with them unless they somehow manage to get to the point of self awareness.

Good luck.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> CONGRATS MAVASH!!! As a fellow bpd'er I'm VERY proud of you!!!


Thanks it was so weird to walk out without another appointment card. LOL I feel like I just graduated college or something. What a freakin lot of work but I did it. Never thought I'd see this day. Seriously.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Thanks it was so weird to walk out without another appointment card. LOL I feel like I just graduated college or something. What a freakin lot of work but I did it. Never thought I'd see this day. Seriously.


You give me something to look forward to then I think you should have a party for yourself! It is something worth celebrating.

:smthumbup:


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

More Thoughts on FOG, Hoovers and No Contact When Ending a Relationship with a Narcissist, Borderline, Histrionic and/or Sociopath | Shrink4Men


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> You give me something to look forward to then I think you should have a party for yourself! It is something worth celebrating.
> 
> :smthumbup:


I'm kinda celebrating right now just sharing this here. I've got a big goofy grin on my face reading the responses. Feels surreal to not have any problems to fix. Whatever will I do with my time? LOL


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm grinning rather large myself right now!


shhh...i got misty eyed bc I KNOW how hard you had to work to leave that office without the need for another session. 

this is a fabulous happy day to say the least!


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I'm kinda celebrating right now just sharing this here. I've got a big goofy grin on my face reading the responses. Feels surreal to not have any problems to fix. Whatever will I do with my time? LOL


Fix me!


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Does anyone know much about the supposed "Silent BPD"?? Some of these are just so much like my husband... But he lacks the emotional outbursts...

I have to admit, it would seem like a few years ago I was probably BPD... I still have a hard time distinguishing it from PTSD symptoms, though. 

Thanks for sharing this information, EnoughAtHome. The information here has been very eye-opening. I am sorry that you are suffering... I wish I could say something less generic to comfort you... :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Does anyone know much about the supposed "Silent BPD"?? Some of these are just so much like my husband... But he lacks the emotional outbursts...
> 
> I have to admit, it would seem like a few years ago I was probably BPD... I still have a hard time distinguishing it from PTSD symptoms, though.
> 
> ...


A person doesn't have to exhibit all BPD traits to be BPD. I think it only has to be like 5 out of 9 at a consistent/strong level. I have no fear of abandonment and I do not lack empathy but, I am still a BPD'er.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I'm grinning rather large myself right now!
> 
> 
> shhh...i got misty eyed bc I KNOW how hard you had to work to leave that office without the need for another session.
> ...


Want to know what was weird? I barely cried in therapy. All those years and I'd shed a few tears but that was it. But the last 4-5 sessions I was SOBBING. It felt like the last bit of pain had surfaced and I was free.

I've cried more in the past 4 weeks that I have in my entire life. I cried almost every day but then it was just over. I still cry occasionally as more pain comes up but I don't need therapy for that. I have a quiet place set up in my house away from kids. When the emotions come up and I'm able to let them go freely. I was never able to do that before.

I feel whole being able to feel all my feelings even the bad ones. And when I'm done crying I feel light, airy, happy and free.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> Fix me!


I keep trying Pidge you know I do.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> More Thoughts on FOG, Hoovers and No Contact When Ending a Relationship with a Narcissist, Borderline, Histrionic and/or Sociopath | Shrink4Men


This is a great article, I am forwarding it to someone who I think needs to see it! :smthumbup:


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

YinPrincess said:


> Does anyone know much about the supposed "Silent BPD"??


Yin, because the quiet BPDers are far outnumbered by the loud BPDers, it is difficult to find information about them online. The two good articles I've found are Shari Schreiber's article at BORDERLINE WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES; Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved. and A.J. Mahari's article at Borderline Personality - The Quiet Acting In Borderline and The Silent Treatment - Nons - Borderline Personality Disorder Inside Out. Whereas Schreiber refers to them as "waif borderlines," Mahari calls them "acting in borderlines." Perhaps these articles will help cast light on your H's behavior.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

EnoughatHome, I'm sorry you're experiencing this. The coming months will prove challenging for you as you go through a very normal grieving process and start to heal. 

I have several articles on my blog that you may find helpful as you have to continue interacting with her from now until your divorce is final (and maybe even after that if you have children together.) 

I wish you the best.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Enoughathome said:


> She had a lot of the signs of "borderline personality disorder".


Enough, if your W has most BPD traits at a strong level, your divorce likely will get really nasty real quickly. Because BPDers do so much black-white thinking, they tend to be very vindictive while splitting you black. I therefore suggest you read _Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist._

If you would like to read about my experiences while living with my BPDer exW for 15 years, please see my post in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. Take care, Enough.


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

Enoughathome,

It made me teary reading your post. I am so sorry for your pain. I see it so much that the men that live with BPD women love them so very much and it kills them to have to walk away. It is heartbreaking. 

You have seen here that it can be cured with therapy, if only your wife would have the self awareness and commitment it takes to get better. Congrats to those who have/have had it and are self aware and willing to acknowledge it.

Again, I just wanted to express my sympathy for your pain and your difficult decision. I wish you the best.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

dixieangel said:


> You have seen here that it can be cured with therapy.


Dixie, sadly, BPD cannot be cured -- at least not at this time. The best that can be accomplished is for the person to learn techniques for managing the BPD traits. There are excellent treatment programs that will teach skills such as how to better control one's emotions, how to intellectually challenge intense feelings, how to do self soothing, and how to stay in the moment (instead of splitting).


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## Enoughathome (Oct 10, 2012)

Update....after being away for 10 days from my home I got a call from my wife. It was not the call I wanted. I was hoping to hear her say, I love you, please let's find a way to work this out. Instead, the call was an angry call telling me that I abandoned her by leaving. Again, everything was my fault and I was wrong by leaving her to take care of our home by herself. I repeat again that we have no kids. She refuses to consider my point of view. There was no interest in her part as to "why" I felt like I had to leave. I felt like I had to leave because she refuses to have a meaningful discussion and truly communicate, compromise, and refuses to go to marital counseling that I have been going to by myself. 

She points out that I have left 5 times in 5 years which is true. She doesn't seem to understand that I am not happy in leaving. I am not out there "playing around" or "yucking it up". I am living with my elderly mother in my sister's old room from high school, living out of boxes, in an uncomfortable situation. I left my beautiful home where I had every comfort. However, I didn't know what to do. I found out she had moved all our money into an account that only she controls. She refused to put my on the account and refused to give me half the money. This is money I have earned. It is alot of money, about 100K. She says it made her feel more secure. What about my security? My wife has not worked for 6 years, told me a couple of years ago that the reason she doesn't work is because it may affect her alimony if we ever divorced, and an attorney I spoke with told me if I stayed longer than 7 years in the marriage, I risk paying long term alimony. My wife refuses to go to counseling for our marital problem. She even threatened to give away our dog if we got the dog rather than give it to me in the divorce! Though I've prepared the divorce petition, I haven't had the courage to actually file it. I don't know what I am waiting for. I am hoping a miracle will happen. However, I've been hoping for that for a long time and it has not happened. I am so sad and depressed. Confused, torn, anxious, every negative feeling in the book.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You see a person's true character when they're faced with hardships. Now that she's facing hardships, you're seeing her character more clearly. Why wouldn't you RUN to file that divorce? She's not a kind or loving person at her core, and she clearly doesn't see your needs as important.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

:iagree:I agree with Kathy. Run, Forrest, RUN!!! Even after you file, Enough, the process will take a year or 18 months, depending on where you live. You can always stop the process during that time if, by some miracle, you are convinced she has permanently changed for the better. Moreover, by filing, you are sending a clear signal that this is not just the sixth in a long line of withdrawals on your part.


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## MSUBearsFan (Oct 12, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> what Pidge said is 100% true.I think that's why it's so easy for people to get caught up in trying to "fix" a bpd'er.You can't help someone who doesn't think there's anything wrong with them...they're going down and they WILL take you with them unless they somehow manage to get to the point of self awareness.
> 
> Good luck.


If I think (know?? The only thing above she doesn't do is hurt herself) my wife has BPD, should I just get out?? She's very close to her mom, should I ask her about it??


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

MSUBearsFan said:


> If I think (know?? The only thing above she doesn't do is hurt herself) my wife has BPD....


The vast majority of BPDers are high functioning people who do not do cutting or other forms of self harm. The low functioning BPDers, who are in far more pain, do that to relieve themselves from the internal pain. If your W is a BPDer, she almost certainly is high functioning (at least nearly all the time). Otherwise, it is highly unlikely you would have dated her, much less married her.


> should I just get out??


If she refuses to seek therapy and stay in it for at least several years, I usually advise spouses to leave. Otherwise, you are just harming yourself and her too by staying. You are harming her because, by staying, you are enabling her to continue behaving like a four year old and get away with it. In that way, you are destroying her best opportunity to have to confront her issues and learn to manage them. For her own welfare, it is important that she be allowed to suffer the consequences of her own bad behavior.

That said, I never advise abused spouses "to leave" when young children are involved. Instead, I advise them to do what is in the best interests of their children. Because you have one young child and a second on the way, you are in the best position to know what is best for them.

One important thing to consider is that, if your W has strong BPD traits, you are always at risk of her having you arrested and thrown into jail during one of her temper tantrums. BPDers are notorious for having their husbands locked up. As you already know, a BPDer can transform from a rage into the most rational "victim" in a few seconds, as soon as the police knock on the door. Remember, BPDers usually believe the outrageous allegations coming out of their mouths. They therefore seem to be very very convincing to police officers.

At the end of my 15 years of marriage, my BPDer exW did that to me so she could obtain a restraining order and kick me out of my own home. I was in jail for 3 days. The danger for you is far greater, however. Once you have the RO filed against and the arrest on record, she can use it to deny you obtaining custody of your own children.


> She's very close to her mom, should I ask her about it??


If your W has strong BPD traits, telling her mother won't change a thing. Not one thing. And the risk is that the mother will tell her. If that happens, your W almost certainly will project the accusation back on you (subconsciously), with the result that she will be absolutely convinced YOU are the BPDer. 

Hence, if you need to talk to someone, the very best person is a psychologist. That's why, two weeks ago, I suggested you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. 

With two young children involved, it is important to know exactly what they (and you) will be dealing with for the next 18 years. As I've explained in other threads, sending your W to a psychologist likely will NOT reveal the nature of her disorder if she has strong BPD traits. For a BPDer's own protection, the psych most likely will withhold the name of the disorder from her (and from you, even though you are paying the bill).


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## MSUBearsFan (Oct 12, 2012)

Uptown said:


> Hence, if you need to talk to someone, the very best person is a psychologist. That's why, two weeks ago, I suggested you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with.


Yeah, I've actually got an appointment set up for next week.... Hopefully we will be able to make sense of some things. 

I've also been reading "Splitting" so I can be as prepared as possible. 

Is it normal of a BPDer to use physical abuse?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

MSUBearsFan said:


> If I think (know?? The only thing above she doesn't do is hurt herself) my wife has BPD, should I just get out?? She's very close to her mom, should I ask her about it??


You're lucky she hasn't resorted to manipulating you by harming herself.

There are so many great forums regarding BPD and the people who live with a BPD partner.From what I've read,some stay and tough it out,accepting it as part of life in order to be with this amazing person they love.Some leave because it's too painful and makes them feel as though they're going crazy.

I've never heard about or met a person with BPD who actually got help because someone else convinced them to get help.I've only heard of people who hit bottom then realized they had a problem and got help on their own.

If you choose to stick it out with her then you need to join a support group for BPD spouses and you need to read everything you can get your hands on for coping.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

MSUBearsFan said:


> Is it normal of a BPDer to use physical abuse?


BPD is strongly associated with physical abuse, yes. This is not to say that every BPDer will do so. But it is very common. A 1993 Canadian study of spouse batterers, for example, found that over 90% of the batterers had a full blown personality disorder and about half had full blown BPD.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

I have been going through hell for 3 yrs with my wife. I wasn't aware of what i was dealing with until just recently. She has a very good job and is very driven at work. She has left me and rented someplace else twice now.. and moved to her daughters or ex's on several occassions. . She has everyone of the issues listed. She has other issue coupled with BPS. She has PTSD from being shot when she was 27 (she's 52 now). She has low self esteem, but considers herself a 'princess' and demands to be treated like one. She is completely self absorbed is emotionally abusive by with holding intimacy. When she hurts me and i ask her to apologize she says, "I've already forgiven myself." We went to counseling and the counselor (female) said it sounds like my wife is 'borderline'. I thought she meant borderline bi-polar. I wish she would have said the all the words.. I would have researched this a year ago.. my wife admitted to cheating on every man she has ever been with since she was 17. She has been married 4 times (cheated many time on all of them). Lived with 3 others. Dated a married guy when she was 17. She admitted to cheating on me several times.. she doesn't even have the ability to understand the pain she causes.. She married one of her ex's best friends from grade school 5 years. ago. ruined two entire families over it. She slept with another of her ex's cousins. She says this so casually too. Like, 'So what." I hate that I fell in love with her 3 yrs ago.. I hate that I bothered to even get past the first 'red flag' when she made a demand on me within the firs month of us dating.. She had planned a trip to Rocky Point ffor a week with co-workers. She said she wanted me to go. It was in 3 weeks. I told her I didn't have the money and that I hadn't planned this like she had ( it was planned months before I got with her). She said, "If you don't go, we're through." I should have walked away.. but I didn't know.


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## MSUBearsFan (Oct 12, 2012)

Uptown said:


> BPD is strongly associated with physical abuse, yes. This is not to say that every BPDer will do so. But it is very common. A 1993 Canadian study of spouse batterers, for example, found that over 90% of the batterers had a full blown personality disorder and about half had full blown BPD.


I've been really distant the last few days after 'the hit'. 

Today she finally snapped and asked why I'm being so distant to her and I said "uh, remember you hit me two days ago??" 

These are the texts that ensued:

I didn't even realize I hit you then

I'm sure I did because I mad at you 

I won't bother you anymore. 

Stop trying to make me feel bad for hitting you.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

My wife is the one who moved out. She has a very successful career so she has the means. I wasn't aware she had BPD until we were in counseling and the female counselor stated, "You might be borderline." I didn't know what that means.. but 6 weeks ago when she left I figured it out... My wife hit me in the mouth on Sept. 2nd. the next day she asked me what happened and I said, "Don;t you remember you punching me in the face?" she got this real nervous look on her face, turned around and walked away.. it's like that can't accept reality.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

MSUBearsFan said:


> I've been really distant the last few days after 'the hit'.
> 
> Today she finally snapped and asked why I'm being so distant to her and I said "uh, remember you hit me two days ago??"
> 
> ...


Stop trying to make her feel bad?? :scratchhead: She should feel bad!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I agree with Uptown 100% on this.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

MSUBearsFan said:


> These are the texts that ensued:
> 
> I didn't even realize I hit you then
> 
> ...


BPD's aren't allowed to make mistakes. Being less than perfect means punishment is coming. She had no choice but to blame it on you. 

Not excusing her behavior I'm just telling you how she thinks.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Mavash, spot on. My wife never apologizes (she BPD). Actually her saying is, "I've already forgiven myself." Arrogant to the core.


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## MSUBearsFan (Oct 12, 2012)

At least I saved a screen shot of her saying she hit me? 


Ugh, I feel so lost.


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## Enoughathome (Oct 10, 2012)

I'm the original poster of this thread. Update on my situation: It's been 2 weeks and 2 days since I've left my home. I hear through the family grapevine that my wife went to visit her father and she is acting like everything is normal. She mentions me and jokes like I just couldn't make it and everything is ok. I'm sure her father knows I left, but she is putting on a front because she doesn't want the rest of the family to know. One of them does because I told her. I truly believe that she thinks I will come home and this will "blow over" as it's done in the past. I have left 5 times in 5 years due to her conduct. I usually only left for a couple of days and then came back, but last year I was gone for 3 weeks. She called me crying one day and I did go back because I loved her and I didn't want her to be in pain anymore. Nothing truly changed however. This time is different because if I continue to stay in this marriage that I am unhappy in, I stand the chance of having to pay my wife long term alimony. Even now, I will have to pay alot for a while, but at least it's not long term or permanent. 

My wife has not called me except to tell me how mad she is that I "abandoned" her. I told her she had already abandoned me inside of our own home (she hasn't slept in the same bed with me in 2 months, she hears me dry heaving violently in the morning out of stress and doesn't check on me, she refuses to talk about our problems because everything is my fault, she won't go to marital counseling). 

I believe based on my research into Narcisstic Personality Disorder, that the day will soon come where she will call me crying and begging me to come home. I am weak when I hear her cry, but I intend to have resolve and not buckle and make a decision based on emotion. I intend to request certain things of her (she has to go back to work, seek counseling, and agree to a specific amount of alimony should we continue to try and we ultimately fail). I am so scared to be divorced, yet I am as scared to go back home. I can't keep doing this. The emotional roller coaster is too hard to stay on even as much as I love her. Leaving is not easy and it destroys me emotionally and is damaging me physically. However, what do I do when my wife refuses to communicate with me, work towards a resolution, and takes no responsibility for her actions and inactions?

Love is truly blind. When we were dating, I also broke up with her due to her controlling nature. However, at the time, I just thought that if I proved to her that I was committed to her by marrying her things would get better. Once I was her husband (her property) things just got worse. I had no "hand" or power in the relationship at all. Just in love with a control freak. I've paid a big price. 8 years of my life, hundreds of thousands of dollars, and most importantly, a chance to meet someone who would have appreciated me and showed me what true love was.


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## MSUBearsFan (Oct 12, 2012)

Enoughathome said:


> I'm the original poster of this thread. Update on my situation: It's been 2 weeks and 2 days since I've left my home. I hear through the family grapevine that my wife went to visit her father and she is acting like everything is normal. She mentions me and jokes like I just couldn't make it and everything is ok. I'm sure her father knows I left, but she is putting on a front because she doesn't want the rest of the family to know. One of them does because I told her. I truly believe that she thinks I will come home and this will "blow over" as it's done in the past. I have left 5 times in 5 years due to her conduct. I usually only left for a couple of days and then came back, but last year I was gone for 3 weeks. She called me crying one day and I did go back because I loved her and I didn't want her to be in pain anymore. Nothing truly changed however. This time is different because if I continue to stay in this marriage that I am unhappy in, I stand the chance of having to pay my wife long term alimony. Even now, I will have to pay alot for a while, but at least it's not long term or permanent.
> 
> My wife has not called me except to tell me how mad she is that I "abandoned" her. I told her she had already abandoned me inside of our own home (she hasn't slept in the same bed with me in 2 months, she hears me dry heaving violently in the morning out of stress and doesn't check on me, she refuses to talk about our problems because everything is my fault, she won't go to marital counseling).
> 
> ...


Stay strong... 

I'm the same way, I could be furious at my wife, but if she cries I just fold/cave in... 

Like I said, stay strong!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Enough,

The only way you have a prayer of this working is to do the stuff below BEFORE you move back home. 

1. She gives back your half the money she seized
2. She gets a full time job and you start DATING without moving home - you continue DATING while she gets treatment
3. When she behaves consistently in a way that you are good with, you consider moving home




Enoughathome said:


> I'm the original poster of this thread. Update on my situation: It's been 2 weeks and 2 days since I've left my home. I hear through the family grapevine that my wife went to visit her father and she is acting like everything is normal. She mentions me and jokes like I just couldn't make it and everything is ok. I'm sure her father knows I left, but she is putting on a front because she doesn't want the rest of the family to know. One of them does because I told her. I truly believe that she thinks I will come home and this will "blow over" as it's done in the past. I have left 5 times in 5 years due to her conduct. I usually only left for a couple of days and then came back, but last year I was gone for 3 weeks. She called me crying one day and I did go back because I loved her and I didn't want her to be in pain anymore. Nothing truly changed however. This time is different because if I continue to stay in this marriage that I am unhappy in, I stand the chance of having to pay my wife long term alimony. Even now, I will have to pay alot for a while, but at least it's not long term or permanent.
> 
> My wife has not called me except to tell me how mad she is that I "abandoned" her. I told her she had already abandoned me inside of our own home (she hasn't slept in the same bed with me in 2 months, she hears me dry heaving violently in the morning out of stress and doesn't check on me, she refuses to talk about our problems because everything is my fault, she won't go to marital counseling).
> 
> ...


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...stuff to watch out for...
...many BPD women will fabricate domestic violence complaints. Be wary, carry a recorder. If things are bad, it is probably best to move out and avoid being alone with her. Also, bear in mind that the police are not unbiased - DV laws are primarily to protect men. If your wife is so inclined...she can hang up after a normal conversation...call the police...sobbing...and claim you threatened her physically. They'll arrest you.

...many BPDs are physically violent. For men, if the violence passes a certain physical threshold...(multiple bruises, preferably with witnesses and/or recordings) and no hint of self-defense or aggression, I recommend just calling the police and letting the BPD spend a few days in jail. It can help to document the first few incidents with friends or neighbors and talk to the local police department in advance.

...a dated diary (over a long period) can be useful in court for custody issues.

Read Splitting - but be aware that the book is, as far as I've observed...somewhat understated. Don't panic though...people generally survive...and not being married to a mentally ill person is apparently awesome.

...overall...if a partner is BPD, the best advice is to leave - and seek sole custody (or whatever is achievable) for the kids.

(OTOH, congratulations to pidge and Mavash and Scarlet and all the others...)

...in terms of encouraging your partner to seek help...it is usually best to let them endure natural consequences in a reasonably loving fashion. In my wife's case, those consequences included jail time and a planned divorce. So far, she's been in therapy for about 2 years...and does seem to be making progress. Staying isn't exactly worth it to me, but our child loves her. I would argue that staying and enabling abusive behavior is actively bad for BPDs - and is an action that a loving partner should not undertake.

...read Townsend - Boundaries. Basically, if your boundary is:
I won't live with a woman who steals my money - moving back before she returns the money doesn't seem workable.

--Argyle


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