# Wife is emotionally not connected, 22 year old father not sure what to do.



## ps4isGreat (Jul 28, 2013)

First I want to thank you for taking your time and reading this and any and all feedback would be appreciated.

First off let me say I love my wife, been married for almost 2 years, together for 3 before that. We have 2 beautiful boys. (2 and 5) She has worked for the past year and a half, while I worked from home self employed. I stay and watch the boys while she works. Before this I was the only one working supporting this family. Up untill a month ago we were both extremely happy. Then my life it seems started to turn upside down. She started to be distant, closed off, no so touchy, tired all the time. I started to get concerned and like usual she would just say "Im tired, thats all". I finally got it out of her that she feels like maybe we werent meant to be, that she loves me, but not in love with me. Just a month ago I asked her hypothetically if she would ever leave me. She said no, shell fight what ever feeling she has and get over it. So now that she has this feeling, I bring that up and she has nothing to say. She tells me she's not sure if what I feel for her is genuine, or because I have no where to go, and not as financially secure as her.


Now she's telling me she's not emotionally connected with me. I told her im just going to focus on the kids, she agreed that we should, I tell her I want to take them to the movies to see that new one "Planes" she says ok. We go and she tells me during the movie that she wants to come after to see another movie with me, and go out to eat. I take this as she wants to work it out with me. So I arrange a baby sitter for the kids, I take her, but I swear she's just acting like my sister or something. I try to hold her hand, and she accepts it, but you could tell she's just going along with it because she doesn't want to be rude and pull away. I mean it seems like she has mixed emotions. This confuses the hell out of me so I went on a "texting rampage" and let her know how I felt. Reminding her of good times, trying to see how all this happened, but I realize im making it worse.



So all in all, I decided I want to improve myself, get a job, start exercising, get a car for myself, you know just get on my feet. She comes home like 15 minutes ago, and I leave her a note, saying Im sorry I have been acting crazy for the past few weeks, i was desperate and panicky, but im just going to focus on my self now. I ask her not to talk to ANYONE about our marriage, and I thank her for everything she's done in my life. She reads it, she comes out to the living room (where im sleeping tonight) and tells me she thinks thats a good idea, I tell her lets just see where were at in a month, and she said ok. 


I want my wife back, she acts so normal, like nothing is wrong, but me im going through hell, it feels like I have my bestfreind back, not my wife. I want to give her space, and distance, but I have no where to go, plus I can't be away from my kids. Do I sleep in the living room to give her "distance"? I'm not sure if this will work, but I feel like if she sees me as independent, then maybe she will look at me how I was in the beginning of this relationship, and start to feel differently now. I don't know.

by the way, before you all say it, there is no one else, I have a gps location, and I call her any minute and she picks up the phone, I even talk to a few of her co workers, there is no one else like that so please don't say its an affair because I already went down this road.

Thanks for reading and any and all feedback would be appreciated.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You've made a good decision to work on improving yourself. That's the first rule you needed to learn, "You can only change yourself".

I notice your choice of a screen name. How much time do you spend on the game per week? Gaming may be just a recreational hobby, but women don't find it an attractive in men who stay at home. Stick to activities that actually improve your quality of life and have benifits to the family.

Have you read MMSL yet?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

How old is your wife? I'm going to assume she's about your age. Either way, from the timeline of your relationship, she got pregnant almost immediately, right? Then you guys had your second at about 20? This is a tough time for any marriage, but when you start so young, you have an extra burden, in that either one of you might feel like you've missed out on part of your childhood or your fun, early adult years. She might be grieving that. 

Do you go to church? Will your pastor help you guys though this? I think having someone to talk to at this juncture is really important.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I would make sure there is no other person in this story if I were you. This might sound outrageous but your post sounds like a prelude to every other affair story that gets posted here; (again, not saying an affair for sure but the signs do match. Rule it out first)


Common warning signs :

Lots of phone and text messages.(check the phone records)

lock code on the phone

Working late

A new coworkers she talked about previously but stopped sharing.

Staying out late a lot., regular GNO and increased alcohol consumption.

I think googling will give you a lot more signs(too lazy to type all of them out)

But from what i observe from your situation, this is quite a common scenario. A woman in her early 20's finding out that she can play the field much more easily than a guy can and regretting for sowing her wild oats a little more. She might be regretting getting into marriage with one of the first guys she had a relationship with. She probably sees her co-workers juggling relationships, seeing multiple guys and enjoying their dating lives while to her, you represent the a restricted life with kids, commitment and financial responsibilities.(The grass is greener scenario) She might even have someone in her friend's circle she is interested in and resents you for this. If this is the case, the earlier you realize the situation, the better you can handle it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ok, this part from your older thread pretty much confirms it



> I ask her is there anything specific that makes her feel this way. She says she doesn't want to always give me love and have to worry if she's being a good wife or not, she tells me she never got to experience life as a single person. I jump to conclusions and ask her if maybe she is not happy with me or this marriage, and if she feels like maybe there is someone else out there for her, she tells me "I dont know"


Did she need you financially in the initial stages of the relationship ?

How much do you earn at your ob ? Does it have long term potential ?


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## ps4isGreat (Jul 28, 2013)

Yes I play video games, not regularly no more, in fact I haven't played in a week. I know she is not a huge fan but shes never mentioned anything bad about them.

She's 22, yes she said she feels like she's missing out, I mean I dont blame her. Getting pregnant at 16, jumping from one relationship to me with no time in between. She told me she feels like shes never knew what it feels like to be single, and I told her that she should have thought about that before we took our vows and had a baby together. I know this is an issue but I don't think its THE issue. 

and yes, there was a point in time where she was dependent on me. I was the one going out there and making money, pulling crazy hours, still making money at home to support us. Now that she's working, it seems like just because I am not as financially secure as her, she wants to know if my love for her is genuine, which is stupid because I never tested her love for me like this.

I have full access to her phone, facebook. Like I said, I already ruled out an affair. 



The only issue is.... how to get emotionally connected to my wife again. I told her a couple days ago that it seems like she's holding back. Like I know she is having a good time, but she's not letting her self get all lovable, and she said maybe cuz that level is just not there.




I just want my wife back guys. I just got a call for stanley steemer, so hopefully I get this job tomorrow so I can keep my mind off her, make money, and maybe she wil see me in a different perspective.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Here, read these books and get an idea of the subject for yourself. Then make your plan to go forward. No guarantee for the future, but at least you'll have the knowledge you need for yourself.

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. 

Home | The 5 Love Languages®


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I think you may be making too little of your ages. It seems to me that with a 2 year old and a 5 year old your wife is probably thinking that all the other people her age are out having fun. You may have thought that too. She probably, even though its not right, blames you for that loss of freedom. She might even resent you a little.

If I were you, I would keep focusing on self improvement. You sound like you love your wife and the life you have together. If you want your wife to love it too, you need to show her that you are willing to work for her and do anything. She may not be accepting of your physical affection right now, but how about flowers? Little love notes left in strange places? These little reminders of how much you love her might help open her up again. 

Keep on focusing on your self improvement. Most women love a man who works hard for them and is faithful. You are a good guy from what you say in your post. I hope she will soften up over time if it is in fact resentment as I said.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

ps4isGreat said:


> So all in all, I decided I want to improve myself, get a job, start exercising, get a car for myself, you know just get on my feet.


You did not explain what happened with your job and I suspect this is a relevant issue. You were working a lot of hours on a job plus working from home before, and you did not say you lost that job but I suppose we are to infer that with the statement you work from home now.

So could you please be forthright about this? Did you get fired, quit, layed off or what? Is this why she got a job?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

First off take the game system and go pawn it and buy her something with the money. Show her it means nothing to you. You should not be playing that when she is around anyway. IF she ever plays with you then fine, but I doubt it.

Time to act like a man. Show her you are a prize to be won, not something to be discarded.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

ps4isGreat said:


> Getting pregnant at 16, jumping from one relationship to me with no time in between. She told me she feels like shes never knew what it feels like to be single, and I told her that she should have thought about that before we took our vows and had a baby together. I know this is an issue but I don't think its THE issue.


Are you sure it's not THE issue?? Getting pregnant at 16, that's just so young. That's why I'm wondering if there's some kind of counseling/mentorship that you guys can access. Maybe a local program for very young couples, or some kind of program though your church. You guys are at the highest risk of divorce of any married couples, you'd think there'd be some kind of program out there aimed at helping you stay together. 

Also, do you two ever get to go out and have fun without the kids? If she's feeling like she's missed out on her carefree years, I wonder if getting a sitter once a week and going out to have fun would help.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Stay in YOUR bed. If she dont want to sleep with you, she can go some where else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ps4isGreat (Jul 28, 2013)

As for the job, when I say I was once working and working from home, I mean I was working a full time job, plus my tattoo work from home. I remember her saying she doesn't like to be home all the time, so I told her to get a job. She got a job at a grocery store, and got promoted pretty quickly. It was difficult because we have so little family that is willing to help with baby sitting. I quit my job because my wife was a manager at a grocery store, we were comfortable financially, and I quit so for the last year i've been working from home.

I love my wife very much, and I know she loves me. We both love our kids to death. We spend good familly time, go to the beach, movies, birthday parties, family events. We spend good time as a familly, but lately when we do things alone, she acts awkward and just not into it. I could tell she does have a good time, but she's holding back.


As for the playstation, I NEVER play when she is around. Like literally NEVER. This past month I took back my reservation for my playstation 4 and bought her a bouquet at Edible Arangements about 2 weeks ago. She was in a "dark time" at this time and was Super unaccepting of it. 


We never fight, if we do, and can't come to an agreement, we just walk away from eachother, cool off, and comeback and talk it through. 



I only have one main question, and the whole reason I came to here again... She loves me, no doubt. She says she's not sure if we can work on it, I dissagree. She says she is not emotionally connected to me, I understand. I mean this happens in all marriages right? That "spark" goes missing eventually. My main question is....


if she really not attracted to me the same way as before, I have to make her fall in love with me again. When we first got together, I was going to college, had my own job, own car, I had plans. I was going to do big things in this world. but then she came along and I made my world about her and took in Isaiah (my step son) as my own at the age of 18. 4 years later, im just a stay at home dad, that occasionally makes money. If I get back to how I was when she fell in love with me, and continue to live here, parent our kids, show her I still care, pull my own weight, she has to come back right? Should I still sleep in the same bed with her? Should I answer her calls and tell her im busy doing something reguardless if I am or not? I was reading somewhere that girls don't like rejection. So im not sure how to reject her, with me living here. Do I make sense?


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## ps4isGreat (Jul 28, 2013)

I decided im not leaving my bed. This is my house, as much as hers. Things will not get better emotionally if we are separate. I just need to focus on myself. I'm going to start working out, get a car, hopefully ill nail this job interview tomorrow. Take care of my family. So when we both come home, we both can relax and look forward to each others company. I love her and my kids, im not losing them


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

ps4isGreat said:


> I decided im not leaving my bed. This is my house, as much as hers. Things will not get better emotionally if we are separate. I just need to focus on myself. I'm going to start working out, get a car, hopefully ill nail this job interview tomorrow. Take care of my family. So when we both come home, we both can relax and look forward to each others company. I love her and my kids, im not losing them


Good plan.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

ps4isGreat said:


> As for the job, when I say I was once working and working from home, I mean I was working a full time job, plus my tattoo work from home. I remember her saying she doesn't like to be home all the time, so I told her to get a job. She got a job at a grocery store, and got promoted pretty quickly. It was difficult because we have so little family that is willing to help with baby sitting. I quit my job because my wife was a manager at a grocery store, we were comfortable financially, and I quit so for the last year i've been working from home.


Thanks. It could be an issue. A lot of women lose respect for a man that is not bringing home the bacon. 





> She loves me, no doubt. She says she's not sure if we can work on it


Place the boot squarely in her rear end and figuratively kick her out the door.

This "I love you but not in love with you" and "not sure if we can work on it" crap is all about having your cake and eating it too.

It's cruel to tell someone this because what they're doing is keeping you on reserve as "Plan B" in case "Plan A" doesn't work out. 

You are poster number 3,457,227 with the same ILYBNILWY story. I wish there was a red button I could push for everyone we hear that about and send them through a hamburger grinder. I'm just so sick of hearing it. Can't they come up with something a little more original? Like the truth maybe?


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## ps4isGreat (Jul 28, 2013)

I don't know if I would be the "plan b" I mean, last night I wrote her a handwritten note saying she's right, were emotionally disconnected. I told her im sorry i've been going crazy the past couple of weeks with the crazy text messages, but im ok now and I accept it. I tell her im just gonna focus on myself, and she could do the same. I tell her she is still my wife, as i am her husband, so there should be no one else.

We talked this morning and she said thats good, that she agrees, I told her maybe in a month things will be different and we will see where life takes us. She agreed. 


I left, went to work out. I never work out, but I need to build back my confidence, plus I have put on some extra pounds since we got married. Im only like 10 pounds over weight but still. I leave, she asks me where im going. I tell her to work out, she asks who is taking me, I just say im not sure yet. (I had a friend bring me, I just wanted her to think about me). She called when I was there, asking where was I, I told her im at the gym I would talk to her later. We hung up, she calls back an hour later telling me what she's doing, I tell her she doesn't have to check in with me, its cool. We hang up. I go home, take a shower, relax on the couch. She walks to the room where my phone is, im following her and she doesn't know. I bust her going through it, I ask her what she is doing and she starts laughing. 


I don't care that she goes through my phone, facebook, email cuz there is nothing there. But how she is wondering where i've been, going through my phone, shows me she still cares. I ask her what that was about in joking way, and she said I go through her phone, I say yes I do occasionally, but thats because I can't stand the thought of her being with someone else, and because I love her and I am jealous. I ask her whats her excuse, she starts laughing. It was pretty funny. She says she was just "curious"


Thoughts?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Read up on the 180. Make yourself better for you and your kids. And PLEASE start accepting the fact that it may very well be over.

How often do you see couples get back together once they break up? Not often, and when they do, it's because they miss each other and get back together (absence makes the heart grow fonder). They don't get back together because they enjoy being with that partner they just left. Getting HOURLY reaffirmations as to why they left.

You are 22. You figured out your wife doesn't love you early. You have YOUR ENTIRE LIFE ahead of you. You get a do-over. I envy you.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Keep your radar up. I still smell another man. She may have a cheating coach. I dunno it just does not fit.

Definitely dont separate. The focusing on yourself part is a sound plan.

Hmmm.. She thinks YOU are cheating???


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ps4isGreat said:


> I don't know if I would be the "plan b" I mean, last night I wrote her a handwritten note saying she's right, were emotionally disconnected. I told her im sorry i've been going crazy the past couple of weeks with the crazy text messages, but im ok now and I accept it. I tell her im just gonna focus on myself, and she could do the same. I tell her she is still my wife, as i am her husband, so there should be no one else.
> 
> We talked this morning and she said thats good, that she agrees, I told her maybe in a month things will be different and we will see where life takes us. She agreed.
> 
> ...


Yes, you changed your behavior. So now she's wondering why. This is a good thing. You have her attention.

The book "Divorce Busting" talks about this. They call it the "180". It's not the 180 for betrayed spouses (BS) that everyone around here passes around. It's a 180 customized for your particular circumstance. You start doing things exactly the opposite of your normal behavior. And then suddenly you have your wife's attention. She's wondering what you are up to.

This is a good thing. You have her attention. Keep it up.

Along with that book, I also suggest that you read "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busting".

You need to work on yourself, be a better you. But start to be a better husband as well. Those books will help you do this.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Thoughts?

Stop telling her everything on your mind. put her feelings on the back burner for a while. Stop being an open book. Stop taking her approval for every action you do. Trust your gut to do the right thing and improve yourself. She is normal person with faults too. She could be misguided by the direction of the relationship too. 

I think you can fix this long term by being strong and making some hard decisions for yourself and your future(Like your future. Tattooing is not long term I assume) rather than doing stuff to appease her for the time being


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> Keep your radar up. I still smell another man. She may have a cheating coach. I dunno it just does not fit.
> 
> Definitely dont separate. The focusing on yourself part is a sound plan.
> 
> Hmmm.. She thinks YOU are cheating???


I also think she is worried than he has no aspirations for life and will be keep being dependent on her. She is probably meeting guys that are aspiring for much more in life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ps4isGreat said:


> I have full access to her phone, facebook. Like I said, I already ruled out an affair.


Do you have access to what she does at work? Not likely.

Someone there is flirting with her.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this but some things are not adding up. 

Emotional disconnect from a woman seems to happen when the following happen:

1. No respect for their partner.
2. No job or decent way to provide.
3. Other man.

I don't mean to sound nasty but from what you are telling us it looks like she does not respect you and does not believe in your ability to provide or protect.

Sit her down and tell her to be honest with you and work out a custody agreement. I wouldn't be surprised if there were another man on the radar.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

turnera said:


> Do you have access to what she does at work? Not likely.
> 
> Someone there is flirting with her.


Yes unfortunately I have to agree. I think she is setting her mind on another man and shes planning a potential exit to greener pastures.


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## ps4isGreat (Jul 28, 2013)

I just got a job, its for only $10 an hour but its a painters position and its full time. My goal is to show her I could be a good husband, great father, and show her she can depend on me. I'm not going to jump back into it, cuz at the end of the day I need her to WANT to be with me. She fell in love with me I could do it again. The only thing I don't know is now that im able to contribute, should I do little things I always do/did, like buy her flowers so often, take care of one of her chores, etc. Or should I just continue to focus on myself and let her come around on her own.?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Instead of flowers and other creepy romance stuff, go to the book store and get the book His Needs Her Needs and read it. Then download the Love Buster questionnaire from Harley's website and either ask her to fill it out (she oughta be glad to tell you what you're doing wrong) or try to fill it out for her. Once you know how you've LB'd her (upset her), spend the next month STOPPING those habits that LB her. Once you've done that, download the Emotional Needs questionnaire and ask her to fill it out, or figure it out for her. Then start making sure you are meeting HER Emotional Needs (not the ones YOU think she has). Don't say anything about it, just keep doing it. 

And also find a way to check out her coworkers for an affair.


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