# Pushing my wife to her limit



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

I feel like that's exactly what I am doing.

Not because I am mean, just because she is at a point where she MUST stop her misery. 

We moved to town based on a part time job. I have another good paying job which is done remotely.

She wanted to move, but claims has nothing to do. I am working in a non-profit and she felt she will find her niche. Well, she is very not self motivated, every little challenge scare her off. So she found every excuse possible not to do anything but staying home with the kid.

Well, I am fine with that. I don't mind her staying at home with my kids. I think we can afford that.

But she is not happy.

Yersterday she told me why she cannot be content with staying at home "because you don't value what I do". Well, the issue never came up, and in fact I do value what she does much (maybe didn't tell her enough). However, many times in our marriage she tell me what I think of her when it cannot be more far than the truth.

Basically, very insecure.

Now I told her she can look for a different city to move to, and she can find a job, or go the school, or do whatever she wants.

Just for you to understand, before we moved she was working, and was almost not happy in any job.

She is almost never happy with anything she does ever!

She started yelling at me last night for replying to her everytime with "okay, you are not happy here, let's move to somewhere you'd be more happy" - she said it's my fault that she is not happy because I didn't find her anything.

I told her to stop being so dependent and be independent. She get's really mad and ready to kill me.

I don't mind her being dependent, I would support her in any way possible. I don't mind (and would be happier) if she would be independent, but I understand if she doesn't.

But what is driving me crazy is that she is being so dependet, and blaming me for everything wrong in her life.

Okay, thank you guys for listening, as always.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Waiter this food is terrible! And the portions are too small!!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Josh,

Who put you in charge of making her happy?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/44287-nice-expectations-ticket-emotional-hell.html


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Conrad, I am not trying to make her happy.

But what would you suggest me to do when she complains non-stop? And blaming me for taking her to a city where she is not happy? Shouldn't my response be "okay find yourself a city and let's move there?"


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Your wife is a glass half empty person. Wherever she goes, there she is. My MIL was like this. My FIL had two coping techniques for this.

One: Ignore most of what she says. 

Two: Use humor to gently deflect her complaints.

Realize that you will never be able to make her happy. So don't try. You will just join her in her misery if you do.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

You are right! I should stop, really stop, really stop, really stop!!! (I write this as she in another room).


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I mentioned this earlier today, but I'll repeat it here:

Happiness comes from within, from being content/pleased with what you have and from loving and being loved by those around you.

She needs to work on being content with things and finding joy in simple things. She needs to appreciate your love for her, and she needs to remind herself of her love for you. When she can get closer to doing things like that, she'll be happy (or at least happier).


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Josh,

Remember - control of your emotions is everything.

Don't join her in the crazy-making dance.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Josh,
> 
> Remember - control of your emotions is everything.
> 
> Don't join her in the crazy-making dance.


Yes. I am doing much better at this.

I have to tell you I just read your other post (about not doing things for your wife if she doesn't show appreciation) and it's so true. She used to tell me "can you bring me this or that" when BOTH of us were sitting. I always used to get up and do it. Now I say to her "why should I do it if we are both sitting? It will take you just as much effort as me."

She wanted to talk today and tell me how she feels unloved and blah blah blah. Well, I told her that while she might "feel" not loved "enough", I feel and being spoken too as if I am the worst person on earth. I told her I can never make her happy, or make her happy with me - unless she is deciding to accept me and be happy. Otherwise she will forever be resentful.

Some lines from today (in response do "I married you because I wanted, I loved you") "of course, me too - I didn't want to be alone." "I don't want to get divorced, I don't want to be divorced and break our family" (me: I don't want to be divorced because I think we can have a great future together).

Bummer she grew up with a mom that always negative, never enjoy life, etc...


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> Your wife is a glass half empty person. Wherever she goes, there she is. My MIL was like this. My FIL had two coping techniques for this.
> 
> One: Ignore most of what she says.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## t_hopper_2012 (Apr 17, 2012)

When she talks and expresses how unhappy she is, do you think she's just wants to express her feelings or do you think she's looking for you to solve the problem?

I ask because this is a miscommunication problem that I used to run into with my wife (and that I think is common with a lot of men). I tend to want to fix things. If my wife talks about a problem or some dissatisfaction, I move right into "fix it" mode. Often times, that is not what she wants. She just wants to have the opportunity to be heard and understood. By moving to "fixing mode", I don't give her this opportunity.

Now, it sounds like your wife may be way beyond this - since it seems that she is not happy about anything. But, you could still try some form of it. Don't try to fix it for her (as other posters have said, "Who put you in charge of her happiness?"). Instead, listen, be understanding. When you feel that you've really given her a change to express her feelings - and you've listened, then reflect it back to her and ask "Well, what do you think we should do about this?" Now, she's involved in the solution. You might get an "I don't know" response that includes a lot more venting. I would suggest you continue to be supportive while also continuing to reflect the responsibility to fix things back to her. "Well, dear, we've tried a lot of things that I've suggested - moves, etc - what do you think we should do?"


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Josh,

Rather than ask her why won't she do it, how about the following:

"You know, as we're sitting here I was just thinking about the cute little jiggle in your ass I'd be enjoying if you were to get up and do it."

And then smile serenely.





joshbjoshb said:


> Yes. I am doing much better at this.
> 
> I have to tell you I just read your other post (about not doing things for your wife if she doesn't show appreciation) and it's so true. She used to tell me "can you bring me this or that" when BOTH of us were sitting. I always used to get up and do it. Now I say to her "why should I do it if we are both sitting? It will take you just as much effort as me."
> 
> ...


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

It's a futile exercise to try to keep track of making her happy and being the sole source of happiness for her. You know why? It's going to constantly change. Many women don't know how to be happy, so instead of having to figure it out for herself, you've become her emotional punching bag that she uses to toy with while scapegoating you for not being able to get the job done.

When this happens, the solution is simple. Take your ball and go home.

She can't beat you at a game you refuse to play. Stop taking it serious because there is nothing logical about the way she treats you.

Find happiness for yourself and let that trickle down to her should she act right and be in a place to receive it. Otherwise, don't put yourself in a position to be abused in the name of making her "happy."


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Conrad said:


> Josh,
> 
> Remember - control of your emotions is everything.
> 
> Don't join her in the crazy-making dance.


Exactly. Ice cold, playful and sure of yourself.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I feel your pain, I am an ex "nice guy" and my wife was exactly like your wife.

I liken it to a first world problem. It's easy to complain about your iPhone battery dying when you get 3 square meals a day and have a roof over your hread and clean clothes every day. Similarly, it's really easy to complain about how unhappy and horrible your life is when you have a good man supporting you 100% emotionally and financially.

The lessons I learned, which helped tremendously:

1. Don't take responsibility for her happiness. It is not your job to make her happy. In fact, it is not possible for you to MAKE someone happy. You can please her temporarily, but that tide will shift at some point.

2. Don't always be providing solutions. What you are doing is being a typical guy and solving her problems for her. Your wife probably does not want you to do this. Her constant complaining is her way of trying to make some emotional connection with you. She isn't looking for you to solve her problems, she wants you to listen to her and comfort her. If you're trying to solve her problem, ie telling her to move, you're not really listening to what she's saying. She says she's not happy where she is, ask her why. Tell her that must be hard to feel like you don't support her. You know you are listening when you aren't thinking of something to say in reply. Don't be defensive. 

3. Don't put her over your own interests. In that I mean, it's easy in these situations to spend 100% of your time and energy on your wife. For some f'd up reason of life, this actually does the opposite. The nicer of a guy you become and the more you forsake yourself for her, the more bored she will get and the farther it will push her. Don't forget what initially attracted your wife to you, it wasn't pandering to her needs. Don't forget to stick up for yourself and make yourself a priority. Don't forsake your life for hers.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have to provide her some direction instead of letting her constantly decide what she wants to do or where she wants to live.

You do have to start by valuing what she does. Then you have to hold her accountable to being what it is you value. So for example, do you value her as a good mother, beatiful wife etc? Make sure she undertands that you do a value her. But, do not tolerate her then non valuing herself. Make her accountable to be a good mother and a beautiful wife.

Don't let her lead you around, which is what you are doing. Don't ask her what will make her happy and all of this... That's really bad.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I used to push my wife to the limit all the time

Until I realised that she has a far greater limit than I had thought, to the point I'll only make myself feel like sh-t doing it...

She's so strong and somehow a part of her doesn't even believe it


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Since I started this thread I feel like not opening another one but rather posting here.

You know, I used to be a major nice guy, very weak, always trying to please her, etc.

Now it's almost all gone. I am not being a doormat any more.

However, she still has this tendency to "fix" me. She read the surrendered wife - which in my opinion is a fantastic book! - and thinks that the author is just wrong  of course she does, because this book is against everything she does. She just believes that her job is to also always "be on my case" and tell me what to do or not.

Add to this some emotional issues - like whenever she is angry talking really not nice and personal attacks - and you will understand why I have a very hard time being intimate with her. I am not talking about the physical sense - that we do quite often, I am talking about me really letting go, being able to share my true feelings, etc.

Not sure what's the point of this post, maybe I just need to vent. BTW, I hate the replies of "just realize who she is and leave her if you don't like it". I don't stay in my marriage because I am forced to; I stay because I believe that people should do everything they can to make the marriage work, and because I am a huge believer in a family unit.

Whatever. Whatever.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

You might find it useful to look up the Basic Concepts and the Policy of Joint Agreement on the marriage builders website.

Literally, it's a guide to how to treat each other, and you can read about it together and sign off on it.

things like:
Selfish demands, being disrespectful, angry outburts, dishonesty, annoying habits, etc.

Gives you a plan to follow. 
Sounds goofy... I know. But putting it in front of both of you is like a peace treaty. This is HOW you will treat each other. 

And there is lots of learning that can be done (both of you) in how to treat each other WELL. Practicing being a better person isn't a bad thing, is it?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

joshbjoshb said:


> However, she still has this tendency to "fix" me. She read the surrendered wife - which in my opinion is a fantastic book! - and thinks that the author is just wrong  of course she does, because this book is against everything she does. She just believes that her job is to also always "be on my case" and tell me what to do or not.
> 
> Add to this some emotional issues - like whenever she is angry talking really not nice and personal attacks - and you will understand why I have a very hard time being intimate with her. I am not talking about the physical sense - that we do quite often, I am talking about me really letting go, being able to share my true feelings, etc.


This all too typical behavior often originates from a compromised or nonexistent father in one's family of origin. Sometimes compounded by acceptance of current feminist philosophy. If you make an effort to understand her background and are sympathetic to the problems she brings into your marriage, your sensitivity to her behavior will decrease


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> This all too typical behavior often originates from a compromised or nonexistent father in one's family of origin. Sometimes compounded by acceptance of current feminist philosophy. If you make an effort to understand her background and are sympathetic to the problems she brings into your marriage, your sensitivity to her behavior will decrease


Fine line between understanding and enabling.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> This all too typical behavior often originates from a compromised or nonexistent father in one's family of origin. Sometimes compounded by acceptance of current feminist philosophy. If you make an effort to understand her background and are sympathetic to the problems she brings into your marriage, your sensitivity to her behavior will decrease


Wow! That was brilliant! In fact her father was away from home all week. I have to tell you - to guess that based on one post only, is truly genius!


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