# Question from happily married, having an EA or crush



## anonymity (Jan 1, 2009)

This is nuts. I'm happily married. Very solid marriage, 25+ years. We talk about everything. Sex life is good. Three kids. Supportive of each other. Marriage is as satisfying - no, _MORE _satisfying - than it has ever been. Really, it is a good, very stable relationship, and a lot of fun. 

But I am just crazy about this other man. I don't know whether to call it an EA or just a crush. This other guy and I have worked together for 12+ years and have been very close friends. Until about 8 months ago when we started doing this flirting thing. We started talking a lot on the phone. Admitted to each other that we were attracted to each other. But both said we had no desire to take it to any other level. We even laughed at how awful it would be if we were actually single and we ever dated. I guess we both know it would be a doomed relationship. But I still found it to be very exciting. I started doing and feeling some pretty wierd stuff. Like getting excited when the phone rang, hoping it was him. Feelings you have like when you are "dating" someone. Looking forward to times that I knew I would see him. Then I started hearing about emotional affairs and I thought, you know - that's just what I am doing - 

One thing though, some of these articles say that in order for it to be an EA, you have to be getting or giving emotional support from/to another person that you should be getting/giving (from?to) your spouse. This doesn't fit. I get all of my emotional support from my husband, not this other person. This other thing has been more of a fantasy or wierd diversion than anything else ...

I wont, and actually cannot stop working with this guy. Can't go into the details, but it isn't possible, it would require a complete change of career. I do still want to be friends because we were good friends for a long long time and I do think we can remain so. But I have cut back on hanging around with him, because all I want to _do_ lately is see him - and that just seems wrong! He doesn't realize that I have cut back, things just changed at work that made it seem natural, but I have done certain things to minimize contact with him. But anyway, I'm feeling a little depressed since having cut contact back, feelings like you have when you have broken off a relationship. It's just so wierd. We never touched each other. Not even a little, no casual touching even like hug girlfriend would give each other, much less a kiss or anything like that. But I found myself really sexually attracted to him. Imagining what it would be like to be with him, etc. And I thought - oh brother, these thoughts aren't right! On one hand, I think it was kind of harmless as long as it does not escalate from here. There are a lot of people one person can be drawn to on this planet. Like I said, my sex life with my husband is good. But obviously that feeling you have when you are first falling in love, that "infatuation" stage has long since passed. So here I find myself "infatuated" with someone other than my husband!

I am aware that it has all been a naughty fantasy. But I have had fun ... and I'm not over it ... and not so sure that it is any different than fantasizing about a movie star or something. My husband is aware of our close friendship. Always has been. He sees that we flirt a little bit and has never been disturbed by it. He's very trusting. I don't think he is wrong to be trusting. He knows my moral convictions and knows I love and respect him. In a wierd way, being infatuated with this other guy has thrown my love for my husband into a new light - if this makes any sense - I have a much keener awareness of how much deeper our love is .. than what I could have with someone else. 

Do you think this is terribly wrong? I haven't done anything in secret. I have spent time with the person but not excessively and my husband knew. The phone calls were all out in the open. The calls have pretty much stopped now, they always did start out as work related and like I said, the work situation has now changed a bit. We never hugged or touched each other. Ok, I guess I am in denial here. I guess a few things were secret. The _intensity _of the flirting and the couple of times we shared that we actually _were _attracted to each other - those things WOULD have hurt my husband had he overheard. But had he seen and heard it all, he would have maybe been hurt but not _terribly_ so, since in the end, nothing happened. 

And I think I am doing the right thing now by just staying away more. 

What's funny is, I still have these feelings. I guess I will for a while. Just like when a relationship breaks up and you aren't happy about it, it takes some time to get over your broken heart, I guess it might be normal for me to feel some sadness, until time does it's thing. 

But I'm really wacko enamoured with this guy, still. 

I'm not sure what I expect you all to say. Just wondered if anyone else had ever been in this spot before. I think I just have to redirect my thoughts to other things, to speed up the dissolution of these feelings. Maybe it is unhealthy even talking about this here. To tell the truth, I think I signed up for this forum just to "confess" my feelings. It's like when you are a teenager and you "like" someone and want to tell somebody. Obviously, I can't tell anyone this. It's almost like I am getting off on it. Telling you. You know? Is that a sick thing to say? Oh, such delusions of romantic, forbidden, doomed love... mercy me...


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

It is good you brought this out on the forum. And I believe you are doing the right thing. The one thing you mentioned about the EA where you give support and comfort to the other person. And that you get that from your husband. But you looked at it the wrong way. You were giving something to someone that belonged only to your husband. And that was your continuing desire and emotional attachment. You attached yourself to this other man and allowed his roots to go into you. (emotionally speaking). Thank God you stopped before it got physical. I still think you should tell your husband. You owe it to him. Even if it didn't get physical. Maybe he is not giving you something you needed?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I would not tell my husband if I was in your shoes but I would open communication to find what is missing and double the effort to invest into the marriage. The more you do for a person the more attached you feel towards them and the more likely they will notice.

draconis


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## anonymity (Jan 1, 2009)

I tend to agree with draconis, that there may be no need to share this with my husband. As long as I am pulling back and putting a stop to it. Telling him may just cause unnecessary hurt. As I said, I am not able to stop working with this person. The last thing I need is for my husband to start being jealous every time we have to interact. And I do value the friendship and we truly were friends, for years. I think it would be possible to get it back to the way it was before, a very proper and platonic relationship.

Yeah, I really think that unless it doesn't immediately stop, that it would do more harm than good to tell my husband. We have both always been pretty trusting. We don't get jealous when the other person confesses that they find some other man or woman attractive. But were the situation reversed, and my husband told me, "you know ... I started having feelings for this person a while back, like I had a crush on her ... and I began to have a physical desire for her, but I felt it was wrong and so I cut it off and nothing physical ever happened..." I might (and probably would) believe him - but I don't see why I'd have to be put through that. Especially if the person continued to have to be around him at work and there was no way to change that without forcing my husband to quit his chosen career ... why bother with it? I know what is right (I think). 

Aty least, from my perspective - I'd understand why my husband would choose not to share such a thing with me. 

The funny thing is, I know you all don't know my marriage, but I really can't imagine how two people could be any more committed and more intimately connected than we two are. There simple is no gap between us for any other person to possibly be in. I really don't believe there _is _anything wrong with our relationship or anything "missing", and I am pretty sure that I am not just being naive in thinking that. So why did this hapen? Maybe it just means I am a "dog" like a lot of men say they are, haha ... plenty of guys have affairs just because they have crappy morals and then claim it meant nothing to them. So maybe I was just looking for a little excitement. A bad thing, but at least I did not act on it. At least I kept my head and clearly knew how wrong it would be. Sooo, maybe it wasn't too much more wrong than having some sort of silly crush on someone like, say, Mel Gibson. Know what I mean? On the other hand, this was no stranger ... it was a real flesh and blood person that I knew and could actually make opportunities to talk to and see .... he seemed to be doing the same thing ... and because of that, the danger signs were flashing like crazy! So I gotta stay away from him! I know it! Thanks for letting me drone on...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

anonymity-

May I bring a different perspective?

I think that your situation is not only common but normal. What is not normal is your honesty here.

The fact that this is happening could be for tow reasons:

1)Your marriage is good, very good, but it could be even better.

2)You see in this man qualities that you enjoy, that your husband simply does not have. Or he may have them, but they are not manifesting at the moment.

One way to assess the closeness of your marriage (in your own mind), would be to ask yourself how your husband would react if you gently sat him down and brought the subject up.

If your marriage is sound, it can withstand just about anything. If it can't withstand this information, then maybe it's not as good as it could be.

More later... I have to eat.


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## anonymity (Jan 1, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> anonymity-
> 
> May I bring a different perspective?
> 
> ...



I'll think about this, I really will. I believe that for now, keeping it to myself is the right thing. 

My thinking is that re: 
1)Your marriage is good, very good, but it could be even better.

It could also be worse, if you tell your partner unecessary things that would hurt them (see below)

Re:
2)You see in this man qualities that you enjoy, that your husband simply does not have. Or he may have them, but they are not manifesting at the moment.

So - what if I told my husband that this other man has interests in things close to my heart, interests that my husband has never had - and never will have? My husband can't feign interest in certain subjects just to be more like me, nor should he have to. These things are not important. We have plenty of common ground. People do not have to have the same personalities and all of the same interests to be compatable. I'm way more compatable with my husband, in all the ways that matter ...

Further, suppose I told my husband that this other man was physically better looking to me. Would that be something that would help us feel closer? Even possibly? I very much doubt it. My husband is a good looking man. But we aren't all supermodels ya know. Neither is the other guy, but you know what I mean. Anyway, my husband better not ever tell me that he thinks another woman is more beautiful than I am, though he may secretly think so. Because he loves me I expect that he sees my inner beauty and overlooks any flaws.  Hopefully he is not secretly pining for (insert supermodel name) .


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## anonymity (Jan 1, 2009)

Actually, I think posting here has helped me.

Because if it is true what I say, that my husband is a good man, supportive, attentive, etc and that nothing is wrong with our relationship, then _something is wrong with __me _... for having developed feelings for someone else.

I can read my own posts and clearly see that this attraction was based first on having a few laughs with someone who was initially a good friend, and then on physical appearance and a few shared passions. The guy has many attributes that, were I single, would make him a _terrible _choice of boyfriend or husband to a person like me. A disastrous choice, actually. This all smacks of low morals on my part. That, and maybe a little "married a long time" boredom. Ok, fine. I'm human. I let my moral guard down. Acting on it, would have been _extreme _low morals. Glad I did not go there, many people do. Probably a lot of people on this forum have and believe me I am not passing judgement. I'm just saying .... we are _all _human ... but we _do_ have choices we can make .... and I'm honoring a choice I made nearly 26 years ago. It's no sacrifice, really.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

anonymity-

There is nothing wrong with you. You are merely thinking aloud for our benefit. Don't judge yourself.



anonymity said:


> That, and maybe a little "married a long time" boredom.


So your marriage could indeed be made even better. Why not just take this as a wakeup call, and fall in love with your husband all over again. Marriages have to be kept fresh.



anonymity said:


> Ok, fine. I'm human.


It is necessary to be human in order to love.


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## hombre (Jul 7, 2009)

Hi anonymity,

If you're comfortable sharing I would be really interested to know how this has all panned out? My wife seems to have had an infatuation with a guy but decided to cease contact 2 months ago as she didn't want it to go further. 

I overheard my wife telling her sister about this guy and obviously I had to ask her what was going on and she came clean. We have decided that our marriage is worth saving and I'm absolutely prepared to forgive her. She doesn't really want to talk about the attachment to this guy and I don't want to push her but I would be very interested to know how it all turned out for you - you seem to have been in a similar situation to my wife,

Many thanks,


Hombre


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Telling your husband would be a stupid thing to do...

Developing a crush on a co-worker, especially at your age and in a long term marriage isn't uncommon. And in a way you are having an EA regardless of whether you're seeing emotional support of any kind. Don't get too far into the psycho-babble about things of this nature.

Cutting back on your contact with this person is a good idea, a great one would be to cut all contact with him before you end up in a situation that you will never recover from. And yes, it can and most likely will happen because there is always the part of us that wonders what it would be like to be with someone else.

Finid out what it is about this guy that appeals to you so greatly and then take some time out to just go be with your husband and reconnect...especially if things are a little stale.

Preacher


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

From my perspective, I think you should reconsider your secretive strategy.

I also think you ought to reconsider your career. 

Your marriage is hanging by a thread despite you telling us how awesome it is.

If you value your marriage more than your self destructive flirtation, then you would remove yourself from this temptation by looking for a new job.

If your marriage is so perfect then it will survive you telling your husband of your bad choices. Maybe this course of action has not resulted in sexual intercourse. But for sure you have behaved inappropriately in a way that you know will upset your husband.

But you know what? He deserves to know the true state of his marriage to you.

He might even get to protect you from yourself.

He might get angry and hurt. But so what!! 

Do you have to wait until your self control disappears and you finally complete this affair you are definitely zooming in on?

You need to get away from this man you are infatuated with.

So it changes your career. So what.

Your marriage is on the line.


Another thought:

How would you like it if there were a pretty woman at your husband's work who had the hots for him and he was attracted to? That the only thing keeping him from cheating was a resolve that is weak? That he was seeing her every day and talking on the phone too.

Not much, I suspect.


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## Henry in Edinburgh (Jun 11, 2009)

I'm having sort of the same issue (have posted it elsewhere in this thread). All the advice I have received - from here and elsewhere - is to stop all contact with this person. Hard to do when they're a colleague (as mine is; she sits right next to me), and in my case it has brought on a worrying level of depression.

If you Google "emotional affair" you'll stumble across a number of sites offering advice. Most of the better ones pose some questions to ask yourself. These were the ones that seemed most pertinent to me (paraphrases):

1) Do you think about this person more often than you do your spouse?
2) Do you fantasize about them? Would you sleep with them?
3) When something interesting happens to you, do you think first about telling this person or telling your spouse?
4) Are there aspects of your behaviour in the company of this person that you have deliberately kept secret from your spouse?
5) Is your spouse aware of the time you spend in contact with this person?

My responses to the above are mixed. But the upshot is that my marriage was not as healthy as I assumed it was. What makes me hopeful is that my answer to number five was "absolutely" - and that my wife wants X and I to remain good friends. I'm still not sure whether I'm in an emotional affair or not; certainly the level my affection for X is unrequited.

Hope this helps.


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## JAE (Jul 17, 2009)

Keep in mind your actions will forever change your relationship and how your husband looks at you. If you can't tell your husband every detail of the relationship you have with a coworker then something is wrong with the relationship. My wife just told me about an emotional affair and a kiss, I feel dead inside. I'm not sure how things are going to end up, but I probably won't feel the way I once did. If you want to truly hurt your husband and make him feel empty, continue to talk and see your coworker. No matter what you think your husband is not okay with you talking or having a relationship with another guy for this reason.


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## velasquez (Dec 1, 2009)

Wow, I could have written this very thread! Eerily similar situation for me, and about the same time frame as the other poster also. Apparently they never came back to update, I can tell you what happened in my case. 

We pretty much cut off contact. We said we would remain friends and I hope we have, but we haven't spoken on the phone for anything other than business, and it's usually once every 3 months now. We don't work as closely together due to a change at the company not due to a move on my part. I did not switch jobs or change my career, like the other poster I was unable to do so. One person advised "change careers no matter what, your marriage is at stake!". I dissagree with that, it would have been crazy to switch jobs in my case. I have years of expensive college training for what I do and earn ok money. Switching careers would have meant starting over with nothing, like an 18 year old again. That wasn't an option, sorry. My marriage was not nearly "at stake" or "in peril", if it was hey maybe_ then_ I'd have considered taking a minimum wage job, lol. Anyway, I relate to what some other people posted about EAs being difficult to let go of. I am aware that the feelings I had for this person were beyond what was normal in our situation, even though nothing physical occurred - it was more than friendly, it was romantic. And I am married. So it was improper. I still miss my 'friend' very much, but I have a lot of other "friends" for whom I have normal, proper feelings for. So I'll be ok. My best friend is, and has always been, my spouse. I thank heaven for that every day. The end. (And the end


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## heartysoul (May 21, 2009)

It sounds like innocent flirtation with a touch of fantasy. After 25 years, I'd be surprised if your husband hasn't had a flirtatious friend. It's fun to get attention from others. Lets be real, we're all human. If it hasn't distracted you from your family and husband than don't get your morale morals all impacted. It sounds like you've backed off and that's exactly what you should do. Flirting is fun and being married doesn't mean you're "dead" to the opposite sex. It just means hands off and if the flirtation gets disrespectful of your spouse you MUST stop. If you haven't done anything that would drive him away if he found out, you shouldn't worry about it. Just keep in mind, I'm sure he gets attention like your friend and think about how you would feel.


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

One important thing I learned from my therapist is that affairs can happen due to a lack of excitement in the relationship. Everything else - closeness, sex, warmth, etc. - can be there, but if the excitement is gone partners seek it elsewhere.

Can you start a new hobby with your husband, something you both enjoy that's just for the two of you? Even if it's just walking around a local park, a cooking class, or taking weekends away, it might bring that sense of excitement back. My partner and I started learning to swing dance and seeing how excited he gets to learn a new step made me see him a whole different way. 

Even if your routine is solid and positive, it's still a routine and can make the relationship too platonic, where you are life partners but not romantic partners. That's definitely what happened to me, you are just VERY lucky to have caught it early.

I wouldn't write off couples counseling if this conflict continues.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

A woman in a marriage to a good man is considering having sex with a "bad boy". 

My, my, how original.

First, this is nothing more than a vanilla emotional affair, you are just ignoring that sexual attraction is EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION. This you should be sharing with your husband you instead are thrilled to share with someone who you admit is a terrible choice.

Second, this is NOT rocket science. A woman is incredibly attracted to a dominant male, especially a dominant male that she views as a "challenge". Your working relationship with this male has opened the communication and dialogue to allow this emotional bond to develop.

The real question is, why are you not feeling that your husband is dominant? Why are you viewing him as weak and seeking self worth with another man, a man that appears to be beneath your husband according to your own words?

Instead of wasting time pursuing this fling, why not invest a small amount of energy to reigniting the flame with your husband.

If you don't think this is possible, then you have forgotten what attracted you to him in the first place. Why has he changed? What needs to happen to allow you to feel that he is that dominant man again? Why is he not fulfilling your needs as a woman to be dominated by a man?

I wish you the best.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Yes, excitement, fun, the courtship phase, that's what you miss. Something to do to get out of routine. 

Your marriage is safe..the other person is novelty, you don't know all the answers to all the questions. Funny thing is, you don't know all the answers to all the questions when it comes to your husband either. But you like to believe that. You act in a way and he reacts in the same way...tadaaa...boredom, routine. See how you are with your husband...(your behaviour and attitude), and see how you are with the other man (more flirty? more enthusiastic? perhaps more playful?). Use that attitude on YOUR HUSBAND. He will most likely notice the change...and join in. He might even surprise you with some behaviour that you didn't expect. Suddenly he's not so familiar and safe anymore...tadaaa


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## velasquez (Dec 1, 2009)

Interesting replies to this thread. Funny, I got the impression that the OP had put the brakes on whatever was going on. Personally I think they did the right thing, stopping it before it went to any other level. 

Someone said something about stopping "investing energy towards this fling" and said something else like my how original, a woman in a good marriage is "considering having sex with a bad bay". It sounded to me like the OP wasn't heading that way at all and in fact had sensibly gone a different direction. But maybe some of the recent posters didn't read through the whole thread. 

At any rate, to the person who said something about excitement being missing, I believe this is a common "excuse" for affairs in marriages that should seeminglingly be solid, whether they be physical or emotional. I'm talking about marriages in which there are no glaring problems such as abuse or addiction issues, etc. 

The problem is that people expect that initial infatuation feeling to last, and it simply cannot last. You can replace it with other feelings which are different but just as deep and meaningful and just as exciting in their own way. I think people lose sight of that, or else they have unrealistic expectations, or they just plain don't have the moral integrity to continue to invest energy in their current relationship. They think the grass is greener somewhere else. It's sad, but it happens.


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## holm (Mar 12, 2010)

I wish this thread was still being watched by anonymity. I think my wife has almost the EXACT same relationship with someone she used to work with. We have spent the past week talking about it ("talking" doesn't begin to describe how uncomfortable, painful, wonderful, crushing, hopeful, frustrating it has been). At first I just asked her to consider my feelings. The next day I asked her to cut back. Finally I just told her that I needed her to stop and she had to choose between me or him. After a few hours of uncomfortablness (understatement) she said she chooses me. We're going to go to councelling. 

*What I really want to know from anonymity is if she was ever able to get over it. * I'm ok if she can't as long as she knows she can't have any personal relationship with him AND me. Hell a ex crush of mine from 12 yrs ago (think 17 yr old high school hormones) recently "friended" me on facebook and I couln't believe the feelings that just "popped up." I can't help those feelings and my wife can't help the way she feels. I'm not going to talk to this ex crush, and actually now that I'm writing about it, I'm going to figure out a way so I don't see her on my FB page at all. It's about our actions, not our thoughts.

Thanks to everyone who posts on this forum. You all help (even the crazy ones!).


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