# Do not know if this belongs here but...



## Mira (Jan 12, 2008)

Hello everyone!
This is my first thread and english is not my first language, so please don't mind my mistakes..
Well, I am in a place where I just dont know what to do. My husband and I are together for 5 years now, married for almost 2 and live a good life. Well..
Things started to get different even before we got married. I hoped it would change but.. In a way, everything in our lives was ok except our sex life. He completely lost interest in me as a woman. It started slowly but now he barely touches me. I didn't get fat, lose my hair or anything... I just don't understand.
I have always known he downloads porn, but earlier it was from time to time, now it is on everyday basis and it is hurting me so much. I have tried and talked to him about it, saying I'm worried it is affecting our relationship, that it is hurting me and the only answer I get is that it is the thing every man does and it is nothing. He told me that the reason we are not having sex is that he is just not into it that much (altought I know he masturbates often), that he wold like me to be more feminine (so I tried waring short skirts, high heals and sexy lingerie but there was no reaction), I tried to be the one with the initiative but he is too tired or haves a headache.... 
So today I find myself as a paranoid woman, who goes trough his computer trying to find some evidence or something...just a hint...so I should know what to do. I can't help thinking he is cheating on me, in any way, internet or in the real life, but he erases his traces, surfs when I'm asleep, and whenever I come up whit this he tells me that I'm paranoid, he loves me, it's just a faze and it will be better soon.........
Please, give me some advice.
I love him very much, I don't want this to end but I don't know what to do.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Mira

First off porn is not something “all men do” and if it is hurting you and your marriage he needs to stop. It can and does hurt marriages. It can make partners feel inadequate, undesired and unloved. If your husband says it is just a phase then try and get him to tell you what it is that is driving him from your marital bed. It is possible that it is just the porn but is certainly could be something else. An affair, cyber, emotional or real. A desire to try something new sexually. What it is, is impossible to tell from the forum’s perspective. Try and get him to communicate with you. Let him know how the porn makes you feel. How it hurts you and you want him to communicate to you what he is wanting, lacking, needing…. Whatever. Tell him the same. Your needs and wants. Only communication will begin to unlock this door. Take care and bless.


----------



## Liza (Jan 2, 2008)

Yo haven't said anything regarding how you guys get along normally. Does he disagree with the way you do things, does he think you are stubborn and stuff like that. I think some men also get turned off by women who are independent. I just hope things turn around for you soon.


----------



## bandit0000 (Feb 20, 2008)

Hi,
I am sorry but this is almost exactly the same scenario as my partner & me. Unfornunately I just found out he spent 3 nights with another woman.
He told me exactly the same things, he was'nt that interested in sex & the more I tried the more he seemed put off. He erases all history off the computer, looks at porn & masturbates often, yet he is't interested in sex? Also he is always telling me I am paranoid. This I believe is a classic trait of a cheat, to turn it around & make you believe its you not him.
Now I am not saying he has done anything, I really hope he has 'nt, but to me it sounds like he is looking.
Be bolder than me, tell him the porn has to stop (at least until he is having a proper sex life with you) & to come to bed when you go to bed, no surfing.
My partner told me he had partly done what he did because I was snooping & he felt he had no privacy & my response was, if you have nothing to hide then I wouldn't find anything out with snooping.
Good luck to you, I think you really need to talk & tell him how unhappy you are with the situation & make some threats & carry them through if he continues.
I did not carry my threats through & I believe he saw this as a signal to walk all over me.
All the best.


----------



## Mira (Jan 12, 2008)

Thank you all for replying.

Amplexor,
I think the same as you, but the problem is that most of our male friends do see pornography as a part of everyday life, they talk about it, share clips and videos and such... Our very good friend, infact, is a porn collector and found acceptance for what he does...In that kind of surrounding, I find it difficult to be objective.

I talk to my husband all the time, I do so much I am tired of talking. Whenever I ask him anything about our problem, he says that I'm imagining, that I think life is a fairytale etc. He says he is attracted to me, that he thinks of me all the time, but still does nothing. And when I come out with my needs he says that I am too needy. That would all be ok if I was a housewife, if we spent time together as married couples do. We both work much, I have a second part time job and often work late. 

Liza,
I hope my independanse is not the issue, for he was the one backing me up and helping me to get where I am now. We get along well in other parts of our life. Sometimes I do feel a bit left out, but that is due to that almost all of my friend live abroad.

and bandit0000,
I am so sorry you are experiencing that. Hopefully things will work out the best for you and thank you for sharing that with me. 
I was not snoopy, and I knew he downloads porn, until I found browsing history he forgot to erase. Than I found he is registered on a porn site, he haves an e-mail I didn't know about and such. When I asked about it he said it is nothing and the day after gave me the password. The e-mail account was almost empty, with few registration e-mails for dusting my eyes...

I will try to talk to him again, and will go see a therapist for help.
Thank you all for your support.


----------



## bandit0000 (Feb 20, 2008)

Well I am pleased he gave you his password, that in my eyes is a good sign.
Good luck,
Lisa


----------

