# Seperation



## Splashpaddad (Jul 19, 2015)

I'm in month one of our seperation, I'm fight two battles. My marrige and clinical depression. I have brought us to counseling, I have made huge changes in myself and for my marriage. I cook, clean, I'm the best father I can be for my three beautiful children. Now I'm On A Single Income and Trying To find Childcare. We see mom once a week and I feel like I'm drowning and she is watching me. She asked for my patience and I will gladly give as much as I can. But the uncertainty when she doesn't call to say goodnight to the kids, the physical love I need, (holding hands, cold side of the bed, hearing her singing) makes my mind fester in terrible ways. I'm doing my best, giving her my patience. But I can only take so much.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Sorry your here. 

What's the rest of the story...why is asking you for patience?

Did she leave the home?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Splashpaddad (Jul 19, 2015)

Thank you for your repy, yes, she left. She needed to find her happiness. She has had severe depression her whole life and hasn't found peace yet. When we started to go to counseling we let it out of the bag and lot of martial stuff cane with it. I wasn't the best husband, but I've accepted change and I've put all of myself into saving my marriage. I just didn't know that I would of had to be a "single father". I know I can do it. I a dad, and I will be the best damn father that I can be for all of my babies. I just wish that I could share the stress.


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## Splashpaddad (Jul 19, 2015)

She asked for my patience because she said that this was temporary.


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## 15_Days_at_a_time (Jul 19, 2015)

So you are both fighting depression but she left you to raise 3 kids alone while she finds her peace?

Fiance and I both battle it. At times it brings us together. At times it rips us apart. 

Coming from someone who fights it (and am also a Mom) there are days my children are what kept breath in me and my heart beating. I have little to no remorse for parents that walk away and blame depression. Why? Because when I look at my kids I know I have to keep going, keep trying, and keep fighting. I will never stop fighting for nothing more than them and them having a stable home. I suffer enough, I won't let them suffer also.

It would seem her medication is not working or is not strong enough. Meds often have to be changed, raised, etc. I would also think if it is severe enough to leave the family unit she would need in patient care. Not the open road. Depression needs stability, predictability, and treatment. No amount of freedom will fix the chemicals in your body nor provide the therapy needed to learn coping skills.

I'm really sorry. Get healthy and stay that way for them. Try for them. Then try again for them. They will remember her being gone but will also remember your love and strength to hold them together. Focus on YOU...focus on THEM. You cannot fix her, yourself, and raise them all at once. It is possible you will continue to raise them so you need to be in the best place possible.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She'll come back after her affair winds down. Don't worry.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Now's when you need to reach out for help from family, friends, a church, county agencies...You're going to need some time off now and then or you'll go crazy. Do you have friends you can hang out with?


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## Splashpaddad (Jul 19, 2015)

Thank you, I'm sorry if my first post was misleading. Only my wife suffers from depression. I'm trying to cope with the amount of space she requires, I am a very phisical person. Not just sexually, but I want her to a least to let me know she is still here. Fighting for our marrige. I understand that she is taking this time to become heathly but sometimes it seems she is trying to push to the point to where I cut the last thread. It's very difficult to keep positive when I now get almost nothing in return. I have to pick up everything and function. Luckily my workplace is very understanding and gives me leeway with my hours. I am rooting for my my spouse, I hope she finds her happiness. I just hope it's with me still.


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## 15_Days_at_a_time (Jul 19, 2015)

Splashpaddad said:


> Thank you, I'm sorry if my first post was misleading. Only my wife suffers from depression. I'm trying to cope with the amount of space she requires, I am a very phisical person. Not just sexually, but I want her to a least to let me know she is still here. Fighting for our marrige. I understand that she is taking this time to become heathly but sometimes it seems she is trying to push to the point to where I cut the last thread. It's very difficult to keep positive when I now get almost nothing in return. I have to pick up everything and function. Luckily my workplace is very understanding and gives me leeway with my hours. I am rooting for my my spouse, I hope she finds her happiness. I just hope it's with me still.


But overcoming depression is not a one man show. And heck yes cheer her own. However it very much disturbs me she needed to leave family to do so. Unless she was at risk to harm herself or the children then the family is where she is going to find the most healing, most help, and most strength. Again I still stand by my statement that my kids are how I survived the darkest of nights. I don't understand her methods but she may know better than me.

Keep offering support when you can....but focus on you and the children while she is off fighting her demons. You need to protect them as much as possible right now.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Reread post number 6.

Twenty times.

Have you looked at your cell phone bill?


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## Splashpaddad (Jul 19, 2015)

She was self harming, I made her appointment myself, but she missed it due to work. My children needed her alive. I trust me wife, she left on great terms. We are both leaving what we learned in couseling in tact. I am now living in her letters and every once in awhile she leaves me a piece of her, an Easter egg she leaves me to find, which draws me back in, let's me know she is still there and in this. I forget sometimes that she is suffering, and I may ask to much from her. But who wouldn't when that person is hurt. Thank you guys so much for talking to me, I'm 800 miles from family. Being out of counseling was an abrupt stop from working on my marrige.....


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## 15_Days_at_a_time (Jul 19, 2015)

Yes. Self harming is on the extreme scale of depression and does not need to be around the kids. 

Is it possible for her to quit working. Or go on FMLA? If so I'd encourage her to check into an inpatient clinic. 

She needs combined help with counseling and medication. Behavioral therapy etc. All of which can give her pieces of the puzzle to help. 

Who watched the children before or did she only recently get a job? Is she staying with someone or on her own?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

So is the self harming the reason why you have the kids all the time and she doesn't?


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## Splashpaddad (Jul 19, 2015)

Yeah she just got this job recently, she won't quit. The house was making her feel traped. She moved about 40 min away, it's just her in the apartment. She says she has to get use to her schedule then she will go. In the meantime she does yoga in the mornings. But going back to the space thing, she didnt call last night to say goodnight to the kids. I had to text her at 10pm to see if everything was alright. All I got was, "I'm de stressing". I just don't want her to feel like she has to hide anything from me. It makes my thoughts terrible places and I get mad for no reason. Making up senerios in my head.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Don't try to be a "perfect father". Just make sure the kids are fed, bathed, and get to sleep and school on time. After they go to sleep, if nothing else, lift a couple of milk jugs for weight training. Make a routine for yourself to help stay focused, whether that is exercise or just listening to some good music. 

Your wife may, or may not, be having an affair. You cannot control her actions, only yourself.

Document day to day activities, so that if a affair does come to light, you can show abandonment by your wife.

Think about what you need to do for yourself to be a stronger person mentally & physically. Then do it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Affairs cause lots of stress.


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## Splashpaddad (Jul 19, 2015)

We are both the type of people who just can't do that to one another. We have a long history, since 6th grade we have been togther, been best friends. We talked about it in couseling, if she was going outside of our marrige. From the outside looking in, yeah that's exactly what it looks like. ****, feels like sometimes. But I trust my wife, with everything I have.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Splashpaddad said:


> We are both the type of people who just can't do that to one another. We have a long history, since 6th grade we have been togther, been best friends. We talked about it in couseling, if she was going outside of our marrige. From the outside looking in, yeah that's exactly what it looks like. ****, feels like sometimes. But I trust my wife, with everything I have.


Do you have access to her cell phone records?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Splashpaddad said:


> We are both the type of people who just can't do that to one another. We have a long history, since 6th grade we have been togther, been best friends. We talked about it in couseling, if she was going outside of our marrige. From the outside looking in, yeah that's exactly what it looks like. ****, feels like sometimes. But I trust my wife, with everything I have.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Splashpaddad said:


> We are both the type of people who just can't do that to one another. We have a long history, since 6th grade we have been togther, been best friends. We talked about it in couseling, if she was going outside of our marrige. From the outside looking in, yeah that's exactly what it looks like. ****, feels like sometimes. But I trust my wife, with everything I have.


We all trusted our spouses. Implicitly. Guess what?


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## Splashpaddad (Jul 19, 2015)

Ha! I won't be oblivious to it, I know that the chance still exists. There's one thing I won't do and that's invade her privacy. She left to get better, she didnt leave me.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Where are you from? 

How long have you and your wife been married? 

How old are the two of you? 

What are the ages of your kids? 

What kind of families did you come from? 

Is there a history of mental illness, divorce or marital strife in either of your families?


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## Splashpaddad (Jul 19, 2015)

Okc, married 8 years, twins 5 years and 8 year old. We are both 27, Both of our parents divorced mental illness on her side of the family.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Wow. You were both so damn young when you married. Let me guess, you were HS sweethearts....


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## Splashpaddad (Jul 19, 2015)

Since 6th grade.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

So neither you nor her have ever dated or slept with others?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Splashpaddad said:


> We are both the type of people who just can't do that to one another. We have a long history, *since 6th grade we have been togther, been best friends. *We talked about it in couseling, if she was going outside of our marrige. From the outside looking in, yeah that's exactly what it looks like. ****, feels like sometimes. But I trust my wife, with everything I have.


knew my x from the 5th grade. Knew her, dated her, married her and she cheated. I'm not saying for sure she is but I think you would be foolish not to check now for the possibility of it.


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## 15_Days_at_a_time (Jul 19, 2015)

Splashpaddad said:


> Yeah she just got this job recently, she won't quit. The house was making her feel traped. She moved about 40 min away, it's just her in the apartment. She says she has to get use to her schedule then she will go. In the meantime she does yoga in the mornings. But going back to the space thing, she didnt call last night to say goodnight to the kids. I had to text her at 10pm to see if everything was alright. All I got was, "I'm de stressing". I just don't want her to feel like she has to hide anything from me. It makes my thoughts terrible places and I get mad for no reason. Making up senerios in my head.


We don't hide depression from people. It is more so that we become tired of hurting the ones around us. When we are given everything and every reason to be happy but still are not we are left feeling guilty and ashamed. The body is trying to live while the mind is trying to die. We attack ourselves, wage war on ourselves, tear out selves apart, and cry in agony wishing to feel something more than pain or sadness. The pain comes within depths inside that I don't think will ever be understood. You care but only for others and none for yourself. Every day you get up and fight a battle and every night you beg for sleep for relief. It is consuming being unable to find or feel happiness, joy, and most of all love. You are trapped between not wanting to live and not wanting to die. Eventually you shut down and go numb to shut ALL feelings off. This is when most start cutting. To try to either feel something or to try to release the pent up emotions if they are even still feeling at this point. You turn into yourself and want the world to go away. Every single tiny tasks takes energy that is exhausting....showers, eating, getting out of the bed, even so much as saying a sentence to someone. I get to the point I don't want to talk, I don't want to move, I don't want to feel, or breath because I am so exhausted I just can't. The fact she is working is a bit of a good sign. It means she is still functioning some.


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## Splashpaddad (Jul 19, 2015)

And that is how I need to look at, I've seen her struggle with just getting out of bed. I don't want that for her. Thank you for making depression tangible. Just because you cannot see a wound, doesn't mean it's not there.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> So neither you nor her have ever dated or slept with others?


I don't think we can make that assumption about her.


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## Splashpaddad (Jul 19, 2015)

No, we both have. We stopped dating in high school for a bit, and that's where my son came from.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Splashpaddad said:


> No, we both have. We stopped dating in high school for a bit, and that's where my son came from.


Could you clarify that please?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Splashpaddad (Jul 19, 2015)

We took a year for ourselves, dated other people. Then senior year she had a son, the father wanted nothing to do with that. We got back together and I became a father. Soon after graduation we moved to my first duty station in montana. Which was hard on her because of my schedule, and I was a terrible husband. We both dislike our home town and will not be going back. So the distance from family was hard but not unbearable.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I frequently read the posts of those who have had cheating spouses. One phrase I often read is "trust but verify." 

The one year you two were not together, she had sex with another man and had his child. I don't want to come across the wrong way, which can happen out here in cyberspace, but sounds to me like you are a rescuer.

The OM walked away from his responsibilities, so you stepped up to be the child's father. I find that admirable. But I hope you can see that what you are telling us makes it sound like there is a possibility you wife is having an affair.

I mean, you call her at 10 p.m. because she didn't call to say good night to her kids. Instead, she was "de-stressing." The first thing that popped into my mind was, "With who?"

Again, trust but verify.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Splashpaddad said:


> Yeah she just got this job recently, she won't quit. The house was making her feel traped. She moved about 40 min away, it's just her in the apartment. She says she has to get use to her schedule then she will go. In the meantime she does yoga in the mornings.


I had to consider this for awhile. You say your wife is extremely depressed to the point that she oftentimes couldn't get out of bed.

She has a job. She has an apartment. She does yoga in the morning. Apparently she has the motivation to get things done.

From what you are saying, it sounds like she was "depressed" being a wife and mom. And it sounds like she is quite functional on her own. JMO.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

@Splashpaddad
Did you adopt the child she had with another man? 

Is this guy paying child support? If he isn't...why not?

Who is paying for her apartment?

Who is paying for her separate residence? 

Can you afford a housekeeper or nanny? Have you looked into the cost of this? I would bet its cheaper than having a whole other residence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Splashpaddad (Jul 19, 2015)

I did adopt, no contact with the father. Im am looking into if one of my friends wives can watch them during my hours. She came over yesterday and had a great conversation, she put my rioting mind to ease. She is helping with daycare expenses as much as she can. See the amount of space she needs, makes my mind wander. But I trying to remember that even when she was home, she just needed 5o lay in bed, she couldn't physically do anything. But now that she is gone and I'm not getting what I need I take those situations wrong. I'm trying really hard to keep that in mind.


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## Splashpaddad (Jul 19, 2015)

And she is paying for her residents, food, utilities etc.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Bring her flowers at her place tomorrow night at ten pm. Don't knock if there are two cars.

Flip a coin on the affair thing, given that she has a diagnosis.


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