# He won't pull his weight in the mornings



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I have two children from a previous relationship and me and my OH have two very young children, one of which is a baby. We all live together.

My OH is a laid back kinda guy but unfortunately much as I love this about him a lot of the time, it does become a problem sometimes.

He is hell to handle the mornings he isn't at work. He enjoys his lie-ins as on work days he has an early start. The thing is, he has started to act as though he has an entitlement to lay in every day he isn't at work.

We had an agreement whereby he would get the Saturday lie in and I would get up with the kids, then Sunday I would get the lie in and he would get up with the kids. What has started to happen is he gets his Saturday lie in, then come Sunday, I have to rouse him when the kids are awake, and he inevitably will either roll over and go back to sleep, tell me to get up with the kids and he'll come down in a minute (it is NEVER a minute, it ends up being a couple of hours despite me checking in on him), or try and barter a deal with me whereby he gets to lie in again.

We're in the festive holidays now where he's off work for a couple of weeks, and nearly every morning I've had to get up with the kids, despite me trying to persuade him. This morning was the second time I've not had to get up with the kids whilst he stays in bed, and that was only because I had a raging headache and felt rough. When I did get out of bed about 11am because the baby needed feeding, he disappeared back into bed!

He has no sympathy for me being up in the night for night feeds- it doesn't seem to occur to him I might be tired, it's like because he doesn't 'see' it, he doesn't think about it unless I point it out.

I went crazy at him last weekend, I got really angry on the Sunday morning, and I don't often 'do' angry. I said he was taking the p*ss, taking advantage of me and not pulling his weight. He was quick to backtrack and jump out of bed and get up, but since has been doing exactly the same as usual.

He feels resentful of getting up with my children because they're mine and he says they're my responsibility. He says this sometimes seriously and sometimes with humour so I can never tell if he's serious or not. He then says if I'm awake with the baby in the morning after I've done the feed then I'm awake anyway to get up.

I'm fairly insistent on trying to wake him when it's his turn but he's so cutting and harsh when he's woken up that it's not nice to be spoken to like that, and tbh I feel like his mother having to wake him up! He would never entertain us both getting up together, for some reason that's a ridiculous thought to him!

How can I deal with this because it seems like such a silly thing but I do feel like he takes advantage and I am starting to dread weekends and holidays because I get so angry when he won't take his turn! He's always apologetic and completely open to saying he knows what he is like but it doesn't help, like if he openly admits he knows he acts like this and it's annoying, then it's somehow ok for him to carry on like it?


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Have you thought about maybe instead of swapping mornings (especially if you already are up because of the baby) that you get up in the mornings, but get a nap after lunch, when he is up and can take control of the kids?

You'd still get more sleep, but can make the compromise that both of you can live with? (I know 'why should you have to compromise', because if you don't you'll just keep fighting)


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

It's certainly a thought. The only problem I would anticipate with that idea, is that on the days he is off, he likes to get out of the house. So he'll get up mid/late morning, have breakfast and dress, then want us to be going out a little later. I'd say I'd stay at home and have a nap but he likes me to go out with him and I know he'd be hesitant about handling four kids at once, I don't think he's had to do that yet

I remember when our first baby was younger, I used to get fed up when he did the same thing, and a handful of times I came upstairs and lay the baby next to him and left him to it. He went MAD at me for that, yet he thinks nothing of bringing him down from his cot when he wakes to me then going straight back to bed, and I'm supposed to be ok with that? Hmm!


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Try giving him a choice - just like your toddlers - either you can swap lie in days or you get a nap on the days he is home. He gets to pick which is more acceptable to him. If you lay down after lunch for a couple of hours, you could all still go to the park, or wherever, after you get up. I'm figuring you don't plan on sleeping for 5 or 6 hours.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Interesting to use that sort of one-option-or-the-other logic on a grown up LOL but it could work!

I'm speaking of course after having gotten up AGAIN with the kids as he had a night out last night... The littlest two are still asleep so can't complain too much. No doubt he will get woken up by them in turn and bring them down then disappear back to bed... I shall speak to him later.


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