# Am I obsessing too much?



## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

I feel like I have to know EVERYTHING. Names, dates, times, locations, how did this happen, what were you thinking at this time, what was he like as a person, did you have feelings for this guy, did you love that guy, what was the foreplay like, what was his penis like, did he kiss better than me, did he do anything better than me, etc....

I've spent a lot of time going down thru my gmail account because that's how we communicated a lot. Just looking for things, dates and whatnot, wondering about every last little detail. 

I've confronted a few of these guys. Some of them I don't even know, and I have no issue with them and told them so but I just wanted to know if they did. They've mostly been cool. Some of them I actually know tho and I've told them they suck. But I google search these people, find them on facebook, etc...just to know who they are. I'm not going to hurt anyone or anything like...I just wanna know. Everything.

Am I going nuts?


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Are you saying she has had affairs with numerous men? Why in the world are you with her? Get tested for STD's and see an attorney to understand your options. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speaks volumes of what she thinks of you and your marriage. Enough is enough.


----------



## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

Dude. Reading your other threads I can't really understand why you are still with this woman. She doesn't sound like the type that is capable of monogamy. If that is what you want, maybe it is time to look elsewhere.


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Yes you are going nuts, but when you get hit like this with infidelity, everyone who goes through it goes a little nuts. I did, so what...

You say multiple guys... You have a serial cheater on your hands. If you can get away from her ASAP.


----------



## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Yeah everyone says i should get away from her...I just don't want to. Is that so terribly wrong? I'm not perfect either. And her actions in that area suck, but her actions in other areas prove she loves me. Besides...I'm far from a great husband. I'm fat, unnattractive, nerdy, possibly have aspergers, I have no money and no job skills. Why the hell is she with me? 

For the record, if anyone's curious...it's a total of 9 guys she's had sex with, 2 more guys she's made out with, and 1 girl involved in a threesome (with one of the 9). Also one of the 9 was a total of 3 encounters.

Of course, it's POSSIBLE there's more. ALways possible, because until they develop mind reading technology, the only person who will know is her. 

But beyond that...I just want to know if I'm being totally out of line here with my obsessions and quest for knowledge. It's sort of a proprietary thing with me...when I put that ring on her finger, it gave me the right to know everything she does with her vagina and who she's doing it with.


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

So start fixing yourself!


----------



## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

Unless you are down with an open relationship, this woman is going to destroy you. She is not capable of being monogamous. I say, follow KanDo's advice. Hit the gym, find some things you like about yourself, start a new hobby, get IC. You need to find ways to respect and love yourself and then go find someone who deserves you.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If you are having sex with her then it will be a matter of time before you get an STD. You have my sympathy.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Okay, I've read a majority of your threads. AT LEAST 5 guys and cleavage shots to a new one last summer? Yes, you are going crazy.

I knew a guy who did everything for his wife. She cheated on him, left him for drugs, and he ended up with custody. He worked two job and various odd jobs to support his son. He left his wife, but gave her money and support always trying to win her back. She ended up with cancer and he moved her back in. 

I moved out of state and came back for a visit. I found out he had a stroke on my flight back to a funereal for my grandfather. I flew in, went to my parents house and decided to go see him the next day. When I arrived at the hospital, I was too late. He died a few hours before I arrived. Yes, I know he was in a coma. Yes, I know my father's loss was more important, but I still regret not going the day before.

We met doing martial arts and he was healthy and fit until the discovery of the affair. He was extremely worried and stressed most of the time I knew him. His doctor even told him his stress was going to hurt him. The last time we talked, he had just received a promotion that would end the multiple jobs. Of course, to my chagrin, it was good for him and his "wife." He felt he had to save his wife and now, his son is missing two parents. Yes, I believe 100% that his stressful life led to the stroke. 

Can Severe Stress Cause Stroke?

Get your priorities straight, stop stressing over what you can no longer control and get you life together.


----------



## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> Yeah everyone says i should get away from her...I just don't want to. Is that so terribly wrong? I'm not perfect either. And her actions in that area suck, but her actions in other areas prove she loves me. Besides...I'm far from a great husband. I'm fat, unnattractive, nerdy, possibly have aspergers, I have no money and no job skills. Why the hell is she with me?
> 
> For the record, if anyone's curious...it's a total of 9 guys she's had sex with, 2 more guys she's made out with, and 1 girl involved in a threesome (with one of the 9). Also one of the 9 was a total of 3 encounters.
> 
> ...


Did this all happen at one specific time in your M (e.g. within a two month period), or is she a serial cheater (off and on cheating throughout your M) ?


----------



## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

Jadiel said:


> I feel like I have to know EVERYTHING. Names, dates, times, locations, how did this happen, what were you thinking at this time, what was he like as a person, did you have feelings for this guy, did you love that guy, what was the foreplay like, what was his penis like, did he kiss better than me, did he do anything better than me, etc....
> 
> I've spent a lot of time going down thru my gmail account because that's how we communicated a lot. Just looking for things, dates and whatnot, wondering about every last little detail.
> 
> ...


:iagree: I'm exactly the same, the reason why, because imagination is often worse than reality. Once we know the truth and the facts we can look at it with the light on and see it for what it really is/was.... When we don't know the facts, we see worse case scenarios playing in our head

Problem is, WS don't tell us the whole truth.....your spouse is never going to say 'oh yeah, his penis is way bigger, fatter, prettier than yours' is she?

But I certainly know where you are coming from.


----------



## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

Jadiel said:


> Yeah everyone says i should get away from her...I just don't want to. Is that so terribly wrong? I'm not perfect either. And her actions in that area suck, but her actions in other areas prove she loves me. Besides...I'm far from a great husband. I'm fat, unnattractive, nerdy, possibly have aspergers, I have no money and no job skills. Why the hell is she with me?
> 
> For the record, if anyone's curious...it's a total of 9 guys she's had sex with, 2 more guys she's made out with, and 1 girl involved in a threesome (with one of the 9). Also one of the 9 was a total of 3 encounters.
> 
> ...


Why is she with you? Seriously? She can't love you and treat you this way?

She cheated on you with 9 other men and a woman!

Why are you with each other?

You need to pick yourself up, rub yourself down, lose weight, get tidy, sort out the job issue.....you will never have any self respect if you don't!, and you will never have any wife respect either!!


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

KanDo said:


> So start fixing yourself!




Best thing you can do now.


----------



## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> Did this all happen at one specific time in your M (e.g. within a two month period), or is she a serial cheater (off and on cheating throughout your M) ?


As far as i know....she was.faithful to me until sometime in Autumn 2011. We got together in 07, married September of 08. Then she goes out with a friend one night, they go back to some guys' apt., and she proceeded to make out with two different guys that night. Skip ahead a few months, and she finally gives in to some guy whose been pursuing her. After that, she just went crazy. The majority happened over like two months while she was working out of town frequently. But a few were outside that period as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> As far as i know....she was.faithful to me until sometime in Autumn 2011. We got together in 07, married September of 08. Then she goes out with a friend one night, they go back to some guys' apt., and she proceeded to make out with two different guys that night. Skip ahead a few months, and she finally gives in to some guy whose been pursuing her. After that, she just went crazy. The majority happened over like two months while she was working out of town frequently. But a few were outside that period as well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok so she's broken your trust more than once before. She is now considered a serial cheater. I am married to a serial cheater.

Is she currently trying to reconcile with you? When was her last incident?


----------



## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> Ok so she's broken your trust more than once before. She is now considered a serial cheater. I am married to a serial cheater.
> 
> Is she currently trying to reconcile with you? When was her last incident?


Yeah were trying to work it out. Last physical incident was September 4th as far as i know. But there was testing up till September 27th. Dday was the 28th.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> Am I going nuts?


Yes...by staying with someone who does this repeatedly to you, you are going nuts. 

You should try and make as clean a break from her as possible and get some IC to figure out why you allowed yourself to remain with someone like this.

Toxic.

Otherwise, be prepared to feel like this forever because it won't get any better. You need to remove the toxin (her) and get better (IC). 

If you are fat, get motivated to do something about it. If you don't have a job, get up in the morning and start walking. Only stop for water and real food (not fast food). Start working on making your life better...no one can do that for you.

Please get some help.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I posted this for a different reason (kind of) in a different thread.

I think it's appropriate.

Ben Davis


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

She will have NO PROBLEM in the future stepping out and finding strange within an HOUR once she gets the urge again. And she WILL get the urge again.

I don't envy you.


----------



## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

So several people have asked "Why are you still with her!?!?!"

Here's the best answer I can come up with....she's not a terrible wife. She sucks IN THAT AREA....but she's good in a lot of other ways. and I haven't been the best husband.

Not to say that I'm a terrible husband, just not the best. There was a while I got sucked into video games a bit too much. In my defense, she NEVER acted like this was a problem, in fact she was quite cool with it. I realize now, of course, she was so permissive, because she knew what she'd been doing and had no right to be mad at me.

I see it as sort of an overreaction. I grew distant and moody over a lot of things in our marriage. So she stepped out to find something she needed elsewhere. I'm not saying it was right, but it's not all that surprising. Kind of like if, upon discovering her affairs, I burned our house down and murdered her (hypothetically!!!!). While everyone would agree I went too far, no one would be like "wait, why did he do that???" 

This is a big thing with me: I knew very well when I married her that she was a sl...ahem, extremely promiscuous woman. I knew damn well what she was, and I still let her go to the bar every weekend with her friends. That's my own damn fault. I have very little room to complain. Similar to how she knew I was a gamer when she married me. It's not like she married a professional football player who suddenly got engrossed in WoW. She knew then what I was, and I knew what she was.

Will she cheat again? Probably. But I'm being more careful and less naive now. I'm watching her closely, and I'm not taking much at face value without verifying, and damn but I've developed some serious investigative skills in the past 6 months.

And I believe I've given her proper motivation to not cheat, and if she does, to be honest with me. That's all I really want. Honesty. if she screws some guy, I just wanna know about it. I've made it quite clear that if she ever messes up again, just come tell me and we'll talk about it. But if I EVER have to find out anything on my own again, either thru her phone, facebook, a friend, or whatever, I don't know exactly how I'll react, but I guarantee they'll be talking about it on the news. 

On the upside, this is where we're at: I gave her a few conditions, one is that she answers any question I have any time I want to ask, without *****ing, complaining, dodging or anything. No "Why does that matter?" or "That's none of your business!" or "I don't want to talk about it."

I've always been monitoring her quite closely. I've installed Mobile Spy on her phone and a keylogger on the computer. I'm not overly happy with Mobile Spy but I get the gist of things. She's not going out anymore, except daytime stuff with female friends which I've been careful about verifying. 

We're talking more, and spending more tie together, and I'm appreciating my family more as the people who love me instead of the people who annoy me. I still game, but not nearly as much as I was. I usually pick one night a week to game, instead of like 5. 

I'm also getting a job soon! Well, hopefully. I have a ****ty work history due to some crap that's partially my fault and partially not. But I'm praying this works out and I'll be the bread winner, be more confident, get my groove back, and be able to return things to the way they should be.

As for the kids...our kids are happy. Mostly well adjusted. As I've said in other posts, the boy is a little bit...numb...but he's coming around quite nicely. The little girl is coming along quite nicely as well and getting ready to start school in the fall. 

And I just don't feel like becoming another statistic. And I don't believe in some of the black and white rules people have. I think it's totally possible that a man would rather play WoW than have sex with his wife on Tuesday, but he still loves her. I think its possible a woman can sleep with a bunch of guys but still love her husband. 

I don't believe in this "law" that once someone cheats, its all over. I think it can be worked out, and regardless of how poorly she's handled it, she's human. Humans make mistaes, and even in the face of pure reason, they falter. 

I do the same thing, but in different areas. I suppose you could say I was cheating on her with trolls and orcs instead of other women, but at the end of the day we both screwed up and we're both working on fixing it. Slowly but surely, we're getting there.


----------



## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

Jadiel said:


> So several people have asked "Why are you still with her!?!?!"
> 
> Here's the best answer I can come up with....she's not a terrible wife. She sucks IN THAT AREA....but she's good in a lot of other ways. and I haven't been the best husband.
> 
> ...


Sorry about your situation. Every post you write has qualifiers. "As far as I know she was faithful ..." etc. 

By having PAs with other men she has proven she does not want a monogamous marriage - and she WILL do it again. Why not just agree to have an open marriage with some rules about safe sex?

Failing that, you will lose this battle. She will not "probably" cheat again - she WILL ABSOLUTELY cheat again, but in more and more sophisticated ways - just feeding the high from being more illicit.

Two points: 

1) This is not your fault, so stop blaming yourself and your conduct in the marriage.

2) Your kids will not be ok in this - kids are not stupid and learn from your behaviors. So if you want your kids to fail in their relationships - keep the status quo.

My strong advice - get out of this sham.

Good luck!


----------



## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

PastOM said:


> Sorry about your situation. Every post you write has qualifiers. "As far as I know she was faithful ..." etc.
> 
> By having PAs with other men she has proven she does not want a monogamous marriage - and she WILL do it again. Why not just agree to have an open marriage with some rules about safe sex?
> 
> Failing that, you will lose this battle. She will not "probably" cheat again - she WILL ABSOLUTELY cheat again, but in more and more sophisticated ways - just feeding the high from being more illicit.


Well for starters...EVERYTHING I say has qualifiers. It's just a habit. I don't like saying "She's been faithful" because NO ONE can say with with 100% certainty. It's always "As far as I know"....

Also...we're KIND OF having an open marriage now. It's not wide open...but we've been experimenting some. We did a 3some once, which was ok but awkward as hell, and we swapped with a couple once. We're being safe and all that. 

I still think the kids are ok. It's not like we're talking openly about this stuff around them. The boy knows we had some problems but we're getting thru them, and the little girl is just an angel and happy as can be. I think their general health is a good reflection of us and our marriage.

Edit: I still believe it's partially my own fault, both for my behavior in the marriage, and because of what I knew beforehand. That's part of my personal code of ethics: I knew she was a cheater and I still let her go out. It'd be like if she was an alcoholic and I kept booze around the house all the time. It's at least partially my own damn fault.

Likewise, she knows I'm an obsessive, vengeful little prick when I've been stabbed in the back like this. She has no right to complain if I tell someone she's a cheater, or if I write a song about it or if I decide to call these guys' wives and tell them what's been going on, just for the sheer pleasure of ruining someone's life.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Regarding your original post and question, it's unreasonable to think you can know all the details. She probably doesn't know them herself. And once you've achieved a certain level of details, you'll want one level deeper. What will you do with the information? Will it actually improve your life or is it just scratching some kind of itch in your head? 

You need to move on. Getting control of obsessing sounds like a great step. Something in you is keeping you from having a normal life. This obsession is just a handy device for continuing that.


----------



## scorp79 (Apr 25, 2013)

Agreed with the above.

I have obsessed and thought way too much about my situation. My gut feeling is so strong and astute to every little detail that leaves her mouth, every eye movement and general body language.

I have lost weight, now at a perfect BMI and got to the point where everything felt spaced out even at work and my face was always flushed. I feared I was dropping in to some deep depression after the last incident (check my thread) where the old man pulled me out stopping me from the thought of throwing in my job not to mention the flushed face possibly high blood pressure due to a constant racing heart and feeling of anxiety.

Ive now requested NC of which she doesn't abide by but I do. Today I have felt the best I have felt in a very long time. I feel I am now back in control of myself and my life.

In short - identify the cause of the obsession and put in place a mechanism to stop that. Maybe not so easy in your situation, think hard, try a few things and you will come to a conclusion that will help.


----------



## Single Malt (May 2, 2013)

Jadiel said:


> I feel like I have to know EVERYTHING. Names, dates, times, locations, how did this happen, what were you thinking at this time, what was he like as a person, did you have feelings for this guy, did you love that guy, what was the foreplay like, what was his penis like, did he kiss better than me, did he do anything better than me, etc....
> 
> I've spent a lot of time going down thru my gmail account because that's how we communicated a lot. Just looking for things, dates and whatnot, wondering about every last little detail.
> 
> ...


Being cheated on can definitely make the most sane person feel like they are going crazy. Been there done that my man.

So I just have to ask, why do you stay with such a woman? I can tell you right now you would be much happier being single and dating again, or finding someone better, than to have to look at her on a daily basis and have the mind movies playing in your head about what, how, and where she did another guy.

I know each situation is supposed to be different, but I'm a big proponent of getting rid of someone who isn't worthy of trust. Your life can only get better by getting rid of her.

But if you must stay, for whatever reason, like the kids, then you are going to have to preoccupy your mind with something else or you will truly go crazy. Work out at the gym, get a punching bag, do home improvement, anything. 

But I would say really think about getting out of that marriage and living life again. And yes, it IS easier said than done, but I did it and it was worth all the hard times getting there. Sure divorce is rough while you are going through it, but the smoke does clear and great times are ahead.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your not obsessing at all, you just want to know what your wife is and what she has become.

Inmy case things were a lot more intense...with in a 13 year period and 20 OM me a Mrs.the-guy are working it out.

Most of it started with talking and listening to the painful details of an adultorus life style my wife *had* for 13 years. See you need to know what you are now married to and with that there are needs you can now meet.

In addition the two of you need to explore her behavior and learn from it, see this is very unhealthy behavior and one of these days she will get in to some strange guys car that she met at a bar and the car will be covered in plastic wrap......(my wife lucky, she gave the guy what he wanted instead of having him take it and she got out alive) again this is very dangerous behavior.

She is risking the safty of her family when some guys follower her home when she leaves the bar (my wife was able to chase the guys off when she told them she was married and i was home and was a card caring member of the NRA) or she meets some wacko and he is a bunny burner.

Your wife is putting her self in dangerous places, going home with some strange guy only to find a house full of nothing but guys waiting for her (luck my wife called a girl friend to pick her up and get her out before it went bad) and dealing with some thing she really doesn't want to deal with...enles your old lady is an all at once kind of girl?



My point to all this is that the both of you need to talk about all this bad behavior and the consequences. Your not obsessing you need to learn and work on preventing this from going very very bad for her, the kids, and you!!!!!!

Not only will you learn from this but you just might find out what your wife needs to stay commited to only you.

Be warned this crap anin't easy and if you start being judgemental and combative she will never open up again, so no matter how painful you got ta keep your cool and listen. Your chick will dig the fact that you are listening and if you play it right she will continue to share.


One more thing, this is shameful behavior (eve though she likes it)and your wife will have a hard time with it so I suggest you ask her a question in the morning and tell he to think about it thru out the day and then the two of you can discuss it at night. she will want to know why and you can tell why by saying some of the things I mentioned above. Also she will be scared you will us what she tells you against her later on so you might have to promise you won't. 

Been were you are at 3 years ago and it ain't easy but she has to get this out on the table so you guys can move forward....if you can handle it? 

Be careful what you wish for!


----------

