# Oh my gosh, I hired a PI



## amahoy1971 (Nov 12, 2012)

Now I don't know what I am going to do with that info. I just want to know if she is a prostitute and for how long they stayed together. I just want to make sure he now is saying the truth.
He is still living in his crappy basement room. Come home after work to cook and deal with chores and spend time with our children. At 10pm he has to leave, I don't want him sleeping with me. He swears he is saying the truth......but what can I do? I don't trust him. It has been 110 days that I discovered his infamous list.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Brace yourself, it may be worse than you think, or not. Its best that you know regardless.


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## amahoy1971 (Nov 12, 2012)

I have been in contact with that ho (behind my husband back) 
I am crazy obsessed with making her feel bad.
Now I want that she feels afraid to loose her job...I want her feeling blackmailed the same way she may made feel when she threat my husband to put FB photos for my family to see.
I am crazy.....
I am going counselling (counsellor doesn't know this).
You guys understand the desperation of 15 yrs going to the drain...........


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

amahoy1971 said:


> I have been in contact with that ho (behind my husband back)
> I am crazy obsessed with making her feel bad.
> Now I want that she feels afraid to loose her job...I want her feeling blackmailed the same way she may made feel when she threat my husband to put FB photos for my family to see.
> I am crazy.....
> ...


lol, you might want to mention it to your counselor. Also if you are asking your husband to be transparent and honest, you need to do it to.

I know it hurts but put it in perspective, she did not marry you, your husband did. He is the one who broke his vows to you. 
Think of her as a skank who was available.


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## amahoy1971 (Nov 12, 2012)

mablenc said:


> lol, you might want to mention it to your counselor. Also if you are asking your husband to be transparent and honest, you need to do it to.
> 
> I know it hurts but put it in perspective, she did not marry you, your husband did. He is the one who broke his vows to you.
> Think of her as a skank who was available.


Yes, I know...
but what can I do...I can not help myself...I need to know more and more......

Thanks for your advise...you know how is this...I feel dying


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

amahoy1971 said:


> Yes, I know...
> but what can I do...I can not help myself...I need to know more and more......
> 
> Thanks for your advise...you know how is this...I feel dying


Stop torturing yourself. Don't you know enough already?

Is there any chance you want to salvage this? 

If you plan to D, then I'd stop digging. There is no point in getting to the full truth unless you are a masochist. 

Focus on what you want your future to look like, and start taking care of yourself and you kids.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

amahoy1971 said:


> I have been in contact with that ho (behind my husband back)
> I am crazy obsessed with making her feel bad.
> Now I want that she feels afraid to loose her job...I want her feeling blackmailed the same way she may made feel when she threat my husband to put FB photos for my family to see.
> I am crazy.....
> ...


Her job as a prostitute?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tlcnotathome (Jul 10, 2013)

The more you dig, the more hurt you become.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, I am wondering exactly what job she can get fired from if she's a hooker??

What did the PI say exactly?


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

You have every right to feel what you feel, ask what you want, tell her what you want and hire an investigator. Just take care of yourself physically and your mind will follow. Make a plan for what you will do if the evidence is there & what you want the end result to be for YOU.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

What did the PI find exactly and you need to leave the OW alone. She is not the one responsible for ruining your marriage. Your Husband is the one responsible for not going to other women. You have every right to be mad but you should be taking your anger out on your H not wasting your time with the other woman. She is just going to ignore you and move on to her next target. It could be that your H posed as a single man and the blackmail was to show him how made she was at him.


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## amahoy1971 (Nov 12, 2012)

she works as secretary (this is real). My H version is that she also works as prostitute.
PI was just hired I don't know anything new yet.
she knew he was married, she threat to post photos in FB to make my family unhappy (her words).
To summarize , my H was working overseas for 8 months, we were traveling back and forth so he was not alone the whole time, he managed to sleep with 11 prostitutes and the last one is this woman who he claims is a secretary/Prost. 
He said he ended sleeping with her because she knew he was going to brothels, so she could tell people in the office. somehow he gave her money and ended sleeping with her for 3 weeks (his story) this part that sounds "surreal" is the part that I want to know the truth.
my H is in counseling for sex addictions, and group treatment, althought I think he will prefer be labeled to accept he had an EA or girlfriend.
It could be a deal breaker for me the EA.
I don't know...I am in a roll a coaster.
today he was told by Psych he had traits of OCD, he came very depressed to tell me. He will be tested for it.
I am sleeping and eating Ok, going to therapy but I cannot help myself wanting to dig more. I am prepared for whatever could be...nothing is going to be more painful that Dday.

thanks for answer I will let you know PI outcomes.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My guess is that your husband is lying to you about her even being a prostitute.

I have a book rec for you. It's helped me tremendously.

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal: Barbara Steffens, Marsha Means: 9780882823096: Amazon.com: Books


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What part of the world did this happen?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

So she's a married, real work, after work hours prostitiute? How much did your husband pay her? 

I don't know, but I hope the PI can clarify her off duty hobbies.


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## amahoy1971 (Nov 12, 2012)

this happened in the Caribbean. Prost are cheap there. he claims he spent 700 dollars which is a lot in that island. 
she is not married. she works partime in that company.
More psych tests are coming. He will rather be in a psych hospital that tell me she was a EA, o girlfriend. 
I understand compulsions but "3 weeks" with the same one, overnight, and gifts?. No very hookerish as somebody mentioned.
I am just starting to imagine a life without him, and picture him married with other person, I want to be detached. at the same time I don't want to mess the routines of my children. But this eventually will happen.
i am doing the 180 without even knowing this method exist. 
I am waiting to have my vacation in 2 weeks and start the legal separation agreement and file. I just cannot see myself married to a loser.
I don't know if I love him anymore. I don't know anything.
the other thing, he will have a vasectomy soon, first thing he wanted to do after Dday (I asked for it, many years ago, now he is doing because he wants to do things for me). ja , better do it if he doesn't want to be fathering children everywhere.
he gave up alcohol, he swears is not watching porn (3mnths) and NC.
If you knew him you don't believe he was able to do these things. "I am a family guy" "I am a man of principles"... So arrogant , narcissist, and now .....a crying baby.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I understand your dealbreaked is having an EA, instead of exclusively sexual afffaird swith hookers, this is your dealbreaker, your choice but I'm not sure why do you believe (at least it's what I'm reading here, please correct me if I'm wrong) that having a sorta "relationship" with this woman is different from the POV of his "sickeness".
Some men who "use" prostitution often develope strange conexions with them if they become regulars and there're men who specificaly seek "fake" relationships with them, it's called girl friend experience, many prostitutes specializes on this.

BTW, 3 weeks hardly amount to any kind of real "EA", in my humble opinion.


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## amahoy1971 (Nov 12, 2012)

Acabado said:


> I understand your dealbreaked is having an EA, instead of exclusively sexual afffaird swith hookers, this is your dealbreaker, your choice but I'm not sure why do you believe (at least it's what I'm reading here, please correct me if I'm wrong) that having a sorta "relationship" with this woman is different from the POV of his "sickeness".
> Some men who "use" prostitution often develope strange conexions with them if they become regulars and there're men who specificaly seek "fake" relationships with them, it's called girl friend experience, many prostitutes specializes on this.
> 
> BTW, 3 weeks hardly amount to any kind of real "EA", in my humble opinion.



It is my dealbreaker because I can understand mental health issues as compulsions, or addictions, paraphilias etc. I work in this field (ironically).
An EA for me, means that you fell in love with other person, and that could happen to anyone...crush, truth love...whatever...
And if this happens you have to finish your matrimonial contract and go for what you are looking for. Just dont be a dishonest cake eater.
3 weeks he said....hard to believe...He said the woman saw him to leave a brothel and threaten him to tell the whole office about. She asked him for money...and gave it to her, but he said...well so what you are going to give me in exchange? She said take me to your apt. I will show you....since then he couldn't stop. it was a combination of thrill, excitement, fear and lust (his words)
His counsellor said it was an extension of his addiction to porn.

Yes EA in 3 weeks ?? But he was in that island for 8 months, so who knows?.

I showed him about GFE (thanks btw)...he swears it was not that...he is seeking to proof me she was a Prost and trying to get the cell number of her pimp....I think I will die before knowing "this info" from him.

Sometimes I felt pity for him, he seems so repent, humilliate of having to go to those sex addiction meetings, he says there are people in worst conditions than him.

I just want that an angel come to me and tell me what to do and that decision that I would make is the right decision...a peaceful one for the well being of my family.


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## amahoy1971 (Nov 12, 2012)

You are right maybe was GFE, but not arranged. Or maybe yes.
Hate them. she is so tacky, young though.

thanks for your insights, they are helpful, very helpful.


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## amahoy1971 (Nov 12, 2012)

Well, PI confirmed she is PT prostitute and also works for his company. she does not have a pimp and the whole thing lasted two weeks on and off. She gets her clients through hotel employees, bodyguards etc. Well, it seems the bastard is saying some truth. What stupid man...

I have been depressed last days, I am in a limbo, he is doing what it needs to be done. 

Let's see what else need to happen......still 60 days to go.........

Thank you very much for your input guys........I really appreciate any thought......


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Hang in there. It will get better, I promise.

BTW, glad to hear it wasn't worse than you feared and he was honest about this crap.


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## amahoy1971 (Nov 12, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Hang in there. It will get better, I promise.
> 
> BTW, glad to hear it wasn't worse than you feared and he was honest about this crap.


Thanks acabado, it seems he couldnt leave the Island without trying the GFE.

Now I AM waiting for a post nup so he committes to pay the house and give it to me not matter what....will see if money talks...it worked for the Ho..why is not Going to work me?.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

AMAHOY1971-
You are not going to be able to put a time frame on feeling better until you have an attainable goal. My H of 16 year hired hookers, one he used all the time, they even went out to dinner several time so emotion other than sex as there. I spent months curled in a ball crying asking that stupid question WHY. I was in IC and on major meds to deal. I went from size 18 to a 4 in 6 months time. I guess the only thing that made me open my eyes was a statement the psychologists asked me. "If a flaming arrow was coming at your head what would you do" Being the fixer that I am I said, try and stomp it out with my foot. His words" NO most people would turn around and run! 

So hun, I know the pain and the wanting to know everything. He should be giving full disclosure to you so you don't keep thinking there's more to learn.

Try your hardest to find "that" purpose for living that goes beyond your cheating husband. Stop focusing on the positute, that's what they do for a living. Keep your chin up and keep telling yourself you did not choose this but it was his doing. Put blame where it belongs!


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## amahoy1971 (Nov 12, 2012)

Tomara said:


> AMAHOY1971-
> You are not going to be able to put a time frame on feeling better until you have an attainable goal. My H of 16 year hired hookers, one he used all the time, they even went out to dinner several time so emotion other than sex as there. I spent months curled in a ball crying asking that stupid question WHY. I was in IC and on major meds to deal. I went from size 18 to a 4 in 6 months time. I guess the only thing that made me open my eyes was a statement the psychologists asked me. "If a flaming arrow was coming at your head what would you do" Being the fixer that I am I said, try and stomp it out with my foot. His words" NO most people would turn around and run!
> 
> So hun, I know the pain and the wanting to know everything. He should be giving full disclosure to you so you don't keep thinking there's more to learn.
> ...


thanks Tomara, maybe you haven't read carefully my posts. I just wanted to know if it was true what he was disclosing...
The OW/Prost post pictures in FB and threaten to put more if he didn't sent money to her...of course I reacted...I have to defend my children.
It was his choice to agree intercourse with her...but the blackmail...I took it personally.

timeline is done, there is not more to look for..I am done with the truth seeking. 

Now I am just waiting to clear my mind and not allowing that the rage make me do things what I could regret in the future.

the rage comes and goes, now I am experience is sadness.

I need more time that is all.

thanks anyway.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

amahoy1971 said:


> Well, PI confirmed she is PT prostitute and also works for his company. she does not have a pimp and the whole thing lasted two weeks on and off. She gets her clients through hotel employees, bodyguards etc. Well, it seems the bastard is saying some truth. What stupid man...
> 
> I have been depressed last days, I am in a limbo, he is doing what it needs to be done.
> 
> ...


Permission to make a small joke?

Where does she have the energy to work, be a prostitute and have an affair? :scratchhead:


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## amahoy1971 (Nov 12, 2012)

She is young though, and in that island there are not many possibilities for women to succeed. 
I am done with investigations...
Last night I had sex with him, because I want it, in the morning I was so depressed...feeling as if I was violating my principles.
I am so confused.
Why these people do this??? What is the need for them to hurt us that way...why not sit and talk????

Thanks


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

amahoy1971 said:


> Well, PI confirmed she is PT prostitute and also works for his company. she does not have a pimp and the whole thing lasted two weeks on and off. She gets her clients through hotel employees, bodyguards etc. Well, it seems the bastard is saying some truth. What stupid man...
> 
> I have been depressed last days, I am in a limbo, he is doing what it needs to be done.
> 
> ...


Get your body and mind healthy... Focus on that. You will make better decisions with improved clarity from not having your head up in the situation.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

amahoy1971 said:


> Why these people do this??? What is the need for them to hurt us that way...why not sit and talk????


Ah, the never-answered question.


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