# My Mother-in-Law relies too much on my husband!!!



## Smiles and Sunshine (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi everyone. I'm in need of some advice. I'll start on the little things that led to this post first.

My mother-in-law is a single mom of 4, my husband being the oldest. His parents divorced when we were in high school and of course it had a negative effect on the entire family's lives. At the time of divorce, she was a stay-at-home mom. She is half Japanese and knows English as her second language, however she still went to pursue her nursing certificate to help provide for her family. 

We have been married for 7 months now and every day I feel more and more like I'm the third wheel when around my husband and his mother. She works as a nurse 3 days a week for 12 hours straight and now she is going to school again to get her bachelor's degree. Because of this and because of her difficulty with the English language, she always asks for help from my husband with her homework, tests, etc. She is currently in the middle of a move, so on top of him helping her with all of those things he's also helping her cancel her internet and phone and getting her a storage unit, etc. On top of this, he has a full-time job AND not to mention a WIFE. I also work full-time and we hardly get to spend any time together. I don't know if I'm being selfish, but I'm getting tired of him saying yes to everything his mother asks even when he knows he doesn't have the time. 

So I guess I need advice as to what I should tell my husband regarding this situation. I don't like it at all. I feel like she is his wife and I am just a third wheel. He will do anything she asks in a heartbeat, but put off things I have been asking him to do for weeks. Help!

(And also side story, she invited us to go to New York with her and his sister last month. I thought that meant some of the trip would be paid for us, but we ended up buying our own tickets, room, and tickets to broadway shows. She only paid for dinner a couple of times. And my husband has no problem at all paying for any of this... What do I do?)

PS: Sorry it's a lot of info. Any input at all would be greatly appreciated!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you and your husband?

Can you please clarify? Did you and your husband pay for your own room and tickets? Or did the 2 of you pay for his mother and his sister?


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## Smiles and Sunshine (Jun 24, 2015)

We are 23. We paid for our own rooms, plane tickets, and I believe we paid for all of the tickets to the Broadway shows. The worst thing is we were driving home from the airport and as we were thanking her (for a few dinners she paid for, I guess. Although my husband acted as if she paid for the whole trip.) she reminded us immediately afterwards that we owe her $400 for the room. And of course my husband said "Yeah, of course! We'll pay you back." Next time she invites us to travel anywhere I will say no...


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## Tobin (Jun 24, 2015)

His mom paid for a few dinners, which is more than you did for her, I'm not seeing why it's unreasonable for her to ask that you pay her back for your room- the room you said you paid for yourself but then say she paid for you.

His mother is going through a lot of upheaval and she needs her son to help her out, she raised him from a baby, provided for him his whole life, and now that he's got an opportunity to show his gratitude and be there for her like a son should be, you complain that it's taking time away from you. My vote is yes, you are being selfish.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

It depends on whether this is a short term or long term issue. If it's out of the ordinary for him to spend so much time with his mum, and it's only due to the move/exams etc. I would say that you need to cut him some slack.

However, if this is the latest in a long line of things then yes, you need to address this with your husband and he needs to set boundaries.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't get the issue with the trip. Why should his mother pay for your room?

With the move and exams. Him helping her with these things are really in your interest as well. Getting your MIL where she can earn a better living means that your husband will feel less obligated to help her financially and in other ways.

The move. Moving suck. It's great to have help with a move.

Both sound like temporary things.

If he helps her a lot.. then pick your battles better.

If your mother needed help with moving and education to support herself and children, would you just tell her to go pound sand?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

$400 for one night hotel sounds very excessive. How much was the show?


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## pavlizhec (Jun 25, 2015)

I believe we paid for all of the tickets to the Broadway shows.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

Your mother in law sounds like an amazing woman and mother, and your husband sounds like an incredible son. You are adults so parents do not owe you paid for trips in order to get you to travel with them. She did nothing wrong by asking for help during transitions and further schooling.
Your husband is a good man, right, which is why you married him? Thank her and help her because she raised that man you married. You are very young but it is never too early to realize that while you may be your husbands world, he still has others who love and rely on him and that is ok. If this is about time together.... Sit down and ask for time together and plan fun things to do together, but be careful about seeing your mother in law as competition. That is his mother and she sounds like she is working hard to further her education so she doesn't have to rely on her children financially. Good luck.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Sounds like this may be largely a cultural issue, as your MIL is still culturally Japanese. I don't know Japanese culture, but parts of your story remind me of asian culture. Many asian eldest sons take part of the load supporting siblings and parents. So maybe because of cultural expectations, your H has stepped up to take his fathers responsibilities. I fear he may be very reluctant to change.

Do you know Japanese culture? I guess not. It might help to learn. Talk to your husband about Japanese culture. Hopefully getting him to explain will also get him to realise these customs are not the local norm. Your show of interest may draw the two of you closer. But 25 years on I still occassionally stumble over cross cultural issues.

I guess you are outside Japan and your H was born and raised outside Japan. That does not mean he does not carry Japanese cultural ideas. Do you think your husband is Japanese, partly or completely? I have seen second generation Aussies still hold strange beliefs for cultural reasons. 

Did MIL always behaved like this? If it is cultural then I expect yes. If it is only recent then probably my post is wrong.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Smiles and Sunshine said:


> We are 23. We paid for our own rooms, plane tickets, and I believe we paid for all of the tickets to the Broadway shows. The worst thing is we were driving home from the airport and as we were thanking her (for a few dinners she paid for, I guess. Although my husband acted as if she paid for the whole trip.) she reminded us immediately afterwards that we owe her $400 for the room. And of course my husband said "Yeah, of course! We'll pay you back." Next time she invites us to travel anywhere I will say no...


I'm confused...if you paid for your own room, why do you have to pay your MIL back? Any why didn't your husband remind her that she didn't pay for your room?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I thnk it's wonderful your husband is close to his family, however I do understand that you two need time together as well. 

Can you make an agreement with your husband that he helps her one evening a week, whilst you go and do something with your family/a friend. Then one lunch or dinner every second weekend together and switch it up between having it at her house or yours? 


Then the other weekend is for you two to do things together and so are the other nights of the week.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I understand your situation. It seems that I have always (but one) dated/ married the oldest son.

You mention that he has 3 siblings. What are they doing for their own Mother? 

If I had a good relationship with my MIL, I would be very happy to help her with her classwork. How does she treat you? Like a member of the family or like an Interloper?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You probably saw this before you married him, and therefore you should not have married him.

He is showing you where his priorties are. You should believe him.

You are not selfish. However, trying to get him to "change" will be wasted effort.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

If you had time and money to go on a trip with your MIL then you both obviously have the ability to go on a trip alone with each other. You have the right to tell your husband you are missing time with him and asking him to please find time for you two to be alone. However you don't have the right to criticize your MIL or think negatively of her. Don't say anything critical of her or their relationship because it is selfish and will make your hubby resent you big time. Take the time you can get with him and take a lesson in patience. From what you said this situation with your MIL will not be permanent, even if it lasts a few years, so wait it out.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I agree with some of the other posters, it sounds like this situation won't be permanent, hopefully. And yes, it may be a cultural thing. But if he's old enough to be married, how old are the other kids? Are they old enough to help out so that he doesn't have to do everything?

But you do need to speak with him about it, if it seems like he is dedicating all his time to her, which mean he is neglecting you. I think you need to have a talk with him and say, "I understand that your mother needs a lot of help right now, and so I understand why you are spending so much time helping her. And I like that you are giving and loving. However, as a result, we don't have any time together, and to be honest, I'm feeling neglected. We just got married, and if we want to have a successful marriage, we need to continue to nurture our relationship and prioritize one another." Ask about the other siblings helping so he's not carrying the entire burden. Is there a way that YOU can contribute and take something off his plate, so that he can then spend some more time with you. Be a team player. If you can prioritize HIM by helping HIM in this situation, he may be better able (not to mention willing) to give you more time. Be understanding and supportive, but firm--this all may be very stressful on him as well. If he was raised with Japanese values (and I get the feeling that he was), he may be keeping a lot of his personal stress from you, and making demands on him will only contribute to that.

I don't think you're being selfish in wanting him to have balanced priorities, but it doesn't have to be all or nothing regarding his mother. You have to work with him to find a middle ground that is acceptable to you both.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> $400 for one night hotel sounds very excessive. How much was the show?


NYC hotels are crazy expensive, yo. And I think they were there for more than one nights, if they saw multiple shows.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I've been asked on family holidays and never expected the person asking to pay for the whole thing, so I believe your expectations didn't match anyone else's obviously, and it's your perspective that needs to change on that, not theirs.

You paid for the shows, she paid for some dinners. You could check on that and if it's ever brought up again, you have that knowledge to make a point that it probably all worked out fairly evenly.

As for helping her, well, she's a bit needy at the moment I guess. It probably won't always be that way. However, if you want to spend some time together, ask him to spend some with you. Go on a date with him. Don't make it a big negative thing about his Mum, make it a positive thing about you and him.


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