# Second Dday.



## Whenwillitend (Jul 25, 2012)

A little bit after first Dday anniversary I found out about a new affair. Caught her with a VAR talking to friends about POSOM and I came home later that night and told her it was time for her to leave. Once again denial and more lies until finally she broke down and confessed. We are both doing individual counseling right now but the pain is unbearable. I had just started to trust her after her first affair and now this. She is the only person I have ever loved and we have two wonderful children. Due to other reasons we were already in parent counseling due to our kids suffering from PTSD due to hurricane Sandy. I do not know what to do anymore. I want to keep on trying for the kids sake and as crazy it might sound I do still love her. She has had to deal with a lot of demons in her life and she is taking steps to finally deal with some lifelong issues. I want to try again and I think she finally found a therapist that could help her. I am however terrified that I will give her another chance just to get hurt again. At some level I believe all the rotten things I did in previous relationship is coming back to haunt me. I want to do what is best for our kids and make this work as long as she gets the help she needs. I know a lot of people will tell me to get a divorce but I still think its worth a try. Just scared as hell for what will happen in the future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Whenwillitend said:


> A little bit after first Dday anniversary I found out about a new affair. Caught her with a VAR talking to friends about POSOM and I came home later that night and told her it was time for her to leave. Once again denial and more lies until finally she broke down and confessed. We are both doing individual counseling right now but the pain is unbearable. I had just started to trust her after her first affair and now this. She is the only person I have ever loved and we have two wonderful children. Due to other reasons we were already in parent counseling due to our kids suffering from PTSD due to hurricane Sandy. I do not know what to do anymore. I want to keep on trying for the kids sake and as crazy it might sound I do still love her. She has had to deal with a lot of demons in her life and she is taking steps to finally deal with some lifelong issues. I want to try again and I think she finally found a therapist that could help her. I am however terrified that I will give her another chance just to get hurt again. At some level I believe all the rotten things I did in previous relationship is coming back to haunt me. I want to do what is best for our kids and make this work as long as she gets the help she needs. I know a lot of people will tell me to get a divorce but I still think its worth a try. Just scared as hell for what will happen in the future.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You could initiate the divorce and even have her served to let her know how serious you are. Up until the final papers are signed, you can still chose which path you want to take. Heck, even after they're signed, you can still decide to reconcile, this time with a pre-nup.

C


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Sorry you are experiencing this AGAIN. If you love her that much, you must be willing to let her go. She will never change if you keep accepting her "as is". Counseling helps no one unless they are ready and willing on their own accord. I found the courage to divorce him. I was in your shoes 3 years ago for 7 of a 13 year marriage - The odd thing is I didn't find out about the 7 years-during-marriage + 1-year-post-divorce A until pre-reconciliation. I had no idea that I gave the cake-eating gluts their fill on a platter, but God did.

He supposedly learned his lessons and we remarried. Although I have bad feelings sometimes that another set of Ddays will arrive, I have been learning to focus on the fact that he learned his lessons...Remember, you can always remarry her when she learns to respect herself, you and her children. 

Gotta bite the bullet and take the divorce dive. She used up her second chance. Now she faces the consequences of a divorce. You need to use that time to heal and she needs to use that time to learn respect. If you continue with her, even if she gets counseling, she will NEVER respect you. Marriage is built on mutual respect. She needs to offer you her whole-self for a brand new start in a remarriage, rather that handing you her half-a-self because you have always accepted her that way.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

If you stay you are always going to be waiting for the next time. I feel for you because I had multiple DDays and Im still here!

Its a long hard road!


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Sorry to hear about the recent discovery. Only you can decide if D or R is the right course of action for you. 

I'm not sure I could handle a second DDay but have read that others have. 

Whatever you decide, I wish you well and at least you have TAM here to help you along the way.

Good Luck
WD


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Guess its up to me to give you the cold hard truth and I'm gonna be as subtle as a 10 megaton nuclear blast. Here are your two scenarios.

1). Reconcile again. There is a tiny chance you will not be back with d day 3. So your choice is to either be a cuckold or tell her the 1 sided open marriage is over and you are both going to become swingers. Don't like that one? Didn't think so.

Btw you will probably provide a terrible example to your kids being a cuckold. Yes even worse than divorced dad. Have sons? You are TEACHING them to be a cuckold!!!!

2). Divorce... Yes it sucks. You have to work on detaching. It will be rough but oddly it's a shorter road. Probably because you don't have to look into the cheaters eyes and trigger. Read the top link in my signature and the BFF threads. Btw BFF now has a hotter younger girlfriend 8ish months out.

Please stop being a doormat.

Btw went thru sandy also. My PTSD is from seeing 350 pound man ass at the public showers due to no power for a week. Need lots of drugs to keep those images out of my head.


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## dgtal (Jun 11, 2010)

was she talking about in past tense or still in contact with the posom?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reubsky (Mar 21, 2013)

no more chance should be given divorce is the only path for yuorself


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## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

Very sorry you are having to go through this again. I don't think I could go through the pain again, I know I'm only in my third month since Dday but... However, you are in charge; it's your call so only you can make decision. Good luck with everything.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And I hope you checked if OM is married or has a gf and exposed it to her?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Whenwillitend said:


> . At some level I believe all the rotten things I did in previous relationship is coming back to haunt me.


What?!


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

She knows what you fear and will exploit it. Staying for the kids will likely backfire if their Dad ends up a shell of a man, and you will, until you rain down consequences. And her childhood is simply and utterly no excuse. PERIOD.

I was right where you are and I can only say things got better when I decided to act strong for me and my child-because have no doubt she is cheating on your children too. 

Put frankly: This will not get better until you make it better. Stand up.


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## Whenwillitend (Jul 25, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> What?!


What I meant was that I bet that most of my exes would read my story and say I got hit by the karmabus.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whenwillitend (Jul 25, 2012)

Just to be a little clearer. There is a possibility that she has had an un-diagnosed personality disorder for the last 20 years which would explain a lot of things. Also right now I have to be a father first considering what my kids are going through. Only time will tell if whatever decision I make is the right one but at least the decision has to be made in regards to my children's well being and not my own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You gave two excuses that contradict each other, but as long as you are not acting out of fear, good luck. And by the way there are more screwed up kids who emerged from parents that create a toxic home life, then from divorce. And you need to figure out your deal breaker here. Do you have one in mind?


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Whenwillitend said:


> Just to be a little clearer. There is a possibility that she has had an un-diagnosed personality disorder for the last 20 years which would explain a lot of things. Also right now I have to be a father first considering what my kids are going through. Only time will tell if whatever decision I make is the right one but at least the decision has to be made in regards to my children's well being and not my own.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What exactly is that well being? Growing up in a house where mom is having affair after affair, feeling the tension between mommy and daddy, watching dad struggle with his feelings every time mom goes out?

While I'm not one to debunk disorders and conditions, you've already cooked up an excuse for essential decision making. It's a conscious choice to cheat, to do it twice says more about how she sees you than anything else. Her actions have had no consequences and as long as you continue to rug sweep, you;ll always be looking over your shoulder.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Having a PD is not an excuse to behave badly. It may be a factor, but it is not an excuse.

Personally I don't think I could take another D-day - I always said I would never forgive after one, but, although I'm still in limbo, I'm not heading directly toward D, do not pass Go any more.

I'm still not sure I can forgive. Time will tell.

But if I did, and he did it again, it would definitely be over. There were, not mitigating factors, but circumstances which led to the affair, circumstances which I understand. It doesn't make it right, as I was in those same circumstances and I didn't cheat - it never even crossed my mind to cheat.

But if I choose to believe everything he tells me about how disgusted with himself he is, and how disappointed, and how he never thought he would ever do something like this, and how he is devastated for what it's done to me--IF I believe that, go for R, work my damn butt off to make it work for us, and he turns around and blithely does it again in the future, then I'll know that it was all a ton of BS.

No third chances here!


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Whenwillitend said:


> Just to be a little clearer. There is a possibility that she has had an un-diagnosed personality disorder for the last 20 years which would explain a lot of things. Also right now I have to be a father first considering what my kids are going through. Only time will tell if whatever decision I make is the right one but at least the decision has to be made in regards to my children's well being and not my own.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is an opportunity for me to clear up a huge misconception about personality disorders and the cataclysmic effects they can have upon a marriage / relationship. 

(I'll have to compose a thread devoted to it exclusively when I have more time)

Personality Disorders certainly help point the inflicted upon a pathway that may lead them to think in certain ways about many ordinary life scenarios, many aspects of theirs and others lives.

Stage 1/ 
Having got themselves into a scenario through PD influenced thinking they are then faced with the next decision 
Stage 2/
Fully aware of the consequences of this pathway up to now it is time TO ACT UPON IT.

This bit this decision *THIS CHOICE* has nothing to do with any personalty disorder of any kind.

This is somebody free thinkingly weighing up the pros and cons of the next step and should they continue they make a conscious choice to completely disregard any destruction the action will cause will result in.

It would take a far more seriously mentally afflicted personality to act _without choice_ to 'not really know what they were doing'

Outside of that serious mental condition there are only choices, there is no confusion, there is none

Anybody suffering from personality disorders or a mix of Bipolar/Borderline Personality/Narcissm etc is in full command of their faculties when they allow that first kiss to happen - even prior to that when they lay out the groundwork fo that first kiss to even be possible. They already know what they are doing and the full consequences of it 

Personality disorder is no excuse for infidelity physical or emotional


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> as crazy it might sound I do still love her


Your love for her is not enough for the marriage to survive and neither should it be.

And maybe you need to re-examine your own definitions of love. She had 2 affairs with 2 different men, you had to VAR her to catch her in thee 2nd affair. Can you not see the obvious ? Maybe she is not leaving you because of the kids. She is telling you that she does not love you like a wife should through her actions.

And please read about codependency when you get a chance to. 

Who are the guys she cheated with ? Are they married ?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OP,

She took the gift of R you laid at her feet after her first affair and threw it back in your face. She more than likely is a serial cheater.

If you really want to know all the truth that's out there, make her passing a polygraph one of the conditions of R this time.

As for your kids, also remember that kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one!


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Headspin said:


> This is an opportunity for me to clear up a huge misconception about personality disorders and the cataclysmic effects they can have upon a marriage / relationship.
> 
> (I'll have to compose a thread devoted to it exclusively when I have more time)
> 
> ...


Noticed this excuse is being used more and more but without proper understanding of what they are actually talking about. She has a disorder this could be why she did it.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Sigh watching people throw their lives away is depressing, and yes, he is throwing away his life. I'm shaking my head sadly.

Anyone wanna bet me this is only the second CAUGHT affair?

OP how old are you and wife?
where is she hooking up?
What is the POSOM? boss? 
Does she have a Ash.Mad.Com? profile? (cant use the whole string here it gets censored) You know the big cheater site.
If not how is she meeting these men?
Does she know all your monitoring tricks or does she simply not care if you find out?
You mentioned kids? boys? girls?

Glad you are vigilant but she is only going to get better at hiding it.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Does she have a Ash.Mad.Com? profile? (cant use the whole string here it gets censored) You know the big cheater site.


What's this?


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

Honestly it would be hard to forgive for a 2nd time. Either your a better man then i am or you just prefer more emotional punishment. Need to ask yourself why has she done this twice now, did she not learn from the first time. No accountability is sounds like. You see this with convicts a lot they get a slap on the wrist and guess what 6 months later or less there at it again because the thrill is better then what the punishment ends up being. Free room and board, hot meals, cable t.v. Shoot all you have to do is show remorseful until the gaurd it down, Don't have to put any work in and just let it pass, boom released, alright lets test the waters again im bored.. 

I hope this works out for you but you need to try to detach and make the WS realize hey you can live without her. She needs to recognize that its a honor and privilege to be you and its not her choice its your, get control and do the driving.. I hope the best for you..


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to give details of what has gone on.

Are you still drinking? How did Mc work out?

Who, what, where, when?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Whenwillitend said:


> She has had to deal with a lot of demons in her life and she is taking steps to finally deal with some lifelong issues. _Posted via Mobile Device_


It will never work as long as you make excuses for her poor behavior. Whatever her issues, she needs to be accountable for her decisions. If not, there is no reason for her to change.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Certain things have to be agreed upon, boundaries set, verification etc.

You have to have a plan. MC has to be good or another found. 


For one thing, from aquick search, it does not look like you used and took advantage of the folks at TAM.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Robsia said:


> What's this?


There's a website for married people who want to have an affair with another married person. The name is two girl names put together www dot a$hl ey Mad i$ on dotcom. (Change the $ to S).


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

^thanks


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Quit being a beta provider ****. Kick her out and tell her you're going to start dating again. Then do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

Personally, I can't understand why anyone would go back after a second affair. It's unconscionable to me.

Drop "the kids" excuse. The kids are much better off learning how to respect themselves and how to break away from abusers than they are living in a home with a mother who cruelly emotionally abuses their father, and a father who keeps comin' back for more.


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## victarion (Sep 7, 2012)

/agree with grinding


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## littlesweetling (Feb 16, 2013)

I agree with illwill, you need to decide what the deal breaker is
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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