# Considering Separation Under the Same Roof



## courtney611 (Jan 9, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for 14 years at the end of this month, together over 18. We have a 2 children, 6 and 8. We have not gotten along or seen eye to eye on much of anything in the last few years. We moved out of state last year and for the last 18 months things here at the new home have been incredibly strained. I am not finding myself physically attracted to him and finding I am not making him a priority. He dislikes the way I do not take care of myself physically and also doesn't like the way I interact with our children (says I don't show them any positive attention or play with them and take an interest in their activities) - this is what bothers him the most, he said. There are also scads of other things he doesn't like about me or our relationship, but let's just say we are total opposites - highly attacted to one another at first ( he was my first boyfriend, met in college) but not anymore. 

Yesterday morning he calls me on the phone from work and asks, "So what are we going to do?" I know we should probably separate, although I would look at myself as a failure if we did and eventually divorce. But there is no joy or happiness with us, no physical attraction...nothing. We are roommates (which I'm sure has been echoed on this site by many others) raising children together. We are civil to one another - we haven't had a major blow up fight yet. Perhaps it's because we're mature enough to know we can discuss our problems like adults or perhaps it's because neither one of us cares enough.

He is terrified of the thought of divorcing and me ending up with the kids, moving back to the area where my mom lives (3 hours from where we are now) and not getting to see them as he likes. I would never keep his children from him but there is no point in staying in this place we moved to since neither one of us has any family any closer than 1.5 hours away. I'm getting ahead of myself...simply put, if we separate, we do not have a 2nd income to support one of us getting another place to live and would have to live separately under the same roof. I would like to get a job myself to help during this time but we live in a rural area where jobs are very hard to come by. 

I refuse to be a "friend with benefits" for him (when he gets the urge) for the next 12 years until our youngest starts college - we would both be miserable and so much of our lives would be put on hold. I know this could be devastating to our children and that is what I'd like to avoid. I can see the positive of us being separated under the same roof but then others have told me that doing that is such a bad idea. He is my best friend and I trust him with anything, but there is no spark left in us. I've been in counseling for this since the summer but he is adamant that he will not participate in counseling because it doesn't change people. No? But I think it does help us learn how to handle the stresses in our lives and helps us make better more informed decisions. Thoughts on separating and living in the same home?


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

courtney611 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 14 years at the end of this month, together over 18. We have a 2 children, 6 and 8. We have not gotten along or seen eye to eye on much of anything in the last few years. We moved out of state last year and for the last 18 months things here at the new home have been incredibly strained. I am not finding myself physically attracted to him and finding I am not making him a priority. He dislikes the way I do not take care of myself physically and also doesn't like the way I interact with our children (says I don't show them any positive attention or play with them and take an interest in their activities) - this is what bothers him the most, he said. There are also scads of other things he doesn't like about me or our relationship, but let's just say we are total opposites - highly attacted to one another at first ( he was my first boyfriend, met in college) but not anymore.
> 
> Yesterday morning he calls me on the phone from work and asks, "So what are we going to do?" I know we should probably separate, although I would look at myself as a failure if we did and eventually divorce. But there is no joy or happiness with us, no physical attraction...nothing. We are roommates (which I'm sure has been echoed on this site by many others) raising children together. We are civil to one another - we haven't had a major blow up fight yet. Perhaps it's because we're mature enough to know we can discuss our problems like adults or perhaps it's because neither one of us cares enough.
> 
> ...


You can take my situation as one example that didn't work...

9 months ago, I was you, and my wife was your husband. We've been married 14 years. We have two children, a 14 year old son and a 13 year old daughter. She moved into the basement bedroom last May.

For a while, things got much better. And then, soon enough, it was all the same as it had been, only we were in different bedrooms.

Without the distance and privacy from each other to truly put the relationship on pause and heal ourselves individually, but we also no longer had the closeness to hold us together.

Now, things are far, far worse than they were before we "separated" and I don't believe there is any chance whatsoever of reconciliation. Take a peek at some of the other threads I've started to see the whole story.

Good Luck.



Pb.


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

courtney said:


> He is my best friend and I trust him with anything, but there is no spark left in us.



Staying in the same house increases the chance of saving the M and yes, even reigniting the spark. Out of house separation is dress rehearsal for D. 

Check out 5 love languages and start filling his tank. If he's not on board at first it doesn't matter. One partner can start to turn the tide.

D is painful, hurts your kids, and you will almost certainly "lose the spark" with your next partner after a few years. Stick with your best friend and figure out how to make it work.

Loving actions come first, and then loving feelings. Not the other way around.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are in control of your side of how you participate in your marriage.

You should follow the advice above, and start "loving" your husband. Men are pretty simple creatures... Make them feel loved and you will see a dramatic change in how he acts and as a consequence your entire life. 

The children you chose to have deserve you taking your shot.


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## behappy123 (Jan 5, 2013)

It is easy for the spark to disappear out of a relationship but it still sounds like you love him and that he is your best friend and that he feels the same way about you. I don't think separating or divorcing is your answer. I truly think that you guys just need to find the spark again but maybe both of you are waiting for the other person to start first. Since you are seeking out advice on the board I would tell you to end the cycle and find the spark..it’s still there somewhere. Once you start the cycle, he will follow your lead. 

Here are a couple really good books that I recommend:
Divorce Busting 
The Five Love Languages
Love and Respect
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands

Once you find the spark again, you could even take it to the next level and spice up your sex life which always helps keep the spark going . 
I hope that helps. Good luck!


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