# Past infidelity issues



## phoenixmountainman (Apr 5, 2012)

My wife and I (married less than a year) have spent nearly all of that time living on separate continents (our separation will end this summer). We have each been married previously, so this is the second for both of us. One recurring issue has been between my wife and my ex. They have never met, never spoken on the phone....nothing. And I am by no means a fan of my ex, we rarely talk except to talk to the kids, and we live in separate states, so we rarely are ever in contact. However, even just a mention of my kids to my wife often infuriates her because she has such a problem with my ex. Consider this exchange that recently occurred with my wife while text messaging:

Me: So I ran into a little hiccup today with tricare trying to get a prescription for G

Wife: What?

Me: The company that handles prescriptions for tricare claimed they had no record of him having coverage, so I called triwest and deers and they both said he's in there with coverage under you, so I had to call the prescription company back and try to explain it to them....apparently they tried to put it thru under his profile with me as the sponsor and it is inactive

Wife: So y didn't Your ex tell them that?

Me: She didnt have your SSN, so apparently they couldn't just look it up by his name they claimed

Wife: U baby her too much

Me: I was more concerned sbout getting G the prescription and I didn't want her to have your SSN

Wife: I have one last thing to say and yes it may be being hard on you, it really frustrates me that u go out of your way to be nice to someone who doesn't give two ****s about u, but the person who loves u gets no support when things r rough for her, doesn't seem to make sense to me.

Me: You're right, that's not how it should be and I didn't mean to be so bad at offering you support this week. *I'm sorry baby...I really am. *I know I wasn't a great husband this week, and I wish I had done so many things differently for you

Wife: More than anything I wish u wud stop being a crutch for her, you are supposed to be my soft place to fall, but there is only room for one person and that spot is already taken.......sucks for me

Me: The spot is yours baby....I know I have failed at it some, but you are the woman I love and support and you and the only woman I will ever care about baby

Wife: You may want to take a look at ur actions and make sure they are lining up with what ur telling me, cuz from where I sit they don't, she still plays u like a puppet on a string and that infuriates me....oh well got to go to work and deal with the other stressors of my life


I also received a harsh email later that night saying she needed "space," and she didn't want to talk. I have several questions....first, am I missing what she's seeing in this situation? Was me calling the insurance company (since I had been required by the divorce decree to provide the insurance) such a huge slap in the face to my wife? What should my response to her be? Finally, I'm worried because I know in the past when we've had an issue like this, the "space" that she has referred to is usually filled with another guy in the country she's in. She didn't have a PA in the past there (I actually have proof that didn't happen) but it was definitely an EA, and she was the one pushing to make it a PA, and it was the guy who backed away. Things had been going really well between my wife and I after the EA for the past 2 months and I'm just worried about what's going on. Back when the EA was happening, she would get infuriated at the slightest drop of a hat, and part of me is worried thats what's going on here.

I don't know what to do, and I couldn't get an appointment to talk to the counselor i have met with in the past until next Friday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Less than a year married, both on your 2nd marraige and she has already had a EA at least once (to your knowledge) ?

I understand this is a snippit of your relationships with your W and XW, but the example you give in and of itself isn't in the ballpark of cause for her attitude and...

wait a minute... hold on, no long drawn out analysis...

your information is incomplete but...

Are you kidding? This smacks of disaster. After having already been through one D with a kid involved, how did you get yourself lined up for this?

Need more info...

Please explain more about other EA, and the reason for the honeymoon period separation? What else have you been doing to justify these comments about being a puppet for your X and having no room for new W ???


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I am assuming G is your child with the Ex and you are required to provide insurance.

If so your actions on behalf of your child was not "babying" your Ex in any way. It is a father looking out for the welfare of a child.

Your wife is way out of line here. 

But is she had and EA that she was pushing to go PA now she wants her "space", this is usually WS code for time to start pursuing OM. Big red flag here. Could be she never got over the OM and she is just looking for something to argue about thereby giving her a reason to contact him again - if she ever stopped.

If you have anyway of snooping a little, this might be the time to do it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She doesn't like hearing about your kids?

Yea, this won't last. Sorry. She sounds awful.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sigh.... Europeans.


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## phoenixmountainman (Apr 5, 2012)

To add some info, the initial living apart is due to military assignments....her being assigned overseas. And yes, G is my son with my ex. 

As for the EA, the second month she was out of the country it was a disaster. She would blow up at the slightest thing and was just in a perpetual bad mood at me. Finally, all of a sudden one day last fall it all changed and she was back to her old loving self. I went over there to visit about a month later and I started snooping in her phone cause I just had that feeling in the pit of my stomcach that things hadn't been good during that bad month. Sure enough I see she had been texting with a guy there and she had been talking about hookiig up with him. The change in her happened when his wife and son moved there with him....almost to the day that she started being nicer to me. I continued to snoop over the next few months and confirmed that the guy had largely backed away and that there was no PA.

As for my relationship with my ex....I used to be a serious mr nice guy and it's something I've spent the past year trying to flush out of my system
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You need to keylog the sh!t out of her computer access. Do you have remote access?. Look like she wants to guilt you about something. Even without the infidelity issues, I would have called you pu$$y whipped. Her rant was totally irrational(with the context you provided)


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why'd you get married?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Have you confronted her about the prior EA? Why did you stay married to this disaster? Not every OM would be so decent.


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## phoenixmountainman (Apr 5, 2012)

We got married because she had been the most loving, caring person I had ever met. It's like she's often a different person when she's away though....so mean that sometimes I think she could seed dying in the street and not only would she walk over me without a care in the world, then she'd come back and kick me for being in her way.

I did confront her about the EA. she was actually humble and seemed incredibly remorseful (perhaps I just got played). Things were great for some time after I confronted her, until now.

I would key log her but she only uses an iPad. I wish I could have installed spyware on her cellphone there but it's a foreign, prepaid non smart phone....as far as I could find, I was out of luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phoenixmountainman (Apr 5, 2012)

Oh and the OM isn't decent....or at least wasn't decent. 37 years old, married 5 times, a kid with each of them and cheated l
On all of them. According to my wife he has been hooking up with other women there, he's just taming down some afraid that he will lose his only son with his current wife
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Yes, you got played, she's awful, your kids need your support and I'll bet a paycheck that she went full PA before boyfriend's wife showed up.


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## phoenixmountainman (Apr 5, 2012)

It's a long story but in my snooping I hacked the OM's Facebook account and one night from a different room started chatting with my wife as him. She confirmed that it was not a PA during that conversation
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

what a relief it must have been... /sarcasm


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## phoenixmountainman (Apr 5, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> what a relief it must have been... /sarcasm


Ughhh....I'd almost have rather had a one night, drunken PA, than having her be the one who tried to turn this into a PA with the OM
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

That aside, there was another poster SweetandSour. The way he described his wife exactly matches yours. She too was excessively caring person. Look at his thread. His marriage was a disaster. She had 6 or 7 affairs
Wait, I'll try to link up his thread.

And the poster was very passive, similar to how you are when the affairs were happening.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She doesn't sound loving to me. Anyone who gets jealous of kids is nuts.

It's your business to take care of your children. And you ex will be a part of that for a long time.


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## phoenixmountainman (Apr 5, 2012)

Part of what frustrates me is that I would understand a little her feelings about my kids and my ex if she didn't have any herself, but she does! I love her kids and they have regularly stayed with me while she's been gone and her ex and I have had a great working relationship in caring for the kids while she has been gone. And on top of that, she has an absolutely wonderful stepmom herself, so it's not like she doesn't know what one looks like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Pheonix....

Do you want straight forward honesty? 

We'd like to help you, I'm afraid that its going to sting like a MF and you'll want to rationalize the responses and duck for cover...

Your sitution, while still a small picture does not sound uncommon.. Don't over read it, it's pretty bad bro. There are things that many of us can confidently say about your new W and this situation, I think a picture has already been painted. 

Answer a few more questions and decide for yourself if you really want the naked truth about this. It's not going to be good... 

Have you cheated, other than your W's EA are there is there any other infidelity in your marraige(s)? 

Can you be a little more specific what you were apologizing for in your texts? She sounded pissed and you backed down and accepted reponsibility... What did you do?

Also... a question which is very important here... What do you want ? and in the pit of _your_ stomach, can you see this turning out well ?


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## phoenixmountainman (Apr 5, 2012)

The EA has been the only infidelity.

I was apologizing because she had been having a bad week and sometimes that can make her not very friendly. I let that get to me and got a little needy with wanting to hear her say 'I love you' and questioning her on why she was being so unfriendly to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phoenixmountainman (Apr 5, 2012)

As for what I want....I want the woman I fell in love with and I want her to get out of the Army because it seems like the people in it support this kind of behavior and it seems to be the norm
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

phoenixmountainman said:


> I was apologizing because she had been having a bad week and sometimes that can make her not very friendly. I let that get to me and got a little needy with wanting to hear her say 'I love you' and questioning her on why she was being so unfriendly to me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So you were apologizing and accepting the bad husband role because you were seeking reassurance, affection, and companionship from your newlywed wife.. This is after she was a cold b*tch to you ? and after her affair right ??



phoenixmountainman said:


> As for what I want....I want the woman I fell in love with and I want her to get out of the Army because it seems like the people in it support this kind of behavior and it seems to be the norm
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And yes, when you said this earlier (military) it helped start painting the picture more clearly.... The military is sesspool of infidelity.


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## phoenixmountainman (Apr 5, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> So you were apologizing and accepting the bad husband role because you were seeking reassurance, affection, and companionship from your newlywed wife.. This is after she was a cold b*tch to you ? and after her affair right ??


Uggghhh....I hate to admit it, but yes to all of your questioms
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phoenixmountainman (Apr 5, 2012)

This is the email I got last night

Your right I am frustrated because many times when it comes to dealing
with her, and I am not just talking about getting G his meds, but MANY
other times you treat her better than you treat me. She doesn't have
to stand on her own two feet cuz she always has you there to do
whatever she needs. You seem to be more understanding with her than
you do with me. She can call you and treat you like ****, say things
to you that no one should say to another indivuidual but then all she
has to do is call and ask for something and you are right there to
help her. I thought I was the one you were married to now and that you
should be there for me, not that I need anything or much from you but
understanding. I try to not talk down to you or say things what would
hurt your feelings yet when I have a rough week and things are going
great for me you get all needy and act like I am freakin the worst
person in the world. I think I would be safe in saying that you never
acted like that with her. maybe because you knew it would fall on def
ears but I think more cuz you don't stand up to her and let her know
that she is being mean or hurting your feelings. You are supposed to
be there for me, my safe place to fall when the world around me seems
to be closing in on me, but instead that place is already taken by
her. And I feel like all i get is **** for having a rough week. It has
been hard for you to cut your ties with her and some of that is
understandable since yall have kids together but in other areas you
are still her puppet on a string. When she says jump, all you say is
how high. Instead of saying **** you and your jumping I don't have to
answer to you any more. As you can see this **** with her really
frustrates me, I guess that is one of the reasons I don't ask about
your kids much, cuz most of the time I have to hear about how you
bailed her out of a situation or what you had to do for her. The thing
is that you don't have to do **** for her anymore, you CHOOSE to. More
than ever, I need some space right now. But more than that I need you
to be there for ME, not for her. That is all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

So is there truth in her e-mail?

The needing space thing is bad


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

My friend, I'm almost at a loss for words....

Please don't take this wrong, your not a reformed nice guy. Your a door mat. She is manipulating the sh*t out of you. 

I don't know what to tell you that will wake you up or motivate you. It sounds like you are comfortable in the role your playing. How and why you don't see this train wreck barrelling down on you doesn't make any sense.


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## phoenixmountainman (Apr 5, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> My friend, I'm almost at a loss for words....
> 
> Please don't take this wrong, your not a reformed nice guy. Your a door mat. She is manipulating the sh*t out of you.
> 
> I don't know what to tell you that will wake you up or motivate you. It sounds like you are comfortable in the role your playing. How and why you don't see this train wreck barrelling down on you doesn't make any sense.


I'm well aware I'm not reformed. I'm actually trying to work on it because I do see the train wreck and I don't want any part of that. I'm actually looking to change this if it isn't too late here
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

well...

Having a phoenix pep-rally, getting you all fired up and putting words in your mouth that you might spew out half heartedly isn't going to do a bit of good if it's not you and it's just not in you to stand up for yourself and see what's happening.. 

This is going to take a monumental change in you and the dynamic of your relationship to pull it off...

It sounds like she's very manipulative and the alpha in your relationship. You sound goo-goo (see also: beta, codependant?) over her right now, this is just going to have to play out further and your going to need to take some vicous licks before you get sick of it and wake up...

or

Call down the thunder and do your best to hold on to it long enough to change the tides... 

I have to be honest, and take this for what it's worth... it's an opinion. I don't think your going to save this situation, you might manage it for who knows how long but we are talking about EPIC red flags, and serious character flaws from her that arent going to change easily or at all...

Have you read "no more mr. nice guy?" yet?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How true are her allegations that you are too nice to your ex? Do you do a lot of work for her? Can you ask her for examples. Your replies seem to agree with her. Does it mean you agree with her or are you avoiding an argument?


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## phoenixmountainman (Apr 5, 2012)

My ex and I live 600 miles apart and have for the past 16 months. Previously when we lived closer (right when my wife and I started dating) I was way too nice and did too much. Since we've lived so far apart I've only seen her probably 6 times and that was simply to pick up the kids for time with me and then drop them off. 5 mins around her, max. It's just that my wife gets infuriated if my phone rings and it's my ex (and it's not like we talk on the phone; it is always just something for the kids). I did take **** from my ex in the past and I will admit that, but I really havent in nearly the past year.

I'm actually reading No More Mr Nicr Guy now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

phoenixmountainman said:


> It's a long story but in my snooping I hacked the OM's Facebook account and one night from a different room started chatting with my wife as him. She confirmed that it was not a PA during that conversation
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course. Cheaters never lie. :ezpi_wink1:

Sheesh...


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## phoenixmountainman (Apr 5, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Of course. Cheaters never lie. :ezpi_wink1:
> 
> Sheesh...


I think you're misunderstanding me. She thought I was the OM chatting with her. She made several comments about how she wished they would have had a PA. I trust it because she thought she was just talking with the OM
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

phoenixmountainman said:


> I think you're misunderstanding me. She thought I was the OM chatting with her. She made several comments about how she wished they would have had a PA. I trust it because she thought she was just talking with the OM
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh. Well, then do you doubt her intentions? She's sandbagging you brother. She is a manipulative cheat. Why are you so accomodating to her?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

phoenixmountainman said:


> My ex and I live 600 miles apart and have for the past 16 months. Previously when we lived closer (right when my wife and I started dating) I was way too nice and did too much. Since we've lived so far apart I've only seen her probably 6 times and that was simply to pick up the kids for time with me and then drop them off. 5 mins around her, max. It's just that my wife gets infuriated if my phone rings and it's my ex (and it's not like we talk on the phone; it is always just something for the kids). I did take **** from my ex in the past and I will admit that, but I really havent in nearly the past year.
> 
> I'm actually reading No More Mr Nicr Guy now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, so your a nice guy and maybe some parts of all of the things I mentioned (beta/co-D/passive)... and there isn't really anything wrong with having _some_ of those qualities... To some women out there you are a perfect match, she would love and cherish some of these qualities. These women are using them to take advantage of you, and you allow them too.

Remember that, they only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. You are enabling this dynamic. 

Finish reading "No more mr nice guy" its a start, also look up what a 180 is... (can someone please post link?)....

Regardless of how hard this train hits the wall and how soon, these things are going to be a great start for you. 

Please listen to some of the good people here, we would like to help and there is a wealth of knowledge here... your not alone, but your in a bad spot. Lots of work to be done. You need to try to wrestle the "pants" back from your W, and she won't be giving them up easily.

JMHO. good luck.


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## phoenixmountainman (Apr 5, 2012)

Just got this:

This week, come on its not just this week, it's every time things don't go the way you want them to, well guess what, you don't have to worry about things not going well with me here cuz I don't ****in want to talk to you anymore and if I cud go back in time I wud have never married you, there Otha's how I really feel

And I don't care if I hurt your feelings cuz you don't care about mine

I am taking my ring off and the pendant, I hate you right now, but who knows you want to be all buddy buddy with Your ex now that you have a gud paying job again she might take you back, you obviously like the way she treats you and talks to you, must like it to deal with her ****, guess I just wasn't gud enough*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

That was easy.

Write back, "Ok".


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Well, she's borderline illiterate.... that much is apparent.

She also sounds like shes batsh*t crazy.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Are you arguing over text?


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## phoenixmountainman (Apr 5, 2012)

She won't hardly ever talk on the phone....all she wants to do is text
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Is she 12?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sounds like she may have found a guy over there and she is justifying it by stiring this up with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I think she might have BPD.


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## phoenixmountainman (Apr 5, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Sounds like she may have found a guy over there and she is justifying it by stiring this up with you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Unfortunately that may be a very real possibility. I also know she is struggling with severe depression and refuses to get help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

michzz said:


> Cut your losses. Divorce her immediately.
> 
> Not even worth the hassle.


He's absolutely right the best thing you can do is file, immediately.

Listen to shaggy, I guarantee you she is stirring up sh*t to get a rise out of you to make herself feel better about doing what she wants to do. She needs it to be your fault that she's done these things and continues to do them. She is cheating because you are hung up on your ex. Its Laughable, but right on script.

That_girl is right on, just reply "ok" 

And

Run Phoenix Run!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

That email was evil. She won't talk to you on phone. 

She obviously believes you still love your ex. Do you?

I think you just go dark now. No communication at all. 

About you..
The person you are waiting for, that caring wonderful and delicious woman has gone, because she was never there. 
Think back..
Is the world centred around her desires and wants?
Is she capable of seeing the world through somebody else's eyes?
She sees your child as a threat to the relationship. Why?

Here is my $0.02. 
I think you never dealt with the possibility that you are the victim of a narcissist and jumped straight into a new marriage with another one. They are very attractive when you first meet them!

Go to see a psychologist. Look at yourself. Ask yourself some hard questions. I spent a month on my couch coming to horrible realisation after horrible realisation


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## phoenixmountainman (Apr 5, 2012)

We'll see if this softens her heart at all . I just got back from the dentist this morning and there was a tumor in my mouth and I have to go in for emergency oral surgery in about 4 hours to have it removed. I've sent her an email telling her the situation (given our time difference, she's sleeping now - I hope anyway - but we'll see if I hear anything back at all by the time I come out of surgery later today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

your hoping the women f*cking you over feels sorry for you and that softens her up?

Done.

If your not trolling, You should to consult a professional. 

Best wishes.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Pit, as usual, communicates truth with the utmost direct eloquence.

OP, you are the ultimate doormat. Gee, maybe if I get hurt she'll feel bad and apologize to me. Are you f*cking kidding?

The ex-factor (pun intended) is one of the major reasons 2nd marriages have a much worse success rate than 1st marriages. And you both are on your 2nd. Justified or not, she is totally insecure of your ex, always has been (lemme guess, your ex is hotter than your current W?), and to save face, she is finding other guy(s) and playing up your feelings for ex as justification.

Case closed.


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## phoenixmountainman (Apr 5, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Pit, as usual, communicates truth with the utmost direct eloquence.
> 
> OP, you are the ultimate doormat. Gee, maybe if I get hurt she'll feel bad and apologize to me. Are you f*cking kidding?
> 
> ...


Actually, while I would assume that in most situations, your analysis is correct, in this one it isn't the case. My current wife is absolutely beautiful (something I remind her of daily). As for who is more attractive, her or my ex, it isn't even close....honestly, they aren't even in the same ballpark, my wife would win every time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Beauty is skin deep. What about the inside? Is she as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside? From your comments, the answer seems quite clear, no.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Phoenix,

Your marriage has a lot of issues. None that can be solved while you guys are on 2 continents.

Your wife is not coping well with the separation.

EA she tried to turn into a PA.
Depression
Hostility towards you, your kids and your Ex.

Unless you can get on a plane and talk face to face (and it might be too late already) I think your wife words and actions signify your marriage is over.

All you can do is tell her if she wants not to wear her wedding ring and pursue other men then you will mail her the D papers. Hell, you might qualify for an annullment.

There is not much else you can do.

Your wife needs counselling in the worst way and telling her you have a tumor and need surgery will just make you look weak right now.

Good Luck with the surgery and let us know how you make out.

HM64'


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

hey, hope the operation went well. Take care


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## phoenixmountainman (Apr 5, 2012)

Surgery went fine, and I'm just waiting another 2 weeks for the biopsy results.

I really debated whether or not to even tell my wife about the surgery. I finally called her mom and told her, and told her about the battles, and everything. I even showed her some of the texts and emails. She was just as dumbfounded as me. She strongly suggested I at the very least send a text to let my wife know what was going on with the surgery. I sent the text (it was in the middle of the night where my wife was). Within less than 5 minutes, she called and was extremely nice and loving and caring. I took it all with a little bit of a grain of salt though, that things could so quickly change. After we got off the phone, she apparently called her mom, and they had a lengthy conversation (her mom told me later). She said that she had been fighting with me about "stupid stuff" and that everything going on with the tumor and all helped put things in perspective for her and she realized she didn't want to live a day without me. It's been 5 days since the surgery. I don't want to say things are back to "normal," but she has continued to be pretty loving, and making a point of telling me how blessed she feels to be married to me. I don't want to sweep everything that's happened to this point under the rug and just forget about it. However, and perhaps I'm completely wrong about this...I hesitate at the benefit of trying to hash through it until 2.5 months from now when she's back home, and we can do it face to face. Am I crazy for thinking that?


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