# Can't bring myself to have sex w/ my husband.



## wonderingwife (Nov 24, 2009)

My husband and I have been having problems for a few months now. We try to work things out, (been married 23 years), but now it seems we have both given up. I'm tired of sacrificing and he's tired of fighting.
We have major trust issues because of his lies. He is a workaholic. He's a Christian, so he says. In church when he's up on the pulpit helping is Dad preach he sounds so wonderful, everyone things he the perfect husband/father. 
But at home...it's a whole different story.

Right now he is furious because Monday morning I refused to have sex w/ him. I've never refused him. I was still upset about his childish comment on Saturday night. He found me on the computer after he was in the shower and said, "You are always on the computer, if you love it so much..why don't you marry it. Stupid."
First...the word stupid is so degrading. And the comment about marrying it...is so juvenile. 
He then proceeded to unplug the internet modem. I went to bed...in the guest room.

I also feel like he hasn't tried to satisfy me in a long time. It's all about him. PLUS...he can't hold his erection very long, so that doesn't give me a chance to climax. He is taking high blood pressure meds and has high cholesterol, we are both in our 40's. 
I'm frustrated, hurt, and angry. I don't trust him, therefore I don't want to sleep with him.

So right now, he's still being ridiculously childish, which only pushes me away more....for example, he went to bed at 9pm, I didn't go to bed til' 10:30pm, but when I get to my bedroom, the door is locked. Fine...I go the guest room, I love sleeping in there.
Then...when he gets up for work at 4:30 he turns on all the lights except for kids' rooms, leaves them all on and leaves for work. He's never done this before. Til' now that he's mad.
This morning, I found a project I've been working on scattered on the floor. 

I feel like he's a 17 yr. old boy in a 40 yr. old body. He's always been hot headed and I guess now at my age, I'm sick of it. Especially since he gets up on church and preaches to people about how to live. And yes, I've tried talking to him about it, but he's NEVER wrong...it's always me. 

Will he ever grow up, or do I just give up?

Thanks for reading.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Your husband does sound childish. 

He is not good at communicating. 

I don't think he practices what he reads from the Bible. 

Do you spend a lot of time on the computer? If you do, you have to examine yourself too, he was frustrated with you. 

But the way he acted was very childish, it is difficult to respect a man like this!


----------



## wonderingwife (Nov 24, 2009)

greenpearl said:


> Your husband does sound childish.
> 
> He is not good at communicating.
> 
> ...



I agree, when he's mad, he's irrational and at times verbally abusive. 

I don't spend alot of time on the computer when he is home. I read it for about an hour in the morning and that's it. 
That night I was checking my email and reading a headline news story. 
I never sit on the computer and ignore him. In fact, I was on the computer while he was in the shower because we were supposed to watch a movie together. But after his comment, I didn't want to be around him.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

wonderingwife said:


> I agree, when he's mad, he's irrational and at times verbally abusive.
> 
> I don't spend alot of time on the computer when he is home. I read it for about an hour in the morning and that's it.
> That night I was checking my email and reading a headline news story.
> I never sit on the computer and ignore him. In fact, I was on the computer while he was in the shower because we were supposed to watch a movie together. But after his comment, I didn't want to be around him.


One hour a day isn't much. 

I spend many hours a day on the computer!  I have a lot of time. 

I have been reading posts here, when men are being rejected for sex, they become very upset. I guess that was your husband's reaction. Providing sex can really work magic on men, lacking sex can also drive men away. I don't know if you want to drive your man away or not. 

But is leaving an answer? 

Do you guys still have hope? 

Will seeking professional help work?


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

wonderingwife said:


> I agree, when he's mad, he's irrational and at times verbally abusive.
> 
> I don't spend alot of time on the computer when he is home. I read it for about an hour in the morning and that's it.
> That night I was checking my email and reading a headline news story.
> I never sit on the computer and ignore him. In fact, I was on the computer while he was in the shower because we were supposed to watch a movie together. But after his comment, I didn't want to be around him.


ONe of you needs to start communicating to diffuse this. I agree, he is acting very childish, but even here you admit a movie was planned for the both of you & you decided to just push that aside due to his comment. Yeah, he is being an A** but sometimes us spouses tend to do this, better to call each other on it, even a little spat is better than the avoiding games some seem to take part in when their feelings are hurt. This is SOOO much worse, now you are in silent Treatment /Avoidance mode. 

Realize his comment was due to wanting to spend time with you, he spoke out of his WANT to be with you, but it came across more as anger in the moment. Which set you off. This could have been handled in such better ways, on both sides accually. You could have stayed & waited for him & let him know that the comment HURT. Most likely he would have apologized- or do you think not? Sometimes we have to diffuse our partners when they get antsy, excited, speak out of their butts. We're all human, even the Preacher's son --if that is what he is. 

All of these things he is doing now, locking the door, throwing your project all over the floor, this is screaming you both need to communicate, but you are both letting your pride prevent that from happening. 

It sounds like you are feeling alot of resentment over his being a selfish Lover, all about him, not trying to please you in a long time. Have you tried to talk to him about this, what you need /desire from him, or you have let this go -being afraid this conversation will hurt him -because of his medical issues ? Can he take Viagra ? 

It is very important to share how you are feeling -not in a blaming way -such as "YOU never do this right " or other accusing "YOU" statements, but more statements starting with "I would love it if you do this______" or "Do you remember when_______" "I love when you touch me like this", etc. 

Or has he blatently ignored your suggestions ?


----------



## wonderingwife (Nov 24, 2009)

Thank you for the input. Yesterday I tried diffusing the situation by being civil when he called. He told me he was only working 1/2 day and coming home. 
I told him our daughter was home sick..(that was a hint for him to behave!) She came home w/ a stomach virus. 
I had a dr.'s appt after lunch and I had told him about it. Well, by the time I got back from the dr. he was angry again. 


**The night I was on the internet I did it while he was in the shower so it wouldn't interfere w/ our movie time. But after he made that comment, I was too angry to be around him.** 

I felt like he was treating me like I was a kid, when I told him this he said, "Well then...grow up!"
This after HE made the comment that I should "marry the computer". 


This morning he called to ask about the kids, and then he asked if I wanted to join him for lunch. And no, it's not because he wants to spend time w/ me. Its because he wants to make sure he knows where I am and what I am doing today. I know his game. I told him I had alot to do...so he started yelling at me that I needed to grow up and I was an internet freak. 

I told calmly that he really needed to grow up if we were ever gonna work things out. I said this because this morning, again...he left every light one, scattered clutter all over our kitchen counter, and then again, texted me to marry the computer. 

How can I wanna be with a man that acts like this?


And yes....I have suggested things that he could do to please me, and I have told him, "I love the way your hands feel in mine, I remember when you used to hold my hand."....it works one time, and then he forgets. 

I have a major headache...so for today, I just pray for God's protection and peace for the day.


----------

