# Sticking around for "financial" reasons?



## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

So I know a lot of times women do hang onto their marriages because of the fact their husbands make the majority of the money, and there are kids involved and they want them to have a good life. But in my case it's my wife who makes a ton of money and I make a very minimal salary(about $37,000 a year), and when we met I was living in a small apartment on the brink of bankruptcy with bad credit and making less than I do now. But since then I went back to school and got a better job and she helped me fix my credit & get back on my feet somewhat, and because of what she makes we live in a pretty nice house on a private lake and have everything we need pretty much. Only problem is that the marriage has gone to hell and needs a lot of fixing, and I admit that one of the big reasons I have hung on is because of the "lifestyle" she has introduced me to that I never had previously. So am I wrong for doing this even though a lot of others(with or without kids)have done the same thing?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Is the 'stuff' worth the stress and pain you suffer? It depends on what you place your value on. Yourself or what you own.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well you didn't marry for money I assume

but if you think you can't save the marriage and choose to stay purely for the posh lifestyle it provides and would have divorced a women who made the same or less then you are most certainly being a gold bricker


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

You make marriage sound like a business transaction, not good. 

I'd rather be happy and poor then married and sad. Your letting a real life pass you by. Your missing out on the BEST part of being married. Intimacy, partnership, sharing, cooperation, loving environment are all things that make your WHOLE life successful, man your missing out, but you sure look good in that new car.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I'm not gonna pass judgement on you but I would not be able to feel like a man if this was my life. How's your self esteem doing?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I think wrong is a strong word in your case. It's not like she adores you and you are just using her for money meaning you don't love her. I know a man in this situation and in his case I think he is wrong.

Your wife however is kinda well....mean. Therefore I think she is getting what she deserves and I say more power to you if you're okay with it. Personally I'd rather be broke and happy than rich and miserable but that's me. You may feel differently and that's okay. Comes down to what matters most to you.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Thumper said:


> You make marriage sound like a business transaction, not good.


I personally think marriage (and every other relationship) truly IS a business transaction of sorts. We continue to do business with people who provide something that meets needs we have, and we draw apart from those who don't. The people who love us benefit from the relationship, and when there is no benefit they will not stay in relationship with us.

So I'd say it's acceptable to stay for whatever reason you want to stay if you're okay with it and so is she. 

On the other hand, if you think you're selling yourself short, then you may be betraying yourself. 

As an example, I loved doing business with USAA. They provide financial services and insurance to military members and their families. I would say I was very, very loyal to them at one time. I loved that I was able to get low rates on my insurance, my claims were processed quickly, and they provided polite, professional customer support. 

Today, I am reluctant to do business with them. Although I still get good rates on car insurance, I believe the way they rate my homeowner insurance is outright fraudulent. When I was pending a divorce, but not yet divorced, they cut off all access to information about our homeowner and car insurance because it was in my then-husband's name, and they would not provide info I needed to file my taxes without a power of attorney from him that required him to get one prepared and sent to me from overseas. The only reason I am still with them at all is that the car insurance rate is lower. It would not take much for me to leave, but the reverse is also true. If they suddenly improved the experiences I had, I'd become loyal again. 

I think my relationships have been the same way. Toward the end, there might be something that keeps us hanging on, and sooner or later something's going to tip the balance toward leaving or staying.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

We didnt seem to have any problems until my wife changed jobs and starfed making good money. Now Im not that imporfant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

I'm kind of in the same boat. we both work, she does slightly better than me.

but i stick around becasue it seems like the price of going to war for a divorce, the devistation it will bring the kids, the fact i KNOW the grass isnt greener with someone else, just isnt worth it all.

the trouble is, through all my issues with her, (she cheated), i have totally lost respect and love for her. she's trying to change but i dont really consider it sincere. 

sounds like your wife who found a new love of herself when she starrted doing well at work. mine basically did the same thing, and ended up sleeping with a client and a lenghty affair i was blind to. we went to counseling, i was told to accept this new "grown up" woman, and she went with that.

we seperated for a year. she found out I was seeing someone else and her attitude changed, instantly. now its all about the marriage. the trouble is, i believe she just wants to slowy go back to the same thing.

so i'm just cruising along, taking things in stride, and letting things fall where they inevitably will.

best of luck to you.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

As much as I want to tell you to hang in there just to even out all the women who do the same, my principles can not allow it.

It's just as wrong for a man to use a woman as a wallet.

Be honest, let her know your thoughts. She has the right to make an informed decision on her marriage.


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## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

Cee Paul said:


> Only problem is that the marriage has gone to hell and needs a lot of fixing, and I admit that one of the big reasons I have hung on is because of the "lifestyle" she has introduced me to that I never had previously. So am I wrong for doing this even though a lot of others(with or without kids)have done the same thing?


Are you wrong for sticking with your wife because she keeps you in fancy digs and shiny new cars? Depends. 

Is that the only reason you stick around? You say it's a big reason, but what are the other ones? 

You admit your marriage needs fixing, what are you doing to fix it? 

I make significantly more money than my husband because my career is extremely important to me (not more than my marriage, of course) my husband does not share my career goals. But, we married at a time where we were both totally broke, lacking career prospects and living in a tiny apartment, barely making ends meet. The fact your wife helped you fix your credit and stand on your own feet is really a big deal on both sides; she cared enough to help you become financially stable, you cared enough to learn how to do it. We've had a lot of fights about money in our house (and, I hate to admit, in one particularly horrible fight over buying a car, I played the "I make more money than you!!" card...hands down, the WORST thing I've ever said to my husband...downright dirty and spent a long time making up for it...ugh, disgusted just thinking about it) but, money aside...is there anything worth saving?

And, just to throw this out there...if you really wanna leave, you could probably do what many women in your situation do...ask for alimony. (I don't advocate this, I'm just saying it's an option.)


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> ... I admit that one of the big reasons I have hung on is because of the "lifestyle" she has introduced me to that I never had previously. So am I wrong for doing this even though a lot of others(with or without kids)have done the same thing?


It doesn't really matter what "others" do, does it? The last excuse you offered for staying past your due date was your wife had "mellowed" after your sister-in-law (I believe that is who it was) died.

Now, it's the lifestyle.

I'm gotta be downright blunt here. You are manufacturing excuses to stay in a crappy marriage. Period.

You don't want to leave. Again, period. That's fine. But if you are going to stay, quit coming up with an excuse to do so, and just suck up the way your wife is.

Because complaining she's a beyotch, your marriage stinks, and coming up with yet another excuse is getting you nowhere fast.

If you really wanted to leave, living in a small apartment, living with roommates, or whatever, wouldn't even be an issue.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

What's fair for the goose is fair for the gander. Ride that fat paycheck like a stolen mule! If you had a vagina nobody would bat an eye. Get her to buy you something pretty. They wanted equality. This is what it looks like.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I didn't stay for many years in the marriage I'm ending because I was in love with my lifestyle. The presence of all of that never made me happy and I won't miss any of it once I'm gone. I'm seriously downsizing my life, by choice, when I leave and few "things" from my present life are going along. I'm downsizing my car as well because it's expensive to maintain. Something more reasonable will suit me just fine in the future.

So if you are staying for the lifestyle (house, car, boat, trips, possessions), I don't recommend it.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Thound said:


> We didnt seem to have any problems until my wife changed jobs and starfed making good money. Now Im not that imporfant.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Interesting Thound. I have posted my story in coping With Infidelity already but once again someone's comments elsewhere flicks a switch. I'm now wondering if it is only a coincidence that the "It wasn't an affair!!" started 3 months after she started the new higher paid position.:scratchhead:


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> well you didn't marry for money I assume
> 
> but if you think you can't save the marriage and choose to stay purely for the posh lifestyle it provides and would have divorced a women who made the same or less then you are most certainly being a gold bricker


When we first married she made $18,000 less than she does now and was not in a management position either like she is now, and to be honest I had no idea what she made in the beginning and neither one of us talked about finances(or lack of in my case)until after a few months of serious dating. And no money is not the only reason I have stuck around but it's at least 50% of the reason.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> And no money is not the only reason I have stuck around but it's at least 50% of the reason.


Then how about focusing solely on you. Why do YOU stay? Forget about her going mellow for awhile, or making a salary that enables you to live a comfortable lifestyle.

From my perspective, at this point it is about you. You can leave if you so desire, but if you choose to stay, at least be crystal clear as to why you make that decision.

Your life. Your choices.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Then how about focusing solely on you. Why do YOU stay? Forget about her going mellow for awhile, or making a salary that enables you to live a comfortable lifestyle.
> 
> From my perspective, at this point it is about you. You can leave if you so desire, but if you choose to stay, at least be crystal clear as to why you make that decision.
> 
> Your life. Your choices.


Oh I think we all have our own best interest in mind at some point and look out for #1, because if we don't then WHO else will 100% of the time?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

That's a simple calculation.

You use the income-adjusted score instead of the ten point scale. Multiply income times her ten point scale number.

So for example if she is an 8 and earns 50K then her income-adjusted score is 400. If she is a 5 and earns 100K then her adjusted score is 500. A 10 who doesn't have a job is a zero income-adjusted score. 

I went with a 10 and no job so I'm pretty much a loser on the income-adjusted score basis.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> That's a simple calculation.
> 
> You use the income-adjusted score instead of the ten point scale. Multiply income times her ten point scale number.
> 
> ...


Huuuh, who said or asked anything about points? :scratchhead:


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

At this point in time, my long-term marriage is a “financial partnership” only (we are mid 50’s with adult children). Neither of us can be said to be leeching off of the other because we both had successful careers and contributed more or less equally financially. My H has been “doing a 180” (more or less) on the marriage since year 3 and, recently I decided to give up trying to reengage him so at this point we are living independent lives. For me it makes financial sense to stay because of the legal battle (and cost) that would result from splitting our assets.

*This type of situation can work however I believe it can only work if you have a low-conflict relationship with your spouse and, if you let go of the desire to “work on the marriage”.* If you cannot do that then the stress of the resulting situation can do damage to your health in the long-term. Another factor to consider is the fact that both spouses are susceptible to affairs in this type of marriage. You also must remember that at any time your spouse may decide to initiate a divorce for their own reasons, thereby terminating the “financial partnership”.

If you think you can peacefully cohabitate then I see nothing wrong in doing this.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

I think that children and finances are the two main reasons that keep people from divorcing. That can be a good thing if they stay together and work out some of the issues that lead to divorce.

A caring relationship like a husband and wife is strongly desired by most people. When that relationship “has gone to hell and needs a lot of fixing” you have several choices.

1	You can try and fix the hell.
2	You can separate or divorce
3	You can tolerate the absence of a caring relationship for the other perks that the relationship has

You did not tell us if you think that you two can fix the hell. That is the best option for many especially if you have children.

Are you wrong for staying in the relationship for the money? You are not wrong but you will have to determine if the money perks outweigh the hell that you stated. 

I would not want to be dependant on my wife for my financial desires. I would feel that I lost some of my independence and some of my manhood. This is just my opinion and may not be relevant to you. Every man is different.


If my wife was staying with me just for the money and our life was hell I would find a way out of the relationship. I can get a prostitute to stay with me for money and she can leave whan I want her to.


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

Cee Paul said:


> So I know a lot of times women do hang onto their marriages because of the fact their husbands make the majority of the money, and there are kids involved and they want them to have a good life. But in my case it's my wife who makes a ton of money and I make a very minimal salary(about $37,000 a year), and when we met I was living in a small apartment on the brink of bankruptcy with bad credit and making less than I do now. But since then I went back to school and got a better job and she helped me fix my credit & get back on my feet somewhat, and because of what she makes we live in a pretty nice house on a private lake and have everything we need pretty much. Only problem is that the marriage has gone to hell and needs a lot of fixing, and I admit that one of the big reasons I have hung on is because of the "lifestyle" she has introduced me to that I never had previously. So am I wrong for doing this even though a lot of others(with or without kids)have done the same thing?


 I guess it depends on how much you value your happiness. Would you just coexist together like roommates or would you continue to work on the marriage? If you stay, won't you feel like your missing out on a chance to find someone who you can have a connection with and mutual love and respect for each other? If I were to stay just for the money, I think I would grow more and more resentful over time.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

I know that in the end what makes us both happy will rule out, and I also know that a nice house and nice things do not replace happiness and peace of mind so I'm just enjoying it all......while it lasts.


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

I came from nothing. I can remember living in a tent at one point when I was a child. I went from nothing to a life of luxury. Yes, it would suck to lose it and it would be a huge adjustment but I kind of feel like I'm at advantage because I know I can survive either way.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Flygirl said:


> I came from nothing. I can remember living in a tent at one point when I was a child. I went from nothing to a life of luxury. Yes, it would suck to lose it and it would be a huge adjustment but I kind of feel like I'm at advantage because I know I can survive either way.


Yeah it would be from the outhouse to the penthouse and BACK to the outhouse for me I guess.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> So I know a lot of times women do hang onto their marriages because of the fact their husbands make the majority of the money, and there are kids involved and they want them to have a good life. But in my case it's my wife who makes a ton of money and I make a very minimal salary(about $37,000 a year), and when we met I was living in a small apartment on the brink of bankruptcy with bad credit and making less than I do now. But since then I went back to school and got a better job and she helped me fix my credit & get back on my feet somewhat, and because of what she makes we live in a pretty nice house on a private lake and have everything we need pretty much. Only problem is that the marriage has gone to hell and needs a lot of fixing, and I admit that one of the big reasons I have hung on is because of the "lifestyle" she has introduced me to that I never had previously. So am I wrong for doing this even though a lot of others(with or without kids)have done the same thing?



This is an interesting one because I've known folks to stay together for financial reasons and just because they didn't want to go through the hassle of divorce even without kids. I think that people will tolerate a loveless marriage as long as there is money and no abuse involved.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think most people stick around a 'not good' marriage because of a variety of reasons. Likely, no one reason would be enough to stay or to leave.

Reasons I am still married even though my marriage is 'not good':

1) Love my wife
2) Want my kids to have a 'together' family
3) Finances / Retirement
4) Fear of unknown (whether being single or finding someone else would be any better)
5) Age (feel I am too old to start over)

These things are in no particular order. Sometimes number 3 is the top reason I don't leave. Sometimes number 1 is the reason I stay.

Just had a great weekend with my wife. Going on a trip in May that we are both looking forward to. Right now, all is great. But I know that in 10 days or so, I will be wondering why I stay.


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## SalvageMyMarriage (Apr 6, 2013)

Try to work out your marriage if you truly still love her. Don't stay on a marriage because of the money. It will never work out in the longer term. 

All the best!


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

A few reasons why I have stayed in a bad verbally abusive marriage:

- hoping that the love, romance, and innocence we had the first 3 years comes back somehow.

- with no kids and being in my second marriage I am terrified of growing old *alone* if I walk away.

- the 8 years we have been together is the longest committment to anything I've ever had in my life.

- and......hate the thought of going back to a modest paycheck to paycheck lifestyle, which I lived for about 20 years before we met as well as growing up kind of poor.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Cee Paul said:


> A few reasons why I have stayed in a bad verbally abusive marriage:
> 
> - hoping that the love, romance, and innocence we had the first 3 years comes back somehow.
> 
> ...


We all have to live with the choices we make, obviously. The trick is not to regret them at the end of our lives and feel we have wasted the time we were given.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

My grandmother is 88. She has a 95 year old boyfriend who she's been with now for about 6 years. She's hardly growing old alone. You're not even a senior citizen. You can start over and have everything you wish to have, with a HEALTHY partner if you choose.

8 years huh? Well they were good for only 3 and you've spent more time in a bad relationship. If it were the other way around, maybe it would be worthy of a pat on the back, but hanging onto an abusive spouse doesn't earn anyone any brownie points. At this point your suffering is self inflicted.

Modest living is nothing to be ashamed of. You've heard the saying, more money, more problems. Well it's very true. It can't buy you happiness. The things that people will do for the almighty dollar is downright sickening.

You can live on these excuses as long as you choose to. Just don't complain about how you're being treated from here on out, because it's what you have committed to. You choose it. Every day.


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## Jntrs (Feb 13, 2013)

well if you divorce her you probably get some money "spousal support"

in my situation, we're separated, she makes ok money YET shes got a shopping problem which doesn't allow her to pay her bills on time, shes not used to pay for all the bills while im laughing my ass off, she made her bed now shes got to lay on it

if you were used to not having nothing, then it shouldnt be a problem going back to that, i understand that once you get used to a certain lifestyle you cant really go back to what you used to live like, but imho, i rather have nothing and have PEACE OF MIND


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

If someone wants to stick it out in a marriage for financial reasons, hoping the spouse will change for the better, for the kids, or any reason, I say fine.

But accept what IS, not what IF. People do change, but just as often they don't. If your wife continues to be an abusive shrew, then accept it for what it IS. 

Don't threaten to leave if you don't mean it. But if you stay, learn to accept what IS. I understand everyone has a need to vent, but to keep complaining about a partner's bad behaviors ... well, it doesn't change anything.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Cee Paul said:


> So I know a lot of times women do hang onto their marriages because of the fact their husbands make the majority of the money, and there are kids involved and they want them to have a good life. But in my case it's my wife who makes a ton of money and I make a very minimal salary(about $37,000 a year), and when we met I was living in a small apartment on the brink of bankruptcy with bad credit and making less than I do now. But since then I went back to school and got a better job and she helped me fix my credit & get back on my feet somewhat, and because of what she makes we live in a pretty nice house on a private lake and have everything we need pretty much. Only problem is that the marriage has gone to hell and needs a lot of fixing, and I admit that one of the big reasons I have hung on is because of the "lifestyle" she has introduced me to that I never had previously. So am I wrong for doing this even though a lot of others(with or without kids)have done the same thing?


Are you completely unhappy in the marriage? Could you support yourself and be happy if you got divorced? Are you just hanging on for the extra good lifestyle? 
If you are not happy in the marriage and don't see that changing even with some work then you have to decide. If you can't afford to leave at this time that is one thing, but if you just want the material stuff, that should tell you that you need to leave. But again, you have to decide if the marriage is worth saving or not first regardless of the money.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Jntrs said:


> well if you divorce her you probably get some money "spousal support"
> 
> in my situation, we're separated, she makes ok money YET shes got a shopping problem which doesn't allow her to pay her bills on time, shes not used to pay for all the bills while im laughing my ass off, she made her bed now shes got to lay on it
> 
> if you were used to not having nothing, then it shouldnt be a problem going back to that, i understand that once you get used to a certain lifestyle you cant really go back to what you used to live like, but imho, i rather have nothing and have PEACE OF MIND


No I would never leave and then try and collect alimony from her, because to me that is not fair that she busted her azz to get where she's at before she even met me, and then for me to wanna take some of that once we're divorced. Because it's not like she is the only culprit in this by no means, because I too contribute plenty of arguing and moments where I am a complete jerk to her for no reason sometimes.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Quote of CEE Paul
> A few reasons why I have stayed in a bad verbally abusive marriage:
> 
> - hoping that the love, romance, and innocence we had the first 3 years comes back somehow.


Can that be improved upon? What have you done to move in that direction?
If you and your wife gain in the areas of respect and love, most of your problems are over. I hope that you and your wife do that even if you have to get help.





> - with no kids and being in my second marriage I am terrified of growing old alone if I walk away.


The only think I know of that you can do is dedicate yourself to becoming a man that is not so consumed by fear and improve in areas that would bring back some of that love you spoke of.







> - the 8 years we have been together is the longest commitment to anything I've ever had in my life.


By what you have wrote you are close to 50 years old. I think that 8 years of commitment out of 50 maybe one of the reasons you are in the condition you are in.







> - and......hate the thought of going back to a modest paycheck to paycheck lifestyle, which I lived for about 20 years before we met as well as growing up kind of poor.


I have lived pay check to paycheck for over 35 years. If I am able to keep up my commitment to my work for another 5 years I will never have to live pay check to pay check again. Even if I do no make it another 5 years I can live social security check to social security check plus my pension. With that I can live a life of having all the necessities and once in a while a few luxuries. *A luxury for me is to be able to visit my daughter and her family that live 2000 miles away*.

My 60 year old house will be paid for in 3 years, I have two vehicles that are 6 and 11 years old, I have a computer and a cell phone, and I am very close to my family. *This is a result of me being committed to my job and my relationships for over 35 years and mostly by the grace of God.*

It seems that you have at least two options. They are:
1	Get back some or all of what you had in your first three years
2 Have you ever heard the statement of [/COLOR*]“…for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.”*

Both the above depend mostly on you.

I hope that you do not think that I am putting you down. I am giving what I think may help you however; I realize that I am not a politician and I speak bluntly.

Mr. Blunt


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

If things were switched, would you be okay with her sticking around just due to the lifestyle?



Cee Paul said:


> No I would never leave and then try and collect alimony from her, because to me that is not fair that she busted her azz to get where she's at before she even met me, and then for me to wanna take some of that once we're divorced. Because it's not like she is the only culprit in this by no means, because I too contribute plenty of arguing and moments where I am a complete jerk to her for no reason sometimes.


How do you think this differs from staying married so that you can enjoy the fruits of her busting her ass before she met you?


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> If things were switched, would you be okay with her sticking around just due to the lifestyle?
> 
> 
> 
> *How do you think this differs from staying married so that you can enjoy the fruits of her busting her ass before she met you*?


How it differs greatly is that I am here and *contributing* by helping with the laundry, cooking, cleaning, yard work, getting maintenance done on our vehicles(she always forgets), running a few errands here and there, and adding my paycheck with hers every month and using MY awesome health insurance from work.

_"If things were switched, would you be okay with her sticking around just due to the lifestyle?"_

No of course not, and if she knew about any of this she'd be heart broken and my butt would be asked to leave immediately.


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