# When Reconciliation is so bad that the wayward files for D



## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

So I just read a post on SI where one particular poster I loathe has decided that she's sick of being the victim of her husband's depression for the last 5 years. Mind you, this was after having multiple affairs with the SAME guy.

She has decided to file for divorce because she can't bear her husband's pathetic beta emasculated behavior anymore. A couple of months ago, Alyssamd24 also filed for divorce because she couldn't stand the fact that her husband was still bitter about her affair two years later.

I can't speak for betrayed wives but gentlemen, it's time to MAN UP! when your cheating wife is the one who files for divorce after begging you not to leave her, then you are one pathetic human being. 

I don't believe in staying married after the very foundation of the marriage has been broken, i.e. forsaking all others, so I won't speak on reconciliation.

My point is that she'll feel sorry for you only for so long. There are other fish in the sea. You just have to look.


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## BirdistheWord (Mar 30, 2016)

Why are you so preoccupied with SI?


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

BirdistheWord said:


> Why are you so preoccupied with SI?


Lol it's just more active than this place is all. One guy on reddit described it as an "addictive Latin American soap opera."


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I saw that one, it was called "My Happiness". Her choice of titles pretty much say's it all. There was only one response, and it was a prayer.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

metallicaluvr said:


> So I just read a post on SI where one particular poster I loathe has decided that she's sick of being the victim of her husband's depression for the last 5 years. Mind you, this was after having multiple affairs with the SAME guy.
> 
> She has decided to file for divorce because she can't bear her husband's pathetic beta emasculated behavior anymore. A couple of months ago, Alyssamd24 also filed for divorce because she couldn't stand the fact that her husband was still bitter about her affair two years later.
> 
> ...


Notice it is also under a stop sign...which is why the wayward section there is fvcking pathetic...also its not shocking that a cheater would be selfish..is it? 

But I also blame her husband for his own predicament- you give this cheater five years of your life? The beta is strong with that one..

Both these ladies need to be the victims of infidelity themselves that would straighten their crooked a$$es right out...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Decimated said:


> I saw that one, it was called "My Happiness". Her choice of titles pretty much say's it all. There was only one response, and it was a prayer.


That wayward forum is a cesspool..and the stop signs make it worse...with all there stupid online hugs and "sending strength"..


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

metallicaluvr said:


> I don't believe in staying married after the very foundation of the marriage has been broken, i.e. forsaking all others, so I won't speak on reconciliation.
> 
> My point is that she'll feel sorry for you only for so long. There are other fish in the sea. You just have to look.


So I'll speak on reconciliation, from my POV. After a physical affair, I'd have to be out of my mind to reconcile. Why? For the same reason you pointed out ... I'd never be able to forgive her, sleep with her again and would be carrying around resentment for the rest of my life, if I stayed married. For me, I'd have to move on, quickly, and after taking (or try to take) a pound of flesh with me.


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## Homer j (Jan 6, 2016)

The Middleman said:


> So I'll speak on reconciliation, from my POV. After a physical affair, I'd have to be out of my mind to reconcile. Why? For the same reason you pointed out ... I'd never be able to forgive her, sleep with her again and would be carrying around resentment for the rest of my life, if I stayed married. For me, I'd have to move on, quickly, and after taking (or try to take) a pound of flesh with me.


How long have/were you been married for, if I may ask?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> So I'll speak on reconciliation, from my POV. After a physical affair, I'd have to be out of my mind to reconcile. Why? For the same reason you pointed out ... I'd never be able to forgive her, sleep with her again and would be carrying around resentment for the rest of my life, if I stayed married. For me, I'd have to move on, quickly, and after taking (or try to take) a pound of flesh with me.


If you just look at the title of the thread "my happiness" that says it all..and in a lot of cases the wayward breaks sh!t and then leaves the mess behind hence I like your idea of the "pound of flesh" I totally get it...if you read SI's wayward section you wonder how anyone could be married to these folks let alone forgive their A...


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

Decimated said:


> I saw that one, it was called "My Happiness". Her choice of titles pretty much say's it all. There was only one response, and it was a prayer.


Waywards that have "found God" are the funniest goddamn people ever.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Notice it is also under a stop sign...which is why the wayward section there is fvcking pathetic...also its not shocking that a cheater would be selfish..is it?
> 
> But I also blame her husband for his own predicament- you give this cheater five years of your life? The beta is strong with that one..
> 
> Both these ladies need to be the victims of infidelity themselves that would straighten their crooked a$$es right out...


I agree. Both are scum I am against all cheating but I may have to put my blinders on when they get cheated on and then sit back and eat popcorn and watch them writhe in pain


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> I agree. Both are scum I am against all cheating but I may have to put my blinders on when they get cheated on and then sit back and eat popcorn and watch them writhe in pain


I might be a vindictive pr!ck but I have zero sympathy for a cheater who gets cheated on...and no patience for a cheater who whines about their "happiness" post affair discovery...

But in the case we are discussing the H should have taken his life back and stop giving his cheating wife so much power..he should have done WHATEVER and I mean WHATEVER he needed to do to feel better..I'd like to see how she takes being on te receiving end..not well I'd bet...

Read this article, @The Middleman you should read it too:

I had a revenge affair, but managed to find happiness with my cheating wife

The WW referred to her affair as an "ugly gift" but her husbands affair as a travesty - see how that works?

Let me know what you think....


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> If you just look at the title of the thread "my happiness" that says it all..and in a lot of cases the wayward breaks sh!t and then leaves the mess behind hence I like your idea of the "pound of flesh" I totally get it...if you read SI's wayward section you wonder how anyone could be married to these folks let alone forgive their A...



yeah. I will say this. I avoid the wayward section over there. It is easy to get in trouble if you are not one of them. However, many of the waywards over there are actually quite remorseful and very hard on the currently active waywards. So it is good to see when you see someone like the OP in the above referenced thread get their head taken off by fellow waywards who now know how badly they screwed up and can't stand waywards either


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> yeah. I will say this. I avoid the wayward section over there. It is easy to get in trouble if you are not one of them. However, many of the waywards over there are actually quite remorseful and very hard on the currently active waywards. So it is good to see when you see someone like the OP in the above referenced thread get their head taken off by fellow waywards who now know how badly they screwed up and can't stand waywards either


ALL of them there protect each other if a BS dare post something challenging... even the "remorseful" ones....


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I might be a vindictive pr!ck but I have zero sympathy for a cheater who gets cheated on...and no patience for a cheater who whines about their "happiness" post affair discovery...
> 
> But in the case we are discussing the H should have taken his life back and stop giving his cheating wife so much power..he should have done WHATEVER and I mean WHATEVER he needed to do to feel better..I'd like to see how she takes being on te receiving end..not well I'd bet...
> 
> ...


Man that is painful to read. 

My thoughts

1) She is a tramp and unrepentant cheat and yet feels she can go and cheat but he can't. And you wonder why so many people are afraid to get married.

2) he is a POS. She broke him so what did he do ? Go out and bang someone else's wife. he is trailer trash too

3) Then they decide to do an open marriage ? yeah that freaking works NOT !!!!!

4) This is one example of two people who are human excrement who shouldn't have kids and if they weren't with each other, or even if they are, they are predators. Open marriage people are often predators. Scorned open marriage people are even worse

Thanks for the link, I think vbg. I want to puke thinking of these two


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I might be a vindictive pr!ck but I have zero sympathy for a cheater who gets cheated on...and no patience for a cheater who whines about their "happiness" post affair discovery...
> 
> But in the case we are discussing the H should have taken his life back and stop giving his cheating wife so much power..he should have done WHATEVER and I mean WHATEVER he needed to do to feel better..I'd like to see how she takes being on te receiving end..not well I'd bet...
> 
> ...


agreed


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> Man that is painful to read.
> 
> My thoughts
> 
> ...


what was eye oening was the WWs reaction to being the victim..now its a travesty because you are on the receiving end...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

metallicaluvr said:


> Waywards that have "found God" are the funniest goddamn people ever.


Its like I've said before...

Go to any prison in America and you will find it full of murderers, drug dealers and thieves who have all suddenly "found Jesus." 

Once they are paroled Jesus becomes a guy they used to know. They go right back to murdering, thieving and dealing.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Its like I've said before...
> 
> Go to any prison in America and you will find it full of murderers, drug dealers and thieves who have all suddenly "found Jesus."
> 
> Once they are paroled Jesus becomes a guy they used to know. They go right back to murdering, thieving and dealing.


The suddenly find the value of 'reconciliation, forgiveness and healing" so long as they aren't on the receiving end....


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Honestly guys, i do not understand men on SI, when you read some of their sad posts by them, they have got to be the weakness emasculated beta males i have ever seen in my entire life....i have to stop reading their stories because i want to shake them awake.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Xenote said:


> Honestly guys, i do not understand men on SI, when you read some of their sad posts by them, they have got to be the weakness emasculated beta males i have ever seen in my entire life....i have to stop reading their stories because i want to shake them awake.


Agreed some of those men staying with wives who have had multiple affairs or are not remorseful..reading the JFO section is depressing...


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

yes I just read Myhappiness thread. Amy44 is pretty dam selfish.

Only one appropriate response so far


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> The suddenly find the value of 'reconciliation, forgiveness and healing" so long as they aren't on the receiving end....


I grew up with to brothers. One of them went bad early on, ended up in prison. Their family were Jack Catholics... they never went to Mass or actively participated in the local parish. When the bad brother got sent to the AZ state pen for armed robbery, he all of a sudden became interested in his Catholicism. He started hanging Virgin Mary sketches on his walls, started going to weekly Mass there at the prison, started going to confession....

He was paroled around 2005. A year later he was back in prison for steaing a car. Didn't learn a damn thing. 

That is the way alot of these sanctimonious churchified men and women are. They think as long as they go to Church every Sunday, sing in the choir, teach Sunday school..., that everything is hunky dory. The other six day of the week and they can party, sneak around on their spouses, have affairs, gamble, drink... and everyone is supposed to love them and hold them in high regard. 

I can't do that. I can't be a hypocrite like that, which is one reason I walked away from the church. I believe in Jesus...I believe he's the son of God and my savior...but I don't need church to have a relationship with Him. I'm far too angry and disillusioned to be a good church man.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> yes I just read Myhappiness thread. Amy44 is pretty dam selfish.
> 
> Only one appropriate response so far


I would bet when the pack of WWs who populate that place find her thread she will get a lot of "you go girl" from them...


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I might be a vindictive pr!ck but I have zero sympathy for a cheater who gets cheated on...and no patience for a cheater who whines about their "happiness" post affair discovery...
> 
> But in the case we are discussing the H should have taken his life back and stop giving his cheating wife so much power..he should have done WHATEVER and I mean WHATEVER he needed to do to feel better..I'd like to see how she takes being on te receiving end..not well I'd bet...
> 
> ...


bro, yesterday a new user posted about her husband dating another woman 2 weeks after her affair was revealed, then a madhatter oldie talked about how she got on the phone and told her husband how she felt about him having an RA just before he did it. LOL shut up you ****ing *****. That's exactly what he told her before he did it btw.

I think guys who have an RA are stupid, though. she'll feel sad about it for a while then harp about how she needs to heal from your infidelity too for the rest of your marriage, not to mention it'll lessen her guilt. I hope I'm never in these guys' shoes, but God forbid if I ever am, I'll cheat on her first then file for divorce. I know it's a **** move but who cares?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> I grew up with to brothers. One of them went bad early on, ended up in prison. Their family were Jack Catholics... they never went to Mass or actively participated in the local parish. When the bad brother got sent to the AZ state pen for armed robbery, he all of a sudden became interested in his Catholicism. He started hanging Virgin Mary sketches on his walls, started going to weekly Mass there at the prison, started going to confession....
> 
> He was paroled around 2005. A year later he was back in prison for steaing a car. Didn't learn a damn thing.
> 
> ...


Bandit it also goes for cheaters - who destroy lives but in the wake of getting caught now preach about love, forgiveness, etc and expect the rules of civility to be followed by the BS...wtf?


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

wmn1 said:


> yes I just read Myhappiness thread. Amy44 is pretty dam selfish.
> 
> Only one appropriate response so far


that appropriate response was from a BS who doesn't know what a stop sign is. they're screwed, lol...

oh and btw, this amy44 trickle truthed the crap out of her husband. she honestly does not understand what it means to heal at all. I hope her new man cheats on her real good. I hate her husband, though. what a pathetic piece of crap. Every time a "remorseful" WW talks about her husband and uses the words, "My poor husband..." I think, "wow, dude. she PITIES you. are you that desperate?"


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

metallicaluvr said:


> bro, yesterday a new user posted about her husband dating another woman 2 weeks after her affair was revealed, then a madhatter oldie talked about how she got on the phone and told her husband how she felt about him having an RA just before he did it. LOL shut up you ****ing *****. That's exactly what he told her before he did it btw.
> 
> I think guys who have an RA are stupid, though. she'll feel sad about it for a while then harp about how she needs to heal from your infidelity too for the rest of your marriage, not to mention it'll lessen her guilt. I hope I'm never in these guys' shoes, but God forbid if I ever am, I'll cheat on her first then file for divorce. I know it's a **** move but who cares?


at least he wasnt crying and begging..i prefer his reaction to what you usually see on SI...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Xenote said:


> Honestly guys, i do not understand men on SI, when you read some of their sad posts by them, they have got to be the weakness emasculated beta males i have ever seen in my entire life....i have to stop reading their stories because i want to shake them awake.


Which is why when such men visit TAM and get their asses handed to them for being clueless and weak, they flee like deer from a wildfire. 

Since the 60s the women's lib movement and a mass media have conspired to perpetrate the idea that boys and men are stupid, boorish, violent and devolved. Seemingly overnight young boys were thrown out of schools for getting into minor tussles, thrown in the juvenile system for carrying pocketknives....

This concerted effort has resulted in an entire generation of young men who never were allowed to be men. We now have a populace of men who don't know how to be men. Our society now values feminized pussies like Zach Braff and Steve Carell and other metrosexual men, and vaunts these creampuffs as the new ideal of manhood. 

Oh God it is a plague. I hate it. I hate every disingenuous, heinous aspect of what our pop culture has done to our men and boys.


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

Truthseeker1 said:


> at least he wasnt crying and begging..i prefer his reaction to what you usually see on SI...


we don't know that for sure. anyway she just pitied him for 5 years, and you know what I kind of get it...I read posts by BH's in reconciliation and they seem to get a kind of sadistic pleasure in seeing their wives grovel for their love and attention. well that wears off soon if you don't reciprocate.

and I do believe one thing I read on a post in The Red Pill about how if you forgive her after she cheats on you, she might be thankful for it, but you will NEVER have her respect again for tolerating her crap and not thinking you deserve better. I wish guys could understand that.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Her final line was a doozy "I need to be happy as well" - after she cheated at various point throughout her marriage..she is fvcking concerned about herself..she deserves whatever misfortune comes her way...


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I would bet when the pack of WWs who populate that place find her thread she will get a lot of "you go girl" from them...


there will be a few but watch. She'll get drubbed a bit. If not, I would be disappointed.

Trust me, I am a regular over there but rarely post in that forum because I would be banned in a day going off on some of the waywards. However, most of those threads, you'll have 6 or 7 waywards who will pick apart the current unrepentant one.

On even another note, look at the reconciliation forum. Just read the titles and see how reconciliation is working for most of those folks, it is hard to read and I have been a fellow poster to some of them for a long time and some are really good people who 'forgave' and see the pain they still go through.

It bothers me greatly. But it emphasizes and reinforces for me, in addition to my own experience, why I wouldn't reconcile ever again.

I would just move on to greener pastures.


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Which is why when such men visit TAM and get their asses handed to them for being clueless and weak, they flee like deer from a wildfire.
> 
> Since the 60s the women's lib movement and a mass media have conspired to perpetrate the idea that boys and men are stupid, boorish, violent and devolved. Seemingly overnight young boys were thrown out of schools for getting into minor tussles, thrown in the juvenile system for carrying pocketknives....
> 
> ...


Steve Carrell, huh? is he like that in real life or are you talking about his character on-screen? I LOVE the guy he plays in The Office. Beta or alpha, he's hilarious AF.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> there will be a few but watch. She'll get drubbed a bit. If not, I would be disappointed.
> 
> Trust me, I am a regular over there but rarely post in that forum because I would be banned in a day going off on some of the waywards. However, most of those threads, you'll have 6 or 7 waywards who will pick apart the current unrepentant one.
> 
> ...


The R thread there seems to be populatedwiht people still in pain...

What the WW in the post we are discussing deserves is to come home and find her H in bed with a young beautiful woman..


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

wmn1 said:


> there will be a few but watch. She'll get drubbed a bit. If not, I would be disappointed.
> 
> Trust me, I am a regular over there but rarely post in that forum because I would be banned in a day going off on some of the waywards. However, most of those threads, you'll have 6 or 7 waywards who will pick apart the current unrepentant one.
> 
> ...


most of the nice waywards you speak of have either left or rarely visit anymore. tiredgirl is the only good one still left, and floridaredman makes the occasional out-of-the-blue appearance and swings a random 2x4.

dude, I've decided for my own sanity to never read anything in Reconciliation again. First of all, the very principle on which it is based is something I am vehemently against, i.e. forgiving infidelity.

second of all, the men AND women there are some of the most pathetic people EVER. Guy talks about feeling emasculated and cuckolded by his wife (SilverEagle), and there you have ****ing Psychmom and Unhinged telling him, "You can get a better marriage out of this!". **** marriage! where is SELF RESPECT?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Bandit it also goes for cheaters - who destroy lives but in the wake of getting caught now preach about love, forgiveness, etc and expect the rules of civility to be followed by the BS...wtf?


It is astonishing....


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

Truthseeker1 said:


> The R thread there seems to be populatedwiht people still in pain...
> 
> What the WW in the post we are discussing deserves is to come home and find her H in bed with a young beautiful woman..


no dude. there was a user here, Tears. she had an ONS, right? her husband divorced her ass and dated woman after woman till he FINALLY came back to her. 

what that did was showing her that he DID have other options and he was very much capable of leaving her any time she ****ed up again. The psychology behind attraction, gentlemen. It pays to try to understand it.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

​


bandit.45 said:


> It is astonishing....


Like you have always said the wayward forum at SI is illuminating..to hear cheaters decry any Bs who has an Ra or calls names or whatever is astonishing and infuriating..cheaters spend all this time debasing their marriage and disrespecting their spouse..and now find a new appreciation for rule of behavior..fvck that...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

metallicaluvr said:


> Steve Carrell, huh? is he like that in real life or are you talking about his character on-screen? I LOVE the guy he plays in The Office. Beta or alpha, he's hilarious AF.


You look at the A list of American actors...

It is pretty pathetic. The only American "Alpha" actors I can think of are Brad Pitt (who in real life allows his wife to cheat on him openly) and George Clooney (who was smart enough to choose not to get married...but did anyways...)

Vin Diesel is a tough guy (but he's reputed to be bi or gay).

That is about it. The rest of the Alpha actors in movies today are all from Australia or Scotland. Nice...

Do you think that an actor like Lee Marvin would be able to have a career in today's feminized movie culture?


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

Truthseeker1 said:


> ​
> Like you have always said the wayward forum at SI is illuminating..to hear cheaters decry any Bs who has an Ra or calls names or whatever is astonishing and infuriating..cheaters spend all this time debasing their marriage and disrespecting their spouse..and now find a new appreciation for rule of behavior..fvck that...


ha, that reminds me of another thread I wanted to start during the week I was banned here xD "double standards when it comes to gender."

yet another poster in our beloved Wayward Side talked about her love child born out of HER revenge affair. the only people who responded were female posters, and they just gave her some parenting advice but mostly congratulated her on her amazing baby blah blah. 

i'm just wondering how those same female posters would have responded if it had been a male madhatter talking about HIS love child...would it have been different? what do you think>


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> You look at the A list of American actors...
> 
> It is pretty pathetic. The only American "Alpha" actors I can think of are Brad Pitt (who in real life allows his wife to cheat on him openly) and George Clooney (who was smart enough to choose not to get married...but did anyways...)
> 
> ...


don't know about Lee Marvin, I'm a generation ahead of you sorry haha. Angelina cheats on Brad? wow. yeah, Vin triggered my gaydar from the start xD


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

metallicaluvr said:


> no dude. there was a user here, Tears. she had an ONS, right? her husband divorced her ass and dated woman after woman till he FINALLY came back to her.
> 
> what that did was showing her that he DID have other options and he was very much capable of leaving her any time she ****ed up again. The psychology behind attraction, gentlemen. It pays to try to understand it.


She was a hell of a gal. She laid out her crimes and owned her sh!t. 

I wish Tears would come back and visit once in a while. She was a diamond among rhinestones.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> there will be a few but watch. She'll get drubbed a bit. If not, I would be disappointed.
> 
> Trust me, I am a regular over there but rarely post in that forum because I would be banned in a day going off on some of the waywards. However, most of those threads, you'll have 6 or 7 waywards who will pick apart the current unrepentant one.
> 
> .


I'm not holding my breath on that one....

She will get the virtual hugs telling her to do what is best for her..she obviously does not give a sh!t really...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> She was a hell of a gal. She laid out her crimes and owned her sh!t.
> 
> I wish Tears would come back and visit once in a while. She was a diamond among rhinestones.


If there was ever a Ws that deserved a happy R it is her...she rocks..


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Which is why when such men visit TAM and get their asses handed to them for being clueless and weak, they flee like deer from a wildfire.


Many BH's there would not last 10 seconds here...and i'm not being snarky..they dont like being challenged - period..they want to be told to roll over and that it is going to be ok in R with their wives..here they will find a broader range of opinions..

Any BH who suffered for 5 years would be told her to D his wife - period...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

metallicaluvr said:


> don't know about* Lee Marvin*, I'm a generation ahead of you sorry haha. Angelina cheats on Brad? wow. yeah, Vin triggered my gaydar from the start xD


Lee Marvin was a badass in the movies and real life. He retired to Tucson, Arizona where I used to live. When I was a kid I literally ran into him one day, around 1984 or so, at a Safeway grocery store. He saw me gaping at him and nodded at me and said "hello" as he passed. I just stood there speechless like a dumbass.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

metallicaluvr said:


> I can't speak for betrayed wives but gentlemen, it's time to MAN UP! when your cheating wife is the one who files for divorce after begging you not to leave her, then you are one pathetic human being.


I don't disagree with the BS being pathetic in that scenario; but at the same time it's very likely that the WW is doing him a favor in the long run. Forcing the needed action that he didn't have the guts to do himself.

But first that BS is going to have to emotionally deal with the idea of being rejected by a wife that already cheated on him. That's a hard pill to swallow.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I can see a WS filing for divorce if after a long time things haven’t gotten “better” or seem to improve. I don’t think that means that they are wrong for doing it. 

Please understand, I fully understand the pain that I caused my husband. I am sympathetic to it, I understand it, I get it – because I have a lot of the same feelings that he has since he had his own EA. Mine being a PA, his being an EA – we can argue til we’re blue in the face as to which one is worse. 

At any rate, 2 months into reconciliation, he has yet to tell me he loves me. I’m not looking for some grandiose gesture of love from him. I can’t count the times I’ve told him I love him during our separation and since we decided to stay together on February 12th, finding out a week later that he was having conversations with the EA partner about them possibly being together in the future since he and I were done in his eyes. Still didn’t stop me from loving him and telling him I did. I hurt, I trigger, I have anger, I have more of the ‘plan B’ thoughts than I ever have, I wonder every day if he feels like he made the right decision to stay with me, I wonder if he misses her, I don’t think I have the full truth. But I still love him and I still tell him I love him. 

I have days where I don’t want to look at him because it hurts too bad. But I STILL love him. And I make sure he knows it. And he won’t say it back. 

So, 3 years from now……if he still won’t tell me he loves me……if I still feel like I’m fighting an uphill battle I’ll never ‘win’, if I still feel like I’m plan B….would it be wrong for me to file for divorce?

Take his EA out of it. Lets say it was only me who damaged the relationship. I’ve put in 3 years of hard work, I’m the most remorseful spouse you’ve ever met, you can say with 110% certainty that I will never cheat again, that he can fully trust me, that I’ve become Mother Teresa since DDay….but he cannot look at me as a partner, he cannot look at me even close to the same as before, being around me triggers him constantly, he still has mind movies, he’s depressed, he’s not close to coming back and he still can’t tell me he loves me…..would it be wrong for me to file for divorce? How do I know that someday he might feel different? How do I know that someday he won’t look at me as the woman who ruined his life? How do I know that he didn’t just stay with me for the kids sake? 

How do I know that filing for divorce wouldn’t be the greatest gift I could give him? How do I know if filing isn’t what gives him his life back? How do I know if deep down he wishes I would because with me, he’ll never be the same?

It’s not all about the wayward, but if a wayward can SEE that what they did is something that their spouse will never come back from, are they being selfish for filing or are they giving them the gift of freedom that maybe they need?


----------



## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

badmemory said:


> I don't disagree with the BS being pathetic in that scenario; but at the same time it's very likely that the WW is doing him a favor in the long run. Forcing the needed action that he didn't have the guts to do himself.
> 
> But first that BS is going to have to emotionally deal with the idea of being rejected by a wife that already cheated on him. That's a hard pill to swallow.


that last line is what I'm talking about. she probably doesn't feel an ounce of shame. it's all "I tried, oh well." and moves on to the next guy.


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> I can see a WS filing for divorce if after a long time things haven’t gotten “better” or seem to improve. I don’t think that means that they are wrong for doing it.
> 
> Please understand, I fully understand the pain that I caused my husband. I am sympathetic to it, I understand it, I get it – because I have a lot of the same feelings that he has since he had his own EA. Mine being a PA, his being an EA – we can argue til we’re blue in the face as to which one is worse.
> 
> ...


I know my posts give off an aura that I despise waywards (which is true), but since I've seen you around here, I respect you.

no you are not wrong to file for divorce, this post isn't about that at all. it's about how the wayward's spouse should have been the one to file for divorce in the first place and left the relationship with their self-respect intact rather than putting themselves and their remorseful spouse through hell for God knows how many years till the wayward spouse did the human thing and acted selfishly (I would do it too tbh).

I'm all for reconciliation post-divorce, because Lord knows your husband wasn't exactly Mr. Perfect prior to your affair, but yeah this whole 2-5 year plan and healing and triggering and timeline bull****...why put yourself through that?

I feel that reconciliation puts the wayward in the spotlight. everything depends on them. are they remorseful? do they want to take polygraphs, write timelines, respect your triggers? blah blah blah. THEY were the ones who made the decision to go outside of the relationship and destroy it, and now fixing it lies in their hands too?


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> Man that is painful to read.
> 
> My thoughts
> 
> ...


Thanks for your thoughts. I propose that you post a copy of these right up as near to the head of every new thread in the infidelity section of TAM. It will certainly help the original poster learn what is what around here!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

LosingHim said:


> I can see a WS filing for divorce if after a long time things haven’t gotten “better” or seem to improve. I don’t think that means that they are wrong for doing it.
> 
> Please understand, I fully understand the pain that I caused my husband. I am sympathetic to it, I understand it, I get it – because I have a lot of the same feelings that he has since he had his own EA. Mine being a PA, his being an EA – we can argue til we’re blue in the face as to which one is worse.
> 
> ...


There's a big difference between "I've put the time and effort in and the crap in our marriage is never getting better" and leaving and "this is hard work and you're mean" and leaving.

If a WS wants to reconcile, they have to pretty much guarantee that they'll be in it for the long run. Not forever, but long enough to give the BS time to heal and make R a shot.

Nobody should be forced into staying married, but at the same time don't ask for a R after you cheated without being sure you can put the work in to R.

Because I think for me a false R would be even worse than the cheating.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

marduk said:


> There's a big difference between "I've put the time and effort in and the crap in our marriage is never getting better" and leaving and "this is hard work and you're mean" and leaving.
> 
> If a WS wants to reconcile, they have to pretty much guarantee that they'll be in it for the long run. Not forever, but long enough to give the BS time to heal and make R a shot.
> 
> ...


Who determines how much work or how long is the right amount? I'm not saying you're wrong in what you posted. But honestly how is that quantified? 

When I decided to say yes to R, I meant for the long haul, I don't want to be divorced ever again and I'll do everything in MY power to prevent it. 

But after 3 years or 10 and I've done everything I can, and I can still see that he's destroyed.....when is it not selfish to end it? 

If I left, it wouldn't be because I was giving up, but because I would know deep down he'd be happier without me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

I note that exceptionally few women have posted in this thread. And we have a fair number of outspoken women here. I would wonder why and suggest that folks go back and reread what they've written.

I see no need to recreate Chump Lady here. She has a simple remedy for all marital problems and she has a perfect right to express them. She makes no effort to be seen as even handed or even the slightest bit concerned about fairness.

We should try to be a bit better than that. There is more than one side to every story, not every betrayed spouse is a saint, and some folks do, in fact, successfully reconcile.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> There's a big difference between "I've put the time and effort in and the crap in our marriage is never getting better" and leaving and "this is hard work and you're mean" and leaving.
> 
> If a WS wants to reconcile, they have to pretty much guarantee that they'll be in it for the long run. Not forever, but long enough to give the BS time to heal and make R a shot.
> 
> ...


The WS the OP was describing cheated several times with the same AP throughout her marriage and her H found out five years later and she TTd him for awhile...to me from the tone of her posts she sounds like a selfish woman - ending her post wiht "I want to be happy" - see how that works - demolish another person and then when they dont heal according to her tmeline leave the mess behind...in my opinion evertime a WS TTs the healing clock goes back to zero....

Plus she admits her H does not want a divorce...but I guess its not as much fun trying to R as it was to screw around...booo hooooo


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

LosingHim said:


> Who determines how much work or how long is the right amount? I'm not saying you're wrong in what you posted. But honestly how is that quantified?


A year sounds right. After a year, the BS should be more objective about problems in the marriage, and be working on them, and sure they want to R.



> When I decided to say yes to R, I meant for the long haul, I don't want to be divorced ever again and I'll do everything in MY power to prevent it.


Sure. But does your husband want to R?

Or is he just stuck, one foot in and one foot out?



> But after 3 years or 10 and I've done everything I can, and I can still see that he's destroyed.....when is it not selfish to end it?


What exactly are you asking him to do? Precisely? Does he know that?

How long has it been since D-day again?



> If I left, it wouldn't be because I was giving up, but because I would know deep down he'd be happier without me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


See, there's a problem.

You're worried he'll think you're selfish, and you're worried he'd be better off without you.

If you leave, he will think those two things are true. No matter what you do, or how long you take.

So get OK with that if that's your plan. I wish there was a better way to put that, but it is what it is.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Truthseeker1 said:


> The WS the OP was describing cheated several times with the same AP throughout her marriage and her H found out five years later and she TTd him for awhile...to me from the tone of her posts she sounds like a selfish woman - ending her post wiht "I want to be happy" - see how that works - demolish another person and then when they dont heal according to her tmeline leave the mess behind...in my opinion evertime a WS TTs the healing clock goes back to zero....
> 
> Plus she admits her H does not want a divorce...but I guess its not as much fun trying to R as it was to screw around...booo hooooo


I was referring to @LosingHim specifically. I don't think she is offering a false R, or bailing when it gets tough.

But I do also think it's time for her husband to start kicking in.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> I was referring to @LosingHim specifically. I don't think she is offering a false R, or bailing when it gets tough.
> 
> But I do also think it's time for her husband to start kicking in.


Oh ok I was NOT referring to @LosingHim but the thread the OP is discussing.. @LosingHim sorry if you thought I was referring to you wiht my last post I was not...

The women in the post I was referring to has a LTA with the same guy during differnet periods of her marriage and her H found out 5 years after it was over..I dont think the H exposed the A to the AP's new wife or did anything but sit on his a** and grieve...


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## NewPhoenix5 (Dec 4, 2015)

Edith did some serious gaslighting and blameshifting on me. She did some false R too and continued to screw him during our MC sessions.

For that reason I doubt I will be out of the "anger and resentment" stage for quite some time. She confessed to a PA a year ago and if anything I more furious now than I was then. So, as someone said, I've check into the WTF Hotel and I have the monthly rate.

For me it simply comes down to 

1) What is my investment 
2) What does my life look like if I punt on the M 
3) What does my life look like if I continue to R 
4) What are the potential ups
5) What are the potential downs

I guess what it comes down to is that I can D at ANY TIME if I wish. That is very liberating and freeing. I'm here because I have something to gain out of giving her some time to pull her **** together.

If she doesn't, well then I'm done. I really don't think she could do much more to me.

If she does, I'll D and tell the world what she has done, which would devastate her. She knows this and greatly fears it, above all, perhaps.

So she has real incentive to make amends and be the wife she should have been all these years. If not, then I'll have the D. It has taken me a while to get here, but I am there.

Edith is realizing now the 2-5 years isn't just some arbitrary thing. It is her reality now and she is very sorry to come to that realization. Her actions do not define me and she does not set my value. I do.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I feel sorry for this man because he wasted five years with his wife trying to heal himself. I only wish he stays in the house and dont go after her and beg her to take HIM back. 
I saw one case of this. Husband cheated on her and she was doing all hard working. At the end he filled for Divorced and she cried for him and wanted to stay with him. He took her back but it was under his conditions. I run on them every once in a while and I always feel sorry for the poor Lady. I really cant understand her.

Also I hate when people talk about God,especially the one who cheated. It was ok for them to betray and hurt people who love them,but suddenly they find their God and everything is alright. Church girls and bar girls are the worst. Maybe I am wrong but this was from my experience.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Be smart said:


> I feel sorry for this man because he wasted five years with his wife trying to heal himself. I only wish he stays in the house and dont go after her and beg her to take HIM back.
> I saw one case of this. Husband cheated on her and she was doing all hard working. At the end he filled for Divorced and she cried for him and wanted to stay with him. He took her back but it was under his conditions. I run on them every once in a while and I always feel sorry for the poor Lady. I really cant understand her.
> 
> Also I hate when people talk about God,especially the one who cheated. It was ok for them to betray and hurt people who love them,but suddenly they find their God and everything is alright. Church girls and bar girls are the worst. Maybe I am wrong but this was from my experience.


Reconciliation must be done from a place of strength and not fear...or you have what you described...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

NewPhoenix5 said:


> Edith did some serious gaslighting and blameshifting on me. She did some false R too and continued to screw him during our MC sessions.
> 
> For that reason I doubt I will be out of the "anger and resentment" stage for quite some time. She confessed to a PA a year ago and if anything I more furious now than I was then. So, as someone said, I've check into the WTF Hotel and I have the monthly rate.
> 
> ...


The WW in the thread the OP described does not sound remorseful and needs some 2 x 4s but she hides under a stop sign ....


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Its like I've said before...
> 
> Go to any prison in America and you will find it full of murderers, drug dealers and thieves who have all suddenly "found Jesus."
> 
> Once they are paroled Jesus becomes a guy they used to know. They go right back to murdering, thieving and dealing.


Not always.

Some of them find Allah 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I found SI over a year ago and posted regularly for about three months till i was promptly banned for going off on someone. 

My husband went there for like 2 days. He was a BS who had his ass handed to him. He never went back. 

I noticed the post this morning to and thought...what a weak selfish *****.... Sure, go find your happiness, thats what you were trying to do with the affair, see how that **** works for you. 

I only really keep reading for Taksubo. Her situation has been upsetting in the extreme. If her husband was mine, he would not have balls anymore. PERIOD.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> I wish Tears would come back and visit once in a while. She was a diamond among rhinestones.



I'm familiar with her thread as it's mentioned quite often but I fail to comprehend what was so special about her or her affair??? 

If my memory doesn't fail me she basically gave herself a green light to have an extra marital affair despite that her marriage was quite good, and as soon as she was able to find a man she was really attracted to.... she almost instantly cheated on her husband and family. When she realised that, after all, she didn't like the experience enough to continue she confessed her sexappade. I apploud her courage to do it but that's all. 

It was her concious choice to betray her husband.... she hasn't been played by her OM like many CWI posters want/try to believe.

So, what is so special about her?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Homer j said:


> How long have/were you been married for, if I may ask?


30 years. Not perfect, but good all in all. In my post I was speaking for myself, not others. If my wife was with another guy, physically, I just couldn't stay. Which I guess explains why I reacted the way I did when I found her secretly emailing (benign emails) an ex-boyfriend, several years ago. I blew it up pretty quickly because I knew I couldn't continue the marriage if anything happened. It's just me.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> which is why when such men visit tam and get their asses handed to them for being clueless and weak, they flee like deer from a wildfire.
> 
> Since the 60s the women's lib movement and a mass media have conspired to perpetrate the idea that boys and men are stupid, boorish, violent and devolved. Seemingly overnight young boys were thrown out of schools for getting into minor tussles, thrown in the juvenile system for carrying pocketknives....
> 
> ...


manginas.


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## Homer j (Jan 6, 2016)

The Middleman said:


> 30 years. Not perfect, but good all in all. In my post I was speaking for myself, not others. If my wife was with another guy, physically, I just couldn't stay. Which I guess explains why I reacted the way I did when I found her secretly emailing (benign emails) an ex-boyfriend, several years ago. I blew it up pretty quickly because I knew I couldn't continue the marriage if anything happened. It's just me.



Thanks. You understand the value of time spent together then. There are some younger posters that do not have that experience and thus do not comprehend that sometimes time spent with someone allows for more forgiveness and understanding, than if you were in the dating phase.


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

Truthseeker1 said:


> The WS the OP was describing cheated several times with the same AP throughout her marriage and her H found out five years later and she TTd him for awhile...to me from the tone of her posts she sounds like a selfish woman - ending her post wiht "I want to be happy" - see how that works - demolish another person and then when they dont heal according to her tmeline leave the mess behind...in my opinion evertime a WS TTs the healing clock goes back to zero....
> 
> Plus she admits her H does not want a divorce...but I guess its not as much fun trying to R as it was to screw around...booo hooooo


read her latest posts. it makes my blood boil. i'm not going to say any more because that's what got me banned last time xD


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

adriana said:


> I'm familiar with her thread as it's mentioned quite often but I fail to comprehend what was so special about her or her affair???
> 
> If my memory doesn't fail me she basically gave herself a green light to have an extra marital affair despite that her marriage was quite good, and as soon as she was able to find a man she was really attracted to.... she almost instantly cheated on her husband and family. When she realised that, after all, she didn't like the experience enough to continue she confessed her sexappade. I apploud her courage to do it but that's all.
> 
> ...


I concur. Throughout her thread, I saw people lavishing praise on her. I was like, "Uh, what?". But at least we can give her credit for confessing, yeah.


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

Maxo said:


> manginas.


 you're so alpha it makes me laugh xD


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

threelittlestars said:


> I found SI over a year ago and posted regularly for about three months till i was promptly banned for going off on someone.
> 
> My husband went there for like 2 days. He was a BS who had his ass handed to him. He never went back.
> 
> ...


Takotsubo is definitely a doormat, but she is just one of many. What it will take for some of those betrayed wives to leave their guys, I just don't know. What a man would give to be able to cheat on his loving, faithful wife all the time and have her take him back each time, trust me you have no idea. 

The thing is, I just don't see weak women or even men like the ones I read about in these forums irl though. The people you'd meet day to day would most likely kick their spouse's butt if they cheated on them. Who are these anomalies?


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

Homer j said:


> Thanks. You understand the value of time spent together then. There are some younger posters that do not have that experience and thus do not comprehend that sometimes time spent with someone allows for more forgiveness and understanding, than if you were in the dating phase.


It's like your post was speaking to my soul xD Idgaf though. That is called the "sunken cost fallacy", and it's a load of crap.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> If you just look at the title of the thread "my happiness" that says it all..and in a lot of cases the wayward breaks sh!t and then leaves the mess behind hence I like your idea of the "pound of flesh" I totally get it...if you read SI's wayward section you wonder how anyone could be married to these folks let alone forgive their A...


I have been taken to task many times over the years for suggesting that RAs could be beneficial to the WS. 

Part of my reasoning is that getting the pound of flesh, is to even the score with the WS, so to speak. This way if the BS attempts reconcilation, they may go into it not feeling that the WS totally got away with it, or consider themselves at a 'disadvantage'. It would also be a big ego booster at a time when they were kicked low. But RAs aren't for everyone. However, In the remote possibility that I was a BS considering a reconciliation, I think it would be something I would have to do.

The pound of flesh doesn't have to be an RA. It can be shame in the form of exposure. It can be a post nuptial agreement or other forms of give back.

But for me, I would grab as much of the cash as I can and disappear. I couldn't deal with it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

metallicaluvr said:


> I concur. Throughout her thread, I saw people lavishing praise on her. I was like, "Uh, what?". But at least we can give her credit for confessing, yeah.


All those hundreds of posts, those thousands of words and that was the only point you recall , the fact that she confessed.

Oh, well. You can lead a horse to water....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

sidney2718 said:


> Thanks for your thoughts. I propose that you post a copy of these right up as near to the head of every new thread in the infidelity section of TAM. It will certainly help the original poster learn what is what around here!


I will be more than happy to if their waywards act like this one did. How is your reading comprehension ?

Oh BTW Sidney, I hit him too. Obviously you ignored that.

Your bias is showing through the seams.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

sidney2718 said:


> I note that exceptionally few women have posted in this thread. And we have a fair number of outspoken women here. I would wonder why and suggest that folks go back and reread what they've written.
> 
> I see no need to recreate Chump Lady here. She has a simple remedy for all marital problems and she has a perfect right to express them. She makes no effort to be seen as even handed or even the slightest bit concerned about fairness.
> 
> We should try to be a bit better than that. There is more than one side to every story, not every betrayed spouse is a saint, and some folks do, in fact, successfully reconcile.



stop making this a gender thing.

It's not. 

Everyone has freedom to post here. If they choose not to, it's on them. This isn't a gender thing. Stop creating fire where there is none


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

adriana said:


> I'm familiar with her thread as it's mentioned quite often but I fail to comprehend what was so special about her or her affair???
> 
> If my memory doesn't fail me she basically gave herself a green light to have an extra marital affair despite that her marriage was quite good, and as soon as she was able to find a man she was really attracted to.... she almost instantly cheated on her husband and family. When she realised that, after all, she didn't like the experience enough to continue she confessed her sexappade. I apploud her courage to do it but that's all.
> 
> ...



nothing. I agree with you completely


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Homer j said:


> Thanks. You understand the value of time spent together then. There are some younger posters that do not have that experience and thus do not comprehend that sometimes time spent with someone allows for more forgiveness and understanding, than if you were in the dating phase.



ummm No


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ok. The thread title cracked me up!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

metallicaluvr said:


> So I just read a post on SI where one particular poster I loathe has decided that she's sick of being the victim of her husband's depression for the last 5 years. Mind you, this was after having multiple affairs with the SAME guy.
> 
> She has decided to file for divorce because she can't bear her husband's pathetic beta emasculated behavior anymore. A couple of months ago, Alyssamd24 also filed for divorce because she couldn't stand the fact that her husband was still bitter about her affair two years later.
> 
> ...


I agree partially with the waywards here.

Only partially.

They do need to understand that they fvcked things up for a long time but if a BS chooses R they need to do it from a position of self knowledge and strength.

A WS needs to comprehend the damage they did and do everything in their power to help heal the wound but they need a spouse out of the deal to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Okay....Slight tangent question. But since we are talking about posters on SI, I wonder about a lot of posters that just seemingly disappear. There was this one poster around thanksgiving (Phenix..???) she caught her husband looking up like craigslist and personals while he was away (Military) and he immediately asked for divorce and went total NC on her for weeks. Then she got all hot and dolled up around christmas when he came to get his stuff. She posted a few times as the new year rang but then she just NEVER CAME BACK. I have been so weirded out by her situation for nearly 6 months! Was she banned or something? SI does not have an open "banned person thread" and it seems its Mafia/KGB like over there. People just disappear. No explanation, just a terse response that they are not welcome back and crickets as if US the support system are not allowed to understand something that happened behind the scene... Its weird. 

And it looks like banning is so much more common there than here. But I have only been here a month. What do I know?


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

metallicaluvr said:


> you're so alpha it makes me laugh xD


Quien es mas macho,Ricardo Montleban o Fernando Llamas?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

marduk said:


> A year sounds right. After a year, the BS should be more objective about problems in the marriage, and be working on them, and sure they want to R.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It has been a little over 6 months since DDay, 2 months since deciding to R. 

I'm not trying to rush anything. I was speaking solely from a theoretical sense.

Right now, I don't expect him to tell me he loves me. Would I like to hear it? Absolutely. I long for the day I hear it again. But do I expect it? No. Am I angry that he won't say it? No. 

Does it make me skeptical of his reasons for wanting to R? Yes. 

Because to me, when something blows up your marriage, which in my case was infidelity, and you make the choice to R, you are doing it because you do love that person. You love them enough to let them show you that they can change behaviors and that they have remorse for what they did. At the heart of it is love, right? 

When he doesn't say it, it makes my mind go crazy. Did he stay for the kids? Doesn't he love me? Is he not telling me he loves me because he told her he loved her? Can he not tell me because he loves her? 

Maybe that's my ultimate payment for this. Maybe that's my karma. Maybe it's the best way he knows how to "punish" me. I have no idea.

I'm not putting a timeline on him saying he loves me. But I can say, that after a long stretch of time, if he won't say it, I may begin to question why he wanted to R even more. 2 months is nothing.....when were talking a year or more.....I won't know what to think or do.

I think this 2-5 years thing is BS. I think everyone heals at their own rate. I think some may heal quicker, some may take longer. Some may never at all. 

I'll wait for him. I'll be here for him, I'll continue to change, I'm becoming better every day. But after an extended period of time, if things don't seem to be getting BETTER, what choices do I have other than to think that it can't GET better? 

Maybe it's this double whammy of a combined EA/PA. I'm doing everything I can to "fix" what I did, but I expect him to try to fix what he did as well. But I think he's too wrapped up in what *I* did to address what he did. So right now, I'm carrying the pain of both. Which I'm willing to do now, I love J. But at some point, I need to heal too. I need to feel like I can trust him as well. I need security just as much as he does. I need to know he's sorry for what he did and I need to feel like plan A. And I surely don't right now. 

Could I reach the point where I give up? I don't know. I don't want to think I would. Because with or without him, I hate myself for what I did. If I gave up, I don't know if I could ever get over it. But if I don't see him healing and I don't see willingness to right his wrongs on down the road.....I will probably think it's a lost cause.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Have you asked him why he doesn't tell you @LosingHim?

Because not being able to say it is very different than not feeling it. And both are different than not being sure if you do.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

threelittlestars said:


> Okay....Slight tangent question. But since we are talking about posters on SI, I wonder about a lot of posters that just seemingly disappear. There was this one poster around thanksgiving (Phenix..???) she caught her husband looking up like craigslist and personals while he was away (Military) and he immediately asked for divorce and went total NC on her for weeks. Then she got all hot and dolled up around christmas when he came to get his stuff. She posted a few times as the new year rang but then she just NEVER CAME BACK. I have been so weirded out by her situation for nearly 6 months! Was she banned or something? SI does not have an open "banned person thread" and it seems its Mafia/KGB like over there. People just disappear. No explanation, just a terse response that they are not welcome back and crickets as if US the support system are not allowed to understand something that happened behind the scene... Its weird.
> 
> And it looks like banning is so much more common there than here. But I have only been here a month. What do I know?


If you hang around here long enough you will see threads disappear, posters just quit posting etc. Every forum has that to a point especially when dealing with sensitive subjects as infidelity or marriage in general. 

Not sure about si but here the op can delete a thread as some do for fear of the spouse finding it or friends and family discovering it. Or they just don't like the advice given and dump it. I do wish some threads on this site would not have been deleted, some very good posters gave a great deal of good advice that would help many people, not just the op. 

In many threads the end of the story rarely get a written


----------



## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> It has been a little over 6 months since DDay, 2 months since deciding to R.
> 
> I'm not trying to rush anything. I was speaking solely from a theoretical sense.
> 
> ...


I talk out loud when i have anxiety, usually in the middle of the night, showering, or while I am commuting to work. Thankfully I don't have to ride the subway or people would think I am crazy.

The first 8-9 months after DDay I would randomly say out loud "I hate you." That crushed him to hear.

He got a good IC at 7 months and actually started to change. At about 12 months I started to say "I love*d* you." He told me how happy he was to hear me say that in the middle of the night - I had to point out the past tense...

18-24 months, I start saying "I love you XXXX". I have been saying it to him all along in that "I love you, i love you too" way. But to say it to myself? Woohoo!

28 months - back to "I love*d* you" wtf? Ah, grief, it is not a straight line.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

adriana said:


> I'm familiar with her thread as it's mentioned quite often but I fail to comprehend what was so special about her or her affair???
> 
> If my memory doesn't fail me she basically gave herself a green light to have an extra marital affair despite that her marriage was quite good, and as soon as she was able to find a man she was really attracted to.... she almost instantly cheated on her husband and family. When she realised that, after all, she didn't like the experience enough to continue she confessed her sexappade. I apploud her courage to do it but that's all.
> 
> ...


As a cheater there was nothing special about her. 

As a person who walked through the TAM gauntlet to get to the bottom of her poor boundaries, she did everything just as about as right as a remorseful wayward could. Many of the posters were brutal,towards her, but she didn't run away or get defensive. She didn't make lame excuses or blame her husband.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> All those hundreds of posts, those thousands of words and that was the only point you recall , the fact that she confessed.
> 
> Oh, well. You can lead a horse to water....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Reminds me..A trigger...I deliver the aerated water to nourish the posters and the Avatars give it back to me re-phased as scalding steam.

I am cold.. no, high..no, drunk...not funny...and not read. The horses are skittish in this realm. Their masters removed their blinders years ago. But they continue to stock their icy box with comfort food of thought. They stick their timeworn and conditioned retorts in your face. 

Many of our Earthly cohorts are plagued with growth inhibiting cataracts. 

Yes, it is easier to live on the the surface of Waldon's pond.
Swimming the depths is a practiced and deliberate art. It makes the heart pound fast and the lungs ache. Not for the masses, neigh.

Sitting at the mouth of the cave with the light at their back, seeing the shadows as... real things.

Don't eat Yellow snow or read Yellow journalism. 

You may live in a Yellow submarine. I was banned. I kept yelling Dive, Dive into the shipboard PA' system..My Mellow Yellow Chiquita done cheated on my sorry arse-nic selfie.

Triggers gone, 


<i":smile2:"/>


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> All those hundreds of posts, those thousands of words and that was the only point you recall , the fact that she confessed.
> 
> Oh, well. You can lead a horse to water....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


lol I know what a role you played in that story so I'm not gonna comment. look, my empathy or sympathy towards waywards only goes that far. bite me


----------



## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

@Decimated @Truthseeker1 some guy on that thread (My Happiness) is trying to argue with the mods for telling him that he was being rude by making this bullet point list of why he wasn't. how much time do you give him before he's banned?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

metallicaluvr said:


> lol I know what a role you played in that story so I'm not gonna comment. look, my empathy or sympathy towards waywards only goes that far. bite me


But what you may not know was that I was in contact with her husband who was having trouble understanding how someone could forgive a cheater.

So you might not be as knowledgeable as you might think.

I felt for him, for tears and their children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> But what you may not know was that I was in contact with her husband who was having trouble understanding how someone could forgive a cheater.
> 
> So you might not be as knowledgeable as you might think.
> 
> ...


I know that too, and my feelings still haven't changed. You dominated that thread so much it might as well have been by "Tears and MattMatt". Jesus how hard is it not to spread your legs for another man?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

metallicaluvr said:


> I know that too, and my feelings still haven't changed. You dominated that thread so much it might as well have been by "Tears and MattMatt". Jesus how hard is it not to spread your legs for another man?


Still going from thread to thread spreading whatever it is you are trying to spread, huh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

metallicaluvr said:


> So I just read a post on SI where one particular poster I loathe has decided that she's sick of being the victim of her husband's depression for the last 5 years. Mind you, this was after having multiple affairs with the SAME guy.
> 
> She has decided to file for divorce because she can't bear her husband's pathetic beta emasculated behavior anymore. A couple of months ago, Alyssamd24 also filed for divorce because she couldn't stand the fact that her husband was still bitter about her affair two years later.
> 
> ...


I saw this post as well by Amy. One of the Waywards there called her out pretty harshly and got reprimanded by the SI Staff. I'm glad someone said something to her. She's incredibly selfish. 

I don't think that chick understood the sh1tstorm she dumped on her poor husband. Poor guy.


----------



## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Still going from thread to thread spreading whatever it is you are trying to spread, huh?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


go join blondilocks and her little clique and ***** about me in the private forums, mate. i don't care for your crap on mine.


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## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

metallicaluvr said:


> @Decimated @Truthseeker1 some guy on that thread (My Happiness) is trying to argue with the mods for telling him that he was being rude by making this bullet point list of why he wasn't. how much time do you give him before he's banned?


Tang has very valid points. That chick Amy is vapid. 
I'll give him an hour or two.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

metallicaluvr said:


> read her latest posts. it makes my blood boil. i'm not going to say any more because that's what got me banned last time xD


She sounds selfish and lacking remorse.....she is the run of th emill cheater - who after having decimated her husband wants to move on and find her "happiness" - which is why I put some of the blame on him for giving her that kind of power...she is not worth it..not by a long shot...


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

Truthseeker1 said:


> She sounds selfish and lacking remorse.....she is the run of th emill cheater - who after having decimated her husband wants to move on and find her "happiness" - which is why I put some of the blame on him for giving her that kind of power...she is not worth it..not by a long shot...


hence the topic of this thread. spineless codependent people out there.


----------



## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

SoulCrushed16 said:


> Tang has very valid points. That chick Amy is vapid.
> I'll give him an hour or two.


I can't see her post history since I'm not a member there anymore. are her posts as bad as he's making out to be? :surprise:

if true, that really sucks that she didn't even give their marriage a chance before she went for this guy. I just can't forgive people like that, they're utter selfish scum.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> I have been taken to task many times over the years for suggesting that RAs could be beneficial to the WS.
> 
> Part of my reasoning is that getting the pound of flesh, is to even the score with the WS, so to speak. This way if the BS attempts reconcilation, they may go into it not feeling that the WS totally got away with it, or consider themselves at a 'disadvantage'. It would also be a big ego booster at a time when they were kicked low. But RAs aren't for everyone. However, In the remote possibility that I was a BS considering a reconciliation, I think it would be something I would have to do.
> 
> ...


I think we are in 100% agreement on this - RAs dont always work but sometimes they do...either way the BS needs to make the Ws face consequences for their breach of trust..in the case discussed by the OP I guarantee you the BH never made her face any consequences - he just sat around in a sad state - big mistake - he should have exposed the OM to his new wife and shook his life up and then dealt with his own wife - if he did nothing but grieve it explains why five years later he is still in this state and lets be honest from the tone of her posts she does not repsect him...


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

SoulCrushed16 said:


> Tang has very valid points. That chick Amy is vapid.
> I'll give him an hour or two.


She s an example of a WS who never had to face any real consequences - her H sounds like all he did was sit around and grieve - which makes her uncomfrotable since she wants her "happines"


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## weltschmerz (Feb 18, 2016)

Title is funny as fvck.

I saw a few threads in SI, lovely read. Especially in the days following my Dday.

TAM, by comparison, is brutally honest. But it does have a tendency of stacking up the "2x4"s and trying to build a shack specially designed for an alpha male circle jerk.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

They did not have an Open Marriage, they decided to do that - but never actually did it.


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## DeadEyedSuburbanite (Apr 19, 2016)

metallicaluvr said:


> I can't see her post history since I'm not a member there anymore. are her posts as bad as he's making out to be? :surprise:
> 
> if true, that really sucks that she didn't even give their marriage a chance before she went for this guy. I just can't forgive people like that, they're utter selfish scum.


Tang left out that she also lied to their MC.

I think she's still lying. In her latest post she wrote that her last contact with AP was 10 years ago, and that her husband found out about the affair five years ago. But in her first post she wrote that she lied to the MC because



> I wanted the sizzle of attention from AP and the love of my BH. I thought I could have it BOTH. I did not care.


which makes it sound like she was still involved with the AP when her hubby found out. No wonder he is having trouble trusting her. Has she ever been honest with him, ever?


----------



## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

DeadEyedSuburbanite said:


> Tang left out that she also lied to their MC.
> 
> I think she's still lying. In her latest post she wrote that her last contact with AP was 10 years ago, and that her husband found out about the affair five years ago. But in her first post she wrote that she lied to the MC because
> 
> ...


Someone just really gave it to her on her post there. Was that you? If yes, nice! XD enough of all that wayward coddling, I really think more BS's there need to stand up to the moderators.


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

DeadEyedSuburbanite said:


> Tang left out that she also lied to their MC.
> 
> I think she's still lying. In her latest post she wrote that her last contact with AP was 10 years ago, and that her husband found out about the affair five years ago. But in her first post she wrote that she lied to the MC because
> 
> ...


She'd last 2 seconds in a forum where she was actually questioned abut the holes in her story..and I bet her "R" has not been 5 years either because each time a new piece of the story comes out that she has hidden the clock on healing goes back to zero IMO....I'd also like to ask her Bh - when is enough enough - when does the betrayal and the lies reach a point where you say get the fvck out of my life...I wonder how her kids can respect her either after this...what a mess...

BTW one poster who did challenge her got taken to the woodshed..typical SI...


----------



## Doc Who (Sep 9, 2012)

Amy is just a long line of lying waywards (Neznayou is the latest shown to have been lying ALL the time) on that site that flock there to get hugs and told they are "worthy" and crap like that, all while lying about their lives. The story ALWAYS goes something like this - my husband is good, but he <insert flaw here>. He is controlling/scary/angry/insecure (I think that is Edith's go-to move). And my affair partner is so gentile, exciting, perfect. I have tied so hard to R. I have grown SO MUCH. Why isn't my life perfect where I get to have hubby provide security and I get to have affairs for excitement?" (Okay, so they never directly ask that last question, but it is clearly implied.)

And that lap that stuff up over there.

Even the waywards that typically disavow such stories and push back are told to be respectful.

There really is only one purpose for that forum - it is to give those in affairs more ego kibbles under the guise of helping them.

Do yourself a favor and don't post over there.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

metallicaluvr said:


> go join blondilocks and her little clique and ***** about me in the private forums, mate. i don't care for your crap on mine.


On your what? Your forum? Your threads?

No. They are not yours. 

They are for everyone who can follow the rules and post civilly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

marduk said:


> Have you asked him why he doesn't tell you @LosingHim?
> 
> Because not being able to say it is very different than not feeling it. And both are different than not being sure if you do.


I haven't asked him straight out why he won't say it. And I'm not asking him to come up and say "I love you". At this point, I'm just missing the "I love you too" when I say it to him. I'm met with silence. Sometimes I'll text him and just say "Have a good day, love you!" I'll get back "You have a good day as well" or on a good day, I'll get an emoji blowing a kiss. 

I have brought up that it bothers me that he won't say it back and that it worries me that I'll never hear it again. I'm met with silence. If I asked him straight out why he won't say it, I can guarantee I'll get a "I dunno". That's his go to answer for every difficult question. 

Actually it’s his answer to every question.This past Friday I asked him what time he had to leave for his baseball games Saturday morning. He coaches and they had a double header. His answer? “I dunno”. I mean, I understand he doesn’t know the exact minute he’s leaving, but I’d imagine if the games started at 10, he’d know that he’d be leaving around 9:00 to get to the field, make sure all the kids were there, set up, etc. But instead he just says “I dunno”. He did the same last night. We’re supposed to go on vacation in May and the length of time we’re going for is up in the air. I have to request vacation from work. I said “How long do you want to go?” Answer? “I dunno”. I can guarantee that if I ask him why he won’t say it, his answer will be “I dunno”. 

I think that’s what makes a lot of this R so difficult. He won’t discuss anything.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Not good LH


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Not good LH


Agreed. It's really bothering me.

In the interest of not thread jacking, feel free to comment on this on my post if anyone has any insight.


----------



## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

metallicaluvr said:


> Waywards that have "found God" are the funniest goddamn people ever.


QTF!!! Truer words were never spoken!


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Look, I get both sides of the story. I really do. I know a lot of people are bitter, and I get that too. This is life, and we are all just trying to live it. People get addicted to stuff. Stuff that they know they aren't supposed to do. Honestly, most wayward spouses hate themselves just as much as their spouse does. People are weak and I have empathy for many. It's easy to just call someone an ******* or no integrity or no morals. Most people aren't like that. It's not that I defend it or really even understand it. But I know, just like many other addictions or disorders people have, it's more than just having low character.


----------



## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> Who determines how much work or how long is the right amount? I'm not saying you're wrong in what you posted. But honestly how is that quantified?
> 
> When I decided to say yes to R, I meant for the long haul, I don't want to be divorced ever again and I'll do everything in MY power to prevent it.
> 
> ...


LH, you making the decision for him that he'd be happier without you seems counterproductive. You should leave the marriage because it is not working and can't be fixed. Why be a martyr about it, and then down the road whine that you wanted your marriage, wanted your marriage to work, but you sacrificed it to make your h happy? Really? That's sitting in the victim chair. 

You've done what you can to get the marriage on a healthy footing and put it in a place to move forward and get better. I mean, sure, you cheated, briefly, but he did for years. You are harder on yourself than you are on in him, and I often wonder if that is due to the fact that there was physical contact between you and a man and you're not sure there was in your h's and his ex-gf's case. The thing is, though, he took emotional time and energy FROM YOUR MARRIAGE to be invested in a relationship with an ex-gf. 

Yes, it is up to you to decide when, if that's what you come to want, to leave the marriage. It is up to you to decide how much work there is do and whether it can be done and whether the hurts of the past can be overcome. But it takes two, and if your h isn't pulling his weight, then maybe there were existing problems before the affairs that will continue beyond the mutual affairs that make the marriage untenable. 

But choosing to leave to make your husband happy seems to me making a choice that affects you before you really know what your husband wants or doesn't want. He clearly seems to want the marriage but doesn't seem to want to work at it, so maybe he wants the marriage for what's in it for him.


----------



## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> Agreed. It's really bothering me.
> 
> In the interest of not thread jacking, feel free to comment on this on my post if anyone has any insight.


Doesn't sound like reconciliation, really, to me.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

LosingHim said:


> I haven't asked him straight out why he won't say it. And I'm not asking him to come up and say "I love you". At this point, I'm just missing the "I love you too" when I say it to him. I'm met with silence. Sometimes I'll text him and just say "Have a good day, love you!" I'll get back "You have a good day as well" or on a good day, I'll get an emoji blowing a kiss.
> 
> I have brought up that it bothers me that he won't say it back and that it worries me that I'll never hear it again. I'm met with silence. If I asked him straight out why he won't say it, I can guarantee I'll get a "I dunno". That's his go to answer for every difficult question.
> 
> ...


Talk to him.

Ask him if he loves you. If he says "I dunno" say "I need an answer."

If he doesn't give you one, it means "No."


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Doc Who said:


> Amy is just a long line of lying waywards (Neznayou is the latest shown to have been lying ALL the time) on that site that flock there to get hugs and told they are "worthy" and crap like that, all while lying about their lives. The story ALWAYS goes something like this - my husband is good, but he <insert flaw here>. He is controlling/scary/angry/insecure (I think that is Edith's go-to move). And my affair partner is so gentile, exciting, perfect. I have tied so hard to R. I have grown SO MUCH. Why isn't my life perfect where I get to have hubby provide security and I get to have affairs for excitement?" (Okay, so they never directly ask that last question, but it is clearly implied.)
> 
> And that lap that stuff up over there.
> 
> ...


Yeah it is a chorus of whining over there...and I agree the forum does provide cheaters with ego kibbles and encourages BSs to roll over in one way or another...


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

SoulCrushed16 said:


> I saw this post as well by Amy. One of the Waywards there called her out pretty harshly and got reprimanded by the SI Staff. I'm glad someone said something to her. She's incredibly selfish.
> 
> I don't think that chick understood the sh1tstorm she dumped on her poor husband. Poor guy.


Doesn't understand or doesn't care..i mean it is all about her "happiness"


----------



## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Doesn't understand or doesn't care..i mean it is all about her "happiness"


If she cared the whole thing would not have happened.


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

rzmpf said:


> If she cared the whole thing would not have happened.


I do think the waywards in that section do put on a show...since no one is there to call them on their bullsh!t,...


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

threelittlestars said:


> Okay....Slight tangent question. But since we are talking about posters on SI, I wonder about a lot of posters that just seemingly disappear. There was this one poster around thanksgiving (Phenix..???) she caught her husband looking up like craigslist and personals while he was away (Military) and he immediately asked for divorce and went total NC on her for weeks. Then she got all hot and dolled up around christmas when he came to get his stuff. She posted a few times as the new year rang but then she just NEVER CAME BACK. I have been so weirded out by her situation for nearly 6 months! Was she banned or something? SI does not have an open "banned person thread" and it seems its Mafia/KGB like over there. People just disappear. No explanation, just a terse response that they are not welcome back and crickets as if US the support system are not allowed to understand something that happened behind the scene... Its weird.
> 
> And it looks like banning is so much more common there than here. But I have only been here a month. What do I know?


the way to know if someone is banned over there is to send them a private message. If you are sent back to their home page right away without being able to, they are banned. I remember that thread.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

DeadEyedSuburbanite said:


> Tang left out that she also lied to their MC.
> 
> I think she's still lying. In her latest post she wrote that her last contact with AP was 10 years ago, and that her husband found out about the affair five years ago. But in her first post she wrote that she lied to the MC because
> 
> ...


Amy44 is the definition of scum


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> She'd last 2 seconds in a forum where she was actually questioned abut the holes in her story..and I bet her "R" has not been 5 years either because each time a new piece of the story comes out that she has hidden the clock on healing goes back to zero IMO....I'd also like to ask her Bh - when is enough enough - when does the betrayal and the lies reach a point where you say get the fvck out of my life...I wonder how her kids can respect her either after this...what a mess...
> 
> BTW one poster who did challenge her got taken to the woodshed..typical SI...


someone over there called her out on it this morning.

I agree Truthseeker, her husband rugswept it. He should have curbed her skanky a$$ 5 years ago


----------



## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

wmn1 said:


> the way to know if someone is banned over there is to send them a private message. If you are sent back to their home page right away without being able to, they are banned. I remember that thread.


I'm banned from SI. No explanation, just couldn't log in one day. I said fvck it and never asked either. Tired of the rules being arbitrarily enforced.


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> someone over there called her out on it this morning.
> 
> I agree Truthseeker, her husband rugswept it. He should have curbed her skanky a$$ 5 years ago


When confronted with a problem like this - if one doesn't act if will add to the feeling of impotence - which is why Middleman has a great point about the BS doling out consequences in one form or another..I'm all for whatever the BS needs to do to heal...


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I see that SI is quick to squash anyone who actually is holding amy accountable. I wish she could get a load of this thread dedicated to her scum actions.  One person just received a PM stating that they likely can't post in the WW section anymore. MAFIA man....SI mafia.


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> I'm banned from SI. No explanation, just couldn't log in one day. I said fvck it and never asked either. Tired of the rules being arbitrarily enforced.


That's odd..I wonder why they would ban you...


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

threelittlestars said:


> I see that SI is quick to squash anyone who actually is holding amy accountable. .


Thats how it seems to work there...all ego kibbles a lot less accountability..unless you are a Bs then you are expected to behave yourself after discovery..see how that works?


----------



## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

I wanted to register over there a week or two ago but never got a response email. I mean it said that they could need several days to work through the applications but weeks? Seem to be more busy with swinging the banhammer. 
Too bad, reading the wayward section is always good for a laugh (or make you doubt humanity's future). These completely nonselfaware and entitled people who "need" IC to heroically realise that they are selfish dishonest a-holes, man they make me wish I was a counselor to pull their money out of their pockets.


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

rzmpf said:


> I wanted to register over there a week or two ago but never got a response email. I mean it said that they could need several days to work through the applications but weeks? Seem to be more busy with swinging the banhammer.
> Too bad, reading the wayward section is always good for a laugh (or make you doubt humanity's future). These completely nonselfaware and entitled people who "need" IC to heroically realise that they are selfish dishonest a-holes, man they make me wish I was a counselor to pull their money out of their pockets.


I also love it when the lave "seen the light' and talk about the new found boundaries they are putting in place for them and their BS...


----------



## Fenris (Mar 4, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> As a cheater there was nothing special about her.
> 
> As a person who walked through the TAM gauntlet to get to the bottom of her poor boundaries, she did everything just as about as right as a remorseful wayward could. Many of the posters were brutal,towards her, but she didn't run away or get defensive. She didn't make lame excuses or blame her husband.


:iagree:

She owned her crap.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Fenris said:


> :iagree:
> 
> She owned her crap.


agreed...she paid dearly for her ONS - unlike a lot of waywards...she knew she did wrong and owned it and paid the price...thats why people like her...


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## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

metallicaluvr said:


> SoulCrushed16 said:
> 
> 
> > Tang has very valid points. That chick Amy is vapid.
> ...


Her posts are pretty bad. Very self righteous and completely lacking of remorse. She also keeps changing time lines on people so it's very confusing to those who are trying to "help" her. Tang got banned for his(?) two cents. Lol.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

SoulCrushed16 said:


> Her posts are pretty bad. Very self righteous and completely lacking of remorse. She also keeps changing time lines on people so it's very confusing to those who are trying to "help" her. Tang got banned for his(?) two cents. Lol.


Hmmm..her timeline keeps changing.....it makes you wonder if she is lying about her A or if she is not for real and just trying to upset people...

Tang was banned - cant say that im shocked the site should be renamed "surviving the ban hammer" lol


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## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> I haven't asked him straight out why he won't say it. And I'm not asking him to come up and say "I love you". At this point, I'm just missing the "I love you too" when I say it to him. I'm met with silence. Sometimes I'll text him and just say "Have a good day, love you!" I'll get back "You have a good day as well" or on a good day, I'll get an emoji blowing a kiss.
> 
> I have brought up that it bothers me that he won't say it back and that it worries me that I'll never hear it again. I'm met with silence. If I asked him straight out why he won't say it, I can guarantee I'll get a "I dunno". That's his go to answer for every difficult question.
> 
> ...


LH do you think it might be because of OW/ExGf? Do you think his feelings for her actually run deeper than what you've initially thought? 
I'm also in the same boat, expect my H is the one telling me and I won't say it back to him. It makes me feel too vulnerable and I still need time to process his betrayal. So me telling him that "I love you too" feels like I'm ready to forgive him when I'm not ready. He says it and I just nod. Our MC said this is perfectly normal until I'm ready. It doesn't mean I don't love him, I'm just not ready to be that vulnerable yet.


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## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

Truthseeker1 said:


> SoulCrushed16 said:
> 
> 
> > Her posts are pretty bad. Very self righteous and completely lacking of remorse. She also keeps changing time lines on people so it's very confusing to those who are trying to "help" her. Tang got banned for his(?) two cents. Lol.
> ...


My sentiments exactly TS1! She could very well be lying; however, some of the things that chick says are so wrong. 
She actually wanted AP to be the father to her children and they are soul mates but their "commitments" are in the way etc...

The Wayward section is a complete joke over there. I find myself thinking 'if this was TAM there would be no survivors'.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

SoulCrushed16 said:


> My sentiments exactly TS1! She could very well be lying; however, some of the things that chick says are so wrong.
> She actually wanted AP to be the father to her children and they are soul mates but their "commitments" are in the way etc...
> 
> The Wayward section is a complete joke over there. I find myself thinking 'if this was TAM there would be no survivors'.


her latest post is deliberately provocative and confrontational - makes me think it could be two things - she is trolling and wants reactions or she really is a remorseless cheater..if she is real she is lacking in the remorse department..if she is real from her posts it seems like she wants a divorce but does not want to come out looking like the bad guy...at least she admits her H did nothing to deserve what she did...

but i agree the wayward section there is a joke and it is an undeserved "safe space" which has turned into a cesspool...if you want to have a wayward section fine - but let them be challenged..no stop signs..and stop banning folks for 2 x 4s...the banning makes me think they want to protect cheaters..that is how it seems to me..but given who the founder of the site is I'm not surprised..


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

SoulCrushed16 said:


> LH do you think it might be because of OW/ExGf? Do you think his feelings for her actually run deeper than what you've initially thought?
> I'm also in the same boat, expect my H is the one telling me and I won't say it back to him. It makes me feel too vulnerable and I still need time to process his betrayal. So me telling him that "I love you too" feels like I'm ready to forgive him when I'm not ready. He says it and I just nod. Our MC said this is perfectly normal until I'm ready. It doesn't mean I don't love him, I'm just not ready to be that vulnerable yet.


Honestly, that's my fear. That he can't say it because his feelings for the ex were/are deeper than he admitted.

She posted on her twitter today "Actually what I miss most is our friendship". Ummmm...... if it's just what he says it was, talking her and there over the years and nothing more and ONLY escalated to phone conversations when we were 'separated', of which there were only a few that escalated quickly to her possibly having feelings for him just from the 'feeling' that he got from her, nothing concrete that she actually SAID....then why is she posting for 2 months about having a broken heart and how she misses the friendship the most? Seems to me it ran even deeper than I already thought. 

As far as if he can't say it yet. I'm fine with that. I fully understand he may still be processing things, he hasn't forgiven me, he's not sure if he can say it, etc. the list goes on. But if that's the case he should TELL me why he can't say it. If we're supposed to be open, honest and transparent - which is what I've asked for - and told him that that is something I need, no matter how much he thinks it will hurt me - then he needs to tell me why. If he can't be vulnerable enough to say "I don't say it because of XYZ" then just say "I'm just not ready yet". 

I'm not ready to trust him yet. No idea when I'll be able to. But I don't sit there in silence when something about trust comes up. I look at him point blank and say "I don't trust you and haven't for a while, if you want trust back you need to XYZ". 

He can say how he feels about some things. Rarely, but he will. Sunday I was doing laundry and housework, I was tired. He was working outside. I went out to smoke, he was sitting on the front porch. Our front porch is tiny. I wasn't going to ask him to get up so I could sit down. He'd been working hard too. So I walked out back where I could sit down on the deck. 

He came in the house about 10 minutes later and said "Why were you sitting out back?" I said "I wanted a smoke, but I wanted to sit down and you were sitting on the porch so I went out back where I could sit". He said "Oh, so you couldn't sit out front with me?" I said "J, you had stuff all over the porch, there was nowhere for me to sit". He rolled his eyes and walked out the door. So he can communicate (in a childish way) that it bothered him I didn't sit on the porch with him, but he can't say "I'm not ready to tell you I love you"? 

Tired of playing this chase game so I'm just not doing it anymore. Torn between wanting him to know that I love him, but not sacrificing myself in the process. Tired of carrying the weight of what I did (which I NEED to carry) but also carrying the weight of what he did with no remorse or effort from him. 

He doesn't have to say I love you. But there is a hell of a lot more that he could be doing that he refuses to do.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You both need to stop playing games and start communicating. 

The eye rolls instead of talking is on you. Because all he said is that he wanted you there with him. And that's a good thing. 

PS quit smoking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I've never been to SI. As wayward from what everyone describes it doesn't sound like the place for me. I'm sure some wonder why I lurk here. It actually helps me. Reading about cheating and the life consequences associated with it is a reminder for me of what could happen to me and my family. It makes answering the question, "is it worth it" easy, if that makes sense.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

marduk said:


> You both need to stop playing games and start communicating.
> 
> The eye rolls instead of talking is on you. Because all he said is that he wanted you there with him. And that's a good thing.
> 
> ...


If you have advice on how to get him to actually TALK, I'm all ears.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

LosingHim said:


> If you have advice on how to get him to actually TALK, I'm all ears.


Rolling your eyes and walking away helps him talk how?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

marduk said:


> Rolling your eyes and walking away helps him talk how?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't roll my eyes and walk away. HE did.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

LosingHim said:


> I didn't roll my eyes and walk away. HE did.


Totally sorry. I misread that. 

He's being disrespectful to you. 

I would confront him about that and insist you know his feelings towards you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I've never been to SI. As wayward from what everyone describes it doesn't sound like the place for me. I'm sure some wonder why I lurk here. It actually helps me. Reading about cheating and the life consequences associated with it is a reminder for me of what could happen to me and my family. It makes answering the question, "is it worth it" easy, if that makes sense.


You seem remorseful to me @ReformedHubby - the case we have been discussing the WW's tone does not seem remorseful at all..id say its provocative.


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## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> If you have advice on how to get him to actually TALK, I'm all ears.


So sorry for your pain LH. J's passive aggressive behavior is concerning. Too bad he won't go to IC. Hopefully you're still going? It seems as if you're the only one who's doing the R. 

Anyway, just because he doesn't want to talk doesn't mean that you should stop, so keep talking. We all know that you're owning your sh1t and he should too! His ExGF needs to go jump off a cliff.


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## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

Read vnusmars post on SI. It's titled "Here again after another A". 

This guys is the epitome of an a$$hat. Married 3 times, second marriage ended because his BW discovered his multiple A's. He went to counseling and got "better" only to get married his third BW and cheat on her too with some groupie (he's a musician). He never DISCLOSED his other A's to his new wife, she doesn't/didn't know why he got divorced the second time. Now he's trying to get advice again on how to "fix" his marriage as he just had a come to Jesus moment. He has discovered that he's not "well" and is going to IC again (the same IC that he saw for his previous affairs) to get to the bottom of "this". 

Some people just really don't get it do they??


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## Kobold (Dec 5, 2015)

When a cheating spouse decides to divorce their betrayed partner it's just more evidence that their vows truly meant nothing to them all along. Not like you needed any more evidence, what with the whole affair thing, but it's there for you none the less.

A part of this trend is cultural IMO, there was a time when people(by and large) were actually held accountable by their families for their actions. If a WW tried to leave her BH even her own mother would have denied her a place to stay and told her something akin to "You made your bed, now lie in it." 

But now that's all changed and most people are no longer interested in keeping their word or persevering through life's challenges(even when they themselves invited these challenges into their life with their adultery) but rather seek to find the easiest way out of their problems they can find and most of the people in their life will gladly oblige them cause they're doing the same thing themselves.

I hate to make it gender based, but women in particular are being bombarded with this message through our media and popular culture nowadays. So much so that there's an entire industry of books, talk shows and films centered around the concept that women living for themselves at the expense of their husbands and children is actually female empowerment. Basically "Eat, Pray, Love" is their bible and the coddling therapist they pay to tell them what they want to hear is their high priest.

I see this subject as one of the simplest ones out there, don't get me wrong some things in life aren't so black and white, but this one most definitely is. It's very simple "You broke it, you bought it." or in other words, if you don't wanna live with a spouse who's a big ol' Debbie Downer after your affair, then don't have an affair. See how easy that was?


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