# He needs to get a life



## mitkit46 (Jan 19, 2009)

I am so frustrated and lonely. My husband hasn't initiated any kind of activity for us since we have been married. He seems to have little interest in anything other than playing video games and going to work. 

We've had sex three times since we've been married. (July it will be two years!) Once on our honeymoon, labor day and memorial day. He NEVER initiates sex, yet he will watch porn in the middle of the night and take care of himself (if you know what I mean). 

I have asked him not to do that anymore hoping that he will come to me instead, but, it has been a couple months and he has not come to me.

I'm so lonely. He ruins any time that we do spend together. If one little thing does not go the way he thinks it should, he gets angry and frustrated and pretty much a pain in the ass to be around. He doesn't know anything about working around the house, you know, fixing things up. He has no activities of his own except playing his video game and his work.

We are in marriage counseling and it just seems like there are so many things that need to be fixed. Most of it his. He doesn't communicate well. Many times, the reason he is angry is because he didn't communicate what he wanted and I didn't read his mind.

It's like we are living separate lives. Like roomates. I'm getting practically nothing out of this marriage but loneliness.

any thoughts.


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## adp79 (Feb 27, 2009)

Sounds like my soon to be ex husband. Get rid of his ass. It really hurts the first week or so but then you realize how much happier you are without him and how much less you have to do around the house (men are dirty pigs)!


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Make some boundaries with him.

He needs to "curb" his video games to "x" number of hours a day/week and spend more time with you. 

You NEED to have sex more often and his porn addiction needs to stop. Porn is one thing (some think its ok, some think its not like me) but when it is used as a substitute to sex with your partner its VERY destructive to a relationship.

To me he sounds young, inmature, and selfish. Young (video games) and selfish because he'd rather just masturbate to porn than try to satisfy a real woman. In that case he only has to worry about his satisfaction instead of both of yours.

Counseling can help, but all of those issues need to actually be brought out.


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## Unit4 (Mar 15, 2009)

I agree with revitalized. He needs to appreciate he needs the boudaries and not have them imposed upon him, or to come forward, basically, and admit it. Counciling is a good step. With any luck his perpective will change and you won't see the problem again..at least until you are sleeping with the kids on a regular basis 

Guys today, especially young ones, are confronted by porn and treat it lightly as if that's the macho thing to do. Some see what it does to themselves, their ability to communicate and be intimate, so they stop. Then they get married and the joy of the real thing ends up being a trigger for what doesn't work all over again. Hopefully, he'll get with the program and treat it seriously, but trust me, you aren't alone.


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## mitkit46 (Jan 19, 2009)

He's 46!


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

mitkit 46...

I have just posted an article of sorts on this site. the timeline varies from couple to couple, but the contents are about the same.

What attracted the two of you in the beginning? 

How long did you date before marriage?

Did you co-habitate before marriage?

Did he have these issues (on ANY level) before marriage?

Check out the article here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/4557-marriage-handbook.html

Maybe you should print it off and give it to him. Let him know that you are nearing the end of your rope with his behavior.

Let us know how things are going.

~Moog


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## Unit4 (Mar 15, 2009)

mitkit46 said:


> He's 46!


He wasn't married two and a half years ago, I'm assuming, either. I have no idea who you are married to, but its possible that at the age of 46 he will have the maturity to at least recognize what is dysfunctional. Simply getting married is enough of a lifestyle change that it can produce the unexpected. I am not defending him, but the situation may not be permanent. In counciling, does he convincingly renounce his own behavior, or defend and thereby open the door to perpetuating it?


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## mitkit46 (Jan 19, 2009)

Moogvu - I printed - will read tonight, Thank you

No, when I said in last counseling session that I was dying of lonliness, it really seemed to effect him. He was quite sad and said he feels like he is letting me down. Of course, my heart is still somewhat hardened so my reply was "this isn't the first time you've heard this". Well, actually even though it isn't the first time I've said it - perhaps it is the first time he actually "heard" it. But, also, he has a habit of recognizing things and not doing anything about it.

So, I don't know. He promised that this weekend we will do something together. We'll see.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

mitkit46-

I'm getting a lot of flack for writing this, see what you think - please don't hit me  http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/4561-difference-between-men-women-who-go-off-sex.html


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

hey mitkit your H sounds like mine! Mine's off porn now, but still loves his video games. 

What do you do in your spare time? Do you have any hobbies that you really love? when you say you are dying of loneliness, that tells me that you are unhealthy enmeshed with your H. Believe me i know how you feel and thats why i know you need to fix your own loneliness. 

My H and are very different in terms of what we like to do for fun. So now we both plan something once a month that we want to do. it can be anything. For example I planned tennis. I actually hate tennis, but my H likes it. it doesnt have to be what the other wants, but the other has to participate. 

Something that has really helped my H and I is doing boundary books together. And i do meditation and read books to quell my own anger and frustrations towards my H.


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## mitkit46 (Jan 19, 2009)

Yes, that's just it. I have all kinds of things going on. I garden, I have multiple projects going on around the house,...problem is, I moved here from another state to be with him and it's hard finding friends at 46, especially with no children or grand-children, so I do rely on him for companionship.

I am trying (probably too hard), to get some friends to take the pressure off him. 

I like the idea of at least once a month doing something together. I would have to attach a rule to it though. NO WHINING, COMPLAINING, OR BEING AN *******.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

mitkit46 said:


> I moved here from another state to be with him and it's hard finding friends at 46, especially with no children or grand-children, so I do rely on him for companionship.


ya, i know what you mean. i moved states to be with my H too and it took me a couple years to adjust. Im still working on the friends part. My H is not social so its hard to be social with him. and its a complete lifestyle change for me. but just hand in there and keep trying to meet people. that's what im doing. 

my H and I have an understanding that we cant complain about what the other has planned either. it takes a lot of pressure off.


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