# The pain is getting worse everyday



## ddrake (Oct 24, 2014)

Sadly I am new to this forum but 6 months into an unwanted and shock separation. Together for 18 years. Got the usual I don't love you speech and I need space to clear my head. So foolishly I left my home and my two boys aged 9 and 5 as I didn't want to put my boys out of their home. Not long after I moved out was sent a text saying I want a divorce and any contact made in the early stages was her screaming and screaming and blaming me for everything. I have never had an affair but I do admit to lately neglecting her emotionally as I have two jobs (no excuse) but have been constantly tired and I guess the night work has taken its toll on me. She says there will be no counselling as it's no point, she is done. So six months on I am living on my mates floor, can't eat, sleep nor function in any way. I feel I will loose both jobs as I can't focus on anything but the trouble I am in. Miss my wife and kids unbelievably.
Unlike me she has a high paying job so can fend for herself easily. I so want my old life back. I have had no reason to believe she is having an affair but of course who knows the real truth only her. Sorry to vent.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are clearly depressed, most likely what's often referred to as a situational depression. You might want to see your doctor about some antidepressants so you can more effectively deal with this situation.

Has your wife filed for divorce? 

How long have you been married?

How many children do you have and how old are they?

Your house is still your legal residence. If at all possible you need to move back in. She cannot kick you out of your own legal home. 

It's time for you to see an attorney to get your ducks in a row. If she makes a lot more than you, she might end up paying you child support and alimony. Fight for 50/50 custody as your kids need their father too. 

She might have a change of heart once she realizes that she is going to be losing some things in the divorce process.


----------



## forthekids64 (Jun 1, 2014)

The kids are paramount, fight for the kids, fight for the house, fight for everything.
Takes time for the hurting to stop, it never goes away entirely though especially if you ever really loved her.


----------



## ddrake (Oct 24, 2014)

Together for 18 years, married for 11. Two boys aged 9 and 5. Am on anti depressants. No she hasn't filed as we have to be separated for a year to get divorced here. I can't move back in because if she then leaves I can't afford the mortgage on my wages.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

ddrake said:


> Together for 18 years, married for 11. Two boys aged 9 and 5. Am on anti depressants. No she hasn't filed as we have to be separated for a year to get divorced here. I can't move back in because if she then leaves I can't afford the mortgage on my wages.


If you file for divorce you should be able to get spousal support based on her being a higher wage earner than you. You should speak with an attorney, each and every state is different with requirements but in most states with waiting periods you should be able to get a temp order in place.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Are you able to spend time with your children?


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Right now you need to pick yourself up off the floor and fight for your boys.

You might want to read up on the 180 as well. Not to get her back, but to shore yourself up and provide a stable parent for your boys.

Its a bad situation, but you cant let it get the best of you.


----------



## ddrake (Oct 24, 2014)

She is reasonably flexible with the children so long as it suits her. Its hard with my night job to have them too much at night. I have panic attacks when I have to swap them over. She has said I am a terrific father so that is something. She is so cold and mean I wonder what has gone wrong. I try to check if there is someone else but in 6 months have found no evidence, she just says she doesn't love me anymore. Pull the rug, end of story. This is the woman I love with all my heart. I've made mistakes I know I have but not to tell me so I can change is so cruel. She says I should have known she was unhappy, maybe I should have but I didn't.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ddrake said:


> Together for 18 years, married for 11. Two boys aged 9 and 5. Am on anti depressants. No she hasn't filed as we have to be separated for a year to get divorced here. I can't move back in because if she then leaves I can't afford the mortgage on my wages.


If she leaves she cannot leave with the children. You need to see an attorney to ask about setting up some things while the separation is in progress. You might be able to get interim spousal support and child support while the separation is in progress. Basically you would get 50% of your joint income.

You can also talk to the lawyer about setting things up so that if your move back into the home, she cannot leave with the children. The court always prefers status quo. So the children stay where they are.

If you do not move back in, with the 50% of income you will be able to get a place and have your children for a good part of the time.

If you don't have money to pay the attorney, ask to get a court order for your attorney fees to be paid out of community assets & income. So basically your wife will be paying your attorney.

A large part of the reason you are feeling so down is that when a person feels like they have zero control over their situation, they become depressed. Action is what you need. You need to take control of your life which includes the things I mentioned above.


----------



## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

I am sorry you are here Ddrake, I understand your feeling and hope for you to be able to take the best steps little by little to solve this situation whatever the outcoming may be. Try to think of your and your children. Think about the relation taking the kids out of the equation for a moment; mine are 23 and 25 and still hurts them looking at us going through this; so there is no age for our kids to cope with that easier. 

Hope you can start taking the steps that are required according to your situation and state you live to get a fast solution to this. 

You are not alone.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> This is the woman I love with all my heart.


No you don't. This is the woman you should really resent with all your body (and you do) because she's hurt you more than anyone ever can.

Make that realization internally and grow a pair of balls. Get angry. Very angry. Anger is your best friend. It'll help you show her what you're made of.

Don't love her. You may retain a soft-spot for her later on because she's the mother of your children, but as far as romance goes, you should simply feel nothing but anger towards her (for a while). Later on, you can substitute indifference for your anger. By then, you'll be happily detached from her and wondering "what the hell was I thinking saying I love her?!"

This woman has betrayed you. Don't love her.

Here's your ticket to freedom:

1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*

2. Follow the following rules: *The 180 degree rules*

3. Read this short book in the next 24 hours: *No More Mr. Nice Guy
* 
4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night. 

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: *DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?*

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend time with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

If your wife makes so much money why do you have a second job? there's more to this story..... what is it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

honcho said:


> If you file for divorce you should be able to get spousal support based on her being a higher wage earner than you. You should speak with an attorney, each and every state is different with requirements but in most states with waiting periods you should be able to get a temp order in place.


^ Listen to this advice.

Even if you feel like you want to roll over and die.

She's the higher wage earner. She has a legal responsibility to support you, that's what marriage is all about.

Besides, if you move back in and if she moves out and if she stops paying the mortgage and if the bank ultimately forecloses (which could take years), her credit is going to take a huge hit and she might not want that.


----------



## ddrake (Oct 24, 2014)

To lifeistooshort. My first job was working at home for an insurance company taking phone calls. I did this so the kids didn't need childcare before and after school plus my little one was still at home full time. She was the higher earner and had a career path so it suited her too. She earns good money but not huge money. My night job was in a factory, I did this as I felt I wasn't providing enough for the family. But now I can't leave it as I need money to survive by myself. I think she may be one of those WAW's I have read about on here. Everything I did I felt was for the good of the family but I have made mistakes in my choices. I should have been the man in the house and had a decent job that paid more so she could stay at home but she never wanted that she said at the time but now she throws it up in my face.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

lenzi said:


> ^ Listen to this advice.
> 
> Even if you feel like you want to roll over and die.
> 
> ...



Well that depends on the alimony laws where he lives. When I got divorced I didn't ask for it but my lawyer said that judges here aren't inclined to order it most of the time unless we're talking about a sahp with very limited income potential.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

ddrake said:


> To lifeistooshort. My first job was working at home for an insurance company taking phone calls. I did this so the kids didn't need childcare before and after school plus my little one was still at home full time. She was the higher earner and had a career path so it suited her too. She earns good money but not huge money. My night job was in a factory, I did this as I felt I wasn't providing enough for the family. But now I can't leave it as I need money to survive by myself. I think she may be one of those WAW's I have read about on here. Everything I did I felt was for the good of the family but I have made mistakes in my choices. I should have been the man in the house and had a decent job that paid more so she could stay at home but she never wanted that she said at the time but now she throws it up in my face.



Stop blaming yourself!!!


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

if she keeps the kids so she probably won't have to pay him anything.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ddrake said:


> To lifeistooshort. My first job was working at home for an insurance company taking phone calls. I did this so the kids didn't need childcare before and after school plus my little one was still at home full time. She was the higher earner and had a career path so it suited her too. She earns good money but not huge money. My night job was in a factory, I did this as I felt I wasn't providing enough for the family. But now I can't leave it as I need money to survive by myself. I think she may be one of those WAW's I have read about on here. Everything I did I felt was for the good of the family but I have made mistakes in my choices. I should have been the man in the house and had a decent job that paid more so she could stay at home but she never wanted that she said at the time but now she throws it up in my face.


Well whatever else is going on you're not responsible for her not staying at home, especially if she never told you that's what she wanted. You're not a mind reader.

Night jobs are tough on the family. I know.....for many years my dad worked the night shift in a meat packing plant. We didn't get to see him a lot, his sleep schedule was always messed up, and I can't imagine that he had any quality time with my mom. Of course since they couldn't stand each other maybe that was best, but who knows which came first.

I don't think you have many options here besides letting her go, because if you chase her you'll look pathetic and she already doesn't respect you. Just work on yourself and build your own life; if she sees that she might want to be part of it and if not you'll have your life together.


----------



## ddrake (Oct 24, 2014)

Just told by my wife by email that she has panic attacks when I come near her or when she sees me. She says she has felt this way for some time even for 6 months before the separation. So I am guessing with the statement I do not love you anymore and I have panic attacks at the sight of you, my hopes to reconcile are dashed. She refuses counselling. How do I deal with her over the kids for the rest of my life with this bombshell. I only recently started having panic attacks when I have to hand over the kids but I think that is fairly normal in the early stages of divorce I guess. I am so heartbroken.


----------



## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Ddrake, if you are having panic attacks and are on meds, perhaps you should visit your dr.

I know the rejection feeling you are having, it is a process of waves, a rollercoaster, ups and downs that gets shorter peaks little by little. 

Remember you are not alone. You are receiving advise from people here, take them and work on them please so you can end your process sooner than if you just let things happen, this could worse your depression and attacks. 

Come here and vent all you want, tell us about your improvements, even if it is for 15 minutes you felt better, it is a step forward; feels good.


----------



## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Bluebirdie said:


> Ddrake, if you are having panic attacks and are on meds, perhaps you should visit your dr.


Re-read the post...


----------



## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

DayOne said:


> Re-read the post...


I suggested it because he is mentioning that he is also having panic attacks... "I only recently started having panic attacks when I have to hand over the kids".


----------



## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Bluebirdie said:


> I suggested it because he is mentioning that he is also having panic attacks... "I only recently started having panic attacks when I have to hand over the kids".


Fair enough, I thought you were responding to his post above.


Moving on...


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

ddrake said:


> Just told by my wife by email that she has panic attacks when I come near her or when she sees me. She says she has felt this way for some time even for 6 months before the separation. So I am guessing with the statement I do not love you anymore and I have panic attacks at the sight of you, my hopes to reconcile are dashed. She refuses counselling. How do I deal with her over the kids for the rest of my life with this bombshell. I only recently started having panic attacks when I have to hand over the kids but I think that is fairly normal in the early stages of divorce I guess. I am so heartbroken.


Hate to be the one who brings this up...but is there any chance somebody else entered the picture?


----------

