# I think he's at it again...



## EastCoastHopeless (Oct 10, 2012)

Hi all, it's been a few months since I've been on the board. Quick background - married and H and I have a DD together. H confessed to having an emotional and slightly physical (no sex) affair with a close friend of mine. Separated briefly but now we're back together. Now some things are not adding up. Sorry if this is lenghty, i'll try not to make it too confusing.

First off, when we were separated he had his own place, but as we were working things thru, he started staying at our apartment more often. I tried to convince him to give up his place because it was unnecessary money going towards rent but he didn't want to mess up his credit (his credit is already messed up, and he has since messed up mine. different story tho). One morning in March he gave me roses... big surprise there. Seems for no reason. Then later i found out he was moving out of his place and into mine... at that moment . He brought clothes and bags in and then said he was going to get a truck to move his other stuff. Trying to be a good wife, i decided to put the stuff he brought already away. As i was going thru a bag i saw a receipt for a michael kors handbag... dated last April. Well i don't have any michael kors so it wasn't for me . Then i saw a pregnancy box and the receipt for it dated oct 2012. Not mine. Wasn't bought for me. Then i saw papers from a womans clinic talking about post abortion procedures. And a receipt dated oct 2012. The patients name is someone i kno but haven't talked to in over a year. I felt so sick to my stomach. I wanted to give hum the benefit of the doubt, but I'm not stupid. My gut feeling a few months ago was telling me that something wasn't right. I left the test and papers on the sofa so when he got home he can see it. Give him a chance to explain. A couple of days passed and I finally asked my husband about everything because clearly he wasn't going to mention it. He even moved the bag of evidence. I'm guessing he threw it away. He said that he saw the items on the sofa but it wasn't a big deal to him so he didn't say anything. Huh? yea... exactly . We talked, and despite some crying on my part, I remained pretty calm. Some things that he said didn't make sense and I caught 2 lies in his statement. I chose not to call him out on. I feel that in due time he will get himself caught up. But he claimed he got the test from a coworker b/c he wanted to see how it worked and they were trying to get pregnant and are now pregnant. Then when I ask about the abortion papers he said he really needs for me to believe him. Him and the girl's name on the paper are just friends. Nothing more. He doesn't look at her that way and they talk on the phone. She was hooking up with her H whom she's separated from and got pregnant, didn't want the baby and had an abortion. Then called him up and asked to meet to talk. He told her he would throw the stuff away for her. I believe his story is BS. Even IF he didn't get her pregnant, there is more to what he's saying. It just doesn't make sense. And he sees nothing wrong with them being friends despite the fact he has already been unfaithful. 

So lately i've been having that feeling again that something is not right. So yesterday I looked at his bank statement from last month. VERY interesting. Besides the fact that he's been going out to eat a lot. He's clearly paying for more than just himself. Bill totals of $50, $80, over $100 each. And i'm not with him at these places. AND I saw 3 hotel visits on 3 different days, and they're local. And by local I mean they're in this county so there's no need to get a hotel. Trying soooo hard not to jump to conclusion and keep calm. I made photo copies of this statement so i could keep it for record and highlighted the questionable dates. I've also discovered he's def been lying to me. He's been working out of town some days (according to him). I can't verify if the hotel dates are the same as those dates b/c my phone only keeps a limited amount of messages, so those text messages from those dates are gone. But now I am keeping track from here on out. How I know he's lying now is because on Monday night he texted me saying he just got back from out of town for work. And that he should have just stayed up there but he'll have to drive up there in the morning. That text was around 9pm. Well this morning I found a receipt for a restaurant right here in our county for Monday and it was at 6:30pm. So you mean to tell me you were here, then left to drive to out of town and then came right back???? Yea right. But keeping it for my records. 

Am I right to be suspicious?? Even if it's not the worst case scenario of a full blown physical affair, he's def hiding something. Oh and i should mention, he sleeps on the couch every night (his choice). He claims that he sleeps in a way that hurts his arm when he's in the bed. Never heard that before in the last 2 years that we've owned the bed. Occasionally he'll sleep in it, but it's very rare. SMH....all i can think is 'you lying POS!!!'


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Lying and disorganized POS
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bluerunner (Mar 22, 2013)

I am sorry you are going through this again. What ever you do , don't confront him yet, wait for more advice to come along. The people here will help guide you. I made the mistake of confronting too soon and it just made H be more careful about his A. In fact, I think my H is also at it again but he is being very careful this time. I know it's hard to keep quiet for now but others will have some good advice for you.


----------



## EastCoastHopeless (Oct 10, 2012)

Yes, he's getting sloppy! Oh I forgot to add that everyday when he leaves for work, he takes a duffle bag with him filled with a change of nice clean clothes and good shoes (sneakers). Deodorant, lotion, underwear....the whole nine. And on his bank statement i saw charges for a clothing store and i have yet to see any clothes from that store. I do his laundry sometime so I know when he has something new. So clearly he is up to something but I need solid proof to confront him, otherwise he will flip the script. And with his bank statement, I opened it without his permission. He never opens them.

Quick question - whats a VAR? If it has to do with car tracking, his car is in my name so I legally can do what I want with it.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

He is not only cheating, but not being careful. He is not only not being careful, he is undoubtedly having a physical affair with another woman.

If what you have isn't solid proof, other than a video of him at it with this woman I don't know what you need?


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

EastCoastHopeless said:


> Yes, he's getting sloppy! Oh I forgot to add that everyday when he leaves for work, he takes a duffle bag with him filled with a change of nice clean clothes and good shoes (sneakers). Deodorant, lotion, underwear....the whole nine. And on his bank statement i saw charges for a clothing store and i have yet to see any clothes from that store. I do his laundry sometime so I know when he has something new. So clearly he is up to something but I need solid proof to confront him, otherwise he will flip the script. And with his bank statement, I opened it without his permission. He never opens them.
> 
> Quick question - whats a VAR? If it has to do with car tracking, his car is in my name so I legally can do what I want with it.


By the way, a VAR is a Voice Activated Recorder. The fact that it is your car probably matters not one jot as far as the legality goes - any laws that you break will be to do with invasion of privacy and maybe even data protection. I wouldn't worry about it though. As I said above, I don't know why you would need a VAR other than to further torture yourself. 

He is cheating.


----------



## EastCoastHopeless (Oct 10, 2012)

I guess I want more evidence so there could be no way for him to deny anything. I'm thinking about waiting until the next bank statement come and then matching up dates. Now that i'm more aware, I am making sure to keep track of things he says. IE working out of town. 

What's the best way to confront?


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

EastCoastHopeless said:


> I guess I want more evidence so there could be no way for him to deny anything.


Why?

I think you have more than enough. Way more. In this case you don't need a dead carcus to know something has died and stinks.

How to confront?

Easy. Either he goes or you. He's totally worthless.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

FYI, It is highly unlikely that he will break down and admit to anything at this point. That's not the way the A fog works.
Best bet would be to get the identity of the OW and expose.
I had evidence and my STBXH still denied any wrongdoing. I got the following: I don't know where you got that... it wasn't me .. I can explain .... You don't understand ..... it's not what you think..... He still denies anything. Unbelievable.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

EastCoastHopeless said:


> I guess I want more evidence so there could be no way for him to deny anything. I'm thinking about waiting until the next bank statement come and then matching up dates. Now that i'm more aware, I am making sure to keep track of things he says. IE working out of town.
> 
> What's the best way to confront?


Be firm. Stick to your guns.

There have been a couple of posts on here over the last months where one literally caught a guy in the wardrobe and one where he walked in on his wife inflagrante delicto. In both cases they tried to deny; in one case he believed her :scratchhead:

The point is; he is either going to come clean or deny and the evidence won't matter at all. You know he is cheating. The clincher - if one were needed - was the recent "too tired to come back home" when you have hard evidence he was near to home.

You have to sit him down. Let him know what you are about to say is serious and that it is going to mean the end of the marriage either way. 

Don't tell him about the evidence you have. Simply tell him that you have incontrovertible evidence that he is cheating with another woman.

Then shut up.

He will start to deny etc. or come clean.

From thereon in it is the old adage: "No battle plan survives contact with the enemy" so all bets are off and, I am afraid, you are very much on your own.

Stick to what you know is true. Hand him consequences for lies and reward for truth. How the rest pans out is down to him.

Know in your mind that, in the event of lies he is out the door. In the event of truth it's up to you; some decide they can handle it, some don't and most don't know until later.


----------



## EastCoastHopeless (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks for everyone's advice and thoughts thus far. I'm glad to know i'm not reading more into things. 

This is so nerve-racking. In a perfect world, I would just run into him and OW or a friend would and that would be the end of it. Well in a real perfect world, I wouldn't have to worry about being cheated on.


----------



## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

EastCoast - your husband should give up cheating just for the fact he isn't very good at it. There was an old Woody Allen movie called "Take the Money and Run" where Woody played a bank robber/thief and got caught every single time. I feel for you, but your husband doesn't have "any skills" in this area. That's why when you confront him, a denial on his part will seem absolutely ridiculous. If you wait to confront him, he will continue tripping over his own shoes and leaving mountains of evidence!


----------



## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Your first issue is to REWIND all the way back to those abortion papers. How do you let something like that go? You said the name is someone you know but you have not seen in a year. DING DING DING bells goes off... maybe you havent seen her in a year because he is doing the same thing he did with your friend. A man that will get with a friend is a man that crosses the lines beyond boundaries of cheating. 

You need to handle that first before you address the other stuff. You keep trying to give him the benefit of doubt and you're the one suffering. When he said "I need you to believe me" it is because he does not want to admit the hurtful low down and dirty truth that he has done some very hurtful things while he has been in that apartment. Throwing away money on an apartment when he can be at home are signs that he will lose money to gain other benefits of having an apartment away from home.


----------



## EastCoastHopeless (Oct 10, 2012)

lewmin - your post made me laugh lol

He's supposedly out of town again today. His story is that he's been working out of town all week, but chose to drive back and forth every morning and night. I asked if he could drive the company car to help cut down on gas and he said the company van is already up there. He would have had to be packed to stay up there all week if he rode with the others. Ok, but what doesn't make sense, altho we had a special event to attend this week, he could have drove his car up there Monday and stayed until the special event and came back and then went back up to stay the rest of the week. Continuous back and forth makes absolutely NO sense. But as evident by the receipt I found from Monday, his story doesn't check out anyways. I agree, he will continue to slip up. I guess that's what I really want, him to really slip up so he can't deny anything.


----------



## EastCoastHopeless (Oct 10, 2012)

NaturalHeart said:


> Your first issue is to REWIND all the way back to those abortion papers. How do you let something like that go? You said the name is someone you know but you have not seen in a year. DING DING DING bells goes off... maybe you havent seen her in a year because he is doing the same thing he did with your friend. A man that will get with a friend is a man that crosses the lines beyond boundaries of cheating.
> 
> You need to handle that first before you address the other stuff. You keep trying to give him the benefit of doubt and you're the one suffering. When he said "I need you to believe me" it is because he does not want to admit the hurtful low down and dirty truth that he has done some very hurtful things while he has been in that apartment. Throwing away money on an apartment when he can be at home are signs that he will lose money to gain other benefits of having an apartment away from home.


I haven't officially let it go. He just thinks that I have. I took pictures of all of the papers and the pregnancy test that I found. I just haven't figured out how to proceed regarding it. Confronting him already proved he's not going to tell me what's really going on. Me having just that wasn't enough. So I let it be and am continuing to monitor his actions. Many times I wanted to just email them to her and ask her to explain why my H has them. But again, I can see that backfiring so it's on hold for now. I do have the tendency to doubt myself and peoples actions, but this is becoming ridiculous.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You have the name of at least one OW.
Do you love him? Or do you simply want the marriage to "succeed".

Maybe you should have condoms sticking out the top of your purse.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

EastCoast,

If he admitted to everything, and was remorseful, what would you do? If you would want to R, then OK, check back for more advice when you get to that point.

In my opinion, you have more than enough circumstantial evidence to know that he's cheating. He's likely not going to admit anything until he's shown D papers and believes you are serious about leaving him, if he ever will at all.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> She was hooking up with her H whom she's separated from and got pregnant, didn't want the baby and had an abortion. Then called him up and asked to meet to talk. He told her he would throw the stuff away for her. I believe his story is BS. Even IF he didn't get her pregnant, there is more to what he's saying. It just doesn't make sense. And he sees nothing wrong with them being friends despite the fact he has already been unfaithful.


He got her pregnant. She gave him all the material to force him to take responsibility. You should contact her husband and meet him to discuss the matter. Take all the evidence with you. He will likely be able to get the truth out his wife and then share it with you.


----------



## EastCoastHopeless (Oct 10, 2012)

Well today H has been acting differently. He stayed out of town last night to rest so he wouldn't have to drive back, yet he drove back and forth all this week. Whatever. I went out Saturday morning and afternoon and when i got back he was home. He's berm acting husbandly, if that makes sense. Not so much lovey dovey but kept putting his arms around me, trying to feel on me, stuff he doesn't normally do. Plus he bought stuff for the house, a bookcase and desk. 

It's funny he's acting like this when I'm finding stuff. Do you think he's trying to cover his tracks and throw me off?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Kick him out. Today. Don't hesitate. 

I've heard this said around here "he's a good cheater and a bad liar"

Get out while you still can. Do you have kids together?


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Can you tell us more about the OW who had the abortion?

Of course you WH is anxious to paper things over.


----------



## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> By the way, a VAR is a Voice Activated Recorder. The fact that it is your car probably matters not one jot as far as the legality goes - any laws that you break will be to do with invasion of privacy and maybe even data protection. I wouldn't worry about it though. As I said above, I don't know why you would need a VAR other than to further torture yourself.
> 
> He is cheating.


:iagree:


----------



## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

EastCoastHopeless said:


> lewmin - your post made me laugh lol
> 
> He's supposedly out of town again today. His story is that he's been working out of town all week, but chose to drive back and forth every morning and night. I asked if he could drive the company car to help cut down on gas and he said the company van is already up there. He would have had to be packed to stay up there all week if he rode with the others. Ok, but what doesn't make sense, altho we had a special event to attend this week, he could have drove his car up there Monday and stayed until the special event and came back and then went back up to stay the rest of the week. Continuous back and forth makes absolutely NO sense. But as evident by the receipt I found from Monday, his story doesn't check out anyways. I agree, he will continue to slip up. I guess that's what I really want, him to really slip up so he can't deny anything.


Who cares if he denies it....why even wait? We know he is cheating, YOU know he is cheating, and he's a serial cheater and clearly not even remorseful for what he did to you before. Why not just leave his ass regardless of whether he denies it?


----------



## EastCoastHopeless (Oct 10, 2012)

The OW is married but separated. I use to hang out with her along with some other mutual friends. H briefly stayed with them for a couple of months before we married. He was really close to OW husband and when they started having problems he would help him out. Then something happen and they all had a fallen out. I think over money and a car. Me and OW didn't have a falling out, just lost contact. 

Distraut-i don't kno why I'm waiting. I think if a baby wasn't involved it would be easier for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do you think your husband listened to the OWH, pretended to sympathize and then used his inside information to get closer to the OW?

What were the issues that caused the OW and husband to have troubles? Did you husband tell you? Was cheating an issue for them? Had they lost emotional connection?

Pregnancy means unprotected sex. So you are right to feel disturbed. 

Is your husband FB friends with her? You ought to talk with OWH.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I don't think it's possible to throw someone off the scent here because this isn't a mere scent - it's a very obvious, completely unmistakable odor. It's all so clear that you would have to be in very serious denial to think that your H is anything but a blatant cheater. He got a woman pregnant, a woman you know, and helped her get an abortion. He's dating an OW and spending nights in hotels with her. This is truly very obvious. Really very, very obvious.

The question you should be trying to answer now is what you want to do about your marriage. The question is whether you file for divorce or make an effort to reconcile.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

EastCoastHopeless said:


> The OW is married but separated. I use to hang out with her along with some other mutual friends. H briefly stayed with them for a couple of months before we married. He was really close to OW husband and when they started having problems he would help him out. Then something happen and they all had a fallen out. I think over money and a car. Me and OW didn't have a falling out, just lost contact.
> 
> Distraut-i don't kno why I'm waiting. I think if a baby wasn't involved it would be easier for me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The 'falling out' was the discovery that your husband was having an affair with this other woman. They handled it badly and didn't expose.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> The 'falling out' was the discovery that your husband was having an affair with this other woman. They handled it badly and didn't expose.


Car deals have a way of going wrong when you discover that the buyer/seller test is also test driving the wife.

Again, consider getting in contact with OW husband. He may be very grateful to know that he wife got pregnant and discussed the matter with another man. Major betrayal on OW's part.

Maybe the abortion took place because it was uncertain who the father was.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Given the way he leaves clues in so obvious full view, my guess is that he is having an exit affair. If you don't get it soon enough, what could happen next? Something so obvious and humiliating, you will have to ask for a divorce.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My ex h never fessed up to cheating per say, then continued to put the blame on me. Your husband sounds exactly like a serial cheater and they will not stop. You are getting red flags over and over. It's up to you to acknowledge them and take action. 

I left my ex h even though we had an infant at the time. I became a single parent and a woman moved into my old home just 3 days after I left. They are still together now and it's been 19 years. He cheats on her too. 

I remarried a faithful and honorable man a few years after my divorce. We have a wonderful life as husband and wife.

Good luck. If I were you, I'd leave that marriage for good. This guy won't change for you. He doesn't want to and he sees nothing wrong with what he's doing. He thinks he's outsmarting you with his lies. It's not worth it. I'm very sorry your here.


----------



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Oh yeah he's a cheating lying pyschopath with no empathy or guilt.

At least the OW had an abortion. My STBXH got some skank pregnant and she is keeping it, advertising it all over the internet.

Do what I did and kick his azz to the curb - fast. They never change. NEVER


----------



## EastCoastHopeless (Oct 10, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> Oh yeah he's a cheating lying pyschopath with no empathy or guilt.
> 
> At least the OW had an abortion. My STBXH got some skank pregnant and she is keeping it, advertising it all over the internet.
> 
> Do what I did and kick his azz to the curb - fast. They never change. NEVER


Oh wow....I don't kno what I would do if another child was born. So sorry brokenbythis *hugs*

Everyone is absolutely right. He's cheating and doing a terrible job of hiding it. But just found out that I can't expose him just yet. My MIL is coming to stay for a couple of weeks. FIL passed away a year ago, so right now I wouldn't dare cause stress that can spill over to MIL. She's too sweet. So once she leaves, I'll proceed. By then his new bank statement should be here and i'll have more evidence. In the meantime, I will keep you all posted with any change in his behavior. Knowing him, he's not going to switch up just b/c his mum is here. Bastard!


----------



## EastCoastHopeless (Oct 10, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Do you think your husband listened to the OWH, pretended to sympathize and then used his inside information to get closer to the OW?
> 
> What were the issues that caused the OW and husband to have troubles? Did you husband tell you? Was cheating an issue for them? Had they lost emotional connection?
> 
> ...


Actually that's how the previous EA happened. OW was a really close friend of mine. I express some feelings to her about some things in my marriage. She told him and that's how they got close. They would text, phone, meet up, and the EA turn to some physical actions. So the simple fact that now he doesn't see what's so wrong with him being close to the new girl is mind-boggling. 

My H never told me about OW or her husbands problems. It wasn't until i confronted him about the abortion that he was like OW and OWH are separated....and I told him that I already knew that and he was shocked that I knew. It was common knowledge. They've been separated for a year now. But he didn't share anything else. I do know that OW and OWH lost emotional connection. I'm not on FB but my H is. I don't know who his friends are, but I do know he was on IG for a little while and they were friends there.


----------

