# What is he thinking?



## dreamland1010 (Mar 13, 2017)

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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Depending on how serious your relationships with other people are, if they are committed relationships then this friendship has already become inappropriate. It sounds to me like he wants you as his secret something on the side, under the guise of "close friends."

If you're serious about your LTR, I'd end this friendship. If you think you want a relationship with this friend, I'd end your LTR and see where this one goes.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

Quick question...was alcohol involved in the above events?


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## dreamland1010 (Mar 13, 2017)

introvert said:


> Quick question...was alcohol involved in the above events?


Alcohol was not involved. There was no impairment involved.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

dreamland1010 said:


> And now for my actual questions…
> 
> Does he have deeper feelings for me than friendship or am I completely misinterpreting him? What does “at least not right now” and “for now we should stay just friends” mean? It’s like he’s saying he wants something more at some later date. Does he think something’s going to happen with us later? I’m so confused. But mostly, I’m worried about his feelings because if he thinks somethings going to happen with us at a later date and it doesn’t (because it can’t since we're in relationships) I don’t want him to get hurt.


He wants something more than your current friendship. It sounds like he wants a fiends with benefits relationship with you while both of you are involved with other people. 

He keeps trying in hopes that he propositions you at a moment when you are weak.

Most men will not spend this much time with a woman unless he is interested in having sex with her.

Have you told your boyfriend that this guy has tried kissing you a few times?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

dreamland1010 said:


> *I told him that if I could I would be open to being more than friends, but that neither of us is in a position for that to happen.*


Six years?


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## dreamland1010 (Mar 13, 2017)

badsanta said:


> Six years?


Yes, we have been friends for 6 years.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

dreamland1010 said:


> Yes, we have been friends for 6 years.


If you are open to being more than just friends, than six years is a very long time for that not to happen!

Have both of you been in relationships/dating other people the whole time? Is one of the two of you married?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

dreamland1010 said:


> I told him that if I could I would be open to being more than friends, but that neither of us is in a position for that to happen.


So you basically told him to keep trying.

If you two are so compatible, why don't you end our relationships with others and just the two of you be together?


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## dreamland1010 (Mar 13, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> He wants something more than your current friendship. It sounds like he wants a fiends with benefits relationship with you while both of you are involved with other people.
> 
> He keeps trying in hopes that he propositions you at a moment when you are weak.
> 
> ...


Thanks. 

You make a good point. I hadn't thought about the whole "spending time" thing as being anything significant. A best female friend of mine (besties since Jr High) and I used to spend this much time and more with each other when we both lived in the same city. I guess I may be naive, but I never saw it as more than similar to that. Do you think a guy would do this for years and years if all he wanted was to get in a girls pants? I mean, that is a long time without getting any favors. He was not in a relationship since I've known him until his recent relationship this past year.

No, I have not told my BF yet.


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## megamuppet (Feb 13, 2017)

Oh dear. He loves you. He wants you but you are both tied to other people. If you were single you would be together. I suspect you probably feel the same but are avoiding it because you dont want to hurt the person you are with. I know this because your post is my life 4 years ago. We met up in the end and had an open and brutally honest conversation. I was in a dead relationship and was saving to move out anyway and he had split up with his girlfriend but she was still living with him because she couldnt afford to leave. Our feelings gave us the push to leave the relationships we were in. It was hard because even if we were not happy, we didn't want to hurt other people unecessarily (sorry can't spell). We both went home and announced we were leaving. Which we did. That was 4 years ago. We have been married for 18 months. Never been happier. If you really want your current relationship to work you HAVE to cut this other man off. Its not fair to any of you otherwise. Your current relationship wont stand a chance with this hanging over you. Good Luck x

Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk


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## dreamland1010 (Mar 13, 2017)

badsanta said:


> If you are open to being more than just friends, than six years is a very long time for that not to happen!
> 
> Have both of you been in relationships/dating other people the whole time? Is one of the two of you married?


I have been in a LTR the entire time I've known him. The whole time I've known him, he dated rarely and was not in a actual relationship until this past year-ish.


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## Trying2getitRIGHT (Mar 7, 2017)

I know from experience, snyone who whill cheat WITH you will cheat ON you. RUN. Spend your energy Watering your own relationship, not jumping into a new one. It will be a curse. Sorry to be a downer.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> If you two are so compatible, why don't you end our relationships with others and just the two of you be together?


If they are both compatible and both open to being more than friends, but there has been NO sex for six years... I can only imagine what the LTR or marriage would be like!

If a man wants to be with a woman, as they say, "ALL is fair in love and war!" It would have happened by now if he really wanted her. Otherwise they seem to just be keeping each other on the back burner so to speak as a backup plan or something.


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## dreamland1010 (Mar 13, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> So you basically told him to keep trying.
> 
> If you two are so compatible, why don't you end our relationships with others and just the two of you be together?


I see that by me saying that I could have led him on. I did say that very recently, so I had not been dangling that out there for years. Still, I should not have said that to him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You need to stop seeing each other. You are both in other relationships.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

dreamland1010 said:


> I see that by me saying that I could have led him on. I did say that very recently, so I had not been dangling that out there for years. Still, I should not have said that to him.


This guy wants to be with you, or at least get into your pants. No man sticks around like this in the friend-zone without that being his end goal.

You are worried about hurting him? He's not worried about hurting you and your relationship with your boyfriend. Each time he has pulled this kiss thing, he would have gladly had sex with you just for entertainment. He said that he wants a friends with benefits situation with you. That's all he's offering you. Why would you be so concerned about the feelings of a man who offers this?


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

It sounds like he wants to have sex with you while keeping his own romantic relationship (and yours?) intact. Friends with benefits. This is not fair to either of your romantic partners. If you are truly interested in him, please end the relationship with your current partner. Honestly, I don't see a lot of benefit to being a FWB unless you are both between relationships and agree to take care of each other's needs without getting too emotionally enmeshed or serious with each other. His attitude says that you are good enough for sex, but not good enough for the long haul. I think he's a bit of a jerk. And frankly, if you are willing to do that to your partner, that makes you a bit of a jerk as well.

As an aside, if both of you are open with your current partners and everybody is completely kosher about you and friend getting it on- then, that's a different story. Just as long as all parties are in the know and in agreement.


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## dreamland1010 (Mar 13, 2017)

badsanta said:


> If they are both compatible and both open to being more than friends, but there has been NO sex for six years... I can only imagine what the LTR or marriage would be like!
> 
> If a man wants to be with a woman, as they say, "ALL is fair in love and war!" It would have happened by now if he really wanted her. Otherwise they seem to just be keeping each other on the back burner so to speak as a backup plan or something.


To clear one thing up, my LTR is basically a marriage without the ring. If that helps any. So, that's why nothing has happened. He has been extremely respectful to me and my relationship until recently...aside from the ONE time he told me he didn't think my significant other treated me right; and I respect the fact that he is in a relationship.


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## dreamland1010 (Mar 13, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> This guy wants to be with you, or at least get into your pants. No man sticks around like this in the friend-zone without that being his end goal.
> 
> You are worried about hurting him? He's not worried about hurting you and your relationship with your boyfriend. Each time he has pulled this kiss thing, he would have gladly had sex with you just for entertainment. He said that he wants a friends with benefits situation with you. That's all he's offering you. Why would you be so concerned about the feelings of a man who offers this?


But for 6 years? Wouldn't a guy give up after a while? Seriously, I would think they'd get tired of not getting any action.

He threw it out there and he apologized. I wish I could replay our entire conversation for you. I care because if you knew our friendship you would know that he is the kind of person who will check on me if he knows I'm sick or going through tough times. This is not someone who does not care about my feelings, so that's why I care about his. If he even thinks he's said something to me that could have been hurtful he will ask me directly to make sure that never happens. Sorry, I just don't want you all to think he's a bad person.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

dreamland1010 said:


> But for 6 years? Wouldn't a guy give up after a while? Seriously, I would think they'd get tired of not getting any action.


Yea, 6 years. He's waited 6 years for your relationship to end or for you to have an affair with him. Neither happened so now he's pushing a bit harder for what he wants.

He does not sound like a very aggressive type of man. A more aggressive man would have left a long time ago to see if you would do something with him.



dreamland1010 said:


> He threw it out there and he apologized. I wish I could replay our entire conversation for you. I care because if you knew our friendship you would know that he is the kind of person who will check on me if he knows I'm sick or going through tough times. This is not someone who does not care about my feelings, so that's why I care about his. If he even thinks he's said something to me that could have been hurtful he will ask me directly to make sure that never happens. Sorry, I just don't want you all to think he's a bad person.


Yea, one some level this is an emotional affair. I am sure that you will deny this, but it is what you describe. Here is a book that might help you understand what's going on.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

I'm sorry but this guy is not your "friend" in that by kissing, and suggesting a "friends with benefits" relationship with you, he is putting you in the position of cheating on your current LTR. WTH?

Something just does not seem right. It would be one thing if he said "I want to be with you, I'd break off my current relationship if you break off yours so we can see if this works?" But instead he suggests friend's with benefits? He doesn't even sound jealous of your LTR and doesn't seem worried about you cheating and compromising your values. So, no, that does not sound like love to me, not even like the kind of friendship where someone cares about your best interests over their own sex drive.

Is your reason for not being with him ONLY because you are both in LTRs? Or do you love your BF?

If you love your current guy, stop dating your friend! If you are not serious, well, that's the difference between a LTR and a marriage. You have no obligation to stay in a LTR.

But you are playing a vary dangerous game spending time alone with this "friend" when you're in other relationships. One of the things that makes people fall in love is being together while doing things they enjoy. You're spending time alone with a red blooded man doing fun things. I'm surprised it's taken him 6 years to cross the line. I'm also surprised both your significant other's aren't concerned about your friendship.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

So much concern about his true feelings. You know what they are, why are you still fishing...?

What about your "LTR that is basically a marriage"? What about the fact that you're basically having an emotional affair (please spare us and don't deny it)? 

Why isn't the concern, how you're going to break this to your partner? Why isn't the concern, how to adjust this "friendship" so that the two of you don't disrespect your partner by 'kissing accidentally' again in the future?

OP, it is clear you value this man and his feelings more than your current partner. Don't lie to yourself. Why bother? You're young, you're not married. Break it off now (before you do some worse ish and seriously hurt your partner) and just see if it works with your friend.


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## dreamland1010 (Mar 13, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Yea, 6 years. He's waited 6 years for your relationship to end or for you to have an affair with him. Neither happened so now he's pushing a bit harder for what he wants.
> 
> He does not sound like a very aggressive type of man. A more aggressive man would have left a long time ago to see if you would do something with him.
> 
> ...


He is on the shy side. He knew who I was before I ever met him and he did tell me that he thought about asking me out then (that was almost 10 years ago) but didn't because he was too much of a chicken. 

And, yes I do believe you are correct that on some level this is an emotional affair. I won't deny that. I think he leaned on me a lot while he was single because he didn't someone special in his life to care about him. And I know it's wrong.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

dreamland1010 said:


> But for 6 years? Wouldn't a guy give up after a while? Seriously, I would think they'd get tired of not getting any action.
> 
> He threw it out there and he apologized. I wish I could replay our entire conversation for you. I care because if you knew our friendship you would know that he is the kind of person who will check on me if he knows I'm sick or going through tough times. This is not someone who does not care about my feelings, so that's why I care about his. If he even thinks he's said something to me that could have been hurtful he will ask me directly to make sure that never happens. Sorry, I just don't want you all to think he's a bad person.


I don't think he's necessarily a bad person, I just think you are both playing with fire spending time alone together. And the fact that he's hit on you when your both in other relationships is definitely not one of his finer moments.

BTW, Do you complain about your significant other's to each other? Do you turn to each other for friendship/comfort before you turn to your SOs? If so, I believe that is an emotion affair and it's unfair to your partners.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> This guy wants to be with you, or at least get into your pants. No man sticks around like this in the friend-zone without that being his end goal.
> 
> You are worried about hurting him? He's not worried about hurting you and your relationship with your boyfriend. Each time he has pulled this kiss thing, he would have gladly had sex with you just for entertainment. He said that he wants a friends with benefits situation with you. That's all he's offering you. Why would you be so concerned about the feelings of a man who offers this?


Exactly. And I'd also question why you need this friend who's flattering you while you're in a LTR- could be that your LTR is not right for you? If you were married, you'd be engaging in an EA.

*I think if you're not married, you're able to date whomever you want, including more than one person, as long as you're honest about it.


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## dreamland1010 (Mar 13, 2017)

introvert said:


> It sounds like he wants to have sex with you while keeping his own romantic relationship (and yours?) intact. Friends with benefits. This is not fair to either of your romantic partners. If you are truly interested in him, please end the relationship with your current partner. Honestly, I don't see a lot of benefit to being a FWB unless you are both between relationships and agree to take care of each other's needs without getting too emotionally enmeshed or serious with each other. His attitude says that you are good enough for sex, but not good enough for the long haul. I think he's a bit of a jerk. And frankly, if you are willing to do that to your partner, that makes you a bit of a jerk as well.
> 
> As an aside, if both of you are open with your current partners and everybody is completely kosher about you and friend getting it on- then, that's a different story. Just as long as all parties are in the know and in agreement.


We will not be getting into a FWB thing if either of us is in a relationship. I will not do that.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

Jessica38 said:


> Exactly. And I'd also question why you need this friend who's flattering you while you're in a LTR- could be that your LTR is not right for you? If you were married, you'd be engaging in an EA.
> 
> *I think if you're not married, you're able to date whomever you want, including more than one person, as long as you're honest about it.


Except that the OP has stated that she is essentially in a marriage, without a ring. I do think that she needs to be honest with her partner, but I sincerely doubt that he'd be okay with the whole thing.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

dreamland1010 said:


> We will not be getting into a FWB thing if either of us is in a relationship. I will not do that.


Duly noted.


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## dreamland1010 (Mar 13, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> So much concern about his true feelings. You know what they are, why are you still fishing...?
> 
> What about your "LTR that is basically a marriage"? What about the fact that you're basically having an emotional affair (please spare us and don't deny it)?
> 
> ...


Not fishing. I had genuine questions. Wanting to know what my friend is thinking is a legitimate question. And I can ask for additional adviceafter. That is the point of a message board, correct?
I agree, this is an emotional affair in some respects. Never said it wasn't.
I do not plan to tell my SO and do plan to make adjustmentss to the friendship.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

introvert said:


> Except that the OP has stated that she is essentially in a marriage, without a ring. I do think that she needs to be honest with her partner, but I sincerely doubt that he'd be okay with the whole thing.


Probably not, but that's what dating is about, even long-term. The right thing to do is to let the BF know this is going on so he can decide if he wants to date others too.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

dreamland1010 said:


> To clear one thing up, my LTR is basically a marriage without the ring. If that helps any. So, that's why nothing has happened. He has been extremely respectful to me and my relationship until recently...aside from the ONE time he told me he didn't think my significant other treated me right; and I respect the fact that he is in a relationship.


*Several months ago he kissed me.*

*However a few weeks ago he did it again and he also blurted out something about friends with benefits
*
*I told him that I care about him too, probably more than a friend should and that I get the impression that he also cares about me more than a friend should.*

Something has already happened. This is dating.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

dreamland1010 said:


> Not fishing. I had genuine questions. Wanting to know what my friend is thinking is a legitimate question. And I can ask for additional adviceafter. That is the point of a message board, correct?
> 
> No doubt
> 
> ...


What a great way to treat one's partner.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

dreamland1010 said:


> But for 6 years? Wouldn't a guy give up after a while? Seriously, I would think they'd get tired of not getting any action.


He DID get tired of not getting any action with you. He got a girlfriend. This poor woman is his plan B, his stop-gap measure until you are available, or he can convince you to cheat with him. It's a cruel thing for him to do to her. And to you.



dreamland1010 said:


> He threw it out there and he apologized. I wish I could replay our entire conversation for you. I care because if you knew our friendship you would know that he is the kind of person who will check on me if he knows I'm sick or going through tough times. This is not someone who does not care about my feelings, so that's why I care about his. If he even thinks he's said something to me that could have been hurtful he will ask me directly to make sure that never happens. Sorry, I just don't want you all to think he's a bad person.


Uh yeah, he's a bad person. He's willing to cheat on his girlfriend, and is actively trying to convince you to cheat on your spouse.

He's terrible relationship material, and a poor excuse for a friend. This guy is actively trying to ruin your own relationship and turn you into a cheater.



dreamland1010 said:


> Not fishing. I had genuine questions. Wanting to know what my friend is thinking is a legitimate question. And I can ask for additional adviceafter. That is the point of a message board, correct?
> I agree, this is an emotional affair in some respects. Never said it wasn't.
> I do not plan to tell my SO and do plan to make adjustmentss to the friendship.


You're pretty poor relationship material there yourself, too, if you aren't willing to drop this false cheater friend out of your life and tell your spouse what's been going on because you feel awful about cheating on him emotionally and nearly physically.

If you can't be honest with your spouse, then dump him and go be with your friend. I'm sure he'd instantly dump his own girlfriend (or just cheat on her in case you change your mind) to be with you, and then you'd always be wondering who else he might have an eye for out there...


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'd end the friendship. Why would you want to stay friends with a guy who would cheat on his gf? Therein lies your answer. 

When people show you who they are, always believe them ...the first time.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It's people like him that give us (people who can get into and keep decades long friendships with the opposite gender) a bad rep...


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

You have kissed him twice and you are emotionally involved with him. The reality is that you have already cheated. If you continue to be friends with him then you are only adding fuel to the fire. 

Your best option at this point is to let your BF go and date the friend. You are not going to tell your BF of your relationship with this guy. As such, you are also lying to him. You are following the cheater's handbook word for word. 

How would you feel if your BF was friends with a woman that had kissed him twice, expressed an interest in cheating with him, and still wants to be friends? 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Are you attracted to him? 

If your not attracted to him and hes just a friend then put him in his place by telling him that if it ruins your friendship then you guys were never really friends.

if your very attracted to him then its decisions time......either stick with your long term boyfriend (even thought he doesn't seem to be interested in marring you) or get out of that relationship and start dating. But until you end your currant relationship stay faithful. Or you compromising your morels and ethics.

sounds like hes a dud! too wimpy to go after what he wants and beating around the bush(pun intended) hoping to get some action.

yuck......most women would not be happy with a man like that long term.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

dreamland1010 said:


> I have a male friend who I used to work with and have been friends with for almost 6 years (I'm late 30s,in a relationship; and he's mid 40s,in a relationship for the past year-ish). He and I became friends because we share the same sense of humor and enjoy some of the same types of things like music and movies. We occasionally meet up for lunch and every week or two usually hang out for a bit or catch a movie together; occasionally our significant others are there too like for a concert or other activity. I have been careful not to be touchy or flirty with him as that would be inappropriate. He has said things to me like “… I consider you one of my closest friends. I have always felt comfortable and unguarded around you. I can count on one hand the people in my life I have felt that way about. I care for you very deeply and would do anything for you. If you ever need anything even if it is just someone to talk to don’t hesitate to call me day or night…”
> 
> Several months ago he kissed me. I can’t say I didn’t ever think that could happen, but it did catch me off guard. I did make him stop and he later called me worried that he may have messed up our friendship. He apologized for doing that. I assured him that I wasn’t about to let that mess up our friendship. After that, things went back to normal. However a few weeks ago he did it again and he also blurted out something about friends with benefits. I called him later to ask him if he was serious about that. I didn’t think it was a good idea to just ignore the fact that he said that. He told me he had been thinking about that after he said it and that he didn’t think it would be good idea “at least not right now”. He told me that he cares about me a lot and that he worried it would change things between us. I told him that I care about him too, probably more than a friend should and that I get the impression that he also cares about me more than a friend should. I told him that if I could I would be open to being more than friends, but that neither of us is in a position for that to happen. He said that doesn’t want to lose our friendship that’s why he thinks “for now we should stay just friends.”
> 
> ...


Put it like this, if he was really really into you as relationship material, he would not consider you as a potential FWBs. He is wanting to have the friendship and his cake also. Please lay down the boundaries clearly, tell him you expect to be treated with respect.

Perhaps the question you should be asking is, do you see him as more than a friend or as a potential partner, that is the real question.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He values your friendship.

But he is a man, you are an attractive woman so he wants you sexually, too.

It's what men do. And women, too.

He has already overstepped the boundaries a couple of times, so be wary of him.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

You need to cut this "friend" loose and be honest with your "SO." You've been comfortable too long with this and he's provided an ultimatum in the form of an indecent proposal. I only hope that your "SO" is compassionate about you having an emotional affair with this person for 6 years.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You cannot continue a friendship with this man, not if you are going to continue in any other exclusive relationship. If you have feelings for each other, then end your relationships and give things a chance between you. To do otherwise is infidelity.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

dreamland1010 said:


> He has said things to me like “… I consider you one of my closest friends. I have always felt comfortable and unguarded around you. I can count on one hand the people in my life I have felt that way about. I care for you very deeply and would do anything for you. If you ever need anything even if it is just someone to talk to don’t hesitate to call me day or night…”


Isn't that what your boyfriend is for? You don't say stuff like this to "just friends".

If a friend at work has to go away for a long business trip I let him know that if his wife, or SO, needs anything while he's away they should feel free to call me and I'll be happy to help. However I don't go out on a cozy 1-on-1 date with her and tell her that to her face that would be completely different. 



dreamland1010 said:


> However a few weeks ago he did it again and he also blurted out something about friends with benefits. I called him later to ask him if he was serious about that. I didn’t think it was a good idea to just ignore the fact that he said that. He told me he had been thinking about that after he said it and that he didn’t think it would be good idea “at least not right now”. He told me that he cares about me a lot and that he worried it would change things between us. *I told him that I care about him too, probably more than a friend should* and that I get the impression that he also cares about me more than a friend should. *I told him that if I could I would be open to being more than friends*, but that neither of us is in a position for that to happen. He said that doesn’t want to lose our friendship that’s why he thinks “for now we should stay just friends.”


Do you seriously wonder how he's getting mixed messages from you?



dreamland1010 said:


> And now for my actual questions…
> 
> Does he have deeper feelings for me than friendship or am I completely misinterpreting him? What does “at least not right now” and “for now we should stay just friends” mean? It’s like he’s saying he wants something more at some later date. Does he think something’s going to happen with us later? I’m so confused. But mostly, I’m worried about his feelings because if he thinks somethings going to happen with us at a later date and it doesn’t (because *it can’t since we're in relationships*) I don’t want him to get hurt.


It shouldn't be the fact that you are in a relationship that prevents anything from happening between you, it should be the fact that the person you are in the relationship with is the only one you are intimately interested in. You told him quite clearly that the only reason there is nothing happening between you is because of your current relationship, in the absence of that there would be.

This thread sounds like you are in the wrong LTR.



dreamland1010 said:


> I see that by me saying that I could have led him on. I did say that very recently, so I had not been dangling that out there for years. Still, I should not have said that to him.


I agree with you there, however whether you said it or not you still thought it.



dreamland1010 said:


> But for 6 years? Wouldn't a guy give up after a while? Seriously, I would think they'd get tired of not getting any action.
> 
> He threw it out there and he apologized. I wish I could replay our entire conversation for you. I care because if you knew our friendship you would know that he is the kind of person who will check on me if he knows I'm sick or going through tough times. This is not someone who does not care about my feelings, so that's why I care about his. If he even thinks he's said something to me that could have been hurtful he will ask me directly to make sure that never happens. Sorry, I just don't want you all to think he's a bad person.


This again sounds as though you are getting the nurturing from this relationship that you should be doing from your LTR.



dreamland1010 said:


> Not fishing. I had genuine questions. Wanting to know what my friend is thinking is a legitimate question. And I can ask for additional adviceafter. That is the point of a message board, correct?
> I agree, this is an emotional affair in some respects. Never said it wasn't.
> I do not plan to tell my SO and do plan to make adjustmentss to the friendship.


If you are keeping this from your SO then you know that it's wrong. 

I think you need to spend a little less time thinking about what he wants out of this and a bit more on what you want. Almost everything you've given here is the sort of thing that you should be getting from your SO. 

I'm not against opposite sex friends, it really shouldn't be an issue, but there is nothing I would ever say to an OSF that I wouldn't say of my W and/or their SO were stood there with us. When you are hiding something from your SO there is a reason for it.


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## dreamland1010 (Mar 13, 2017)

Thanks everyone for all of your responses. I have read them all even if I have not responded to them all.

Where I thought he was just being a good friend, I realize from many of your responses that he has probably always liked me more than a friend and has probably always been attracted to me to some extent. I think our friendship has been genuine, but I missed a lot of signs from him over the years because I did not see him as more than any other of my good friends. The deeper emotional aspect of our relationship is new and immediately preceeded his initial attempt at anything physical. I know it does not matter if it has gone on for a day or for years, getting emotionally close to him was wrong. I should have stopped that as soon as it started.

At this time, I do not plan to tell my SO what has happened (the emotional affair and physical affection my friend has attempted)... I have hurt him enough without him knowing. However, the emotional affair and physical affection is NOT something I will let continue. I will in no uncertain terms tell my friend that it absolutely cannot happen again, and that while I'm here for him as a friend he cannot confide in me and I cannot confide in him in anything on a deep emotional level... especially relating to our relationships with our SO's. He and I both need to recognize that this is inappropriate when both of us are / either of us is in committed relationships. If he can respect that then I'll know he's a friend; if he can't then I will have to cut him out of my life.

This may not satisfy many of you, but if any of you have constructive criticism on what I've said above I would like to hear it.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> He values your friendship.
> 
> But he is a man, you are an attractive woman so he wants you sexually, too.
> 
> ...


Exactly.

And that is why it is naive to think you can nurture an opposite sex friendship where you spend quality time alone together when you're in a LTR with someone else - and not have this happen.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

@dreamland1010, I have a slightly different question for you. What is the deal with your LTR? Why are you together so long but not married? Is that him or you? What do you want your life to look like 6 years from now? 

I don't recall, but assume you live together if your LTR is like a marriage. Are you really meant for each other? I just wonder if one reason you've put so much time into this "friendship" is because your LTR guy doesn't meet some of your needs (companionship, conversation, admiration?) but you don't want to "cheat."

I lived with my H for years before we finally married and in hindsight it was a huge mistake, because when you live with someone you can't date different people to find the "right" person, but the years are ticking away with no real commitment toward building a life together. It's like you are a couple, you get along fine, but if you're not quite right for each other, you have no opportunity to explore that.

It seems like if FWB was really the guy for you, you would have figured that out a long time ago when he was single and gotten out of your current LTR. Now so much time has gone by, you've bonded with him and maybe a small part of you finds him exciting compared to your LTR, but neither of these two guys ever swept you off your feet.

Just food for thought.


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## dreamland1010 (Mar 13, 2017)

WorkingWife said:


> @dreamland1010, I have a slightly different question for you. What is the deal with your LTR? Why are you together so long but not married? Is that him or you? What do you want your life to look like 6 years from now?
> 
> I don't recall, but assume you live together if your LTR is like a marriage. Are you really meant for each other? I just wonder if one reason you've put so much time into this "friendship" is because your LTR guy doesn't meet some of your needs (companionship, conversation, admiration?) but you don't want to "cheat."
> 
> ...


I'm actually married (all other facts are true as presented) and yes we live together. I'm very sorry, I said I was only LTR... I have not felt "married" for years thus "LTR" felt truer. His mom has been a 3rd person in our marriage since day one. We did not live together before getting married. I think we are no longer right for each other.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

dreamland1010 said:


> I'm actually married (all other facts are true as presented) and yes we live together. I'm very sorry, I said I was only LTR... I have not felt "married" for years thus "LTR" felt truer. His mom has been a 3rd person in our marriage since day one. We did not live together before getting married. I think we are no longer right for each other.


ahh now this all makes sense


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

dreamland1010 said:


> I'm actually married (all other facts are true as presented) and yes we live together. I'm very sorry, I said I was only LTR... I have not felt "married" for years thus "LTR" felt truer. His mom has been a 3rd person in our marriage since day one. We did not live together before getting married. I think we are no longer right for each other.


Oh, I'm really sorry.

If you have felt this way for a long time, especially if you've tried to work on it with your H with no luck, divorce might be the right move. But be very careful, make sure you want to divorce regardless of your friend. You don't want to divorce because you've fallen in love with your friend with the hope/assumption that the two of you will become a solid couple. You are basically in an emotional affair with your friend, and that will really skew your perception of your marriage, and reality in general. The grass always looks greener... I've read many times that relationships that come out of situations like your current one have an extremely high failure rate. 

I hope things work out for you. I would not want a MIL in the middle of my marriage. (I am blessed in that my MIL is very low maintenance and non-meddling. She's the least of my marital problems.)


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