# So depressed, can't move on:(



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Hi, it has been almost 3 months since my husband left me with a 22 month old and a 4 week old. He left because he said he was unhappy, however I later found out he has been cheating on me. He still denies it, but internet research proves otherwise. The worst part is that it was his guitar student... a 17 year old student. No, I can't do anything about it legally, I already looked into it. Now, I am left with so much pain. Last week he came over and when I went to see if he got car seats for the kids yet, there weren't any, but I did see an L (for Learner Driver here in Australia). He's teaching her how to drive! 
We went to his place yesterday so I could see where he lives and where he takes my babies when they are with him and there it was... a cat. He hates cats. He told me she (who he claims is his friend) is in England last week. This week I see a cat and I know she has one. He tried to lie that it was a favor for somebody else, but I know better. You don't cat sit for somebody who goes away for two months, 3 months after leaving your wife. He cheated, is completely in love with her, and still lies! His whole family is now friends with her on Facebook, which blows my mind. They are ok with this sick s hit! I'm so depressed. I keep trying to get myself together, but I am living a nightmare. I'm 32 and this is so humiliating. I can't get my head around this. I feel like my life is a joke and I'm just a piece of cRap to be discarded after 8 years. I moved across the world for him! I have nobody here except for my friends. I'm seeing a shrink and she's great, but this new depression scares me. I can't sleep, eat, or be out in public. I just want to cry. It's not that it ended, it's how it ended I can't get over. I invested everything into my marriage and now he, OW and his family are all happy for his new found freedom. He cheated on my when I was pregnant! How do I move on? Please help. This new 'love' of his is killing me.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I'm so sorry for you honey. You must be in so much pain right now.
Do you have anyone who can help you through this?
Is your H taking his share of Childcare?
Please look after yourself and your little ones and know that you are not alone.
Will check in on you later.
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Btw, I have never been depressed in my whole life. Now I just feel like a crushed bug. It's a horrible sensation.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

You need to tell her parents if you can. I'm sure they wouldn't want her messing with a man nearly twice her age who left his pregnant wife to be with her.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Yeah, that's the sick part... I think they know. His family does. Makes my head spin


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

They are all friends with him on FB


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Then you need to expose it, to whomever, most importantly her family.

Regarding moving on, Honeystly, be glad this man is out of your life sooner than later. He's an absolute scumbag to drag a woman half way around the world, get her pregnant, leave her and his babies to start a relationship with a 17 year old girl. She will never be with him, soon as her parents get a whiff of what's going on, be sure he'll be well away from her. 

He's not in love with her because people like him don't know what love is. Affair relationships have only a 3% success rate and he seems to be fulfilling that statistic. If he leaves you at the most vulnerable period of your life for petty reasons then rest assured you could never depend on a man like this. He's not fit to be around your children to be honest.

Live for your kids now, some people are just broken.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Honeystly, I know you have other threads but I may have missed something. Have you been to the dr. for antidepressants? You have two tiny kids that need you and without any of your other problems that is a major energy drain and source of stress all by itself. Are you able to get enough sleep? Are you eating properly?

My kids are only 20 mos. apart and I would often have friends say, oh I know how it is, my kids are 24 mos. apart. I would stare at them silently and think, oh no you don't know. For every month under 24 mos. that your kids are closer in age, it is incrementally harder. You can never leave the two kids alone together and they are too young to ever be left apart from you except maybe the baby in a crib. So I tell the moms whose kids are 18 mos or 16 mos apart, **I** don't know what you're going through either--you have it that much harder. So I'm giving you a HUG from the other side of the world.

Do you have babysitters, are you able to get a little alone time each day? I am concerned that you are relying on him for child care. He is an irresponsible TWIT who is probably not the best person right now to take care of such small kids. They aren't able to communicate so you have no idea what he does, like plunk them in front of a tv or lock them in a room.

The reason I would find alternate child care ASAP is I worry that this is keeping you tied to him at a time when you need to distance yourself to rest and heal. I KNOW the desperation I had for just a few minutes to myself (and my husband was NOT having an affair at the time) so I'm not trying to beat you up--just work hard so that you don't need him in any way at all.

His family supporting him in this is nothing short of EVIL. I could never allow such people to spend time with my children, their value system is so messed up as to be irretrievable. I can only assume they have always had it in for your relationship, and that is where this twisted behavior comes from? You need to stop looking at facebook and torturing yourself with their lowlife behavior, they are scum and not worth an ounce of your attention.

Somewhere, somehow, you need some strong good people in YOUR corner. If they do not exist where you live now, you need to find a way to get to those people. Or maybe they can come to you and live for a bit. Find someone who knows you well and loves you who can brainstorm a way to get you the support you need. 

Sorry to ask Complexity's question again, but do you know her family? are they all supportive of this too?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

btw - one thing that depression causes is that you stop believing tomorrow will be better than today was. But it's not true. Take a look at your day today, and do one thing tomorrow better. Doesn't have to be big, just better.

For instance if you didn't get outside today because you were too busy with the kids, then make a plan to get outside for 20 min tomorrow and enjoy the sunshine. Block the time and make it work. Little things really help, even more than big giant gestures.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Honeystly, I know you have other threads but I may have missed something. Have you been to the dr. for antidepressants? You have two tiny kids that need you and without any of your other problems that is a major energy drain and source of stress all by itself. Are you able to get enough sleep? Are you eating properly?
> 
> My kids are only 20 mos. apart and I would often have friends say, oh I know how it is, my kids are 24 mos. apart. I would stare at them silently and think, oh no you don't know. For every month under 24 mos. that your kids are closer in age, it is incrementally harder. You can never leave the two kids alone together and they are too young to ever be left apart from you except maybe the baby in a crib. So I tell the moms whose kids are 18 mos or 16 mos apart, **I** don't know what you're going through either--you have it that much harder. So I'm giving you a HUG from the other side of the world.
> 
> ...


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Oh, you are correct... the family always had it in for me. We came from different backgrounds. I worked full time and supported my husband who worked part time. They just blow inheritance money as they come from a wealthy background. I was never good enough. This young thing is English like they are, and no threat to them. And yes they are kind of evil, but I let them walk all over me because I loved my husband..... that was stupid of me.
You are also absolutely correct about the desperation for five minutes alone. My ex comes to take care of the kids one day a week, as it is his day. I'd rather have him here where I can keep an eye as I still breastfeed so I have to be home every 2 hours. I think that's why I feel depressed. I try to make time for myself in the evenings, but by the time I clean up and actually fall asleep it's like 1AM. I do eat, because I need to for breastfeeding, but it's tasteless... if you know what I mean. I am going back to work in 2 weeks and hope this will be my place of sanity. I don't want to take antidepressants as I want to be trully present for my kids.... I don't know, I just want to feel the love I do now. It pains me that he has tainted the most wonderful time of my life... their babyhood. And yes, I will try to add one extra thing a day, that's a fantastic goal behavioral psychology speaking. Thank you everybody for advice, you have no idea how much it means to me to hear something kind.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If you aren't already doing it, seek counseling with a professional with experience in helping victims of infidelity and depression. As much as this forum is great for emotional support, it cannot take the place of a therapist.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Your story feels very similar to mine. I so completely understand how you feel. I've been around people w/ depression and anxiety but never experienced it myself. Well, not until she left w/ the OM. Now I understand what people experience and have no idea how they make it through having depression on an ongoing basis.

I would second the idea of using meds as a bandaid. I know you say you don't want to take them but I did not go w/ full fledged anti depressents (long term stuff) but got some that take the anxiety down when you have it. This will not hinder your ability with your kids.

I'm not far out, 3 months, but I can promise you that although you have really bad days, those will be less and less. You will discover that you are incredible with your children btw. Doing it alone is so much harder but you will do it and should step back and take note of how great you do. 

Counseling is helpful for sure but don't expect it to change everything. If you have a friend, a really close one, lean on them. My best friend is probably the reason I didn't drive my car off a cliff at the beginning. This forum too, you'll see so quickly how many are going through the same thing and the one's that have made it through will show you that this is not permanent.

Since there is no way for us to surround each other in these times, this forum will teach you so much. I completely understand how you feel and alot of others do too. What you feel is all anyone could expect you to feel. The details of his exit, although disgusting, are just a different version. 

You are a great person. You didn't ruin your family. You are a good mother and, most important, you will be happy again. If I could say another thing, it is to start thinking about protecting yourself. I didn't do this and have suffered too much as a result.

I hope you come across Notlikeyou on here. Here is an expcerpt from something he said to me on one of my threads
( http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/43362-she-came-back-well-sort.html )

"YOU can hold your head high when this is over. It may sound trite, but you're going to emerge from this with your dignity completely intact. Your wife will bear the burden of her mistakes for the rest of her life.

But its not about her any more.

The important people here are you, and your children. Be the best man you can be, for yourself and for them (and for your friends). Do that, and everything else will sort itself out."


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Ok, I realize on the surface this is a dumb question but in this type of situation can't honeystly move back to where she will have more support and family? If she moved there to be with him does she have to remain there? Again, I have no experience to draw upon here.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Ok, I realize on the surface this is a dumb question but in this type of situation can't honeystly move back to where she will have more support and family? If she moved there to be with him does she have to remain there? Again, I have no experience to draw upon here.


That, AND, I hope she can answer Complexity's and my question: what does she know about the OW's family? Are they in England? Can they be located and informed?

Have they also friended him on facebook? It's not clear. If they are not in the same town but have friended him on facebook...well, maybe they don't know the full story. I can understand one set of parents (the WS's) being evil, but two unrelated families happily ripping apart this marriage? I still would bet some $$ that her family doesn't know and would be utterly appalled.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

To answer Beowulf first, the situation with moving back is complicated. Because I would move literally across the world, my ex can say that this will impact his relationship with children. He would also have to sign their passports, which won't happen as long as my father in law is alive....
What I know about the OW family is that they know my ex as OW's guitar tutor, and they like him. They would always buy him presents, especially when our son was born, and even invited him to play at her 16th b-day party (how ****ing pathetic) two years ago. She also has an older sister and the parents paid for her 'secret' music lessons even after she graduated (I knew nothing of it). They also let my ex take on his mini-tour as an opening act, so my guess is they know what is up. As far as I gather he goes to her house on regular basis, judging by the red dirt on his car (she lives in the country). The whole family is on vacation in England right now, as that is where they are from originally, as is my ex. 
I spoke to my shrink about this whole thing and she told me to let go of telling her family. She explained that the broad is almost 18 and that her family most likely has a clue. Even if they didn't, she insisted I cannot control my ex. I have no right to.... he's gone. As much as it hurts I know it's true. I just want this romance to bloom and DIE as soon as it can. It's been going on for about a year now, the obsession for maybe two... I think he's out of his mind. She is so vicious about me, her twitter and fb updates when I checked them a month ago were so ridiculous. She lives, breathes my ex. This is so upsetting for me, that their relationship is more important than our babies and the pain.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

From what you described it does sound like her family knows as well--surely when he was a tutor they knew he was married with a young child and another on the way?

The point of telling her family would not be to try to coerce her, but rather on the theory that the last person I would want as a boyfriend (let alone son-in-law) for my 18 year old would be a 30-something man with tiny children and a WIFE. Blech. Someone who was able to callously hurt so many people at once wouldn't even be welcome in my home for a glass of water, let alone **** my daughter. So, theoretically, the parents would be furious and put pressure on her to give him up--they can't make her do anything, but they can express extreme disapproval and cut her off financially, refuse to see her and take her on trips to England, etc., as long as she was in this relationship.

It just seems more likely that he's lied about his family status to them (i.e., he has none) or that he's lied about you in some way (i.e., you want out of the marriage or don't love him) because I have a hard time believing they could accept him otherwise.

If they are all as horrible as you say, best to get far far away from the lot of them, some how, some way. Do you have family where you came from? Are you ashamed to contact them and let them know your situation?


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

iheartlife,
I actually tried to tell the family once. sent her mom a fb message. heard nothing back. I do think they they probably know parts of it, with me being the villan... as you do. I won't try anymore as I am in a pretty c rappy situation: I want to buy my stbx out of the house, and so if I don't 'behave' I might not be able to. He has me right where he wants me. What blows my mind is that he has completely devastated me, yet turned around so I'm the one to blame?! 
As far as shame goes I am most certainly ashamed... I mean, this is ridiculous and I am an adult essentially being overthrown by a 17 year old! I used to have a very healthy self esteem, but now I just feel like poo. My family knows. They already came to help, but couldn't stay long as they only get 2 weeks off a year. I want to stay in Australia as I truly love it here. I just want to move on while he's still with her, since she seems here to stay for a while, and I don't know how! It's salt in the wound every time I see him, which is currently twice a week. He comes to the house since the babies are so small, and I go out. It kills me though everytime I see him, as I still love him in a way and he definitely did not become any less attractive physically, even though he repulses me mentally.... How do I get over this?


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