# New member



## chuki (Nov 24, 2009)

I'm hoping this forum can help me. I have been married for a month and a half now and I feel that my marraige is sinking. My wife is very demanding and I don't know how to handle it. She can be very difficult. She keeps blaming me as the problem. I don't even know where to start. Going to a marriage counselor costs money and we can't afford it right now. She can be verbally abusive and I know all I need to tell her is to stop, but it's not so easy. I guess I just don't want to get into a fight.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Welcome. Hopefully you'll find a little more support once people get back from dealing with their holiday weekends.

I would just say that the first YEAR of marriage is very different, no matter how well you thought you knew the person.

If she's verbally abusive - then just leave. Tell her you won't take it. And do your best to "fix" this issue before you have kids or it will only get worse.

Good luck - and welcome.


----------



## forwardtherapy (Nov 25, 2009)

You need to decide what position you are going to take in relation to these things- Blame and Demands.
If someone offers us something, we do not have to accept it (like when you are walking down the street and someone tries to hand you a flyer but you don't take it). So you have a choice to accept Blame or not in every case. If you choose to accept it, how will you accept it? With an apology? or something else?
If you choice not to accept Blame, how will you respond? What can you tell yourself?
The same with Demands. Perhaps you have been resisting unreasonable Demands already. What have you said?

With regards Abuse, I recommend that you do not accept it at all. NO one deserves Abuse. The trouble is Abuse often generates Abuse. Verbal Abuse leads to violence and no one needs that in their relationship. You need to send a strong message and often actions speak louder than words. You need to be consistent. If you say you are not going to put up with Abuse and that you will walk away from it, you need to do that each and every time. Otherwise your partner will start thinking you don't mean what you say.

And remember, she is in the same position, she can refuse to accept Abuse as well. Let her know you are prepared to listen but not if Blame and Abuse are part of the conversation. Make time to talk and hear her.


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Control or be controlled. Sorry, an intimate relationship between a man and a woman is just that way.

A woman will continue to push a man, that is what her biology compells her to do. She wants the man to push back, to take control and be dominate. Until that happens she will continue to feel insecure, and resent you for her feeling that way. A woman WILL ALWAYS resent a weak man, whether she is aware of it or not.

Until you discover this about a woman, your existence will be a battle. When you do discover this, your relationship will be better than you ever imagined it could be.

NEVER think of a woman you are intimate with as a "pal" or a business partner. In matters of emotion, when you are confused and just don't know what to do, you simply start by treating her as if she was a child. I know this sounds insulting, but women tend to be very insecure, and these insecurities are overcome by her seeing her man as in control and protective of her. 

Once a man does this, her insecurities are replaced by a heightened sexual attraction to that man. If a man realizes this, marriage will be bliss, otherwise the man over time will wish he was dead!

Good luck.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Please don't listen to BBW; he's an idiot. 

It does not matter what counseling costs--if you need it, get it. The cost of NOT getting help is much higher. 

Find and read books on "fighting fair." Do not be afraid to have an argument; you may end up being passive-aggressive and this is lose/lose too. Disagreements between adults are normal, as long as you resolve the conflict like adults. 

I'm a woman, and I want a man who will stand up for himself AND allow me to do the same. Be adult, treat her like one, and also refuse to engage at all when she becomes disrespectful. Tell her you won't tolerate that, and leave the room. 

Are you doing your share around the house? Things need to be 50/50 and you should not need to be told what to do; that forces her into "mothering" you and that's an unfair role for her to have to play. Don't just "help around the house;" do your part, do it right, and finish each job you start. Nothing is more insulting to a woman than to be expected to clean up after another adult. 

Good luck.


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> Please don't listen to BBW; he's an idiot.


Don't hold back, tell him how you really feel. 



sisters359 said:


> It does not matter what counseling costs--if you need it, get it. The cost of NOT getting help is much higher.
> 
> Find and read books on "fighting fair." Do not be afraid to have an argument; you may end up being passive-aggressive and this is lose/lose too. Disagreements between adults are normal, as long as you resolve the conflict like adults.
> 
> ...


SISTERS359 you have shared some good advice, but counceling and reading books are time wasters when the problem is so clear cut. 

Yes, it is proper when and man and woman are fighting that the man is never to put up with disrespect or encourage it by dishing it out. Walking away at that point is absolutely right, and just like I said, to treat an upset or emotional woman like a child. It looks bad to think about and see in writing but important not to ignore how the womans psyche works to be insecure and NEED to FEEL (emotionally) the love and protection of a male in control of his world.

But sorry I am wondering if you are in a happy marriage yourself, with the talk of 50/50 and wanting to be treated like an adult. Sorry but such talk in my experience simply creates a boring marriage that is in mortal trouble or maybe just like the roomates living together scenario. I hope I am wrong. 

Knowing the sage advice "Know Thyself" is important here, for the man and the woman to know themselves is sometimes hard but is important for happiness.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

What specifically is your wife frustrated about?

I get that she is behaving in a disrespectful manner - but I also believe if you ask her in a calm way to tell you the most important things she wants YOU to change she will give you some specific feedback. 

Tell us what THAT is and we can comment. Because unless we know why her baseline emotional state towards you is anger/frustration it is hard to comment. 







sisters359 said:


> Please don't listen to BBW; he's an idiot.
> 
> It does not matter what counseling costs--if you need it, get it. The cost of NOT getting help is much higher.
> 
> ...


----------



## forwardtherapy (Nov 25, 2009)

BigBadWolf said:


> Control or be controlled. Sorry, an intimate relationship between a man and a woman is just that way.
> 
> A woman will continue to push a man, that is what her biology compells her to do. She wants the man to push back, to take control and be dominate. Until that happens she will continue to feel insecure, and resent you for her feeling that way. A woman WILL ALWAYS resent a weak man, whether she is aware of it or not.
> 
> ...


My experience is that most women want Respect from their partners, and most men want the same thing. The question of how to invite Respect into a relationship which is dominated by Blame and Abuse is another matter. The three of these do not live together well. Perhaps a start is to notice those times when Blame and Abuse are not around and introduce your wife to Respect. What kinds of actions and words will show her you have Respect for her? How will you respond if you see glimpses of Respect offered to you?

I hope this has been helpful.


----------



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I agree with your comments regarding respect in a marriage forwardtherapy. It is deathly important. The only problem with your thinking is that respect must be earned. It can't be "invitited in" for a saucer of milk, like some hungry kitty. The situation rapidly worsens if one partner is "coloring outside the lines" in marriage, as their partner's "respect pool" for them quickly dries up. 

In my humble opinion, lack of respect in a marriage is never a problem if both partners are adequately performing their roles/duties, and it's always a problem if they are not. Just one man's thoughts. LIL


----------



## forwardtherapy (Nov 25, 2009)

lastinline said:


> I agree with your comments regarding respect in a marriage forwardtherapy. It is deathly important. The only problem with your thinking is that respect must be earned. It can't be "invitited in" for a saucer of milk, like some hungry kitty. The situation rapidly worsens if one partner is "coloring outside the lines" in marriage, as their partner's "respect pool" for them quickly dries up.
> 
> In my humble opinion, lack of respect in a marriage is never a problem if both partners are adequately performing their roles/duties, and it's always a problem if they are not. Just one man's thoughts. LIL


Fair enough. I guess I was thinking of the "invitation" to Respect as more along the lines of a joint decision about what to have in the house (or the relationship). Perhaps there are better metaphors. If a couple decided to redecorate, for example, it would be reasonable for them to talk about and choose the new paint colours together. Imagine living in some very dark rooms. Both of the partners agree that the house is dark, but rather than be miserable with each other, together they sit down and decide what they can both do, together, to brighten the place up.

I think once the relationship descends into 'The Blame Game' it becomes very difficult to move forward. And in a couple, who decides who is right? It only happens if one of the couple dominates and is put in the position of deciding OR when they engage a counsellor and expect her/ him to take the role of referee / arbitrator... never a good idea!

However if the couple can agree that Respect is important to both of them, and each focus on Respectfulness in the relationship (rather than blaming each other for a lack of Respect), perhaps there is a way forward.


----------



## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Uhm, nope, Wolf is right to some extent. A man has to be secure. A man has to be respectful too. Nothing is black or white in life. 

I'm gunna go ahead and say this again. Know how, as a man, after a loooong day at work, you just wanna come home and find a woman who loves you, cares that you have had a bad day, nurture you and cook you food? That is how your mom was...you expect the same from your wife when you're tired, vulnerable etc.

Ok, well, same works for a woman....when she's insecure and out of control. She needs to feel you are capable and responsible, like her dad, to protect her, and take the important decissions. Failing to do so, she feels like she has no support. Her bossing you around means she needs to feel that you're in control, capable of making decissions and being a piller of strength, when she needs that. 

She's basically pushing you to adopt that kind of behaviour. From this point of view Wolf is right. Women should not feel offended by this because men are equally childish and in need of a 'parental figure' in some situations. Very few men are happy without a woman that nurtures them. You don't have to be like that all the time...she just needs the mental confort that you can if she's in need. People go back and fourth between being vulnerable and childish and mature and in control...both men and women. 

When both people are out of that state of childishness and into a secure and comfy state, they then need a mature person who treats them as equals and respects them, as well as a person of the opposite sex they can consider lovers. If either one of them, at that point, finds their mate to be overly childish, they will NOT feel attraction towards them. Women are not attracted to weak childish men. Men are not attracted to women who mope, cry and feel insecure like little girls. The goal of a marriage, in my view, is that whenever your spouse is in need of that 'parental' support, you do it and get them out of that state as fast and elegant as possible. After which you're again at the point where you're equal and lovers. You could call this 50/50 but in a happy marriage i doubt anyone should sit around and count the exact procentage they give or get. 

This is why whenever people get stuck in one of the too modes...either too nice and parent like, or too cold and business partner like, their spouse isn't satisfied with the marriage. Sure, a man is happy when he gets motherly behaviour from his wife, when he's tired. But when he's happy and ok, he'll want a playful energetic woman he can run around and have fun with. When women adopt the motherly role for years on end, the man suddenly feels something is missing and usually ends up having an affair with a younger woman. Or the room-mates scenario follows. When men have that younger woman as a wife, who doesn't cook or take care of them, ever, they feel like they are ignored, not appreciated and so on. They may find their spouse immensely attractive but they will resent the lack of consideration and nurturing. Result?They are still unhappy. Why? No balance. A day is formed out of daylight and night-time. It would suck if we didn't have both! People are complex creatures. They can be both if they understand how this works. 

You can try be ferm yet not rude. Explain that her being bossy makes you angry, and that if she could clearly state what she wants without being rude she might even get it. As MEM said, without other details on why she's so angry, what she claims annoys her....there's not much we can say. 

What it sounds like is what both Wolf and Sister said (which is sorta the same thing but in different phrasing). You are being weak (childish) and she's stuck in mothering you mode. However, she needs a switch of roles once in a while, as i mentioned above (balance). So she's behaving childish hoping that you'll stop being childish yourself and assume the 'fatherly' role for a while. Hope this makes sense. When you manage to do that...and she gets it...you'll drag her out of childish state and you'll both reach a point where you are adults to eachother. That's the point where the respect and attraction forms. From that point on, both of you will ocassionally be childish. The more each of you understand how to handle eachother....the less childish and insecure you'll be because you'll know there's someone there to take care of you if you're in need. This leaves you MORE time for being mature, alive, and arroused by eachother.

Just my opinion. Still figuring out how to balance things out in my own marriage(sucking at the sexy, alive and mature part, due to low self esteem)...but the few weeks that i got this right and went past my low self esteem, it worked perfectly and we were both very happy (after a year of figthing and mis-understandings).


----------



## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Boundaries...very important. I think I would not be where I am (3 yrs later) in my marriage, if I had some clear-cut boundaries of who I was as an individual, and my rights as a wife. 

She has to think there is a problem too. It takes two to make this work. If she gets verbally abusive...leave the room. It is your right to not be in an abusive situation. If she realizes that no matter how hard she yells, screams, rants/raves...you will not be bullied. I have learned this the hard way. Do not use your love for her as an excuse to allow her to walk over you. If you don't make a stand now...it will only get worse. 

Make sure she knows the rules. Just state..."If you talk to me this way, I am going to leave the room." That is clear/simple...and work on yourself. In the end, you can only change you.


----------

