# Searching for female friends



## justsaddened (Apr 22, 2012)

I need a male perspective here. Two months ago I found out my husband had been having a 4 month EA with my best friend's sister. A month later, I discovered, by accident, that he has had an addiction to porn for the last 20 years that I had no idea about. In the course of that discovery, I also learned that for years he has done internet searches for many, many of our close female friends, acquaintances, movie stars, etc. Frequently with the word naked behind their names. Sometimes he did multiple searches for the same person a couple of times in a month. He searched for these women we knew even though he never found naked pictures of them. That is the baffling part to me. Why would he look for the same people, including the EA woman naked, knowing their pictures would not come up? Was he getting some thrill out of just typing their names with the word naked after it? He swears not, but of course, as I write this, I feel stupid for even asking. He tells me he just likes looking at naked women, and I get that, but am I wrong to think that when he began searching for women we know, he took it to another level of betrayal? I am devastated and have a hard time going out in public knowing that every attractive woman we know or come across has been searched for by my husband. I'm not sure what this says about how he feels about me. Again, is the writing on the wall? I had absolutely no idea about the EA since I thought things between us were fine- intimately and otherwise. My mom had moved in with us which caused a lot of stress in the household, but turning to another women for support...just never saw it coming.

Thanks for your insight.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Not sure what the question is precisely, but a few things about what I read.

1. He needs to break off all contact with the friend's sister. EA's are not acceptable at all.

2. Porn is one issue (whether or not that's acceptable is up to you both). Looking at naked pictures of women he knows in real life is totally unacceptable. A random woman's naked body conjures no real feelings for the person in the picture, a woman he knows... it's in the realm of an affair.


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## justsaddened (Apr 22, 2012)

The questions are these:

1) Is it possible for a man to repeatedly search for (but never find) female friend's and acquaintances nude pictures online and not be sexually stimulated?

2) Could searching for those pictures be a part of his porn addiction?

3) If my husband is addicted to porn and looks for other women's pictures that we know (nude and otherwise), is it reflective of how he is feeling about me?


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

justsaddened said:


> The questions are these:
> 
> 1) Is it possible for a man to repeatedly search for (but never find) female friend's and acquaintances nude pictures online and not be sexually stimulated?


That depends on what's going on in his mind. Is he fantasizing about those women while he searches. Does he find pictures of other women and in his mind superimpose the real life woman's face on the pictures he does find.

IMO trying to fantasize about other real life women in specific and masturbating with them in mind is far too close to an affair for my tastes.



justsaddened said:


> 2) Could searching for those pictures be a part of his porn addiction?


Could be, but most likely if he's got a true porn addition he would just go to one of many sites that has scads of porn. It's not hard to find on the internet.



justsaddened said:


> 3) If my husband is addicted to porn and looks for other women's pictures that we know (nude and otherwise), is it reflective of how he is feeling about me?


That's a great question, but the answer isn't clear cut imo. I could be that he loves you alone, and only considers the other women as sex objects (to put it in crass terms). It could be a million other things. To seriously answer that he should see a counselor (alone might be best for that particular question).


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

> but am I wrong to think that when he began searching for women we know, he took it to another level of betrayal?


No.

Now, to elaborate. Only you can decide what is a betrayal of your trust. In your mind, an EA is betrayal. In your mind, looking at porn is a betrayal. In your mind, searching for naked pictures of known women is "another level of betrayal". How or why would I argue with that?

I think getting right down to brass tacks, you feel betrayed. What are you two -- together -- as a team -- going to do about it?


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

All of it is fantasy. He's just lusting for other attractive women he sees. I'm not sure that's abnormal.

There's plenty of women I know in real life that I'd like to see naked. I don't get why this would be surprising to hear from any guy.

Now if he's trying to meet women, that's a whole different ball game.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> All of it is fantasy. He's just lusting for other attractive women he sees. I'm not sure that's
> abnormal.
> *I would say it is abnormal not to!*
> 
> ...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Are you friends with the type of people who might actually have naked pics of themselves on the Internet?

Must say - I've looked for a movie star or two - but never googled for naked pics of any women I actually know.

Seems kind of weird to me...


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

Looking up people with naked added is in my opinion just a bit of fun. I find it funny how some naked pictures are badly focused, taken in terrible settings or just faked. I have posed naked for drawings and pictures and do not find all nudity to be sex related. There is beauty, form and character to be found in many pictures.


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## t_hopper_2012 (Apr 17, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> Are you friends with the type of people who might actually have naked pics of themselves on the Internet?
> 
> Must say - I've looked for a movie star or two - but never googled for naked pics of any women I actually know.
> 
> Seems kind of weird to me...


The EA is obviously a problem and the hidden porn addiction, too - because he hid it from you. There are lots of couples that are open about porn use and it works for them.

Regarding the searches for naked pictures of women you both know, I'd say it's probably an offshoot of the porn addiction (Hmm, regular old porn has gotten boring ... what would be hotter? I know, pictures of our friends X, Y or Z naked!)


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## justsaddened (Apr 22, 2012)

I should probably clarify the EA to paint a clearer picture. I found 115 texts and 13 calls between them in 84 days. Some of those calls and texts I knew about (for example, I asked him to respond to her when she invited us over for Christmas, etc). Most of the texts and calls I did not know about, and in the later months, he actually lied by omission and directly, as well, when he told me he was texting our daughter and it was really her.

To compound matters, shortly after many of those texts or calls, he searched for her naked despite the fact that he never came up with any pictures of her. He searched multiple times a month for her- and others.

He takes full responsibility for the inappropriateness of texting another women and says he did not realize the volume of the calls and texts until I showed him in black and white...right....

He swears she was just someone who responded to his texts when he forwarded jokes, etc from his brother, and that he was not fantasizing about her or any of the other women. 

My take is that you cannot look for someone nude on the computer and not be fantasizing about them.

KanDo- I hear what you are saying. As for the addiction, no, it has not affected our sex life or relationship to my knowledge, but by his own admission, it has been out of control for actually longer than 20 years. Meaning that he has wasted a tremendous amount of time on it on a daily basis. I honestly had no idea. He is addressing these issues.

Nice777guy- We are definitely not friends with people who would post themselves naked. That's what I don't get. Why look for them repeatedly, over the course of years, knowing you will not be finding any pictures of them?

t_hopper 2012- you may have a point there. I would like to believe that. 

Thanks for the input everyone.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

KanDo said:


> I think the weird thing here is expecting to find nude pictures of women you know online!!! I would never expect to find my neighbor's wife naked on line.....


True, but you know you'd think you hit the jackpot if you found a naked pic of that sexy co-worker or neighbor.

I think this is the same as wanting to see celebrities naked more than just some no name amateur. There's a familiarity that makes it hotter for some reason.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

There are times where the actions themselves are not as big an issue as the idea that they were hidden from you. I know in my case, porn and masturbation were huge taboos because I was raised in a strictly Catholic setting. So I would go to great lengths to hide it from my wife, and I would feel shamed and react as such if she discovered anything, or walked in on me. 

When such things happened I wasn't really able to talk about it due to feeling so wrong for doing it, and that contributed a great deal to my issues for my wife and her self esteem, and caused further problems in our marriage. 

For me, my sexual libido is a lot higher than my wife's, so using porn was a way for me to fulfill my needs without feeling like I was bothering her. Sometimes it is just easier to be lazy because in a matter of 5 minutes I can handle the situation, instead of worrying about whether I will have my advances spurned because someone is either tired, or has a headache, etc. But I didn't realize that she was having a lot of issues with it. I was also using porn as a stress reliever, something I've tried to change as of late.

I believe there are different levels of "addiction" when it comes to porn. The most extreme are those who can't control when they are looking at it, using work computers, work cell phones, etc, the most innapropriate places to check out porn. When it is at that extreme, a person should seriously consider getting some form of personal counseling, because they are obviously at risk of losing at least their job, and their families. 

That doesn't mean that someone who is just looking at porn at home is not addicted. I believe I have a bit of a porn addiction, at one point I was likely using it 5 or 6 times a week. I have cut that down to 2 to 3 times and would like to be using it even less, but it takes time to get used to doing other activities to fill my time, instead of the porn. 

Simply because someone looks at porn doesn't mean they love you any less, however if someone's spouse has a real problem with it (like my wife does), both of you A) Open up communication about the issue so that both of your needs/problems are addressed (Honesty is HUGE here), and B) come up with some sort of compromise or understanding, where you both come to an agreement as to what you would like to do about it. 

Believe me, it is not an easy thing to talk about if your husband was like me, growing up shamed for anything related to porn or self gratification.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Oh, and about the EA with this other woman, he needs to end that. It is one thing to talk to a friend of the opposite sex once in awhile, but that volume of contact is not really acceptable, especially if you are having a problem with it.


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