# Dealing with husbands EA with co-worker



## Unsettled13012 (Jan 23, 2014)

Hi everyone. Looking for some advice. My husband of 22 years has recently had a EA with a woman that works for him. I found out in November and have dealt with a lot of emotions and pain since. Once I found out the communication stopped for awhile but started back up. Then when I found the emails the second time the EA communication stopped but there was still work communication. I noticed that things still seemed to friendly for me to handle so we separated for a month. 

Since the separation we have started counseling, he started a mens group with church, has gotten a mentor who has been through something like this and has started developing friendships with other men. He says he is completely done with it, loves me - is committed to me and our 3 children 100%. I see changes in him. Like the man I married is back. I let him move back in with certain rules and understandings that he has agreed to.

The main one of course is that he gets a new job. He is looking and has applied to several places. I have complete access to his work email, phone etc and I look - constantly. I haven't seen anything. He asks me to trust him just enough to give him time to find something new. He makes very good money and yes we need the income. He hates going to the office and I truly feel that he is remorseful. 

My question - how do I get through every single day until he finds something? He calls me throughout the day, and texts me. We have good conversations at night. BUT that little unknown piece of my mind is scared that it could start back up. The green monster is there.. I truly know that he doesn't want this EA. He just liked the attention she gave him. Compliments, flirting.. Actually - she no longer reports to him due to a departmental change but does still work in the same department. (She is also married - 6 years with two very young children) Yes - she is 13 years younger..typical..

Am I strong enough to give him a little time? How do you keep from obsessing over it all day? 

I KNOW that NC is an absolute necessity to save our marriage. But the money is necessary also..Less is definitely ok and we can work with that... but none for undetermined amount of time.. yikes. 

Ughh...


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## ConservativeBamaFan (Feb 19, 2014)

I'm sorry your in the situation. I've been on both side of the affair. I've cheated and been the one cheated on. One thing to know is if your husband wants to be that kind of man you can't stop him. Your right most of these things happen because he or she is looking for attention to replace what's getting lost at home. Kids school bills ect take over our life. If he truly loves you he will stop and show you. Sounds like he is on his way. By giving you full access that's a good start. Try and spend a few min a day together. I know it's hard but just a few min on the couch with no TV will help you and him feel better. Trust is a hard thing to get back. I'm struggling right now with it. A lot of good advice on these forums. One other word of advice go slow. Try not to over react. Good luck.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

One thing I would ask is was there something missing from your marriage that caused him to seek friendship elsewhere?

I ask this not to blame you but to point out that if you were not meeting his needs, but now you are meeting his needs, that can be excellent protection from a future affair. However, if he does not feel you did anything wrong, and you are not really doing more emotional needs meeting, then you are not very protected from a future affair.

Also, the moment you say "we need the money" is the moment that you are supporting his decision to stay and work there. You should be telling him that you will never feel safe and truly committed to your marriage to him as long as he is working with her. That's it. Let him figure his way out of the mess he got himself in. That's not your job He messed up. He fixes it. Don't give him an out.

And besides that it's the truth. You don't feel safe and this is going to hold you back. You are posting as if you are jealous and abnormal but your feeliings are completely normal and correct.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hicks said:


> Also, the moment you say "we need the money" is the moment that you are supporting his decision to stay and work there. You should be telling him that you will never feel safe and truly committed to your marriage to him as long as he is working with her. That's it. Let him figure his way out of the mess he got himself in. That's not your job He messed up. He fixes it. Don't give him an out.


*QFT!! * (Quoted for Truth) :iagree: :iagree: 

During the course of a lifetime of married life, at one point or another, one of the spouses loses their job. Sometimes they "get fired" ... sometimes they have had enough and quit ... but either way, the marriage is not in danger due to lack of funds. Okay it's not easy, and it can be scary, but the marriage is not threatened.

Every day that he is near the OW and working with the OW is another day that your marriage is in DANGER. I don't care if he does and says the right things, he still gets a tiny, little "affair zing" just by seeing her every day. One day he'll need a file from her or she'll need a report from him, and she'll say "So...how are you doing? I sort of miss you," and they'll be off again, only this time they know they'll get caught so they'll take it deeper undercover!

Now I'm not saying this as if I'm psychic; I'm saying this as someone who has seen it happen a thousand times. He either has to quit his job, TODAY...or she does. Anything less than that means you are willing to dangle your marriage over the shark's mouth for a little money. I know it's scary in this economy but what could be more motivating than "We have no paycheck coming this month"? He'll find a job!


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

To piggyback on Hicks & Affaircare...

After the EA we learned about the 5 Love Languages and His Needs, Her Needs. We realized that after many years (married longer than you), we got busy with kids, jobs, etc. and lost track of each other. Also, his #1 Need is recreational companionship (ok, maybe it's tied with sex, but it's huge). My H is a talker, craves communication, especially on certain activities. His EA started at work with innocent talking about a shared activity. It grew like mold in a shower! Had we been focused more on each other it wouldn't have happened.

I am not excusing what he did. There is, was and never will be and it has forever tainted us. I do not trust him. But the existing issues in the marriage were shared 50/50. I did not do my part.

H had to leave the job for me to stay married. Plain and simple. I was not going to subject myself to the daily mental torture of knowing he was around Skankarella. And I know it's torture! While he may call and text you, your mind is wondering if he's doing the same with her. I know exactly where your brain is right now and can admit that I am not strong enough to tolerate that.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Good that you are seeing some changes in your H with the church mentor.

From you post, it sounds like he is remorseful and trying to make changes.

But your H would not like it if you worked with your AP.

That is torture for you when he is at work. 

He may be trying, but you have been thru so much already.

Does your H try to help you with the pain?


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## Unsettled13012 (Jan 23, 2014)

Thanks everyone so far. 

Harrybrown - yes he definitely tries to help. He fully admits that he has to get out. I gues I am just waiting for that step - the action - the proof that our marriage means enough- He is very attentive to me and talks me through each of my panic attacks. He answers my questions if I see an email or something that doesn't looks right. He walks me through exactly what it meant and shows me proof.

He honestly is doing and saying almost everything he needs to. Except he is jumpy a lot. The counselor says that is normal. That he is scared too and we are trying to find what works for us. When can he look at his phone -with me in the room - without? Etc. So he is nervous to pick it up and I have a pain when I see him picking it up. It is a work phone though and he DOES have to answer emails in the evening. I know that - logically. He has offered to get rid of the work phone and get a personal one so I can track everything..

He has NEVER done anything like this before. I thought our marriage was fullproof. Naive of me.. Counseling is helping. I see that we did not have the intimacy that we needed to have. He didn't have friends outside of our marriage, we NEVER fought. Just existed..I am guilty of that also. I see that now. Kids took over our life. We stopped existing as a couple and even as individuals. Just became...parents I guess.

Sad. I love him and I believe he loves me. Just have to figure out how to move forward. The job is the first step for me. Just have decide how patient I can be...

Keep the advice coming!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, to be fair, getting a new job is HARD these days, especially if it pays well. It takes time. The last time I changed jobs, it took 4 months from the time I sent in my resume to the time I started. 

One thing you can do now is read His Needs Her Needs together, maybe a chapter each night, and discuss it. It will help a LOT.


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## lyndyb (Feb 9, 2014)

I fully understand your feelings, I found out 4 months after I married that my husband had a PA then EA with a co -worker and it had been going on for 7years. He was going on works outings and because we live in a different town he was staying over but not with one of his male friends which I believed was true but with this co-worker ow. The pain is sometimes unbearable and I no longer trust him when he goes to work. I have told him that I will not work on anything until he leaves the prison job. I have heard enough bullsh*t to last me a life time. He had all my love, trust and loyalty while he was banging this ow. ( who by the way told him she was renowned for giving the best bjs ) As I have told him he wasn't bothered about it then so why now. I hope you can work through this but don't let your guard down, Trust is such a precious thing to have and when it's broken by the person you trusted the most it seems like you can never trust the same person again.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Well, you described everyone's marriage. And not everyone cheats.

Basically, you two have a choice between marital security or financial security. And currently you are choosing financial security. It's a roll of the dice.....Hard decision.

I think you need more clarity from him on why he chose this when so many others under simillar circumstances don't.... Plus, how have you ruled out definitvely that this was a physical affair?


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Does your H work in a large enough firm that would enable OW to be transferred out of your H's sphere, so he could keep his job? Or would that not be enough?


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

6+ years of a so-called EA of my husband's with a single co-worker 11 years younger than I. It's now 9+ years because over the last 2 years he practically "killed" himself at his job to get the Downtown route and got it. Red flags galore, turns out my gut feelings were right...she frequents there for her job...Not a darn coincidence at all - "The End". They took it way underground and she is tech savvy so they are always 2 steps ahead. All I can say to you is expose her to her husband. EA or PA - It's betrayal and infidelity all the same. I believe an EA is worse because they may not get a try at a lousy PA experience, so it's always an unconsummated fantasy that keeps the dependency going on and on until it becomes a PA. Don't ignore gut feelings.

They met in 2004 at a mutual job, he left in 2004, she left in 2005 - They never left each other...Throughout the whole time I did not know...6 years of their back and forth working near or around each other; he was even self-employed cleaning boats within a 10 minute radius of her home or her job, if it were further, it was still near enough to her...Let's say he always had work-related reasons to be in or near the county she lives in - under the radar. It became 9 years and counting. If they want to do it they find a way no matter what.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

OP, I was in your position last year.

After nearly 17 years of marriage my husband became friendly with a coworker. They had coffee at work daily and spoke about private things-her how she wanted to leave her husband, him about childhood issues.

I have no proof of a PA and I trusted him when he told her he would not meet with her. It took us almost a year to put the marriage back on track.

Our situation was very specific with him changing jobs.Although he offered to ask for a transfer, this would have meant moving country and uprooting the children, selling the house at a loss.

I was not prepared to loose all and I am glad he did not change jobs.
I did VAR his car and had full transparency. He was clean and I finally managed to recover.
And the bi**tch is leaving her husband and has already found someone else( heard from a source).

Do what is right for you. Investigate, get transparency. In the worst case go to her husband and expose. At the end of the day she should bugg**r off, why should your husband look for another job?


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## stublerne (Feb 22, 2014)

I've been on both side of the affair. I've cheated and been the one cheated on.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

djkgkduk said:


> Hi everyone. Looking for some advice.


Can the moderators block this troll posting rubbish on many threads?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

OP, you mention that your dh feels jumpy, and that the counselor says that is normal. It doesn't sound like he himself feels "safe." He doesn't trust himself. 

How about asking him what would make him feel safe? What does he feel he would need to do to be able to trust himself? 

What does he think he needs to do to insulate himself from more EAs?


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## DeterminedToThrive (Nov 2, 2013)

Unsettled13012 said:


> My question - how do I get through every single day until he finds something? .


I understand the pain, my husb also works with his XEAP, he's looking for another job, it's not going to be easy to find in his line of work and at our age. 

You have to do something that is one of the most difficult things you'll ever have to do. You have to have faith. Having faith in someone who just tore your world to pieces is daunting, to say the least but You have to concentrate on the positive changes, you have to forgive and you have to trust the decision you made to stay with your partner and work things out. I won't lie, some days are absolute "white knuckle" days, but those are getting fewer and further between.


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