# when relationship seems to be gone forever



## mike_1972 (Nov 8, 2011)

I will try to make the long story short -
first few years we have great relationship, although getting occasional fights we were able to resolve them (mostly by me giving up). When I was getting more and more angry I can not get anything for me my wife asked me to "defend" my point of view a bit harder, which I did which led to endless arguments because neither of us was willing to give up
And while our fights intensified - we got 3 kids, which just make our lives a lot harder (just time-wise and financially, because she had to give up working) which added up. Since my wife was handling all house stuff - she said I am not allowed to participate in decisions around the house because I am mostly at work and she needs things to work as she needs them to be, so basically after about 8 years of marriage (about 1 year ago) I was ready to divorce because I could not handle fights and ignorance anymore. So I withdrew myself from talking to her and basically we lived like roommates for a year (although I was getting sex time to time).
A few months ago my wife signed up for some long training once a week there she met lots of new people and they hang out in someone's house after the training. Around that time I noticed I have to beg more for sex and we have to schedule it a few weeks ahead, because she claimed she was busy or tired.
Couple of weeks ago she came from training in the evening and then went outside talking to someone from 10PM to 2AM, which got me suspicions, jealous and made me think about us, so I recalled after she started training she got concerned about her looks a lot - got some new clothes, worked on loosing her weight etc.
Anyway, when next evening I asked her about what is going on - she said "nothing", but our son got out of bedroom and she gave him the warmest hug ever (she never does it during his bedtime - she is always neutral about it and just puts him back to bed), so I knew she is trying to avoid the conversation.
Next day I told her everything about my suspicion and what I am seriously concerned there is an affair starting right now. She said she had a small crash on him when training started, but nothing has happened and he is looking for different kind of girl anyway (submissive, not like her). Later on I found out they are starting a small business together as an exercise for their training.
Anyway, after I confronted her about having 4 hours at night to talk to someone, but not finding 30 min for sex she admitted the love between us is gone and when we are getting scheduled sex she feels bad for a few days after it, because she does not feel sexually attracted to me anymore. She said she believes I am a good person, but also she believes we so do not match at all because we fight all the time and recently we did not talk much anyway. Also I admitted I was thinking about divorce a while ago, so she responded instead of divorce we should have open relationship and stay married for sake of kids. My reply was I do not want open relationship - I want her, but her answer was "too late". Her statement about open relationship led me to believe she really thinks we are done and want to find someone else, but I am not ready for it so for now we agreed to just live without sex for a while - I felt I can not ask her for sex since she hates me touching her She says she made a decision - family is business, so she runs it and happiness should come from outside of marriage. I understand her feeling about it, since I was a jerk for last years (and I admitted it to her)

So I have 2 things I am concerned about
- I am pretty sure she had not sex with the guy yet, but I am also convinced she still has emotional attachment to him which I afraid might grow into love and affair (they still talk and meet a lot to setup a business, but mostly they just chat about unrelated things)
- She is officially not willing to work on out relationship, saying she tried to work with me and I did not not - not it is the opposite, she wants to have her own life and there is nothing I can do about it

So I really want us to get back together and at least I am committed to stop being a jerk (I was always against any of her initiatives, because most of them felt stupid). I still love her vey much.

Any advice where to start


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Go post in the infidelity section because at best she is in an EA, but since she has cut you off and is primping fir him, it is likely she is having a physical affair.

Your paying for her carry on her affair. Kick her out, cut off financing of her affair, and get primary custody of the kids and the house for yourself. Let her go live with him,many let her be his problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I agree with Shaggy. If you post this on the affairs page though, they will tell you she in fact is cheating bc she has checked out of the marriage, asked for open marriage (ie permission to have sex). They will say inder no circumstances to give her that permission and only a part of me agrees with this.

I remember your posts and you, being the nice guy, have developed rage inside from not having your needs met while trying most of the time. I am in your shoes even though I am the wife and I was pissed off for a while too. 

Even though I do agree that you are paying for her cheating as mentioned by Shaggy, I dont know if divorce is the answer. An open marriage is not what you want as you stated you want her. She has clearly stated she does not want you, though.

People in 1st marriages stand so firm on all the vows which are for some people against their nature. Why should we be forced to have sex with someone for the rest of our lives that dont want to have sex with us? We end up turning ourselves into little insignificant nothings trying to save our marriages and the other spouse just loses respect for us. maybe this is where the man up theory comes in... maybe you could just say "you cant have sex outside our marriage and we arent going to either until we treat EACH OTHER with respect!"

If you want to stay together for the kids and the above idea doesnt work or hasnt worked, I would say let her go be with that jerk (he would have to be a jerk if he is a single man even entertaining the idea of being with a married woman... good single men dont do that...... now desperate married men are another story). She will either choose to leave anyway for real (bc she already has left in theory) or she will get it out of her system and realize what a good husband you are. 

A typical woman cannot have sex with her husband while interested in or sleeping with another man. People, especially those in the affair fog (you will hear about on the other board), want what they cant have. It makes them try harder. best of luck!


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## LizzieBot (Jul 20, 2011)

I agree with the people above. As someone who is having trouble wanting sex with my husband (for other reasons, no affair), it is really impossible to have sex with someone if you're not emotionally into it. Or at least you won't enjoy it much and will probably try to avoid it. I think your wife is having an affair of some type and that you should absolutely not put up with her evasions or fund her secrecy.

I don't know if divorce is inevitable, but if not, then I would try to get counseling. Obviously something has been wrong here for years as you were not "allowed" to help with finances, etc. and you two essentially separated for a year. The request for an open relationship is basically asking for permission to sleep around guilt free -- I'd say no if it was me, because she's not asking out of trust in your relationship, but as a way to justify her desire to be with someone other than you. You need to have enough self-respect to stand up for your right to a monogamous marriage. 


I wish I had more encouragement to give you, but it's 6am here and I'm a tired mom. I do hope the best for you and that you find a way to get what you want/need to finally be happy, either with or without this woman who is being so inconsiderate to your marriage.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You need to man up. It's fine for your wife to take the lead in running the household. It's not fine for her to exclude you from all knowledge and input.

It's fine for your wife to disagree with you. It's not fine for her to treat every disagreement as a line in the sand that she must never give an inch on.

Right now, your wife wants you to give her your paycheck and help take care of the kids while she gets her jollies with another man. That's not fine either. You need to remove the possibility of a marital three-way from her mind immediately.

You need to look into the 180. Basically, you need to change your behavior 180 degrees from what it has been in the past. Stop pursuing your wife if she doesn't want to be pursued. You have let it be known that you are for repairing your marriage. She says no. So take her at her word and prepare yourself for divorce.

Get yourself in the best shape possible. Learn how to cook, clean, and manage your kids alone. After a divorce, that is what you will have to do. Get yourself in a social circle that you enjoy and isn't dependent on your wife (i.e., couples from the neighborhood, etc.). Show your wife that she doesn't affect you as much as she wants to.

This will help you face a divorce with dignity. And, occasionally a wayward spouse will see their plan B pulling away, realize that they may lose more than they gain, and recommit to the marriage.

Good luck.


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