# Wife is having an EA, cant let go.



## SL86 (Jul 31, 2012)

Link to original post: 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/52572-please-please-please-dont-too-late.html

Cliff notes,

My wife and I have been together for 6 years. Our relationship started rocky. She was dating my best friend and left him to be with me. She bounced back and forth between us for about a year until I put ny foot down. All games stopped and we had a great relationship for 6 years. Been maried for 2.5 yrs. I have neen dealing with some depression problems. I have had a short temper and quick to judge. 

7 weeks ago I noticed she started to distance herself from me. Noticed her phone never left her side. I was niave and didn't say anything. I started to act very clingy, she would not have sex. One night after cuddling on the coach watching a movie we decided we would go to bed. While in laying in bed she says "I want a divorce. Im not happy and have not been happy for awhile." I was shocked and hurt freaked out and started asking lots of questions to try and rationalize it.

Fast forward 4 weeks we talked most nights said she would move back twice and had an excuse both times. We started marriage counseling and things seemed hopeful at first. Then during one session she said she was done. She said she was going to turn the divorce paperwork in that following monday. I did not talk to her for 7much days at that point. I finally decided to dig. Pulled phone records and found she was been talking to an ex boyfriend. Not the one she left me for, before him. He was her first then he cheated on her and they broke up. I confronted her about it that night. She admitted to it and apologized. Said it started because she was trying to find closure from thier separation. 

She called me back 20 minutes or so later and wanted to talk. We talked about any and everything. Felt real good. Then she started sending me texts and said she wanted to keep this between us. Only person she had to explain herself to was me she said. Said she did it to get attention from me. Said she does not want to be with him.

Next day I get a couple more random good morning how are you messages. Then a call around noon she was excited to tell me about a new job she thinks she night get. 

I think all might be turning around. 

Next day samething. Then she calls me that night. Says she hasnt come back because she has hurt for to long. Said she does not want a relationship at all at this point. Not with me not with him. Said she wants to focus on her self and go back to school. 

I brike down, took all the blame and left it at that. She told me she still loved me and had imagined spending tbe rest of her life with me until now.

I havent talked to her in 4 days again. She changed the cell phone service password so I can not view the call logs.

I am having a hard time letting go. I still feel like it could work.

8 months ago we moved into a new house we had built together. Weeks before she sprung the d word on me we were talking about having a child together. 

She moved to her parents house the day after she sprung the I want a divorce. 6 weeks ago, only thing she took was her clothes. She has been back to get some paperwork but that is it. She has a bunch of family sentimental stuff still here. Her mail also still comes here. She has also not filled the divorce paperwork. 

I still have hopes of making it work, maybe I'm a fool. I just cant let go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Call her parents, inform then your wife is seeing an old boyfriend and you consider it cheating seeing as you are still married.

next find the OM's wife/gf and expose it to her too. 

See she played nice because she thought you were going to interfere with her cheating. She played nice to placate you. when it worked she reverted to her old ways.

Blow it up in her face and go dark for a while.


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## Mike11 (Aug 25, 2011)

I think you must let her go or better said let go of her, the only way you may have a chance in getting her back is if you detach and as much as it sound hard get yourself in an indifference state, any other emotion, (be perusing or being an a$$) you will feed her Emotional needs and will help her make a decision to eventually divorce you 

you must do the completely opposite of what your heart is telling you to do

Best of luck


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

What Shaggy said is exactly what you should do. It's what I would do in your situation. Blow her infidelity up and expose her cheating to her family. Expose the OM to his girlfriend or wife, assuming he has one. Doing so will make it very difficult/uncomfortable for them to continue their affair.

Mike11 also has a point. You should be detaching from her, because your marriage is headed towards divorce. Work on yourself in the meantime. Focus on your work and hobbies and such.


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## SL86 (Jul 31, 2012)

As far as I know he is single now. After I confronted her about it she called her best friend. Her best friend chewed her ass for it. I was going to call her parents. My counselor told me not to yet. I have been anticipating her coming to get ger mail so I can try and act like I have moved on. We have had the same circle of friends for the last 6 years. All have cut her off, except for her best friend which still thinks she is out of her mind. 

I am trying to detach and go about my own life. It is real hard, I get all these flashbacks of doing activities with her. 

I have been updating my facebook with outings and such with friends to try and spark some jealously.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why doesn't you counselor want you to expose the affair? It's one of the most effective things you can do.


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## SL86 (Jul 31, 2012)

She wants to talk to her about it first. She has a solo session this week. Then I go back by myself on wednesday. She also said that it would look imature and that I was tattling. She said that would drive her further away because she asked me to keep quite.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

yeah you a fool. If someone will do this before kids, why would you chance staying, having kids, only to have their lives ripped apart by this UNSTABLE person ?? The relationship was tainted from the get go. Almost incestious. You and best friend was doing her, but you gott stuck with her. She showed you what kind mof person she was by doing you both.
When we dated, old girlfriends was off limits to close friends after breakups. Especially best friends if there was a real relationship involved. She showed she had no boundries as well as you.
Now tell the truth, are you really surprised by this. haven't you been waiting all this time for the other shoe to drop ???


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

SL86 said:


> She wants to talk to her about it first. She has a solo session this week. Then I go back by myself on wednesday. She also said that it would look imature and that I was tattling. She said that would drive her further away because she asked me to keep quite.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Get a new counselor.

ETA: If you want to do anything that produces results you also have to be willing to "drive her further away"- which is just rationalization for cheaters.


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## MWD (Jul 16, 2012)

you gave her a chance, she declined. There is no such thing as a third chance after infidelity unless you simply enjoy punishment. 

-MWD


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## SL86 (Jul 31, 2012)

I had my thoughts in the beginning that she could do the same to me. I got over them by the time we got married.

I have wanted to visit her parrents in person. And tell them in front of her. I thought I would do that and then give her two options. Move back now and stop talking to him all together or come get your stuff and stay out of my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Now see, now you are manning up. That MC, is full of it. Nothing works better than exposure. it is a tried and true tool to bring light on something cheaters want to stay in the dark. From the sound of it, someone has aready been talking. Thats why her friends have cut her loose. 
And to be honest, you should to. I would not stake my future kids happiness on her as a mother.
Have you asked her if she is seeing him. If she is, then she is sleeping with him dude. Either he is talking, or someone has seen them together. Dude, don't let her breakup for a while to get her rocks off, then come running back to you. This could be the pattern she wants, just as it was before with your best friend.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

I just need to say that the MC is an imbecile. That she described exposing an affair as "immature and tattling" tells me she doesn't have any goddamn experience with infidelity, at all.

Expose first thing _tomorrow_. Drive over to your MIL/FIL's house, and tell them exactly what you told us you would.

You reconcile on your terms, or _there is no reconcile_. She doesn't like it? She can take her stuff and live with her parents. All the while you move on with your life without her.


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## SL86 (Jul 31, 2012)

I have been the one to inform the friends. I think I havent told her parrents because I m scared if she says for me to F off then they will come get her stuff. I feel that it being here gives me some hope. She is having some mental issues after a car accident. I thought it was something we could work through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

ok, lets stop the bull now. we already know you have low standards and no boundries, so why don't you use this history lesson as a springboard to develop some. YES history lesson, and hopefully you will learn something. DON'T date friends EX'S. Why is it she seem to have bigger ones than you do.

Wait is this the same poster that was fixing up the house, and she was going out ?? then left for parents house ??


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Not sure what the MC is for any more. You have to decide on that. But if you are being told not to expose because you would be tattling I think that viewpoint is very immature. You are not tattling you are holding your wife accountable. Get a new MC counselor but consider also what the purpose of counseling is for. If she was living with you I could understand it. But she is not. She is still in an affair. What is the point of MC until you can verify that the affair is over. I would tell her that either she moves home and works on the marriage full time or you stop the MC and move ahead woth the divorce. Just my view. Separation is often just away to enable the affair. 

Fully expose the affair. Do the 180. Get your new life started.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

You have to be willing to end the marriage in order to save it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

You shouldn't have messed with your best friend's girlfriend. That's a no-go area in the first place......


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Complexity said:


> You shouldn't have messed with your best friend's girlfriend. That's a no-go area in the first place......


:iagree:

If they cheat with you, then they will cheat ON you. We've seen this a few times here.

Move on with your life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SL86 said:


> She wants to talk to her about it first. She has a solo session this week. Then I go back by myself on wednesday. She also said that it would look imature and that I was tattling. She said that would drive her further away because she asked me to keep quite.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That YOU would look immature? Tattling?

Is your MC for real?:scratchhead:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

YOU should consider filing for divorce.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> That YOU would look immature? Tattling?
> 
> Is your MC for real?:scratchhead:


Another incompetent MC, there's quite a few out there as we've seen. Glad I didn't have the money for one, with my luck, I would haven gotten a sh!tty one too.

They give anyone a license these days it seems. There's quite a few regular members here in this forum that give better advice, and the best part about it is that it's free!


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Another incompetent MC, there's quite a few out there as we've seen. Glad I didn't have the money for one, with my luck, I would haven gotten a sh!tty one too.
> 
> They give anyone a license these days it seems. There's quite a few regular members here in this forum that give better advice, and the best part about it is that it's free!


:iagree:

It's not like they give them bachelor degrees in infidelity.

Way too often people who end up in Psychology are the ones who can't do any other subjects, not some who has real inclination for the field.


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

forget MC go to IC. From a womans POV she will respect you more if you man up and get a backbone. Tell everyone whats been going on. Lord only knows what tales of abuse she has been spinning.


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## SL86 (Jul 31, 2012)

The MC turned into IC 2 weeks ago when she said she was going to file the divorce paperwork we had already completed. She did not file it the day she still hasn't filed it.

She has IC tonight. This is her first since I disclosed the EA to the counselor.

When I confront her in front of her parents do I try and rationalize with her? Tell her that this is the reason why she left, not because of my depression? Do I state she was using that as a way to justify her actions? When I give my speach and say its him or me. Do I make her decide right then or leave it at that and leave? Do I give her a deadline? 

Thanks for the advice. Its reall hard to think clearly right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

SL86 said:


> When I confront her in front of her parents do I try and rationalize with her? Tell her that this is the reason why she left, not because of my depression? Do I state she was using that as a way to justify her actions? When I give my speach and say its him or me. Do I make her decide right then or leave it at that and leave? Do I give her a deadline?



When you confront her in front of her parents, do the following:
- be honest
- admit you made a mistake of getting involved when she was
dating your best friend
- realize you are learning a lesson right now
- realize that if a woman will cheat with you, she will cheat on
you
- realize you need a clean slate and some time to reflect before
moving on


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## SL86 (Jul 31, 2012)

Now she sent me a text message. "Good Morning! You have anything planed tomorrow?"

I told her I wasnt sure, why?

Then she said " so we can sit down and go over things."

I have not confronted her in front if her parents yet. Should I wait and see where this goes? I have not agreed to see her tomorrow yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

snap said:


> It's not like they give them bachelor degrees in infidelity.
> 
> Way too often people who end up in Psychology are the ones who can't do any other subjects, not some who has real inclination for the field.


I don't think it's a matter of incompetence. It's just a field where many subscribe to an incorrect model of behavior. Many counselors believe that infidelity is related to self-esteem instead of lust. It's not.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

SL86 said:


> I have not confronted her in front if her parents yet. Should I wait and see where this goes? I have not agreed to see her tomorrow yet.


I would text her back and ask, "What's changed?"

If she wants to see you so that you can reassure her that you still love her and are willing to be her Plan B, then I recommend you not see her. If she wants to ask you to take her back, I still recommend you not see her, but you'll probably want to anyway.

Also, I very much doubt that your wife is having an EA. I think it's a PA. Very few women will file for divorce without thoroughly test driving the new man. They want Plan A firmly in place before giving up Plan B.


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## SL86 (Jul 31, 2012)

Me "Whats changed"

Her " Nothing... I just have to get a schedule set up with you."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Also, I very much doubt that your wife is having an EA. I think it's a PA. Very few women will file for divorce without thoroughly test driving the new man. They want Plan A firmly in place before giving up Plan B.


Exactly.


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## SL86 (Jul 31, 2012)

SL86 said:


> Me "Whats changed"
> 
> Her " Nothing... I just have to get a schedule set up with you."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thinking I should reply with "Schedule for what? I have worked the same job for the last three years. You know my schedule. Just because you cheated on me and are now making changes dosent mean I have."

I dont know how to let go. It is killing me, I keep thinking she will come crawling back. I felt this was just a bump in the road.

She said she does not want to be with him. She just wants to be single and figure her self out.

He lives 4 hours away. I dont know when they would have together. I thought she just felt comfort because she had already known him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

SL86 said:


> Thinking I should reply with "Schedule for what? I have worked the same job for the last three years. You know my schedule. Just because you cheated on me and are now making changes dosent mean I have."
> 
> I dont know how to let go. It is killing me, I keep thinking she will come crawling back. I felt this was just a bump in the road.
> 
> ...


Your wife has left the building. "Go over things" most likely means to finish the details of the divorce and get the papers filed. Get your head out of the sand. Time for you to move on. As for exposing to her parents, they probably already know or suspect. Exposure is a tool to kill the affair and bring it to the light of day. I am afraid your wife is long past that point. She is determined to end things with you. Shows no remorse about anything.

Recognize her for the selfish, entitled, cheating, self-centered person she has become. Understand that the woman you loved does not exist any more.

Protect yourself from further hurt and humiliation. Start detaching from her. Do not fall for the "let's be friends" crap.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

SL86 said:


> Thinking I should reply with "Schedule for what? I have worked the same job for the last three years. You know my schedule. Just because you cheated on me and are now making changes dosent mean I have."


I would respond with, "I'm busy tomorrow. We'll have to do it another time." Then, you go get a lawyer and start making legal preparations.



SL86 said:


> I dont know how to let go. It is killing me, I keep thinking she will come crawling back. I felt this was just a bump in the road.


She might come crawling back. Some wayward wives do. The question is, what would make her come back to you? Probably getting dumped by Plan A man would make her come back to you. Or, if her parents kicked her out. Or, some other circumstance that suddenly made you the more attractive option. The thing is, that still makes you Plan B. Most men don't want to be married to a woman because her attempt to divorce him failed.



SL86 said:


> She said she does not want to be with him. She just wants to be single and figure her self out.


That is a typical line. And it might even be true. But it's just the old, "It's not you, it's me" line. The fact is, she's just not that in to you. Maybe she's too polite to say it directly.



SL86 said:


> He lives 4 hours away. I dont know when they would have together. I thought she just felt comfort because she had already known him.


Again, that could be true. But I wouldn't count on it. If she's divorcing you, and there's another man in the picture, I would bet on some hanky panky already being tried out.

The thing is, lustful women make time. Some of her girls nights out could have easily been meeting half-way at a hotel. Many men respond to their luke-warm wives by assuming that they've just lost interest in sex generally. Often, that's not true. Many of those wives have great interest in sex. Just not in sex with their husbands.

There are many threads here where a man in a sexless marriage catches his wife screwing another man and doing things that she would never have done with her husband. So, while you may not want to assume the worst, I certainly wouldn't assume the best.

Good luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I would have at least a consultation visit with a lawyer to know your options before I met with her.


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## SL86 (Jul 31, 2012)

So she called me and it turned into an argument about how I only think about myself. Her example was a new car she just bought after she left. It was over the budget we had discussed by 5000. She went and bouggt after she left and now tells me I was being selfish and if she can buy it on her own then we could have.

She them sends me a couple text messages after the conversation.

"And btw... I decided to go to the counseling for you BC I knew it would help you and I wanted to support you. I had given up a long time ago. Your depression really effected me and I couldn't deal with it any longer. That was the only way I could be there for you. I had to go on depression/anxiety meds BC of you and I don't want to do that again... you stress me out. That's why I'm not so willing, I will continue to have anxiety with you and I don't like it."

" It really irritates me I can't tell you my true feelings BC you take it a different way than I intend. All I'm simply trying to do is be sincere and appreciative for everything you have done but you flip it on me..."

" I can be friends with you because that's all I feel like we have been this entire time. That's how I seem so OK with everything and so "willing" to throw it away."

And now she wants to come over and talk. She said she has not talked to the other guy all weekend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SL86 said:


> Thinking I should reply with "Schedule for what? I have worked the same job for the last three years. You know my schedule. Just because you cheated on me and are now making changes dosent mean I have."
> 
> I dont know how to let go. It is killing me, I keep thinking she will come crawling back. I felt this was just a bump in the road.
> 
> ...


Four hours is nothing.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SL86 said:


> So she called me and it turned into an argument about how I only think about myself. Her example was a new car she just bought after she left. It was over the budget we had discussed by 5000. She went and bouggt after she left and now tells me I was being selfish and if she can buy it on her own then we could have.
> 
> She them sends me a couple text messages after the conversation.
> 
> ...


Let her go. She is still trying to blameshift and manipulate you.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> If they cheat with you, then they will cheat ON you. We've seen this a few times here.
> 
> Move on with your life.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

But but it was different when she did it with me. We were soul mates and in luuuuv.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

SL86 said:


> So she called me and it turned into an argument about how I only think about myself. Her example was a new car she just bought after she left. It was over the budget we had discussed by 5000. She went and bouggt after she left and now tells me I was being selfish and if she can buy it on her own then we could have.
> 
> She them sends me a couple text messages after the conversation.
> 
> ...


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

You married a cheater and now:











You were discussing kids and bought a new house. Then she is not happy anymore and wants out. You can be sure this is all about the OM. Dump her and take it as a life lesson.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Your wife is following the disloyal wife script perfectly. Her rationalization hamster won't let her believe that she's willing to blow up her marriage because she's bored, or lusting after an ex. So it has to turn you into a monster. If you're a monster, then she's not a terrible person for breaking her vows. If you're a monster, she's a hero for breaking her vows. No one would suggest that she stay married to a monster.

So, she has to cheat on you. If she's married to you, then she's not in a permanent state of bliss, which causes her stress. Stress isn't pleasant, so she is justified in doing whatever she has to to chase that elusive state of bliss.

I know it's hard, but you have to stop taking it personally. The fact is that this is the worst rejection that you've ever faced. But, it's not based in reality. It's based on the fact that you won't let her overspend and maybe you left the toilet seat up that one time. She's not being rational.



SL86 said:


> " I can be friends with you because that's all I feel like we have been this entire time. That's how I seem so OK with everything and so "willing" to throw it away."
> 
> And now she wants to come over and talk. She said she has not talked to the other guy all weekend.


Tell her that you already have enough friends. She can choose to be your wife, or your ex-wife whom you never see or talk to. She can't be your ex who's still your BFF and you spend holidays at your parents' house where she cries on your shoulder about her new boyfriend. You shouldn't be interested in being her emotional tampon.

So, if she wants to talk about how this isn't her fault and you're the bad guy, then you should stay busy until the end of time. Tell her you have no interest in discussing that. If she wants to discuss the specifics of the divorce, tell her to put it in writing and submit it to your lawyer. If she wants to take responsibility for breaking her vows and apologize to you, then listen to her. Otherwise, go dark. Run the 180 on her.

The Healing Heart: The 180

And she's lying about not talking to her boyfriend. It's still part of her rationalization. If she's doing this for internal reasons, then she's being reasonable and noble. If she's ending her marriage because she's dating another man and she would rather be with him, then she's an untrustworthy skank.

Good luck.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Your wife is following the disloyal wife script perfectly. Her rationalization hamster won't let her believe that she's willing to blow up her marriage because she's bored, or lusting after an ex. So it has to turn you into a monster. If you're a monster, then she's not a terrible person for breaking her vows. If you're a monster, she's a hero for breaking her vows. No one would suggest that she stay married to a monster.
> 
> So, she has to cheat on you. If she's married to you, then she's not in a permanent state of bliss, which causes her stress. Stress isn't pleasant, so she is justified in doing whatever she has to to chase that elusive state of bliss.
> 
> ...


:iagree: This is so accurate it is scary.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife is spouting cheater speak, in fact she's doing it perfectly.

- she blame shifts to you
- she lashes out at you when you don't give her what she wants (freedom to cheat)

You need to shine the light of reality on the affair though wide exposure. You know she's using being at her parent's place to continue the affair right? Do her parent's know she's using them that way?


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## SL86 (Jul 31, 2012)

Time to update... I fell into her trap again. She contacted me and wanted to try a couple of dates. I foolishly agreed. I thought maybe she was sincere this time. Things seemed to be going great. Dates multiple times a week, she would call soon as she got back to her parents house and thank me for the wonderful evening, we would talk until she would fall asleep. She would always tell me she loved me. This weekend she called and wanted to go to lunch. We did that spent the rest of the day together, until she had to go to work (she's working two jobs now) she came back over afterwork and stayed the night. 

I talked to her yesterday and ahe was had a horrible angry attitude, started acusing me of petty stuff trying to start a fight.

That took me by complete surprise, I don't understand where it came from. Yesterday was the personal deadline I had set for my self. So I called her this morning and told her "I can not do this anymore, Im tired of the head games. I told her she needs to take responsiblty for her actions. I am not the bad guy in this situation. She eft me, she defaulted on our marriage vows not me, she left so she could see where the ex thing went. I told her I loved her, she said she loved me. I told her to get the rest of her stuff out of my house and good luck in kife."

Man was it hard, it kills me now. All I want to do is call and hear her voice. I took all our pictures off the walls. I took all pictures of her and us off my facebook. Im trying to move forward but it feels so wrong. WTF!

I guess no cantact from here on out is best?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

OldWolf57 said:


> yeah you a fool. If someone will do this before kids, why would you chance staying, having kids, only to have their lives ripped apart by this UNSTABLE person ?? *The relationship was tainted from the get go. Almost incestious. You and best friend was doing her, but you gott stuck with her. She showed you what kind mof person she was by doing you both.*
> When we dated, old girlfriends was off limits to close friends after breakups. Especially best friends if there was a real relationship involved. She showed she had no boundries as well as you.
> Now tell the truth, are you really surprised by this. haven't you been waiting all this time for the other shoe to drop ???


and here I have always been taught that men don't like drama.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

She sounds like one of those "want what they can't have" people.

The more you push her away, the more she wants you.

The more you pursue her, the less she wants you.

Also, I think you only see the tip of the iceberg. It's possible she's seeing other men besides you and weighing the pros and cons of her options. She wants to keep you open as an option. 

Maybe she just enjoys seeing how she can manipulate you.

One thing I do know, the way she acts is not how someone acts when they are in love with you; or even if they love you but are not in love with you. The way she acts is how someone acts when they care only about themselves.

ME, ME, ME! I don't want the other man, I don't want you, ME, ME, ME!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

SL86 said:


> Time to update... I fell into her trap again. She contacted me and wanted to try a couple of dates. I foolishly agreed. I thought maybe she was sincere this time. Things seemed to be going great. Dates multiple times a week, she would call soon as she got back to her parents house and thank me for the wonderful evening, we would talk until she would fall asleep. She would always tell me she loved me. This weekend she called and wanted to go to lunch. We did that spent the rest of the day together, until she had to go to work (she's working two jobs now) she came back over afterwork and stayed the night.
> 
> I talked to her yesterday and ahe was had a horrible angry attitude, started acusing me of petty stuff trying to start a fight.
> 
> ...


One of the hardest things for a person to do is cope with change, especially when it is dramatic and life altering change. That is why it "feels wrong" - you wish it was not necessary to change - but it is. Nothing you can do about that. You can not change her. She is hopeless.

Get the D. Go dark on her completely. You have to cut this toxic source out of your life in order for you to move on.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Well done. Move on!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

SL86 said:


> Time to update... I fell into her trap again. She contacted me and wanted to try a couple of dates. I foolishly agreed. I thought maybe she was sincere this time. Things seemed to be going great. Dates multiple times a week, she would call soon as she got back to her parents house and thank me for the wonderful evening, we would talk until she would fall asleep. She would always tell me she loved me. This weekend she called and wanted to go to lunch. We did that spent the rest of the day together, until she had to go to work (she's working two jobs now) she came back over afterwork and stayed the night.
> 
> I talked to her yesterday and ahe was had a horrible angry attitude, started acusing me of petty stuff trying to start a fight.
> 
> ...


You know SL86 you can have all the great dates with your wife you want but as soon as she has contact with OM or Other Men she will dump all her anxiety, frustration and anger on you.

You did the right thing.

And your wife needs to grow up.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

To say she's ambivalent is a gross understatement. Obviously, she is not committed to the marriage. She needs help, but not yours. Continuing to try to patch things up at this point is only going to cause you more pain. I believe that you are doing the right thing for yourself. Unless she contacts you and vows a complete full court press on her part, I'd move on. Read Shamwow's thread on going dark and getting on w/ your life.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

The dates were an illusion. You were just wasting time with your wife. You were continuing to be her Plan B while she spent her days pursuing Plan A.

So, you did the right thing. You should be Plan A or nothing. And you should go dark. If she calls you wanting more dates, ignore her. If she calls and wants to cast you as the bad guy, ignore her. If she calls and wants to do the hard work of repairing your marriage, then you can choose to listen. Otherwise, she just really, really wants you to be her Plan B.

Good luck.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

SL86 said:


> I guess no cantact from here on out is best?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, you are doing the right thing.

This hot/cold reaction is very common, it was too soon and you tried too hard (showed too much interest in getting her back). You should have declined and let her start to panic and miss you to the point where she is showing up to your place begging for you to talk to her.

It could still happen if you go NC for a couple of months, she must have some feelings still but she is too confident that you are always going to be there for her and she needs to be worried about losing you. You being willing to take her back after all she has done looks weak (because you are putting up with it).

Go out and have fun and don't worry about her. Make it a game to ignore her calls/text knowing that each time you fail to respond she dies a little inside. She WILL try to hook up again later as long as you follow through and stay away/file for a D. The more you detach from her, the more she will want you. 

That being said I'd just D and forget about her. She has too many unresolved issues with the ex and this will end up popping up again later if you were to R.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

SL86 said:


> Link to original post:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...52572-please-please-please-dont-too-late.html
> 
> ...


Wow your wife is a great manipulator. You are having a hard time letting her go because you think she is the same woman you married. That is not the case. You wife ,through poor decision making, is not totally calloused towards you. She obviously is just keeping you on the line. 
While you're on the line she is continuing on with the A. The I don't want to be in a relationship is bullcrap that's why she hid the phone records so you wouldn't know she is full of it.

You have to wake up and stop pining for the woman that just screwed you over. MAn up and leave it isn't hard it is a choice you make everyday. You wake up and say I am going to call a lawyer. I am going to go through a D. I am not going to be treated like garbage. I am going to find someone new that isn't evil and selfish. You choose to act or you choose to stay a victim to a woman that has betrayed you, used you, hurt you, and emasculated you. 

Stop it you are better than this and deserve to be happy. Leave this pathetic excuse of a wife and find someone better.


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## SL86 (Jul 31, 2012)

So 3 days since I told here I was done. I havent talked to her since. She tried to call last night I did not answer. She sent me a text message this morning "My full name, are you ignoring me?  Good morning!"

Haven't responded, cant decide if I should. Thinking something like "I only talk to friends and family, soon to be ex's dont fall in either of those categories."I or ignore hmmm
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

SL86 said:


> So 3 days since I told here I was done. I havent talked to her since. She tried to call last night I did not answer. She sent me a text message this morning "My full name, are you ignoring me?  Good morning!"
> 
> Haven't responded, cant decide if I should. Thinking something like "I only talk to friends and family, soon to be ex's dont fall in either of those categories."I or ignore hmmm
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ignore her.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

STW said:


> sorry brother she is in a PA and you are her back up plan,
> do not contact her and stay no contact, have her served D papers and wait to see how she reacts


:iagree:

Exactly because you both might as well get used to not communicating with each other. 

Hell, enjoy the pace.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The hot/cold response is normal, it's called fence sitting. When she's with you, it seems like there's a chance. Then she makes contact with OM and suddenly remembers that she's supposed to hate you because you're a bastard and OM is Prince Charming. That's why you were surprised by her complete turnaround, when she was angry on the phone and picking a fight.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

And SL86


Pack her crap up that she left at the house and Leave it in the driveway.

Tell her it's next to the Trask and she better pick it up before the garbage man does.

That is the NLT message you send her.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

SL86 said:


> So 3 days since I told here I was done. I havent talked to her since. She tried to call last night I did not answer. She sent me a text message this morning "My full name, are you ignoring me?  Good morning!"
> 
> Haven't responded, cant decide if I should. Thinking something like "I only talk to friends and family, soon to be ex's dont fall in either of those categories."I or ignore hmmm
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


SL86,
Have you ever considered she may be bipolar?

Dude, it's over.

You sound like a nice guy. Save yourself. Imagine yourself with someone better. You can do this. I divorced my WS after I discovered her affair. There is life after this. I promise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

SL86 said:


> She sent me a text message this morning "My full name, are you ignoring me?  Good morning!"
> 
> Haven't responded, cant decide if I should.


I would choose between ignoring her, or a simple "yes".

Good luck.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

SL86 said:


> So 3 days since I told here I was done. I havent talked to her since. She tried to call last night I did not answer. She sent me a text message this morning "My full name, are you ignoring me?  Good morning!"
> 
> Haven't responded, cant decide if I should. Thinking something like "I only talk to friends and family, soon to be ex's dont fall in either of those categories."I or ignore hmmm
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yea then this happens. " Please don't be like that I love you. I am just going through a hard time. talk to me please."

Then you give a little and she keeps saying what you wanna hear. and working on you. 

Yea no you drew you line in the sand stay behind it.


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