# Thinking a whole lot about an affair...



## froggygirl (Dec 31, 2010)

Hi Everyone,

I am new here... but need somewhere to discuss my thoughts.. there is no one else in the world I can discuss this with..

I am stuck in a crappy marriage.. there is no love left, there is no caring left, there is no hope for me to resolve the issues.. I just don't have it in me anymore.... it has been many years and I am done trying....unfortunately, financially, we are stuck together... divorce is not an option now... but it is on my mind constantly..

I have a very close friend that has been noticing how unhappy I am.. he can tell... he knows.. and he has been encouraging me to do what makes me happy.. he has been flirting and sending me very suggestive messages... I know that if I wanted, I could take this a step further..

I know he is not the one that I want to be with, but the thought of having the chance to have fun, be close to someone is so strong.. He is unhappily married as well..

I am so confused... 

Help if you can..


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Get out of the marriage first, if that's what you want to do. Get a room-mate or whatever you need to do financially. You can at least separate, even if you don't do the divorce immediately.

C


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

Trust me, I know the feeling. However, it sounds as if this person may be looking to take advantage of your situation. A little fun can turn into a big mess. If you aren't looking to make something of the relationship with this person, get a divorce and go out and have all the fun you can stand.


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## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

Right , what a bad situation and an affair and a bit of fun seems like the first option ... I would say to you don't do it under any curcumstances if he is your friend then I would say you know his wife too. He may be unhappy too but thats his issue and his life to sort out , if you truly are at an end with your husband then find a way out. Believe me affairs only make things worse , maybe not at the begining when its all fun but it will come out, and the sh"t will hit the fan , then you will be stuck in the house not only with a man you dont love but one who is livid. DONT DO IT


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Of COURSE your "friend" has been encouraging you to do what makes you happy! He's hoping your doing what makes you happy means he's going to get in your pants. If you can't fix things with your husband, then get out. I don't EVER advocate for having an affair. It ends up being the catalyst for just TOO MUCH PAIN. 
You said financially you're stuck together. I'm not sure I understand that one. You can leave your husband, and work as many hours necessary to support yourself. I've known a lot of people (and have been one myself) who had to work two or three jobs to make it happen. It depends on how determined you are.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Go for it. Your situation is very similar to mine. Unfortunately for me, I was never good at meeting women when I was young and attractive. What I've gained in my ability to meet people is offset by crows feet, a balding head and a little more flab. 

Life is too short and I'm not too old that I will accept a life with someone who wants me only as a roomate and domestic helper. The prospect of never being kissed passionately again is not an acceptable one to me. And although the chances of me finding someone who wants to use me only as a sex toy are pretty slim, I'm not giving up. And I've actually gotten a first big step out of the way: the decision. If the opportunity presents itself, I'm taking it.

And the sad part is that I don't think my wife would really care.


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## AdrenalineJunkie (Dec 30, 2010)

coming from someone that is in a similar situation I would say talk to your husband and work out a plan to get out if that is what you both want. My husband lost his job in March so we are living off of my income. It works for us but it also put me in a major bind. we had lost all passion and he never wanted to do anything with me and put me down a lot. I started having feelings for a co-worker and that esculated into a big emotional attachment between us. Only difference is it wasn't just a want to have fun my feelings were like none I'd really ever had. for the 3 years before that my marriage had not been good and I was lonely even when we were together. I tried to talk to him then and tell him I was unhappy but he didn't want to make any effort to fix it and things just got worse. I thought many times about leaving and even suggested it to him but then he would try for a little while to be better and I'd stay. Things always went back. If I had it to do over I would have left then and figured out a way to work things out financially. I can make it on my own and we don't have a lot of debt but I would be having to pay him a lot. the added relationship whether just for fun or not only adds to the stress and problems. I told my hubby about my feelings and that's when he suddenly decided to change and go to counseling. Now I still recent he didn't listen to me before and I still think about the other guy a lot. I decided to try to work things out with hubby but if your feelings are too far gone it's hard. 
If I do leave I think it should be on my own and I should stay single for awhile. Not that I wouldn't date but moving in with anyone or marriage is definitely not in my immediate future. Another thing to think about is the other person's wife and family. My co-worker is now separated because of things and he is happy that way but there are always more people involved. this has really been the thing that bothered me most in my situation. I've always been a loyal person and not the type to go after a married man but you never know what life is gonna throw you. So my advice would be to get out of your marriage first and see how that goes before doing anything else.


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## froggygirl (Dec 31, 2010)

How I wish getting out of this marriage was so easy... honestly there is no way. I have no place to go and cannot afford an apartment..trust me I have thought about it so many times... Our house is the problem.. the value has tanked and we owe more than we could sell if for... I cannot afford to live here on my own, and being the one who makes more money (enough to live on my own in a smaller place) I am sure that he would not have to contribute anything if we do get divorced.. although, I am not sure how all that works in. 
As far as the affair goes.. it just feels so good to be pursued... it feels good to know there is someone that has an interest in me. Even if it is just sexual, it thrills me to no end. It has been such a long time and I want to feel alive again. As far as the hurt and pain that is caused from an affair, I really don't care... The lists of crap he has pulled in all of years of marriage make up for it.. I have justified it in my mind.. I have never done the things that he has done, lying, substance abuse, loss of job after job, laziness... the list goes on and on and on... I am too the point where it is my turn... he can be the one who feels the sorrow and disappointment for once...
I have never tried telling him that I have feelings or want to have feelings for someone else... I have kept that to myself until now... I am unsure of the reaction..

I can't stand thinking that this is how I am going to spend the rest of my life... it is just not fair... I do not deserve this and have spent so many years regretting marrying him...

ugh.. I feel so helpless..


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Then why are you here if you have decided and don't care about your husband?


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## danavince (Nov 19, 2009)

You may not care about the pain your affair would cause him because of your anger and resentment that you have for him, but think about the pain it will cause you. An affair may seem like a fun escape, but often you will end up feeling used and bad about yourself. I highly recommend you seek counseling. You do have choices. Maybe the choices aren't the greatest ones, but you are not trapped. You perceive yourself to be trapped and that is only going to keep you stuck. Affairs are no different than drugs or gambling. They can be addictive because of the escape, the rush, the excitement, but in the end it leaves you feeling empty. And I agree with what others have stated here, this guy is looking to take advantage of your vulnerable situation. 

Do you have children?


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## froggygirl (Dec 31, 2010)

yes... we have 3 children and I hate raising them in a home where there is not a loving relationship... as hard as we try to keep it normal around them, kids are not stupid and I know they are learning all the wrong ways to love someone. 
Why am I here? I am here because I need to hear the consequences/rewards of my thoughts and actions... reading what some of you are saying is helping me process this decision I need to make..
Having never had a PA (I do believe I am already in an EA, but keep calling it "friendship") I am not sure of the aftermath... for him, I am not concerned about the hurt... for me, I don't know it feels like and to hear that there is an emptiness after the thrill is gone makes me rethink this... 
As far as my friend taking advantage, this is not a recent friendship.. this is a long friendship (8 years), it is not until recently that things have changed... we have always vented about our marriages to each other.... for as long as I can remember. I don't think he just wants in my pants or is praying on my situation... I think we are both after the same thing.. an escape from our current situation...


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Then keep reading.

Affairs usually cut a path of destruction and misery a mile wide.

Affairs only turn into a new marriage 3% of the time. Even then those marriages that start as affairs frequently fail.

Your friend does want in your pants.

Talk to your husband about everything that is going on.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Start with counseling for yourself. There are always other options. Affairs lead to a type of anger and bitterness that makes it much more likely your children will suffer by being pitted against their parents, forced to choose sides. Don't go that route.

After you have done some individual counseling, see if you can find it in your heart to do joint counseling. Again, think about what you owe the kids--not a self-sacrifice, but as much effort to preserve the marriage and improve it as you can. 

Perhaps in counseling you will find a way to re-kindle the passion, or, if not, the two of you may reach an agreement that divorce is best for the family b/c you are right, the kids are learning about relationships from what they see every day. Better to see two happy individuals leading fuller lives than to see two unhappy people stuck together "for the sake of the kids."

Your friend is just as wrong as you for taking advantage of this situation. Yes, you both want something from each other, but neither of you is free to take or give it. Cut contact now; it will be a tremendous advantage to think through things without this distraction--and that is all it is right now, a distraction. 

Be stronger than that for the sake of the kids. Do the right thing. Good luck.


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## danavince (Nov 19, 2009)

The fact that you have 3 children changes a lot of things. You have to think about them. You may think the decisions you make behind closed doors doesn't effect them, but it most certainly does. They will be the innocent victims in this destructive choice. If for nothing else, do not do this to your kids. 
You should share with your husband that you are very unhappy in the marriage and that you need help. If he is unwilling to go to counseling, then go by yourself. 
You are avoiding the issues. By complaining to your friend about your marriage (exactly how most affairs begin) you are avoiding dealing with them. It also gets you stuck in the thinking that the problems in the marriage are all your husband's fault. You are blaming him and seeing yourself as a victim. You need to take some ownership of your part of things and seek help. As long as you blame him, nothing will change. And you have a lot of other positive choices you can make to deal with your situation, an affair is not going to solve anything, it will only compound the situation. You need to deal with the problems in your marriage....in your marriage. 
Please seek counseling for your children's sake.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

tough situation, 

I hear about the hurt caused by affairs alot. But I wonder if that is realy true. I guess children that see this kind of actions feel that because of the affair their wolrd was changed from nice and secure to uncertian and scary. But if mom and dad just get divorced then their world is still uncertian and scary.

I would like to hear from some people that experianced their parents divorcing because of an affair and how it effected them and their views of their parents because of it.

and if when they mature they understand how hard it is to stay married for the kids and sometimes even with the best intentions it happens.an affair.

I'm not trying to poke a bees nest I truly am just trying to understand.

as far as the hurt caused to the spouse. In most situations where 1 spouse comunicated over over that there was a problem and unhappyness. and the other just ignored it or said the right things but never realy tried working on it. then resentment sets in to the point you don't care or maybe you even want to hurt your spouse for the hurt they caused over the years. 

I can totaly understand that.

The high road would be to divorce first and lead by example for your kids to learn from. it would still be hard and hurt feelings for everybody but in the end you teach your children some important stuff.

I also do not see many men responding to this and I find that interesting.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Say, froggygirl, I have a question, even though you may not answer honestly, but I have to ask: was it a crappy marriage from the beginning, or did it just start to look crappy after you and "Mr. Wonderful" started being friends?


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## froggygirl (Dec 31, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Say, froggygirl, I have a question, even though you may not answer honestly, but I have to ask: was it a crappy marriage from the beginning, or did it just start to look crappy after you and "Mr. Wonderful" started being friends?


It has been bad for a long, long time.. years...and my husband has such poor communication skills and the ability to forget everything that is wrong, it makes it impossible to fix anything.. In his eyes, the next morning after a bad day, he is over and done with it.. but nothing was ever fixed or settled. Honestly, my friend has been my friend for years... It is not about sex.. really it isn't... it is about just the two of us being able to talk to one another.. about someone understanding the situation I am in because he is in the same boat... although, I am not saying the physical part wouldn't be nice as well... 
I have talked to my husband about counseling.. he is all for it, we have done it in the past.. obviously, it didn't do much good did it... perhaps we had a bad counselor. 
I am just tired of trying.. and being in a house that has tanked in value, we are really stuck here... we can't afford a 2nd living arrangement... neither one of us can afford the house note on our own.. we are 2 person income. 
I honestly just want to be happy.. I want a loving spouse... I want a loving extended family..not a bunch of dysfunctional family members.. trust me, I should have run years and years ago, but I was young... if only I knew what I know now..


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## angela85 (Jan 2, 2011)

yup, you can go where you want to live just to be out his sight.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I bet your marraige has had problems for years.. lets say 8 years? If I'm not mistaken that is the time you started talking about the marriage problems with your friend instead of your H. Is That about right?

I just read a new thread were the guy cheated, I hope you caught that. The thing that sticks out is the statement he made about feeling like a criminal, you are really barking up the wrong tree. So at the very least tell your H about your feeling. Don't you owe him that much?


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## froggygirl (Dec 31, 2010)

the guy said:


> I bet your marraige has had problems for years.. lets say 8 years? If I'm not mistaken that is the time you started talking about the marriage problems with your friend instead of your H. Is That about right?
> 
> Nope.. I don't agree with the timing..he was someone I have known for years.. our friendship has grown immensely in the last year.. we live in a small community so we are together at different functions, school, sports, etc...
> 
> I have no problem being friends with guys.. I have several friends that are men... it is just the two of us have been confiding in each other, I don't do that with the others. I don't think he is out to ruin my marriage... he is not out to ruin his marriage... we are just 2 people in the same boat.


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## changehappens (Sep 14, 2010)

I just posted on a similar situation on this website. You'r situation is not exactly the same as mine, but here's what I advise based on my personal and ongoing experience - DROP THE AFFAIR THOUGHT FAST! 

Unless you're looking for a whole lot of excitement, stress, anxioty, sleepless nights, pain, hurt, trouble, etc. etc., you need to FIRST get it figured out with your husband without the distraction of someone else being there to cloud your vision. You only have the following list of people who could potentially get emotionally hurt unless you take care of matters outside said distraction; yourself, your husband, your kids, the other man, your family, your husband's family, your friends, your husband's friends, the other guy's family and friends, your coworkers, people you don't even care about who are your neighbors, and on and on. Just think about the concept of trust and how hard it is to keep it, but how easy it is to lose it forever. It only takes once. I'm telling you - you're playing with fire here. You WILL get burned if you aren't smart.

On the other hand, you could do what I did and get involved (emotionally) thinking that you can handle it - that you're justified because of blah blah blah about your husband not meeting your needs - that you can just do what you think you need for yourself becasue of blah blah blah reasons and you only have one life to live so you might as well make the best of it - that love will trimuph.... Well, if any of that rant is even close to what you've been telling yourself, you're already in over your head.

If you haven't said anything or made a move yet - your lucky - don't. At least not until you're legit and have finished EVERYTHING with your husband (that's a whole 'nother' rant). 

All this is coming to you courtesy of my personal experience - because right now, I'm standing in front of a 90 mph emotional freight train - it hasn't hit yet, but it's coming. I hope my rant can spare you pain similar to mine - just don't do it - at least not until you know you've done the right thing about your current relationship.

It also sounds to me like you're looking for a knight in shining armor to come rescue you based on your description of the dire predicament you're in re finances, etc. Guess you made your bed - you have to sleep in it now at least until things change so you can get out. Maybe the best thing for you to do now is to figure out how to make your current situation better - did you ever think of that? Maybe you should just open up w/ your husband and tell him what would make you happy and, then objectively considering the alternatives (e.g. bankruptcy, divorce, etc), develop a game plan that could make life tolerable. It's probably not going to be like it is in the movies, but maybe there is a thread there that can bind you together and prevent a complete meltdown.

I dunno - life is short - part of it sucks - part of it is OK if you have a decent attitude - and most it seems depends a whole lot on luck. Are you lucky?


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

I agree with changehappens wholeheartedly. You are heading down a slippery slope with dire consequences.


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## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

Hi male here,

All I can say is that as a man who has done nothing wrong in my marriage for eight years, but provide the best a husband/father can provide has a wife who has changed in the last year a lot. The last thing in my mind, would be to have an affair for the sake of what! I work in a big place with a lot of females, and I am a handsome charming man. I respect my home while I`m in my marriage, because I would never want my daughter in the future to find out that her dad did any wrong doing.

With that said, I have had a lot of married women come to me with the intent to pursue an escape or one day affair, and I have sat with them and told them that all that will do is bring more problems to the table at home, work etc. So before you choose to sleep with your friend think of the consequinces this will bring. After your friend sleeps with you for the first time you will find out after you both have your climaxes together if that will make you feel better at home.

Sorry for being blunt! but everything at the beggening sounds so good. Like going to the car dealer ship to purchase a new car, once you drive out of the dealer ship and show it off to your freinds and family the car payments are there for a long time. Sorry again for being blunt, just be prepaired to find yourself alone without a husband and a friend in the long run. Good luck


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