# How would you handle this?



## alltoohard (Jun 3, 2013)

Last weekend my fiancé (together 10yrs with two kids) went to her 20yr high school reunion. At an after party she got chatting to an old flame who she had hooked up with some 20 or so years ago. Many drinks later they were reminiscing about their previous hook up (kissing, no sex) and got to chatting about how they still found each other attractive. Along with lots of flirting she said that if their situations were different they would be having sex by now. He mentioned that it didn’t matter to him and he would like to. She says that she was loving the attention and was definitely encouraging it by flirting and kept saying “if things were different...” 

Later on he walked her to a taxi (they were holding hands), once they stopped he came in for a kiss and she pushed him away, twice. Apparently he was also rubbing her bum (her recount is a bit foggy due to the alcohol) and he also tried to touch her ‘down there’ through her dress. She again pushed him away. 

She says it felt wonderful to be getting all of this attention from him and she definitely didn’t discourage it, only his physical advances. I believe her story that nothing else happened. I’m feeling lost, I’m glad that nothing else happened, but feel disgusted that she would talk to and encourage another guy like that. I don’t want to be without her but I’m not sure I can get past this and will I ever feel the same about her again?

Anyone been in a similar situation, how would you handle it?

Your comments are much appreciated.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wow OP...I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say other than if I were in your shoes I'd be absolutely devastated at the betrayal. Not sure I could get past it to be honest.


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## Nicolerae (Oct 18, 2015)

Agree that would break my heart.  Have you and your wife been having any problems? Im not saying t was right in NO WAY for her to say that to you but is she trying to get a reaction out of you? Im clearly not good with relationships haha or at least the one I'm in, but I'm truly sorry that happen to you. My heart breaks for you. Im hoping someone on here will be able t give you some good advice


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sorry you are here, your fiancé has definitely crossed some boundaries with this

Some questions you need to ask

1. what is motivating her to tell you all of this, is she trying to make you jealous? or let you know that other men find her attractive and perhaps you are not giving her the attention she needs?
2. why have you guys been engaged, not married but have two kids, seems to be some issues there? Has she been looking for a more permanent commitment from you?
3. Have you guys has any trouble recently?

You need to nip this in the bud, because whatever the underlying issues are in your relationship it is likely she may not stop there the next time. YOu have to sit her down and talk about it and say that she is crossing boundaries as she is in a committed relationship with you and ask her how she would feel if you did the same thing with an old flame.

I just get the feeling that there is something deeper going on.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

And she came home and told you this story? I almost wonder if her confession was a preemptive move, either because much more happened and she's afraid you will get wind of it so she's doing damage control, or she's laying the ground work to exit the relationship.

You need to start checking her phone and other devices, she confessed she likes the attention, chances are she's going to continue looking for that attention, either from the old flame or from other men. I would also be very worried if she does "girls night out", it seems alcohol seriously clouds her judgement so being in that kind of atmosphere could lead to more problems. 

Time for 100% transparency and some counseling.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

This is kind of a grey area for me. On the one hand, she's not married and is free to enjoy the attention of any man who wants to give her attention. On the other hand, she is in a committed relationship.

How would I handle it? I'd take a hard look at my relationship and figure out why we haven't married and why she needs attention. Maybe the answer to both is that this relationship has run it's course.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

I would thank her for her honesty (or as much trickle truth honesty as she can right now).

I would then begin the process of removing myself from her life (as much as you can since you have kids).

She is done or in the process of being done with you.

She simply doesn't have the words yet to tell you she is done.

If she had any respect for you (or herself) she simply wouldn't have done any of this. 


She has now joined that wonderful class of people known as a cheater. Cheaters lie. So here's the issue - cheaters minimize. So is she giving you everything or a damage controlled version of what happened? You will never know.

The fact that she willing encouraged the behavior should speak volumes to you.

Again, good for her for being honest (or as honest as she thinks she needs to be). But this is the real world. The real world has real consequences. One shows to be unfaithful once, they will be unfaithful again. 

Don't bother checking anything. Why - you already know she's an admitted cheater. What more is there to prove. Simply tell her you love her. You wish she finds happiness some day, but it won't be with you. Since she doesn't have the strength to end the relationship, *you choose to not allow yourself to be with someone who will cheat*. Plain and simple. Split whatever needs to be split (not sure how you split up stuff if you're not married). Work out a co-parenting schedule, and leave.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Sounds like a possible preemptive partial confession in case something gets back to you. If not, the fact that she let it go that far, means that POS will continue. I mean, the dude almost struck gold. With as much encouragement that she gave him, why would he stop. You can bet, she got his contact info to pick this up where it left off. 

It's 007 time. Var in car, access to all email, phone, and social media. Work on yourself. You may have gotten to complacent and not giving her what she needs. 

Also, why isn't the mother of your kids your wife? Shouldn't that have been done long ago?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

And this is precisely why going to a high school reunion without your partner is a really bad idea.

Alcohol + old flames = disaster.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Well, her behavior shows that she is currently a risk factor for flings and affairs.

Detach to protect yourself and figure if this is worth the risk of future possible hurt or not. But in the meantime, trust her behavior over her words. Words are easy, action is what one trusts more. If she wants to be with you still, she will work towards making you feel more secure so you can trust her.

change does not occur over night and it takes time to change. If you feel like you cannot get past this, it is better now to separate than drag it out. This is why you need to detach, to clear your head and gain some stability.

If she needed the outside validation for her worth, she is more likely bound to repeat this behavior again. It is rewarding.

If the relationship is great now and she still has poor boundaries, the risk factor increases when the relationship is less stable.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I am sorry your hear but let me ask you, when she recanted this story to you, did she display remorse ?, did she feel shame or was it something you felt she wanted to pursue with this guy? is this guy married if he is you might want to ensure that his wife know this. is she talking about leaving your relationship?


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

Did she take the taxi home or was she staying overnight there?

When she told you this, did she seem happy about it? Or was she trying to show remorse? When did she tell you? That night? a few days later? How’d she bring it up?

It’s a fact of life that men are going to hit on women, married or not. Especially if they think they have a green light (she stuck around chatting, flirting, telling him she was attracted to him!, holding hands!).

She showed some really poor boundaries.

Do you know anyone else there? Any of her friends that you know? You might want to get another source on what really happened.

And yeah, check for texts, emails, facebook chats, etc PRONTO. That shark smells blood in the water.

Start researching this guy. Look up his address, phone number, wife’s name, etc.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Wow, she sure gave you a lot of details.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

alltoohard said:


> Last weekend my fiancé (together 10yrs with two kids) went to her 20yr high school reunion. At an after party she got chatting to an old flame who she had hooked up with some 20 or so years ago. Many drinks later they were reminiscing about their previous hook up (kissing, no sex) and got to chatting about how they still found each other attractive. Along with lots of flirting she said that* if their situations were different they would be having sex by now.* He mentioned that it didn’t matter to him and he would like to. She says that she was loving the attention and was definitely encouraging it by flirting and kept saying “if things were different...”
> 
> Later on he walked her to a taxi (they were holding hands), once they stopped he came in for a kiss and she pushed him away, twice. Apparently he was also rubbing her bum (her recount is a bit foggy due to the alcohol) and h*e also tried to touch her ‘down there’ through her dress. She again pushed him away. *
> 
> ...


If she put herself in a position to cheat, she is already guilty. 

A little more time and a little more alcohol and he probably gets in her pants.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

alltoohard said:


> Last weekend my fiancé (together 10yrs with two kids) went to her 20yr high school reunion. At an after party she got chatting to an old flame who she had hooked up with some 20 or so years ago. Many drinks later they were reminiscing about their previous hook up (kissing, no sex) and got to chatting about how they still found each other attractive. Along with lots of flirting she said that if their situations were different they would be having sex by now. He mentioned that it didn’t matter to him and he would like to. She says that she was loving the attention and was definitely encouraging it by flirting and kept saying “if things were different...”
> 
> Later on he walked her to a taxi (they were holding hands), once they stopped he came in for a kiss and she pushed him away, twice. Apparently he was also rubbing her bum (her recount is a bit foggy due to the alcohol) and he also tried to touch her ‘down there’ through her dress. She again pushed him away.
> 
> ...


Logically, you will never know for sure what happened. If more happened, she likely wouldn't tell you. If this is all that happened, you have no way of knowing for sure.

The fact is, she let him cross multiple boundaries, and it started with her chatting and getting drunk with an old flame.

I'd handle it by calling off the wedding.

Imagine a lifetime of having to wonder and watch her like a hawk.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Omar174 said:


> If she put herself in a position to cheat, she is already guilty.
> 
> A little more time and a little more alcohol and he probably gets in her pants.


Or maybe he did. (get in her pants) I can't get past the fact that it's so predictable that cheaters always lie, or at least minimize their stories. I think it's either worse than her accounting of what happened, or she's testing the waters and thinking seriously of leaving the relationship. Or both.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

You signed up a year and a half ago to handle this situation. You started this post June 3 2013 and it ended a page and a half later on June 4. I'm guessing with no resolution. 




alltoohard said:


> The issue is we’ve turned into flatmates. We’re no longer passionate, there’s no intimacy. At all! I want to make love to her twice a week and she’d be happy with twice a year. She actually said to me the other day that she could easily go a year without sex. I’ll admit that I was devastated.
> 
> 
> We talk monthly about how I feel when she rejects me and how she feels rejecting me, we talk for ages about feelings, life pressures, making an effort etc but it never makes an ounce of difference.



So your wife is low drive?

From THIS thread, 2.5 years Later:



alltoohard said:


> Along with lots of flirting she said that if their situations were different they would be having sex by now.



A couple of hours with an old flame and, MINIMUM, she's fantasizing about sex with him. Probably more than she admitted to. Speaking of which, we can't do much more until we find out WHY she revealed all of this. I'm with the "cautionary, pre-emptive confession" crowd.

Anyhow, she doesn't love you as much as she says she does. Not attracted to you anyhow. What they did this one night is a symptom. You being in the process of losing her is your issue.


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## Coachme (Sep 9, 2015)

It sounds like you really love your fiancé and want to be with her and grow from this experience. She did the right thing to tell you what she could remember and what she was thinking at the time. You may not have wanted to hear what she had to say, but it does give you some insight into what she likes and what she responds too. So instead of focusing on what happened, you could focus on what you can do to bring those things to your relationship now. For instance, she mentioned that she liked the feeling of being wanted and desired, the feeling of attention and flirting. My guess is that with 10 years together and 2 kids, some sense of spontaneity, adventure, variety, passion, uncertainty and fun have lessened and need to be reignited.
So you could focus on what you could do to bring these things back to your everyday life. It sounds like her need for variety is very high at the moment and you can meet this. You know her well, you know what she likes and what you have had fun doing with her in the past.
I think that her behaviour could be a cry to you for variety and spontaneity and she wants you to step up and help to meet this need for her.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Well when you do confront her don't be surprised when she says she was drunk and just letting the booze do the talking. 

If it was me I would tell her to take the ring off because she doesn't deserve to wear it and I would leave.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I too would be devastated if my SO did that and then told me about how good it felt to be pursued by someone else.

Who chats with someone from high school whom they haven't seen for years and reminisces about kissing? If I crossed paths an old boyfriend from high school or even college at a reunion, since I'm in a committed relationship, I would not talk about kissing but would keep it superficial and nice and short, and then go find a girlfriend to talk with. I think that there is more to her story. Either it went farther, or they are making plans for the future.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

This is your fiancé of 3 years ago who didn't want to have sex with you, for whom you did everything at home especially during babies being born, and who asked you to get your sh!t together with respect to organising a marriage.

She now wants to have sex and is kind of given up on being married to you ?

And even tells you about what is happening as a result.

What do you think she is trying to tell you? As others have asked, was she telling you as an act of remorse or just laughing about it?


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

Coachme said:


> It sounds like you really love your fiancé and want to be with her and grow from this experience. She did the right thing to tell you what she could remember and what she was thinking at the time. You may not have wanted to hear what she had to say, but it does give you some insight into what she likes and what she responds too. So instead of focusing on what happened, you could focus on what you can do to bring those things to your relationship now. For instance, she mentioned that she liked the feeling of being wanted and desired, the feeling of attention and flirting. My guess is that with 10 years together and 2 kids, some sense of spontaneity, adventure, variety, passion, uncertainty and fun have lessened and need to be reignited.
> So you could focus on what you could do to bring these things back to your everyday life. It sounds like her need for variety is very high at the moment and you can meet this. You know her well, you know what she likes and what you have had fun doing with her in the past.
> I think that her behaviour could be a cry to you for variety and spontaneity and she wants you to step up and help to meet this need for her.


This is absolute horsesh1t. 

I can't believe anyone would think this.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

As a man who was married to the female attention seeker and flirt I can assure you one thing, you don't want what is coming. Don't marry this woman. Get out of this relationship ASAP


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

Get out of this relationship quick. Too much disrespect going on. If you're in a long term relationship and flirt, the relationship is over.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

alltoohard said:


> Last weekend my fiancé (together 10yrs with two kids) went to her 20yr high school reunion. At an after party she got chatting to an old flame who she had hooked up with some 20 or so years ago. Many drinks later they were reminiscing about their previous hook up (kissing, no sex) and got to chatting about how they still found each other attractive. Along with lots of flirting she said that if their situations were different they would be having sex by now. He mentioned that it didn’t matter to him and he would like to. She says that she was loving the attention and was definitely encouraging it by flirting and kept saying “if things were different...”
> 
> Later on he walked her to a taxi (they were holding hands), once they stopped he came in for a kiss and she pushed him away, twice. Apparently he was also rubbing her bum (her recount is a bit foggy due to the alcohol) and he also tried to touch her ‘down there’ through her dress. She again pushed him away.
> 
> ...


Run buddy. Just run. Understand that the "if things were different" will start to be your fiances catch phrase for any guy that looks her way. Do not buy into this nonsense. Find a woman who has enough respect for you not to think, "if things were different."


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