# It does not matter how much you love someone



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

You can't make them love you back! You can't change them! Sometimes love sucks because you love someone who doesn't love you back the way you deserve to be loved and then you end up going on these maniac rants because you are so frustrated and you just want to fvcking scream at the top of your fvcking lungs, and then you cry, and then you cry some more, and you end up looking very, very pathetic because you stood by that loser even after all he put you through, then suddenly it's not him whose the dumb one but it's you instead. You become the dumbfvck who stayed with him when you could have walked away but you didn't because stupid love thought it could be enough. Well, stupid love isn't enough. It's not even close to being enough. Stupid love, is just that; stupid. Love doesn't save you from the pain. Love doesn't save you from the torment that comes with the affair, noooooo, instead love blinds you. Love makes you think awhole buncha stupid crazy ass sh*t. You can't save anything with love. It does not matter how much attention you give him, it does not matter how much you suck his d*ck for him, you're just a bish on your knees to him. You're worthless, you're nothing, you're not even human. You never mattered. You never mattered to him, you never mattered at all.......
I am so sorry. I needed that vent. God, I don't know why but today I have been such a wreck. I've cried and I've cried all day today. I've been in such pain. All the years of the abuse are coming out of the walls at me. Everything I ever swept under the rug and never dealt with are haunting me. I hate him. I hate him so much but I hate myself too for staying with him, I hate myself for thinking I could just love him into loving me. I feel so stupid.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No prob girl. Go ahead and vent, thats why were here.

Love your self 1st, f*ck the rest of them...


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Don't hate yourself Apple, and please don't think yourself stupid. If that were the case then the majority of us here are also stupid. 
Vent by all means. 
Rant away to your hearts content.
But don't hold the behaviour of a seperate sentient being against yourself. 

Take care and beware of asshats

N-B


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

Dang woman.....get yourself some counceling....this is serious stuff here.......don't mean to offend you....just sounds like you need to talk to someone who can help you put things in the proper prospective....Yes I know how it sucks...but love is beautiful and kind and don't beat yourself up for giving your all to some idiot who was a fool......hang in there woman


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## KatiezMomma (Nov 17, 2011)

I am right there with you today Apple, if I didn't live in Canada and you in Iowa I would bring over a bottle of wine. My WH is out on a date with his AP as we speak and I sit thinking how much I love him. So messed up  But you knew great love once, you will again I am sure.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

((((hug)))) You're on your way to really healing. This seems like hell, but...it's very good.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Apple, sorry.

By the end, when I discovered the cheating, my love was already gone. My XW was such an abusive ***** that she killed it over the years. Still sucked to be cheated on.
But, I must be honest, I hated my XW by the end and she did me a big favor with the "get out of jail free" card infidelity provides.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Thanks all. I don't feel so bad today. I guess I was just having a day yesterday. I think the bitter bug bit me. Tis the season for joyful Christmas commercials on tv with happy little families and romantic, caring husbands who do nice things for their wives. And it was this time last year that my husband was banging 2 different skuzzies. In 15 years of marriage, he did not buy me a Christmas present but last Christmas he brought the Skankasaurus Wrecks a gift. How fvcked up is that! I see these happy holiday commercials and all I see is my husband off banging a skuzzy.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Apple, I wonder how many of us who are betrayed like this, actually love our spouses by the end, when we discover the infidelity. Your mentioning that he never bought you a present makes me wonder whether he was a jerk for a long time.
I had to come to terms with the fact that, for me, it was not the fact that I was losing someone I loved that bothered me so mcuh. It was a lot of other things, like waht an a-hole she had been to me for a long time and how she was now walking away, scott free, with my kids in tow and $2500 a month in support.
So, was your H an ass even before all this?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Apple, I wonder how many of us who are betrayed like this, actually love our spouses by the end, when we discover the infidelity. Your mentioning that he never bought you a present makes me wonder whether he was a jerk for a long time.
> I had to come to terms with the fact that, for me, it was not the fact that I was losing someone I loved that bothered me so mcuh. It was a lot of other things, like waht an a-hole she had been to me for a long time and how she was now walking away, scott free, with my kids in tow and $2500 a month in support.
> So, was your H an ass even before all this?


Yeah, he was, and I knew he was, but I married him anyways. I married him because I was pregnant, so I believed it was the right thing to do. I married him thinking that marriage would settle him down and I married him because I was just 20 years old and soooo in love. (besides there is no way to convince a 20 yr old girl that the man she loves is no good) He was cheating on me from the get-go, he even slept with his ex GF the night before we were married and he continued sleeping with her plus a variety of other women for the next 6 years. I saw the signs, yes, but I always looked the other way. I was also always made to feel wrong about everything to. He made me feel so guilty for ever questioning his behavior. He'd stumble home drunk at 3 am and when I asked where'd he been, he'd ignore me then pass out. By morning when I tried to ask again, he'd accuse of me being selfish mistrusting bish and how I should be more considerate of his feelings and he works, and I stay home, so if he wants to have a drink or two to relax after work, then he should have that right. Anything I did, was wrong in his eyes. If we went out to eat, and the restaurant cooked his food wrong, it'd be my fault for not being smart enough to pick out a place to eat. I'm not kidding or over exaggerating when I say he never brought me a Christmas present or birthday present. His excuse was always that "I spent all of his money" he blamed me for everything. Now mind you, I was only given about $200 out of his take home pay to buy groceries with and he had control of the rest. I was not allowed access to bank accounts or credit cards. He'd freak out on me if I needed $3 extra dollars because we ran out of milk. I'd hear lectures on how I could not properly prepare for anything. Anyways, so I would save money throughout the year so I could buy him and the kids things for Christmas but I never got anything. I thought the harder I worked to please him, he would come to love me. Instead the only thing I became was an empty shell. It was devastating to learn that not only did he buy the skankasaurus a Christmas present but he also got her a birthday present since her bday and Christmas are close (and my birthday is in January, so not that far from Christmas either but I got nothing for either. He didn't go buy his own kids a gift, he left that up to me.) 
I kick myself a lot for staying with him, for trying to please him. I beat myself up a lot for having such high hopes in something that was hopeless. I wanted so badly for him to love me. I wanted so badly for him to want me the way I wanted him. Someone mentioned in another thread to another user about them creating an illusion of what they wanted their spouse to be, and that's what I did. I was also very committed to my vows. I was raised as a Christian Conservative so marriage was for life. I had to be "submissive" like the Bible said. I never realized that I took that way out of context.
Yeah, he was a jerk the whole time but I was the stupid one who still married him. I guess that makes it my own fault. Do I love him still? No. Not at all, but the pain is still there.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Much the same for me, Apple. I do not miss my XW at all. In fact, my life is peaceful for the first time in a long time.
When you are married to one of these disordered types, it destroys your sense of reality and your self esteem. And, it is so insidious, you do not even know it is happening. You just feel lonely, exhausted and afraid of the next big raging attack.

I think folks want their marriages to work so badly, even though it is impossible wit a NPD or BPD or ASPD, that they just go into denial.
You mayfind this occurring now that you are getting out:folks will come forward, now, folks who remained silent for fear of interferring. And, they will tell you that they always percieved your spouse as an abusiv a-hole.
I have been through this in two marriages(so, obviously, I have some issues in terms of who I select). In both marriages, multiple members of my XWs' own families, have come to me and congratulated me for getting out. Thye have told me that my XWs were always like this and were always disonest and abusive. Thye refrained from saying ant=ything ion the hope that they had changed.
You may well get this type of feedback, if not from his family, then from mutual acquaintences.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

Apple, believe me,you and I are going thru the same thing. I have read your threads and read your posts and you are saying the very words that are in my mouth but I am a man and for me to say and express that would only get people to snarl their nose at me I think. Well,thats the way I see it,maybe I am wrong,don't know if they would.
I responded here to just say this...I think that you may have to do what I have come to the conclusion to do. You want a true man that doesn't lie to you. You must bring yourself to the place of moving on and start looking for that man to be able to get over the one that has hurt you so bad. I have come to this conclusion for myself. It is very difficult to do. I wanted with my heart and soul to make this work and last forever but she doesn't and neither does your man want that it appears to me.
It actually hurts me to think of another woman to get a relationship going with and to love. Maybe you feel like me,that I may be 'damaged goods' that may never trust a woman again. But that is not true. There are some good people out there and you and I both deserve to find them. Please girl,don't keep doing as I have done for 38 years and beat yourself to death over what your spouse has done. I realize that I MUST,I HAVE TO MAKE MYSELF MOVE ON AND FIND ANOTHER LOVE THOUGH I AM RELUCTANT TO,THAT IS WHAT MY LIFE IS LACKING,,,SOMEONE TO CARE FOR ME.
Apple,no one knows all the details about your relationship with your man but you so much strike me as a woman that needs a good man to love and that loves you and is faithful to you to be a complete person.
My court date is in two weeks...I must let her go as hellish and tormenting as it seems,and though my administrators in my support group say to not start an affair right now,I think that is the ONLY thing that will get me thru this because of the awful depression and total hell I am going thru.
Get up girl! Make yourself get over him and find you a man soon as possible that likes you for good and decent reasons and not just for sex or anything temporary. I thought today about how I wish I had a friend that would kick me in the arse and make me get out of my 'feeling sorry for myself and trying to hold on to this cheating and lieing woman'. I will find another and you may need to do the same to get over your hellish hurt.
You can find another to help and not feel guilty,,look at what he has done! Just,lets not let our heart be stolen by that other untill we are out of this hell because we are in a vulnerable place right now you know.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

*hugs Apple* you're free of him now, sweetie. The hardest part is being free of your pain... It's going to take some time to heal, and there's no shame in venting. When he's old and alone he remember you, and all he gave up for his temporary thrills. He's the one who lost, not you!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

Now I want to second YinPrincess!! :iagree::iagree:



AppleDucklings said:


> ... I saw the signs, yes, but I always looked the other way. I was also always made to feel wrong about everything to. He made me feel so guilty for ever questioning his behavior. ...
> 
> Yeah, he was a jerk the whole time but I was the stupid one who still married him. I guess that makes it my own fault. Do I love him still? No. Not at all, but the pain is still there.


I haven't exactly been there but I've certainly been in the province...

SOO sorry for you and your pain but in the end, I promise, you will be stronger for it. 

Have you been to IC?


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> *hugs Apple* you're free of him now, sweetie. The hardest part is being free of your pain... It's going to take some time to heal, and there's no shame in venting. When he's old and alone he remember you, and all he gave up for his temporary thrills. He's the one who lost, not you!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Excellant point! YIN you have to much wisdom to be the young girl in your avatar. Well,maybe,unless you are Asian?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Bartimaus said:


> Apple, believe me,you and I are going thru the same thing. I have read your threads and read your posts and you are saying the very words that are in my mouth but I am a man and for me to say and express that would only get people to snarl their nose at me I think. Well,thats the way I see it,maybe I am wrong,don't know if they would.
> I responded here to just say this...I think that you may have to do what I have come to the conclusion to do. You want a true man that doesn't lie to you. You must bring yourself to the place of moving on and start looking for that man to be able to get over the one that has hurt you so bad. I have come to this conclusion for myself. It is very difficult to do. I wanted with my heart and soul to make this work and last forever but she doesn't and neither does your man want that it appears to me.
> It actually hurts me to think of another woman to get a relationship going with and to love. Maybe you feel like me,that I may be 'damaged goods' that may never trust a woman again. But that is not true. There are some good people out there and you and I both deserve to find them. Please girl,don't keep doing as I have done for 38 years and beat yourself to death over what your spouse has done. I realize that I MUST,I HAVE TO MAKE MYSELF MOVE ON AND FIND ANOTHER LOVE THOUGH I AM RELUCTANT TO,THAT IS WHAT MY LIFE IS LACKING,,,SOMEONE TO CARE FOR ME.
> Apple,no one knows all the details about your relationship with your man but you so much strike me as a woman that needs a good man to love and that loves you and is faithful to you to be a complete person.
> ...


Thank you for your words. I am now divorced from Asshat. It's been almost 6 months now, and I am dating someone. He's a great guy who makes me laugh, he's got a lot going for him. He's stable, he's secure, he's self sufficient, no ex-wife baggage, no kid baggage (he has one ex wife but divorced for 17 years now and one adult son) He has a good job, he keeps in daily contact with me although I only see him maybe once a week. We live 45 minutes apart and I work days while he works 3rds. We've been dating a month now, it's not official-official yet, still in that early dating stage. Still, I do have a lot of hesitance about things. I enjoy his company, I love talking to him, and we do talk for hours (which is a huge bonus for me because Asshat would never take the time to talk to me) and the sex is great too. It's nice to have someone but I will not allow myself to fall for him. I will keep him just at arm's length. This way I can enjoy his company but if he leaves, I'm not going to be heart-broken. If you love someone, you give them permission to hurt you. Nope. Not gonna happen anymore. I will simply enjoy someone's company but that love crap has beat me up enough.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> *hugs Apple* you're free of him now, sweetie. The hardest part is being free of your pain... It's going to take some time to heal, and there's no shame in venting. When he's old and alone he remember you, and all he gave up for his temporary thrills. He's the one who lost, not you!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. I do hope for the day I am off and happily married to a husband who actually loves me and he's all alone with no teeth.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> Thank you for your words. I am now divorced from Asshat. It's been almost 6 months now, and I am dating someone. He's a great guy who makes me laugh, he's got a lot going for him. He's stable, he's secure, he's self sufficient, no ex-wife baggage, no kid baggage (he has one ex wife but divorced for 17 years now and one adult son) He has a good job, he keeps in daily contact with me although I only see him maybe once a week. We live 45 minutes apart and I work days while he works 3rds. We've been dating a month now, it's not official-official yet, still in that early dating stage. Still, I do have a lot of hesitance about things. I enjoy his company, I love talking to him, and we do talk for hours (which is a huge bonus for me because Asshat would never take the time to talk to me) and the sex is great too. It's nice to have someone but I will not allow myself to fall for him. I will keep him just at arm's length. This way I can enjoy his company but if he leaves, I'm not going to be heart-broken. If you love someone, you give them permission to hurt you. Nope. Not gonna happen anymore. I will simply enjoy someone's company but that love crap has beat me up enough.


Well for a moment I was happy for you but...it seems to me that you might be using him as 'temporary' support and it is NOT working really! Girl,an affair or a man for only companionship is not enough for you! This very quote of your words told me that. Sweetie,don't mean anything mean here,but you are running and hiding. The dude you are seeing just ain't getting it for you..can't you see this?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Bartimaus said:


> Well for a moment I was happy for you but...it seems to me that you might be using him as 'temporary' support and it is NOT working really! Girl,an affair or a man for only companionship is not enough for you! This very quote of your words told me that. Sweetie,don't mean anything mean here,but you are running and hiding. The dude you are seeing just ain't getting it for you..can't you see this?


what do you mean "he's not getting it for me?"


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## Oregon38 (Sep 19, 2010)

Just a note about the love thing, Apple...

It is much better to have been able to love somebody from the bottom of your heart than never having had that experience at all.

A lot of people would be jealous of your ability because that makes you a true human being and it sets you apart from others like your ex. You can be proud of that and you shouldn't beat yourself up for it.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> what do you mean "he's not getting it for me?"


Because I am going thru the same pain as you and therefore I understand you.
I could have a dozen women and none of them,despite the sexual gratification,DESPITE THE CARE,despite the future they want to have with me and what they would tell me even if they were Miss Universe and would fall head over heels for me,ha,ha,ha,,SO WHAT PRETTY AND CHARMING PRIZES! 
Apple...your heart and my heart doesn't give a rats arse about that stupiditty does it? GIRL...I do believe from your very own words,like me,your very soul is committed to the spouse that we thought was the ANSWER,maybe that even God provided,and that was our gift of life in this world,but they no longer want nor need us. Maybe I am goinjg over board in your opinion here but I seriously think that you might be looking for something deeper and greater than what you have and just maybe,we have that someone in our view but don't see or understand our very selves yet? Apple,girl,if I find her,I sure wouldn't be having to hang on to my 15 days from now court date ex that made me like this. All I would be talking about would be my better life ahead and how that FINALLY...God has blessed me with a woman that I deserve.
Oh,of all the threads I have read in my short time on here,do I hope for you and wish you to find the man that you want and need. Because I want to find that woman,I wish you to find that man. Maybe we are kindred spirits and I see my hurt in your hurt,but no one deserves the pain we have!


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> Thank you for your words. I am now divorced from Asshat. It's been almost 6 months now, and I am dating someone. He's a great guy who makes me laugh, he's got a lot going for him. He's stable, he's secure, he's self sufficient, no ex-wife baggage, no kid baggage (he has one ex wife but divorced for 17 years now and one adult son) He has a good job, he keeps in daily contact with me although I only see him maybe once a week. We live 45 minutes apart and I work days while he works 3rds. We've been dating a month now, it's not official-official yet, still in that early dating stage. Still, I do have a lot of hesitance about things. I enjoy his company, I love talking to him, and we do talk for hours (which is a huge bonus for me because Asshat would never take the time to talk to me) and the sex is great too. It's nice to have someone but I will not allow myself to fall for him. I will keep him just at arm's length. This way I can enjoy his company but if he leaves, I'm not going to be heart-broken. If you love someone, you give them permission to hurt you. Nope. Not gonna happen anymore. I will simply enjoy someone's company but that love crap has beat me up enough.


Apple. Some confusious talk for you.....

A closed door does not only keep out the darkness, but also the light.

Don't be this person. Don't let your a$$hat ex turn you into this.....don't let him continually have this power over your life. If you do, this will be the greatest tragedy in your entire life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

apple: Betrayal and continuous abuse is heart breaking. But adultery is the deal breaker. I don't care how much work and forgiveness is involved, once that occurs trust is broken.

It's perfectly normal to be angry but I was angry at ex not his partner. Now I'm beginning to feel differently like he has a huge problem with dealing in reality and is so scared of real life.

I think karma is visiting this person, finally.

Somebody recently said hurt people hurt people. That is what ex did to me and continues to. Now I'm not buying it I was not the one that broke the bond.

Hang in there, vent all you want. You are safe here. And good for you that you have found companionship.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Bartimaus said:


> Excellant point! YIN you have to much wisdom to be the young girl in your avatar. Well,maybe,unless you are Asian?


LoL Actually, I'm second generation German-American! BUT, for the little bit of time I've been on this Earth, I've been through and seen a lot. (Independent since 16 - half my life  ). And I also have an @$$hat ex very similar to Apple's... So, I've been there and done that!

It's easy to tell someone that men like that aren't worth your tears, but what people don't often realize is, the tears aren't for him, they're for YOU. Your ego, your esteem, your sense of worth are all deeply cut when we become enmeshed with someone like that, and part of that pain is the awareness that you let it happen to YOURSELF! It's hard to trust oneself after having our own poor judgment slapping us in the face. Oh, I spent a good long time pining over my ex. He was great is so many ways, and yet so terrible at the same time. I'm glad I had the experience of being with him, because it made me stronger... There was just a lot of weakness, hurt and confusion along the way.

Apple, if this guy you're seeing is someone who is helping you see all the wonderful, attractive, beautiful things about yourself, then it is good for you to restore your self-esteem. However, one or both of you could be hurt because you haven't given yourself the time to heal and grieve properly... Tread lightly sweetie. *hugs*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> Thank you. I do hope for the day I am off and happily married to a husband who actually loves me and he's all alone with no teeth.


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

You keep that mental picture in your head and you'll be just fine! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Bartimaus said:


> Because I am going thru the same pain as you and therefore I understand you.
> I could have a dozen women and none of them,despite the sexual gratification,DESPITE THE CARE,despite the future they want to have with me and what they would tell me even if they were Miss Universe and would fall head over heels for me,ha,ha,ha,,SO WHAT PRETTY AND CHARMING PRIZES!
> Apple...your heart and my heart doesn't give a rats arse about that stupiditty does it? GIRL...I do believe from your very own words,like me,your very soul is committed to the spouse that we thought was the ANSWER,maybe that even God provided,and that was our gift of life in this world,but they no longer want nor need us. Maybe I am goinjg over board in your opinion here but I seriously think that you might be looking for something deeper and greater than what you have and just maybe,we have that someone in our view but don't see or understand our very selves yet? Apple,girl,if I find her,I sure wouldn't be having to hang on to my 15 days from now court date ex that made me like this. All I would be talking about would be my better life ahead and how that FINALLY...God has blessed me with a woman that I deserve.
> Oh,of all the threads I have read in my short time on here,do I hope for you and wish you to find the man that you want and need. Because I want to find that woman,I wish you to find that man. Maybe we are kindred spirits and I see my hurt in your hurt,but no one deserves the pain we have!


Thanks Bartimus. This "real love" is something I have wanted for as long as I can remember, going back to my childhood. I wanted someone who would love me, and I could be theirs, and they would be so proud to have me. I made promises to God to be the best wife possible when I got a husband; so when I did get a husband, I not only held fast to my promise to God but also to my vows to my husband. I strived to be that Proverbs 31 wife to him. My marriage meant everything to me, and I invested my all into it. Though I still believe in God, my faith is not what it used to be because in spite of what I did to be a loving, respectful wife, I was only rewarded with abuse and infidelity. 
I am searching for something. I thought I had it when I was married because after all, marriage is forever, right? So all my efforts were invested into the marriage. My husband was a very lucky man. He had a wife who adored him, he had a wife who was devoted to him, he had a wife who was loyal and faithful. He had a wife who loved him more than anything. Was I perfect? No. I was not. But, I did not deserve what I got. Why did he throw me away? Why was I not enough? Why did I never matter?
So, back to that searching for something thing. I'm searching for that real love or at least I was. Now, I'm not so convinced it's out there for me anymore. I don't want to give up just yet but the flame of hope isn't burning too brightly anymore. Yes, I have a new guy but we've only been dating a month now. It's still too early to say if it's going any where. I do like him, he makes me laugh. He's a lot of fun. I am afraid of allowing myself to love him if things were to get serious. Though I think he's probably afraid too. He has not had a serious relationship in 10 years now. He told me that it's been 10 years since he's even slept in the same bed next a woman. Yeah, he has dated but nothing has ever worked out for him, so he's probably not holding high hopes for us either based on his past history. I'd just rather enjoy his company than to be in love right now.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Apple..
i think that you have found a fine man who treats you right. Just that is enough for now. There is nothing wrong with distracting yourself a bit. Who wants to live in all that pain all that time. Also, sex is great isn't it

I get bitter sometimes too. Then I look at my life now. I look at the kids and how they see me. I look at the world through my new fresh eyes and you know what., even with all the pain, it is better. My oldest likes the new me.

We never get a chance at that clean clear love again. It is always tempered by the knowledge of the pain that can come with it. I don't think this is a bad thing. It is a mature relationship that acknowledges that love is so very fragile and needs to be protected. 
There is a sadness with that.

There should also be self realization in that some of us invested way too much of ourselves in the other person, at our own expense. It is the flip side of loving and living with a narcissistic $assat . We have to unlearn that!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Apple--- your thread is right on. Love is not enough.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

ing said:


> Apple..
> i think that you have found a fine man who treats you right. Just that is enough for now. There is nothing wrong with distracting yourself a bit. Who wants to live in all that pain all that time. Also, sex is great isn't it
> 
> I get bitter sometimes too. Then I look at my life now. I look at the kids and how they see me. I look at the world through my new fresh eyes and you know what., even with all the pain, it is better. My oldest likes the new me.
> ...


Thanks ing. You've become one of my closest friends here and I always appreciate what you have to say. He is a great guy who treats me right. (I am not used to being treated right, so in a way, I don't even know how to properly accept the kindness) I may not get to see him very often but we do talk everyday. He's so funny! He makes me laugh like no one ever has. It's a very strange feeling how someone I see only once a week makes time for me while someone I actually lived with couldn't give me 5 minutes of time.

And yes, love is a very fragile thing. I could very much see myself falling for this guy but I keep myself a step back from that. I'm still not sure what he actually wants for us relationship-wise. I already have a big enough fear of rejection so no way am I going to ask him!

Yes, it is much better than living with Asshat, and yes, sex is great


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Apple--- your thread is right on. Love is not enough.


a very hard lesson to learn, JellyB


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Apple my situation was different than yours and Jelly's. My ex-wife had been a wonderful wife, very loving and caring. Nowhere in my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined that she had carried a double life. Even during the year of her sexual affair, our life had been full of love and lust for each other. And then I found that devastating video of her and the OM engaging in all sorts of sexual acts. To say that I was blindsided is an understatement of cosmic proportions.

Despite my ex-wife's hysterical pleas for forgiveness on her hands and knees, I could not bear to see her on a daily basis without going into a tailspin of despair. I made the excruciating painful decision to divorce her.

I agree with you that love is not enough for a marriage to continue after an affair. It takes trust and if that can't be restored, then the best thing to do is divorce and move on.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

I sooo empathize. Feeling something very similar today, myself. Trying to get out of denial that my relationship was abusive and my WH, who I love very much, is choosing not to be a good man, but a selfish, vain, violent pr**k at this time. Your rant rings true to me, too. Sometimes, people just suck. You didn't do anything to deserve his mistreatment of you. Even though it feels really awful to lose your faith in love, sometimes it helps to remember that love's not the only thing in the world, even though it is the loss you are most acutely feeling right now...there is art and adventure and shopping and theatre and books and other stuff that sometimes fills you with good feelings, too. Sometimes, it helps after ranting to do something that takes your mind away from the intensity of the feelings. It really is miserable to know that the other person isn't being honest. A deception at such an intimate level tends to wound deeply.  Anyway, just saying, you're not alone. Don't be afraid to vent; it helps others to hear it and it helps you to get it out of your heart.


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