# no longer attracted to my wife.



## freedomf2012 (Sep 6, 2015)

We have been married for 21 years this coming November. We have one son that is sixteen. When we got married she wore a size 8 and I was a size 32. No she is wearing a size 18 and I am at a size 34. I have asked politely on and off for the last ten years for her to loose some weight and instead of loosing she has gained. I have never called her fat and will never do that. Every time I try to bring it up she just stops eating for a while and says I guess you just want me to starve myself so I can be skinny. I don't expect her to be skinny or even back to a a size 8. I would be happy with a size 12. I feel like I am trapped and have no way out. It has started to affect my health in a lot of different ways. Now when I try to talk to her about it she just tells me her weight shouldn't matter. Please give me some advice I am desperate.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Looks shouldn't matter. Weight matters tremendously! It makes a HUGE difference in health, and in what you can do. If you want a partner who can go on hikes and bike rides with you, if you want to spend the night dancing, if you want to live to a ripe old age with your partner, you need someone who can keep up.

Tell her it isn't about her weight, it's about her health, and the things you do together and how long you will be able to do them.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Looks and weight do matter, not to look like a 20 yr old, photo shopped supermodel but to look the best each individual can. A few kilos over time is OK but if you are talking about a US size 18 that is the equivalent to an Aussie size 22 and that is seriously obese, how does a person get back to a normal weight from such a place? 
She needs some serious intervention and perhaps you are not the person to help her, she no doubt knows the hell hole she is in. Would she see a counsellor, Dr or other professional?

As for you, such a difficult spot you are in, I would not be able to keep my attraction if my partner got fat, it is not an attractive look at all. Would you divorce over this?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I hear ya, I'm in a similar boat.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> I feel like I am trapped and have no way out.


You probably are until your son is 18. 

In order to accomplish it, she is going to have to seriously WANT to lose the weight, for her, not for you, not for anyone else. If she doesn't, there's not a thing in this world that you can do to change her.

Knowing that you're not attracted to her probably demoralizes her, too, serving as a huge negative instead of positive encouragement. Don't get me wrong, it's HER decision, not yours, you have no "fault" in it, but if you can manage to compliment her and praise her, even for other attributes, it helps her to see "light at the end of the tunnel".


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I want to add also that an overweight spouse limits what you can do sexually.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Love and attraction are two different things. The weight shouldn't matter where your love is concerned but of course it will impact your attraction.

I honestly don't know the answer to this as women are very sensitive and feeling demoralized makes weight loss much tougher, but you do need gently tell her that you lover her, think she's beautiful, but are having a hard time being attracted to the weight. 

I submit that her letting herself go and telling you that it shouldn't matter doesn't demonstrat love for you. 

And remember that encourage her if she tries and acknowledge every little bit of progress she makes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

One thing you can tell her and understand, she can no more starve herself to thinness than she would ever be able to over exercise bad diet choices. Having said that, there really is little you can do affect a permanent change in her unless she wants to do it for herself. So even gentle prodding will do little to change her attitude unless she is ready to change. I think the best you can do is ask her if she would prefer to live unhealthy. If she does not wish to change, I don't know that there is much you can do. 

However, taking lots of pics of her and and the family and posting them "innocently" on a social media site, like FB, may sound cruel but I can tell you something similar motivated me. I felt horrible, I knew I was overweight and made all forms of justification for my bad choices. Years ago I perused through some photos and could hardly recognize myself. I totally stopped drinking, we as a family made better eating choices (collectively). I started slow, but I got on a regular exercise program. I have more energy now, feel better and just love life more now at almost 55 than I did at 44. However, I did it for me and I keep on planning to do it for me. Yes, my wife likes the payoff, but it has to be self motivation first. 

I wish the best for you folks.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Your wife is wrong, but she is like many who feel that weight should not matter. It may not matter for the love partners feel for each other but it affects the chemistry and attraction. It's how it is. How do you let your wife know? What would happen if you challenged her belief that her weight does not matter? 

I don't know how to motivate a person who does not want to stay within a healthy weight range. She does not have to starve herself, just select the right food. A low glycemic index diet eliminates some high carb items but includes many others. "The Glycemic-Load Diet: A powerful new program for losing weight and reversing insulin resistance" by Rob Thompson. It's not a diet really, it's just a way of eating that allows a wide selection of foods while eliminating others. It may take weaning herself from concentrated sugar food but once you get into the habit of eliminating them, it's much easier. 

Walking is an excellent exercise. It allows a person to build slowly to peak performance. If she finds the gym boring, she can take every opportunity to walk instead of taking a car or public transportation. 

Motivation is the key, she has to feel there is something in it for her. I am vain so it's not a stretch for me. She sounds more virtuous than me so what is it?


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## freedomf2012 (Sep 6, 2015)

I have done all I now how to do. She tells me that she doesn't have time to exercise but spends most of her time playing games on her cell phone. That was one of big mistakes getting her a smart phone. About 8 years ago she wanted a tread mill, so I bought her one. Never gets used. I have watched several of my so called friends on facebook get divorced over the years and all of the women start to talk about losing weight and they all have. Then they brag about how they look and how much weight they have lost. Why could they not do that while they were married.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well exercise if a funny thing that way, if it's not a priority to you then you probably don't have time for it. Time doesn't magically present itself, you have to prioritize it.

Your wife, like everyone else, has time for what's important to her. 

To answer your question of why these women lost weight after getting divorced, there's 2 reasons for that

1. They likely weren't that into their husbands.
2. They know they have to lose weight to attract a partner they want.

Sucks but likely true.


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

Point #1: Losing weight is hard. It's damn hard. Humans are biologically programmed to store fat. We do it exceptionally well. It's helped us survive. You can't just say "hey, honey, lose 20 pounds, will ya?" and expect it to magically happen.

Point #2: You're telling your wife to lose weight, but it sounds like you've packed on a few extra pounds yourself. It's not fair for you to hold her to one standard but not yourself. Wouldn't your requests be more productive if you BOTH joined a weight loss program and worked on getting healthier TOGETHER?

Point #3: Size 18 isn't a monstrous whale. Marilyn Monroe was a size 16, and she was a sex goddess. You could do far worse. Count your blessings. My ex-wife was maybe 250-300 pounds. Just sayin'.


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## osphewr (Sep 7, 2015)

The weight shouldn't matter where your love is concerned but of course it will impact your attraction.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

freedomf2012 said:


> We have been married for 21 years this coming November. We have one son that is sixteen. When we got married she wore a size 8 and I was a size 32. No she is wearing a size 18 and I am at a size 34. I have asked politely on and off for the last ten years for her to loose some weight and instead of loosing she has gained. I have never called her fat and will never do that. Every time I try to bring it up she just stops eating for a while and says I guess you just want me to starve myself so I can be skinny. I don't expect her to be skinny or even back to a a size 8. I would be happy with a size 12. I feel like I am trapped and have no way out. It has started to affect my health in a lot of different ways. Now when I try to talk to her about it she just tells me her weight shouldn't matter. Please give me some advice I am desperate.


Size 18 is overweight and i know because i have been there, I have also been a size 12... never been a size 8 tho that is skinny, I do not think i would want to be that size either, because being overweight is of course unhealthy, but so is being underweight too.

The weight was not a problem for my husband, but it was for me, like i have said before if my husband had been bothered, then i would have done anything to please him just like i have done now, it was me who wanted to lose the weight, it was me who was unhappy, and it was only me that could do something about it just like its up to your wife to do something about it? Only she can do it, you cant do it for her.

I think you have done what you can, you've told her that your not happy with her, but its fallen on death ears you need to tell her and mean it, because unless she thinks you mean it and you make her understand how unhappy you are, then shes not gonna do anything about it?.

I would hate it if my husband was not attracted to me anymore, and i found out that he was not at all happy with the way i looked, my husband opinions mean everything to me.

I do not think you are being unreasonable by asking her to lose a little weight, like you said you do not expect her to be a size 8 again you just want her to lose a little..

When i was a size 18 my midwife at the time told me i was obese, and i was a high risk pregnancy because of weight and it was unhealthy.

I think all you can do is talk to her seriously about things and mean what you say,and how its affecting your relationship.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

freedomf2012 said:


> I have done all I now how to do. She tells me that she doesn't have time to exercise but spends most of her time playing games on her cell phone. That was one of big mistakes getting her a smart phone. About 8 years ago she wanted a tread mill, so I bought her one. Never gets used. I have watched several of my so called friends on facebook get divorced over the years and all of the women start to talk about losing weight and they all have. Then they brag about how they look and how much weight they have lost. Why could they not do that while they were married.


I never exercised, I just cut out huge sugar and fat content, smaller portions and cut out the all the crap food. I was lucky i never liked chocolate, nor cake HATE icing, crisps and junk food was my poison. I went from a English size 18 to a 12 in just over a year by doing just that. Its not hard you just have to wake up one morning and think this is it, today is the day i lose weight and stick to it. I think willpower is the key. Finding a diet and sticking to it.

I know people will say their bad, but i just have sweeteners now instead of sugar, and low fat everything once your used to it and you stick to it then it will be good. She will feel so much better about herself sometimes people just fall into ruts.

I have not felt better in years.

She needs a starting point and like i say willpower.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

A spouse's weight gain does affect attraction and attraction CAN affect love. I think it is totally unreasonable to expect a spouse to remain attracted when there is a significant weight gain.

I've been over weight and under weight, the clothes in my closet range from size 8-12 and some size 14 dresses that can't part with. I've never expected my husband to be attracted to the heavier me, frankly it's a surprise that he insists he was.

How has this affected your sex life? Does she want sex? Usually women shy away from sex when they are over weight because they don't like their body.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

freedomf2012 said:


> I have done all I now how to do. She tells me that she doesn't have time to exercise but spends most of her time playing games on her cell phone. That was one of big mistakes getting her a smart phone. About 8 years ago she wanted a tread mill, so I bought her one. Never gets used. I have watched several of my so called friends on facebook get divorced over the years and all of the women start to talk about losing weight and they all have. Then they brag about how they look and how much weight they have lost. Why could they not do that while they were married.


You know the answer to that. You just can't bring yourself to admit it to yourself, maybe.

People often magically become everything their spouses wanted after they get divorced. Why?

Because they have to, that's why. Whether that's pretending or improving, I dunno -- but they have to. To find someone. It's the sexual marketplace thing, right?

She doesn't have to do it right now while married to you, so laziness wins.

Tell her in no uncertain terms that even though you may love her you're no longer attracted to her. And that is a consequence of _her_ behaviour, not hers. And you're not going to own the conseqences of her behaviour any more.

And then go be gone a lot having a fit, healthy, and active lifestyle. Have a smile on your face as you leave her the hell alone.

She will join you or not, and that will be her choice.

And don't kid yourself buddy, I've seen people willfully turn a blind eye to their spouse cheating rather than get in shape. Simply because it's easier.


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

Your wife feels secure. She has no consideration for your attraction to her. She doesn't respect you or feel the need to please you by staying in an attractive state. You will have to destabilize the relationship and create a situation where it is very uncomfortable for her to maintain the status quo. You've tried subtlety. You've tried loving confrontation. Others have given suggestions at ways to help motivate her by suggesting walks and meal planning. Those things are nice if she's so inclined. She's not. It's not enough to get things moving. The only other option is nuclear. In this strategy you either fix things or blow them up. But you have to be fine with either. 

A past female boss of mine was going through some tough times. Her husband was having an emotional affair. Her FIRST response? Diet and exercise. Literally. She immediately went into scramble mode to be the most attractive mate she could be. How many women do you know that immediately upon entering the dating market (or usually before on their way out of a relationship) hit the gym and maximize their attractiveness? It's not a coincidence. They have no security. 

You were once a 32. Get back there. And then go even further to maximize your own physical appearance. Lift weights, get FIT. Also work on your charisma, positive attitude, ambition, etc. Basically be the best you can be. The idea is that you'll put pressure on your wife to try to match you, lest another woman snatch you from her. 

You didn't mention how your sex life was. If it's good/regular and she thinks you find her sexually attractive, then why change? Basically put pressure here too. Sex? Well, the garage is really messy. I better go remedy that first. I know, I know, easier said than done. 

Lead her. Show her a good example. Tell her you want to eat healthy. Go to the grocery store with her and pick out only heathy options. Refuse to eat garbage. If she asks to go to DQ, she can get the triple fudge Sunday. You get water. If she fixes some mega calorie meal, just pick at it. You don't like it, honey? No, I like it but it just has a lot of calories. Get an apple. She will stop fixing it and try to please you if she cares. 

Go on a fitness quest. Run races. Join a cult like crossfit (not really, unless you want to be injured). Join a league of some sort. Be active and make that a high priority. It will probably cut into your together time. But it is suddenly very important to you. And even better if it's something that she could join you in. But do it even if she doesn't. 

If she asks you what the hell you're doing just tell her that you want to be healthy. That you enjoy activity. Say nothing more. 

If she asks for help, be supportive. Cheer her on and celebrate her victories. Positively reinforce her improvements. Ignore her bad choices and never partake in them with her. Peer pressure is a *****. 

None of that works? Then you have a tough decision. It could come to an ultimatum if you've done everything to make it work and she simply won't do her part. 

For some reason if a man is overweight he is a lazy, piece of **** slob that needs to get his act together. But telling women the same is essentially a hate crime and may even damage their attraction to you. That's why pull is better than push.


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

marduk said:


> You know the answer to that. You just can't bring yourself to admit it to yourself, maybe.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Yes. This.


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## freedomf2012 (Sep 6, 2015)

A lot of the comments on here just confirm what I was already thinking. For the last two months there has been no sex and before then maybe once a month for the last six years. I work a lot of hours and when I am not home for supper my wife and son usually will go out to eat and go get ice cream and she always drinks soda. There are a lot of little things she could do to help loose a little weight. I am the type of person that doesn't ask for help and I feel that she should loose the weight because she wants to not because I asked. Every time I have asked, she tries to make me look like the bad guy. I am done asking, she knows it bothers me and she knows it's unhealthy. Thanks for the input.


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## Mike_O (Aug 3, 2011)

OP: 

You've been married 20+ years, are unhappy in the marriage and point to your wife's weight gain as the cause of your unhappiness - did I get that right? If so, you'll find lots of folks here with similar circumstances and plenty of advice too. You might want to look in the other forums here, not just the "sex in marriage" board.

I suspect your waning attraction is based on more than just weight gain. So, I recommend you identify exactly what you want in your relationship. Perhaps you want a partner who is productive, self-sufficient, confident and attentive to you and your son. When you see your obese spouse playing games on her phone she shows you that she does not have those qualities and that's a "turn-off" for you. Maybe she reminds you of a sick, unproductive, dependent friend or family member and you don't want to be her caretaker. It's important to remember that you are entitled to your own feelings, wants, likes and dislikes.

There's no quick fix here. I suggest you focus on improving yourself and being a good father to your son. If professional counseling is not an option then consider a few books by John Gottman and David Schnarch. Buy 2 copies and give 1 to your wife. Keep in mind that you are not powerless, you can change yourself but you cannot change her. Spouses often turn into roommates.

Good luck.

PS: Congrats on the 34" waist and healthy lifestyle!


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Also i have heard this saying by a few people " I have my man who am i trying to impress" Like a few people have said they get lazy start taking things for granted.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

OP, below is what I had posted in another thread a few months ago. Bottom line is your wife is happy/comfortable with her weight. She will not change until she wants to change. 



3 years ago my father was out hunting. Shot a deer and was pulling it out of the woods when he had a heart attack. He didn't have a cell phone on him and he was hunting alone. He pretty much crawled/staggered out of the woods. Got to his truck and drove himself to the hospital....he's a tough guy. He was in bad shape so the local hospital had him airlifted 60 miles to a special cardiac unit....he had some stents put in and was lucky to be alive.

I got to the hospital late that night. Talked to the Doc, he said he was lucky, really lucky.....once in a lifetime lucky. My father was 5'10" 275, Doc said he needed to drop the weight NOW! Change his eating habits and lifestyle or he wouldn't last 5 years.

My old man was upset, said he'd change, told all of us he was sorry for what he put us through......thanked god for the second chance. Today he's 5'10" and weighs......you guessed it 275!


My wife because of her weight has had back problems for the last probably 5 years. Has to go in for cortisone shots every once in a while. Her doctor told her she needs to lose weight.....she hasn't lost a pound and in fact has continued to gain weight.


Now both of these people who I dearly love don't have depression or mental ailments. They don't have underlying problems that prevent them from changing their lifestyle. My wife and father both know that their weight is endangering their health. 

I've tried the soft approach. I've tried the hard approach. I've even had the break down in tears in front of them approach. Guess what? Nothing has worked because they don't want to change.

All this hint hint wink wink beat around the bush talk is nonsense. Your wife knows she's fat. You can try everything in your power. Maybe god and devil will join hands with you and tell your wife she needs to lose weight. But NOTHING is going to happen until SHE wants to lose the weight. You need to come to this realization, some people are happy with the way they are. 

Your dilemma and what's eating you up is can you continue to live this way?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

freedomf2012 said:


> A lot of the comments on here just confirm what I was already thinking. For the last two months there has been no sex and before then maybe once a month for the last six years. I work a lot of hours and when I am not home for supper my wife and son usually will go out to eat and go get ice cream and she always drinks soda. There are a lot of little things she could do to help loose a little weight. I am the type of person that doesn't ask for help and I feel that she should loose the weight because she wants to not because I asked. Every time I have asked, she tries to make me look like the bad guy. I am done asking, she knows it bothers me and she knows it's unhealthy. Thanks for the input.


Get the book"His needs Her needs" By Dr. Harley.

Your situation so perfectly fits his book.

Ask your wife how she would feel if you stopped supporting her financially and she had to work to support you.

Seriously! Get that book!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

intheory said:


> Here's to vanity.:wink2:
> 
> *I read somewhere once (C.S. Lewis???) that vanity is not nearly as bad as pride. A vain person, after all, cares what other people think about them.*
> 
> Whereas, a proud person thinks they are just fine the way they are. Here's where the "you should love me no matter what" attitude comes from.


Interesting... I looked up this comment...  C.S. Lewis Sunday - Pride and Vanity



> "Pleasure in being praised is not Pride.
> 
> The child who is patted on the back for doing a lesson well, the woman whose beauty is praised by her love, the saved soul to whom Christ says 'Well done,' are pleased and ought to be. For here the pleasure lies not in what you are but in the fact that you have pleased someone you wanted (and rightly wanted) to please.
> 
> ...


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

freedomf2012 said:


> I have done all I now how to do. She tells me that she doesn't have time to exercise but spends most of her time playing games on her cell phone. That was one of big mistakes getting her a smart phone. About 8 years ago she wanted a tread mill, so I bought her one. Never gets used. I have watched several of my so called friends on facebook get divorced over the years and all of the women start to talk about losing weight and they all have. Then they brag about how they look and how much weight they have lost. Why could they not do that while they were married.


Just chiming in that the reason people lose weight when going through a divorce they didn't want is because we completely lose our appetites. Food doesn't taste good anymore. And our stomachs feel as is someone is repeatedly punching us in them.

The biggest I've ever gotten is a size 12, and while my BMI was still (barely) within the normal range because I'm 5'6", I looked matronly and definitely not my best.

When I caught my now ex husband cheating - strangely enough with a woman who probably is a size 18 - and we separated and filed for divorce, I lost 25 pounds. Like that. Not eating because you don't fecking feel like it will do that.

I just wanted to clear up that misconception that we suddenly care about our appearance and find some will power when we divorce. I had tried many diets and workouts over the years and the most I lost was 5 or 10 pounds that I'd put back on. Abject stress wins.

All this said, your wife is clinically obese, and as others have said, it's not only unattractive and disrespectful to you - it's unhealthy. Someone who overeats to that extreme is self-medicating something. She can't be that happy in the marriage if she's allowed herself to get and stay that big even though she knows it bothers you.

Part of my weight problem was I drank too much. My ex husband asked me to please cut down, if nothing else, for my health's sake, and that only made me want to drink more just to spite him. That's not love or respect. Eventually he left me, and then I quit drinking because I just couldn't stomach it anymore. That was the bass ackwards way to go about things, and I'll regret not cutting way down or quitting when he asked me to for the rest of my life.

I think you should get some marriage counseling to get to the heart of what she's so unhappy about that makes her want to eat her sadness away. If you care enough to save her and the marriage.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Quigster said:


> Point #1: Losing weight is hard. It's damn hard. Humans are biologically programmed to store fat. We do it exceptionally well. It's helped us survive.


We are only programmed to store fat when it is necessary for survival, like other animals.

We are also programmed to seek out healthy foods and be constantly active.

So it isn't our programming that makes us obese, it is our lifestyle. Once an unhealthy lifestyle takes hold, then yes we can quickly store lots of fat. But that's not how nature made us. We don't see other animals that are obese, except the ones who have been taken out of their natural environment by us, specifically, pets we over feed and under exercise. There's nothing natural about it.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Couldn't agree more with nomorebeans. It's called The Breakup Diet. Sucky, but effective. For me it had nothing to do with wanting to get another man. It was very painful and I just flat out didn't feel like eating.


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## Mike_O (Aug 3, 2011)

OP:

Just another suggestion. Sometimes it helps to fast forward and answer the question: Why did you get a divorce? Coming up with a good answer helps put things in perspective today...

"I divorced your mother because she was fat." Might need a bit more...

"I divorced your mother because over time I believe she lost her sense of purpose and she refused to address her problems. I did everything I could but I did not want to sacrifice my own happiness by staying married to her." Ah, that might work...


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## freedomf2012 (Sep 6, 2015)

The rest of the story is that my wife has two sisters and her mom that are over weight. Like I said my wife was a size 8 when we got married and she used to work out and try to stay in shape when we were dating. I have heard her mom say it more than once that your size doesn't matter. My wife comes from a very religious family. And there thoughts are for better or worse. Her oldest sister is going through a divorce right now. I know her weight is part of the problem.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sounds like you've got your answer OP. Tell your wife you're not in love with her and want a separation, then move out. Maybe, after she throws every vase in the house at your head, she will begin to wonder how she will ever get husband number 2 when she probably outweighs any candidate.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Say this to your kids...


"I left your mother because we wanted different things in life. I wanted an active life with someone healthy who would be healthy until we were well into out 80's. In sickness and in health doesn't mean you get to cross your fingers and hope you stay healthy, it mean you both work on staying as healthy as you can be."


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

freedomf2012 said:


> The rest of the story is that my wife has two sisters and her mom that are over weight. Like I said my wife was a size 8 when we got married and she used to work out and try to stay in shape when we were dating. I have heard her mom say it more than once that your size doesn't matter. My wife comes from a very religious family. And there thoughts are for better or worse. Her oldest sister is going through a divorce right now. I know her weight is part of the problem.


If she is from a religious background then the book I described is even more perfect.

Dr. Harley is a Christian.

I'm telling you it will hit her right between the eyes and very hard as well as empower your position.

If she thinks vows to love mean for life then ask her why she is breaking those vows.

Because she is. Do you feel loved?

I didn't think so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

Faithful Wife said:


> So it isn't our programming that makes us obese, it is our lifestyle. We don't see other animals that are obese....There's nothing natural about it.


Animals in the wild don't eat processed foods that are chock full of sugars and high-fructose corn syrup. So much of what we eat is completely unnatural and our bodies just don't know what to do with it. So we store it as fat.

I'm not excusing people who never get any kind of physical exercise or people who just sit in front of the TV and stuff their faces with potato chips all day. All I'm saying is this: We dislike excess fat because society says it's unsightly. Our bodies actually LOVE that excess fat because it represents valuable stored energy. Our bodies will not give that up easily. You and I know there's a McDonald's on every street corner in America and that most people aren't in any danger of starving to death. Storing fat so efficiently does not serve us well in modern day society. It sure made sense back in the day, though, when an early human might have to go days between meals.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Quigster said:


> Animals in the wild don't eat processed foods that are chock full of sugars and high-fructose corn syrup. So much of what we eat is completely unnatural and our bodies just don't know what to do with it. So we store it as fat.


Yes I know, this was my point. We are not naturally driven to seek such a diet. Our bodies naturally crave healthy foods in healthy amounts.

Our lifestyles introduce all this crap, not nature. Nature provides us the exact right types of foods in the right quantities...and can even do so even with the changes we've made to our diets by keeping food so that it can't spoil, and to be able to feed the masses. We only seek crap foods due to our lifestyle choices, but that is not what our bodies want us to do.

And our bodies would only want us to hold fat at times when we need to get through a lack of food, which there never is for most people in this country. Otherwise, our bodies do not want to carry extra fat, and neither does any other animal. Carrying fat means carrying weight which is an unnecessary energy expenditure.

I know I'm not saying anything you don't know, I was just commenting on what is natural about carrying fat.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Quigster said:


> We dislike excess fat because society says it's unsightly.


I actually don't pay much heed to what society says.

I have never felt attraction to a woman that was too overweight.

I haven't examined at what point I have no attraction. Probably when the female form starts disappearing under blubber.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

Freedomf2012-
A couple questions regarding your wife. Does she work outside the home? How much weight does she need to lose to have an acceptable appearance to you? Why do you think she eats? What is missing in her life that she is using food to compensate for? If you figure out why she eats, you will be able to address her weight with her.

Many people eat because they are unhappy or lonely or resentful. You said you work a lot. Is she lonely? Are you two connected in ways other than sex? Do you do any activities together or do you retire to your respective corners and pursue stuff that makes you happy? Is it possible she does not feel close enough to you to want to lose weight for the sake of the marriage. Does she resent you for something other than asking her to lose weight? Does the good feeling she gets from overeating overshadow the good feelings she should get from doing things with you?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think a lot of the foods that claim to be healthy choices are really not. I try and stay away from chemically altered foods. Margarine, sugar substitutes, lunch meats, velveeta, cool whip, low fat anything. The chemicals may alter metabolism. I use butter and olive oil. When we have a cookie, it's from a bakery and not a low fat derivative. 

Diet sodas are deadly. OP, these are easy things to incorporate in your food selection even if you don't diet. Avoid processed foods as a start.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> I think a lot of the foods that claim to be healthy choices are really not. I try and stay away from chemically altered foods. Margarine, sugar substitutes, lunch meats, velveeta, cool whip, low fat anything. The chemicals may alter metabolism. I use butter and olive oil. When we have a cookie, it's from a bakery and not a low fat derivative.
> 
> Diet sodas are deadly. OP, these are easy things to incorporate in your food selection even if you don't diet. Avoid processed foods as a start.


My SIL is as big as a house and drinks nothing but diet sodas!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If she is a believer, did she ever read passages in the Bible that speak to the body as a precious vessel to be cherished. I believe one of the seven deadly sins is gluttony. I don't suggest throwing biblical stuff at her, that will not work. It's interesting though that interpretation is often slanted to support the beliefs we already have and not to inform the development of our beliefs. Part of being human, I think,


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

ConanHub said:


> My SIL is as big as a house and drinks nothing but diet sodas!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think I know a skinny person who drinks diet soda or drink soda period. Skinny people don't need diet soda or do people who drink diet soda weight more?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> I don't think I know a skinny person who drinks diet soda or drink soda period. Skinny people don't need diet soda or do people who drink diet soda weight more?


My SIL started drinking diet years ago when she was only slightly overweight. She used to be a bombshell!

She blew up like a balloon while imbibing diet sodas like water.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## freedomf2012 (Sep 6, 2015)

Ok.You all know that if I tell my wife that I love her and want her to be healthy but I am no longer attracted to her. That the fight will be on, I will be the bad guy and her feelings will be hurt. I don't see that fixing any thing.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

freedomf2012 said:


> I have done all I now how to do. She tells me that she doesn't have time to exercise but spends most of her time playing games on her cell phone. That was one of big mistakes getting her a smart phone. About 8 years ago she wanted a tread mill, so I bought her one. Never gets used. I have watched several of my so called friends on facebook get divorced over the years and all of the women start to talk about losing weight and they all have. Then they brag about how they look and how much weight they have lost. Why could they not do that while they were married.


in many of these cases, it was the marriage that was weighing them down. They weren't that much into their husbands anymore, for whatever reasons. So, once divorced, they simply feel better about their life in general, and start enjoying it again.

How have things been between two of you, beside the weight?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

freedomf2012 said:


> Ok.You all know that if I tell my wife that I love her and want her to be healthy but I am no longer attracted to her. That the fight will be on, I will be the bad guy and her feelings will be hurt. I don't see that fixing any thing.


If you get the book His Needs Her Needs and work through it with her, it won't be nearly as much conflict and your relationship will improve on both sides.

Everyone has room for improvement and there could be a blind spot you have and are not meeting an important emotional need for your wife as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

freedomf2012 said:


> Ok.You all know that if I tell my wife that I love her and want her to be healthy but I am no longer attracted to her. That the fight will be on, I will be the bad guy and her feelings will be hurt. I don't see that fixing any thing.


Ask her if she would be "sexually attracted" to you if you weighed 500 pounds and had to use a speculum to find your penis.


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## Mrs.Submission (Aug 16, 2015)

freedomf2012 said:


> We have been married for 21 years this coming November. We have one son that is sixteen. When we got married she wore a size 8 and I was a size 32. No she is wearing a size 18 and I am at a size 34. I have asked politely on and off for the last ten years for her to loose some weight and instead of loosing she has gained. I have never called her fat and will never do that. Every time I try to bring it up she just stops eating for a while and says I guess you just want me to starve myself so I can be skinny. I don't expect her to be skinny or even back to a a size 8. I would be happy with a size 12. I feel like I am trapped and have no way out. It has started to affect my health in a lot of different ways. Now when I try to talk to her about it she just tells me her weight shouldn't matter. Please give me some advice I am desperate.


Wow...here I am complaining because I'm a size 12. Perspective makes all the difference. 

Your wife is being unreasonable. Let her know that you want her to live a long and healthy life with her. 
Sometimes the truth hurts and you can't be so afraid to cause friction just because you don't want to be the bad guy.


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## heartofhearts83 (Sep 8, 2015)

Do you cook? Have you tried making healthier meals? In the afternoon/evening, grab her hand and go walking hand in hand. Maybe you can get the ball rolling by getting her moving. Just a thought.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Frankly, there is not much you can do to make her WANT lose weight. If she does not find it in herself, whatever you do/suggest will come to her as nagging, and will create huge resentment. Her saying that you should love her no matter what, suggests that she 1) is in denial, 2) takes her marriage for granted. 

This is not just about the weight, but her attitude.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ask her if she would love you no matter what you did or didn't do.

What is something vitally important to her that you provide?

I think it is probably financial security.

If you refused to work anymore and stopped all financial support for her and your children, would she still love you no matter what?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## freedomf2012 (Sep 6, 2015)

WandaJ said:


> freedomf2012 said:
> 
> 
> > I have done all I now how to do. She tells me that she doesn't have time to exercise but spends most of her time playing games on her cell phone. That was one of big mistakes getting her a smart phone. About 8 years ago she wanted a tread mill, so I bought her one. Never gets used. I have watched several of my so called friends on facebook get divorced over the years and all of the women start to talk about losing weight and they all have. Then they brag about how they look and how much weight they have lost. Why could they not do that while they were married.
> ...


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

freedomf2012 said:


> WandaJ said:
> 
> 
> > in many of these cases, it was the marriage that was weighing them down. They weren't that much into their husbands anymore, for whatever reasons. So, once divorced, they simply feel better about their life in general, and start enjoying it again.
> ...


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

I'm 56 yo, 6', 166 lbs. 34/34 pants. My wife is 53 yo, 5'6", 150ish and loosing more every day, her goal is 130.

The other evening, she was sitting on top of me,:grin2:., she looked at me and asked, "how do fat people do this"?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Listen. I get that it's tough for a guy because we want to be the nice guy that doesn't buy into all the social pressures about women and their bodies. You know, the covers of cosmo and playboy and whatever pushing women to be thin and beautiful and young and make her feel ****ty about herself, right?

And you don't want to come off like a frat boy who only cares about women with tight bodies, right?

Wrong.

All this *****footing around doesn't do her a favour. Be straight with your wife. It doesn't have to be a big federal debate or about sexual political correctness.

"Wife I love you but your weight is making me lose attraction for you. It doesn't seem to bother you but it bothers me, because I miss being attracted to you."

Because that's the truth, right? It's what you'd want to hear, right? You're not holding a picture up of some unobtainable super model body and demanding that. You're saying you miss who she was before she stopped taking care of herself.

And then just shut your mouth and see what she says or does. If she puts it on you, listen to see if there's anything to that -- you may be contributing in some way. But don't let her blame you for her weight. 

Chances are she actually feels quite crappy and lost about the whole thing, and from what my wife and every other woman tells me about it, weight issues are usually a combination of being unhappy and just not giving a **** about themselves.


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## Mike_O (Aug 3, 2011)

marduk said:


> Listen. I get that it's tough for a guy because we want to be the nice guy that doesn't buy into all the social pressures about women and their bodies. You know, the covers of cosmo and playboy and whatever pushing women to be thin and beautiful and young and make her feel ****ty about herself, right?
> 
> And you don't want to come off like a frat boy who only cares about women with tight bodies, right?
> 
> ...


Very well said!


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

intheory said:


> If you are worried about chemicals in artificial sweeteners, mel, you could try stevia. It's a small plant, originally from S. America. It has a similar taste to artificial sweeteners and is *super* intense and concentrated; but if you are used to the taste of calorie-free sweeteners you should be able to adapt to it.


Not worried as such as a lot of people say that they have aspartame in them which is bad, but i drink loads of pepsi max and its never done me any harm and i feel really good:smile2:. Then i always think if it was really that bad for you then it would be used world wide.

Thanks tho i may try what you've suggested.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Her weight is important to you. Losing weight will prove to you that she loves you and cares about her.

What is it that you are not doing to make her feel loved and that you care about her?

If she doesn't feel that you love her, why would she bother to lose weight for you?


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## KeepHangingOn (Jan 10, 2013)

One thing I would recommend for anyone who drinks a lot of soda is getting a Soda Stream water carbonator. It makes sparkling water that tastes amazing with a little lemon juice or muddled mint leaves - and no sugar or (equally as bad) sugar substitutes.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> Listen. I get that it's tough for a guy because we want to be the nice guy that doesn't buy into all the social pressures about women and their bodies. You know, the covers of cosmo and playboy and whatever pushing women to be thin and beautiful and young and make her feel ****ty about herself, right?
> 
> And you don't want to come off like a frat boy who only cares about women with tight bodies, right?
> 
> ...


There certainly is a long road between tight body and phony photoshopped magazine cover and size 18, and decent shape for that matter. I can almost guarantee even the bikini models you see in print do not actually look like that.....not saying they don't look good but what you see is pretty heavily altered.

Take a look at a paparazzi snapped shot of one of them on the beach and you'll see they really don't look as good as you thought. I showed one of a well known bikini model to my husband and he had no idea who it was until I told him, and this is someone he's quite familiar with.

Maybe he can start going to the gym more and keeping healthier food in the house and then can invite her to join him? I don't know.....she knows she's heavy. For her own reasons she isn't motivated to change anything.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

OP, if you think there is a way to be honest with your wife and her NOT be upset, you're wrong. Of course she is going to be upset, perhaps furious, perhaps for a week or more. 

But your words will play over in her mind. When she gets dressed she will hear your words. When she showers she will hear your words. She will look in the mirror and hear your words. Unless she is an emotional 4 year old, in time she will be able to see the truth of it. She has become obese and very few people are attracted to obese. It's a simply as that.

At that point she will either give up, and begin to binge eat. Or she will give in and start looking for way to loose weight.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

Don't bathe for a week. When she gives you a hard time tell her that she should love you just the way you are.....


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

OP you are right - it's a touchy subject. Been there myself. My ex would poke fun at weight gain and say he didn't marry a fat person and wasn't attracted to a fat woman. Personally, this just killed my self esteem, made me very uninterested in being naked in front of him and had the side effect of having me starve myself during meals in his presence and binge on stuff when alone. Only to perpetuate a negative cycle.

Then when I tried some aerobic home workout DVDs, he'd make fun of my lack of coordination which only added to the self-consiousness and poor self esteem. Also his jeering and negative prodding (vs. supportive) made me dislike him as a person and lose respect.

So a direct approach doesn't always work for everyone.

What I do recommend is focusing on a healthy lifestyle. Years after divorce (not for weight) and putting everyone/everything first besides me, I did a lot of research and found those who lost weight and KEPT it off, continued to make an effort to stay active and watch what they ate. So I have made exercise a priority in my life.

Suggestions - offer to do the shopping and don't buy junk. Help with meal planning and prep and try new recipes that are healthier options. Buy a healthy eating cookbook. Make date night a priority but not necessarily at a restaurant: take a cooking class together, long walks holding hands, take some ballroom dance classes, anything that takes an active but pleasant form.

For family outings (or you two if there isn't a family) plan bike rides, nature hikes, frisbee in the park, an active adventure... none of it has to be triathalon type stuff that's daunting, just things that get moving. Buy a jawbone 4 and compare resting heart rates or steps in a day. Have little competitions - flirt.

And praise. Honest praise and compliments. You love her eyes, the new haircut takes years off, her pants look looser, how she glows when she sweats or looks alive... take charge of both of your eating habits and lifestyle. Also on occasion share an ice cream sundae or go for a long stroll ending up with a coffee and split a desert. 

You want a life partner. Life partners are supportive and want their spouse to live the best LIFE they can live. So keep moving to avoid boredom eating; keep being positive to avoid depressed binge eating and since you've already addressed it with her, she will be negative and skeptical at first, but instead focus on a healthier lifestyle/want to live longer/want you to be around for a long time-angle and work in some treats to avoid depravity.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Quigster said:


> Point #3: Size 18 isn't a monstrous whale. Marilyn Monroe was a size 16, and she was a sex goddess. You could do far worse. Count your blessings. My ex-wife was maybe 250-300 pounds. Just sayin'.


Actually, sizes have changed over the years to due vanity. I wanted to clear this one up as I see it a lot. 

Marilyn Monroe was Not Even Close to a Size 12-16

"Myth: Marilyn Monroe was a size 12-16. How this myth got started isn’t exactly known. It probably partially stems from the fact that women’s sizes today are not at all equivalent to women’s sizes in the 1950s. In the 1980s, in order to accommodate people’s vanity and ever expanding girth, the U.S. Department of Commerce got rid of the uniform sizing system and instead allowed for more ego stroking sizes. As a result of this, today, a size 8 would have been roughly equivalent to a size 16-18 in the 1950s, obviously though this varies a shocking amount from brand to brand.

Further, one of her dress makers also chimed in with exact measurements he took. Those measurements were 5 ft. 5.5 inches tall; 35 inch bust; 22 inch waist (approximately 2-3 inches less than the average American woman in the 1950s and 12 inches less than average today); and 35 inch hips, with a bra size of 36D. Her weight fluctuated a bit through her career, usually rising in times of depression and falling back to her normal thereafter, but her dressmaker listed her as 118 pounds and the Hollywood studios tended to list her between 115-120 lbs.

If you’re curious as to how that compares to modern contemporary fashion models, according to BluFire Model Registry, models are generally in the vicinity of a 34 bust; 24 waist; and 34 hips, which is very close to Monroe’s measurements of 35-22-35. They list the average model today at 5 ft. 8 inches, to Monroe’s 5 ft 5.5 inches."


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Actually, sizes have changed over the years to due vanity. I wanted to clear this one up as I see it a lot.
> 
> Marilyn Monroe was Not Even Close to a Size 12-16
> 
> ...


That sounds like she would be about a size 2 or less. My wife weighs about 130 and is a size 4 I think.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> That sounds like she would be about a size 2 or less. My wife weighs about 130 and is a size 4 I think.


Yet back in the late 90s I was 5'6" and 125 I wore a 6/8 in most clothing. Sizes have changed that much.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> But your words will play over in her mind. When she gets dressed she will hear your words. When she showers she will hear your words. She will look in the mirror and hear your words.


If you do discuss this with your wife, choose your words carefully, tactfully, and with love. If she's sensitive about her weight, your words really will play over in her mind. Not just when she showers and dresses, but also when she takes her clothes off for you, when she serves herself a plate of food in front of you, when she thinks you might be checking out a thinner woman.

You can send the message that you want her to be healthy, or that you think she's gross. If she feels judged and insulted, then even if she loses the weight, she may think twice about sharing her body with you.


Also, for the sake of perspective for the commenters, a US size 18 is slightly over the line to obesity. Depending on her height, losing 10 or 15 pounds may put her in the overweight category. She is definitely not a healthy weight, but she is not necessarily seriously obese or a compulsive over-eater.


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Actually, sizes have changed over the years to due vanity. I wanted to clear this one up as I see it a lot.


Thank you, this sort of thing is thrown around all the time when people talk about weight and the misinformation is frustrating.

A visual comparison for those curious.


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## confusedinTX (May 9, 2008)

Did you marry her body or did you marry her because of other things like how she made you feel or you enjoyed spending time with her? If you married a boy then you need to do both of you a favor and admit to being shallow and move on. If your thing started with I am worried about her health and well being I would have a different reply but really it comes across ass hallow. After a woman has a kid her body is never the same even if she goes back to starting weight or less. It sucks but it is what it is. I was tiny when we meet and we both have gained weight. Once my baby was in preschool I started working out and have lost 30 lbs but even before that we still had a good sec life and marriage. He is happy that I am getting healthy and really hope that I will inspire him to get moving too. If you want constructive advise talk to her about how you want her to be around to see grandkids and have fun adventures in retirement. If you want her to be healthy verse skinny great. BUt ifyou only love her if she is a size whatever then do you really love her at all? I didn't get married because of his size. I married my husband because I loved talking to him for hours and how he covered my toes before going to work and the way he laughs and makes me laught etc. That is why you should love someone. Also someone said you want her to be healthier and lose weight then support her in exercising and eating healthier.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

confusedinTX said:


> If you married a body then you need to do both of you a favor and admit to being shallow and move on.


Some men like big women. Some men like slender women. Others like all shapes and sizes. Whatever the OP's preference is, I don't think he's shallow. His wife became a body type that he naturally doesn't find sexually attractive. Attraction isn't something we can control. We're either sexually attracted to someone or we're not.


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## RogueAlpha (Oct 1, 2015)

Size 18 isn't healthy for anyone. Sounds like she's "given up"... Sitting around doing nothing indicates possible depression to me. Also sounds like she's taking you for granted, which is not good. You can't force her to care about her body, but you can take care of yourself and become a healthier version of yourself in the meantime. Hit the gym and put on some serious muscle. Let her see other women checking you out, and maybe then she'll come around 😜


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Size 18 means eat whatever you want mode. 

You have to get her to recognize this is a health issue. 

If she reads, have her read 'The Schwarzbein Principle'

Proper eating should be based on lifestyle habits, not fad yo-yo dieting.


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## hamish (Mar 12, 2012)

Sorry for the thread bump...I'm in a similar boat. More to follow shortly.


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