# My money, His money, trust issue = problem



## Butterflyy (Sep 28, 2013)

My husband and I have always had separate bank accounts and we never really discussed any future investments etc. that we could start saving up in the future. 

Money is a big problem in our marriage. I don't trust him with money as he is just not wise with it. He doesn't seem to spend much money on himself on things like clothes, gadgets, etc. He doesn't really spend money on me either except occasional dinner out. We don't go on vacation, we don't really do any short weekend trips. I do know he likes to bet on sports though. He is all about half and half as far as paying for bills.

I really would like to start saving for a downpayment for a condo or small house but I just don't think that my husband would ever contribute to saving. He does not really care about buying the big things. Since we argued from early beginning of the marriage about the finances - i didn't really want a joint account. This way he can't control/potentially spend money that try to save. Last time About a year ago I accidentally saw his atm receipt, when I was cleaning, and the balance was pretty small for a someone with a regular full time job. I don't know how much he spends on what, how much he gambles (he says it's not much maybe like 50-100 a month) I just don't have a way to know that.

I feel like most that I have I accomplished myself because of my own ability to save up money. Unfortunately to buy a home I just cant to it all by myself. I need his contribution. I don't even know how much money he has in his account. I am afraid to ask because it would hurt to hear that he might have less than i think he should have.

I guess I am just trying to figure out how can I openly and honestly talk to him about our finances. I don't want to seem like investigating him but I feel like I just need to know how he is doing and whether we need to make some changes. I also recently learned that our electric bill is a few months past due - electricity is the only joint bill that he takes care of. I never really interrogated him about his account balance but now that I need to know how we are doing i just feel like it's time for a serious conversation. (usually those don't end well and he shuts down).

What are your thoughts guys? I am worried that my marriage might be doomed for failure partially because we cannot seem to become honest about finances and we don't have the same financial goals and lifestyles.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

> I guess I am just trying to figure out how can I openly and honestly talk to him about our finances. I don't want to seem like investigating him but I feel like I just need to know how he is doing and whether we need to make some changes. I also recently learned that our electric bill is a few months past due - electricity is the only joint bill that he takes care of. I never really interrogated him about his account balance but now that I need to know how we are doing i just feel like it's time for a serious conversation. (usually those don't end well and he shuts down).
> 
> What are your thoughts guys? I am worried that my marriage might be doomed for failure partially because we cannot seem to become honest about finances and we don't have the same financial goals and lifestyles.


This speaks columns about your relationship. What would you tell a friend that told you this?
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## Butterflyy (Sep 28, 2013)

It's a hard question, Sbrown. I probably would be worried about my friend's relationship. I would tell him/her to work on communication with the spouse, try to have an honest conversation about the money problem and see if they can find a common ground. This is still pretty general answer though.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

I would advise you to save money. Not for a house, but for eventual escape/divorce. Buying a house/condo will only complicate matters. You two need mc ASAP. And maybe buy Dave Ramsey's financial peace course. You two MUST be in the same page when making the biggest purchase of your lives. If not you're in for a rough ride. Find out if he's just bad with money or does he have a gambling problem. My ex had to teach me to budget and save. But it was an open discussion.
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## BeeHive (Sep 28, 2013)

It seems strange that you and your husband don't communicate by sharing information about finances. It seems you have different orbits that don't connect. People who are married need to know what the other one is doing, since legally you are liable for things the other one is doing. For instance, if one person defaults on a credit card loan, it impacts the other person's credit rating. YOU GUYS NEED TO HAVE A SIT DOWN AND TALK IT OUT. You need to share information about finances. If either one of you dies (to be blunt, and it does happen), the other would be completely lost. My husband and I both work and have separate accounts, but we have access to each other's accounts and information. That way we feel secure in knowing our financial situation AS A COUPLE. If you cannot have this kind of conversation with your husband, or he resists, it's a big red flag for problems that may be a deal breaker for your marriage. Your nagging feeling and worry must be listened to and addressed. Good Luck!


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## Butterflyy (Sep 28, 2013)

Sbrown - I have been trying to save money for an emergency fund and I plan on continuing to do so. As far as mc - he will never agree to go. He doesn't believe in psychology and he believes that we must solve issues on our own (which as you probably guesses - doesn't work out very well).
I will have to just find time and talk about the finances and just go from there. 

BeeHive - thanks for some good advice. I am glad to hear that you and your husband can communicate well especially on the financial level.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Don't find time MAKE time. If he's not willing to work on the relationship then I don't hold out much hope for you two. Do you have children?
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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Oh and if he won't go, then you go by yourself. Find out why you would put up with his nonsense.
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## Butterflyy (Sep 28, 2013)

To answer your question - thankfully we don't have children. 

I tried counseling by myself before and i believe after 6 weeks i stopped going. I didn't think that it was helping very much but I did learn to see a few things from a different perspective. I might consider going back as I guess some time has passed and with a different counselor it might be more helpful this time around (even if just for myself) I will have to check with my insurance too.


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## death and taxes (Jul 6, 2012)

His admission about gambling is a huge red flag. If you can tell that he doesn't spend a lot of money on himself for material things, then the gambling issue may be a very large problem. I bet he understated it by at least 10x.


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