# Wedding War with the in-laws-to-be



## Diggory (Mar 21, 2012)

Hi! I hope I'm posting this in the right place, but if not, please move it. 

My fiancee and I are looking to get married relatively soon. I proposed to her last summer shortly after we bought a house together, and things have generally been going well between us. Most of the wedding planning has been done, and has gone well, but recently we were designing our invites and all hell broke loose! 

We agreed on them being from both of us and came up with a design. Before printing them, however, she spoke with her parents and they insisted that it was tradition that they be addressed from them ("Mr and Mrs invite you to the wedding of their daughter"), or they would withdraw financial support and not attend the wedding (of their own daughter!). At this point, all we knew was that they said that they'd "help out" financially with the wedding, and had so far paid for her dress. Not being one to be disagreeable, I suggested that if they were to be listed, maybe my parents could be listed at the top as well. Flat out, I was told that that couldn't be done because my parents were not hosting (they can't afford to, but if it came to it, I'd pay their half), and it was their family tradition for them to host. As far as I knew, WE were hosting, not my fiancees parents, but now was being told that they were hosting and got final say on this. My fiancee suddenly remembered that she'd actually wanted the invites to be as they said, and just forgotten when we designed them, and that she'd actually looked at various forms of invitations with her parents. When I spoke with them on the phone, they were very upset and her mother yelling could be heard in the background while I spoke with her father. 

I relented eventually and said that if they were hosting (and contributing more than we'd thought), then fine, the invites could be that way, but we'd need to sit down and talk it over and make sure that there aren't any other situations like this that could come up on the future. We were not to print any invitations until we talked. I said that we needed to be clear on how much was intended to be contributed and what expectations came along with that. 

She went and saw them and they went over the financial details with her: they aim to pay for the venue (the majority of the cost), and the dress. I told her I was upset that they talked about it without me, to which she apologized and agreed that we should all still sit down together. 

Now they don't see a need to talk and assure us that there isn't anything else that needs to be "traditional" or just-so, and refused to come to our house on my fiancee's birthday because I wanted to talk. 

Am I being petty and kicking up a fuss over nothing? I'm concerned that this will set a precedent that they can always get their way in the future, without even notifying us. I find my fiancee defers to their judgement more than mine for just about everything, so I'm worried that things will never change. I'm kinda disgusted that they wouldn't even be willing to talk things over. I thought this was OUR wedding.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Am I being petty and kicking up a fuss over nothing? I'm concerned that this will set a precedent that they can always get their way in the future, without even notifying us. I find my fiancee defers to their judgement more than mine for just about everything, so I'm worried that things will never change. I'm kinda disgusted that they wouldn't even be willing to talk things over. I thought this was OUR wedding.


You're absolutely right in this situation. Make no mistake about that.

But...

This will have to be a choice of being 'right' or being 'happy' for you and your new wife. Let her parents have this nonsense for the wedding and happily agree with whatever crazy they throw at you. I'll tell you why...

You are marrying their daughter. They've had total control of her life (for the most part) her whole life and now she's getting married. Her life will be about YOU and your life together. Sit her down and tell her how you feel and that this is her parents last hurrah. As husband and wife, you want your life to be about the two of you and what the two of you want. That means problems you two have are worked out between you... not with her parents interfering. She will have to put them in their place on this AFTER the wedding and they will no doubt have a fit, but seriously, their role in her life is about to change in a big way. 

Go enjoy your wedding. It's not about the invites, the party or what her parents pay for or don't pay for, it's about you and your fiancee and your new MARRIAGE.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

I hate to say, but if the bride's parents are essentially paying for the wedding, then essentially they are "hosting" and the invitations should be from them. 

If you and your bride are paying for everything, then the invitations should come from the both of you.

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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Diggory said:


> I'm concerned that this will set a precedent that they can always get their way in the future, without even notifying us. I find my fiancee defers to their judgement more than mine for just about everything, so I'm worried that things will never change. I'm kinda disgusted that they wouldn't even be willing to talk things over. I thought this was OUR wedding.


Okay, I could address this from the money perspective; specifically, if her parents poney up 50 percent or more for the cost of the wedding, they "earn" the right to be the people inviting the guests. Actually, who gives a horse's patoot? Yes, traditionally, the bride's parents issue the invitation BUT it is not unusual nowadays to see parents from both sides issue a joint invitation, or the bride and groom to issue the invitation on their own.

I'm not up-to-date on my Emily Post, but I assume the "proper" way to phrase an invitation would be that whoever pitches in the most $$ for the big day gets to have their name at the top of the invitation.

HOWEVER, far more important, is your concern that your fiancee defers to her parents more than you. What you see now is what you will be getting, if not more so, after you are married. So, you are not going into this blind. Your in-laws will likely play a large role in your wife's life, whether you like it or not. And that role may include their opinions being very important when it comes to major life decisions.

You are now an informed consumer. You've gotten a preview of what will probably occur in your married life. Don't even entertain thoughts that you can change your future wife or her parents. Nobody has the power to change another person. 

Do I think you are over reacting? Yes, a bit. But planning a wedding can be a stressful event. What baffles me (and I got married back in the Paleolithic Era) are the weddings of today. There is such an extreme emphasis on weddings with "bling," the entire wedding party going to select THE GOWN, and all the other garbage that goes into a wedding. No wonder the divorce rate is so high. If people put half as much effort into their marriages as they did into planning their weddings, they would be better off.

Okay, I'm through editorializing and pontificating here. You sound like a nice guy, but you may be in for a bumpy ride with the in-laws playing a large role in the future ...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

this is when the miss manners stuff goes too far imo

and I agree that OP should have a sit down with the parents, not to argue about the invitations (as previously stated, it really doesn't matter in the scheme of things and I would've gladly traded $$ for a stupid invitation format), but to talk about what it means that now that they are getting married and what expectations each other have and desire


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If they are paying the majority of the costs, they are hosting.

You are making too much out of this. Best you back down and be gracious, else you are in for a lot of years of nastiness between her folks and you. Not a good way to start a marriage.

Traditionally weddings are the responsibility of the wife's parents. For many parents, to not allow them that honor is a HUGE insult.

Your wife probably talked to them alone because she was afraid of the blowup that would occur. You and your fiance made a mistake from the get-go by your wife not talking this over with her parents first. It is not the place of the groom to negotiate the costs of a wedding with the parents of the bride. 

There are certain costs and events that are traditionally handled by the groom and his family... such as the rehersal dinner. Get a book on wedding etiquette and do what the groom traditionally does. 

One of the reasons that wedding etiquette is as it is... having different things that each side is responsible for is to avoid the kinds of arguments you are in right now.

since you are now saving a lot of money by not having to pay for the majority of the wedding... do something special with it.. a down payment for a house... or a great honeymoon.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

You need to sit down with your bride-to-be and get on the same page on how decisions will be made when you get married. One interpretation of the events is you two making a decision and then she sold you out in an effort to appease her parents. 

While their request to be the host is reasonable, their refusal to discuss it (and what other things they might be paying for) and your finacee's decision make these decisions with her parents without any input from you are a problem. Since it sounds like you can afford to host the wedding if you chose, you two need to decide how much, if anything, you want to accept from her parents and how reasonable their expectations are. That she seems unwilling to do this seems like a red-flag to me.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Weddings can be a great point of stress in people... so often it involves the in laws because ... well, they simply just want to be overly involved in their child's wedding.

My only advice to you, coming from someone who did nothing but cry over in laws interferences during my wedding plans... DO NOT LET THIS GET TO YOU AND YOUR FIANCEE! 

Often times in law issues arise and the stress hit no one else but the couple getting married- one is upset, the other trying to side with their parents... It's just the way it works.

Avoid getting to this point. Calmly tell your fiancee how you feel without intruding on them to have to make a choice between you and their parents... that is one loosing battle I'm afraid.

If you calmy share your feelings of what is happening in the wedding plans, your fiancee might see it that it isn't fair to you... and deal with "fixing" it their own way...

Do not let in laws be a point of argument... if you can tolerate to let go of the minor things they do that irritate you, so it... ! Take a deep breathe and godo something else to get your mind of it! Unless it is something you feel that required MAJOR discussion, don't sweat it. 

Nothing is worse that having your own relationship ruined becasue of other people! Good Luck!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Elope.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Elope.


I really wish I did that


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I really wish I did that


We sort of did. Very small ceremony in the mtns.....lake side.........just our parents, our witnesses, the minister, and us...................along with the "public onlookers". It was perfect! :smthumbup:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It is proper etiquette. 

Not to say it shouldn't burn your biscuits, but they aren't being that "odd", especially if they're old school.

We paid for our own shet...so only our names were on it.


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## Diggory (Mar 21, 2012)

Thanks for the replies, everyone. I know it's proper etiquette when the bride's parents are hosting, and I'm very much okay with that if that's what we'd agreed upon at the outset of planning. I also know that ultimately, invitation wording doesn't matter. What I have a problem with is not being included in any discussions or even informed of people's intentions before they make decisions that concern me. As I said, for months we were both under the impression that we were paying for the wedding (and have already paid for much of it), not her parents. Only that they would contribute some amount of money. 

Really, I'm just concerned that they see us as children (I'm in my early thirties, she's in her late twenties), and that they can simply decide things for us, because that's how it's always been with their daughter. When we were dating, they used to forbid her from seeing me more often than three times a week. My concern is that sort of thing won't stop beyond the wedding and that this tiff over the invites is just another warning sign.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Is she their only daughter?

It is the bride's day...and the husband's...but parents of the bride are very much tied to it...in a weird way.

My daughters won't have to worry about invitations or my name. We aren't paying for them :rofl:

maybe her parents are just sad. Weird to say, but maybe they are. I don't know...i don't know them. Do they like you??

Their behavior with her is weird. And it will cause issues after the wedding, I promise you that. Have you talked to your wife about how she'll handle her parents when they try to intrude?

What is her culture?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Diggory said:


> Really, I'm just concerned that they see us as children (I'm in my early thirties, she's in her late twenties), and that they can simply decide things for us, because that's how it's always been with their daughter. When we were dating, they used to forbid her from seeing me more often than three times a week. My concern is that sort of thing won't stop beyond the wedding and that this tiff over the invites is just another warning sign.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Actually this is a serious concern.

If your fiancé is in her late twenties and still being parented like a child by her parents with her consent you`re in some trouble.

This needs to be discussed in depth before marriage.


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## Diggory (Mar 21, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Is she their only daughter?:


Yep



that_girl said:


> Do they like you??


She maintains that they do, but also that they don't think I take things seriously and that I'm lazy and don't help out enough. I insist on equality in everything with my fiancé, though, and we divide things equally, so I'm not sure where that comes from. My mother (who has stage four cancer) recently had a stroke, so I've been spending time visiting her most days after work, but we still get stuff done around the house together. 



that_girl said:


> Have you talked to your wife about how she'll handle her parents when they try to intrude?


I've expressed my concern and she keeps assuring me that they won't intrude, but so far I haven't seen that. 



that_girl said:


> What is her culture?


We're both Canadian, but her family is conservative and religious and my family is liberal and secular.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

Well, this sucks. I know what it's like to have crazy in-laws too What me and my hubby did for our invited was put "the honor of your presence is requested at the marriage of Her name, daughter of her parents name to your name, son of your parents name. This way, both parents are included. I think that it's kind of wrong to not include your parents at all. I think if you guys really want to do things your way, then you should tell them, thanks for offering financial assistance, but no thanks. As long as they are contributing to the wedding financially, then they are going to hold it over your heads....Plus, who knows what other kinds of decisions they may try to make for you guys. The bottom line is that it's yours and your fiancee's day....Do things the way you want them.


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## debbiety (Mar 22, 2012)

Oh,my god,wedding war!!!
:sleeping:


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