# I want to move on....



## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

So..... I was with my husband for almost 20 years (no kids), I left him almost a year ago now. He played the guilt card hard... He didn't want me to leave.... Anyhow, almost a year later, the guilt is still there.... Almost worse in some cases. He tells me how he can't work because he is too messed up.... He tells me he is too broke to pay for some stuff..... I feel like I have abandoned him..... 

He is dated someone, they are living together. I am also dating an amazing guy..... The guilt is laying heavy on me... It comes and goes.... I thought I was through this then, wham, it hit me again..... I fear this will put a wedge in between me and the man I am seeing now. What do I do? I am assuming what I am going through is normal? I met my ex when I was 17, I haven't gone through a split up before.... This sucks.....


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Why do you have guilt? Did you cheat on your ex? Are you officially divorced?


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

What have you got to feel guilty about?

I don't think that it's your fault that he chose to handle the break up so badly. 

Remember, he chose to fall apart. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did not force him to react the way that he did. He did that to himself.

I don't know why you broke up, and it's possible that you could be feeling guilt because of that, but I'm starting to learn that taking care of yourself, and putting your own needs first is nothing to feel guilty about.


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## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

No, I didn't cheat, no, we are not officially divorce. We are both in another relationship. I met my bf 3-4 months after I left. Everything was pretty much finalized months ago... I am just waiting on his signature on the separation agreement to get my name off the house (he wanted it)


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## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

WantWifeBack said:


> What have you got to feel guilty about?
> 
> I don't think that it's your fault that he chose to handle the break up so badly.
> 
> ...


I left because I hated having him touch me.... and then of course, resentment built.... We never communicated...

But, you are right, he chose to fall apart..... I just wish he would stop venting at me... He can be very manipulative, and also intimidating....


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

bluedog said:


> I left because I hated having him touch me.... and then of course, resentment built.... We never communicated...
> 
> But, you are right, he chose to fall apart..... I just wish he would stop venting at me... He can be very manipulative, and also intimidating....


Why did you hate having him touch you?

If you want him to stop venting at you, don't facilitate it. Go NC about anything other than divorce/assets. He'll soon get the message.


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## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

I am not sure why I hate having him touch me...... 

What does NC mean?


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Have you had any counselling to explore the possible cause? Or did he hurt you in such a way you couldn't allow him that closeness of touch?

NC means No Contact. Just completely cut him off, no phone calls, texts, emails, facebook, nothing. Block him on facebook so you can't see his profile and he can't see yours.

It means removing him from your life, and therefore the stress and guilt that comes alone with it.

Only talk in regards of divorce and separation of assets.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

So you left him because you hated it when he touched you but you don't know why you hated it? 

There has to be more to it than that. At least I would hope so. That isn't a good reason to leave someone if that is the case.

Sounds to me like you were having problems, didn't talk about them and built resentment up until you finally left. 

I don't know if that is the case, but it sounds like it might be. If that is the case, your guilt might be justified. 

Sorry, I'm not trying to offend you, I'm just trying to be honest. In my opinion, there are only a few reasons why people should get divorced....abuse, infidelity, and addiction.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Blue
Even if your guilt was or is justified, you have to let it go for your own sanity.

I do too feel very guilty about my ex, This week I have been missing him like crazy!!!

Stupid country songs make me cry, I want to go back to him but then what??

I know he will be much happier without me. I know he will be fine. We both wanted the separation.

It is very normal to harbor different feelings. You spent more than half your life with this man.

I do think you may need to explore this feelings of guilt with a counselor. Have you done that??


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## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

WantWifeBack said:


> Have you had any counselling to explore the possible cause? Or did he hurt you in such a way you couldn't allow him that closeness of touch?
> 
> NC means No Contact. Just completely cut him off, no phone calls, texts, emails, facebook, nothing. Block him on facebook so you can't see his profile and he can't see yours.
> 
> ...



I blocked him on fb ages ago.... We don't talk on the phone.... I've tried my best to cut communication... Hard when things aren't finalized... We don't have kids, but dogs... One he kept got very sick. Thought she might have a tumour. Still don't know. I have redirected all legal separation communication through my lawyer. He communicate about the dog via email.... He likes to ad in there how he can't handle loosing anything more this year.... We had a company together.... Which I started.... He kept half the contracts, me the other half. Then he contacts me the other day saying he is going to give up the contracts unless I take them over. He's too messed up still to work etc....

As for the physical contact.... No. We or I didn't see counselling over that. It's all issues that happened 18-15 years ago that we both chose to not solve.... Then resentment built up... Then it's just too late.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

Brokenman85 said:


> So you left him because you hated it when he touched you but you don't know why you hated it?
> 
> There has to be more to it than that. At least I would hope so. That isn't a good reason to leave someone if that is the case.
> 
> ...


No. You didn't offend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

ne9907 said:


> Blue
> Even if your guilt was or is justified, you have to let it go for your own sanity.
> 
> I do too feel very guilty about my ex, This week I have been missing him like crazy!!!
> ...


I'm waiting to hear back when I can get an appointment.... And I agree with you, I know my ex will be better off with someone who truly loves him. And I too will be better off with someone who truly loves me. 

And yes, whether or not my guilt is justified or not I need to let it go for my own sanity....


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

You promised your life to your husband, then you betrayed him by dumping him without cause. I suggest you dump your new boyfriend and beg your husband for another chance.


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## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

wilderness said:


> You promised your life to your husband, then you betrayed him by dumping him without cause. I suggest you dump your new boyfriend and beg your husband for another chance.


Please don't judge when you don't know the whole story.... A relationship takes a lot of work. It isn't easy. There has to be commitment and dedication from both partners. If there isn't that bond crumbles and falls. It's a two way street. There is two people that need to work on things and keep that bond there. A relationship can not be sustained by one person alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

Following on from broken man's reasons for divorce, indeed there are indeed good reasons (as listed) and unsound reasons ('just fell out of love' or 'I found someone else', for example). I'm sure there is more to the story than what you have revealed, but without a reason for why you hated his touch doesn't quite explain the resentment that has been building up for so long. And why couldn't you communicate through this stumbling block in your marriage? Is there anything that would make you believe that communication difficulties you have will be handled any better with a different intimate partner? There maybe more that needed to have been said and worked through. Had there been any professional counselling in your marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

BD,

I would suggest you do some research on the grieving process of relationships ending but I would be surprised if you have not already read about it.

Guilt is one of the emotions associated with the grieving process. Have you expreienced the anger as well?

I suspect you have come to understand as all of us have that time is the only thing that makes these intense emotions fade but they rarely disappear.

Good luck, you're a survivor,
Stretch


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## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

Weathered said:


> Following on from broken man's reasons for divorce, indeed there are indeed good reasons (as listed) and unsound reasons ('just fell out of love' or 'I found someone else', for example). I'm sure there is more to the story than what you have revealed, but without a reason for why you hated his touch doesn't quite explain the resentment that has been building up for so long. And why couldn't you communicate through this stumbling block in your marriage? Is there anything that would make you believe that communication difficulties you have will be handled any better with a different intimate partner? There maybe more that needed to have been said and worked through. Had there been any professional counselling in your marriage?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We tried counselling. We discussed those past issues.... I just don't want to get into details on those such things I'm sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

Stretch said:


> BD,
> 
> I would suggest you do some research on the grieving process of relationships ending but I would be surprised if you have not already read about it.
> 
> ...


Stretch.... Yes, I did that research months ago.... But I had forgotten. Thank you. I'll read more into it too. I'm not 100% sure if I've gone through the anger stage.... I think my ex has been there for 11 months now.... I think I did that before we split.... Is that possible? But then again I'm not a 'angry' person.... Maybe I skipped that? I don't know...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

bluedog said:


> Please don't judge when you don't know the whole story.... A relationship takes a lot of work. It isn't easy. There has to be commitment and dedication from both partners. If there isn't that bond crumbles and falls. It's a two way street. There is two people that need to work on things and keep that bond there. A relationship can not be sustained by one person alone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not judging I'm going by the facts that you provided. You did factually leave your husband, correct? How does that reconcile with 'commitment and dedication' which you allude to in your post above? I believe that you feel that you abandoned your husband because you did abandon him.


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

bluedog said:


> I left because I hated having him touch me.... and then of course, resentment built.... We never communicated...
> 
> But, you are right, he chose to fall apart..... I just wish he would stop venting at me... He can be very manipulative, and also intimidating....


I have moved out of my house into an apartment and my H is also very manipulative and somewhat intimidating. I can understand your position.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Perhaps its because you have met someone new, you think he is wonderful, the relationship is going well. You are at that point within yourself that you want to devote everything to the new potential life but that little part of you is still stuck. You were together a long time.

Neither of you have pressed the divorce, if he refuses to sign the paperwork everything else is done the judge can just default sign for him and your done. He does sound like he is trying to manipulate you to a point. I somehow dont think his new gf would appreciate his trying attempts to keep communication open with you. He is kind of living a lie to a point but that is his problem now isnt it. 

You talked in general about your resentment and an issue from years ago and like many have said something brought it to a focal point. Whatever that reason, you yourself will need to deal with it so you dont bring it into your new relationship, whether consiously or subconsiously. 

Guilt is a funny thing, it can be yourself asking did you try everything?, are you hiding something?, do you still care about him and part wants to go back, part doesnt? It is because you are happy now and he isnt. 

You say you only contact via email, quit reading the emails, if its important he can contact via lawyer.


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