# Just had a talk with my wife



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Basically told her that I can't go on like that, feeling the most undesired, faulty person on earth. 

She said there are a lot of things about me that bother her and she needs to ignore all the time.

I said then either you learn how to deal with them, or you decide they are too much to deal with and leave. 

You just CAN'T keep for couple of years of our marriage to keep criticizing, pointing out flaws, yelling, name calling, etc. etc. and still expect me to think that you love me and you don't say here just because I am a good provider for your needs and take care of our kids.

In truth, she really needs help. Her emotions all over the place. I told her that, and begged her enough times to seek some help. But she wouldn't, instead living a life of anger bursts... 

It's not going to go to divorce, because we are both not going to. But I am going to make this point enough times till she gets it. I don't want a divorce either. I want her to heal. Sometimes I think that having a wife with emotional issues is no different than having a wife with physical issues - would you leave your wife because of it?

And of course setting bounderies. Today she wanted me to do something, saying how I am so sloppy. I said well, if you talk like that I am not doing it, and started to walk away - she run after me with the thing in the hand so I'd do it.

I truly feel bad for her. But no one can help her besides herself. All I can do is to protect myself not to get hurt in the process.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Is there still any love in the marriage? Any intimacy? 
Is there anything in the marriage?


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## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

If there is still love in your relationship, you can still work on it.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"She said there are a lot of things about me that bother her and she needs to ignore all the time"

This would have been the final push for me. After basically laying your soul on the line, this is how she responds? What a cold and unfeeling person she is.

You also asked:

"Sometimes I think that having a wife with emotional issues is no different than having a wife with physical issues - would you leave your wife because of it?"

Yes I would because the difference is that in this case, your wife is refusing to get better


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## Clark G (Sep 5, 2012)

Sounds like you both need to define all of this in open talks and determine if you are willing to grow as a couple, raise your standards, adn improve yourselves for one another?

Blaming her (perhaps she does have emotional issues) isn't hte answer as I also read that there is a lot about you that bothers her - well what are those things? 

I'm not saying either of you to change. That doesn't work unless the changes is mandatory - i.e. abuse, addiction, etc.

How bad are these emotional issues? Are they medical related where she should be seeing someone or perhaps on a medication? 

I agree with the above that don't give up yet if the love and intamacy is still there. why did you even get married in first place? did you even know each other?

Joe


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Toffer said:


> "Sometimes I think that having a wife with emotional issues is no different than having a wife with physical issues - would you leave your wife because of it?"
> 
> Yes I would because the difference is that in this case, your wife is refusing to get better


I expected this kind of answer, but assume someone has a physical problem that effect their brain and they can't think logically? Then they won't seek help?

When someone is in a real emotional ditch, they are sometimes not even able to see it, and to seek treatment.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Clark G said:


> Blaming her (perhaps she does have emotional issues) isn't hte answer as I also read that there is a lot about you that bothers her - well what are those things?
> 
> Joe


No one is perfect. She is bothered by the fact I am sloppy - which I work on - but the point is that no one is perfect. Yet, everyone is willing to improve of they have a loving mate...


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Stubborn you both are?

There is two sides to all of it. She can tell you several times over and over why she is angry, and you can just refuse to do them. So then she falls out of love with you, and is stuck focusing on the negative things you have done. Resentment.

All you can do is work on your part in the relationship. If you are slob, and it bothers her, work on being neater. Sit down and write out a plan. Who cleans what. Make sure it's fair. 

You are kinda asking her to show love before you work on being sloppy, and she is saying she cannot until you clean up. 

Call a truce. Write an agreement with each other. Seriously. No name calling. A hug and kiss when you greet each other. A chores list. Date night. Take the LEAD and create the opportunity for her to fall in love with you. Do NOT just sit back and wait for her to go to counselling and get used to how you are. 

Be the leader.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

joshbjoshb said:


> In truth, she really needs help. *Her emotions all over the place*.


Josh, of the ten personality disorders listed in the diagnostic manual, there is one that children often acquire when raised -- as your W was -- by an emotionally unavailable mother who refuses to validate the child's feelings. As you said last year (9/15/11 post), her mother "doesn't know how to connect emotionally to any of her children." 

Significantly, a large share of the psychiatric community has been lobbying for two decades to change the name of this disorder to _"Emotional Regulation Disorder"_ because the hallmark of the disorder is being unable to manage and regulate one's emotions -- a problem you have repeatedly attributed to your W. Indeed, of the ten personality disorders, this is the ONLY one that is notorious for creating emotional instability.

The name, however, has not been changed. It therefore continues to be called _"Borderline Personality Disorder,"_ a disorder that my exW suffers from. I mention this because, while reading all your threads, I found that you are describing many classic traits of BPD. These include: 


temper tantrums that start in seconds and typically last a few hours or a day,
verbal abuse,
always being "The Victim,"
inability to do self-soothing,
inability to trust you,
immature, child-like behavior
rapid Jekyll-Hyde transformations between loving you and hating you, and
heavy reliance on black-white thinking.
I therefore suggest you read my brief description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread at My list of hell!. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. I also suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two _by yourself_ -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your kids are dealing with. Take care, Josh.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

If you take divorce off the table, it will never end.

You have to set a clear line that she needs to get some professional counseling because you refuse to live this way.

On top of that, I would suggest marriage counseling because these things are rarely one-sided and you have to be prepared to address YOUR faults, too.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

It sounds to me like she has issues with you, but you dont wish to address that part, you just want to push the blame on her and accuse her of "emotional issues". Telling her to learn to deal with it isnt being a partner. Stop blame-shifting and take a serious look at yourself and your behavior in the marriage and toward your wife. I remember my verbally/mentally abusive ex husband telling me that we would be fine if I would just "fix" myself. Thats why he is EX.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Toffer said:


> "She said there are a lot of things about me that bother her and she needs to ignore all the time"
> 
> This would have been the final push for me. After basically laying your soul on the line, this is how she responds? What a cold and unfeeling person she is.


Ugh. I basically had this conversation with my wife, more than once. Tough to read it here, but I'm glad you posted it.


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