# Getting my Ducks in a Row



## Leading Man (Dec 11, 2012)

My wife is having another affair and has checked out of this marriage. Married 12 years, 3 boys (14,10,5.) Been working on the 180. A divorce isn't going to be a good thing for any one of us. But my wife is going to stay in this greener grass dreamland until reality hits her hard and heavy. So I think I need to file a divorce. Now if she ends up staying in our house, gets 50% custody, and some of my paycheck, it could be years before she sits back and wonders what she has done. So how do I prepare for a separation that would greatly increase my chances of keeping the house, the kids most of the time, and most of my income? We both work and she makes about 20% less than I do. She is currently staying at OM's apartment about 1 night a week after work and stopping over there about 3 times a week after work. This is a no-fault state. About 2 months ago she voluntarily cut her work hours so now there is greater disparity in our incomes.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Start keeping a journal of her contact with the children and when she is home. Do you still officially live together? Have you exposed the affair? Does she spend money frivilously? If so, keep track of that too. How are your kids doing? The older two will have a say in where they want to live, not the 5 year old, I don't think. My D is 5, my H left us and is living with POSOW. I love him and miss him but still got to keep track of everything so I don't lose everything if he doesn't come around (which I doubt he will). Have you been to a lawyer? Filing for divorce does not mean it will happen, could be a good wake up call for her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Give her plenty of rope. Let her believe she's fallen in love or fallen in hormones with this other guy. In any negotiation, the person with the greatest "want" gets screwed. I'd happily drag my heels until she believed she wanted out of the marriage. I'd drag my heels a little more until she believed her life would end if she didn't get out of the marriage and hook up with Mr. Wonderful. Then, I'd write out a custody agreement and property settlement that no sane person would ever sign and I'd watch her eagerly sign it. Right now, aren't you chillin in the house and don't you have lots of time with the kids? What's your rush? People do stupid things when they think they're in love. They don't pay attention. They don't think clearly about the future. Use this to your advantage. She's the one with the love disease, you aren't.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

You have to take a long hard look at where you are at before you file. Since you are in a no fault state and you make more money filing may not be to your advantage if you want to avoid paying high support. My recommendation:

See if she is willing to move out and live with the OM. I know it is hard to imagine that and it hurts to think about it but if that is the case she will "abandon" the marital home and the kids. Plus if she is living with another man, no spousal support (at least here in VA anyway). All problems solved.

Once she is moved out you can negotiate custody with her understanding that there will be a morality clause that will prevent the OM from being around the kids overnight. This will cause huge problems if she lives with him. Custody problem solved.

You see, it's not always cheaper to keep her but much better to pawn her off to some idiot who has no idea what he's in for. Everyone wins, you keep your house, kids, and money and she gets her OM. Oh yeah, you get the last laugh because when OM dumps her a$$ on the street she will have no legal recourse against you and you can tell her to enjoy her life of welfare, food stamps, and poverty.


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## Leading Man (Dec 11, 2012)

My wife is NOT going to voluntarily leave our home. She has this plan in her head that I will be forced to leave, we will have shared 50/50 custody, and I will pay her maybe $400 a month in maintenance. Then after the divorce, her OM can let the apartment go and he can move in with her. My big question is what does a judge use as criteria to decide who stays and who leaves? Also, should I voluntarily cut my hours so our income difference is minimal? I don't want to play games, but I feel I have only one shot to present a case with a favorable outcome for me and our kids.


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## Leading Man (Dec 11, 2012)

I have not expose this affair to anyone. Three years ago she had a full blown PA and after a couple of weeks watching the kids while she went away for the night to be with him and lying to her family about where she was, I exposed everything. This ended the affair, but made her very angry. She filed for divorce and after 8 months the divorce was dropped. She has been on the fence ever since. I think our primary problem is that we don't work on our marriage. The kids always come first. I have asked for setting regular date nights, going to counseling, etc. but she's just not receptive. 
Getting back to my point. I have found that exposing the affair only drives her farther from me. It makes it more of a mountain to get over if she does want to consider staying in the marriage.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Do you really know whether or not you want to try and save your marriage or whether you want to let her go?
Would you rather a mountain to get over or not hill to climb at all?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Leading Man,

I am not a lawyer and this is not legal advice. The answer to your question can only be answered by a local, qualified family law attorney. I can give you general guidance as to what I have seen here in Virginia. 

You need to understand a couple of important facts ASAP:

1. Your wife has now engaged in multiple physical affairs with other men. She is a serial cheater. She is planning on replacing you with him as both husband and father of your children. Her anger after exposing her comes from the fact that you popped her fantasy bubble. Your marriage is over, you need to accept that and be willing to get rid of this cheating POS or you are going to get raked over the coals in the legal system. 

2. She is planning on using either the divorce process or the DV system to have you evicted from your own home so she can execute her plan. She is a heartless, connving POS. YOU NEED TO ACT RIGHT NOW or she will be successful. 

3. If she is not successful at getting you out, expect false domestic violence charges and a restraining order in the very near future. You need to carry a voice activated recorder on you at all times while home and make sure your children are around to act as witnesses if she tries this. YOU SHOULD NEVER BE ALONE WITH HER IN THE HOME WITHOUT A VAR GOING. She should know you are recording everything she says/does to be used as evidence in the event she tries something like false DV or child abuse charges. Having said this:

A court considers many factors when deciding who will live in the marital home. The old saying of whoever gets the kids, wins. This is true in your case. Whoever gets primary custody of the kids will generally stay in the marital home and the other spouse will be forced to leave. The spouse that is forced to leave will be expected to contribute to the household even though they are not living there. Her leaving can either happen by agreement or by you filing for divorce and asking for temporary custody and temporary use of the marital home at the pendente lite hearing. If your wife files first she will most likey be successful at having you evicted. You need to speak with an attorney ASAP. She is already planning her exit which means her and OM are planning their life together. Time is now to smash that fantasy to bits. 

If you do nothing then neither of you will be forced to leave the home as you both own it. Common sense says that since she is having the affair, she leaves and the kids stay with you in the home. Your wife won't agree to leave on her own. This means legal action must be taken by you to get her out. Continued lack of action by you will result in:

1. You being evicted from your home and paying VERY HIGH spousal and child support. 

2. The OM moving in, banging your wife and raising your kids while you are reduced to an every other weekend dad. The OM will have more access to your kids than you will. They will learn to respect HIM and you will become an afterthought. Think I am kidding? Read this board to find many more men in your situation. 

Time is NOW to MAN UP, get VERY ANGRY, and show her consequences for her cheating. She wants to cake eat and you are willing to let her do it. I know all this is easier said then done but you are going to have to do it or you can just open up your wallet and start paying. 

Why would you want someone like this back anyway, she's just going to do it again in the future. CHEATERS VERY RARELY CHANGE THEIR WAYS. 

As for reducing your income, it won't matter. A court considers what you CAN be making not what you are making. They will look at your tax returns/current pay stubs to determine that number. 

Best of luck.


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