# Is it abuse or what?



## R.J.

My husband doesn't physically harm me, but he gets in my face, yell, and scream when he's angry. It's to the point where he's acting out in front of my family and friends. 

The day after Christmas, he got so upset because I was having a conversation with my sister about an abusive situation that she's in. As a result, he started yelling while driving the car and ended up pulling over on the freeway. He snatched the keys out of the ignition and before getting out of the car he yelled, "F you and your family." My family had nothing to do with the situation at all. My sister asked, "What did we do to him?" I told her that he's just feeling guilty because the topic of our conversation is "hitting too close to home." 

The sick part is that he portrays this role like he's such a mature, hardworking Christian in front of people, but really he's a dominant, controlling man that tries to intimidate.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of him at all. I'm a tough woman. When he gets crazy like that, I don't just sit there quiet and shaking like a puppy. I definitely defend myself. However, after the freeway incident I started to ask myself if I was in an abusive marriage. I was preaching to my sister about abuse, but I never realized that I may also be in an abusive situation.

We don't talk to each other much at all, but when we do if I say something he doesn't agree with or appreciate, he gets ridiculous. He never allows me to express myself at all without getting stupid or walking out of the room so I can't be heard. The marriage is deteriorated and is getting worse by the days. 

It's to the point that my family thinks he hits me, but he really doesn't. However, I'm not confident that someday he won't snap and hit me. He gets so angry and I swear I see evil in his eyes. It's like they go completely dark and there's no life in them. Again, I'm not afraid of him, but I am miserable. I'm tired of the humiliation.

Is this abuse???


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## that_girl

Yes. It's emotional and verbal abuse.

I am so sorry you live this way. I, myself, and dealing with my best friend who's husband is similar to yours. She just left his this week and is seeking aide from a Woman's Crisis Center.

Protect yourself and get out. That is not love. That is not normal or healthy.


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## AnewBeginning

R.J. said:


> However, I'm not confident that someday he won't snap and hit me. He gets so angry and I swear I see evil in his eyes. It's like they go completely dark and there's no life in them. Again, I'm not afraid of him, but I am miserable. I'm tired of the humiliation.
> 
> Is this abuse???



I have had the same thing come out of my mouth...H and I are currently separated for this reason. I feel like I have seen true evil when he gets like that. However he doesn't see that he did anything wrong. I also never thought that he would hurt me, depsite the in my face fighting and threats. Well he still hasn't hit me but he had me up against the wall one day and also drug me (holding our 2yr old son) by the shirt and threw me into the truck was the last one. I never thought he would lay a hand on me, but he did. 

In my opinion I would sit him down and tell him flat out what you are feeling and that it has to stop, Do to marriage counseling if you think he would go. Maybe he needs to see a dr about his mental state. He could be depressed (which is what the dr thinks H is). For your sake I would definately try to nip this in the bud NOW and make sure that it doesn't go any further...but yes...it IS abuse...It took me a long time to admit to that one


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## merri

My husband is the picture of responsiblity as a father but when he talks to me, it escalates to yelling and swear words and althought he has never touched me to harm me I feel intimidated and get a knot in my stomach going home from work. My points are never valid and he sneers at them and walks out of the room. So I stopped to see if we could just co-exist for a bit. I am very afraid that we are headed in the wrong direction. If I did not have an 11 year old I probably would have walked out. He has made threats about my son in moments of anger. I know since I am more prone to depression and ansxiety he thinks I'm week but lately I've noticed he has anxiety and part of this "control" is to minimize his stress.l am his second wife and we seem to be running a similiar pattern. Im sooo confused. I'm sure not one of us is to blame. I'm scared.


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## R.J.

Wow Merri. That's really serious. You said that this is his second marriage and you're seeing similar patterns??? Does this mean that he was abusive in his last marriage as well? I'm worried because you're afraid. 

@ANewBeginning, there's no talking to my husband and counseling has failed us 3 times!!! He's impossible and a bit psychotic in my opinion. I'm a woman who's able to articulate my thoughts and feelings well. However, ever since I've been married to my husband I've shut down. I stopped trying to express my feelings and concerns because it has proven pointless. He doesn't listen and he blames and blames. It's big mess!!! The sad part is that before we married, my Uncle warned me that my husband seemed like the type of man who would dominate his wife by shutting her voice down. In other words, he won't allow her to be heard and that's EXACTLY what has happened. Anytime I try to express myself he either starts yelling in my face like a maniac, storms out of the room like a child, or flips the issues and blames me for everything. Now I don't say anything at all. It's pointless.


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## AnewBeginning

R.J. it is scary how much you sound like me. I am not a person who backs down. I tend to have a "I don't take sh*t from anyone" attitude sometimes because of the crap I dealt with when I was younger. My sister and mom both said to me that they couldn't believe that I let someone walk all over me. But they have a way of making us shut down. Because you get to the point where you realize that there is not point. It is a waste of your breath because nothing you say will matter, and then you get into a pattern where you just shut down and say whatever...I hate that I did that. But I am making changes to myself, getting stronger, and vow to never let anyone make me feel like that again! If I didn't know any better i would say we were married to the same man..LOL


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## lifeissweet

My husband is very much the same way, and I have been told it is emotional and verbal abuse, so I guess it is. One day you just get so sick of it it's like you will suffocate if you don't get away. I use to not take anything from anyone either, but I have been emotionally beaten down and it can get to that point. My husband didn't lay a hand on me for years, just screaming in my face, but the past year it escalated to pushing, then pinning me down, then slapping. You would have to decide how far to let it go for yourself though. I am now scared and confused and trying to get out of my marriage. I guess I am just saying, get help for you both now before it gets to that point.


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## R.J.

AnewBeginning said:


> R.J. it is scary how much you sound like me. I am not a person who backs down. I tend to have a "I don't take sh*t from anyone" attitude sometimes because of the crap I dealt with when I was younger. My sister and mom both said to me that they couldn't believe that I let someone walk all over me. But they have a way of making us shut down. Because you get to the point where you realize that there is not point. It is a waste of your breath because nothing you say will matter, and then you get into a pattern where you just shut down and say whatever...I hate that I did that. But I am making changes to myself, getting stronger, and vow to never let anyone make me feel like that again! If I didn't know any better i would say we were married to the same man..LOL


AnewBeginning, not only would I question if we're married to the same man but I'd also question if we're the same person. Hahaha. I also DON'T take ANYTHING from anyone. I was bullied as a child and let's just say as an adult I came back with the vengence. If I felt attacked by ANYONE, I was all over them like a starving lion on red meat. Lol. However, after being with my husband I have been broken down. I completely understand what you mean by realizing there's no point. 

I've gotten tired. It has become overwhelming. He flipped out on me over Christmas because I was talking to my sister on the phone and he didn't appreciate our conversation. The conversation wasn't inappropriate AT ALL and it had absolutely nothing to do with him. However, he found a way to make it about him and went off. It was so embarrassing. My sister was in shocked at the type of mess that I have to deal with, especially considering my history (hence non-sh!t taker). I had to explain to her that it's one thing to stand up for yourself every once in awhile but it's an entirely different situation when you have to fight someone not only every day, but every second of the day too. It's hard and I can no longer do this.

On the other hand, this experience has opened my eyes to many things. It even allowed me to put my "don't take sh!t from anyone" attitude into perspective. Sometimes walking away is the same as not accepting someone's crap. You don't always have to be loud and proud to get your point across. In many cases, you can keep quiet, walk away, and leave someone feeling really stupid about themselves. I realize this now.

I'm much stronger and learning to appreciate myself even if he doesn't. It's hard because my pride, self-esteem, and confidence has been butchered being in this marriage, but I'm working towards healing and rebuilding myself.

I'm leaving my marriage. I decided this 3 months ago. I'm in the process of putting together an exit plan. I'll do this the right way and leave him with pride. I refuse to fight him any longer. I'll let him be psychotic all on his own and I won't participate in his foolishness. Currently he sleeps in one room and I in another and it's been this way for the 3 months. It's better like this. Even though it's an uncomfortable arrangement, I possess a little more peace right now. This will all be over soon and I can begin my journey to true happiness and serenity.

Goodluck to you and please be safe and strong.


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## R.J.

lifeissweet said:


> My husband is very much the same way, and I have been told it is emotional and verbal abuse, so I guess it is. One day you just get so sick of it it's like you will suffocate if you don't get away. I use to not take anything from anyone either, but I have been emotionally beaten down and it can get to that point. My husband didn't lay a hand on me for years, just screaming in my face, but the past year it escalated to pushing, then pinning me down, then slapping. You would have to decide how far to let it go for yourself though. I am now scared and confused and trying to get out of my marriage. I guess I am just saying, get help for you both now before it gets to that point.


@Lifeissweet, my husband hasn't gone to the physical abuse, but I have no doubt that it won't get to that point some day if I were to stay. The emotional and mental abuse has truly deteriorated my quality of life. He went from only being abusive behind closed doors, then in front of friends, then in public, and finally in front of my family too. He has no limitations to his disrespect and abuse.

I've grown to truly dislike him. I can't look him in the face without getting so upset. Once the respect is gone there's no relationship. As I mentioned to AnewBeginning, I'm actually leaving him in a few months. I'm putting together an exit plan and I'll be ready to implement it then. For now he sleeps in one room and I in another. We don't talk or deal with one another in any form. Finally our relationship is working (lol). 

Lifeissweet, if your husband is getting physically abusive, you must get out. I understand that you're afraid, but you must take the risk and leave. It's too dangerous to stay and I can only imagine what the abuse has done to your pride, self-esteem, and confidence. I no longer possess anything about myself. I'm going to have to start from the beginning to restart my life. I need to regain confidence and boost my self-esteem again and I think you may need to as well.

Goodluck to you and try to be safe.


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## KittyKat

R.J. said:


> @ANewBeginning, there's no talking to my husband and counseling has failed us 3 times!!! He's impossible and a bit psychotic in my opinion. I'm a woman who's able to articulate my thoughts and feelings well. However, ever since I've been married to my husband I've shut down. I stopped trying to express my feelings and concerns because it has proven pointless. He doesn't listen and he blames and blames. It's big mess!!! The sad part is that before we married, my Uncle warned me that my husband seemed like the type of man who would dominate his wife by shutting her voice down. In other words, he won't allow her to be heard and that's EXACTLY what has happened. Anytime I try to express myself he either starts yelling in my face like a maniac, storms out of the room like a child, or flips the issues and blames me for everything. Now I don't say anything at all. It's pointless.


OMG! This sounds just like my partner! She analizes everything and speaks to down to me anytime I want to express my feelings if I'm upset or curious about something she's done and turns everything around to be my fault.

Good Lord. After reading this, and reading some responses to my own post, I feel like an emotionally beat up shmuck 

My New Year's resolution was/is to stop allowing people to run all over me, including my partner. 

My only advice to you, though I'm not qualified, is to tell that jerk of a husband of yours to calm his ass down or you'll pack his bags for him.


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## merri

My husband is not violent. I feel emotionally abused but I need to learn how not to take crap. He intimidates me and I guess I let him. I am threatened by the fact that I've struggled with depression and anxiety. 
I need to be stronger. I'd like to try and save the marriage. But there has to be some way to stand up without starting a fight and if it does always start a fight then it would be a problem. But I need to feel more confident. But I cannot do this forever.


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## merri

@RJ you sound like my situation


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## harlisondavidly

AnewBeginning said:


> It is a waste of your breath because nothing you say will matter, and then you get into a pattern where you just shut down and say whatever...I hate that I did that.


Wow that sounds like me. I feel like nothing I have to say matters. Even though I did have an Emotional Affair and accept that part of my consequences is to live with however she chooses to express her pain, I still feel like nothing when she motormouths over what I have to say and won't stop for air. When she argues me into a corner that I feel I have no way out and I finally "agree" with her, I feel like a piece of crap for letting that happen to me again.


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## Texhorse

I feel your pain.

I am slightly different here, in that I am the husband. My wife and I married in the USA, and she came over to the UK to live here.

She is aggressive, has a real attitude about her and swears most of the time. She will just go mad at the slightest thing. This week, she has exploded three times.

Number 1 : We were being intimate, and I asked her if she'd back up as her hair was in my eyes. EXPLOSION. Swearing, shouting, throwing things.

Number 2 : I asked if she'd empty her ashtray from the garden table as it hasn't been done in six months. Same result. She tells her friends I am unreasonable and have emotional problems.

Number 3 : The volume on the TV was a little too high. She turned the TV off altogether, and shouted and swore at me.

Now she is packing up her things and moving back to the USA. I am gutted, as she hasn't been anything like the person I fell in love with in America. Ever since she got here, she's been a different person.

She's had an anger management course, but it hasn't made any difference. She is on anti-depressants and anxiety medicine, and yet still reacts crazily.

I try and remain calm, but I end up being dragged into the row as well. I too, am getting counselling for anger and stress, although I didn't feel either until my wife came here.

And yet I still long for the dream woman she used to be.

Am I crazy? I have tried talking, but she just switches off, as she says I am not her psychiatrist.

Is verbal abuse so common with marriage?

Thanks for reading.

Andy


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## Janie

It is abusive.

Life is much better without it.


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## testing123

I recommend the book 'the emotionally abusive relationship - how to stop being abused and how to stop abusing'. It has given me great insite into the way I was emotionally abusing my wife, and why. It is a great book for the abuser and the abused. Now I just hope that my wife will be able to work on our relationship together and be able to get over a lot of the hurt I have unintentionally caused her.  We're both in MC and IC right now, and she has not closed the door on us. A month yesterday we seperated.


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