# Holding on for dear life



## Lakesparrow (Mar 17, 2019)

Hi, I am am 42, and my husband is 48. Our kids are 20 22 24. We've weathered a lot of storms. But I think I can't see another year living the way things are. Big issues: almost 2 yrs ago he lost his job, cashed out his retirement, and I learned he hadnt paid a year and a half of taxes which I've been stuck with and had my wages garnished to pay. When he had a good job for 20 years I stood way back. I did what he said, I gave him my paycheck. house in his name, car....only medical bills and utilities in my name. now I'm struggling to cover all the bills. He works odd jobs. He won't apply for a job. He is emotionally closed off from me. always has been a stonewaller. We reconciled at his behest after his damaging affair 9 years ago. Now I wonder why he wanted me back. He refused therapy, std testing you name it.

I have been the high drive spouse, but he has really let himself go basically on a levels. At some point I stopped wanting to be rejected, then purposely focused on everything I found aversive about him, and stopped initiating. Now it has been over 5 months with no intimacy. I've always been attracted to him and I'm not now. I feel incredible anxiety when he is close to me. Also people regularly think he is my dad. I hate that. I now find myself so unplugged from intimacy that I avoid hugs and everything. I know that his neglect has broken me. I was a one man nymphomaniac before. I hate this.

I am really mad at him. for not paying the mortgage or car pmt. When I work hard to earn to do it. and he pays online and I don't have passwords. I'm mad because he's a depressed and stonewalling brat. He won't take care of his health. I've always done the fix it stuff, drywalling plumbing you name it. But he is home now. why do I need to do it all.

I've told him how I feel. and last week said this isn't working for me and I'm thinking divorce. He hasn't said a word. He's acting like I never said it. I have a soft spot for him, I don't want to see him hurt, but I'm to the point where I think he needs a totally different woman than me. And I've outgrown killing myself to communicate w him. Honestly it's his loss. It took me years to be able to say, I'm smart, beautiful, motivated, and I'm a great catch. 

So....this is me, hanging on for dear life scared to death but lonely and pretty sure it's time to stop hoping he will suddenly wake up. pretty sure I'm going to waste my life sitting here w this man who acts like his life is over. PS his testosterone Is fine and it's not ed. He just doesn't want me.


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