# Been Reading for two years, time for a question.



## Steve_W

Hi Everyone-

Ok, I'm not going bore everyone with my four page story, because I've already overcome many of the initial obstacles.

Basically my ex and I have been divorced for almost three years. we hated each other for awhile, then dated other people (each of us was in a one year relationship). She made it really hard for my son and I to have a relationship and she said a lot of nasty and partially true or untrue statements about me to him.

Anyhow, for the last 7 months or so, I have completely turned it around with my son and now he has no issues with me, tells me he loves me, enjoys being with me, etc. etc.

Further, I have come to the realization that I am completely in love with my ex-wife and always have been. For the last three months we text back and forth every day, and go out to dinner or a movie once or twice a week. I have been following the strategy...don't be really sappy, needy, etc. I have been exercising everyday and working hard so that I look good and finances are good. I pay her the $1800 child support on time every month and we are really close now. I drop hints about 'wow, that woman is hot, you should help me get with her' and she does the same kind of playful banter. In the midst of a text exchange about a month ago, I said something to the effect of 'you know that I love you' but it wasn't a big sappy thing and I think it was a good seed to plant.

A few weeks ago, my son told me that he would like to see me and the ex get back together again.

So here's my question.

#1. Should I tell my ex that my son said that?
#2. Should I write the big long heartfelt letter or just keep things going as they have been.

I'm inclined to say yes to #1 and no to #2, but I'd like to get the groups opinion.

Thanks!

Steve in Sacramento.


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## bandit.45

No. Don't. She's your ex for a reason. Move on. If she were still in love with you then why was she talking smack about you? Don't be ignorant.


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## Dude007

You probably never grieved death of the marriage since you went to other women right away. You are in the bargaining stage. So you probably aren't really in love. Just nostalgic


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## kristin2349

I agree with Bandit, she is your Ex for a reason.

With that said, if your hope is to reconcile. You are going about it all wrong IMO.

Don't say things like "wow that woman is hot, you should help me get with her" not cute, not funny and it probably reminds her why she is glad you are divorced. It is lame on so many levels. If she thinks you are still trolling for other women and you can't even ask one out like a grown up she isn't going to think you are a man worth having back in her life.

Don't use your son as a way to broach the topic of reconciliation. Again, be a man! If you want to reconcile, don't beat around the bush and drop hints, you aren't 13. Show some maturity and growth and have a conversation with her where you are honest about your feelings. 

That is just my .02.


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## Steve_W

Fair enough, but a few responses.

As for the 'that other woman is hot' comment, I only did that because she does it too, so I was trying to keep the mood light.

Second, I absolutely grieved for my marriage. After we were separated, I wasn't with anyone else for two years, since I wanted to see if we could get back together.

As for the 'she's your ex for a reason' comment. The reason we got divorced was because she wanted two kids and I wanted to have one. Now that she's turning 49 in October, she doesn't want another kid, which, quite frankly is why I think she is spending time with me again. If someone is convicted of a crime and then it turns out later that they didn't do it, we don't keep them in jail 'because they were convicted for a reason'.

Thanks for the responses!


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## SecondTime'Round

Steve_W said:


> Fair enough, but a few responses.
> 
> As for the 'that other woman is hot' comment, I only did that because she does it too, so I was trying to keep the mood light.
> 
> Second, I absolutely grieved for my marriage. After we were separated, I wasn't with anyone else for two years, since I wanted to see if we could get back together.
> 
> As for the 'she's your ex for a reason' comment. The reason we got divorced was because she wanted two kids and I wanted to have one. Now that she's turning 49 in October, she doesn't want another kid, which, quite frankly is why I think she is spending time with me again. If someone is convicted of a crime and then it turns out later that they didn't do it, we don't keep them in jail 'because they were convicted for a reason'.
> 
> Thanks for the responses!


So, at age 45 or 46, she divorced you because, what, she wanted to go find and meet someone else and have a baby while she still has her *youth*? 

Since you've been reading for 2 years, you may be familiar with my story, not sure, but my ex and I reconciled last year after being divorced for 4 years. Long story short, leopards simply do not change their spots (even if they can hide them for a while to get what they want, or what they think they want). We are now split up again.


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## Maneo

Don't use the kid as leverage point in your quest to get back together. Most kids would like to see their parents together again. I think it unfair to use the children for issues that exist between the adults.


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## Steve_W

I have changed the names, ages, etc to preserve anonymity and yes, she did leave me to find another option while she was still young. I understand the leopards don't change their spots comment, but I don't think that is applicable in this situation. If the fundamental reason for divorce is no longer applicable, then it makes reconciliation that much closer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedDude

Since you seem inclined to go for it, to answer your question...

Both of your options are lame. If you want her back, tell her. Don't use your son, don't write some long heartfelt letter. Just keep going like you are, but step it up. 

If it were me, I'd let her pursue me...not the other way around.

Goof luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

Yep, do not do #1 & #2

Do not bring your child into this. He told you something. You should not be spreading it around. And don't use him to get her back. It will back fire.

If you want to try reconciling, then just ask her out to something simple like coffee. Do it a few times and see how it goes. If it goes well, then ask for a longer date.

After a few of the coffee dates, you could just simply ask her if she ever thinks about getting back together because you do.

No long letter. No our pouring of feelings. Keep it simple.


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## Steve_W

Thank you everyone for the responses.

I will keep going as suggested. Fortunately, we have already made it past the coffee date phase as we go out once or twice a week for dinner or drinks or to a movie, in addition to the time that the three of us spend together.

I will not do either one or two and see what develops organically.

Thanks again!


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## MEM2020

Steve,
The age thing - especially HER age is critical to this theme of another child. Assuming what you said is true - she's totally over the idea of a second child - Ele gave the best advice. 

Be direct. And you have two choices, the ballsy option where you say what's true: 
- I want to get back together. 

And the cautious approach where you ask: 
- Do you ever think about getting back together?

I'll be honest. I sort of doubt that she does. A woman who wants to get back together will almost always give you cues. She may not be pushy, but she's typically clear. 

But given your strong desire, you should speak up. 






Steve_W said:


> Thank you everyone for the responses.
> 
> I will keep going as suggested. Fortunately, we have already made it past the coffee date phase as we go out once or twice a week for dinner or drinks or to a movie, in addition to the time that the three of us spend together.
> 
> I will not do either one or two and see what develops organically.
> 
> Thanks again!


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## Orange_Pekoe

Steve, I think you should tell her how you feel directly. Not a big long heart-felt letter because she might just ignore it...and not tell her "our son said we should get together".

I think it's clear from your comments that you want to get back together with her, and feel the original issues that caused your divorce no longer exist. Nobody else can judge that for you, only you. So if you truly want her back and feel it will work this time, then be straightforward and honest. Have a candid conversation. In the conversation you can eventually be heart-felt and tell her that you still love her, and also mention that your son does want you together. It's the truth and there is nothing wrong conveying the truth. You're not using your son to win her over.

Good luck. Be very sure before you take the next step.


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## Steve_W

Gang-

Meeting her Thursday. Fingers crossed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Don't say anything. You will know when the time is right to tell her how you feel. Now is not the time. Keep dating her and take it slow.


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