# 7 months later and back to square 1. Time to go?



## Gerrard (Aug 25, 2014)

Scenario: I’m 30 right now. My wife’s 33. Been together 7 years. 6 of those years very happy. Married for nearly 3 years. No kids. 

Here’s the back story from 6 months ago, but I though this is a separate discussion


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...reconsidering-us-im-complete-wreck-about.html

In July last year she had to have a fairly major operation to eradicate a fibroid and endometriosis – conditions linked to the female ‘system’. At the same time her behaviour went quite strange. Staying at work on Fridays late. Seeming disinterested. Eventually it came out that there was an emotional connection built with a guy at work. And around the same time she said some horrible things to me. Things like she never wants to kiss me, she doesn’t really miss me when I’m away, that I’m not a big guy and she wants a big guy, how she sees me more as a friend than an intimate partner, that she never really wants me physically, but goes along with it. Obviously all this shook me, but I decided to stay, work through it and get through it. She was going through a terrible, emotional time, which played a role. After a few weeks we did make things right, things got back to almost normal. The thing with the guy at work faded, and she admitted it was silly and that it would never actually work with them together. And he’s long gone to Australia. 

But obviously from the things she said I still had resentment. After a while they seemed to really hurt. It’s worth mentioning that we’ve always been really good together. Same sense of humour, values, same likes, tastes etc. We’d recently got to a point where we’re ready for buying a house and having kids. All really exciting for me. We’d even made plans for her to quit her job this July and start her full time photography business. Our one issue was usually over her not really initiating intimacy at all. I often seemed the only one interested. But we made that work. But even though we recovered from that episode last July, in the months that followed fought a lot, and I suppose it was down to me feeling that she was not quite right. She’s stopped putting effort in, like doing the little things. She never compliments me anymore. She never tries to make a connection or find quality time. Our sex life became horribly one sided with me wanting and her just obliging. In short, she doesn’t seem to want to put the effort in and make it work. The fighting was maybe my fault, but it was because I felt alienated, side-lined. 

So last week after a series of fights and me knowing something was badly wrong, I pushed her to tell me. She said she’s reconsidering (again!), and that she just is unsure about her life path, about us. Once again she said she feels like we’re just good friends and feels no passion for us. That she feels unfulfilled and unhappy. She’s thinking of going overseas for a while to her mother to figure is all out. But she keeps saying she loves me. My point to her is always that in any marriage, sharing values, sense of humour, interests is more important than passion, because passion fades, inevitably. We’ve got all the basics for a great long term relationship. Perhaps I’ve been wrong all along. 

When this happened in July I vowed that if she ever did this to me again I’d walk. And I think maybe it’s time to do that. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live under the strain of uncertainty. But man, it scares me. I’d built a life around her, had plans for kids, long term happiness. All crushed. I love her. Still. What scares me more is that I’m fairly new in this city I’m in and have no friends here. No network I can easily slip into. No support structures. I’d be completely and utterly alone. But I’m feeling more and more that I deserve someone who appreciates me, actually wants me, emotionally and physically. And maybe I need to hurt for a year or two and rebuild myself. 

I’m 30, pretty successful, good looking. I’d be a pretty good find for a woman. But man, it’s all just so scary. Its worth mentioning again, that we've always been great together up to July last year. Her family loves me, I like them. It just works, well. At least it did. Is this worth still fighting for, or is now the time to make a clean break. Do I wait for her in the hope that she comes around, properly this time? Or should we separate in the hope that will do some good?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

How do you know it didn't go physical with your wife? I think you should end it by the way. She is a flake.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Look Gerrard - its pretty clear from what you have said that she is just not into you. She will continue to seek out excitement from elsewhere, other "big" mountain-climbing men! You are a friend, a stable partner but that is not all she needs and that is the decision she is trying to make at the moment.

She is not trying to decide whether she can fall in love with you (if she ever was). She is trying to decide whether she can remain married to you while lusting after other men. Even if she gets to have affairs with these men, she knows that it is only a matter of time before she falls in love with one of them. And again, she is not trying to be fair to you - just to herself.

She can only reach one conclusion - that is to leave you and find someone she is attracted to while she is still fairly young and childless. But her clock is ticking so it has to be pretty soon for her. Which is why this issue will come up again and again.

You need to see this for what it is. Not only is she a cheater (EAs are affairs) but she is also not honest with you. If she is reconsidering again, there may well be another man or the last one has resurrected itself again. And if ever she says that she definitely wants to move out or separate or divorce, know that she now has another man to go to.

I would strongly recommend you start taking the advice you have been given here. If you had listened to Weightlifter in your last thread, I am betting that you would know for sure what is going on in her head.

Start making plans to split and thank your lucky stars you found out when you did - before kids or wasting any more of your precious time with her..


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## Gerrard (Aug 25, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> Look Gerrard - its pretty clear from what you have said that she is just not into you. She will continue to seek out excitement from elsewhere, other "big" mountain-climbing men! You are a friend, a stable partner but that is not all she needs and that is the decision she is trying to make at the moment.
> 
> She is not trying to decide whether she can fall in love with you (if she ever was). She is trying to decide whether she can remain married to you while lusting after other men. Even if she gets to have affairs with these men, she knows that it is only a matter of time before she falls in love with one of them. And again, she is not trying to be fair to you - just to herself.
> 
> ...


Thanks. Good advice. I never really embraced the 180 properly, but now its time. And not for the marriage, but for myself.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

She may or may not love you. It is quite possible to love someone in a way that you care about them but you don't have that romantic love feeling. So perhaps this is where she is at with you.

You are plenty young still. Your dreams with her might be crushed, but you can have all those things with some other woman who is really passionate about you.

Divorce doesn't require either of you to hate the other. It sounds like you have a one sided relationship, where she just doesn't feel the same about you as you do about her.

Here's what I would do if I were you.
1) Seek personal self improvement. I didn't read your other thread so I don't know what you're doing already. Eat healthy, cut out the junk food, tobacco, sugar, sodas, etc. Reduce alcohol to minimal amounts. Exercise regularly. Improve your wardrobe, haircut, and basic grooming. Reduce tv and other time wasters. Do more of the things you really love, such as building model airplanes, hiking in the woods, volunteer Habitat for Humanity, etc.
2) Find a good experienced marriage counselor. Ask your wife to go with you, but if she doesn't then you just go by yourself. Your wife may end up going. The goal is not to save your marriage at all costs, but to come to a calm respectful agreement on whether this marriage is a good fit for both of you.
3) Talk with a divorce atty to get the lay of the land where you live. How does the process work? Is there spousal support? Is mediation required? How much does it cost? Can you both use the same atty if you are in agreement on the issues? Most attorneys will give you a free consult, 10 to 30 minutes, either on the phone or in person. You can get these basic questions answered.
4) Make sure to take charge yourself of not getting her pregnant. Whatever it takes. Don't be shy about it, she should be in agreement that now is not the time to get pregnant.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I gave you this advice 7 months ago:



Synthetic said:


> *When a wife tells you she's not sure if she's ever been attracted to you after only 2 years of marriage and no kids, you simply file for divorce and dump the b1tch.
> 
> Affair or no affair it doesn't matter. You're only 29 for crying out loud. Loads of opportunities to live a happy life and you're settling for this crap?! sigh...
> 
> Run and dodge the bullet while you can. Tomorrow will be late. *



I strongly suggest you read my long thread in the private section. It's called *"I should just divorce her..."*. I have been in your shoes before (for years) and am on the other side now. I speak from fresh experience. You can't imagine what a positive turn in life awaits you once you decide to get yourself out of this rut.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

when life hands you lemons, break out the flame thrower and fix it. in this case, your freedom.


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