# Do EA's ever pan out?



## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

So, I've recently (dday less than 3 months ago) been extremely hurt by my wife of 5+ years, we have 2 kids and we've been trying to reconcile, seeing an MC and doing what we can....
She was pure evil in what she did to me, and through lack of self esteem and self loathing, I came running back to her, thinking my world had crumbled..

Now, I'm in a bit of an email EA with a girl I've known for a similar amount of time, the only reason we didn't hook up back then is because she was in a relationship, and we where all friends.
We recently bumped into each other, and a brief drunken conversation had reignited the passion we felt years ago. We live a looong way from each other and she too is in an unhappy marriage.
We have so much in common, and I feel like a new man... because of this forum, I'm strangely aware that what I'm doing appears to be an EA, and because I've read 'no more Mr Nice Guy' I'm aware I have a tendency to go after unavailable women... but I have never felt so good, am I in some kind of fog?
I don't want my wife right now, she's being just as horrid to me as she was before she sought comfort in some other man. I feel a distinct lack of guilt, because of how bad she treated me, but I'm so confused about what I'm doing!

Please don't hate me :/


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

What is the history? What has your wife done to hurt you, ea or pa? Kill this relationship that you have with this new woman. It is unhealthy and will only open a gate of need for this woman and a disconnectiong from your wife. 

Stop being selfish, you are on a volatile path to becoming an addict. Addicted to this ego boost, to this rush, and your mind will want more and more until it turns physical, then when one is not enough you'll want more and more. 

Its a corruptive path that spirals downward neverending unless YOU STOP it. Stop all contact, get a new email a new phone or w/e methods you have contacted the person with and IGNORE ALL FUTURE CONTACT. 

You say you have been extremely hurt by your wife, you're worse, you didn't learn from what she did to you and now you are doing what she has done AFTER THE fact that you know what it feels like.

That is worse.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Your moral high ground is slipping and you know it.It's up to you how you want to be as you know from reading this site.If your marriage is no good be firm in how you handle it or move on.Don't get involved in someone's marriage or you become what I assume you despise...the OM.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

EA will sabotage your reconciliation if that's what you really want. Depending on the history of your wife's affair I may not be for reconciliation anyway.

In general though an EA with you marred and the OW married and long distance is destined to go nowhere. Inability to meet her is probably a good thing for you but remember this OW has a husband and he may be a good guy no matter what she says about him. I don't think you want to help her do to him what your wife did to you. This self esteem boost may however be a good thing but the EA is not.


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

She had a brief affair, sex on (apparently) just one occasion, face to face 3 times, and a handful of texts.
Since reconciling, I believe she has tried to contact him at least once, and she has been caught out lying at least twice since she promised no more lies.
I don't want to deliberately hurt her, and I don't want to ruin this other marriage, but from what I hear it's not exactly a bed of roses, she's as miserable as me!


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

I know how you feel, you want to cake eat too, have your fun too, I mean she did it, so I should too. Well the only reason you want to do it is probably because you did not demand enough from her, and/or lay enough consequences for her actions. Cheating is intolerable, she needs to become the wife from before TIMES 3!!!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, my wife and I began as an EA... though more like "just best friends" teasing each other senseless while I was with my gf at that time. We would have remained friends if my ex wasn't so abusive and putting me through emotional blackmails just to keep me.

My wife and I did not have a physical affair, either than some rather questionable touchy flirts. We remained within our boundaries but the emotions and passion was always strong. In fact, she was always trying to help me and my ex solve our issues, and I was hoping she could change but it never happened.

So it can work out

However, in your case, your "friend" is taken


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> I know how you feel, you want to cake eat too, have your fun too, I mean she did it, so I should too. Well the only reason you want to do it is probably because you did not demand enough from her, and/or lay enough consequences for her actions. Cheating is intolerable, she needs to become the wife from before TIMES 3!!!


YES!
Not push me out the door, and scream at me! This last time I had no idea why she was even mad at me, but apparently I wasn't man enough to accept responsibility for it.....

I open my emails and there's an email telling me how much she's missed me since the night before...

It is v-e-r-y hard to say the first sentence is what I want???


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

If you are going to pursue this EA, tell you W that you want a separation, be truthful with her why, and move on. Your should never have to beg a wayward to stay married. She never had any consequences doesn't respect you and will or is going to cheat on you again. You marriage is toxic, either fix it the right way or get out.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Decide if you want to continue with your wife after her affair.......... If yes reconcile, If no divorce......... Then find you an unattached female........ Remember this, if she will have an EA with you while with her H. She most likely will have another Ea/PA if you guys were to get together........."what goes around comes around"


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

BeenHurt said:


> but from what I hear it's not exactly a bed of roses, she's as miserable as me!


She may be re-writing her marital history,something your own wife probably did with the OM.Even if she isn't,who's to say her marriage can't be recovered? Shouldn't they work out their marriage or not without outside interference? Isn't that what you want for your own marriage?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

BeenHurt said:


> YES!
> Not push me out the door, and scream at me! This last time I had no idea why she was even mad at me, but apparently I wasn't man enough to accept responsibility for it.....
> 
> I open my emails and there's an email telling me how much she's missed me since the night before...
> ...


Let me tell you it is extremely difficult to remain faithful even after the fact of betrayal. Betrayal is such a hard hit and for you to remain strong is something that most people can marvel at if they really think about it. You need to boost your self esteem on that issue, take HEALTHY pride in the fact that you have not acted in a PA but take healthy pride also in the fact that you are acting very deviantly in this EA. 

You are too good for this EA, do not use this woman, do not let her use you. Tell her you will stop and end the affair, do not remain freinds. You should focus on your marriage as she should do the same, tell her you will tell her husband if she does not stop contact etc, if it gets out of hand.

Focus on yourself, your wife needs to know that she is disgusting, repulsive, vile, that you gross out when you see her, when she touches you, she cheated and she changed you and she needs to change herself to become a better person than before for your marriage. She chose wrong, she chose to stab the marriage, corrupt it, she chose to cake eat and fall, let herself be susceptible.

No more girls night out, sleep overs, luncheons with friends of opposite sex, no running buddies of opposite sex, nothing. Those privelages are for spouses who have not given a reason not to trust. She has broken it and it will ALWAYS be different and she needs to realize that she has changed the MARRIAGE FOREVER!


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Your wife is sweeping this under the rug and there's been no R yet. Just false R. If you want your marriage to work then you'll have to do something different. What you're doing now is not working.
> 
> In regards to what you hear just imagine what your wife's OM hears about you. You can't believe it.


Exactly. She needs to be at your feet begging for you, and accepting all your demands. R, like a foundation, needs proper footings,proper compaction, and concrete, for the R to start. 

First and foremost, NC means no contact, no smoke signals, sos etc etc etc

She is addicted. Be a strong man, don't focus on this EA because it will only make you a doormat and she will CONTINUE TO GIVE YOU THE MUSHROOM TREATMENT for as long as you keep accepting it!


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

BeenHurt said:


> She had a brief affair, sex on (apparently) just one occasion, face to face 3 times, and a handful of texts.
> Since reconciling, I believe she has tried to contact him at least once, and she has been caught out lying at least twice since she promised no more lies.
> I don't want to deliberately hurt her, and I don't want to ruin this other marriage, but from what I hear it's not exactly a bed of roses, she's as miserable as me!


Beware of the trickle truth. Cheaters are liars. They will minimize, justify, blame shift, gas light, etc. They will only give you what is necessary for you to stop asking questions and stop asking for the whole truth.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Statistically, no. They don't. So if you leave your WIFE for SOMEONE ELSE'S *WIFE*, chances are it will fail.

I had an EA and I know what you are going through. Your W seems to want to clean the ground you walk on with bleach while the person on the phone/IM/email is always _just so charmging!_

Because she can't give you 'tone'. She can't say 'whatever'.

First, let's focus on the postives. Your FRIEND has given you some very useful information: You are still desirable, charming and not a miserable piece of scum. 

She has given you a (reasonably) objective perspective on yourself outside of the toxic environment that your wife is creating.

Good for you! This may give you some self respect. It should!

Next, it also makes clear the difference between a *healthy* relationship and what you are int. Do you feel it? Imagine feeling that with your wife EVERYDAY without the guilt. Feels pretty 
good, doesn't it?

You can have something like that! Not to the same degree as your FRIEND, because EAs are fantasy. But you can have a very close semblence to that!

Now the magic question is: how do you get there?

You are, by your vows before God and Man, obliged to give your wife a chance to become that woman. ONE LAST CHANCE.

So lay down the law, keep to your principles and boundaries, and hold the line. She will capitulate or not. So SHE is making the choice.

You need to stop being friends for this woman because SHE also made vows before God and Man about her husband. Now, their marriage may fail. Your marriage may fail. But if you both aren't 'all in' regarding the marriage, it won't work.

Your wife isn't coming around it seems so you need to start arranging finances and talking to lawyers. Actually, you need to do that RIGHT NOW. Nothing says "I am serious" like your wife getting a 'decline' from her ATM card because you've looted the account into your own and redirected your check.

Nothing says "This is serious" like brochures from a lawyer.

Do a 180, stop having sex with her, cut this woman out (for now Both of you may be free agents WAY down the road, but don't you murder her marriage...or yours)

Good luck


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Well you're on that 'edge' are'nt you ? - I could be kind and I can see there's a view of empathy that many might have ...but not me 

The 'edge' of the precipice you would never want to be on and would not want to put some other man on either 

You know what it feels like to be on the end of this sh*t and for you to contemplate putting another innocent family through that is frankly disgusting

When your wife 'did' you, it came like a truck i bet you did'nt know and wham you picked up the wreckage and it hurt/s like hell

Well for you to inflict that on some other poor bastard whilst you know exactly what this stuff does to people familiy etc is really appalling 

You want the other woman then see if she leaves her H and you leave yours then fullfill your 'love' 'fog' otherwise it's hell on earth for everybody 

Btw havent you also learnt that every OM/OW marriage is "on the rocks" and "she/he does'nt understand / support me" "blah blah blah"

No sorry I can't be nice about it - it's really immensely irritating - fksakes get a grip


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

It's not as simple as that, when I read 'can you feel it I thought YES but then it went to God. I don't care if there is a god or not, my wife who I gave my life to and did what I could to give her what she wanted, had sex with some **** because I didnt love her enough, in reality it's that she won't let herself be loved. 
This OM sounds like a completely controlling egotistical jerk, and outside of the dream world I'm inclined to believe it.
My wife did what she did, I don't want to 180 anymore, it's only a lie, 180 to get someone is a 360 doesn't matter what I do she treats me like I'm worth nothing, she's broke me down to the point of being so submissive that I collapsed when she was ****ing someone else, how can I let that go??????!

She makes me feel completely differently, I don't want it to end, but I accept the unlikelyhood of us being together, not that it is not 100% what I want, but what if I use the fact that I have this view of what it's like, I only feel bad when I'm trying to impress the woman I wanted to impress. Now I feel alive just talking about me with someone who is dying to know more. I got told how gorgeous I was, by the person I've always considered as unbelievably beautiful. My wife hasn't told me how good I looked in as long as I remember. I feel like I can be happy, I want to be happy..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

BeenHurt said:


> It's not as simple as that, when I read 'can you feel it I thought YES but then it went to God. I don't care if there is a god or not, my wife who I gave my life to and did what I could to give her what she wanted, had sex with some **** because I didnt love her enough, in reality it's that she won't let herself be loved.
> This OM sounds like a completely controlling egotistical jerk, and outside of the dream world I'm inclined to believe it.
> My wife did what she did, I don't want to 180 anymore, it's only a lie, 180 to get someone is a 360 doesn't matter what I do she treats me like I'm worth nothing, she's broke me down to the point of being so submissive that I collapsed when she was ****ing someone else, how can I let that go??????!
> 
> ...


You *CAN* be happy. But you can't be happy and guilt free with this woman.

Find someone who is like your Emotional Adulterer and single. Be with THAT woman.

Leave your wife. That's a given. Why should you be treated like dirt?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

BeenHurt said:


> I feel like I can be happy, I want to be happy..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



at what cost?

mmm... sorry but that's spoken like a true wayward spouse who's just entered the fog ..........christ sakes

I'm out of this thread now or I know I'll get banned judging on recent moderator behavior


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

JCD I need the confidence this brings, I feel great but it's because I'm learning that there is this other way of living, it doesn't have to be like this all the time. I haven't learnt it though, she is everything my wife is not, she is the kind of person I want to spend my time with. We have a connection that's been there for years, we have so much in common, we are like a perfect match. I spent my time neglecting myself, and I'm having trouble differentiating between acting on what I feel and what I'm supposed to want. I only want one thing right now.
I'm sorry Headspin I definitely don't want you to get banned, I'm admitting that I seem to be entering this fog you all talk about, I'm not trying to hurt anyone, I'm very confused.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

BeenHurt said:


> JCD I need the confidence this brings, I feel great but it's because I'm learning that there is this other way of living, it doesn't have to be like this all the time. I haven't learnt it though, she is everything my wife is not, she is the kind of person I want to spend my time with. We have a connection that's been there for years, we have so much in common, we are like a perfect match. I spent my time neglecting myself, and I'm having trouble differentiating between acting on what I feel and what I'm supposed to want. I only want one thing right now.
> I'm sorry Headspin I definitely don't want you to get banned, I'm admitting that I seem to be entering this fog you all talk about, I'm not trying to hurt anyone, I'm very confused.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Look, I feel for you man. I had a long distance EA with this great girl. She wasn't evil, she wasn't intending on starting an affair, she was gentle, kind understanding. If I said something that upset her, she dug out the truth to make sure she saw where I was coming from. She TRIED to understand me.

But she wasn't my wife. She was someone elses. He didn't care. After all, we were just 'friends'. My wife, at the time, was showing none of those characteristics (though she, to my knowledge, never had an affair and didn't disrespect me as blatantly as your wife seems to have)

I loved my family AND I loved this woman. Not in the 'count the legs and divide by two' manner, but her dreams, emotions and aspirations all meant a great deal to me. I couldn't wait to get in touch with her everyday...and even to this day, I miss her.

But she wasn't my wife!

Right now, you are confused. You are just starting to pull your head out and this woman seems to be the only lifeline that you have to love, self respect and hot monkey sex.

I'm reminded of that scene in Kevin Costner's 'Robin Hood' where Robin is holding Little John from 'drowning'. The problem was, all Little John needed to do was stand on his own two feet to see that Robin wasn't the only thing saving him.

Until you can stand on your own two feet, you aren't worthy of anyone. So do this the right way. Divorce your shrew of a wife, find a life and THEN see what the future brings.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

BeenHurt said:


> JCD I need the confidence this brings, I feel great but it's because I'm learning that there is this other way of living, it doesn't have to be like this all the time. I haven't learnt it though, she is everything my wife is not, she is the kind of person I want to spend my time with. We have a connection that's been there for years, we have so much in common, we are like a perfect match. I spent my time neglecting myself, and I'm having trouble differentiating between acting on what I feel and what I'm supposed to want. I only want one thing right now.
> I'm sorry Headspin I definitely don't want you to get banned, I'm admitting that I seem to be entering this fog you all talk about, I'm not trying to hurt anyone, I'm very confused.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


BeenHurt

You are going to get hurt again and in the end hurt someone else that you really like.

Do not go down that path.

Your wife has done a number on you and you need a pick me up.

What you don't realize is that only you can pick yourself up. No one can do this for you.

So STOP.

Clean up your marriage, make a committment to fix it or kill it.

If your W is not remorseful but you still love her go see an attorney, learn about your rights.

Then go home, sit your wife down and tell her what you want.

Have a plan and stick to it. Stay calm, emotionless.

The crap stops when you stop it.

What will it be???


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

I want to be able to use the feelings I have now to be able to have the strength to leave my wife. I feel like I can be happy, but it's in this dream world, when I open my eyes from this it's going to be back to feeling so depressed I can't think straight. I made someone laugh with 3 things in a row, I'm in a spectacularly good mood, if this is part of the rollercoastering I'm going to be very pissed off! 
I don't know what it'll be, I can't answer that when my judgement seems to be wayyy off.
JCD I don't want to miss her in the years ahead, I've missed her from the years before. My thoughts on the OM in my sad story aren't of hatred, I've wanted to **** the guy up, but only to deal with my insecurities from the fallout.
I can sympathise with people that are in my shoes, if she was here saying how her husband treated her, what would you be saying? We have a link to a dream world but a link to what the reality could be, the happiness, what I wanted with my wife, who still has a hold over me. 
I can see a future with her, I don't want to turn my back on what could be something pretty awesome.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

BeenHurt said:


> I want to be able to use the feelings I have now to be able to have the strength to leave my wife. I feel like I can be happy, but it's in this dream world, when I open my eyes from this it's going to be back to feeling so depressed I can't think straight. I made someone laugh with 3 things in a row, I'm in a spectacularly good mood, if this is part of the rollercoastering I'm going to be very pissed off!
> I don't know what it'll be, I can't answer that when my judgement seems to be wayyy off.
> JCD I don't want to miss her in the years ahead, I've missed her from the years before. My thoughts on the OM in my sad story aren't of hatred, I've wanted to **** the guy up, but only to deal with my insecurities from the fallout.
> I can sympathise with people that are in my shoes, if she was here saying how her husband treated her, what would you be saying? We have a link to a dream world but a link to what the reality could be, the happiness, what I wanted with my wife, who still has a hold over me.
> ...



Red 26!

What do I mean? A roulette wheel has 38 bets, which means that any single number has around a 3% chance of a jackpot.

Now, go out and put all your money from all your accounts on Red 26. Do you feel secure? No?

Those are the odds of you making this work.

But maybe you WILL be the 3%. It isn't as grim as betting your life, but it is as grim as betting all the money you have right now, with your car and house thrown in.

Does that seem a wise bet?

I'm trying to be rational here but you are not rational. You are in emotion land. Now, you can let your reason take charge or your endorphines. 

Let us know what you choose. So far, MANY people have told you 'no'. And yet you still ask the question...


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

BeenHurt said:


> Do EA's ever pan out?


Yes. So do lottery tickets. 

Of course lottery tickets don't require that you sign over your soul to buy the slim chance in hell that you will win. When you miss the winning numbers, the lotto guys don't usually come knocking for their pound of flesh and drop off your lifetime of guilt either.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Is this friend going to leave her husband too?


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

BeenHurt said:


> I want to be able to use the feelings I have now to be able to have the strength to leave my wife. I feel like I can be happy, but it's in this dream world, when I open my eyes from this it's going to be back to feeling so depressed I can't think straight. I made someone laugh with 3 things in a row, I'm in a spectacularly good mood, if this is part of the rollercoastering I'm going to be very pissed off!
> I don't know what it'll be, I can't answer that when my judgement seems to be wayyy off.
> JCD I don't want to miss her in the years ahead, I've missed her from the years before. My thoughts on the OM in my sad story aren't of hatred, I've wanted to **** the guy up, but only to deal with my insecurities from the fallout.
> I can sympathise with people that are in my shoes, if she was here saying how her husband treated her, what would you be saying? We have a link to a dream world but a link to what the reality could be, the happiness, what I wanted with my wife, who still has a hold over me.
> ...


Sorry coming in here a little late. You say that there is an EA going on. How can you from a few emails think that there is a golden future for the two of you based off limited contact, the deceit that is going on, and that you have no idea what this person is really like behind closed doors. Granted that you have known her for a while but really this person is having an EA with you on her husband. It does not exactly scream morals of either of you.
You need to back off and deal with your marriage whether that is to dissolve it or stay in it but that has to be handled first. Yes the EA is giving you a high and confidence but it is also making you no better then you WS. You need to put your self into check before you regret everything you are thinking about doing.
Stop having this EA because there is her husband to consider as well. You are the OM in this and that is sad. So you get to be a double winner,meaning that you are a BS and the OM. Please just stop and pull back and think in reality not in EA fantasy or Fog if you will.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Step one is to divorce your cheating, abusive wife.

Like it or not you are now the OM who is interfering in a marriage you do not belong in. Stop this now. Tell your GF that you are doing to her husband what was done to you by your wife's OM and you are ashamed. Back off and let them settle their problems one way or another. Remember how your wife abused and lied about you and tried to blame all the problems of your marriage on you? Could your GF be doing the same to her husband? She is making him sound like a **** to you - the exact same thing your wife did to you. 

You keep saying you do not want to hurt anyone, then comes the "BUT", and you proceed to tell all the justifications you feel to do exactly what you say you want to avoid.

Get the divorce then back off and be alone for some time until the smoke settles. If your GF divorces her husband without your prompting, then maybe in a few months you two can begin to talk.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

You need to cut this cheating shyte out now.

On top of what has already been said, your EA's hubby may show up at your door with an aluminum bat.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I think life in general is a two way street.

- You could realize your wife has no excuse what so ever for cheating which means you also do not have an excuse for your EA.
or
- You could take the emotions that are driving you into account and realize your wife had emotions that drove her actions as well.

I choose option #1. Hold your wife and yourself accountable. Now there is another option You could say that your wife was wrong but that your EA is not. Since I'm a "two way street" kind of guy though, I don't buy it.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I don't want to ruin this other marriage, but from what I hear it's not exactly a bed of roses, she's as miserable as me!


Excuses, bull. That boat already sailed. You are now succeding at being a homewrecker. No way to spin it.


> I need the confidence this brings, I feel great but it's because I'm learning that there is this other way of living, it doesn't have to be like this all the time. I haven't learnt it though, she is everything my wife is not, she is the kind of person I want to spend my time with.


Be a man, divorce you abusive, unrepetant wife, drop MOW cold turkey. Find that happyness you can now envision away from your wife with a single, aviable woman.

Stop bullsh!tting yourself. Grow a pair and start behaving like a man by refusing being a doormat but also an intruder in some else marriage.
You are not different thant your wife. Not at all.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

So you do realize that your wife is the OW and you are the OM. This is exactly how it happened to them.... was that real... cause they certainly felt it just like you are. Did your wife's OM have every right to continue with her cause she keeped telling him how bad you are and how good he was. Do you think he might of actually questioned if this is real and "ohhh it has to be" " I want to be happy" and "we are the perfect match".... screw the husband (YOU).... you are no different as him and the OW is no different then you wife..... how Ironic.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

You're coming here asking if it'd be good if you start a relationship with a woman's whose already married. 

I think you know how much your head is in the sand on this one, but you want to know that if you leap in, will she leap in after you. 

Fact is, you CAN'T know. Emails are fantasy. 

Until you're around a person for most of the day you don't know much about their character. What you do know now, is that when shes unhappy in a marriage she is open to the idea of emailing and starting EAs with other men. 

If someone will cheat with you, whats to stop them cheating on you?

Also cut the bullsh!t. "I want to be happy" I don't want to hear that crap, and you shouldn't lie to yourself. You want to be in the marriage for the security it brings so don't bring some 'poor ole me' crap into this. All you want currently is an escape from taking definite action against your wife, and you're willing to destroy a family to get it, so don't expect any sympathy. 

If you want to have a relationship with other people, then have the balls to divorce your wife first and move on.

Then you have all the freedom in the world.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

BeenHurt said:


> It's not as simple as that, when I read 'can you feel it I thought YES but then it went to God. I don't care if there is a god or not, my wife who I gave my life to and did what I could to give her what she wanted, had sex with some **** because I didnt love her enough, in reality it's that she won't let herself be loved.
> This OM sounds like a completely controlling egotistical jerk, and outside of the dream world I'm inclined to believe it.
> My wife did what she did, I don't want to 180 anymore, it's only a lie, 180 to get someone is a 360 doesn't matter what I do she treats me like I'm worth nothing, she's broke me down to the point of being so submissive that I collapsed when she was ****ing someone else, how can I let that go??????!
> 
> ...


Then divorce her. Do not do to another man what has been done to you. That just makes you twice as sucky as your WW.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Sorry, I think I'm piling on here, but dude, just divorce your unrepentant cheating wife already. Everything else -- especially having an EA -- is GUTLESS. 

You need to get your head straight and only then can you heal -- alone. Be available, legally, physically, and emotionally before you get involved with anyone again.

It's not okay to self medicate with other people. Ever.


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

I don't know if I have what it takes to do this without being made to feel like I'm worth something.
I know, all your comments tell me what I already know, but I feel like the good guys always finish last, I'm sick of it.

The OM and my wife wasn't quite like this, she told him we had divorced, and he just wanted to dump his load, it was all meaningless, he woed her with sweet talk, and played her into sex with him.
That's not what I'm trying to do!


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

BeenHurt said:


> I don't know if I have what it takes to do this without being made to feel like I'm worth something.
> I know, all your comments tell me what I already know, but I feel like the good guys always finish last, I'm sick of it.
> 
> The OM and my wife wasn't quite like this, she told him we had divorced, and he just wanted to dump his load, it was all meaningless, he woed her with sweet talk, and played her into sex with him.
> That's not what I'm trying to do!


No. You are going to a man and wife and trying to TAKE the wife. You still seem to think that allows you to wear the 'Good Guy' hat. It doesn't.

What you need is help. Find someone to help you. A friend, a counselor, someone besides someone else's wife.

The other man's wife has told you you are worth something. Bank that! You know that now. Do you need to have her say it to you every single day? Then make a recording and get on with your life without the wife stealing.

At this point, your wife's OM was dealing in better faith than you are right now!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> The OM and my wife wasn't quite like this, she told him we had divorced, and he just wanted to dump his load, it was all meaningless, he woed her with sweet talk, and played her into sex with him.
> That's not what I'm trying to do!


Sure not. Your is way more. It's luuurv. What makes it... better?, right?, healthy? unselfish?
Man, you are so deep in the fog. Do you really think this "but it's love" defense means a sh1t?
Are your serious about it? Really?


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

> but I feel like the good guys always finish last, I'm sick of it.


The good guys get divorced. The good guys don't eat cake.

Because not finding your guts and divorcing, but instead taking the easier road of an EA to get your ego kibbles and warm fuzzies is a kind of cake eating, just like a cheater.

If you're sooo unhappy in your marriage then END IT. Same with Ms. EA over there. 

What? Hey? No one is calling the lawyers and writing those big, terrible checks? Then it is CAKE. Big heaps o' cake with coward frosting and gutless sprinkles.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

BeenHurt said:


> I don't know if I have what it takes to do this without being made to feel like I'm worth something.
> I know, all your comments tell me what I already know, but I feel like the good guys always finish last, I'm sick of it.
> 
> The OM and my wife wasn't quite like this, she told him we had divorced, and he just wanted to dump his load, it was all meaningless, he woed her with sweet talk, and played her into sex with him.
> That's not what I'm trying to do!


Unless you find strength in yourself and not from whoever loves you, you're in for more of the same. I'm a nice guy and freaking proud of it. I'm extra nice until treated poorly then not so nice anymore. Doormats and needy people and emotionally weak people, finish last but you don't have to be that. 

Only one way out of your predicament. Like yourself and decide you deserve better. If others have to validate you then don't plan on happiness soon.


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> If others have to validate you then don't plan on happiness soon.


I get that, but what the hell to do with it? Feels like I have a ball, but I don't know if I'm supposed to kick it, throw it, bounce it, pop it, sit on it.....


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

BeenHurt said:


> I get that, but what the hell to do with it? Feels like I have a ball, but I don't know if I'm supposed to kick it, throw it, bounce it, pop it, sit on it.....


Bullshyte!

We've told you what to do with the ball. Bounce it out of the wife's court and stop playing volleyball with the hot (MARRIED) girl next door.

Find a wall and play by yourself for a while until someone comes along to play with you.

If you arrange joint divorces with the other woman, *you are wrong!*

Get your own damned divorce. Get IC. Date. Let EA live her own life.


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

JCD said:


> Bullshyte!
> 
> We've told you what to do with the ball. Bounce it out of the wife's court and stop playing volleyball with the hot (MARRIED) girl next door.
> 
> ...


Ok ok geez, seems so simple..


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> Ok ok geez, seems so simple..


It realy is. Maybe not easy but simple. One has to find the balls to do it.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

BeenHurt said:


> I get that, but what the hell to do with it? Feels like I have a ball, but I don't know if I'm supposed to kick it, throw it, bounce it, pop it, sit on it.....


This may seem odd but I think a pet (dog) would help you. They're often provided to the elderly to help with loss, depression, and loneliness. A dog thinks you are the best thing in the world and they're ALWAYs happy to see you. Plus it may sh!t in the wrong place but it'll NEVER SH!T ON YOU.


I think you know what to do but you don't know how to muster up the courage to do it. Here's the jist of what I think you should do however it's still hard to do. If you can be strong enough to do this the rewards are huge. Firstly you will gain self respect which you dearly need.

- Go to the shelter and get a companion.
- File for divorce. Use any proof you have if any from her affair.
- Ask her to leave or you leave and rent an apartment.
- Just stop chatting with your online girl. Not because you can't chat but instead out of respect for her marriage.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> This may seem odd but I think a pet (dog) would help you. They're often provided to the elderly to help with loss, depression, and loneliness. A dog thinks you are the best thing in the world and they're ALWAYs happy to see you. Plus it may sh!t in the wrong place but it'll NEVER SH!T ON YOU.
> 
> 
> I think you know what to do but you don't know how to muster up the courage to do it. Here's the jist of what I think you should do however it's still hard to do. If you can be strong enough to do this the rewards are huge. Firstly you will gain self respect which you dearly need.
> ...



Say frigging good bye! Thundarr, I know you think there are boundaries being crossed, and they are. But she is also Been's friend. So at the very least, he owes her an explanation, an apology and an good bye.

But SAY GOOD BYE.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> This may seem odd but I think a pet (dog) would help you. They're often provided to the elderly to help with loss, depression, and loneliness. A dog thinks you are the best thing in the world and they're ALWAYs happy to see you. Plus it may sh!t in the wrong place but it'll NEVER SH!T ON YOU.
> 
> 
> I think you know what to do but you don't know how to muster up the courage to do it. Here's the jist of what I think you should do however it's still hard to do. If you can be strong enough to do this the rewards are huge. Firstly you will gain self respect which you dearly need.
> ...


Really. "Just stop chatting with your online girl" is all you read there JCD. Fine he can say goodbye to his EA LIKE IT MATTERS. Of course it does goes completely against NC. In reality he doesn't owe her anything however he does owe her husband an apology. BeenHurt can read that as: break it off with the married woman who he has an inappropriate friendship with and is having an EA with if he likes the way it sounds better. I find is puzzling that you are defending the OW.

Been hurt, I hope you see the forest and not the trees here even though some may not. You need to find a way to build courage to do the things you probably already know but don't have strength to do. Otherwise you'll feel inadequate and will have low self esteem and you'll continue to be stepped on by others. You can do this.


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