# Men: How would you react?



## lotsoflove (Jun 11, 2012)

I need advice from the men. My husband has made a few mistakes in the past, never EA or PA but just crossing some boundaries that made me uncomfortable. It took me a long time to get over these betrayals (maybe too long) because my feelings were so hurt. 

We have been struggling for a couple of years now. It used to be when things were good they were so good, but we would fight often and I would always bring up old issues (unfair, I know). I have trouble hiding my feelings and am overly sensitive, meanwhile, he is self-admittedly quite insensitive. Every fight sort of chipped away at us and now when things are good they are just okay. 

I am committed and ready to move on from our past issues and give him the full benefit of the doubt. I will not bring up the past issues and I am not angry about them. I am also going to put in a great effort to be less sensitive.

Our current issues are his lack of affection and kindness and failure to communicate. I tend to harp on these things and I don't get the response I am looking for.

Is it possible that because I was been bringing up old issues, I have not been letting him love me in a sense? Should I just back down and not mention when my feelings are hurt by lack of affection/kindness? He already knows what hurts my feelings and what I want, how many times can I ask? I know all men are different, but is he more likely to come around if I back down, be as happy as I can be and just try and move on with our life?

He does tell me he loves me, kisses me good-bye and we both initiate sex. He used to touch me all the time, random hugs, cuddles etc. I really miss that


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

I am currently trying to navigate this part of my life right now so I am waiting for the responses from the guys too.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Same here...


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I don't think you should back off of things you need of your husband. I do think, however, that you should re-frame your outlook to one of starting over.

In other words, "We used to cuddle all the time and we still don't any more!" is bad, "I've been missing you, can we watch a quick show and cuddle on the couch tonight?" is better.

You talked about how your big thing was bringing up old, negative issues, so instead, keep the communication open but keep it positive. He's going to need your guidance in giving you what you want, so your communication is just as important as his.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Lotsoflove, for a Man, old issues in the way you do them are exceedingly wounding. Keep wounding him and he will live without you no matter how much he loves you.

You know you hurt him. You know that. It’s a madness.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Every time you tell him you're not getting what you need, you're shaming him and driving him deeper into his shell. Frame it in a way that allows him a way to give you what you want and make him feel manly at the same time.


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## lotsoflove (Jun 11, 2012)

Acorn said:


> I don't think you should back off of things you need of your husband. I do think, however, that you should re-frame your outlook to one of starting over.
> 
> In other words, "We used to cuddle all the time and we still don't any more!" is bad, "I've been missing you, can we watch a quick show and cuddle on the couch tonight?" is better.
> 
> You talked about how your big thing was bringing up old, negative issues, so instead, keep the communication open but keep it positive. He's going to need your guidance in giving you what you want, so your communication is just as important as his.


Thanks for your response. I have tried that and I feel like the communication started positively and then moved in a different direction when I felt there was little response. For example, I told him "I love going to amusement parks with you because we hold hands and hug and kiss as we wait in line and it's like to good old days" which turned to "I would love a little more affection from you" to "I need more affection from you" to "I am hurting from lack of affection from you". 

I feel like I am not being heard no matter how I frame it :scratchhead:


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Lotsoflove, you said your sexlife was fine, but I'm guessing it is not.

How often do you have sex? (Sorry, very personal question. But it's an anonymous forum.)


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## lotsoflove (Jun 11, 2012)

AFEH said:


> Lotsoflove, for a Man, old issues in the way you do them are exceedingly wounding. Keep wounding him and he will live without you no matter how much he loves you.
> 
> You know you hurt him. You know that. It’s a madness.


I know, it is unfair. I think I was telling myself "I am upset and angry and I have every right to be", but maybe deep down maybe I was trying to hurt him because I was hurt or fooling myself into thinking I could prevent such behavior by reminding him that I hadn't forgotten 

I have gained clarity from this and I am committed to moving forward positively. Maybe he just needs more time to see that I really over the past and wont be bringing it up.


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## lotsoflove (Jun 11, 2012)

Drover said:


> Every time you tell him you're not getting what you need, you're shaming him and driving him deeper into his shell. Frame it in a way that allows him a way to give you what you want and make him feel manly at the same time.


Thanks for your response. I feel like I have tried to do this and with a lack of response, my communications steered from positive to negative. I will keep this in mind and am open to suggestions!


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## lotsoflove (Jun 11, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Lotsoflove, you said your sexlife was fine, but I'm guessing it is not.
> 
> How often do you have sex? (Sorry, very personal question. But it's an anonymous forum.)


Frequency of sex varies since he is in med school, on average I would say 2-3 times per week, but when he is really pre-occupied maybe 1 time on my initiation. We vary positions, have foreplay and both get satisfied. He has admitted that he feels a little odd sometimes initiating sex when we have barely seen or spoken to one another all day and I told him I would rather him initiate sex at that time and have that time to connect than just go to sleep.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Lotsoflove, I have another question for you... you say that you are willing to move on from the past issues, but by that, do you mean you have done the work as far as hashing it out, finding common ground, and reaching compromise... or are you just burying whatever it was and trying to move on?

What boundaries did he cross and how did you resolve it?


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

just from my experience, my wife will continually bring up past issues even though i have apologized and not repeated those behaviors. it's like "well, i can't beat you up for anything else so i'll just fall back on the old ones." when she does that i just pull back more and more.

our marriage counselor told us that you can't discuss the future by rehashing the past. you can't forget what happened but if you can't forgive then you really can't move forward.


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## lotsoflove (Jun 11, 2012)

Acorn said:


> Lotsoflove, I have another question for you... you say that you are willing to move on from the past issues, but by that, do you mean you have done the work as far as hashing it out, finding common ground, and reaching compromise... or are you just burying whatever it was and trying to move on?
> 
> What boundaries did he cross and how did you resolve it?


We've discussed it ad-nauseum, much to his dismay. He apologized a long time ago and we agreed to boundaries, my problem was accepting the apology and believing he would abide to the boundaries we had set. 

We had broken up for a short while and dated other people (we started dating at 20 and were having some growing pains). When we were back together, things were going amazing and he had to go on deployment. 

He told me the girl he dated would like to see him when we docked in Cali and I said I felt uncomfortable. He made me feel bad when he told me her feelings were hurt that I didn't want them hanging out. 

He left for deployment and we were in constant communication (he was on a carrier, males and females unlike submarines.) There were plenty of "don't worries", "i love you", "i would never jeopardize our relationship, "you are the one" and so on, so forth. He came home, we started planning a wedding and I was the happiest girl in the world. We made it through a hard time unscathed. 

We got pregnant unexpectedly and decided that we would hold off on the wedding, no big deal. Weeks after I had our son, our family came to visit and he fell asleep on the floor. I went to shut down his computer and there were naked pictures of the girl he dated, he said they were from when they were dating and he had forgotten about them. Come to find out, he did send her an email while we were together and he was on deployment asking her for naked pictures. I was humiliated and I thought things were perfect. I felt like the rug came out from under me and we had a newborn. I found a few more instances where he more or less made himself sound available or would be in contact with ex's complimenting them or speaking poorly of me. I was so confused because this was all in conflict with how he talked to me and what I thought his character was. 

He says he screwed up and would never cheat but I had a hard time accepting it because I felt like everything he had ever told me was b.s. Like these incidents negated everything good. 

I do love him and I don't think he would have an affair. But I just recently realized if I don't just let it go and move on, I will push him away for good which is the one thing I was trying to prevent. Nobody is perfect, but I can honestly say I have been completely loyal and honest with him for a decade, I was hurt to realize I was not getting the same in return. 

Long story, sorry!


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## lotsoflove (Jun 11, 2012)

Married&Confused said:


> just from my experience, my wife will continually bring up past issues even though i have apologized and not repeated those behaviors. it's like "well, i can't beat you up for anything else so i'll just fall back on the old ones." when she does that i just pull back more and more.
> 
> our marriage counselor told us that you can't discuss the future by rehashing the past. you can't forget what happened but if you can't forgive then you really can't move forward.


Thank you, this is what I have realized. Hopefully, in time, he will see that I am done bringing it up and that will bring us closer. I think I thought I could keep us together by reminding him what his behavior should be by continually noting I hadn't forgotten his past behavior, but instead I was making it harder for us to get close again.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Is it possible there is a part of you that doesn't want to let this go because nothing really got resolved, and you don't want to open yourself up to this hurt again?

Because I know if it were me, that'd be exactly what is happening.

I don't think your problem is that you can't let things go, I think the problem is that your husband betrayed you deeply. Please do not think of yourself as someone having a hard time letting things go - think of yourself as someone who is amazingly committed to trying.


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## lotsoflove (Jun 11, 2012)

Acorn said:


> Is it possible there is a part of you that doesn't want to let this go because nothing really got resolved, and you don't want to open yourself up to this hurt again?
> 
> Because I know if it were me, that'd be exactly what is happening.
> 
> I don't think your problem is that you can't let things go, I think the problem is that your husband betrayed you deeply. Please do not think of yourself as someone having a hard time letting things go - think of yourself as someone who is amazingly committed to trying.


It's possible. But, I have to admit to myself, that no amount of bringing it up can change what happened. And he did apologize (a long time ago) and we set boundaries, I wish there were better ways to resolve it, but what else could be done short of being brainwashed to forget it ever happened 

All I know for sure, is that things aren't going great and if I want things to change, I need to do something different. Something different would be truly putting it in the past and moving forward. One. day. at. a. time. 

Thanks, I am def committed to trying!!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

lotsoflove said:


> I tend to harp on these things and I don't get the response I am looking for.
> 
> Is it possible that because I was been bringing up old issues, I have not been letting him love me in a sense?
> 
> ...


I would react badly to harping. I would also react badly to bringing up old issues. These are both bad habits and you would be best served by stopping them.

Ditto with the hurt feelings. You own your feelings and you need to ask yourself why you choose to allow yourself to be hurt by this.

That said, if you want more affection you should certainly ask nicely and directly without any condemnation or blaming. Nothing wrong with asking nicely for what you want. And just because you asked for a kiss and got one, that doesn't mean you do without kisses. Ask away


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Lotsoflove, for a Man, old issues in the way you do them are exceedingly wounding. Keep wounding him and he will live without you no matter how much he loves you.
> 
> You know you hurt him. You know that. It’s a madness.


AFEH, I respect your opinions but I am trying to reconcile what you said above with dealing with unresolved issues? If a couple argues about an issue and one of them indicates that they intend to resolve the issue by doing the requested thing, or changing a behavior for example, but they do not, then the issue is not resolved and will continue to cause resentment until it IS resolved. Is it not fair then to bring the issue up again?


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

If i was him but if i had my own mind also weighting in i would divorce you and leave because i could not live with myself being a cheater EA and PA. I would come to the conclusion that i am not worthy of such a woman and deserve to leave her so she can get over me and find someone better.

But surely he does not think like that


You are being used and played and it will only end once you decide to end it. You alone are keeping the problems going by staying with him ideally you should leave him as he has shown a lack of "true love" among many other things. Its really a shame that you think the current problems are "your fault" you are blaming yourself for his lack of affection towards you. The list goes on in the end is NO GOOD and you are only hurting yourself and wasting your time with him good years of your life might be spent with this man and you cant get those years back.


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## jps (Jun 19, 2012)

:scratchhead:OK so I am new to this web site and do not know exactly where to go to ask this but here it goes. I am a soldier, I have deployed numerous times and my wife has always been there for me until now. i just returned from a deployment, and two days upon my return, my wife ask for a divorce. She has never stated that she was/is unhappy so this caught me offguard. I have always been supportive of her wants and needs. I do not drink, I do not chase women, I have never cheated, I have never hit her and I do not belittle her. I let her know that she is important to me and that she is loved and respected. I believe that this all comes from my receiving orders to report to a new duty station that she does want to go to. She states that she believes that it is best for our three sons that we do not move them from school just to move them to another school in 2 to 3 years. She also states that she does not want to start a job just to quit and start another one in 2-3 years. She has said some very hurtful things, has apologized for asking for a divorce, but only when i told her that i would be willing to go to my next duty station alone, so she and my children can stay in the town she wants to live, but not for the other things she has said. The town she wants to live in is small and where she grew up and yes her family is there as well. I do not agree it is best for my children for me to see them only on weekends and holidays, I have been gone enough. How would you react to this and am I wrong in believing that she has mommy/daddy issues and is being very selfish?


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