# should husband contact ow to apologize?



## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

My husband and I have talked about the idea of him contacting the ow to tell her the things he s told me about why he cheated with her on me. He has been very remorseful and sensitive about fixing the wrong that he did. I wonder if it would be useful for him and me for him to divulge everything to her as this would have him admit all the wrong doing to her as well, which in my mind is complete restituition for him. As complete as it could be anyway.also I believe that for a lot of those of us who have been cheated on, that it may provide some comfort..small but some none the less. Comfort that your partner after all that did happen does have your back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

If that works for you two, then I suppose you could.

But I wouldn't condone it, if you two are trying to Reconcile. Too many times that builds into an, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I hurt you, here, let me make it better" type of conversation that leads to admissions of affection.

I say, No Contact means No Contact. 

my $0.02


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Have it written by him, and sent by YOU.

I would watch him closely to see if he is using this as a way to re-establish contact with her. 

It is almost a given that he will talk to her again anyway. Most WS have too many strong feelings to give it up with one letter.

Not saying this to hurt you. It is a reality based on countless experiences shared on this site.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

No, absolutely no.

He does owe the other woman a darn thing, nothing at all.

Infact having him spend time figuring out what to say to her is time he is taking away from you and your marriage.

Is there OWH ? Now to him maybe, but it's really pointless.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Newp! No contact. He doesn't need to "explain" to her why he used her/broke you. There is no reason for an affair, only an excuse. He never gets to hear her voice again, for any reason.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No he should not talk to her again or send her a letter other than a no contact letter.. .and the no contact letter has to say that he was cruel in cheating on you and he's working on his marriage. He will never try to contact her again. Nor should she ever try to contact him.

That's it short and sweet. The OW chose to have an affair with a married man. She chose to live a lie. Why should care one bit about her?


"which in my mind is complete restituition for him." how is him doing this any kind of restitution? Is this what he's telling you?

Why are you spending one minute thinking about the OW? Why are you encouraging him to think about her?


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Hell to the NO! Too bad she got hurt. That is what happens when you are with a married person.

Although mine sent her an email and that just hooked them right back up. He was sorry he hurt her but does not give a flip about how he hurt me.


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## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

it was my idea, not his...but he was willing to do that if it helped me. I understand what you mean by there is no reason for the affair, and there is no husband for her. It wouldn't be so much about him excusing his actions, but more to admit his wrong doing. It was a one time meeting (she lives a long way away) with an evening of conversation that ended with physical intimacy,no sex. Some follow up emails (that I read) where they talked more as friends which he stopped with a final note that he couldn't continue with a friendship that began inappropriately. There was never romantic or sexual words exchanged....nor feelings that way on his part. All purely ego stroking for him. Yes, we have reconciled and have consequently began a needed overhaul of some area's of a long term marriage. 

He has moved way on from it and is going 100 miles in our direction from D day and before. I however deal with the sadness at times and the anger at others. 

I feel that when a spouse cheats and does not have to face the person he did that with to admit how wrong it was, that somehow it's not complete and the cheater doesn't have to fully reconcile their actions. I could be way off here.....but that's how I feel!


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## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

Foghorn said:


> If that works for you two, then I suppose you could.
> 
> But I wouldn't condone it, if you two are trying to Reconcile. Too many times that builds into an, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I hurt you, here, let me make it better" type of conversation that leads to admissions of affection.
> 
> ...





pollywog said:


> Hell to the NO! Too bad she got hurt. That is what happens when you are with a married person.
> 
> Although mine sent her an email and that just hooked them right back up. He was sorry he hurt her but does not give a flip about how he hurt me.


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## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

the content wouldn't be him apologizing to her, more telling her it was wrong of him to do that to his family....so admission to the person directly connected....this would be for his consequence, not for her pain and suffering. I agree, she knew better, cheaters partners should also in a perfect world be apologizing to the cheaters partner. It's a huge offence and they shouldn't get off without their own consequence as well! I don't mean to sound naive here, just still hurt sometimes (it's been 6 1/2 months since I found out so still digesting it sometimes


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

He!! no.

No contact is no contact. This bandaid should be off. No need to reapply and rip it off again.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<I say, No Contact means No Contact. >> 

I agree with Foghorn.

The best outcome is to leave her out of it, forget her, move on and rebuild your lives. As they say, the best revenge is a life well lived.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I confronted the OM. It didn't help...made things worse in fact.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Yeah, that really works. Before TAM good old Nice Buy me allowed this. "Just want to tell him its over I owe him that much". Reestablished contact, two steps back.

If I knew then what I know now, You do it GOODBYE.. Not worth the tremendous effort and the emotional baggage I have to carry for being so GD "STUPID.


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

She's not owed anything. If hes thinking about this then he's thinking about her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

ocean wind said:


> the content wouldn't be him apologizing to her, more telling her it was wrong of him to do that to his family....so admission to the person directly connected....this would be for his consequence, not for her pain and suffering. I agree, she knew better, cheaters partners should also in a perfect world be apologizing to the cheaters partner. It's a huge offence and they shouldn't get off without their own consequence as well! I don't mean to sound naive here, just still hurt sometimes (it's been 6 1/2 months since I found out so still digesting it sometimes


He essentially already told her that when he did this:



> he stopped with a final note that he couldn't continue with a friendship that began inappropriately.


If you need more from your H during this time of recovery and reconciliation, that's fine. But it's better to focus on YOU, rather than directing him to focus on the OW. It's better if he does things to create new and better memories with _you_, than to make him think more about OW.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Is it possible you want to feel comfort in the fact that he tells her she didn't mean anything to him? Justifying the cheating so she feels less special? You don't need to answer me, just think about the real reason you want to do this. Personally bad idea, you need to focus on your marriage not her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ocean wind said:


> it was my idea, not his...but he was willing to do that if it helped me. I understand what you mean by there is no reason for the affair, and there is no husband for her. It wouldn't be so much about him excusing his actions, but more to admit his wrong doing. It was a one time meeting (she lives a long way away) with an evening of conversation that ended with physical intimacy,no sex. Some follow up emails (that I read) where they talked more as friends which he stopped with a final note that he couldn't continue with a friendship that began inappropriately. There was never romantic or sexual words exchanged....nor feelings that way on his part. All purely ego stroking for him. Yes, we have reconciled and have consequently began a needed overhaul of some area's of a long term marriage.
> 
> He has moved way on from it and is going 100 miles in our direction from D day and before. I however deal with the sadness at times and the anger at others.
> 
> I feel that when a spouse cheats and does not have to face the person he did that with to admit how wrong it was, that somehow it's not complete and the cheater doesn't have to fully reconcile their actions. I could be way off here.....but that's how I feel!


Here is the basic no-contact letter that he needs to send her. We writes it and you send it via snail mail or email.
------------------ 
(OP),
I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she’s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS) 
------------------ 
The wrong that he has to admit to her and you is that he was wrong in hurting YOU.

He really owes her nothing. She is a perpetrator, not a victim. She went after a married man.

If you have your husband do anything more than the above no contact letter it will back fire as it will open up communications between the two of them again.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I can imagine she already konws these things. What new light can be shed with this plan of yours?

What does YOUR relationship gain from it?


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

No.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

you need to be able to forget about her 

....but more importantly he does - so leave it


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Here is the basic no-contact letter that he needs to send her. We writes it and you send it via snail mail or email.
> ------------------
> (OP),
> *I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she’s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
> ...


This is all that needs to be sent. Short and to the point. Any real contact only serves to set the recovery clock back to Day 1 for both of you. You don't want that, do you?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Colossally BAD idea! Does nothing for your husband (he already dissed her before you even knew anything was going on!) Only potentially gives the OW the idea that she still means something to him (enough for a break of no contact). You seem to see it as a punishment (a consequence). Clearly your husband doesn't see it that way and R isn't really about punishment.

Also, I am never really certain what "physical, but no sex" means....

WHole thing doesn't make any sense

Good luck


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

No.

No.

No.

All this would accomplish is to stir the coals and get one or both of them thinking about the other.

No.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Just to be clear it was the OP's idea that her husband might write up such a letter. It was not her husband's idea, but what motives or thoughts popped into his head once the suggestion was brought up, who can say. Maybe he was just going along with it for Ocean's benefit and didn't want anything to do with the idea. *shrug*

There are probably plenty of apologies to go around, but this is one apology that you can skip for the safety of your marriage. I understand the reasoning behind this proposed letter, but you as the betrayed spouse are potentially opening the door for your wayward spouse to reinitialize contact and reconnect emotionally with his affair partner. Whatever your intentions, I believe you should avoid this at all costs.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

NO !!!!!


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

*shaking head* 

Really just walk away. Nothing good can come of more contact for the two of them.You hurt enough already. Been through a horrible amount of pain. Having them in contact is only risking a second storm. Nothing is worth it.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> No, absolutely no.
> 
> He does owe the other woman a darn thing, nothing at all.
> 
> Is there OWH ? Now to him maybe, but it's really pointless.


This ! He should apologize to the OWH if she has one. And if he has the gut to do what is right.
But NOT to her. Apologize for what? Unless he raped her, she knew what she was doing, right? now she's a victim? let's be serious.
Be firm about NC. No apologies, no pleasantries, no sugarcoating. 
Nothing !


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By EleGirl*
> (OP),
> I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she’s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
> Sincerely,


(WS)



Ocean Wind
You seem to think that a final contact with the OW will help you and your husband. If that is the case then the letter above is a very good one. If your husband is dead serious about the R I would have him add the wording below. If he is really remorseful and realizes his selfishness and the OW selfishness he should not have any problem with the below addition


*WS to OW
With you I betrayed my wife, the woman I love. With you I degraded my integrity. With you I decided to be selfish and harm my family. Yes I decided to do all this of my own free will, I am a big boy, and I am responsible. However, I can now see that you care nothing for my wife or my family. In fact you really care nothing for me and the feeling is mutual. My thoughts of you are that you are an accessory to my degrading myself and hurting my family. Stay the hell away from me and my family; never contact me or my family again.*


Blunt


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## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

The "reply" letters were both well written. Although he did send a brief email that stated less (that it had been unfair to me for him to continue with the contact and emails and that he loved me very much), Your letters were a good example of what I would also have liked him to say. 
It has been 6 months, so no point in sending another no contact as there hasn't been any. My point was never for him to "apologize" to her for involving her, but to apologize for me as stated in your letter examples.

My husband has said all of those things to me that were in both sample letters....I simply wanted her to see a letter with more punch, and for him to have to admit those things to her, so therefore I guess I did want something more from him....but he cant go back and re-do the letter and it seems unanimous that him re-doing one in the present is not a good idea!

I've heard all of your thoughts loud and clear and thank you for them:smthumbup:


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You did good.


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## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

Thank You. In the worst of times, you discover the best of times...and the best of people like you guys who despite their own circumstances reach out to those like me who need a non judgemental ear


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

I wouldn't....This is a sore spot for me. After my husband semi convinced me that there was nothing going on with him and the OW and that another employee was with them when they went out, i confronted the OW at work for the first time and confirmed his story...I felt stupid for over reacting but was still unsure. While talking to the ow at work that night about it all, my husband comes in the room and apologizes to me and to the OW for putting us both in an uncomfortable situation with each other. I remember after he walked out of the room, the OW said how nice that was for him to apologize to her because it wasn't right that he put her in middle of his marriage like that. A few days later I found out that was all planned. He had called her using another employee's phone (because I was reading his texts and checking his bill) that morning and asked her to lie to me. Turns out they were out out alone 4 times. Why he came in there with that phony apology, I'll never understand. It makes me so angry though because they made a fool out of me.


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