# Secret Counseling...what does it mean?



## summerB (Aug 31, 2011)

Last year, we were going to a male MC and the sessions turned into how I was ruining our marriage. The MC didn't ID any of H's issues or hold him accountable for any percentage of our issues. We would leave the appts, and H would sit in the car silently and wait for me to tell him what I got from the appt or say something like "I think you can see how that wasn't helpful or fun for me". The MC got to the point where he said that if I couldn't stop lying to H, then there is nothing he can do to help our marriage and he couldn't see us anymore. My opinion was that my lying is a problem, but not the core problem, and that H has some pretty serious controlling and agressive behavior to address. So, I found another IC and started going alone. 

I posted a couple weeks ago that H invited himself to my IC, came and got loud with my IC, stormed out and refused to go to the MC my IC recommended because she "insulted him, invalidated him and was divisive in front of his wife" rather than having "empathy for how hard it must be for him to be in this situation". My IC basically said that if he feels this is all my problem, then what was he doing there and what did he need from her? I am continuing to see the same IC and have an appt on Monday.

Anyway, last week H sent me out to his car to get something and I found a recent receipt for our old MC that he went to without telling me. It had today listed as his next appt. So this morning he gets up and says he's going out, and when asked where lied about (or omitted) the fact that he has an IC appt and said that he was going to buy boots. He also wouldn't tell me when he would be back. 

I admit that I don't tell him every time I have an IC appt scheduled, nor do I immediately report home with the details of my IC. I don't like to have the contents of my appts scrutinized or dissected to determine how H feels my IC is undermining the progress of our marriage. However, he does know that I have a weekly or biweekly appt and that I am seeking help. He also thinks I lie to my IC and am playing her to get validation for the litany of things he thinks I am doing wrong in our marriage. 

I just don't understand why he would go back to the MC who did zero to help us short of blaming me for everything and then threatening to boot us when I wasn't capable of saving our marriage. Moreover, why go back secretly? It really doesn't seem like he wants to work on anything jointly unless he is found completely innocent in the failures of our relationship and can just sit there to insure that I "get the help I need".


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

summerB said:


> The MC got to the point where he said that if I couldn't stop lying to H, then there is nothing he can do to help our marriage and he couldn't see us anymore. My opinion was that my lying is a problem, but not the core problem, and that H has some pretty serious controlling and agressive behavior to address.


In my relationship, the my wife's lying WAS a huge problem and not the core problem..but the cause of alot if not all of our fights and problems..This in turn caused me to become disengaged and combative. How can I love someone or even listen to them when I don't beleive a word they ever say?? If there is not bedrock of trust and if one spouse continues to lie, big or small, then you can't build a relationship OR rebuild..No bedrock...


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