# Pity sex or because I've to no other options vs I really want to have sex



## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

hi Gang

what do you consider pity sex or I'm having sex because "I'm a wife and have an obligation towards my husband" vs I really want to have sex?


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## thenerdguy (1 mo ago)

Pity sex is when she says, can you make this quick and she might not be all that into it. When she really wants it you can tell.


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## Mr. Rocksteady89 (25 d ago)

In my mind, there's a huge difference between pity sex and obligation sex. I wouldn't batch them together. I don't think any husband would be happy if they're wife was had sex out of pity. Obligation sex on the other hand is entirely different. It's okay in marriage to feel obligated to do something. Do I feel obligated to go to work? Absolutely. Do I always feel like it? Absolutely not. If I don't feel like it, but I do it anyway, am I happy when my paycheck is received at the end? I sure am. Inside the definition of "obligation" you find the word commitment. Upon marriage, you and your spouse are making a commitment to each other and sometimes that means that their desires come before yours and vice versa. It's all about give and take. Any man that's been married for some time knows that their wife will and absolutely has had sex with them simply because they know that the husband wants it. Whether they do simply because they're a wife and they know you want it or because they "really" want it is irrelevant. If you get "obligation" sex most of time, be happy that she's committed enough to the marriage to care that your need is being met. Your job is to make the intimacy enjoyable for her regardless of the reason she is doing it and secondly but not less important is to appreciate the commitment. If you don't, you will soon only be having sex when she "really" wants to and not many women have a burning desire to have sex with a husband that doesn't appreciate them. My wife's mind is always ahead of her body. At times, she plays along with my sexual endeavors for her (because she's committed to me) until her body can catch up. Once that happens, her desire heats up and takes over.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I agree with Rock that pity sex and obligation sex are not the really the same thing. One is done because you’re trying to do what’s expected of you and the other is because for whatever reason, you feel bad for the person. A woman can engage in “duty” sex and even find it enjoyable but would have been fine without it. The problem is that it can lead to resentment on her part if the man’s not making a real effort to make it enjoyable and also showing appreciation through other acts of love.

Of course non of us guys want to think that our wife is having sex with us out of a sense of duty or pity but I’m sure my wife has given me duty sex plenty of times over our 33 years of marriage.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

blackclover3 said:


> ..what do you consider pity sex or I'm having sex because "I'm a wife and have an obligation towards my husband" vs I really want to have sex?


Having drifted from happily married into a sex starved marriage, I may be able to share some perspectives for you. Also may wife has always been LD to my HD libido.

In working with a Sex Therapist to save our marriage, I have learned that my LD wife will always be LD. There is no insight I can give her or magic sexual technique that will change her basic nature. That means that I will want sex more than she does.

In marriage both partners need to compromise. That means in an LD/HD marriage one will always need more sex than their partner is comfortable with and less than the other partner is comfortable with. A compromise will be something in between. The "in between" is what you are talking about. It is the compromise and the nature of the compromise.

I really enjoy bring my wife to an orgasm and having sex with her. It is something I really enjoy for myself, for my emotional bonding with her, for the feelings I get from pleasuring her. What I learned is that sometime, I will not be able to bring my wife to an orgasm, but I can still arouse her and make her feel loved and cherished.

One of the hard lessons I had to learn in saving our marriage was that my wife understand how important sex is to me. Sometimes, she enjoys sexually arousing and pleasing me. I had to learn how to enjoy myself and be grateful when my wife gives me the gift of her body out of her love for me and our marriage. She is LD. That means she needs to push herself sometimes. I am HD that means I have to restrain my desires sometimes.

The questions that are missing are the what is your partners motivation to providing the sex, and is it met with similar motivation on your side of the bed in respecting their relative level of sexual desire.

I don't view it as either an obligation or as pity. I view it as fulfiling a compromise mutually made to make a marriage work and love to flourish. It is not a one-way compromise.


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

Some years ago I said to my wife after a session "you don't seem to be getting much from sex these days" she replied it makes me happy to see you happy.

Rightly or wrongly it really pissed me off.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

blackclover3 said:


> hi Gang
> 
> what do you consider pity sex or I'm having sex because "I'm a wife and have an obligation towards my husband" vs I really want to have sex?


Well pity sex would mean she feels sorry for me. Duty sex would be out of "obligation" as a wife. I am sure in nearing six decades together I have received both. Probably many times. OTOH there have been some times when I was worn out from working 84 hour weeks, but "rose to the occasion" to fulfill my "obligation" though what I was actually craving was a peaceful night's sleep before having to go back to the job. I believe was pretty enthusiastic so don't think she caught on. But who knows?

Honestly, I try to not overthink what is going on. Like some guys get hung up on wife "initiating". I don't mind initiating. We both have a lot of fun, who cares which of us came up with the idea. And I am sure there are times when what starts out as "pity" or "duty" ends up being lots of passion.


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