# Hypothetical question for BS’s



## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Knowing what you know now, how an A can completely crush and kill you when you find out about it, knowing how much pain comes with it, and what a hellish journey it becomes to either R or D, I have a question. 

First, put yourself in your relationship where you were before D-Day – assume you’ve had a happy and healthy marriage, no cheating, no drama…. (I know it’s hard to do as we’re all sitting here in an infidelity forum, but just for the sake of the question). 

*So, if you were in a happy, healthy, long term marriage with no infidelity issues or concerns for several years:*

Lets say your spouse had cheated on you with a one night stand during the first year of marriage, or perhaps even before -when you were engaged, (just sex, no relationship, no feelings, nothing emotional). Let's say you never found out about it, and your spouse never did cheat again over the whole length of your marriage (whether it be 5, 10, 15, 20, 25 years etc). Would you want to find out NOW about that one indiscretion so many years ago? 
Obviously though, we’re BS’s so now I would think yes, I know I would want to know because it shows a pattern. And if you asked me that question 4 months ago, I probably would’ve said yes, I would want to know. But now since I’ve experienced this hell, I’m not sure what my answer would be - if I was still in a healthy marriage with no infidelity issues, but know the pain I now know. 

I hope this makes sense. It was hard to word correctly. 

Just curious, I was reading another post where something like this came up, and the answers were interesting.


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

You ask an amazingly tough question IMO. I would have to go to war in my head to answer this one. Of course I would have to edit "day before DD" with "2 months before her affair started". Sigh....I have no answer right now. I know what I would like to say but I'm not sure I could convince my self my answer was what I truly believed.

I'm curious to see how people respond to this question though.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I would want to know. Honestly, every day that he looked me in the eyes and didn't tell me would be a lie. So if he could lie to me for 10 years about a one night stand, that says a lot about who he is. My H did cheat, and I know it sucks to be a BS. But I am glad I know. Now that I know, many things have come in to my world outside of the pain. Knowledge, insight, and some of the brilliant people here at TAM as well.


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## Tover26 (Oct 29, 2011)

Can you ever really truly love a Lie? I would want to know. 

...and there never is just "one indiscretion"... the kind of person who could do that, cover it up, and not have it impact them would be a raging psychopath or sociopath. I bet $100 that this "one indiscretion" uncovers a 1,000 other personality flaws, lies and chains of lies, bad decisions, and head scratchers that never made sense. Maybe there is never another affair after the "one indiscretion", but having lived through this hell, do you really think a cheater can only really truly cheat just once?

Even if sexually "just once", there are bound to be other impacts across the entire spectrum of integrity, aspirations, personal challenge, financial, familial, etc of those happy years. After all, the flaw/gap that created that "just once" is still there... how else did it manifest and how did it impact you and your family?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

No I wouldn't want to know.
I'd rather be spared the heartbreak.
Maybe I'm a coward. I don't know, having experienced the devastation of infidelity, in THAT situation, I'd rather remain ignorant!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Tover26 said:


> Can you ever really truly love a Lie? I would want to know.
> 
> ...and there never is just "one indiscretion"... the kind of person who could do that, cover it up, and not have it impact them would be a raging psychopath or sociopath. I bet $100 that this "one indiscretion" uncovers a 1,000 other personality flaws, lies and chains of lies, bad decisions, and head scratchers that never made sense. Maybe there is never another affair after the "one indiscretion", but having lived through this hell, do you really think a cheater can only really truly cheat just once.QUOTE]
> 
> No I don't. I agree with everything you say. But as I said, this is a hypothetical question.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

The cheatee deserves to know regardless.  Here's my hypothetical question.

How could the cheater in said scenario be so incredibly selfish in a marriage which is supposed to be about openness etc. to hold such information from their spouse? It's like introducing a new food to your spouse and telling them it's chocolate mouse when in reality...well lets just say did you see the movie or read the book "The Help". You're making an honest person that you supposedly love honor and respect live a lie.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> The cheatee deserves to know regardless. Here's my hypothetical question.
> 
> How could the cheater in said scenario be so incredibly selfish in a marriage which is supposed to be about openness etc. to hold such information from their spouse? It's like introducing a new food to your spouse and telling them it's chocolate mouse when in reality...well lets just say did you see the movie or read the book "The Help". You're making an honest person that you supposedly love honor and respect live a lie.


I agree with everything you're saying. I guess that question is a good one too, for the spouse who only cheated once, and never told. But we won't find those people here, on this forum I don't think.  

Having said that, living through what it feels like to be betrayed...I don't know if I was happily married for 20 years, if I would want to feel that complete heartbreak for something that happened so long ago, and never occurred again. (I also am the 1st to say this is a highly unlikely/improbable scenario). 
So, not even really sure what my own answer is. 

Again, my answer today would probably differ than my answer would've been several months ago.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

In this vacuum of a hypothetical, where I was married a long time, and knew I would continue to have a reasonably fulfilling marriage until I die with a faithful spouse in every other aspect, then, no, no way would I want to know. It would ruin everything and have no relevance to my life.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

However, I think cheating spouses try to answer this question for their BSs ahead of time, and think, hey, I don't want to hurt my spouse, so I'll keep this quiet.

Thing is though, by getting away with it, they'll probably do it again. And then it's not just one incident any longer.

The cheating spouse, of course, thinks it will never happen again and they believe their own bullsh*t.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

I really don't know how to answer your question.
Now I'm right in the middle of hate mode, so I'd say yes I would want to find out so I can no longer a dumb fool. Then again, if we had the same marriage as we had the first two years, and it would last forever. I don't know, if no one would know (no one) I guess I'd trade that for all the vomitting, the tears and the wall punching.

EDIT: Ten seconds after posting this message, I changed my mind because I got mad at the idea of being a cuckold and ignoring it. I guess the uncertainty comes hand in hand with being cheated on.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

The most bitter truth is better than the sweetest lie.

Pretty much lived my life based on honesty. I feel that if it is a life changing lie (or lie of omission) such as an affair or a ONS, then truth is always the best. And the longer the truth is hidden (lie upon lie upon lie) the more it hurts when finally exposed.

A lie denies the person who is lied to the ability to make an informed decision. 

"I didn't want to hurt XXX", "I didn't think it would do any good if I told - only pain", "I was protecting XXX". All are rationalizations to justify lies, nothing more.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

I would want to know, yes. What I can't answer is if it would be a dealbreaker or not. I just don't know.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

No way in the hell would I want to know 5+ yrs later.

Now to know he had cheated prior to us having kids and within 1-2 yrs.....I would have wanted to know. It would have been a deal breaker at the time.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Yes. Absolutely. Without hesitation. Rationally, I can understand that the happiness of a fool is still happiness and may be no less qualitatively than any other. But I would not want to be a fool, at any cost. I would choose sadder but wiser every time. Bentham be damned.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Oh God! I just cant decide. I think the answer is yes but then I look at my situation and think "this has called into question everything I thought I knew about him and us in the past year" so I cant imagine having those doubts arise about the entire marriage! 

Wow. I just dont know. There is also the idea of him keeping that in his head and rather or not he could truly love me and keep such a secret. Telling, even at possibly your own peril is a loving act, IMO.


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> EDIT: Ten seconds after posting this message, I changed my mind because I got mad at the idea of being a cuckold and ignoring it. I guess the uncertainty comes hand in hand with being cheated on.



This is EXACTLY why I couldn't answer it. I think there are good arguments to be made for wanting to know and not wanting to know in this hypothetical situation.

EDIT: My indecision with this question stems from one thing and one thing only. If you had asked me a year before DD if I would stay with my wife if she cheated on me, I would have said HELL NO! And yet here I am considering the possibility of R. Nothing about infidelity is easy to go through, even the decisions we once thought were no brainers.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Harken Banks said:


> Yes. Absolutely. Without hesitation. Rationally, I can understand that the happiness of a fool is still happiness and may be no less qualitatively than any other. But I would not want to be a fool, at any cost. I would choose sadder but wiser every time. Bentham be damned.


Not to pick on Harken, because others have said the same thing, but you wouldn't even know you were a fool. You would never have any idea it ever happened.

It would be a different story if people were whispering about it behind my back, while I remained a fool. That, I wouldn't choose. But if my wife was the only person in my world that knew about it, and it was like 15 years ago, once, no strings, and it didn't affect my life in any way, and it never happened again? Why would you want to know that?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> Would you want to find out NOW about that one indiscretion so many years ago?


Unless holding the secret was causing my wife distress, then, no, I would not.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Very good, very difficult question. I've changed my answer at least five times before writing this one. I just don't know. I think the answer is yes because I wouldn't want to live a lie/a sham of a marriage or LTR. 

Call me naive but I think there are good, honest, loyal people out there that would never cheat on me. I am not a cheat and it hasn't been due to lack of opportunity or having all of my needs fulfilled (far from it) but because of my character. Why should my disloyal spouse get the benefit of an honest and faithful spouse and I get his secrets, cake-eating and the illusion of commitment? Its so unfair.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Not to pick on Harken, because others have said the same thing, but you wouldn't even know you were a fool. You would never have any idea it ever happened.
> 
> It would be a different story if people were whispering about it behind my back, while I remained a fool. That, I wouldn't choose. But if my wife was the only person in my world that knew about it, and it was like 15 years ago, once, no strings, and it didn't affect my life in any way, and it never happened again? Why would you want to know that?


Gabriel, I don't think you understood the post. Of course we all understand that the assumption of the hypothetical is that you don't know what you don't know. It's not a difficult concept. The point is, some of us would rather know.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Why would you want to know that?


Because it would be the truth.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Exsquid said:


> This is EXACTLY why I couldn't answer it. I think there are good arguments to be made for wanting to know and not wanting to know in this hypothetical situation.
> 
> EDIT: My indecision with this question stems from one thing and one thing only. If you had asked me a year before DD if I would stay with my wife if she cheated on me, I would have said HELL NO! And yet here I am considering the possibility of R. Nothing about infidelity is easy to go through, even the decisions we once thought were no brainers.


Exsquid, I think you get what I was asking, and why! I stated that my answer today, as a BS, would likely be different than before the A. 
And, when you're asked about things like this when you haven't been betrayed and know how it all feels, it's black and white. Yes or No. But when you've actually had to go thru the feelings that an actual BS feels, things are different. 

I still don't know what my answer would be.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

So Sad Lady said:


> Knowing what you know now, how an A can completely crush and kill you when you find out about it, knowing how much pain comes with it, and what a hellish journey it becomes to either R or D, I have a question.
> 
> First, put yourself in your relationship where you were before D-Day – assume you’ve had a happy and healthy marriage, no cheating, no drama…. (I know it’s hard to do as we’re all sitting here in an infidelity forum, but just for the sake of the question).
> 
> ...


Yes I would want to know no matter the length of time that passes with a perfect track record. 

I say this because I fully believe that secret should not be kept from your spouse no matter what. I value honesty and the truth far more then I valued my perfect little blind world before I had found out about H's affairs. Besides a big secret kept makes the little ones easier to keep too. 

Just does not sound healthy. I felt like a fool and my shame was horrible after I found out about his EA and ONS but I could not bare the thought of having my H look at me like I was an ignorant fool. That is just how I feel about it.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

I also wonder what the answer would be if this question was raised to anyone that hasn't been betrayed by the person they rely on. Someone that can imagine the pain, but has not had the real, true life experience that - unfortunately - we all know. 
You know, the most happily married couple that you know. The couple that we probably all were, before D-Day.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I know that before the fact I felt the same. The difference was in my willingness to R. I mean, before D day I believed it was a deal breaker. Funny how different I viewed things before but even then I did not want to be ignorant.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Harken Banks said:


> Gabriel, I don't think you understood the post. Of course we all understand that the assumption of the hypothetical is that you don't know what you don't know. It's not a difficult concept. The point is, some of us would rather know.


No, I understood the post completely. I guess I just disagree. Which is fine.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I think that in some way, the keeping of the secret would have to impact on the marriage.
The WS could never fully relax as they would have this axe always hanging over their heads. They might forget about it for a little while, but every time they heard/saw something that relates back to that time would cause them to remember again the axe hanging.
In the end, to my mind, it would be better to get it out in the open once & for all.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Bellavista said:


> I think that in some way, the keeping of the secret would have to impact on the marriage.
> The WS could never fully relax as they would have this axe always hanging over their heads. They might forget about it for a little while, but every time they heard/saw something that relates back to that time would cause them to remember again the axe hanging.
> In the end, to my mind, it would be better to get it out in the open once & for all.


nice perspective!


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Nothing good can come from lying.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> No, I understood the post completely.


Based on what you wrote as a response, I am skeptical.



Gabriel said:


> I guess I just disagree. Which is fine.


Fair enough. I go back to my original post.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I think I would need to know. After being married for 20 years and watching him for the past 2 years I feel sure that he has cheated for many years. I feel like my life has been a lie for the past 20 years. I would want the truth, if it is even possible for a cheater to reveal the truth, I would want to know how long the relationship has been a sham. For my situation, I don't believe I will ever know the entire truth and at this point I don't know if I would believe him even if he were telling the truth. It's the little boy that cried wolf too many times, how do you believe the truth from a proven liar?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

So Sad Lady said:


> Knowing what you know now, how an A can completely crush and kill you when you find out about it, knowing how much pain comes with it, and what a hellish journey it becomes to either R or D, I have a question.
> 
> First, put yourself in your relationship where you were before D-Day – assume you’ve had a happy and healthy marriage, no cheating, no drama…. (I know it’s hard to do as we’re all sitting here in an infidelity forum, but just for the sake of the question).
> 
> ...


Cheating in the first year of marriage during the honeymoon phase is a very bad sign.

So yes, I would want to know. 

Also, just because only one affair came to light does not guarantee that there weren't more, and you just don't know. 

Cheating says something about a person's character, and even if you R, you need to be aware of this type of character flaw.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Not to pick on Harken, because others have said the same thing, but you wouldn't even know you were a fool. You would never have any idea it ever happened.
> 
> It would be a different story if people were whispering about it behind my back, while I remained a fool. That, I wouldn't choose. But if my wife was the only person in my world that knew about it, and it was like 15 years ago, once, no strings, and it didn't affect my life in any way, and it never happened again? Why would you want to know that?


How do you know people weren't all along whispering behind your back?

I found out that so many people knew of my husbands affair but never told me. 

So, maybe people are whispering have been whispering are still whispering.

When someone has an affair, a lot of people know or highly suspect. 

Either they see the two together gazing into each others eyes or walking together too much, going to lunch alone, touching each other inappropriately as only a spouse would, or just something they sense in the air when the two are together.

Just think about all the affairs you heard about where the wife was the last to know, even though so many others knew. 

When one affair is discovered, too, there are likely more that have not yet come to light.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> I found out that so many people knew of my husbands affair but never told me.
> 
> So, maybe people are whispering have been whispering are still whispering.
> 
> When someone has an affair, a lot of people know or highly suspect.


That's something that killed me. I found out that tons of people knew about her affair, and many more were not surprised. I can't blame the second group, because I wouldn't listen to them anyway, but there were a lot of friends I considered really close and thought highly of them among the first.
Did you confront them ? Did you ask them why they chose to shut up about it ?

I did, because they really called for it and I got some of the most hurtful, stupid and inconsiderate answers I ever got.
One even told me that she thought I wouldn't mind, what the eff???


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> However, I think cheating spouses try to answer this question for their BSs ahead of time, and think, hey, I don't want to hurt my spouse, so I'll keep this quiet.
> 
> *Thing is though, by getting away with it, they'll probably do it again. And then it's not just one incident any longer.*
> 
> The cheating spouse, of course, thinks it will never happen again and they believe their own bullsh*t.


this is why it is difficult to forgive once.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> That's something that killed me. I found out that tons of people knew about her affair, and many more were not surprised. I can't blame the second group, because I wouldn't listen to them anyway, but there were a lot of friends I considered really close and thought highly of them among the first.
> Did you confront them ? Did you ask them why they chose to shut up about it ?
> 
> I did, because they really called for it and I got some of the most hurtful, stupid and inconsiderate answers I ever got.
> One even told me that she thought I wouldn't mind, what the eff???


Torriven:

Yes. I did ask them why they didn't tell me and they all said they didn't want to hurt me and they thought I would hate them for telling. 

A handful did mention that they suspected prior affairs. They said that since they only suspected the prior affairs they really felt it would be hurtful to me to raise the suspicion. 

I wish they had because then I would have perhaps been less trusting years back, and found out sooner.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> Nothing good can come from lying.


I agree. The sooner the betrayed spouse knows the better it will be for them.

Also once a cheater gets a taste of cheating, by all accounts it does seem easier for them to do it again, and like criminals who claim that going to jail simply teaches them how to NOT get caught so easily the next time, the cheater learns how to be more crafty after being caught once. 

Also the fact that the BS took them back may send the wrong message, a message of no real consequences for the offense. 

Then the cheater may expect the BS will take them back again, even if they do get caught a second time. 

It amazes me how crafty some cheaters are and how they can bamboozle intelligent spouses for so long.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

The other thing to remember with cheating is that the Affair Partner is a wild card that the WW can't control. The WW may think that he/she can keep quiet but the AP may have different ideas.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

I wouldn't want to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

The question seems to be fairly basic and universal. People answer it differently. Churches are filled every Sunday. Synagogues every Saturday. Golf courses, mountain bike trails, and ski resorts too. Not to mention office buildings, but that is another matter.

Would you would rather simply believe because believing brings comfort, spares pain, and keeps you happy in the comfort of the belief system or would you willingly shed comfort to see and face a reality likely more complicated and less pleasant, and certainly more challenging and demanding? It is an age old question and fundamental to human nature. I have never hesitated when asked.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

I would say yes.

1. Cheating tells you about the character of the individual. If they cheated on you what else will they do that causes you problems, (ie. hiding Credit Card bills etc).

If they cheat, they have a line that they have established that they will always cross in their dealings until they are willing to change, if you don't know they are not held accountable for that action and will continue to push the border in other areas also.

A lot can be hidden from a loving BS who does not know who trusts the other person.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

@Harken Banks
If you could be told how and when you will die, and you couldn't change the outcome, would you want to know? If so, why? And if not, why?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Chiefly from the standpoint of being a believer in total honesty and disclosure within the confines of a loving married relationship, I would want to know.

That stems primarily from the fact that I would want some form of a confession from my spouse much rather than finding it out from some third party or source at some future indeterminable time. Going that route and staying quiet on their part would virtually insure that once the third-party disclosure is made, that the relationship itself would stand a far greater chance of coming apart at the seams, no matter the number of years incumbent in the marriage!


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> The question seems to be fairly basic and universal. People answer it differently. Churches are filled every Sunday. Synagogues every Saturday. Golf courses, mountain bike trails, and ski resorts too. Not to mention office buildings, but that is another matter.
> 
> Would you would rather simply believe because believing brings comfort, spares pain, and keeps you happy in the comfort of the belief system or would you willingly shed comfort to see and face a reality likely more complicated and less pleasant, and certainly more challenging and demanding? It is an age old question and fundamental to human nature. I have never hesitated when asked.





Tony55 said:


> @Harken Banks
> If you could be told how and when you will die, and you couldn't change the outcome, would you want to know? If so, why? And if not, why?


Because it has not happened yet. I am not a fatalist.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Look, I get that there are easy answers for people who want them. God bless you.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

@Harken Banks
If you could be told how and when you will die, and you couldn't change the outcome, would you want to know? If so, why? And if not, why?

_"Because it has not happened yet. I am not a fatalist."​_
Knowing an inevitability isn't being fatalistic, it is simply knowing a truth that's available to know. In your own words you choose to know of the one time infidelity, to quote,_ "Because it would be the truth."_ But wouldn't KNOWING your fate also be a truth? Isn't that also a question of deciding whether or not you choose to introduce information into your life that will unquestionably alter your life?

_(All this discussed in the context of the original posters question)_


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> @Harken Banks
> If you could be told how and when you will die, and you couldn't change the outcome, would you want to know? If so, why? And if not, why?
> 
> _"Because it has not happened yet. I am not a fatalist."​_
> ...


I do not believe in the inevitable, at least as it relates to my modest existence. Yes, I will die. That is certain. I could fly my Porsche off the bridge on the way to my office. Or I could park in the garage and say "hi" to my assistant. Knowing my fate could only come from my making it so. Bluntly, I will choose every time knowledge over ignorance. From one Tony to another, this is a silly conversation.


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

Hi, 

New Poster, long time Lurker. Long marraige (26 years). To the OP's question: No I would not want to know about an indiscreation from many years ago. 

Reason: If as the OP positioned the marriage was happy, satisfying and the indiscreation happend one time, long ago. I can live with that. Having to face it so many years later would cause all kinds of issues and resentments in an otherwise healthy marriage. 

To me Marriage is tough enough, even a good one. I don't need one more thing to distract us from what is good and working. After being on here and other foums for years: IMHO the hurt, disallusionment, seperation, pain and divorce are all too common a result from these senarios and in some cases insurmountable. 

We all make mistakes and and if the offending party in the marrige made one mistake, then never did it again it is thier cross to bear. Why burden the spouse with that pain. Now if it was an affair or multiple issues then there is a problem in the marriage that needs to be addressed. In that case confession can be good for the soul and the marriage. Just my opinion.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm going thru your exact original question right now. I found out a year ago my husband had a drunken ONS on a business trip nine years ago, eight years into our marriage with two small kids at home. I'm still in incredible pain. It has ruined all my memories, just basically destroyed me as a person. I'm a walking zombie. I was blindsided, thought he was this great family guy, now I can barely look at him. A year of extreme pain and it still is not going away. Now, do I wish I didn't ever find out? No, as painful as this hell is I deserve to know what our marriage really was and who I was really married to - a cheat and a compulsive liar. Has it opened my eyes? Yes, I now think there were other times... He won't admit to anything else. He might still be keeping secrets, but I know the real him now and am not the naive fool he played me for for all those years.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> How do you know people weren't all along whispering behind your back?
> 
> I found out that so many people knew of my husbands affair but never told me.
> 
> ...


I still can't get anyone to tell me the truth. Amazing how many people will cover for such an awful thing. I could have moved on with my life, now almost ten years later...


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

I would want to know. You are not on a fair ground in the marriage otherwise.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I would always choose the red pill.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

So Sad Lady said:


> Knowing what you know now, how an A can completely crush and kill you when you find out about it, knowing how much pain comes with it, and what a hellish journey it becomes to either R or D, I have a question.
> 
> First, put yourself in your relationship where you were before D-Day – assume you’ve had a happy and healthy marriage, no cheating, no drama…. (I know it’s hard to do as we’re all sitting here in an infidelity forum, but just for the sake of the question).
> 
> ...


I would have to know. I think i remember reading a story where this scenario played out. The words I believe that were said by the BS were. "I feel like everything was a lie because you took the choice away from me." That makes me realize how badly holding on to something for so long can just ruin everything. 
To me it would be like it happened yesterday. Imagine how many of us wouldn't have ever have needed TAM or had to deal with this later on in marriage if the WS had just come clean. I can understand a GF who is unsure what she wants cheating. Then coming clean being honest that they are not ready. I just wonder how many of these men/women just get married out of guilt. If you are not ready to be married don't get married. It doesn't matter if it is the day of the wedding. A bunch of money down the drain from a cancelled wedding is a lot better than a marriage full of misery.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

So Sad Lady said:


> I agree with everything you're saying. I guess that question is a good one too, for the spouse who only cheated once, and never told. But we won't find those people here, on this forum I don't think.
> 
> Having said that, living through what it feels like to be betrayed...I don't know if I was happily married for 20 years, if I would want to feel that complete heartbreak for something that happened so long ago, and never occurred again. (I also am the 1st to say this is a highly unlikely/improbable scenario).
> So, not even really sure what my own answer is.
> ...


 Well, there is another thread about just that. Wfe cheated (ONS), told husband soon after and the marriage seems to be over now. So much for honesty. She seems like a good woman that made a huge mistake. What I wonder is if she never told her husband.

Just one time ONS can happen. Sometimes for no reason at all.

I have been with my wife for 20 years now. Way early on in our relationship, I came close to a ONS. ( a really agressive single mom across the street from me. She was about ten years older than me. I was 25 at the time. She said she had plumbing issues. It wasn't the sink that was clogged. I told my gf (wife now) all about it. She laughed about it. I don't think I could live with the guilt if I would have gone through with it. That is just me.

To answer your OP, If the marriage seemed great in every way and say my wife had an ONS early on in our relationship, if it was just one time, I wouldn't want to know. My wife is my best and maybe my only friend. Even now with all of our issues, When I think of me having an ONS or some stupid affair, I think about what I would lose. 

No... Don't tell me!


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Read this story. the husband found out about an affair that happened back in 19 40. They had 77 years of marriage before the husband discovered the affair. 

99-year-old divorces wife after discovering 1940s affair


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Interesting answers! I see all points here! 

I keep going back and forth, but I think that I would not want to know. Only if - as I stated in the beginning - it never happened again, it was a one off thing and finding out 20 years later wouldn't change the life we had together. 

But then I think about it and I change my mind. 

Actually, I think...If I knew what I know now, and knew how much this all hurts, I don't think I would've gotten married in the first place. 

I would've just bought some cats.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

They'd better be indoor cats, tho', 'cause if they started cheating on you with a neighbor...


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Red Pill please.

My wife was the wayward that kept her serial cheating hidden for years.

I answer the question with a question... How can you truly have a "good" marriage when one spouse has cheated unknown to the other? Lies of that magnitude, regardless of how well hidden, leaks its poison into the deepest depths of a marriage. It destroys the bond (truth) that bind the union.

In my own marriage, my wife's terrible secret ate away at her and our family until there was nothing left but confusion and hate. Imagine the thought of waking up every morning, regardless of "how well things are" knowing that at your core you are nothing more than a liar and cheat to all that love and respect you. 

See the point... a blue pill for both the betrayed and the betrayer.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

RWB said:


> Red Pill please.
> 
> My wife was the wayward that kept her serial cheating hidden for years.
> 
> ...


Your situation is different than the hyothetical situation the OP was askng. Your situation really was terrible. 

If it really was just a one time fling, that is different than many affairs over many years. Either way, the cheater has to live with the guilt. I believe MOST cheaters do feel some level of guilt that will eat away at a marriage.

Ignorance is bliss!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Acabado said:


> I would always choose the red pill.





RWB said:


> Red Pill please.
> 
> My wife was the wayward that kept her serial cheating hidden for years.
> 
> ...


Both of these are spot on with the Matrix relation. I lived in the Matrix for 5 years. I had no idea I was there. Luckily, I got unplugged and took the red pill on March 6th. I'm happier in the truth.


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## Doc Who (Sep 9, 2012)

The Truth shall set you free. Trite words to many, but for those seeking real healing, absolutely necessary.


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