# Separated pending divorce with infant



## Em18 (May 1, 2018)

Seeking advice and guidance. My husband of 12 years recently told me he's been having an affair with another woman. I just have birth to our first child a son which resulted in an unexpected cesearean. I knew things weren't right with him during my pregnancy but it didn't really show in him until I was about 5 months pregnant. I would keep asking him what's wrong but he assured me it was nothing and I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he does work a lot. Before getting pregnant he had gotten a new job. A very good one considering he hasn't any education. He was staying out later and sometimes stated the night over at a coworkers or friends (so he said and I took his word) bc he'd either be drinking or working late at their place and crashed. Admittingly in 2016 I was in a tough place. I was lonely all these nights he left me at home and I drank. Usually a few beers or a small bottle of wine and fell asleep. 

I was grieving over my grandmother's death (she was my mother since birth practically) and departing from the military prematurely. I felt useless. But during the days I kept busy taking boxing classes or helping his sister's babysit since I never got to spend time with them as babies bc I had always worked sometimes up to 3 jobs at a time. In 2017 I quit drinking completely, changed my diet and took up more boxing classes to lose weight. I was completely overjoyed when we found out for my 30th birthday in the summer that we were 5 wks along. All those years I faced difficulty getting pregnant. We were so happy. Buying all sorts of things and thinking of names and whatnot. Holidays come by and my husband starts distancing himself more. I thought maybe he's getting scared or just overwhelmed at work. He would say things like I hope our kid is more like you than me. He bought me a Xmas gift. 

And I was surprised bc he had been sort of ignoring me giving me less and less attention. Which was totally out of his character bc we were always very affectionate towards each other. He was a passionate man. Come the new year 2018 I'm nearly about to pop and he comes by less and less. ( I actually moved in to my mother's apt at about 4 months bc our hone was inadequate for a pregnant woman much less an infant die to mold and holes from the hurricane). He would only text or call asking if I was hungry and had pains yet. He hardly stayed the nights over though I begged him and said I missed him so much. He quit holding my hand, pushing away my attempts to kiss him as he left and told me to stop (at first it would be bc he was sick then it was bc he was dirty from work and been around chemicals then it was just this cold stare that he seemed disgusted by my advances). He quit giving hugs and telling me he loved me. 2 weeks before giving birth after pleading with him what was wrong he tells me we just didn't work out. That I was an alcoholic and like some suicidal depressed woman. 

Which is weird bc if that was the case why did his sister's trust me with their young children and why did he leave me in a home alone many nights with so many firearms that he owns. I blamed myself. While going into labor (22hrs) I went 14 w/o pain meds and was in so much pain. Not a single time did he comfort me or hold my hand. 6 hrs later I was regressing and was suggested that the c secrion was my best option to avoid complications. I was terrified crying because I've never been under the knife. As my son was brought out of my numb body I turned to him crying and said I loved him so much. He said nothing back. He seemed smitten with his first born a large 9.9lb boy but still had no care for my pain. 

The only comfort he gave was a squeeze to my right foot as he left the hospital at night and left me there alone whole my son was in NICU for blood sugar and possibility of jaundice. We've argued since and about a week and a half ago he admitted to having feelings for another woman. I begged and pleaded that we could work things out for our son. I wanted so much for us to be a happy family. But he hurt me deeply saying he couldn't just put on the back burner what he had going on just to see if we worked out. He said we've been rough for the past few yrs and blamed my drinking and depression. Even though everything completely changed when I began trying to get pregnant. So now I've been raising our son alone, jumping from place to place currently living with his sister bc he never got us a home. 

I finally applied for Medicaid for my son and a case was opened up against him. All this time he's been claiming and arguing he's still wants his rights and is still going to provide but hasn't brought us any help in over 3 weeks. He claims that I'm going to lose my son and lose everything bc he says I'm suicidal and depressed. My son is healthy. I am still in recovery and never have I been hospitalized or taken anti depressants. Even with all the stress during my pregnancy and being a first time mom I haven't lost my **** and have been as string as possible for my son. The man I fell in love with is completely gone. He is not anything like himself and completely out of character. He's even given less attention and affection to his family and was always very caring and around for them all. I told him this woman he claims to be with has brought out the ugly in him and any self respecting woman would not condone a relationship with a married man especially one who's wife was pregnant/just have birth. 

I'm so lost. Some days I'm strong. Calling lawyers attempting to divorce borrowing from family to pay bc he said we don't have $ for that right now we can just be separated. I'm so confused. I want so badly to reconcile but he's so far down the rabbit hole I'm convinced now he'll never come back. His family is at a loss for words. His own mother saying he's got evil in him right now (very religious) and I'll just have to wait and he'll come back. Now that child support paperwork has come in he's offering to get me an apt with his brother and his wife. I feel too little too late. He hasn't been living at our old home for weeks. Only has his clothes there. He wants to take my son overnight and when I tell him I have a right to know who he's with he says he's got a right to privacy and he's his father that's all I need to know. 

I've let him take our son alone twice under the condition he brings him back at a certain time. Which he has broken both times. I fear he's trying to get my son attached to another woman and at such a young age confuse him that he won't know that she's not his mother. I'm saddened, stress, mad and completely overwhelmed. I'm trying to get back to work even though I'm not medically cleared bc he hasn't been giving me $. He went completely irrate when I took out cash from our joint acct and said i could just use the card there was no need for me to have cash. Then has threatened to close the acct. He hasnt deposited anything though ge keeps saging he will. Please help with any advice or suggestions. I'm cornered and lost.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

He sounds like a probable dead beat dad. You need to file in order to protect your son. Get a lawyer ASAP. Most will ensure your husband even pays for the divorce out of his pocket and not yours. You are military, you know people change in a heartbeat. Protect yourself and your baby. 

The man that loved you is gone. He doesn't even care about his son's well being. I know this hurts, but he left his family for a piece of ass. You don't want the man he has become. The sooner you file, the sooner you set the rules straight. An infant can not sleep over night at dad's as they need mom the first months of his life. You need your lawyer to place a restraining order against any third parties being introduced to the child. Most of these restraining orders are in effect until the divorce is final. 

He has no idea about divorce and the laws that protect the left behind family. The laws are designed to protect you and your children against men like the one you are seeing he has become. You two are married and the money he earns belongs to both of you. Lawyer up, and watch just how screwed up he will be financially. 

Divorce is strictly business. He will have to pay child support whether he says he has the money or not. If he has a job and earns a salary, he will have to help support his child, especially if you are not working. In some states, he msy be liable to pay spousal support as well. Borrow the money for the lawyer, it is worth the sacrifice!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to file for divorce ASAP and ask for both spousal support and child support. Plus you need a child custody plan in place as soon as possible. 

How old is your son? It seems that he's only a few months old. That's too old for a child to be staying overnight away from his mother. And the fact that your husband does not return the child at the agreed upon time is a huge concern.

You need to find out about divorce laws in your state. Here is one webpage that might help.

Alimony Laws in Kansas | LegalZoom Legal Info

You should be able to get what is called interim spousal support until the divorce is final as well as child support. That means that until you find a job, he will be just about spliting his income with you. Since you are the primary care giver of yoru child, he might have to give you more than 50% of his income.

After the divorce is final, you can possibly get spousal support for up to 2 years + 1/3 the length of your marriage. So that's 6 years. The court will probably insist that you eventually get a job. Once you get a job, spousal support will be adjusted to include your income.

What percentage of your joint income did you earn when you worked?

You can search the internet for things like "yourstate divorce child support" and other topics. Do a lot of reading and learn the law. There are also books sold by places like amazon that cover divorce law in each state.

If you will share the state in which you live, i'll look for more resources for you.


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## Em18 (May 1, 2018)

My son is 6 weeks old. And we live in Texas. The attorney I have spoken to about it says spousal support will probably only be for about 90 days and i will most likely be awarded everything. At the moment my husband wants to give me everything as if he's guilt gifting. Yet still vlames the situation on the both of us now that I defiantly say none of this is my fault because I was oblivious to his decisions while pregnant. Some tell me Im moving too fast others say to hurry up in case he attempts to move assets. He has several accts that i have no access to and he uses for side business if his in top of his salary job. I want to safely assume that he brings in at least 50 grand alone per year bc his regular job is about 35 ish. Ive read some laws about a morals clause being placed. But im afraid he'll lie or try to start living back at home again.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Get yourself to a good piranha family attorney pronto! They will advise you of all your marital and parental rights and will keep you from being walked all over by him!*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Em18 said:


> My son is 6 weeks old. And we live in Texas. The attorney I have spoken to about it says spousal support will probably only be for about 90 days and i will most likely be awarded everything. At the moment my husband wants to give me everything as if he's guilt gifting. Yet still vlames the situation on the both of us now that I defiantly say none of this is my fault because I was oblivious to his decisions while pregnant. Some tell me Im moving too fast others say to hurry up in case he attempts to move assets. He has several accts that i have no access to and he uses for side business if his in top of his salary job. I want to safely assume that he brings in at least 50 grand alone per year bc his regular job is about 35 ish. Ive read some laws about a morals clause being placed. But im afraid he'll lie or try to start living back at home again.


You need to get back into your home and get copies of every piece of legal and financial paperwork that is in the house. That way you will know what his accounts are, etc. Make sure you have his social security number. Get anything of value that you can and sell it. Put the money in an account in your name only.

He lets you use a bank card or credit card? Every time you go shopping, take out some cash... $10 or more. Put that in your account as well.

Texas does have some divorce laws that are not in your favor in this situation. Have you only talked to one lawyer? If so, then talk to more 2 or 3 more. Many will give you a free half hour in the hopes that you will hire them.

https://www.divorcemediationtexas.c...upport-spousal-maintenance-or-alimony-intexas

Alimony - Is It Automatic in Texas? - Texas Divorce Source

You should be able to get spousal support/maintenance until the divorce is final. Then after that you might be able to get it for a few years if you need it after you get a job.

Right now you have a new born baby and no job. You need both spousal maintenance and child support. And you need a child custody plan in place.

You say that some people are telling you to file for divorce quickly and other to wait because his affair might end. I have slightly different point of view. File now so that you get the spousal support, child support and child custody in place. A divorce can take months to complete. If he comes to his senses during the divorce, you can just stop the divorce. But at least you are taking care of your child and yourself at this point. And even if he does not come to his senses before the divorce is final, you can re-marry after the divorce. 

Not filing for divorce will not improve the chances of him coming back to you. Filing for divorce might improve them because nothing kills an affair faster than reality. And the reality of him having to pay child support and spousal maintenance will put a huge strain on that affair.


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## Em18 (May 1, 2018)

I've made the choice to file today. I cant take the secrets anymore. I'm so overwhelmed with all the lies and deceit. Everyone keeps saying not to tgink of tge what ifs concerning him bc he's not worried or having any remorse for the pain and stress im going through. I cant even produce enough breastmilk for my son as i did tge first couple weeks. Currently his father is buying our son diapers, wipes and formula ect. But only bc hes gotten those child support papers in the mail. I've found a different agressive local attorney after seeing some bad reviews online from the first one I talked to. Thankfully i didnt give him all the $ I had saved and borrowed. I'm in the process of moving once again. This cant be at all good for my son but I hace to do what I have to. I'm hoping though I may not like what I find out that I get some clarity from this 2nd life he's been living even though he's saying he has his rights to privacy. I'm just so tired of it all and need to closure with this. I know filing isnt a quick fix to it but at least it's a step in the right direction. He said once before when I asked that he would sign but I hope he doesnt get more upset, threaten/scare me & try to fight this. He hasnt made much effort to be a family man so I don't see why he would. Other than possibly to spite me because he sees how much in love I am with our son & he'd want to break me down more. Wish me luck. This is the hardest ordeal I've ecer faced and it's not easy at all.


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