# How do I make the emptiness go away....?



## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

Some of you will know my story some of you wont, and its a long one so I wont go into it other than to say...about 3 weeks ago was the last time I posted, and at that point I was ready to tell my husband that I wanted a separation because I couldnt deal with what he was putting me through anymore. When I told him that was what I wanted, he bascially said it isnt what he wanted and that he really wanted to give one last try and give it everything we have got. We talked alot about things we were going to change etc... Since that time things have been great (or so I thought) we have been communicating, we went away for a long weekend together, our sex life is back, we have been spending quality time together, and it has felt like things were getting on track. 2 days ago we had what should have been a small arguement ended up turning into one of our massive arguements where he storms out of the house, doesnt answer my calls or messages and then doesnt speak to me for days. This time the arguement was my fault and then during our attempt to correct it I did one of the things I said I wouldnt do. I didnt do it intentionally and the next day (via email cause he wouldnt answer my call) I said how sorry I was, and that I was still trying but that im not perfect and wont get it right every time. But his tone in his reply was very much along the lines that nothing is working, that he cant see this getting any better and that he doesnt think we are on the same page anymore. So I called him and he answered and we talked and I ended up beggining him to give me another try. I hate myself for doing it, because at the end of the day he has been far from perfect during the last 4 months and has treated me extremely badly at some points. Yet I still begged! IT makes me so mad that I did that. We left the conversation with him saying he doesnt know what he wants and he is sick of always trying and that he hasnt actually been happy the last few weeks. I couldnt believe he hadnt told me that cause now I dont know whats real and whats not or whether he just said that to get to me because he had the upper hand. 
Either way he still isnt talking to me...I am so tired of this whole situation, how can I be secure in my relationship if every time we fight he acts like he wants to end it? 

I know that I cant stay in this marriage (so many reasons why) but I dont have the same strength I had a few weeks ago. 

How do I make this pain go away and get on with working on me so that I can tell him its over? 

I am so ready to give up on everything right now


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## Angel2010 (Mar 10, 2010)

Hi Sienna, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Most people have experience the hurt you are feeling right now...including me. It sounds like your husband is really guilty of something else. It seems as if he is trying to turn something small into a mountain so that he can really cover up whatever he is doing. There is no reason for him to treat you like this with you being his wife. I am sort of going through the same thing with my husband. My problem is that he is addicted to porn and he tries to find things wrong that I'm doing and turn the problem around on me. 

What I decieded to do recently is to get into me. I plan to do whatever it takes to get my mind off of my husband because I'm tired of talking. I figure I will show him better than I can tell him. I know it's easier said than done, but we need to find something to occupy our time. Get busy doing something new or something you enjoy. When you are missing him, call a girlfriend or go visit with someone instead. When you stop hounding him and get busy with your life, he will start to wonder what the hell is going on. 

You stated you tried your best talking to him, and he ultimately pushed you to the point of begging him...that pumped his ego. Now, put that behind you and get into you. Go skating, go to the movies, volunteer, go to church....do whatever you have to do to keep youself busy and DO NOT CALL HIM AGAIN....LET HIM CALL YOU AND APPOLIGIZE. I hope this helps. Good luck and take care of you!!


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## lnjh (Mar 25, 2010)

Wow! Angel and Sienna I thought these things only happened to me. My husband has had many indiscretions but I have forgiven him and I do something thats nowhere close to all he's done(although still wrong) years ago and he can't forgive me. For 10yrs he's shown no remorse for his actions but now that he decides that he is going to be a husband for 16 days because a woman called our home he wants be to be this person I was 10 yrs ago, not realizing that I have layers of hurt that has to be removed. He wanted to look through my emails because of his own guilt and when I said no he attacked me saying I have something to hide and I don't but this is the same person that keeps his phone locked so I won't look at it. So since I wouldn't give him my password now he's back to being mean, coming home late and not answering my phone calls but yet he tells me he's doing what is right. For years I've put up with this and I can't keep putting up with this. He will say he wants this marriage to work but then he says I'm not going to tell you what's going on and I hope you can deal with that. I don't understand how a person can do someone that way and not feel guilty. I feel like he wants me to make all these changes when I feel as though all I've done and dealt with I deserve for him to change because we both took vows not just me. Would you believe he's a kid's minister?? I'm far from perfect but I just don't feel I'm getting a good deal.


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## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

The worst part about all of this is that I am the one that is always making the decisions....he acts badly towards me so I tell him I want a separation, he says he doesnt want that but then doesnt make any suggestions as to how to make it work. Right now he doesnt think he has done anything wrong by not talking to me. Thats what kills me....it has been a 2 full nights and a full day since I have made any contact with him. He texted me yesterday to let me know that he was going having a friend over last night, so I made sure I was out and then came home and went straight to bed. I am not going to keep running after him, and if he wants to end this relationship because of one fight after 3 weeks of things going well (or so I thought), then he can be the one to come to me and tell me. I am so sick of being the one that makes the first move. I just started a new job at the beginning of this week and I need to focus on that and having him not talking to me isnt making that easy. 
Angel I know you are right that I need to keep myself busy...but how do you do it when it is the last thing you feel like doing? All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry and keep crying till there are no more tears left so that I can then get on with my life. But I know I cant do that....I cant lose my job, I cant lose my friends or my family...I just dont know how to find the strength. Especially while we are still living under the same roof.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

It's unreasonable to assume that your husband and you are never going to fight again. Part of a healthy relationship is to be able to disagree and work things out in a civil, respectful manner. You shouldn't be beating yourself up because you had a fight. There are always disagreements. Some of them will be your fault and some will be his. You shouldn't have to go through mental Hell as a result. 

Seems like your husband is the one who is always calling the shots. You're not making the decisions..He is. He decides he's into the marriage and begs you to stay, so you do. Then you have a fight and he decides to walk so you capitulate to him and beg him to stay. Now he decides he doesn't want to talk to you or have contact with you so now you leave the house. Talk about being a doormat! It's time that YOU wipe your feet of him and start taking control of your life. 

What would I'd do? I'd go back to Plan A and do that separation. Don't even discuss it, just do it. If your gut was telling you to do it before, then you should do it. At the very least, it's gotta be better than the Hell you are dealing with now. 

My husband used to pull the same crap. Every time we'd have fight he'd threaten to leave. Finally I said "Go ahead, leave". I'd even start mocking and laughing at him saying "Oh, is it time to threaten to walk out and divorce me yet?". Eventually he stopped doing that. I've also done the bit where I've begged him for forgiveness and I agree, you feel like complete and utter crap. Try not to do that but if you do, then just put it behind you. We are all weak in our own way. It's part of being human. 

So go ahead and make those plans to leave and do it. My money is that he'll start begging you to come back. Right now he is just having a grand time having his ego fed while making you feel like crap.

You need to build a life for yourself. I'm big into hobbies. Whether it's joining a book or sewing club or getting into bicycle riding or whatever, get out there and start doing it. It won't be easy, but it'll make you feel whole again and you'll realize that you're whole life isn't about him. Just sitting in the house dwelling isn't going to do anything. 

I would also make sure you are in some kind of therapy if yo aren't already...It sounds like you could use it. If you decide to take your husband back then I'd advise some counseling for both of you. It sounds like you have some serious communication/respect issues. 

Good luck.


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## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

That is such great advice and such a reality check.... and the funny thing is that I know it all, its just so hard to say it to myself. I know that fighting is normal, but for some reason I feel so insecure in our relationship that I act a bit crazy when we fight and I get so desperate to resolve it that I drive him away. 
The thing about this situation is that I wish he would actually make a call that he is going to walk - im tired of being the one that moves out of our place, suggests separation, suggests counselling etc etc and then as soon as he says "no dont leave" or "I dont feel the same way" etc I respond - I either dont leave, or I try to figure out what I can change to make him feel the same way. So you are 100% right in saying he is calling the shots and I know that I need to just go ahead and initiate the separation but why am I so scared to actually do it??? The other thing is that part of me wants to do it cause I know its the best thing for me, but the other part of me wants to do it so he will beg me to stay but I dont think he will this time and that really hurts....The other thing is, that I have left, twice in the last 4 months, im tired of it. If we separate, we both need to leave this time and rent out our place, so that im not paying a mortgage and rent. 

I do have hobbies that I enjoy doing, I like having a life that is independent of his, however when things like this happen I lose motivation to actually do them...even though I know that is detrimental to me. 

I am in my own individual therapr, and up until about 3 weeks ago we were in couples therapy, however after this fight on Tuesday he doesnt think it is working....not sure what to do there...?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Very good question. I've been searching for the answer to that question for nearly four years. I will say that time helps. I also turned to my family, friends, church, hobbies, and a combination of all of them! Please read the book by Gary Chapman titled "The Five Love Languages". Once I read that book I understood what had been going on in my marriage. It was too late to save my marriage, but it is helpful in handling all people.

Counseling? My scenario went much as yours did. Our few trips to the marriage counselor together were awful. He did more harm than good. I did, however, find a wonderful individual therapist. I saw her for nearly two years and accomplished so much. She really helped me to heal and learn how to manage the crazy estranged husband. In fact, the therapist and I became good friends. Even better!

Hope you find what you are looking for.


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## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

Why is that after all of this great advice and the **** that he is putting me through by not talking to me all I want to do is call him? I havent and I wont, but I still long for the closeness. I still have this hope that I will pick up the phone and call and he will say "hey honey do you want to do something with me tonight". I know that wont happen and I know I will probably leave the conversation feeling worse than I already do which is the only thing stopping me from calling. Why doesnt he feel the need to call me or talk to me?

Another big question....why do I only feel like a whole person when he is in love with me, and being affectionate towards me? And therefore why when he isnt talking to me does it completely consume my life and make me hopeless in every other area?


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

sienna: Hand in theremy wife has treated me like crap for almost a year now. I moved out three months ago and hoped everyday she would come back and say she was sorry for all she put me thru. Well she has not and rarly talks to me. My emotions would be like a roller coaster well this week something changed and I cant say what it was but it changed and right now it's me I am working on and if she asked me to come home right now I can say I would not go. I might work on the relationship but she would have to put 100% before I would consider it. So hang in there the feelings will pass. I never thought they would but you are what is important not him.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

sienna said:


> Why is that after all of this great advice and the **** that he is putting me through by not talking to me all I want to do is call him? I havent and I wont, but I still long for the closeness. I still have this hope that I will pick up the phone and call and he will say "hey honey do you want to do something with me tonight". I know that wont happen and I know I will probably leave the conversation feeling worse than I already do which is the only thing stopping me from calling. Why doesnt he feel the need to call me or talk to me?
> 
> Another big question....why do I only feel like a whole person when he is in love with me, and being affectionate towards me? And therefore why when he isnt talking to me does it completely consume my life and make me hopeless in every other area?


Because the heart doesn't always listen to the brain and you are a human being?  You obviously still love this man in some way and want him to feel the same way. I can relate. I went through this for YEARS. It's not pleasant. 

I've felt the same things with my husband over the years. It was only when I was able to pull away and look at things objectively and it became obvious to my husband that we were indeed falling apart as a couple that things changed...and it was him that approached me and started the process of reconciliation. Together we did build a new life together but I had to emotionally detach myself in order to do so. Hopefully your husband still has feelings for you. Either way you have to get a handle on yourself. 

It's kinda weird to have to love someone less in order to being the process of loving someone more, but once you pull away a bit and begin to build your OWN life aside from your husband you will start feeling better about yourself and your NEED for him will diminish. What's driving a large part of your feelings now is need, not love. You need him and he isn't needing you.

If you get yourself on firmer ground emotionally and realize that your world will not end because he isn't in it you'll be able to deal with him in a better way. You'll either figure out a way together as equal partners to build a better relationship or be strong enough to deal with being on your own. 

So you need to work on your dependency on him with your therapist and build a life separate from him and THEN you will be emotionally strong enough to deal with him. Right now the best thing you can do is cut him loose for the time being. Perhaps then the light bulb will go off in his head and he can start missing and wanting you, instead of it always being on your end.


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## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

Thank you all for your advice and your calming words. It seems that this time it is too late for any of that. We have tried and whilst I am prepared to keep trying, I dont think he is. We still havent spoken and it has been 2 full days now. I know in the long run thats nothing but it hurts. The last time I left him and told him I wanted to separate he was the one that came back saying that it wasnt what he wanted and that he would work with me to do what it takes, but it seems now that he has just given up. Like it has all gotten too hard and he doesnt want to keep trying. 
We could spend the next 2 years trying and getting no where. 
I think I have made the decision to separate, I just need to get the strength now to tell him that and not listen if he says it isnt what he wants. I just dont know what other option I have? 
Every time we argue he treats me so badly and shows me no respect at all and for some reason it destroys me every time, and its as though he knows that and uses it to drive his strength. 
But you are 100% right that I need to work on my dependency on him or on anyone else. I do this in every relationship I am in, with ex boyfriends, friends and even my family. 
I think I need to spend a bit more time getting my strength and find my own life again and then I will be able to deal with him. Its just so hard sleeping in the same bed, and living under the same roof and not talking.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sienna said:


> Why is that after all of this great advice and the **** that he is putting me through by not talking to me all I want to do is call him?


Because you have abandonment issues, and every time he whips out the "gone!" flag, you go back into your terror-filled childhood fear of abandonment, your need to be reassured that you are loveable.

That's why therapy for YOU is so essential right now.

You have to learn to be ok with yourself - to LOVE yourself - before you can have a successful marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sienna said:


> I think I have made the decision to separate, I just need to get the strength now to tell him


Don't waste your time doing that - you know the routine already.

Just start taking the steps you need to take to separate. Get your own bank account. Apply for a credit card if you don't have one, while you're still 'stable.' Start a savings account and start putting as much as you can afford in there, for apartment deposit and whatever else it's going to take to move out and move on.

Give yourself a timeframe. 'I'll move out by XX/XX/XXXX' - and stick to it. Gear all your savings and other actions toward that date. 

And by all means, keep seeing a therapist!


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## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

I know I have abandonment issues and I dont know why, and I dont feel like my therapy is helping me work that out. I will continue to see a counsellor...i feel like I have a better connection with our marriage counsellor, and since I dont think he will want to go to her anymore then maybe she can become my individual counsellor. 
How do I know when I love myself? Because before I met him I felt like I loved myself, I was confident, I was secure, I was happy to be alone, and I know thats what atrracted him to me in the first place. And somehow throughout the relationship I have lost that, and I dont know how. 

I am very independent. I have always had a more successful career than him and always earned more money than him, I helped him get the job that he has now that he loves and is making a career for himself out of. I pay all the bills, I control all of our finances. 

I have family that I can stay with for a while before I get into my own place, im just so sick of being the one that has to move out just because he isnt talking to me. I just dont know how to function under the same roof as him whilst he is treating me like this and ignoring me?

How long will he do this for? And why isnt he just ending it with me? I dont understand....
Another question....how do I start to love myself...? What are the types of things I can do to find that inner peace with myself?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

sienna said:


> Its just so hard sleeping in the same bed, and living under the same roof and not talking.


What a horrid situation to be in. Been there, done that. It's now time to climb out of that bed and walk out the door. Don't even bother talking to him. Just leave at this point. You've said all that there is to say and his actions are telling you all that you need to know. Stop waiting for HIM to make the FIRST move. There's no right or wrong way to do this, just DO IT. The fact that you are on firmer ground financially is a HUGE positive factor. Time to start the process of getting your life back together and moving on. Once you actually DO IT you'll feel better. 

As for your therapist. If you aren't happy with the one you have then find another. If your marriage therapist works for you then arrange to see her alone. Many times you have to go through a number of therapists before you "click" with the right one...just like any relationship.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sienna said:


> How do I know when I love myself? Because before I met him I felt like I loved myself, I was confident, I was secure, I was happy to be alone, and I know thats what atrracted him to me in the first place. And somehow throughout the relationship I have lost that, and I dont know how.


 When you stop making up for him, stop doing things that make you uncomfortable, stop feeling like you are 'giving in' for something wrong...stop caving just to keep him happy.



> I am very independent. I have always had a more successful career than him and always earned more money than him, I helped him get the job that he has now that he loves and is making a career for himself out of. I pay all the bills, I control all of our finances.


Good that you make more money, but why did you allow the situation to become one in which he did not have to pay bills? Come on, you KNOW that is wrong.



> I have family that I can stay with for a while before I get into my own place, im just so sick of being the one that has to move out just because he isnt talking to me. I just dont know how to function under the same roof as him whilst he is treating me like this and ignoring me?


A confident person wouldn't care if you had to be the one to move out - you just would. You wouldn't be counting who 'wins' or seeing if he is matching your efforts. That's part of the abandonment stuff. You keep looking for him to PROVE himself, and every time he doesn't, you add that to your proof that he doesn't love you, you are unloveable, what's wrong with you, you'd better stay cos if THIS guy won't prove himself, this loser, no one will.

A confident person wouldn't care if you can function - you'd go to the lawyer, get papers drawn up, go to the police if you have to, and kick his a$$ out of the house.



> How long will he do this for? And why isnt he just ending it with me? I dont understand....


Uh...DUH! YOU PAY ALL THE BILLS! Why on earth would he move out? He's living with a woman with issues who is so insecure she allows him to quit his job and start a business while having no financial responsibilities. WHY would he ever want to leave you? You're his new mommy.



> Another question....how do I start to love myself...? What are the types of things I can do to find that inner peace with myself?


 Find a new therapist. Go to the library and start checking out books and LEARN about yourself.


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