# Pervy dying father in law, need advice...



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Hi all.

Posting this in the ladies lounge as I am wondering if other women here have dealt with this before, but men are also welcome to respond.

A while ago my husband and I were having some conflict over whether his father could stay with us or be in our place unattended. 

Known issues:

* He has an active gambling addiction

* Depending on his mood can be very angry and constantly critical (although not as often with us as other family members). He's also kind of expectant and thankful, like if we go out to dinner it's assumed we will pay, which we would in ant case, but he never says thank you and it gets to me when he spends that time criticising or guilt tripping my husband 

* He also looks at porn, which is none of my business, but it is when it's under my roof. My husband is a sex addict in recovery and I don't want his dad using our computer on our network in our house when we're out to look at porn.

Suspected but not confirmed:

* My wedding ring went missing around one time he stayed with us. I can't know for sure of it was him but he was the only one around that time who was in our place unattended. 

* Suspect he may be dealing prescription opiates with my husband's junkie brother who he lived with until now. We know for a fact that he was for a while but I don't know if that's continuing now. I am doubtful though because husband's bro lives 5 hours away.

The complication is that after years of health struggles, he has now been given 6-12 months to live and is now staying with us, and with my husband's sister (taking turns).

I am pretty uncomfortable but really trying to put my feelings to one side while my husband does his best to deal with the news and to accommodate his father.

Since the news, he has stayed with us twice. The first time all he did was slag off the house we bought, saying it was a mistake and we shouldn't have bought it, that it's crap etc. Just really critical and on our case about everything related to the house. Because I'm pregnant (but probably more because I couldn't help myself because I am sick of him putting me and my husband down) I snapped back a few times and husband wasn't too happy about that. 

Second time he was OK mood wise. But we were out at work during the day and he rang me for our computer password to look at eBay and i gave it to him. Of course I checked browser history when I got home. I could see there was activity in the morning but history and cookies were cleared. I suspect he looked at porn on our computer in our house. I hope I am wrong. 

Both times when he stayed with us recently (and for a while now) I have found him kind of leering at me. I noticed he does this generally when there's "something to see", but it's been more intense lately and it made me really uncomfortable. I don't get the feeling he would ever try to touch me or that he would be inappropriate beyond being pervy. I have not told my husband about this and I don't intend to because he is going through enough and I think it would hurt him. But it's just uncomfortable having to feel like I need to cover my boobs with my arms or wear long loose tops that cover my butt. The other night we were at dinner and I was wearing a long dress and it wasn't low cut but if I bent down a bit or sat a certain way, the top of my cleavage was visible. Not jumping out, but if you're looking for it you might see it. And he was sitting across from me and he kept looking at my boobs and I felt really uncomfortable. 

So when he's over and I want to relax and settle in for the night I am wearing loose clothes and may ng sure I feel covered. I would normally be modest with any male around but I find I am going the extra measure with him. But i just find him looking at me alot and I feel angry, and then I feel bad because he's dying and I don't know if I have a lot of love in my heart for this man that means the world to my husband, as messed up as he is. 

So, it's a **** situation but I'm doing my best to deal with it. I will probably snip back at him here and there when he's critical hut I will do my best to zip it. I am installing a net nanny tonight. And in relation to the perving...

I am wondering if I should say something bold to him when my husband's jot present, like just call him out on it and tell him to keep his eyeballs in his head or something. He wouldn't say anything to my husband because he wouldn't want to take the chance of him believing me or asking me about it. 

Had anyone here dealt with this stuff before, particularly pervy in laws? Did you just put up with it or how did you deal with it? Did the perving escalate to other things?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He is in your home. If he makes you feel uncomfortable, tell him whether your husband is present or not. Also, no need to let him use your computer. It's too easy to pick up a Trojan or a virus from some of those pervy links.

If your husband gives you grief for not kissing his dad's a$$, tell him you are protecting the health of your unborn child by keeping your sanity.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Dying does not give another person precedence to treat others with bad behaviour.

In simple terms, there is no excuse for not following the rules of someone elses house hold whom that person is graciously being housed by.

Me, I'd call him on his pervy behaviour every time he did it. I'd lock out any porn sites through the network (router is better than software for keeping people off certain sites)

I'd also get in home care going with an agency to help when you both need breaks from his medical/personal care.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

"My eyes are up here!"

Say it every time you feel it appropriate. That should get your husband's attention, particular after you tell your husband you don't feel comfortable or safe in your own home when his father is present. Your husband needs to know that you've seen him check you out and it makes you feel very uncomfortable. You absolutely have the right to feel safe in your own home.

Unplug your computer and take the cord with you, when he will be in the house alone, then don't answer his calls.

Some men don't believe that women can "feel" the difference between paying attention and checking her out. We absolutely CAN feel it. Some are more sensitive to it than others.

The fact that he checks you out while your husband is present and you H doesn't notice....that is red flag to me. That is a husband too wrapped up in his own demons to recognize his number one priority with his wife, (her safety)


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Thx all. 

Yeah, I think I will say something next time he pervs at my bits. I think it would be best to call him out in a bold and unexpected way when it's just us there because he will be more likely to behave if he thinks there is a threat that I would tell my husband. I feel that if I say something with my husband present, FIL will try to get him on side somehow and husband will be angry that I didn't tell him about it or run my response past him first. Normally I would argue, but H is under so much stress already with his dad's crap and his family go to him to fix everything. 

I am going to install Net Nanny tomorrow when I get some technical issues sorted out with the computer. He is due to stay with us on the easter weekend but I suspect he may be with us before then ad hoc so I want to be prepared. 

I do believe my husband noticed his dad's general leering, like we'll be out and he'll stare at some girl's butt the whole time she's walking up stairs and his gaze doesn't stop until she's gone. He probably notices some of the leers in my direction but I don't know if he realises the extent of it or how my behavior has changed recently. It's the kind where you feel it, like you really feel he's seeing you naked and imagining something sexual or adding you to the porn movies in his head. I hate feeling sexualised in this way


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Oh yeah, I forgot to add, he had a girlfriend (drug customer we suspect) who was 30. She's not me so it's none of my business but I'm wondering if this is around when he became more leery towards me ...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

What's up with these men? The only man that gets to make Mrs. Conan feel like a juicy steak is me! LOL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

OP - I know you're more looking for female feedback, but I just can't help it.

No offense to your H, but he needs to step up and be the man you married.

I'm divorced, but if my dad (or any other man for that matter) came into my house and checked out my wife like you described, they'd be spitting teeth down the toilet.

The old saying about a man being the "King of his Castle" is only half of it. The woman is the Queen - and she deserves to be!!

There's no reason in hell that you should have to put up with his crap - healthy, dying, father, brother, cousin, handicapped or any other status!!


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

QuietSoul said:


> Thx all.
> 
> Yeah, I think I will say something next time he pervs at my bits. I think it would be best to call him out in a bold and unexpected way when it's just us there because he will be more likely to behave if he thinks there is a threat that I would tell my husband. I feel that if I say something with my husband present, FIL will try to get him on side somehow and husband will be angry that I didn't tell him about it or run my response past him first. Normally I would argue, but H is under so much stress already with his dad's crap and his family go to him to fix everything.
> 
> ...


Your H really REALLY needs to "come to your rescue" in this. If he doesn't, you can't know if he would with a casual friend.

In the alternative, you could just slap the living hell out of him the next time....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Could your husband and his sister afford to rend the old guy an efficiency apartment so he has his own space? Then they could take turns seeing him and down things for him.


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## Rockymts (Mar 26, 2015)

6-12 months.

pull your husband aside and tell him how you feel in the most loving caring way you can. ask him if he could have a talk with him about it.

if it were me I would bit my tongue and grit my teeth. and just realize that your husband is already very disappointed in his father and on top of it he has to help care for him as he dies. Which in of its self is hard but when its for the father that was not really a good father (gambling,drug use,and enabeling his other son with drugs,maybe stealing from his wife). It must be pure hell. some understanding and support as your husband travels down this road might be what he needs the most.

Be his Rock to lean on


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Your H may be going thru a lot right now, but.....you are his wife and you are feeling "unsafe" in the presence of his father. Can't he stay in a hotel near by? If he was a stranger, you wouldn't think twice of having him there. What about casually telling him what's up. He's got a right to know. What if your mom was doing it to your H? You would want to know, right?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm unclear on if you have said anything to your H straight up, or not?

If not, tell him to get his dad in line! This is his responsibility!

(My H would put him out on the streets for it...not that this is a good thing, just giving you perspective).


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Personally, I would find other living arrangements for him. That may sound harsh, but you're pregnant. The last thing you need is the added stress of a pervy interloper.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He is not long for this world. I expect you intend to spend much of the rest of your life with your husband, who, presumably, will be around a long time. Making nice with his father give your husband the opportunity to spend time with him before he leaves this veil of tears. Making your husband choose between two obligations isn't going to improve your relationship with your husband. I'd cover up and suck it up until the old guy passes. I have no idea what your parents' conditions are but you might need your husband to suck it up for you in the future. We cared for a younger dying friend for a couple years in our home. He was occasionally critical and sometimes inappropriate, but he was also eaten up with cancer and taking loads of mood altering, mind altering meds. By the end, he barely knew he was in this world. It wasn't tea with the queen but he needed help and we were able to provide it. That meant a lot to his family (who lived far away) and it gave us some satisfaction that he didn't die alone or with strangers. We're all going to die and we're all difficult, odd, or annoying at some point in our lives.


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