# Knowledge is power, every little helps please



## FatherElectricity (Sep 3, 2015)

Here is my story. 

We have been in a relationship for 20 yrs, married for 8. We have 2 children, 18 and 14. I have just found out my wife has been having an affair for the last few months and does not plan to stop. A week ago I asked her why she had been on her phone constantly chatting with the OM and she admitted an affair was taking place with this married man. My initial reaction was extreme anger of course. She sat quietly while I raged. Since then she has met up with OM under my nose and even stayed away a few nights and said she was planning a week away with him! (This nasty behaviour is totally out of character and really dumbfounded me) It has left my self esteem in tatters and my head a mess. 

Neither of us have walked out so we continue to have dialogue and discussions and live under the same roof. She has said some very hurtful things such as never loved me, sex life abysmal, no passion etc, etc. However she said she is also very sorry for the pain she is putting me through and says I do not deserve it. She says she has only loved me as a brother for the last 10 years or so. Our sex life has been intermittent over that period. She had a one night stand about 4 years ago and we briefly went to counselling which probably just papered over cracks. She says that the OM has awoken her passion for a love life. 

After our recent discussions she has made me start to believe that we were not meant to be together by pointing out all our differences and our (mainly mine) failings. She has lots in common with OM and I almost begin to feel she may well be happier starting a life with him. She says she has not been able to give me any affection for the last 10 years and that all the feeling in our relationship has only come from my side, me giving but receiving none in return and that makes her feel empty inside. I am struggling with the dilemma of still loving her and wanting to live together under one roof no matter what or making the decision to split and start again, breaking up our family unit. The thought of the OM helping to bring up my children is abhorrent to me. 

Splitting would also be difficult for me financially. I feel extremely guilty for not addressing our problems earlier as she has mentioned her concerns for a number of years. I am also unsure I can be the person she would have wanted me to be anyway. At the present moment I am attacking the 'list' of jobs that have needed doing over the years with gusto… no doubt this will seem far too late for her and cause more derision. 

Regarding divorce, we have mentioned it but neither of us are looking forward to the upheaval that it will cause. I believe the OM is willing to leave his wife as he is in a loveless relationship.

More background.

The lack of intimacy in our marriage has been caused (I think) by us not developing and discussing our changing emotional needs as we grew older. As a man I followed an all too usual pattern of struggling to change my lifestyle after having children. My wife brought up both our kids pretty much on her own through their early years, as well as holding down a full time job. I was away a lot during the first 10 years and really was only a part time father - which of course seems incredible to me now. 

After 10 years I started getting my act together a little but my enthusiasm for doing family things and socialising with her family and friends was always pretty low and I think this really turned her off. Don't get me wrong it was not all doom and gloom but I sure seemed a natural at throwing buckets of cold water over many social and family occasions. 
Basically I was not very family orientated but still a loving father and husband. We had a few discussions about this but with children, work and tiredness we never really got it sorted. I now work from home and see the kids off to school everyday while my wife leaves for work at 6 am and doesn't. In her eyes, something else far from ideal. 
Since then our intimacy has been stop start to say the least and maybe a year ago she said she was worried she didn't feel anything anymore, but that she also may have not felt properly for years. We took no immediate action, again incredible as it seems now. 

I think if she maybe put the same amount of effort into the marriage as this affair then things may have been different but I think this affair started out with her and the OM just being friends, so pretty slowly. How do you restart a 20 year relationship in the same way? By recognising problems and agreeing to some form of action? Doesn't sound very natural and those are the sort of plans I know she hates, trying to force a reawakening... 

The OM and my W do not work together but they share the same hobby which has taken them away with groups quite often in the last year. I have met the OM on a number of occasions. He has a teenage child. My W and I share pretty much no hobbies which is another of her bug bears.

A few people know of the affair. My mother in law and brother in law, a few of her work colleagues and her closest friend. I have told two of my friends who live abroad. 

The actual D Day was only 2 weeks ago so I feel I am still at an early stage, where my emotions are rollercoasting thru my head and heart. One minute I think I know what to do the next everything is collapsing around me. I guess this is natural. For the moment I am hanging on to the solid advice of eat. sleep, exercise in order to continuing to run the household family life.. oh the irony !

I am now at the point of telling the children, although am unsure on the method. I know my W would like to do it together but I fear the spin she would put on things so I am thinking of doing it alone, possibly with a letter just outlining the facts of the A and the current situation.

Any thoughts, advice welcome, as I am sure all reading this will know, its a hellish situation to be in.


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

You write about bringing up your children. Well they seem to be 'old' enough by now. 
I am never sure why one has to 'tell' children that a parent is having an affair. All you need to say is that you are divorcing. I dont see you have much choice. Financial arrangement are always difficult but somehow one manages in the end.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

What marriage are you trying to save here? No affection for 10 years? Ten years? 

There is no marriage. Just you being used for parental help and your paycheck. Bounce this woman. You are miserable because you allow her to disrespect you, all the while talking, talking, talking. Where has that got you? Start doing some showing.

1). First of all, stop talking. She does not respect you and doesn't give a sh!t what you say. 

2). Go see a lawyer. As in yesterday. Start the filing process. Don't to talk to her about it....do it. Don't tell her you are doing it. Have her served at work or in public. 

3) If you have not done so, expose expose, expose. Tell her family and yours. 

4). Separate your finances immediately. Take half your savings and isolate it in a new savings under your name only. Start having your paycheck go into your own account under your name only. Cancel all joint credit cards.

5). Start doing the 180 to emotionally detach. You say you have been on the distance program a sa husband and dad....well, that should not be difficult. 

6). Get into independent counseling....talk to someone. 

The only way you are going to get out of this in any positive way is to start showing strength and leadership...something you have delegated to your wayward wife over the years ....unfortunately. 

You may have very well deserved her emotionally detaching from you...but you didn't deserve to be cheated on. That is on her. Now you need to get out of the "woe is me" mode, pull up,your pants and start showing some self respect. File for divorce. It so the only thing that might stand a chance of knocking her out of the affair....or it will solidify her plans to leave your for the OM. It looks like it could go either way. But at least you will not be in this limbo anymore.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OP, sorry to have you here.

I have a number of questions:

First, why are you assuming all the blame for her despicable behaviour ? Your marriage may have been faulty and the two of you could be equally to blame for that, but cheating is completely on her. You need to understand that this is despicable behaviour and that makes her a despicable person.

Second, why do you still love her ? No affection for 10 years, lying and cheating, disrespecting you by fvcking him while still being with you in the house and still married, and even going away with him. This is her running away from her problems at home to follow her lust with this POSOM (and he is a POS for carrying on with a married woman and also while he is married himself). What's to love here ?

Third, why did you let her get away with it the first time ? These two may not be the only times she has done this - just the only times you have caught her.

Finally, what does she stand to lose from divorce? Your kids are grown up. She works. Presumably the POSOM works too. So it may not be financial. So what does she lose ? If nothing then speed her on her way. Would she be embarrassed if her family knew what she was up to? And don't lie to your kids (no matter what others here may say) - kids need to know that she went off with another man while married. You can sanitise the verbiage but don't lie about it else it will come back to bite you later on.

Take care of yourself and find someone who appreciates you and is willing to work with you through thick and thin, good and bad, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health etc etc Someone who takes these vows seriously.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my friend.

File for Divorce ASAP. Your wife does not love,does not respect you. She is going on dates with this other man while you stay at home !!!

She says she is not in love with you for over 10 years,sex was never good,well good for you,another reason to just file for D.

Your kids are BIG kids,and they will understand,but they will never understand why their father is at home while mom is at hotel with other guy.

Please just file for D,you will be a much better and happier person when you get rid of her as your wife.

Your in laws know this and they dont do anything,it is such a shame,but at least you know now they never respected you eather.

Stay strong my friend and file for D 

Grettings from EU


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

What your wife is doing is completely wrong regardless of the circumstances of your marriage. You have to call her out on that one, she must move out of the house and you expose her activities to the OM's wife (immediately), your family, her family, friends, etc. Contact a lawyer to discuss the financial matters and what would happen in a divorce, file the papers, you have to act strong and take control of the situation. 

Your wife appears to have valid complaints about the marriage but she should have the decency to file for divorce before getting involved with someone else, it shows a lack of respect for you, her kids and the family as a unit.

So, blow up her little arrangement with the OM, this all will probably end in divorce anyway unless your wife is expecting you to make one last grand gesture to win her back, but the longer the A with the OM goes on there is little chance of that.
Sorry you are in this position but I am most sorry for the kids.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> What marriage are you trying to save here? No affection for 10 years? Ten years?
> 
> There is no marriage. Just you being used for parental help and your paycheck. Bounce this woman. You are miserable because you allow her to disrespect you, all the while talking, talking, talking. Where has that got you? Start doing some showing.
> 
> ...



Bandit, you seem to put all the blame on her but it appears he was very much an absent husband (she brought up the kids, they did nothing together, he didn't like to socialize at family gatherings etc, this is probably a mild version too). The emotional and physical (because it is partially physical) abandonment of a wife is one of the most difficult circumstances to overcome in a marriage as she becomes numb and eventually crosses a line where she is unwilling to work out things. It appears the OP's WW has done this. How she is doing it is wrong, but if she has brought this up over and over again, with no response or action, then it is what it is. :frown2:


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

First thing that occurred to me is that, the way she's going about this, she's clearly resentful of the OP.

That obviously doesn't make it okay, or justify it in any way, but all the same.

My advice is short and sweet - file for divorce. It may not actually be what she wants, believe it or not. There's a chance she's behaving this way in order to get your attention - something she believes she's been lacking from you. This might be a last, desperate cry for attention from you. My opinion (based solely on what you've written, so it could be wrong) is that this HAS been a wake-up call for you. An "Oh s***" moment, if you will.

But even if it IS that, it's inexcusable. So honestly, I'd just leave, but without any acrimony. People can have civil divorces, and even remain friends afterwards. There are clearly some major, major problems in this marriage, to have one partner resort to something like this.

So if (IF), she actually is in love with this OM, who is also married, then she can have him. The odds that he'll actually leave his wife for her are slim, we all know that.

And that gives you the opportunity to start over again, and this time be an attentive and loving husband.


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

FatherElectricity said:


> She has said some very hurtful things such as never loved me, sex life abysmal, no passion etc, etc.


It's easy for her to rewrite history now. It can't possibly be true that she never loved you; she wouldn't have married you in the first place if this were the case. 



> I am struggling with the dilemma of still loving her and wanting to live together under one roof no matter what or making the decision to split and start again, breaking up our family unit. The thought of the OM helping to bring up my children is abhorrent to me.


Well, your 18-year-old is already raised. Your 14-year-old is almost all the way there, and is sufficiently grown up that this other fellow will leave little or no developmental impression. I, too, place strong value on the idea of the "family unit," but is such an ideal more important to you than your own happiness and self-respect?



> Any thoughts, advice welcome, as I am sure all reading this will know, its a hellish situation to be in.


You won't be able to save your marriage if she has no desire to do so. Both of you are going to have to want it. Twenty years is a long time to invest in someone, but it's not impossible to start over. I do wish you the very best.


Quigster


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

180, expose, 180, file, 180.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

FE,

Your situation reminds of the movie "Bridges of [email protected] County". With the exception that your wife continues on with the affair. But not only that, she does it with your full knowledge while still under your roof; totally disrespecting you in the process.

Compared to a lot of BS's that come here, you are fortunate. You don't have to make an agonizing decision; no pondering of whether to R, no judging her remorse. She's made the decision for you. You simply have to file for divorce and move on with your life.

That doesn't mean it's easy; doesn't mean you shouldn't be devastated; but at least it's not complicated.

Implement the 180 and file asap. 

Sorry you're here.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> 180, expose, 180, file, 180.


Agreed.

Talk to his wife. We see many times here a man play a woman and lie about his relationship being bad with his wife. Find out if he is really willing to dump his family by telling his wife what is going on. This has a good chance of ending the affair.

Her rubbing your nose in it is a reaos to go talk to a lawyer now. You have a good chance of getting primary custody. What state do you live in?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, its very common for the cheating spouse to exagerate the problems in the marriage and rewrite the history. The affair has probably been going on a lot longer than you know.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Another thing FE,

If in your quest for knowledge, you come across Dr. Harley's Marriage Builders website; and you read about his "plan A" as a way to attempt to save your marriage - think long and hard about that. This one man's opinion is that you will lose all self respect by trying it.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

She carries on seeing the OM under your nose was the hardest thing to see

Please read the reply's as there are enough to make a short term plan then implement TODAY

The only person currently in a marriage at the moment is you


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

FatherElectricity said:


> Since then our *intimacy has been stop start* to say the least and maybe a year ago she said she was worried she didn't feel anything anymore, but that she also may have not felt properly for years. We took no immediate action, again incredible as it seems now.
> 
> I think if she maybe put the same amount of effort into the marriage as this affair then things may have been different


Men, to protect their own egos, don't listen to what their wives say. You, my man, are a classic example of not listening. When she said she was worried she didn't feel anything anymore, it meant she was worried you'd be want to be intimate and it trouble her to think about it. So, if you analyze it, my guess is the "start" was you and the "stop" was her.
If you've got any sense, you'll start prepping for the inevitable; divorce. I know you think you'll take a hit financially but she sounds like she been gone a while and just a matter of time before she cashes you in for salvage. Saddle up your horse, get ready for the last round up.


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## FatherElectricity (Sep 3, 2015)

Thanks for all the comments. Most of them seem spot on, it's tough love being dished out here by most of you guys! I am taking a general vibe of a gradual loss of respect for me by my W over the years with the ultimate action being this A which I can imagine is to finally boot me out the door! It's a pretty bitter pill to swallow but there it is. So.. In order to keep from totally having a breakdown I need to do things right re the D. Being the lazy sod I am, it's tempting just to let her sort it out ... Just kidding folks, I have made appointment to see lawyer and will get on with things. We live in continental Europe so filing and serving papers doesn't happen, you go to mediation and sort it all out in a civil way over a coffee. Unfortunately I signed a pre nup so the house is hers, but we'll see what we can sort out. Can't say I'm looking forward to it but as Yazz once said, the only way is up.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

aine said:


> Bandit, you seem to put all the blame on her but it appears he was very much an absent husband (she brought up the kids, they did nothing together, he didn't like to socialize at family gatherings etc, this is probably a mild version too). The emotional and physical (because it is partially physical) abandonment of a wife is one of the most difficult circumstances to overcome in a marriage as she becomes numb and eventually crosses a line where she is unwilling to work out things. It appears the OP's WW has done this. How she is doing it is wrong, but if she has brought this up over and over again, with no response or action, then it is what it is. :frown2:


Go back an re-read what I said. 

I acknowledged he screwed up by being an absentee dad and husband.

The affair is on her alone.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Serial cheater.....rewrites history and blameshifts all problems in the M on to you for her being a traitor.....no remorse and will not stop.

Expose the A's to OMW, both you families, and all friends...then file for D.....only speak with her about the kids and D.

And stop blaming yourself for her betrayal.....you undoubtedly were not a perfect spouse (no one is), but I doubt she was a perfect saint either....and YOU didn't run off to become a backstabbing POS.

Her A's (and you only know about 2....there are probably others) are all on her....and clearly show she is a particularly disgusting and sh*tty person.....to use a man for his financial resources and lifestyle for 10 years while she repeatedly betrays him.

Get rid of her...both physically as well as this mental image you have of her as a good woman who you 'forced' into A's because of your own faults.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

FatherElectricity said:


> She has said some very hurtful things such as never loved me, sex life abysmal, no passion etc, etc. However she said she is also very sorry for the pain she is putting me through and says I do not deserve it. She says she has only loved me as a brother for the last 10 years or so. Our sex life has been intermittent over that period. She had a one night stand about 4 years ago and we briefly went to counselling which probably just papered over cracks. She says that the OM has awoken her passion for a love life.


Look here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/288322-im-not-sexual-person-ww.html


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Don't let fear of the financial fallout stop you from staring the divorce process. Yes, your lifestyle will change. But, you'd be surprised at how happy you can be living a more simple lifestyle once you remove the constant stress of a strained relationship. 

I'm not sure what your situation is, but is it 100% that you won't be the residential parent? My XW cheated multiple times with multiple partners. During our divorce I negotiated with her that I would stay in the home and care for our minor children. Once they are grown I'll move out and the house is hers. The grown children can move out on their own, stay with her or move out with me at that time. 

That may not work in your country, or in your situation. But I guess what I'm saying is be creative. Think about what will work best for your family in the long run (realizing that reconciling is out because your WW has no intention to).


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Let me understand the sequence of events here:


You start a relationship (living together ?) 20 years ago.

After two years you have your first kid and then four years later, you have your second kid.

Two years after that you two decide to get married but she has you sign a prenup (why ? strange ...) - remember that you had been living with her for 8 years and common law husband and wife rules apply - you didn't have to sign a prenup!

Two years after that (according to her) your sex life stops or goes down dramatically and she is not attracted to you - but doesn't tell you this. You have been together for 10 years at this stage. You are getting your act together but you don't do things with her family and friends.

Then six years later she has a one night stand that you find out about (could have been others from the sounds of it). You rug sweep and carry on regardless.

And now she is having an affair and doesn't want to stop and both of you are now considering divorce.


This whole sequence suggests that she has been at this a lot longer and a probably with more OM than you know about.

Also she now feels strong enough to move on since this particular POSOM wants to settle down with her (we shall see for how long, though).

And you have been trying to nice her back into staying with you (which as we all know here, never works).


It is clear that she was just waiting for the right POSOM to come along before dumping you. You need to file and expose like everyone is telling you to. And don't give up any rights regardless of the prenup - you were with her long enough before that prenup.

Take care.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear FatherElectricity,

As others have said, your best course of action is to expose your WW's affair widely, begin the legal process to end your marriage, disengage emotionally (do the '180'), support your children and improve yourself (proper diet, lots of rest, working out, no alcohol or drugs).

Maybe that will snap her back into reality. However, based on what you've told us about the state of your marriage and her proclivities (multiple infidelities), the odds are low of this happening. Nevertheless, you need to do these things for your own sake, as the longer your remain in limbo the greater your loss of self-esteem and the longer your recovery will take.

As of this moment, your goals should be to become the best person you can be without your WW and the best father you can be to your children. The road will be long and you will experience set backs, but many others have trod this road and ended up in a far better place. You, too, can do this.

Wishing you the best.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Manfromlamancha, 

Great breakdown!!

OP get though your head at this point she hates you! Read about the "fog". It is bullshyt that she is sorry she is causing you pain. This s her pay back! Ending the marriage a year ago would have hurt, but now like this? A year ago she should have told you "I regret that this marriage is over and I will more on.". Loves you like a brother, really this is how she would treat her brother?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Nothing to add but investigate the miracle substance called "testosterone".

I have way too much and sometimes get angry and aggressive when I shouldn't.

You seem like you might be tipped in the other direction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Your big mistake was letting her get away with the first affair. Once she saw that you didn't do anything about it, then she did it again.

If it was me and she told you that she's still in the affair and will continue, you should have told her not while she's living under the same roof with you and the kids. I would have got her suitcases and told her to start packing and go live with him but she was no longer welcome in the home.


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## FatherElectricity (Sep 3, 2015)

She owns the house, I don't think I could have kicked her out. 

What would be anyone's thoughts if she says she has no faith in restoring our marital relationship but refuses to break up the family and is willing to end the affair. In other posts I have read about 'no contact' messages to OM's but how do you go about it and is it wise? I am of course skeptical myself of continuing the marriage but am also loathe to leave my children. It seems we would be staying together for the wrong reasons but has this path any chance of working out. I stress that while infidelity has undoubtedly damaged our marriage we are still able to converse very well and get on with each other. After re reading this think I can guess the majority of the responses.. I am gonna end up extending this horrid situation..


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Expose to his wife.

Cheaters lie, I'd bet the OM isn't looking to divorce and his wife doesn't know.

Besides what do you have to lose?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

6301 said:


> If it was me and she told you that she's still in the affair and will continue, you should have told her not while she's living under the same roof with you and the kids. I would have got her suitcases and told her to start packing and go live with him but she was no longer welcome in the home.


In all states, that I am aware of, you cannot simply kick someone out of their place of abode. You'll need a court order to do that.
While it my feel good to say, "I'll kick them out", you cannot legally do that even if you are the sole owner or lessee of the property. What you can do is make life so miserable they will want to leave.

Based on old FE's comments about it being her house, I think part of handleing his problem is he's been homesteading.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I am gonna end up extending this horrid situation.."

Yep...I would agree with this.

And don't stay just for kids....my maternal grandfather did that and it cause serious and long lasting damage and problems in my extended family.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

1). Dude seriously. Stop being a doormat. It's embarrassing. Find your inner klingon and use it! Get angry. She's a serial cheater. I'm betting more than you know of.
2). How is the house NOT marital property?
3). Read the "romps with loverboy" thread by luvmyjava. Your wife sounds like his pscho soon to be ex wife. Buckle up. It's gonna get ugly.
4). You at war with your wife. Start acting like it or you are going to get run over by her even worse.
5). Are you in NC SC GA VA or TX. If yes, get proof of her affair and keep it safe. It will make a big difference in those states. Note safe means not at you house and several copies.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I went through this shyt 5 yrs ago and it was tough, but I knew i had to have the confidence to let my old lady go ....even if i had to fake it.
The best thing i did was show my old lady her new reality by going out and working on my self and showing her the distance her betrayal diiserved.

The way I saw it is "phuck her I can can let her go just like she let me go" I was not about to sit around while she phucked around.

I spent time with the kids , worked out and started getting back into my hobbies. Its odd... they go and phuck around but if for one second they think you are phucking around they go ape shyt.

My best advise is show her the indifference she deserves (the 180) and go buy some new clothes get a trim and break up your time between the kids and doing shyt for your self.......

Next time she doesn't come home at night figure that as abandonment and put her crap in the garage. Go a head and ask her to leave....just saying...those words will show her you are confident enough to let her go....so ya she won't leave and ya she will be pissed she has to move all her shyt back into the house put it makes a statement that you are done with her crap.

And ya the next time she doesn't come home move her crap out into the garage and tell her you weren't sure if she was coming back or not.

I know you love your old lady but the best thing you can do as JUST LET HER GO...it might save your marriage!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

FatherElectricity said:


> Any thoughts, advice welcome, as I am sure all reading this will know, its a hellish situation to be in.


Your background doesn't matter.

The only thing that matters is that you ENSURE that your spouse knows you WILL LEAVE if she doesn't stop cheating.

Period.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Start collecting boxes and stack them in the family room and when she ask what the phuck are the boxes for then tell her sooner or later one of us is moving out.

At the end of the day brother you have to *show* your old lady you will not share her.

it's time to show her the new reality by cutting her off with the dough and taking her off your life insurance.

When you go in to get checked out ( and ya get your ass checked out for STD's) and the doctor asks you if you have any symptom just tell him " ya a cheating wife" he will also give you some stuff to take the edge off....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There is only ONE thing that cheating women understand: cheat on me and I divorce you.

Period.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dyokemm said:


> "I am gonna end up extending this horrid situation.."
> 
> Yep...I would agree with this.
> 
> And don't stay just for kids....my maternal grandfather did that and it cause serious and long lasting damage and problems in my extended family.


Ya, nothing like bearing witness to your kids in how to have a sexless, unhealthy, phucked up marriage so they can do the same when they grow up.:frown2:

My folks taught me well and now I am here at TAM for the last 5 years:surprise:


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

FatherElectricity said:


> What would be anyone's thoughts if she says she has no faith in restoring our marital relationship but refuses to break up the family and is willing to end the affair. In other posts I have read about 'no contact' messages to OM's but how do you go about it and is it wise? I am of course skeptical myself of continuing the marriage but am also loathe to leave my children. It seems we would be staying together for the wrong reasons but has this path any chance of working out. I stress that while infidelity has undoubtedly damaged our marriage we are still able to converse very well and get on with each other. After re reading this think I can guess the majority of the responses.. I am gonna end up extending this horrid situation..


FE,

You really aren't thinking clearly. Consider:

- Who the h*ll cares if she _"has any faith in [y]our marital relationship."_ The question is, do you?

- She can't refuse to break up the family. Rather, it's up to you to decide whether you continue to live with her or not.

- As for her being willing to end her affair, so far, she's refused. Until she changes her mind, your conjecturing is nothing more than mental m*sturbation.

- The same goes for a NC letter. Until she stops cheating, it would be meaningless.

- If you divorce her, you wouldn't be leaving your children. If anything, given their ages, they might end up spending more time with you than with their cheating mother.

- Would _"staying together for the wrong reasons"_ have _"any chance of working out."_ Of course it could work out . . . as long as you are willing to live the life of a cuckold. Are you?

- The only reason you are _"able to converse very well and get on with each other"_ is because you are tolerating her adulterous behavior. That's nothing to be proud of.

I don't mean to be harsh. I realize how hard this is for you. But you are not going to find your way out of the mess you are in by caving in to her and learning to live with her wickedness.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Father Electricity

Go talk to the OM's wife.

Get the other side of the story.

Do not tell your wife you are doing this.

And when you sit your kids down tell them he truth.

"I can no longer tolerate your mother sleeping around and having a boy friend while married to me."

They'll understand enough from the truth. Maybe your lying, cheating, marriage rewriting wife will understand as well.

Show her the new you.

HM


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

FE,

Your "what if she..." idea is wrong on so many levels. Take time to read Dykomen's past posts on other threads. Do you know to find them?

Accept the fact your wife has gone from love, to disappointment, to dislike, to hate, to indifference combined with a need for payback. In your first post you recounted her response to your question: "oh that phone call, I was just planning a WEEK vacation with my adultery partner, no big deal, why do you ask?"

She has all the warmth, concern and affection for you as a lab scientist towards a cage full of cute little bunny rabbits. You need to read and practice the 180 to DETACH to divorce and read about the fog. You need to be postings questions about these subjects and how to implement them. At least you have an appointment with a lawyer, keep it, and keep postings.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

afab said:


> You write about bringing up your children. Well they seem to be 'old' enough by now.
> I am never sure why one has to 'tell' children that a parent is having an affair. All you need to say is that you are divorcing. I dont see you have much choice. Financial arrangement are always difficult but somehow one manages in the end.


I think it is important to expose the affair to the children because they know something is wrong. Without the truth you are teaching them to lie and cover up embarrassing things. You are teaching them that people can do the unacceptable and others will cover it up for them. You are hurting their trust/relationship with you because they are not stupid. They see and sense things. On some level, at some time, they will know you lied about it.

And most of all - they tend to believe the world revolves around them - if you don't tell them about the affair, they tend to think it is somehow their fault.

Also, they may blame the innocent parent for years an years for breaking up the family.


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## FatherElectricity (Sep 3, 2015)

Current situation.

After pressure from me W agreed to end A so we could move on in whichever direction, D or R. This 'end' lasted all of about 7 hours before she was back in contact with OM.

She now says no PA but cannot quit EA so suddenly.

I have been trying the 180 but keep slipping back to consoling moments when her tears flow and she says she's on the verge of breakdown. She says she is being pulled in 2 directions by me and the OM and sometimes wishes we would both leave her alone. 

She is petrified kids will come with me as I am primary carer. I have seen lawyer and this may well be the case. I have mentioned a few times we need to go to mediation to start D but she ignores and blocks it out (her words)

I know I have to be strong on the 180, but any suggestions on how long I should be doing it? 

Also our oldest child now knows everything but the 14 yr old nothing (well, no details). I'm feeling this is really unfair on the 14 yr old.

Once again I am a European citizen so no filing papers, no issuing fancy lawsuits, no advantage due to being a BS. And no overturning pre nups. All divorces are caused by 'irreconcilable differences' in the judges eyes, that's it.

Thanks again everyone..


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Stop consoling her.

All of this mess is the result of her own A's.....and I'm betting that in 10 years of cake-eating and using you for financial and child-rearing support, there are far more than the 2 you know about for sure.

Let HER deal with the emotional fallout of the destruction she has reigned down on you and her kids.

You need to file for D immediately for your sake and the sake of your kids.

Only when she sees for certain that her cake-eating days are over might she wake up to the fact that if she doesn't start working very hard and fast to repair what she has done to your M, she will lose her life as she knows it.

And expose the A's to both families and all friends after you file....family and friends who care about your M will be your allies in waking her up to how horrible her behavior has been and how close she is to losing her husband and family if she doesn't act fast.

And expose to POSOM's BW...give that scumbag something else to worry about than trying to convince your WW to stay in the A.....he will too busy trying to stop his own life from crumbling to try and be her KISA.....will probably throw your WW under the bus to his own BW in a lame attempt to save himself as well.


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## FatherElectricity (Sep 3, 2015)

Thanks for reply. 

A few notes. She's not been using me for finance, she has a good job and earns more than me. I work from home so have been primary carer last 10 yrs, whilst still making substantial financial contribution. She owned the house before we were married and will keep it due to pre nup.

Also the OM's W has been informed and 'took it remarkably well' apparently... maybe she's seeing a nice pay off, who knows. Don't think the OM is bothered about saving his M anyway.

I'm seeing another lawyer next week and then going to arrange appointment with my W at divorce mediation - thats how it goes in Europe. Will try to expose to family and friends but is bloody degrading to say.. and upsetting of course.

Thanks again..


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I don't see why you make this so hard for yourself. Dump her. You act like she is the only woman who could ever love you. She has you suckered. 

There are lots of women in the world. You need to dumps this hag and go out and find another.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Stop letting her fence sit. Start the mediation process. Primary caregiver or not maybe it is time she started being a 50% parent and you got a job and became a 50% parent. 

She might actually learn how hard your job really is. 

Stop being nice to her and comforting her. She does not deserve it. 

And if you did not speak to the OMW yourself then someone is most likely lying that she is indifferent to their affair. 

Remember. Nice guys finish last. 

HM
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

FatherElectricity said:


> Current situation.
> 
> After pressure from me W agreed to end A so we could move on in whichever direction, D or R. This 'end' lasted all of about 7 hours before she was back in contact with OM.
> 
> ...


Listen dude.

You need to get yourself the hell away from this abusive wife. What are you doing man? If it's her house, then move the hell out and take your kids with you (at least part time - talk to your lawyer).

But you need out, like yesterday.

And to expose her to everyone, far and wide. Especially the other man's wife.

How you do the 180? I dunno, man, it's hard. You just do it. Me, I learned to get my pain out in the gym or dojo or at the pub with my buddies.

How long do you do it? Parts of it forever.

And I'm sorry to say man but right now reconciliation is off the table. She's been in a long term disrespectful affair, it isn't her first one, there's probably been others, and it probably isn't her last.

So get the gone, man. What would you tell your 14 year old if he or she was married to someone like your wife? 

Why are you not doing that?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

FatherElectricity said:


> Thanks for reply.
> 
> A few notes. She's not been using me for finance, she has a good job and earns more than me. I work from home so have been primary carer last 10 yrs, whilst still making substantial financial contribution. She owned the house before we were married and will keep it due to pre nup.
> 
> ...


The degradation isn't yours.

It's hers. She is the one that broke her vows to you. Again and again and again.

Remember that.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I am from Europe too my friend,but Marriage should have the same meaning in the whole world.
Apparently your wife thinks otherwise.

Stop thinking about money,think about your happines.
Your kids will respect you even more when they found out about mom and her affairs,they are grow ups now.

Stop consoling her,she lost that when she turned her back to you and her family.

I dont have money but I am happy. I live in small two bed apartment and have a nice job as a male pediatric nurse. Found my mom is cheating on my dad and I tell him,but now my whole family "hates" me because I am the reason they broke up ccc. My fiance of almost 2 years broke up with me,because she was OK with her cheating. Well I was so sad for a little bit but just one day I told my self ,*** them, I deserve happines and I found it.


Trust in yourself and respect yourself. If you dont do it then who will ??? One thing for sure is not your wife.


Stay strong my friend and be happy.

Grettings from EU


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Father. You UK?
If yea. Read the whole thread by Whyeme. Hes UK. He truly hit bottom and bounced up quite nicely in the two years since.


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Father. You UK?
> If yea. Read the whole thread by Whyeme. Hes UK. He truly hit bottom and bounced up quite nicely in the two years since.


No he said continental europe so from france to russia.

OP,

You said you have issue to maintain 180, but next time she cries and says she will breakdown, asks if you need to call urgency, and if not leaves the room, even if your heart is squeezing itself.

This is the book you need to read : https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

It will give you the tools you need for be stronger.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Sadly every action in life has consequences, a price tag, if you will. Your years of inattention and neglect have now come home to roost. You seemingly have matured over time but the damage has been done and may well be irreparable. Your most prudent course of action is to confront your wife and be explicit. Tell you have erred greatly and that you now understand the damage your previous actions have done to the M, BUT be very clear that her way of dealing with it is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. It was wrong of you to neglect your family but her actions are exponentially worse.

If you sincerely wish to remain "together" until the 14yo is older then she must cease any and all outside "relationships". If you continue to allow her to behave in this manner while you are cognizant of her actions it will cause serious, perhaps permanent, damage to your self esteem. If she cannot agree to ending it then you must sever ties with her for your own good. I would advise against consoling her and would simply tell her that you will be her rock, her strength and offer her all the support you can but only if she discontinues all extramarital activity and reciprocates that to you. If you are able to accomplish this, which I highly doubt, then, at least, you two can "live" amicably until your youngest is old enough.

In any event, you cannot allow her to further damage your psyche by continuing to flaunt her EA/PA under your nose. This must end. I wish you good fortune.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

FatherElectricity said:


> Current situation.
> 
> After pressure from me W agreed to end A so we could move on in whichever direction, D or R. This 'end' lasted all of about 7 hours before she was back in contact with OM.
> 
> ...


Until she completely stops seeing the OM and begs you, on her knees, crying her eyes out, with snot running out of her nose, to forgive her and take her back or until hell freezes over -- whichever comes first.


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## FatherElectricity (Sep 3, 2015)

Thanks to all for the comments.

I am currently in the process of mediation for divorce. 

Everything has been extremely hard for me to take but at the end of the day seems most advice on here was spot on. Her feelings for me are totally gone and we both have to move on.

Am now just trying to get the best deal I can.

Thanks again, and if I have any further thoughts or developments I'll try to pass on any info that may be useful to others going through troubled times.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

how are your kids doing?

Did you ever talk to the other mans wife in person?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Glad you are back.

Keep improving yourself. Go for walks,join a gym,find some new friends ...
Spend a lot of time with your kids. Make sure they are OK.

Did you expose her Affair to family,friends and OMs wife ?


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## BBF (May 21, 2015)

Part of you will want to be "fair" in the financial settlement. WRONG! She will take half, and then start working on your half. Here's the operable ex-wife MO, "what's mine is mine, what's ours is mine and what's yours is half mine." 

Fight for every single penny and if you don't need it, put it in a trust for the kiddos. 

Make sure she's f*cked in more ways than one. Revenge may be a meal best served cold (old Italian saying), but it's always sweet.


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