# Need Advise! He doesnt understand the hurt he caused!



## ConfusedWTF (Jan 19, 2013)

Hello. I am looking for some advise, I am at my witts end! My husband and I have been married 21 years, together 25. Last year I discovered he was having an affair....with his best friends girlfriend! He left for a month or so staying with his sister then we decided to give it another try and he moved back home. While he was gone, I did some self analysis and tried to figure out why after all these years did the man I believed loved me so much, hurt me so badly. I found a therapist to help me through this process. I was able to see that I needed to address some of my own issues to help have a stronger marriage going forward. When I was a child, I was molested and never really dealt with it. I was not the most affectionate person in the world (which is the reason my husband says he why he had the affair). I was finally able to deal with my past and realize that I could and wanted to be a more affectionate wife. Once I broke down those walls, I found it very easy to show my husband physically my feelings for him. I was proud of myself for that and believed that maybe this whole affair happened so I could deal with my past and we would possibly have a stronger marriage going forward. Well, it hasn't been that way. 

My husband blames me for his affair, says if I had been a "better" wife it wouldn't have happened. I explained that I always loved him and I have dealt with my past hoping it would make us stronger. He admits that he sees the change but questions why it "took me so long". He has apologized for his affair but always ends it with...but if you hadn't pushed me to it....I tell him that I did NOT make him choose to do this, he made that choice on his own. SInce being back home, he still talks to the "best friend". The "best friend" forgave my husband and broke up with the *****, but still dates her occasionally. Now, understand that how I found out about the affair was looking at my husbands text message usage on our phone bill and he was texting his "best friend" all day every day. Turns out that she was using the best friends phone (as they lived together) to text my husband. 

So now, when I see his text messages on the phone bill and see him texting his "best friend" knowing the friend still sees her, it makes me worry! I tell him how it makes me feel and he tells me that I should trust him. So I try. Then I see him take his phone to the bathroom, and just being sneaky with it so when he was in the shower I looked at it. He was looking at porn! I confronted him about it and he says its a "normal guy thing". I told him that while I am trying to trust him again after what he did, it is NOT a normal guy thing! He should respect my feelings. Well that turned into 2 weeks of ignoring me telling me that I wont "police him". That if I really forgave him for the affair I would trust him. I tried to explain that I did forgive him but at the same time what he did hurts! And it will take a long time for me to trust him and his feeling for me. He seemed to undertand, but then a month later, the same thing happened! With the same outcome. 

Again when I confronted him he blamed me for looking at his phone and not trusting him. Says HE wont live like this. That if I cant respect HIS privacy he wants a divorce! When we have these fights he says some horrible things to me, such as, he can go back to her anytime he wants to, that he doesn't know his feelings for me, that I am too controlling, etc. Then when we make up, he says he only said those thing because he was mad. I try to tell him that his words hurt and cause me more insecurity about our marriage! But he doesn't understand that. Then finally, 3 weeks ago he was acting shady with his phone again and I went to look at it and discovered he put a password on it! A password, really?! I confronted him and he said that he told me that he wont have me invading his privacy anymore! I said why cant you just stop doing the things that I keep catching you doing? He says its a "normal guy thing" and he wont stop, that I need to "let the past go and move forward". I tried to explain that I am not living in the past as he keeps saying, that his actions since coming home a year ago have not given me a reason to fully trust him again. Its like he doesn't want me to trust him. Then he goes and locks his phone? How does that build trust! 

So it has been 3 weeks of him ignoring me, saying he wants a divorce because I cant move forward and he wont live like a "prisnor" anymore. Nothing I say seems to sink into his thick skull. I love him very much and wish he would understand my feelings. I have continued counceling this entire year to deal with my past, deal with my feelings about his affair and to try to become a strong person emotionally. But it feels like he just doesn't appreciate any of it. He seems angry at me all the time and says such horrible things but twists them into blaming me for everything. He has gone with me to counceling a few times and the Dr even tried to explain to him that it takes time to build trust again and he seems to understand while we are there, but once we leave, he starts his crap again. 

He says that he loves me (lol) but wont live like he is being "punished" for the rest of his life. I keep telling him that I am not punishing him. That all I ask is for him to respect my feelings that being cheated on hurts and for him to now look at porn as well as contuine to text the "best friend" all the time and the hurtful things he says when we are fighting and now the locked phone are disrespectful to me. He just keeps saying that Im wrong and insecure, etc. He wont even try to understand. I want our marriage to work because I do love him and we have built a life together and have 2 kids but we keep going through this circle and the only way I see it getting better is for him to see what he is doing and stop! I don't feel that I am doing anything wrong. How can he not see that his actions and divorce threats just further make me feel that he doesn't care about me? I just don't know what else to do.....


----------



## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Confused...sorry you are here. 

First order of business is to edit your post by inserting spaces and creating paragraphs. Most of us have a difficult time reading that wall of text. 

Others will be along with good advice


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

((face palm)) This is so backwards it's tragic. Bottom line. Currently you are more afraid of divorce than your husband and he knows that. Everything he is saying to you is utter crap and you are completely correct in the things you expect of him. Honestly he sounds like a colossal ass. 

So what to do? Well IMO the only way to fix this is to call his bluff. Tell him if he doesn't do the things you are asking and show some real remorse you will give him what he apparently wants and divorce him. He may take you up on it he may not. Personally my bet is he'll say, "fine go ahead" or something similar trying to call your bluff, and there's the rub. You can't be bluffing. You have to mean it and be committed to going fully through with it if he doesn't do everything you ask. Only when he is convinced that you will really divorce him is there any chance of getting through to him, and that will take much more than just threatening it. 

You will never reason him or nice him into seeing this your way, not in your lifetime. You have to decide if you can live like you are or not, and if not resolve to fix it to your satisfaction or break it trying. 

I'm a cheater myself (EA) I can't believe he had the balls to say you should trust him!!! UFB!!


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Confused,

Like Sigma said, your husband is an Ass and is blame-shifting. You need to be strong. You are in the right. He is in the wrong. He may try to mentally overpower you with denial and threats of leaving etc...

Do you wanted to be treated like dirt? Do you deserve it? Demand open honest communications from him. Demand that he do a NC with AP. Be prepared to do the 180 and do it. Expose his relationship. He is the one acting the ass and bringing shame not you. Be strong and be prepared to let go. He may not ever come around and you deserve better.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> ((face palm)) This is so backwards it's tragic. Bottom line. Currently you are more afraid of divorce than your husband and he knows that. Everything he is saying to you is utter crap and you are completely correct in the things you expect of him. Honestly he sounds like a colossal ass.
> 
> So what to do? Well IMO the only way to fix this is to call his bluff. Tell him if he doesn't do the things you are asking and show some real remorse you will give him what he apparently wants and divorce him. He may take you up on it he may not. Personally my bet is he'll say, "fine go ahead" or something similar trying to call your bluff, and there's the rub. You can't be bluffing. You have to mean it and be committed to going fully through with it if he doesn't do everything you ask. Only when he is convinced that you will really divorce him is there any chance of getting through to him, and that will take much more than just threatening it.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Your H has you on the defensive even though he cheated. I wouldn't believe that he's not still cheating.

You should say, "OK. We'll divorce." And you should mean it. Stand up for yourself. It's your life to live, not his to direct.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

He is probably still cheating and will continue as long as he wants. Why you ask well because he is not sorry he cheated in the first place. He feels entitled to cheat. 

You are handling this all wrong. Back up- you are never at fault for a cheaters deception. He is shifting the blame onto you and you are helping him. Secondly, if he wants to stay with you, then he has to stop he contact with the girl and the friend. You are better off having bounderies and self- respect than to have this low life drag you on your face. 

He is unrepentant and will continue to hurt you because you allow it. You need a better therapist. No was shoukd an abuse survived be begging a cheater to stop hurting her. Stand up for you. You have the power so take it. 

You are not a helpless child anymore. You are a worthwhile woman and deserve respect and love. You have to walk in that belief. First thing kick his azz out. If he does not beg to come back and truly atone proceed with divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> He is probably still cheating and will continue as long as he wants. Why you ask well because he is not sorry he cheated in the first place. He feels entitled to cheat.
> 
> You are handling this all wrong. Back up- you are never at fault for a cheaters deception. He is shifting the blame onto you and you are helping him. Secondly, if he wants to stay with you, then he has to stop he contact with the girl and the friend. You are better off having bounderies and self- respect than to have this low life drag you on your face.
> 
> ...


My wife had an affair and I had a revenge affair. As a result. But I owned my actions. She did not make me have an affair. Your husband needs to own his actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ConfusedWTF (Jan 19, 2013)

I have asked him to leave but he says its his house too and I can't make him go. That is true, unless he starts beating me, he has the legal right to stay. My therpist is very good. He has helped me find value in myself. And care about how I am being treated. Standing up for myself. I feel I am doing this. He is totally shifting all blame on me. Blame for cheating, blame for finding porn on his phone, blame for hurting at his actions. I see this, he doesn't. He tells everyone that I'm living in the past and spins it around on me. I'm scared of divorce, yes. Because I do not make much money and I know I will lose my home. My kids will suffer. And that kills me. I wish he could see what he is doing...25 years down the drain. My head knows I'm right but my heart is sooo broken.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

STOP-STOP-STOP-STOP! Hello, I am calm. I am saying this in a calm voice. Your husband had sex with the other woman because
Wait for it!
He- Wanted- To! That is the real reason, nothing that you ever did or said , had ANYTHING to do with it! PERIOD! STOP listening to his BS!
Look, file for DIVORCE, have him served, do not talk to him untill you are really ready, and then see what you want to do. Good Day David


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

You can threaten to take half his stuff. More if you live in a fault divorce state. Unfortunately you look like you have 2 hideous choices.

1. He gets away with affair and WILL do it again.
2. You threaten divorce and it sounds like will take you up on your offer. 

IT IS NEVER the fault of the BS for an affair. The correct order in life if you spouse is lousy is divorce them first. Then you are free to bang anyone you want.

Sorry you are here. Wish there was a pretty answer.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You say your head knows what to do but your heart is broken and is stopping you.

You have no happy choices, though. Anything you do will result in a broken heart. He has broken it and continues to break it & if you stay that won't change. If you leave him, it will be broken for a while, but you will start to feel empowered and you will eventually heal.

If you face up to the fact that no matter what you do there will be pain for you, then you can choose the path that makes you whole in the long run, which is leaving him. You will not starve or live without a roof over your head if you divorce. You should go to a lawyer now.


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Your husband is not remorseful at all for HIS affair. It was HIS affair, HIS choice. You did not drag him kicking & screaming to another woman. You did not force him to seek affection elsewhere. He CHOSE to look outside your marriage rather than talk to you about what he was feeling.

It is a bunch of croc that he is blaming you for his choices. I know it is hard to think of being on your own, it is hard to get your head around how you would survive, but it can be done.

You cannot stay with an unrepentant cheater, he will do it again & again, eventually, he will leave you for another woman. It is best that you be in control of the situation, get legal advice, make some plans & hit him with the divorce papers.

Don't think of it as 25 years down the drain, think of what you have learnt during that time, think of the kids you have, think of the strength you have gained and the knowledge of yourself that you have. You could live many more years, you don't want to do that shackled to an unrepentant cheater who blameshifts onto you.

In the book, 'His Needs, Her Needs', the author suggests separation if a husband is unrepentant after cheating as it destroys a woman to live with that. I cannot offer you advice on how to leave as I don't know what country or region you are in, but you can probably find information on the internet.


----------



## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Your husband is blaming you for him f*cking his best friends girlfriend. WOW! Blame-shifting at it's finest. 

Your husband hasn't faced any consequences for his betrayal. He still has you, his best friend, his privacy, and he can go back to OW anytime he chooses. 

Your are in false R. Until he becomes accountable and transparent, there is no hope for your marriage.


----------



## idkwot2do (Dec 29, 2012)

I think he is still cheating.

There is alot of red flags...especially the PW on the phone.

He sounds like my H when he was cheating and I think he doesnt beleive he is doing anything wrong.

I f he will never take responsibilty and always trys to turn it onto you it shows that he just doesnt care about you. He is selfish.

I think D is your best bet....dont waste years of your life being un happy, unloved and un appreciated. 

You deserve to be loved and respected.

Make yourself strong

Good luck


----------



## ConfusedWTF (Jan 19, 2013)

I really appreciate all the comments. Its nice to hear someone say that he is wrong. Ive been hearing that I am to blame for everything for so long.....


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

ConfusedWTF said:


> Its nice to hear someone say that he is wrong.


:rofl:

Nope, just joking a little bit.
You are right, many times the way waywards behave in the aftermath is way worse than the infidelity itself. People can screw up, even royaly, but putting the blame on your feet after backstabbing you is so shocking that sometimes we doubt our perceptions an sanity.
You are not to blame. Repeat it.


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

He checked out. The true test will be when you check out for good. He just will have to ride the karma bus on his own. You are cushioning him from it. I know how you feel. Been exactly there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He checked out of his marriage but he won't check out of the marital home?

Big piece of cake the cake eater just helped himself to!


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If you file for divorce, he will have to leave.

I think he's emotionally abusive. Abusers often say that the people they abuse bring it on themselves.


----------



## ConfusedWTF (Jan 19, 2013)

What he puts me through definitely feels like emotional abuse. The back and forth...I love you...I want a divorce... Its bull****. He knows I love him so he ****s with my head.


----------



## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

At this stage, you love him more than you love yourself. You need to dig deep and stand up for yourself. He is doing these things because he knows you, knows you will tolerate it. You don't deserve being treated this way. Start working on bettering yourself and your self esteem. You can not continue to allow him to blame you for his choices. Tell him you don't need him to love you. You will be fine whether he loves you or not. Because true love isn't conditional and you can't threaten someone by using love as a weapon. 

Keep telling yourself you were doing just fine before you met your husband, if he chooses to divorce you (that's on him) you will be fine.


----------



## ConfusedWTF (Jan 19, 2013)

Believe me, I am light years away from who I was six months ago! I've worked very hard on my self worth. I'm scared but I know 100 percent that how he is treating me is wrong!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

ConfusedWTF said:


> Believe me, I am light years away from who I was six months ago! I've worked very hard on my self worth. I'm scared but I know 100 percent that how he is treating me is wrong!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then tell him you will not tolerate his mental abuse any longer!
You are no longer falling for his mind games. 

Continue with the 180. Stop filling his emotional or physical needs immediately!


----------



## ConfusedWTF (Jan 19, 2013)

Well maybe he will leave afterall! I just made dinner for me and my kids. I didn't leave anything for him. I came downstairs alone and could hear him freaking out! I pay for the groceries around here too, he says. I said well go cook them! He then text me (from upstairs) saying he's not asking me to make him a plate, just cook enough for him too. Then he follwed with, that's it, I'm done with you I'm going to Sues (the one he cheated with). I said ok have fun! Then he said to go F myself. I haven't answered, I just went and folded laundry. He's been non stop texting since.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

ConfusedWTF said:


> Well maybe he will leave afterall! I just made dinner for me and my kids. I didn't leave anything for him. I came downstairs alone and could hear him freaking out! I pay for the groceries around here too, he says. I said well go cook them! He then text me (from upstairs) saying he's not asking me to make him a plate, just cook enough for him too. Then he follwed with, that's it, I'm done with you I'm going to Sues (the one he cheated with). I said ok have fun! Then he said to go F myself. I haven't answered, I just went and folded laundry. He's been non stop texting since.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You did not take the guilt for the inhumanity of not cooking him food, so he had to try to jab at your self esteem by telling you he was going to stay with OW. What childish behavior. He did not get his way, so he threatens to gather his marbles and leave.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

ConfusedWTF said:


> Well maybe he will leave afterall! I just made dinner for me and my kids. I didn't leave anything for him. I came downstairs alone and could hear him freaking out! I pay for the groceries around here too, he says. I said well go cook them! He then text me (from upstairs) saying he's not asking me to make him a plate, just cook enough for him too. Then he follwed with, that's it, I'm done with you I'm going to Sues (the one he cheated with). I said ok have fun! Then he said to go F myself. I haven't answered, I just went and folded laundry. He's been non stop texting since.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is really rich. You don't make him a plate, so he's headed off to break his marriage vows again. What a tool.

No offense, CWTF, but your H is acting like an entitled pos.

You need to gather your power. It's all inside. It's all in your head, the thing that knows better than your heart.

It will hurt to tell him he can have her, but, really, why should he declare himself in charge of you in all respects? He will cheat and you have to take him back. He will cheat and you have to take the blame. He will cheat and you will dance to his tune forever. Call bs on that. Please.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

It is not your fault that WH had an affair.

It is good that you are working on your issues with IC.

Now what needs to be done is you have to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

Does the OW BH/BF know that his woman was cheating on him with his best friend?


----------



## ConfusedWTF (Jan 19, 2013)

Yes the BF knows. He "forgave" him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

wow, its good you made a stand to him as hard as it is !

its so hard to get the blame and as someone said earlier it is not your fault, you did not make him do this.

its is such a hard thing to get over and my hubby has been supportive and reading a book on surviving an affair, from the womans point of view, i highlighted heaps too 

all i can say is be strong 

easier said than done. 

good luck


----------



## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Time for you to kick this piece of **** to the curb. Sorry if that sounds harsh but he had an affair and HE should be the one bending over backwards to make the marriage work - not you. If he really cared about you he would see the effort you've made, even when you didn't have to, to make things better for him upon his return. Instead he doesn't care and is manipulating and verbally abusing you. Your life is too short for this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ConfusedWTF (Jan 19, 2013)

He left 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Stay strong. You couldn't live like that forever, not being treated like that. You know that, right?


----------



## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

ConfusedWTF,

Im sure you meant to type He Left! 

Trust me, he isn't gone. I mean he's not gone for good. You are his emotional punching bag. He would much rather cake eat and rub your face in it, than have an ounce of decency and leave the marriage with mutual respect. What a POS. 

Once you stop allowing him to mentally abuse you, he will turn to good ole Sue to abuse. Since she doesn't have 25 years invested in the POS, he will most likely be told to go F himself by her. 

The writings on the wall


Good luck and stay the course. No matter what, don't answer his calls or return his texts. If you feel the need to respond to him, come here and type your response. When he returns (which he will) act like you didn't miss him or care that he is back. Try to be indifferent.


----------



## woogy (Dec 20, 2012)

Confused,

I feel so sorry for you. I'm in the same boat as you, my H shows me no remorse or compassion for the hurt he has caused. Everything is my fault. Of course he tells me he's sorry but then says if you would have done this or that, or you pushed my buttons. We just got into it again last night and I explained to him that I was second best, he didn't choose me, he chose her and when she dumped him he came back. After arguing, he tells me guess what, now your no choice, I'm done. He wants me to trust and sweep everything under the rug and be just fine. When I'm not, he's done. Well that's fine, I will call my attorney tomorrow and see what I need to do to get the process started. I'm not living like this anymore.

I do love my husband with all my heart but I deserve to be treated better. When I asked him why he doesn't love me and he tells me it's going to take time. Really, it only took you a couple months to tell the OW you were madly in love with her but with me it's going to take time. How long am I suppose to wait to see if he decides he loves me again?

It will be hard, but you need to be strong and go NC with him. This is what I will be doing too. Yes my H still lives in the house so it's going to be hard but I'm going to do it for my sanity.


----------



## ConfusedWTF (Jan 19, 2013)

I hear what you are all saying and I know your right. I just miss my old husband. The person he was before all this. I hoped that guy would come back so badly, but he didn't....


----------



## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

ConfusedWTF said:


> I hear what you are all saying and I know your right. I just miss my old husband. The person he was before all this. I hoped that guy would come back so badly, but he didn't....


The man you fell in love with doesn't exist anymore, he only exists in your mind. You are now married to a narcissistic, abusive, unrepentant A-hole. This equates to people owning a sweet natured puppy who grows up to bite people. It's no consolation (to the person whose been bitten) being told the dog that bit them was once the sweetest puppy. Purely useless! The dog will never be a puppy again and it doesn't make the bite less painful.

I hear you. The man you thought you married would never cheat on his wife. It sucks to invest 25 years in someone and have them betray you with such malice. 


Set a plan in motion and take the steps needed to execute that plan. 


Good luck


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

ConfusedWTF said:


> He left
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I mean this honestly...

CONGRATULATIONS

You need to be loose from this asshat. Maybe once he knows and accepts that he can no longer treat you this way the H you had years ago will return. But regardless you need to be rid of the H you currently have. 

Stay strong.


----------



## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

ConfusedWTF said:


> Well maybe he will leave afterall! I just made dinner for me and my kids. I didn't leave anything for him. I came downstairs alone and could hear him freaking out! I pay for the groceries around here too, he says. I said well go cook them! He then text me (from upstairs) saying he's not asking me to make him a plate, just cook enough for him too. Then he follwed with, that's it, I'm done with you I'm going to Sues (the one he cheated with). I said ok have fun! Then he said to go F myself. I haven't answered, I just went and folded laundry. He's been non stop texting since.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats exactly what you have to do.....play his game. Dont let him see you hurting or that the BS that spills out of his dirty lips matters to you.

The stronger you are the weaker he will become!! ITS A FACT JACK! (sorry I watch too much Duck Dynasty!)


----------



## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Your Husband and my ExWife could join together to form "The Married Forces Of Evil!" TMFOE! I think it has a nice ring to it. 
Trust me, it will SUCKx10 if you stay with him!
It will SUCK LESS, if you DIVORCE him.x2
I know this because, I could not believe that my wife would end the marriage in 18 months. I dragged it out for anther 40 months thinking that there MUST be something I am doing wrong. TAM is so great, I forgive myself for holding on. It's just who I am. She was not a good wife, it took me a very long time to figure that out.
You still have a long life to ENJOY with other people and new ideas. You do not need to hang out with people that don't like you and don't respect you. Good luck and keep us informed on what is going on in your life. David


----------



## ConfusedWTF (Jan 19, 2013)

Well its officail...he's living with her!!!! He texted it to me today! I just wanna die
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'm sorry but at least you now know what you have. It's time to lawyer up and go ahead and file. You may still find that when you have him served he will come out of it but if he's shacked up with the OW that is less likely. 

Regardless make yourself get moving, make yourself put one foot in front of the other, get an attorney and get loose from this jerk. You know the old saying, "Do you know what to do when you're in hell? KEEP MOVING!"


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm sorry. Very sorry for your pain.

You know he probably never stopped the affair, right?

And he was belligerent with you so that he could blame you for your split up, right?

He's a coward. I'm sorry.


----------



## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Everything Alte Dame said is correct.

He never stopped the affair. He was cake-eating and blaming you. What a cruel joke! Here you thought you were in R. but he was simply playing games and f*cking with your head. What a piece of excrement! 


File for divorce and don't let him move back into the marital home. 

Stay strong


----------



## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Find out from your husband's BFF where OW lives. Then put his clothes in garbage bags and drop them off on her doorstep!


----------



## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

Believe me it's a blessing in disguise that he left you. Sorry but it's true.

My hubby is still in contact with the OW. I know as he behaves differently when he meets/talks to her. I am in this house because of the kids. And I am also waiting for him to grow up to be a MAN and admit.

Take care of yourself.


----------



## ConfusedWTF (Jan 19, 2013)

I know you all are right but I am so extremely sad. I still love him so much. The past yr has been hell but I tried so hard and he kept telling me I ws being paranoid, he couldnt imagine life without me. He has been a complete jerk this past yr but I had 24 yrs of a very different man. It kills me that this ***** will have that good man. He is holding her, making love to her, doing all the things with her that I loved so much. I was just erased from his mind and she was drawn in. It hurts so bad.


----------



## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i'm sorry to say, but your husband never truly came back to you. his head was always with the OW. clearly, this was an "exit" affair for him.

i'm really confused by his so-called friend's attitude toward the whole thing. sounds like he's a bit of a push-over and was enabling this affair to continue.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

ConfusedWTF said:


> I know you all are right but I am so extremely sad. I still love him so much. The past yr has been hell but I tried so hard and he kept telling me I ws being paranoid, he couldnt imagine life without me. He has been a complete jerk this past yr but I had 24 yrs of a very different man. It kills me that this ***** will have that good man. He is holding her, making love to her, doing all the things with her that I loved so much. I was just erased from his mind and she was drawn in. It hurts so bad.


I am truly sorry for your pain, having been there myself (28 year marriage here). This too shall pass. Eventually you will get angry. Very angry. Then emotionally detached from him and much stronger than he. You will have the upper hand and your future without him will be free of the burden of feeling guilty for what HE did.

For now, work on the anger, and I don't mean actually DOING anything destructive to your home or to him of his OW. Just think in a calculating manner as to how this event can be turned into a profitable future for you because you deserve it. This isn't your fault, and you should not be required to lose anything due to his infidelity. The OW inherited a cheater, you are now free to create a new future for yourself.

See an attorney and learn what your rights are. Since your WS is actually living with the AP now, you have your evidence of infidelity. If your children are minors, you will probably be able to retain the marital home and be awarded child support and alimony. 

You are worthy of having a wonderful future as an independent woman who was faithful to her H for those 25 years. He tossed it away for someone else who now gets a confirmed cheater (which includes the lying and the cruelty). You can look forward to not having to deal with him anymore.

Things will work out.


----------



## ConfusedWTF (Jan 19, 2013)

I know you are all right but this pain is so overwhelming. I want him to tell me this has all been a bad dream. I just want my old husband back!


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It is like your faithful spouse is replaced by an evil pod person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

LainieB has great advice, follow it, protect yourself first. Then worry about everything else, go open your own accounts, get your own CC, get a lawyer and protect yourself.
Get the finances in order and don't worry what your wayward husband is doing or how he is surviving.
Right now he is not your husband and until the affair is over he won't be, let it happen, the best way to end the affair is for the fantasy to burst, let the OW fill all his needs she won't be able and he will start to see what he has given up, expose the affair to everyone close to him.
shine a huge light on the love nest.
then don't talk to him let him feel what it is like to have you completely gone, remember anything can be put back together.
I love the idea of packing his belongs and dropping them off on the front step.
It will show him who he is dealing with and that you will make sure he is accountable and responsible.
I know you are hurting but this is the biggest fight of your life, you need to be standing up and paying attention, you need to stay one step ahead of him, right now he has his head so far up his ass he won't be able to be any kind of decent human.
sit back and wait, he will come back crawling and asking for forgiveness....
If not you are better off, work on being the best you and don't stoop to his level, conduct yourself with grace and integrity......
show him the wench he is with can't hold a candle to you.
stay strong
jesi


----------



## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Your old husband is a memory now but......you have a new and improving you. 

My first husband left and moved in with his ow after 7 years of marriage. I was a wreck. I was 27 years old living in a rambling house in the middle of the boonies, scared out of my mind. I didn't even know how to mow our lawn much less protect myself. Each day I got stronger. Each night I fell apart, crying, afraid and feeling totally unloveable and lost. I never imagined getting thru that heartbreak.


I did and you will too. The healing sneaks up and works. It won't be pretty but it's not supposed to be. We earn those scars. 

Your in my heart.


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Please consider seeing a psychiatrist and taking medication. At least consider sleeping pills. You will need your wits about you.

He loves the OW, or at least he thinks he does. You're not going to pull him out of it at this point. It has to run its course. Now they are "us against the world" and think they're Romeo and Juliet.

It really hurts to have the person you love be in love with someone else. It's the greatest pain in this world next to having them die. Perhaps worse in some ways. 

You have to FOCUS not on what's lost but what must be gained. Please get angry and get smart. Go see a lawyer. Your self-healing will start with taking some power back. Make sure to take him to the cleaners - you'll feel better. Do not sympathize at all for him. He's royally screwed you over. Mentally, physically and spiritually. He's a real scoundrel. 

What is up with OW's husband? Is he in a BH fog or what?


----------



## ConfusedWTF (Jan 19, 2013)

Ok so its been 2 weeks. Some days are better than others, which I know is normal. I have continued my therapy and feel that even though I hurt, I deserve respect. I have held onto a tiny string of hope that the husband I once had who for 24 years would never hurt me, was somewhere inside this other guy, may come out and realize how bad he ****ed up. But again, that has been just a sliver of hope because I know how difficult it is for someone to be able to look at themselves and make a change. 

That being said, he contacted me, asking if there was any way we could fix this? I told him, with a clear head, that there would be hope under the following conditions: He look at himself and see the hurt he caused, stop blaming me for any and all decisions and poor choices he has made, realize the hurt he caused me and the kids and he needs to man up and figure out a way to prove to us that he is sorry and will never behave that way again. Get some therapy for himself to find out why he feels the need to run away instead of working things out. Decide what real committment is and if he wants to live in a real committed relationship. Full disclosure of everything he has done this past two weeks, without secrets and lies. And take full accountability. Go to marriage counceling to figure these things out together. And of course sever all ties with OW and friend. Change phone number, etc. 

Basically, here are my terms, if you can work on these things then yes it is possible but weather I can get over the hurt is really dependant on how these things go. 

The past year, he was so busy pointing the finger at me for everything and I was allowing it. So I feel we did not handle things the way they should have been handled and that is why we got to where we were. When I say we, I mean HE didnt do what he needed to do and I allowed it. 

So thats what I put on the table and he was very quiet, didnt say too much, cried a little, then said we'd talk again today.

So my question to you all is, am I crazy to think this could be fixable if he agrees to my terms? Is it possible for a woman to even forgive her husband knowing he's been living with the OW for 2 weeks and having sex with her? Opinions please.


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Yes, it can be forgivable, but it takes hard work. Not to say it is not worth it, you can build a new relationship with your husband.

He has to accept the blame for his actions, 100% his choice to stray. As you said, he has to understand why he strayed & most definately, go full NC on the OW and her contacts.

If you go down the R road, you can expect to have many emotions, you can expect to wonder at times if it is worth it. My H left us for 12 months for the OW. He did not live with her as she was overseas, but he did go over a couple of times to see her.

I did not know enough when we R'd to understand that it would not all be roses & fluffy clouds from then on, there were many moments of difficulty, many tears were shed. The main thing to remember, is if your H is doing the hard work, if he is truly repentant, you cannot bring his infidelity up everytime he says something. No matter how bad someone has been, if you constantly rub their face in it, they will decide it is not worth the trouble.

For instance, I would not advise the following:
You: 'Husband, mop the floor now.'
Hus: 'Soon, sweetie, I am just finishing dinner.'
You: 'Mop the floor NOW, you lying, cheating scum.'

Ridiculous I know, but if you feel yourself wanting to rub his face in it, to glory in making him feel small & stupid, then I cannot see R working. (not to say you will, but I have seen this done.)

By the same token, if he continues to blame you for his affair and cannot face his own responsibility, then R will not work.


----------



## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> So thats what I put on the table and he was very quiet, didnt say too much, cried a little, then said we'd talk again today.


sorry, but this is not a good sign. there should be no hesitation from him if he really wanted to reconcile. sounds like he thinks it may be too hard. that alone would get a resounding "F*CK OFF!" from me. 

if he really wanted it, he should've been jumping for joy at having a second chance. 


don't settle. you deserve better.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Proceed with the divorce. Protect yourself and your children first and foremost. At this point you can't trust him, not one word. He has proven that to you. If he is for real, he can do the work to prove himself after the divorce is final. He is the one who needs to do the work now, to change himself. You don't need to get dragged in. He made that choice himself.


----------



## ConfusedWTF (Jan 19, 2013)

I know he has to do the work here, agreed 100%. But IF he is willing to do it and see that he is to blame, not me, then I would hope we could build a stronger relationship.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

IMO you did great. Him less so but I'll take a differing stance and say his not immediately saying "yes yes yes" is not necessarily bad. Your terms are great but they will be very difficult for him as they should be. A moment of reflection on his part before agreeing to check his commitment may be a good thing. Of course it may just be a cake eater tactic. What happens next I think will tell you a lot. Regardless stick to you terms and don't tolerate any noncompliance. None. He has to be and stay all in.


----------



## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Have you read LetDownNTX's thread...most recent posting is on page 2 in CWI titled "Well Happy Freakin New Year!!!" I think her story may give you some insight.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

cledus_snow said:


> sorry, but this is not a good sign. there should be no hesitation from him if he really wanted to reconcile. sounds like he thinks it may be too hard. that alone would get a resounding "F*CK OFF!" from me.
> 
> if he really wanted it, he should've been jumping for joy at having a second chance.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Yes, this is certainly a "red flag" in that he has to think about it. Is his big "decision" based on his feelings of remorse, his love for the OP and their lives together, or is he merely considering the social, financial repercussions which a D will bring to him? Is he merely "settling" back into his "old habits" (life with his W and family) or does he truly and sincerely want to restore the family? 

I would have thought he would jump at the chance to have his old life back, but it appears he actually has to think about it.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You've already spent a lot of time acceding to his wishes on pretty much everything. You now are starting to see that you have to stand firm for yourself and your children. Don't backslide now.

If your H can actually commit to your conditions, then you can begin an R that is much different from the one you were suffering in. Remember, though, that a tiger doesn't change his stripes - you know the man he was for so many years & you know the man he turned into. What he actually is is a man who is capable of being either person & this knowledge is very important. You can never forget that he was capable of hurting you the way he has. Knowing this should give you strength and resolve to insist on your conditions.

I'm sorry to say that full disclosure on the last two weeks may make your agreement to let him come back home null and void, so try to be prepared for that. Of course, you have to know the truth, but it's probably just more bad, hurtful stuff. I suspect his hesitation to agree to your conditions right away may have something to do with not wanting to tell you just about the past two weeks, so do not let this condition go. Definitely insist on it.

Stay very firm. You're getting some results here. Don't go soft on him now.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I have to agree that an R does not look good, and it kills me to say that. I fear his near silence was the result of mental scheming on his part to figure out how to keep you in the dark about his cheating. I lived more than a year wanting to believe the lies my STBXH was telling because in my mind-how could he not want to keep his family together? In the end, he readily dumped a 27 year marriage and two beautiful kids. Your H did not jump at the idea of R. The most generous thing I can say about him is that maybe he doesn't think he's strong enough to really R. You have to continue with the lawyers and the 180, don't miss a beat. If he really means it, you will know. Remember, actions speak louder than words.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Posted late info here so deleted post. Inappropriate response.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I am sorry, my responses here were written before I got to the end of the thread. I really, really, should have known better. Sometimes I just cannot help myself. Duh! 

It sounds like your husband has been a good man (?) until the affair turned him into something else. And I guess then it is no surprise he is now coming back to you, wanting you back. Wanting to fix.

Stick to your guns and do not go soft. Even if he cries. What he did was unforgiveable, and so hard consequences are a must if you are considering taking him back.


----------



## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

About missing him – 

Before you decide to try for a second R, think about whether or not you are 


missing the person your husband actually is, or are you 
missing the person you thought he was, or perhaps
missing the person you wanted him to be
. 


This article is related to the above – 
You Don’t Miss Him. You Miss The Idea Of Who You Wanted Him To Be. | The Current Conscience

Was everything always really so great before his affair, or is it just that compared to now, he was great? Consider whether you might be been looking at him through rose tinted spectacles. 

Also think about whether or not you are missing being disrespected, manipulated and/or being cheated on?

Importantly, is he really capable of being the type of husband you really need him to be for the long term. 

Don't be too quick to take him back, albeit there is some risk he could change his mind about wanting to come back. Take your time to think things through - if he's genuine he'll wait for you to be reflect throughly and be sure.


So sorry you are going through all this


----------



## ConfusedWTF (Jan 19, 2013)

**Update.. so he agreed to therapy, he came home a week this past sunday. Our first therapy appt was tonight, so I dedcided not to lay it on too thick until the session so we would have someone there to calm the emotions down if needed. We did talk about everything and he didnt blame me this time, was reassuring, etc. We even had sex a couple times. Went to dinner, etc. The kids still werent talking to him as they were still upset that he left to begin with. I scheduled family therapy for all of us. My therapist reassured me that their feelings were normal and not push them at this point. Kids are 16 & 17. Well, yesterday I recieved a TEXT from him saying that he was no longer sexually attracted to me and was not "in love" with me anymore! That he missed the *****. So he came home packed up and left to go live with her again! WTF! I tried so hard and this is what I get???? Im so sad and scared about my future...help!


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Sorry to hear that. Sounds like it is time to start to detach, you can't keep allowing yourself to be treated this way. 
I wish I could give you a big hug.


----------



## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

(((( Hugs )))) 

When he moved back home, did he agree to NC with OW? 

My advice is to go dark. Stop all communication with him. He can not keep stringing you along. How many times will it take for you to realize he doesn't care about your feelings. As long as you open your heart to him, he will continue to hurt you.

He will never really close the door to your relationship, that's up to you. He wants to keep his options open since you both fill emotional needs for him. 

Work on you. Let Sue worry about him!

I'm 99% sure he will be back! He will keep cake eating until you or OW put a stop to it! In this case the last person standing isn't really a winner. How's that for a consolation prize? You go home with a cheater!


----------



## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

ConfusedWTF said:


> **Update.. so he agreed to therapy, he came home a week this past sunday. Our first therapy appt was tonight, so I dedcided not to lay it on too thick until the session so we would have someone there to calm the emotions down if needed. We did talk about everything and he didnt blame me this time, was reassuring, etc. We even had sex a couple times. Went to dinner, etc. The kids still werent talking to him as they were still upset that he left to begin with. I scheduled family therapy for all of us. My therapist reassured me that their feelings were normal and not push them at this point. Kids are 16 & 17. Well, yesterday I recieved a TEXT from him saying that he was no longer sexually attracted to me and was not "in love" with me anymore! That he missed the *****. So he came home packed up and left to go live with her again! WTF! I tried so hard and this is what I get???? Im so sad and scared about my future...help!


OMG, Im so sorry this has happened to you. I can sympathize with you so much because there are many similarities in what we have been through.

As hard as it might be right now you have to pick yourself up and move on. Let him go live his happy little life full of rainbows and sunshine. It wont last for long. And eventually they wont trust each other because of the way their relationship started.

Right now you need to ignore him, as hard as it might be. Do not contact him at all...if he messages you, chew your damn fingers off before you message him back. Give your kids your phone, let them hide it....anything to let him think you dont GAF!! You deserve better then this and until you are away from him you will not have that. Your day is coming...good things will happen, if you believe in yourself!

Fell free to PM me if you want. Ive felt your pain...a few times!


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

ConfusedWTF said:


> **Update.. so he agreed to therapy, he came home a week this past sunday. Our first therapy appt was tonight, so I dedcided not to lay it on too thick until the session so we would have someone there to calm the emotions down if needed. We did talk about everything and he didnt blame me this time, was reassuring, etc. We even had sex a couple times. Went to dinner, etc. The kids still werent talking to him as they were still upset that he left to begin with. I scheduled family therapy for all of us. My therapist reassured me that their feelings were normal and not push them at this point. Kids are 16 & 17. Well, yesterday I recieved a TEXT from him saying that he was no longer sexually attracted to me and was not "in love" with me anymore! That he missed the *****. So he came home packed up and left to go live with her again! WTF! I tried so hard and this is what I get???? Im so sad and scared about my future...help!


I have never met either or you and I am so furious that he did this I just want to go track him down and smack the *%#$% out of him. 
One more betrayal from a cheater. The hurt will ease and you and the children wll be ok. Now you know, you Know exactly what he is all about. Strictly stick to the 180 for your survivial. Do not answer his calls, his texts, nothing. The man you miss was not there and will not come back. I am so sorry, and so angry.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Anyone else wanna kick his ***?

If he actually knows how to fight he'll kill me (15-20% of the population). If not... ground and pound... simple wrestling take down and pummel.

Sorry this happened to you Confused. D his sorry backside, take him to the cleaners then find a loyal man.


----------



## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

What an severe super douche! I am extremely sorry you are dealing with a pos like this. Now that you know where he stands, don't ever take him back. You attempted to forgive and move forward, he blew that chance. I would divorce him and yes follow the 180. He betrayed you and his best friend...doesn't get more pathetic than that. Stay strong and know things will get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

He's a POS. I'm holding a raffle and the prize is getting to be the driver of the karma bus.


----------



## Goodwoman (Dec 11, 2009)

ConfusedWTF said:


> I really appreciate all the comments. Its nice to hear someone say that he is wrong. Ive been hearing that I am to blame for everything for so long.....


Honey, don't listen to him AT ALL!!!! Mine played this game over and over again--always shifting the blame or denying it and trying to act like I'm paranoid because I'm allegedly doing something (which I was not). What do I find out last weekend? I"ve been right the entire time, and his extra curricular activities go back even further than I thought....oh, and it was due to me giving him self esteem issues because he can't satisfy me. Do not believe your H for a second!! File the papers--I will be on mine this week.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> He's a POS. I'm holding a raffle and the prize is getting to be the driver of the karma bus.


After Salt drives the bus over him I get my turn. I Lets arrange it for next Monday night when I have off. 

Problem for her hubby is Ill have 4 hours. Gonna drive it forwards... then back over... forwards... then back over... forwards... then back over... forwards... then back over... (4 hours worth) gonna be a stain by the time Im done.


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> After Salt drives the bus over him I get my turn. I Lets arrange it for next Monday night when I have off.
> 
> Problem for her hubby is Ill have 4 hours. Gonna drive it forwards... then back over... forwards... then back over... forwards... then back over... forwards... then back over... (4 hours worth) gonna be a stain by the time Im done.


Yeah, my vision, just like for my pos, is to back up and snag his intestine in the tire.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Part of the karma seems to be that the person you thought you loved so much turns into such a lowlife that you can't possibly respect him anymore & all this helps to kill the love.

You may not feel it right now, but he's definitely killing your love.

Get righteously angry, go into self-preservation mode, and file on his nasty, nasty a*s. Let him stew. This saga isn't over, I'm sure, but your part now is to detach for your own good. 180.


----------



## ConfusedWTF (Jan 19, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Part of the karma seems to be that the person you thought you loved so much turns into such a lowlife that you can't possibly respect him anymore & all this helps to kill the love.
> 
> You may not feel it right now, but he's definitely killing your love.
> 
> Get righteously angry, go into self-preservation mode, and file on his nasty, nasty a*s. Let him stew. This saga isn't over, I'm sure, but your part now is to detach for your own good. 180.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ConfusedWTF (Jan 19, 2013)

I try to stay angry, I really do. But its so hard to do because I still love him. I've spent 25 yrs with him. Its valentines day and all I can think about is him with her and me alone. Tell me more about the 180 and when will I start to feel human again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

It takes years to get over the hurt and betrayal. 
You will begin to feel better about yourself when you learn to detach from him. The 180 is a process to help you. 
Just remember you were fine before you met him and you will get by without him. You can never move on if you continue to hold out hope only to have him throw it in your face. It's time to put up some walls between you and him so he can't emotionally hurt you anymore. Cease all contact, your heart can't endure anymore pain. I think you need to read up on enabling and being codependent. 

My heart goes out to you.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The Healing Heart: The 180


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

ConfusedWTF said:


> I try to stay angry, I really do. But its so hard to do because I still love him. I've spent 25 yrs with him. Its valentines day and all I can think about is him with her and me alone. Tell me more about the 180 and when will I start to feel human again!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Confused, I've been married 27 years, and have been with my STBXH for a total of 36 years, separated for 7 months. This was my first Valentine's Day without him. The months apart, and the detachment from him have helped me realize that I am not missing him, I am missing the lie I thought we had. He rarely remembered holidays, was never romantic, and always put himeself first. This year I wasn't expecting anything from him and that's what I got. No problem. But he also totally blew off his children, and that is not ok. 
I wanted a partner, someone who care about me, our family, our community. That is not who my WH is, and I am coming to grips with this. But it has been months. 
You deserve to be with someone who loves you. That means being with someone who wants you to be the best person you can be. Is that who your H is? Someone who will nurture the fabulous person you are, someone who is honest. Is that who your H is? That is something we all deserve. You deserve to love yourself enough to say you will not settle for the crumbs and the pain and the lies that your H is giving you. That is not love.


----------



## ConfusedWTF (Jan 19, 2013)

Well its been 2 months since he left. Ive continued therapy, it does help. My kids (16 & 17) refuse to speak to or see him. He is "happily" still living with the *****. He has taken her to family functions and introduced her to everyone. So it seems, he is happy with his choice. I do hope one day he regrets it, just so I can watch him hurt too. I have not done well with the 180, but I am trying. I have realized that what I thought we had, was just a fantasy. That he never cared as much as I did. I know I deserve better and I am surviving! I have even been on a few dates..lol... his loss!


----------



## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

:smthumbup:

The best revenge is living a good life. You may actually find yourself being happier without him!


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

ConfusedWTF said:


> I know I deserve better and I am surviving! I have even been on a few dates..lol... his loss!


Hope they were all the male date equivalent of "younger and hotter"


----------



## Lister (Jan 29, 2013)

ConfusedWTF said:


> Well its been 2 months since he left. Ive continued therapy, it does help. My kids (16 & 17) refuse to speak to or see him. He is "happily" still living with the *****. He has taken her to family functions and introduced her to everyone. So it seems, he is happy with his choice. I do hope one day he regrets it, just so I can watch him hurt too. I have not done well with the 180, but I am trying. I have realized that what I thought we had, was just a fantasy. That he never cared as much as I did. I know I deserve better and I am surviving! I have even been on a few dates..lol... his loss!


Hi Confused, so sorry for what you have been through, can only echo what has been said about your H, he is an arse and you are better off without him. And I speak as an FWS. 

For what it's worth i doubt very much if his new relationship will last. He clearly realised what he had lost the first time around when he wanted to R and i suspect he will again. The new relationship is built on lies, deceit and cruelty and once the fog has lifted that realization will dawn on them both , I suspect.

Your H has issues and couldn't face the difficult task of R and so chose the easy option, to run away. Maybe he likes to see himself as Mr Nice guy and couldn't face dealing with the reality, that he is a cruel man capable of inflicting pain and suffering on the ones he loves. Until he deals with these issues he will struggle to maintain any relationship and will be continually haunted by guilt at what he has done.

Good luck for the future.


----------



## ConfusedWTF (Jan 19, 2013)

UPDATE NEED ADVICE!
Its been 4 months since hes been gone, living with that *****. My kids still refuse to talk to him. For me I tried the 180 many times, unsuccessful. I have begged him to see what he is doing. I have told him all the great things we have done together in the past 25 years asking him to remember that. Sometimes he seems like he is getting it, other times he just says things like, he wants a new life and not have to deal with me and my moods anymore. Last week, he removed me from his health insurance without warning. When I confronted him about it he said it was his Unions decision to removed me, not his. He said he asked for a change of address because he needed a new card and they asked why and he said because hes separated. I called the lawyer I had been saving the retainer for. And he agreed that it was wrong to remove me from the insurance and we would start preceedings. I have saved the retainer and have an appointment tomorrow with him. Also last week after I called him about the insurance issue, he told me that he had considered reconciling but he wanted to be that I changed...yes me... I asked him what was holding him back from wanting to try to fix things and he said he didnt want to hurt HER. Her! Those words cut so deep. I havent spoken to him since. Now my appt with the lawyer is tomorrow and I have been a mess all day! I dont want a divorce but I know I have to. Dont get me wrong, I have made several positive things during this time. Ive continued counceling I am taking a class at night and I have become much stronger in so many ways. I just dont know what to do...if he is "thinking" and I file, I know there is no hope ever. But I cant continue to be put second. I know the answer but I dont want it....


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Actually you have it wrong. You need to stand up for yourself, or there's no chance. If you fail to show yourself respect by filing, he will not respect you either. Follow through, and listen to your lawyer. Frankly, I don't know why you would give him another chance at this point.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

You have been together a long time, but regardless, he has treated you terribly. 

You are not a dog, you are a person! With feelings! Now, stop behaving like the dog (bottom of the pecking order) and start behaving like the person you are. 

The more you try to get him to see, the less he will see. 

The more you leave him alone, the more he will think about you and what he is missing. The more contact you have with him, the less chance you are giving him to miss you and to think about his actions. Leave an empty space in his head to think about all you were and all he had. Stop fillling that space with pleading and begging (or whatever contact it is you are having).


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You need to straighten up and start flying right. You should have been following the 180 as much as possible to give yourself the strength to handle things like this.

He treats you like cr*p and he treats her well. The man's ego is huge - he has two women fighting over him and you let that happen. You devalue yourself.

You know all of this. We're all trying to 2X4 you into a better life for yourself. You need to show him that you respect yourself. This is essential. He could come back to you if you do this. He could also stay away. In either case, you'll be a stronger person with much better self-esteem.


----------



## ConfusedWTF (Jan 19, 2013)

I do appreciate all the advise, even being hit by a 2 x 4. So, a couple weeks ago, I got a letter from his union saying I was dropped from his health insurance due to separation. Well in NJ there is no such thing as a legal separation! And we have nothing filed in court. When I confronted him about this health insurance he said the union did that on their own, he called them to get new cards and change his address and they asked why and he said he was separated. He said he called to get me reinstated but they wouldnt do it. Soooo I decided I had to get a lawyer before I got screwed over again! I have been saving for the retainer for a couple months now and hired a lawyer. He sent him a strongly worded letter advising him to get me reinstated on the insurance or pay my Cobra cost ($600 / month). And he has 7 days to do so or we will be petitioning the court. He is also getting all the divorce papers together for me to sign. When my WH recieved the letter on Friday, he started with the texts, saying he didnt want a divorce this fast and he was holding out because he wanted me and my our kids to stay in our home a while longer, but since I saw a lawyer, I better be prepared to sell the house. I told him that we could come to an agreement about us staying in the house and he didnt want to hear it. He also said that I just need to know that I am the one filing the divorce, therefore I am the one who doesnt want him! Like WTF?? Yes, I admit it made me rethink my actions and hold onto that hope agaun that he was coming to his senses. But that only lasted a day, then I snapped back to reality. I guess thats progress!


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

How charming. When will the karma bus find his address?


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Yes, he moves out to live with another woman after years of marriage and because you filed for D, it's a sure sign that you're the one who doesn't want him.

Cheaters can dish it out, but they sure can't take it. You're supposed to be waiting at home with bated breath for him to grace you with his presence, maybe, at some possible time in the future, if he happens to feel like it.

Karma bus coming for sure. Glad you snapped back to reality.

How are you doing emotionally?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yep! Yep! Yeppers! Why, it's all your fault!

And your husband is perfection in human form. Or something.


----------



## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

ConfusedWTF said:


> I do appreciate all the advise, even being hit by a 2 x 4. So, a couple weeks ago, I got a letter from his union saying I was dropped from his health insurance due to separation. Well in NJ there is no such thing as a legal separation! And we have nothing filed in court. When I confronted him about this health insurance he said the union did that on their own, he called them to get new cards and change his address and they asked why and he said he was separated. He said he called to get me reinstated but they wouldnt do it. Soooo I decided I had to get a lawyer before I got screwed over again! I have been saving for the retainer for a couple months now and hired a lawyer. He sent him a strongly worded letter advising him to get me reinstated on the insurance or pay my Cobra cost ($600 / month). And he has 7 days to do so or we will be petitioning the court. He is also getting all the divorce papers together for me to sign. When my WH recieved the letter on Friday, he started with the texts, saying he didnt want a divorce this fast and he was holding out because he wanted me and my our kids to stay in our home a while longer, but since I saw a lawyer, I better be prepared to sell the house. I told him that we could come to an agreement about us staying in the house and he didnt want to hear it. He also said that I just need to know that I am the one filing the divorce, therefore I am the one who doesnt want him! Like WTF?? Yes, I admit it made me rethink my actions and hold onto that hope agaun that he was coming to his senses. But that only lasted a day, then I snapped back to reality. I guess thats progress!


It's about time you started putting yourself first. He doesn't give a flying F about what's best for you. Never listen to what's coming out of a cheaters mouth, it's all lies. It's their actions that speak volumes.. Funny how he never came to you and said you didn't have insurance but waited for you to get a letter in the mail. Again, what are his actions saying. To me his actions say he is a POS. 

Do not underestimate how nasty he will get when you start pushing back.


----------



## ConfusedWTF (Jan 19, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Yes, he moves out to live with another woman after years of marriage and because you filed for D, it's a sure sign that you're the one who doesn't want him.
> 
> Cheaters can dish it out, but they sure can't take it. You're supposed to be waiting at home with bated breath for him to grace you with his presence, maybe, at some possible time in the future, if he happens to feel like it.
> 
> ...


Emotionally, I have good days and bad. I have been dating a guy and taking it slow but it does help to have the companionship. Not trying to replace one guy for another at all. I miss my WH alot, we spendt 25 yrs together but I dont know who he is anymore. My kids and I are doing the best we can and we dont talk about him much. I still go to therapy wen I need to, maybe once a moth or so. Some days are very rough and I pray he will "see the light" and beg for forgiveness, but he never will and I am beginning to accept it.


----------



## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

ConfusedWTF said:


> Emotionally, I have good days and bad. I have been dating a guy and taking it slow but it does help to have the companionship. Not trying to replace one guy for another at all. I miss my WH alot, we spendt 25 yrs together but I dont know who he is anymore. My kids and I are doing the best we can and we dont talk about him much. I still go to therapy wen I need to, maybe once a moth or so. Some days are very rough and I pray he will "see the light" and beg for forgiveness, but he never will and I am beginning to accept it.


Detach and follow the 180. You still have a lot of work to do. 

Quit worrying about him and focus on you more. 90% of your posts are still about him and what he's doing or not doing. You will NEVER change him, you can only change yourself and how you respond to him.


ETA: I think he's waiting til the kids turn 18 and then he's going to screw you over big time.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Just cut him out of your life, he is cancer now. Let your lawyer do the talking, and if you must speak, speak only of the kids or the divorce, and keep it to the point. Don't take his bait. You'll be better off with him in your rear view mirror, even if a miracle happens and he seems to see the light. At this point, I'd have to believe he would just be trying to manipulate you more.


----------



## ConfusedWTF (Jan 19, 2013)

I think I'm doing a great job considering I've spent 25 years with the man. My life has been turned upside down and I am functioning, going out and having a good time. Do I have bad days, yes, do I miss what I use to have before this, yes, do I wish I had the future with the person I devoted my life to, yes. But I am moving forward as best as I can and taking care of me and my kids. Its gonna take time.


----------



## ilovecrossfit (Jun 22, 2013)

ConfusedWTF said:


> I do appreciate all the advise, even being hit by a 2 x 4. So, a couple weeks ago, I got a letter from his union saying I was dropped from his health insurance due to separation. Well in NJ there is no such thing as a legal separation! And we have nothing filed in court. When I confronted him about this health insurance he said the union did that on their own, he called them to get new cards and change his address and they asked why and he said he was separated. He said he called to get me reinstated but they wouldnt do it. Soooo I decided I had to get a lawyer before I got screwed over again! I have been saving for the retainer for a couple months now and hired a lawyer. He sent him a strongly worded letter advising him to get me reinstated on the insurance or pay my Cobra cost ($600 / month). And he has 7 days to do so or we will be petitioning the court. He is also getting all the divorce papers together for me to sign. When my WH recieved the letter on Friday, he started with the texts, saying he didnt want a divorce this fast and he was holding out because he wanted me and my our kids to stay in our home a while longer, but since I saw a lawyer, I better be prepared to sell the house. I told him that we could come to an agreement about us staying in the house and he didnt want to hear it. He also said that I just need to know that I am the one filing the divorce, therefore I am the one who doesnt want him! Like WTF?? Yes, I admit it made me rethink my actions and hold onto that hope agaun that he was coming to his senses. But that only lasted a day, then I snapped back to reality. I guess thats progress!


This man has zero conscience (DUH! - we knew that). On top of the hell he has put you thru, he then had the audacity to leave you w/o a shred of health insurance and then deny it! What keeps him from just dropping the kids off his insurance, too? 

I know you are trying to be the better person and civil, but concur w/ the other writers. Decrease your contact w/ him to ONLY what is required. You do not deserve this abuse and emotional turmoil - diminished interface will hopefully help!


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Fast?!? Isnt NJ 18 months waiting period on divorce?


----------



## broken30 (Apr 9, 2013)

With our cel phones....I can't remember how I did it, but I accidentally ( not smart with that kind of stuff)...set mine up to where I got every text that he was getting. Of course, he's also getting mine but....I've never had anything to hide. We also don't text that much either.

With our account... every phone number has a persons name assigned to the phone number they're using.....but somehow...they never assigned my name to my number...and instead, put his name on it.

I also get all his text that come to his Ipad.


----------



## ConfusedWTF (Jan 19, 2013)

MyLawyer sent me a draft of the divorce complaint. My head knows its right and I need to file but my heart is broken in a million pieces!


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Sorry. Want /= should do


----------



## secndtime (Aug 4, 2013)

I just filed after 8.5 mos of separation. My STBXH also left me reeling. Blamed me for everything and has refused to work on reconciliation. Said he would do to counseling but would not give up dating other people. Gotta love it - what a pair he's got. Absolutely, crushed me after 10 years together and adopting a child 3 yrs earlier. Do the 180. Txt only. Don't wait for him to reach out in love. It's not gonna happen right now or maybe never. Stop waiting for him throw you crumbs. I still cry but am doing well. Trying to date some. Also not looking to replace him. My 5 year old daughter is doing well so that helps me. 

Read up on narcissism, toxic relationships, and there are 2 great kindle books called "so you're in live with a narcissist"and "don't text that man" that youcan download to your pc using the kindle reader . Your feelings will be on those pages. You are not crazy - don't let him take you there. I know you are wondering "how could someone I loved treat me this way?" Unless you are one nasty wife, there is nothing you could do to justify being treated worse than he treats strangers. Consequently, he is not everything that you thought he was. Until you accept this, you will not move forward hoping he wakes up. Keep your distance as this will create space for you to heal that you won't have if you keep interacting. Mine had the ba..s to come and tell me he wanted to be friends after leaving me because he did not love me as a wife, i was controlling, manipulative, mean, abusive, not sexually appealing, YET he wants to be friends and had no problem trying to sleep with me. When I put a stop to it because he pulled out a condom, I was the bad one as he claims we could have worked out our problems in the bedroom - even thought there were others. Can you believe it? I was losing my mind. Don't let him mess with your head.

Now my X only gives me one word responses via text though he is friendly on the phone. I filed last month and it surprised him but he took it alright. Had the audacity to apologize that things had come to this point. 

Please do your homework. Your desire to love is no match for his selfishness right now. That is a battle you will never win.

Stay strong.


----------

