# Not willing to chance his death yet stuck in this hell



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

I'm back on here, always when I fall apart. When I'm okay, I tend to stay off of TAM. It's amazing that nowadays I am sometimes okay. Time is the only thing on our side - that's for sure.

Well, I'm so sick of this relationship I am stuck in. My wayward husband is so messed up and apparently not ready to make the changes necessary to overcome his sex addiction. It doesn't help that we can't afford therapy for him. He's out of control. 

I've been trying to move towards a divorce, but he loses it and becomes increasingly suicidal. I'm trying to focus on getting another car so I can have independence in that way. Two nights ago, well at 5 am, I find a noose hanging in the dining room. It's a horrific thing to see. It may be a mistake, but I couldn't bare the thought of his soul departing this world, and I held him tightly. He has lost all hope. The more hopeless and in despair he becomes, the less likely he can get better. He only believes in "can'ts". When I held him, I was so grateful to feel his pulse and to hear his breath. I can't accept him leaving this world.

And I can't accept this kind of life forever. 

I am thus stuck, paralyzed by the misery of this painful marriage and the horror of him no longer existing on this earth if I divorce him.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Take him to emergency immediately and tell them what happened.

Then go home, pack your bags, and leave and DO NOT LOOK BACK.

You should have called the cops when you found the noose.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Nothing Changes Nothing Changes


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He threatened suicide already once, no?

You need professional help here. Quit posting and get on the phone. Call the suicide hotline (did you do so when you were given that advice months ago?)


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He is manipulating you. Anyone that leaves a noose over the dining room table wants people to see it. People that are serious about it do it in private. Stop being his savior and his doormat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

Just because someone talks about suicide doesn't mean they won't do it. Happened with a friend of mine. (It's usually a cry for help when people talk about it, and it's a mistake to assume they won't just because they want to be helped.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

soulpotato said:


> Just because someone talks about suicide doesn't mean they won't do it. Happened with a friend of mine. (It's usually a cry for help when people talk about it, and it's a mistake to assume they won't just because they want to be helped.)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hence why she calls the suicide hotline, the cops, or takes him to emergency and then gets the hell out of dodge.

How much more of this are you going to take?? This man is SO toxic - SO toxic - I can't believe you're still with him. He is dragging you down into the sewer with him. GET OUT. NOW


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My dad did this to my mom often.

He quit doing it when she called 911 on him a couple of times.

Died of alcoholism at the age of 72.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Get him committed, and he will have to stay for a short while. Have you ever had him to a counselor?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I agree with calling 911. He is manipulating you.

He is a liar.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

911 the way to go. You'll be spared the problem of trying to talk him into going for help. He'll have the choice of going to lockup and transferred to the hospital or straight to the hospital. The officials in my town don't take any sh-t off folks threatening to off themselves


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Here's a link to your previous post about him threatening suicide, in case you've forgotten

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...de-letter-me-last-night-help.html#post1426144


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I'm not taking this bait anymore. 

Either call a suicide hotline or 911 and have him committed, or stop coming her and saying the same thing over and over again. 

What you don't realize is that you ARE choosing. You are choosing to not do anything and let him manipulate you. If that is your choice, then stop complaining to us about what you chose. If that is NOT your choice, then you will need to do something different, call a suicide hotline and/or call 911. 

I realize I probably sound really mean but I'm throwing the bs flag here :bsflag:


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You are not stuck. The next time he does something like this you have to call 911, keep him alive but call. Don't leave him alone when he does something like this, stay with him and call 911. No matter what he says when you call, call.

If he does complete a suicide it will not be your fault. This stuff needs to be documented. get a web cam, a video nanny, something that will record this.

When he is committed leave him.

I get you being torn. most folks will react the same way you did.

But you do need to stop allowing him to manipulate you


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

I'm agree that people that threaten suicide DO actually commit suicide.. But I believe it's mostly by accident.. 

My BFF from high school, like a brother to me.. in fact, my family referred to him as the adopted brother.. I talked to him on Good Friday.. Said, Easter Sunday is at my house, you coming? Kids or no? He texted back, "I wish, I'm working Sunday, but I love you. Will see you soon."

He killed himself Easter Sunday after work.. He had been depressed in prior months over his divorce.. but he worked REALLY hard to convince all of us that he was getting better.. Back at work.. going out with friends again.. Even signed up for a dating website.. 

And left a note.. he didn't want us to stop him.. He knew we would.. 


Soo.. I'm also calling bs here.. The 2 times in my life that I came somewhat close to the idea of suicide, I NEVER.TOLD.A.SOUL. You know why? B/c i was serious.. And I didn't want anyone to stop me.. 

He wants to control you. You need to have him committed. B/c someone that uses THAT as a weapon, is sick indeed..


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Thanks for all your responses, though to be honest, they were a bit discouraging and left me feeling like a pathetic poster. I'm sorry if I seem like I'm a complainer - I'll stop posting here if I'm becoming an annoyance on this forum. I just needed to rant and thought this was the place where you were allowed to share your woes.

Everybody here is assuming that because this happened before that I am doing nothing. But I DID call 911 last time, and he was in the psych ward for several days. It was a relief for me and showed him I was serious. I can't just keep doing that though. $5500 of publicly donated money was spent for that. 

Believe me, if money weren't an issue I'd have him in a psych ward until I could get out of this situation. I'm looking for a car right now, which will really help me get away from the toxicity. I've also found an amazing friend who is so positive and helping me detach from it all and understand why I am struggling to extricate myself from the situation.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> He threatened suicide already once, no?
> 
> You need professional help here. Quit posting and get on the phone. Call the suicide hotline (did you do so when you were given that advice months ago?)


Yes, I did follow that advice. I called 911 and had three cop cars outside our apartment complex. He was taken away and ultimately stayed at a psych ward for a week. 

That was a couple months ago. I'm really trying to do the right thing.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

WHat state are you in?

In Florida we have the Baker Act where the authorities will take someone like your husband and hold him under psych eval for 72 hours before determining if he needs mental help or not.
On e they determine a person does need help they give it to him.

Look into this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

totallyunexpected said:


> Well, I'm so sick of this relationship I am stuck in. My wayward husband is so messed up and apparently not ready to make the changes necessary to overcome his sex addiction. It doesn't help that we can't afford therapy for him. He's out of control.


He’s not out of control. I’ll tell you why below.


totallyunexpected said:


> I've been trying to move towards a divorce, but he loses it and becomes increasingly suicidal. I'm trying to focus on getting another car so I can have independence in that way. Two nights ago, well at 5 am, I find a noose hanging in the dining room. It's a horrific thing to see. It may be a mistake, but I couldn't bare the thought of his soul departing this world, and I held him tightly. He has lost all hope. The more hopeless and in despair he becomes, the less likely he can get better. He only believes in "can'ts". When I held him, I was so grateful to feel his pulse and to hear his breath. I can't accept him leaving this world.


He has found a way to manipulate you that works. All he has to do is to put on a show about committing suicide and he has you trapped again for a while. And by the way, you trap yourself.

Now I do not think he’s really out of control. Why? How long was that noose in the dining room? How long did he sit there, after hanging it up, waiting for you to show up and find it? If he really wanted to commit suicide by handing he would have found a tree somewhere with no one around and done it.

Is he still suicidal? Call the police. Show them the noose, shoot hang it back up there. And tell them that he keeps threatening to kill himself. They have to consider him a danger to himself. They will take him down to put him in a mental health unit for observation.

He will then start to get some help. And if he’s not suicidal he’s think twice before putting on that type of show.


totallyunexpected said:


> And I can't accept this kind of life forever.


So do not accept it. Call the police, have him taken some place for observation. 
Get an attorney and start the divorce.
Any time he starts to even talk about suicide call 911.


totallyunexpected said:


> I am thus stuck, paralyzed by the misery of this painful marriage and the horror of him no longer existing on this earth if I divorce him.


 You are not stuck. You refuse to do what you need to do to get unstuck. Call 911 and get unstuck. You have 100% control over this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

totallyunexpected said:


> Yes, I did follow that advice. I called 911 and had three cop cars outside our apartment complex. He was taken away and ultimately stayed at a psych ward for a week.
> 
> That was a couple months ago. I'm really trying to do the right thing.


So why didn't you call 911 2 nights ago?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

totallyunexpected said:


> Thanks for all your responses, though to be honest, they were a bit discouraging and left me feeling like a pathetic poster. I'm sorry if I seem like I'm a complainer - I'll stop posting here if I'm becoming an annoyance on this forum. I just needed to rant and thought this was the place where you were allowed to share your woes.


You are not an annoyance. But you apparently need some pretty swift kicks in the back side to get you to do that you need to do. You have power here and yet do not recognize it or use it.


totallyunexpected said:


> Everybody here is assuming that because this happened before that I am doing nothing. But I DID call 911 last time, and he was in the psych ward for several days. It was a relief for me and showed him I was serious. I can't just keep doing that though. $5500 of publicly donated money was spent for that.


If your husband has a real mental health problem that he needs that $5,500 publically donated money and probably a lot more. It’s not up to you to decide that he does not deserve the care that others donate for. If he needs it, he needs it.
You cannot help him in any way. Sadly you are part of the problem as you are his co-dependent. The person who plays the other half of his mentally ill acting out. After reading this post, it’s very likely that he will not get better until he’s away from you and does not have you to play that part of the interaction.


totallyunexpected said:


> Believe me, if money weren't an issue I'd have him in a psych ward until I could get out of this situation. I'm looking for a car right now, which will really help me get away from the toxicity. I've also found an amazing friend who is so positive and helping me detach from it all and understand why I am struggling to extricate myself from the situation.


Call 911 today about the noose incident. Get him the help he needs and work on your own issues.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

TotallyU,

I understand how your feel. Caught between two terrible alternatives.

Your husband understands but is unable to change... mental illness and addictive behaviors, what combination. Does he take meds?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> 911 the way to go. You'll be spared the problem of trying to talk him into going for help. He'll have the choice of going to lockup and transferred to the hospital or straight to the hospital. The officials in my town don't take any sh-t off folks threatening to off themselves


:iagree:


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

EleGirl you are giving me some swift kicks. They hurt but I can handle some of them. This particularly struck me as important for me to recognize: 



EleGirl said:


> Sadly you are part of the problem as you are his co-dependent. The person who plays the other half of his mentally ill acting out. After reading this post, it’s very likely that he will not get better until he’s away from you and does not have you to play that part of the interaction.


I never thought about it that way: Only without me, does he stand the chance of getting better. It's hard for me to register that.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> TotallyU,
> 
> I understand how your feel. Caught between two terrible alternatives.
> 
> Your husband understands but is unable to change... mental illness and addictive behaviors, what combination. Does he take meds?


Thanks LW. It feels good knowing someone else gets what I'm feeling. 

His problems:

Sexual addiction...Social anxiety/depression before this...Lying tendencies... neglected and hit by father as a child... low self-esteem.... believes he has no self-worth... impulsive

He takes Zoloft - 100 mg.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

totallyunexpected said:


> EleGirl you are giving me some swift kicks. They hurt but I can handle some of them. This particularly struck me as important for me to recognize:
> 
> 
> 
> I never thought about it that way: Only without me, does he stand the chance of getting better. It's hard for me to register that.


I say the above as it's something I had to recognize as well in my previous marriage. 

It's not to say that you are a bad person. It only means that you have become co-dependent. And he relies on your co-dependence. What does that mean? You put his needs ahead of yours always. You spend an exurbanite amount of time trying to figure out what you can do to get him to do what you know he needs to do. In the end you, the co-dependent, start to look like a control freak.. trying to get him to do the right thing.

Co-dependency is a natural reaction to a bad situation. It's natural to try to help someone we love. Over time we get sucked into the role of holding them up and trying to control their behaviors.

There are support groups for co-dependents. There are good books as well. One is "Codependent No More".


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Thanks Ele, I'll have to get that book. I'm only now looking at this whole mess from the angle of co-dependency and my role in it all. Before it was just him cheating. Or him the sex addict. Now I guess I gotta look in the mirror and see my part in this all.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

totallyunexpected said:


> Thanks Ele, I'll have to get that book. I'm only now looking at this whole mess from the angle of co-dependency and my role in it all. Before it was just him cheating. Or him the sex addict. Now I guess I gotta look in the mirror and see my part in this all.


As you do look at your role you will change dramatically, in very good ways.

One of the first steps you need to take is to stop enabling him. Have others handle him when he threatens to hurt himself. You cannot help him. Recognize this. Call 911 and let them help him. Let him deal with his own issues. It will build his strength and set you free.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

To add to elegirl's posts, I submit that the extent to which he is serious about ending his life, as opposed to manipulating you, it has less to do with actually losing you then it does with the sex addiction becoming public and ruining his life. The thing is that it's already ruining his life, but as long a you're around he doesn't have to deal with it. I still think he's manipulating you because the two people I know that committed suicide did so privately, and the one person I know that's been threatening it for decades is still alive and well. The noose is for you because it works, but regardless you can't think this is really benefiting him any more than it's benefiting you. What kind of life can this possibly be for him? If he was a drug addict and threatened suicide if you didn't buy him drugs would you do it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

totallyunexpected said:


> Thanks LW. It feels good knowing someone else gets what I'm feeling.
> 
> His problems:
> 
> ...


My father emotionally abused me as a small boy so I understand the mechanisms that lead to this negative state of mind. I did not understand this before I came to TAM, so I think you will benefit if you accept that some posts may not be pleasant reading.

It takes time for posters to understand a situation. Provocative statements speed up the getting to know you phase. Are there programs that he could attend? I assume that his not working right now and it is during the day while you are on the job, he is drifting in depression. Correct?

I think even something like AA could help.

Could you get a dog. If he took walks with it he could get fresh air and exercise. Might help him feel better.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

totallyunexpected said:


> Thanks for all your responses, though to be honest, they were a bit discouraging and left me feeling like a pathetic poster. I'm sorry if I seem like I'm a complainer - I'll stop posting here if I'm becoming an annoyance on this forum. I just needed to rant and thought this was the place where you were allowed to share your woes.
> 
> Everybody here is assuming that because this happened before that I am doing nothing. But I DID call 911 last time, and he was in the psych ward for several days. It was a relief for me and showed him I was serious. *I can't just keep doing that though. $5500 of publicly donated money was spent for that.
> *
> Believe me, if money weren't an issue I'd have him in a psych ward until I could get out of this situation. I'm looking for a car right now, which will really help me get away from the toxicity. I've also found an amazing friend who is so positive and helping me detach from it all and understand why I am struggling to extricate myself from the situation.


Why can't you keep doing that? :scratchhead:

Your husband is threatening suicide. He could, therefore, be mentally ill.

He needs treatment. And I think that spending $5,500 of publicly donated money is well-spent if it helps him get well.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Why can't you keep doing that? :scratchhead:
> 
> Your husband is threatening suicide. He could, therefore, be mentally ill.
> 
> He needs treatment. And I think that spending $5,500 of publicly donated money is well-spent if it helps him get well.


Sometimes it helps to hear this from another. Thanks MattMatt.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Don't you think being committed time and again but being turned loose might help you realize that he is going to be ok without you? Let the professionals deal with him. You aren't responsible for his life!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

OP, there's got to be a way you can get therapy (programs where it's free or reduced cost?). You obviously believe he is serious or you wouldn't be so torn. Give him the choice between getting help or not having you. That's the only way for you to protect yourself and him at the same time. He has to choose you or his dysfunction, and if he chooses his dysfunction, then your choice has been made for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Okay I will bite. This coming from a person who has had to do this for people running on the freeway, in their house coat, with bunny slippers, carrying a 12 inch butcher knife looking for her pet rabbit harvey. This is a manipulative move to keep you in check, This is not healthy at all. The very next time this happens 911 it, step back, let the pro's handle it. 72 hour hold, no matter what state you are in. This gives you ample time to pull yourself together and save what's left of you. This is sick, childish behavior what adult does that to another and thinks it's okay. No way.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

totallyunexpected said:


> I'm back on here, always when I fall apart. When I'm okay, I tend to stay off of TAM. It's amazing that nowadays I am sometimes okay. Time is the only thing on our side - that's for sure.
> 
> Well, I'm so sick of this relationship I am stuck in. My wayward husband is so messed up and apparently not ready to make the changes necessary to overcome his sex addiction. It doesn't help that we can't afford therapy for him. He's out of control.
> 
> ...


Most of the time, people use suicide as a form of control or attention and that's exactly what your H is doing.

The interesting thing about suicide is if someone TRULY wants to kill themselves, they usually do. It's not very hard.

You need to take him to the ER or call the cops about his suicide attempt, he'll get the help he needs, and then you need to leave him.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Rottdad42 said:


> Okay I will bite. This coming from a person who has had to do this for people running on the freeway, in their house coat, with bunny slippers, carrying a 12 inch butcher knife looking for her pet rabbit harvey. This is a manipulative move to keep you in check, This is not healthy at all. The very next time this happens 911 it, step back, let the pro's handle it. 72 hour hold, no matter what state you are in. This gives you ample time to pull yourself together and save what's left of you. This is sick, childish behavior what adult does that to another and thinks it's okay. No way.


My state does not do a 72 hour hold. I have done 302's (involuntary commitments) on folks from the early 90's to include two this year. In just one instance where a RN told us she was going to kill her special needs son and then kill herself, I did the 302, had the warrant signed while the state trooper waited for the documents to be signed. Once they were signed the trooper proceeded to bring her in. The RN abmitted to everything I wrote in my report. She was pickedup around 5:30 P.M. and released the next morning (so less then 24 hours).

Some of the folks I have had committed were held for over a month, but the 72 hour statement is not so in every state.

When I was in Iraq, we did not confine soldiers for more then a few hours, with the exception of one soldier who took pills and did extensive damage to their insides and has permanent damage. 

Typically, once the person is stabalized, that person can be reaccessed and released. 


I do think there is manipulation going on here, but in my years of dealing with suicide interventions and prevention, I would not dimiss his threats. I think his threats are real, and serious. He has stated his intentions and has a plan, that is as serious as it gets, prior to doing a completed suicide.

But. His manipulation of you. You are not the first person on TAM who has faced this same scenerio. Some posters have stayed with their WS, one I remember did so for over a year, for a while due to their WS's threats of wanting to kill themself. I remember one poster saying they hate what their WS did to them but they could not abandon them at this time. The one poster eventually did leave their WS, but did so after the person was stable.

I don't wish this on any one. Then the addition of finances issues.

Hang in there.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I have said here before, it is possible to enable someone to death. You should have left when he was held for a week. Stop taking this responsibility upon yourself, HE is the one in charge of his life, like it or not. I think if he were serious, he would have done it by now. My ex H's wife tried to off herself no less than four times when they got back together, and every time, she did it the exact same way, which was unsuccessful. Now if she were serious and not just after the attention, dont you think after her first failed attempt she would have done it in a way that was guaranteed not to fail? You need to keep calling the police as long as you insist on staying there, maybe he will give it up after a few times.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Here is some advice form my perspective: Taken from "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder".

1. Take his threats seriously. When he threatens suicide, tell him you will call 911 and do it.

2. Being manipulated by suicidal threats result in a no-win situation. Either complying with his wishes or not, both options are unacceptable. Refuse to be put in this position further. Say no. Tell him you want to support him getting help for his suicidal threats but you are determined to leave. If he says if you leave I will kill myself, put it right back on him (where the choice of life or death belongs), tell him that you care about him and you want him to choose life and seek help.

3. If he says I will kill myself if you leave me, say this. "I am not leaving you to be cruel to you. I'm very sorry that this hurts you. I want what is best for you in the future, but I can't be part of it. And even if I stay with you, that wouldn't solve our problems. Your life should be more important then being in relationship with me. Our relationship should not be based upon me staying because I am afraid of you dying and you staying because you think you can't live without me. That is not healthy. I care about you, and because I care about you I want you to live. And I want you to find your own happiness and your own life's worth, without me. "
I want to emphasize that this would be in responce to taking his threats of suicide seriously. 

The don't:
1. Don't argue with him about his threats of suicide. I have my suspicions about what your husband has as to a disorder, if so, if you tell him that he won't do it, he may attempt suicide just to prove you wrong. Watch what you say in anger.

2. Don't accuse him of manipulating you. Leave it. Many here are saying he is, I think he is as well, but leave it here among us, and if you get to share this with a professional, bring it up there.

3. Don't give in to his threats. This has been a very ugly cirlcle and you are being emotionally blackmailed. He is unhealthy. I do believe his threats are real, but that does not mean you need to stay.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Thorburn said:


> Here is some advice form my perspective: Taken from "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder"..


I was going to recommend that one too. Regardless of whether he's BPD or not, there's a lot in there that will help you. There's even advice on how to detach from someone like that where they aren't bitter toward you and perceive it as a good thing for them.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

I have an update, but first thank you all for the input you have offered.

Good news:

I finally told my parents. (I'm 27 and do not have kids which makes this easier.)

And they were really supportive and also not condemning towards my husband. My dad, surprisingly, seems a bit more hopeful that we can still make it work. My mom on the other hand seems to want me to get out of the relationship sooner rather than later. But both were really great on the phone - not judgmental, very rational, and altogether helpful and calm.

That was a MAJOR step for me. I have been wanting to talk to them about it for a long time, but I didn't want to hurt my husband's reputation in their eyes and he would freak out and I didn't want them to be hurt by this all. I feel such relief.

I'm working on finding a car yet. I think my dad is going to do a lot of searching on Craigslist to help me find something since I'm sure he will be worried.

Then I just need to work on slowly finding housing for my husband.

I'm so thankful there are no kids involved and that I found out about this madness and betrayal while I am still young.

Thanks again y'all. Hopefully, I won't have too many more downer, complaining posts in the near future.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

While I do hope that you the bad times end for you sooner than later, do not worry about posting here when you need support. 

I'm glad to hear that you are doing better now and that you spoke to your parents about this.


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