# HiRoad Update ... backslide



## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

TAM, did not sleep much last night, tossed and turned. This weekend was rough. Last kid exchange told W that i wanted to change our schedule to give me kids during the week so that i could have every other weeeked off. 

So I saw them last Friday night. Have my 1st weekend off went out with some friends, SIL and brother on sat had a blast and came home late. THen I text STBXW Sunday am to see "how are the kids doing." She did not repsond right away. So i backslide a little on the 180, i check her business bank account and i see that there are large charges for an exslusive hotel out of town. 

I google it and see that see she went on a quasi-business realted trip/party out of town. More a party with socialites than business related. 

So she finally texts me back 30 minutes later and say "kids are great", keep in mind it is 730am. I ask if "they are eating breakfast" no response. THen I say that "that i got them a suprise and would like to give to them this am". Now i know that she must still be out of town and she does not know i know. This is where it gets interesting, she tells me that the kids "still asleep".

Now i know she must be lieing, by this time it is 8am, and the kids are always up early. 

Long story short she does not tell me what she is doing, rather she lies. SHe must have left the kids wither with her mom or dad, while she went out of town.

She tells me that i can essentually see them Monday to give them there suprise. To which i tell her i will give to them thurs when i see them, and i leave it alone. 

I know i need to Let her go and be 100% committed to the 180, but our emotions are crazy, they lead me to think that there is hope that one day she may wake-up from all this and think *"What have i done?"*

Why do i love this women still when she is really not who i married anymore? :scratchhead:


----------



## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

.. on top of that i have been experiencing huge urges to call her and "test the waters" to see how she repsonds to me. Is this normal? I also feel sometimes if i can talk to her about our failed M then i may be able to get her to think about a R?

I am starting to see that she follows my lead a little, if i talk to her more, she responds more ( this was in the begining of our S), i talk to her less, she talks to me less. If i am mean she is mean. She has mentioned before that she wanted to remain friends duirng this whole process for the kids, but I refuse. Since we barely talk, text only, i am letting my actions speak.

Dont know what to make of all this mess, as a man i wish there was a guide!


----------



## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

More you spy on her , more you get jealous , angry , sad and depressed !

Why did you checked where she was ?

Now you now , she was in that exclusive hotel with the posOM , drinking , partying and having sex with him ! 

How does that feel ?

Do you like to torture your self ? 

Knowing or not it WON'T change ANYTHING in her behavior but will make you worst and worst every time you do it !

By spying on her you do NOT advance - opposite - you're taking a step BACK of your track !


----------



## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

HiRoad said:


> .. on top of that i have been experiencing huge urges to call her and "test the waters" to see how she repsonds to me. Is this normal? I also feel sometimes if i can talk to her about our failed M then i may be able to get her to think about a R?
> 
> I am starting to see that she follows my lead a little, if i talk to her more, she responds more ( this was in the begining of our S), i talk to her less, she talks to me less. If i am mean she is mean. She has mentioned before that she wanted to remain friends duirng this whole process for the kids, but I refuse. Since we barely talk, text only, i am letting my actions speak.
> 
> Dont know what to make of all this mess, as a man i wish there was a guide!



You wanna talk to her because you're hopping you can talk her AWAY from the posOM , so she get back to you !

Wont help , it will make you worst !

Or , she'll give you some fake hops ,you'll have a few happy days thinking you're making progress in regards with R , then she'll go out with the posOM , you'll spy her , you'll see/understand she is with him and you'll feel WORST then ever !

DON'T call her or talk to her !


----------



## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Thanks BM, I need a smack in the face. One of the hardest things to do is let go of my kids with her, yes she takes care of them, but I have a hard time with that she pawns them off on family while she goes out and parties! 

If she is going to do that, fine, but let me have the kids. It pisses me off that she is soo irresponsible. 

This is a rollercoaster that i want no part of. I have done soo much positive changes since the S, i see that she has done nothing! All her complaints about me and she is spending out of control, partying still, and caring for the kids when she wants to!

If there were no kids involved, trust me i would be out the door fast! But since there are, I feel obligated to them. Hard as hell!


----------



## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

HiRoad- Why do you still have a joint bank account? If she wants to "socialize", let her finance it herself.


----------



## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Even if there was no PosOM, she is soo in love with her new found life style, (that she can do what she wants with no repercusion), why would she want to come back to the responsible world of being a wife. That is no fun! 

In her world she can shop with the business money, live at her moms rent free, go out when she wants when the kids are with me, have her mom buy her a new car, live care free with no repsonsibilities. 

Thats way more fun that having to be a wife and mom! Do what you want when you want.


----------



## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

HiRoad said:


> Thanks BM, I need a smack in the face. One of the hardest things to do is let go of my kids with her, yes she takes care of them, but I have a hard time with that she pawns them off on family while she goes out and parties!
> 
> If she is going to do that, fine, but let me have the kids. It pisses me off that she is soo irresponsible.
> 
> ...


Lucky you she leave the kids with her parents and I'm sure they're taking good care of them !

What about this scenario - She call you on a Saturday morning and ask you if you want the kids because she have a business meeting that evening . You say Yes and you take care of your kids and have a great time. Then when they're in the bed you check her bank account and find out she is with the posOM , she needed you to take care of the kids so she can enjoy him ! 

How will that feel ?


----------



## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

soca70 said:


> HiRoad- Why do you still have a joint bank account? If she wants to "socialize", let her finance it herself.


It is not joint it is for the business that we opened together but she runs 100% of the time. When i opened the business checking her mom, my W, and I were signature holders on the account. My W has no clue i have access to everything. She is not that business savey. I just gave her a bunch of papers to sign and that was one of them.


----------



## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

HiRoad said:


> Even if there was no PosOM, she is soo in love with her new found life style, (that she can do what she wants with no repercusion), why would she want to come back to the responsible world of being a wife. That is no fun!
> 
> In her world she can shop with the business money, live at her moms rent free, go out when she wants when the kids are with me, have her mom buy her a new car, live care free with no repsonsibilities.
> 
> Thats way more fun that having to be a wife and mom! Do what you want when you want.



Read this and tell me what you think 

Divorce Busting® - Books on Marriage Problems - Book Sample: Divorce Remedy


----------



## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

BigMac said:


> Lucky you she leave the kids with her parents and I'm sure they're taking good care of them !
> 
> What about this scenario - She call you on a Saturday morning and ask you if you want the kids because she have a business meeting that evening . You say Yes and you take care of your kids and have a great time. Then when they're in the bed you check her bank account and find out she is with the posOM , she needed you to take care of the kids so she can enjoy him !
> 
> How will that feel ?


I understand, it would be so much easier if i had the kids fulltime and she see them when she wants. A posOM, sure would hurt, but i would feel at peace that i could absolutely let go. But this whole limbo feeling or feeling of hope, stinks!


----------



## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

BigMac said:


> Read this and tell me what you think
> 
> Divorce Busting® - Books on Marriage Problems - Book Sample: Divorce Remedy


LOL! I have read this at least 5x's, and i have read Morts book, 5 love languages, Let them go here, I am part of a marriage online program (dana filmore), and many more etc. I guess i need to read them again!


----------



## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

> But this whole limbo feeling or feeling of hope, stinks!



That's the WORST part my friend ... the WORST !

Have you asked your self WHY 180 says NO CONTACT ???

Here the answer : no contact = no empty hopes = no roller coasters = quicker healing process !!!

It toke me 1 month to understand that ! 

Hope you're smarter then me


----------



## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

I guess i am venting here, she has no idea what i am going through because we have NC/LC. She knows only that I wanted to see my children yesterday, which is not a bad thing. 

What the truth really is that i have good days and bad, doing the 180 and NC/LC is hard, especially when I want my family back together.


----------



## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

I NEED to stop looking at her bank account. When i dont know what she is doing, I am ok. When i see what she is doing, i am not ok.

I get it.


----------



## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

HiRoad said:


> LOL! I have read this at least 5x's, and i have read Morts book, 5 love languages, Let them go here, I am part of a marriage online program (dana filmore), and many more etc. I guess i need to read them again!


This is why you have to let her go ! And stop chasing her !

Soon or late she'll understand what she did !

Woman with kids No WAY she wanna be single believe me , she is now in lala land n=but that will disappear as soon as you let her go !

Like my X


----------



## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

BigMac said:


> That's the WORST part my friend ... the WORST !
> 
> Have you asked your self WHY 180 says NO CONTACT ???
> 
> ...


Since the S (11 weeks ago) i have been in LC w/ the STBXW. But as of a month ago it has been stricly business, or that what i show her.

We also have a xmas party at the kids daycare to go to in 2 weeks, she said in text that this would be nice that we both go for the kids!


----------



## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

BigMac said:


> This is why you have to let her go ! And stop chasing her !
> 
> Soon or late she'll understand what she did !
> 
> ...


I am chasing her in my head! That is the crazy part. 

This is soo true, we have 2S's 3 and 1.5, I cant fathum she wanting to be a single mom at 30. Thats partly why i am sure there is no posOM, or at least i think, becasue when it comes to them she is soo protective. She even tried to contest the D to get full legal custody but once i started the 180 she changed her mind.

I think she was just sick and tired of my s**t (which was not much just typical guy stuff, golf too much, drink too much, not about her)


----------



## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

> I think she was just sick and tired of my s**t (which was not much just typical guy stuff, golf too much, drink too much, not about her)


Same here , and since is not cheating or abuse involved , they'll regret very soon what they lost ... for some may be "Too little , too late " , but they'll realize it for sure.

You're doing well , don't contact her no matter what !

If you think you feel like writing her an e-mail with your toughs , just do it here !


----------



## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

BigMac said:


> Same here , and since is not cheating or abuse involved , they'll regret very soon what they lost ... for some may be "Too little , too late " , but they'll realize it for sure.
> 
> You're doing well , don't contact her no matter what !
> 
> If you think you feel like writing her an e-mail with your toughs , just do it here !


Thanks BM, I am planning on NC/LC until we see each other again which will be this sunday night when she p/u the kids. We see each other once a weeke on echanges. 

I am hopeful that the holiday season softens her heart. 

That is what is hard for me, the HOPE. Hoping that things change for the better.

As a guy, i want things to be black and white, but in this case it is not. 

I know your feelings will lead you down cheeseless tunnels like M.Miener-Davis says!


----------



## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Where do you exchange kids ? 

Can you have someone else doing it ? 

Or you just wanna see her ?


Remember , 11 weeks isn't that long of a time , she is detaching for years . So even when you show you changed she wont believe it . This is why you need consistency !


My therapist asked me - OK , imagine in 6 months you both decide you love each other and wanna go in R . You'll be changed and understandable on what, how , why ! What if SHE isn't changed ? Do you gonna pull up with it ?

think about it


----------



## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

BigMac said:


> Where do you exchange kids ?
> 
> Can you have someone else doing it ?
> 
> ...


Ahhh, this is very helpful. My therapist gave me the same advise, she essentially said, HiRoad there is no rush, sit back work on yourself be consistent (even tho she is not) and watch. She said time is on my side. That i need to do things for me not for her (180). She is 100% confirdent that at some point she will come back, when, that is the question, and if i will accept her is the other! 

We were exchanging the kids at each others house, but as of late i have her meet me, usually at a starbucks.

Yes, as discussed i will have someone else do it! 

She has said numverous times that i was soo "checked out" to alot of people. So when i check back in then what, STBXW!


----------



## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

after reading and talking to TAM today, i am about to go from NC to DARK!


----------



## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Yes , don't go your self ! Send always someone else ! Even if she need to come to your house let always someone else doing it !

That creates mystery around you ! Woman LOVE mystery ! This way you'll get her attention and she may try to chase you just because she wonder what are you up to !


----------

