# i cheated on my wife.



## cosmo_x

she found the texts. she talked to the girl i cheated with. she wants to save our marriage. i want to save out marriage. i want to have my wife back. i have a newborn daughter and i want to save my family. what can i do to save us?


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## cosmo_x

someone please help me! i want to save my marriage and my family!


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## michzz

Then stop cheating, express remorse over an extended period of time--to your wife.

Get checked for STDs and share the results with your wife.

PROVE to your wife you regret what you did and be transparent, answer all of her questions. 

DO NOT LIE TO HER.

Seek professional help.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Why do you want to save your marriage?


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## cosmo_x

Brennan said:


> Why do you want to save your marriage?


i do love my wife. we have a daughter together. i want my family. i want to grow old with my wife. i had some problems and i know why i cheated. my wife made me realize that there actually something with her and i. i will not cheat anymore, i dont want to.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Cosmo,
I asked that question because it sounded like you wanted to save your marriage because you have a newborn. In this post you spoke of your wife first. That is very encouraging.
Why did you cheat? What happened? What are the problems?


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## cosmo_x

Brennan said:


> Cosmo,
> I asked that question because it sounded like you wanted to save your marriage because you have a newborn. In this post you spoke of your wife first. That is very encouraging.
> Why did you cheat? What happened? What are the problems?


i felt like i didnt play the field long enough and i was scared of being a dad and a husband. i felt like i wasnt good enough. i thought if i went out and had fun then i would feel better, but now i feel like ****!


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## Susan2010

Sign up for counseling to help with your insecurities and to prove to your wife that you really want help and are sincere about working to save the marriage.

Never again allow yourself to do anything that might raise suspicion in your wife or cause her to feel she cannot trust you.

Measure your successes by your happy and successful marriage, not by regrets of the past. 

Show your wife how much you love her and work to rekindle romance and earn her trust back. SHOW that you love her, don't just say it. This movie will teach you how. Rent it. Watch it. Follow the principles.

You have some work to do for quite some time. She will need your love and assurance to help her through this. Otherwise, this will come back to bite you a month from now, a year from now, or whenever you least expect it because even though she will forgive you, it is impossible for her to forget. You have succeeded to anchor her in an extremely painful place. It will haunt her intermittently and cause her that exact same pain all over again. Answer all of her questions, comfort her when she cries, and show her lots of love.


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## Therealbrighteyes

I agree with Susan on this one. First off, "not playing the field enough" prior to marriage is not a reason to cheat on your wife. That is an excuse. Having said that, I can understand feelings of insecurities at becoming a husband and father. It is a scary time. It's growing up time. Suddenly somebody else has to become more important than you.....your spouse and your child. You didn't mention your age but I am guessing you are young? I really agree with Susan about counseling. You are new to marriage and things are supposed to be fairly simple at this point. People get married every day and babies are conceived and born all the time. Stressful, yes. Worthy of running away and cheating for validation, no. I think counseling would help you tremendously. If you run away now when times seem pretty good, what happens to your inner voice when times are REALLY tough. Job loss, child in hospital, perhaps loss of a home, death in the family, illness with your wife. What then? You need to do the hard work and figure out why you run away from situations that make you feel scared and not measuring up.
And Susan is totally correct with the anchor analogy. It is an anchor around her neck. She will be weighted down by it until you do the necessary things to lessen the weight. Saying I love you isn't it. It is holding her when she is crying, proving to her through total transparency will cell phones, internet, etc. that you are no longer cheating. It is about being accountable at all times. The anchor will never fully go away but in time the load it carries can be very little if you do the hard work that is necessary for the situation you put your marriage in.
Best of luck to you. You really sound sincere.


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## wolf21

Cosmo, I feel your pain.

Though I try to lead with the heart and live honor and chivalry, I have not done so. I have for so long neglected my family and hurt my wife of 6 years (10 together) and children and she took the kids and ran eight weeks ago. She walked away because she could not get through to me that things needed to change, that she was hurting because of me, because of my sins, my pride, my arrogance, my selfishness... Divorce papers have arrived. I have no way to contact them because I am under a Restraining Order for things I said in the heat of the moment that I did not mean. I've only seen her once in court and only seen my children three times, for 24 hours each, since Sept. 7.

My life has only been pretty on the outside, and I wonder even about that at this point. At 42, watching my second marriage crumble, with an 18 year old son I am just now trying to have a relationship with, watching my babies (4 and 3 years old) face my financial struggles and neglect, watching the talent people tell me I have having been wasted, realizing how much money I've squandered over the years, seeing the hurt I've caused to my wife, my ex-wife, their families, my children, my family and my friends, I am nothing but a giant failure. I now realize what's important, but can't do anything about it, not even apologize to her or show her I've been changing.

I'm back in church and my walk with God. I've disposed of most of my personal belongings for pennies on the dollar and most of the rest of my belongings went to Goodwill because I had no job and no money and couldn't afford to carry stuff around any more or store it. I have no idea how all that junk actually fit in my garage and house! It's not a big deal in the long run, because all the "stuff" just cluttered my home and life and kept me from seeing what was really important...my God and my wife and my children. I'm quitting smoking. I'm working on my foul language. I've gotten more job interviews in the last eight weeks than in the last eight years and have picked up a full time freelance project and hope to start working a "9-5" shortly as well...

I love my wife and our children more than anything in this world, so all I can do is pray for one more chance to love my wife and children the way I was called by God to do, but failed to do; try and find a job (or as much work as I can find) and knuckle down on being a Promise Keeper instead of a giant yahoo.

To my wife and children, I say PLEASE forgive me. I LOVE YOU!

Your prayers for our marriage and family to be saved are most welcome.


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## ozwang

you say you were afraid of being a dad....why have a baby then.

you say you were afraid of being a husband...why get married then.


you say you cheated because you thought some fun would make you feel better :scratchhead:

your 'fun' should be spending time with your wife and baby. If that isn't 'fun' for you, you should leave, they'd be better off without someone like you.

If you really do love your wife, you have alot of respect and trust to regain.


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## that_girl

cosmo_x said:


> i do love my wife. we have a daughter together. i want my family. i want to grow old with my wife. i had some problems and i know why i cheated. my wife made me realize that there actually something with her and i. i will not cheat anymore, i dont want to.


These things didn't go through your mind while you were cheating?


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## moonangel

cosmo_x said:


> i felt like i didnt play the field long enough and i was scared of being a dad and a husband. i felt like i wasnt good enough. i thought if i went out and had fun then i would feel better, but now i feel like ****!


These thoughts should have been shared with your wife. She should be the only person you could go to and be who you are. If you have to keep these personal thoughts to yourself, what's the point of sharing a life with someone?


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## that_girl

moonangel said:


> These thoughts should have been shared with your wife. She should be the only person you could go to and be who you are. If you have to keep these personal thoughts to yourself, what's the point of sharing a life with someone?


:iagree: Time to man up and address your fears with your wife.


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## annagarret

you know what, marriage is very, very hard. don't ever,ever give up on your family. If anyone on this site says that they never cheated, even in their mind, they are lying. You are a very brave man and a great dad and husband. Keep fighting for your family. That's the only thing worth fighting for in this crummy world.


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## ClipClop

While I can't know what plenty means, I would be very surprised if a passing thought hasn't crossed through most ppls minds by the time they are 40ish. To me, lust is a form of mental cheating. It all starts somewhere. Faithful people guard themselves by not dwelling on those thoughts. But that doesn't mean they haven't had them. Women perhaps don't lust the same way as men. We get interested more emotionally. And then wonder about the person. It doesn't have to be sexual. But it is the same kind of thinking that can lead to unfaithfulness. I just think men do it mote often.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ncooke

annagarret said:


> If anyone on this site says that they never cheated, even in their mind, they are lying.


Uh, what? Cheating in my mind?


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## omega

annagarret said:


> If anyone on this site says that they never cheated, even in their mind, they are lying.


That's a pile of [email protected] Speaking for myself, I absolutely have never cheated, even "in my mind." Please keep the generalizations about others on the site to yourself!



> You are a very brave man and a great dad and husband.


Yeah, he's a great dad and husband, he cheated on his wife and not only that, it took her discovering it and calling him on it to get him to stop.

To the OP, you screwed up. Terribly. Own what you did, approach your wife for forgiveness but don't expect it. She doesn't "have to" forgive you. It's very difficult to rebuild trust after infidelity. Maybe not impossible, but getting back to pre-cheating trust is a massive achievement for those who manage it. Most don't. You may need to cut your losses (wife, daughter) and go out on your own and do whatever it is (fun) that you feel you have not done. If you got married too early, that's your mistake, and you need to take responsibility for it.


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## OOE

Cosmo x started this thread in June of last year and hasn't posted again since.

I'm sure he's either resolved his issues or has moved on by now.


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