# Hurting so terribly



## loveisaverb1 (Jul 8, 2012)

I am really grieving, married 20 years to a real beauty and now separated for 5 months. I think her good looks, was all I was holding onto though. It is not about who was wrong and who was right - I just know, that no one can prepare themselves for this kind of roller coaster ride of emotions and great pain. I walked out after 20 years, there was just no support from her, I basically did everything and in the end became a door mat and taken advantage of - its a long story but heck, I am hurting! I guess I am looking for some sort of validation. She has the support of her "church family" I feel cast out and alone. I still love her so much, dream of her all the time. I have been for counselling, and realize I just can not fix this one. My Councillor pointed out that I have always been a "worker" just working hard to try and fix things. Everytime she treated me bad, I looked within and searched for where I had gone wrong, I tried to do good things for her, bought her shoes she liked, breakfast in bed, manicures and all sorts. I tried being more loving but nothing was good enough. I now realize that I was actually rewarding her for bad behaviour and she became like a spoiled little girl, rather then a supportive and loving wife - I have to take responsibility for allowing her to manipulate me. I feel like bursting into tears, 20 years is a long time and boy, am I hurting


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

loveisaverb1 said:


> I am really grieving, married 20 years to a real beauty and now separated for 5 months. I think her good looks, was all I was holding onto though. It is not about who was wrong and who was right - I just know, that no one can prepare themselves for this kind of roller coaster ride of emotions and great pain. I walked out after 20 years, there was just no support from her, I basically did everything and in the end became a door mat and taken advantage of - its a long story but heck, I am hurting! I guess I am looking for some sort of validation. She has the support of her "church family" I feel cast out and alone. I still love her so much, dream of her all the time. I have been for counselling, and realize I just can not fix this one. My Councillor pointed out that I have always been a "worker" just working hard to try and fix things. Everytime she treated me bad, I looked within and searched for where I had gone wrong, I tried to do good things for her, bought her shoes she liked, breakfast in bed, manicures and all sorts. I tried being more loving but nothing was good enough. I now realize that I was actually rewarding her for bad behaviour and she became like a spoiled little girl, rather then a supportive and loving wife - I have to take responsibility for allowing her to manipulate me. I feel like bursting into tears, 20 years is a long time and boy, am I hurting


Man, this touched me deeply. I have also recently separated from my wife of 18 years after a similar situation. We went to counseling for a year and things only got worse. My wife refused to go back to the counselor eventually. She even made untrue accusations about me, telling friends I had abused her, our son, and that I had bugged our phones to spy on her. 

So I feel for you, man. I don't have any advice, but I can offer my empathy. I feel where you're coming from.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Do you still love her? If so, stop trying to fix her and become a man that isn't a nice guy and doormat. Treat her with love and read no more mister nice guy. It just might change your life and allow you to have everything you want with the woman your still married to.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

im so sorry you're going through so much pain. i too was the "fixer" and i agree with you that it may have created a spoiled child of a spouse. it sucks big time. what sucks more is how much it hurts. here for you if you need to vent or a shoulder to cry on.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It will be OK.
Right now you are mourning the death of a marriage, and like in any death you mourn and then move on.

This death has its causes, but just like any cancer you have to kill the cell to live and what you are doing is living again, but for now you are mourning and in time ...in a very short time you will start to live again.

It is your choice how long you want to grieve just like it is your choice to start living.

Start living brother.

Its not what knocks us down that matters, it how we get back up that counts.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

loveisaverb1 said:


> I feel like bursting into tears, 20 years is a long time and boy, am I hurting


I'm sorry for your pain. It's important to feel those feelings so you can process things. If you feel like crying then cry and cry hard. I sobbed randomly and daily for about five weeks. 

As others will likely point out, you can't fix your wife. You can only fix yourself. Spend this time being good to you and make a plan about how to move forward.

Go easy.


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## loveisaverb1 (Jul 8, 2012)

Thank you supportive, caring and loving people. I guess time is a healer, a friend said it takes 2 years minimum, I guess this may be true. In the meantime I am doing things I like. I bought myself a cruiser (Motorbike) and am going to do some touring around beautiful New Zealand.


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