# Should I tell my friend's husband that she cheated on him?



## ariel_angel77

He believes that he is the only man she has ever been with. When they separated temporarily for a couple of months, she slept with 5 other guys and conceived a child. Her husband believes it is his child. She tells me it could be one of the other men's child but she thinks it is her husband's because shes says the child looks like him. I know that her husband is suspicious because she told me he has asked her if their two children are his. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and thought "well maybe she'll end up telling him" but it's been a year and she still hasn't told him, and she says she never plans on telling him that she slept with these other men because it's not a big deal to her. 
I've just been feeling really guilty for not telling him. He's also my friend and he has been so nice to me. A large part of me says it's none of my business. But another part says that if it were me, I would want to know.
What do you guys think?


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## ReidWright

"separated temporarily for a couple of months"

do you know if monogamy was part of the separation agreement?


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## PBear

Would you want to know?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clay2013

Any time you have kids involve the truth has to be told. She is not just messing with her husbands life she is messing with a child's life as well. If it was me I would pull him aside and tell him to get the child DNA tested. He does not have to tell her he is doing it and then he can choose how he wants to proceed when he knows all the facts. 

Clay


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## staystrong

What a mess. 

He needs to do a paternity test. 

It will open up a can of worms even if it's positive.

Whether you tell him or give your friend an ultimatum, be prepared to lose the friendship.


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## WillinTampa

ariel_angel77 said:


> He believes that he is the only man she has ever been with. When they separated temporarily for a couple of months, she slept with 5 other guys and conceived a child. Her husband believes it is his child. She tells me it could be one of the other men's child but she thinks it is her husband's because shes says the child looks like him. I know that her husband is suspicious because she told me he has asked her if their two children are his. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and thought "well maybe she'll end up telling him" but it's been a year and she still hasn't told him, and she says she never plans on telling him that she slept with these other men because it's not a big deal to her.
> I've just been feeling really guilty for not telling him. He's also my friend and he has been so nice to me. A large part of me says it's none of my business. But another part says that if it were me, I would want to know.
> What do you guys think?


Well, I would want to know so I could kill her --- so, if you don't want blood on your hands, it will probably be best to say nothing.

You never know what door you could open. If he's suspicious now, he'll probably eventually find out. 

I'd just leave it alone. 

.


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## ariel_angel77

ReidWright said:


> "separated temporarily for a couple of months"
> 
> do you know if monogamy was part of the separation agreement?


I'm not completely sure, but I know she expected monogamy from him.


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## ariel_angel77

PBear said:


> Would you want to know?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For sure.


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## The Middleman

I would tell him what you know and then end your friendship with her; you don't need friends like her. Of course, there will be repercussions. But then again, there are always repercussions for doing the right thing.


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## OpenEnded

3 questions you need to answer for yourself:

1. How valuable is this friendship for you with a person capable of such level of deceit?

2. How important is your moral and ethical cleanliness?

3. How those two before compare?


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## Thound

I would want to know if it were me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07

Why do you need friends like her?


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## ReidWright

ariel_angel77 said:


> I'm not completely sure, but I know she expected monogamy from him.


ok, then it sounds like cheating. And it's weird that "it's not a big deal to her"

and,yikes, five guys in two months? sounds like a busy lady. Was she able to stop cold turkey once she got back with him?


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## GusPolinski

ariel_angel77 said:


> He believes that he is the only man she has ever been with. When they separated temporarily for a couple of months, she slept with 5 other guys and conceived a child. Her husband believes it is his child. She tells me it could be one of the other men's child but she thinks it is her husband's because shes says the child looks like him. I know that her husband is suspicious because she told me he has asked her if their two children are his. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and thought "well maybe she'll end up telling him" but it's been a year and she still hasn't told him, and she says she never plans on telling him that she slept with these other men because it's not a big deal to her.
> I've just been feeling really guilty for not telling him. He's also my friend and he has been so nice to me. A large part of me says it's none of my business. But another part says that if it were me, I would want to know.
> What do you guys think?


Holy crap! Yes, tell him!

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## GusPolinski

ReidWright said:


> "separated temporarily for a couple of months"
> 
> do you know if monogamy was part of the separation agreement?


Separated for a couple of months. Five other guys. I'm guessing she's the one that pushed for the separation.

Who cares what was or wasn't part of the agreement?!? Tell him!

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## 3putt

What I would do is give her a week to tell her BH the truth, and let her know that if she doesn't, then you will.


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## GusPolinski

ariel_angel77 said:


> ReidWright said:
> 
> 
> 
> "separated temporarily for a couple of months"
> 
> do you know if monogamy was part of the separation agreement?
> 
> 
> 
> I'm not completely sure, but I know she expected monogamy from him.
Click to expand...

Oh, the irony.

Oops, I meant hypocrisy.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## 3Xnocharm

What about telling him anonymously? This one is tough, because on one hand, it really isnt your business. On the other, there are KIDS involved with this, so what she is doing/has done is pretty rotten, and the man deserves to know. 

Good luck with your decision.


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## StuckInAL

honestly; i think it would depend on the situation. 

i know a couple....they went through a rough patch...unofficial separation. he moved out for a few weeks. during that time, his wife had a ONS. she never told him.

they later patch everything up. go on to be married 10+ yrs to date. have 3 great kids. according to his wife, it's something she regrets to this day; but she never told him.

in that case; i'd not say anything. the wife is honestly sorry and has no intention of ever cheating again. her actions prove that since she's remained faithful all these years post. she's stayed by his side thru money problems...a bout w/substance abuse...etc..etc.

in your case...you have WW who doesn't seem to be regretful or remorseful at all...the paternity of a kid is in question...i'd probably tell him. she seems pretty inclined to do it again.....


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## Q tip

5 guys? Yikes..! This has been going on longer than those couple of months. Seems she wanted some quality time with BH out of the way. He's was merely a show stopper, cramping her style.

Yes, he needs to know. She is toxic. No need to worry about losing a "friend" like that.


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## Forest

He needs to know what kind of woman he's with.

A trial separation, they are still married, and she's screwing 5 guys in two months? She was never serious to begin with, just a selfish shrew.


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## Forest

He needs to know what kind of woman he's with.

A trial separation, they are still married, and she's screwing 5 guys in two months? She was never serious to begin with, just a selfish shrew.


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## Q tip

You should actually be insulted that she share evil like this so freely with others except her BH. He means nothing to her. She should mean nothing to you.

Have him get a DNA test of the children. Cheap and simple.


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## Ripper

Your business or not, she is committing paternity fraud on this poor guy. Better it all comes out now, then years down the road.

Also, how nice that she decided to ride the carousel for a while and then sink her hooks back into her husband. Vile, selfish individual. You might want to distant yourself from her.


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## MattMatt

ariel_angel77 said:


> He believes that he is the only man she has ever been with. When they separated temporarily for a couple of months, she slept with 5 other guys and conceived a child. Her husband believes it is his child. She tells me it could be one of the other men's child but she thinks it is her husband's because shes says the child looks like him. I know that her husband is suspicious because she told me he has asked her if their two children are his. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and thought "well maybe she'll end up telling him" but it's been a year and she still hasn't told him, and she says she never plans on telling him that she slept with these other men because it's not a big deal to her.
> I've just been feeling really guilty for not telling him. He's also my friend and he has been so nice to me. A large part of me says it's none of my business. But another part says that if it were me, I would want to know.
> What do you guys think?


He is your friend. And you are his friend. Well, are you?


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## MattMatt

StuckInAL said:


> honestly; i think it would depend on the situation.
> 
> i know a couple....they went through a rough patch...unofficial separation. he moved out for a few weeks. during that time, his wife had a ONS. she never told him.
> 
> they later patch everything up. go on to be married 10+ yrs to date. have 3 great kids. according to his wife, it's something she regrets to this day; but she never told him.
> 
> in that case; i'd not say anything. the wife is honestly sorry and has no intention of ever cheating again. her actions prove that since she's remained faithful all these years post. she's stayed by his side thru money problems...a bout w/substance abuse...etc..etc.
> 
> in your case...you have WW who doesn't seem to be regretful or remorseful at all...the paternity of a kid is in question...i'd probably tell him. she seems pretty inclined to do it again.....


But in this case the wife made the same mistake *five* times. What does that make her? A very slow learner?:scratchhead:


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## MattMatt

3putt said:


> What I would do is give her a week to tell her BH the truth, and let her know that if she doesn't, then you will.


Which might give her time to make OP out to be a loony troublemaker.:scratchhead:


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## tom67

He needs to know his health is at risk at the very least.
You should tell him.


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## tom67

Remember that thread where the wife had 2 affairs while working abroad and got aids.
She died first then the man and I forget someones parents took care of the kid.
He needs an STD test now.


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## ariel_angel77

OpenEnded said:


> 3 questions you need to answer for yourself:
> 
> 1. How valuable is this friendship for you with a person capable of such level of deceit?
> 
> 2. How important is your moral and ethical cleanliness?
> 
> 3. How those two before compare?


I have been questioning my friendship with her for a while. A little background info...I met her through my H, who was good friends with her in high school. Upon me becoming friends with her, she told me she was separated from her H and that she was pregnant with this child and that I'm the first person she has told. A little later, she told me that she had slept with these men. Then she complained about her H chatting with a woman and the woman writing "I love you!" in a friendly manner on his wall and him discussing marital problems with the woman. That told me she expected him to remain faithful. 

So, she didn't tell anyone (except me, her H, and one other friend) that she was pregnant. She told her H's family at 7 months pregnant, then let her own parents figure it out on their own a month before her due date (she had a very small baby and wore baggy clothes). That put up a red flag for me.

Then, when my H and I were having problems, I talked to her about them. Instead of her saying "Oh, he's treating you bad, you shouldn't put up with that" she said "he's white trash. His family is white trash. Nobody in high school liked him and he wasn't popular at all. So you shouldn't be with him." I thought that was very odd.

Anyway, she has lied to me on a few occasions about dumb things, ignored me on several occasions, things like that which made me wonder.


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## ariel_angel77

Okay, so I should tell him.
How should I tell him? We don't hang out alone and I don't see him unless I'm with my friend. We go to the same college and won't be having classes again for another two months. He comes to the computer lab sometimes, should I tell him to meet me at the computer lab? I don't want to text him and ask him to meet up with me, then for him to say "W, your friend wants to meet up with me in secret and it's really weird." He's very faithful to her.


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## BetrayedDad

ariel_angel77 said:


> He believes that he is the only man she has ever been with. When they separated temporarily for a couple of months, she slept with 5 other guys and conceived a child. Her husband believes it is his child. She tells me it could be one of the other men's child but she thinks it is her husband's because shes says the child looks like him. I know that her husband is suspicious because she told me he has asked her if their two children are his. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and thought "well maybe she'll end up telling him" but it's been a year and she still hasn't told him, and she says she never plans on telling him that she slept with these other men because it's not a big deal to her.
> I've just been feeling really guilty for not telling him. He's also my friend and he has been so nice to me. A large part of me says it's none of my business. But another part says that if it were me, I would want to know.
> What do you guys think?



Put it this way. If you DON'T tell him then you are an accomplice to the cheating. No different really than an AP. You seem to be an ethical person since you are here. So do the right thing. The only responsibility you have is to provide him the information. You may do it anonymously if you wish (I see nothing wrong with that, if you don't want trouble.) Perhaps write him a letter or an anonymous email? Make sure you outline EVERYTHING. After that, what he choices to do with the information is on him. You are in the clear conscious wise. You don't want to be like your "friend" and let him live a lie.... We both know only a morally bankrupt person would do that. You know what you HAVE to do. Good Luck.


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## vellocet

ariel_angel77 said:


> He believes that he is the only man she has ever been with. When they separated temporarily for a couple of months, she slept with 5 other guys and conceived a child. Her husband believes it is his child.


YES!! You tell him!!




> I've just been feeling really guilty for not telling him. He's also my friend and he has been so nice to me.


If he is anything like me, and if he finds out what she did and that you knew, he'll be angry with you for not telling him. But that's if he is like me.

I had people that knew about my wife's infidelities, but they thought it was none of their business to tell me. But they sure would sit around and talk about it like it was their business apparently. When I found out, I was furious with the few people that knew. I won't talk to them to this day. I feel they betrayed me as well. 

One thing is for sure, you can't consider him a friend if you end up helping to keep him in the dark.


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## NextTimeAround

Tell the husband anonymously and quietly freeze them out. If the husband opted for divorce I met let him back into my social circle.


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## vellocet

ariel_angel77 said:


> Then, when my H and I were having problems, I talked to her about them. Instead of her saying "Oh, he's treating you bad, you shouldn't put up with that" she said "he's white trash. His family is white trash. Nobody in high school liked him and he wasn't popular at all. So you shouldn't be with him." I thought that was very odd.


She a hypocrite, SHE is the white trash here(I'm assuming she is white).


I don't give a rats ass about the "separated" part either. Separated is not divorced, they ended up getting back together, and as you said, she expected fidelity from him the whole time. She f****d 5 different guys in a couple months while still married. 

Is this the kind of skank you want as a friend? Nothing against you, but people could look at this as a "birds of a feather" kind of thing.


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## murphy5

ariel_angel77 said:


> I'm not completely sure, but I know she expected monogamy from him.


She screws FIVE GUYS with unprotected sex, and yet she fully expected HIM to not fool around??:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Where the heck do you find women like that! 

I was going to advise you to let it slide...but with HER attitude, I would drop an anonymous note to him in the mail. Typewrite it and mail it from out of town.


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## aug

ariel_angel77 said:


> For sure.





ariel_angel77 said:


> Okay, so I should tell him.
> How should I tell him? We don't hang out alone and I don't see him unless I'm with my friend. We go to the same college and won't be having classes again for another two months. He comes to the computer lab sometimes, should I tell him to meet me at the computer lab? I don't want to text him and ask him to meet up with me, then for him to say "W, your friend wants to meet up with me in secret and it's really weird." He's very faithful to her.



Yes you should tell him. (The Golden Rule)


You may want to plant the idea of paternity test into his head. The test is inexpensive.

I suspect her husband is already suspicious as per your earlier post. You can help ease his mind here.


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## 3putt

MattMatt said:


> Which might give her time to make OP out to be a loony troublemaker.:scratchhead:


I tend to agree with you. If she had physical proof, then I would say give her a choice.


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## MattMatt

ariel_angel77 said:


> I have been questioning my friendship with her for a while. A little background info...I met her through my H, who was good friends with her in high school. Upon me becoming friends with her, she told me she was separated from her H and that she was pregnant with this child and that I'm the first person she has told. A little later, she told me that she had slept with these men. Then she complained about her H chatting with a woman and the woman writing "I love you!" in a friendly manner on his wall and him discussing marital problems with the woman. That told me she expected him to remain faithful.
> 
> So, she didn't tell anyone (except me, her H, and one other friend) that she was pregnant. She told her H's family at 7 months pregnant, then let her own parents figure it out on their own a month before her due date (she had a very small baby and wore baggy clothes). That put up a red flag for me.
> 
> Then, when my H and I were having problems, I talked to her about them. Instead of her saying "Oh, he's treating you bad, you shouldn't put up with that" she said "he's white trash. His family is white trash. Nobody in high school liked him and he wasn't popular at all. So you shouldn't be with him." I thought that was very odd.
> 
> Anyway, she has lied to me on a few occasions about dumb things, ignored me on several occasions, things like that which made me wonder.


And how come she was his good friend through high School, then? She isn't making sense.:scratchhead:


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## MattMatt

ariel_angel77 said:


> Okay, so I should tell him.
> How should I tell him? We don't hang out alone and I don't see him unless I'm with my friend. We go to the same college and won't be having classes again for another two months. He comes to the computer lab sometimes, should I tell him to meet me at the computer lab? I don't want to text him and ask him to meet up with me, then for him to say "W, your friend wants to meet up with me in secret and it's really weird." He's very faithful to her.


Tell him you want to arrange a surprise for her? :scratchhead:


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## thatbpguy

ariel_angel77 said:


> He believes that he is the only man she has ever been with. When they separated temporarily for a couple of months, she slept with 5 other guys and conceived a child. Her husband believes it is his child. She tells me it could be one of the other men's child but she thinks it is her husband's because shes says the child looks like him. I know that her husband is suspicious because she told me he has asked her if their two children are his. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and thought "well maybe she'll end up telling him" but it's been a year and she still hasn't told him, and she says she never plans on telling him that she slept with these other men because it's not a big deal to her.
> I've just been feeling really guilty for not telling him. He's also my friend and he has been so nice to me. A large part of me says it's none of my business. But another part says that if it were me, I would want to know.
> What do you guys think?


My bottom line advce:

Tell her to tell him or you will. Friendship is one thing. Being "wing woman" for this kind of a betrayal is another.


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## 3putt

MattMatt said:


> Tell him you want to arrange a surprise for her? :scratchhead:


That would be an understatement. It also wouldn't be lying either.


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## Q tip

Perhaps you can give him the link to this thread. 

Something tells me he can benefit from the collective wisdom of the TAM members...


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## GusPolinski

ariel_angel77 said:


> OpenEnded said:
> 
> 
> 
> 3 questions you need to answer for yourself:
> 
> 1. How valuable is this friendship for you with a person capable of such level of deceit?
> 
> 2. How important is your moral and ethical cleanliness?
> 
> 3. How those two before compare?
> 
> 
> 
> I have been questioning my friendship with her for a while. A little background info...I met her through my H, who was good friends with her in high school. Upon me becoming friends with her, she told me she was separated from her H and that she was pregnant with this child and that I'm the first person she has told. A little later, she told me that she had slept with these men. Then she complained about her H chatting with a woman and the woman writing "I love you!" in a friendly manner on his wall and him discussing marital problems with the woman. That told me she expected him to remain faithful.
> 
> So, she didn't tell anyone (except me, her H, and one other friend) that she was pregnant. She told her H's family at 7 months pregnant, then let her own parents figure it out on their own a month before her due date (she had a very small baby and wore baggy clothes). That put up a red flag for me.
> 
> Then, when my H and I were having problems, I talked to her about them. Instead of her saying "Oh, he's treating you bad, you shouldn't put up with that" she said "he's white trash. His family is white trash. Nobody in high school liked him and he wasn't popular at all. So you shouldn't be with him." I thought that was very odd.
> 
> Anyway, she has lied to me on a few occasions about dumb things, ignored me on several occasions, things like that which made me wonder.
Click to expand...

Yes, because real life is just like high school. LOL.

Honestly, you should probably be more concerned with the notion that your husband was one of the five. Sorry, I don't mean to be flippant or insensitive.

Seriously, though, tell her husband what's up and then cut this toxic b*tch out of your life.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## GusPolinski

MattMatt said:


> 3putt said:
> 
> 
> 
> What I would do is give her a week to tell her BH the truth, and let her know that if she doesn't, then you will.
> 
> 
> 
> Which might give her time to make OP out to be a loony troublemaker.
Click to expand...

Ever watch Game of Thrones? Think Eddard "Ned" Stark.

Don't say a damn thing to her. Just tell her husband.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## doubletrouble

I like the note from another town thing. Good idea. 

Then ditch your friend after the flames start to be about 12 feet high. But if you want to cover your tracks, wait a little before you distance yourself, lest she think you're the snitch. Which you are, but it sounds like you don't want to be, or don't want to be found out. 

Thus my advice to you, based on your input.


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## Q tip

If you can't meet or talk, perhaps a gentle email and the link to this thread...

Who cares about being a snitch, that will be the last of her concerns... The guilty will always blame the innocent. It's called blameshifting.


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## barbados

1) Tell him asap !

2) Time to find a new friend !


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## tom67

Q tip said:


> If you can't meet or talk, perhaps a gentle email and the link to this thread...
> 
> Who cares about being a snitch, that will be the last of her concerns... The guilty will always blame the innocent. It's called blameshifting.


You don't need a friend like this.
How about if your h tells him?


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## bfree

She's calling your husband white trash? She should look in the mirror. Tell her husband asap and then tell him you are ending your friendship with her over it.


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## WyshIknew

If you want to do it in secrecy and hide your identity the main problem might be that you are the only one she has told.

If so, what about writing him a letter as one of the OM?

"I'm very sorry, blah blah can't live with what I did thought it only right that you should know."


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## OpenEnded

GusPolinski said:


> Honestly, you should probably be more concerned with the notion that your husband was one of the five.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


I was afraid to say it. In her other topic she was telling how her husband was trying to warm her for the idea of him and other women. Could be that he is the father of "friend"'s child and he's now afraid that sooner or later the truth will come out. 
Maybe there were no 5 men but just one - OP's husband. and whole story is smokescreen to create plausible deniability. 

Pfff with liars is all conspiracy theories, fuzzy logic and gambling on the most probable cause.


My advice is to ditch MC and start IC for yourself to figure out how do those liars come into your life.


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## Hardtohandle

Crazy question, you and your husband weren't having troubles around the sametime were you ? Even if it were months later.. 

You sure she is not doing some reverse psychology on you and maybe, just maybe your hubby ended up being one of those 5 guys ? 

Sorry just the trust no one mentality of mine creeping out.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Hardtohandle said:


> Crazy question, you and your husband weren't having troubles around the sametime were you ?





> I'm sorry if I'm posting in the wrong place, I'm new here, but I just wanted a man's POV on this.
> *
> H has been emotionally abusive to me for a while now and had a bad lying problem*, so we went to marriage counseling. It has been helping some but I just couldn't take his emotional abuse so I left. One of the things he told me was "You can have a guilt free pass because I trust you. Just come back as the woman I loved." Well, I wasn't strong enough to go through with it. I called him back three hours later and called it off. We were fine and went to marriage counseling and things seemed better. He agreed to work on things and said he hadn't lied in a while. Well, that night he started getting emotionally abusive and I told him that I wasn't going to put up with it. He apologized that night and the next morning.
> 
> *When he came home from work, he was like "if you're unhappy, we can separate."* Then he told me his grievances with me, which was that I was too sensitive, I didn't clean enough, that *I'm* mentally abusive, and that I'm only with him for his money (he's talking about him being the only one who works). I told him the reason I didn't clean as much is because I take care of our 10 month old daughter, and that I could not agree to change the last two since they are false. He said "Okay then we can't work things out" and* we separated. THEN he told me I could date other men if I wanted. He said he wouldn't be dating, just working.*


I'd be telling the Husband about his cheating wife, then I'd be asking her if it could be your husband's child if I were you.


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## Q tip

Hardtohandle said:


> Crazy question, you and your husband weren't having troubles around the sametime were you ? Even if it were months later..
> 
> You sure she is not doing some reverse psychology on you and maybe, just maybe your hubby ended up being one of those 5 guys ?
> 
> Sorry just the trust no one mentality of mine creeping out.


Oh dear...


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## tom67

Q tip said:


> Oh dear...


Holy crap.


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## MattMatt

Hardtohandle said:


> Crazy question, you and your husband weren't having troubles around the sametime were you ? Even if it were months later..
> 
> You sure she is not doing some reverse psychology on you and maybe, just maybe your hubby ended up being one of those 5 guys ?
> 
> Sorry just the trust no one mentality of mine creeping out.


That might be why she is badmouthing him to you? To misdirect you?

I really do hope this isn't the case.


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## workindad

So he has a 1 in 6 chance of being the dad. I guess the thought of using a condom with her multiple partners just seemed silly at the time...

You absolutely tell him.

If you give her a chance to do it. She will make you look like as big a fool as possible as she tries to divert attention from her actions. 

Just tell him. I'd want to know. I would expect he would as well. It is his decision from there. 

Oh- find a new friend. If she'll do this to her husband and children- you can bet the bank that she'll screw you over without so much as a second thought if she had anything to gain. This is not a person you want in your life.

Good luck
WD


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## 6301

ariel_angel77 said:


> Okay, so I should tell him.
> How should I tell him? We don't hang out alone and I don't see him unless I'm with my friend. We go to the same college and won't be having classes again for another two months. He comes to the computer lab sometimes, should I tell him to meet me at the computer lab? I don't want to text him and ask him to meet up with me, then for him to say "W, your friend wants to meet up with me in secret and it's really weird." He's very faithful to her.


 Maybe what you should do since he already suspicious is suggest that he buy one of those DNA kits and he can get a sample and send it in. Might cost him a few bucks but at least he'll have his answer and being that you just made a suggestion, no one can say you told him.

I know what it's like to be drawn in and marry someone because their pregnant and find out AFTER THE MARRIAGE that it isn't yours.

I only wish someone would have told me rather than going through what I had to endure. It's a real cheap, underhanded thing to do to someone and to make matters worse, he already bonded with his children and they know him as Dad. She not only stabbed him in the back but she stabbed her own children in their backs too. Real fair huh?

IMO, she doesn't deserve a fair shot with you and she's going to make you look bad also.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

It's not really your business. It's their marriage. 

You know the old saying about shooting the messenger. It would be nasty. She will accuse you of wanting her husband (do you?) He will accuse you of keeping her secret for a year. Both of them will be upset at you, when they should be upset with themselves. Apparently they were already having problems. Your friend is some kind of nutcase having unprotected sex with that many guys during a separation. Collateral children is the least of their worries. In any case, his name is on the birth certificate, they are married. Unless they are wealthy good luck putting the kid back even with paperwork. She would have to co-parent with one of her sex partners. How will that be helpful in their marriage? They are toast one way or the other. Let chips fall where they may.


----------



## Just Joe

Just call him on the phone and tell him. Get right to the point, write down an outline of what you want to say, the way you described it in your post is fine.

It's the right thing to do.

Somebody gets struck by a hit-and-run driver and you're the only one around, do you call the police or say "it's none of my business."

I never understood "it's none of my business." 

Isn't that just an expression people use to keep from doing the right thing? 

Who gets to decide who's business it is?


----------



## kenmoore14217

Tell her H that his wife slept w/ your H. Kill two birds w/ one stone. Perfect!


----------



## GusPolinski

All of this...



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It's not really your business. It's their marriage.
> 
> You know the old saying about shooting the messenger. It would be nasty. She will accuse you of wanting her husband (do you?) He will accuse you of keeping her secret for a year. Both of them will be upset at you, when they should be upset with themselves. Apparently they were already having problems. Your friend is some kind of nutcase having unprotected sex with that many guys during a separation. Collateral children is the least of their worries. In any case, his name is on the birth certificate, they are married. Unless they are wealthy good luck putting the kid back even with paperwork. She would have to co-parent with one of her sex partners. How will that be helpful in their marriage? They are toast one way or the other. Let chips fall where they may.


...is effectively addressed w/ this...



GusPolinski said:


> Yes, because real life is just like high school. LOL.
> 
> Honestly, you should probably be more concerned with the notion that your husband was one of the five. Sorry, I don't mean to be flippant or insensitive.
> 
> *Seriously, though, tell her husband what's up and then cut this toxic b*tch out of your life.*


Seriously, tell the guy. He may be pissed w/ you for a while but *so f*cking what?* I can promise you that he'll eventually get over any anger that he initially feels toward you. And actually, it probably won't even take him that long. In the end you'll have saved him a lifetime wasted loving, raising, and providing for another man's child. And if not, then at least he's been given the information that he needs in order _to make an informed decision_ about where his time, money, and love would be best spent.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

I guess I was raised differently than some people. She spoke on her marriage and inserted her friend into the problem, it is now her business as well. If I tell people my business, I shouldn't get mad when it ends up in the street.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It's not really your business. It's their marriage.
> 
> You know the old saying about shooting the messenger. It would be nasty. She will accuse you of wanting her husband (do you?) He will accuse you of keeping her secret for a year. Both of them will be upset at you, when they should be upset with themselves. Apparently they were already having problems. Your friend is some kind of nutcase having unprotected sex with that many guys during a separation. Collateral children is the least of their worries. In any case, his name is on the birth certificate, they are married. Unless they are wealthy good luck putting the kid back even with paperwork. She would have to co-parent with one of her sex partners. How will that be helpful in their marriage? They are toast one way or the other. Let chips fall where they may.


Wow. OP Do all of this as suggested, except the exact opposite.

Yes you tell him. To hell with the friendships who wants them as friends anyway. And really she isn't even that good a friend- you met her through your husband when she was separated a year or so ago. Still in college? You can find new friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## m0nk

I would feel morally obligated to tell..but she also deserves to know you're going to tell. This gives her a chance to do the right thing by her kids and by him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski

m0nk said:


> I would feel morally obligated to tell..but she also deserves to know you're going to tell. *This gives her a chance to do the right thing by her kids and by him.*


She's had a ton of chances... well over a year's worth of them.

OP, if you're going to call him, make sure that you write down everything that you have to say so that you can stay on point. Consider following up w/ an e-mail as well.


----------



## Rugs

The messenger will "get shot" but who cares. 

It sounds like you don't like her very much and you will be doing the father and child a huge favor. 

I sure would want someone to tell me.

He may not believe you at first and they both May bond together and turn against you but you will get him thinking. I would also send him here to TAM/ CWI.


----------



## ariel_angel77

OMG. So. I just found out he is going to be taking summer classes starting Tuesday of next week. I live on campus in the apartments. This is perfect.

So...should I just text him one day when he goes to school and be like..."Hey, will you meet me in the library after you get out of class? I had to talk to you about something." Should I tell him it's school-related or his W related? 

Also...regarding my husband...he might be cheating, not sure about him cheating with her though. Someone on here asked if her and her H separated while me and mine were having issues. We have always had issues, lol. He's always been doing something behind my back. They hate each other now though, for some reason. It kinda started while me and her became friends. It's weird. They seemed like super good friends before. She always commented on his stuff asking about our baby. Now, she tells me that she was just interested in me. Which is WEIRD because we weren't even that good of friends (I attended their school during middle school then moved.) In fact, it was the first time we met up that she told me she was pregnant and she hadn't told anyone else, not her own parents or best friend. What the freak is up with that? She said she trusted me all of a sudden. Well, fast forward about six months into our friendship, H and I started having really bad troubles and my friend is like "Look, I know he is cheating on you. It's obvious." I ended up telling H she said that to see if it was true and he got SUPER pissed. Really, really pissed. He's hated her ever since. I mean HATED her. It fueled the fire more when I told him she said he wasn't that popular in high school and nobody liked him. He always says that he would love to just reveal to her H himself that she cheated. He's always ripping at her for cheating on him too. They really hate each other now.

I'm not sure what happened.


----------



## turnera

Yes, you should.


----------



## GusPolinski

turnera said:


> Yes, you should.


:iagree:

Also, you and your husband live on campus? With a baby?


----------



## ariel_angel77

Yes, they have family housing. They're just like townhouses.


----------



## ariel_angel77

Also, to add to what I said before, H is always worried/upset when I tell him I'm going to her house. He doesn't like it at all. He wants me to end my friendship with her. Now that I write all of this out...it makes me feel like something did happen...she was super nice to me to get to my H....something happened....she told me because he ended it or something like that but didn't say it was her so i would stay her friend...but still thinks i should leave him....he's always worried when i go over there and wants me to end the friendship because he's afraid I'll find out that it's true and that it was her.

Am I being overly paranoid?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

m0nk said:


> I would feel morally obligated to tell..but she also deserves to know you're going to tell. This gives her a chance to do the right thing by her kids and by him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Deserve? No, not in my opinion. She can be warned, "either you speak up or I do."


----------



## GusPolinski

ariel_angel77 said:


> Am I being overly paranoid?


Hmm... Hard to say. Either way, I wouldn't be surprised if, once you tell her husband that a) she cheated (a lot!) and b) the kid likely isn't his, he winds up having something to say to you about your husband as well.


----------



## 3putt

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm... Hard to say. Either way, I wouldn't be surprised if, once you tell her husband that a) she cheated (a lot!) and b) the kid likely isn't his, he winds up having something to say to you about your husband as well.


Either way, a whole lot of truth gets exposed for what it is.


----------



## ariel_angel77

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm... Hard to say. Either way, I wouldn't be surprised if, once you tell her husband that a) she cheated (a lot!) and b) the kid likely isn't his, he winds up having something to say to you about your husband as well.


So you think this is going to be a nasty interaction?


----------



## GusPolinski

ariel_angel77 said:


> So you think this is going to be a nasty interaction?


No, not necessarily. Sorry, that's not what I meant to imply.

You mentioned that your husband doesn't care for the idea of you spending time at your friends' house. Maybe that's because one (or both) of them is "in the know" w/ respect to what you currently only suspect to be your husband's extramarital activities. Either way, go ahead and put together a plan to meet w/ this guy and let him know what you know. 

Now, he may very well react negatively, and he might even be upset w/ you... initially. But, like I said, that will pass. And if he happens to know anything about your husband's activities (either w/ his wife or w/ someone else), he'll be all the more likely to tell you what he knows.


----------



## murphy5

workindad said:


> So he has a 1 in 6 chance of being the dad. I guess the thought of using a condom with her multiple partners just seemed silly at the time...


well those condom things are SO EXPENSIVE! Don't want to waste one!


----------



## NextTimeAround

ariel_angel77 said:


> I have been questioning my friendship with her for a while. A little background info..*.I met her through my H, who was good friends with her in high school. *
> 
> Upon me becoming friends with her, she told me she was separated from her H and that she was pregnant with this child and that I'm the first person she has told. A little later, she told me that she had slept with these men. Then she complained about her H chatting with a woman and the woman writing "I love you!" in a friendly manner on his wall and him discussing marital problems with the woman. That told me she expected him to remain faithful.
> 
> *Then, when my H and I were having problems, I talked to her about them. Instead of her saying "Oh, he's treating you bad, you shouldn't put up with that" she said "he's white trash. His family is white trash. Nobody in high school liked him and he wasn't popular at all. So you shouldn't be with him." I thought that was very odd.*
> 
> Anyway, she has lied to me on a few occasions about dumb things, ignored me on several occasions, things like that which made me wonder.


I always wonder how soulless people are capable of seducing others into friendships. And as in this case, from the husband's pov, a GOOD friendship.


----------



## EleGirl

GusPolinski said:


> Yes, because real life is just like high school. LOL.
> 
> Honestly, you should probably be more concerned with the notion that your husband was one of the five. Sorry, I don't mean to be flippant or insensitive.


Yep, this is what I was thinking.

The OP met this woman through her husband.... during the time that she was separated from her husband. I'd be wondering why my husband so friendly with her, especially at such a time in her life.



GusPolinski said:


> Seriously, though, tell her husband what's up and then cut this toxic b*tch out of your life.


Yep


----------



## EleGirl

ariel_angel77 said:


> So you think this is going to be a nasty interaction?


Do you know why they separated? Her husband was online/chatting with other women during the separation. Was he doing this before the separation? Has she talked about that? I'm not even suggesting that this excuses what she's done. I'm just trying to get the big picture.

Most likely, if you tell him, he will drop you as a friend for a few reasons. 

1) He'll be embarrassed. 

2) He'll be hurt and pissed off that you and your husband have known for a long time and not told him. Most people who are cheated on drop all "friends" who knew about the affair and did nothing. I know I did. It's been 15 years and I will not talk to any of them. Who needs friends like that.

3) He has even an inkling of thought about still being friends with you and your husband, she will poison him against you. How many people do you think she has told about this? You might be the only one. If the child turns out to be his... there no way to prove that she slept with anyone. So you turn into a back stabbing *****. He might very well protect her from the evil you... unless of course she breaks down and tells the truth.

Now the question is, should you tell? You have no evidence, only what she had told you. You can tell him. Probably the best thing you can do is to encourage him to DNA test the children as she talks to you about a lot of cheating that she did when she was separated. That is really all you can do.

4) f your husband was one of the 5, then you will definitely find out when you tell. If her husband does not know. She will tell to hurt you. I don't know why but I get the gut feeling that there is a high probably that he is. Her lashing out about how he's white trash means that she's pretty angry at him for something. Just saying.

If it were me, I'd tell him and let the chips fall where they may. You are going to lose her as a friend anyway unless you like people how have no morals. When you lose her as a friend you will lose him as a friend. So do what is right and move on with your life.


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## Dyokemm

"Of course, there will be repercussions. But then again, there are always repercussions for doing the right thing."

Very true.

I think its odd though that people only consider 'repercussions' to be associated with telling the truth.

I consider not telling to have 'repercussions' too...being in that you are playing a role in forcing an innocent person to live a lie and participating in deceiving him/her.


----------



## entrada

ariel_angel77 said:


> Also, to add to what I said before, H is always worried/upset when I tell him I'm going to her house. He doesn't like it at all. He wants me to end my friendship with her. Now that I write all of this out...it makes me feel like something did happen...she was super nice to me to get to my H....something happened....she told me because he ended it or something like that but didn't say it was her so i would stay her friend...but still thinks i should leave him....he's always worried when i go over there and wants me to end the friendship because he's afraid I'll find out that it's true and that it was her.
> 
> Am I being overly paranoid?


I don't know how possible it is for you to secretly DNA her child/children to ascertain if your husband isn't the father of any. If it is possible, I suggest you do so before considering your next step.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PhillyGuy13

entrada said:


> I don't know how possible it is for you to secretly DNA her child/children to ascertain if your husband isn't the father of any. If it is possible, I suggest you do so before considering your next step.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Those kits aren't cheap and that's not up to her anyway. Give the information to the husband. I agree with EleGirl above- once the truth comes out, expect other dominos to start to fall in regard to your own husband's activities.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TheFlood117

ariel_angel77 said:


> He believes that he is the only man she has ever been with. When they separated temporarily for a couple of months, she slept with 5 other guys and conceived a child. Her husband believes it is his child. She tells me it could be one of the other men's child but she thinks it is her husband's because shes says the child looks like him. I know that her husband is suspicious because she told me he has asked her if their two children are his. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and thought "well maybe she'll end up telling him" but it's been a year and she still hasn't told him, and she says she never plans on telling him that she slept with these other men because it's not a big deal to her.
> I've just been feeling really guilty for not telling him. He's also my friend and he has been so nice to me. A large part of me says it's none of my business. But another part says that if it were me, I would want to know.
> What do you guys think?


Yes tell him. Right now. Absolutely. He is raising, supporting and fathering a child that isn't his. And his wife is a ho. 

"Can't turn a ho into a housewife".

Truer words have never been written. 

Tell him. He deserves to know, so he can plan an exit strategy. 

Tell him. Please.


----------



## Jeffery

TheFlood117 said:


> Yes tell him. Right now. Absolutely. He is raising, supporting and fathering a child that isn't his. And his wife is a ho.
> 
> "Can't turn a ho into a housewife".
> 
> Truer words have never been written.
> 
> Tell him. He deserves to know, so he can plan an exit strategy.
> 
> Tell him. Please.


so true, so true. 

Just tell him and you just might out something about your husband.Just be prepared for the fall out.Best of luck


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## doubletrouble

Geez this could be your whole world crashing down, or we're paranoid along with you. I pray the right things happen for you.


----------



## workindad

If your husband is 1 of the 5, which is possible but seems like a stretch, you will find out for sure by outing her. That is a bonus from my perspective. 

Maybe your h is 1 of the 5. Maybe something happened in highschool between them and you don't know the details. Either way if your h really does know her maybe he knows she is a toxic friend and that could also be why he wants your friendship with her to end. 

Either way she doesn't sound like a quality person that is worth your time and investment to continue the friendship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ariel_angel77

EleGirl said:


> Do you know why they separated? Her husband was online/chatting with other women during the separation. Was he doing this before the separation? Has she talked about that? I'm not even suggesting that this excuses what she's done. I'm just trying to get the big picture.
> 
> Most likely, if you tell him, he will drop you as a friend for a few reasons.
> 
> 1) He'll be embarrassed.
> 
> 2) He'll be hurt and pissed off that you and your husband have known for a long time and not told him. Most people who are cheated on drop all "friends" who knew about the affair and did nothing. I know I did. It's been 15 years and I will not talk to any of them. Who needs friends like that.
> 
> 3) He has even an inkling of thought about still being friends with you and your husband, she will poison him against you. How many people do you think she has told about this? You might be the only one. If the child turns out to be his... there no way to prove that she slept with anyone. So you turn into a back stabbing *****. He might very well protect her from the evil you... unless of course she breaks down and tells the truth.
> 
> Now the question is, should you tell? You have no evidence, only what she had told you. You can tell him. Probably the best thing you can do is to encourage him to DNA test the children as she talks to you about a lot of cheating that she did when she was separated. That is really all you can do.
> 
> 4) f your husband was one of the 5, then you will definitely find out when you tell. If her husband does not know. She will tell to hurt you. I don't know why but I get the gut feeling that there is a high probably that he is. Her lashing out about how he's white trash means that she's pretty angry at him for something. Just saying.
> 
> If it were me, I'd tell him and let the chips fall where they may. You are going to lose her as a friend anyway unless you like people how have no morals. When you lose her as a friend you will lose him as a friend. So do what is right and move on with your life.


They separated because of their own marital issues, nothing to do with him talking to other women online. Also, it is her other best friend who also knows, the one who was her best friend when this was happening. In fact, the best friend told me that the baby is probably not his. At the time my loyalties were to my friend (I didn't know any better at the time) and I asked her about this. She just got super pissed at her friend. She even told her H about it, but said it was a total made up lie. I think he is starting to doubt that it was a total lie since he asked two weeks ago if the children are his.

To add, I must say I'm confused. You're saying I should tell him, yet you're talking about how awful things are going to be for me when I do tell him. Also, is it really fair to say that he's going to be upset I didn't tell him sooner and because of that never talk to me again? Why isn't it enough that I'm telling him now? I'll explain that I thought his W would end up telling him, but she never did and I felt that I had no choice but to tell him. And anyway, he only asked her if the children are his about two weeks ago.

Also, I totally agree with you saying that once I do tell him, the truth is going to come out all around. Thank you for pointing that out. That's what I've been waiting for, for a long time. The TRUTH. :/


----------



## ariel_angel77

GusPolinski said:


> No, not necessarily. Sorry, that's not what I meant to imply.
> 
> You mentioned that your husband doesn't care for the idea of you spending time at your friends' house. Maybe that's because one (or both) of them is "in the know" w/ respect to what you currently only suspect to be your husband's extramarital activities. Either way, go ahead and put together a plan to meet w/ this guy and let him know what you know.
> 
> Now, he may very well react negatively, and he might even be upset w/ you... initially. But, like I said, that will pass. And if he happens to know anything about your husband's activities (either w/ his wife or w/ someone else), he'll be all the more likely to tell you what he knows.


Okay, I understand.  and I agree.

Honestly, he's a really cool guy. He's always been really friendly with me. His W even told me that I'm the first friend of hers (out of a LOT) that he has even talked to, much less been friendly with. I'll tell her about on our way between classes, him flagging me down to talk to me. She'll be like "That's weird, that's not like him to flag someone down. He's really quiet." He even offered one time to wait for me after class. He just seems to really like me. And I'm not saying he likes me like THAT...they're always hugging and kissing in front of me, so I doubt that. lol. But I'm pretty much saying that I think the interaction won't be bad. He seems to like me, plus it will show I am not doing this for my own interest since me and her are really "close".

I just feel optimistic about it. But, then again, it is the guy's wife. I guess I'll find out when we talk, lol.


----------



## GusPolinski

ariel_angel77 said:


> And anyway, he only asked her if the children are his about two weeks ago.


How did you find out about this?


----------



## ariel_angel77

GusPolinski said:


> How did you find out about this?


His W/my friend told me.


----------



## ariel_angel77

Also, I edited that post because there was something else I had forgotten to add.


----------



## OpenEnded

ariel_angel77 said:


> Also, I edited that post because there was something else I had forgotten to add.


Honey, I know you are young but have you considered life with a little bit less drama. You know there are a lot of other less selfish people with different hobbies and higher moral values ? 

This whole story smells like cheap soap opera. It's full of deceit ... main characters are manipulative liars who hate and offend each other behind their backs.

I always thought college should be great experience where you meet smart people who have common goals (like to make this world better place) and become friends.

Apologies if the above sounded offensive to you. 

Bottom line : you deserve better friends and happier life.


----------



## turnera

I've watched my DD23 evolve after leaving high school. She moved away to university. She changed...a LOT. None of her friends stayed gone longer than one year (and that was only one; two stayed gone a semester; none of the others even left our little community). 

She tells me everything about everything and it's been fascinating to watch all these people. Five years later, she is leagues ahead of all of them in terms of maturity, seeing a bigger picture, seeing there are options out there, seeing you don't have to do what other people say or act like other people act...it's just a whole different world. We talk a lot about friendships, when to give them up, when to stay in them, how high school friends were just friends of convenience (or being stuck in the same place) and how once you're out of high school/college, you can start making new paths and new friends.

Even now, there's still a lot of immaturity, her included, five years after high school. It's a process. Hopefully, people will open their eyes enough to see they can make new, better choices and not be stuck acting like a high schooler. You coming here says you probably will. They probably won't.


----------



## vellocet

ariel_angel77 said:


> Honestly, he's a really cool guy.


Well hopefully you will be successful in saving this really cool guy's life.


----------



## convert

I would let him know but anonymously, some how some way


----------



## murphy5

convert said:


> I would let him know but anonymously, some how some way


hire a biplane to do sky-writing over his house?


----------



## ariel_angel77

norajane said:


> Ariel, I think you probably need to clean up your own side of the street before becoming obsessed with other people's marriages and mistakes.
> 
> I agree this man should be told about his wife's cheating and possibly not being the father of his child, but why are you so worried about this other couple while you just "lol we have always had issues my husband could be cheating lol" about your own issues?
> 
> I don't understand it. I especially don't understand how you can lol about your own husband's cheating.


I am *NOT* loling about my husband's cheating. My husband has not cheated on me, to my knowledge. If he did, I would be extremely upset. You don't know how I feel. We've had so many petty problems, that I have to laugh at them or I would go crazy because they happen so much. And um, "obsessed"? I just care about this guy and am genuinely wondering if it's the right thing to tell him or not. I have given information as it was asked or required of me.

If you think I'm so immature, then why respond to me again?


----------



## ariel_angel77

I understand I'm just an immature little girl to some of you, but I'm just 20 and am trying to figure out what to do about this situation. I am young, I don't have much experience in life, and I just wanted to know from older adults' perspectives, who have been cheated on or have been married for a long time.

If you think I'm immature, then that's fine, you don't have to respond because you're wasting my time and yours. If you would like to and have given me constructive advice and your opinion on what I HAVE asked about, then I really, really appreciate it. I really do. Some of you guys have been so nice and supportive and that means so much to me.


----------



## harrybrown

Please please tell him.

I will be married 40 years this summer.

for the first 36 years, I thought things were great.

then I found out some things, but my wife denies, denies, denies.

It has made me feel like the whole marriage is a farce.

Please tell him, please. Write him a letter, or send an letter to his work.


----------



## helolover

This is parenting fraud. FRAUD.

Men want to know the children they are raising and giving their resources to are theirs. It matters. 

As a man, I would want to know. He probably senses it already. 

Fathers and Kids: Parenting Fraud | Men's Health


----------



## ariel_angel77

Oh whoops, forgot to add. For those of you who wanted an update. I texted him today and asked if he was going to be on campus at the library this week. He said he wasn't sure and I told him I needed him for something but it was no biggie if he couldn't be there. He said "You sure? I probably have to come to campus this week." I said "Okay. Text me when you come and I'll meet you there."

I'm very, very, very nervous. I'm afraid I'll word it wrong.


----------



## MattMatt

ariel_angel77 said:


> I understand I'm just an immature little girl to some of you, but I'm just 20 and am trying to figure out what to do about this situation. I am young, I don't have much experience in life, and I just wanted to know from older adults' perspectives, who have been cheated on or have been married for a long time.
> 
> If you think I'm immature, then that's fine, you don't have to respond because you're wasting my time and yours. If you would like to and have given me constructive advice and your opinion on what I HAVE asked about, then I really, really appreciate it. I really do. Some of you guys have been so nice and supportive and that means so much to me.


You are more mature than some people of twice your age, so don't worry about that.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

There is no easy way to word it, so just tell him best you can. 
He may deny, yell, swear, accuse you of bring a liar, or hopefully, accept what you say. He will be angry, anyone would be. Your job is to give him the information, what he does with that is up to him.

Then step back from the drama. Focus on your family, and your studies. Don't let their problems interfere with your classes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski

helolover said:


> This is parenting fraud. FRAUD.
> 
> Men want to know the children they are raising and giving their resources to are theirs. It matters.
> 
> As a man, I would want to know. He probably senses it already.
> 
> Fathers and Kids: Parenting Fraud | Men's Health


I wish that I could do more to support this post than simply clicking "Like". But, since that's all that any of us can do, it deserves about 100,000 of them.


----------



## Wolf9

GusPolinski said:


> I wish that I could do more to support this post than simply clicking "Like". But, since that's all that any of us can do, it deserves about 100,000 of them.



Imagine if it happened to Chinese man with one child state policy. Total wastage of resources raising OM's child without having any idea or other option.


----------



## norajane

ariel_angel77 said:


> I am *NOT* loling about my husband's cheating. My husband has not cheated on me, to my knowledge. If he did, I would be extremely upset. You don't know how I feel. We've had so many petty problems, that I have to laugh at them or I would go crazy because they happen so much. And um, "obsessed"? I just care about this guy and am genuinely wondering if it's the right thing to tell him or not. I have given information as it was asked or required of me.
> 
> If you think I'm so immature, then why respond to me again?


Ariel, I deleted my post since it offended you so much. 

However, I did not call you immature - you brought that word into it.

And I specifically and directly quoted you and your words, including your "lol" about your marital issues. I didn't not make that up. 

I will quote it again here, and yes, it sounds light-hearted about your husband cheating and your marriage issues. Yet you are so agitated about your friend's marriage. It genuinely makes no sense to me. 



ariel_angel77 said:


> OMG. So. I just found out he is going to be taking summer classes starting Tuesday of next week. I live on campus in the apartments. This is perfect.
> 
> So...should I just text him one day when he goes to school and be like..."Hey, will you meet me in the library after you get out of class? I had to talk to you about something." Should I tell him it's school-related or his W related?
> 
> *Also...regarding my husband...he might be cheating, not sure about him cheating with her though. *Someone on here asked if her and her H separated while me and mine were having issues. *We have always had issues, lol. He's always been doing something behind my back.* They hate each other now though, for some reason. It kinda started while me and her became friends. It's weird. They seemed like super good friends before. She always commented on his stuff asking about our baby. Now, she tells me that she was just interested in me. Which is WEIRD because we weren't even that good of friends (I attended their school during middle school then moved.) In fact, it was the first time we met up that she told me she was pregnant and she hadn't told anyone else, not her own parents or best friend. What the freak is up with that? She said she trusted me all of a sudden. Well, fast forward about six months into our friendship, H and I started having really bad troubles and my friend is like "Look, I know he is cheating on you. It's obvious." I ended up telling H she said that to see if it was true and he got SUPER pissed. Really, really pissed. He's hated her ever since. I mean HATED her. It fueled the fire more when I told him she said he wasn't that popular in high school and nobody liked him. He always says that he would love to just reveal to her H himself that she cheated. He's always ripping at her for cheating on him too. They really hate each other now.
> 
> I'm not sure what happened.


----------



## just got it 55

staystrong said:


> What a mess.
> 
> He needs to do a paternity test.
> 
> It will open up a can of worms even if it's positive.
> 
> Whether you tell him or give your friend an ultimatum, be prepared to lose the friendship.


There is no better healer 

No better way to gain control of your emotions 

No better way to deal logically with any situation

No better way to know your next move

Than having and knowing the truth.

"The Truth will always be"

55


----------



## just got it 55

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm... Hard to say. Either way, I wouldn't be surprised if, once you tell her husband that a) she cheated (a lot!) and b) the kid likely isn't his, he winds up having something to say to you about your husband as well.


Yieks this one's going to get ugly

55


----------



## ariel_angel77

norajane said:


> Ariel, I deleted my post since it offended you so much.
> 
> However, I did not call you immature - you brought that word into it.
> 
> And I specifically and directly quoted you and your words, including your "lol" about your marital issues. I didn't not make that up.
> 
> I will quote it again here, and yes, it sounds light-hearted about your husband cheating and your marriage issues. Yet you are so agitated about your friend's marriage. It genuinely makes no sense to me.


Well, thank you for that. I just sensed that the overall tone of your post was "you are immature". If you genuinely don't understand, then I will try to explain it.

My husband has done me so, so wrong and many occasions. If you only knew how many nights I have spent on the floor, crying and begging him, how many times I almost went over to the kitchen, got a knife, and slit my wrist (I am so sorry for the grotesque image, but just trying to explain better.). How many times I begged myself not to end my life because of the misery he put me in. (For the record, I do not have suicidal thoughts as of now and I am seeing a licensed therapist.) He has killed my self worth, my self esteem, anything positive that was there before.

I cannot afford to care like I used to about what he does to me. I can't afford to feel the way he made me feel. If I involve my emotions in that manner, he will only use them against me. I felt SO strongly about him, so when he hurt me, I wanted to die, and he knew that and used it against me. I can't afford it anymore. It's a defense mechanism. If he says something insulting, I just do not care. In fact, he did it tonight. He knows that my religion means SO much to me, it's #1 in my life. He said tonight "You know, you're not even that religious. You cussed the other week." The way he looked at me and the way he said it was worse than his words. If i did anything other than letting it slide off my back like I didn't care, I wouldn't be able to handle the amount of pain it would cause me.

I'm sorry that I misunderstood your post. Guess I'm so used to people calling me immature.


----------



## ariel_angel77

This could not get more awkward.

Of course this is the time that I go over there to see my friend (to retrieve a few items I left) and they are all lovey dovey and he's constantly hugging and kissing her. Of course today is the day that they both post pictures of them and their little family trip to the park.

This feels so awkward for me, you guys. I don't even know what to do with myself. But just_got_it55 is so right. The truth always prevails. He doesn't deserve to live in her deceit anymore.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Ariel, you don't deserve to be abused, verbally, emotionally or otherwise. I hope your husband is trying to clean up his act.


----------



## norajane

ariel_angel77 said:


> Well, thank you for that. I just sensed that the overall tone of your post was "you are immature". If you genuinely don't understand, then I will try to explain it.
> 
> My husband has done me so, so wrong and many occasions. If you only knew how many nights I have spent on the floor, crying and begging him, how many times I almost went over to the kitchen, got a knife, and slit my wrist (I am so sorry for the grotesque image, but just trying to explain better.). How many times I begged myself not to end my life because of the misery he put me in. (For the record, I do not have suicidal thoughts as of now and I am seeing a licensed therapist.) He has killed my self worth, my self esteem, anything positive that was there before.
> 
> I cannot afford to care like I used to about what he does to me. I can't afford to feel the way he made me feel. If I involve my emotions in that manner, he will only use them against me. I felt SO strongly about him, so when he hurt me, I wanted to die, and he knew that and used it against me. I can't afford it anymore. It's a defense mechanism. If he says something insulting, I just do not care. In fact, he did it tonight. He knows that my religion means SO much to me, it's #1 in my life. He said tonight "You know, you're not even that religious. You cussed the other week." The way he looked at me and the way he said it was worse than his words. If i did anything other than letting it slide off my back like I didn't care, I wouldn't be able to handle the amount of pain it would cause me.
> 
> I'm sorry that I misunderstood your post. Guess I'm so used to people calling me immature.


That sounds pretty awful. Are there any circumstances under which you would ever leave him? Relationships aren't supposed to be like that. You don't have to stay with him for more of this.


----------



## bfree

*Re: Re: Should I tell my friend's husband that she cheated on him?*



ariel_angel77 said:


> I understand I'm just an immature little girl to some of you, but I'm just 20 and am trying to figure out what to do about this situation. I am young, I don't have much experience in life, and I just wanted to know from older adults' perspectives, who have been cheated on or have been married for a long time.
> 
> If you think I'm immature, then that's fine, you don't have to respond because you're wasting my time and yours. If you would like to and have given me constructive advice and your opinion on what I HAVE asked about, then I really, really appreciate it. I really do. Some of you guys have been so nice and supportive and that means so much to me.


I don't think you are immature. The mere fact that you are soliciting opinions shows maturity.


----------



## workindad

I do not know the best way to tell someone. But I would certainly appreciate a direct and concise approach. No beating around the bush. 

Give him tam as a reference.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Will you read a book for me? It's called Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft. It might explain some things.


----------



## EleGirl

ariel_angel77 said:


> They separated because of their own marital issues, nothing to do with him talking to other women online. Also, it is her other best friend who also knows, the one who was her best friend when this was happening. In fact, the best friend told me that the baby is probably not his. At the time my loyalties were to my friend (I didn't know any better at the time) and I asked her about this. She just got super pissed at her friend. She even told her H about it, but said it was a total made up lie. I think he is starting to doubt that it was a total lie since he asked two weeks ago if the children are his.
> 
> To add, I must say I'm confused. You're saying I should tell him, yet you're talking about how awful things are going to be for me when I do tell him. Also, is it really fair to say that he's going to be upset I didn't tell him sooner and because of that never talk to me again? Why isn't it enough that I'm telling him now? I'll explain that I thought his W would end up telling him, but she never did and I felt that I had no choice but to tell him. And anyway, he only asked her if the children are his about two weeks ago.
> 
> Also, I totally agree with you saying that once I do tell him, the truth is going to come out all around. Thank you for pointing that out. That's what I've been waiting for, for a long time. The TRUTH. :/


There is of course a chance that he will not "kill the messenger". I just think that you should be forewarned that things might not go so well. But does it really matter? The reason I say it should not matter is because she is not a person that you should be friends with. She's a toxic person to put it mildly. Her husband is more of a casual friend so losing him as a friend should not really matter either.


----------



## ariel_angel77

norajane said:


> That sounds pretty awful. Are there any circumstances under which you would ever leave him? Relationships aren't supposed to be like that. You don't have to stay with him for more of this.


My religion prevents me from leaving someone unless they leave themselves or cheat. So, I must stay with him until one of the two events occur.


----------



## ariel_angel77

Can I ask a question?

What if the baby is his? What if both children are his? Then, I'm doing this for nothing, right?

I'm going to shoot for meeting up with him tomorrow, but that thought has been kinda making me have doubts about it...like what if the children are his and her doing that when they separated doesn't matter?

Do you guys think it changes anything if the children ARE his?

Sorry...me and my doubts. haha


----------



## OpenEnded

> . If you only knew how many nights I have spent on the floor, crying and begging him,


Has your husband ever physically abused you?


----------



## OpenEnded

ariel_angel77 said:


> Can I ask a question?
> 
> What if the baby is his? What if both chi
> ldren are his? Then, I'm doing this for nothing, right?
> 
> I'm going to shoot for meeting up with him tomorrow, but that thought has been kinda making me have doubts about it...like what if the children are his and her doing that when they separated doesn't matter?
> 
> Do you guys think it changes anything if the children ARE his?
> 
> Sorry...me and my doubts. haha


Be honest. Stick to the facts. 
He will decide what matters for himself.


----------



## EleGirl

ariel_angel77 said:


> Can I ask a question?
> 
> What if the baby is his? What if both children are his? Then, I'm doing this for nothing, right?
> 
> I'm going to shoot for meeting up with him tomorrow, but that thought has been kinda making me have doubts about it...like what if the children are his and her doing that when they separated doesn't matter?
> 
> Do you guys think it changes anything if the children ARE his?
> 
> Sorry...me and my doubts. haha


The thing with this is that you probably don't know what their agreement was during the separation. 

Legally they were married, separated or not. In some states it's adultery until the day the judge signs the final divorce decree. In states that only allow for no-fault filling nothing matters. It all depends.

If you live in a state that allows for filing for divorced based on adultery, he could file that way. It could hurt her a lot in a divorce if he had evidence that she slept with even one guy during the separation.

She could have checked the paternity herself. That might have made a lot of sense for her to do. Then again she probably does not want to deal with reality. Right now she has plausible deniability.

So what do you think is going through his head right now... you called to meet your friend's husband in the library. He asked you if you were sure. That's a bit of an odd way for him to put it. Be careful, he might think that you are hitting on him.


----------



## ariel_angel77

OpenEnded said:


> Has your husband ever physically abused you?


No. I would never put up with that or risk my daughter being put through it as well.


----------



## ariel_angel77

EleGirl said:


> The thing with this is that you probably don't know what their agreement was during the separation.
> 
> Legally they were married, separated or not. In some states it's adultery until the day the judge signs the final divorce decree. In states that only allow for no-fault filling nothing matters. It all depends.
> 
> If you live in a state that allows for filing for divorced based on adultery, he could file that way. It could hurt her a lot in a divorce if he had evidence that she slept with even one guy during the separation.
> 
> She could have checked the paternity herself. That might have made a lot of sense for her to do. Then again she probably does not want to deal with reality. Right now she has plausible deniability.
> 
> So what do you think is going through his head right now... you called to meet your friend's husband in the library. He asked you if you were sure. That's a bit of an odd way for him to put it. Be careful, he might think that you are hitting on him.


In my state, adultery is listed as a reason you can file for divorce. And no, I don't think she checked the paternity. She would have told me. She still doesn't know, she just "thinks" it's her H's because she says "he looks him" according to her.

I'm not sure. Let me send the whole conversation and you can tell me what you think of it.

Me: (his name), are you planning on going to the library sometime this week?
Him: I dunno why
Me: I had thought I needed your help with something but it's no biggie
Him: You sure? I might need to do something on campus this week
Me: Okay. Just text me whatever day you go

I thought it was weird with the "you sure?" thing too. I don't want him to get the wrong idea.


----------



## EleGirl

ariel_angel77 said:


> In my state, adultery is listed as a reason you can file for divorce. And no, I don't think she checked the paternity. She would have told me. She still doesn't know, she just "thinks" it's her H's because she says "he looks him" according to her.
> 
> I'm not sure. Let me send the whole conversation and you can tell me what you think of it.
> 
> Me: (his name), are you planning on going to the library sometime this week?
> Him: I dunno why
> Me: I had thought I needed your help with something but it's no biggie
> Him: You sure? I might need to do something on campus this week
> Me: Okay. Just text me whatever day you go
> 
> I thought it was weird with the "you sure?" thing too. I don't want him to get the wrong idea.


Yea it was the "You Sure?" that got me thinking that he thinks you to hook up with him. This is especially after you have said that he seems to pay a lot of attention to you. It sounds like he likes you.

Be careful. Do not get in a situation where you become his shoulder to cry on or to discuss his marital problems. That is exactly how most affair start. Most people who have affairs do not set out to have them... they sort of slide into them.


----------



## GusPolinski

I wouldn't read too much into his "You sure?" response, but be cautious nonetheless. After all, given that he at least suspects that the kid isn't his, he may not feel too strongly about passing up on what he perceives to be some freely-offered side action.

My thoughts...

* Keep your guard up, and maintain a certain amount of physical space between the two of you. If he moves toward you in a manner w/ which you're not comfortable, throw up your hands (not over your head, but about chest-high, and with elbows bent, and palms outward...think of a "Whoa, back off" gesture) and back up a bit.

* No hugs or "friendly kisses" either before or after you speak w/ him.

* Don't let him stand between you and any exits.

* Make sure that someone else is around... not necessarily within earshot of a whisper, but definitely within earshot of a scream or yell.

And about him possibly being the father? Sounds like there's no more than about 1/6th of a chance of that, depending on the overall timeline w/ respect to each guy that participated in her slorefest.


----------



## EleGirl

Make sure that the meeting is planned for a public part of the library where there area usually other people.


----------



## turnera

Ask him if they had an agreement that they could see someone else during the break. Ask that first. Then decide what to tell him.


----------



## convert

oh man, the messenger always gets shot.
he needs to know but does not have to know it came from you

but if you going to, I like Turnera idea to bring it up


----------



## GusPolinski

turnera said:


> Ask him if they had an agreement that they could see someone else during the break. Ask that first. Then decide what to tell him.


I might use this to sort of "soften the blow", but, given the relatively poor chance that the kid is his, I'd still tell him.


----------



## doubletrouble

ariel_angel77 said:


> In my state, adultery is listed as a reason you can file for divorce. And no, I don't think she checked the paternity. She would have told me. She still doesn't know, she just "thinks" it's her H's because she says "he looks him" according to her.
> 
> I'm not sure. Let me send the whole conversation and you can tell me what you think of it.
> 
> Me: (his name), are you planning on going to the library sometime this week?
> Him: I dunno why
> Me: I had thought I needed your help with something but it's no biggie
> Him: You sure? I might need to do something on campus this week
> Me: Okay. Just text me whatever day you go
> 
> I thought it was weird with the "you sure?" thing too. I don't want him to get the wrong idea.


I read the "You sure?" thing as him asking are you sure you might not need my help. You said you thought you needed his help, but no biggie. He asked if you were sure it was no biggie, as in are you sure you don't need any help. *shrug* 

There are other ways to read it, is all I'm saying. I might have asked the same thing, in the interest of wanting to help you with whatever it was, not necessarily to hit on you.


----------



## sandc

Meet him outside the library and start with "Look, I don't want you to get the wrong idea... there's just some things I think you should know about your wife."


----------



## ariel_angel77

Thank you everyone! Will post again after I meet up with him. Fingers crossed.


----------



## doubletrouble

Good luck. You're doing the right thing, remember that.


----------



## Thor

ariel_angel77 said:


> I understand I'm just an immature little girl to some of you, but I'm just 20 and am trying to figure out what to do about this situation. I am young, I don't have much experience in life, and I just wanted to know from older adults' perspectives, who have been cheated on or have been married for a long time.
> 
> If you think I'm immature, then that's fine, you don't have to respond because you're wasting my time and yours. If you would like to and have given me constructive advice and your opinion on what I HAVE asked about, then I really, really appreciate it. I really do. Some of you guys have been so nice and supportive and that means so much to me.


I have 3 kids in your age group. They get involved in similar dramas with their friends. It isn't immaturity at all. In fact, it is caring and empathetic behavior for you to be concerned about your friend's well being.

Nearly universally the advice from real people is to tell the betrayed about the cheating. Certainly there is a very substantial chance this baby is not his, which is FRAUD of the most venal type as someone else already pointed out.

Shrinks seem to mostly advise not telling. Their theory is it does not enhance your life to tell, and it causes emotional distress in the person you do tell. It seems shrinks believe in the "Fat, Dumb, and Happy" theory.

But betrayed people almost unanimously say they wish someone had told them sooner.


----------



## Thor

ariel_angel77 said:


> My religion prevents me from leaving someone unless they leave themselves or cheat. So, I must stay with him until one of the two events occur.


I would advise you to explore your church doctrine fully, and reflect back on the scriptures it comes from. Doctrine is simply the rules imposed by humans based on the interpretations of some humans of the scriptures.

If you look more fully at the basis of the doctrine, and if you look at the specific words involved, you may find that there is a wider interpretation which is legitimate. For example, the marriage vows include vastly more than not having sex with someone outside the marriage. The vows include love, respect, honor, cherish, to have, to hold, etc. Failing to live up to those parts of the vows is failing to have fidelity to the vows. It is *infidelity.

My experience is that when I dig into things myself and really think about them for myself, either I more strongly understand my original position or I feel confident in having a new different position.*


----------



## sandc

Thor said:


> I would advise you to explore your church doctrine fully, and reflect back on the scriptures it comes from. Doctrine is simply the rules imposed by humans based on the interpretations of some humans of the scriptures.
> 
> If you look more fully at the basis of the doctrine, and if you look at the specific words involved, you may find that there is a wider interpretation which is legitimate. For example, the marriage vows include vastly more than not having sex with someone outside the marriage. The vows include love, respect, honor, cherish, to have, to hold, etc. Failing to live up to those parts of the vows is failing to have fidelity to the vows. It is *infidelity.
> 
> My experience is that when I dig into things myself and really think about them for myself, either I more strongly understand my original position or I feel confident in having a new different position.*


*

She's quoting Christ from the New Testament. It's not church doctrine, it's Scripture. I don't want to open up a debate but just had to throw that in there.*


----------



## Thor

sandc said:


> She's quoting Christ from the New Testament. It's not church doctrine, it's Scripture. I don't want to open up a debate but just had to throw that in there.


She didn't say anything specific about which religion she belongs to. The church my wife belongs to is mainstream Christian and they support divorce in situations involving abuse. It isn't my intention to tell anyone their religion is wrong, rather to encourage them to think for themselves and to fully explore why they have this belief. For example, what if one of her parents told her "our church believes X", and now she is running with that even though her pastor might give her a very different representation of X.


----------



## sandc

Thor said:


> She didn't say anything specific about which religion she belongs to. The church my wife belongs to is mainstream Christian and they support divorce in situations involving abuse. It isn't my intention to tell anyone their religion is wrong, rather to encourage them to think for themselves and to fully explore why they have this belief. For example, what if one of her parents told her "our church believes X", and now she is running with that even though her pastor might give her a very different representation of X.


Oh, absolutely. I was just pointing out that was not simply church doctrine. I agree with your statement above completely.


----------



## that_girl

I know I'm late to the game but I'd probably have just told my friend that she has a few weeks to come clean or I would.


----------



## sinnister

As always I pretty much disagree with the lot of you.

This is her ish to own, not yours OP. I don't get involved in other people's marriages....ever. You NEVER know the full story so it's not your place to give out bits and pieces.

Sometimes doing the wrong thing is the right thing to do.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Of course, then when he does find out she will be labeled a toxic friend and be admonished for not telling.

She's in a no win situation, I think this is appropriate since there is a young baby involved. Bit just my opinion.


----------



## tulsy

sinnister said:


> As always I pretty much disagree with the lot of you.
> 
> This is her ish to own, not yours OP. I don't get involved in other people's marriages....ever. You NEVER know the full story so it's not your place to give out bits and pieces.
> 
> Sometimes doing the wrong thing is the right thing to do.


If a friend of mine knew this information about my spouse, but decided to "not get involved", I would not consider them a friend anymore. 

I'm sorry, but that's what friends are for. A friend would tell you what they know.

Also, this involves kids. If those kids are not his, they have a right to know who their real father is.


----------



## that_girl

Send an anonymous letter.

Done and done.


----------



## tom67

tulsy said:


> If a friend of mine knew this information about my spouse, but decided to "not get involved", I would not consider them a friend anymore.
> 
> I'm sorry, but that's what friends are for. A friend would tell you what they know.
> 
> Also, this involves kids. If those kids are not his, they have a right to know who their real father is.


I would have to inform also this is too important.
And yes it is a lose lose proposition.
But it is the right thing to do imo.


----------



## Racer

The usual response upon first hearing for a BH is denial. Just how it is. They might suspect it, know it’s a real possibility, but they, in their heart, don’t want to believe it. It usually takes time, a bit of snooping on their end, and so forth as they accept this is really happening to their life.


----------



## turnera

Thor said:


> I have 3 kids in your age group. They get involved in similar dramas with their friends. It isn't immaturity at all. In fact, it is caring and empathetic behavior for you to be concerned about your friend's well being.


Yeah, that's what I was trying to say. I remember all the times I'd have to say to DD when she was in junior high, high school, and EVEN in college - will you still be hanging out with this person in 5 or 10 years? No? Then why stress over what he/she is doing? In 5 years, you won't even be thinking about them any more. So don't let their issues become YOUR issues.

That said, when you see evil (like cheating), it's your moral imperative to step in and stop it.


----------



## turnera

that_girl said:


> I know I'm late to the game but I'd probably have just told my friend that she has a few weeks to come clean or I would.


My DD did this to her best friend who was cheating with two guys (both friends). The girl refused. DD told the guys. EVERYone - all the friends - were furious with her, because the girl twisted everything around to be my DD's fault. It was a horrible last year of high school for her because of it.

So tell, but don't confront the girl first.


----------



## that_girl

Yea. HS girls are brutal.

I would have cared then what people thought. At 38, I couldn't give a crap what people think.


----------



## sinnister

tulsy said:


> If a friend of mine knew this information about my spouse, but decided to "not get involved", I would not consider them a friend anymore.
> 
> I'm sorry, but that's what friends are for. A friend would tell you what they know.
> 
> Also, this involves kids. If those kids are not his, they have a right to know who their real father is.


I agree in principle. Morals would dictate that the father and children need to know.

My reality is different. So many variables involved here. He could end up hating her for not telling, or he can end up hating her for telling. The couple can reconcile and she can be the odd person out even though she has the moral high ground. Situations of the heart are sticky. People react unpredictably. Its a mess that I personally just step away from.

I don't like my "friends" enough to involve myself in their drama.


----------



## sinnister

turnera said:


> My DD did this to her best friend who was cheating with two guys (both friends). The girl refused. DD told the guys. EVERYone - all the friends - were furious with her, because the girl twisted everything around to be my DD's fault. It was a horrible last year of high school for her because of it.
> 
> So tell, but don't confront the girl first.


This is what I'm getting at. People are morons.

Which is why I stay out of it. I personally wouldnt hate a "friend" for not telling me. You have to have enough compassion to realize that this situation is so incredibly awkward and uncomfortable that outsiders can't be expected to react in the way you want them to.


----------



## turnera

sinnister said:


> I don't like my "friends" enough to involve myself in their drama.


That's sad.


----------



## tom67

This situation may truly be life or death for him. His w could have given him a STD or disease of some sort.
But that's me.


----------



## doubletrouble

that_girl said:


> At 38, I couldn't give a crap what people think.


 Wait another 20 years and this goes double.


----------



## Sammy64

doubletrouble said:


> Wait another 20 years and this goes double.


That is so true!!


----------



## sandc

doubletrouble said:


> Wait another 20 years and this goes double.


So that's what it's like being old, huh DT? :lol:


----------



## that_girl

doubletrouble said:


> Wait another 20 years and this goes double.


Oh how wonderful to hear!


----------



## doubletrouble

sandc said:


> So that's what it's like being old, huh DT? :lol:


I was never really one who cared much what people thought of me. High school yeah, but that was, well, in the 70s, man.


----------



## sandc

doubletrouble said:


> I was never really one who cared much what people thought of me. High school yeah, but that was, well, in the 70s, man.


Do you yell at the neighborhood kids to stay off your lawn too? 

I just want to know what to practice for when I get old.


----------



## doubletrouble

I yell at all the neighbors. Bastards that they are. 


 jk


----------



## sandc

doubletrouble said:


> I yell at all the neighbors. Bastards that they are.
> 
> 
> jk


Sweet! I'm ahead of the game! :smthumbup:


----------



## Divinely Favored

ariel_angel77 said:


> Well, thank you for that. I just sensed that the overall tone of your post was "you are immature". If you genuinely don't understand, then I will try to explain it.
> 
> My husband has done me so, so wrong and many occasions. If you only knew how many nights I have spent on the floor, crying and begging him, how many times I almost went over to the kitchen, got a knife, and slit my wrist (I am so sorry for the grotesque image, but just trying to explain better.). How many times I begged myself not to end my life because of the misery he put me in. (For the record, I do not have suicidal thoughts as of now and I am seeing a licensed therapist.) He has killed my self worth, my self esteem, anything positive that was there before.
> 
> I cannot afford to care like I used to about what he does to me. I can't afford to feel the way he made me feel. If I involve my emotions in that manner, he will only use them against me. I felt SO strongly about him, so when he hurt me, I wanted to die, and he knew that and used it against me. I can't afford it anymore. It's a defense mechanism. If he says something insulting, I just do not care. In fact, he did it tonight. He knows that my religion means SO much to me, it's #1 in my life. He said tonight "You know, you're not even that religious. You cussed the other week." The way he looked at me and the way he said it was worse than his words. If i did anything other than letting it slide off my back like I didn't care, I wouldn't be able to handle the amount of pain it would cause me.
> 
> I'm sorry that I misunderstood your post. Guess I'm so used to people calling me immature.


In the end you want to hear 
Enter in my good and faithful servant. It is immoral to hide the truth and be a part of the evil this woman is bringing up on her husband. I do not understand how people can say it is none of their business, it's no different than if I saw are young woman being raped I am NOT going to say it's none of my business. it IS my business! as a Christian to take a stand against evil and proclaimed the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Divinely Favored

doubletrouble said:


> I read the "You sure?" thing as him asking are you sure you might not need my help. You said you thought you needed his help, but no biggie. He asked if you were sure it was no biggie, as in are you sure you don't need any help. *shrug*
> 
> There are other ways to read it, is all I'm saying. I might have asked the same thing, in the interest of wanting to help you with whatever it was, not necessarily to hit on you.


I read it the same way
just him wanting to be helpful
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2asdf2

turnera said:


> Ask him if they had an agreement that they could see someone else during the break. Ask that first. *Then decide what to tell him.*


If you are trying to do the right thing, you tell what you think are facts, based on his right to know "the truth" and make his own decisions.

If you start editorializing what to tell and what not to tell, your theoretical "doing the right thing" loses its moral-logical standing.

Better rethink the whole thing afresh.


----------



## doubletrouble

OP was going to meet him today, so we're probably past that point. Waiting to see what the result was.


----------



## 2asdf2

doubletrouble said:


> OP was going to meet him today, so we're probably past that point. Waiting to see what the result was.


I'm afraid you are correct.

But, just in case.


----------



## ariel_angel77

Dear goodness gracious, you guys.

So, he texted me at about four this afternoon, saying "we are at the college now".
I'm thinking. WE?????
Yes, he brought her with him!
I had to figure out how I was going to work this one out. I texted him and asked if she was going to wait outside while we talked inside. My H was like "this is a bad idea, just back out now" but I was set on telling him the truth and getting it over with (I have been worrying over this SO much, you guys have no idea.) I told him I would be okay.

Well, I went to the library. Him, her, and their two kids were there. THEN she said, "You ready to go into the library, you guys?" She was going to go in there as well! Thankfully, for a moment she had to fetch the older child, so I whispered to him, "Can we talk alone?" He got the message and asked her to stay outside, saying we wouldn't be long. She agreed.

So, I designated a study room for us to talk in & everything. As soon as we went in, I said "This is about your W." He chuckled, as if he expected it. He said "I figured since you wouldn't tell me what you needed help with." I sat there and was like "please wait until later to tell her. I just really feel the need to tell you this. She didn't tell you for a year and doesn't plan on it so I felt the need to tell you." (He was chuckling here and there this whole time....)

You guys, I was almost in tears at this point, I was so terrified to tell him. I was seriously choking out my words at this point. I almost cried but held it back.

"Your W slept with 5 guys while y'all were separated. She doesn't know if your child is yours or another guy's, but she thinks it's yours because 'he looks like you'." (Spend a few minutes explaining further what I know.)

He was kinda quiet, but then he said, "Yeah, a few other people have tried to tell me that she cheated (implying he didn't believe them). It's not a big deal if she did anyway, we were separated at the time. It's just a bunch of drama. But I mean, I'll bring it up to her tonight. And I know the child is mine. He looks like me, and it doesn't make sense for him to be the other guys' baby, I mean one of the guys is in the army and overseas" (he was seriously acting like I didn't know what I was talking about.) 

I bursted his bubble by saying "No, actually, she slept with him, THEN he left to go to the army, I know because she was texting him at my house."

He was quiet after that then just said he would talk to her again tonight about it. It was really awkward, I was just kinda babbling at that point "Well I mean..I just thought I should tell you...I thought it was the right thing.." I ended up saying, "well, anyway, that's what I had to talk to you about."  He told me that he would go ahead and leave and I could stay so I could look like I was actually studying. 

A few hours later, she ended up texting me a nasty message, but I didn't read it, just deleted it and blocked her from my Facebook.

I feel pretty negative and dumb from the interaction. While I know his response was on the good side of what it could been, Ellegirl hit the nail on the head. He was totally embarrassed and in denial. I just want to know that I did the right thing, and I feel like I did.

I dunno, what do you guys think? Do you think that he won't believe me and I told him for no reason (I thought he would believe me since I was pretty much crying when I told him) or do you think he will end up blowing up at her later? I dunno. I just feel bleh about it. :/ H keeps reassuring me that I did the right thing, though. He says he's proud of me for doing it.


----------



## ariel_angel77

I am a non-denominational Christian. I believe in God, the Bible, and that Jesus died for our sins.

As far as my H, we had a come to Jesus meeting (I don't mean that literal) and I let him know that the abuse will continue no longer or he can leave my apartment that MY school provided for ME. MC has really helped, and he has not lied (to my knowledge) or done one emotionally abusive thing. As soon as he does, he can leave. I won't divorce him, but I won't reside with someone who treats me that way.


----------



## GusPolinski

You did the right thing. You told him what you knew, along w/ what you suspected might be true based on what his own wife told you. That she was so flippant in admitting her slorish behavior -- along w/ the very real possibility that her child was fathered by another man -- to you says a ton about her, and none of it is good.

What he does or doesn't do w/ that knowledge is up to him. He'd be stupid not to get a paternity test, though. Lots of guys have fallen back on the "Well, he/she looks just like me..." defense only to discover that they were so very wrong in the end. After all, for all he knows, one (or more) of the five other guys could have very well been his own brother/father/male cousin.

Now it's time for the next step... Cut this shamelessly slorish toxic b*tch out of your life for good.

Again, you did the right thing!


----------



## GusPolinski

ariel_angel77 said:


> I am a non-denominational Christian. I believe in God, the Bible, and that Jesus died for our sins.
> 
> As far as my H, we had a come to Jesus meeting (I don't mean that literal) and I let him know that the abuse will continue no longer or he can leave my apartment that MY school provided for ME. MC has really helped, and he has not lied (to my knowledge) or done one emotionally abusive thing. As soon as he does, he can leave. *I won't divorce him*, but I won't reside with someone who treats me that way.


You should seriously rethink this. As long as he knows that you won't divorce him, regardless of what he does or doesn't do, he holds all of the power in your relationship.


----------



## turnera

You did the right thing. No matter if he wants to put his head in the sand, HE KNOWS. And their relationship will never be the same. It will be VERY hard for her to ever cheat on him again.


----------



## BetrayedDad

ariel_angel77 said:


> I feel pretty negative and dumb from the interaction. While I know his response was on the good side of what it could been, Ellegirl hit the nail on the head. He was totally embarrassed and in denial. I just want to know that I did the right thing, and I feel like I did.
> 
> I dunno, what do you guys think? Do you think that he won't believe me and I told him for no reason (I thought he would believe me since I was pretty much crying when I told him) or do you think he will end up blowing up at her later? I dunno. I just feel bleh about it. :/ H keeps reassuring me that I did the right thing, though. He says he's proud of me for doing it.


You DEFINITELY did the right thing. If he wants to live in denial that's not your problem. You gave him the information. You are in the clear. What he chooses to do with it is up to him. You can hold your head up high. Sometimes (as you occasionally can see on this forum) BS's are in their own fantasy lands just like their WS's.... You can't save everybody. You lead a horse to the water but it's up to the horse to drink it.


----------



## jane1213

You did a great job. Clear consciousness. Although I am always of the opinion it is none of my business. I have a friend who cheated on her boyfriend with our classmate. Now after cheating her new guy left the country and she is with her bf. She is all sweet with him. I feel sorry for him but it is none of my business. I am not the ethics police here.


----------



## GusPolinski

jane1213 said:


> You did a great job. Clear consciousness. Although I am always of the opinion it is none of my business. I have a friend who cheated on her boyfriend with our classmate. Now after cheating her new guy left the country and she is with her bf. She is all sweet with him. I feel sorry for him but it is none of my business. I am not the ethics police here.


If your boyfriend were cheating on you and your friend or your friend's boyfriend knew about it, wouldn't you want to be told?

What if her boyfriend were your brother? Would you say something then?

Either way, just make sure that you say something before wedding bells start to chime.


----------



## Dyokemm

You did the right thing.

Her BH is probably shocked and trying to process the full ramifications of your revelation.

You were obviously not the first to raise these issues with him, but he probably had rugswept them all after talking with his WW and just writing them off primarily to innuendo and rumor. She undoubtedly gaslighted and TT'd him hard, as his 'facts' about Army POS show.

Your info is no doubt making him question again what really went down.

And she sent you the nasty text because you have blown up her successful efforts to gaslight and TT her BH so she could remain in control of her M situation.

He is undoubtedly asking her questions now that are exposing all these lies and partial truths.


----------



## turnera

jane1213 said:


> You did a great job. Clear consciousness. Although I am always of the opinion it is none of my business. I have a friend who cheated on her boyfriend with our classmate. Now after cheating her new guy left the country and she is with her bf. She is all sweet with him. I feel sorry for him but it is none of my business. I am not the ethics police here.


Glad you're not MY friend and I don't go around thinking you have MY back...


----------



## BetrayedDad

jane1213 said:


> I feel sorry for him but it is none of my business. I am not the ethics police here.


That's cool. So if your significant other cheats on you and your friends don't tell you it'll be no big deal right? They can just feel sorry for you while watching you get played for a fool behind your back. Then you can continue to live a lie because ignorance is bliss.


----------



## ariel_angel77

Dyokemm said:


> You did the right thing.
> 
> Her BH is probably shocked and trying to process the full ramifications of your revelation.
> 
> You were obviously not the first to raise these issues with him, but he probably had rugswept them all after talking with his WW and just writing them off primarily to innuendo and rumor. She undoubtedly gaslighted and TT'd him hard, as his 'facts' about Army POS show.
> 
> Your info is no doubt making him question again what really went down.
> 
> And she sent you the nasty text because you have blown up her successful efforts to gaslight and TT her BH so she could remain in control of her M situation.
> 
> He is undoubtedly asking her questions now that are exposing all these lies and partial truths.


Yes! I totally agree with you.


----------



## ariel_angel77

turnera said:


> You did the right thing. No matter if he wants to put his head in the sand, HE KNOWS. And their relationship will never be the same. It will be VERY hard for her to ever cheat on him again.


I completely agree that their relationship will never be the same. And it's probably for the best. She did it to her own marriage. I'm just glad he found out now rather than years and years down the road. I really hope that after he gets to thinking about it, he takes what I said to heart. I really put myself out there in order to tell him (with his wife within 100 yards).


----------



## bryanp

Congratulations. You absolutely did the correct thing.

To paraphrase Edmund Burke - All that is needed for evil to 
triumph is for good men to do nothing.

Fortunately you did something. Well done.


----------



## EleGirl

ariel_angel77,

You did the right thing. He is in denial.

If he ever contact you about this just advise him to get his children DNA tested. And then ask him to just leave you alone.

And now she is out of your life. 

Just like you want your marriage to work, he wants his to work. He not only as the marriage to worry about but children who he wants in his life as much as possible.

There is a good chance that he really does not care if the child is his or not. There are men who accept a child who is not their bio-child. They have the capacity to love the child regardless. Maybe that's part of his issue.

I have a son who we adopted when he was 10 days old. He looks a lot like me. His (adopted) dad and I could never give him up from the first moment we saw him. This guy might be just like that.

You did what was right. Apparently others have told him as well. So you know that you do not stand alone in this concept of doing what is right.

I'm glad to hear that you are holding your boundaries with your husband. I do hope he will learn to treat you better.

ETA: Don't be surprised if your now ex-friend throws some hate your way. Be strong.


----------



## bfree

aa77, you did good. If more people would stand up for what is right our world would be a better place.


----------



## that_girl

Well, now it's done.

The rest is up to them.


----------



## ariel_angel77

intheory said:


> It is much, much different than standing by and watching someone get raped. With all due respect to your opinion.
> 
> I appreciate your reference to the Bible. Here's another part of the Bible that applies in this case:
> 
> "Like one who grabs a stray dog by the ears is someone who rushes into a quarrel not their own." Prov. 26:17


I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with your opinion that that verse applies to this. I do not think I went against the bible in doing this. Please do not try to make me feel worse about it. It's done. There's no reason to continue to debate whether I should have done it or not. Thanks.


----------



## that_girl

Right or wrong, it was what you thought was right and in my opinion, anything done with good intentions is the right thing to do.

It may not change anything other than you have 2 less friends in your circle, but in all reality, is this someone who you'd want to be friends with for long?

You don't have to answer that. It's done and for whatever reason, he didn't seem shocked. But you did what you thought was right so it wasn't done in vain.


----------



## sandc

Yep. You did the right thing. I'm proud of you too.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Nice job Ariel- you did the right thing. Hold your head high. 

We might not see eye to eye on religion, but say a prayer for your friends tonight - they need them 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

intheory said:


> It is much, much different than standing by and watching someone get raped. With all due respect to your opinion.
> 
> I appreciate your reference to the Bible. Here's another part of the Bible that applies in this case:
> 
> "Like one who grabs a stray dog by the ears is someone who rushes into a quarrel not their own." Prov. 26:17


Interesting, but this is why I dislike organized religion, people cherry pick the bible to fit their argument.

You know how that verse reads to me? A stray dog equals someone you do not know. So, to me, it means Do not go out seeking (grab a stray dog) random people and try to settle their fight. This thread isn't about a random person, it is or was a family friend. It was also a good friend of the husband, before their relationship turned sour.

This friendship was miles away from being a bunch of "stray dogs.'


----------



## 3putt

intheory said:


> It is much, much different than standing by and watching someone get raped. With all due respect to your opinion.
> 
> I appreciate your reference to the Bible. Here's another part of the Bible that applies in this case:
> 
> "Like one who grabs a stray dog by the ears is someone who rushes into a quarrel not their own." Prov. 26:17


And another that applies as well:

Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them; for you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of Light (for the fruit of the Light consists in all goodness and righteousness and truth), trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them; for it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret. But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light. Ephesians 5:6-13


----------



## workindad

OP. I believe you did the right thing. What her husband does with the information is up to him now. 

I also believe in surrounding yourself with quality people. Losing her as a "friend" is a positive event in your life. If she will backstab and lie to her husband and child she would do the same to you if she saw a gain for herself. 

I would not shy away from her messages. I probably would not respond but i would likely read them. 

Do not feel bad about what happened. This was her doing not yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sinnister

turnera said:


> That's sad.


Maybe so...but I have enough problems in my own marriage to give anymore of myself to an outsider of my family.


----------



## Divinely Favored

intheory said:


> It is much, much different than standing by and watching someone get raped. With all due respect to your opinion.
> 
> I appreciate your reference to the Bible. Here's another part of the Bible that applies in this case:
> 
> "Like one who grabs a stray dog by the ears is someone who rushes into a quarrel not their own." Prov. 26:17[/QUOT
> 
> It was in context as someone walking by one being assaulted and thinking I do not want to get involved. If the betrayed is unaware, they are being sexually assaulted by the cheating spouse . The betrayed did not agree to POSOM/W's bodily fluids being pushed on the betrayed afterward by kissing, oral or intercorse. This is no different than someone being taken advantage of after they pass out or are given a date rape drug, you may not remember the act but you are still exposed to unwanted sexual contact(as with immoral cheating spouses OM/W) and possibility of STD's.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Divinely Favored

ariel_angel77 Husband said he was proud of you...I believe the Lord is the most proud right now....well done thy good and faithful servant! Did your hubby know about the affair? With the issues he has treated you, it makes me wonder if he knew and was waiting to see if you were going to do the moral thing and tell the friend. I know I would have respect issues with my wife if I knew she were sitting on something like this...when you took a stand his respect for you climbed considerably...hence the I'm proud of you. Good job for taking a stand!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## convert

ariel,
he may contact you a little latter when he has more time to process all this with more questions.
It would be normal for him to do this.

It might be a good idea to have your husband there with you with any future conversions.

he might need a shoulder to cry on and we all know this is how EA's start.
it already seems like he likes you.


----------



## ariel_angel77

convert said:


> it already seems like he likes you.


Why do you think so? I feel like if he does contact me again for more info or something like that and I know that he likes me, then I need to handle the situation differently.


----------



## ariel_angel77

workindad said:


> I would not shy away from her messages. I probably would not respond but i would likely read them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why do you say this?

Also, thank you for the encouragement.


----------



## convert

no no 
maybe I am reading to much into it
In one of your post you said he always talks nice to you and ask chirper around you ---- probably nothing


----------



## that_girl

Oh i'd have some words for HER! :lol: Honestly...she wants to get upset at YOU? Oh that's priceless.

"How dare you tell my husband that I cheated and maybe had a child or two that aren't his!"

Nice.

I bet you feel better...pay no mind to her. She's just in her storm.


----------



## GusPolinski

ariel, just cut them both out of your life and move on w/ your own. Block both of their numbers, both of their e-mail addresses, etc. You're a full-time student w/ a young child, and you're dealing w/ enough drama within your own marriage -- don't waste any more of your time on any of theirs.


----------



## bryanp

If there were more people like you Ariel we would have a better society. Those that keep quiet and look the other way sends a clear message that cheating is acceptable.


----------



## Thor

ariel_angel77 said:


> She did it to her own marriage.
> .
> .
> .
> I really put myself out there in order to tell him


She also did it to you. She put you in a terrible position. You either kept the terrible secret or you tell him and risk unknown negative outcomes.

You did good. There is no perfect way to say something, and you cannot control the outcome. All you can do is your best, and try to do the right thing. The outcome is beyond your control, but the best chance of a good outcome is when you do the right thing.


----------



## ariel_angel77

I just want to end this thread by saying thank you to everyone who responded...you have no idea how much it means to me. It's because of you guys that I had the courage to do this and that it went as good as it did. I'm really glad I joined this site. There are some very caring and concerned and selfless people on this site and I'm really glad to be apart of it.


----------



## Divinely Favored

ariel_angel77 said:


> Why do you say this?
> 
> Also, thank you for the encouragement.


If she divulges more info you can show it to your friend to confirm what he has been told..In her on words no less..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski

intheory, you're somewhat correct; the "friend's" infidelity, along w/ the questionable parentage of at least one of her children, was none of Ariel's business.

Until, that is, the "friend" made it her business when she a) told her about it (and, from what I've read, in a very nonchalant manner) and b) in doing so, attempted to leverage whatever loyalty she felt that their "friendship" may have inspired in order engage Ariel in an unspoken agreement by which she would remain complicit in the ongoing deceit by not doing the right thing... and saying nothing. Ariel rose above all of that bullsh*t, and chose to act in a manner dictated by her conscience.

And so... Ariel... again, I salute thee. :smthumbup:

ETA: Ariel, this woman was no "friend" to you, hence my use of quotation marks throughout this post. Additionally, it's clear that her husband had been told by others that his wife had been unfaithful (many times) over the course of their somewhat brief separation. So either she obviously told someone other than just you, or her behavior was just that obviously slorish to other people close to them, and one (or more) of them said something to her husband about it. Either way, how freaking stupid could she be? This is yet another reason for you to put this dumb b*tch and all of her drama behind you.


----------



## Rev. Clonn

Ariel,
You have done a good thing, no question about it. We are at times to "be our brothers keeper", this is part of what makes us the body of Christ. You risked your self to do the right thing.
But now you must remember to " beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?"
Do what is necessary to fix your own marriage, and live your life right.
I shall pray for you and yours.


----------



## sinnister

Divinely Favored said:


> intheory said:
> 
> 
> 
> It is much, much different than standing by and watching someone get raped. With all due respect to your opinion.
> 
> I appreciate your reference to the Bible. Here's another part of the Bible that applies in this case:
> 
> "Like one who grabs a stray dog by the ears is someone who rushes into a quarrel not their own." Prov. 26:17[/QUOT
> 
> It was in context as someone walking by one being assaulted and thinking I do not want to get involved. If the betrayed is unaware, they are being sexually assaulted by the cheating spouse . The betrayed did not agree to POSOM/W's bodily fluids being pushed on the betrayed afterward by kissing, oral or intercorse. This is no different than someone being taken advantage of after they pass out or are given a date rape drug, you may not remember the act but you are still exposed to unwanted sexual contact(as with immoral cheating spouses OM/W) and possibility of STD's.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> 
> 
> That's an interesting take on it. Can't say that I agree but it's nice to see your perspective. These situations are so complex and so incredibly subjective it is not possible to apply one course of action.
> 
> Circumstances dictate how I'd act. For the most part, I would stay out of it. Cheaters usually always get burned one way or another. And I don't need to be the one to do it to satisfy my sense of morality.
Click to expand...


----------



## ariel_angel77

I wanted to give those who have been following my story a quick update.

I have been very sick all week (which includes losing my voice) and H and I were asleep upstairs. Well, we heard banging on the door and ringing of our doorbell several times. He went downstairs and saw that it was my now ex-friend. She asked to speak to me and he told her that anything she needed to say, she could take up with him. (Not only could I not defend myself with the lack of a voice, but H had been telling me that I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore.) Well, she wasn't happy. I heard her yelling from down there "I want to know why when I have kept ALL of her secrets!!"

Apparently H made it clear that he was on my side and that I did it because I was guilty about keeping something like that from her H and felt it was the right thing. Ex-F was like "oh, so SHE felt guilty? It's all about her then, right?" H informed her that to him, it was about me. She said that it should have come from her, and H said that I had given her plenty of time to tell (and she had indicated she never planned to tell.) It was basically a lot of her yelling about how I shouldn't have done it and H defending my decision. She tried mudslinging but H also ended that quickly.

She ended up telling H that I ruined her marriage. So I'm assuming her H left her then? After she left, H looked at my phone. Ex-F had tried to call and sent two long texts calling me cuss words and insulting me.

I don't know why, but that interaction today makes me feel so much better about having told him. Is that weird?


----------



## GusPolinski

Wow. What a piece of work. Aren't you glad that you don't have to deal w/ that harpy anymore?


----------



## workindad

AA- I do not believe it is weird. And GP is correct, now you won't have that drag of a "friend" adding nonsensical drama into your life anymore. You are both better off without her.

Oh- if your H had been one of her 5- she would have blurted it out on your door step. Nice to learn that he backed solidly. Think about that.

I would not engage your ex-friend in conversations in any way. She will just try to blame-shift her actions on to you and nothing positive will come from it.

You did good.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

ariel_angel77 said:


> She ended up telling H that I ruined her marriage


No, she ruined her own marriage. And she will blameshift her actions to anyone she can but herself.

What a piece of work. Be glad you are done with her. Hopefully this episode helps to bond you and your husband together even stronger. I hope your husband sees what a moral, upstanding, honorable lady he has married and continues to improve his treatment of you. I'm glad he stood up for you here.

Good luck Ariel - study hard!


----------



## Binji

Should we contact tbe authorities about your husband laying hands on you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

ariel_angel77,

This is not surprising at all.

I wonder if she realizes that others have told her husband as well. He told you as much.

Did she indicate if they now know whether or not her husband is the father of the youngest child.

You did the right thing. You now know, even more than ever, that she's a piece of work.

She's so enraged that I'm concerned. Make sure that you keep those text's from her. If she harasses you any further look into getting a restraining order against her.

I am assuming that she has not threatened bodily harm.. .if she did that get a restraining order now.

Hope you get to feeling better.


----------



## EleGirl

Binji said:


> Should we contact tbe authorities about your husband laying hands on you?


The authorities would not do anything right now if we told them. There is no evidence and he's not hurting her at this point.

If however we were there to see her husband physically hurting her... yep we should call the police.

Her telling the husband was about the husband being fooled into raising a child who was not his child. That's a life long form of fraud.


----------



## ariel_angel77

Binji said:


> Should we contact tbe authorities about your husband laying hands on you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What? No, my husband has never laid hands on me. If he ever did, it would be his last time. I would never put up with that.


----------



## ariel_angel77

EleGirl said:


> ariel_angel77,
> 
> This is not surprising at all.
> 
> I wonder if she realizes that others have told her husband as well. He told you as much.
> 
> Did she indicate if they now know whether or not her husband is the father of the youngest child.
> 
> You did the right thing. You now know, even more than ever, that she's a piece of work.
> 
> She's so enraged that I'm concerned. Make sure that you keep those text's from her. If she harasses you any further look into getting a restraining order against her.
> 
> I am assuming that she has not threatened bodily harm.. .if she did that get a restraining order now.
> 
> Hope you get to feeling better.


Thank you, Elegirl. No, the only thing that she indicated was that they split (which was what I got from her saying I ruined her marriage). I haven't heard anything about the youngest child. And yes, you're right, this happening kind of confirmed for me that I did the right thing. Also, yes, I will get a restraining order if needed. So far, she has left us alone since the incident today.


----------



## tom67

ariel_angel77 said:


> Thank you, Elegirl. No, the only thing that she indicated was that they split (which was what I got from her saying I ruined her marriage). I haven't heard anything about the youngest child. And yes, you're right, this happening kind of confirmed for me that I did the right thing. Also, yes, I will get a restraining order if needed. So far, she has left us alone since the incident today.


Maybe have hubs check in on the guy to see if he's okay that's all.


----------



## sandc

Well done Ariel. Nice to read that your husband stood his ground and stood up for you. Kept the crazy lady away from you.


----------



## NextTimeAround

EleGirl said:


> ariel_angel77,
> 
> This is not surprising at all.
> 
> I wonder if she realizes that others have told her husband as well. He told you as much.
> 
> Did she indicate if they now know whether or not her husband is the father of the youngest child.
> 
> You did the right thing. You now know, even more than ever, that she's a piece of work.
> 
> She's so enraged that I'm concerned. Make sure that you keep those text's from her. If she harasses you any further look into getting a restraining order against her.
> 
> I am assuming that she has not threatened bodily harm.. .if she did that get a restraining order now.
> 
> Hope you get to feeling better.


Most likely this exF will spread rumors about the OP on campus and other places.


----------



## EleGirl

NextTimeAround said:


> Most likely this exF will spread rumors about the OP on campus and other places.


Yea, this is the most likely thing now. Drama queen.


----------



## EleGirl

ariel_angel77 said:


> Thank you, Elegirl. No, the only thing that she indicated was that they split (which was what I got from her saying I ruined her marriage). I haven't heard anything about the youngest child. And yes, you're right, this happening kind of confirmed for me that I did the right thing. Also, yes, I will get a restraining order if needed. So far, she has left us alone since the incident today.


One thing that I think is good is that it seems some of us were wrong that your husband had something to do with her. That's a relief for sure.

Her husband told you that you were the first person to tell him about this. So if she ever says anything directly to you, just tell her that he already knew. That's probably why he was asking her questions already.


----------



## bfree

*Re: Re: Should I tell my friend's husband that she cheated on him?*



ariel_angel77 said:


> Thank you, Elegirl. No, the only thing that she indicated was that they split (which was what I got from her saying I ruined her marriage). I haven't heard anything about the youngest child. And yes, you're right, this happening kind of confirmed for me that I did the right thing. Also, yes, I will get a restraining order if needed. So far, she has left us alone since the incident today.


With every update I am more and more heartened at how you and now your H has handled this. It's nice to see people taking moral responsibility to better society when so many turn a blind eye. Kudos!


----------



## Jellybeans

Personally, I would have stayed out of it.

And reading this below makes you think you did it out of revenge/because you were resentful of your friend and honestly it doesn't even seem like you liked her.



ariel_angel77 said:


> I have been questioning my friendship with her for a while.
> 
> Then, when my H and I were having problems, I talked to her about them. Instead of her saying "Oh, he's treating you bad, you shouldn't put up with that" she said "he's white trash. His family is white trash. Nobody in high school liked him and he wasn't popular at all. So you shouldn't be with him." I thought that was very odd.
> 
> Anyway, she has lied to me on a few occasions about dumb things, ignored me on several occasions, things like that which made me wonder.


Seems like you did it out of spite. 



ariel_angel77 said:


> She ended up telling H that I ruined her marriage. So I'm assuming her H left her then? After she left, H looked at my phone. Ex-F had tried to call and sent two long texts calling me cuss words and insulting me.
> 
> *I don't know why, but that interaction today makes me feel so much better about having told him. Is that weird?*


Perhaps you thought she was going to thank you? And not want to speak to you afterward? Again, it just sounds like you are getting off on their problems.


----------



## convert

^^ no i read it as OP saw the real person her friend was (a really bad person)


----------



## ariel_angel77

Jellybeans said:


> Personally, I would have stayed out of it.
> 
> And reading this below makes you think you did it out of revenge/because you were resentful of your friend and honestly it doesn't even seem like you liked her.
> 
> 
> 
> Seems like you did it out of spite.
> 
> 
> 
> Perhaps you thought she was going to thank you? And not want to speak to you afterward? Again, it just sounds like you are getting off on their problems.


I am not even going to respond to this ridiculous post. It happened, I'm proud of what I did, end of story.


----------



## vellocet

I don't know about the whole "spite" thing. But either way, telling her H needed to be done. Good job.


----------



## farsidejunky

*Re: Re: Should I tell my friend's husband that she cheated on him?*



ariel_angel77 said:


> I am not even going to respond to this ridiculous post. It happened, I'm proud of what I did, end of story.


Well said.


----------



## Jellybeans

ariel_angel77 said:


> I am not even going to respond to this ridiculous post. It happened, I'm proud of what I did, end of story.


But you did respond. It's sad that you feel a different point of view is "ridiculous." 

Carry on.


----------



## naiveonedave

FWIW - OP I think you did the right thing and I respect you for doing it, because it was difficult, but right.


----------



## convert

All it takes for evil to prevail is for good man and *Women* to do nothing.


----------



## GusPolinski

Paternity fraud is perhaps the single most vile, despicable, and morally repugnant injustice that a woman can visit upon a man. Kudos to Ariel for refusing to be party to her ex-friend's deceit.

Ariel, never doubt that you did the right thing.


----------



## Clay2013

I think you did the right thing.


----------



## ConanHub

I think you are a bit of a hero Ariel. You exposed something vile and treacherous.

Not speaking up would have been cowardly. 

There are few people I trust to be close to me and Mrs. Conan.

I believe you and your H would be welcome as friends. I can't trust cowards.


----------



## GusPolinski

Conan, what is best in life?


----------



## ConanHub

GusPolinski said:


> Conan, what is best in life?


LOL! To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.

Awful movie, but still fun to watch Arnie in his glory years.


----------



## murphy5

a restraining order might be smart, it establishes she is hostile to you ahead of any further issues, like her falsely reporting you to the cops.

But, seriously, a handgun might be wise (if your campus allows them)...definitely a pump shotgun at home...she may be pretty unstable.


----------



## GusPolinski

There's infidelity (and that's certainly bad enough), and then there's paternity fraud.


----------



## EleGirl

GusPolinski said:


> There's infidelity (and that's certainly bad enough), and then there's paternity fraud.


Of course, we don't know if there is paternity fraud in this case.


----------



## GusPolinski

EleGirl said:


> Of course, we don't know if there is paternity fraud in this case.


True enough, but _the bottom line is that the possibility of such is/was at least great enough that Ariel's ex-friend questioned it herself_. And, in the end, her only real justification for thinking that the baby could _possibly_ have been fathered by her husband is because he/she "sort of looks like him".

Pssh. Please. Weakest argument ever.


----------



## EleGirl

GusPolinski said:


> True enough, but _the bottom line is that the possibility of such is/was at least great enough that Ariel's ex-friend questioned it herself_. And, in the end, her only real justification for thinking that the baby could _possibly_ have been fathered by her husband is because he/she "sort of looks like him".
> 
> Pssh. Please. Weakest argument ever.


Clearly she did not care one way or the other. She could have run dna test herself and found out. That would have been a wise thing to do. But she did not want to know.


----------



## GusPolinski

Hey Ariel, just wondering... any news on your "friend" and her husband?


----------



## LastDance

Ariel I am very late getting in on this post. I think you are an amazing young lady and showing more courage, maturity and moral conviction than many 2 or 3 times your age. I don't know you personally but cannot help feeling so proud of you. You did good. 

I hope you find more joy every day in your life, your marriage and of course your little one. <3

I went ahead and left my original post (written at least 6 pages into the thread) so others could see how forewarning a cheater can back fire. Those of us here I believe would definitely have wanted to know even if it meant hurting and doubt initially. 

Best of luck in everything you do Ariel. 





3putt said:


> What I would do is give her a week to tell her BH the truth, and let her know that if she doesn't, then you will.


A friend of ours gave my husband that ultimatum. Either he told me or he would. 

Hubby tells me right away he and said friend had a huge argument over something that happened at work [he told me friend had damaged some company property and hubby reported him after being questioned) and they are still mad at each other. For the next few days I hear all about about how our friend was being a jerk and out for pay back. 

I was busy working full time, taking care of my mother and raising children, so didn't really think much about it, figuring they'd work it out soon. Heck, I figured when our friend calmed down it'd be okay.

One night after work our friend is waiting outside for me by my car and asks if he can talk with me a minute. He asks if hubby had told me what was going on. I say "Yes" and wait for him to tell me his side of the work problem that started it all. 

Friend comments on how well I am handling things. I comment on how it's not something that has to end a friendship. By now he's confused and blurts out "But he's cheating on you, how can you be so damn calm???"

Remembering that hubby was concerned our friend would plan some kind of "pay back" for the work incident I am now mad at our friend for saying such a thing just because he is mad at my husband. I didn't believe the guy. 

Moral to the story: 
Don't give a cheater any edge or time to find one.


----------



## ariel_angel77

GusPolinski said:


> Hey Ariel, just wondering... any news on your "friend" and her husband?


Hey Gus. I'm not sure what the deal is. In her conversation with my H she told him that I "ruined" her marriage, but on Facebook they still have each other in their profile picture and it still says they're "married" on their pages. So I assume they're still together. I'm not friends with either on Facebook.

I might run into him when school starts around August 20 and have more news for you guys then. But I'm pretty sure they both just rug swept.


----------



## GusPolinski

ariel_angel77 said:


> But I'm pretty sure they both just rug swept.


Doesn't matter. You told him. He knows now.

And knowing is half the battle...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Geeeee Eyeeeee Joooeeeee!!!


----------



## ariel_angel77

So you think that even if they're still together their marriage will never be the same? And will eventually end?


----------



## bryanp

The wife is a serial cheater. It is probably a given that she will continue to cheat down the line. After everything she has done to the husband it is surprising that he has not walked.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

GusPolinski said:


> Doesn't matter. You told him. He knows now.
> 
> And knowing is half the battle...
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> Geeeee Eyeeeee Joooeeeee!!!


You're dating yourself... Ariel has no clue what that is... But I enjoyed it 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

ariel_angel77 said:


> So you think that even if they're still together their marriage will never be the same?


 Yes. All you have to do is read some of the reconciliation posts, even from people who say their marriage is better than ever after an affair, to see it is true. Triggers, fights, occasional lack 0f intimacy etc etc etc, it is changed.



> And will eventually end?


No, this isn't a given.


----------



## GusPolinski

PhillyGuy13 said:


> You're dating yourself... Ariel has no clue what that is... But I enjoyed it


:smthumbup:

I figured that li'l Ms. Ariel might not get the reference, but I was pretty sure that others would.


----------



## ariel_angel77

Wait, there was a reference? I thought you were just being weird. LOL


----------



## GusPolinski

ariel_angel77 said:


> Wait, there was a reference? I thought you were just being weird. LOL


/sigh

Now I really feel old...

Knowing is half the Battle - YouTube


----------



## ariel_angel77

You realize that was from like 10 years before I was born right? haha


----------



## GusPolinski

ariel_angel77 said:


> You realize that was from like 10 years before I was born right? haha


Indeed. You were probably born about a year or so after I graduated high school.


----------



## larry.gray

I graduated college when she was born.

At work everybody falls into either just out of school or old farts. Whenever one of the old farts makes a comment about how young some of them are, I just say "They're not young, we're really old."


----------



## Divinely Favored

One day my boys were watching Tom and Jerry. I said I used to watch that when I was a kid. "They had Tom and Jerry then?" I said "Yes"...son said "Oh.... but it was in black and white wasn't it?" Boy come here and let me smack you! I'm not my fathers age. He could not believe I played with Transformers in grade school either. Had to introduce him to Smokey and the Bandit. I loved my beautiful black '78 Pontiac. Ariel hold on to your honor and moral value and lay up your treasures in heaven!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

When I was a teen I used to razz my dad about his age all the time...

"Hey dad. When you were a kid, did you get a lot of splinters in your ass riding around in covered wagons?" 

Then I'd run out the door, ducking as one of his work boots came flying through the air at me.


----------



## Healer

ariel_angel77 said:


> So you think that even if they're still together their marriage will never be the same? And will eventually end?


If he has any sense at all, he will eventually "come to" and leave her sorry ass.


----------



## phoenix_

Jellybeans said:


> Personally, I would have stayed out of it.
> 
> And reading this below makes you think you did it out of revenge/because you were resentful of your friend and honestly it doesn't even seem like you liked her.
> 
> 
> 
> Seems like you did it out of spite.
> 
> 
> 
> Perhaps you thought she was going to thank you? And not want to speak to you afterward? Again, it just sounds like you are getting off on their problems.


So I guess you'd be okay with a friend holding information about your spouse cheating on you?
I don't even know how you came to this conclusion unless you're in a similar position as her friend.


----------



## turnera

bandit.45 said:


> When I was a teen I used to razz my dad about his age all the time...
> 
> "Hey dad. When you were a kid, did you get a lot of splinters in your ass riding around in covered wagons?"
> 
> Then I'd run out the door, ducking as one of his work boots came flying through the air at me.


Even better:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4AzjRrAIM8


----------



## ariel_angel77

Okay, small update.

So the ex-friend's husband messaged me recently and asked how I was doing. He said he understood if I didn't want to talk. I told him I didn't mind talking to him, but that his W had asked me not to, so I didn't want to cause any problems. He said she had left him a few weeks ago, so he didn't care what she thought.

We ended up texting for the rest of the night. We talked about why she left him (she said they were both unhappy and he was making her feel old) and how my H and I are, and also we talked about school and religion. We ended up making plans for him to come over the next night.

So he came over, and after we had been talking a while, he said "So, you have to answer this honestly, but W told me you let me know about the cheating because you are physically attracted to me. Is that true?" I was like....No...my reasons weren't that selfish. He said "I don't think it would have been selfish." So i really got the vibe that he was hitting on me. Luckily H came home from school just then, so I asked him if I could tell H what his W had said. He literally left within the second that I said that.

I really didn't expect that! You guys were right. Apparently he wanted "a shoulder to cry on."


----------



## farsidejunky

You should never have met him without your H present.


----------



## bandit.45

Wow. Good dodge. What a creep.


----------



## ariel_angel77

farsidejunky said:


> You should never have met him without your H present.


Yep, I get that, H was going to school and daughter was present but I had no intention of anything happening, I'm not attracted to him in the slightest. I didn't think he would actually hit on me.


----------



## OptimisticPessimist

WTF is wrong with people? Left and right shabby stuff like this happens. His wife cheats on him and then leaves him- then he decides to come hit on a married woman? And a married woman that obviously has a problem with cheating (who told him he was being cheated on)...

I dont know whats more tragic- his total lack of morals or the apparent non-existence of his intelligence


----------



## bandit.45

Well one good thing came out of all this. You have learned that both of them are bottom feeders and you can now shut both of them out of your life without guilt.


----------



## Lostinthought61

you should tell him that not every girl cheats on their husbands.


----------



## bfree

*Re: Re: Should I tell my friend's husband that she cheated on him?*



ariel_angel77 said:


> Yep, I get that, H was going to school and daughter was present but I had no intention of anything happening, I'm not attracted to him in the slightest. I didn't think he would actually hit on me.


Yeah, be careful. Men are pigs.


----------



## Healer

ariel_angel77 said:


> We ended up texting for the rest of the night...We ended up making plans for him to come over the next night.


As soon as I read that, red flags everywhere.


----------



## Q tip

There was no reason for him to come over. There was no reason for you to let him. He seems to be a bit manipulative. Don't let him take advantage of your decency. 

If you ever see him again, it will only be with your H there. Still, not recommended.

You may as well treat him as some other single guy. On the prowl...

The W lied to him to get him off the scent and on to you as the evil one.

What did your husband think when you told him you texted some guy all night and arranged to meet up.

** sorry, Intentionally shocking note. Wanted to send you a message, not accusation. Keep boundaries. It's the greatest gift you can give your hubbie!


----------



## ariel_angel77

My husband was fine with it. He was sitting right there while I texted the guy and I asked his permission for the guy to come over.


----------



## GusPolinski

ariel_angel77 said:


> Okay, small update.
> 
> So the ex-friend's husband messaged me recently and asked how I was doing. He said he understood if I didn't want to talk. I told him I didn't mind talking to him, but that his W had asked me not to, so I didn't want to cause any problems. He said she had left him a few weeks ago, so he didn't care what she thought.
> 
> We ended up texting for the rest of the night. We talked about why she left him (she said they were both unhappy and he was making her feel old) and how my H and I are, and also we talked about school and religion. We ended up making plans for him to come over the next night.
> 
> So he came over, and after we had been talking a while, he said "So, you have to answer this honestly, but W told me you let me know about the cheating because you are physically attracted to me. Is that true?" I was like....No...my reasons weren't that selfish. He said "I don't think it would have been selfish." So i really got the vibe that he was hitting on me. Luckily H came home from school just then, so I asked him if I could tell H what his W had said. He literally left within the second that I said that.
> 
> I really didn't expect that! You guys were right. Apparently he wanted "a shoulder to cry on."


Uhhh... It sounds like he was trying to engage you in a revenge affair. He may have even been lying about his wife having left him.


----------



## bfree

*Re: Re: Should I tell my friend's husband that she cheated on him?*



ariel_angel77 said:


> My husband was fine with it. He was sitting right there while I texted the guy and I asked his permission for the guy to come over.


I love good communication skills!


----------



## Q tip

ariel_angel77 said:


> My husband was fine with it. He was sitting right there while I texted the guy and I asked his permission for the guy to come over.


Well, it turns out you both were wrong about that. I think he's not to be trusted. Hope it won't happen again.

Have hubbie read up on MMSLP. Good for guys


----------



## OptimisticPessimist

I wouldnt be so much worried about my wife cheating as much as all the crazies running around out there. There was a story recently about a Marine that killed his AP (who was pregnant prolly with his child) and threw her to the bottom of a 140 foot mine shaft (!!).

If the guy isnt someone I know well, I wouldnt be comfortable with my kid and wife being in a secluded place (house) without me being there.


----------



## Healer

ariel_angel77 said:


> My husband was fine with it. He was sitting right there while I texted the guy and I asked his permission for the guy to come over.


Right, but it still turned into something inappropriate and dangerous, and it should've been obvious it would, is the point.

Not giving you sh!t, just saying I could see that coming, is all.


----------



## sandc

It's a good object lesson for future interactions with men. No matter what your intentions were, HE thought you were sending him signals.


----------



## turnera

sandc said:


> It's a good object lesson for future interactions with men. No matter what your intentions were, HE thought you were sending him signals.


Also a good time to learn that, whether they act on it or not, 85% of all men are looking at you and considering having sex with you. It's just what men do. Aside from more enlightened men such as come here, that's what you deal with every day.


----------



## EleGirl

ariel_angel77 said:


> Yep, I get that, H was going to school and daughter was present but I had no intention of anything happening, I'm not attracted to him in the slightest. I didn't think he would actually hit on me.


He did hit on you. That's what the question was all about. It was to let you know that he's willing to have an affair with you.


----------



## bfree

*Re: Re: Should I tell my friend's husband that she cheated on him?*



turnera said:


> Also a good time to learn that, whether they act on it or not, 85% of all men are looking at you and considering having sex with you. It's just what men do. Aside from more enlightened men such as come here, that's what you deal with every day.


Yeah, we are a pretty smart lot aren't we?


----------



## Openminded

The presence of your baby didn't give him pause but your husband coming home apparently scared him off. I doubt his wife told him that -- probably just fishing to see if you would bite.


----------



## The Middleman

ariel_angel77 said:


> Yep, I get that, H was going to school and daughter was present but I had no intention of anything happening, I'm not attracted to him in the slightest. I didn't think he would actually hit on me.



If I may make an old fashioned and possibly sexist comment: there is never a good reason for a married person to be alone talking about personal, if not intimate stuff with a member of the opposite sex (who isn't a blood relative) ... ever! You reacted perfectly, but you should never had been in that situation in the first place.


----------



## EleGirl

Angel is young.. she's living and learning.


----------



## MattMatt

turnera said:


> Also a good time to learn that, whether they act on it or not, 85% of all men are looking at you and considering having sex with you. It's just what men do. Aside from more enlightened men such as come here, that's what you deal with every day.


There's a difference between wanting to have sex with someone and acting upon that impulse/desire.


----------



## turnera

Exactly what _I_ said.


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## Machiavelli

ariel_angel77 said:


> Luckily H came home from school just then, so I asked him if I could tell H what his W had said. *He literally left within the second that I said that.*


The wicked flee when no man pursueth. — Prov. 28:1


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