# Will he ever want to have sex with me?



## imhereforadvice (Apr 11, 2011)

:scratchhead: I'm so confused. I feel like I look the best I've looked in my life... yet my husband couldn't care less. I'm 26... he's 30. I've posted about this before, but I'm really starting to wonder if this can actually be a "deal breaker". 

I need advice... if at 26 years old (and a 5 year marriage) should the sex already be boring, or even worse, nonexistent? :scratchhead: 

I want to have sex all the time lately, because of the fact that I haven't had sex for months. My husband would probably want to have sex once every 3 months if it were up to him. Me? Once every WEEK, at least. 

Am I alone here? Am I going crazy? I don't want to cheat on my husband, but if we already have more serious problems than sex, and sex is really important, how much longer can I go on like this?

Yes, going to attempt marriage counseling. Yes, tried the kinky outfits and they work when I try them on, but feel forced. I weigh 120 pounds, look great for my opinion, which is hard to say because I hardly have ANY self esteem, but the point is that I WANT TO BE WANTED, DESIRED, TOUCHED, LOOKED AT! Men look at me on the streets and it drives me crazy. Wish my husband would look at me. Doesn't help that a guy that I used to date is now single, and looks better than ever, urgh. Not gonna cheat... just saying... TEMPTATION SUCKS!!!!

Anyway... any advice would be much appreciated, as usual. Thank you.


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## Latinking (Nov 29, 2011)

I couldnt answer the poll, because it just out to come natural to want to be with your partner. I'm going through the same situation as you, but for me its only been a month. You said " I want to have sex all the time lately" Does that mean that He was trying to make an effort to be with you and you turned him down? I say that because I one day in laughing gesture told my wife, the reason we havent had sex is because you just turn me down. Then we both laugh, I laughed covering up the fact that it was really affecting me. Didnt wanna show my true feelings. and I also wasnt looking for an argument. I too feel as Cheating is not the answer, it just might make things worst for you. I guess I am just as confused as you, but wish you the best of luck on this issue. God Bless.


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## imhereforadvice (Apr 11, 2011)

Latinking, let me start off by saying thank you so much for your response. When I say that we haven't had sex in months means that neither of us have really tried to initiate anything. The last few times (or hundred times for that matter) I have been the one to initiate it. I hate it. It used to be a turn-on for me to sit on his lap and take my shirt off, or say some kinky joke to highten the mood. Now I just feel like it's required or something. Like I have to be the one to put on some outfit and walk in front of the damn TV to get his attention. Last summer I lost a bunch of weight and started dressing sexier - got no response. Now I'm still dressing nice, but I've been eating a lot more because of being depressed. Going to try and change that. But to be bluntly honest, I don't know that I've ever turned him down for sex, because I can't think of an instance in which he's wanted to (on his own, not from a guilt trip from me) and I've said no. Ever. 

In the beginning of our marriage we had sex weekly, but that was years ago, and I think it only lasted the first year or two, as most relationships tend to be the most "hot and heavy" at that time. I don't know. I used to think it was because he works so much, but when I see him spending his free time doing physically challenging activities, like basketball, I realize that that isn't the problem. I was sitting here wanting attention long before he signed up to play sports, so why didn't he want me then? He's playing sports less now, in fact not at all, so I thought things would change, but they haven't. 

Synthetic, thank you for the advice. I will look into that book. In the meanwhile I am reading a book called The Manipulative Man, and it really is hitting home. It describes all different styles of ways that men use manipulation to get what they want. My husband would be described as "The Workaholic" and "The Narcissist" combined. If the fact that my husband is narcissistic to some degree has anything to do with the fact that HE won't initiate sex, than this book is telling me that that will never change, and he will be incapable of loving me the way that I want him to. These self help books can really be helpful, but damn can they be trouble!  I would quote a few lines about narcissisim from the book, but I'd have to quote the entire chapter to describe my husband. It definitely was an eye-opener for me. I know he is somewhat selfish, self centered, egotistical, arrogant - but for some ODD reason the term narcissistic never came to mind. After reading into it, especially in a martial sense, it really does make sense. It just confuses me because he can also be so loving, selfless, thoughtful, and giving. So geez, who knows?!?!

My husband is a hard working nice man. He has great morals. Would never hit me. Loves me. But the problem here is that I feel like a kid sister or friend more than I feel like a wife. I want to feel the loving relationship of a best friend, like I do in him, but I also want for him to want me sexually, and to want to rip my clothes off from time to time (more than once every 3 months after my *****ing usually insues due to pure sexual frustration)! Is that so much to ask?!!? 


ThrowAway, I agree with what you proposed I propose  And I most certainly do feel that cheating is not necessary. I will not do it. Just having horrible temptation by the pure fact that I am extremely lonely (sexually, I suppose). Not to mention I feel like my mind is that of a teenage boy, super horny all the time and thinking about sex nonstop. I guess I am still in my twenties, my "prime", or whatever - and being denied at that time is emotionally difficult. As far as WHY he doesn't want to have sex with me? I truly wish I could answer that. He works 12 hour days and LOVES his job. Loves his sports. LOVES his video games. He just doesnt seem to want to put in much extra effort than that. I've talked to him about it several times. One time he said it was because I don't wear sexy outfits (lingerie) anymore, and that I don't give him oral anymore, on my own, first, without being asked or something. I found all of it to be bull**** excuses, because I truly have no problem wearing lingerie, own a ton, and have no problem giving me oral. I have literally never ever turned him down if he asks for it, but yes, I guess I have to admit that I dont just do it on my own all the time, without having been asked. I prefer to do it in the shower and sometimes that bothers him because he'd rather be in the bed. But again, having listed all of these things, please bare in mind that i have listened and altered each and every thing he's mentioned. I've worn the outfits more and had to walk out in front of the tv, and he was like, "oh, what, uh, what are you up to?" and im like "wearing this." and he's like "are you trying to tell me something?" and i felt like saying NO **** *******! I shouldnt even have to come in here and stand in front of the tv, u should see me walking into the kitchen to "get a drink" dressed like a ***** and know what's up! Haha, sorry. 

Anyway, he got off the couch that day and we did have sex, but it felt so forced. he didnt even look horny when he saw me, and probably preferred to watch tv, but knew id get mad and or cry had i of been turned down in that outfit. Also started giving him oral. Now? Now I dont feel like dressing up in lingerie. Now I dont feel like getting on my knees to be noticed. It feels dirty and wrong when it used to feel hot. Now I feel alone, ugly, unwanted - and I want someone to notice me. I am done taking the initiative when it doesnt seem to work for me. It just works for him.


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## New Day (Jan 10, 2012)

I dont know if this applies at all but im just tossing it out there because it applies to my situation and may want to ask yourself this question.
Wife and I had a good sex life going. Was not incredibly often but when we had sex, it was always awesome for both of us. Not unusual for her to brag to her friends openly that I always made sex "all about her". 
Once we started having problems - a lot of lack of communication stuff etc and resulted in built up resentment. She got in shape, I was spending a lot of time with the kids, she spent time with her girlfriends and new clothes. She i think has a mid life crisis thing going and part of that was seeking attention constantly and began to flirt too much and in my opinion over the line w other guys. Told her about this couple times. 
Her actions - this super flirting and her in my opinion just being very self centered these last 2 years has really pissed me off and despite the fact that she looks better now at the age of 42 then she ever has, does not matter. Actually pisses me off more and i see the ugly stuff and my sex drive with her went way down. There were definitely times where after an evening out and I just did not like how she acted while we were out, I turned her down for sex that evening. 
Again dont know if it applies but just ask yourself if you might be contributing to him not wanting sex as much from you.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

imhereforadvice, does your husband watch a lot of porn? There are similar stories to yours on this board and some of them were due to the fact that their husbands would rather watch porn then have sex with their wife. Just a thought.


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## Sick2003svtcobra (Jan 11, 2012)

karole said:


> imhereforadvice, does your husband watch a lot of porn? There are similar stories to yours on this board and some of them were due to the fact that their husbands would rather watch porn then have sex with their wife. Just a thought.


I agree with karole, Porn does nothing but hurt intimacy in a relationship. I found myself looking at it a little more than i was comfortable with so I put a stop to it. Hell there are even pages on twitter you can forllow from your phone that are updated hourly with sexy pics! So I stopped all together thinking it may help in my sittuation, it did not but I do feel better not looking at honestly. 

In regards to your post, I can relate completely. I was the only one ever initiating and it got to the point where it just seemed forced and awkward. So I actually gave up. There is no way to say this without sounding like a complete D-bag but oh well, I am a pretty atractive person, sharp, witty, good looking and work out all the time. My friends joke with me all the time and bust my chops but its all in good fun. I make eye to eye connections with alot of ladies when I'm out and about and it kills me that I cannot pursue. So like i said i can relate and i feel your pain.

With all that being said, I'm not even looking to mate right now, I would kill to have that exciting new romance, omg omg feeling again! Someday wether it's with my wife or post marriage I will have it again. Good luck


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## konkelvonk (Jul 11, 2013)

imhereforadvice said:


> Latinking, let me start off by saying thank you so much for your response. When I say that we haven't had sex in months means that neither of us have really tried to initiate anything. The last few times (or hundred times for that matter) I have been the one to initiate it. I hate it. It used to be a turn-on for me to sit on his lap and take my shirt off, or say some kinky joke to highten the mood. Now I just feel like it's required or something. Like I have to be the one to put on some outfit and walk in front of the damn TV to get his attention. Last summer I lost a bunch of weight and started dressing sexier - got no response. Now I'm still dressing nice, but I've been eating a lot more because of being depressed. Going to try and change that. But to be bluntly honest, I don't know that I've ever turned him down for sex, because I can't think of an instance in which he's wanted to (on his own, not from a guilt trip from me) and I've said no. Ever.
> 
> In the beginning of our marriage we had sex weekly, but that was years ago, and I think it only lasted the first year or two, as most relationships tend to be the most "hot and heavy" at that time. I don't know. I used to think it was because he works so much, but when I see him spending his free time doing physically challenging activities, like basketball, I realize that that isn't the problem. I was sitting here wanting attention long before he signed up to play sports, so why didn't he want me then? He's playing sports less now, in fact not at all, so I thought things would change, but they haven't.
> 
> ...


My wife is exactly like your husband. Why o Lord, Why?


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## Born Free (Apr 22, 2013)

Its not the sex you are missing, its beeing wanted. The problem is he holds all the cards. All he has to do is sit there and he gets what he wants ie nothing. You have to do all the work and you still don't get what you want because it feels like you have to "convince him" to have sex. I have the same problem with the wife :"You need to get me in the mood!". How about you being in the mood for once? It supposed to be fun and something people want to do, not something that people need convincing to do...


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Sorry you are here but we can help you I am going to ask some questions so we can see if it is just low drive or something else.

1. Does he look at porn?

2. Does he masturbate when he could have sex with you?

3. Do you have any other problems "stress, kid problems, financial"?


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