# Divorcing my Narcissist Wife



## pseudo-nymous (Nov 1, 2017)

*Divorcing my High-Conflict Wife*

To anyone looking to read only a fraction of a story about divorcing a possible narcissist. I leave this here for others to reference and perhaps prepare for a similar situation, if such a thing were even possible.

In my last post I was going through something ugly with my wife and mustered up the courage to declare to her that she was being emotionally abusive. She took a week to "research" online about being abusive and purchased 3 books that I'm sure she only read 2 pages of each. One of them was marriage counseling for us to which I responded that I was not ready and needed more time to think and cope with the pain. On the back of that same book she read out loud, "If you are in an abusive relationship, this book is not for you."

I did my research online and prepared the best way that I could, knowing her. The only way for me to get 50/50 custody of our children in order to co-parent like adults, have the divorce be mutual, property to be agreed upon (which isn't much) and take the least painful, least expensive route was to do what I did. She wanted the same thing. I asked her about have the divorce be mutual in writing, as well as joint custody of the children and split the property down the middle. She agreed.

I brought up the divorce to her several weeks ago on a Friday evening. I told her things will most likely not be the same and I've decided to take responsibility to look after the health and development of our children as well as my own health. Upon telling her that, for the next 2 hours she gave me a lecture. About how terrible her life has been since we've been married because of anxiety, depression, pregnancy, etc.

That entire weekend was ugly and nasty. That same day she called her mom and told her to buy a plane ticket for the following Sunday to take the kids back home. Unfortunately there was no stopping her.

Regarding the divorce, if I had shown any sort of resistance, such as hinting for sole custody, or if had I played on the offensive, she would've refused to sign and would 100% have fought me for sole custody of our daughter.

Since then she's blown up every single one of her social media accounts to blame every bit of this on me and turn everyone back home against me. That includes our 6 year old. Not including those who know me personally; they were not fooled by her sudden drastic claims.

Whenever I have to discuss an important issue with her, I do so through text messages. I still manage to receive responses that hold a seemingly disgusting attitude as inferred by how they are written; in addition to every other response saying, "A real man doesn't do this. A real husband doesn't do this. They don't break promises or hurt me or abandon the kids. It's not my fault you're depressed. It's not my fault you're alone. It's not my fault you chose this. It's not my fault you let us get on a plane and leave. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. You never took my feelings or the kids feelings into account during all this. I don't trust you, and I'm not obliged to. You were abusive. Everyone I talked to says this is normal and what every marriage goes through."

1.) She spent so much time painting me black to hundreds of people that she convinced herself I was the abusive one, and that "she was never abusive and she doesn't blame herself for her actions." She purchased books online on her own so that she could improve her abusive behavior yet she now firmly denies it and instead says I was abusive.

2.) If that's what a normal marriage is, count me and the children out. I don't believe that is a healthy relationship and you would be hard-pressed to convince me otherwise. Her mother told me to watch how I use the word abuse because she was in an abusive relationship for over a decade. She dismissed my concerns as, essentially, every couple goes through it.

I explained to my spouse that one day I took the time to research "child growth development in abusive relationships" after talking with my therapist about it. I said this sincere and neutral in response to one of her messages. Her response, "That's ridiculous".

We are at the point now where when I text her to talk with my oldest daughter (my step-daughter), her response is, "She doesn't want to talk to you. She's angry and upset, I've already told you this. It's not my fault. You chose this. You broke promises." Before she took the kids and left, she would whisper things to our 6 year old about the situation that a child should not be told. Our daughter would then come up to me asking me to fix things because mommy is sad and I need to keep a promise. It was painful hearing that and knowing I'm not able and should not tell her the details. I would always respond that she should not worry about any of this at her age; she's too young but one day I'll tell her; until then we're still a family, I'm still her dad and mom is still her mom and we still love her.

Next Friday I'm driving 21hrs to drop off her vehicle because her mother mentioned it would help. Since my spouse makes decisions on her own and I know there's no way she would come back, the most I can do is to make sure my daughters have what they need because of the sudden move. I would like to see them both that weekend because my sister is also coming down from a long way to have her kids spend time with mine.

During any barrage of text messages written with her emotions, I'm not able to express how or what I feel because she genuinely does not seem to care; she'll respond immediately with "That's your fault." As in, because I decided a divorce was best for our situation, that caused her to decide to leave and would only stay if I had called off the divorce.

I now have to spend time seeing the girls at her parents house while she's not there but with her parents who have listened to a month's worth of false claims and *perhaps* stand by their daughter's malignant and vindictive actions; though they may not realize it. I really hate to say it but it just might be very uncomfortable. I don't think anyone would feel comfortable in a situation where the people around them only know misconstrued details about their situation, but they would never attempt to discuss the details to clarify so as to remain respectful.

This is the most difficult thing I've ever had to go through. It hasn't even been a month yet and this is going to be longer than 12 months. I had expected more mature behavior on my wife's part. I wish dearly that we could co-parent together as mature adults and make decisions that our in the best interest of our daughter.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

There is a lesson here........don't get married again. You will get through this and you will ultimately be ok but it's going to sting for a while.


----------



## pseudo-nymous (Nov 1, 2017)

Betrayedone said:


> There is a lesson here........don't get married again. You will get through this and you will ultimately be ok but it's going to sting for a while.


Believe me I'm not interested. Thank you, my friend. Also that's one hard sting. She responded with 100% none of this is her fault, she was never abusive, she can't wait for me to get into a relationship and have this happen all over again, I apparently contradict myself because nothing makes sense. AKA her potential BPD absolutely refuses to believe what's real over her fantasy.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The only thing that matters is what the law says in your state and what the family court accepted practices are in your area.

BPD or NPD are pretty good in projecting so it's not uncommon to see your experience.


----------



## Hexagon (Jun 20, 2017)

I have a undiagnosed NPD and diagnosed BPD ex. 
She is quite possibly the most unpleseant human to have ever lived. Hitler was probably a better person to have a conversation with. 
It wont get any easier and I hate to say it. Simple things that I need to discuss with her regarding our daughter is hell. You can only keep conversations to a minimum but if you share a child, you have to occassionally speak. 

The way I deal with it is acknowledging to myself that she is just a miserable piece of ****. A drowning piece of **** at that. If you get too close to help, she'll drag you down too. Keep your distance.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You allowed your estranged wife to take off with your children to another state. You screwed yourself royally by letting that happen. Now you are going to have to fight for pretty much the rest of your life for your children.


----------



## Vespil (May 21, 2018)

You don't make it clear where your depression comes from but in that regard your wife is correct- that's not her fault.

Also you've been married twice prior to the age of 22, is that right?

You are rushing things in your life and creating unnecessary pressure that would make many people struggle.


----------



## pseudo-nymous (Nov 1, 2017)

Hexagon said:


> It wont get any easier and I hate to say it. Simple things that I need to discuss with her regarding our daughter is hell. You can only keep conversations to a minimum but if you share a child, you have to occassionally speak.


A question for you if I may. Did you ever miss what you had in regards to the few good moments you both had with each other, if any? I'm fairly new to this but if so, I'd presume it's normal to have this feelings?



3Xnocharm said:


> You allowed your estranged wife to take off with your children to another state. You screwed yourself royally by letting that happen. Now you are going to have to fight for pretty much the rest of your life for your children.


I know there is no resistance from her side when it comes to agreeing to joint custody for our newborn. At last I hope there isn't any resistance. Although the more time passes and the worse her behavior gets, the more I think about asking for more than 50% so that our daughter can primarily live with me yet retain a healthy relationship with her mother with no risk of being exposed to her behavior.



Vespil said:


> You don't make it clear where your depression comes from but in that regard your wife is correct- that's not her fault.
> 
> Also you've been married twice prior to the age of 22, is that right?
> 
> You are rushing things in your life and creating unnecessary pressure that would make many people struggle.


The depression or rather intense feelings of disappointment comes from the emotional/mental abuse from near the dawn of our marriage combined with the sudden unexpected change.

This is my only time being married. Never been married before. And yes I did realize not too long ago that I perhaps made a bad decision in life and am now facing the repercussions. A life lesson learned with no intention of replicating these events in the future.


----------



## Vespil (May 21, 2018)

This is my only time being married. Never been married before. And yes I did realize not too long ago that I made a bad decision in life and now am facing the repercussions. Big lesson learned with no intention of replicating these events in the future.[/QUOTE]

Sorry I misread some of your earlier posts. Still way too much too soon, she became pregnant with your first child within the first year of your marriage and you were both young. 

Anyway the stage was set for extreme pressure and it appears both of you are buckling under the stress of it all. Sorry it's happening to you and there's no easy way out of it given the circumstances.


----------



## Ltdan459 (May 10, 2018)

Wow how old are you like your story is similar to mine if you ever read my story on this site its the same if not a little less then what i went through with my ex.and I'm 27. Me and my ex had our 1 of our 3 kids right after high school and my ex was also verbally, emotionally heck even physically abusive. She still is to this day. She blames me for all our problems even her own she blamed me for her cheating. I keep asking my self what the hell was i thinking to be with her but I will tell you this fight for 50/50 it best to fight for full. Luckley I got 50/50 by a pro 50/50 judge. But I won't lie he just happen to hear our cace because the last judge was out on an emergancey but boy I went though he'll in court so much I won't fight a traffic ticket just so I don't step foot in to a court house again. 

Just reading your story brought back old bad memories just smoked half a pack after reading this. You need to be strong I feel for you my ex was so FED up to me she kept me away from my 2 daughters before our son for 3 months just because I left her and her abusive family I was living with. I went to court in 2013 to fight for my 2 girls and me and my ex reconciled but short lived because we ended back in court in 20 wow 2015 it's pulling up 3 years now. But I feel you I to was depressed in our relationship she always had control on everything still dose in some way but I have to stop it. Anyway I know what you are going for . If you have a Facebook look up the fathers rights movement page. You can get a lot of help.

Once you get 50/50 heck what ever you can get hug your children they need a good parent spend time with them my kids helped me though tough times even right now . Stay strong.


----------



## Ltdan459 (May 10, 2018)

Had to reread the part about child support yea my ex did that just to kick me while I was already on the grown. I still HAD to deal with the cheating the court s the separation. Yea F our exes screw them go full cousdoty on her A....


----------



## custommultirotor (Feb 13, 2018)

Wow. This goes to prove 1 thing. Right when you think you have the worst situation, someone tells you crap like this. Wish you well mate. Gods speed to you in moving forward. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


----------



## Dr.D (Mar 2, 2012)

Sorry late to the conversation...2 years later. Wow, I just saw this. I told my NPD wife (not diagnosed, but all the signs including some BPD signs) that I wanted a divorce. We did counseling and it was not helpful. Counselor even started to buy into her story after a while. 

My wife would buy all the books (lots of books) but never follow through with anything. Have a library of self help emotional, financial and such books, many Christian based. She wanted divorce off the table really before working on anything and ultimately weaponized our late teen/yiung adult children somewhat against me...all of whom have had their own screwed uo relationship with a cold mother who uses things and situations to manipulate, tiangulate and who has gaslighted them their whole lives. 

Now my teen daughter is being used against me and it is so painful. My daughter caters to the manipulative, codependent mother while she keeps me at distance. 

Hope things worked out for you.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Zombie thread.


----------

