# Just looking for opinions



## Linds90 (13 d ago)

Going through divorce, I caught my stbxh having an affair with a lady at work. He turned nasty, he got physical , I had broken bones ect. It was ugly. But something he said really stuck with me , as silly as it seems and I’m just wanting opinions on it. 
I work full time , but did not make as much as he did. I always made sure the house chores were done, managed the $, ect. So Iwasn’t just sitting on the couch all day , but during this process he has said “it’s vindictive of me to expect anything in divorce as I had no hand in acquiring them”. Over 11 years together I had 2 occasions of not working 1. Was to help take care of my grandma while she was I’ll, and when we first moved into the home we bought. It was a great deal away from where I was working and he asked me to quit, and then once our home projects and settling in were done to go back to work. That’s what I did. Before that it’s, you don’t have to work your times more valuable at home ect. Ijust don’t understand that mind set any opinions?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Linds90 said:


> Going through divorce, I caught my stbxh having an affair with a lady at work. He turned nasty, he got physical , I had broken bones ect. It was ugly. But something he said really stuck with me , as silly as it seems and I’m just wanting opinions on it.
> I work full time , but did not make as much as he did. I always made sure the house chores were done, managed the $, ect. So Iwasn’t just sitting on the couch all day , but during this process he has said “it’s vindictive of me to expect anything in divorce as I had no hand in acquiring them”. Over 11 years together I had 2 occasions of not working 1. Was to help take care of my grandma while she was I’ll, and when we first moved into the home we bought. It was a great deal away from where I was working and he asked me to quit, and then once our home projects and settling in were done to go back to work. That’s what I did. Before that it’s, you don’t have to work your times more valuable at home ect. Ijust don’t understand that mind set any opinions?


talk to a good divorce legal team and let them show him , he is just playing you down and means nothing , hope you went to a doctor and have records of all he did and called the cops


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## Linds90 (13 d ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> talk to a good divorce legal team and let them show him , he is just playing you down and means nothing , hope you went to a doctor and have records of all he did and called the cops


Idk why that stupid comment after everything has stuck with me, just bugs me that he thinks so little of me I guess 😂


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Tell him your broken bones and beatings entitle you to compensation. Ask him if OW knows or would care to know he’s an abusive douche


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I am sorry if I gave you bad advice but it is worth what you pay for it , but My name is Paddy so I must be stupid ,I will mind my own next time wish you well and hope you bones set ,


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Bones set and heal.
Minds, they tear, rarely rupture; they never quite heal, nor should, when thinking about him, and him alone.

Bones set, and heal.
Your husband is an oaf, a clod, a heel, a bully narcissist, look-alike.

You must be totally bad for him to own, even a shreds-worth of good.

Madness is real, _you have met him_, up close, the heel he really is.



_The Typist-_


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

After the appalling way he has treated you you deserve far more than him. I hope you reported him to the police after that terrible assault. 
Whether you worked full time, part time, looked after the home or cared for an elderly relative, it was ALL important. 

Ignore what this cheating abuser says and get a good lawyer.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Borderline personality disorder*
People with borderline personality disorder often have unstable personal relationships. It can also affect the way you view yourself. Symptoms include:


impulsive behavior
chronic feelings of emptiness
chronic feelings of abandonment
*intense episodes of anger*
*reckless behavior*
People with this disorder may also display suicidal behaviors.

*Narcissistic personality disorder*
People with this personality disorder believe they are superior to others. Symptoms include:


extremely negative reactions to criticism
elevated sense of self-importance
preoccupation with grandiose thoughts of success
excessive need for admiration
*strong sense of entitlement*
People with this disorder often show a lack of empathy and may exploit personal relationships to elevate their self-image.

.......................................................................................................

Many people exhibit some of these symptoms in some form or another, and are not classified as Cluster B types.

Only a certified psychologist or psychiatrist can make this determination using the  Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5),


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Linds90 said:


> Going through divorce, I caught my stbxh having an affair with a lady at work. He turned nasty, he got physical , I had broken bones ect. It was ugly. But something he said really stuck with me , as silly as it seems and I’m just wanting opinions on it.
> I work full time , but did not make as much as he did. I always made sure the house chores were done, managed the $, ect. So Iwasn’t just sitting on the couch all day , but during this process he has said “it’s vindictive of me to expect anything in divorce as I had no hand in acquiring them”. Over 11 years together I had 2 occasions of not working 1. Was to help take care of my grandma while she was I’ll, and when we first moved into the home we bought. It was a great deal away from where I was working and he asked me to quit, and then once our home projects and settling in were done to go back to work. That’s what I did. Before that it’s, you don’t have to work your times more valuable at home ect. Ijust don’t understand that mind set any opinions?


My opinion is this:
He didn’t ask for your opinion on banging the lady at work///. Don’t worry about his opinion when divorcing him. You were in A marriage where all your hopes and dreams were invested in him. By breaking his vows and forcing you to divorce him, he has destroyed your lifelong plans. You are entitled to half. Feel no Guilt by taking the half. 
He’s wrong in numerous ways


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Linds90 said:


> Idk why that stupid comment after everything has stuck with me, just bugs me that he thinks so little of me I guess 😂


He might not think so little of you after you file a police report on the domestic violence. I assume you haven’t yet, since somebody would have already been working with you to leave this guy and get a restraining order in place. I would hope.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

During the time you were together, you decided each others part in the marriage. _That_ was the time for him to express dissatisfaction about who payed for what. Now? His opinion about anything doesn’t count. 

Don’t believe a word he says. If he wasn’t being mean about this issue then it would just be something else. Don’t let him get to you.

And going forward, don’t give him power over your happiness. The man is your enemy now. Don’t let him effect you.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> I am sorry if I gave you bad advice but it is worth what you pay for it , but My name is Paddy so I must be stupid ,I will mind my own next time wish you well and hope you bones set ,


Nah Paddy, you took OP reply wrong. “Stupid comment” meant the comment from her ex, and her ex thinks so little of her. Your comment was spot on and OP was agreeing.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Nah Paddy, you took OP reply wrong. “Stupid comment” meant the comment from her ex, and her ex thinks so little of her. Your comment was spot on and OP was agreeing.


NO POINT IN BEEN A PADDY AND NOT PROVING IT lol


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You wanted him to appreciate you and your efforts but he didn’t because he’s probably not capable of it. As for “his” assets he’ll find that’s not the case.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

they are going through a divorce , I don't think people that love each other get a divorce , it is normal for the two to pull the other person down , they often use their kids in their childish games 
not many act as grown up at the time of divorce , it has a way of bringing the worst out of the best people never mind sick feckers that can beat a woman so much that they brake bones , 
it is why I say let the experts do the talking for you if he comes near you I am suprised he is even let near enough to talk to you , if it was me i would have a baring order against him and make him send any messages through your legal office ,


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Linds90 said:


> Going through divorce, I caught my stbxh having an affair with a lady at work. He turned nasty, he got physical , I had broken bones ect. It was ugly. But something he said really stuck with me , as silly as it seems and I’m just wanting opinions on it.
> I work full time , but did not make as much as he did. I always made sure the house chores were done, managed the $, ect. So Iwasn’t just sitting on the couch all day , but during this process he has said “it’s vindictive of me to expect anything in divorce as I had no hand in acquiring them”. Over 11 years together I had 2 occasions of not working 1. Was to help take care of my grandma while she was I’ll, and when we first moved into the home we bought. It was a great deal away from where I was working and he asked me to quit, and then once our home projects and settling in were done to go back to work. That’s what I did. Before that it’s, you don’t have to work your times more valuable at home ect. Ijust don’t understand that mind set any opinions?


Just remember, that comment came from a huge asshole that thinks it is okay to physically harm his wife. Nothing he says is worth listening too. 

In my marriage of 32 years my wife has gone from a full time paycheck, to working as a stay at home mom and back to working in a full time job once the kids were old enough. At this point I make more that 10x what she makes, yet I've told her time and time again that we both earned that income. In my mind that is how marriage works. We are a team. If, God forbid, our team gets broken up (divorce) she deserves an equal share.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Linds90 said:


> Going through divorce, I caught my stbxh having an affair with a lady at work. He turned nasty, he got physical , *I had broken bones ect. It was ugly*. But something he said really stuck with me , as silly as it seems and *I’m just wanting opinions on it.*
> I work full time , but did not make as much as he did. I always made sure the house chores were done, managed the $, ect. So Iwasn’t just sitting on the couch all day , but during this process he has *said “it’s vindictive of me to expect anything in divorce as I had no hand in acquiring them”*. Over 11 years together I had 2 occasions of not working 1. Was to help take care of my grandma while she was I’ll, and when we first moved into the home we bought. It was a great deal away from where I was working and he asked me to quit, and then once our home projects and settling in were done to go back to work. That’s what I did. Before that it’s, you don’t have to work your times more valuable at home ect. Ijust don’t understand that mind set *any opinions?*





Linds90 said:


> Idk why that stupid comment after everything has stuck with me, *just bugs me that he thinks so little of me* I guess 😂


First things first, in the USA, where you seem to be from, marital property has a legal definition no matter what you STBX thinks or says. If he says this again to you, and you are in a public setting where you are safe and can walk away safely (say a court) you can just ask him to "tell it to the judge and see what the judge thinks." I can assure you that the judge will give you a fair share of the community property in a long term marriage.

I would also suggest that you ask your attorney for more than just your fair share of the community property. I would suggest that you ask for some on-going therapy (either physical or mental) associated with the trauma of his breaking your bones. I would further suggest that you get a no contact order or restraining order so he legally can't get near you. Maybe even ask the judge to force him to go through an anger management course.

Finally, I would urge caution on filing a police report. If you do that, you could obtain a *pyrrhic* *victory*. He might loose his job, fail to make house or other payments, ruin your combined credit rating and not be able to pay his fair share of alimony. You need to be careful for what you ask. Good legal counsel is very important.

Get as far away from him as possible. A man who cheats, beats up a wife who won't stand for cheating, doesn't live up to his legal obligations to his wife......is just plan scum. You are lucky to be rid of him, but *you have no obligation to go easy on him*.

Good luck and get some serious trauma counseling.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

. His comment was designed to belittle you and hurt you. From your posts, it seems very obvious to me that you are so much better than him and I think he is fully aware of that. Stay strong, believe in yourself and remember just how much you did bring to this relationship. 

You are entitled to a fair and just settlement which, in my opinion should be increased to recognise the additional physical and verbal abuse you had to endure. Please do not let him intimidate you into accepting less, no matter how hard that may be and when you may feel it would be just easier to let him win.

Very sorry that you are in this situation but I think you will emerge from this in to a better life and you are certainly better off without him.

Above all, even if you choose to take no action over historic abuse, please do not put up with any further abuse and speak to your lawyer about communicating with you stbx, restraining orders etc.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

He's an ass and a dipsht. Asses and dipshts say a lot of stupid stuff because they're stupid. 

Don't pay any mind to what comes out of his mouth because everything coming out of his mouth is just a bunch of crap.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

The point that I am angry with you is that you are an adult and you did not show him in 11 years with clear boundaries that your husband cannot inflict physical violence on you for any reason.

go to the lawyer, pass the evidence, ignore his threats and involve the police, talk to your husband in text messages, pass it on to your lawyer if he insults you.

he will say a lot of nonsense, you don't need to listen, trust yourself, you will meet better people and live a good life.


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## JLCP (Aug 18, 2021)

Make sure you file a Police Report and that all details are recorded and made a record of in the report. Review what the police are writing on the report as they have been known to leave important details out. Or better yet, ask your attorney’s assistance in making sure a thorough police report is filed. You will need the Police Report if you decide to file criminal or civil charges. 

After the divorce is finalized, you can file civil suit for damages from the assault. It might be best to wait until after the divorce is complete to do this. of note is that if he has any idea you might pursue this he will drag out the divorce, drastically increasing the legal fees. So, it is best to not talk to anyone except your Atty about possibly pursuing a civil suit. I know insurance companies will typically award 2-3 times the amount of the medical bills for an award for pain and suffering. Of note is that some ppl are likely advised by their attorney to exhaustively seek medical treatment with the goal of running up the medical bills, which results in higher pain & suffering settlement $. My guess is the courts would do something similar, perhaps with a different formula. Here is some info on civil suits- The Victim's Right To Civil Damages for Assault

The courts have a usual way of dividing marital property. Do not listen to him. He will have little or no say at all in how it is dispersed. However, note that Judges are human and can be influenced. I think you need to make sure the judge has knowledge about his physical assault of you. In this situation, I would predict you would get more than what is usually awarded. While it is doubtful that you can ask for division of property based on his violence, you could very nicely ask the judge to take it into consideration. 

Lastly, I suggest you consider moving out of state because abusers tend to come after their victims again. Please keep yourself safe and do not let him know where you are living. 




Linds90 said:


> Going through divorce, I caught my stbxh having an affair with a lady at work. He turned nasty, he got physical , I had broken bones ect. It was ugly. But something he said really stuck with me , as silly as it seems and I’m just wanting opinions on it.
> I work full time , but did not make as much as he did. I always made sure the house chores were done, managed the $, ect. So Iwasn’t just sitting on the couch all day , but during this process he has said “it’s vindictive of me to expect anything in divorce as I had no hand in acquiring them”. Over 11 years together I had 2 occasions of not working 1. Was to help take care of my grandma while she was I’ll, and when we first moved into the home we bought. It was a great deal away from where I was working and he asked me to quit, and then once our home projects and settling in were done to go back to work. That’s what I did. Before that it’s, you don’t have to work your times more valuable at home ect. Ijust don’t understand that mind set any opinions?


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## JLCP (Aug 18, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> First things first, in the USA, where you seem to be from, marital property has a legal definition no matter what you STBX thinks or says. If he says this again to you, and you are in a public setting where you are safe and can walk away safely (say a court) you can just ask him to "tell it to the judge and see what the judge thinks." I can assure you that the judge will give you a fair share of the community property in a long term marriage.
> 
> I would also suggest that you ask your attorney for more than just your fair share of the community property. I would suggest that you ask for some on-going therapy (either physical or mental) associated with the trauma of his breaking your bones. I would further suggest that you get a no contact order or restraining order so he legally can't get near you. Maybe even ask the judge to force him to go through an anger management course.
> 
> ...


What about just filing the report without pressing charges? Couldn’t she just tell police she does not want to press charges?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

JLCP said:


> What about just filing the report without pressing charges? Couldn’t she just tell police she does not want to press charges?


That is an option, but it could get complicated quicly. Again, I honestly don't think the local DA would take it to court. I also think that if it did go to court, and he was put in jail for physically harming her the financial damages to the OP could be overwhelming.



> After you file a report with the police department, the decision to press charges is often out of your hands. The government, either a local, state or federal branch, brings charges against an individual based on your report and decides which charges will go forward. In many instances, this allows law enforcement to protect domestic violence and other crime victims who may experience trepidation about moving forward with a case and feel threatened to drop a complaint.


filing a police report vs pressing charges


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

Linds90 said:


> Going through divorce, I caught my stbxh having an affair with a lady at work. He turned nasty, he got physical , I had broken bones ect. It was ugly. But something he said really stuck with me , as silly as it seems and I’m just wanting opinions on it.
> I work full time , but did not make as much as he did. I always made sure the house chores were done, managed the $, ect. So Iwasn’t just sitting on the couch all day , but during this process he has said “it’s vindictive of me to expect anything in divorce as I had no hand in acquiring them”. Over 11 years together I had 2 occasions of not working 1. Was to help take care of my grandma while she was I’ll, and when we first moved into the home we bought. It was a great deal away from where I was working and he asked me to quit, and then once our home projects and settling in were done to go back to work. That’s what I did. Before that it’s, you don’t have to work your times more valuable at home ect. Ijust don’t understand that mind set any opinions?


The moment you marry, if you pass the lawful standard of cohabitation in terms of asset division, everything that you accumulated since being married is generally split 50-50. Unless he sells everything for a song, that is how a judge will rule how assets should be divided. The only exception being that a couple may come to a private agreement as to how the assets are divided, such as one getting the house and taking a penalty on all other assets.

Unless he has moved offshore with his assets and cannot be found, that's generally how it goes.
Start getting it documented the physical violence.


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