# Abandoned & depressed



## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

I hope nobody judges me for my poor decisions in the past and would like to receive some objective advice and encouragement... this will be a LONG post, I hope somebody reads it as I feel so alone, nobody can relate to me and I feel as though people here might. 

I was with my husband for 2 years, married only 7 months, I am 24 he is 21. We fell madly in love within a short span of time and he moved in within a month of dating. I would describe our relationship as relatively co-dependent but I enjoyed how close and transparent I thought we were. The beginning of our relationship I was a wreck, verbally abusive and on occasion physically, no excuses for my behaviour. I had very low self-esteem and lashed out on him to feel better about myself and was very controlling. I hated his family as they came in between us, he talked a lot of **** about them too, this all caused them to have a strained relationship. Aside from the fights I had started, we had a very loving relationship, he was the sweetest person ever & for once in my life I felt truly loved. So our relationship basically fluctuated from 100% to 0% when we fought. I have no idea why he even chose to be with me in the beginning when I was such a bully.

Fast forward, we got married & I got pregnant. My family were not pleased as while he seemed like a nice boy, he was only 21, uneducated & could not keep a stable job. We moved in with my parents who supported him and paid for his education (diploma) whilst I, pregnant, started work at a makeup counter. I took a year break from university to focus on the baby.

I believed I got better as I stopped being abusive & picking up fights, and was very frugal, I worked about 6 times a week and studied for a part time diploma in between. We barely argued anymore. He on the other hand got very lazy, always on video games and failed several exams. I would nag at him often but didn't realise then it was anything serious :/ I got him an easy part time job which he dreaded going to. I made sure we went out weekly & I thought we were happy. He told me daily how much he loved me & was happy. Barely any sex though during the last trimester (sex drive killed).

After I gave birth, we had a shock when we realised how much work and care a baby needed. I mostly took care of her whilst I urged him to study and work while he could. He had only changed her diapers 3 times since birth. It was very stressful for us. I caught him pretending to study and hiding his phone which really angered me. We got into an argument but I let it go and all was well. 2 days later he had a resit and I took the time to go over his mock paper when I realised he had totally not studied for the later part of the subject. I blew up and called him names like stupid, useless, mentally retarded which I so now regret. I was so frustrated that he was being so irresponsible. He then left for his exam.

An hour later I received a message that he was leaving me. I went crazy, begged him, got angry, threats, bargaining you name it. He never came back to the house to even say bye to our girl or pick up his things (she was 3 weeks old!!). Instead he called his parents up & fed them with lies that my family mistreated him and that I hit him daily lol, stole his belongings so he had to run away. His parents bought him a ticket home to the UK with an emergency pass. He told them all the intimate details of our relationship and laughed at how desperate I was for him (I was Miserable!) He had blocked me off everywhere and had already started romancing girls online.

I tried reaching out to him but got blocked again and he would blame me for everything in anger, told me I was horrible to him and bringing up the past before we got married. Seemingly forgetting all the good that happened. We did not contact for almost a month until I reached out & we are on OK terms now.

He now says he is depressed and misses his daughter dearly hmm...I did beg for him back and he told me he couldn't forgive all the abuse from last year. Weird how he didnt care before n now suddenly he does. I know for a fact he didnt have another woman and doesnt. Now he says he misses me sometimes but it probably won't work out. 

I asked him to please just give me an answer, if its over and I will file for divorce or to try to work things out. He said he needed time and didn't know. It's been 2.5 months since his departure and we would have short convos via text maybe weekly, sometimes upon him initiating which is a start...his replies are always delayed though. I told him I would change and have already gone through therapy to address my issues and anger. I am depressed, lonely but still have to be strong for my daughter. Plus I have exams next month, while god knows what he is doing. Up until now he says he doesnt know. Why won't he even try to give things a chance & work it out or try counselling  

So my question is, is he even considering reconciliation or is he leading me on and maybe using me as Plan B? Is it even worth waiting for a guy like that who abandoned his wife & kid 3 weeks after birth?? His pay is in a week so I am waiting to see what happens. I am also returning to his city for uni exams but I will not seek him out & push him away... my emotions swing from accepting what happened to being depressed, even considering suicide. I have no friends, my family are amazing but don't understand me emotionally. I never signed up to be a single mother & now my family is broken, marriage over when it barely even started... please help


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When a person's words do not match their actions, always believe their actions.

His actions pretty much indicate that he's gone and not coming back. It also sounds like he might have no intent to even help you financially with your baby. So you probably need to file for divorce. Can you get child support if he lives in a different country?

You clearly need to go to counseling to change. Your behavior while with him was horrid. I can understand why he would leave. You cannot treat a person that way and expect them to stay. You say that you completed counseling???? It takes a lot more than a few months of counseling to figure out why you would treat him like that and to learn how to never do that again.

Did you abuse him when you were living with your family? If so, how did your family react to your mistreatment of him?

Plus, he's very young and clearly too immature for a marriage. 

As I said earlier, you probably need to file for divorce. You could always get back with him later if BOTH of you work to fix your issues.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Thank you for your input. No, while living with my parents I had stopped the abuse but in the beginning I stirred up petty fights occasionally, to which my parents Always took his side. He got complacent and start badmouthing me to them, which my parents hid from me because I was pregnant... 

I find it odd that during my abusive period he was actually a lot more attentive and caring than when I had started to become better.

You're right change does not happen overnight, which is why I told him I will continue with the counselling and also for us to do marriage counselling to sort out our issues. His response is always " I don't know". Just frustrated why he wouldn't tell me to leave him alone if he for sure wants a divorce, I'm left with false hope constantly. His family have not reached out to offer any help or try to be a part of their grandchild's life it's really sad ...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sounds greatly like you married an immature boy rather than a budding young family man, whose family has unfortunately shown itself to be just about as immature!

It's all too apparent that "the acorn hasn't fallen too far from the tree!"*


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

"I don't know " is as good as saying "no." 

He could stay indecisive for months or years for all you know. If he needs time to decide beyond 5 minutes about whether to be with his wife and child, then it means he doesn't want to be... Or he'd be there with you already. 

You both made some large mistakes. You seem to be maturing from them and learning, but he obviously wasn't ready to be a husband or father... Or adult. He has little ambition... Maybe he is just not there yet in his life. Maybe he'll never be.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Thanks haha I needed that. Idk, I feel like a horrible person for what I did & I told him several times how sorry I was & it didn't bother him before because he knew I had issues & he "love me". My psychiatrist thinks I have borderline personality. 

My parents who are usually harsh on me (tough love approach) even admitted that I had improved tremendously & was treating him well. I still blame myself for everything & his family must think I am horrible, while they insist that their son is the perfect catch. Why do I care what other they think of me so much.

While I have been a monster in the past, I am trying to better myself & admit my mistakes but he seems to think he was perfect throughout the entire relationship. Sigh.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Thank you Satya. I think being involved with him gave me blinders & I ignored the red flags like his lack of ambition & immaturity. He was the only one I had truly fallen in love with & I thought he could do no wrong. Ah how naive I was & still am.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Louise McCann said:


> Thank you Satya. I think being involved with him gave me blinders & I ignored the red flags like his lack of ambition & immaturity. He was the only one I had truly fallen in love with & I thought he could do no wrong. Ah how naive I was & still am.


*Unfortunately, we all find ourselves getting that way from time to time, more especially in matters of perceived love!

It seems to be one of life's many painful but sobering lessons!*


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Reading your last post... 
Did his parents say things to you like, you would be so good for him? That's a giant red flag if they did. It means they knew he needed straightening out and were hoping you'd do it. That's not your job, people rarely change unless they are strongly motivated to.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Hi Louise, this is one of those life moments when you find out what you and he are made of. I'm sure that it's painful and scary, but you need to look inside yourself and find your courage and strength. (And you can be strong and courageous and still feel like curling up and dying. Courage is gritting your teeth and keeping going).

Yes you married too young, and for not the best reasons, and had a kid too early. Both of you have made mistakes, and both of you have hurt each other. But you have a daughter, and none of this is her fault. And lots of people make mistakes, then realise they have done so and find ways to do better. 

FWIW, when I was 21 and married, my wife's family would probably have described me in much the same way as you have described your husband. My wife and I are still together, our kids are adults now, and things have turned out pretty well. It doesn't work out for everyone, but it worked out for us, in part because we made it. So I know you can make your current situation work, maybe. You have problems, but don't giver up.

My suggestion for how to approach this:

1) Decide that your first priority is your daughter. (It's totally your choice, but if that is not the case, none of what i write will make sense.)

2) Decide whether you want to try and fix things with your partner, and if so what fixing things looks like. And also decide what life will look like if he doesn't come back or step up and do his duty. (Because you can't control him, you have a daughter to raise, and you need to have options either way). 

3) Don't beg or plead. Tell him what you require of him, and that you are going to assume he is not going to be around until he demonstrates otherwise. By all means discuss. Adapt your thinking around what he thinks, find common ground and so on. But until such time as he starts working with you, you need to assume he is not going to and get on with life on your "I am not married" plan. You need to prove you can do this.

4) If you can, identify alternate support systems for if he isn't around. Young kids are hard work and if support is available, take it.

5) He is allowed to struggle, stumble, and make mistakes, because he is young. So are you. But you both still need to look after your child. And I would suggest that, if he comes back, you are cautious. He may come back then leave again. Don't take him for granted, and don't become too reliant on him until you have reason to be confident he will be there for a while. 

6) Own your mistakes, and fix them. Do that for you, regardless of whether he comes back. 

Thinking of you as you go through this. Don't lose heart. I promise you it can get better. It did for me. But the start is to show the world you can do this.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *Unfortunately, we all find ourselves getting that way from time to time, more especially in matters of perceived love!
> 
> It seems to be one of life's many painful but sobering lessons!*


In my experience, peoples' fundamental nature stays pretty constant, but as they mature they can sometimes make very different decisions.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Wow thanks a lot @Wazza for the insight, though it breaks my heart that at 21x you were able to step up and be the parent your kids needed, but not my husband. Was it hard at first and did you have your fair share of arguments?
He hasn't even called once/asked to video call to see his daughter and only the occasional text. While he is now overseas, my university is in his city so I will have to relocate there again, but only next year. 

How could I try to work things out with him when he is only semi-contactable (takes days to reply to a text), & is unsure of what he wants. I will be in his city for 2 weeks for exams, should I reach out to him then? Since I will be relocating only next year & our daughter would already be 10 months' old then, I would need him to save up & make the effort to come see her This year. If he doesn't I think that's a sign that he isn't father material...

@arbitrator, yeah part of me thinks I should just move on & file due to the lack of effort on his end in being a father. I would love to give him a chance as I want to have another shot at saving my family but it may not be possible & he doesn't even try. Also I despise my in-laws. I reached out to his mum the day he left & apologised for us not getting along before. She responded so politely but the she & the entire family blocked me afterwards & I've not heard a word from them since. She even went on holiday... it's like her grandchild never existed.

@satya Initially they did like me and said we were both good for each other. His mum told me before that He was the great catch & would be the best husband and father ever...oh the irony. However, whenever we fought he would go to them & spill all the details about me so they got involved & tried to split us up so I had not been on speaking terms with them for most of the relationship...


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