# Need some advice...really don't know what to do!



## faith07 (Aug 25, 2011)

So, H is suppose to be coming over tonight to discuss our separation agreement. He is still dating the 21 year old but am I crazy for not wanting to give up on my marriage? If we go through with the legal separation then I can't see me turning back and trying to work things out. In my mind that would be him choosing this "girl" over our marriage and it would be done for me. I know he has already in a way chosen her by still seeing her but he keeps telling me that he wants to work on us and doesn't want a divorce. He was just having fun and she means nothing. I do believe he loves me, and doesn't really care for this OW but I can't understand why? Why is he doing this? What is it then, if he doesn't care about her? I can't take it anymore! I told him I was done, I couldn't go on like this and I am the one that has initiated this meeting to discuss the details of the separation. We have 4 children and I thought if we could come to some kind of agreement on our own it would cost less for lawyers. We would basically just have to go in and sign. My question is should I ask him if this is what he really wants and tell him that there would be no turning back for me if we go through with this, or should I just go ahead with what I said and stick to talking about the separation agreement?
I love my husband with everything in me and really do want to get back together. I can't picture my life without him. Our family just isn't complete without him here with us. He says he still loves me and still pictures his future with me but his feelings aren't the same. Any advice on how to handle the meeting tonight would be greatly appreciated because I am truthfully at a loss...how do I save my marriage? or is there even a chance right now?


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## faith07 (Aug 25, 2011)

Also, I haven't talked to him in 2 days...should I text him and ask him if he's still coming tonight or not even bother? I think that if it means enough to him he will remember on his own, but I don't know. I have a feeling that he won't even show up and then will just say "Oh, sorry I forgot you should have reminded me" This has been his excuse many times even when we were together. I am so confused...I never thought in a million years I ever would be going through this, as I'm sure the rest of you on here feel the same.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Im sure someone will be by in a bit to give some advice. Im not the right one to be giving advice on this because I told my spouse if she couldnt stop talking to the OM then I wanted a divorce so its not what she wanted at first then she wanted it so that is what I done. She wanted to separate then she admitted to talking with the OM on the phone and Im sure it has went to a PA but I know what I will not put up with so Im just waiting for it to be final.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

You can't save your marriage alone, your husband has to want it too and it doesn't sound like he does right now. 

The best advice I can offer is be strong, don't beg or plead, don't show him your pain. Make him think you are building a life without him and show him that you don't need him, you have to not just fake it but start doing it, fake it till you make it. 

He will respect you more if you appear strong and tough. Since he is still in the affair, if you appear whiny and needy that will just turn him off more and he will see it as a way to justify the cheating. 

Good luck! and I'm sorry you are having to deal with this pain. 
Sending you a hug.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

Lostouthere said:


> Im sure someone will be by in a bit to give some advice. Im not the right one to be giving advice on this because I told my spouse if she couldnt stop talking to the OM then I wanted a divorce so its not what she wanted at first then she wanted it so that is what I done. She wanted to separate then she admitted to talking with the OM on the phone and Im sure it has went to a PA but I know what I will not put up with so Im just waiting for it to be final.



You did the right thing, allowing her to be a cake eater would drive you more nuts than the situation as it is will.


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## faith07 (Aug 25, 2011)

Thanks! I think I am just going to go through with talking about the separation agreement and not talk about us at all. I have taken steps to make it on my own. I was a stay at home mom for 10 years, but am starting work next week. I will make enough money to support my kids and myself well without his help. I am showing him that I can do this on my own, and I know I can. It will be hard to keep this strong attitude when he is here though. I'm going to just look at it like it's a business deal and do my best to keep the emotions controlled. You're right I can't save my marriage when it's just me trying...his words mean nothing when his actions are obviously showing something else. If he really wanted to work on us he would stop seeing the OW and SHOW me he wants that instead of just saying it. Actions speak louder than words.


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## faith07 (Aug 25, 2011)

Okay so my H stopped by to talk about the separation agreement, he didn't want to go through with things...he said the OW was just a "phase" and shouldn't even be a factor in this. Wtf??? And that his future was with me and the kids...I told him to leave that I would have my lawyer draw up the separation agreement and he could have fun with his "phase". I'm done!!!


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

faith07 said:


> Okay so my H stopped by to talk about the separation agreement, he didn't want to go through with things...he said the OW was just a "phase" and shouldn't even be a factor in this. Wtf??? And that his future was with me and the kids...I told him to leave that I would have my lawyer draw up the separation agreement and he could have fun with his "phase". I'm done!!!


I think your doing the right thing now just stick to your guns on it and sometimes its easier said than done. I would give him a time limit to and then tell him its do or die by then. Its been a rough road but im going to make it just like everyone else here. I have good days and bad but it gets easier with time.


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## faith07 (Aug 25, 2011)

It is easier said than done I agree, but it is getting easier with time for me. After all of the lies and BS he has said and done...I've had enough. I'm done and he can do what he wants...my kids and I deserve better than he can give right now. He is the one that will lose out and in the end have regrets. I've done what I can to save our marriage but there's only so much you can do when you're the only one trying. I'm ready to start the next chapter of my life and that will not include him.


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## Rachel- (Aug 21, 2011)

I don't know why for men it is so difficult to admit they are wrong at the right time, when we need to hear that in order to try to save the relationship. They are so afraid to appear weak while we would become so much more understanding.
They rarely say sorry, they want to be right and have us women to chase them, apologies even if we are in the right and then they will eventually come back.
My DH has done it to me few days ago after 2 months sleeping in separate room. He asked me to go for a walk with our daughters and then waited on me to make the real move to try to save our marriage.After 2 days we made up he came up with some paranoid fears accusing me to cheat on him (not true). 
He totally crushed my feelings. I found out he has also done paternity tests for both of them. I feel so bad and hurted so deeply. They are so different from us. When they say they love you I think they mean they love themselves, when they say you cheat on them...I fear they do it. At least with their mind always.
I don't think I can trust my husband any more.
I cannot put my feelings in his hands any more.
He has put me on a long journey of painful ups and downs of emotions for long 14 years.
I also feel I'm done with it.
I admire your courage to go back in the work force, well done!
I hope I can soon find the strenght to do the same.
I am also a stay home mum with a 2 and a 4 y old little girls.
It's really hard.


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