# Someone tell me what to do, please.



## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

I've posted bits and pieces but here's my full story:

My H and I are both young, without kids. We've been together for 7 years, married for just over 5. I thought we had an amazing life together. We barely had any "downs" and they were always brief tiffs, great communication and a great sex life. VERY rarely he would complain I didn't put out enough, but it was usually due to a short crunch time at work (I work in an industry with crazy deadlines and sometimes close to those I worked 16-20 hour days for a week or two - it's stressful but rare.) I never, ever would have thought he was unhappy - and I had complete, blind trust in him. I never once questioned where he was going or with who - I thought I was his one and only.

The OW is a typical manipulator. I've seen it a thousand times on these boards and in person. They were old, old, old friends from grade school. She was part of his (and therefore my) social circle. She would text my H "My boyfriend hit me, please come and drive me to my parents". I never liked it, but I never thought my husband would be tempted. I just thought she was a bit of a drama queen, and would express distaste for him helping her, he would invite me to come along - which wasn't even on my radar - why would I need to? He would NEVER do anything with her.

Anyway, my life crumbled when he was showing me something unrelated on his facebook, and her name popped up to chat with him. It was something innocent, but I noticed the last conversation said something like "your arms are my safe haven" or something equally disgusting from her. I forced him to show me the chats, they were mostly things I knew they talked about, but there was DEFINITELY some EA sh*t in there. They also talked about the night they kissed, and he did say "I'm married, it was a huge mistake" but then proceeded to tell her more things about how amazing she was, etc etc. He never gave me the trickle truth, as far as I know, all the texts they had, emails, facebook messages and accounts from her all match. I cannot be 1000% certain, but I think I know everything that occurred. 

He was the perfect WS about it - everything you guys would want to show remorse. I kicked him out, and told him he should tell his parents or I will - he did with me in the room. He cried a lot, he begged, he offered to delete his facebook, everything from his life, install a GPS on his phone, car, go no where but home and work until I was satisfied, he said he would have no social life... I was very ready to walk away but he just seemed so remorseful. After about 4 months of separation I took him back under a HUGE amount of conditions like:

1. Never see or speak to the OW, the OW-bf, her family, etc. If she makes any contact big or small, I am to know. He sent her a NC letter. (I also sent her a letter that was not polite or kind, but that was probably useless, except it felt sorta good).

2. He is to do ALL the heavy lifting, including MC, IC, whatever I decided. We did go to a few MC sessions, and they were all very productive.

3. He is to let me be as angry as I need to be for as long as I needed to be.

4. He needed to tell his friends why we separated. Because they're all in the same social circle as her, he was hesitant but obliged. Our friends were pretty shocked and actually INCREDIBLY supportive. I got a few messages saying that they had no idea, and that they weren't happy with either of them for being so horrible.

5. He had to be TOTALLY honest about our time spent apart. Any flirting, anything - emotional or physical, any relationships, any dates, anything. I admitted to him I went on a "date" (if you could call it that) with an old friend... I'm not even sure that it WAS a date, but I told him anyway. I said if I found a single piece of evidence that he was lying about ANYTHING, he would be gone. He said there was absolutely nothing to tell me - he spent all his time and energy pursuing me. (This adds up, he was very persistent.)

6. If I found a scrap of infidelity again, even if he sent a suspicious WINKY face to a girl, I would be gone so fast he wouldn't see me leave.

7. I made him sign our lease over to my name... When I first confronted him he wouldn't leave our apartment. His name was on the lease so I couldn't technically remove him, so I wanted him to not be able to stay if I didn't want him to in the future.


So we went about our lives for the next couple months - things were HARD, although I had huge amounts of hope all the time. I knew that we would come out of this stronger and happier than before. I was struggling with what he did but I *was* happy. Then I realized he had another gmail account that he had visited on his laptop. His password for it was the same as all his other passwords, and imagine my surprise that he was signed up for a bunch of "dating" websites. And by dating I mean "find people to f*ck" websites. I packed his things and forced him to go back home. I didn't plan on looking back.

He did sent me an email saying he knew he ****ed up, but he wanted to explain... He said the accounts were from when we were separated and he never met anyone off them. He said he joined them while drunk one night and feeling particularly pessimistic about our future. He apologized for not telling me about them and left it at that. He never asked for me to reconsider. I never replied and went dark. Unfortunately I had to break the darkness briefly to hand our dog over to him as I traveled for the holidays, but our encounter was very brief and businesslike. He didn't look good though.

We spent the holidays apart which was AWFUL. His family was a huge part of my life and vice versa. He sent nice texts while I was out of town, saying Merry Christmas and last night I got the Happy New Year, etc. I finally decided to send one back saying "And to you - hopefully 2012 ends up better for you than 2011". He sent back "It was still amazing to spend it with you, I'm glad you let me."

He came over this morning with the dog, and a coffee for me. He was very sweet and kind and gave me a hug. He was a very different person than before. I was kind of angry so I said "Why aren't you upset!? You haven't even asked for me to come back to you!" to which he said "I know I blew it, I know you're gone."

I just am heartbroken. I want my H back. Should I just leave? Should I stay? Should I really throw this all away over accounts he didn't tell me about? I know he should have - he had to - but ... I'm so distraught that it's all over.

I need a kick in the pants either way, someone help me


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

He told you he blew it , you have a choice to mail him with guidelines to work to prove he is willing to work on your marriage, if you do this do not appear desperate or needy. The other option is to divorce him and find a man who is prepared to love and respect you. I suggest the latter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

There doesnt seem a problem you want him. He wants you.
I would make an observation though. Why do you think he went elsewhere. You do sound very controlling.


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

accept said:


> There doesnt seem a problem you want him. He wants you.
> I would make an observation though. Why do you think he went elsewhere. You do sound very controlling.


I wonder that all the time. He has never told me/been able to give me a reason why. I was NOT controlling before - and yes, was after so we could rebuild the trust that was lost.

When I ask him why he says because he messed up, he's broken, I did nothing, blah blah. I want to know what I did, but he can't or won't tell me.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Take it from me then.
He is scared to tell you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

"He did sent me an email saying he knew he ****ed up, but he wanted to explain... He said the accounts were from when we were separated and he never met anyone off them. He said he joined them while drunk one night and feeling particularly pessimistic about our future. He apologized for not telling me about them and left it at that. He never asked for me to reconsider. I never replied and went dark."

Its not like he was trying to hide the websites or he would have a better password. LOL He didn't try to get back with you because he believed what you told him.

You're going to be kicking yourself in the a$$ if you wait until its to late to take him back. Remember, even though he may want you, his heart has already started healing. Its started building a little wall around it to keep the pain out. Soon, if not already, the credit for his pain will be shifting to your side of the balance sheet and he will move on.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

chapparal said:


> "He did sent me an email saying he knew he ****ed up, but he wanted to explain... He said the accounts were from when we were separated and he never met anyone off them. He said he joined them while drunk one night and feeling particularly pessimistic about our future. He apologized for not telling me about them and left it at that. He never asked for me to reconsider. I never replied and went dark."
> 
> Its not like he was trying to hide the websites or he would have a better password. LOL He didn't try to get back with you because he believed what you told him.
> 
> You're going to be kicking yourself in the a$$ if you wait until its to late to take him back. Remember, even though he may want you, his heart has already started healing. Its started building a little wall around it to keep the pain out. Soon, if not already, the credit for his pain will be shifting to your side of the balance sheet and he will move on.


 Give me a break! If this guy really wanted her, he would not have signed up for hook up sites while they were apart; and he would be banging on her door to get back in. He is not committed to this marriage and if she takes him back she will be sorry. As for her being " too controlling"( another poster) again give me a break. There is no excuse for an A, none, they are not the fault of the BS, or due to some failing. They are a choice by the DS to opt for dishonesty and deceit over working on whatever relationship problems may or may not exist in the marriage. This guy has been a weasel from the start, and she is better off without him. She deserves someone who will treat her with respect; put her first, and work with her to make the marriage a good one. Unless and until her WH shows an actual willingness to do the aforementioned she has nothing to work with or on, and letting this guy go would be a very wise move on her part.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Why don't you talk to him? Explain to him that you love him and want the marriage to work but that both of you must figure out why he has looked outside the marriage twice now before you can move on. That's the truth isn't it? Those reasons are there, they maybe hard to find, but they are there. If you can identify them you can better understand if you both want to recommit to the marriage or move on. It's time for total and complete honestly between you. 

It does sound to me like he's running something of a "reverse 180" on you. Don't jump through his hoops, move at your own speed when you are ready.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

lou said:


> My H and I are both young, without kids.


I knew the answer 2 sentences into the story.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

sigma1299 said:


> ...that both of you must figure out why he has looked outside the marriage...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do they? Really? It's not obvious?

It's called the pursuit of strange. Why does everyone want to make that so hard to understand?


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## Tigrlily (Dec 27, 2011)

It sounds like you're prepared to forgive and move foward just as long as the cheating remains a one time thing.

Since there seems to be a "rational" explanation to the dating sites and there are no other signs of infidelity, then my question to you is "What does your gut tell you?"

You know your H better than anyone. I say if you get an odd little 'Spidey Sense" thing happening regarding his actions then listen to it. It isn't foolproof, of course; clearly you've been tricked before, but the difference now is that there is no more blind trust. 

The problem I'm having with my own Spidey Sense is trying to figure out if I'm looking for something that isn't really happening, because I'm afraid of being fooled again. 

If you want me to just make a judgment call without knowing him as a person then I'd say you're young and there are no children. Cut your ties and start life over with a man worthy of you. I'd have divorced my H in a heartbeat if there had been no children involved (he had an EA). In my opinion, if your H really believed he had f*&^ed up, and genuinely understood how devastating his affair was to you, then he'd have spent the time separated from you NOT focused on himself and his own wounds, but instead, using every minute to prove himself to you, and to win your heart back. Even in a drunken, pessimistic moment, the fact that his reaction was to go straight to online sites that involved his meeting/talking to/looking at other women would be a HUGE dealbreaker for me. He's either the biggest idiot on the planet, or he's just the type of man who looks out for #1 when the chips are down. I think he's the latter, and I wouldn't waste another day of my life with someone like that, because it only means heartbreak for you...more than likely later on down the road when kids ARE involved and the decision is so much harder to make.

I think he showed you his true colors. I wish I had different advice than this. =( Hugs to you.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

MrK said:


> Do they? Really? It's not obvious?
> 
> It's called the pursuit of strange. Why does everyone want to make that so hard to understand?


Well no they don't obviously. But there is some reason that the marriage is not blowing his skirt up enough to keep "pursuit of strange" from being an issue to begin with. Everyone can get distracted by something new, but most of us most of the time resist it. For some reason he isn't and is scratching that itch. The reason is what they need to determine IMO.


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## iwantmore (Dec 30, 2011)

Lou,

I feel your pain. My H and I are also both young, married for four years and have no kids. I have noticed another married woman actively pursuing my H, practically throwing herself at him, while he thinks nothing of it. He gets annoyed at my jealousy because to him, nothing is going on. My H is the type of person that I would never believe to be unfaithful. His entire childhood was ruined because of his father's infidelity, so it's hard for me to think that anything was going on with him and the OW. However, I am not stupid to the fact that he is a man and the possibility can still exist. It is for this reason that I chose to reply to you. I am not sure what is going on with my H, but I am aware that my actions (jealousy, accusations, and other acts of a worried/paranoid spouse) will not help the situation.
You have to decide if your marriage itself (regardless of children and your age) is worth fighting for. You have both spent time apart, so you must have some idea of what life is like without your H. Spending the holidays apart is absolutely the worst thing, and that time of year tends to breed heartache where normally you may have been able to cope. For this reason, don't base your decision on this last month or so, or even his recent visit to you. Think of what your life was like without him, on the 'regular' months. And, while many people would advise you that you are young and have no kids and now is the easiest time to cut ties, I believe when you love someone, no time is an easy time for such a decision. 
As for your H's cheating and the dating websites, my opinion is that we all cope with heartache in a different way. Your H admitted that he screwed up both times. I feel that the dating websites should not be looked upon as him just looking for love or attention elsewhere. It was a moment of weakness and we all have those. We are still only human, and none of us is perfect. I think your H's error there was that he didn't tell you about it when you were both trying to work the relationship out. This would obviously lead you to think of him as a liar. However, to give him the benefit of the doubt, your decision to give him another chance after his infidelity may have been such a Godsend to him that he probably did not want to risk losing that chance by telling you more than he felt you needed to know. And sure, you'll probably argue that you did need to know this. But the reality is that you probably didn't. If he was not actively checking these websites and looking for other women, then maybe just MAYBE it was only a lapse in judgment on his part. 
Please don't think that I am arguing FOR your H, here. I am just speaking from a point of view where I am also in a similar position, just in my case it's just a suspicion. I too am at the risk of coming across as a bit controlling, and that is a new yr's resolution of mine to work on fixing that. We have to accept that the only person we can ever be in control of is ourselves, and from our own experiences, we must also admit that we are never 100% in control of ourselves. We are human and liable to make mistakes, but that is what makes the world a place worthy of living in. We must make mistakes to learn. Just as a child must fall in learning to walk. Your H made a mistake. And while it looks like 2 mistakes (cheating n the websites), they both occurred at the same time more or less, so technically, it's like one major mistake. Give him a chance if you feel it in your heart to do so. I do agree with Eli-Zor, if you choose to give him this chance, do not be desperate or needy. Maintain your stance on his actions. At all times, be fair to him and to yourself.
Good luck


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