# Problems because of the dog. Am I being unreasonable?



## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Update page 7.

A warning. This will be very long.

I’m writing here because I don’t have anyone to talk to about this for advice and insight. Also I just need to vent to someone for the sake of my sanity. 
I’d appreciate your opinions and advice. If you think I’m being unreasonable, please do let me know. 

So my husband has a staffy mix dog, big in size, untrained, aggressive and very spoiled. This dog used to be his nephew’s given to him as a gift. The nephew didn’t want her so he put her up for adoption. When his mom and my husband found out they were close to euthanizing the dog in the shelter, they decided to take the dog. But because my husband’s sister (who is about 20 years older than us) was (and still is) living in a government housing and couldn’t keep pets or move (or she’ll lose the government housing) she kept the dog with my husband, so she’d keep coming over to husband’s house to feed, walk and take care of the dog. This is technically my sister in law’s dog. She always refers to her as “my dog, my baby” etc but because she can’t keep a dog at her place, has always kept her with my husband. 

Now before we got married, I told my husband that I don’t want pets inside the house. He agreed and after we got married, and rented a new house, he built a large insulated house for the dog, size of a medium sized room outside in the backyard. My sister in law of course wanted the dog to stay in our house, but in the end she agreed. 

This dog is aggressive. She has bit my husband’s old roommate before even though she was friendly and accustomed to him. So I would never trust her around my baby therefore there is no chance I’ll let her stay inside. 

This dog barks over every little thing outside. If the neighbors come out to their yard, she starts barking, charging at the fence and growling. Wakes up my baby that I try so hard to put to sleep because he’s a terrible sleeper. 

I’ve mentioned several times to my husband to get a trainer to train the dog, but it falls on deaf ears. 

Also, this dog is on a raw meat diet and is a picky eater. If you don’t cut up the meat in little bits, she won’t eat it. Sister in law has alway hand fed her, so she’s very spoiled. I have to feed her sometimes and it’s so annoying to sit there and basically have to bribe the dog to eat, like a baby. I bought normal dog food once, because it’s easier than playing with raw meat (which takes up space in my freezer, more on that later), but SIL didn’t even entertain the idea, said those foods are unhealthy so the raw meat diet continued. 

Now here is the problem. Sister in law comes over almost every day to see the dog. Comes over unannounced. When the dog hears her at the door, goes crazy barking waking up my baby. She keeps the meat in my freezer and fridge. I used to have to clean up pools of blood in the fridge because she’d carelessly put bags of meat in there. And 75% of my freezer was at some point all meat for the dog. I Needed space for the purées I was going to make and freeze for my baby, and there was absolutely no space. I asked her to just keep the door compartment of the freezer for the dog, and if she could take the rest of the meat. She said ok, but days went by without her doing anything. In the end after my husband and I got into an argument about it, he threw all the meat out. 

This woman is so careless. She has bent two of my good knives while cutting frozen meat. She bangs the meat on my tiles to break them up, seriously who does that? 
Goes through my fridge sometimes for things she can feed the dog, any left over rice or cheese and whatnot. Leaves bloody handprints on my fridge and freezer door. Uses my olive oil to wipe all over the dog as a massage because “it’s healthy”. Then let’s the dog lick the oil off her hands. Then without washing her hands, goes and grabs things in my kitchen. Especially because the dog is on a raw meat diet, I think that’s unsanitary. Doesn’t disinfect after using my kitchen things after cutting up meat. Husband always tell her to wash her hands before playing with the baby, but I noticed she only rinses her hands quickly with water, doesn’t use soap. 

Another problem is that when we were renting this house, my husband didn’t think about the backyard not having door to the outside. I didn’t get to see the house before he signed the lease, and it was too late. So the dog has to come into our house to get outside. I don’t like the dog having to walk where my baby crawls, but there’s nothing else we can do so I deal with that. However, SIL takes the dog to swim in the pond. Comes back and there’s muddy dog prints on my tiles. I know she sees them, but doesn’t wipe them clean. I’m the one that has to clean the floors again. Then the next day, there’s the dog prints again. I told her to wipe the dog’s feet before coming in, and now she does, but still she’s not careful about making sure there’s no dirt because she’s careless. And the fact my baby is crawling on that is disgusting. 

I’m so sick and tired of this all. Now in our culture, it’s rude and frowned upon to tell your elders what to do. But I am the one dealing with this, and I’m getting really resentful towards my husband for making me deal with this. We keep having arguments because of this. 
He does sometimes tell her to make sure she washes her hands, but clearly this woman is so careless and irresponsible she just doesn’t care. And it’s unfair I’m the one stuck having to deal with it. 

Usually what happens is I’ll talk to my husband about the bloody hand print or something his sister ruined, or dirtied. Then he tells me you’re right, he’ll talk to his sister about it, but the next couple of days my husband acts quiet towards me, making me feel like I’m just nagging or did something bad. 
So I have not been bothering telling him anything, even though he tells me to tell him when something bothers me. 
Yesterday, he noticed I was quiet and short after his sister left. Then I let it all out how I feel disgusting in the house, how I’m tired of disinfecting and cleaning after his sister, how she’s careless, how I don’t have time to be cleaning after her when I have a baby to look after have a thousand things in the house I have to get done. He said I’m right, that he’ll talk to her today, but he’s been quiet with me again, making me feel guilty for saying something. 

What’s the solution to this? I’m ready to go against our culture and just tell this woman directly that i feel gross because she’s not being clean. This will of course cause drama and like I said, in our culture I’ll be crossing a boundary. But I’m absolutely sick of it all. 

This is causing a big strain on me. All day I feel it ruins my mood and I am starting to resent my husband for not stepping up. Please any advice.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

What a crazy predicament.. I was in the same. You husband clearly doesnt feel the same way, so you need to kill the messenger (not literally) 

I know its hard dealing with 'in-laws' but you need to talk to your sister up front. In fact... You need to sit down and really think of the root problem. If you complain about the blood she will clean that up... but if your true problem is the dog being there itself then THAT is what you need to discuss. Don't bring up little things b/c they will sidetrack you.

You are the mother of children... You get to tell everyone (get them together) that the dog has to go. You dont care how, but it needs to be gone within 2-3 weeks. If they don't do anything, then you will get it picked up by the shelter. Period. They will try to talk you off the ledge by asking 'why' and trying to disassemble all your complaints "Ill clean up the meat, ill get him trained" - None of that **** matters... You want him GONE.. "Why? There are too many reasons to list. Mostly, i dont want that dog near my children... period"

Keep repeating yourself.

You might find some great help in a book called "When I say No I feel Guilty" -> It really helps you in these types of situations where people will manipulate you out of your wants/needs.


F*CK culture. You dont bring an untrained dog around my kids, that barks, and spread germs all through the house... not even mentioning the raw meat and blood and damaged knives.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sounds like the REAL issue is the sister. She is completely inconsiderate and selfish. She shouldnt have a dog she cannot keep at her own home. You and your husband get no enjoyment out of the dog, and I for one hate it when dogs are kept outside, I think its cruel. The dog deserves a real home, and you deserve peace in yours.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

How consistent is your SIL's behavior with your culture?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Annizka said:


> This dog is aggressive. She has bit my husband’s old roommate before even though she was friendly and accustomed to him. So I would never trust her around my baby therefore there is no chance I’ll let her stay inside.


This is enough to find a new home for the dog. You are now living under the rule of a dog. Your decisions now revolve around a dog. A dog you did not any parts of. Your H needs to advise his sister the dog needs to find a home elsewhere.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

The dog is aggressive because it's the boss.

People who feed raw food have had issues with ecoli. I know trainers who have made a mistake on sanitation and raw meat and ended up with hospital stays from listeria.

Since the risk is greater to an infant ask your husband how guilty he would feel if her lack of cleanliness put your baby in the hospital for ecoli or one of the other food borne illnesses?

Maybe show him these.
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science...rend-risks-ecoli-salmonella-owners-new-study/

https://www.fda.gov/animal-veterina...-food-diets-can-be-dangerous-you-and-your-pet

Personally No One is going to house their dog in our home.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Just because your SIL is 20 years older than her brother doesn't mean she is accorded the same respect as an elder. She certainly doesn't accord you, your home or your baby any respect. 

The health of your baby is at risk. Either the SIL & her dog goes or your husband and the dog goes. Ask him to take his pick.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I would never have a violent or uncontrolled dog on my property.... let alone with a baby or small children. 

This seems pretty clear cut to me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why did you marry and have a child with this man if you were so unhappy about this situation?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Annizka said:


> Another problem is that when *we were renting* this house


Some bad advice as it is rather passive aggressive. 

Contrary to popular belief, landlords can be very helpful when tenants complain and need help solving a problems related to unruly pets. If you want the dog off the property, complain to your landlord and ask him to keep it anonymous in the event he can compel your husband and sister-in-law to just have the dog removed. 

Totally not your fault, probably one of the neighbors. Right?

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

badsanta said:


> Some bad advice as it is rather passive aggressive.
> 
> Contrary to popular belief, landlords can be very helpful when tenants complain and need help solving a problems related to unruly pets. If you want the dog off the property, complain to your landlord and ask him to keep it anonymous in the event he can compel your husband and sister-in-law to just have the dog removed.
> 
> ...


I'm usually no fan of deviousness, but I gotta' say I kinda' like this approach. Very clever, Bad Santa!


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Steve2.0 said:


> What a crazy predicament.. I was in the same. You husband clearly doesnt feel the same way, so you need to kill the messenger (not literally)
> 
> I know its hard dealing with 'in-laws' but you need to talk to your sister up front. In fact... You need to sit down and really think of the root problem. If you complain about the blood she will clean that up... but if your true problem is the dog being there itself then THAT is what you need to discuss. Don't bring up little things b/c they will sidetrack you.
> 
> ...


My husband, as well as SIL’s daughter and her husband have mentioned rehoming the dog to the SIL before. But she said that she loves the dog like her baby and she shut that down real quick. 

Thank you for the book recommendation. I think a big part of the problem is me. I have no backbone and have a problem saying no. Although lately I will say that I am voicing my concerns more loudly. But I definitely need to read this. 



zookeeper said:


> How consistent is your SIL's behavior with your culture?


Not consistent. It would be considered very boundary crossing and too much. 



red oak said:


> The dog is aggressive because it's the boss.
> 
> People who feed raw food have had issues with ecoli. I know trainers who have made a mistake on sanitation and raw meat and ended up with hospital stays from listeria.
> 
> ...


Wow. Thank you so much for those links! I will be saving them and showing them to my husband. 

And the fact that she used to let the dog lick the baby while she was taking the dog though our house to take it outside disgusts me. Told my husband to tell her not to do that, that’s dirty, especially the fact that the dog JUST had raw meat!! Seriously that woman has zero common sense. I feel like I have to keep supervising her and my husband just doesn’t care. 



Blondilocks said:


> Just because your SIL is 20 years older than her brother doesn't mean she is accorded the same respect as an elder. She certainly doesn't accord you, your home or your baby any respect.
> 
> The health of your baby is at risk. Either the SIL & her dog goes or your husband and the dog goes. Ask him to take his pick.


I think honestly if this doesn’t get solved, he will have to make that decision soon.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

While I can appreciate your being sensitive to their culture, your whole family's health is being put at tremendous risk. Not to mention the myriad of interruptions by SIL dropping by unannounced. So so so many things wrong with this whole picture, first and foremost the dog's aggressiveness. 

You need to tell your husband TODAY the dog must go TODAY. Not tomorrow, two weeks from now, or next month. TODAY. Your SIL is taking advantage of you and your husband. She sounds like an entitled, messy pig. And your husband, with all due respect, sounds like a doormat . Tell him to find his spine and get the dog gone. And don't take on the guilt trip he's giving you. Go on about your business. That's not yours to own.

I remember you posting about this issue eons ago. Am I correct? And still nothing has changed? The dog goes. Now.


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Why did you marry and have a child with this man if you were so unhappy about this situation?


In the beginning of the marriage, I think the sister in law was more cautious and treated me and the house with more respect. She would come maybe once a week and I didn’t have a problem with that honestly. 
Slowly things started going out of control. Maybe she realized that I have no backbone? So she started taking advantage of that. Not sure. 




badsanta said:


> Annizka said:
> 
> 
> > Another problem is that when *we were renting* this house
> ...


Very clever!!


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Annizka said:


> My husband, as well as SIL’s daughter and her husband have mentioned rehoming the dog to the SIL before. But she said that she loves the dog like her baby and she shut that down real quick.


Your conversation needs to go like this - Thats my your problem.. Its not my dog and I dont love it. The dog needs to go. SIL can figure out where. And if its not done in 2-3 weeks then it will be @ the shelter.


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

lucy999 said:


> While I can appreciate your being sensitive to their culture, your whole family's health is being put at tremendous risk. Not to mention the myriad of interruptions by SIL dropping by unannounced. So so so many things wrong with this whole picture, first and foremost the dog's aggressiveness.
> 
> You need to tell your husband TODAY the dog must go TODAY. Not tomorrow, two weeks from now, or next month. TODAY. Your SIL is taking advantage of you and your husband. She sounds like an entitled, messy pig. And your husband, with all due respect, sounds like a doormat . Tell him to find his spine and get the dog gone. And don't take on the guilt trip he's giving you. Go on about your business. That's not yours to own.
> 
> I remember you posting about this issue eons ago. Am I correct? And still nothing has changed? The dog goes. Now.


Usually what happens is he’ll address one of my concerns with her. She’ll say ok. Then she either forgets or does something else totally crazy. 

Like I have mentioned before, I think a major part of the problem is me. I have no backbone. Someone else in my shoes would have stopped this from the first sign of craziness of the SIL. 
I need to work on that. With the baby, I am getting more impatient of the situation. It’s unsanitary for him and dangerous. But I feel like instead of dealing with this in a healthy manner, I am instead going to explode and cause some damage to the marriage.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Annizka said:


> Usually what happens is he’ll address one of my concerns with her. She’ll say ok. Then she either forgets or does something else totally crazy.
> 
> Like I have mentioned before, I think a major part of the problem is me. I have no backbone. Someone else in my shoes would have stopped this from the first sign of craziness of the SIL.
> I need to work on that. With the baby, I am getting more impatient of the situation. It’s unsanitary for him and dangerous. But I feel like instead of dealing with this in a healthy manner, I am instead going to explode and cause some damage to the marriage.


I didn't realize it was you with no backbone. I re-read your OP and I don't see anything indicating as such.

Since you are hesitant to talk to her directly about it and your husband's approach isn't working, I would resort to @badsanta idea. You're in a pickle for sure. I wish you luck.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Annizka said:


> Very clever!!


Landlords view pets as something that creates extra wear and tear on properties which usually creates a loss come time to turn over the property to a new tenant. If you voice your concern, I promise you that your landlord will be ecstatically happy and motivated to help you. 

So if you don't have a backbone to stand up to your SIL and husband, take an approach that will make someone else very happy to help you as a result.

At the end of the day, you are the actually person that has legal/moral power in this situation. All you have to do is exercise your authority to do so. Even if this power has to be exercised via your landlord to help keep the peace and avoid conflicts in the event the problem was confronted directly between tenants. 

It is just the way the grown up world works sometimes. And it is for the better as it avoids confrontation and domestic disputes. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I'm thinking a cyanide pill hidden in a piece of raw meat will do the trick.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I'm thinking a cyanide pill hidden in a piece of raw meat will do the trick.


OP already has warned them about e-coli. This would be just natural "I told you so" progression.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Beyond the obvious health issues for your family and boundary issues with your SIL, it doesn't sound like the best life for the dog.

Your family needs cleanliness and sanity and the dog needs a better life.

Tell her that the dog deserves better and will not be staying with you. She can find him a home or you will.

That's it. She doesn't get to "shut anything down".....it's not her house.

And yes....involve the landlord if need be.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

The SIL seems a little unstable. Unless you are going to completely cut her out of your life and deal with the consequences, you probably need to compromise. What I would recommend is:

- The dog is now only an outdoor dog. Build an appropriate kennel for the dog so she's comfortable and protected from the weather. Have and indoor and outdoor part.

- Even if she can't keep the dog at her house, she can keep her dog's food at her house. No more food storage in your fridge or prep in your kitchen.

- No more coming into the house. Have a gate or whatever so she can get to the backyard with the dog. Change the locks. Keep the doors locked.

- Get one of those bark suppressing collars. The dog will eventually learn not to bark so much.

I'm sure the SIL won't be happy, but this is stuff you can do since it's your house. If SIL doesn't like it, tell her to get a house where she can keep the dog. If your H doesn't support you, tell him it's you or the dog. Your H should be the one to lay down these rules anyway. And he shouldn't say he's doing it because you want it. He should just let her know this is the way it is now.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

If she does not care about whatever cultural mores you allude to, you will have to take the same attitude. Can't win playing by the rules when your opponent does not.

Clearly, she does not care about your opinion. Your husband is either unable or unwilling to enforce the necessary boundary. The dog doesn't know any better and the baby can't fix the situation. That leaves you. If you want this problem solved you will have to have that direct confrontation you fear and lay down the law. With both your SIL and your husband. 

...and please do not poison or otherwise harm the dog. That would be both evil and cowardly. Plus, it will do nothing to set your husband and SIL straight.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Wow what an s**** show. 

I am an animal person, have lots of pets, spent years as a horse trainer. 

None of this is okay, not by a long shot. 

The dog isn’t living a good life locked in a back yard. 

Raw diets have proven to often be quite terrible for pet, not balanced nutrition. Tied to a number of health disorders. 

An untrained, aggressive bully breed - just NO NO NO, might as well leave some loaded weapons around for your baby to find. 

And someone coming into your home unannounced?

You are all much kinder than I am. This dog would have been euthanized long ago.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

HUGE dog lover here. Have four of my own and adore them all. I too think it's cruel for a dog to live outside 24/7.

However, you and your husband had an agreement and he's violated that, so now it's time for you take action. Give her 24 hours to remove the dog. None of this 2 weeks bs. Your niece and nephew have said they'll have the dog so there's it's new home.

The things she is doing in your home are just disgusting, yuck, so unsanitary. Turns my stomach.

Another thing to remember - you are legally responsible for that dog. It lives on your property. I hope you have insurance for when it attacks someone and you get sued.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Didn't get very far into your OP before knowing what you need to do.

We owned an American Pitbull Terrier from 6 weeks old and they, along with all bully breeds are amazing dogs but they absolutely need direction, training and direction.

This is an unkept and untrained and spoiled dog

These dogs are as powerful as they are beautiful so you can't be passive about their ownership or training.

Take charge and REQUIRE training for this beautiful animal.

Stand up to your husband because he is being an idiot about this issue.

Bully breeds, treated properly, are amazing family dogs.

This dog needs care and training, not some woman who can't even care for herself calling it her dog.

Your husband needs educated. PM me if you need more advice about this breed.

These dogs are wonderful animals but they need a solid structure and lots of activity.

You should be concerned for your family with a powerful animal that isn't adopted into your structure and trained.

If this dog is adopted into your family and trained.....You will have another family member that will unleash hell on anyone foolish enough to attempt your family harm.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. I know I said direction twice. That wasn't a mistake.

They need structure and to know who is alpha.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I wouldn't be hand feeding the dog. Put the bowl down and walk away. If the dog doesn't eat, it obviously isn't hungry enough so it doesn't matter; give it an hour then chuck the food out and the dog can wait until the next day to eat. It's not going to kill the dog to skip a meal. I also agree with the others who said that dogs aren't supposed to be fed raw meat exclusively.

I'd go the landlord option that was suggested. If you can't fight this head-on, then fight smart instead.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

A dog Psychologist Specially trained in dealing with psychologically damaged dogs is what I reccomend.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Tell her straight up, I would never have a dog (esp a mastiff) anywhere in or near my house. If you want a dog, get your own place to have him, no more. I am not cleaning and disinfecting up after you. I will help you find a place to re home him in the next 2 weeks otherwise he is going to the shelter, you decide.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

MattMatt said:


> A dog Psychologist Specially trained in dealing with psychologically damaged dogs is what I reccomend.


That would be a waste of money. The only way training works is with consistent reinforcement. I don't see the SIL adopting any kind of boundary control or discipline concerning the dog.

The dog has to go, it's that simple. SIL has no right to trespass in your life or your home, you should not allow her and the dog to cause you misery and stress. If your husband refuses to side with you pack up the baby and go stay somewhere else until the dog AND SIL are gone.

Understand this could cause an unrepairable rift between you and SIL(and maybe husband) but so what. If they are so uncaring of your feelings you don't want them in your life anyway. They are selfish pigs. I love dogs but frankly I hate about every action you described, SIL and dog both.....dont tolerate this.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sigh. I guess your family will just be endangered, polluted or destroyed because you and your husband are too weak to be married and have children.

Weakness is really your problem.

Many people are too weak to build and protect a marriage and family.

You two simply lack the basic strength it takes to establish and enforce healthy boundaries for your family to exist.

You should probably both face facts and call it quits before something terrible happens to your child or one of you.

My advice is to divorce amicably and you each need to find a strong person who will at least have your best interests at heart and marry them.

It will be healthier for all involved.

Your child needs stability and safety. You and your husband are too weak to provide it so please change this situation to ensure his health and well being.

Your child deserves better. Face facts that you and your husband are too weak to actually take good care of him......or.....
Maybe you could find some damn steel in your spine to stand up and protect your offspring!?!?!?!

I would rip a dog's throat out with my teeth if it threatened my family's well being!

Unannounced intruders would be lucky to leave my home under their own power.

You don't have to be a barbarian to protect your family but you damn well can't be this passive and weak when it comes to protecting your home.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> A dog Psychologist Specially trained in dealing with psychologically damaged dogs is what I reccomend.


Oh Hell No!

I’m a dog guy. I understand what hundreds of years of breeding can accomplish. This is one of the pit bull mixes that quite frankly aren’t fit to be a part of a family.

Training can not change breeding ... training develops bred in instincts.

IMHO, it’s abusive to have one in the same house as a child, and anyone that would do so isn’t a fit parent.

Get rid of the damn dog NOW and to Hell with what SIL thinks/wants.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

OP, I'm right with you in terms of gaining control of your home. And the advice here is good.

Some things I'm wondering about which might also help you:

1. who cleans up the poop? Or do you just let your yard enjoy canine fertilizer?

2. Who pays for the meat? Kind of expensive for people living in subsidized housing. That's why I never liked that Rachel Ray commercial where she is showing expensive human food as if they were used in her dog food. All I can think of are people who can't afford decent food for themselves.

3. do the neighbors complain about the noise or anything else about the dog?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MyRevelation said:


> Oh Hell No!
> 
> I’m a dog guy. I understand what hundreds of years of breeding can accomplish. This is one of the pit bull mixes that quite frankly aren’t fit to be a part of a family.
> 
> ...


A Staffordshire Cross is NOT a pitbull. You seem to know less about dogs than you might think.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> A Staffordshire Cross is NOT a pitbull. You seem to know less about dogs than you might think.


It’s an American Staffordshire Terrier and that is exactly what they are. You are the one spouting training nonsense on this thread.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MyRevelation said:


> It’s an American Staffordshire Terrier and that is exactly what they are. You are the one spouting training nonsense on this thread.


Where did the OP say it was a pitbull?


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Advocating for dogs and information for OP:

Most cases of dog attacks on children, *regardless of breed *is the result of violating common dog etiquette. 
Kids rolling, climbing on, pulling ears or skin standing over, taking things from dogs, allowing dogs to claim a spot on furniture, sleeping in the bed (pack leader always gets the best spot). 

Those who may have gotten away with it for years *have not had a dominant working dog from a working line period.* Look at the k9 police dogs who have had to be put down on site because they attacked their handler. 

There are many red flags in the OP besides the raw diet. Licking the babies face, all sweet and good until the child walks up to the dog and gets in it's face. Baby on the floor and dog leaning over it is establishing dominance over the child. Biting a friend it knows and like sounds like a territorial dispute.
The dominant dog, or pack leader always initiates activities. When anything the dog considers subordinate, whether child or dog goes to initiate play with the dominant dog punishment ensues.

No child is ever to be considered over and above a dog. Anyone who doubts it go to leerburg or one of the other working dog sites and look at all the dog bite photos, and statistics, and the multitude of other trainers collecting this data.

ETA: As it seems few in your home our aware of dog etiquette, and I hate to hear of injuries which could well be avoided, and since you have an infant in you home here is a link to some general do's and don'ts in hopes you can keep everyone safe until your issue is resolved. 

http://leerburg.com/kidbites.htm

Best of luck.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Where did the OP say it was a pitbull?


You were correct ... OP described it as a Staffordshire Cross. 

American Staffordshire Terriers when crossed with other bull type terriers are the foundation breed for what are commonly referred to as Pitbulls or Pitbull Terriers. The Pitbull is not a recognized breed by itself, but is the generic term for various crosses of the American Staffordshire Terrier.

They are the favored breed of wannabe thugs, drug dealers and men with small penises 😃 and are really of no benefit, unless you’re into pit fighting against other animals to the death, that can’t be gotten from other less violent breeds.

Admittedly, I am a dog snob and find zero value in the Pitbull type breeds.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I say take the dog to the vet and have it euthanized. Enough of this conflict. If your husband divorces you over it, then you're better off without his worthless ass anyway. He is not protecting you or your child. If your sister-in-law stops speaking to you, thank goodness. With friends like that, you don't need enemies.

Seriously, this is exactly what I'd do. I've done something similar in the past and wouldn't hesitate doing it again.


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Just to answer a few questions. The meat is paid for by both my husband and SIL. 
The yard is also cleaned by both. SIL comes almost daily to take the dog out twice. She stays over for sometimes at least two hours. So far no neighbors have complained about the dog, but I wish they did. 
Husband wouldn’t mind taking it to a shelter, but he doesn’t want them to euthanize the dog. And he knows no one would adopt an aggressive dog. He has told me he won’t be doing that when I have suggested it before. 

This staffy is mixed with something else, I forgot what, but it was a breed also known for being aggressive. Woman at the shelter had told them that some people buy these dogs for dog fighting. But SIL believes the dog won’t do anything to babies, that she loves them. Yeah, not taking chances. 

I noticed that the dog doesn’t bark at me and is friendly with me. But if I touch SIL, I notice she barks. No growling, but still. I’m thinking she’s barking at me for touching SIL? She loves SIL the most. 

I will be addressing this dog with my husband without letting my emotions take control. 
I will say that I am tired of dealing with the dog that is obviously untrained and spoiled and dangerous, and was obviously done no research about in terms of training, feeding, and raising it. 

If the dog is to stay, there will be no more raw meat diet. Will show the articles shared here. All the meat from the freezer will be taken out. 
SIL can come once, at most twice a week to see the dog but at a time decided on which won’t disturb my baby’s naps. 
Research, and training will need to be done to address the dog’s barking and aggressive behavior. 

SIL has no say since she is not the one living with the dog. And if she has a problem with it, then she can take the dog. If these changes are not done, then me and the baby will be leaving. 

Should have done this a very long time ago. Someone else in my shoes would have addressed this from the very beginning.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Exactly ... by whatever means, remove this dog from you and your child’s presence.

Euthanasia is the best advice you’ve received, but whatever gets it away from you and your child will work.

Let us know how it works out.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Look, your husband and your sil are not taking into account your concerns. Your husband is not being a responsible parent. This is a dangerous situation. You have tried reason, but it hasn't worked. Either leave with your child to protect him/her or take the dog and have it euthanized so they cannot go and "rescue" it from the shelter. You have to stop letting them walk all over you and do something outrageous yourself!

Furthermore, this woman considers this animal to be her baby. She considers her baby to be more important that your actual baby. Let that sink in. Then consider that your husband is allowing her to put herself and dog above both you, his wife, and his child. Putting the dog down is nothing compared to what they are doing. They are so far out of line that almost nothing you could do would compare to their bad behavior towards you and your child.

Why do you care what they think when clearly they don't care about what you think or feel? It's time to stand up for yourself and stop allowing yourself and your child to be in this situation.

ETA: Don't do it behind their backs using the landlord for help. You have got to stand up for yourself and be a force to be reckoned with or they will continue to treat you with contempt.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

And, yes, people get angry with me sometimes, but they learn not to push me, because I'm nice - until I'm not.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MyRevelation said:


> You were correct ... OP described it as a Staffordshire Cross.
> 
> American Staffordshire Terriers when crossed with other bull type terriers are the foundation breed for what are commonly referred to as Pitbulls or Pitbull Terriers. The Pitbull is not a recognized breed by itself, but is the generic term for various crosses of the American Staffordshire Terrier.
> 
> ...


Now you got my attention. We have an American Pitbull Terrier and he is the best animal I have ever known. He is the smartest, most gentle and loving dog I have also ever encountered.

He is protective of his family but I have never seen anything but amazing care and restraint from this amazing animal.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Now you got my attention. We have an American Pitbull Terrier and he is the best animal I have ever known. He is the smartest, most gentle and loving dog I have also ever encountered.
> 
> He is protective of his family but I have never seen anything but amazing care and restraint from this amazing animal.


Much as Cynthiade said above ... it will be a good dog, until it isn’t.

Seriously, why would you bet your family against hundreds of years of breeding to fight to the death?

I am a breeder/trainer of English setter bird dogs. I have a current litter of them that will point naturally at 6 weeks old without ever seeing a game bird. In a few weeks, they’ll also retrieve naturally ... some better than others .... because that’s what they’ve been bred to do for centuries.

You have a dog that was bred to kill other animals in pit matches for decades/centuries.

Why would anyone own such an animal and let it live with their family?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MyRevelation said:


> Much as Cynthiade said above ... it will be a good dog, until it isn’t.
> 
> Seriously, why would you bet your family against hundreds of years of breeding to fight to the death?
> 
> ...


I've never met one I didn't like. Ours won't harm anything unless it threatens his family.

He found a baby goose and adopted it. He loves babies and children and they can maul him with nothing but patient love in return.

He has never hurt anything or anyone.

He is also brilliant and incredible at following directions.

How many have you owned?


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

I would NEVER own one. PERIOD!!!

As much as I LOVE dogs ... I actually advocate euthanasia of all Pitbull type animals as a way to eliminate the “breed” forever.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MyRevelation said:


> I would NEVER own one. PERIOD!!!
> 
> As much as I LOVE dogs ... I actually advocate euthanasia of all Pitbull type animals as a way to eliminate the “breed” forever.


I'm far more an expert than you. You are ignorant in the extreme. Talk about what you actually have experience with and maybe someone will take you seriously.

What an incredible joke.

I have a background in fighting. This would be similar to you having zero fight experience or training and trying to tell me how an arm bar is ineffective or that open hand strikes are no good.

Keep talking about things you know nothing about 

Irrelevant advice from an irrelevant advisor might be your niche.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> Now you got my attention. We have an American Pitbull Terrier and he is the best animal I have ever known. He is the smartest, most gentle and loving dog I have also ever encountered.
> 
> He is protective of his family but I have never seen anything but amazing care and restraint from this amazing animal.


They can be great dogs if bred right, treated right and trained.
What's given them such a bad rap is none of those mentioned are followed and leadership exercises ignored.
@MyRevelation any dog can be just as the APT if not taught and controlled properly. 
And APT were not bred for pit fighting. 
They were originally bred to catch an hold cattle.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

MyRevelation said:


> I would NEVER own one. PERIOD!!!
> 
> As much as I LOVE dogs ... *I actually advocate euthanasia of all Pitbull type animals *as a way to eliminate the “breed” forever.


Ow that's a bit harsh! 

I wouldn't have a pibble either, only because I know that they do need a firm owner, and I'm just not firm enough. That's why I have spaniels pmsl, because it's a toss up over who's the bigger sook - me or them :rofl: My youngest brother on the other hand, is very strict and firm with his dogs - he has shepherds, so he has to be, he could raise a beautifully balanced pit bull, but I could not.

Pit bulls are one of the most abused dogs there are, and that's mainly because of the qualities they possess that endear them to so many, which is heartbreaking


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MyRevelation said:


> You were correct ... OP described it as a Staffordshire Cross.
> 
> American Staffordshire Terriers when crossed with other bull type terriers are the foundation breed for what are commonly referred to as Pitbulls or Pitbull Terriers. The Pitbull is not a recognized breed by itself, but is the generic term for various crosses of the American Staffordshire Terrier.
> 
> ...


My mom had a Staffy Dalmatian cross. Whenever anyone teased him, he'd run to my mom, tap her leg and stare at whomever it was. My mom would then deal with them.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think the point of this thread has been sidetracked. It truly doesn't matter what breed of dog it is, the issue is the OP doesn't want the dog or the SIL in her home. She needs to stand up to both her husband and the SIL. I say if they won't remove the dog the OP should rehome it herself.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

OP, you need to do something definitive about this dog. After this thread, if any child were hurt by the dog because you have done nothing since this thread, you may be blamed for the problems. That is, you identified a problem but did nothing about it. Not to mention, you would never forgive yourself.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Cooper said:


> I think the point of this thread has been sidetracked. It truly doesn't matter what breed of dog it is, the issue is the OP doesn't want the dog or the SIL in her home. She needs to stand up to both her husband and the SIL. I say if they won't remove the dog the OP should rehome it herself.


Exactly, and from her last post it appears the OP is going to do just that.

As far as the other circular argument ... it never changes ... people love to use exceptions to try to invalidate the rule.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> I'm far more an expert than you. You are ignorant in the extreme. Talk about what you actually have experience with and maybe someone will take you seriously.
> 
> What an incredible joke.
> 
> ...


Huh ... a fighter with a Pitbull!

Kind of proving the stereotype from my previous post.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

red oak said:


> They can be great dogs if bred right, treated right and trained.
> What's given them such a bad rap is none of those mentioned are followed and leadership exercises ignored.
> 
> @MyRevelation any dog can be just as the APT if not taught and controlled properly.
> ...


I did a bunch of research when Mrs. C said she wanted one.

I found out that the facts about the animals were good.

There is a lot of hysterical hype but the facts don't align with the bad press these animals get.

My youngest sister was nearly torn apart by a German Shepherd, I have I have been harrassed and or bitten by muts, labs, Doberman Pinchers and Rottweilers and I don't believe any breed is jus bad.

I have never been harrassed or harmed by any bully breed. I know it happens but facts do not show dog attacks to be slanted towards bully breeds at all.

We are all just fortunate that Chihuahuas aren't bigger or we would all be dead!:grin2:


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cooper said:


> I think the point of this thread has been sidetracked. It truly doesn't matter what breed of dog it is, the issue is the OP doesn't want the dog or the SIL in her home. She needs to stand up to both her husband and the SIL. I say if they won't remove the dog the OP should rehome it herself.


I agree and I ignored him until his bull **** got a little too deep.

I was thinking the same thing however and I said my piece to OP so I'll jump from this one.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> I know it happens but facts do not show dog attacks to be slanted towards bully breeds at all.
> :


The first link on a google search for “fatal dog attacks by breed in 2018”

https://www.dogsbite.org/dog-bite-statistics-fatalities-2018.php


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> My mom had a Staffy Dalmatian cross. Whenever anyone teased him, he'd run to my mom, tap her leg and stare at whomever it was. My mom would then deal with them.


Considering you are from the UK, your Mom’s dog was likely a cross of a Staffordshire Bull Terrier ... the cattle dog Red Oak refers to ... not an American Staffordshire Terrier, the foundation breed of Pitbulls.

Completely different breeds, bred for different uses. Use Google Images to see the difference.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What happened in your childhood that caused you to be afraid to speak up for your own needs?

THAT is the real issue here. You are being a doormat and your husband and his sister are having the real relationship; you're just the nanny/cook/cleaner/sex partner that makes his life convenient.

Want to solve this? Take your child and go stay somewhere for the summer. Let him decide what really matters.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Annizka said:


> Just to answer a few questions. The meat is paid for by both my husband and SIL.
> The yard is also cleaned by both. SIL comes almost daily to take the dog out twice. She stays over for sometimes at least two hours. So far no neighbors have complained about the dog, but I wish they did.
> Husband wouldn’t mind taking it to a shelter, but he doesn’t want them to euthanize the dog. And he knows no one would adopt an aggressive dog. He has told me he won’t be doing that when I have suggested it before.
> 
> ...


You might not have the money for this but I'm going to suggest it just in case.

A friend of mine had a dog that was not well socialized and trained because she was at work a lot. She found a local training who took the dog for a 2 or 3 months and did wonders. When the dog was returned to her it was 're-educated', meaning that it understood commands, interacted well with people, etc. The change was amazing.

Most of all I feel bad for the dog living in your yard. It's so unfair and not really all that hard to make the necessary changes through training. To be honest, the first level of training needs to be with the adult humans who need to learn how to be leaders of the pack because the type of dog you have needs a strong leader. Without that the dog is insecure and acts out.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

> But *SIL believes the dog won’t do anything to babies, that she loves them*.


77% of all dog bites to children are from the family dog.
This full website should be required for all pet owners before purchasing or adopting a dog.
https://www.thefamilydog.com/stop-the-77/

https://www.dogexpert.com/fatal-dog-attack-in-california-on-infant-by-pomeranian/


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

An update. Also would appreciate input and advice. 

So earlier this week I messaged the SIL if she could just come on the weekends because every time she goes in and out of the house, my 1 year old throws a tantrum and cries wanting to go out too, and I have to keep stopping what I’m doing to quiet him down, and if he’s napping, he wakes up from the door noise or from the dog when she’s in the house on the way out from the backyard. I also told her that if she wants to talk or anything (she has a cheating husband and sometimes we talk together about that and I offer support) that she is welcome any time to come over. Well she read the message and didn’t reply, and she always replies right away. 

This I sent her after I totally had it. That day she had taken the dog out to swim in the pond. And when she came in with the dog, there were brown water spots on the tile by the door. Later when she noticed them, she just wiped them with her hands as if that’s gonna magically clean it. And of course when she was leaving, my 1 year old throws himself on the floor over that dirty area. 

Because of the cultural requirement to walk on egg shells around your elders, I didn’t mention to her how unsanitary I thought she was and how sick I was of her coming over every day. I just mentioned about how it was hard for me to keep quieting my baby down. 

I don’t give a damn if she’s mad or not, but really what bothered me the most, and this is something I would like your input on if I’m normal for feeling like this or if I’m thinking way too much into it, is that after I told my husband that I messaged his sister about just coming on the weekends and how she didn’t reply, his demeanor changed and he was kinda cold toward me and quiet. The next day, right after he comes home from work, before asking me
how I am or anything as usual, he asks if I took care of the dog. Of course I did. 

To give a reminder how the current set up was, this dog is SIL’s dog that she can’t keep so my husband was keeping it since before we married. So the SIL would always go to my husband’s house to take care of her while husband was at work. The plan before we were marrying was that the dog would stay with my husband and I, and I would take over taking care of it. There was no mention of how the SIL would keep coming everyday. Well after getting married, the SIL kept coming everyday and I thought this was a temporary thing, until I got used to the dog. Turns out nope, she likes coming to see the dog. So what we’d do is that while husband was at work, I’d give the dog breakfast, then maybe 4 hours later the SIL would come and give the dog another meal and spend 1-2 hours. So it’s not like I wasn’t taking care of the dog. I am. It’s just that the SIL feels like she is in charge and rejects anything that she feels she doesn’t like, such as when I tried to reason with them that this raw meat diet wasn’t healthy, unsanitary, and just inconvenient. This went on for about two years all because of my lack of spine and being embarrassed to speak up until maybe 9 months ago when I told my husband how I feel about the SIL. 

Anyways, I later ask my husband if he’s bothered that I told his sister that, and he says of course I am. Then cue me exploding on him about who in their right minds think it’s ok to keep going over someone’s house everyday, giving them no privacy, and how unclean his sister is, and how I’m tired of this all, and how if he wants he can tell her to keep coming everyday but that I’ll be leaving this house. And how he fails to understand how I feel. Then I went to put baby to bed and just slept with him early. 

Next day I sent him this message to work:
I’m sending this now because its gonna stay in my mind the whole day if I didn’t let you know. Since yesterday I still feel like you didn’t understand me or acknowledged why I’d feel this way. I’m disappointed that you can’t seem to understand why I am feeling angry or uncomfortable with the idea of someone coming over everyday, at random times, sometimes even coming in without me knowing they’re here until I see them in the house. Other than the fact that I have no privacy in this house, the fact that I am constantly having to clean up after them, and how I have to keep stopping what I’m doing to get (baby) to quiet down or get him out of the way the entire time they’re here. The fact that you don’t understand why i feel this way is what’s bothering me most about this. You don’t seem to understand me no matter how often we talk about this. And if you continue to feel like I am being unreasonable or resent me for this, and I continue to feel like I don’t have your support, then that’s not gonna be healthy for our relationship. You might think this whole thing is silly or that I’m being dramatic, but I am the one dealing with it and I have lost my patience after two years of this, with no action being taken since I first mentioned it other than telling me to basically deal with it. If (the dog) is your dog, then you and I need to take care of her. If she’s (SIL’s) dog, then (SIL) needs to figure out a way to take her. But I will no longer be having someone coming over everyday. I think I’m being reasonable in telling her to come on the weekends to see (the dog), although someone else might have not even offered that. This is all my fault for not speaking up in the first week and feeling embarrassed to talk about this and now I’m seen as the bad guy by you and most likely SIL, the two closest people I have here.

And he replied that he understands my frustration and that what his sister does annoys him too even if he doesn’t show it. And that he’s working hard to save up money to buy a house so that the dog doesn’t have to come through the house to get outside. And he is trying hard to make everyone happy. 
And when he came home we talked and basically what his solution to this problem used to be for me to deal with his sister coming over everyday and deal with her mess until we buy a house, which could take at least a year, maybe more. I told him it’s not fair that the solution to this problem was at my expense. I already have been living like this for two years, not gonna live like this for another year. But that’s what he sees as the best solution, which I will no longer be accepting. 
And he told me that knowing how sensitive his sister is, he wouldn’t be surprised if she never talked to me again. Because she loves that dog more than her children and how she is probably hurt that she won’t be able to see the dog as often and that just me telling her not to come probably hurt her feelings too. And mentioned if i could message her asking if she’s mad or anything. I shut that down and said that I asked her very nicely about her just coming on the weekends, and that what I asked what not unreasonable, and that I did not do anything wrong, so I will not be messaging her about anything especially given the fact she didn’t even reply. 

So that was all to fill you in. 

Now here is where I could use some advice. I know that they’re all gonna now ask me to message her and try to sweeten up to the SIL up and try to get her to feel better. But I do NOT want to do that. As I told you, this is very common in our culture to admit you’re in the wrong even if you’re not when it comes to your elders, but I will not be doing this. In your opinion, if it comes to a point where my husband is really pushing me to do it, would you if you were in my place just go ahead and message her just to keep the peace? Or would you stand your ground?

Also, as I said, what bothered me most about this whole thing was my husband’s reaction, how he was acting cold and how his demeanor changed. I feel like he’s more worried about his sister’s feeling than about me. Although he did tell me later that he understands why I am feeling angry about the whole SIL thing and that I am not in the wrong, what’s bothered me is that his first reaction was basically to punish me by acting cold towards me. In your eyes, is this something minor and should I let it go since he did say later he understands me? I talked to him about this again last night, about how come if he says he understands my feelings and that I’m not wrong, why was he mad at me? He said well, because the situation is difficult now. And then when I tell him that doesn’t make sense, you could have reacted differently if you did understand my feelings, then he tells me that I’m not understanding him and that he’s justified in feeling angry. When I told him you’re more worried about you sister’s feelings than mine, he turned it into me saying that it was “me against your family”. I explained it’s not like that, that if he had acted differently I wouldn’t be thinking like this, but he still kept saying how I turned this into me vs his family. I feel like he’s not understanding. It’s like he knows what I’m going through, but wants me to keep quiet and deal with this sh*t show just so I don’t cause a commotion. And he’s mad that I did just that. 

How do you all see it? Because I feel like he turned his back on me when I did nothing wrong but stand up for myself. Or am I looking too deep into this and should I get over his reaction?

At the end we said let’s not keep talking about this and ended the conversation but him acting that way is still bothering me. 

Would this be something that warrants marriage counseling in your opinion? Or is counseling for more serious things? 

This whole mess has happened because I was a doormat. Now when I stood up for myself, I’m seen as the bad guy. This is a lesson for me.


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Also, just realized the title of this post says
“Problems because of the dog.” The dog isn’t really the problem. The problem is the boundary stomping, common-sense lacking SIL, and the doormat me. 
Yes the dog is extremely untrained, but that’s because the SIL has not trained it and won’t accept anyone coming in and taking charge to take care of it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

The problem isn't you or your SIL....it's your husband.

You shouldn't be sending her emails.....he should be handling his family.

Do yourself a favor and go stay with your parents until he decides where his priorities are.


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> The problem isn't you or your SIL....it's your husband.
> 
> You shouldn't be sending her emails.....he should be handling his family.
> 
> Do yourself a favor and go stay with your parents until he decides where his priorities are.


I asked him many times to let tell her to come on the weekends but he told me “how can I tell my sister not to come over my house?” So that’s why I decided that I needed to take care of this and messaged her myself. 

I really wish I could spend some time away. I live in another country and do not have any family here, other than the SIL and her family.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your husband obviously expects you to deal with the current situation while he's saving for a house. He isn't likely to support you over your SIL. You could certainly suggest MC if you could find a counselor that doesn't go along with the cultural norm of deference to elders. And if your husband would be willing to go.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Either you or the dog needs to leave. Since you have no where to go, then it’s the dog.

Tell H and SIL they have till next weekend to find the dog another home or you’re taking it to the pound.

If you’re already the bad guy, why not do something that makes your life easier, regardless of what they think.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Annizka said:


> I feel like he’s more worried about his sister’s feeling than about me. Although he did tell me later that he understands why I am feeling angry about the whole SIL thing and that I am not in the wrong, what’s bothered me is that his first reaction was basically to punish me by acting cold towards me.


Two things. First, yes, he IS more worried about his sister's feelings. He isn't afraid of you; he IS afraid of his family's condemnation. Until you make it clear you WILL leave him if he doesn't put you first, he won't fear you leaving (i.e. respect you) more than he fears their wrath.

Second, his reaction wasn't being angry with you; it was being AFRAID. For whatever reason, his family culture - and I've seen it over and over here - is that the family unit comes first and any spouses come second. Somehow, they've rooted in their family that anyone who doesn't live by that rule will be punished somehow. I'm not sure what that punishment looks like in his family, but trust me, it's there. It's like living with an abusive parent. So when he found out you dared defy the family legend, he cowered in fear, shut down, and silently wailed about whatever was coming for you upsetting the balance.

The problem is that men who are raised in such families rarely learn how to overcome that fear-based decision-making. If it takes you being the strong one, he will secretly be grateful for you doing it, becoming the scapegoat so he, too, can escape their control. What you have to ask yourself is are you willing to be that person? I've seen dozens of families where the couple under siege decides to simply MOVE AWAY so that there's no way for the family to keep exerting that sort of control. It's often the only way. 

So, do you love your husband? If so, I suggest you work toward that, not toward leaving him. Help him save up to buy a new house, far away from his family. In the meantime, be the scapegoat, the ungrateful selfish witch who's ruining the family, until you two can escape.

One thing that would help in the meantime is getting him to a therapist with you so you can discuss this fear of his family and let the professional show him that there IS a way out, that he'll survive.


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