# Exhausted and want to fix this!



## BAN919 (Nov 20, 2017)

I'm a 26 year old female and my husband is a 36 year old man. We have been together for 5 years. We have one young daughter (18 months) and I am pregnant with our second child.

When we met we both had high sex drives and our average was at least every other day. We have done it all. This lasted until our first child was born. Sex obviously decreased as is to be expected but we still would sneak upstairs for quickies when she was napping or safe and occupied.

Currently (before I was pregnant) we have decreased to around once a week. It is very depressing as I know we both would like it to be more often. He is a stay at home dad and I go to work. My schedule is somewhat flexible as I have no set start time I usually work 9 to 5 or 10 to 6. He gets up with our daughter and gives her breakfast while I get ready for work. Then we all spend time together before I go. He does a lot of house work and most of the cooking. I appreciate everything he does very much and for the most part think he is a really great guy. And he seems to appreciate my going to work and financial support. 

Back to sex...he still initiates quite often. But it is usually at night and I'm exhausted and tired from work and probably pregnancy as well. I usually give our daughter a bath and then put her to bed then come downstairs to relax with him and fall asleep. He will watch television, have a smoke, and then wake me to go to bed. Where he will try to have sex. I'm usually grumpy or not fully with it and I pull away from him. He questions me in the morning and asks me why i pulled away? Or if I am upset about something. Sometimes things are upsetting me but most of the time I just wanted to sleep. 

He has always been into morning sex and at this point in my life I would prefer it too. But our child is up, in theory she can be safely contained and entertained but that would be enough for a quick session in which I would not get off anyway and we would both be a little unsatisfied. And in the afternoons I'm at work and unavailable. 


Timing just never seems right...

Another issue is when we do have sex I get off from oral and him from piv. We both almost always get off and enjoy it in that aspect. But I know we both miss the variety of things we use to do. My problem is I just have little interest in them anymore. We use to do bondage, anal, threesomes, swinging, lingerie, dressing up and going out and getting hotels just to play, outdoor and public things and much more. I'm not necessarily now opposed to doing these things but I don't get the same enjoyment from them as I once did. I know he misses them, but he also follows up with "I'm just happy to be with in any way I can".

I suppose in the end. I want us to have sex more often and try to find a way to be more excited and interested in the myriad of things we once did. I stopped doing them but my interest never got replaced by anything else. I don't want this to get worse. I love him and he loves me and I feel we both should be having better then this.

Thank you. 

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

This sounds totally normal to me. The good thing is you both want to do it more often, when you want to do it is out of phase which can be negotiated but not right now. Me thinks you will mostly need to just tough it out for a few more years until the 2nd child is born and both are a bit older. 

There is hope, this is not the same as 'the first child was borne and her (or his) sex drive switched OFF. Infancy to kindergarten is pretty widely known as the lowest point in a marriage as far as sex goes...


----------



## BAN919 (Nov 20, 2017)

anonmd said:


> This sounds totally normal to me. The good thing is you both want to do it more often, when you want to do it is out of phase which can be negotiated but not right now. Me thinks you will mostly need to just tough it out for a few more years until the 2nd child is born and both are a bit older.
> 
> There is hope, this is not the same as 'the first child was borne and her (or his) sex drive switched OFF. Infancy to kindergarten is pretty widely known as the lowest point in a marriage as far as sex goes...


I understand that these things are normal but going so long with severely decreased sex and intimacy breeds resentment and complacency. 

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Babies should come with warning labels from the surgeon general that state that the parent's sex lives will never be the same again. 

If the couple works together and has mutual understanding, respect and compassion for each other and they communicate their needs and limitations with each other, then in time they can have a reasonably healthy and somewhat satisfactory sex life again some day.

But it will never be the same as it was before children.


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

BAN919 said:


> I'm a 26 year old female and my husband is a 36 year old man. We have been together for 5 years. We have one young daughter (18 months) and I am pregnant with our second child.
> 
> When we met we both had high sex drives and our average was at least every other day. We have done it all. This lasted until our first child was born. Sex obviously decreased as is to be expected but we still would sneak upstairs for quickies when she was napping or safe and occupied.
> 
> ...


Make more time in the morning. Both of you go to bed earlier, thereby allowing you to get up earlier than you are now. This will extend the amount of free time you have in the morning, by waking up earlier than the baby does.

Your child won't spontaneously combust if she has to wait 15 minutes to be fed. So even if she does wake up, she doesn't have to immediately be attended to.


----------



## BAN919 (Nov 20, 2017)

I will certainly try to wake us up a little earlier. Since I don't have to be at work at a certain time, we use her as our alarm clock. The one time I have tried to wake him up nicely he immediately popped up to go pee and then our daughter started to chatter and he immediately got her up and took her downstairs. He later told me he appreciated the gesture.

I always knew that having children would change things. I just didn't realize how significant it would be. The less sex we have less I want it. It is just very jarring. 

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

/


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You definitely should be using an alarm clock. You two need your OWN quality time and right now, since you have such a great work schedule, morning is it. 

Also, do you have a regular babysitter yet? You need one who you pay a little more than other parents so she's more loyal to you, and you have a set evening (or weekend afternoon) that's just for you and him.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

BAN919 said:


> I want us to have sex more often and try to find a way to be more excited and interested in the myriad of things we once did.


If the two of you are having scheduling problems, you will probably need to make it a priority to make time for one another in your schedules. I know that sounds easier than done while both of you struggle to manage work and taking care of your family. Seriously sit down and talk about scheduling and give time together for the two of you a priority. At first it may increase anxiety a little, but as soon as scheduling time together becomes a little more routine the two of you can enjoy the added dynamic of anticipation and planning something fun. 

Aside from that the two of you can also take advantage of time apart to be playful with one another. Perhaps you could buy each other some playful novelties as gifts and encourage each other to enjoy thinking about each other with these gifts while the two of you are apart. Make it a point to send each other playful texts throughout the day as well. 

As a last resort you could also keep a large jar of coconut oil next to the bed. When you wake up, ask your husband to help rub some on your belly to help keep your skin healthy during the pregnancy. Make sure to apply way too much coconut oil during the process, and magical things will just start happening.

Cheers, 
Badsanta


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Color me skeptical but...

He was 31 and you were 21 when you met. Prior to settling down, you guys had a kinky relationship that often involved other people. Now you got a kid, you, I guess, are not really into sex and he wants to still get laid. Talk about doing a 180 with respect to a sex life. Were you having threesomes while married? I think the bar has been set at unrealistic heights and now you are so far below it, I'd say he may be one to cheat considering you've already opened that door.


----------



## BAN919 (Nov 20, 2017)

Thank you everyone for your replies. It helpful. When it comes to accepting that a family of three is all we can handle, I am currently pregnant with our second child. So, there is not much to be done with that. Lol.

We currently do not have a sitter. In the past 6 months we have had a date night once and it was very nice. We drove around, had a little dinner, and went to a diner for pie and coffee. Nothing extravagant but nice.

We use to have a wonder couple that would watch our daughter and they were extremely trustworthy and affordable. They even took her overnight on short notice. However, we moved and have had a difficult time finding someone has trustworthy and flexible. His mother is actually coming by this evening to watch our daughter before she goes to work. So, while Tuesday night isn't ideal for a date as I will be at work all day. I will take what I can get for now.

Badsanta, we use to do things like that very often. Flirty texts, sneaky photos throughout the day. But it died off. I'm not certain what happened. He still tries sometimes and I try to reciprocate if I can. 

I appreciate all of your responses and helpful suggestions.



Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


----------



## BAN919 (Nov 20, 2017)

Herschel said:


> Color me skeptical but...
> 
> He was 31 and you were 21 when you met. Prior to settling down, you guys had a kinky relationship that often involved other people. Now you got a kid, you, I guess, are not really into sex and he wants to still get laid. Talk about doing a 180 with respect to a sex life. Were you having threesomes while married? I think the bar has been set at unrealistic heights and now you are so far below it, I'd say he may be one to cheat considering you've already opened that door.


We had threesomes before marriage and stopped playing with others probably a year or so before marriage. It was a mutual decision. We started having problems and decided to focus on just our relationship. Playing with others is not banned from our sex life currently. No one said we can never do this again. I am still interested in doing it occasionally as is he with well defined boundaries. The only thing stopping us at this point is finding reliable care for our daughter, and the right timing. I would also like to enrich our sex life on its own before introducing others.

We never did it because we were unsatisfied. We did it as a bonus.

As far as the cheating I don't know when he would ever find the time, for one. Two, I do genuinely feel that he loves me and I love him and he fully understands the consequences and fallout of his actions if that is what he chose to do. As do I.

As far as me not wanting sex...I would not be here if I wasn't interested. I would not bother to ask for advice. My drive is not what it once was. But intellectually, I still crave it and when we do have sex I physically remember why I wanted it so much in the first place. I'm not happy with it just once a week, and neither is he. We both desire it more and have individual and collective things that hinder the process. 

I realize and understand that things may never really be the same as they once were. I think only an idiot would expect that. However, I refuse to allow this to be our life. We want and deserve better. My actual drive has gone way down. The frequency has decreased but the want is still the same. That is why I am trying. 



Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Babies should come with warning labels from the surgeon general that state that the parent's sex lives will never be the same again.
> 
> If the couple works together and has mutual understanding, respect and compassion for each other and they communicate their needs and limitations with each other, then in time they can have a reasonably healthy and somewhat satisfactory sex life again some day.
> 
> But it will never be the same as it was before children.


Nope. Not the same. Better! So speak for yourself.  Granted when the kids are teeny, it is hard.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BAN919 said:


> We had threesomes before marriage and stopped playing with others probably a year or so before marriage. It was a mutual decision. We started having problems and decided to focus on just our relationship. Playing with others is not banned from our sex life currently. No one said we can never do this again. I am still interested in doing it occasionally as is he with well defined boundaries. The only thing stopping us at this point is finding reliable care for our daughter, and the right timing. I would also like to enrich our sex life on its own before introducing others.
> 
> We never did it because we were unsatisfied. We did it as a bonus.
> 
> ...



I get where you are coming from. 

The main difference between 'then' and 'now' is back then everything was spontaneous, natural and organic.

Now it is going to take planning, scheduling and you may not already be "in the mood."

Before kids, people are often "in the mood" at about any given time spontaneously. 

After kids, the "mood" must be created; it doesn't just spontaneously happen on it's own any more.

It takes planning, scheduling and then seduction and foreplay etc to generate arousal and get in the mood.

Before kids it just happened.

After kids it takes mindful effort.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BAN919 said:


> We had threesomes before marriage and stopped playing with others probably a year or so before marriage. It was a mutual decision. We started having problems and decided to focus on just our relationship. Playing with others is not banned from our sex life currently. No one said we can never do this again. I am still interested in doing it occasionally as is he with well defined boundaries. The only thing stopping us at this point is finding reliable care for our daughter, and the right timing. I would also like to enrich our sex life on its own before introducing others.
> 
> We never did it because we were unsatisfied. We did it as a bonus.
> 
> ...



I get where you are coming from. 

The main difference between 'then' and 'now' is back then everything was spontaneous, natural and organic.

Now it is going to take planning, scheduling and you may not already be "in the mood."

Before kids, people are often "in the mood" at about any given time spontaneously. 

After kids, the "mood" must be created; it doesn't just spontaneously happen on it's own any more.

It takes planning, scheduling and then seduction and foreplay etc to generate arousal and get in the mood.

Before kids it just happened.

After kids it takes mindful effort.


----------



## BAN919 (Nov 20, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> I get where you are coming from.
> 
> The main difference between 'then' and 'now' is back then everything was spontaneous, natural and organic.
> 
> ...


This is true. Things were better when it was easier to do it whenever we pleased. A part of me now feels really turned off by "scheduling" sex or time to be together. I still crave that organic progression of things. But I know it isn't as easy or even possible at some points.

It use to be barring physical distance, physical or emotional distress we had sex and we had it almost every day, multiple times a day as much as possible and we maintained this for years. Now it feels like a lifetime ago. I suppose I just have to learn how to make do with what I have. 

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BAN919 said:


> This is true. Things were better when it was easier to do it whenever we pleased. A part of me now feels really turned off by "scheduling" sex or time to be together. I still crave that organic progression of things. But I know it isn't as easy or even possible at some points.
> 
> It use to be barring physical distance, physical or emotional distress we had sex and we had it almost every day, multiple times a day as much as possible and we maintained this for years. Now it feels like a lifetime ago. I suppose I just have to learn how to make do with what I have.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


It is a lifetime ago. 

You live 3 different lives during you time on earth.

The first is as a child.

The second is as a childless adult.

And the 3rd is as a parent.

Once you are a parent, that carefree, fun loving, free spirit with the 24/7 sexdrive is gone. Now you have multiple responsibilities and stressors and the stakes for everything is a 1000 times higher. It's no longer just about you and your fun and excitement. 

This is adulthood and parenthood.
You have few options. 

Your options are - 

- you can abandon your H and children and try to return to your single, childless status and get back on the party circuit and c0(k carousel. 

- you can delve 100% into child rearing and neglect your own and your H's needs until he hands you divorce papers and he goes off with his new GF and you are a single mother.

- accept you won't have the spontanaity and effortless passion anymore and put in the effort and planning to keep both you and your H at least reasonably happy enough to remain under the same roof in an at least healthy marriage.

Welcome to the real world of adulthood and parenthood.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

.... And just so you don't think it is all doom and gloom after parenthood- my wife and I had the usual slump after the babies started coming and I didn't know if we'd ever have a sex life again.

But after the youngest was about 2 is when her libido and interest started coming back and shortly thereafter is when started discussing our marital Sexlife in earnest and that is when we started getting involved in the swinging lifestyle. 

Most couples that are active and functional in the lifestyle are middle aged and married for 10-15 or more years and the kids are old enough that they don't need 24/7 hands on care. 

If you had that active and adventurous of a sex life before kids, you can get some of that back after the kids are older as long as you can survive this stage as a couple and find a way to navigate through it together.


----------



## BAN919 (Nov 20, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> It is a lifetime ago.
> 
> You live 3 different lives during you time on earth.
> 
> ...


Oldshirt, thank you for the wide advice. I will work on date nights, and trying to get more out of our evenings alone after baby goes to bed. I suppose in the end I am realizing that things will never be the same and I need to accept it. I feel as if I am mourning it. As silly as it may sound. And it just feels so sudden. We maintained a decent amount of sex up until about 6 months ago and I can pinpoint any exact thing that happened and it feels confusing to say the least. 

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

How far away from home do you work? What time of day does baby go down for a nap? Personally, my sex drive is highest in the afternoon. I'm way too tired at bed time, and I'm slow to get going at 5:00AM when she wakes up (I get up closer to 6:00AM). Coming home for a lunch break would be great if you're close enough. Perhaps force yourself to do it a couple times to see if it catches on.


----------



## BAN919 (Nov 20, 2017)

I also want to note that before the babies and all. Sex had some times where it was boring and routine. We usually would talk about things to try and do and would work it out. I have had open relationships and kink pretty much since I became sexually active. He had a few before we met. There isn't much I haven't done or haven't been willing to do. I did notice that it was often older couples in the lifestyle and I was often kind of an odd one out being so young.

As for him... I have discussed this all with him and he tells me what he wants and feels. But at the end of the day he expresses that no matter what he just wants to spend time with me and what we are doing specifically takes a back seat and he has been this way consistently in our relationship. 

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


----------



## BAN919 (Nov 20, 2017)

WorkingOnMe said:


> How far away from home do you work? What time of day does baby go down for a nap? Personally, my sex drive is highest in the afternoon. I'm way too tired at bed time, and I'm slow to get going at 5:00AM when she wakes up (I get up closer to 6:00AM). Coming home for a lunch break would be great if you're close enough. Perhaps force yourself to do it a couple times to see if it catches on.


Hi work about 10 minutes from home. Occasionally he and baby will meet me for lunch at a near by diner but as far as being able to leave for an extended period of time it would not be feasible. I coordinate all of the billing for the Anesthesia group that works for the two major hospitals in the area and the largest surgical center. 

Our daughter is not good at napping. She never has been. He tries to get to nap at 10:30 and some days she will and others she refuses. And then she naps around 3pm. She also will only nap while being held. The most time we get with her in her crib is 20 to 30 minutes. We have tried everything to change this to avail. 

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BAN919 said:


> . I suppose in the end I am realizing that things will never be the same and I need to accept it. I feel as if I am mourning it. As silly as it may sound.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


Actually 'mourning' is the perfect expression.

It *IS * a loss. The loss of your freedom and spontanaity and loss of innate desire is a very real loss and a loss worth mourning. 

It's ok to mourn as long as you do it in a healthy and productive manner.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BAN919 said:


> Oldshirt, . We maintained a decent amount of sex up until about 6 months ago and I can pinpoint any exact thing that happened and it feels confusing to say the least.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


What was that thing that happened 6 months ago?


----------



## BAN919 (Nov 20, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> What was that thing that happened 6 months ago?


Sorry, I mistyped. It should have said I can not pinpoint anything. I started my new job at that point. That's the only difference. However, my current job is higher paying, less stressful, and more flexible than my previous position. I was previously a case manager for a group home. I was constantly working weird hours, getting phone calls from staff at all hours, or one my clients was having a meltdown. Even with that we managed a more involved sex life than we do now. Plus when I worked that job my daughter was a more demanding infant. He was more stressed because I wasnt there to help as much as I am now. And still sex was better and more frequent. I just can't tell what happened. 

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> It is a lifetime ago.
> 
> You live 3 different lives during you time on earth.
> 
> ...


Ok, let me add a little bit to that, in that there are more than 3 stages. 

Oh, and don't forget in the very early part of adult parenthood, there can be the Madonna-Wh#re phase where the woman you use to lust after and want to have crazy sex is now the mother of your children and you were in the delivery room and that part of her body you use to love sliding in and out of is where you child appeared one day and you will never get that image out of your mind.

Being a little flippant I will suggest a few more stages.


- mid-life crisis, where you realize you are mortal and you want to focus on having more fun in your life and you don't care as much about your responsibilities. Anything can happen, depending on how crazy you get and how your spouse reacts.

- Kids leave home (finally) and you become an empty nester but still working. This means you and your spouse can have sex anytime you want, in any room you want, whenever the mood strikes the both of you, assuming you still have desire and are physcially able.

- Retirement years. This is when you have the time, maybe not the money for romantic things, or if you are lucky and have saved you can still do romantic things. Again, depending on physical ability and desire from both of you, you can have sex whenever and where ever you want and/or are capable of.

_ Oops years. Either a child divorces and moves back in with you, a married adult child wants you to provide significant daycare or surrogate parenting to a grandchild. Now you have absolutely no privacy for sex with your spouse.

- Nursing home years. Now you probably have little to no ability for sex, little privacy and you have given up.



> Welcome to the real world of adulthood and parenthood.


As David Schnarch in his book the Passionate Marriage says Marriage is one of the hardest things that two people can do, if it is done correctly. Marriage is a people growing machine that takes two people and puts incredible stress on them to weld or melt them into a single family unit. That process is anything but painless and stress free.

Good luck to the OP. It does get better, but you need to commit to each other and work at it all the years of your marriage.:wink2:


----------



## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Babies should come with warning labels from the surgeon general that state that the parent's sex lives will never be the same again.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I disagree, we had 4 children and were like bunnies between each. I think everyone is different, kinda like snowflakes


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## BAN919 (Nov 20, 2017)

David51 said:


> I disagree, we had 4 children and were like bunnies between each. I think everyone is different, kinda like snowflakes
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


David, we were as well for a long time after I had my daughter. It has been a relatively recent change. 

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


----------

