# I can't do this on my own



## Jmatj (Oct 18, 2012)

My husband just recently told me he doesn't want to be with me anymore, and I don't feel like I'm strong enough to handle it. I have no girlfriends, no close friends, no family to support me so I'm making a desperate attempt to reach out to strangers to give me the confidence I need to handle this.

Let me start out by saying that I'm only 26, been married for 3 years, together for over 7. I know it doesn't sound like much and I have my whole life ahead of me, especially because we have no kids, but it feels like the hardest and most impossible day of my life and I have no idea how to handle it or even where to start handling it. 

We started dating right after high school, maintained long distance through college while I studied in Europe, and then got married right after college. We were young, but we were both convinced it was an epic love story - we were different, but our differences complemented each other. My family, friends, career opportunities -- all remained in Europe. But I made a conscious decision to leave all of that behind to pursue my love.

No marriage is perfect, we had our fights. There were moments were he got abusive, both physically and mentally, but we addressed those issues. I wasn't perfect either; guilty of mistrust and nagging. But year ago, it seemed like we were growing as a couple. I loved him, good and bad, I adored him; even though I was not always able to show it.

In February, I suspected infidelity. I stumbled upon text messages in his phone, while putting it on the charger ... To several girls... That implied sexual relationships or at least desire to do so. I gathered all my courage and addressed it in a civil manner, with proof of screenshots, he had no choice to admit it. Not infidelity, but a desire to cheat. Seeing the pain I was going through, he promised to be a better man. 

Since then, the last couple of months he made an effort to be a better husband the best way he could, I saw that and appreciated that. Last couple of weeks have been the happiest moments of my marriage. He cooked for me, he listened to what I needed, he got me things I wanted... The things he never did before.

Then, out of nowhere, in a usual domestic argument he told me he couldn't do it anymore. I thought it was just another argument but as more days go by, I know he means it. He says he wasn't happy, he's been pretending, it's better that he leaves now than grow to hate me. No warning, no discussions, he just made a decision to throw away a 7 year relationship without any reason. I'm confused because he won't talk to me, he ignores me .. Avoids the subject... I spend my days and nights crying my eyes out, with no affect on his emotions.

I gave up everything for this man to move back to the states to be with him: my family,my friends, my grad school opportunity.. I am all alone here, no one to talk to, no shoulder to cry on, nothing. He was all I had here, and he knows it, I have backup plan and nowhere to go but it doesn't seem to covern him as he wants one of us to move out. I dedicated my life to him, been a loyal wife. What hurts the most is that I had dreams of buying our first house, I was ready to have a child with this man and be a family.

All I got in return is that he's nt happy and we got married to early. I feel like he's describing a different marriage.

I made so many sacrifices to make this work, I put all my cards into this marriage. Now, I feel so alone, like I have nothing left. No reason to continue because the person that was my life doesn't want me in his anymore and I dont even get an explanation. I'm broken. I didn't see this coming and I don't know how to handle this on my own. I spent days in bed crying myeyesnout while he stays out and doesn't even check up on me; this cant be good for my health.

Regardless of what happens, I love him. He is the love of my life and I don't know how to go on without him. Please help, how can I make myself sane and strong enough to handle it? 

If nothing else, it feels so good to let it ... Or type it... All out.
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## how was your day? (Oct 10, 2012)

i really understand where you are at... i am in the same situation except my wife walked out on me after 6 years being married on oct 1st

i truly wish you the best, this isn't easy... in some sick way it feels better knowing others are going through the same thing... hold on, we are here for you, this forum has helped me a lot this last month, ill keep updated on your story and provide suggestions when i think of them... its been a long day for me, today was the day i saw my wife stopped wearing her ring

take care my friend


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jmatj,

This is a man who hit you, verbally abused you and there's a good chance he's had an affair(s) and probably exposed you to STDs and you want him back?

Sorry but I think he did you a favor in leaving. Be thankful you don't have kids with this low-life. Get tested for STDs right away and strat a new life.

I know it's cliche but your still young. Find a man who will respect you, love you (and only you) and one who NEVER raises his hand against you!


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## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

Wow, you are hurt, and suffering. This is the hardest part of life. Divorce is the one of the most difficult and stressful thing you can go through in our culture. 
Stress at this point will do many things to you and your body. 
Listen, take steps to help yourself: join a support group immediatly, for God's sake dont turn to the bottle! 
During my darkest hours I felt like my heart would explode and my mind was going over the edge...what I found worked for me was meditation and working out. 
I still lost 21 pounds.

Church, support groups, therapy, counsellors, whomever you can find to talk to. Do it. Even on Craigslist, there are lots of ways to connect but the key thing here is to do just that, connect with others. 
Zappy88200: I am so sorry brother, your pain is so acute it's clear that you are suffering.

Take heart and be strong all of you, I know it seems overwhelming but give time to heal...lots of time! This isn't an easy part of your life, be careful and be smart. You will survive, key thing is to take care of yourself.


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## Jmatj (Oct 18, 2012)

Thank you for support and kind words, it gives me strength to continue. 



how was your day? said:


> i truly wish you the best, this isn't easy... in some sick way it feels better knowing others are going through the same thing... hold on, we are here for you, this forum has helped me a lot this last month, ill keep updated on your story and provide suggestions when i think of them... its been a long day for me, today was the day i saw my wife stopped wearing her ring


I'm sorry you're going through this too, I wouldn't wish the pain on my worst enemy.

I know what you mean about feeling better reading others' stories. 1) reading what other people are going through and handling, and some of stories are much worse than mine, make me realize that i too must be strong enough 2) that may be I didn't do anything wrong, there are others who got hurt when they did nothing to deserve it. 



Toffer said:


> Jmatj,
> 
> This is a man who hit you, verbally abused you and there's a good chance he's had an affair(s) and probably exposed you to STDs and you want


I cant make excuses for him, but we worked out his anger issues. he never admitted to cheating, only to "sexting". We worked those out too and I forgave him and gave him another chance. Last 6-8 months we haven't been fighting as much, he's been making an extra effort - such as walking away from arguments, arranging surprises, that's why his out of nowhere statement is such a shock. I thought we were doing better than ever and even started talking about having kids.



Zappy882000 said:


> I so much feel your pain when you said I cry my eyes out b/c I've been doing that for the last 100 days when my wife of 3 years left me, aborted my child of 5 1/2 months. I've no idea why did she do it to me and I never cheated on her, we have had our fights but I always tries to reconcile but she never did. I'm so clueless like you are


I'm sorry to hear that, like I said, I wouldn't wish the pain I feel on anyone. Just when it feels like I can handle it, i see a picture or remember a good time and the tears come back. Can't imagine what it's like to also lose a child. 

Its the hardest thing ive ever had to deal with and doing this on my own makes it so much harder. I'm confused more than anything. I don't want to grow to hate him now and not even have an explanation of why.



dumpedandhappy said:


> Wow, you are hurt, and suffering. This is the hardest part of life. Divorce is the one of the most difficult and stressful thing you can go through in our culture.
> Stress at this point will do many things to you and your health.
> 
> Take heart and be strong all of you, I know it seems overwhelming but give time to heal...lots of time! This isn't an easy part of your life, be careful and be smart. You will survive, key thing is to take care of yourself.


Thank you for your support and words.

I feel like it already affected my health - I spent first two days sick to my stomach, with a migraine that won't go away and my eye has been twitching every once in awhile which has never happened to me before. I realize that by being hysterical I'm only hurting myself.

That exactly what my mother said when she called me, most important thing is to not abandon yourself and take care of yourself. (With extra tough love that only a mother can get away with: you're not the first one whose husband left, you won't be the last, so it's not the end of the world. You get a day to cry and feel sorry for yourself, then get your ***t together)


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jmatj,

Listen to your mother's words of wisdom. Cnsole yourself in the fact that this wasn't your decision, it was his.

Your husband should never have done those things to you. While he tried to change, it's obvious that he can't. If he was till with you now, I am pretty certain that he'd again be using you as a punching bag and going after anything in a skirt. 

There are men out there who are worthwhile and who will love you and even in anger will not rais a hand to you. This is how it's supposed to be

Good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Let him go.

If he wants out, the worse thing you can do is cling to him. It will make him want to distanec himself even further.

Plus: he physically abuses you, mentally abuses you, and has cheated with several women. 

You want him, WHY??? 

let him go. Go back to grad school (or whateve ryour heart desires), join a social group, start exercising, get some sunlight, buy a new blouse/underwear, smile, call up old friends/relatives, find a new hobby/activity. 

Life isn't over. A new one is just starting


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

My heart breaks for you and I am truly sorry what you are going through.

What I see in your husband is a battle going on, between doing what is right and doing what is wrong. I wonder if he ever loved you in the first place. Love does not throw away a marriage nor is it selfish. Your husband is acting really selfish. I think if he has sexting, he has been doing other things as well.

I personally believe he might be having an affair or is planning on having an affair. His words to you of not being happy and that he was just pretending and that it is better if he leaves now than grow to hate me, is a cop out, selfish, and just plain mean. How do you have a marriage and come to say such words? Its pure selfishness. Your husband cares about no one but himself.

I am NOT...and I repeat, I am not here to put down your husband or to purposely degrade him. But I have no respect for a husband who treats marriage little a dirty diaper. My dear lady, you are worth so much more than your husband gives you credit for. You have great value and worth and there is much beauty both inside and outside. I don't care what you look like, you are beautiful inside and out. Tell that to yourself, because no one else is. And if I may, God sees you as beautiful too.

Man will let you down, but God will never let you down and He accepts you for who you are, what you look like, and any mistakes you have made.

You cannot change your husband! He must decide within himself to change and that is his struggle. He does the very thing he hates and knows he ought not to go down a path of alienation and destruction, but he knows he ought to be fulfilling his role as a husband...I firmly believe it is instilled in him. If you are a person who prays, than by all means pray all the more, because someone is trying to rob, kill, and destroy your marriage. If you do not pray, than like others have said herein, take care of yourself and realize you matter in life and people do care about you (at least in this forum).

I commend you for sharing your heart and reaching out. Its very important to keep doing this. I will be praying for you


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

While no situation is exactly the same, I feel a lot of the same way, with my wife sexting someone and basically telling me she's going to leave and not really anymore caring about me, and probably having the same emotional/relationship maturity as you (where I put everything into the relationship, and apparently that is not reciprocated). 

I remember at a young age I also spurned my family and friends to be with this women, so I feel your pain about building your whole world around one person. We also don't have kids, so that's similar too.

I am still very pessimistic about reconciliation, but like you I am relatively young and feel the opportunity to start over is frightening but can also be very exciting. There will be some deep dark days when you miss the comfort of the relationship and the world you created. But to borrow the phrase of another ad campaign 'it will get better'. I'm also somewhat at a loss on how to start over without too much support group locally (ie my family is a few states over, my local friends are really into their own life which is with kids, etc) but... I'll move on and so will you. 

Good luck and feel free to keep sharing.


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

If he wants out, then he is not the man for you. Go back to your family asap for their support and get back on your feet. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I will be too very shortly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

Jmatj,

It has been a while since you posted your thread. I was curious to find out what has been going on in your life since your started this thread (good or bad). How are things with you and your husband?


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