# Actual coping techniques...?



## botti (May 28, 2014)

Short version of the backstory: I'm 2 weeks after discovering my husband's copious amounts of emails, video chats, etc. with other men. I'm still in shock. I'm not ready to do anything (leave or commit to stay)

I have not cried. I have confronted - he maintains innocence. 

I am having a really hard time compartmentalizing everything and getting through the day. I get the kids off to school, but then I come to work and just stare at this screen. I refresh this forum. I reread all the emails he sent to others. I reread his emails to me. I pull up a project, stare at it, close it down. Rinse, repeat. 

I have appt with IC scheduled; I know I have to make a choice soon. In the meantime, what can I do to keep strong for the children and work? What worked for you?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I kept a journal; writing in it twice a day at first. When my mind ‘went there’, I’d tell myself “not now, just wait for the time”. So, twice a day I gave myself permission to let my mind dwell, snoop, relive and puked it out into this journal. You literally have to scream in your head to “stop!” at times. I’ve heard of folks using a rubber band to snap themselves when their heads start down that path to stop themselves.

Also started various meditation techniques so I could clear my head and refocus on what I needed to be doing. A favorite of mine since I had a pool was just to go out and backfloat in the middle of the night; peaceful. Used exercise as well to give my brain time to reflect (which also brought anger) and burned it out of me. Even gardening and manual labor helped.

At some point, I’d basically run through every possibility and scenario in my head. That’s when I could stop myself by just jumping to summary and was ‘bored’ rethinking about it like watching the same movie over and over.

To be honest though… Work and everything else suffered for a long time due to an inability to focus on anything else.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I think by holding it all in you are violating a coping basic.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

This is fresh when D day hit was useless for weeks. I could not eat, sleep and I drank to much.

If you can take time off of work and maybe do somethings for you, gym, visit friends or just be with the kids.

You have to take steps to deal with your husband as well. This will help you deal with the pain since you are taking positive steps.

Have these video, pics messages been x rated? If yes this is an A at least and EA and should be addressed as such.

Schedule a polygraph test for your husband and watch out quick the truth comes out.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

To be honest, nothing worked well. The only thing that kept it running in the background was being around other people. I had to fake it then. So, the "fake it till you make it" gets another vote.

Like Racer, my focus was really messed up. Still is.

The absolute most important thing is the truth; openness, and honesty from your husband. Wide open. Anything less, and it will never work. You may have to really tie him down, but get on him. Let him know that you are not going to be lied to, and not settling for tidbits.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I would suggest taking any vacation or leave time you have available, because right now you won't be too much good at work. 

You may also want to consider telling your immediate manager if you have a fairly decent relationship. Often the manager either has been through it themselves or have a friend or family-member who did, so as long as the manager is a somewhat decent sort, they may be able to help and understand. If you don't have a great relationship, you may need to just do your best. 

I would echo what Racer said. I kept a journal, and I hand wrote it out rather than typing. When I journaled, I allowed myself to write ANY DARN THING that entered my mind, no matter how dark or icky it was. That way it was released from in my mind and out of me. Likewise, anything I felt was released through the journaling and the physical activity of having to write. 

I also used some meditation and prayer. It helped me but may not be for everyone.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I kicked my husband out and proceeded to redecorate the bedroom.

I wrote a lot of vitriol down and emailed it to him. I refused to speak to him on the phone.

I did IC every week for a month then every 2 weeks for a couple months.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

Forest said:


> To be honest, nothing worked well. The only thing that kept it running in the background was being around other people. I had to fake it then. So, the "fake it till you make it" gets another vote.
> 
> Like Racer, my focus was really messed up. Still is.
> 
> *The absolute most important thing is the truth; openness, and honesty from your husband. Wide open. Anything less, and it will never work.* You may have to really tie him down, but get on him. Let him know that you are not going to be lied to, and not settling for tidbits.


I think the term for what he is doing is gaslighting? Making me think I am crazy and suspicious, and it's all in my head? Certainly he has not admitted to anything.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

thatbpguy said:


> I think by holding it all in you are violating a coping basic.


I'm not doing it on purpose.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Batting cages.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

what worked for me was to focus on tasks at hand, kid things, work things, etc.

And at first, leaving the enormity of what you have discovered to the side.

First thing you NEED to do is checked for STDs and not have relations with him.


He is in the closet about his behavior and likely doing things that risk your health.

So, that cannot wait!

Solving the marriage crisis? Get help from your IC on that.

Do not believe anything he tells you, rely on medical tests and what you can verify.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

botti said:


> I think the term for what he is doing is gaslighting? Making me think I am crazy and suspicious, and it's all in my head? Certainly he has not admitted to anything.


Yes, he's gaslighting. Basically trying to convince you what you've seen and read isn't real. My wife used the "but it was all just a joke" to try and explain away the messages. Step after that might be empathy; "I can see why you might think that.. but it wasn't real, I was just kidding around." And round and round it goes. 

I would also guess a closet bi-sexual is going to live in that denial toward for a long time out of complete fear of it becoming 'public'. I'd suggest serious counseling with someone who has experience in the gay/bi community. 

I feel for you. No idea how you cope knowing what you know now. One of my SA-WW's was same gender, but its not a strong attraction since they just did it to lure men's attention.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

michzz said:


> what worked for me was to focus on tasks at hand, kid things, work things, etc.
> 
> And at first, leaving the enormity of what you have discovered to the side.
> 
> ...



I get checked at my annual just because I always have. I was clean as of the last one. I'll go in for another soon.


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## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

I am just now regaining my focus 10 weeks post dday. The first 4 weeks are now a blur. I did a lot of talking and learning. I took a lot of walks. I let myself do things to take care if me like take baths in the evening. I had a hard time watching TV or even have on the radio. I wanted to be able to think and process and that was too much noise. Try to eat healthy, sleep and get some exercise. If there is anyone trustworthy you can talk to then talk. Journal and read. It goes get better but it takes time. Be patient with yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

What helped for me was thoroughly understanding WHY and EXPRESSING MY FEELINGS.

It will vary for everybody but for me, I was able to understand a lot about myself and even the other person through personal counselling. 

Secondly, be true to your emotions. If you are sad, cry, if you are angry, yell, if you are happy, smile.
I have found it more important than ever to truly embrace your feelings and just LET IT ALL OUT!!!!

Third, DO what YOU want to do. Look after YOURSELF. You are Number 1. Do what you want, when you want and let nobody define you.

Four... Learn to be OK by yourself. That was a big one for me and I'm still learning, but I'm gradually understanding the importance of this step.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Journal stuff is good mine wasn't a journal as much as random thoughts, poems, lyrics call them whatever pretty nasty things in there it is a good way to vent without screaming or hitting someone.

Music not everyone's cup of tea but I like loud angry stuff Slipknot, Pantera etc another good way to vent, luckily my job i work by myself most of the time so I don't have to worry about anyone around.

Reading find a good book to get lost in, nice comfortable chair I can read for hours

Exercise tired body tired mind no time to think of the bad stuff

Good luck all these are is a distraction the bad feelings will return until you just learn to live with it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Journal daily, even here at TAM! Try going to church and listening for God's reassurances to you. After your IC appointment, do an exploratory appointment with a recommended attorney to explore your situation and your legal rights. If you have a trusted friend or relative, and they're willing to hear you out, please confide in them.

But most importantly, do "the 180" on him. Stay active, get plenty of exercise, help others, and read positive books!

So sorry to see you here, but you've absolutely come to the right place!*


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