# Is it me or my wife?



## Frank_rizzo (Jun 2, 2016)

Hi everyone stumbled across this place and was after some opinions and advice......sorry it's long

We have been married a few years and been in a relationship for nearly 10.

We always seem to get into an argument on the same thing. 

Basically I work 40-50 hours a week over 5 days and we live in an average sized house. My wife works 2 days a week and looks after our child the other 3. I'm home on time from work and I rarely see friends.

I pay for all the bills, days out meals out, both our cars basically everything which I don't mind. But I'm beginning to see my wife as a bit lazy and ungrateful. The house will always be messy with a child but when I get home the house is always dirty bathrooms etc as she's gone out to see friends my work dinners are never made and my clothes arnt ironed. (We now pay for a cleaner every few weeks to clean the dirty stuff)

She comments about her friends boyfriends getting the flowers or paying for them to go out with friends, this upsets me as when she wants clothes or makeup she uses my cards and I very rarely ask for the money off her, I'll also give her money when's she's short on it. She has a very short memory.

It's not about money with me but she seems to bring it up a lot. She wants holidays abroad and books them without proper consulting me and I pay. She complains rooms need decorating so I have to do the work or the garden needs work so I get someone in to deck it and flag it after work or weekends, but then complains of a weekend if we are "stuck in the house"

We are meant to be a team so my roll is the provider but is she doing enough and why does she bring up that her other friends get this and that when she probably gets 4 times as much as them without realising.

Last night we are watching the TV and out the blue I get, "how much do you earn" then after my reply " I'm glad I never have to work full time again" so I was like even when the kids go to school in a few years time she said no. I said don't you have any ambition don't you want a bigger house in the future nicer cars holidays etc. she took offence to that saying I'm putting her down and stormed out and wouldn't entertain discussing. 

This happens a lot and it's getting me down


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Stop spoiling her. Take her off your credit cards. Inform her that two days a week and a dirty house aren't cutting it. Those shirts need to be ironed - either she or the cleaners can do it and she can pay for it. When she brings up what her friends get, tell her that she is coming across as a money-grubber and it is unattractive. She's turned into a right little entitled princess.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Also cancel the cleaner. If she is home five out of seven days then she can pull her weight. She sounds like she has it made doesn't she???


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*She has failed to come to the fast realization that marriage is a "team sport!" She's seemingly not looking out for the welfare of the family unit, but moreso herself!

She sounds spoiled and rather immature to me! That needs to change drastically!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

SAHM after kids go back to school is a recipe for disaster. You'll resent her and eventually she'll just see you as an ATM. And if you ever complain about money oh buy, "you can't control me" and all that logic will get blown in your face. 

You are setting up an entitled woman. You are also reducing your financial freedom as her income could be used to buy investment property or help with retirement or provide income should you get laid off.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Don't have any more kids with this women.

I see storm clouds over your house. I believe they are not moving, anytime soon.

Oh, she is immature. She does have too much time on her hands. Combine the two and [sometimes] you will find three people in your marriage, not including your child.

Sparks will continue to fly in your relationship.... then fire. Fix this marriage, quickly!


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## Frank_rizzo (Jun 2, 2016)

I don't understand why she is so ungrateful. She comes from a poor family who live in a deprived area I've taken her out from that into a nice area with some luxuries. 

I find it difficult to sit down and discuss as she'll bring something else up to digress. I come from a family who worked up from having nothing and I have that ambition and drive to better myself. Her family don't have that and it's like she's punishing me for it. Her brothers and sisters all live at home with no career prospects and if I try to give them advice on jobs or career choices my wife throws it back and says I'm putting people down (she obviously knows her family are lazy but defends them anyhow).

When I told her one day I'd like to own a Ferrari in years to come (we all have dreams lol) I was told I'm childish and I'll have money when my parents die how disgusting is that.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

I think the two of you need to work as a community and drop the mine and hers. Honestly, though, she does seem to be a bit entitled. However, I think she needs to feel that she is a responsible and contributing member of the household with the ability to have fun according to her desires so long as it does not prejudice the family and the relationship. 

When we married, we merged our accounts and all finances have been the community's. So we don't differentiate between his and hers. 

I have been the sole or principal earner over our 25 year marriage. I would estimate that my earnings have been at least 90 percent of the whole (probably closer to 95) and the retirement vehicles that have been created by my job are going to fund us in the future. 

Like your wife, mine was a SAHM, but we have 5 kids. Obviously she worked her butt off raising those kids. We never did the maid thing. The kids and I did the yard. Most of our financial decisions have been mutual. 

In short, while I get upset when my wife dips into the family coffer to spend money on things that we have not agreed to, it bothers me. And she now has a job where she feels more entitled to do that (not sure whether she would say that but seems so).


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Frank_rizzo said:


> I don't understand why she is so ungrateful. She comes from a poor family who live in a deprived area I've taken her out from that into a nice area with some luxuries.
> 
> I find it difficult to sit down and discuss as she'll bring something else up to digress. I come from a family who worked up from having nothing and I have that ambition and drive to better myself. Her family don't have that and it's like she's punishing me for it. Her brothers and sisters all live at home with no career prospects and if I try to give them advice on jobs or career choices my wife throws it back and says I'm putting people down (she obviously knows her family are lazy but defends them anyhow).
> 
> When I told her one day I'd like to own a Ferrari in years to come (we all have dreams lol) I was told I'm childish and I'll have money when my parents die how disgusting is that.


"Wife, when you complain about what we don't have, it causes me to feel like I am somehow not good enough. Then when I approach you about it and you storm off, it causes my love for you to shrink."

If she still runs away from that conversation, it is time for MC.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You sound too materialistic. Not everyone wants to spend 40 hours working for a bigger house and new cars. For her it's important to be there for your child and not be overly stressed with a full time job. You should have a budget with what she can spend and if she feels that isn't enough then she might need to get a job. Until them don't bring up the subject unless you really need her to work more hours to pay the bills you have not the bigger house and new cars you want.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She's spoiled and you're an enabler.

In short, it's both of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> "Wife, when you complain about what we don't have, it causes me to feel like I am somehow not good enough. Then when I approach you about it and you storm off, it causes my love for you to shrink."
> 
> If she still runs away from that conversation, it is time for MC.


This is the approach I would take. 
@Frank_rizzo: It sounds like she has "the grass is greener" syndrome and is comparing you to her fantasy of what other men are like. You can never compete with a fantasy and she will never be satisfied as long as she keeps thinking that way. *Plus* she's ripe for having an affair while you are busy working and she's home busy justifying in her mind why you're not as good to her as another man would be.

With that said though... The way you write is very "mine and hers" - I've only recently learned that a lot of couples keep their finances separate, but to me that does not make sense if you are married that you see it as "your" income and "her" income.

It also does not make sense that she has the temerity to buy a vacation, or any expensive item, without discussing it with you first. HELLO? WTH? It sounds like you both do a lot of independent behavior, and it's very frustrating to be married to someone like that. 

Please read: Independent Behavior

Lastly, her family sounds like they do not take responsibility for or pride in their lives and make excuses for each other. Unfortunately, that is the culture she was raised in.

I would try very hard to get her to take a team approach to everything - like you earn and she cleans the bathrooms, and you run purchase desires by each other before buying anything over $x dollars, or outside a monthly budget you set. But do it nicely, don't argue with her and if she starts arguing, table the discussion until you can both talk calmly and have each other's interests in mind.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Just reading your post makes me feel uncomfortable. Too much mine vs her stuff going on. It sounds like you don't feel appreciated for what you do and she doesn't feel appreciated for what she does. I think this is a very common problem when one person stays at home. Except she doesn't stay at home, she works 2 days a week at a outside job and 5 days a week at home cleaning and raising kids(which is not a easy job). 

I think many women suffer from jealous and the... "Look what Anns husband does for her" "look Joan just got a new kitchen why can't we?" Type of thing. To me, she sounds bored and unhappy and people look for things to attempt to feel happy.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Happilymarried25 said:


> You sound too materialistic. Not everyone wants to spend 40 hours working for a bigger house and new cars. For her it's important to be there for your child and not be overly stressed with a full time job. You should have a budget with what she can spend and if she feels that isn't enough then she might need to get a job. Until them don't bring up the subject unless you really need her to work more hours to pay the bills you have not the bigger house and new cars you want.


Did you read the same OP that everyone else did?? Telling him to bury his head in the sand and not say anything is exactly NOT what he needs to do! SHE is the materialistic one here, not to mention lazy. Seriously, what did you read?


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## TiredHubby2791 (Aug 26, 2015)

When you married, the "this is mine and that is yours" thing was over. I agree with what tortdog's post. 

As far as division of labor goes, perhaps a SAHM job description might help? Then again, it may not, so use caution there. They are out there though. If a SAHM were to be compensated for doing everything in one of those job descriptions, then she would out earn you. SAHM is not a 9-5 occupation.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Frank, you know the irony is that she doesn't sound like she feels ungrateful. If anything, I'd bet she'd say she works as hard as you..regardless if that's true or what the criteria are.

I wouldn't act out your justifiable frustration by cutting her off financially, but I would have a series of very frank (sorry!) conversations about her expectations and yours, they seem hugely different. Have they always been that way, and if not, what happened to change that?

People and relationships change as they get older, and not always for the better. What needs to happen are frequent discussions about the "State of our marriage", where you can discuss what you both see, and determine if it's on track, or if it needs a correction. Yours does. 

Talk about your expectations and see what comes up.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

Omg get out now before you have to pay lifetime alimony.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## guy74 (Dec 24, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> She's spoiled and you're an enabler.
> 
> 
> 
> In short, it's both of you.




This.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I guess she is not a step-ford wife. Well, then she needs to be self sufficient and independent. 

You don't have to carry all her weight on your shoulders. If she doesn't want to do her share of the house, then she needs to do her share by working outside the home more to pay for someone else to do her share of the house.

She is taking advantage of you and you are resenting this. Anyone would get tired of carrying that piggy on their backs.


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