# Cell phone overuse - maybe it's me



## Elane (Jul 15, 2014)

My boyfriend and I are in our early 50's. We've been together 3+ years, living together half that time. He got an iphone about 2 years ago. Right before we moved into together his cell phone usage began to increase. Some texting, mostly playing games and Facebook. 

Fast forward to now, the phone never leaves his hand. We will be in the middle of a conversation, he gets a text, he immediately reads it and responds. Maybe I'm old. I think it's rude. I'll just either wait til he's done responding, then resume the conversation (albeit a bit irritated at the interuption) or simply walk away and do something else. 

He loves to watch TV. I don't particularly like to do so, but will watch certain shows with him. He'll ask me to watch a show, I'll settle in beside him, and inevitably he will pull his phone out to check Facebook and/or play a game. I counted, he checked his Facebook account 13 times in less than one hour last night during a show he wanted me to watch with him. 

It's frankly irritating and frustrating to me. He can't understand why I care what he's doing if we are sitting there watching TV together. Before he fell in love with his phone, we would actually interact during a show. Now he's off in his own little world. This caused a big ugly argument last night. 

And no, he's not texting/messaging other women on Facebook. He thinks I'm unreasonable for wanting him to actually be present in mind and body when we are together a couple of hours in the evening. 

Surely this is not the new normal?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sadly, it is the new normal fore a lot of people.

Can't tell you how many times I've been out to dinner and an entire family is on their cell phones, not talking to each other. Or seeing women walk their baby strollers...on their cell phones. Or people at the gym too busy on their cell phone and not focusing on the workout. 

Some folks seem to be worse with it than others.

Sign of the times.


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## Elane (Jul 15, 2014)

I know I'm old and all that, and I do enjoy my phone, but I don't understand the obsession. I'd rather to talk to the person in the room with me, than see what a hundred so called friends are doing on Facebook. I just don't get it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

he is addicted to technology (facebook/phone).

it's a VERY common addiction this day and age. These companies entire goal is to get people on their site/product and use it as much as possible.

Companies are winning, you are losing.

Time to tell him how it is and ask him to live life vs play ****ing games.


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## Elane (Jul 15, 2014)

We had a very heated conversation about it last night. He says he doesn't care if I get on my phone - which is fine except I don't get on my phone! But it does bother ME that his attention is always fragmented, watching TV, checking Facebook, playing a game, checking Facebook, (and he chuckles, and grunts about the stories). Mean while I'm sitting there feeling like a chump, he's off in his own world, and then I'm the ***** for complaining about his phone.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He obviously doesn't plan to change. And, yes, it's an addiction. Just as TAM is for me. So if that's a deal breaker you need to tell him.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

So he knows it bothers you but still won't put the phone down. K, can there be a compromise about a time frame? Maybe between 7 to 9 is off limits and then he can go back to Facebook?


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## Elane (Jul 15, 2014)

OpenMinded - Are you serious TAM is an addiction for you? If your SO had a problem with your constant TAM use, you wouldn't care?

Revamp - Thank you, that's a good idea setting specific time limits. It just seems so silly & dumb to even have to ask for limits on phone use as 50 year olds. 

He's home for at least 4-5 hours before I get home, so it's not as if he doesn't have plenty of time for his phone habit. Yes, I work 4-5 hours longer every day than him.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Elane said:


> He's home for at least 4-5 hours before I get home, so it's not as if he doesn't have plenty of time for his phone habit. Yes, I work 4-5 hours longer every day than him.


Tell him to play with his phone when you are not around, he has plenty of time to do that.

Meanwhile, you need COMPANIONSHIP in your relationship, companionship that his phone has taken away from you.

Tell him he is addicted to it and it's clearly effecting your marriage. And ask him what is he going to do about it, if anything.

Maybe he simply doesn't care? Right now, with action, he IS telling you that he doesn't care.

Simply tell him that this is not the type of relationship you want going forward....


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## Elane (Jul 15, 2014)

Thanks DoF, is certainly is not the relationship I want. 

Why do I feel a twinge bad about asking for this?


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

I swear, from everything I've seen, these phones cause brain damage.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

syhoybenden said:


> I swear, from everything I've seen, these phones cause brain damage.


When "they" say "smart", I say "it must be dumb".

Truth is, these devices waste MORE of our time then ever and also disable us from using memory etc.

They should really be dumb phones. And those flip phones people call "dumb" are really smart, cause they do what they were designed to do, and that is, to CALL someone and talk.......not waste your time on complete worthless BS....distract you from what really matters......etc.

Heck, just about ANYTHING materialistic is harmful when you really think about it deep. We spend SO much time working SO hard trying to obtain them, then once we have these items, we waste MORE of our time using these "things".......while things that really matter (like family/loved ones) get ignored.....


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Think back to the pre digital age:

1. If you were watching TV with your bf and he was flipping through a magazine at the same time, would you be equally upset?

2. Both of my parents were slaves to the telephone. they felt that they not only had to answer it every time it rang, but I can think of a few times that I was dragged out of the bathroom (either showering or using the toilet) in order to take the call.

3. Especially now that you two live together, do either of of you set aside time to surf the net.... which is the digital age equivalent of a) reading your mail; b) reading the morning newspaper; c) watching the morning news........

Yes, I would be upset if my fiance took a non urgent phone call while we were having dinner or at a time when I could not busy myself with something as well.

And yes, I would get suspicious if he kept his devices to close to him all the time.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> And yes, I would get suspicious if he kept his devices to close to him all the time.


I would also ask my SO for passwords to all the accounts just to get a feel for them. Clearly SOMETHING is keeping him REALLY interested.

The key here is NOT to get the actual account info/passwords (although if someone has nothing to hide they should provide the info on the spot<<<<< not on the spot = going off to erase/hide stuff before they give you account info.....which means hiding something).

The key here is the response. If you are met with anger/rejection etc, you just found out that your boyfriend is up to no good and yes you SHOULD start thinking "cheating". Watch him CLOSELY when you ask the question.

Do not rule out cheating OP.....clearly he is not very interested in spending time with you, but he CAN be spending his time with someone else "virtually".


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## Elane (Jul 15, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> Think back to the pre digital age:
> 
> 1. If you were watching TV with your bf and he was flipping through a magazine at the same time, would you be equally upset? I actually had to think on this a minute. No, I don't think a magazine is the same thing. He picks up his phone to look at Facebook, to read stupid comments by people he doesn't even necessarily like. It's as if he's afraid of missing some gossip. His behavior reminds me of a teenager. It's a constant click phone on, scroll, scroll, read, scroll, click off. Wait a minute. Click on, repeat.
> 
> ...


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## Elane (Jul 15, 2014)

DoF I know all his passwords. Mainly because he can't remember them.  He is actually the most honest person I've ever known. He can barely tell a white lie. Never seen anything like it. I know to NEVER ask a question I don't want to hear the true answer from him.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Elane said:


> DoF I know all his passwords. Mainly because he can't remember them.  He is actually the most honest person I've ever known. He can barely tell a white lie. Never seen anything like it. I know to NEVER ask a question I don't want to hear the true answer from him.


Seems too good to be true.

Trust, but verify. If you have the account password, get in there and see what he is doing/take a peek.

There is no such a thing as 100% trust/perfection. I simply don't believe in it.

NOTHING in this world is perfect. Nothing ever was, and nothing ever will be. And there is no way in hell I will believe that your husband is either.


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## Elane (Jul 15, 2014)

He's definitely not perfect. And I have been on his phone. I have access to the text and call logs from the phone bill. Nothing on there. I have been on his facebook acct. Nothing there either. He doesn't hide what he's doing on his phone, he's just always on the darn thing.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

This phone stuff is just stupid. Luckily my wife and I have equal disdain for it. 

In this situation, I'd say tell him if to pick something he wants to involve himself in. If its the phone, go sit with your phone. If its you and TV, the phone goes away. Completely away. His choice.

Is he afraid he'll miss a text that his house is on fire?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I have the same problem. Whenever I bring it up, DH points the finger at me and says I'm on TAM all the time so I can't give him crap about being on his phone all the time. Facts do not enter into it when dealing with this. Yes, I get on my laptop and look at TAM, email, facebook etc, but I literally walk into a room, sit down, open up the laptop and do that. I'm not doing it while standing there having a conversation in the kitchen, loungeroom, etc. I'm not doing it while watching TV. I'm not doing it while eating a meal.

I will be talking to him about something and the phone won't even need to beep and he'll pull it out and look at it. I've threatened to throw the thing out the window.

No help here I'm afraid but I know how you feel. He's having an affair *with* his phone, not using it to have an affair, lol.

Edited to add: Not everyone will understand what's keeping him interested, maybe because they've never experienced it, so they'll assume there must be a woman on the other end keeping him glued to it. I understand that you know what he's doing on it, and it's not always about a *love* interest, sometimes it's just about *another* interest that's taking over. In this case, it's an interest in seeing every update on every page he is following, which could be hundreds.


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## Elane (Jul 15, 2014)

Yes that's it exactly Breeze.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Elane said:


> Thanks DoF, is certainly is not the relationship I want.
> 
> Why do I feel a twinge bad about asking for this?


Do not feel bad ONE BIT Elane. It is rude and obnoxious behavior on his part and you should not tolerate it ! It never ceases to amaze me how the a smart phone is like crack cocaine to so many people around our ages (I'm 47).

He is a grown a$$ man who should have learned better manners at this point.

Here is what i would do. The next time he asks you to watch a show with him, tell him you would be glad to as long as he TURNS THE PHONE OFF ! Otherwise, you are not interested.

Or you could tell him that if his bad phone habits don't change, you'll be gone and he can have fun having sex with his phone ! lol


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

My wife is the same way regarding her phone. I've checked a few times and havent seen anything incriminating. She's just reading articles and scrolling through facebook. Non stop. 24/7. 

We recently went on vacation (wife myself and 3 yr old daughter). We probably spent about 6-7 hours per day by the pool and or the beach. Wife was spending LITERALLY 5 hours on her phone. She woudl periodically get in the water and play with our daughter for 15 minutes, but then right back to the phone. She literally missed the vacation. Or maybe that is her idea of a vacation.

People claim everything is an addiction (sex, chewing tobacco, working out etc).. I think facebook and or phone usage may fall into this same mold. It's not REALLY an addiction but there's something addictive about some people's phone/internet usage.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Best thing I have done was to get rid of the smartphone and got a old flip phone, deactivate Facebook and only use the computer at home. Freed up a lot of time.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Elane said:


> But it does bother ME that his attention is always fragmented, watching TV, checking Facebook, playing a game, checking Face...... Mean while I'm sitting there feeling like a chump, he's off in his own world,


This to me is the crux of the problem. You feel like you are less important to him than the other things because he won't devote an evening to just you. Truth is that even if you are watching TV together and no one is distracted you still are not having quality time together.

But that is my own personal rant - you need to figure out how to explain to him how you are feeling...

And the really important thing to claim is that how you feel is important. Don't let him shame you into feeling that your feelings are not important.

Unfortunately these kind of distractions are becoming the new and certainly pathetic "normal." It is really sad what technology can do to our relationships if we don't control it.


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## Elane (Jul 15, 2014)

sparkyjim said:


> This to me is the crux of the problem. You feel like you are less important to him than the other things because he won't devote an evening to just you. Truth is that even if you are watching TV together and no one is distracted you still are not having quality time together.
> 
> But that is my own personal rant - you need to figure out how to explain to him how you are feeling... I've told him it makes me feel like I'm in line, waiting for him to look up from the phone, or take his eyes off the TV, just so I can make a comment.
> 
> ...


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## Elane (Jul 15, 2014)

BostonBruins32 said:


> My wife is the same way regarding her phone. I've checked a few times and havent seen anything incriminating. She's just reading articles and scrolling through facebook. Non stop. 24/7.
> 
> We recently went on vacation (wife myself and 3 yr old daughter). We probably spent about 6-7 hours per day by the pool and or the beach. Wife was spending LITERALLY 5 hours on her phone. She woudl periodically get in the water and play with our daughter for 15 minutes, but then right back to the phone. She literally missed the vacation. Or maybe that is her idea of a vacation.
> 
> People claim everything is an addiction (sex, chewing tobacco, working out etc).. I think facebook and or phone usage may fall into this same mold. It's not REALLY an addiction but there's something addictive about some people's phone/internet usage.



Are you ok with this? She's totally checked out of your day to day life! This is exactly what I'm talking about. I want a companion, not a phone addict.


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## Elane (Jul 15, 2014)

Perfect example of his phone addiction.

This just happened. 

He is in the middle of a 2 hour drive for work, and he is sending me a funny picture that he found on Facebook. We have been in serious conversations about his phone habits the past few days. Not only is his constantly on it at home, but while he drives too. How do I get through to him??


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

Elane said:


> Are you ok with this? She's totally checked out of your day to day life! This is exactly what I'm talking about. I want a companion, not a phone addict.


not even remotely ok with it. 
and ive expressed it to her very clearly.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

barbados said:


> Do not feel bad ONE BIT Elane. It is rude and obnoxious behavior on his part and you should not tolerate it ! It never ceases to amaze me how the a smart phone is like crack cocaine to so many people around our ages (I'm 47).


Back in late 90s/2000s when I was in IT we used to call Blackberries "Crackberries".

When the "smartphones" came out, I said to myself, great, they took crackberry to the extreme.

I was right.

Back then people knew these things were CHAINS to their work (I simply refused to have it). NOW? it's a chain to your work, people you hardly know amongst million other things.

I have a smartphone but that's only because my work pays for it. I still haven't set up my work email on it. Within 2 weeks of getting it, the hype wore off quick.

It's simply a great travel companion (when you have nothing to do) and the best toilet material. Outside of that, it's a waste of time and complete BS.

I would NOT pay for it. My wife has a "dumb" phone and does not even want to know anything about these smartphones. She hates using it too.

Smartphones, facebook, twitter are ALL timewasters and have opened up the door to completely new addictions.

It's sad, but true. Now we have smartphone zombies walking around EVERYWHERE!!!


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Couldn't agree more DOF. Neither my wife or myself have smart phones. And here is the real kicker, neither of my daughters (16 & 13) have them either (GASP! The Horror !) LOL.

We are a modern family of dumb phone users !!!

Yet somehow we manage to live !


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

BostonBruins32 said:


> We recently went on vacation (wife myself and 3 yr old daughter). We probably spent about 6-7 hours per day by the pool and or the beach. Wife was spending LITERALLY 5 hours on her phone. She woudl periodically get in the water and play with our daughter for 15 minutes, but then right back to the phone. She literally missed the vacation. Or maybe that is her idea of a vacation.


BB, 

You should have grabbed her phone and thrown it in the pool !


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

barbados said:


> Couldn't agree more DOF. Neither my wife or myself have smart phones. And here is the real kicker, neither of my daughters (16 & 13) have them either (GASP! The Horror !) LOL.
> 
> We are a modern family of dumb phone users !!!
> 
> Yet somehow we manage to live !


No smartphone OR even dumb phones for my kids. They can get a phone when they can afford it.

Mind you, we are probably the only family in town that does this. All the kids have Iphones/Smartphones.......some as young as 7-8.


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

BostonBruins32 said:


> My wife is the same way regarding her phone. I've checked a few times and havent seen anything incriminating. She's just reading articles and scrolling through facebook. Non stop. 24/7.
> 
> We recently went on vacation (wife myself and 3 yr old daughter). We probably spent about 6-7 hours per day by the pool and or the beach. Wife was spending LITERALLY 5 hours on her phone. She woudl periodically get in the water and play with our daughter for 15 minutes, but then right back to the phone. She literally missed the vacation. Or maybe that is her idea of a vacation.
> 
> People claim everything is an addiction (sex, chewing tobacco, working out etc).. I think facebook and or phone usage may fall into this same mold. It's not REALLY an addiction but there's something addictive about some people's phone/internet usage.


Next vacation = Camping in the mountains where there is no cell service!:smthumbup:


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

Elane said:


> Thanks DoF, is certainly is not the relationship I want.
> 
> Why do I feel a twinge bad about asking for this?


Don't feel bad Elaine. This is a very common thing nowadays. I have the same problem too with bf. Although its not constant and we do have our conversation time. But the amount of checking fb on iphone does annoy me. Although he often shares with me what he is looking at if its a funny post so that redeems him.

What about no phones at the dinner table? So you can talk over dinner every night?


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

I'm going to play devils advocate here. I'm a phone junky, I've had the same arguments with my wife. 

You do have every right to ask for your needs to be met. 

But my wife would say things like "your always on that damn phone". "How come you can't just watch what's on tv?" "What could possibly be so interesting?" 

Yet in those conversations she never once stated what she needed. Just a general disdain for what I was doing. So mostly i ignore it. 

We have some very specific rules, no phones during dinner, particularly. She'll ask me to "actively" watch a movie with the kids. So no iPad or iPhone. 

Me, I'm ADD. if I'm not doing something I get restless. Before the phone I was a voracious reader. 

So tell him exactly what you want. "I want to sit and watch this and talk while we watch TV". Realize that men physically can not multitask like women. Our brain is built different so talking is talking. Watching tv is watching tv. But we aren't actually doing both.


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## Peachie (Jul 10, 2014)

He's addicted to his phone. Are you sure there is nothing going on on FB? 13 times in one hour is way over the top. Something fishy going on? Is it possible to get a printout of the actually number of times and how many minutes is spent on FB? I'm not just talking about for the OP, I think that information would interest a lot of people. And exact accounting of how much time is wasted on FB.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Sounds like my wife. She gets agitated if I do not watch tv. I never had a tv until we married, and she is constantly on her phone texting, talking, FB, Instagram, Pinterest etc. Oh and I am expected to have my phone with me at all times. Whole thing drives mr crazy.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Idk.

I have like 38 friends on Facebook. 30 of them are immediate family. I usually know what they're up to all the time because we call each other.

My husband has 212 friends on Facebook. Family, friends, co-workers, gamers, high school buddies. His feeds are relentless. Pics and videos and threads of all sorts of things. He finds it entertaining. He can multitask with the best of them.

When it DOES come down to serious discussions with me, he is respectful and puts it down. He may not touch it the rest of the evening.

So I guess what you're saying is, he's not giving you the "respectful" time that you need from him. That's not really open for compromise. That's where he needs to put the phone down and keep it down.


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## SevenYears (Jun 23, 2014)

A few of my friends are like this. I find it really annoying when they just sit there texting away, playing on apps or looking on the internet. I just think 'I didn't come out to watch you on your phone'. 

One of them will even continue playing with his phone when we're in the cinema. That's even more annoying.

But maybe I'm out of touch with the way people are. I'm not much into gadgets and I use my phone to call and text people. I would find it rude to do it constantly when out with people. Don't use apps at all. Not on facebook. Never saw the point of it.


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## Jewels6835 (Jul 19, 2014)

Hi I'm new to the site but this is very applicable to me, so it stuck out when I was looking at the page..
I'm 25, married for 5 years. My husband is ALWAYS on his phone and I hate it. He's a techy sort of guy, so he's always been a little into his phone even when we were dating but I'd definitely say it's gotten worse over time. Night before last we got into an argument and I told him how he's not very helpful and he doesn't appreciate what I do as a SAHM with young kids. (2 boys ages 5 and under)
I told him I'm not even necessarily looking for help with anything but I'd just appreciate if you were more PRESENT when you're home with me and the kids. He claimed he doesn't know how to interact with them as well as I do... I told him it's because you don't try! They're very easy to entertain actually if you just sit with them. He said he tried but they get easily bored or my kids fight and he gets angry. It results in him putting on a movie/show for them while he sits on his phone. He makes fun of me and says I'm old fashioned. I just want to converse with my husband through dinner after he's been gone All day? And I'm crazy or a loser for that??
I swear technology can be such a curse.. I feel your pain, OP and I sincerely wish you the best. You sound like a wonderful companion & if he can't reciprocate it's time to rethink the relationship. And do not feel bad for asking him to put you first! That's the bare minimum for a marriage is genuine respect and if he interrupts you to take an unimportant call or check Facebook, that is not respect! Let alone you asking him to stop and expressing ur concern and he doesn't care? 
Ugh!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I was watching TV with my fiance tonight. I was folding and ironing clothes..... pre digital stuff. I did suggest that we get a second computer in the room (we use a laptop to watch TV) so that we can look up the references made on the shows that we watch.


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## Elane (Jul 15, 2014)

After several discussions, and one very heated argument, we seem to have come to an agreement. I'm not sure he was aware of just how much he was on his phone. 

He has not picked up his phone in the past 5 days if I'm with him except to 1) look up a store location we were discussing, 2) look at the massive storm headed our way, and 3) to answer a couple of texts from his teenager, and 4) To find a funny video on Facebook that he had seen earlier.

To me, this is normal cell phone usage when you are supposedly spending time with your loved one. We actually talked like we used to do. Believe it or not, he talks more than I do when he's not distracted. I'm very happy that he has made a very deliberate attempt at curbing his phone obsession. It was negatively impacting our relationship. I haven't asked but I think he's actually enjoying the phone freedom. He looks happier, maybe because I'm happier?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Great news Elane ! 

Glad to hear things are working out for you guys !


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Elane said:


> After several discussions, and one very heated argument, we seem to have come to an agreement. I'm not sure he was aware of just how much he was on his phone.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Good. Men are pretty simple. State specific needs without implied emotion and we're generally good at providing.


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