# Can't believe I'm posting this



## orchidcouture (Oct 21, 2014)

I can't believe I'm even asking about this...

My husband and I have been having issues for a while. We're great together, have fun, etc. but we have issues with sex. We rarely have any and it's making me extremely unhappy to the point where I'm just lately coming out of a depression from it. We used to have sex like crazy when we first met (as normal), then we had it about every other day and then around 3 years ago it stopped to once a week. He has not given me any foreplay or oral sex in over 4 years... However, this is something we are now working on, because we decided that we don't want to end what we have.

Last night after he got home from work, he was laying on the couch and the dog was beside him. My husband's arm was around the dog, his hand by her head. They were looking extra cute together so I leaned in to give the dog a kiss on her head, right by where his hand was. I can't believe I'm saying this and I'm almost gagging just thinking about it but, I smelled another woman on his hand.... gross I know. I was shocked and thought maybe I was being crazy, so I leaned in to give the dog another kiss, and sure enough, it smelled like another woman. And I'm not talking perfume smell... 

I didn't say or do anything... I walked away trying to think of what else it could be. I was sick all night thinking about this and now I don't know what to do. Could I be crazy?! Could it have been something else?!

I have always thought he would never cheat on me but now I just feel like my world has been turned upside down. And all of the signs don't look good... He had an affair when he was married to his first wife, and when we first started dating he was having some kind of sexting relationship with another woman, which I caught him doing and put a stop to it. He also used to watch a lot of porn (don't know if he still does). He is on his phone all the time, seriously constantly, but he also has a demanding job. I have trusted him completely until this point and now I just feel like everything is unraveling.

Now what?! Do I say something?! How the hell do I bring this up?


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Of course you bring it up! The question is how.

As an important and revealing side, what could you have actually smelled, what does "Another woman" smell like? Like a vaginal smell?

Anyways, the issue is the deteriorated relationship, you guys sound like good "Friends", but not actual partners. I'd start the conversation (and you might need to have many) on that note. In the course of the conversation, much hopefully will come out about his perceptions and motivations to change, and given his history, it's reasonable to ask him in the context if he's happy with you and if he's found someone else.

But if you just jump on 'WHAT'S THAT SMELL!" you'll likely shut down the conversation and not get a truthful reply anyways.

You need to start what probably will be a difficult dialogue and begin a long overdue process.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I wouldn't say anything., You really have nothing to go on aside from a "smell" so I doubt that will get you anywhere. This would also allow him to start tying up any loose ends since I doubt he is just going to come out and confess that he has his hand up someone else's V.

Start the investigation process. Once you have enough evidence, if there is any, then you confront him. Can you access his emails, his phone/phone records, etc...?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

orchidcouture said:


> I can't believe I'm even asking about this...
> 
> My husband and I have been having issues for a while. We're great together, have fun, etc. but we have issues with sex. We rarely have any and it's making me extremely unhappy to the point where I'm just lately coming out of a depression from it. We used to have sex like crazy when we first met (as normal), then we had it about every other day and then around 3 years ago it stopped to once a week. He has not given me any foreplay or oral sex in over 4 years... However, this is something we are now working on, because we decided that we don't want to end what we have.
> 
> ...


You don't bring it up yet. You don't have any evidence. Just a suspicion. A well founded one, but still just a suspicion. He will lie and make you feel like the crazy one if you confront now. And he will be on alert that you are suspicious. 

Keep your routine. But start to be more observant. If you have access, search his phone and computer. Look at phone bills for numbers he calls or texts frequently. 

You move into mouth shut and eyes open mode. If he doesn't suspect you are monitoring, you will find evidence. How and when to confront depends on what you find, and what your plan will be to attempt to reconcile or divorce. 

Start planning for either possibility. If you reconcile, what would be your conditions. If you divorce, how do you want things separated. 

Sorry you are going through this. Your actions over the next week are going to be very important. Try to keep a clear head. Eat, drink water and try to get some sleep. Sometimes those things go right out the window when dealing with this type of stress. But they are important self care things that will help you keep a good head on your shoulders.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Guys, the problem with not saying anything is that although tact and diplomacy are always best, the underlying emotion seems so strong here..and is based on not only the deteriorated nature of their relationship, but also his previous hx of infidelity...that it's unlikely she can manage this emotion and not have it come out..either explosively, or hold onto it corrosively.


So, it's not about "If" she talks about it, but "how". And the "How" is using her suspicions as the incentive to have a long overdue conversation about their relationship and decision to work on it.

Or, in the oft used philosophical response, she makes lemonade from the lemons she's got.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Unicus said:


> So, it's not about "If" she talks about it, but "how". And the "How" is using her suspicions as the incentive to have a long overdue conversation about their relationship and decision to work on it.


What long overdue conversation? She posted that they are currently working on things already:



> However, this is something we are now working on, because we decided that we don't want to end what we have.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Not enough to confront on, yet. Lay low. 

I’m part of an activities group at work. We plan events for our workforce, currently planning a canoe trip for August. But in May we did a taco bar and June we did a cook out. I cooked for both of these events and of course we tried to be as sanitary as possible. The head of the committee bought these plastic gloves for us to wear while we were cooking. Both times after cooking, I noticed my hands smelled funky, no matter how many times I washed them. It was a familiar smell, but I couldn’t place it. The second time I cooked, my hands smelled weird again and I kept smelling them after I washed them to try to figure out the smell. It finally hit me what they smelled like. You got it. Va-jay-jay! What an odd smell for a pair of powdered latex gloves to leave on your skin for hours afterwards. Anyway, I’m not suggesting your husband was making tacos or hot dogs for 175 people like I was, but it COULD be something else. 

So, my suggestion is, lay low for now. DO NOT bring this up. If it’s nothing, he’ll tell you it’s nothing. If it’s something, he’ll tell you it’s nothing. Right now you need to try to gather evidence. Look at his phone, email, social media, whereabouts, etc. Once you have firm evidence or a good handful of red flags, THEN confront.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Look at the http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


> What long overdue conversation? She posted that they are currently working on things already:


Ellis, I got that. They're "Working on" their sexual issues. I'm suggesting they broaden it to include their actual relationship.

Sexual issues are usually but the tip of the iceberg...

In any event, the answer to the OP's question on how to bring it up is to do so in context of the larger relationship they have, rather than make it an accusation...or attempt to hold onto it.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Lay low and gather some evidence before you make any accusations. 

I admire your restraint...I know my wife would have went full on Encyclopedia brown all over that.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

You wait. You start listening and seeing everything around you.
As someone pointed out it might be nothing.
Start looking for lies. Cheaters always lie and you will catch him in one.
Try to act as normal as possible even though inside I know you feel sick and just want to confront him.
Wait until you have real evidence. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Don't bring it up. It's really nothing to go on, and you'll tip your hand and look crazy/paranoid to boot. Different women have different smells; might not even be what you're thinking. Maybe the dog got something on his face. 

Any time you're having marital issues, though, you need to rule out an affair. The only way to do that is to quietly keep an eye on what your spouse is really up to on their phone, if they are where they say they are, etc.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

My girl's vah jay jay doesn't smell... don't think anyone would know my fingers were in there. I think you're overthinking this.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Are you sure that it wasn't the dog that smelled?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Blacksmith01 said:


> Are you sure that it wasn't the dog that smelled?


Dead giveaway would have been if the dog was smoking a cigarette :grin2:


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

His hands smelled like vaginal fluid
He has a history of adultery in a previous marriage and he cheated on you via sexting earlier in your relationship
The quantity and quality of sex has diminished
He's on his phone constantly


Yeah, you've got some very common cheater flags flying. I agree with the others. Don't say anything unless/until you have more solid evidence.

If he is cheating, confronting him will just make him more cautious and less likely to be caught. If he isn't cheating, confronting him will cause unnecessary drama.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

GuyInColorado said:


> My girl's vah jay jay doesn't smell... don't think anyone would know my fingers were in there. I think you're overthinking this.


Mine doesn’t have a bad smell at all, just a distinct smell to where I know what the smell is. 

Some women though……man….I can walk into a bathroom stall after they’ve been in there and you can STILL smell their odoriferous eminations. 

It’s kind of an individual thing I suppose.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


> Dead giveaway would have been if the dog was smoking a cigarette :grin2:


:laugh:


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

CharlieParker said:


> Look at the http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


^^^this^^^

Red flags indeed. Get your hands on that phone and the phone records!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Get tested for STDs. Sorry but that's what you need to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Unicus said:


> Ellis, I got that. They're "Working on" their sexual issues. I'm suggesting they broaden it to include their actual relationship.
> 
> Sexual issues are usually but the tip of the iceberg...
> 
> In any event, the answer to the OP's question on how to bring it up is to do so in context of the larger relationship they have, rather than make it an accusation...or attempt to hold onto it.


Does not matter what is at the tip if infidelity is at the base. 

We give the OP the advice and information we think they need to know, not always necessarily what they ask for. If the OP is unhappy with the direction of the thread, they will state so and we will auto-correct. 

There are WSs and BSs posting here and all are in agreement on the next step, especially since H is already a multiple WS. 

BTW, unless they do it in a truck, how hard is it to wash your hands afterwards? I do not know if this is universally true, but my W's sense of smell and taste are by far much more sensitive than mine. IMO most women have a keener sense of smell than men. Maybe that is for a reason.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Does not matter what is at the tip if infidelity is at the base.
> 
> We give the OP the advice and information we think they need to know, not always necessarily what they ask for. If the OP is unhappy with the direction of the thread, they will state so and we will auto-correct.
> 
> ...


I read somewhere that women have a slightly keener sense of smell because it is us who carry and feed the offspring. Allegedly, our keener sense of smell exists to prevent us from eating poison or rotten food and from feeding such food to our young.

I know I've smelled myself on DH's hands after he's wiped them. A few times I smelled a hint of myself after he's washed them. He's grown a nice beard and if he gives me oral AND washes up in the sink, I can still smell a hint of me until he takes a full shower. 

Maybe he did wash his hands, just not good enough!

Also, DH has mentioned he likes to leave a trace of my scent on his skin or beard to "keep me on his mind" or because scent is a powerful memory trigger. Might be the OP's H deliberately left some of the scent behind and didn't think his wife would catch it.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I’ve also read that smokers have a lessened sense of smell. If OP’s H is a smoker, he may not have been able to tell if the scent was still lingering.

Although, unless I outright smelled my husbands hands, I don’t know if I’d be able to detect that smell that easily….unless the woman had a strong odor. Dogs generally have their own distinct dog odor, if she was able to smell it OVER the smell of the dog…..good god, that woman has one strong smell!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> I’ve also read that smokers have a lessened sense of smell. If OP’s H is a smoker, he may not have been able to tell if the scent was still lingering.
> 
> Although, unless I outright smelled my husbands hands, I don’t know if I’d be able to detect that smell that easily….unless the woman had a strong odor. Dogs generally have their own distinct dog odor, if she was able to smell it OVER the smell of the dog…..good god, that woman has one strong smell!


I was a smoker and quit for a while. The difference in sense of smell was ridiculous! Yes, if he is a smoker, he probably couldn't smell it.

Having 3 dogs, currently, I can definitely say that the scent of a dog is so vastly different I couldn't imagine mistaking the two.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do your investigating and if he's messing around, then tell him that he needs to see a doctor because the odor emanating from his body is not right - you can even smell it on his hands. It smells like something is rotting down there. And, of course, the dog smells better than him. 

So sorry you're going through this.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

If she can smell it over the dog odor then:

Yeah, like dead tuna!


Ewwwwww!!!!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Bibi1031 said:


> If she can smell it over the dog odor then:
> 
> Yeah, like dead tuna!
> 
> ...


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I guess it depends on your relationship with your husband. I had a suspicion once, and literally did the same thing as you...couldn't sleep all night. The next morning I sat right in front of him, and looked in his eyes to watch his reaction. I said "Last night I thought I saw you doing xyz... It is eating me alive. I need to know if that is what is going on or not."

Then I watched him. Then I also stayed very alert to other signs after that.

I am just a person that needs to confront things that are bothering me and try to resolve things. We fortunately are both pretty good communicators. 

So if I thought I smelled that on his hands, I would have to ask him...if you don't think you can believe his reply, then you have to decide what you want to do. The element of being direct and asking a straight question is an effective one. Again, I can only speak from my relationship, so only you knows how this will most likely go with him.

I'm sorry for what you are going through sweetheart. I hope you can get it resolved and find peace in whatever you need to do.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

GuyInColorado said:


> My girl's vah jay jay doesn't smell... don't think anyone would know my fingers were in there. I think you're overthinking this.


I really can't say I agree with this. This might sound gross. But they all smell and taste pretty similar to me. The only variable is how recently she has showered. Its faint sometimes and other times not so much.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

If you smell pooty on his hand, there is likely pooty on his hand. There is a reason why there is a song "Let me smell yo D".

He sounds like someone who has a history of cheating and is showing signs of it now. And the scent of a woman. Collect data, or just kick him out now.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

GuyInColorado said:


> My girl's vah jay jay *doesn't smell.*.. don't think anyone would know my fingers were in there. I think you're overthinking this.


Put you fingers there, don't wash them, then ask another woman to smell them.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There was a poster on TAM who, some time ago, reported that she knew her husband had been cheating on her because his moustache smelt of that same certain female scent.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

OP,

I think the bigger question here is why you married a known cheater and a guy who was sexting other women (cheating on you) when you were dating.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Start investigating. Ask to borrow his phone because yours is run down. If he will even let you have it, start gong through it. You know he will deny, deny until (and sometimes wven with) the evidence is right in front of him.

I'm sorry he is still a cheater, but now you know.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Herschel said:


> If you smell pooty on his hand, there is likely pooty on his hand. There is a reason why there is a song* "Let me smell yo D".*
> 
> He sounds like someone who has a history of cheating and is showing signs of it now. And the scent of a woman. Collect data, or just kick him out now.


Not on *my* Victrola, I think you will find! :surprise:










:rofl:


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I agree with the others in here. Investigate quietly, and consider putting a VAR (voice-activated recorder) in his car.

Do NOT confront him. If he's having an affair, he will admit nothing, and the conversation will only serve as a warning for him to take it underground. At that point, you may never know the truth.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that you do not say anything or confront him at this time. If you are mistaking he will deny an affair. If you are correct he will deny an affair. Either way you find out nothing.

You have to get more concrete evidence before confronting and you need a plan before confronting.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I don't know, there doesn't seem to be enough evidence of anything.

I'm leaning towards you smelled dog, sorry.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Does not matter what is at the tip if infidelity is at the base. We give the OP the advice and information we think they need to know, not always necessarily what they ask for.


And exactly how do you know he's been unfaithful here?

You might give the OP the advice and information you think they need to know, b/c it's about you. What's more relevant is accuracy. For that to happen, you have to separate yourself from the OP.

They need to have a talk about the larger issue of their relationship, and in context of that, bring up her concerns about another woman.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

There are literally a ton of things that can leave a residual scent faintly reminiscent of a vagina. I recommend getting more evidence before confronting based on that alone.


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