# emotional affair. Please help



## jakeskate (Feb 2, 2016)

My name is Jacob and i have been married for 5 years. i have 2 children, 3 and 6 with my wife and a home we purchased last year. My wife's Father just passed away last week from liver failure. during his stay in the hospital she was in west virginia for a month to help take care of him and be there for him. I traveled with kids there and back 3 times and went without kids on a flight and drove home with her after the service. it is an 8.5 hour drive. While i was there and also while i was at home working and taking care of the children i noticed her become distant. i figured it was because of her fathers health and i'm sure thats partially the reason. but i noticed some behaviors as well from an old guy friend of hers who helped her with a few things while i was home with kids and she was snowed in a hotel with no food or place to go. today i asked her about it and she was honest in telling me that her and this guy have a emotional relationship. she said they had not had sexual relations but apparently been talking about being together. I do not know what to do now that she is home and i want more than anything to save my marriage. i'm super heartbroken and sick to my stomach. she says she does not know what she wants to do and is confused. can someone please help me with some advice to save my marriage. i have a feeling she has already moved on emotionally. I love her more than life itself and i am devastated that this is happening.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

What you can't do is sit there while she makes up her mind. 

Stop talking to her. Get a lawyer. Throw her out of the house or at least the bedroom. Tell your closest friends or family so you can get support. 

What she wants is for you to sit there and be her safe place to come home to if it doesn't work out with the new guy. So she gets to take him for a spin while you pine for her. 

Disrupting that is perhaps the most compassionate thing you can do. For the both of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My suggestion is that you get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. The book is a quick read. Do what the book suggests.

You need to ask her to end the relationship with this guy. She is married and it is inappropriate.

Whatever you do, if she asks you to leave your home, do not leave. She can leave without the children if she wants to continue the affair.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Emotional affairs take a LONG time to heal from. The worst thing you can do is beg her to change or feel you need to give yourself up. You have to let her come back to you, as you indicated this was your desire. If she has truly moved on, then allow her to make that transition, without being needy or coercive. It is only then you may heal from this and move on. If you give yourself up in this process just to get her back, the relationship will restart on faulty ground.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

jakeskate said:


> i asked her about it and she was honest in telling me that her and this guy have a emotional relationship. she said they had not had sexual relations but apparently been talking about being together.


sounds like trickle truth....

ask her if they have held hands, kissed, snuggled....she'll probably start admitting things bit by bit


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Chick like confident guys so do not beg for this marrauge no matter how bad you want to.

The best way to end an affai is by making it as inconvenient and as comfortable as possible. Do expose it to her family and let everyone that you will not share your wife.

What ever she is using to stay incontact with this man turn it off. You will not share your wife and pay for it at the same time.

Ask her to leave if she wants to continue contacting this guy because share your wife is not an option.

The sooner you get her to think twice in what she is about to lose the better.

She has to start second guessing her choices by showing her you can move on with out her.

It's time to raise your attraction level by having the confidence to let her go.

So no more begging, no more crying, but wish her the best and ask her if she needs a hand packing her thing ....and do this with a smile on you face.

Know you will not tolerate this crap will show her you can find a women that wants you and isn't so confussed.

She must see a man that has the self respect in that you will be respected.....she may not like it but she will respect....why...cuz if the shoe were on the other foot you my friend would be out tge door.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jakeskate said:


> My name is Jacob and i have been married for 5 years. i have 2 children, 3 and 6 with my wife and a home we purchased last year. My wife's Father just passed away last week from liver failure. during his stay in the hospital she was in west virginia for a month to help take care of him and be there for him. I traveled with kids there and back 3 times and went without kids on a flight and drove home with her after the service. it is an 8.5 hour drive. While i was there and also while i was at home working and taking care of the children i noticed her become distant. i figured it was because of her fathers health and i'm sure thats partially the reason. but i noticed some behaviors as well from an old guy friend of hers who helped her with a few things while i was home with kids and she was snowed in a hotel with no food or place to go. today i asked her about it and she was honest in telling me that her and this guy have a emotional relationship. *she said they had not had sexual relations* but apparently been talking about being together. I do not know what to do now that she is home and i want more than anything to save my marriage. i'm super heartbroken and sick to my stomach. she says she does not know what she wants to do and is confused. can someone please help me with some advice to save my marriage. i have a feeling she has already moved on emotionally. I love her more than life itself and i am devastated that this is happening.


She's lying.


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## AACoupledUp (Feb 3, 2016)

An emotional affair for a woman is like a physical affair for a man.
Basically she had an affair. Treat this the same as if she had sex with the guy. (which she might have)

She's Confused? She wants him but she has kids with you, thats what that means.
One thing we can't do is control people's thoughts. So even if you want to work it out, she may still long for him.

It's always sad to hear this when kids are involved. Sorry to hear this buddy, best of luck.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I think that it's time to pay your lawyer a visit in order to discuss, in depth, your legal rights! 

As far as evidence is concerned, get a copy of her cell phone and texting activity and determine just how long and how much this "betrayal" has been going on! The sad fact of the matter is that what she is likely doing is trickle-truthing you, making you think that it's all emotional; when the sad fact of the matter is that she's likely already crossed the bedroom or hotel room threshold with this former BF of hers!

Concurring with others, do not leave your home nor concede custody of the kids over to her! Let her leave!

And to that, I can only say "Good riddance!" *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

She is not leaving her husband for someone that she has had no physical contact with.

You have no idea what's going on and it's critical to see a lawyer to simply understand your rights.

Does she protect her mobile device?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

jakeskate said:


> she says she does not know what she wants to do and is confused.


OP, I (personally) understand how an EA can occur, so my comments are from my perspective. Your wife felt she was not getting her needs met (and that does not mean you are at fault) and so she sought/found fulfillment outside the marriage. Her head knows this is wrong, but her heart and lower body do not care. The attraction she is feeling is extremely addictive. She is not just emotionally attached to this guy, but attached to her fantasy version of him. (This is the real problem.) She sees him as possessing everything that she needs. That is not reality but at this point she does not care. She is comparing this guy (fantasy version) to you and you are losing. But no real life spouse can compare favorably to someone's fantasy.

She is confused because she has not figured out have to have both men. You must not be Plan B. IMO she needs to be given a quick and firm choice - him or you/family and she must decide RIGHT NOW. She needs to be snapped out of her fantasy world with a dose of reality. I agree with all the other posters. Listen to them.


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## jakeskate (Feb 2, 2016)

really hard truths you all are telling me. i might have screwed up in telling her last night that i cant live knowing that i am going to lose my wife. i told her i cannot believe she is doing this to us and my heart is broken. it was like pulling teeth to get her to make a decision and she still hasnt made one. my options to her were, if she wants to be with him she can go and be with him but i will not be here for her when that doesnt work out. the other option was that she needs to cut ties with this guy and we can work on things and fix our marriage. i've heard from people here that we should go to marriage counseling. would this be beneficial? and not like we havent had our problems. she has made mention for a while now that it is like we are roomates raising children together and we dont have anything in common and talked about marriage counseling but never took the plunge and done it. also another dynamic is she needs to go back to west virginia to deal with her dads estate. i now cannot trust that she will cut ties with this dude because she has to back there more times. and is it a good idea to contact her mother and let her know? family friend sandy that watches the kids? my mom? i dont feel that it is my place to air out our business to them but if its the right thing to do then i will do it. she said today she is willing to work on things and fix this. so i was hoping to set an appointment with a marriage counselor on friday... any more thoughts? sorry i am verbally throwing up on you but i really appreciate the advice


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

jakeskate said:


> i've heard from people here that we should go to marriage counseling. would this be beneficial? ...so i was hoping to set an appointment with a marriage counselor on friday... any more thoughts?


Maybe I'm a bit biased, but a marriage counselor is just gonna spew some textbook advice to you. Alot of them don't even have their marriages in order, so how do you expect them to tell you how to run or fix yours?

The best source of marriage advice, a long-married couple who has made it work. The best source of how to fix a broken marriage, folks who have had theirs broken...like alot of the folks here on TAM. Your gut and common sense will go a long way too.

Sorry you're in this situation. It's $hitty and it hurts. Best of luck.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You just made yourself look very weak. 

Please do not play the suicide card with her even if that's how you feel, it's extremely manipulative and only serves to try to strong arm someone. If you're at that point go to a hospital and get some help.

Do you really want someone you had to threaten suicide to keep? 

As for your wife, tell her that she's in or out and if she's confused she can leave. Your marital issues should've long been addressed, but you accomplish nothing by allowing her to dither. It makes you an unattractive backup. 

Don't be an ahole about it, just tell her that she can leave and be confused with this scumbag.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

eric1 said:


> You have no idea what's going on and it's critical to see a lawyer to simply understand your rights.


Follow what @eric1 said. Go see a lawyer. She should be told that you have seen a lawyer and that you will demand full custody of the kids and you keep the house. She will get visitation every other weekend. If she does not choose, then YOU make the decision for her. 

At some point you can always then file for divorce. That does not mean you WILL divorce. You can always withdraw the petition. It is a cliche, but true: You must be willing to end your marriage to save it. 

Do not worry about what actions you already took or what you said to her up to this point. Concentrate only on the future - for you and your kids. Good luck and I am praying that all will work out for you and the family.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

jakeskate said:


> really hard truths you all are telling me. i might have screwed up in telling her last night that i cant live knowing that i am going to lose my wife. i told her i cannot believe she is doing this to us and my heart is broken.


You did screw up, but you can make up for that mistake.
You don't have to guilt her into anything. She knows what she's done and the "best" thing for her is if you are on your knees.




> it was like pulling teeth to get her to make a decision and she still hasnt made one. my options to her were, if she wants to be with him she can go and be with him but i will not be here for her when that doesnt work out.


You don't want her to make ultimatums right now. She has feelings for him. Those feelings, even if she chooses you, will wreck havoc on your relationship. I have been there. My ex was still talking about how she missed the OM months after she came back. (this was 10 years ago)




> the other option was that she needs to cut ties with this guy and we can work on things and fix our marriage.


You can demand that, but what happens when you tell a kid not to do something? They will find another way, do it behind your back, or they will suffer great trauma. It wont' work. If she has feelings for him, then she has to be the one that cuts the ties. You want a woman that loves you, not a woman.




> i've heard from people here that we should go to marriage counseling. would this be beneficial? and not like we havent had our problems. she has made mention for a while now that it is like we are roomates raising children together and we dont have anything in common and talked about marriage counseling but never took the plunge and done it.


She very well might not go. You can try, but you need to bolster yourself up, more than anything.




> also another dynamic is she needs to go back to west virginia to deal with her dads estate. i now cannot trust that she will cut ties with this dude because she has to back there more times.


You want her to *want *you. You need for her *to not want *this OM.



> and is it a good idea to contact her mother and let her know? family friend sandy that watches the kids? my mom? i dont feel that it is my place to air out our business to them but if its the right thing to do then i will do it.


In my opinion - bad idea. 



> she said today she is willing to work on things and fix this. so i was hoping to set an appointment with a marriage counselor on friday... any more thoughts? sorry i am verbally throwing up on you but i really appreciate the advice


This isn't going to fix itself overnight. You have no other choice than to embrace that this will be a hard time. That said, it will only make it more difficult by making ultimatums, demands and trying to "fix it" with duct tape.

You indicated there were marital problems already. Those would have been enough of a challenge to fix and now you have a woman with conflicting feelings, on top of it. Accept whatever may come your way. Know that you will be fine with *or without *her. When you do that, she will see the strong man she needs, improving your chances, but also guaranteeing you will be fine if it does not work out.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Have you confronted the OM?


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Exposure is one of the best tools to kill an affair. They thrive in secret. You expose to close friends and family, not as "telling on her", but asking for their support in a difficult time. Also expose to the other man's wife or gf, if there is one. (And don't take her word for it that there isn't). 

I wouldn't let her go back to WV alone, unless you decide to cut her loose. She needs to see you strong, and willing to move on. The heavy lifting to heal the marriage is on her. You being eager for reconciliation means, in her mind, that two men want her, and feeds the narcissism that people in affairs have. 

I had an EA, and didn't escalate to a PA, even though we both worked out of town. That's rare, and you should expect she is giving you trickle truth.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

jakeskate said:


> so i was hoping to set an appointment with a marriage counselor on friday... any more thoughts? sorry i am verbally throwing up on you but i really appreciate the advice


What you may be able to do is get her to agree on "arbitration" and this can be done through a friend that you both mutually trust and can confide in telling them what is happening.

I had an emotional affair on my wife with no sexual contact. I found it very helpful that one of our mutual friends was strongly reiterating everything my wife was saying for me to end the relationship. The reasons your wife wants to hang onto this relationship is because:

• It is NOT based on reality. She is "projecting" her ideas of what she needs in a relationship onto this man. It is easy to do this because they do not have to deal with each other in real life except for fleeting moments of helping each other take away their emotional pain. 
• She is in pain emotionally and is trying to run away from it. 

Ending it will be much like taking away a security blanket from a baby, and she may try to associate all the pain she is trying to run away from towards you as if you caused the pain from her parent passing away. 

You may find it helpful to admit that she needs a friend outside the marriage, and that you will do anything you can to encourage that as long as it is a healthy relationship and NOT one that will impact innocent children growing up in a divorced family. Be very understanding that she is in pain, and that it is OK for her to ask you to help her in what ever way she needs.

Hope that helps, 
Badsanta


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## jakeskate (Feb 2, 2016)

i did not mean suicide by any stretch


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## jakeskate (Feb 2, 2016)

i know she is in pain and i want to help in any way i can. i was there for her 4 different times in west virginia to help her with her emotional pain. so do still play the card if you'd rather explore this other guy , you gotta go? i just sent her a text step one if she wants to fix our marriage is to tell him goodbye and no more contact from either one.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

jakeskate said:


> i know she is in pain and i want to help in any way i can. i was there for her 4 different times in west virginia to help her with her emotional pain. so do still play the card if you'd rather explore this other guy , you gotta go? i *just sent her a text step one if she wants to fix our marriage is to tell him goodbye and no more contact from either one.*


This is good. You have to take a strong stance on this, its either you or him, there is no having both. If she waffles, make the decision FOR her. Your groveling is over. No more begging, no kissing ass, no bending on what you will tolerate. You have to set the boundary that you will NOT tolerate contact with this man. (or any other man for that matter) If she chooses to continue, then you need to let her go. Anything less makes you look weak.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

jakeskate said:


> My wife's Father just passed away last week from liver failure.


Was your FIL an alcoholic? That does not excuse her behavior but might give some insight in her ability to deal with husband/male in the household?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She does not really need to go back to WV. That is just something everyone takes as truth that is not really true.

You are on the right track. Tell her if she goes back to WV or ever contacts him again you will be filing for divorce.

Having her experience what her life will be like is a great way to kill an affair.


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## jakeskate (Feb 2, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Was your FIL an alcoholic? That does not excuse her behavior but might give some insight in her ability to deal with husband/male in the household?


yes he was an alcoholic. it wasnt really that bad until the last few years


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## jakeskate (Feb 2, 2016)

Hicks said:


> She does not really need to go back to WV. That is just something everyone takes as truth that is not really true.
> 
> You are on the right track. Tell her if she goes back to WV or ever contacts him again you will be filing for divorce.
> 
> Having her experience what her life will be like is a great way to kill an affair.


she does need to go back there to deal with her dads estate and financial stuff he has a ton of investments and properties and other crap she needs to deal with. attorneys business partners n such. her mom has been up there trying to get things in order too and i feel like she needs to know. but is it my place to tell her mom whats going on?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I would definitely tell her that she can cut ties with this guy or leave. You have to expect it to be bumpy since you already had marital problems and she has feelings for someone else, but her cutting him off will demonstrate that she is committed.

You can tell her that you love her so much that you will not accept her halfway while she dithers. If she gets to the point where she's in you'll see if you're still interested. 

Tell her that too.

Why weren't you guys addressing your issues? 

What are you marital issues? 

Were you not aware of them? 

Just trying to understand your marital dynamic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jakeskate said:


> i know she is in pain and i want to help in any way i can. i was there for her 4 different times in west virginia to help her with her emotional pain. so do still play the card if you'd rather explore this other guy , you gotta go? i just sent her a text step one if she wants to fix our marriage is to tell him goodbye and no more contact from either one.


Stop trying to help her. 

She is getting emotional support from two men, while providing none in return.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Again, have you confronted the OM?


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## jakeskate (Feb 2, 2016)

jld said:


> Have you confronted the OM?


i have not. but it would be easy to get his number. i;m sure its all over my verizon bill


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## jakeskate (Feb 2, 2016)

jld said:


> Again, have you confronted the OM?


no i have not


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

jakeskate said:


> i have not. but it would be easy to get his number. i;m sure its all over my verizon bill


In person would be better, with one of her male relatives. 

You cannot get violent, though, in case you think that could happen. That is part of the reason for taking one of her male relatives with you.

How about going with her to get the financial affairs in order?


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## jakeskate (Feb 2, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I would definitely tell her that she can cut ties with this guy or leave. You have to expect it to be bumpy since you already had marital problems and she has feelings for someone else, but her cutting him off will demonstrate that she is committed.
> 
> You can tell her that you love her so much that you will not accept her halfway while she dithers. If she gets to the point where she's in you'll see if you're still interested.
> 
> ...


she just says she feels alone and that we are roomates raising children. we dont have sex as much as we used to (once or twice a month) and that is totally my fault because of my work schedule. when she has discussions with me she says very hurtful and insulting words. we got pregnant and she moved to south carolina breaking up with me. i followed because i wanted to be with her and my daughter and she wanted to make things work after being apart for most of the pregnancy. she feels that we have nothing in common and and our connection is gone. i tend to sweep issues under the rug instead of trying to solve them. again thats my fault. but everything i do in my life, everything, i do it for her and to make her happy. she tends to not listen to me when i speak to her but i do the same thing. i dunno this is really hard to take all of these different view points and make the right decision.


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## jakeskate (Feb 2, 2016)

jld said:


> In person would be better, with one of her male relatives.
> 
> You cannot get violent, though, in case you think that could happen. That is part of the reason for taking one of her male relatives with you.
> 
> How about going with her to get the financial affairs in order?


i cannot take anymore time off of work i've already taken 3 weeks of vacation plus the bereavement of her father passing


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Talk to a lawyer. You need to make sure she cannot leave and take your kids with her.

Check out dadsdivorce.com

You need to start preparing for the worst. It sounds like she is playing you for time. 

What does the phone bill say she is doing regarding texting and calling the other man.

You need to put a VAR where you can hear what she is really saying. You also need to talk to her mom about this.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

jakeskate said:


> she just says she feels alone and that we are roomates raising children. we dont have sex as much as we used to (once or twice a month) and that is totally my fault because of my work schedule. when she has discussions with me she says very hurtful and insulting words. *we got pregnant and she moved to south carolina breaking up with me.* i followed because i wanted to be with her and my daughter and she wanted to make things work after being apart for most of the pregnancy. she feels that we have nothing in common and and our connection is gone. i tend to sweep issues under the rug instead of trying to solve them. again thats my fault. but everything i do in my life, everything, i do it for her and to make her happy. she tends to not listen to me when i speak to her but i do the same thing. i dunno this is really hard to take all of these different view points and make the right decision.


DNA the kids. That will wake her up.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

jakeskate said:


> she just says she feels alone and that we are roomates raising children. we dont have sex as much as we used to (once or twice a month) and that is totally my fault because of my work schedule. when she has discussions with me she says very hurtful and insulting words. we got pregnant and she moved to south carolina breaking up with me. i followed because i wanted to be with her and my daughter and she wanted to make things work after being apart for most of the pregnancy. she feels that we have nothing in common and and our connection is gone. i tend to sweep issues under the rug instead of trying to solve them. again thats my fault. but everything i do in my life, everything, i do it for her and to make her happy. she tends to not listen to me when i speak to her but i do the same thing. i dunno this is really hard to take all of these different view points and make the right decision.


This makes it sound like she didn't really want to be with you from the get-go. Very likely, this is not the first affair she's had, either. Take the strong stance on this, and if she chooses him, then let her go. Anything less is weak. Work on the things you mentioned here about yourself so that you don't repeat the same things in your next relationship, if that is how it goes.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Marraige counseling only works when the third person infecting the marriage is out of the picture.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jakeskate said:


> she just says she feels alone and that we are roomates raising children. we dont have sex as much as we used to (once or twice a month) and that is totally my fault because of my work schedule. when she has discussions with me she says very hurtful and insulting words. we got pregnant and she moved to south carolina breaking up with me. i followed because i wanted to be with her and my daughter and she wanted to make things work after being apart for most of the pregnancy. she feels that we have nothing in common and and our connection is gone. i tend to sweep issues under the rug instead of trying to solve them. again thats my fault. but everything i do in my life, everything, i do it for her and to make her happy. she tends to not listen to me when i speak to her but i do the same thing. i dunno this is really hard to take all of these different view points and make the right decision.


So it's all your fault that she continually runs away. 

With your child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jakeskate said:


> she does need to go back there to deal with her dads estate and financial stuff he has a ton of investments and properties and other crap she needs to deal with. attorneys business partners n such. her mom has been up there trying to get things in order too and i feel like she needs to know. but is it my place to tell her mom whats going on?


Here is the deal...your W will not only have to deal with estate attorneys but divorce attorneys as well. You advise the W you are pulling the plug. To jump ship on you as you watch the children so she can be with her dad on his final days is utterly selfish and a crock of crap. File...today!!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jakeskate said:


> i have not. but it would be easy to get his number. i;m sure its all over my verizon bill


Investigate all social media.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

jakeskate said:


> i cannot take anymore time off of work i've already taken 3 weeks of vacation plus the bereavement of her father passing


I would call the OM and give a heads up to MIL. 

She is not happy, jake. Loving her is not enough if she does not *feel* loved.

It sounds like she is willing to try. Keep that MC appt.

You are going to get different opinions here. You will mostly hear to file for divorce. The idea is to shock her out of her feelings for the OM.

It might work. But if you do not start meeting her needs, she will likely take her chances and leave for good next time.

Can you change your work schedule so you two have more time together?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The consequence for this affair is losing the ability to go back and help her mom.

Expose this affair and inform her mom that her daughter is having an affair and going back will cost her daughter her marriage.

Your wife can not prove that this affair was not physical.....so until she can prove it was not physical affair assume it is.

With that said.... going back home....she will never be able to prove if she was being faithful.

This is the price she can pay to save her marriage or not.

Remember....she has found some one else, so in her mind the history of the marriage was all bad.....she isn't going to see the good times.

Im sure you were unhappy with the way the marriage was going......DID YOU CHEAT?

See this was a choice she made....she could have bailed long before she went and started cheating. 

At the end of the day she replaced you first and on top of that if you didn't find out she would still be screwing around behind your back.

Make this affair as inconvenient and as uncomfortable as possible. Until the OM is out of the picture you have no hope of winning her back.

Stop shaing you wife.

No matter how bad a husband you were....she is the one that chose to betray you...there was another option...just as painfull but she could of walked away with honor and character instead of lying and cheating.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Is your wife the executor of the estate or is your MIL? There is a difference between needs to be there vs wants to be there. Is your wife going to WV to help her mom or is it a must that she be there? If there is a lot of money involved, cannot she hire an estate attorney to do the heavy work with wife to approve/sign as needed? Maybe one of the attorney TAMers can comment. 

The death of a family member is enough to push a person over the edge, if there already are problems in the marriage. When a person decides life is too short, they make decisions that are not always rational. I am dealing with liver disease in my household (non alcoholic) and that has put additional strain on the marriage. After a long period temptation, I decided not to be a s***bag that cheats on a sick wife. I do not condone your wife's actions, only that I can understand them. She needs to be brought back to reality. 

BTW, you should focus not just on her needs but YOURS as well.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thank you, humbled sinner.


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## jakeskate (Feb 2, 2016)

jld said:


> Can you change your work schedule so you two have more time together?


no i 12 hour shifts days and night flip flop but only 14 days a month. i get a 7 day break once a month along with some 3 day breaks in between. its a confusing schedule. i work at a manufacturing plant


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hello Jacob and sorry to have you here.

Over what period of time did this EA develop ? What are we talking about here ? Months ? Weeks ? Days ?

You meet up with her, marry her, get her pregnant and then she splits up with you because you are away working and she doesn't get enough sex (1-2 times per month) ? Have I understood this correctly ?

And then somehow you suddenly have nothing in common with her ?

And she stays away for most of the pregnancy ? Where ? Anywhere near this POSOM ?

And then suddenly (your/her ?) daughter and her decide to give you another chance ? And they come back until baby is born ? Then her father gets ill, she goes away (for how long and how long ago?) and she suddenly is talking about getting together with this "old friend (boyfriend ?)" of hers ? Kind of sudden don't you think ?

And then you ask the most absurd of questions like "is it my place to blow this up with her family etc" (OF COURSE IT IS - THIS IS YOUR MARRIAGE FOR CHRISSAKE). And you still haven't confronted the POSOM about this or his gf/wife etc.

I dont understand a great deal here - why did she marry you ? Did she ever love you ? Sounds like she tried to leave when she was pregnant but came back to the safety and stability of you. And it looks like she is trying again. Like monkeys will not let go of one vine until they firmly have another to swing on to firmly in their other hand. She is testing the other vine (POSOM) before she lets go of this one. That she is in motion on her way away from you, there is no doubt.

You need to listen to what people are telling you here:


Blow this affair up to her parents etc.


Confront the POSOM and if he has a wife/gf, let her know.


Go into surveillance mode, as there is almost certainly a lot more that has happened than what she has told you.  As others have said, wives don't leave their husband with children unless she has somewhere concrete to go to.


Start protecting yourself and getting used to the fact that she is going to leave eventually, one way or another.



Dont dilly dally! Do this now.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Bluinbr nailed it. Your MIL is no doubt the executor of the estate unless she has a legal disability. The fact that FIL has a decent sized estate makes me sure there is a lawyer handling it for your MIL. So your wife has no legal reason to return to WV. I may just be a cynical old shyster but buddy don't you fall for that line of BS from her. She's going back there for reasons that are much more nefarious. Sorry.


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## jakeskate (Feb 2, 2016)

EVG39 said:


> Bluinbr nailed it. Your MIL is no doubt the executor of the estate unless she has a legal disability. The fact that FIL has a decent sized estate makes me sure there is a lawyer handling it for your MIL. So your wife has no legal reason to return to WV. I may just be a cynical old shyster but buddy don't you fall for that line of BS from her. She's going back there for reasons that are much more nefarious. Sorry.


i agree, her name is on nothing except some IRA's n stuff but i'm sure most of that can be handled remotely anyway. i think her mom is power of attorny for the estate but her older brother is the executor of the will. i dont believe her name is on anything. we drove her dads honda accord back to our house last week so i know at some point she'll have to take the vehicle back due to the fact that is name is on the title and it has out of state tags and title. we cannot register in our state right away because she needs to research it a little more and i think her brother wants the car back anyway and he'll give her her dads truck to have. its a huge mess trust me. i have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow and even if she doesnt want to go i am going regardless for my own sanity reasons. there are some things we need to talk about but its hard to approach when she is mourning the death of her father ya know. she is my wife and i have to give a little time to process some things incase she realizes she is out of her mind and making a huge mistake. could be a phase but i am hoping for the best and starting to prepare for the worst.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

humbled sinner said:


> jld....That is good, well thought out advice! Jake listen to this person. The reason you have never heard of a young wise man is because there are NONE!
> 
> Divorce should always be avoided if possible. You have both made a vow before The Lord. That is a serious thing, although many will disagree with me. The ease at which people divorce is hard for me to understand, unless unrepentant adultery is happening.
> 
> Giving her a clear choice is about all you can do at this point. If she loves you, she will choose you.


jld is THE LAST person that Jake or any other man who has been cheated on should listen to! :banghead:


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