# Creating a shared sleep space



## Meghan Ruth (Nov 8, 2021)

I moved in with my (then) financé back in December, and have been sleeping in a separate bedroom per my request until we were married. Now that the wedding has come and gone, I have since moved into my husbands bedroom. The problem I am having is that we have a very small house and our room is also not crazy big either (especially the closet ) I've changed the bed covers to a set we got as a wedding gift but aside from that there really isn't anything in there that says “Meghan”. It feels like I am just sleeping in “his” room instead of “our” room. I just don't know how to incorporate myself into this shared space. It seemed a lot easier with the living room and kitchen because those are shared spaces, but this has all of his bachelor personal touches and I don't know how to represent the both of us  how did you all manage the merging of the sleeping spaces?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

I find sending such problems to the subconcious mind, which is always working, to be helpful.

Maybe a couple of pictures on the wall, so his room is not so bleak and utilitarian. 
I like jigsaw puzzles. Some people like to preserve the jigsaw puzzles they've completed into a picture frame to brighten up their spaces.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I'd start by cleaning it... That looks like my 12 year olds room.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

bobert said:


> I'd start by cleaning it... That looks like my 12 year olds room.


I didn't want to say anything about that.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

As for making the spaces "ours". Repaint, put up art work, picture on the nightstand, add a plant, get one of those trendy lovey-dovey signs for above the bed, maybe an area rug, headboard. Whatever. It really shouldn't be any different than making the rest of the house "ours".


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## Meghan Ruth (Nov 8, 2021)

bobert said:


> I'd start by cleaning it... That looks like my 12 year olds room.


Ever since we received his brain cancer diagnosis my mental health has been a daily struggle, and his lack of energy makes it hard to do anything but sleep all day. Kinda why I reached out here to get some ideas on how to get things more orderly. I think if I can just get this one thing done, it will improve things for me by having a little less chaos in my life and help to improve our martial relationship, which is very strained right now. So thank you for your helpful advice 😒


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Meghan Ruth said:


> Ever since we received his brain cancer diagnosis my mental health has been a daily struggle, and his lack of energy makes it hard to do anything but sleep all day. Kinda why I reached out here to get some ideas on how to get things more orderly. I think if I can just get this one thing done, it will improve things for me by having a little less chaos in my life and help to improve our martial relationship, which is very strained right now. So thank you for your helpful advice 😒


I'm so sorry.
I get that you don't have time to do fine cleaning, when you're dealing with somebody with a medical condition. 
I suggest pictures to brighten up the room, but also some storage to put some of the stuff that is currently put in random places.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

These photos make my whiskers rapidly twitch. I don't know about 'bachelor personal touches' as I just view it as needing a good sort out and organizing.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Take everything out of the room and then reimagine the space.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

If he's agreeable, could you start with just a section of the room to organize and bring in your own touches - for example, move the things on the floor by the curtains - either put the framed pictures up or place into storage. Guitars/instruments could be placed elsewhere, or if preferred in the bedroom, along a wall or something?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Openminded said:


> Take everything out of the room and then reimagine the space.


I love this idea. Good thinking, ninety-nine.

OP, if you can muster the energy and he has elsewhere to rest during the day, I think you could bang out a bedroom makeover within a couple of days (depending if painting is involved or not). Still, a simple refresh could be done. All the best.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Bless you for marrying this man in his time of need. Only a big person, a Saint would do this.

You are tired because it is a tough row you must endure. 

A very depressing situation you have, for sure.
.....................................................................

Not everything needs to be in the bedroom.

Put all clothing in dressers in the spare room, except for each's underwear.

Only the underclothes need be in there.

Make-up goes in the bathroom or in that other room if necessary.

Clean and organize a small amount at a time.

There is no hurry, believe me.

If moving stuff around takes your mind off, both of your troubles, then do it slowly, as mentioned.

Concentrate on making both of yourselves happy in the next few years.


_Lilith-_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Sorry, to answer your question about how we managed to 'merge' sleeping spaces (initially), I can't really remember it was so long ago. Although we haven't had separate spaces when living together. However, I guess like @bobert shared, it's much like how we create the style of the rest of our home together. We updated our bedroom last year and for that process, we agreed upon wanting to paint just one wall and the shade we wanted it, then furniture and rug that I led with and knew was both our style anyway (and which he liked), to then moving artwork from another place in our home into the bedroom. There were one or two other prints that I considered bringing in but they got vetoed. There was a bit of renovating that also happened whereby we worked out our closest spaces. And so, we kind of negotiate it together. Not sure if that helps you at all? I like the suggestion of starting with a semi-blank canvas to build upon although if that feels a bit much in life right now, then perhaps tackle it a space at a time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It looks as if you need more storage so have a look on line for some nifty storage solutions. If he is agreeable, just changing the colour of the walls with new cheerful curtains would make a massive difference. Nice pictures on the wall, a plant, cheerful lamps etc. 
We have moved a lot in recent years and have had to do loads of decorating and making rooms look nice. It doesn't have to be expensive either. You can get really nice second hand things.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Meghan Ruth said:


> Ever since we received his brain cancer diagnosis my mental health has been a daily struggle, and his lack of energy makes it hard to do anything but sleep all day. Kinda why I reached out here to get some ideas on how to get things more orderly. I think if I can just get this one thing done, it will improve things for me by having a little less chaos in my life and help to improve our martial relationship, which is very strained right now. So thank you for your helpful advice 😒


Can some of the "stuff" be moved into the OTHER bedroom (like the guitar/stand) and maybe get a dresser for YOUR clothes? That would be a start...


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

When Beloved Hubby and I began to merge sleeping space, we began with a couple things: first, he has "shelving" for his dresser and I have a wicker basket storage for my dresser. We hang up things in the closet. We got curtains that we both liked--so not all flowery but not all manly.  

We make the bed in the morning and nothing is on it but throw pillows, and the throw pillows draw the room together. For example, if you got curtains that complimented but didn't match the bedcovers, you'd get throw pillows that have BOTH curtain colors and bedcover colors in them. 

Then we also put up "art" that reflects US...everything is US (not just one or the other). So we have a tiger wall hanging and a wolf wall hanging (he's a tiger, I'm a wolf). We have Japanese fans with cherry blossoms on them (from our wedding). We have a painting he bought me of a wolf and tiger curled up together. We have a caligraphy thing about karma that I bought him. Get the idea?

It looks like a lot of your joint stuff just "sits out" on the bed, in luggage, or on a table. I'd suggest just finding additional ways to store things and kind of "hide" them...such as an Ikea wicker basket unit, or just putting up some shelves! Maybe some "jewelry boxes" that would sit out pretty but hold "stuff" ... or three old "hat boxes" stacked. Maybe a trunk at the end of the bed, or boxes under the bed. Maybe a bookshelf or something--it could hold baskets too. DEFINITELY something like a hamper--we have a great big square cloth basket and it kinda matches the room, but when it gets full I just carry it to the machine and do laundry! 

Finally, make the bedroom, your sanctuary. Nothing should go on in there but sleeping, cuddling, making love, and talking. Thus, I'd recommend making the room that "used to be your room" into something like a studio. It should be a home library/music room/craft room so that it could be quiet for work time, reading, research or writing... or useful for creative time. Bedroom=personal sanctuary for two, second bedroom=studio for interest pursuit.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Three simple things you can do today.
Gun cleaning kit boxed and stored in another room.
Archery and baseball equipment stored for the season.
Hang at least one of your pictures.

Three simple things he can do today.
Fold and put away his brief's.
Move at least 2 two guitars and the stand to another room.
Put all of his medications and supplements together.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

heartsbeating said:


> If he's agreeable, could you start with just a section of the room to organize and bring in your own touches - for example, move the things on the floor by the curtains - either put the framed pictures up or place into storage. Guitars/instruments could be placed elsewhere, or if preferred in the bedroom, along a wall or something?


Yes to all, but the guitar. That can stay in the room if he ever plays in the br. If he doesn't, but has a different practice space then it can move too.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

If the two of them can’t even muster the energy to tidy up and make the bed given that they are home all day long there’s no way they’re going shopping for home decor or hanging pictures.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Sorry to hear about your husband's medical condition. I hope he has a positive outcome. 

If you have the energy I would suggest taking everything out and painting the room together. Then include some of your stuff when you put everything back. 

If you don't have the energy for that then just a good clean up and swap out some of his stuff for your stuff. When my future wife moved in with me so many years ago we just boxed up some of the things I had in the room to make some room for things. Go pick out a cheap pieces of art and liven the room up a little.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Yes to all, but the guitar. That can stay in the room if he ever plays in the br. If he doesn't, but has a different practice space then it can move too.


There are three guitars. The original post is like one of those hidden object games.
I think depression is what is robbing Meghan of her energy. And rightfully so, she has plenty to be anxious over. Doing small but measurable things will help give her energy. Or professional and medical support, that wouldn't hurt either. this all started in late August, it's still very new. 

I'm patiently waiting for more info on this: 


Meghan Ruth said:


> our martial relationship, which is very strained right now.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

After the mention of the brain cancer, I can't really comment. Everything else seems meaningless to me.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

If you are feeling overwhelmed, break the room down into many small jobs. That could be just cleaning off the top of the dresser one day. The next day, cleaning off the space to the left of the bed with the medications and supplements. And so on, one small space at a time. As the room gets more organized you may have more motivation to finish it.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

On facebook, there's a private support group called Declutting and Minimalism Life. People are very kind and encouraging, if you'd like to join. 🙂


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

minimalME said:


> On facebook, there's a private support group called Declutting and Minimalism Life. People are very kind and encouraging, if you'd like to join. 🙂


Says MinimalME...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’m a huge fan of minimalism and have been for decades. I can’t function with clutter and find it exhausting to be around. I highly recommend that route.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> Says MinimalME...


Everything I own fits comfortably in the trunk of my car, so, yes. 😌


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Awww, bless him.

I had my usual stinging commentary all ready to hit send until I read about his diagnosis.

No suggestions for the room, just sending lots of positive thoughts and prayers to you both.


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## emptyandoverit (Apr 14, 2021)

Meghan Ruth said:


> I moved in with my (then) financé back in December, and have been sleeping in a separate bedroom per my request until we were married. Now that the wedding has come and gone, I have since moved into my husbands bedroom. The problem I am having is that we have a very small house and our room is also not crazy big either (especially the closet ) I've changed the bed covers to a set we got as a wedding gift but aside from that there really isn't anything in there that says “Meghan”. It feels like I am just sleeping in “his” room instead of “our” room. I just don't know how to incorporate myself into this shared space. It seemed a lot easier with the living room and kitchen because those are shared spaces, but this has all of his bachelor personal touches and I don't know how to represent the both of us  how did you all manage the merging of the sleeping spaces?
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> 
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You should remove your real name from your profile. As far as your question goes, yes start by cleaning. I lived in a 976sq/ft home with my spouse and child and had no issues with space. Clean up includes, most importantly, declutter. It looks like a lot of stuff in that room can go away or find better homes. Open the floor space and the room will seem bigger already. Remove that nightstand by the wall and push the bed square into the corner. Use a closet in a different room if that is an issue with clothing space. If you declutter the wall where the light switch is you would create a lot more space where you could add a longer dresser for your belongings or even a vanity. Whatever makes you happy. You have to make the room "Meghan" because your spouse clearly isn't going to based on the mess he has left.


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## emptyandoverit (Apr 14, 2021)

emptyandoverit said:


> You should remove your real name from your profile. As far as your question goes, yes start by cleaning. I lived in a 976sq/ft home with my spouse and child and had no issues with space. Clean up includes, most importantly, declutter. It looks like a lot of stuff in that room can go away or find better homes. Open the floor space and the room will seem bigger already. Remove that nightstand by the wall and push the bed square into the corner. Use a closet in a different room if that is an issue with clothing space. If you declutter the wall where the light switch is you would create a lot more space where you could add a longer dresser for your belongings or even a vanity. Whatever makes you happy. You have to make the room "Meghan" because your spouse clearly isn't going to based on the mess he has left.


That wasn't a shot at your husband either I see you stated his reasonings for the lack of help which is legitimate.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Clean the place up so you can see what's left. If he's got some unsightly stuff anywhere, replace it with something you can both like. Definitely pick out something to put up on the wall together. Or maybe if you're lucky he'll just leave it up to you. Be sure you have plenty of space in the closets because women need more space than men do there. You might have to rent a storage unit or something if you don't have a garage to put overflow in.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

You moved into his place in December, 11 months ago, and you don't feel like it's your place.

Just a hunch, but one thing that might help is if you unpack your suitcase.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Trident said:


> You moved into his place in December, 11 months ago, and you don't feel like it's your place.
> 
> Just a hunch, but one thing that might help is if you unpack your suitcase.


They were staying in separate bedrooms until they were married. Now they are sharing a bedroom and she wants to make it feel like it is hers too. This is a pretty complicated situation given her husband's medical condition.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

The open and unpacked suitcase on the bed makes a complicated situation even more complicated.

Where do they even sleep?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You can order wall hangers for guitars online, or you can put them in their cases and store them in a closet someplace no one will step on them.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Creepy cat has to go.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

I am going to agree with many of the others in saying that a lot of those things can go into what was once your room. A dresser can go to the left, when at the foot of the bed, that you can use for your clothes, or he for his, and you get that other one. Or maybe a matching one that can fit between the door and the closet (I am not good at judging space from a picture).


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you feel up to it or can afford to get a decorator in, then paint the walls a pale green or pale duck egg blue. Look for some nice curtains to match, maybe patterned curtains which have the colour of the walls in them. You can get second hand ones on ebay or in charity shops if you can't afford new, and often you can get some in a sale. If you are good at sewing you could buy some material and make some.
Again if you have the money, get matching chest of drawers/cupboards, one for you and one for him, and matching bedside cupboards as well. Preferably in a light colour, white or cream. Get a cheerful new rug in keeping with the colour scheme of the walls. A nice picture/print over the bed would be good, again something matching the colour of the walls. New quilt cover and bedding/cushions also matching.

De clutter, keep surfaces as clear as you can.

I have done this sort of thing a lot, because in the last few years we have had to move 3 times and each time the house really needed decorating. It will make a massive difference if you are able to do as advised, it will help your mental well being as well. I wish I lived nearer so I could help you:-(


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