# Bothered by Porn



## SoSad (Jan 19, 2009)

I have been trying to type this for awhile and find it very hard to put into words. My Husband and I have been married for 12 years and together for about 18 years. My Husband has been looking at porn on the computer and I'm very bothered by it. I started noticing it a couple years ago and have never had the guts to bring it up to him. I have tried to let it go and I just can't seem to. It's not nessecarily the fact that he's accessing porn that hurts me, it's the kind that he's looking at. 

There are only two things he looks at one is transsexuals/shemales and the other is african american women. Is it normal for a straight man to look at transvestites?? And I don't mean just a little peek, but alot and for several years?? As for african american women, the only reason I find it hurtful is seeing that he's attracted to a look so different from me, as I am white and blonde haired. It makes me feel that he doesn't desire me, that I am unattractive in his eyes. I feel very sad and alone. Sometimes I just go in the bathroom and cry. He doesn't know this. I don't know how to bring it up to him or talk to him about it.

We had a wonderful sex life in the beginning for a very long time. Not so the last several years. I'm feeling so confused and hurt.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

SoSad said:


> We had a wonderful sex life in the beginning for a very long time. Not so the last several years. I'm feeling so confused and hurt.


This won't help. Who's responsible for it's decline?


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## SoSad (Jan 19, 2009)

There are so many reasons for the decline. I would have to say both of us are to blame for it. My husband was diagnosed with Klinefelters syndrome about 11 years ago. Since then he was put on high levels of testerone mediciene. About 4 years ago he started having ED and was given a prescription for Cialis, which is very expensive so it is rarely filled. Also 4 years ago my mom became very ill and moved in with us. Having her here caused many problems and tensions in our relationship. Last year I got her moved out and settled into some housing. The combination of being the only caregiver to my mom and two young children has wiped me out. Feeling my husband become more distant and with drawn has wiped me out. I have been very depressed the last two or three years and probably lessening my appeal to my hubby. On his end I know that he feels bad about his ED. He would tell me he was sorry when he couldn't function, He would say that he had problems. My heart would break for him and I would always tell him it was ok, I would rub his back, snuggle with him. I do love him and I didn't want him to go to sleep feeling bad. On the same token I would still be revved up and ready to go, which would make me feel embarrased and after several years of this, I began to feel more frustrated, but don't want to hurt his feelings. I also wonder if part of his ED is simply that he doesn't desire me. I've seen what he looks at on the computer, as mentioned above the pictures that turn him on and it's nothing like me. It makes me feel hurt and resentful. So with all that being said the last time we had sex was almost a year ago. I am a shy person, but I have my cues when I want sex and my husband knows them - and in the past has responded, but not much lately. I am a touchy feely kind of person, Husband not so much. Well over the last 6 months his not so much has gone to zero. I noticed that when I hug him he backs away, when I take his hand, he shrugs it off. Ooch that really hurts. A little over a week ago he gave me a hug. I couldn't believe it, it felt so forgein and so good. It was a quick one, but it was a hug. I actually went in the bathroom and cried after because it made me so aware of how much I missed that. This was probably not a good idea, but I decided not to touch him and see how long it took him to touch me. Four days went by and it was so hard for me not to touch him, I gave in and touched him. I told him about my four day experiment and that it drove me crazy and didn't seem to effect him. His next words blew me away. He said that a long time ago he decided that he would stop initating sex and see how long it took me. I said that I didn't feel like he wanted me. Then silence. And promptly the kids walked in and that ended that. The thing is that over the last 6 months I have tried to initate sex (not very often because I ahve been so depressed and feeling hurt) and he ignores it. So I don't get it. I was hurt by what he said and also very angry. I am shy about sex, but he is not as much, I feel if that was the true reason he would have said it sometime within the last year. So this week I became more bold in my sexual advances, but I couldn't get him hard. That's never happened before. Embarrasing for me, maybe for him - I don't know. Ok, I really rambled on. So many reasons, so many issues, so much hurt.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sounds like there is a lot going on for you two. it sounds like he got frustrated with you not initiating, so he stopped. and probably he's embarrassed for a lot of reasons. it was just easier for him to turn to porn. and now it seems you are aware that your shyness has created some big problems. 

You both have things to work on. i think you two really need counseling. you need to stop being so shy (hard under the circumstances i know) and he needs to stop looking at porn. 

one thing-though. cry in front of him. dont hide your pain. i learned this with my H. i always brought my anger and frustrations, but never let him see my pain. i let him see it now. he responds a lot differently. so dont cry away from your H. let him see how this is hurting you.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

SoSad-

I'm glad you are getting bolder, because I'm going to tell you something you can both do: Use your fingers.

When a man has ED, it's usually only the engorgement mechanism that is not working. The nerves in the penis still feel good when touched; especially behind the head where that little drawn up fold of skin is. Sucking gently feels nice too. Did you know that a man with ED can still ejaculate, even without an erection?

By the same token, he can stimulate your naughty bits.

When you said you were bold but you could not get him hard, did he swell a little bit?



SoSad said:


> His next words blew me away. He said that a long time ago he decided that he would stop initating sex and see how long it took me. I said that I didn't feel like he wanted me.


This is one of the few reasons I know about, where men eventually go off sex. In his mind you must have seemed totally disinterested in seeing him as sexually desirable. Maybe he mistook your shyness. Or maybe you were very distant.

Have you seen this thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/3714-husband-never-initiates-sex.html

I mention something similar that happened to me, but I dealt with it differently to him. However, I am fortunate to be healthy.


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## SoSad (Jan 19, 2009)

ljtseng, thank you for your advice. I talked to my husband last night and let him see my pain. It was out of my comfort zone and difficult for me, but I'm glad I did. We had a good talk and that he was glad that I did. I was very surprised to come home this afternoon to a phone message from him, saying he just called to see how I was doing and to tell me he loves me. Maybe things will get better, only time will tell, but at least we are on a better path.

Mark, Wow, I had always assumed with ED that once it's 'gone' so was the feeling there. I will have to explore that more with him. And yes I think there was some swelling. I asked him about what he told me about initiating sex. He said he wasn't being truthful (I didn't think he was). He said the real reason is because he is embarrased because of his ED and feels like he can't satisfy me. I knew these things, but guess I didn't realize the extent of his feelings. I read your post you referred to and that is a lot of what it comes down to, his ego being hurt. 

Thank you both for taking the time to reply to me. I do appreciate it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

SoSad said:


> ljtseng, thank you for your advice. I talked to my husband last night and let him see my pain. It was out of my comfort zone and difficult for me, but I'm glad I did. We had a good talk and that he was glad that I did. I was very surprised to come home this afternoon to a phone message from him, saying he just called to see how I was doing and to tell me he loves me. Maybe things will get better, only time will tell, but at least we are on a better path.


That is so sweet. im so glad your H responded. im so glad he called and showed you he cared. I hope you also return the favor, do little things that show him you understand he is also hurting. Im sure he doesnt like the situation anymore then you, so talk to him like a friend (as much as you can without compromising your own needs).


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

The thing that works best with ED is to relax about it. Erections may come and go. This need not get in the way of yours or his pleasure, it just needs to be worked round. Also, there are exercises he can do to help. See the link in my signature for more info.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Klinefelters syndrome can be a very serious issue. He may be looking at the transvestites partly because of the hormones he is on. I know there are different levels of severity with this condition. If he has developed breast tissue at all, he may be trying to identify with that group. I would have to assume that some of his ED problems are a direct result from the Klinefelter's syndrome.

MT I am not sure if you know anything about Klinefelter's, but this completely changes what she should look into. This is a disorder that deals with an extra chromosome in the sex definition chromosome pair. This disorder shows as XXY, when in "normal" males it shows as simply XY, while women carry XX. It's safe to say that he is just as much woman as man. The reason testosterone is prescribed is to "drown out" the extra X cromosome. Not only will this affect how his penis works, but it will affect the way he percieves his own sexuality. 

Has he had any counseling since his diagnosis?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Does he get "morning wood"? That's the body's way of preventing urination during the sleep cycle. If he gets that, he may not need the prescription pills (which I know insurance doesn't cover!). An herbal alternative you might look into is Horny Goat Weed (that the real name!). Try your local herbal store or go online. 

As for the porn, maybe he's just looking for something, anything that will stir an interest. 

Personally, I happen to like the idea of hermaphrodites but sometimes a she-male is very good looking, too. I wouldn't do anything about it but look, though.  

As for the afro-american (I really hate that term! people are american (or whatever nationality, but not hyphenated), period!), again, maybe it's just something "different". Generally I don't find black people as attractive as white, but there are always exceptions. 

Every race has attractive people. And ugly people. And nice people, bad people, whatever. Beautiful on the outside or the inside. Only the eyes stop at the skin, not the mind or heart. 

Again, as was mentioned earlier, ED is only the erectile functions (filling the balloons (aka cavernosa) inside the penis). Sensation does not stop, hence the suggestion that you can still stimulate him.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

dcrim, I normally love your responses, but I think you need to look into what Klinefelters syndrome is. This is the root of his issues. The hormones involved here are not to be overlooked, or understated. She said their sex life was great before the diagnosis. Finding out you have partial women's DNA in your chromosomes has to be incredibly tough mentally for any man. You add in the extra testosterone that is being taken, and it's going to throw anyones's "manhood" into chaos.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Dancing Nancie-

Morning wood is a very important indicator of penile health. I don't know how that is affected by Klinefelters syndrome, but in general, its presence is used to distinguish between psychogenic and physically caused ED. However, it is not fully mutually exclusive: whereas the presence of reliable morning wood definitly indicates that the ED is psychological in origin, many man who have perfectly adequate erections don't get morning wood, particularly if they are unfit.

So basically, if he gets them, that's a good sign, but if he does not, it's not a show-stopper.

Sorry to be so long winded, but we need to stick to the facts.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Dancing Nancie-
> 
> Morning wood is a very important indicator of penile health. I don't know how that is affected by Klinefelters syndrome, but in general, its presence is used to distinguish between psychogenic and physically caused ED. However, it is not fully mutually exclusive: whereas the presence of reliable morning wood definitly indicates that the ED is psychological in origin, many man who have perfectly adequate erections don't get morning wood, particularly if they are unfit.
> 
> ...


Yes, I agree with you that morning wood is a good indicator in most situations. All I am trying to say, is that when there are medications given to treat a genetic disorder for the SEX CROMOSOME, that it needs to be discussed with a psycologist and doctor. She had said that their sex life was good before the diagnosis. So what changed between good sex and bad sex? The diagnosis, and prescription of testosterone. Take a look at this syndrome online and see what it is. 

This disorder was something I spent a term in college studying. My study partner at the time was dating a man with this syndrome (which gave me great insight). This goes beyond what normal methods can be used. When you start to tinker with chromosome pairs, you are messing with the structure of how we are made. Imagine being told that you have some women's DNA. Do you think that would alter your view of your own sexuality? There are going to be things that change, and those things need to be looked into.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Ok, I'll concede I didn't lookup "Klinefelters syndrome" but simply responded to the ED symptoms. I will do some research although, from the sound of it, I won't have much to offer/suggest.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

dcrim said:


> Ok, I'll concede I didn't lookup "Klinefelters syndrome" but simply responded to the ED symptoms. I will do some research although, from the sound of it, I won't have much to offer/suggest.


I think you have great advice normally. In this case, I feel very strongly that she have her husband talk with a doctor, and a psycologist to get a handle on why these issues are taking place. Messing with chromosomes is pretty serious stuff.

I think she needs to figure out where he is at mentally since the diagnosis. Man, I would be seriously messed up if I found out that I carred woman DNA. It would change my identity completely.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Dancing Nancie-

So what happens if you don't bother to treat it?


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Depends... There are several levels of severity. There are some that develop breasts. There are some that have fully functional units. There are some that actually have ovaries. There are the low levels that still have functial parts (probably infertile), and are ok with what they look like, and how they are without the extra testosterone. 

The reason I was pointing out that she delve deeper into the diagnosis is because if he is looking at transvestites he may have a more severe case. He may be trying to identify with that by looking at that genre of porn. From what she said, his issues sound to revolve around his mental state after the diagnosis. Testosterone also plays a big role in that as well. It has been given to women to boost their labido as well.


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## SoSad (Jan 19, 2009)

I need to clear up some miscommunication here. Our decreased sex life and issues do not at all revolve around his diagnoses of Klinefelters. Our issues have all started in the last 3 years. He was diagnosed 11 years ago. (Not 7 like I had first typed. His diagnoses was a result of fertility testing when we were trying to have kids. I automatically thought 7 years ago because that is when my son was born, but actually the fertility testing was 4 years before that, making it 11 years ago.)


MarkTwain got it right when he relized our issues where due to my being distant from being depressed, his ED issues, and our lack of good communication.

I have to say I am disappointed by the amount of "stigma" that surrounds Klinefelters Syndrome. It is actually a very common syndrome, much more common than most think. 1 in every 1000 male has it. In most cases there are no symptoms and scince most people are not tested for chromosome disorders, it is usually not diagnosed. And because it is usually not diagnoes the number may be even higher. Usually when someone is diagnosed it is because they are having fertility testing, as in our case. And because of the stigma surrounding it, most people wouldn't tell you if they do have it.

And for those that asked, no he does not have any breast tissue or anything unusual, he is fully functional, very muscular and very much a man in every way. (I have never heard of someone with Klinefelters who has had ovaries.) You have to keep in mind that with Klinefelters they still have the same amount of male chromosome as all other males. His only symptoms where fertility issues and low testosterone, which is not that uncommon.

As for the porn issues he is not identifying with shemales, he finds them erotic. I have seen this pictures they have very nice feminine bodies, I would not even recognise they were transvestites if I did not know. Does this bother me - yes it does - I don't think a shemale is erotic and it makes me feel undesirable and rejected when he does. Same thing with his black skin desires, black skin is beautiful, but it is the complete opposite of me, I would rather he desire me, pretty selffish huh. I guess it's something I'll just have to get over, easier said than done.

Thank you to all who have taken the time to reply.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

SoSad-

Any progress?


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

SoSad, thank you for clarifying on that. Reading your orignial post is sounded as though the issues started the same time as his diagnosis. That is why I linked that together. 

Has there been much progress with your issues?


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## SoSad (Jan 19, 2009)

Thank you MarkTwain and Dancing Nancie -

Yes, I think we are making some progress. We are both making efforts to communicate better. Sometimes it's awkward, and sometimes it's one step forward one step back. I did get brave and mentioned some ideas that could help with his ED. When I said the word ED, he got upset said that he doesn't have ED. He said he is to quick and ejaculates too soon. He said even foreplay is hard for him because he's done before I start. Usually says we'll try again in a little bit and next thing I know he's snoring (and sometimes every snore ticks me off, lol). So maybe I assumed wrong, no ED, something else. I don't know, we have a lot of things to make better. We do love each other and we'll keep communicating and hopefully things will get better. Thanks for taking the time to ask.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

SoSad-

This is a "hands on" situation. Don't just talk, use your hands. And take it slow if he gets overexcited.


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