# Need some outside perspective



## Sansa (Mar 4, 2016)

My husband and I have been married more than 10 years, together for almost 17. We have four kids. He works away from home running our small business and I am a freelance writer working out of my house.

As I write this my kids are all in their rooms crying themselves to sleep because Dad drove off without telling anyone where he was going.

Full disclosure: our house is pretty messy and chaotic. My kids don't pick up after themselves, leaving me to do pretty much everything--laundry, tidying up, dishes, cooking, etc. (I know this is a whole 'nother discussion about my bad parenting choices but I don't really want to go there right now.)

At any rate, the mess makes my husband crazy, and he blames me for not staying on top of it. I get it, because it makes me crazy too. And I feel like I'm failing because I can't keep up with it and I can't bully the kids into doing it.

But the thing that sent him over the edge tonight was that he'd loaded the dishwasher this morning and I hadn't run it. Now, I worked at home all day and then picked the kids up and shuttled them around to their various lessons, so there weren't actually any additional dishes to put in the machine (it was only half full which was why he left it to me to run it) and he didn't actually tell me it needed to be run, but he was still miffed because I hadn't done it.

But on top of that, I explained to him that when I'm working at home I'm on my boss's time, so I can't go around doing all the chores when I'm getting paid by the hour to get a certain amount of work done. His answer was that I couldn't possibly have enough work to keep me busy the whole time I was at home, so I got out a piece of paper and wrote down how many hours I actually have of kid-free time, and showed him how many hours I was getting paid for, and then suggested that if it was hard for him to separate my work time from my housewife time because I work at home that maybe I should rent an office in town so there will be a clear line between the two.

Then I was off doing something with the kids and I hear his car tearing out of the driveway. He didn't say where he was going or when he would be back and he apparently turned his phone off because he's not answering calls or texts.

I shouldn't have said the thing about the office, I think that's what made him mad. But to be honest, it was a big deal for me to sit down with that paper and try to show him my point of view because he always gets so angry when I try to contradict him. And his way of dealing with his anger is to shut me out. We never ever finish an argument because it always ends with him storming off to bed, except this time it was storming out of the house. So I've learned to just keep my mouth shut and let him be the king. 

I know if I just had the time and energy to keep the house as clean as he wants it to be he would be happier, but it's exhausting cleaning up after five other people AND shuttling the kids back and forth the school AND working part time AND going on field trips. He's perfectly happy to collect my paycheck but it sure does piss him off that I have to take time out from being a housewife to get that paycheck. 

I just need some outside perspective ... is it me who's wrong here, should I have just kept my mouth shut? Do I just not have a place to say anything because I'm failing at keeping the house in order?

I feel like I can't talk to him, like I can't tell him how tired I am all the time and how unhappy I am that I have no time for myself, it's just work/kids/clean because it would just make him mad and I don't really think he would care anyway. He takes time every week to hang out with friends and he spends the weekends doing his hobbies but I spend all my free time grocery shopping, meal planning and doing homework with the kids and he either doesn't notice or doesn't care. And yet I still feel like somehow I'm the one who's getting it all wrong.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Wow, this sounds like something we have gone through. My wife was a domestic engineer for years and did not bring the kids up doing things around the house to help. Now that they are in their teens she see's the mistake. We are both correcting that now. As to your husband, he is selfish is all I can say. You working from home to make ends meet and to raise your kids and him not helping when he gets home. There is no reason for it, he wants a wife and kids, clean home, and white picked fence but does't want to put the time in to make it happen. Then storms of like a child when it is not to his liking. It takes two to raise kids and he is not pulling his part of the load. When my wife was a DE I would do most of the cooking and kitchen work. If you are unable to get him understand he needs help around the house and with kids not to many things you can do about it. You are not the problem if he is not willing to help out.

Seat the kids down and start to set ground rules for helping around the house. Small things at first then add on. Do it together as a team about 30 mins a day. It will take time but you will not have to bully them but be a parent. Take away things they want to do until they do the things they need to. You and kids are on your own until your husband has a change of "heart". Good luck and make some time for yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I've noticed that parents / mothers have a greater tendency to load housework on their daughter (s) no matter how unfair the load.

My husband has one brother and although his mother worked a full time job all his childhood, it seems that he was rarely asked to do anything around the house.

I remember cleaning up at my mother's house and he asked "what are doing that for?"

In any case, good luck in teaching your kids to help themselves. Whether you have daughter or sons, tell them that a messy person can be a dealbreaker in the dating / marriage game. That might motivate them.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Sansa said:


> I just need some outside perspective ... is it me who's wrong here, should I have just kept my mouth shut? Do I just not have a place to say anything because I'm failing at keeping the house in order?
> 
> I feel like I can't talk to him, like I can't tell him how tired I am all the time and how unhappy I am that I have no time for myself, it's just work/kids/clean because it would just make him mad and I don't really think he would care anyway. He takes time every week to hang out with friends and he spends the weekends doing his hobbies
> 
> ...


Wel....

Reading your story it seems to me a clear cut case, it is an easy analysis and simple solutions are at hand.

So that is not the problem imho. You could have read about it also, but you have not, or not understood what you read. When you get now all the information at once, it will be meaningless to you. So you need to start at a simple thing, and let the rest come later.

My advice is first to repair the communication in your marriage. That will take a week I guess. I talk here about real communication. 

- Ask eachother open questions
- Respond to the open question alone
- Listen and rephrase what is said in your own words
- The teller confirms the message is understood

Then change sides.

A. There is no criticism or accusing questioning allowed. No discussion. Just listening, rephrasing and acknowledging. I know how difficult this is. But it is the best way in your case.

B. Apart from daily communication time, NO talking about the subjects in your post.


Good luck!


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## estwe (Mar 4, 2016)

Hi Sansa. I come from a family where my mom does everything and my dad almost nothing. I noticed two things: 1) it's hard even for me not to "let" her do everything (force of habit I guess) and b) it doesn't prevent him from being discontent with things. I myself married the best women on my continent, but she is quite submissive and hard-working. It has taken both of us a lot of communication to keep the work-load at home somewhat balanced. It is hard for her to ask for help (it's actually easier for her to try to do everything herself) and it is hard for me not to become lazy. I found that it is somewhat impossible for me to understand how much she has to do with two kids (4 and 1) – unless I try it myself. She recently hurt her knee and was unable to walk without crutches for two months. Family helped us but still I NEEDED to learn to manage every single chore at home. It sounds like a cliché but it really helped me to appreciate MUCH MORE how much she does every single day.

I hate messy rooms. What helps me a lot is when she off-loads enough chores on me to the point when I am unable to cope with it. As soon as I am unable to do my jobs on time I have no ground to criticizing her . It’s been a humbling and very good experience for me. 

Unless your husband is a perfect robot never failing a task no matter how much he is already doing it’s certainly possible that the work responsibility at home is out of balance. He might be very open to help you, but he might also need your openness to ask for help with some of the chores. 

Another thing that helped us a lot was using our fridge as a white board and mark to-do's there (the dishwasher would totally be such a thing).


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You sound like you're worried about 'making him mad' all the time. And that you walk on egg shells otherwise he shuts down, and storms off. I understand his frustration, but sounds like he just wants you to 'obey' orders, instead of work through issues. He doesn't sound understanding of your daily work load with work. I think that you need to stop walking on egg shells and tell him that you both need to have a discussion about everything, like adults. Hope things get better.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I work from home (freelance) full time. Sounds exactly like the scenario with my ex husband, and FWIW, it hasn't gotten better after divorce. He still expects me to do all doctor's appointments, etc. and still insults my job for not being a "real job," doesn't respect what I do for a living at all, and never did (even when I worked outside the home). 

It is very difficult to do everything you have on your shoulders. Just because you don't have a job outside the house doesn't mean you're not working. I agree it would be easier if you had an office to go to. Or even Panera! 

I only have my kids half the time now and I STILL find it hard to keep up with the house since I work full time lol! When you work from home you feel like you should always be working....it's hard to make that disconnect. 

Parents who aren't the ones running kids around all the time, etc. often do not get how time consuming it can be, how it interrupts your day/work flow, etc.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

The first thing I'd do is stop trying to call him. Don't reward him for throwing a tantrum by chasing him. 

Part of your problem is that in addition to not teaching your kids to pick up you've allowed your hb to behave like a spoiled brat. 

Stop kissing his arse and start communicating with him when everyone is calm. Tell him you're not living like this anymore and you can go to counseling or you're done. I only recommend this because l suspect it will take something harsh to get him to counseling, because he'll think it's your problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

You have a complex set of issues here that are intertwined.

First this:


> My kids don't pick up after themselves, leaving me to do pretty much everything--laundry, tidying up, dishes, cooking, etc. (I know this is a whole 'nother discussion about my bad parenting choices but I don't really want to go there right now.)


You NEED to go there right now. How old are the kids? Effective discipline is actually EASIER once you learn how. The load needs to be distributed. It is also good for THEM to learn this requirement of life. This is an investment strategy. You will have to learn new tools with the kids, and that will take time. But it will pay dividends in terms of having kids as allies instead of kids you feel you have to "bully" into helping. If you tell their age, I can see what resources might be useful to you.

Next is marriage counseling. You guys are not at the normal place that people are when seeking MC which is ... too late. You both need to learn to LISTEN. You might be able to influence a reaction from him by beginning. Learn active, responsive listening. So I am hearing you are angry that I did not start the dishwasher? Are you angry because the kitchen is still messy or that you have more work to do? Help me understand? The goal is for BOTH of you to get there.

If you guys are fighting, you are probably not depositing in each others' love banks. Do that.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Hire a maid to keep the heaviest load off of you. There is enough left to do in between maid visits to delegate to your children. You and your H focus on feeding them well. You all want a tidier house and less conflict. Bring in the help to help you get there. Lighten the load first. Then work on the communication.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Hire a maid.


It really is that simple. And I don't want to hear about how expensive it is. You HAVE to do this for everyone's sanity. Make it work.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> It really is that simple. And I don't want to hear about how expensive it is. You HAVE to do this for everyone's sanity. Make it work.


I will never understand the advice to hire out, spending perfectly good money, in order to mask other issues. Stop gap? Sure, I suppose.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> I will never understand the advice to hire out, spending perfectly good money, in order to mask other issues. Stop gap? Sure, I suppose.


To actually free up space to work on the issues. Working on those issues is time consuming. You have to create the space to work on them. Hiring a maid helps facilitate that. The other part of that equation is make sure you are focusing on the emotional work and righting the balance in the relationship so that that money isn't wasted. And truly having a clean orderly home for your family isn't wasted money either. I was recently so over loaded that we had to do the same thing. It has helped tremendously and we are loving our new space. Everyone is doing better and things are more balanced. My H and I focus on good food in the house, we have maids to do the heaviest of the housework and the rest of the light housework the three of us knock out and it has freed up time to do more emotional work, see my horses, go on family trips... things are much more balanced and all without guilt of a messy house because it's not anymore


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

1. Define messy and chaotic. What I call messy my sister would call sparkling clean. I literally won't let my children go to her house. But everybody's different.
2. How old are the kids and what do they help out with? If it's nothing, then there's a giant part of the problem. It's actually poor parenting to let the kids do nothing while you're the maid.
3. Yes, hire a maid. You're trading time for money, both of you. Get some time back.
4. Tell me what you fight like when it's not about the house.
5. What's the real problem? It sounds like there's an elephant in the room not being discussed.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> To actually free up space to work on the issues. Working on those issues is time consuming. You have to create the space to work on them. Hiring a maid helps facilitate that. The other part of that equation is make sure you are focusing on the emotional work and righting the balance in the relationship so that that money isn't wasted. And truly having a clean orderly home for your family isn't wasted money either. I was recently so over loaded that we had to do the same thing. It has helped tremendously and we are loving our new space. Everyone is doing better and things are more balanced. My H and I focus on good food in the house, we have maids to do the heaviest of the housework and the rest of the light housework the three of us knock out and it has freed up time to do more emotional work, see my horses, go on family trips... things are much more balanced and all without guilt of a messy house because it's not anymore


I guess I see a different "issue" that needs to be addressed, the kids not doing anything, in addition to the issues within the marriage. IMO, having problematic kids will always cause problems within a marriage. If they have the means, by all means (ha ha), hire a maid. But we have no knowledge if they do, and often this advice is given REGARDLESS of means. Living outside of one's means is pretty stressful too. So it is just an issue swap at that point.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> I guess I see a different "issue" that needs to be addressed, the kids not doing anything, in addition to the issues within the marriage. IMO, having problematic kids will always cause problems within a marriage. If they have the means, by all means (ha ha), hire a maid. But we have no knowledge if they do, and often this advice is given REGARDLESS of means. Living outside of one's means is pretty stressful too. So it is just an issue swap at that point.


Yea, we live under our means so that we can hire help to lighten our load, its important. The kids need to participate very much so, but if it is SO overwhelmed and cluttered and they can't get ahead of it, bring people in to right the ship, get it manageable and maintainable, then address the non participant issues.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Sansa said:


> I just need some outside perspective ... is it me who's wrong here, should I have just kept my mouth shut?


It's not you that's wrong


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I had the attitude that hiring housecleaning help was a huge waste of money for most of my life. When I was younger I thought people who did were just lazy. But I've changed my mind the last couple of years, since my son started living with a girl. She suffers from depression, and was never taught, really, how to keep a house clean. My poor son has knocked himself out trying to keep up withe everything himself. And to make matters worse, she does have times where she cleans things. But other times she just can't. Both her and my son work full time, and they're engaged now too. I've talked to my son and he agrees that their marriage probably won't survive too many years if they don't have a housecleaner. That's just the life they lead. Keeping a clean house is something that some people and couples are good at and some are not. It's far better to admit you're not good at it and get someone else to do it than to live in filth just because you don't want to be perceived as lazy.

As for the kids, well, maybe the parents aren't the best ones to teach them this particular life skill. Or maybe they are. It's hard to say. Things need to be brought under control first, though, I think, before the kids are told they have to start doing more.


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## Sansa (Mar 4, 2016)

Thank you everyone for the advice. I have brought up the idea of daily housekeeping before and he didn't like it. We do have cleaning people who come every two weeks but it's really not enough given how quickly everything piles up.

The kids are 10, 9, 7 and 6.

I have been thinking of bringing housekeeping up again but I am honestly afraid to say anything to him about pretty much any problem we have, because if I'm not just acting as an echo chamber for the opinions and ideas he already has he gets mad and just shuts the whole conversation down, not always in the extreme way he did last night but typically some form of "I'm going to bed" or "I'm too tired to talk about this right now." But there's never a later moment where he is ready to talk about it, he just doesn't want my perspective and that's his way out. 

I could try to gently suggest having someone come for an hour a day, which would probably cost about $25 a day, or I could suggest cutting one hour a day out of my work schedule so I could do it all myself, which would also ultimately cost about $25 a day. But I'm afraid to say anything to him because if he doesn't like the idea, it will turn into a fight. His general MO any time he doesn't like my ideas is to A) accuse me of trying to sabotage everything he's done to try to bring order to the house (which basically amounts to nothing except telling me what his expectations are) and B) accusing me of punishing him financially for my own failures, which is how any argument about hiring a housekeeper is bound to turn out. And suggesting that we use my own paycheck to pay for it won't matter, because it's all *his* money, even the part that I earn.

I think those of you who are saying we have to fix the communication problem are right. He came home last night at about 1am after I'd already gone to bed, and then slept in while I got the kids up and ready for school. By the time I got home from dropping them off he'd already left for work. So clearly he's not interested in talking about his little tantrum. 

If I know him as well as I think I do, he will come home tonight and pretend like nothing happened, and then it will be business as usual.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think NS's is point is valid though in that hiring housekeeping isn't gong to address the underlying issue, and that is that her hb think she isn't pulling her weight. 

I have no idea how this conclusion would be reached with a part time job, the house, and 4 kids which it seems like he does very little to help with.  

She's overwhelmed and he doesn't appreciate how many directions she's going in. Even if she gets a housekeeper he's likely to be porn because he thinks she should be doing it. 

And he handles his frustration not talking to her but by throwing a tantrum. She's married to a 2 year old.

There are probably things she could do to become more efficient, like getting the kids involved, but she's hardly lazy, and him throwing a tantrum is not going to solve anything. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OK wait - so what are you supposed to do?? He gets pissed when the house isn't clean, refuses to help, and freaks if you suggest hiring help?

Your husband sounds like a controlling a$$hole.

And wtf is this about your paycheque being HIS money??

You have way bigger problems than a house that isn't clean here.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Sansa said:


> Thank you everyone for the advice. I have brought up the idea of daily housekeeping before and he didn't like it. We do have cleaning people who come every two weeks but it's really not enough given how quickly everything piles up.
> 
> The kids are 10, 9, 7 and 6.
> 
> ...


Move the maid up to weekly and schedule chores for the kids. That's how the daily happens.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

For what it's worth here is my 2 cents. I can relate to all of the above. We have 7 (yes 7) children. I have 4 and he has 3. They are 6-15 years old. When we have all of them it is insane crazy and the house is disastrous in 5 minutes. We have lots of rules. My favorites are: Get it out, put it away, no tv, tablet etc unless your room is clean and you have picked up what you got out for the day. We have a mandatory chore list and the kids have to sign off on their daily chores before any friends or TV games etc are requested. We also have a huge board with extra chores and an envelope under each. You are not eligible for the paid chores until all the others are done. Also kids over 11 do their own laundry and have a designated time slot each week to do so. 

On to the other issues. Your husband is making a huge deal about something small (dishwasher) and minimizing your work. Big issues. First of all, stop feeding the monster. Don't make excuses and don't beg him to come home. Respond with "I'm sorry you feel that way" when he is being ridiculous and walk away. Make sure you know what his love language is and do it. Fill his tank so the little stuff really does seem little. Pray for him. Go do something for yourself. Bible study or girls night out. Something. You need to recharge. Hopefully things will start to turn around. Counseling sounds like a good idea also. I hope some of this helps you. Praying for your family. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

You have a job outside of being a mom and you need to be commended for that. SAHM's don't know how much of a burden they create for they for husbands by not working. Your husband should give you credit for that and realize that he really should pick up some of the household duties. The two of you also need to work on communication, obviously. If the house being messy bother both of you so much then you need to find a way to divide up the work, otherwise if you both expect the other to it, it will never get done.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sansa said:


> Thank you everyone for the advice. I have brought up the idea of daily housekeeping before and he didn't like it. We do have cleaning people who come every two weeks but it's really not enough given how quickly everything piles up.
> 
> The kids are 10, 9, 7 and 6.


So all of your kids are out of the house during the day, and all are old enough to have at least one chore assigned to them to do when they get home. It doesnt take a lot of time for so many people to make progress chipping in. Delegate, ASAP. 




Sansa said:


> I have been thinking of bringing housekeeping up again but I am honestly afraid to say anything to him about pretty much any problem we have, because if I'm not just acting as an echo chamber for the opinions and ideas he already has he gets mad and just shuts the whole conversation down, not always in the extreme way he did last night but typically some form of "I'm going to bed" or "I'm too tired to talk about this right now." But there's never a later moment where he is ready to talk about it, he just doesn't want my perspective and that's his way out.
> 
> I could try to gently suggest having someone come for an hour a day, which would probably cost about $25 a day, or I could suggest cutting one hour a day out of my work schedule so I could do it all myself, which would also ultimately cost about $25 a day. But I'm afraid to say anything to him because if he doesn't like the idea, it will turn into a fight. His general MO any time he doesn't like my ideas is to A) accuse me of trying to sabotage everything he's done to try to bring order to the house (which basically amounts to nothing except telling me what his expectations are) and B) accusing me of punishing him financially for my own failures, which is how any argument about hiring a housekeeper is bound to turn out. And suggesting that we use my own paycheck to pay for it won't matter, because it's all *his* money, even the part that I earn.
> 
> ...


What is this crap about it all being HIS money?? That is NOT a partnership! You work too, and even if you didnt, it is all supposed to be united. He sounds like a selfish bully, and I'm sorry to say, you would probably be better off without him! Let him know that storming out and taking off like he did is NOT ok, and if that is how he wants to be, then suggest that maybe a separation is in order.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Interesting. The husband left his wife and kids and went who knows where over a trivial issue. Didn't come back until 1am. If this were a woman, you'd have seen tons of folks with pitchforks and torches accusing her of cheating.


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## Sansa (Mar 4, 2016)

He's not cheating. I mean, I suppose it's possible he went down to the bar and picked someone up for a quickie in the back of his car or something, but that's really not his style. There would be a lot more red flags if he was cheating. He went to his buddy's house--I'm quite sure of it because I tried to text/call his buddy last night, who is never, ever unchained from his cellphone, and there was no answer ... which to me means DH asked him to ignore my call.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

I agree with all the comments regarding making the kids do chores and potentially hiring a maid.

What stuck out to me in your post was that your H doesn't respect your work. That is common with people working at home and the self-employed. Is it possible to work outside of the home? Have a space and time dedicated to work? I found that very helpful for me. It's harder for someone to demean your work when you have to go to work. They feel like you're not really working if you don't have to leave the house--oh how wrong they can be!

Just my 2 cents.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So do you really think he should be calling your paycheque HIS money??

You two don't have a communication issue. You have a respect issue. He doesn't respect you. He's communicating that to you just fine.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

And I think he has you pretty cowed. Just the way you talked in your first post about saying that maybe you should have your own office outside the home, then saying you shouldn't have said that, and the fact you just accept that your money is HIS. And that he will come home and act like nothing happened, and you'll just accept that.

This is 2016, not 1820.


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## Sansa (Mar 4, 2016)

Kivlor said:


> I agree with all the comments regarding making the kids do chores and potentially hiring a maid.
> 
> What stuck out to me in your post was that your H doesn't respect your work. That is common with people working at home and the self-employed. Is it possible to work outside of the home? Have a space and time dedicated to work? I found that very helpful for me. It's harder for someone to demean your work when you have to go to work. They feel like you're not really working if you don't have to leave the house--oh how wrong they can be!
> 
> Just my 2 cents.


Thank you! And that's what I suggested to him last night, and probably what sent him over the edge ... you know, the idea that we'd have to spend an extra $300 a month on office space. But I do think that somehow he can't separate the fact that I'm at home from the fact that I'm working, and that's a big part of the problem. 

He wants it both ways, he wants to collect my paycheck but he doesn't want me to take any time away from household chores to actually do the work necessary to actually earn a paycheck. It's like he thinks I should be able to type with one hand and do the dishes with the other.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Sansa said:


> Thank you! And that's what I suggested to him last night, and probably what sent him over the edge ... you know, the idea that we'd have to spend an extra $300 a month on office space. But I do think that somehow he can't separate the fact that I'm at home from the fact that I'm working, and that's a big part of the problem.
> 
> He wants it both ways, he wants to collect my paycheck but he doesn't want me to take any time away from household chores to actually do the work necessary to actually earn a paycheck. It's like he thinks I should be able to type with one hand and do the dishes with the other.


The kids should be doing most of the chores. I think once you get that taken care of, it will be easy to address the rest. There need to be clear boundaries for your work, just like there are for his.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Sansa said:


> Thank you! And that's what I suggested to him last night, and probably what sent him over the edge ... you know, the idea that we'd have to spend an extra $300 a month on office space. But I do think that somehow he can't separate the fact that I'm at home from the fact that I'm working, and that's a big part of the problem.
> 
> He wants it both ways, he wants to collect my paycheck but he doesn't want me to take any time away from household chores to actually do the work necessary to actually earn a paycheck. It's like he thinks I should be able to type with one hand and do the dishes with the other.


What nationality is he?


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## Sansa (Mar 4, 2016)

>What nationality is he?

He's from England.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Why aren't the kids doing more chores? If the kids were more involved with the housework, you and your h could work more on communication...mainly because there would be no fighting about housework. The children are plenty old enough to get stuff done around the house. 

I guess people always suggest hiring out...which doesn't do your kids any favors when they get older and need to take care of their own home. I have an 11, 5, and 3 year old. All of them do chores appropriate for their age. They all pick up after themselves as well. If they don't, they don't get video games, or to go outside, or whatever else they enjoy doing. I take it away. Call me a bully...but when they get older, they will know to keep their home in order. 

As far as everything else goes, has your H always communicated (or lack thereof) this way? If he's not always been this way, he has shut down for some reason. 

He also needs to know that you work, even if it's from home. You need to set an amount of hours for work (say 8-4 or 9-5 whatever). After that, when the kids get home from school, have them do chores while you cook or sit and talk with your H. 

I guess I don't see the big deal in turning on a dishwasher if you're already in the kitchen getting something to drink. It's a button. If it's not full and he's b*tching that you didn't run it because it wasn't full...then tell him to hush because the dishwasher wasn't full....I wouldn't even argue with someone that said something so stupid to me. I would say "It wasn't full. I didn't run it." If he got mad, Oh well. Let him throw a fit over it. It's a half full dishwasher. If it bothers him so much, he can push the damn button.

This isn't the main problem in the relationship though. That's why it's important to sit him down and ask him what his specific problems are. You can't get your feelings hurt or argue with him while he's talking either. If you don't agree with something, wait until he is done talking (write it down or whatever and go back to it), then you speak up and say, "Okay, I understand where you're coming from." I disagree with blah, blah.... because...specific, specifics...."

When telling him what you're unhappy with in the relationship, try to be specific. Tell him if the things that bother you are fixable and how they are fixable. 

If he won't even have these simple conversations with you...y'all got a nasty road to ride on.

And tell him the next time he leaves without saying when/if he is coming home and turning off his phone so you don't know if he's okay or not....that you're changing the damn locks on the doors. That will teach him to act like a 5 year old again. Seriously, go buy an extra set of locks just for that reason. People who run away like that get on my nerves. Unless you were beating the crap out of him - he could have at least told you he was going to be back later and that he needed to just cool off.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

When he has his little tantrum and takes off he thinks he's punishing you and he knows it bothers you. 

Next time ignore it. Don't call. Don't text. Have fun with your kids. Laugh. When finally comes home or out of the bedroom, don't apologize and don't ask where he was. After awhile With no reaction from you, I bet the tantrums stop.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

OP, You're taking on everything and not expecting anything of anyone else. H can control the money, be nasty to you, the kids have no responsibilities at their own home, you're overwhelmed. But you'll keep doing it and trying to please everyone to avoid conflict. I think you're your own worst enemy.  And it sucks because you just want everyone to be happy.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

He takes your paycheck?

Do you have to ask for money?

Does he help at all with the Kids?

Does he do anything around the house except complain about what's not happening?

So, he wants you to do EVERYTHING at the house as he seats back with his thumbs up his a$$. 

You need to pull a small 180 on him. Get him to pull his head out of his back side and wake up to the fact that it take two. A 2X4 would work wonders with this part.>


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think counselling might be a good idea. And sooner rather than later.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

> Hi Sansa. I come from a family where my mom does everything and my dad almost nothing. I noticed two things: 1) it's hard even for me not to "let" her do everything (force of habit I guess) and b) it doesn't prevent him from being discontent with things. I myself married the best women on my continent, but she is quite submissive and hard-working. It has taken both of us a lot of communication to keep the work-load at home somewhat balanced. It is hard for her to ask for help (it's actually easier for her to try to do everything herself) and it is hard for me not to become lazy. I found that it is somewhat impossible for me to understand how much she has to do with two kids (4 and 1) – unless I try it myself. She recently hurt her knee and was unable to walk without crutches for two months. Family helped us but still I NEEDED to learn to manage every single chore at home. It sounds like a cliché but it really helped me to appreciate MUCH MORE how much she does every single day.
> 
> I hate messy rooms. What helps me a lot is when she off-loads enough chores on me to the point when I am unable to cope with it. As soon as I am unable to do my jobs on time I have no ground to criticizing her . It’s been a humbling and very good experience for me.
> 
> ...


:iagree: 100% the same for my situation and experience in early marriage.


Indeed a humbling and very good experience. And dividing tasks and balancing workload including house chores has become a routine after that.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

estwe said:


> See above



Quote above was from estwe, but quote function does not work at the moment.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Does he physically take your paycheck?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Sansa said:


> I feel like I can't talk to him, like I can't tell him how tired I am all the time and how unhappy I am that I have no time for myself, it's just work/kids/clean because it would just make him mad and I don't really think he would care anyway. He takes time every week to hang out with friends and he spends the weekends doing his hobbies but I spend all my free time grocery shopping, meal planning and doing homework with the kids and he either doesn't notice or doesn't care. And yet I still feel like somehow I'm the one who's getting it all wrong.


Time to start switching things up. Do you have someone other than your husband who can mind the kids and you head out? Coffee with a friend, gym session, book yourself into a hobby class... whatever it is that you may enjoy that is _you_ time?

The housework scenario sounds like it can be sorted with suggestions already made. 

The heading out ignoring you tantrum-style needs to stop. Someone else with more matured communication skills can likely help you here. My approach would be to calmly state, 'That sh*t isn't cool and needs to stop..' however perhaps there's a more helpful way to communicate that he can feel stressed and upset and still be around you and then actually work on resolving things together.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sansa said:


> My husband and I have been married more than 10 years, together for almost 17. We have four kids. He works away from home running our small business and I am a freelance writer working out of my house.
> 
> As I write this my kids are all in their rooms crying themselves to sleep because Dad drove off without telling anyone where he was going.
> 
> ...



Tell him, you need domestic help if you are to balance all.
You can 
(a) pay someone to come in a few hours a week to help with specific tasks
(b) ask him to give up some hours from his hobby to help.

if not, then go ahead with the seperate office plan. I know how difficutl it is to manage the home/kids and studies, it just doesn't work, in my case my studies were always relegated to the bottom and I missed so many deadlines because every one else's needs come first. 
This week keep a timetable and record absolutely everything you do in the week, for every 15 minutes. Then show him how your week day is in detail. Ask him to help come up with a solution.

How old are your kids? If they are old enough you have to get them to help also , there are 4 of them so they can work together.

Alternatively, tell him he cannot have your pay check and a tidy house. You will consider resigning. if he love your paycheck so much, he will be forced to find a solution with you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You do not want to consider or discuss how your bad parenting choices are impinging on your relationship with your husband and your children and risking your relationship with your husband?

That is too bad. Because if you continue to ignore what problems that YOU are bringing to the marriage then you risk losing the marriage.

When your scheme to ignore the elephant in the room is thwarted by people suddenly walking through elephant poop, don't blame the person for trampling elephant sh*t into your carpets.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have to agree. Your H has particular needs. One of them is an orderly house. Which you continue to ignore. That's no different from a husband who continues to ignore a wife's need for conversation - eventually, you can't stand being in that situation any more.

That said, it sounds like a controlling situation, so I'd like more feedback.


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## estwe (Mar 4, 2016)

Or she is working her ass off to no avail. Maybe writing down what she did through each day during a week and asking for help would really be a good thing. 

Odesláno z mého HM NOTE 1LTE pomocí Tapatalk


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I'm still waiting to hear why it's OK for your husband to call the money you earn HIS money.


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