# Forgive and forget? But how?



## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

For the many of you have have been following my situation, I've come to some sort of crossroad, and would like some input.

Here's the original thread for reference:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/26410-interpret-ladies.html

This morning, my wife decides to lay an apology (sort of) on the table.
She tells me that she realized that I've been her backbone, and that she loves me.
She tells me that she feels that she "went through something", and my reaction made her angry, and to the point of "wanting to be alone". She said that she now looks back, and understands WHY I became so crazy. She said she felt she was having innocent fun with some new friends, and never felt as if she was doing anything wrong. She di d say that she felt lots of resentment for my actions.
She said there was NO intimate interest, but she felt he made her laugh, and was "goofy". She explained that he's a nerd, that lives home with his mother, and was never a threat, and for THAT reason, she felt it wouldn't have been a problem embracing a new friend.
She admits that she got carried away.

OK, so I ask the BIG ONE.....

I ask: we do we stand?

Her response.....
I want to go back to being normal. I want to forget everything that happened, and enjoy our family. (Of course, I'm still skeptical)
She tells me that any and all of her feeling about leaving are gone.
She wants to go about our business as we did in the past.

Just forgive and forget?
And move on from here?

How the heck does someone just forget the 4 months of torture?


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Dear Under ~

That is the million dollar question. 

How do you forgive and forget?

If we had the answer, TAM would not be online anymore.

Take Care ~

VH


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well you can UNKNOW what you now know so tell her straight up, you will never forget the hurt she caused you but you are willing to work on it with her--it takes TWO and if she is truly committed she needs to do X Y & Z to gain your trust back.

If in fact you want to reconcile.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I think she is being honest about what she thought the relationship was with the guy she was so involved with. Her anger at your response and lack of faith in her ability to make choices lasted a painful four months. The questions you have to answer are...Do you love her and how long do you want to make her suffer for the bad feelings she caused you? Tit for tat doesn't work very well in relationships. If I were you, and you love her, I'd take this as a time to heighten your connection and intimacy level and embrace her fully. Either that or be honest with yourself and tell her you're no longer interested and let her go.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

I do believe she's being honest, but I DON"T believe she's being honest about being with me. 

She was so adamant about leaving me, it's gonna take a lot from her to make me feel otherwise.

So far, her actions have not backed up her words....
For example:

She's at work right now. She gets a 15 minute coffee break at 11am.
At 10:45, I realized that I left my wallet in her pocketbook. I sent her a text asking if she's taking her usual break, and to call me, so I would like to pick up my wallet.
11:14, I called to ask if she took her break yet, she said she did. I asked why she didn't call me, her answer was "I don't know", "I didn't feel like it". ... and she seemed annoyed that I EXPECTED her to call me. .....OKaaaay. That's a good start.
Last I heard, two people should be able to communicate.

I'm willing to forgive what happened, but I'm not sure I want to forget.

I still believe she's playing me. I strongly feel that she wants to have a nice summer in the sun, and enjoy the kid's time home from school.
Personally, I don't think she gives two hoots about me. It's just a feeling I get, and I can't describe why I feel that way.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Uh yeah, that pretty much stunk of her. So why don't you call her out on it? Tell her flat out...duh, you want to be with me then freaking respect me already and let's get this love affair on the road.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

Trenton said:


> Uh yeah, that pretty much stunk of her. So why don't you call her out on it? Tell her flat out...duh, you want to be with me then freaking respect me already and let's get this love affair on the road.


Yep... That's exactly what my intentions were.

I don't know what happened to my wife. She literally became a PUNK, since she got this job. She's acting like a rebelous punk.

I dont' get it.
No respect for me.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

She's obviously got growing up to do but I don't think it's fair that it's at your expense. If my husband did that to me I'd be putting macaroni in his pockets...


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

Trenton said:


> She's obviously got growing up to do but I don't think it's fair that it's at your expense. If my husband did that to me I'd be putting macaroni in his pockets...


I WANT to be angry, but I'm trying so hard not to stir things up.

Here's how this WOULD play out.....

ME: Why didn't you call me?
Her: I didn't feel like it

Me: I needed for you to call me, so I can get my wallet
Her: I feel like you expect me to do things, and I feel smothered.


Me: Duh, sorry but we DO have family obligations.
Her: Roll the eyes, and walk away.

LOL.... How can someone deal with that?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

First & foremost, you can't just "go back to being normal". Normal is what got you to where you are. That won't work.

Either there is a "new state of normal", where you are equals and respected, or there's no relationship for you.

Second, this new person that used to be the wife you knew needs to get gone, and stay gone. Your gut feeling that she just wants a summer of fun in the sun with (a) no consequences for her prior actions, (b) no change in her approach to you, and (c) no real remorse and actions to demonstrate it... is just cake-eating and not gonna cut it. Not in the slightest. Her being unwilling to address the '4 months of torture' and expect you to just move on is such classic rugsweeping! No way do you pretend this can be the case - because it can't. 

As we've said and read so many times here - trust your gut. And DO something about it. We are only doormats if we allow ourselves to be. You love what you think she used to be (which you were incorrect about), not what she's now showing you she is - someone who doesn't have the respect for you a real relationship requires... not someone who can show you the love she says she has for you, to help you heal and address concerns and work, work, work to gain your trust back.


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## Dylan (Jul 1, 2011)

she seems like she's trying to push your buttons and confuse you enough to make you end it so she doesn't have to do herself.she can be the victim if you are the one who gets tired of her games and ends it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Undertheradar said:


> I WANT to be angry, but I'm trying so hard not to stir things up.
> 
> Here's how this WOULD play out.....
> 
> ...


This exchange is plain outrageous!

If it were me? I would stop doing ANYTHING for her at all. And be getting away from her.

Don't even gas her car, buy her things, do any chores, errands, de nada.

She does not care for you at all.

Plan an exit.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> I WANT to be angry, but I'm trying so hard not to stir things up.


I don't think you can decide to be angry, or to not be angry. You either are, or you aren't. It's only about choosing to express it, to let it be known... or not. Suppressing your anger is only hurting, not helping you, imho. It's just presenting your portion of the relationship as less important and irrelevant. See: doormat.




Undertheradar said:


> I do believe she's being honest, but I DON"T believe she's being honest about being with me.


...then she's not really being completely honest, is she?


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