# Someone to share with?



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

So...I have been on and off this forum for a few years, and mostly posted and read about the issue my marriage faces, of very different levels of desire. Seems common issue...there are hundreds of threads about it on this forum. Over the years, I have come to understand that not only does my wife have a much lower sex drive (lower desire partner), but also that he desire is very much "reactive" desire, much more so that spontaneous desire (tons of info available about this.....assume most of the thread readers know the concept). 

So if we take the actual sex acts out of the conversation for a minute, how do you other higher desire partners, who have "reactive desire" mates, deal with the lack of sexual expression outside of the act? In my case, I do get the actual act of sex, and at least most of the time, once we get going, she gets fairly into it (the reactive desire kicks in), but outside of being in the middle of sex, there is almost ZERO sexual expression. Having now learned how to navigate in the relationship for the sex itself to work, I still feel very alone, in the fact that there is no sexual banter, no expression from her at all about anything sexual outside of when we are doing it? I would LOVE to be able to share something that had turned me on during the day, or something I think is sexy, or a hot dream, or hear anything from her about her sexual thoughts/interests, but it seems it is never thoughts that cross her mind, unless she is in the middle of getting laid. 

It feels lonely...she is "technically" the only person I could share this stuff with. 

For those of you higher desire partners, does this cause you as much issue as me? I feel that a huge part of sex is what happens outside the bedroom, adn what is going on between the ears, and not being able to share that really sucks....


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

My wife is reactionary, and not very initiating...I combat that by acting in my own self interests. After a few days, she starts to do the small things like with my ears, and small touches that indicate interest. But that has come from a frank discussion about being desired and just doing it for the sake of it.... You need to have discussions and be frank. I put my wife in a uncomfortable position for her. And it is my responsibility to "notice" and react to these stimuli if you will.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> My wife is reactionary, and not very initiating...I combat that by acting in my own self interests. After a few days, she starts to do the small things like with my ears, and small touches that indicate interest. But that has come from a frank discussion about being desired and just doing it for the sake of it.... You need to have discussions and be frank. I put my wife in a uncomfortable position for her. And it is my responsibility to "notice" and react to these stimuli if you will.


Sure. I get that, and as far as the sex itself, I have followed a similar routine, but that still leaves a lot to be desired in the way of having a true "partner". My wife and I do have sex, and somewhat frequently, but outside of the sex itself, there is ZERO mention of it. I have no outlet to be creative with, share about my sexuality, talk about and explore ideas, talk about turn on's, etc. It is almost like sex switch turns on for her, when she is having sex, then off at all other times. This is a struggle for me, as a person who needs sex to be much more than the physical act itself, and part of the overall relationship. I want to have conversation over a glass of wine about sexual fantasies, and talk about something fun we can try next time in bed, and hear her share thoughts, but no.....its not like that, and it leaves me really empty sexually. It almost seems to make the sex we do have, somewhat mechanical. I can understand logically, that she does not desire it much until it is happening, but emotionally its is kind of a ****ty thing to live with.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

I get ya! I told my wife that if she ever starts the "planking" thing....Were done!
Planking= when the spouse lays flat as a board and turns head to the side as to not get other's breath on them....

Mine is getting creative and I have to be supportive. She would be crushed if I made fun of or called her out when the effort was made.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So I'm curious -- IF you start talking with your wife about sex, or just make a sexy comment, or sex dream, etc., -- what does she say? You know just talking about it doesn't necessarily lead to sex and maybe she thinks that if she DOES respond that you will want that when SHE isn't in the mood? 

So, since she is reactive, do you know a lot of different ways to get her to "react"?? If not, find more ways to do that and you may find that she DOES respond more often. Is it more work for YOU? Yes, but it may work out in your marriage to do that.

Does she show you any affection OUTSIDE of sex -- hold your hand, touch your arm when talking, just get a random hug? If not, maybe YOU should start doing that. Look up the 5 languages of love -- you both may just have different ways of expressing your feelings and you are at cross purposes. Maybe you BOTH should read it and discuss....


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> So I'm curious -- IF you start talking with your wife about sex, or just make a sexy comment, or sex dream, etc., -- what does she say? You know just talking about it doesn't necessarily lead to sex and maybe she thinks that if she DOES respond that you will want that when SHE isn't in the mood?
> 
> So, since she is reactive, do you know a lot of different ways to get her to "react"?? If not, find more ways to do that and you may find that she DOES respond more often. Is it more work for YOU? Yes, but it may work out in your marriage to do that.
> 
> Does she show you any affection OUTSIDE of sex -- hold your hand, touch your arm when talking, just get a random hug? If not, maybe YOU should start doing that. Look up the 5 languages of love -- you both may just have different ways of expressing your feelings and you are at cross purposes. Maybe you BOTH should read it and discuss....


If I bring things up about sex, she listens and may make a non-judgmental comment ("that is nice" or something like that) , but she does not ever share anything herself, which is my struggle. Keep in mind, my inquiry is not about actual sex act itself...as we do have sex fairly often, it is just that it stops there. Sex in my marriage is only within the act itself, then shuts off outside the bedroom. We are both affectionate in non-sexual ways, and often. That part of our life is not lacking. We hold hands, hug, non-sexual touch, cuddle, and all types of non-sexual touch, and often. 

Really, for me, this boils down to not being able to have an erotic connection with my wife, because for me, that requires connecting sexually in more ways than just the act itself....I miss the build up, the excitement, the craving, and having someone who wants to share reciprocally. I was curious, if that is a struggle for others, and how they cope.

I find I am very drawn to porn, erotic writing, movies with sexual themes, and any other outward display of eroticism, because i see none of that at home. 

My wife is just wired this way. I am not upset with her about it, but I do feel a big sense of lacking in my personal satisfaction, and no easy fix (fix meaning...fix for me)

I would LOVE to ever have her tell me one day that she was turned on by something during her day, or suggest something fun she wanted us to try in the future, or some expression of sexual eroticism. 

We together, and me on my own, have seen marriage counselors, and I am confident, it is not simply that I want to feel wanted (not saying that not important, but not what I am struggling with), it is more about having a "partner" to share that part of my life with.

I dont know about anyone else, but for me, sex is 90% about what happens between the ears (mental engagement), and only 10% what happens between the legs. Without eroticism outside the bedroom, a lack of build up, the act itself can be a bit mechanical (many times). We both cum, we enjoy being close, but the "energy" in the event is just not really anything to write home about. 

BTW...we have read, to together, the 5 love language book, and outside of the sexual topic, we are familiar with each others love language and needs.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

After reading that book, what is the hesitation on her part? To assist you?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

So basically what you miss out on is any sense of anticipation. That's a huge thing. Most will see this thread and think, what's the issue, he's "getting" sex, and she becomes responsive. Much better than many have. 

You should explore notions of privacy. How much of what she thinks is she actually sharing with you?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"If I bring things up about sex, she listens and may make a non-judgmental comment ("that is nice" or something like that) , but she does not ever share anything herself, which is my struggle. "

So, have you asked her DIRECTLY WHY do you not want to talk about sex with me? WHY do you not have any responses or discuss your desires, or let me know that you desire this?

Does she masturbate? Does SHE like the romantic/erotic movies? Does she read romances? I'm wondering if she just doesn't have any sort of active or creative thoughts in that area -- that she just DOESN'T really think about anything like that.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> "If I bring things up about sex, she listens and may make a non-judgmental comment ("that is nice" or something like that) , but she does not ever share anything herself, which is my struggle. "
> 
> So, have you asked her DIRECTLY WHY do you not want to talk about sex with me? WHY do you not have any responses or discuss your desires, or let me know that you desire this?
> 
> Does she masturbate? Does SHE like the romantic/erotic movies? Does she read romances? I'm wondering if she just doesn't have any sort of active or creative thoughts in that area -- that she just DOESN'T really think about anything like that.


I have asked directly, and she always says that it is fine if I share, and she is always happen to listen, but she says she rarely thinks about sex outside of when it is happening. This is likely very true for her, and not all that uncommon (probably many thread on this site about that). 

She masturbates, but rarely. We have always been open about telling each other about our masturbation habits, and she will often go a couple months in between times. She says it is due to the same thing....just not much though about sex during her normal day. Even the rare occasion she does masturbate, half the time it is because sex between us got interrupted (kids come home, or something), and she finishes herself off later. The rare time she does it out of blue is pretty far and few between.

She does not read erotica or romance novels, and she does sometimes get turned on by sex in movies, but does not ever choose to intentionally watch for that purpose. More it just happens to be a sex scene in a movie that grabs her attention.

Your statement that she just doesn't think about anything like that is true. I don't think she is hiding things, I believe she honestly does not think about it, but that still sucks for a high drive partner, and one who really wants that connection. She would be happy to go along with something if I asked, but that defeats the purpose. Fake does not provide anything for me


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## Belina77 (Apr 1, 2020)

Married_in_michigan said:


> I have asked directly, and she always says that it is fine if I share, and she is always happen to listen, but she says she rarely thinks about sex outside of when it is happening. This is likely very true for her, and not all that uncommon (probably many thread on this site about that).
> 
> She masturbates, but rarely. We have always been open about telling each other about our masturbation habits, and she will often go a couple months in between times. She says it is due to the same thing....just not much though about sex during her normal day. Even the rare occasion she does masturbate, half the time it is because sex between us got interrupted (kids come home, or something), and she finishes herself off later. The rare time she does it out of blue is pretty far and few between.
> 
> ...


I have a husband that basically is the same as your wife. We have been together over 10 years and it is something I have found just will never be part of our relationship as it is. With having the higher drive I still find myself desiring and sending those types of messages to him regardless. Sometimes it can make me feel worse when he has nothing to say back. I


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Almost 29 years as the much higher drive partner here.

Your situation is understandable but definitely not bad.

She loves you, has a lot of sex with you but she just doesn't have her brain wired like yours.

She sounds great honestly.

I could be considered extremely HD and Mrs. Conan is probably a healthy average.

She has come a long way but it has taken time and conversations and sometimes the same conversations along with consistent encouragement and behavior from me.

Your situation is definitely something I can share in my feelings of frustration.

It doesn't make our marriage unhealthy however, it just makes it an area of patience work and compromise.

I masturbate daily, multiple times usually, and have a healthy fantasy life to keep my "animal" in control.

Mrs. Conan has stepped up her game over the years and done her best to meet my needs.

The truth is that she isn't, and never will be, the sexual animal I am.

She works with what she is and has developed and I have done my best to learn what she needs as well.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Almost 29 years as the much higher drive partner here.
> 
> Your situation is understandable but definitely not bad.
> 
> ...


yes.....I know this is the case for me, I just sometimes need a way to vent, and I found the feedback on this forum helps.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Belina77 said:


> I have a husband that basically is the same as your wife. We have been together over 10 years and it is something I have found just will never be part of our relationship as it is. With having the higher drive I still find myself desiring and sending those types of messages to him regardless. Sometimes it can make me feel worse when he has nothing to say back. I


I am sorry....I feel for you


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## Belina77 (Apr 1, 2020)

Same. Doesn't make them a bad match or a bad person. Just sexually frustrating.


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

Married_in_michigan said:


> I would LOVE to ever have her tell me one day that she was turned on by something during her day, or suggest something fun she wanted us to try in the future, or some expression of sexual eroticism.


I am a very reactive sex partner, I’ll be down to go every time its offered and very much so enjoy myself.

BUT I cannot think of anything in the last week that I seen and thought “thats a turn on” . If I’m hot and into it and my partner says “lets try this” yup I’m down - just don’t expect me to preplan anything, things just need to flow.
I did not read all the replies so I’m not sure if this has been suggested or if you have done it. Can you open a dialogue with your wife on needing a sex conversation- even if its just only occasionally? 
Can you take her by surprise with some erotica story in a way that she can get excited about it too?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Married_in_michigan said:


> I have asked directly, and she always says that it is fine if I share, and she is always happen to listen, but she says she rarely thinks about sex outside of when it is happening. This is likely very true for her, and not all that uncommon (probably many thread on this site about that).
> 
> She masturbates, but rarely. We have always been open about telling each other about our masturbation habits, and she will often go a couple months in between times. She says it is due to the same thing....just not much though about sex during her normal day. Even the rare occasion she does masturbate, half the time it is because sex between us got interrupted (kids come home, or something), and she finishes herself off later.


You've said you've spoken to her directly, but have you actually said that this lack of mental connection makes you feel lonely and makes the sex less satisfying/intense than it could have been?

Other than that, the above seems to suggest that once she gets turned on she may remain turned on until a later time when she can get some relief. So, have you tried getting her aroused through making out/foreplay and then talking to her when her brain is in sex mode, but before the actual sex? Sort of prolonged foreplay including the mental.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Some women are averse to crudity. Not saying that's your style; but, innuendo may be more effective. Find out what turns her on between her ears and use that medium to banter with her.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Lady2019 said:


> I am a very reactive sex partner, I’ll be down to go every time its offered and very much so enjoy myself.
> 
> BUT I cannot think of anything in the last week that I seen and thought “thats a turn on” . If I’m hot and into it and my partner says “lets try this” yup I’m down - just don’t expect me to preplan anything, things just need to flow.
> I did not read all the replies so I’m not sure if this has been suggested or if you have done it. Can you open a dialogue with your wife on needing a sex conversation- even if its just only occasionally?
> Can you take her by surprise with some erotica story in a way that she can get excited about it too?


I do sometimes try to "take her by surprise with some erotica story in a way that she can get excited about", and on occasion, that does provide some interesting conversations and sex, but sometimes falls on deaf ears. Seems hit or miss


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> You've said you've spoken to her directly, but have you actually said that this lack of mental connection makes you feel lonely and makes the sex less satisfying/intense than it could have been?
> 
> Other than that, the above seems to suggest that once she gets turned on she may remain turned on until a later time when she can get some relief. So, have you tried getting her aroused through making out/foreplay and then talking to her when her brain is in sex mode, but before the actual sex? Sort of prolonged foreplay including the mental.


Yes, I have tried this, and on occasion it does work out well, but sometimes it spoils the mood


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Some women are averse to crudity. Not saying that's your style; but, innuendo may be more effective. Find out what turns her on between her ears and use that medium to banter with her.


I do agree, and I have fallen into the "crudity" mode on occasion, and sometimes it does cause averse reaction. I have also tried more subtle ways, which sometimes produce a response, other times seem that it is not enough stimulation to do anything. I also am likely not as creative as I need to be.


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

Married_in_michigan said:


> So...I have been on and off this forum for a few years, and mostly posted and read about the issue my marriage faces, of very different levels of desire. Seems common issue...there are hundreds of threads about it on this forum. Over the years, I have come to understand that not only does my wife have a much lower sex drive (lower desire partner), but also that he desire is very much "reactive" desire, much more so that spontaneous desire (tons of info available about this.....assume most of the thread readers know the concept).
> 
> So if we take the actual sex acts out of the conversation for a minute, how do you other higher desire partners, who have "reactive desire" mates, deal with the lack of sexual expression outside of the act? In my case, I do get the actual act of sex, and at least most of the time, once we get going, she gets fairly into it (the reactive desire kicks in), but outside of being in the middle of sex, there is almost ZERO sexual expression. Having now learned how to navigate in the relationship for the sex itself to work, I still feel very alone, in the fact that there is no sexual banter, no expression from her at all about anything sexual outside of when we are doing it? I would LOVE to be able to share something that had turned me on during the day, or something I think is sexy, or a hot dream, or hear anything from her about her sexual thoughts/interests, but it seems it is never thoughts that cross her mind, unless she is in the middle of getting laid.
> 
> ...


I thought I'd reply because I'm the HD woman in the marriage.

I wish my hubby and I would talk sensually to each other here and there throughout the day when possible (in a text, little voicemail etc etc) to get us really excited for later. I had a relationship a few years ago where that happened and it was so much fun! We'd flirt with each other via text throughout the day and then be all giddy when we finally saw each other at the end of the work day.

I miss that. I wish we had that but my H and I don't really. I'm not sure why but that's just not him. He's not much of one for talking to me in a way that is sensual. I wish he would but unless we're in bed, it doesn't happen and even there it's not often. 

I would love for him to tell me his thoughts, desires, tell me what he'd like to do to me later! I've never been one who likes vanilla... I'm ALL about the spicy, flavorful, exciting, and passionate. I don't think I learned this from anyone, it's just who I am. I'm very creative, romantic, and I enjoy intimacy. I want to travel, see beautiful things, be adventurous, try new things and I want to be inspired to feel deeply. I desperately want someone to keep the fire I have inside me burning and to dream with me. To talk to me. To have passion together for love and life. 

My H is a good man. He's kind, caring, hard working etc. But passionate and romantic not so much. I feel like I'm starving in my soul for the things that make me feel alive inside. I don't need him to make be alive but I don't feel inspired by him. I share things I'm passionate about and he's uninterested. Then I feel alone....

Perhaps this describes you a little as well?

I'm actually tearing up writing this because I'm realizing how much I push away so I don't have to feel so much inside. Because I don't want another divorce. Yet, I feel vanilla when I'm with him. 😢


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Tobeknown said:


> I thought I'd reply because I'm the HD woman in the marriage.
> 
> I wish my hubby and I would talk sensually to each other here and there throughout the day when possible (in a text, little voicemail etc etc) to get us really excited for later. I had a relationship a few years ago where that happened and it was so much fun! We'd flirt with each other via text throughout the day and then be all giddy when we finally saw each other at the end of the work day.
> 
> ...


wow.....that REALLY resonates with me. I often feel like I am living way below my potential, and enjoyment of life for me always feels lacking. I seem to get pretty resentful about it. I am sorry you are also suffering through this.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Married_in_michigan said:


> If I bring things up about sex, she listens and may make a non-judgmental comment ("that is nice" or something like that) , but she does not ever share anything herself, which is my struggle. Keep in mind, my inquiry is not about actual sex act itself...as we do have sex fairly often, it is just that it stops there. Sex in my marriage is only within the act itself, then shuts off outside the bedroom. We are both affectionate in non-sexual ways, and often. That part of our life is not lacking. We hold hands, hug, non-sexual touch, cuddle, and all types of non-sexual touch, and often.
> 
> Really, for me, this boils down to not being able to have an erotic connection with my wife, because for me, that requires connecting sexually in more ways than just the act itself....I miss the build up, the excitement, the craving, and having someone who wants to share reciprocally. I was curious, if that is a struggle for others, and how they cope.
> 
> ...


So I am exactly like you. Super erotic, love to be in the feeling of eroticism. I have never had a partner like this and there is nothing really I can do about it. You either are like this or you aren’t.


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> You either are like this or you aren’t.


Yup. Pretty much sums it up!! 

It's something you have inside or you don't. Why this doesn't seem to be apparent in the dating and courting phase is beyond me! I wish it would though. Sure would save so much heartache.


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

Married_in_michigan said:


> I am sorry you are also suffering through this.


Thank you! 

This site is really helping me not feel so alone. It's interesting how total strangers are people I'm sharing with and I feel so validated. 
And it feels so good to validate others as well.


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## JMarie (Aug 15, 2019)

She may be turned on by a different kind of for play. 

Try this... Don’t say anything about what you intend to do. Go outside and have some good music on with you. 
Get the grill out and clean it. I mean really deep clean it. Make sure she she will eventually see you doing this. 
Take a break and walk around the yard and see something else that needs attention. Maybe pull some weeds. While your doing all this, assume she is watching you, but don’t look... If you can sing... I mean really sing haha. ..sing along to a song, or if you can’t just lip sink to one and look like your enjoying the day. Then wash and wax her car.. if she doesn’t have a car.... do something she would normally do in the yard. .. Go inside and get washed up and grab something to cook on that clean grill. Make her a plate.. take it to her and ask if she wants something to drink.... Then say... it’s a really nice day today.. want to eat outside? Smile. 

Ok so your probably wondering why all this.... 

Show her you can be happy just with her company... 
if she feels that your frustrated sexually it will make her even less wanting to. 

You have to make her feel like your so happy with her and sex is just icing on the cake. 

I can tell you from just my point of view... I feel more sexually driven when I feel less pressure to perform. 
For myself, I don’t like to preplan it. I don’t like to feel coerced into it. I certainly feel like crap if I’m not into it and he looks so disappointed. 

I’m very turned on when I would catch him beebopping around looking happy. Unexpected little things like.. bringing me something to snack on makes me feel appreciated. 

Maybe she’s like me. Couldn’t hurt to give it a try.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Married_in_michigan said:


> BTW...we have read, to together, the 5 love language book, and outside of the sexual topic, we are familiar with each others love language and needs.


You need to read "His Needs, Her Needs" as well.
Yes, had several partners like you describe - especially after 2 years of long term relationship (ie past "honeymoon period" which seems to be hormonally linked to creating children) outside that passion and PDA and discussion went completely to "a task that she performed for me, in that I had to transaction for" - and zero spontaneity, and lessengagement outside "the required act" (pretty broke up first marriage, felt like I was renting a bed and paying by the hour...)


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

JMarie said:


> She may be turned on by a different kind of for play.
> 
> Try this... Don’t say anything about what you intend to do. Go outside and have some good music on with you.
> Get the grill out and clean it. I mean really deep clean it. Make sure she she will eventually see you doing this.
> ...


I do agree with you, at least 80%. For SURE....when my wife feels pressure, it takes away the mood (if there had been one). She is much more into spontaneity. I have no issue with chores, doing things for her, etc. The 20% I don't agree...is that my wife happens to have, what I consider, very low desire naturally, so even if the day was perfect, it just may not spark those types of feelings. Unfortunately, that sometimes leads to me coming across as frustrated sexually, which then creates "pressure to perform" for her, which is not only not sexy, but also for sure does not trigger any feelings if desire in her. It can be a bit of a viscous circle.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

spotthedeaddog said:


> You need to read "His Needs, Her Needs" as well.
> Yes, had several partners like you describe - especially after 2 years of long term relationship (ie past "honeymoon period" which seems to be hormonally linked to creating children) outside that passion and PDA and discussion went completely to "a task that she performed for me, in that I had to transaction for" - and zero spontaneity, and lessengagement outside "the required act" (pretty broke up first marriage, felt like I was renting a bed and paying by the hour...)


We did read the book, many years ago, and did take some good nuggets of info from it, but for what ever reason, it did not resonate enough for our situation.


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## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

Married_in_michigan said:


> I do agree with you, at least 80%. For SURE....when my wife feels pressure, it takes away the mood (if there had been one). She is much more into spontaneity. I have no issue with chores, doing things for her, etc. The 20% I don't agree...is that my wife happens to have, what I consider, very low desire naturally, so even if the day was perfect, it just may not spark those types of feelings. Unfortunately, that sometimes leads to me coming across as frustrated sexually, which then creates "pressure to perform" for her, which is not only not sexy, but also for sure does not trigger any feelings if desire in her. It can be a bit of a viscous circle.


Right...you could paint the house, make dinner, mow the yard, clean the pool...but if she is LD (like mine) you are getting a peck on the cheek and the lights are getting turned off. I still struggle with the balance of "doing" to much or "doing" the right things - there is a difference.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

So over this past weekend, a rare occurrence happened, and after a couple glasses of wine, my wife suggested a "30 day sex challenge" (30 days straight of sex). She even volunteered a few ideas for some of the days. I was pretty excited that she was actually being proactive and suggesting stuff. We even tried one thing from her "list" over the weekend, but then nothing since. I provided some input of my own for some added ideas, but all fell silent. I really hate that.....its like a glimmer of hope...then back to the norm...almost before it started. I dont honestly care about the 30 day challenge in itself, but more the that she was proposing an idea for our sex life. I am trying to be understanding that our kids are home 24x7 right now, due to the COVID-19, and my wife is self conscious of the kids knowing we are having sex, but would have been nice to at least have acknowledge that she proposed an idea, then just "forgot" about it. At least she could suggest starting it once the quarantine is over.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I'm not so sure that my wife is true responsive desire or a mixture of regular and responsive but I do understand having a wife who you really cannot talk to about sex openly regarding fantasies and the like. We do have good physical touches outside of sex - normally hugs for the most part so that's at least good. I'm going to guess that this suggestion won't appeal to you, but my wife and I basically schedule sex. It's not so formal as setting up meetings on the digital calendar (LOL!); however, a general framework of 3 times in a week with a 4th time sprinkled in somewhat regularly when I can get her aroused. Position wise and venue wise - she's pretty open to trying different things. Plus she'll suggest positions she wants to do when we're ready to have sex. Oral sex is very rare with anal sex being more common than oral (if you can believe that...LOL) but still pretty rare.

When it comes to the sex life, I'm happy if 1) I enjoy the sex and 2) She enjoys the sex. IMHO, the rest of it is just "luxuries" at best and unhelpful distractions at worst.


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## desiresmore (Oct 15, 2013)

So much of this resonates with my marriage experience. My wife won’t watch a sex scene in a movie, she won’t read or intentionally allow herself to be aroused by anything. She grew up in a very strict sexually suppressive religious environment and she’s a natural born rule follower. So all of that early programming is hard to shake! 

The thing that really stands out to me is the commeant about things going back to normal with the 30 day sex challenge. That has happened to us so many times! Every time I go a long time struggling silently and finally speak up, she tries to “change” and do better but its all talk. It lasts for a day, maybe a week if I’m lucky and then right back to normal. I don’t want to be a squeeky wheel, maybe if I spoke up more often it would drive more frequent attempts at a better sex life, but I’d still feel so lonely and unfulfilled. 

At least for me, I want/need to feel wanted/needed. I don’t want someone to give me their best effort because they feel they need to or as some sort of requirement. I want a vibrant, passionate, exicting, erotic sexual connection with my wife. Being refused that type of thing has driven me to do things I’m not proud of but have given me the opportunity to experience some things that I will treasure forever.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

desiresmore said:


> The thing that really stands out to me is the commeant about things going back to normal with the 30 day sex challenge. That has happened to us so many times! Every time I go a long time struggling silently and finally speak up, she tries to “change” and do better but its all talk. It lasts for a day, maybe a week if I’m lucky and then right back to normal. I don’t want to be a squeeky wheel, maybe if I spoke up more often it would drive more frequent attempts at a better sex life, but I’d still feel so lonely and unfulfilled.


That famous Maya Angelou quote comes to mind here.

It will only get better for you when you stop fighting against the inevitable. You've been shown reality - now you have to come to terms with it. 

After 35 years married to your wife, I am mostly at peace with the situation now. It means we have sex when she wants, how she wants, where she wants. I don't initiate. I don't suggest anything that I know is not wanted. I don't complain, beg, or lose sleep in bed hoping for what I know isn't coming. I have no interest in pursuing her as a sexual partner. I act completely in a responsive role. By the time she comes sniffing around, it's been long enough that I don't care if the sex is as vanilla as a tub of Ben & Jerrys. 

The result is our sexual frequency has been reduced to about 1.5 times a month - but my own mental health on the topic is actually much better. I don't invest any energy in our sex life any longer. If I want to stay up later than my wife, I do. If I feel the need to take care of my self, I don't worry that this just might be the night. 

It probably sounds horrible to a lot of people, but it isn't. I'm not going anywhere, she's not going anywhere, and I no longer anguish over our sex life. It is exactly what it is, it will never change, and struggling against reality is serving no one's best interests.


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## desiresmore (Oct 15, 2013)

Cletus, I totally relate to you there. I think I’m heading into the same mindset that you are already in. I’m just fighting it, I want better for both of us and will go down fighting! But I can definitely understand how you feel and have now adapted to this new “norm”. I track our sex life in my apple health app, started back in 2016 I think it was. If you look at the numbers from back then when I was still chasing the quickie just for me, it was around 300x a year. Then I got so sick and tired of always being the one pursuing sex and it was always just to placate me and she would just lay there...cold fish. PASS!! So as soon as I made the switch and stopped pursuing her for sex, it left the pursuing to her on her own terms according to whatever sense of desire she had. This means we now have sex on average 2-3 times per month on a good month. Going on vacation, yeah does nothing for her sex drive, no interest at all. We went on a cruise back in 2019, so much privacy and no responsibilities, it took 4 days before she ever thought about sex and when it happened, it wasn’t even very good. So out of a full week of amazing vacation, we had sex once! 

I guess I know you are right in the sense that this is where we are heading - but I don’t like it, I don’t want to go there, I don’t want to be comfortable with that arrangement. Getting to where we are now has definitely removed my expectations of sex and I do feel less anxiety around it. However, its not a fun way to live.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

desiresmore said:


> I guess I know you are right in the sense that this is where we are heading - but I don’t like it, I don’t want to go there, I don’t want to be comfortable with that arrangement. Getting to where we are now has definitely removed my expectations of sex and I do feel less anxiety around it. However, its not a fun way to live.


You'll get there, I have faith in you!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Married_in_michigan said:


> If I bring things up about sex, she listens and may make a non-judgmental comment ("that is nice" or something like that) , but she does not ever share anything herself, which is my struggle. Keep in mind, my inquiry is not about actual sex act itself...as we do have sex fairly often, it is just that it stops there.
> 
> Sex in my marriage is only within the act itself, then shuts off outside the bedroom.
> 
> We are both affectionate in non-sexual ways, and often. That part of our life is not lacking. We hold hands, hug, non-sexual touch, cuddle, and all types of non-sexual touch, and often.


After posting on your other thread, I saw this one.

What caught my attention here is that you often share non-sexual affection, which is great! But even those listed affections have potential to become more sensual/sexual. Even holding hands... there's the normal holding hands, cool, but then my husband does this thing where he traces my fingers/across my hand.. and I know that's a signal he's thinking about sex. The way he does it feels sexy, too. It's an occasional thing, but could be while we're watching a movie, or at a friend's dinner party... and that alone can switch my focus. However, I'm likely wired differently to your wife, so keep that in mind. Just wanted to share those affections 'outside of the bedroom' can become sexual affections, they're kinda subtle, and it's just for that moment but, for us at least, become incremental connectors of tension.


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