# First thing I do...



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

when I see a new thread is look at the number of posts by the OP.

If that number is 1, I tend to take everything with a grain of salt. In fact, I usually don't even read it.

If that number is between 2-10, I start to pay attention, but usually don't respond, because, well, there are lot of post and runners out there.

Once the OP is over 10-20 posts, and is posting a bit on other people's threads, then I'm more apt to begin trying to help them.

Anyone with me, or am I just being an a**hole?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Good strategy, one I should try to adopt. There are a lot of posters who post and run.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Agreed.

Also a lot of the 1 post seem to be to fanatical to be plausible.

The one guy posting about clowns running a train on his wife cracked me up though.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Agreed.
> 
> Also a lot of the 1 post seem to be to fanatical to be plausible.
> 
> The one guy posting about clowns running a train on his wife cracked me up though.


I agree. But truth can be stranger than fiction. 

I think a lot of BS's who post don't come back because they are overwhelmed. 

Or, perhaps they are not used to using the internet, find the board and can't find their way back. 

I always give the benefit of the doubt. 

If it's a fake post. So what, let them laugh. If it's real they at least get some valuable insight even if they may not want to initially hear it. 

During my initial reconciliation, I never posted here. 

I lurked on the reconciliation board. 

I wanted to save my marriage so badly that I didn't want to deal with the negative feed back I knew I would get here. So I avoided this board. 

I wish I hadn't. But I did. 

I can see it with some posters here, too. 

If they are in R and the people here question it from the outside looking in, they get a tad testy about it, rather than just considering the possibility that their spouse went underground or is engaging in some other sexually addictive behaviors, and staying alert as suggested.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I tend to judge on a case by case basis. 

I know that the truth can be stranger than some of the things that I write about. Nah, not really. However, some of the things that happened to my husband's OW could appear in a novel. She was hit by a bus.

I think the main deciding point for me is if the writing styles are similar to previous trolls or if their story changes from post to post. 

There are some trolls who are dedicated to their..craft? They can amass over 100 posts before anyone figures them for a troll.

Plus, I would hate to think that I pass over someone who needed help because I think that they are just yanking our proverbial chains.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I don't agree with ignoring posters with 1 post. Genuineness could be easily deciphered.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

I'm one of the posters who didn't post a lot. I'm not very good at giving advice so I did more lurking and learning from reading what others said. In fact, it was through one thread, 'Our Vision Shattered' that inspired me and got me strong enough to move forward and file for divorce.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> I don't agree with ignoring posters with 1 post. Genuineness could be easily deciphered.


The 1 post posters are the most annoying. They never respond to any of the advice or feedback, so you have no idea if you are helping them, or if they are taking any heed at all. There has to be some give and take, IMHO.


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## NornIron7 (Jul 5, 2012)

For my two cents, for what its worth.
Its hard to take that first step, to ask for help. You feel lost, don't know where to turn and what to do or ask. 
Then you come here as I did. But perhaps the advice conflicts with your core thoughts and beliefs. Its hard to take that in and keep coming.
For me I come on an ad hoc basis. I read more than I post. I digest it in and slowly try to make sense of it all and relate everything to my situation.
In short I wouldn't rule out helping someone who only has a few posts. Although to be fair I can't even help myself much these days lol.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> The 1 post posters are the most annoying. They never respond to any of the advice or feedback, so you have no idea if you are helping them, or if they are taking any heed at all. There has to be some give and take, IMHO.


I believe there was some "give and take" with the "clown" guy. And "JB100" went on and on, creating threads and posting his observations.

The "flag" for me is in the salacious details within the original post. If the BS seems to be getting off on sharing those particular details, I tend to wait out the other responses before I make a comment. The thread about the clowns was a perfect example of what I'm talking about. Details. Were the details important to the story? What was the purpose?

And yes, we could all be wrong about the OP, which although I may be tempted to post a snarky response, I wait before responding at all, and usual post as if the story could be true. It may not help the "troll", but for others reading the advise could be helpful.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> when I see a new thread is look at the number of posts by the OP.
> 
> If that number is 1, I tend to take everything with a grain of salt. In fact, I usually don't even read it.
> 
> ...


No you are not an A-Hole.. you are right on this one


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

One thing I will admit to, is ignoring very young posters...I have no interest in opening up a dialoque of a serious nature with someone who could quite possibly actually be my own child...


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> One thing I will admit to, is ignoring very young posters...I have no interest in opening up a dialoque of a serious nature with someone who could quite possibly actually be my own child...


That's an interesting point as well. If it becomes clear that the poster is, say 21, and you are in your 40s/50s/whatever, it may be hard to relate or get through. But then again, that's what we're here for. These 21 year olds could use some advice from people their parents' ages, who aren't their parents.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

I can understand how it would be annoying to see your efforts wasted on some troll, but like writer put it, it isn't right to risk not helping somebody because his story seems odd. Even though it turns out to be fake, our post may help someone else that had a similar genuine situation.

I don't think you're an a**hole, though. Help must be spontaneous and comes from consent and should not be forced.

It is also very hard to detect liars if they made it an "art", look at how long it took Madoff to be brought to light.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Torrivien said:


> I can understand how it would be annoying to see your efforts wasted on some troll, but like writer put it, it isn't right to risk not helping somebody because his story seems odd. Even though it turns out to be fake, our post may help someone else that had a similar genuine situation.
> 
> I don't think you're an a**hole, though. Help must be spontaneous and comes from consent and should not be forced.
> 
> It is also very hard to detect liars if they made it an "art", look at how long it took Madoff to be brought to light.


And I'm not saying I'll never help them. I'll just wait until I see they are sticking around first. So the 1 post poster adds some more posts, even later on, then I'll be more likely to respond.

And yes, there are the awesome trolls that post 50 times before they are detected. Those are the ones that fool us all and we just have to say, oh well.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> And I'm not saying I'll never help them. I'll just wait until I see they are sticking around first. So the 1 post poster adds some more posts, even later on, then I'll be more likely to respond.
> 
> And yes, there are the awesome trolls that post 50 times before they are detected. Those are the ones that fool us all and we just have to say, oh well.


The responses may help someone who is lurking and may be in a similar situation. 

I used to date a detective in Manhattan, some of the things he told me sounded implausible and like fiction, but they were definitely not. 

As for people who post seemingly sensitive personal details, Initially I was so distraught after a second Dday that I posted a tad too much personal information. 

I was just venting anonymously. I also had told no friends or family at that point, only talked to counselors who advised against outing the cheating spouse.

I really think a lot of people who come here may be totally distraught and have no one they want to share all their personal stuff with. 

Being cheated on is humiliating in many many ways.

My closest family member, my older brother has PTSD from his war experience and if I told him he would have likely assaulted my spouse, whom he likes a lot, btw, and my brother would be in jail. 

So venting anonymously was a great help emotionally.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I don't think it's fair to avoid posting to someone who has less than a certain number of posts. It would be upsetting to have a crisis,go somewhere for help but not get that help bc you're new.

No one truly knows what anyone else is going through.When someone posts for the first time and puts their whole situation into the message,they could be on the brink of killing someone or killing themselves because they were cheated on or made the mistake of doing the cheating,whatever and the advice/sympathy/guidance they get here could be the thing they need to talk them off the ledge.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I don't think it's fair to avoid posting to someone who has less than a certain number of posts. It would be upsetting to have a crisis,go somewhere for help but not get that help bc you're new.
> 
> No one truly knows what anyone else is going through.When someone posts for the first time and puts their whole situation into the message,they could be on the brink of killing someone or killing themselves because they were cheated on or made the mistake of doing the cheating,whatever and the advice/sympathy/guidance they get here could be the thing they need to talk them off the ledge.


Fair enough. I'm just cautious is all. Others dive right in. The one post poster drives me insane. If your story is real, have some courtesty to acknowledge the help you are getting.


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## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

I am a new here. My story is the same as many here and, for the moment, I don't feel like sharing it. I try to learn by reading a lot of threads and see what can help me without asking directly for help.

My d-day was 35 days ago and I am still utterly shocked. I also know that my understanding of what happened to me is incomplete and I need to work on that before I can share anything here.

Having said that, even beginners like me could need to ask specific questions to help them understand and benefit from the knowledge and experiences of all of you.

Thanks for reading me.

(and I am 47...)


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Petyot said:


> I am a new here. My story is the same as many here and, for the moment, I don't feel like sharing it. I try to learn by reading a lot of threads and see what can help me without asking directly for help.
> 
> My d-day was 35 days ago and I am still utterly shocked. I also know that my understanding of what happened to me is incomplete and I need to work on that before I can share anything here.
> 
> ...


Welcome. You also have folks that read and maybe post a few times on other boards before feeling okay to share their own. These are typically legit types. 

Sometimes you need to share just plain facts, without your emotions/opinions laced in there, and get solid answers before you can process your situation. Feel free to do so. I'll look out for it.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Hard to know which way to go with this.........thread starting with no previous posts can easily mean that a person in deep turmoil has just found TAM and is searching for help......or it could mean that someone is just spending the night playing around the internet, and has landed here looking to stir things up a bit. Does it really matter if we at least try to help someone, at least until we know for sure they are trolling?

Me.......I have a very low post count, and yet I have probably spent more time than 90% of current members over the last year reading and analyzing, and trying to figure myself out. That effort at self analysis and my age (58) have prompted me to add my two cents once in a while recently.


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## Chris22 (Jul 16, 2012)

I read through a few threads before I posted my own. Ones where the OP didn't post were neither helpful or insightful whereas the ones where they did were of great use.

I have only started 2 threads, and yet have around 100 posts. The other forum members were incredibly helpful in the predicament I am in. I was taken by surprise by how many people actually posted almost instantly trying to help me, not just giving the old "man up wet pants" comment. I tried to respond as best as I could to everyone's input. 

threads that have few posts from the OP and loads from everyone else seem somewhat of a waste of time. If the guy/girl really wanted help that much they would be replying to the comments more frequently.

My original intention was to come here to see peoples opinions and then leave once I had got myself sorted, but the way everyone helped me has made me want to try and help others, I'm here for good.


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## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Welcome. You also have folks that read and maybe post a few times on other boards before feeling okay to share their own. These are typically legit types.
> 
> Sometimes you need to share just plain facts, without your emotions/opinions laced in there, and get solid answers before you can process your situation. Feel free to do so. I'll look out for it.


Thanks for the welcoming message! 

I will definitively post one day. I am not ready yet. And since english is not my first language, it is a bit more difficult for me to express correctly what I feel (as if I could understand what I feel now )


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Okay I'll admit it. Two years ago, under a different screen name, I was a post-and-runner (though not in this section). I had more than one post but not by much, I believe around 17 or so.

My ex and I were separated but living together (not due to infidelity) still and I simply was not ready to hear the good advice that I received in the considering divorce/separation thread... Most of which was to do the 180, detach from him and even leave if I had to. I was still very content to be a doormat and kiss my ex's ass and blaming myself for all of our issues then. I was also too scared to follow the good advice, unfortunatley.

Anyway, we reconciled then and decided to work on us (_which meant only working on me_ ). I did change for the better, he changed for the worst and three weeks ago was my D-Day. I've been using this site religiously since then and am now:


Doing the 180
Separating (already have); and
Detaching/Letting him go

as was initially advised. Boy oh boy am I kicking myself for not sticking things out the first time around! It's a shame I had to be betrayed in order to wake up. I could have saved myself two years had I stuck around.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Sorry for your situation Miss.


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## blueorange (Jul 2, 2012)

That seems a bit shallow. I don't feel like I need to be spending alot of time on here or giving advice when I don't know what to do with myself.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

See this is when Lamega comes in handy. She was nearly ALWAYS the first to respond.

Im kinda the opposite. If I see someone 20 pages in still vacillating the exact same thing after numerous experienced posters say "OMG, RED FLAG, DO SOMETHING NOW" . Then a week later and ten more pages still " I really didnt think it was that bad til I came here" ......REALLY??????? Sure you did, you came HERE! Its like they want you to beg them to fix THEIR lives before the train hits them. GRRR!


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

It's a good strategy, but I would personally moderate it. I had a first post once upon a time.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Sorry for your situation Miss.


Thanks... It was my fault for not being ready yet to assert myself and demand more for myself at the time. I just wasn't ready to hear it/heed the advice yet. 

I'm not the most spiritual person but I do believe that everything happens for a reason. While this might not have been where I wanted to be, I take it as this is where I need to be at this time in my life... I just hope the reason is a good one!!!


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Gabriel, that's not a bad strategy. 

Do you have one on how not to get sucked into responding to a zombie thread (one that died a long time ago only to be brought back to life?)


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

If it sounds far fetched I stay away. You know ...the " My wife slept with my best friend's dog while I watched" threads.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> If it sounds far fetched I stay away. You know ...the " My wife slept with my best friend's dog while I watched" threads.


Ah, come on Joe-wheres your sense of adventure????


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