# Seeking female perspective



## falconbridge (Feb 8, 2017)

Hi,

I am seeking a female perspective. My wife said I need to appreciate while we are married I am not her best friend. It seems that role is filled by a male colleague (who has young children and is in an unhappy marriage). Thanks to social networking they are in constant communications 24x7 and feels like a constant 3rd wheel in our relationship and has done for a few years but I never said anything because due to work issues I thought having a support network at work was a good thing. She also said to me she was speaking to another guy today who she knows over the phone and on Facebook but has never met but shares a common interest. He said he would love to do some night photography with her one evening (at what can only be described as a romantic spot). She said to me she hates the fact she would feel guilty at doing it due to what I would think and a lack of trust.

I can see her point, she is quite flirty (and is really good looking), has very few female friends, I am more of a quiet introvert. However she has also recently told me she was (and possibly still having) an emotional affair with another person as our relationship felt lonely. We can't talk about this, or at least I can't ask as she is so closed off to me at the moment so I am in limbo not knowing what is going on while she wants space to get her thoughts together. 

My reason for posting this here is to try and understand a female perspective on this, and also ask if there are any books or sites I can read to better understand this situation. I am genuine in my desire to fix our relationship starting by looking at myself.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Ok, I'm not a female, but here is something that stood out. She is telling you a lot. It looks to me like she wants to do these things with you, otherwise she wouldn't say anything and just do it. You should be the one to take her to that spot for the photography. Even if photography is not your thing, take her there and let her take pictures.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Not a female! But I'd be more concerned about whether this special friend is "popping flashbulbs" alone with her at night!

And if he, perhaps, is making use of a "long lense!"

In marriage, this arrangement is grossly unacceptable!*


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *Not a female! But I'd be more concerned about whether this special friend is "popping flashbulbs" alone with her at night!
> 
> And if he, perhaps, is making use of a "long lense!"
> 
> In marriage, this arrangement is grossly unacceptable!*



I don't think she's met "long lens guy" yet

Agreed on unacceptable boundary crossing


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

falconbridge said:


> Hi,
> 
> I am seeking a female perspective. My wife said I need to appreciate while we are married I am not her best friend. It seems that role is filled by a male colleague (who has young children and is in an unhappy marriage). Thanks to social networking they are in constant communications 24x7 and feels like a constant 3rd wheel in our relationship and has done for a few years but I never said anything because due to work issues I thought having a support network at work was a good thing. *She also said to me she was speaking to another guy today who she knows over the phone and on Facebook *but has never met but shares a common interest. He said he would love to do some night photography with her one evening (at what can only be described as a romantic spot). She said to me she hates the fact she would feel guilty at doing it due to what I would think and a lack of trust.
> 
> ...


I have tried to understand the perspective that your wife has, so I will try: (I'm female.)
1. A fair few women think it's cool to have male friends. _They're a better grade of friends, ITO._
2. some people think that "friend" trumps spouse. It is true that everyone has a few lifelong friends whose friendships last longer than any marriage. But that's disrespecting the institution of marriage and, practically speaking, ignores the huge sacrifice that a spouse makes to the partner. Friends come in and out of your life. You don't expect them to give up that Christmas ski trip to hang out with your family, including your surly brother. So why deprioritise the needs of your spouse in favor of a "friend."

I had to untangle the friend issue, fortunately, while we still dating. I would say that a woman who has few female friends is a red flag. And a woman who is proud of that; who also disparages other women --"oh, they're so catty" is just off the charts......... Run, Forest, run!

I would also be concerned about anyone who believes /acts as if opposite sex friends are completely interchangeable with same sex friendships. That is, while you don't mind your wife taking a trip with a female friend, I would imagine you would with a male friend. IF she refuses to understand that distinction, you're in for a long bumpy run.

Why don't you go on this photo mission with your wife. It is with a guy she claims she has never met, so there is a layer of danger there.

But I think you need to consider long and hard about remaining married to someone who makes friends with men under these random circumstances.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

So, your wife has already indicated that her male friend is more important than you are. She also has, apparently, zero boundaries with the opposite sex. She's very flirty by even your own admission. She's flat out told you she's having (at least) an emotional affair with another man. Now she wants to meet up with some rando she found online, alone at night, and doesn't want to discuss it. She says she hates feeling like her behavior is restricted because she's a married woman.

Dude. Your wife either isn't cut out to be in a monogamous relationship, or just isn't interested in being in one with you. Either way, your wife is cheating on you. Are you okay with that? If not, why are you putting up with it? Why is your go-to move to try to fix yourself in order to get her back, rather than focusing on what the real issue is: your cheating wife? 

I strongly suggest you get into counseling for yourself ASAP. Tell your new therapist that you are in desperate need of improved self-esteem and a much better understanding of boundaries and how to set and inforce them. You need to figure out why you don't seem to think you deserve better.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If my husband told me his "best friend" was a female co-worker and they were in constant contact, well, he wouldn't be my husband anymore.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

A male best friend?

Going to a romantic spot alone with another man?

What more does she have to do to get you to divorce her?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jld said:


> A male best friend?
> 
> Going to a romantic spot alone with another man?
> 
> What more does she have to do to get you to divorce her?


QFT.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Until I get the go ahead from the doctor, I am not a woman, but still ...

Meeting random guys online, admitted to having an emotional affair (which apparently you don't see this as being serious since you let her control the dialogue i.e. she won't talk about it), seriously how is every red flag not going off for you? If she said she was having a physical affair with a guy but didn't want to talk to you about it so she could sort things out, would you just blow off as easily?

This part here though takes the cake:



> He said he would love to do some night photography with her one evening (at what can only be described as a romantic spot). She said to me she hates the fact she would feel guilty at doing it due to what I would think and a lack of trust.


Sorry, but there is nothing acceptable or ok with this. She is even trying to spin it around on you by saying she would feel guilty doing BECAUSE OF YOU.

She is having an emotional affair, quite possibly a physical affair. Seek counseling immediately if you even want to salvage. Otherwise, start making plans to protect yourself/your assets, meet with a lawyer.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Female perspective:

She doesn't respect you.

She's slowly tested the waters to see how much she can get away with and you've fallen for it and essentially given her your approval to have an EA.

You think you're being a good husband by being super nice and understanding. Newsflash - that's counter intuitive. Case in point, the current dynamic in your relationship.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You carry her water.

Other men carry her across the finish line.

She is not cheating. She is not. She is flat-out telling you what she wants, what she needs and what she is doing and wants to do. She is asking for your blessing.

Or....she is hoping you get angry and tell her in no uncertain terms that she is your wife. This **** stops now.

Stand tall and block her. Or step aside and serve her with divorce papers. There is no other option.

Blocking her loudly may fail. But that tells you that she wants out. That she does not want you in any shape or form.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Another woman here:

She doesn't have many female friends but has lots of male friends she likes to get attention from. 

Women like this are poor partner material because they're always seeking out male attention, and they don't have women friends because they don't like the competition. They want to be the only woman in the room so they can get all of the attention. 

In addition, she's basically dating other men in broad daylight.

Are you sure you want to live with this?


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## falconbridge (Feb 8, 2017)

You are all right. I feel like the most stupid person in the world, it is all in front of me. My self esteem levels are low, but you know there are two sides to every story. I am sure there are loads of things I could have done better or done wrong and I sincerely want to understand them because I believe self reflection is a big part of where growth comes from. Maybe this very attitude is my failing. 

I am perhaps old fashion and utterly believe in the commitment of marriage. 

I went to see my Dr the other day, he is a mad man. . and he physically hit me, not hard, but in a way to say stand tall man. I am struggling with this because I honestly feel defeated and that isn't attractive.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

falconbridge said:


> I am perhaps old fashion and utterly believe in the commitment of marriage.


Nothing wrong with that. But it also means you don't let your wife date other guys while you are married. Having commitment doesn't mean you let your wife bang other guys. 

I can assure you those other guys want more from your wife than friendship. 

You are asking for books to read? WTF!!! You only need one site. This one. You found it and got your answer.

Good luck my friend. Don't leave this site. You are not done. The veterans here can help you out of this but YOU must be willing to make the effort.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I agree that women who don't have women friends are bad bets in general. The men they seek attention from can't trust them and the women they won't condescend to talk to don't like or trust them. Broad brush, I know, but my experience.

Anyway, your WW is making decisions for herself and you should be making decisions for yourself. Her decisions result in her walking all over you as she declares the right to be married and have boyfriends. Your decisions can include your refusal to live your life this way.


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## trapsoul (Apr 14, 2017)

she's telling you these things because she wants to do them with you. she enjoys them and she wishes you could enjoy them as well.

she has unfortunately allowed herself to cross some serious boundaries emotionally but when something similar happened in my marriage i was only craving his active attention and if i'd gotten that, every single outside element would have never even existed.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

You sound too reasonable.
I'll assume this bothers you emotionally, that's why you're here.
Show her your passion and jealousy ; I think most people really like knowing that their mate is possessive of them.
Shrugging this type of behavior off, with a "whatever you wanna do sweetheart " type attitude, can make a woman (or man??), feel like you don't matter to them..
Her proposed plans with her "friends" are over the top ridiculous- -- photo shoot at romantic location, my ass.
That said, I had a male work friend that I socialized with, only when my boyfriend (now husband) , acted all nonchalant about our relationship and how long term it was going to be.
Mark your turf.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

falconbridge said:


> You are all right. I feel like the most stupid person in the world, it is all in front of me. My self esteem levels are low, but you know there are two sides to every story. I am sure there are loads of things I could have done better or done wrong and I sincerely want to understand them because I believe self reflection is a big part of where growth comes from. Maybe this very attitude is my failing.
> 
> I am perhaps old fashion and utterly believe in the commitment of marriage.
> 
> I went to see my Dr the other day, he is a mad man. . and he physically hit me, not hard, but in a way to say stand tall man. I am struggling with this because I honestly feel defeated and that isn't attractive.


Maybe you should think back to your childhood and is that where the low self esteem began. I suspect that you're codependent, and that your wife feeds into that low self esteem, that familiar place from your past. Usually, we become codependent because of something from our past that triggers it in our romantic relationships. Your wife sounds very self centered, and I doubt she'll change her ways. The problem doesn't really lie with her, but that you allow yourself to be treated the way she treats you. I'd focus on why that is, and then...you'll be able to stand up to her, and you might come away realizing that this marriage is toxic, and not a good fit for you. But, you have to work on yourself, first, and figuring out why you lack self esteem. Best wishes on your journey, and hugs.


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## mrsluvmyhub (Nov 28, 2016)

There is absolutely ZERO reason for your wife to do ANYTHING with another man by themselves. It is totally NOT OKAY. Even if intentions are good, people can cross boundaries and develop inappropriate closeness.

Anything can be done in a group of friends, not one on one. Make your wife understand this. Do fun things with her. Take her to counselling if she doesn't understand how inappropriate this is!! She is out of line!


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## AnnLilles (Apr 25, 2017)

It looks to me like she wants to do these things with you, otherwise she wouldn't say anything and just do it...


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## Sunny3 (Apr 25, 2017)

falconbridge said:


> Hi,
> 
> I am seeking a female perspective. My wife said I need to appreciate while we are married I am not her best friend. It seems that role is filled by a male colleague (who has young children and is in an unhappy marriage). Thanks to social networking they are in constant communications 24x7 and feels like a constant 3rd wheel in our relationship and has done for a few years but I never said anything because due to work issues I thought having a support network at work was a good thing. She also said to me she was speaking to another guy today who she knows over the phone and on Facebook but has never met but shares a common interest. He said he would love to do some night photography with her one evening (at what can only be described as a romantic spot). She said to me she hates the fact she would feel guilty at doing it due to what I would think and a lack of trust.
> 
> ...


Hey, obviously I am a female! Tell her how you feel about your closeness. What I mean by that is it sounds like you would want to be her friend, not because of the threat however the distance. She may have a problem with closeness that you may need to work on. In the movie phenomenon the doctor asks a young man what his girlfriend's chairs are. Meaning what does she like that are not just common interests? What does she live for that society hasn't brought completely down? What does her smile hide about what makes her happy? When you approach the subject of this threat as I like to call the other dude, tell her that it's not all about jealousy because it's clearly not. Explain to her that it comes from an angle that you would like to fill. It after all is your right to want that. Heck I would kill for that! Maybe not kill, but you see my point!

Sent from my SM-J320R4 using Tapatalk


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## falconbridge (Feb 8, 2017)

Thanks everyone for the comments, this whole saga has been the biggest obstacle I have ever faced in my life. I had no idea the level of pain and anguish that could result from the breakdown of a relationship. 

Still as of today it's too late, the legal people have been engaged as a part of divorce/property settlement.

I have been pretty lucky in there are no children involved, and I have the support of an awesome doctor, counsellor and boss, still it's a rough road. 

Thanks again to all.


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