# Respect in Marriage



## reservedQC

DH and I have had trouble on and off for years. We separated in early 2013 but got back together and found myself pregnant (this after 4 pregnancy losses and infertility treatment). 

Anyway, things escalated a couple of months ago when we got into a big fight where I called him "ungrateful". Long story short, much of our arguments over the years contextually cover the following: 

- I don't respect him
- I don't show him value for his contributions
- I don't understand how fortunate I am
- He can't seem to make me happy 
- I don't know how lucky I am to have him because other people would be thrilled to have him
- Not enough sex (*Sorry guys, two kids in the span of 3 years plus breastfeeding for 12 months each and then pregnant for 10 months each pregnancy is really a mojo killer)

I change to accommodate what I THINK he wants, but he says I don't LISTEN to him and that I'm such an unhappy person. So we go in these cyclical arguments that end horribly. Most of these arguments were usually made worse because he drank excessively. I mean, border line wasted kinda arguments. We don't fight now because he's not drinking (good for him), but he has a lot of anger. 

I am by nature reserved and an introvert. I am not funny at all. I'm always serious and my idea of humor is sarcasm. I temper my emotions regularly because it's just the way I'm wired I guess? 

He is a great father. An awesome provider. He is strong. Keeps himself fit. Funny. But we fight and it's obvious over the course of the last couple of months (and years, really), we're in serious trouble. I've been waiting for the shoe to drop for years, but I thought that we'd make it through with some patience and gumption. 

I am seeing a therapist myself and we're in MC trying to figure out life. We have two children, so my preference is that our family stay together. I don't hate him. Still love him, though there are days, I can't see straight. He's neither sure whether he loves me or not. It's a mess. 

Anyway, in the meantime, while trying to get my head sorted out, I find out that he had an "affair" with a 29-year-old. No sex apparently. But he met here about 5-6 times in the course of 6-8 weeks, there was some physical interaction (I don't know details; he refuses to give them; I guess they don't matter?), but he assured me that that it was done. He ended it because I'm pregnant again (kid #3 that neither of us planned on). Otherwise, it would have escalated to sex. I believed him when he said it was done. I asked him to "unfriend" this woman on FB but he said he wouldn't initially because he wanted to stay friends. I finally wrote the woman and asked her to give us our space because we needed to be able to focus on our marriage and that we owed it to our children to be successful. He did unfriend her, but I found out yesterday, that despite unfriending her, he actually communicated with her on messenger after unfriending her. I did lose my temper. It wasn't pretty. There has been past flirtations with other women over text or email, but I've never taken them seriously. 

I guess my question here is: for those of you in solid and successful marriages - (i.) How do you show respect for your husband in a way that makes sense to him? and (ii.) Should I make a big deal about the communication with this other woman (or not). I'm not a jealous person by nature, but I also realize that I can't have a third party interfering in this and I refuse to worry about what he's doing on Facebook. 

I realize marriage success depends on the both of us. So it takes two and we had some foundational issues that made being together difficult. But we loved each other, and even when we fought, we always found a way back. This time, I'm not very confident.


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## WorkingOnMe

If you don't validate or affirm him yourself, he'll naturally find others that will. It's a basic human need. 

To be honest it sounds like you don't love him. Why do you stay? For the kids? For financial support?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

If he met with her, they had sex. Assume it was a physical affair. 

A lot of times people who have had affairs blame the partner for it. 
Some of it may be true but it doesn't excuse what he did. 

Your post might get more responses in coping with infedelity or general forums.


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## TJW

reservedQC said:


> How do you show respect for your husband in a way that makes sense to him?


Better answers will be given by the ladies - if their husbands actually feel respected by their wives. I would be very surprised to learn that any large plurality of them do.
Mostly, the men I know feel quite disrespected.

The "big three" are actually stated quite well by your own husband, and you're hearing it from the "horse's mouth":



reservedQC said:


> I don't show him value for his contributions
> He can't seem to make me happy
> Not enough sex



Men want significance. The person in their lives who provides most of their significance is their wives. Being his wife's "hero" is probably the most important accomplishment on a man's agenda. These three "problems" that your husband has stated are the three main ways your husband judges himself upon his progress toward the accomplishment of significance.


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## farsidejunky

Make no mistake, this relationship was consummated.

Additionally, as long as contact continues, the affair is still on.


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## FeministInPink

I don't think he's really committed to fixing the marriage work at this point. 

A) His litany of complaints suggests that he's trying to get you to take on all the blame for the problems in your marriage. It doesn't sound like he's taking responsibility for his role in the breakdown of your relationship.

B) If you're (singular and plural) are going to recover from and move past this affair, then he needs to be completely transparent with you and tell you everything about the affair, and agree to cut off all contact with this woman. He isn't willing to do that, so he's not invested in fixing the marriage, because he's not done with the affair. And if he's refusing to tell you everything, it was physical. He's lying to you, and he's trying to keep her in his life. You need to bring this up at your next MC session, definitely.

What's his primary love language? It looks like he is looking for words of affirmation. TBH, if he wants respect, he needs to EARN IT. Cheating on you and lying to you aren't going to earn your respect. Acting like a child and casting all the blame on you isn't going to earn your respect, either.

How do I show my partner respect? I'm not sure, honestly, only because showing my respect comes naturally when my partner does things to earn respect. I say thank you when he does big and little things for me. Literally, every time he opens a door for me, I say thank you. When he buys me dinner or even just a soda, I make a point to say thank you. And words of affirmation are key, but that's also one of my guy's love languages, so I make sure to do it. I make sure that he knows I am proud of him and the word that he does, and I support him both privately and publicly, and I do NOT EVER say disparaging things about him to other people, even if we're in the midst of a fight.


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## TJW

I wanted to clarify my post a bit. I tried to help with your question about men and respect. In no way do I condone his affair, nor do I intend to imply that you have any role in that.
Affairs are the total choice of the adulterer. 

And, I agree that those actions don't deserve respect. You and you alone can decide if you want to continue your marriage. But I'm also sure that these choices are only a part of his total service to you and your family. You can choose to continue to respect those actions which deserve it, and refuse to respect his sinful actions. I think this is the most restorative position to take, if you actually want to restore your marriage when the affair is over.


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## SimplyAmorous

TJW said:


> Men want significance. The person in their lives who provides most of their significance is their wives. Being his wife's "hero" is probably the most important accomplishment on a man's agenda. These three "problems" that your husband has stated are the three main ways your husband judges himself upon his progress toward the accomplishment of significance.


Beautiful... as I wife...I so agree with what you have written...

I wrote up something on "Respecting our Husbands" in this thread --
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ion-our-husbands-shake-up-rock-his-world.html ...



> *1. *
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ....There is a book entitled.." Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs ... that gets to the heart of this very valuable marital lesson...so much of this is in the little things we do daily....in how we look at him to how we respond...
> 
> One wife said "‘I think that basically, you can’t just be in love with a man. I think you have got to admire him and like him."
> 
> Just a handful...
> 
> *** When listening to him... be approachable, ask questions, show interest..even if you may not agree, try to understand his point of view...
> 
> *** Find out what  Domestic Support looks like to him & do the things that matter to him.
> 
> *** If things are a little stressful, ask if there is anything you can do for him...and do it.
> 
> *** Help him de-tox from his day by providing a quiet, calm environment for him to come home to.
> 
> *** Try not to get frustrated if he doesn't express his feelings well as you would..
> 
> *** Understand he may need some cave time or time with his friends.. allow him this..
> 
> *** Do not interrupt him in conversation, speak over him.. or finish his sentences...NEVER demean him in public, or in front of friends, co-workers, relatives.
> 
> *** When he has good insight, let him know, when he does something generous, acknowledge it, encourage him in his endeavors..
> 
> The respect we show for our husbands should be based on our desire to love them the way they need to be loved. It's recognizing what's important to THEM (whether or not we fully understand it). It's looking "not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others". ...otherwise it goes something like this *>> *
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ...if you click on this link.. Respect your Husband  ..you can read about the 3 cycles (Crazy, Energizing & Rewarded) ...
> 
> 101 Ways to Respect Your Husband
> 
> Disrespect borders "emasculating" our men ... When a man feels emasculated ..


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## Herschel

He cheated and really, both of you seem like you are done with each other. This poor baby you are bringing into this. It will only get worse for you two. Find a way to be amicable and separate. Not sure how, but it will likely be the happiest outcome for you (maybe after the kid is old enough for daycare). On a side note, I find it's good that you are in IC. This struck me..

"- Not enough sex (*Sorry guys, two kids in the span of 3 years plus breastfeeding for 12 months each and then pregnant for 10 months each pregnancy is really a mojo killer)"

I find that a majority of your explanation/justification doesn't really matter. Not to him, but to you. Someone who yearns for their spouse will want to have physical intimacy with them. You have been sick of him. Really, that's probably 90% of the reason why.


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## sokillme

TJW said:


> Men want significance. The person in their lives who provides most of their significance is their wives. Being his wife's "hero" is probably the most important accomplishment on a man's agenda. These three "problems" that your husband has stated are the three main ways your husband judges himself upon his progress toward the accomplishment of significance.


I have never heard this stated better. I think it is true. However, we have to earn it too. As you second post stated not sure if this guy did especially if he cheated.

OP, at this point you need to deal with the cheating first. That is not the primary wound in the relationship unfortunately, you don't even know the true extent yet.


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## aine

reservedQC said:


> DH and I have had trouble on and off for years. We separated in early 2013 but got back together and found myself pregnant (this after 4 pregnancy losses and infertility treatment).
> 
> Anyway, things escalated a couple of months ago when we got into a big fight where I called him "ungrateful". Long story short, much of our arguments over the years contextually cover the following:
> 
> - I don't respect him
> - I don't show him value for his contributions
> - I don't understand how fortunate I am
> - He can't seem to make me happy
> - I don't know how lucky I am to have him because other people would be thrilled to have him
> - Not enough sex (*Sorry guys, two kids in the span of 3 years plus breastfeeding for 12 months each and then pregnant for 10 months each pregnancy is really a mojo killer)
> 
> I change to accommodate what I THINK he wants, but he says I don't LISTEN to him and that I'm such an unhappy person. So we go in these cyclical arguments that end horribly. Most of these arguments were usually made worse because he drank excessively. I mean, border line wasted kinda arguments. We don't fight now because he's not drinking (good for him), but he has a lot of anger.
> 
> I am by nature reserved and an introvert. I am not funny at all. I'm always serious and my idea of humor is sarcasm. I temper my emotions regularly because it's just the way I'm wired I guess?
> 
> He is a great father. An awesome provider. He is strong. Keeps himself fit. Funny. But we fight and it's obvious over the course of the last couple of months (and years, really), we're in serious trouble. I've been waiting for the shoe to drop for years, but I thought that we'd make it through with some patience and gumption.
> 
> I am seeing a therapist myself and we're in MC trying to figure out life. We have two children, so my preference is that our family stay together. I don't hate him. Still love him, though there are days, I can't see straight. He's neither sure whether he loves me or not. It's a mess.
> 
> Anyway, in the meantime, while trying to get my head sorted out, I find out that he had an "affair" with a 29-year-old. No sex apparently. But he met here about 5-6 times in the course of 6-8 weeks, there was some physical interaction (I don't know details; he refuses to give them; I guess they don't matter?), but he assured me that that it was done. He ended it because I'm pregnant again (kid #3 that neither of us planned on). Otherwise, it would have escalated to sex. I believed him when he said it was done. I asked him to "unfriend" this woman on FB but he said he wouldn't initially because he wanted to stay friends. I finally wrote the woman and asked her to give us our space because we needed to be able to focus on our marriage and that we owed it to our children to be successful. He did unfriend her, but I found out yesterday, that despite unfriending her, he actually communicated with her on messenger after unfriending her. I did lose my temper. It wasn't pretty. There has been past flirtations with other women over text or email, but I've never taken them seriously.
> 
> I guess my question here is: for those of you in solid and successful marriages - (i.) How do you show respect for your husband in a way that makes sense to him? and (ii.) Should I make a big deal about the communication with this other woman (or not). I'm not a jealous person by nature, but I also realize that I can't have a third party interfering in this and I refuse to worry about what he's doing on Facebook.
> 
> I realize marriage success depends on the both of us. So it takes two and we had some foundational issues that made being together difficult. But we loved each other, and even when we fought, we always found a way back. This time, I'm not very confident.


1. Your WH is a cheater, bottom line
2. He is feeding you bull**** about your lack of respect, gives him an excuse to do what he does
3. His behaviour flirting, texting, having an A (which incidentally, did go physical, that is just another BS story he is giving you, none of his behaviour shows any respect for you, and I do not understand how you cannot see that.
4. Pregnant or not, kick him out now. Go see a lawyer and tell him if he wants a life with you, he gets into MC and you sort through your issues. I suspect he really is a POS who has fed you this story so long, you now believe it, you might be better off without him, tbh.

You cannot show respect to a drunkard, bottom line because that level of drinking it totally out of order and the drinker cannot see the wood from the trees, they make you the problem and do not see themselves as a problem. Drinking is only the sympton of something much deeper and its not you, its him. He sounds incredibly needy and a blame shifter, seeking something which he will be unable to find in others including you. He sounds like a needy sponge not an equal partner. I think he should be seeking help as well, he needs it.

Tell your family and friends, contact a lawyer and see what your options are. Your WH is not worth wasting your time on.


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## aine

WorkingOnMe said:


> If you don't validate or affirm him yourself, he'll naturally find others that will. It's a basic human need.
> 
> To be honest it sounds like you don't love him. Why do you stay? For the kids? For financial support?
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


His behaviour is not very respectful, no woman can respect a man who flirts, texts others etc. He has a nerve feeding her that bull****


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## aine

Herschel said:


> He cheated and really, both of you seem like you are done with each other. This poor baby you are bringing into this. It will only get worse for you two. Find a way to be amicable and separate. Not sure how, but it will likely be the happiest outcome for you (maybe after the kid is old enough for daycare). On a side note, I find it's good that you are in IC. This struck me..
> 
> "- Not enough sex (*Sorry guys, two kids in the span of 3 years plus breastfeeding for 12 months each and then pregnant for 10 months each pregnancy is really a mojo killer)"
> 
> I find that a majority of your explanation/justification doesn't really matter. Not to him, but to you. Someone who yearns for their spouse will want to have physical intimacy with them. You have been sick of him. Really, that's probably 90% of the reason why.


Your lack of understanding and empathy for a woman who has had 2 kids in 3 years is astounding. A decent human being, never mind a H would understand that, I am sure he doesn't help her out much but it appears he shifts on the blame onto her, yet he flirts, texts, has an A, he sure is a great catch, none of you seem to see that. In addition this man has been a heavy drinker for a long time, that does not make for a happy nor respectful marriage, you cannot respect a drunk and when they stop drinking all the damage they have done, doesn't mean respect immediately comes back, they have to earn it! You seem to have missed all of that information.


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## Herschel

aine said:


> Your lack of understanding and empathy for a woman who has had 2 kids in 3 years is astounding. A decent human being, never mind a H would understand that, I am sure he doesn't help her out much but it appears he shifts on the blame onto her, yet he flirts, texts, has an A, he sure is a great catch, none of you seem to see that. In addition this man has been a heavy drinker for a long time, that does not make for a happy nor respectful marriage, you cannot respect a drunk and when they stop drinking all the damage they have done, doesn't mean respect immediately comes back, they have to earn it! You seem to have missed all of that information.


Maybe you misunderstood my tone, cause it was late when I posted that and I didn't mean to imply it was her fault. I mean, I have no idea other than what she has told us. And that's fine. I get it that it's sometimes hard to get the juices flowing in her circumstances. However, I did incorporate what she told us regarding his drinking and all the awful things. That is why she is sick of him. It's tough to want to be intimate with someone you are sick of. How is that astounding?


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## aine

Herschel said:


> Maybe you misunderstood my tone, cause it was late when I posted that and I didn't mean to imply it was her fault. I mean, I have no idea other than what she has told us. And that's fine. I get it that it's sometimes hard to get the juices flowing in her circumstances. However, I did incorporate what she told us regarding his drinking and all the awful things. That is why she is sick of him. It's tough to want to be intimate with someone you are sick of. How is that astounding?


Hershel, I picked up on the latter half of your comment, maybe I was shooting from the hip, apologies.


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## reservedQC

Thank you all for your input. I'll move this thread elsewhere. 

I do love him. But as my therapist mentions (i.) loving someone doesn't equate to (ii.) satisfaction in marriage. Marriage takes two, and it also takes two for it to fail, most times. 

I don't condone the affair. He says it's done and that there is no further communication and that there was no sex. Do I know for sure? No. Do I want details? Yes. Will he give them to me? No. So I have to weight how much I care about the details and frankly, what's the point. I found out about the OW because of something he said that didn't sit right with me, which made me look at this FB account. So I found screen shots of those conversations and conversations he had with his friend about this woman. I mean, if you're going to have an affair, rule of thumb should be not to leave messages where your wife can find them. But all "jokes" aside, it blindsided me. I have told him that if he found happiness elsewhere (another woman), that I'd sign whatever paperwork he wanted. He took that as "permission" that I would agree to an "open" marriage. That's neither here nor there. I've agreed to never talk about this woman with him again as a way to move on. 

We have two children whom we both love very much. I feel that I owe it to them to try and make this work because they deserve both parents in a loving marriage. 

The drinking on his part typically comes when he's stressed. So if he was afraid of a job loss, he would worry and drinking took the edge off but it also magnified everything wrong in his life. He's cut back, but I'm not ignorant enough to know that this is just temporary. He won't get help for it and I can't change that for him. I suggested that I'd go to Al-Anon, and he was angry that I was even suggesting he was an alcoholic. 

Marriage counselor says that this is workable and that we can work through the foundational issues and that peopel come back from horrible situations. So I'm working on staying optimistic, which is hard to do in the first trimester of pregnancy coupled with morning sickness and hormones. 

I'm in IC for myself. It's a judgment free zone for me to vent and it's an opportunity for me to cope. I am on my own in this country, with no family in the area. DH is a problem-solver, but not good with empathy. So I've often internalized and carried weight on my own. Which, I realize is a bad thing in general. 

As for third child - No, it's horrible timing. I lost our first pregnancy in 2010 and then we went through 3 rounds of IUIs and IVFs separately because our first came along in 2013 naturally. Needless to say, I have been pregnant 7 times with 2 live births and now a 3rd (8th pregnancy) that we didn't plan for despite preventing. It's a horrible feeling because after wanting children so badly, here we are, with a 3rd on the way and it's the worst feeling ever. My therapist says it's normal to feel this way, but it's AWFUL to feel like this about a baby.

I won't apologize for sex and intimacy in the bedroom since it would take so much to explain why it was hard to have sex during pregnancy (high-risk pregnancy with recurrent pregnancy loss history), discomfort post pregnancy coupled by regular wake-ups at night and nursing for 12 -months with each kid (*They tell you to nurse because it's the best thing ever for baby, but no one tells you what it does to your body hormonally or otherwise). We were lucky if we had sex twice a week. It's better now that kid #2 is sleeping through the night and I'm not nursing. DH says I could be dealing with postpartum from our first, but who knows. I'm working on finding out though since I have family members (an aunt and some cousins) who have depression of some sort. 

No, not staying for financial support. I work in a professional setting and I'll be OK one way or the other. Sure, DH might have to deal with the division of assets, but I'm not in this for the money. Custody will be ugly. 

Anyway, it's just a bit much. I'm grateful for work because it keeps me busy. I'm less "stressed" at home at the moment. It's a day by day situation.


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## Anastasia6

Custody shouldn't be ugly with a drunkard. Does no one else know about it?


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## Deperatedwoman

Herschel said:


> He cheated and really, both of you seem like you are done with each other. This poor baby you are bringing into this. It will only get worse for you two. Find a way to be amicable and separate. Not sure how, but it will likely be the happiest outcome for you (maybe after the kid is old enough for daycare). On a side note, I find it's good that you are in IC. This struck me..
> 
> "- Not enough sex (*Sorry guys, two kids in the span of 3 years plus breastfeeding for 12 months each and then pregnant for 10 months each pregnancy is really a mojo killer)"
> 
> I find that a majority of your explanation/justification doesn't really matter. Not to him, but to you. Someone who yearns for their spouse will want to have physical intimacy with them. You have been sick of him. Really, that's probably 90% of the reason why.


Exactly!


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## *Deidre*

While marriage and relationships in general take effort, respect, understanding and patience, there comes a point when if you're not truly compatible, and really just roomies raising kids, you need to assess things. I don't think people should remain in horribly unhappy marriages, just to hang onto it. I hope you both can find true happiness, with or without each other.


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## Bobby5000

First, can you one of you get a reliable method of birth control! I think you two should work on some fun activities with the children. Read critical conversations, a good book at dealing with tough subjects, and Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Do you go to church together. 

I think you want to start with protected conversations where you both agree to work towards getting your marriage better. He seems sensitive (note in divorce there are a slew of advisors, lawyers, experts, counselors telling each client he is right as long as the money spigot is running). so try to work on this. It seems you listen to him and he needs to listen to you. I think he sees sex as a way of keeping score and when he checks, he is doing below average. I think you need to get him to understand your ability to provide love and affection in other ways.


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