# Why can't my house be cleaned?



## fOz (Aug 26, 2013)

Issue: CLEAN HOUSE??.

Back ground:
Together: 5 years
Kids: 2 (10 and 8)
Jobs: Me: Military, Wife: Stay at home home
Typical Day Me: Up at 5am don't get home to 5pm (working)
Typical Day Wife: Up at 6 am, gets the kids ready for school, takes them to school, goes to the gym, picks the kids up.
Ages: 29

I know I have handled this issue in the past very wrong. I would call my wife lazy and or half ass because she doesn't like to clean the house. My wife has told me in the beginning that she never wants to be like her mother, yet I look at her and see that is the exact person she is turning into.
However before I begin, I want to state that my house isn't dirty or filthy. But the house isn't up to my standards. I just know I wouldn't invite people over to my house the way it looked/looks. I would feel embarrassed, and my wife just don't see that. 

Recent Event(s): I'm home for two weeks for R&R before I have to return back to the desert for another 6 months. When I get to the airport I'm happier then ever cause I get to see my wife and kids for the first time in over 6 months. I get home, and the first thing I notice is 28 pairs of shoes laying all around the front door. Not neatly stacked or place, just thrown where ever. Not only is there 28 pairs of shoes, but dirty socks as well. We have a shoe rack at the door, and it wasn't really being used. I have no problem if my wife and kids wants 50 pairs of shoes, but the shoe rack only holds about 4-5 pairs of shoes per rack. I confronted my wife and said this is unsat, yet she looked at me and said he doesn't have an issue with it. I told my kids the same and had them clean up their shoes and socks. Asked them to place only 4-5 pairs of shoes there and take the rest to their room. I didn't ask my wife to do it, I figured she was an adult and didn't want make her feel like a kid. So I gave it two days, before I asked her to do them same. Of course she got defensive and told me I wasn't her father and she sees no issue with having 10+ shoes by the door. I told her it looks like your stuffing 10 pounds of **** in a 5 pound bag.
Next issue I had was the laundry. A few days before I came home my wife posted she wasn't motivated to do anymore laundry. When I got home, I noticed the baskets (2) of clean clothes that my wife talked about 2 days ago. I asked her why they haven't been folded and put away, she told me "i don't know". 
Following that, I went to use our guest bathroom, and had to throw something away. I noticed the trash can was pretty full and didn't have a trash bag. When I asked why there wasn't a bag in their my wife's response was " I don't know". I asked how can you not know, you are throwing stuff in there. To make things worst, when I went to empty it out and put a new trash bag in it, I found a dirty diaper. I asked her a few more times, how can you not put a trash bag in a trash can. Who does this? She response again was " I don't know". 
Now I go to put my kids to bed and noticed their bed room was a complete mess. My kids have a play room and a bed room, nothing is in the bed room but their furniture and clothes. I get in the room and there is crap everywhere. clothes all over the floor, trash under the bed, toys in the closets. I told the kids, when they get home from school the next day they would clean it. Once again I asked my wife how could you let their room get this way. Her response "I don't know, it's normally not like that" Of course I didn't believe her.
Now I get to our bed room, she has dirty and clean clothes laying all over the floor and bed, with hampers half full. I asked why can't you pick up after yourself. Once again her response was "I don't know." Of course there are bags in the room with what I call junk in it and when I ask her what it is, she tells me its stuff she put in a bag and just left it there, that she has't gotten to it yet. I've been home now for a week and the bag is still there. Then I go into the bathroom, and wow what do I see, ants all over the counters. I understand I live in FL, and these so called sugar ants come out, but I told her if you keep wet area's clean they won't be here. I mean there was tooth paste on the counter, she hair products all over the dual sinks, mouth wash on the counters. So of course the ants where having a field day. Then I go to empty the trash can, and what do I see??? More ants. I'm not sure when the trash can was last changed, but seeing all those ant's tells me it may have been awhile. 
Finally, I start cleaning some things and snooping around and I notice my wife puts **** everywhere, and there is no real organization. MY wife calls it organized chaos, yet she still can't find things. I found mail in 5 different locations, and asked why this is. Some things made sense like, my new credit cards, but a lot of the mail was useless and just placed where ever she could find a spot. 
I know my wife and I come from different family back grounds. I learned how to clean and how i THINK thinks should be done or cleaned from my mother. She cleaned houses all her life. So I base my cleaning habits from my mother. My wife on the other hand didn't live in that same environment, and wasn't shown how to do things or how to clean things the way I did. Growing up she didn't live in a clean house, and things weren't always clean and had a place. I feel she lives the way she grew up. and she doesn't see an issue with that. In the past she has expressed she was never shown how to do certain things, so I have showed her and told her this is how my mother showed me. 
9 times out of 10 when I say something to my wife she gets defensive and states its always your way or no way. I try and tell her if it was my way things would be much different then what they are. I have looked at the situation and made a compromise, but she doesn't see it that way at all since it isn't the way she runs the house.
I don't expect my house to be immaculate, but I do enjoy a clean neat house. Being in the military I learned at a young age to clean up after myself and know that there is a place of everything. So I expect my house to be clean and neat when I get home from work or even a deployment. I know I have told my wife since she doesn't have a job that the house is her job for now. She doesn't like my answer, but I feel its the truth. Now I'm not saying she should do all the work, oh HELL NO! I do my part as well, and help out all the time, but I don't want to pick up after my wife all the time. When my wife cooks, I clean the dishes, I of course do most of the yard work. Hell while I'm deployed my wife wanted me to hire someone to take care of the yard, and I did. I didn't want to, cause I have everything in the garage to do the job. But that is what my wife wanted. She is an adult and she SHOULD know her responsibilities. My wife thinks the house is clean and is acceptable. Then I asked her a question, would you like to have people that you care about over to your house looking the way it looked, she paused and couldn't give me an answer at first, then said "NO". I then stated, that is how I feel too, I would like my house to always be presentable. 
My wife hates when she feels like I act like her father and not her husband. I understand what she is talking about, but at the same time I feel I have to sometimes since when I hint it, or ask her she doesn't do it. So I have to. I don't like to, but I feel at times it is the only way I can get my point across.
This has been an on going battle for all 5 years, but I figured I would post the most recent events. 
My wife is a wonderful person, but I just feel she gets very lazy and or half-ass when it comes to having a clean house. She is a wonderful mother to our kids, and very supportive, and loving wife. But when it comes to this issue, she has "dropped the ball". I don't want a divorce or get rid of her. She is my world. And I feel as a couple we should be able to work out our issues together.
Once again my wife always feels that it has to be my way, and at times I do feel that way. When I ask her what is her way, she doesn't have an answer, she just gets mad at me and says "I don't know". I have little things I have issues with like the tooth paste lid not on, and the way the toilet paper should be put on the roller. But these are things I can correct myself and don't get too upset at. Maybe in the past I did, but now I just let it go and do it myself. 
Ok, I feel like I could go on and on about this, but I'm not. I know I may not have handled this situation(s) the right way in the past, and maybe this is why I'm asking for help/advice.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

fOz said:


> But the house isn't up to my standards.


Sounds like the Military talking. Perhaps she knows its not up to YOUR standard so maybe she just figures why bother?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My joke is trying to clean up after 3 kids is like shoveling in a snowstorm.

I'm a GREAT housekeeper, practically ocd about it and even I can't keep up with my kids. They can trash the place quicker than I can clean it up and making them help only minimally improves the situation.

I figure my house will be clean 'to my standards' when they move out.


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

Any chance she may be overwhelmed at being a mostly single parent? Her only full time job may be taking care of the kids and house, but doing that alone is depressing and can be overwhelming. Does she have a life other than taking care of the kids and waiting for her husband to come home?
Personally, just from my experiences I would guess depression. I don't give one crap about my house if I'm depressed. She may be in a huge life rut and you don't even realize it...untreated mild depression is not something that she'd ever come out of magically. If she's feeling overwhelmed at the situation and add lonely and doing it all alone most of the time, well it's no wonder. "I don't know" as a continued response is kind of a depressed red flag to me. 

And some of us are just crappy housekeepers to boot. LOL


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Last fall my husband had to leave town for 3 months for work. OH MY GOD did I let this place go. It was BAD. I just didn't care because I was so overwhelmed being on my own.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

The other thread you have, may be why she doesn't clean. I can't say I blame her. You might need some kind of anger management therapy. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/113346-im-verbally-abusive-spouse.html


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

When you are gone, she's essentially a single parent. I have two still at home, 10 and 12, and it's a struggle keeping things picked up.

Are your children fed, well cared for, their needs being met? 

Priorities, dude. Priorities.


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## fOz (Aug 26, 2013)

MY wife enjoys her phone. She is always on it, where its facebook, instagram, twitter. She talks to all of her friends, and family members. She even has lots of friends she visits while I'm gone. My wife has a life, and has a BA degree. 
I can understand if my wife has to take care of a baby, but she doesn't. 
I asked if she was depressed and she said at times she can be, but that isn't the reason the house isn't clean.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

"Over the last 5 years I have committed heinous acts of verbal abuse to my wife."

There you go......


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

If she doesn't want to take care of the house I would tell her to get job, her new income could pay for a house cleaner. I happen to be with you on this one. If you just put up as you go then you have no problem in the end. Also, I would make the kids more accountable for their own behavior. All kids should be taught to pick up after themselves.

Sorry the continued "I don't know" is a childish response to an adult question.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Tomara said:


> If she doesn't want to take care of the house I would tell her to get job, her new income could pay for a house cleaner. I happen to be with you on this one. If you just put up as you go then you have no problem in the end. Also, I would make the kids more accountable for their own behavior. All kids should be taught to pick up after themselves.
> 
> Sorry the continued "I don't know" is a childish response to an adult question.


Please read the link to his other thread provided, thats possibly why she wont clean the house. theres more going on here than a unclean house.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I read a joke the other day on facebook that said "Trying to clean a house with kids is like brushing your teeth with Oreos". LOL

I am going to side with hopelessromantic and suggest she is depressed, and it may be because you are verbally abusive and then she gets all this alone time with nobody loving on her. Put yourself in her shoes before you judge.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I read your other thread.

Your wife is threatening to leave and you are worried about a clean house???


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## fOz (Aug 26, 2013)

I understand me being a V.A. is a huge issue, however my wife has always been like this. Her previous marriage both her and her ex weren't the cleanest people in the world.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

I just saw the other thread about being verbally abusive so I've deleted my comments. I assumed the OP wasn't abusive but if that is the case then I can't help here.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

And "clean" is subjective...your standards ((military?) may not be hers. You say it's not filthly..well...so you can't eat off the floor...that's what plates are for.

Now, in your defense...as a SAHM...it does seem she could manage her time better (you need to get the kids on board, they are old enough to help out or at least control their own messiness) but again...if you are verbally abusing her, and if it's over a cluttered but not dirty house...I can't say I'd have much motivation to clean up to your standards either.

I work with a lot of ex-miitary, and every time we get a new manager/co-worker from the military, it's hell on earth before we get him/her trained in civilian workforce processes.


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## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

I agree, based on the other thread, I can see where the house may be a symptom of something else.

I have 3 kids and know exactly how hard it is. When my youngest was a toddler, I left H at home with the three of them while I ran errands. He was a wreck when I got back a few hours later! (Besides the phone calls asking when I'd be back.) Sometimes you don't get it until you're in the other person's shoes.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

For what it's worth, I understand your frustration. I'm a bit of a neat freak, and always have been that way. I taught my kids very early how to pick up after themselves and it made things easier for me in the long run. I have a son and daughter (grown now) and at age 10 they were doing their own laundry!

That said, it sounds like when you aren't home your wife is overwhelmed. You are the captain of the ship. When the captain is gone, she really is just barely hanging on until you come back and set things back in order. I'm not sure there's much you can do about it. Trying to manage a household from a distance is impossible. Equally impossible is convincing her that she can do more than she does in the house. She sounds like a person who is at her limit with just caring for the children. Allowing ants to run around is just... well negligent. IMO it's a strong sign that she's burned out or just doesn't know what to do.

Talking to her about this shuts her down. "I don't know" is a deflective response. Maybe hiring someone to come clean would help when you are away? It's an expense you don't want, but if the house being clean to your standards is important to you, she needs the help.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Tomara said:


> If she doesn't want to take care of the house I would tell her to get job, her new income could pay for a house cleaner. I happen to be with you on this one. If you just put up as you go then you have no problem in the end. Also, I would make the kids more accountable for their own behavior. All kids should be taught to pick up after themselves.
> 
> Sorry the continued "I don't know" is a childish response to an adult question.


There are locations where Military spouses have difficulty optaining a job.

If they live in Housing, the employer will know they are a military wife and a lot of times, refuse to hire them because of the constant moving.


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## fOz (Aug 26, 2013)

Thanks everyone for the information. If I ran my house like the military runs me, the house would be immaculate. I have made comprises for my wife on how things should go.

Example: Laundry
I want: one day do it all, fold it, put it away.
Wife: do a load here and there, don't fold them and leave in a basket.

My suggestion: Do a load when you want, just finish the task. 
Her response: Once again that is your way...

I know I'm not perfect, that is a given. 

BREAK

I have tried to teach our kids to clean up, but every time they leave for the summer or I have to deploy they go back to being messy again cause there is no "REAL" structure to guide them and make sure things are done. I know I didn't learn how to do everything overnight, it took time to train me. But when you don't keep up with it, your lose it.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

fOz said:


> Thanks everyone for the information. If I ran my house like the military runs me, the house would be immaculate. I have made comprises for my wife on how things should go.
> 
> Example: Laundry
> I want: one day do it all, fold it, put it away.
> ...


The answer to why can't your house be cleaned lies within your other thread in that you have a history of being verbally abusive. It all ties in.

Now take a good look at this thread, your initial complaint about the cleaning issue, and the fact (as stated in your previous thread) that you are only home for two weeks. As she probably sees it, instead of being focused on loving your family and accepting them and enjoying their company, you are being critical of her cleaning habits (or lack thereof) and you feel a need to dictate to her how to clean to meet your standards. Is "cleaning" really your issue with her at this time? Should it be?

Are your children not well fed and dressed in clean clothes? Are you assuming that your wife ignores their needs when you are not home? If you were to compliment your wife on what a great job she does with the children and the household and to actually show her that you love and respect her as a person, do you not feel that those sentiments might help give her confidence in her abilities to run the household? Or are you always "right"?

It's all about priorities and your ability to accept your wife as a human being without the verbal abuse (as stated in your other thread). She understandably lacks confidence when she is around you. "I don't know" means she is afraid to tell you the truth. She is hanging on to what little self-respect she has for herself by not being forthcoming with you. It's only for two weeks, she tells herself. No need to rock the boat. You will be gone soon and she can relax and breath again.

From the "been there - done that" department.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

I had/have the same issue. And it really does relate back to my time in the service as well. I finally was able to get relief from this particular stressor by asking myself this simple question:

Which is more important, a clean house or a loving spouse?

I came home one day after I had "thrown a fit" about the house not being clean. I, and my family, had cleaned after my fit. When I came home the next day, no one was there, but it was clean. It hit me like a ton of bricks at that moment: this is what I wanted, a clean house. But what good is a clean house if there is no one to share it with. 

That mess created by my kids is really more important than my kids? That mess that my W didn't clean up is worth me getting angry about? That mess that is causing me so much grief is really worth losing my wife and family over?

For me the answer is no.

Yes, there were other issues that were causing me grief, but a clean house ceased to be one of those issues that day.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I think you been told enough about everything else so I'm gonna suggest the Flylady website. It's a great starting point
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

It can't be clean because your wife doesn't want to clean it. This is her "push back" to your "controlling" attitude. Stop falling for it. Clean and organize the areas you HAVE to have organized so you won't go crazy. Let the rest go to hell (without argument or even a frown). Invite friends over. Wash, rinse, repeat.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Im in the military too, but the funny thing is we are kind of the opposite. My wife prefers a very clean house, and I am much more tolerant of clutter. 

People have different styles and usually there's no absolute right or wrong here, HOWEVER, there's no excuse putting trash and dirty diapers in a trash can without a bag, or letting ants run all over your counters. Your wife doesn't sound like she will be on the TV show Hoarders, but she is a little over the line. Similarly, you might be a little too far over the line in the other direction as well. 

And I disagree strongly with several people here - I'm willing to bet the messy house happened before the verbal abuse, not the other way around, so it doesn't stem from that. More importantly, *verbal abuse and/or depression isn't an excuse for a mother to let her children live in unsanitary conditions*. 

You seem to have two main issues in your life and strongly recommend couples counseling for them both.


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## evenstar (Jul 26, 2013)

Your wife is not in the military. Your kids are not in the military. Does your wife tell you how to do your job? 

You better figure out how to love and appreciate her for herself, or you'll find yourself as movealong said - with a nice clean EMPTY house.

I'm usually posting that wives need to respect their husbands - but that works both ways. She spends 6 months managing your whole family alone, and all you can do in the short time you're home is complain about a house that's not clean enough? Why would she ever want you to come home? What's in it for her? Just a man who makes her feel inadequate and never good enough. Yeah, I'd want to see that guy come home. When you interrogate her, I don't blame her for saying "I don't know" since what else is she supposed to say? Nothing else is safe to say.

Life is too short to stress over a less than perfectly clean house. She's not intentionally disrespecting you by not keeping "your" standards. She's just living a normal person's life. The more you make that not good enough, the messier your house will get, I guarantee it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Why can't my house be cleaned?*



Kobo said:


> It can't be clean because your wife doesn't want to clean it. This is her "push back" to your "controlling" attitude. Stop falling for it. Clean and organize the areas you HAVE to have organized so you won't go crazy. Let the rest go to hell (without argument or even a frown). Invite friends over. Wash, rinse, repeat.


I echo this sentiment exactly.

If you don't like the mess in "your" house it is your job to clean it.

Lead by example, and when you are not there let her deal with it the way she wishes, if she wanted guidance from you she'd ask you for it, you do not need to parent her.

And for everyone's sake don't abuse her for not being able to behave the way you want her to, you can't control the actions of others, only your reactions, and losing it on her only makes the whole thing stressful for yourself, her, and your children.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

accept it(that your wife is just a messy person ) and still love her with all your heart or move on and file for divorce.

no shame in either one. be true to thine own self. if you can't accept it then move on.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

fOz said:


> Example: Laundry
> I want: one day do it all, fold it, put it away.
> Wife: do a load here and there, don't fold them and leave in a basket.
> 
> ...


I'm a great wife seriously and you'd never be able to be married to me.

I bet I have 6 loads of clean laundry folded up on my floor as I type. :lol:

My husband overlooks it because he doesn't care. We love each other and it just doesn't matter.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

You can't teach a rhinocerous to sing opra.

The two of you have different standards. She's obviously afraid to say that she is fine with a messy house. 

The film crew for "Ice Cold Killers" was here interviewing me a few days ago. We didn't clean and couldn't have cared less. They were thrilled about having grizzly hides and snowshoes hanging on the walls and didn't care about the wood chips on the floor and 38 boots and shoes by the door. 

I really empathize with the women who have kids and try to keep a clean house. You don't have a husband that drives his snowmobile in the front door and takes engines apart in the living room. Just try to imagine living with that. :smthumbup:


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

I don't know you BUT this is what women complain about all the time 

As in most of us work full-time (as does hubby) and end up cleaning, cooking, taking care of kids etc.

Your fight with her is the equivalent of "why can't you put the toilet seat down"

Honestly? Focus on the good things, make sure she is not depressed. And don't call her lazy. It's not going to help.

You both need to give and take it seems like. You can't expect her to do everything you want (she is right, you are not her father or her boss) .

Do you honestly want your marriage to be over due to a shoe rack?


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I'm the neat freak in our house. It took me almost ten years to let go of any expectations that my husband would do it the "right" way. I can't nag, beg, or order H to have the same standards that I have. He does not care if our house is dirty or cluttered. I'm the one who cares so I am the one who cleans. I also do most of the outside work.

H grew up in what I would consider a filthy slum and just does not see any problem, for him our house is cleaner than anywhere he lived before. I can only control me, not anybody else. He will help if I ask, but he would never just start organizing or cleaning. 

I didn't want the bickering and resentment to continue so I had to lower my standards where I could, ask for help nicely when I really needed it, and come up with better solutions for messes that really bothered me. We now have some large baskets by the doors for people to kick their shoes into, the shoe racks never worked.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I was a neat freak before I had my 4 year old. It was either kill myself trying to keep my house spotless or let it go.. I chose to let it go.. I have one child right now with #2 on the way and even with only one it is hard to keep it clean.. Toys are everywhere, stuff gets spilled on the floor.. It is really hard to keep a house clean when you have 5 million other things you have to get done like making sure the kid/s don't kill themselves and such! 

Sometimes clean laundry will sit in the basket until i get around to putting it away for a couple of days or so. 

My husband doesn't complain, ever. It will get done when it gets done..


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Well I guess I'm the odd one out here.
I'm a neatness freak.
I hate a dirty or untidy house.
I like my sheets clean, my pillows clean, my towels clean ,even the air inside the house must smell clean.
I soap and wash my hands all the time.
Whenever I'm in a public building I try not to touch anything with my hands.
I can function in a dirty , confused environment outside, but I consider my home my castle , and disorder looks like noise to me. I like to relax and be comfortable at home.
Funny though, even before I relax, I need to shower.
But that's just me.

But I don't have to hassle my wife about cleaning.
She always does it.
If I see something that needs to be done , I just do it myself.

We are kind of similar in that way. She's not comfortable around disorder.
I do the laundry twice per week, I make sure the kitchen sink is clean & empty after cooking and after meals, I hate dirty dishes.
I clean the stove , refrigerator everything,[ and i'm good at it] She handles the rest of the house, and I never have to complain.[ Only when i cannot find my stuff!]


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

evenstar said:


> Your wife is not in the military. Your kids are not in the military. Does your wife tell you how to do your job?


One big difference. His wife doesn't live in his office/work area. In contrast, their home is a shared area, he lives there, and so he is allowed to have some say in how it is kept.



> _She spends 6 months managing your whole family alone, and all you can do in the short time you're home is complain about a house that's not clean enough? Why would she ever want you to come home? What's in it for her_?


Then let's flip that around. He spends 6 months in a hazardous and dusty environment, and she can't clean it up just for the day he comes home? That's probably part of his love language, and he sees it as her passive-aggressive message that she didn't even want him to come home.



bunny23 said:


> Your fight with her is the equivalent of "why can't you put the toilet seat down"


28 pairs of shoes on the floor, dirty diapers in the bare trash can, and an ant infestation. That is a far cry from leaving the toilet seat up. 



To the OP: one solution is to hire a maid just once a week. Just one day a week will make a big difference, and won't cost as much as you think. It will also give someone a desperately needed job in this economy.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

CM you don't have kids do you? 

My house was spotless before I had kids. Lol


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> CM you don't have kids do you?
> 
> My house was spotless before I had kids. Lol


Nope..
No kids!
Maybe if I had , I know things would have been different.
But I grew up in an environment where my both grandmothers were obsessed with cleanliness.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Nope..
> No kids!
> Maybe if I had , I know things would have been different.
> But I grew up in an environment where my both grandmothers were obsessed with cleanliness.


I used to be obsessed about cleaning too. Lol


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Why can't my house be cleaned?*



Caribbean Man said:


> Nope..
> No kids!
> Maybe if I had , I know things would have been different.
> But I grew up in an environment where my both grandmothers were obsessed with cleanliness.


One of my best female friends grew up with a mother who was also obsessed with cleanliness and raised her with that expectation. Well, along with that she also unfortunately instilled serious control and self image problems, a wonderful woman that has such low self esteem that she feels the only way to get or give love is to clean.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I also used to clean hotel rooms for a living and I loved it.. My rooms were always very clean, you could eat off the floor (my house was the same way). 

Granted my house isn't filthy by any means, it is clean but not by a neat freaks standards =)


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Well since in your other thread you mentioned how you were very verbally abusive to your wife, 
I suppose that's why she doesn't clean, she might be scared and have just given up. I hope you seek help
for your anger and verbal abuse. Your wife may need to seek help as well. She's probably been emotionally
damaged by your words. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Caribbean Man said:


> Well I guess I'm the odd one out here.
> I'm a neatness freak.
> I hate a dirty or untidy house.
> I like my sheets clean, my pillows clean, my towels clean ,even the air inside the house must smell clean.
> ...



Me too but the point is his wife isn't and he won't be able to get her to his standard with reasoning.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

The phrase "clean enough to be healthy, dirty enough to be happy " comes to mind. You don't share the same standards. You admit it's not dirty or filthy. She should make an effort but if its still not to your standards you going to have to take control of the things that really bother you yourself. Being gone as often as you are she must be pretty comfortable with things as they are and it's like a shock to her system when you do come home with all your demands and changes you want to make. In all fairness, she is running things without you the majority of the time. Is
tthis really how you want to spend your time with her and your family when you are home? I would think the priority would be enjoying each other not criticizing what "isn't right" when you haven't even lived there for 6 or so months.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

I just saw your other thread and some of the other posts here.... Your wife doesn't care about the house or pleasing you because of the way you treat her and talk to her. You admit you are verbally abusive. I am sure this is just one of many areas where you criticize and belittle so what do you really expect from her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

We have a combination of woman who isn't "Little Suzy Homemaker" and a Drill instructor. I'm not poking fun but I remember my days in the Army and you bet, there was order and everything was **** and span. That's your life but you can't expect the same thing in your home with kid running around all over the place. Yes, your wife needs to be more motivated and clean the house but not to military standards. Try to find a happy medium and the only way is to talk it our rather than barking orders or hollering.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In your other thread you said that you now realize that you have been very verbally abusive and you have promised her that you will change.

Then in this thread you show that you are not changing.


You come home after 6 months and the first thing you do is get in her face about a pile of shoes and laundry.

While I agree that a clean house is important, your marriage and family are more important.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Stop talking to her like a child, and start talking to her like she's one of your superior officers. Not that she 'is", but you wouldn't talk to a superior officer like that....you would show more respect in your wording and be more tactful.

"Sir! I think it would be a good idea if we cleaned up the hazards by the door. Do you agree?......Yes?....OK troops! Major wants this cleaned up! It's our duty to make this area clean! Get to it boys!"


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

My take it is if she's a stay at home wife piles of clothes and shoes all over the place, full trash cans no bags, toothpaste and hair all over the bathroom and ants in the house due to the dirt ( wow ) IS NOT acceptable. Kids and all. Requiring these things doesn't mean living military style. It means common sense.

Haven't read your other thread, giving opinion only about the mess issue.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Yeah, the whole cleaning the house with kids thing is tough. I think back to when I was growing up in a house with two brothers and a sister. My parents managed to keep the house pretty clean BUT I think my mom spent the majority of my childhood screaming at the top of her lungs and threatening us with bodily harm (sometimes following through) in order to do it. Without kids, my mom's house is immaculate and incredibly organized. I love a clean house and if it was just me, my place would be immaculate ... but I don't want either me or my wife to turn into my mom in order to do it.

That said ... I do have a problem in that my wife does not clean unless things are so terrible that even she can't stand it. That puts a lot more pressure on me. She came from a household that did not consider that important. She doesn't want to have a cleaning schedule. My view has traditionally been, get your stuff done and do it consistently and have fun when your done, it isn't that hard ... her view is ... ok, I'll take responsibility for the fun part, you can worry about the rest. Her mom has been living by herself for 20 years and still can't figure out how to maintain a clean house .... and really doesn't care.

... oh, and my mom is former military too.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

This sounds so familiar to me.

My father is an ex army officer and my mother was not the tidiest person in the world and “clutter” was always a bone of contention in our house as I was growing up.

Do not get me wrong our house was not dirty it was just “messy” things would not be put away as soon as they could have been or were not put were they should go and it would wind my dad up. 

I then did ten years in the navy and from my first leave onwards realized what had been annoying him. Luckily I did not marry until after I had left the navy so my wife and I did not have to deal with the months / years of enforced separation that military life can entail but I know that to this day the clutter / mess of a busy family home does go against the grain for me.

I have had to learn that at home (unlike in the military) people’s lives do not depend on everything being in its rightful place and that failure to maintain your kit is not a chargeable offence. 
I have come to except that if my daughters have been baking then the kitchen will look like an explosion in a flour factory for a couple of hours or that coming home to find our bed cover two foot deep in piles of clean laundry waiting to be folded and put away is normal.

I do what I can to maintain order; my tools are cleaned and replaced in the box or on the shadow board after every use. I line up the shoes in pairs on the shoe rack and when I polish mine I do everybody else’s as well. Sometimes my wife gets frustrated by attempts to enforce some order but she it glad of it when it comes to packing for the holiday or loading the minivan for a trip away.

I did find it hard to adjust from a military life to a civilian one and can only imagine how much harder it is to swap between the two on a regular basis. Going from an environment where “barking orders” and expecting “instant obedience” is not just normal but essential to one where things are best achieved by compromise and consensus would be a strain on everybody.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Maybe OP your wife is becoming her mother and you are becoming your father.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

OP,
There are many positives to being organized, and yes your children could learn some of those skills.

I read this thread, and like a few before it, it made me think of my childhood.

Even though I was in foster care, my foster parents were the ones I knew. My dad worked away a lot. My mom was very clean, and neat. And loud about it when things were not perfect.

If I think about my childhood memories:
-My mom getting upset about:
-shoes not lined up
-leaving toys around (we had to "ask" if we could take out the lego for example)
-her yelling a lot
-her making us clean to the point of feeling like we were "dirty" all the time
-not wanting to have a bath because she would be mad about the water and mess

Don't remember her ever playing with me. Not once. She was always cleaning and fussing. She didn't work.

My dad.. when he came home, he was the one that played. He was fun. He was neat, too. Because she yelled at him if he wasn't.

Anyways. What do your kids think of you? In the short time you get to see them? 

Balance.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

I for one, am HORRIBLE about laundry. I will wash it, dry it, and leave it folded in a basket. Drove the husband insane for awhile. Then I explained that to him that I don't have a problem doing the laundry, but I really hated putting it all away. I don't know why, I just do! So it was agreed that I would do the laundry and he would put it away. It still stayed in the basket. Apparently he hates putting it away too. One day, I brought in a basket to put some away because I DO want to make him happy and he started helping. We weren't really talking about anything, just hanging up shirts together and it is one of my favorite memories of our time together. Weird huh? Now it has become one of those unspoken "things". It stays in the basket until one of us starts putting it away and then the other person jumps in to help. 

As for the rest of your house OP, I'm on your side but with an aggravating factor. I couldn't imagine keeping my house military clean every day, especially with children around, but... if I knew it was an issue for my H, and he's gone for months on end, I would definitely make it sparkle for his home coming and keep it neat while he was home. If she wants to be a slob while you are gone, so be it. But she should be putting in the effort to make you comfortable while you are home. 
With that said, she does sound depressed and should seek therapy.


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

I just re-evaluated my ideas about cleanness and will pay more attention to being neat, because I realised why it is important for my husband. Things like this happen 

In your other post you mentioned you also yell at your wife. I think that few women if any like to be yelled at and ordered around.
A better idea would be to explain to her why you think X should be cleaned / ordered / polished the Y way.

Like "Honey. I noticed that our X is not in the Y place where it should be. See, my reasons for wanting the X always in the Y place are XYZ. Also you might not know, but but cleanness means a lot for me because of XYZ personal reason. So could you always do XYZ? That would mean a lot to me.
... Oh, and sorry I ordered you around. I am pretty much used to giving orders and did not realise you do not like it".

By the way I noticed you said "my house" not "our house". May be the woman does not like it when you tell her it is YOUR house.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You need to learn that your stripes disappear the minute that you enter your quarters there Sergeant. She is your wife and they are your children, not your troops. You have created a parent child relationship with your wife and now she has become a rebellious child (in your opinion). The more you yell and scream the worse that this gets. Also if you are doing this in front of your children, you flat WRONG and need to stop. You aren't the commander of troops you are suppose to be the loving father of a family and it sounds like you are not doing very well, according to what you have written so far.

As a military man you understand leadership. Leadership has been described as “a process of social influence in which one person can enlist the aid and support of others in the accomplishment of a common task". What leadership is not is standing in front of a bunch of people yelling and screaming. If you are in the military and people out rank you and yell and scream at you, you may have to do what they tell you, but folks will not respect you or do anything but the bare essentials. How is the best way to get respect? To give respect to others. 

Remember in Basic Training how the Drill Sergeant tore you down as an individual. However, he then started building the unit up collectively to work together. You have torn the group down individually, not build them back up. But go even further, this isn't an Army Platoon, this is your wife and children. Be the loving father that they need, LEAD by example, not by barking orders.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> I have little things I have issues with like the tooth paste lid not on, and the way the toilet paper should be put on the roller. But these are things I can correct myself and don't get too upset at. Maybe in the past I did, but now I just let it go and do it myself.


Maybe in the past you got upset? And were you verbally abusive about the small things as well? Because if so, I'm thinking she's developed a well entrenched case of "why bother."


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## agreenbough (Oct 1, 2012)

My mother had four kids and our house was spotless. All Mom did was cook and clean. I admire her for what a good mom and housekeeper she was. 

But you know what? Cleaning is not only a thankless job, it's boring as hell. I know where all the cobwebs in my house are, and I'll get to them, eventually. I'm not oblivious. I know where the cleaning needs to be done. But there's something very unfulfilling about spending a large amount of time doing cleaning that goes unnoticed for the most part, turning your back, and when you turn back around, the stuff you just cleaned needs to be cleaned again. It's like chasing your tail. I don't think anyone in my family besides me has ever wiped a countertop. It's like they can't see the mess.

I admit I'm a crappy housekeeper, because I hate cleaning. But there are never dirty dishes in the sink, the laundry is done and put away, and I vacuum and clean the bathrooms every so often. If my husband is all bent out of shape about the things that don't get done, HE can do them. If he were to yell at me about my lack of initiative when it comes to cleaning, it would probably have the opposite effect of what he intended. 

If you know you can never live up to someone's standards, you lose interest in trying.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

2 Kids and 28 pairs of shoes?

Take your kids over to the pile, sit them down and have them try on the shoes. You can probably donate and pitch half of them that are too small or destroyed. If you have winter boots and summer sandals, put the "off season" footwear in a crate and stow it somewhere.

I agree with Lon who said YOU do what is important to you and let the rest go. And I agree with whoever said to hire a housekeeper. In your case you can spring for $100 deep cleaning the day before you come home from your long deployments. With 6 month deployments, $200 a year solves this problem! The bathroom will be clean and there will be garbage bags in the cans (assuming you have them available for the housekeeper). YOU set this up. Don't put it on your wife. Just inform her so she can let the housekeeper in and make sure there are cleaning supplies available.

Ants are not from dirt. A little sugar in a garbage can will attract them. Do an experiment. Put out some sugar and see how fast ants arrive. Hiring an exterminator or getting the little ant baits might help. At least it's not roaches or bedbugs- ewwww (or crabs- God forbid!)


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Good that you live in military housing or she would have a lot to complain about @ home and yard maintenance with you gone for 6 month stretches.

TBH I think you are in grave danger of losing her and you better start looking at the forest instead of being anal about a tree.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Sounds like two issues not one.
1) She doesn't do much
2) He has no idea how to schmooze her and instead barks orders.

The answer is simple.
She gets a FT job. That degree is going to waste.

OP what is the degree?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

weightlifter said:


> Sounds like two issues not one.
> 1) She doesn't do much
> 2) He has no idea how to schmooze her and instead barks orders.
> 
> ...


Considering she's a single mom for part of the time, I think that's a dangerous path to start down... 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

PBear said:


> Considering she's a single mom for part of the time, I think that's a dangerous path to start down...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It doesnt mean she is going to cheat! Lots of people work and dont cheat!  However it MAY provide her with income to leave, if the verbal abuse continues. Having said that, I dont agree with someone who stays home all day every day with school age kids NOT keeping the house clean.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

3Xnocharm said:


> It doesnt mean she is going to cheat! Lots of people work and dont cheat!  However it MAY provide her with income to leave, if the verbal abuse continues. Having said that, I dont agree with someone who stays home all day every day with school age kids NOT keeping the house clean.


Who said anything about her cheating? I was thinking that if I was a "mostly single SAHM" and my spouse told me to get a job, my response would be "as soon as I'm not a 24/7 parent, I'll be happy to get a 9-5 job!"

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

FrenchFry said:


> Or the response a verbally abused person gives out when they are trying to avoid the wrath of an abuser.



:iagree:


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