# Dating before divorce finalized



## delupt (Dec 1, 2014)

My divorce date is finally set (October) after 3 years of failing to salvage some kind of relationship from the BS we had created. I never cheated despite long-term sexless marriage and despite years of regular affair accusations from a very high-conflict partner.

But I've had enough now. I've mourned the marriage, and feel good about the divorce (the 2 boys do too, they'll be living with me). I intended to leave the marriage with my dignity in tact (i.e. no shagging on the side), but we're separated despite still living in the same house (I'm forced to find a house-rental for me & boys until judge forces STBXW to sell house in Oct).

So, is dating while separated 'cheating'? I'm not about bringing dates home to meet the kids (or the STBXW!), but dating, and of course, maybe sex. 

Am I too desperate to get beck into it? Maybe common for some divorcees? I just cannot resist trying out a few dates and getting on with my life. Some fun, niceness, joking, giggles, etc.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So the divorce has been filed, right? By set do you mean that it will be final in October?

First check the laws where you live. In some places, dating and having sex before the divorce is final, is still adultery because you are still married. In places that have this law, if he found out that you were having sex, he might be able to ask the court for a re-do on the divorce. Often times that means that he would get a better settlement than you would. Be careful. Make sure you know the laws about this.

Even if dating will not affect your divorce, be careful. It can turn people against you to include you kids who might just be freaked out about it.

When are you going to get your own place? Do not date while you are living in the same house with your husband. He'll figure it out. Plus what are you going to tell a guy on a date? That you are getting a divorce, still living with your husband but you want to date and have sex? Not many quality men would be interested in that kind of setup. 

You are most likely not ready emotionally either. It takes a while to get emotionally ok after a divorce. Give yourself some time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

oko said:


> EleGirl said:
> 
> 
> > First check the laws where you live. In some places, dating and having sex before the divorce is final, is still adultery because you are still married. In places that have this law, if he found out that you were having sex, he might be able to ask the court for a re-do on the divorce. Often times that means that he would get a better settlement than you would. Be careful. Make sure you know the laws about this.
> ...


Well that settle's that. 

Except..... there can be a twist, again dependent on local laws...

I know that in a couple of states, a no-fault divorce can be turned into a fault divorce if one of the spouse 'cheats' during the divorce process.

Just want to make sure that the OP is aware of little twists like that which can bite a person in the arse.


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## delupt (Dec 1, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Just want to make sure that the OP is aware of little twists like that which can bite a person in the arse.


Fair point EleGirl, I had not really considered that angle. I will check with my lawyer. 

My wife (I'm the H!) has been delaying the process for a long time and she is not 100% behind the divorce despite repeatedly (50+ times, not just occasional outbursts) demanding we divorce over the last 3 years. October will be 'D-Day', unless she prevaricates more which will push it into next year.


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## delupt (Dec 1, 2014)

Okay, here's my lawyer's opinion on this, fresh from the rodent's mouth: 

As we're going 'no fault', if STBXW has some proof of another woman she could cite adultery so no longer 'no fault' and then she can block the divorce date in October and drag it out for another year and extract more money.

To be honest, I'm more concerned she'll pull the domestic-abuse-victim card rather than the wronged-woman card. She's made a few threats about calling the police with (false) allegations which I take very very seriously (hence the urgency to move out).

Okay, so you lucky ladies will have to wait for another few months ... ;-))

EleGirl - thanks again for wisely stating the obvious, I'm not clear of the fog yet. The sight of some light at the end of the tunnel got me too previous.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Once the relationship is over, you are no longer cheating. Legality or status does not count in my book but some states might differ. Of course, some spouse drag out the divorce process for years just to stall.

I have read stories where some do not divorce and just date other people until the children grow up because they cannot afford the divorce. They simply have no intention of getting back together.

So shag away, but be careful of rug burns.


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## Liam83011 (Jul 1, 2015)

There is actually another thread on here where a H posts that he saw some texts on his wife's phone-- she initiated divorce back in march. 

And just about EVERYONE is calling her a cheater and POS, etc. etc. etc. (even though there is literally NO evidence that she is even dating this guy); telling him to confront, expose, etc. 

My take is, the relationship is over, you are free.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It's just as well. Who's going to want to get involved with a cluster like this, with an angry wife still fighting the divorce? Bringing another woman around is unfair to new woman and will cause more ex drama.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Liam83011 (Jul 1, 2015)

I think it's only unfair to the woman if he isn't up front with her. If she knows and still chooses to spend time with him, then she has decided it's fair. 

Personally, if there is someone you like and want to get to know, I would go for it, but just focus on FUN and other than an explanation of the situation, would not be talking about the divorce at all. As a side effect, it may signal to the wife it's time to move on.


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## T2shay (Jun 30, 2015)

My divorce took a long time almost 2 years to finalize I dated after the separation but I was moved out. I do not think it is classified as cheating at all. I do respect that you would not bring a new person home or to meet your children. I do however recommend that if you do date, date alot of different type of people, that doesn't mean sleep with them, go out have fun and don't look for new love, it will find you when the time is right. I also do not think having children meet a new person in your life is good unless you are serious in the relationship.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Back to the legal angle, in the US, if you spend marital assets/money on someone you're dating before the divorce is final, your spouse can essentially sue you to pay that money back (or at least for their 50-50 share of it).

Legally or no, your STBXW sounds unstable and vindictive. I'd be very careful about dating until October, lest she go ballistic and delay things again just to spite you.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

As a woman whose ex was actively dating the OW while I was still living there, if your wife isn't as on board with this split as you are, and if you care at all about her feelings still, I would wait.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> Back to the legal angle, in the US, if you spend marital assets/money on someone you're dating before the divorce is final, your spouse can essentially sue you to pay that money back (or at least for their 50-50 share of it).
> 
> Legally or no, your STBXW sounds unstable and vindictive. I'd be very careful about dating until October, lest she go ballistic and delay things again just to spite you.


* Agreed!

What is remotely wrong with waiting until the courtroom gavel falls declaring your marriage over? ~ It makes absolutely no sense to take any legal calculated risks in the courtroom just because of raging hormones!*


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> What is remotely wrong with waiting until the courtroom gavel falls declaring your marriage over? ~ It makes absolutely no sense to take any legal calculated risks in the courtroom just because of raging hormones!


This is a situational issue.

My divorce took 6 years...I had been in an emotionless marriage for over 2 decades and had zero intention on wasting another moment of my time and starting dating immediately after legal separation...which took almost a year to get.

There are a lot of procedural issues which prevent one from moving on with life but if you're legally separated and, more importantly, emotionally ready to test the waters, it is fine to do that. You have zero moral obligation to wait for divorce finalization, you need to decide by yourself when you're ready...no one else's opinion matters. It has nothing to do with raging hormones, it has to do with the human need to have partnership and its perfectly healthy to want that.

One thing to be warned about there are a lot of sharks in the water....so go slow and really get to know someone before you jump in too far. I've had a lot of friends who've moved from a bad marriage into an hurtful dating situation during the divorce process and it just makes everything even tougher to deal with.

There's a lot of great guys out there but there's a lot of duds and sometimes it takes time to figure out who's who when you're out of practice.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Once the relationship is over, you are no longer cheating. Legality or status does not count in my book but some states might differ. Of course, some spouse drag out the divorce process for years just to stall.
> 
> I have read stories where some do not divorce and just date other people until the children grow up because they cannot afford the divorce. They simply have no intention of getting back together.
> 
> So shag away, but be careful of rug burns.


But is he HEALED and really CLEANSED of the broken marriage? If not, he might gravitate to someone opposite of his wife thinking he found "THE ONE" while only blind to all their issues..I'd chill and wait until you are more fully healed. And YES, you will know when you are more fully healed.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I take a different approach than many. I don't believe in dating until the divorce is final. It would feel like cheating to me even if it is completely justified. I believe in trying to live life in the way that makes you proud of who you are and what decisions you make, regardless of what other people have done to hurt you. If you have any thoughts that you might regret not waiting, then a few months really isn't a lot of time.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

October isn't far off, so it's not a big problem to wait a few months. If she starts dating, document it and either use it against her or you might do the same - you may nullify each other's actions.

I started dating within weeks of separating. My ex did too. It didn't matter to us if there were potential legal issues, since we weren't going to raise them (and I had some leverage over her if it became necessary). Seeing as the divorce took over 7 years (which wasn't at all expected!), I'm glad I didn't wait. Timing of when to start dating depends a lot on the circumstances and history leading up to splitting up.


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## Liam83011 (Jul 1, 2015)

Bananapeel said:


> I take a different approach than many. I don't believe in dating until the divorce is final. It would feel like cheating to me even if it is completely justified. I believe in trying to live life in the way that makes you proud of who you are and what decisions you make, regardless of what other people have done to hurt you. If you have any thoughts that you might regret not waiting, then a few months really isn't a lot of time.


See, that's fine for you, but the little dig, in effect judging others, is not necessary. 

If it's over, it's over. She left me and I do not feel ashamed at all for dating before it was final. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone, I was living my life. 

I think it's actually funny that you think being trampled over and sitting and taking it like a martyr, rather than having coffee or drinks and chatting with another woman, is something to be proud of. Victim card. Check.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

This is a normal response by people who are cheated on. There can never be any gray area or maybe the Marriage was a gray area and the cheating wasn't as unforeseen/bad as the betrayed would have u believe. Most times the betrayed even fantasized about cheating themselves.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Liam83011 said:


> See, that's fine for you, but the little dig, in effect judging others, is not necessary.
> 
> If it's over, it's over. She left me and I do not feel ashamed at all for dating before it was final. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone, I was living my life.
> 
> I think it's actually funny that you think being trampled over and sitting and taking it like a martyr, rather than having coffee or drinks and chatting with another woman, is something to be proud of. Victim card. Check.


Not a victim card, I just know who I am and what I believe in. I just don't believe in dating other people while I am still married. If I were to date when I didn't think it was morally right for me because she cheated then she has some power/control over my actions and she wins. If I do what I think is right regardless of what she did, then I am in control of my life and I win. I'll be damned if I let her change me in a way I don't want. I don't fault others for choosing a different path than me and it is probably a healthy choice for a lot of people. I wasn't judging, just giving an alternative perspective.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Dude, as you know, I was cheated on, and I told my STBX I would not hold it against him if he went to visit his out of state AP once we separated. IMO, he checked out of the marriage a couple years ago and was already gone. My keeping him or delaying him from seeing his new girlfriend once we separated wasn't going to serve any purpose other than adding more drama to an already drama-filled process.

So, not all betrayed spouses are incapable of grasping any grey areas. In fact, most of us here haven't forbidden our WSs from continuing to see their APs while we go through the process of divorce. I think the OP's spouse (not necessarily a BS) does not sound nearly as reasonable as I am/we are, and I'd be very careful if I were him.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

So, beanie baby(funny) was there ever anyone else you were slightly interested in during your long marriage? Just curious


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## Liam83011 (Jul 1, 2015)

Bananapeel said:


> Not a victim card, I just know who I am and what I believe in. I just don't believe in dating other people while I am still married. If I were to date when I didn't think it was morally right for me because she cheated then she has some power/control over my actions and she wins. If I do what I think is right regardless of what she did, then I am in control of my life and I win. I'll be damned if I let her change me in a way I don't want. I don't fault others for choosing a different path than me and it is probably a healthy choice for a lot of people. I wasn't judging, just giving an alternative perspective.


I will be honest, I do not understand how you or she 'wins' or doesn't 'win' if you meet someone you are interested in. Sounds like she still is pulling on your strings a bit if you are worried about her actions affecting what you do meaning she wins. Or however you put that. 

If you were really your own person and not affected by her actions/words/etc, there would be no she wins or I win. It would just be, and she wouldn't be in your realm at all.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

It's funny you say "interested in," Dude. My STBX used that term to describe the OW when I first found out about her and after, it turns out, he'd already fvcked her. "She's just someone I might be interested in." Just the first in a long line of many lies.

No, there was never anyone else I was interested in, in that sense or in the literal one, during my long marriage. There were a few different attractive, single men over many years out in the corporate world who hit on me, each at a work-related function or party. Until they did that, I hadn't even noticed them in any sense other than the usual coworker sense. After they did, it was slightly awkward for a little while because they realized I wasn't someone who was even going to entertain a flirtation with them, let alone cheat on my husband. I didn't shame them or anything - just politely said no, I'm sorry, but you know I'm married - but they were still embarrassed. I wore a wedding band and engagement ring all those years and spoke highly of my husband - his existence was no secret. A couple of them had even met him. But you add alcohol to an office party or get-together, and sometimes that's what you get.

No, there has never been anyone else I considered being with in all the years of my marriage.

You?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Liam83011 said:


> I will be honest, I do not understand how you or she 'wins' or doesn't 'win' if you meet someone you are interested in. Sounds like she still is pulling on your strings a bit if you are worried about her actions affecting what you do meaning she wins. Or however you put that.
> 
> If you were really your own person and not affected by her actions/words/etc, there would be no she wins or I win. It would just be, and she wouldn't be in your realm at all.


I like being in control of myself and choosing my actions irrespective of her. Quite honestly, she wouldn't care if I dated now, and I don't care if she does either. 

I don't think things can "just be" between us since we have talked and agreed to maintain a friendly relationship for the kids. It's a harder way to go for the adults, but better for the kids. 

To the OP - in general it is good advice to listen to yourself and follow your values. For some that means dating is OK and others (like myself) will choose to wait until everything is final. IMO waiting is the safer choice.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> It's funny you say "interested in," Dude. My STBX used that term to describe the OW when I first found out about her and after, it turns out, he'd already fvcked her. "She's just someone I might be interested in." Just the first in a long line of many lies.
> 
> No, there was never anyone else I was interested in, in that sense or in the literal one, during my long marriage. There were a few different attractive, single men over many years out in the corporate world who hit on me, each at a work-related function or party. Until they did that, I hadn't even noticed them in any sense other than the usual coworker sense. After they did, it was slightly awkward for a little while because they realized I wasn't someone who was even going to entertain a flirtation with them, let alone cheat on my husband. I didn't shame them or anything - just politely said no, I'm sorry, but you know I'm married - but they were still embarrassed. I wore a wedding band and engagement ring all those years and spoke highly of my husband - his existence was no secret. A couple of them had even met him. But you add alcohol to an office party or get-together, and sometimes that's what you get.
> 
> ...


Yes, probably quite a few over the years but I never acted on it. So I can see how devoted you were and how that would really be upsetting versus if you were "open" to it as well. I feel for you my friend. How much younger is she than him? Are they already broke up?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* All that I am trying to relate is that while a divorce is ongoing, your family court judge might just turn out to be one of those "holier than thou" ones who will take you to task, saying that if you are not divorced, then you are deemed by law to still be married until its final disposition! Another pointed question they might possibly ask of you is "what redeeming quality are you teaching your children by going out and dating someone else while still being legally married to your spouse?"

Before a certain family court judge who has had a squeaky clean reputation in their life and in their court, one could find themselves rather embarrassed if that info came out. 

Now I know that there are a select handful of judges who could absolutely give a rat's ass about what you do "date wise" while married ~ but there are also those who do care! 

Why roll the dice and take the chance?

If there is any equivocation on one's part, then simply ask the judge in a preliminary hearing if dating, while still being legally married, is OK. Better yet, ask your legal counsel who is representing you if it helps or hurts your case, or is of no consequence!*


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> Yes, probably quite a few over the years but I never acted on it. So I can see how devoted you were and how that would really be upsetting versus if you were "open" to it as well. I feel for you my friend. How much younger is she than him? Are they already broke up?


She is three years younger than he - actually older than I.

I'm 50. She's 53. He's 56.

To your point earlier about whether it's healthy to date so soon after separation/divorce: I realize the OP here has gone through a lengthy divorce and has been unhappy in his marriage and now his situation for some time, so I can understand his wanting to date.

For me, even if I wanted to date right now and had an "interesting" prospect, I wouldn't for my son's sake. But I don't want to, anyway. Then again, our process itself hasn't been that lengthy. He moved out in May, and he filed two days ago. It will be final within 60 days. Turnera here has said that therapists consider it healthy to wait one month after a divorce for every year married. That means I've got 2 years+ before I really should. Good thing I don't mind being alone.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

No. Don't do it. You've waited this long. Maintain a good example for your kids. When they look at the calendar and see you started dating before the divorce was final, they'll assume you were having an affair. Do you really want to get into the wordsmithing arguments where you explain how you "fell out of love" and "the relationship was over" so it was okay? 

Lots of people are going to assume you were having an affair if you start dating like this. Rather than thinking you started dating after proceedings started, they'll think you were cheating all along and are just now bringing it out to the open. 

And you'll have to convince these women you want to date how you're getting divorced so it's okay. What kind of women are going to go along with that? The kind who don't object to dating a married man.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Beanie I'm sure he will come
To his senses soon enough. Did u expose this to everyone including son?


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Yes, I did. Probably not as soon as I should have if I wanted to stop the affair. I thought I was trying to save my son from unnecessary drama. My brother had a long-term affair, and when he wife found out, she threw him and all his stuff literally out into the front yard. Told everyone they'd ever known all about it. Didn't save their marriage, either. I'm sure there's a happy medium.

My son knows there is an OW involved, but no details about her or any of it. I didn't rush to tell STBX's family at first, but I did let them know after a couple months, and they are on my side. His parents are now gone, like mine, but his sister and brother have been great friends of mine for years. They still are. They're mortified about what he's done, and the way he's gone about it. His sister was married for 10 years and is happily divorced - one of the few rare mutual divorces. His brother has been married for 20+ years and is a happy empty nester and step grandfather. His wife is appalled, too.

I could forgive him if he bothered to tell me even once that he was unhappy. But he never did - not until after he'd already started cheating with her.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Between us, don't be shocked if he comes back and/or if he is a good guy deep down contemplates suicide.(yes Wayward spouses do this more often than people want to admit) the Chem fog may lift and he's left w all destruction he's caused.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

delupt said:


> Okay, here's my lawyer's opinion on this, fresh from the rodent's mouth:
> 
> As we're going 'no fault', if STBXW has some proof of another woman she could cite adultery so no longer 'no fault' and then she can block the divorce date in October and drag it out for another year and extract more money.
> 
> ...


Thanks for getting back here and letting us know. That is what I was afraid of... that it could be used against you. 

My take is that your wife has been trying to push the divorce out, so she'll grab on to anything to get it moved out and get in control of things. I could be wrong... :nerd:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Liam83011 said:


> I think it's only unfair to the woman if he isn't up front with her. If she knows and still chooses to spend time with him, then she has decided it's fair.
> 
> Personally, if there is someone you like and want to get to know, I would go for it, but just focus on FUN and other than an explanation of the situation, would not be talking about the divorce at all. As a side effect, it may signal to the wife it's time to move on.


Yea, this reminds me of something that happened to me. I was seriously dating a guy who was getting a divorce. The papers were filed and it was only going to me a couple of months before the divorce was done. Now this is a guy who I've known most of my life and dated in high school and college.

He was sharing an apartment with some of his Marine buddies.

8 months later the divorce still was not final. I checked on a few things. He was no longer living with his buddies. He was back with his wife. But when we went out, he and his buddies pretended that he still lived with them. 

This was the point when I was getting out of the Army. So I just left town and went back to my hometown. He kept in touch.

Two years later he did finally get a divorce. He called me and asked if I would now move to where the was and start up again. I told him no.

This is a hard lesson to learn. I now have a rule: Never get involved with anyone until the ink is dry on the divorce.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Ink dry on divorce doesn't mean it's over for sure w ex. I'm just sayin


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I now have a rule: Never get involved with anyone until the ink is dry on the divorce.


And even then, it is sometimes prudent to wait and see if the person is actually over her/his XS.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Bingo morti!'


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Agreed. A man can tell me he's divorced. I'll ask for how long, and how long he was married. If it doesn't follow the one month for every year rule, that's a red flag.

I'll be much more interested in a man who's capable of and happy to be alone than in one who can't be.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Dude007 said:


> Ink dry on divorce doesn't mean it's over for sure w ex. I'm just sayin





morituri said:


> And even then, it is sometimes prudent to wait and see if the person is actually over her/his XS.


Unless someone is only interested in casual dating, it’s not wise to date until the divorce is over and the person has some significant healing and is over their ex.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Yep ele, and u may never know this


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Beanie, your problem is you are too smart "I'll be much more interested in a man who's capable of and happy to be alone than in one who can't be."

Most women would ignore this to "be w a dude"


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Dude007 said:


> Yep ele, and u may never know this


Of course, no one can truly know what's going on in another person's head. 

But there are things to look for... actions usually do speak louder than words.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Dude007 said:


> Beanie, your problem is you are too smart "I'll be much more interested in a man who's capable of and happy to be alone than in one who can't be."
> 
> Most women would ignore this to "be w a dude"


The reverse happens too. Most men will usually ignore it to "be with a chick".

People are like that.. often thinking that they are different from everyone else. It won't happen to them.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> The reverse happens too. Most men will usually ignore it to "be with a chick".
> 
> People are like that.. often thinking that they are different from everyone else. It won't happen to them.


Especially a hot chick. We all know that all other standards start to go out the window the hotter a woman gets.


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## delupt (Dec 1, 2014)

[OP back after a long break]

Some thought-provoking advice. I get the 'just have at it' and the 'wait just another 3 months' and the 'what kind of woman would hook-up with a married guy' and the 'relationship is done go and enjoy life' and the 'you need time to recover from divorce', etc. But mostly I hear my lawyer saying that if the STBXW finds out, I'd be properly ruined financially. 

I'm focussing on moving out with the boys in time for next school year. With both kids living with me free time is going to be tight, so I'll see how it looks in autumn. But I am sure I'll be wanting to make the most of my occasional nights off. 

This being held to ransom is such BS though, but these are the consequences to bad life decisions. It's not like I'm fighting women off with a stick or anything(!), but I just feel more playful with conversations over the last few months and see the difference. Just remembering that the lack of ability to date is one of the smallest problems being posed by the marriage's demise.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> The reverse happens too. Most men will usually ignore it to "be with a chick".
> 
> People are like that.. often thinking that they are different from everyone else. It won't happen to them.


Good point, Ele. It's easy for me to say that I'd never make that mistake. But not ever having been in the position to make it, how do I know?

I simultaneously hate and pity the OW in my case. I hate her for willingly starting things with someone she knew was not divorced. But I'm sure he lied to her about being much closer to divorce than he actually was and thought he could successfully string her along for a while. When she balked at that was when I found out about her.

OP, it's good you're taking your lawyer's advice.


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