# So hurt, words cannot accurately describe the pain...



## yottazenzen

Wife of 20 years goes sends a text on Friday saying she was going to the movies at 11:00pm with girlfriends. At about 4:30am my 8 year old comes down from his room because "mommy never came in and tucked me in" (she normally will come in and scratch his back at night . I take him back upstairs and scratch his back and check on our 3 year old. 

The next morning, I ask her how the movie was and she said fine. I asked when she got in and she said 1:00 or 2:00am. I then tell her what happened with 8 year old and she says, "well, we went and had drinks after". I tell her that no bars are open at 4:30am and she said they just hung out near her van and smoked cigs after the movie. 

I ask her what is with all the lies and she breaks down and tells me she isn't happy and she isn't in love with me anymore and hasn't been for a long while. Then, she drops a bomb on me...she had a several month affair with a relative (cousin) who is also married with kids. She said they hooked up in Vegas. I feel like such a fool because I was so happy she was having a girl's weekend with her friend in Vegas to get away from the kids. 

She goes on to tell me that she wanted him to leave his wife but he wouldn't. He breaks it off with her after the sexual encounter and she falls into a pit of despair. Her heart is broken. The length of the affair was several months, mostly phone calls, sexting (she said they would video chat of themselves masterbating) and she said she loved this guy deeply and he her...he just didn't want to leave his wife...I guess he's a real good guy, huh.

She says she wants a divorce, even after I told her that I'd even go to counseling with her about this, she didn't want to. We saw a lawyer the other day and we're being very amicable about everything. She's in line for a large sum of money from a grandparent so she doesn't want my 401k or any kind of spousal support.

The lawyer technically represents me (wife doesn't have one) but she is present when the lawyer and I discuss everything. Our decree will include 50/50 joint custody, lowered child support, kids can't leave the county, 5-2-2-5 visitation.

I think it all sounds pretty fair. We plan to sell our current house, use the $ to pay off any debt, thanks to the lower child support payments, I can get another (smaller) house for those two beautiful boys of ours. It's very important to me to keep some sense of normalcy for them. I want them to have a house , their own rooms, etc.

So, as for the pain. It is immense. I wake up every day crying. I've lost 10 pounds or so over the past 4 days. I can't eat anything really. Everything sucks. I feel so betrayed...who is this person I've been married to for 20 f'n years? I really think she had a plan to wait for our 3 year old to turn 5 so he'd be in school so she could roll out on me then, but I don't know for sure. 

One good thing, is she is being pretty honest about the affair. She revealed some pretty explicit details, so I don't think she's hiding anything else but at this point, there is a trust issue. She seems pretty good at lying. 

I'm so heartbroken and feel destroyed. Utterly destroyed. I just can't believe she could do this to me and these boys. 

She says I don't pay enough attention to her, that we only have sex 1 or 2 times/week. She wants to have sex every single day. She is kind of self-centered and very very needy (she admits this). She basically wants that beginning feeling you have of being in love and being chased...all the time 24x7 forever. 

I tell her that isn't realistic...things cool down after 20 f'n years. 

There's no turning back though. In 60 days we'll be divorced and I'll be a single dad. I don't know how I can learn to trust anybody ever again. 

One funny question she asked me a long time ago that always bugged me-if she or one of the kid's fell off a boat, who would I save. I said the kid. She hated that answer. She thinks it should be her. If it were me and a kid that fell over, I'd want her to save the kid...but that's just me. Every single person I ask that question to, choose the kid. Nobody chooses the spouse. 

She also thinks that sex is the key to marriage. I always thought friendship was. What are you going to do when you're 70 and can't get it up? You can have sex with a stranger but you can only be friends with somebody special.

Anyway, I'm a bit scared about being a 40 year old single dad, back out there in the jungle and my heart aches every second of the day.

Thanks for reading...


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## lamaga

I'm so very sorry -- please keep posting here, so many folks here have been in exactly your shoes, and you will get good support and advice.

Now. Please. Go try to eat something, even just a little something.


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## cantthinkstraight

yottazenzen said:


> Wife of 20 years goes sends a text on Friday saying she was going to the movies at 11:00pm with girlfriends. At about 4:30am my 8 year old comes down from his room because "mommy never came in and tucked me in" (she normally will come in and scratch his back at night . I take him back upstairs and scratch his back and check on our 3 year old.
> 
> The next morning, I ask her how the movie was and she said fine. I asked when she got in and she said 1:00 or 2:00am. I then tell her what happened with 8 year old and she says, "well, we went and had drinks after". I tell her that no bars are open at 4:30am and she said they just hung out near her van and smoked cigs after the movie.
> 
> I ask her what is with all the lies and she breaks down and tells me she isn't happy and she isn't in love with me anymore and hasn't been for a long while. Then, she drops a bomb on me...she had a several month affair with a relative (cousin) who is also married with kids. She said they hooked up in Vegas. I feel like such a fool because I was so happy she was having a girl's weekend with her friend in Vegas to get away from the kids.
> 
> She goes on to tell me that she wanted him to leave his wife but he wouldn't. He breaks it off with her after the sexual encounter and she falls into a pit of despair. Her heart is broken. The length of the affair was several months, mostly phone calls, sexting (she said they would video chat of themselves masterbating) and she said she loved this guy deeply and he her...he just didn't want to leave his wife...I guess he's a real good guy, huh.
> 
> She says she wants a divorce, even after I told her that I'd even go to counseling with her about this, she didn't want to. We saw a lawyer the other day and we're being very amicable about everything. She's in line for a large sum of money from a grandparent so she doesn't want my 401k or any kind of spousal support.
> 
> The lawyer technically represents me (wife doesn't have one) but she is present when the lawyer and I discuss everything. Our decree will include 50/50 joint custody, lowered child support, kids can't leave the county, 5-2-2-5 visitation.
> 
> I think it all sounds pretty fair. We plan to sell our current house, use the $ to pay off any debt, thanks to the lower child support payments, I can get another (smaller) house for those two beautiful boys of ours. It's very important to me to keep some sense of normalcy for them. I want them to have a house , their own rooms, etc.
> 
> So, as for the pain. It is immense. I wake up every day crying. I've lost 10 pounds or so over the past 4 days. I can't eat anything really. Everything sucks. I feel so betrayed...who is this person I've been married to for 20 f'n years? I really think she had a plan to wait for our 3 year old to turn 5 so he'd be in school so she could roll out on me then, but I don't know for sure.
> 
> One good thing, is she is being pretty honest about the affair. She revealed some pretty explicit details, so I don't think she's hiding anything else but at this point, there is a trust issue. She seems pretty good at lying.
> 
> I'm so heartbroken and feel destroyed. Utterly destroyed. I just can't believe she could do this to me and these boys.
> 
> She says I don't pay enough attention to her, that we only have sex 1 or 2 times/week. She wants to have sex every single day. She is kind of self-centered and very very needy (she admits this). She basically wants that beginning feeling you have of being in love and being chased...all the time 24x7 forever.
> 
> I tell her that isn't realistic...things cool down after 20 f'n years.
> 
> There's no turning back though. In 60 days we'll be divorced and I'll be a single dad. I don't know how I can learn to trust anybody ever again.
> 
> One funny question she asked me a long time ago that always bugged me-if she or one of the kid's fell off a boat, who would I save. I said the kid. She hated that answer. She thinks it should be her. If it were me and a kid that fell over, I'd want her to save the kid...but that's just me. Every single person I ask that question to, choose the kid. Nobody chooses the spouse.
> 
> She also thinks that sex is the key to marriage. I always thought friendship was. What are you going to do when you're 70 and can't get it up? You can have sex with a stranger but you can only be friends with somebody special.
> 
> Anyway, I'm a bit scared about being a 40 year old single dad, back out there in the jungle and my heart aches every second of the day.
> 
> Thanks for reading...


Sorry for your pain.

What a sh!tty ending to a 20 year marriage.
Sounds to me like there were a lot of issues between you
two that didn't get communicated properly.

Hell, had I not caught my WW and the OM 3 months into
the A, maybe I'd be in the same position as you.

The pain, the weight loss, the sorrow.... all very normal.

What comes through in your post is your love for your *kids*.

*Don't lose that*. Let them be your guiding light from this
moment forward. You can be happier at 40, without someone
who thinks so little of you.

I wish you the best.

_Side note: click on the link in my sig for my story. Might be similarities you can learn from._


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## norajane

> Anyway, I'm a bit scared about being a 40 year old single dad, back out there in the jungle


I'm sorry for what you are going through. Please take care of yourself physically -eat something, even if it's just cereal. Your kids need you to be in decent physical shape, and your body definitely will feel the effects of the stress, so at least give it your best shot to stay healthy by eating.

I will say, however, that you don't really have anything to worry about as a "40 year old single dad, back out there in the jungle". Every 40+ divorced single dad I've known in the last 5 years has gone on to very happily date and marry again, some of them within a reasonably short amount of time. I'm sure you're not ready to think about this, but it's not anything to fear. Many single women in their 40's would be happy to be with a good man.


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## MattMatt

yottazenzen said:


> One funny question she asked me a long time ago that always bugged me-if she or one of the kid's fell off a boat, who would I save. I said the kid. She hated that answer. She thinks it should be her.


Wow. What a weird question to ask! But worse, what a weird, twisted mind must exist behind that question!

With that attitude of hers to the children, you *are* seeking custody of them, aren't you? (Please say that you are!)


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I recommend Boost or Ensure (meal replacement drinks) if you can't stomach food. I had a week or two (or more) and then some days where they kept me going. Sometimes, you just don't want to digest with your stomach along with your mind, and in between is your heart. It's a mine field in there. Go easy on it, everything. Do it for the kids if you have trouble doing it for yourself. If you aren't sleeping, get something non-addictive to use for that. It's not a sign of weakness, but a sign of being a realist and needing to be able to function at some level, although it's reduced.


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## morituri

As Norajane said, take care of yourself physically and if you find that you are having difficulty coping with the situation then go see your doctor.

Lastly, you must develop the emotional strength to move on with your life and that can only come from emotionally detaching from your STBXW. You can achieve this by implementing the principles in *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559* and *The 180 degree rules*.

We've been were you are and we can tell you that no matter what happens *you will make it. Count on it.*


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## KanDo

I'm so sorry you are here, my friend. Please believe me when I say things WILL get better. It sounds like the deal you are getting is fair. Not certain why you would pay any child support if the kids are split 50:50...

Let me echo the take care of yourself mantra. You boys need you.


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## costa200

> One funny question she asked me a long time ago that always bugged me-if she or one of the kid's fell off a boat, who would I save. I said the kid. She hated that answer. She thinks it should be her. If it were me and a kid that fell over, I'd want her to save the kid...but that's just me. Every single person I ask that question to, choose the kid. Nobody chooses the spouse.




I read all you wrote. But this part right here... I can't get it out of my mind. That woman has a severe issue right there. What kind of mother is she? Heck if i asked that question to a woman "who would you save, the kid or me" and she said me i would not be happy at all. It shows a very level of bond between her and the kids. 

Or... Have you considered the possibility that the reason she hated that answer is that she feels guilty or resentful about something regarding your relation with your kids? It is just blowing my mind...


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## TRy

yottazenzen said:


> She's in line for a large sum of money from a grandparent so she doesn't want my 401k or any kind of spousal support.


 This is why she is leaving you. She no longer needs you as a meal ticket and she is selfish and does not want to share her inheritance with you. Also, if she has all this money, and you are getting shared custody, why are you paying any child support at all? Wait for her money to come in and the courts will give her nothing. You may not be entitled to the inheritance, but her estate is a factor in determining her need for alimony and child support. In fact if it is big enough you could be the one getting alimony and child support.



yottazenzen said:


> One funny question she asked me a long time ago that always bugged me-if she or one of the kid's fell off a boat, who would I save. I said the kid. She hated that answer. She thinks it should be her. If it were me and a kid that fell over, I'd want her to save the kid...but that's just me. Every single person I ask that question to, choose the kid. Nobody chooses the spouse.


 My wife and I discussed this a long time ago, and my wife told me that she would be upset with me if I saved her instead of our child, but then again my wife is not selfish like your wife.



yottazenzen said:


> Anyway, I'm a bit scared about being a 40 year old single dad, back out there in the jungle and my heart aches every second of the day.


 Great news. Before you reach 30 years of age, women are the ones in demand because they can date anyone their age and above with little issue; men on the other hand can only date their age and below to 18. Do the math and you see that there are not as many women as men for men under 30 to date. Over 30 the math balances out. At 40 years of age the math favors men and men are the ones in demand. I know people will say that times are changing and point out the rise of the term "cougars", but that is not the norm. What do call a woman that dates younger men? Answer, a "cougar". What do you call a man that dates a younger women? Answer, a man. The fact that their is not a derogatory term for men dating younger women says it all.

Bottom line, at 40 the market for you is much better than the last time you dated in your 20s.


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## keko

Who the hell screws their cousin?


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## keko

Is your and her family aware of her affair?


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## jh52

"I ask her what is with all the lies and she breaks down and tells me she isn't happy and she isn't in love with me anymore and hasn't been for a long while. Then, she drops a bomb on me...she had a several month affair with a relative (cousin) who is also married with kids. She said they hooked up in Vegas. I feel like such a fool because I was so happy she was having a girl's weekend with her friend in Vegas to get away from the kids. 

She goes on to tell me that she wanted him to leave his wife but he wouldn't. He breaks it off with her after the sexual encounter and she falls into a pit of despair. Her heart is broken. The length of the affair was several months, mostly phone calls, sexting (she said they would video chat of themselves masterbating) and she said she loved this guy deeply and he her...he just didn't want to leave his wife...I guess he's a real good guy, huh."


She is one sick person. You know for sure about your cousin -- and since she is pushing this divorce so fast -- you never posted where she was when she was out late -- but I would venture to guess she has OM already -- and is having an affair with him as well.

I am saying this to get you ready for more information -- as it seems that the cheater never tells all the 1st time -- but the BS always gets the TT.

Stay strong for you kids and yourself. 

Time does heal all -- treat your marriage as a death and you may be able to understand the stages of emotion you are going through.

Good luck !!


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## TRy

keko said:


> Who the hell screws their cousin?


 Her inheritance, is the real basis of this divorce. She does not want to share it. Since the cousin is getting the same large sum of money from the grand parents, she would not have to share her money with him. It is all about money for both of these selfish cheaters.


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## Acabado

> She is one sick person. You know for sure about your cousin -- and since she is pushing this divorce so fast -- you never posted where she was when she was out late -- but I would venture to guess she has OM already -- and is having an affair with him as well.


Ditto. She's having an affair with a local OM. This or is banging a bunch of strangers from AFF, given "sex everyday is the key of marriage". What a total MLC.


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## Acabado

Another thing, low life cousin's wife needs to know. She deserves it. Cousin is cheating on her (surely is already with another OW). SHe needs STD test to be done.


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## BigLiam

TRy said:


> This is why she is leaving you. She no longer needs you as a meal ticket and she is selfish and does not want to share her inheritance with you. Also, if she has all this money, and you are getting shared custody, why are you paying any child support at all? Wait for her money to come in and the courts will give her nothing. You may not be entitled to the inheritance, but her estate is a factor in determining her need for alimony and child support. In fact if it is big enough you could be the one getting alimony and child support.
> 
> My wife and I discussed this a long time ago, and my wife told me that she would be upset with me if I saved her instead of our child, but then again my wife is not selfish like your wife.
> 
> Great news. Before you reach 30 years of age, women are the ones in demand because they can date anyone their age and above with little issue; men on the other hand can only date their age and below to 18. Do the math and you see that there are not as many women as men for men under 30 to date. Over 30 the math balances out. At 40 years of age the math favors men and men are the ones in demand. I know people will say that times are changing and point out the rise of the term "cougars", but that is not the norm. What do call a woman that dates younger men? Answer, a "cougar". What do you call a man that dates a younger women? Answer, a man. The fact that their is not a derogatory term for men dating younger women says it all.
> 
> Bottom line, at 40 the market for you is much better than the last time you dated in your 20s.


I found this to be true while single n my 40's. I got called all the time.


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## iheartlife

I am so sorry you are here.

She does sound self-centered; she enjoyed the infatuation that she felt with the cousin, but she isn't mature enough to understand that this feeling is false, a biological trick to perpetuate the species. Real love as you know is far deeper than that.

If I were you, I'd find an individual counselor and start talking. You may be very surprised what the counselor thinks about her, and how she's treated you, etc.

Like others, I suspect she is cheating still. She told you about this one affair because it was safe to use it as an excuse for leaving you. But if that's all over and done with, then what gives? She is likely seeing someone else, or perhaps she is even still in touch with the cousin, even if he won't leave his wife.

Have you looked at her cell phone records? Not the paper bills, the ones online that give the detail to/from/location etc.


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## iheartlife

Oh, and no more begging for the marriage, if you've done any of that. NONE. Even if you want to desperately save your marriage and reconcile. Or I should say, especially if you want to save the marriage. She will find it absolutely repulsive. It will have the opposite effect.

You should take a look at No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life, you sound like you could stand to benefit from these (many forum members have said they helped them out).


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## warlock07

Expose the affair to the family, friends and most importantly the other man's wife. What work does this guy do? Get checked for STDs


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## yottazenzen

MattMatt said:


> Wow. What a weird question to ask! But worse, what a weird, twisted mind must exist behind that question!
> 
> With that attitude of hers to the children, you *are* seeking custody of them, aren't you? (Please say that you are!)


We are seeking 50/50. I want to be fair to them.


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## yottazenzen

KanDo said:


> Not certain why you would pay any child support if the kids are split 50:50...
> .


Unequal incomes. She doesn't have any income at all. She's going to have to get a job (in 20 years, she's probably worked 3 years as a substitute teacher).


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## yottazenzen

keko said:


> Is your and her family aware of her affair?


Some of her friends and family are aware. That is part of what hurts too. Some of them knew about it while it was going on and then could look me in the eye when I saw them. People scare the crap out of me.


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## yottazenzen

She also told me more details about their encounter in Vegas (at my request). Sex in public places, elevators, women's bathrooms, etc. Who is this woman? She would never do that stuff with me. 

In a way, it helps me see her less as a special person I've been with for 20 years and more as a stranger that I'm not really impressed with. I'm starting to distance myself from her, I'm just having issues getting over how can this person I thought I knew to this to me and how can her friends who knew about it while it was going on, look me in the eye? These people blow my friggin mind. 

Also, I have not seen her give hugs and kisses to either kid one time in the past 5 days during any of this. She blows my mind. Who is this person? 

Thanks for reading and all the good advice. I have a feeling I'll be on here a quite a bit...


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## warlock07

Read the 180 if you haven't. It will help you in the healing


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## jh52

yottazenzen said:


> Some of her friends and family are aware. That is part of what hurts too. Some of them knew about it while it was going on and then could look me in the eye when I saw them. People scare the crap out of me.


Did the family and friends tell you this or did she ??

If she told you they know -- she is lying to cover her as*.

If you told them -- and they said yeah we know -- cut those people/friends off as well as they probably encouraged and at the least enabled her.


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## jh52

Just another question -- have you ever found out the truth about her going to the movies with her girlfriends and then smoking by the van all night ?

Why is this story not believable ---

You are getting divorced === and not that it matters === my guess is see spent it having sex with at least one other man and or woman. I say this not to hurt you -- but your wife has gone off the deep end and is acting out like a porno star (Las Vegas) so I wouldn't put any actions she would do unbelievable.

Good Luck !!


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## jh52

One other thing -- contact cousins wife and let her know.

She deserves to know the truth.

Think how you feel now that other family and friends knew but didn't tell you. 

Don't let her find out that others knew and did nothing.


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## Chaparral

First of all go to this link, print off the 180, carry it with you and live it. Sorry but whatever your wife has become, its someone you never knew.

The Healing Heart: The 180

Next go to amazon.com and download/buy these two books, you need them badly. The first will give you insight into what has happened and how to do better in your next relationship. The second I think is self expanatory. 

Married Man Sex Life ( not a sex manual)


No More Mister Nice Guy


These three things will do you more good than anything else.

Go to your doctor and explain all this, he can prescribe some things that will help.

Get yourself Indivdual Counseling with someone experienced with infidelity and PTSD. Infidelity is harder on a person than the battlefield according to many who have been there.

Good luck and prayers

Chap


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## iheartlife

jh52 said:


> Did the family and friends tell you this or did she ??
> 
> If she told you they know -- she is lying to cover her as*.


Good point. Just how sure are you that they know? Somehow I don't see this coming up. I just see her feeding you that line. Of course, I could be wrong. If so, set me straight.


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## Machiavelli

keko said:


> Who the hell screws their cousin?


Probably the same folks who marry their cousins.


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## Sara8

yottazenzen said:


> She also told me more details about their encounter in Vegas (at my request). Sex in public places, elevators, women's bathrooms, etc. Who is this woman? She would never do that stuff with me.
> 
> In a way, it helps me see her less as a special person I've been with for 20 years and more as a stranger that I'm not really impressed with. I'm starting to distance myself from her, I'm just having issues getting over how can this person I thought I knew to this to me and how can her friends who knew about it while it was going on, look me in the eye? These people blow my friggin mind.
> 
> Also, I have not seen her give hugs and kisses to either kid one time in the past 5 days during any of this. She blows my mind. Who is this person?
> 
> Thanks for reading and all the good advice. I have a feeling I'll be on here a quite a bit...


I ask the same question daily about my STBEH. That is why I filed for divorce even though he wants to still try to reconcile. 

I think who is this man. I adored h. There were times when I felt so lucky to have him. I told this to mutual friends some of whom had inklings about the affair, but said nothing. 

It's all so humiliating. I feel like such a dupe and fool. 

Please do let the OM's wife know. She needs to be tested for STDs and has a right to know her husband is a cheater and a liar.


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## Posse

See your doctor. Your doc can give you some meds that will help you in the short run to help you deal with the issues you are facing.

It may not seem like it, but you should count yourself lucky that she didn't make you hunt everything down and told you part of the truth.

Your wife did not tell you all of the truth. You know enough to be able to make an informed decision about your marriage, however. You are wisely getting out.

A guy like you will be very popular in the dating market.

Do indeed get tested for std's.

Are you in a community property state?


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## yottazenzen

Posse said:


> See your doctor. Your doc can give you some meds that will help you in the short run to help you deal with the issues you are facing.
> 
> It may not seem like it, but you should count yourself lucky that she didn't make you hunt everything down and told you part of the truth.
> 
> Your wife did not tell you all of the truth. You know enough to be able to make an informed decision about your marriage, however. You are wisely getting out.
> 
> A guy like you will be very popular in the dating market.
> 
> Do indeed get tested for std's.
> 
> Are you in a community property state?


I've been down the medication path before and it was way hard on me to get off that stuff. I think I'll try and just work through the burn of this.

I hope I'm popular in the dating market. I just want somebody who is honest and cares about kids.

I am in a community property state but all we have is a house which we are selling and using the profits to pay off any debt.


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## snap

If she is so firmly set on her new inbred relationship, let her have it. File. There is not much else you can do at this point.


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## anonymouskitty

AS an aside, FIRST COUSINS ARE LEGAL MY FIREND

Having said that YUCK


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## keko

yottazenzen said:


> We are seeking 50/50. I want to be fair to them.


I would highly suggest you take advantage of her current mental status and go for more then a 50/50 child custody. Keep in mind that until she stops her craziness and fixes herself, she's actually worse to the kids then them not seeing their her. 

You may want to act fast before divorce nears end.


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## snap

anonymouskitty said:


> AS an aside, FIRST COUSINS ARE LEGAL MY FIREND
> 
> Having said that YUCK


Yes, it's a legal (in some places) form of inbred relationship.


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## yottazenzen

snap said:


> If she is so firmly set on her new inbred relationship, let her have it. File. There is not much else you can do at this point.


He dumped her because he wanted to work on things with his wife.


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## snap

yottazenzen said:


> He dumped her because he wanted to work on things with his wife.


She broke up with him somewhere between having sex that night and confessing to you in the morning? Fine.

My advice still stands. File.


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## Almostrecovered

snap said:


> She broke up with him somewhere between having sex that night and confessing to you in the morning? Fine.
> 
> My advice still stands. File.


it may also indicate that since she wants out and to be pursued (her words) that she could be picking up guys at a bar or meeting men from online sites


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## snap

I'd go with the simplest explanation, that the affair never really stopped, and she is protecting her AP from husband's wrath. Nobody can tell that for sure offcourse.


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## BigLiam

yottazenzen said:


> Unequal incomes. She doesn't have any income at all. She's going to have to get a job (in 20 years, she's probably worked 3 years as a substitute teacher).


This screams entitlement. Why some spouses support this is beyond me. It sets them up for alimony, big time, when this shat happens.
What does a person do all day, before kids or when they are in school, if they do not work? Guess a lot of them do the pool boy/girl or delivery man/woman.


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## BigLiam

anonymouskitty said:


> AS an aside, FIRST COUSINS ARE LEGAL MY FIREND
> 
> Having said that YUCK


I think this vaires from State to State. I may be wrong, but it is easily ascertainable.
Wierd, though. It may explain her limitations, if she, herself, is the product of inbreeding.


----------



## iheartlife

BigLiam said:


> I think this vaires from State to State. I may be wrong, but it is easily ascertainable.
> Wierd, though. It may explain her limitations, if she, herself, is the product of inbreeding.


It's about 50/50 which states allow it and which states don't. 

(And for Americans: before you start getting funny ideas, it's illegal in Kentucky, West Virginia, and Louisiana, for example. They probably made it illegal so all those cousins from OTHER states who smugly think that they would never do such a thing would stop coming to get married there, blech.)


Oh, and here's a funny for ya. It's illegal in Nevada (although "permitted when the couple will not bear children").


----------



## iheartlife

iheartlife said:


> Good point. Just how sure are you that they know? Somehow I don't see this coming up. I just see her feeding you that line. Of course, I could be wrong. If so, set me straight.


Sorry, did you have a chance to answer this question? I apologize if I missed it somehow.


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## Machiavelli

I'm sorry this happened to you. It sucks. Long ago, my LTGF went from nice Christian virgin to superslvt. When the smoke cleared and I had a chance to think clearly and ask around, I found out she'd been working her way up to slvtdom for a couple of years behind my back. This is what has happened to you. Fortunately for me, we weren't married and we had no kids.

You know about at least two guys: vegas cousin and whatever clown she was banging when she was supposed to be at the movies. You would have never known about either without your child awakening you to the problem, so who really knows how many men and how many times. I congratulate you on your decisiveness in divorce. Many of us are much more conflicted when adultery appears in our relationships. I salute you.

As others have commented above, you will find plenty of willing women in the 40+ dating pool. Some of them are fine ladies who are worth a relationship. However, you need to change your body and that will change some of your attitudes. While it's true that *most* women are probably fine with once or twice a week (after 3-5 years of marriage) *most* guys are not. 

Looking at your age and some of your comments in your post, I suggest: take a trip to the local men's clinic and get your testosterone panel done; start a bodybuilding program 2-3X per week of 5 heavy compound lifts such as leg press and/or squat, decline or incline bench press, deadlift, barbell row, and overhead press. These will raise your testosterone (among other things) and if you do it systematically and eat right, you'll look like a Greek god in a year. Women like that look and you'll have the drive to make the happy.

Good luck.


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## spudster

OP, please accept what I have to say in the spirit in which it is meant: your wife is trash.... incestuous, lying, cheating, filthy trash.

You should be thanking her cousin for exposing the woman she really is to you before you wasted another 20 years of your life on her. 

Divorce her nasty butt, get full custody of your children, and leave her and her cousin behind to breed little two-headed incest babies. 

Just nasty!


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## Chaparral

iheartlife said:


> Sorry, did you have a chance to answer this question? I apologize if I missed it somehow.


How many times have we heard the line "He/she knows" sometimes with the "he/she doesn't care". LOL

And it turns out it was just another lie told by the cheating spouses.

OP doesn't tell us where he got the info.


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## yottazenzen

iheartlife said:


> Sorry, did you have a chance to answer this question? I apologize if I missed it somehow.


I was here when she told some of them and I've talked to some of them since.


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## yottazenzen

Found out today that she was also banging my neighbor/friend while I was out of town last week. He was who she was with on that Saturday morning. They banged every day when I was gone and then once when I was in the house, she snuck over to his house and banged. WHAT IS GOING ON????

I made her tell the neighbor to come over to our house to talk about this. He was really scared and thought I was going to kill him. I said I don't care enough about either of them to do that. I just wanted to talk about this since our kids all play together outside all the time and I didn't want to confront him out in the street. BTW, his wife is in Brazil right now for like two months...

Anyway, after some coaxing, he finally came over and we all talked. I basically told them both how much they destroyed me and my family. My kids' lives. He said he was really really sorry. I told him to start thinking about the consequences his actions have and that doing crap like that affects real people and their kids. I told them how cruel it is to do that to somebody and how they must think so little of me. I said I wouldn't do that to somebody I hate, let alone a friend/husband. They think so little of me I guess. 

This is all just so unbelievable. 6 days ago, I was so grateful for our little family. Now all of this. When it rains, it pours. BTW, we signed our Divorce Decree today also.

At the end of the day, I think my STBXW has grown up some and maybe realizes now that doing what she did has screwed up a lot of good things she had, not least of all is her kid's lives.

I'm hoping she will be less self-centered, selfish going forward and be a better mom for our two boys.

In the meantime, 60 days from now, I will be on the market ladies. 40 year old, loving dad, told I'm good looking, in good shape, funny, caring, and also....would never hurt you by cheating....


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## 2ndchanc81370

We all want you to know that we feel for you and your pain. This is the reason why forums like this can help and support you. We are all in the same boat -- being cheated, being hurt, being afraid, and being alone. One of the things I have learned when I discovered my husband's betrayal, the pain and all the ugliness dull in time. It must not change us to become bitter but better person -- not just for our self but for the children we love. 

We are your friends. Good luck and take care of yourself.


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## bandit.45

Good for you brother. You will be happier without this monster in your life. She is unredeemable.


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## yottazenzen

Also, I'm packing up the kids tomorrow and getting the hell out of here for a couple of days. I'm going to take them to my my mom's house. I need to get away from all this craziness.


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## ing

Sorry you are here. Took me a little while to be able to read this. It is a bit close to the bone.. 
This mirrors in many ways the stuff that went on during my ExW affair. She came into an inheritance and ditched me and the kids after 25 years. 

I also hit the dating sites within a month of the breakup. There is am interesting fact stat about that.. 
The more heartbroken a man is, the faster he will move on and find himself a new woman. We are essentially alone emotionally when this happens and it is unbearable, so we find someone to talk to amongt other things!

I would strongly suggest that you read Just let them go every hour for the next week. 
Your wife as you knew her has gone. 

She will never return. 

Your aim with her is indifference. You do not care who, when or where she is. You do not ask. You do everything in your power to distance yourself from her. 

Your kids. Do not be fair. She won't be. She has an agenda in her head which she is not telling you. You are still being manipulated and you need to put the protection of your kids mental and physical health. One. Two and three. Nothing else matters. If dating helps. Do it now. 

Do not under any circumstances move out of your house. SHE goes. Ask her to leave. Today.

Clear her stuff into boxes, this will help with letting go. 
open your own bank account. Split what money there is and DO NOT SIGN anything giving up any financial rights.

EAT.. Healthy. 
Exercise to clear the adrenalin.

The drugs you take do not have to be long term, a few weeks is often enough and they may well just be anit-anxiety tablets. Please talk to you Doctor. You have a lot to do in a short space of time. You need to be clear and rational to do them.

I know this sounds really tough. I know you are in a terrible, terrible place at the moment and our primary concern based on the information you have given is the protection of your family. That is the old one sans wife.

It sounds like she is in MLC and will at some point crack up when she realizes what she has done. This may be two to three years though. You need to rebuild your life. Starting today.

You will recover but it will include a very long hard look at yourself. You, like me, are the typical "nice guy" [tip. it is not nice]
Do not try to fix this. 
Do not compromise
Do not allow her to drag you in to any conversations.

Immediate and hard 180 my friend. Again. Sorry you are here.


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## Acabado

Again, neighbor's wife/SO has to know.
I'm sure your wife has been banging a bunch of people, cousin and neibourgh might be serial cheaters. STD tests need to be done by their betrayed.


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## keko

Just wondering is this inheritance 6,7 digits for her to go total crazy?


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## yottazenzen

keko said:


> Just wondering is this inheritance 6,7 digits for her to go total crazy?


she would get 6 digits immediately and her parents would get high 7 digits.


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## warlock07

What a c*nt!!! Would you get a share ? You wouldn't want it though. Was money a primary motivator in her behavior?


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## rrrbbbttt

yottazenzen said:


> Found out today that she was also banging my neighbor/friend while I was out of town last week. He was who she was with on that Saturday morning. They banged every day when I was gone and then once when I was in the house, she snuck over to his house and banged. WHAT IS GOING ON????
> 
> I made her tell the neighbor to come over to our house to talk about this. He was really scared and thought I was going to kill him. I said I don't care enough about either of them to do that. I just wanted to talk about this since our kids all play together outside all the time and I didn't want to confront him out in the street. BTW, his wife is in Brazil right now for like two months...
> 
> Anyway, after some coaxing, he finally came over and we all talked. I basically told them both how much they destroyed me and my family. My kids' lives. He said he was really really sorry. I told him to start thinking about the consequences his actions have and that doing crap like that affects real people and their kids. I told them how cruel it is to do that to somebody and how they must think so little of me. I said I wouldn't do that to somebody I hate, let alone a friend/husband. They think so little of me I guess.
> 
> This is all just so unbelievable. 6 days ago, I was so grateful for our little family. Now all of this. When it rains, it pours. BTW, we signed our Divorce Decree today also.
> 
> At the end of the day, I think my STBXW has grown up some and maybe realizes now that doing what she did has screwed up a lot of good things she had, not least of all is her kid's lives.
> 
> I'm hoping she will be less self-centered, selfish going forward and be a better mom for our two boys.
> 
> In the meantime, 60 days from now, I will be on the market ladies. 40 year old, loving dad, told I'm good looking, in good shape, funny, caring, and also....would never hurt you by cheating....


Your neightbor's wife needs to know what a "SH*tHead" her husband is I hope you will expose.


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## iheartlife

rrrbbbttt said:


> Your neightbor's wife needs to know what a "SH*tHead" her husband is I hope you will expose.


Yes, think of his children--they are in the same position as yours and don't deserve a dad like that.


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## Acabado

How are you going to interact with OM2/neibourgh? Wife needs to know so you don't have to deal with him in case children remain friends. Trust me you do't want to lose it one fine afternoon at park and jailed for it. NC with OM2(?)


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## keko

yottazenzen said:


> she would get 6 digits immediately and her parents would get high 7 digits.


If you can, before she waste's it on shopping and vacations can you have some of it placed in secured places for kids college tuition?


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## ing

YOu know..
If you as a married couple were aware of this inheritance before she buggered off, there is a high chance you are entitled to half because surprisingly this is quiet common and it will be put down as an asset pre-diivorce.
I know right now you are saying. " I don't want her stinking money" but when you think about it you for 20 years just split anything you brought in down the middle didn't you. I bet you got to the point where you didn't even think "mine and yours".

It is unjust that she just swans off in to the sunset with it. It is unfair on your children. 

Do not sign away half this money. Apart from anything else it will piss her off. 
I got 40% of low 6 figure which has enabled me to buy time for me and the kids to normalize our lives.


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## yottazenzen

Update on my status:

My wife and I have signed the Divorce Decree last week but have to wait 60 days for it to be finalized. We've put our beautiful house up for sale which saddens me quite a bit since I feel I've worked so hard to get what I considered my dream house and I'll now have to move to a less home.

We still haven't told our 8 year old anything other than we are moving. I've decided not to tell the wives of the other men. Mainly because one of those wives is a notorious cheater and kind of crazy and I don't think any good would come of it. She could become unstable and I don't want her freaking out in the street in our neighborhood in front of my kids and her kids. The neighbor and his wife deserve each other...both are cheating scumbags. 

As for the first guy (cousin) she had an affair with, it's more complicated but essentially, little good would come from his wife knowing. I have a feeling the guy is a scumbag and will continue his cheating ways and will get busted sooner or later anyway. This affair is more sensitive because of the family relation.

My wife and I are still living in the house together and have taken the opportunity to talk quite a bit. She knows what she did is wrong, that she should've just left before having affairs. I told her I basically just think something in her brain flipped out or something; temporary insanity. I've known the woman for over 20 years and in 20 years time, you know somebody, sometimes better than themselves. I don't think this person who did these horrible things is the 'new' her. I told her I still believe there is a goodness in her and I hope to see it again sometime.

I haven't forgiven her or anything and there is no hope of us getting back together but I think we want very much to remain friends, if for nothing else, for the kid's sake. I don't want to hate somebody with all my being that I have to see as often as I will have to see her. Plus, I've been with her for half of my life. It's not easy to just turn your back on somebody even if they did something as horrible as this. 

Obviously, I look at her in a different light though. It will take time to rebuild my life and my kid's lives. But it is what it is. I really don't want to be with somebody like her anyway. I told her that those things she did with these other guys were basically just fantasy and of course fantasy will always be more alluring than real life but in the end, real life always comes back. Even if she married one of these piles of crap, 5-10 years down the road, she'd realize she's married to a liar/cheater and the romance phase will probably be faded and she'll be right back where she was...having to pay bills, go to the grocery store, clean the house, etc. That's just the real world. 

Her main thing was all about sex...she wanted it every day, several times a day if possible. I asked her if she would have left me if I had prostate cancer or what about when we're older and things don't even work? She said that that would be different because it wouldn't be my fault but I wonder...

I'm not saying I'm all rosy or anything, just doing better than I was a few days ago. I told her we're still a family, just a screwed up family now. 

She also has never been on her own, never had a real job or anything. I feel she may be in for a rude awakening. 

I look forward to meeting another woman who would not do something like this to me. I'm hoping to meet a divorcee with kids so we'd have much in common at the onset. I will be happy to have somebody to talk to at the least. I've joined some local single parents meetup groups and hope to network a bit.


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## keko

yottazenzen said:


> I feel she may be in for a rude awakening.


Definately. Im guessing the temporary comfort of inheritance money will add even further fuel to her failure.


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## ArmyofJuan

yottazenzen said:


> I look forward to meeting another woman who would not do something like this to me. I'm hoping to meet a divorcee with kids so we'd have much in common at the onset. I will be happy to have somebody to talk to at the least. I've joined some local single parents meetup groups and hope to network a bit.


Don’t worry about meeting someone, I was temporarily on the market when I was 40 and it was easier than when I was in my 20s. It's weird at first but it’s pretty cool if you don’t take it too seriously and just date to have fun. Some advice, don't be serious, if you make a dating profile make it funny and don't post your life's story. The less they know about you the better (it gives them something to ask about).

Your wife is a horrible person I’m sorry to say. When you hit the anger stage (realizing that everything bad that happens as a result from this is HER FAULT) it will be harder to be nice to her which is good because she doesn’t deserve your respect.


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## yottazenzen

keko said:


> Definately. Im guessing the temporary comfort of inheritance money will add even further fuel to her failure.


She's not getting the money until her grandmother dies which could be in a year or 10 years.


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## iheartlife

yottazenzen said:


> She's not getting the money until her grandmother dies which could be in a year or 10 years.


Rude isn't even a strong enough word for the wakeup call she'll be getting. If she's never been on her own, and she's been living in a dream house, there's going to be some gnashing of teeth before this is all over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy

yottazenzen said:


> she would get 6 digits immediately and her parents would get high 7 digits.


Why are you paying child support then? Although you have no right to the money, it would be a big factor in determining that she would not need child support since you are getting 50%-50% custody. Stop the current divorce and refile right now. Stop being the nice guy, you are not the cheater that broke up the family. You will regret this in the future when your new wife must do without because you are sending money to your rich wife. You will also feel bad when your wife has more money (your money) to spend on your children than you.


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## keko

TRy said:


> Why are you paying child support then? Although you have no right to the money, it would be a big factor in determining that she would not need child support since you are getting 50%-50% custody. Stop the current divorce and refile right now. Stop being the nice guy, you are not the cheater that broke up the family. You will regret this in the future when your new wife must do without because you are sending money to your rich wife. You will also feel bad when your wife has more money (your money) to spend on your children than you.


Just to add, income and asset are very different. Asset's may not be considered in determining child custody or have very little difference. He needs to check his state laws if this inheritance and the likelihood of even higher future one's will effect child support and alimony.


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## TRy

yottazenzen said:


> As for the first guy (cousin) she had an affair with, it's more complicated but essentially, little good would come from his wife knowing.


 In an earlier post you stated "how can her friends who knew about it while it was going on, look me in the eye? These people blow my friggin mind." In another post you also said "Some of her friends and family are aware. That is part of what hurts too. Some of them knew about it while it was going on and then could look me in the eye when I saw them. People scare the crap out of me." That is what the first guy's wife will be thinking about you when she finds you that you knew and did not tell her; you will be just like all the scumbags that did not tell you. Through your children you will always be family to her, and when she finds out, I can only imagine how betryed she will feel. For the rest of her life she will rightfully view you with great contempt. Not telling her shows that you have no respect for her as a person. Stop looking out just for number one, you are better than that. She needs to know just like you needed to know.


----------



## Monroe

yottazenzen said:


> We still haven't told our 8 year old anything other than we are moving. I've decided not to tell the wives of the other men. Mainly because one of those wives is a notorious cheater and kind of crazy and I don't think any good would come of it. She could become unstable and I don't want her freaking out in the street in our neighborhood in front of my kids and her kids. The neighbor and his wife deserve each other...both are cheating scumbags.


If you want to save the neighborhood, my suggestion would be to send letters or contact the wives, the day you move. They deserve to know.


----------



## the guy

I would expose the crap out of this. You tried explaining your self but I don't get it......I have a feeling you are making assumtion about the OMW's.

Dude if it was me I'd look into it a little more. My thinking is who cares what the OMW's do with the info...but the info should be revealed and warning other is just the right thing to do....even if they stay on the train tracks as the train wreck comes there way.

So do your kids afavor and give there mother some consequences that my give her the motivation to be a healthier person by exposing the affairs.


----------



## MattMatt

TRy said:


> In an earlier post you stated "how can her friends who knew about it while it was going on, look me in the eye? These people blow my friggin mind." In another post you also said "Some of her friends and family are aware. That is part of what hurts too. Some of them knew about it while it was going on and then could look me in the eye when I saw them. People scare the crap out of me." That is what the first guy's wife will be thinking about you when she finds you that you knew and did not tell her; you will be just like all the scumbags that did not tell you. Through your children you will always be family to her, and when she finds out, I can only imagine how betryed she will feel. For the rest of her life she will rightfully view you with great contempt. Not telling her shows that you have no respect for her as a person. Stop looking out just for number one, you are better than that. She needs to know just like you needed to know.


:iagree:


----------



## wrsteele1

Very sorry this happened to you. I hope I'm wrong about this, but I pick up a little tone of "apologist" in your posts. What you're wife did was flat out wrong, no matter her reasons. This was NOT your fault. She has hurt you deep, though she may say she does, she has no idea how deep. It is OK to be angry at her. Stay strong. Read and do the 180 religiously. Whether you end up wanting R or not the 180 will benefit you. It helped me tremendously with stress and sanity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yottazenzen

TRy said:


> Why are you paying child support then? Although you have no right to the money, it would be a big factor in determining that she would not need child support since you are getting 50%-50% custody. Stop the current divorce and refile right now. Stop being the nice guy, you are not the cheater that broke up the family. You will regret this in the future when your new wife must do without because you are sending money to your rich wife. You will also feel bad when your wife has more money (your money) to spend on your children than you.


She has agreed to lower the child support payments by about 37% / per month from what she is legally entitled to in my state. 

Also, it wouldn't matter about her future inheritance to a judge because right now she has zero income and no judge would allow me to not pay anything in child support to a woman with zero income. Even when she gets a job her income will be substantially lower than mine and in Texas, they try to balance the child support from the high earner to the low earner even if there is 50/50 custody.


----------



## yottazenzen

TRy said:


> In an earlier post you stated "how can her friends who knew about it while it was going on, look me in the eye? These people blow my friggin mind." In another post you also said "Some of her friends and family are aware. That is part of what hurts too. Some of them knew about it while it was going on and then could look me in the eye when I saw them. People scare the crap out of me." That is what the first guy's wife will be thinking about you when she finds you that you knew and did not tell her; you will be just like all the scumbags that did not tell you. Through your children you will always be family to her, and when she finds out, I can only imagine how betryed she will feel. For the rest of her life she will rightfully view you with great contempt. Not telling her shows that you have no respect for her as a person. Stop looking out just for number one, you are better than that. She needs to know just like you needed to know.




This is an excellent point which I have not considered; however, I gave them my word I wouldn't tell anybody and I will try to keep that word. 

Also, I do not have any respect for her (the wife of the second person my wife screwed) as a person. This woman is a serial cheater herself (8+ affairs). She's actually out of the country right now having an affair. She tells my wife everything about the affairs via facebook. 

She is a piece of crap of a person. This woman knew my wife was cheating on me and didn't say anything to me. She actually encouraged my wife to do it. So "F" her. I owe her nothing.


----------



## yottazenzen

the guy said:


> I would expose the crap out of this. You tried explaining your self but I don't get it......I have a feeling you are making assumtion about the OMW's.
> 
> Dude if it was me I'd look into it a little more. My thinking is who cares what the OMW's do with the info...but the info should be revealed and warning other is just the right thing to do....even if they stay on the train tracks as the train wreck comes there way.
> 
> So do your kids afavor and give there mother some consequences that my give her the motivation to be a healthier person by exposing the affairs.


Yeah, I struggle with this. I want them to know we are not moving just because "we are looking for a bigger house" or whatever. I want them to know how deep my wife hurt me. But at the same time, I don't want my kids to suffer in any way. Maybe down the road, I'll pay a visit to the old neighborhood and tell them something like, "We moved because XXXX just made some bad choices and hurt me very badly." and leave it at that.


----------



## iheartlife

yottazenzen said:


> She is a piece of crap of a person. This woman knew my wife was cheating on me and didn't say anything to me. She actually encouraged my wife to do it. So "F" her. I owe her nothing.


Well, that I can see. Still, why did they beg for secrecy?


----------



## Sara8

yottazenzen said:


> In the meantime, 60 days from now, I will be on the market ladies. 40 year old, loving dad, told I'm good looking, in good shape, funny, caring, and also....would never hurt you by cheating....


I am so sorry you have to be here on this board licking your wounds from your wife's selfishness. 

I too was totally blindside. Just days before Dday I was telling a friend how lucky I felt to have my STBEH. 

I belong to an in person support group that I can only get to once every couple of months due to distance and time issues. 

Still, It seems so many of the spouses saw themselves as lucky to have their spouse, until they found out about the affair behind their back, sometimes going on for years. 

Also, in that support group are people who divorced the cheater and then found someone so much better. Someone who shares their monogamous viewpoint and also wants to honor their vows.

One problem I see in society today and why cheating has been rising in the past ten years, is that their is no consequence for the cheater. 

In the divorce is the state is no fault their is none. 

There is one case, however, where an woman sued a boyfriend for giving her herpes and although the judge wanted to throw it out, it went to jury and the jury awarded her $900,000.

I think if more spouses sued, if they caught an STD from a cheating spouse, fewer spouses would cheat. 

In some states, a handful, a betrayed spouse can sue the other man or woman for alienation of affection. 

If more states would allow this, IMO, cheating stats would drop again, instead of rising.


----------



## Sara8

yottazenzen said:


> Her main thing was all about sex...she wanted it every day, several times a day if possible. I asked her if she would have left me if I had prostate cancer or what about when we're older and things don't even work? She said that that would be different because it wouldn't be my fault but I wonder...


I doubt think if you became ill and could never again perform sexually that she would have remained faithful. She would have used that as a reason to cheat. 

I always knew i would not cheat if my spouse had prostate cancer and could no longer function. My marriage vows said in sickness and in health. 

I also have numerous lady friends married to men in their 50s and some in their 40s who have erectile dysfunction. Viagra does not work for everyone and can be harmful to men with certain heart conditions

These lady friends remain faithful. On the other hand, my STBEH had too many males friends who were cheaters. 

I guess the saying "show me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are" is true. 

I would drop a friend or at least avoid them, if i knew they were cheating or single and banging a married guy.


----------



## yottazenzen

Sara8 said:


> I would drop a friend or at least avoid them, if i knew they were cheating or single and banging a married guy.


Yet her friends stick by her and are not disgusted by her actions. I cannot understand this. She tells them she didn't love me and that I didn't give her what she needed so I guess they all think that makes it all ok. I don't know. People are f'd up.


----------



## Sara8

TRy said:


> In an earlier post you stated "how can her friends who knew about it while it was going on, look me in the eye? These people blow my friggin mind." In another post you also said "Some of her friends and family are aware. That is part of what hurts too. Some of them knew about it while it was going on and then could look me in the eye when I saw them. People scare the crap out of me." That is what the first guy's wife will be thinking about you when she finds you that you knew and did not tell her; you will be just like all the scumbags that did not tell you. Through your children you will always be family to her, and when she finds out, I can only imagine how betryed she will feel. For the rest of her life she will rightfully view you with great contempt. Not telling her shows that you have no respect for her as a person. Stop looking out just for number one, you are better than that. She needs to know just like you needed to know.


Yes, Yot, I agree with this post, please enlighten the OM's faithful spouses.

They have a right to know, and they are being exposed to a deadly STD daily. All so that their spouse can have an extra marital thrill. Geesh.


----------



## Sara8

yottazenzen said:


> She has agreed to lower the child support payments by about 37% / per month from what she is legally entitled to in my state.
> 
> Also, it wouldn't matter about her future inheritance to a judge because right now she has zero income and no judge would allow me to not pay anything in child support to a woman with zero income. Even when she gets a job her income will be substantially lower than mine and in Texas, they try to balance the child support from the high earner to the low earner even if there is 50/50 custody.


Once she gets the inheritance, you can have the child support re-evaluated and lowered.


----------



## Sara8

yottazenzen said:


> Yet her friends stick by her and are not disgusted by her actions. I cannot understand this. She tells them she didn't love me and that I didn't give her what she needed so I guess they all think that makes it all ok. I don't know. People are f'd up.


Yot, it's right out of the cheaters handbook to rewrite the marital history to friends. 

They do this to cope with the guilt they are feeling and to NOT see themselves as the disgusting liar they have become. 

It's not your fault that she lied. She did it to protect her own image in her own mind. It shows she knows she was lying so has to justify it in her own mind.


----------



## happyman64

Yott,

You sound like a great guy and a great Dad. More importantly you sound like you were a really great husband that loved being married.

Your wife is pretty screwed up in her head.

Let me see:


Screwed her cousin for many months that is married too!
Screwed your neighbor who is married too!
Her family knew and never told you!
Her friends knew and never told you!
All these people knew and instead of being concerned for her well being they covered for her.

You know she had unprotected sex right!!!!

And you think she really knows how bad she has hurt you????

Yott, you do not owe her or her family a thing. This woman has blown up your life, her life, your marriage and her childrens world all for her own selfishness.....

And her answer is because she wanted sex everyday, multiple times a day. And she never communicated this with you before her A?????? 

Can you show me any fairness in this?????

Stop covering for her. 
Call the cousins wife today and let her know what went down!
Call the neigbors wife today and let her know what went down!

*I honestly think if my wife did this between the incest and cheating I would do everything in my power to have 100% custody of the kids. That is your decision.*

And oh yes, your kids will really start having issues when you move and "Mommy" is not there anymore.

What an ass your STBXW is. If I could buy her a 1st calls ticket on the Karma bus I would do it for her.

Can you even tell me why you would want to be friends with her? She washed 20 years down the drain with 1 year of diahrea....

My heart goes out to you and your kids.

HM64


----------



## yottazenzen

happyman64 said:


> Yott,
> 
> You sound like a great guy and a great Dad. More importantly you sound like you were a really great husband that loved being married.
> 
> Your wife is pretty screwed up in her head.
> 
> Let me see:
> 
> 
> Screwed her cousin for many months that is married too!
> Screwed your neighbor who is married too!
> Her family knew and never told you!
> Her friends knew and never told you!
> All these people knew and instead of being concerned for her well being they covered for her.
> 
> You know she had unprotected sex right!!!!
> 
> And you think she really knows how bad she has hurt you????
> 
> Yott, you do not owe her or her family a thing. This woman has blown up your life, her life, your marriage and her childrens world all for her own selfishness.....
> 
> And her answer is because she wanted sex everyday, multiple times a day. And she never communicated this with you before her A??????
> 
> Can you show me any fairness in this?????
> 
> Stop covering for her.
> Call the cousins wife today and let her know what went down!
> Call the neigbors wife today and let her know what went down!
> 
> *I honestly think if my wife did this between the incest and cheating I would do everything in my power to have 100% custody of the kids. That is your decision.*
> 
> And oh yes, your kids will really start having issues when you move and "Mommy" is not there anymore.
> 
> What an ass your STBXW is. If I could buy her a 1st calls ticket on the Karma bus I would do it for her.
> 
> Can you even tell me why you would want to be friends with her? She washed 20 years down the drain with 1 year of diahrea....
> 
> My heart goes out to you and your kids.
> 
> HM64



Yes, I know. I just want what's best for my kids and I feel what is best for them is to have a mom. She is very sorry for what she has done, though she still communicates with the cousin all the time. I just don't care anymore. I don't look at her in a loving way. She is just the mother of my children now. I think she has woken up a bit after all this and I think she will be a better mom. 

I think it does suck how 20 years of my life is down the drain basically and I wish she would've left before we had kids so I could've had kids with somebody who loved me and the kids wouldn't have to go through what my kids are going to have to go through.

She is the most selfish person I know. She only thinks of herself. I hope all of this makes her realize that she has two little boys who she should be putting first. She has said as much to me a couple of days ago and even though she is a proven liar and cheat, I think she may be telling the truth. 

As for telling the spouses of the other men, no good would come of it.

If I told the wife of the cousin, that's what my wife would want. Then she could marry the man after he got divorced. Also, if the members of her family that control the inheritance found out, they could write her out of the will because of it.

As for the neighbor's wife, I don't owe that piece of crap anything. All that would come of me telling her is she would probably beat the hell out of my wife. I don't want my kids to see that.

Sometimes, life sucks.


----------



## Shaggy

So what then? Do you become an accomplice in hiding the affairs? What about the next set of men? How far will you go to hide and cover it up?


----------



## yottazenzen

Shaggy said:


> So what then? Do you become an accomplice in hiding the affairs? What about the next set of men? How far will you go to hide and cover it up?


I just want out of her craziness. I don't want any kind of craziness to befall my kids. "F" her and these two a-holes. They mean nothing to me. I'm moving on. There's a bit more to the story but I will know more in a few days.


----------



## aug

yottazenzen said:


> She is the most selfish person I know. She only thinks of herself. I hope all of this makes her realize that she has two little boys who she should be putting first. She has said as much to me a couple of days ago and even though she is a proven liar and cheat, I think she may be telling the truth.
> 
> *As for telling the spouses of the other men, no good would come of it.*
> 
> If I told the wife of the cousin, that's what my wife would want. Then she could marry the man after he got divorced. Also, if the members of her family that control the inheritance found out, they could write her out of the will because of it.
> 
> *As for the neighbor's wife, I don't owe that piece of crap anything. All that would come of me telling her is she would probably beat the hell out of my wife. I don't want my kids to see that.*
> 
> Sometimes, life sucks.




And do you wonder why others did not tell you? They too can make up reasons not to tell you.

I think you should expose to all.


----------



## yottazenzen

aug said:


> And do you wonder why others did not tell you? They too can make up reasons not to tell you.
> 
> I think you should expose to all.


I think her friends that knew about all this didn't tell me because they are more her friends than mine and she probably spun it to be she didn't love me anymore so it was "ok" to be with these other married men. Twisted I know. Obviously, I'm not very happy with these "friends" of hers.

There is one outstanding issue that needs to be cleared up regarding all this (which I'll post about in a few days), after which, I just look forward to moving on with my life and spending time with my boys.

The other bad thing is all my neighbors are giving me the cold shoulder. I do not know what they know but it sucks if they think I did anything bad.


----------



## happyman64

yottazenzen said:


> I think her friends that knew about all this didn't tell me because they are more her friends than mine and she probably spun it to be she didn't love me anymore so it was "ok" to be with these other married men. Twisted I know. Obviously, I'm not very happy with these "friends" of hers.
> 
> There is one outstanding issue that needs to be cleared up regarding all this (which I'll post about in a few days), after which, I just look forward to moving on with my life and spending time with my boys.
> 
> The other bad thing is all my neighbors are giving me the cold shoulder. I do not know what they know but it sucks if they think I did anything bad.



Hang Tough Yott. I understand your position could be better right now.

If your wife is playing the neighbors against you that is not good as well.

Give us an update when you can. And if you need me to start a collection on TAM for you let me know.

I would gladly contribute to a "my wife is a *****" billboard for you. I'm sure the neighbors will get the picture.

HM64


----------



## yottazenzen

"Living well is the best revenge." -George Herbert


----------



## OldWolf57

YET, you noticed the neighbors giving you the cold shoulder. she has started hr smear campaign yot.


----------



## yottazenzen

OldWolf57 said:


> YET, you noticed the neighbors giving you the cold shoulder. she has started hr smear campaign yot.


She hasn't spoken to them. I know this for a fact. I think neighbors just speculate on their own. All they see is we haven't been outside for several weeks (we normally hang out outside in the evenings with the neighbors every night). They also see our house for sale. 

Some of the neighbors have seen the one neighbor my soon to be ex had the affair with coming over to my house when I was gone on business but he told them he just came over for dinner. I think the speculation would be on my wife, not me. I just don't understand why they'd be giving me the cold shoulder. 

The only thing I can think of is something got mixed up in all the gossip. Remember that telephone game you played as a kid? One person tells a secret to somebody else and so on until the last kid. By the time the story gets to the last kid, it has changed somewhat. :/


----------



## iheartlife

Or how about the neighbor OM spinning lies about you and your marriage?

Of course, it could even be that they know the truth, and it's too uncomfortable and they hate drama. Or they could be self-preoccupied and you are being somewhat paranoid because you think they all know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## yottazenzen

iheartlife said:


> Or how about the neighbor OM spinning lies about you and your marriage?
> 
> Of course, it could even be that they know the truth, and it's too uncomfortable and they hate drama. Or they could be self-preoccupied and you are being somewhat paranoid because you think they all know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It *could* be the neighbor OM spinning some stuff about me but I don't think so because he knows if I found out he was doing something like that, I have huge ammo on him.

I don't think they know the truth because if they did, they would feel bad for me, not give me the cold shoulder.

I don't think I'm being paranoid. I've lived next to these people for three years and they *always* wave back. Plus, this guy gave me a sort of disgusted look. 

My gut is telling me they know *something* but not the truth. I don't want to tell them the truth because of the explosions that would cause.

Oh, the things my STBXW has cost me.


----------



## squeeky

I am soooooo sorry for your pain. I too am feeling just as you do. Its so difficult to get through each day. My only saving grace is my daughter. She is the one I do everything for. I am finding out I need to be in control of my own life and not let others run my emotions. Harder said than done. everyone says time will heal. Time will only tell 
Good Luck and I will be thinking of you and your family as well. 
This forum is so wonderful to beable to share and know you are not the only family going through a terrible time. My marriage was also 20 years and I have a 9 yr old daughter and husband wants to leave after finding old x on FB. 
I can't understand how anyone would want to hurt thier children by leaving them, it happens?


----------



## yottazenzen

Update on my status:

Strength increasing. Instincts sharpening. Pain deadening. Laughing more. Crying infrequently. Thinking often. Optimism increasing. Breathing slower. Seeing clearer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OldWolf57

Why are you speculating why they giving you disgusted looks. Common sense say someone is spinning lies in the hood. So if these ppl are such good neighbors, why can't you just ask him why he is giving the cold shoulder. See, what you is not seeing, is they have end run you, probably saying you was cheating while out of town. So if you exposed now, no one will believe you. You here asking how her friends could look you in the eye and smile, well you didn't see it when your wife was doing the same damn thing. 

As much as you have learned about these ppl, you are STILL refusing to accept that they don't think like you. They have ENDRUN you dude. Your name is mud to the neighbors. Guarantee it. But you just keep on saying "I don't think so".

Good thing you are moving, so forget about coming back to HINT, nothing you say will be believed. SHE is D/ing you!!


----------



## I'm The Prize

So sorry that you are going through this. We all know how unfair it is. Your wife seems a little narcissistic to me. What parent would want to be saved before their child? It is all about her. It's all about what she wants. Just take care of your kids and yourself.


----------



## yottazenzen

Update:

Divorce is progressing. Still another 25 days or so until it is final. House is sold. New house purchased. Move in date a couple of days after divorce.

WS and I had a talk last night. I told her I forgive her for her two affairs but I don't accept any blame in her decision to have them. She had other choices. She agrees that she should've just left before the affairs occurred. 

She says the main reason for the affairs is that I didn't pay enough attention to her, tell her she was beautiful enough more often, etc. She's probably right up to a point. After 20 years of marriage, the same 'zing' is often not there. You forget to do things like that all the time. Plus, I'm a guy and I don't think about stuff like that a lot, I guess. I have feelings of remorse for not doing enough for her. 

Then these other two douche bags come along and say all the right things, and cuddle with her after sex, etc. and then that makes me look even worse probably. I told her that give them 20 years and see if they are the same but she doesn't really say anything.

I just have such confused feelings about all this. I still have feelings for her, I think that's easier to do once you've forgiven them. 

I just feel so bad for not giving her what she needed before she broke ranks and cheated. 

I'm feeling so broken today.


----------



## aug

yottazenzen said:


> She says the main reason for the affairs is that I didn't pay enough attention to her, tell her she was beautiful enough more often, etc. She's probably right up to a point. After 20 years of marriage, the same 'zing' is often not there. You forget to do things like that all the time. Plus, I'm a guy and I don't think about stuff like that a lot, I guess. I have feelings of remorse for not doing enough for her.


If she did not know she's beautiful and needs to be told, then she's going to be in a world of hurt as she gets older. External beauty is fleeting. And what she had done showed lack of internal beauty.


----------



## SomedayDig

It sucks what you're going through yott...but it really sucks that she still blames YOU for the reasons that she had the affair. Not telling her how beautiful she was or you like how she made your dinner that night or even asking if she wanted a drink when you got up...none of it ~ NONE of it is a reason for her to have sex with someone else.

She did that cuz she wanted to. Period.

Never, ever accept her words as she has spoken them in that context. Instead of getting her rocks off by banging some guy, maybe she could have mentioned that she wasn't happy instead.


----------



## yottazenzen

SomedayDig said:


> It sucks what you're going through yott...but it really sucks that she still blames YOU for the reasons that she had the affair. Not telling her how beautiful she was or you like how she made your dinner that night or even asking if she wanted a drink when you got up...none of it ~ NONE of it is a reason for her to have sex with someone else.
> 
> She did that cuz she wanted to. Period.
> 
> Never, ever accept her words as she has spoken them in that context. Instead of getting her rocks off by banging some guy, maybe she could have mentioned that she wasn't happy instead.


She did mention she was unhappy in the past. I also am fighting a chronic condition so my energy levels are really low and it's a struggle to get through a work day and come home and play with my kids. She requires a lot of attention and I think that I may not be up to providing all she needs.


----------



## SomedayDig

yottazenzen said:


> She did mention she was unhappy in the past. I also am fighting a chronic condition so my energy levels are really low and it's a struggle to get through a work day and come home and play with my kids. She requires a lot of attention and I think that I may not be up to providing all she needs.


Oh, I totally understand how you feel, man. Totally. However, in the end, your "short comings" (my words) do not bear on her decision. That is simply not the truth. 

Example: My wife, Regret on the forums, had to deal with me being a pilot and flying all over the place. Since I flew private jets it was usually someplace exotic or at least nice. She got jealous of my job because she had a regular job and then took care of our 2 kids while I was out on the road "having a good time".

Reality was, I didn't have a good time. I missed my family and I know she hated hearing it...but all hotel rooms look pretty much the same whether I was in France, Costa Rica or the Caribbean. My family wasn't with me and I missed them. 

She initially tried to use that as an excuse for her feelings of resentment. Now, almost 5 months after Dday, she recognizes that it was HER shortcomings that caused her affair and had absolutely nothing to do with me. Her. Not me.

Take care of yourself, man and just know that in the end - you're right - she is responsible for the affair. BUT...she really could have come to you if she felt slighted by your not being what she needed.


----------



## AngryandUsed

SomedayDig said:


> Oh, I totally understand how you feel, man. Totally. However, in the end, your "short comings" (my words) do not bear on her decision. That is simply not the truth.
> 
> Example: My wife, Regret on the forums, had to deal with me being a pilot and flying all over the place. Since I flew private jets it was usually someplace exotic or at least nice. She got jealous of my job because she had a regular job and then took care of our 2 kids while I was out on the road "having a good time".
> 
> Reality was, I didn't have a good time. I missed my family and I know she hated hearing it...but all hotel rooms look pretty much the same whether I was in France, Costa Rica or the Caribbean. My family wasn't with me and I missed them.
> 
> She initially tried to use that as an excuse for her feelings of resentment. Now, almost 5 months after Dday, she recognizes that it was HER shortcomings that caused her affair and had absolutely nothing to do with me. Her. Not me.
> 
> Take care of yourself, man and just know that in the end - you're right - she is responsible for the affair. BUT...she really could have come to you if she felt slighted by your not being what she needed.


Touched it with a pin, dear.


----------



## Shocker

Man 40 years young?! Try not to worry - one day you will be happier. Believe me man. Your ex is a piece of worm excrement for doing that. Treat her accordingly. Hard I know but forget her asap.


----------



## happyman64

Yott
Life will get better for you.

But I have to say your wife is going to experience a wake up call in the future. All the money she will be seeing will not replace you or your family.

She is in selfish mode. The A's did not satisfy her. Those are only temporary short bursts of emotion. 

You will see. 

Do not wait on her. You are young and will find someone that is honest and knows how to communicate their feelings.

Work on yourself so you are prepared for a happier future. Sadly, since your kids are young you will see plenty of the STBXW.

Watch and wait. You will see what happens.

HM64


----------



## yottazenzen

I spoke with her briefly tonight about how going back before her two affairs, before she said she emotionally disconnected from me, that there were things that may have 'turned' me off to her as well-she is very negative, you've heard of 'glass is half empty' type of people, right? She is 'there isn't even a friggin glass there at all' type of person. She is very vain. She is *****y and pessimistic. She wasn't the greatest housewife or mom to our children. 

There are several negative aspects to her personality. She does have good points too, don't get me wrong. I told her that these negative qualities may have played a role in my not wanting to be intimate 4-5 times a week with her. We averaged about twice a week (we've been married for 20 years and have two small kids). But despite all these negative traits, I still loved her and wouldn't want to harm her. I still was able take the negative aspects with the positive and fight it out for the marriage. 

Basically, I just said, that the point at which she checked out of the marriage was not entirely my fault. She had a role to play as well in it. I also said she had lots of choices instead of cheating, etc. and she said she brought up going to counseling (I don't really remember this but maybe once or twice she did, and me being a guy blew it off or something). 

I told her there's a world of difference between saying something and actually DOING something. e.g. she could have went to a counselor herself, left me as a trial separation, gave me an ultimatum, had a mutual friend talk to me, the list goes on and on. 

Also, she could have worked on herself a bit. Become more positive, etc. 

Bottom line, I know the affair choice she made was not my fault. She had other choices. I now feel the choice she made to 'check out of the marriage' prior to the affairs was not entirely my fault either.


----------



## iheartlife

You took the words out of my mouth. There is the view, amongst people who have been lucky enough not to suffer through infidelity, that the cheater was just getting their needs met. If only the loyal spouse had done more, the reasoning goes, there would have been no cheating.

But the flaw in that logic is that frequently the loyal spouse was putting up with a less-than-ideal marriage themselves. (Sometimes the loyal thinks there was zero wrong, and are entirely blind-sided.) But many times what you see is a marriage that was at a low point. One spouse cheated--and the other didn't. 

Why does the cheater get sympathy for simply 'meeting their needs' as if they were the wronged party? Where is the support for the loyal spouse who never dreamed of breaking their vows?

Yotta, if you want to focus on what you did that you aren't proud of, concentrate on how you'll treat someone in the future, and don't beat yourself up for the past. In your heart, you know that the frequency of sex and the number of I love you's would not have made a difference to someone who sounds like they felt entitled to some diversion from the ennui that constantly surrounds them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SoulStorm

You ,as a person, cannot make someone internally happy. They have to take responsibility for their own happiness. If you are happy with yourself..it is easy for others to bring you moments of happiness. To be eternally and internally happy is the responsibility of the individual.

If you require external validation, you have no internal validation and because you don't have it..you think someone can bring it to you.
That is delusional..you are responsible for your own happiness.
Your STBXW will need to learn and accept that.


----------



## yottazenzen

Update:

We told our 8 year old this weekend. We asked him what he thought divorce meant and he said that it was when you don't love somebody anymore. I told him that was partially true and that divorce never has anything to do with kids, it's always between the mommy and daddy. He just kind of looked at me, not saying anything.

I then told him that mommy and me were getting a divorce. He immediately flipped out and started screaming and crying. I held him and forced back tears while my wife sat there not saying much. What was weird was what happened next. He started kicking at her and hitting her and saying how it was all her fault and how he hated her. He screamed and yelled at her. I just tried to hold him tight. 

I can only assume he must have heard/seen things I did not. He's not stupid. He asked us why we were getting a divorce and I just said it a grown-up issue, nothing to do with kids and that we both love him.

He continued to freak out for about 30 minutes, then calmed down. I held him the whole time. After a bit, he wanted to be alone so he went into the computer room. When he was gone, my wife asked me if I was happy that he was blaming her and I said no, I just want him to be happy. 

After a bit, he came back and just wanted hugs from both of us. I then took him to a child therapist a couple of hours later and then we then took him and our 3 year old to eat and the movies and actually had a good time.

I think he's going to be ok. There really haven't been any major changes to his life yet...his mom still lives with us, etc. I plan on taking him to a couple more counseling sessions to be sure he pulls through as best as he can after bigger changes come (like when she moves out).


In other news, the wife and I agreed to no dating before we are officially divorced. I'm taking the kids out of town this weekend and I have a good feeling she has a date planned. Also, she said she was going to have a drink with one of our neighbors (a woman). I told her that wasn't a good idea. These neighbors are so damn nosy. We agreed to not say a damn word word to anybody out there and she can't keep her mouth shut and she's the one who cheated! I have no idea why she would talk to these neighbor women about anything. She gets mad at me when I say how screwed up it is that she does so. 

On an emotional level, I am beginning to dislike her more and more. I hate that she used me for so long and was planning on using me for longer until our 3 year old started school in two years (she planned to leave me 2 years from now when the 3 year old turned 5 and was in school). Who knows how many more dudes she would've banged in those two more years behind my back.

I hate that the person that had my back for 20 years, stabbed me in the back. Every time I look at her, all I see is a lying, cheating, vain, selfish, narcissistic, backstabber. 

I have bad days and not so bad days. I hope to one day be better but right now it's difficult. 

I am grateful for my job and my co-workers. Those guys listen to my bullsh!t everyday and offer support. Good guys. My family is also very supportive. 

Peace.


----------



## spudster

You are right: no way she will abide by the "no dating" rule. You were wasting your breath even mentioning it. 

Some people like a little sleaze mixed in with their salad greens, and your STBXW is one of them. Betcha your boy saw her bring another man into the house. Like you said, he isn't stupid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

:iagree:

Spuds right.

The sooner you detach the better.

And every quality you wrote about your wife is true.

The sad part is how lonely she will be in the future. People like her never will be satisfied with anyone because they are most dissatisfied with themselves.

Keep moving forward Yott. And protect your boys as best you can.

HM64


----------



## Left With 4.5

yottazenzen said:


> Update:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I hate that the person that had my back for 20 years, stabbed me in the back. Every time I look at her, all I see is a lying, cheating, vain, selfish, narcissistic, backstabber.
> 
> 
> 
> Peace.



I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am going through this too. I've been married 20 years and I recently found out he was having a PA/EA with his stupid high school girlfriend. And everytime I see my STBXH, I see the same thing: A lying, cheating, vain, selfish, narcissistic, backstabbing piece of you know what.


----------



## DavidWYoung

I still miss the woman I thought I married, but in just a few month, she became the woman your wife is. I am sorry for your pain.Just the other day I read something that said " The most important relatationship you will ever have is with yourself." Maybe, you should stop and think about yourself for a moment. You have done alot of great things in your life. Your boys, your job, the life you gave them. Maybe you can look at your goodness and push off her evil and understand that you are important too!


----------



## the guy

Man your right, your ex sure is negitive. Instead of having any concern for the boy she projects on you...what a piece of work.

Sorry for going off here but your boy should have never had to witness the things that went on in your house when you were out of town, and the thing your ex told him at that time are unimaginable...if you get my drift. Poor kid was manipulated by your ex and some one at that age shouldn't have to go thru that.

I just can't imagine what he saw and what was said to him, b/c we all know his reaction had alot to do with what he witnessed.

I also see your ex hasn't changed much with regards to the lies. Who is trying to kid with the no dating thing?

I'm just pissed and feel for you brother...soon she will now longer be your problem

You are a wise man and make sure the boy gets the help he needs, so please follow thru with that counseling. Your sons reaction is just horrible, and the thing your wife told the boy and what he saw at the time were just evil IMHO.

Sorry for the rant.


----------



## MattMatt

So... even your child of 8 knows she is in the wrong?

Oh... ****! What the heck did that poor boy see or hear?


----------



## lordmayhem

MattMatt said:


> So... even your child of 8 knows she is in the wrong?
> 
> Oh... ****! What the heck did that poor boy see or hear?


I would imagine he saw OM coming to their house and watching mommy and OM kiss and hug and go into the bedroom and lock the door. It would be terrible if he heard the sounds of his mommy with another man.


----------



## the guy

Thank God OP has the smarts to get the boys into some theropy.


----------



## yottazenzen

My 8 year old definitely saw one of the guys she banged over at my house when I was gone. My wife made the neighbor guy and my kids dinner! This piece of **** neighbor (who was at one point a friend) came over to my house and ate my food with my wife and kids and then banged my wife in my house. 

So, I know for sure the 8 year old saw one of the guys over at our house at least once. I was gone for 9 days and she said they banged every day for hours when I was gone so who knows what the 8 year old saw/heard. She even snuck out one night and banged the neighbor one time after banging me. I don't really ask the 8 year old what he saw/heard...he's been through enough.

The other guy I know about that she banged doesn't live here. She flew off to Vegas to bang him but she did engage in Video Chat sex with him right down the hall from where our kids sleep.

Also, I have no idea why any of her friends have any sympathy for her. It makes no sense.


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## Shocker

yottazenzen said:


> My 8 year old definitely saw one of the guys she banged over at my house when I was gone. My wife made the neighbor guy and my kids dinner! This piece of **** neighbor (who was at one point a friend) came over to my house and ate my food with my wife and kids and then banged my wife in my house.
> 
> So, I know for sure the 8 year old saw one of the guys over at our house at least once. I was gone for 9 days and she said they banged every day for hours when I was gone so who knows what the 8 year old saw/heard. She even snuck out one night and banged the neighbor one time after banging me. I don't really ask the 8 year old what he saw/heard...he's been through enough.
> 
> The other guy I know about that she banged doesn't live here. She flew off to Vegas to bang him but she did engage in Video Chat sex with him right down the hall from where our kids sleep.
> 
> Also, I have no idea why any of her friends have any sympathy for her. It makes no sense.


Dude that is so bad I'm doubting the truth of it. What in gods name are you doing with this she beast? Leave man.


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## SomedayDig

MattMatt said:


> So... even your child of 8 knows she is in the wrong?
> 
> Oh... ****! What the heck did that poor boy see or hear?


Exactly. 

I was moved to tears by that thread Yott...especially since I have a 6 and 9 year old. I'm not going through divorce, but oh my God, I could see my 9 year old son acting the same.

I am heartbroken.


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## OldWolf57

either her friends are cheaters, or, as you refuse to see someone has made your name mud. It defies all logic that between the neighbors and her friends behavior, you can't see it.


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## iheartlife

OldWolf57 said:


> It defies all logic that between the neighbors and her friends behavior, you can't see it.


Yep. I suspect she and the neighbor man are lying and saying you're an abuser. That is just my gut. I can't imagine neighbors giving each other the evil eye over stuff that has nothing to do with them unless it was something like that.

What I'm about to say is going to come off as icy cold, but I'm saying this because I believe you are being used in more ways than one. So please forgive me before you read this: I'm sure she's itching to have a drink with the neighbor ladies to give them the latest installment on how you made your son cry. 

If she's capable of banging multiple men / engage in explicit Internet chats at all hours with a child around, and sneak out after sex with you to get some more, lying about your character is easy peasy. She's done some pretty rotten things, and she's got to get her story out front so that you're the villain. Because if some of those people knew the truth, they'd be giving her more than the evil eye.


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## Kasler

What a disgusting woman.


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## MattMatt

lordmayhem said:


> I would imagine he saw OM coming to their house and watching mommy and OM kiss and hug and go into the bedroom and lock the door. It would be terrible if he heard the sounds of his mommy with another man.


Or he saw them, if she forgot to close the bloody door. Heat of the moment... he's in his room, he'll never know.


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## MattMatt

Shocker said:


> Dude that is so bad I'm doubting the truth of it. What in gods name are you doing with this she beast? Leave man.


Really, Shocker? This is mild compared to some of the stuff that's gone down with other BS who post here.


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## Romeo_Holden

She seems pretty despicable, there is not much left to say here other than that. You will feel like this for a while but believe me in the long run you will be glad you divorced her when you did. One thing I have learnt is that some people are simply not good and are not worth neither time nor tears. She seems like that


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## yottazenzen

Hey all. I'm standing around waiting to walk into the courtroom to finalize the divorce from this liar and cheater. Just a small update. I may post some of the more recent updates to her activities later but for now-divorce is almost over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shocker

yottazenzen said:


> Hey all. I'm standing around waiting to walk into the courtroom to finalize the divorce from this liar and cheater. Just a small update. I may post some of the more recent updates to her activities later but for now-divorce is almost over.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good for you!:smthumbup:


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## happyman64

Yott.

I hope you find peace.

HM64


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## warlock07

Good luck


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## yottazenzen

Thought I give an update on my status.

I'm doing much better than I was. We've been divorced since August and I have my own house and she has her's. There is still pain sometimes but I do ok.

I started dating a girl who seems really really good for me. She knows about the ex's behavior and is very understanding of my various insecurities. She is a very caring person who claims she would never cheat on me like my ex did. She's 38 (I'm 40) and she has one kid (I have two).

I just can't help sometimes think about her texting some dude or some **** like that. It pops in my mind every now and then. I assume this will pass at some point. Any support out there on this issue? I don't want to lose my current gf over some stupid **** my ex wife did.


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## SomedayDig

Sh-t happens. It happens to good people who are then left to deal with the emotional turmoil. It ain't f'ng fair one bit.

You're going to trigger. Even though you've been divorced since August and it seems you have an understanding girlfriend, that won't stop the PTSD that you will deal with for YEARS.

Just as reconciliation doesn't stop those dark thoughts in my head, divorce won't stop those dark thoughts in yours.

We've both been tainted. That kinda sucks moose balls pretty badly.


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## Silverlining

Thanks for the update,

You ex-wife is a disgusting piece of sh*t. What she did to you will takes years to get over. Be thankful that chapter in your life is closed. 
Your ex is equivalent to the village bicycle, everyone get to ride it.

The only advice I can give you is to be honest with the girlfriend. Let her know your non-negotiables and set boundaries. Open communication is the only way to a successful relationship. 


I don't think I would ever place blind trust in anyone ever again IMO.


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## yottazenzen

Silverlining said:


> I don't think I would ever place blind trust in anyone ever again IMO.


I understand what you are saying but if we can't give our heart to somebody fully again, then the relationship is doomed to fail, isn't it? What woman would want half of your heart? I think it is best to just say "f it" and take your chances.


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## Dad&Hubby

yottazenzen said:


> I understand what you are saying but if we can't give our heart to somebody fully again, then the relationship is doomed to fail, isn't it? What woman would want half of your heart? I think it is best to just say "f it" and take your chances.


Remember, your eyes, mind, gut and heart are 4 different things.

You can give you heart to someone, but keep eyes open.

You can love someone 100%, but be more in tuned to your gut.

You don't need to be constantly looking for your current GF to screw you over, but it doesn't mean you have to live in Oblivion-the land of people ignoring signs.

Give your GF trust until she shows you that you shouldn't trust. BUT don't be ignorant of pitfalls either.

There's being aware that problems can happen versus ACTIVELY LOOKING for them. There's a difference.

Good luck. I feel for you.


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## yottazenzen

I have decided to just say "f it" and go with the flow. If she cheats, she cheats-nothing I can do but be the best option she has by being bad-ass. I don't want to sabotage this relationship for something my ex did and plus there is no way my gf cheating could be any worse than what I've already been through.


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## LostViking

yottazenzen said:


> I have decided to just say "f it" and go with the flow. If she cheats, she cheats-nothing I can do but be the best option she has by being bad-ass. I don't want to sabotage this relationship for something my ex did and plus there is no way my gf cheating could be any worse than what I've already been through.


Here is an idea, and I'm just throwing this out: if you and your GF are getting serious,then why not get alone together with notepads and pens and each one of you write down a list of boundaries that you want each other to follow?

Then prioritize the list of things you wrote. Split them bewteen "non-negotiable" boundaries, and "negotiable" boundaries.

Then pass your lists to each other and talk about the boundaries you wrote down. If you disagree about some of them, then is the time to talk about why such boundaries are important to you or her. 

Toss out the lesser negotiable boundaries, modify the ones that you can agree to modify, and then on a separate sheet of paper number and list all the boundaries that you and her agreed to. Then the two of you both need to sign that list. This becomes your baoundary contract. Make a copy for each of you and have them framed and hang them on the wall. Memorise the list. Then when you or her step over a boundary, there is no excuse.


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## Chaparral

yottazenzen said:


> I have decided to just say "f it" and go with the flow. If she cheats, she cheats-nothing I can do but be the best option she has by being bad-ass. I don't want to sabotage this relationship for something my ex did and plus there is no way my gf cheating could be any worse than what I've already been through.


You have learned a valuable lesson. Never give anyone 100% trust and always be aware of what is going on around you...............you know............like a ninja.

The best people can and do go off the rails. We have had many posters here that have been cheated on by people that have been cheated on and know exactly what the pain is and they still dish it out. But..............it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

Me fiasco happened decades ago. Its odd that I think of her often but have no feelings for her at all except couriosity. Hear she is divorced. Well, la ti da.


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## terrence4159

yottazenzen you can trust again, my XW cheated on me and married the guy she cheated with (we had a 6 month old son) i meet my now wife 2 years after that been with her 7 years now and trust her more than i ever did the XW and trusted her from day 1


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## Dad&Hubby

terrence4159 said:


> yottazenzen you can trust again, my XW cheated on me and married the guy she cheated with (we had a 6 month old son) i meet my now wife 2 years after that been with her 7 years now and trust her more than i ever did the XW and trusted her from day 1


:iagree:

I divorced my cheating ex in 2003. Was moved out in 2002 (I made the fatal mistake of not being able to look at her so I moved out of the marital house, but at this point I wouldn't change anything). Dated for a few years. Met my now wife in 2004, became serious 2005, married in 2007 and wouldn't change ANYTHING. I found the BEST woman for me. I trust her 100%. Trust is about each individual person. I trusted NOONE until around 2005 or so.


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## thatbpguy

yottazenzen said:


> Thought I give an update on my status.
> 
> I'm doing much better than I was. We've been divorced since August and I have my own house and she has her's. There is still pain sometimes but I do ok.
> 
> I started dating a girl who seems really really good for me. She knows about the ex's behavior and is very understanding of my various insecurities. She is a very caring person who claims she would never cheat on me like my ex did. She's 38 (I'm 40) and she has one kid (I have two).
> 
> I just can't help sometimes think about her texting some dude or some **** like that. It pops in my mind every now and then. I assume this will pass at some point. Any support out there on this issue? I don't want to lose my current gf over some stupid **** my ex wife did.


Really REALLY nice to see you are doing well. 

Some guys let their wives (and vise versa) make total fools of them and they still hang on. You were strong.


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## DecentGuy59

Yotazz, i am new to this forum. But what you wrote is me, word for word. The wife sexting, only not with her cousin, a whole bunch of people from chatrooms. The naked pics, the pain, the weight loss, 28 pounds in three weeks. I forgot to eat. The no lawyer for her, the Nice divorce, her not raping me financially. She just was simply done with me and that really hurts bad. 20 years and all we've been thru meant so little to her she could just walk? wow.


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## yottazenzen

Hey Everybody,

Well, it's been about a year since all my crap went down with the now ex-wife so i thought I'd post an update.

I'm still with my gf that I met back in December. Actually, we just went to a cabin this weekend and had a great time. I really love her and she really loves me. 

When we got home last night, she was looking on her Facebook to confirm a friend request from my mom and there was some teenaged girl with a pending friend request. I asked who that was and she said it was her previous boyfriend's daughter and she just never responded to the request. 

This upset me a bit and I'm not really sure why. I guess it was because my ex did all kinds of hidden bull**** on Facebook when she cheated on me. I don't know. My girlfriend also had a guy on her Facebook that she had exchanged a couple of emails with back and forth (from a dating site) and she said once they saw each other's Facebook posts, they weren't really interested in each other.

I asked her to delete this guy and she did but I don't understand why she was still Facebook friends with him. I asked her and she said she just doesn't normally go and clean up Facebook friends or anything. She didn't think it was a big deal. She didn't try to hide anything so I don't know what to think. That was a while ago.

Currently, I'm having problems with what I think is called RetroActive Jealousy. 

Basically, I don't like the fact that other guys have had sex with her in her bed. I have these messed up images in my head she will leave me for one of them. I don't know what to do. She assures me I'm the best at everything and those other guys were losers, but really....what else would she say? She wouldn't say, you know what? 

I know it seems kind of high schoolish but I'm trying to work on this issue. She hasn't done anything wrong. Of course a 38 year old woman would have had sex with guys before me. I know my thinking is irrational but still...I'm having issues with it. 

Anyway, I thought I would post an update. Peace guys.


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## BK23

That's tough man. Jealousy is totally natural, especially after what you've been through. Stay on top of it though. You will definitely drive your GF away if you let it get out of hand.


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## Myka

Stop trying to blindly trust. You're not built that way now. Instead focus on reasonable trust. If your new girlfriend isn't sending up any real red flags let her be. Keep things completely open with her, and give her the opportunity to do the same.


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## yottazenzen

Myka said:


> Stop trying to blindly trust. You're not built that way now. Instead focus on reasonable trust. If your new girlfriend isn't sending up any real red flags let her be. Keep things completely open with her, and give her the opportunity to do the same.


I think my issues are more the jealousy than anything actually. Sucks.


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## Myka

yottazenzen said:


> I think my issues are more the jealousy than anything actually. Sucks.


I think you are trying to force yourself to blindly trust and it is causing "spill over". Try for reasonable trust. Tell her your issues with facebook, and give her the opportunity to help you trust her with it.


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## Myka

To say it another way. You know you have trust issues because you were so badly betrayed. Don't try to pretend you don't, then get in your girfriends sh!t because she making you uncomfortable. Instead tell her your issue and work out something with her that makes you both happy.


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## NatureDave

Quick question, 

Have you and your girlfriend clearly defined your relationship at this point?

What I mean is have you both enthusiastically agreed to be exclusive?

Have you clearly defined what that means? 

Sexually exclusive, but can still have dinner with a friend/ex/casual date?

No dates or outings alone with anyone else?

No calls/texts/FB messages with other men?

If you can't answer this question, then you need to have a talk with your girlfriend and see where you stand and clearly define where the boundaries are that are acceptable to both of you. If you can't agree, then you may have to move on.

In my case, my new wife and I were sexually exclusive for over a year but could still date others. I didn't chose to, as I had 50/50 custody of my kids and we were together nearly always when I was free. But, she did go out occasionally on the evenings that I was not free.

It was hard and I was patient with her for a while, but it finally got to the point where I needed her to 100% with me or we go our separate ways. She chose to part, but that only lasted for three weeks until she came back ready for the bigger commitment. We have now been happily married for eight months!

It was hard at times after being betrayed by my first wife, but my current wife was totally honest with her feelings and actions during it all so I never felt that I couldn't trust her.

Anyway, back to your situation...Since you are not married and may not have the iron-clad commitment to each other at this point, there is no reason she can't FB or text an ex or someone she had met through online dating. It's a good thing that your girlfriend is not trying to hide it or even understands why she might need to.

My current wife always felt she need to explore other options after 30 years in her previous marriage to make sure I was the one for her.


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## ArmyofJuan

yottazenzen said:


> I think my issues are more the jealousy than anything actually. Sucks.


Try to keep it under wraps. Jealousy = insecurity and that makes women run more than anything. 

It is what it is, don't take things too seriously and always be prepare to move on if red flags appear. I think your problem isn't so much about trust but about putting too much of yourself in a relationship. Look into co-dependency issue you may have.

You are you, you are not the relationships. Relationships come and go and that's just reality. You may go through a dozen more in the next few years before you find what you are looking for.


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## happyman64

Yott glad you are doing well.

And we all understand the trust issues. They will work out in time.

And you should really worry if you were dating a 38 year old woman that was still a virgin.
:lol:

HM64


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## yottazenzen

Hey everybody,

It's been a long time since I looked at this thread, but here I am almost two years down the road and I thought I would update it.

Most days I am doing much better. The main issues I face every now and then are self-esteem related. Being cheated on like I was, really did a number on my self-esteem. Some days, my self-esteem is fine. Other days, not so much. 

I find myself having a very negative self-image for the past few days. I can't put my finger on the exact cause. I think it may just be some sort of flare up. 

I'm still with my gf of over a year now. She is awesome beyond words and does her best to help me through my issues. I feel bad for even having issues to begin with which sort of feeds into a cycle.

Low Self-Esteem->feel bad for it->Lower Self-Esteem.

Did any of you infidelity survivors have low self-esteem afterward and if so, how did you deal with it?


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## tom67

That's good to hear overall.
Thanks for the update.


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## Lovemytruck

yottazenzen said:


> Hey everybody,
> 
> It's been a long time since I looked at this thread, but here I am almost two years down the road and I thought I would update it.
> 
> Most days I am doing much better. The main issues I face every now and then are self-esteem related. Being cheated on like I was, really did a number on my self-esteem. Some days, my self-esteem is fine. Other days, not so much.
> 
> I find myself having a very negative self-image for the past few days. I can't put my finger on the exact cause. I think it may just be some sort of flare up.
> 
> I'm still with my gf of over a year now. She is awesome beyond words and does her best to help me through my issues. I feel bad for even having issues to begin with which sort of feeds into a cycle.
> 
> Low Self-Esteem->feel bad for it->Lower Self-Esteem.
> 
> Did any of you infidelity survivors have low self-esteem afterward and if so, how did you deal with it?


I think we all go through phases of low self-esteem. It is ok. It is normal.

Your ability to recognize it, and discuss it with others is a huge step in the right direction. Don't let the voices in your head talk louder than those around you.

I fall into lows occasionally. It is a chance to reflect on my ability to survive. I have new people that love me by choice. My new wife is a huge help, probably like your gf.

Maybe the low is partially due to your environmental factors. Work stress, bad weather, diet, exercise, money, etc. all take a toll. Allow yourself some room to be human. When a spell hits, find a positive outlet preferably in an activity that allows you to focus, laugh, share, or have physical release.

Good luck. It is normal to go through lows. The key may be knowing that you are now ready to move toward some new highs.


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## LongWalk

You were very dignified during a difficult time. No one could forget your thread and the nastiness of your ex. Banging the neighbor while the kids were in the house – beyond the pale.

Is she in any sort of stable relationship? Has she ever expressed regret or remorse?

How are your kids handling it?


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## BobSimmons

yottazenzen said:


> Hey everybody,
> 
> It's been a long time since I looked at this thread, but here I am almost two years down the road and I thought I would update it.
> 
> Most days I am doing much better. The main issues I face every now and then are self-esteem related. Being cheated on like I was, really did a number on my self-esteem. Some days, my self-esteem is fine. Other days, not so much.
> 
> I find myself having a very negative self-image for the past few days. I can't put my finger on the exact cause. I think it may just be some sort of flare up.
> 
> I'm still with my gf of over a year now. She is awesome beyond words and does her best to help me through my issues. I feel bad for even having issues to begin with which sort of feeds into a cycle.
> 
> Low Self-Esteem->feel bad for it->Lower Self-Esteem.
> 
> Did any of you infidelity survivors have low self-esteem afterward and if so, how did you deal with it?


What causes one to have low self esteem.. the operative word is self.. it's not someone putting you down, it's not a group, it's you.

Do you have low self esteem because you were cheated on? Even though it wasn't your fault? So now you're putting that on yourself. 

Why not flip it around. You got cheated on, got rid of the cancer and have moved onto a wonderful women who makes you feel good.

Yes I've been betrayed and yes for a while I moped, walked around looking at the ground..but guess what, nobody gives a toss..all they see is a dude walking around with his head down, rewind the scene and you could be walking around with a bounce in your step whistling a tune and people would go wow, he's a cool guy and treat you in kind.

Enjoy your life and your woman. Use that to fuel the new self.


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## Lovemytruck

Here is a post that I read on TAM a few weeks ago:

An Overview of the Drama Triangle

It will give you a good perspective on the ups and downs we face after this stuff happens.


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## yottazenzen

@lovemytruck - Thank you for taking time to post this my friend. It made me feel much better to know that 1) I'm not alone and 2) I'm not a freak for feeling the way I do now and then. 

Again, thanks friend.


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## Lovemytruck

yottazenzen said:


> @lovemytruck - Thank you for taking time to post this my friend. It made me feel much better to know that 1) I'm not alone and 2) I'm not a freak for feeling the way I do now and then.
> 
> Again, thanks friend.


Anytime!


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## yottazenzen

LongWalk said:


> You were very dignified during a difficult time. No one could forget your thread and the nastiness of your ex. Banging the neighbor while the kids were in the house – beyond the pale.
> 
> Is she in any sort of stable relationship? Has she ever expressed regret or remorse?
> 
> How are your kids handling it?


Thanks for asking. Kids are doing pretty well. Ex has been with the same guy for over a year now and she seems stable which is good. She said she was sorry a a long time ago. I forgave her for my own sanity but I will never forget what she did. Especially the thing where she banged the neighbor guy in my house with my kids there. That is probably the one thing that pisses me off the most.


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