# Have I created a monster ?



## monster maker78 (Dec 16, 2013)

THIS WAS MY ORIGINAL QUESTION

When is ENOUGH really ENOUGH?
I've known my husband for 8 years. Married for 4.5 years now. Things started getting bad even before marriage. Just 10 months ago I find out he has had serious depression all his life. And suddenly my last 7 years with him makes sense. 1 year at start was good. 
I cheated on him online 4 years ago. After suffering 3 years of emotional battering and unavailability I succumbed to the escape route and kind words of online strangers. I'm not making excuses. I accept responsibility. 

He never spoke with me. Treated me with silence and my blatant attempts to ask his support cuz I had a miserable day at work were brushed off like an annoying pest. 
I wasn't emotionally. Sexually. Financially taken care of by him. He moved countries to be with me n couldn't find employment. So I attributed his grumpiness n sullen moods to him being a man not being able to provide for his woman. 
I have a super flash job and never once treated Like its my money or show any signs of dissatisfaction. To protect his ego I have silently suffered and since he's a deep sleeper have even stooped down to the level of talking to his sleeping body and put his arms around me and act like my monologue is a conversation. People might say, u should've told him how u feel. I did. He shooed me away. Not like a dog but like an adorable petulant child. 
I married him knowing how he's become. Hoping a job and his home ground would fix things. 
In the process after few months of marriage and still no support of any form from him I started looking for people to talk. I can't to my friends cuz my friends love him, adore him and think I'm blessed to have him. And in general I have created a lovely image of him to friends and family cuz I wanted him to feel comfortable in my home ground. 
Im decent looking and i get hit on by a lotta men. Also get hit on by women. I'm a bisexual. I started looking for anonymous help from strangers. Sometimes I visited psychic chat to help me with meditation and other stuff. Sometimes I went to dating sites. I never once tried anything funny with another man though I was tempted. Felt that would add Insult to his injury. But cheating is cheating. I know that. Man woman. Online. In person. Doesn't matter. But it felt good being able to talk. To connect. To feel excited. To get my self worth back. I don't blame it on my husbands coldness towards me. I blame it on my weakness and lack of strength to deal with it in a more ethical and pragmatic manner. 
I was caught.... And his heart broke but we fixed it or I thought we did until I find out 15 days ago that the last four years my husband has not been in love with me. And that explains a lot of his behaviour. And though I was busy bein upset with his attitude and coldness and sudden outbursts and emotionally attacking me I never knew my cheating was the problem (though his behaviour was the same even before I cheated). 
So the last 2 months I have been in his country cuz he moved here for job. This is his home ground. I'm the visitor. And things are still the same. So the excuse about him not having a job and him in my country falls flat. In the last 2 months we've had a million break ups. But I've never been able to let go. 

15 days ago he broke up one last time and said its not working and he cant make me happy and disclosed that he fell out of love and its cuz of my cheating. I took responsibility cuz this came as a shock cuz I thought that was dealt with. And BEGGED him to give it another chance cuz NOW I know what the real problem is. 
The last 15 days I've done serious research on how to fix stuff and how to be a good wife and how to accept him with all his flaws. How to deal with spouses depression. Allllll the how to websites and many psychological forums and websites and marriage counselling online. I'm working hard to use this last chance given to me. And I have been transformed into this wife that every man wants. The times we did have sex has been mind blowing cuz He complained he doesnt feel like i wanna have sex and i researched on how to make your partner secure in bed and feel craved for and applied it. When he complains to me. I take it into account and address the issue with online help on just plain love. 
He has said he has given US a chance and not me a chance. He says he wants it too and loves me and cares about me and bla bla. 
The last 15 days in reality feels exactly like the last 7 years. When I don't fix a prob it doesn't get fixed. When I don't Communicate he does not communicate. When I do not initiate he does not initiate. Last night I told him I am miserable. I am sad I am scared to come to him with any problem because i am afraid he might leave me. I was very vocal and communicative and I made it blatantly clear I need him to take initiative this time around. I said I have come to you with a grievance and will let u handle it whichever way u seem fit. 
There has been nothin that I did to hurt him. My logic is when u complained I acted swiftly on fixing it. And u say u want this jus as much as I do yet when I tell you I am miserable u do nothing about it. 
He has spent this whole day avoiding me or having minimal or irrelevant conversation about washing and shopping, gardening. This one time I wanna see if hell take the initiative to fix things. And like everytime these last 15 days I fear ill have to bring up the pink elephant again. 

We have a long distance relationship. Everyone is happy to blame the distance. But infact it is the close quarters that cause trouble. When he works all day long I miss him and I don't get to see his emotionally cold side. Today is Saturday. He's home and I havent stopped crying. 

Before you judge this MONSTER.... He's a good. Faithful. Honest. Kind. Pleasant man. He will win u alllll over in no time. I am the enemy cuz I am the only one who knows of his depression and bring it up and ask him to fix it. 
All the websites say if depression is fixed most times marriage counselling isn't even required.
I told him to go for therapy he sed he doesn't have money
I offered to pay for his therapy he said right now therapy isn't his priority and he has it under control. Or he says no therapist is open outside business hours. I know they r excuses but I cannot blame him for anything cuz it's his depression talking and not him. I leave in a month and at this rate nothing will even begin to get fixed and when I return its back in the usual groove until he decides he's done. 
He says its. 50-50 partnership and he wants it to work. But actions speak louder than Words. In the last 15 days since we agreed to give it a chance, I feel and know that I'm dragging this dead weight all by myself. 
I've never really wanted kids. He brought it up 2 years ago. I put my life on hold. Job on hold. Got medical tests done and in the process fell madly in love with the idea of kids with him. I got hormonal and went mad looking up names for kids and every mother baby site. Medical site. Then suddenly after 2 years of dreaming he says he doesn't wanna have kids now cuz relationship isn't stable. I agree but my hormones didnt. The rate at which he's showing interest in fixing US we will never be fixed and ill never get pregnant. 

I know for sure when he gets treatment eventually for his depression he will kick himself and regret how he treated me but by then it will be too late. 

Should I give up? Or should I grit my teeth and give it some time as I've already given So much. 
When should a person say.... Ok I've done everything I give up!




But that was on the 14th. On 14th night I finally gave in and asked him whats going on. He said he feels resentment about the fact that for once he made a well informed decision about parting ways and I guilted him to change his decision. And that's the reason the last 15 days he has consciously or subconsciously been a jerk. And that IT IS OVER NOW. 

I leave this country on the 9th of jan and I have not begged him back or even mentioned it. 
He has been preparing for this for 4 years and has moved on pretty fine. I feel winded cuz this is all a new feeling and though I'm putting on a brave front I'm not able to digest the unfairness of the situation. Theoretically, I know what to do but practically it's a Herculean effort to apply it. We both still love each other. And care for each other. But he thinks its time to move on and that I shudnt blame everything in depression and that he made the decision not influenced by depression and THIS was the real him and people change!!
He says he has lost the fight in him when in reality he has done nothing for the marriage has never been a good husband. I fought alllll the way. 
Maybe him stifling himself over my cheating episode and not properly tackling the issue was his way of fighting for it. When there's a problem he clams up and doesn't communicate. 

Since I mailed you obviously my situation has changed. 

What do I do now?? 


(I know I shud maintain my dignity and give him space and let it be cuz I was never happy anyway. I also know the whole 180 approach. But knowing is different from applying. )
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## monster maker78 (Dec 16, 2013)

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## monster maker78 (Dec 16, 2013)

Y won't someone help me with some....any advice???
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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Implement the 180 and let him go.
You cheated on him once, he has told you he no longer wants to be with you.
You say he has never been a good husband, Why do you stay with him?
Ask yourself this question.
Are you afraid of being alone? 
It is very difficult to let go of a relationship in which we have poured our heart and soul to make it work.

Go back to your country, be alone for a while, figure out what you want and let him figure out what he wants. 
Good luck


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Wait who is the monster in this story?


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## monster maker78 (Dec 16, 2013)

Guys... Thank u so much. Ever since I've been here n read forums I have been 180ing hard core. And making a point to note wee changes I spot. 
I have always loved myself a lot so I kinda is easy for me to rise up from being a snivelling pleading woman to standing tall and proud. 

I've been dressing n looking better. 
Have been jovial but not too enthusiastic with him
Playing games and shopping and going about my business 
Asked about his day matter of factly

We live at a friends place cuz we moved to this city just last month and I'm visiting his country for 3 months. So he'll move out of here next month when I go back to my country. 

Before I was the one sitting alone in da room sulking. Now I'm playing cards and goofing around with my mates while he's out smoking or drinking or gaming on his fone in da room. 
He offered me food off his plate but that's no biggie 
He asked me what I did the whole day 
Late at night he asked me if I had told my sister that we broke up. He shares a close relation with my sis. I answered in the positive and moved on to a joke about my sister and when the joke was done I said he shud sleep cuz it's late n said good night. 

We still love each other and care for each other so I'm not reading much into this. 
I sleep on the floor cuz the mattress in bad for my back but I did that even before break up. We in the same room. 

I'm getting him an Xmas gift today which I dun think is over the top or stifling. 

I have come to terms with the separation. I mean there still r things that prick my heart sometimes. Have a tattoo of his zodiac on me. Lil things like that. 

I'm not playing him or following the 180 like a deceitful way to trick him back

Yes am hurt. Yes he's wronged me. When I focus on how he's wronged me its easy for me to go "ah! [censored] it" 
Bu since I know he's a good man I find it easy to forgive him

Hence I'm achieving the balance of detachment with dignity and friendliness without suffocating. 
. Ive asked myself y I want him back and the answer is for all the wrong reasons which is why I'm finding it easy to move on after the 1st night of crazy crying. 
If he comes back ... I won't take him back unless he has already received professional help for his depression. 

He's told me this is the new real him. If that's him... I don't want him. 

I loved the guy he was. Guess he's right. People change. 
If he comes back to me the way he is now. Hah! My eyes are opened by the forum here.... I DESERVE BTR THAN A MONSTER LIKE HIM. 

I am a great planner and a winner. And I have been all my life. I have planned my life and organised and tweaked everything around this marriage and prolly one of the reasons y I'm clinging. And I see it as a failure not being able to save my marriage. 

But have thot long n hard. The man he has become doesn't make me happy at all. So my new approach is if he's back bloody well be a different guy. If he's not then well. Good riddance. 


Having sounded so brave...... In all honesty, I'm on a high wave now so I'm talking all high n mighty. I still have the lows and my vulnerable times. Everytime I think of our future plans and things around the house it even my fone which has our wedding pics and funny spontaneous pix I melt n weaken. 


It's work in progress. And on going struggle. 


As of now. I want him back. And when we wants enough to be back. Ill have the voice to say go get professional help. Cuz when I said that 4 days ago he asked me to sod off. 



Ur replies and wen te other threads tey give me confidence if not hope of a rosy future. Thank u alll
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