# Husband admitted affair, now what???



## inpainmom (Mar 4, 2010)

I am a first time poster and desparately seeking some advice. I caught my husband of 21 years in an affair. Around Thanksgiving, I found a hotel receipt. He made up a very elaborate lie that he went "crazy" and was going to get a prostitute but could not go through with it. Well, last week I found a text from a girl that he used to work with. *Who is also married!) He was her boss. He admitted the brief affair and now claims it is over. To make matters worse the time frame this was going on was when I was in the hospital having back surgery. I am devestated that he could do this, and am having a hard time believing he could have sex with another woman while his walk was in the hospital and could not walk!!!

He claims he loves me and wants us to make this work. Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I can't share it with friends because his job in the police department would be affected.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Please find someone to share with - we can help as much as possible. You are in shock now and I'm sorry to say more pain is to come. Just talk to each other. Evaluate if hi is sincere. And take the time to make sure you know what you want - BUT don't hurry yourself to DECIDE anything. Take it day by day for a bit. I'm 18 months out and still not making FINAL decisions about my life. Follow your instincts and talk with him. You deserve to work through yoru pain the way you need to. And DON'T let him make you feel you can't talk to people. Whatever happens happens - and if you talk to someone that impacts his life - well guess what? That's HIS gift to himself. He could have made a better choice and didn't. 
Just breathe. Take it minute by minute and trust yourself. 
I'm so sorry for your pain. 
We've been there.


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## inpainmom (Mar 4, 2010)

Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate your reply. It really helps to hear how others have handled it and that it is ok to hurt, cry, be angry. It seems like I go through the whole range of feelings all in one day. It consumes my thoughts 100% of the time. I hope that one day, something positive will come from this horrible experience. I am typically a very positive and upbeat person, but right now I don't know who I am.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Yep. That was me. I NEVER thought it would happen to me. Never. 

Just don't hold back. Anything you want to ask him, tell him, anything you just go for it.


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## inpainmom (Mar 4, 2010)

I know that you have been going through this for awhile. Has the pain lessened for you? What about the resentment and the lack of trust. Some people say that an affair can make a marriage stronger (I dont see how!) What has your experience been like?


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

That's a loaded question...
Do I wish it (well, all of them) never happened? Hell yes.
Its kind of world changing.
I say: I was married to "The Nice Guy" who always treated me like an A-hole. Now I'm married to an A-hole, who's always being the Nice Guy to me. 
So, its positive is blah kinda way?

So much truth came out about him that I might not have every known. And, damn it, I did share it with my friends. Truth became the absolutely most important thing in my life. And I couldn't keep this secret from my good friends. So, as a result they too see him in a different light - again, a gift he's given to himself.

I can promise you that I am now married to a much nicer person today. And a person that I know a lot better. That first H - well I guess he was a bit of an imaginary person. 

IF your H truly is remorseful and truly makes it clear that YOU are the love of his life, you may be rewarded with a gift of love from him that you haven't experienced before. 

Of course, I made it clear to my H at first that I was not decided about my next step. That I might very well be leaving him. And it was my truth to him. He got a VERY clear picture of our loss and had the time to ponder that before completely breaking down. This was NOT a game. I truly didn't know if I would stay. And mind you this was BEFORE I even knew everything that I later learned!

Time does heal - but scars are left, and today I am a different person, married to a different person.
Hope that helps.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Sorry if its not clear from what i wrote, but I am still married to him. Its just that he's a different person to me. Weird, but so is life apparently. ?


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## inpainmom (Mar 4, 2010)

It makes complete sense. I am glad that you have found happiness again! Good for you! It is funny that you speak about truth. For some reason, I want to know all the details no matter how hard it is to hear.

I am not making any promises. He set up counseling and I hope to have a clearer picture of my current situation and to have the strength to look at my future with my eyes wide open.

Thank you again for your support. I really need it


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## inpainmom (Mar 4, 2010)

I want to believe that it is over. I really think it is as I made him call her in front of me and tell her that I knew about the two of them and that there is to be no more contact. If that remains the case, he told her that her secret would be safe and I would not tell her husband. (I don't want to hurt anyone else. Plus, it would also affect my husband's job as he works on the department as well.) I just wanted to make it clear to both of them that no matter how innocent their contact is, it needs to stop completely.

It is hard right now for me to believe everything as I have been lied to for so long. I begged him to tell me the truth the first time, yet he continued the lie and was very convincing so my trust has really been destroyed.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

It is a great sign that he set up the counseling. For a guy to do this... big step. (No offense guys!) And that he's an officer... even bigger in my book. 

I'm hoping you (not sure how to say it...) have a positive outcome. Its tough stuff. But its also incredible how many people experience this. 

Just after finding out I'll never forget this...
I just had to get out - away from home for a bit. I went to a local shop - marshals or something. I walked around is a foggy haze, surrounded by others who - I noticed - looked like they might just be in the same haze. It hit me like a rock. We're all different. But damn it all, I just knew that at least 1 or 2 other people in that very shop at that very moment were there for the exact same reason as me. 

Its very humbling. And here I am to help you today. ?


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## inpainmom (Mar 4, 2010)

LuvMyH- No he was transferred to another unit right after this happened. So, that is one good thing. I know that he really loves me and I truly believe that he is sorry! One of my biggest issues is he cannot tell me why he did it. It is so out of his character and I thought that we were better than ever. (Now, I was having major problems with my back leading up to my surgery.) I always made time for him and he took very good care of me. He explained to me that he was two different people. He thought that I would not find out and nobody would get hurt since she was married too. That scares me because I don't get how he could do it. I also know that he would never admit the truth until it was staring him in the face. I know he is a good person, but I am really questioning everything in my life. Has he done it before and I just never found out, and how do I know that he will never do it again. I would rather end it now than for this to happen again in a few years.


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## inpainmom (Mar 4, 2010)

I really appreciate your posts. It helps to know that others have gone through this and lived another day!

I am sure that you will get the bounce back in your step. It sounds like you guys really changed for the better. I hope that each day it keeps getting better and better!

Thanks again for your support.


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