# Am i just being paranoid



## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

I know no one can tell me if my partner is cheating but i just want some advice in to wether i am right to be suspicious.

It all started probably about a year ago when my partner of almost 5 years was on the computer late one night i was asleep, I woke up and heard typing and when glanced up saw what looked like a chat room box. I can't be sure thats what it was as it was a small window in corner of the screen. I let it go didn't mention it as i wasn't sure and wanted to trust him.

Fast forward to about 3 months ago we had both been drinking i had had to much so went to bed, he came in to the room and went on to a chat room and started typing i asked what he was doing he clicked it off and said nothing. i said why was you in a chat room and he was adamant he wasn't. Told me to look at history which was clear but he had time to delete it.
After a big argument where he kept saying i was wrong and too drunk to see it properly. He admitted the next day he was on one but only to ask a question about a football video and he never had before gone on one.

Now i did think the excuse was pathetic but at the same time i tried to let it go as i don't want to beleave he would cheat on me.

So now i still can't quite get it out of my head so last night i tried to stay awake and he was typing something while playing a game which i think don't require keyboard (football manager) ive never played it before so don't know for sure. When i looked up he would stop typing and would just hear mouse clicks.

So am i just paranoid? He has cheated in the past not on me but in past relationships plus he has gone off sex quite a bit over the past 6-7 months. 

I really want to trust him but i am finding it hard to do so.
He is 31 i am 29.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

At some point it is not about cheating but it is about the way your partner in a relationship handles your concerns about your life together. I would put more emphasis on how he responds to your concerns and how he treats you and how that feels, than on what he is actually doing.

If what he is doing is completely innocent (right!) and he is just checking a football game...and you ask him about it because you are troubled by the timing and his behavior being covert...and he reacts badly, then that's a huge issue in a relationship. 

A normal person who is interested in marriage and healthy relationship would understand that what he is doing is hurtful and creating unnecessary suspicion and causing you stress and anxiety. He would be more open about what he is doing. 

I personally don't think it's all football games, though he may look at a football game or whatever in order to be able to lie better (he can be justified in making the statement if it's PART of what he did).

If it doesn't feel right and it also doesn't feel right the way he responds when you talk to him about it, that is the issue. In a marriage, within reason, each partner is respectful of the other's emotional, physical and financial health. 

There is no law or rule that says you are a bad person for not trusting someone who is behaving in a way that does not seem trustworthy. I would say you are being smart by not trusting him.

My H was upset because after 4 years of lying to me, he wanted to be trusted. I explained to him that this was not reasonable. Then he said to me, I didn't WANT to trust him. Well, everyone wants to be able to trust their spouse, but first of all is being able to trust themselves to do what is right for their own life within the marriage. You can't sacrifice your peace of mind in a marriage for something like wanting to trust someone who isn't acting in a way that promotes trust. That's not good caretaking of yourself. So don't feel any guilt. Yes you want to trust him. You have good intent. But in this instance, trust is misplaced. Everyone needs to have a certain amount of mistrust, even in historically trustworthy people. Because everyone is capable of developing mental illnesses that cause them to act oddly, everyone is capable of getting into scrapes and wanting to hide it, etc. If everyone went around trusting each other, who would be watching our backs when we got into trouble or continued to do things that were bad for us? 

Try to see being appropriately distrustful, or questioning how you value your trust and where you use it, as an emotional asset, rather than an achille's heel.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Charlotte - can you not just ask him what it is that he's doing? If he's hiding something, then he's definitely up to no good, and this could range anywhere from facebook chatting someone to live sex chatting someone. Or anything in between. No matter what he's doing, if he's hiding it from you...NOT good.


----------



## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

I can ask but know he won't tell the truth if its something he shouldn't be doing. 
Like when he was on the chatroom that he finally admitted to it took so long and he was very convincing when he was saying i was wrong. If i hadn't seen it so well that night and had just had a glance then the way he was saying i was wrong i would have started to beleve that.
Not sure now tho how to prove anything i am sure all history will be deleted and i don't have much access to computer anyway.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

charlotte2 said:


> I can ask but know he won't tell the truth if its something he shouldn't be doing.
> Like when he was on the chatroom that he finally admitted to it took so long and he was very convincing when he was saying i was wrong. If i hadn't seen it so well that night and had just had a glance then the way he was saying i was wrong i would have started to beleve that.
> Not sure now tho how to prove anything i am sure all history will be deleted and i don't have much access to computer anyway.


Keylogger if you really want to know...but use that as a last resort.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Football chatroom my ass - first time in a chatroom my ass - he's lying. More specifically he's gaslighting you - trying to convince you you're crazy for being suspicious or worried. I have no idea if he's cheating on you or not but I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that he wasn't in a football chatroom and that it wasn't his first time. If it was football why take so long to admit it? If it's all above board why clear all the history? Do you know why guilty people act suspiciously? BECAUSE THEY'RE GUILTY. 

If he had nothing to hide and you asked he'd respond with some variation of, "look, see here's what I've been doing." Not with denial and by trying to gaslight you. If you see and smell smoke and someone holding a match tells you, "that's not smoke it's fog. Smoke? You must be nuts - what smoke?" Would you say, "Okie dokie - guess it's fog - thanks," or would you keep putting two and two together and investigate. You're instinct is telling you something is off - justifiably - or else you wouldn't have posted here. Listen to it and keep investigating. Like I said - I have no idea if he's cheating or not - but there's something he doesn't want you to see....


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

charlotte2 said:


> He has cheated in the past not on me but in past relationships plus he has gone off sex quite a bit over the past 6-7 months.
> 
> I really want to trust him but i am finding it hard to do so.
> He is 31 i am 29.


To quote President Reagan, "Trust but verify". Everyone has their weakness. Temptation is always with us. Not saying anything is going on but it is good for the future to show an interest and ask to see for yourself.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If I were you I would develop a sudden interest in football (Go Packers!!) and ask to become VERY involved in his online football life.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> If I were you I would develop a sudden interest in football (Go Packers!!) and ask to become VERY involved in his online football life.


Good idea!! (Well except for the Packers part - WHO DAT BABY!!)


----------



## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

Thankyou for the replys and for making me not feel so paranoid.
I know the football excuse was rubbish its just hard to prove that at the time when i was saying i don't think so the only answer was i am sorry haven't been on there before and won't again but that was the reason and its not my problem if you can't trust me.
I guess i am scared to see the truth which is why its taken this long to start to really question it again.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Charlotte...be more scared of *not* knowing the truth...

It's not his problem that you don't trust him? That's basically throwing it in your face. And it is SOOOOOO his problem...after all, who else's? The mail man's?


----------



## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

He says it is my problem i don't trust him as he hasn't done anything.
I do admit i have trust issues with him but that has to do with his cheating in the past which i didn't find out about until quite late into the relationship. Before i knew he had cheated before and he had told me he had never cheated before i trusted him, now i know he has done it before i can't help thinking he will do it to me.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

It is his problem as well...many people believe that if they are not actually having sex with someone else, that it isn't cheating. In my humble opinion, any type of secrecy within the marriage is a betrayal, and betrayal contributes to trust issues.

So your husband was dishonest bout his past? Boy does this ever remind me of my husband...he has never cheated on me, either. But I don't trust him farther than I can throw him.


----------



## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

Yes when we 1st got together he told me he had never cheated before and never would he couldn't stand cheats etc.
A year and a half in to our relationship just after i had gave birth to our child i found a diary type computer entry which didn't make good reading but was all bout his past cheating.
When i showed him he said yeah i lied because i ain't like that now even tho some of it happened a couple of months before we got together.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Many people have trouble being truthful, especially if they think they will be met with harsh criticisms/opinions. But it's not an excuse...Having been on both sides, I must say that it is always easier to just be upfront about things from the start. Liars always end up looking like fools. Nothing attractive about that.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

charlotte2 said:


> He says it is my problem i don't trust him as he hasn't done anything.
> I do admit i have trust issues with him but that has to do with his cheating in the past which i didn't find out about until quite late into the relationship. Before i knew he had cheated before and he had told me he had never cheated before i trusted him, now i know he has done it before i can't help thinking he will do it to me.


Charlotte,

With all the electronic communication available these days, the definition of "cheating" is not as clear as in days past. If someone chats online with an opposite sex person who is not their spouse are they cheating? That depends on a lot of things like what they are chatting about and how may times with the same person. One thing I can say for sure is that the spouse doing the cheating always has a much wider definition of what is OK than the partner being cheated on. His idea of not doing anything may be a lot different from yours and that's why you need to know.


----------



## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

ok so not just paranoid. 
The day i started this thread i checked computer history and there was nothing.
Last night i was in bed again and could hear him typing i lay listning for a bit and every 30 secondsish he would write something then click off of the page and back onto his football game page. After about 7-8 times of this i sat up and said what are you typing,
he said 'its just a game and it shouldn't matter.'
i asked which game and he said 'second life' a virtual world game where he goes just to explore a huge online world made by other members.
I asked if i could see what he had wrote and he imidiatly closed the window.
Then he got angry saying it shouldn't matter and he only didn't tell me about it because of how i reacted to the chat room incident.
He says he wasn't there to chat to anyone and when he was talking it was because he was stuck and needed help.

He then went on how he wishes i could trust him and that he would never be looking for anyone else and would never go on there again.

So thats how it is now he said sorry and he just didn't think.
What i don't get tho is why he closed the chat window if he had nothing to hide he said it was because he was angry at me for being so accusing.

So anyone know anything about second life?


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I have heard it's a complete virtual world...some have been known to spend hours and hours living there, ignoring their real world...not the healthiest thing to do, unless of course, you can keep it under control.

BTW - there are also virtual relationships in there, too...


----------



## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

Yeah thanks candiegirl have been reading up on it a bit. It don't sound great especially the way he closed the chat window as soon as i asked to read it.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well since you confronted and he was not forthcoming then your next option is to do the following


drop the subject and let him get "comfortable" thinking you aren't watching him, but in the meantime download a keylogger onto the computer- do NOT tell him what you are doing, if you find something out do NOT tell him how you found out (in fact come back to TAM's CWI section and post what is happening, there are many people who have gone thru the same thing who can help you)


----------



## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Keylogger if you really want to know...but use that as a last resort.


:iagree: Though I say don't wait and just use it now :smthumbup:

Why wait around to find out the truth when you can discover it right away? You've already been suspicious for a year now... the time has come.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why even bother with snooping?

He's being shady. He's closing windows. YOU KNOW he's doing something wrong. Why get proof? 

Be done with this fool. He's not to be trusted. He proved that with lying about being a cheater.

But yea, Second Life is pretty creepy. People get MARRIED in there....and have lives as such. Weird.


----------



## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Snooping gives you proof! You need proof to have ammunition. Sometimes your gut can be wrong... I don't think risking ruining a relationship based on suspicion is a sound strategy. Innocent until proven guilty so they say...


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So in the meantime just live with someone you don't trust. Someone who is sneaky and feeding you bullshet. Hiding things. Be paranoid of everything the person does. Live with anxiety and shot nerves. Awesome.

If it comes to the point where you have to snoop and install things on a computer, the relationship is pretty much dead already. Don't you think?


----------



## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

No I don't. Because oftentimes we're our own worst enemies and our minds play tricks on us and we make incorrect assumptions. We have insecurities that lead us to make bad decisions sometimes... Hasn't your gut ever led you down the wrong path? Or do you think you're 100% correct all the time?

Are you willing to just risk it all on something so big without proof? I wouldn't be...


----------



## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

Thankyou everyone. Just feeling very confused right now. I do agree that if you need to start using keyloggers things are not looking good but at the same time what if it was innocent (i know a very big if).

In saying that i wouldn't even know where to start with keyloggers and have very little time on pc when he isn't around. 

I also think it may be a while if he was to do anything after being caught last night.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Bottled Up said:


> No I don't. Because oftentimes we're our own worst enemies and our minds play tricks on us and we make incorrect assumptions. We have insecurities that lead us to make bad decisions sometimes... Hasn't your gut ever led you down the wrong path? Or do you think you're 100% correct all the time?
> 
> Are you willing to just risk it all on something so big without proof? I wouldn't be...


If there's no trust, there's no relationship.

He says one thing but does another. He's not trying to build trust either. He's being shady. What is to question?? He's not trustworthy.


----------



## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Regardless, you don't just walk away from a relationship without proof. If you do, you're just as dis-credible for making an assumption as the other person is for acting shady. It could be anything he's trying to hide... maybe he's on Talkaboutmarriage.com and doesn't want Charlotte to know! My wife doesn't know I'm here – does that make me shady and untrustworthy? Should she divorce me over it??? I don't think I'm a bad person or husband for being here and not telling her. Just one example...

I think it's awfully foolish to walk away from a relationship under assumptions w/o proof. I can hear the divorce court trial now...

Judge: "What grounds are this divorce taking place upon?"
Charlotte: "I think my husband is cheating on me."
Judge: "You think or know?"
Charlotte: "I think, I have no evidence though..."


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

:rofl:

So if your wife asked what you were doing (on TAM) would you slam your computer shut and saying "nothing! It's just a game!" 

You don't have to tell your spouse every single thing you do. Wtf? This isn't prison, I'm not a child.

Whatever. You do your marriage your way and I'll do it my way  I prefer to trust and not snoop. If she's wrong, then what? She has to explain why she has no trust in him because he obviously doesn't think his behaviour is wrong.

lolllll


----------



## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

Well I have just one thing to say, in situations like this, trust your gut feeling. Because your brain will only look at the suspicious side of it while your heart won't want to believe that its true. You'll stay confused forever.
Trust your gut feeling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lastor (Dec 11, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Keylogger if you really want to know...but use that as a last resort.


You know what? This is going to gnaw at you and keep gnawing at you. The fact that you posted and got some feedback is pretty good. It has some calming effect and also makes you feel active in doing something about it. 

It sounds like even if you tried to install this Keylogger, you may have problems because you're not computer savvy. Norton or some firewall will detect it, and he'll find out what you tried to do.

But you've said too much too him too soon already, so he's on high alert. If you can, let it go for a while and act totally cool. Be patient. The situation "will" present itself again. Just be patient.
It doesn't seem like he leaves the house and goes galavanting around or else you would have said something. So if he's having an emotional affair with someone on the internet, that's still very painful for you.
If that were to be true -- and I sincerely hope that it is not -- what would you do? Think about that before you do anything else. How far are you willing to go if you find something out?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you want to know what he's doing on the computer install a keylogger that sends the logs to an email (one that he does not have access to) or to a website. 

This way you can see what he's up to without getting on his computer. 

If you do this have a plan for what you will do if you find something like him cheating. Do not just get a bit of evidence and confront him.. have a plan.


----------

