# Am I worried about nothing?



## jjwestern (Jan 18, 2012)

Ok, so my wife and I have been together for over 10 years. Married for 6. 2 kids. 

We already have trust issues from various little things here and their. Lots of little lies, usually about insignificant things. 

One big thing was about 4 years ago, I found out she was staying up at night and playing Scrabble on MySpace and chatting with an old friend from High School. Apparently they started with dirty chatting and even exchanged explicit photos of eachother... I confronted her and she seemed pretty mortified and apologized for days. I guess she told the guy I found out and he killed himself.

She pretty much stopped trying to "make it up to me" at that point... and I guess I just forgave her because of the situation and as far as I know, nothing physical happened.

Anyways, so we have trust issues. 

Recently I found out that she got pregnant several times in High School. Miscarried twice and had an abortion. 

Also she'd had a relationship (sex) with several of her friends, that we used to hang out together with (when we first started dating) even though she said she'd never been with any of her friends. 

Also that she told me she'd never gone down on a guy before me or had done anal with anyone before me, all lies. 

I guess I can understand about that last one.. I mean, it's not like OMG, but when added with everything else it's just a little on the top. 

Am I allowed to be upset about stuff that happened before we got married? Started dating?

I guess the pregnancy stuff upsets me more than anything because we have kids and she never mentioned anything about being pregnant before. 

And god do I feel stupid about her friends... I mean we all hung out together and I'm thinking these are some cool guys, whatever. They all used to hang out without me. Now who know what to think about anything that might have been happening. They're all thinking "Yeah I banged your girlfriend, but hey want another beer buddy!".......

I haven't said anything to her because we argue enough as it is and I think if her reaction is something I don't agree with, it would push me over the edge. I would hate to end our marriage and submit our kids to that life if I was just overreacting.

I would appreciate any of your feedback.

Thanks.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

jjwestern said:


> I guess she told the guy I found out and he killed himself.
> 
> She pretty much stopped trying to "make it up to me" at that point... and I guess I just forgave her because of the situation and as far as I know, nothing physical happened.


Did you two ever talk about how his suicide impacted her? I can imagine it would be difficult to talk about considering her indiscretions but at the same time you seem extremely non-chalant about that. That must have been extremely traumatic for her.

I can understand how it would be difficult considering all her other lies, etc. But still. The guy killed himself. She probably went through a lot after that.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you actually verify that the OM off'd himself? It sounds very dramatic and also likely a lie to get your sympathy.

Oh, btw I wouldn't trust anyone with her history. She obviously had no problem at all humiliating you infront of her former FWBs. Was it some of these guys' that knocked her up?


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## jjwestern (Jan 18, 2012)

Blanca said:


> Did you two ever talk about how his suicide impacted her? I can imagine it would be difficult to talk about considering her indiscretions but at the same time you seem extremely non-chalant about that. That must have been extremely traumatic for her.
> 
> I can understand how it would be difficult considering all her other lies, etc. But still. The guy killed himself. She probably went through a lot after that.


No we never talked.. She never even told me. I found out from someone else. I know it effected her, but there's no way I was going to bring it up.

It's hard to relay feelings through text, and I'm sure what I wrote seemed like I didn't care. It took me a long time to get over someone taking their life over my wife. So I'm sure it took her much longer. 

I just had no idea how to bring it up when she was not saying anything. 



Shaggy said:


> Did you actually verify that the OM off'd himself? It sounds very dramatic and also likely a lie to get your sympathy.
> 
> Oh, btw I wouldn't trust anyone with her history. She obviously had no problem at all humiliating you infront of her former FWBs. Was it some of these guys' that knocked her up?


Yes. He lived out of state and I read the article about it on their newspapers website, after a friend told me. 

Not as far as I know. Although I don't know who one of the fathers was.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I can quite imagine what youre going through. Never knowing which one of your present friends had once had her. I have similar things (but nothing like this kind). My wife has talked to people about our marriage and told them private things and I will never know who they are or who they have told further. It makes me very wary of certain people and perhaps all for nothing. I know that someone told a story about us without mentioning our name but enough that the person hearing it knew it was us and came to ask me. 
I cant really see any solution for you. I would divorce.


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## ArmyWive12 (Jan 19, 2012)

Have you both tried counseling? Maybe talking to someone else or having someone there to act as a mediator between the both of you would be good. This way you can both be open and honest and not feel attack by one another. And if this don't help and you still feel the same way taking sometime apart to think things through might help.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I wouldn't have issues with her life before I came into it, but I would have problems with the lies about it and big problems with the affair.
I'm also wondering why you even asked her about her past.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

jjwestern said:


> I found out she was staying up at night and playing Scrabble on MySpace and chatting with an old friend from High School. Apparently they started with dirty chatting and even exchanged explicit photos of eachother.


 This is a big thing. You are not worried about nothing. The fact that the OM killed himself after she broke it off, allowed her to rug sweep and not show true and full remorse to you. The other lies are also a big deal. Marriage is based on trust and you have good reason not to trust her.


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## jjwestern (Jan 18, 2012)

Does the fact that I had to snoop and spy to get any of this information offset anything that she's lied about. 

I don'w want to use our trust issues as a crutch for reading things I usually would have no business reading... 

As you can tell I'm obviously not feeling positive about a potential confrontation.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sounds like you're afraid of her.

What was her childhood like?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Does the fact that I had to snoop and spy to get any of this information offset anything that she's lied about.


If you're worried about how she's going to respond to your actions, then don't even bring up what you know.

If you want resolution, then her response to your actions are irrelevant. You know what you know, and you can choose to ignore it, or expose it and her.

IMO liars don't get any special treatment or kidd gloves. I'd be more pissed off that she was untruthful to me. Someone she should have more respect for, and not feel that she has to resort to lying to for fear of what I will say or do.

My anger over being lied to would trump anything she could throw at me.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

jjwestern said:


> Does the fact that I had to snoop and spy to get any of this information offset anything that she's lied about.


 The fact that you snooped to find out about the cheating is not an offset for cheating in any way. Your spouse has no right to privacy in cheating. Every cheater tries to play this card. Do not let them even start to go there.

The law assumes no right to privacy between spouses. As a spouse you legally have a special relationship with your spouse. Communication between spouses is privileged and spouses cannot be compelled to testify against one another. You are even legally responsible for each others financial actions based on this assumption. This use to be obvious, but new technology has blurred this for some.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

jjwestern said:


> Does the fact that I had to snoop and spy to get any of this information offset anything that she's lied about.


No. She lied and you found out. If you snooped because you had suspicions it is a valid reason. In marriage there is no secrecy or lies. If you were just paranoid for no reason whatsoever and have a history of bugging your girlfriends' cars, homes, computers, etc then it is a problem you need to address within yourself.

OK, I can relate to some of what you wrote about your wife's past. Before we got married we had the talks about our pasts. Now 30 years later I find out hers was substantially different than she represented to me.

The things I have found out about include some details and some generalities. I don't know which of her male friends she did, so I wonder about some of the guys we hung out with and like you what were they thinking. And yes it bothers me some of the stuff I have found out she did. Part of what bothers me is that she refuses to do those things with me, and they are normal things like sex in a car, and others are a little more unrestrained but not even to the level of anal (which I personally have no interest in).

The bottom line is that you are finding out that she is not who you thought she was. She did stuff which might not have been a big problem had you known about it. But you find out now about these things and it shakes the basis of your perception and beliefs about her. So those things bother you more than they might have otherwise, because they emphasize the falsity of what you have believed.

The other part is very important too, and that is the lies. The dishonesty makes it all worse.

Yes I think you should be worried about her dishonesty. There is a pattern here of substantial lies about substantial things. She worries more about protecting herself than respecting you.

As to the guy committing suicide, I hope you both know that he didn't do it because of her or the pictures. He was mentally ill and did a crazy thing. You and your wife have no blame in the matter at all.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It's reasonable for a woman to lie about her past ****tyness to her prospective husband. My view is you do no good whatsoever dragging this information out of her. She is the mother of your children. You chose her. If all of this stuff was so important to you you had every opportunity in the 6 years prior to chidrren to find out everything you needed to know. You didn't do it. You now have kids, who need a family, the past is long over so you should live in the present. You must conquer your insecurity.

Cheating is a very different thing. In your marriage there are two unaddressed issues. 1. What were you not giving her that caused her to cheat. 2. She clearly must have unresolved guilt over both cheating on you and being responsible for someone's death.

My suggestion is counseling to resolve the unaddressed issues.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Hicks said:


> It's reasonable for a woman to lie about her past ****tyness to her prospective husband. My view is you do no good whatsoever dragging this information out of her.


Hicks, I really disagree with your philosophy. I think a woman should voluntarily divulge really important stuff like teen pregnancy, miscarriage, and abortion. It can have a substantial affect on her medical situation and ability to have children in the future. And, it does reflect her accurate history. A man should ask what he wants answers to, and she should honestly answer them. Or she should say she refuses to answer them. She should not lie. Some things he may never think to ask, yet it is important information about who she is and which may affect the marriage. 

The prosepective husband has every right to be fully informed. And vice versa, the prosepective wife has every right to be fully informed about her future husband's history.

They can each choose to not ask about things which are not important to them.



Hicks said:


> Cheating is a very different thing. In your marriage there are two unaddressed issues. 1. What were you not giving her that caused her to cheat. 2. She clearly must have unresolved guilt over both cheating on you and being responsible for someone's death.


She alone is responsible for her cheating. Whatever mistakes jjwestern made in the marriage, he in no way "caused her to cheat".

I agree she may have unresolved feelings of guilt. Guilt for cheating is deserved, and they can work to resolve those. Guilt for the guy's death is misplaced and needs to be exorcised. Therapy is the best bet for all of this mess.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Hicks said:


> It's reasonable for a woman to lie about her past ****tyness to her prospective husband. My view is you do no good whatsoever dragging this information out of her. She is the mother of your children. You chose her. If all of this stuff was so important to you you had every opportunity in the 6 years prior to chidrren to find out everything you needed to know. You didn't do it. You now have kids, who need a family, the past is long over so you should live in the present. You must conquer your insecurity..


Maybe its common for a woman to lie about her past, but I don't think it is reasonable. When we go through the decision process as to whether to pursue a relationship, we decide based on what we know about her. At the time, if the OP knew that she had slept with these common friends, but chose to make him believe that she didn't ... well, she'll obviously lie if its convenient. That's a fact that might raise a few red flags. Who cares about the past, I know, but this happened while he was with her. Lettermen might even put it in his top ten list as great ways to humiliate a guy.

In one respect, the OP has conveyed what he fears to be a critical flaw in their relationship. I think he fears that the harsh reality is that trust is probably not something that he should bank on, at a minimum, going forward. He's afraid that he is going to hear exactly what he needs to hear from her to keep things running smoothly. Trust will be something that she doles out on her own terms.

Personally, I think its okay to choose to toss aside the politically correct assumptions that make us feel mature, sophisticated, and accepting. Or at least but them in the proper cubbyhole, and deal with the underlying issue that the OP is needing to explore. There is nothing refined, or sophisticated about trust. Its gained in stark, black and white terms. You have it or you don't, unless you are a paranoid individual. Lay it on the table, but tell her that you want to be able to leave the past in the past. It doesn't have to matter going forward, but trust does matter. Does she consider it appropriate to avoid telling him things that might make him feel ashamed if he knew, while they were together as a couple? Did she assume that the unrevealed medical procedures would have no impact on their ability to have children in the future? Can he trust her not to pursue future emotional and possibly sexual relationships when she uses social media?

And, contrary to popular opinion, cheating doesn't imply a fixed connection to a husband or wife not meeting the needs of a cheater. Its an optional pattern that is sometimes involved. Some people just enjoy the pursuit of new lust. Others just find it easier than working to fix the problems. Marriage is about mutual responsiblity, and not a person's responsibility to keep another from cheating.


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