# I feel no desire to talk to my wife.



## 20matc11 (Mar 1, 2011)

I have posted on the boards before but they are kind of chopped up so here's a brush up on the back story: 

Married just over 4 years (end of July 2011). Dating 3 years prior. Met in college. After I took a job about an a hour away from my family and two away from hers she moved in with me for six months but couldn't find a job that used her degree so she had to take servering jobs. She was really frustrated with work and being away from her family. So right before we got married I found a job ten miles from her family and we moved down there. The job was horrible but she found one she liked. Both at one point wanted to go to grad school so the decision was made for me to go back. Found a job to pay for school and cover the bills besides rent which she picked up. 

My work schedule was always an issue and adding more time away for school made her feel even more neglected and alone. So she started flirting and eventually became physically involved (one time, but doesnt consider it connected to the flirting) with a coworker. I tried to give her more affection and thought the sex (lack of was her biggest issue) was getting better but I kept finding evidence that she was not trying to cut off communication with him. A couple of days after sex that I know satisfied her I found another picture she had emailed to him that day while I was at work. That was pretty much the end of our sex life though obviously not of actually being married. After that we were going back and forth with neither one of us wanting to take the drastic step of filing but it was like a big game of chicken with her yelling that she hates me, saying she doesn't know what she wants, and actually telling me I cant understand how pissed off it makes her to be in the same room with me. 

I finally brought dissolution forms back which she was not happy with and in my usual pattern I backed off and suggested trying a separation. Separated just over 1 month. She found a duplex with a year lease closer to her work but farther from her family, but expected me to find an apartment with a six month lease so I could once again move back in with her if we resolved things. I couldnt find one and didnt actually have money to move in anywhere because of bills I had to pay so I'm a 30 year old living with his parents. 

We have been in contact and tried a rather awkward dinner out. More often its her texting me that starts the conversation. I have initiated conversations about bills and other things in my name, like her phone, and we've been able to work those minor things out. 

My issue is that I don't really feel a need or want to talk to her. I dont think its out of spite or hatred, I'm not sure what I feel right now. I just have no desire to be in contact with her. I dont know what it will take to get me out of it or if I should even be waiting for something. Just looking for a bit of advice and common experience.

~John~


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

You don't have to want to talk to her. it's best that you are moving on and in time will be able to start fresh with someone else with good boundaries.

Hopefully you have learned a lot about your self. I don't believe relationships remain close or stay good without a lot of effort and attention. If you're married, the marriage must come first, and careers and study are very important, but marriage is for life and should all ways be the first priority. Her cheating is on her and she owns that but the other problems in the marriage you own a big share of.

So hopefully you have gained a lot of insight and will move forward a better person.


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## 20matc11 (Mar 1, 2011)

Thank you for the feedback. I was just trying to see if other have had this feeling and how they dealt with it. Had not meant this post as pointing fingers, but you got right down to the heart of the matter and have shown me the errors of my ways. 

Perhaps I should have moved closer to her family. Being twenty minutes away while I was more than an hour away from mine is still quite a sacrifice on her part. 

Maybe I could have tried to explain it better to her, other than making a schedule of when I would be at work and putting it on the refrigerator, before we got married that most of the positions I could get in my profession require a lot of nights and weekends. 

Maybe I could have been happier spending every weekend I wasn't working of the first year of marriage at one of her family's get togethers, that were mandatory or SHE would consider me an *******. 

I didn't really need to go back to school in an attempt to become qualified for better paying jobs so we could afford the things SHE wanted, while she was complaining that she never had any money and calling me a burden on her. Or drive over two hours round trip almost everyday to work a job so I could pay the bills she says I wasn't contributing towards. 

I really should have cried more while I was APOLOGIZING TO HER for causing her to cheat. I could have even offered to take the pictures that she was sending her boyfriend or think of clever replies to his text messages, sent on the phone I was paying the bill for. I should have voluntarily given full body massages every night instead of just neck, foot, and back rubs on demand. 

Wow, there are so many ways in which I could have improved my efforts. Thank you for showing me the errors of my ways.


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## LostJB (Aug 3, 2011)

Well, I don't really think that was what Syrum was getting at, but its a tought time so get your anger out how you need to.

I am definately in the same place as far as not want to talk to my H. I actually think I have better days and feel more optoistic when we dont talk. However we have a 3 yrs old son and I'm pregnant so we do have to communicate. He does the same things, texting me or calling me because I am his best friend and I'mthe only one he can rely on. 

I'm slowly getting to a place where I'm ok with leaving him behind. He isn't making it asy on me, but its forcing me to create the boundaries. Which is good. 

You are not to blame for her Affair. In any way. She is not not taking responsibility for it yet. Someday she hopefully will, but until then her attitude will be "poor me", acting as if this all just happened to her and she didn't make the choices to bring it here.

We all know that we are not perfect, and our relationships must have been missing something for us to get to the divorce forum. But we aren't at a place where we can worry about that. Yes its worth thinking about and hoping to avoid those things in future relationships. But when a spouse goes elsewhere to get what they are missing, it is THEIR bad decision. 

I know in my circustance, there were things I was unhappy with and I never voiced them. But I was happy in my marriage. I would never have strayed. I would have dealt with the imperfections forever. 

My mom actually said it best, the day I filed. "This is your independence day". Since my D-day (2.5 mos) I have thought back and allowed others to shine light on things that weren't good in my relationship. Those things weren't deal breakers for me, but I will try to avoid them in the future. 

I agree that its a good sign that you don't miss her. It means your preparing for handling this in a helathy way. Good luck to you.


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## 20matc11 (Mar 1, 2011)

Thank you for letting me know this is a normal reaction. Its not even so much that I am trying to ignore her or avoid her. Its that I'm just numb to everything right now. I had to move back in with my parents (at 30) to save up money for an apartment but I don't feel any rush to move out. 

I am supposed to be getting an apartment (with a 6 month lease) 20 miles away from where my W lives right now but there are places up near my parents probably 30 miles away (that would most likely require a years lease) that I would like to look into, but again I really don't feel like making any big life decisions at the moment. 

I just want to get out from between feeling crappy about myself and the situation I'm in and not feeling anything at all. I'm tired of getting slammed by everything for so long and just need time to rest. Unfortunately this is the busiest time of the year for me work wise so for the next month and a half I wont have much of a time to rest and think. I need help.


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## WTSM (Aug 27, 2011)

20matic11 you do need help! We all do! But that's ok. You can only own what you controlled. You DID NOT make her cheat. That's B.S.! When she signed a year lease that something loud and clear. I'm glad you didn't cry in front of her. She doesn't deserve your tears, just your true emotions. Give yourself a break. If she wants to be with you great - but if not - there is nothing you or I can do about it. Sounds like you love her, just like I love my wife - but you can't make them want to love you.

Keep your head up and enjoy the time with your parents.


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