# How long does it take to get over losing your partner to someone else ?



## Mr Sad

Well it's been almost 2 years now since my wife left me completely out of the blue for my best friends older brother after 30 years of marriage together.

We are in the process of getting a divorce and my daugher and myself will have to leave the family home in the new year as my ex want's her half of the house.

I have been seeing a very nice woman for the last 11 months and yet i still get sad and depressed and think about my wife every day.

so my question is why after all this time do i still feel so down and will i ever be able to move on properly?


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## EleGirl

It can take a few years. Everyone is a bit different. 

Besides seeing someone, what have you been doing to make a new life for yourself?

How old is your daughter?


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## Mr Sad

For the first few months I did nothing as I was devastated however I'm now back to performing magic and doing abit of weight training however I did those things when I was married too.

Our children are all grown up however due to my wife's cheating it has destroyed our family and caused a split with my ex wife and eldest daughter on one side and my son and youngest daughter who lives with me on my side.


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## Marc878

Do yourself a favor if you haven’t and cut off all contact with her. That’ll help.


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## Mr Sad

We haven't spoken in almost 2 years as she had a restraining order put on me so that's not a problem.I doubt we'll ever talk again.


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## Spoons027

You can move on, but it takes some active thinking to do so. The fact that you don't have contact with her is a good start.
Try this: when thoughts of her start to form in your mind, imagine a giant stop sign. Sounds silly, yeah. But it will keep you from spiraling into darker and more depressing thoughts. Let yourself feel but don't ruminate.
I recommend giving Chumplady's "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" a read if you haven't already. Or read some of her posts to remind yourself why you got out in the first place.


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## Lostinthought61

are you selling the house?


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## sokillme

Took me about 2 years. But every day it got a little easier.


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## Livvie

I'm sorry to have to say this, but I really feel for the woman you are dating. Does she know how much you are not over your marriage/ex?


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## manowar

Watch youtube videos An Ear For Men -- Paul Elam.

You'll get over it in four weeks amigo. Promise!

Download and read The Manipulated Man -- ester vilar. Lift the self-imposed fog. It's on you to understand and adjust. Let me know if they have an impact on you. Rooting for you!!!!


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## Mr Sad

Livvie said:


> I'm sorry to have to say this, but I really feel for the woman you are dating. Does she know how much you are not over your marriage/ex?


Don't get me wrong I would never get back together with my ex and my relationship with the new woman is a lot more than just a fling.

I was with my ex for a very long time and was put into this situation where I'm having to start over again at 55 years of age, I have made huge progress from where I was originally but I still have no idea why my ex left me after a lifetime together and u didn't get any closure.

Due to her cheating I have quite low self esteem and big trust issues now.
When I'm with my new partner I'm happy and go out of my way to make her happy, we're always laughing in each others company which I believe is a good thing.

However I can't help but feel like a failure when I look back at what I always thought was a happy marriage, if we had been having lots of arguments and thing's it would have made things easier I believe but when it comes from nowhere its a massive shock to the system.

I just want to be able to wake up and not think about the past and to be positive about the future but its proving to be very hard.


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## jonty30

Mr Sad said:


> Don't get me wrong I would never get back together with my ex and my relationship with the new woman is a lot more than just a fling.
> 
> I was with my ex for a very long time and was put into this situation where I'm having to start over again at 55 years of age, I have made huge progress from where I was originally but I still have no idea why my ex left me after a lifetime together and u didn't get any closure.
> 
> Due to her cheating I have quite low self esteem and big trust issues now.
> When I'm with my new partner I'm happy and go out of my way to make her happy, we're always laughing in each others company which I believe is a good thing.
> 
> However I can't help but feel like a failure when I look back at what I always thought was a happy marriage, if we had been having lots of arguments and thing's it would have made things easier I believe but when it comes from nowhere its a massive shock to the system.
> 
> I just want to be able to wake up and not think about the past and to be positive about the future but its proving to be very hard.


Was there a time when she was constantly mentioning something that she eventually quit mentioning because you weren't as responsive as she wanted you to be?
I wouldn't worry about closure. There really isn't such a thing, because there are always new questions that come up.


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## Mr Sad

jonty30 said:


> Was there a time when she was constantly mentioning something that she eventually quit mentioning because you weren't as responsive as she wanted you to be?
> I wouldn't worry about closure. There really isn't such a thing, because there are always new questions that come up.


Theres nothing that comes to mind.
I do believe if the man she left me for hadn't have been coming into her place of work that we would have still been together.

She's always put that particular family on a pedestal and probably couldn't believe her luck when he showed an interest in her.

Unfortunately for me she's cheated on every partner she's had but I made the mistake of thinking we had something special.


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## jonty30

Mr Sad said:


> Theres nothing that comes to mind.
> I do believe if the man she left me for hadn't have been coming into her place of work that we would have still been together.
> 
> She's always put that particular family on a pedestal and probably couldn't believe her luck when he showed an interest in her.
> 
> Unfortunately for me she's cheated on every partner she's had but I made the mistake of thinking we had something special.


Just get down to business. Just divide the assets and move on with your life. 
Her constant infidelity means that you probably didn't do anything to drive her away. She cannot commit to a single man.


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## Mr Sad

jonty30 said:


> Just get down to business. Just divide the assets and move on with your life.
> Her constant infidelity means that you probably didn't do anything to drive her away. She cannot commit to a single man.


I am trying to do just that and im getting there slowly I just wished I felt better about myself.

That said there are people worse off than me I suppose I need to be grateful for what I've got and should try not to over think things.


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## jonty30

Mr Sad said:


> I am trying to do just that and im getting there slowly I just wished I felt better about myself.
> 
> That said there are people worse off than me I suppose I need to be grateful for what I've got and should try not to over think things.


You'll feel better about yourself, when you understand that you have value as a human being and not because somebody outside yourself has determined whether or not you have value. Your STXW is a failure of a woman and her opinion of you should not count for anything.

As some have suggested in other threads, do the 180. That means doing things for yourself. It's a great time to do things like new hobbies or cooking classes.
If you find a new lady, it will be a real pleasant surprise for her that her new man can cook really well.
Get fit.
It's time you served yourself for a while, instead of being oriented to serve another.

You're much better off without her. Her karma is coming. It gets harder for an older woman to find a committed relationship than it is for man.
You have the advantage now, as there are many women out there around your age who really regret blowing their first committed relationships and pray to God for a second chance with a man.
Look forward to brighter days.


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## Mr Sad

Thanks Jonty and of course everyone else for your comments its much appreciated.


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## rugswept

Think of the time scales involved: you had built this M in over a 30 year period. Compared with 30 years, 2 years is a short time to recover. There is so much to undo and unwind as a result of the time scale.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Mr Sad said:


> _*Don't get me wrong I would never get back together with my ex *_


You probably would - in a heartbeat - if she asked you. And that is so utterly sad that you would.

Truth is, she'd never get back with you because she took out a *restraining order *on you which means you were acting obsessively enough to frighten her and she had to get the law involved. So it's safe to say you'd never get back with her because you know she'd never ask.

I too feel bad for the woman you've been stringing along for 11 months while you pine for someone who couldn't even show you the respect most of us show the common dung beetle. Seriously OP, you've been crying over some POS who doesn't give a rat's ass about anyone but herself. How much MORE of your life do you intend to waste on her????

Find your pride, find your dignity, and find your self-respect. Sadly, if you had those, you wouldn't have a restraining order against you and you'd probably be much further along in your healing instead of wallowing in your loss day after day after day after day after day after day after day.......


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## SunCMars

Mr Sad said:


> I was with my ex for a very long time and was put into this situation where I'm having to start over again at 55 years of age, I have made huge progress from where I was originally but I still have no idea why my ex left me after a lifetime together and u didn't get any closure.


Those loyal soldiers are always the last ones to die.
Bleeding profusely, their bodies fail them, long before their stoic will enters into the next life.

Failure is the hardest to swallow for those having a so-narrow acceptance of it.



_King Brian-_


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## TBT

She left 2 years ago, but you and your daughter have to leave the family home. Why is that and is it something that you want?

I divorced many years ago and on a rare occasion I still look back with a little sadness, but it goes away rather quickly. Occasionally feeling bad about things in our past is part and parcel of being human, but time can mute the intensity.


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## AGoodFlogging

Have you had any professional support either from your doctor or a counsellor? I suspect what you are feeling are the effects of the trauma of what your ex did to you and your family. You very well could have depression as well.

If you aren't already you really need to look at your mental health for your sake and the sake of your family and those who are important to you before it gets worse.


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## Emerging Buddhist

You have so much more control over this than you are giving yourself...

Selling the house is a blessing, an act of acknowledgement that the past is not in our control and a true form of closure as it validates the ongoing change in our lives you cannot clearly see if you stay anchored to the past.

55 years old and starting over after 30 years of marriage is not starting over, it is recognizing at times impermanence yields different results and accepting that. It feels a lot of your sadness roots in a time of your life and an image of your marriage that may be the way it is remembered by your perspective alone. We all see things differently, we respond differently, and we grow differently yet it is in that growth that we learn.

Some learn to let go of healthy things and make poor choices, others respond by recognizing that letting go is the healthiest things they can do in their life knowing they did the best they could at the time.

If your heart still hurts, holding on to things that have not been forgiven may be a necessary place to recognize. It is easy to feel taken advantage of, disposable in a relationship that we have no choice in the way it ends but the truth is that we are always going to be disposable to some people and it is not how we are discarded in relationships, it is how we forgive ourselves and others when it happens.

We all contribute to the ebb and flow of relationships, but there comes a time when we say "I did my best but in the end I forgive us both, this cannot hurt me anymore" and when you know this truth you can live your life with far fewer regrets.

You had planned this life you had for many years... time to let go of it so you can accept the one waiting for you.


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## Hopeful Cynic

Mr Sad said:


> Don't get me wrong I would never get back together with my ex and my relationship with the new woman is a lot more than just a fling.
> 
> I was with my ex for a very long time and was put into this situation where I'm having to start over again at 55 years of age, I have made huge progress from where I was originally but I still have no idea why my ex left me after a lifetime together and u didn't get any closure.
> 
> Due to her cheating I have quite low self esteem and big trust issues now.
> When I'm with my new partner I'm happy and go out of my way to make her happy, we're always laughing in each others company which I believe is a good thing.
> 
> However I can't help but feel like a failure when I look back at what I always thought was a happy marriage, if we had been having lots of arguments and thing's it would have made things easier I believe but when it comes from nowhere its a massive shock to the system.
> 
> I just want to be able to wake up and not think about the past and to be positive about the future but its proving to be very hard.


It takes time, and perhaps more intervention than you have given yourself so far.

The concept of closure is a difficult one. We want to understand things before we move on. But she isn't going to give you closure, so you have to create it for yourself.



Mr Sad said:


> Theres nothing that comes to mind.
> I do believe if the man she left me for hadn't have been coming into her place of work that we would have still been together.
> 
> She's always put that particular family on a pedestal and probably couldn't believe her luck when he showed an interest in her.
> 
> Unfortunately for me she's cheated on every partner she's had but I made the mistake of thinking we had something special.


Clearly, your closure is to accept that she is a user and a manipulator, and not very deeply invested in anything but her own advancement. She used you as long as she could, but when she perceived something out there was better for her, she went for it. Without him, sure, she might still be with you for the time being, and you would not be realizing that she was using you.

What that means is that you are a good person, a trusting and trustworthy person, with integrity and determination, and she took advantage of that. You never had a proper marriage, but it's not because you were a failure. It lasted that long because you were good at being a husband.

Leaving the marital house behind will help you move on in your new life.


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## Diana7

After my 25 year marriage ended very suddenly I wasn't emotionally ready to move on or date again for 4 years. Even then it was just the occasional date until I met my now husband after 2 more years. 

Does your girlfriend know of your struggles?


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## Livvie

Does she know you call yourself Mr. Sad because of your ex?

I think you should tell her, so she can make an informed decision about your relationship.


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## Mr Sad

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You probably would - in a heartbeat - if she asked you. And that is so utterly sad that you would.
> 
> Truth is, she'd never get back with you because she took out a *restraining order *on you which means you were acting obsessively enough to frighten her and she had to get the law involved. So it's safe to say you'd never get back with her because you know she'd never ask.
> 
> I too feel bad for the woman you've been stringing along for 11 months while you pine for someone who couldn't even show you the respect most of us show the common dung beetle. Seriously OP, you've been crying over some POS who doesn't give a rat's ass about anyone but herself. How much MORE of your life do you intend to waste on her????
> 
> Find your pride, find your dignity, and find your self-respect. Sadly, if you had those, you wouldn't have a restraining order against you and you'd probably be much further along in your healing instead of wallowing in your loss day after day after day after day after day after day after day.......


What a vile and nasty thing to say, the restraining order came after she had left me when I played right into her hands.

How on earth do you think you would react when the person you loved cheated on you after a lifetime together after everything you had done for them......I really hope you find out one day. Don't judge someone who you don't know.

I thought this place a a refugee for people going through a tough time.
Once again for the record I would never have her back as I know she could never be trusted.

Shes such a lovely woman that her own son and daughter haven't spoken to her in almost 2 years.

There's a saying that says if you've got nothing nice to say don't say nothing at all.


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## Mr Sad

I won't be using this forum again as its the opposite of what I thought it was.

I have nothing else to say.


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## Laurentium

Mr Sad said:


> I won't be using this forum again as its the opposite of what I thought it was.


You're absolutely right, this is not a "safe space".

Different people will chime in with different opinions. You have to take whatever you can that's helpful, and leave the rest. One person's comment isn't representative of everyone here.

As a therapist, I'm wondering if your reaction to a bad comment here is illustrative of your personal style. Worth thinking about.

Let me try to answer your original question. There are some possible answers in what you've said. 


Mr Sad said:


> so my question is why after all this time do i still feel so down and will i ever be able to move on properly?


Yes you will. You're already doing well: exercising, and seeing someone else. Both actions I would have recommended, as long as the new woman is (let's say) age appropriate. Stay away from booze. 


Mr Sad said:


> However I can't help but feel like a failure when I look back at what I always thought was a happy marriage, if we had been having lots of arguments and thing's it would have made things easier I believe but when it comes from nowhere its a massive shock to the system.


Exactly. One reason you might be finding this hard to get over, is a fear that you should have seen it coming, but you had no idea. I can see how you'd find that very unsettling. It probably had not much to do with you. You said she was a serial cheater, and it was a workplace affair. Unless you had badly let yourself go and gained 40 pounds (for example) or quit working, it might well not be about you. You're in a better place to judge that than we are. But it's hard for a person to let go until they feel safe, and it's hard for you to feel safe because you're not clear what went wrong. 


Mr Sad said:


> Unfortunately for me she's cheated on every partner she's had but I made the mistake of thinking we had something special.


Well, exactly.


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## Diana7

As I asked a few posts back, does your girlfriend know of your struggles?
I am of the belief that getting into a new relationship before you have got to the point of a certain amount of acceptance and healing from the last one can be a bad idea.

I do think you need to be honest with her about your struggles. Plus get a good counselor to help you work through all this stuff.


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## Blondilocks

Mr Sad said:


> What a vile and nasty thing to say, the restraining order came after she had left me when I played right into her hands.
> 
> How on earth do you think you would react when the person you loved cheated on you after a lifetime together after everything you had done for them......I really hope you find out one day. Don't judge someone who you don't know.
> 
> I thought this place a a refugee for people going through a tough time.
> Once again for the record I would never have her back as I know she could never be trusted.
> 
> Shes such a lovely woman that her own son and daughter haven't spoken to her in almost 2 years.
> 
> There's a saying that says if you've got nothing nice to say don't say nothing at all.


Two of your threads including "My Story in Brief" have been deleted so there is no way members would know the circumstances of the RO.

The poster to whom you are objecting has been cheated on and knows a fair amount of what you are going through. 

You have 70 posts and have started 10 threads on the same subject. My suggestion is that you pick one thread and stick with it. It will be easier for members to follow along and advise.


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## curious234

Mr. Sad,
Why are you so defensive and reactive? What the poster asked you about the restraining order is reasonable. Your explanation should be without any attrition. Your reaction to that post shows some thing you have to improve in your attitude, do not get worked up so much when you face a problem or an unpleasant situation.
You WW took a restraining order shows she has no regard for you and the sufferings she caused you. So be angry with her (positive anger), use your kids' animosity with her to your advantage, tell your kids how bad their mother is to kick her kids out of her house. And as you said, keep working on you in all areas, fitness, job, financial situation etc. At 55 you have lot of living to do and giving it the best shot is the best response to your W's betrayal and reliving the past will make you a loser and if she come to know, it will also make your uncaring W happy. 
You know what the POS may be playing her for money, that is why she wants her share of the house. Once he had his money and other things, as typical of cheaters, he will look for other "opportunities". Also at this age people settle for stability and caring because you never know what problems like health issues surface. Although I am not wishing anything she may have a rude awakening and contact you, her safe and obedient plan B. I hope you never take her back if that happens.


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## LisaDiane

Mr Sad said:


> I won't be using this forum again as its the opposite of what I thought it was.
> 
> I have nothing else to say.


You got many gentle, supportive, insightful posts on this thread...yet ONE strongly worded response sends you running?


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## Openminded

Public forums with differing views may not always be of benefit for the sensitive poster. If you feel this forum doesn’t work for you, there are others out there.


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## Livvie

Sounds like, from past threads, OP was physical in a fit of anger, hence the restraining order.


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## SunCMars

LisaDiane said:


> You got many gentle, supportive, insightful posts on this thread...yet ONE strongly worded response sends you running?


What, my Dear, does this tell of his mental state?

He has become, not numb, but prickly.
Those having thin skin cannot weather any climate, hot or cold, even one helpful, let alone, indifferent.

This is what depression does to one's soul. 
That hole that is dug, the one you fall into.

Sadly..

Or, sadly not, medications take that anxious edge away.

See a doctor for the dark place that you find yourself in, and need to escape from.


_KB-_


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## SunCMars

Openminded said:


> Public forums with differing views may not always be of benefit for the sensitive poster. If you feel this forum doesn’t work for you, there are others out there.


He needs straight truth, not coddling.

Then again, it is his needs that must be met, much less so, ours.


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## SunCMars

Diana7 said:


> As I asked a few posts back, does your girlfriend know of your struggles?
> I am of the belief that getting into a new relationship before you have got to the point of a certain amount of acceptance and healing from the last one can be a bad idea.
> 
> I do think you need to be honest with her about your struggles. Plus get a good counselor to help you work through all this stuff.


You realize that he will likely lose her, this lady, if he becomes squeaky clean.

I see, that you and others want her to know, to be informed about his mental state.
For her to be aware of those, his inner demons, that will not sleep.

Kind you are to her, his GF, not to our OP.

I agree, that you are logical.

Yet, logic works badly with those who are untenable souls.

His GF knows this, how could she not?
Our _Mr Sad_ is openly bewitched and inconsolable.



_King Brian-_


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## crushed2x

Mr Sad said:


> Don't get me wrong I would never get back together with my ex and my relationship with the new woman is a lot more than just a fling.
> 
> I was with my ex for a very long time and was put into this situation where I'm having to start over again at 55 years of age, I have made huge progress from where I was originally but I still have no idea why my ex left me after a lifetime together and u didn't get any closure.
> 
> Due to her cheating I have quite low self esteem and big trust issues now.
> When I'm with my new partner I'm happy and go out of my way to make her happy, we're always laughing in each others company which I believe is a good thing.
> 
> However I can't help but feel like a failure when I look back at what I always thought was a happy marriage, if we had been having lots of arguments and thing's it would have made things easier I believe but when it comes from nowhere its a massive shock to the system.
> 
> I just want to be able to wake up and not think about the past and to be positive about the future but its proving to be very hard.



Sorry to read this. I had to "get over it"and move on and raise 4 kids. Found out by shock at 42. Put in a lot of effort, didn't trust anyone, met a girl I went to HS with and gradually over time built a beautiful life with her- UNTIL I found out she did the same thing last week. Im alone again, shocked, and almost 55. Dreading the low self esteem, trust issues I already had, and anguish and pain that may last forever. I love this woman way more than I loved my wife, but here I sit. I am sorry for you and hope you can get where you need to be soon. Your story is helpful. Thanks for posting.


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## Arkansas

its been going on 3 years for me and I think about the lying, cheating, manipulation, using .... the ABUSE it all was, every single day and sometimes I get lost in it and feel very depressed

the Bible says don't do it for a reason - its a PTSD in its own right when someone you 100% trust and have faith in does ultimate betrayal


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## Ursula

Livvie said:


> I'm sorry to have to say this, but I really feel for the woman you are dating. Does she know how much you are not over your marriage/ex?


I was actually thinking the same thing; it's really not fair to her.


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## Ursula

Mr Sad said:


> Don't get me wrong I would never get back together with my ex and my relationship with the new woman is a lot more than just a fling.
> 
> I was with my ex for a very long time and was put into this situation where I'm having to start over again at 55 years of age, I have made huge progress from where I was originally but I still have no idea why my ex left me after a lifetime together and u didn't get any closure.
> 
> Due to her cheating I have quite low self esteem and big trust issues now.
> When I'm with my new partner I'm happy and go out of my way to make her happy, we're always laughing in each others company which I believe is a good thing.
> 
> However I can't help but feel like a failure when I look back at what I always thought was a happy marriage, if we had been having lots of arguments and thing's it would have made things easier I believe but when it comes from nowhere its a massive shock to the system.
> 
> *I just want to be able to wake up and not think about the past and to be positive about the future but its proving to be very hard.*


Gotcha, and that makes a lot of sense when you put it like that. It's not as if you're still hung up on your ex; you just want to be able to trust and move forward. 

So, about closure, I think that this is something that you probably won't ever get from your ex. Cheaters tend to gloss over things, and don't really put the blame where blame belongs: with themselves.

As to looking back on your former marriage that you thought of as happy, I have some thoughts, because this is also something that I've gone through. My former marriage was quite toxic (in my opinion), and we had a lot of issues. Every once in awhile, I would bring up an issue, hoping that we could work through it once and for all. In relationships, women are often the glue that try to hold things together, and patch things up when things go awry. Oftentimes, men view this as complaining. Us women will try again and again to work through things with our spouses, usually to no avail. Once we realize that this is futile, and will usually just lead to more and more arguments, we stop trying to smooth things over and make our marriage run smoothly. Because we stop bringing things up, our spouses think that all is well and that the marriage is on track and nothing is wrong. In reality, us women have just given up and we start forming an exit plan. Some cheat; some don't and just want out. This is why our spouses are usually shocked beyond belief when we tell them that we no longer want to be married. It's called "walkaway wife syndrome".

The long and short of it: there are many issues, they attempt to be communicated and ironed out to no avail, and perhaps this is where your ex was at as well. Did she ever mention anything to you about working on the marriage, about being unhappy, maybe about going to counseling? Did she try to smooth over any issues? If so, how did you react to that?


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## Arkansas

my post was deleted but the above isn't too much ? really ?


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## crushed2x

EleGirl said:


> It can take a few years. Everyone is a bit different.
> 
> Besides seeing someone, what have you been doing to make a new life for yourself?
> 
> How old is your daughter?


I


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## crushed2x

Mr Sad said:


> For the first few months I did nothing as I was devastated however I'm now back to performing magic and doing abit of weight training however I did those things when I was married too.
> 
> Our children are all grown up however due to my wife's cheating it has destroyed our family and caused a split with my ex wife and eldest daughter on one side and my son and youngest daughter who lives with me on my side.


Very common. I am sorry I lived this with my parents and a sibling, an ex wife and my kids, and I'm afraid this SO split I just found out about will have similar consequences as My son and her are very close and she has already set the table for this. Klls me


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## crushed2x

Spoons027 said:


> You can move on, but it takes some active thinking to do so. The fact that you don't have contact with her is a good start.
> Try this: when thoughts of her start to form in your mind, imagine a giant stop sign. Sounds silly, yeah. But it will keep you from spiraling into darker and more depressing thoughts. Let yourself feel but don't ruminate.
> I recommend giving Chumplady's "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" a read if you haven't already. Or read some of her posts to remind yourself why you got out in the first place.


I just ordered it. thanks for the tip


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