# Beginning to feel nothing for him...counseling or should I just give up?



## Ready To Give Up (Feb 7, 2009)

To make a long story short, me and my partner have been rocky pretty much since we've been together. Unfortunately, we have 2 children together. Each time I have left him he made promises to get help but never follows through with them. I don't know why I believed him. We have been together for 5years. I have a child from a previous relationship so there are 3 children in our family. 

Well, we broke things off 6 months ago when things got physical. I was 8 weeks pregnatn and our children witnessed us fighting. Something I am not proud of! But, I asked him to do the yardwork and he exploded on me saying he was "sick" (remind you the yard was only done once out of the whole summer so it looked liek crap...literally). I got complaints from the landlord about the conditon of the place and since I was 8 weeks pregnatn and on the verge of being hospitalized due to severe severe morning sickness I asked my partner to take care of the lawn...which he did not follow through with. I was fed up and ready to call it quits with his lack of support around the house and with the children while I was sick and going to school on top of that. I almost got kicked out of school because I missed so many days from morning sickness but thankfully my parents stepped in and helped care for my 2 children. So, I exploded on my partner telling him that if he has enough energy to scram at the top of his lungs in my face then he must have the energy to mow the lawn. That's when things got physical. I yanked his arms to try to kick him out of the house and he flipped out and yanked me around the hallway. Our 2yr old son got between us and was knocked over. I called the cops immediately and asked them to remove him from our household. He wasn't allowed to contact me for 6 weeks.

3 months later, close to 150emails(from him) he convinces me that he will get counseling and things will get better. I agree, since I was in fact pregnatn with his 2nd baby(my 3rd) that we give it another shot. 

He stops his counseling because he got laid off from his job and uses the excuse that he can't continue on with getting help because he is so busy looking for more work. He contributes nothing to the family because he is caught up on those payday loans and in deep financial debt. He treats me as he did before...NO respect whatsoever. 

Now, I refuse to lift a figner for him. He got ill last week and was phoning me 2-3times a day to tell me how sick he felt and I honestly can say that I did not care. I received money for doing my taxes and gave him NOTHING to help pay his bills off. Our newborn daughter(14 days old) has seen him maybe 2-3 times since she's been born and he claims he has no money for gas to come and visit her and I feel no obligation to help him out. 

I feel like he is a deadbeat and I am seriously beginning to feel nothing for him. He has proven himself time and time again how much of a loser he is and I can't help but think that this is just the way things are with him. Nobody in my family likes him. Nobody in his family likes me. It's just an all around bad relationship. I see him once every 1-2 weeks and when I talk with him on the phone all he talks about is himself. Any time I try to bring up how I feel about the situation he gets defensive and starts yelling at me. 

He has agreed to couples counseling but I am not sure if I want to do that with him. I think he needs counseling for himself before counseling with me. But I see no hope but at the same time I don't know if breaking up in the best situation since he is a jerk and will use the kids as weapons against me. At this point I just really don't care too much for him. Where I was once crazy about this guy, I look at him in total disgust now. I am unsure what to do and am wondering if there are others that have been or are in the same boat as me and what did you do about your lack of feelings for your partner?


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## broo (Feb 17, 2009)

I would leave the door open, but not have anything to do with him unless he get help/reforms. There is no need for closure. I doubt you will have the time or the drive for a boyfriend for a while anyway. Remember he is the daddy, and will likely be in your life forever. Let him know that you will still be willing to work things out for a little while, that probably won't last to long unless you see serious improvements. 

Don't worry about the fact that you feel nothing for him right now. Everyone feels like this at some point in a marriage, especially if the fighting is really out of control. Trust that you were crazy about him once and that those feelings would resurface if he learned how to turn them back on instead of doing stupid crazy selfish stuff. 

Gently demand change without getting ruffled. Counseling sounds like a great idea. If it doesn't work, you'll probably still benefit. Try to find a councilor that is focussed on techniques (as opposed to one focussed on grievances). Grievances merely serve to justify the destruction of a marriage, not fix it.

If you can get him to man up, you will ultimately have an easier time than you will finding another man to help raise the children that aren't his. I'm not saying it can't be done, but it has its own boatload of issues that make things much much harder. 

It also helps to read a lot of self-help books in this area. It will help you articulate the changes he needs to make in concrete terms that he and the councilor will understand. 

As for the phyisical altercation... I agree that if he was the man he should be he would not have gotten physical back, but you are still to blame for escalating it the physical. You sound like your temper is as bad as his. Practice defusing fighting when it starts to escalate. Stay calm. If he yells, make him calm down, practice his breathing steps, whatever. When you yell back it means you're so mad that you want a blow out fight. Its like a competition to demonstrate whose hurting more by how much they are willing to hurt.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I really think YOU should go to individual counseling. I would leave the door open for him to return, IF certain conditions are met. After what I've been thru, I just can't recommend couple's counseling anymore. Perhaps, you could use the same counselor and see him/her as individuals. I learned soooo much from individual counseling and reading. It helped me make better decisions!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I'm sorry I just do not agree with the other two posts. While you never should have gotten physical with him WHAT KIND OF GUY ASSAULTS A PREGNANT WOMAN???? Unless he was protecting himself and you got hurt that way but it sounds like he was dragging you around wtf??? I'm sorry guys...no way. Leave his sorry lazy butt. I'd be angry too if I was pregnant, sick, working, and his lazy good for nothing butt couldn't do the yard. You shouldn't have snapped but let me ask you does he really bring the best out in you?

You have been together for 5 years and you said its been rocky from the start. 5 years and 2 babies but did either of you consider getting married? Is there a sense of permanancy with him? Did you not want to? That might tell you that you already know this is not the guy for you. Did he not want to? Why not? Does he not feel you are the right woman for him? No this is not a relationship I see anything positive about. 

You need to speak to someone to make sure you protect yourself and your children. I don't care what you did, if he assaulted you especially while you are pregnant....what kind of guy does that? He's a deadbeat, he's lazy, he's unmotivated, he's selfish. Can you tell me something positive???? 

Move on, your kids don't deserve to see this and possibly get hurt. This is a very bad situation that could escalate. You are in danger here, get out now.


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## Ready To Give Up (Feb 7, 2009)

I am out for the most part. I see him 2-3 times a month and we still act like we are together when we do see each other but I have definitely made it clear to him that he is in no way welcome to stay over at my place and we are to only see him when we(me and our 3 kids) visit him at his place. The moment he acts like a jerk towards me(which he has tried) I pack up the kids and leave. So boundaries have been set as to how he treats me and he so far he has been following them at least when we go and see him. But over the phone, we have had a few arguments and I just hung up on him.

We were so in love at one point where we were in fact ready to get married but once I realized how bad the relationship actually was I made it clear that he wasn't a person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Things were rocky after our 1st baby and I broke it off with him...he promised to get counseling and the moment i took him back he stopped everything. I was on birth control and got pregnant for the 2nd time so she was not planned. I believe he saw that I was trapped with him and treated me as he wanted to...like crap! And that's when the physical altercation took place...I was fed up with him and wanting him to get the heck out of my life.

So now, like the first tiem we broke up, he has promised to get help and stops everything now that I have taken him back. But, the only thing different is he has no opportunity whatesoever to abuse me in any way. I am the one that sets the tone as to how often he sees us and so far it's only been once a week and if we get in an argument I will cancel our once a week visit and he has to wait another week to see us. Like I have said, I am fed up with him and his attitude towards me so I have taken initiative to take back control of my life. Things are much calmer for me and the kids without him around. Our 2yr old son loves him to pieces and asks to visit him almost everyday. So I can give him credit for being a loving father. 

I seriously think there may be something wrong with him. He has had a hard upbringing and is in denial about alot of things. I think he is extremely depressed and hasn't had a whole lot of guidance in his life. His mother and step father were extremely abusive towards him and he recalls his childhood being very lonely since nobody talked to him. He has 2 other siblings, which he is not close to for reasons I don't understand since I am very close to my brother and sister. So I can see that he is alone in the world and I can somewhat understand where is coming from but many people have told me that there's nothing I can do about it and he's the one that has to realize he needs help. The only thing I can do is protect myself and my children.

It just frustrates me..you know? I mean, I wish I didn't have kids with him and I do believe that the kids are the main reason why we are even together trying to make things work. No, I don't believe he loves me because if he did he would have treated me better in the past and present. I don't feel love for him AT ALL. I talk to him liek he is the father of my kids...and that's it. I don't make plans with him in the picture. I made it clear that I don't want to live with him until he gets help which he hasn't done so what am I suppose to do?

I will get counseling for myself again. And I guess whatever will be - will be. I know I can't control what others do and I can only control what I do for myself. Sometimes I wonder what god intends us to learn from situations likes theses, geesh!


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## broo (Feb 17, 2009)

Ready To Give Up said:


> Sometimes I wonder what god intends us to learn from situations likes theses, geesh!


To learn contentment in the midst of misery of course


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

"I made it clear that I don't want to live with him until he gets help which he hasn't done so what am I suppose to do?"

this is the right thing to do. If he gets help, and reforms, perhaps there is a chance. Mind you, I mean if he is actually improving, not just words, actions. 

Also, I would never marry him, until this is worked out. I have to tend to agree with AZMOMOFTWO.... this is wrong, for him to treat you such. My first husband was abusive (did not really learn this till after we were married and it was kid of too late, and I wanted to try and make it work), controlling, and slapped me when I was pregnant with our daugther... I did not leave right then, but eventually, it came down to no choice on the matter. People like that rarely ever change. 

Not that it cannot be done, but it's usually a trait they have a hard time overcoming..... Yes, God does intend us to learn from times like these, and to see the good in everything. Not only does he want you to learn to be content, but also to learn from your mistakes. And staying with him, might just be one of those mistakes, but that is something that only you, your heart, and your God can decide.... Good luck to you. I hope you can work it out.


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## Ready To Give Up (Feb 7, 2009)

Well, thigns have somewhat changed since I last posted. He is getting a job 3hrs away from us and is taking it. I feel a sense of relief that he is moving away!! Although our 2yr son is going to be heart broken. I have mixed emotions regarding him moving so far away. I am happy that I don't have to deal with him on a regular basis anymore. But at the same time I feel bad for our kids who will only know him through talking on the phone. 

He is moving in with his mom to save $$ on his rent and me and his mom haven't spoken to each other in 2yrs. That's a whole other dramatic story. But to break it down for you, she totally disrespected me after the birth of our 1st child and now I refuse to talk to her or invite her into my home. So, she doesn't see the kids very much and obviously we still have sour feelings towards each other. Him moving back into his mother's home would cause conflict since he will want to bring me adn the kids there to visit and I flatly refuse to step foot in her house. To give you an idea of what she has done - she threatened to phone child services on me if I didn't wean my son from breastfeeding. She was convinced that he as malnourished because my breastmilk had "nothing" in it. I brought our son to a doctor and confirmed o her that he was growing just fine and she refused to hear anything of the sort. Oh and she also wanted to claim our son so she could collect an extra $1000/month from her pension plan with no intentions of looking after him. What a wacko if you ask me!

Gosh, after reading what I write about this relationship and his family I really don't understand why I even bother. I guess him moving away will give me time to focus on myself and my kids rather than being so immensed in his drama.


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## Justawife (Aug 14, 2009)

Shout the door and lock it...You don't need all that drama...gas...bs...I'd bet he can find gas to do what he wants to do...right?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It will be good that he's working away. If you are still considering a relationship with him...I suggest that you both get counseling individually. Plus, if you are EVER to get back together you need some serious boundaries with this guy (any type of abuse you are out; he needs to help with kids; etc). 

Work on yourself during this time. Don't worry about the other family members.


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