# please help-I need a mans perspective



## cjfarm29 (Nov 12, 2011)

A little background. My husband and I have been married for 9 1/2 years and we have 4 kids ages 7 1/2,6,4, and 15 months. He is 31 and I am 29.

Okay, so yesterday after we got up my husband asked if I could make him some coffee when I got a chance. So I told him yes. Well Levi (15 month old) was up so I went to get him out of his crib. He tends to be really fussy in the mornings and wakes up really hungry. I give him a sippy cup of milk and hand him over to DH so I can clean his high chair so he can eat. Levi is fussing so I am trying to get his high chair cleaned up fast to feed him something and my husband ask me again if I can make him some coffee and I tell him "in a minute". I didn't say it in a harsh tone or anything. Well he gets really mad and says that I'm talking to him like a child and I obviously don't want to make him coffee. I really don't mind making it at all, but I couldn't right that second. What do ya'll think, should I have said something else, or is this a non-issue? 
I have asked this in another site for women and they all said he was being childish. I was wondering what other men thought.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm not a man...however, this fixed this issue for us--- Get a coffee machine with a timer. Put the stuff in it the night before and set the timer to brew at whatever time.

It saved my weekend mornings. 

I don't think he was being childish...just maybe a little forgotten about/frustrated/ etc. He wants to feel like you care. Maybe his love language is "acts of service". My husband's is.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

He IS being childish.

that girl's advice is probably the easiest way to resolve 'the coffee' issue. Hell, he can even be responsible for setting it up at night ... or not.

If this is a pattern, or you want to frame the coffee incident in a different perspective ... it is a microcosm example of what can play out in MANY marriages with several young children.

What dad wants and what dad needs gets back-burnered. He asked you to make coffee, you prioritized dealing with your youngest, and pulling in your hubs, to do yet another task before making coffee. Keep in mind I'm not saying he's justified in any way, or that you were wrong to see to the needs of your child first but ... presuming he is feeling overlooked, the scenario you described can be a tiny illustration of a much larger dynamic.

Should you choose, you can ask him the question if he feels like he is no longer a priority in the marriage, whether he is or isn't is immaterial if he answers, "Yes." He's telling you how he feels, and then it will be up to the both of you to decide and choose how to address the issue.

Regardless, you should definitely still get the coffee maker with the timer.


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## cjfarm29 (Nov 12, 2011)

Deejo said:


> He IS being childish.
> 
> that girl's advice is probably the easiest way to resolve 'the coffee' issue. Hell, he can even be responsible for setting it up at night ... or not.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your answer! I know men and women think differntly about things so I was hopping to get some thoughts from some men. We do have a coffee maker with a timer on it. I just don't always know when he is going to get up (he is unemplyed at the moment, and I am a stay at home mom). I will defently ask his if he is feeling overlooked. I don't think he is. I would have made the coffee first but the baby honestly the baby cries loudly and it can be hard to calm him down once he gets going. I was trying to save everyones ears and sanity.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Yes he's being childish and unattentive.

I would have seen my wife was busy with the baby and made my own coffee.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

It sounds awful childish on his part. Could he not see or sense that your hands were full with a fussy baby?
Making coffee isn't exactly rocket science.

I am trying to remember if W and I have ever been in this situation. If we had, I am positive that W would have said, "I am really busy with the baby right now. Will you make it?"

I would have put a pot on with no argument, hurt feelings, or anger.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I assume he has two arms? What prevents him from making his own coffee while you are busy with a toddler?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> He IS being childish.
> 
> that girl's advice is probably the easiest way to resolve 'the coffee' issue. Hell, he can even be responsible for setting it up at night ... or not.
> 
> ...


I normally agree with your advice but I cannot in this case. He sounds like a spoiled and entitled man who puts his needs above those of his young children. A crying toddler and this adult man throws a tantrum because she tended to their child before making him coffee? How is SHE a priority in the marriage if he is so childish that he gets angry that she didn't wait on him hand and foot? What Dad wants get sidelined? Do you think a grown woman wants to deal with 4 young children, one being in diapers and then have some pissy husband stew because a beverage wasn't made on his timetable? Really Deejo, sidelined? 
This isn't about coffee. This is about him acting like your 5th child instead of acting like a man and father.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

I agree with what deejo said, but dude does need to do some work. It is a communication issue on the outside, and a self esteem issue for him on the inside. He is enemployed? She is a sahm? 4 kids? Wow, been there in that exact situation. He sounds like me 4 years ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Oh, and I make coffee every morning now after I work out at 5am. I make it for me, but wifey reaps the rewards.
I will say this. He has no idea how he is making you feel. I didn't and, boy, I wish I had woke up because we have been through hell because of her resentment and unforgiveness._Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I normally agree with your advice but I cannot in this case. He sounds like a spoiled and entitled man who puts his needs above those of his young children. A crying toddler and this adult man throws a tantrum because she tended to their child before making him coffee? How is SHE a priority in the marriage if he is so childish that he gets angry that she didn't wait on him hand and foot? What Dad wants get sidelined? Do you think a grown woman wants to deal with 4 young children, one being in diapers and then have some pissy husband stew because a beverage wasn't made on his timetable? Really Deejo, sidelined?
> This isn't about coffee. This is about him acting like your 5th child instead of acting like a man and father.


I think he was out of line. But, extraplolating as to his overall character based on this one incident is a bit much.
I'd venture he may have similar episodes re her that bug him, too. Just cannot make a blanket statement about him nased on this, alone.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This situation is one of the reasons I REFUSE to wait on my BOYS hand & foot, I want them to get used to "doing" for themselves -so when they are married, they will not EXPECT their wives to fill the role of ....overly attentive Mom who did it all. They cook their own breakfasts, make thier own smoothies, ramon noodles, mac & cheese, and Tea, we don't do coffee. I accually feel it may save them some hardship in marraige -plus it is easier on me of coarse. 

Wondering.... did his MOM wait on him and his dad like that , was that how he was raised by any chance - so he EXPECTS from his wife ?? Or is this just one little incidence that is out of the blue ? 

I have an Aunt who babyfied her adopted son so bad he is 30 yrs old, never left the nest, she still gets his coffee every morning, washes his clothes, it is overkill. He is a great guy, but I think she ruined him -in this area. 

I think Deejo does has a point but since the poster feels he is not being neglected, then he really was being unreasonable, too anxious in this instance, I would think the majority of men would want the baby silenced more so anyway, that would get on thier nerves. 

I think your husband should have been more clear and not said ...."When you get a chance" ....if he really wanted it done right then. He should have had more patience -given you didn't get that chance yet, it was not like you forgot. Since he is unemployed and not going anywhere, he simply could have avoided that little spat and did it himself.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Arnold said:


> I think he was out of line. But, extraplolating as to his overall character based on this one incident is a bit much.
> I'd venture he may have similar episodes re her that bug him, too. Just cannot make a blanket statement about him nased on this, alone.


His overall character? She said "just a minute" not "go to hell" as she was getting a bottle ready for their child. She wasn't sitting there painting her fingernails, she was taking care of a crying baby. What was he doing? Stewing that she didn't let the child continue to be hungry and cry and tend to his needs instead....a grown man. Yeah, his "character" came through loud and clear.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This situation is one of the reasons I REFUSE to wait on my BOYS hand & foot, I want them to get used to "doing" for themselves -so when they are married, they will not EXPECT their wives to fill the role of ....overly attentive Mom who did it all. They cook their own breakfasts, make thier own smoothies, ramon noodles, mac & cheese, and Tea, we don't do coffee. I accually feel it may save them some hardship in marraige -plus it is easier on me of coarse.
> 
> Wondering.... did his MOM wait on him and his dad like that , was that how he was raised by any chance - so he EXPECTS from his wife ?? Or is this just one little incidence that is out of the blue ?
> 
> ...


Finally, the voice of reason! Seriously. You would think that a decent father would want his childs needs to be cared for first. 17 month old baby and this "man" acts like coffee is more important than feeding his child?! Parenting is tough and balancing that with coupling is even harder but had my husband ever pulled this sh!t on me back when I was juggling a toddler, I would have looked at him with total disgust. 
If this man doesn't stop with the whole "I'm mad and I am taking my crayons and going home" attitude, he will be here in two years moaning that his wife doesn't want sex with him and guess what, she would be totally justified. No woman wants a man who acts so helpless or entitled that he literally cannot fill water in to a pot, toss in the paper filter and load with grinds. They also don't have sex with children.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I normally agree with your advice but I cannot in this case. He sounds like a spoiled and entitled man who puts his needs above those of his young children. A crying toddler and this adult man throws a tantrum because she tended to their child before making him coffee? How is SHE a priority in the marriage if he is so childish that he gets angry that she didn't wait on him hand and foot? What Dad wants get sidelined? Do you think a grown woman wants to deal with 4 young children, one being in diapers and then have some pissy husband stew because a beverage wasn't made on his timetable? Really Deejo, sidelined?
> This isn't about coffee. This is about him acting like your 5th child instead of acting like a man and father.


Disclaimer: Views expressed when taking on the perspective of others are not necessarily my own.

Please see first sentence of my response.

Coffee isn't the issue.

I speculated what the issue may be, and offered a way to determine if that is the case, just like you speculated that he's an irresponsible man-child, and he needs to 'man up'. 

And you just may be correct ... but you don't need to get so worked up about it. Here ... uppy:


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Disclaimer: Views expressed when taking on the perspective of others are not necessarily my own.
> 
> Please see first sentence of my response.
> 
> ...


Not getting worked up, just surprised that a "man up" kind of guy such as yourself would say he was being sidelined for the basic needs of a toddler. You are correct, coffee isn't the issue. Meh, he sounds incredibly selfish....a truly unsexy trait in a person. 
Thanks for the puppy though.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm confused... Why couldn't he make coffee? Have I emasculated myself by putting coffee grounds and water in my coffee maker and pressing the start button? I HATE it when that happens!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I'm a man, and yes, i think he is being very childish. I'm curious as to what he was doing while he was waiting for his coffee and you were taking care of your child. Maybe he thinks you make great coffee, so he should have said, "Here, let me take care of the kids while you make some of your wonderful coffee.

i can't really relate because i never asked my x-wife to do anything like that. It wouldn't matter if I heard her in the fridge and i wanted a soft drink, I would still get up and get it myself. That was just my nature.


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## cjfarm29 (Nov 12, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Disclaimer: Views expressed when taking on the perspective of others are not necessarily my own.
> 
> Please see first sentence of my response.
> 
> ...


Well I just had a really long phone conversation with my husband about the whole thing. It turns out that you where right and wrong. It wasn't about coffee, but it also wasn't about feeling like I put him second. It was about him feeling like I talk harshly to him (which I do ocasionaly, but not all the time). We had a long conversation and worked it all out.:smthumbup:


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> His overall character? She said "just a minute" not "go to hell" as she was getting a bottle ready for their child. She wasn't sitting there painting her fingernails, she was taking care of a crying baby. What was he doing? Stewing that she didn't let the child continue to be hungry and cry and tend to his needs instead....a grown man. Yeah, his "character" came through loud and clear.


No doubt he was out of line. But, it is absurd to make a character assessment based on the one incident described. People act like asses, occassionally. I would want a lot more info before I made any conclusion re what type of person he was.


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## justsumchik (Oct 7, 2011)

Why is being served coffee a 'need' at all? I would consider it more of a lazy want than a need. A grown man wanting coffee and a baby wanting breakfast are not anywhere near the same level of need. A baby cannot feed himself. A man can get his own damn coffee.

Now, if she was pouring herself some coffee and he asked for a cup, that is a reasonable request. Just randomly asking her to make him some coffee seems strange to me in the first place, but then asking again while she's in the middle of cleaning the high chair? That's just plain ridiculous. Then getting mad and 'accusing' her of not wanting to make him coffee as if she should be just sitting around dying to serve him his morning beverage? If he was my husband he'd never get coffee from me again lol.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

justsumchik said:


> Why is being served coffee a 'need' at all? I would consider it more of a lazy want than a need. A grown man wanting coffee and a baby wanting breakfast are not anywhere near the same level of need. A baby cannot feed himself. A man can get his own damn coffee.
> 
> Now, if she was pouring herself some coffee and he asked for a cup, that is a reasonable request. Just randomly asking her to make him some coffee seems strange to me in the first place, but then asking again while she's in the middle of cleaning the high chair? That's just plain ridiculous. Then getting mad and 'accusing' her of not wanting to make him coffee as if she should be just sitting around dying to serve him his morning beverage? If he was my husband he'd never get coffee from me again lol.


Maybe they have a system, where, on occassion, he does things for her that she is perfectly capable of doing herself. I see this a lot in relationships. Seems to work , so long as it is not lopsided.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

cjfarm29 said:


> Well I just had a really long phone conversation with my husband about the whole thing. It turns out that you where right and wrong. It wasn't about coffee, but it also wasn't about feeling like I put him second. It was about him feeling like I talk harshly to him (which I do ocasionaly, but not all the time). We had a long conversation and worked it all out.:smthumbup:


Glad it all worked out. So, it wasn't about coffee, it was about your tone?


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## cjfarm29 (Nov 12, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Glad it all worked out. So, it wasn't about coffee, it was about your tone?


No, it wasn't about my tone. I guess it is complicated. It is about how I said "in a minute" and he thought that was snippy.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's so hard when dealing with other people lolll My husband's perspective of my voice is different than what I am actually doing. He used to think I was yelling, and, I wasn't! I just get excited and loud...but not yelling. I dind't understand this until we had a talk about it. He thought I was yelling at him, but I had no idea! I'm just loud! I'm a teacher...I project  lollll.

I get what you're trying to say. Is he usually sensitive like this or just a one time deal?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Keurig for Xmas ... he can make his own damn coffee 

You guys talked about it, listened to one another and resolved it.

That strategy will take you very, very, far in your marriage. Seriously. Kudos to you both.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

He's a man... For future reference, immediately correct a situation like that.

Explain clearly and ask him what he would have done had the roles been reversed! What would have he done?

Men need clarity.... He will see he was wrong and he probably would tell you that you were wrong in your "tone". He will learn that way. He will never repeat that mistake again!

Please BE DIRECT and FIRM with your husband. Makes it easier! IF women learned this one truth
many marriages could be saved! Many marriages improved! Including my own.

WE ARE TERRIBLE MIND READERS and sometimes we are OBTUSE... not that that's any real problem as long a women realize that. It's in our makeup as a man we were raised to be men.

Use that to your advantage. You'll have a happier marriage.
He'll respect you.

I've taken that attitude with my wife... whenever she PO's me I tell her! Before I'd let it go ...no more. Guess what she likes that. You can bet she'll NEVER treat me like an employee again!

So much could be solved if spouses just let the other know when they are upset and why instead of holding it all in. Communicate.

Most of my own marriage issue was over this simple concept. My wife and I NEVER fought instead she and I harbored little resentments... whole thing came to a head two years ago now we are recovering. Healthy conflict is a necessity to avoid this in our future... don't be afraid to stand up to your husband!

Deep down men like to fix things quick... so tell us what needs fixed and he'll do it! Reward good behavior...if you know what I mean  Never hold it in and you'll have a happier marriage with a more in tune husband. Make it easy and think of short-term pain for long-term gain. Soon you'll have him "trained".


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Both genders are terrible at mind reading. The expectation of such leads to all types of resentments.


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