# Custody Battle- What is Court Like?



## summerB (Aug 31, 2011)

We are officially separating after 6 yrs of marriage. We have one child who is 4. No infidelity, but emotional abuse from my H. In our state, we need to sign a mutually agreed to separation agreement or we go to court to determine custody and property division. 

I am DD's primary care giver. I bathe her, cloth her, feed her, put her to bed, get her up, trim her nails, stay up with her during the night, make her appointments, take her to her appointments etc. When he is scared, she calls out for me. When she wakes up at night, she calls out for me. When I am gone, she wants to know where I am. My STBXH has had ample opportunity over the past 4 years to co-parent, but he didn't do it. He plays with her occasionally when we are both home. 

Now that we are separating he wants 50/50 physical custody with me caring for her Mon-Fri afternoon and him Fri afternoon to Mon morning, every week. I proposed I have primary residence and he have every other weekend and evenings during the week as his work schedule allows. He said he will not sign anything unless it is 50/50.

Thinking of DD's best interest, she is young and I am her primary caregiver. She has only been away from me over night on 3 occasions, and each for only one night. We spend pretty much every weekend alone together while DH does his own thing. I think it would be horribly damaging to her at this point for her to go from me being the only care giver, to not seeing me for days on end and being with her dad who she doesn't necessarily trust and feel emotionally safe with. I have no intention of keeping her from her father or his family. She loves her dad and he loves her. But he has NEVER provided more than 36 consecutive hrs of care in 4 years. NEVER. Often, when he is keeping her for only a couple hours, he sends her to his parents house instead of caring for her. 

I talked to my lawyer, and he said that if H won't sign, then my only choice is to file for custody and go to court. This feels wrong to fight over her like this, but I am unwilling to put her in a position where her world crashes down any more than it is going to under these horrible circumstances. 

Has anyone else had to go to court for custody? What was it like? I do not hate my husband and will not lie about him. However, if we have to call witnesses, I cannot think of a single person who could truthfully say he provides any more than 'babysitting' care of DD.

I just want to get some idea of what I am getting in here so I can make the best decisions I can for my daughter. I know it is going to be hard no matter what, but I can do my best to be as decent as possible. 

Any thoughts, feedback or advice is much appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's unfair that your husband wants you to have her during the work week when it's much harder to care for a child, having to get her up and to day care. Then pick her up and deal with her after an all day separation when you are tired from work. Then he wants you to not have any weekends at all. That stinks for you and for your daughter.

One thing you can do is to ask for a custody evaluation.

When I did this we each had to suggest 2-3 evaluators to the court. The court picked from the list. In our case the court chose one that I suggested. IT was a place called "Fathers and Family". There were two evaluators.. a team of a man and a woman. They had a several meetings with each of us and with our son. My husband and I had to take tests.

In the end their report said that my husband was abusive and they limited his time with our son. They also said that if he atteneded counseling with our son for 18 months and successfully finished it then he could get one more day a week.

In the end we had a 60/40 split of time. Me with 60%. 

The court went with the evaluator's suggested plan.

Courts today usually go with 50/50. Kids adjust. So you will need something/someone to back you up to get more time. It's highly unlikely you will get full custody. 

Go with an evaluation if you can afford it. And do not agree to him having every weekend. The courts will understand that this is unreasonable.


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