# I got used to living alone.



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Hi everyone.

I was separated for 11 months, we've been back together for 2 months. Living in a condo with our almost 3-year-old daughter.

We've worked through a lot of issues together. Some we've resolved, others are still "pending".

What has been bothering me a lot this week is, I'm just annoyed by him. Very annoyed and it causes me to be mean to him or just distant.

He's a very loud person (just naturally, the volume of his voice booms) and he's always talking to our daughter at home. So I feel as though I don't have the peace and quiet. Sometimes I just wish he wasn't there, so that it would be peaceful. I'm constantly telling him to lower his voice because it's loud...or I will literally just go in to another room far away from him and try to calm myself down and get away from the noise.

He spends A LOT of time at his mom's house (basically if I'm not home, he will be at his mom's house...every moment that I'm not home, he's at his mom's). This is hard because I don't have a good relationship with his family (we almost got a divorce because of them) and don't like him spending all that time with them. Also I feel that he takes no interest in "our" home. I actually feel he doesn't think of it as his home at all, because I rented the place and furnished it when we were separated.

He is socially very awkard. Example1: He doesn't take any pride in how he dresses at all and I have to nag him to get him dressed decently. I literally have to tell him to go shopping for clothes, and since he doesn't do it, I have to go with him and pick stuff out. I don't want to do this. He's supposed to be a man, but I feel like I have to raise him all over again. In the meantime, he's under pressure because I'm nagging him. Example2: When he's thinking, or if he's even a little bit annoyed, his brow furrows to the point that a stranger would think he's really upset. But he's not. That's just how he looks and nobody has ever pointed it out to him (except me). But it's embarrassing to me because if we go out, and he's thinking about something, he looks super upset. He also doesn't like it if I point it out.

My question is...does general unhappiness go away with time if you have patience? I feel like I have to correct him a lot, but that translates into nagging. 

I was more peaceful when I was separated because there was nobody to argue with. Now, the co-habitation is very difficult on me. Adjusting to living with him again is hard...that's not even counting in all his social awkwardness. Yes he's loving and affectionate but I feel like marriage is a big headache... Is this normal? Might it go away if I give it time? Or should I take the "easy" way out and just insist that he leaves...? (I have asked him to leave a few times since we got back together, but he says he loves us and doesn't have a life without us. I also love him so I don't want to hurt him.)


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You keep posting about how you don't want him around any more and his family drives you crazy.

So why is he still around and why are you letting him and his family drive you crazy?


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

marduk said:


> You keep posting about how you don't want him around any more and his family drives you crazy.
> 
> So why is he still around and why are you letting him and his family drive you crazy?


Because I want input from people (that's what this forum is for, right?) and to figure out if it's normal to feel this way after a separation or not.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Here's what it looks like to me. 

OP, your husband continues to do something that ticks you off. That "something" is putting his focus on his family of origin. Until he stops doing that, you will continue to be unhappy with him. It's just how it is. 

You left him because you were on the bottom of his priority scale and his mom and sister were at the top. At this point, he has worked his way back around to trying to have his cake and eat it, too. How can you trust that he's "all in" with you? He clearly is NOT "all in" with you; he is at least "half in" with his mom. He doesn't have your back in any meaningful way. 

There is no way you can be safe emotionally with him as long as he continues this. You're irate with him because you're out of love with him. You've tried but he keeps going back to his family of origin. That's why your marriage feels like a big headache. It IS a headache. You are back to living in a situation where his contact with his family is hurting you. 

I'm sorry, OP. I know you're trying everything you can. Your husband either does not understand or does not care about what his constant return to his family does to you.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Because I want input from people (that's what this forum is for, right?) and to figure out if it's normal to feel this way after a separation or not.


The behaviour you are seeing from your husband is not normal, and frankly in my mind intolerable.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Orange... I really think it's time to give it up. It's just not working. You are clearly miserable with this situation and getting worse with each new thread.

Here was my comment to you (several threads ago) when you were thinking about getting back together with him. You had made tremendous progress at that point, and many posters could clearly see the handwriting on the wall if you took him back:



happy as a clam said:


> Orange, please don't take this giant step backwards and undo all of your progress.
> 
> Sure, you can tell him you have no intentions of ever living with his mother again, but as soon as he moves in with you, there's absolutely nothing you can do to stop her from coming over every day to "visit" her son, parking her a$$ all day in your hard-won peaceful little space (in other words, essentially living there). After all it will be his home too and he will invite the wacko family members over to "visit" more and more.
> 
> I think you should seriously reconsider this plan which is flawed.


I stand by my comment above. Sometimes, there really IS too much damage to repair a relationship. And the fact that your husband really hasn't changed AT ALL is just dredging up the past for you, over and over. That's why everything he is does is irritating the hell out of you. And NOW, you're starting to pick him apart for just being the way he "is"... booming voice, bad dresser, socially awkward, _furrowed brow_? You're really nitpicking. Come on Orange -- be honest -- you can't stand this guy. Married people shouldn't despise their partners.

He still puts his family first. He's still a mama's boy. He still spends a ridiculous amount of time with his FOO. He still hasn't cut ANY of the apron strings to this pack of dysfunctional, soul-sucking leeches.

Sure, he sleeps at your place and treats your daughter well, but at the end of the day he is still living that same old crappy codependent life with his "other" family.

Time to send him home to Mama for good...

Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh. But starting new threads with each new gripe is not going to solve this. Getting him out of your home will...


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

RoseAglow said:


> Here's what it looks like to me.
> 
> OP, your husband continues to do something that ticks you off. That "something" is putting his focus on his family of origin. Until he stops doing that, you will continue to be unhappy with him. It's just how it is.
> 
> ...


I'm at the point where I'm asking myself if I love him any more. Love in any meaningful, deep, lasting way.

Sure, I love him as the father of my child. And I don't want to hurt him. But there has been a lot of damage and it's affected my feelings toward him.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Orange... I really think it's time to give it up. It's just not working. You are clearly miserable with this situation and getting worse with each new thread.
> 
> Here was my comment to you (several threads ago) when you were thinking about getting back together with him. You had made tremendous progress at that point, and many posters could clearly see the handwriting on the wall if you took him back:
> 
> ...


But clam, yes I do remember that post you made (I think of it often when I'm frustrated), only he doesn't invite his family over. They're not welcome in my home and he knows it...they have not set foot here. But he's always over there...which I guess is just as bad. As his wife, do I have a right to tell him not to visit them often?

Family/friends are telling me "time will change him", but honestly the only time I believe he will ever change is when his mother passes away.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> But clam, yes I do remember that post you made (I think of it often when I'm frustrated), *only he doesn't invite his family over.* They're not welcome in my home and he knows it...they have not set foot here. But he's always over there...which I guess is just as bad.


Ok, now you're really splitting hairs.

His _behavior_ hasn't changed at all. At all. At all.

Ask yourself, can you really live with a man who really isn't a man at all?

You deserve to have the calm, peaceful life that you created for yourself and your daughter. He adds nothing now but chaos. Away with him...


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I'm at the point where I'm asking myself if I love him any more. Love in any meaningful, deep, lasting way.
> 
> Sure, I love him as the father of my child. And I don't want to hurt him. But there has been a lot of damage and it's affected my feelings toward him.


Have you read His Needs, Her Needs? The author uses a Love Bank allegory to describe his theory of how romantic love works. The idea is that romantic love is created and sustained when one's partner makes a lot of "deposits" doing things that generate love and at the same time, avoids doing things that "withdraw" deposits. The author of "5 Love Languages" uses a similar idea, the "Love Bucket".

Your husband is making withdrawals every day. He is kicking holes in the bucket. It doesn't matter how much good stuff he tries to pour in, it all falls right out. He can wake you up with kisses, have amazing sex, make you breakfast in bed, and it's all wiped out when he walks out the door to go to his Mom's house. It's a day-in, day-out reminders of where you are in his pecking order.

So yeah- you are going to have bad feelings about him. You're not going to trust him. It's how it works. There is nothing abnormal about what you're feeling. You can't have feelings of love in any deep, meaningful way with a partner who is chronically doing things that make you unhappy. Yes, he is damaging your feelings for him. He is draining you of whatever you might try to muster for him.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Orange 

Didnt realisw your story is pretty much same as mine 

Mine maybe worst .

But it probably wont last .

At some point , my ex jumped to his family and said he will leave me n kids fir his family who had "robbed" me of my money . He wants his cake and eat it . So we are divorced .

Unless it's true remorse n he recognise how wrong his family is n he's completely with you , he may abandon you one day .


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

tripad said:


> Orange
> 
> Didnt realisw your story is pretty much same as mine
> 
> ...


I'm sorry to hear that tripad. I remember your story.

Since he's moved in with us, I've asked him to leave a few times. Twice, he actually took all his stuff with him - but the first time I asked him to come back (and he jumped at the opportunity, didn't even think twice about it). Second time, he called, texted, showed up at the door.

He cries, begs, literally begs me not to break apart our family. He says he does not want to live apart from us, that we are his priority, that we are important to him. But on the other hand his biological family is also important to him so he wants to cake-eat and for me to accept it.

He just drains me of energy.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Ok, now you're really splitting hairs.
> 
> His _behavior_ hasn't changed at all. At all. At all.
> 
> ...


Yes, his behaviour has not changed.
As his wife, do I have the right to tell him to visit them less and see them less often?


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

RoseAglow said:


> Have you read His Needs, Her Needs? The author uses a Love Bank allegory to describe his theory of how romantic love works. The idea is that romantic love is created and sustained when one's partner makes a lot of "deposits" doing things that generate love and at the same time, avoids doing things that "withdraw" deposits. The author of "5 Love Languages" uses a similar idea, the "Love Bucket".
> 
> Your husband is making withdrawals every day. He is kicking holes in the bucket. It doesn't matter how much good stuff he tries to pour in, it all falls right out. He can wake you up with kisses, have amazing sex, make you breakfast in bed, and it's all wiped out when he walks out the door to go to his Mom's house. It's a day-in, day-out reminders of where you are in his pecking order.
> 
> So yeah- you are going to have bad feelings about him. You're not going to trust him. It's how it works. There is nothing abnormal about what you're feeling. You can't have feelings of love in any deep, meaningful way with a partner who is chronically doing things that make you unhappy. Yes, he is damaging your feelings for him. He is draining you of whatever you might try to muster for him.


It's been this way for a long time.
Helping me clean, cook, or affectionate hugs/kisses should go a long way - but they don't, if the very foundation of our marriage is not solid. He continues to do things that show me he's not on my side. I know there are many wives who can live this way but I don't know if I can force myself to be one of them and still lead a productive, peaceful life.

When I tell him the damage is done and it's too late, he panics and gets desperate not to lose us. Rug-sweeps a lot. Tries to get everything back to "normal" and continues eating his slices of cake.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Yes, his behaviour has not changed.
> As his wife, do I have the right to tell him to visit them less and see them less often?


You know the answer to that.

If a thousand people tell you yes, it's your right, and yes, you're being screwed over in a false reconciliation, will you listen?

What do you need?

I really wish I knew how to help you.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

marduk said:


> You know the answer to that.
> 
> If a thousand people tell you yes, it's your right, and yes, you're being screwed over in a false reconciliation, will you listen?
> 
> ...


I have told him to visit them less, and see them less often. He tells me they are his family and he has a right to see them, and that it won't cut in to his obligations toward me/our daughter. Other "friends" have also told me that they are his family and I can't prevent him from seeing his family. 

It's not cutting in to his obligations...but it makes me feel betrayed. I feel like he's having an affair of sorts. There's an entire life he has that I'm not a part of...and he puts someone else before me. In our culture it might be a normal thing to do but when I look at the whole picture (our past, the separation, the ill feelings, the almost-divorce, the mistakes he made after coming back)...it's clear I'm not his priority.

He has changed a little, but it's too little too late. I can't undo the damage. He says to give it time and have patience and pray a lot...but how's that going to help him put us first?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

OMG I cannot believe you got back with him!!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I have told him to visit them less, and see them less often. He tells me they are his family and he has a right to see them, and that it won't cut in to his obligations toward me/our daughter. Other "friends" have also told me that they are his family and I can't prevent him from seeing his family.


He _does_ have a right to see his family.

He _does not_ have a right to stay married to you.

Grown ups make choices. 

Don't tell him to see them less often. Tell him where your boundaries are. Don't defend them, argue them, bend them, or justify them.

"Husband, any husband of mine prioritizes his own wife and children over his mommie and siblings. You can decide to be my husband or not. But it happens today. There's the door." 


> It's not cutting in to his obligations...but it makes me feel betrayed. I feel like he's having an affair of sorts. There's an entire life he has that I'm not a part of...and he puts someone else before me. In our culture it might be a normal thing to do but when I look at the whole picture (our past, the separation, the ill feelings, the almost-divorce, the mistakes he made after coming back)...it's clear I'm not his priority.
> 
> He has changed a little, but it's too little too late. I can't undo the damage. He says to give it time and have patience and pray a lot...but how's that going to help him put us first?


Then decide. 

If you're done, be done.

Limbo forever is worse than a year of hell divorcing.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Orange... I really think it's time to give it up. It's just not working. You are clearly miserable with this situation and getting worse with each new thread.
> 
> Here was my comment to you (several threads ago) when you were thinking about getting back together with him. You had made tremendous progress at that point, and many posters could clearly see the handwriting on the wall if you took him back:
> 
> ...


Everything Clam has said is spot on. Nothing got resolved between you two before you had him move in with you...NOTHING. What in the world made you believe it would be any different?? Time to cut the damn cord and let him go. Be done.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> He's a very loud person (just naturally, the volume of his voice booms) and he's always talking to our daughter at home.


Ha, me too. I can't help it and neither can he I'll bet. I usually get shushed only from certain sensitive people. Annoys THE CRAP out of me when those few people do that. I usually tell them to **** off and get some ear plugs.




Orange_Pekoe said:


> Example2: When he's thinking, or if he's even a little bit annoyed, his brow furrows to the point that a stranger would think he's really upset. But he's not. That's just how he looks and nobody has ever pointed it out to him (except me). But it's embarrassing to me because if we go out, and he's thinking about something, he looks super upset. He also doesn't like it if I point it out.


Maybe no one points it out because no one would ever care except some really knit picky obsessed person? I'd be incredibly annoyed if you pointed that out too. Who the hell cares what his eye brows look like when he's thinking?!?


For whatever reason (my guess is you've lost attraction for him), you have ZERO patience for this person and want to pick apart every tiny piece of minutia about him. Just do him a favor and dump him already. He must have the patience of a saint with all this nagging he has dealt with from you. 

Just reading your utterly ridiculous complaints made me want to stab myself in the leg with a spork. Put yourself in his shoes... How would you feel if he just started tearing you apart about how you dress or your eye brows or how loudly you chew your food?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Everything Clam has said is spot on. Nothing got resolved between you two before you had him move in with you...NOTHING. What in the world made you believe it would be any different?? Time to cut the damn cord and let him go. Be done.


This much I agree with as well. That's the REAL problem, not his eye brows.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Pure *gems* from @BetrayedDad:



BetrayedDad said:


> I usually get shushed only from certain sensitive people. Annoys THE CRAP out of me when those few people do that. I usually tell them to **** off and get some ear plugs.
> 
> Who the hell cares what *his eye brows look like* when he's thinking?!?


:rofl: :lol:



BetrayedDad said:


> For whatever reason (my guess is you've lost attraction for him), *you have ZERO patience for this person and want to pick apart every tiny piece of minutia about him.
> *
> *Just do him a favor and dump him already. He must have the patience of a saint with all this nagging he has dealt with from you. *


:iagree:

Couldn't agree more.



BetrayedDad said:


> Just reading your utterly ridiculous complaints made me want to *stab myself in the leg with a spork.*


A "spork"????? Ba ha ha!! (Btw, the only restaurant that regularly hands out sporks anymore is KFC).

_*momentary thread jack over*_...but a few sh*ts and giggles never hurt anyone!

Now, back to the topic at hand...

C'mon Orange... face it... it truly is time to let go. Get back to the calm, peaceful, nurturing, productive life you created for you and your sweet daughter.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

@happy as a clam

I might of went overboard LOL. The point is still valid.

Dump him OP. You two aren't going to work out.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Everything Clam has said is spot on. Nothing got resolved between you two before you had him move in with you...NOTHING. What in the world made you believe it would be any different?? Time to cut the damn cord and let him go. Be done.


I'm sorry, but you didn't realize we got back together until 2 posts ago. So how do you know nothing was resolved/changed? I'm not an idiot and I did not reconcile with my eyes closed.

He sold his house. Moved apart from his family, in with me. Accepted that his mom will *never* live with me. Took over financial obligation. Stopped the divorce. Stopped being verbally abusive. These are all things I thought he'd absolutely never do.

So that's why I got back together with him. But I feel the damage is done and every mistake he makes from hereon in just makes me feel unhappy. I have resentment from the past.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

marduk said:


> Don't tell him to see them less often. Tell him where your boundaries are. Don't defend them, argue them, bend them, or justify them.
> 
> "Husband, any husband of mine prioritizes his own wife and children over his mommie and siblings. You can decide to be my husband or not. But it happens today. There's the door."


This is good advice. I keep pushing the "line" back and back...


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> Ha, me too. I can't help it and neither can he I'll bet. I usually get shushed only from certain sensitive people. Annoys THE CRAP out of me when those few people do that. I usually tell them to **** off and get some ear plugs.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


lol, I know. I don't disagree with you. Except the eyebrows part - sorry but he looks like he's angry as hell and I'm not the only person who's commented on it.

In any case...yes he deserves a wife who is not annoyed by him. I feel I'm losing love for him.

Some background about us: I lived in a toxic environment with his family for 3 years, he refused to move out, and verbally abused me in front of his family when we'd argue. One day he got so angry that he kicked me out of his home and literally got his family to gang up on me. It was emotional abuse. A woman's feelings for her husband do not get damaged unless there is serious resentment there...if I had stayed in that environment, I guarantee I would have ended up in a hospital bed. So no, he's not a saint. But I gave him a second chance to see if he'd change.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> He sold his house. Moved apart from his family, in with me. Accepted that his mom will *never* live with me. Took over financial obligation. Stopped the divorce. Stopped being verbally abusive. These are all things I thought he'd absolutely never do.


Don't fall for this trap, Orange. These are ALL excuses and justifications you are making for WHY this might work. But in your heart, you know nothing has really changed.

First of all, he did NOT "take over financial obligations." He secretly squirreled away marital assets in a "secret" joint account with his brother. He hasn't stopped the ridiculously time-consuming addiction to his FOO.

You don't need to convince US why you did it... you only need to convince YOURSELF. Then you will be freeeeee...

Just for you, Orange (lyrics included below). Play it, watch it, absorb it, and BELIEVE in the truth. And note the bolded lyrics.

"I'm Like a Bird" by Nelly Furtado

"I'm Like A Bird"

You're beautiful, that's for sure
You'll never ever fade
You're lovely but it's not for sure
That I won't ever change
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus:]
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is 
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is , I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

Your faith in me brings me to tears
Even after all these years
And it pains me so much to tell
That you don't know me that well
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus]

It's not that I wanna say goodbye
It's just that every time you try to tell me that you love me
*Each and every single day I know 
I'm going to have to eventually give you away*
And though my love is rare
And though my love is true
Hey I'm just scared
That we may fall through


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Clam and BetrayedDad, I'm glad you had your laughs - but from where I'm sitting, it's not a laughing matter. And honestly, anybody who has been deeply hurt and then tried to reconcile, would know how difficult the entire process is. I think I have a right to be annoyed by his loud voice and constant bossiness of our daughter, after being pretty much abandoned by him for 11 months.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> So no, he's not a saint. But I gave him a second chance to see if he'd change.


In all seriousness....

You didn't give him a second chance, you set him up to fail. You admit you harbor resentment and you expected him to change himself.

How can you take someone back under those conditions and expect it to work? It's impossible. Accept him for who he is or don't.

The only person who you have control over to change is you and you don't have to change if you don't want to. 

If you prefer, peace and quiet and being away from his family that's your choice.

Tell him, "You thought you were ready to give it another try but you realized your not. You still need to work on yourself. You're still too hurt about the emotional abuse and abandonment."

Be honest with him and know when it's time to throw in the towel. The way things are now will only be a living torture for both of you.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Clam and BetrayedDad, I'm glad you had your laughs - but from where I'm sitting, it's not a laughing matter.


Wow, Orange. I am not laughing at you. At all. I was laughing at BD's humor.

You and I were cross-posting, but I left you a VERY heartfelt post with a beautiful song (above). Perhaps you should go back and read it. 

The only difference in you and the song is... you DO know where your soul is, you DO know where your home is. It's with your daughter. But you have to let him go because he is crushing your spirit.

I have followed ALL of your threads from the start. Since my advice is no longer helping, I will bow out gracefully now.

Best of luck.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> In all seriousness....
> 
> You didn't give him a second chance, you set him up to fail. You admit you harbor resentment and you expected him to change himself.
> 
> ...


I didn't set him up to fail. When he came to me and asked to stop the divorce, and had a bunch of conditions in place, I actually said no. Not once, but a few times. I told him I harbour resentment from the past, and can't get over the ill-feelings about his family (since I blame them a lot), and that the damage has already been done. I told him very honestly that I believe the best course of action is for him to live with his biological family and for us to continue the separation/divorce. There's actually a thread about that I created at the time.

He literally begged me to give him another chance, to let time heal. I'm not saying this to belittle him, he literally did that. He also tried convincing me his family cares about me (now I know this is not true). I agreed to give him time to show me that I can trust him again. So, the ball is in his court, isn't it? To show me he's changed? It's not setting him up to fail - it's setting expectations and then measuring him against those expectations. 

Afterwards, he put his marital assets in a joint account with his sibling. That doesn't encourage trust. Yes he's willing to take it out of that account now that I've caused a fuss - but why do I have to cause a fuss in the first place? Shouldn't he know it's wrong to do, and not to do it? Why wait until I "find out", and nag him, before he makes changes?

Yes I am very fed up. I no longer want to be cooperative with him. He makes deliberate decisions that are dentrimental to our marriage, then tells me I'm being controlling or nagging him, and wonders why I'm not happy.

Also - I have told him I'm unhappy and that we should live apart. He won't. It's too painful for him. Hence why we are living in a confused state - we care about each other but living together is very hard. Especially for me, as I became accustomed to living alone, whereas he's used to a chaotic/hectic environment.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

@Orange_Pekoe...

Furthermore, go back and read my comments regarding @BetrayedDad's comments.

I was laughing that he is a self-admitted loudmouth.

And his comment about *sporks!*

There was NOTHING derogatory about YOU or your sitch.

If you're this sensitive about some light humor on an internet forum, I can only imagine how your hubs feels, constantly walking on egg shells.

No way out for him except to go home to his FOO.

Never mind him and his problems, more counseling is in order for you... to let go of your resentment, your bitterness, your hatred for his family, and your paranoia regarding people who are only trying to help .

Ok, now I will exit. For good. I wish you the very best.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Wow, Orange. I am not laughing at you. At all. I was laughing at BD's humor.
> 
> You and I were cross-posting, but I left you a VERY heartfelt post with a beautiful song (above). Perhaps you should go back and read it.
> 
> ...


Okay, I apologize. I thought you posted the song to make fun of me. Sorry about that.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Okay, I apologize. I thought you posted the song to make fun of me. Sorry about that.


Apology accepted .


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Orange, I agree with all the others. You have tried to give this marriage a second chance for all the right reasons. During this time you have changed. Your resentment for all the wrongs done to you is growing and festering to the point that this R, is no longer working. 

You have begun to resent and dislike your husband as a person. You fell out of love with him somewhere along the line. There is no going back.
Time to end this marriage before you start abusing him. I know he is no saint but two wrongs don't make a right.

I am the mother of a son. If his wife told him to stop seeing me completely, i would be devastated. You cannot make him stop seeing his family. What you can ask is that, he includes you when he visits and he visit them less often. Something he is not likely to do. However, with all your history with this family, I don't see you guys getting along. That is why your husband does not take you with him. It's easier on him when you are not there.

The way you are starting to nitpick on his looks, loud voice, and frown, says that you are done. You can't stand to be near him anymore. His presence makes you sick and anxious. He takes away your peace and happiness. Does any of these statement sounds like love and desiring to stay together?

You know you are done. Ask him to leave. Tell him you have tried but it's not working. Be firm. Don't ask him to leave his family when you are done with your marriage. That will be the kindest thing you can do for him.

If you don't then you are going to start demeaning and putting him down. Then, you become the abuser. Giving him false hope is wrong.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Nobody's laughing at you, orange. 

In fact, I'm the opposite. Worried and more than a little sad you're there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Never mind him and his problems, more counseling is in order for you... to let go of your resentment, your bitterness, your hatred for his family, and your paranoia regarding people who are only trying to help .


Oh this is absolutely true. I probably do need counselling as I have some sort of post-traumatic stress from what happened in the past. The resentment is made worse because my daughter had an illness when she was newborn and I just don't know why they didn't feel more compassion and understanding, and instead put more pressure on me.

I remind myself of Eckart Tolle's quote - that if they knew better, they would have done better.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Also - I have told him I'm unhappy and that we should live apart. He won't. It's too painful for him. Hence why we are living in a confused state - we care about each other but living together is very hard.


Then make the hard choice for both of you. If he's too immature to concede defeat then do it for him. It's okay that you still care about each other but accept you just aren't compatible and would be happier apart.

Saying he begged you so that's why you're in this mess is not taking full accountability for the situation. If I begged you for $1,000 would you give it to me? You could of said no. You still can say no. You ought to say no.

No one wants to see you miserable any more. But it's self inflicted, when you ignore your better judgment and put yourself in a situation you fought so hard to get out of in the first place. You KNEW better than to take him back but you did anyway.

Ex's are X's for a reason and you seemed to have forgotten the Y's until he moved back in and now Z light bulb is going off...


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> Orange, I agree with all the others. You have tried to give this marriage a second chance for all the right reasons. During this time you have changed. Your resentment for all the wrongs done to you is growing and festering to the point that this R, is no longer working.
> 
> You have begun to resent and dislike your husband as a person. You fell out of love with him somewhere along the line. There is no going back.
> Time to end this marriage before you start abusing him. I know he is no saint but two wrongs don't make a right.
> ...


Everything you've written is spot-on. I dislike being around him. When I look at him, I switch between feeling: pain, annoyance, dislike.

When we reconciled, I loved him deeply. I really did. But seeing that he still puts others ahead of me, and again the resentment from the past, makes me want to push him away. 

It hurts me that he knows we are in this situation, but doesn't want to go to counselling. Just says "I love you". A week ago, I sent an email to him saying that I need space, to deal with my feelings and that I'm very overwhelmed and it's resulting in me being a bad wife, or just plain mean towards him. He replied with "I LOVE YOU" and says I'm not a bad wife...?

I wholeheartedly know that if I continue having expectations of him that he doesn't meet, or continue being around him a lot, I'll become more mean, or abusive. He doesn't deserve that. He's not a bad person, just someone who made mistakes and is trying to make it right but it's too late.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> Then make the hard choice for both of you. If he's too immature to concede defeat then do it for him. It's okay that you still care about each other but accept you just aren't compatible and would be happier apart.
> 
> Saying he begged you so that's why you're in this mess is not taking full accountability for the situation. If I begged you for $1,000 would you give it to me? You could of said no. You still can say no. You ought to say no.
> 
> ...


That's true. I let my close family/friends pressure me in to taking him back. I was afraid of disappointing my parents, and also afraid of "what if's".

Fear lead me to take him back. Fear is also what is preventing me from enjoying today - fear that the past will repeat itself.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Also...I know I might be happier apart from him, but he says he will be miserable without us (me and daughter). So this makes me feel very guilty. The first time around when I blamed him, I felt guilty for possibly ending the marriage, let alone this time around when I know I was the one who couldn't get past the resentment!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think all of us who posted on your other threads advised against getting back with him because he just will never be the man you think he should be. He's overly attached to his family and no matter how much he loves you and his daughter that's not going to change. That means you have to learn to live with that or you need to let him go. 

Time isn't going to solve that problem because even when his mom's gone he'll still want to spend time with his sister and brother. He has always put them first. That's who he is. I think I told you on an old thread, before you took him back, that he would likely end up resenting you at some point because he feels he's compromised enough. I still think that's the case. 

I realize you're from a conservative culture where divorce isn't welcomed and I know you love him but love unfortunately doesn't mean a marriage will work (and neither does pressure from family and friends). You were happier on your own.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Fear lead me to take him back. Fear is also what is preventing me from enjoying today - fear that the past will repeat itself.


Now we're getting somewhere, remember this...



BetrayedDad said:


> The only person who you have control over to change is you


You can choose to face the fear and not be afraid. Don't let other people, including your husband, pressure you into not doing what's best for you.

He's afraid too, of being alone. It doesn't give him the right to force you back into a toxic relationship. That's his demon to conquer, not yours.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

The only person that can allow someone to take advantage of you, is YOU!!


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Openminded said:


> I think all of us who posted on your other threads advised against getting back with him because he just will never be the man you think he should be. He's overly attached to his family and no matter how much he loves you and his daughter that's not going to change. That means you have to learn to live with that or you need to let him go.
> 
> Time isn't going to solve that problem because even when his mom's gone he'll still want to spend time with his sister and brother. He has always put them first. That's who he is. I think I told you on an old thread, before you took him back, that he would likely end up resenting you at some point because he feels he's compromised enough. I still think that's the case.
> 
> I realize you're from a conservative culture where divorce isn't welcomed and I know you love him but love unfortunately doesn't mean a marriage will work (and neither does pressure from family and friends). You were happier on your own.


It's true, everything you've written. I realize I either need to accept that I won't be his priority, or let him go. Letting him go won't be easy - and not just from an emotional "I love him and it's hard" standpoint. It's hard because he doesn't want to go, he insists on staying, so it's almost that I have to kick him out. Secondly, my own family (parents/siblings) are going through a "crisis" of sorts and my parents are at a very sensitive point in their lives...I feel like news of my divorce is just going to break them further. No - I don't "feel" it - I know it. I might come out of this divorce more damaged in the long-term than if I'd stayed in the marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I can understand (and identify with) not wanting to upset your family by your divorce. I grew up in a very conservative Southern family where divorce was unheard of. I decided to give my then-husband a second chance 30 years ago after he cheated and among the many reasons I did was because I didn't want to tell my parents I was divorcing him. I wanted to make everyone happy. Unfortunately, I just postponed the day of reckoning by doing that (and I can't get those 30 years back). 

It's a tough spot for you to be in and I totally sympathize.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Openminded said:


> I can understand (and identify with) not wanting to upset your family by your divorce. I grew up in a very conservative Southern family where divorce was unheard of. I decided to give my then-husband a second chance 30 years ago after he cheated and among the many reasons I did was because I didn't want to tell my parents I was divorcing him. I wanted to make everyone happy. Unfortunately, I just postponed the day of reckoning by doing that (and I can't get those 30 years back).
> 
> It's a tough spot for you to be in and I totally sympathize.


I'm glad you understand. My father was very supportive of me during my separation - I had boundaries in place, namely that I'd no longer live with my husband's family. Husband wouldn't budge. He finally conceded and moved in...now dad (and many others) are saying that I have to "give a little" because my husband has. 
Basically - I had a lot of support during my separation, but I won't have any support the 2nd time. In fact, many will blame me.

Even I blame myself. Because I feel that if I could truly forgive him, forget the past, and overcome my resentment, then our life could be a good one. Not perfect, but good.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your family and friends see this without the emotion that's in it. He's compromised so now they feel it's your turn. But resentment can very hard to let go of. I didn't forgive my former husband, and let the resentment go, until our divorce was over. And I never thought I would be able to do that at all but I finally did. You might need some additional help letting go of yours. It's a tough road.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Also...I know I might be happier apart from him, but he says he will be miserable without us (me and daughter). So this makes me feel very guilty. The first time around when I blamed him, I felt guilty for possibly ending the marriage, let alone this time around when I know I was the one who couldn't get past the resentment!


He is a grown man. No one is responsible for his happiness and well being except for him. Try to let go of the guilt for doing what you need to for yourself...the greater guilt would be staying with him when you don't want to be with him.


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