# Sex during pregnancy sucks -husband doesn't seem to understand



## Samayouchan (Jun 1, 2012)

I recently became pregnant with my first child. I will be 31 this year and my husband turned 26 in May. Ever since I’ve become pregnant as you can imagine an array of NEW and UNCOMFORTABLE things start happening to my body, which I know was to be expected. The one thing I did not expect was to see my libido decline. This is due to the pain that occurs, even at 20 weeks pregnant, while having intercourse. I have tried to explain to my VERY active and used to getting it basically when ever he asked husband, that the pain is too much for me to bare at times. We have had many fights over sex because he feels like (I am guessing) he’s not getting enough. We have had MAJOR arguments over sex.
I don’t know if I should just give in to him, or just tell him to pop off, go away and not worry about his feelings over it any more b/c frankly I’m tired of arguing over it like kids fighting over who gets the first piece of candy. It’s not that I don’t want it, it’s just that it freaking hurts and yes I don’t look forward to it. He promises time and time again, that he won’t do certain positions that tend to make it worse, and like the fool I believe him. Then every time I DO agree, he ends up doing the positions anyways. I’m almost just done with trying sex altogether and avoiding the topic until this kid is out of me. I just want to be happy. I want my husband to be happy. I used to believe back before I met him (due to another relationship) that all MEN ever wanted was sex. He had proven me wrong about this, with the way he was. Therefore, I gave him sex whenever he asked almost. Now it’s like the only thing he seems to ever ask me for days on end. 
He works with my OB’s office (he is in sort of a nurse position at his job) that helps delivers babies. So it’s like I don’t WANT to air out our relationship details with my OB b/c of fear of embarrassing him. I just don’t know what to do. Am I wrong for wanting to put my foot down? Or should I just suck it up and deal with it and cry for 30 minutes after every single time we have sex now?


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

1st of all, congrats on your pregnancy, how many weeks are u right now?

anyway, your hubby would probably already understand that pregnancy screws ur hormones! some lucky soon-to-be mothers are blessed with higher libido, but most i think would be downright stressed, tired, having body aches, nausea and every negative aspects the brain can figure out.

i became a dad not too long ago, and we didn't perform any piv for the whole pregnancy. the only thing i did more was to go down on her and gave her the service she needs to calm her nerves, and also to give her the orgasms she needs for more oxytocin (happy hormones) to circulate in her

for your case, since turning down his requests may be a little too messy right now, why not u give him some BJs instead? just tell him that it hurts for any intercourse right now? and that maybe u can "repay" him back once the baby is out?

cheers yeah, a happy mommy gives birth to a happy baby


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If it hurts do not do it. That's pretty simple to understand.

Your husband works in an OB office, why exactly doesn't he understand this?

There are other things that the two of you can do. 

You need to have a serious talk with him. If he does not get it then bring in the OB. If you tell him that you will bring in the OB, maybe that will help him remember what he actually already knows.. that's he's being unreasonable.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> If it hurts do not do it. That's pretty simple to understand.
> 
> Your husband works in an OB office, why exactly doesn't he understand this?
> 
> ...


I think the issue is not about why doesn't he understand how a preggie mommy feels, but more about what he doesn't want to understand/show concern towards what the wife is going through right now...

and I fully agree that both need to sit down and talk (for the sake of the coming baby), as the mommy would really need someone for a lot of positive thinking and positive vibes

if this is the way he treats a preggie wife, I'm particularly concern about his responsibilities in bringing up new-borns...


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I second what EleGirl said. If it hurts, don't do it. If you do want to have sex, even PIV, then hold him to the promise of not doing those positions that hurt. If he tries anyway, you stop him in his tracks. You said he works at the OB's office, so he DOES know these things. Remind him of them. If he still acts like a petulant child, then talk to the OB. The OB will keep it strictly among the three of you.

As for BJs... maybe you can do that, as malmale suggested. I was unable to do that during any of my pregnancies. I couldn't stomach it... not just that I couldn't swallow, but I couldn't even handle going down. I was, however, fine with PIV... even wanted more lol. I know there are many women who are completely opposite, though. Take the advice above. If he doesn't stop, bring the OB into it. Your doctor is your advocate. (S)he is there for YOU and your baby. YOU are the priority, not a fellow employee.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I'd suggest talking to the Dr. anyway. This certainly isn't the norm during pregnancy. There could be something that could be dealt with to stop the pain. If the Dr. is professional, he'll respect proper confidentiality boundaries and not talk to anyone else about it.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> As for BJs... maybe you can do that, as malmale suggested. I was unable to do that during any of my pregnancies. I couldn't stomach it... not just that I couldn't swallow, but I couldn't even handle going down. I was, however, fine with PIV... even wanted more lol. I know there are many women who are completely opposite, though.


My wife is the same as you. Very little BJs, but she's after me all the time for everything else.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

malmale said:


> I think the issue is not about why doesn't he understand how a preggie mommy feels, but more about what he doesn't want to understand/show concern towards what the wife is going through right now...


Of course it’s about why he does not seem to understand/show concern towards his wife.

But you missed my point. He knows very well that her pain, discomfort, etc are real. So calling him on it is a very valid thing for her to do. And she should call him on it. There should be no tip toeing around this horrible attitude of his.


malmale said:


> and I fully agree that both need to sit down and talk (for the sake of the coming baby), as the mommy would really need someone for a lot of positive thinking and positive vibes


She needs to have that sitdown with him to let him know that he’s acting cruel and she will not accept his cruelty. To force painful sex on someone is indeed cruel. I think it’s a form of abuse.


malmale said:


> if this is the way he treats a preggie wife, I'm particularly concern about his responsibilities in bringing up new-borns...


No kidding.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Sam so sorry you going through this. How many weeks are you? I'm pregnant too but have been in hyper drive mode. Unfortunate at 29 weeks (due date recently push ahead) we are down to basic 2 position. Is there any position that don't hurt you? Then tell your H that the only positions you will consent to. If he try to put you in any other position make him stop. I'm sure he won't try to force you right?

Like someone said maybe you can give him some bj or hj if you can't stomach bj. I'm sorry he really being insensitive I'm sure this hurts you. Just tell him straight up that's the last thing you need while carrying his child and it's so inconsiderate. Does he usually have empathy? Hopefully he will understand.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> I'd suggest talking to the Dr. anyway. This certainly isn't the norm during pregnancy. There could be something that could be dealt with to stop the pain. If the Dr. is professional, he'll respect proper confidentiality boundaries and not talk to anyone else about it.


I agree, most woman can't get enough sex during pregnancy, and it should not hurt, if you are close to the 9 months it would be uncomfortable but not painful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

If he doesn't get this then I cringe at how he's going to react after the baby comes. 

Sex shouldn't hurt during pregnancy but I get the feeling it's because he hasn't adjusted his methods, positions, frequency not because you're expecting.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

There should be a compromise. I know for my marriage sex stopped both pregnancies as soon as the positive results were read.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Samayouchan said:


> I don’t know if I should just give in to him, or just tell him to pop off, go away and not worry about his feelings over it ...


I think you have to stop viewing this as a power struggle. Sex, he wins. No sex, you win. You are a couple. You are a team. You are about to be parents who will have to work together. I can tell you that parents who view each other as opponents aren't very effective at raising children.



> He promises time and time again, that he won’t do certain positions that tend to make it worse, and like the fool I believe him. Then every time I DO agree, he ends up doing the positions anyways.


Don't accept this. As a parent, I will give you the same advice I give my children. Use your words.

Why does your husband do the positions that hurt you? Does he just get carried away? Does he not think it's that bad for you? If you just suffer silently and then resent him later, well you can't really blame him for not understanding how much it hurts you.

So, the next time he switches to one of those positions, just yell, "Ouch!!!" and stop the show. I mean just get up and do something else. I can tell you that it doesn't take very many times of having sex end abruptly before a man will stop doing what ends the sex abruptly.



> I’m almost just done with trying sex altogether and avoiding the topic until this kid is out of me. I just want to be happy. I want my husband to be happy.


Well, I can tell you that no more sex for some indefinite period, because you won't really want to have sex after you deliver any more than you do now, will not make your husband happy. Men need sex on both a physical and an emotional level. You announcing that you have decided to impose celibacy on your husband is like telling him that his needs no longer matter to you. Don't do that. Find a way to provide for his needs. If you need to switch positions, use other orifices, use your hands, or whatever else you can think of, do that. Your family will be stronger because of it.



> So it’s like I don’t WANT to air out our relationship details with my OB b/c of fear of embarrassing him.


Pain during intercourse in certain positions is not a relationship detail. It's a physical symptom.



> Am I wrong for wanting to put my foot down? Or should I just suck it up and deal with it and cry for 30 minutes after every single time we have sex now?


You're not wrong for wanting to have pain-free sex. You are wrong for thinking of ending sex. Sex should be mutually beneficial. Find a way to make it so.

Your worst case scenario should be a case where you have no pain, but not necessarily much pleasure. But you can still take pleasure in providing for your husband's needs.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

richie33 said:


> There should be a compromise. I know for my marriage sex stopped both pregnancies as soon as the positive results were read.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dang! There wouldn't be #2 with me if that was the pattern established in #1.


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## Samayouchan (Jun 1, 2012)

Thank you everyone for the advice and positive feedback. I wanted to update to say that I took the advice, and sat my husband down for a talk. Everything is wonderful now, and have agreed to work on each others needs as far as in the bedroom. The agreement was met that he would not get carried away, and forget the positions that hurt me. If this DOES occur, I am to stop him mid-everything. This was his idea and it made all the difference for me to hear HIM suggest it, instead of me. I never wanted to stop the sex altogether, but just wanted some relief, and for him not to beg for it all the time like he was every day. I'm TIRED! LOL. I think that maybe because of that alone, it will make the time we do spend making love, it will be more enjoyable while being pregnant.
I also plan to bring this issue up with my OB tomorrow for my appointment with my husband present because we are both concerned as to WHY this is still hurting. If it turns out that there is nothing we can do but just push through it until the baby is born, its okay. We are both now striving to provide a better life for our new baby that's on its way and want nothing more in the world. 

Thank you for listening. It really helps and the positive feedback was wonderful to see. As for some questions that were asked, I am 20 weeks 2 days today =). We just found out finally yesterday that we are having a boy. It was never really per say a power struggle, as far as no sex= I win, sex= he wins. I just wanted him to HEAR me and seem to understand that I wasn't kidding about the pain. All in all, things are better after our talk. Thank you everyone who responded with great advice. I never feel like time is wasted by posting my concerns / questions here on TAM. =)

Samayouchan


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I don't know if this applies to your husband but I found my wife all the more sexy when she was preg. So if he's already "active" your changing body might be just too much to keep his hands off. lol I'm also wondering if he might be trying to reassure himself that the new baby isn't going to change things between you (which of course it will but....) Best of luck!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Samayouchan said:


> Thank you everyone for the advice and positive feedback. I wanted to update to say that I took the advice, and sat my husband down for a talk. Everything is wonderful now, and have agreed to work on each others needs as far as in the bedroom. The agreement was met that he would not get carried away, and forget the positions that hurt me. If this DOES occur, I am to stop him mid-everything. This was his idea and it made all the difference for me to hear HIM suggest it, instead of me. I never wanted to stop the sex altogether, but just wanted some relief, and for him not to beg for it all the time like he was every day. I'm TIRED! LOL. I think that maybe because of that alone, it will make the time we do spend making love, it will be more enjoyable while being pregnant.
> I also plan to bring this issue up with my OB tomorrow for my appointment with my husband present because we are both concerned as to WHY this is still hurting. If it turns out that there is nothing we can do but just push through it until the baby is born, its okay. We are both now striving to provide a better life for our new baby that's on its way and want nothing more in the world.
> 
> Thank you for listening. It really helps and the positive feedback was wonderful to see. As for some questions that were asked, I am 20 weeks 2 days today =). We just found out finally yesterday that we are having a boy. It was never really per say a power struggle, as far as no sex= I win, sex= he wins. I just wanted him to HEAR me and seem to understand that I wasn't kidding about the pain. All in all, things are better after our talk. Thank you everyone who responded with great advice. I never feel like time is wasted by posting my concerns / questions here on TAM. =)
> ...


That's wonderful to hear!!! Good communication is essential in a marriage.

Hopefully you two (or should I say three) will be just fine.


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