# What was life after moving on from WS/BS?



## Jponce06 (Feb 24, 2016)

I've read plenty of post (mostly from WW) who's BH ended up asking for divorce. Then they go dead not to be heard from again. 
Although I'm not bias to hearing from WS but what was life after ending a marriage for a BS/WS what was it like seeing your ex move meet other people? I assume even though BS spouses moved on it was a lose lose situation leaving a marriage you thought was solid and now venturing on alone. It's a very broad question but would like to hear from WS and BS. Thank you.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I could go on and on about how wonderful my life is without having to deal with my POSXW...

However, since you asked a broad question let me give you a macro level answer. Hope it helps.

Life is great once you overcome the one obstacle that prevents everyone from dumping crappy spouses.

FEAR. Fear of the unknown. People worry about finding another spouse, of financial troubles, the kids etc. etc.

But that something you can mitigate significantly with heavy lifting. Instead of wasting your time on a cheater.

Do some heavy lifting FOR YOU. Focus on your health, appearance, career, kids. Bet you got "comfortable".

Most people do in relationships and it's POISON. Work hard on your appearance, health, career, kids, social life. 

The amount of effort I see BS waste on an unremorseful cheat that they could put into themselves is criminal.

Once you do this heavy lifting you won't have to worry about finding happiness. It will find YOU as it has me.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My life improved dramatically after divorcing my husband. By the time I filed for divorce, I was completely done with him. Yes, moving out, buying a home alone, setting up house, and re-making my entire life and all my social circles was somewhat daunting. But it was better than staying married. Yes, healing was somewhat arduous. But I did heal and it was better than staying married. Yes, beginning to date again was a little terrifying. But it was better than staying married. 

I no longer spend every day in the company of someone who says he loves me but who also has a vested interest in helping me to feel bad about myself. I'm happy, my health is much better, my home is peaceful, my son is flourishing. I have a wonderful SO now that treats me like I'm someone he actually cares about. This is way, _way_, *way* better than staying married.


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## moth-into-flame (Oct 28, 2016)

I think it would be disingenuous to say everything is 100% better and perfect after you leave a WS. It's a pretty brutal thing to be cheated on and then basically be forced into ending your marriage (if your WS didn't do that for you). My exww really did try her best after we decided to give R a shot - I'm not sure what else she could've done (save a few glaring f ups where she said some asinine, entitled stuff that made my head explode). But after a few weeks I knew I couldn't do it. If you've been together for a long time, or even if you haven't, it's traumatic. And bewildering, and confusing and painful. And if you have kids, you lose half your access to them - that is the one thing that still just sucks bad.

However...it's infinitely better being without her. I get the weepies pretty much every week missing my kids, but that's them, not her that I miss. I look back and sometimes imagine I was still with her - and that thought terrifies me. Let's put it this way - and this may sound whacked. If I could go back in time, and stop her affair(s) before they happened - prevent them, I would not. I wouldn't change it. Because I am SO much happier without her, and enjoying my freedom SO much...but I never would have left her unless she cheated on me. Otherwise I'd stick it out until the day one of us died and be miserable. But by cheating, she gave me a righteous out. 

When your spouse cheats on you, if you're lucky and astute enough to see it, you realize that you really don't want to be with someone of such character (or lack thereof). 

Now I am so detached from her that I feel....nothing. She still wants some kind of relationship - but beyond utilitarian coparenting, there isn't one, by my choice, and I like it that way. She's a phantom to me - a non entity. I don't wish her harm or anything - I just don't care. I feel nothing. That's a good feeling to have. I realize not all BS's are that lucky - they pine and reminisce. I've blocked her from my mind and heart. As far as seeing her with other guys (she's "engaged")...as long as my kids are treated well, it would be impossible for me to care less.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

I believe there are all sorts of situations where a BS might end up better or worse, we will never know numbers, so it's really only what you hear of. 
It's likely thou that you will hear far more from BS that ended up better than those that ended up worse. And then there are also those that are happy with R and those that are miserable with it, it comes in all flavors.

Sent from my SM-T700 using Tapatalk


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

It's better, in that the anxiety is gone. But it does get lonely.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

I didn’t have the “fear of the unknown” factor involved in my decision to leave because I have always had my own career and had lived on my own for well over a decade before I married. Trying for reconciliation was not a possibility for me, I know myself well and I was not capable of it and, my WH was not remorseful at all anyway. I will admit that I was a “hot mess” for approximately 3 months after I left the marital home. It was a shock to the system, so to speak; the betrayal, the grief and the fact that my life had taken a dramatic turn from the course it had been on for 28 years.

I focused on rebuilding my life and my social network, did a lot of introspective work on myself, turned a long term hobby into a second career of sorts and slowly, through those changes, I started becoming my normal, content and confident self again. It’s been almost 3 years now, I recently started dating again (nothing serious, just having fun) and I can honestly say I am content in my new life.

Regarding the “loneliness factor”, I felt much more alone in my marriage than I do now and, the internal peace I have now is priceless.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Red Sonja said:


> Regarding the “loneliness factor”, I felt much more alone in my marriage than I do now and, the internal peace I have now is priceless.


I found that to be true, as well. There's something infinitely worse, to me, about feeling lonely in a marriage than in just being alone. I think it's the sense of abandonment, of knowing that the person who's supposed to be there for you just...isn't...somehow, even though they're still technically there.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

If you want my story look under user "Hoosier" I lost that account with the shakeup, so forced to set up a new one. That being said.......

Basically my 30 year marriage ended when my xw moved into a mutual friends (more hers than mine evidently) home one day. I look back at those days and still find it interesting that any of my friends could even stand to be around me, I was totally depressed, could think and talk of nothing else, unable to work. The worse part for me was they lived in my small town, just blocks from me, and everywhere I went I was always on the lookout for them. In the last 5 years here is what has happened.

My x married the POSOM, never told our daughters until after the ceremony, bad move. My youngest daughter (I have 3) was married in May, my x was invited (at my insistence) but did not attend, because a dinner planned a month before the wedding between xw and daughter and fiancé did not go well. My xw saw her granddaughter for the second time in her life (she is 5) because I flew down to Florida and brought her up for the wedding, as her husband wont find time to go see her (he is retired). My middle daughter (lives in Los Angeles) told me her mother is just "waiting to die".

Me: I go every three months to Florida to see my granddaughter. I was in LA in August to see my daughter there. My third daughter lives 2 hours away and I see her often. EVERY day I hear from at least one of my daughters, generally two of them, and often all 3. Also this year, I took my girlfriend for a week in Colorado, did a buddies fishing trip, and a buddies Cubs game (go to different city every year). Whats my point? I was miserable, I wanted my marriage more than anything. But you can only control yourself, and I was not going to let her control my life by allowing what she did ruin my life. It took TIME, time and a will to not be a victim. My life is not perfect, but its pretty damn good! I have the love of my kids, grandkids, ( I frequently get comments on how I must "sure love your girls") I really like my alone time, and look forward to my together time with my gf ! You are what you make of yourself.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Background...I thought I was in a solid marriage of over 13 years. I loved my wife and our family more than I ever loved anything. Then I found out she was cheating. After over a year of false R, I filed for D. 

For me, divorce was a lose-lose-lose situation. I lost what I thought was the love of my life. I lost my intact family. I lost half of everything I had worked so hard for. I lost my confidence and self-esteem.

I am venturing on alone. It’s been 4 years since the D was final. I have no contact with her (my choice). It was the only way I could start to heal and move on. Every time I saw her, talked to her, or heard her voice, it would send me back to beginning. Distance has helped a little but I still feel stuck. 

I was doing the online dating thing for a while but I haven’t met anyone I was interested in. The ghost of my XWW (pre-cheating) still haunts me and I just don’t seem to be attracted to anyone like I was to her. My son lives with me 100% and my daughter is with me 50%. This is fine but it doesn’t leave me with a lot of spare time for dating even if I could find someone special. It is still lonely. I miss the closeness and intimacy of a relationship.

The only up side to this is whole mess is that I have lots of time with my kids. I am doing well financially and I have peace of mind and conscience.

Conversely, my XWW and her OM broke up before our divorce was final. She joined 3 different dating sites within two weeks of moving out. I heard she has been seeing some guy for about two years. Life seems to be great for her and with plenty of free time and my alimony to pay her bills. She shows no signs of the karma bus impact.

Honestly, It felt like hell to watch her move on with others while I seem to be stuck. I realize that whoever she is with is unknowingly getting a cheating, lying ***** but I do miss the person she was before. I fear that she will return to being the sweet, loving woman I married again…for someone else.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Decimated said:


> Background...I thought I was in a solid marriage of over 13 years. I loved my wife and our family more than I ever loved anything. Then I found out she was cheating. After over a year of false R, I filed for D.
> 
> For me, divorce was a lose-lose-lose situation. I lost what I thought was the love of my life. I lost my intact family. I lost half of everything I had worked so hard for. I lost my confidence and self-esteem.
> 
> ...


 @Decimated, this brings a tear to my eye, and I'm not usually an emotional guy. God speed to you and your recovery.


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## moth-into-flame (Oct 28, 2016)

Red Sonja said:


> I didn’t have the “fear of the unknown” factor involved in my decision to leave because I have always had my own career and had lived on my own for well over a decade before I married. Trying for reconciliation was not a possibility for me, I know myself well and I was not capable of it and, my WH was not remorseful at all anyway. I will admit that I was a “hot mess” for approximately 3 months after I left the marital home. It was a shock to the system, so to speak; the betrayal, the grief and the fact that my life had taken a dramatic turn from the course it had been on for 28 years.
> 
> I focused on rebuilding my life and my social network, did a lot of introspective work on myself, turned a long term hobby into a second career of sorts and slowly, through those changes, I started becoming my normal, content and confident self again. It’s been almost 3 years now, I recently started dating again (nothing serious, just having fun) and I can honestly say I am content in my new life.
> 
> Regarding the “loneliness factor”, I felt much more alone in my marriage than I do now and, the internal peace I have now is priceless.


Good on you for all of that.


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## moth-into-flame (Oct 28, 2016)

Decimated said:


> Background...I thought I was in a solid marriage of over 13 years. I loved my wife and our family more than I ever loved anything. Then I found out she was cheating. After over a year of false R, I filed for D.
> 
> For me, divorce was a lose-lose-lose situation. I lost what I thought was the love of my life. I lost my intact family. I lost half of everything I had worked so hard for. I lost my confidence and self-esteem.
> 
> ...


That's harsh. I feel bad for you. I'm an emotional person, and those I love, I love deeply. However, maybe because of the sh*t I've been through in my life (no woe is me, it's just life), I've become pretty f'n tempered in a lot of ways. Not with my kids - I'm greatly affected by them on every level. But I was lucky in that by cheating, my exww murdered whatever love I had for her. It just went away - and I never, ever miss her or pine for her or long for "the good ole days". I think that would be rather tortuous - so I don't envy you that.

The sad part of that is that I had to completely bury, or more like incinerate any memories of her - including the good times. They're just gone. I know it's caused her great pain seeing me be able to move on completely and just stop caring about her - even though that was her doing. It's been 4 years - and every year she texts me some "I'll always regret making the biggest mistake of my life and throwing our marriage away" type thing..and every year I'm like "huh? where's this coming from?" (in my head - I don't respond). Then it'll eventually dawn on me "oh right, this would've been our 16th anniversary. I wonder what's on TV?" I had to temper myself to make it through.

Re: loneliness...I was with her from age 22 to 37. I don't get lonely because I am enjoying my freedom and my life pursuits too much. I'm never bored. The only time I get lonely is when my kids leave - but that's not really loneliness - that's just missing them. She left such a bad taste in my mouth (especially when she was having sex with the POSOM - sorry, TMI, ew) that I am loathe to get into another relationship. I've had a handful since and never felt anything. I just have a FWB - I definitely need sex. But I love being single and at this point just don't see myself in a real ltr again. I think it's important - _crucial _ for a BS to be alone for a time after a divorce and really figure out who you are. I'm still figuring that out - and in the meantime, loving having to answer to NOBODY.

The one thing that really sucks is that she's still in my life because of the kids, so she never is really 100% gone. If we didn't have kids, I would have absolutely nothing to do with her whatsoever. Ghosted. Unfortunately that just isn't the reality. Drag.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Decimated said:


> I do miss the person she was before. I fear that she will return to being the sweet, loving woman I married again…for someone else.


Here's the funny part of that statement.

She really never was that sweet, loving woman that you keep imagining.

It was all a lie.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I ended a 45 year marriage after DD2. My only regret was not getting out after DD1 thirty years before. 

Life is good.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

CantBelieveThis said:


> I believe there are all sorts of situations where a BS might end up better or worse, we will never know numbers, so it's really only what you hear of.
> It's likely thou that you will hear far more from BS that ended up better than those that ended up worse. And then there are also those that are happy with R and those that are miserable with it, it comes in all flavors.
> 
> Sent from my SM-T700 using Tapatalk


Having read a lot of these boards and from examples in my family I believe 99% of BS end up better if they leave.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> I could go on and on about how wonderful my life is without having to deal with my POSXW...
> 
> However, since you asked a broad question let me give you a macro level answer. Hope it helps.
> 
> ...


Awesome post


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I am a BS who ended up much better after divorce.

I have been divorced from my ex-wife for just over 2 years. I live with, and am engaged to a woman that I met shortly after my separation. She is the best friend and partner that I have ever had. Better than my ex ever treated me….thats for sure. We have more in common, are better off financially, and our 4 kids (2 of mine and 2 of hers) get along great. 

We have been through our ups and downs, and come out stronger because of it. My fiancé has also been previously married to a cheater, so she feels exactly the same as me about that kind of thing. It’s a comfort that I needed. And I appreciate having that.

My ex-wife seems to be happy. She has dated a lot. Recently she has been dating one guy for just over a year. My kids get along with him fine, and I get along with him fine, so that’s all cool. She and I don’t fight, and we co-parent reasonably well. 

I do know that my ex and her current boyfriend are cheating on one another. But I don’t know the nature of their relationship. It could be some sort of open relationship where they are allowed to mess around with others. I don’t know…..not my kind of thing. So if they are happy than more power to them. 

In the end I think everyone gets what they want. I am very happy in my committed monogamous relationship. My ex seems to be happy having non-committed relationships with a variety of men. Kids are fine. Finances are ok for everyone. 

My only regret is not seeing my kids more than I do. I usually see them one overnight every weekend. And then I see them during a week night. Extra during holidays, summertime, and when my ex has something going on. But I stay super close and involved with them. That’s really my only regret because everything else is better.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

snerg said:


> Here's the funny part of that statement.
> 
> She really never was that sweet, loving woman that you keep imagining.
> 
> It was all a lie.


I don't think it's funny...but it's probably true.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> Awesome post


Thank you. Just a quick follow up for OP and others looking for advice.

Happiness comes from within. Understand this. It is a byproduct of personal achievement. 

Do you want to be truly happy? Be the best person YOU can be in all areas, mental and physical.

You will NEVER be happy being codependent on another person. How can you be? Think about it.

They are also looking for fulfillment so why would they be able to provide something they don't have?

It's a fallacy spoon fed to us by modern society, Disney and Hallmark to sell you a dream. Nothing more.

Do some heavy lifting for YOU. Whatever your goals are DON'T STOP until you hit them.

The best investment you can possibly make in this world in on yourself. Isn't it? I think so.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Life post D is really whatever you make it to be. I'm a BS and very fortunate that everything worked out really well for me, and in fact life is better now than it was when I was married (and I had a good marriage). 

I was not hurt financially at all and am actually doing much better now because my XWW was a SAHM so I was paying the bills for two people off one salary. Getting rid of the that financial anchor has freed up so much money that I am planning an overseas vacation next year, electing to do some home upgrades, and am able to send my kids off to an expensive sleep away summer camp. 

Like everyone else that goes from full time parent to half time parent, there is an adjustment but it isn't all bad. When I was married I was not as interactive with my kids because I had a spouse to rely on. Now I am the parent that goes to all the school events, chaperones field trips, goes over their homework to make sure they are understanding it, and I take extra time to make sure I play with them (e.g. nerf wars around the house). So while my time when down with them the quality of my interaction went up and they look up to me more as being a great role model as a parent. 

I've reverted to my old ways from before I was married and work out more, eat healthier, and am far more active in my community. This was only possible since I freed up a lot of time that was previously dedicated to activities with my XWW. 

Dating has also changed quite a bit and I find it a lot easier at this stage of my life. I'm staying away from a committed LTR, because I just don't want one yet. But I am still able to go out with beautiful women regularly and they tend to be very good in bed and not have many sexual hangups. A lot of this is based on me being confident and direct, which is something I learned back when I was married. 

I can't directly speak for my XWW, but when I see her she seems to vacillate between content and unhappy. She's the one that got the sh1tty end of the deal when we broke up. She is now working at a low paying job, is running out of money (she started buying a few items from thrift shops, which is something she'd never do when we were married), and is not as interactive with the kids as she once was. She still is a better mom than many people I know but the "kid extra's" are falling on my shoulder's, which I like. She's got a live-in boyfriend who is a major downgrade from me (looks, athleticism, intelligence, career, salary) but seems to be a pretty nice guy and is probably a better fit for her than I was. I kind of wish she was on this forum so she could put in her perspective. Who knows, she could be perfectly happy all the other times that we aren't around each other. 

So I guess in summary, it is really up to the BS or WS to decide how they want life to be. Really, once you separate the ball is in your court and you can sit on the sidelines or step up and enjoy the game.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

You aren't going to hear much here about anyone that regrets D....but go other places like Quora or the likes and it's full of people that do and their life after D sucks.....it goes both ways, and it does

Sent from my SM-T700 using Tapatalk


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

It's interesting because I never thought I would get to the place I am in now. My x cheating and leaving me sent my life into a tail spin. She was in la la land with her POSOM and those same days I didn't want to get out of bed, eat, go to work, or take care of my kids she was having this blissful fog celebration. I went though a really destructive and painful phase for about 2 years that involved a lot of drinking, women, and neglected responsibility. Finally sought therapy to get me back on track. At the end of the day you have to come to the conclusion that it's over, mourn the loss, MAKE A PLAN, and move forward even if you have to fake it till you make it. 

I am 6 years out now and honestly very happy. I have been able to get my career on track again, repaired all the damage divorce did to my finances, have a great relationship with my kids, bought a new house, and have a successful relationship with my GF who I live with. It was not easy to reach this phase and at one time I couldn't imagine being happy again but you can and will the more distance you put from the end.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> It's interesting because I never thought I would get to the place I am in now. My x cheating and leaving me sent my life into a tail spin. She was in la la land with her POSOM and those same days I didn't want to get out of bed, eat, go to work, or take care of my kids she was having this blissful fog celebration. I went though a really destructive and painful phase for about 2 years that involved a lot of drinking, women, and neglected responsibility. Finally sought therapy to get me back on track. At the end of the day you have to come to the conclusion that it's over, mourn the loss, MAKE A PLAN, and move forward even if you have to fake it till you make it.
> 
> I am 6 years out now and honestly very happy. I have been able to get my career on track again, repaired all the damage divorce did to my finances, have a great relationship with my kids, bought a new house, and have a successful relationship with my GF who I live with. It was not easy to reach this phase and at one time I couldn't imagine being happy again but you can and will the more distance you put from the end.


Seemed to take me about 5-6 years also to reach a much much better place. We all probably thought it was the end of the world for the first couple years. But after we start taking care of ourselves, everything turns around. I was reading this post thinking about how much it mirrored my experience.

And very good advice. Like you said... "*You have to come to the conclusion that it's over, mourn the loss, MAKE A PLAN, and move forward even if you have to fake it till you make it.*"

Once you decide to accept it and move on, you start down the road to improvement.


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

Formally known as Hoosier said:


> If you want my story look under user "Hoosier" I lost that account with the shakeup, so forced to set up a new one.


Hi from Formerly known as ing.

There are few of us that came out of +20 year relationships and they take some getting over. It is not like you can just right off that person as a bad choice and move on. 

It has taken me five ( almost six) years to get to a point where i can say that I am content and happy. The truth is that I still miss the woman that loved me, desired me and wanted to be with me for all those years. That is okay. I am not going to rewrite my entire adult life to pretend that it was all awful. It wasn't. It was a huge relief when i came to that understanding. 


In the years that she was having her affair with a married man and flopping about like a fish on the shore I had been working hard to detach and move on from that place of pain, confusion and loneliness. 
I had a lovely but doomed relationship with a woman in a similar position to me and that helped both of us feel better. we both had someone to vent to, we both had someone who wanted us. It ended because it was supposed to end.

A few more years and I do not recognise myself from the man that my ExW was with. I laugh with my new girlfriend . I live by the sea. My car is old ( but awesome) and paid for. My life is simpler and there is nobody in it that I do not want. I love that.

The casualty of this break up is the belief that love will last, That it will be for a lifetime. I am sad at the loss of that and I take it one day at time and that's okay too.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> I could go on and on about how wonderful my life is without having to deal with my POSXW...
> 
> ...
> 
> ...





Wolf1974 said:


> It's interesting because I never thought I would get to the place I am in now. My x cheating and leaving me sent my life into a tail spin. She was in la la land with her POSOM and those same days I didn't want to get out of bed, eat, go to work, or take care of my kids she was having this blissful fog celebration. I went though a really destructive and painful phase for about 2 years that involved a lot of drinking, , and neglected responsibility. Finally sought therapy to get me back on track. At the end of the day you have to come to the conclusion that it's over, mourn the loss, MAKE A PLAN, and move forward even if you have to fake it till you make it.
> 
> I am 6 years out now and honestly very happy. I have been able to get my career on track again, repaired all the damage divorce did to my finances, have a great relationship with my kids, bought a new house, and have a successful relationship with my GF who I live with. It was not easy to reach this phase and at one time I couldn't imagine being happy again but you can and will the more distance you put from the end.





inging said:


> Hi from Formerly known as ing.
> 
> There are few of us that came out of +20 year and they take some getting over. It is not like you can just right off that person as a bad choice and move on.
> 
> ...


What heartfelt, raw and honest posts...the three of you moved me greatly reading them, I teared up. I honestly don't know if I could survive what you three (and many others here) have. Makes me want to go and hug my husband tight.

Thankyou for sharing and I'm so happy that you've all found happiness again. You surely deserve it after going through all that pain x


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

BetrayedDad said:


> I could go on and on about how wonderful my life is without having to deal with my POSXW...
> 
> However, since you asked a broad question let me give you a macro level answer. Hope it helps.
> 
> ...


I couldn't agree more! Fear is what stops people in their tracks. It stopped me, but I also didn't have a choice (cheating spouse left me) so I was actually fortunate in that.

For me, it was the fear of not being with her. Not because I actually wanted to be with _her_, but because it's all I knew for a decade and a half.

A not-too-distant second was fear of change. I was comfortable, had worked hard to get where I was, had 'stuff', pets, good in-laws, lots of 'couple friends' - all that was gone.

But being (in my case) forced to start a new life was a blessing. I found myself and I know who I am now. That's so much more important than anything else. The person I am now is night and day from the person I used to be, in a good way. My ex wife would recognize me if she saw me, but not if she struck up a conversation with me.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

She needed something else - not me. 
It hurt.
I choose not to be consumed by resentment or filled with argument. 
My life goes on.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

frusdil said:


> What heartfelt, raw and honest posts...the three of you moved me greatly reading them, I teared up. I honestly don't know if I could survive what you three (and many others here) have. Makes me want to go and hug my husband tight.
> 
> Thankyou for sharing and I'm so happy that you've all found happiness again. You surely deserve it after going through all that pain x


Thank you. You never really know what you are capable of until you face something heart wrenching like this. For me the decision was not to let her rob me of any more of my life and that the best revenge would be to live welll. And I am !


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