# Hello Everyone!



## Loyalty (Nov 7, 2017)

I go by the forum name Loyalty. I am a wife and mother who found out in February of this year that my husband of 10 years had an affair on me. He had the affair last year with a woman 14 years younger than him, 9 years younger than me. Finding out about this affair, and dealing with the weight of it has been one tiring and confusing experience. I am bitter, jaded, and I can tell I have changed from a once happy person to a very angry person. I was always the one that saw the glass half full. I no longer have the innocent eyes and pure heart about my marriage, and I have a very skewed vision of my husband now. He no longer resides on the pedal stool I had him on. I have always been faithful and loyal to no end (hence the forum name), and you can only talk to your friends about the humiliating affair so much. I wanted to come to a place where others could give me their perspective and help me heal, and vice versa.

I have decided to try to work it out with my husband since this is the first affair that he has had on me (always the optimist), but it is difficult because it is going against my pride, and everything that I stand for morally. We are going to counseling and I have read a couple self help books to understand his infidelity. I can't say that I do, but I understand more now than I did before. So with that said, hopefully I can offer some advice or views to the forum. :smile2:


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Is he truly remorseful?

Is he totally transparent? 

Will he let you ask questions without being angry about you not being over it?


Why do you want to save your marriage?

Is your marriage worth saving? Was it so good that you think we can get past this?

What is your gut telling you to do?


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Sorry that you are here under the circumstances.

How long did the affair last?

You'll get a lot of various advice but just be aware that the majority of posters are pretty hard on cheaters. It's your choice to reconcile, but many here will want to feel assured that your husband is truly remorseful, else they will tell you that you're wasting your efforts and time.

Can you tell us the specific things he's done to help heal the marriage since you found out?

Has he read any books? 

How did you find out?


----------



## Loyalty (Nov 7, 2017)

Is he truly remorseful? I believe him to be. I have witnessed him crying quite a few times since the affair was first discovered, and he had even cried during counseling a couple times. But there are thoughts that I have that sometimes make me feel like he is crying because he got caught.

Is he totally transparent? Yes. He has a Find my Friend App on his phone where I can see where he is at anytime, I look at his phone and financials (credit cards and debit cards). Plus I have access to email and social media accounts.

Will he let you ask questions without being angry about you not being over it? This one varies. There are times where he is open, and there are times he has gotten defensive, and honestly, he was still not telling me everything until I compared it all (his old text messages, to his time cards that he provided, to his financial accounts and put everything on a calendar). I discovered two other times where he was with her that he failed to tell me about. He said he didn't want to give me more poison since I was already looking at him differently, had one foot out the door, etc. But he appears to be an open book now. 


Why do you want to save your marriage? We were friends for 7 years before we ever dated, dated for 3.5 years and have been married 10 years. We have a lot of history, a child, house, cars, etc. We have a great life and he was always the love of my life. I believe in giving people second chances, and I hold onto the idea that if we can get through this, we will have a stronger and better marriage. So I am hoping to see if our marriage develops into that. 

Is your marriage worth saving? Was it so good that you think we can get past this? Our marriage had its ups and downs like anyone, but it is worth saving. I read somewhere that you take the time he was in the affair (considering it the bad time) and compare it against the time you had a solid marriage. Our marriage was good 93% of the time. 7% was bad, which was the affair. Why would I leave if our marriage was good 93% of the time? 

What is your gut telling you to do? My heart wants to work it out. My brain is my pride and it says to separate and make him suffer. But I ultimately do not want to get divorced. I came from a family where my mother left my father, and I don't want my child to grow up without their daddy. Especially since I live in an area where I have no family.


----------



## Loyalty (Nov 7, 2017)

Sorry that you are here under the circumstances. - Thank you. I am too. 

How long did the affair last? 
The affair lasted May of 2016 to August 2016. But I believe it was over July 2016. She was married and served divorce papers August 2016 (her husband found out before I was able to confirm and he filed) and started dating immediately afterwards.

You'll get a lot of various advice but just be aware that the majority of posters are pretty hard on cheaters. It's your choice to reconcile, but many here will want to feel assured that your husband is truly remorseful, else they will tell you that you're wasting your efforts and time.

Can you tell us the specific things he's done to help heal the marriage since you found out? 
He has a Find my Friends App on his phone, he changed his phone number, and I have access to everything, so he is being transparent. Plus he is attending counseling with me. If you have any other ideas on what I can have him do, I am all ears. 

Has he read any books? 
I bought three books that I have read, one for him specifically and he has read most of it, but not quite. I know he doesn't like being reminded he did this, but I have been pretty hard on him and don't let him forget it. 

How did you find out? I reached out to the AP husband and he confirmed what I already knew, although I would have figured it out eventually by looking at credit cards, etc.


----------

