# Need sage advice - wife wants divorce - in CA



## shoulda_known_better (Jun 8, 2013)

I hope someone can help me with what I should do. I written this post a few times and it goes on forever, so as needed and if wanted I can provide background.

I feel rudderless and lost. I go from deep depression to anger, and some times have a glint of positivity (which is what I always strive to be). I am (and it's probably my downfall) a deeply caring person. I feel for people and I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. Sometimes I wish I didn't have this sensitivity.

My wife wants a divorce after nearly 15 yrs of marriage and we have two young children. 

Here's kind of a background - there's more than this, but it would go on forever:

We have no bad debt issues, great credit, just refinanced the home, no infidelity (that I'm aware of), and we don't fight often, but when we do fight, it's usually her going ballistic and me trying to understand what's happening. It goes from 0-60 instantaneously and ends up with her berating me, going on ad-nauseum beating me repeatedly with her same words and accusing me of messing with her mind (something her parents did), and threatening divorce or trying to throw me out. In the past she's told me she hated me plus called me every terrible name you can think of. She's the only person who has driven me to call her an f'ing B*tch. I never want to talk to someone I love like that.

These things always blindside me and typically begin from an innocuous conversation or from a question. An example would be her saying, "I need help around the house - or with the kids" as if I'm not helping out. Now, I already do all the grocery shopping with kids in tow, virtually all cooking (for our entire 20 yr relationship), plus dishes until 2 yrs ago. picking up after the kids, doing all the yard work, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, plus work my butt off in my very stressful base+commission sales job to come home, spend time with the kids, make dinner, get them ready for bed. And when they were babies, I changed their diapers, got up in the middle of the night and walked then in my arms around the house until they fell asleep (my wife wouldn't pump into bottles, wouldn't let them have pacifiers, and insisted they sleep in our bed, but wouldn't get up with them and if nursing didn't work, she'd complain).

So when I replied, "I do help. I do lots of things" she told me I'm invalidating her feelings. then I say, "but I'm not, I'm.." she interrupts and just goes crazy yelling at me, "yes you do". Eventually, it gets to a point where I can explain, that "I'm not trying to invalidate anything, I'm just trying to tell you I DO help" . Then I'm told I don't care and she's so exhausted. I am just bewildered. "I'm tired, too". "You're invalidating me again!!!" Still to her, I'm invalidating her feelings and not only that, I'm chipping away at her self-esteem. I must be dense.

Nearly every day I'd tell her she was beautiful and I loved her and tried to make her feel special, but to her, it's like it never happened. I'd be up early with the kids and she'd sleep in. She'd take naps during the day, leaving the kids to watch tv or play computer games, while I'm at work.

My wife is a master at arguing. She captained her high school debate team. As one friend put it who got into a semi-heated-friendly argument, "it's like arguing with an attorney. You can't win."

She and I have no family support system around us, which has made things difficult. We were also raised similarly where we could not argue with our parents (I'd get my face slapped). I think this is why she got into debate as she got older. Me, on the the other hand, I shut down. I'm good on paper, but verbally, I'm tongue-tied and can't put my thoughts together well in emotionally-charged situations.

Through all these years, all I've ever wanted was her happiness (and mine). I've given her everything she's wanted from moving from my hometown, I've sacrificed the things I loved to do, bought us a house, had babies, and even surprised her with a Toyota Sienna after our second child.

Our second child is a handful and at nearly 4, he still sleeps with her, I left the bedroom 3 years ago because I had big pressure to perform at my job (I do presentations for groups of 50+ people and answer tough questions) and he kicked, unlike my daughter when she was a baby. We'd still have sex from time to time in the other room.

There were times, especially just prior to learning that we were going to have our first baby, that I really wanted out because of her anger. I was in therapy and my therapist said she was verbally abusive. But I couldn't leave her alone. She (until the last 5 years) only had me. Her family is in the midwest and she didn't want to be around them, but had no friends here, though I encouraged her to find/make new friends, they never lasted. I couldn't abandon her.

I'm 9 years older than she is and she just turned 40 the other day. I've read about walk away wife syndrome and mid-life crisis. It feels like that's what it is...

Over the last year, she's gone through some transformations and has gotten ambitious career-wise (which is something I've always wanted her to do). She managed to contact and is working on a book with a sports celebrity, who holds world records, has tv shows, etc. She hasn't made a dime in the year and a half she's put into the project and has spent a lot of our money (including and ambulance ride and emergency room visit in Las Vegas), plus a TON of time into putting it together. The project is on hold because the business manager doesn't think it's time for this book. She's trying to drum up more business, but there's not enough to support herself.

Another thing is that she insists on homeschooling the kids. Our daughter is 7. 

Soooo. Back to now. She said she doesn't want to make it difficult for me so that I can go on and be happy and she can be happy. She wants mediation and not in a hurry to for me to move out. I stayed pretty cordial because I just didn't know whether to think this is good or bad. A few nights later, I'm going to bed and there she is - naked and wanting sex. wtf? I couldn't resist and it was the best sex in more than 10 yrs. A couple weeks later, same thing.

Then suddenly, last week she goes on the warpath, raging at me 3 times in 4 days and saying she wants me out asap. Once it was because I asked "Can I pee?" when she was telling me repeatedly she wanted me to get our son ready for bed - something I do every night (I was peeing at the time she was asking me). She accused me of attacking her verbally! She even started packing my bags and when I said "Come on. This is going too far" she said she was calling the police. I called her bluff, "Yes officer, I said can I pee? and here you are..." I'm usually able to talk her down but getting there is going through hell!

So, we've been married over 10 yrs in CA, two kids, I'm having the worst year earnings-wise in my job (its an industry-thing, not me slacking), she has made less and less over the past few years from freelancing because she's spending all this time trying to write this book she's not been paid for anything on. She wants to be self-employed and home school the kids. Plus she wants me to move out.

I'm VERY stressed about my position and how I'm going to survive. I'm MOST concerned about being screwed on spousal support. 

I've been looking at apartments and may put a deposit on one and it makes me nervous. Yesterday wife tells me "I don't want you to think I'm using you or anything, but maybe we should get a separation, so I can be on your health insurance..."

I have no problem with supporting my kids. That's my biggest heartbreak is being away from them and I worry how they will react to all this, though everyone says they're resilient. But there's also this (probably stupid) side of me that wishes my wife and I can work it out. Problem is, my intuition is telling me otherwise. When I was young, my intuition never let me down. As I got older, my heart got in the way.

Other things I'm worried about; I don't know if I need to setup a personal checking account and start having my paychecks deposited there and should I take half the savings to be on the safe side? I keep hearing these horror stories of walk away wives just emptying accounts...

If you've read through this, thank you very much. If someone can help me with suggestions, experience, etc, I would be extremely grateful as I'm totally lost and confused as to what to do.

Thank you...


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

shoulda_known_better said:


> I hope someone can help me with what I should do. I written this post a few times and it goes on forever, so as needed and if wanted I can provide background.
> 
> I feel rudderless and lost. I go from deep depression to anger, and some times have a glint of positivity (which is what I always strive to be). I am (and it's probably my downfall) a deeply caring person. I feel for people and I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. Sometimes I wish I didn't have this sensitivity.
> 
> ...


I think you should do what your heart tells you. If you still love her and willing to work it out, then talk to her. Suggest going to MC AND IF SHE REFUSE, then stand your ground. Don't move out of the house you built and think about the kids. Sometimes they can act on emotion. Due everything you can to save your family. D is very painful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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