# If Your Wife's Friends Don't Like You, You're Screwed.



## gene_vincent (Jan 10, 2016)

my wife's friends can't stand my guts. they're constantly in her ear talking bad about me, telling her she's too good for me and that she should leave me. they are all single and in their early thirties. they like to party. they call my wife every saturday night for a "girl's night out". I try to persuade her not to go and lately we've been getting in heated arguments over it. I think these women are a toxic influence on my wife and I don't know what to do


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Do you have children?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

This friends have to go from your Marriage. Tell this to your wife and let her decide YOU or her friends. No discusion.

You know they will try and set her up with some of the guys.

I dont know how your wife can be with them,when they talk so bad about you. 

She has no respect for you my friend.

You have to act fast,this is your life and your marriage.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

How do you know, does your wife tell you or do you hear it from them directly?


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are correct to be worried. If she's wanting to go out on weekends without you with anyone, including girlfriends but especially single ones, you'd better start detaching now.

So sorry
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

I find it hard to understand why your wife would hang out with people who bad-mouthed you. I would not stand for that, not for one second. You don't bad-mouth my husband or my kids, that's a deal breaker for my friendship.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

gene_vincent said:


> my wife's friends can't stand my guts. they're constantly in her ear talking bad about me, telling her she's too good for me and that she should leave me. they are all single and in their early thirties. they like to party. they call my wife every saturday night for a "girl's night out". I try to persuade her not to go and lately we've been getting in heated arguments over it. I think these women are a toxic influence on my wife and I don't know what to do


Doesn't sound good buddy. Most of the folks here at TAM don't support Girls / Guys Nights Out. I don't think it's time to detach, or assume she's cheating, or divorce--too early in the game for that. 

Have you heard them talking about you like this? Did your Wife say they do? Have you seen texts to this effect? Or are you just worried they are doing these things? What evidence do you have? Is it just a feeling?

I think you need to discuss with your wife about the Girls Nights Out needing to come to an immediate end. If you're having Guys Nights Out, that needs to come to an end too. Suggest some other activities with her friends that don't involve debauchery.


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## gene_vincent (Jan 10, 2016)

technovelist said:


> Do you have children?


yes, one young child



giddiot said:


> How do you know, does your wife tell you or do you hear it from them directly?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


when i'm around them (which isn't much) they'll throw in a snide comment here and there. nothing too bad, but enough to know they're not very fond of me

my wife tells me behind my back they'll say things like "i'm boring" and "you could do better". my wife says she ignores them when they talk trash about me and not to worry about it. still, her insistence on going to these "girls night outs" is worrisome


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Tell your wife to end her friendships. These women are toxic to your marriage. If she doesn't end these friendships, your marriage is doomed. Go out with your wife, not with these "Girls' Night Out" with single women. They'll go to bars, hit on guys, sleep with them, and will encourage your wife to do the same. 

If your wife refuses, end your marriage. You deserve a better wife than with a party girl. If your wife doesn't work, make her get a job. She should spend the time with you and not with toxic friends.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

gene_vincent said:


> yes, one young child
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She is disrespecting you hanging out with them. Take a stand and tell her you can go out with them and become single or she can stop and be with you. I would so embarrass them and my wife the would never have anything to do with her again. They will realize she is telling you.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Have you ever shown up at one? They already bad mouth you so, I'd let her go and see where they end up. Find a corner and watch her behavior.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

gene_vincent said:


> yes, one young child
> 
> 
> 
> ...


How do you rate yourself on your qualities in those things you can control? 

Career/employment
Bad/good habits
Health/bathing/appearance
Emotional intelligence/maturity
relationship intelligence
Ect..


If you where confident in having your shyte together would their words still sting?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

gene_vincent said:


> my wife's friends can't stand my guts. they're constantly in her ear talking bad about me, telling her she's too good for me and that she should leave me. they are all single and in their early thirties. they like to party. they call my wife every saturday night for a "girl's night out". I try to persuade her not to go and lately we've been getting in heated arguments over it. I think these women are a toxic influence on my wife and I don't know what to do


It's not necessarily you but the idea of you (her steady). And if she's not set her boundaries then she wasn't ready to leave her single life style. My wife had a couple of those friends when we started dating and she left them behind because they didn't care about her being happy. They just wanted her to keep partying. She also had a couple of friends who were happy that she found someone she wanted to change for and settle down for. She didn't leave them behind.

You're blaming her friends gene but this is your wife's problem.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

gene_vincent said:


> yes, one young child


That's too bad, because it limits your freedom of action.

Nonetheless, you have to put a stop to this behavior of your wife's or you are going to be back here in a few months or a year telling us you have found out that she is screwing some other guy.

Read "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" and "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and get back to us.

Also read the http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html thread and get ready to play James Bond. You don't know what she has been doing that you don't know about.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The friends aren't the problem. If she was very committed to you and the marriage she wouldn't hang out with people who talk smack about you. She wouldn't regularly play single party girl. She's either with you because that's where she wants to be or you don't need her. You might try asking her out on a date for Saturday night well in advance so when her trashy friends call, she's already scheduled. Meanwhile, spend as much time with your child as possible, become the one obvious stable, reliable figure in that child's life. If she wants to be a party animal or if she wants to find some other dude, she will eventually be gone (and you'll probably be better off). Quietly arrange things so every sane person on earth sees you as the responsible parent who doesn't spend their time bar hopping like a 22 year old or spying like some psycho stalker but on parenting. If some woman who doesn't want to be wife or mother walks out on you, what have you lost? Not a damned thing. Losing that would be about as tragic as losing a tumor.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

technovelist said:


> That's too bad, because it limits your freedom of action.
> 
> Nonetheless, you have to put a stop to this behavior of your wife's or you are going to be back here in a few months or a year telling us you have found out that she is screwing some other guy.
> 
> ...


I agree. Definitely read both of those books.

It wouldn't hurt to familiarize yourself with the Standard Evidence Post, but I'd probably not go into full-blown surveillance mode just yet. You need to start thinking of how you want to address this with your wife. Her friends need to go, but if you just go in scorched earth style, you very well may lose. Even if she dropped them, she'll probably resent you for it.

She'll need to understand why this isn't acceptable behavior for a married woman with a child. Are these her only friends? Does she have plenty more to replace them?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wow. I'm blown away that your wife allows her friends to badmouth you! No way in he!l would I stand by and allow ANYONE to disrespect my husband. Those friends would be long gone had they been mine!

My husband is my life partner. I chose him. I married him. He is my life and comes before everyone and everything else in my life.

Your wife's behaviour is absolutely appalling and disrespectful.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just get them all pregnant and they will probably stop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

They are trying to get her laid with bigger and better in their eyes, The clubbing with them needs to stop if she resists then they have already helped her get another and she is off to meet him, Tell her straight you don't trust them and know with the bad mouthing and disrespect that they will get her a new lover if she hasn't got one already or one night stands they are single and resent you taking her from them and they want her back so what you going to do about it? this is no different from another male prowling about as the results will be the same


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Has she told you what the friends say about you such that you can directly confront the friend.

I would tell your wife them or me. If they feel the need to backstab you then they aren't friends of the marriage.

Time to step up. If she's doing lots of girls nights out, you need to get that under wraps ASAP.


Need details on what they are bad mouthing you about.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Who is with your child while she is out partying with single women?

Why does she party with single women? The fact is, if her mind were on her husband and child, her friends wouldn't have such away. 

What are you doing to spend time with your wife on Friday and Saturday nights? If you aren't spending time dating her, someone else will--- her girlfriends.

Identify what's wrong in your relationship and fix your end. It may be that very little is your fault. It may be a lot. 

Either way-/-- it's obvious their relationship with your wife is toxic.

You can bet that a woman out with single friends will describe you as "controlling" if you try to tell her not to go. You have to make her want to be with you. If you can't because she wants to be with her friends (translated-- get attn from men or chase them) that badly then my previous advice will stay the same. Detach, detach, detach.
Do not act weak, beg, or demand. Whatever you do, be firm and decisive. Women do not respect weakness. Better to go ballistic and tell her how it's going to be than take the pansy route and "talk it over" with her while she tells you to go **** yourself. 

How is your job? Weight? Self confidence? Do you feel like you can't live without her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Kivlor said:


> I agree. Definitely read both of those books.
> 
> It wouldn't hurt to familiarize yourself with the Standard Evidence Post, but I'd probably not go into full-blown surveillance mode just yet. You need to start thinking of how you want to address this with your wife. *Her friends need to go, but if you just go in scorched earth style, you very well may lose. Even if she dropped them, she'll probably resent you for it.
> *
> She'll need to understand why this isn't acceptable behavior for a married woman with a child. Are these her only friends? Does she have plenty more to replace them?


He's got nothing to lose here. Sounds like her friends are toxic to his marriage so he needs to get in front of this. It will be virtually impossible to no be confrontational about it when it gets to the point you feel the need to post on TAM about it. 

OP you really need to put down some boundaries here. Most likely you'll get called controlling but that's what is needed here.

Start replacing her time with gfs with time with you and start talking this stuff out. 

When your wife's gfs are bad mouthing you, it's wise of you to pick up on the fact that something is amiss. Start dating your wife.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Insulting my husband is insulting me and my family too. 

She should consider herself a unit with you and be on your side.

I understand some little things here and there, general complaining about things to friends or some joking between friends, but overall the message sent to outside parties should be positive and show a strong united front between you two.

Her friends say those things because she allows it, because she doesn't take your side, because she probably talks about about you to them too. 
Getting rid of the friends is not going to solve your problem, SHE needs to be willing to stand up for and with you in general no matter who she is with.
I also think that too much independent behavior isn't good for a marriage. Once a week GNO is way too much IMO. Married couples often don't have that much time together anyway with work and the kids, as much as possible should be spent together. Recreational companionship should be spent together.
Saturdays should be date nights, not alone time and you both likely need a break from being at home and with the child all the time so she needs to be willing to switch those nights out with the girls to being with you. 
If she doesn't want to and isn't willing to, that is a bigger problem than who her friends are. They could be anyone, it's her that needs to change.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

gene_vincent said:


> my wife's friends can't stand my guts. they're constantly in her ear talking bad about me, telling her she's too good for me and that she should leave me. they are all single and in their early thirties. they like to party. they call my wife every saturday night for a "girl's night out". I try to persuade her not to go and lately we've been getting in heated arguments over it. I think these women are a toxic influence on my wife and I don't know what to do


How funny. As soon as I saw the title to this thread I KNEW she was in a group of prowling cougars. I can't wait to read on (my favorite topic).


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Have you ever shown up at one? They already bad mouth you so, I'd let her go and see where they end up. Find a corner and watch her behavior.


I can answer that one for you. The answer is no. Nor will he. By FAR the easiest infidelity to catch and BH's REFUSE to do it.

I will never understand it.

If you do work up the nads to spy on her, it will be an education. Of that I ma sure.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> He's got nothing to lose here. Sounds like her friends are toxic to his marriage so he needs to get in front of this. It will be virtually impossible to no be confrontational about it when it gets to the point you feel the need to post on TAM about it.
> 
> OP you really need to put down some boundaries here. Most likely you'll get called controlling but that's what is needed here.
> 
> ...


Maybe I came across the wrong way. OP, under no circumstances should you negotiate, beg or grovel. I was trying to advocate for picking your battles, and making sure you are ready when you do take this on. It will have to be addressed directly at some point.

What Jdawg says is great advice: start replacing her time with her gfs with time together. Get someone to babysit on the nights they usually go out, and start taking her on dates. Schedule time at home to watch a movie and cook dinner together. 

You are going to come across as controlling when you make demands like "leave all your friends for me" (no real way to avoid it completely, but I think it can be mitigated). Which is also why I asked if she has other friends. If you're only telling her to drop a few, and she has many others, I don't think it will be a big deal to address head on immediately. 

If these are pretty much her only friends, you need to be aware that A) she will likely view your request with hostility and resentment and B) she will need to build new friendships and you'll need to encourage and support it (not just lip service mind you!). You can go ahead and address it, but be mindful of what you are doing and telling her.

Under no circumstances should you ask her to leave her friends. You need to tell her that this is a boundary you're unwilling to see crossed. Asking is weakness, and she'll not respect you for it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Just get them all pregnant and they will probably stop.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:nono:>

But seriously establish boundaries and if she doesn't comply you have a tough decision to make.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Kivlor said:


> What Jdawg says is great advice: start replacing her time with her gfs with time together. Get someone to babysit on the nights they usually go out, and start taking her on dates. Schedule time at home to watch a movie and cook dinner together.


Let us know how that goes. I'm guessing something to the tune of "not too well".

She goes out to party with STRANGE men, not her husband.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

gene_vincent said:


> my wife's friends can't stand my guts. they're constantly in her ear talking bad about me, telling her she's too good for me and that she should leave me. they are all single and in their early thirties. they like to party. they call my wife every saturday night for a "girl's night out". I try to persuade her not to go and lately we've been getting in heated arguments over it. I think these women are a toxic influence on my wife and I don't know what to do


I had a similar situation, and with a good result.

Stop arguing. Let her go. Be awesome instead. She'll come around, or she won't. 

BTW, 99% of these friends have gone by the wayside, ejected by my wife because "they're so immature and exhausting," particularly when a sizeable fraction of them started hitting on _me_ when I became more awesome.

You can't ultimatum her or control her into seeing this. She has to see it for herself.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/27426-what-ive-learned-past-year-good-news-story.html


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

marduk said:


> I had a similar situation, and with a good result.
> 
> Stop arguing. Let her go. Be awesome instead. She'll come around, or she won't.
> 
> ...


You have to show her you don't give a crap what she does and are willing to move on if need be.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

tom67 said:


> You have to show her you don't give a crap what she does and are willing to move on if need be.


WHAT? You left her because you couldn't handle her going out with friends every now and then? What a D1CK!!!

SPY! It won't take long. I can guarantee it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I remember having one of the last one of these examples of my wife's "friends" over to the house. 

Perpetually single, and perpetually wanted my wife to be, too. She was actually angry way back when we started dating because she wanted my wife to stay single so they could party together.

Anyway, she's over for coffee at my wife's invitation. I'm trying my best to ignore her because I can't stand her. I come into the kitchen, and this chick is clearly irritated at our kids running around demanding my wife's attention as she tries to get out a story of how her last relationship of a year ended.

So I round up the kids, get them busy... Make my cappuccino, and go to leave the room, and this chick has the gall to ask me why all the guys she meets are losers.

So I said "Remember when my wife and I started dating, and you were more into finding boy toys to party with that would chase you around instead of having to do real work in a relationship with a grown up man? Looks like you're still trying to be 25 to me. And in your late 30's, that looks pretty painful."

And then I walked out the door with a smirk on my face.

Funny, I haven't seen her around for a while.


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## gene_vincent (Jan 10, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Who is with your child while she is out partying with single women?
> 
> Why does she party with single women? The fact is, if her mind were on her husband and child, her friends wouldn't have such away.
> 
> ...


-I stay home with our son while she's out. it's actually kinda nice getting in some father-son time since I work a lot

-those are her old friends from highschool & college that she's managed to stay in touch with. she has known them longer than she's known me, so I've always felt its not my place to come in-between them. but I know now that must change.

-I admit I don't set up "date nights" often. that's something i'm going to have to change. I have a grueling work schedule so on weekends I just like to relax, play some games, and watch TV.

job? I hate my job

weight? I'm slim but i'm not a fitness kind of guy. I'm probably too skinny for my own good

self confidence? suffered from depression and social anxiety for years. still something i'm working on...

can I live without her? I don't know...all I know is I *need* her and can't lose her


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

gene_vincent said:


> -I stay home with our son while she's out. it's actually kinda nice getting in some father-son time since I work a lot
> 
> -those are her old friends from highschool & college that she's managed to stay in touch with. she has known them longer than she's known me, so I've always felt its not my place to come in-between them. but I know now that must change.
> 
> ...


Going to be blunt here:

If all you do is sit around the house and play games and relax on the weekends, and she's a party girl--- that is boring her, you're easy for her friends to pick on, and you've got to stop that. Invest your weekends in her, and see if she will invest hers in you.

If you "need" her, she will sense this and have no respect for you. You MUST gain self confidence and get over the "depression" thing or she is history. She wants to be wanted, not needed.

My advice:
Get in a gym, or just use some self discipline and start working out and exercising. Get in shape. It will help with depression and self confidence. Flirt with girls a little and get to the point that you KNOW you can find a woman if she was gone, but treat your lady like you are excited you are going to see her. Do things with her. Take her places. Don't be complacent and let those single friends steal her away from you. You staying home with the baby while she parties with single friends is really screwed up.

You have two choices: show your wife a husband that she'd hate to lose, or show her a husband that she'd hate to keep. 

You don't have to spend every weekend working to keep your wife, but you need to date her, stand up and make your wife know you're a man and not a babysitter, and start building your self confidence.

I wish you luck. The wife's friends will be packing your bags if you're not careful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

gene_vincent said:


> ...all I know is I *need* her and can't lose her


Fix this crap and half your battle is won. Your problem is not her skanky friends. Only a part of your problem is your wife. Most of your problem is yourself.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

gene_vincent said:


> can I live without her? I don't know...all I know is I *need* her and can't lose her


I think most women want to respect their guy. They want a guy who wants them and needs them but knows he can live without them. That's my opinion anyway. To me the idea that you "Can't lose her" is sabotaging because if she tests the waters and you don't call her on it because 'you can't live without her' then you're less respectable. The fact is, you were okay before her and you would be okay without her if that happens. If you don't believe that then maybe that's the biggest problem going on.

If we separate the issues then yes you should date her, you should want her, and you should let her know. You should also let her know that her hanging with friends who talk crap about you isn't going to work for you, her talking crap about you to them isn't going to work, and that she can make those choices. But you need to realize that's the truth. You will be okay either way. The worst option is staying with her if she doesn't think you rock.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

tom67 said:


> You have to show her you don't give a crap what she does and are willing to move on if need be.


Simple but true advice. The issue is the people who need this advice have a hard time putting it into action. Especially when their partner starts barking because they sense they can't play puppet master anymore:grin2:


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

tom67 said:


> You have to show her you don't give a crap what she does...


Party girls LOVE that attitude in their men.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

gene_vincent said:


> can I live without her? I don't know...all I know is I *need* her and can't lose her


Which is why you are staying away from the meant markets, I'll presume. I'm guessing you'd rather NOT see anything that will change your mind.

Ok.

So what ARE you going to do?


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

Soon the weekend and part time will be upon you so the burning question is now that you have told her how you feel about the toxic friends and they aren't welcome in the house until they change their attitude, And that question is is she yours or theirs this weekend or the weekends to follow?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> gene_vincent said:
> 
> 
> > -I stay home with our son while she's out. it's actually kinda nice getting in some father-son time since I work a lot
> ...


Is she a party girl, or are you neglecting her?

It sounds to me like the latter. You don't like your job, you're possibly depressed... you put in too many hours on the job and don't want to do anything on the weekends.

I don't think she necessarily wants to go out with the girls more than she wants to spend time with you. I think she goes out with the girls because it's more fun than staying home while you ignore her and watch TV. It sounds to me like that is what's going on here.

The whole "_You have to show her you don't give a crap what she does and are willing to move on if need be_" isn't going to work if you've already been showing her that you don't care about her. An apathetic partner is very easy to walk away from, and you seem to be mired in your own depression. I have a feeling this is why her friends are talking sh!t about you.

Back in the days when I was married, my friends LOVED my husband when he was making me happy. When he started to make me miserable, they hated him. Their feelings about him weren't actually ABOUT HIM; their feelings were about how he made me feel and what his behavior was doing to ME, and this is how they showed their support. Ponder on that for a moment. Have they always disliked you? Or is it something newer? If it's the latter, I suspect that she's unhappy, and has expressed this to them. Given that she's told you about their comments, she may be trying to indirectly express her discontent to you. How is communication between the two of you? Can she easily and clearly express to you if and how her needs aren't being met? And how do you respond in these situations?

Start putting some effort into yourself, and start putting some more effort into your relationship and effort into _her_.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

OP - one thing I learned while dating many years ago. Learning about your girlfriends friends and family says a lot about your girlfriend. I know I got dumped by one girl, because I was not enough of a partier (she was getting this from her friends). That showed me I needed to pay attention to what others were saying to her about me and life in general.


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