# Why do some women have extramarital affairs?



## kevin32 (Sep 24, 2010)

This question is for women only.

When I was married, my wife cheated on me with another man. She never gave me a clear explanation as to why, but over the years after talking to men and women about relationships, I came up with 3 reasons why I feel some women have extramarital affairs:

A: She wants variety. She already has the safety and convenience of a committed relationship, and the sex is good. But she's getting bored with having sex with the same man all the time and she simply wants to have experiences with other men, without jeopardizing her current relationship.

B: The sex isn't good. Outside of bed, he's loving, compassionate, and listens to her. But in bed he's impotent, he's not good at what he does, or he doesn't want to have sex as often as she does, leaving her unfulfilled. He's a good husband and partner, but not a good lover.

C: The sex IS good, but there's no emotional bonding. In bed, he knows what to say and do to cause her to feel sweet sensations all over. But outside of bed he's cold, demeaning and inconsiderate of her feelings. He's a good lover, but not a good husband and partner.

I know this doesn't cover every possible reason why a woman would have an extramarital affair, but based on my experience from talking to others, I find these are the most common.

Ladies, I'm asking if you would arrange these in order from most common to least common (example: BCA, or ACB, etc.), based on your personal views and talks you've had with other women. Feel free to add in other <popular> reasons that I might not be aware of. Thanks.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Not a woman, but...

What my psychologist told me was that the majority of people, men and women, cheat because of the reasons in the second half of C ("cold, demeaning and inconsiderate of her[his] feelings". The emotional bonding is broken.

Yes, there are people who cheat because of sex, but that isn't the majority. The emotional cheating may end up as a physical affair, but it's the emotional part that usually starts the ball rolling.

But I'll let some of the ladies voice their opinions.


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## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

I've never had an affair but I would have to say C,B,A.

C is what is applying to me right now in my marriage. B doesn't apply in my current situation but I can see where it could be a problem. I think A is in the minority but definitely does happen.


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## willzy (Aug 4, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> Yes, there are people who cheat because of sex, but that isn't the majority. The emotional cheating may end up as a physical affair, but it's the emotional part that usually starts the ball rolling.
> 
> But I'll let some of the ladies voice their opinions.


yes, this is why my wife had an affair.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I personally don't know any women who have wanted something different in the sex department so they set out to find a lover on the side. In all cases I know of personally, it was due to feeling undervalued as a woman...

Either the husband was too focused on work and hobbies leaving very little time left to invest in the marriage (feeling low on the priority list), 

or the wife felt her role changed from his wife to his mother along the way if she didn't feel her husband took charge of work, finances, parenting, running the house, etc. & demanded attention but did not offer much in the way of emotional support in return (lost respect for him)

or in some cases, there were specific events that built up resentment such as not being there for her when she suffered a great loss (of a parent, etc.) or worried about a medical issue, or made negative comments about her appearance. (harbors resentment)

All of these are related to an emotional disconnect from her husband and when a man comes along and gives her the attention, validates her as a woman, it can snowball from there.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Swedish is dead on. Also he is selfish and cares nothing for her needs and feelings, as long as he gets his way. After all it's all about him, isn't it?


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## kevin32 (Sep 24, 2010)

Thanks everyone for responding. I just needed another's perspective on this.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

All 3 of your 'potential' answers tend to surround sex. Sex in most cases for women has very little to do with it. It tends to be a mixture of:

*areas where we as men stop meeting their needs in different areas (if we ever had met them properly at all), 
*we stop paying as much attention to our wives
*we are doing what can be called "love extinguishers", i.e. things that infuriate or frustrate our wives


and into this situation comes a co-worker/friend/old aqcuatinace/old boyfriend either in person or through facebook or some other means who pays attention to them, who isn't in their daily lives and so isn't commiting those love extinguishers, who does compliment and make them feel a rush. Things build from there and progressively grow through steps into an affair.

That is the basic pattern that most female cheaters go through.


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## electricHowl2 (Apr 14, 2012)

It's because she doesn't feel hot enough, bothered enough or enough into you. It's sad but it's true. She masturbates over situations that don't involve you.. turns into realities that don't involve you. Do you do the dishes from time to time? do you tell her she is pretty and hot and yummy with no real motive? Those are the kinds of things a woman needs. If you don't provide them and she stops feeling sexy and hot, you will be physically replaced. Thems the facts, Jack.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

kevin32 said:


> This question is for women only.
> 
> When I was married, my wife cheated on me with another man. She never gave me a clear explanation as to why, but over the years after talking to men and women about relationships, I came up with 3 reasons why I feel some women have extramarital affairs:
> 
> ...


C;B;A


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

electricHowl2 said:


> It's because she doesn't feel hot enough, bothered enough or enough into you. It's sad but it's true. She masturbates over situations that don't involve you.. turns into realities that don't involve you. *Do you do the dishes from time to time? *do you tell her she is pretty and hot and yummy with no real motive? Those are the kinds of things a woman needs. If you don't provide them and she stops feeling sexy and hot, you will be physically replaced. Thems the facts, Jack.


Umm, I don't agree with this assessment. I spent four hours a week cleaning the house for over twenty years (which translates into about 166 continuous days of housecleaning) and she cheated on me anyway. 

I ironed my own clothes, cooked Sunday dinners, did the yardwork and made four times the salary that she did -- but she cheated on me anyway.

I thought that she didn't like sex so I put my needs second to hers since there was more to marriage than sex -- but she cheated on me anyway. In fact, she told one of her lovers that she feared that she was becoming an insatiable nymphomaniac.

So excuse for not buying into the whole helping around the house to keep your wife happy. Read 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' and you'll see why this doesn't work.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

No affair can happen if there isn't a crossing of marital boundaries. The late Dr Shirley Glass PhD, author of the book titled *Not Just Friends*, studied thousands of cases of infidelity and found that even happily married people were not immune to falling into an affair if they gradually crossed marital boundaries.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

electricHowl2 said:


> It's because she doesn't feel hot enough, bothered enough or enough into you. It's sad but it's true. She masturbates over situations that don't involve you.. turns into realities that don't involve you.


True. It's biological. Some women can handle the urge, others start giving in. Brain on Sex chemistry sends them on a crack-like high and you're off to the races.



electricHowl2 said:


> Do you do the dishes from time to time?


Nope. I never did the dishes for any of the girls I dated and I never heard of an OM coming over to _*do*_ the dishes.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Attention, lack of


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm trying to figure this out for myself, but if I had to choose one of the 3, I would say A.

I've been trying to figure out what I did, my affair was very short. My husband was attentive and amazing. I can't really complain. I WISH I could say it was B or C, but I think i'm an A...sadly


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

LeslieH said:


> I'm trying to figure this out for myself, but if I had to choose one of the 3, I would say A.
> 
> I've been trying to figure out what I did, my affair was very short. My husband was attentive and amazing. I can't really complain. I WISH I could say it was B or C, but I think i'm an A...sadly


A woman who is honest with herself. Bravissima!


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

LeslieH said:


> I'm trying to figure this out for myself, but if I had to choose one of the 3, I would say A.
> 
> I've been trying to figure out what I did, my affair was very short. My husband was attentive and amazing. I can't really complain. I WISH I could say it was B or C, but I think i'm an A...sadly


This is every man's worst nightmare to be honest. Not matter you do for them, they'll inevitably cheat.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I think its telling that the most popular cheating site for women reports that new membership skyrockets the day after Mothers day and Valentines day. One wife said she even told her husband what she would like to have/do for Valentines day and he did nothing. She did, she signed up to cheat. Its a site for people who want to cheat but not divorce. UGH


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

3leafclover: What you have said I believe is the reason why my wife cheated. I was good (very good) at everything but she needed so much attention because of her low self esteem issues. Any little thing would make her feel not beautiful and not matter how much I would do things to make her feel good about herself it wouldnt work. We separated and she had a PA but the more I think about it she probably had affairs before that, ones I don't know of. I think her ego/self esteem is so damaged that anyone who gives her some attention would have a chance of A with her.


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## Subi (Apr 4, 2012)

lets be honest here....i dont think anyone would resist the temptation. It is the thrill the adrenalin the excitement that comes with it , the thot of getting away with it....just a bit of spice to yo life... A bit of adventure. I have never cheated myself but i pergectly know why people do it. It is like buying a new dress or tv or asset. So in my case i would say all the above. Altho a thrill seeker is more likely to cheat than a docile boring person
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Subi (Apr 4, 2012)

Lifescript said:


> 3leafclover: What you have said I believe is the reason why my wife cheated. I was good (very good) at everything but she needed so much attention because of her low self esteem issues. Any little thing would make her feel not beautiful and not matter how much I would do things to make her feel good about herself it wouldnt work. We separated and she had a PA but the more I think about it she probably had affairs before that, ones I don't know of. I think her ego/self esteem is so damaged that anyone who gives her some attention would have a chance of A with her.


yo very right lifescript. Now that you know what drove her to cheat you have got your work cut out. How about being flirty. Am a bit of a flirt but i have never cheated. Well probably coz no situation availed itself may be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

In my own past experience over a few different partners, it's consistently been caused by lust and attraction. It's not just about the sex act itself, it's about wanting to be wanted sexually and being pursued by a 'hot' or 'cool' guy. She 'registers interest' and allows him to continue the pursuit and adds fuel to the fire along the way. It becomes all consuming and the existing relationship does not measure up to the thrill and excitement of the new guy. The flirting, etc become addictive. Sex is inevitable as it becomes too hot to resist. And it's the best sex because she has wanted it so badly and she wants to impress him. She'll let him do anything.

So in my experience, it had nothing to do with attention to her, gifts, doing things for her, helping out around the house, nice dinners on valentines day etc. In my opinion, doing these things might remove an excuse for her cheating and having a 'great guy' might make her feel more guilty if she is to cheat therefore making cheating a little harder. However, the power of the lust can be great and being a 'great guy' in and out of bed is unlikely to 'block' the cheating. 

That's how it happened in my own experience a few times and in observations of others but obviously it can happen other ways. This was younger days so I think the underlying cause of what i describe may have been biological mate selection driven. As one gets older, it might be more about unmet needs in the current relationship.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

people(man or woman) have affairs because they want to. we can get into all the dynamics behind a troubled, or failing marriage/relationship. the gist of it..... having an affair is a personal choice. 

listen, i've been in bad relationships myself, but have never resorted to cheating. i could care less about feelings of lonlines, abandonment, or lack of attention. i've felt those things, but never wavered.

if the relationship is going south..... cut it the f*ck loose. 

it's a lack of basic morals concerning loyalty and fidelity, if you ask me. i'm not saying "once a cheater, always a cheater," but much like a credit score, you've been downgraded once you become a cheater. and just like a credit score, it follows you around for a looong time, if not forever.


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## Berilo (Aug 2, 2011)

I think the spouse who is fundamentally at "fault" in the woman's straying varies tremendously between couples, but I think the precipitant boils down to one main thing: ATTENTION or lack thereof.

Women need constant attention and affection, continual reinforcement. More than men. In a normal, balanced, loving marriage, where she is responsible and has her feet on the ground, a "normally" attentive husband will be able to keep her happy. And she knows how to help create the environment that will keep him attentive and interested. She knows about the dynamic, virtuous circle of loving relationships.

Obviously, if a man doesn't give his wife any attention when she tries, she will stray or break up with him.

But the difficult cases are when the man tries to give her lots of attention and affection, is a good husband, and she strays. Unfortunately, I think this caused by a combination of factors:

1. Women can be princesses, expecting that someone will adore them at an intense level forever. When this doesn't happen, they feel very disappointed, even let down. They need to find that rush somewhere else.
2. At some level, in our society, a woman's marriage is also kind of a career choice as well as a personal one. If things don't work out perfectly, she can feel a "double-whammy" of regret. (On the other hand, the traditional man separates his career choice from marriage; his marriage can be dull, but hey, his career is taking off and is very stimulating.)
3. Women's culture (between women) is pre-disposed to make the husband out to be the "bad guy", whether he is or not. Whereas for men, we tend to complain about women, but generally assume responsibility with other men for our actions. (I think most men who have an affair might say to their male friends that they were bored with the wife, but they went after the other woman because they found her attractive and they had the opportunity: it was their "fault", not the "wife's".)
4. Some women still expect men to be able to read their minds. I once had a girlfriend who said, "I wasn't happy, and you never asked me about it." I said I did ask (remember?) but you didn't want to talk about it. I tried to be kind and interested, but no go. She said I should have tried much harder to dig out of her what was bugging her. Ladies, please grow up. 

I wish more women would realize these signs before they have an affair, and try to deal with their concerns -- which might be very legitimate -- with their husbands rather than giving up on them.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Women cheat for the same reason men do so there's no difference.



Berilo said:


> 4. Women still expect men to be able to read their minds. I once had a girlfriend who said, "I wasn't happy, and you never asked me about it." I said I did ask (remember?) but you didn't want to talk about it. I tried to be kind and interested, but no go. She said I should have tried much harder to dig out of her what was bugging her. Ladies, please grow up.


If women need to grow up, men need the same too. They should stop being selfish and should start showing interest in women's emotional being and happiness.


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## Berilo (Aug 2, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> If women need to grow up, men need the same too. They should stop being selfish and should start showing interest in women's emotional being and happiness.


lovelygirl, I agree completely with you: some men need to grow up too. 

But on this particular point, men don't usually expect women to be able read their minds.


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## Berilo (Aug 2, 2011)

3leafclover said:


> I also don't think there has to necessarily _be_ a lack of attention at all for this to be the driving factor. I think there are some people who just need _so much_ attention that even with a normal amount of it from their spouses, they seek it elsewhere. Emotionally high-maintenance, low self-esteem, Daddy issues... whatever you wanna call it. Some women have affairs to try to fill an insatiable need for attention/love that their husbands can't satisfy 100% even if they are doing all the right things. Or maybe they can 100% satisfy it 90% of the time, but God forbid the attention dip coincides with a time when she's feeling extra needy. If she's tempted with an opportunity to cheat during that same time, well...it's a perfect storm.
> 
> We see ego boost listed again and again as the reason for men's affairs, but I think we underestimate how many women have affairs for the same reason.


Right on, 3leaf!


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Subi said:


> lets be honest here....i dont think anyone would resist the temptation.




Plenty of people can.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Berilo said:


> I think the spouse who is fundamentally at "fault" in the woman's straying vary tremendously between couples, but I think the precipitant boils down to one main thing: ATTENTION or lack thereof.
> 
> Women need constant attention and affection, continual reinforcement. More than men. In a normal, balanced, loving marriage, where she is responsible and has her feet on the ground, a "normally" attentive husband will be able to keep her happy. And she knows how to help create the environment that will keep him attentive and interested. She knows about the dynamic, virtuous circle of loving relationships.
> 
> ...


Very good post. 

I didn't know until recently just how much attention women actually need. It's amazing to be honest. I guess because us men don't need that much we fatally assume it's the same with women. But you're correct, women need constant reassurance and validation. It's a big reason why they fall in love with us and many men overlook this.

It's the same with the reading the mind, women are capable of doing it so they expect us to be the same.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> Women cheat for the same reason men do so there's no difference.
> 
> 
> If women need to grow up, men need the same too. They should stop being selfish and should start showing interest in women's emotional being and happiness.


I think he meant that validation is more often the reason in women infidelity than men. Men cheat but the reasons seem to be different. Don't get defensive . Look at the thread title


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

I am cheating because my husband isn't interested in me and we never have sex. I have gone years without sex and more recently months. To date we have had sex twice this year. I am 37 an it is absolutely killing me living with a man who has zero interest in me. I am not proud of what I am doing but I have two young children so leaving him isn't an option, otherwise I would have left him. I feel so lonely, worthless and robbed of a normal life.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Subi said:


> *lets be honest here....i dont think anyone would resist the temptation.* It is the thrill the adrenalin the excitement that comes with it , the thot of getting away with it....just a bit of spice to yo life... A bit of adventure. I have never cheated myself but i pergectly know why people do it. It is like buying a new dress or tv or asset. So in my case i would say all the above. Altho a thrill seeker is more likely to cheat than a docile boring person
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Huh? That is nuckenfutts. I have passed on cheating countless times. 

Like buying a tv or new dress ....... wow. Just wow.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Berilo's points is right on. Women need tremendous amount of attention. I went through this with STBXW. She always said I didn't pay attention to her but I was always asking about her day and stuff like that. Always tried extra hard to make her life easier but nothing worked.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Huh? That is nuckenfutts. I have passed on cheating countless times.
> 
> Like buying a tv or new dress ....... wow. Just wow.


lol


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Cupcake37 said:


> I am cheating because my husband isn't interested in me and we never have sex. I have gone years without sex and more recently months. To date we have had sex twice this year. I am 37 an it is absolutely killing me living with a man who has zero interest in me. I am not proud of what I am doing but I have two young children so leaving him isn't an option, otherwise I would have left him. I feel so lonely, worthless and robbed of a normal life.


Is the other man married too?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Validation was my number one reason. 

I received a lot of attention in my marriage, but just not the right kind, or the kind that made me feel wanted, loved, or appreciated. That, and added to the fact that I went through a midlife crisis. I was questioning a lot of things in my life at the time, and I was not happy with my job.

What I've learned after my marriage ended was that I am not destined to be a serial cheater, it was a bad time in my life.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Lifescript said:


> Berilo's points is right on. Women need tremendous amount of attention. I went through this with STBXW. She always said I didn't pay attention to her but I was always asking about her day and stuff like that. Always tried extra hard to make her life easier but nothing worked.


In my opinion it's not specifically about the attention, it's the type of attention. My ex was home every night for dinner, participated in housework and with putting kids to bed, stories etc. I just never felt like I was good enough in his eyes, he cut me down all the time. I wouldn't want someone to give me a lot of attention, as I do like my space. But, I needed as many people do to feel important in the relationship, that I was a good wife (or trying to be). It's not even about being insecure, everyone needs to hear this.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

I thought most women cheat for the following reasons

1) They do not truly love the person they are married to and they are incapable of being in a consummate love and incapable of truly loving someone as that requires commitment which they do not have.

2) they just feel like doing it for fun and have always been narcissistic and have hedonistic point of view of the world.

3) they are abused either emotionally, physically or a combo and or they are also being cheated on and cheat to escape the failed marriage.

4) they are in a love less marriage no passion, and they feel unloved. Husband treats sex just as his way to get off and she feels trapped and this goes on for X amount of time before she is hopeless finds a new man and gives into temptation.


^^ i think its 1 of those or several. I think most women cheat when they marry someone to fast and to early and find they do not love the man and than find it to be a loveless marriage. 



However there is no excuse to cheating period it shows to be complete lack of morality and typically the person is corrupted (i feel) and they have already sealed their fate on how they wish to live their life. The only time i think cheating is "okay" is if someone is truly trapped in a marriage in which they are treated like crap and they cannot divorce thus they run away. However in this country you can divorce however in many countries women have little to no rights and many run away from unhappy marriages and many do so run away with another man who treats her better.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> In my opinion it's not specifically about the attention, it's the type of attention.


very insightful, _working_. 

one always believes that "attention" itself is the key, but the _kind_ of attention often falls by the wayside. 

i guess it came too late for you, but now you know what you need, if you find yourself in another relationship.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> I think he meant that validation is more often the reason in women infidelity than men. Men cheat but the reasons seem to be different. Don't get defensive . Look at the thread title


I think men and women cheat for different reasons

I think men are biologically programmed to seek as much sex as possible and in many way's thus almost biologically programmed to cheat. But its not so much to "cheat" more so the fact that for millions of reasons men are not built or programmed for monogamy and thus i feel a huge huge percentage of men will cheat at some point in their life. And its typically because they truly do want to sleep with other women and they give into it ignoring better judgement. Most men cheat (imo) because 

A) They can
B) Its available 
C) Its just "natural" for them. They want to and can they think little of it as its just fun. And man's time
D) They are not getting sex as much as they want and likely are not truly in love with the women and their marriage not a true love
E) They are no longer attracted to their wife

To me it seems

Women cheat for 

A) unloved, cheated on by H, abused emotionally or physically combo of other things
B) Not appreciated feel unloved no abuse or cheating on them. But no love or passion (want to escape)
C) They are do it just for "fun" they think little of it
D) There husband pays no attention to them and they rarely have sex. She cant take it and cheats to (escape)


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

in addition, i believe "the fog" is a bunch of BS.

just own your sh1t.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

cledus_snow said:


> in addition, i believe "the fog" is a bunch of BS.
> 
> just own your sh1t.


It's one thing to *explain* the effect the Moon has on the Earth, it is quite another to use it to *justify* people's behavior. In other words, *explaining is NOT equal to justifying*.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Umm, I don't agree with this assessment. I spent four hours a week cleaning the house for over twenty years (which translates into about 166 continuous days of housecleaning) and she cheated on me anyway.
> 
> I ironed my own clothes, cooked Sunday dinners, did the yardwork and made four times the salary that she did -- but she cheated on me anyway.
> 
> ...


A person who cheats is almost always narcissistic and it does not mater about the sex of the person. Men and women both cheat because they FEEL LIKE IT. I have no idea where to even begin on the problems these people have and the problems they tend to exhibit in their life. 

Long story short there is NOTHING YOU COULD OF DONE to STOP HER FROM CHEATING.

That is who she is that is the type of person she is. Cheaters will cheat and once a cheater i truly believe always a cheater and statistically it tends to be true.



There are so many good women man millions of them who just wish they could have a good man. If you are a good man dont stop being a good man. Helping out around the house is nothing to be ashamed of. You treating her good is not a reason they cheat on you. People who cheat cheat because they are typically SICK IN THE HEAD. Nothing you did caused her to cheat she was going to do it anyways it is the type of person she is.

You simply chose a bad woman a bad seed a bad person who hurt you. Do not think all women are like that as they are not and do not feel that you need to become a "bad guy" in order to get women. Be yourself and find a good woman they do exist.


Best of Luck


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## KaTieM (Dec 13, 2011)

electricHowl2 said:


> It's because she doesn't feel hot enough, bothered enough or enough into you. It's sad but it's true. She masturbates over situations that don't involve you.. turns into realities that don't involve you. Do you do the dishes from time to time? do you tell her she is pretty and hot and yummy with no real motive? Those are the kinds of things a woman needs. If you don't provide them and she stops feeling sexy and hot, you will be physically replaced. Thems the facts, Jack.


You hit the nail on the head in most of that comment in my situation. Except, he(husband) does dishes, he does laundry, he cooks dinner, he is an awesome father to our children. But, NEVER has he told me I was hot, sexy, or yummy or has he been the leader in the bedroom, and then expressed he was not comfortable with me initiating sex when I finally got tired of waiting for him. I would hint for him to maybe shower before bed(duh, I was horny)... I was nekkid, showered, clean shaved; basically hot, ready and waiting in bed, but he wouldn't shower before bed. So, we both laid there in the dark for a bit, then he would fall asleep and I would get out of bed pissed off, year after year. 

I got tired of not feeling wanted/desired in a sexual way, too much "Mr. Nice Guy" in the intimate catagory and he also lacked in hygiene. Trust me, through 19 years and 3 kids, I have kept myself height/weight proportionate, excercise regularly and have been told I am hot and he is crazy, but also been told I have a stronger personality than he can handle and the marriage counselor even mentioned he had not given me what I needed all these years. I realize all women have different love languages and it's not the same for all of us. 
But, I need a badboy in bed who cares about his appearance and hygiene and makes me feel wanted/needed/desired.


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

Complexity said:


> Is the other man married too?


Yes, he is also married and in a similar position to myself.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

What are you going to do if you fall in love with this man, cupcake? Seldom do feelings of love not develop between affair partners, especially with the married woman.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Subi said:


> yo very right lifescript. Now that you know what drove her to cheat you have got your work cut out. How about being flirty. Am a bit of a flirt but i have never cheated. Well probably coz no situation availed itself may be.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So he drove her to cheat? He caused someone else to spread their legs for another man. You are having us on of course.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Cupcake37 said:


> Yes, he is also married and in a similar position to myself.


And unfortunately so is his family - meaning both families are effectively on the road to divorce and break up. 

His wife and your husband are in open marriages - they just don't know it.

His kids and your kids are living in broken homes where they are going to end up learning that the relationship they thought their parents had was a complete set of lies and that one of the parents sold out the family so they could get some.

His wife and your husband are giving their spouses their trust and honesty and getting neither back.

Cupcake - like a person who has cancer inside them, denying that the cancer exists and you have no need for a cure is pure fantasy.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I have a question to the women involved in an affair because of their low sex drive husbands. Is your need for a fvck buddy so great that you would search for one even if you weren't married?


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

morituri said:


> What are you going to do if you fall in love with this man, cupcake? Seldom do feelings of love not develop between affair partners, especially with the married woman.


I do have feelings for him, I wouldn't be able to sleep with him if I didn't. We were friends for 6 months before anything physical happened between us. I have known him for 2 years and can quite easily keep him and my husband separate, I have no intention of spliting up the family. I am not proud of what I am doing but don't feel as if I have been left with any choice. My husband isn't interested in me or sex. As previously mentioned we have gone years without sex, to me this isn't normal, my husband doesn't seem bothered. The fact that I am and he knows how unhappy I am and not prepared to compromise at all really upsets me.If it was the otherway around I would be trying to do something to improve the situation. If I didn't have small children I would have left him by now. He is a good person and brilliant dad. We get on as friends and don't argue so homelife is fine, there isn't a bad environment for the children to grow up in.

I am 37 years old not 97 and don't see why I should be deprived of sex, if he isn't interested fine but doesn't mean I have to put up with it for any longer. I already feel as if I have missed out on years of sex. Sorry I have gone off on one but I don't think some people can understand how it feels to live with somebody who shows you no love or affection.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

kevin32 said:


> This question is for women only.
> 
> When I was married, my wife cheated on me with another man. She never gave me a clear explanation as to why, but over the years after talking to men and women about relationships, I came up with 3 reasons why I feel some women have extramarital affairs:
> 
> ...


As a woman and reformed cheater (a lifetime ago), I can tell you that you would need to go into double letters if you were trying to use the alphabet to quantify the reasons that some women cheat.

In my case, I had been living with someone for a few years, and the relationship just kind of died. Someone else was giving me attention, and instead of doing the mature thing, and ending my LTR, I cheated.

And I suspect that you'll find that some women cheat for the exact same reasons that some men cheat. They're humans and humans screw up.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Cupcake37 said:


> Yes, he is also married and in a similar position to myself.


I see. I don't know what to say really, I can't say I blame you but I can't condone it either. It does seem pretty cruel for one to be denied intimacy for years on end, coupled with a complete emotional disconnect.

Out of curiosity though, suppose you get a divorce, what do you think will happen to your children? I suspect they already know things aren't going well between mum and dad, they could sense this is an empty shell marriage. Your husband is very involved and presumably will continue to be so if you guys divorce, so what's the risk? They're not going to be irreparably damaged if you guys live under separate roofs. Suppose your husband finds out about the affair and things really disintegrate at home, could you risk losing custody of them if he filed for divorce?

I'm not saying any of this to judge or rag on you. It's just the benefits outweigh the negatives by a stretch if you decide to leave and live in a relationship where you don't feel "lonely, worthless and robbed of a normal life"


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Cupcake37 said:


> I am cheating because my husband isn't interested in me and we never have sex. I have gone years without sex and more recently months. To date we have had sex twice this year. I am 37 an it is absolutely killing me living with a man who has zero interest in me. I am not proud of what I am doing but *I have two young children so leaving him isn't an option*, otherwise I would have left him. I feel so lonely, worthless and robbed of a normal life.


Just curious as to why leaving isn't an option, and what will you do if he finds out you're cheating and turfs YOU?  Don't you worry about that possible outcome, or are you really that confident in yourself to think you'll, a) never get caught; or b) that your husband will put up with your behaviour???


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> And unfortunately so is his family - meaning both families are effectively on the road to divorce and break up.
> 
> His wife and your husband are in open marriages - they just don't know it.
> 
> ...


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> A woman who is honest with herself. Bravissima!


Oh, please...let's just pin a medal on her shall we?


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

Complexity said:


> I see. I don't know what to say really, I can't say I blame you but I can't condone it either. It does seem pretty cruel for one to be denied intimacy for years on end, coupled with a complete emotional disconnect.
> 
> Out of curiosity though, suppose you get a divorce, what do you think will happen to your children? I suspect they already know things aren't going well between mum and dad, they could sense this is an empty shell marriage. Your husband is very involved and presumably will continue to be so if you guys divorce, so what's the risk? They're not going to be irreparably damaged if you guys live under separate roofs. Suppose your husband finds out about the affair and things really disintegrate at home, could you risk losing custody of them if he filed for divorce?
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply. I have no intention of leaving my husband, my children are young and our lifestyle and home life are good. The children are very happy and have no idea there is anything wrong. To be honest nobody does, people look at us and think we have the perfect marriage, we never argue! A good friend mentioned to me the otherday how happy we seem!I am very good at hiding the way things are, I have done it for years.
If he found out, I don't know, I would imagine we would share the children, at the end of the day if he were having sex I wouldn't have felt the need to look for it elsewhere.


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Just curious as to why leaving isn't an option, and what will you do if he finds out you're cheating and turfs YOU?  Don't you worry about that possible outcome, or are you really that confident in yourself to think you'll, a) never get caught; or b) that your husband will put up with your behaviour???



We have a very nice lifestyle and if we split up then that would go to a certain extent. I really don't want my children to grow up with divorced parents, sorry I don't mean to offend anyone. If we were arguing and the homelife was bad then yes I can see how wouldn't be a good environement but our home life is good. Yes, I do worry about what would happen if he found out and I suppose I would have to deal with that at the time, there is no point in worrying about something which may not happen. I think he would have to accept some of the blame, as already mentioned if I was having a full relationship with him there is no way I would ever cheat on him.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Cupcake37 said:


> We have a very nice lifestyle and if we split up then that would go to a certain extent. I really don't want my children to grow up with divorced parents, sorry I don't mean to offend anyone. If we were arguing and the homelife was bad then yes I can see how wouldn't be a good environement but our home life is good. Yes, I do worry about what would happen if he found out and I suppose I would have to deal with that at the time, there is no point in worrying about something which may not happen. *I think he would have to accept some of the blame*, as already mentioned if I was having a full relationship with him there is no way I would ever cheat on him.


Ah...I see. Maybe you're just not thinking clearly at the moment due to affair fog...I certainly hope that's the case, otherwise, your comments can come off as quite arrogant.


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Ah...I see. Maybe you're just not thinking clearly at the moment due to affair fog...I certainly hope that's the case, otherwise, your comments can come off as quite arrogant.



Yes, I am thinking perfectly clear thank you, I don't suffer from affair fog??? Do you honestly think he isn't partly to blame in this? I wouldn't be seeing somebody else if my husband was happy to have sex with me.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Cupcake37 said:


> Yes, I am thinking perfectly clear thank you, I don't suffer from affair fog??? *Do you honestly think he isn't partly to blame in this?* I wouldn't be seeing somebody else if my husband was happy to have sex with me.


Wow, you've really got the world by the tail dontcha? When he catches you, and I say when because it will eventually come out, I hope you still possess this cavalier egotistical attitude of yours. But something tells me that you'll be snivelling and grovelling to him as he outs you from your nice lifestyle that you're so accustomed to.

Unbelievable...Does anyone else care to chime in here? I can't talk to this person anymore.


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Wow, you've really got the world by the tail dontcha? When he catches you, and I say when because it will eventually come out, I hope you still possess this cavalier egotistical attitude of yours. But something tells me that you'll be snivelling and grovelling to him as he outs you from your nice lifestyle that you're so accustomed to.
> 
> Unbelievable...Does anyone else care to chime in here? I can't talk to this person anymore.


Sorry you feel like this but clearly don't have a clue what it is like to live in a sexless marriage for years and years on end when you are young and that's all you want is to feel loved and wanted by your husband.
I have accepted that I am not going to change him and I am trying to make the best of a bad situation. I can assure you that if he ever does find out I will not be grovelling.
Take care


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

cledus_snow said:


> in addition, i believe "the fog" is a bunch of BS.
> 
> just own your sh1t.


i agree, if that was the case, they were in the fog when they were first with you. all this fog talk is just an excuse and total bs. own your sh1t is perfect.


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

Cupcake37 said:


> We have a very nice lifestyle and if we split up then that would go to a certain extent. I really don't want my children to grow up with divorced parents, sorry I don't mean to offend anyone. If we were arguing and the homelife was bad then yes I can see how wouldn't be a good environement but our home life is good. Yes, I do worry about what would happen if he found out and I suppose I would have to deal with that at the time, there is no point in worrying about something which may not happen. I think he would have to accept some of the blame, as already mentioned if I was having a full relationship with him there is no way I would ever cheat on him.


at least you already have your excuses ready. You can justify this however you want but you know it is wrong. I don't believe your vows stated how much sex was necessary before you would cheat. prob standard forsaken all others, better or worse type stuff. As long as your lifestyle isn't effected who cares right. If a man wrote this gibberish he would be taken to town about what he needs to do to get his wifes attraction back. Do you realize that you are not as strong as your urges to sleep around. We have a word for girls like you. You won't be young forever, do you plan to grow old and die with the same man you are now cheating on. Some girls that have been cheated on and raped have said that the cheating was much worse than the rape. That is just to let you know what you are doing to this great father and husband. I do not see a happy ending for you in this one.


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

skip76 said:


> at least you already have your excuses ready. You can justify this however you want but you know it is wrong. I don't believe your vows stated how much sex was necessary before you would cheat. prob standard forsaken all others, better or worse type stuff. As long as your lifestyle isn't effected who cares right. If a man wrote this gibberish he would be taken to town about what he needs to do to get his wifes attraction back. Do you realize that you are not as strong as your urges to sleep around. We have a word for girls like you. You won't be young forever, do you plan to grow old and die with the same man you are now cheating on. Some girls that have been cheated on and raped have said that the cheating was much worse than the rape. That is just to let you know what you are doing to this great father and husband. I do not see a happy ending for you in this one.


Of course I know it's wrong. When I got married I didn't realise it would mean I would have to go years and years without sex, is that acceptable? At the end of the day I am only human and I have needs, If this was a man I am sure he would have had an affair a long time ago and the response would be, "Well, what do you expect his wife isn't having sex with him", but the otherway around and I am an evil witch. Do you not think I have tried to work things out with my husband? There is only so many times you can be rejected in bed and hear every excuse under the sun before you can't go there any longer.He has made me feel like some kind of a freak. I have accepted that he isn't interested in sex but that does that mean that I have to live like this for the next 30 years? For your information I am not sleeping around, there is only one other person. What about what this great husband and father is doing to me? 

Thanks for your comments though very informative


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Cupcake37 said:


> Sorry you feel like this but clearly don't have a clue what it is like to live in a sexless marriage for years and years on end when you are young and that's all you want is to feel loved and wanted by your husband.
> I have accepted that I am not going to change him and I am trying to make the best of a bad situation. I can assure you that if he ever does find out I will not be grovelling.
> Take care


Basically you're saying the situation makes it ethically acceptable to relax your morals,but you've never really mentioned what firm measures you took to turn the situation around.Also you say your husband has to accept some blame for you having an affair,so I'm assuming then,that by extension you also put some blame on him for whatever damage may be caused to the OMW and family.

Not wanting to judge you and wishing you peace in your life.The fact that you and your husband will live in an unfulfilled marriage is a terrible price to pay.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

> "Umm, I don't agree with this assessment. I spent four hours a week cleaning the house for over twenty years (which translates into about 166 continuous days of housecleaning) and she cheated on me anyway.
> 
> I ironed my own clothes, cooked Sunday dinners, did the yardwork and made four times the salary that she did -- but she cheated on me anyway.
> 
> ...


This sounds like me.

I'm a betrayed spouse. My wife cheated on me for 1 ½ years. I was always attentive to her and our children. I was always there for her…emotionally and physically. I always helped around the house…laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping. I also earned the family income. I always kept myself in great physical condition. I always craved physical intimacy with her. She was the one that would turn me down. Because of this we didn't have sex nearly as much as I would have liked. I never passed up an opportunity. I also always put her pleasure before mine…always! I thought I was the perfect husband…or at least I tried to be. She never told me otherwise.

Then I found out she was cheating. Her OM never did any of this stuff so obviously it wasn't that important to her. 

I think she was choice A. I think she was bored and he was a new and exciting source of attention. I wasn't a challenge for her anymore…I was easy and she knew I would do anything for her…and have. She was a classic cake eater. I fulfilled all of her needs except the new and exciting attention part. She was completely selfish. She had become a princess and had developed a sense of entitlement. She also expected me to be a mind reader as well. She was a conflict avoider and became closed off emotionally…especially after her affair started. She had no goals in life after our children were born. She has no hobbies or passions. After he parents died she lost her mind.

I really think there was nothing I could have done to prevent her cheating…it was inevitable. She was broken…not me. 

Surprisingly enough I can relate to Cupcake37's position. I can't imagine a sexless marriage. Mine was much dryer then I wanted but I tried to be patient. I don't understand why any man would not want sex…often. I love sex and it was something that I looked forward to more then anything. However, I never cheated to get it. I don't think it is part of who I am. That being said, I cannot honestly say that if opportunity had presented itself with the right woman and the right circumstances that I would have not cheated. 

I would like to think that I was too busy with us, valuing our life together to even consider it.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Cupcake37 said:


> Of course I know it's wrong. When I got married I didn't realise it would mean I would have to go years and years without sex, is that acceptable? At the end of the day I am only human and I have needs, If this was a man I am sure he would have had an affair a long time ago and the response would be, "Well, what do you expect his wife isn't having sex with him", but the otherway around and I am an evil witch. Do you not think I have tried to work things out with my husband? There is only so many times you can be rejected in bed and hear every excuse under the sun before you can't go there any longer.He has made me feel like some kind of a freak. I have accepted that he isn't interested in sex but that does that mean that I have to live like this for the next 30 years? For your information I am not sleeping around, there is only one other person. What about what this great husband and father is doing to me?
> 
> Thanks for your comments though very informative


Have you tried to be very explicit? Have you told him, that there are these three solutions: 1. Get your sexlife on track 2. Otherwise you will go for extramarital sex or 3. You will divorce him.
What was his answer to that? If you haven't asked him, you are denying him his right to have a free choice on his own. You are making a choice on his behalf, the choise to live in a one sided open mariage.

I don't find your reasons for cheating valid.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> I do have feelings for him, I wouldn't be able to sleep with him if I didn't. We were friends for 6 months before anything physical happened between us. *I have known him for 2 years and can quite easily keep him and my husband separate, I have no intention of spliting up the family*.


you are a "cake-eater" extraordinaire.

all i'm getting from your posts is constant justification for your atrocious behavior. in addition, you paint a "noble" picture of yourself by wanting to "keep your children in a happy environment." what a crock. there is no nobility in deception, my dear.

you do know you're cheating on them also, by cheating on their father, right?


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

cpacan said:


> Have you tried to be very explicit? Have you told him, that there are these three solutions: 1. Get your sexlife on track 2. Otherwise you will go for extramarital sex or 3. You will divorce him.
> What was his answer to that? If you haven't asked him, you are denying him his right to have a free choice on his own. You are making a choice on his behalf, the choise to live in a one sided open mariage.
> 
> I don't find your reasons for cheating valid.


Thanks for your reply. Yes, I have told him I want things to change and the consequences if things don't change. He knows I don't want to divorce him because of the children.He basically told me that I wanted the fairytale and what we have is reality! I don't think that going years without sex when married is reality for most people. He then told me that he was too busy with the children and when they were older he would have time for me then. Needles to say I was speechless.....Not sure how long he expects me to wait?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Cupcake - it will come out. It always does. You'll screw up and it'll slip in your sleep. The OM's wife will find out and tell your husband. You're attitude toward your husband will get dismissive and nasty because you've lost all respect for him - because he a clueless idiot that doen't know you're cheating.

It will come out - you just don't know how yet.

And when it does - you're husband's soul will have a deep scar that you put there.

And you're children will look at your forever in a different way. As the woman who had an affair on their father.

So right now you arrogantly think you've got the world covered. Oh, you say "it's wrong", but apparently not that wrong. 

Have you given any real and honest effort at thinking how you would feel it is was you that was being cheated on? If every night your husband slept beside you, but dreamed of getting it from someone else? That when he popped out to the store, he was meeting up with his lover for some good laughs at you behind your back , and a little sex?

That you were the main topic of riddle between him and his lover? That they talked to each other about if only there wasn't kids to tie them down to this awful partner that they could be free to be together?

Lots of people miss something from their partner. The difference is that most people choose to honor their vows about all other options.


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

cledus_snow said:


> you are a "cake-eater" extraordinaire.



Thanks


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Why didn't you tell your husband that if he didn't want sex with you, then to give you the chance to discreetly find a lover to have sex with? That way he would have had a chance to either step up to the plate, step aside to allow you to have your lover, or divorce you. If you had been brutally honest with him that you would no longer tolerate being in a sexless marriage and would find a lover on the side, then I doubt that many here would have had an issue with your decision to step out and look for sex on the side.


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Cupcake - it will come out. It always does. You'll screw up and it'll slip in your sleep. The OM's wife will find out and tell your husband. You're attitude toward your husband will get dismissive and nasty because you've lost all respect for him - because he a clueless idiot that doen't know you're cheating.
> 
> It will come out - you just don't know how yet.
> 
> ...


Maybe it will come out but I don't think so. I don't talk in my sleep by the way. I don't want to hurt my husband but perhaps he should stop and think about what he has done to me after years of rejection, how much hurt he has caused me. I don't think I have the world arrogantly covered as you put it. Yes, I have thought if it was the other way around how I would feel but that's really difficult as I have reached a stage where I don't think I would care. He has hurt me so much I have built a wall around myself and feel quite empty towards him at the moment.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Cupcake37 said:


> Of course I know it's wrong. When I got married I didn't realise it would mean I would have to go years and years without sex, is that acceptable? At the end of the day I am only human and I have needs, If this was a man I am sure he would have had an affair a long time ago and the response would be, "Well, what do you expect his wife isn't having sex with him", but the otherway around and I am an evil witch. Do you not think I have tried to work things out with my husband? There is only so many times you can be rejected in bed and hear every excuse under the sun before you can't go there any longer.He has made me feel like some kind of a freak. I have accepted that he isn't interested in sex but that does that mean that I have to live like this for the next 30 years? For your information I am not sleeping around, there is only one other person. What about what this great husband and father is doing to me?
> 
> Thanks for your comments though very informative


what if he starts showing sexuall interest again?
would you be receptive?

but the reality is your selfishly taking his income but don't want to accept him as he is or leave. very selfish. so when he finds out and divorces you you will still want half of everything.


I got to be honest I have thought about it many,many times but I guess I'm just a big pu$$y when it comes down to actually doing it. the loss of everyones respect including my kids is worse.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> I don't want to hurt my husband


do you even hear, yourself?....._you already have!_ :scratchhead:


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> what if he starts showing sexuall interest again?
> would you be receptive?
> 
> but the reality is your selfishly taking his income but don't want to accept him as he is or leave. very selfish. so when he finds out and divorces you you will still want half of everything.
> ...



Yes of course I would be interested in sex with my husband that's all I want! I don't selfishly take his income, I work and have a well paid job and earn slightly more than my husband. If we were to divorce I would want what was mine and nothing more.

I thought about it for ages and couldn't do anything, I just put up with the situation and he just broke me in the end.


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

cledus_snow said:


> do you even hear, yourself?....._you already have!_ :scratchhead:


Nothing compared to the hurt he has caused me.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> Thanks


i'm not surprised by this response, given you cavalier attitude toward the whole situation.




> Nothing compared to the hurt he has caused me.


more and more justification. 


you are tap dancin' in some pretty thick BS, right now.


to think you go home and kiss your children with the same lips you kiss OM is downright disgusting.


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