# Do I have a right to be angry over such a lie?



## qdobajoe (Jun 14, 2009)

We are a newlywed couple. We have been married for about 2 months now. Here is the situation: we live in a condo and when we got married I told my wife I wanted to cancel the cleaning crew we get in our place every other week. She agreed. Anyway, the other day I come to find out that she in fact did not fire the cleaning crew and the reason I found out they came and cleaned was because the whole house was vacuumed so I called my wife out on it and she confessed. Here is what really irks me, a few days prior to this she was complaining that she is always paying for everything. We have joint accounts but what we do is this....one week she pays to go out to eat, etc. and one week I pay. My wife has been complaining that she has been the one paying for a number of weeks straight. Anyway, I questioned her....if you can not afford to pay for us to go out to eat, etc. than how can you afford to have a cleaning crew come and clean our house every other week. She confessed that her mother is paying for the cleaning crew. Do you see this as a major issue? Should I really be upset? How should I handle such a thing? I told her that because she went behind my back and kept the cleaning crew, I am going to buy a 42" flat screen. Any advice?


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Well, if her MOM is paying for it, so what?? Send her a thank you card! 

Your wife didn't TELL you because you are_ obviously_ not the approachable type...

You two are doing this tit for tat crap and it is going to have to stop! All the money should go into one pot as "our money"....

you are married, not roomies!

And going out and buying a 42" tv, as retaliation will really solve a lot.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

qdobajoe said:


> I told her that because she went behind my back and kept the cleaning crew, I am going to buy a 42" flat screen. Any advice?


that is not fair.


but on topic, if her mother paid for it, whats the problem? Send her mother a thank you card for her generosity.
She still should not have lied, that is kinda strange, maybe she just lies a lot?
It's a kinda stupid thing to lie about too....

right to be angry? not really but you or anyone would be confused.
I'd ask her to not do anything like that again. 

But to be angry? no, dont think you should be as angry as your concerned why she lied


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> Your wife didn't TELL you because you are_ obviously_ not the approachable type...


:iagree:

My H hid a lot of things from me in the beginning of our relationship. I dont think its right to lie, but at the same time, im trying to be accountable for the atmosphere i create in the relationship. 

your wife probably hid it from you because she doesnt feel like she can get what she wants out of the relationship. she was probably just trying to please you without starting an argument. 

i think you should approach it by telling her that her lying hurt you and hurt the relationship, but at the same time you need to ask her if there is anything you can do to be more approachable. but make sure you let her know the lying is not acceptable.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

her mother is paying for this cleaning crew EVERY OTHER WEEK?
seriously?

waohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
be nice to MIL !!! Have her over after the cleanings and make her dinner, rub her feet... she sounds like an angel !
Thank MIL and be sure there are no strings... if there are no strings with the cleaning crew...
JOY ! be happy ! how awesome !!


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

My husband and I have separate accounts. We split everything, even after I have been unemployed and working parttime for the past 7 years. If I were to based my marriage on money, I would not have married my husband. Maybe your dislikes cleaning and still wants you to come home to a clean house, what's the crime in that? Be careful about being in debt to MIL. Mine is expecting one of her kids to take her in instead of staying a nursing home. She thinks throwing thousands of dollars at the grandchildren will buy her that promise.


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## jivey (Jun 18, 2009)

Dude, buy the TV
My wife lies to me all the time about money and everything pretty
much. We have fought over it. for a few yrs. I final got tired of it and put my foot down.
I ask myself almost everyday how i can stay married and be in love with someone. Who lies and lied to me as much as her.
but, she claims she has stopped. I cant really tell yet.
I guess for her its like smoking you cant quit


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Holy sh*t ya'll need to be taking the MIL out for dinner. Don't be mad she lied to you about the cleaning crew be glad the house is clean and hug your MIL next time you see her. Chuck it up to a misunderstanding and move on. You don't get the TV because you're wife hasn't been spending money your MIL has.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

When my dh and I were first married, I was so intimidated by him I would hide anything I bought. I would lie about getting someone in to help me with some work around the house.

WHY? Because he would blow up at anything simple, he didn't like not knowing every detail happening. 

He'd get mad if someone ate all the ice cream while he was gone two weeks; he'd expect the ice cream to still BE there when he got back from out of town....:scratchhead:

Had he NOT gotten ticked off about every change he didn't have input into, I'd not have felt the need to protect my bruised feeling all the time by lying about little things I'd done - like get our son a haircut....


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I wish someone would buy me housekeeping services every 2 weeks 

That must be what heaven is like


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

I agree thank the the mother in law..

but..

You need to talk to her. Hiding things from eachother now will only get worse in the future. Make sure you are approachable and understanding of what she needs to buy.

If you cant afford such luxuries then there has to be a compromise or you will likely be divorced and financially destitute before you know it.

Split up the chores if she is overtaxed. Work with her on it. Lying isnt acceptable. It will get worse.

Sit down with her and hash it out where you can both be in agreement. All money should be shared between both of you in one pot. There is really no delination between the two of you now financially.

and please dont go out and buy a tv, thats just petty (in fact dont even threaten it. )

Good luck.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

it's nice your wife and her mom have a close relationship.

but your home is your home.

your wife has no right to conspire with her mom to bring in houshold help no matter who pays for it.

if i may offer an observation: you and your wife use money and toys as proxy when you fight.

i hope i've been helpful.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

The fact you would get so angry about something is probably why she didn't tell you. 

Yes, it's wrong for her to hide things.... but IMO...

YOU NEED TO TAKE A GOOD LONG HARD LOOK IN THE MIRROR and ask why she would hide something so unimportant from you? Read through some of the posts in this forum, especially in the sections about infidelity and financial problems. THOSE are real lies. This is nothing compared the stuff you'll find in there. Yes, it's still wrong, but the fact it's something relatively insignificant compared to what she could've been lying about should raise some red flags in your direction.


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## mommyto3boys (Jul 13, 2009)

I do understand your concern! My ex from a previous relationship got my MIL to CLEAN my house while I was at WORK! I was HORRIFIED and felt personally violated actually.

I felt insulted that he felt I wasn't doing a going enough job of cleaning the house (I worked full time as did he)...and that he would have the nerve to get a cleaning lady behind my back (and it was my MIL).

ick..


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## jusme (Jan 4, 2010)

Sandy55 said:


> Well, if her MOM is paying for it, so what?? Send her a thank you card!
> 
> Your wife didn't TELL you because you are_ obviously_ not the approachable type...
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

Although lying in marriage is bad, it's obvious by your post that you are a difficult person to approach and that your wife did what she did it in order to avoid arguing with you. You need to talk to her about this. She needs to feel like she can be honest with you. You need to work on how you react so that you are someone she can communicate with. 

"when we got married I told my wife I wanted to cancel the cleaning crew we get in our place every other week. She agreed." 
The thing is that you wanted to cancel the cleaners and she did not. See, you TOLD her what you wanted and she didn't feel comfortable saying that it's not what she wanted. It took you two months to catch on, so my guess is you don't help much. 

"Anyway, I questioned her....if you can not afford to pay for us to go out to eat, etc. than how can you afford to have a cleaning crew come and clean our house every other week. She confessed that her mother is paying for the cleaning crew." 
IMO, even if she was paying for the cleaning crew, it's a better use of money than going out to eat all the time. Maybe you need to contribute money to a joint account for eating out so it's more fair since you are soooo concerned about who's paying for things in your marriage.

"I told her that because she went behind my back and kept the cleaning crew, I am going to buy a 42" flat screen."
SO immature. Why do you think you deserve something because your wife lied about having the house cleaned? Grow up and focus on why she lied and be grateful that you have a clean house.


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## Fiatbrava (Apr 5, 2010)

Its not a big deal but you are making it out to be one, i would class it more of an ommission than a lie. Send your mother in law a thankyou card and be happy that youre wife doesnt have to do all the chores.

On that note, who did you think was cleaning the house, your wife?


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

recent_cloud said:


> it's nice your wife and her mom have a close relationship.
> 
> but your home is your home.
> 
> ...



It's her home too. Is the OP going to clean it instead?

Otherwise, I think he'll have to get over it. That said, it's not cool to lie.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

They agreed to cancel the cleaning service and she didn't adhear to there agreement. then she hid it from him.

what else is she lying about.

Damed right I be mad.

but buying a 42 inch TV won't solve anything.

sounds like a passive agressive move to me. she agrees and then ignores the agreement.

Time to put your foot down. or this could be a problem all through your marriage. she don't respect you enough to keep her word and then lie about it.


if she would have followed throught with the agreement then he wouldn't be difficult to aproach. you people are putting the cart before the horse and making a huge asumption by one post that he is difficult to aproach. She is the one in the wrong period and she should apoligise. and then he should accept it and comunicate if they should keep the cleaning service.

If she would have said to him hey my mom said she would pay for the cleaning service so we could spend more time together. He could of then gave his opinion weather he thought it was a good idea or not. he might of said I really don't like the idea of beholding to your mother for paying for our cleaning service and I think we should take care of our bills ourselves.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> It's her home too. Is the OP going to clean it instead?
> 
> Otherwise, I think he'll have to get over it. That said, it's not cool to lie.


so she trumped him with lies to get what she wants.instead of comunicating about it. thats not cool thats selfish.


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## FaithHopeLove (Apr 21, 2011)

If I were a husband and I found out my wife was letting her mom pay for a cleaning crew, I'd be pissed. Parents should NOT be paying for something that the married couple should be covering. Hopefully Mommy dearest won't expect anything in return.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

When I get married, my H better be happy with a picnic.
And he can help me clean the house, too.
I don't have a mother I can count on to look out for me.
If you want to buy a 42" tv, why do you need a reason?
You guys need to spend some money all right, and not on cleaning crews, dining out or electronics, you need to spend it on marriage counseling.


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## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

Jeeezez friggin christ! Why such hostile reactions? Her mothr was doing it to be nice. What the hell is wrong with that??
Just picking a fight were none should be in the first place. Its her house too. Way over the top on the overreacting, including his.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I see two issues - one, your wife lied and that is wrong, especially if she told you she had fired the cleaners. Second, your reaction (buying a flatscreen) seems childish and punitive. That is not the type of attitude for a successful marriage. Two wrongs don't make a right.

You both should sit down and discuss this CALMLY. Ask her why she was afraid to be honest with you. If you are doing things that make it hard for her to be honest, work on being more approachable. Then agree to a spending plan that works for BOTH of you (not just you). You both need to be flexible in order to make a marriage work. Your way isn't always the right way, and neither is hers.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

this thread is one of those zombie threads from 2009.

MIL has either spent a fortune or these two have split up already.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

michzz said:


> this thread is one of those zombie threads from 2009.
> 
> MIL has either spent a fortune or these two have split up already.


:iagree:

Wonder if the dude ever got his tv. Bet by now he has bigger issues with his wife.


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