# not sue what to do now!



## hurthusband (Mar 24, 2011)

my wife had a one night stand with an old boy friend a little over a year ago we worked through it and I thought we were doing well until today I found that she has been sexting him with vids and pics... I have no idea what to do?? Please help I love my wife soooo much, but don't want to be hurt anymore and don't know whats the truth and whats not!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You confront her. 
You tell her you know she is still actively having an affair. Don't reveal your source.
And then you tell her it stops or you're done. Or you tell her it's done. 
You say you don't know the truth but it appears that the truth is she is still involved with OM. 
If he's married, tell his wife (or girlfriend).


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## hurthusband (Mar 24, 2011)

i did and basically told her all of that, but have 3 small kids and just feel very torn as and hurt, don't want to hurt the kids.
she say it was only this one time and that there seems to be something missing from us. this stinks!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It wasn't "one time only" She cheated with him int he past and it's happening again.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ask her no questions and she tell you no lies.

So with that said start doing your own investigation. There is alot out there like keylogger, spyware, Facebook and voice activated recorder. The recorder can be place under her seat of her car.

So get the evidence the will prove there is an affair going on.

Once you can gather some basic info on OM you can see if he's married or any other issues that will have a impact on this affair.

With the evidence and the OM info you can confront him with out ever letting your wife know. And with the proof you provide him and the knowlodge of his paerents or spouse you can inform him that that his family will never have to see this proof as long as #1 he never tell your wife of this discusion and #2 he stop all contact withe your wife. 

If for some reason your wife gets wind of this conversation by OM or any one else you will expose the affair. If your wife continues to contactes him and he does not break it off or he continues to cantact her and if you have any suspicion that they are still in contact you will expose the affair.

Its worth a shot, so go on **** Tracy get some info on OM and see if you can get some control of this bull sh*t.

Stop asking her she will only lie. You will need to go covert on her [email protected]@ and get the painful dirt.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I can see what you are saying 'the guy' and I can see how it would work. But what do you accomplish. 

He is married to a cheater. If he scares the guy away, then he is married to a sad cheater.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes there is and are alot of perspective out there and this is one of many. For some reason I felt I would choose this, maybe b/c his wife is to fogged in to go to her directly. Maybe he just needs as much info right now for ammunition down the road..when it comes to exposing to her family.

Some time the WW comes out of the fog and does the NC and things move forward (in apositive way). 

I just have a feeling approaching it this way is just an option he can look at. 
We all know the script and how this crap will go, she is way to connected, look at the time line. 
The OM thinks she is in a sh*tty marraige and has no prob. with a married women b/c she has told him time again how unhappy they are and all the other BS to justify the affair.

Sometimes when the OM finds out that is not the case and she is playing both H & OM the OM may not want that drama. Hurthusban won't know until he atleast finds out more about this scum bag.
How he uses the info is something to weigh very carfully.

Granted confronting OM is dangerous and can back fire but is something that sould be put on the table for the newbies.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In addition the first thin in ending an af affair is no contact no matter how its a achieved. Once OM is out of the picture...yes she will be sad but that influence and dynamic has been removed from the marrgaige and some chance of rebuild can accure. Or at least be considered when the drug has been eliminated.

Yes there will be withdrawls, but for addicts is that a sign of healing?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> I can see what you are saying 'the guy' and I can see how it would work. But what do you accomplish.
> 
> He is married to a cheater. If he scares the guy away, then he is married to a sad cheater.


You accomplish a starting point to working on fixing the marriage. Until the other person is out of the picture, fixing things isn't possible.

This is assuming you want to fix the marriage, of course. If you don't want to fix things, then just file for divorce and be done with it.

C


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

the guy said:


> Some time the WW comes out of the fog and does the NC and things move forward (in apositive way).


True. But that's why he needs to take a stand now and give it a push for it to happen.

If OM is married, TELL HIS WIFE TODAY.



the guy said:


> In addition the first thin in ending an af affair is no contact no matter how its a achieved.


100% correct.


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## hurthusband (Mar 24, 2011)

Thank you all for the advice... OM is not married and was someone who my wife dated in High School and whom I grew up with as a child. I have confronted her and we are going to try counseling and she says she will not talk to him again and didn't think sexting was a huge deal although now understands how i feel. says she has not talked to him in over a year since the last time she was caught. I dont know... hoping counseling will help me/us get through this


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

hurthusband said:


> I have confronted her and we are going to try counseling and she says she will not talk to him again and didn't think sexting was a huge deal


Lies.

Until she starts owning what she did was wrong, you're facing an uphill battle. You should address her not thinking 'sexting' with a past affair partner in MC.

Is OM single?


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## hurthusband (Mar 24, 2011)

The OM i think may have a GF but really not sure... my wife says she gets it now but at the time thought it was harmless (not sure how she figured that one) she claims to have no idea why she did it but feels something is missing from our relationship. I don't get it she can be so closed off to me but then can go and do this! I really want to believe she won't do it again and have told her if she really wants us to work and move forward that she needed to set up the counselor I will be there but she needed to do the leg work. this happend on Wed and in a couple of days I have not seen any movement toward that. She has been working but still! She says all the right things just not sure, but somewhat feel her words are a bit hollow. she is trying hard to get back to normal and being more lovie that usaualy and I am trying to play along especially for the kids, but its hard i just have no idea whats real and what not anymore and i don't feel i can talk to anyone other than write on this forum (for that I am thankful) my mother was watching my kids today and I wanted to tell her about everything but just could not bring myself to open up, but really its tearing me up inside. were are meeting with her parents tonight and Ill know I will have to act like nothing happened and all is good and as crazy as this sounds i don't want to say anything in part because i don't want to hurt her! I am soooo messed up!!!


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

What the H*ll, You need to tell at least your family what has happened. You will feel a lot better, and hint hint, her family will find out to. She needs accountability for her family. When your kids ask mommy why she wants to replace you. She will think about it next time won't she.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey HH----you are playing this all wrong---and you are being played for a fool

Stop with the I love her soooo much crap----she cheated on you---what DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND ABOUT THAT

She took another man inside of her---and you basically just slide it under the rug---AM I NOT RIGHT

She has to be accountable---you have to be very hardline---there is no other way

Your cheating wife---is not an idiot, she wasn't just dropped on this planet, she knows the repercussions of cheating, and then continued contact-----what she is, is decietful, manipulating, and a conniving liar---you know it, we all know it---AND YOU TOLERATE IT

You dont play lovey--dovey with a cheater---you let them know you have had a dagger driven thru your heart---it was done on purpose---for obviously she intended to have her ONS, or it wouldn't have happened---now she is intending on staying in contact---or that wouldn't have happened---and you are playing MR. NICE GUY

Please do not come her whining about the state of your mge---if you arn't gonna play hardball with your wife

She cheated on you----she knew there was to be NC---to keep this mge going---and she stays in contact---and if you are trying to convince us that she has only just re-contacted him, and you believe her---THEN I WANNA SELL YOU THE LONDON BRIDGE

You need to stop worrying about the future of your kids---they will be better off in split happy homes, than in a home full of stress, and unhappiness, due to your wife's continued cheating, and your lack of trust, and mental anguish

Put in some boundaries---you yourself do an extremely strong 180, and let her know you will not stay in a mge with a cheater--- at this point stop the lovey-dovey, and stop being mr. nice guy----maybe somewhere down the line in a couple of years that can be re-instituted---but NOT NOW.


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