# How would you deal with this?



## stuckinboston (Jul 28, 2010)

I have a porn problem. Became aware of it and its impact on my life a little over a year ago. I've got other issues, like anyone - my scattered posting history has most of it - and a wife who I've been butting heads with for six years (last post basically ended with me saying "**** it, I'm leaving," which turned out to be... not what happened. The status is still quo).

So, the porn problem... when I figured out that it was an issue, I reached out to my wife via email and told her. Said that I had come to this realization, wanted to stop porn, found all this info on what it does to men, etc. etc. She seemed supportive, and I made it very clear I was going to need her help getting over it. Not physical help (well, that too), but rather psychological support.

She seemed to understand. I think she was really trying... she seemed to be, at least.

Until I went home - by myself, she couldn't make the trip - to visit my parents. Was talking with my mother about my marriage, issues, how things are going, etc., when she ask me "Isn't there something else you're having problems with?"

Well... no, not as I can think of.

"(Mother-in-law) called me and told me you're addicted to porn. (Wife) sent her a link to a website and she said it was horrible."

****. Great. Thanks. Now my ****ing mother knows about my problem. I didn't want that. I never wanted that, and I especially didn't want to have her find out because (wife) told (MIL) told my mother. It wasn't my mother's business, it wasn't my MIL's business, and I'll be damned if I appreciate someone making it their business behind my back.

My wife managed to call me about twenty minutes later... still in my parents' house (halfway across the country from home/wife)... asks if I'm mad at her. I say no. Massive lie.

Next step, back to the porn, because there's nobody but myself that I can trust.

FWIW, the "horrible" website was the one I sent to my wife detailing the effects and implications of porn addiction.

...

Can you tell I harbor a touch of resentment and anger over this issue? Was about a year and a half ago. Haven't bothered trying to break the porn addiction since.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You should have never lied. It's not to late to tell your wife that her massive breach of trust has driven a wedge between you two.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

That was an indication of how desperate she was. She was afraid your marriage was going to break up and she told her parents. 

How humiliating is it to live with this?

Are you and your wife connecting otherwise?

Has your sex life recovered?

Is she philosophical and supportive or moralistic and condemning?


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## stuckinboston (Jul 28, 2010)

LongWalk said:


> That was an indication of how desperate she was. She was afraid your marriage was going to break up and she told her parents.
> 
> How humiliating is it to live with this?
> 
> ...


We're not really connecting much otherwise and our sex life is borderline nonexistent.

She is philosophical and supportive to my face, though. We just don't talk about these things anymore because I can't shake the feeling that anything I say to her that's controversial is being analyzed and judged by more than just her, and specifically by people I don't want to talk about certain issues with
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

stuckinboston said:


> My wife managed to call me about twenty minutes later... still in my parents' house (halfway across the country from home/wife)... asks if I'm mad at her. I say no. Massive lie.


You need to address this head on if you're still trying to save your marriage. The fact that she called and asked you if you were mad tells you that she knew revealing this to her mother was not what you wanted. She did it anyway. At best it was a selfish and thoughtless indulgence on her part to confide in her mother. At worst is was a mean, vindictive and conscious attempt to humiliate you. Do you know why she did this? This is a problem to be kept between the two of you and a counselor if you're seeing one. Ground rules need to be set and enforced.

Major breach of trust. If you continue to keep your feelings to yourself the resentment will further poison the marriage until it dies. If you want out, just make a break. If you want to fix it, put in the work and fix it.

As far as bailing on the porn recovery, you're really hurting yourself more than her. Recover for yourself, first and foremost. Whether your marriage fails or endures the effort will pay you dividends. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of the Chicken Littles that think that all porn for all men is a bad thing. If you've determined that it is bad for you, do the work to stop. Otherwise, watch whatever you like.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have to stop fearing women.

First of all, you are afraid to tell your wife you are mad at her? Makes no sense to me. That's where you should start. Tell her she is never to betray you ever again.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

Yeah, you basically asked her for help for a problem that you yourself identified and shared with her. You have to tell her you now have another problem, which is that you can't trust her. 

And for your porn problem, I get that it's tough to address it if/when other things comes up, but you can. 

(Assuming it's online) have you thought about finding a way to block your favorite sites? You can easily unblock them, but it's a second barrier for when you break down. Sometime people will pass barrier one, then barrier two makes them think more about it.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You should have never lied. It's not to late to tell your wife that her massive breach of trust has driven a wedge between you two.


This, exactly.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

She can't be trusted if she's sharing things like this with the MIL, and "adding" to it.

I take it then, that your MIL knows about everything you do 'wrong', about every argument, about when you gave her a black eye, about when you shouted her down in mixed company and borrowed money and refused to pay it back.

It doesn't matter that these things didn't actually happen. You've got the black mark on your name, which is handy for later, when she's planning an exit.


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## stuckinboston (Jul 28, 2010)

Fozzy said:


> This, exactly.


And yet my ever present fear, founded or not, is that any concern I raise with her is immediately a concern I'm raising through her to her mother and, potentially, my mother. I really don't want to light that particular fuse.

How do you bring up trust issues when you need to trust the person you're confiding in?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stuckinboston (Jul 28, 2010)

zookeeper said:


> You need to address this head on if you're still trying to save your marriage. The fact that she called and asked you if you were mad tells you that she knew revealing this to her mother was not what you wanted. She did it anyway. At best it was a selfish and thoughtless indulgence on her part to confide in her mother. At worst is was a mean, vindictive and conscious attempt to humiliate you. Do you know why she did this? This is a problem to be kept between the two of you and a counselor if you're seeing one. Ground rules need to be set and enforced.
> 
> Major breach of trust. If you continue to keep your feelings to yourself the resentment will further poison the marriage until it dies. If you want out, just make a break. If you want to fix it, put in the work and fix it.
> 
> ...


So with regards to the porn issue, I didn't stop trying to break the addiction to hurt her. I stopped because the familial support system I tried to lean on to help me broke immediately and I lost the willpower. Still not an excuse to give in, but not a conscious act of vindictiveness towards her.

I believe she didn't do this out of spite but rather thoughtlessness. I think she needed to get support from her mom and didn't consider my privacy when reaching out to her. I have no issues with why she did what she did. I just don't trust her anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Tell your mother you're thinking about divorcing your wife because you can't trust her with your secrets. Trust me it will take the same circle back to your wife. Only this time the frowns looks will be pointed at your wife. Two can play this game.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

stuckinboston said:


> I have a porn problem. Became aware of it and its impact on my life a little over a year ago. I've got other issues, like anyone - my scattered posting history has most of it - and a wife who I've been butting heads with for six years (last post basically ended with me saying "**** it, I'm leaving," which turned out to be... not what happened. The status is still quo).
> 
> So, the porn problem... when I figured out that it was an issue, I reached out to my wife via email and told her. Said that I had come to this realization, wanted to stop porn, found all this info on what it does to men, etc. etc. She seemed supportive, and I made it very clear I was going to need her help getting over it. Not physical help (well, that too), but rather psychological support.
> 
> ...


OMG!! That is a massive massive breach of trust all over the place!

I can understand why you would be massively resentful, but the way you're handling it ...baby/ bath water ....

Find a therapist and make an appointment. You must have someone who you can trust and someone who can help you rebuild the broken boundaries! 

Holy cow! Your wife, your MIL and then your Mother!!!! Speechless!


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

stuckinboston said:


> So with regards to the porn issue, I didn't stop trying to break the addiction to hurt her. I stopped because the familial support system I tried to lean on to help me broke immediately and I lost the willpower. Still not an excuse to give in, but not a conscious act of vindictiveness towards her.
> 
> I believe she didn't do this out of spite but rather thoughtlessness. I think she needed to get support from her mom and didn't consider my privacy when reaching out to her. I have no issues with why she did what she did. I just don't trust her anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Mmm...I think you are in denial. Yes, you had a breakdown in support...and you probably have a whole pocket full of seething , white hot visceral resentment. I would.

Just like wife. I'm sure she wanted help and support...and because she was mad, she got some payback too. People's motives aren't crystal clear.

I'd say this "I am going to find a counselor to fix this because I have to. My support network at home is ruined. And because I have been humiliated by my spouse to her parents and who knows how many of her friends, I don't intend on seeing the in-laws for at least a year. AND you have pretty much ruined my trust in my mother as well. By telling me this, she had to know I would be humiliated. Your phone call let me know that you KNEW this was a cruddy thing to do...and yet you did it. I don't trust you."

This may put paid to the marriage, but this is pretty big.

I'd also go NC with the in-laws. Why talk to them when all they are going to say is 'get over it'? Mom...well...you got to talk to mom, but you don't NEED to talk about THAT. Take her apology and never speak of it again. Hang up if you have to. MIL, mom, and particularly WIFE are now no use to you in healing on this issue. So why talk about it?


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## stuckinboston (Jul 28, 2010)

JCD said:


> Mmm...I think you are in denial. Yes, you had a breakdown in support...and you probably have a whole pocket full of seething , white hot visceral resentment. I would.
> 
> Just like wife. I'm sure she wanted help and support...and because she was mad, she got some payback too. People's motives aren't crystal clear.
> 
> ...


Thanks... is a year and a half too long for this to still be relevant?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I hate people that pull crap like this!! No different then "exposing" a affair.

Let's go and tell every person your dirty laundry then maybe you will stop. 

It would be borderline divorce for me! I doubt I could forgive my wife if I had something I was battling and she went and told everyone.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Yeah...in my experience, it is very important on who you disclose such things to...as you don't know how some will react...so it is important to have VERY trusted people in your circle of support. I can imagine your wife maybe just wanting to garner as much support as possible, but she should have mentioned the idea to you first. Maybe she felt that you wouldn't be inclined to seek accountability, thus she sprung it on you...still bad form. Haha...I remember when I admitted viewing porn to my wife...and she got our pastor on the horn and made me call up a certain friend to talk to...and then she told a few others in our church. It was embarrassing to say the least...and she apologized for it years later...but she was so afraid of what would happen if I sluffed off accountability.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

stuckinboston said:


> Thanks... is a year and a half too long for this to still be relevant?


Wait...you are waiting a YEAR AND A HALF to actually DO anything about this?!?!?

That fact answers your own question. Even a year and a half later, this is STILL incredibly relevant in your life. Your wife has already forgotten it...or she thinks she was 100% justified in what she did.

You did yourself no favors by lying or waiting on this issue. I hope you see how badly you botched this.

Okay, my advice changes. First, I assume that you have NOT brought this up again. I further assume that you have seen the In Laws since then? And lastly, I assume that you still have a porn issue.

Please correct any of these assumptions if they are incorrect.

First, if YOU think you have a porn problem (not faint hearted Church Ladies) than you have a porn problem and you need to fix it. Yes, I get it. You don't have much of a sex life with your wife so it's your only outlet. Tough noogies. You need to take care of this if only to ease your troubled soul. The pixels can't fill the empty space in your life that you think it can.

Second, you find a counselor and you start to go. Get recommendations from other counselors. Start going. If/when your wife notes your absences every Thursday at 6 p.m. and calls you on it, you simply state "I am seeing a counselor." This will lead to a great number of additional questions. To these, you respond thusly: "I do not want my mother or particularly YOUR mother to know my private business, so I won't, not can't, won't tell you. I've already am enjoying that last dose of humiliation, thank you very much."

Expect a hell of a lot of yelling, excuses, or demands. Do not succumb. She has weakened the marriage badly by doing this and it was a sh*tty thing to do. She certainly should have spoken to you BEFORE she did it. Maybe it was supposed to be a 'shaming' tactic. Well, shaming cultures don't tell each other jack just to avoid that very issue.

She will very quickly get a sense of how much she's damaged her marriage.

And...honestly, I'd avoid the hell out of the In-Laws on principle. After you share that little conversation above, there shouldn't be any question about WHY...though you will have to explain away any visits you've had since the revelation. Don't answer those questions either. You don't need to justify not being with people who look down on you because of what your wife said and did.

Dump the porn...or at least start to control it in your life.


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## stuckinboston (Jul 28, 2010)

JCD said:


> Wait...you are waiting a YEAR AND A HALF to actually DO anything about this?!?!?
> 
> That fact answers your own question. Even a year and a half later, this is STILL incredibly relevant in your life. Your wife has already forgotten it...or she thinks she was 100% justified in what she did.
> 
> ...


Neither of your assumptions are incorrect. I'm aware of how badly I've botched things on multiple fronts, one being not expressing how that incident impacted me. Thank you for the candid comments and advice, I really appreciate it.


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