# Romance? =/ Frustrated.



## Unforgiven (Aug 28, 2011)

Every woman wants romance right? To feel like she is desired and loved. I don't think its just the mans job either. Its suppose to go both ways but what happens when only the woman is trying?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Men need to feel trusted and admired.


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## Unforgiven (Aug 28, 2011)

They do, I agree with that. What do you do when you cant get a man to see why romance is important you?


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## HappyWife40 (Aug 23, 2011)

What happens when you initiate the romance (I'm not talking about sex, just whatever romance is to you)? Does he get into it, or does he blow you off?


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## Unforgiven (Aug 28, 2011)

He doesn't blow me off per say... he just has a lukewarm reaction... I'm just tired of being the only one to initiate romance. He doesn't really get it.


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## HappyWife40 (Aug 23, 2011)

Is there anything that he finds romantic? I ask this because my husband and I find different things romantic and since I am the romance initiator in our marriage, I had to find out what "did it" for him.

I realize that always being the romantic one can be tiresome. Some people honesty just do not need much of it, so it's not really on their radar. 

I just look at it this way: hubby is awesome at home repair, I stink at them. He does the lion's share and I help out where I am useful. To me, romance is the same way. I'm just better at it. 

I don't know if this will help you at all. Just throwing out an idea.

Good luck!


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## Unforgiven (Aug 28, 2011)

It does help in a way =) Him and I are just complete opposites. I'm very artsy and a hopeless romantic while he... he is very logical and he thinks of things in a more... er realistic way. I don't know what does it for him at all he doesn't really know either. Any time I'm romantic he'll thank me. He says that he loves that I do it. I dont know why he cant try and do something for me sometimes.. 

I don't even want him to do as much as i do I just want a little something. We're long distance right now and this is where the problems began. When I'm with him he's very romantic in the way he'll kiss my forehead or touch me... but apart... he comes off a bit cold sometimes... So I just want a little something so it doesnt feel like he's fallen out of love with me.

Any time I visit him or he visits me its like we never were apart... so i know he hasnt. He just doesnt understand why I like romance.


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## lht285 (Aug 25, 2011)

My wife and I have our worst times when we try and maintain happiness through a phone. I am horrible about interrupting and she just gets all quiet. I call it anti-phone sex. If he continues to be wonderful when you are with him and horrible on the phone, it could just be that he is horrible communicating that way.


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## Unforgiven (Aug 28, 2011)

lht285 said:


> My wife and I have our worst times when we try and maintain happiness through a phone. I am horrible about interrupting and she just gets all quiet. I call it anti-phone sex. If he continues to be wonderful when you are with him and horrible on the phone, it could just be that he is horrible communicating that way.


Our worst times have been that way too... We're very happy when we're together and we rarely fight. Even if we do its usually over quickly. Over here though its hard because we fight alot. Mostly cause I'm lonely over here by myself and he's always busy with his friends. He tries but it sucks. He really is but so am I, I suppose but I try my hardest to let him know I love him and still desire him but he doesnt seem to care to try and do the same. Our ideas are completely different and I dont know how to fix it.


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## HappyWife40 (Aug 23, 2011)

Long distance has got to be so hard. I feel for you. I hate it when my husband and I are apart. 

Your guy may never really understand why romance is so important to you (not trying to be a downer), logical realists sometimes don't. They have their good qualities, but emotional stuff usually doesn't make it very high up on the list. My husband is a logical realist, so I know where you are coming from.

Now this piece of advice will absolutely not sound romantic at all, but it may help. Make a short list (two to five things) that you find incredibly romantic and have him write them down and post them somewhere where he will see it often. Ask him to try and pick one that he can do for each encounter you have. It may be something as simple as saying "I just freaking miss you so much!" I realize that telling him your list is not romantic, but some people need to have a concrete list to pull from. Be prepared, he may feel a little awkward at first, but that's normal.

I did this with my husband (although it was reversed). I asked my husband to make a list for me of what he needed as a man that I could give him. Looking at the list daily helped me remember what he truly desired. It was slightly awkward for me at first, but it was so worth it.

I also know that I don't know you and this advice may be totally wrong for you as a couple, I can only speak from my own experiences. I hope things go well!


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## Unforgiven (Aug 28, 2011)

It's almost been a year and its really really hard. =( When everyone told me how hard it was and that we might even break up, I believed them but I didnt really see how hard it actually was. We've almost broke it off once or twice already... but I want this to work with him. He's my everything. 

Also, I would really try to do that. My only problem is my guy... well... he thinks me asking him to be romantic for me once and awhile means i want him to completely change who he is. Which it isnt that at all, being in a long distance relationship I want to feel from him the same feelings i get when we're together. To know we still feel for each other as much as we did when we were together. I will try that though maybe if he has a list he'll see I don't need him to be "mushy" or "sappy" for him to be romantic to me.


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## HappyWife40 (Aug 23, 2011)

I hear you on the "mushy/sappy" thing  That would probably kill my poor husband.  

I hope you guys can be together soon. Good luck to you!


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## Unforgiven (Aug 28, 2011)

Thank you! for the advice as well. Hopefully it all works out


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I respect the other opinions, but I'll throw out a different opinion. I'm a very logical, realist type. My pre-marital counselor would have told us that we were wasting our time in getting married if the husband, me, didn't realize that my wife, like many women, needed romance and intimacy that was initiated by me. She needed to be pursued to stay open sexually. The only thing keeping him from doing this is him. If his boss asks him to do something that is a little awkward or unnatural, he will not usually say no, will he? I think he needs to understand that it will not be easy for you to get over this, and that you are willing to work hard to support his efforts, but he needs to learn not to feel too embarrassed to be romantic. It comes much harder for some than others, but the only missing element in getting to this place is the will to do it.

Sure, he may never be a very passionate person, but you said that you can accept this. He can learn to kiss, flirt, hold, and caress you, though. It feels awkward as all get out, but when it is reinforced by the wife, this passes pretty quickly.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Halien said:


> I respect the other opinions, but I'll throw out a different opinion. I'm a very logical, realist type. My pre-marital counselor would have told us that we were wasting our time in getting married if the husband, me, didn't realize that my wife, like many women, needed romance and intimacy that was initiated by me. She needed to be pursued to stay open sexually. The only thing keeping him from doing this is him. If his boss asks him to do something that is a little awkward or unnatural, he will not usually say no, will he? I think he needs to understand that it will not be easy for you to get over this, and that you are willing to work hard to support his efforts, but he needs to learn not to feel too embarrassed to be romantic. It comes much harder for some than others, but the only missing element in getting to this place is the will to do it.
> 
> Sure, he may never be a very passionate person, but you said that you can accept this. He can learn to kiss, flirt, hold, and caress you, though. It feels awkward as all get out, but when it is reinforced by the wife, this passes pretty quickly.


:iagree:
I know my SO has found it very awkward in the past, but he is trying and getting much better. It is so important to me that he be flirty/ sexual/ romantic. It makes me feel connected to him and it does help me be open sexually. 

We also have a long distance relationship, that will hopefully not be long distance for too much longer. It is very hard.

I have been very open and honest about what I need from my SO to stay attracted to him. And luckily he is willing to try and do those things and it means a lot to me.


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## Unforgiven (Aug 28, 2011)

Syrum said:


> :iagree:
> I know my SO has found it very awkward in the past, but he is trying and getting much better. It is so important to me that he be flirty/ sexual/ romantic. It makes me feel connected to him and it does help me be open sexually.
> 
> We also have a long distance relationship, that will hopefully not be long distance for too much longer. It is very hard.
> ...


I try to be open and honest to him but he's not very open back. He thinks me asking him to be romantic towards me sometimes means that I'm trying to completely change him. He says "I'm sorry I'll never be like that. It's not my thing. It's just something I can't give you." He doesnt seem to get almost EVERY woman needs a little bit of romance now and then and I feel since we are so apart I need it a little bit more now then ever. I just cant get him to see that. I'm gonna try HappyWife40's advice... hopefully it'll help him a little bit but dont really know if he'll go for it at all.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Unforgiven said:


> I try to be open and honest to him but he's not very open back. He thinks me asking him to be romantic towards me sometimes means that I'm trying to completely change him. He says "I'm sorry I'll never be like that. It's not my thing. It's just something I can't give you." He doesnt seem to get almost EVERY woman needs a little bit of romance now and then and I feel since we are so apart I need it a little bit more now then ever. I just cant get him to see that. I'm gonna try HappyWife40's advice... hopefully it'll help him a little bit but dont really know if he'll go for it at all.


I agree that HappyWife40's advice is probably the best way to get some traction here. Praise him for what he does, and even let him know that he is good at it, if he is. As a guy, though, I just think that the excuse of saying that something 'just isn't me' is many times just manspeak for 'I'm too ashamed to try'. The same person will often puff their chest out proudly when their wife flutters with contentment over some small romantic act. One of the key drivers of many men is a hidden desire to be thought of as a great lover by our wife, but the challenge just feels so awkward for many that we settle for something less, and claim that we never wanted it in the first place.


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## Unforgiven (Aug 28, 2011)

Oh yes! That sounds exactly right! Whenever I do get excited when he has done something romantic he's thrilled by it. Some good news is I just tried out HappyWife40's advice and he was ok with the list and willing to try! I picked little things that would make me happy like , "compliment me, pick a feature of mine you like and compliment it" "Tell me how much you miss me" "Call me just because! (without me asking you to)" some of the things and he said he'd give it a shot. So hopefully this helps him see that romance isnt (isnt just...) about sappy mushy stuff =)


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## HappyWife40 (Aug 23, 2011)

Unforgiven said:


> Oh yes! That sounds exactly right! Whenever I do get excited when he has done something romantic he's thrilled by it. Some good news is I just tried out HappyWife40's advice and he was ok with the list and willing to try! I picked little things that would make me happy like , "compliment me, pick a feature of mine you like and compliment it" "Tell me how much you miss me" "Call me just because! (without me asking you to)" some of the things and he said he'd give it a shot. So hopefully this helps him see that romance isnt (isnt just...) about sappy mushy stuff =)


I'm so glad for you! That was a great list, by the way! Very non-threatening and he shouldn't feel awkward by your requests. Good job! :smthumbup:


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## hcvherber (Aug 21, 2011)

Unfortunately there are some people who are naturally not romantic, but it CAN be learned. Continue being romantic and when that nature of yours has become so much a part of his life, he will get the hang of it too, it will rub off on him. If you keep him happy he will find ways to make you happy too in his own way. Just because a person does not love you the way you want them to doesn't mean he does not love you. 

But you can develop him to be a romantic by continuing to be one, and also you may get the message across by let's say watching movies together and showing appreciation for scenes where the man shows romantic ways, or telling him of a situation wherein you were so touched by how a man showed romance to his woman, or asking a mutual friend to suggest it to him how you wish you feel more romance. You can also tell him in a light, sometimes humorous manner about wanting him to be more romantic. There are ways to suggest this subtly without offending him.


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