# Thin skin...easily hurt.



## Sixlet (Apr 26, 2016)

How do you make marriage work and keep honesty at the forefront when you're married to someone who is hypersensitive to any type of requests for change/constructive criticism? Also how do you know what you need to improve upon when they're so afraid of rocking the boat that they won't even offer constructive criticism? 

I prefer to speak plainly and communicate what I need from my husband. I try to use the "i need" and "when you do this I feel this" type of statements. It never works. 

He ends up getting sullen and saying things like how awful he is and how horrible he is at being a husband. That's completely not what I've said at all. I also couch my thoughts in positive things to avoid this but it never works. 

When I ask what I could do to improve as his partner he offers nothing. He says he's happy and doesn't want me to change a thing. How is that even possible? It makes me feel like I'm a jerk for needing improvements on things like intimacy,communication, and sex. 

I'm starting to shut down and push him away :/


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Landmine people are difficult to deal with. 

OTOH, it always helps to find the right way to phrase things - to try to make requests positive rather than negative.


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## Sixlet (Apr 26, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Landmine people are difficult to deal with.
> 
> OTOH, it always helps to find the right way to phrase things - to try to make requests positive rather than negative.


He always finds a way to make it out to be like he's the most horrible husband in the world. Which in turn makes me feel like anything I need or want from him is unreasonable since it makes him feel like a horrible spouse when I ask for things. 
It sucks.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

It sounds like he needs to read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy".


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You might want to read "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by M. Smith. It is far more than the title suggests. It will give you some good verbal tools to use with him.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

There are a thousand ways to approach this, but not knowing your partner's languages make this a penlight in 30 days of night.

Confidence carries it's own light differently in each of us, and it's measure lies not from another but within ourselves. 

There came a time when I had to exchange new confidences for old... I had never felt insecurity when walls came down and I found myself standing open, suddenly every word of improvement that was directed at me felt like an attack. My wife looked at me like some alien that had inhabited her husband replacing a stranger with a stranger stranger... I now complicated everything especially when her "plain talk" was callous and hurtful, and it was not nice at times not that I didn't have an ability to step aside from it, even when it was simply rude and intended to hurt.

Self love, respect, and worth are a critical foundation... if one is weak here then new eyes are so important because our scenery doesn't change, just ask a mirror but remember a mirror only see's what's on the outside. 

May I ask what he does for a living?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

One thing that helps with my wife is letting of the little things and picking my "battles". Not enough info to say if that might help you.



Sixlet said:


> When I ask what I could do to improve as his partner he offers nothing. He says he's happy and doesn't want me to change a thing. How is that even possible? It makes me feel like I'm a jerk for needing improvements on things like intimacy,communication, and sex.


That's my wife too. I do keep asking, occasionally, while working what I know I need to improve on. Also pay attention to his non verbal communications, he's likely sending signals. My wife will often verbalize something but it's too cryptic to understand at time. How is the communication in general? 

One more book recommendation "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It", parts of it really helped me.


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## Sixlet (Apr 26, 2016)

CharlieParker said:


> One thing that helps with my wife is letting of the little things and picking my "battles". Not enough info to say if that might help you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks,Charlie! I have started to let go of a lot of those little things realizing they don't matter in the long run. It definitely has helped my happiness level and I'm sure has helped him feel less unworthy. My main focus is our lack of intimate communication and his lack of initiating sex. He's so responsive and it's making me feel very undesirable since I'm always the one making the move for sex. We also get stuck in this pattern of only talking about work,tv shows,politics,and other things like that. The conversations don't ever go deeper. 
He genuinely seems happy and is sweet and loving so part of me things he really just wants me to stop trying to fix things. I don't know :/


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## Sixlet (Apr 26, 2016)

Thor said:


> It sounds like he needs to read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy".


Part of me wonders if he's truly blaming himself and throwing himself on the sword bc he's too nice but then the other part of me wonders if it's not a manipulation tactic to make me stop asking things of him.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Sounds to me like he's insanely afraid of rejection. That and his sense of ego is in the toilet. That could explain why he never initiates sex - if you said no he would be devastated. Better to expect disappointment and not be disappointed than to expect the best and be let down. At least that's how I perceive his thinking.

He needs counseling. Something has happened to him in the past to make him so meek. Maybe he was bullied as a child, maybe a traumatic experience in school or college. There's no telling. But a counselor can help him realize that hey, I am worth something and I am a damn good husband.


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## Sixlet (Apr 26, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> Sounds to me like he's insanely afraid of rejection. That and his sense of ego is in the toilet. That could explain why he never initiates sex - if you said no he would be devastated. Better to expect disappointment and not be disappointed than to expect the best and be let down. At least that's how I perceive his thinking.
> 
> He needs counseling. Something has happened to him in the past to make him so meek. Maybe he was bullied as a child, maybe a traumatic experience in school or college. There's no telling. But a counselor can help him realize that hey, I am worth something and I am a damn good husband.


You're probably right. I've spent our entire relationship building him up and helping him find his voice. He always says the thing he admires most about me is the fact that I'm not a doormat for anyone and say what I feel. But over time I'm starting to lose that part of myself at least with him bc I don't want him to feel beat down by me. 

As for rejection he has never had to feel that from me. But I understand the fear of it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He sounds intimidated.
He sounds passive.
He sounds like he does not want to rock the boat.

He sounds, but nothing comes out of his mouth.

Mark.....Twain....two meters deep, shallow water all around.


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## Sixlet (Apr 26, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> He sounds intimidated.
> He sounds passive.
> He sounds like he does not want to rock the boat.
> 
> ...


That's a great observation. anything helpful to add?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Sixlet said:


> I'm always the one making the move for sex.


Was that always the case? Or did he initiate in the past but stopped?


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Sixlet said:


> As for rejection he has never had to feel that from me. But I understand the fear of it.


I'm not saying you would reject him. But if he made a sexual overture at a time when you weren't in the mood, had a headache (a real one) or had something else going on that totally put you out of the mood, then he might see that as a reason to blame himself rather than accept the explanation at face value. He needs to gain some self confidence. Maybe integrate some humor into your sex life. Humor is a great tool.


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## Sixlet (Apr 26, 2016)

CharlieParker said:


> Was that always the case? Or did he initiate in the past but stopped?


He has always been pretty shy about it. We talked about it at the beginning and he said he needed time to feel comfortable with initiating. So I gave him time. And more time. Then some more time. It never really improved. 
I did a little experiment once where I stopped initiating and bringing up sex. I stopped trying to communicate on a deeper level too. It was like living with a best friend who enjoys netflix and cuddles. he didn't actually bring up sexual activity for 3 weeks. That's how long it took for him to want it badly enough to talk about it.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Sixlet said:


> He has always been pretty shy about it. We talked about it at the beginning and he said he needed time to feel comfortable with initiating. So I gave him time. And more time. Then some more time. It never really improved.
> I did a little experiment once where I stopped initiating and bringing up sex. I stopped trying to communicate on a deeper level too. It was like living with a best friend who enjoys netflix and cuddles. he didn't actually bring up sexual activity for 3 weeks. That's how long it took for him to want it badly enough to talk about it.


Unfortunately it sounds like he's just not very into sex. How old is he? In decent shape? Does he workout? There's a chance is testosterone is low, google the symptoms and if they match have him get tested. 

In your initial post you only mentioned sex in passing, is it the, or one of the, biggest issue(s) for you? If the sex was working for you then the thin skinnedness wouldn't really be such an issue, or?


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## Sixlet (Apr 26, 2016)

CharlieParker said:


> Unfortunately it sounds like he's just not very into sex. How old is he? In decent shape? Does he workout? There's a chance is testosterone is low, google the symptoms and if they match have him get tested.
> 
> In your initial post you only mentioned sex in passing, is it the, or one of the, biggest issue(s) for you? If the sex was working for you then the thin skinnedness wouldn't really be such an issue, or?


He's mid 30s. He's in good shape but he's not a slave to the gym. He's outside all day for work walking a job site that goes on for miles so he stays pretty lean. We could have sex every day if I initiate and he could orgasm and stay hard every time. But if I don't bring it up it takes him a while before he really needs to have it basically. 

The lack of initiation is a big deal bc I need it in order to feel desirable. The thin skinned issue compiles the problem and makes it bigger because I feel like I can't seem to find a non hurtful way to discuss it. 

I feel like an a** complaining bc he's so unselfish in bed and I never walk away unsatisfied.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sixlet said:


> That's a great observation. anything helpful to add?





> I'm starting to shut down and push him away :/


I get it. He is mute. He does not to want to argue and fight. Why? Maybe he knows he will never win....not win, but not be heard and be understood. He has lost faith in your willingness and ability to see his point of view.

Hell, you came after me with snark. Is that what you do with him..most people?

Why are you shutting down. It is obvious to me that you have serious issues with him? Communication is not a serious issue, unless he says NOTHING.

Is he boring? Have you no common issues to enjoy together. Are you transferring your general discontent with him, with your relationship and blaming it all on his passivity and failure to talk?

He "says" he has no serious issues with you. He will keep saying that until...you push him...what, out the door?

Sorry, you have made changing him your mission in life. You are not happy. He is the cause. Not you?

Fix you and the problem is cut in half. You are obsessing over this. He seems to be your "sore tooth". Your tongue can taste no sweet, enjoy no meal.

Your tongue keeps seeking out the sensitive tooth.

It sounds like you two are "simply" not compatible. 

If you remain too rigid, too righteous, you will live a lonely life.

Only YOU can make you happy. Your SO can certainly help but only so much.


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## Sixlet (Apr 26, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> I get it. He is mute. He does not to want to argue and fight. Why? Maybe he knows he will never win....not win, but not be heard and be understood. He has lost faith in your willingness and ability to see his point of view.
> 
> Hell, you came after me with snark. Is that what you do with him..most people?
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you've misunderstood me, there was no "snark" from me. I was asking for helpful advice and complimented you on the observation you made. 

As for how I am with him...very gentle. I treat him with care and consideration. I would simply like to be able to talk to him about some issues without worrying he's going to go to the extreme and beat himself up. 

You're making a lot of very harsh and incorrect assumptions. Maybe you're lashing out because you thought I was being snarky or maybe you're always this way. Either way, I asked for help and advice...you've done your best. So thank you for that and take care.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Sixlet said:


> He says he's happy and doesn't want me to change a thing.


Let me get this straight.... He thinks you're perfect.



Sixlet said:


> He's mid 30s. He's in good shape


He's young and in shape.....



Sixlet said:


> He's outside all day for work walking a job site that goes on for miles


He works fulltime and clearly is hard working.....



Sixlet said:


> I feel like an a** complaining bc he's so unselfish in bed and I never walk away unsatisfied.


And always makes you cum......



Sixlet said:


> It makes me feel like I'm a jerk for needing improvements on things like intimacy, communication, and sex.


Maybe you should cut the guy a little slack. I can think of at least a dozen regular women posters on here who would KILL for a guy like this....


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Sixlet said:


> He's mid 30s. He's in good shape but he's not a slave to the gym. He's outside all day for work walking a job site that goes on for miles so he stays pretty lean. *We could have sex every day* if I initiate and he could orgasm and stay hard every time. But if I don't bring it up it takes him a while before he really needs to have it basically.
> 
> The lack of initiation is a big deal bc I need it in order to feel desirable. The thin skinned issue compiles the problem and makes it bigger because I feel like I can't seem to find a non hurtful way to discuss it.
> 
> I feel like an a** complaining bc he's so unselfish in bed and I never walk away unsatisfied.


Thanks for clarifying.

I get the in order to feel desirable, it's real so don't feel like an ass. Do be thankful he doesn't turn you with repeated excuses, plenty of women on TAM try to initiate to only be repeatedly shot down. I know that doesn't help you at least you have something to work with.


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## Sixlet (Apr 26, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> Let me get this straight.... He thinks you're perfect.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I am also working full time...hard worker. Make all his meals,lunches,clean the whole house alone, his laundry is taken care of by me,etc. I also make him c*m and I'm also young and in shape. I think those things are fantastic but it's not like I'm a slacker who just complains about him lol 

All I'm asking is to be able to communicate with him when things need to be discussed without him automatically resorting to the "I'm a horrible husband" routine. We'd get many more things resolved if he could hear me instead of getting depressed whenever we have a little hiccup.


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## Sixlet (Apr 26, 2016)

CharlieParker said:


> Thanks for clarifying.
> 
> I get the in order to feel desirable, it's real so don't feel like an ass. Do be thankful he doesn't turn you with repeated excuses, plenty of women on TAM try to initiate to only be repeatedly shot down. I know that doesn't help you at least you have something to work with.


You've been very helpful, Charlie. Thank you


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

I see some here trying to minimize the issue you're having. 

My current partner would respond that way in the beginning when I would point out issues. It's self defeating and counterintuitive. It would drive me nuts. How is you bashing yourself and throwing your hands up in the air supposed to help the problem? Guess what, chances are it will come up again and now you've had to bash yourself twice and feel worse the second time where we could have handled it the first time and be done. I told him i can't continue to be honest with you and feel comfortable coming to you with concerns if you choose to respond that way. I don't know when or how it finally started making sense in his head but what a complete change it is now. 

I'm trying to think of what I did that could have influenced that so perhaps you could try. I did the Emotional Needs questionnaire with him. I know he had a little eureka moment with that. He used to feel so terrible because he felt it was his responsibility to make sure the relationship was good. The questionnaire gave him better tools to do just that as he had a better understanding of how to please me and insight into ways we communicated differently that lead to disagreements. I also had him read the Needs chapter on Intimate Conversation. We spoke in depth about the list of enemies to intimate conversation presented in the chapter and other personal ones that weren't listed.

I started seeing small changes immediately after that talk. I had a thread here ranting about some issue we were having and a poster picked up on some of his childhood issues that were contributors. After that I made more of an effort to learn more about his childhood and the way he thought as a man. Like most of us he loved talking about himself and started opening up to me more and more without even realizing it.

So that's how things ended improving for me OP. I hope this was helpful.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Sixlet said:


> I am also working full time...hard worker. Make all his meals,lunches,clean the whole house alone, his laundry is taken care of by me,etc. I also make him c*m and I'm also young and in shape. I think those things are fantastic but it's not like I'm a slacker who just complains about him lol


Yeah but he's not the one posting on TAM whose looking for more...



Sixlet said:


> All I'm asking is to be able to communicate with him when things need to be discussed without him automatically resorting to the "I'm a horrible husband" routine. We'd get many more things resolved if he could hear me instead of getting depressed whenever we have a little hiccup.


Then you should probably just go to marriage counseling? Perhaps they can get through to him since you can not without a guilt trip.

You might want to meet him halfway. I agree he could probably hear you out more but I'm sure you could agree maybe you could vent less as well?

Don't fight every battle just the ones that REALLY matter. Most successful marriages are built on people who have a lot of patience for each others differences.


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## Sixlet (Apr 26, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> Yeah but he's not the one posting on TAM whose looking for more...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I don't vent. Ever. It hurts him when he deals with others doing it so I dont do it unless it's about work and things that have nothing to do w him. When I talk to him about our issues it's not often and I try to be as careful as possible.

I feel like I'm on eggshells. 

I wonder at the replies if I was a man saying this about my wife.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You seem very patient and tolerant, OP. Maybe it is time for a new approach?

How about the next time you bring up a difficult subject and he gets all defensive and takes it personally, you say, "Maybe you are right about yourself, Husband." And then just walk away.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Sixlet said:


> I wonder at the replies if I was a man saying this about my wife.


I think the diagnosis would be the same. Low self-esteem. Insecurity. Possibly the result of PTSD from a past relationship/incident or upbringing.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sixlet said:


> Part of me wonders if he's truly blaming himself and throwing himself on the sword bc he's too nice but then the other part of me wonders if it's not a manipulation tactic to make me stop asking things of him.


Manipulation tactic was my first thought. The fact that he can't think of a single thing you need to improve about yourself is his way of saying "See, I don't complain about you".

The next time he starts with the pity party, say "Honey, please don't say that about yourself. If it were true, I wouldn't be here. Now, let's get back to you chasing me because I like to be pursued, too.".

Advice: drop the words 'always' and 'never' from your vocabulary when dealing with your husband.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think it sounds like he has a lot of feminine energy. Like he's the female in the relationship and it leaves you.... nowhere! I do not have any suggestions, unfortunately. Can you see him drastically changing?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Livvie said:


> I think it sounds like he has a lot of feminine energy. Like he's the female in the relationship


Totally agree.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I don't see how him having an avoidant personality makes him "the female" in the relationship. I think being avoidant is gender-neutral.

Somewhere along the way, probably childhood and FOO, he has learned to avoid confrontation (or what he perceives as confrontation--his filter is skewed) and also to view every comment as criticism. And all this really is is defensiveness. Defensiveness presents in many ways -- Google it and you'll see he fits the profile perfectly. And defensiveness is an obstacle to intimacy and a relationship killer.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Sixlet said:


> I wonder at the replies if I was a man saying this about my wife.


If you were a man, I would also be telling you to meet her halfway.

Is compromise a sexist notion now?

Also, if you were a man, I'd be telling you to give me her number if things don't pan out cause she sounds fantastic....


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Listen together to the CD audiobook by John Gottman, "Ten lessons to transform your marriage. This one too: The second addition ne Seven principles for making marriage work / Main Author:	Gottman, John Mordechai. Get into counseling. If you both can employ what is in this book I think you will have success. The when this is done both of you read this: Love is Not Enough..and Love That Lastsby Gottman. all are on audio disc. It is easier to listen and you get the skills quicker.Get the relationship cure book - lots of tests and How to keep the spark alive by Marshal..

If you listen to the ten lessons first together on audio CD you will definitely want to do... I can get things rolling why you wait for marriage counseling. Good luck.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Davidmidwest said:


> Listen together to the CD audiobook by John Gottman, "Ten lessons to transform your marriage. This one too: The second addition ne Seven principles for making marriage work / Main Author:	Gottman, John Mordechai. Get into counseling. If you both can employ what is in this book I think you will have success. The when this is done both of you read this: Love is Not Enough..and Love That Lastsby Gottman. all are on audio disc. It is easier to listen and you get the skills quicker.Get the relationship cure book - lots of tests and How to keep the spark alive by Marshal..
> 
> If you listen to the ten lessons first together on audio CD you will definitely want to do... I can get things rolling why you wait for marriage counseling. Good luck.


Pardon my nosiness, but why didn't the recommended work for your marriage? Did you find these tools before divorce was filed or after?


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## Sixlet (Apr 26, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> If you were a man, I would also be telling you to meet her halfway.
> 
> Is compromise a sexist notion now?
> 
> Also, if you were a man, I'd be telling you to give me her number if things don't pan out cause she sounds fantastic....


I compromise every day of my life with him. This is about him growing up and communicating like a functioning adult without being a victim constantly. Based on what I've been reading on this site about women who don't initiate sex ever, women who refuse to communicate ever without playing the victim,etc the advice would be WAY different if I was a man. That's ok though. I received helpful tips from a few others and that's really all I needed.


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## Sixlet (Apr 26, 2016)

jld said:


> You seem very patient and tolerant, OP. Maybe it is time for a new approach?
> 
> How about the next time you bring up a difficult subject and he gets all defensive and takes it personally, you say, "Maybe you are right about yourself, Husband." And then just walk away.


I'd feel like a horrible person if I did that. To anyone but especially to him.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Sixlet said:


> I'd feel like a horrible person if I did that. To anyone but especially to him.


I understand it sounds harsh. And to a kind and gentle wife like yourself, it may seem completely wrong.

But sometimes, when you stop carrying someone, they start carrying themselves.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Sixlet said:


> I wonder at the replies if I was a man saying this about my wife.


 I never put a gender to this... it all comes down to acceptance, not about what works in our relationships, that's easy when something changes we like in another or ourselves, but when something doesn't work we always look at others first before ourselves.

Change happens, uncontrolled and unfaltering... you shared you built him up and he trusts you... now you speak honestly and your "truths" sound much like the words you have expressed in the past and it hurts in the confusion... which does one trust, the teeth or the tail?

He has to trust that when you are critical it's not because you love him less, it is because you love him more to be honest in that way... until he sees and understands that his hurt will be misplaced. You may not have intentionally changed this trust, but perhaps for him he sees a different change in you with words or behaviors, which has caused his trust to change as well?

Your kindness not to hurt him as you work through this is your measure... some may say it's wrongly applied and too nice is too passive but please, whatever your approach, do not keep this tool far from your hand because such compassion here for your partner may not be wrong.

Find your own balance between accepting and expecting and let him see you do this... we are all teachers and we are all learners in our relationships, the lessons are important to both.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

Sixlet said:


> Part of me wonders if he's truly blaming himself and throwing himself on the sword bc he's too nice but then the other part of me wonders if it's not a *manipulation tactic to make me stop asking things of him*.


When I read the OP this was my first thought. Im wondering if it is a manipulation to get you to stop for some reason. Conflict avoidance, unable to hear constructive criticism etc.

Even if he is the definition of a nice guy it could still be manipulation. He puts HIMSELF in the victim chair and makes you the persecutor. For what reason i dont think anyone can answer.


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