# Am I Paranoid or is He Hiding Something?



## Sickofbeingliedto (May 1, 2013)

I am at the end of my rope with a situation in my marriage. My husband swears I am being paranoid; I say that he does/says things that cause me to question his honesty, and it is causing problems in our marriage.

As examples:

He will say he is doing side work, but when I call he is not there; he is out "riding around" with the friend he is supposed to be doing side work with. Often his checks don't match the hours he works, yet he swears I am being paranoid when I ask where he really was.

For a long time now, we have had an issue where he will not use his phone in the house or around myself or the kids. He will only make/take calls while he is in his car to/from work. If someone does call while he is around me, he will not take the call and let it go to voice mail.

We used to have each other's account passwords. He recently changed his email password because, in his words, he was "having a fit" and now claims to not know what the password is when I ask for it. 

In addition to these instances, we have long had a problem with him telling lies -- small lies, big lies. He has been confronted with black-and-white evidence in some cases and still lied, telling me I'm paranoid and out of line for suspecting anything.

I am at the point where I can't live like this anymore. I don't trust him and feel that he has given me 99 reasons not to....he insists that I'm paranoid and reading too much into things and just want to fight. 

As an aside, I always take calls with him around, he has access to my email accounts, and I have never given him any reason not to trust me -- in other words, I am always where I say I am and am pretty much an open book.

So please help. Am I paranoid as he says, or do I have reason to be suspicious at this point?


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

Well, there is no way for anyone to know the truth of what he says other than him, right? So, who knows.

I guess I would suggest that you work on taking care of yourself. Rather than spend so much energy checking all of his work and each statement that he makes, work instead on being true to you, and maybe get yourself ready to be without him. Things you would and should be doing for yourself either way. 

It seems like you are at that point where he cannot do anything to satisfaction. --don't get me wrong - lying is super bad, and worth leaving about -- but, I'm not seeing you torn about how much you love him or how great the relationship is... So, it's hard to get a feel about what you're fighting for.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

You are being paranoid...

But there are probably some half-truths out there.

The main thing is there is an issue in your marriage you both need to work on. Why not be the one to work on things from your end?
Less spying and more looking at what type of spouse you are to him.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

All red flags.

I had the same one. Told myself I was being paranoid....didn't trust my gut.

Yea. BIG mistake. He was up to no good. Trolling for sex on Craigslist is one of them...I saw the emails.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Sounds like he's hiding something and gaslighting as well.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

The problem with lies is that they are to cover something up. Over time they get bigger. But, over time, even the person telling them can't "keep the story straight". Lies do destroy trust--something which must exist in a healthy relationship.

Perhaps its time to get a voice activated recorder and place it under his car seat. It shouldn't take long to find out what he is really doing.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

Sickofbeingliedto said:


> I am at the end of my rope with a situation in my marriage. My husband swears I am being paranoid; I say that he does/says things that cause me to question his honesty, and it is causing problems in our marriage.
> 
> As examples:
> 
> ...


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I second putting a VAR in his car. Stick it under his seat. And does he have an iPhone where you can track where he is? Do you have access to the cell phone records? I would start there and see if you see any suspicious activity --- excessive text messages and/or phone calls to the same number, etc. 

I do not think you are paranoid at all. Taking a look at each issue you listed individually I'd say there is a somewhat "reasonable" explanation but with them all together there is definitely red flags; as someone pointed out above. 

It's time to take action and stop rugsweeping. It's very possible the truth may hurt but at least you'll know you are not crazy and you'll know what you are working with to make an informed decision. He can gaslight you all day long but at the end of the day you need to trust your gut and whatever proof you dig up. Don't let him question yourself one more day. That's just crazy-making! 

Good luck.


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## Sickofbeingliedto (May 1, 2013)

Thank all of you for taking the time to respond. 

To the ones who say that I'm being paranoid, I'm willing to at least concede that I probably put too much time/effort/thought into wondering how much I'm being lied to...because it's happened so often and I drive both of us crazy trying to make sense of the lies. That's my fault. Maybe I do need to back off, but I struggle with that because I did that for years when he said I was being paranoid or too sensitive, and things have gotten worse. 

To everyone else, THANK YOU. Obviously, I wanted to hear that I'm not paranoid, but to hear some of you confirm what I was already thinking but hadn't said -- that he's gaslighting, his excuses are BS, he is trying to push his behavior off on me -- gives me enough validation to believe that I'm not crazy. 

These kinds of things have happened so often that I don't trust my own judgment anymore. I keep wondering, Am I too sensitive? Am I too paranoid? Did I really hear him wrong....again? as he swears. It's only in the last few months I have started asking different questions....to him: Why doesn't your story add up, again? Why weren't you where you're supposed to be? The "smarter" I get in this regard and can catch him as he lies or his stories contradict each other, the worse he's getting with trying to convince me that I'm crazy, too sensitive, paranoid, out of line....whatever the phrase for the day is.

This gaslighting stuff is enough to drive an otherwise sane person right to the loony bin. Some days I seriously feel like I'm losing my mind.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

I dont believe your paranoid. If a partner is hiding access to emails then you could try asking for their password via their site, some will send it or have a special sentace to allow you to rest - access it. 
Taking calls away from you and children. Ok some will say hes doing this so business doesnt come home with him, thats good, but when someone will go outside to hear the voicemail or to take the call then Id start to ask what and why.

Claims hes working and the money and hours dont balance, is he getting cash in hand and not saying anythng? If unfair not to at lease tell you if he is. 
Caught out on lies and still, even with proof lies.... time to start looking after your self and let him stew in his own juice. He'll make a mistake sooner of later


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## Sickofbeingliedto (May 1, 2013)

Pault:

Thank you for taking the time to respond!

In his case, he doesn't get -- or rarely ever gets -- work phone calls on his personal cell phone, so it's not like he's separating business and home lives. I'm serious when I say he won't even talk to his mom if the kids or I are around. I mean, who does that? If she calls, he will either call her back on his way to work at 6:00 a.m., on his way home from work, or make an excuse that he has to go to the gas station or something else to call her back. It just seems ridiculous to me. He's been able to use the phone in front of me before, so it's not like he has some sort of crazy phobia about talking on the phone in front of just me. 

I did try to access his e-mail account last night using the password recovery option. There is a question -- who is your favorite author? -- that I just don't know the answer to. Seriously, if he's read three books in 20 years, I would be surprised, and he's least likely of anyone to have a favorite author. He claims not to remember what answer he put when he set the account up. As I said, his story is he changed the password because he was "having a fit" because we were arguing about something. Again, who does this? I have had the same e-mail password for ten years, whether we're arguing, if the sun came out, if the kids got sick, et cetera. It just seems very childish and suspicious to me that out of nowhere he would "have" to change his e-mail password because of an argument. 

As for the money, he claims that he is not getting cash that he is hiding...but can he be believed is the problem? All I know is that in the last three years that he's said he is doing side work "to make extra money for the family," there has been an issue every.single.time of him not being where he's supposed to be, not being home when he's supposed to be, payment not adding up to the hours he's gone, and I've heard 100 excuses for why these things are "normal" and I'm crazy for thinking otherwise. When I work, I get paid, and everything matches. I don't understand how someone could have the issues he has over and over and over again if they were really doing what they were supposed to be doing. Nobody works for free, right?

I'm just trying to give some additional information here to support my reasons for asking so many questions of his behavior these days. Like someone else said, if it were one or two things, there might be reasonable explanations; but taken in totality, things just seem really, really off between his words and reality. To me, because I am hyper-honest, that sends up red flags. Then to compound that by pushing it off on me and trying to paint me as crazy is making things worse. 

In my world, if it walks, talks, looks like a duck, it's a duck. He's trying to convince me that that isn't so, it's really an elephant...and there has to be a reason for that. 

I am going to trust my gut on this one and assume that my suspicion that he is cheating probably has merit and will start digging and shoring up Plan B. I don't really have any other choice at this point, I don't think.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I am going to trust my gut on this one and assume that my suspicion that he is cheating probably has merit and will start digging and shoring up Plan B. I don't really have any other choice at this point, I don't think.


It could be cheating, it could be drugs... either selling or using.

It's good to follow your instincts, they are rarely if ever wrong. :smthumbup:


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Sickofbeingliedto said:


> Pault:
> 
> 
> In my world, if it walks, talks, looks like a duck, it's a duck. He's trying to convince me that that isn't so, it's really an elephant...and there has to be a reason for that.
> ...


I do not think you are being paranoid at all. Something is clearly amiss. It may not be something major, but your idea of getting to the bottom of it is a good one.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I am sorry but this is NOT paranoia.... and if it IS...your husband set you up for it in flying colors... every part of his behavior SCREAMS infidelity...


*1.* Claims he is doing side jobs -but when you call, he is NOWHERE TO BE FOUND... very convenient...claims he is driving around with friend.. OK -where ...for what? 

*2*. His checks don't match the hours he worked ....so he tells YOU he is working from X to X.... then you have seen with your own EYES his TIME card... or hours on a paystub...and they are less, not consistent? Not sure how detailed you are here....

*3*. Refusing to USE his cell phone in the house...so every conversation is concealed, PRIVATE...how very convenient...and if he gets a call, he will not answer it, lets it go to voice mail. 

I think I'd get his phone in the middle of the night while he sleeps and yeah... see what is happening... what about the Cell phone logs?

*4. *He recently changed his passwords -then claims he doesn't know what they are. No way! He is pandering. 

*5.* small lies, big lies. He has been confronted with black-and-white evidence in some cases and still lied, telling me I'm paranoid and out of line for suspecting anything. Once they start with 1 LIE... they can't be trusted.. yeah.. it's like "the little boy who cried Wolf"... him trying to throw this BACK ON YOU.... I don't think so... he is doing all he can to spin you into some paranoid web so he can continue on his lifestyle of ...well... whomever has entered it. 




> I am at the point where I can't live like this anymore. I don't trust him and feel that he has given me 99 reasons not to....he insists that I'm paranoid and reading too much into things and just want to fight.


 No, you don't want to fight, you want the TRUTH..and any wife deserves that much respect. 



> As an aside, I always take calls with him around, he has access to my email accounts, and I have never given him any reason not to trust me -- in other words, I am always where I say I am and am pretty much an open book.


 You have shown transparency...and it appears maybe he did at one time, and cut it off ...

What has happened in the marriage/ your emotional connection preceding his changing his password/ obvious lies built upon more lies? 

32 Emotional Signs That He's Cheating - iVillage



> 15 Warning Signs of a Cheater
> 
> If your significant other exhibits two or more of the following warning signs then there is a probability that he/she is engaging in an affair.
> 
> ...


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

You definitely need to do some investigative work.

So easy and inexpensive to velcro a VAR under his car seat and within a few days you'll have your answers.


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## Sickofbeingliedto (May 1, 2013)

SA:

Thank you so much for your awesome post and the cheaters list!

As for driving around days, he said they were out looking for more work. Didn't make any sense. Were they just driving around and hoping work would jump out and hit them? If the investor was looking for a house, that would make sense...but he could've called and said, "We're knocking off early to go check out a house at the lake and I will be late," without any issues. He never calls though; he gets "caught" when he is seen by someone else or I call and he's not where he's supposed to be. To make matters worse, one day in particular when he pulled this, he was supposed to be home watching the kids so I could work....but wasn't because he was out "looking for work" instead. So his actions are directly affecting my employment, which is another issue and why I'm getting frustrated. 

Yes, I have requested printouts of his hours from his side work -- he works with investors who have to document their hours for tax purposes -- and compared them to the money he brings home. There is no match. Often it is off by 10, 20 hours or more. His excuse then is that they were running around getting material or "something came up" and that is why the hours are off. Again, just seems fishy to me. A simple phone call on his end, if his story is true, especially after numerous instances of this argument, would put this all to rest...but he doesn't call, the incidents continue, and I'm paranoid and crazy for wanting to know what's really going on according to him. 

You are right: I don't WANT to fight, but I do want the truth. And maybe in trying to get there I am causing fights by asking questions every time something comes up. The alternative though is to not say anything when another incident comes up and he thinks it is okay or he got away with something. I just can't figure out where the middle ground is here if we're going to stay together. 

As for the phone, I have checked logs but haven't yet checked every recurring number -- there are a lot. Twice now, though, he has had a secondary phone that he uses -- one that he got on a friend's plan and one that was issued through work. I don't have access to those accounts, and if he was up to something, it would make sense that he would be using those. In that case -- if he was using the secondary phone for whatever he's doing -- then why be so sneaky with his personal phone on our account? There are just too many questions and too many things that don't add up or make sense to a reasonable person, I think. 

He has full access to my e-mail, my phone, my texts, has been through my Facebook account, my car. Yet when I exercised my right ONE time to look in his car after something just didn't feel right to me, I found a wad of cash and porn stashed in the back. Porn...after we hadn't had sex in months. 

I have nothing to hide, because, well, I have nothing to hide. And I suppose because I'm so transparent, and the agreement was we would both be transparent, that I have issues with him changing passwords and the like and then giving me stupid excuses for why he did so. I think he really believes I'm as stupid as he tries to paint me to be. Naive in some respects, but I'm not stupid. In denial? Perhaps. 

My mind is spinning as I try to make sense of things. I concede that at this point maybe I do act paranoid or suspicious, but I maintain that I have reason to....reasons he gave me. I am not a suspicious person by nature and generally take everyone at their word, until they give me reason not to. Part of my problem is I want to believe the best in everyone, that everyone operates from a place of integrity and truthfulness, and it appears that that isn't the case, always.


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## urnotme (Jun 1, 2012)

This is terrible what your going through. I am in the same situation. 

I took the advice of others here and went into investigative mode. I bought a voice activated recorder that looks like an ink pen. I purchased it online (had it shipped to a trusted friends house) and put it in the pocket of the back passenger seat (a place he would never look). The quality and clarity of the sound was amazing. 

I do not have to guess what his intentions are anymore. I am heartbroken and hurt, but at least I am not in CONSTANT turmoil everyday trying to figure out whats going on and whats wrong with my marriage.

Good luck to you and keep coming back here for support.


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## Sickofbeingliedto (May 1, 2013)

URNotMe:

Do you mind PM'ing me with the info and/or a link on the recorder you bought? I would almost have to go with something small and discrete rather than Velcro'ing a full-size recorder on the bottom of his seat. I hate to think that I have to do something so....sleazy at this point to get answers, but I don't know what else to do. Honesty would be so much easier. I have even told him, "If you want out, I will let you go and not fight you on a divorce." But I suppose cake-eating is a much better option...as long as you can get away with it. Makes me sick to my stomach.


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## urnotme (Jun 1, 2012)

Me too. I did feel a bit sleazy at first, like this behavior is what I have been reduced to. But knowing is half the battle. 

Just google "voice activated pen recorder" you will see a lot of options. I will message you with the one I purchased.


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## Sickofbeingliedto (May 1, 2013)

urnotme said:


> Me too. I did feel a bit sleazy at first, like this behavior is what I have been reduced to. But knowing is half the battle.
> 
> Just google "voice activated pen recorder" you will see a lot of options. I will message you with the one I purchased.


Thank you for the link! I have to run the dog to the vet but will order it when I get home. You're right, knowing is half the battle...and it's time I knew what was really going on! Wondering and speculating is driving me beyond crazy.


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## Sunshine Cadillac (Apr 30, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> You are being paranoid...
> 
> But there are probably some half-truths out there.
> 
> ...


I disagree, she is not at all, anyone can clearly see if he is hiding things not taking calls around her and changing passwords, and he's lied so yes of course she is going to have suspicion. I would get out, your not happy and its not doing you any good sticking around. I wouldnt be able to work on anything if my husband was being secretive and hiding EVERYTHING From me, specially if he was the one who has a HISTORY OF LYING. That in itself provides perfect reason for her to suspect something is going on. As for marrital problems? He is clearly the reason for the issues, if he had nothing to hid HE WOULDNT and he IS. Forget NOT spying and friggen SPY and I hope you get that pen and get the answers you need!! Good luck and I Hope that it all works out for you!


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## Spungo (Mar 15, 2013)

It doesn't sound like drugs since drug people talk like normal people and don't really need to hide what they are doing.
"Yeah I can come over in 30 minutes. See ya!"
Not using the phone probably means it's a woman. You would overhear a woman's voice. Saying he'll be there in 30 minutes would raise red flags. 

The other stuff would be anything. Riding around with his friend = having gay sex with his friend. Or he could be with a woman. Or he could just be skipping work to go bowling. I knew a guy who would stay home to play world of warcraft from time to time.

I don't know why someone would suddenly need to private password their computer. If I'm having an affair, why would I waste my time with some dumb crap like webcams? I would rather text than email. Sketchy things like profiles on dating sites would use my email account that nobody knows I have. I would visit the site in a private tab so there's no history or cache of that website.
My computer is password protected because I have things like banking information on it. I don't want people to see any of that. I also have a few nude pictures of myself (with no face) that I posted on the net a few times. Apparently I have a cute behind


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## OverTheShoulder (May 1, 2013)

It could be innocent. May not be. May be paranoia. 

I have nothing to hide, but I really don't want my wife going through my emails or facebook. There are things on there that OTHERs have messaged me that she shouldn't see. Has nothing to do with her, just things others trust me with.

Everyone deserves privacy, and sharing passwords is NOT a sign of trust. It feels like chains. A requirement. It builds resentment. A feeling of not being your own person. It's just as easy to make a new account if he wanted to hide something.

Now back to you. It all sounds fishy, but do not jump to conclusions. Sometimes it's good to value his privacy, but if he gets really defensive, then be curious.

It may just be him going out with friends to just get away for a few moments. Does this mean he is right leaving you in the dark? No, it's wrong, but still rather innocent. Him cheating is a whole different ball game; but again, don't jump to assumptions, because if you are wrong, he will remember it.

Sit down and maybe tell him if he is going out with friends that you would understand and that he doesn't have to hide it from you. That you’re worried. You’re not being pushy; you are showing your fear and willingness to understand. If he doesn’t react and denies…I don’t know. 

My two cents.


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## mikee (May 2, 2013)

samething happened to me last summer, my gut was right. She was having an emotional affair with another man! Just like your in your case her phone became a real big secret. What i did was finally checked our phone bill online, and found about 2000 messages to this guy in one month, while i was at work. It was tough to swallow, totally unexpected. I was not in good shape for a while, and still struggle. Before that however i asked god for answers, and damn about 5 mins later i got my answer, that is when i decided to check phone bill?

People who are cheating or hiding something sometimes get so caught up in the fun of it they forget to cover the simple things. I hope for your sake it isnt happening but, hate to say it if your gut is telling you he is being dishonest he probabably is. 

Comon he cant remember his passwords, i heard the same crap and actually think she changed them immediately after she gave them to me. It is a terrible feeling, i have been there, be ready to feel a traumatic loss if you do find something out, because it feels like the death something or someone your close to! 

The above 15 sgns i would say 12 of them i experienced, and supposedly all emotional, i have my doubts


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