# Could you have been a walk away wife?



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think I could have been, if I had married a different man than dh. I could totally see myself just being quiet and scared, biding my time until I could get a job and make enough money to break free.

How about you?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

1. Walk away wife: husband thinks everything is fine and dandy until the day he comes home to an empty house?

2. Walk away wife: confront/confide/discloses about her unhappiness and the dire need for instant change but by the time she speaks up she is well past being able to reconcile?

3. Walk away wife: try to improve the marriage and do the work to change herself so the marriage functions better but finds there is only so much one person can do to fix a relationship and without the other person also stepping up big time the relationship must end and so she prepares to leave?

YES to number 3!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Lol, AP. Number 3 for sure. 

Tbh, though, with a different man, the kind I think I am naturally attracted to, or definitely was when I was younger, I am not sure I would have made it past #1.

But it didn't happen, thank goodness!


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Not a chance. I am a problem solver.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> Not a chance. I am a problem solver.


Sometimes you can't solve the marriage problem because the person won't get help. When they become abusive- you leave... Problem solved.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Yes, I could, after doing all in #3. 

Thing is, even after doing all that work I'm sure he would still be blindsided and wonder "What happened?"


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> Yes, I could, after doing all in #3.
> 
> Thing is, even after doing all that work I'm sure he would still be blindsided and wonder "What happened?"


So what does "walk away wife" mean? Woman who initiates a divorce? Why not ask would you ever divorce, I wonder?


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> Yes, I could, after doing all in #3.
> 
> Thing is, even after doing all that work I'm sure he would still be blindsided and wonder "What happened?"


YES!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I was what could be called a WAW from my first marriage....yet after I walked and the dust settled, he told me he was happier without me.

Yet he never would have left me. He would have just been with me forever "on principle".

I regret not trying more things sooner to make it work...but even if I had, I still think we'd be divorced now.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> So what does "walk away wife" mean? Woman who initiates a divorce? Why not ask would you ever divorce, I wonder?


WAW=A term used by a man when he is totally blindsided by his wife leaving him.

When a male poster uses that term to describe their wife, I always wonder what the wife would say if she was here posting.

How many times did she say she was unhappy? How many times did she say that they needed to work on their marriage? Ask him to read this or that book and he didn't? Asked him to go to counseling and he wouldn't?

Then when she checks out and leaves, he wondering what happened?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I was what could be called a WAW from my first marriage....yet after I walked and the dust settled, he told me he was happier without me.
> 
> Yet he never would have left me. He would have just been with me forever "on principle".
> 
> I regret not trying more things sooner to make it work...but even if I had, I still think we'd be divorced now.


I think some marriages are not meant to last forever. And the problem comes in when people cannot accept that.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> WAW=A term used by a man when he is totally blindsided by his wife leaving him.
> 
> When a male poster uses that term to describe their wife, I always wonder what the wife would say if she was here posting.
> 
> *How many times did she say she was unhappy? How many times did she say that they needed to work on their marriage? Ask him to read this or that book and he didn't? Asked him to go to counseling?*


:iagree:


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

If he harmed me or my children, yes. I could walk away from a man who did that. Otherwise, no.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> I was what could be called a WAW from my first marriage....yet after I walked and the dust settled, he told me he was happier without me.
> 
> Yet he never would have left me. He would have just been with me forever "on principle".
> 
> I regret not trying more things sooner to make it work...but even if I had, I still think we'd be divorced now.


I too was a #3 after 16 years. It was the hardest decision I ever made (I/we have two children, and it is my biggest heartbreak to not live with them full time, we share 50/50 and live only minutes from each other).


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

I can envision scenarios where I would walk away, but my h would never be blindsided. I'm not exactly subtle when it comes to expressing dissatisfaction.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

jld said:


> I think I could have been, if I had married a different man than dh. I could totally see myself just being quiet and scared, biding my time until I could get a job and make enough money to break free.
> 
> How about you?


Never.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Anon Pink said:


> 1. Walk away wife: husband thinks everything is fine and dandy until the day he comes home to an empty house?
> 
> 2. Walk away wife: confront/confide/discloses about her unhappiness and the dire need for instant change but by the time she speaks up she is well past being able to reconcile?
> 
> ...


The only way I could see ME being a *#1 *is IF I missed the RED FLAGS while dating of a dangerous abuser, manipulator who tried to rule me with an Iron fist, marred him -learned after the fact... and I feared for my safety, someone I could not trust to fight fair...

I would never be *#2* if the man was "sound" and wasn't an abuser... I'm very forthcoming with how I feel and what I need for happiness..(and more than willing to do my part to see his side and please him too)....he would be well informed BEFORE I started to grow any form of resentment...as Always Alone said "I'm not exactly subtle when it comes to expressing dissatisfaction."....that's me too.

*#3*... I'd see this one more as a ..."You were warned time & time again to where this was headed...but you chose to stick your head in the sand...because I wasn't important enough... Here are the divorce papers Honey!"...

I would not stay in a miserable marriage where the man refused to meet me half way, thumbing his nose to an attitude of teamwork -seeking harmony because he Loved me...if I felt this was blown with the wind...or forced/ just room-mating because we have kids....Not working for me...I'd have to get out...there are certain things I NEED (emotional needs, physical needs)....I'm willing to give a good man the world...but not someone who doesn't care for it.. or feel it is worth fighting for.


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## owl6118 (Jan 30, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> WAW=A term used by a man when he is totally blindsided by his wife leaving him.
> 
> When a male poster uses that term to describe their wife, I always wonder what the wife would say if she was here posting.


Specifically in relation to infidelity, the term seems to have a subtly different spin, i.e., a wife who, after discovery of the affair, shows no real regret or interest in reconciliation, and instead seems relieved and eager to get on with leaving. She no longer loves her husband and just wants out.

In some of these cases, the husband may actually have realized something was wrong and have been trying very hard to reconnect, though he might still be blindsided by the affair.

Ends up the same place, I suppose, and certainly the wife will have a completely different narrative and perspective. 

But some of these guys weren't clueless, they were sincerely trying, but they woke up too late. They were already in an unwinnable competition with the exit affair partner.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I was #3 with husband #1. I don't consider that a waw; I consider that leaving a man that treated me poorly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I only pushed my husband away for 18 years or so.

I'm glad he didn't leave.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Sadly...very sadly....I have to answer this with ...yes. I almost walked away from my wonderful husband....I almost left the one thing I always wanted....it was the lowest moment of my life and one that I will forever have to live with. I almost destroyed a perfectly good man...because I was selfish. I wish I could answer this question differently. I am so very sorry.


As I just posted, I would have done the same thing if I thought it would have "worked" somehow.

I wonder how many of us are this way?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I was a walk away wife. I left my first husband and promptly divorced him. I took nothing except the things I owned before him and my car. The last year we were together he described us as blissfully happy and at peace "finally". 
I had to explain to him this peace came because I stopped trying to make him listen and stopped trying to get my needs met. He was so shocked when I said I was leaving and that I had enough of being pushed to the side. 

With my DH,I could never imagine being a walk away wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

soccermom2three said:


> Yes, I could, after doing all in #3.
> 
> Thing is, even after doing all that work I'm sure he would still be blindsided and wonder "What happened?"


My x left on the #2 in my opinion, but she would probably say #3. 

The issue with her was that she was too passive about her wants. Men and women can often be so different with what they need. I guess I'm the type who doesn't think every day of my life is going to be joyous. Maybe that's an older view, but that's me; therefore, I don't view all my little grips as a major issue, and I guess I didn't assume others did either.

Silly example, but If a person wants a house built from White Pine, and once the house is completed and everyone has moved in, you discover it was built with Southern Yellow Pine, what are you going to do, doze it down and start over, or realize it's not that big of a deal and go on.

My x apparently didn't like the pine in our relationship, but she never raised the roof, she just went on with some verbalizing here and there until she apparently couldn't take it anymore, and I didn't understand what the big deal was.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

southbound said:


> My x left on the #2 in my opinion, but she would probably say #3.
> 
> The issue with her was that she was too passive about her wants. Men and women can often be so different with what they need. I guess I'm the type who doesn't think every day of my life is going to be joyous. Maybe that's an older view, but that's me; therefore, I don't view all my little grips as a major issue, and I guess I didn't assume others did either.
> 
> ...


Wow. That's very close to my own story Southbound...

My x was even more secretive in terms of her wants and needs. On the scale above she was a 1, maybe a 1.5 tops... In spite of both having successful careers and being quite assertive out there, we were both major conflict avoiders in our relationship, i realized this by now and upgraded myself to a validator 

I thought we had everything... people said we were the perfect couple. So yes, i was blindsided by her decision to leave. My attempts to get us back on track, IC, MC, were left unheeded.

So i did some serious introspection... and realized that we were both like rookies relationship wise. My parents were fine loving people, but their example alone didnt suffice.

I learned a great deal since then.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How a marriage dissolves depends on the characters and circumstances. A woman who is afraid of her husband may not dare to speak openly until the very end. A man who is insensitive may ignore all but the sight of his stbx packing a suitcase. WAW is almost too broad a term.

The most hurtful WAW I can imagine is one who cheats and refuses to reconcile out of pride. When a WAW has to temporarily surrender by admitting to a major moral failing, it means doing a lot of hard work to restore themselves not just in the eyes of their spouse but internally. It's not easy. Walking away is easy. The consequences may be good, bad or mixed.

Road Scholar's thread is very interesting. His wife cheated and after she was busted they were in false R for 5 months, during which their marriage was sexless. Finally, when she saw in his eyes that he was on his way out the door, she resumed having sex with him. Does she feel as excited having sex with him as with AP? He is not certain. In some sense she was a WAW living at home. His threat to divorce forced her hand.

Southbound's white vesus yellow pine analogy is interesting because it concentrates on the relationship while the WAW probably sees the failings in terms of the husband. She has finally understood who he is and she does not believe he could ever meet her needs. If communicating better or showing more non-sexual physical affection were issues that created discontent, sometimes even fixing them gets the couple nowhere. She has already lost attraction to him and has written him off.

The husbands of WAW sometimes fantasize that they can rip off their everyday costume to reveal they are in face a super hero and a great catch. Unfortunately, when some stand in their undies before the mirror, they should see that they they need to lose weight, but also stand straighter and look themselves and everyone else in the eye. But re-making oneself is a major project. That is why IC is important.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think if you want to avoid having a WAW, you have to learn to meet her deepest needs.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Jld,

That may not be doable. Men and women want a lot of things. Marriage is about stability and commitment. Both men and women have an appetite for romantic excitement and sexual novelty. It may be possible to date one's wife and meet some of that need. But some people want more. They want the thrill of chase, seduction and erotic adventure.

Sometimes a woman is more intelligent than her husband and his IQ cannot rise. So, there is no way he can meet her need for smarter conversationalist.

A member of my sports club is the image of the right guy. He is about 6'4". Has a perfect chiselled body. He has a winning smile. He is an IT consultant and makes an okay living. He is kind. Comes from a good family. But he is a nice guy. He does not have a killer instinct. Our sport is very physical and he is pretty good at it. However, with his size and strength he could be significantly better. What he lacks is the desire to crush the opponent without mercy. He is a nice guy.

A couple of years ago he married a very attractive career woman in marketing, actually of a product in male cosmetics if I remember correctly. She came from a wealthy family that owned a car dealership. Car sales = ruthless business, IMO. 

He was never the hard azz she desired. Their marriage only lasted a year. He could not meet her needs.

How did he fail? I remember around the time he got married he felt compelled to buy an expensive sports car from his in-laws. He talked about it. He was already driving one of the brand. With TAM insight, had he asked for advice, I would have told him to buy the car that he wanted, not to give into the pressure of being a consumer sheep.

He was forced to sell the car back to his in-laws. It was probably bought with financing. Post D he bought a motorcycle to cheer himself up and up his sex ranking.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> WAW=A term used by a man when he is totally blindsided by his wife leaving him.
> 
> *When a male poster uses that term to describe their wife, I always wonder what the wife would say if she was here posting.*
> 
> ...


I suppose the wife might say that, had it not been for his cheating, his lying, his anger issues, his control issues and the hurt he caused with no ability to empathize with the damage he caused nor any willingness to repair the damage and be accountable - then yes I was simply a WAW in his eyes. 

I believe my EX presents himself as a "victim" of a WAW. But that's okay. Anyone who knows him or gets to know him will discover just who and what he is, and he is no longer my problem - so I feel no need whatsoever to correct any misunderstanding as to what really happened.

WAW...indeed.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

LW, it sounds like there was not transparency in that marriage. Transparency is so helpful. I do not advise anything else before marriage, and only rarely, and temporarily, after (say, a woman fears her husband will beat her or even kill her if he finds out she has done a particular thing--until she can file, she must hide the thing from him until she is safely away from him).

The pairing has to be equal. I could not be with a man less intelligent than myself, or less committed. We just would not fit, or be satisfied long term.

Ideally, the man could carry the marriage. But many men cannot, and some women are willing to carry the load. And some are happy with 50/50.

I do believe that long term happy marriages are ones in which the deepest needs are being met. I do not know much about "sex ranking."

And I would be cautious with people who are concerned about image.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I think most husbands are blindsided because the wives go quiet. After a while they give up and start checking out. The wives probably don't even know they're doing it. It might take years then some event occurs like an illness, significant birthday or a death of a parent and this triggers the thoughts of "Why am I staying in this marriage?"

While this checking out is occurring she's not talking about the relationship and the husband thinks, "Everything is fine she's not bugging me about the marriage." When she states she wants a divorce, he's shocked. 

I think if the husband really looked back they would find the point when their wife stopped talking and trying. It's not always going to be in the recent past, it might be years ago.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm sure my ex sees me as a WAW. But I talked about leaving and things not working between us, his temper, etc. many times. After a major revelation I was very frank and told him I was falling out of love because there's only so much criticism and negativity a person could take and asked for MC (he declined). I reminded him on many occasions and cited examples of how I'd like him to handle the criticism, yelling, abuse... no improvement. So finally I knew I needed to end it. I spoke with an attorney, chickened out for another year, went back to her again for an updated consultation.

Two weeks before I actually left he complained that I wouldn't have sex before work (I would be late) and that there were plenty of women who'd be happy to have sex with him... I'd had it. I told him to go get one of those women, we were over. (Mind you we had sex 3-5 times a week - more than I wanted but the argument wasn't worth turning him down.)

He tried to woo me back for a few days and found out I'd seen an attorney a year before and flipped. 

I'm sure he'd say I was a WAW because I left very suddenly but the reality is I'd been asking for changes for years. I'd pleaded he get help, he not use demeaning language during arguments... nothing. Finally I realized nothing was going to change. He said I should have sat down at the table and talked to him. I'd been talking to deaf ears for years. 

So finally I walked.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> WAW=A term used by a man when he is totally blindsided by his wife leaving him.
> 
> When a male poster uses that term to describe their wife, I always wonder what the wife would say if she was here posting.
> 
> ...


This is what happened with me. To a T. I was told that things werent that bad, then was met with shock when I "blindsided" that I was done and leaving. And when I say done, I mean DONE!!


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

I'm a proud WAW.

I told my ex for years that I was terribly unhappy and things needed to change.

He kept telling me that the issues were mine and I needed to fix them.

So I did...I divorced him and found a far superior partner.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

magnoliagal said:


> I only pushed my husband away for 18 years or so.
> 
> I'm glad he didn't leave.


What woke you up?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Nikita2270 said:


> I'm a proud WAW.
> 
> I told my ex for years that I was terribly unhappy and things needed to change.
> 
> ...


Good for you, Nikita.


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## dream_weaver (Jun 5, 2012)

After 20 years I was a WAW, husband was a gambler and I knew he would/could never change….I got all our debts paid off then left. Best thing I EVER did! Saying that it wasn't without me saying my concerns to him often and his promise to change, I came to the conclusion he never would and wanted to get out while I was relatively young enough (40) to meet someone else which I have and he is the man of my dreams :smthumbup:


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I would have thought the most normal situation was the WAW thinks she is #3 and the husband thinks it's #1.

Not gender specific by the way. I have known more than one walk away husband. In some cases they just grew apart. In a couple of cases the wife had cheated, they had reconciled, but the marriage was weakened and the husband eventually moved on.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> So why did you come back here?


Do you mean come back to TAM?

I actually am a newer member. And I'm here because I like reading and commenting on the posts.

I see a lot of commonality between some of the difficulties people have here and the ones I had in marriage.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

dream_weaver said:


> After 20 years I was a WAW, husband was a gambler and I knew he would/could never change….I got all our debts paid off then left. Best thing I EVER did! Saying that it wasn't without me saying my concerns to him often and his promise to change, I came to the conclusion he never would and wanted to get out while I was relatively young enough (40) to meet someone else which I have and he is the man of my dreams :smthumbup:


Personal transformation is possible. But, it simply must come from within. A partner pointing out where change is needed is likely the least effective method of getting what you want.


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