# My wife fell out of love and wants a divorce



## schumi (Jan 10, 2010)

We have been married for 15 years and I as well as others felt that we would be the last couple on earth to have this happen. Some backround, my wife is a family oriented person and always wanted a family....over teh years we had a hard time having kids but it finally worked and now we have a 5 year old son. In our marrige as any couple goes through we have our ups and downs but we get over it, my wife however never lets go. She hates my aprents and always wanted em to defend her from them and I tried to avoid it so as to not have confrontation.5 Years ago serious issues hit us all in a metter of months, first we were blessed with the pregancy, but then my wife insisted w e buy a new bigger home and then buisness issues came inot play legally which is when I said that we should wait and she did not agree so we moved on. In a six week operiod, we gave birth to our son, her father passed away and we had to move in our new home. My legal problems with work over the last 5 yeasr has definelty put a damper on my behaviour and she felt I neglected her over the years as she put it, put her on a shelf and forgot about her. Jan 2009 she lost her job and started to go in to a little depression and said that she felt her life was going nowehere and as teh summer came she started losing weight and exercising. We went on vacation in end of august and had the time of our life and end of december she started a new job as a flight attentdent and she says that it has changed her life and I think that was the catalyst to her decison. She said to me that she does not love me anymore and iut is no point ion councelling. Yes I had some issues and neglected her a little but if I had thought it would have led to this I would have done anything to save my marrige. I love her and always did. I have repeatly asked her over teh last couple of weeks to try to wokr it out aqnd she says things wont chnage becuase she doesnt love me and doesnt trust me which that as well is perplexing. I asked if there is someone else and she has confirmed tehr isn't. But she said that she should have had an affair so that it would make it easier for me to let go. She said that I should come to terms with it and move on. We still live in the same house and I dont know what to do. The last few days i confronted her and told her that I will respect her decision and she was less garded andmore releived. She says she felt free from my family and there issues.( Iwas expecting that she was happy to be free from me. The whole family beleives she is making a big mistake but she runs with he notion that she rarely regrets her decision. Up unitll 2 weeks ago she mentioned to a close freind that she is 75% sure her mind is made up. I guess I made things worse since then because I kept trying to get to try to work it out and seek couselling. I am devestated and dont know what to do. Should I giuve up or is there a chance she might change her might. Is she going through an internal crsis..I dont know..If anyone has had simialr experinece it would be great to hear it...


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Your situation seems similar to mine... I feel for you.. 
These might help:

Surviving Your Spouse's Midlife Crisis - Midlife Crisis

How To Respond To Your Spouse’s Midlife Crisis - Midlife Crisis

Midlife Crisis - Taking Care Of Yourself During Your Spouse’s Midlife Crisis


Come and post here to vent - trust me it helps...


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Sounds like she has pretty much made up her mind. In your case sounds like your wife still has a little doubt - maybe you can get her to go see a counselor alone. Sounds like she is also still talking which is a positive sign.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Welcome to the board schumi. You have covered a lot of ground in your post. I am sorry to learn of your family's separation. I am sure that it will be most difficult on your 5 year old child the most. Family separation and divorce is a very stressful thing on a young child as well as a husband and wife. It is interesting that your wife is not interesting in counseling at this time, but nothing that is strange or out of the way. Many of us here have experienced the same thing.

These issues with your wife seems to have been building for quite some time. It would seem that one of the major issues is how you have left her to fend for herself when it came to your parents. You are an adult and you and your wife became one when you were married. Although you have a love for your parents, at this point in your life, your love for your wife should have gone deeper. More than likely, she felt alone and casted out when she was in the presence of your parents. I am sure that hurtful things were said that she had a problem in letting go. The reason why she had a problem in letting some of these things go was because they were a continuing issue. There was never any resolve.

I would think that most of us within this online community would agree when it comes to in-laws causing marital problems, but what matters is how we deal with them with our spouse. In-laws are always going to vent an opinion... no matter how right, wrong, joyous, or hurtful that it can be. We as adults... as husbands and wives need to stay by our mate.

In time, she may consider counseling, but that is going to also depend on you and how you are with her during these critical days. All may not be lost, but you have to give her time to step away from this situation and see what she needs to do to get herself back into the game. This also presents a wonderful opportunity for you to take a look at yourself and make changes. Hopefully these changes will be for the better. The both of you are going to have to find a middle ground if you truly want to save your marriage. Remember... marriage is also about compromise.

As for your legal issues, financial woes, and her having to deal with the loss of her father... these seem to be unresolved matters that the two of you are dealing with. You should work to find closure on these topics as best that you can. Everyone is having financial difficulty. The economy has hit everyone over the head pretty hard. People were losing the jobs by the thousands and home mortgages fell right through the floor. I don't think that anyone here needs a lesson on the economic bubble the burst in 2008 and 2009. The question is... how are we dealing with it? Now would be the time to get even closer to our spouse and loved ones. Now would be the time to come together and work with a united presence.

If your wife is saying that she is 75% sure that it is over, then you still have 25% left in your favor. My suggestion would be for you to build off of that quarter percentage that you have. Give her the attention that she needs. Compliment her... defend her... let her know that when she is hurting, you are hurting. Make it clear to her that you are there for her like she would be for you. Marriage is a continuing work in progress.

Consider the alternative. I hope the very best for the both of you and for you young child. Keep us posted.


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## danl (Nov 14, 2009)

Sounds exactly like what my wife is going threw, MIDLIFE CRISIS. Nothing u can do, Im done begging and crying, divorce is on the way for me too after 16 years of what I thought was a great marriage, and 21 yrs together. Best of luck to u, I really feel your pain. Check out this site, lots of good people here to help u threw this.

LiveCloud


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## mavs20 (Jul 12, 2010)

schumi said:


> We have been married for 15 years and I as well as others felt that we would be the last couple on earth to have this happen. Some backround, my wife is a family oriented person and always wanted a family....over teh years we had a hard time having kids but it finally worked and now we have a 5 year old son. In our marrige as any couple goes through we have our ups and downs but we get over it, my wife however never lets go. She hates my aprents and always wanted em to defend her from them and I tried to avoid it so as to not have confrontation.5 Years ago serious issues hit us all in a metter of months, first we were blessed with the pregancy, but then my wife insisted w e buy a new bigger home and then buisness issues came inot play legally which is when I said that we should wait and she did not agree so we moved on. In a six week operiod, we gave birth to our son, her father passed away and we had to move in our new home. My legal problems with work over the last 5 yeasr has definelty put a damper on my behaviour and she felt I neglected her over the years as she put it, put her on a shelf and forgot about her. Jan 2009 she lost her job and started to go in to a little depression and said that she felt her life was going nowehere and as teh summer came she started losing weight and exercising. We went on vacation in end of august and had the time of our life and end of december she started a new job as a flight attentdent and she says that it has changed her life and I think that was the catalyst to her decison. She said to me that she does not love me anymore and iut is no point ion councelling. Yes I had some issues and neglected her a little but if I had thought it would have led to this I would have done anything to save my marrige. I love her and always did. I have repeatly asked her over teh last couple of weeks to try to wokr it out aqnd she says things wont chnage becuase she doesnt love me and doesnt trust me which that as well is perplexing. I asked if there is someone else and she has confirmed tehr isn't. But she said that she should have had an affair so that it would make it easier for me to let go. She said that I should come to terms with it and move on. We still live in the same house and I dont know what to do. The last few days i confronted her and told her that I will respect her decision and she was less garded andmore releived. She says she felt free from my family and there issues.( Iwas expecting that she was happy to be free from me. The whole family beleives she is making a big mistake but she runs with he notion that she rarely regrets her decision. Up unitll 2 weeks ago she mentioned to a close freind that she is 75% sure her mind is made up. I guess I made things worse since then because I kept trying to get to try to work it out and seek couselling. I am devestated and dont know what to do. Should I giuve up or is there a chance she might change her might. Is she going through an internal crsis..I dont know..If anyone has had simialr experinece it would be great to hear it...


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## mavs20 (Jul 12, 2010)

Hi Mate...how are you? i seem to be going through the same problem. To be honest it is my fault..there is no one else involved...but over the past few years we have been financially ruined by my bad business decisions!! I always thought i could make a qiuck buck as they say. I have dragged my wife to hell and back with my bad career desions..lost houses...cars...money. You name ive blew it all. However we are nearly on the straight and narrow after going bankrupt 18 months ago and losing our house....again all my fault, over the last 6/12 months i have forgotten all about my wife...and what she means to me... i love her dearly, christ what a fool i have been to let her slip away from me. She has told me straight that i had turned into an aggresive man,never hit her or anything? just aggressive in my outlook on life... so right as i got lost and embroiled in trying to make ends meet. No excuses.. though, shes slipped away from me..and it hurts so much. she has told me that she will always love me...and still does, but she is not IN LOVE me, does not want to be around me at the moment. An awful break has developed...albeit i am on the couch, as financially cannot afford to go no where? I have to believe there is light at this awful tunnel...as i have known this lady 25 years...and i know she is capable of loving....but i foolishly have bled this from her.... i know what you are going through my friend...and i wish you all the luck and goodwill in the world..love is a strong bond...and i pray and hope we both come out of this awful mess with our wives by our side. neil UK.


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