# Cant compete with Husbands friends



## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

Hi 

I'm looking for some advice as I dont know how to handle this issue anymore and Im just worried it will be this way for life.

Husband and I have been together for 14 years - living together for 7. We both work full time. We have no family yet (been trying for nearly a year).

My husband has four friends he's close too, one is divorced three are engaged. They get together and play sports or have nights out, only occasionally the women are invited. They see each other a couple of nights a week but sometimes its more. 

My husband has just recently agreed with me that things go okay for a while (meaning he spends a fair amount of time with them) and then a few times a year weeks go by when they are out a few weeknights and every weekend together.
I dont mind so much when the nights are planned in advanced but its when its a spur of the moment thing and that our plans are pushed aside (not that they were that interesting) that annoys me.

My husband thinks he's doing a nice thing asking me ' is it ok if I go out to......'. This riles me even more because obviously if he's asking me (with his usual big grin, or arms around me) that he wants to go. I always told him do what makes you happy (so off he goes).....so I guess I'm feeling a little rejected. I know he thinks he's considering my feelings by asking me if he can go out but by doing this I will feel like the bad guy if I say 'no' and I'll probably also feel like his Mother.

Usually we end up arguing about this kind of thing a few times a year..........same issue that never really gets resolved. Im just worried this is how its always going to be.

My husband I are different in the way he has more close freinds than me, so he's always got offers on the go. I quite like having me time but not too much of it. So trying to tackle the issue - last year I joined my local gym so that I have somewhere to go and get off my husbands back. The gym thing is going well but I still feel like its a fight to get husbands time. The other weekend he was going out out with his friends on the Saturday so I thought fine I'll get time with you on Sunday. They drank from mid afternoon to late that evening, he came in really drunk and was in no fit state on the Sunday to do anything.

Every now and then I make the comment that him and his friends will never grow up - he just laughs and says 'yeah ano'

I guess when it comes down to it I want my husband to _want_ to spend time with me rather than _he has to_. I dont think I'll ever be as fun as his friends or be able to offer him what they do. I'm just the pain in the ass he has to come home to. I've made a point of stopping nagging him since last year but I this just make things easier for him and harder for me coz I'm not speaking my mind anymore....It didnt make a difference before anyway.

I do love my husband but just want to get over this hurdle that keeps appearing and Im worried it will never get better even if we did have kids.

What do I say to him or what do I do or stop doing?

On the upside I seem to be good at cleaning and sex


----------



## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Don't make the mistake I made, SCHEDULE at least 2 date nights a month, give him a couple of guys nights, and you need to find some friends/outlets for yourself a couple of nights a month MINIMUM. I understand being jealous cause he's basically getting to do what you want to do. some time away from each other is perfectly healthy for the relationship actually, but only if your both getting equal time away. right now its one sided, you need to fix your side.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Holy happy hour! You are going to have to put on your big girl panties and be open about how you feel. You don't begrudge him spending time with friends, you do feel hurt and excluded that *he doesn't make the same or better effort for you.*

Thats the part that has to change and it won't change unless you spell it out for him. What did he think marriage was for? You have been his maid and his bed mate, but not his wife, not the love of his life. If he keeps this up, you will stop loving him. He is doing nothing to feed the love.


----------



## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Holy happy hour! You are going to have to put on your big girl panties and be open about how you feel. You don't begrudge him spending time with friends, you do feel hurt and excluded that *he doesn't make the same or better effort for you.*
> 
> Thats the part that has to change and it won't change unless you spell it out for him. What did he think marriage was for? You have been his maid and his bed mate, but not his wife, not the love of his life. If he keeps this up, you will stop loving him. He is doing nothing to feed the love.


Yeah....This ^^^

If I had something to add I would. Tell him what your heart wants...


----------



## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

somehow you have to tell him that this is not working for you. it's working great for him, but not for you. it sounds like you've told him before but he begrudges you and flips it around like you're the one with the problem. no - you don't have a problem and it's not even about you having fewer friends than him. 

weekends are sacred time. fridays and saturdays are more special than the rest of the week. the fact that he chooses to spend time with his friends and leave you home alone, or home to find your own entertainment, is just plain wrong. even if you had dozens of friends, they are probably with their husbands on the weekend. single people may be free on the weekends but not married people. 

he is doing this to excess and it is not fair at all to you. you are sad because he should want to spend time with you and you shouldn't have to ask him to spend time with you. tell him how said that makes you. you thought you were the love of his life but obviously he has much more fun with his friends. he has his cake and eats it too with you. fun on the weekends with his friends - drinking and partying into sunday AND a clean house and a great sex life. things couldn't be better for him. tell him you want more. this isn't cutting it for you. and although you don't have to give him an ultimatum - his friends or you, tell him you want 3 out of 4 weekends a month with him.

If he can't find it in his heart to enjoy and want to spend time with you and all you are is a maid and sex partner, you need to consider if you want to be with a guy who you play second fiddle to. shame on him.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> My husband has four friends he's close too, one is divorced three are engaged. They get together and play sports or have nights out, only occasionally the women are invited. They see each other a couple of nights a week but sometimes its more.
> 
> My husband has just recently agreed with me that things go okay for a while (meaning he spends a fair amount of time with them) and then a few times a year weeks go by when they are out a few weeknights and every weekend together.


We all need to spend time with our friends _occasionally_, but it sounds to me like your H has the 'freedom' of a single man... Quite rightly, you're not happy with it so you need to tell him that you don't find his behaviour acceptable.


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Holy happy hour! You are going to have to put on your big girl panties and be open about how you feel. You don't begrudge him spending time with friends, you do feel hurt and excluded that *he doesn't make the same or better effort for you.*
> 
> Thats the part that has to change and it won't change unless you spell it out for him. What did he think marriage was for? You have been his maid and his bed mate, but not his wife, not the love of his life. If he keeps this up, you will stop loving him. He is doing nothing to feed the love.


I agree with this too. One night a month for a married person to spend with friends, and not the spouse, is more than enough.

Sounds like hubby has other issues too. He came home so drunk he couldn't do anything the next day. How did he get home? Is he driving while that drunk? Does he drink everytime he is with his buddies? Sounds to me as if he may have a drinking problem and that is the real reason for buddy night. When people have an addiction, it take precidence over everything, and everyone.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Living separate lives is a preliminary step to divorce. He needs to find a way to integrate you into his social life.


----------



## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

Thumper said:


> Don't make the mistake I made, SCHEDULE at least 2 date nights a month, give him a couple of guys nights, and you need to find some friends/outlets for yourself a couple of nights a month MINIMUM. I understand being jealous cause he's basically getting to do what you want to do. some time away from each other is perfectly healthy for the relationship actually, but only if your both getting equal time away. right now its one sided, you need to fix your side.


We have tried the date night thing but it didnt really stick. 

Im not jealous of what he has with his friends. I say they are close but to be honest I talk think they really talk to each other about serious stuff. Its just sports, drink and reminiscing about previous nights out. 
Like I say I dont mind some me time but would just like more us time.


----------



## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

IsGirl3 - I agree with everything you say.

We have had many sit down talks about this. He doesnt see the problem. I'm doing my best to work through this but its hard. He does make me feel guilty about trying to sort this but like you said he's having his cake an eating it so whats to sort in his head!

Im so scared, I love him and he loves me but he loves his friends just as much. Im really not trying to get him to stop seeing his friends but he's making think what I'm feeling is wrong. I'm hurting and I'm not sure if its because im being so selfish to feel this way or if its because because time and time again we've been here and the issue keeps coming back.
I dont want to be full of resentment or hold him back from what he wants to do. I want to have that relationship where the husband and wife are best friends but looks like that will never be.

We dont have a family yet but I'm so worried things wouldnt change. I honestly dont see the guys going anywhere.


----------



## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

JustHer said:


> Sounds like hubby has other issues too. He came home so drunk he couldn't do anything the next day. How did he get home? Is he driving while that drunk? Does he drink everytime he is with his buddies? Sounds to me as if he may have a drinking problem and that is the real reason for buddy night. When people have an addiction, it take precidence over everything, and everyone.


To be fair yes they do have their drinking nights but he doesnt usually get totally blittzed like he did the other night. Someone sober drove him back. 
His friends are all really nice on a one to one basis but its when they get together they just forget everybody else. Sometimes they'll come round to our house for a few hours of drinking before heading off elsewhere. A couple of the guys totally ignore me and make me feel unwanted/uncomfortable in my own home. Its not a nice feeling. I walk in to say hello and like converstaion just stops. They dont often come to our house now but I think its coz I pointed that out to my husband and he said he notices that. I also found out through one of their fiancees that one of the guys said 'lets have a night out but no girls allowed'


----------



## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

KI0159 said:


> I dont want to be full of resentment or hold him back from what he wants to do. I want to have that relationship where the husband and wife are best friends but looks like that will never be.
> 
> We dont have a family yet but I'm so worried things wouldnt change. I honestly dont see the guys going anywhere.


I hear how much you love him. You love him so much that it's killing you for feeling this way. And you are here questioning whether you even have a right to feel this way because he so successfully makes you feel like sh!t when you bring this painful situation up.

This is not true love - for his part anyway. When you love someone, you don't do something that you know makes them feel bad, or left out, or left alone. Even though he thinks you are completely wrong here and it's perfectly normal for a married guy to spend more free time with his friends than his spouse, he should make time for you because it is important to you.

Sometimes I wonder if I throw the D word around here to quickly, and I'm not saying to throw that on the table right now to show how detrimental this is to your marriage, but I definitely do not think you should have kids with this guy until he can show that he's a family man, starting with you. If his friends are more fun that you now, they'll be even more fun when it's even less fun at home with whining and crying and feeding, diapers, sleepless nights.

Your biggest problem right now is having the conviction that what you feel is right. You are so unsure if you even have a right to feel this way, that when you speak to him about this, it might sound wishy-washy, or he undermines you and your feelings and puts you in your place. You need to find it within yourself to either speak to him firmly and don't back down - you're fighting for your marriage here, or at least your place in the marriage. Or pour your heart and soul out in a letter.

If he doesn't hear you, then I promise you - your resentment will grow and grow and grow and you will walk around with a constant knot in your stomach. You will become someone you don't even like because you will spend so much time dwelling on this situation, which is not a minor one. You're not just second in line here, you are 4th or 5th in line. Every single one of his friends - however many there are - are more important than you right now.

This has got to change and it has nothing to do with you finding your own ways to entertain yourself on the weekends. He friends aren't going to keep him warm at night and clean for him, if you decide that 5th best isn't good enough anymore.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

He's living the single life. Your husband shows no respect for you.

I would be keeping an eye on him to make sure he doesn't stray from the marriage. People who live the single life tend to cheat.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

KI0159 said:


> My husband thinks he's doing a nice thing asking me ' is it ok if I go out to......'. This riles me even more because obviously if he's asking me (with his usual big grin, or arms around me) that he wants to go. I always told him do what makes you happy (so off he goes).....so I guess I'm feeling a little rejected. I know he thinks he's considering my feelings by asking me if he can go out but by doing this I will feel like the bad guy if I say 'no' and I'll probably also feel like his Mother.


First off stop being passive aggressive and just tell him when you don't want him going out or when you want to go with him. Giving him permission and then feeling rejected doesn't help anything. And being honest and open about your needs, preferences, boundaries, etc does not make you the bad guy.


----------



## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I agree with Thundarr. Stop telling him it's OK (because you don't want to be the bad guy), when it's not OK. Next time when he gives you a hug and a grin and asks if he can go out, say that you'd rather he spend this time with you. And if he sits around the house moping because he'd be having a better time without you and with his friends, then do something. you said that date nights haven't worked out for you. why? go to the movies. go to a local bar. find a bar with a live band. what did you do when you were dating? he might be getting such a high with his friends, that doing something with 1 person will be mundane in comparison. you will never be able to compete with the fun-ness of his friends. Hopefully you can re-discover each other, or he can re-discover you and get back to basics and why you got married in the first place. you did not get married to live the single life. you chose marriage because it offered you something to complete yourself. being left by yourself several nights a week while your husband is out having the time of his life with his other pathetic friends who are abandoning their girlfriends/spouses is not what marriage is all about. it's what the single life is all about. he's got some growing up to do and responsibility to take with the marriage vows he made.

If, after a while, he continues not to care how you feel, you have to decide if you want to stay married to this guy. that's how serious I think this issue is.


----------



## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I think that it is really sad that you are going through this. 

I believe that his asking for permission is well, childish. It puts you in the mother role. I would stop him from asking permission. One can always say, "Hey the guys want to hang out. Do you mind if I go for a bit?" rather then asking if they CAN go. Ask him why he asks for your permission. you might find out something about his way of thinking that he is not saying. 

It is best to keep your self with your own life but it might be wise to talk about life if you have kids and what you expect of him and what he expects of you. There is no way you can bring children into a marriage when the husband acts like an unattached collage student with his friends. It can create understanding between the two of you and get you on the same page for a future.

As for how his friends treat you....I think that says a lot about your husband. If he lets them ignore you when they are in your own home that is crap. seems to me that none of them are allowing the seasons of their lives to happen (esp. the one who gets all elementary aged with the no girls allowed comment)

you need to keep certain times with your husband as yours. If you want to have dinner together every night of the week then make him stick to that even if his friends are calling him to come out and play. If you want Sundays to be couple time then stick to that. Even if he has a hangover from the night before. He makes that choice and has a commitment to you that he needs to keep.

Another thought that might help with the friends issue. Have a BBQ or something once a month at your house that includes everyone's better half as well. Usually when some one is invited in and treated well they start to see that they are accepted and become more accepting them selves. Either way it makes them welcome and you apart of the circle even if it is in the outer ring.

This is just my thoughts but I do hope that you find something to mend the issue. It is very clear that you love him and want to make him happy but there is nothing wrong with getting your needs and wants met to make you happy too. Good luck. Hope my two cents helps you in some way.


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

KI0159 said:


> He doesnt see the problem.


He won't until you impose consequences.


----------

