# Boundaries, expectations, and ultimatums



## drakeness (Jan 24, 2017)

I need some clarification on boundaries, expectations, and ultimatums. I want to set a clear boundary, but I don’t want it to become an ultimatum.

The situations: My husband and I are both employed full time at the same company. For him, it’s the company he wanted to work at since he was a young boy. He gets frustrated with his job, but for him, it’s working. I, on the other hand, am miserable at work. Bone crushing, mind-meltingly miserable and have been for several years. I have tried changing my jobs inside the company, furthering my education, and multiple coping skills through years of therapy. I plan on leaving the company sometime this year once I am done with a new professional certificate that I working on.

To describe my misery, I am recovering from an eating disorder and I am so unhappy I can’t bring myself to eat at work (clearly, a step backwards). I spend 20 minutes in my car each morning giving myself a pep talk to even go into the office. I cry in my car at the end of the day. I struggle to not cry at work. I have anxiety dreams about work. When I mean miserable, I mean deep depressing misery, not just your usual unhappiness at work. 

Our company is offering Voluntary Lay Off this year where you get a week of pay for each year or service at the company. After that, you are eligible for unemployment. I ran the numbers with our budget, and I think that we would be absolutely fine and still be able to save money each month. I was elated, because it’s a way out! Then I could focus all my energy on the job search and perfecting the technical skills for the certificate I am earning. 

I broached the topic with my husband, and he was less than receptive. He is worried about the risk (so am I) and thinks the financial risk is too great. He also indicated that he would expect us to fire our twice monthly house cleaner, and that I would take on burden of doing all vacuuming, dusting and toilet scrubbing. I told him I was able to keep that in the budget and that I wanted to focus all my energy on finding a job. I also didn’t want to become the person responsible for all the chores simply because I wasn’t working, because my job would be to FIND a job. He said that was probably a deal breaker. 

We still have some thinking to do, but I think he is ultimately going to tell me that while he wants me to be happy, I need to keep working because we can’t bear the financial risk. He has already told me that when we bought our house, we made a financial agreement and we have plans to save money for our future (fun things, like a back yard or new cars). That’s the most important thing. 

Here’s where my thoughts are. I feel like he is placing my economic worth (both my earnings and chores) over my mental well-being. I want to tell him that, but I also want to tell him that I don’t want to be in a marriage where my economic worth is the most important factor. I also don’t want to be in a marriage where he thinks that my career choice is a joint decision. And for the record, if our positions were reversed, I’d want him to pick that path that allows him to be happy. Our marriage needs to strengthen or I don’t think we are going to make it. 

Is this an ultimatum? I don’t want it to be “You won’t let me take Voluntary Layoff, so now I’m going to threaten to leave you.” I want him to know that I am very upset about how he values my well being, and that’s I’m not okay with that. Its also not okay with him thinking he gets to decide which job I take (or don’t take) based off its salary alone (that’s a different conversation we have had).

Yes, we are in counseling already. I don’t know if its working. I’m in my own counseling, and it is working.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

why cant you look for a job now so that you wont need to have any time off work? If you are so unhappy why havent you done this before?


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## drakeness (Jan 24, 2017)

I don’t want to look for a new job right now because my professional certificate will be complete in June. I want to change careers, so I don’t want to apply for jobs until then. June would also be when the Voluntary Lay Off would take effect. 

I spent the last several years trying to make it work at current company. I “just needed to try harder” and I should “feel so lucky to even have this job when so many other people would love my opportunity.” I have switched jobs internally multiple times. I have applied for a few outside jobs, but only halfheartedly, because something else was ALWAYS more important. That’s why it would be nice to fully dedicate myself to the job search. 

If I had been on my own, I would have left years ago. I only stayed because I “should.”

I am leaving my company this year, it’s just a matter of when. Though I’m not allowed to take a position that pays me less money even if it would make me absurdly happy.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

It sounds like you have a paid "escape route."
I think it is reasonable for him to look favorably on this option since it would release you from stress.

If you quit your job and work on a job search it is absurd to me that you aren't willing to vacuum, dust and toilet clean in your own home. If this is one of his conditions, you really need a reality check if you think he is being unfair wanting that. 

The majority of all of us on here both work full time, and amazingly also clean our houses. The way you say that you sound like a spoiled princess. Not trying to be harsh, but that is how you are coming across to me anyway.


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## drakeness (Jan 24, 2017)

The main point is I feel like he is choosing my paycheck over my mental health. I'm not okay with that.

On the topic of the house cleaning I can respect that I come across as a princess. The reason we hired a house cleaner in the first place was to help alleviate stress on the marriage. We would spend our free time cleaning the house and fighting over who was doing what. The house cleaner has helped us not be at each others throats about who's turn it is to clean something. Even now, we struggle with the concept where we each think we are doing more of the chores than the other person. "I did the dishes last night." "Yeah, but you didn't wash the pots and pans, so those are still yours to do." or "You didn't do the dishes." "Well, I washed all the laundry today, doesn't that count for something?" "That's nice, but the dishes still need to be done." Chores seem to be our preferred battleground.

Its a consistent sticking point in our marriage, and I can very easily see it becoming a situation where I am responsible for 100% of the house chores because I am not bringing in a paycheck. I'm not okay with that, because its his house too.


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## MartinBeck (Jan 19, 2017)

You definitely need to leave if it's making you miserable to this extent.
But you need to have a realistic understanding of what other jobs you are likely to be able to get after this new certificate. And be prepared to ha e to eat into savings if the job hunt in the new field takes longer than the runway the severance/buyout package gives you. If you don't have savings to keep you afloat for >6 months in addition to the runway the buyout gives you, you can't quit yet.
I don't understand the reticence about job hunting now. What do you have to lose? If you are getting the certificate in June at least do informational interviews to understand what employers are hiring this skill and for how much, in your area. As well as start building relationships and pipelines for when you want to switch in June. 
Don't believe whatever line the educational institution is selling you about the marketability of your certificate.
From your husbands perspective, I bet the refusal to interview now is a huge issue and his fear is that you will quit and either choose to not go back to work, or to be unable to find something anywhere near in the pay range. 

What do you mean by "perfect the technical skills for the certificate"? Unpaid internship or volunteer work? Additional classroom hours?

I think you absolutely have to cancel the housekeeping service if you are not bringing in the income anymore. If you are not bringing in income you need to make lifestyle adjustments to fit budget (going out to eat, etc). 

Job hunting ad and interviewing is 20-30 hours a week, not 45 hours a week. If you are not bringing in an income you need to step up you other contributions to the household. Cancel the housekeeper and agree on a chore chart with you doing 70-80% and him doing 20-30%. Plus you have to take on cooking at home instead of eating out, packing his lunch, etc. to help cut spending until you're back full time.

(If he quit his job and told you he wasn't going to job hunt and wasn't going to help around the house, he'd be a jerk and everybody on TAM would ask why you're staying with such a looser.)


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Arithmetic doesn't care how you feel. 

You can look at what income you will have if you stop working, look at your expenses and figure out what things you will need to stop spending money on. Then you can see if you are willing to live that way.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

drakeness said:


> To describe my misery, I am recovering from an eating disorder and I am so unhappy I can’t bring myself to eat at work (clearly, a step backwards). I spend 20 minutes in my car each morning giving myself a pep talk to even go into the office. I cry in my car at the end of the day. I struggle to not cry at work. I have anxiety dreams about work. When I mean miserable, I mean deep depressing misery, not just your usual unhappiness at work.



Have you explained your misery to him, in these words? This is horrible. You are probably looking at very serious health issues over time due to this kind of daily stress/misery/dread. 

Have you talked to your Dr. about depression? This is where I was (crying daily) over things in my life and I got hormone replacement for menopause plus and anti-depressant and while I still haven't resolved all my issues, I am SO much less miserable it is night and day. It is horrible for your health to be this unhappy.



drakeness said:


> I broached the topic with my husband, and he was less than receptive. He is worried about the risk (so am I) and thinks the financial risk is too great. He also indicated that he would expect us to fire our twice monthly house cleaner, and that I would take on burden of doing all vacuuming, dusting and toilet scrubbing. I told him I was able to keep that in the budget and that I wanted to focus all my energy on finding a job. I also didn’t want to become the person responsible for all the chores simply because I wasn’t working, because my job would be to FIND a job. He said that was probably a deal breaker.


I have a couple thoughts here - He either does understand or does not care how serious this is. Considering he's a man, I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and just tell you that it seems to be a male trait to simply not take their partners complaints seriously is said partner is willing to continue to accept whatever it is they are complaining about. 

My other thought - I find it rich that you are so miserable and he's got who cleans the house as a "deal breaker." But I also see his point of view. How much time does your house keeper spend every 2 weeks? I'm a terrible housekeeper so maybe I just don't get it - but how long does it take to vacuum the house, dust, and clean the toilets? Maybe you are afraid of splitting your attention between house upkeep and job search, but is job searching REALLY a full time job? Also, how much does she cost and how tight is your budget. And of course even if you say that you will take on what she has been doing while you're unemployed, is he really going to start expecting more from you as in "drakeness is just sitting around the house all day, she can run all these errands..."



drakeness said:


> Here’s where my thoughts are. I feel like he is placing my economic worth (both my earnings and chores) over my mental well-being.


He is. Though he probably does not understand that he is doing that.



drakeness said:


> I want to tell him that, but I also want to tell him that I don’t want to be in a marriage where my economic worth is the most important factor. I also don’t want to be in a marriage where he thinks that my career choice is a joint decision. And for the record, if our positions were reversed, I’d want him to pick that path that allows him to be happy. Our marriage needs to strengthen or I don’t think we are going to make it.


Well, your career choice does affect him so I understand him feeling he has a say in it. However, I don't understand him being able to accept you being miserable and valuing money over happiness if you could get by on less overall income. I also suspect he has no idea how much happier HE would be in a marriage to a woman who is not miserable. I think you should tell him these things in the most respectful way possible. 



drakeness said:


> Is this an ultimatum? I don’t want it to be “You won’t let me take Voluntary Layoff, so now I’m going to threaten to leave you.” I want him to know that I am very upset about how he values my well being, and that’s I’m not okay with that. Its also not okay with him thinking he gets to decide which job I take (or don’t take) based off its salary alone (that’s a different conversation we have had).


To me it sounds like more of a boundary than an ultimatum. You are saying "I am no longer willing/able to tolerate ABC." I think an "ultimatum" is more of a selfish-demand: "You do XYZ or I will leave." Really, his insisting you keep working in a job or do all the housekeeping sounds more like an ultimatum. But, bottom line? Everyone has a bottom line. Things they are or are not willing to live with. I don't think an "ultimatum" is inherently good or bad. It just is. 

("I will divorce you if you have sex with someone else" is an ultimatum. It's also quite reasonable, IMO.)




drakeness said:


> Yes, we are in counseling already. I don’t know if its working. I’m in my own counseling, and it is working.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

It sounds perfectly reasonable for your husband to back you taking the lay-off and you splitting the 40+ hours you won't be working between looking for a job and cleaning your home. 1 hour a day MAX cleaning (it shouldn't take more) and 7 hours left to look for a job/ further your education and/or skills. And I would feel so thankful that I'd happily have a nice meal prepared too. Many people would give anything to be in such a position.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Here's a few things I think, given I supported my wife through a bunch of job changes and whatnot. 

First, supporting your family is a necessity. Billions of people have worked the worst jobs to supply a future or even a now for their families. Many people hate jobs and you seem to be in a fortunate situation where you can depend on your husband as you get to choose somewhere else better to work.

Second, since you are depending on your husband, and you both are in this together, he should absolutely have a say on your career focus. I am not say he should determine what you do, but his input should be important to you.

Thirdly, i can understand your feelings and anxiety. My ex is an icu nurse and i cannot fathom a harder job on somebody emotionally.

Fourthly, you should start the job search asap. You are getting some sort of certification in something unrelated? Something you want to move to? Many companies will take that into account. It is tough to find a job.

Lastly, absolutely you should be doing the housework. You cannot focus 8 hours a day on finding a job. There will be a lot of downtime, and you should be finding anyway you can manage to help financially. That would be a deal breaker.

While I completely understand you need to leave your job, you are being selfish in some aspects. You are putting your desires ahead of financial security. Consider all aspects and understand that you may not find any job for a while.


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

If you are that miserable in your job you need to get out ASAP before the problems become physical rather than just emotional. BTDT. My last job was the same way. I dreaded every single day, cried in the car on my way to and from work. I knew I should quit but didn't because my family needed the money.

6 months into the job I had a heart attack due mostly to anxiety and constantly high blood pressure. I've been told I'll probably never be able to work again due to heart muscle damage. I'm only 45. The job/money wasn't worth it, trust me.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I agree with some of the others, you should do your own house work if you quit working job hunting will not be 24 hour job especially with most companies now requiring you to fill out an application online.

It's not a competition on who did what and who didn't to me that is not even worth getting in fights about, we both work full time and I do most of the house stuff which I don't mind just another way to show my love for him.

Also you should look for a new job now, instead of waiting on a certificate because unless you have a company wanting to hire you as soon as you get that certificate you will find a hard time getting in a field with no work experience.

You say he does not care about how you feel mentally, to me it seems like he is worried about making sure you don't lose your home or anything else. If all you have to do is housework to leave your job, so you can spend all your time job hunting I would be out buying some cleaning supplies.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

drakeness said:


> I need some clarification on boundaries, expectations, and ultimatums. I want to set a clear boundary, but I don’t want it to become an ultimatum.


Boundaries and expectations, when enforced, are exactly ultimatums. People don't like to call them that but it's exactly what they are. Let's just call them expectoudaryatums and I'm a big fan of expectoudaryatums. I think the issue here is that you and your husband don't trust each other. Let's be honest, two people madly in love would find ways to compromise in a situation like this, would find a way to see each other's point, would find a way to rationalize the other person's wish. You guys are smart enough to be in counselling so kudos for that. Have you asked your counsellor this question? Not your IC but the one who you both talk to?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

drakeness said:


> The main point is I feel like he is choosing my paycheck over my mental health. I'm not okay with that.
> 
> On the topic of the house cleaning I can respect that I come across as a princess. The reason we hired a house cleaner in the first place was to help alleviate stress on the marriage. We would spend our free time cleaning the house and fighting over who was doing what. The house cleaner has helped us not be at each others throats about who's turn it is to clean something. Even now, we struggle with the concept where we each think we are doing more of the chores than the other person. "I did the dishes last night." "Yeah, but you didn't wash the pots and pans, so those are still yours to do." or "You didn't do the dishes." "Well, I washed all the laundry today, doesn't that count for something?" "That's nice, but the dishes still need to be done." Chores seem to be our preferred battleground.
> 
> Its a consistent sticking point in our marriage, and I can very easily see it becoming a situation where I am responsible for 100% of the house chores because I am not bringing in a paycheck. I'm not okay with that, because its his house too.


How old are you guys?


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## drakeness (Jan 24, 2017)

Thank you for all the replies, I appreciate the comments. I will take them all under consideration.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Would you care to elaborate as to why you feel this way about your job? 

My wife has hated every job she ever worked. Similar attitude to what you described. Took me a while to figure out that it is not the job or people, but rather, wife's attitude and expectations.

Right now she has the dream job. Two days a week real work, three days relax work. Easy job. Work from home. Six figures. She still is not happy.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Hates to do housework, hates to do go to work......

Exactly what is it you do like to do?

Husband bad, job bad, housework bad.......

Hmmm. I think I see a patten.

Maybe you can address what's so bad about your job? Or why you are unwilling too do housework with no job?

Your husband sounds pretty reasonable to me.

You're in the car crying about going to work. I know there are tough jobs out there. Could we have a hint what this one is?


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

Hello, 

I think you should take the voluntarily lay off so that you still have an income. Make sure you have insurance under your husband. Start applying to other jobs. Quit the housekeeping service and take care of all of that yourself (dishes, cooking, cleaning). As someone mentioned here that it would only take at least an hour or 2 of your day. And strategize like swiffer sweeper, use a dish washer to wash, hot pot/slow cook all your foods. Since you own a home, then you can rent a room out to a respectable quiet student for added income.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I think you should explain it to your husband exactly as you did in the first post--you laid it out pretty well there. To appease your husband, cutting out the cleaning service in the meantime sounds like a good compromise. Keep in mind that it takes a few weeks to get that first unemployment check. Are things so tight that he's worried that this one expense is going to break you guys? You may want to come up with a few more ways to cut back to help him feel ok with it. But I definitely think you need to take the layoff... I think you need the break, just for your own mental health. 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

One other thing I was thinking about for you - I would check out the book "His Needs Her Needs" by Dr. Harley from Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice. They have a radio show you can listen to on your phone and the other day I was listening and the Dr. was talking about how there are tons of emotional needs but the once important for romantic love fall into about 10 categories. Things like affection, sexual fulfillment, intimate conversation, recreational companionship, financial support, domestic support, admiration, etc...

What's interesting, is that of the top 10, men and women most frequently pick the opposite 5. The overlap, of course, and most people have a need for all of them, but Men's top two are usually sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship whereas women's are most frequently intimate conversation and affection. 

Not for nothing, but FINANCIAL SUPPORT is most often desired by women and DOMESTIC SUPPORT is most often desired by men. That kind of fits your situation in that your H seems to have a strong desire for you to take on more household chores if you're not working, even if really you can afford to pay someone else. It may be a need/desire he has, to be domestically cared for by you, that he does not really even understand. Or it just sounds irrational to say "i don't care if we can afford a housekeeper I want you keeping the house while I'm financially supporting us." Just as you have a need for him to say "I cannot stand for my wife to be so unhappy when we can get by with less money. Of course I will support her while she finds work that does not make her miserable."

Anyhow, I thought that might interest you.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You're hanging a lot on your certification. I can understand the desire to wait until you have it to job search (I'm also half a year away from a certification) but if I were so bloody miserable in my job I'd tailor my cv to indicate how far away I was from achieving it (time wise) and I'd start looking today. Would a new employer have to pay or is the program already paid for? This would make a difference, potentially. I paid my own way so I don't feel beholden to any company. 

If it's a dead cert you'll be certified in a certain time-frame, I'd suggest looking now. Unless there is some particular reason to wait that you have not yet expressed?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

drakeness said:


> I broached the topic with my husband, and he was less than receptive. He is worried about the risk (so am I) and thinks the financial risk is too great. He also indicated that he would expect us to fire our twice monthly house cleaner, and that I would take on burden of doing all vacuuming, dusting and toilet scrubbing. I told him I was able to keep that in the budget and that I wanted to focus all my energy on finding a job. I also didn’t want to become the person responsible for all the chores simply because I wasn’t working, because my job would be to FIND a job. He said that was probably a deal breaker.


While your first priority would be to find another job, it's doesn't take 8 hours a day, every single day, 5 days a week. And it certainly doesn't make it impossible to do laundry or scrub a toilet, dust and vacuum or cook a meal for dinner while you're doing it. 

Secondly, it's absolutely ludicrous to have other people doing your housecleaning when you're HOME to do it yourself. Unless you two have tons of expendable income and a yacht parked down at the harbor, there's not ONE viable reason for you *not* to be doing all the work at home if you're not working OUTSIDE the home. Your argument just makes you sound incredibly lazy.



> Here’s where my thoughts are. I feel like he is placing my economic worth (both my earnings and chores) over my mental well-being. I want to tell him that, but I also want to tell him that I don’t want to be in a marriage where my economic worth is the most important factor. I also don’t want to be in a marriage where he thinks that my career choice is a joint decision. And for the record, if our positions were reversed, I’d want him to pick that path that allows him to be happy. Our marriage needs to strengthen or I don’t think we are going to make it.


Your career choice SHOULD be your decision, 100%. You're working towards that goal and will have your certificate in June. While you're accomplishing that, you want to take a left turn which is ok, too. You just need to realize that if you're not going to be bringing in a paycheck, it's not fair to be wasting money on cleaning personnel when you're fully capable of doing it yourself. You're not a special snowflake.

I've worked at one or two jobs I despised so much I'd actually swore under my breath from the second I got out of my car, walked across the parking lot, went through the front doors and all the way through the office to my desk. People probably saw my lips moving and thought I was a freakin' lunatic. I would have given *anything *to NOT to have to show up there each day and wanting to hang myself from the first convenient light fixture in the office - just like you feel. And if it were possible for me to escape the place and take a layoff package and the price at home would be taking over the domestic chores while searching for a better job, I would have been ALL over that like a hobo on a hotdog.

Rework your financial plan excluding the decadence of unnecessary house cleaners this time around, and reapproach the subject again with him.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

drakeness said:


> I need some clarification on boundaries, expectations, and ultimatums. I want to set a clear boundary, but I don’t want it to become an ultimatum.
> 
> The situations: My husband and I are both employed full time at the same company. For him, it’s the company he wanted to work at since he was a young boy. He gets frustrated with his job, but for him, it’s working. I, on the other hand, am miserable at work. Bone crushing, mind-meltingly miserable and have been for several years. I have tried changing my jobs inside the company, furthering my education, and multiple coping skills through years of therapy. I plan on leaving the company sometime this year once I am done with a new professional certificate that I working on.
> 
> ...


I personally think a risky career choice/change SHOULD be a joint decision since being married has a direct impact on each person's financial troubles. If your credit tanks, so does his kind of deal. I think you should follow your heart and not be miserable, but I don't think you should be approaching this as a take it or leave it situation. As for the monthly Hird help, you should stop using that. It's only fair that if you expect him to get on board with your wants than his wants and concerns should be as equally important to you too. If stopping the maid service will give him more security for you to quit your old job, then I think you should do it. Everything is a compromise in marriage (good ones anyway). And I seriously doubt cleaning and vacuuming and dusting is going to prevent you from finding a new job. I have two kids, I'm married, im in university, and I work, and I take care of our home (husband does help though). 

For your mental health - leave that job, for his mental health - consider his feelings and fears.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your husband is doing what is best for you by trying to keep you working and busy.
By your own admission you are depressed. You don't like working inside or outside the home--- its obvious.
I doubt any job you apply for you will be happy with. If you quit and stay home, you'll find 10,000 reasons not to go back to work, and your husband will gradually become more and more resentful of carrying the full load while you bellyache about depression and how he does nothing but give you trouble about your lack of any effort in the home or anything else. You start hating your husband, and your marriage goes down the tubes in a death spiral.
You won't answer any questions about why you hate your job, so I'll ask one more question.

I don't know you or your situation; my "prediction" is hopefully total bulls&$.
It is, right?

My favorite quote "I've found a way to include that in the budget".
I'll bet you did. It was YOUR budget, without his input, that includes you not working.

I hope I have it all wrong.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

drakeness said:


> On the topic of the house cleaning I can respect that I come across as a princess. The reason we hired a house cleaner in the first place was to help alleviate stress on the marriage. We would spend our free time cleaning the house and fighting over who was doing what. Its a consistent sticking point in our marriage


I disagree that the house cleaner makes OP sound like a princess. I have had the very same discussion with my wife. We historically argued about who was doing what in terms of chores. I proposed that we have an established chore list and agree on what is a fair division of household labor, but she wasn't OK with this idea *bangs head on wall*. In the end, hiring a house cleaner mitigated our conflict, and I would recommend this service for any household that can afford it. Unfortunately for me, we haven't been able to find a reliable cleaner so I'm still stuck with most of the chores. *sigh* I digress.



drakeness said:


> I can very easily see it becoming a situation where I am responsible for 100% of the house chores because I am not bringing in a paycheck. I'm not okay with that, because its his house too.


Ignoring unemployment benefits, you will have a temporary income stream given your tenure at the firm. So, why not propose that you keep the cleaning service for the duration of that income, allowing you to focus on your job search? When that income runs out, if you've found a job then resume working and continue paying for house cleaning. 

If you can't find a job in that timeframe, it's completely reasonable that you assume the household responsibilities in you're not employed. Being unwilling to do so after allowed a month or two of dedicated time for a job search would be unfair, and makes you seem as a princess who can't be troubled with getting her hands dirty; those manicures are expensive.

By the way, I think it's a mistake to wait until June (certificate completion) to apply for jobs. You need to do it before then. Maybe not now, but definitely before June.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I think that your plan is unreasonable. I think you are emotionally manipulating him by saying and even thinking that he is putting your economic value over your mental health. If you think so low of him why are you with him? You have been at this job for years and you can't work a few more months? It sounds irrational to me. 

Your putting all your eggs in one basket (this certificate). I think it's better and safer to operative in a Way like I don't have it until it's in my hand sort of way, there is always a possibility that you don't get it then your screwed. You need to plan for the worst case scenario Bc sh*t happens.

There is absolutely no reason why you can't look for a job now. Looking takes minutes. There is no excuse to this. I think you should already have a few job possibilities lined up before you even get the certificate. And as June approaches I see no reason why you can't even go on interviews. This way when June comes up, you can volunteer for layoff, and start a new job within a couple weeks. It absolutely does not make sense to start your job search after you are jobless. On top of you can't clean the house. So ridiculous. You are very manipulative, your clearly trying to max your time without a job while doing minimal housework then turn around and paint your husband is a very nasty light.


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## MartinBeck (Jan 19, 2017)

drakeness said:


> Thank you for all the replies, I appreciate the comments. I will take them all under consideration.




It's getting near June. Any updates? How's the certification and the job search going?


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

Here's a thought...if you have changed jobs internally several times but still weren't happy, how is changing companies going to be any different?
If you have firmly decided that you hate that particular company, how do you know you won't decide the same thing at a new company .
If you are capable of Deciding it's impossible to be happy there, are you not capable of deciding it's really okay? It's not who you are, is it? What about the rest of your life? What is the purpose of a job in the first place? Don't you decide that? 
And I'm very curious...exactly what is it you hate so much about the company?
If it's people related, that will follow you everywhere. And you are in a position to learn how to deal with them. Or not. My theory is never leave for that reason. Unless you are slaughtering animals and it's against your moral values to do so type of thing.
You have all the options in the world.
I bet you could even alter your lifestyle and go work as a house cleaner part time. There is great immediate satisfaction in cleaning. Seeing a job done, the taking care of yourself and your environment, nourishing and feeding your body, the act of immersing yourself in the tasks.
Or spend all your energy fighting what is necessary to merely even live in society. 


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

I would just quit. No job is worth that kind of misery, and there are other jobs out there. Plus if you are about to be credentialed, you'll have a whole new set to choose from.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

drakeness said:


> The main point is I feel like he is choosing my paycheck over my mental health. I'm not okay with that.
> 
> On the topic of the house cleaning I can respect that I come across as a princess. The reason we hired a house cleaner in the first place was to help alleviate stress on the marriage. We would spend our free time cleaning the house and fighting over who was doing what. The house cleaner has helped us not be at each others throats about who's turn it is to clean something. Even now, we struggle with the concept where we each think we are doing more of the chores than the other person. "I did the dishes last night." "Yeah, but you didn't wash the pots and pans, so those are still yours to do." or "You didn't do the dishes." "Well, I washed all the laundry today, doesn't that count for something?" "That's nice, but the dishes still need to be done." Chores seem to be our preferred battleground.
> 
> Its a consistent sticking point in our marriage, and I can very easily see it becoming a situation where I am responsible for 100% of the house chores because I am not bringing in a paycheck. I'm not okay with that, because its his house too.


Drake ness,

Here's your problem. How is your mental health going to be if you take the risk and quit the job and you two can't pay your bills, lose what you have, or have to give up things you now can afford to do. And how will HIS mental health be coping with that and how will his mental health affect your marriage.

Many many people hate their jobs, yet family obligations and the financial well being of the family unit makes it necessary to suck it up. Many people probably know folks who quit jobs to "pursue" their dream and when that dream job or thing does not work out, their marriage crumbles because of the resentment, mental stress, and arguing.

Just saying its not as simple as hubby just caring about your paycheck. Along with that paycheck also comes the stability of making ends meet. You may have to quit anyway but you need to be aware it m Ishtar not be such as smooth transition.


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