# Update-after wifes affair



## travelking (Jun 4, 2014)

Update: I posted here a little over 2 years ago regarding my wife and her affair and how bad it killed me. Well here I am 2 years later, still married. I decided to give her a second chance since for one I have two children, and 2 I really truly love her . Its been tough as hell on me mentally. Prior to this incident I was always confident, fearless and believed in myself. However after this happened I find it hard to feel secure in this marriage and my self esteem is shot. For the record she does put in more effort in this marriage and things have greatly improved. I really want make this work since I want my 2 daughters to grow up in a 2 parent home, and again I truly love this woman. However the anxiety of wondering if this is going to happen again leads me to jump to conclusions that may or may not be there. Its made me hyper vigilant about “keeping an eye on her”, and at times made me seem like a controlling lunatic. This past weekend for her birthday, she chose to go out with her sister to an event I have been to before where I’m sure men hit on her, and whether she shot them down or not, I’ll never know; but that anxiety of thinking it might happen again made me seem crazy. I told her straight up, I didn’t want her to go (looking like a controlling lunatic), and she obliged saying she would not, but then I felt like an a-hole considering its her birthday I told her to go and actually dropped her off at the door. Though things have gotten drastically better from where they were, Im still on guard at all times and I don’t like the person that I have become because of this. I hate being that controlling, jealous husband that needs to police his wifes activities, but as I told her last week, you caused this-I have never been like this with any woman, and I’m finding it tough to move forward. The thought of splitting up enters my mind all the time, especially if I know she is going to be in a situation where the opportunity to cheat is so easy. My best friends wife who is like a sister to me and good friends with my wife (she sort of guided my wife thru reconciling) told me that even though she might not show you, she will never do this again because she knows how bad it hurt u. That doesn’t give me any confidence or peace so now I feel like people are looking at me like I’m crazy and I’m not. I just cant hurt like that again. Any suggestion from anyone who has been in a similar situation and got thru it, would be appreciated!


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

travelking said:


> Its made me hyper vigilant about “keeping an eye on her”, and at times made me seem like a controlling lunatic.


This will eventually fade. When, I don't know.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Of course I've been through it 19 years ago, 10 years ago, 3 years ago and 2 years ago.
I'd love to tell you it gets better for you, but all the fake R I went through says to me it doesn't.
She had an affair because she saw a better opportunity, as men we cannot comprehend that.
You see you love her Idealistically that's why you are still there. It's a different kid of love for her.
In any relationship, the person with the most power is the one who needs the other the least.
You need to work on needing her least, even if you stay.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

One thing to know. If you have self evaluated, and know you are a good decent man, kick those self-esteem issues you had to the curb.

If everything else is in order Cheating is about the other persons lack of self-esteem. Or lack of communication the relationship call..

Even if she were to cheat again as much as it may hurt you, It’s about her lack of self-esteem, And immaturity.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

travelking said:


> Any suggestion from anyone who has been in a similar situation and got thru it, would be appreciated!


Some permanent damage happened to your marriage. Some can't ever let it go, that may be you.

For it work, you need to get to a place where you do not need her, with confidence in yourself that'll you be just fine even if she does cheat again, you'll just dump her.

Once you are there, you might have a chance.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

OnTheFly said:


> This will eventually fade. When, I don't know.


Not necessarily. If the issues are not fully resolved in your heart and mind, this will go on until they are.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I read you past post and Lord Almighty, man you filed for divorce and she got a tracking phone was still Cheating on you, you stayed with her.

Why are you wringing your hands only. 

Leave, unless your just here venting. You weak and use the children card to be co-dependent on her for the air you breath. And continue to be the marital police, how's that going for you? Lousy right! she's already shown she cannot be trusted. Going to places where she will drop her panties, because she knows those are real men who would not put up with her crap. And yet here you are still using the kids as your reason to stay. 

Dude, you got to move on and get the Divorce. Nothing will change she knows this too, and will play out what ever she wants.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

What stood out for me is what the best friend said "she might not show you."

If she wants to be in the marriage, it is incumbent upon her to repair her damage and make you feel secure.

What is the Sisters play in this? Is she supportive of the marriage? Is she aware of what happened? If she is supportive of the marriage, I might not be as concerned. What did your wife do to help you feel better about it? Did she keep in contact with you and check in through the evening? Did she come home at a decent hour? Did she come home bombed or stoned?

From what you say, she doesn't appear to be extremely remorseful. That should change and quick. Perhaps you need to work on yourself and do a 120, if not a 180, and apply enough pressure on her and see if she tries harder.

If she doesn't, Lawyer Up!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I wrote a post without doing my homework. 
My bad.

I made that same mistake that others here, often do. 

Huh? 
What?

I did not go back and read your other threads. 

I think she has been cheating on you for a long time, maybe your whole marriage. 
The cheater script handwriting has long been on the bedroom wall. 
Early on, she treated you like dog crap and called you lazy, and ill educated?

How many affairs has she had? 

Was one this long distance affair, the other being local?

1) She, cheating with a newly wed man with two young children.
2) The other man 300 miles away that she met up when with her sister, and her whole family end up knowing?

Is it two, or why the confusion?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Until you understand who you wife truly is and not some idealized version of a woman from your dreams, it will forever haunt you.
It's incumbent upon the survival of the species for us men to think that way. It's a hard nut to crack. 
But ask a woman about another woman, and she'll say she doesn't trust her. 
You see, who you think she is and who she really is are 2 different women.
Us outsiders, we know who she is....You need to become an outsider looking into your marriage to truly evaluate it.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

StillSearching said:


> Until you understand who you wife truly is and not some idealized version of a woman from your dreams, it will forever haunt you.
> It's incumbent upon the survival of the species for us men to think that way. It's a hard nut to crack.
> But ask a woman about another woman, and she'll say she doesn't trust her.
> You see, who you think she is and who she really is are 2 different women.
> Us outsiders, we know who she is....You need to become an outsider looking into your marriage to truly evaluate it.


So... women are cats? In general, I think generalizations can be dangerous. We draw assumptions based upon our own observations in our own lives, and that might not apply.

Or women are cats. Would explain a lot of things.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

what kills me the most in your story was that both her mom and sister knew of the affair...was there any repercussion from that...did they apologize for their part. Honestly Tking i know you say you love her, but how can you truly love someone who is that deceptive....


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

travelking said:


> Update: I posted here a little over 2 years ago regarding my wife and her affair and how bad it killed me. Well here I am 2 years later, still married. I decided to give her a second chance since for one I have two children, and 2 I really truly love her . Its been tough as hell on me mentally. Prior to this incident I was always confident, fearless and believed in myself. However after this happened I find it hard to feel secure in this marriage and my self esteem is shot. For the record she does put in more effort in this marriage and things have greatly improved. I really want make this work since I want my 2 daughters to grow up in a 2 parent home, and again I truly love this woman. However the anxiety of wondering if this is going to happen again leads me to jump to conclusions that may or may not be there. Its made me hyper vigilant about “keeping an eye on her”, and at times made me seem like a controlling lunatic. This past weekend for her birthday, she chose to go out with her sister to an event I have been to before where I’m sure men hit on her, and whether she shot them down or not, I’ll never know; but that anxiety of thinking it might happen again made me seem crazy. I told her straight up, I didn’t want her to go (looking like a controlling lunatic), and she obliged saying she would not, but then I felt like an a-hole considering its her birthday I told her to go and actually dropped her off at the door. Though things have gotten drastically better from where they were, Im still on guard at all times and I don’t like the person that I have become because of this. I hate being that controlling, jealous husband that needs to police his wifes activities, but as I told her last week, you caused this-I have never been like this with any woman, and I’m finding it tough to move forward. The thought of splitting up enters my mind all the time, especially if I know she is going to be in a situation where the opportunity to cheat is so easy. My best friends wife who is like a sister to me and good friends with my wife (she sort of guided my wife thru reconciling) told me that even though she might not show you, she will never do this again because she knows how bad it hurt u. That doesn’t give me any confidence or peace so now I feel like people are looking at me like I’m crazy and I’m not. I just cant hurt like that again. Any suggestion from anyone who has been in a similar situation and got thru it, would be appreciated!


Can't have it both ways. You decided to stay and I'm sure you knew or should have know that you would live a life of discomfort and uneasiness, which is understandable, but that's the life you have chosen to live. I've read thousands of stories and have been cheated on twice, but fiance's. You live to learn with it, but the fear of a repeat (which is real despite what she says) is one you just have to deal with through therapy or some other means. 

Would help however to narrow down exactly what you're afraid of. Is it the hurt of betrayal? Is it losing her? Is it your the loss of your family? Break each one down. If it's the hurt of betrayal, then you've been down this street and know the pain, but chose to risk it again, so you'll have to just realize your loss may not be that great if she betrayed you twice. Sometimes the best person to be with is not the one you love.

If it's because of the family. Many over estimate the one family under one roof theory. I know from working in the social field that it's not being under one roof that protects the kids, it's where love is present and throughout the house that is most meaningful. If for example you're in tatters and she grows a little less impatient as time passes, the kids will clearly see this and feel it for themselves. Kids know waaayyyyy more than they let on. My best friend had as sister, mom, dad and dog under one roof. Picture perfect. Problem was, his dad was a womanizer. Messed him and his sister up for life. The theory is just that. There has to be genuine love and happiness shared between the parents before anything.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Trust once shattered is very hard to rebuild. The fact that she wanted to go to a place without you for her birthday that she knew you wouldn't be happy about says a lot. Why couldn't she go out with you for her birthday?

Maybe you know that she cant be trusted, or maybe the trust was just shattered too much to be restored. That's why many end their marriages, because they cant trust again. Only you know which applies to you.
Loving her isn't enough if the trust is gone.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Nothing is so painful as those words from the past, that sneak up on you, and seemingly so fast.

Those that end up nibbling away one's, oh' my, alibi!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Wait! The last thing I saw was that she had bought a Tracphone to keep in touch with her boyfriend and you had filed for divorce. What happened?

I am afraid that she did have sex on her vacation. Sounds like you may be her plan B. Have you considered a polygraph to get the truth?


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## travelking (Jun 4, 2014)

Tdbo said:


> What stood out for me is what the best friend said "she might not show you."
> 
> If she wants to be in the marriage, it is incumbent upon her to repair her damage and make you feel secure.
> 
> ...


The sister was with her on vacation when it happened. She claims to have not known but I of course dont believe that. Whats funny is her sister is divorced because her ex husband cheated on her. Her mom found out since I called her literally from the steps of the courthouse the day I filed for divorce. Her parents are deeply religious so they were upset and her mom whom she talks to daily didnt speak to her for weeks and damaged there relationship. Upon reconciliation she did show remorse-tears the whole 9, but I met that with skepticism since hey why tf should I believe her. I'm trying to let this go for my own mental health but it is not easy!


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## travelking (Jun 4, 2014)

re16 said:


> Some permanent damage happened to your marriage. Some can't ever let it go, that may be you.
> 
> For it work, you need to get to a place where you do not need her, with confidence in yourself that'll you be just fine even if she does cheat again, you'll just dump her.
> 
> Once you are there, you might have a chance.


Its not that I need her, I dont-I actually enjoy being on my own. Prior to meeting her, I purposely did not get into any relationship for years, and part of that was because of situations like this that occur in many relationships. Financially, Id be fine-and if it came to divorce we would split custody because I do as much for my kids as she does, just Im trying to make things work but Im at war with the thoughts in my head.


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## travelking (Jun 4, 2014)

StillSearching said:


> Until you understand who you wife truly is and not some idealized version of a woman from your dreams, it will forever haunt you.
> It's incumbent upon the survival of the species for us men to think that way. It's a hard nut to crack.
> But ask a woman about another woman, and she'll say she doesn't trust her.
> You see, who you think she is and who she really is are 2 different women.
> Us outsiders, we know who she is....You need to become an outsider looking into your marriage to truly evaluate it.


This is true-excellent words!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I see you still take the blame and put the blame on others. Your wife’s cheating damaged their relationship, not her mom or religion. She knew how her mom would react and she chose to risk it anyway.

She cheated and you are the “hyper vigilant” lunatic. 

Until you realize your own self worth, you’ll never move past her cheating or realize you deserve better.


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## travelking (Jun 4, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Trust once shattered is very hard to rebuild. The fact that she wanted to go to a place without you for her birthday that she knew you wouldn't be happy about says a lot. Why couldn't she go out with you for her birthday?
> 
> Maybe you know that she cant be trusted, or maybe the trust was just shattered too much to be restored. That's why many end their marriages, because they cant trust again. Only you know which applies to you.
> Loving her isn't enough if the trust is gone.


trust might be shattered to point of no return-thing is I want to trust her but hat pain was so deep. I compare it to when my dad passed, not in the context of the level of love because you love your parents differently then your souse of course, it just hurt almost the same. Unfortunately death of ones parents is inevitable and expected, something we all dread even if sudden. Infidelity makes you question your entire marriage and who you are as a person and its testing me daily.


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## travelking (Jun 4, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I see you still take the blame and put the blame on others. Your wife’s cheating damaged their relationship, not her mom or religion. She knew how her mom would react and she chose to risk it anyway.
> 
> She cheated and you are the “hyper vigilant” lunatic.
> 
> Until you realize your own self worth, you’ll never move past her cheating or realize you deserve better.


not taking the blame at all for her and her moms relationship-she f_cked up not me, Im not sorry her mom and her had a strained relationship-I called her mom from the courthose so she didnt get the version of events that my wife wanted to tell.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

There is only one A-hole in this story (two quote your post) and it's not you.

When she cheats on you and then a few years later goes out with her sister like she is a single women why would you expect your married life to be anything else but painful. Thing is there are plenty of other women out there. She is not special or even worthy of all this pain you allow her to cause you. I suggest if you want to stay for the kids then stay for the kids and divorce yourself emotionally from this women. 

By the way your kids will be fine, half the kids in this world grow up from divorced families. 

It's your life but if this is what you choose to accept then don't expect it to not be painful.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

travelking said:


> trust might be shattered to point of no return-thing is I want to trust her but hat pain was so deep. I compare it to when my dad passed, not in the context of the level of love because you love your parents differently then your souse of course, it just hurt almost the same. Unfortunately death of ones parents is inevitable and expected, something we all dread even if sudden. Infidelity makes you question your entire marriage and who you are as a person and its testing me daily.


Why would you trust her ever again, that would be very unwise. 

No offense dude but you need to start seeing who your wife is in the harsh light of reality not how you idolized her to be. Seems like you don't want to accept that that person never existed. The sooner you do the sooner you will start to heal. 

All your posts scream fear. You have allowed this women to do this to you. This ONE WOMEN in the million out there. It's really an insult to all the true honorable women out there. Again if you want to stay for the kids then stay for the kids but STILL emotionally divorce yourself from this women. Stop letting her have all the power over you I mean what is the worst thing she can do? Cheat on you? Oh yeah she did that already. I mean does she crap gold or something? 

She is not you only path to happiness, or from your post a path to happiness at all. You need to summon your courage and move on at least emotionally. I am not even saying divorce, I am saying accept that you can't control her and if she cheats on you again you will be fine, just like before life will go on. 

Maybe you don't want to allow her to do that again and you know there is a good chance it can happen. Maybe deep down you know she is not really safe so you know you are trying to do that impossible and maybe that is what is making you hyper-vigilant. Whatever it is, this is no way to live.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

No longer lonelyhusband got through it. You might drop him a line on how he did it. 

If your girls are seeing you all messed up, then you are hurting them more then you think. They are growing up thinking that your marriage is the way it should be. 

As others have said, some people just can not get over being cheated on. You really need to figure out if this is you. It has been two years.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Adding to the above, you aren’t a bad, evil or weak person if reconciliation is not for you.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Only speaking about my own experience, I knew that I deserved better then living the life of "jealous, over watchful husband". Do I still love my STBXW? Yes, absolutely. But I also know that I can NEVER trust her again and (as you obviously know) love without trust can destroy a man.
My advice to you is file. After all this time you have to realize that it isn't going to get any better. Put yourself first, put your mental health first. It does get better! Take it from me


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> Only speaking about my own experience, I knew that I deserved better then living the life of "jealous, over watchful husband". Do I still love my STBXW? Yes, absolutely. But I also know that I can NEVER trust her again and (as you obviously know) love without trust can destroy a man.
> My advice to you is file. After all this time you have to realize that it isn't going to get any better. Put yourself first, put your mental health first. It does get better! Take it from me


Agree 100%! I lived in limbo for 3 years. The worst 3 years of my life. The only way to bring peace to yourself is to set yourself free.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

RebuildingMe said:


> Agree 100%! I lived in limbo for 3 years. The worst 3 years of my life. The only way to bring peace to yourself *is to set yourself free*.


Yes, beats *setting yourself afire*, day after day after month.

The mind burns slowly, to something less than original.


TT I-


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Comment removed


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

travelking, your wife had an affair while she was on vacation without you with her sister. Now you are triggered because your wife is going to a singles bar with her sister without you, a place you know guys are going to hit on your wife. Why would your wife like going to a place like that? 

At this point, the problem is yours, not your wife's. Your wife is who she is. She didn't treat you well going back five years. She holds a grudge from when you were not monogamous when you were single. You love her, more likely you love your children and the stay-together family. What do you love about your wife? You said the same thing when she was treating you like dirt 5 years ago. So why do you love her? What attributes?

Lunatic jealous husband make you look weak - my opinion. You are not a jealous lunatic person, this only happened since the affair. You mention how it hurt so bad and you can't go through that again. I think that's your problem. You found out your wife can cheat, and rather easily, when you are a genuinely caring husband who does his best as a husband and father, and she was so callous in how she treated you well before the affair. I think you have to really look at your wife and her attributes and understand that she is who she is. She is not going to change - people can change, but very very very few really do. And your wife is just not bright enough or just doesn't care enough to willingly on her own just avoid stuff like singles bar with sister with all the triggering that would occur. First of all she shouldn't even bring it up, she should just tell her sister she doesnt want to go to a place like that. But apparently your wife likes that kind of place, maybe for validation, maybe for cheating, who knows, but your wife is who she is. Second of all, after you said you don't like it, she shouldn't have gone. Then in the end you drive her there to drop her off to meet the singles-bar guys.

Stop expecting your wife to be faithful. If she is, great. But she likes other guys' attentions. You have to manage your expectations. You are expecting a faithful wife, but you already know you don't have a faithful wife. I think you have to let go of her not cheating. If she does, she does. You can't stop her. It is beyond your control. You can only control how you react to it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The thing is....

Good news for Travelking. She will 'eventually' stop her wayward ways.

Most wayward wives quit cheating when they reach sixty, maybe seventy years old. 
I know, some never do. Those nursing homes can be Peyton Places.

Eventually, Mother Nature ties their 'rubes' and turns off the hot water.
Yes, many are physically capable, they just don't have the desire, the energy, and many willing and complicit men sniffing around them. It takes two to have relations.


I suspect it is that the men no longer lust for them. 

I have a true story about a 78 year old woman (CPA) who was seduced by one of her younger clients. Her husband was in a nursing home and she was still 'frisky'. 
Yes, I know the lady!!

No, it was not one of us.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Some itches cannot be scratched by one man.

The lower itch, often yes.
The shouldered itch, not always. This is the problem wayward nudging-factor.

A wayward woman needs her furnace stoked continuously. 
The husbands wood does not burn long or hot enough for her.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @travelking ~ She cheats on your marriage once, with you choosing to stay ~ shame on her!

She does it a second time, with you giving credence to staying yet again ~ then shame on you!*


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I know this is probably not what you want to hear. But it's better to have at least one healthy home (yours) for the children if you split than one dysfunctional home if you stay together. Children observe way more than we think they do. Children are amazingly adaptable and resilient. We don't think so, but they are.

I was The Marriage Police for 5 years in my first relationship. It's a job I will never ever take again. It changed me as a person, and not for the better.

The fact that your wife went ahead and celebrated her birthday at a place you were uncomfortable with, even though you eventually caved and said it was ok, was not ok. ETA- what was this place she went? A bar? A live show? Bc if it was some place innocuous like a restaurant in the mall then you might have gone overboard with that. What type of place was this?

Listen, it is ok if you finally pull the plug on this marriage. Your feelings matter, too. I ate the **** sandwich every day for 5 years after my live in boyfriend cheated on me. Every day, I'm guessing, you take a bite of that **** sandwich. Some days it might be a big bite, some days a small bite. But that damn **** sandwich is ALWAYS there on that damn plate. 

Tell us-what has your wife done in this reconciliation (or is it wreckonciliation?) to show you she is really doing the heavy lifting? I haven't seen concrete examples. Transparency of phones, computers, do you have her passwords, etc? Tell us something good.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Casual Observer said:


> So... women are cats? In general, I think generalizations can be dangerous. We draw assumptions based upon our own observations in our own lives, and that might not apply.
> 
> Or women are cats. Would explain a lot of things.


Nature is not a generalization.
We tend to observe what we want to, not what's true nature.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

*UI*



travelking said:


> The sister was with her on vacation when it happened. She claims to have not known but I of course dont believe that. Whats funny is her sister is divorced because her ex husband cheated on her. Her mom found out since I called her literally from the steps of the courthouse the day I filed for divorce. Her parents are deeply religious so they were upset and her mom whom she talks to daily didnt speak to her for weeks and damaged there relationship. Upon reconciliation she did show remorse-tears the whole 9, but I met that with skepticism since hey why tf should I believe her. I'm trying to let this go for my own mental health but it is not easy!



Since I haven't been around here all that long, I wasn't aware of the backstory.

After I posted yesterday, I went back and looked. All I can say is that you have my sympathy.

You need to regain control of your situation, and control your own outcome. There is an old saying "If you lovve something, let it go. If it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't, it was never meant to be." With that in mind, I'd do a hard 180, lawyer up, and file. If she truly wants to be married to you,she needs to do the hard work and the heavy lifting. The onus needs to be entirely on her. You need to decide what is required to make you feel safe again, AND IT IS INCUMBENT UPON HER TO MEET AND ADHERE TO THOSE REQUIREMENTS TO YOUR SATISFACTION!

You need to find where she put your balls, take them back, and take charge of the rest of your life. Being married to you should be a privilege, not a right. If she is unwilling or unable to do the right thing, oust her and find a good woman who is willing.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You filed for divorce 2 years ago. Are you divorced or not?

If not, why not?

If you stopped it because of the kids, then that was a bad move dude. Kids are resilient. They can adapt. Kids are also very empathetic. They can sense the turmoil in a house and it keeps them on edge all the time. Not having two loving, trusting, happy parents is worse on the kids than divorce.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Another question -- did you EVER expose the affair to OM's wife? If not you should have (and still can if you still have the evidence you collected).
Are you SURE she stopped contact? Are you SURE she doesn't have yet ANOTHER trackphone someplace?

It sounds that you basically accepted that she cheated for the "sake of the children". YOU clearly haven't gotten over it -- have you done/doing counseling? If not, you should.

What remorse did she show? What consequences did she have for cheating? What has SHE done to help you past it?
From what I've read, the answer to these questions is NOTHING. 

There is no issue with rethinking your decision -- life is dynamic, not set in stone from a decision. You can always change your mind.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Trust once shattered is very hard to rebuild. The fact that she wanted to go to a place without you for her birthday that she knew you wouldn't be happy about says a lot. Why couldn't she go out with you for her birthday?
> 
> Maybe you know that she cant be trusted, or maybe the trust was just shattered too much to be restored. That's why many end their marriages, because they cant trust again. Only you know which applies to you.
> Loving her isn't enough if the trust is gone.


I agree 100%

OP I went through this with my x. However when I saw the fork in the road of forgiving her or moving on I knew without a doubt that I would become what you describe you are. For me I could forgive but I can never forget. I would have become suspicious of everything, controlling on everything and I don’t want to live like that. I want a partner I can trust. It seems to me you have put your best effort in here but you can’t look past what she did and I don’t think you should personally. Divorce and find a partner who can be true to their word. Don’t be this person you are becoming. You’re in a prison of fear that she will do this again


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I think that people fall roughly into two buckets - those that are very unlikely to cheat and those for whom cheating isn't a big deal. From her history, it sounds like your wife is one of the latter. Hopefully that can change, but I'm skeptical.

It is sad that your wife is choosing to celebrate her birthday going out without you. I've been married for more than 25 years. During that period, I cannot recall me or my wife ever wanting to celebrate a birthday without each other. I don't think we're unusual. For a couple that is recovering from infidelity, I think it is in particularly bad form. I can understand why you feel concerned.

I've never lived through anything like what you have. I have friends that have been in similar situations. None have ended well so far, but I'm always hopeful.

I think you need some things that will help you build trust:

1) Open access to all of her communications. I hate to advise prying into even a spouses personal business, but your circumstances call for extreme measures. I'd insist on full access to her phone and her not using any apps like snapchat that routinely destroy messages. I would exercise this right fairly regularly an openly.

2) Include location tracking on her phone. Insist that she notify you in advance if she's going out without her phone. Make occasional spot checks to make sure that she's where her phone is.

3) Check-ins when she's out. It's what parents do without wayward children. You video call them from time to time when they are out so that you can not only check up on them but you can also see where they are.

None of that is a guarantee. At some point, she's like to "lose" her phone while she's cheating on you. But you can't be with her 24/7. It sucks to be that invasive, but she squandered your trust in the worst possible way.

Good luck.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I've never been through something like this, and personally, it would be a deal breaker for me, mainly because of what you're descrbing here. I wouldn't want to become this untrusting, policing wife. I know me, and I just would not trust ever again. 

I think that once trust is broken, it's hard to repair, but some people do seem to do it. BUT...it takes a lot of heavy lifting on the cheater's part. If you're doing most of the lifting, and your wife is along for the ride...still going out without you, still going to bars, etc...then, she's not as vested in making your marriage stronger. 

Actions speak louder than words, what actions has she taken to show you that she is truly remorseful? On the other hand, you don't want your wife to feel like she has to beg you for the rest of her life, to forgive her. There's a story on this forum like that - where the wife is constantly crying and begging for forgiveness like a year later after her affair and the husband feels somehow good about this. That's not anyway to live, either...if you ask me.

So, it can also hurt a cheater to cheat, if it's a one off out of the norm thing for their character. 

Cheating is a character issue, and it's often not about the marriage at all. It's about that person feeling like they're missing something within him/her. It's not always about the spouse.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You seem to have a concerned dad to a rebellious teen daughter relationship with
your "f"WW. I put that F in quotes because I'm thinking she still has wayward thinking. For a married mother to want to go bar hopping on her birthday like she's some college age single woman is not something any husband should accept but when you throw in that just 2 years ago she was banging some other dude, then it really is totally unacceptable.

I feel for you because I know you want to keep your family intact but she's barely able to give you the minimum that a wife should give. That she needed a family friend to guide her to do something that she should have wanted to do on her own, kind of tells us how luke warm her feelings for you are.

Many always advise to try to see yourself as the prize but that's hard to do when you just took back a wife who was giving herself to another man. By you accepting that, it puts her in the prize category. 

A woman can't build you up. She can inspire you to be a better man but she can't build up your self esteem. You have to do that through actions that lead to meaningful accomplishments. So start getting busy with rebuilding yourself. Not for her but for yourself. 

How's your career? Can it be improved by taking some classes to obtain a cert or degree? What kind of shape are you in? Get your but off the couch and into the gym. How's your appearance? Go get some new threads, haircut, and make sure your hygiene is on point. Are you helping around the house? Not advocating becoming a kitchen ***** but make sure you do your fair share. Lastly make sure you connect with some male friends. Every man needs some good buds to keep him from becoming to dependent on his wife for companionship.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Nope travelking, she's still cheating, and you are still in pain from years ago. You are in your own fantasy about her. The hurt may never go away, but you can take steps to look after yourself. If it were me, I'd give her the pink slip.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I took a very long time telling myself excuse and excuse avoiding the inevitable divorce from my horribly cheating ex-wife.

Way too long. I told myself stories as you are doing, that i loved her, she changed, our kids need an intact home--yadda-yadda.

What a waste of time !

That effort was all one sided. And she was not worth it at all.

I've since married someone who loves me and will never cheat--full stop.

So forget the sunk cost you have spent already on someone not deserving of your attentions.

There is life after the trauma of a divorce--even happiness.

Neil Young wrote a song awhile back called "Hold back the tears." One line of the lyrics is pertinent:

Hold back the tears,
And keep on trying.
Just around the next corner
May be waiting your true love.



======

It was true for me. I was with the ex for 32 years. The last 20 were a nightmare, the first decade I was not aware of her behavior so thought it was good. In reality, it was not. 


Move on!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I suspect you will last until the last child is 18 yo. Then it is quitting time.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Ahhhhh, infidelity.

Even two years later it's the gift that just keeps giving.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So even excluding the cheating part, your marriage has been a disaster since 2014, when you started posting here. For FIVE YEARS you have been unhappy, and yet you keep staying there, doing the same thing over and over... insanity! How's that working for you? Looks like NOT. I hate to say this, but you are never going to have a happy life staying with this woman. Your kids would adjust to you being divorced, and I guarantee they would end up being happier than in the toxic mess of your current home. Kids pick up on things, no one gives them the credit they deserve in that regard. I say dump her and go find yourself some happy.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Travelking, 3Xnocharm has a really good point. I'd say that the kids probably have a good idea what's going on.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I predict that you will leave her when the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving.

Most people are fearful, though, and won't test how painful it is to leave. The truth is that many, many people feel a huge weight off when they finally exit.

You were willing to divorce her then. At that point you weren't cemented to the idea that you must stay for the children. I think you should finish what you started and finally free yourself.

The fear you feel surrounding this decision is easily surmounted. It's not a life-threatening choice.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I have given exactly one phrase to be given to waywards that seems to help. It is a threat, given generally when the road to reconciliation has been chosen. The title of the threat is turnabout is fair play. It goes like this: If you are caught again, all bets are off. I will ensure that every person you know, work with, are related to, have met casually will be told that you are of low character and have betrayed all that you have loved. I will ensure that everyone has a low opinion of you. I will ruin both your and your ap's life. If they are married, I will conspire to ruin both of you. I will have affairs, and I will rub them in your face. I will ensure that as much of our money as possible goes to me, I will help your AP's family in financially wrecking them as well. It would be foolish for you to ever think of betraying me in this manner as I will ensure that your very survival is questionable. I have had several wayward spouses call me and excoriate me for supplying this to their betrayed. I have said that it is not a threat, but a promise. Keep your nose clean and you will never have to worry. Engage in another affair, and be prepared to lose everything precious. I tell every person that I represent that I am a prick of the highest order and I will take great pleasure in ensuring that the other party is made to suffer.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Taxman said:


> I have given exactly one phrase to be given to waywards that seems to help. It is a threat, given generally when the road to reconciliation has been chosen. The title of the threat is turnabout is fair play. It goes like this: If you are caught again, all bets are off. I will ensure that every person you know, work with, are related to, have met casually will be told that you are of low character and have betrayed all that you have loved. I will ensure that everyone has a low opinion of you. I will ruin both your and your ap's life. If they are married, I will conspire to ruin both of you. I will have affairs, and I will rub them in your face. I will ensure that as much of our money as possible goes to me, I will help your AP's family in financially wrecking them as well. It would be foolish for you to ever think of betraying me in this manner as I will ensure that your very survival is questionable. I have had several wayward spouses call me and excoriate me for supplying this to their betrayed. I have said that it is not a threat, but a promise. Keep your nose clean and you will never have to worry. Engage in another affair, and be prepared to lose everything precious. I tell every person that I represent that I am a prick of the highest order and I will take great pleasure in ensuring that the other party is made to suffer.


The thing is....

When younger, I would have readily jumped on this bandwagon.
Vengeance would be mine.

Go scorched earth.

Now? 
I would look to the positive in this. I see flawed people, children in adult bodies.
Leaving this woman would drive me to some new life, without all this gear grinding.
Without her in my life.

...................................................

Sheesh! :surprise:

Gods, let me be clear..

OP would think that any more misery would then only come from (his) own hands and fate, and not from another?
Wishful thinking. His wife is a pawn in the jab-works that surrounds him.

Well, hah! With her gone, it will not come *from her* crap fate! :smile2:

No!

In truth, you can escape from a dire societal situation, but you cannot escape 'that torment' if it continues to prey on you.
If you are marked for this. 

It seems.....damn it, many seem to be.

.............................................................................

I agree, he needs to divorce this woman and get as far away from her as he can. She brings bad juju into his bubble.
And then, he should take his merry (not Mary, not married) time in finding her replacement......if ever.


?-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@travelking needs to find a woman who views him as a partner.

Not a wallet.
Not a patsy.
Not a bed warmer.
Not a taxi driver.
Not a red-cap, a butler.
Not a housekeeper.

He needs a woman who loves him for who he is, not 'merely' for what he can do for her.

Travelkings wife has more than one needy hole in her. 
No single man can fill them. 

Plus, the holes have no 'stick-em' in them. 
Whatever that is placed within, falls out, out of favor, flavor....so soon.
Oh my.

Gwen-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

alte Dame said:


> I predict that you will leave her when the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving.
> 
> *Most people are fearful, though, and won't test how painful it is to leave.* The truth is that many, many people feel a huge weight off when they finally exit.
> 
> ...


Fear is that unknown hand that holds tight your flight.

Every once in a while, maybe every Blue Moon, not just any New Moon, a voice calls your name.

Most fail to acknowledge that voice, they fear to respond.

They trust not, any heart, not their own.

Failure, is often one's own quickly passed over, *choice.
One's prayers often come in on a gentle breeze.

*Choice is often that joint effort, more than two feet looking for the path forward.


KB-


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