# Is it true? Once a cheater...



## java (Jan 15, 2009)

Always a cheater? I am beginning to believe it is. I have not felt fulfilled in my marriage in the last few months and have been trying to tell my husband what I need from him. I get little in return and most of the time what I get are scraps of him. He is busy, he is tired, he is doing something...blah blah blah. When I need affection or attention he gets mad if I get upset b/c he says if I don't get what I want I get mad. I am tired of being rejected..even in the sex dept. The typical roles seem to be reversed in our marriage. He is tired, he is distracted, not enough time...blah blah blah. In his defense he works 3rd shift and operates on about 3-5 hours of sleep a day. We have lots of projects around the house that he insists on doing himself b/c of costs, etc.

Well in the last month I have started talking to someone and have developed feelings for this person. We don't see each other so nothing physical has happened. I love talking to him, he gives me the attention and love I have been needing. Well I have started pushing away from him b/c I feel guilty (the other guy) and never wanted to do this to my husband. I have been unfaithful before in other relationships and once to him while we dated years ago. At the time we were on a break and were not married...but it's not forgotten. He trusts me thoroughly now and he isn't insecure about anything. I know I am doing the right thing by pushing this other guy away and not letting the relationship progress. 

I am trying to do the right thing...but like tonight my husband and I had a stupid fight and I just want to call this other guy. How can I get him out of my head but at the same time get more from my husband. I am resisting the temptation but it is really hard. I have developed feelings for this guy and miss talking to him. I want my marriage to work though and need to get my head back in the game. 

Am I the only one that looks elsewhere when feeling incomplete?


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I feel the same way. I feel something is missing in my marriage and I keep searching for it elsewhere. I don't even know what that missing part is, and why hubby doesn't give it to me. I even had a guy online that was my "run to" guy. I felt guilty, like I was having an affair, and it really disrupted my thoughts, my marriage and my overall mental health. 

Depending on how high your expectations are, I think having a husband that is just busy is not that bad. If you want to save your marriage, don't call that other guy! That type of thing only leads to trouble. Call a girl friend, call your mother, call a pastor, or use this forum as your venting mechanism. It works for some people.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I was the same type of guy your husband sounds like. I ignored and rejected my wife for about 2 years after our 2nd child was born, and she ended up in the same boat you are in, she began to identify someone else as her emotional support and attention giver.

My wife ran into an old friend who lived in TN at his families party here in MI and then began an online and text msg relationship with him. However I was very aware of what was happening between them from the start. 

By the time it got to the point she wanted to get physical with him I had decided I wanted to change the way I treated my wife so she would stay with me. When I got really mad about it I asked myself what the difference was between the way I treated her and the way he treated her, and although he had done nothing to really earn her affection, I had been actively pushing her away from a long time.

When I turned tuwn sex it was pushing her away, when I didn't talk when she was chatty I was pushing her away, and when I didn't spent real time with her just being a couple I was pushing her away.

I knew that even if I stopped her from seeing this guy that noone could take being pushed away forever.

So I really started talking to her and listening to her like I wanted to keep her. I asked about her fantasies and let her know mine, even the ones I was ashamed of and had never intended to reveal to anyone. I started going to her when I was horny instead of finding some porn and masturbating. We started going out on dates again so we could be away from everything else and just be a couple for a few hours. I started really helping her with the household chores so she wouldn't feel like a trapped maid. I quit the gaming that had taken so much of my time away from my wife. 

The OM was totally forgotten, and then actively detached from her life, and I have no worry now that it will ever happen again.

Your man can change and the first step is to communicate with him. Think about why you want to have a "run to" guy other than your man and tell you husband about it. Tell him its got so bad you ended up on an infidelity blog asking how NOT to cheat.

Give him the chance to know that whatever he thinks he's doing its not being the whole man you need right now. Frankly it would be better to let the house fall apart than the marriage, it would be better to leave whatever it is that takes his time away from you than have you leave him, emotionally if not physically.

Just keep giving him the chance to change, and let him know you need change in the way you and him relate to each other.

If he doesn't change then seriously consider leaving him and look anew for someone who will stay connected to you. Dont cheat. You are better than that, and any man you are with deserves better than that too.


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

Sensitive said:


> I feel the same way. I feel something is missing in my marriage and I keep searching for it elsewhere. I don't even know what that missing part is, and why hubby doesn't give it to me. I even had a guy online that was my "run to" guy. I felt guilty, like I was having an affair, and it really disrupted my thoughts, my marriage and my overall mental health.
> 
> Depending on how high your expectations are, I think having a husband that is just busy is not that bad. If you want to save your marriage, don't call that other guy! That type of thing only leads to trouble. Call a girl friend, call your mother, call a pastor, or use this forum as your venting mechanism. It works for some people.




Thank you so much for sharing. It is so good to know I am not alone. I know what I have to do...it's just hard doing it when someone else is being so loving and sweet. They want to be with me and I can feel it. I don't always feel that from my H. I don't get the I missed you...I am the one saying that to my H. The OM...I get "I missed you so bad!" without effort. Why does it have to be like that? Anyway....thanks again for sharing. I will look here for support instead of someone else. 

You guys are awesome!


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

Gomez said:


> I was the same type of guy your husband sounds like. I ignored and rejected my wife for about 2 years after our 2nd child was born, and she ended up in the same boat you are in, she began to identify someone else as her emotional support and attention giver.
> 
> My wife ran into an old friend who lived in TN at his families party here in MI and then began an online and text msg relationship with him. However I was very aware of what was happening between them from the start.
> 
> ...


Thank you Gomez...thank you for spending your time to share this information with me. It is nice to have a guys perspective. I talk to him all the time and tell him what I need from him. He is just distracted all the time. I know I shouldn't rely on someone else to give me the emotional stuff I need. It's hard to say no when they give it so freely and the man I am madly in love with doesn't. 

The bad thing is my H knows in my past relationships when things start going south and I am no longer getting the emotional support and love I need, I look elsewhere. He knows that. Anyway, thank you for sharing your story, you are a great guy and a great husband to turn things around and save your marriage. Thank you.


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## smgmtman (Jun 15, 2009)

I do not subcribe to the expression, but remember a cheater has broken down the bond of marriage.

This create the ability to do again without the inhibitions that the first one encountered.

That is something a forgiving spouse must weigh carefully.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I happen to agree, though. One cheats for lack of something in the relationship. If that lack can't be overcome...it WILL happen again. 

My xgf cheated on me twice! One time I didn't know the depths of the A for a LONG time. I later learned it was a PA, not just an EA. 

But she did it again, before dumping me and marrying her neighbor. Once there is cheating, there's no going back. 

Then the lies come home to roost and you will never trust again. 

If you can "rationalize" the first time, you'll always be able to justify the next...and the next...and so on. I even told her that she liked the attention...she said yeah, she does. 

No, you're not the only one...but END the current relationship by whatever means it takes before you get it on with someone else! There is too much pain for everyone if you don't.


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

dcrim,

Your words are difficult for me to hear..is there no hope? I wonder every day about mine and if there was any PA. Whether so or not, I always wonder if the next one is around the corner ..


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

"Is it true? Once a cheater..."

No. Some people only need to go there once, after that they realise there are other ways of making a point - like communication for example!

Most people deserve at least one chance.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

java said:


> He is tired, he is distracted, not enough time...blah blah blah. In his defense he works 3rd shift and operates on about 3-5 hours of sleep a day.


You must address this sleep issue. It's almost certainly linked to everything else. He is driving himself. Somewhere deep down there is a man who wants to reach a point of rest - you need to find that man and rescue him. Sex will pick up after that.
I promise you - get him sleeping more, and everything will change, he must be out of his mind.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I believe certain personality types are drawn to cheating and cheat... and that without intensive therapy, the situation will repeat irself over and over.
Some women stay with the men and look the other way.

I'm thankful, my husband is not a cheater.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

cao428 said:


> dcrim,
> 
> Your words are difficult for me to hear..is there no hope? I wonder every day about mine and if there was any PA. Whether so or not, I always wonder if the next one is around the corner ..


I know they are. 

And I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this. Sometimes there is no repeat...but in my (limited) experience...it will/does. 

And you WILL spend the rest of your life wondering. Sorry, girl. 

I will spend the rest of MY life always doubting, too. No matter who I'm with. 

No one deserves to be treated this way. No one. 

Once the simple, short, physical pleasure is done...there's a lifetime of hurt remaining.


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Thanks dcrim..Mine is working away again...for 55 days this time. He has been working at (near) home for a few months, and the time has been very good, but he still doesn't give me all I need, the true intimacy and attention, romance. I know how you feel Java. I wondering if he is just "keeping me" because of the convenience. He wouldn't be able to work away from home easily without me watching over our properties (rental) at home.

Now that he's working away he doesn't call me regularly..it's almost like he's distancing himself from me so he has more "freedom"

I heard something disturbing from a friend. She said her guy told her men that travel a lot many times more than not lead a lifestyle where while they're away from home, they take advantage if something comes along, a woman for instance. He said he has friends that travel for their work and they talk about the women. Then they go home to their wives and family and home. It's like they lead "two lives". I think this is what mine is doing...and I will find out if he is eventually. I caught him wandering a once, and logging on to eharmony. Since then we have been through counseling and have "started over". I think if he was connected with me he would call me every day or at least every other..or commit to a time. If I catch him again...we are done.

Java, you are right in not proceeding with the other guy...as hard as it is and Mark is right...he isn't functioning normally with so little sleep and it's hurting your marriage..It will only complicate things if you give in to temptation.


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## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

The saying is hopeless and life is not hopeless. But, when we cheat or look to someone else to make us feel happier, we are trying to fill in the missing pieces by looking to others to fill us up. Other people can't do that, they will always disappoint us. Whether you have cheated or not, it is important to find an inner peace with The One Who Created Us, then live within the boundaries that help you to grow and not to hurt others. So, if you still think you need the "back door" guy. stop and realized what you really need. Also, I do come here because I need a place to talk and listen about this stuff without getting into an argument with my husband. I need a place to think and this is my "methadone" to get disconnected from a similar type of relationship. All the best.


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

SFladybug

I agree with what you said..people cheat because they need more from missing pieces in the marriage, but I feel it is all of our responsibility once we are married and make those vows to let our partner know and ask for those needs to be met...and maybe if they aren't the better choice would be to separate before we look somewhere else.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Many times I felt very incomplete in my marriage--I just found hobbies to keep me busy. Being unfaithful to my spouse never entered my mind. I could never hurt someone I loved by doing that. My stbx, however, had no problem cheating. I'm going to say "once a cheater, always a cheater". A cheater has a character flaw and that isn't going to just go away.


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## Private Eye Wife (May 8, 2009)

I believe that cheaters have '0' respect for others and feel they are themselves worthless. Why else would you set out to ruin your own life & the lives of others? Its all so silly... cheaters NEVER win in the end. You end the marriage/relationship you are in FIRST. That way, there is no sneaking around, excuses, lies, hidden agendas... When you are single, you can do whatever you like, right? Be as SINGLE as you please, but not while you're still married!!! You are either married or not - single or not. Separation is there to give you time to sort through the decision on what to do next. It is not a time to see what's out there, that you think is better than what you had at home.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

BTW, CAO - I travel a lot, too but it never entered my mind to fool around. 

I always wore my ring proudly (until I was dumped...sigh).


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

drcrim,

Good for you..at least you can feel good in your heart about yourself. Funny you mentioned the ring. Mine has never liked wearing it, which was never an issue until recently when I asked him to start wearing it again, because it would make me happy esp. after our last year of hell. He wore it for a while, but then got poison ivy between the fingers where the ring was (very small patch) and left for his job still not wearing it. (poison ivy gone)

Sigh..

btw though, I asked him to call me every day and he said he would...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Not everyone who cheats does so because of something missing in their relationship. 9 times out of 10 it is because of something missing within themselves.

Look at it this way -- if they were healthier, they would have done a better job at selecting their SO so that their needs would have been better met. If they were healthier, they would have been able to go to their SO to discuss the threat and to deal with it in a less destructive way. If they were healthier, they would have taken evasive action to avoid the threat completely and would have put the energy into dealing with their commited relationship.

When I strayed (emotional affair) it was because I took little responsibility for my relationship in the first place. If I had tended to it, it may have been better. Truthfully, he did turn out to be untrustworthy so maybe I couldn't have done better but I could have dealt with it by getting out prior to the EA. The EA happened after I already decided I needed out, but before I had gotten out. The getting out happned after the EA ended. In the end, it was inevitable. 

Ah. I strayed because I wasl already done. That no sex occured is really immaterial.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Dobo - you are mistaken! EVERYONE cheats because of something they are missing! Period! Otherwise, why cheat? 

Selecting their SO who better fits their needs? So there is something missing...you contradict yourself. 

From a lot of your posts...I really wonder if you're a troll...


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

Wow...a troll? 

dcrim I am sorry things didn't work out for you no matter how faithful you were. 

Thanks everyone for all of your thoughts. I am asking my H to give me more and it causes fights. Of course he doesn't like that I flip out when he is on facebook or on his pc and he could be spending that time with me.  Of course that is upsetting to me. 

I have been asking for months for more of his busy time...last night and today have been horrible with lots of fighting. It started last night when I wanted to spend time with him...had told him several times I was finished with what I was working on and I stayed idle til he finished what he was working on. Well when he was done he went to FB...and I was upset. It was midnight and I was expecting the hammer to drop and him to be ready for bed..like he is a lot bc of his lack of sleep. Bed isn't sex...it's sleep. Well I had told him like 3 times I was done...and when he was done I expected him to want to be with me...not FB. I can't even mention that I feel like he spends more time on FB than with me bc that is an instant fight. 

I am telling him there are issues...he thinks the issues are with me bc I can't deal with our lives and lack of time the way he deals with it. He says if I am free I expect he should be free and when he isn't then I am upset. He says I don't get to decide what is important and what isn't important for him to be doing (ie. FB). 

So how do I just not care about what he is doing instead of being with me? I suggested that we make time..not try...but make time 30 min a day and he thinks that will sometimes not be possible. He acts like he doesnt even want to try. He feels like this is another ploy of mine to "control" his time and what he is doing and what he isn't doing.  I am trying to save our marriage....which he says is not a marriage...its a dictatorship. 

He thinks I am hard to please and I can never get enough. When I do get time with him it isn't good enough bc I always want more. So I get the feeling that he is giving up on even trying to make me happy at all. 

We have spent the entire morning fighting. This is alone time we have w/o our kids and this is how we spend it.  But he blames me...


Thanks to all for listening.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Sorry, laughed at the initial paragraphs.  

Anent FB...that's just wrong. There should be NOTHING coming between one and one's SO! If there is, then something's lacking/missing.

I was with a (former) GF one time and we were getting into it and afterwards, I remarked that I gave up ST to be with her. She knew how much I liked that show and appreciated it!  

If you have someone you love, they should be the first thing you think of when you wake and the last thing you think of when you go to sleep. And always on your mind all day. But not obsessively. 

Java, just tell him he's not satisfying your needs and that you will find that satisfaction elsewhere (I'm NOT saying someone else/affair!). Leave the statement open...let him wonder. Withdraw a bit. Let him wonder. 

Go out for a night with the girls. Go to the gym. The library and read for a while. Make sure you dress up a bit. A little perfume. Nice but not sexy clothes. Let him wonder. 

Then go home. Prepare for bed (not with him in mind). Let him wonder. Go to sleep. Wake up with a wonderful smile on your face. Let him wonder. 

Have a luxurious day! Relax, do nothing you don't have to. Let him wonder.


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

Well today I decided to fight for my marriage. I love my husband and I don't want to do anything stupid to create issues or to dissolve our relationship. I told the OM and he totally understands. so...I am giving it up and will be talking to you guys more. lol...

dcrim...I wish I were that bold. I am afraid to go out with friends bc I don't want to open that can of worms and he and I start doing stuff w/o each other...then I will be more jealous than I am now of FB.  

We like doing things together and have never had the desire to go out with friends w/o each other. Your post sounded like fun and had me smiling when I was reading it though. 

Thanks everyone for your input.


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

I applaud you Java for making that decision!

I think you need to find yourself and what makes you happy aside from a man and try to stop the negative energy ...It sounds to me like you are focusing on what's lacking in the relationship way too much, and he can feel the pressure, although I don't blame you for feeling neglected at all! But the relationship needs to just be without being forced to get back on track. I would suggest taking a step back and Dcrim's advice was right on. You don't want to be scarce, but need to "lean back" instead of "leaning in" to the relationship. Maybe just try to do things in the house that make you feel good...a good book, a hobby, whatever...and he will take notice.

I found some of the relationship experts out there extremely helpful. You can receive free emails from them to help that give lots of free advice and purchase their cds or not. Christian Carter is one and Rori Raye is another..excellent advice on how to "be with a man".

Good luck and I think you made an awesome first step! (believe me I know it's not easy!)


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

Thanks cao428. I appreciate the advice. I am trying to keep a journal and log whatever is bothering me and check in here more often. I do notice when I back off I notice more of what he is doing then what he isn't doing. I do focus on the negative (long story there). Honestly I don't know how to just be a different person. Unfortunately most of my trying goes out the window when I am pms'ing and feeling extremely needy of the affection. A book doesn't fix that. I need to go into hiding away from any living thing during that time. That is when we fight the most. 

Outside of that time I am trying really hard....I am trying to notice more of what he does, how he touches me, etc. And remember those times when I am feeling unloved. 

Thanks again!


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Just do what ever you can to build yourself up without the OM...Also you can google Dr. Paul...he is excellent and has a lot of good information about how a man thinks. 

I know when I have felt needy (for reassurance, attention) the energy between my husband and myself wasn't good. You need to somehow be happy yourself before you can have a good relationship and we sometimes make the mistake of expecting our partners to make us happy when actually it's our own responsibility.
I am still learning too and it's a work in progress...

If you are depressed (sounds like you might be) then maybe seek a counselor for yourself..but you can always come here to talk too.


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

I do see a counselor and he has been in session a couple of times in the beginning with me....she actually wants him to come to the next session with me.

Thanks for the info on Dr. Paul. I will do a search....thanks again!


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

The saying 'Once a cheater, always a cheater' isn't always true because some people can and do change and they stop cheating.


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## Almostthere (Oct 31, 2010)

Everyone can change if they want. 
Look at yourself for whats missing not at what your husband is or isnt doing. If you are expecting him to meet all your needs all the time and cant do it on your own you will always look elsewhere when you are feeling low.
Your husband cant always give you what you need and want to feel complete 100% of the time, noone can except you.
If your marriage is bad then counselling and communication is the way to go not EA or PA. Just be clear first wether the prob is withen you or the marriage. The fact that you require others to make you feel good indicates it is probably personal.


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