# Oblivious, but why???



## BettyBoop (Apr 2, 2012)

Question for those of you who were shocked to discover that your significant other was having an affair.

I’m not a dumb person. In fact I am very intuitive but I am perplexed at myself that I had no idea there was OW in his life and how could that be??? Was I in denial? Did I not care? Rewinding, I remember seeing some strange activity but nothing to bring on the red flags. Was it that I trusting him blindly? Why was I a victim for so long and not know it? Why is it that in even now in these times of so much technology the spouse is usually the last to know? Any ideas?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, I think it's a combo of what you've said -- it's the same reason that I never assume there's going to be a blue raccoon in my car when I go out in the mornings, it's just not something on my radar screen.

I wish that you would not beat yourself up about it.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

It is perfectly normal and part of having a trusting relationship with someone. An elevated relationship comes with some perks, trust is a big one. If you did not trust your partner, you would have seen the signs that point to the OW. However, you did trust your partner, you must have in order to have a relationship, so as lamaga mentions, it was simply not on your list of possibilities.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

The answer to your question is in the question itself.
Fidelity is supposed to be a basic foundation on which successful relationships are based.
So often times partners don't bother to look for dishonesty,even when there are glaring red flags.
I was once involved in a business partnership. Tendered for a very lucrative contract. My other partner and so called " best friend " since boyhood, stabbed me in the back, . 
He also tendered separately for the same contract .
It hurt , but I had the last laugh.
Some people are just selfish & dishonest.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Dont stress. You didnt know because your WS didnt want you to know. They took significant steps to hide it from you. My H started his EA in late March early April-I didnt know anything about her for a couple of months. I mean he NEVER said her name. Then all of the sudden he couldnt STOP saying her name. Still it took me months to really really catch on b/c I was concentrating on a sick child. He knew that would be a distraction for me and he exploited that. You cant think like a cheater. Thats why you didnt know. Our child was sick-the idea of caring about ANYTHING else is mind boggling to me. Yet he managed. 

I am also not dumb or naive but I did believe him at face value when he told me things even when it didnt make sense. Mostly b/c I wanted to I think. But my gut screamed loudest so I stopped caring about what I wanted to be true and focused on what WAS true.

So it happens to us all. There is a period of time when we, the LS, dont know b/c we arent looking. B/c we trust them. Yes even blindly. That ability is forever lost.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

BettyBoop said:


> Question for those of you who were shocked to discover that your significant other was having an affair.
> 
> I’m not a dumb person. In fact I am very intuitive but I am perplexed at myself that I had no idea there was OW in his life and how could that be??? Was I in denial? Did I not care? Rewinding, I remember seeing some strange activity but nothing to bring on the red flags. Was it that I trusting him blindly? Why was I a victim for so long and not know it? Why is it that in even now in these times of so much technology the spouse is usually the last to know? Any ideas?


Sure. 

1. Because they hide it from us.
2. Because they maintain a "normal" domestic relationship with us in order to hide it.
3. Because they know its wrong - so they hide it from us.
4. Because we have learned to accept them as they are because we love them, so we don't see those red flags until they start adding up.
5. Because we "assume" that since we aren't cheating, they could not possibly be cheating.
6. Because we trusted them.
7. Because they were emotionally checked out of the marriage and we were not, so we can't fathom what possessed them to cheat.

That's pretty much it, unless someone cares to add. For myself, yes, I too saw some potential problems and ignored them at first as I could not believe that he would step outside of the marriage and become involved with other women. I trusted him. I was wrong to do so (obviously) but I do know that he was the one that broke his marriage vows to me and not the other way around. Of course, by the time I wised up, I still had to pretend to trust him to gather further information, thus leaving him to proceed with his adventures until D Day. I have no regrets about MY behavior, and he appears to have no regrets about his own (yet). 

But BettyBoop, no need to blame yourself here. You are human. So are we all. "Coulda, Shudda, Wooda" is merely a head game. The truth of the matter is that you responded and/or didn't respond was because you trusted him and loved him, and you can't shoot yourself for being a loving and trusting wife.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> Sure.
> 
> 1. Because they hide it from us.
> 2. Because they maintain a "normal" domestic relationship with us in order to hide it.
> ...


"*Of course, by the time I wised up, I still had to pretend to trust him to gather further information, thus leaving him to proceed with his adventures until D Day. I have no regrets about MY behavior" *.

I had to pretend not to know to get proof myself. THE WORST TIME OF MY LIFE sitting there reading all his/her BS back and forth. Talking to people in their office that 'knew'. Listening to the VAR I Put in his bag.......Yeah, lousy times. BUT he was totally denying it so I had to have proof. I resent him for putting me thru having to prove it and not manning up and admitting it. But he now admits that he didnt b/c he was having fun. Didnt want to stop. He was in fantasy land. So I had to play hardball or just walk away and let her have him. I played hard ball.. MUCH MUCH to his surprise. Oh how he underestimated me. Insulting really.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

We see what we want to see, sometimes if we don't like what we're seeing we'll simply look the other way till the s*it hits the fan


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I can honestly say that 'looking the other way' is highly unusual for me. Im a head on kind of girl. But THIS. THIS knocked me back and I must admit that I ignored a few red flags(mostly b/c my only concern was our child). But also b/c I just didnt WANT it to be true. The very thought of him with another woman was temporarily paralyzing . It took me a couple of months to get my bearings and talk myself into following my gut instead of my heart.

YOU did nothing wrong. YOur only error was trusting someone who did not deserve your trust. The same error all of us made.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I was blind to it for 7 months while my wife was having a PA. I missed all the warning signs all the red flags and as I am approaching 1 year since DD. I am still kicking myself in the ass for missing those warning flags.

As you are reading this stuff you see most of us were blind.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> "*Of course, by the time I wised up, I still had to pretend to trust him to gather further information, thus leaving him to proceed with his adventures until D Day. I have no regrets about MY behavior" *.
> 
> I had to pretend not to know to get proof myself. THE WORST TIME OF MY LIFE sitting there reading all his/her BS back and forth. Talking to people in their office that 'knew'. Listening to the VAR I Put in his bag.......Yeah, lousy times. BUT he was totally denying it so I had to have proof. I resent him for putting me thru having to prove it and not manning up and admitting it. But he now admits that he didnt b/c he was having fun. Didnt want to stop. He was in fantasy land. So I had to play hardball or just walk away and let her have him. I played hard ball.. MUCH MUCH to his surprise. Oh how he underestimated me. Insulting really.


Mine still denies and pretends it was no big deal. He just looked at the phone records I ordered (4 months worth) and said nothing. My lawyer and now his lawyer have copies of everything. My WS remains in the fog and the only wake up call he will be receiving is about money (spousal support) which will be too little, too late assuming he ever wakes up. I'm playing hardball now and, so far, I'm winning. I'm moving on and he is still stuck in the fog.


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## BettyBoop (Apr 2, 2012)

Thanks for your responses. 
No, the looking the other way is just not there. 

Yes I understand that his affair is not my fault, but in reflecting back on my end I have to know that this will never happen again. He is working on being a better husband and so am I working at being a better wife. I do not want to stay paranoid for ever, not my style and I want to recuperate some resemblance of the old me. I knew something was ‘wrong’ in the marriage/with him. So many things happened during his 4yrs affair, yes a four year affair!!. The affair started just when we found out his mother had terminal cancer and 3 months later she passed away, then he had a major accident that landed him in the hospital for 6 weeks, lost his job of 20yrs, and had another automobile accident. All these major tragedies had me thinking he was struggling with life, depressed. But never the stench of OW.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

BettyBoop said:


> Question for those of you who were shocked to discover that your significant other was having an affair.
> 
> I’m not a dumb person. In fact I am very intuitive but I am perplexed at myself that I had no idea there was OW in his life and how could that be??? Was I in denial? Did I not care? Rewinding, I remember seeing some strange activity but nothing to bring on the red flags. Was it that I trusting him blindly? Why was I a victim for so long and not know it? Why is it that in even now in these times of so much technology the spouse is usually the last to know? Any ideas?


Don't beat your self up. Men and women (typically) cheat in different ways, so the signs may not have set you off. I always say that if women, could just keep their husband happy in the bedroom, she could have a million affairs and he would probably stay dumb. But look at the many posts here and see that they usually withdraw all sex and affection, and put all their energy into their OM. Don't believe me, then look at the affair boards where the women share their success stories of LTR with OM. Men typically (at least the ones that I know) keep the sex and affection with their BS and the OW, some even step up their romantic game. Sometimes we fail to see things the red flags because we are viewing the world through our own lens. This is not a fault. 

Looking back and finding vague signs won't help you through this. He is at fault, you are not. You trusted him BECAUSE you should have trusted him. I don't think you were in denial. Denial (on this board) goes like this "well they spent the night together but he said they just talked, even though there was explicit sex texting before and after that night, so I am going to hope they didn't" <--that's denial.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

BettyBoop said:


> Question for those of you who were shocked to discover that your significant other was having an affair.
> 
> I’m not a dumb person. In fact I am very intuitive but I am perplexed at myself that I had no idea there was OW in his life and how could that be??? Was I in denial? Did I not care? Rewinding, I remember seeing some strange activity but nothing to bring on the red flags. Was it that I trusting him blindly? Why was I a victim for so long and not know it? Why is it that in even now in these times of so much technology the spouse is usually the last to know? Any ideas?


Believe us all when we say hind sight is 20/20 for sure!!! Looking back I can so much more clearly see what he was doing but I just couldnt then. NOW its so clear. But with that said-he didnt withdraw his affection, he was home at night, not hiding his phone(well once), not on the computer at night. There were signs but not early on. Not until he really got emotionally involved. Then it was subtle. Talked about her too much-but never good. (he admits he was trying to throw me off)Late more than usual but not alarmingly so(Now I know he was in her office on a few of those "gotta meet the deadline" nights) He got a text from her once and he hid his phone.But when I questioned him he said "oh it was OW, she was just asking how our daughter was".....he left off the rest of the text which said "Ive been waiting to hear from you. I expected to hear from you by now. ....I am in tears with worry about her"......GOD that makes my blood boil. She used MY daughter to get to him AND IT WORKED! Stupid man. She didnt give a d*mn about our daughter, she was faining concern to pull at his heartstrings. Worked like a charm. Yet Im at home REALLY concerned about her and it didnt phase him. 

Gotta love that 'perfect OW'. The pure denial of reality. He couldnt tolerate her for a week if he had to live with her. She is controlling and manipulative. Played him like a fiddle.

So dont be upset with yourself. Everyone gets played at some point. You believed him when he said "forsaking all others" as did I.


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## BettyBoop (Apr 2, 2012)

1.	Because they hide it from us.
2. Because they maintain a "normal" domestic relationship with us in order to hide it.
3. Because they know its wrong - so they hide it from us.
4. Because we have learned to accept them as they are because we love them, so we don't see those red flags until they start adding up.
5. Because we "assume" that since we aren't cheating, they could not possibly be cheating.
6. Because we trusted them.
7. Because they were emotionally checked out of the marriage and we were not, so we can't fathom what possessed them to cheat.
I agree! 

As you are reading this stuff you see most of us were blind. 
Yes Mahike, I guess we were, for the most part blind. 

Looking back and finding vague signs won't help you through this. He is at fault, you are not. You trusted him BECAUSE you should have trusted him. I don't think you were in denial. Denial (on this board) goes like this "well they spent the night together but he said they just talked, even though there was explicit sex texting before and after that night, so I am going to hope they didn't" <--that's denial. 
Vangon68, I guess I did the right thing by our marriage to trust him. It is the blind trust I guess that bothers me.


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## BettyBoop (Apr 2, 2012)

cantrustu, OW used the death of MI to get closer to him and to ‘comfort’ him. Yak!! . When he had his first accident he told her that maybe it was G punishing him, she of course talked him out of this thought. When he lost his job she gave him hell. I guess it ruined her plans for a meal ticket. He now feels very foolish.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

In my case, I didn't see the signs because he always maintained the stance "flirting equals cheating"...AND he even went so far as to say that if someone flirted with ME that meant that *I* was cheating... No, at this point, he wasn't involved with anyone else. It was very subtle, on both sides, for our EAs. Looking back, the signs were there, but we weren't looking for them, ya know? Hindsight 20/20, as CTU said. But with subtle changes, you don't notice as easily as if they hit all of a sudden.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

BettyBoop said:


> Question for those of you who were shocked to discover that your significant other was having an affair.
> 
> I’m not a dumb person. In fact I am very intuitive but I am perplexed at myself that I had no idea there was OW in his life and how could that be??? Was I in denial? Did I not care? Rewinding, I remember seeing some strange activity but nothing to bring on the red flags. Was it that I trusting him blindly? Why was I a victim for so long and not know it? Why is it that in even now in these times of so much technology the spouse is usually the last to know? Any ideas?


People who would never cheat, just don't think like a cheater. 

I am around good looking men weekly. I have been hit on numerous times. Even blatantly asked to have an affair, but I refused and stopped being around someone who invited an affair. 

Was it tempting to have an affair. Sure it was. Nothing is ever as hot as a new relationship with a lover.

Still I never took the bait.

I trusted that the husband I loved and adored would treat me with the same level of respect by doing the same.

Sure we had marital tiffs. Who doesn't. Still, nothing was bad enough for me to seek an affair partner.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

While BS are not always dumb, they could miss seeing some subtle things....

If you could rewind the past and see, you will understand, perhaps. 

Cheaters are selfish. Stealthy.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

From wikipedia--->Deception

*Truth bias*

The truth bias significantly impairs the ability of relational partners to detect deception. In term of deception, a truth bias reflects a tendency to judge more messages as truths than lies, independent of their actual veracity.[5] When judging message veracity, the truth bias contributes to an overestimate of the actual number of truths relative to the base rate of actual truths. _The truth bias is especially strong within close relationships. People are highly inclined to trust the communications of others and are unlikely to question the relational partner unless faced with a major deviation of behavior that forces a reevaluation. When attempting to detect deceit from a familiar person or relational partner, a large amount of information about the partner is brought to mind. This information essentially overwhelms the receiver's cognitive ability to detect and process any cues to deception. _It is somewhat easier to detect deception in strangers, when less information about that person is brought to mind.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

One other perspective: If you've observed infedelity before in close context (ie a parent cheated) then perhaps having previously been scarred by it, it makes you more sensitive to the red flags in your own relationships. I actually think that helped me sniff it out. If one of my parents hadn't cheated (and my parents overcame it, happily) then I think I would have been totally trusting. In stead I was 90% trusting and let things go longer than they should've. Your not seeing it may have just been a lovely, trusting heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Having been cheated on before in a previous marriage, one would think that I would have recognized the red flags for what they were. But that was so long ago that I had forgotten because she had earned by trust over the years. I like to think that I'm computer savvy, but she carried this on right under my nose and I look back and realize how I could have busted the affair wide open at certain times. Ultimately, I had my guard down despite the fact that my gut was screaming at me.

I was oblivious because I trusted her and she took advantage of that trust.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> We see what we want to see, sometimes if we don't like what we're seeing we'll simply look the other way till the s*it hits the fan


Yep, this was me. I still cannot believe I did not see it. But, then again, I am not terribly bright.
So, I got that going for me...:smthumbup:


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I didn't see it either... and I just wish I would of found this site before confronting,,,, I know I did too early. All I have is the dates of calls... 

If I would of known what to do, I would of installed VAR, keylogger.... etc.

Definitely the coulda woulda shoulda... 

So I know I will never know the extent of their relationships... but as I have made clear to him,,,, because he won't "own it" and come clean.... the unknown is what's killing our marriage..


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I didn't see it either... and I just wish I would of found this site before confronting,,,, I know I did too early. All I have is the dates of calls...
> 
> If I would of known what to do, I would of installed VAR, keylogger.... etc.
> 
> ...


The unknown killed my marriage. The voices in his ear (cell phone) giving him "marital advice" based solely on his version of me and not the real me. The cruelty. The betrayal. It was all there and he still remains in the fog and doesn't see it. But he is slowly learning. Too little, too late.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Myself, like most here, have a hard time with having the affair go on and not figuring it out. My wife cheated for 6+ years before being busted. The killer was i suspected during the first year. I still remember walking out of the bedroom one night and saying to myself, "she is having an affair". I even wrote it down in a journal log i keep. I tried following her around on evening "shopping" trips. And finally i confronted without proof, I was convinced she would break down with guilt. Big mistake.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

RWB said:


> Myself, like most here, have a hard time with having the affair go on and not figuring it out. My wife cheated for 6+ years before being busted. The killer was i suspected during the first year. I still remember walking out of the bedroom one night and saying to myself, "she is having an affair". I even wrote it down in a journal log i keep. I tried following her around on evening "shopping" trips. And finally i confronted without proof, I was convinced she would break down with guilt. Big mistake.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yeah, I learned the hard way- often during the fog-there is NO guilt, no conscience.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

RWB said:


> Myself, like most here, have a hard time with having the affair go on and not figuring it out. My wife cheated for 6+ years before being busted. The killer was i suspected during the first year. I still remember walking out of the bedroom one night and saying to myself, "she is having an affair". I even wrote it down in a journal log i keep. I tried following her around on evening "shopping" trips. And finally i confronted without proof, I was convinced she would break down with guilt. Big mistake.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh, RWB, did you manage to get evidence to confront her?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> "*Of course, by the time I wised up, I still had to pretend to trust him to gather further information, thus leaving him to proceed with his adventures until D Day. I have no regrets about MY behavior" *.
> 
> I had to pretend not to know to get proof myself. THE WORST TIME OF MY LIFE sitting there reading all his/her BS back and forth. Talking to people in their office that 'knew'. Listening to the VAR I Put in his bag.......Yeah, lousy times. BUT he was totally denying it so I had to have proof. I resent him for putting me thru having to prove it and not manning up and admitting it. But he now admits that he didnt b/c he was having fun. Didnt want to stop. He was in fantasy land. So I had to play hardball or just walk away and let her have him. I played hard ball.. MUCH MUCH to his surprise. Oh how he underestimated me. Insulting really.



That is one thing I think that my H was shocked about..was how I accessed his email account, etc. Plus my intuition which guided me thru this and was right on so many occassions. ONe good thing is that he realizes how sneaky and crafty that I can be....I told him a few times that he should have married a dumb woman...


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> yeah, I learned the hard way- often during the fog-there is NO guilt, no conscience.


That comment is what I struggle with in regards to H's EA..I have often said to him did you not feel any guilt about any of this...especially after dd#1 where when he was away working I would send him I love you texts, etc. and while you were reading them you were still online with your OW. That I struggle with how can you not feel guilt..I don't understand that at all.

I just don't get it....


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Acabado said:


> It is somewhat easier to detect deception in strangers, when less information about that person is brought to mind.


This is why it's so much easier to give an advice on infidelity situation than to follow one.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> Yep, this was me. I still cannot believe I did not see it. But, then again, I am not terribly bright.
> So, I got that going for me...:smthumbup:


IMO, I don't think it is because you weren't "terribly bright", I think it's more similar to want Lord Mayhem said: You just trusted your spouse. 

Also, I think perhaps people who want to stay monogamous, just don't think the same way a cheater does. 

The OW in my situation was very jealous and suspicious of her own spouse even though she hired a detective and found nothing, not even visits to porn sites or men's clubs. 

In addition, she was extremely suspicious of my STBEH. He would actually cancel meetings with female clients due to her suspiciousness and jealousy. 

I never would expect him to cancel meetings with a woman client. Maybe I should have.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

RWB said:


> Myself, like most here, have a hard time with having the affair go on and not figuring it out. My wife cheated for 6+ years before being busted. The killer was i suspected during the first year. I still remember walking out of the bedroom one night and saying to myself, "she is having an affair". I even wrote it down in a journal log i keep. I tried following her around on evening "shopping" trips. And finally i confronted without proof, I was convinced she would break down with guilt. Big mistake.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Same here. About ten years ago, I found condoms in his wallet in a hidden compartment. We didn't use them. 

I had no other proof and he claimed they were old and prior to our marriage. I believed him because he had asked me to go into his wallet to get cash. 

Stupid me. Come on, Condoms, what a huge red flag and I overlooked it.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Sara,

W was a serial cheater. My daughter and I caught her in the last affair. She was very selective about meeting in person her AP. Most of her contact was cell, email, and phone. Her FB account is what tipped my daughter.

"Why would mom be up FBing at 3am day after day and with only one friend (OM) online?" My daughter crashed her email and it was all there. She called me immediately. 

Once I had "proof"... the rest of the story (serial cheating for years) explained all the feelings that I had been sensing for years on end. I secured years of archived cell and email records. 

Obivious... in retrospect, I should of tripped over all the clues for weeks on end. Really, short of finding her having sex in my bed with the OM, I was just not willing to believe that she could actually betray her husband of 25 years without a total breakdown in character. Wrong! The mind of a cheater is something that really can't be figured out. Just excepted.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

H just said in counseling that his talks with the other woman were just like talking to one of the guys... ???

But he had to hide it....


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

A few friends, most of the family, knows about my stbxh's cheating. Everyone says... "there is NO way he would cheat". That's not him... they don't believe it. He's too shy to talk to girls. There is absolutely NO way, and I shouldn't even think that. 

So it wasn't just me that missed it. It was everyone that knows him. All anyone ever told me was how much he gushed about how in love with me he was. He never said a single word to anyone.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

We trust the love of our life not to steal from us or to cheat on us.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> We trust the love of our life not to steal from us or to cheat on us.


And when they betray us, they do both.


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