# Overthinking it?



## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

Gosh I have never posted anything like this before or been on any forums, but here goes.
4 years ago I had an affair on my husband, we went to couseling and have been trying to make it work. The first year after was a mess but since then things have been going well. He ofcourse is tormented on & off again but for the most part is better and I thought we were doing fine.
Last week I jokinly made a comment about him having a girlfriend, & to my suprise he said sorta. They have only shared a small kiss but his emotional connection with her was the real kicker. So over the past few days I have been a complete wreck, I honestly had no idea that this was going on, but I feel like I have no right to be mad because of our history. I am so in love with him & he has come to the conclusion that he wants to stay with me, we have 2 young children. He at first didn't know if he even wanted to work it out but a couple days after it was out he woke up talked with a friend & told me he wants to & stay he doesn't want to be selfish.
I keep thinking is he talking to her? Should I ask? If we fight will he leave? I feel very depressed, not eating, not sleeping, there is a huge hole in my heart but I think the thing that gets me the most is the guilt I have for not being there for him and the fact that I made him feel this a thousand times worse 4 years ago. 
I don't know if I should keep asking him questions about her, & their communication-but it's driving me nuts.


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

Two wrongs don't make a right. What you did does not give him a license to cheat. You need to see to it that he stops this foolishness (as in NO CONTACT) before it does what your affair didn't do...destroy your marriage. He's playing with fire here and needs to knock it of and prove to you that he has. The next step is Marriage Counseling or you will stay on this merry-go-round forever.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Just because you had an affair in the past, does not give him the right to one and you have every reason to feel betrayed. You owned up to your mistake and you worked very hard to make things better. Think about what he is saying to you and then think back when you were in involved in your affair from years ago. Compare and contrast what you had said back then of your affair to what he is saying you now, such as "it was just one kiss"...not to upset you but most likely it has been more than one teeney widdle kiss. What kind of affair did you have? A ONS or a LTR one? A EA or a PA?


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

To Appleduckling,
My affair was much worse-I was pregnant with our second, my hubby was a big gamer at the time. He would game more than work-the game was his family. The other man made me feel worth something. Still no excuse for me & I see that now. I have told my husband that the "feeling" you have with her will fade is it really worth our family. He understands my point he doesn't want to destroy us but on the other hand he feels like what if the grass is greener? He has run thru every scenario in his head & I know he does want to work on us, but I just have the weird limbo feeling of "will he leave today?" Maybe i am overthinking it....


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

haveaheadache said:


> To Appleduckling,
> My affair was much worse-I was pregnant with our second, my hubby was a big gamer at the time. He would game more than work-the game was his family. The other man made me feel worth something. Still no excuse for me & I see that now. I have told my husband that the "feeling" you have with her will fade is it really worth our family. He understands my point he doesn't want to destroy us but on the other hand he feels like what if the grass is greener? He has run thru every scenario in his head & I know he does want to work on us, but I just have the weird limbo feeling of "will he leave today?" Maybe i am overthinking it....


The grass on the other side is only greener because it's fertilized with bullsh*t. From your personal experience you should know that. Now, unfortantely the odds that your H will play the "you did it first" card is very high. You must be able to deflect that and do not allow him to throw that at you. Yes, you made a mistake but you owned up to it and that's done now. However, do look at your past to compare notes to what your H is doing and saying now. Does the speak sound familiar? Does it sound anything like what you may have said to cover your own rear end back then? He will try to justify his affair by using yours against you. I do not think you are over thinking anything. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You need to sit down and talk to him.

As long as OW is in the picture, you have to marriage to speak of. 

I understand how you feel. There are a few of us on this board who have been on both sides of the betrayal in the same relationship (myself included). It sucks.


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

So i just had to text him & ask, he says he doesn't want to loose her as a friend. What the heck? He is an honorable man, & if he says nothig happened i do believe him, but why does he need to be friends I just dont' understand.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

haveaheadache said:


> So i just had to text him & ask, he says he doesn't want to loose her as a friend. What the heck? He is an honorable man, & if he says nothig happened i do believe him, but why does he need to be friends I just dont' understand.


they are *never* "just a friend" this needs to be nipped in the bud now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He can't be "friends" with someone he's having an affair with.


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

I agree, he has not had a physical affair but has had the emotional. My heart is breaking, he just said he doesn't think he is willing to stop the friendship. He doesn't want to tell me he will then continue & become a liar. I told him we can't move forward if he is her friend. I feel completely panicky, he also said I am such a beautiful person that I would have no problem finding someone else. Why is he so eager to destroy our family. I mean the ENTIRE family, my family has become his family so he would not be ruining our childrens lives but my siblings & his niece & nephews. I jsut feel sick to my stomach.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well if he isn't willing to stop the friendship, tell him all bets are off. 
Tell him the affair is detrimental to your marriage and if he refuses to end it with the third party, you will not be around any longer.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh..who is she? if she is married/partnered, tell her husband today. Do not let him know you are telling /exposing the affair.


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## TheFamilyMan (May 4, 2011)

grizabella said:


> Two wrongs don't make a right. What you did does not give him a license to cheat. You need to see to it that he stops this foolishness (as in NO CONTACT) before it does what your affair didn't do...destroy your marriage. He's playing with fire here and needs to knock it of and prove to you that he has. The next step is Marriage Counseling or you will stay on this merry-go-round forever.


agreed^^^


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

She is younger than us & has 2 small kids, no H, I really want to faceb her & tell her to stay away. But he said if I do that he WILL leave. i think its a no win situation. He says he is tired of thinking of the family & wants to think of himself. Our oldest daughter will be completely torn up if we split-she is a total daddys girl but loves me as much too. She complains that her friends parents are divoreced & how happy she is because we are a whole family. 
This is so much harder than I thought-feeling alone


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you say something to her and he leaves, then he wasn't that committed to you.

If he refuses to end it with her you either need to accept that is his decision and stay in an open marriage or end it and move on.

Put your foot down. Hard.


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

Thanks Jellybeans, I will have to put my foot down. You are right.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Maybe, just maybe he never got over YOUR affair !!! This is a huge risk I believe the WS doesn't realize from the beginning... the relationship is forever changed,never the same, ever... we will always look at the cheated spouse and ask "why? " 

Read up on long term reconciliation ...


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

(cough)... (cough)... Karma is a *****.


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## reallyover? (Jun 21, 2011)

Going through the same thing though I didn't cheat on my W in the past. The EA is a difficult thing to deal with. Always wondering what the OP really means to them, are they in contact, does she ever see him in person, etc. Mental torture. She says she wants a D. Seems oblivious that what she is doing it wrong. I printed a def of EA off of wikipedia and gave it to my W. It at least gave her something to look at that she couldn't say I was manufacturing in my head. I think it may help make it "real" to her. Don't know. All I know is I thought she would just throw it out and I found it in her desk drawer. You are in a tough situation. Don't be a doormat, be strong.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It is obvious that your husband never recovered or recommitted to you after your affair and now that he is having his own - EA as a far as we know- he cares more about her than he does about you.

What to do? As jellybeans said, put your foot down. I made a choice and divorced my wife after I found out about her affair - I was genuine to myself and my now ex-wife. But your husband is being duplicitous an needs to be called on for his behavior. Explain to him that while you are not 'calling the kettle black', you cannot stay married to a man who values another woman more than his wife - you.

No spouse deserves to be cheated on, no matter if he/she cheated in the past.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I believe that almost all people have a strong desire to be with other people sexually at some point in their relationships. Not necessarily during the whole marriage but at various times and for various reasons.

A faithful marriage is a beautiful thing but when looking at it from a human sexuality point of view, staying faithful and suppressing your natural urges through decades within an ever changing relationship is a big sacrifice. when one person in a relationship goes out and satisfies this strong appetite, the other one sees their sacrifice as being foolish. You can't help but think "there were times when I wanted to do that but I didn't". Now what's stopping you. You had your fun and I'll have mine. This sounds vindictive but it's not necessarily. It's that the rules of the game have changed. Of course some may choose to remain true to their marriage vows even when the other has broken theirs, however, you can't ignore that an affair changes the rules.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

couple said:


> Of course some may choose to remain true to their marriage vows even when the other has broken theirs, however, you can't ignore that an affair changes the rules.


But not to the point where two wrongs make a right. If her husband wants to pursue a committed relationship with the OW then he should file for divorce and communicate to his STBXW that he doesn't want to remain married to her anymore.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

These Revenge Affairs (RA) get so messy. And I agree, two wrongs don't make it right. Now he's the one feeling the high of the A, and it probably feels oh so good to him after having his heart ripped out. That's probably how he's rationalizing it in his mind.


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

He does was to seperte but no D yet. I feel completely lost I don't even want to be here anymore....
He has not gotten over my affair everyone is correct, I am a ***** , Karma.................


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

What has happened in the past doesn't make a difference, all that matters is if he wants to be in your marriage or not. If so, then NC with the OW, you both go to MC and you rebuild your trust. If he doesn't want to be in marriage then you have to realize there is little you can do to change it except let him go and start rebuilding your life alone, and with the support of friends, family and professionals. He's had enough time to decide where he stands and sounds like he just wants to keep his options open for as long as he can, when you make a stand and close that option for him he will be forced to make his choice. So draw the line.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

wow, some of these things coming out of your hubs mouth sound hauntingly familiar. i like jelly have been on both sides here, and it is massively painful. yes, you had yours, but you did what was necessary to make things right, and it sounds like you did all of the right things after.

your husband is in the fog, my husband would has floundered all over the place like yours, from its over to im not sure, ive heard it all. it is a very very tough situation when both people have done the bad, i dont know your hubby, so i cant deduce if he truly ever forgave you or not, im here for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

paramore said:


> wow, some of these things coming out of your hubs mouth sound hauntingly familiar. i like jelly have been on both sides here, and it is massively painful. yes, you had yours, but you did what was necessary to make things right, and it sounds like you did all of the right things after.
> 
> your husband is in the fog, my husband would has floundered all over the place like yours, from its over to im not sure, ive heard it all. it is a very very tough situation when both people have done the bad, i dont know your hubby, so i cant deduce if he truly ever forgave you or not, im here for you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

haveaheadache said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Paramore, are you still together? He just can't see that he will loose ALL the family 
He loves. I personally think the "feeling" is not worth the risk. Personal experience
I can't hardly talk to him, even look at him right now. I did fb the ow and told her 
To stay away. Its so hard because of our kids, this will devistate them. 
Still feeling hopeless....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Call his bluff----tell him to go----tell him to go move in with her----let him see what REALITY is like with her----he will find out real quick that the grass ain't greener---ITS A DIRTY SHADE OF BROWN----97% of hook-ups based on A's, FAIL

Pack his suitcase for him---tell him to go---tell him YOU WILL NOT STAY IN A MGE., WHERE THERE ARE 3 PEOPLE INVOLVED

Make sure you take all marital assets, and put them in an acct. with only your name on it---and cut off his credit cards---tell him he WILL NOT SPEND ONE PENNY OF MARITAL ASSETS ON HIS GF.

Call his bluff----he will be back very quickly----once reality sets in he will wake up----Just pull a good strong 180 on him.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

arr we together?? separated, me looking for a job at present to do my part to get the financial boat afloat, i am not making any hasty decisions about the future until i have my feet more on financially stable ground, my story is probably one of the more colorful ones on this forum(not in a good way)

i have wondered tons if mr para realizes what he stands to lose etc etc, thing is hon, they do and when they are in this fog they simply dont give a flying ****. as with my h i am not sure if he is in a fog anymore, simply selfish, or just plain stupid, my wondering did me zero good, you will get there, it is a process

i still want my marriage, i still love the ******, since i have absolutely zero desire for another man, i havent filed, financially we would both be screwed at present, so i am watching and seeing if he comes around.

some days seems like a teeny bit, some days goes back, ohhhhh i forgot to mention i took my son to the park and the last ea showed up with her kids a little later, can we say motha ****ing trigger much????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

paramore said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you sure?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

sure of what runs? i was trying to post from my phone so things get a little wonky from this end sometimes lol i hate txting responses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Just kidding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

i figured
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

Thanks to all of you for the responses. This past weekend has been nothing but a roller coaster. I finally opened up to my best friend about what i did, we have been friends for only 4 years and my affair was at the begining of our friendship, and that's not something that I just tell everyone. Anyway, she kinda told me the same thing as JNJ Express. Call bluff, give him a "hall Pass" & see if he takes it (it was just a thought in her head she does NOT advocate this) she also told me if his mind is made up I can not force him to stay. 
So saturday night he spoke with a family member that he looks up to & came home. I think my view, my panick, had changed & i was more accepting of reality too. His talk with our family member also helped. We talked for 3 hours no crying just talking. He understands he must break it off with her but at the same time is sad, I understand I felt the same. He is hopeful about us, he is looking at this more rationally now not just caught up in the "feeling" 
I am still very nervous and anxios about him breaking it off-because i want it to be NOW. He just found out that her cousin was murdered so now he feels bad that she is in pain & doesn't want to pour salt on the wound. However he is feeling disconnected with her & more connected with me. We are going away this coming up weekend, I hope we can move past this.
I didn't think it was possible to feel every single emotion in one day. I am exhausted!


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

There is always a reason for the DS to stay in contact. There is always something going on the OP's life to suggest that no contact is "too much to bear right now."

It's bulls**t.

Someone else can give a s**t about the OP. The DS has to go No Contact immediately and focus on their marriage. Someone else can care for OP in their "time of stress."

PS A cousin's murder is a sad thing, but doesn't change anything. At least it's better than "OP is depressed." My answer to that was "Stop having an affair with them and maybe they can work on their own problems. They are depressed because affairs tear at your soul and destroy families, no matter how much you compartmentalize things."


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

WOW Totally confused I really didn't think of it that way, you are right. However the more I push the more he gets upset. In the past couple days since I have taken a different view it has helped him become closer to me & not her. He is a different kind of man-he actually does not think with his lower body , he is an emotional connector-he always jokes that he is a woman (with his emotions) 
So I think I do need to give it a few days-I know it may not be the best, and I am not going to give up on making sure he follows thru. I am a fighter & he knows that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Stop pushing. Tell him he either ends it or there is no marriage.


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

Aparently they talked last night & ended it. I just found out. I do feel relieved but still in the back of my mind will be nervous, what if they do start talking again, did she text him etc....Thoughts in my head. I think I just have to go day by day. I want to ask him & show me that he will delete her number. I know she could still text him but I think less temptation the better. 
Thoughts?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He should totally block her # so she can't call or text him if he is truly committed to recovery.


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