# Still in love or just in love with the past?



## boutrosboutros (Sep 10, 2010)

Okay, so I'm going to ramble a bit here, but I'd really appreciate advice, thoughts, or whatever else you care to offer. I'm a very private person so the idea of asking somebody in "real life" about this is something I would never do, but this site makes it a bit easier...

Anyway, my wife and I have been separated for about 4 months now. And generally speaking it's a mixed bag. On the one hand I'm actually feeling liberated. I'm socialising a lot, going out and doing the things that I like doing but my wife doesn't, putting myself "out there". I realised that I missed the single life in a lot of ways. Last night I even met a girl, a friend of a friend, and for the first time since the separation I could say I felt a real connection with her, and I would definitely be dating her if I was single. So in a lot of ways, the non-married life is not something which fills me with dread and terror. Actually, I can see that there is an upside.

But on the other hand I do still have feelings for my wife. I can't deny that or change it. It's there. And whenever I see her, I still just want to take her in my arms and hold her. And she's said that her feelings for me are still there, too. When we're together, now that we can be in the same room and not bicker and argue, it's...good. 

The thing is, when I think about the future with her, I just don't know. I don't know whether we can ever recover that certain magic that we had before everything went wrong. We were always a very physically intimate couple - our sex life was fantastic, but more than that we were always hugging, kissing, and everything else.... Now, the thought of doing those things with her seems almost alien. It's like a bridge has been crossed and I don't know if I can go back.

What I guess it boils down to is, do I still love her and can I be in love with her again? Or am I just still in love with what we _had_, but can never go back to in reality?

Does this make sense? Have other separated people gone through thoughts like this? It drives me crazy that I just can't make up my mind about what I should do. Should I risk ending things completely, or persevere and try to go back to the way things were?


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## TroubldHusband (Nov 29, 2011)

Was the separation a mutual agreement? Was it her decision? Was it your decision? With my current situation I feel the same way. My wife and I have been separated for 8 weeks and it something she initiated and decided she wanted, not me. My wife and I were very similar in regards to the constant hugging/touching/kissing. I get the same thoughts about touching her being alien, the idea of kissing her again feeling weird... but I think that's only natural, especially with the amount of time you've spent separated. Honestly, I would love nothing more than to grab my wife and hold her in my arms and kiss her again, but I've come to understand that is not possible right now in my situation. 

From what you've said about how you still have feelings for your wife and how you just want to grab her and hold her, you sound like you're still in love with her, more than just in love with the past you two shared. I go through the same emotions/feelings every time I see my wife. I honestly am trying to figure out the same thing you are. In a sense I feel liberated and it feels good to go out and find that you're still attractive to other women. Sometimes I feel like I'm just more scared to start over than anything, but then I see my wife again and I know instantly that I'm 100% in love with her still and I'm willing to wait as long as it may take her to see the changes I've made to myself and decide she wants to try and work things out. 

Honestly, I can't tell you what to do, or how to feel, but I can tell you if you're feeling similar to how I am right now, you are probably still in love with your wife, so make your decision based on that. Follow what your heart tells you to do. If your heart melts and all you want to do is go touch her and hold her and be with her whenever you see her, then I would rely on those feelings more than anything else. Good luck! I hope everything works out for you not matter what you decide.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

You upper classmen have my attention. I am officially solo one month yesterday. She made an abrupt decision to leave, but had mentioned seperating months ago. Hearing 4 months seperated sounds so far off, but this month actually seemed to come by quickly.

Is there any talk with your wife about living together again? Do you spend much time together? Date? I sure hope we are resolving by 3 months, but she is driving the bus.

All I know is Limboland sucks, but can see it gets a little easier as time goes by. In my humble opinion you should follow your heart.


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## TroubldHusband (Nov 29, 2011)

This is me said:


> All I know is Limboland sucks, but can see it gets a little easier as time goes by. In my humble opinion you should follow your heart.


Sorry for your situation This is me. You're right, Limboland really sucks. It's kind of where I'm at right now. My wife is up in the air and basically undecided on if she ever wants to try and reconcile or not. Right now she doesn't see us getting back together, but she doesn't seem to want and hasn't said anything about the big D word yet. She has told me nothing is set in stone, she doesn't know how she'll feel days, weeks, or months from now. Everything is maybes with her at this point and we're two months into the separation. Enough about me, though. This is not my thread. Feel free to jump on mine if you'd like and we can chat it up there. 

To finish up, I can tell you it definitely gets better with time. I feel better and better each day, both with myself, and with my ability to live on my own and get on with my life. Two months feels like forever, but realistically it's not that much time at all. It's all a waiting game at this point. For now, I'll continue to work on my own issues and become a better, happier, more positive person and let the rest fall into place on its own.

Boutros, like I said, and This is Me said, follow your heart and you can't be anything but happy with the decision it makes


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

boutrosboutros said:


> What I guess it boils down to is, do I still love her and can I be in love with her again? Or am I just still in love with what we had, but can never go back to in reality?
> 
> Does this make sense? Have other separated people gone through thoughts like this? It drives me crazy that I just can't make up my mind about what I should do. Should I risk ending things completely, or persevere and try to go back to the way things were?


Yes it makes perfect sense and what you are experiencing is totally normal. Let's face it you invested years of emotional capital on your stbxw and that doesn't simply disappear overnight, even if she betrayed you by having an affair.

The thing you have to realize is that if your wife truly wanted to remain married to you, she would have pulled out all the stops - showed remorse and a willingness to do the heavy load of marital recovery - as well as moved heaven and earth to get you to not divorce her. But what has she done in the 4 months since you've been separated from her? Absolutely nothing. So it seems quite clear that her affair was an exit affair and that the best thing you can do is to divorce and move on with your life. Just my 0.02 cents.


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## TroubldHusband (Nov 29, 2011)

morituri said:


> Yes it makes perfect sense and what you are experiencing is totally normal. Let's face it you invested years of emotional capital on your stbxw and that doesn't simply disappear overnight, even if she betrayed you by having an affair.
> 
> The thing you have to realize is that if your wife truly wanted to remain married to you, she would have pulled out all the stops - showed remorse and a willingness to do the heavy load of marital recovery - as well as moved heaven and earth to get you to not divorce her. But what has she done in the 4 months since you've been separated from her? Absolutely nothing. So it seems quite clear that her affair was an exit affair and that the best thing you can do is to divorce and move on with your life. Just my 0.02 cents.


I still say follow whatever your heart is telling you to do boutrosboutros, and that's the advice I'll stick to.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

TroubldHusband said:


> That's making the assumption that she had an affair. I don't think he ever stated she had an affair, so giving him advice based on that assumption is not necessarily the best idea.


No assumptions made. Read his earlier thread *Just Discovered Affair*


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## TroubldHusband (Nov 29, 2011)

morituri said:


> No assumptions made. Read his earlier thread *Just Discovered Affair*


Thank you for correcting me! Ok, I retract my previous statements to you, then. I didn't see that thread yet. Only been around a week and have been going through reading as much as I can. I'll still stick with my advice to follow your heart, because I feel like the heart will never fail you, but I do understand now why you responded the way you did  Sorry about that!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

No need to apologize. You gave him the best advice possible based on the information he provided on this thread. It is that I remember his user name from the 'Coping With Infidelity' forum some time back and when I verified what his situation was, I proceeded to give him my advice. No worries.


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## boutrosboutros (Sep 10, 2010)

Thanks guys. Some further info: we separated because of her affair (I moved out in a fit of rage), but she has shown remorse for that (a lot of it) and the other guy is no longer in the picture. I also recognise that I was hardly an angel within the marriage, so while her affair had no excuse, there were mitigating circumstances.

She wants to reconcile, or at least, she's made it my decision. She says she wants me to move back in with her.

This_is_me, 4 months have flown by. It's very odd just thinking for one, but not altogether without its benefits. Treat it as a chance to recharge your batteries and do all the things you couldn't do when you were together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

So what are the things she is willing to do to earn her way back into your life?


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