# MEN - Please tell me something...



## Quaintrelle (May 13, 2012)

Say your wife became overweight and you weren't attracted to her anymore. She's not withholding, she's actually HD like you are. It's your attitude and behaviour that's making the marriage sexless. To the point that you are very depressed because you're not getting laid and think that you don't really have a relationship anymore.

(Yeah, I know that might take some real imagining for some of you. )

Say she's also finally losing weight successfully, and is finally properly motivated to do it for herself, not you.

Would you stick around while she lost weight? If so, how long would you give her?


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

I would say your not really in love with your wife if that love is based on her weight. I have been married for 31 yrs and always weighed 130 pounds, buts 6 years ago I started to unexpectedly gain weight at an excelerated rate and my energy level fell through the floor. A dozen doctors later and 100 lbs heavier no one could tell what was wrong just getting older and needed to change my eating habits .....yeah! I got in a car accident and they found a large tunor on my thyroid. Well my point is my hubby never once made me feel unloved...matter fact he went out of his way to make sure i felt sexy and desired. He bought me lingerie, roses and gifts all the time because he knew it was hard on my self esteem. The weight is coming off and he is thrilled as I am....but I also know he loves me for me not for what I look like. Our bodies age and change they will never stay the same...its the person inside that you need to be in love with. The outside wrapping can be worked on and dressed up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Sexual attraction is a very complex thing. One part of it is physical, but others are love, communication, compassion, meeting emotional needs, and many other things. If your husband is considering leaving you over your weight, then my guess is that the problems in your marriage run deeper than physical attraction. His needs are probably not being met in other areas of the marriage either. There is a temptation to focus on sex as the cause, but if you're both HD and both want sex then it's probably worth exploring other avenues to discover why the marriage has broken down.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

mineforever said:


> I would say your not really in love with your wife if that love is based on her weight. I have been married for 31 yrs and always weighed 130 pounds, buts 6 years ago I started to unexpectedly gain weight at an excelerated rate and my energy level fell through the floor. A dozen doctors later and 100 lbs heavier no one could tell what was wrong just getting older and needed to change my eating habits .....yeah! I got in a car accident and they found a large tunor on my thyroid. Well my point is my hubby never once made me feel unloved...matter fact he went out of his way to make sure i felt sexy and desired. He bought me lingerie, roses and gifts all the time because he knew it was hard on my self esteem. The weight is coming off and he is thrilled as I am....but I also know he loves me for me not for what I look like. Our bodies age and change they will never stay the same...its the person inside that you need to be in love with. The outside wrapping can be worked on and dressed up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Damn! You have a GEM of a husband!


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

My hubs loves me for me. 

Granted, he asked me out the first time because I had big boobs, but that was 36 yrs ago.

I now look like a tic tac toe board from multiple surgeries...He doesn't even notice the scars.

He is now 55 and does not look the same as he did on our wedding day either....in my eyes he looks better. 

I'm pretty sure that's the way it's supposed to work.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Suppressed said:


> It's your attitude and behaviour that's making the marriage sxless. To the point that you are very depressed because you're not getting laid and think that you don't really have a relationship anymore.


Your weight isn't the only issue here. Sounds like HE needs to do some work on himself, whether that's therapy, meds for his depression, or just reading materials along the lines of NMMNG/MMSL.

In my case, my marriage is not good. Whether my W would be overweight or not (she's not), we'd still have the same issues between us.


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## ManOhMan2013 (Aug 1, 2013)

Suppressed said:


> Say your wife became overweight and you weren't attracted to her anymore. She's not withholding, she's actually HD like you are. It's your attitude and behaviour that's making the marriage sexless. To the point that you are very depressed because you're not getting laid and think that you don't really have a relationship anymore.
> 
> (Yeah, I know that might take some real imagining for some of you. )
> 
> ...


Continue to lose the weight. Go for maker-overs while your doing it. It might sound superficial but you have to change yourself from the outside in for your husband to notice. Go to a stylist. As you continue to lose weight have your hair done by someone who knows what looks good for your facial shape and skin color. Get the proper clothes for your body shape. Get the proper make up done for your skin and hair color as well as for your features. 

There is a book called Color Be Beautiful for women. You might want to look into that book or similar books. Check out Youtube and websites on how to look the best you can be.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

It is unequivocal yes. If I loved her, I would wait. However, I would do even better and not lose interest just because she is/was overweight. I would want her to lose the weight for health sake but not because that alone would make her attractive.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

My wife was rail thin when we met, dated and were married. So thin that I actually was concerned if she was bulimic. I fell in love with her, the person, not the figure. 

When she was pregnant with our first child, she went through some serious health issues and had to be on extended bed rest for a few months. She did gain weight but was able to lose the majority of it once she had the baby and was back on her feet. 

A few years later, she became pregnant with our second child and some of the health problems still existed. She gained a lot of weight and had trouble dropping it once the baby was born. 

I was still immensely attracted to her while she had a heavier figure. My libido never wavered a bit. She was not happy with her appearance and that lowered he sex drive a ton. 

It took quite some time, but she was able to lose much of that weight and I never had an issue with her appearance one iota. To be quite honest, I prefer her figure now and also know that she feels better about herself. Her sex drive is good and we have a very health relationship in that and all departments. 

I am not trying to throw cold water on your situation, as every person and couple are different from others. 

Just because our appearance changes over the years ( I don't have as full a head of hair that I did like when we got married and she's not jumping ship for that) doesn't mean that we are still not the apple of our spouse's eye. 

Best of luck to you.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Easy for you to say with a bod like that, 40-20.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Easy for you to say with a bod like that, 40-20.


You are becoming my favorite forum member, my love.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I am in that situation actually, but my wifee is LD and is still only talking about losing weight and getting in shape.

If my wife starting doing something about it, got a healthy sex drive and she was losing noticeable weight every year, yes, I would have no issues being with her through this journey.

But she has to do this for herself first and me second.

But 13+ years later......nada.

Maybe some dynamite under her butt?:scratchhead:


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> I am in that situation actually, but my wifee is LD and is still only talking about losing weight and getting in shape.
> 
> If my wife starting doing something about it, got a healthy sex drive and she was losing noticeable weight every year, yes, I would have no issues being with her through this journey.
> 
> ...


You aren't the only one...

Hell maybe bribe her to do it. Go out and get an extra job, tell her you'll give her $30k to get her weight to a good range for her size.

In most cases it's nearly impossible to MAKE someone do it.

How could someone have made me do it? Maybe if when I gained weight, someone explained to me that they are not as attracted to me as when I had a better body weight for my size and it's the reason I get less sex and affection. Maybe if I knew they wasn't going to spend their life taking care of an overweight person, because they brought the problem on themself then I would've done something about it.

Trying to think how to convince your wife.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What any of us feels is pointless to worry about. It's what's going on between two partners that matters. 

As far as I know, I'd be relatively patient IF I saw effort and hopefully progress. 

To anyone saying "you should love your spouse unconditionally"... You can love your spouse (or anyone, for that matter) and not be sexually attracted to them. I would hazard a guess that most of us have limits or boundaries that would affect our sexual interest in a partner. It might be a weight (500 pounds is still attractive?), it might be hygiene (bad breathe? Bathing once a week?)... Id guess everyone has their limits, as much as they'd like to think they don't. If not, you're a better person than I am. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marriedand40 (Aug 19, 2013)

Unfortunately weight does play a factor when it comes to sex drive for me and most men.

The better you look, the hornier we get, the hornier we get the more sex you are going to get.

Very few women that have put on the weight will get the same amount of attention they get if they were skinny. It takes a very loving, non-shallow man to accept this. I am not saying there isn't any but they are hard to find. It's like finding a woman who likes drinking beer, watching football, and not minding if their man checks out other women in front of them. I am not saying there isn't any, but they are rare.

My wife refuses to work out, she hates the gym. Her idea of working out is walking. Walking doesn't tone your arms, doesn't tighten up your belly, etc. She is about 20 lbs overweight, not alot but enough.

I do love her and accept her but if she was fit, dressed sexier, and had the motivation to wear a bikini and enjoyed a beer here and there I would be the happiest husband and probably wouldn't be on this site. Unfortunately it isn't realistic and have to accept the good with the bad. The weight does affect our sex life though.
We have sex about 2 to 3 times a month. Better than nothing but I have a very high drive. I masterbate about 5 days a week on average.

I recommend keeping it up mostly for yourself not him. If you lose 5 lbs and don't hear a compliment from him, don't get discouraged, keep it up. Dress sexy, get your hair done regularly, find some nice bras that flatter your figure and your confidence will grow.

To the O.P. - You didn't mention what your goal weight is and what you weigh now. I am not trying to get too personal but give us an idea so we can give you some advice.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

In the bookHis Needs Her Needs they have a chapter just on attractiveness. The cold truth is that people do leave their spouse for gaining weight or unhygienic behaviors. Is that wrong? Nope not at all just different. Some would leave if there husband decided not to work. Others would leave if he was a bad father. Some are out if the person does not have enough intimate conversation. The point I am trying to make is that we all have the right to the relationship we want and that includes us being to decide what the deal breakers are.

OP I would decide for yourself is it really worth leaving? Read the book with them and be honest if this is something that is a deal breaker for you then be honest with them.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I don't know ... I think to put it bluntly, no man has an erection based on who a person is. If that were the case, Mother Theresa would have gotten lucky every night of her life.

It is complicated and there is no great answer. Physical attributes are part of it but certainly who a person is is no less important. I have often posted about my wife's tremendous weight gain (now weighing over 330lbs) and how that affects my attraction to her but to be completely honest with myself, it is all the other problems in our marriage that affect my attraction to her more than anything else. If the chemistry was still there, her weight wouldn't be as much of a factor. I didn't marry her because of what she looked like.

I think about who I gravitate to in terms of physical attraction. I would say short to medium height, thin to medium build blondes. Can't explain why, they just grab my attention. On the other hand, I've found women attractive who are nothing like that for reasons that I can't explain ... personality, sexuality, confidence, attitude ... any number of reasons. 

To the OP, I agree with the other posters. I would lose weight for yourself and not for your husband. Losing the weight alone is not likely to fix things in your marriage. I would look for other reasons why the attraction has been lost ... deeper problems in the marriage.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Easy for you to say with a bod like that, 40-20.


Weren't you worried yesterday about "nude" avatars yesterday? I guess your husband isn't looking over your shoulder today. :rofl:


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Regret...40-20 and I have "an understanding". LOL!

He popped in on my other thread just to show off his awesome bod, and I appreciated it.

I am sorry, am I the only one who gets turned on by seeing naked people?


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

"An Understanding"

Sounds like something an AP would cop to. Oh, well, I guess I haven't missed much from TAM.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Um...I don't know what you are implying but I was just joking around and "an understanding" doesn't actually mean anything, just that we had joked each other on my thread about shirtless avatars.

Soo....whatever?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> Regret...40-20 and I have "an understanding". LOL!
> 
> He popped in on my other thread just to show off his awesome bod, and I appreciated it.
> 
> I am sorry, am I the only one who gets turned on by seeing naked people?


OMG priceless, especially in light of the thread you deleted.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yes Hope...I am trying to be jovial about the topic, since it ruffled so many feathers.

Yes, I do get turned on by seeing naked avatars...that was the whole deal with my other thread. Why is that so odd? That was why I had asked the original question...why do some guys have shirtless avatars, is it meant to be provocative?

I had the thread deleted because people were insulted and that wasn't my intent.

So....YOUR fascination with me on this topic is very odd to me. What are you getting out of chasing me around and trying to imply I'm so weird or whatever?

Hey, I'm the first one to say I am weird, so have at it!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I'll just agree with you that you're weird and leave it at that.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Great! Yes, I am.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

It is true our bodies all change over time but taking care of them for our health and sex appeal for our spouse is also very important.

One can say, he or she should love me for me. And as great as that sounds, that doesn't mean to let themselves go either.

If wifee only wants sex 2 - 3x month and hubby needs sex almost every day, a middle ground must be reached. Sex 3 - 4x week would be about right instead of hubby having to masturbate 5x week because his wife isn't in the mood and not taking care of his needs.

For me, I love everything about my wife except for her size, not doing anything about it and being LD vanilla.

If she gained to 330+ lbs, I honestly wouldn't want to see her naked or have sex with her and I'm having issues what that already. Being honest here.

That is why I take care of myself for my health and for her.

I guess some people don't care about their bodies and how it affects their spouse.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Regret...40-20 and I have "an understanding". LOL!
> 
> He popped in on my other thread just to show off his awesome bod, and I appreciated it.
> 
> I am sorry, am I the only one who gets turned on by seeing naked people?


This exchange was entertaining. And, yes, we certainly do have that understanding. All in good fun! 

I also get turned on by gazing at the beauty that is the naked human body (of the female gender, in my case). 

And I wasn't nude in my avatar, but am proud of the rest of me, as well LOL.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

mineforever said:


> I would say your not really in love with your wife if that love is based on her weight.



But if you really love someone, you are going to be concerned about weight for health reasons, if nothing else.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> My hubs loves me for me.
> 
> Granted, he asked me out the first time because I had big boobs, but that was 36 yrs ago.
> 
> ...


But you're comparing apples and oranges. Medically necessary surgeries and normal aging are things you expect when you get married. But gaining a lot of weight is usually voluntary, and it sends a strong message to your partner that you've given up and just don't care what you look like anymore, and don't care about whether your partner is attracted to you. Big difference.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

40isthenew20 said:


> ...Just because our appearance changes over the years (I don't have as full a head of hair that I did like when we got married and she's not jumping ship for that) doesn't mean that we are still not the apple of our spouse's eye...


Well said.

In some ways - when I look at my wife I still see the same person I met 25 years ago. Yes indeed - some of the groceries have shifted around - for both of us no mistake there. Funny I dont weigh much more than I did when I was 20.. but man - it sure ain't the same. ;-)

I think that if there are already problems in a relationship - packing on 50 lbs may not help matters on both sides of the equation - its just another 'negative' to focus on. 'i used to be so happy and healthy' just as much as 'they used to take care of themselves' etc. At the same time I personally know some heavy, *perfectly* happy couples. It isnt a binary equation. Junk in the trunk does not mean 'unattractive', nor does ripped mean sexy. It doesnt work that way. A heavy 'slob' is still a slob or a pig and repulsive, a heavy beautiful person is still beautiful and smiling and happy and fun to be with and sexy. If you are ripped and an a$$ - you are still an a$$ and nobody cares how healthy you claim to be - nor do they want to bed you since you are just as repulsive as the fat pig.

and no - I dont think 'all things being equal, fat is worse' - sorry. Talk to me for 10 minutes - and then I will know how attractive I think you are. Jerks and Wonderful sexy people come in all shapes - and I'm not just being politically correct.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Theseus said:


> ... But gaining a lot of weight is usually voluntary, and it sends a strong message to your partner that you've given up and just don't care what you look like anymore, and don't care about whether your partner is attracted to you. Big difference.


Really? I dont agree with any of that.

I wouldnt be so sure about someones intentions and implied 'messages' just because they pack on some weight. 

To assume that they no longer care about anything that they have become sloth like and indifferent - thats a pretty narrow way to look at it - and to me jumps way too quickly at too many conclusions.

You start extrapolating and drawing direct lines about what is in your partners head or 'messages they are sending' based on some kind of supposition - you are going to have a bad time.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Suppressed said:


> Would you stick around while she lost weight? If so, how long would you give her?


Of course and as long as it takes


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I have often posted about my wife's tremendous weight gain (now weighing over 330lbs) and how that affects my attraction to her but to be completely honest with myself, it is all the other problems in our marriage that affect my attraction to her more than anything else.


Since we've been together for the better part of 12 years, her weight has varied by nearly 100 pounds. I've never really noticed the change all that much either way because it was gradual over time. 

When I had problems / reluctance to have intimate relations it was always because of an emotional issue that we needed to deal with and had nothing to do with my attraction to her.

Sorry I can't really give a great answer here. I've never lost attraction to her because of the weight gain. So I would be and am sticking around supporting her in her battle with her weight.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Suppressed said:


> Say your wife became overweight and you weren't attracted to her anymore. She's not withholding, she's actually HD like you are. It's your attitude and behaviour that's making the marriage sexless. To the point that you are very depressed because you're not getting laid and think that you don't really have a relationship anymore.
> 
> (Yeah, I know that might take some real imagining for some of you. )
> 
> ...


Positive re enforcement 

The more you lose the more you get


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

jdd said:


> Since we've been together for the better part of 12 years, her weight has varied by nearly 100 pounds. I've never really noticed the change all that much either way because it was gradual over time.
> 
> When I had problems / reluctance to have intimate relations it was always because of an emotional issue that we needed to deal with and had nothing to do with my attraction to her.
> 
> Sorry I can't really give a great answer here. I've never lost attraction to her because of the weight gain. So I would be and am sticking around supporting her in her battle with her weight.


That's good, I'm glad ... it is not a feeling I would want any couple to experience.

My wife weighed 165 lbs when I married her. I have never been adverse to somewhat overweight women. It isn't my preference but I fell in love with her for different reasons and it wasn't an issue. She is now at least 165lbs heavier over 20 years. We are very limited in how we can have sex because of how her weight is distributed. Some normal positions can't be accomplished. We don't sleep together because of weight related apnea and nerve damage that causes hers legs to shake at night. She is only 43. She is also not very sexual in the first place. Wonderful person ... just not sexual. She has never been the person to say or even think, "I really want to have sex right now" ... she's almost asexual in that way. She will have sex for affection but not because of a desire to have orgasm. Her weight is a problem. I can love and do love her for who she is but that does nothing to arouse me sexually. 

Now again I will contend that her weight isn't the most significant issue. It is an issue but we have bigger challenges.

... speaking of attraction ... she literally just farted and I heard it loud and clear ... I'm downstairs and she's upstairs right now ... nice! Oooh baby!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> That's good, I'm glad ... it is not a feeling I would want any couple to experience.
> 
> My wife weighed 165 lbs when I married her. I have never been adverse to somewhat overweight women. It isn't my preference but I fell in love with her for different reasons and it wasn't an issue. She is now at least 165lbs heavier over 20 years. We are very limited in how we can have sex because of how her weight is distributed. Some normal positions can't be accomplished. We don't sleep together because of weight related apnea and nerve damage that causes hers legs to shake at night. She is only 43. She is also not very sexual in the first place. Wonderful person ... just not sexual. She has never been the person to say or even think, "I really want to have sex right now" ... she's almost asexual in that way. She will have sex for affection but not because of a desire to have orgasm. Her weight is a problem. I can love and do love her for who she is but that does nothing to arouse me sexually.
> 
> ...


She can get that weight off and her life depends upon it. Think about how many problems are weight induced. Painful back, joints, blood pressure, lowered life, stress, depression, diabetes, etc, etc. She may as well stop BS'ing and do it for herself.

Give herself a cool year to get it off, with about 10 lbs a month coming off, probably 20 lb or more in the first month from getting active.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

treyvion said:


> She can get that weight off and her life depends upon it. Think about how many problems are weight induced. Painful back, joints, blood pressure, lowered life, stress, depression, diabetes, etc, etc. She may as well stop BS'ing and do it for herself.
> 
> Give herself a cool year to get it off, with about 10 lbs a month coming off, probably 20 lb or more in the first month from getting active.


I know ... that's preaching to the choir. She has just been diagnosed with diabetes. 

Even that hasn't lit a fire under her. She has to want to do it ... I can't make her.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I know ... that's preaching to the choir. She has just been diagnosed with diabetes.
> 
> Even that hasn't lit a fire under her. She has to want to do it ... I can't make her.


She doesnt' even have to be in the gym or anything. An hour walk per day coupled with dietery modifications and weight will fall off painlessly.

Her hunger will decrease, too if intake is a problem, it doesn't even take very long either - about 3 weeks will do it.

She could start it with a water or very light dietery "fast", and end the fast with moderated food while she executes her excersize regiment.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

treyvion said:


> She doesnt' even have to be in the gym or anything. An hour walk per day coupled with dietery modifications and weight will fall off painlessly.
> 
> Her hunger will decrease, too if intake is a problem, it doesn't even take very long either - about 3 weeks will do it.
> 
> She could start it with a water or very light dietery "fast", and end the fast with moderated food while she executes her excersize regiment.


I know. I have made fitness a hobby for years. She knows exactly what she has to do ... she just doesn't want to. It makes no sense and nothing I've told her makes any difference.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I know. I have made fitness a hobby for years. She knows exactly what she has to do ... she just doesn't want to. It makes no sense and nothing I've told her makes any difference.


Your out there like a true evangelist and she's not getting it.


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## greystorm (Mar 31, 2011)

Actually, I have the opposite issue.

When I met my wife, 9 years ago, she was a 14-16. She always called herself fat. (I think most women do if they are over a size 4- or so I think).

Anyway, I fell hard for her. Everything about her. I have always loved a curvy woman. in fact, she always said that I wouldn't like her because she was heavy. (yes, we met online). But, boy was she wrong. To me, she was gorgeous. I loved the way she dressed.. she was a bit eclectic and because she felt fat, she dressed conservative.. except for her cleavage.. she was proud of that .

Well, fast forward a couple years and we have a baby, and she gets very big. Its funny, (or maybe not so funny). but I never noticed how big she got.. she was still so sexy to me. I don't know why it was that case.. She went to like a 26 or something like that... 

Anyway, while she wasn't technically in the "insurance covered" arena for "lapband" she convinced me it would be better for her health. At the time I just didn't see the need. But it was her call. So, we paid out of our pocket for the lapband.

She was a poster patient for it. She lost weight and lost and lost and lost... Orignally she said, she wanted to get to 10-12, which would have been perfect for me. (in face, when she did hit that range.. the pictures I have of that show her to be the most attractive.. to EVERYONE). But alas, that wasn't enough.. so she kept losing... 

She is now between a 4 & 6.. mostly 4. She has changed so much about herself. She no longer dresses eclectic, or conservative. Now, its all the latest trends.. and the tighter the better. In my eyes, when she gets dressed for work, shopping, taking our son for a walk, whatever the reason she has to leave the house, she puts on the best she has.. I see a 25 yr old single woman going out on a date, ever time I see her leave the house. Not an almost 40's something mom of a 6 yr old. Now, I thought mabye I was jealous.. she sure thought that was my problem. But it was more... when we met, she was HD.. when the baby came she was ND.. she is now pretty LD 2x a month is a great month. She says she feels so good about her self, but why such the HUGE drop.

But what is worse... if I met her, the way she looks today, I wouldn't have given her a second look she is so small, pettite, bony.... In fact, I gave her a back massage the other day (something We used to do a lot) and I had a very difficult time doing so. Her back felt like a light piece of skin over ribs.. I could feel every single rib, and very little flesh. 

I have tried to talk to her about it.. (btw, she is still in the weight loss mode, but its not going nearly as fast as it was, but size pants - sparkly butt type she bought 2 weeks ago, that were so tight if she had a dime in her pocket I could tell what year. These pants are now starting to look baggy, and thus time to get new ones.

She thins I am jealous, and in some ways I am.. she is so happy with how she looks, but she only looks that way when she is out of the house, with me or without me.. in the house, its the old sweat-pj's.

I love her... but physically, I am not attracted to her any more. In fact, a bit put off because of the protruding bones. People see her in her tight hot cloths and they think wow,,, that guy is lucky. I don't feel so lucky. She feels great about herself.... Me, .... as much as the words hurt.. she just doesn't do it for me. I have tried everything to tell her.. the easy way, the polite way.. even went to a marriage counselor for a year...

but, she still wants to be small... petite.. bones... she still wants that 20's' something look.

I want the girl I fell in love with. She doesn't exist anymore. But we have a 6 yr old. How do I make any change, even though she refuses to meet me even a little way... if she would get back to a size 8 - 10... I would be estacitc.. as I said.. the best pictures I have over the past 4 years of when she was a 10/12. and all her family agree. She was GORGEOUS... now.. she looks like a skeleton with skin... tight cloths hides that, and all peopel see is a hot chick.

I see the end.... and I don't want it.


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## KAM1959 (Aug 28, 2013)

Lets be up front about the truth in body changes. There are many more factors that cause women to gain weight more than men. First on the list is giving birth there is almost always extra weight left. Then age followed by simple biology. In honesty we all change physically, male or female. That being said if the only thing effecting sex is weight then I would ask how long have you been married. If he thinks you should have the shape of a Vogue Model then he is not living in the real world. 
Those "sexy perfect shape models" abuse their bodies to stay that way 90% of the time. They are not the norm they are the exception. Furthermore, who did he marry you or some ideal? If he married you than it should not matter, the only thing that should matter is that you are there for him. But if he married an ideal than he is throwing things away! 
As far as losing weight goes the only way you will really achieve it is as you said doing it for yourself. If you want to make changes than "more power to you", that is great. So good luck and stick with it. 
As for myself, as a man, the only time weight would become an issue is when it is absolutely unhealthy (275 lbs. and higher) then it is important but not for sex but because I want my wife to live as long as I do. Simply put for good health.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

That is a very interesting (and sad) story, greystrom.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

greystorm said:


> Actually, I have the opposite issue.
> 
> When I met my wife, 9 years ago, she was a 14-16. She always called herself fat. (I think most women do if they are over a size 4- or so I think).
> 
> ...


Love this post. Proves the point that for every man that wants a stick figure for a wife there's a man what want's a woman that looks like a woman, not a teenage girl. My husband would be just as upset if I turned into a size 4 as if I turned into a size 24.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

when i met my wife she was about 165, now she's about 190 (+25lbs). Completely honest, I am attracted to her a bit less, but she's still fabulous to me. I certainly don't love her any less.

The problem is I eat like a horse and she has trouble eating a small amount because of me, even though she eats 1/3 of what I do.

Also, she works really long hours, gets up 6-630 am does her work phone calls, leaves for work, gets home about 6:00 then does more work at home. Somehow before me, she was able to swim several times a week, but she just hasn't been able to swim at all because of work, hence the weight gain.

Our sex is fine now, but if she gets any bigger it might become a problem.

I will love her no matter what and would NEVER leave her over just that, but our sex lives might suffer.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

btw, like several of the men posters in this thread, i am not attracted to skinny women. Just personal taste of course. I really like some baby fat and curvy. 

I see skinny women on the street, even gorgeous ones, and I'd take the chunky ones over them, face being equal.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

My wife's weight has fluctuated wildly over the course of our 15-yr marriage. If she were just a booty call, that would have caused problems but that's not why I married her. She's still overweight and the only reason it bothers me is that I worry about her health. Resentment and lack of communication have historically been much bigger attraction-killers than weight, by an order of magnitude.

So to the OP, yes, I would stand by her during her weight loss for a very long time and still want to be frisky ... until she started pissing me off for other reasons - which she would. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> when i met my wife she was about 165, now she's about 190 (+25lbs). Completely honest, I am attracted to her a bit less, but she's still fabulous to me. I certainly don't love her any less.
> 
> The problem is I eat like a horse and she has trouble eating a small amount because of me, even though she eats 1/3 of what I do.
> 
> ...


I get what everbody is saying. But I have come to the opinion that extreme weight is disrespectful to the relationship.

I gained alot of weight and I know (she never said this ) that it diminished my attraction to her sexually.How could it not? I looked like sh!t.

Well I lost alot of it (She never said a word of this either) and the attraction has increased.

So if we expect our relationships to be at thier best, we should look our best. For both of us.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

So many people make the mistake of letting themselves go once they are married. That's when you should want to look your best and not forego your good habits for bad ones. 

And if doing it for your spouse isn't enough to get your ass in gear, then have some personal pride and do it for yourself.


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## scientia (Aug 27, 2012)

For most of my marriage (until her terminal illness), my wife weighed between 250 and 260 lbs. Her weight was never an issue with me. I have since dated women of average weight and women as heavy as 300 lbs. It is still not an issue for me. I can't imagine that being heavy or being skinny would prevent me from being attracted to someone I was really close to.

It is true though that at some point, extra weight makes sex difficult. I've never actually heard of a woman who could not have sex at all although when you are left with a single position, that might get boring. Extra weight for men will eventually prevent sex altogether although penetration can become impractical sooner than this.

However, I have heard of men who lost desire due to a gain of only 20 lbs or due to stretch marks or breasts that were not as firm after having children. These things to be expected and have never bothered me. Everyone gets older. Assuming that body size is not enough to interfere with having sex, I don't really identify with men who lose desire.


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## LosingButStillFighting (Oct 25, 2009)

I've got every aspect of this situation except for her desire to improve. She never lost weight from the first baby and only twice had the drive to try losing it. I supported her every time she would mention fitness, but never once asked or suggested she should lose weight. A change like that has to come from within, like many have mentioned. Trying to make your spouse change for you will only cause resentment.

I would give her as long as she wants as long as she's trying for self-improvement, but the weight isn't really the issue. The trouble goes farther than the bathroom scale. I've heard many men complain about their wives' weight because it's an easy external thing to focus on. I will admit I'm much less attracted to my wife, but only in part because of her weight. And I know my attitude is a factor. The final part is her lack of participation in the intimacy process. I don't feel being graphic will help, so I'll just say she's not much of a team player. When she's done, we're done. Still, I've spent a great deal of thought and energy trying to make her feel appreciated, desired, and as sexy as I can. I don't get any of it back. When I first started paying more attention to her to get things back on track, she was suspicious and grilled me on it. I gave her the no BS explanation of what I was doing. For the next 6 months she bathed in the attention, but no change in attitude. For the next 3 months, I was looking for a return on my investment (bad choice of words, but best I can think of) in the way of her making an advance or some kind of reciprocal attention. When my attention started to wane from exhaustion and discouragement, the reaction was worse than the original suspicion. From accusations of it being all an act to infidelity and other stuff.

I got off topic, sorry, this shouldn't be about me. I have a hard time believing it's the weight, it's just an easy target. If he's willing to leave because of a dress size or a number on the scale, good riddance. Don't waste any more precious life on him. I know someone's weight can bother their own self-esteem; mine does, but I continue to work on both. I take care of myself the best I can, try to look as good as I can. And I tell myself that I'm doing my best to be as appealing as I can.

My thoughts based on what I wish from my wife, whom I still love dearly. Be good to yourself. Do what you feel is best for you, if that's losing weight, great! Take care of yourself the best you can. Wear outfits you feel you look good in, you don't have to go out and buy things. If makeup and perfume helps, do that, too. And when you're feeling particularly good about yourself, make an advance and see what happens. Trust me, I know it's difficult to put yourself out there and get shot down. If it happens and becomes a pattern, you've got a place to start with some counseling. If he's not into it or refuses, you may want to consider showing him the door. Either way, I want you to feel good about you and not think you have to gain someone else's approval. To recap, I'd give a spouse as much time for self-improvement as they want, but it shouldn't be an ultimatum type of thing.

Good luck.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

In mid 40's here...my wife gained weight after birth and never lost it...she was not obese or severly over weight and the physical attraction never died with the weight gain, hell if anything, the added bra cup and curves made her more attractive to me...unfortunately now she is gaining weight at an alarming rate and attraction is suffering...cant help it if I am not attracted to a woman who eats too much, doesnt exercise, and doesnt care enough about her health to get off the couch, turn off the tv, put down the pringles and go work out...

We have friends who's wife gained an enormous amount of weight after marriage and 2 child births...this girl was petite and now 12 years later she is morbidly obese...and she has VERY high sex drive and never stops complaining about how her husband wont f*** her anymore...the girls all commiscerate and talk about what a selfish ******* he is, BUT the guys just look at her and refrain from commenting on whats really happening...for the record her husband NEVER complains to us about her alarming weight gain, or total lack of activity...but I cant imagine having sex with that, its repuslive...


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## Quaintrelle (May 13, 2012)

Oh, wow. I've been looking at other threads on the site and not looking at my own! I didn't get any email notifications, so I didn't think anyone replied. Sorry, didn't mean to disappear.

A few people have asked questions. I will answer them in a short while and tell you more about my story once I've had the chance to read over everything everyone has posted.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

My wife is overweight, and I still think she is hot. As a matter of fact I just got a woody thinking about her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Suppressed said:


> Say your wife became overweight and you weren't attracted to her anymore. She's not withholding, she's actually HD like you are. It's your attitude and behaviour that's making the marriage sexless. To the point that you are very depressed because you're not getting laid and think that you don't really have a relationship anymore.
> 
> (Yeah, I know that might take some real imagining for some of you. )
> 
> ...


All the time in the world, until she gives up on herself. If she is eating well, sleeping well, getting some exercise and not abusing alcohol or drugs ... what's not to like? My W has been from 140 to 115 lbs over the past 25 yrs. I really didn't notice much of a difference because she has always been healthy. For me though, emotional connection trumps physical attraction 5x times over.

At midlife, you look at this question very differently. You realize that half your time is gone, and you have a lot left to do. Your partner can't do these things for you, they are no longer an extension or completion of yourself. You learn to appreciate them for their "otherness": spiritually, physically, intellectually, emotionally and socially. The physical side is not unimportant, but it is less important than 10-20 yrs ago. I've learned more about admiration and appreciation in the last 2 yrs than in the previous 20 yrs. Kindest Regards-


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Love and lust are two different things, IMO. I think there might be a point where the attraction would diminish and eventually end with a large weight gain, but I would still love her personality, attitudes, and intelligence. I would certainly try much harder to sustain the attraction if the weight gain were beyond her control and she was doing everything possible to manage it - if it were in her control, then I'd probably lose respect for her, and that would likely start us down a path to the end.

Since this has never happened, I can only speculate how I'd respond. We've faced serious disabilities, illnesses, injuries, and cancer without any problems, but large weight gains have never been part of that.


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## Quaintrelle (May 13, 2012)

greystorm said:


> Actually, I have the opposite issue.
> 
> When I met my wife, 9 years ago, she was a 14-16. She always called herself fat. (I think most women do if they are over a size 4- or so I think).
> 
> ...


Oh, Greystorm. Before I reply to anybody else about my story, I want to address yours. I think I have some understanding of where she's coming from.

I don't know how you broach this, but she probably needs to see a counselor of some kind. She might have some kind of body dismorphic disorder and maybe not quite realise how far gone she is. I also know that when you lose a lot of weight when you are quite large, you get a bit addicted to the success. It's like a high that you always want more of.

The other way I equate this with my story - I'm a cancer survivor, which I'll elaborate on when I tell more about me. And in terms of what it did/does to my femininity, well it just robs you of everything. I lost my hair. I had a great rack and now one breast is disfigured from the surgery. And I've lost my body because of the drugs I have had to take and continue to take. The one thing I could get back easily was my hair. Apart from little trims to keep it healthy, I haven't cut it in four years. I always had short hair, but after being bald for over a year, I've gone all "I MUST HAVE ALL. THE. HAIR." I like having long hair now, I like what I can do with it and I like how it looks on me. But for sure, I started growing it long as a kind of way to compensate for what went before and was not going to stop. Maybe your wife's weight is to her what my hair is to me?

Does that make sense at all?


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## Quaintrelle (May 13, 2012)

Thanks everyone for your feedback. There's been some very helpful insights here. Here's my story. It's been going on for a while, I posted here about it a long time ago, but it's recently hit a flashpoint.

I'm 5'3" and currently 244lbs. I've recently lost about 16lbs. I'm aiming to get down around 160. Still a ways to go, but it's been a good, positive beginning and I'm doing well. My partner and I are not married, but have been living together as a couple for almost 8 years. In my mind, the level of commitment was no different, so for the sake of this forum I'll refer to him as "H" like everyone else does. We are both HD. We do not have kids. I'm well groomed, I look after my hair, makeup, clothes and hygiene. I'm fat, but I like to think I'm put together reasonably well.

Five years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and frankly, this is where the trouble started. We were normal and happy before that. A few niggling problems, but just the normal kind of stuff any committed couple faces. I was able to keep the breast that had the tumour, but it is now disfigured as a result of the surgery. It was a hormonally sensitive cancer, so part of my treatment (and still ongoing treatment) involves drugs that have made me put on weight. I don't shirk my responsibility there - if I'm honest, the weight gain is about 80% drugs and 20% me. I don't have an alcohol problem but I am fond of a drink, but alcohol just makes me put on weight like nothing else. So I've quit drinking as well, and it's working.

What happened to my breast was hard enough for H to handle, as was my appearance during chemo, but the weight gain over the last few years has been the real kicker. He started withholding sex from me and was very blunt, cruel even, about how he had lost all sexual attraction for me. (And with both of us HD! It's sheer hell!) He has given me fair warning, I suppose, that I needed to lose weight. He never did it with love and dignity though, always anger. I've had a few attempts at losing weight over the years but they didn't last, because I was doing it for him and not myself. I finally am doing it for myself now, and I've found a good plan that works for me. I'm back at the gym and actually enjoying it all with a sense of accomplishment. There's nothing like success to keep you going.

The flashpoint came very recently - after I had started this new regime, to add insult to injury - when H embarked on a brief EA with a work colleague, which he has told me about. That resulted in a passionate kiss and the OW proposing to make it a PA. He didn't go there, though he made it clear to me that he wanted to. He's blameshifting that to me (yes, I know I am not responsible for his choice and he is blameshifting, I see that ), which also doesn't make it fun. And the latest thing is that he's thinking he will move out. And, you know, on top of all this, the niggling problems we had before have not been dealt with and been blown out of proportion because without the sex, there's been no other kind of intimacy, leading to lost connection, leading to lack of will to do anything about dealing with any other issues in a productive way.

When I wrote the first post, he'd basically said he would think about giving me time to lose the weight before he moved out, but that there would be a deadline. Hence my original question - how long would *you* give someone in my situation?

Things have changed a bit since then. He's in IC, I'm about to start IC and we are going to start MC in about a month. There's hope we can resolve this, but while I am optimistic and 100% committed to the process, I don't allow myself to hope too much. Hope for the best, expect the worst. My motto.

So, that's me. Thank you everybody for your comments, they've been really valuable in helping me understand a few things.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

So sorry you had to go thru that. My only comment is lose weight for you. Work on making yourself happy. Ok maybe a second comment: he doesn't deserve a LADY like you. Congratulations on kicking cancers azz. Ok ok 3 comments, so sue me!


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Thound said:


> So sorry you had to go thru that. My only comment is lose weight for you. Work on making yourself happy. Ok maybe a second comment: he doesn't deserve a LADY like you. Congratulations on kicking cancers azz. Ok ok 3 comments, so sue me!


THIS...lose the weight for YOU...chance are however that you will want him less and less with every shedded pound

I totally inderstand wanting my spouse to be healthy, and wanting sexual attraction to remain...I cant MAKE myself be attracted to someone who gains a lot of weight, but I can NOT understand being cruel about it

when my wife started gaining at an alarming rate, I took over shopping and cooking ( to be more helful and relieve stress) and stopped buying crap, started making better meals and healthier choices...this didnt stop her from living at taco bell for lunch or buying pringles, doughnuts, and doritos and keeping them at work, hiding them at home

I also talked her into joining a gym with me, and working out with me...that lasted a month...and she was hell bent on working out at different times than me (schedules were the reason) ...um, you scan in to work out, and I can check when she scanned in...she stopped working out...even when she worked out with me, I had to coax her from machine to machine and she was miserable, didnt want to be there

I cant make her be healthy...im done...now we have a child and heart disease runs in both families...she needs to lose that weight before her daughter loses her mom...im hoping that motivation will do it, but doesnt look that way

you cant stop yourself from losing sexual attraction for someone...all you can do is lovingly try to help them, but they gotta do it for themselves...eating right and working out regularly is a major life change and its very hard...cant do it hald arsed


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I love my wife no matter what the scale states. She on the other has lets the scale dictate her emotional well being. 
.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

mineforever said:


> I would say your not really in love with your wife if that love is based on her weight.


I tend to agree to the point that if a spouse gets obese and its just damn disgusting, what are you to do? Pretend it doesn't bother you?

I'd say that I'd still have sex with my wife(if I were married again) if she gained weight. Even if she gained a lot to the point of obesity, but it would be unattractive. That's just the cold hard truth.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

I wouldn't want to f*ck my H if he was a cruel jerk about my weight gain, regardless of the starting, middle *or* end point of that gain/loss. He *told* you about the EA with that arrogance?

There's a part of me that opes you curb _him_. Keep doing what you're doing; working out does make us feel strong.

(That said, I'm 20lbs heavier than the average weight I was at when we married, and sex has dropped off, not by my choice. It wouldn't hurt as much if it hadn't happened just after he lost a ton of weight. When he desires me and communicates that desire, I feel wanted, and that drives me to lose, in addition to not feeling so achey from the weight itself. What I know is that sex problems are always, without fail (IME) a _symptom_ of relationship problems, not the cause.)


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## HardLanden (Oct 31, 2013)

Suppressed said:


> Say your wife became overweight and you weren't attracted to her anymore. She's not withholding, she's actually HD like you are. It's your attitude and behaviour that's making the marriage sexless. To the point that you are very depressed because you're not getting laid and think that you don't really have a relationship anymore.
> 
> (Yeah, I know that might take some real imagining for some of you. )
> 
> ...


This happened with my ex, except both of us being HD, the sex remained excellent throughout the weight gain. To put in perspective, she went from 130 lbs at 20 years old to a high of 200 lbs at about 35. There were a couple of pregnancies. She lost about 50 lbs over the next 3 years and was looking pretty good and was feeling good about herself by 38 years old.

Then, she became curious about women. At first, I was horrified. When she explained that we could share her new interest, I was unable to resist. That was a mistake. Next thing I know, she was contacting other men. We went to MC. 

There, I learned that she had body image issues because her boobs were not how she wanted them to be. She also wanted to move back "home" out of state. MC said that if I wanted to save the marriage, then I would have to move our family back home and get her a boob job. A year later, we moved and she got the boob job ans some scultping on the mid-section.

At that point, she was 135 lbs and smokin hot -- even moreso than on our wedding day. Two years later, she filed for divorce and left me for another man. I was blindsided. 

This is what can happen if you give in to 3some temptation and fail to seek a second opinion from a second MC. Take care to understand her motivation for losing weight.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Suppressed said:


> When I wrote the first post, he'd basically said he would think about giving me time to lose the weight before he moved out, but that there would be a deadline. Hence my original question - how long would *you* give someone in my situation?


I think that setting a deadline if clear progress is being made is counterproductive. He should be supporting you in your efforts.

My husband has always been overweight but is now ridiculously huge. (not far off 400 pounds). We had problems in the marriage for years and I went from 154 pounds (I'm 5 foot 10 tall) to over 240. I tried various diets but put the weight straight back on.

Over this last year I have lost over 60 pounds and am now in fairly reasonable shape; though there is a bit still to go I would not look good at the weight I was when I was 20. I did it for me; to be honest because I was about to call time on the marriage. I am fairly HD, he has always been fairly LD and the marriage had been utterly sexless for over 3 years.

Well, we didn't split up. He said he would address the sex issues - turns out he needs Viagra. He also promised to lose weight (of his own volition) and although he is making some efforts it isn't really happening. The size of him is pretty grim but I did not ask him to lose weight for the sake of the marriage, nor would I. I support his efforts and any small achievement. If I said to him that he had to lose 60 pounds over the next year or I was leaving, I might just as well leave now.


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