# I want a second car. He doesn't.



## laniegirl84 (Sep 3, 2013)

Hello everyone. My husband and I have been married for four years and have one child. When we got married, I had my own car which he convinced me to get rid of (he had just bought a brand new car, and mine was not always reliable). It worked because at the time we lived in a place where he could walk to work. He told me at the time that we would get a second car the following year. Then it became two years. Then it became when we paid off the first car. Now the first car is paid off, and he is saying he wants to wait another year. I know he is worried about finances (we do have debts, but we are hardly living paycheck to paycheck, or even having to cut back on anything), but I just started a full time job three months ago, so our combined income has nearly doubled. We now live a few miles from work, so he has to drop off me and our child when he goes to work, then pick us up at the end of the day. If one of us goes out, the other is stuck at home with no car. It just feels unnecessary. I have been bringing it up to him, but he gets defensive and refuses to have a conversation. There is an age difference between us, and I feel like he has taken over the "leader" role, and I have let him. I don't know how to break out of the passive role and assert my right to have a say over our finances. I don't want to just go out and buy a car without him, but I am tired of waiting for him to make a decision. He went back and forth for six months before deciding not to upgrade his cell phone, so he doesn't make big or little decisions at all. I pick out and buy my own presents. When I finally upgraded my phone without him, he gave me the silent treatment for a few days. The only reason we have a child is because of a slip in birth control. I just can't understand why we don't ever get to make moves forward in our lives.


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## laniegirl84 (Sep 3, 2013)

No, he's not really controlling. I have a much more active social life than he does, and he supports me when I have book clubs, gym classes, girls night out, etc. He doesn't even check our purchases (I'm the one who has a daily bank statement). So, he is actually a really great husband. The issues arise when we need to make any decision. He puts things off indefinitely. Buying a house. Having another child. Getting a new car. Getting a new phone. He made three trips to the store before buying his last jacket because he wanted to make sure he really liked it. He just does not make decisions.


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## laniegirl84 (Sep 3, 2013)

You are probably right. I don't assert myself.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Honda has a lease program that will land you in a new Civic for about $150/month and $2k down if make them deal and have good credit, and it has a clause in it where you can bring the car back if you lose your job. Things are slow and they want to move cars, so the lease really only costs about $500 more over the term of payments if you lease then buyout via a 3 year loan, vs. purchase with a 5 year loan(again good credit of course). The used car market is stupid in our area, $15k for a used one with only a couple to chose from, and instead we negotiated down to $16,700 for a brand new LX and got to pick from a row of 30+ cars with 3 miles on them.
3 months working isn't that long, after several years of a crap economy and seeing so many people that bought new everything during the boom lose it all, I can understand his cautious approach. Understand that he's likely this way in the best interest of your family, not in spite of, or to control you.
It's our job as the man and head of household to make sure that under the worse case scenario(both on unemployment) they'll be a roof over your heads and food on the table, you know?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

You said you got a job of your own. Fine, then tell him you are getting a second car, and you would prefer if he helps you pick it out, but if not you will get it yourself. Pay for it solely from the money from your new job so he doesn't have standing to criticize you. You assert your rights simply by being an adult and doing things yourself. You don't have to get in his face about it, nor do you even have to convince him of anything. Your'e an adult.

If he gives you the silent treatment again, remind him that you both agreed to get another car years ago, so you are only fulfilling that agreement.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> He also picked you to marry because you are passive.





Mavash. said:


> Look it's fear based. He puts things off out of fear. He keeps you from having a car out of fear.



Mavash, I suspect you are projecting here. The OP's husband is not your husband (or whatever man you imagine he is). You are assuming a lot of things about someone you don't even know.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

laniegirl84 said:


> No, he's not really controlling. I have a much more active social life than he does, and he supports me when I have book clubs, gym classes, girls night out, etc. He doesn't even check our purchases (I'm the one who has a daily bank statement). So, he is actually a really great husband. The issues arise when we need to make any decision. He puts things off indefinitely. Buying a house. Having another child. Getting a new car. Getting a new phone. He made three trips to the store before buying his last jacket because he wanted to make sure he really liked it. He just does not make decisions.


I would almost consider an Individual councilor for him. It sounds like he has a fear of spending money. maybe a good thing to do would be for the both of you to sit down and work out a budget. Give you and a him a set amount of cash to blow. If you want a new car sit down and show him on paper that there will be plenty of cash left over even after the car you want is purchased.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Yes. Tell him you need a car for your work and are going to get one.


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## laniegirl84 (Sep 3, 2013)

3 months working isn't that long, after several years of a crap economy and seeing so many people that bought new everything during the boom lose it all, I can understand his cautious approach. Understand that he's likely this way in the best interest of your family, not in spite of, or to control you.
It's our job as the man and head of household to make sure that under the worse case scenario(both on unemployment) they'll be a roof over your heads and food on the table, you know?[/QUOTE]


Thanks for the heads up on the car terms. I hadn't known about the Honda thing, but I want an SUV or a crossover as a family car. 

And I know he is worried about providing for us. He just won't actually come up with a financial plan. I have sat down with a budget plan with him and the conversation never went anywhere. I don't even recall if he actually looked at the thing. And our jobs are pretty secure. He is tenured faculty of a university and my job is for the same university (but a mile from where his building is), which didn't actually have to downsize at all in the bad economy. I know "things happen", but we actually feel really secure in our careers.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

just go buy yourself a car.

you work. be reasonable it doesn't have to be new buy late model used.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your situation has changed, therefore, your NEEDS have changed. Its can be pretty difficult to have a full time job and juggle drop-off/pick up of the kids with only one vehicle. I can understand how your husband can be indecisive, I can be the same way about the stupidest little things. But, when it comes to the bigger things, need and common sense win. You need your own car, you can afford your own car, so go get yourself a car.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

My husband went bonkers when I said I wanted a car. I had for years let him take the lead in everything and for some reason he really took against the car idea. But I needed a car to transport myself and my dogs to activities and such which he was not prepared to drive us to.

In the end I just said to hell with it and bought the damn car. Once the decision had been made he settled down really quickly.

I think the suggestion that you simply tell him you need a car, you can afford one and you would like his help to pick one but that you will just do it on your own if he prefers is a good one.

I think you probably need to plough on with asserting yourself a bit more and if he gets huffy just try to ignore it.


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## laniegirl84 (Sep 3, 2013)

Instead of passively mentioning how great a car would be, I sat H down and told him I wanted one. He told me no. Flat out. No. He says we will never pay down our debts if we get a car. I told him we haven't paid them off in four years, and I didn't see it happening whether I got a car or not. And now we have no payment, so it isn't like it would make a difference. I also pointed out that the car is in his name only. The credit card debt precedes me, and I feel like I am being punished and I have only ever had one credit card, a store card, that is paid off in full at the end of every month. I also told him I had been looking forward to getting a car for all of these years while I waited for him to pay the first one off. I even tried the whole "you promised" angle. I even cried. He walked away without a word to me. And the answer was still "no".


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

laniegirl84 said:


> Instead of passively mentioning how great a car would be, I sat H down and told him I wanted one. He told me no. Flat out. No. He says we will never pay down our debts if we get a car. I told him we haven't paid them off in four years, and I didn't see it happening whether I got a car or not. And now we have no payment, so it isn't like it would make a difference. I also pointed out that the car is in his name only. The credit card debt precedes me, and I feel like I am being punished and I have only ever had one credit card, a store card, that is paid off in full at the end of every month. I also told him I had been looking forward to getting a car for all of these years while I waited for him to pay the first one off. I even tried the whole "you promised" angle. I even cried. He walked away without a word to me. And the answer was still "no".


I would say you want to be involved in all finicanl matter conserning your family. 

if he balks start your own checking accout and buy a car and manage your own bills.

whats he hiding? start snooping I smell a rat. why hasn't he paid down the cards like he said?


somethings not right.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Go buy yourself a car. If he divorces you over a car, you didnt have much to begin with. This sounds selfish and controlling to me.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

laniegirl84 said:


> Thanks for the heads up on the car terms. I hadn't known about the Honda thing, but I want an SUV or a crossover as a family car.
> 
> And I know he is worried about providing for us. He just won't actually come up with a financial plan. I have sat down with a budget plan with him and the conversation never went anywhere. I don't even recall if he actually looked at the thing. And our jobs are pretty secure. He is tenured faculty of a university and my job is for the same university (but a mile from where his building is), which didn't actually have to downsize at all in the bad economy. I know "things happen", but we actually feel really secure in our careers.


How much debt are we talking here if you don't mind. I'm curious. I don't think any of us can say he's being controlling or not without an idea of the amount of debt.
Credit cards and non-mortgage debt typically hit you for a lot of interest. Keep in mind that if you have a 7% rate on a debt you pay for 7 years, you'll pack back roughly DOUBLE what you borrowed. For my family's best interest I would want these paid off the sooner the better.


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## laniegirl84 (Sep 3, 2013)

It is a significant amount. About 33% of our total income. We make a combined 90,000/year. We don't have cable. Our rent is extremely cheap ($825). We don't eat out (or if we do, it is like a $5.00 pizza). We now have no car payment. I'm the only one with a smart phone, but that bill is only like $50 a month (his is paid for by work). Our furniture is hand-me-down stuff. We don't have fancy gadgets. It's not like we blow money on junk. I'm not sure why the crad is not paid off by now. Every time we get extra money, he says he is going to make a huge payment, but it never seems to happen. He just would rather let money sit in our checking account than use it to pay off things (and I have a hard time seeing a bunch of money sitting there for months and not feeling like we are financially secure). I once tried to move 3,000 to our savings and he got angry and panicky that we were going to be out of money. When he gets reimbursed for travel (the main reason he uses the card), he doesn't use that money to pay the card. He just lets the money sit there in the account. And it is all his card. In his name. I don't have log in information to pay it myself.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

laniegirl84 said:


> It is a significant amount. About 33% of our total income. We make a combined 90,000/year. We don't have cable. Our rent is extremely cheap ($825). We don't eat out (or if we do, it is like a $5.00 pizza). We now have no car payment. I'm the only one with a smart phone, but that bill is only like $50 a month (his is paid for by work). Our furniture is hand-me-down stuff. We don't have fancy gadgets. It's not like we blow money on junk. I'm not sure why the crad is not paid off by now. Every time we get extra money, he says he is going to make a huge payment, but it never seems to happen. He just would rather let money sit in our checking account than use it to pay off things (and I have a hard time seeing a bunch of money sitting there for months and not feeling like we are financially secure). I once tried to move 3,000 to our savings and he got angry and panicky that we were going to be out of money. When he gets reimbursed for travel (the main reason he uses the card), he doesn't use that money to pay the card. He just lets the money sit there in the account. And it is all his card. In his name. I don't have log in information to pay it myself.


So you're in $30k of debt. That's a lot of money, and a lot of interest. That really does need to be paid down before you add another $15-$20k of debt for a car if you're able to manage, albeit with challenges, with one car right now.

But if he's so weird with money and doesn't even pay off his credit cards with the travel reimbursement from his job, those charges are accumulating more and more debt. That is crazy stupid. Why would he let the money sit in checking instead of using it to pay off the cards? 

He needs a financial intervention of some sort because he is apparently terrible with money! He's going to sink both of you under the circumstances if he can't part with a penny while racking up more and more debt and interest charges.


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## laniegirl84 (Sep 3, 2013)

I know that the 30k is a lot. It hurts to type it. Four years ago, it was 12K. I was told then that we needed to buckle down to pay it off. Not only did that not happen (though we gave up everything but food and diapers), but it is now more than doubled. He travels a ton for work, and they only reimburse for the expenses. The expenses always do get reimbursed, I see the deposits. The money just never gets moved to the credit card. We had an influx of 10K this last month. I told him I wanted him to use every bit of it on the card. He paid 2k, and left the rest in the account. I have no idea why. For someone who says he wants to pay everything off he certainly is not in any hurry. 

So....I'm sick of waiting. I'm sick of pretending that we are doing anything at all to move forward in our lives. But I need a car. I am sick of being stuck at work all day. I can't leave early, or use my lunch to run errands. I can't make lunch dates with friends. I am almost always late because all three of us have to be ready and leave at the same time, and we have to drop off our child at preschool first, then me, and then my H comes home to work or goes to his office. If one of us goes to see a relative or friend, the other person is stuck with no car (we don't live anywhere close enough to walk). 

Once, during a fight early in marriage, I threatened to leave, and he pointed out to me that the car was in his name, and I wasn't allowed to take it. I never want to feel that powerless again. I'm not planning on leaving. Divorce is also something we can't afford and is not any kind of option physically or emotionally. But I want to be able to feel like I am staying because I want to, not because I have to.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Why in the world are you allowing HIM to stay in control of the finances?? Clearly something needs to change here! All those reimbursement deposits....where are they going? Are they in your savings? Or is he out blowing money somewhere that you maybe dont know about? This is insane. I cant tell if he is just insecure when it comes to having/not having money, or if he is doing this just to control you...but I think its high time that YOU took over paying the expenses!


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## pinktrees11 (Jun 8, 2013)

Open up your own savings account and start saving for a down payment and buy yourself a car.

I think your husband has some sort of phobia concerning spending money. You should not enable this and by not putting your foot down about the care, you are.


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## pinktrees11 (Jun 8, 2013)

*car


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## totallywarped (Jan 26, 2013)

laniegirl84 said:


> Instead of passively mentioning how great a car would be, I sat H down and told him I wanted one. He told me no. Flat out. No. He says we will never pay down our debts if we get a car. I told him we haven't paid them off in four years, and I didn't see it happening whether I got a car or not. And now we have no payment, so it isn't like it would make a difference. I also pointed out that the car is in his name only. The credit card debt precedes me, and I feel like I am being punished and I have only ever had one credit card, a store card, that is paid off in full at the end of every month. I also told him I had been looking forward to getting a car for all of these years while I waited for him to pay the first one off. I even tried the whole "you promised" angle. I even cried. He walked away without a word to me. And the answer was still "no".


I really don't understand relationships like this. Are you his wife or his daughter? It seems to me he's controlling and likes that you can't go anywhere without him taking you therefore he always knows where you are. You need to TELL him you only agreed to sell your car because you were under the impression it would be replaced. If it were me I would just go get a car, you don't need his permission however if that's just not an option then at least start putting money aside so that you can eventually just buy one and he can't b*tch about payments.


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## totallywarped (Jan 26, 2013)

wow just read the rest of the comments he is accumulating interest like crazy!! Your problems are worse then an issue of a having a car, he's going to bankrupt you all!! Idk what state you're in but don't assume that debt isn't your responsibility. Here in Ohio all debt accumulated in a marriage is split 50/50 doesn't matter if the card is only in his name. He really needs counseling to figure out why he needs to hoard money instead of paying his debts. Hell if I were you I'd be trying to figure out what other debts he's not paying...

btw we also split assets so that car he holding over your head would be considered a join asset here. Doesn't matter whose name it's in, it was paid for within a marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with the thought that your problems are a lot bigger than the is car issue.

How much visibility do you really have into the finances? Were is all th money that he is paying off on the card? Is he hording it? Is he blowing it? Hiding it from you? This is serious. He's putting you both in huge debt. Find out what has been going on and then put a stop to it.

You need the car. He broke a promise to you that you would get a car years ago. This is a seriously bad thing for him to do. He has seriously lied to you to string you along so you had no way to be independent.

Open your own bank account in your name only. Have your check direct deposited into that account. This way at least you have access to some money. 

If you wants you to give some money to pay bills, well he will need to negotiate and play fair with you.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

This doesn't sound like the main issue is really him being controlling. It sounds like there's at least a possibility that he has a secret drug problem or gambling problem.

90K combined income is pretty darned good. It's twice what the average American makes. If you are giving us an accurate picture of your spending, then something is seriously off. Unless you have ten kids, you should be saving money like crazy. 

Anyway, I agree with the others who say get a car. I doesn't have to be a brand new car. If you have 30K in debt, another 5k for a decent used car isn't going to make that much difference at this point. BTW, car payments are considered "good" debt. Credit card debt is "bad" debt. There is a difference.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

laniegirl84 said:


> Hello everyone. My husband and I have been married for four years and have one child. When we got married, I had my own car which he convinced me to get rid of (he had just bought a brand new car, and mine was not always reliable). It worked because at the time we lived in a place where he could walk to work. He told me at the time that we would get a second car the following year. Then it became two years. Then it became when we paid off the first car. Now the first car is paid off, and he is saying he wants to wait another year. I know he is worried about finances (we do have debts, but we are hardly living paycheck to paycheck, or even having to cut back on anything), but I just started a full time job three months ago, so our combined income has nearly doubled. We now live a few miles from work, so he has to drop off me and our child when he goes to work, then pick us up at the end of the day. If one of us goes out, the other is stuck at home with no car. It just feels unnecessary. I have been bringing it up to him, but he gets defensive and refuses to have a conversation. There is an age difference between us, and I feel like he has taken over the "leader" role, and I have let him. I don't know how to break out of the passive role and assert my right to have a say over our finances. I don't want to just go out and buy a car without him, but I am tired of waiting for him to make a decision. He went back and forth for six months before deciding not to upgrade his cell phone, so he doesn't make big or little decisions at all. I pick out and buy my own presents. When I finally upgraded my phone without him, he gave me the silent treatment for a few days. The only reason we have a child is because of a slip in birth control. I just can't understand why we don't ever get to make moves forward in our lives.


Yuck. He sounds extremely controlling & unreasonable.

With a child, it is not good planning to be car-less if your child has an emergency where you need to go to the hospital. You would have to call 911 for a ride & many times abulances will send you a bill that can be quite expensive. 

Also, why isn't the one car your husband owns in your name also as an "or"?

I don't think this issue is about money. It's about control. He wants to drive you to work & pick you up. Control.


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## laniegirl84 (Sep 3, 2013)

I think the saving my own money on the side sounds like a good plan. But I don't think I can open a bank account without a car to drive during banking hours. Maybe I can put aside some cash every week? I also have my retirement refund from my old job still coming, and a couple of uncashed checks from my birthday (haven't been able to drive to the bank to deposit them).

I doubt there is a gambling or drug problem. I do see all of the money. It doesn't go anywhere. I do have online access to our bank account, and I see it just sitting there. I see the payment deductions for the credit card. After bills and expenses, we had a surplus of 4,000 this pay period. Most of that could have gone to the credit card, but it didn't. It's just sitting in the account. 

I don't know that he wants to control me. I think he has just spent a long time alone and doesn't want someone else making decisions. He was living alone for 16 years before we got married. When I first moved in, he had trouble letting me touch anything. He didn't open a joint account for months. I wasn't on the car insurance for a long time. He flipped out when I started throwing away old magazines and junk mail that had accumulated in the spare room. 

Four years later, I have made a little progress, but every little thing I change comes with a huge fight. I know I am his wife, but I think I am only his wife out of necessity. We have a child together, so we need to be married. He is a lot like the husband in Anna Karenina. Not a bad person, but not really capable of emotional attachments in the way that most people are. It isn't that he doesn't love me, but he doesn't see me as someone amazing that he is lucky to have as his wife. It took me a long time to notice that that is the thing that was off in our relationship. He isn't proud and excited over me. He doesn't show me off. He actually seems embarrassed by me at times. So it isn't that he wants to keep me from freedom, it's that my happiness is not essential to him. 

I know this has gone way off topic, but one issue always seems to bring up more and more issues under the surface.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> This is a deal breaker to me. I NEED a car. Period end of story.
> 
> Is your husband controlling in other areas or is it just money? Do you have friends? Family? Do you go out by yourself? Are you able to drive his car from time to time?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I'm a grown woman. I will buy a car.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You mention family that you visit? Could you have a family member take you to a bank to open an account? 

Is there a bank near where you work? You could walk to a bank and open and account. 

You work at a Univeristy. Does it have a credit union? There might be a credit union office where you work. 

YOu can open a checking account online. I googled "open bank account online" Here are only two of the many banks and financial companies that where you can open an account online.


Bank of America

http://content.schwab.com/web/retai...1=sSRlXT0rm_dc&sv2=19464744980&sv3=xpxe4op6q0

Then what you do is have your paycheck auto deposited to your account. 

when it comes to buying a car. You can do the bulk of the shopping for a car online. I'm sure that there are people here who will give you tips on who to do this.

Then once you have your own bank account and your own vehicle you are no longer stuck at home. You can go places on your own like a most adults.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

laniegirl84 said:


> I think the saving my own money on the side sounds like a good plan.


We are suggesting that you get your own account, have your pay auto deposited into it. Then you go buy your own car and make the payments out of that account.

We are suggesting that you control ALL of our own money, not that you just save a little bit of it.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

laniegirl84 said:


> He was living alone for 16 years before we got married. When I first moved in, he had trouble letting me touch anything. He didn't open a joint account for months. I wasn't on the car insurance for a long time. He flipped out when I started throwing away old magazines and junk mail that had accumulated in the spare room.


This gives me a little more insight about what is going on. He still considers it his home and his money. I think moving into a new place and give you both a fresh start from a more equal footing, might go a long way to solving many of the problems you are talking about here.


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