# Need Advice for a Long Distance Marriage



## JStaff00 (Aug 28, 2016)

So let me start out with I'm in the military. My wife and I got married a year ago after being engaged for about 1.5 years. But due to her being in college and me being in the military, I live across the country from her. The last year we have had our ups and downs, but recently my wife has grown more restless with our situation. Before I explain the situation let me explain my wife. 
My wife usually craves for attention. Not necessarily from the opposite sex, but in the aspect that she hates being alone. She is a real outgoing person and prefers to spend time with friends, family ,or me. But due to me being station across the country it makes our relationship hard. I on the otherhand quite like my alone time. Don't get me wrong though, I do go out with friends on occasion, but being by myself is when I can truly recover from the day to day struggle. 
The problem I am having right now is that my wife can't stand it when I dont talk/text her all throughout the day. If I go without talking to her for 2 to 3 hours, she tends to lash out and that's putting it mildly. Usually if I don't talk to get throughout the day, we end up getting into an argument on how I never talk to her anymore, and lately it's been getting to the point of that I'm scared she might start thinking about divorce.
I know I'm not the most talkative person. When I talk to someone, it's because I have something to say, and when I don't, I keep to myself. It's hard for me to small talk or conjure up a conversation out of thin air when I dont have anything to talk about, and she refuses to accept that. 
It seems like every time we have an argument about this, she goes to the extreme of things and makes it sound like I neglect her for days on end, but the truth of the matter is, is that every day I tell her good morning, and if I don't she gets mad. Every day I try to skype call her at night and if I happen to fall asleep, she gets angry. If I'm out in town with friends and haven't talked to her in a few hours, she get mad and starts to argue with me. It seems the only time I can get away with not talking to her is if I'm at work, and then that only helps if I am out on a field op or a shooting range. She makes it seem like I am supposed to drop everything I am doing and put my full attention on her, even if I'm at work or with friends.
I just need some advice on how to deal with this.
I have 11 1/2 months to go till I get out of the military and will be able to move in new with her, but I don't know if our relationship can last that long.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

JStaff00 said:


> My wife usually craves for attention. Not necessarily from the opposite sex, but in the aspect that she hates being alone. She is a real outgoing person and prefers to spend time with friends, family ,or me.
> The problem I am having right now is that my wife can't stand it when I dont talk/text her all throughout the day. If I go without talking to her for 2 to 3 hours, she tends to lash out and that's putting it mildly. Usually if I don't talk to get throughout the day, we end up getting into an argument on how I never talk to her anymore, and lately it's been getting to the point of that I'm scared she might start thinking about divorce.
> 
> I just need some advice on how to deal with this.
> I have 11 1/2 months to go till I get out of the military and will be able to move in new with her, but I don't know if our relationship can last that long.


Sorry you are here.

I have been in your shoes.

You know what she wants....communication...and a lot of it.

Give it to her...........Lovingly, Loud and Hard............for ELEVEN AND A HALF MONTHS.

Tell her you can hardly wait until this time passes. Tell her again and again........until ETS day.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Obviously your military career was not well thought out or discussed prior to marriage. There are marriage support programs you can sign up for. Do it. Get her to move closer to you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

It may be too late for this semester, but maybe for the next one (January?) she could transfer colleges.

That said, her need to communicate so often (every 2-3 hours?) is excessive. I'm going to guess that you guys are quite young, early 20's maybe? When I was that age (which wasn't THAT long ago!) we didn't have Skype and text and free long distance, and all of that. If this was 20 years ago, the amount of contact would be limited to twice a day, if that, and via a phone call. And you'd have a $300 phone bill every month.

Surely though, the military can give you a flight back home once a month? I thought they did that sort of thing, to keep families connected.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Sounds like you two aren't compatible. She is outgoing and likes to be around people. You are more introverted and enjoy being alone. What makes you think things will be different once you move in with her? Will she still expect frequent communication? Will it still make you uncomfortable? In fact I am sure the answer is it will only get worse - for you.
It seems like the default position here is always "do anything to save the marriage". But maybe this is a situation where you really have to look inside and decide if this is what you really want.


----------



## Dan501 (Sep 3, 2016)

I'm in a similar position! We are both in the military. When she deploys it is a kick in the balls because I obviously don't want her to go away for VARIOUS reasons but I deal with it. When I have to deploy anywhere sh*t hits the fan and I'm the worst person in the world according to her! She also lies about when and where she deploys and then last minute brings it up! And says she's had a fast ball and has to go. I trust her to an extent, but this happens often!


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Sometimes love can't conquer all. I don't think long distance relationships are ever worth it. The agony of not being with the other person isn't worth the moments you are with them. You probably are too young and there is a reason why so many long distance marriages end up with one cheating on the other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

JStaff00 said:


> So let me start out with I'm in the military. My wife and I got married a year ago after being engaged for about 1.5 years. But due to her being in college and me being in the military, I live across the country from her. The last year we have had our ups and downs, but recently my wife has grown more restless with our situation. Before I explain the situation let me explain my wife.
> My wife usually craves for attention. Not necessarily from the opposite sex, but in the aspect that she hates being alone. She is a real outgoing person and prefers to spend time with friends, family ,or me. But due to me being station across the country it makes our relationship hard. I on the otherhand quite like my alone time. Don't get me wrong though, I do go out with friends on occasion, but being by myself is when I can truly recover from the day to day struggle.
> The problem I am having right now is that my wife can't stand it when I dont talk/text her all throughout the day. If I go without talking to her for 2 to 3 hours, she tends to lash out and that's putting it mildly. Usually if I don't talk to get throughout the day, we end up getting into an argument on how I never talk to her anymore, and lately it's been getting to the point of that I'm scared she might start thinking about divorce.
> I know I'm not the most talkative person. When I talk to someone, it's because I have something to say, and when I don't, I keep to myself. It's hard for me to small talk or conjure up a conversation out of thin air when I dont have anything to talk about, and she refuses to accept that.
> ...


OP -I have been you. First the Army then others (DNC, EO, Big Sandy, others) all over the world.Unable to communicate sometimes months at a time..My wife came from a military family...more than a 100 years of service -so that helped....but it takes more....much more.

If she needs texts...DO IT. She gets angry because she misses you....the anger is probably just fear +_ loneliness. She needs you -thus, you MUSt do all you can for her. 

What helped us was the letters....every day -if possible -i posted one or more. I spilled my heart and love for her onto the pages...everything...so she would have no doubt, not an inkling of an idea that I may not miss her terribly. She must know, and you must tell her. The letters are better than a phone call, text message, email, in many ways:

They smell like you
It takes effort to do it...make her aware that she is worth EVERY effort
It is something that she can hold...that you held as well
She can carry them with her
She can share them with others is she chooses

My wife still has all of the letters I wrote her...ALL. spanning a 25 year marriage. I still write letters to her now...and mail them. She tells me that every letter, every word makes her fall in love all over again...everyday. 

Do this for your wife. Don't argue, just do it. You swore and pledged to love and care for her above all others. You must keep your promise. She will reciprocate in ways you can't possibly fathom. A woman that is true and loyal and in love with you will walk through the fires of hell for you. 

Mine Did. Your's will too.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Herschel said:


> Sometimes love can't conquer all. I don't think long distance relationships are ever worth it. *The agony of not being with the other person isn't worth the moments you are with them*. You probably are too young and there is a reason why so many long distance marriages end up with one cheating on the other.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I disagree. The agony of the separation is proof...proof that the love is true. This agony makes the ecstasy of the time spent together so beautiful, so powerful, that it leaves its mark on you and changes you. I understand how many cannot believe like I do, they have been hurt, they have felt great sorrow and pain of loss. But the pain does not make the love they felt any less real...in fact, I believe it makes it a tangible thing -maybe too real. But that's okay -without the risk of loss -there would be not real motivation to both care for and understand the other, the object of your love. The risk makes the reward so much sweeter. 

Just my 2 cents


----------



## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

Ynot said:


> Sounds like you two aren't compatible. She is outgoing and likes to be around people. You are more introverted and enjoy being alone. What makes you think things will be different once you move in with her? Will she still expect frequent communication? Will it still make you uncomfortable? In fact I am sure the answer is it will only get worse - for you.
> It seems like the default position here is always "do anything to save the marriage". But maybe this is a situation where you really have to look inside and decide if this is what you really want.


This is what I was going to say. Are you talkative when physically with another person? 

Now, my in laws are like this. He only talks when he has something to say, and honestly doesn't listen to his wife hardly at all. In his defense, she talks nonstop about nothing. She can spend half an hour telling me an uninteresting story about someone who I never met bought a used car. Zzzzzz....

So, if you actually like what she has to say and just don't like talking on the phone/texting, maybe you can make it work. With my in laws, she just talks to her sisters all day/on the phone constantly. I couldn't have their relationship, but they makes it work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

skype is your friend. Skype her once a day! seeing each other really makes the bond stronger.


----------



## Richle (Sep 1, 2016)

It is the most common misunderstanding between man and woman. Did you read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? She needs only 2 words, but often. Send her every 2 or 3 hours simple texts like “think about you, miss you”, etc… It can help.


----------

