# Unhappy and confused.



## checkers1 (Nov 19, 2012)

Hi everyone,

I am interested in getting some advice/opinions because I really don’t have anyone to talk to about this. I’ll try to make it as brief as possible, although I’m sure this post will end up being very long. Thanks in advance to anyone who reads it. I am very unhappy in my marriage, but I’m not sure if I should leave or what I should do. One part of me wants out now… I just kind of want to pack up my things and just go. The other part of me thinks that I made the choice to get married, it’s a lifetime commitment, so now I just have to deal with it and hope things improve.

So, some background information. I’m 23 and my husband is 34. I started dating him when I was 17. We moved in together as soon as I turned 18. About a year after we moved in together, he quit his job. He didn’t really look for a new job and remained unemployed for about a year. Fortunately, my job was offering tons of overtime and I worked 12 hours a day, 7 days a week for most of that year in order to pay our bills. He has kids from previous relationships, and was already around $20k in child support arrears before becoming unemployed. After being unemployed for a while, the child support enforcement office revoked his driver’s license & was threatening him with jail time. He had to pay several thousand dollars in order to avoid jail time… which I paid since he didn’t have a job. Since then, not much has changed. I feel like I’m responsible for everything and he is responsible for nothing. 

After he got a job, I guess he was so accustomed to having me pay all the bills that he really didn’t want to contribute to the bills at all. He has been giving me the amount of my car payment every month, but that’s it. My car payment is a fraction of our total bills, and everything else is on me. I have tried discussing this with him many, many times. He just gets upset and defensive. He also loves to come up with ridiculous excuses as to why he shouldn’t have to contribute more to our bills. He said that he shouldn’t have to pay any portion of the rent because he’d rather live in a tent. He said he shouldn’t have to contribute towards the electricity because if I would let him, he would just turn off the air conditioning and deal with being uncomfortable in the heat. He said if I don’t want to pay for his car insurance, I should cancel it and just drive him everywhere. I don’t want him to pay for everything, I just want us to split the bills more equally. 

He spends most of his money on clothes, tattoos, and car parts. He has plenty of money to play with after paying the 1 bill that he pays. On the other hand, EVERY dollar I make goes towards paying bills. I really don’t even make enough to pay the bills I pay, so my parents usually give me money every month. It’s frustrating that we cannot be on the same page in regards to finances. I’m sorry, but I resent him so much for it. I am in serious need of some new clothes- mine either don’t fit or have holes in them. I can’t afford $30 to buy a few new shirts at Wal-Mart, but he just spent $100 on a stupid jacket and has gotten like 10 new tattoos in the past 2 months.

Other than that, I am just not happy with our life in general. I feel as though we have no common interests, and our goals and what we want out of life are totally different. I really don’t even enjoy being around him and would rather just be alone. I try to be positive, but honestly I just feel miserable. I just feel all around crappy and unhappy. I feel totally unappreciated. He never acknowledges how much I actually do – I work full time, go to school full time and do volunteer work as well. He’ll say I’m lazy, or If I mention I’m tired, he’ll just say “I don’t know why, you didn’t do anything today.” It’s true that my job isn’t physically demanding like his is, but he seems to think I’m lazy just because I have an office job. I can’t remember the last time we did anything fun together. I don’t remember the last time I was really and truly happy. I have told him this, but he says he doesn’t understand why. He says he’s perfectly happy with our life and doesn’t know what my problem is. I really don’t feel like I’m getting anything out of our relationship. I feel like I'm really being taken advantage of, and have been for quite some time.

So, what do you guys think? Maybe I’ll feel better once I graduate. I’ll have a job that pays more (hopefully) and won’t have to deal with the stress of both work and college. Maybe I’m just unhappy from barely getting any sleep and stressing over money. Maybe everything will just be better when I graduate from college. Maybe I won’t mind paying the majority of the bills once I’m making enough money to actually do it. Or, maybe I’ll be just as miserable as I am now. The thought of spending my entire life feeling the way I feel now is frightening. I wish I could go back to my 17 year old self and just say, “Look, you’re just a baby. You need to focus on school and listen to your parents and NOT get involved with a much older man who has 3 kids. Just stay away from him.” But I can’t, so I need to figure out what I’m doing. I just want to be happy again. I haven’t always been like this. I don't know what to do.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Sweetie you are 23 and you sound about 50. Do you really think things are magically going to change anytime soon? Really?

Cut your losses and run. Run far far away from this loser. You deserve so much better than this.


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## sleeplessindesert (Aug 25, 2012)

Honey, you are can do way better. Make yourself a priority. Sometimes you need to love yourself enough to move on. I work full time, g to grad school full time, and have clinical. My husband did not appreciate me and my hard work. Do wat you need to do to be happy, even if that means being alone.


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## checkers1 (Nov 19, 2012)

Thank you both for your responses. I really have been feeling this way for a long time... I'm just afraid of hurting him. 



Mavash. said:


> Sweetie you are 23 and you sound about 50. Do you really think things are magically going to change anytime soon? Really?


Yeah I always say that I feel like I'm about 80, not 23! I definitely don't feel like a young adult who is out there enjoying life. You're right, things are definitely not going to magically change, even though I wish they would.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

checkers1 said:


> Thank you both for your responses. I really have been feeling this way for a long time... I'm just afraid of hurting him.


He's hurting you and he doesn't care. I think you need to kick him out and move on with your life. He will just keep dragging you down.


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

From a guys perspective he will never value you or your children over his laziness and self centered desires... He is a loser with a capital "L"! Make plans immediately to get away from him or your life will eventually be a train wreck.
I am not saying he can't change or will never change but at his age it is highly unlikely. Not to mention he won't take care of his children financially... I have little patience or tolerance for such people.
RUN AWAY FASTER THAN FORREST GUMP!


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

The fact that he's a 'dead-beat dad' should tell you all you need to know............If he's not willing to support & pay for children he created, what makes you think he's ever going to be willing to do that for you? 

Pack your stuff and leave this LOSER!!!!! YOU are worth so much MORE!!!!!


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## lonelylife (Nov 19, 2012)

This sounds very like my husband, at 56 years, he's still like this & I have lost all hope his conscience will kick in & he'll change. He is unappreciative of anything I do and goes out of his way to insult me. if I were in my 20's, i would have quit....but at 52, I have to find other coping methods...


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

In case I missed it, what was the reason you thought you should stay with this worthless POS?


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## checkers1 (Nov 19, 2012)

SpinDaddy said:


> In case I missed it, what was the reason you thought you should stay with this worthless POS?


I really don't know why I've stayed this long. I don't know why I even got involved with him in the first place. Yeah, pathetic I know. I don't know why I've made the stupid life choices that I've made, I really can't explain it. Before I met him, my life was great and I had a lot of unique and amazing opportunities. I had a lot going for me, and I threw it all away to live like this. I'm mad at myself for being so stupid. 

I guess the only reason I'm still here is that I'm afraid of hurting him. I was actually kind of expecting people to tell me that I'm horrible and selfish for wanting to leave him. After all, nobody forced me to marry him, I made this whole mess on my own. I just want to start making some better choices & get my life back on track and everything.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Tell him to go live in a tent.

Holy crap. 

The first clue that this guy was no good was that you were 17 and he was almost 30. THAT is just yuck.

It's ok...you were young and your brain wasn't formed yet. But it's formed now (or almost...usually by 25) so you're seeing the problems clearer.

Good luck, but I honestly think he's bad news. And whatever you do....DO NOT get pregnant. He already has kids that he doesn't pay for. THAT was another huge red flag.


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## checkers1 (Nov 19, 2012)

Oh gosh, yeah, definitely absolutely NOT getting pregnant. No way.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

You aren't dumb or stupid... you did what you did, so don't feel bad about it. You aren't a loser for picking him either. Things turned out the way they did, that's all. And the past can't be changed.

So pick your head up. There's always tomorrow. Take charge of your life. Stop paying all the bills. Spend some money on yourself. Take a trip, get away, go find some fun things to do. Call a friend. Go for coffee. Talk about what you want to do after school. (don't talk about your hubby). Start writing. Make plans. You have your WHOLE future ahead of you! That's kind of exciting, really. 

What are you taking in school?


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

checkers1 said:


> I wish I could go back to my 17 year old self and just say, “Look, you’re just a baby. You need to focus on school and listen to your parents and NOT get involved with a much older man who has 3 kids. Just stay away from him.”


You can't sacrifice the rest of your life because of a mistake you made 6 years ago. Is your logic that you're in it for 6 years so might as well go all the way to 80?

You don't realize it, but 23 is very very young. THERE IS NO WAY IN THIS WORLD that you should continue like this for one more day. Why do you feel so worthless that you think you deserve to be treated like such garbage, and that's a nice word for it. You're being treated like dirt, like filth, like scum. 

You are delusional if you think things will get better after you graduate. You work like a dog, you're responsible for the bills, your husband is using you and abusing you and then blaming you.

There isn't one itty bitty tiny redeeming quality about this guy.
Please believe me that although you think 23 is old, it is really very young. You're at the beginning of your life. Make the decision to want more for yourself ASAP.


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## checkers1 (Nov 19, 2012)

deejov said:


> You aren't dumb or stupid... you did what you did, so don't feel bad about it. You aren't a loser for picking him either. Things turned out the way they did, that's all. And the past can't be changed.
> 
> So pick your head up. There's always tomorrow. Take charge of your life. Stop paying all the bills. Spend some money on yourself. Take a trip, get away, go find some fun things to do. Call a friend. Go for coffee. Talk about what you want to do after school. (don't talk about your hubby). Start writing. Make plans. You have your WHOLE future ahead of you! That's kind of exciting, really.
> 
> What are you taking in school?


Thanks for your advice =) I appreciate it. I actually have a trip planned with my dad for early next year, without my husband. I am studying Accounting and should have my Bachelor's degree in about a year.


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## checkers1 (Nov 19, 2012)

IslandGirl3 said:


> There isn't one itty bitty tiny redeeming quality about this guy.
> Please believe me that although you think 23 is old, it is really very young. You're at the beginning of your life. Make the decision to want more for yourself ASAP.


Thanks for taking the time to read this and reply. You're right, I'm pretty much being treated like crap and I'm sick of it. At this point, I am pretty much sure that I want out. The only thing is working up the nerve to actually just do it and get it over with. 

Here is another concern I have... if I were to kick him out, I can't pay the bills on my own. I just got paid, and after paying bills, I have $3 to last until my next paycheck on the 30th. If I had to take on the 1 bill that he pays... I just don't see how it would work. I literally have no extra money at all to take on even 1 more bill on my own. I am sure my parents would let me live with them until I get back on my feet, but that would mean moving across the country to where my parents live. I would have to transfer to the university there, but I don't know if I can transfer as a senior. I don't know if I should just try to deal with this crap for another year while I finish school, or if I should just worry about leaving now and think about school later. I've just worked REALLY really hard in school and I don't want to do anything stupid and mess it up.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

You aren't dumb, you were only 17. And of course he doesn't see any problems, your marriage is great FOR HIM.

It's great you're going away with your dad. Start making plans to leave for good. And don't feel bad for your husband. You've given him five years of your precious life, that's way more than he deserves.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Just read your last post. If I were in your shoes, I would put my head down and finish my degree where you are. Just separate from him in your mind, you sound really busy, which is great. You supported him for however many years, he can help you, however little, to finish your study before you go.

Then, when you're all done with study, pack up and go to your parents. I guarantee you they will be overjoyed to have this loser out of your life.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

checkers1 said:


> . . . .I guess the only reason I'm still here is that I'm afraid of hurting him. I was actually kind of expecting people to tell me that I'm horrible and selfish for wanting to leave him. . . .





checkers1 said:


> . . . .Here is another concern I have... if I were to kick him out, I can't pay the bills on my own. . . ..


The longer you delay cancer treatment the less the likelihood of survival. Rid yourself of this cancer NOW!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I was 23 when I got pregnant. Oye. So young...

I was 25 when I FINALLY got my head out of my bum and decided ENOUGH (my ex was a treat  )...

You will be ok. honestly. You will. Just take care of yourself.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

checkers1 said:


> Here is another concern I have... if I were to kick him out, I can't pay the bills on my own. I just got paid, and after paying bills, I have $3 to last until my next paycheck on the 30th. If I had to take on the 1 bill that he pays... I just don't see how it would work. I literally have no extra money at all to take on even 1 more bill on my own. I am sure my parents would let me live with them until I get back on my feet, but that would mean moving across the country to where my parents live. I would have to transfer to the university there, but I don't know if I can transfer as a senior. I don't know if I should just try to deal with this crap for another year while I finish school, or if I should just worry about leaving now and think about school later. I've just worked REALLY really hard in school and I don't want to do anything stupid and mess it up.


Kick him out and get a roommate to help with the bills.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

SpinDaddy said:


> The longer you delay cancer treatment the less the likelihood of survival. Rid yourself of this cancer NOW!


There is no way you should hang in there with him for one tiny bill. Screwing with your head is not worth that tiny bill. Get a roommate, move to a cheaper apartment, live on campus.

It's sounds like your parents would welcome you back, which is great that you have their support, but I think you should finish college right where you are. Borrow the amount of this one bill from them monthly and pay them back. If you were my daughter, I'd do whatever I had to to help extricate you from this situation, especially since you're getting out.

Ask your boss for a raise. I've given a raise of a few $ an hour to an employee who asked me. 

You're a good person, you're working hard, you're making something of yourself. Grow some balls. Stop being dragged down and think for some reason that you should put up with this nonsense. You deserve so much better. Don't forget that or rationalize why you don't deserve it for one minute.


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## checkers1 (Nov 19, 2012)

We actually do have a roommate already. Rent in our area is pretty expensive, and I don't make a whole lot of money. Even though our roomie pays 1/3 of our rent, our portion of the rent still takes up half of my monthly income.

I think I will talk to my parents and see if they can help me with this. They usually give me money every month anyways, although not as much as I would need to make this work. I am sure my parents would be happy for me to get out of this situation.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I'm sure your parents would be happy to help you get out of this toxic situation, too. As a parent, I know if would KILL me if my daughter was being treated this way. You have no excuse now. You will move on, you will graduate and have a fulfilling job, you will meet someone wonderful one day, and you will have a beautiful life, because now you're allowing yourself to.


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## checkers1 (Nov 19, 2012)

I guess another reason I haven't just kicked him out yet is because I'm actually pretty afraid of how he'll react to it. He has a really bad temper and has no problem getting into physical fights with people who upset him. He has never ever been physically abusive to me, but then again, I've always been on his good side. But whenever his boss or coworkers or anyone ticks him off, he has a tendency to just flip out. He has been in many fist fights - he always says he's not afraid of going to jail, if someone pisses him off he just wants to knock them out. That's why the idea of just dealing with him for my last year of school and then moving out of state is something I'm considering, too. Or just moving out of state ASAP and hoping I can get into the university there. The idea of kicking him out and then staying here, where he knows where I live and work really freaks me out. Maybe I'm just making excuses to delay the inevitable, I don't know. I just don't want to do anything that's going to make things worse than they already are. Definitely going to talk to my parents and see what they think.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

fearing for your life is a different story, but is another reason why there is no reason to stay in this relationship for the long term. you really think he'd harm you for leaving? he is that unstable that he'd hurt you? how very scary. i didn't know there was the scare factor in here so this is beyond my ability to give advice to keep you safe. I'm guessing, if he's that sick, he could track you down wherever you are. you said that you were in an expensive part of town. often, 20-30 minutes away from an expensive town is a not-so-expensive town. maybe you need to move, especially if he refuses to move. and find another job if you're afraid he'll track you down there.

The way I see it, you have no choice but to leave. Although it would be better to stay in your town and finish college where you are, if this puts you in danger, then you'll have to move back to your parents. Maybe it's not a bad idea to be with this at this time, anyhow. The new semester is starting in 2 months. you have time to move, get credits transferred, and start your life over in an emotionally and physically safer environment. good luck.


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## checkers1 (Nov 19, 2012)

I don't know for sure that he would harm me for leaving him, but it wouldn't exactly be a surprise if he did. I mean, I'm not scared to be around him right now or anything, because right now he is perfectly happy. Just the way he has reacted in the past to other people upsetting him is scary. It's like, anytime anyone really makes him mad, his first reaction is to get physical with them. Who knows how he'll react to this. Anyways, thanks again for your advice. I also feel as though I have no choice but to leave. The more I think about it, the more getting out of this sounds good. I just want to have a peaceful and happy life. Just need to talk to my parents and figure out exactly when and how I'm going to do this.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

buy him that tent for Christmas darling 


wishing you a wonderful life. ♥


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

checkers1 said:


> I just want to have a peaceful and happy life. Just need to talk to my parents and figure out exactly when and how I'm going to do this.


This is EXACTLY what you should do. You have found your answer. Let is know how it goes.


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