# Her ex husband



## linecon0 (Jun 26, 2012)

A couple of things...

My wife and I have been together for two years. Her first husband left her for another woman a couple of months after their son drowned and left the state with his gf whom he later married. He has not spoken to their other two kids for 4 or 5 years (their current ages are 19 and 14). 

He recently got a divorce (his brother told my wife) and for the past few months he has been sending odd emails to my wife like:
"Hey, hope you have a great day. I'm thinking of all of you."
or
"Have a great week, I hope you are doing ok."
or
"I was looking through some old photo albums..."
or
"You are a great mom."


He's only asked about the kids like once out of the 15-20 emails that he has sent. She doesn't block him because he is their father and she keeps records of every interaction in case he tries to take her to court for anything.

My wife's first response was just to ignore him, that didn't work. I suggested emailing him back a reply that said his emails were unwelcome, etc. She did and said that she and the kids have moved on, etc.

That kept him quiet for a couple of months but now he is back with these weird emails.

This is causing grief between my wife and me. This guy knows she is married and still thinks it's ok to send these inappropriate emails and it is starting to piss me off. My wife doesn't know what to do because she doesn't like his name popping up in her email all the time and she can't block him for legal reasons. I told her that if it were me, I'd send another reply back along the lines of, "I don't know why you send these emails but I don't care about you in any way. I'm happily married and these emails are inappropriate and unwanted. My husband does not appreciate you sending those emails to his wife."

I am also a bit resentful of my wife and I'm not sure why.




The second thing is while going through some old USB sticks, I found a sex video of her and her first husband. The images still cause me a great deal of pain. I try to not think about it but sometimes my brain gets the better of me and the images flash in my head.

Any advice?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Face to face talk with ex husband. You don’t have to beat his rear, just show him you’re a man that handles things and explain that the emails stop or you’ll be seeing him again.

Honestly, if there was a physical altercation and you got whipped,it would be better than feeling like you are now.

Screw that guy. She’s your wife.
Let him know she is, and that you’re willing to fight to keep her.

Then again, I’m a country type person. We handle things differently than some.
My advice may be totally useless for you.

Your wife has done what she could on her end. Honestly, you’re her husband. It’s up to you now. I wouldn’t let her see weakness in me. I’d see the guy face to face even if it meant I carried home some sore body parts.

The flash drive thing— that’s unfortunate.
Not much we can do to help you there.
But seeing the guy face to face and having a little talk with him might make you feel better in that, too. Just remember that if you show weakness to the guy, he will pounce on it. Be ready to do whatever needs doing. He will pick up on your attitude. He will back off, or he will try to steamroll you. Either way, you’ll have faced it. That’s all that can be expected of a man.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Face to face talk with ex husband. You don’t have to beat his rear, just show him you’re a man that handles things and explain that the emails stop or you’ll be seeing him again.
> 
> Honestly, if there was a physical altercation and you got whipped,it would be better than feeling like you are now.
> 
> ...


Hopefully this starts another Kentucky/West Virginia tangent lol


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

linecon0 said:


> A couple of things...
> 
> My wife and I have been together for two years. Her first husband left her for another woman a couple of months after their son drowned and left the state with his gf whom he later married. He has not spoken to their other two kids for 4 or 5 years (their current ages are 19 and 14).
> 
> ...


On the flash drive no your just going to have to deal with that. It was the past before you, has no relation to you in anyway, just remember you her man now.

On the ex contact thing. These types of things is why the divorce rate of second marriages where kids are involved are so high around 70%. But I think the issue for you is pretty small. If I were you I would contact the husband and tell him that while his contact about and with the kids is ok and appropriate, your wife does not welcome the personal contact and you both find it inappropriate. Tell him you both want him to keep things focused on the kids and nothing else. 

That should be the first step, If he continues with the inappropriate messages have you wife tell him herself. He's the father of the children so you can't make him go away completely so he needs to understand there are boundaries and he has no hope in getting his old life back.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Have her mail him this letter, certified return receipt so she can prove in a court of law that she asked him to stop:
______________________

[Your name]
[Your address]

[X-Spouse’s name]
[X-Spouse’s address]

[Today’s date]

RE: Cease and desist

Dear [X-Spouse’s name]:

This CEASE AND DESIST letter is to inform you that your persistent actions including but not limited to [insert actions here (such as calling me in the middle of the night and hanging up, waiting outside my house, refusing to drop off the children until I talk to you, texting me late at night after the kids are in bed)] have become unbearable. This letter is specifically to order you to cease and desist such activities immediately.

You are also instructed not to contact me –not by telephone, through a third person, in writing, nor in person. If you come to this property or contact me in the future, I will call 9-1-1 and make a report to police.

I have the right to remain free from these activities as they constitute harassment, and I will pursue any legal remedies available to me against you if these activities continue.

Again, you must IMMEDIATELY STOP and to never contact me again. You risk incurring some very severe legal consequences if you fail to comply with this demand and continue to harass me.

This letter acts as your final warning to discontinue this unwanted conduct before I pursue legal actions against you. I hope we can resolve this matter without involving the authorities, but I am not under any circumstances waiving any legal rights I have by sending you this letter. This letter acts as ONE FINAL CHANCE for you to cease your illegal activities before I exercise my rights.

I have mailed a copy of this letter to you via return receipt and I will keep of copy of the signed card or a copy of the attempt to deliver as my proof that you were notified to STOP.

Sincerely,

[your signature]___
[your printed name]
______________________

Keep the green return receipt. Then if he emails again or in any way contacts her, she can get a restraining order. The proof of the letter along with the email/contact after the letter would be enough to prove she needs one. 

AND he doesn't "have to" sign for it. All she has to prove is that she ATTEMPTED TO SEND IT. If he refuses and it's returned to her, she still has proof of the attempt to notify him to KNOCK IT OFF!!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You can send a cease and desist letter to him, the next step would be a legal order for him to stop contact.

If he has not had contact with the kids for 5 years, I feel like she is fine to go ahead and just block his ass. They are too old for them to be forced into any kind of relationship with him.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Affaircare said:


> Have her mail him this letter, certified return receipt so she can prove in a court of law that she asked him to stop:
> ______________________
> 
> [Your name]
> ...


While the guy needs to be told to knock it off because it's not welcome or desired, I think this is going from a dispute to nuclear war without any diplomacy. First your creating a permanently hostile environment between the parents of children. If he showed the kids the letter it won't shine a good light on mom and gives him an excuse in their eyes for not being around. Second a simple communication might do the trick without causing unnecessary conflict. From what I read this guy has not been told to stop in any way yet. This might be appropriate after multiple attempts but this is asking for bigger problems. 

On another note there is no way, no chance your going to get a restraining order on a person for sending you an email saying "hope you have a great day". 

Telling an cheating ex you have no interest in receiving personal communication is one thing threatening legal action as a first reaction is a horse of a different color.


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## linecon0 (Jun 26, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> Face to face talk with ex husband. You don’t have to beat his rear, just show him you’re a man that handles things and explain that the emails stop or you’ll be seeing him again.
> 
> Honestly, if there was a physical altercation and you got whipped,it would be better than feeling like you are now.
> 
> ...



My wife says she can handle it but I have dealt with something like this with an previous gf of mine. She had an ex that would send her texts and FB messages, stop by her house and leave flowers, etc.. for a couple of years off an on (to make matters worse, he was married!). She always told me she can handle it and she would send him "nice" messages to stop but he didn't....until I sent him a FB message and then he stopped.

I want to talk to my wife's husband and let him know what I feel but my wife says she can handle it. Now we are in a big fight about this.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

happyhusband0005 said:


> While the guy needs to be told to knock it off because it's not welcome or desired, I think this is going from a dispute to nuclear war without any diplomacy. First your creating a permanently hostile environment between the parents of children. If he showed the kids the letter it won't shine a good light on mom and gives him an excuse in their eyes for not being around. Second a simple communication might do the trick without causing unnecessary conflict. From what I read this guy has not been told to stop in any way yet. This might be appropriate after multiple attempts but this is asking for bigger problems.
> 
> On another note there is no way, no chance your going to get a restraining order on a person for sending you an email saying "hope you have a great day".
> 
> Telling an cheating ex you have no interest in receiving personal communication is one thing threatening legal action as a first reaction is a horse of a different color.


You know, I really have to disagree with this. I actually like @Evinrude58 's suggestion, but that is probably a little too red neck for most of the folks her. I personally would go visit him and show him my new baseball bat that I just got. 

But the certified mail thing is a really good place to start. And if you have to go further then that is what you have to do. 

The usb thing... you know, it is what it is. She was not a virgin when you met her, so you really have to try and get over it. 

If ya'lls sex life is good for you and her, the what it the bid deal.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Does your wife have any residual feelings towards her exH? 

Have you told her you accidentally stumbled on the sex video?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> You know, I really have to disagree with this. I actually like @Evinrude58 's suggestion, but that is probably a little too red neck for most of the folks her. I personally would go visit him and show him my new baseball bat that I just got.
> 
> But the certified mail thing is a really good place to start. And if you have to go further then that is what you have to do.
> 
> ...


Too each is their own. But depending on were you are, you show up with a baseball bat and threaten him, he pulls a gun and shoots you. Now he's free to pursue with no interference, though killing her husband probably won't endear him too much to her. Or he simply records you making threats and now your the one in deep ****. You have to consider all of the potential consequences before deciding on the best course of action. 

But if I was the other husband I would probably think to myself, boy he is really threatened by me. Back in my college days I couldn't guess how many times a girl would come up and talk to me at a party, and 10 minutes later along comes the boyfriend looking to start something. I always found it funny and my thinking on it was, if he's so upset he must know she would prefer to go home with me instead of him, it always seemed insecure on their part. The really dumb ones were the ones who brought it to the point of actually throwing punches, they have no idea who I am they know nothing about me and now there getting a beating in front of their girlfriends because she was talking to a guy. 

Sometimes the counter is stronger than the pre-emptive strike. 

Just like the cease and desist there is a litany of potential bad things that could result as taking that as a first measure. Sanctions first drop bombs later.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

linecon0 said:


> My wife doesn't know what to do because she doesn't like his name popping up in her email all the time and she can't block him for legal reasons.


I'm not a lawyer, but I don't think she needs to allow email access. Email is an unreliable medium anyway. If he has a request, he can send it by certified mail. She should go ahead and block him from email, facebook, phone, etc. 

Do you know anything about the divorce and custody agreements? What about child support? It's pretty unusually for a parent to be able to just walk away from kids without a commitment of any kind. If he starts asking for visitation or custody through email, that can be ignored. The only thing that should matter is the custody agreement from the divorce. If he wants something different, he needs to go back to court.


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## linecon0 (Jun 26, 2012)

wilson said:


> I'm not a lawyer, but I don't think she needs to allow email access. Email is an unreliable medium anyway. If he has a request, he can send it by certified mail. She should go ahead and block him from email, facebook, phone, etc.
> 
> Do you know anything about the divorce and custody agreements? What about child support? It's pretty unusually for a parent to be able to just walk away from kids without a commitment of any kind. If he starts asking for visitation or custody through email, that can be ignored. The only thing that should matter is the custody agreement from the divorce. If he wants something different, he needs to go back to court.


He pays child support but has not reached out to his kids or my wife for years. I'm not sure what he wants. My wife said she wants to keep every email he sends so if he ever does try and change custody she can show a judge that in 5 years he left the state with his new wife and has not communicated with the kids for years other than one time in these emails when he said he was thinking about "you and the kids" (you being my wife).


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## linecon0 (Jun 26, 2012)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Too each is their own. But depending on were you are, you show up with a baseball bat and threaten him, he pulls a gun and shoots you. Now he's free to pursue with no interference, though killing her husband probably won't endear him too much to her. Or he simply records you making threats and now your the one in deep ****. You have to consider all of the potential consequences before deciding on the best course of action.
> 
> But if I was the other husband I would probably think to myself, boy he is really threatened by me. Back in my college days I couldn't guess how many times a girl would come up and talk to me at a party, and 10 minutes later along comes the boyfriend looking to start something. I always found it funny and my thinking on it was, if he's so upset he must know she would prefer to go home with me instead of him, it always seemed insecure on their part. The really dumb ones were the ones who brought it to the point of actually throwing punches, they have no idea who I am they know nothing about me and now there getting a beating in front of their girlfriends because she was talking to a guy.
> 
> ...


This is like the 20th time he has done this. I have said nothing until now really so your analogy is a bit off. A better one would be YOU coming up to MY wife 20 times and saying inappropriate things to her and her not wanting you to talk to her at all. After 20 times, we are going to have words.


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## linecon0 (Jun 26, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Does your wife have any residual feelings towards her exH?
> 
> Have you told her you accidentally stumbled on the sex video?


Not that I know of. Yes, I told her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

linecon0 said:


> Not that I know of. Yes, I told her.


Why did she keep it? Why would she keep a memento of the two of them having sex? Did she know she still had it? 

You need to ask her these hard questions. Don't just think that you know the answers. She could very well still have feelings for him, whether he deserves it or not.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

linecon0 said:


> This is like the 20th time he has done this. I have said nothing until now really so your analogy is a bit off. A better one would be YOU coming up to MY wife 20 times and saying inappropriate things to her and her not wanting you to talk to her at all. After 20 times, we are going to have words.


Sorry I originally read this on my phone. I missed the section where she has told him to stop at least once. My advice though wouldn't really change. Maybe the message coming from you will set the reality that he is out of her life. If not then you get aggressive. Probably a good question for her to ask the attorney who handled the divorce. Also she can set it up so his emails go into the spam box in the mean time. She's not blocking him, he's just getting caught by the spam filter, too bad. 

Man now the other advice makes so much more sense to me.


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

Have you considered creating a new email account, specifically and only to handle any required communication with the ex, and then block him from your wife's account. You can vet the emails and forward the appropriate ones to your wife.
Regarding the video, view your wife as a different person then, married to a jerk.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

linecon0 said:


> A couple of things...
> 
> My wife and I have been together for two years. Her first husband left her for another woman a couple of months after their son drowned and left the state with his gf whom he later married. He has not spoken to their other two kids for 4 or 5 years (their current ages are 19 and 14).
> 
> ...


Regarding you feelings of resentment towards your wife regarding this situation. I can understand it. Do you think your feeling like she secretly does welcome them. It sounds like she has plenty of reason to hate him. The reality is the guy is a pathetic fool. His life is one of a loser, he realizes his best days are far behind him. Just do what it takes to get him out of your lives. She isn't at fault here. By confusing your anger at the situation with anger or resentment towards your wife you are giving this guy a sort of power in your relationship. This situation is the two of you against him use it as something to bring you closer not as a wedge. 

Did these feelings start before or after finding the usb drive. That would be very understandable and normal. Did you wipe the drive. I ask because I know a guy who had a similar situation he found pictures. It ended up twisting his mind up and he kept going back and looking at them. He was able to get it out of his head a while after deleting everything.


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## linecon0 (Jun 26, 2012)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Regarding you feelings of resentment towards your wife regarding this situation. I can understand it. Do you think your feeling like she secretly does welcome them. It sounds like she has plenty of reason to hate him. The reality is the guy is a pathetic fool. His life is one of a loser, he realizes his best days are far behind him. Just do what it takes to get him out of your lives. She isn't at fault here. By confusing your anger at the situation with anger or resentment towards your wife you are giving this guy a sort of power in your relationship. This situation is the two of you against him use it as something to bring you closer not as a wedge.
> 
> Did these feelings start before or after finding the usb drive. That would be very understandable and normal. Did you wipe the drive. I ask because I know a guy who had a similar situation he found pictures. It ended up twisting his mind up and he kept going back and looking at them. He was able to get it out of his head a while after deleting everything.


These emails started after the USB drive thing.

I don't blame her for this guy sending these emails. Her attitude is to ignore him which clearly doesn't work. She doesn't like getting these emails from him and I don't like it either so I told her she needs to take action and do something about it instead of just allowing this guy to think it's OK for him to send these unsolicited, unwanted, inappropriate emails to her. Also note, he has only mentioned his kids once in these emails. It is obvious to me he wants my wife back for himself which is even more of a reason for her to set the record straight. Her reluctance to do so confuses me. She told me earlier today she sent him a reply, I don't know what is says though. I just have a feeling if she said something like, "my husband does not like you sending these emails. I'm a married woman and I don't like them. The kids and I have moved on to greener pastures and you need to move on as well. You abandoned your family after your son died and we owe you nothing."


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You should answer the emails. lol ''Hey, "wife" isn't here right now, but I check her emails a lot, anything I can tell her for ya?''

That'll get them to stop.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

linecon0 said:


> These emails started after the USB drive thing.
> 
> I don't blame her for this guy sending these emails. Her attitude is to ignore him which clearly doesn't work. She doesn't like getting these emails from him and I don't like it either so I told her she needs to take action and do something about it instead of just allowing this guy to think it's OK for him to send these unsolicited, unwanted, inappropriate emails to her. Also note, he has only mentioned his kids once in these emails. It is obvious to me he wants my wife back for himself which is even more of a reason for her to set the record straight. Her reluctance to do so confuses me. She told me earlier today she sent him a reply, I don't know what is says though. I just have a feeling if she said something like, "my husband does not like you sending these emails. I'm a married woman and I don't like them. The kids and I have moved on to greener pastures and you need to move on as well. You abandoned your family after your son died and we owe you nothing."


Ok so there's a chance your being bothered more by the video than the email thing and those images that are burned into your brain are affecting your response to the email situation. I do think a message from you to back up hers today will have an impact. 

There is a dynamic here that is complicating and I can't even begin to wrap my head around. This guy and your wife share the absolute worse experience a person can go through. Now how he dealt with it gives her every reason in the world to hate him with extraordinary passion. But I'm sure anything that relates to that experience cripples her logic to some extent. She might feel that by being too harsh to him she is somehow being too harsh to the son she lost. 

Thats why I think it wise for you to send him a message, man to man and tell him she doesn't want to hear from him unless it is about the minor child, it is causing her discomfort and you can't let him do that. You don't need to make a threat just make it clear you will protect your wife from harm. 

Something like..

Hello Numnuts (use his actual name)

You have been sending W messages for some time now even though she told you she does not want to hear from you unless it is specifically related to (the 14 year old). This is really bothering her and it needs to stop. From now on keep all communication limited to discussing the (the 14 year old). This will be our last warning. 

Sincerely linecon.

If this doesn't work I would feel free to drop bombs.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I think it's absolutely critical that your wife never respond to any emails from her ex. ...and have no further 1 on 1 contact. Any response (no matter how innocent) simply encourages this guy.

He feeds off getting attention of any kind (neutral, angry or whatever) from her. You should contact him and inform him that all (even about the 14yo) communications will go through you. Cut him off entirely....there's no reason for him to ever speak directly to your wife. If it's ever necessary to discuss the 14yo then you should be present - and do the talking....or tell him to put it in writing - and you & your wife will respond in writing.

You don't have to punch him .... just take charge of the situation (including your wife).


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

linecon0 said:


> He pays child support but has not reached out to his kids or my wife for years. I'm not sure what he wants. My wife said she wants to keep every email he sends so if he ever does try and change custody she can show a judge that in 5 years he left the state with his new wife and has not communicated with the kids for years other than one time in these emails when he said he was thinking about "you and the kids" (you being my wife).


Then do this. 

Set up an email account just for his emails. 

Then have your wife send a certified letter giving him the new email address. 

Then your wife can block him on her regular email account. 

Pass this by your lawyer. With this she can keep all of his emails. 

Offer to check the emails daily for her and see if anything pertains to the kids.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just let him know that she is getting her eggs scrambled by your egg beater and can't respond.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Meh, just drop a note "wife says mines bigger".


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

linecon0 said:


> He's only asked about the kids like once out of the 15-20 emails that he has sent. She doesn't block him because he is their father and she keeps records of every interaction in case he tries to take her to court for anything.


Take her to court for WHAT? Give me a damned break.

She likes the attention and quite frankly, she likes that after this vile POS deserted her and his own kids, he's sniffing around again, validating her.worth (in her mind) and making her feel wanted by him again.

One of her kids is 19 years old and the other is 14. If Father of the Year - whose *ignored *his kids for the last 5 years - wants to stay in touch with them, I'm sure they have cell phones like most kids over 5 years old seem to now have. At their ages, she doesn't have to be an intermediary and she knows it.



> This is causing grief between my wife and me. This guy knows she is married and still thinks it's ok to send these inappropriate emails and it is starting to piss me off. My wife doesn't know what to do because she doesn't like his name popping up in her email all the time and she can't block him for legal reasons.


What possible 'legal' reasons has she dreamed up for why she can't block him? 

They're DIVORCED, correct?

She has FULL custody of her practically grown up kids, correct?

Since her POS ex-H hasn't bothered with his kids since he deserted them, may I also assume he hasn't paid child support, or did she push the issue and have his paycheck garnished? In EITHER event, she doesn't need to be in contact with him whether he's paying his child support ot NOT. That's a battle the authorities fight, not her.

So again, what's her supposed reason for not being allowed to 'legally' shut this POS down?



> I am also a bit resentful of my wife and I'm not sure why.


Because you know she's LYING about not being able to block lover boy, is likely why.



> The second thing is while going through some old USB sticks, I found a sex video of her and her first husband. The images still cause me a great deal of pain. I try to not think about it but sometimes my brain gets the better of me and the images flash in my head.


They had a past and a marriage before the POS ran off on her. You can't *change* that. Why you CHOSE to sit and watch an old movie she probably forgot even existed is on YOU. Jeez, if I came across something like that, I'd shut it off the SECOND I realized what it was. You chose not to and that's on you, not her.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You never replied as to why your wife kept that sex video on a USB drive all these years. Also did you ask her if there are any others ? Could these eventually make their way to the internet ? Is she not worried about this ?


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## linecon0 (Jun 26, 2012)

So, last night we had it out and she sent him a reply stating she was married and his emails are unappreciated, etc. He replied back that he just wanted to sit down and talk and "see where things went from there". He also said some things about him "not knowing how to start all over again" after his most recent divorce (from the woman he cheated with and married). He said he wouldn't send any more emails and that he meant no disrespect to our marriage.

My problem know is my wife is mad at me for "not letting her deal with it her own way". I was the one who suggested she tell this guy she was married and to leave her alone. It has been obvious to me for 6 months that his intent was to try and get back with my wife. He wasn't asking about his kids, he was asking about my wife's day, etc... I am mad at my wife for not standing up for our marriage from the start. She says she just didn't care what he said, that it doesn't matter. What matters though, is that it bothers me that her ex-husband is trying to get back with her and she isn't shutting that down immediately and now I'm sort of ******* for suggesting mentioning she is married to him. 

She has admitted I was right about how she should have handled this situation but I can't help resenting her for not thinking of this, on her own, for the last 6 months.

She now says she can't confide it me because I just blow up but I have had to endure this for months. There are lots of other things I have had to endure that is not your normal every day run of the mill marriage stuff but I do the best I can.


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## linecon0 (Jun 26, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> You never replied as to why your wife kept that sex video on a USB drive all these years. Also did you ask her if there are any others ? Could these eventually make their way to the internet ? Is she not worried about this ?


She said she didn't know there were on there. They were sort of hidden in a folder with family pics and she said her ex husband must have put them there on their home computer and when they got divorced, she just copied all the folders to a USB and didn't look at them. She said there are no others.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

linecon0 said:


> She said she didn't know there were on there. They were sort of hidden in a folder with family pics and she said her ex husband must have put them there on their home computer and when they got divorced, she just copied all the folders to a USB and didn't look at them. She said there are no others.


Then I completely agree with whoever said you should get rid of it (and should have stopped looking at it as soon as you realised what it was). Being tempted to look at it again can do no good at all and will most certainly cause problems.

As for the douche bag ex, I also agree that it has to be you who deals with him no matter what your wife says or may say in future.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I've been in this situation before. This guy feeds off of any kind of response from your wife (negative or positive). His apology means nothing in view of his behavior he's going to continue. Six months was too long to tolerate this clown. You have to stop it entirely. Your wife may feel sorry for him or have a misguided sense of obligation to the father of her son so it's up to you insist that she stops all communication with this guy. She needs strong marching orders from you that she can use to justify not speaking with this guy. I think you need to make it clear: she has to choose him or you.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

linecon0 said:


> So, last night we had it out and she sent him a reply stating she was married and his emails are unappreciated, etc. He replied back that he just wanted to sit down and talk and "see where things went from there". He also said some things about him "not knowing how to start all over again" after his most recent divorce (from the woman he cheated with and married). He said he wouldn't send any more emails and that he meant no disrespect to our marriage.
> 
> My problem know is my wife is mad at me for "not letting her deal with it her own way". I was the one who suggested she tell this guy she was married and to leave her alone. It has been obvious to me for 6 months that his intent was to try and get back with my wife. He wasn't asking about his kids, he was asking about my wife's day, etc... I am mad at my wife for not standing up for our marriage from the start. She says she just didn't care what he said, that it doesn't matter. What matters though, is that it bothers me that her ex-husband is trying to get back with her and she isn't shutting that down immediately and now I'm sort of ******* for suggesting mentioning she is married to him.
> 
> ...


Do not apologize to your wife. Do not sweep this under the rug. Your wife is manipulating you by inferring you're insecure, and controlling. Stay angry over it. She needs to see that in you. She needs to sever the ties to this guy or you should walk. Honestly, that's my opinion. I wouldn't keep arguing about it, but I would stand your ground and don't waver. She's in the wrong for entertaining the guy at all. 

I would tell her though, if you stop confiding in me, we're done. And mean it. You should not have to put up with another man, especially this POS, coming between you and your wife. You have to be strong, and be a little cold. She needs to see how hurt and angry you are, and if that doesn't matter to her, then there's your answer to move on.

You can't force her to change, though. But, you can control how you deal with this. All too often, I see on these forums, men who start caving in because they don't want their wives mad at them, or they miss the sex, or they don't want to drive their wives into the arms of the guy they're arguing over. But, that never works.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

You make some good points, but I also think that there's another aspect to this. His "taking over" might imply to her first that her opinion doesn't count and second that she's incapable of ending it.

As for the problem EX, I'd suggest a lawyer writing the EX a letter spelling things out.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> Do not apologize to your wife. Do not sweep this under the rug. Your wife is manipulating you by inferring you're insecure, and controlling. Stay angry over it. She needs to see that in you. She needs to sever the ties to this guy or you should walk. Honestly, that's my opinion. I wouldn't keep arguing about it, but I would stand your ground and don't waver. She's in the wrong for entertaining the guy at all.
> 
> I would tell her though, if you stop confiding in me, we're done. And mean it. You should not have to put up with another man, especially this POS, coming between you and your wife. You have to be strong, and be a little cold. She needs to see how hurt and angry you are, and if that doesn't matter to her, then there's your answer to move on.
> 
> You can't force her to change, though. But, you can control how you deal with this. All too often, I see on these forums, men who start caving in because they don't want their wives mad at them, or they miss the sex, or they don't want to drive their wives into the arms of the guy they're arguing over. But, that never works.


This is exactly the policy that is promoted in the book "Hold on to Your Nuts." OP should check it out.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

linecon0 said:


> My problem know is *my wife is mad at me for "not letting her deal with it her own way"*. I was the one who suggested she tell this guy she was married and to leave her alone. *It has been obvious to me for 6 months that his intent was to try and get back with my wife.* He wasn't asking about his kids, he was asking about my wife's day, etc... I am mad at my wife for not standing up for our marriage from the start. She says she just didn't care what he said, that it doesn't matter. What matters though, is that it bothers me that her ex-husband is trying to get back with her and she isn't shutting that down immediately and now I'm sort of ******* for suggesting mentioning she is married to him.
> 
> *She has admitted I was right about how she should have handled this situation *but I can't help resenting her for not thinking of this, on her own, for the last 6 months.
> 
> She now says she can't confide it me because I just blow up but I have had to endure this for months. There are lots of other things I have had to endure that is not your normal every day run of the mill marriage stuff but I do the best I can.


She's not pissed because you told her how to handle it she's pissed because you cut off her ego kibble supply from her Ex. She was loving the attention, especially after he left her for the chick that just broke it off with him.

@linecon0 go back and read @deidre 's last post a few times, especially the part about your wife's refusal to confide in you is what should get her walking papers. If she refuses to confide in you then she is actively hiding stuff from you, and that my friend is a very slippery slope that never regresses, it will only get worse.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Betrayedone said:


> This is exactly the policy that is promoted in the book "Hold on to Your Nuts." OP should check it out.


Not a lot, but sometimes, with past bf's, I've said things to get a guy to back down, or to ''win'' an argument. It wasn't right, but men argue differently than women, and looking back, I never want to be like that in my marriage. If I treat my husband poorly ever, I want to own it. Not make him feel like everything is always his fault, and because I'm a woman, and cry and what not, he should just back down.

It's perfectly okay to stand your ground as men on here, when your wives do things to hurt you and the marriage. You matter just as much. No man or woman should feel bad that their spouse can't talk to ex spouses to get their egos stroked. And if they tell you that you're being controlling, that's just a ploy to get you to back down, so that they can go back to doing things behind your back. 

Stop begging to be the chosen one.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

linecon0 said:


> So, last night we had it out and she sent him a reply stating she was married and his emails are unappreciated, etc. He replied back that he just wanted to sit down and talk and "see where things went from there". He also said some things about him "not knowing how to start all over again" after his most recent divorce (from the woman he cheated with and married). He said he wouldn't send any more emails and that he meant no disrespect to our marriage.
> 
> My problem know is *my wife is mad at me for "not letting her deal with it her own way"*. Except she DIDN'T handle it if it was going on for 6 months. What was "her way" of dealing with it? What did she say she would do that would miraculously handle it NOW (after you found out)? I was the one who suggested she tell this guy she was married and to leave her alone. It has been obvious to me for 6 months that his intent was to try and get back with my wife. He wasn't asking about his kids, he was asking about my wife's day, etc... I am mad at my wife for not standing up for our marriage from the start. She says she just didn't care what he said, that it doesn't matter. What matters though, is that it bothers me that her ex-husband is trying to get back with her and she isn't shutting that down immediately and now I'm sort of ******* for suggesting mentioning she is married to him. Yeah, what does SHE say about not standing up for YOUR marriage?
> 
> ...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Not a lot, but sometimes, with past bf's, I've said things to get a guy to back down, or to ''win'' an argument. It wasn't right, but men argue differently than women, and looking back, I never want to be like that in my marriage. If I treat my husband poorly ever, I want to own it. Not make him feel like everything is always his fault, and because I'm a woman, and cry and what not, he should just back down.
> 
> It's perfectly okay to stand your ground as men on here, when your wives do things to hurt you and the marriage. You matter just as much. No man or woman should feel bad that their spouse can't talk to ex spouses to get their egos stroked. And if they tell you that you're being controlling, that's just a ploy to get you to back down, so that they can go back to doing things behind your back.
> 
> Stop begging to be the chosen one.


Glad your back. :smile2:

Couldn't say it better myself.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Since there are no longer any feelings between your wife and her ex, let it go. Since he's the (basically loser) father of her children..she can't really block him as he could certainly get shared custody of the kids again if he hasn't already.

Showing up at his door isn't going to do much good right now as again, there are kids involved. Nobody wants their stepkids to think what her ex may pass on regarding ugly things about you as he could certainly tell them you threatened him or whatever. At that point, he could even file a police report if he wanted to and then things could get really ugly.

A "Ceast and Desist" letter isn't going to do it either and he could show this to their children and tell them anything he wants to. Not sure of their ages, but he could bring it up later, making you look like a real jerk of a stepdad.

Stay the nice guy. I know it stinks that he's messaging her, but you already know she doesn't want anything to do with him..except for the fact that he fathered her kids.

I repeat..stay the nice guy..she's all yours..and your wife. You're the one going to bed with her at night along with you and her having custody of the kids..not him so take that as a few feathers in your cap also!! 

Hang in there!!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

So you're cherry-picking which posts you want to answer, and ignoring the ones that ask VALID questions that are very pertinent to your situation.

So, I'll ask *again*.

What are her supposed 'legal' reasons for not blocking this POS? Is there some kind of new law that forbids a woman from blocking her POS ex-H from sending her emails? It must be a brand new law because I've never heard of it.

Your wife is a lying sneak. You know why? Because the POS deserted his kids *years* ago and even NOW wants nothing to do with his kids. I'm also willing to bet said POS probably never paid child support or is in serious arrears for thousands of dollars and will always find ways to avoid paying it. The only minor is the 14 year old. Does she honestly want you to believe that Super Dad - *who doesn't give a rat's ass about his own kids *- is going to suddenly choke up thousands and thousands of dollars JUST to take her to court to fight for custody of a teenage kid he can't even be BOTHERED to call on the phone? 

_*Seriously?*_

Get your testicles out of her purse and shut this **** show DOWN.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Per post #13, POS pays child support.

Wife doesn't have to keep any e-mails because the burden of proof is on pos - not the wife. As soon as a judge hears that pos hasn't had any visitation or phone calls in YEARS, then it would be case dismissed. 

She wanted this to keep going as a salve for her bruised ego. Frankly, she might be jumping for joy that he's so miserable. He's definitely
fishing in your pond. 

She's the one you married and have to worry about. So, stand back and let it play out. Put a keylogger on the computer and give yourself a time frame to monitor the situation. Only you know how much you can tolerate.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Put you foot down!
Tell your wife to stop or get the **** out!

Have some respect for yourself! The longer you let this go on the less respect your wife will have for you.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

linecon0 said:


> So, last night we had it out and she sent him a reply stating she was married and his emails are unappreciated, etc. He replied back that he just wanted to sit down and talk and "see where things went from there". He also said some things about him "not knowing how to start all over again" after his most recent divorce (from the woman he cheated with and married). He said he wouldn't send any more emails and that he meant no disrespect to our marriage.
> 
> My problem know is my wife is mad at me for "not letting her deal with it her own way". I was the one who suggested she tell this guy she was married and to leave her alone. It has been obvious to me for 6 months that his intent was to try and get back with my wife. He wasn't asking about his kids, he was asking about my wife's day, etc... I am mad at my wife for not standing up for our marriage from the start. She says she just didn't care what he said, that it doesn't matter. What matters though, is that it bothers me that her ex-husband is trying to get back with her and she isn't shutting that down immediately and now I'm sort of ******* for suggesting mentioning she is married to him.
> 
> ...


Let me see if I understand this... SHE NEVER TOLD THIS POS THAT SHE WAS MARRIED? 

Are you freaking kidding me. 

Dude, she has be lying to you from the start. You got bigger problems than him sending emails. No woman is that stupid, she liked hearing from him. 

You are being a fool through out this whole thread. 

The things you say in this last post here, are HUGE red flags for your marriage, you need to wake up, now...


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## linecon0 (Jun 26, 2012)

I knew POS was married.

I don't think she liked hearing from him because she never wanted to reply to him at all. She told me she didn't want to reply to him because she hates him, doesn't care about him, and doesn't want him knowing anything about her new life because it's none of his business.

She said she didn't want to block him completely so she could show a judge that every one of his emails, he never asks about his kids.


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