# Words of wisdom



## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Tomorrow is our first counseling session. I'm a little nervous and scared. Can anyone give me some advice or what to prepare for? Also would it be weird if I brought a paper with some of my emotions and questions written down? I'm afraid I'll get to the session and either be a ball of nerves or emotions and be unable to think clearly.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Be prepared that this is a getting to know you session. You will likely get to know the counselor and she/he will get to know you and your wife. 

Don't be too afraid that you are going to go too deep too quick. It's at your pace usually. Have the questions/emotions written down. It's good that you do. Don't expect to get to all of them. 

It take a good 4-5 sessions to really begin seeing movement. Counseling is a process and takes time. 

It's totally normal to be fearful and anxious. Know that this is a positive first step.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I made it through our first counseling session. My H even showed up and contributed... some.

Our counselor is very nice and down to earth. I felt like I could talk to her openly. She understood our problems and realized that we are both at very different points (me wanting to fix things, my H not sure/not so much). 

She gave us an assignment to work on. We are to set aside one evening a week to call each other and only talk about positive things. We cannot talk about our issues because that is only further driving us apart. We also have to set aside time during the weekend to do things together. She wants concrete plans including, what, where, when, how long, etc. 

She even gave us a plan of action for the afternoon after our session. We had to go to lunch and talk about positive things, drive to Lowe's for something fun to do, hold hands (this was hard after having no physical contact in over a month), and then hug and kiss each other on the cheek before we parted ways. 

This was hard and awkward to do. I REALLY enjoyed spending time with my H and talking to him. It felt like old times. But it was also difficult given all the things that have transpired. 

Today is our 4 year anniversary and I have yet to hear anything from my H (no email, text, nada). I'm trying to keep my mind off of the significance of this day. 

I would be willing to bet that my H at some point says that he either cannot do these assignments with me because he's ready to move on or that he enjoys spending time with me only as a friend. I truly have this gut feeling. 

I feel slightly better after our session but I don't know how truly committed my H is about this, even though he agreed to counseling and the activities. This is the hardest thing to deal with right now...not knowing.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Not knowing is one of the hardest parts of this. Not knowing if you will survive as a couple. Not knowing if you (he) wants to. Not knowing if you are following the right course of action. Unfortunately the not knowing is a required part of recovery. And if you don't take those steps you will be left with the worst not knowing. Not knowing if you gave it all you had. Regardless of what your husband decides, give it everything and if it doesn't work out you will have pride in "knowing" you left nothing in the tank. Counseling is a great way to start. Good luck.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Not knowing is what is killing me. However, I can't keep dwelling on what I think he is thinking. I can only focus on the fact that he is willing to get help and contribute to our activities.

I've realized that I can only change me. I will have to wow him like I am trying to wow the people I am working with in my new job. 

If we decide to divorce, I want to be very certain that it is our very best option. I don't want regret.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Amp is right...not knowing. 

mls31: You have a great attitude. This is what has gotten me through to this point. We can only change ourselves and doing our very best....no regrets! This kind of sentiment will see you through some rough times. 

I'm glad your first session was so active. The HW will be strange as it is a method to draw you towards a connection. Ackward yes...but it's good to feel movement. Even if you think, his is fake.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I got an email from my H today. It said, "give me your honest opinion on how you think our first counseling session went." 

My heart sunk when I read this because in my mind I KNOW how he wants me to answer. He wants me to say, "these sessions and assignments won't change anything; let's get a divorce." 

I sent him an email back explaining that I really liked the counselor and that I realize this is a very small step towards a very huge problem. I told him I was willing to try and give it my all. I also said that I really enjoyed spending time with him and that I still have deep feelings for him. 

For some reason my email or his is not working because he texted me to tell me he didn't get my email. At this point I'm not sending it again because I texted him to give me his opinion of the session and I haven't heard anything from him yet. I don't even know if this discussion falls into what we can discuss according to our counselor. 

I think I've discovered a reason why he wants to divorce too. It dawned on me that my H manages and works with a lot of college age students during the summer. He became friends with a lot of them (don't get me started, I always thought it was odd/unprofessional, my H is 26) and hung out with some of them after work. I don't think he cheated on me with any of them (most of them had boyfriends/girlfriends that tagged along with them when they went out) but I do think he likes the attention he gets from them. I also think he likes their young, carefree and single lifestyles. He never did feel comfortable with the responsibilities of being an adult and husband. Just something I thought of this week.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

You are in a really frustrating place.

Reading through your posts it seems that 

1. You have been aware of some on -going tension around your husbands commitent to his job. Maybe some resentment on your part? Maybe some lack of compromise on his part?

2. Things came to a head when you made a choice that seemed good for your career and consequently for some of the hopes and dreams that you have for the future - 

3. This has brought into sharp relief the extent to which your H appears to be inconsiderate of your feelings about how much he works and how little time that leaves for you as a couple.

4. You are feeling and hurt on top of the years of nagging disapointment about feeling second best.

5. However you want to make things work - 

6. Your H is at best ambivalent about this 

7. You have mentioned quite a few times that your H is motivated by the desire to 'look good' - and that what others think of him is important.

8. You have now related this to some his relations with younger colleagues? at work -

9. You are being out in the position of trying to come up with answers/ explanations....

As others have said it is so sad but it is unlilkely that your H is going to cough up those answers - 

Although you will probably get them in 'the fullness of time' as they say....

He sounds like he has some of the hallmarks of passive agressive beahviour - 
not liking confrontation - and yet finding a way to get exactly what he wants 

You are having to adjust your vision of your relationship and of your H very quickly - 

it is so shocking when they don't let you in on how they are feeling until it is too late 

So sorry you are going through this - but in a way it is better that it has come to a head now before you've had those kids you want.

Have a think about whether this is the guy you want to be the father of those kids....

sorry if this is a harsh way of putting it


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Knortoh, you hit the nail on the head! 

It seems like I'm getting a little more clarity on what's going on with my H's thinking. I've come to theses conclusions:

1. Spouses should want to spend time together. Even if one works long hours, they should want to come home to their spouse. I think my H thought that spending time with me was more of a chore or duty.

2. My H is an only child. His parents and family thinks he walks on water. They hang on his every word and believe he can do no wrong. He is upset he's not getting that kind of attention from me. I respect him but I don't fawn over him. 

3. He is immature. He told me his happiest moments with me were our carefree days when we were in college. He never could handle the stress and responsibilities of being a H. 

I did get an email from him to today that said he had feelings for me but not the same feelings I have for him, meaning he would rather be my friend than my H. 

I have to laugh at this because right now he's not acting like a friend. Best friends don't ignore each other or exclude them from their lives. 

I'm not sure where to go from here. I would like him to continue counseling with me. However, if this is his attitude and he is unwilling to change then I don't need him in my life anymore. Sad to say.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls31 said:


> I did get an email from him to today that said he had feelings for me but not the same feelings I have for him, meaning he would rather be my friend than my H.
> 
> I have to laugh at this because right now he's not acting like a friend. Best friends don't ignore each other or exclude them from their lives.
> 
> ...


You are sounding quite clear but it is very sad. 

hope things continue to become clearer for you...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Have you done any checking in regards to an affair? I know he hasn't admitted anything but....(cell records, showing up on campus or his outtings unexpectedly)

By the way, my H engaged in counseling. He'd do the homework assignments in the parking lot before the session. He REALLY put alot of thought in those written assignment. 

When the MC came to a head and he said he wanted a divorce...I told him that I didn't get it. I didn't understand why he didn't want to try. It was beyond me. During the MC session he mentioned reading a book on children and divorce. I asked him "how many books did he read on saving your marriage?" He said "none." Point made. Even when he was unhappy and NEVER told me. NEVER. He didn't pick up a book or access the internet or talk to me. 

He told me he tried! Tried what? Mental telepathy.

I would exhaust all avenues that you want. It will make you feel like, at least, you've tried everything. You can leave with a clear conscious.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I have asked him more than once if there is someone in waiting and he says that's the furthest thing from his mind. 

I can't check his cell phone records because he has a plan through his work. I can check our credit cards and bank accounts and I haven't noticed anything suspicious. 

I think to him the single life is more appealing now than being married. 

He really has a warped idea about friendship. I know he likes spending time with his young employees but I don't think they CARE about him as much as he thinks. 

I don't know how much more I can take of someone faking that they want to be my friend. But I do know later on down the road he will realize how much he gave up.


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