# Married for 2 years and already passionless



## HRB (Sep 10, 2013)

I would appreciate any ideas to spice up a 2 year marriage that has gone pretty dull lately.

We've known each other for over 5 years, have been married for 2. We were mutually attracted to each other when first meeting. We had a very active sex life. Since being married, and especially after having a baby, the passion is pretty much gone. We hardly ever have sex. Don't even kiss or hug most of the time. Forget romance. I miss him telling me how he feels and that he is attracted to me. I am back to my pre pregnancy weight, so it can't be my body. He likes really long hair, which I had, but I cut off ten inches to donate to Locks of Love right after the baby was born. Could something random like that be the reason?

I understand this happens a lot after a baby is born, but here I am putting myself out there for some love and affection and nothing is happening. I am the one who gets up with the baby - he sleeps in another room so he is getting a full night's sleep - I don't think it could be a "I'm too tired," thing.

I initiate almost everything. I just don't understand how two people can go from having a great physical relationship for 3 years to pretty much nothing. I really miss the closeness between us. I've told him a couple times but he doesn't think it's a big deal.

I'm pretty bummed out about it. If this is only 2 years in, I'm in trouble. I love feeling "in love." We conduct ourselves like two 80 year olds eating dinner at 5 o'clock, then watching tv, retiring around 8 pm every night, when the baby goes to sleep. 

I'd love some ideas to spice up the marriage or feedback as to what you think might be going on with my husband. I miss cuddling and the touchy feely stuff very much. Like I said, I initiate most of the time. It would be great if HE did every once in a while so I knew he still regarded me as he did three years ago.

Thank you!


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

I do hear your pain. I have been though similar things to this but as a new father. My wife became disinterested.

Maybe he is stressed about money and its influencing his drive or that he is fearful of another pregnancy and its influencing the way he sees sex.

Have you tried to find out what's up?

Do you have any suspicions your husband is getting his needs met elsewhere? 

Might he be relieving himself with porn?

Is he on any medication? some medicines affect sex drive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You're going to have to ramp up the communication and ask him what the deal is.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Do you still date each other? 

C


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## Gamerr (Sep 17, 2013)

How about some cleaning together?


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## HRB (Sep 10, 2013)

soulseer said:


> I do hear your pain. I have been though similar things to this but as a new father. My wife became disinterested.
> 
> Maybe he is stressed about money and its influencing his drive or that he is fearful of another pregnancy and its influencing the way he sees sex.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your responses. I have tried bringing this subject up several times, but he doesn't see it as a problem I guess, because he says it's not a big deal. 

He's never mentioned money. We both have an income. We pretty much lead the same type of life before baby was born (financially). I also doubt it's fear of another pregnancy, but I could check to make sure. I also doubt he's playing around or turning to porn. He's not on any medication.

Nope, we don't "date." Haven't been out one single time since baby was born. He did bring me flowers the other day, so I thought that was a green light for some action, but he fell asleep early that night.

I guess I'll just have to ask him again to explain what's going on. But at this point it's rather annoying. I do have some pride ;-)


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

He's gay.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> You're going to have to ramp up the communication and ask him what the deal is.


This is it. You have to talk to each other.

I had some issues while my wife was pregnant with our first and after the birth. While I know better, I do, I had some internal fears that I was going to hurt her or the baby while she was preganant, and after... well, it just seemed like she'd been through so much... run over by a semi... losing sleep, and I didn't want to add to that discomfort. Two seperate but very similar issues which both resulted in me shutting down and pushing her away. 

In both cases she was able to communicate her needs by basically attacking me a few times and communicating her need to be laid...hard.

Go on a few dates. Get romantic. Flirt. Tell him what you want...And then chase him through the house naked.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Don't ask him to explain. You tell him how you're feeling about it. Be direct. Tell him that it hurts you that he's not interested in being affectionate unless you initiate. Tell him you are worried about the future of your relationship if this keeps up, and tell him you want to work on this together.

Asking him what's going on hasn't gotten you anywhere. He's not opening up to anything. So now you TELL him what's going on with you so he's aware of how serious it is for _you_.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

There's 3 reasons men don't want to have sex with their wives:

1. They are gay. Any potential flags here?

2. They are getting off another way. Usually by cheating, or porn.

3. They have low testosterone. Google it and see if he has any other symptoms of low t.


That's it... not including #2, I think I have turned down sex once in my life because I couldn't keep my eyes open, and my words were "you can rape me while I sleep, I won't mind." No normal, healthy man will ever turn down sex.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

4. They are just not that sexual.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

COguy said:


> 3. They have low testosterone.


I have very low testosterone and would take my wife three times a day if she didn't hate me.

Or, to clarify. I would take my wife three times a day. Unfortunately, she hates me and hasn't offered it up three times in our marriage.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> 4. They are just not that sexual.


Non-sexual guys are either Gay, getting it somewhere else, or have low T.

It's biological, has nothing to do with personality types. Sexuality is directly determined by testosterone, so a guy that doesn't want to have sex is either low on it, or is fulfilling that desire in another way.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

That is not correct, COguy. There are many reasons for either gender to be LD or just not that sexual. Men are not always "hot for sex", many of them simply place a lower priority on sex than other areas of their lives. Having known personally many men like this, it is easy to see it.

It does a disservice to everyone to ignore this very real part of the sexual spectrum in males and try to paint these males out of the picture.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> That is not correct, COguy. There are many reasons for either gender to be LD or just not that sexual. Men are not always "hot for sex", many of them simply place a lower priority on sex than other areas of their lives. Having known personally many men like this, it is easy to see it.
> 
> It does a disservice to everyone to ignore this very real part of the sexual spectrum in males and try to paint these males out of the picture.


Your comment isn't supported anecdotally or via science. Drug makers have already shown time and again that men have a direct reaction to libido increasing drugs.

Unless you know the detailed masturbation or sex habits of these men you talk to, as well as their testosterone level, it's irrelevant anyway. That all men don't think about sex is a woman's fantasy that isn't supported by reality. A NORMAL, HEALTHY, male is a sexual being, it is hard coded into our DNA. It doesn't make us rapist neanderthals, but if a man was having good sex with his wife, and now isn't, there is a clear reason for it.

Men have a sex DRIVE. It means there is a biological instinct there that needs to be fulfilled. It can't be willed away by emotion like a woman's sexuality.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You are wrong, and there is plenty of scientific evidence.

"There are no LD men" is part of the same myth that "there are no HD women".


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> You are wrong, and there is plenty of scientific evidence.
> 
> "There are no LD men" is part of the same myth that "there are no HD women".


I didn't say there are no LD men, only that it is a direct correlation to hormone imbalances. Unlike women who are not linked as directly to hormones for their sexual drive.

Don't bother arguing back and forth with me about it unless you have direct medical research to assert an opposing claim, as the medical community has pretty much nixed the problem with libido increasing drugs.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> You are wrong, and there is plenty of scientific evidence.
> 
> "There are no LD men" is part of the same myth that "there are no HD women".


In my early 20's, I had virtually no sex drive. I was active, healthy, and fully functioning. The issue was that I was too busy being pissed off at women to want sex. Hormones were fine and yet I went 2.5 years without sex and did not really care. So, just to echo your sentiments male sex drive is not always a matter of hormones.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200303/when-men-suffer-low-sex-drive

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-new-brain/201303/low-testosterone-where-s-the-beef

That's just a couple...I could paste links all day long. There is tons of research, articles, etc.

Sex drive, in both genders, is far more complicated than simply hormones.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

tyler1978 said:


> In my early 20's, I had virtually no sex drive. I was active, healthy, and fully functioning. The issue was that I was too busy being pissed off at women to want sex. Hormones were fine and yet I went 2.5 years without sex and did not really care. So, just to echo your sentiments male sex drive is not always a matter of hormones.


What were your masturbation habits then?


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

COguy said:


> What were your masturbation habits then?


Once a week or less.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

COguy said:


> There's 3 reasons men don't want to have sex with their wives:
> 
> 1. They are gay. Any potential flags here?
> 
> ...


That's not it.

Lots of possibilities.

One comes to mind that you missed: They're not attracted to their wife anymore. Maybe because she put on a lot of weight?

Happens all the time. 

I'm 50 and my girlfriend is 44. She's got a stronger drive than me. I'm good for twice a week, she'd be happy with tripple that. I'd "turn down" sex and I'm a normal healthy guy, thank you very much.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Loss of attraction

Intimacy issues

Resentment issues against a partner

Mental issues/use of anti-depressants

Sex abuse issues (far more common for males than what is suspected)

FOO issues (bad examples)

Religious or other based shame surrounding sex

Stress

........all of these can affect the sex drive of *either gender*.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

HRB said:


> *Nope, we don't "date." Haven't been out one single time since baby was born. He did bring me flowers the other day, so I thought that was a green light for some action, but he fell asleep early that night.*
> 
> I guess I'll just have to ask him again to explain what's going on. But at this point it's rather annoying. I do have some pride ;-)


I am going to be the one who comes out and says it. 

Tell him you understand that life is busy, but you are going to spice things up soon and fast. 

Get a babysitter. That's it, period end of story. I know you love your child, but give BOTH OF YOU an entire night off, and drag him back into the marital bed where he belongs. 

Once you get your night off, just pull out all the stops and see how he responds. 

If you get success. Arrange a WEEKEND away from your child and make it clear that barring an ER call from your kids sitter you two are getting private, alone time in a hotel with one bed. P.S. What is happening that weekend is a forgone CONCLUSION. 

Once you experience success with your dating. Start dragging his arse back to bed and buy a baby monitor. If you only have a one bedroom apartment. Do what I did....

Put the kid to bed, make a "love nest" on the family room floor. You both got to get yours. 

Good luck. You sound like you are a good Mom. If kids have him down, get on the pill so there is no worries on his part on getting you pregnant. For a long while, that was a big concern of mine. But when she was on the pill, sex wasn't an issue. 

I hope this helps.


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## HRB (Sep 10, 2013)

Well, this thread took an interesting turn!

I guess I didn't make it clear enough in my original
post...my husband and I had a ridiculously good
sex life up until shortly after we got married.
Both very into it and very affectionate. I have always
been the majority initiator but in the past he would
also from time to time. He hardly ever does now.

No, he's not gay and doesn't take medication for
any condition. I have to conclude that it might just
be he isn't attracted to me as much as before.

I suppose I will approach the topic once again and
Let him know how it makes me feel. I doubt
anything will change though. The dating scenarios
sound great.

Thanks for the suggestions!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

HRB said:


> I have to conclude that it might just
> be he isn't attracted to me as much as before.


Has your physical appearance changed recently?


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

If you read the thread the OP stated that she has NOT gained weight (or rather she has lost all the baby weight and is back to the size she was pre-pregnancy) but she has recently cut off a significant amount of her hair.

I can't imagine her H's sex drive dying completely over a haircut but of course only he can answer the question!

Is it possible his desire for her has waned because he now sees her as a mother and not a sexual woman? (Madonna/*****?)


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

OP

I suggest you both read the Five Love Languages and His Needs Her Needs.


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## HRB (Sep 10, 2013)

My physical appearance DID change - I gained weight with the pregnancy, but lost it and am back to what a weighed before. The baby is 6 months old and my husband was in the room for delivery. I guess it's a possibility that he is scarred from witnessing the birth...that was one of the first things I asked when the affection/sex stopped, but he denied it. I was ready to have sex right at the 6 week check-up and all's clear from the doctor. Because he acted disinterested, we didn't do anything until around 11 weeks after baby was born. I was crushed. I worked really hard to lose the weight I put on - working out with baby right next to me asleep, but....nothing.

My hair is a lot shorter. Like I said, he prefers long hair. I seriously think he is being a tool if this attraction thing is over HAIR. It grows back. I donated it for God's sake.

We got into an argument about something else last night, and I slept in another room, so I'm not really in the mood to approach this subject currently, but when I am, I'll take your advice. Thank you for your time!


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

I denied it, too, because I knew it was unfounded... knew it, but still considered her delicate, fragile, and damaged....and even though I knew it was unfounded, I wasn't going to add to her discomfort.

It was a mental speed bump that I needed to work through. Having her aggresively come after me helped immensly. After a few memorable escapades, I realized that there was no way in hell that she was even remotely broken.

Is your child still sleeping in the bed with you?


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## HRB (Sep 10, 2013)

41362 said:


> I denied it, too, because I knew it was unfounded... knew it, but still considered her delicate, fragile, and damaged....and even though I knew it was unfounded, I wasn't going to add to her discomfort.
> 
> It was a mental speed bump that I needed to work through. Having her aggresively come after me helped immensly. After a few memorable escapades, I realized that there was no way in hell that she was even remotely broken.
> 
> Is your child still sleeping in the bed with you?


Thank you so much for the additional insight as to what he may be thinking. I appreciate it!

The baby does sleep in our bed for the most part, but starts out alone. There have been opportunities for us to have cuddle/alone time before she wakes up the first time at night, but nothing really ever happens. He almost always falls asleep early :-(

I'm definitely not opposed to aggressively pursuing him until he gets the point, but I'd ultimately want to be pursued sometimes too. Just knowing I'm desired by my partner goes a long way! I'm very anxious about years to come. If this is not resolved, I see the once-a-year birthday sex in my future!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

HRB...You will have to have some direct talks with him.

Something about marriage that no one tells you: When they say "marriage takes work", having difficult conversations is the biggest part of that work.

I am sure the more you actually communicate and the less you assume, the better your understanding of each other will be and the better the chances that you can change this around is.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Get the kid out of the bed. 

I don't disagree with your husband. Long hair or at least longer hair does it for me. But it wouldn't make someone unattractive if they can pull it off. 

Besides getting your kid out of the marital bed as soon as possible. (A big challenge I know.) How old is your child again, I may have missed that detail. 

You need to turn the temperature up. This may sound crazy, but turning the temperature up and him "responding positively" is what you need first. 

Once you meet success in that category. Give him one chore. Tell him a way to initiate. But understand he may be nervous and it may feel awkward for you at first. But give it time, and allow his confidence to come back. 

Also, he sleeps "alot" for a man. Is he young? Old? Middle aged? Does he work more then one job? What's up with that?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

HRB said:


> I am back to my pre pregnancy weight, so it can't be my body. He likes really long hair, which I had, but I cut off ten inches to donate to Locks of Love right after the baby was born. Could something random like that be the reason?
> 
> I am the one who gets up with the baby - he sleeps in another room so he is getting a full night's sleep - I don't think it could be a "I'm too tired," thing.
> 
> ...


I think you lose a great connection when you don't sleep in the same bed. It's Ok that HE gets woken up by the baby, too. Lord knows, a little loss of sleep won't kill him. He needs to take ownership of his fatherhood. And you both need to take ownership of your marriage and sleep in the marital bed together............JMO

About the hair, it COULD have an impact on him that you cut it so short, BUT it can/will grow back. If he's lost interest due to your short(er) hair, then I'd be questioning the real reasons he was attracted to you in the first place. Are you letting your hair grow out again?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

pink_lady said:


> Is it possible his desire for her has waned because he now sees her as a mother and not a sexual woman? (Madonna/*****?)


Could be. Sadly, some men are like that.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You are right you may need to take a firm hand in correcting this problem. Have your considered a bustier and a whip? I think he has been a very bad boy.

Seriously, you can't let this slide, it has to be addressed. If he has no desire, then you need to set up counseling, so you can have a professional help get at the root of this problem. How is the intimacy outside of sex?


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

HRB said:


> Thank you so much for the additional insight as to what he may be thinking. I appreciate it!
> 
> The baby does sleep in our bed for the most part, but starts out alone. There have been opportunities for us to have cuddle/alone time before she wakes up the first time at night, but nothing really ever happens. He almost always falls asleep early :-(
> 
> I'm definitely not opposed to aggressively pursuing him until he gets the point, but I'd ultimately want to be pursued sometimes too. Just knowing I'm desired by my partner goes a long way! I'm very anxious about years to come. If this is not resolved, I see the once-a-year birthday sex in my future!


How old is the baby?

Was it his idea or your idea for him to sleep in another room?


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## HRB (Sep 10, 2013)

41362 said:


> How old is the baby?
> 
> She is almost 6 months old. She's not my first baby, but she is his first.
> 
> Was it his idea or your idea for him to sleep in another room?


He is so grumpy if he doesn't get his full night's sleep. I have raging insomnia anyway, so I told him if he wanted to sleep in his mancave he could, so he did that for the first 4 months. However, when our daughter started sleeping longer, he came back into our room.



hope4family said:


> Get the kid out of the bed.
> 
> I don't disagree with your husband. Long hair or at least longer hair does it for me. But it wouldn't make someone unattractive if they can pull it off.
> 
> ...


I'm not sure why his confidence would have been affected. I'm not any less attracted to HIM, and initiate things between us. I am more puzzled the more I read everyone's replies and suggestions. The only way I'll know for sure is if I ask him what's up and hope he tells me the truth.

He just turned 30. And yes, he sleeps a ton. I am older. Not saying by how much ;-)


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## HRB (Sep 10, 2013)

VFW said:


> You are right you may need to take a firm hand in correcting this problem. Have your considered a bustier and a whip? I think he has been a very bad boy.
> 
> Seriously, you can't let this slide, it has to be addressed. If he has no desire, then you need to set up counseling, so you can have a professional help get at the root of this problem. How is the intimacy outside of sex?


We have a big communication problem. We rarely talk about anything other than trivial stuff. I sometimes want to have a conversation about politics or current events, but that doesn't go over real well.

Like the sex, we USED to kiss and hug all the time when dating. Could not keep our hands off each other. Real puke worthy stuff. I cannot even remember the last time we kissed, other than a quick peck on the cheek or something.

I remember feeling kinda hurt about that when waiting for the 6 week post partum check up. I told him point blank, I'd love to just make out or something and he looked at me like I had three heads.


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## HRB (Sep 10, 2013)

southern wife said:


> I think you lose a great connection when you don't sleep in the same bed. It's Ok that HE gets woken up by the baby, too. Lord knows, a little loss of sleep won't kill him. He needs to take ownership of his fatherhood. And you both need to take ownership of your marriage and sleep in the marital bed together............JMO
> 
> About the hair, it COULD have an impact on him that you cut it so short, BUT it can/will grow back. If he's lost interest due to your short(er) hair, then I'd be questioning the real reasons he was attracted to you in the first place. Are you letting your hair grow out again?


I would be really annoyed if it truly was because of my haircut! It's not even that short. It's resting right above my shoulders!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Asking him what's up hasn't worked in the past.



> I have tried bringing this subject up several times, but he doesn't see it as a problem I guess, because *he says it's not a big deal.*


You need to stop asking him and TELL HIM it's a big deal to you and you want him to work with you to do something about it.

What do they say about doing the same thing and expecting different results? Right.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

HRB said:


> We have a big communication problem. We rarely talk about anything other than trivial stuff. I sometimes want to have a conversation about politics or current events, but that doesn't go over real well.
> 
> Like the sex, we USED to kiss and hug all the time when dating. Could not keep our hands off each other. Real puke worthy stuff. I cannot even remember the last time we kissed, other than a quick peck on the cheek or something.
> 
> I remember feeling kinda hurt about that when waiting for the 6 week post partum check up.* I told him point blank, I'd love to just make out or something and he looked at me like I had three heads.*


Stop talking and do it. Get in his face and put one on him. Get in his face and don't let him worm himself away from you. Seduce him with your ACTIONS. You have the passion in you and he needs to feel it. Don't allow him to slink away or even give you a look until you are done with him.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm not sexually aggressive most of the time, but when I want my husband he knows it. He's a good foot and a half taller than me, but I know how to get in his face and lay one on him.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"I remember feeling kinda hurt about that when waiting for the 6 week post partum check up. I told him point blank, I'd love to just make out or something and he looked at me like I had three heads."

This is actually a sign that he just isn't that sexual.

I hope you read up a lot on different sex drives and what can happen when a mismatch occurs.

This is something you will need to prepare yourself for, because to me, that is what I am reading. It isn't that uncommon.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> We were mutually attracted to each other when first meeting. We had a very active sex life. Since being married, and especially after having a baby, the passion is pretty much gone.





> my husband and I had a ridiculously good
> sex life up until shortly after we got married.
> Both very into it and very affectionate. I have always
> been the majority initiator but in the past he would
> also from time to time. He hardly ever does now.


Was it a bait and switch type of thing? I would have to wonder what happened. Marriage all but killed the sex. The baby buried it. Before either, things were hot and heavy. I don't get it either.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Why is a 30 year old man going to bed at 8 o'clock? What time does he get up in the morning?


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## HRB (Sep 10, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> Why is a 30 year old man going to bed at 8 o'clock? What time does he get up in the morning?


Oh, how I have the same thought, nightly, as I stew in bed, awake.

He works shifts: 5 days one week and then two days the following week. On the days he works he gets up at 3:30 am to work out, even though he doesn't have to be at work until 6:00 am. He is gone until 6:30 pm. He eats dinner, then falls asleep guaranteed, anywhere between 7 and 8 pm. On the days he has off, he usually goes back to bed later in the morning, or takes a nap in the afternoon, and might stay up until 9 at night if he doesn't have to work in the morning.

I've asked him to go get a physical 1000 times. I hate being a nag. I can't force him to go. If he doesn't want to do something, he doesn't do it.


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## HRB (Sep 10, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Stop talking and do it. Get in his face and put one on him. Get in his face and don't let him worm himself away from you. Seduce him with your ACTIONS. You have the passion in you and he needs to feel it. Don't allow him to slink away or even give you a look until you are done with him.


This is good advice, and I really do appreciate it. But here's the part where I feel like a hypocrite:

While I DO want to work on this aspect of our marriage because I love him and I miss feeling close to him, I also feel like I shouldn't have to work THAT hard at getting some action! It's kinda insulting 

I'd imagine there are men that would give pretty much anything to have a wife who wanted a healthy, physical relationship with them. I want him to realize and appreciate how fortunate he is - that he could get a little somethin' somethin' anytime he wanted.

Asking him what's wrong, is futile. Telling him what would make me happy doesn't work either. I am willing to initiate and start things up, but if he doesn't respond and reciprocate (like the majority of time), I'm not exactly willing to continue to make a fool out of myself!

That's what it has come down to at this point


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

HRB said:


> This is good advice, and I really do appreciate it. But here's the part where I feel like a hypocrite:
> 
> While I DO want to work on this aspect of our marriage because I love him and I miss feeling close to him, I also feel like I shouldn't have to work THAT hard at getting some action! It's kinda insulting
> 
> ...


Sounds like a big gender reversal. Those hours though, are not natural though IMO. Unless you two are to sync up on sleeping hours. 

I want to make sure, if you initiate, are you welcomed? For now initiating might have to be something you do to work it out. Is it insulting and demeaning. Ha, welcome to most Men's world. 

But I want you to keep trying. As long as he isn't rejecting, you are experiencing success. Then implement the other plans and build some romance via dating and weekends out.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

6 months or more with not one date night isn't helping this situation. You need to have that alone time, not to mention, a break up in routine once in a while. If you don't do that, it's easy to get into a rut and become *bored* with one another (which I think is part of the problem).

Oh, and the baby has to sleep in their own bed. Nothing can kill romance faster than sharing the bed with a child. I know there are people that manage it, mainly by doing it in other areas of the home, but IMO the master bedroom should be a child free zone.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> 6 months or more with not one date night isn't helping this situation. You need to have that alone time, not to mention, a break up in routine once in a while. If you don't do that, it's easy to get into a rut and become *bored* with one another (which I think is part of the problem).
> 
> Oh, and the baby has to sleep in their own bed. Nothing can kill romance faster than sharing the bed with a child. I know there are people that manage it, mainly by doing it in other areas of the home, but IMO the master bedroom should be a child free zone.


Agree 100%

Even though he is back in the master bedroom, he may still harbor just a hint of resentment at your suggestion to leave... and, yes, he would deny that because he agreed to it.

Get the baby out of the bed and out of the room, get the lines of communication open, go on some dates.... have fun! Reconnect.

Oh, and keep initiating... he'll come around


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"I'd imagine there are men that would give pretty much anything to have a wife who wanted a healthy, physical relationship with them. I want him to realize and appreciate how fortunate he is - that he could get a little somethin' somethin' anytime he wanted."


What you will have to learn over time is that a truly LD person doesn't have this type of thinking. An LD person doesn't feel "lucky" to "get sex". They view sex as a chore. 

The more you write, the more I think your H is in this category.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> "I'd imagine there are men that would give pretty much anything to have a wife who wanted a healthy, physical relationship with them. I want him to realize and appreciate how fortunate he is - that he could get a little somethin' somethin' anytime he wanted."
> 
> 
> What you will have to learn over time is that a truly LD person doesn't have this type of thinking. An LD person doesn't feel "lucky" to "get sex". They view sex as a chore.
> ...


I dunno, Faithful Wife, she was pretty specific in her initial post:



> We had a very active sex life. Since being married, and especially after having a baby, the passion is pretty much gone. We hardly ever have sex.


The baby changed the dynamic and I think that there is a hint of resentment.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

HRB said:


> We have a big communication problem. We rarely talk about anything other than trivial stuff. I sometimes want to have a conversation about politics or current events, but that doesn't go over real well.
> 
> Like the sex, we USED to kiss and hug all the time when dating. Could not keep our hands off each other. Real puke worthy stuff. I cannot even remember the last time we kissed, other than a quick peck on the cheek or something.
> 
> I remember feeling kinda hurt about that when waiting for the 6 week post partum check up. I told him point blank, I'd love to just make out or something and he looked at me like I had three heads.


We had loads of sex when dating and for the first three years after marriage, or thereabouts. No kids to muddy the waters. Then it started dwindling. By 7 years it was down to once a week. By 15 years it was Christmas and birthday. Then it went to nothing.

Thinking back I was mostly the one who initiated. But after we got into the Sunday afternoon rut I stopped initiating at other times because it just resulted in rejection and like the OP I was not prepared to take the rejection. So in her shoes I would be wary about the advice to initiate constantly and force the issue. Some things just can't be forced and rejection could make things worse.

Lack of communication is a big issue and one that we had, too. Our talk was generally what he wanted to talk about and he didn't like it if I disagreed with him or played Devil's Advocate in a discussion.

He truly didn't realise how important being wanted sexually was to me. But then I didn't really tell him. I just initiated, and when I stopped doing that he probably found it a relief! In the end I nearly walked out. At that point the penny dropped. But with the way things were it took something that drastic to make him realise.

From my own experience I don't think that asking him to explain will be of much help. The OP has asked and he hasn't. He just says it's no big deal. I agree with the advice that the OP should tell him it IS a big deal for her and it is something that they have to deal with as a couple or the marriage could be doomed. She has to make him understand that this is not something that she would like but can do without like a slice of cake; a sex life is a fundamental part of a normal marriage.

Getting away together could help if the baby routine is causing the problem. In our case we were always going away and out together but it made not a jot of difference to our sex life.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

41362....I hear ya, but many men with LD wives claim the same about how prior to marriage things were different.

Sometimes the newness of a relationship will mask LD because of the extra lovely new chemicals being received. Those chemicals die off after about 3 - 4 years (sometimes sooner) and then a spouse in a relationship is left with what their body "really wants" in relation to how sexual they are. If your drive is lost after the newness of a relationship wears off, you are probably LD.

That doesn't mean this can't work out well even if he is LD. If he can realize that the lack of sex and passion is a problem and work with her on it, all can be fine and well.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> 41362....I hear ya, but many men with LD wives claim the same about how prior to marriage things were different.
> 
> Sometimes the newness of a relationship will mask LD because of the extra lovely new chemicals being received. Those chemicals die off after about 3 - 4 years (sometimes sooner) and then a spouse in a relationship is left with what their body "really wants" in relation to how sexual they are. If your drive is lost after the newness of a relationship wears off, you are probably LD.
> 
> That doesn't mean this can't work out well even if he is LD. If he can realize that the lack of sex and passion is a problem and work with her on it, all can be fine and well.


I'm not saying that you are wrong, Faithful Wife- you could be 100% correct on this one. It really wouldn't surprise me. That said, a baby (and this is his first) really can upset the apple cart. He's down on the priority list (or he feels that way), he was told that it was "okay" to leave the master bedroom, the baby is in that bed... they haven't had a date in six months...I think he's harboring some resentment that he will not discuss, probably because he knows it's not 100% true. 

We both agree that they have to communicate.

The work schedule isn't helping a bit.... though it is providing him with a hell of a good excuse to avoid discussion and sex


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yes the struggles of being a new father could account for all of this. I agree.

I just don't have that feeling in my gut based on some other things she is saying.


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## HRB (Sep 10, 2013)

hope4family said:


> Sounds like a big gender reversal. Those hours though, are not natural though IMO. Unless you two are to sync up on sleeping hours.
> 
> I want to make sure, if you initiate, are you welcomed? For now initiating might have to be something you do to work it out. Is it insulting and demeaning. Ha, welcome to most Men's world.
> 
> But I want you to keep trying. As long as he isn't rejecting, you are experiencing success. Then implement the other plans and build some romance via dating and weekends out.


I absolutely feel like the "guy" in the relationship the majority of the time. I can honestly say that most of the times that I initiate, it will result in some kind of physical activity, but a few times lately, it has not. There is only one time in five years, that he has flat out said, "no thanks," when I tried to do something, and that was directly after he played a couple basketball games and he was super wiped out.


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## HRB (Sep 10, 2013)

41362 said:


> I'm not saying that you are wrong, Faithful Wife- you could be 100% correct on this one. It really wouldn't surprise me. That said, a baby (and this is his first) really can upset the apple cart. He's down on the priority list (or he feels that way), he was told that it was "okay" to leave the master bedroom, the baby is in that bed... they haven't had a date in six months...I think he's harboring some resentment that he will not discuss, probably because he knows it's not 100% true.
> 
> We both agree that they have to communicate.
> 
> The work schedule isn't helping a bit.... though it is providing him with a hell of a good excuse to avoid discussion and sex


Wow. I must say after reading this reply, a lightbulb went off in my head. I think this is the problem. It made me remember something he said on our second or third date. He said (and he was 25 at the time) that he wasn't sure he would ever want any kids because he thinks he's the type of guy that would get jealous of the baby - not getting as much attention from his wife. I can't believe I forgot he said this.

And I see now that it was a big mistake for me to suggest he sleep in another room so his sleep wasn't disturbed. I thought I was being really nice, but now I see it sent the wrong message.

We did both agree to have a child and although my husband was nervous and a bit standoffish at first, as each day passes I can clearly tell he is getting really smitten with her (especially because she looks just like him and has some funny things she does - it makes him laugh). He's getting more involved by the day, which makes me happy.

After reading this yesterday afternoon, I decided to try once more and put the baby in her room last night for a while and we had some alone time. I initiated, and he was very accepting of the situation. It was good to be together. We have a bit more to go, but I think it was a good turning point. I do want to apologize to him for the mancave thing and bring that up and maybe ask if he resents me a little for that. Do you guys think that would be a wise decision? Or should I leave it alone?

Thank you so much again for all of your advice! I'm assuming from using context clues, that LD stands for Low (sex) Drive? That was very interesting information. I asked him about getting a physical again yesterday. He said it's on his to-do list, but there is no sense of urgency. 

Thank you!


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

HRB said:


> Wow. I must say after reading this reply, a lightbulb went off in my head. I think this is the problem. It made me remember something he said on our second or third date. He said (and he was 25 at the time) that he wasn't sure he would ever want any kids because he thinks he's the type of guy that would get jealous of the baby - not getting as much attention from his wife. I can't believe I forgot he said this.
> 
> And I see now that it was a big mistake for me to suggest he sleep in another room so his sleep wasn't disturbed. I thought I was being really nice, but now I see it sent the wrong message.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't have any kind of discussion about it. I think your best bet on that would be when you go to bed tonight snuggle up to him and say something like "It sucked sleeping apart, I missed you every night even though you were just in the next room. We're not doing that again." I guess what I'm getting at is don't approach it on an intellectual basis, approach it on an emotional basis.


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## HRB (Sep 10, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> I wouldn't have any kind of discussion about it. I think your best bet on that would be when you go to bed tonight snuggle up to him and say something like "It sucked sleeping apart, I missed you every night even though you were just in the next room. We're not doing that again." I guess what I'm getting at is don't approach it on an intellectual basis, approach it on an emotional basis.


Good point! I will do this. Thank you!


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## testr72 (Jan 15, 2013)

pink_lady said:


> If you read the thread the OP stated that she has NOT gained weight (or rather she has lost all the baby weight and is back to the size she was pre-pregnancy) but she has recently cut off a significant amount of her hair.
> 
> I can't imagine her H's sex drive dying completely over a haircut but of course only he can answer the question!
> 
> Is it possible his desire for her has waned because he now sees her as a mother and not a sexual woman? (Madonna/*****?)


thats what a lot of women do , they become mothers and forget about being a woman and a wife!
once they have kids, the husband gets neglected and they switch off their sexuality.
i just had sex only once in 2 years with my wife, mind you, she was pregnant and now our little boy is 1 year old. i talked to her recently expressing my feelings/desires and we were intimate a week ago.
it was definitely pity sex.

i will try scheduling dates to go out to rekindle the romance.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

testr72 said:


> thats what a lot of women do , they become mothers and forget about being a woman and a wife!
> once they have kids, the husband gets neglected and they switch off their sexuality.
> 
> i will try scheduling dates to go out to rekindle the romance.


^^^ I can relate to this post.

Then comes depression. A symptom of depression is sleeping a lot.

Waking @ 3.30am ?!? that sounds crazy.

Or that he is pissed off/resentful and is passively aggressively 'punishing' both of you. 

I did that too at one time. I was out the door at 5.30am before wife woke up although work started @ 8am.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

41362 said:


> This is it. You have to talk to each other.
> 
> I had some issues while my wife was pregnant with our first and after the birth. While I know better, I do, I had some internal fears that I was going to hurt her or the baby while she was preganant, and after... well, it just seemed like she'd been through so much... run over by a semi... losing sleep, and I didn't want to add to that discomfort. Two seperate but very similar issues which both resulted in me shutting down and pushing her away.
> 
> ...


This.is.AWESOME!!!!!!!!

I did that once with an old BF who was mad that I made him go home early from a party to um.... We still talk.. 8 years + later and he always brings it up how I "attacked him" lol

But he never said no otherwise 

So yeah.. you have to figure out what the deal is. Sorry this is happening  must be tough with a new baby and marriage.
But I'm sure you guys can work through this


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## HRB (Sep 10, 2013)

Jafhmes said:


> Do you still date each other?


Nope. The last time we went to dinner and a movie (our favorite thing to do) was in February before our baby was born a month later. I'm not kidding.

I said to him last night that we should put our heads together and think of a reliable person we can have start to come over and get our daughter used to seeing, so that we can go on a date soon. 

And guess what? Yesterday morning the baby was napping and we were watching some tv and HE asked ME if I wanted to have sex! That was really nice to finally hear!

I am so appreciative of all your advice on this board. It's by no means perfect, but it is already a lot more comfortable between us!


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

HRB said:


> Nope. The last time we went to dinner and a movie (our favorite thing to do) was in February before our baby was born a month later. I'm not kidding.
> 
> I said to him last night that we should put our heads together and think of a reliable person we can have start to come over and get our daughter used to seeing, so that we can go on a date soon.
> 
> ...


:yay:


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

HRB,
Excellent execution on this. 

One more observation about this. His needing more sleep than you is not something he 'likes', it is just how he 'is'. 

It is a 'weakness' in a sense. So in a way that weakness, collided with the reality of a new babies sleep schedule, which put a spotlight on his need for sleep. 

Kind of a 'replaced by the baby because I can't handle the same sleep schedule as my wife'. 

Your suggestion was kind, and practical and constructive. Unfortunately it fed into his insecurity. 




QUOTE=HRB;4405330]Nope. The last time we went to dinner and a movie (our favorite thing to do) was in February before our baby was born a month later. I'm not kidding.

I said to him last night that we should put our heads together and think of a reliable person we can have start to come over and get our daughter used to seeing, so that we can go on a date soon. 

And guess what? Yesterday morning the baby was napping and we were watching some tv and HE asked ME if I wanted to have sex! That was really nice to finally hear!

I am so appreciative of all your advice on this board. It's by no means perfect, but it is already a lot more comfortable between us![/QUOTE]


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