# Guilt about leaving kids



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I had to leave because h was literally driving me insane. I took my dd with me and she decided she didn't want to stay at my parents. 
H told our kids that he can't buy groceries because I didn't increase the amount coming out of our saving every month. This is a lie as he has credit cards and makes 4 k a month which he chooses to spend recklessly. 

I feel so, so guilty for leaving my kids, 14 and 21. But he put me in serious depression and I could not live with his abuse another second. So I left.

Son 21 hates me now saying I ran off and he'll never forgive me.

I asked dd to go out with me to dinner but h said he would have to supervise and I said no.

How can I cope with the guilt of leaving my home and kids?

I feel like a terrible mother. 

I should have kicked out the lying cheater after his affair was exposed 4 years ago, I had him out of the house but he cried his way back in literally within 6 weeks. 

Any tips on guilt? It's eating me up.

My dd texted that I am irresponsible and didn't consider her feelings when we left. 

The depression is crippling. H texts all the time about how I am hurting the kids and to come home. But in the same day he's poinsoning them against me saying they can't eat due to me.

I feel like crawling back but he would destroy me. He shames and blames me all the time and runs to our son when I disagree with him getting son furious with me, then he lets son scream at me and does nothing. It was a NUT house.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you seen a doctor about your depression? Get meds if you have not.

You could not deal with his abuse, but you left your children there to deal with it????

I'm not trying to put a guilt trip on you. I want to you see that you have the power and ability to go back and kick his behind out of the house. And you can do it for your children.

The 21 year old is old enough to live on his own. Why is he still at home? Does he have a job, is he in college? Does he contribute to the household financially and otherwise? I ask this because you need to reduce what you are dealing with. If he can get out on his own, that's one less person you need to deal with. Plus it's emotionally healthy for him to get out on his own.

I left my son's father once because of his abuse and cheating. I took our then 3 year old son with me. The judge ordered me to turn my son to the family home ... meaning to his abusive father. So I just moved back in with my husband. 

Once I was back in the home, I made it clear to my husband that I would not tolerate his abuse. That I would call the police if he got physical or threatening. That I would not listen to his putdowns, yelling, etc. He has a problem so he can deal with it.

You can do this. The reason you are so down trodden and depressed about this is because you absorb his abuse let him define you. 

If you need we can help you here on how to handle different situations. For example when he starts to put you down... tell him to stop and walk away. Tell him in advance that you will not tolerate that. That you will walk away, go to a quiet room by yourself, or for a walk, etc. And then he can calm himself down.

Move back in and drag your husband and your kids to counseling. There are terrible family dynamics.. like your husband running to your son and then them joining together to attack you.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Son will not live on his own, his gf lives there too. 
I think if I go back it will destroy me.
He tells the kids now that they don't have enough money for groceries due to me and other lies, going back into that poison can't be good for any of us.
My MD has told me not to return and I am on antidepressants. So has every therapist. 
Do you love your h? Or just live there for the kids? Are the kids doing ok? 
I cannot take h encouraging my 21 year old son to attack me and swear at me. A human has limits and that is intolerable. 
Honestly H will never leave the house, he has son and son's gf totally bought and sold, they despise me because I put the brakes on the constant spending on them. 
If there was any way I COULD kick his butt out I would, but there is NO way to do it. I tried this before and he told me he had a legal right to be there and was not going anywhere. 
He does not abuse the kids, he abuses me with control and manipulation, he tries to buy the kids affection.
Did you kick your cheating h out finally? How?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

indiecat said:


> Son will not live on his own, his gf lives there too.
> I think if I go back it will destroy me.
> He tells the kids now that they don't have enough money for groceries due to me and other lies, going back into that poison can't be good for any of us.
> My MD has told me not to return and I am on antidepressants. So has every therapist.
> ...



The way you get someone like that out of the house is to file for divorce and ask the court to separate you. 

Doesn't your daughter recognize that her father is abusive?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

indiecat said:


> I had to leave because h was literally driving me insane. I took my dd with me and she decided she didn't want to stay at my parents.
> H told our kids that he can't buy groceries because I didn't increase the amount coming out of our saving every month. This is a lie as he has credit cards and makes 4 k a month which he chooses to spend recklessly.
> 
> I feel so, so guilty for leaving my kids, 14 and 21. But he put me in serious depression and I could not live with his abuse another second. So I left.
> ...


You need to get back home to protect your children from his abuse.

Call a domestic violence hotline for advice. I get that you are fragile & depressed but your children may never forgive you for running away & leaving them with an abuser - even though they may not recognize him for what he really is now.

If he is physically abusive call the police. Most police will respond to simply the "threats" of physical violence and/if you are "fearful" of him even w/o him laying a finger on you.

Do not engage with your husband when he is abusive. Leave the room. When your son screams at you, again do not engage. Your son is mirroring his Father.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

My MD and therapist and abused women's counselor have said it's crazy to return to that poisonous enviroment. No one can take that kind of treatment. Son is almost 22 and a man. He can chose where to live. I have checked the laws and I cannot force h out. And to keep letting him bait me and let my son attack me is not healthy for anyone.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Not saying you should return to the house, but you do need to stay in therapy and find the strength to stand up to him. I bet he is a pathetic ***** of a husband who found ways to manipulate and control you for years and confused that with loyalty, devotion, love, etc. Because clearly those are the tools he is now using to try to pressure you into returning. As if you returning for those reasons would mean that you love him and can't bear to be away. It's demented. He needs a wake up call to realize that it won't work anymore, and it will cost him his marriage. If he's ok with that, then nothing will happen and you need to pursue a legal separation or divorce. (Separation only if you want to give him time to realize he's a fool and change his mind)

The problem I see here is that by leaving you are helping him make a case for a better custody and financial arrangement, as he can paint you as an abandoning spouse and parent. From what you've described however, I get the impression that you aren't strong/confident enough to withstand his control/manipulation, would cave in to him again and let things get worse. Certainly not strong enough to give him the wake-up call he needs by yourself. So my suggestion would be to find a lawyer and file for divorce or legal separation, claim emotional/mental abuse (or worse, if there is justification for it) to get him out of the house via a court order and temporary custody for you of the kids along with temporary child support. That would serve as a wake-up call for him that his methods have failed, that he really is on the verge of losing his family, that he can't keep his kids under a veil of lies forever, and will force him to make a decision to change his ways or walk away. Then get your kids into therapy if you can, talking to a counselor who is aware of the situation and can help them separate reality from Dad's version of reality.

But yes, if you file for divorce/legal separation and claim abuse, you absolutely can force your husband out of the house and even get a protection order.


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