# Estranged Step-daughter



## BellaB

Sadly, my husband and I have been estranged from his daughter for about 8 months. It was probably a long time coming, but is sad nonetheless. 

To backtrack, I have been with my husband for almost 10 years. We have been married for a year and a half. It's important to note, that I wasn't in favor of us getting married at that time (and probably to this day wouldn't have married-due to my own bad divorce), but due to job losses on both our parts in the last few years the ability to obtain affordable health insurance for my husband was linked with us getting married (per my new employer).

Unfortunately, during that same period of time my husband was still in the middle of a lengthy child support battle with his ex wife. There are 4 kids and the battle waged on for over 3 1/2 years about whether his support should be lowered due to the emancipation of the two older children. We made the decision not to tell the kids we got married because we believed (correctly) that the ex would attempt to use my income in what she believed her child support payments should be.

On a positive note, that argument was dismissed, and after a long and lengthy battle, my husband was successful in having the support reduced for the remaining 2 minor children and was awarded overage monies for the 3 1/2 years he'd been overpaying. 

Shortly after we got married, my mother in law inadvertently sent an email to my husband and his siblings with my "new" name. Due to the tight relationship my husband's sister has with the ex (and no relationship with my husband) it didn't take long to figure out that his sister would "share" the news with the ex (and the kids). However, a year went by before it came out in court (during the support hearing) that we were in fact married.

Naturally, the ex blasted my husband as did two of the kids (SD) being one of them (other 2 don't care), claiming that they had known the entire year and what a jerk (nicer term than she used) he was-keeping in mind we made the decision b/c of her nonsense. Additionally, I think it's fair to say that my relationship with all the kids has always been fine. To my knowledge (at least openly) they don't have a problem with me. I would bet that I've been the target of a lot through the years, but, none of them ever openly displayed it in my presence. SD did get much more difficult in her teen years (especially with the ex's influence, but still I never believed any of them actually hate me).

Also, it is worth mentioning that when we had gotten engaged and invited the older 2 to come to dinner with us to tell them all at the same time (about 3 years prior), neither could be bothered to do so AND the ex was posting all over FB that same night about how pathetic we were etc.etc.

In hindsight, I think we both realize we should've told them in spite of the games the ex played...however, ultimately, I don't think it would've changed very much about the situation in the end. The ex's alienation tactics have been in full force for the 10 years we've been together. In many ways I think it was just the "straw that broke the camel's back". 

My husband did have an affair while they were married (not with me) and they did reconcile and have the youngest child. Shortly thereafter, my husband lost his job and miraculously she "couldn't forgive him anymore" and filed for divorce. I met him when they were separated. I believe she thought she was going to have her own affair (with an ex boyfriend) and then once that happened they would be "even" and get back together. Naturally, when he didn't go running back and we stayed together it has been nothing but alienation from then on...

The ex loves to compare my husband with her own bio father (who likely had an affair and remarried as well). I believe she had years of her own mother's negativity ingrained in her that all she has done with the kids is repeat the cycle.

My husband wrote SD a letter in Sept. trying to reach out to at least try to talk with her in person. What he got back was a pretty vile letter about how she hates him and never wants him in her life again (ironically there was no mention of him not telling her about our marriage it was more a diatribe about how awful he is and has been to her MOTHER and how much she can't wait to see youngest child hate him as much as she does), to which the ex wrote another letter about a week later which was almost word for word what SD had written, but chastising my husband for not reaching out to HER to help solve the issues and that of course he had created the "drama"...well, needless to say the thought of reaching out to the person who has had quite a hand in creating the situation didn't appeal to him and so now here we stand 8 months later with no contact. I will definitely put it out there my husband isn't blameless in this situation, nor has he been over the years, mistakes have been made there is no doubt about that. 

We've also heard that SD has changed her phone number-so in the beginning when my husband was very consistently reaching out to her via phone/text at least she probably was getting them whether she liked it or not, now obviously not at all...

SD is 18 and will be graduating HS in June. It will be a difficult day b/c I will go to support husband, but the thought is definitely not appealing at all...

Everyone has told me that time is the only thing that can help the situation and I do know that, but am I missing anything? Should husband be doing something more?


----------



## EnigmaGirl

I have nothing but absolute disdain for people who involve their children in divorce issues.

Affairs, divorce finances, etc...none of that should EVER be discussed with the children of the marriage. It has nothing to do with them, they didn't create the situation and it skews the relationship they have with the other parent with issues that have zero to do with the actual parent/child relationship.

Its seriously pathetic when people engage in this behavior. And they do it for one reason only. Because they care more about themselves and how they feel than they care about their own children. *Its completely selfish*. They use the children as weapons against the other parent and think they "won" something. In reality, all they're doing is tearing their own child apart.

Children identify with BOTH parents...particularly biological parents. They embody half of both...so if you bash the parent, you bash the kid.

So conclusion, you have two choices here. 1. To engage at her level...which will result in even more trauma and won't help the situation or 2. You send a message to the daughter letting her know that her father is always available whenever she needs him or wants to see him. And that he loves her...always has and always will and that he's sorry that she got pulled into the relationship nonsense between her parents who couldn't find a way to be healthily married. Then wait.

The good news for you guys is that there is always backlash against the alienating parent. They THINK they win...and they do temporarily but karma will eventually take over. Eventually the kid realizes that they got manipulated by a selfish, piece of crap parent and reaches out. Because he's married to you and there's a sense of territorial behavior, this may take some time and that's unfortunate but hang in there.

I feel for you and your new husband...its truly sickening to have to deal with an ex-spouse like this. However, you should know that there's nothing that you did or could have done to prevent it. She's a terrible, hateful hag of a parent and you can't fix stupid.

Sorry for the situation and good luck!


----------

