# Any wives of husbands who work offshore or are gone a lot?



## missymrs80

My husband is an oil tanker captain and works a month at sea and is home for a month. We don't have kids and all of my friends have moved bc of their jobs or husbands jobs. My parents and younger brother live nearby but I really don't want to cling to them and be with them often. I get so lonely and often times realize at the end of the day that I haven't spoken a word bc there was no one to speak to. I have a million and one hobbies and things I can do....but there always seems to be this deep sadness or depressed feeling on the weekends ( I do work during the week). Any other wives out there with similar situations? What's it like for u? If you have kids, was it different before kids? Does the loneliness subside when kids come into the picture? Thanks!


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## lovingsummer

My husband also works away from home. He works any where from 2-5 weeks then home for 1 week. We do have 3 kids and I also take care of my 90 year old Grandma 4-6 hours a day. (I don't work... at least not for money)  Having said all this, the hardest part for me is the night when all is quiet and done for the day. Having kids always make you busier though and give you more to do and someone to take to as well... I also have dogs that keep me company and someone to talk to. Hell, somedays I don't want to talk anymore... :rofl: But they aren't the same as my husband, I get lonely for my H. The talking, kisses good night, cuddling and "partnership". I have recently found this forum and it's helped to give me some things to talk about and have some "adult" conversation. It is very hard though because my longing is for my H and no matter how hard I try to stay busy... it's always there nagging at me.


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## missymrs80

Ya I think it's a loneliness for my husband only...very hard. Anything that seems to help in particular when you are really missing him? I cant call my husband whenever I want unfortunately.


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## lovingsummer

I can't talk to my husband either, maybe once the whole time he's gone. I can email him, so I do that a lot and he can only email me once a day. Writing relaxs me so I used to write him every night but now he can't get mail either.  So I've resorted to a journal of sorts and I just write about him, memories of us, our family, how I feel about him and how much I miss him. I figure if nothing else, he'll have it if anything ever happens to me and he's free to thumb through it whenever he wants. It seems simple but when I'm laying in bed and only have the dog to "cuddle" with it relaxes my mind into better thoughts.


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## LovesHerMan

My husband is gone for 7-10 days, then home for a week. I get lonely too, and I try my best to do things that I like that he does not enjoy when he is gone. I watch chick flicks and artsy movies, cook seafood, read novels, type away on TAM, and hike and bike with friends. 

Have you tried meetup.com to make new friends in your area? Are their other shipmate's wives that you could share activities with?

Having children made things better and worse at the same time. You are busier than a squirrel in September, but you also feel like a single mother with no one to help with chores, discipline, and giving you a break to go shopping by yourself without little ones whining about what they want, and how they are ready to go back home.

The one good thing about this schedule is that we sure are glad to see each other when he comes home :smthumbup:


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## lovingsummer

lovesherman said:


> Having children made things better and worse at the same time. You are busier than a squirrel in September, but you also feel like a single mother with no one to help with chores, discipline, and giving you a break to go shopping by yourself without little ones whining about what they want, and how they are ready to go back home.
> 
> 
> This is so true... It is a lot like being a single mom and it's hard not to feel resentful that I have to the only one to do these things... all the time...
> 
> The one good thing about this schedule is that we sure are glad to see each other when he comes home :smthumbup:


:iagree:


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## Mavash.

lovesherman said:


> Having children made things better and worse at the same time. You are busier than a squirrel in September, but you also feel like a single mother with no one to help with chores, discipline, and giving you a break to go shopping by yourself without little ones whining about what they want, and how they are ready to go back home.


:iagree:


My husband works a lot and travels more than I wish he did. He just left for a week and I'm already wondering how in the heck I'm going to do the beginning of school BY MYSELF. LOL

For me kids make me so busy that I don't have time to be lonely. However it took TWO kids to do this to me. One wasn't enough. And that third one made me certifiably crazy. Most days I'm a single mom and that isn't always fun.


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## missymrs80

The single mom thing worries me. My husband and I both grew up in families with dysfunctional roles in place and we want to always be mindful that we are husband and wife our marriage goes before the kids. We want to be on the same page about all parental decisions made....or at least make our kids think we are lol. But I know that will be hard. I don't want to be mean mommy and then dad comes home and the kids see him as their rescue from mean mommy lol.


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## missymrs80

lovesherman said:


> My husband is gone for 7-10 days, then home for a week. I get lonely too, and I try my best to do things that I like that he does not enjoy when he is gone. I watch chick flicks and artsy movies, cook seafood, read novels, type away on TAM, and hike and bike with friends.
> 
> Have you tried meetup.com to make new friends in your area? Are their other shipmate's wives that you could share activities with?
> 
> Having children made things better and worse at the same time. You are busier than a squirrel in September, but you also feel like a single mother with no one to help with chores, discipline, and giving you a break to go shopping by yourself without little ones whining about what they want, and how they are ready to go back home.
> 
> The one good thing about this schedule is that we sure are glad to see each other when he comes home :smthumbup:


I haven't tried meetup.....i worry that weird people are on there. I never thought about trying to find other women in my position though. Maybe I will. Thanks!


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## Inside_Looking_Out

My husband is an offshore oil rig worker. He has had schedules ranging from 7on/7off, 14/14 and 28/28. He has been doing it for 17 out of the 18 years we have been together. 

At first, it was really really hard. The depression of 'waiting for your life to start when he gets home', can wear at you. There is such a huge disconnect, half of your lives are hidden from one another. He has no idea of what your life is like while he is gone, and you have even less idea of what his life is like.

Some of the things that I have done to cope are:

1. Keep a journal. We had notebooks we would trade off with one another. We would try to write a little bit in it each day. His would be more like every three days or so. Sometimes little love messages, sometimes just notes about our day. When he got home, we would exchange the notebooks, but not look in them until it was time for him to leave again. We could read each other's messages while away from one another. We didn't keep up with this well, because my husband does not like to write. But it did help for a while. Of course this was before email (and email on the rigs!). But, there is something comforting about a hand written note.

2. Have him take photos (if possible, some boats and rigs won't allow this), of his sleeping area, galley, tv room, office and anywhere he spends a lot of time. Photos of the people he works with are a big plus too. A large part of the loneliness can come from knowing so little about his life out there. It's so much easier to picture his day when he talks about it if you can visualize parts of his stories, faces to names, etc.

3. Try to go to any of his training classes and such. When they put them up in hotels for training, they usually don't mind the wife going along. Once the school is out for the day, maybe the two of you can meet up with his co-workers and go out. Learning about them, and letting them see you can help you feel like you are more a part of his life.

4. Here was the hardest one for me...you have hobbies, but try to have hobbies that can be set aside when he is home. Things that don't have a lot of meetings and appointments that you have to be at. I resented that he wanted this...that my life had to stop when he was home, and then resume when he left. But, I took away a large part of our time to bond and connect and made other interests and people more important than my own husband. It was easy to do, and there is more to that story than just that. But, it's an easy thing to start doing.

5. A Jar of Desires. Goofy? Yes. Fun? Yes. My husband and I each have our own jar. Each person puts slips of paper in the other's jar. Things they want to experience (day trips, picnics, play-offs on the WII, cooking a new recipe together), or things they want to feel (kiss me deeply for 30 seconds, let's go parking, sex in the kitchen, etc). My husband and I pull a couple out a month. It's fun to do this right before he leaves, because then you each have a month to plan it out. Something fun for him to anticipate when he gets home, and something fun for you to work on while he is gone. 

So, those are a few. I hope they help. I know it's hard...but I have to admit, over the years, I have come to appreciate that we get time to miss one another, time to 'honeymoon' each time he comes home, time to take extended vacations, etc. There are lots of good points of that kind of schedule as well


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## missymrs80

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> My husband is an offshore oil rig worker. He has had schedules ranging from 7on/7off, 14/14 and 28/28. He has been doing it for 17 out of the 18 years we have been together.
> 
> At first, it was really really hard. The depression of 'waiting for your life to start when he gets home', can wear at you. There is such a huge disconnect, half of your lives are hidden from one another. He has no idea of what your life is like while he is gone, and you have even less idea of what his life is like.
> 
> Some of the things that I have done to cope are:
> 
> 1. Keep a journal. We had notebooks we would trade off with one another. We would try to write a little bit in it each day. His would be more like every three days or so. Sometimes little love messages, sometimes just notes about our day. When he got home, we would exchange the notebooks, but not look in them until it was time for him to leave again. We could read each other's messages while away from one another. We didn't keep up with this well, because my husband does not like to write. But it did help for a while. Of course this was before email (and email on the rigs!). But, there is something comforting about a hand written note.
> 
> 2. Have him take photos (if possible, some boats and rigs won't allow this), of his sleeping area, galley, tv room, office and anywhere he spends a lot of time. Photos of the people he works with are a big plus too. A large part of the loneliness can come from knowing so little about his life out there. It's so much easier to picture his day when he talks about it if you can visualize parts of his stories, faces to names, etc.
> 
> 3. Try to go to any of his training classes and such. When they put them up in hotels for training, they usually don't mind the wife going along. Once the school is out for the day, maybe the two of you can meet up with his co-workers and go out. Learning about them, and letting them see you can help you feel like you are more a part of his life.
> 
> 4. Here was the hardest one for me...you have hobbies, but try to have hobbies that can be set aside when he is home. Things that don't have a lot of meetings and appointments that you have to be at. I resented that he wanted this...that my life had to stop when he was home, and then resume when he left. But, I took away a large part of our time to bond and connect and made other interests and people more important than my own husband. It was easy to do, and there is more to that story than just that. But, it's an easy thing to start doing.
> 
> 5. A Jar of Desires. Goofy? Yes. Fun? Yes. My husband and I each have our own jar. Each person puts slips of paper in the other's jar. Things they want to experience (day trips, picnics, play-offs on the WII, cooking a new recipe together), or things they want to feel (kiss me deeply for 30 seconds, let's go parking, sex in the kitchen, etc). My husband and I pull a couple out a month. It's fun to do this right before he leaves, because then you each have a month to plan it out. Something fun for him to anticipate when he gets home, and something fun for you to work on while he is gone.
> 
> So, those are a few. I hope they help. I know it's hard...but I have to admit, over the years, I have come to appreciate that we get time to miss one another, time to 'honeymoon' each time he comes home, time to take extended vacations, etc. There are lots of good points of that kind of schedule as well


Wow Everything you wrote really lifted me up! I love your ideas and putting things on hold when he comes home are has been a source of conflict in our relationship many a times....it's hard to start up a project and then ditch it when he comes home. We have recently realized this is something we need to work on. I have been able to go to a few classes with him but often I can't bc of work...he goes to a class almost every other time he comes home so I'm near the point of wanting to quit my job so I can go with him! But it's not so easy to throw away a masters degree and a 200k education!!! I think there are some interesting similarities in offshore families and wives. He sends me pictures of his room the ship his bathroom and so on. Lol....I love it! So funny to think other rugged tough offshore guys are doing the same for their wives (although my husband is not so rough and rugged lol). Maybe we can continue talking if you are open. We have been at this for 6 years now.


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## Mavash.

CFran said:


> I don't want to be mean mommy and then dad comes home and the kids see him as their rescue from mean mommy lol.


I'm the mean (but fair) mommy but my husband doesn't rescue them. He backs me up.

Being a single parent is hard....really hard. I'm serious when I say I'm DREADING this week. It's the first week of school and I've got kids in THREE schools. I have NO idea how I'm going to pull this off and keep my sanity. LOL


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## Inside_Looking_Out

CFran said:


> Wow Everything you wrote really lifted me up! I love your ideas and putting things on hold when he comes home are has been a source of conflict in our relationship many a times....it's hard to start up a project and then ditch it when he comes home. We have recently realized this is something we need to work on. I have been able to go to a few classes with him but often I can't bc of work...he goes to a class almost every other time he comes home so I'm near the point of wanting to quit my job so I can go with him! But it's not so easy to throw away a masters degree and a 200k education!!! I think there are some interesting similarities in offshore families and wives. He sends me pictures of his room the ship his bathroom and so on. Lol....I love it! So funny to think other rugged tough offshore guys are doing the same for their wives (although my husband is not so rough and rugged lol). Maybe we can continue talking if you are open. We have been at this for 6 years now.



lol You are not a newbie at this then! 6 years! I think you and your husband are smart to get on the same page about kids first. My son was only a few months old when my husband started offshore. It was the loneliest I have ever been, even though I had a baby to keep track of. Being a not single-single parent is rough. At that time, we had one vehicle, that went with him when he left. It was 7/7 then, but 7 days at home, with no way to leave, before home computers were the norm...those were some pretty lonely times!

You are very correct, no matter the dynamic of the couple, it seems like the same issues come to turn when your spouse works in such a non-conformed manner.

The biggest issues I see happen (and have had happen):

1. Money
That's a huge one with many offshore couples. The paycheck rolls in while they are gone. The wife spends the money out on bills, household items, unplanned expenses, car repairs, and probably some frivolous expenditures as well. By the time the spouse comes home, there is not a lot left. Even if the money goes exactly where the couple has agreed upon, the husbands don't get to see it get spent. It can cause a lot of resentment. 

My husband confessed to me that the thing the men out there complain about the very very most when they are comparing their wives, is money. Usually about them spending too much of it. It is a source of deep resentment, it makes them feel unappreciated, used and belittled. I was one of those wives for a long time. 

Nowadays, I am much better about making sure my husband is as much a part of the money spending as the money making. If possible, I hold off on the 'fun purchases' until he gets home (new furniture, grill, appliances, etc). I created a spreadsheet for bills so he can see when they are due, when they get paid and how much they are. I do the same with our household expenses. If he complains that the bath towels are getting threadbare...I buy them, but I also log in how much the cost. It makes it more real for them. 

For some reason, while they are out there on the ocean, they can start to forget that the real world still exists. Power still gets used, food still gets eaten, gasoline is still needed. Seeing these expenses helps them to put a face to it, the same way as seeing photos of their living quarters puts a face to their stories.

2. Communication
Again, they forget that the real world still continues on while they are away. Another large source of contention are the phone calls. You can't call them when you need to, but they can call you when they have a few moments of time. 

On your end, you might be in the middle of something, not able to devote your full attention, or worse yet...not even be able to answer! Some offshore husbands can not comprehend why you are not available at that very moment. They are not often ever at the other end of the situation. They can't receive calls while working, so they are not accustomed to getting interrupted by their spouse in the middle of trying to keep a line of thought, or having their hands full. When they are home, their time is their time...so it's still not the same feeling of importance. It can be exasperating. 

However, on the flip side of it. It is hard for the wife to really comprehend how hard it can be to even get to call home. There are oftentimes 15-20 guys all waiting to use the phone once they get off their shift. They have to time it just right so that they don't have to wait to get their food, then wait to use the shower, then wait to use the computer or phone, and so on. Of course, communication can be spotty, so just about the time you get the phone, the communications go down. It can be quite a battle. You have had a hard day, you finally get to use the phone, you call your spouse, only to be greeted by a disgruntled wife saying, "Honey, I can't talk right now", or venting about their bad day, or...even worse, a voice mail greeting.

3. His life/Her life
Things become even more compounded when both spouses work, or the wife is heavily involved in PTA, volunteer work, clubs, etc. 

As the one always at home, you need a life! You need something to fill the time of them being gone. Probably something involving other people, so that you are not quite as lonely or isolated. But balancing is so very hard. You want the feeling of personal achievement, you make obligations to others, but then they start getting in the way of plans when your spouse is home. He starts to resent that you are away while he is home. 

Likewise, it's easy for us to resent that he has a problem with that. You think, "Well, I spend an entire month alone without you, and you can't handle a couple of days of me not being home?!" It's okay to have interests and outside friends...but it is just so very important to balance them and try to understand one another's point of view. 

Offshore husbands spend so much of their time away, it's only natural that they feel greedy for your time when they are home. As long as they know that their feelings and spending time with them are a top priority, they will understand that you need your time as well, even if they are home. 



There are quite a few other common issues, I might take the time to put them to paper later. I am pretty wordy, so I hate to look like a windbag and take up this whole thread! 

Of those, I think the money one is still the most surprising one to me. In talking with my husband, I always thought that lack of sex or their wives getting overweight would be the top complaints, but my husband said it is the most common thing they talk about when they are talking about relationships.


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## MWD

I work in the oilfield on the other end, as a husband. I am sitting here at an airport, about to fly home after being gone for almost 50 days. I have had 14 days off in the last 4 months. I have 3 stepchildren at home and my only biological child, a year and half old daughter. 

With that said, as bad as it may be for the wife at home, I can't imagine that it is as bad as being out here working. She often tells me that she misses me more. I get insulted by that. How can she miss me more? She has her family there, our family, and my family there. She has friends she can just wake up in the morning and go see. I am at a rig where I work 12 hrs a day when I am lucky, but realistically I am working 16 hours a day when it is all averaged out. That is 7 days a week, for a month to a month and half at a time. I am almost always working with new people. People I have to learn to get along with. Some of them and I become friends, but we live too far away from to spend time with when I get home. Not to mention, there are things at home that need tended to. Last time I was home, I was home for 11 days after being gone for 35, time before that, I was home for 1 day after being gone for 20 days. Not a lot of social time available when I am home, so when I am told that she misses me more, It is frustrating. 

On a positive note, I love being married to my wife. We use Skype and FaceTime to keep in touch. I am able to talk to her every day. When we are home, we set aside time that is our 'date nights' and time just for us. We are able to afford for her to stay at home with our children and be a full time mother. We are able to afford a future for their education and for our retirement. 

I think it is awesome that one of the posters encouraged the wife to go along to training. My wife does that and is so supportive of my work that it makes the difference between me doing it and not doing it. I often bring my projects home with me and she helps out any way she can. She files my time sheets and handles my expenses. We have a very transparent relationship. 

The goal is to retire in 10 years. My daughter will be 12 by then. Finances should be in order. And at the rate things are going, our relationship should be tight as well. 

-MWD


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## Inside_Looking_Out

MWD said:


> I work in the oilfield on the other end, as a husband. I am sitting here at an airport, about to fly home after being gone for almost 50 days. I have had 14 days off in the last 4 months. I have 3 stepchildren at home and my only biological child, a year and half old daughter.
> 
> With that said, as bad as it may be for the wife at home, I can't imagine that it is as bad as being out here working. She often tells me that she misses me more.  I get insulted by that. How can she miss me more? She has her family there, our family, and my family there. She has friends she can just wake up in the morning and go see. I am at a rig where I work 12 hrs a day when I am lucky, but realistically I am working 16 hours a day when it is all averaged out. That is 7 days a week, for a month to a month and half at a time. I am almost always working with new people. People I have to learn to get along with. Some of them and I become friends, but we live too far away from to spend time with when I get home. Not to mention, there are things at home that need tended to. Last time I was home, I was home for 11 days after being gone for 35, time before that, I was home for 1 day after being gone for 20 days. Not a lot of social time available when I am home, so when I am told that she misses me more, It is frustrating.
> 
> On a positive note, I love being married to my wife. We use Skype and FaceTime to keep in touch. I am able to talk to her every day. When we are home, we set aside time that is our 'date nights' and time just for us. We are able to afford for her to stay at home with our children and be a full time mother. We are able to afford a future for their education and for our retirement.
> 
> I think it is awesome that one of the posters encouraged the wife to go along to training. My wife does that and is so supportive of my work that it makes the difference between me doing it and not doing it. I often bring my projects home with me and she helps out any way she can. She files my time sheets and handles my expenses. We have a very transparent relationship.
> 
> The goal is to retire in 10 years. My daughter will be 12 by then. Finances should be in order. And at the rate things are going, our relationship should be tight as well.
> 
> -MWD


I was hoping some of the husbands would respond as well! I knew that there were at least a couple on here that worked offshore. You must work internationally. My husband was working in Mexico, and was ending up with a schedule like yours because of having a hard time finding relief positions. I hope your schedule evens out soon, I know how hard that is on you, and your family.

I appreciate you commenting about what it's like to be out there! I have had to drag it out of my husband over time, he is pretty stoic about it all. And sometimes I wonder if he doesn't gloss over things because he thinks he might hurt my feelings.

I hope the other offshore husbands will comment also!


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## missymrs80

Wordy is good! I am emailing all of this to my husband! I have heard about the money thing. My husband and I decided before we got married that he would handle all the money and bills since he already was.....and I just pretty much moved into it. I am 6 years younger than him and right out of college when we got married. We share all accounts and I have access to our accounts of course. He pays all the bills and keeps track of all the expenses and if something needs to be fixed or w/e he does that......ok so I think I'm realizing how freaking lucky I am. He told me that he feels more masculine or whatever by being in charge of that lol. I get it though. Im pretty frugal so my husband gets excited when I buy new clothes and what not bc he gets to enjoy seeing me in them when he comes home. Ok wow yet again, freaking lucky! I am more of a homebody and he likes to go out and do things so our situation is the flip of what you described but still a problem nonetheless. My husband has worked in different environments (different shps/ hitches) and what he has now is really nice phone/communication wise. I remember when he was a third mate when we first met and doing hitches in Japan Guam etc and he would have to stand outside in he freezing cold wind and all to talk to me bc of the awful reception. Oh ya and when he calls I am always frantically running around the house to find the cordless bc I know that's much one shot! I am not a newbie but it's starting to sink in that this is our life and I'm realizing many of my struggles in life stem from this way of life. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster all the time! When he leaves I sob uncontrollably still to this day...agh! But we have this thing we do where when I start to cry my husband pulls out a calendar and goes over all the things I have coming up with friends or showers or parties or things with family...haha. It's really sweet and it's something he started when we were dating but it has now become a tradition.


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## MWD

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> I was hoping some of this husbands would respond as well! I knew that there were at least a couple on here that worked offshore.
> 
> I appreciate you commenting about what it's like to be out there! I have had to drag it out of my husband over time, he is pretty stoic about it all. And sometimes I wonder if he doesn't gloss over things because he thinks he might hurt my feelings.
> 
> I hope the other offshore husbands will comment also!


I don't work offshore, but I am gone on oil rigs for a considerable amount of time. Normally they do not keep people offshore for more than 28 days at a time or they have to give them extra pay for the time worked(at least that is how it was when I worked off shore). I now work on rigs in the Lower 48 and we have no schedule. In my line of work, I have to show up when the job starts, go home when it is done. I see our rig crews come on for 7 days, home for 7, and back and forth a couple times. It is quite frustrating. 

I love that someone started this thread. I am looking to participate more. 

-MWD


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## missymrs80

MWD said:


> I work in the oilfield on the other end, as a husband. I am sitting here at an airport, about to fly home after being gone for almost 50 days. I have had 14 days off in the last 4 months. I have 3 stepchildren at home and my only biological child, a year and half old daughter.
> 
> With that said, as bad as it may be for the wife at home, I can't imagine that it is as bad as being out here working. She often tells me that she misses me more. I get insulted by that. How can she miss me more? She has her family there, our family, and my family there. She has friends she can just wake up in the morning and go see. I am at a rig where I work 12 hrs a day when I am lucky, but realistically I am working 16 hours a day when it is all averaged out. That is 7 days a week, for a month to a month and half at a time. I am almost always working with new people. People I have to learn to get along with. Some of them and I become friends, but we live too far away from to spend time with when I get home. Not to mention, there are things at home that need tended to. Last time I was home, I was home for 11 days after being gone for 35, time before that, I was home for 1 day after being gone for 20 days. Not a lot of social time available when I am home, so when I am told that she misses me more, It is frustrating.
> 
> On a positive note, I love being married to my wife. We use Skype and FaceTime to keep in touch. I am able to talk to her every day. When we are home, we set aside time that is our 'date nights' and time just for us. We are able to afford for her to stay at home with our children and be a full time mother. We are able to afford a future for their education and for our retirement.
> 
> I think it is awesome that one of the posters encouraged the wife to go along to training. My wife does that and is so supportive of my work that it makes the difference between me doing it and not doing it. I often bring my projects home with me and she helps out any way she can. She files my time sheets and handles my expenses. We have a very transparent relationship.
> 
> The goal is to retire in 10 years. My daughter will be 12 by then. Finances should be in order. And at the rate things are going, our relationship should be tight as well.
> 
> -MWD


Hmmm well I think I miss my husband more too so I won't tell him that ever again! But....I know it is "$hit conditions" as my husband says. Everytime we talk at the end of our convo I tell him thank you for working so hard for us, and I love you. He loves that and I think he feels even more like the protector provider etc when I say that....rather than the guy who sends home the paycheck. It's hard for both but you do it together....I know getting into figuring out who is worse off is not helpful. My husband has had some really awful hitches at sea but now he is in the gulf and has a 2 hour drive home. His schedule is the same....no having to go back early or stay on longer....and he really likes all the guys he works with. So he has it good now. I feel for you though...I remember how hard that kind of set up was for my husband.


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## MWD

CFran said:


> Hmmm well I think I miss my husband more too so I won't tell him that ever again! But....I know it is "$hit conditions" as my husband says. Everytime we talk at the end of our convo I tell him thank you for working so hard for us, and I love you. He loves that and I think he feels even more like the protector provider etc when I say that....rather than the guy who sends home the paycheck. It's hard for both but you do it together....I know getting into figuring out who is worse off is not helpful. My husband has had some really awful hitches at sea but now he is in the gulf and has a 2 hour drive home. His schedule is the same....no having to go back early or stay on longer....and he really likes all the guys he works with. So he has it good now. I feel for you though...I remember how hard that kind of set up was for my husband.


My wife recently has started thanking me for my work and being gone. She is so incredibly supportive and it means so much for me. Especially since having our daughter. Send him lots of pictures and videos. Care packages if he can get them(you can find creative ways to get him care packages even while offshore). 

It sounds like you have an awesome husband who cares for his family. It is great to hear about it. 

-MWD


----------



## missymrs80

MWD said:


> My wife recently has started thanking me for my work and being gone. She is so incredibly supportive and it means so much for me. Especially since having our daughter. Send him lots of pictures and videos. Care packages if he can get them(you can find creative ways to get him care packages even while offshore).
> 
> It sounds like you have an awesome husband who cares for his family. It is great to hear about it.
> 
> -MWD


He is great! Thanks  I think I have traumatized him with care packages. One year for valentines day I sent him a package with cookies in this pink heart container and a gift wrapped with pink and red wrapping paper with hearts all over it....and several other pink/heart/girly looking (but v-day themed nonetheless!) and I wrote I love you a million times on all the packaging. Well, my DH said the chief mate walked up to him with his arms overflowing with all of the contents of my package...and he simply said 'I think this is for you." apparently the port did a random search on my package and destroyed the box I had shipped it in! Poor guy. Haha


----------



## MWD

CFran said:


> He is great! Thanks  I think I have traumatized him with care packages. One year for valentines day I sent him a package with cookies in this pink heart container and a gift wrapped with pink and red wrapping paper with hearts all over it....and several other pink/heart/girly looking (but v-day themed nonetheless!) and I wrote I love you a million times on all the packaging. Well, my DH said the chief mate walked up to him with his arms overflowing with all of the contents of my package...and he simply said 'I think this is for you." apparently the port did a random search on my package and destroyed the box I had shipped it in! Poor guy. Haha


Now that is a pleasant surprise that I would love to have! 

-MWD


----------



## lovingsummer

My H can't get care packages where he is now  but I loved sending them to him and putting them together. Goodies, pictures, scratch lottery tickets (he loves those) letters, etc. I used to put all the I LOVE YOU'S, THANKS FOR WORKING SO HARD FOR US, HEARTS, etc. I always teased him that I was going to get him in a fight beause someone's going to give him sh!t about it and it'll be on. He said "No, I'm usually the envy when I get those"...


----------



## missymrs80

MWD said:


> Now that is a pleasant surprise that I would love to have!
> 
> -MWD


Hmm what kinds of things would want your wife to send you. I need some ideas  I have gotten in the habit of packing him some things to take with him to make it less rough on the ship, but I would like to start sending him things again.


----------



## MWD

CFran said:


> Hmm what kinds of things would want your wife to send you. I need some ideas  I have gotten in the habit of packing him some things to take with him to make it less rough on the ship, but I would like to start sending him things again.


Pictures/videos of the kids. Pictures/videos of us. Accompanied by a nice note telling me how much she misses me. The best is when they are buried in our luggage and we find them when we get to work. 

On the racy side, a pair of panties, or a shirt with your smell on it. Flash drive with some racy pictures on it. 

A nice letter talking about how we met, or plans for when I am home, or even just some thoughts she is having. 

I think it boils down to that connection to home and to your spouse. 

One of the things that I love is a pillow she made for me. It is with me every night, and on every job. It is not too big to pack, but not too small that it would become unuseful. 

-MWD


----------



## missymrs80

Great ideas, thanks


----------



## missymrs80

Any comments on your favorite parts of this lifestyle? My DH was in Japan when the earthquake happened and when he got home I told him never to leave me again and he took a job onshore in the maritime industry. He was never home and the money was a lot less of course and we both just couldn't picture our lives going on like that..full days of work, exhaustion, working on the weekends....365 a year. So he got his job in the gulf (things really seemed to magically line up for us at the right time thank god) and we felt good knowing we tried the onshore reg job lifestyle and it wasn't for us. I love that When he is home we can go to lunch and run errands together...things other couples don't get to do bc of work schedules. I hate to leave for work when he's home though. I work part time though so it works.


----------



## MWD

As you mentioned, being at home full time when at home is a big plus. I can take care of the kids, run errands, or simply spend the day running errands with her. 

This month, I flew her and the kids out to a town near where I was working. The kids have never been on a plane, muchless out of the state. We made it educational, and fun. Not to mention I got to spend time with my wife and year and half old daughter. 

I get to send them gifts from far away places. Get some time to build up the tension you get when you miss someone, and release when you get to see them again. 

-MWD


----------



## lovingsummer

I sent my H some panties and almost got him fired because they thought he was sleeping with the maids (he works at a camp and messing around with the maids wss a firing offense)... yikes... the only thing that saved him was the note I wrote to go along with it... now he's a place where the men are seperate and housekeeping are male as well... How embarassing!!!!


----------



## missymrs80

Can't believe I forgot that....the sex. And it's like first date feelings all over right before he comes home...I always get butterflies right before I see him. Ya but the homecoming sex is the best. We stay in the bedroom all day and night when he first comes home...I always make sure I don't work the first two days he's home. I don't think we would get that gift if he was onshore. I have a hard time being intimate before he leaves...its hard to give myself to him knowing he is about to leave.


----------



## Inside_Looking_Out

See, now I am learning too! I have never tried to send a care package to him on the rig! I am not sure how to even. I will have to look into that.

For the longest time, working in Mexico, that was never a possibility. No flash drives, no cells, even getting an Ipod shuffle out there was a hassle. Any reading material or photos that were even slightly racy were taken (not even Maxim mags). 

He is in the Gulf now, so maybe I can work on that  Sounds like it could be fun!


----------



## missymrs80

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> See, now I am learning too! I have never tried to send a care package to him on the rig! I am not sure how to even. I will have to look into that.
> 
> For the longest time, working in Mexico, that was never a possibility. No flash drives, no cells, even getting an Ipod shuffle out there was a hassle. Any reading material or photos that were even slightly racy were taken (not even Maxim mags).
> 
> He is in the Gulf now, so maybe I can work on that  Sounds like it could be fun!


I sent my husband your posts, he really enjoyed reading them


----------



## Inside_Looking_Out

CFran said:


> Can't believe I forgot that....the sex. And it's like first date feelings all over right before he comes home...I always get butterflies right before I see him. Ya but the homecoming sex is the best. We stay in the bedroom all day and night when he first comes home...I always make sure I don't work the first two days he's home. I don't think we would get that gift if he was onshore. I have a hard time being intimate before he leaves...its hard to give myself to him knowing he is about to leave.



lol That is certainly one of the best things about this kind of job! Now that he is 14/14, I made a promise to myself last time he was home, that I would make sure we had sex at least once a day. We are frequent anyway...but he wasn't quite sure what hit him by day 6 lol I think I came close to breaking him! 

We spend a lot of time now sending each other racy emails and chatting online. When he was international, he couldn't do that. Now that he is in the Gulf, he can take his laptop along. So that's a new-found novelty to us. I get so excited about our 'chat dates' I feel like a giddy teenager! 

I getting to connect with other folks in your same situation is helping to quiet some of the blue thoughts that you have been having. I don't often get to talk to others in the same situation either. We live pretty far away from the 'oil states'...so none of my local friends understand. I get to talk with other offshore wives from time to time when we go to the schools and such, but that's about it.


----------



## missymrs80

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> lol That is certainly one of the best things about this kind of job! Now that he is 14/14, I made a promise to myself last time he was home, that I would make sure we had sex at least once a day. We are frequent anyway...but he wasn't quite sure what hit him by day 6 lol I think I came close to breaking him!
> 
> We spend a lot of time now sending each other racy emails and chatting online. When he was international, he couldn't do that. Now that he is in the Gulf, he can take his laptop along. So that's a new-found novelty to us. I get so excited about our 'chat dates' I feel like a giddy teenager!
> 
> I getting to connect with other folks in your same situation is helping to quiet some of the blue thoughts that you have been having. I don't often get to talk to others in the same situation either. We live pretty far away from the 'oil states'...so none of my local friends understand. I get to talk with other offshore wives from time to time when we go to the schools and such, but that's about it.


I'm in an oil state but I know no one who is in my situation. Weird. I always have people say "I don't know how you do it?!" blah, that gets old. Grrr or my father in law says " I'm sure you're ready to get rid of him" when people joke about that we always say....NO.


----------



## Inside_Looking_Out

missymrs80 said:


> I'm in an oil state but I know no one who is in my situation. Weird. I always have people say "I don't know how you do it?!" blah, that gets old. Grrr or my father in law says " I'm sure you're ready to get rid of him" when people joke about that we always say....NO.



I understand that one as well. 

Once, my husband had been gone for four weeks, and found out that they were extending his time gone for another three weeks before he could come home. He had a 2 day period where he was going to get to come to land, and then have to go back out. It wasn't enough time to drive all the way home, so I hopped in the car and started driving to meet him halfway so we could at least see each other for that night. It was a four hour drive for each of us, and so spur of the moment, I was calling for available hotels while driving there.

My father laughed and was a bit astounded. He told me that it was not often that two people, married for 14 yrs at that time, would go through so much trouble just to see each other for less than 24 hours. I still think of that as an incredible compliment. And yes, it was completely worth it!


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## missymrs80

That's a wonderful story.


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## DawnD

Hmm. Well my H is military, so about every other year/18 months he is off for a year tour. I think the next one is only 9 months, so woo hoo to that. 

I don't stand still. I am in class, I take the kids and run out to see the local area. We have been all over Texas, and now I know all the places to take my H to. Every good restaurant, all the nice tourist places to go, etc, etc. The kids love it, and they only really got down about him being gone this last deployment twice, and it was right after his R&R. His was late, so he had been gone 10 months, came back for his two week R&R and went back for 6 more weeks. That was the worst time. Just that small taste of having him home.

Go out and see the area. Find the cool stuff. 

I would always get post cards from all these little towns and send them to him telling him what i found out there with my travel partner. ( I always had one of my girlfriends tag along with me and the boys)

Started hitting the gym regularly and made it part of the kids days as well. 

Took SOOO MANY PICTURES but he loves them. He got to see all the stuff we found, and always got to see some up to date pics of us.


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## lillou423

Hi

I am new to the forum AND being the other half of an offshore man...My OH works 2 weeks on 2 weeks off - we have been together about 6 months and have become very serious (we are looking to buying a house) but this offshore thing is KILLING me...

I googled it - to try my best to put in place ways to feel okay - and found this site...

I am a teacher and currently off for 6 weeks (so the fact he's away DRAGS more now than when I am at work) we just got back from Cyprus (Monday) and he had to go away (Wednesday)...this time it's hurting more than usual - probably as the holiday was so good - as we don't live together the 24/7 stuff was bliss, we talked loads and made huge future plans - we have both been though a LOT and we KNOW this rel is the one (so no worries there) 
I cry when he leaves (and feel pathetic) I have loads of friends and have been single for 3 years (prior to this rel) so know how to cope alone and I am VERY independent (so this 'neediness' makes me feel uneasy - and yet I still feel this way)
We email everyday - we have whatsapp so we can message intermittantly (no moblie phone signal on the ship) and he can call maybe a couple of times a week...
he does one week nights and one days - so this week (nights) it's harder to communicate - he is asleep when I am up and vice versa.
I find myself staying up to the early hours hoping he'll get a break and whatsapp me - but this makes me exhausted and cranky the next day - he also gets mad that I am staying up and shattering myself...

I sleep in his t shirts, I read all the notes I have from him (and past emails)...I plan things to do when he is home...I see friends and family...

BUT deep down I just feel incomplete when he isn't here - is this normal or am I pathetic and co-dependent (un-healthy?)

I also spend a lot of time worrying about the future - we both want kids and I worry so much about coping alone (it does feel like being singe 2 weeks of the month - half of the year) and of course the effect on them when Daddy leaves...

Any advice or boosts would be sooo appreciated right now...

Thanks in advance...hugs

Lou xxx


----------



## Caribbean Man

My brother in law [Wife's younger brother ] works offshore on an oil rig in our country.
Its a very dangerous job.
He got married four years ago ,and was divorced last year because of his wife's infidelity.

He works 2 weks on and 2 weeks off.
They are both in their 20's and he made lots of money.

Our country main export is oil,and infidelity amongst these 
" oilmen wives " ranks highest...
In fact,
It's scandalous.
They is a saying among men.
When you work offshore,
Don't get married.
But that's just in our country.......


----------



## missymrs80

Lillou, you are describing my life lol!


----------



## Inside_Looking_Out

lillou423 said:


> Hi
> 
> I am new to the forum AND being the other half of an offshore man...My OH works 2 weeks on 2 weeks off - we have been together about 6 months and have become very serious (we are looking to buying a house) but this offshore thing is KILLING me...
> 
> I googled it - to try my best to put in place ways to feel okay - and found this site...
> 
> I am a teacher and currently off for 6 weeks (so the fact he's away DRAGS more now than when I am at work) we just got back from Cyprus (Monday) and he had to go away (Wednesday)...this time it's hurting more than usual - probably as the holiday was so good - as we don't live together the 24/7 stuff was bliss, we talked loads and made huge future plans - we have both been though a LOT and we KNOW this rel is the one (so no worries there)
> I cry when he leaves (and feel pathetic) I have loads of friends and have been single for 3 years (prior to this rel) so know how to cope alone and I am VERY independent (so this 'neediness' makes me feel uneasy - and yet I still feel this way)
> We email everyday - we have whatsapp so we can message intermittantly (no moblie phone signal on the ship) and he can call maybe a couple of times a week...
> he does one week nights and one days - so this week (nights) it's harder to communicate - he is asleep when I am up and vice versa.
> I find myself staying up to the early hours hoping he'll get a break and whatsapp me - but this makes me exhausted and cranky the next day - he also gets mad that I am staying up and shattering myself...
> 
> I sleep in his t shirts, I read all the notes I have from him (and past emails)...I plan things to do when he is home...I see friends and family...
> 
> BUT deep down I just feel incomplete when he isn't here - is this normal or am I pathetic and co-dependent (un-healthy?)
> 
> I also spend a lot of time worrying about the future - we both want kids and I worry so much about coping alone (it does feel like being singe 2 weeks of the month - half of the year) and of course the effect on them when Daddy leaves...
> 
> Any advice or boosts would be sooo appreciated right now...
> 
> Thanks in advance...hugs
> 
> Lou xxx



You are not pathetic, or abnormal in missing your boyfriend. My husband has been working offshore for 16 years! I still cry when he leaves. I still have a hard time falling to sleep at night for the first several days. However, all that normalizes out after three or four days. 

My husband also works split shifts (nights the first week, days the second week). He gets to call me for just a few minutes during a break while he is on night shift...usually around 9pm, but it's never for very long. When he works days, we get to spend a good amount of time in the evenings chatting online before he goes to bed. 

I have written a good deal about some of the trials and tribulations of this kind of lifestyle, but I guess not a whole lot about what can be so great about it! My husband had a 9 month stint of unemployment a few years back, and it about drove us insane...we were not used to spending that much extended time with one another, plus the stress of no income.

Time:
You would think that working this way would make you miss out on a lot...but you actually get to spend more time with your spouse than if he had a regular day to day job. 

The year that my husband worked a regular job, the first year we were together, was awful. We live 45 minutes from town...1.5 hr per day driving. Woke up at 5am, left at 6am. It was often 6:30-7:00pm before he got home. That left us three hours a day to actually see each other. Now, pack dinner, relaxing, bonding with our son, and quality time for us, all in that three hours. He often had to work on Saturdays also. So, three hours a night and 48 hours on the weekend, if he was lucky. Compare that to 2 straight weeks of being able to do whatever you like with your days! 

Kids:
If my husband had a regular job, there is no way he could have been as involved in my son's school life. He could never attend school orientations, parent/teacher meetings, be available to pick him up for an emergency, or attend field trips. All those things happen during regular business hours. 

However, when they are home for two straight weeks, all of those things are a possibility. Sure, there are two weeks when there is no way...but I promise you, he has attended far more than he would have been able to.

My husband's job also afforded us the ability for me to be a stay at home mom. I involved myself in activities, like volunteering at a local non-profit. My son grew up in that setting, and now as a 17 yr old, has served countless volunteer hours and gotten the chance to be an artist's apprentice. And when the teenage years hit, and it looked like he was hanging around with a bad crowd at school and was becoming someone/thing we didn't raise...I was able to take him out of school and start home schooling him. He now gets A's, where we were happy if he had C's and D's before. 

Our own relationship:
We have the best of both worlds. For two weeks, we pine for one another. We miss each other. We actually have to think about what we want to talk about. It forces us to communicate in a way that we would not if we were face to face all the time. The time away from one another offers time to be in our own thoughts. 

And then for two weeks, even though we are nearing two decades together...we go at it like teenagers! Honeymoon mode, full tilt! We can take long trips whenever we like, instead of waiting for a two week period once a year. (I can't fathom having to wait a whole year to be able to go on a long trip!) Long, lazy days in bed. Large home and garden projects. Spur of the moment day's drive trips. All of those things are possible on a regular basis because of his schedule.


Sure, there are drawbacks, the lonely nights, the missed holidays, the worries during storm season... but, you have to figure out how to take the good with the bad. I made up my mind a while back that I was going to embrace our lifestyle with optimism and happiness. Somedays, if I am blue and pitying my own self...I remind myself how lucky I am because I do get to spend so much quality time with my husband. 

On a bit of a different note...I would recommend trying to hide a bit of your sorrow over his absence. It's okay to tell him you miss him and that you are waiting on pins and needles for him. But if you let that become a guilt trip, he may start to pull away, just to protect himself. It is hard on them to be out there. If they have to worry that you are so lonely you might do something rash, it makes it even that much harder. Their minds need to be on staying safe. The best way to do that is to reassure them, be responsible in taking care of your own self, and keep them from having to worry about you while they are away. A feeling that the home-front is safe and secure while they are gone will let them focus on their job.

I am not sure if any of that helps. I hope I don't sound too preachy! I do understand how hard it can be.


----------



## lovingsummer

That was very nicely put Inside looking out  You are exactly right, thank you for posting that. It will give me somthing to read during my pity party, I hate this sh!t days...


----------



## lillou423

Thanks so much to Inside Looking Out for a really insightful look into the long term life I am set to have...

Some of the points you made - coming from a 'person who has been there' point of view, really help. 

my OH has said those things to me (about when we have children how much of a pro-active dad he can be and how in actuality he will see more of me and kids etc) but it almost felt as if he was saying these things as a comforter - so to hear that it IS that way is nice

However, i work full time and it's demanding so maybe i won't be as lucky as you are with how much time you get to share!!!

Feel brighter today - so again - thank you...

Encouragement, support and the thought that I am not alone in this really helps xxx


----------



## missymrs80

Yes...I know my husband will be able to go on field trips and attend class parties etc. Not many kids get that. 

When my husband is home we do everything together...it's really fun. And when's he's home, the job is done! No answering calls or having to go into to the office to take care of something.


----------



## MWD

Caribbean Man said:


> My brother in law [Wife's younger brother ] works offshore on an oil rig in our country.
> Its a very dangerous job.
> He got married four years ago ,and was divorced last year because of his wife's infidelity.
> 
> He works 2 weks on and 2 weeks off.
> They are both in their 20's and he made lots of money.
> 
> Our country main export is oil,and infidelity amongst these
> " oilmen wives " ranks highest...
> In fact,
> It's scandalous.
> They is a saying among men.
> When you work offshore,
> Don't get married.
> But that's just in our country.......


I have been in the oilfield for 10 years, and have been a part of it all of my life. Infidelity amongst oilfield wifes is hardly as high as most people think. Professional athletes, movie stars, Real Estate Agents, all have much higher rates of infidelity than Oilfield wifes. 

Granted it does happen, and it sucks when guys bring up Jody being home taking care of the wife, but those in a strong marriage don't have to worry about that. 

When I got married, my wife and I agreed I would get out of the oilfield. Not too much later, I was offered a job I couldn't refuse. We agreed that if it didn't work out for our relationship that I would walk away and return to the 'normal' world. We are going into our third year of me being back in the oilfield, and it has worked out great for us. Despite me being gone for often over a month at a time, we ensure we have quality time when I am home. That means at least a couple nights with no kids/family/friends. Right now I am gone for over a month and a half, and only having 10-14 days off between(when I am lucky to get that much). It isn't easy at times, but the plusses far outweigh the minuses. Our future is pretty well layed out, she is able to work at home with the kids, probably start home schooling soon. As pointed out by another poster, my time home is 100% home, and when all is said and done, I spend more time at home with my family during waking hours than most people do with a 9-5. 

@missymrs80, I am still working on keeping the office back in the field. In my off time, I like to design tools for work(it is actually for profit and potential company I am building to get me out of the oilfield at some point), and I take calls(often in the middle of the night) from people I train. For the insane amount of money they throw at me, we think it is worth it. There are days/weekends though, that I just turn everything off. Heck, I have been home since Sunday, and haven't turned the TV on in the bedroom once. 

-MWD


----------



## MWD

Caribbean Man said:


> My brother in law [Wife's younger brother ] works offshore on an oil rig in our country.
> Its a very dangerous job.
> He got married four years ago ,and was divorced last year because of his wife's infidelity.
> 
> He works 2 weks on and 2 weeks off.
> They are both in their 20's and he made lots of money.
> 
> Our country main export is oil,and infidelity amongst these
> " oilmen wives " ranks highest...
> In fact,
> It's scandalous.
> They is a saying among men.
> When you work offshore,
> Don't get married.
> But that's just in our country.......


And as for those most infidels

The 8 Jobs Most Conducive to Infidelity - Asylum.com

-MWD


----------



## missymrs80

Ya bc I totally feel like going to my local bar to find a half drunk man to get it on with after I come home from a long day of work, feed my cats, water my garden, make dinner...oh and write that thank you note to my husbands grandmother that I forgot to write yesterday and do a load of laundry. Totally. Bloop! (as nene leakes would say).


----------



## lillou423

Had a particularly rubbish day today - and we are only onto day 5 of a 14 day trip - I have been really tearful and felt pathetically sorry for myself - which only gets me more moody as I want to shake myself and shout 'get a grip' - i know i am lucky. I am loved by a wonderful man, who does all he can to provide for us, to show me what I mean and who doesn't find this lifestyle a picnic himself...and yet when I get like this I just sob!
Anyone else get this way...?

Any coping strategies...? I speak to my friends and family and though they are supportive they will never really understand as it's not a way of life they know about - I dont think you know about it til you've lived it...

<big sigh> 11 more sleeps 

Lou


----------



## missymrs80

Lou...

I think eventually you learn that feeling sad is normal and it's ok and that you don't need to "fix" it. Allow yourself to acknowledge it...don't try to push the sadness away...just ends up magnifying it even more. Today I had a full on melt down and cried my eyes out....it's ok  

I am suddenly reminded of one of the four noble truths...The origin of suffering is attachment.

This might not seem like the most helpful words, lol, but finding peace with this lifestyle has helped tremendously. Having peace with it is of course an ongoing process.


----------



## Caribbean Man

missymrs80 said:


> Lou...
> 
> I think eventually you learn that feeling sad is normal and it's ok and that you don't need to "fix" it. Allow yourself to acknowledge it...don't try to push the sadness away...just ends up magnifying it even more. Today I had a full on melt down and cried my eyes out....it's ok
> 
> I am suddenly reminded of one of the four noble truths...*"......The origin of suffering is attachment.......*


:iagree:
................... *to transient things and the ignorance thereof."*
The second Noble Truth.
Zen Bhuddism


----------



## missymrs80

Lou.....I think u said u aren't married. If and when you guys do get married, my biggest piece of advice would be this...

When my H is gone I had a tendency to reach out to my parents to get my emotional needs met (ugh!). 99% of the time these are the very needs they weren't able to meet for me in the first place. Frustration hurt and disappointment would always be the result. It was a subtle thing...very subtle.....but it drove me and my H apart bc I didn't have both feet in my "new family" (which is me and him).

The transition from your family of origin to your new family is something everyone is faced with. Many never make it to the point where they have both feet in the new family. Anyway...this lifestyle presents an easy opportunity to get stuck in a pattern of going back to your family of origin thus creating a disconnect bw husband and wife. 

Hopefully this makes sense! Very early in the morning...


----------



## lovelygirl

MWD said:


> *She often tells me that she misses me more. I get insulted by that*. How can she miss me more? She has her family there, our family, and my family there.


I have never heard a husband say this about his wife who misses him.
TBH, if I were your wife I would be insulted by this comment, would run away from you and would stop missing you.
It shows you don't appreciate the fact that she misses you, because maybe you don't miss her all that much?

Having friends and family around is one thing and NOT having the husband around is another.
If it was enough for her to have family around she wouldn't marry you in the first place and she would be okay with having a long distance relationship with you, for the rest of her life. 

I don't get it when you say you love her, yet you don't understand why she misses you more. 

Personally, I don't know if I'd be able to marry a man who is gone every other month.


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## missymrs80

Lovely girl, 

I'm guessing you don't have a husband who works away. I get what MWD is saying. As a wife of a H who works away, it's easy to forget we aren't the only one in the relationship missing SOMETHING. The pain hits you so hard it's sometimes hard to have empathy. 

I don't think any of us grew up wanting to marry a man who is gone for work. You meet, fall in love and face the situation. I have never ONCE thought I shouldn't be with my H bc of his job. He was once willing to give up that life (several times actually) bc he feared that I had those thoughts. I never did. Ever.


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## Caribbean Man

When we were just married,I had the opportunity to work in an oil refinery in Saudi Arabia .

I decided against it, because although I could stay away for almost a year once I was occupied, [ The contract stipulated that workers could not mix in with the civilians. ] I didn't think I should put her through that.
and to make matters worse,back in those days didn't have Skype .

Seventeen years later,we own a business and are still married.
Being married in that type of situation is stressful. 

Some people could take it ,some people break.
It depends on the type of personal support systems around them.

Just goes to show that given the choice between love and logic ,
Love triumphs everytime.
But it is indeed a hard life,especially for the wives.
They need lots of special support and understanding from friends and family.


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## lillou423

Sorry I have not been on here for a few days...
I have been so busy - which has been good as busy = not feeling so bloody sory for myself!
Lots of advice and opinions while I have been gone - so 'thank you' - a lot (xxxx)

I have hit that mid point - actually I have passed it, I think the beginning is always the hardest for me - especially this trip as we came back from a perfect, romantic holiday where we had each other 24/7 and within 24 hours of being home - he was gone...

He talks about the transition he makes between night and dy shift when he is away...and how it takes a few days - well I think I have that transition between - life when he is home and life when he is not...I am now finding myself in my own little routines and the days are ticking over nicely (I miss him - of course I do, more so at night, hence me being up after midnight on my laptop after trying to get to sleep)...I know I will have that transition again on his return...little things like when I want to go to the gym for a few hours and I get the look ' do you hae to go - i want to be with you' ...I have found that in these moments, for me, saying 'yes, I have to go as that is what I do on a Monday' etc is important...the same with friends - they have started to only arrange things with me when he is away - I have had to say - 'I can go out when he is home you know...we aren't tied at the hip'
I have found this helps (slightly) as going from 24/7 to zero is a killer...
As for the message from missymrs80 - I can see a lot of valid point in that.
Lately we have been talking a lot about moving and he is VERY keen that I move closer to my parents (I have a good and close relationship with them) because they can support me when he is gone, and more so when we have children...
I am not so sure this is the way - I could not put my finger on why - but I think what you said made a lot of sense...maybe it's that pull / push of being part of two 'families'...
I know he has only the very best intentions for me - he wants to be sure that when I have my 'wobbles' (as he's named them) I have somewhere to turn...
Your points have certainly given something to ponder...

L x


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## missymrs80

Lou, the first week I feel like i am going to die! I have the same transition period.


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## lillou423

He's home tomorrow - how amazing is the excitement feeling ... feels like Christmas xx


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## blueskies30

My husband is working away from home too. This is not the first time, but it is the hardest time for me. My husband working 800 miles away with no coming home in sight. He works 800 miles away because there is no work in our state in his union for him. We lost our house after he was laid off in our state. We had tax money at the time, but we could not move to the state he is working in because of our credit. Now I am living with his parents with my 3 children who all have soem form of Autism. It keeps me busy having the kids, but I'm not in my own home, so I'm homesick as well as mising my husband. He won't be home for a visit until Thanksgiving and he has not seen the kids since he left in middle of May


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## blueskies30

On top of it all I am going throguh some medical stuff now that started when we lost our house. I go to the dr in about a week and hope I can find out what is going on with me. My hair is falling out at a very fast rate in rat nest balls. My hormones are defiantly off. So this has lead to a self asteem problem for me while hes gone too


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## missymrs80

Blueskies, your in my thoughts and prayers!


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## missymrs80

lillou423 said:


> He's home tomorrow - how amazing is the excitement feeling ... feels like Christmas xx


Totally feels like xmas! I LOVE the day he comes home.


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## NaturallyMe

Hello Ladies, I came across this site/forum looking up information on oil rig jobs/employment. If any of you ladies know of any links / sources / helpful tips to getting employment in this industry and don't mind sharing could you inbox / email me. I appreciate any and all tips/advice/contact info or links to sources that can help in trying to get into this industry.

I've also been reading the tips and things you ladies are saying just to get a better understanding of what it would be like if he did get into that industry. He is a very hard worker, great provider and with knowing the contract of his current employer wont be renew by the contractor he is seeking out other things early and this is one thing that he has wanted to do and is trying to find a way in. Works in Chemical Management currently.

So I thank anyone in advance that can offer any direction. And I will be sure to check out some more of your posts on how it is from a wifes view of being in this industry. We relocated to Georgia, have no family here, 3 kids and have been together 14 years. Being apart is something we are not use to, but a sacrafice we are willing to make to get where we want to be.


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## juststarting<3

So I am 20 years old. I am not married but I have been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for two years. We hit a rough patch and split for several months but we got back together and things have been going well since. He recently decided to quite school and start working on the river. His job will have him away for at least two weeks and home for a week. At first I said thats fine we will make things work no matter what and I still feel that way. But I am in college and will be going to school in another State. Working through the those two weeks by myself was enough of a challenge but lately he and I have been talking about the future and it made me stop and think about when we have kids and what that would mean. He will be missing out on weeks worth of memories. He is going to miss so much and I will be the only one there most of the time and that idea scares me. If there are any mothers/wives out there who have advice I would greatly appreciate it. :scratchhead:


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## A Bit Much

juststarting<3 said:


> So I am 20 years old. I am not married but I have been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for two years. We hit a rough patch and split for several months but we got back together and things have been going well since. He recently decided to quite school and start working on the river. His job will have him away for at least two weeks and home for a week. At first I said thats fine we will make things work no matter what and I still feel that way. But I am in college and will be going to school in another State. Working through the those two weeks by myself was enough of a challenge but lately he and I have been talking about the future and it made me stop and think about when we have kids and what that would mean. He will be missing out on weeks worth of memories. He is going to miss so much and I will be the only one there most of the time and that idea scares me. If there are any mothers/wives out there who have advice I would greatly appreciate it. :scratchhead:


I think you should start your own thread. You'll get a lot more feedback if you do.


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## MissNikki

missymrs80 said:


> My husband is an oil tanker captain and works a month at sea and is home for a month. We don't have kids and all of my friends have moved bc of their jobs or husbands jobs. My parents and younger brother live nearby but I really don't want to cling to them and be with them often. I get so lonely and often times realize at the end of the day that I haven't spoken a word bc there was no one to speak to. I have a million and one hobbies and things I can do....but there always seems to be this deep sadness or depressed feeling on the weekends ( I do work during the week). Any other wives out there with similar situations? What's it like for u? If you have kids, was it different before kids? Does the loneliness subside when kids come into the picture? Thanks!


Hi there missymrs80! Nice to meet you. My name is Nikki and I am in a similar situation to yours. My partner just started working far away from home and he will be gone for weeks at a time. We don't have kids either, but one of the reasons he is going away to work is so we can make good money and start our family. Feel free to msg me anytime. :smthumbup:


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## MissNikki

lovesherman said:


> My husband is gone for 7-10 days, then home for a week. I get lonely too, and I try my best to do things that I like that he does not enjoy when he is gone. I watch chick flicks and artsy movies, cook seafood, read novels, type away on TAM, and hike and bike with friends.
> 
> Have you tried meetup.com to make new friends in your area? Are their other shipmate's wives that you could share activities with?
> 
> Having children made things better and worse at the same time. You are busier than a squirrel in September, but you also feel like a single mother with no one to help with chores, discipline, and giving you a break to go shopping by yourself without little ones whining about what they want, and how they are ready to go back home.
> 
> The one good thing about this schedule is that we sure are glad to see each other when he comes home :smthumbup:


Lovesherman, what is TAM? :scratchhead:


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## missymrs80

Feeling lonely so I am going to "bump" this thread


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## Caribbean Man

missymrs80 said:


> Feeling lonely so I am going to "bump" this thread


Welcome back!

Check your inbox.


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## LovesHerMan

Hi, Missy, my hubs is gone tonight, too. What are you doing to keep yourself busy? I am nattering away on TAM, and tonight I watched a really bizarre movie, The Master. Hubs would hate it, so this was a good night watch it alone.


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## MissNikki

Mine is probably leaving again soon ...


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## LovesHerMan

MissNikki said:


> Mine is probably leaving again soon ...


What does yours do, Nikki, and how to you cope with his absence?


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## MissNikki

Well, he was previously working on an oil rig. (not drilling but working with welders and pipefitters to create the rig structures, I guess.)

Now he may be leaving again for a new job building a hydroelectric dam not as far away but for longer periods than his previous job. He used to work away for 14 days and then come home for 7 days. With this new job he may be gone for 3 weeks and then only back for 2 or 3 days at a time. 

To cope, we had Skype dates every night/day for even just 5 or 10 minutes if that is all we could get. Would text quite often as well and send cell phone pics to say hello throughout the day/night depending on his schedule. 

Hope this new job has free wifi like the last one.


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## HGCYS

Fiancé is on his second night of a 21 day stint - he only gets 7 days home as he is just starting out in the oil industry. We have been together for 7 years and he only started working away 4 months ago and since then he has only been back about 5 weeks out of the 4 months. It is complete hell. I am so desperately lonely, but don't want to lay on the sob story to him as he is doing this for our future family (no kids yet). I work full time and study as well so when he is home I feel like I should be dropping everything, but I can't and I know he resents me for this.

I completely underestimated how tough this lifestyle would be. I was blinded by the potential earnings, but now I would rather live in a cardboard box so long as I had him here every night.


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## Shaggy

@hgcys

You need to talk to your husband about him switching jobs, because long term this time apart is going to hurt your relationship. It's paying good money, because its taking a huge part of his life away from him,and you.

What's the point of making big bucks if you have no life to spending it in?


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## Brainboredmom

My husband works offshore. He is gone about 40%-50% of the year. I got tired of being bored (intellectually bored, not kid stuff and housework bored) in a city I have no family and started a meet up group. It is fairly new but I have run other successful meet ups in other places. If any of you happen to be located anywhere from central Houston to Galveston, Tx. Look us up. search "Families of Traveling Spouses" or "Offshore MOMs and DADs". Dads are welcome too. I will be scheduling putting they can tolerate too. 

You can join even if you are not in the area. I am sure you are your spouse will be traveling through here if they work offshore. 

Have a wonderful night.


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## Bandit_boo

hi all. My husband has just started a new job where he is away sun-thurs every week. When he is home he has to do uni work. He has never worked away before since we have been together and i am finding it really hard. I have had severe anxiety and some depression and am wondering how i will ever get used to this. I feel stupid as i know there are people who are away for weeks at a time and mine is only days at a time but i find it soo hard to be on my own. Am i mad? Will these feelings subside?


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## Bandit_boo

hi all. My husband has just started a new job where he is away sun-thurs every week. When he is home he has to do uni work. He has never worked away before since we have been together and i am finding it really hard. I have had severe anxiety and some depression and am wondering how i will ever get used to this. I feel stupid as i know there are people who are away for weeks at a time and mine is only days at a time but i find it soo hard to be on my own. Am i mad? Will these feelings subside?


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## SerenityNow7

*Communication with Offshore Partners?*

Hi...not sure if anyone is still active in this forum but here goes 

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now and he works for an oil services company, so he goes offshore whenever the client needs. So there's no roster, no planning, very spontaneous. When he is home he doesn't have time off and has to work in the office.

When we first started dating there was not much work on so I got used to him being around. This year however is busy, and I've been informed he might be away for the next 2 months with only a few days here and there at home.

We've had a couple of hiccups in our relationship, one happened 2 days before his current stint and I really want to talk about it and my feelings with him. I stupidly brought it up on a whatsapp message, his reply being "now what, I am working my butt off here, I can't handle anymore stress".

Just wanted to know how everyone else deals with communicating with an offshore partner. Men aren't the best communicators at the best of times, and methods of offshore communication are limited. I just feel if I bottle all my feelings up and wait till he is back I am going to go nuts! Just feel like we are growing apart while he is away and haven't had time to mend the last hiccup.

Sorry for the rant.....just really want to talk to someone in the same boat


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## Amplexor

*Re: Communication with Offshore Partners?*



SerenityNow7 said:


> Hi...not sure if anyone is still active in this forum but here goes
> 
> I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now and he works for an oil services company, so he goes offshore whenever the client needs. So there's no roster, no planning, very spontaneous. When he is home he doesn't have time off and has to work in the office.
> 
> When we first started dating there was not much work on so I got used to him being around. This year however is busy, and I've been informed he might be away for the next 2 months with only a few days here and there at home.
> 
> We've had a couple of hiccups in our relationship, one happened 2 days before his current stint and I really want to talk about it and my feelings with him. I stupidly brought it up on a whatsapp message, his reply being "now what, I am working my butt off here, I can't handle anymore stress".
> 
> Just wanted to know how everyone else deals with communicating with an offshore partner. Men aren't the best communicators at the best of times, and methods of offshore communication are limited. I just feel if I bottle all my feelings up and wait till he is back I am going to go nuts! Just feel like we are growing apart while he is away and haven't had time to mend the last hiccup.
> 
> Sorry for the rant.....just really want to talk to someone in the same boat


Thank you for joining Talk About Marriage. This is an old thread and you will likely not receive much advice as posters will respond to the OP who is long gone. Please open a new thread in an appropriate forum to discuss your questions/issues. 

Thread locked.


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