# Need advice on what to do to save my marriage



## Tyler12 (Nov 21, 2015)

A few weeks ago my wife came to me and told me that she is leaving me. We have been together just over 5 years and married for 1 1/2. we have 2 amazing children together and i have 2 from a previous marriage. The older 2 adore her and she loves them like her own as well. But her reasoning is that she isnt and hasnt been happy for a long time. she says the last 3 years have been very hard and she has had enough.. Its time to find her happiness and for each of us to become an I before we can ever be a we again. There are a miriad of things i did wrong. namely relying on her completly to do everything for me while i wasted my life away at the computer or on my phone. I know what i have done wrong and unfortunately it has cost her happiness and trust in me. I am trying to change and making good progress i think. i started by reading men are from mars, i have started seeing a therapist to help me and make me more aware of what i can do. But she has apparently moved on and doesnt want to talk about anything and she just gets mad when i try to talk to her or tell her i love her. To top it all off i found out she is emotianally involed with an old friend. who makes her happy and eveything i didnt. I dont know what to do! i want to save our marriage for our family and show her i can be the man she wants me to be. But she just wants me to let her go and focus on myself and for her to do the same.. This is hard however because she and i still are living together because she cant afford to get her own place and the job market is very slim right now. seeing her everyday and not being able to touch her or sleep in the same room or talk about this at all makes it hard and i am starting to resent her, i dont want to. i want to save us, but she has given no indication she wants to.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do your two older children live with you 100%? If she's done, she's done. She may start to feel differently if she sees you making progress in therapy. It sounds like she was dealing with 5 kids instead of 4. That will definitely sour a woman on a man.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are three books that I think would help you. Read them in the order I'm listing them. They are all written by Dr. Harley.

"Surviving An Affair"

"Love Busters"

"His Needs, Her Needs"


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tyler12,

I deleted your other thread. Posting multiple threads on the same topic is against forum rules. You will also get better and more responses if to you to one thread.


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## Tyler12 (Nov 21, 2015)

The older 2 do not live with us. And yes it had been like she was raising 5 I regret so much because I love her with all of me and I am trying to better myself. It's hard because if I try to talk about it she gets angry that I haven't been listening to her requests. And that I'm pushing her to reconcile. Thank you for the book recommendations. I will get ahold of them asap


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## Tyler12 (Nov 21, 2015)

She has said that there is chance of reconciliation but we need to start over someday. That we need to become happy alone and then maybe start again. She has also said that I am on the right path to bettering myself but I need forget her and focus on me. I just want to try the we while I am working on myself.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Tyler12 said:


> The older 2 do not live with us. And yes it had been like she was raising 5 I regret so much because I love her with all of me and I am trying to better myself. It's hard because if I try to talk about it she gets angry that I haven't been listening to her requests. And that I'm pushing her to reconcile. Thank you for the book recommendations. I will get ahold of them asap


Sorry, you are going through this, I think she should give you another chance, mainly so your children with her don't go through what your first children went through some people are selfish and that's why the divorce rate is so high.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm not sure that accusing her of being selfish helps one bit.

The OP admits that he has serious fault here. He has only really paid attention to her concerns now that she has said that she wants a divorce. The problem is that people usually do not say that until they are done. It can be turned around but it will take a lot of changing and work by Tyler.

I'm sure that what she is concerned about is the fear that the changes are temporary. In more relationships, the charges are temporary until it looks like they are back together. Then people go back to the way they were. Why? Because that's who they are. They do not make any real changes. 

So Tyler has to make real changes that are consistent for a long period of time.


I divorced a guy who treated me like this. I gave him quite a few chances. The changes lasted a few days.. at most a few weeks. There was no reason to stay.


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## Tyler12 (Nov 21, 2015)

Elegirl you are right on point. I know she is scared as well. To move away to separate but it's what she feels is right. And ya I have a lot to do to change my attitude and behaviour towards a relationship. It's been just over 3 weeks. So the changes have to carry one forever. She is very worried that I will "slide back into my rut" as she put it. I have to keep going. No matter what. Even if this doesn't work out. The changes need to happen for me and for my children. It could be construed as selfish in her part. But after the years of my own selfishness her "selfishness" is more about what is best for her and the kids at this point. So we aren't fighting and hating each other. I gues the issue that is plaguing me the most is the lack of acknowledging that I'm am trying and the other guy that has seemingly taken my place as her comfort zone. That's what I am having trouble getting past


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Had she said anything before announcing she's leaving?

How long has the OM been involved?

The reason I'm asking is this. There may be an issue with you or It may be an easy excuse for an affair cover.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Tyler12 said:


> Elegirl you are right on point. I know she is scared as well. To move away to separate but it's what she feels is right. And ya I have a lot to do to change my attitude and behaviour towards a relationship. It's been just over 3 weeks. So the changes have to carry one forever. She is very worried that I will "slide back into my rut" as she put it. I have to keep going. No matter what. Even if this doesn't work out. The changes need to happen for me and for my children. It could be construed as selfish in her part. But after the years of my own selfishness her "selfishness" is more about what is best for her and the kids at this point. So we aren't fighting and hating each other. I gues the issue that is plaguing me the most is the lack of acknowledging that I'm am trying and the other guy that has seemingly taken my place as her comfort zone. That's what I am having trouble getting past


It's great you're working on fixing your issues but if another man is in the mix this is your biggest problem/threat. 

Many times people come here hanging their heads down from you're a bad spouse, you're a bad parent and it ends up being Cheaterspeak.

If I were you I'd check the phone bills immediately ( go online and download the calls from her phone) and see how long this has been going on and how deep it is. Are they in contact physically?

If it's even an EA expose it immediately!!!!!! 

There is no excuse to bring another man into you marriage. This is your wife/life and family!!!! 

You'd better wake up fast!!!! She's already ahead of you

Read up on some of the other threads. Yours is pretty typical.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

[But after the years of my own selfishness her "selfishness" is more about what is best for her and the kids at this point. So we aren't fighting and hating each other. I gues the issue that is plaguing me the most is the lack of acknowledging that I'm am trying and the other guy that has seemingly taken my place as her comfort zone. That's what I am having trouble getting past.]

She's going to dump you for another man. These issues she's bringing up are to justify her CHEATING!!!!!! Cheaterspeak!!!! 

You'd better focus in on this or you are toast!!!!!

There is no marriage with another man in it much less trying to fix it. Do you not get that?????


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Tyler12 said:


> She has said that there is chance of reconciliation but we need to start over someday. That we need to become happy alone and then maybe start again. She has also said that I am on the right path to bettering myself but I need forget her and focus on me. I just want to try the we while I am working on myself.


This is what she's doing here:

She is wanting separation and dropping you breadcrumbs so she can have more time with the other man.

You seem to be in left field looking for the ball while her and the other man are heading towards home plate to consummate their affair.

If they haven't already.

Anyway to get her messages off her phone?????? You really need to know what you're up against.

She's probably in fantasyland thinking how green the grass looks over there.


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## Tyler12 (Nov 21, 2015)

There isn't a need to get her phone bills and all that. I know she texts him all day. And they talk on the phone probably daily as well. She knows I know about him. And that it is past just a friendship. I know for a fact that they have kissed have a good idea she has sent him nudes and am holding out hope they haven't slept together. The problem I am finding is talking to her about it. Asking her to stop because when I do she gets angry and tries to change the subject and says I can't wait till I am out of here. I don't want to fight with her because the kids are here and we can still talk fr time to time when she's not glued to that damn phone.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

So you are letting it happen??????

In most cases a kiss=sex in an affair

Does he have a wife, etc?????

If you don't try and stop this your marriage is done!

Does her parents, etc know what is going on here?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You need to read up on exposure. You don't have anything to lose here.

The sh!t you are getting is probably to justify her affair.

This is an affair. 

You cannot nice her out of this. You can't stop the affair you need to file.

Better get a lawyer and see what your rights are. Are you in a no fault state?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

What's your plan? Do you have one?

Do you want to stop the affair? Are you willing to do what it takes to stop it?

Have you confronted the other man?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You have to expose. If you don't expose, you will be divorced and moved out and he will be moved in within a month or two.

Time to man up.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

turnera said:


> You have to expose. If you don't expose, you will be divorced and moved out and he will be moved in within a month or two.
> 
> Time to man up.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Here's the thing. When women cheat, they have switched allegiance. They can only love one man at a time. So while he's in the picture, you are OUT of the picture. Your ONLY hope to stay married is to get him OUT of the picture.

Please trust me that I know what I'm talking about. I've seen thousands of marriages on forums like this and there is only ONE thing that will save your marriage. 

You call up her parents/siblings/friends/pastor and you tell them "I need you to know that your daughter/sister/cousin has started having an affair with Bob. I've done the research, and I understand that what she's feeling now is an addiction, it's something called PEA chemicals, and she's on a high when she sees her affair partner, and it's keeping her from seeing reality. Now I'm completely willing to look at my own faults in this marriage and do whatever I have to, but nothing will matter until she agrees to give up her affair partner. I'm asking you to help me save our family from this guy and the addiction. Tell her that he won't be welcome. Let her see that this is a fantasy. And if she gives him up and we go to counseling, and she still doesn't want to be married to me, I'll walk away. But nothing will be right if she doesn't get rid of this guy. She'll regret it the rest of her life. Not to mention what it'll do to our kids. Will you help me?"

And then you get the contact information for HIS people, and you call them up and say 'Are you aware your son/brother/cousin is pursuing a married woman? With kids? And he's convincing her to give up her family for him. Do you really want your son/brother/cousin doing this?'

And then you sit back and wait for the fireworks. If she doesn't get mad, THEN you worry. She SHOULD get mad; that means you have a chance. Your marriage can survive her anger. It can't survive another man.

This is your chance to man up and SAVE your marriage, from HER. She NEEDS you to save her from her addiction.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You can't "nice" her back.
Period.:frown2:


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You have received some sound advice. Especially from Turnera who's one of the smartest women on here.

However, it will get you absolutely nothing if you don't take action. 

You are quickly running out of time.

Do you get it yet??????


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

You've had some excellent advice here .... not.

By your own admittance you've sat on a** playing on your phone and computer and done nothing to help her raise not only her own children but yours as well. She isn't hiding an affair because she doesn't care if you know or not and the advice given is to man up and lay down the law on her when you couldn't bother to man up and help raise the family. If you do that she'll be out the door so quick you'll see burn marks on the floor. If it comes out that you haven't even bothered with your own kids you could lose more than just your wife.

The ball is in your court here and you have a lot of work to do. She needs to see a serious and continuous effort to believe that you can change. You've admitted that already, which is great, but you need to ignore the ideas of telling her what must happen or there will be consequences as she has already told you that she would rather have the consequences.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

WonkyNinja said:


> You've had some excellent advice here .... not.
> 
> By your own admittance you've sat on a** playing on your phone and computer and done nothing to help her raise not only her own children but yours as well. She isn't hiding an affair because she doesn't care if you know or not and the advice given is to man up and lay down the law on her when you couldn't bother to man up and help raise the family. If you do that she'll be out the door so quick you'll see burn marks on the floor. If it comes out that you haven't even bothered with your own kids you could lose more than just your wife.
> 
> The ball is in your court here and you have a lot of work to do. She needs to see a serious and continuous effort to believe that you can change. You've admitted that already, which is great, but you need to ignore the ideas of telling her what must happen or there will be consequences as she has already told you that she would rather have the consequences.


Wrong, he has only 2 choices here. Force the OM out or divorce. You can't effectively work on a marriage with OM in the mix. Besides I'd bet the issues are affair excuses or Cheaterspeak


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

The problem isn't your behavior, the problem is that she is having an affair and you are allowing her to.

1. Go see a lawyer IMMEDIATELY. It does not matter if you love her, your first and only goal is to get out of infidelity immediately

2. It's your wife's problem if she can't find a job.

3. Read up on the 180, and operate using it exclusively

4. You'll be letting her know after you see the lawyer that you are divorcing her upon grounds of infidelity 

5. EXPOSE THE AFFAIR TO EVERYONE. Everyone. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Of course he has to fix his side of the street. That's GLARINGLY obvious. But fixing himself - once his wife has latched onto another man - will not have one bit of an effect on her getting rid of her affair partner. She's feeding her addiction right now, and any kissing up on his side will be met with bemusement; "Oh, isn't that sweet, NOW he's fixing himself; too bad I already have a better guy right here in the motel with me."

Yes, he has to tell her his eyes are wide open now. But none of that matters if he won't fight to save the marriage by getting rid of the OM. It just doesn't work, once she's in the addiction. You can't wean yourself off of heroin; it has to be removed from your vicinity before you can stop thinking about it 24/7.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> Wrong, he has only 2 choices here. Force the OM out or divorce. You can't effectively work on a marriage with OM in the mix. Besides I'd bet the issues are affair excuses or Cheaterspeak



He said that he had ignored her for his phone and computer, not her. I agree that she needs to stop with the OM but he needs to show her that he can make it worth it. However jumping off the couch and suddenly laying down the law isn't going to help it's going to p1ss her off even more.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

WonkyNinja said:


> He said that he had ignored her for his phone and computer, not her. I agree that she needs to stop with the OM but he needs to show her that he can make it worth it. However jumping off the couch and suddenly laying down the law isn't going to help it's going to p1ss her off even more.


The affair has to stop first. Before anything else. Or it won't matter what he fixes. By the time he fixes his issues the marriage will be over. 
Do you not get that?


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## LovePractitioner (Dec 2, 2015)

Marc878 is making many good points here. You could be in denial not accepting that she's already moved on with another. It hurts. The thing to do though is to take her up on working on yourself focusing on any fears you have about being abandoned or lonely. If you have those fears it not only makes you miserable it turns off the spouse at a very profound level of the unconscious. 

Like Mar878 said, if you don't make a stand on her cheating lover, it'll probably get worse. Get him out of the marriage! Insist that he leaves her alone. Do it anyway you can, if it feels safe you may even want to speak directly to this man and very specifically. Put some fear in him. And engage anyone else that can help; her parents, her siblings, her pasteur, anyone that she looks up to. 

I would say don't give up if at all possible. Though divorce is often inevitable, far too many give up too soon. Stay true to yourself and your vow. If you treat her well but act like the man of the house and she doesn't want to come around, she certainly can be suspected of being selfish. Let's not bury our heads in the sand. The divorce rate is soaring mainly because of selfishness. Period. If that's her, you just have to keep reminding yourself that you are better off without a cheater in your life. I completely feel for you. No one deserves to be betrayed. Its harsh, to say the least. 

I do offer a free report called, "Breathe Life Back Into Your Marriage. It's full of good advice. Visit Breathe Life Back Into Your Marriage to grab you a copy.


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