# Post reconciliation crap



## tracyishere

I'm just gonna spill the beans on myself. This is for my healing purposes. Join in if you like. 

So it's been approx 1.5ys since d day. And my marriage is going well. There are still issues that need ironing out, but every marriage has issues. 

That's not what I want to talk about anyway. What I want to talk about is me. 

How this has affected my life as the BS. 

I am not going to get through it all in one post, so bare with me as it may take several for me to get what I need to say out. 

Prior to the affair I was a confident, relatively happy person with real dreams and genuine trust and love for people. 

Now I am none of that. In fact, I hate myself. I disgust myself. If I saw me on the street I would spit in my face. 

Yup. That's where I am at. Weird how one event can change everything. Not only did I have to battle to save my marriage, I now have to battle to save myself.


----------



## tracyishere

Who knew how desperate I would become to feel valued and desired. Sad and sick. My sense of self was all wrapped up in one person. That person should've been me. It wasn't. Now I'm lost, don't know who I am anymore. Don't know how to find out either.


----------



## LanieB

Well, crap, Tracy. That sucks - yet I know exactly how that feels. I am honestly relieved that I no longer have to live in a situation like that anymore. If I hadn't discovered my husband was still cheating, I don't know that I could have gone on living that way for much longer anyway. It kills your spirit, kills your self-esteem, kills your happiness, and kills a huge part of who you are. 

Are you getting any kind of counseling? Are you on any antidepressants? If you honestly feel like this on a regular basis, you really need to do something about it. Does your husband know how you feel? Do you talk about everything? Is he remorseful?


----------



## tracyishere

I became reliant on strangers to make me feel something. Anything!! 

It didn't matter how many "I love you's" I received from my h. Or how many soft kisses and sweet surprises he gave. It wasn't enough. I was broken. And he broke me. And no matter how hard he tried to fix me he couldn't. 

Only I can fix me. And this my friends is where my journey of healing begins.


----------



## tracyishere

LanieB said:


> Well, crap, Tracy. That sucks - yet I know exactly how that feels. I am honestly relieved that I no longer have to live in a situation like that anymore. If I hadn't discovered my husband was still cheating, I don't know that I could have gone on living that way for much longer anyway. It kills your spirit, kills your self-esteem, kills your happiness, and kills a huge part of who you are.
> 
> 
> 
> Are you getting any kind of counseling? Are you on any antidepressants? If you honestly feel like this on a regular basis, you really need to do something about it. Does your husband know how you feel? Do you talk about everything? Is he remorseful?





Yes I'm on antidepressants and have asked to have them upped. They won't. They say that drugs will not make the problems disappear. Yes, I'm seeing a psychologist and he is ok. I find it difficult to talk to another man though. 

Do I feel like this all the time? No. Not at all. But, it's there. And it needs to be dealt with so that I can be a better person for me and for my children.


----------



## Thunder7

Welcome back.  Nothing else to add right now.


----------



## LanieB

tracyishere said:


> I became reliant on strangers to make me feel something. Anything!!


I think this is very common. I also think it's temporary. At some point, this will fade away. Maybe not completely, because it's always nice to have attention, especially after you've been betrayed liked that. It makes us feel good. But now that you've identified this behavior may be a problem, you can work on it.


----------



## tracyishere

I find it discouraging to find messages in my inbox asking for advice on how to win your WS back. 

Little do these BS's know getting them back is only the tip of the iceberg. The journey is painful and exhausting. And you learn things about yourself that are both good and bad. 

If I could go back, would I do it again? Yes. Why? Because I married this man because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. To me he was worth it. He is the love of my life. 

The question I have for others is. How much are you willing to suffer for someone who makes you suffer? He chose to put me in this position. He broke me and he gets to move on, while I'm stuck. Wtf? Not fair. 

If you believe that you too can move on, be prepared to fight for it because it will not happen on it's own.


----------



## LanieB

tracyishere said:


> Yes I'm on antidepressants and have asked to have them upped. They won't. They say that drugs will not make the problems disappear. Yes, I'm seeing a psychologist and he is ok. I find it difficult to talk to another man though.
> 
> Do I feel like this all the time? No. Not at all. But, it's there. And it needs to be dealt with so that I can be a better person for me and for my children.


So, the doctor won't increase your antidepressants - but maybe they aren't working well for you anymore and you need to switch to a different kind. I think it's pretty common for AD's to work for a while, and eventually stop working so well. My doctor tried to add a mood-stabilizer to go along with my AD - but unfortunately, I had a horrible reaction to it and had to stop taking it. (However, since I filed for divorce and got rid of the source of my depression, I am no longer depressed. Go figure. )

However, if I were you, I would discuss the possibility of changing meds - at least until you can deal with everything in therapy and make some progress. I don't believe anyone should mask their problems forever, but sometimes the depression gets ridiculously out of hand, making it nearly impossible to make any progress. And if you literally hate yourself and disgust yourself, then you need to do anything you can to pull yourself up out of that black hole.


----------



## tracyishere

Lanie, if my h EVER does that to me again I am gone. I know I do not have the strength nor desire to fight for an assh0le in my life. 

The funny thing is, he is very protective of me now. I found out he has access to my e-mail on his phone, he checks my phone all the time...etc. he lives with the paranoia I once had. 

It's annoying. But, I have nothing to hide, so whatever. 

It's one consequence he faces as a cheater. He now fears I will cheat on him. And I'm ok with that.


----------



## CharlieParker

tracyishere said:


> he gets to move on, while I'm stuck.


That's not really how it should work, you know that.


----------



## tracyishere

CharlieParker said:


> That's not really how it should work, you know that.



That's the reality Charlie. I am forever scarred because of his actions.


----------



## LanieB

Well, I've discussed this before with other BS's, but if you decide to reconcile, the BS is always going to be the one who suffers. There's just no getting around it, as you will continue to live with the source of your pain every day. I realize there are WS's who are very remorseful of what they've done and they do suffer, but it is nowhere near how much a BS suffers. A BS will always have some amount of pain, no matter how much time passes. The one you loved and trusted the most in your life caused the worst pain imaginable. You may eventually get over it (or at least get used to it), but you will never forget it.


----------



## CharlieParker

You've got to move. No being stuck. Not saying leave but stuck is not going to work well long term.


----------



## tracyishere

LanieB said:


> Well, I've discussed this before with other BS's, but if you decide to reconcile, the BS is always going to be the one who suffers. There's just no getting around it, as you will continue to live with the source of your pain every day. I realize there are WS's who are very remorseful of what they've done and they do suffer, but it is nowhere near how much a BS suffers. A BS will always have some amount of pain, no matter how much time passes. The one you loved and trusted the most in your life caused the worst pain imaginable. You may eventually get over it (or at least get used to it), but you will never forget it.



Totally agree


----------



## tracyishere

CharlieParker said:


> You've got to move. No being stuck. Not saying leave but stuck is not going to work well long term.



And that is why I came back. I needed a place to talk about this so that I can heal and get unstuck.


----------



## LanieB

Talking is good. Sometimes it seems like we talk around in circles all the time, but it does help. 

Is your husband doing all the right things?


----------



## CharlieParker

tracyishere said:


> And that is why I came back. I needed a place to talk about this so that I can heal and get unstuck.


OK, then I'm going with . I wish you well, really.


----------



## tracyishere

He is progressing. He is probably 95% less abusive than he was. 

The 5% usually occurs when he is really stressed out or tired. No excuse I know. But that's generally when people revert back to old ways.


----------



## LanieB

Do you truly love him? And do you 100% want to stay married to him?


----------



## CharlieParker

LanieB said:


> Do you truly love him? And do you 100% want to stay married to him?


And any remorse?


----------



## tracyishere

Love is a farce and I don't believe in it. But yes i 100% want to stay with him.


----------



## tracyishere

CharlieParker said:


> And any remorse?



Of course I am remorseful. I regret how poorly I behaved. I regret that I couldn't love myself the way I should have. I regret holding on to my resentments instead of dealing with them in appropriate ways.


----------



## LanieB

tracyishere said:


> *Love is a farce and I don't believe in it.* But yes i 100% want to stay with him.


Wait a minute - - this is what I'm supposed to say, NOT YOU!!


----------



## CharlieParker

tracyishere said:


> Of course I am remorseful. I regret how poorly I behaved. I regret that I couldn't love myself the way I should have. I regret holding on to my resentments instead of dealing with them in appropriate ways.


No, no, no, I meant on his part.


----------



## LanieB

tracyishere said:


> Of course I am remorseful. I regret how poorly I behaved. I regret that I couldn't love myself the way I should have. I regret holding on to my resentments instead of dealing with them in appropriate ways.


I was assuming Charlie meant is YOUR HUSBAND remorseful.


----------



## CharlieParker

LanieB said:


> I was assuming Charlie meant is YOUR HUSBAND remorseful.


Um, yeah, didn't think that needed to pointed out.


----------



## tracyishere

Lol. Yeah. I thought I mentioned that a long time ago.


----------



## tracyishere

I guess he waivers back and forth on his accountability. But without therapy he will not be able to get to that point of accepting responsibility for his actions I don't think.


----------



## mineforever

Hi Tracyishere!!!! Welcome back. Just so you know what you are going through is normal and it does s**k. I would like to day it is easy...it isn't, its one of the hardest things I have went through. I believe for some of us the betrayal so blindsided us and we are so deeply routed in our marriage and family that the betray as it completely unearths us and leaves us floundering for solid ground again. I guess the one thing I did learn from my journey was I was irrevocably changed whether I wanted to be or not....I can not go back to who I was and I can not recreate her....the person I was is gone, I had to discover and become the "new" me. Do I miss the old me YES!!!...do I like the new me, yes and no, I have scars that have permanently changed me but some have made me stronger...some more cynical and less optimistic. I don't give trust freely now ....I am cautious and I hold part of me back but I am constantly working on it. Its a long journey,I am 13yrs from his first DDay....the stabbing pain of the betrayals are long gone but sadness of what our history holds will always bev there. It might be interesting for you to know that for my husband atleast, he suffers more now because of his past. He still can't forgive himself for what he did and how he hurt me and ultimately has changed me. We have learned the hard way that "betrayal" is the perverbial gift that keeps on giving for a lifetime.....you think it is all gone and your past pops up and smacks you to say I am here every once in a while. Eventually it stops stinging and sometimes you can even laugh about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tracyishere

Thanks for that post. I am struggling to find the new me. And I'm grieving the loss of the old me.


----------



## mineforever

Hang in there Tracy..it is a slow process but there will be happier days and you will believe in love again. It will take time...I am sure you realize by now you chose the really hard road. They are both hard, this one just takes a double toll on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tracyishere

Wow. Thank you. That was a very good post. 

30 years, that's a long time to find yourself. 

I really wish I could be who I was. I loved who I was. Now I hate myself. 

I don't think I'll be able to ever look at myself and be proud.


----------



## sandc

Why do you give him so much power over you?


----------



## tracyishere

How so?


----------



## sandc

I don't know it just seems like all your happiness and self-worth is wrapped up in him. You're attractive and you seem highly intelligent. Just seems that you're, or maybe it's were, relying on him to make you happy. No one can make anyone happy. We have to find that in ourselves.

I don't have the answers. I struggle with self-worth all the time. Kind of makes me an overachiever at times.


----------



## Mr Blunt

*Tracy, I am the BS and I have over 25 years of R. I will give you my take on your situation.*



> By Tracy
> Who knew how desperate I would become to feel valued and desired. Sad and sick. *My sense of self was all wrapped up in one person*. That person should've been me. It wasn't. Now I'm lost, don't know who I am anymore. Don't know how to find out either.



Who you are is a woman that has been shyt on and a woman that has been faithful to a man that was not faithful to you..* In addition, you are a mother and grandmother and that by itself gives you a lot of worth.* My mother is 88 and she is still the rock of my life and has been such a source of strength that I will have to draw upon God more when she is gone. YOU ARE A VERY VALUED PERSON you just need to get some help to believe that.





> Only I can fix me. And this my friends is where my journey of healing begins.


You are right Tracy but others can be of help but you have to do your part.




> The question I have for others is. How much are you willing to suffer for someone who makes you suffer? He chose to put me in this position. He broke me and he gets to move on, while I'm stuck. Wtf? Not fair.


Not fair? NO SHYT!
Now let’s move on. Throw out the fair thinking; life is not fair so let’s deal with reality
I am willing to suffer for someone I love as long as they are trying to get better and do not drag me into the sewer.





> He is progressing. He is probably 95% less abusive than he was.


Now we cannot blame him for us being stuck can we?
I am not taking up for him as I have suffered the pain that cheaters cause but I am interested in you the innocent one in this betrayal. If he is 95% improved in that area then you do not have to deal with that very much.





> Of course I am remorseful. I regret how poorly I behaved. I regret that I couldn't love myself the way I should have. I regret holding on to my resentments instead of dealing with them in appropriate ways.


Now is the time to stop that crap and start getting better. So you behaved poorly; who the hell has not behaved poorly? 
I sure have!






> I guess he waivers back and forth on his accountability. But without therapy he will not be able to get to that point of accepting responsibility for his actions I don't think.


You have to prepare in case he never accepts responsibility; get yourself into a position that his actions do not control 100% or even 50% of your life.* No one should put 100% of their life into another human IMO*




> really wish I could be who I was. I loved who I was. Now I hate myself.
> I don't think I'll be able to ever look at myself and be proud.


*What the hell do you think that you did so terrible that you should hate yourself and never be proud?*


My whole self was attacked because of my wife’s affair but I finally decded that *I am going to work on me without any false guilt and get my self as self sufficient as possible*. I did that and now I am a giver rather than a pitiful limp dish rag. I am honored and loved by my whole family.* I am a recovered BS and no longer doubt my self worth.*

Mr. John Adams and Philat are two other BS that have recovered and they do not hate themselves and are proud of what they have done. I know we are all men and you are a woman but does that really make that much difference? As Mrs. Adams has stated there are a lot of us out here so I hope that all offer their truths to you so that you can get better.

If you want you can ask me some specific questions so that I know where you are at. I know you hate yourself and feel unworthy but that is a lie from the pits of hell! *SPECIFICALLY why do you hate yourself and feel unworthy? *I know I know your husband cheated on you but what shyt he does is on him not you. Do not buy into that false crap! 
*You are a mother and grandmother; that makes you worthy right there; you just do not know it yet*


----------



## tracyishere

sandc said:


> I don't know it just seems like all your happiness and self-worth is wrapped up in him. You're attractive and you seem highly intelligent. Just seems that you're, or maybe it's were, relying on him to make you happy. No one can make anyone happy. We have to find that in ourselves.
> 
> I don't have the answers. I struggle with self-worth all the time. Kind of makes me an overachiever at times.





Yes, I said that. Lol
Almost exactly that actually!! 

Its complicated. I guess it is more to do with the fact that if my h couldn't love me anymore than there must be something wrong with me. Pretty soon you question everything about yourself and don't know what is good and what is bad.


----------



## tracyishere

Mr Blunt said:


> *Tracy, I am the BS and I have over 25 years of R. I will give you my take on your situation.*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Who you are is a woman that has been shyt on and a woman that has been faithful to a man that was not faithful to you..* In addition, you are a mother and grandmother and that by itself gives you a lot of worth.* My mother is 88 and she is still the rock of my life and has been such a source of strength that I will have to draw upon God more when she is gone. YOU ARE A VERY VALUED PERSON you just need to get some help to believe that.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You are right Tracy but others can be of help but you have to do your part.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Not fair? NO SHYT!
> 
> Now let’s move on. Throw out the fair thinking; life is not fair so let’s deal with reality
> 
> I am willing to suffer for someone I love as long as they are trying to get better and do not drag me into the sewer.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Now we cannot blame him for us being stuck can we?
> 
> I am not taking up for him as I have suffered the pain that cheaters cause but I am interested in you the innocent one in this betrayal. If he is 95% improved in that area then you do not have to deal with that very much.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Now is the time to stop that crap and start getting better. So you behaved poorly; who the hell has not behaved poorly?
> 
> I sure have!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You have to prepare in case he never accepts responsibility; get yourself into a position that his actions do not control 100% or even 50% of your life.* No one should put 100% of their life into another human IMO*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *What the hell do you think that you did so terrible that you should hate yourself and never be proud?*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> My whole self was attacked because of my wife’s affair but I finally decded that *I am going to work on me without any false guilt and get my self as self sufficient as possible*. I did that and now I am a giver rather than a pitiful limp dish rag. I am honored and loved by my whole family.* I am a recovered BS and no longer doubt my self worth.*
> 
> 
> 
> Mr. John Adams and Philat are two other BS that have recovered and they do not hate themselves and are proud of what they have done. I know we are all men and you are a woman but does that really make that much difference? As Mrs. Adams has stated there are a lot of us out here so I hope that all offer their truths to you so that you can get better.
> 
> 
> 
> If you want you can ask me some specific questions so that I know where you are at. I know you hate yourself and feel unworthy but that is a lie from the pits of hell! *SPECIFICALLY why do you hate yourself and feel unworthy? *I know I know your husband cheated on you but what shyt he does is on him not you. Do not buy into that false crap!
> 
> *You are a mother and grandmother; that makes you worthy right there; you just do not know it yet*



I thank you for sharing that. I am trying to overcome this. I really don't know how to begin though. 

I'm not ready to disclose what I am not proud of. That is something too personal for me to discuss right now. Perhaps down the road I may take advantage of your offer when I am ready.


----------



## tracyishere

Have to put something here because it won't let me delete my duplicate post.


----------



## Thunder7

sandc said:


> Why do you give him so much power over you?


I wish I could like that 1000 times. Well put.


----------



## sandc

tracyishere said:


> Yes, I said that. Lol
> Almost exactly that actually!!
> 
> Its complicated. I guess it is more to do with the fact that if my h couldn't love me anymore than there must be something wrong with me. Pretty soon you question everything about yourself and don't know what is good and what is bad.


Okay but in my defense I didn't read your whole thread. Sorry. So I get credit for thinking of it too. She we be frightened that we think alike? 

But see that's the flaw in your thinking, he isn't the only one capable of loving you. There are many people capable of loving you. You just picked someone who's particular character flaw was infidelity. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you as a person. I think you're an idealist, just like me. You assumed, and had every right, that you would both honor your marriage vows. You held up your end of the deal, he didn't. That makes him broken, not you. Unfortunately he broke you in the process. Hell, would have broke me too. Now you've got to figure out how to love a broken person as well as yourself.

Even if you don't believe it yourself, trust this internet stranger, you are loveable. There is no shortage of men who would want to be with you. But then we come back to the original problem; finding a person who is of the same quality as yourself.

Maybe don't try to rebuild the old marriage. See if you can make a new one. Who have you always wanted to be? Start being her. Make your H court her, win her over.


----------



## tracyishere

Yes! The point of this thread is not to rebuild the marriage. The marriage is good enough. 

This is a thread on rebuilding me.


----------



## sandc

So what do you think is the first step on your "incredible journey"?


----------



## tracyishere

Idk.


----------



## BrokenVows

I say you start by making a positive list of your good qualities. Just from your interactions on TAM we can tell that you are witty, intelligent, friendly, not to mention pretty!

I too am a BS (DDay 10/1/12) and I went through the phase where I doubted everything about myself. Was I pretty enough, smart enough, sexy enough, fun enough, etc. But then I realized, I'm not the one in question, HE is. Fortunately he realizes this. As far as R goes he's doing everything right, he knows he has to earn back my trust. I still have triggers, but am willing to fight through them as long as he continues to fight for me.


----------



## LanieB

What are some things about yourself you wish to change, Tracy? I'll tell you one of mine - - I have always been a doormat. I will do anything to avoid confrontation, because it has always scared me (this started from a very very young age - so it's hard to break). So in order to avoid confrontation, I accept things I shouldn't accept. Along this same line, I have always had very low self-esteem. I take whatever mediocre scraps are thrown at me and never feel like I deserve anything more. 

So now I have to figure out how to change these things about myself. It is going to require me to have to really think things through from now on, and summon up the courage to say "no" to the things I won't accept. I'm working on this now with my divorce. And I can say that I'm making some good progress.

So name one thing about yourself you think you should change.


----------



## tracyishere

Unfortunately writing down a list of qualities does not necessarily make me believe them.


----------



## tracyishere

My problem is Lanie that I don't want to change. I want the old me back.


----------



## sandc

tracyishere said:


> My problem is Lanie that I don't want to change. I want the old me back.


I'm sorry. She's no longer available. Can we interest you in a new Tracy?


----------



## rush

tracyishere said:


> My problem is Lanie that I don't want to change. I want the old me back.


me too


----------



## LanieB

tracyishere said:


> My problem is Lanie that I don't want to change. I want the old me back.


So what specifically about the "old you" do you want back? The happiness? Being carefree? 

Are you in counseling? Are you on any meds? Sounds like you could have depression.

As for me, I don't want the "old me" back. I want to be better than her.


----------



## tracyishere

It's not depression. It's grief. 

I'll tell you what I want: I want my fairytale back. I want to believe in love and trust in people again. I want to feel joy when my husband says he loves me, not sorrow. I want the past erased and filled with magical moments of happiness and fun. I want to have had my daughter born into a home ready to embrace her. 


Not going to happen. Not now, not ever. This is how it is. My fairytale is a nightmare and I have to let it go.


----------



## rush

hum,,,,you need something,,,,,,,,happiness


----------



## tracyishere

I need a shot of reality and a dose Valium.


----------



## Philat

tracyishere said:


> I find it discouraging to find messages in my inbox asking for advice on how to win your WS back.


Just as an aside, I'd tell the people who send these messages to flip their thinking. the question is: What should I tell my WS that *they* need to do to win *me* back?


----------



## LanieB

tracyishere said:


> It's not depression. It's grief.
> 
> I'll tell you what I want: I want my fairytale back. I want to believe in love and trust in people again. I want to feel joy when my husband says he loves me, not sorrow. I want the past erased and filled with magical moments of happiness and fun. I want to have had my daughter born into a home ready to embrace her.
> 
> 
> *Not going to happen. Not now, not ever. This is how it is. My fairytale is a nightmare and I have to let it go.*


I'm confused now, Tracy. Do you want to stay married or not? If so, are you saying you plan to stay married and miserable the rest of your life??


----------



## LanieB

And for the record, I understand the grief - - but my grief eventually turned into depression that wouldn't go away.


----------



## sandc

tracyishere said:


> It's not depression. It's grief.
> 
> I'll tell you what I want: I want my fairytale back. I want to believe in love and trust in people again. I want to feel joy when my husband says he loves me, not sorrow. I want the past erased and filled with magical moments of happiness and fun. I want to have had my daughter born into a home ready to embrace her.
> 
> 
> Not going to happen. Not now, not ever. This is how it is. My fairytale is a nightmare and I have to let it go.


Sounds like you're still coming to terms with what happened. Sadly... it happened. That life is gone. It sucks but.. here you are. You've been whisked off to an alien planet by the most alien of aliens and there is no way to go back. So.

Where do you go from here? Without naming what was... what would you like now?


----------



## Philat

If it's any consolation, the stage in the grieving process that follows depression is acceptance. You won't always feel like this.


----------



## tracyishere

LanieB said:


> I'm confused now, Tracy. Do you want to stay married or not? If so, are you saying you plan to stay married and miserable the rest of your life??



Where are you getting the message that I want to leave? 

I don't believe in hope. But I do have faith that although my dreams of what my marriage would become are shattered, new dreams can be formed. 

I just need to let go of what dreams I had, so I can get out of my fog and start living again.


----------



## LanieB

tracyishere said:


> *Where are you getting the message that I want to leave? *
> 
> I don't believe in hope. But I do have faith that although my dreams of what my marriage would become are shattered, new dreams can be formed.
> 
> I just need to let go of what dreams I had, so I can get out of my fog and start living again.


I was confused when you said, "My fairytale is a nightmare and I have to let it go." I wasn't sure if you meant you were letting go of your marriage or what.


----------



## tracyishere

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Quote... I want to have had my daughter born into a home ready to embrace her.
> 
> Tracy...are you pregnant?



No. I was 7 months when he was ready to leave.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Tracy, I think you have a greater issue than your hb's affair and the loss of trust that accompanies that. He was ready to leave you at 7 months pregnant; that's one of the most vulnerable states you can be in as a woman and it's so important for your partner to have your back. Your hb didn't, so now not only can you not trust him where other women are concerned, you can't fully trust him to have your back. Without that our man is in fact worth very little to us. Maybe that's a place you should focus to help with your healing; if you really feel you can trust him to have your back that might go a long way. If you can't then maybe you should reconsider whether this marriage is good for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tracyishere

My husband has been forgiven, I hold no resentments, just wounds. 

Trust in men in general is gone, along with the trust in myself. 

Finding someone else would not cure this.


----------



## rush

hum......another day, tomorrow is another


----------



## tracyishere

What does that mean?


----------



## rush

tracyishere said:


> What does that mean?


read my sig, but it can get better


----------



## johnAdams

tracyishere said:


> My problem is Lanie that I don't want to change. I want the old me back.


Hi Tracy, I just read this thread for the first time. I could relate to what you said above and felt that way for years.

I know Mrs. Adams addressed many of the things we lost in the affair, however, there is much more than loss of innocence, there is a loss of self.

I often told my wife after the affair that I did not like the person I became. The affair completely took away my self confidence. I was a person that never worried about my looks, however when you are told that was a significant issue, you start worrying about something that previously was never an issue. When you are told you are not exciting or not smooth or not a spiffy dresser you worry about items previously not important. I am not an overly competitive person and now felt I had to be something that I am not. I did not like trying to be something I am not. 

Prior to the affair, I trusted no one except my wife. Now I could trust no one. I had become hollow. I felt I now needed to prove myself to be something I am not. I am a person with high principles, my principles were thrown out the window. What do I believe in now?

Yes, I became someone I did not like. I considered suicide. I tried burying myself in hobbies and other activities. All I wanted was to feel comfortable, comfortable with myself, who I am.

So, what is the answer. This is not an easy one. I think it is time and love. I do not know that there is another answer. Hopefully your husband is helping you get through all of this. After time, you will reach a point where you are comfortable and feel good about yourself again. Do not set a timetable. Enjoy your life. Enjoy your new baby. Make the best of your life, you can have a wonderful life. Eventually, this will all be behind you. Wishing you and your family the very best.


----------



## tracyishere

Thank you. ❤


----------



## tracyishere

I just wanted to clarify what I meant by fairytale. 

The fairytale I had was that even though our marriage was not ideal before the affair, I held onto the belief that as long as I continued to love and support my husband our marriage could survive anything. 

The reality is that it really does not matter how much you love someone. If he/she does not love you in return your marriage will not survive.


----------



## tracyishere

One thing that is really bothering me is that we are finally moving forward with plans to build our own home and live out on the farm. This used to be a shared dream between us that excited us both. 

Now I am numb. I am not excited about this. I am terrified. I feel like it is anchoring me in and suffocating me. This is a dream that had been shattered. Something that was used against me in his heated moments. 

I am scared and confused and not sure how to overcome this.


----------



## johnAdams

tracyishere said:


> The fairytale I had was that even though our marriage was not ideal before the affair, I held onto the belief that as long as I continued to love and support my husband our marriage could survive anything.
> 
> .


Yes, I also had that fairytale.


----------



## CharlieParker

tracyishere said:


> feel like it is anchoring me in and suffocating me.


Have you been doing stuff (friends, hobbies and other stuff out of the house) for you?


----------



## tracyishere

Not too much. I am the primary caregiver so it is not easy for me to do so. Once the weather smartens up I plan on taking the kiddos out for some outside time ( biking, walking, fishing, camping..etc), which I thoroughly enjoy, so I will be getting that in. Something I had put off in order to prove my loyalty to change. 

Something I decided wasn't going to work for me, h is resistant as he is a hermit, but he doesn't have a choice. I don't need him to participate, he hasn't since before we were married, but he needs to let me have a life otherwise "we" won't work, because I am not a hermit. 

Conversation has occured. He accepted it with reluctance, but also with the understanding that this is who I am, and I need to be active in order to be happy.


----------



## Kevinb

Wow, you sound like you have some real issues. It's so sad to see people who are so down. Do you love your husband and want to be with him? It seems like you still have a lot of resentment and it's suffocating you. I hope happiness finds you soon


----------



## sandc

tracyishere said:


> One thing that is really bothering me is that we are finally moving forward with plans to build our own home and live out on the farm. This used to be a shared dream between us that excited us both.
> 
> Now I am numb. I am not excited about this. I am terrified. I feel like it is anchoring me in and suffocating me. This is a dream that had been shattered. Something that was used against me in his heated moments.
> 
> I am scared and confused and not sure how to overcome this.


Then don't do it. Don't saddle yourself with something that will just suffocate you. Maybe you guys need to discuss some new dreams. Different dreams.


----------



## tracyishere

Kevinb said:


> Wow, you sound like you have some real issues. It's so sad to see people who are so down. Do you love your husband and want to be with him? It seems like you still have a lot of resentment and it's suffocating you. I hope happiness finds you soon




Yes I have major issues. Issues that I never used to have. If I am resentful it is because I am a mess now. 

I love my husband, but it hurts to love him. 

If I don't move forward with this house, I remain stagnate, or I make things worse for myself. 

This house is a good thing, it is forcing me to move in a new direction ie. the future. I'm stuck in the past. 

The past is what is holding me back and creating my fears.


----------



## Kevinb

If it hurts to love him it doesn't sound very healthy. I don't think building a new house will be the answer you seek to move forward but I do hope it works for you


----------



## tracyishere

It's not the answer, it's a stepping stone.


----------



## tracyishere

I am way to messed up to ever be who I was. I am a baggage lady now. Nothing I do now is ever going to change what was done. 

I feel like throwing in the towel and disappearing into darkness. That's where I feel like I belong. 

There would be no more struggle once you become accustomed to it. Pretty soon you can see enough in the dark to get by. 

That's all I need to do is get by.


----------



## tracyishere

I have one more thing to say tonight to my TAM companions. I am choosing to remain in this thread from now on. 

I know I FU(ked up and was an attention seeking wh0re before. And for that I apologize. I do not belong on this site because of that. 

So, with that being said, I am not in a healthy enough state of mind to deal with the consequences of my actions in the other forums. 

It is best that I remain here to sort through all this sh!t I have put upon myself. 

Thank you for your understanding.


----------



## nickgtg

tracyishere said:


> I just wanted to clarify what I meant by fairytale.
> 
> The fairytale I had was that even though our marriage was not ideal before the affair, I held onto the belief that as long as I continued to love and support my husband our marriage could survive anything.
> 
> *The reality is that it really does not matter how much you love someone. If he/she does not love you in return your marriage will not survive*.


Sad but true. It's so difficult to let someone you love so much leave. I guess my ex and I had a different explanation of what "forever" meant.


----------



## golfergirl

I don't remember your other threads though I do recognize your name. Past forgotten (really is because I can't remember) we are here for you now. Fresh start.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tracyishere

Well gg you are one of the lucky ones. 

Truth is the only person here for me is myself.


----------



## standinginthegap

tracyishere said:


> Who knew how desperate I would become to feel valued and desired. Sad and sick. My sense of self was all wrapped up in one person. That person should've been me. It wasn't. Now I'm lost, don't know who I am anymore. Don't know how to find out either.


This sounds like resentment to me, this can happen when there is still a part of you holding onto certain factors in the whole situation. Where are you when it comes to having a relationship with God?


----------



## tracyishere

The only person I resent is myself. My relationship with God is strong. That's why I have faith I will overcome this. I just don't know how.


----------



## tracyishere

First thing I need to do is respect myself. To do that I think I'm going to have to call the women's shelter for some counselling specifically for victims of abuse.


----------



## Mzflower

I think that's a good idea. Proud of you for taking the steps to take care of you. Xo


----------



## tracyishere

I am finding it very difficult to follow through. I am humiliated and ashamed of my marriage and I don't want to talk to a person in real life about it. 

Would you? 

No thanks, I'd rather be stoned to death.


----------



## Thunder7

tracyishere said:


> I am finding it very difficult to follow through. I am humiliated and ashamed of my marriage and I don't want to talk to a person in real life about it.
> 
> Would you?
> 
> No thanks, I'd rather be stoned to death.


Tracy, press on with the IC, assuming this is someone you trust to not judge and help you as best they can. If your H won't go you can always better yourself. Put yourself in a position of strength and power. Don't be humiliated and ashamed. Acknowledge mistakes, own them and vow to not repeat them. Remember you have kids. YOU have to be their rock. They rely on YOU. It's time for those difficult, if not permanent, decisions to be made. Sending along my best wishes.


----------



## tracyishere

I have no self. And even if I did I am tired of fixing it. 

I just want to retire for awhile and learn to settle in with what i got. 

No more working on me. I just want to be me. How will I ever know who I am if I am always struggling to be someone who I am not.


----------



## sandc

Have you thought about anti-depressants? Seriously.


----------



## tracyishere

I am on them. I've said that already.


----------



## rush

yep


----------



## Mzflower

tracyishere said:


> I am on them. I've said that already.


Tracy, this doesn't sound like you. 

I've read all your past (deleted) threads, I know it's been hard and you've been struggling, but here (on TAM) you've always contributed and kept us laughing with your witty (and some times smart azz) humour. 

I don't know what happened, but you still have plenty of friends here that care, offer great advise and support. 

Find your fight Tracy, I know you can!


----------



## tracyishere

I don't know who that was. Probably someone pretending the world is wonderful just to survive. 

I have my head out of the clouds now and there ain't nothing wrong with that.


----------



## tracyishere

Mzflower said:


> Tracy, this doesn't sound like you.
> 
> 
> 
> I've read all your past (deleted) threads, I know it's been hard and you've been struggling, but here (on TAM) you've always contributed and kept us laughing with your witty (and some times smart azz) humour.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't know what happened, but you still have plenty of friends here that care, offer great advise and support.
> 
> 
> 
> Find your fight Tracy, I know you=quote]
> 
> I just burn out those who care and leave them feeling frustrated and exhausted.
> 
> It's better not to care. Trust me.


----------



## tracyishere

tracyishere said:


> Mzflower said:
> 
> 
> 
> I don't know what happened, but you still have plenty of friends here that care, offer great advise and support.
> 
> Find your fight Tracy, I know you[/QUOTE
> 
> I just burn out those who care and leave them feeling frustrated and exhausted.
> 
> It's better not to care. Trust me.
Click to expand...


----------



## Sandfly

tracyishere said:


> Prior to the affair I was a confident, relatively happy person with real dreams and genuine trust and love for people.


Refreshing honesty.

I share with you the change in character, from trusting to cynical, but I don't hate myself. 

Why would you hate yourself?

Sounds like the aggression which would normally be directed outwards, has been directed inwards, rather than dealt with.

I find myself unable to smile, and much of the time I catch myself scowling. Self-destructive behaviour needs an outlet. You should find one pronto.


----------



## CharlieParker

tracyishere said:


> I just burn out those who care and leave them feeling frustrated and exhausted.
> 
> It's better not to care. Trust me.


:scratchhead: and I'm thinking, no. But explain more.


----------



## tracyishere

Sandfly said:


> Refreshing honesty.
> 
> 
> 
> I share with you the change in character, from trusting to cynical, but I don't hate myself.
> 
> 
> 
> Why would you hate yourself?
> 
> 
> 
> Sounds like the aggression which would normally be directed outwards, has been directed inwards, rather than dealt with.
> 
> 
> 
> I find myself unable to smile, and much of the time I catch myself scowling. Self-destructive behaviour needs an outlet. You should find one pronto.



I hate the things I've said and done. I hate being a fool and I hate not having the guts to do anything about it. 

I've been exercising and I do find that it helps. But I also find it doesn't because I feel like my appearance is the last thing that should matter. 

What's broken is on the inside and no matter how much I sweat it ain't going to replace what's missing. 

I came here in hopes that I could write about it and gain new perspectives and motivation. 

I see my psycho tomorrow. I will bring up my meds again. 

I am not doing nothing. The difference this time is I am not working on bettering myself anymore. I'm sick of always trying to do more. This is me. Now I just have to learn who "me" truly is.


----------



## itskaren

tracyishere said:


> That's the reality Charlie. I am forever scarred because of his actions.




This is exactly how I feel.


----------



## tracyishere

CharlieParker said:


> :scratchhead: and I'm thinking, no. But explain more.



Because nobody likes a daisy downer (Somebody who has the same complaints time and time again and yet never does anything about it).

That's me.


----------



## Mmdog60

So I'm confused did husband cheat on you? Or vice versa? These are all tough situations. Hang in there Tracey.


----------



## tracyishere

My husband cheated on me. But there is a lot more complex issues in my marriage that I've had to deal with as well. I'm not a mess solely as a result of his affair.


----------



## Mmdog60

Ok wow. Sorry. My wife left me for a twenty something ( we were 40) it was devastating. Hang in there! Wish you peace.


----------



## Kevinb

hang in there Mate


----------



## tracyishere

So I met with the psycho he stands by his belief that I do not need any medication alterations. In fact, I got to listen to him blow smoke up my ass for 45mins. It was wonderful! Lol

If you ever need an ego boost....


----------



## tracyishere

So I figured out how to get my sanity back. I'm just going to accept the idea of an abnormal marriage. I think my personal struggle has a lot to do with trying to achieve an ideal marriage. I cannot compare my marriage to the norm anymore. It is not normal and never will be normal. 

What needs to happen is what makes us happy not what looks good. 

If we are happy being fu(ked up and unusual then that is ok. Because that is what works for us. It makes us happy. And we don't have to please anyone else but each other. So, screw you healthy marriage! I'm gonna be unhealthy and love it.


----------



## rush

tracyishere said:


> So I figured out how to get my sanity back. I'm just going to accept the idea of an abnormal marriage. I think my personal struggle has a lot to do with trying to achieve an ideal marriage. I cannot compare my marriage to the norm anymore. It is not normal and never will be normal.
> 
> What needs to happen is what makes us happy not what looks good.
> 
> If we are happy being fu(ked up and unusual then that is ok. Because that is what works for us. It makes us happy. And we don't have to please anyone else but each other. So, screw you healthy marriage! I'm gonna be unhealthy and love it.


uhhhhhh, I won't say a word


----------



## Mark72

If you are truly happy then you are doing pretty good.
Are you truly happy, or are you trying to convince yourself you are happy?
Or is it possible that you are anxious about change?


----------



## Fordsvt

Sorry but you don't sound happy at all. This is no way to live Tracey. Accepting an abnormal marriage is not healthy. I can say this. You can only work on yourself. Also control what you say think and do in life. You are hurting from a lot of trauma in your life. It's great to see your doing IC. It has helped me so much. I can say I'm a new and diff person. 
Also I can say I love myself again. For who I am. A father and a husband. You need to learn to love and respect who you are once again. Then the healing will begin.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tracyishere

Mark72 said:


> If you are truly happy then you are doing pretty good.
> 
> Are you truly happy, or are you trying to convince yourself you are happy?
> 
> Or is it possible that you are anxious about change?



That's the confusing part. I usually feel happy until someone points out the negatives. If I am blind I am happy. 

Maybe the issues in my marriage are not such a big deal to me until someone tells me they should be? Why should they be? If it doesn't bother me why should I care if it bothers someone else? Why should I feel the need to change something because someone else says it is wrong and to me it's not wrong?


----------



## tracyishere

Fordsvt said:


> Sorry but you don't sound happy at all. This is no way to live Tracey. Accepting an abnormal marriage is not healthy. I can say this. You can only work on yourself. Also control what you say think and do in life. You are hurting from a lot of trauma in your life. It's great to see your doing IC. It has helped me so much. I can say I'm a new and diff person.
> 
> Also I can say I love myself again. For who I am. A father and a husband. You need to learn to love and respect who you are once again. Then the healing will begin.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I have worked on myself and worked on myself and worked on myself... Now I don't even know myself!


----------



## Fordsvt

You will time. But also you need to ask yourself some hard questions. Be honest. 

Will your hermit hubby make you truly happy. 
What do you want to accomplish in life. Goals?
Can you forgive the affair
Can you be who you want and be in this relationship. 
Are you really willing to settle for whatever comes. Or will you control your destiny. 

Not sure but you talked about abuse? What was it and type?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tracyishere

Fordsvt said:


> You will time. But also you need to ask yourself some hard questions. Be honest.
> 
> 
> 
> Will your hermit hubby make you truly happy.
> 
> I am responsible for my own happiness. I cannot rely on someone else to make me happy.
> 
> 
> What do you want to accomplish in life. Goals?
> 
> I don't make goals. I just go with the flow.
> 
> 
> Can you forgive the affair
> 
> The affair has been forgiven
> 
> 
> 
> Can you be who you want and be in this relationship.
> 
> No. Who I want to be is who I was. I can never be that same person again with him or with anyone else.
> 
> 
> 
> Are you really willing to settle for whatever comes. Or will you control your destiny.
> 
> I don't understand this. Settle for what? Control what?
> 
> 
> 
> Not sure but you talked about abuse? What was it and type?
> 
> Sexual, emotional, sometimes physical.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## rush

hum..............


----------



## tracyishere

rush said:


> hum..............



Mike!


----------



## rush

tracyishere said:


> Mike!


yes?


----------



## tracyishere

rush said:


> yes?



You make me laugh


----------



## rush

atleast I have found a purpose


----------



## tracyishere

rush said:


> atleast I have found a purpose



Why? You sound all moulded out too? What's up?


----------



## rush

moulded?, I came out of my momma I was told...


----------



## tracyishere

rush said:


> moulded?, I came out of my momma I was told...



😡 you know what I meant.


----------



## rush

tracyishere said:


> &#55357;&#56865; you know what I meant.


I am ok,,,,you?:scratchhead:


----------



## tracyishere

rush said:


> I am ok,,,,you?:scratchhead:



Idk. Sometimes it's awesome and other times it's not.


----------



## rush

tracyishere said:


> Idk. Sometimes it's awesome and other times it's not.


Got that, only we can fix that you know?


----------



## tracyishere

rush said:


> Got that, only we can fix that you know?



How?


----------



## Fordsvt

You will-on your own...in time.
But you can't accept going with the flow, no goals, and settling. You have to push yourself to be better everyday.

UPDATE for me and my situation.....

Well, we went to Cancun and things went well. Things at home have been good too. We've been getting along and moving ahead. Just some points to consider:

-There has been no contact with the EA or anything like it.
-No BS on Facebook
-She seems quite happy
-We spend quality time together.
-Sex was great in Dec, Jan, Feb.
-Her gyno put her on the pill (low dosage) to control heavy flow and pain during that time of the month.
-Sex life has crashed since. I did some research and this is normal for 40% of females. Just bad timing for us. Hope it balances out..

I guess for now I will wait and see. I'm still watching from afar but I've come up with zero so I'm glad about that.
She has stated she wants a future with us over the past few months. It's gone well. I'm slowly starting to believe I guess. We will see.....


----------



## tracyishere

Why must I have a plan, a dream, a goal? Why can't I just live one day at a time and take what is given to me in stride?

I'll be a lot happier with no expectations.


----------



## rush

tracyishere said:


> How?


I have told you before, you did not like it.......


----------



## Mark72

tracyishere said:


> Why must I have a plan, a dream, a goal? Why can't I just live one day at a time and take what is given to me in stride?
> 
> I'll be a lot happier with no expectations.


Having no goals is just settling for whatever happens. It's the fear of failure. Why don't you take fear out of the equation and start with a goal that you can achieve? Like get out of bed... Goal accomplished. Now on to the next one...


----------



## tracyishere

Mark72 said:


> Having no goals is just settling for whatever happens. It's the fear of failure. Why don't you take fear out of the equation and start with a goal that you can achieve? Like get out of bed... Goal accomplished. Now on to the next one...



Ok? 

Why do I have to make a goal of everything? Why can't I just be like "ok time to get up" and get up? Lol


----------



## Mark72

tracyishere said:


> Ok?
> 
> Why do I have to make a goal of everything? Why can't I just be like "ok time to get up" and get up? Lol


THe way you were describing it... ain't living. It's existing only.


----------



## Fordsvt

Exactly...don't take just whatever comes, be proactive.
We are all telling you the same thing Tracey.


----------



## tracyishere

Can a person not be happy existing?


----------



## Mark72

tracyishere said:


> Can a person not be happy existing?


Having no goal is like having no purpose. Is that your idea of happiness?


----------



## tracyishere

Mark72 said:


> Having no goal is like having no purpose. Is that your idea of happiness?



I don't know what my purpose is. So it really doesn't matter.


----------



## Mark72

tracyishere said:


> I don't know what my purpose is. So it really doesn't matter.


I know ONE of your purposes... you had lots of pictures of her on your profile


----------



## tracyishere

Mark72 said:


> I know ONE of your purposes... you had lots of pictures of her on your profile



Really? It's not a purpose it's a duty. I'm a mom. Another hat I wear in my day.


----------



## Fordsvt

Tracey. You have rebutt everything we have suggested. Not sure how you expect to be the person you want. You seem to have some closed minded ideas and thinking. 
What do you want in life. Can you explain. ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tracyishere

Fordsvt said:


> Tracey. You have rebutt everything we have suggested. Not sure how you expect to be the person you want. You seem to have some closed minded ideas and thinking.
> 
> What do you want in life. Can you explain. ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I know. I'm a stubborn cow. Rush learnt this a long time ago  

I just want to be happy and I don't need to become someone or achieve something to do this. Happiness is a choice.


----------



## tracyishere

And I feel much better now since I've decided to accept that not all marriages are perfect. I have an abnormal marriage and that is ok as long as we can make it work and be happy about it.

Edit: you have no idea how much relief that gave to me.


----------



## tracyishere

So, I think I'm going to be ok. I'm ok that my marriage has a severely fu(ked up past. You know what? We made it! And I don't need to carry those burdens around anymore. I can move forward with the weird marriage I have and be happy. Who cares if it is not the norm, it works. We are happy. All is good.


----------



## CharlieParker

Not sure why I thought of it this morning (ok, I do, I've got my own problems but tmi for here). This being TAM and it was a problem in the past, how is the sex currently?


----------



## tracyishere

CharlieParker said:


> Not sure why I thought of it this morning (ok, I do, I've got my own problems but tmi for here). This being TAM and it was a problem in the past, how is the sex currently?



Sex is AMAZING! H is totally into it now. Wakes me up at 3:30am for a quickie on shift and Friday nights (kids are at Baba's house) are reserved for the more passionate or kinky stuff. 

We take every opportunity to be physical with one another. Even if it's just holding hands, a quick grab of the ass, kiss on the forehead or roll in the hay. 

We flirt through texting everyday. And many "I love you's" are exchanged everyday. Too many to count. 

Lots of affection. It is great!


----------



## rush

tracyishere said:


> Sex is AMAZING! H is totally into it now. Wakes me up at 3:30am for a quickie on shift and Friday nights (kids are at Baba's house) are reserved for the more passionate or kinky stuff.
> 
> We take every opportunity to be physical with one another. Even if it's just holding hands, a quick grab of the ass, kiss on the forehead or roll in the hay.
> 
> We flirt through texting everyday. And many "I love you's" are exchanged everyday. Too many to count.
> 
> Lots of affection. It is great!


Hope it stays that way!


----------



## tracyishere

rush said:


> Hope it stays that way!



It will. :whip:


----------



## rush

tracyishere said:


> It will. :whip:


lol,,,,


----------

