# the money honey.



## blonde life (May 12, 2014)

Let me first start by saying we have been married for 9 years. We have two children together under age 9. He had three coming into the marriage now, 25, 22 and 16 and one i put through rehab. My parents are very finically helpful, cars..gas money, clothes for our two children, they don't want to be any longer. 

He has now stated that when we move into a larger home, even though he is making more money, he will withdraw all finical support ( it is 800 right now a month for food and kids) that feeds a family of 6 most days, and anything extra for the children. This statement means that caring for our two children is entirely my burden, as well as feeding them. Is it horrible that I think this feels like just another reason for him to hide away money? 

I have no family here, no support system. It is rare that there are friends or families that seem to be supportive of our life after they find out he has older children, and people don't have time. I have no sitters etc. 

Please do not suggest finical peace university... 

In a marriage at what point does finical withdraw mean - emotional withdraw, how to handle this?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

blonde life said:


> Let me first start by saying we have been married for 9 years. We have two children together under age 9. He had three coming into the marriage now, 25, 22 and 16 and one i put through rehab. My parents are very finically helpful, cars..gas money, clothes for our two children..etc.
> 
> He has now stated that when we move into a larger home, even though he is making more money, he will withdraw all finical support ( it is 800 right now a month for food and kids) that feeds a family of 6 most days, and anything extra for the children.
> 
> ...


You say that your parents are financially helpful, then state that you have no support system. Seems to me that when grandparents send enough funds for gas, children's clothing and cash, they are being supportive - even from a distance. Is your husband aware of this assistance and does he appreciate the help or does he resent it?

Why would he withdraw financial support for his children with you and yourself? Does he offer a reason for this? Are you employed? And why would the fact that he has older children have bearing on friends?

Not sure how to answer your questions and help without further information.


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## blonde life (May 12, 2014)

1. Grandparents are 800 miles away. Yes they are helpful, but not willing to support at that level any longer. And understandable.

2. Blended families in the south seem to be as taboo as they come. Especially if there appears to be an age gap . There is. Even despite my best efforts I feel we don't make friendships that evolve in depth because of the drama of being blended. (( there is drama even though i do my best to keep it concealed.))

3. does that answer your queries?

He wants to withdraw food money because he thinks i should just provide it all. That i should be able to afford it on my currently fictitious job. He thinks ill be able to go back to my 70,000 career as if i HAVENT just taken the last 8 years off...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm not understanding what he'll be using the money on if he's not using it to support his family.
Does he not understand that he's married and whatever money comes into his life belongs to his wife and children? Same for if you were the one working while he stayed home.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I know the mindset all too well!

When I first married my rich, skanky XW, she would get PO'd whenever I intoned things like us not wanting to spend an inordinate amount of "her money" or not do anything to compromise the value of "her house." 

She would quickly jump on me and tell me that I should consider it as "our money," "our assets," and "our house!" I fastly acquiesced not to cause any further disharmony!

Well, it didn't even take 3 years for her to forget about that statement of hers and to start claiming "sole ownership" for "her money," "her assets," and "her house!"

Truth be told, she was probably of that very same mindset, kneeling with me up at the marriage alter! And quite undoubtedly, was the primary reason that she was so insistent in having demanded a prenup! 

In your case, I'd show your H the door and just let him worry about all of the forthcoming legal ramifications! Get yourself a good attorney!*


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

blonde life said:


> He wants to withdraw food money because he thinks i should just provide it all. That i should be able to afford it on my currently fictitious job. He thinks ill be able to go back to my 70,000 career as if i HAVENT just taken the last 8 years off...


So you are a SAHM now and he wants you to go back to work? 

Is he saying that he wants you to get a job to cover the grocery bill and he will continue to pay the rest or is he withdrawing all his money and leaving it all to you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

blonde life said:


> 1. Grandparents are 800 miles away. Yes they are helpful, but not willing to support at that level any longer. And understandable.
> 
> 2. Blended families in the south seem to be as taboo as they come. Especially if there appears to be an age gap . There is. Even despite my best efforts I feel we don't make friendships that evolve in depth because of the drama of being blended. (( there is drama even though i do my best to keep it concealed.))
> 
> ...


Why are you calling it a "fictitious job". Do you mean that he just assumes that you will go back to work at 70K? Or does this mean he thinks you have been earning money?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You said a family of 6. That means that 2 of those mouths are children from his previous marriage? How old are the 2 older step kids who are living with you?

After you answer SlowlyGoingCrazy's questions, I'll be back to respond in more depth.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

They are his children and his responsibility. He will have to support them one way or another. He can support them in his home or (in the event of a divorce) in your home. 

No one looks kindly on a person who doesn't provide food for their children. WTH?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm confused. 

You're married to a guy who's a lousy provider to you and to his kids. Instead of booting him out on his ass, you've let your parents do his job of being a provider for quite a while now, AND you stopped being a provider yourself eight years ago. Now that he's threatening to remove ALL financial support, you're still not willing to throw his greedy butt out to the curb where it belongs until he learns to take care of his family???? 

What exactly are you wanting to find here?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Seems like the courts will give you a better deal than you husband is willing to.... time to lawyer up.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

KathyBatesel said:


> I'm confused.
> 
> You're married to a guy who's a lousy provider to you and to his kids. Instead of booting him out on his ass, you've let your parents do his job of being a provider for quite a while now, AND you stopped being a provider yourself eight years ago. Now that he's threatening to remove ALL financial support, you're still not willing to throw his greedy butt out to the curb where it belongs until he learns to take care of his family????
> 
> What exactly are you wanting to find here?


Donations maybe?

:scratchhead:


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

blonde life said:


> Let me first start by saying we have been married for 9 years. We have two children together under age 9. He had three coming into the marriage now, 25, 22 and 16 and one i put through rehab. My parents are very finically helpful, cars..gas money, clothes for our two children, they don't want to be any longer.
> 
> He has now stated that when we move into a larger home, even though he is making more money, he will withdraw all finical support ( it is 800 right now a month for food and kids) that feeds a family of 6 most days, and anything extra for the children. This statement means that caring for our two children is entirely my burden, as well as feeding them. Is it horrible that I think this feels like just another reason for him to hide away money?
> 
> ...


Okay, can you provide more details?

What bills does he currently pay and what bills is he still going to pay?

Is this something where he wants you to get a job to help financially because you're moving into a larger house and he thinks he'll handle all the bills, you just need to cover food?

Or is he arbitrarily going to stop putting money into a joint account and he expects you to pay for the kids?

How did the issue of you working come out? How old are your kids together? I know under 9. 

What type of job does he expect you to get?

The way you laid this out, it's hard to understand what your situation truly is.


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

I think a lot of people are confused about your facts.

BTW, what is finical peace university?

I don't get why you are moving to a larger house if you are having trouble paying the bills.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yea, I'm curious about this larger house thing.

Whose idea is it? 

Does he agree with doing this or are you pushing the move?

I'm waiting for *loveadvice *to come back and answer some questions here so some advice can be given that is not based on a lot of assumptions.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> You're married to a guy who's a lousy provider to you and to his kids.


I don't know that this is accurate. It simply sounds to me like this is a guy who's asked his wife to return back to work because the kids are in school and he's sick of managing all the financial burden.

I don't get how any two self-respecting individuals could be mooching off their parents though...that's pretty low. I hope you haven't affected their ability to have a retirement that they deserve.

So its pretty simple...you can divorce him and you'll probably be eligible for child support and only termed alimony because you're able-bodied and able to work.

Or you can simply get off your butt and get a job and work on your marriage and re-establishing trust with your husband.

Since your husband isn't on-board with you staying home and obviously isn't ok with your unilateral decision not to work and help out...to me, its a pretty simple choice.

Frankly, if he's mad and making ultimatums because he's sick of asking you nicely to return to work...its no wonder that your relationship is in the state its in.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

blonde life said:


> Let me first start by saying we have been married for 9 years. We have two children together under age 9. He had three coming into the marriage now, 25, 22 and 16 and one i put through rehab. My parents are very finically helpful, cars..gas money, clothes for our two children, they don't want to be any longer.
> 
> He has now stated that when we move into a larger home, even though he is making more money, he will withdraw all finical support ( it is 800 right now a month for food and kids) that feeds a family of 6 most days, and anything extra for the children. This statement means that caring for our two children is entirely my burden, as well as feeding them. Is it horrible that I think this feels like just another reason for him to hide away money?
> 
> ...


Why don't you just divorce him and let the COURTS force him to provide for his own kids?

And why are you getting a bigger house if you can't even afford what you have now?


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> Why don't you just divorce him and let the COURTS force him to provide for his own kids?


I don't get this advice. It takes two people to agree that one partner gets to stay home and not work.

What if this guy is laying down ultimatums because he's tired of having the sole burden of being the only provider?

Or what if he's tired of working if maybe she's overspending or whatever?

How can anyone tell based on this person's post that its the guy's fault?

Consider that this is a woman that instead of working stooped to take money from her parents to the point that they're now sick of it....who does that? 

Frankly, if he wants her to get a job, then she should get off her butt and get a job. It sounds like the guy might simply frustrated and trying to force her off her lazy butt.

I can tell you that if I was married to a guy that was sitting around doing nothing...this is exactly the tactic I'd take...then right after he went to work, I'd divorce him. You shouldn't have to beg your partner to help out financially in a marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nikita2270 said:


> I don't get this advice. It takes two people to agree that one partner gets to stay home and not work.


Keep in mind that the OP has not provided enough information for us to actually answer her with her situation in mind.
I see turnera’s response in two lights… its’ facetious if the OP’s is being unreasonable. If on the other hand the husband is truly refusing to provide support on any level for his children.. to include his children from the previous marriage, the Op would be justified in filing in court for support for the children. Depending on the state she could also get interim spousal support while she gets back on her feet. Also keep in mind that two of the 6 mouths to feed in the house are his children from a previous marriage. The OP has zero responsibility to financially support his children.

We also do not know what, if any bills the husband is planning on paying. We don’t now if he’s told his wife that she has to compeletely support him, herself, their children and his children. Or if he’s talking about splitting the bills.


Nikita2270 said:


> What if this guy is laying down ultimatums because he's tired of having the sole burden of being the only provider?


We do not know the situation as thus have asked her questions which she has yet to respond to.

Up to now he has not been the sole provider according to her. Her parents have been providing a sizable percentage of their financial support. It does sound like now that her parents have turned off the faucet, he expects her to go back to work.

She has a very valid point. She has been out of work for 9 years. She used to earn about $70K annually. 

With a 9 year break, she will most likely not be able to walk into a job at that level. Depending on her career field, she needs time to get back into the workforce. She might even need retraining. This is also a difficult job market it might take her a while to find a job.



Nikita2270 said:


> Or what if he's tired of working if maybe she's overspending or whatever?


So what if he’s tired of working. He has to support his children. He also has to support himself.

Why not ask the OP if part of the issue is overspending?


Nikita2270 said:


> How can anyone tell based on this person's post that its the guy's fault?


That’s why some of us have only asked questions.


Nikita2270 said:


> Consider that this is a woman that instead of working stooped to take money from her parents to the point that they're now sick of it....who does that?


Her husband took the money as well. It’s not just her. A better man would have told his wife that no way in hell was any money from her parents coming into their household.


Nikita2270 said:


> Frankly, if he wants her to get a job, then she should get off her butt and get a job. It sounds like the guy might simply frustrated and trying to force her off her lazy butt.


This might be the case. But it seems that the OP has abandoned this thread.


Nikita2270 said:


> I can tell you that if I was married to a guy that was sitting around doing nothing...this is exactly the tactic I'd take...then right after he went to work, I'd divorce him. You shouldn't have to beg your partner to help out financially in a marriage.


If the case is that he wants her to go back to work, that’s fine. But there has to be some understanding that she will have difficulty getting back into the work force. Nine years of no job can make a person unemployable. Sometimes a person has to go back to school and/or get retrained in order to make anything above minimum wage. It can be very scary to get back out there after being a SAHM for about a decade.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

blonde life said:


> We have two children together under age 9. He had three coming into the marriage now, 25, 22 and 16 and one i put through rehab.


This sentence is confusing.

You have two children together.

He has 3 children: 25, 22 and 16

Who is the one you put through rehab? Is this your child? If so how old?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Financial peace university is a Dave Ramsey course on budgeting. 
Financial Peace University - daveramsey.com

If she's saying that she doesn't want that advice, chances are she's heard it before. Makes me think there are budgeting issues to begin with.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> That’s why some of us have only asked questions.


No...some posters have suggested the guy is financially abusive and she should divorce him.



> So what if he’s tired of working. He has to support his children. He also has to support himself.


And she has to support her children too. Clearly the guy has a job...she doesn't and he's asking her to get a job. So who's not meeting their responsibilities?



> Her husband took the money as well. It’s not just her. A better man would have told his wife that no way in hell was any money from her parents coming into their household.


Its presumptuous to assume he even knew about the money. Maybe he didn't...its her parents. And to me, she had a greater responsibility since it was HER parents. What kind of grown woman mooches off her own older parents? Again, he's earning a living...she isn't.



> She has a very valid point. She has been out of work for 9 years. She used to earn about $70K annually.


Maybe he's been asking her to get a job for some time...hence its risen to the level that he's now making desperate ultimatums because he's fed up. Just because she won't earn 70k doesn't mean that she can't earn anything. Not making 70k is zero excuse to sit around and do nothing if your husband is begging you to go back to work and help out.

I just don't understand the automatic response to jump down the guy's throat when he's the one with a job....makes no sense. Its total gender bias too...because if this was a guy with the same story...every poster here would be telling the guy to get off his butt get a job to help his wife out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nikita2270 said:


> No...some posters have suggested the guy is financially abusive and she should divorce him.


Only three out of 14 posters have suggested that the guy is financially abusive and she should divorce him.

6 - just ask questions
........Survivor wife, SlowlyGoingCrazy, EleGirl, Dad&Hubby, Loveadvice, intheory
1 - asks questions but leans towards something might be wrong with husband’s point of view
........scarletBegonias 
3 – negative towards husband
........Arbitrator, Blondilocks, Hicks
2 - Negative towards both – OP & husband 
........Kath Batesel, DoF, Tundra
1 – completely negative towards OP (blonde life)
........Nikita2270




Nikita2270 said:


> And she has to support her children too. Clearly the guy has a job...she doesn't and he's asking her to get a job. So who's not meeting their responsibilities?


It does sound like he’s asking her to get a job. But we do not know exactly what he is proposing here. She threw out a bit of info but not enough.



Nikita2270 said:


> I just don't understand the automatic response to jump down the guy's throat when he's the one with a job....makes no sense. Its total gender bias too...because if this was a guy with the same story...every poster here would be telling the guy to get off his butt get a job to help his wife out.


Out of 14 posters, 3 made the assumption that only the husband is at fault. Your perception of the responses on this thread are way off.

I don’t think that the OP is returning. So we won’t be getting any more info so we don’t know. I’m not going to jump to conclusions one way or the other.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Nikita2270 said:


> I don't get this advice. It takes two people to agree that one partner gets to stay home and not work.
> 
> What if this guy is laying down ultimatums because he's tired of having the sole burden of being the only provider?


It's possible. We don't have enough details. And she's not going to follow my advice anyway; I was just showing that there are things one can do when faced with such ridiculous claims as 'you're on your own.'

And if he is tired of being the only provider, there are much better ways of dealing with it than just cutting off funding to your FAMILY.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> [*]2 - Negative towards both – OP & husband
> [*]........Kath Batesel, DoF, Tundra


:rofl:

I've been called all kinds of things, that one's the best! I like it!

Seriously, though, I AM negative toward both. Coming from a couple $100,000 in debt (and yes, we went through FPU and went to CCC, and DH refused to cut up his credit cards), if they're being supported by her parents just to pay bills, they have no business moving into a bigger house; if anything, they should be finding a smaller one and living like families USED to live like, before every member of the family had a phone and a computer and a tablet and 5 pairs of shoes.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Nikita2270 said:


> I don't get this advice. It takes two people to agree that one partner gets to stay home and not work.
> 
> What if this guy is laying down ultimatums because he's tired of having the sole burden of being the only provider?
> 
> ...


Nikita,

I think you are looking at the OP's post through your own lense. I've seen your posts before so I'm aware that you are very pro-working woman because you feel it is important for people to pull their own weight and be independent. Nothing wrong with that, but this advice and viewpoint would only be applicable to the OP nine years ago before she decided to become a SAHM. The other posters in this thread are trying to help her from where she is today.

We don't know a lot but we do know enough that we shouldn't be placing all the blame on her. What kind of man decides he is going to stop supporting his kids financially? What kind of man has no shame in taking money from his wife's parents? It sounds as if they both are having a hard time adjusting to the loss of their safety net, and they are both equally responsible.

Also, we don't know that she is lazy. The odds of her hopping back into a 70k a year job after nine years off are pretty slim.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> :rofl:
> 
> I've been called all kinds of things, that one's the best! I like it!
> 
> Seriously, though, I AM negative toward both. Coming from a couple $100,000 in debt (and yes, we went through FPU and went to CCC, and DH refused to cut up his credit cards), if they're being supported by her parents just to pay bills, they have no business moving into a bigger house; if anything, they should be finding a smaller one and living like families USED to live like, before every member of the family had a phone and a computer and a tablet and 5 pairs of shoes.


Sorry about that... I always hear Tundra in my head when I see your name on a post. Don't know why I do this.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP

a) Get a job and get some kind of career going. You are gonna have to do this regardless if your marriage survives or not. 

Right now, it seems you are financially negligent! Unless you are stay at home mother and have kids all day and tons of house work to do/cooking etc.........you are neglecting your end of the deal, and that is, pay half of family living expenses!!!

b) I can send you 1 million links and 20 books, but I can just save you whole bunch of time.

Finance 101

DO NOT spend more than you make (on monthly basis). 

Start tracking ALL expenses and also planning for next month. You 2 have to get good at it and work together. 

Bigger house......my ass. Sounds like you shouldn't even have a house to me!!! You can't afford it!

Your parents are also enabling you to not clean your own mess up. It's a shame. But it's also YOUR responsibility as an adult to cut that off and become responsible yourself. They are only stopping you from what you have to do (by helping).


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Just to add to this mess.

OP's name and thread topic REEK of self entitlement.....


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

DoF said:


> Just to add to this mess.
> 
> OP's name and thread topic REEK of self entitlement.....


Honestly I didn't even think of that, but....you've got a point.


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