# Is my new wife abusive?



## BimmerMan (Apr 20, 2016)

We have only been married a year and yet I'm all ready feeling as if I'm checking out. We both have kids from previous marriages. She has made it clear that her and her sons feeling always come before me and my kids. She hates my kids mom(they have gotten into verbal altercations) and basically doesn't want me communicating with her pretty much. We have fought a lot about that. She thinks I role over to her when I'm just trying to find out about my kids and see them. She has called me names such as a "f'n p***y" and a "little b****" while arguing about it. I'm at the point where I almost feel like I have to hide comunication with my ex to find out things with my kids. 

I'm constantly on eggshells about what she is going to get mad about next. Recently my kids went to Disneyland with there mom and she is all upset and resentful that her son doesn't get to go, so now I have to pay for a trip for us to go to Disneyland next year and she said she doesn't want my kids to come. She doesn't want to ruin the experience for her son. I always have to remind her that if I was to say these things to her she would be upset and probably leave me. She almost always apologizes after she gets mean. She says she's sorry and won't get mean again, that she has a hard time controlling herself. The last one was she got stuck in traffic picking my kids up from school, which she only does once a week. She told me she is never picking them up again. I had to remind her I take her son to school every morning and make him breakfast and lunch. She then apologized again. I don't get my kids as much as she gets her son. On two occasions she has made me feel bad for taking my kids when her son was with his dad because we need more "alone time". Which hurts because she knows how much I miss my kids. 

She has also already threatened to leave three times. Every time the next day she apologizes and says she can't live without me. 

She is a good wife in other ways. When my kids ARE here she does a lot for them. She cooks, cleans does laundry. Of course I help when I can. 

I'm just really torn and can't handle this up and down, and hate to say I'm having regrets. I have tried to talk to her and she says I need to stop living in the past and get over the things she says, and that I'm going to ruin our relationship.
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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You both came into the marriage with children. 

If you can't blend, then imo, you have no relationship to speak of. 

Did you really have no indication she was like this before you married? 

I think you should move on. I would never stay with a man who "hated" my kids. He can go find someone else to be with.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

So she takes her son over you but you have to take her and her son over your children. Sounds like a really fair deal....

Reality is that most people in situations like you naturally take their children over their new partner and if what's left is not enough for a relationship, move on. She seems to be too jealous of your children, the time and the money you spend on them.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

BimmerMan said:


> We have only been married a year and yet I'm all ready feeling as if I'm checking out. We both have kids from previous marriages. She has made it clear that her and her sons feeling always come before me and my kids. She hates my kids mom(they have gotten into verbal altercations) and basically doesn't want me communicating with her pretty much. We have fought a lot about that. She thinks I role over to her when I'm just trying to find out about my kids and see them. She has called me names such as a "f'n p***y" and a "little b****" while arguing about it. I'm at the point where I almost feel like I have to hide comunication with my ex to find out things with my kids.
> 
> I'm constantly on eggshells about what she is going to get mad about next. Recently my kids went to Disneyland with there mom and she is all upset and resentful that her son doesn't get to go, so now I have to pay for a trip for us to go to Disneyland next year and she said she doesn't want my kids to come. She doesn't want to ruin the experience for her son. I always have to remind her that if I was to say these things to her she would be upset and probably leave me. She almost always apologizes after she gets mean. She says she's sorry and won't get mean again, that she has a hard time controlling herself. The last one was she got stuck in traffic picking my kids up from school, which she only does once a week. She told me she is never picking them up again. I had to remind her I take her son to school every morning and make him breakfast and lunch. She then apologized again. I don't get my kids as much as she gets her son. On two occasions she has made me feel bad for taking my kids when her son was with his dad because we need more "alone time". Which hurts because she knows how much I miss my kids.
> 
> ...


Classic verbal abuse. You two need to get to a marriage and family counselor-ASAFP. She is angry because there is someone who is getting some of your attention, your kids. She feels that she is not getting all of your attention and focus and she thinks she should. You are supposed to leave your past in the past-even to the point of abandoning your children in favor of hers. That is her twisted thinking. What happened so that she doesn't have custody, anyway? Anger issues maybe? That may be the root of the problem; she doesn't have custody and takes out her anger on you.

She says you need to get over the things she says-seriously? I remember talking with two kids fighting and one apologized but the other said "you do this all the time. Your sorry is no good anymore." Tell her something to that effect. If she was really sorry she would work hard to not commit the offensive behavior again. She would slip and stumble but she would try like hell. I wonder if counseling would even help, come to think of it-if she is willing to use the nuclear option so soon there wasn't much there to begin with. She makes me think of Lady Tremaine from Cinderella (she was a good wife, too!)...


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Tell me something if you re-read your post and you looked at it purely logical, but instead look at the situation as two companies merging with employees instead of children.....would you continue with this partnership.....your first responsibilities are to your children not hers...she is not only abusive but selfish as well, and one hell of a pain in the ass...you are a father first, don't ever forget that and shame on you for thinking about your pecker first.....get that through your head, the other one


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

This sounds awful. You MUST put your children first. Believe me, your kids can sense her hatred and hostility towards them, and it's completely unfair for you to subject them to her toxicity (not to mention you are her whipping post too). Your kids didn't ask for this and they certainly don't deserve this.

Fix this now for your kids. File for divorce.
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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Next time she threatens to leave, offer to help her pack.


You *have* to pay for a trip to Disney. Really. Have to? 

In all seriousness, draw a line in the sand. Tell her the next time she verbally abuses you, the relationship is over.

And mean it.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

If she can't get along with the other people involved in your life then you shouldn't be with her. She's acting like a child. She can't expect you to neglect your kids so you pay more attention to her's.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

There are similarities to my situation. It may be narcissism. My wife often complains about how she hates my ex (which is fine, but gets annoying over and over). Of course, my ex is really just a part time mom and is a travel agent and travels all over the place. She brings my boys and my wife gets jealous for her daughter (so, we have to do stuff specifically with her). That isn't a problem, but it gets tiresome and really over the top.

If your wife threatens to leave you though, then eff her and gtfo. Seriously, anyone who ever uses you losing them as a threat has a sense that they are more important to you than you are to them. It's over inflated and really narcissistic.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

She's abusive. 

It stops or she leaves. Period. 

Zero tolerance. 

Get in therapy.
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## BimmerMan (Apr 20, 2016)

She says she loves my children. Although some of the things she says makes me think otherwise. Like I said she treats them well while they are there, and cooks for them, buys clothes ETC. she has admitted to having resentment towards them and me for the money I have to pay in child support. She feels like her sons being screwed over because we can't afford as much for him. Which is not really the case because we make good money together. I have honestly just come to realize that she is very immature.

It's just hard because she's so nice Other then the times when she's verbally abusive. I need to stop giving into her worrying she might leave.

I'm going to tell her next time she's verbally abusive or threatens to leave We are done.
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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

It really bothers me that she is treating your kids like that. Even though she is doing things for them, the fact that she doesn't want to include your kids into events or gets jealous that their mom takes them places that her son doesn't get to go...she just sounds really controlling and insecure. She needs to understand the fact too that if she has to stay in contact with her ex when in comes to her son that you also need to contact your ex when it comes to your kids. I would say she is emotionally abusive. If she threatens to leave you then tell her, "bye have a nice time!" and then do the 180.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Merging two families into one is very hard. I have been a stepmom for 24 years. Why does your wife hate your ex? Why have they had altercations? My husband's ex was not a very nice person and said some terrible things to her sons about me and their dad. If this is what is going on I can understand your wife's upset. If she feels you are not there to back her then it makes situations worse. I don't know your situation, just saying. 

My idea of being part of a blended family was that we'd all get along for the benefit of the children. I told my kids they had 2 moms and 2 dads. I wanted the same for my steps but bio mom was possessive and did not want her sons to have anything to do with me which presented great hardship and hard feelings.

There seems to be a jealousy there possibly with her wanting you to take her kids to Disneyland since your children got to go, or is she trying to make it fair since the kids spend time together and she doesn't want her kids left out?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

BimmerMan said:


> We have only been married a year and yet I'm all ready feeling as if I'm checking out. We both have kids from previous marriages. She has made it clear that her and her sons feeling always come before me and my kids. She hates my kids mom(they have gotten into verbal altercations) and basically doesn't want me communicating with her pretty much. We have fought a lot about that. She thinks I role over to her when I'm just trying to find out about my kids and see them. She has called me names such as a "f'n p***y" and a "little b****" while arguing about it. I'm at the point where I almost feel like I have to hide comunication with my ex to find out things with my kids.


When you do that, you justify her position. Her position is justified when you reciprocate with any negativity or by showing her that she was right.


> I'm constantly on eggshells about what she is going to get mad about next. Recently my kids went to Disneyland with there mom and she is all upset and resentful that her son doesn't get to go, so now I have to pay for a trip for us to go to Disneyland next year and she said she doesn't want my kids to come. She doesn't want to ruin the experience for her son. I always have to remind her that if I was to say these things to her she would be upset and probably leave me.


You don't have to remind her of that and should not. Again, that just justifies her position. We aren't talking about right and wrong here. We are talking about how she views the world.


> She almost always apologizes after she gets mean. She says she's sorry and won't get mean again, that she has a hard time controlling herself. The last one was she got stuck in traffic picking my kids up from school, which she only does once a week. She told me she is never picking them up again.


The apology is nice, but it can sometimes be done in a way that tries to get her out of hot water. In that case, it isn't an apology, but meant to divert blame.


> I had to remind her I take her son to school every morning and make him breakfast and lunch. She then apologized again. I don't get my kids as much as she gets her son. On two occasions she has made me feel bad for taking my kids when her son was with his dad because we need more "alone time". Which hurts because she knows how much I miss my kids.


You are being manipulated and controlled by the use of emotion. You have a choice, but to enact that choice, you have to not accept her emotional poison.


> She has also already threatened to leave three times. Every time the next day she apologizes and says she can't live without me.


She is the victim. Seriously. She acts out of that feeling. If you understand her emotional pain (with empathy) you can start to not take this personally. I am very experienced (personally) with this type of behavior, so I am well aware of what works and what doesn't. Again, your reaction is tremendously important here. Right or wrong, her bad behavior is being fed.

She is a good wife in other ways. When my kids ARE here she does a lot for them. She cooks, cleans does laundry. Of course I help when I can. 



> I'm just really torn and can't handle this up and down, and hate to say I'm having regrets. I have tried to talk to her and she says I need to stop living in the past and get over the things she says, and that I'm going to ruin our relationship.


She says that because...... she's the victim. To deal with the pain you feel would cause her pain. She takes the easy way out by telling you to move on. It is a tool, and it has worked, thus far. In this case, you have to be a little forceful in the matter. You insist that you need to speak, but give her the ability to agree to the time and place. It might take a few days, but you do deserve to be able to speak your mind.

I urge you to stay the course, but to do so by considering alternate methods of conflict resolution. If you use negativity, it will very likely not work. You can disempower her in rapid fashion, and we do so by stepping OFF of the battlefield.

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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It sounds like she didn't owe her ex anything? Or much? You came from opposite sides of the coin it sounds like. If that's the case, she can't expect you'll have no child support to pay. Of course you will. 

Sounds more like she wanted a complete reset for you, and you'd focus your energy on her son. That's not how it works. It would also make you a pretty bad father. I think that if she really wanted complete focus on her son, she should have married a man with no children.


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## BimmerMan (Apr 20, 2016)

Yes, she often plays the victim role. She has even stated she's a victim of all the circumstances. She puts her son and a victim role as well. I understand not to meet negativity with more negativity. How do I respond when she gets aggressive/abusive. Or when she says she's done with the relationship. Every time we get into a somewhat heated argument she gets really drastic with her words. When I say heated argument that mostly means her and I'm the one that tries to stay civil and explain myself she just doesn't want to listen, and says I'm making it all about me. It's to the point where I feel like I can't talk to her, she just plays the victim. The other day I was feeling down because I missed my kids. She said, I understand you're feeling down, but you're going to affect my life and my sons by acting like this , and that is not fair to her or her son. I just didn't respond ..
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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Next time she threatens to leave, offer to help her pack.
> 
> 
> You *have* to pay for a trip to Disney. Really. Have to?
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

BimmerMan said:


> She has called me names such as a "f'n p***y" and a "little b****" while arguing about it.


Well prove to her you're not a p***y or a b****.

DIVORCE HER. Like yesterday dude. She's a disgusting person.

It's will NOT get better. I had a gf like this. They just get meaner.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Satya said:


> It sounds like she didn't owe her ex anything? Or much? You came from opposite sides of the coin it sounds like. If that's the case, she can't expect you'll have no child support to pay. Of course you will.
> 
> Sounds more like she wanted a complete reset for you, and you'd focus your energy on her son. That's not how it works. It would also make you a pretty bad father. I think that if she really wanted complete focus on her son, she should have married a man with no children.


I agree with this. She knew what she was getting into when she married you. If she didn't want her son to share your attention with your biological kids then she shouldn't have committed to marrying you.


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## BimmerMan (Apr 20, 2016)

Now she is saying since she hates my ex so much she is not going to go to any of my sons baseball games since she will be there. It will give her to much anxiety apparently. 

Mind you I went to everyone of her sons games. As she expected of me.
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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

So last October 31st did your wife disappear that evening?


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Sounds like she has uncontrolled anxiety which drives her to say and do things on impulse that she later regrets.

There's meds for that.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

So have you finally woken up and smelled the coffee?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

BimmerMan said:


> She says she loves my children. Although some of the things she says makes me think otherwise. Like I said she treats them well while they are there, and cooks for them, buys clothes ETC. she has admitted to having resentment towards them and me for the money I have to pay in child support. She feels like her sons being screwed over because we can't afford as much for him. Which is not really the case because we make good money together. I have honestly just come to realize that *she is very immature*.
> 
> It's just hard because she's so nice Other then the times when she's verbally abusive. I need to stop giving into her worrying she might leave.
> 
> ...


Any other description of your wife is extraneous. The bold above is all inclusive. You must deal with her as you would any child and allowing her her way is exactly opposite of what you must do. I am curious as to how you married such an individual but that is moot now. Her rants are uncontrolled and her threats are hollow, as with any child throwing a tantrum.

She is incapable of true sorrow for her actions since she does not possess the maturity to fully understand their impact on you. You have a very difficult decision to make but her changing into a mature woman any time soon is nigh unto impossible.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

BimmerMan said:


> Yes, she often plays the victim role. She has even stated she's a victim of all the circumstances.


The Victim is a character. It is a choice.


> She puts her son and a victim role as well. I understand not to meet negativity with more negativity. How do I respond when she gets aggressive/abusive.


1. Stop taking it personally. Difficult? Yes. Powerful? Hell yes.
2. Listen to her with curiosity.
3. Ask her why she feels that way.
4. Then keep on with exactly what you were doing.

You wanted to disarm her? That's the most powerful way. So you might think she doesn't "deserve" this treatment. I guarantee her behavior will persist otherwise. It only takes persistence and acting in accordance with the advice. 



> Or when she says she's done with the relationship. Every time we get into a somewhat heated argument she gets really drastic with her words.


Stop taking her seriously. Do it for you.

"So you say you want to end the relationship? I understand."

That places it entirely on her shoulders. Whereas your typical response would have her offload it onto you. It works.


> When I say heated argument that mostly means her and I'm the one that tries to stay civil and explain myself she just doesn't want to listen, and says I'm making it all about me.


Logic and reason in an argument? Never works.



> It's to the point where I feel like I can't talk to her, she just plays the victim.


Why can't she? Seriously. Acceptance will disarm her. Let her and you will put the responsibility on her shoulders.



> The other day I was feeling down because I missed my kids. She said, I understand you're feeling down, but you're going to affect my life and my sons by acting like this , and that is not fair to her or her son. I just didn't respond ..


Right...... she takes about everything personally. She pulls you into the battlefield when she says that, and you participate exactly when she needs you to. Then, she is left without feeling uncomfortable.

Again, just use the same response to her and she will be forced to deal with it. It takes a lot of understanding to follow-through, but it is simple.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Bimmer, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, irrational anger, immaturity, controlling behavior, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

I caution that BPD is not something a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder because every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.



BimmerMan said:


> I'm constantly on eggshells about what she is going to get mad about next.


If she exhibits strong BPD traits, this is to be expected because you never know what minor comment or action will trigger one of her two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. The result is that, in BPDer relationships, the nonBPDer spouse will feel like he is "constantly on eggshells," as you say. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book is titled _Stop Walking on Eggshells.
_


> Every time [she threatens to leave] the next day she apologizes and says she can't live without me.


Because BPDers have such a weak self identity, they absolutely HATE to live by themselves. They need someone with a strong personality to provide the missing self identity and sense of direction. Yet, when you provide EXACTLY THAT, a BPDer will resent you because she will have a strong feeling of engulfment -- a feeling that you are somehow suffocating and controlling her. The result is that a BPDer typically will berate her partner for controlling her but will be too afraid to leave him -- unless she eventually decides he is about to leave her. This is why the #2 best-selling BPD book is titled _I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!

_


> She says she's sorry and won't get mean again, that she has a hard time controlling herself.


BPDers (i.e., those having strong traits) have great difficulty in regulating their own emotions. Indeed, a large share of the psychiatric community has lobbied for two decades to change the disorder's name to "Emotional Regulation Disorder." Because a BPDer's emotional likely was frozen at the level of a four year old, she lacks the emotional skills that the rest of us learned in early childhood. Specifically, a BPDer never learned basic skills such as how to do self soothing, how to avoid black-white thinking (i.e., "splitting"), how to trust others, and how to intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as self-evident "facts."



> She is very immature.


If she exhibits strong and persistent BPD traits, she likely is far more immature than you suspect. As I noted above, a BPDer's emotional development is frozen at about four years of age, leaving her fully dependent on the coping skills (ego defenses) available to young children.



> Yes, she often plays the victim role. She has even stated she's a victim of all the circumstances.


BPDers have a very weak sense of self identity. To the extent they have any persistent identity at all, it is one of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." Because they need frequent "validation" of that false self image, BPDers project their fears and bad thoughts onto their partners, making them "The Perpetrator." In this way, a BPDer typically blames every misfortune and unhappiness on her spouse.



> She has also already threatened to leave three times.


This behavior is a big red flag when it has occurred only a year into the marriage. I say this because BPDer relationships are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.



> She is a good wife in other ways.


The vast majority of BPDers are good people who, for the most part, are loving and caring much of the time. Their problem is not being "bad" but, rather, being "unstable." This is why a BPDer can be loving all day long and then -- in just ten seconds -- flip to being very mean when some minor comment triggers one of her two great fears. And, because BPDers generally exhibit a child-like intensity and emotional purity of expression, they can be very easy to fall in love with. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both exhibited full-blown BPD, if their biographers are correct.



> How do I respond when she gets aggressive/abusive? Or when she says she's done with the relationship?


Bimmer, I suggest you start by seeing a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your young son are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD warning signs to see if they seem to apply.

An easy place to start reading is my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Only a professional can do that. The main reason for learning these red flags, then -- like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack -- is to help you avoid a potentially painful situation, e.g., staying in a marriage that may be toxic to both of you. And it may help you decide whether there is sufficient reason to spend money and time seeking a professional opinion. Take care, Bimmer.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

BimmerMan said:


> We have only been married a year and yet I'm all ready feeling as if I'm checking out. We both have kids from previous marriages. She has made it clear that her and her sons feeling always come before me and my kids.


First problem. Yes, her son's feelings should come first to her, just as your children come first to you, but it needs to be equally understood.



BimmerMan said:


> She hates my kids mom(they have gotten into verbal altercations) and basically doesn't want me communicating with her pretty much. We have fought a lot about that. She thinks I role over to her when I'm just trying to find out about my kids and see them. She has called me names such as a "f'n p***y" and a "little b****" while arguing about it. I'm at the point where I almost feel like I have to hide comunication with my ex to find out things with my kids.


More big problems here! You need to talk to your ex to coparent your children. Do not hide it. Your wife needs to adjust herself, not you adjusting yourself.

And as for your wife insulting you, that's verbal abuse and disrespect and you better call her out on it. That would be grounds for divorce right there all by itself if she doesn't stop. Forget everything else!

However, maybe your wife has a point buried under all the abuse. Do you feel like you have to suck up to your ex to get anything with your kids? Or do you treat each other fairly? How old are your kids? You could be able to ask them stuff directly, not have to go through your ex.



BimmerMan said:


> I'm constantly on eggshells about what she is going to get mad about next.


That's no way to live in a decent marriage. 



BimmerMan said:


> Recently my kids went to Disneyland with there mom and she is all upset and resentful that her son doesn't get to go, so now I have to pay for a trip for us to go to Disneyland next year and she said she doesn't want my kids to come. She doesn't want to ruin the experience for her son.


What kind of dad would you be if you went to Disney without your own children?? However, if you can't afford it, that's just how it is. Just because your ex took your kids to Disney herself, your wife is not entitled to take her own kid on your dime. Is she prepared to pay for it herself?



BimmerMan said:


> I always have to remind her that if I was to say these things to her she would be upset and probably leave me. She almost always apologizes after she gets mean. She says she's sorry and won't get mean again, that she has a hard time controlling herself.


This woman needs to learn some anger management skills. But if she keeps being mean after apologizing for being mean, that just shows she's not actually sorry. Actions speak louder than words.



BimmerMan said:


> The last one was she got stuck in traffic picking my kids up from school, which she only does once a week. She told me she is never picking them up again. I had to remind her I take her son to school every morning and make him breakfast and lunch. She then apologized again. I don't get my kids as much as she gets her son.


These two things are not necessarily connected. Marriage isn't always a perfect tit for tat and keeping score of helpfulness. You are both different people. You do stuff for her son every day because you are a kind and generous person. She ...... is not.



BimmerMan said:


> On two occasions she has made me feel bad for taking my kids when her son was with his dad because we need more "alone time". Which hurts because she knows how much I miss my kids.


This woman sounds extremely selfish. A good partner would be supportive of you having more time with your children.



BimmerMan said:


> She has also already threatened to leave three times. Every time the next day she apologizes and says she can't live without me.


Manipulation tactic. She knows it works to shut down arguments. Same with the fake apologies. She does this because it works, and when it works, she doesn't have to change her behaviour. You have to make it stop working for her.



BimmerMan said:


> She is a good wife in other ways. When my kids ARE here she does a lot for them. She cooks, cleans does laundry. Of course I help when I can.


Um, that's not a sign of a good wife. A good wife is a supportive partner to her husband, good times and bad. A good wife does not insult him and try to excise his children from his life.

And what's with 'helping when you can?' Did you hire her to be a nanny for your children or something? You should be doing the work for your children and she should be helping you if she can.



BimmerMan said:


> I'm just really torn and can't handle this up and down, and hate to say I'm having regrets. I have tried to talk to her and she says I need to stop living in the past and get over the things she says, and that I'm going to ruin our relationship.


More manipulation tactics. Plus, if she makes you believe that, then she doesn't have to believe otherwise herself if (when!) the marriage fails.



BimmerMan said:


> She says she loves my children. Although some of the things she says makes me think otherwise. Like I said she treats them well while they are there, and cooks for them, buys clothes ETC. she has admitted to having resentment towards them and me for the money I have to pay in child support. She feels like her sons being screwed over because we can't afford as much for him. Which is not really the case because we make good money together.


You pay to support your children. She should pay for her own child. Unless you have an out of date or unfair child support agreement, there's no problem there. The problem is in her expecting you to pay for HER child.



BimmerMan said:


> I have honestly just come to realize that she is very immature.


Immaturity at her age is not going to change. Not without her hitting some kind of rock bottom and seeking serious counselling.



BimmerMan said:


> It's just hard because she's so nice Other then the times when she's verbally abusive. I need to stop giving into her worrying she might leave.


Classic cycle of abuse. Wham bam, then just enough "oh, I'm so sorry, I'll never do it again! Look how sweet I can be!" to keep you suckered in. Every time she threatens to leave, you back down, make promises, right?

If she wanted to leave, she'd be gone already. Nothing to worry about there. What you should really worry about is why YOU aren't gone.



BimmerMan said:


> I'm going to tell her next time she's verbally abusive or threatens to leave We are done.


This only works if you actually mean it and are willing to follow through. Do some research on domestic abuse, make your preparations, and build yourself a backbone before you trigger this.



BimmerMan said:


> Yes, she often plays the victim role. She has even stated she's a victim of all the circumstances. She puts her son and a victim role as well. I understand not to meet negativity with more negativity. How do I respond when she gets aggressive/abusive. Or when she says she's done with the relationship. Every time we get into a somewhat heated argument she gets really drastic with her words. When I say heated argument that mostly means her and I'm the one that tries to stay civil and explain myself she just doesn't want to listen, and says I'm making it all about me. It's to the point where I feel like I can't talk to her, she just plays the victim. The other day I was feeling down because I missed my kids. She said, I understand you're feeling down, but you're going to affect my life and my sons by acting like this , and that is not fair to her or her son. I just didn't respond ..


You can't end her emotional rages by being cool and logical. It would just infuriate her more. Walk away. If you say anything, just say that this seems like a discussion to have later when she's cooled off.

It really sounds like she thinks the world should revolve around her and her son. Without any understanding that your world revolves around your own children, not hers.



BimmerMan said:


> Now she is saying since she hates my ex so much she is not going to go to any of my sons baseball games since she will be there. It will give her to much anxiety apparently.
> 
> Mind you I went to everyone of her sons games. As she expected of me.


She has every right not to go to your child's games if seeing your ex is stressful for her.

You have every right to continue to attend her child's games if you want to.

Again, these two things are not necessarily connected. You are both different people. You are kind and generous and trying to be a good step-parent. She ....... is not.

You are certainly not describing a woman I'd want to be married to. Was she like this before marriage? Did you think she would change? Did she think you would change?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

BimmerMan said:


> We have only been married a year and yet I'm all ready feeling as if I'm checking out. We both have kids from previous marriages. She has made it clear that her and her sons feeling always come before me and my kids. She hates my kids mom(they have gotten into verbal altercations) and basically doesn't want me communicating with her pretty much. We have fought a lot about that. She thinks I role over to her when I'm just trying to find out about my kids and see them. She has called me names such as a "f'n p***y" and a "little b****" while arguing about it. I'm at the point where I almost feel like I have to hide comunication with my ex to find out things with my kids.
> 
> I'm constantly on eggshells about what she is going to get mad about next. Recently my kids went to Disneyland with there mom and she is all upset and resentful that her son doesn't get to go, so now I have to pay for a trip for us to go to Disneyland next year and she said she doesn't want my kids to come. She doesn't want to ruin the experience for her son. I always have to remind her that if I was to say these things to her she would be upset and probably leave me. She almost always apologizes after she gets mean. She says she's sorry and won't get mean again, that she has a hard time controlling herself. The last one was she got stuck in traffic picking my kids up from school, which she only does once a week. She told me she is never picking them up again. I had to remind her I take her son to school every morning and make him breakfast and lunch. She then apologized again. I don't get my kids as much as she gets her son. On two occasions she has made me feel bad for taking my kids when her son was with his dad because we need more "alone time". Which hurts because she knows how much I miss my kids.
> 
> ...


Your wife sounds jealous and insecure and her behavior - verbally abusing you - is NOT an acceptable solution.

But I urge you to look deeper at the dynamic. There is a reason blending families is SO difficult. 

I disagree with the people on here who say the kids come first. YES, they come first in that you can't let her abuse them or exclude them, yes of course. But in the relationship the SPOUSE is supposed to come first. Your wife is acutely aware that she does NOT come first. As long as she feels this way she is going to be jealous of your children and your ex, no matter how much she loves your children and you.

When you talk to their mother do you shoot the breeze and act friendly or do you just take care of business and exchange the necessary information? I was a step mother in my first marriage and their mom was a flipping psycho and would say all kinds of horrible things about me - that she was going to come kick my ass - that I took their dad from her (they were divorced when I met him) on and on. He would TELL ME he couldn't stand her, but he let her do this stuff and then would be friendly, shooting the breeze with her, joking around, loaning her money, helping her out, etc. His reason? "Well my kids come first and I have to have a good relationship with their mother."

Like hell.

Anyhow, enough about me. But YES your wife is being abusive and treating you in an unacceptable way, but there is probably a dynamic where you're making independent decisions about your ex and children that affect her without her input and there is probably a REASON she feels CRAZED with jealousy. She is in pain.

Here is some fantastic reading material on the subject. Please read it - it may change your life (for the better). 

Good luck to you both: Blended Families #1


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> Your wife sounds jealous and insecure and her behavior - verbally abusing you - is NOT an acceptable solution.
> 
> But I urge you to look deeper at the dynamic. There is a reason blending families is SO difficult.
> 
> ...


Solid advise. I too am a stepmom and have been thru pure H*** and husband just makes excuses. His ex did not want "her" boys to love anyone but her and boy she made sure they had no tie to me. So OP, you might be seeing something but you might not understand what you are seeing and why. 

I believe I mentioned this before, women generally come into a step family relationship with open arms. That step parent needs all the support they can get and they need it from both you and bio mom. If either does not support the stepmom the children will not give her the respect she deserves.

My oldest children have a stepmom. My ex had an affair and yes, I was very hurt. Did I want a connect with him? No, but that would not be right or fair to my children (our children). I told my children they had 2 moms and 2 dads. I honored their stepmom on Mother's day, if my kids complained about her I would help them understand her but I never ever talked bad about her our tried to get my children on to like her. To me that is selfish and almost evil. 28 years later my daughters and their children, as well as myself still have a relationship with the stepmom even though their marriage also failed.

My husband's (now) ex seemed to have this idea that she was the only mom that was good enough for her children and she did like the reply above and would tell her sons terrible things to try to damage any kind of relationship the boys could have with me. My husband had full custody of the boys and I think that made her very angry, she wanted them but had not tried until she knew I was in the picture over 3 years later. She would tell the boys they didn't have to spend time with me and my daughters, that they could just go to their rooms. She told them that they needed to go to their dad for questions or whatever they needed. Their dad was gone to work and worked out of town. I was the main parent to these boys yet she wanted them to have nothing with me and anything I did was criticized. Of course I made decisions...I treated them as my own and I worked my butt off for what was right for them yet she slammed me any chance she had and she was very good.

It gets frustrating! The last event I went to with husband's ex who also attended was the oldest boys' high school graduation. She evil-eyed me the whole time. She was bitter and angry and I was her target. She had to destroy if she could. Oldest boy asked if his mom could come to the house for the graduation dinner. He did not understand the underlying dynamics and had we been on better terms it would not have been a problem but I was done with her garbage and wanted nothing more to do with this woman. You see the difference here OP.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Uptown said:


> Bimmer, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, irrational anger, immaturity, controlling behavior, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.
> 
> I caution that BPD is not something a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder because every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.
> 
> ...


It does not hurt to explore the possibilities of BPD, however at the same time if the OP concludes this is it then it takes any responsibility off of his own behavior, the behavior of the step children and the ex when perhaps what he is actually see if that she is not handling the pressures of step parenting well. she may feel tapped, unheard, disrespected and unloved. Threatening to leave 3 times and then apologizing does not make one BPD. 

It is possible that OP's wife could be suffering form a faulty "fight or flight" due to the stress of what she is dealing with in the relationships with the various people in the step family. Many people whose fight or flight is damaged no longer trust their judgement. They have held back their emotions until they burst. They want to leave but then they fault themselves. Those suffering from PTSD have a fault fight or flight. I was diagnosed with this due to the ongoing stress of living with a passive-aggressive husband with narcissistic tendencies and dealing with a difficult step family situation. Plenty of people surrounding this step family connection faulted me but they had no clue what I was dealing with. It takes slipping into the shoes of the stepmom to fully understand what is going on.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

I am in a relationship with a man who has a child with his ex gf, and I am not a fan of the ex. However, I know she is the mother of their child, and I respect her in that sense. I think she is a terrible mom, is abusive towards my bf, and so many other things I could go on and on about, but that's not what it's about. I CHOOSE to be in this situation, because we cannot control the ex. She is who she is, and she will always be that way. 

You're wife CHOSE to be in this situation. She is acting immaturely and is NOT supportive towards you. 

When my bf tells me of what his ex does, I just listen. I will give my opinion subtly, but ultimately, he HAS to have a relationship with her because of their child. 

If you think things are going to change or get better, they are not. She WANTS to be a victim in this, and you are allowing her to. 

Aren't you exhausted from having to take the heat on everything at all times? Just because someone cooks for you or your child does not mean they are nice. You are allow non meaningful things to overshadow the things that matter. The good vs. the bad. 

If your son were in your shoes and he came to you for advice, what would you tell him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BimmerMan said:


> She says she loves my children. Although some of the things she says makes me think otherwise. Like I said she treats them well while they are there, and cooks for them, buys clothes ETC. she has admitted to having resentment towards them and me for the money I have to pay in child support. She feels like her sons being screwed over because we can't afford as much for him. Which is not really the case because we make good money together. I have honestly just come to realize that she is very immature.
> 
> *It's just hard because she's so nice other then the times when she's verbally abusive.* I need to stop giving into her worrying she might leave.
> 
> I'm going to tell her next time she's verbally abusive or threatens to leave We are done.


Of course your wife is not abusive every moment of every day. Why? Because abusers know that if they are, the person they abuse will run away as fast as they can.

It's called the "cycle of abuse". I posted a link to one site that talks about it. There's tons of info on the web on this topic.

Cycle of Abuse

It's basically intermittent reinforcement. Ever hear of Pavlo’s Dogs? 

The purpose of abuse is to gain control over you and the relationship. By keeping you walking on egg shells, she controls everything. You are spending your time trying figure out how to keep her from going off the handle, so you are focused on her. There is no need to abuse 24/7. I’m sure you have come to realize that even when things are going well, you are becoming more and more careful about what you do and say. She’s controlling you through abuse. And keep in mind, that as the victim of abuse gets more and more under the control of their abuser, the abuse will escalate. This is just the start of her yield power/control over you and your children via abuse.

There is the added factor that she is harming your children. They see what’s going on. They get that she sees them as second class family members. YOU are enabling her to emotionally abuse your children. So YOU need to put an end to that.

A good number of second marriages fail, about 70%, and it’s mostly due to issues with children from previous marriage. Blending a family is very hard, been there, done that. Would be very reluctant to do it again. But it can be done. My counselor told me that it takes about 5 years to blend 2 families to the point where it feels like one, natural family unit. And that’s when the people involved go about it right.

With the way things are right now in your family, it’s never going to happen. With your wife being abusive and you being passive (accepting) of her abuse, it’s just going to go downhill unless you take a very hard stand now and put a stop to this. 

There is a chance that your wife’s problem is not just that she’s jealous of your kids and has no clue how to blend a family. It sounds like she also is a strong abusive streak to her personality. These are two very different things and BOTH need to be fixed or you need to end this marriage.

My suggestion is that you find a good marriage counselor with strong skills in blending families and in domestic abuse (at this point verbal/emotional abuse). Then you ask her to go to counseling with you. If she refuses you tell her that either she goes or you are divorcing her. If she still refuses, divorce her. This is beyond something that you two can handle on your own. 

The bit about the trip to Florida bad. Do you children know that she is pulling this stunt? I had something similar happen when my son and step-children were in junior high. My step-children’s mother lives in Florida so they got to do all the fun Florida things to include Sea World, Disney, etc. My son felt left out. I get it, he was a kid and those are fun things for kid. So what we did was to schedule a vacation and took all of the kids, my son and my step-children. We all had a blast. That’s how adults handle blending a family. Where I you, I’d tell her that you will only do the vacation if all the children go and it’s paid for out of joint income. Remind her that his is not about evening some stupid score, it’s about all of you being a family and growing together. Either she’s all in or you are all out. That’s the start of you ending your passive streak and start standing up for yourself and your kids. 

In addition to the counseling, there are two books that I think will help you two. (They do not replace the counseling, but greatly augment it): “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. Read them in that order. Both of you. And both of you do the prescribed work together. They will help you two restructure your marriage into a very strong union where you two can meet each other’s needs and learn to have open communications. 

If, 6 months to a year of counseling, she is still pulling this nonsense… divorce her. Living in an abusive relationship is just not worth it.


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## BimmerMan (Apr 20, 2016)

We went to counseling and revisited the Disney trip. The counselor made it clear we can not control what my kids do with their mother. My wife apologized for creating a division in the family. We ended up going because I told her I am not going to Disneyland without my children. She told me I'm not a wife to her or a step dad to her son if I won't go with them. I told her I didn't want to talk about anymore we are seeing counseling. We hadn't talked about for almost a month, now it's settled. Everyone's going. 

I must say the last month hasn't been as bad. Her doc put her on Prozac. The thing with her saying she's not Picking up the kids is what set me off and made me post on here. 

I feel like if anything else does happen I'm going to lose my **** and it's going to go nuclear tho.

No, I don't shoot the breeze with my ex. If anything I'm rudely short and don't respond sometimes to her text. Even then I'm accused of schmoozing with her if I talk about anything other then drop off or pick up. If I talk about the children's behavior, school work etc she thinks it's schmoozing and have been accused of still being in love with her..

Yes I am exhausted. I'm at the point where I don't care if she's mad anymore. It had gotten to the point where something would happen and her first response would be "don't worry, I'm not mad at you."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

A lot of deal-breakers here, does not like your kids or treat them fairly, bad temper, jealous of mother, threatens to leave rather than address problems. Her good quality is apparently her ability to apologize but even that seems meaningless since she makes no effort to change her behavior and indeed our acknowledge no interest in change: "I have tried to talk to her and she says I need to stop living in the past and get over the things she says, and that I'm going to ruin our relationship."

You have mentioned multiple danger signs, abusive personality, dysfunction, conflict, but there is apparently little good except some ability to do some household tasks. Next time she talks about leaving, say you can go. Do be careful, her abnormal behavior and accustomed dominant role may become problematic if you speak up for yourself and be careful of false allegations of abuse.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Whose house are you living in, hers, yours or is this a new place you got together? How old are the kids? 

Best advice I can give you is don't cave in to her demands and if she continues to bad mouth then point to the door and tell her to move on if she isn't happy.


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## BimmerMan (Apr 20, 2016)

It is my house. My kids are 7 and 4. Hers is 8
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BimmerMan (Apr 20, 2016)

Update

So Im still feeling a lot of resentment towards her and she can sense it now. She is getting sad and thinks I dont love her like I used to. I think I need to see a counselor just for myself.
I need to find out if there is coming back from this. I just feel like so much has been done and said in this short marriage of ours.

Something weird happen today. So she is out of town for work. She is staying in a house with a bunch of girls for the weekend. They were all drinking together tonight and getting a little crazy. 
She told me she showered with her friend, but said ''don't worry, we didnt do any lesbian stuff!' She knows i consider doing anything with the same sex cheating as well. She told me when she was younger she messed around with a few girls while drunk.

To be honest the only reason it pisses me off is because she knows that it would make me slightly uncomfortable, and the fact EVERYTHING makes her jealous. Then she does something like that. I look at it as a respect issue. She wasnt showing any respect for my feelings once again.
She was more worried doing drunk crazy stuff with her work friends. Mind you she doesnt go out ever, its not normally a problem.

I dont know, maybe im to critical now. Its really pissing me off. I didnt say anything to her cause shes drunk. I just said "That's a little weird.."


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

She's testing you. And don't worry about whether you passed or failed it. Who gives a [email protected] Just focus on you and the kids for a while.

I agree, IC is in order.


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## BimmerMan (Apr 20, 2016)

Blossom Leigh said:


> She's testing you. And don't worry about whether you passed or failed it. Who gives a [email protected] Just focus on you and the kids for a while.
> 
> I agree, IC is in order.


 I told her I needed counseling just for myself about a week ago, and she got all nervous and scared. She wanted to know why. 

Do you mean testing me as in seeing if I will get mad? To see if I still care even?
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

BimmerMan said:


> I told her I needed counseling just for myself about a week ago, and she got all nervous and scared. She wanted to know why.
> 
> Do you mean testing me as in seeing if I will get mad? To see if I still care even?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep.... shower thing with the girl... she was testing you.

Right now... ignore her reactions. 

Do what is healthy for you.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Honestly your first priority is to you children, and anyone who places them behind theirs is disrespecting them and you....i truly wish you would get that, everything else is noise, its your house you make the rules and if she is not comfortable with that...show her the door.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

BimmerMan said:


> Something weird happen today. So she is out of town for work. She is staying in a house with a bunch of girls for the weekend. They were all drinking together tonight and getting a little crazy.
> She told me she showered with her friend, but said ''don't worry, we didnt do any lesbian stuff!' She knows i consider doing anything with the same sex cheating as well. She told me when she was younger she messed around with a few girls while drunk.














BimmerMan said:


> To be honest the only reason it pisses me off is because she knows that it would make me slightly uncomfortable, and the fact EVERYTHING makes her jealous. Then she does something like that. I look at it as a respect issue. She wasnt showing any respect for my feelings once again.


Besides the fact that she has some serious boundary issues, I am getting the feeling that this woman doesn't give 2 $hits about you or your feelings bro.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I agree that she had a tendency toward BPD traits and this is one of them. She's playing a push-pull thing with you. Your response was good - it didn't get her any results. BPDs tend to like drama because it makes everything about them again. She would have turned this into her being a victim of your unreasonable jealousy. 

This isn't healthy for you or the kids.


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