# Need Genuine Advice - Even If It Hurts



## NewMomInMD (Aug 26, 2010)

I knew my husband of two years had been cheating during his various frequent trips relating to his job. He would go on sites like Craigslist and find someone in whatever city he was visiting via the adult postings on the website. He used other websites as well. I never had irrefutable proof before until his recent trip to Atlantic City while I was visiting relatives out of state. I found a text to/from a prostitute who met him in his room - he even asked her to attend dinner with him and his employee who had gone up with them...also he arranged for another prostitute to sleep with his employee. We've been together for almost seven years and have a one year old daughter...I'm now pregnant again. 

After years of lying about his flings he had no choice but to admit it and confess it has been going on for "at least a year." He is the king of lying. He showed no genuine remorse. My thought was to forgive him so our kids will have two parents in the house but now I'm not sure that's the best situation...especially for the kids. I cannot even look at him...he touches me and I'm repulsed...I am no longer attracted to him nor do I feel anything for him but for lack of a better word...friendship, companionship. 

I‘d like to add that at no point was I ever mad about the cheating itself just the lying. What does that mean when you care more about being lied to then your spouse sleeping with someone else because I could not have cared less about that part. That can‘t be good, right?

So what...do I stay or do I move on? What are your thoughts?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He won't change. Do you want your kids to grow up watching him do this, and you condone it? 

The ONLY way he will ever respect you is for you to respect yourself first. Kick him out. If he wants to be married, he can work on himself. And then, maybe, you'll decide to give him a second chance.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

At minimum, get tested for sexually transmitted diseases and have him get tested too. And insist on seeing the results.

If he shows no remorse, then he likes whet he is doing despite its impact on you and your family.

It may be time consider looking at your options with a professional. Marriage counselor, lawyer, etc.


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## NewMomInMD (Aug 26, 2010)

Yes, I suggested therapy for us/him because he has self-esteem, intimacy and other issues. I've been so patient and forgiving. He was all for therapy but the next day after we talked about it it was almost as if he had forgotten this whole thing happened and he hasn't mentioned anything about it since then. I know what's happening...he's waiting for me to take on the process of finding a therapist, getting him there and then if it doesn't work and he cheats again he'll blame it on me. I know how his mind works. 

I don't sleep well at night.


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## NewMomInMD (Aug 26, 2010)

turnera said:


> He won't change. Do you want your kids to grow up watching him do this, and you condone it?
> 
> The ONLY way he will ever respect you is for you to respect yourself first. Kick him out. If he wants to be married, he can work on himself. And then, maybe, you'll decide to give him a second chance.


That's another thing that makes me hesitant to leave right now...he is a porn ADDICT and I don't want him to be alone with my kids (my one year old is a girl) and he has left porn on his computer many times for his older teenage daughter to see (not on purpose but just careless). Also, because he uses prostitutes/adult services and meets women online, etc. I'm afraid he'll have one of these people around my kids.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then you gather evidence of it, and you present it in your divorce and child custody hearing.

That's a lame excuse. Understandable, but lame. You CAN protect your children from him...in fact much better if you divorce him than if you stay living with him. What are you going to do - ensure that he is never alone with his own children?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

My guess is that he feels you won't do anything about it. You have a young child... what could you possibly do on your own???

If you don't do anything about the therapy after you suggested then it's your fault anyway so make the appointments (like four in advance, not one), insist he goes and see what happens. if he refuses, then you should ask him to leave and take his older daughter with him.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

While I can understand you feel that he should take steps toward therapy and such on his own to prove himself to you, you need to realize that he's not going to do that. And since you mentioned therapy to him, you need to now follow through and ensure you guys get there - otherwise he WILL blame you...and you wouldn't be entirely blameless then as you are now. If you don't want to schedule appointments, then your only real option is to leave him, otherwise he will think he can do whatever he wants and get away with it...and not be wrong in thinking that. 

As to your fears about the porn and such with your child...my ex is a registered sex offender. He raped someone after I kicked him out. I was able to convince the court that he needed to be granted only supervised visitation as a result, because I had proof in the form of the paperwork from his criminal case that explained what he did and what he was convicted of. Without some kind of proof, you're going to be hard pressed to convince the court, which is why you need to get proof of this stuff, such as the credit card bill that has the charge for the prostitute. You need to find something that proves he carelessly leaves porn up that his older daughter has seen, which will be hard, since basically you'd have to get her to say it, and that's not right to involve her that way. 

The first thing to do, though, is decide if you want to follow through and do counseling, or if you want to leave him.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

He sounds like a sex addict. The reality is that he won't change until he is motivated to change. Recovery from sex addiction will require a TON of personal work on his part. Consult a lawyer, document everything, leave him and seek full custody of the children. 

You may also want to figure out why you are so ambivalent about the sexual betrayal. Have you always been this way, or have you learned to disassociate your emotions?


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

Agreed. A sexual addiction is stronger than any drug. It takes a lot of time. A 12 step program. A lot of love, patience, and willingness from him. It's not something you can turn off and just say...I won't do it anymore.


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