# A False R Story



## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

*Some False R Things*

A false R seems to serve a greater purpose for the betrayed as much as a true reconciliation serves the greater purpose of a good marriage. 

I feel that once the betrayed recognizes the elements of a false R, gaslighting, trickle-truthing etc, it gives them time to make the decision to divorce. One thing for sure, it is pure hell. The emotional injuries to the BS become stacked, it seems to be a constant reliving of the entire DD scenario. The fact that one human being would deliberately subject another to this repeated emotional chaos, rife with confusion is so wrong...It is the opposite of love. It is pure emotional cruelty. A false R is driven by the WSs continued selfishness and disrespect of the BS amongst the possibilities of other ulterior motives and secondary gains. 

During my time of being in false R, it took me a while to see those false R elements, but I felt them. The main method my WS used to keep me on leash was to destroy my trust in myself...to destroy my reliance on my gut instincts. I take responsibility for some of that. I allowed it because it allowed me to stay married and feel our nuclear family was intact. It triggered the urgency in me to disclose things to him prematurely which only gave him time to rewrite stories and hide his affair better. He was on a mission to stigmatize me to be 'crazy'. The truth is who would not go nearly crazy reliving a DD daily? The larger truth is it gave me the courage to walk away. Despite his best efforts he just could could not kill the gut feelings which kept prompting me to get away from him. 

It's so funny that it took a great 'stalling' in my own life for me, to actually 'stop' completely from the buzz and whirls of everyday life, to truly examine the whole picture. For that I say, someone in heaven was looking out for me. I even compared my husband's (my memory is good) behavior prior, during and post DD. I got information on the kind of person she was - it all added up... He had become her over the 6 year period that I had came to find out about. Never mind the fact that I was living in a state of bewilderment during that time frame, which affected my behaviors externally including in the work environment. Yet his mantra was ..."People don't like you, your co-workers hate you, your family hates you, you are a bad person". Wow! I looked around at my life and saw that my relationships with people had indeed deteriorated and I was pretty much isolating because it suited him that I was not disclosing to them, his emotional, psychological and financial abuses. I had become silent and withdrawn over time. He accused me of the very things he subtly perpetuated in my life.

Apparently he began treating me the way she treated him. He wasn't that way before she entered his life. When I look at him and how he has changed over the 17 years, it is truly sad to see what he has become but enlightening to see, what I could have become had I not released myself from someone who could so easily come under the control of a third. 

When I looked at who I was before I got married to him, who I became after marriage, then who I was becoming after she entered his life, these are the most meaningful turning points leading to freedom. We have choices. Nothing we experience is without it's merits even if it is only on a deeply personal level. Always remember that you matter. My fault, I gave up a lot of my own personal power to another human being, whether it was deferred or referred, the price is the same. 

My appeal to you is to really take a look at how your R is unfolding. Take the time you need to really honor your gut instincts, they are for your protection and if they are triggering daily, it means a lot more for your survival than you may believe. It is not my intention to belabor the point about gut feelings but they really are life-savers. I came into this world alone and I will leave alone...What happens in between is my responsibility. When someone shows you who they are, you must believe them.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Calibre1212 said:


> A false R seems to serve a greater purpose for the betrayed as much as a true reconciliation serves the greater purpose of a good marriage.
> 
> I feel that once the betrayed recognizes the elements of a false R, gaslighting, trickle-truthing etc, it gives them time to make the decision to divorce. One thing for sure, it is pure hell. The emotional injuries to the BS become stacked, it seems to be a constant reliving of the entire DD scenario. The fact that one human being would deliberately subject another to this repeated emotional chaos, rife with confusion is so wrong...It is the opposite of love. It is pure emotional cruelty. A false R is driven by the WSs continued selfishness and disrespect of the BS amongst the possibilities of other ulterior motives and secondary gains.
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing that story. You offer much to think about.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Trust your gut.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Wow, that was a tremendously moving post... 

Good to see that things appear to be moving in the right direction, Op.


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## Blindsidedandcrushed (Aug 20, 2014)

I can relate to the "making me think I'm crazy" portion. Actually I can relate to most if not all of your post.

Thank you for sharing!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Good post, good reflection. My FWH didn't try to make me think I was crazy or unliked by others. He DID deny my questions when WE were in a false R. 
I saw a weird email address where he was forwarding a pic between two of his own accounts . It seemed suspicious to me as it was a graphic art type pic of a woman in multicolor flame kind of thing. Hard to explain but it was a suggestive pic and he didn't send it to me.

When I asked him about it he claimed he didn't know what I was talking about with the new email address. When I showed him the picture he said it was just something he saw and thought was cool looking and that he hadn't sent it to anyone. 

I was suspicious for a couple of months after that but said nothing until I had proof he couldn't blow off. But that was his MO with his online/phone OW, sending pics and songs etc. 

He would always try to minimize things, blow them off, would not engage in a conversation about it and would not look at me while denying it, a real give-away.

I wonder what is going through their heads when they are doing this? Do they really think we will buy it to forget about it. Do they really think they won't get caught? 

He said he didn't intend to get involved with her again, so wouldn't me finding something be enough of a clue that if he really wanted us to stay together he should just stop?


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Blindsidedandcrushed said:


> I can relate to the "making me think I'm crazy" portion. Actually I can relate to most if not all of your post.
> 
> Thank you for sharing!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's good to know that I am not crazy...It's even better to know that he is 

I thank you for sharing because I thought for a moment that my experience was a little unique.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

PamJ said:


> Good post, good reflection. My FWH didn't try to make me think I was crazy or unliked by others. He DID deny my questions when WE were in a false R.
> I saw a weird email address where he was forwarding a pic between two of his own accounts . It seemed suspicious to me as it was a graphic art type pic of a woman in multicolor flame kind of thing. Hard to explain but it was a suggestive pic and he didn't send it to me.
> 
> When I asked him about it he claimed he didn't know what I was talking about with the new email address. When I showed him the picture he said it was just something he saw and thought was cool looking and that he hadn't sent it to anyone.
> ...


Been there too PamJ...That's the reality of it all...Their delusional conclusion of our IQs. It took me a while to see through him because what he had in his heart for me, I never naturally fathomed in my heart for anyone on the planet.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

There is nothing unique about human nature or human interaction. I am very sorry for the pain the relationship caused you and it is deeply troubling to think that two people could marry one another and then have this kind of betrayal. I pray for your complete and total healing. I also agree that every person is valuable and worthy of love. Thank God for His amazing grace and long-suffering patience. Blessings!


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## jr92gp (Feb 28, 2014)

*Re: Some False R Things*



Calibre1212 said:


> I feel that once the betrayed recognizes the elements of a false R, gaslighting, trickle-truthing etc, it gives them time to make the decision to divorce. *One thing for sure, it is pure hell. The emotional injuries to the BS become stacked, it seems to be a constant reliving of the entire DD scenario. The fact that one human being would deliberately subject another to this repeated emotional chaos, rife with confusion is so wrong...It is the opposite of love*. It is pure emotional cruelty. A false R is driven by the WSs continued selfishness and disrespect of the BS amongst the possibilities of other ulterior motives and secondary gains.


This.

I wasn't able to truly understand and explain what I was feeling on a daily basis until now.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

*Re: Some False R Things*



jr92gp said:


> This.
> 
> I wasn't able to truly understand and explain what I was feeling on a daily basis until now.


...Sometimes the words were hard to find to even confide in anyone about what my gut feelings were telling me. Getting past the disbelief re: the real character of the X2B, that had to happen first.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

I can so relate to the FR experience. In my case while FWH was truly motivated to R and rebuild marriage, he still thought it possible to do that while still occasionally responding to OWs commuunications and TT me. It delayed my healing and promoted my hypervigilance for years. All due to his apparent desire to let her down easy (guilt?), postpone her spilling the beans about the previous affair he told her of that I knew nothing of and not wanting to hurt me more as if that was possible. The WS's thinking is totally warped during an A and during FR. But I agree, trusting your own gut is paramount for the BS.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

*Re: Some False R Things*



jr92gp said:


> I wasn't able to truly understand and explain what I was feeling on a daily basis until now.


This is probably the most detailed description I have read so far involving FR. My wife has used everything in her arsenal to a degree of effectiveness that I doubted nearly everything that was. She also made it a point to do deliberate actions to throw me off by making it seem suspect all the while it was a legitimate misunderstanding. This would bolster her case of claiming I was simply crazy and just wanting to find a reason to pick a fight or bring back drama. In fact, when I challenged her about rug sweeping she wrote me a nasty note saying how effing upset she was that I thought she was fake. She was still at that point talking with the OM.

She would also use sex whenever I had a point that couldn't be explained without proof. She'd then follow this up with affection and good feelings. Being a man this was very effective. I should have trusted my gut and cut her loose at the first sign of deceit, the period of false R and therein limbo has actually been more painful than D-Day itself.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Glad that you are in a better place now. 

I do hope you continue to heal and find happiness in your life.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Great post. I'm sure it will help many who find themselves in the same situation.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I spent 30 years in FR. I didn't know it, obviously, and will never know if my ex-husband was in contact with his AP the entire time or only some of the time during those 30 years. It no longer really matters to me because I finally divorced him. But it was not an easy 30 years and my experience is why I tend to be very skeptical of R in general (which is wrong, I know, because some people R successfully).


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## Lister (Jan 29, 2013)

*Re: Some False R Things*



Calibre1212 said:


> A false R seems to serve a greater purpose for the betrayed as much as a true reconciliation serves the greater purpose of a good marriage.
> 
> I feel that once the betrayed recognizes the elements of a false R, gaslighting, trickle-truthing etc, it gives them time to make the decision to divorce. One thing for sure, it is pure hell. The emotional injuries to the BS become stacked, it seems to be a constant reliving of the entire DD scenario. The fact that one human being would deliberately subject another to this repeated emotional chaos, rife with confusion is so wrong...It is the opposite of love. It is pure emotional cruelty. A false R is driven by the WSs continued selfishness and disrespect of the BS amongst the possibilities of other ulterior motives and secondary gains.
> 
> ...


Thank you for that post, I think it is essential reading for any WSs who are in R. You need to ask yourself am I truly remorseful, have I truly taken total ownership of what I did and the pain I have caused? Am I totally commited to addressing MY character flaws and weaknesses, am I still manipulating and/or abusing my partner and the hope they have for R? Am I still finding ways to justify what i did and minimise? Am I just saying and doing what I have read or been told needs to be done, or do i really get it, believe it and understand it?

For a long time i failed all of these tests and prevented any healing for my wife. I get it now and am trying to make things right but the damage i did during false R makes it so much harder.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

And this is why I believe that after d-day the betrayed spouse should separate from the situation for a few months. It allows one to see the full picture, escape the lies, gas lighting.... and better determine how they want to proceed.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

*Re: Some False R Things*



IIJokerII said:


> This is probably the most detailed description I have read so far involving FR. My wife has used everything in her arsenal to a degree of effectiveness that I doubted nearly everything that was. She also made it a point to do deliberate actions to throw me off by making it seem suspect all the while it was a legitimate misunderstanding. This would bolster her case of claiming I was simply crazy and just wanting to find a reason to pick a fight or bring back drama. In fact, when I challenged her about rug sweeping she wrote me a nasty note saying how effing upset she was that I thought she was fake. She was still at that point talking with the OM.
> 
> She would also use sex whenever I had a point that couldn't be explained without proof. She'd then follow this up with affection and good feelings. Being a man this was very effective. I should have trusted my gut and cut her loose at the first sign of deceit, the period of false R and therein limbo has actually been more painful than D-Day itself.


I completely understand these too. He used "sex" as if it were a type of "pill" for me, Tylenol perhaps?. But the day came when I just flat out refused it...He was shocked beyond belief that that script had changed. 

I wanted to mention a really important thing....It's about the use of the present tense...I used to ask my X2B during FR all types of questions about the affair (the 6+ years "just friends") and personality of the so-called-XAP...His responses were always in the present tense...They were still together..."She is...", rather than she "was". **Also his use of "we", when he spoke about her.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

*Re: Some False R Things*



Lister said:


> Thank you for that post, I think it is essential reading for any WSs who are in R. You need to ask yourself am I truly remorseful, have I truly taken total ownership of what I did and the pain I have caused? Am I totally commited to addressing MY character flaws and weaknesses, am I still manipulating and/or abusing my partner and the hope they have for R? Am I still finding ways to justify what i did and minimise? Am I just saying and doing what I have read or been told needs to be done, or do i really get it, believe it and understand it?
> 
> For a long time i failed all of these tests and prevented any healing for my wife. I get it now and am trying to make things right but the damage i did during false R makes it so much harder.


I appreciate your comment...May I ask? What kept you in False R and what caused you to change it to a true R? For my X2B, I don't believe he has the capacity for proper insight and judgment and he never will. He lacks the capacity to self-examine without the goals being spite and benefit.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

*Re: Some False R Things*



Calibre1212 said:


> I wanted to mention a really important thing....It's about the use of the present tense...I used to ask my X2B during FR all types of questions about the affair (the 6+ years "just friends") and personality of the so-called-XAP...His responses were always in the present tense...They were still together..."She is...", rather than she "was". **Also his use of "we", when he spoke about her.


Ouch, Calibre... So sorry.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

*Re: Some False R Things*



Pepper123 said:


> Ouch, Calibre... So sorry.


I appreciate your empathy, Pepper. But the situation is what it is. 

I am hoping to help others to navigate through this sea of living in potential time-wasting, in a marriage that is not working nor is worth their precious time and effort. The use of tenses and the collective is quite telling.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Do you point that out to him?


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## Lister (Jan 29, 2013)

*Re: Some False R Things*



Calibre1212 said:


> I appreciate your comment...May I ask? What kept you in False R and what caused you to change it to a true R? For my X2B, I don't believe he has the capacity for proper insight and judgment and he never will. He lacks the capacity to self-examine without the goals being spite and benefit.


What kept it in false R? Total self centred attitude by me and a failure to understand that I had broken the heart of the most important person in my life. For a long time I still focused on me and my guilt NOT the pain and despair my wife was living. Rather than remorse I felt guilt and continued to try and minimise and even justify in some way what I had done.

I now totally own what I did and in a strange way that helps. There were no excuses for destroying 25 years of someone's memories and hope for the future not to mention devastating my family. I want to do what I can to build a happy marriage and start again.

I have read books and TAM helps you understand the pain you have inflicted. I have learned more about myself and have learned to head off negative thoughts and see the wonderful person I am married to. I know empathy doesn't come naturally to me but I have thought long and hard about how I have made her feel. And she has still given me another chance to be with her. Wow! 

I don't know if that answers your question. I am weak and selfish by nature but I know I can change. I hope things work out for you.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

staystrong said:


> Do you point that out to him?


Yes I pointed it out to him (in the recent past). In doing that I was able to see the "gaslighting", literally. It gave me serious confirmation of my gut feelings. On one occasion, he had said she "..IS funny, smart, caring, kind, loving". When I brought the present-tense thing to his attention, he switched it and said: "She pretended to be funny, smart, caring, kind, loving"...The horrible part about that is the gaslighting, where he insisted and even bullied me that those were his actual words and that it was me who had an issue hearing him properly or it was me who had distorted the truth. 

He is now history. There is nothing that can be done to reverse my decision in reference to him. The decision was 17 years overdue. 

Too, it's amazing to me that I managed to "surgically" remove him from me. Wow! I never thought I had that kind of strength or resilience. But, giving him a 2nd chance then having it result in a FR is hurtful (again): The double divorce, the double X, the yada-yada - It's a little bit easier to manage now though. 

I have to look forward and find joy in the fact that he will never receive another moment in or of my life. I have directed my hopes into more of the things and people I love and who love me...my kids...and I try my best to help others and utilize my creative outlets. I guess in a way, it's now all about "me", who I am completely and without apology.


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