# serial cheater



## Seliah03 (Mar 13, 2016)

I have been with my husband and we have 5 children (2 are adopted). He has cheated on me 4 times that I know of during our 14 year relationship. I just caught him 2 week ago sleeping with my sister who was living with us. I am sick, devastated and blaming myself because I let this happen. I know he obviously has an infidelity problem. I care about him but I don't love him anymore and I have told him this. He was molested as a child and has serious issues..he believes he is a sex addict. Is that just the last ditch effort of someone who doesn't want to lose their wife? He wants us to try again but I am not in love and sick to my stomach with what I saw. He started attending meetings and Has started therapy. He is still living here as we have 5 children to care for....I just don't know what to do...I cry everyday..


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Will you ever speak to your sister again? I probably wouldn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

How long has he been going to the meetings and therapy? He needs to keep going, so he can get to the root of his issues.

Cheating with your sister....that takes it to a different level. 

Was your sister abused as a child too? What is her excuse?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Cheated on you 4 times that you know of probably means closer to 40 times total you just didn't catch him.

When are you throwing him out of the house? He can go rent a new place with your skunk sister.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Will you ever speak to your sister again? I probably wouldn't.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That makes two of us. I'm not going to speak to her sister ever again either 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> *Cheated on you 4 times that you know of probably means closer to 40 times.
> *


Oh so very true...

My brother is a Doc, he said when he asks personal questions...

How much do drink? Multiply the answer by 4. 
How many days a week do you exercise? Divide by 3. 

The only guaranteed truth coming from a cheaters mouth... *It's a lie.
*


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Why keep having children over and over with a man who continually cheats on you? With everything you have described in sum, he's a terrible candidate to raise children with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

It's time to end both relationships,and move on to a happier life with your children.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

no words, really.

one pertinent questions, though... how can you forgive one(him) and not your sister? they're both horrible people, regardless of what he went through, in my opinion.


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## Seliah03 (Mar 13, 2016)

Truthfully I forgive both of them...they both have serious problems and need help. I don't want to hold on to anger in my heart against anyone. That doesn't mean that I am moving on with any type of life where they are a part of it. Yes I have to continue a relationship with him (as strictly friends) because we have children together and these horrible choices made by them shouldn't be put on them. As for her, I don't forsee a relationship because I don't have to keep her in my life. This was just the icing on the cake between us. As for the question about children..3 of the children are ours and 2 are adopted. We haven't 'kept on having children'. Our oldest is 16 and youngest 10. I couldn't forsee the future and had children prior to any infidelity coming to light. Right now he is still living in our home..separate room..because financially I can't do it alone yet. I work part-time and now will be looking for more work. He has only been in therapy 3 weeks and attending saa meetings at least 4xs a week. That doesn't mean I can move forward with him regardless of the help he is getting.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Sorry that you're having to go through this Seliah03.

I think that you're like a breath of fresh air around here though. Once that you found out the truth, you took immediate action and weren't swayed by your WS's attempts to change your mind.

There have been, and currently are, FAR too many weak BS's posting on here. Some, delusional at best, others so blinded by their desire to hang on to what's left of their marriages, that conventional wisdom and common sense just roll of their backs, like rain drops on a duck. Completely oblivious to the future pain and loss that surely will be awaiting them due to the poor choices that they made at the onset of what brought them here to begin with.

I realize that you are done with your WS and marriage, but that fact that he's at least going through the motions to try to win you back is testament to the hard line approach that you chose to take, right out of the gate.

There's a lot to be said about the ole "you have to be willing to loose the marriage to save the marriage" saying.

You BS's that are trying to "nice" your WS back, or tippy toe your way in to them staying with you...

For the most part, you only prove time and time again that it doesn't work. Be it 6 months, or 6 years, you end up going through the same thing all over again.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

OP, I'm sorry you are here. Let me ask you, you said you found out about your H and sister two weeks ago. When did you learn of the other instances of infidelity? Do you know the other women involved?

You are pretty darn quick to forgive. I get (although I don't necessarily agree) that holding on to the anger isn't healthy, but as others have mentioned, you probably don't know the extent of his betrayals, yet you're offering forgiveness. Have you told H you forgive him (I wouldn't).

I don't buy the sex addict excuse. To me it is an excuse. I do believe he has no boundaries or respect for your marriage. Sure he's got a screwed up childhood. Try to remember that may explain why he makes such poor choices in life-but they remain choices. You did not cause or contribute to his being a serial cheater.

My ex was also a serial cheater. There was one instance before we married, I was young and stupid and allowed him to blame-shift. That was on me. He has a lot of issues and his choices are on him. His issues have also contributed to continuous estrangement with his kids. You deal with life, or you don't.

Go to an MD and get checked for STD (gross I know, but obviously necessary in this day), and an attorney to find out where you and the kids stand. Gather your information and make a game plan that works for you and your children. You are no longer his care-taker.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You sound pretty grounded to me at this point. I'm not sure what forgiveness is - for me forgiving isn't separate from forgetting. If you can forgive them but use your knowledge to move forward in your life in a positive way, then more power to you.

Cut ties with your sister. See an attorney about divorce. Get some counseling for yourself and your children if you can. Do the 180 to detach from your toxic WH. In short, save yourself and your children. If you don't do it now, you could find yourself looking back at decades of a broken, sad life. Don't let that happen. Do the right thing now, however hard it is. You won't be sorry in the end.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Move forward with the divorce. You just aren't compatible. And if there IS a chance he can be healed (unlikely), it will only be because you have left him, given him a reason to work at it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Has he been diagnosed by a certified sex addiction therapist? If not he needs to be. Sex addiction isn't something you can just decide that you have one day.

Have you been tested for STD's?

Have you told a lawyer to draw up divorce papers?


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## Seliah03 (Mar 13, 2016)

So in answer to some questions..I believe it is easy for me to forgive to quickly because 1. I truly believe that HE has problems that only HE can resolve with help. And 2. The love I had for him was almost a memory prior to this last act of infidelity. Forgiveness I can give but by no means forgotten. I am currently looking into getting counseling for myself as I can see that I am full of anger and resentment and I don't want to be that person. I am the glass half full type of person and I look to God to help me but I know that I also have to help myself. As far as him having a sex addiction..I don't know if it's truth or truth in the moment of getting caught. I told him that regardless we all have choices..he made his for both of us. I also went to the doctor to have bloodwork done for stds and he went a few days ago as well. The first time I found out he was unfaithful was 5 years ago and I found out about 2 different girls at once..one a friend of mine and one I knew socially. The 3rd time was over a year ago and again with a 'so called' friend who was married and cheating on her husband as well. That 3rd time led to him admitting to a 4th person early on in our relationship and now my sister...number 5. He knows at this point I am done with the relationship even though he holds out hope. I am very civil so maybe that has lulled him into a false sense of reconciliation but I have said that won't happen in no uncertain terms.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Seliah03 said:


> He has only been in therapy 3 weeks and attending *saa meetings at least 4xs a week.*


These meetings will do him a lot of good if he does the work, and doesn't use the meetings to meet other SA's to act out with. Does he have a sponsor? If he wants to really grow, he needs one. (...not that it is your problem, or your business, but just wondering if he shared anything with you.)


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## Seliah03 (Mar 13, 2016)

He doesn't have a sponsor yet but has a few people he has met that he has in mind. Actually we talk very often about his progress and what he is accomplishing to better himself. I made sure to tell him that he needs to do this for himself, not out of some mistaken desire to win me back. I know some people might find it strange but I have been very supportive because I know he needs help. Our relationship may be over but he still has children that look to him for guidance and no matter what I do he is still going to be a part of my life and theirs. I have tried my hardest to be a friend to him even though I have days where I can't stand to hear his voice or see him. I am just taking it day by day and he is doing the same.


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## RosaParks (Jan 4, 2016)

Seliah 03,
I very much admire your Christian attitude and long term approach. It takes a lot of maturity through this hurt to recognize that he needs help and that he will be a part of your and your children's lives. Stay strong. Catching him 5 times in a PA is just too much to overlook.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Sorry that you are here. How did you deal with your sister?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Probably one of the most dangerous things for a marriage that ain't titanium clad is to move the wife's sister in the house. I observed this arrangement going south several times. A lot of guys fantasize about banging their SIL and when the situation presents itself, it ain't hard to predict what will happen. Trust me.



Roselyn said:


> Sorry that you are here. How did you deal with your sister?


Most of the time, they go back to doing sister things. After all, its the big bad POS ho hopping man that seduced the poor sister and made he betray her own family.







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## Seliah03 (Mar 13, 2016)

The reality is that my sister and I have no contact and I don't forsee that changing in the future. Truth be told I blame her more than him...my sister is not the being seduced type. She is very strong willed and opinionated and for her to sleep with him was something she chose. He's not off the hook either but with all of our prior problems it was more expected (sorry if that sounds unfair but it's my feelings). With her, she is my family and I would never in a million years thought she could put me through that type of pain. The fact that she knows about his prior infidelity and how that affected me just shows her callus disregard and selfishness. Him and I are over and so are her and I. He's in my life but if not for us having children that wouldn't be happening.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Seliah03 said:


> The reality is that my sister and I have no contact and I don't forsee that changing in the future. Truth be told I blame her more than him...my sister is not the being seduced type. She is very strong willed and opinionated and for her to sleep with him was something she chose. He's not off the hook either but with all of our prior problems it was more expected (sorry if that sounds unfair but it's my feelings). With her, she is my family and I would never in a million years thought she could put me through that type of pain. The fact that she knows about his prior infidelity and how that affected me just shows her callus disregard and selfishness. Him and I are over and so are her and I. He's in my life but if not for us having children that wouldn't be happening.


Sucks to be betrayed on multiple fronts like that. Then having to face that both of these people will in your life forever (the ExH through children, the sister through other family). 

Focus on setting up good boundaries with both. Good luck to you, you seem to be doing the right things, it's understandable to be sad and even angry about it.


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