# She had an affair what should i do



## trigger (Aug 21, 2011)

I will try to sum this up. It started a month ago. I work out of town and me and my wife have been married almost nine years. I came home from a job and knew somthing was wrong i finally got it out of her that it happened once with a guy from her past and that it was over. We agreed to take some days apart and she left. I was a nervious wreck. She came back 3 days later a said she wanted to move forward with us and that it was over. Two weeks later she said she loved me and did not want a divorce but was not happy with herself so she left again for 2 days when she came back she said that was it we were going forward. 2 days later i found a pp cell phone with text from her to him and from him to her. I lost it. Of course i got the typical i cant believe you went through my things crap. Long story short she left yesterday with a bag with a few clothes in it you could tell she really did not want to but felt she had no other choice. I told her before she left that i still loveed her with all my heart and that this did not have to be the end. She said love was never our problem? She left and i have no way other than email to contact her. I am the sole provider and we have no kids the problem i am fighting with is my job pays very well so we have about 6 fiqures in the bank in joint accounts. I know i need to protect our finances because she is not in a good state of mind right now. I have no clue where she went or if she is coming back. This woman is my whole world and i DO NOT WANT TO LOSE HER. I told her nothing is ever broke so bad it cant be fixed. Should i be hanging on to hope, move on or what i cant sleep eat or function with out her. I thought about after i freeze the accounts tomorrow sending her an email just to let her know that it was not the end and i was not trying to force her to make a dissicion but i felt like i had to do this. She has her on businees account with a little in it so i was going to leave that account alone so. Is it to soon for that? Should i email her or let her contact me? PLEASE HELP ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREAT


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Freeze the account, she will for sure contact you. Remember there are other influences effecting your wife so protect your self.

If she wants to stay married to you she must have NC to OM you will need to witness this text or email stating that her marriage is more important and she want no more contact with him. 

She wants to stay married but is addicted to the OM, trust me it is an addiction. She is in a fog and is fighting her self. .

Sign up for MC and if she joins you great if not go alone. Its best if she signs up...it show commitment.

Contact OM and inform him you are aware of there affair and what ever your W has told him your are looking for support in repairing the marriage. No matter what kind of feeling your wife has for him that you expect him to do the right thing and stop seeing a married women or else.

If she continue the affair expose it to the OM wife and to W family.

The thing here is making the affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible. Getting the OM out of the picture is first and for most, then you can work on rebuilding.

Remember do not beg, it only empowers them to continue. don't dry its not attractive, right now your wife needs to see a confident and attractive man, this will second guess her choice.

She must be under the impression that you can carry on with out her if she continues the A, again putting the pressure on her to get off the fence and prevent her from cake eating. 

Stay strong,eat and work out....look after your self and make your self look better then her other choice, that takes confidence so work on your self.

Start a journel that helped me keep track of all the thought that went through my head.


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## trigger (Aug 21, 2011)

I want her back so bad. My mind tells me it's the right thing to do as far as freezing the accounts but the other side says it could push her over the edge and into his hands. But my wife is use to being able to go and do what she wants and with what he makes that will not be possible. I don't think I am going to send her an emIl and ljust let her contact me. I will do anything but she has to decide to come back and work it out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you want her back---then you have to do the opposite of what you are doing now

You have to pull a hard 180 on her

You have to stop being mr. nice--guy, and no lovey dovey

Right now she does not respect you at all----what she sees is a childlike husband begging her to stay

You need to let her know, you are in command, and if she wants her lover, than fine, you will move-on, without her, and she can live the rest of her life with her scumbag lover

All of a sudden the forbidden fruit that is this lusting, passionate A., won't look so wonderful to her, when she has to face reality-----You have to be hard, and strong---not weak, and groveling!!!!!!!!


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## trigger (Aug 21, 2011)

I agree with you if I continue to let her come and come and figure her self out with the money she will just think I am staying here waiting on her to figure it out. I want her to see me as the strong man she married not what I am right now. I know that right now I have to show her I want stand for it but I don't want to push her further away. Am I doing the right thing by freezing the money so she can't get to it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trigger (Aug 21, 2011)

Or will that push her further away
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John7308 (Aug 17, 2011)

I am no expert but I will chime in anyway. Right now you need to do some things that will protect YOU. She has made these choices and regardless of how things turn out, right now she is not thinking clearly. People who are not thinking clearly will make really DUMB decisions and trust me, your best interest is not what she is thinking about right now.

Thus, freeze your accounts and protect yourself until you know more.


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## trigger (Aug 21, 2011)

I know I need to protect me I am just scared of pushing her further away. I just don't want her to forget that we can fix it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trigger (Aug 21, 2011)

Keep the advice coming I will take all I can get
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John7308 (Aug 17, 2011)

Read up on the 180 thing that a few people have mentioned. It has a lot of merit to it.

By you standing up, protecting AND respecting yourself, this will eventually sink in and force her to make some kind of decision, which may or may not mean she comes back to you.

Think about it like this. If you don't start creating some boundaries than your are essentially saying, "It is ok if you do this. I am not going to freeze the accounts. Feel free to keep doing what you are doing. The door is open for you when YOU DECIDE to come back home."

Unless you are completely ok with being in an OPEN relationship, then you should not act as if you are ok with what she is doing.

My situation is a lot different than yours. But I just simply told my wife something like this "I do not know if I want to divorce you or not. I am willing to see a marriage counselor and work on our issues..but I WILL NOT do anything until you cut off all contact with the other guy. And if you do not, then that is telling me you are choosing the other guy, and thus, I will start moving forward with divorce. I am unwilling to be a part of a 3 person relationship."


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So you don't want to push her away, so you will settle for seconds and the fact that you are not her #1 choice and are willing to share. 
I think she has pushed her self away and you are willing to be a doormat as long as you can have a small part of her!

Trust us pushing her further away will only make her second guess her dicision, giving her the realization that you will not tolorate her actions and are willing to move on.

Other wise she will sit on the fence knowing her back up will always be around no matter how many men she sleep with.

Face it pushing her away is no longer an option here, commiting to your marrage or letting her go is the real deal. She will either stay married to you b/c she wants to or she won't. You have no control over her feeling...you can't make her love you but you can make this affair as inconvient and as uncomfotable as possible by not beeing there until she can commit to the marriage.


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## nada (Aug 20, 2011)

trigger said:


> I want her back so bad. My mind tells me it's the right thing to do as far as freezing the accounts but the other side says it could push her over the edge and into his hands. But my wife is use to being able to go and do what she wants and with what he makes that will not be possible. I don't think I am going to send her an emIl and ljust let her contact me. I will do anything but she has to decide to come back and work it out
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Poor bastard. If you act the way you have acted until now, how the heck sould or should she change? YOU have to change. Give her a hard time by stopping any money from you to her and show her that you can be a MAN, not just a provider. 

Read up on bad boy vs nice guy. This is CRUCIAL and probably counter intuitive to you, but still, read all the material you can find online.

Best wishes
Nada


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## nada (Aug 20, 2011)

trigger said:


> I know I need to protect me I am just scared of pushing her further away. I just don't want her to forget that we can fix it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Some tough love here: You are talking like a wussy /beta/afc. Please be a man, that is the only way your wife will find you interesting again. Picture her in all sort of sexual situation with other men (while enjoiying it loudly) and ask yourself if it is ok that she treat you this way. If NOT, YOU NEED TO CHANGE.

Nada


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Please click on the links below my signature titled 'Just Let Them Go' and the 'The 180 degree rules'.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I would not freeze the accounts. I would open a new one and move precisely half the money to your new account.
They ceased to be "our finances" when she walked out of the door with another man.

She at the moment does not want, like or love you. 
You are a barrier to her happiness. 
You are a pathetic wimpy creature. .

She is in the fog. This may last 3 weeks or10 years. You really have no way of knowing but you must not allow her to have her cake and eat it too. 

She must face the consequences of her actions. The faster you dump reality on her the faster you will bust the fog..

On this forum we are trying to protect YOU. Start the 180 immediately. 
If you can fake "breezy, unconcerned have a nice life" do that too. All I could manage was angry silence.. see how you go.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Take all of the marital money, and put it in an acct., with only your name on it---cancel any credit cards with her name on them

You don't want her spending any money on him, or fanancing his lifestyle

If he wants her, let him spend the money, on her----and get your 180 going immediately


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

trigger said:


> This woman is my whole world and i DO NOT WANT TO LOSE HER. I told her nothing is ever broke so bad it cant be fixed.
> 
> 
> PLEASE HELP ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREAT


I will be blunt here...

You have already lost her. She will never be the same again. And you will never look at her the same again should you reconcile.

The trust is gone. The innocence of your marriage is gone. What you saw in her before her adultery is gone.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

trigger said:


> Or will that push her further away
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


trigger,

Weather she is with you or not she is about as far away as she can get. 

Affairs drive a spike right through the middle of a marriage and there is no quick fix.

What you have to do now:

-Focus on yourself. Get emotionally stable and try to put your feet on solid ground.

-Cut her out of the money.

-Make sure she knows, that in fact, yes...you do want to work it out. But you are not a doormat.

Really...that's about it for now...it sounds like you are very early on in this process. To rebuild the trust, intimacy and friendship you both had in your marriage will take dedication from both of you. 

Can you reconcile? Yes...

Will it be easy? No.



Best Wishes,

GM


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

ing said:


> I would not freeze the accounts. I would open a new one and move precisely half the money to your new account.
> They ceased to be "our finances" when she walked out of the door with another man.
> 
> She at the moment does not want, like or love you.
> ...


:iagree: Perfectly stated.


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

shes destroying you, disrespecting you, cheating on you constantly, abandoned you and whatever else and all you can think about is her well being... that is why she wants somebody else...

oh and by the way, when the divorce comes she wont think twice about grabbing up as much of your six figure salary as she can.

never give a woman more then she gives you... only give 2/3 of what she gives you


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## Freedom50 (Aug 25, 2011)

I have read the above replies. I will tell you from personal experience that IT WILL NOT WORK again. Or it will be so hard as to be near impossible. Even if you do make it, WILL YOU LIKE AND BE PROUD OF THE PERSON YOU WILL BECOME?

Here's a short form of my story; perhpas you'll learn from it. My wife of 22 years (we have 2 kids), cheated on me last year; she lied, and lied again and again. She said she wanted to make it work, while saying she has not been in love with me for years. We tried therapy; a trip together; meaningless sex; sex therpay; talking and talking; taling to friends, relatives. yet each time, she'd lie again about telling the truth while looking directly in my eyes and calling and carrying on with her lover. We are divorcing now; she is the mother of my children and I have to provide for her, but the rest is gone. I'm getting happy again; meeting women who like me for who and what I am; who are turned on by me (and I'm 50).

Note that I have not gained weight; I keep fit; I was not abusive in any way towards her. My mistake was giving her everything she ever asked for to the point that I became just a means to her ends.

You see, I finally had to admit two things that are not fixable: she has not been in love with me for years and will never be again, and I will never trust her again. Nothing will change these facts, and I don't care who wants to sell you what. It is what it is.

My advice for you: 

GET OUT NOW. Transfer the money to your own account. Cancel all credit cards and get replacement ones just for yourself. File for a divorce. 

REDISCOVER YOURSELF. Pick up regular exercise. Eat well. Go out with friends. Date women and have fun. In short, get a life, dude!


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## BenDEBONAIR (Aug 14, 2011)

trigger said:


> I will try to sum this up. It started a month ago. I work out of town and me and my wife have been married almost nine years. I came home from a job and knew somthing was wrong i finally got it out of her that it happened once with a guy from her past and that it was over. We agreed to take some days apart and she left. *I was a nervious wreck*. *She came back 3 days later a said she wanted to move forward with us and that it was over. Two weeks later she said she loved me and did not want a divorce but was not happy with herself so she left again for 2 days when she came back she said that was it we were going forward*. 2 days later i found a pp cell phone with text from her to him and from him to her. I lost it. *Of course i got the typical i cant believe you went through my things crap.* Long story short she left yesterday with a bag with a few clothes in it you could tell she really did not want to but felt she had no other choice. *I told her before she left that i still loveed her with all my heart and that this did not have to be the end.* She said love was never our problem? She left and i have no way other than email to contact her. I am the sole provider and we have no kids the problem i am fighting with is my job pays very well so we have about 6 fiqures in the bank in joint accounts. I know i need to protect our finances because she is not in a good state of mind right now. I have no clue where she went or if she is coming back. *This woman is my whole world and i DO NOT WANT TO LOSE HER.* I told her nothing is ever broke so bad it cant be fixed. Should i be hanging on to hope, move on or what *i cant sleep eat or function with out her*. I thought about after i freeze the accounts tomorrow sending her an email just to let her know that it was not the end and i was not trying to force her to make a dissicion but i felt like i had to do this. She has her on businees account with a little in it so i was going to leave that account alone so. Is it to soon for that? Should i email her or let her contact me? PLEASE HELP ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREAT


You have already lost catastrophically with the mindset that your post seems to suggest you possess. I'm sorry


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## BenDEBONAIR (Aug 14, 2011)

babaka001 said:


> I have read the above replies. I will tell you from personal experience that IT WILL NOT WORK again. Or it will be so hard as to be near impossible. Even if you do make it, WILL YOU LIKE AND BE PROUD OF THE PERSON YOU WILL BECOME?
> 
> Here's a short form of my story; perhpas you'll learn from it. My wife of 22 years (we have 2 kids), cheated on me last year; she lied, and lied again and again. She said she wanted to make it work, while saying she has not been in love with me for years. We tried therapy; a trip together; meaningless sex; sex therpay; talking and talking; taling to friends, relatives. yet each time, she'd lie again about telling the truth while looking directly in my eyes and calling and carrying on with her lover. We are divorcing now; she is the mother of my children and I have to provide for her, but the rest is gone. I'm getting happy again; meeting women who like me for who and what I am; who are turned on by me (and I'm 50).
> 
> ...


It will work in 8/10 cases, and the cheatee will come out a better person with a stronger character. The 2/10 failure rate discredits the process to the same degree that finding very tall women discredits the statistic that human males are usually taller than their female half. Oddly enough, it is a solid case of the exception proving the rule.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

You are NOT her "whole world", and she doesnt mind losing you.


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