# Husband said my weight affected our sex life



## A1223 (Mar 20, 2018)

I've been with my guy for 14 years, he was my first true love and I lost my virginity to him. He had been around the block and had been having sex since an early age. We moved in pretty quick and things were good. We decided to be parents and had a baby 2 yrs into our relationship. Sex after that became less and less till there were months we had no sex and eventually there was a year in which we had sex once. When I met him I was 125lbs. I am 5'8" so I was pretty skinny. After my son I went to 130lbs and stayed there a couple of years. 

He was partying every weekend with a friend and eventually lost his good paying job after missing quite a few days of work although he says they laid him off due to lack of work. Our baby was 6 months old. He suffered from depression and that became the reason He sat home for almost 5 years while I got job(s) to get us by. This took a huge toll on me enotionally and physically. I gained 20lbs and weighed 150lbs. O didnlose it and went down to 128 again but the stressed kept piling and i couldnt worry about myself with a kid who needed attention and a husband who was there but not present. After this time he got himself a low paying job and I was just happy that he was working again. 

He wasn't happy there and after much coaxing he went back to his original line of work a few years later. We got married a couple of years back thinking the worst was behind us. Sex however remained lacking. I did climb the career ladder and started making a lot more money because I am very ambitious. He started working out a lot and focussed on himself to find some happiness within him. It worked. He developed a sexy physique. Then we decided to have another baby. We were immediately blessed and while I was pregnant my hormones were driving me nuts. All those years I would keep putting myself out there and he would keep making excuses about stomach aches, depression, not feeling it. I get a lot of attention outside of home. O am a good looking woman. Even at my weight of 150lbs I got hit on all the time. The one person I wanted attention from never gave it to me. He then told me during my pregnancy that we can have a lot more sex if I got fit. 

It hurt because all the rejection over the years now seemed like was my fault for letting myself go. But I see how hard he works on himself and I told him I will get back in shape after the baby. Meanwhile he went on a work trip and had a little affair with some girl he met there. He didn't sleep with her, he is brutally honest so I believe that part but he wanted to keep talking to her so we broke up. I was 6 months pregnant and we were still living together. The pain of that time is like the pain of birth that my brain blocks me from remembering. He said he can't live without me either so he broke up with that girl over the phone as she was in another country as they only chatted for those 2 months. He said he doesnt love anyone else and he doesnt think he can love someone else and asked me to take him back. 8 months pregnant, devastated as I was, i did. 

He wants to enjoy life more and try new things which means new people. I've always been a little bicurious because I never got to try it fully with a girl before, I had dated a couple of girls here and there before meeting him. He asked if I'd be into that, I said maybe. He tried to convince me to have 3somes but I don't think it's a good idea in our position. In the months following our daughters birth, he has been caring, he is not very touchy feely but he would get things I like, he snuggles every night, we have a bit more sex. I have started going to the gym 5 days a week. I work hard and I am dedicated. I started a macros diet and I stick to it. I am seeing some results, shape is better, I've lost 7 lbs in just over a month. I feel happier doing it with myself. I deserve to take care of my body and health. I don't feel like I am doing it for him at this point. He noticed too and said he likes what he is seeing. We still have sex maybe once a week and the last 2 weeks have been not good. 

He lost sensitivity after trying to go long and I had to finish with oral. Last night same thing. I don't know what to do anymore. That same friend he partied with in the beginning is back in the city. He is an alcoholic and husband went drinking with him twice in one week, mind you came back after 2 beers but still. Last night he had drinks too before having sex and I had to finish him off with oral. Mind you I get off every time. He is good in bed but it seems like he thinks he is so hot that he should just lay back and I should constantly do all the work and when he starts doing the work he loses sensitivity. I am so done with this crap. I don't know what to do anymore. Sorry this is such a rant but it's 14 years and you gotta know how we got here to give any advice. I feel too rejected to even care about what he thinks anymore. He also said that all those years he was depressed because I had gained weight and he felt like he couldn't say anything and felt trapped. 

I killed myself putting food on the table and taking care of our child. He just sat there playing video games all day. Which means his depression was my fault, his not working because of it was my fault too, me having to work 2 jobs was my fault, me not being able to spend enough time with my child was my fault because I gained 25lbs. It makes me so angry I can't even say. Mind you he started sitting at home when I was still only 130 lbs. I call bull****. I almost wan to screw someone else, maybe open our marriage. He is a loving father but I don't feel like I love him as much anymore. Even love sometimes is not enough as it takes a back seat to how hot your body looks.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

So, your slacker party-boy husband, who's spent years playing video games while you support the family, has a history of infidelity, and cheated on you and left you while you were pregnant with his child, has decided to get fit and now blames all of the many problems in your relationship - and his entire life - on your weight? Honey, I'm 5'8" and at 150 pounds, I'm smokin' hot. I would bet you are too. And, if you're still getting hit on by other men, then I can pretty much guarantee it. 

Also he's saying all the problems in the relationship for the last 14 years are because you gained weight. But you also said he was slacking off pretty hard and also repeatedly rejecting you during the two years after your first child, _when you weighed 130 pounds_. So, apparently, he rejects you and blames things on you whether you weight 130 or 150. Given that fact, do you honestly think the real problem is your weight? 

I'm going to strongly recommend that you get into therapy with a good counselor. Work on building your self-esteem up to a healthy level. Emotionally healthy women don't put up with man-boys like your husband. They don't spend their lives twisting themselves into knots trying to please men who keep moving the goalposts. They don't do things that make themselves unhappy just to keep a man who's, objectively, not really worth keeping. 

Don't cheat and don't open the marriage. Keep your integrity and self-respect. Get more fit if you want to, but don't for a second think it's going to do anything to fix what's wrong with your marriage or your husband. Get a good therapist to help you sort yourself out. I can pretty much guarantee that once you do that, you will have an entirely different perspective on where the real issues in your marriage are coming from.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

A lot of different things there, maybe you can separate a bit?

You went from 125 to 150 pounds (and maybe back down) in 14 years, and had 2 children in that time. That doesn't sound too bad and shouldn't put off anyone who loves you. If you are in a healthy weight range now, then that is fine. If not, then for your own health you should work to get in that range. When you marry someone, its for life. No one keeps their looks after decades - but if you love someone it doesn't matter.

Maybe I'm misinterpreting, but he sounds lazy in bed. Has he always been like that? Some men do lose sensitivity, so needing oral to finish him isn't itself a bad thing if you don't mind doing it and if the rest of sex is good. Here though it sounds like the rest of sex isn't great and that he isn't doing everything he can for you.

Are you working 2 jobs and raising kids? What is he doing to hold up his end of things?

Do you still love him?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

So ... the bottom line and hear me with both ears. This is definitely not you and not your weight. I don't even know where to begin, except for how maddening it is to see the pattern play out over and over again on these boards where one partner is not pulling weight, not even a good human being in a lot of ways but the partner that is struggling, is doing all of the relationship heavy lifting and pleasing.

This dude is selfish, a cheater and has little regard for you or your feelings. 

Keep doing what you are doing with the diet, work out, work on YOU! This is not going to go well for you in the short term I'm afraid and him in the long term once/if he realizes what a dunce he is and wakes up, which will probably be too late. 

I would keep working on you and try to tend less to his needs and stop caring about so much of what he does and says. I know that will be super hard but maybe, doing you and working on you will help him see the light a little bit and reel him in to your advantage. If it doesn't that just shows you how careless and selfish the guy is. If you haven't already, make sure you talk to your most trusted friends and family to start building up a support network. 

Counseling would be a huge plus right now for you and if the worst happens between you two, it will be not just a plus for you but a necessity.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I'm sorry that you have to endure this emotional pain. I well know how rejection feels and don't like to hear that feeling is happening to s omeone else.

All of these things your husband is doing and saying I call bull****. I particularly call bull**** to those things which he is blaming on you that clearly are his own fault.

I don't blame you for not loving him as much following all of his reprehensible actions. I know that when my first wife had affairs and tried to blame it on me, the marriage was completely ruined. I had not only no attraction to her, I actually found the thought of having sex with her repulsive.

None of us will look hot for all of our lives. Aging, childbirth, too many hours, illness all play a part in that. Love cannot be based upon looking hot, or love will fail. 

I'm going to be 66 years old in two months, my wife is 63. Neither of us is hot anymore. I was never hot but she was when we were young. Over the years, I learned what love REALLY is. And besides that, even today, when she walks into our room in her bra and panties, I get erect within seconds flat and every cell in my body wants to touch, hold, kiss, and make love to her. Even the ones which don't work right anymore due to heart disease and diabetes and don't cooperate with my agenda still want to. 

I think your husband needs to learn what love really is. I don't think he has matured at all over these years as you describe.

And I can tell you and him, of a fact, that love will not be found with people outside your marriage. The only thing you will find there is lust.... Not love. Lust has never, and will never, make a marriage work. You are correct that even love is not enough, it requires respect for each other and for God, and a willingness on the part of both partners to share the successes and the failures and the associated workloads. 

Your husband, upon learning this, will find that his desire for you based upon true love will not change with looks. My desire for my wife has never changed since her "hot" days, in fact, when she is close to me, the only thing I see is that fabulously beautiful woman I met so many years ago.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

so you're a career driven, successful young woman, very attractive with a great body.

but you picked a loser and still with him????? 

no shame here from me. we all have some insecurities and make mistakes in life. some of them small, some of them big.

but he IS one of your big mistakes.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@A1223

Your story reminds me of mine. There is no fixing this marriage. What you see in your husband is who he is. You cannot change him. The only person you can change is yourself, so that's where you need to put your effort.

You are taking care of your physical health. Now also focus on your mental health. I agree with others that counseling might do you some good.

Please don't cheat or open up your marriage. You husband wants to you try a 3some so that he can cheat.

Instead liberate yourself. Get a divorce.

We women are often confused when our husband does not want sex with us. After all, we have always been told that all men just want sex all the time. So clearly it must be our fault if our husband does not want sex. Wrong! All men don't want sex all the time. Some are so self centered that sex is too much of an effort because they don't want to put the effort out to please their woman.

Men are as likely to chose to make their marriage sexless (or near sexless) as woman are. Have sex 10 or fewer times a year is considered sexless.

Here is a link to a thread that might help you. It's a very long thread, so read at least the first few pages as they provide a lot of information that might help you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I have to chime in and say that I agree with the other posters here. You are not the problem here. Neither is your weight. 

Your slacker, emotionally stunted husband is the problem. He doesn't value you. He doesn't cherish you. He... doesn't love you.

I would recommend letting go of the dead weight, i.e. your husband. If he wants to graze in other pastures so badly, tell him he is free to do so, but he can't do that and also be married to you.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

Wow, there is nothing wrong with being 5’8 150lbs after having a child. The fact that he made you feel bad about that and even blaming his depression on it is mean, shallow and shameful. It also isn’t love. 

It sounds like you are married to a child trapped in a mans body. Whenever you were working 2 jobs and he was playing video games all day was he contributing ANYTHING to your household? Maybe Watching the kid? 

I know you are angry right now but I would encourage you not to go sleep with someone else as a form of vengeance or retribution. That’s not fair to anyone involved. If that is where you are at, then let him know that you want out of the relationship and call it quits. 

Hopefully you can recover your marriage to what you would like it to be but it’s going to take some maturity and work from your husband. Only you know if he is up to it.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Put your walking boots on!


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## purplepwr53 (Mar 20, 2018)

As a guy who has been married for 27 years and who suffered from depression related to not enough sleep/working too much, I can say during those years of depression I did withdraw a lot and after recovery I could look back and see how warped my thinking was during that time. I am also a recovering alcoholic. As I read your story, I am struck with a couple of things. It sounds like your husband is still suffering from depression-he is just coping with it differently. He is self medicating, he is blaming you for his problems, and he is using you like a parasite. 

What I hear you saying is I want love and intimacy and sex from my husband. What I hear you saying about your husband is he is self centered, lazy, tries to guilt trip you, and takes advantage of your wants and needs. I work in Corrections and am well acquainted with self centered people. They only care about themselves and they use people to get what they want. So he tells you you are fat and he's not attracted to you, he has a fling when you are most vulnerable-pregnant, and now he wants a threesome. So where are the positives in this relationship?

Sex is only 1 part of a marriage. People change as they age and I can say with confidence that most people would be happy to have gained only 20 lbs in 15 years and after 2 babies. The fact that you mention being "hit"on should tell you how great you look. It sounds like you have had these relationship issues throughout your 15 years. I suggest you forget about therapy or counseling. I would stop catering to him and give him an ultimatum, change or we are done. I rec'd one myself and I have been sober for 2 years and have a job I enjoy and my children respect me now. Your husband will either change or you will find someone new who will love and cherish you for who you are.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Just wanted to drop in and let you know that he’s lying about not having had sex with that girl.

JFC, wake up and dump this loser already.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I like the ultimatum approach, if and when you are committed to following through, if that’s how it turns out.

Just a guess...

He is toxic to you.

It’s easier to blame you for everything, than to own the things about himself he doesn’t like and change. As long as you are there, he will never become a better person, and may become an even more toxic partner.

The longer you are there, the harder it will be to value yourself and treat yourself well. You will lose perspective on who you are, what you deserve, what anyone who is honest and decent deserves. You will eventually feel like all you deserve is someone like him. And, later, not even that.

The cost of maintaining the status quo, through silence or because of an unfaced fear of leaving or an unwillingness to raise the stakes and issue an ultimatum and follow through would be a lifetime of increasing sadness and loneliness. Open-ended coaxing/negotiating with him to clean up his act, trying to convince him to find some humility and own up to his mistreatment of you, including his blame shifting, is unlikely to yield anything of value and consume years and and much energy and appetite for living.

Your best hope, and his, is to commit yourself to living happy and healthy in this world, with or without him, giving and receiving the love you deserve. If your commitment to your self is strong, then he will either get with the program or not, and you will walk this journey with him or leave him behind. His choice. His opportunity, missed or earned.

Live your life. Don’t let someone bleed you dry — that solves nothing.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This really has nothing to do with you or your weight or how you look or how fit he is or how he looks. 

He is a slacker and a poor performer. 

He is irresponsible and needs something to blame for his ineptitude and you are what is handy so he blames you. If you were built like Swedish female pole vaulter he would make digs on your hair or your earlobes or say you have curled pinky toes or something. Regardless of how fit or attractive you are, he would get digs on you somehow. 

You are sensitive about your weight so he uses that as a weapon against you. 

He is simply a jerk and less than and so he lashes out at you to hurt you in an attempt to make himself feel better. 

There's is no fix for this as it is a character issue in him. There is nothing you can do that will transform him into a mature, responsible, ambitious and successful man. ...... or even a decent person. 

Your options are stay and face his put-downs and his poor performance in bed and in the workplace and in the community and realize he will likely be a serial cheater. 

Or leave and make a life of your own without him weighing you down.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> He is irresponsible and needs something to blame for his ineptitude and you are what is handy so he blames you. If you were built like Swedish female pole vaulter he would make digs on your hair or your earlobes or say you have curled pinky toes or something. Regardless of how fit or attractive you are, he would get digs on you somehow.
> 
> You are sensitive about your weight so he uses that as a weapon against you.


Outstanding!

My wife has proportionately gained a lot more than her - and I bang her like a drum. Twice so far today and I am pretty sure we have time for two more. 

I like to look her in the eyes and let her know - just look at me honey, I am not imagining another woman. I am getting off ****ing you silly. 

It makes her feel really good. Wow, does that make my day!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

A1223 said:


> Mind you I get off every time. He is good in bed but it seems like he thinks he is so hot that he should just lay back and I should constantly do all the work and when he starts doing the work he loses sensitivity.


Wait, whah? How is it that he's good in bed? 
No need to really answer the 'how' but this seems contradictory. 

_Husband said..._ 

I'm more interested in what _you_ have you said or how you responded/replied. 

Granted at the end of the day, talk is cheap. Actions count through demonstrating intimacy and sharing connection on various levels. Above all, keep your integrity in tact.


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## Steelman (Mar 5, 2018)

God in Bed? He sounds lousy in bed......


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

A man who makes you do all the work in sex is NOT good in bed. He's selfish, and a lousy sex partner.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Bloseman (Mar 26, 2020)

A1223 said:


> I've been with my guy for 14 years, he was my first true love and I lost my virginity to him. He had been around the block and had been having sex since an early age. We moved in pretty quick and things were good. We decided to be parents and had a baby 2 yrs into our relationship. Sex after that became less and less till there were months we had no sex and eventually there was a year in which we had sex once. When I met him I was 125lbs. I am 5'8" so I was pretty skinny. After my son I went to 130lbs and stayed there a couple of years.
> 
> He was partying every weekend with a friend and eventually lost his good paying job after missing quite a few days of work although he says they laid him off due to lack of work. Our baby was 6 months old. He suffered from depression and that became the reason He sat home for almost 5 years while I got job(s) to get us by. This took a huge toll on me enotionally and physically. I gained 20lbs and weighed 150lbs. O didnlose it and went down to 128 again but the stressed kept piling and i couldnt worry about myself with a kid who needed attention and a husband who was there but not present. After this time he got himself a low paying job and I was just happy that he was working again.
> 
> ...



I will give you advice on how to bring yourself to health. It will already be with you as a way of life. Find information on fasting on the Internet. To begin with, you will starve once a week with slaked soda (quenched with lemon or boiling water). This is the year. Then a little more often. Eat twice a day. Lots of green foods to eat. Vegetables, fruits eat more. Find teas and natural pills to bring health back to normal. Excess weight also appears due to the inability of internal organs to digest everything that enters it. Of the physical exercises you need to find yours. Choose from yoga, fitness, Pilates. Download homework apps for yourself and don’t stop. Keep a table where you will record your weight. For applications, you may need a converter, as 175 lbs to kg.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Zombie thread. OP has not posted. Closing.


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