# How do you get through this night mare??



## separatedmomof3 (Oct 6, 2010)

I have been with my husband for 29 years, married for 23 years and we have three amazing kids. I have known for several years that my husband was not happy I guess I never really took the time to notice how unhappy he actually was. It seems that we have grown apart, we don't have much in common anymore other than our children. His main "gripe" is that we spend most of our time on kid activities and when we are not on kid activities we are talking about the kids. He has told me many times in the past that he was unhappy and that he did not know how much longer he could stay living at our house. I guess I did not really know how unhappy he actually was. I never thought in a million years that he would throw away all we have worked so hard for and move out, boy was I wrong. On September 8th he takes the day off work and he moves out of our house. One thing I forgot to mention is that we own a business together and we spend 8 hours a day at work together and then go home together each day. The entire day he was moving out I spent at our office crying nonstop trying to register how it is going to feel when I walk into our house and he is gone.

I don't know what it is supposed to be like when you are separated and living apart all I can say is how things are with us. We work together all day and he comes to the house most nights to see the kids and eat dinner or do his laundry and then he goes to his apartment alone around 10 pm each night. He tells me that I need to spend this time and reflect on our marriage and what I am going to do to help make it better, and that he is doing the same thing each night at his apartment. I would love the luxury of being able to sit in quiet and reflect, but owning my own business, having three kids and getting up every morning at 4:30 am to go to boot camp I just don't have it in me to sit and reflect, my days are packed full. Not to mention the fact that my 16 year old has been sleeping in our bed since he left, she can't deal with it and has not wanted to be alone. It is like we are not separated at all he just leaves and sleeps at his apartment. I don't know what to make of this???? I think it is confusing for me and the kids. I know he is still unhappy in the marriage but he hates being alone at his apartment. 

I love my husband very much and I want more than anything for this marriage to work out, I just don't know what to do or how to ensure that he will come back to live with us at our house. It has only been a month since he moved out but it seems like a lifetime. We have been intimate several times since he has moved out and we are trying very hard to talk about our issues and not the kids so much but it seems after so many years we don't have much in common any more. I don't know how you go about finding common interests. I don't know how to cope with all of this and still be a good Mom to our three kids. Is this a normal separation, or is there a normal separation? Anything I should be doing to help us reconcile??? I am so lost and so confused, I want more than anything for this marriage to work out, I just don't know what to do or how to act. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!! I am totally lost and devistated


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Maybe if your days are packed full it's time to sell the business?

I know what business' are like - they are seriously like a child of their own.

If it's your only means of livelihood, by no means am I suggesting that you go out and "get a job", esp. in this market. . .but your marriage does sound a lot like mine that is ending - all work and no play.

We went to counseling many years ago and a counselor noticed there are two types of couple that fail.

More commonly, it's two "Partyers". They do drugs together. They swing. They drink. Then finances catch up with them. A 3-some catches up with them. Something. And it all comes unraveled. Their marriage was just about fun and thrills. No partnership. Never an adult goal like a healthy portfolio, a paid off home, college educations for kids. Then they end in therapy wondering what went wrong and why is not life the way they thought it would be.

Of course, hubby blames wifey and wifey blames hubby for where they are at.

It couldn't possibly be both of their faults.

Then, there's perhaps you and I. This is more rare in American society. The therapist said we were all about serious things.. You love your work. You love your business. You love your kids. YOu tend and toil to all 3. But the marriage gets neglected. And everything is about making a living, instead of just living.

Of course, hubby blames wifey (like you are getting) and you blame hubby for where they are at.

Hey, I am just talking out my bottom here. . .I don't know your situation but the fact he and you are intimate, you aren't in any financial trouble, and you have healthy kids. . .I think this is salvable, if you perhaps find the lifestyle you could both compromise on.

The funny thing about businesses - the purpose of any business is to sell it for a profit. That's why it exists.

Maybe it's time to cash out and go home with your chips.

The key will be getting him to communicate about why he's disappointed where his life is right now and why he's unhappy. He may need a therapist to bring that to a boil and to admit it. 

The key for you will be accepting that this has nothing to do with you as a person, or perhaps you as a wife, but rather the choices you made together as a couple. You have to get out of the self-blaming mode and into a "work mode." Complicating this even more, it may be hard for him to verbalize what's making him unhappy b/c he does love you and doesn't want to hurt you.

GOod luck.


----------



## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

I have been married seven years and we have a 5 and 3 year old. My husband and I talk for an hour and a half the other day and he expressed to me that he was worried we had changed and the spark was gone since we haven't spent ALLOT of time doing things we used to when we didn't have children.

He's deployed and under intense stress right now with his job, feels like he has nothing to look forward to. I made it very clear I have not changed, that every thing I loved to do before the kids I STILL love to do now. That with them getting older we can get back to hiking, camping, boating, playing games, having more one on one couple time. We ended the conversation laughing and making all kinds of plans for when he gets back.

I haven't been married as long as you and think you have made your marriage last fantastically but now maybe he just wants more of his woman  Make a date, take him out bond threw laughter and warmth and grow in old enjoyments and new found interests. Share your experiences invite him to your activities and ask to be involved in his.


----------



## separatedmomof3 (Oct 6, 2010)

Thanks so much for the replies, it really helps to get someone else's point of view.

At this point selling our business is not an option. We own a professional service company and this is all we do, this business is our sole income and our retirement. So on that end things will not change.

We have started spending alot more time alone together, I bought tickets for a Ranger game and suprised him at his apartment and picked him up for the game, we have gone to dinner with adult friends, out to the movies and even as simple as having a glass of wine alone in our hot tub was wonderful. We discussed that it would be fair to spend one family weekend and then one weekend with date night so that would at least give us two weekends a month of one on one time. he mentioned a few days ago that he thought we should be spending even more alone time, I don't really know how we would do that with three kids in multiple activities, the demands of our company and me having to get up every morning at 4:30 am. I am trying really hard here but I seem to get really down, and dissapointed in how things are gonig.

I guess only time will tell. Thanks so much for the help!


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

All I know is that a lot may pivot on your ability to find some alone time to connect.

Your marriage is the most important business you run and you need to make accomodations for that first.

If you doubt that it's your most important business, consider that your partner can and will take half of the income and assets upon divorce and THAT"S EXACTLY how the courts view a divorce - nothing more than a final business transaction. They don't care one iota about your drama.

I wish couples like you and us could have formed a "cooperative" of some sort where you trade kids during certain nights of the month.

This kind of begets a separate topic that I have been meaning to run:

What role do Grandparents/extended family play in the health of a marriage?

I'll run this topic on the parenting forum since it extends beyond divorce.


----------



## separatedmomof3 (Oct 6, 2010)

I totally agree spending more time together now is pivitol to our relationship. We are both trying to plan fun and exciting things for us to do together.

If we were to separate and split 50/50 that is ok with me. Our business is something that we started together and neither one of us could have built it up to where it is now if it had not have been for the other. I just can't imaging him running it without me and I am not licensed so I could not run the business without him, he would definately get the business.

Idontknownow - I am sorry to hear your husband is deployed, that puts a whole different spin on everything. I think now would not be the time to make life changing decisions. Wait for him to come back and spend some time together re-connecting and then begin to work on things. I wish you luck and him safety while he is deployed.


----------

