# Need Help-Constant fighting-am I the cause?



## vac1980 (Sep 10, 2013)

I've been married for 2.5 years and with my husband for about 4.5 years. We had a baby last December. Since having our daughter, I feel like our arguments have escalated in severity and frequency. We seem to argue about EVERYTHING. I just can't figure out why. 

Has anyone else experience more fighting when a child came along? I mean, our daughter is relatively easy, she sleeps well ,pretty even tempered so I don't think its exhaustion or sleep deprivation. 

A little background...I work full-time, my husband goes to school 2 days a week and watches our daughter the other days. Latest argument (and one of the most severe to date..at least in my husband POV):

Yesterday I took the day off from work to take our daughter to her 9 month dr's appt. My husband had school until 3pm and then went to a personal training session at 4pm. He had told me that he had a REALLY bad day at school and it was obvious he was in a bad mood. He got home around 5pm and pretty much immediately went to the bedroom and laid down. Around 6pm, he woke up and my daughter and I went in to hang out with him. I was talking about an errand I needed to run and asked if he would go with me to which he said he did not feel like going anywhere, which was fine, next I said, ok then I'm going to leave our daughter with you so I can run my quick errand, and he said can't you take her with you. I said it will only be 30 minutes, and I just don't want to have to get her in and out of the car (me thinking that I'm perfectly willing to take care of her all night if he can just watch her for 30 minutes) and his response was "I was hoping for a little alone time". 

Well, this made me exceptionally angry because not only had he been gone all day and I had been with our daughter all day, but he had already gone to a training appt and also napped in the bedroom. The he got angry at me for getting angry with him and the whole thing spun into a HUGE argument where he absolutely refused to believe that I had a valid reason to get upset and it was all me. Fast forward to today and we are still not really speaking and we had a brief phone call where I tried to just say I'm sorry for fighting but he accused me of not being genuine in my apology and he still refuses to believe that I had any right to be angry. He says I am not empathetic because I couldn't see that he had just had a really bad day and I shouldn't have been unwilling to take our daughter (which I did end up taking her). I was being insensitive and uncaring.

We have had several arguments over what he sees as my lack of affection toward him (which I will admit I do struggle with physical affection and saying I love you, a life long struggle) and he also accuses me of always thinking he is the bad guy in a situation. I on the other hand, think that we both play our parts in arguments and I am just as guilty sometimes, but in this case, I feel he is bringing other resentments into this argument and simply refuses to see my side. Am I wrong? Was I insensitive in this case? I just need to figure out if I truly am the root cause of our fighting.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Some men don't cope well when a baby's needs usurp them. Your husband sounds like one of them, at least from the encounter you describe.

I have no tolerance for that B.S. No apology would be forthcoming from me.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I hope you can find some good books and resources that help you and your husband.

Please be very patient with him during this time. New fatherhood is so much harder than most men and women realize it will be.

If you are showing him that you love your new baby more than you love him, no matter if you meant to convey this or not, your husband is going to start withdrawing from you. He can't help it. 

A man will never want to be *replaced* by his child.

And a child-centered marriage can easily end up in divorce court.

Please read up on these topics. I'm not saying you don't have plenty of valid reasons for being upset, you need more help, etc. I'm just hoping you'll learn the very BIG lesson that some of us didn't learn when we had the chance.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Are you THE cause? Based on your side of the story here, I'd say no, you're not the only cause. It doesn't seem unreasonable (speaking as a father of 2) that your husband could be asked to look after his own child while you get out of the house and run some errands. But it sounds like the two of you have other issues as well, while may be contributing to blossoming resentments. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm with pbear there is resentment there and until you deal with that you will continue to fight over life in general.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

It sounds like maybe you are falling into the new parent trap of "keeping score" and it only builds resentments. You need to find out how your husband is really doing with parenting, school, etc. Try being a little understanding and focus on his needs for awhile. It may be tough but see if focusing on him for a bit will lead things to calm down and hopefully he will be more willing and open to help meet your needs.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Yeah I don't get this, I mean her life changed too. Somehow she gave birth and is keeping it together.

IDK... 
I'm sorry.

The only experience I have with this is a very close friend who had 2 boys (twins) and he just couldn't handle it. Really he was out all night, sneaking around.. leaving the kids unattended. BUT he kept shifting the blame to his GF. I think I spent MONTHS explaining to this guy that unless he gets his act together she has a right to do whatever she wants. They are back together and are doing a lot better.

Question is- how old is this guy? Was the pregnancy planned?


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## TLC CONFUSED (Sep 10, 2013)

Well I'm in a marriage now for 9 years with similar daily fights but no kids involved. You are still young and have a baby to think about and teach what is acceptable behavior for when they grow up. Do you want your child to take that crap. I see several issues just from your short story he is going to school and them a personal trainer and doesn't work??? is he wealthy on his own or are you supporting him and raising your child alone!!!! And he says YOUR insensitive that is a ploy to beat you down and make you feel obligated to them so that he will eventually become more and more demanding of you and less and less helpful in the relationship get prepared to raise your child and him as well... Just sayin I can give all this advise and wisdom but here I am 9 years later still taking it but I have put my exit into place you shouldn't wait 9 years hoping it will get better, take your child and run don't use your child as the excuse to take this. Use your child as a reason to get out and find better!!!!


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