# Told my wife I don’t love her and want to seperate



## kevster99 (May 19, 2018)

Hi all,

Apologies in advance for the long post. I don’t really know what I am after - whether it’s advice, other opinions, or just to say this out loud and see what happens. 

Just this week, following an argument - I told my wife that I think we should separate and that I would be happier without us being together. 

We’d also had a similar conversation 2 months ago, when I said I was unhappy with our relationship. Following that chat, we spoke about doing some things and generally ‘trying’ - but, I feel I tried for a bit, but then just completely checked out. More so than ever. I was still there, I was still in the house helping, sleeping and so on. But I wasn’t really in the relationship. My conversations were less effort than I gave to my friends (or even strangers)

All of this, is made all the worse because we have a 6.5 month old baby together. I adore my daughter to bits and I don’t know if part of the reason this has come up for me now is because I’m worried about her seeing me coasting through life. Rather than living life, or being truly happy. 

My wife thinks these separation conversations are a sign of me suffering from some form of post-natal depression. I am going to speak with someone regarding this, but I feel the issues are longer running. 

In hindsight (and maybe that’s a broken hindsight of now) I feel my issues are longer running. And that I have always had some questions or concerns as to whether, deep down out outlooks or values are different. We have been happy in the past (we’ve been together for 7 years, married for 2.5) but I just don’t know where I am right now - or the past 2 years or so in particular. 

I have no desire to have sex with my partner, very little desire to give her casual affection on a day-to-day basis (which understandably leaves her unhappy). Even now, as she has been crying in the house, or at me or near me - I feel myself caring surpassingly little about this, about resolving it or fixing it. 

I am actively throwing myself into my work as I have little desire to be home with my wife. 

I really don’t know if I am just being an idiot, or whether my not caring and checking out is my way of saying - I don’t want to be in this. Even if I don’t have a great single answer such as saying ‘she cheated on me’. I’m stuck in this constant place of ‘what do I want’ and ‘how do I even know what I want’. 

I’ve been trying to think this through and asking ‘would I be happier on my own?’ And feel like my current answer for the past few months is ‘yes, I would’. But again, I don’t know if I’m being an idiot or what. 

We’re going to see a marriage counsellor next week, but I already feel little desire to try and fix things, beyond having a trial separation and seeing how I feel (and if I suddenly feel desire for her again). 

Like I said - I don’t really know what I am asking or after. But putting it out there anyway for anyone’s thoughts. 

All thoughts or help is greatly appreciated! My wife is hoping someone is going to simply say ‘you’re an idiot, sort yourself out’ so feel free to say that if that’s what you feel

Many thanks in advance for your help

Kev


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Sorry once you have a child, you don't just check out. Its not clear what the problems are, and whether they can be addressed but I think you owe to your child, and your marriage to try. When you fastforward a decade and you have spent 90,000 arguing over visitation, custody and other issues, you realize that divorce has its consequencess.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

*Re: Told my wife I don’t love her and want to seperate*

Welcome to the forum. We have lots of great people, and hopefully we can help you some. Also, encourage your wife to join and start her own thread. 

Let me preface what I'm about to say so it doesn't come across as harsh. In your opening post there isn't much reason/detail given as to why you are unhappy and leaving. Perhaps when we hear these, we can tailor our advice better. I'll ask a few questions to get us started. 

How old are the two of you? Why did you decide to marry? What (besides the pregnancy and baby) has changed since you put a ring on it? What specifically about her has changed that makes you no longer desire to be her husband and partner?

A pregnancy and a baby could most certainly be the reasons you are feeling this way. You had your wife and her body all to yourself for 6 years. Then suddenly EVERYTHING changes. From weight, to body shape, to mood, to desire, to stress level, to exhaustion level and to responsibility level and on and on....it has all changed. So she is right, it could very well be your minds way of coping with all of this. Escape most of it by leaving your wife...YIKES!

If there are no real tangible reasons (cheating, fighting, abuse, addiction etc) then if you leave without giving it more than a few months of effort, I must say that would be really crappy. You gave vows, and made a child with this woman. If you decide to walk because you are "floating", what kind of person does that make you? Someone that should remain single forever after this because you will bail as soon as things aren't quite as rosey as they once were? What will _that_ teach your daughter? Ponder on those questions quite a bit.

Don't throw away your new wife and half of your child's life so easily. They are not disposable plates. I'm glad you are seeking counseling, but you do have to be willing to try. I look forward to more details so we can better help you. Sorry you are here, but I hope we can help.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

kevster99 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Apologies in advance for the long post. I don’t really know what I am after - whether it’s advice, other opinions, or just to say this out loud and see what happens.
> 
> ...


You’re an idiot,sort yourself out.
Did that help?
You haven’t given one real reason other than you “feel” that you would be happier on your own.You now for the first time in your life have someone who depends on YOU.She is six and a half months old and you want to walk away from her.
What kind of man are you?
Is the feeling of responsibility scaring you or what is the real reason for your need to abandon your wife and family.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that you are the problem are the changes in your life with a pregnant wife and then a new baby is the issue.

You sound apathetic and depressed. There does not seem to be any real complaint except that you feel somehow empty and don't like your wife. You seem to have no real direction in all this. When a person is depressed, it's easy to put all the blame on the other person.

You say that you have no desire to fix your marriage. But you clearly also have no desire to fix yourself or your life. If you leave this marriage in your current state of mind, what's goign to catapult you into becoming a better version of yourself? If you cannot do it where you are, you cannot do it anywhere.

So.. i suggest that you start working on yourself and stop putting the blame on your wife. 

Do you work out? I ask because it's one of the most effective forms of anti depressant.

When the first child comes along in a marriage, it typically greatly changes the relationship between the parents. This is because there is this tiny little person who sucks all the energy out of both of you, but expecially the mother. If you and your wife do not work to restructure your marriage into a new, healthy relationship, you get exactly what you have... a mess.

If you think life sucks right now, wait until you don't get to see your child for days, even weeks on end. Wait until you divorce your wife and she marries another man how gets to spend more tim with your child than you do. Oh, adn don't forget the years of chidl support. Is that enough of a kick in the ass to get you to work on your marriage and give a hoot?

Get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" and read them with your wife and work on your marriage. You can fix your marriage, get out of this depression and have a happy, passionate marriage.

People think that love is a feeling. It's not. It's a verb. It's an action that you choose to do eveyr day. Or you can continue as you are and just choose to not love... to not act... 

You are depressed. Start working to shed your depression.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

*Re: Told my wife I don’t love her and want to seperate*

* have no desire to have sex with my partner*

and yet you brought a baby into this world.

I can imagine that a woman who had some sort of sense of the marriage (even if it wasn't rock solid with problems) got pregnant (assuming it wasn't an "accident") carried around the child for 9 months, gets hit with this kind of news will be re-evaluating the situation trying to make sense of it.

Even now you're beta male'ing your way out of the marriage. Stop prevaricating and put the woman out of her misery.

This is a death by a thousand cuts. Your man enough to bring a child into the world with a woman you don't want, whom you are now anchored to for life.

Smarten up and make concrete decisions and stop playing around. Either commit to the marriage or don't.


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## kevster99 (May 19, 2018)

Thank you for all the replies. Truly, I appreciate the help. To try and answer the questions as best I can:

We are 33 and 32

I am aware that I’ve not given a real reason other than ‘i feel I’d be happier’ and this is the bit I am truly struggling with he most. 

There are parts of me that feel like I am able to be less of myself when with her. I don’t feel this is something from the last 6 months alone, but longer running. 

My wife has some anger issues. Which we have discussed and tried working on in the past, and likewise, I have (unhelpfully, I realise) reached a point where I am modifying my behaviour so I am more withdrawn, rather than walking on eggshells (e.g if she does get angry with me, I just become passive or submissive). 

There are clearly communication problems we still have. I am, normally, much more open to talking about feelings and how I feel - whereas my wife does not. We have tried working on this in the last (without professional help, i should add). 

There were some questions about if I am suffering from depression - which I do not feel qualified to answer. So will try and seek some help to answer that. I do work out and am at the moment currently loving my work etc. And so am not completely apathetic to life, but unsure if that has any meaning. 

I truly am not (or at least I feel not) trying to blame my wife for these things. I fully realise these are my things and am looking to get more understanding, at the very least

Thanks once again for the help and questions, i appreciate it


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

*Re: Told my wife I don’t love her and want to seperate*

Yup, it sounds like depression has reared its ugly head in your life. Get meds for your lack of feelings and thinking that leaving a 6 month old will make you happier. That is messed up. You need professional help dude. Your poor wife. You should have her snd your child's back, but instead they have a miserable hollow shell of a man they cannot rely on. The fear and helplessness the mother of your child is going through should crush your heart, but you are too hollow to notice. Thst right there is not normal. 

Not feeling sensitive towards the pain and suffering of the woman you should, love, cherish, and be grateful she gave you a beautiful healthy child should scare you chitless and make you run to your doctor's office to get help. Instead, you have checked out and have dilusions that you eill be happier if you bailed. 

That is crazy and depressive to hear. Living it is hell. 

I hope you are dtrong enough to run out of your house and get help! You desperately need it.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Told my wife I don’t love her and want to seperate*

Is there a woman turning your head at work?

You did say that you're pouring yourself into your work so you can avoid being home with your wife.

Maybe your wife needs anger management and you could both use some MC for better communication between you.

But be honest with yourself... if you're always eyeing greener grass you're going to want to be on that side. It's best to put the work into the side you already own that needs watering.

Both of you need to be completely invested in making the marriage work. For the sake of your young child, I hope that you would try your best first and exhaust options before feeling that you need to pull the plug.

I'm not anti-divorce at all, but I do believe in doing your utmost to first work on issues rather than run from them. That is, if the issues are workable, acknowledged by you both, and overseen by a therapist.

Why, precisely, do you not desire sex with your wife?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

*Re: Told my wife I don’t love her and want to seperate*

Thank you for responding. You are resentful of your wife's anger. Does she belittle you or emotionally and verbally abuse you when she has her anger issues? That will truly help us understsnd why the love is dying in your heart for her. 

What exactly is it that makes you want to pull the plug in your marriage? There could be more thsn one reason. Your reaction to withdraw from a situation you have tried to work on to no avail would be a normal one. If her anger has done this, then you can't fix HER problem. You can help, but she must do the bulk of the work to fix this. 

There seems to be some blameshifting going on becsuse your communication is broken. Hopefully it is not beyond repair. You honestly have pretty much checked out already. I hope this works out for what is best for the 3 of you.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

*Re: Told my wife I don’t love her and want to seperate*

Don't worry about it Dawg. She'll inevitably find out you ai'nt nothing special replace you with a man that can work all day, help with the house work, repair stuff, and still make two you you in the romance department.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Re: Told my wife I don’t love her and want to seperate*



kevster99 said:


> Thank you for all the replies. Truly, I appreciate the help. To try and answer the questions as best I can:
> 
> We are 33 and 32
> 
> ...


You know I am not a vet but I know what a dog looks like. 

Hey buddy, guess what, you are depressed, get it? The only issue is what type of depression it is so you can get the proper meds for it. 

And you also, sorry, need to grow up already, you are over 30. Life is now butterflies and rainbows forever.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Wife has anger issues to the point you say you are walking in eggshells and have modified your behavior to avoid her anger. I think this is likely the cause of your negative feelings about the relationship, not "depression".


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

How much of your anger is at your wife? Conversely, how angry are you with yourself for tolerating such behavior, and then consequently projecting that anger onto your wife?

Have you ever learned how to appropriately communicate boundaries and consequences? It does not sound like you have.

You, sir, have some growing up to do. I am not suggesting your wife isn't an *******...as she very may well be. But she is not the problem here. I would suggest the book Hold On To Your N.U.T.'s by Wayne Levine. 

People will treat you exactly how you allow them to. Guess who bears responsibility for this? You.

If you don't sort this out now, you will run into exactly the same thing in your next relationship. However, if you work on becoming better at communicating what you will and will not tolerate, it might just save your marriage...and perhaps something even more important...you may just save yourself.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I agree with a lot of the sentiments here. Having a baby is a life altering event that effects you in many ways, most of which you are not even consciously aware of. Many people experience a hard time having any love and emotional connection left for their spouses aft the baby comes. So I think what you both are experiencing is very normal and does get easier with time and EFFORT. 

The first thing I suggest is MC. You need help in the communication department and also understanding where the anger and resentment are coming from. The key is openness and honesty on all fronts. A good therapist can help with all this and give you a concrete plan to make improvements.

You're a father now, all that matters is whats best for your daughter, not your feelings.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Its resentment over her angry controling personaility. 

And you let it go on to the point of indifference. Unfortunately probably no going back. 

Nothing wrong with divorcing . Just be a kick ass dad.


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## kevster99 (May 19, 2018)

Many thanks for the replies all, I truly appreciate the help - or even just vocalising this and unpacking it some more. So truly, thanks for your time (maybe less thanks to VladDracul)
@farsidejunky - I have ordered the book you mentioned to check it out. So thank you for the recommendation, had not come across this book before

Following the numerous comments, I am also looking to speak with someone to understand if it could be depression. I’m British and so it’s more of a taboo/stigmatised thing in the UK I feel (compared to North America), and so this thought honestly never crossed my mind...

I’m doubtful any one of these will be a single thing, that solves it all. But will hopefully be a start. Maybe it helps, maybe it doesn’t. Will have to see. My desire is to be in a happy place, so that my daughter does grow up seeing (hopefully) two happy parents. If that’s us together or apart is somewhat less important than ensuring she sees her parents happy (which, I fully understand is a view not all share)


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