# Ex is manipulating the kids ...



## ForeverLost (Jun 6, 2013)

not sure if this is the right spot for this post but ..

I've posted on here before, years ago, about being in an abusive relationship. I finally grew a brain and lady balls and left him in 2013. I took our two kids, went into a womens shelter, made rcmp reports on recent abuse. Community(rcmp, psychiatrists etc decided that it was in my best interest to leave town as it was high risk for "homicide-suicide if i didn't) I moved to a town a couple hours away with my parents. My son is 5 years old and my daughter will be 10 years in a month. I moved to a town an hour closer to my ex to be with my current BF.
I have some lasting issues from the years of various abuse. And I will post in various threads appropriate to my issues rather than posting everything here.

I am struggling with co-parenting with my ex. He's a very difficult person to deal with. Our communication is restricted to email or text, even when he picks up/drops of the kids there's a third party involved. Usually it's my new boyfriends mom who does it. It used to be My boyfriend but then my ex started an argument with him during one of the exchanges and since that we have been using my BFs mom. 
After the argument my ex turned around and called MCFD on us stating "unclean home" knowing that that will get a home visit right away. Him and his father had called a couple previous times stating the same thing. The worker showed up and had no issues or concerns about our home and any further complaints from my ex or his father will result in legal action by MCFD. 
Since I moved in with my BF my EX has been "brainwashing" the kids. My son comes back from his alone visits with my ex saying "when i'm old enough i'm moving with dad" .. "my dad's an important guy" ... "My dad says when I'm 10 I'm allowed to live with him" and all kinds or diff variations of the same topic.
My daughter has also randomly said that he's bribing her to go live with him and saying she can even bring her dog. He goes into the bathroom while shes having a bath and "inspects her feet" to see how dirty they are, washes her hair for her. She's almost 10, shes been washing her own hair for two years .. She's also hit puberty early and developing breasts already IMO it's inappropriate for him to be doing this. 
My ex has already been told that he's not to be asking the kids about living conditions and has been told what NOT to be asking the kids or talk about in front of them. We were both told and it states in our separation agreement that we're not to manipulate the children against the other parent. But him and his father are clearly doing the opposite of that. My daughter came home a few weeks ago saying "grampa hugged me and told me "make the right choice and choose your dad"" 
I am not sure how to deal with the situation.  
Anyone else going/gone through this? Advice?


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## Homer j (Jan 6, 2016)

No and I hope I never do. All I can say is document for your attorney. He should know what to do.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

You can't do much about what your ex or his parents say to your children, but you can do much about making sure you have a strong, open relationship with your children, be consistent, loving, and caring, and no one will be able to take them away from you. 

Well, hopefully. You never know what can happen but you can work on the things you can control and shrug your shoulders at the things you can't. 

If they really cross lines then perhaps you can take legal actions but as far as them saying those sorts of things to the kids, which is akin to brainwashing- there's not much if anything the courts can do for all practical purposes.


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## ForeverLost (Jun 6, 2013)

Thanks for replying. 
I am working on building a stronger relationship with my kids. My daughter being the oldest witnessed a lot of the abuse and she herself was also a target - which is what made me finally leave. And she's made up her mind already. She's stated she doesn't even like him or going there, the only reason she sees him is because "he buys her stuff". 

Part of me wants to write an email confronting him on the things he's saying to the kids and forward to both mine and his lawyer (as we've been advised to do with a lot of our issues). Then that way it's also brought to there attention. But I'm not sure if that's a good idea or not...

I need to get my son into counselling because of everything thats gone on. Stuff he's witnessed, heard and now with the manipulation ... he's developing his father temper and habits already


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

ForeverLost said:


> Part of me wants to write an email confronting him on the things he's saying to the kids and forward to both mine and his lawyer (as we've been advised to do with a lot of our issues). Then that way it's also brought to there attention. But I'm not sure if that's a good idea or not...


Probably a waste of time. And money.


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## ForeverLost (Jun 6, 2013)

Unfortunately I think you're right. It sucks cause he's getting away with being manipulative and turning the kids against me, yet i say one thing he doesn't like and he calls the ministry on me.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

ForeverLost said:


> Unfortunately I think you're right. It sucks cause he's getting away with being manipulative and turning the kids against me, yet i say one thing he doesn't like and he calls the ministry on me.


The kids often figure out out and it backfires against the alienator. 

Be supportive, be loving, be consistent with your children, and give it time.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Yes, my first husband did the very same with my kids. He had an affair and his lady friend told him she didn't want to help with his children so he told me he would not demand visitation and left town, vanished for 2 years. My oldest daughter was absolutely heart broken, this was her hero. His lover dumped him and he came back in our children's lives, my daughter was tickled. Sadly though ex could not admit to why he had left and started making up lies about me and telling these things to our children. Not only did it take away from them knowing the truth about him but he tried to show that he had reason to leave and that I was a terrible person. they would come back from a visit with them asking me if I did this or that which I had not done. I would correct it and I even confronted him on several occasions but every time I confronted him it made things worse.

There is something now that you can get supervised visits thru the state. I am not sure exactly what you have to do for these. This did not exist when my girls were small. I would definitely look into this and see if you can get this for your children. The lies and manipulation are very destructive. It plants a seed and if your each is the "sweet charming" conman like mine he will find a way to justify his lies. My know their dad dad is not dependable, they have seen how he lives, they have witnessed his lies yet they still struggle with his charm. I am more straight forward, to the point while he plays games with their heads. I think the charm keeps them trapped in kind of a sick mind-set. My oldest and I have struggled with our relationship but I know she sees more than he wants to accept, if that makes sense. She is now 35 and still daddy's girl but it has been hard.

It really kills me when parents do these things to their children. The children are put in this tug-of-war game that is all about the parent who cannot share the love of this child with their ex partner. It is very sad to watch and be a part of. As the parent on the other side you so want to protect that child and realize at the same time that they are entitled to a relationship with their mother/father but the lies cause so much damage and it is all needless!


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