# 20 years Empty Nesting wife is meh!



## 20_yeas_plus (Mar 28, 2019)

Happily married 20+ years, two great jobs, three kids in college another starting next year. 

About me:
46 worked out my whole life, but it catches up with you, joints hurt, back hurt, that is what happens to many who lifted heavy, so I don't lift anymore (2 years). I'm not out of shape, but I'm not "Big Doug" like I used to be. 6'1 225 nowadays just trying to get leaner since big won't be happening lol.

I am the (now typical) super involved dad, college test prep all the kids, college visits, sports, making sure they get into good schools and at least have a fighting shot out there. My wife was always a little more "It will work out". I'm not patting myself on the back, but if it wasn't for alot of research the kids wouldn't be in the schools they are in, but that is my wife, and she is awesome.

Now I will admit I'm taking the Empty Nest part harder than she is. I've been the one super involved since they were crawlers, so as each one goes away I do talk about them alot and openly admit how much they will be missed. Isn't that normal?

That is not to say the wife and I haven't been super close too.

Surprise trips 2010, 2013, surprise car, nice house, flowers, planned date night (with fireworks), we have always been super close, but always a great team but we recently had a interesting conversation that came out of left field for me.

**
Essentially she said "She wants sex to be spontaneous? Thrilling? Unexpected and not planned.....while I agree with that statement wholeheartedly! We are not 20 and once our last child leaves it may be that way, but currently I don't see how that happens. We are only home at night together and obviously, that isn't thrilling or spontaneous enough nor is date night with a hotel. 

So, as I think about this I question what the true issue is. Is it boredom? Is it she wants something different? Is it butterflies and passion of a young relationship? We have toys, blindfolds, and you name it, so we usually have very fulfilling evenings on date night, but I can't just produce this spontaneous, movie 20 years old sex she says she seeks?

I worry! This truly feels like a divide. 

Issue number #2 

I am analytical, structured, data, non fiction, dependable, research, the person you want to plan a trip, make a plan, a purchase, a informed decision. I love the mountains, cool weather, very fair skinned don't particularly like the sun at all, and prefer a good book (digital), Ted Talk, or something informative while she is more of a free spirit. Volunteer, people, wing it because it will work out, I'm not worried about it, loves the beach, loves the sun, dark tan from just a a day in the sun it seems. 

So, we have always complimented each other, so to speak. Now I wonder if our differences that worked so well during marriage, raising kids, and planning a future now look like something she isn't interested in. My quieter analytical focused mindset vs her free spirited wing it beach loving attitude for lack of a better word.

She swears she loves me forever etc etc, but IDK feels funny.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Tell her to get a BF on the side if she wants spontaneous, kinky and new. That's unrealistic. I think you're doing fine. However, it is not unusual to look at each other across the table once the kids are gone and say to each other...."who the hell are you?"


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think it is pretty normal after having spent so many years together to start reevaluating the relationship particularly when the kids move on because now it will only be the two of you.
There is nothing wrong about being opposites at all, it usually works better than way. I think your wife just wants to go back to the way you were before the kids, spice it up a little, spend more time together etc. Nothing wrong with that either, if she wasn't into you, she wouldn't have bothered bringing it up, believe me. 
BTW she is also responsible to bring the pizzazz into the relationship, it is not just your job. So raise the topic again and ask her what her suggestions are, she cannot broach a topic and not have ideas.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You have already demonstrated that you are great planner. And you are!

Now, I want you to continue to be a great planner with regard to sex-capades.

Make a long and secret list of places and ways you can surprise her sexually.

Then when the time and place meet the parameters on your list then carry out the mission.

For example, take her for a walk in the woods, bring a backpack full of food and water, a bottle of wine. 

Bring a blanket and some large baby wipes to clean her up when done.

Rent a van or a boat and use that as a sex opportunity.

Take her to some secluded place and go skinny dipping.

While remaining a gentleman, hug her and kiss her in public and in private. When she least expects it.

Switch up your sexual positions and routines.

When in doubt consult your secret list.

Oh, be prepared for the eventual questions!

Ah....Where did you learn that from?

Where did this come from? 

Who taught you that?

Tell her it is merely spontaneous combustion in action!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Can she not initiate with the 'exciting and spontaneous?' Why does it all have to be down to you? I think that you need to sit down and talk about it and what she actually means. How she wants it played out.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

20_yeas_plus said:


> Happily married 20+ years, two great jobs, three kids in college another starting next year.
> 
> About me:
> 46 worked out my whole life, but it catches up with you, joints hurt, back hurt, that is what happens to many who lifted heavy, so I don't lift anymore (2 years). I'm not out of shape, but I'm not "Big Doug" like I used to be. 6'1 225 nowadays just trying to get leaner since big won't be happening lol.
> ...


Read to her what you wrote here and ask her.Say Huh? Did you miss something? Tell her that telling you sex is not spontaneous is pretty much saying our sex life is rote and routine i.e.--- boring for her. Ask her does she have something else to say? 

Just drill down on that,


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Almost sounds like a prelude to an even more disconcerting conversation.

But hey, maybe I’ve just been hanging around here too long.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Hey 2YP,

I'm in your shoes almost exactly right now. 1 daughter in college and one about to go. The difference is I am your wife and my wife is you.

Your wife doesn't have some issue that you need to sort in numerical order, crunch, analyze, and synergize. 

What she wants is to know that you want and desire her. She doesn't want your desire for her to be a function of your daily planner.

In short ...... she wants your passion.

She isn't looking to blow your relationship up, run around, seek a boyfriend, get other male attention, cause you distress or any of that other mess. 

Trust me ..... she loves you.

Stop talking about the kids for once in your life and talk to her ...about her....about the two of you together.....about how your excited for your upcoming time together.

She only wants to know that you will choose HER ..... instead of everything else for once.

She is looking forward to it, she is trying to tell you what she is hoping for from you so be sure to give it to her.

Put your brain away and get your heart out ........ then give it to HER.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Send your wife a text consisting of two words. 
“Wanna ****”
That should be spontaneous enough.


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