# Guide for husbands?



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I don't know if anyone has been to this website. 

Articles

It's a Christian website for men, to basically be a better husband. I just read this page (above link). And I thought it was so good and helpful and really nailed my husband and I communication problems to a T. 

Just thought I would share it


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> I don't know if anyone has been to this website.
> 
> Articles
> 
> ...


Oh, yes. I have linked that site many, many times.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Is there a Jewish version?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

That website is what my husband read (actually listened to the author's CDs) that started him changing to improve his side of the marriage.

However, for it to have an impact, the husband has to realize he has played a role in damaging the marriage.

Do you consider yourself a "hardened wife"?

The two books Ele recommended, His Needs, Her Needs, and Love Buster, combined with the Ultimate Husband material on the website can do wonders for any marriage in trouble.

You said you are the angry, dominant one, while your husband is passive.

After you read the article linked below, do you thing that either or both of you fall into that dynamic?

http://www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Herschel said:


> Is there a Jewish version?


I looked at the article. It's the same God. Some quotes from Old Testament. It will work for you too. :smile2:


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Take out the religion, and it's surprisingly accurate. A lot of women are like this, and a lot of men simply don't understand it till it's too late, if ever.

I don't think this communication/emotion/defensiveness dynamic is limited to the man/woman roles either. I'm sure this dynamic can happen the opposite way too, and in gay relationships as well.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I don't know if anyone has been to this website.
> 
> Articles
> 
> ...


I confess, I become annoyed my some advice, and it is not really reasonable of me. Many on this site will give the same solution to every wife and the same to every husband. As a blog, it can only give one piece of advice.

This blog is saying "Do not be an insensitive idiot". What it does well is break it down so that it can really save a marriage on two conditions:
- The man really does want to save the marriage, be a better husband and is open the change.
- The man really is an insensitive idiot and that is the major root cause is the martial problems.

When I write "insensitive idiot" it is rather dismissive. In truth, we all of us have big blind spots, most of all those who think they do not. That page can be excellent medicine for the right patient with the right disease. 

These are caveats to what I agree is sound advice.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The website gives great advise assuming all marital issues can be attributed to "idiot men" or "evil men" etc... Why didn't I think of that?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

john117 said:


> The website gives great advise assuming all marital issues can be attributed to "idiot men" or "evil men" etc... Why didn't I think of that?


There will be some on this site confused at the idea that all marital issues can not be attributed to "idiot men" or "evil men" etc.

Whereas others are convinced that it is all women being irrational etc!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

john117 said:


> The website gives great advise assuming all marital issues can be attributed to "idiot men" or "evil men" etc... Why didn't I think of that?


Because you are stubborn?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Mr The Other said:


> There will be some on this site confused at the idea that all marital issues can not be attributed to "idiot men" or "evil men" etc.
> 
> Whereas others are convinced that it is all women being irrational etc!


Did you see the funny meme @arbitrator posted last year in the Social Spot?

"There are two things you need to know about men and women. Men are stupid, and women are crazy. And the main reason women are crazy is because men are stupid!"


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

jld said:


> Because you are stubborn?


Lolz.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

jld said:


> Did you see the funny meme @arbitrator posted last year in the Social Spot?
> 
> "There are two things you need to know about men and women. Men are stupid, and women are crazy. And the main reason women are crazy is because men are stupid!"


It's very good! The problem only comes when people think it can be applied as a truism to relationship problems from the start!


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

Parts of the article is so similar to the stuff that everyone hates on TheRedPill for, its comical. Its just wrapped up in different verbiage. Some snippets:

_ The Bible says that a wife is the weaker vessel (1 Pet 3:7), not meaning that she has less physical strength or stamina than her husband, but that she has a more emotional nature and is more inclined to view life and make decisions based on her feelings than is her husband (1 Tim 2:14).

When women attempt to communicate their feelings of fear, dismay, or anxiety, they use words, cite facts, or employ a tone that causes a man to imagine he is being attacked._

Basically, in RedPill terms; AWALT (all women are like that), you need to lead her, maintain frame, know the difference between sh*t tests and comfort tests and how to deal with them (i.e. swat down the former, pass the latter). I have no doubts that this stuff can work.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Ripper said:


> Parts of the article is so similar to the stuff that everyone hates on TheRedPill for, its comical. Its just wrapped up in different verbiage. Some snippets:
> 
> _ The Bible says that a wife is the weaker vessel (1 Pet 3:7), not meaning that she has less physical strength or stamina than her husband, but that she has a more emotional nature and is more inclined to view life and make decisions based on her feelings than is her husband (1 Tim 2:14).
> 
> ...


What it shares, and this is a modern phenomenon, is that the responsibility for the relationship is with the man. This is comforting for men who feel powerless as it offers them the controls. It is also comforting for women, as it assures them that their relationships would have worked if only they had found a real man and no problems in relationships are their fault.

If the woman also sees it this way, communicates her wants and is prepared to follow the man's lead and give him the responsibility, this can work well. Jld's relationship demonstrates this. However, it fails to recognise that women are as individual as men are. 

A generation or two ago, if a marriage failed, people blamed the woman now the pendulum has swung the other way.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The responsibility for the relationship is on both people. Somehow people seem to think a husband can "lead" his wife, say, a professional with serious dough earning ability, to do his bidding. Back in the Biblical days we did not have that, did we?

Both people need to work at it. And trust each other.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> That website is what my husband read (actually listened to the author's CDs) that started him changing to improve his side of the marriage.
> 
> However, for it to have an impact, the husband has to realize he has played a role in damaging the marriage.
> 
> ...




This is 100% our relationship. Thank you so much for posting this!!


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I feel like this website is just for men and it is supose to help men become better husbands. I'm sure there is a wife equivalent website. It doesn't mean that the reason why marriage isn't working is Bc of the evil bad husbands. It's just a guide to help husbands be better husbands, not to place blame.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> I feel like this website is just for men and it is supose to help men become better husbands. I'm sure there is a wife equivalent website. It doesn't mean that the reason why marriage isn't working is Bc of the evil bad husbands. It's just a guide to help husbands be better husbands, not to place blame.


"How to become a Hardened Wife In 12 Easy Steps"...


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## Redactus (Nov 22, 2015)

Herschel said:


> Is there a Jewish version?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, but it is "trimmed" a bit...lol.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

@katiecrna,

If you can see yourself and your husband in the "Boomerang" article, you might make a copy of it for him to read.

Reading that article helped my husband revisit his own childhood, and recognize how he became passive aggressive (passive, mostly) and how he played it out as an adult. He highlighted the article with 4 different colors: similarities with his FOO, behaviors he still does and needs to work on, behaviors he used to do and no longer does, behaviors that he never did.

He is determined to find his voice, and has begun trying to express his feelings openly. It is scary for him, and sometimes for me too when he expresses his feelings because he can come off as being angry when he is actually just emotional, but he is (we are) making progress.

Change is possible, if both people are willing to work on being whole, healthier people.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I feel like this website is just for men and it is supose to help men become better husbands. I'm sure there is a wife equivalent website. It doesn't mean that the reason why marriage isn't working is Bc of the evil bad husbands. It's just a guide to help husbands be better husbands, not to place blame.


Indeed, no-one is saying it is bad advice. What I feel is that it is very valuable if the root problem in the marriage is husband is very unusually insensitive, but he wants to make the marriage work. Clearly, this is going to be a minority or marriages, but for those it is useful advice. It fails to make caveats, which is common in marriage advice, I suspect as people like to think they have figured it all out and things are going well as they are very wise.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...e-i-doubt-she-will-like-advice-please-75.html

The above thread is one example of a marriage that was aided by that link, Katie. The article was instrumental in persuading the OP to humble himself and reach out in understanding to his estranged wife. He wrote her a sincere letter inspired by what he read there, and that helped get their reconciliation going (post #1116).

Also, have you read other articles on that site? The Controlling Woman one is good, and the Real Man chart is excellent.


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