# is my destiny to be alone?



## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

i am starting to come to the conclusion that my destiny is to live my entire life alone....

i have been married and divorced simply because i just could not live with my wife previous....she was just too annoying to live with....

i am a bit of a loner with very few friends, and this might sound weird but i really enjoy being alone....and doing what i want when i want, and travelling when i want and where i want....

i am engaged now again and living with my fiance....but sometimes i just feel like my destiny is to be by myself....

i dont like being told what to do (in general) or living with other people....when i want to watch a show on tv then i dont want anybody saying they want to watch something else....just as a small example....

i guess i am venting....does this sound weird???


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No, the only weird thing is that you are engaged and presumably she will want to live with you. If you don't want to live with her, you need to tell her that now.

Because nothing could be worse than marrying only to find in 2-3 yrs you're just not into it and all the things that go along with marriage. So if you feel deep down you should be single, then either axe your relationship or discuss with her how you feel it'd work best (living separately, if that is what you want).

As far as what your destiny is--there is no way someone on a forum can tell you what that is.


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Why are you engaged? Doesn't seem fair to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> date and marry a busy person.
> they're around just when you start to miss company and they're off working or playing tennis(example) when you start getting annoyed by their constant presence.
> 
> being a natural loner doesn't mean you have to be without someone to love and to love you.it just means *you have to be up front with the person about your alone time needs to make sure they understand it and can be ok with it.*


yes you hit the nail on the head....

when we are in the house together too long i get annoyed and to be honest when she goes to work or out sometimes i am happy about it and relieved.....

not sure what to do next or how to go about this....


----------



## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Sometimes I get that way too. I love traveling and I can spend an inordinate amount of time alone and be blissful the whole time.

You might be an empath. Empaths have a hard time living with others because they absorb all the emotions of the person they're in a room with. I do that all the time, so when my husband leaves (even if he's been in a great mood, which he usually is) I also feel a sense of relief that I just can't get when he's in the house. I need to be alone to feel my own emotions; otherwise everything just gets lost on me.

I've thought maybe I'm destined to be alone, but I also crave the intimacy and closeness of our relationship, so I've learned to work around it and carve out the alone time I need. Luckily, he's not needy or clingy, so it works ok.

PS--I agree with the idea of dating a busy person! Is a great solution


----------



## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

Thank you for your reply newwife,

But she doesn't seem to understand my alone time, and if I told her I wanted to travel alone (which I do) not sure of what her reaction might be, 

If we are alone in the house for two or three hours I start getting aggitated and make excuses to to out to a store or something,

I find it hard to sit in the house with her and watch tv or something, when I'm relaxing she is always poking at me almost like she is trying to provoke me,

When I'm watching tv I just like to be left alone and watch what I want, she doesn't seem to understand that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

I know the feeling! It took my husband a while to not feel offended by my need. Sometimes he still 'questions' it when I want to stay home alone instead of accompanying him to certain things, just because he doesn't enjoy his alone time as much (he grew up with 6 siblings so I think he misses the constant company).

Sounds like she just needs your undivided attention for a bit (you're probably unconsciously pushing her away, even if you don't mean to). Maybe if she gets it for 30 minutes--give her a massage, sit her down to a nice dinner, ask her questions about her day, how she's feeling, then at the end tell her you are going to go do xyz but you want to cuddle/do XYZ with her after that. She should get the message. If not, then you need to be more direct with her about your needs--tell her what you get from your alone time and why it's so important to you, and most importantly, how it affects you when you don't get alone time (I had to make a list to tell my husband, and he got it right away).


----------



## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

Thank you so much for your help and advice,

I would really like to take a trip in the fall by $yself and not really sure how I should bring this up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I grew up in a 3 bedroom house. 5 brothers. One sister. My sister got her own room.

I need alone time too. I never had it in my youth. Ever! Moving out on my own was like a piece f heaven! I can relate.

Then, I had kids. holy crap! I thought I was going to go crazy. Dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad. ALL DAY LONG! I couldn't even go take a crap without one of them barging into the bathroom wanting to show me a picture they just colored, or to tell me that curious George just fell off his tree on the cartoon! 

Honestly, I have no frekin idea how it happened, but I no longer crave the alone time like I used to. Not having it doesn't bother me like it did. I guess my kids cured it out of me!

For you? Just tell your wife your going. As tactful as possible. Maybe bring up a time when she just wanted to do something by herself, or just the girls. How she needed that. Now, you need this. This is MAN time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Start with a couple short trips and promise co.tact at a specific time each day. She will get use to it. It will be easier if she isn't insecure about your commitment. If she is a little therapy can ensure that she learns not to take it personally. But you must follow through on agreed upon contact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

Thanks for your time,

I guess I just worry too much about other people, you are right, I need to just tell her I'm going and not worry about what she thinks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

mikey11 said:


> Thank you so much for your help and advice,
> 
> I would really like to take a trip in the fall by $yself and not really sure how I should bring this up?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's a toughie, just because lots of people think trips should happen together when you're married (because that's what it's all about--sharing new experiences).

I'd make it sound like you haven't made up your mind and want to know her feelings about the IDEA of you going on a trip alone (again, list very specifically what you'd get out of it that you could only get by being alone). Tell her you wouldn't go if it will upset her or make her sad, but that it would mean a lot if she could support you in it. 

And simultaneously, mention your need for a trip (perhaps a longer one WITH her so that she knows it's ALSO important to you that you guys do some exploring together.

How could a woman say no to that?


----------



## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

mikey11 said:


> Thanks for your time,
> 
> I guess I just worry too much about other people, you are right, I need to just tell her I'm going and not worry about what she thinks
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you're right that you need to care LESS about what she thinks, but don't stop caring completely. 

Why get married, if that's the story? 

Marriage means compromise, and not ALWAYS being able to do the things you could as a single guy. Maybe you just need some time to enjoy being single?


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

You still need to care about what she thinks. If you don't, don't marry her. You can care and reassure her but it might take her time to believe in and trust you. If you think about how many people claim to need to get away and then use that time to cheat, you have to admit it can be frightening for the.one being left behind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

She would not be mad at me for going on a trip alone and she would not have any doubts that I would cheat, she trusts me, she would just be upset because she was not there with me and would enjoy the trip with me, but wouldn't understand why I wanted to be alone,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Why do you want to go without her and to where?

I have a friend who takes a couple of trips camping by himself per year. But those are trips his wife would not enjoy.

My h goes on trips I can't attend. When he is gone I get some alone time, too. 

Maybe she should try a trip without you first. With or without someone else, just not with you. Same rules about communication.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Honestly I don't know what to tell you, because even with all my alone time needs, if my husband wanted to go on a fun trip, I'd want to be right there next to him, like your fiance does... :-S

Does she have any business trips or family visits that'd free you up for a few days? Otherwise, not sure what to suggest.


----------



## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Also, consider that perhaps you want this fall trip away only because you feel so smothered on a daily basis. 

If you can find a way to get your space on a daily basis, maybe you won't feel such a need for the time away from her. Maybe once things get better, you'll actually want her to come along?


----------



## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

To be honest I do not know why I want to travel alone, I just feel like I want to see more of the world on my own, 

she can not get enough time off work to go, but that is only a poor excuse, I would just rather go by myself, travelling alone is something I always wanted to do, and now I guess I feel like I won't get another chance to do it after we are married, does that make any sense????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Of course you will have another chance to do it post-marriage! People get themselves into traps by thinking that the world turns upside down when you get married. It really shouldn't change much between the two of you though!

Her lack of time off is the PERFECT excuse! Say you'd love to have her with you (maybe for a few days? before she has to go back to work?) but you have vacation days and want to use them. No problem there!


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I think you should figure out why before you do anything. It is appearing to me that this is a fear of being intimate and of commitment more than a desire to be alone. It is like you are afraid of being controlled or losing yourself (engulfment) than a desire to be alone. Something else. 

Why did you divorce? Have you been in therapy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Ps, how can she understand if you dont?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> Ps, how can she understand if you dont?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed. If you can't give clear reasons why you need the time alone then she'll probably assume you're using it as an excuse to cheat or something. You owe it to her and yourself to figure out what's behind it.


----------



## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

Okay so how do I figure out why I need the time alone? don't get me wrong here, I love her and I want to be fair to her, but I think it all stems from the household issues and wanting time alone in the home, which I am not getting now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

What do you feel you cant do when she is around?

And, is it the case that you cannot do these things or that you just feel you can't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mirrormask (Jun 15, 2011)

mikey11 said:


> i am starting to come to the conclusion that my destiny is to live my entire life alone....
> 
> i have been married and divorced simply because i just could not live with my wife previous....she was just too annoying to live with....
> 
> ...


I will point out the problem. It is the modern women. Throughout history the man is the head of house. Always has been. God sees it that way, even the law sees it that way. But somewhere along the line women began seeing it differently. This isn't how nature intended it to be. 

Always remember. A marriage is TWO PEOPLE sharing a life together. You each have lives and you share them with one another. Marriage these days has a nasty twist to it. Women think when you marry a man, he is suppose to mold to your idea of what he should be. That just doesn't work.

Keep your head up my friend. Their are many many fish in this sea of life. I want to tell you a story.

When my great uncle was very young he fell for the girl down the street. They were young, in their teens. High school sweethearts. He went to the military and she went her separate way as well. They both married. His wife died soon after marrying. She was ill. He spent his life alone never remarrying. He always carried a picture in his wallet of his "young sweetheart friend". When he was old and grey he had to move into a nursing home. One day shortly after moving in he was talking to a nurse there about his high school sweetheart and pulled the photo out. The nurse immediately recognized the girl. She lived on the floor below him. They reunited. Turns out her husband had passed away many years before and she too never married again. They both lived their lives alone thinking the very same thing you are thinking. That they were meant to be alone in this world. They married after 63 years of being apart. Love had found a way like it always does.

Because we don't know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. And yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, an afternoon that is so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four, or five times more? Perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless...

Love isn't about the amount of time you spend with a person. It is about what memories you choose to make with the time you have. So be patient my friend. Love will always find a way.


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

The modern woman? Please.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

