# Wife suddenly left...



## mheredia (Apr 7, 2016)

Here's my story,
It all happened last Thursday

It was Wednesday night and we had a great night out for dinner. I was leaving on a trip on Thursday so she helped me pack. We watched a movie, made love, and went to sleep. 

I woke her up as I was leaving and said my goodbye.

As I land I get a call from my mother (we live with my parents as they have a big house)
That she left the house, packed all her stuff. She moved to her moms. 

We've been married for almost 5 years now. 

The issue she said is that she's tired of me complaining about her always coming home late from work and not being home for dinner. Which is all true, I do complain. But the reason I complain is because I feel that her boss is taking advantage of her legal status in the US and making her work an insane amount of hours with no overtime.

Obviously I flew back the same day to try to figure this out. I went to see her at her job and her boss blocked any contact. I went to her parents and they don't want to get involved. 

I've been trying to contact her via text, email, anything. And she just recently responded to my idea via email. Which is to move out to an apartment again and get some counseling. She responded with "I need some time, please don't pressure me, I'm not ready for all this"

When everything happened her mom was there to pick her up and I feel like she could've stopped the whole situation by just saying "he's not here, wait til he comes back and talk about it". But she literally pulled her out of our house.

I'm completely lost. I've sent her flowers and she has accepted them but no contact with me except for the email mentioned above.

FYI, she did this once in the past and we were back within the week. She never ever took all her stuff with her though. 

I don't know how to handle this as I'm completely heartbroken and devastated. 

Anyone ever have a similar situation or can anyone offer any advice?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

mheredia said:


> Here's my story,
> It all happened last Thursday
> 
> It was Wednesday night and we had a great night out for dinner. I was leaving on a trip on Thursday so she helped me pack. We watched a movie, made love, and went to sleep.
> ...


Check your phone bill. Is her boss male or female? Go online takes 30 minutes or less.
Something doesn't smell right here.

You need to know what you're dealing with


----------



## mheredia (Apr 7, 2016)

Female. I've checked and there's nothing out the ordinary.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

THe legal status gives red flags. You need to give background on this.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

If her female boss is taking advantage of her then i would call the labor board and request they they do an investigation on the boss. start there


----------



## mheredia (Apr 7, 2016)

Basically all she has is an itin for tax purposes. That's it. We were working on getting her her social and everything.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

do you think she married you to become a citizen?


----------



## mheredia (Apr 7, 2016)

Highly doubt that. We haven't even started the process. We were about to.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

people don't just pack up...out of the blue and move out. 

There were things happening. 

Think back. What else has been going on?


----------



## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

mheredia said:


> As I land I get a call from my mother (we live with my parents as they have a big house)
> 
> That she left the house, packed all her stuff. She moved to her moms.



How does she feel about living with your parents? 



mheredia said:


> The issue she said is that she's tired of me complaining about her always coming home late from work and not being home for dinner. Which is all true, I do complain. But the reason I complain is because I feel that her boss is taking advantage of her legal status in the US and making her work an insane amount of hours with no overtime.




Is this the only issue you guys have? If you don't mind me asking, what kind of job is it?




mheredia said:


> When everything happened her mom was there to pick her up and I feel like she could've stopped the whole situation by just saying "he's not here, wait til he comes back and talk about it". But she literally pulled her out of our house.



Why would her mom tell her to stay when she doesn't want to? 



mheredia said:


> FYI, she did this once in the past and we were back within the week. She never ever took all her stuff with her though.



Why did she leave?


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Don't send flowers, chocolate, etc. Don't beg or plead.

Pretend everything is fine. Don't initiate communication.

She resents you deeply. You have no clue why. That means your relationship is very dysfunctional. You have no kids. Count your blessings and move on.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

So you tell a grown woman what she should or shouldn't do. Then when she doesn't go along you moan about it. Isn't that a being childish? How endearing do you think that looks to a woman? Look here, even if you're right about the situation, it's her decision, not yours. There must be some reason she doesn't agree now, it's her reason. You may think you're looking out for her, but she perceives it as you trying to control. You need to decide if you're her partner or her father, for this to work. 

Best


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

LongWalk said:


> Don't send flowers, chocolate, etc. Don't beg or plead.
> 
> Pretend everything is fine. Don't initiate communication.
> 
> She resents you deeply. You have no clue why. That means your relationship is very dysfunctional. You have no kids. Count your blessings and move on.


To add to this suggestion- go dark, do not show concern. Let her know that you can exist without her. This is part of the program called the "180". It usually does not bring the [walk-away-wife] WAW back. It helps *YOU* cope with this sh!tstorm that you are now in. 

Do not beg or try to "*nice her*" back. This never works. 

Dig deep...why is she doing this? You need to put your thinking cap on and then your Detective Cap---> after you do the "think-in". 

What is going on? Find out.

Look at all her communications.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

anchorwatch said:


> So you tell a grown woman what she should or shouldn't do. Then when she doesn't go along you moan about it. Isn't that a being childish? How endearing do you think that looks to a woman? Look here, even if you're right about the situation, it's her decision, not yours. There must be some reason she doesn't agree now, it's her reason. You may think you're looking out for her, but she perceives it as you trying to control. You need to decide if you're her partner or her father, for this to work.
> 
> Best


WTF! Grown women give their husband notice before they open up the window and fly away. So much for communication...lack.

Her actions [prior to flying the coop] did not signal [to him] that this was an *exit* love making session. Kinda cruel...you think!


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Kinda cruel...you think!


Actually, no I do not think so. 

I think it a dysfunctional reaction to a dysfunctional relationship. More like a wake up call. No more cruel than his constant complaining.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

I think there are VOLUMES to this that we aren't hearing about


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

There has to be more than this, wives do not up and leave.

Unless, this is just a very few reasons

1. they have someone else 
2. They are being abused 
3. They have been cheated on 
4. Tired of living with in laws 
5. Feels ignored and unloved.

You need to rethink the last few months and look at everything that has been going on, things she has said, things you have said or things that either of you have done.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Lostme said:


> There has to be more than this, wives do not up and leave.
> 
> Unless, this is just a very few reasons
> 
> ...


IME..there are Items like this...and/or others.


----------



## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

Just out of curiosity, when did your wife come to the US? On what visa? 
How come she doesn't have a SSN yet? (if I understood you correctly, you said she only has an ITIN).
What's her current immigration status? (GC holder, out of status, etc)

I agree that there has to be more to this.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

i would bet your wife has a boyfriend. I very sorry.


----------



## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Where were you going on this trip? Why wasn't she going with you? Do you often go on trips without her?

How long have you lived with your parents? Why? When did you plan on moving out?

So many questions here.


----------



## mheredia (Apr 7, 2016)

She came to the US when she was 1. Illegally. We live with my parents because we had a financial hardship at the moment. But we were planning on getting our own place this year. The trip was for business and some pleasure. I actually wanted her to come with me but she's scared about flying in to Texas because of ice. We often go on trips. Just went to NY for a romantic Valentines vacation. Her and my parents got along amazingly. They treated her like a daughter. Her and my mom did everything together.


----------



## mheredia (Apr 7, 2016)

Living with parents for two years. We lived on our own before.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Damn, I wish my STBXW would have just left me. Ha. Sorry, if you really loved her, then this sucks. Move on.


----------



## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

mheredia said:


> She came to the US when she was 1. Illegally. We live with my parents because we had a financial hardship at the moment. But we were planning on getting our own place this year. The trip was for business and some pleasure. I actually wanted her to come with me but she's scared about flying in to Texas because of ice. We often go on trips. Just went to NY for a romantic Valentines vacation. Her and my parents got along amazingly. They treated her like a daughter. Her and my mom did everything together.


Since she came to the US illegally/entered without inspection, she can't adjust her status at all because there is no status to adjust from. You said you were getting ready to send her paperwork - what exactly were you going to apply for? The only thing I can think of is DACA but that depends on your wife's age. Her being illegal must be a huge burden on her. I hope she qualifies for DACA because she can get work authorization that way and can find a better job and get away from her current boss.

Tell us more about your marriage, how do you get along? How old are you both? No kids I guess?


----------



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

mheredia;15391329 The trip was for business and some pleasure.[/QUOTE said:


> is there some possibility she thought you were cheating on her? is there an ex near your trip?
> 
> that would explain her odd behavior (but not the night before, maybe she found something when you left? weird browser history?)


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> I think there are VOLUMES to this that we aren't hearing about


Yes, "the others." The stuff that we at TAM need to make an informed and proper decision "on" and then make suggestions with and to you, my friend. Let us have it* all*.

It could be that she used you to get a foothold in the U.S.
She does not love you. She gave it a go and the feelings never grew more than bubble on a gnats rump.

She left [in your absentia] because she could not tell you to your face, that you are not desirable. She does not want to continue this charade of an relationship. 

She took the cowards way out. She did not even leave a letter, or call you from a distance.

Maybe her boss has better ways to console her, protect her from the authorities. Or maybe they are both.....lesbians. I dunno. Your wife seems to have more faith in the work relationship than in yours [at home]. 

This is what I find very strange. This is not a "call out" from a fogged-over harbor from a WAW in a row boat heading for the rocks. 

Even walk-away-wives leave a slug's slime on the sidewalk before they slither into the warm grass.

"Somethings-a-twitter" with this accounting [of yours]. 

Our accountants here on this forum "TAM" have advanced degrees in depth-sounding the story line. 

Soon the depth-charges will be fired over the bow of their advancing Destroyers. Fess up, Mr. Fester.

Thanks.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Here's what I think. 

She either has someone else, never loved you to begin with, or is done using you for some reason. Or you're leaving out the elephant in the room like "I beat my wife."

Or some combination of that. 

Because I've never heard of a wife leaving because her husband wants her home in time for dinner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

mheredia said:


> She came to the US when she was 1. Illegally. We live with my parents because we had a financial hardship at the moment. But we were planning on getting our own place this year. The trip was for business and some pleasure. I actually wanted her to come with me but she's scared about flying in to Texas because of ice. We often go on trips. Just went to NY for a romantic Valentines vacation. Her and my parents got along amazingly. They treated her like a daughter. Her and my mom did everything together.


Afraid of flying into Texas because of ice? Yet flew into NY in February. 

She has been planning this exit, the excuse she has initially given you is just that an excuse. You haven't gotten to the reason yet and in many separations rarely is the true reason known initially. 

Quit trying to contact and sending flowers etc. It's not helping anything at this time and will be counterproductive to your intentions.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@honcho, I believe he means this I.C.E. Not snow and ice...


----------



## Mrs.X (Apr 1, 2015)

marduk said:


> Here's what I think.
> 
> She either has someone else, never loved you to begin with, or is done using you for some reason. Or you're leaving out the elephant in the room like "I beat my wife."
> 
> ...


I don't want to assume but I was thinking of abuse too because she waited for him to leave to pack up and sneak away.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

marduk said:


> Here's what I think.
> 
> She either has someone else, never loved you to begin with, or is done using you for some reason. Or you're leaving out the elephant in the room like "I beat my wife."
> 
> ...


Yes..The Elephant in the room. Odd that there wouldn't be one...since pretty much everyone has something


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"Just went to NY for a romantic Valentines vacation. Her and my parents got along amazingly."

How do parents and romance work out? Did you all share 1 room? My guess is she is sick and tired of all the family bonding. The very fact that you can claim it was a romantic Valentine's vacation when your parents were with you is all that needs to be said. You have effectively 'familied' her out. Are you sure you weren't nagging her to be home to cook everyone's dinner?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Wow, I read that completely different than you.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If she didn't move out when she did she was going to lose her boyfriend.

Her boyfriend got tired of only having her after work.

Her boos thinks you abuse her.

She might just like your parents

The one thing I'm not ...don't need to guess at is....chasing her will push her away.

This isn't going to turn out well for her....she will be back to her Plan B soon enough.


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

So her reasoning is that she is tired of your complaints which you admit to....so that I would say is one big factor why she left. I also wonder if she does not care to live with your parents, I know I would not like to live with my inlaws. Since you had the good evening before and she left the same day you left i wonder too if she doesn't like it when you leave her even if it is for work. Do you work out of town alot?


----------



## mheredia (Apr 7, 2016)

Hey everyone!
Glad to report we finally sat down and talked about everything. We're working things out and got our own place. We're happier than ever before. Feels like the sparks are coming back. No there is no elephant in the room. No abuse, no infidelity. Thanks everyone for their help and concerns


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

mheredia said:


> Hey everyone!
> Glad to report we finally sat down and talked about everything. We're working things out and got our own place. We're happier than ever before. Feels like the sparks are coming back. No there is no elephant in the room. No abuse, no infidelity. Thanks everyone for their help and concerns


I hope everything works out but... :scratchhead:

Why did she pack up and not tell you??

I wish you the best but I hope she isn't an NPDer.
Good luck bro.


----------



## mheredia (Apr 7, 2016)

She basically felt too much pressure being at my parents. Also adding to the fact about my complaining about her job. She basically said that she didn't want to come home early or on time because she didn't want to deal with the drama at home. She's an entirely new person now and it feels like we're bf and gf again. It's a great feeling.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

mheredia said:


> She basically felt too much pressure being at my parents. Also adding to the fact about my complaining about her job. She basically said that she didn't want to come home early or on time because she didn't want to deal with the drama at home. She's an entirely new person now and it feels like we're bf and gf again. It's a great feeling.


Yes, the tumultuous Elephant Ride that requires drama-mine to soothe her nerves and keep her inner-ear "out of sync" with the jarring home environment.

Good luck with your wife. Lighten up on her. Knock the wheels off the naggin-waggin. 

When she gets home, greet her with a smile, a kiss, dinner and her favorite adult beverage. 

Both of you need to move out as soon as possible. Keep us Avatars on TAM posted if things veer south again.


----------



## mheredia (Apr 7, 2016)

We actually moved out already. We're loving being alone.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

That's terrific! However, there is a huge communication issue...when someone leaves without talking about things first. 

Please, while things are good....work on your relationship and how you communicate.


----------



## mheredia (Apr 7, 2016)

That's exactly what we're doing. When we're at home during dinner for example. No phones, just us. We also signed up for some counseling just to get a unbiased point of view.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Nice to see a good outcome.......even temporarily.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

mheredia said:


> That's exactly what we're doing. When we're at home during dinner for example. No phones, just us. We also signed up for some counseling just to get a unbiased point of view.



Good job!!!


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I don't think you fully understand the situation. It's kind of a given that until she gets legal status, her boss owns her.
If you interfere with her work, she might have to move away from her mom.
Besides which, let a woman handle her own work and pay issues. Yes, you can tell your wife once in a while that you miss her when she has to work long hours. But really, given the situation with legal status, do not interfere with her work unless you are prepared to pack up and move to her home country, along with her mom, after you end up with her deported. Nice going.
And furthermore, if she has kids with you, her kids are legal citizens, but she is not, so then there is going to be or already is, an issue created where she could be separated from her child. 

Get her legal status first, and then let her deal with her own work problems regarding hours and pays.
Everyone gets taken advantage of at work, but someone in her position or a similar position (i.e. single parent, person with stay-home spouse with no work credentials) is vulnerable to this.


----------

