# Did you ignore the small signs



## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

I read over lots of threads and see some people dated long before they married- really took their time not rushing anything but are blown away or blindsided with the actions/behavior of the spouse. So I have to believe all truth in the saying " you spend your life learning new things about each other good and bad"........ but

Looking back, were there signs that you overlooked? Were there things that you see now that if you'd stopped and confronted back then it wouldnt be at this point now? 

Of course some didn't know or see anything it just sort of fell in their lap but others maybe saw small signs that wished they would have confronted way back. Any thoughts?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, there were red flags that I chalked up to "he's in a bad mood or over-reacting." I seriously seriously just thought he was having off days, etc.

We were only engaged 2 months before marrying. In hindsight, we should have never gotten married. I mean, I think everything happens for a reason, but knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have wasted my time. He was very emotionally abusive and would ignore me for days/weeks on end and would get mad at the drop of a hat. I remember distinctly when we were dating, at my birthday party, I had gone to the loo w/ some girlfriends (we were at a lounge) and he layed into me on the way home yelling, accusing me of using drugs in the bathroom. I never did such a thing and the fact he could conjure up something so nutty is something I shoulda paid attention to. He ruined my birthday evening. That night was the first time that always stands out to me. Also, before out wedding, when picking out dates, he got mad at me since I suggested one date and yelleld at me and told me "The wedding is off... I am going to cancel it and you can go by yourself." I was flabberghasted--my mother came over later and he said loudly in front of her "DID YOU TELL HER YET?? DID YOU TELL HER it's cancelled [since you are suggesting stupid dates]?" Shoulda known better.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I dont know. Its just the way it is.

Getting together with a partner for life isnt about going down a checklist of litmus tests or looking for signs. People are dynamic, they can change - or maybe not. The problem I see with some couples is the expectation of change in a certain direction... He/She will grow up, drink less, not be such an ass, will be more responsible, will be more care-free, will never change, will change... rather than really (really) buying into the program of accepting them as they are today because you have come to believe they are worthy as a person and you love them for a wide array of reasons.

Yeah, they may change.. and maybe in ways you didnt expect - and dont even like. Maybe in ways you do like in a big way. Thats life, it happens. There are no certainties - its a fools game to think otherwise.

The payback of a successful relationship is its own reward - and a failed one could tear your heart out, wither your soul & posibly skew your perspective. Maybe not. Then again, Maybe. People still think its worth it - especially if they havent walked that road. Life is an adventure, when you come to a fork in the road: take it, nothing ventured nothing gained... all those annoying little pithy phrases are ture.

hypothetical: "...when we were dating my (spouse) use to get up at 3:00am to straighten the fringe on the throw rugs with a comb to make sure all the tassels were straight..."

or "...my SO insisted I do/do not shave my armpits, and that R rated movies are off limits..."

20/20 hindsight. Shrug. What good is it? 

My advice is simply wait to get marred for as long as possible (with age comes widsom hopefully), and if you make the choice - jump in with both feet and the concious decision to take them as they are. But, I am not convinced that is good advice either. My parents got married when they were 16 & 17 after dating 4 months and stayed married until he dies 50 years later. Would I advise them not to get married 'too soon'?

I am seriously babbling...


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

shaylady said:


> Looking back, were there signs that you overlooked? Were there things that you see now that if you'd stopped and confronted back then it wouldnt be at this point now?
> 
> Of course some didn't know or see anything it just sort of fell in their lap but others maybe saw small signs that wished they would have confronted way back. Any thoughts?


The signs were clear as could be, but I didn't understand what was important at the time. Commitment can mean different things to different people and my own idea of what commitment means changed over the course of my marriage.


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## Jen's Husband (Nov 26, 2011)

shaylady said:


> I read over lots of threads and see some people dated long before they married- really took their time not rushing anything but are blown away or blindsided with the actions/behavior of the spouse. So I have to believe all truth in the saying " you spend your life learning new things about each other good and bad"........ but
> 
> Looking back, were there signs that you overlooked? Were there things that you see now that if you'd stopped and confronted back then it wouldnt be at this point now?
> 
> Of course some didn't know or see anything it just sort of fell in their lap but others maybe saw small signs that wished they would have confronted way back. Any thoughts?


I definitely overlooked a lot of things that I shouldn't have going way back with my wife. We dated 5 years before marrying. I was criticized by her and others but I was just very young and not ready to marry. That being said, I made the opposite mistake in a lot of ways by not paying attention to her behavior. She was sort raised by hippies and it shows, good and bad things included. But the real issue is her refusal to take responsibility for any part of the marriage or relationship. That sort of emotional work is my job even when she does wrong. That pattern goes way back and I remember fighting over it even when we were teens. If I hurt her, I fix it. If she hurts me, I fix it or she gets upset over the inconvenience I've caused by not getting over what she does. It sounds crazy but she's a great wife in many areas, just not this one. But to this day there are times when I feel like I don't know her at all.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Yes, there were red flags that I chalked up to "he's in a bad mood or over-reacting." I seriously seriously just thought he was having off days, etc.
> 
> We were only engaged 2 months before marrying. In hindsight, we should have never gotten married. I mean, I think everything happens for a reason, but knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have wasted my time. He was very emotionally abusive and would ignore me for days/weeks on end and would get mad at the drop of a hat. I remember distinctly when we were dating, at my birthday party, I had gone to the loo w/ some girlfriends (we were at a lounge) and he layed into me on the way home yelling, accusing me of using drugs in the bathroom. I never did such a thing and the fact he could conjure up something so nutty is something I shoulda paid attention to. He ruined my birthday evening. That night was the first time that always stands out to me. Also, before out wedding, when picking out dates, he got mad at me since I suggested one date and yelleld at me and told me "The wedding is off... I am going to cancel it and you can go by yourself." I was flabberghasted--my mother came over later and he said loudly in front of her "DID YOU TELL HER YET?? DID YOU TELL HER it's cancelled [since you are suggesting stupid dates]?" Shoulda known better.


 
He seems the type to fly off the handle when he doens't have full control of you or your decisions. A person acting out and accusing because they are the one that really have the issue.  I actually dated a dude that was like you're describing. We both worked at the bank and it was just the worst experience of my life. I dated him almost two years and found out he had a girlfriend for eight years that was away at college. 

He actually bought me a ring and asked me to marry him when I found out about the eight year relationship and cut him off cold turkey. It ended very bad but I'm so glad I didnt take the ring hoping things would get better. He had just lied too much and was just so emotionally abusive. He would not talk to me for two days if I cursed. Demanded that I be a woman that goes to school, work and go home. Then i guess he'd find a reason to be mad at the away chic and come back all nice to me. I was just so glad he wasn't mad anymore, i didn't even suspect another woman in the picture back then. I was so blind


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Jen's Husband said:


> I definitely overlooked a lot of things that I shouldn't have going way back with my wife. We dated 5 years before marrying. I was criticized by her and others but I was just very young and not ready to marry. That being said, I made the opposite mistake in a lot of ways by not paying attention to her behavior. She was sort raised by hippies and it shows, good and bad things included. But the real issue is her refusal to take responsibility for any part of the marriage or relationship. That sort of emotional work is my job even when she does wrong. That pattern goes way back and I remember fighting over it even when we were teens. *If I hurt her, I fix it. If she hurts me, I fix it or she gets upset over the inconvenience I've caused by not getting over what she does.* It sounds crazy but she's a great wife in many areas, just not this one. But to this day there are times when I feel like I don't know her at all.


My husband was like that and I was always the one reaching out but when we had that lil bump in our marriage, he changed. At one point the roles had reversed because I was in the don't give a damn mode, but it all worked out and i'm back to sweet, caring, attentive, loving, cater to her man wife


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I firmly believe that if you're going to get married, you should do it when things are already good and not assume that things will change.

In my case, I assumed that in the months after the wedding, we'd get back to spending time together and even doing crazy stuff like....sex and everything. I didn't really see it as a problem, per se because there were so many reasons that made it reasonable to feel like we were just on autopilot. I was in grad school, he worked night shifts, he'd had major surgery a couple of months before the wedding.... More than the wedding itself, it just seemed like everything in our lives was calming down and getting back to "normal". 

Flash forward and I've wasted 5 years being married to a man who's just fine on his own apparently. We've had sex three times since we got married--doesn't bother him and I don't even bother trying to hide my vibrator anymore, lol. With no compromise on finding things to do together again, we don't. We eat dinner together once or twice a week and that's about it. He's a good friend, but honestly....I'd be happy catching up over drinks every couple of months or catching a game rather than having to listen to him prattle about his cars or whatever.

Had I paid more attention to how disconnected we were before I signed the certificate, I think we'd both be in a better place. Either could have been proactive or just gone our separate ways, who knows...but it would have been so much easier then!

Of course, I've also started working on taxes and looking at the hit we're taking once again on the marriage penalty makes me extra bitter too!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

What really surprises me is how many people that are in horrible relationships get married. I don't understand why people who have serious issues with their partner would commit to spending the rest of their life with them.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> I firmly believe that if you're going to get married, you should do it when things are already good and not assume that things will change.
> 
> In my case, I assumed that in the months after the wedding, we'd get back to spending time together and even doing crazy stuff like....sex and everything. I didn't really see it as a problem, per se because there were so many reasons that made it reasonable to feel like we were just on autopilot. I was in grad school, he worked night shifts, he'd had major surgery a couple of months before the wedding.... More than the wedding itself, it just seemed like everything in our lives was calming down and getting back to "normal".
> 
> ...


 
I am so sorry. This is sad


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Uhm, yup, I definitely overlooked things that were indicators of problems to come. I wasn't really conscious of my co-dependent tendencies then, though.

The biggest thing I overlooked was his addiction. I knew he took pills, that I *thought* were prescribed to him, but I never knew how he was getting the pills, or the extent of his physical and psychological dependence on them until after we were married. This would have been extremely helpful to me had I realized it then, because I have a terrible history of picking addicted persons in relationships. It's way more than a coincidence, I'm only just beginning to see that... :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Hindsight is 20/20!

Lieceratops and I were together 1 1/2 years prior to marriage and our first child. Son was just an infant when what should have been the biggest red flag was raised. H was best man in his brother's wedding. There was a bachelor party he attended. They went to a club, all the guys got drunk and H had a ONS that night. He confessed to me right away, teary and ever so apologetic, saying he deeply regretted hurting me that way and that he'd never do that to me again. Funny, but I was comforting him, reassuring him and forgiving his drunken indiscretion. I did let him know that if it ever happened again, that would be the end. 

Now I wondered how many times it did occur, he's an over the road truck driver and one year he was only home 24 days out of 365. 'Course we were trying to build our own trucking biz and he was the only driver at the time. But I think because I had no doubt about my own faithfulness, I didn't question his for all those years.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Yup, ignored some things and didn't know other things which would have changed my mind.

Dated 3.5 yrs before getting married. Married right after college graduation.

She showed no empathy while dating, especially related to mentioning her previous boyfriends and sex with them. I thought I was too jealous and I was trying to be all grown up about it. I should never have ignored any of that.

She was great in bed, but had no interest in non-sexual touch. I made the conscious decision to live without the non-sexual touch (like holding hands, etc) because the sex was so good. I should have recognized the sex as manipulation/management because the emotional intimacy parts of touch were absent.

Five months before the wedding the sex stopped. She was working a 2nd and 3rd shift job and there was some family drama and stress related to the wedding plans. So I excused her lack of interest in sex as due to those. It turns out she was starting the emotional difficulties related to her child sex abuse, which made sex suddenly very difficult for her.

She was passionate about sex abuse/rape related to a class she took jr or sr year in college. I asked her point blank if she had ever been molested or raped. She denied it. I should have listened to my gut on that!

After the wedding there were many other signs, flags, and events which I had no idea how to deal with. I was working out of one playbook, but due to her abuse she was in a completely different book. I was very imperfect myself, but had I paid attention before the wedding and had I had some key information, there would not have been a wedding. When the sex stopped before the wedding, I would have known something bigger needed to be figured out before continuing.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I was the one that messed up my marriage. Were there signs that he should have paid attention to? Yes. But now I'm glad he didn't otherwise we wouldn't be married right now. 

I did fix it.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I was raised to try to avoid making a fuss and not to be paranoid about everything. Nowadays, I try to keep my thoughts to my self or deal with them anonymously like here. 

What I should have addressed before my marriage is my exH's enthusiasm for his friend's fiance / wife. While we were dating long distance, he talked about her constantly and even seemed personally and physically affected when they broke off their engagement for a couple of weeks. No one should ever their life through other people and definitely not like that. 

These days I look at relationships and consider whether there's a slippery slope to nowhere. Just as I have mentioned elsewhere on this board, I decided to nip my guy's "great friendship" with his (fly by night) "ex." I had seen enough about her online and from what he said to determine that she was very aggressive and would say or do something to try to convince him to leave me. He finally showed me his text messages between them, ones that included her telling me that our relationship was going nowhere and that he should start dating her again. This is one example which shows that I am learning to read people better, even ones I have not even met or spoken to.


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

Yes, there are signs we tend to overlook.
He never took me on dates to fancy restaurants or make his relationship public, because he didn't want a future with me. All this while, I thought he was an introvert.
When I would ask him to tell me my good things, he could only say face & figure, because that is all He was interested in.
He was good to me before, but when he wanted to end it, he started torturing me so that I would leave.
When I would say I need your cooperation to help make this relationship better, he'd say "You won't change. and may be i don't want to make this relationship better. may be i don't want it to work out."

So many things, & I thought we were having issues because we were living in separate countries & distance ruined it. He gave me so many signs!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

shaylady said:


> He seems the type to fly off the handle when he doens't have full control of you or your decisions. A person acting out and accusing because they are the one that really have the issue.  I actually dated a dude that was like you're describing.
> 
> He actually bought me a ring and asked me to marry him when I found out about the eight year relationship and cut him off cold turkey. It ended very bad but I'm so glad I didnt take the ring hoping things would get better. He had just lied too much and was just so emotionally abusive. He would not talk to me for two days if I cursed. Demanded that I be a woman that goes to school, work and go home.


Sounds like a real peach and he sounds like my ex  It was emotionally exhausting.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Not exactly, but when I discussed them with stbxh at the time, I got 'spotlighted'. That is, he pointed out all the BIG THINGS he was doing that he 'wouldn't be doing' if he didn't love me. Of course, it was stuff that he'd chosen to do and that worked in his favor. But at the time, they were superficially sacrificial enough that the little things that were coming into the light of day got 'spotlighted' out by the big things.

We need to coin a new phrase in addition to gaslighting, and that's spotlighting.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

With my ex (we weren't married but lived together with a child), there were TONS of redflags that I didn't want to admit before I got pregnant.

He told me he didn't date smokers. And yet...we had been dating for 3 weeks and I smoked. I tried to quit for him (lame) and ended up sneaking around with it.

He said he didn't date meat eaters. He knew I ate meat before we started dating  I quit eating meat for him (double lame)...although...I loved how I felt...I was a vegetarian for 8 years but I should have done it for me.

When I would disagree with him on any issue, he'd blow up and say I dind't know what I was talking about and "it's people like you that make this world suck." I thought he was just passionate. Right.

Oh...once, he would not sleep with me. He said he dind't have a condom...and i was asking him , blah blah...when he left that day (we were dating a month or so), he showed me a condom from his pocket as he walked out the door laughing. LAME! I just thought he was a jokester. no, he was an ASS.

There's tons more. But I should have RUN FROM HIM within the first month.

But then again, I wouldn't have my daughter...but still.

I was ages 21 to 24 when with him. Young and stupid. lol!


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