# Lack of Affection and Intimacy



## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

Found out husband had a long term emotional affair with a coworker. Since then, he shows me no affection, and intimacy is non-existent. He had prostate cancer surgery 2 years ago and thankfully it did not completely end his sex life.

He's home all the time now but its like his mind is somewhere else. Reminds me of a song "his body is here with me, but his mind is on the other side of town".

Could the total lack of affection and intimacy from my husband be from anger?

After confronting the other woman, she said she would never talk to him again. If she meant it and is not talking to him, could that be a reason why he is distant toward me? Because I broke up his relationship?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

you confronted her? did you confront him? he's distant from you because his mind is filled up with her. make him "come home." read some other EA threads in this forum about how to deal him a hand of "no contact." he's either smitten or still in contact with her.


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## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

voivod said:


> you confronted her? did you confront him? he's distant from you because his mind is filled up with her. make him "come home." read some other EA threads in this forum about how to deal him a hand of "no contact." he's either smitten or still in contact with her.


We all work at the same place. I uncovered this in July, told husband I want to talk to her, she's been avoiding me, finally caught her in the parking garage 2 weeks ago. I aksed what in the world did she think she was doing with my husband? "Just friends, and we talk - he calls me" is what she said. After that, I went off!!!!! Told her "woman to woman, you know better than that". Also told her she has jumped into my territory and thats not a good place she wants to be. She said she wont talk to him again, ever. She might be telling the truth because he's home all the time but distant. I wonder how long will it take him to get over her? And, how long should I wait until he realizes where he wants to be?

He does all the husband things around the house. Buys things for me, always being attentive except in the super personal way like kissing, hugging, telling me I love you. Back in July when this happened, I told him that I think he loves me, but he's not "in love with me" and he didnt comment on what I said so I took it to mean I was right.

I've stopped trying to get affection from him, and he's noticing the difference in me. I'm concentrating on myself right now. He knows and she knows how I feel about their relationship. The rest is up to them.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

you keep implying stuff that "he knows." we're guys. we don't "know" sa#!t. you gotta tell us, i swear.


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## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

voivod said:


> you keep implying stuff that "he knows." we're guys. we don't "know" sa#!t. you gotta tell us, i swear.


I told them both that I DO NOT SHARE MEN! I told him if he still wants to have a relatioinship with her, then we cant be together anymore. He keeps saying she's nothing to him and that I'm making more of this than it is. But come on, they talk on the phone everyday multiple times for the last 2 years that I can track. I just dont believe "its nothing". I think whats really making me angry is that he's lying to me - constantly. If he really cares about her, why doesnt he just move in with her and leave me alone???????


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Lasr60637 said:


> He keeps saying she's nothing to him and that I'm making more of this than it is. But come on, they talk on the phone everyday multiple times for the last 2 years that I can track. I just dont believe "its nothing". I think whats really making me angry is that he's lying to me - constantly. If he really cares about her, why doesnt he just move in with her and leave me alone???????


you: "great honey, if it really IS nothing, you'll have no problem with me demanding that you end all contact. because i see our marriage as greater than "nothing" and this is negatively affecting our marriage. i'm sure an intelligent person such as yourself, sweetheart, can understand that. do you agree?"


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## Melancholy (Nov 15, 2008)

Lasr60637 said:


> Could the total lack of affection and intimacy from my husband be from anger?


I'll tell you one thing that has been a roadblock for me in my relationship with my wife. When I feel my wife is disappointed in me, or holding something against me, I just can't connect with her. Your husband may be feeling that you still haven't forgiven him and hold a grudge against him, and for that reason he is unable to be intimate with you.


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## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

Melancholy said:


> I'll tell you one thing that has been a roadblock for me in my relationship with my wife. When I feel my wife is disappointed in me, or holding something against me, I just can't connect with her. Your husband may be feeling that you still haven't forgiven him and hold a grudge against him, and for that reason he is unable to be intimate with you.


Thats interesting. I hadnt thought of that. Then, what should I do? Initiate affection first?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Lasr60637 said:


> Then, what should I do? Initiate affection first?


You mean to say you have not tried already?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

ah, hell...if he wants it, let him initiate...and make him do ALL the work. make him make you cum first. then go from there....


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## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

I'm trying something different. I'm basically ignoring him and concentrating on myself. We talk only if he starts the conversation. I'm pleasant acting, just aloof. I try not to spend too much time in the same room with him and never look him in the eye. He went out last nite, said he was going to the store at 3:30pm. I was on my computer and didnt look up, just said okay, bye, see ya later. He came home about midnight and I didnt have an attitude, I looked pleasantly at him, said hi! He came over and kissed me on the lips. Wow! I was shocked! Then I turned over and went back to sleep. I think he wanted to do something sexual this morning but I got up earlier than normal, did my bathroom stuff and got dressed quick and went downstairs and cooked him a good breakfast and left it on the table.

He's noticing the difference in me. We'll see what happens.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

This is part of the “Love Must be Tough” theory and can be effective. Just don’t shut him out completely. If he wants to talk, talk. Good luck


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