# Ok here goes nothing



## ImpossibleOutcome (Jun 29, 2012)

I must say I feel so ashamed of myself. I am usually far from the type of person to air my business, but I feel I have come to a point in my life where I am about to lose something I cannot fix. 

For years, my wife has called me abusive because I spoke my mind on issues that were a concern for me (her multiple EAs, her hiding facebook friends, not sharing her life with me, etc). I guess I severely lacked tact in dealing with the issues and felt I was entitled to know the answers of why she did those things. I can say that in all our years of marriage, I have ever only called her a b**** once. However, I've received a lot more in return. I am just so confused about what I have become that I can't stand the fact that I could be the cause of my marriage being broken. I did just start myself in IC to see what it was I was doing to constantly be called abusive. I am usually a patient person, but in this case, I cant wait. I do not want to lose my family, but I really dont want to put up with the EA..


Of course there is A LOT more to our story, but that is the main overview of it. My kids don't want me to leave my home. They are mad at mom for talking about divorcing me and taking them to counseling. Her words verbatim were "I will make them see you as an abuser". I dont know how to take that. 

I just need some advice. I don't want to lose what I have worked so hard for. 

Thanks


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I wish I could help you but I've never been in that spot. I feel for ya man. Stay strong. Sounds like she see's you as the enemy and is going to use the kids to hurt you.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

True, Sin. On the other hand, many emotionally abusive men simply don't have a clue how hurtful their behavior is. I'm glad you are in counseling, OP.

I also have to say, although it's none of my business, your chosen user name is only one letter off that of a very established user here. Since this is your first post, it might be a nice gesture to choose another username to avoid confusion. You could do that by contacting a moderator. Your choice, obviously, but I was confused and I'm sure I'm not the only one.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Listen get the whole story out there. 
Plus you are entitled to know how, who, what, when, and where when an EA or PA happens. She is your wife, if she meant her vows then that mean trust and TRANSPARENCY. So If you ask a question about Bill who is calling her three times a day and sent a her a picture with his shirt off. Then she should answer with the truth. If you don't want her to contact Bill ever again then that is what should happen. 

As for abusive I am not in your house and can not say either way. If you call your wife a ***** which I have before it doesn't necessarily mean it is abuse. My wife has called me an *******, ****ing idiot, all sorts of things in anger. But you live and learn, get some luv's and move on with your life. 
If you push, pinch to harm or inflict pain, threaten bodily harm verbally or with body language, throw objects to harm, slap, and or grab hard enough to harm or not allow person to get away from you when they don't want to be is abuse. There are exceptions when it is sexual in nature except if the other person is unwilling.

Verbal abuse can be call of names, lines like " you are nothing", "no one other than me would ever love you.", and so on an so forth or verbal and emotional abuse. 

If you are mad at finding out your wife is having and EA or PA and the word ***** slips out. I would really think about letting that one slide. Just realize that if you want to R then you need to be mindful that you still love this person.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

well hell if you think that's abusive I think I take the crown and I've only ever called my wife a bltch a ***** and a skank (sorry honey  )a couple hundred times after her affair add a bit of physical abuse to spice the situation and that'll be me


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## ImpossibleOutcome (Jun 29, 2012)

When I have a moment, I will finish with the background, I will. I just wanted to quickly point out that there has been NO physical abuse in my home. I would never put my hands on my wife in that fashion. 

PS - Request for name change submitted. Sorry for the confusion.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> her multiple EAs, her hiding facebook friends, not sharing her life with me


She's emotionaly abusive.


> Her words verbatim were "I will make them see you as an abuser". I dont know how to take that.


She's not only an abuser but a manipulative b!tch.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

So she will have EA and continue to threaten you by taking kids on her side?
How old are your kids? Can they not see who you are to them?
Does your wife think EA is okay in a marriage?
Are you sure that A is not PA?
I think she has well laid fallback arrangements should you serve D papers.


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

Sounds to me like she is the abusive one and is projecting it on to you...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Do not leave your home. She wants a divorce, SHE leaves you and the kids.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Usually, unless a woman has been to IC themselves, they just don't go labeling someone as an abuser. In fact, unless there is physical abuse, sometimes they're the last to know they are in an abusive marriage, because they're so busy jumping through hoops trying to please their spouses. It could be that you are in an abusive relationship, but that you are not the sole entity feeding the toxicity. I suggest you stick with IC and really evaluate whether she could indeed be contributing by being absuive herself while hiding something from you. Listen to the kids, if they are mad at mom there is a reason. You can ask for their counseling records as their parent, it is your concern. She could be a very controlling person, like a wolf in sheep's clothing. In fact, there is a book called Wold in Sheep's Clothing, dealing with manipulative people...there is also a book about abusive relationships. If you feel like you are constantly defending yourself, not getting reciprocity when you reach out sincerely for connection, and can just never do anything right, it could be that you are on the receiving end of abuse. I think it would be wise even to take a break from the household, maybe go on a vacation with your kids without your wife, and see if you feel better about yourself and as a parent. She might say that you are leaving her, running away from a problem, etc. but stick to your guns, tell her that if she is feeling abused you want to give her a break from that, and it's 'apparent' you need to rebuild a relationship with your kids and let them 'run' the trip as they see fit...you are killing two birds with one stone and doing some 'soul searching'. How is she going to complain about that suggestion. lol. An abusive husband does not usually come on a board and write what you wrote and say wow I am abusive I just don't see it how can I fix this? It just doesn't seem to add up in my mind. Even though I've had a brain injury, or maybe because of it, my intuition tells me that you're being abused, and rather cleverly as well.

My husband was abusive and I left him, he came back from deployment and wanted another chance, I let him stay with me in my apartment (he had a house...) and after a few months when he went back to his old ways of cheating, lying, manipulating and it wasn't working because I spent his deployment time taking care of me (counseling, etc.) he said he was feeling abused. I said to him, wow if you are feeling abused I don't want that for you, I think you should go to your house and we can get some distance between us so you can feel comfortable and we should start counseling. Needless to say that didn't go over well, as an abuser will not want to let you leave, ever. They need to keep you around in some way so that they have power and control. The EAs and so forth are just a way of getting under your skin. You can get desensitized to all that but it takes a real dedication to self and therapy. You have to truly want it, to stop feeling the suffering. To stop being attached to getting the abuser to change his or her behavior and instead learn to observe it for what it is, and to respond to it in a way that is not defensive, but is protective of you and rational and level headed. The abuser does not expect you to suddenly become concerned for their emotional health and to make choices to improve their feelings...that's the last thing they expect, they expect you to continue to jump through hoops like gambling and also to be defensive, not to look through rational eyes and to feel, absolutely what it is they are really doing when they are pretending to be the abused party. My ex was always saying he felt insecure, etc. That he didn't understand women. That his women friends 'needed' him because they were having a rough time or were married to his best friend and therefore he had to go to lunch with them, etc. lol I can laugh about it now.


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## ImpossibleOutcome (Jun 29, 2012)

I did leave for a few days. Six actually. To give us time apart. Came home today and was treated like it was the worst mistake I ever made, because I told her not to accuse me of some minor thing that I had no part in. "You made me this way" was the response I got. 

Now I am guilty of giving the silent treatment. I have taken her phone away and stopped supporting her for a few days and have even asked her to leave the house. So yes, I am guilty of some emotional abuse, from what I've read anyway. Now she left to go get food all pissed, so I would imagine its to let everyone know that I decided to come home without telling her first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImpossibleOutcome (Jun 29, 2012)

She has been reading "Should I stay or should I go" and " why does he do that". I started to read the first thinking it was a universal book... seems to be a bit one sided though, in my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

UpsAndDowns said:


> I decided to come home without telling her first.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You actually returned to your own home? Oh, you bounder, you!

OK, let's try an experiment. If you were an outsider, how would YOU describe your marriage?

Who would they think is at fault? You? Her? Or 50/50?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Sounds like you are guilty of everything. Geesh, she needs to man up and understand that it is her responsibility to learn to adjust her communication style if the one she has isn't getting her what she wants. Please don't cut her off financially or prevent her from her usual modes of communication. That is not being on her side at all. You need to demonstrate that you're on her side, in the marriage. That doesn't mean doing everything her way, it just means you are going to play fair. You wouldn't do that to your best buddy, don't do it to her. In fact, you might be better off treating her like a guy and stop trying to repair the traditional male-female relationship, that seems to have got into a bad rut. Try opening up a beer and offering her one, or suggesting a ride to go get ice cream, or whatever. Focus on not focusing on any disagreement and just get out and give yourself a freakin' break. Maybe have sex afterwards, to take the edge off of it. It sounds like she has a bug up her butt about something, you won't get to hear what it really is unless you can neutralize the situation. That was great going away but maybe the framing wasn't as it could have been. :-|


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## ImpossibleOutcome (Jun 29, 2012)

Please dont get me started on the sex...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImpossibleOutcome (Jun 29, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> You actually returned to your own home? Oh, you bounder, you!
> 
> OK, let's try an experiment. If you were an outsider, how would YOU describe your marriage?
> 
> Who would they think is at fault? You? Her? Or 50/50?


Guess that depends. Neither are perfect and obviously there are two sides to every story. I'm probably an evil prick on her eyes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImpossibleOutcome (Jun 29, 2012)

Ok. So I tried to talk to her last night, after being him for a full 24 hours. I was on my way to bed, gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her I loved her. Got nothing in return. I mean, yesterday was fine. We had a non fighting day and small convos here and there, but nothing significant. When I asked about what was going to happen with us because some kind of feedback would be great, she got all snippy and cold.
She did leave for 5 hours yesterday to go on a 8 mile hike at one her favorite Parks or so she said. I have major trust issues with her. One of my older sons questioned, "how are you gone that long, walk that far, wear only a tank top and shorts and not get sunburnt? " I guess I didn't even see that until he mentioned it. So now I wonder if that we even where she was all day. She won't tell me anything.wouldn't even tell me what park, she said she didn't see it as being important information. No contact during that time. 


At this point, I don't feel allowed to sleep in my own bed. She takes all of her personals to the bedroom at night and locks the door. Her mom lent her a laptop, which from my experience with her, just supports the FB addiction. I camteven get her to realize that her EA, the secrecy, and her lying were all emotional abuse also and that is something she has to fix. 

Sigh I love her, but I can't stand the fact that I can feel the seething hatred coming from her and the fact she wont talk and still hides things...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is she having a PA? Her trip to the park does seem to point to that being a possibility. Her attempts to harrass you until you leave your own home point to that as well.

At this point I think you might be wise to keep a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you at all times when you are around her. This way you can record what both of you say. 

My brothers exwife started out accussing him of being abusive just as your wife is doing with you. Before it was over, she was constantly telling him that if he did not do ___(fill in the blank)____ she was going to call the police and tell them what he was physically abusing her. 

He uses a blue tooth for his cell phone and wears it most of the time, even when not on the phone. So she was not aware that he was on calls with me many times when she made this threat. I know what he was doing.. he was not abusing her. He was talking to me, we were doing business. 

He finanally took my advice and moved out to avoid her threats.. but his children were out of high school.

You have younger children apparently, so you should NOT leave your home. Instead you need to protect yourself. So get a VAR and keep it on you so you prove you are not being abusive.

Where are you sleeing these days?

Your wife is being abusive locking you out of your bedroom. You want to sleep with your wife right? So tell her that if she does not want to sleep in the marital bed with you that it is she who has to find somewhere else to sleep.

Tell us about a situation in which she says you are abusing her.. give some details so we can see what is going on.


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## ImpossibleOutcome (Jun 29, 2012)

For years my wife has been on FB. Never had any reason to question anything, or so I thought. One day I decided to join FB and see what it was all about. I connected to a bunch of friends and family that I hadn't talked to in a long time. Anyway, at first I could see everything on my wife's account from mine. Then after a few weeks, I could not see any friends. So I asked why. She told me she did not know and she would look at it. After a couple weeks, I brought it up again and got the same response. Finally I started to ask if there were reasons why she is ignoring the fact that I have a concern and as to the truth of why I am being blocked on her FB. She said she wanted her privacy. Weeks later she admitted to the EA and also told me that she has been an anti monogamous person all her life, but this was the first time I heard about it. Of course I spazzed. I felt destroyed. I feel I have the right to question why, where, who, what, when, and how. Have I ever laid a hand on her? No, never. Have I voiced my concerns to wear my neighbors probably heard me? Unfortunately, most likely. Have I ever talked down to her and called her worthless, or anything like that? Never. After asking to let me see her FB or show me that she is unblocking me, she told me that it would only aggravate the situation and she instead deactivated the account. 

I do know i am guilty of giving the silent treatment, speaking my mind to the point it makes her sad and upset. Getting mad because she lies and hid things from me instead of coming to me. I have recently before taken her phone away, told her to leave, and that I would not support someone who doesn't want to act like a wifeand wanted to act like they had no responsibility in the world. I mean, I supported the means for all of this to happen. I pay for the internet, phone, etc while she gets to be a SAHM while all the kids are in school and she gets all the "her time" to do all this ****. In other words, I work my ass off to provide for my family so that my wife can use the family money to have an EA. I can't say for sure about any PA. I was with my kids all day.

Just so confused and distraught.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ok, she is cheating on you. I'll bet my life savings on it. Heck, she told you to the face that she is a cheater. What do you want to do about it? Get proof? reconcile? divorce?

And stop feeling guilty for asking her not to cheat. That is not abuse. She manipulated you into believing that you were abusive. You are being naive and gullible to a fault. Do you have a support structure to help you?


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## ImpossibleOutcome (Jun 29, 2012)

With my kids involved, I really don't want the divorce except as a last resort. This place is my support. I cut all friends and stuff years ago for her. Reason is, I had a female friend that she didn't like. The friend got emotionally attached but I didn't. I cared, but not enough to lose my family over. My wife split from me for 6 mos and the friend eventually found another job. So to prove that I was going to be completely faithful, I cut out any social life and dedicated myself to my family.

And thank you warlock. Its not that she manipulated me into believing it, its that I started to question if I really have been, after so many years of being to so.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She is using, your normal reactions to what she is doing, as justification to come back at you

There is no privacy in a mge---when the 2 of you took vows, you became an open book to each other---if one wants privacy, THEY STAY SINGLE

Do not ever LEAVE THE HOME AGAIN---is this goes to D. court---her atty. will NAIL YOU FOR ABANDONMENT

Do not stay for the kids---the kids, are already being destroyed---and would be better off in 2 reasonably happy homes, than living in the misery, and unhappiness that they are now in

Carry a VAR on your person at all times, from now on

From what you are saying, there is no reasonable future, with this wife of yours, she wants her freedom, to talk to other men---that is not part of mge---so unless she were to change---there is no future here

Once again---you are not being abusive---you are re-acting normally to what she is doing


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## ImpossibleOutcome (Jun 29, 2012)

Apparently her understanding of her vows dis not include anything concerning monogamy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

If I were a betting lady (and I am), I would bet she has taken whatever she is doing and gone underground with it. She may have re-activated her FB account and blocked you or she may have created another account with another name. 

Do some serious detective work and start doing the 180.


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## ImpossibleOutcome (Jun 29, 2012)

I know for a fact one FB (old one) has been reactivated twice in the last couple of months (now deactivated or completely hidden) and she has another which I was allowed to see when I asked, but I'm sure that offer has been revoked and that one has gone completely private. As for a hidden one, I don't know. I guess it is easier for it to be deleted than opened up for interpretation and questioning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImpossibleOutcome (Jun 29, 2012)

So from the last time I posted, here is what I have gotten:

1. Cold shouldered. Even though she looked at me pitifully because she felt dizzy, had a headache and did not feel good. I did get her some food, water, and talked to her a little bit about why she thought she was feeling that way.

2. 3 hours later. Got accused of allowing my son to "act like me" when he yelled at her for not doing anything but sitting on her phone all day and not having any interaction with him and the other kids since I have been home. At that point, she threw her phone across the kitchen. Threw a flower pot (got that picture) into the sink causing things to break and food residue to go everywhere. (Apparently my fault for not loading the dishwasher lol). She left for about an hour... said she didnt know where she was going and when she came back, locked herself in the bedroom. 

3. She got in the shower and apparently when she went to dry her hair, she started feeling dizzy again. Didnt say anything until she got in "her" bed. (Yes, still sleeping on the basement futon). Went to make sure she was ok. Got 0 indication that she wanted anything to do with me in any fashion, other than to be take care of while she was sick.

Today, I was told that she will not talk about the EA at all, and I am pretty much expected to put up with anything she does. Verbatim was told to get rid of the jealousy, as of yesterday. Tried to explain that if she thought jealousy was my reaction to her EA, she was mistaken. Accused of wanting to be controlling because I want to know what things are going on. 

My IC asked if she would join in eventually when he felt that it was time for her to be involved. When I mentioned it to her, the best answer I got is, maybe. She has made appts for herself to go to IC. However, since I am a contractor, we currently do not have insurance. So she decides to call a battered women's shelter to get free counseling for her and the kids. She will not tell me what shelter it is through because she feels I may "take it away from her and the kids". Why would I want that? Trust me, my kids want to talk to a counselor SO BAD. Honestly, I think it is because she doesnt want them finding out that I am possibly not as abusive as she thinks I am and that it may affect her if it comes to court. 


She did tell me that at this point, she does not want any type of relationship at all. Apparently I am included in that. Oh, almost forgot. She told me years ago about a sexual encounter that happened 6 years ago(we were separated and it almost got me fired because she didnt show up until 8am the next morning) was actually a date rape. She would not talk to me about it nor was it reported. I was told that my response of "How would I know?" was making fun of her situation, when it was brought up a few weeks ago. So... 


She has called me a threat, abusive and blind to my reactions to things. Never once have I laid a hand on my wife. As I stated before, I am guilty of the silent treatment or stonewalling, being loud, etc, but never told her she was worthless.... 

I sit here now looking at her while she knits and she will not even look at me. It's one of those situations that you can feel the seething hatred creeping across the room with a maniacal laughter in the distance. My kids are playing video games, because thats all she will allow them to do, because she forces them to go to parks all the time, that they dont want to go to. 


So for the rambling... just felt like typing.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Talk to a lawyer yesterday, man. Find out your rights. Watch finances. Envision a life with out this abusive woman. Drop the dead weight. The "shelter thing" is very worrisome, given what you just posted you don't know how vicious she come become, she's very capable to charge yoy with false allegations. Happens evey day. Carry a VAR always with you, start documenting her erratic behavior with you and the kids.
She's also like cheating in this very moment. 
Start implementing the 180 --> The 180 degree rules. Take care of you and your children.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> Weeks later she admitted to the EA and also told me that she has been an anti monogamous person all her life,


And that is, of course, why she got married. 

Maybe someone should provide a computer programme called: "Cheater's History Rewriter" which would automatically rewrite history for cheaters, to save them the time and effort?


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## ImpossibleOutcome (Jun 29, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> And that is, of course, why she got married.
> 
> Maybe someone should provide a computer programme called: "Cheater's History Rewriter" which would automatically rewrite history for cheaters, to save them the time and effort?


Apparently, she was under the impression I was the same way when we got married. The conversation just didn't come up until 8 1/2 years into our marriage. Guess it was fairly disappointing when she figured out I wasn't. Things haven't been the same since then.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

There is a poster called CoGuy. Read his posts. Your wife seems to have a lot of mental disorders on top of infidelity. Save your kids and your sanity. Do you have hope that she will change?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> One of my older sons questioned, "how are you gone that long, walk that far, wear only a tank top and shorts and not get sunburnt? " I guess I didn't even see that until he mentioned it.


Your kid is looking at this stuff with a sharper eye than you... Little ****** has his mom figured out for sure. Lucky you have that smart lad with you.



> Finally I started to ask if there were reasons why she is ignoring the fact that I have a concern and as to the truth of why I am being blocked on her FB. She said she wanted her privacy.


You should have dropped the hammer right here. Her "privacy"? The woman that sleeps with you, wakes up with you, showers with you (maybe) and privy to your life history wants her "privacy"??? 

There are only three reasons a woman insists on her "privacy". She is doing something ladylike stuff (shaving her legs or some beauty thing she doesn't want you to see and you should respect that), some sort of ugly family secret (ok as long as you are not affected directly) or she wants to hide information regarding other men (as in she is cheating or one of her lady friends is).

In FB it's almost always the later. 



> Weeks later she admitted to the EA and also told me that she has been an anti monogamous person all her life


Pretty weird thing for a married person to say! When was she thinking of telling you this?



> She told me years ago about a sexual encounter that happened 6 years ago(we were separated and it almost got me fired because she didnt show up until 8am the next morning) was actually a date rape.


 Can you elaborate a bit on this? You were separated but were waiting for her?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm going to repeat that you need to get a VAR. This woman is setting you up to look like an abuser. You might even want to put a hidden video cam in your house... in the public rooms... not bedrooms or bathrooms. This way if she accusses you of violence you have a video showing what really happened.

See an attorney, find out what your rights are and file for divorce. 

She thinks that she can treat you the way she wants and you will keep supporting her like a dope. So far she's right. Show her that you are a reasonable man but that you have limits and the limits have been crossed.

Do not move out of your house. You stay with your children. If she wants to leave she can. Talk to your attorney about preventing her from taking the children if she moves out.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Chicks can really screw with us when there are other guys in the picture. There is a shift in power that tells them they can take us or leave us and since we are so f^cked up and put up with there sh!t they keep us around.

So once you stop tolorating it and the fact that you are no longer going to share your wife be it emotional or physicaly and have the confidence to let them go....well then the "controlling" label and the "abusive" label really doesn't have the effect it once had.

So my man, maybe you are a complete @ssh0le but that doesn't change the fact that you diserve good thing and get appretiated for the good things you do do...in return.

It kind of sucks when we get labeled so that they have the control...well I say enough. Be a good kind caring person that protects whats his and if the poeple we love don't want that protection then let them go and we can go find someone that does.

Thats my $o.o2


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Woman in abusive situations would be advised to take the kids and go to a womens shelter.
im not sure there is a mans shelter or you would qualify so i say talk to a lawyer, do the hidden camera thing, then empty the bank accounts, empty it all if the house is in your name only call a realestate agent and put it on the market or let it go into foreclosure. Do that part over the phone. Because you wont be there anylonger. you took the kids and ran.
Let her find you and file on it in whatever state she can find you in.

That is what they tell the women to do in the reverse situation. so go for it. good for the goose, good for the gander. clean it all out and GO.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

ImpossibleOutcome said:


> Today, I was told that she will not talk about the EA at all, and I am pretty much expected to put up with anything she does. Verbatim was told to get rid of the jealousy, as of yesterday. Tried to explain that if she thought jealousy was my reaction to her EA, she was mistaken.


 You are letting the cheater dictate every topic exclusively from her point of view. She cheats and from her point of view she does not like that you are jealous that she is cheating; incredibly you buy into her bull and tell her that you are not jealous when she cheats. Dude jealousy is not the issue, her cheating is. You have a right to be jealous and a whole lot more when she cheats. Rather than deny being jealous, you should embrace it and get angry about her cheating enough to have actionable consequences for her if she continues.

Example of actionable consequences if she continues cheating: She is a stay at home wife, so stop funding her cheating. Ignore her anger and cut her off from all money. Start depositing all your pay into a separate account. Move 1/2 of all money already in the bank into a separate account. Without telling her, cancel her credit cards, cancel the Internet to your home and cancel her cell phone service. Give her no money and shop for food and such yourself. Pay all bills yourself. When she gets angry, tell her that you have had enough of her cheating and are setting things up for divorce. Tell her that if she wants to cheat she needs to pay for it herself. Let her know that in all divorce settlements the court will expect her to get a job so she needs to begin looking for work now.

Stop talking and complaining (it is embarrassing) and start doing.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

ImpossibleOutcome, you're being played for a fool. I am not a betting man, but this is one of those cases where I would confidently stake my right eye - she's in the middle of an affair. She is doing everything in her power to paint you as the villain in the marriage to more easily justify the affair in her mind. What's really tragic is that you're _eating it up_. You are actually buying her nonsense and accusations and feeling genuinely guilty about it, all the while she is having an affair (or more than one affair) behind you back.

On top of the emotional abuse she is dishing-out, she is also physically abusive. Throwing things around? Breaking stuff? Sorry mate, but that is _way_ over the line. How far will you let her carry on with her tantrums? What is she nails you with the phone next time? What if she beans her son in the face by mistake next time? 

Listen, ImpossibleOutcome. She is playing you for a sap precisely _because_ you don't want a divorce. She has you completely wrapped around her finger. All she has to do is cry and call you a "bad husband" or an "abuser" and you run _straight_ to her and do whatever you can and try and prove her wrong. It's utterly childish behavior, and you are so emotionally distraught you can't see it.

You son is a clever boy. He can see his mother's behavior for what it is. He isn't letting himself be manipulated by his mother's nonsense or abuse. He's not afraid to stand up and call her out. Why are you? Afraid she'll cry wolf? Get a Voice Activated Recorder and carry it around with you whenever you're home. 

Considering how volatile your wife is, I think gathering information about her affair would be counter-productive. I really, _really_ think you should get yourself to a lawyer, get some legal counsel, and file for divorce. You son seems to know what's going on - I'm sure he can take a divorce. 

Your wife, quite simply, doesn't sound like marriage material. Don't feel obligated to stay married to her.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

When your wife tells your she never believed in monogamy (total bull****), that she believed you shared this (more bull, you never talked about this nonsense) and "share" on her own she was having an EA (the sanitized, minimized version, obviously for her adventage, straight from the 1rst page of the cheater handbook) she's telling you she's a serial cheater, which include EAs, dayly cibersex with tons of strangers (that's why she locks the bedroom every night) and PAs (the odd errands, MIA time, she likely has a regular ****buddy of is trolling Graiglist/AFF/AshMad sites).
Wake up.
Then the whole abuse...
Google codependency, start the 180, lawyer up. Your children will be better with a healthy parent.


You want to mes with her head? Smash the new labtop. You doen'st know what she's talking about, what labtop?
Just kidding, Set up an apointment with a tech guy and "borrow it" for a few hours, you will find out the horrors that maybe will help you to wake up.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Wow your wife is calling all the shots.

And she has cheated on you in the past and is most likely engaged in some form of infidelity.

She needs the IC more than you but she will never go.

And yes she is bulding a case against you and using your kids against you.

Do not let that happen.

Block FB on your home router.

Put a few vars in the house and car hidden real well. hiking my ass!

And take the damn lock off the bedroom dor for now. It is your room too!

Let her sleep on the futon.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

How can you sit there and take this blatant abuse?

For crying out loud, *STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!*

You're worried and think you need to apologize to ANYONE
for raising your voice to your cheating spouse who drops bombs
on you and your family like that?

Man, you need the 180 in the *WORST* way.

Take the proper steps. _*LISTEN*_ to the advice you get here.
What you're doing isn't working at all and she's making you look foolish.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

You need at least 3 VARs and a stack of fresh batteries. You are headed straight into a trap if she's already threatened to frame you.

Make no mistake: if she starts acting physically abusive and hits you, you get on the phone with the police. The first to call gets the benefit of the doubt. Any moves like that are intended to provoke you so lock yourself in a bedroom and call, or she will get your butt landed in jail faster than you can count to 3.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Many psychiatrists believe that an affair EA or PA is an act of aggression and very abusive. 

If she is so unhappy with you she can 

A -suggest counseling.

B- file for divorce. 

I think as someone else mentioned your wife is the abuser and is projecting it onto you. 

Also, a lot of cheaters disassociate and they don't see their true selves.

So she may in her mind believe she is doing nothing wrong.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

cantthinkstraight said:


> You're worried and think you need to apologize to ANYONE
> for raising your voice to your cheating spouse who drops bombs
> on you and your family like that?


Raising your voice and arguing with a cheating spouse is a normal reaction. 

Lack of anger shows a disinterest in the marriage.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

ImpossibleOutcome said:


> I know for a fact one FB (old one) has been reactivated twice in the last couple of months (now deactivated or completely hidden) and she has another which I was allowed to see when I asked, but I'm sure that offer has been revoked and that one has gone completely private. As for a hidden one, I don't know. I guess it is easier for it to be deleted than opened up for interpretation and questioning.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My wife deact. her FB account also. But I discovered you can reactivate your FB simply by signing in. SO technically she could deact. by day-- react. by night-- every night.

Keylogger.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Raising your voice and arguing with a cheating spouse is a normal reaction.
> 
> Lack of anger shows a disinterest in the marriage.


I set my neighborhood on fire on Dday and I didn't 
give one rats arse who heard me.

Apologize for my reaction? HELL NO.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bribrius said:


> Woman in abusive situations would be advised to take the kids and go to a womens shelter.
> im not sure there is a mans shelter or you would qualify so i say talk to a lawyer, do the hidden camera thing, then empty the bank accounts, empty it all if the house is in your name only call a realestate agent and put it on the market or let it go into foreclosure. Do that part over the phone. Because you wont be there anylonger. you took the kids and ran.
> Let her find you and file on it in whatever state she can find you in.
> 
> That is what they tell the women to do in the reverse situation. so go for it. good for the goose, good for the gander. clean it all out and GO.


There are shelters that take abused men as well. However it's not clear that the OP is being abused at the level that would qualify him for intervention of that type. The shelters are full of women and men who are physically abused, he's not.
I’m not trying to down play the mental/emotional abuse his wife is doing. But he is physically safe at this time.

On emptying the bank accounts. If he empties them she can get an emergency hearing to order him to give her money and support her. His doing this will bolster her contention that he is abusive of her… for him to not provide for her financially, since it’s the status quo, would be a form of economic abuse and will look bad for him in court.

Running off to another state and hiding with the chidlren is looked down on by the courts as well.

OP,

Check with an attorney before doing anything with finances or your children. Here are the things that have been successfully done in the cases that I’ve been involved in.

Open accounts in your name only and the move 75% of all joint monies, etc into your name only. Your reasoning for not leaving her 50% is that your are paying all the bills and taking care of the children. If you need more than 75% to cover these expenses then take that. But leave her enough to go rent a small place of her own if you can afford that. If not leave her some spending money. An attorney can help you figure this out.

Have your paycheck be direct deposited into your personal account. Then giver her only what your attorney tells you to give her. 

Do not run off with the children. She can get a court order for you to return the children to the family home. At that point you would most likely not be allowed to move back into the family home as taking unilaterally taking the children is usually seen as an act of aggression by the courts. And if you run off to another state, no longer have a job and no longer have a home you are in a world of hurt for getting even visitation with your children. This would put you in a very bad legal position.

Talk to your attorney about filing and getting a court order stating that neither of you can move the children from the family home until the court decides custody, etc.

She cannot force you out of the family home. It’s your legal residence. Do not move out. Just tell her that if she wants to continue her affair(s) and being abuse she can move out. But she cannot take the children or any community property. It is not abusive to tell a spouse to either be respectful of you and your marriage or leave.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> You need at least 3 VARs and a stack of fresh batteries. You are headed straight into a trap if she's already threatened to frame you.
> 
> Make no mistake: if she starts acting physically abusive and hits you, you get on the phone with the police. The first to call gets the benefit of the doubt. Any moves like that are intended to provoke you so lock yourself in a bedroom and call, or she will get your butt landed in jail faster than you can count to 3.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep and this is why you need to have a VAR on you at all times.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> Raising your voice and arguing with a cheating spouse is a normal reaction.
> 
> Lack of anger shows a disinterest in the marriage.


I agree with this 100%.

However in the case of the OP, because it sounds like she's trying to build the case that he is abusive, he needs to learn to express his anger without raising his voice. It's hard but can be done.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ImpossibleOutcome,

There are creative ways that you can cut off your wife’s internet access.

What kind of internet connections do you use in your home from each room?

I’ll give you an example. In my home we have hardwired internet coming into my office. From there here is CAT 5 running to my kids bedrooms. The kids are in college and everything for their classes are online to include many exams. We also have WiFi router for WiFi access everywhere else in the house.

So if my husband locked himself in the bedroom with a lap top I would just unplug the WiFi router... there is no hard wire CAT 5 going to that bedroom.

If there is hard wire access to the bedroom she’s using I’m sure that something can happen to the connection. It would not be hard to get into the wall box and ‘fix’ the wire. Then refuse to have anyone come out to fix it.

How handy is she with a wire stripper and repairing a cut cable? 

Additionally you might want to put a VAR in the master bedroom when she’s locked in there at night. You might not like what you capture but there is a good chance that you will get her on the phone talking about what she’s up to and with he OM(en). She will most likely call her female friends and talk about what she’s up to as well.

If you use a VAR do not let her know you are recording her.

When you get any info, keep it very quiet and just keep collecting information. do not act until you have enough info to prove an affair or more, until you have names for the OM(en), etc.

If you need help keeping your composure, this is a good place to sound off and get it out of your system.


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