# So, He Bought the Car



## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

I posted previously about how we were looking at buying a car. Well, my husband went ahead and made a decision. I am a bit upset about this decision but am trying to let him be the man of the house by making this decision. I would have rather waited as the car type of car we were looking at would have been available (which I told him on the day we were at the dealer.) Anywhoo, the car note is almost $100 more than what I know we can afford and the insurance is a bit higher than expected too. All he kept saying was "I need to get you a car; you'll be starting nursing school in January" Well, I'm fine the way I'm getting to school now and was not interested in new debt. We are going to end up using our tax refund to pay the car note, but we're not going to get the tax money until March at the earliest. So what are we going to do from January until then? Also, he said he was willing to sacrifice his monthly spending allowance he gets to cover the overage in the car note. I think this is a horrible idea. Why would you want a new car, but you don't have any money to go spend and enjoy life. I understand the good he's trying to do. I don't know, I'd sacrifice for something urgent like an unexpected medical bill for us or the kid or to cover an renter's insurance deductible, but a car? When we just could have waited.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

maccheese said:


> I posted previously about how we were looking at buying a car. Well, my husband went ahead and made a decision. I am a bit upset about this decision but am trying to let him be the man of the house by making this decision.I don't agree with this. Sorry, but a husband and wife should have equal input in large purchases.
> 
> I would have rather waited as the car type of car we were looking at would have been available (which I told him on the day we were at the dealer.) Anywhoo, the car note is almost $100 more than what I know we can afford and the insurance is a bit higher than expected too. All he kept saying was "I need to get you a car; you'll be starting nursing school in January" Well, I'm fine the way I'm getting to school now and was not interested in new debt. We are going to end up using our tax refund to pay the car note, but we're not going to get the tax money until March at the earliest. So what are we going to do from January until then?Sounds like he didn't think this through. Why is his opinion more important than yours? Also, he said he was willing to sacrifice his monthly spending allowance he gets to cover the overage in the car note. I think this is a horrible idea. Why would you want a new car, but you don't have any money to go spend and enjoy life.This is why my husband does not want to buy property. It seems like there is a huge power imbalance in your marriage. I understand the good he's trying to do. I don't know, I'd sacrifice for something urgent like an unexpected medical bill for us or the kid or to cover an renter's insurance deductible, but a car? When we just could have waited.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

I don't know if its about his opinion being more important, but being the one who thinks these through and likes to take the safe route in the finances, you really do get tired of seeming like you're always saying "no". One of his responses to me was "can you give me a chance to fail?" He doesn't understand that if he fails "we" fail. He fails "we" have to pay. In this instance, "we" weren't willing to pay for this possible mishap. "He" can't pay on his own if the money is not there for the car note. "I" have to look the budget for January and February now, to figure out how to cover this. I am tired being the one who thinks things through. I know he's going to complain that he has no spending money. 

Also, I told him, I could not give up my monthly spending allowance for a car. We are already strapped for cash, and I need that so I can "do me" sometimes (most of time I'm buying stuff for my kid anyway and its a small $100 which I try very hard to make sure it lasts 30 days.) I still don't get to shop on a regular, I don't get my air done, I don't wear makeup. There are many things I want to do and don't get to do them and I was not interested in giving up the bit of financial freedom I had for a car.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

Also, I agree that both partners should have equal say in large purchases, but what happens when you continue to disagree. We've been looking at car options since August. We've passed up a couple of things that would not have fit our budget. My husband kept pressing me to purchase sooner and I just got tired of the pressure. I told him at one point, I'm not going to change my mind and I want to keep looking until we find what we're looking for. I even put a deadline on it. 3-6 more months. He "said" he wanted us to make the decision together because he knew I would be upset if this messed us up financially. He kept pressuring me anyway. Its not that my opinion is not important, but the man is supposed to be able to make the decisions that he feels is best for the household and sometimes I go along.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

If you feel that the man should rule the home, you have nothing to complain about. You have allowed this dynamic in your marriage, so you have to accept whatever decisions your husband makes.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> If you feel that the man should rule the home, you have nothing to complain about. You have allowed this dynamic in your marriage, so you have to accept whatever decisions your husband makes.


Never said that, but grown people will do what they want.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

In a marriage, it is not fair to make such big decisions, without heeding the words and feelings of your spouse. People who do not wish to share decisions need to be alone. What he does directly affects your quality of life!

You wrote: "Its not that my opinion is not important, but the man is supposed to be able to make the decisions that he feels is best for the household and sometimes I go along."

This means that your husband has the final say, hence the reason I said he rules the marriage.

I think what he did was disrespecful and selfish. However, you have said that you feel it was your husband's choice to make. If you were not comfortable with whatever he came up with, it would have been better if you took an active role in the decision making process.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

I took an active role for several months and again, its not about him ruling, I should be able to trust that my husband can make good decisions that are right for the family.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

maccheese said:


> I took an active role for several months and again, its not about him ruling, I should be able to trust that my husband can make good decisions that are right for the family.


If you took an active role and asserted that your views were important, your husband could not just go out and buy the car.

I agree that you should be able to trust his decisions, but this particular choice seems like a bad one for both of you.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*If you took an active role and asserted that your views were important, your husband could not just go out and buy the car.*

Yes he could.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Not if he has any respect for his wife or her feelings.

This could NEVER happen in my marriage. We share decision making, which means that going behind the other spouse's back is unacceptable.


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

I won't get into the decision-making process, that ain't my forte. But I will comment on the purchase itself as it pertains to budgeting as I have considerable experience in this area. The OP doesn't say if the car is new or used. My response here is that for a family with a very tight budget, buying new makes no sense at all due to the instant depreciation as soon as the car is driven off the lot. Such a family should never pay retail for new cars; their funds would be much better spent getting themselves out of whatever situation they're in. The only exception might be if you intend to keep the car for at least 10 years which would give you several years of no car payment once the loan is done. Even then, the purchase still has to fit today's budget, not tomorrow's.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

It's a shiny new car! Squirrel!!!

I will never understand (some) men's fascination with what I also view as a horrible investment. 

Your husband could probably talk until blue in the face WHY you needed this particular car. It doesn't matter. It gave him a hard on and he just HAD to have it. And now he does. 

If the bills get behind, so be it. It's just money. This was obviously important to him, rationale and logic do not apply here. It's a man thing. Seriously. His ego is happy. His wallet will be empty.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Aside from the issues of respect and consulting one another on large purchases... hold him to his "I will give up my spending money" line. Apply all of his spending money to the car note. Do you have money in an "eating out" category? Apply as much money from that to your car note as necessary. If you don't have that, slice your grocery budget. These are line items that you can control. You've just assumed debt that you weren't well prepared for - so you need to make sure you can pay it off without incurring other problems.

Do you get cable TV? Maybe get rid of that. Cut out a home phone if you have cell phones. 

I bet if he has no spending money, no meals out, and no cable TV, he doesn't buy any more cars you don't need. But that's just my opinion....

(And keep your spending money. He made the stupid decision, he can literally pay for it.)

I feel for you. I control 99% of our budget. My husband comes home and tells me when he spent fifty cents, and I write it down. I hate it. But this is how it has to be, because we are financially struggling due to some serious issues beyond our control. Thanks to BOTH of our dedication, we are paying all our bills and incurring no new debt - but it takes TOTAL dedication from BOTH of us. You don't have to be as strict as I am (neither of us gets any spending money at all), but you still have to balance the darn thing at the end of the month. Do what you have to to keep it balanced.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

omega said:


> Aside from the issues of respect and consulting one another on large purchases... hold him to his "I will give up my spending money" line. Apply all of his spending money to the car note. Do you have money in an "eating out" category? Apply as much money from that to your car note as necessary. If you don't have that, slice your grocery budget. These are line items that you can control. You've just assumed debt that you weren't well prepared for - so you need to make sure you can pay it off without incurring other problems.
> 
> Do you get cable TV? Maybe get rid of that. Cut out a home phone if you have cell phones.
> 
> ...


Thanks everyone for their responses. I pretty much control the budget as well, thats how I know what we can afford. I like the idea of the spending money because it lets each of us have some of our own control without monitoring. I personally get tired of hounding my husband, who is a grown man, about his spending, but he always finds a way to give it up and then complain. Last year we had to have the engine replaced and he chose the most expensive way to go about that (he complained the whole time we were paying the money back, even though I told him in advance we should go more economical). This year, its an additional car ( it is used.) I already did the budget for January and we are going to come up short. Now, "I" not "him" have to to figure out how to shift monies around to make this stretch. I guess I'll be okay. I'll probably soothe myself with cookies and some me time with my spending money.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

{{Hugs}}

Being the one in charge of the family budget is hard and thankless. We have to be the meanies who say "we can't afford that," and we shoulder most of the stress, and of course all the work. It's tough. I feel ya on the cookies.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Have you ever asked him why he makes such poor financial decisions?


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> Have you ever asked him why he makes such poor financial decisions?


Its just poor thinking about how money works. He "imagines" that money will be there. Just because you have a job and a paycheck does not mean you can buy whatever you want. My mother and his mother does the same thing. They "imagine" that money is there (or going to be there, as if money increases with every paycheck) instead of looking at numbers, looking at a budget. He's spends money without actually knowing what's in the bank and knowing what the money in the bank is for. I've been unemployed for over a year now. He actually made a comment the other day that he didn't know I still claimed unemployment. WTH!!! Do you think groceries and diapers just walk in the house?! He saw I had some extra money in my bank account and he got all stressed about it being there expecting me to spend this money on something he wants. Hello, did you forget I was in school and have to pay tuition?! Its financial aid thats BORROWED money for school expenses. I do go to classes several times a week. 

He asked me to take over the budget and I did and as a result our household has done better, but he wants to get mad when he can't do what he wants to do. Trust me, I've told him he can review things at anytime and do the budget. His response: "well I'm already mad now, if I have to look at those numbers all the time, I'll probably be even more upset." He doesn't want to face the reality of our financial situation. He thinks its "just life" to struggle, have no savings, and not be prepared when "things happen" instead of facing reality to at least try to make it better. I do believe you can save (even if its a little). I do believe you can prepare yourself for when life happens sometimes. But you can't do that if you spend and overspend every dollar every paycheck with car notes you can't afford, eating out all the time, gasing the car up to drive all over the city, whining about cable tv, whining about clothes (you won't even wear). Just complain complain complain!


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

omega said:


> {{Hugs}}
> 
> Being the one in charge of the family budget is hard and thankless. We have to be the meanies who say "we can't afford that," and we shoulder most of the stress, and of course all the work. It's tough. I feel ya on the cookies.


Thanks! I'm really tired of this position though. I say we can't afford something his response is "well you're always buying stuff." Hmmm...it seems that way doesn't it. Well it would, because when I get money, I hold on to it. I don't go blow it right away. So if I walk in two months later with a new pair of shoes (20 dollar shoes) because the ones I've had for the last five years have had it, its because I held on to my money so I can use it when I please. Remember when you had money? You decided to blow it the same day by going out to eat or going on the 400 dollar fishing trip with your friends, or driving 50 miles to go fish somewhere (yep, thats gas and bait and lunch for those days.) But it seems like I'm always buying something. Thats because I believe in savings. Thats because I think ahead. Thats because I believe in delayed gratification because I know money doesn't grow on trees and there are bills to pay.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I see. It doesn't seem like it makes sense to leave large purchases up to him. Your husband seems rather fanciful and immature about money. As much as you feel that he should have the final say as the man, it is painfully clear that your husband cannot handle that role when it comes to money.

I am horrible with money, but even I don't naively believe that extra cash will just magically show up.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

We've been married 5 years, H is on car number 8. Because of his yapping, I'm on car number 4 (all used). He gets a vehicle, sells it (gas too much - big SUV), gets something economical and wants SUV. He wants a Hummer now like WTF? He's on my a$$ to trade my van (had it a year). Now he pays his own vehicle, insurance and gas and I pay mine. Screw it, I'm not paying his poor choices. He wants a truck for hauling garbage (we live in city with garbage pick up) and expects me to throw in half. Nope. Wants me to get SUV and old van (we have 4 kids and grandchild on the way) to save gas. Seriously - insuring all these vehicles uses up any gas savings. I don't get how men think.
In your case, hold him to his bargain he made and seriously consider a different way to split finances or he'll spend you to the poor house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> I see. It doesn't seem like it makes sense to leave large purchases up to him. Your husband seems rather fanciful and immature about money. As much as you feel that he should have the final say as the man, it is painfully clear that your husband cannot handle that role when it comes to money.
> 
> I am horrible with money, but even I don't naively believe that extra cash will just magically show up.


You are right. I just get tired of being the mean one. Can you believe he asked me if I want to get the windows tinted? I jut walked away before I threw something at him.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

maccheese said:


> You are right. I just get tired of being the mean one. Can you believe he asked me if I want to get the windows tinted? I jut walked away before I threw something at him.


:lol::lol::lol: You are my kind of woman. 

You are NOT "mean." You are sensible and practical. Your husband is lucky that you are not one of those wives, who spend too much money on shoes or clothes. Don't buy into whatever guilt trip he lays on you.

My husband handles our budget. We are moving next April and I have been looking at apartment listings in our price range. I saw one place that was slightly out of budget and my husband calmly told me that it was not affordable. What is so wrong with setting limits?


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