# When He Changes



## Hera (Jun 30, 2009)

Has anyone tried making a Marriage Treatise of sorts, writing down the things you really want out of the relationship, and agreeing to try to provide those for each other, as a way to repair things and keep your relationship on track in the future?

Gawd, I never thought I'd be in a forum like this.

My husband's personality and activities have entirely changed in the last few years and I cannot accept him the way he now is--cold and disrespectful, and getting worse.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I was with someone for years ( before I met my husband) who was cold and disrespectful... he was also controlling.
Trust me, they don't get better or more loving, what you see is what you get !!! and I honestly don't know how anyone can come to accept being treated that way.
I walked out on him before the wedding and now looking back it was the best thing I ever did, because I found someone who is kind, loving, respectful. I believe its better to find a person who is already as is, rather than try to change someone.
I learned big lessons in that situation with the old BF, things some people will never know or learn...
I feel lucky I was able to escape a lifetime ( or even a few years) with that jerk.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Hera may we asked when he changed? was there some point in your lives that he changed? birth of a baby? change of jobs? etc?

was he very active at one point and not so active anymore?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

If your husband’s behaviors have change over the last few years there is a reason. It could be unhappiness in the marriage, career, substance abuse….. But he can change back to the man you fell in love with and married. He is at his core the same person. I think if he is willing to do the list, it is a great way to get your needs and wants out in front of each other. You might discover what the source of his behavior is. If you don’t address the core issues the marriage will continue to decay. I myself became cold and controlling of my wife after 18 years of marriage. It required a near melt down of the marriage for me to see what had happened, why I was unhappy and how that behavior drove her to another man. (EA) It was only then that I realized that I must change and did. Our marriage is still in recovery but we are both happier then we have been in years. We both treat each other with respect, compassion and support. Spouses can and do change. There is hope but he needs to understand how you feel and vice versa.


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## Hera (Jun 30, 2009)

GAsoccerman said:


> Hera may we asked when he changed? was there some point in your lives that he changed? birth of a baby? change of jobs? etc?
> 
> was he very active at one point and not so active anymore?


My position on this is it is not my responsibility to figure out the source/cause of the problem nor to fix it. One of the problems is my overresponsible nature. It enables him to not change but rather minimally comply with what I ask him to do. He then has a handy person to blame when it doesn't work. Not this time--it's his responsibility to figure out what's wrong and fix it.

Of course I have my theories. For the sake of privacy I will say it was things external to us that happened, the usual life stressors. 

He was not like this for most of the time I've known him, just recently. I do not accept the situation nor am I willing to continue living under these circumstances. I do believe a person can change their behavior if they want to.


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## Hera (Jun 30, 2009)

Amplexor, thanks for being so candid about your situation. It gives me hope.

I'll let you know what happens.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Hera said:


> My position on this is it is not my responsibility to figure out the source/cause of the problem nor to fix it.


If you want to succeed you will need to rethink this. Usually when a marriage goes on the rocks there are reasons on both sides. You need to understand his problem, needs, wants just as he does yours. Only then can you both try to make changes to improve.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

His problem is your problem, too. If you won't and he can't change (especially if he doesn't recognize it)...then it's over.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Stubborness never wins in a battle.

You need to communicate to him what is bothering you. If you don't he will have no idea and your resentment will only grow, Which seems to be the case.


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## Hera (Jun 30, 2009)

hmm...I don't see where in my posts I implied I hadn't communicated.

It is my responsibility to articulate objective statements about his behavior and its effect on our relationship, and to articulate my needs.

It is not my responsibility to psychoanalyze his reasons for such behavior. I've done that for years and it only enables him to reject my hypotheses or blame me when the analysis doesn't help.

He needs to get in touch with himself so he can stop these behaviors and prevent them from happening again, perhaps with the assistance of a professional. I can't imagine why people are suggesting psychoanalysis is my responsibility?

_Oh, you're being crappy to me again? Well lie down on this nice black couch here honey and let's talk about your childhood........_

That's what's called bad boundaries.


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## Hera (Jun 30, 2009)

Anyway, my question is:


Hera said:


> Has anyone tried making a Marriage Treatise of sorts, writing down the things you really want out of the relationship, and agreeing to try to provide those for each other, as a way to repair things and keep your relationship on track in the future?


I Googled it further this afternoon and can't find any mention of it. Seems like a reasonable solution.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

preso said:


> I was with someone for years ( before I met my husband) who was cold and disrespectful... he was also controlling.
> Trust me, they don't get better or more loving, what you see is what you get


really? they don't change? all of them? _never?_i would like to introduce you to...*me*.

i hated the way i was. i'm no longer controlling, disrespectful, cold. i can see that me from here. i sucked. but i have changed. so much for your "absolute" theory. go ahead..ask me how.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

voivod said:


> really? they don't change? all of them? _never?_i would like to introduce you to...*me*.
> 
> i hated the way i was. i'm no longer controlling, disrespectful, cold. i can see that me from here. i sucked. but i have changed. so much for your "absolute" theory. go ahead..ask me how.



People generally don't change their personalities. 
Back years ago with the guy I was with, he only got worse, what started as concern and help turned into total control and a jerk. I got tired of it and realized I did not want to spend my days with someone like that, so I left him and found a man 
who was none of those things ( controlling, etc).
I do not believe in hard relationships nor can I be with someone or want to, someone who is controlling, disrespectful, cold or that sucks... that to me is not a realtionship I want or will tolerate. I believe some people are just not compatible and I found someone who is easy to get along with, loving and caring. It was the best thing I ever did. Far as my ex...
he is still alone, no wonder. 
Most people are like me and do not want someone with those traits nor will they tolerate them.
If your waiting for your husband to change... you may be waiting a lifetime, and it still may never happen.


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## Hera (Jun 30, 2009)

preso said:


> People generally don't change their personalities.


That may be, but this thread about someone who did.

Anyhow, I didn't intend to start a discussion about my issues as they are not something I would discuss on the Internet.

I was just asking the question I posed in the OP.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Hera said:


> hmm...I don't see where in my posts I implied I hadn't communicated.


your posts don't communicate the issues very well, only generally. maybe that's where the implication came from....


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

People say they want a 50/50 marriage, but thats truly only when its going good, and when it fits what they want. No one seems to want 50/50 when things are bad or someone in the relationship is having issues (like your husband).

As a married couple, your problems are supposed to be his problems, and his problems are supposed to be your problems. You are supposed to work together not only on the good parts of the marriage, but also the bad.

What am I getting at? Well, just telling him "you can't do that anymore" might not be enough. You need to work with him (not by yourself alone as you are believing others on here are suggesting) to figure out what needs to happen for his behavior to stop. 

You can't change a symptom (the bad behavior) if you don't know the cause.

Who knows, in the back of his mind he may resent you for something you did to him and that has caused his behavior towards you to change.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I love the idea of a Marriage Treatise. You lay out what you expect, he does the same. And I think you are right, Hera, NOT to assume responsibility for solving his problems. He's an adult--if he knows his behaviors are causing a problem, it's up to him to investigate the causes and to work to make change. Of course you are involved in that process, but HE needs to make a decision and get counseling or whatever it takes. Basically, what you are saying to him is, you are not the man I married; here is what has changed; this is what I expect; you either fix it or I'm out of here. Now, if he comes back with "I changed b/c you changed. . ." you must listen and explore that on your own, of course. if you decide he's just passing blame, call him on it, but don't do so without at least exploring his comments (just because he shifts blame does not mean he is always wrong, unfortunately). Get counseling for yourself if you need an objective point of view. But go for it--you have a good idea there. Just don't "threaten" something you are not willing to follow through with, b/c you will lose all standing. And don't expect miracles, either; change takes time.


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