# Down to the nitty-gritty



## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Well, I gave my in-laws a call yesterday just to check in. They have always been good to me and thought of me as the daughter they never had. 

Anyway, turns out STBXH brought his posOW out for a long weekend to meet them (8 hour drive away). They had dinner and only spent a couple of hours with them the next day. The rest of the time, he was apparently introducing her to friends and showing her the town. (Yes, I peaked at what I could see on his blocked FB page and he took her to places he claimed _we_ could never afford to go). D*mn him. To add insult to injury, all of our old friends (really his friends, but I thought they cared for me too) have friended her on FB. I suppose I shouldn't be shocked.

I don't know if they were just being nice, but my in-laws said they didn't think much of her. He said that my STBXH didn't say much to them except to moon over her. Ouch. My father-in-law is very disappointed in STBXH's behavior, especially how he has been treating me. He suggested I hit him hard and ask for alimony. In our divorce so far (and it's down to my signature and an appearance before the judge), I had only asked that he pay half the value of our only asset (our one car he decided to take off in and leave me to manage on my own) and the lawyer fees. Even though I was left to file and do all the work, I thought he should at least cover the cost since it's what he wanted. 

Apparently, now that he has a job and feels he has no responsibilities, he has money to burn on tattoos (three that I know of- that adds up), trips out of state (I know he's taken her to other places), dinners out, flowers for that pos, and who knows what else. Meanwhile, I am struggling to make ends meet. Thankfully, my mother lent me a beat up old car she had so that I can get around. If she hadn't, I would truly be scr*wed. 

If I do this, I have a feeling he will do everything he can to avoid having to pay. He is extremely irresponsible about these things and I am discovering (with my blinders coming off) that he is incredibly selfish and will only think of his own needs and what constitutes a good time. Should I bother to open the divorce agreement back up and sue for alimony?

Also, like an idiot, during the months when he was unsure of what he wanted and leading me on, I helped support him. I used up my savings to help him with expenses (which he probably spent on her). It totals to over $4,000. Can you believe my stupidity? He had no job (as he quit his teaching position to pursue his crazy new life) and going through a tough time. All I saw was someone I love suffering. At the time in my weakness (and I am a push over), I just couldn't turn him away. He made a sucker out of me. I'm pretty sure I can kiss that money good-bye. 

He kept saying that he wanted to help me out, but so far all he's offered was $40 and that was two months ago. We are supposed to meet later this week at my request to talk. Now that I know we are over, I want to know what happened to us. I need further explanation for why and how he could just walk away from 15 years with no warning. All I've gotten from him is the ILYBNIL comment and "I've changed". Should I bring up alimony or just leave that to the lawyer? 

Sorry. I seem to always write such long posts but as it is, I have no one to talk to about these things and TAM has been my one saving grace. Thanks for reading.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Smack him hard!!!


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

take him to the cleaners girl. squeeze every dime you can out of him.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Bronte,

Correct me if I'm wrong.

You thought that taking the high road in the divorce would impress him, as you wouldn't appear to be money grubbing and he would think highly of your niceness.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

lulubelle said:


> take him to the cleaners girl. squeeze every dime you can out of him.












This, but I am a little vindictive today. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

You're right, Conrad. But isn't that what nice girls do? Even now, I deny myself full indignation for what's he's done to me. I just want him to love me like he used to, though I know rationally he never will. Why is this so hard to except?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BronteVillette said:


> You're right, Conrad. But isn't that what nice girls do? Even now, I deny myself full indignation for what's he's done to me. I just want him to love me like he used to, though I know rationally he never will. Why is this so hard to except?


Now that you know he's accepting your generosity to live large with posOW, how does that make you feel?

Do you think being nice about this will wake him up to the fact that you're a fine woman?


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

BronteVillette - I'm hearing two separate issues in your post.

First is the emotional attachment to your STBXH. If your divorce is nearly a done deal, then you need to break out of the destructive behavior of pining for him. Don't look at his Facebook, don't worry about whether old friends are accepting his OW into their lives, don't pay attention to his tattoos. You know that he has three new tattoos? Sounds like you're obsessing over him. let him go and move on with your life. He's not worth the obsession.

The second issue is the financial question of what you need to live your life and what's an equitable divorce settlement. You should be working through your lawyer to determine that, and the best way to get there.


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