# Separated/Trying to Decide What's Next



## VostroDH (Apr 16, 2012)

Ok, I admit it--I'm afraid of being alone. I'm wondering how many people stay in a unfulfilling situation because they don't have any support or a lot of options outside of the marriage.

Although I am a smart, independent, nice looking woman, I know that at 49 I'm not as likely to find a new special someone for the rest of my life as the younger 20-30 year olds. I have no family of my own. I have friends through work but I'm not overly close with anyone and because we've moved a lot, most of my closest friends are distant now. My husband and children (boys) are pretty self-centered and are not overly concerned about how I feel. His family has always treated me as an outsider even after 20+ years. I've done everything I can think of to make my marriage work. Knowing I can't change him or make him love me differently, I've been taking steps to take care of myself: getting into better shape, furthering my education, doing things I enjoy like going to church. But despite this effort, I still find myself very much alone and lonely. I'm considering looking into volunteering to meet more people, but at the moment, my schedule is very full with working and school. Any suggestions?


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

I think in time, you will become satisfied and your mindset will shift.

I know how hard facing the future is. But, what is fretting about it going to change?

I'm sorry about your situation. None of us ever imagined our lives turning out this way. And, for a lot of us, knowing we are here today, would not choose to redo it.

Life is all about chance. We all have free will. We make decisions. And those decisions have consequences. And.......sometimes, people, events, LIFE changes.

It hurts. It stinks. It is not fair. 

Conversely:

It is awesome. It is more than fair.


Life is what YOU make of it.


And, I'm writing these words, but they are nowhere near my heart.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

meetup.com 

They have meetings/groups all over the U.S. You can choose which "outings" to get involved with and there are a bunch of different ones. Dancing, bowling, dog lovers, hiking, etc... 

It's not match.com, its a wide range of people who share interests. At the very least, you could make some local friends. I have friends who've tried this and enjoyed it ...in different cities.

*Watch Fried Green Tomatoes.... inspires you to take control of your life and make it YOURS.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Well.. you already said my suggestion.

I was going to suggest volunteering. Like at a hospital. You can volunteer, not to be a candy stripper, but sort of like a companion support. 

To go around & talk to the patients that don't have visitors... The elderly, that their kids/grandkids are out of town & cannot visit. ... etc.

Seriously though, You've got to change your mindset about finding & meeting people. The right guy will be out there for you. Have faith. Look at all the people who are getting married for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th time... and Now, they've found a really wonderful partner!... Most of these divorcees are NOT in their 20s'. Just fyi. There are lots of great single guys in their 50's. Just realize, that you have the time now, to dig into personalities & why he acts the way he does.. etc, etc... etc... You WILL find a good guy to date!


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

VostroDH said:


> Ok, I admit it--I'm afraid of being alone.
> 
> I've been taking steps to take care of myself: getting into better shape, furthering my education, doing things I enjoy like going to church. But despite this effort, I still find myself very much alone and lonely:


Hello, 

Here what I see. You know exactly what you want from you and your life:taking care of yourself. You already took the action to commit to this goal: separation to decide what is next.

You are doing good girl, it's normal to have a part of yourself that feel alone, afraid. You need to accept those feeling inside of you, I'm sure they have something for you that is possive (in any situation, there is some good  ) 
So what is behind this fear of being by yourself? What do you see inside of your heart? Are you afraid because you want to be love? Want to be accepted? Want to have fun? What are your deep core?
Welcoming this feeling will make life easier, and then it will be more easier so know what's next!


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## VostroDH (Apr 16, 2012)

I actually don't have a fear of being by myself for a period of time--it's actually quite enjoyable sometimes. The fear comes from knowing that as I get older, I may need help due to a chronic, debilitating illness. If I leave, I will have nobody to turn to. I realize there are men out there and that I could potentially meet a nice one, but my entire life has been a series of people abandoning me (parents, boyfriends, 1st husband) so now I'm less confident that I will have what it takes to find someone who will provide the love and support I know I need. I'm still trying to convince myself that I'm worth loving.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Vostro, is it really true that you will have nobody to turn to if you decide to separate from your husband? Do you really believe that it's impossible to find somebody or a solution to get help with your illness?
On a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being not confident and 10 being very confident, where would you situate yourself right now? Where would you like to be on this scale? What difference would it make for you?
Now, How can you get there? What comes in your mind for some good action steps?


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## VostroDH (Apr 16, 2012)

Yes, it is true that I have nobody to turn to. I have no family of my own and my friends live in other states. His family could care less. My children might care but as men they mirror what their father does--little. I don't believe it is impossible to find somebody; I just think my chances are much less than a younger woman. My confidence will grow with time I'm sure, but I have always suffered from social anxiety. I am seeking opportunities and ways to push myself to reach out to others. On the scale, my confidence at work is an 8, by myself it's probably a 4or 5. 

Part of my confidence issue comes from realizing I have spent a huge part of my life loving people that could not or would not return it. So what part of my logical, analytical mind allowed that? It must be based in low self-esteem, which is something I have worked very hard to improve over the years. But, like most, I'm a work in progress....I like myself, I just don't have confidence in my ability to pick the right man.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

VostroDH said:


> Yes, it is true that I have nobody to turn to. I have no family of my own and my friends live in other states. His family could care less. My children might care but as men they mirror what their father does--little. I don't believe it is impossible to find somebody; I just think my chances are much less than a younger woman. My confidence will grow with time I'm sure, but I have always suffered from social anxiety. I am seeking opportunities and ways to push myself to reach out to others. On the scale, my confidence at work is an 8, by myself it's probably a 4or 5.
> 
> Part of my confidence issue comes from realizing I have spent a huge part of my life loving people that could not or would not return it. So what part of my logical, analytical mind allowed that? It must be based in low self-esteem, which is something I have worked very hard to improve over the years. But, like most, I'm a work in progress....I like myself, I just don't have confidence in my ability to pick the right man.


If it's any consolation, my mother remarried at age 49. If you condemn yourself to the life of a lonely old woman, then that's really up to you, but really, being 49 doesn't mean you're dead with no prospects. She was on vacation with her girlfriend in Jamaica when she met her husband by the way, who is 3 years older and was ALSO vacationing with a buddy of his. They've been married 13 years now.

The past is past. You can't change any of it, only learn from it and move onward and upward. Take what you learned and apply it to your new life... the good and the bad teaches you a lot. Use it all.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Yes, I think you are doing all the right things and I am sure with a positive mindset you will soon find someone special. Just be cool, calm and confident and don't rush into anything out of pressure.

I saw this ad somewhere (don't know how it works etc), might be worth exploring Table For Six - The Dating Experts


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

You say you would like to gain more confidence. What else would be good for you to gain to get to the point your want to be?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Make some friends, get a hobby, and pursue some projects of your own. Sounds like you're ambivalent about your marriage and not too interested in looking for someone else. So....just try and find some kind of happiness for you. Maybe with some self-improvement, things in the family will change, too.


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## VostroDH (Apr 16, 2012)

Moxy, I'm trying not to take what you said too literally because obviously you don't know me. I work full-time, go to school full-time, volunteer through my church, and in my spare time I read, hike, and cook. Of course, everyone can find ways to improve themselves so I certainly will do that although it is unlikely to change anything with the family. My husband has always been a mama's boy and I was never deemed "good enough" in his mother's eyes. The fact that I grew up in yet survived a truly dysfunctional family in my youth has always been thrown in my face even though I had no control. I have never been ambivalent about the marriage but I cannot make him love me. You are right that I'm not overly interested in finding someone else because I believe someone will come into my life when it is time. I have a lot of healing to do first.


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## VostroDH (Apr 16, 2012)

SunnyT, thank you for your suggestion! I did sign up for Meetup.com and I plan to go hiking next weekend with a group.


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## VostroDH (Apr 16, 2012)

Growtogether--not sure what else to do other than reach out and meet people. We build confidence by facing our fears, making mistakes, and learning from them.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Alright, So what are you willing to do right now to get where you want to be?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Dig deeper. Start doing stuff that you would never let yourself do before...well, healthy stuff of course. Like I wanted to work in an indpendent film theater, so I did. I wanted to learn how to dance, so I did. I wanted to climb overhang, so I did. I wanted to ice climb, so I did. I think you might be doing some 'canned' stuff that people say to do to build confidence meet people, etc. But to really lose that alone and lonely feeling, you absolutely need to stoke your stove AND add the kindling AND get yourself a match to light your fire. When you start doing that for yourself, your inner voice will change, a lot. Promise. You will draw like minded people to yourself, you will smile more, you will have that certain je ne sais quoi, and you'll find yourself having fun with your life. Maybe some of your responsibilities that you took for granted could be re-evaluated. People can do for themselves, sometimes when we feel at odds we make the mistake of doing more for other people in order to feel accepted...you might find yourself doing less of this and believe it or not, people will treat you with more respect, mainly because you'll be first in line doing that. Also, sometimes, especially kids or spouses or coworkers, will feel that you have confidence in them to do the things you've been taking on for them, rather than being peeved that they 'can't count on you' all the time. Then you know that people are spending time with you because they really want to, and you'll have more confidence in extending invitations, and when you don't feel like it, you'll place a lot more value on your 'alone' time. I 'take myself' out quite often, especially now my guy's in a rehab hospital (brain hemorrhage). Sure I get lonely but it's a manageable lonely, if I didn't know how to stoke my stove and light my fire, I would surely be a lost soul. Ironically, I learned how to do that when coping with the end of a toxic, abusive, marriage...I had to be on my own because I was married, unhappily, and my husband was deployed so I could do nothing about it until he got back home. So I learned to be alone and to be happy. That's how I ended up meeting my guy, on that path. He was doing the same thing.

Oh, by the way I am 48 and have some brain damage due to untreated allergic anaphylaxis that caused chronic oxygen deprivation for three months. My guy has a chronic debilitating disease...the night before he had his brain hemorrhage I told him that even if he became disabled that I would still be with him. 

I think you have some rational concerns but I don't see them as fear. Probably yes you do need to be cautious about the quality of the people that you let into your life, but that is all about caring for yourself. Of course you should find someone who will love you if you become disabled, but also remember that EVERYONE can be in that boat, in a heartbeat, so the person you are with will be thinking the exact same thing. Everyone has the potential to be disabled, and it would be foolish to marry someone who would see you as disposable. Heck my guy and I were together as lovers only 2 weeks friends for a year, but in no way do I see him as disposable. It never crossed my mind until his sister obtained guardianship and my time to visit him was reduced from daily to twice weekly, and I wasn't sure if rehab was going to truly help him or not. I'm glad to say that things are looking good, but even if I had or do end up in another relationship because he is unable to regain his own guardianship (permanently...because I will certainly wait it out...) I would still have him in my life. It doesn't look like that will be the situation, but really, be best friends with your guy first, make sure you pick a quality person who will love you for you, for the core of you, not for your abilities at life. Sitting in a wheelchair spewing conversational nonsense (he makes sense if it comes to stuff that really affects me...chit chat is a different story) we still have very much a love relationship. It's so amusing to see the nurses wander by to watch us together, smiling at us. I get that all the time when I'm with him, not just in the hospital, but before. People see us together and the love is obvious. 

I think you are reaching decisions before adventuring out to examine the proofs that the universe might be willing to show you.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

VostroDH said:


> I've been taking steps to take care of myself: getting into better shape, furthering my education, doing things I enjoy like going to church. But despite this effort, I still find myself very much alone and lonely. Any suggestions?


I think you are going to the wrong church. Find one that promotes personal relationship with the living god


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## VostroDH (Apr 16, 2012)

Thanks for your input homemaker and ten year hubby. I am doing stuff I enjoy and looking forward to doing new things as I have time. Again, I work full-time and go to school full-time so there's not a lot of extra time left. There is also very little funds. As for my church, it is fine and I am growing there too. Believe me, I'm becoming more positive every day and I realize it will take time. 

Probably the hardest aspect of this whole situation is the acceptance of my husband's apathy and continued manipulation.


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