# Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend



## Bloodinthecut (Feb 14, 2017)

Hi, 

I wrote about a month ago. You can see me thread below. I lost my credentials so I had to start a new account. I posted yesterday on a post giving advice and one of the posters told me to come an update. 

My days are heavy. I will try to make this concise but there is so much to say. Please don't mistake my brevity for omission. I can answer follow-up questions. 

I came clean to my husband about a month ago. I had my mom take my daughter for the weekend. Well we spent almost 48hrs crying, talking and not sleeping. I am in individual counseling (which I had started prior to coming clean) and we have been to 3 sessions of couple counseling. Those two days were the hardest of my life and then forth. I am at work right now and I can't go into much detail because I will start crying. But overall there was many questions, crying, there was not wanting to know details to wanting to know details. I showed him everything and told him everything. I gave him OM's phone number and told him he was free to call him and ask if I was telling the truth (we never slept together, never had oral sex and only made out). My relationship with OM never went that deep that there should be no ill will and I have nothing to hide. I don't think he would make up stuff (risk I was willing to take if it helped my DH.) My husband kept the number and a few days later said that he was going to "choose" to believe that I had not defiled our marital bed. I told him that he had his number. 

He did want to go on his FB which is private and I haven't had access too. OM had recently changed profile picture to his grandfather who had just passed away. From the comments, we found out that his 4th child (during our affair his GF was pregnant but I was not privy to this during affair and its how I cut off affair) died a few weeks after birth. The baby, like I mentioned, was a mirco-preemie and did not make it. My DH decided that he was not going to call his GF or him. 

I am working with my psychiatrist . I am only on 1mg of Clonazepam for sleep which I think is a placebo affect at this point. 

My husband said that for months he knew there was something wrong with me. I wasn't eating, my speech was slow, I was loosing weight, I always looked tired. He knew I was in pain but didn't know how to broach the subject. See here is were we differ from other situations. My husband did not see suspicions behavior but for months had seen that I was in terrible pain and that I was depressed. He seen that I was deeply regretful. He said that (I did not know this) several family members had reached out to him to ask about me because they were worried about me. He said in November when my sister came to visit she pulled him aside and crying told him "something is not right with her. something is terribly wrong. She doesn't talk, she is always tired, she doesn't eat and I have never seen her this skinny!" He said he told my sister "I know, I know. I have tried different things (he had tried taking me out dates and planning activities) but she is despondent."

I don't know what is next. He sleeps in the study. We don't really talk. Our daughter is the glue holding us together. Although our relationship is forever changed, our duty to our daughter is still the same. I pick her up from school, I cook dinner, I take the baby a bath, he puts her down, I clean the kitchen. He comes out and goes into the study. 

I have been watching reruns of The Office at night. Something light. The only two times we have spoken (besides) routine things is when he complimented the "Valentine Day grams" I was making for my daughter's class. He said "You have always had a great eye for aesthetics" and then the other day I asked him if he wanted to watch an episode of The Office (it was our favorite in college and this one episode is one of his favorites). He agreed and we watched the episode together. 

He told the therapist that he does think I am sorry. That when I told him what had happened, it explained my health situation for the last year. He said he knew I was sick but didn't know why. He says he doesn't see me the same. I am no longer his "cat" (pet name) which burns with the fire of a thousand suns. More than anything to hear him say I was no longer his cat. That is who I am. 

The therapist says that she believes that we have a shot at R bc we came under different circumstances than most couples. I just pray and thank god that during my stupidity that I was smart enough not to sleep with OM. Its the only lifesaver I have now, the only thing keeping us afloat. 

I am learning to live with the burn. My chest tightens, my heart swells and I feel like I can't breath. I had been feeling this for months which is why I started taking the Xanax. To dull the pain of guilt and sin and remorse. I am always uncomfortable. I find no comfort. But somehow I learning to live with it and I understand that I need to feel the burn. I need to take it. There is no way out. Its a pain I must feel. 

But the worse part of this, is seeing him live in the silence. I have lived in the silence. I know what its like to live there. And, I cant belging to explain what it feels to have him live in the silence. That I brought him there. That I put him there. That he never deserved to know such agony, betrayal. He never deserved to live in hell. At this point, I just want to do what is right by him. Whatever that might be and I understand that might mean a life without me. 

In many ways, I feel like my life had just started and I blew it all up. I am getting an inheritance at the end of the year. I told him that should he choose to divorce me that if he would allow me that I would like to give him half of my inheritance. Its not a bribe or anything. I just feel like he is entitled to that money for all the years he took care of me (us.) He said he wasn't sure if he wanted it or anything from me. 

So that's were I am at. 

My health has gotten better. I have gained about 8 pounds and I am slowly eating more and more. People are coming up to me and telling me " I looked great." My boss told me for awhile there "you looked really unhealthy" which is funny because you don't realize that people are noticing. My speech is back. I can speak again. Cognitively, I am getting sharper. As far as me saying I loved OM. I didn't. Whoa! I didn't. When I did what I did. I became frozen in time (there is a word for this) and I lived my life within those 2 months. I couldn't move forward because I stunted myself. It was full on psychological warfare. When I think of OM, I see a block now. I just feel mental fatigue.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Briefly...

Did you come clean on your own volition or did your husband find out? 

What was the OM's relation to you? Family friend, coworker, online-acquaintance? 

How long have you and your husband been married? How many kids do you have? What was your marriage like before your affair, and what prompted you to pursue this affair?


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## Bloodinthecut (Feb 14, 2017)

bandit.45 said:


> Briefly...
> 
> Did you come clean on your own volition or did your husband find out?
> 
> ...



I came clean to my husband on my own accord. The affair ended in Jun 2016. I told him Jan 2017. 

I met OM in a real estate class I took in Jan 2016. The affair started in Feb 2016 and the last time I saw him was at end of May 2016 (with the affair initially intensifying and then dwindling). However, I will say the affair in its entirety ended beg of June 2016, when I found out his gf was pregnant the whole time. 

OM and I live in different counties. The class was recommended by a friend and I was driving about 40 minutes to get to it. 

We have been married 4 years together 9 years. We have 1 daughter born in Feb 2015. My marriage and relationship was very solid and happy. I did have very bad PPD after I had my daughter in Feb 2015. It led to some initial disconnect with my DH. Something changed for me after I had my child. But in many ways it not here or there. I wish I had some big reason. But why WS cheat is because of instant gratification. I felt something for this man, a spark and I went with it. It happened gradually and I kept stopping myself. During the time it was happening, I was in a complete panic. It was like I didn’t stop what I was doing but it was making me sick. But I couldn’t stop until I found out about his son.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

well, there are those who do something really wrong and awful and get it and then there are those who don't.

you get it.

the prodigal son of biblical fame did things that were so rotten, most of us could never forgive him.
yet, his father did, and not only that, but welcomed him with open arms. 
it's a mystery and a moral enigma that we could spend a hundred hours in contemplation and still not comprehend or accept.
nevertheless, it's power and impact reverberate through the centuries.

peace to you, and your husband. may the best happen for both of you.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Good for you that you came clean on your own, and also kudos for not giving into temptation to go "all the way" with the OM. But even a kiss is still a betrayal of your marriage vows. I can only imagine the pain I would feel if my wife did this with another man. 

Trust can be rebuilt, but it will take time, and you are doing right by going to counseling. He's going to need counseling as well and the two of you will need marriage counseling. Don't expect to be his cat anytime soon. It may happen yet again one day, but like I said, trust takes time to rebuild once it's shattered.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

5-6 month affair and you never had sex -- of any kind -- w/ OM?

_Come on._


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## Bloodinthecut (Feb 14, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> 5-6 month affair and you never had sex -- of any kind -- w/ OM?
> 
> _Come on._


We really didn't see each other. In those 4 months (Beg of Feb to end of June) we only saw each other 5 times (Didn't see each other at all in April.) All times, except 1, was during lunch time. He wanted to schedule a day when we would just spend the day together and he would take a day off work and so would I. But I really mean it when I said that I didn't know if I could go there. I didn't trust OM. I knew there was no turning back. If the affair would have continued, if the OM was pleasing to me (made more time), I might have. But there was a lot holding me back. 

I remember the first time he asked me for lunch, I was like I mean could I go to lunch? I cant go to lunch with him it would be wrong. I am attracted to him. Then, he was like I need notes from the review (after you take the class, you take a state test), I will take you out to lunch. So I was like, okay I am just giving him notes. So I used the pretense of the class to start crossing those boundaries. Then as you cross boundaries, you cross other ones and so forth. But there were certain boundaries I wasn't ready to cross. The relationship with him never matured. 

I have only been with 3 (including DH) guys my entire life. All of them my long time boyfriends. I never took sex lightly because if we were having sex it meant I was in love. I could never separate the two.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

A link to your other thread? 

You mentioned something died/changed after the birth of your daughter. Has it returned? What material have you read on building a better you and a better you? Have you read "Not Just Friends" ? Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

The actual affair you speak little of, but it is of the most importance. You were smart enough to end the affair, just as my wife did, but then waited to tell your spouse. My wife waited two and a half years, you waited six months, but the damage is the same. Your husband knew something was wrong as did others in your family. The deception from infidelity is very painful to the betrayed spouse. My wife could have told me as I knew something was going on, but instead watched me crash and burn. This was very hard to work through, as she INTENTIONALLY caused more pain by staying silent. 

Now you see first hand the damage your choices caused, to both your spouse and soon to your daughter. You see your husband hurting beyond belief, which hurts you also as you know your actions caused this. Your husband views you differently, no longer calling you a pet name, and I'm sure that is very painful. With all of this said, you have taken steps to improve yourself as a person. May I ask if your husband is in IC? He will most likely need to, these are tough waters to navigate through. 

From the bible a cheating woman was brought forth. This was intended to be a test on Jesus to see how he would punish the woman. What Jesus said was if you have sinned then cast a stone, no stones thrown and soon they left. Jesus told the woman to sin no more. I think this is what you must do now. Can you atone for your actions? Can you repent for your actions? I believe you can. Has your husband decided on reconciliation or divorce?

Being about a month from d-day I doubt he is entirely sure of what he wants. My suggestion to him is to wait six months for his emotions and feelings to calm down. In the meantime I hope you inderstand that your words mean very little to him. He will be watching for actions that display that your are one hundred percent for the marriage and to help him. Unfortunately for you I don't think the worst has come yet, your husband is soon to hit anger, and then pure rage. This is very difficult to go through.

I am hoping you have found a MC who specializes in infidelity. Having the wrong MC can do more harm then good. What steps are you going through in IC, have you begun forgiveness? 

Best of luck to you and your husband.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Blood,

One thing, you said, "we only made out", kissing is in many ways more intense than oral or intercourse and is sex. You can also catch STDs HPV, etc that way. 

If the kissing in your marriage was empty or passionless at any time this will be a bitter memory for your BH. 

Did your BH confront the OM or expose him?

Tamat


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## Bloodinthecut (Feb 14, 2017)

Hi, 

I gave him the option to talk to the OM. The OM's youngest son died recently (I think idk when he died but sometime between June-Jan)and my DH says he is not going to tell his gf. He doesn't feel it's his place and he cant imagine this woman's pain after loosing a child.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Bloodinthecut said:


> Hi,
> 
> I wrote about a month ago. You can see me thread below. I lost my credentials so I had to start a new account. I posted yesterday on a post giving advice and one of the posters told me to come an update.
> 
> ...



I don't believe in R in most cases, If you read my post you know I rail against it. I would take you back. I probably would divorce you and start over, but secretly I would want it to work out. You have the contrite attitude that so many don't have. I also think PPD contributed in that it may have taken some of your emotional strength. This is a physical thing that can't be overlooked. Finally, you didn't go all the way, you dipped your toe, and even though it's still the same intent, where you end up matters. I believe staying with someone that had POV or real emotional love is too disparaging for anyone to try to overcome if they are a BS. Thank God you didn't do that. 

You said in your other post that you lost touch with God, only God can heal your husband. I pray for both of you.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Bloodinthecut said:


> Hi,
> 
> I gave him the option to talk to the OM. The OM's youngest son died recently (I think idk when he died but sometime between June-Jan)and my DH says he is not going to tell his gf. He doesn't feel it's his place and he cant imagine this woman's pain after loosing a child.


Has he told you if he wants to try R? You mentioned in your other post about your inheritance should he decide to go the D route. It must be agonizing to wait if you don't know which way you're headed.


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## Bloodinthecut (Feb 14, 2017)

drifting on said:


> The actual affair you speak little of, but it is of the most importance. You were smart enough to end the affair, just as my wife did, but then waited to tell your spouse. My wife waited two and a half years, you waited six months, but the damage is the same. Your husband knew something was wrong as did others in your family. The deception from infidelity is very painful to the betrayed spouse. My wife could have told me as I knew something was going on, but instead watched me crash and burn. This was very hard to work through, as she INTENTIONALLY caused more pain by staying silent.
> 
> Now you see first hand the damage your choices caused, to both your spouse and soon to your daughter. You see your husband hurting beyond belief, which hurts you also as you know your actions caused this. Your husband views you differently, no longer calling you a pet name, and I'm sure that is very painful. With all of this said, you have taken steps to improve yourself as a person. May I ask if your husband is in IC? He will most likely need to, these are tough waters to navigate through.
> 
> ...





JohnA said:


> A link to your other thread?
> 
> You mentioned something died/changed after the birth of your daughter. Has it returned? What material have you read on building a better you and a better you? Have you read "Not Just Friends" ? Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"





sokillme said:


> I don't believe in R in most cases, If you read my post you know I rail against it. I would take you back. I probably would divorce you and start over, but secretly I would want it to work out. You have the contrite attitude that so many don't have. I also think PPD contributed in that it may have taken some of your emotional strength. This is a physical thing that can't be overlooked. Finally, you didn't go all the way, you dipped your toe, and even though it's still the same intent, where you end up matters. I believe staying with someone that had POV or real emotional love is too disparaging for anyone to try to overcome if they are a BS. Thank God you didn't do that.
> 
> You said in your other post that you lost touch with God, only God can heal your husband. I pray for both of you.



Thank you Sokillme. If we were to divorce, I would never marry again. I wouldn't believe in everlasting love. If I couldn't make it with him, then I cant make it with anyone. I know people think I am saying this out of my despair but I really mean it. This true. I would never love again.


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## Bloodinthecut (Feb 14, 2017)

jb02157 said:


> Has he told you if he wants to try R? You mentioned in your other post about your inheritance should he decide to go the D route. It must be agonizing to wait if you don't know which way you're headed.


Idk, yet. Its the price I pay. Like I said, I am just doing what is best for him at this point. I don't expect anything.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Bloodinthecut said:


> We really didn't see each other. In those 4 months (Beg of Feb to end of June) we only saw each other 5 times (Didn't see each other at all in April.) All times, except 1, was during lunch time. He wanted to schedule a day when we would just spend the day together and he would take a day off work and so would I. But I really mean it when I said that I didn't know if I could go there. I didn't trust OM. I knew there was no turning back. If the affair would have continued, if the OM was pleasing to me (made more time), I might have. But there was a lot holding me back.
> 
> I remember the first time he asked me for lunch, I was like I mean could I go to lunch? I cant go to lunch with him it would be wrong. I am attracted to him. Then, he was like I need notes from the review (after you take the class, you take a state test), I will take you out to lunch. So I was like, okay I am just giving him notes. So I used the pretense of the class to start crossing those boundaries. Then as you cross boundaries, you cross other ones and so forth. But there were certain boundaries I wasn't ready to cross. The relationship with him never matured.


All ^this^ aside, you get that a 5-6 month affair w/ no sex is going to be pretty unbelievable to most people, right?

I mention it because it's probably something that your BH is struggling to wrap his head around.

He's also thinking, "If she honestly didn't have sex with this guy, it's only because he was an ass. So... what if the next guy _isn't_ an ass...?!?"

Bottom line -- your fidelity can only ever be as solid as your own integrity.



Bloodinthecut said:


> I have only been with 3 (including DH) guys my entire life. All of them my long time boyfriends. I never took sex lightly because *if we were having sex it meant I was in love. I could never separate the two.*


Many women are like this, which is what makes a physical affair so difficult for a BH to reconcile.


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## Bloodinthecut (Feb 14, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> All ^this^ aside, you get that a 5-6 month affair w/ no sex is going to be pretty unbelievable to most people, right?
> 
> I mention it because it's probably something that your BH is struggling to wrap his head around.
> 
> ...



I made a mistake its was from Beg Feb to Beg June so 4 months. You are saying 5 to 6 months. And next time? There would be no next time. I barely made it out of alive. The only reason I was able to do it was because I was using Xanax to numb all the emotions. The anxiety...oh my the anxiety. I wish I could serve as a warning for others who are on the brink. The devil never reveals himself. He comes masked as pleasure, love and fun. But really you become a prisoner in your own mind. I am still wearing those chains. That is what most people don't realize. I think at least for me, even when I was illogical and I knew all of this was not based on logic, I knew I had to move carefully.

@sokillme, I know you gave me the PPD forum to post on but I have to admit to you I am terrified about posting! Internet strangers can be mean and I am scared of them triggering me. I do want to run something by y'all. I had an IC session last night. We talked a little more about my feelings for OM. If you recall, I said I thought I loved him. I now know I didn't it. I had a poster asked me what provoked me? 

I recalled something I had forgotten about...look I am not saying that I am beautiful but I know I am attractive. If you like the petite blonde look. I have a keen sense of style but I think most of my attraction from the opposite sex comes from my charisma. Its not like I was starved for attention or needed validation. My DH still fancies me-even more now than when we were in college. And, I see the way other men look at me. 

However, during the time I was pregnant, after having the baby and then consequentially PPD. I LOST all my libido. I hated my DH touch, I didn't want to be looked in that way, sex and everything about sex felt dirty. I remember having sex with my DH and being repulsed. I didn't want to have sex with him or anyone. I once time saw a guy checking me out and it gave me hibbie-jibbies. It had nothing to do with my body image either. I was a sprinter in college and was in great shape before birth and my body snapped right back and I had no stretch marks. It wasn't an image thing. It was a psychological thing. 

However, when I stopped breastfeed at the end-of-October, I started getting my libido back. It was the first time I remember having sex with DH and somewhat enjoying it but I still didn't want him to touch or look at me in a sexual way. Not as much as before but it was still there. (This is the point I had forgotten) I started binge watching, Hells on Wheels and became completely infatuated with the main character Cullen Bohannon (like tween status). I was looking at his pictures, I would look at the sex scenes from the series. I even started following the actor on Instagram (this is the kind of stuff stalkers are made off). Shortly, after I met OM. 

I know but I never slept with him. I know it is still wrong. I know. But it must count for something. I did have the opportunity but I remember thinking I do think I can do this. I have paid greatly for my betrayal. I am not well.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

My friend, you need to talk to a person who specializes in PPD. At least read some books and see if you can relate to them. You have no idea how much of this is caused what you did. I am not saying you are not responsible, but your responsibility may be that when you were falling into the abyss you didn't reach out to your husband. This situation doesn't sound like a character issue it sounds more like mania.

Here is my story. I basically walked into the aftermath of a rape. It happened to someone very close to me. It was near a parking lot where she was bringing in groceries. I was going to meet her and she was gone. After about 5 minutes I see her walking with this guy. She runs to me and tells me he has a gun. First I go to fight hm, but she grabs me so I put her in front of me as to cover her from getting shot and we run. In that moment I thought I was going to die. (By the way, she had it so much worse so I am in no means comparing my pain to hers)

So after that, I basically had a nervous breakdown from PTSD. About 2 weeks after I started having panic attacks, at first I thought I was having a heart attack. I made numerous trips to the Emergency room. Eventually, I understood that it was just panic attacks and was put on anti-anxiety medication. Now being aware of the panic attacks I started to get hyper vigilant. That then started to spread to other things. At first, it was every time my heart picked up speed I would panic and think here comes a panic attack, or is it really a heart attack the doctors are wrong, I am about to die. I was in my early 30's and had numerous heart tests at that point, mind you. I couldn't rest my hands on my heart because feeling my heart beat would actually scare me. Eventually, it got so irrational that I would literally look out the window and wonder if there were people watching me from the bushes. I mean like ever 10 minutes looking out the window. I kid you not. It was totally irrational. Thing is, I knew it was not real at least logically, but emotionally it felt very real, I didn't tell anyone I was going through this. I did ask the doctor to up my medication. So I would say I had about 2 years of this in varying degrees. I look back on that time in my life and it was a living hell. That was years ago now and I am no longer on any medication. No longer in fear at all. You learn to live with the scar of violence and you go on. 

So I tell you this story to tell you I know that a chemical imbalance in the brain like PTSD or PPD can make you act in all kinds of ways that you would never act in if you were not chemically deficient. If you are really being honest with us, this action doesn't seem in your nature or your character. Both you and your husband need to understand this. You need to at least research it. 

On a side note and I am sorry to be so forward but I would also think about getting your tubes tied. Sometimes people who go through this can have even worse effects the second time. Andria Yates comes to mind. I am not calling you Andria Yates. If it was me I would adopt if you want more kids. 

Again you have no idea, you really don't. That is why you talk to an expert. That is why you post on a board about this stuff to learn and get a better sense of what you are dealing with. You may still be dealing with this stuff. The Xanax addiction obviously contributed to your issues. That doesn't mean you don't deal with your actions or the ramifications of them. It means you get context and understanding. 

Read my posts, I am harder on this stuff than anyone here. But I also know that when your brain is missing the chemicals it produces to help you manage stress you end up doing things that are not rational. I WAS DOING THEM. This doesn't take your husbands pain away but it may make him feel safer and it may help you understand your choices so you don't torture yourself about it. Part of your suffering is that you are unable to understand why you did what you did and because of that you probably feel very unsafe. You probably feel like you have no idea who you are or what you are capable of. Because from the way you describe yourself, I don't think this is a character thing, I think it is a physical thing. Understanding that or at least if that is part of it will help your healing. help you protect yourself, and your family. 

I am also just a guy on a message board. Talk to an expert.


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## Bloodinthecut (Feb 14, 2017)

I guess I wanted to post an update. 

Today is a day that really sits on my mind. 3/1/16 was the second time I met OM for lunch and we made out/kissed/ whatever you want to call it heavily in his car. This was the day that would change my life forever. About 4/4/16 I bought Xanax for the first time from the streets. I know my husband now has days like this that will live in his mind forever. If only I knew, If only I really understood the world of pain and darkness that would follow from that date on. A year has gone by and for the first time in my life, I feel like a year went by and I did not live. I have stunted. 

My husband is not well. He decided to call OM. He told the same story I told. He didn't give much details into his conversation with OM. My husband is upset with me because he says that I am not pleading or asking for me to take him back. But I am not asking but I don't feel I have the right. I cant come to him. I come to him on my knees but I cant ask him to atone my sins for me. I just don't feel like I have the right to ask him. 

I am so sorry, so sorry for taking away so much from him. I just want him to believe, to not lose the faith, that there is love out there, that there is a benevolent god. All I can do is not ask but is do whatever I humanly can to try to show you that this does exists. I have never been further from god than when I was involved in that affair. If it means anything at all I will say yes, there were highs but I was not well. I was sick the whole time. I just want him to keep believing that love is real and I understand, I understand it might not mean with me. If its not me, I can only hope there is a woman out there, a better woman that can restore this. I would love to be that person but I dont know if someone who has known the depths of this darkness can be that person. I will live the rest of my life trying to show him that there is good in this world. I just don't want him to tarnish is soul, the way I have mine. 

I talked to him about revenge affairs and I told him not to do it. Not because of me, I said. I am broken beyond belief, I am a shadow now. But, because I have been in that darkness and it hurts your soul. It changes you, I told him. It is the devils work. Live in the light, keep in the light. He said he would never have a revenge affair. I am not worried about me, I just don't want him to do anything to hurt himself in spite of me. I am just worried that he won't make it out of his this hell. I am so worried that I have damaged him and I have. I know. But I just want to repair the damage. I don't know how? I ask him to forgive, not for me but for himself. I just I am so angry, so angry of all I robbed him of. I killed his innocence. I just want to give him a second chance in believing in true love that is all I want for him. I still believe in true love and I know I was his pillar. 

It stings. It hurts. It burns everyday. I just want him to live a good life, be happy again, have faith, know there is love. Its not about me.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Bloodinthecut said:


> I guess I wanted to post an update.
> 
> Today is a day that really sits on my mind. 3/1/16 was the second time I met OM for lunch and we made out/kissed/ whatever you want to call it heavily in his car. This was the day that would change my life forever. About 4/4/16 I bought Xanax for the first time from the streets. I know my husband now has days like this that will live in his mind forever. If only I knew, If only I really understood the world of pain and darkness that would follow from that date on. A year has gone by and for the first time in my life, I feel like a year went by and I did not live. I have stunted.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry but you need to get over yourself. He wants you to fight to be his wife and you are saying you are not good enough to be his wife. (That is wayward thinking. He want the mother of his child to fight for him and his family, to want him with her soul.) That is what every husband wants and your answer is, well I suck so find someone else. He didn't ask you if you were worthy. It's not your place to decided that. Again get over yourself. Do you really love him? Are you sure, because if you did why are you giving up so easily. Your thinking about this is still self centered. I am not good enough, I did this. Your husband needs your focus to be on him and his family. FIGHT! Fight your depression, fight your hyper-focus on your mistake. Just fight G-damn it! HE WANTS HIS WIFE TO FIGHT FOR HER FAMILY. He wants you to honor your promise, in sickness and in health remember? You are in sickness now BUT you are still his wife. 

Do it for your family for your child. You spent a good 6 months detached from them. Enough of that, FIGHT! You want redemption, then earn it. Earning it is not, I did something wrong I am in darkness and I give up. You are like the parable of the guy with the talents. You are the one who just buried them in the sand. What was the response to that servant? Right now you are making a bad situation worse. If you can't ask him to stay for yourself then do it as an advocate for your child. As the child's mother. The child needs a whole family. Be your child's voice like any mother would for a child who can't speak. 

You believe in God, well God gave you your husband and your daughter. Enough with being so depressed that you don't want to try. ENOUGH! Get up every day and earn your husband and your daughter back. Do your half of fixing your family. Engage. Pray, pray hard. Pray for a better marriage. Post here and look for help. Post about your feelings. But Fight! 

You are a Christian yes? We are supposed to overcome the world, not let it destroy us. You did wrong but you are forgiven. So now earn it. EARN IT! Start by writing him a letter every day. Write about why you love him. Write him that you need him. Write him what you want with your life with him. Do it for you child. Plan stuff to do to show him you love him. Give yourself to that love for him. Give yourself to him. Fight to be happy, fight to get yourself back. Fake it until you make it. Most of all just Fight!

Have you posted on the PPD sites like I said. Have you done your best to learn what was going on with your brain? Why not. Don't tell me because you are afraid of what people will think. That is not good enough. This is your family we are talking about. Maybe I am wrong but maybe I am right. Maybe you husband will understand more if you understand more. Again action. Take action. Depression persist with inaction. Your life is not over. God gave you this life. Fight for it. 

You husband needs his wife back. The person you were before you fell in this hole. It's time for you to be brave and climb out of the hole. That is what he wants. That is the least you can do. The time for grieving is over. It's time to do the hard work.


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## curious234 (Jan 28, 2017)

Looks like the OM is a wayward character since he conceal/lied about himself. Why did you decide to tell husband months after ending the affair? Some keep it secret. Was your mental condition due to guilt or ending the affair or combination of both?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

@Bloodinthecut, how are you doing? I'm praying for you. Hope you are climbing out of you hole that this has put you in.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I saw that you posted on Cam's thread. How are you holding up?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

@Bloodinthecut, still praying for you. Hope you are doing better.


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