# How to explain your decision to divorce



## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

This may sound like more work than it's worth, I don't know if this is normal or just the person I am. Regardless, I'm hoping for some insight.

Right now I'm rehearsing the conversation. I will bring her the divorce papers, tell her it's over, tell her I'm moving out regardless of whether she signs or not (She will, she can't afford court). 

I need to be able to fully explain why it's over and I know she will ask why? Simply saying "No sex, no intimacy, no marriage." isn't enough for me, I can't explain why. I've read so much. We're like roommates and I'm divorcing my roommate, not my wife (Does that make sense)?

For those that felt the same way, how did you go about it?

Timeline:

Together 2002
Married 2006
PA 2010
Moved out 2010
Pregnant 2012 (But miscarried)
Mother Dies 2014
Over a year no sex 2015

For me, the lack of sex and desire hurts. If she had some form of disease or traumatic event that prevented her from having sex, that would be different. That's not the case.

She said "I can't kiss you because you're like family. It's my pattern. I don't know why." This hurts, because it means I won't get it back. I need that passion.

She will likely say that she will 'try' to get it back. Of course, she won't actually until she sees the divorce papers. Even then, it will be too little too late.

How do I keep from throwing a temper tantrum about how I felt used. I was her disposable husband, used to help take care of her mother and the bills but nothing else.

I read an article about how roommates are compared to how couples are. What roommates say and do and how couples, in my situation, say and do the same things. You cover up when you're around each other, you don't hug or kiss etc. This is us. 

Her first language isn't English, but she speaks it very well. Her native language is one I can speak but not as well as she can speak English. This conversation will be in English but I have to dumb it down a little bit so she can grasp things.

And as silly as it sounds, I do feel like I need to explain myself. I can't understand why, but I do. 

Any help


----------



## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Stay calm. Speak slowly and say it like you wrote it here. That's it.
And be prepared for her begging for another chance or the opposite (getting angry).
Good luck.


----------



## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Too_Bad said:


> This may sound like more work than it's worth, I don't know if this is normal or just the person I am. Regardless, I'm hoping for some insight.
> 
> Right now I'm rehearsing the conversation. I will bring her the divorce papers, tell her it's over, tell her I'm moving out regardless of whether she signs or not (She will, she can't afford court).
> 
> ...



I am basically in the same place. I should have had on conversation to D on Monday, but frankly I was having a good week and di not feel like ruining it. I have been talking to my therapist on this and he had some good advice. Any big shocking reveal of going right to divorce in the conversation is going to explode. This is probably true. It was suggested to start a long conversation about the problems in the marriage and then finish with the conclusion of divorce and hold firm to that. I assume you have talked through these issues before so its not like it will be a surprise really. 

If you have not used anger before to get your point across now is not the time to start. After all it will be the money you earned that she uses to hire her lawyer. (assuming she is SAHW). 


You can generally divide out your half of the assets but into she is served there is some financial risk of her assuming more debt. Evaluate her state of mind and if she is nuts have her severed else give a day or two to bring the paper in. The goal is not a righteous smack down of her issues but getting you on with your life as cleanly as possible.


----------



## sargon (May 7, 2015)

Too_Bad said:


> I need to be able to fully explain why it's over and I know she will ask why?


I read your back posts. You've explained enough.

More than enough. The affair would have been enough for anyone and that was only one of many problems. 

I guess you could sum it up to say "You cheated on me, you view me as nothing more than a pay check and you refuse to be intimate. I'm done complaining, there's nothing to say that I haven't already said dozens of times. It's over".



Too_Bad said:


> How do I keep from throwing a temper tantrum about how I felt used.


Just remind yourself that you're a grown man and throwing a temper tantrum would be pathetic. Calmly advising her that you are divorcing her will have a much more effective result.



Too_Bad said:


> Right now I'm rehearsing the conversation. I will bring her the divorce papers, tell her it's over, tell her I'm moving out regardless of whether she signs or not (She will, she can't afford court).


Depending on the laws in your state, she might not have to pay the legal costs herself, that may very well be on you. 

You may want to reconsider moving out before you have papers signed on both sides.


----------



## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

The point is that whatever you say, she won't get it and you won't get closure.

Part of this process for you will be accepting that she never really cared enough to understand you or your needs and will probably end up flipping the script to turn you into the bad guy.

It isn't really about convincing her of anything....that's highly unlikely to happen. Its very rare for an ex-spouse (particularly the "Levee") to have an epiphany about their contributions to the divorce. 

She may try to convince you that she'll change...or she may try to make you feel very guilty...but its unlikely she'll do much else.

The only thing you need to do at this point is resolve things with yourself. You need to walk into this knowing that whatever happens and whatever she says or does, this is the action you need to take and you will deal with whatever the outcome of your decision brings.


----------



## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

sargon said:


> Depending on the laws in your state, she might not have to pay the legal costs herself, that may very well be on you.
> 
> You may want to reconsider moving out before you have papers signed on both sides.


We don't live in the U.S. so the laws are completely different. We don't own anything together and our accounts are in our own names. Her pay into her account and mine into my account. She has access to my account to make sure bills are paid when going through her account.

It's a hard fact to swallow that if nothing will really change.


----------



## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

"I deserve better than this."


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

58 posts.

16 threads.

Are you divorced yet?


----------



## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

I always find these threads interesting. Men are supportive of other men leaving when there's no sex in the relationship. Their needs are not being met is the phrase you read often.

I sincerely hope anyone who is supportive of men leaving when their needs aren't being met are as supportive when the woman's isn't being met.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

"I don't think I can meet your needs. The PA 3 years ago was the first sign of that, as painful as it is to me to admit it. I just do not strike your fancy."

"There is another man out there who can do for you effortlessly what I am unable to. I am therefore, with these divorce papers, releasing you to find or be found by him."


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SurpriseMyself said:


> I always find these threads interesting. Men are supportive of other men leaving when there's no sex in the relationship. Their needs are not being met is the phrase you read often.
> 
> I sincerely hope anyone who is supportive of men leaving when their needs aren't being met are as supportive when the woman's isn't being met.


I support OP's decision to divorce his wife based on his inability to meet her need for sleeping w/ other guys.


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I have to agree with the others. At this point your only punishing yourself. Who really cares how she takes it. After what you have been through she really doesn't deserve much. The cheating part would have sealed it for me. I also had to learn the hard way. I always thought I would just be able to just walk away but it was really hard. Once you take this step it will be the best decision you have ever made. Its just like the other poster said. "You Deserve Better".

I would just tell her you want a divorce. If she asked why I wouldn't blame her I would just say your no longer compatible. You already know the kind of person she. I wouldn't waste my time on trying to tell her why you don't want to be with her. 

Clay


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

EnigmaGirl said:


> ...The only thing you need to do at this point is resolve things with yourself. You need to walk into this knowing that whatever happens and whatever she says or does, this is the action you need to take and you will deal with whatever the outcome of your decision brings.


:iagree:

This is a unilateral decision on your part (and I also believe the correct one). You presumably have both tried to work on the issues but with no resolve - she's clearly expressed that she has no sexual interest in you and has no intention of doing anything to restore it, and you've presumably told her that will not work for you? If either of you are done, then it's over. Thankfully you have no children together (though I am sorry for the loss of your unborn).


----------



## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

Please have the courage to stop thinking about it and just do it. Move forward with the Divorce immediately. I wanted to leave my alcoholic fiancee numerous times before we got married, but kept believing that she would get help and quit lying. If I had done it early enough, we wouldn't have gotten married. It lingered long enough and got bad enough that she initiated the conversation saying essentially that I am suppressing her freedom and independence (meaning I would get mad when she would come home at all hours drunk off her a$$) and that we just don't fit. The things I thought myself as well.

By letting it linger and not following through on my own feelings and all the red flags, I am suffering going through the grieving process - for whatever reason, her coming to the conclusion and initiating the conversation makes me feel rejected, etc., I am also dealing with resentment that she never took it seriously and gave it the effort that a grown mature woman would - she just wants to be a young party girl with no ties, responsibilities, or accountability.

I believe that if you go ahead with your conversation in strength and resolution, you will experience a real boost of esteem and you should be proud of yourself to have the courage to do so. It will be better for both of you to not let it linger - learn from the mistakes of others including myself. Also, as others have said, I would be brief and make sure you are resolute. Give a brief summary of issues - no details, just broadly speaking - and explain that you have decided that divorce is best for both of you.

Lastly, at that point, don't let the process draw out. Nothing good comes from that. Discuss settlement terms asap and write them down with both signing. Move out or have her move out asap. Be strong.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

SurpriseMyself said:


> I always find these threads interesting. Men are supportive of other men leaving when there's no sex in the relationship. Their needs are not being met is the phrase you read often.
> 
> I sincerely hope anyone who is supportive of men leaving when their needs aren't being met are as supportive when the woman's isn't being met.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would guess most who have felt neglected and unloved by their partner, for whatever reason, would be supportive of anyone else who has also felt neglected, for any reason (the same reason or otherwise). It sucks to be in that position, regardless of the particular ways the neglect surfaces (sex, conversation, emotional intimacy, time, ....).

Nothing wrong with having needs, and it hurts when time after time the person one is married to just isn't interested in hearing about them or doing anything to help meet them. Doesn't matter whether the need involves intimacy that includes sex, or whether the the one being neglected is male or female.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

She knows why.

If she asks, tell it to her straight out. "I tried to reconcile with you after you had sex with other men. Now you're not even having sex with me. I need to be free of you and this marriage."

The end.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

She cheated and your reconciliation is just a couple of roommates sharing a kitchen and bathroom?

Divorce and stop all contact.


----------



## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

I'm not divorced yet. The papers are still sitting on the table. She hasn't touched them. I remind her every other day that she needs to sit and take a look at them, sign them, get things done. She stares blankly at them.

I've written out what I plan to take with me when I move. She hasn't signed those either. Our accounts are now completely separate as far as money goes.

She has made some attempts to get me back into bed with her, to sleep, not sex, since I moved my bed to another room. She said "I'm broken. I don't know why I can't have sex. I see you like a family member. My love has changed. I want to be like other couples."

She still won't show me the conversation she had on her messaging app. I told her trust has dropped to way below zero.

Now, for the first time ever, she's going to see a counselor. A dollar too short, a minute too late but I still support her getting help for herself. Problem is, in this country, therapy etc isn't covered by healthcare and therefore anyone without a license can call themselves a 'therapist' and shovel out advice. I took a look at some of the blogs and homepages of people in the area. Some of the stuff they have up is utter BS.

I did manage to find a certified therapist with the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology that speaks English. I'll be doing some 1 on 1 sessions with him, although it's going to cost me 150 USD per 45 minute session. I think I need it though. While I didn't suggest my wife see this person, I did tell her to be careful who she chooses to see.

Thing is, I still love her. This is still breaking my heart. It will still take more time before we're completely out but I guess that's just the way it has to be.

Right now, it's about logistics. Getting my finances in order. My family back home is on vacation so I've gotta wait until after they get back to break the news to them. Hopefully they can offer some kind of support. I expect my mother will plead for me to just come home. Not exactly an option, but that's what mom's do I guess.


----------



## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

I understand your pain. However, please remember that it is precious few in the world that actually change and grow in a way that sticks. Sadly, I think you need to stick to your guns and go through with it.


----------



## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

jld said:


> "I don't think I can meet your needs. The PA 3 years ago was the first sign of that, as painful as it is to me to admit it. I just do not strike your fancy."
> 
> "There is another man out there who can do for you effortlessly what I am unable to. I am therefore, with these divorce papers, releasing you to find or be found by him."


This is brilliant - the second one is borderline poetry!


----------

