# I found the email address for the OM...should I email?



## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

So I found the email address the the OM and was wondering If I should email him? Let him know how I feel from my perspective? DS and I are getting separated so what is the worse that will happen? She'll get mad? Or should I leave it alone and seek closure and move on?

Does anyone have any positive or negative experiences with this?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What would the purpose of the email be? Without understanding what you intend to accomplish, an email is useless.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

PBear said:


> What would the purpose of the email be? Without understanding what you intend to accomplish, an email is useless.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My thoughts are to provide my thoughts on the EA and how it has helped to destroy our marriage. I want him to know from my perspective how damaging this has been and continues to be.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Do you really think the OM cares about your thoughts on the EA? He will probably laugh at you. Giving him your thoughts will only make you seem weak.

Write your thoughts down for your own benefit, but do not send an e-mail to the OM.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I think the best way to convey the pain would be to tell his wife instead and he can find out that way instead


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> Do you really think the OM cares about your thoughts on the EA? He will probably laugh at you. Giving him your thoughts will only make you seem weak.
> 
> Write your thoughts down for your own benefit, but do not send an e-mail to the OM.


True - that helps. I have done plenty of writing down my own thoughts.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The OM could care a less, I'm sure wife has but a spin on your marriage in such a way that he may feel like is not doing any thing wrong.

So with that said if you are going to email OM, you should make it more informative then a perspective on how *he* is damaging the marriage.

I would suggest you indroduce your self and inform OM that you have every intention of working on the marriage, even now that it has taken this path. [a statement that tells OM you will still be around]

On a side note I wish you would have keep everything on one thread so I could offer up a better perspective with mere history of you sitch. any way I would confront, but remember its not about the OM its about your wife. 

Inform him that (if this is the case) that you plan on exposing the affiar. [ a statement telling OM the drama may not be worth his time].

Keep the email short in that you will continue to work for R and that, what ever your W has told him about the marriage, that there has been a good marriage until resent, you are working on your self, and you still love her. Then finish up with the fact that you have nothing to loose and will continue to fight for the marriage.

Do not make any threats to him directly or accuse him for the bad marriage, but in an indirect way let him know that you will continue to make the affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible with the intent of get a NC and R in mind.

Wording is everything so get to the point and make it short. You want OM to second guess what your W has been telling him and the fact of exposure is not worth the relationship.

Getting the point across that you are the good guy and not some mad jealose, controlling husband will suit you better then blaming him for your marriage problems. Again getting him to rethink his involvement with a married women. If you can word it in such away by adding some of the good points you have as a husband may get him to put the shoe on the other foot , if you know what I mean.

Just be prepared OM may never ever give a dam, but I think its important to inform him that it is not at all what your wife is making it out to be, that alone my change his thinking.


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

the guy said:


> The OM could care a less, I'm sure wife has but a spin on your marriage in such a way that he may feel like is not doing any thing wrong.
> 
> So with that said if you are going to email OM, you should make it more informative then a perspective on how *he* is damaging the marriage.
> 
> ...


I think emailing anyone but the OM's wife/gf/family/work/friends is a waste of time. Emailing the OM will only tip your hand and give him warning to set up damage control measures to counter the exposure.

To hell with him and his life. He is the the one (along with your disloyal wife) that have done this to your marriage. To hell with them and their affair.

You should be at war! Not at war with your wife, at war with the OM and the affair. TO HELL WITH HIM.

EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE. NO WARNING WHATSOEVER TO ANYONE, INCLUDING YOUR DW.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Good point, that makes sense, with out any more info. does 9500 even know if his wife still wants the marriage?

In fighting an affair there are steps and to be up front I didn't confront OM. The NC letter was written and commited to, so in my case there was not much of a fight in ending my WW affair.

The only point is if 9500 is not heading for a R and his WW is in the fog it is an avenue to make the affiar as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possibly.

Just like exposeure, I may have gotten my steps mixed up, so yes if Mrs. 9500 wants to continue her affair then exposure and then confronting OM in preventing his WW rewriting history.

Yes the issue is with his WW, and the OM *may* thinks that the marriage is done or 9500 hits her or some other BS that makes them both sleep at night to avoid the quilt. The point is setting the record straight, if that makes sense? Hell even if he confronts OM and informs him that 9500 and his wife still sleep together, is this a stress on the affair, and that can't be bad?


Thats the thing with all this cheating crap, there are so many variables, I don't know were his W stands. I wish folks would stay on the same thread instead of starting a new one every time a different issue comes up.

I guess according to the script she is blame shifting and gaslighting and still in the fog. Some may say the marriage is done, but what do I know, his wife may be remorseful or she may not.

I'm still in the crowd in that confronting OM is not only empowering but effective in fighting the affiar. Even if its done after exposure.

I do agree with the "hell with OM" but again it may be another avenue in fighting the affair if the WW wants to continue or is on the fence.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I did. But I didn't know then what I know now. I figured it was safe since he's in another country. It was in the aftermath after DDay when I finally got into her secret facebook account, and there it was, his email address. Hadn't been to any infidelity support sites yet and I was still a mess. I threatened him, told him it would be no problem kicking the sh!t out of him. 

It was all bravado of course, because if it came down to it, I wouldn't be getting arrested because of some POS. I freely admit it was stupid. But it did make me feel better, especially when the coward didn't have the courage to reply.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Lord, you are not the only one, after a year of being here at TAM I have heard how empowering it can be.

I'm just the guy with a perspective, I hope 9500 finds the right path to take, there are many here that still haven't piped in.

As far as advise goes, wait and read, the answer will come, there is alot to be said on both sides of this coin so read and figure out the best path that will work for your marriage.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

the guy said:


> Lord, you are not the only one, after a year of being here at TAM I have heard how empowering it can be.
> 
> I'm just the guy with a perspective, I hope 9500 finds the right path to take, there are many here that still haven't piped in.
> 
> As far as advise goes, wait and read, the answer will come, there is alot to be said on both sides of this coin so read and figure out the best path that will work for your marriage.


First...my error for starting too many threads. As far as DS she shows no interest in R and is deep in the fog. She continues her gaslighting and rewrite history campaigns and is starting to get angry....I think she is feeling cornered and the price for her decisions. For me I have gone back to the 180 and working on staying calm. The ES and I'M are my triggers so I need to stop being obsessed in order to help the anger. I thought of emailing OM when I had an angry point today....I have calmed since then. Thanks everyone for your feedback and support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thanks for the update, she's not worth the effort, go dark, hard 180 and give her a taste of what it will be like when you are do longer around.

It will be a big joke for the both of them, and its a good choice to not reply, but if you want to give me his email, I'll f~ck with him LOL


Go dark and move on, but still expose, it will help bring the reality of there evil down on them.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

What is funny is that this is somewhat exposed already. Her parents and sisters know but only what DS gas role them. I talked with her parents too and they surprisingly downplayed the role of the EA. Only my parents understand how much it hurts. We have kids so I will go dark as I can and hit the 180 hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

DSSM9500 said:


> True - that helps. I have done plenty of writing down my own thoughts.


I write emails to myself. Helps to clear all those thoughts and make you stronger.

I would not email the OM. It will just be used against you as an example of how pathetic you are..


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

I've contacted two OM's (three kind of). One was about 18 months ago and was definitely an EA, not sure if it was a PA. It was an e-mail and was civil but stern. It appears that they both took it to heart because from what I can tell from the outside that ended it. I think he was scared of losing his job and family (same company). Of course she just found other guys for her need for attention.

I met with her boss about another guy who sent her a text wanting to bite on her neck. The boss had zero integrity and was later fired for all kinds of company policy violations.

I called another guy who used to talk to my wife about two hours a day. The first thing he said was "I promise nothing happened between your wife and me. We just talked. I would never do anything to jepordize my job. I can't get fired because I have five kids". He then started running off at the mouth and giving me the dirt on a few other people in the company who my wife was friends with. 

I contacted another OM a few weeks ago about a very inappropriate text conversation that appeared to suggest that they had done something physical at a meeting in another state. I threatened him if he ever came to see my wife in person. He swore that he would never do that, acted kind of scared. I asked him what would happen to his career if I gave the texts to the compliance department (they work for the same company). I asked him if his wife would approve of him talking like this to another woman. He said that she wouldn't like it. He then had another female employee contact my wife and threaten me with a defamation lawsuit if I sent the texts to his wife or the company. What a punk. 

My wife is scared to death that I am going to do something "stupid" like forward everything I have to the head office, which will get a lot of people fired and get a lot of spouses in big trouble at home. We'll see how it goes in the divorce. If she is agreeable and accepts what I say then I will probably just let it slide and move on with my life. If she gets greedy and it gets ugly I am going to drop the bomb. My motivation right now is financial rather than revenge.

I have a history of doing stuff like this to people who screw me over. I know exactly how to use the dirt to make their lives a living hell. Before anyone say there isn't any joy in it, there is for me. It has always felt damn good. She is so stressed out right now. For the last 18 months she had the upper hand over me because she had a vagina that guys want and it killed scared me to see her acting that way. Now she knows she is way out of her league dealing with me in this divorce. Sh told me today that she is making mistakes because she has never done this before (divorce). I told her that I do it all the time. She looked at me kind of puzzled and asked if I meant divorce. I said no not divorce - negotiating, attorneys, contracts, meditations, fighting. She just started to cry. Karma is a *****.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Never email an OM. If you are looking for help from the man who is poching your wife you are only giving encouragement. It would be grovelling to them. Please don't take my wife from me.
If you must email the OM then make it a firm statement that you will be fighting for the relationship and will be doing everything in your power to make sure he is out of the picture. Never a threat that could be used in court. Do not ask for his help. Do not grovel. If you can't be in a position of power then do not bother.

Now calling an OM and being Alpha with him and letting him know calmly and coldly that you are going to fight for the relationship and that means you are going to take him off the board unless he disappears is another matter.

But the bottom line is that your wife has to cut him out of her life. You should expose the affair to others. They know more than you do what they are doing.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Mike188 said:


> I've contacted two OM's (three kind of). One was about 18 months ago and was definitely an EA, not sure if it was a PA. It was an e-mail and was civil but stern. It appears that they both took it to heart because from what I can tell from the outside that ended it. I think he was scared of losing his job and family (same company). Of course she just found other guys for her need for attention.
> 
> I met with her boss about another guy who sent her a text wanting to bite on her neck. The boss had zero integrity and was later fired for all kinds of company policy violations.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


LIFE HAS CONSEQUENCES out him to everyone including his garbage man.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My wife would come home to find her bags packed and a copy of the email on top of the bags. Your business isn't with the OM but with your wife. Without her consent, the OM can't interfere with your marriage. If it wasn't this OM, it'd be some other. How many OM confrontations do you wish to pursue over the course of your marriage? If she isn't faithful you don't want her. If someone has to put a private investigator on her, GPS tracking device, conduct surveillance, confront suitors, let it be her next dupe of a husband. If she doesn't know which side of her toast is buttered, show her the door.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> If you must email the OM then make it a firm statement that you will be fighting for the relationship and will be doing everything in your power to make sure he is out of the picture.


At this point I wonder what I'm fighting for? A wife who has shown that when she gets unhappy she will go to another man for an EA? A wife who says she has effed up and is sorry, but won't give up contact? A wife who continues to contact OM even after acknowledging it hurts me that she still talks to OM? A wife who is gaslighting and blame-shifting to justify her actions? A wife who is selfish and thinking only of her self right now?

I understand she is in the typical EA fog and using the usual EA script, but it is still tough. You have all given great advice, but can be tough to engage the advice in the "heat of battle". For example how can I do a 180 and then think of emailing OM which would be confrontational? Or doing the 180 and then exposing? While it may feel good to use the "stick" right now, will that make her less likely to come back? Will it push her further into her angry place and into the "arms" of OM? And then I still wonder how serious the EA even is now (if I am to believe DS). DS says that ultimately she wants to leave the marriage for herself and the EA doesn't matter anymore and has no illusions of running off and marrying OM. Is that just "fog speak"? Maybe she has gaslighted and blame-shifted so much that I don't know what to think anymore. 

I'm hoping the separation help me clear my mind - I am confident it will. I love my wife and am in love with my wife, but do not like and am not in love with the person she is now: cheater, liar, blame-shifter.....


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

It's ypur alpha male coming out. Its called co(blocking. I don't think it would serve any purpose here though

Unless you want to tell him that your going to tell his wife, supply a shoulder to lean on for her, and then get all monkey a$$ crazy with her in th sack. Just to return the favor, of course. 

Of course, sometimes my vengeful gene expression is sometimes a little powerful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

I did send an email to my wife's EA partner, but it was after he ignored her NC email. He emailed her as if she hadn't even sent the NC, she let me know, and I emailed him saying, "I know you got her NC email. What part of it don't you understand?" and a few other civil but stern comments. He replied back angrily, and saying that if I found him to be a threat, he didn't know what to say. I replied one last time, saying simply, "You only need to know how to say one thing: Goodbye. Forever."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I"m yes and no with whether you should write to him or not--it all depends on what you say. 

Are you guys reconciling ( you and wife) or are you done? What you say to him (if you write him) will be different depending on those two things. So which is it?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DSSM9500 said:


> At this point I wonder what I'm fighting for? A wife who has shown that when she gets unhappy she will go to another man for an EA? A wife who says she has effed up and is sorry, but won't give up contact? A wife who continues to contact OM even after acknowledging it hurts me that she still talks to OM? A wife who is gaslighting and blame-shifting to justify her actions? A wife who is selfish and thinking only of her self right now?


If this is the case, then I would not be dealing with her at all if I were you. I would say "I have given you multiple outs and you continue to have contact with the man you cheated on me with, thus continuing your affair. I refuse to live in an open marriage. I will not live this way. I will be taking all appropriate measures to protect myself up to and including filing for divorce because I will not live as second best for another day. No way."


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I"m yes and no with whether you should write to him or not--it all depends on what you say.
> 
> Are you guys reconciling ( you and wife) or are you done? What you say to him (if you write him) will be different depending on those two things. So which is it?


DS is not open to R - she will not cut off contact with OM which is a deal breaker for me. At this point I see no choice but to "move on". 

On another note I had a weaker moment today and logged into our DSL router to watch the live weblog. As soon as I saw the google talk gadget go live (which is how she talks to OM) I reaffirmed via IM that it still hurts that she talks to OM. The other morning she apologized for still talking to OM while we lived together - she realized how it hurt. So I asked her to clarify if "she was sorry and will stop talking to OM until she moves out" or "she was sorry but will still talk with OM". Her response was "i only really have 4 days left here, so yes....i can leave it alone if it's going to make things easier for us to get along and figure out what we're doing."


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

....and I understand that "not spying" is part of the 180. I suppose that reaffirming that DS still talks with OM strengthens my resolve. i know that I need to stop.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Good for you for realizing this. It is hard, but you will heal much faster if you disengage from all the drama.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DSSM9500 said:


> DS is not open to R - she will not cut off contact with OM which is a deal breaker for me. At this point I see no choice but to "move on".


Ok. In this case, if you want to email him you can say something like this:

*"OM's Name, 

My name is DSSM. I am X's husband. I am aware you have had sex and have having an ongoing affair with my wife. I know this because X openly admitted it to me.

I am writing to advise you to get tested for STDs. As you 
know, X has not exactly been faithful and it would do you a world of good to get the full range of tests done and then go back to re-test in six months. I am telling you this as a caution to your health. 

I am sorry we had to learn about eachother under these circumstances.

If you have any quetsions, you can contact me.

DSSM"*

If he responds, let a few days go by without writing back. 

This does a couple different things:

1. It lets him know you are fully aware he helped betray your marriage & the affair ain't a secret anymore! Exposure is scary!

2. It puts your wife's and his relationship into question. Notice, you didn't lie in the letter above, you simply stated "Wife hasn't exactly been faithful" so he is wondering if she has fcked around on him too. The more vague you are, the better 

3. He is now freaking out because you just told him to get tested for STDs without really saying why ... he is now wondering if you have something, which means she might have something, which means he might have something. And, to add more gravity, you seal it with a kiss when you say "get re-tested in 6 months." 

4. Your approach was in a calm/caring manner, not accusatory or psycho. THIS *WILL* MESS WITH HIS HEAD. Trust me. He'll think, Wow, that guy could bit my a$$ yet he was nice and genuinely concerned which means, holy sh*t... she is prob cheating on me too with someone else AND now I may have a gross STD. Your sounding polite and genuinely concerned is going to throw him for a loop. Big. Time. 

Win-win, all around


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

DS and I got into a good and constructive discussion today. First about the kids and then it slipped into our relationship. Hey - I stayed calm the whole time! Anyways, I told her that if I had to make a choice today I would prefer a D. I reaffirmed that she has never been interested in R, won't/can't stop contact with OM, and that I'm not in love with the person she has become. I also said I was not willing to compete for her love and emotions. She tried to counter that 3 mental health professionals told her that the EA did not end our marriage and that I continue to invalidate her feelings about the rest of our marriage before the EA. Finally I handed her a sealed envelope with my wedding ring, a nice watch she bought me on our 1st anniversary, and a very personal and sentimental photo DVD she made for me just 3 years ago. I told her I won't be needing them anymore. Unless she comes to me begging I suppose there is little turning back now.


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

DSSM9500 said:


> DS and I got into a good and constructive discussion today. First about the kids and then it slipped into our relationship. Hey - I stayed calm the whole time! Anyways, I told her that if I had to make a choice today I would prefer a D. I reaffirmed that she has never been interested in R, won't/can't stop contact with OM, and that I'm not in love with the person she has become. I also said I was not willing to compete for her love and emotions. She tried to counter that 3 mental health professionals told her that the EA did not end our marriage and that I continue to invalidate her feelings about the rest of our marriage before the EA. Finally I handed her a sealed envelope with my wedding ring, a nice watch she bought me on our 1st anniversary, and a very personal and sentimental photo DVD she made for me just 3 years ago. I told her I won't be needing them anymore. Unless she comes to me begging I suppose there is little turning back now.


I would have pawned the ring and watch, given her a copy of the pawn receipt, and enclosed a DVD of me burning the other DVD. But that's just me.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

expose the affair to OMW


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> expose the affair to OMW


I would but have tried to track down some info with no luck.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

what do you have so far?


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> what do you have so far?


Not much - don't even know hew name.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you know OM's name I take it?


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

What a day. So we had an emotional morning, but now DS has been nice. She went and ran some errands with the kids and then texted me to see if I wanted something to eat (they were getting some fast food). So she gets home and we talked about who was taking certain furniture - everything was nice and calm. And then she asks me if we could sit and watch a movie together tonight?! Is this typical foggy behavior for a DS?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, very typical for a wayward. 

Pay attention to what she DOES, not what she SAYS. 

And what she is doing is continuing her affair.

IF you have a way to contact the OW, do it and expose the affair. Do so without warning to your wife or the OM. I have a little letter for that scenario, too.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Yes, very typical for a wayward.
> 
> Pay attention to what she DOES, not what she SAYS.
> 
> ...


Interesting. So is she playing nice now to protect the EA? I mean this morning we talked D and separation at this point is a given - she gets her new place in a few weeks. It seems to be a routine where really make my feelings know on the EA and then within a few hours she is back to playing nice. Maybe this for will start clearing more when she moves out.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Here's the exposure letter I wrote copy/pasted from another thread (link at the bottom):

Here's the thing about exposure: *NEVER GIVE YOUR SPOUSE OR THE OTHER WOMAN/MAN WARNING THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXPOSE. JUST DO IT!!! *

Why?

Because that will give the disloyal spouse and the OW/OM time to get their stories straight/corroborate timelines and make YOU out to be the crazy/psycho husband who has trust issues and is going through a hard time in his marriage,therefore he suspects his wife is cheating on him and wants to lash out at everyone. They *WILL *do this if you keep giving them warnings. Oh & you can bet they've discussed how to answer if they start getting questions: "My husband knows...if someone asks we can just say we're friends" and have already started planning and concocting their stupid excuses and lame cover up stories.

Find out who the OM's wife is and exposes immediately:

*"OM's wife,

Your husband, OM's Name, has been having an affair with my Wife's Name since on or about Month/Year. I discovered the affair by way of (fill in the blank). (copy/paste or verbalize any proof you have).Their affair has been detrimental to my marriage. My wife told me the affair ended however I have proof contradicts that--they are still having an affair and in contact. I am telling you this because you deserve to know the truth. If you were already aware of the affair, then I am sure that this comes as no surprise to you, but if not, I am sorry to have to be the one to inform you. If you want to talk further or need further proof, you may contact me at (....fill in the blank).

DSSM"*

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/31786-expose-not-expose-question.html


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DSSM9500 said:


> Interesting. So is she playing nice now to protect the EA? I mean this morning we talked D and separation at this point is a given - she gets her new place in a few weeks. It seems to be a routine where really make my feelings know on the EA and then within a few hours she is back to playing nice. Maybe this for will start clearing more when she moves out.


It's much mor ecomplicated than that. The wayward knows instinctively how very wrong they are for having an affair. Affairs are fvcked up, no matter how you slice it. They are the ultimate betrayal. So, the waywareds mind is in 15 difference places trying to fit all these pieces of their life that got flipped upside down by their own choice! They are pretending to be the good spouse, the good lover, mom/dad/ parent, having a job, all while the world they know is collapsing all around them. It's pretty crazy, actually. Then there is the angle of a divorce/spearation. She doesn't want to be mean to you cause she knows you may be able to go after her for adultery and/or property in the divorce. She wants to protect herself. She also don't want you to lose your sh!t and lash out a her and cause a scene in front of people/family. She wants to play nice. Also, she cares about you somewhere. Yeah I said it, the wayward does not want you to be screwed up by this (how wrong they are) so they figure if they are NICE to you, it makes what they did less painful. Treat the spouse sweetly so they will not see I am an monster/wrecking my family....treat the betrayed nicely beause in their mind, it justifies that what they are doing is NOT wrong...or rather, it rationalizes it away/ Get it??? 

It's pure insanity.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> It's much mor ecomplicated than that. The wayward knows instinctively how very wrong they are for having an affair. Affairs are fvcked up, no matter how you slice it. They are the ultimate betrayal. So, the waywareds mind is in 15 difference places trying to fit all these pieces of their life that got flipped upside down by their own choice! They are pretending to be the good spouse, the good lover, mom/dad/ parent, having a job, all while the world they know is collapsing all around them. It's pretty crazy, actually. Then there is the angle of a divorce/spearation. She doesn't want to be mean to you cause she knows you may be able to go after her for adultery and/or property in the divorce. She wants to protect herself. She also don't want you to lose your sh!t and lash out a her and cause a scene in front of people/family. She wants to play nice. Also, she cares about you somewhere. Yeah I said it, the wayward does not want you to be screwed up by this (how wrong they are) so they figure if they are NICE to you, it makes what they did less painful. Treat the spouse sweetly so they will not see I am an monster/wrecking my family....treat the betrayed nicely beause in their mind, it justifies that what they are doing is NOT wrong...or rather, it rationalizes it away/ Get it???
> 
> It's pure insanity.


You are so very right. I have been on a roller coaster and so has DS. She can end up acting so nice at the weirdest times - usually when I talk about the EA and am right. Then she goes into a bit of remorse and tries to compensate by being nice and wanting to be my friend. When she stays mad for a while it is usually because I have lashed out and said something dumb. I never recognized that the mind of a DS is so complex. Can't wait to see how she acts when she moves out.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Are you going to expose this affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I did email the ow and it really got me nowhere. I was very polite to her. I refrained from name-calling, and everyone knows how much I love to use fun words, I told her that I was hurt by both their actions and what kind of toll their affair took on me. The skankasaurus wrote me back saying she was sorry for my hurt but she really wasnt. She didnt care. I asked her to stop, to leave us alone, but she refused. I didnt realize this then, but when we email the OP, we look weak and pathetic to them. A few months later, she actually had the nerve to ask my his ring size because she wanted to propse to him. Ack! Funny thing is, now my ex is living with a completely different woman and this ow he was cheating on me with before is still chasing after him.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Are you going to expose this affair?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My parents, her parents, and her sisters are aware as well as some close friends. Of course I cannot assume how much info DS has exposed and if they understand how destructive it has been. In the course of conversation I will definitely not be afraid to tell my side of the story.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> you know OM's name I take it?


Yes- name, email, and city. I may sign up for Spokeo once we get our finances separated.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

DSSM9500 said:


> Yes- name, email, and city. I may sign up for Spokeo once we get our finances separated.


is it a common name?

I ask because I just googled my name and city and was able to find my wife's name in one click

also spokeo is $3/mo, you need to separate finances to pay for that?


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> is it a common name?
> 
> I ask because I just googled my name and city and was able to find my wife's name in one click
> 
> also spokeo is $3/mo, you need to separate finances to pay for that?


No....separate finances to hide it. It is a somewhat common name and am having a real challenge finding it. I'm patient enough to wait until after S.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Real simple solution- buy a gift credit card and use that to pay for spokeo
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Information is power. It's best to hide your explosives and only detonate them if you can follow them up with other immediate and overwhelming power and if doing so is very likely to achieve your objective. Using force cause it makes you feel better is a bad move. You can only blow that claymore mine once. Their secret revealed, they may just both leave their marriages and hook up. Have you positioned yourself for that?


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Information is power. It's best to hide your explosives and only detonate them if you can follow them up with other immediate and overwhelming power and if doing so is very likely to achieve your objective. Using force cause it makes you feel better is a bad move. You can only blow that claymore mine once. Their secret revealed, they may just both leave their marriages and hook up. Have you positioned yourself for that?


You never know. OM is already getting a D and me and DS look to be headed that way. OM would have to move here from across the country. You just never know.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

So to keep everything on the same thread....how does the 180 work if I used to be more emotionally quiet and detached? A gripe from DS (where she was correct) was that I was always quiet and distant and was not a big talker. So if I stayed that way is it really a 180? 

Let me know if a thread someplace else would generate better responses.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

D-, my $0.02, you are at the best place possible!

As far as the 180 look at marriagebuilders.com or search it here.

Some of it applies some won't , there is a ton ...a very long list, I'm sure you will be able to pick at it and find what will work for your sitch..

Just remember the 180 degree is about you, not a tool to get your chick back. So with that said, everything on the list could apply and it should.

Basicly, after reading it you may find you are already doing some of the behavior that are metioned..again for your self. Not a tool to win her back but help you get through.

For me, after confronting, My WW ONS/cheating stopped, I didn't have to fight through the fog or an EA w/ serious connections, so I'm not a pro when it comes to implimenting the 180 degree. But thats another story!!


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

the guy said:


> Thanks for the update, she's not worth the effort, go dark, hard 180 and give her a taste of what it will be like when you are do longer around.
> 
> It will be a big joke for the both of them, and its a good choice to not reply, but if you want to give me his email, I'll f~ck with him LOL
> 
> ...


Guy....if you are looking for someone to f~ck with, have I got the person for you. My H went to Iraq and started an affair, even went as far as emailing her mother! WTF???!!!! He cursed me and the children out (been married 15 years and this is how he thanks me, 13 years as a military spouse).....put a pic of this b~tches dog on his desk at work (there in Iraq). I have copies of the emails between him and her mom, sick stuff. He talks as if he is a single guy- she was sending him care packages....meanwhile he was not even calling to talk to his kids. Sick stuff. He asked for R, only after she left Iraq...awww, isn't that nice. Anyway, I received an email from someone deployed with them telling me about their "inappropriate relationship" and that they were disgusted by his behavior. She is newly divorced so what does she have to lose. Let me know I will gladly turn over her and her mom's email addresses. Some R we have had...he still has this b~tch on skype and refuses to take her off! Says that I cannot tell him who he can be friends with. Hope both of their careers are worth it. I am ready to turn them both in!


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Not sure if any of you are aware of Google+ , but its a new social network like FB and just opened to the public. I decided to activate an account to check it out. I recall a few months ago that DS was invited to try G+ but she never really understood it. So I activated an account added another male friend who I knew was on it and then searched for and added DS. And guess what? OM was one of her G+ friends! At this point I just chuckled a little and recognized that G+ and google chat was an avenue to move the EA/"friendship, or whatever DS considers it to be this week. 

So my post has two point. Be aware that G+ is out there and another avenue to carry out any sort of A. Another is that It's quite telling of DS to say she cut contact (at one point she said she did), deleted OM as a FB while keeping contact via google. At this point I doubt that DS really considers her EA underground. She sees it as a friendship she will keep, but her secretive (at least non-transparent) shows that she is still doing something she is guilty of.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

So today I was 99% sure that DS was chatting with OM on Google. So I played a few mind games and started chatting with DS on google too. I played dumb that I was checking it out to see how it worked. She said that she couldn't get it figured out and seemed weird, so we should stick with MSN IM to talk with each other. And remember, she is talking with OM at the same time on the same chat service! I work at home, so I walked into the living room from my office and surprised her. She had quickly minimized chat windows and so I parked myself next to her to discuss some income issues - she was having problems qualifying for her new apartment. I could see one of the minimized browser tabs flashing with an incoming message. So we finished talking business and so I told her calmly: "I'm 99% sure your still talking with OM everyday via chat....I just had a hunch and put 2 and 2 together. So go ahead and just talk with him and don't feel like you need to cover up and lie." She was caught WAY off guard and gave me a really irritated look and I left. I sent her an IM saying that based on her response I was correct - she still talked with OM. About 10 minutes later I went back to talk with her (I was pretty cheery) and she started to break down in tears. She said she is so stressed and has no one to talk too. OM is the only person she could talk to since she felt like she could not vent to me about the stress of separating. She said she has stopped talking with OM 98% but the stress was just too much and she needed someone "in her corner". I listened, was very understanding and stayed calm. For me this was a 180 - I threw her off. And I really did not have to act.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

I need some advice. Today was a fairly good day...confronted DS about keeping contact with OM. Said why not just talk with him and give up the lying and deception. I know she will maintain contact regardless of what she says....see prior post for further details. I essentially gave her a little rope and she took it. I monitored the web activity and she kept in contact on google chat for most of the day.....Ugh. But as part of my 180 I did let her know I was here if she needed to talk and I stayed calm all day and was in good spirits. This afternoon she did take advantage of my offer and and came to my office and vented for about 20 minutes about her sister. 

While its crushing to see that she still runs to OM when she is feeling down, she is not feeling down about me. Her fantasy is hitting a rough patch. Her apartment has not been approved, her job is pending the results of a drug test, and her plans for a car are not working out (we're a one car family and I'm keeping the lease!). She is stressed about the drug test because she is on quite a few Rx meds. She also thinks that nobody except for OM is in "her corner". While she can run to OM, her life is starting to spiral. 

My strategy right now is that I'm in full-on carrot/180 mode. When she talks I listen intently and with care, I have been very calm and non-defensive, and I'm showing that I'm in control - I feel like I'm in control. When we separate in a few weeks I plan on going dark while maintaining my 180 (for me). Well...sort of dark since we're going to share custody of two kids. I'm going to disengage as much as possible. 

Does this all sound like a good plan? I am having some mixed emotions - I want to move on but still have strong feelings for her thought I DO NOT love who she is now. My conditions for R will remain NC with OM for any sort of R to be possible. I'm not going to be put in a situation where we hit a rough patch and she feels its ok to run back to OM for comfort. 

Anyways, thanks for any additional feedback. At least for now I'm holding off on any contact with OM.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your conditions for reconciliation are good: no contact with OM. The problem is she is still in contact with him. So what are the consequences of her not respecting your boundaries? Cause it seems you have none. You can expect her to keep disrespecting you...because you don't respect yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Your conditions for reconciliation are good: no contact with OM. The problem is she is still in contact with him. So what are the consequences of her not respecting your boundaries? Cause it seems you have none. You can expect her to keep disrespecting you...because you don't respect yourself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are correct, but I guess I still consider myself to be in the carrot stage. Whenever I have distanced myself it would push her further away. I want to show her that I am and can be the person she wants. But once she moves out, I'm going dark as possible. I she wants to move out, she will fully realize life without me. 

Are there any other alternatives in the near term?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The alternative to not accepting her blatant disrespect is being a doormat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> The alternative to not accepting her blatant disrespect is being a doormat.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Make her move out. Let her parents take care of her. You have done nothing to give her a reality check.

Have you read the man up threads?

Help her pack and change the locks.

And above all be cool.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Also, I would send him an emai. I would send him a picture of your whole family in happier times. Tell him to add it to his collection of families he has broken up. Tell him your sure that someday you all will meet up.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

dgtal said:


> So, your are letting her go and going to 180? It won't work. This will be easier for her to accomplish her A until the married POS OM drains all his sexual desire and she wakes up from neverland frog. By that time it will be very late. It won't happen overnight. It may take years. And you what, are you going to wait?


I reached a point where I don't want her anymore. We had a massive fight and has become someone I no longer know and love....she mentally left the marriage so long ago that there is no hope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

I feel ya. Been 2 years though she did a 180 to make things right in terms of the EA but she still had the same issues we had before the EA anyway only now I dont have the love I had before to put up with it. Been struggle to figure(or admit) that while this might be fine for her its not for me. Weird to read this thread, I was thinking about email the OM last week even though it's been 2 years. Wanted to just see if he would give me some details that I am sure I was never given but in the end I didnt really care enough to know. I also realized that I am not even mad at him. I think I was only ever mad at him to start because it was easier to shift some of the anger toward someone other than my wife. I wouldnt waste a moment of time on the OM, will do no good in the end.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

> ....she mentally left the marriage so long ago that there is no hope.


That is where I am at and the hardest thing for me to grasp. I am 90 days out of D day and already divorced....who says good things dont happen fast.....I still struggle with how she could walk out of a 30 year marriage so easily, it is the fog, and the fact that she gave up on us 4 years ago, so she has had some time getting use to it...me not so much. If we could all just grasp this it would be so much better for us all....I think time for us to get it, is what is needed. So sorry that you are going thru this...you are doing great, keep it up.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Mike188 said:


> I have a history of doing stuff like this to people who screw me over. I know exactly how to use the dirt to make their lives a living hell. Before anyone say there isn't any joy in it, there is for me. It has always felt damn good. She is so stressed out right now. For the last 18 months she had the upper hand over me because she had a vagina that guys want and it killed scared me to see her acting that way. Now she knows she is way out of her league dealing with me in this divorce. Sh told me today that she is making mistakes because she has never done this before (divorce). I told her that I do it all the time. She looked at me kind of puzzled and asked if I meant divorce. I said no not divorce - negotiating, attorneys, contracts, meditations, fighting. She just started to cry. Karma is a *****.



Buddy revenge will eventually destroy you. Let go and move on.


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## 123Grits (Feb 6, 2012)

i see a lot of talk about being the alpha male and confronting the wife's PA...but what about when the betrayed wife wants to reach out and confront the OW? Is that ever productive. I s-o-o want to tell the world back off *****es..I aint stepping aside.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

123Grits said:


> i see a lot of talk about being the alpha male and confronting the wife's PA...but what about when the betrayed wife wants to reach out and confront the OW? Is that ever productive. I s-o-o want to tell the world back off *****es..I aint stepping aside.


Exposing her affair to her family , friends and coworkers is a far more successful tactic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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