# Marriage Help - Sex life Fizzled



## MKF (May 31, 2011)

Hi All,
This is my first post so a bit of background>
I have been with my husband for 7 years, married for just over 1 year. 
We started seeing eachother when I was 15 and at the request of everyone, we did the right thing and waited until I was 16 before we had sex. (I had, had previous sex partners prior to this, I was his first).
Our sex has always been very very basic, generally because of my lack of interest, I have always had a very low libido, he has always had a very high libido.

It has got the stage over the years he has asked and asked and bugged me constantly for sex, I have got to the point where I have totally shut down to it. I dont want to think about it at all and everytime he does something nice for me I think he is just tryin to get sex.

We come to a point a couple of months ago where I told him exactly how I felt and he went to the doctor to get tablets to lesson his libido.. I tried to open my mind to sex again and we had the most amazing sex I have ever ever had. I t was incredible. We have got back into the same old pattern again though.

My problem is I am very self conscious and I get to the point I cant stand him touching me at all, which makes it very difficult to start sex and a very difficult thought process to get over.

Can anyone help of offer suggestions?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Wow, I think that is very sad that he went to the doctor to lower his libido. Many joke about doing such a thing, but very few accually seek it out. I feel our sex drives is a blessing from God, I would never do this, but it could be excrusiating if our partners were not on board. 

I think you realize how damaging this is to a marraige. Men feel most loved when their wives want and desire them sexually, there is no boosting a man's well being more than this very thing. *Sex and Respect*. For you to be repulsed by this touch, very very damaging. 

Why are you so self conscious ? How is the physical attraction to him these days? What arouses you? Romantic movie, more affection from him outside the bedroom-without wanting you physically? (please understand this is hard for men!) It sounds you have some built up resentment to him for the past for wanting sex at every turn. 

To come to UNDERSTAND your husband and his needs, this may help you overcome some of your resentment . (recommended books below)

When you said you OPENED your mind - you had the most amazing sex-- THIS is it - can make all the difference in the world - a change in mindset. I did a thread on this very subject but in my case, I had a "sex is dirty' hinderance swirling around in my brain for many years. My husband did NOT badger me, looking back, I think he should have tried harder. 

If I was you, I would start reading books on sexual expression , how to please your husband, understand him, read romance novels if this can help boost your arousal (always did wonders for me), concentrate on anything that can enhance your interest in sex ! 


Here is an excellent book to explore -(it has 10 libido types - Sensual, Erotic, Compulsive, Dependent, Stressed, Disinterested, Detached, Addictive, Entitled, and Reactive). You both can learn more about each others type, opening up some understanding & come together as a couple, it has questioneres at the end for you both to explore your feelings Amazon.com: When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life (9781569242711): Sandra Pertot: Books

I found this a fantastic book - once you start feeling confident in bed, you will be more wanting to explore with your husband Amazon.com: Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man (9780060834395): Ian Kerner: Books

If you feel you are too much of a Good girl and these things are holding you back -try this Amazon.com: The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex: An Indispensable Resource to Pleasure and Seduction (9780871319340): Barbara Keesling Ph.D.: Books

I've never read this book, but I know it would be excellent in explaining why MEN need what they need from us wives, and our place as a loving wife in bestowing that . Amazon.com: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (9780060520625): Laura Schlessinger: Books

I hope the resentment in this area can be overcome. IT is not a walk in the park for the men either . Some to do not mind masterbating when their wives are not interested, but if your husband wants you , only you, and he has been faithful - even to the point of seeing a Doctor, damn, you have a GOOOOOOD man, so please see this !


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

He went to the doctor to get tablets to lessen his libido...and you let him?

What are you self-conscious about? 

I also don't understand how you could have a low libido, but you had sex partners prior to the age of 16 - something doesn't compute.

Is there past sexual abuse, rigid upbringing, overzealous religious environment?

You can't expect your husband to go without sex - it's one of the commitments you make when you marry.

You need to work this out in counseling - I don't believe there is much you can do, on your own, to get over the feelings and thoughts you are having - a counselor can help guide you to how and why you feel this way.

Were you like this BEFORE you got married? If so, then your husband ignored the red flags that he should have noticed before he committed his life to you.

Get counseling - ASAP. For you both.

Good luck!


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

BlackSand said:


> I have to say I think your husband must love you very much to take drugs to lower his libido or it was a matter of survival. I used to feel so bad about my huge libido but no longer. I revel in it now. I will not feel bad for desiring my wife. Poor guy.


Well said.. :iagree:


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## MKF (May 31, 2011)

Simply Amorous - Yes I definitely let him, the arguments over him asking daily felt more damaging to me than this scenario. He was becoming more and more frustrated, he contacted the doctor for ideas, this is what was offererd to him and he took it.
We have an amazing relationship in every other aspect, I love him SOOO SO SO much and he loves me, we have gone through A LOT together and I feel terrible I can't give him this one thing as much as he wants it.

I agree the key is me just letting go, stop thinking and go with it, when I do (when im drunk) its amazing, I love the closeness I love being with him, my mind gets me in the way of me getting to this point.

I know how lucky I am to have him, he is amazing, we have an amazing life together expect in this regard, we are on two different wave lengths, I am trying to get help to recity this one issue.

Partners prior to 16 were pure rebellion, a few family problems, and I just had had enough and just went off the rails a little bit, the turning point to that was finding my now husband.

Blacksand/ARF - I really really feel for him, I am not trying to say I am in the right here by any means. I am saying I have issues for whatever reason and I want to overcome them to be able to be with him more. He is an amazing person and I just want everything to be fantastic, thats what he deserves.

Marriedwife - I am selfconcious about everything, my skin, my weight, my body everything, I find it hard to just let go and be myself in that area. Yes I was like this before we got married, its something we have struggled with for quite a while. I just cant switch my brain off, I cant stop thinking I wish I could and I want to find out how.

I know its a sad situation to end up in, but I want to change it for us as in every other way we have such an amazing time together. We are affectionate and playful, we put time aside for each other to go out on dates...I just can't switch off my brain


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There's a medication a guy can take that'll turn him into a sexless zombie like his wife? Of course, castrating him outright would have been cheaper and morally, about the same thing.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Tell me MKF, what is your brain thinking as he is coming on to you, and kissing you all over? 

Doesn't this boost your self -image- your man WANTS you, he DESIRES you, he can't get enough of you? You need to feed your brain some new information - start telling yourself you are the most desirable woman on earth to him- simply because you are !! The temptation to compare yourself to other women, this has got to stop. Halt it in it's tracks. If there are things about your body you can correct because it bothers YOU, then work on those things. DOING sometimes helps us quit worrying. Obviously YOU ARE well enough -EVERYTHING in his eyes!  Sometimes we are overly critical on ourselves. 

If you was not good enough, he would have NEVER NEVER NEVER went to lenghts to lower his libido to hold on to this relationship. Personally, I would leave a spouse over that ! That would tick me off so bad, you have no idea. 

Sounds like he is an amazing husband. And he is all into YOU, you are the apple of his eye, the sole woman of his heart he wants to share himself with. FEELING this can do wonders for the mind! Just imagine, if that WASN'T there - now THAT is something to struggle with!!! 


I have heard of women needing to get drunk to enjoy sex, I have never been drunk a day in my life, can't relate here, but I DID struggle with a mindset that was hindering when it came to oral sex and anything remotely beyond conservative vanilla sex, I kept thinking the whole time if he tried to go down on me -- "How in Gods name can he enjoy doing this", bla bla bla, I spent so many wasted yrs & mental gymnastics during this act -I was purely blocking my own enjoyment & pleasure - cause it did feel amazing! I was embarrassed of my stomach after having kids, didnt want the lights on, it was rediculous. 

I can tell you, what another feels and is thinking is NOT the same as our critical selves, so rest assured HE is NOT thinking of all these things you are worrying about in your mind. You would be so far off! If he was , he would loose his erection. If that is not happening, you are purely turning him on. 

Let the hardness speak. Ha ha 

Does he do a little flirting during love making --to help bring your MIND away from it's hamster wheel of self -consciousness? Does this help you at all? 

I have had to "flirt" with my husband to get his brain back on pleasure over worrying about "keeping his erection" when I was wearing him out sexually - and it worked well . So never underestimate the POWER of the mind in sexuality. 

Let Your Largest Sex Organ Liberate Your Libido! It’s Not What You Think… | Dr. Cutler


Amazon.com: Sex on the Brain: 12 Lessons to Enhance Your Love Life (9780307339072): Daniel G. Amen M.D.: Books


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

MKF said:


> Marriedwife - I am selfconcious about everything, my skin, my weight, my body everything, I find it hard to just let go and be myself in that area. Yes I was like this before we got married, its something we have struggled with for quite a while. I just cant switch my brain off, I cant stop thinking I wish I could and I want to find out how.
> 
> I know its a sad situation to end up in, but I want to change it for us as in every other way we have such an amazing time together. We are affectionate and playful, we put time aside for each other to go out on dates...I just can't switch off my brain


If this is the root of the problem, and you have tried everything yoursef, perhaps you need some professional intervention to help you get past this - such as having some individual counseling about this issue. I don't think you want to always be drunk in order to let your mental barriers down.


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