# Is this normal behaviour?



## headgonnaxplode (Jun 11, 2012)

I figured I would get some feedback pertaining to the type of fights that occur with my wife. We've been married for a few years and most of the time are pretty much on the same page and enjoy each other's company. However, occasionally my wife acts just completely crazy is the only way I can describe it. I don't know if she has hormone issues or if this is just normal level of crazy and something you have to deal with in marriage. Anyway, I try to handle it but at a certain point the insanity truly makes my head feel like it is going to explode and I just want to get away from her...unfortunately that is something I'm not allowed to do. If a fight ever crops up and I try to say I don't want to fight or I try to go outside or something that usually makes it worse. 

Anyway the latest event went as follows:

We both work and so we both have "chores" around the house. We alternate cooking nights etc.

Anyway, the morning was going great, we have a normal walk and then she asks if I want to go grocery shopping with her. She knows I don't. That is one of her "chores" and like I said she is well aware that it is something I have no interest in doing. Anyway, this being the 3rd "chore" of hers she'd tried to get me to do with her in the past week I said, "Why are you trying to share your chores with me?"

And that was it. She immediately got very defensive and even started with the guilt trips of how she was just trying to spend time with me and I was making her feel bad by saying that...

Once I could tell it was headed for a fight and did the usual, look I don't want to fight, what I said wasn't offensive, I'm not sure how you are making that sound so offensive but I'm not going to spend the day fighting. At this point she continues to argue and try to explain how I hurt her feelings and don't I want to know how she feels. Finally, I said I can't believe that I'm not allowed to make that comment about you wanting to share chores without having to hear this lecture about how I hurt your feelings and I go outside.

Immediately I hear bangs and loud noises in the house...go back inside, shes thrown a show into a wall and made a hole and she apparently also took my work laptop bag and slammed it into a wall as all the stuff is scattered about (luckily laptop wasn't in it) and scratches are all over the wall.

She immediately curses me and says look what I did because you don't care about my feelings...

If I'd done this as a man I would be accused of having an anger issue and perhaps violent etc. This isn't the first time she's thrown something at the walls.

I think she has a hormonal issue, there is no other way to explain the incredible emotional swings.

Or is this normal amount of female crazy?

Thanks


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Uh, no. Not normal. I was neutral all thru your story about the grocery shopping, but the minute she starts throwing things through walls?

NO. WAY NOT NORMAL. Especially for a female, because that's not the way we usually express our anger. BTW, this is NOT hormonal. No, it's not. Hormonal is weeping and getting offended easily. Breaking walls is not hormonal.

You gots a problem, my friend. Is she in any kind of counseling? Would she consider it?


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

she sounds bipolar. i know because i am bipolar. she may have wanted to spend time with you, but when you made your comment she got very upset. with bipolar people. we want you to feel bad for making us feel bad or at least be as mad. when you dont react and you ignore or walk away. it drives us crazy that we didnt get the reaction we wanted from you. so we have to channel that anger somewhere. unfortunatly it is usally the stuff of the person that pisses us off. (sorry for spelling). if she isnt bipolar. then she may be stressed out at work or with other things and taking her anger out on you the first chance she gets.


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## headgonnaxplode (Jun 11, 2012)

That is what I wondered...if she might be bipolar.

Whenever she gets upset it is nearly impossible to stop the launch sequence so to speak...

And then it is always how I hurt her by saying/doing x...


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

with bipolar we think more about our feelings then others. and when you dont feel just as bad, its like an explosion. once that anger is at the surface, there is no turning back. i cant even begin to tell you all the s*** that i have done when pushed to my anger. it is not normal. soon when breaking things does not make her feel better, then breaking you will be next. going and getting on the proper meds makes a differnce. but if she isnt willing to speak to a therapist, then it will continue. the more anger you see explode, the easier it gets to show you the anger. we always love our spouse that we would even die for them. when we love, we love hard. just like the other emotions. talk to her. deep down she does want help.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Another vote for some kind of personality disorder. Yes she wanted to spend time with you and couldn't process your answer so she exploded.

This isn't normal.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

What was her childhood like?



headgonnaxplode said:


> I figured I would get some feedback pertaining to the type of fights that occur with my wife. We've been married for a few years and most of the time are pretty much on the same page and enjoy each other's company. However, occasionally my wife acts just completely crazy is the only way I can describe it. I don't know if she has hormone issues or if this is just normal level of crazy and something you have to deal with in marriage. Anyway, I try to handle it but at a certain point the insanity truly makes my head feel like it is going to explode and I just want to get away from her...unfortunately that is something I'm not allowed to do. If a fight ever crops up and I try to say I don't want to fight or I try to go outside or something that usually makes it worse.
> 
> Anyway the latest event went as follows:
> 
> ...


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, Conrad. If I had a dime for every time you asked that question, I'd have a whole lotta dimes


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

sounds normal to me. you said, she has stuff she does, and you dont like going to the store to buy food....so she is stuck with that duty...

i think she just wanted to spend more time with you, and maybe she has done things with you that she hated doing, but she sucked it up and went along.

saying "why are you trying to share your chores with me??"

i think she just wanted to spend more time with you. my husband dosent like going dress shopping with me, but he goes, dosent complain, and makes it fun for the both of us.

i go and do his stuff also. i dont complain or make it so impossible with me that he would rather do alone.

i think she has held in her resentment, and it just came out all at once. when i read it to me i heard, i dont feel like doing this crap with you, and why should you expect me to spend time with you doing things, neither one of us wants...

i could be off base. but been there, done that, did that. the whole post. its been spread out over the years, and it changed to laundry, to post office, even salvation army.

so i screamed at him...broke something, and we had a silent week...but all i had to say was, i think we should do more things together. i want to be around you more. we laugh about some things now, and look back on how we just needed to talk more and open up.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lamaga said:


> Oh, Conrad. If I had a dime for every time you asked that question, I'd have a whole lotta dimes


I'm sure his answer will be a real surprise.

Neglect - at best

Abuse - at worst

Alcoholic parents

Adoption

Early divorce


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

what is normal anyways?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Uh, no. Not normal. I was neutral all thru your story about the grocery shopping, but the minute she starts throwing things through walls?
> 
> NO. WAY NOT NORMAL. Especially for a female, because that's not the way we usually express our anger. BTW, this is NOT hormonal. No, it's not. Hormonal is weeping and getting offended easily. Breaking walls is not hormonal.
> 
> You gots a problem, my friend. Is she in any kind of counseling? Would she consider it?


I'm uncertain if there's a "normal" way of expressing anger. I'd say there are healthy and mature ways. And this isn't part of that. 

I don't know if I'm way off here... but OP, when you mentioned the slamming and throwing of things, I just thought of a temper tantrum. She sounded frustrated at not getting her own way. Maybe there are issues for you to work out between you, but from where I'm sitting, the tantrum like that is screaming for attention and perhaps craving boundaries, like a child? I don't know, I don't have children but it's how it sounds to me. 

So how do you handle that? How does one express that a tantrum isn't acceptable? I don't know much about BPD so I'm not considering that in my post.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Pandakiss said:


> so i screamed at him...broke something, and we had a silent week...but all i had to say was, i think we should do more things together. i want to be around you more. we laugh about some things now, and look back on how we just needed to talk more and open up.


How did you get to that point to realizing that's what was needed? 

I grew up with a frustrated/resentful mother who I experienced slamming doors and stomping about. As a teenager, I started becoming a door slammer as well. When my bf (who become my H) and I first moved in together, we were young and had a disagreement and I stormed off and slammed the bedroom door. After a short time, he came into the room and calmly told me that that wasn't the way to be with him (the door slamming). That was the last time I did it. Sometimes it took mental discipline not to fall into those old patterns I'd learned but I knew he wouldn't put up with that kind of crap. And he didn't deserve it either. That's how I learned, being a door-slammer and throwing a tantrum was not cool.


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## headgonnaxplode (Jun 11, 2012)

glad to see only one person thinks it is normal and perfectly reasonable to break stuff when you don't get your way...

I agree it is child like behaviour... and yeah I wish I knew how to diffuse/handle it


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

headgonnaxplode said:


> She immediately curses me and says look what I did because you don't care about my feelings...


She needs to take responsibility for her actions, behavior and the consequences. 

How did you handle that part?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

headgonnaxplode said:


> glad to see only one person thinks it is normal and perfectly reasonable to break stuff when you don't get your way...
> 
> I agree it is child like behaviour... and yeah I wish I knew how to diffuse/handle it


Part of the key associated with what you can do - and what you can expect - lies in her childhood experiences.

It's an important question.


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## headgonnaxplode (Jun 11, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> How did you handle that part?


Just walked out of the room, haven't spoken since, been a couple days. She did repair the wall at least...

As far as childhood, no abuse perhaps slight neglect (single mother with several kids)...

Either way at some point an adult needs to realize certain ways of acting aren't proper no matter how they were raised, unless there is a mental/hormonal issue.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

headgonnaxplode said:


> Just walked out of the room, haven't spoken since, been a couple days. She did repair the wall at least...
> 
> As far as childhood, no abuse perhaps slight neglect (single mother with several kids)...
> 
> Either way at some point an adult needs to realize certain ways of acting aren't proper no matter how they were raised, unless there is a mental/hormonal issue.


Ok - carry on.

One last question.

Where do you think serious mental issues come from?


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Uh, no. Not normal. I was neutral all thru your story about the grocery shopping, but the minute she starts throwing things through walls?
> 
> NO. WAY NOT NORMAL. Especially for a female, because that's not the way we usually express our anger. BTW, this is NOT hormonal. No, it's not. Hormonal is weeping and getting offended easily. Breaking walls is not hormonal.
> 
> You gots a problem, my friend. Is she in any kind of counseling? Would she consider it?


Testosterone is a hormone which predicates anger and violence... so why is it not hormonal?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You hurt her feelings and she was angry about it. Her anger is a direct result of your insensitivity and somewhat naivety.

It sounds to me that she wanted to enjoy your company while shopping together. She was not about you sharing her chores. Read up about the five love languages before it’s too late.

Your wife’s expression of her anger is an active expression, obviously. The other expression of anger is passive expression. One type of anger is overt, the other covert. In the long run one is as bad as the other but I believe passive aggression to be far worse because you don’t know it’s there, you just know it’s affects. You know your wife is angry so you can do something about it!

A huge part of living a successful life is about how we manage our pain and our anger which comes from it. The way your wife manages hers is dysfunctional to say the least but it’ll be what she learnt as a child. So all she’s doing is “copying” behaviour she witnessed when she was a child.


You do need to help your wife. I’d start by apologising for hurting her feelings. Buy her some flowers and tell her you are sorry.

And tell her you have a new boundary. That you will no longer tolerate her angry outbursts and that if she wants to keep you she must find new ways of communicating to you when she is hurt, what she is hurt about and why (so you can do something about it) and of expressing her anger when you hurt her.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I would very highly recommend that you stop being dismissive of your wife's feelings. Her feelings might not be the same as yours, she might feel differently than you do about any given situation, but that does not make her feelings "wrong" and your feelings "right". They are feelings, and hers and just as valid as yours. 

Does she need to learn to handle her hurt and anger in a more mature way? Absolutely. Slinging a fit like she did is not okay. 

It's also not okay to dismiss your wife's feelings out of hand or try to "educate" her about why her feelings are incorrect and what you said "shouldn't" offend her. It did offend her. Just because you _didn't mean to _hurt her feelings, does not mean you _did not _hurt her feelings. 

Her - anger management. 
You - empathy.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You need to sit her down and talk. You both have communication issues. It's clear from her words that she feels you don't like spending time with her and/or should make more of an effort to. Women who feel neglected hurt deeply. Her throwing things around is childish though.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Adoption


I'm curious how you think this would affect her. I was adopted and never thought it really played any role in my marriage but you've got my curiosity piqued.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

JoeRockStar said:


> I'm curious how you think this would affect her. I was adopted and never thought it really played any role in my marriage but you've got my curiosity piqued.


Adoption can wreak havoc with the adoptee in terms of attachment. Many adoptees have serious trust issues (others do too), but there's a greater sense of abandonment with adoptees - especially if they don't bond well with their new parents.

It takes years to get past all of this. My adopted children (adopted at age 4) are just now pulling close to me - in their early 20's. This is after a suicide attempt and an extended eating disorder.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Adoption can wreak havoc with the adoptee in terms of attachment. Many adoptees have serious trust issues (others do too), but there's a greater sense of abandonment with adoptees - especially if they don't bond well with their new parents.
> 
> It takes years to get past all of this. My adopted children (adopted at age 4) are just now pulling close to me - in their early 20's. This is after a suicide attempt and an extended eating disorder.


Interesting, I guess that makes sense. I found out by accident when I was 18 but had suspected it for years prior. My parents were afraid to tell me and never got around to it. Wonder if this is one of the reasons for my "nice guy" syndrome?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I'd caution anyone about making sweeping generalizations about adoptees. Maybe those who are adopted after a difficult childhood, sure, but many adoptees were adopted shortly after birth and they don't have any kind of consistent emotional pathologies. And Conrad, you know how much I like you, but you should know better.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

headgonnaxplode said:


> Just walked out of the room, haven't spoken since, been a couple days. She did repair the wall at least...
> 
> As far as childhood, no abuse perhaps slight neglect (single mother with several kids)...
> 
> Either way at some point an adult needs to realize certain ways of acting aren't proper no matter how they were raised, unless there is a mental/hormonal issue.


While she may need to recognize/learn your boundaries, I agree with Rowan and Jellybeans about your 'side' to consider in this - learning empathy and communicating between you. That is indeed on you. 

With all of that bottled up emotion that comes out through frustration/hurt, having you simply shut down and give the silent treatment is also an immature way of handling things. And how would that make her feel? How would that pan out in the long run, that pattern between you?

I agree with AFEH's post and Jellybean... have a calm talk, acknowledge her hurt feelings and also set her expectation that that type of tantrum isn't helpful, just as you ignoring her isn't helpful either.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lamaga said:


> I'd caution anyone about making sweeping generalizations about adoptees. Maybe those who are adopted after a difficult childhood, sure, but many adoptees were adopted shortly after birth and they don't have any kind of consistent emotional pathologies. And Conrad, you know how much I like you, but you should know better.


lamaga,

On the whole adoptees have more issues than others.

That's just a fact of life.

Doesn't mean it's a cakewalk for any of us.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

JoeRockStar said:


> Interesting, I guess that makes sense. I found out by accident when I was 18 but had suspected it for years prior. My parents were afraid to tell me and never got around to it. Wonder if this is one of the reasons for my "nice guy" syndrome?


Somewhere along the line, we internalize the idea that our needs are secondary and we have to "earn" love.

It can come from a variety of places.

My 2 sisters largely treated me like crap and my parents didn't do anything about it - except tell me that "brothers and sisters should love each other"

Love those who treat you like crap, eh?

Gee - think that might have something to do with it?


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

heartsbeating said:


> How did you get to that point to realizing that's what was needed?
> 
> I grew up with a frustrated/resentful mother who I experienced slamming doors and stomping about. As a teenager, I started becoming a door slammer as well. When my bf (who become my H) and I first moved in together, we were young and had a disagreement and I stormed off and slammed the bedroom door. After a short time, he came into the room and calmly told me that that wasn't the way to be with him (the door slamming). That was the last time I did it. Sometimes it took mental discipline not to fall into those old patterns I'd learned but I knew he wouldn't put up with that kind of crap. And he didn't deserve it either. That's how I learned, being a door-slammer and throwing a tantrum was not cool.



not sure exactly when i had the lightbulb moment. but it came from not being able to blame the way i was raised for things in my life.

i stopped fighting my husband, and got back to fighting by his side. i grew up, and i didnt like the person i saw.

also, i watched a lot of talk shows...so i had a lot of others to compare myself to.

neither of us had the best role models growing up, so we had to live and learn. over the years we both said i dont like this or that, and have communicated to well enough to be understood.

we also read a lot of relationship books. it took a few long years, and some real bad arguements, and some week long silent times. a little dr. phil early to open communication better, and tam to understand triggers.

my mom dosent know how to talk out her feelings, she still to this day, slams doors, throws things, slams stuff around, fridge a cabinet door, she also uses emotional blackmail.

my husband and i got our sh!t together, and now he wont tolerate this from the kids or anyone else.


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## GhostRydr (Jun 2, 2012)

headgonnaxplode said:


> glad to see only one person thinks it is normal and perfectly reasonable to break stuff when you don't get your way...
> 
> I agree it is child like behaviour... and yeah I wish I knew how to diffuse/handle it




I live a woman who goes whacko...if I walk on eggshells Im lucky to only deal with when her PMS hits..if I choose to defend myself with facts (which she abhors) then I have to deal with her craziness, hormonal whatever it is...issues. Even if it were to be diagnosed, Ive lost my ability to care anymore. 3 years is enough. 

Now that we have decided to part ways, its not as bad cuz I basically said, if you keep it up, I will stick you with the bills when I leave.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

headgonnaxplode said:


> glad to see only one person thinks it is normal and perfectly reasonable to break stuff when you don't get your way...
> 
> I agree it is child like behaviour... and yeah I wish I knew how to diffuse/handle it


i didnt say it was good bad or the other. i just said its a normal go to action..esp in a early relationship. the two of you are just getting to know one another.

the two of you just have to work in communication, and there needs to be trust so both of you feel secure to talk openly and freely without feeling judged.

it is immature, and words need to be said, but if she dosent know how to express her self, than it will come out in rage and anger, esp, if her feelings have gone ignored, and she feels taken advantage of, or for granted.

maybe she is telling you, and you arent getting exactly what she is saying. i think you should sit down with her and ask her what she feels, and you should tell her what you are thinking and feeling.

dont get upset, and if you or she dosent understand, just keep talking and find a new way to say what you are thinking and feeling.

it wont happen over nite, do the love languages test, take the time to make talking important, and spending time together important, even if its at the grocery store. bond over what to buy and make for dinner.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think the attraction between two people is based a lot on their opposite nature. In heterosexual relationships there’s not much more different than Man and Woman, right?

If we were an exact same image as our partner then sure we could understand them as well as we understand our self. But we’re not the same, in fact we are opposite so we at times really struggle to understand them.

We do though often assume that our partner (or anyone else for that matter) thinks and feels about things the same way we do. But they don’t. In fact in many things they will think and feel the opposite way we do.

These things are no more true than in the language we use to express our love for our partner.

Your wife asked you to demonstrate to her you love her by going shopping with her. When you said you weren’t going to go, you told her you weren’t going to love her. Then when you accused her of wanting you to do her chores with her you told her you REALLY didn’t love her. And then when you continued with your “argument” you yet again told her you didn’t love her and you give not a damn about her feelings.

Not saying the above is what actually happened in her mind but it may have been. Get it?

Believe me the really good thing is you see your wife’s anger when you’ve hurt her which means you can do something about the hurt you caused her. With passive anger you don’t know you’ve hurt her yet you get persecuted and punished for it many times over. Even though the pain you caused was accidental.


In Jungian terminology you’re probably a Thinker and your wife a Feeler, opposites. You make decisions based on how you think about them, your wife on how she feels about them. If so your wife will be far more sensitive than you are and it’s probably one of things you love about her.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Expecting you to accompany her for grocery shopping is absolutely normal inspite of the fact that it might not be your _*chore*_. It is not at all constructive to be so calculating or strict about these kind of things at home. And the way you put it in front of her was quite insensitive. Flexibility and Compromise really helps in general when it comes to marriage. If you are usually very unaccommodating & insensitive in your behavior towards the W it could cause serious resentment issues. So I can understand why she would be upset about your comments. 

However, generally speaking, her angry behavior thereafter is not normal. 

I say "generally speaking" since we don't have your wife's side of the story. Maybe there is more going on between you two, maybe your tone was not good, you added some more insensitive comments during the argument.... Maybe you really drove her crazy... I don't know. I would say, most likely the change needs to be from both sides -

1. Try to genuinely see her point of view and see if you can make any changes around areas that drives her insane. Try to be a 'good listener' and little flexible & sensitive to her needs if possible.

2. Talk to her, make her see the downside of this behavior, ask her for inputs on how you can help, and encourage her to sign up for anger-management or some IC that will help her control her angry behavior if that might be of help. Encourage her to pursue any hobbies she might have - that would give her a constructive outlet to release her emotions and might ease out her anger to some degree.


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