# I have no one to talk to



## confused4227 (May 14, 2012)

I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I am not sure how to properly explain the situation but I am going to try my best as it is really a complicated situation.

My husband and I met when we were 15. That was 23 years ago. We dated off and on during high school. I was the reason it was an on again/off again situation. I think that my home situation had a lot to do with that as I am a product of divorce and have had a hard time dealing with relationships. The first time I broke up with him was two weeks after we met. My friend and her boyfriend wanted to go out with them and another guy. This other guy was older than me and had a car. I wanted to go out with my friend and her boyfriend and I did not think that it would be right if I went with them while I had a boyfriend, so I broke up with him so I could go out with them. It was a disaster. The other guy that was with them would not keep his hands off of me and my friend and her boyfriend stayed in the other room and had sex the entire time. I felt really bad afterwards and asked if we could get back together. He said yes and things were good for a while. 

Then the second incident happened and we have varying opinions about what happened with this one. My husband claims that I broke up with him on Valentines Day to go shopping with a gay male friend of mine. I did leave him for a while to go shopping with my friend, but I do not recall breaking up with him to do so.

During my senior year of high school, I met a girl at school that I was attracted to. I told my husband that I liked this girl at school and told him that I think that I might be a lesbian. He laughed at me and kept teasing me telling me that I was definitely not a lesbian. We broke up after that, but we still continued to see each other every once in a while anyway. It didn't help any that his family moved to one end of town and my family moved to another end of town, there was not any bus service and neither one of us drove. 

Then the real problem happened. After my graduation we didn't talk much. I was anxious to move out of my mother's house (I did not have a good family life). My husband and I were talking about possibly getting back together and trying again after I moved out. I was to move into my friend's grandmother's basement. Before the date that I had planned to move out, my mother and I got into a huge fight and I tried to call my husband to tell about the fight and he was not available. I had to get out of my mother's house right then, so I called another male friend and he came over to my new apartment, we started drinking and watching some movies and ended up having sex. I was supposed to have a moving in party shortly after that and that was when me and my husband were going to try to work things out. He showed up, I was really, really drunk (I had just recently taken up drinking) and instead of discussing us getting back together we got into a fight outside. I don't remember exactly what I said to him, but he tells me that I told him that he was my high school boyfriend and that I didn't want to see him again and that he could call his parents to come pick him up as I did not want to wait for him to get out of school. I believe him. I am sure that what I said was very hurtful to him. Then he says that I went inside and had sex with our male friend right in front of him and that our male friend asked him if he wanted to join us. I am not proud of this.

My husband and I did not talk again for about 4 years. I never stopped loving him during that time. One day he called me out of the blue and wanted to know if I would like talk to him again. I said yes of course, we went out for coffee and he moved in with me that night. 

We have tried to talk about this, but we have different opinions about a lot of the things that happened. My husband claims that I cheated on him with our male friend. I feel that I did not cheat on him as I tried to contact him and he was not returning my phone calls. He told me later that he was working at the time, but he never told me about this job. I feel that I was a stupid teenager and had no idea about what I wanted at the time. I had a lot of issues that I had to work out at the time. He accepts this and we move out of state together. We were married while we were living out of state.

We have 2 kids and then for some reason the past gets brought up again as it always does. We started fighting, then I found out that a few months before we met each other he just broke up with this guy that he had been sexually active with. (I need to note that he made me believe that I was the first person he had ever been with. He told me that I was the first girl that he had ever been and since he was the first person that I had ever been with I failed to make the distinction at the time.) I had always felt really bad about what I did to my husband all those years ago, but when I found out that he was hiding this information from me for so many years, I kind of felt like he was being to harsh on me for what I did to him so many years ago, especially since he teased me about being a lesbian so much. 

We fight about this occasionally, but this next time was particularly bad and he told me that when our youngest child turns 18 he wants me to leave because this time he is going to kick me out of his house since I kicked him out of my apartment so many years ago. This argument was about 3 years ago. I was taking a Calculus class and very stressed out. He says that I started talking about a movie that I watched when we were not together and I might have been. Anyway he wanted to know if I really regretted what happened that night. I tried to explain to him that I regret how I treated him, but that I needed the time apart from him to deal with my childhood, my sexual identity, my sexual orientation and I really believe that I was not emotionally ready for a meaningful relationship at that time and that I did not regret the 4 years that we were not together. My reasoning for this is that if we had worked things out back then; then my life would not be the same that it is now. We were not together for those 4 years, so what good would it do to regret that. He was mad at me for this and was jealous because I did a lot things while we were not together that he didn't do. He said this in a tone that was like it was my fault that he didn't get to do everything that he wanted to do during the 4 years. I told him that it was not my fault that he was a loser and didn't do what he wanted to while we were not together. I wasn't there to stop him.

So now he has been extremely depressed since then and makes these rude comments about being a loser. I have tried to explain to him that I did not really mean that I think that he is a loser, but that blaming me for him not doing what he wanted to do while we were not together was why I called him that. That I was referring to his behavior and not him personally. I have not cheated on him the whole time that we have been back together. I need some advice on how to deal with this situation and move on. We have both made mistakes in our past and I think that my husband is the greatest man there is and I want to be with him forever.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

IMO, you need to go to individual counseling so you can have someone to guide you. 

Also, go through the threads here to read those that may be helpful.

Just reading about similar situations can be very helpful


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, first off, welcome! You will find many supportive people with lots of good ideas.

I got a little bit lost in your time frame, but the one thing I can say unequivocally is that high school doesn't matter. You guys were broken up for four years after high school and then got back together, right? High school is off the table, and off limits as far as fighting goes. You are not those people any more.

Now...there are a lot of other red flags in your post, and I don't really have enough info to comment, but I hope you will continue to share with us as you feel more comfortable here.

Again, nothing you did in high school is fodder for arguments now. Period.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I hope you have gotten tested for STDs, because he's bisexual and his preferred cheating partners are other men. Is there a reason why you didn't file for divorce after being seperated for 4 years? Do you know if he's still cheating? If he's not cheating, then you will need some intensive MC to even have a hope.

It looks like he's blameshifting in order to justify what he did.

I'm a little messed up about the timeline myself.


----------



## confused4227 (May 14, 2012)

Thank you Iamaga. I'm sorry that the time line is so confusing so here is some clarification.

We met when we were 15 and broke up when I just turned 18. We got back together 4 years later and have been married for 13 years in December.

I am happy to answer any additional questions you might have as I am really trying to resolve this issue in my marriage. Other than these 2 incidences; the big drunken break up and then calling him a loser 4 years ago we have a really awesome relationship.


----------



## confused4227 (May 14, 2012)

Lord Mayhem,

He did not cheat on me, he just as he put it neglected to tell me that his previous sexual partner before he met me was a guy. We were not married at the time that we broke up for 4 years. Sorry about the confusion.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> Then the real problem happened. After my graduation we didn't talk much. I was anxious to move out of my mother's house (I did not have a good family life). My husband and I were talking about possibly getting back together and trying again after I moved out. I was to move into my friend's grandmother's basement. Before the date that I had planned to move out, my mother and *I got into a huge fight and I tried to call my husband to tell about the fight and he was not available. I had to get out of my mother's house right then, so I called another male friend and he came over to my new apartment, we started drinking and watching some movies and ended up having sex.* I was supposed to have a moving in party shortly after that and that was when me and my husband were going to try to work things out. He showed up, I was really, really drunk (I had just recently taken up drinking) and instead of discussing us getting back together we got into a fight outside. I don't remember exactly what I said to him, but he tells me that I told him that he was my high school boyfriend and that I didn't want to see him again and that he could call his parents to come pick him up as I did not want to wait for him to get out of school. I believe him. I am sure that what I said was very hurtful to him. *Then he says that I went inside and had sex with our male friend right in front of him and that our male friend asked him if he wanted to join us.* *I am not proud of this*



You deserve some kind of award for this. I think Seangar's(Wolfgar's) wife pales in comparison to what you did. Atleast she did behind the doors. 


So you broke with your bf without telling him when he couldn't pick up the phone that night and started banging the new(?) male friend the same night. Then you have sex with some other guy in front of your bf for your moving in party when you are supposed to be working things out. Then the other guys offers your bf to join in. Your excuse? You were drunk. 

Do you realize how traumatizing such an event can be.

Then you call him a loser for losing 4 years of his life over this. And you cannot understand why he is upset about this? 


Is this some cuckold fiction here?

Your bf is an idiot for getting back and having kids with you after what you did to him.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow. I honestly can't imagine how he was able to face you again after that night you dumped him and had sex in front of him because he wasn't fast enough running to you when you called him.

That would have been the last time I would ever see you, if it was me.

And then you belittled him for being upset at being humiliated by you like that.

Your husband must be carrying lots of repressed rage and destroyed self esteem after those two hits.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Shaggy and Warlock, I respect both your opinions and I agree this was a messed up shi*ty thing to do but this was high school and this was a messed up girl. If you have a messed up life, and family, and childhood, it is at it's most fu*ked up in your teenage years. Teenage years are where you do your most stupidest things whether you are fully functional or fully dysfunctional. Obviously the more dysfunctional you are, the more crazy your teenage years are. Do not judge her on her totally dysfunctional teenage years of mayhem and craziness and shi*ty things she did to another. We have all been there to one degree or another and if everyone was judged on the worst thing they did while a teenager then 99% of people would be 'lifers'.

Confused, he is obviously struggling to get over what you did to him way back when you were children. Have you ever given him any reason to feel uneasy about you since? Do your actions reassure him or do you have occasion to make him worried that you haven't changed into a reliable and decent adult? If you do nothing to make him uneasy then he obviously has a problem...insecurity, holding on to negative issues, hurt badly in the past (you?...but he needs to get over that because you were kids and he wants to be with you, needs to forgive you. Hurt badly by someone closer and more detrimental in a child's development), he is bitter, wants to hurt you back as much as you hurt him?, he cannot forgive any that hurt him badly?....just giving thoughts here but it sounds like he hasn't moved on from that hurt, hasn't forgiven you. And yet he called you 4 years later to get back together. He must have been very much in love with you. You hurt him deeply. And the answer to him getting over that? I don't know. Talk to him. Get in depth to all of it and go over it again and again and let him be upset and angry with you, and let him grieve again for that night? Sounds a bit OTT...but a thought. I don't know if my ramblings help. Maybe he needs counselling to see what the underlying factors are in him not getting past 'it'. I don't know. I hope you find your answers so he can let those childhood demons rest.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Remains, look at her use of words. She says she isn't proud of it. No, she isn't ashamed of it. Just isn't proud of it. She reminds me of those women who never have to grow up and remain narcissists because of the doormats that surround and worship them(most likely because of their looks)


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Remains, look at her use of words. She says she isn't proud of it. No, she isn't ashamed of it. Just isn't proud of it. She reminds me of those women who never have to grow up and remain narcissists because of the doormats that surround and worship them(most likely because of their looks)


I think u have the 'looks' generalisation confused with vanity and self centredness. And if a man falls for a woman due to only her looks and ignores her self-centredness then that is fully down to his own vanity. Plenty of good looking people out there who treat others well.

And you may have a point with the use of words with 'not proud' as opposed to anything stronger. But she also does not push it across to 'his fault' she did it because he was an arse that night, or whatever other reason it could be that makes it his fault and not hers. I think if she was being narcissistic she either would not have mentioned it, tried to blame it on him, or certainly not been so explicit in all that had gone on in the very long original post.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Remains, What I said wasn't an attack - I didn't call her names or awful. But I did point out, and stand by, the fact that her actions no doubt have left him emotionally scarred and deeply troubled.

She's wondering how to fix her marriage. I think she's not showing any remorse or any empathy for what she did to him. But seriously for someone who says she had hard times as a kid and people should understand that and give her a break, she isn't giving him anything here.

She doesn't regret. She also makes it sound that she went pretty wild and then rejected doing those same things with him - again a message of just get over it buddy.

Honestly, I suspect he got back with her out of some twisted idea he thought my be love, but was something else. I think that he's had enough of her being cruel and non-sympathetic to his feelings and he's now older and looking at life ahead and realizing that he doesn't deserve what he's been through. 

Follow this up with her lack of empathy, and he's realizing she's just never going to be emotionally supportive of him, and that maybe he can do better. He's not having an affair, but he does seem to be growing a spine and not accepting it any longer.

How to fix it? 

I suggest she really starts making an effort to listen to his emotions and respect them - not dismiss them. I suggest she begins putting time into developing empathy for him - and never again tell him to get over it. Finally, if he feels he missed out on live experiences and sex experiences - that she needs to gear up and help him have those with her - otherwise he will divorce her and seek those out with a new partner.


----------



## confused4227 (May 14, 2012)

You are right. I did say that I was "not proud" of what I did, but isn't the opposite of proud ashamed? I am deeply ashamed of my actions that night and the fact that I don't really remember much of the details of the night, which is part of my husband's problem with what happened that night. I am only going on what he told me happened. The only definitive memory of that night that I have is going outside to talk to him and that what I said to him that night was cruel. I know I was very angry with my husband for not being there for me when I really needed him. I was upset with him for teasing me about my attraction to women. Perhaps my anger towards him was misdirected and I was really lashing out at my miserable childhood that I was finally free of. I don't know.

What I do know is that for years I tortured myself over my behavior that night. I had always felt that I did this horrible thing to this innocent guy who did nothing but love me. I was his first everything and I broke up with him so that I could explore my sexuality mainly because he was the first person that I had given myself to sexually and I did not want to go through life with him being the only person that I would have a sexual relationship with and I wanted him to have other sexual experiences as well because at that time I assumed that I was the only sexual partner that he had as well. I did not find out about the guy that he was sexually active with until after we had been married for some time. I am not upset with the fact that he is bisexual or that he was sexually active with another guy before we met. I was hurt that he didn't say something about this or be more supportive of me at the time when I was having issues with my sexuality, instead he teased me about it. So yeah, maybe I lost a little bit of the remorse that I felt and lashed out at him and called him a loser. I am ashamed of that as well.

For the record. The male friend that came over the night my mom got into a fight was the same male friend that was at the party.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I stand by my 1st post. If that behaviour is truly behind you then you both need to talk, put all behind you, wipe the slate clean, forgive each other and yourselves, and never bring it up in any negative fashion ever again. Move on. Both of you.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

JMHO, pretty childish behavior from kids growing up in a small, small town. You have demeaned him beyond believe during you guys HS days, and for some reason he came back to you, 4 yrs after the fact. And to this day are still having fights from 10-23 years ago!! The worst part is you guys have two children who are growning up in all that mess, by you guys reliving it like it was yesterday!! Move on, ask him if he can accept your mistakes as a child and judge you by your actions now... oh yea and stop making comments degrading him more.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think he's hitting a point in his life where he is look back and seriously questioning his past choices and asking himself is he on the path he wanted to be on in his life.

Since that night and the subsequent 4 years had left such a scar on him emotionally, and since he subsequently married you - I think he's evaluated the situation and decided that his life isn't going where he had hoped.

He's got a lot of resentment at you, and I think a level of resentment and humiliation for having gotten back with you. Your marriage is a 1 in a million marriage as no one else would have taken back up with you. 

If he has IC and you two have couples therapy you might be able to find a path through his feelings. Ignoring them and hoping they go away is dangerous.

But obviously this is still haunting him 23 years later and that means that time in this case won't heal wounds. 

Frankly, even if he doesn't stay with you, I think he needs the counseling to help him through this as I believe a huge part of the problem is his feelings that resulting in the two of you getting back together. That's something that has whittled away as his self esteem these past two decades.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Really?? You guys are hanging on to stuff that happened 23 years ago??? If there was so much resentment why'd you get back together or get married in the first place?

Make a date somewhere, block out half a day to talk about this, throw out everything on the table, with the express intent that at the end both of you agree that you made mistakes, it was hurtful, and that you're going to forgive eachother and move on.

Not sure how either of you could live with so much unforgiveness and resentment.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

let me see, married 23 Dec, apart 4 yrs before that. that's 27 yrs in the past. ok 26. Confused, I think he is just coming to terms with his shame and guilt that he was actually in an affair with a man while younger, an is looking to blame you for his action. the shame and guilt has eaten away at him, so he confessed. now he sound angry that you still want him. IR for you both, but accept no blame or guilt for being a stupid messed up teenager from a bad home. this is on HIM !!! Or, he is feeling those old urges again, and is looking for a reason to D you. He may just want a separation. watch out for this. he may use that to go downlow while you two are apart. Lady, if this happen,, plz plz plz, have him tested before getting back with him.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

OldWolf57 said:


> let me see, married 23 Dec, apart 4 yrs before that. that's 27 yrs in the past. ok 26. Confused, I think he is just coming to terms with his shame and guilt that he was actually in an affair with a man while younger, an is looking to blame you for his action. the shame and guilt has eaten away at him, so he confessed. now he sound angry that you still want him. IR for you both, but accept no blame or guilt for being a stupid messed up teenager from a bad home. this is on HIM !!! Or, he is feeling those old urges again, and is looking for a reason to D you. He may just want a separation. watch out for this. he may use that to go downlow while you two are apart. Lady, if this happen,, plz plz plz, have him tested before getting back with him.


 Old - I might agree if it weren't for the fact of that night in question has been brought up through out the last 23 years. It's clear this isn't him dredging up old past hurts suddenly, instead it's an ongoing pain that he is dealing with.


----------



## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

To paraphrase the immortal words of Allan Iverson...

"We talkin about high school guys. High School. Not now. Not what is important now. High School. High School."


The fact you two still fight about High School is a far bigger issue then what happened.

That should be the cause for concern. Do you really fight about anything else?


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Shaggy, going back to reread. but at his age back then, he didn't just walk into a gay relationship. He had to have been curious, and to not only try it, but to develope a R as a coming out of HS 18 yr old, that's goes deeper. My baby brother was gay. he was my mom's old age baby. He and I used to talk a lot after we reconnected. I was pissed at mom and him for years. Tough cool guy like me with a gay brother, you know what I mean. Anyway, the anger over the years could have been a couple of things.1. Resentment, shame and blaming her for hurting him so much he went that route. Which I can't see. Hell, in my HS days, we swapped GF when skipping school, or they pulled the old chu chu. Young and dumb we was. 2. he like what he did, but couldn't see family and friends accepting, so settled, and resentment comes up over the yrs. So may now be fighting with himself and trying to make her leave, so he will have another xcuse.


----------

