# How do I let go?



## risinphoenix (Aug 11, 2011)

I am having a hard time letting go. Its been 8 days now since she said she wants out. She doesnt know if shes making the biggest mistake of her life or the best decision of her life. She said all she knows is she can't put me through her indecisiveness anymore & doesnt wanna hurt me anymore. I move out Monday so I can start to move on with my life. I was discussing with her last night the stuff I will be taking with me & she instantly shut down & would not talk to me. She told me this morning that she had a nightmare last night that she walked in our bedroom & everything was gone & she started to beat me up. I asked her this morning if she wants to set a timeframe on when to file for divorce & she began crying & said we have too much other stuff to figure out & doesnt wanna talk about it. I'm so effing confused, she acts like she doesnt want a divorce but she asked out. How do I move on when I dont really know whats going on. I think she is still as confused right now as she was when she initiated all this 3 months ago. Everyone I talk to that has been through this or that have friends that have been through this tell me @ some point she will ask to come back, they said it has happened in every one of their cases. Im tired of feeling as if I'm slowly going insane.
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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I just read your other posts. First of all, I am sorry you are having to go through this. It seems like you get hit by a truck, you try to stand up only to get slammed once again. She is obviously very confused by her emotions. I think that when she is not being run by her emotions and is able to think clearly, she considers the possibilities of staying. When she is being goverened by her emotions, she is ready to end the relationship right away. I loved hearing that you are making changes in your own life. Keep up those changes! And be patient with what you are going through.


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## risinphoenix (Aug 11, 2011)

I will not quit making positive changes in my life, I have to continue to become a better man not only for myself but for my son also. One of the things that I loved about my estranged wife was the fact that she was very in tune with her emotions but little did I know that characteristic of hers would eventually turn my entire existence on its head. Of course my hopes is that once all of the dust settles in her mind & heart she will see she is making a mistake but I can't cling to that hope, I have to continue forward with my life without her. This is the hardest thing I've ever walked through in my entire life. I miss her alot but the person she is right now is not the person I met & married.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why are you leaving? 

She should be the one to go if she wants out. Tell her that. 

She is acting like a typical wayward...want out but don't really act like it at times--say one thing but their actions do another thing. They act like their heads have been stolen and been replaced by aliens. It's actually very common.

Is she having an affair, by chance? Rule it out first. A lot of people in affairs act as your wife is acting. 

Listen to her and validate what she says. Find out what you did to contribute to this breakdown of your marriage. Find out what she did. Work to correct those things. But ... it must come from BOTH parties. One person alone can't work on a marriage. 

I would tell her that you don't feel you both need to jumpt o a divorce right now, impulsively, and you'd like to set up a timeframe for a separation and to go to marriage counselling individually as well as a couple. If she doesn't bite, tell her that you respect her wishes and will not beg or try to make her stay.

When someone wants out--you let them go. Te harder you cling to someone who desperately wants out--the worse off you will be. It has the opposite effect you want.


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## risinphoenix (Aug 11, 2011)

Im leaving cuz I dont want to isolate myself & I know myself enough to know that I will. Im going to live with my sister & her girlfriend so I have an in home support group thats not afraid to call me out on my negativity & self pity. I know she had an affair when we were seperated for 3 weeks. She justified it to me by saying that in her head she thought we were over. The reality of the situation is there is no way in a 3 week period she met someone & had a 1 time fling. I'm smart enough to know the groundwork was laid even before she asked me to leave. She claims to be done with him but I don't believe it. We did the counseling & I did everything I could to work on the marriage but she wasn't willing & like you said Jelly, it takes 2 to work on the marriage. She still doesn't know if she wants to end the marriage but she doesnt wanna keep me in limbo anymore. I will not beg and I know I can't make her stay. All I can do is let her go & move forward with my life. I was happy to divorce my 1st wife & did not shed a single tear but this situation is having a devastating effect on me.
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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

Keep moving on without her as hard as it is. If she truly wants you at this point she is going to have to prove it with her actions....make her work for it. Also, if she see's you as strong person her attraction level might increase.


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## risinphoenix (Aug 11, 2011)

How do I move forward without understanding why shes doing this? Am I not meant to understand it & just accept it with an effin smile & move on my merry way?
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## risinphoenix (Aug 11, 2011)

I completely pissed her off last night. When she was leaving to go out & stay with a friend for the night I asked her if she would be staying with a friend the next night also. She said yes, I told her thats good cuz I cant be around her anymore cuz im angry cuz I dont understand this whole situation. She instantly got pissed. I told her not to leave here angry, Im just telling her where im at, im not mad at her, I just need space right now. She said she needs her space too & she is angry cuz she doesnt know how to respond to what I initially said nor does she know what shes feeling about it, she just knows it causes her to feel....I need out of this chaos, I feel as if she doesnt even realize nor care what affect this has on me. Im going to spend most of my time after work today packing up the rest of my stuff today & either moving it then or 1st thing tomorrow. I just want to breathe again. How did we get to this point? I hate her for deciding not to work on us & giving up. She has become a completely different person before my eyes.
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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Its very early days, don't be so hard on yourself. I am 3 months on and still not able to let go. 
Just take care of yourself and try the 180. Sit back don't stress and try and ride the way. Begin to sort your life out and she may come back.


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## risinphoenix (Aug 11, 2011)

Thanks sparkle. I am hoping when I move in with my sister I can start to screw my head on straight then. I really feel as if I'm going insane.
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