# Struggling... Help please...



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

As the title says... I am struggling.

Now. My story is that my H had an EA. I call it an EA but don't call it an affair. In my head it's lying smack on the borderline between inappropriate and an A. I think he was dipping his toes in to see what the water felt like, if you know what I mean. His was because of his ego. He liked a pretty girl making it obvious she wanted him. She was a distraction from his everyday life (god that sounds awful, what must that make me?)

I found out about three months ago, it had been done for a month then. I got upset, cried, screamed at him, and eventually decided to work through it. There was a point initially where I thought he was going to leave because he was confused, he didn't know what he wanted, it wasn't her as he wasn't interested in her (!) but he didn't know what he wanted.

So since then, we have been going to MC. The OW sent a few fishing messages and tried to call, he for the most part ignored but did succumb to texting on occasion which set things back but having read about the fog, I understand this a little more. Things have been OK. Slow and steady I guess. I reached a point a while ago where I chose to forgive him, I accepted why he did the things he did, to fuel his ego, I understood that he didn't set out to do these things to hurt me (although they obviously did!) I said I didn't want to keep going over and over things as I felt it wasn't helping me.

After that I felt on top of the word. Like a weight had been lifted. I genuinely felt like this was it, we could move forward and things were getting much better within our relationship.

Now? I have been struggling. I found a questionable text which I posted about last week. He deleted it and said as soon as he read it (it was from a friend about the OW) he knew I'd read into it so he deleted it to "protect me." He insists it didn't mean anything, there was nothing more to tell me, he'd told me everything.

I am now fixated on thinking there *is* more that I don't know about. I am struggling to deal with this. The thing is, I love him and accept that what he did was a selfish thing. But even though I do feel that, and know he didn't do it to cause me hurt, the fact he did through his lies and omissions leads me now to wonder if a) he did indeed lie about other stuff, and the EA could have been more, or even a PA to some degree, and b) whether I can live with knowing he lied and hid stuff.

The thing is, I read other people's stories and really feel for them. People on here who have been betrayed in the worst way, cheated on for month and years, and how they are dealing with it, and I think, well, he only really got close to a woman, verging on intimate, it never went past that (that I know of) so what's the big deal? That he liked another woman and let her know? Should I just be able to get over this? Because I'm not sure if I can.

What else really has hurt me is him saying that so many people we know can't understand why I'm so bothered. It seems to them, all that happened is that some girl at work tried to kiss him, he told her to get lost, and that was it. I didn't realize until the other day when he said this, that everyone thinks I have completely overreacted by being so upset, dragging it out, "making" him go to MC. It appears that he has omitted to tell everyone the extent of what he did, it doesn't look like he told these others about how he engaged in stuff outside of work, texting, calling, gifts, his confusion over whether he wanted to stay with me initially after I found out, his contact after when we were trying to work it out. How he perpetuated the attention even though in his words, he never wanted to take it further. How she kept invading our lives with her every message, call, attempt at contact, how he wouldn't change his number at first. I continue to feel sidelined by the way he has apparently painted it to make me look like the neurotic wife.

I am really struggling. Apart from planning to sit him down and explain I am having trouble, I don't know what else to do. I have such a lot of anger at him that I thought had gone, but has resurfaced. I can feel myself sliding slowly into a depression from the unresolved anger. I used to suffer from depression years ago but thought I'd got a handle on it. Now I can feel it coming back and it's a place I don't want to be.

Any thoughts please because I have no idea where to go from here...


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Is reads like your husband gaslighted you to his friends and co-workers, a way though this to go to his office meet his co workers and bring up that since his affair with OW life has been a difficult journey of recovery and mention he has been less than honest about the detail of the affair.You do this not to look or be controlling but to ensure he is seen as the wayward he is, in order for him to earn the word former he had best be doing everything to save your marriage. 

A few regular visits to his office will cause him concern.

I suggest you sit with him and ask what he told his friends, when he is finished smile and say he should then have no problem that you provide evidence of his affair. Or he completely fights for your marriage in every sense of the word. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I suggest you see a doc and get some help, you are on this state as you have a husband who is undermining the impact of the affair, undermining you and rug sweeping. Get the depression under control fast.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

Our stories are similiar. Mine left the house. I think he is cheating. Lay down the rules or show him the door. It is extremely difficult and painful, but you cannot be a doormat as I was.

You need to continue with IC.


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

I agree he is gaslighting you and you are allowing him to do it. He needs to be completely transparent about what happened. He needs to tell the OW that you know everything, you two are R, and they need to NEVER contact each other again. This friend of his who texted him about the OW, needs to be out of your lives too. He is not a friend of the marriage (he knew this was going on) and should not be a friend of your husband.

Sounds like you BOTH are trying to recover from an affair without having to make the painful choices, and having the painful discussions, necessary to heal......and this is why you are struggling.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

"
What else really has hurt me is him saying that so many people we know can't understand why I'm so bothered. It seems to them, all that happened is that some girl at work tried to kiss him, he told her to get lost, and that was it. I didn't realize until the other day when he said this, that everyone thinks I have completely overreacted by being so upset, dragging it out, "making" him go to MC. It appears that he has omitted to tell everyone the extent of what he did, it doesn't look like he told these others about how he engaged in stuff outside of work, texting, calling, gifts, his confusion over whether he wanted to stay with me initially after I found out, his contact after when we were trying to work it out. How he perpetuated the attention even though in his words, he never wanted to take it further. How she kept invading our lives with her every message, call, attempt at contact, how he wouldn't change his number at first. I continue to feel sidelined by the way he has apparently painted it to make me look like the neurotic wife."




You should bring this up to the marriage counselor first. Do you have faith in the MC? It 's human nature for him to under play what he's done. Probably even believes it himself. If you can't get through to him maybe the marriage counselor can. 
seeing doctor for depression may also enlighten WH. Good luck and keep praying.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I agree completely with everyone else about the gas lighting he's doing to you. The only thing I would add is that, as a wayward, I would never ever delete anything I received from or related to the OW until my wife read it. Regardless of what it said. I understand that to delete anything before she read it would understandably create exactly what you are experiencing. I also have enough faith and trust in my wife to believe she would work through with me anything the OW sent (she's quasi bunny boiler). I guess what I'm saying is that deleting anything before you see it is a huge step backwards in the path of reconciliation and it doesn't appear that he understands that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Sigma's right. Transparency is one of the requirements for reconciliation. Deleting anything from the OW goes against that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Without a doubt he has built a web of lies around himself so tight that he is scared to see it all come crashing down and is self preserving at the moment.

Hold onto your hat, and prepare for the worst. This may be only the tip of the iceberg. His apparent lack of commitment to counseling is a red flag for sure.

You are doing nothing wrong.

GM


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Without a doubt? Wow pretty strong. I have read back the last two threads I have started and for sure, it doesn't look good, looking in from the outside.

I am in a very difficult position at the moment. Yesterday one of our children had a horrible accident and we came very close to losing them. Luckily our child is fine now with no lasting effects, but it has hit us both hard, and my H has taken it very hard that he couldn't save our child himself (luckily there was a doctor where we were.) He is very upset at the moment and there is no way I can bring this up with the way he's feeling now. I've been swinging between life's too short to bear grudges when things like that can happen, and life's too short to put up with the stuff I've had to deal with from his EA. My mood is swinging up and down and he's trying to deal with his guilt from the accident.

I should clarify that he is no longer in touch with the OW, and the text message he says is basically someone inferring something they don't actually know. It's difficult because the message didn't say outright that something more had happened between my H and the OW, but it could read like that.

Also my H has been OK about going to MC. Not enthusiastic by any means, but I made it a condition of R and he agreed to it. He has been every week with me since it started. I also like the counselor very much. I know H would agree that she is not biased. The counselor said his behavior with the OW was him playing a "very dangerous game" that the OW was not aware of: ie he says he was only flirting and enjoying the attention, but obviously the OW did not understand it like that.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Glad your child is ok, sorry your family went through that scare. The thing for me in reconciliation is honesty. Meaning that I will never let my wife find anything. Everything that happens she hears from me, and then gets to see it herself so she knows I've been honest and transparent with her. I do this to prove to her how seriously I take this and to help keep the demons of doubt that I put in her mind out. To me a slip or two in NC isn't as terminal as what happens immediately after - if the wayward fesses up or hides it. To me this indicates where their head really is regarding R. Fessing up is being transparent and honest, hiding it is the opposite and leads right back into the affair. A slip of NC is the behavior of an addict, hiding it is the action of a cheater. 

Based on this thread I have no idea if he's hanging onto the A or not but it does sound like his commitment to reconciliation is not 100%. Not that he's not committed to it, but it sounds like he's not totally in and this is kind of an all or nothing ball game.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> What else really has hurt me is him saying that so many people we know can't understand why I'm so bothered. It seems to them, all that happened is that some girl at work tried to kiss him, he told her to get lost, and that was it. I didn't realize until the other day when he said this, that everyone thinks I have completely overreacted by being so upset, dragging it out, "making" him go to MC. It appears that he has omitted to tell everyone the extent of what he did, it doesn't look like he told these others about how he engaged in stuff outside of work, texting, calling, gifts, his confusion over whether he wanted to stay with me initially after I found out, his contact after when we were trying to work it out. How he perpetuated the attention even though in his words, he never wanted to take it further. How she kept invading our lives with her every message, call, attempt at contact, how he wouldn't change his number at first. I continue to feel sidelined by the way he has apparently painted it to make me look like the neurotic wife.


What else to do, IMO, is to tell him that if he wants to keep you, he MUST set the record straight. He MUST tell these people the truth, that it was HE who was making the mistake, not YOU. Tell him that, if he is unwilling to do this, to save you in his life, you will take that as a sign that he doesn't love you enough to deserve you.

He is gaslighting. Maybe it will help to get a book on it and read it with him.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

turnera said:


> What else to do, IMO, is to tell him that if he wants to keep you, he MUST set the record straight. He MUST tell these people the truth, that it was HE who was making the mistake, not YOU. Tell him that, if he is unwilling to do this, to save you in his life, you will take that as a sign that he doesn't love you enough to deserve you.
> 
> He is gaslighting. Maybe it will help to get a book on it and read it with him.


I will do this. I had planned to. I had all ready mentioned it to him, how it hurt me, he just said that people are entitled to their opinions, which I agreed with. However I doubt he has told people the rest of the story that is not what he painted, ie this girl at work had a crush on him and wouldn't leave him alone, and she made passes at him. This is why people think I'm overreacting: he's made it out like he turned her down and that was it. As far as I know he never mentioned all the secrets, the lies, the calls, the texts, etc etc.

I just can't mention it right now until his head is straight as it wouldn't be fair.

I am fairly sure that with this, he will say he doesn't see the point as to him it will be opening old wounds, it's done with, why do I want to do that, he doesn't want to talk about it at work, blah blah blah.

I did a while back give myself a date with which to reassess things. I put this aside when I forgave him, but now I am looking forward with this in mind.

I also plan to pursue my plan of digging for more info. Much as it pains me, I'm going to resort to some dirty tactics in order to see what dirt I can pull up on this. I really didn't want to but I can't see any other way to set things straight one way or the other.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You are fighting for your marriage. His fogged mind is the enemy. You need to save him - and you - from himself. Snooping is in order. 

What about writing him a letter letting him know that you expect him to tell these people the truth, and give him a time line within which to do it, or you will reassess your marriage?


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