# Newly Separated and need help in moving on



## conflicted but in love (Sep 28, 2012)

I am newly separated < 3 weeks. A little about what led it it.... Over the last two years my wife has had several emotional and physical affairs. Allot of lying on her part and ups and downs in our marriage. In Sept I had a one time affair myself. 2 weeks ago during a time i though we were working on things and reconciling she tells me its over and she met somone. Since then allot of dirty stuff is going on. They are having sex, she thinks she is pregnant, He comes to our house when i'm at work and sees her. And She has introdused him to our kids, which I think is wayyy to soon.

I understand its deffinilty over. I really don't want to get back with her. Although I do think there is a very small part of me that believes in true love and marriage and all that stuff that would get back together, of course with very many changes and of cource marriage counceling.

Right now its just hard because despite everything she is doing a part of me still loves her and has fond memories of better times. But is seems like she has just moved right on.
For example I know this dude is coming over because all of a sudden I find all the pictures in the house of me and my wife taken down and thrown in a box. I tried just now to delete an album of pictures of me and my wife from facebook and i could'nt do it.

So whats I'm looking for is any advice on how to feel better about all this. and move on dispite the fact I'm still living at the house.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Starting off I got three words for you. 
Document, document, document!

Write down everything about what she's doing like you just posted and keep it handy for when you start to deny the HORRIBLE WAY SHE'S ACTING. It really pays off having a diary to check with when she starts to pull you back in as a plan B just to keep you around a little longer. 

Second, keep us informed here and tell us your story. Along with any support you can find in the real life TAM will help you out a lot. Believe me, there are other's here who can empathize with your struggles.

Third, do a little research on your own as to the legal system so you don't get screwed in court and a lot of psychology over affairs so you know what's going to happen. I'll go ahead and spoil the ending.... the OM leaved her when she moves the rationship too fast and tries to get him committed. About 2 years on average depending on the person, could be a lot lot shorter when the OM discovers everything she's been saying about her abusive husband (victim story) is completely false and she cheated on you.

Just give it time and come here whenever you need to vent or rage about her.


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## conflicted but in love (Sep 28, 2012)

Thanks. Whats I am uncertian about is this. Number one this new dude supposedly has money and owns a few houses and land, however he works for her boss (a plastic surgeon) as a chuaffer basicly. Now where I live you don't own property and still work for somone. You own proeperty and people work for you.

Number two She told me she will be asking him for money so she can stay in our 4 beroom house (that we rent) after i move out (she or I could not afford to stay there on our own)
I'm worried that if he wises up and says no then we're at a spot where we really can't get out of our current living/financial situation. So what gonna happen? Will she put on a act to get me back? She obviously seeing this new guy because he supposedly has money so I'm pretty sure she would do the same thing again if it did'nt work out with him.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Yes, yes, and YES! 
Your wife is going to emotionally toy with you as she has her plan B at home taking care of her daughter while she plays with him for his money. But you want to know how this is going to play out don't you? 
It starts with her blaming you for everything and really rubbing her affair with the other ma in your face. Anything you didn't do or didn't do well enough she's going to tell you he's doing exactly that for her..... and so on and so forth. If she does divorce you she's probably going to hold out for time by dangling the promise of reconciliation if you do everyhing she demands while she tries to sucker the rich guy into marrying her. There's a low chance that will happen, but if it does she's going to keep one had on his wallet the whole time and drain him dry when she divorces him for someone else. 

This story is so freakin common you are going to hear about it time and time again. Poor helpless waif with daddy issues finds herself a knight in shining armor and makes him fall in love so fast and so deep that they end up marrying and having a kid or two. But just as she starts to realize the marriage isn't going to be a honeymoon forever she finds one excuse after another to treat her husband like dirt because he doesn't measure up to her extremely high expectations. So she cheat on him when he can't keep up with the Disney princess fantasy and tells the next guy about the knight and shining armor making her scared all the time and what a jerk/creep/loser her was *BUT NEW GUY IS SPECIAL..... he's never made her feel like this before...... *and the play continues with a new guy playing your role and she jumps back into super sweet mode playing the helpless victim. It's like a circle, but instead of a metaphorical tool to help people understand karma it's one that leaves nice guys hung out to dry in it's wake. Here's a great article I found that helped me out when I asked myself these questions. 

Will My Emotionally Abusive Girlfriend or Wife Be Different With the New Guy? « A Shrink for Men

She's not going to be different AT ALL. She'sjust going to tell you and him that she's changed and then start acting like this with him months from now when he does one of the many no no things that triggeres her increadible super sensitivity and unleashes her repressed anger from child molestation and parental issues. 

There's not a whole lot you can do either except agree with her, apologize for whatever she thinks you did to deserve some of this, and then walk out on her or kindly let her know you're not going to let her belittle you for every little thing. The key word is Kindness..... for the love of God don't scare her or anything or she could very well use that to keep you from seeing your daughter and kick you out of your home. Listen you can beat any sort of situation like that by use of the 180 and being kinder to her when she's pissed. She's going to tempt you for a while but if you keep talking to her in a calm voice and sweetly tell her how she doesn't have to yell or scream, you agree with her affair because you were't working out, or you are ok with her being herself.... she's going to stop attacking you. She's looking for someone to take her issues out on, better let her do that with her shopping sprees and let her yell at him NOT YOU. 

The key is always to agree. If you have nothing major to lose except a little pride then side with her and stop giving her fuel to power the ass kicking machine in her head.:rofl:


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