# am I delaying the inevitable?



## almondbutter (Aug 31, 2012)

Hi all,
I am new...never thought I'd be here, but I'm sure this is said often so I'll get to it.
me: thirty something, married 8 yrs, two small children.

background: met my wife in college over 10 yrs ago. We didnt date until we were both out of college, however we hooked up in college once. I had a girlfriend at the time.....she was aware....it was the first time in my life that I cheated. We married years later, had two children, and live a very fortunate life. No financial issues, travel well, eat well, live well, etc. I have never been unfaithful in my marriage. My wife does not work and cares for our children. As of the last....maybe 2 years...our marriage has been rocky. A lot of this can be attributed to me....I get insatiable and bored. However, I treat her well and love my children. We have talked about divorce but never w/ any seriousness. It was almost a "what if" discussion. She has confessed to me that she was "not in love" w/ me. This was crushing....but w/ therapy I learned its natural and tried to deal w/ it. She has alway said she has no problems w/ me, but its more the feeling of her thinking that I am always dissapointed from her. I often tried to emphasize my love to her, letting her know that she is my world and my priority. She has never been a high maintenance woman, but I feel she has been getting too comfortable w/ our life style and at times taking it for granted. 

**I know I am all over the place right now but I am getting into this!

So...I've always had some trust issues. Nothing major but definitely have them. I always thought it was fine line between trusting and being naive. Because I have cheated, and because I know so many people that cheat, I have alway tried to protect myself from experiencing that. My issues have been more of an inconvenience to the marriage...but I had asked for my wifes help in helping me overcome this issue. I feel like she never did this.

ok...so now the beef: so a couple months ago, I ran a local race. When I finished, my wife told me how she thought she saw an old college friend running the race. I really didnt pay any mind to the comment nor did she continue on w/ it. Couple weeks later, I come home from work early and she is out w/ the kids. Her email and Google + is up on the computer. I take it upon myself to snoop (I know I shouldnt have but I did). I didnt hack into it...she left it open. I see that she is communicating w/ this guy she saw at the race. She looked him up, and reached out to him....just basic "hi how have u been" convo. Nothing too inappropriate. She mentions how she thought she saw him.......he asks if she ran the race. Her response was "no..i live in the neighborhood though"....no mention of her husband ran it. Now this guy can obviously see her last name is different and there was a pic of me on this google+ site. By the way, I subscribe to no social networks, as I thought they would always lead to trouble. I knew she joined Google + and I didnt care because the info was all public. I noticed shortly after she joined that it was private. When I asked why, she said she didnt want the public seeing pics of the children. I was suspicious but never pushed the issue. 
ok..so back to the race....she doesnt mention I ran the race. After a couple paragraphs of catch up, she mentions how shes going out to dinner w/ friends in the neighborhood he lives in....and shes says to him to come out for drinks. At this point I am beyond furious. He declines the invite and they leave it at..."maybe another time" 

As far as I know, nothing ever happened. She said she never had any ill intent but admitted (at counseling) that it was inappropriate for a married woman to do that...especially w/ out me knowing. This came extremely close to ending our marriage. I think about this every day.... I would have never thought my wife would do that to me. Things have been ok since...but we have been living apart for the summer. She stayed at our beach house w/ children and I saw them every weekend (and spoke daily). Things have been ok, but its always on my mind what she did. She never really acknowledged how big of a deal this was....and maybe she genuinly think its not.....and maybe shes right. But to me, its huge and is impacting my already existing trust issues. A couple weeks after this all went down, I noticed she googled this kids facebook page. This caused another blow up. 

When this all happened....I had asked her if her friends knew about this. She mentioned that one of her friends did. I was dissapointed that one her friends would not advise her this was a bad idea. That friend that knew and thought nothing of it, she went out w/ last night while down the beach. She had called me telling me how this was a possiblity....and I said this resurfaces the whole issue and I'd rather not deal w/ it. She understood. I get a text later saying how she just going over her house to hang out a bit.....
I was upset because I felt she totally disregarded my feelings. I am aware of my issues....I work on them daily. But I dont want to blame myself if there is a valid problem here. I honestly feel like if I didnt have children, this marriage would have been over long ago. I do love my wife, and my children more. I am not miserable in my life, but I dont want to constantly live in the current scenario. My children deserve happy parents....and I am trying for that. Divorce is devastating to kids........and it would be for me too. 

Am I nuts? Does this warrant divorce? sorry for my rant.....I am in a little bit of desperation mode (for this hour).


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think your insecurities are leading to your being more controlling. It's probably a natural progression given the events, but it may be going too far.

She admitted it was inappropriate. Only you can determine whether or not she was sincere. When you voiced objections about her going out with friends, she just ended up going to a friend's house. You can't expect her to become a hermit because of your insecurities.

You should, however, ask for complete openness and continue with marriage counseling.

Does it warrant divorce? I don't think so. Does your controlling attitude warrant her divorcing you? No.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> I think your insecurities are leading to your being more controlling. It's probably a natural progression given the events, but it may be going too far.
> 
> She admitted it was inappropriate. Only you can determine whether or not she was sincere. When you voiced objections about her going out with friends, she just ended up going to a friend's house. You can't expect her to become a hermit because of your insecurities.
> 
> ...


Its not controlling, its called having boundaries. Don't criticize him for wanting his wife near after it seems shes doing everything she can to get in contact with this guy and doesn't seem to give a crap.

Does it warrant a divorce? No, you should get into counseling or put your foot down and give her a wake up call. Tell her everything your feeling about her friend, her attitude, and her insincerity, and let her know that you can't live with someone who can't be assed to care about your feelings.

Then you'll be getting somewhere.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Kasler said:


> Its not controlling, its called having boundaries. Don't criticize him for wanting his wife near after it seems shes doing everything she can to get in contact with this guy and doesn't seem to give a crap.
> 
> Does it warrant a divorce? No, you should get into counseling or put your foot down and give her a wake up call. Tell her everything your feeling about her friend, her attitude, and her insincerity, and let her know that you can't live with someone who can't be assed to care about your feelings.
> 
> Then you'll be getting somewhere.


"Boundaries" is saying tht he'd prefer she not go out to a bar with friends. "Controlling" is saying she can't go out to a friend's house. What's next? She can't leave the house at all without his permission?

I realize it's a fine line, but when he's asking whether it's divorce material I think he's going a bit extreme.


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## almondbutter (Aug 31, 2012)

i never said she cant go out w/ friends.....she is her own person and makes her own decisions....goes out w/ friends often. I said that if she hangs out that one particular friend (that was involved in the original issue)...its bound to cause another issue.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Does this incident warrant divorce? Not IMO. Let's not kill an ant with a hammer.

Now if this is ONE thing on top of a pile of 1000 other things, then we'd have a different conversation. You can be upset about what happened, but she said she understood how you felt and she's going to act accordingly. What else to you want her to do?


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## almondbutter (Aug 31, 2012)

well i thought her hanging out w/ her last night was a poor choice. what else do i want her to do? not sure....i think at this point its more what can i do....if this feeling doesnt reside....i know i dont want to be in marriage w/ these feelings. at the same time, i dont want to walk away from my family. its always easier to walk away from a problem...i just dont know how to fix this one. I almost feel like "trust" is tarnished here...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

almondbutter said:


> well i thought her hanging out w/ her last night was a poor choice. what else do i want her to do? not sure....i think at this point its more what can i do....if this feeling doesnt reside....i know i dont want to be in marriage w/ these feelings. at the same time, i dont want to walk away from my family. its always easier to walk away from a problem...i just dont know how to fix this one. I almost feel like "trust" is tarnished here...


Well all you can do at this point it talk about it with her. If you say she understands then you need to take her for her word unless she does something that contradicts that. You don't want her around this guy... got it. Not hanging out with her friend too? IMO you're asking for too much and need to let that go.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

People just don't fall out of love. Either she was never really in love with you from the beginning and she saw you as a great provider or something caused her to lose feeling for you. If she did fall out of love with you, there are a number of issues that can cause this. Infidelity is one for sure, but it could also be that you neglected her in some way, verbally abusive, or whatever it might be. You need to figure out what the smoking gun is, and there always is one somewhere.


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## almondbutter (Aug 31, 2012)

i think its completely natural to fall in and out of love......it goes in cycles. are u in love now as much as the day u first met? perhaps u r.....but i think things heat up and cool off. its just very difficult to hear it. at least this what i am telling myself and what i have been told. i am trying to take comfort in that but as mentioned prevoiusly, i dont want to make excuses for her. ya see....i feel like i will always encounter issues when someone else comes into your (my) life. sometimes i almost wish i was alone.....but the fact is now i have kids and have to do what i can to hold it together.....until its just not working.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I guess I haven't hit my cycle yet. Been married 10 years and I'm more in love with my husband than when we first got together.

Something else is going on here. It's the lava flowing under the surface.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Did u guys see he said he's "insatiable and bored"? Would rather be alone than married? Would have left if not for the kids? 

There are probably reasons the w is seeking some comfort, assurance, affirmation. 

I'm not saying that's an excuse to reach out to other men, but if u want to keep ur marriage, look deep into it beyond trust and appropriateness. Some day ur wife might end up talking to the wrong guy or even cheat, but it would not simply be "I should have divorced". Rather, I think it's that attitude that creates the self-fulfilling prophecy.


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## almondbutter (Aug 31, 2012)

i fear your answer. if its true....regardless if something IS going on or not....my marriage is over.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Did u guys see he said he's "insatiable and bored"? Would rather be alone than married? Would have left if not for the kids?


Oh I saw it alright. I was waiting for more posts before addressing this. I'm sure his wife has picked up on this loud and clear.


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## almondbutter (Aug 31, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I guess I haven't hit my cycle yet. Been married 10 years and I'm more in love with my husband than when we first got together.
> 
> Something else is going on here. It's the lava flowing under the surface.


i fear your answer. if its true....regardless if something IS going on or not....my marriage is over.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If you feel that your marriage is over, then this incident with the friend and the I've fallen out of love coincide with other events that you have either dismissed or ignored in your wife. Typically this comment and behavior doesn't come out of nowhere. 

There's a build up... some resentments that have not been laid to rest. On both sides.


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## almondbutter (Aug 31, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> Did u guys see he said he's "insatiable and bored"? Would rather be alone than married? Would have left if not for the kids?
> 
> There are probably reasons the w is seeking some comfort, assurance, affirmation.
> 
> I'm not saying that's an excuse to reach out to other men, but if u want to keep ur marriage, look deep into it beyond trust and appropriateness. Some day ur wife might end up talking to the wrong guy or even cheat, but it would not simply be "I should have divorced". Rather, I think it's that attitude that creates the self-fulfilling prophecy.


let me clarify. in my quest for simlicity..i tend to compliate things. i am a homebody that loves nothing more than to spend time w/ my wife and children. My instatiability is more w/ material things...homes, cars, etc. i do not feel i have ever neglected my family...not even a tiny bit.


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## That Guy Kyle (Aug 30, 2012)

I'm in the middle of my second year of dealing with a very similar situation. One thing to be aware of is that it is very difficult for the W who behaves this way to even understand her own behavior, let alone be able to explain it to you. So even though its hard to know what caused this or how to prevent it, I think an overall attempt to work on improving your marriage is necessary. This doesn't mean anything is your fault or that you're being "controlling" (I'm still dealing with that sort of accusation myself), but it does mean you have to be front and center in making things better, if only to get to a place where she can take full responsibility. 

I keep marveling at how many stories so similar to mine make it on this site. WW seem to follow a script of some kind.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

almondbutter said:


> let me clarify. in my quest for simlicity..i tend to compliate things. i am a homebody that loves nothing more than to spend time w/ my wife and children. My instatiability is more w/ material things...homes, cars, etc. i do not feel i have ever neglected my family...not even a tiny bit.


Why are you two in counseling?

Have you ever asked your wife how she views you as a husband, like on a scale of 1 to 10, or if there was anything that she could see in you that needs improvement?

Our view of ourselves is always bigger than the view that others have of us, especially in marriages. We all love to think we're being the best husbands and wives to our spouses but we honestly never ask THEM what they think.


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## almondbutter (Aug 31, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Why are you two in counseling?
> 
> Have you ever asked your wife how she views you as a husband, like on a scale of 1 to 10, or if there was anything that she could see in you that needs improvement?
> 
> Our view of ourselves is always bigger than the view that others have of us, especially in marriages. We all love to think we're being the best husbands and wives to our spouses but we honestly never ask THEM what they think.


We stopped going to couseling a little while ago. It seemes to just cause some arguments and have a 3rd party judge them. I also think we had a young couselor that wasnt married w/ kids. We havent gone back or seeked a new one. But to answer you..yes...this question was asked both in private and by the counselor. My wife really didnt have much to say negatively....thought i was a good father, and good husband to her. I would not hesitate to tell faults of mine...which i did in the op. i think my wifes problem originally was the constant feeling of dissapoint she thought she gave me. 

Of course i attribute this to her trying to reach out to someone...whether it was attention or venting.

we addressed what we wanted from each other...and things have been ok for the past couple months (for the most part). however as i said....i only have been seeing them on weekends during the summer. i have not asked her if she is still "not in love" w/ me. perhaps that is a conversation that is due?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Spending this summer apart in your case is an actual separation it seems. Hard to work on the marriage during this time. Yes it is a different context certainly. But how much of a separate life are you two leading? If she has fallen out of love with you the separation only encourages this trend.

Wow, what awesome life to be able to spend the the summer at the summer house with the kids. Sure it is work for her but she has a husband who supports her very well it seems. Good times.

BTW, I always do a face palm when folks indicate they snooped and should not have ... good grief. In your case you found something. makes one wonder the times one did not look. How incredible that the one time you snooped you found something. Yeah she should have mentioned you about the race. She lied by omission to him really. She had to go out of her way not to tell him about you actually. She was definitely fishing. This would concern me.

IF she actually went out on a date with him I would have considered this cheating. So she was close. 

I do believe we can love someone continuosly but fall in and out of love with them over time. Different brain chemicals involved.

So counseling is fine. I suggest His Needs Her Needs for the two of you. Do not skip the boundary setting. You need to be dating your wife. You can not do that by being separated. You must spend quality time together every week. Some say 15 hours a week.

I also suggest you two practice full transparency. So that you do not feel you are snooping. That you share ALL accounts. That mean you need to be able to login to he FB account as well.

Do not ask her if she is still not in love with you. You will know. This will take some time but work on your self. Become the man she should be in love with and if she does stray you will be all that more ahead of the game.

Read the book from www.marriedmansexlife.com. This is not about sex but essentially a guide for the married man to improve ones marriage. Some men use it to improve their sex lives but all this is intertwined. What you want is for your wife to be in love with you. We all want that of our wives. I call that ... marriage.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I would ask her if she still felt the same way and why if she does. I've always felt that the reaching out is a symptom, not the source of a problem. Whatever it is needs to be discussed openly and honestly. She sounds like she's holding something back. Telling you she thinks you're disappointed in her is quite vague. How so? In what ways and circumstances does she feel this way with you? What interchanges have you had with her that would cause those negative feelings in her?


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## almondbutter (Aug 31, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Spending this summer apart in your case is an actual separation it seems. Hard to work on the marriage during this time. Yes it is a different context certainly. But how much of a separate life are you two leading? If she has fallen out of love with you the separation only encourages this trend.
> 
> Wow, what awesome life to be able to spend the the summer at the summer house with the kids. Sure it is work for her but she has a husband who supports her very well it seems. Good times.
> 
> ...


sound advice...thank you. we have addressed transparancy and neither of us have any fb or social network accts. we do not share passwords or email accounts...that did come up in discussion. i was open to it, she was reluctant because she said her friends say personal things to her in emails. she did finally say she would, but at that point i said nevermind. i honestly dont know when she would have the time to cheat on me or have an affair...at least physcially. but there is much more to it than that.......even if she (or i for that matter) had that desire...it would problematic for sure. transparancy has never been an issue for me, but she definitely has a habit of lying by ommission. i almost feel like i have to ask the same question 10 times and ill get 10 diff. answers. its really ashame that things are at this point.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

almondbutter said:


> i fear your answer. if its true....regardless if something IS going on or not....my marriage is over.


Why is your marriage over if nothing is going on?

I'm glad you snooped. You may have stopped an EA which is something this board strongly advocates.

I can only suggest marriage counseling.


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## almondbutter (Aug 31, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I would ask her if she still felt the same way and why if she does. I've always felt that the reaching out is a symptom, not the source of a problem. Whatever it is needs to be discussed openly and honestly. She sounds like she's holding something back. Telling you she thinks you're disappointed in her is quite vague. How so? In what ways and circumstances does she feel this way with you? What interchanges have you had with her that would cause those negative feelings in her?


im really not sure. my therapist/counselor said i have high standards and expectations i place on everyone....and if they dont meet them, i am constantly dissapointed. she also thought i was depressed...which i honestly thought was BS. She was seeing me about my marriage problems...i was not there to discuss a happy moment in my life. I am a child of a military father, and the counselor said this is one of the reasons my expectations/standards are high (since they were placed on me). I can understand her diagnosis, but i also think there is a bit of too much liberalism involved for accepting everyone as they are. We can make choices of who we want in our lives, and people that have "low" standards for anything.....dont jive well w/ me. That being said, I dont think my wife has low standards....I dont know...I just feel like shes a bit selfish at times and if I call her out on it...Im the bad guy. Ive learned to choose my battles and not be overwhelming w/ what I confront her on. Shes a good woman and a good mother, but we have different ethics on what is right. this doesnt solve the matter at hand though...at least i think it doesnt.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> ...I just feel like shes a bit selfish at times and if I call her out on it...Im the bad guy. Ive learned to choose my battles and not be overwhelming w/ what I confront her on.


She may take you as being nitpicky.

Just a thought.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

What areas do you feel you have compromised in for the sake of the marriage?

You define yourself as a homebody and a good provider. Is that the sort of marriage your wife wants, or have you made her a bird in a gilded cage.

I'm seeing a flat marriage, not seeing where the real effort to work in it is occurring. Some people are lucky enough that the work happens naturally, others of us need to make conscious decisions about how to improve things.

What are the areas in the marriage where your way of doing things is just flat wrong when measured against her needs, and what are you doing about them? If you can't identify any yet you feel your marriage is in trouble, you have some work to do.


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## almondbutter (Aug 31, 2012)

Wazza said:


> What areas do you feel you have compromised in for the sake of the marriage?
> 
> You define yourself as a homebody and a good provider. Is that the sort of marriage your wife wants, or have you made her a bird in a gilded cage.
> 
> ...


I dont feel I've compromised much. Ive always looked fwd to being married and having children. I was never really a wild child...even in my younger years. My wife knew exactly how I was and chose to marry me. I have not changed or turned into something that I did not used to be. Having two small childrens definitely stresses the marriage and our personal relationships, but the rewards for each of us are invaluable. 

All I ask for in a marriage is honesty. We have a somewhat healthy sex life (maybe), we hang out, talk, are friends....but honesty is the issue that got us here.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

almondbutter said:


> sound advice...thank you. we have addressed transparancy and neither of us have any fb or social network accts. we do not share passwords or email accounts...that did come up in discussion. i was open to it, she was reluctant because she said her friends say personal things to her in emails. she did finally say she would, but at that point i said nevermind. i honestly dont know when she would have the time to cheat on me or have an affair...at least physcially. but there is much more to it than that.......even if she (or i for that matter) had that desire...it would problematic for sure. transparancy has never been an issue for me, but she definitely has a habit of lying by ommission. * i almost feel like i have to ask the same question 10 times and ill get 10 diff. answers. * its really ashame that things are at this point.


I suggest you change your mind on the account passwords. No point in asking for them and then saying nevermind. It does not mean you are going to poking around in there anyway. It sets the tone though for openess.

Lying by omission is still lying. Time to cheat? Gee whiz she was not living with you. I am not saying she is in a PA. Trust me folks fins plenty of time for EAs.

But again this is about the tone of the marriage. The intimacy. The partnership.

Some folks have trouble telling the truth art all. I do not know why. Does she do this to everyone or just you? Also this could be a symptom of her wanting to put you off and / or just tell you what she thinks you want to hear. Not good anyway you look at it.

But you need to find a way to bond with her. It seems this is not just a lack of dopamine but oxytocin as well. This is a shame because you seem to be meeting her needs financially. I know that is the not the total answer. Hence doing His Needs Her Needs. Find out what her needs really are.

Continue to trust but verify and work on gaining a connection with your wife.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I would ask her if she still felt the same way and why if she does. I've always felt that the reaching out is a symptom, not the source of a problem. Whatever it is needs to be discussed openly and honestly. *She sounds like she's holding something back.* Telling you she thinks you're disappointed in her is quite vague. How so? In what ways and circumstances does she feel this way with you? What interchanges have you had with her that would cause those negative feelings in her?


From this perspective I agree. This is the type of thing I imagine when a couple does HNHN for example. Not saying it should wait for that.

I would modify my take on this to say that he needs to be open minded with this. And that he should not harp on her about it. He should not be saying ... are we there yet ... are we there yet. But indeed good point there absolutely needs to be hinest communication.

This would go a long way perhaps towards dealing with her lying by ommision. Practicing honest communication is essential.

Holding something back indeed. Yes.

So I agree.


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## almondbutter (Aug 31, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Time to cheat? Gee whiz she was not living with you. I am not saying she is in a PA. Trust me folks fins plenty of time for EAs.
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> The children are with her though....but anything is possible. I thought about asking for passwords but to be honest....I dont want to live like that. I hate that its at this point. I dont want to have to check up on here...I'd rather just FEEL the trust. I will never be able to control what she does. I dont want to live in fear of her doing something harmful. If she does, I am trusting the universe to let me know this and then I will deal w/ it. I know....contrary to what I just said I still snooped in her email and caught her.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

almondbutter said:


> im really not sure. my therapist/counselor said i have high standards and expectations i place on everyone....and if they dont meet them, i am constantly dissapointed. she also thought i was depressed...which i honestly thought was BS. She was seeing me about my marriage problems...i was not there to discuss a happy moment in my life. I am a child of a military father, and the counselor said this is one of the reasons my expectations/standards are high (since they were placed on me). I can understand her diagnosis, but i also think there is a bit of too much liberalism involved for accepting everyone as they are. We can make choices of who we want in our lives, and people that have "low" standards for anything.....dont jive well w/ me. That being said, I dont think my wife has low standards....I dont know...I just feel like shes a bit selfish at times and if I call her out on it...Im the bad guy. Ive learned to choose my battles and not be overwhelming w/ what I confront her on. Shes a good woman and a good mother, but we have different ethics on what is right. this doesnt solve the matter at hand though...at least i think it doesnt.


Wow. Nothing wrong with high standards. I suppose there can be an obsessiveness about it. But I am guessing yeah this was more the counselor trying to find a middle ground. The counselor may actualy see something you have not as yet and she may have been preparing you. 

Did this counselor ever confide separately with your wife? Meaning is it possible the counselor knows a secret?


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## almondbutter (Aug 31, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Wow. Nothing wrong with high standards. I suppose there can be an obsessiveness about it. But I am guessing yeah this was more the counselor trying to find a middle ground. The counselor may actualy see something you have not as yet and she may have been preparing you.
> 
> Did this counselor ever confide separately with your wife? Meaning is it possible the counselor knows a secret?


yes...she saw us together and separately. does she know a secret? not that Im aware of...but again its possible.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

almondbutter said:


> Entropy3000 said:
> 
> 
> > Time to cheat? Gee whiz she was not living with you. I am not saying she is in a PA. Trust me folks fins plenty of time for EAs.
> ...


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

If I could interject, as Entropy points out the emotional needs each of us have. It is obvious that she has stated the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and she sought out a way to fill them by contacting him. Can it be she is not be getting them from you? I would read "His Needs, Her Needs" to at least confirm to myself that I have fulfilled them, and it was not my lack of attentions that led her to this point. 

I would look deeper in to her contacts and be on guard with him or anyone else during this period, while she is vulnerable to others giving her what's she is missing. At least until you're satisfied there is nothing on your part that caused this "falling out of love'.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I read you summer weekends with her. May I suggest you take a copy along with you. It is an easy read. It's available on kindle.

Amazon.com: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage: Willard F. Jr. Harley: Books


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

almondbutter said:


> I dont feel I've compromised much. Ive always looked fwd to being married and having children. I was never really a wild child...even in my younger years. My wife knew exactly how I was and chose to marry me. I have not changed or turned into something that I did not used to be. Having two small childrens definitely stresses the marriage and our personal relationships, but the rewards for each of us are invaluable.
> 
> All I ask for in a marriage is honesty. We have a somewhat healthy sex life (maybe), we hang out, talk, are friends....but honesty is the issue that got us here.


It just seems maybe you want everything on your terms, and sometimes you have to compromise and do things on your spouse's terms.

You say you haven't changed much, but you've married and had children, that's a big change. Career changes? Changes in tastes as you prospered financially? Heck, changes as you each mature as people and learn more about yourselves.

My wife and I agree that as we had children, grew in our careers, etc, we put less time into our marriage and one of the areas where it suffered was intimate and honest conversation.

Your wife is another human being with her own hopes, emotions, dreams and fears. For me, realising that about my own wife and seeking to do things on her terms led to some of the best times in our marriage. I got paid back one million fold.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

almondbutter said:


> im really not sure. my therapist/counselor said i have high standards and expectations i place on everyone....and if they dont meet them, i am constantly dissapointed. she also thought i was depressed...which i honestly thought was BS. She was seeing me about my marriage problems...i was not there to discuss a happy moment in my life. I am a child of a military father, and the counselor said this is one of the reasons my expectations/standards are high (since they were placed on me). I can understand her diagnosis, but i also think there is a bit of too much liberalism involved for accepting everyone as they are. We can make choices of who we want in our lives, and people that have "low" standards for anything.....dont jive well w/ me. That being said, I dont think my wife has low standards....I dont know...I just feel like shes a bit selfish at times and if I call her out on it...Im the bad guy. Ive learned to choose my battles and not be overwhelming w/ what I confront her on. Shes a good woman and a good mother, but we have different ethics on what is right. this doesnt solve the matter at hand though...at least i think it doesnt.


Firstly I can only say I feel for what you're going through and hope for the best. 

Secondly, do you want someone on this forum to validate perhaps your wish to divorce your wife and maybe you don't have the balls for it? Do you need someone to push you? It probably might happen but I think you ought to not give up on counselling yet. If your MC is not working for you - change to a different one. My wife and I have been through 4. The first one just let us fight so we did. The second focused on one of us more than the other and the third...I can't remembered. The fourth is great  So find one that works for your situation.

Thirdly, and for your information, what you call high standards is another person's constant crushing verdict of how pathetic they are. Your unwavering conviction that those who do not live up to your standards are some sort of sub species of the sloth family might be doing more harm to your wife than you'd imagine. This is a major reason why my wife and I are separating. Very little is good enough. Criticism after criticism judgment after judgment. It is unrelenting. So while it might make you feel great that you are the one having to take the high road of high standards, remember that someone is always on the receiving end of it. 

Please accept my apologies if I seem somewhat harsh...you just sounded so much like my wife (sorry) and somewhat without cognition of how your high octane ways could make others feel steamrolled. I wish you all the best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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