# Hi I need help with something



## Twaters18

I’m newly married and wonder if I am overreacting. My husband has yet to tell his ex wife of ten years and mother of his children that he has remarried. He says it’s because he dreads how it will affect the children because all they have ever known is him and their mother together but I can’t help but feel like a dirty little secret. Please help


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## 3Xnocharm

So he is lying to both her AND his children?? How long have they been divorced? He isn't telling her because he still has feelings for her and wants to keep her around as his backup plan. He is feeding you a line of crap. Why did you willingly marry such a coward?? 

Tell her or tell the kids yourself. Screw being a secret. I would consider annulling your marriage, because clearly he has not let go of his old life yet, and that ex wife will be a thorn in your side for the rest of your marriage.


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## Mr.Married

What a huge line of giant BS !!!!!!!!!!! I puke at the thought !!!!!!


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## Mr.Married

Because he really isn't divorced...........????


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

And he should have introduced you to the XW and the children before marriage. That's the normal and adult expected action.

Unless something is fishy?


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## Violet28

How long has he been divorced?


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## UpsideDownWorld11

So Im guessing he has zero relationship with his ex and his children. I mean if he did they would have come by and wondered whos the lady in the other room with a ring on her finger? If that is the situation, then I doubt they care. 

Or is he actively hiding it from the kids, like he introduces you as his live in girlfriend?


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## Affaircare

Twaters18 said:


> I’m *newly married* and wonder if I am overreacting. My husband has yet to tell his *ex wife of ten years and mother of his children* that he has remarried. He says it’s because he dreads how it will affect the children because all they have ever known is him and their mother together but I can’t help but feel like a dirty little secret. Please help


Well...before I jump on a bandwagon here, may I ask a few questions:

You mention you are newly married (bolded above). How long have you known each other? How long were you dating? How long have you been married? I ask because if you just met this year, got married in a whirlwind romance, and have only been married a week...that's a slightly different story than if you have dated for five years, engaged for another year, and you've been married a year. 

Next you say she's an ex wife of ten years etc. but do you mean they have been divorced for ten years...or that they were married for ten years and then divorced? Again, it would make a difference as to what's going on and why depending on your answer. 

Finally, how old are his children? You mention ten years, so I have to guess they are near that age (10yo) or possibly more...and depending on their age, it makes a difference in how I'd respond. 

Let me give you two VERY different options:

1) They were married 10 years and have been divorced one year, the kids are 10yo and 8yo living on the other side of town, you two met and married within the one year, and you've been married a week. 

2) They DIVORCED 10 years ago, the kids are 22yo and 20yo living in other parts of the country, you two dated for two years and have been married two years, and he's hiding you from everyone. 

See how different those scenarios are? In the first option, I wouldn't freak because he's trying to figure out how to tell everyone and maybe (at worst) is a little afraid. 

But in the second option, he's been actively hiding you for a while, and yet you chose to marry him knowing he hadn't introduced you to his adult children. He'd have no reason to tell the exW--she's an EX and no longer part of his life--yet the adult kids likely would still be part of his life...so why is he hiding you and why would you marry someone who wasn't proud to be with you?

So ... depending on how you answer, I'll let you know my thoughts, okay?


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## SunCMars

I agree with @Affaircare.
We need more data.

It could also be that he is conflict avoidant.
It could be he is a classic nice guy, a KISA, a 'Scardy Cat'.

And maybe an antsy procrastinator.
The fire kind of antsy.

Those that light your pants on fire.

Huh, what?


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## 3Xnocharm

He is out of line regardless of which situation it is. You don't keep your new wife a secret. He is being conflict avoidant and that does not bode well for their future together if this is how he is.


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## Emerging Buddhist

Fear is the powerful persuader of avoidance... while it may not make the situation healthy, it is understandable he may feel this way and it is not cowardly to be afraid, yet if it stops him from doing the things in his life that hold him honorable then it can become a pattern of fear for many other things.

So, he must have visitation allowed by the court, how is he scheduling that in with your marriage? I trust you have met the children?

A younger family may not/will not be able to fully understand why the family is apart... who asked for the divorce and was it a mutual decision?

If it wasn't mutual, you may find more reasons for a source of fear.

Accountability is a gift that clarifies the decisions we make, not a chance application that fits only when stumbled upon without fear.

Every action has a reaction, let him know that his current actions are not only hurting his children but you too (trust).

You all trust him to stand tall in his decisions, especially the hard ones.


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