# How my Sex Addict Husband has slowly killed me



## totallyunexpected

From Cheater to Sex Addict​
I've always posted in the coping with infidelity section of TAM. My husband lied repeatedly to me, visited strip clubs, frequented backpages, and called an escort or two(will never know if they actually met). He planned on going out with a random girl, and he had the number of a stripper in his phone.

He was a selfish cheater who trickle-truthed me and acted in classic cheater-fashion. In the seven months following my discovery of escort/stripper phone calls, I've been drained of life, fulfillment, and feelings of self-worth. I've transformed into a jealous person who hates herself. 

Now, the most recent fallout has led to a shift of paradigm for me. I had a couple more ddays but this one was his last chance. In my mind, more "cheating" and I was done, ready to file for D. Two and a half months had passed since the latest dday (mid March) and it seemed that he was a reformed man. He was treating me so selflessly. I was the one who was cold and unwilling to open my heart after having had it stabbed so many times. Any hope I had was clouded by my own issue - a dark cloud of emotional numbness. But he was doing his part and more.

That is until I come home and find him tilting the screen on his phone away defensively when I enter the room - a week ago. I knew he had to be doing something "bad". I tried to get his phone since he would not willingly give it to me. To no avail until I started acting crazy and finally he realized I wouldn't give up. 

I ended up finding that he was once more searching for escorts on the backpages. I cried so hard. Not because I imagined him wanting to F other women, but because I had no longer any reason to believe he would change. His willpower would never be enough. No matter how much he promised he would change.

I told him I couldn't take anymore and that I was done. He asked me if I was sure. Eventually, I login to TAM to rant about my miserable life, but I hear that he locks the bathroom door (not normal) and is taking a while. I start banging on the door for him to open. I knew he was trying to either hurt himself or feign doing so. I said I was going to call 911 if he didn't open the door. Finally he opens the door after much silence and me banging on the door. His face is purple from the dog leash that is wrapped tightly around his neck. 

I called 911. Whether he intended to end his life or just to scare me into staying with him, he needed help and to know how serious what he was doing was. Emergency psychology responders arrived immediately. He was taken to the hospital and transferred to a psych ward where he spent three nights and four days. 

In this same time period, I have started to see my husband less as a cheater and more as a sex addict, though I realize one can be both. The point is that I now see he has lost all control. His willpower will not suffice. He needs serious help. We had talked about counseling but not followed through.

This time we are serious. He is serious. He insists that he needs counseling. And the psych ward put him on certain meds. We have selected psychiatrists for him, but will schedule tomorrow Monday. It is a three hour drive to reach psychiatrists who speak his native language but we know it is necessary.

I'm not entirely optimistic or hopeful. But I care deeply about my husband and love him notwithstanding the pain he has caused me. Unfortunately, I am no longer a healthy person who can help him. I resent him in so many ways, and I am depressed all the time now. I am seeing a psychologist, though I stopped going a while back before this latest episode.

I don't know what the chances are for recovery. He really wants to change. The doctor at the psych ward spoke with me and said he is trying very hard to change and just needs support from me.

I'm so weak. In either case, I know I need to help him get better for himself. If in the process he becomes a man I can stay married to then I will be extremely grateful. However, I'm scared of believing in anything or anyone anymore. I don't trust "hope" or promises. I wish I were stronger to help my husband. I know he is trying and he is sick and again he is sooo sorry and trying to make it up to me and to heal himself.

Those of you who have successfully helped your addicted spouses recover, how did you manage to be strong while helping your spouse? I hate my life so much and I still just want to run from it all even though such an attitude will not help him or our marriage. Not feeling very strong. Could use a little support from others.


----------



## LindzMcKinnon

Oh dear me I feel so much for you. What is it with women they we feel we have to stand by our cheating lying partners? Do you honestly think he would do the same for you if you had acted the same way? Of course he wouldn't.

I was with a porn addict and went through all the same anxieties and ended up turning into a green eyed self-hating monster. HIS addiction is, as you so rightly put it 'killing you'. Get out, move on. If he gets help and gets clean, then you can consider allowing him back into your lift, otherwise, 'don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out'

I ended up being treated for symptoms of PTSD thanks to HIS addiction, not mine, so how come I ended up being the one in therapy? Has he changed? No Has he lost everything since I left him and took away his emotional support system and his meal ticket? Yes, including his house. He's now living off and with his 80 year old mother. Has he changed? Has he learned? Still No.

I built a website don't reward bad behaviour com and wrote a book called You Want Me To Do WHAT With That?! both of which are for the partners of porn addicts who are largely ignored and largely told to be a good little Stepford Wife and stand by the man who is slowly killing you with little or no concern for you. 

Porn and sex addictions are getting to epidemic levels. 'helping' is enabling. Kick his ass into touch and get on with your life. If you want to contact me I will be happy to send you a copy of my book. Be warned! it's hard hitting, its humorous and it makes no bones about exactly WHOSE problem this is. It will give you a laugh and hopefully give you strength. Either way YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL WOMAN WITH SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE. YOU DESERVE TO HAVE THE SAME IN RETURN!


----------



## Mavash.

Change comes when you hit rock bottom and lose everything.

And even then it's not a guarantee.

Your best bet is to work on healing yourself.

Put your oxygen mask on first.


----------



## Hope1964

I did nothing except kick his ass out the door.

HE is responsible for his recovery. NOT me. I refuse to be sucked in. If he has to rely on me to keep him 'sober', then he isn't really recovered.

Once he proved to me that he was serious and could stay 'sober' on his own, I agreed to try R. But if he slips up again ever, he's GONE.

I am sorry, but the dr. telling you that you have to support him is just telling you that you have to be a codependant.


----------



## sparkyjim

Hope1964 said:


> HE is responsible for his recovery. NOT me. I refuse to be sucked in. If he has to rely on me to keep him 'sober', then he isn't really recovered.



You are right Hope...

And this is coming from someone who went through this as the addicted one.

He needs to do this for himself. He needs to be accountable for himself.

Whether the OP stays in the relationship is up to her, and as to how much she needs to know to rebuild her trust in him is also up to her.

He just might change but it is going to take about two years to really get there - if he works at it and if he is honest.

I am going to recommend The Brain Science Behind Addiction | Candeo Behavior Change

It is a behavior based site and the minimum commitment is 6 months. It's not free but it is also a place where the spouse can find help and it is free for her.

I wish you the best totallyunexpected...


----------



## eyuop

Why women endure men cheating on them is beyond me. Sex addict or no sex addict, this would be a deal-breaker for me.

I'm no sex addict. I've watched porn occasionally in the past (haven't for a while now), but no infidelity (17 years of marriage). But I could see how easy it would be to become a sex addict.

However, you need to leave and live a better life. Encourage him to get help and then move on. He is responsible for his own life, not you.


----------



## oddball

The doctor is a fool. The only one who can fix this is him. Step out of his way. This is his journey to travel. As others have said - look after YOU now.

If he changes, you will know.
I f he does not you will know.

Step back and watch. Then decide what you want to do


----------



## totallyunexpected

Thank you all for your responses! Here's my update:

We drove three hours to meet a psychiatrist who spoke his native language. It was quite helpful. Besides making a plan of action, we've decided that our marriage is on "probation" for 6 month. At that point I will reassess the situation to see whether he has made the necessary changes for a long-term healthy relationship. 

He has been trying to make all sorts of changes. He wants a phone that does NOT have internet access. So he's going over to a basic phone. We just got cable TV installed today so that he doesn't need to use the computer to watch videos on youtube (which easily lead to other things). These are of course, short-term crutches.

He actually just left the house about 40 minutes ago to attend his first Sex Addicts Anonymous 12 step meeting. He printed out the twelve steps in his language from Wikipedia to study before going to the meeting.

He's also planning on working towards improving his career objectives and spiritual sense of purpose. More on that later.

As for myself, these are my chief goals:

1. Help him become a healthier person to the extent that I can while also....
2. Protecting myself and guarding my own happiness.

All of this is contingent on transparent behavior and lots of hard work on his end. I will give it a full six months before reassessing so long as he does not LIE to me. Frankly, I'd prefer him slipping up (e.g. looking at the backpages and fantasizing) and telling me then learning that he lied to me about something. 

I will ONLY help him so long as he is a completely honest person with me. 

Thanks for your support everyone. I feel good about what I'm doing. He has new medication, psychiatry and counseling, 12 step meetings, and many strategies to combat his addiction - which frankly could be a lot worse. I know no matter if he succeeds or fails, I will have done as much as I could and will have no regrets with my choice in the long run. 

Although I am supporting him in this fight, I no longer open my heart the way that I recklessly once did. There's armor around it and I won't even try to make it go away until he proves himself to me.


----------



## EffedUpGuy

I was once your husband. Well I still am... but not 'as' bad as I was I guess. Before I go on, I've been married for 8 years, been together for 16 years, have a 2year old son, I'm heterosexual.

So I'm obviously not YOUR husband but I'm my wife's husband and I am EXACTLY what your husband is. But if he is anything like me... it is A LOT worse than you think/know. Actually it's MUCH worse, more than you can possibly imagine. Especially if he's cruising backpage. Let me say I did not choose/want this life, I know that's no excuse... but I feel like a victim. I have been dealing with this for about 10 years now. I and can say proudly... heh it's sad that this is me being proud... but in the year 2013 I've only "acted out" once. For the past 10 years it progressed from porn, to exhibitionism, escorts, casual encounters, with women, men, transsexuals, groups, sex clubs etc... so many I can't even tell you if I wanted to. I've met a lot of the "same" type as me and we're all pretty much alike. SO the FIRST question is... how is your health? I recently got tested for everything with fear that I have some ef'ed up STD.... but turns out I tested negative across the board. Luck I guess. I love my wife very much and each time I've been with a women, man, prostitute, transsexual, group, club, I can only think about her the entire time. It's like I'm being forced to do these things. 

My wife has no idea btw. I've tried hinting to her several times, because she found out I was seeing a sex addiction therapist. But she got mad at me for "lying" to her... well she's mad that I didn't tell her I was seeing a therapist (doesn't care what my problem is) So about a year ago... I was talking to my therapist and she said something that really STUCK. Maybe you can say this to your husband. She asked me... how long has this been going on? She said don't answer that right away... go home really think about it and write it all down on a timeline. So I did.. and as I was doing it I was getting sick to my stomach and started becoming very emotional. When I saw her again she looked at it and said... "You've had long run with this, more than you can handle, It's time for the next chapter in your life." For as simple as those words were... it stuck, and like I said before, I've only acted out once this year. BUT the past few days have been hard and I've attempted to act out but didn't follow through with anything yet. 

Sorry for my rant, you probably don't care or you bypassed this all together. I guess what I originally wanted to say is. It took a lot for me. YEARS ago I went to the 12 step group... which did nothing, been to several therapist, been on every SSRI's you can imagine... still on them, and now smoking weed everyday and taking hydrocodone. My wife hates me. But not because my sex addiction. But because I made her move to LA and I smoke weed. Even tho I have a medical recommendation. My marriage is in shambles. I hope your husband isn't as eff'ed up as me. But here's something to know about him that you don't know... or you might.. but my wife doesn't know and DOESN'T care to know. Is that a sex addiction is from an event or MANY events that happened to you during your childhood. So I PRAISE you for supporting your husband and accepting his problem as a "condition" This is something my wife would never do. So already I'm jealous of him that he has a wife like you. 

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I hope you are a much stronger person than my wife for your marriage sake.


----------



## totallyunexpected

EffedUpGuy said:


> I was once your husband. Well I still am... but not 'as' bad as I was I guess. Before I go on, I've been married for 8 years, been together for 16 years, have a 2year old son, I'm heterosexual.
> 
> So I'm obviously not YOUR husband but I'm my wife's husband and I am EXACTLY what your husband is. But if he is anything like me... it is A LOT worse than you think/know. Actually it's MUCH worse, more than you can possibly imagine. Especially if he's cruising backpage. Let me say I did not choose/want this life, I know that's no excuse... but I feel like a victim. I have been dealing with this for about 10 years now. I and can say proudly... heh it's sad that this is me being proud... but in the year 2013 I've only "acted out" once. For the past 10 years it progressed from porn, to exhibitionism, escorts, casual encounters, with women, men, transsexuals, groups, sex clubs etc... so many I can't even tell you if I wanted to. I've met a lot of the "same" type as me and we're all pretty much alike. SO the FIRST question is... how is your health? I recently got tested for everything with fear that I have some ef'ed up STD.... but turns out I tested negative across the board. Luck I guess. I love my wife very much and each time I've been with a women, man, prostitute, transsexual, group, club, I can only think about her the entire time. It's like I'm being forced to do these things.
> 
> My wife has no idea btw. I've tried hinting to her several times, because she found out I was seeing a sex addiction therapist. But she got mad at me for "lying" to her... well she's mad that I didn't tell her I was seeing a therapist (doesn't care what my problem is) So about a year ago... I was talking to my therapist and she said something that really STUCK. Maybe you can say this to your husband. She asked me... how long has this been going on? She said don't answer that right away... go home really think about it and write it all down on a timeline. So I did.. and as I was doing it I was getting sick to my stomach and started becoming very emotional. When I saw her again she looked at it and said... "You've had long run with this, more than you can handle, It's time for the next chapter in your life." For as simple as those words were... it stuck, and like I said before, I've only acted out once this year. BUT the past few days have been hard and I've attempted to act out but didn't follow through with anything yet.
> 
> Sorry for my rant, you probably don't care or you bypassed this all together. I guess what I originally wanted to say is. It took a lot for me. YEARS ago I went to the 12 step group... which did nothing, been to several therapist, been on every SSRI's you can imagine... still on them, and now smoking weed everyday and taking hydrocodone. My wife hates me. But not because my sex addiction. But because I made her move to LA and I smoke weed. Even tho I have a medical recommendation. My marriage is in shambles. I hope your husband isn't as eff'ed up as me. But here's something to know about him that you don't know... or you might.. but my wife doesn't know and DOESN'T care to know. Is that a sex addiction is from an event or MANY events that happened to you during your childhood. So I PRAISE you for supporting your husband and accepting his problem as a "condition" This is something my wife would never do. So already I'm jealous of him that he has a wife like you.
> 
> I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I hope you are a much stronger person than my wife for your marriage sake.


EUG,

Wow. I really enjoyed reading your post which was quite illuminating. Thank you!

I haven't been on TAM since my last post, but I'm happy to say my husband is trying and I'm slowly but surely accepting my lot. While I am "accepting" this reality and slowly becoming more realistic about future expectations, I'm also very depressed about it (obviously) and it is emotionally draining. I fear for my own health and happiness, as well as his.

EUG, can he get better? Do you believe you would be doing much better if your wife was supportive? It sounds like your wife carries a lot of resentment towards you - for reasons beyond this. Are you in marriage counseling? The strange thing about my husband and I is that despite this we really are connected and love one another. Though I once adored him, and now his faults shine and have tainted the image I once had of him.

I don't know if he can get better. I passionately hope so. Either way I want to help him get to a better place.

He's doing the 12 step meetings. If nothing else, it will help him connect to others (he doesn't have many friends here) and will help him see that he is not alone in this struggle.

We got cable, so that he didn't watch youtube video clips which inevitably led to sexual things and the urges to scan backpages and so on. That seems to be helping. He gave up the phone that has internet in favor of a more basic phone. 

He's also (falling the recommendation of the therapist he saw) trying to improve career possibilities. He's been in assembly work positions, which pay around $10/hr. Now he's considering other careers which require some, limited investment but that will allow him to feel he is accomplishing more in life. Some of the possibilities include being a truck driver (not sure this is healthy though he is excited about the possibility of earning >$40,000/year), going to community college for some sort of technical skills, and so on. Until now, he really has been coasting through life in terms of work. He hasn't had many goals to guide him and give him meaning.

He's open to joining a spiritual community - not religious one though. We are trying to find the appropriate venue to inject some spiritual meaning into his life.

I don't know. I'm rambling. But I really wanted to thank you for your post EUG. You may want to consider if your relationship with you wife is the best thing for both of you - based on what information you have shared. It's unlikely for your relationship to move forward if there isn't empathy and hard work on both ends. 

It's hard to understand what the hell is going on in my husband's brain. It does seems so "effed up" but then again there are a lot of "effed up" conditions in this world. He wasn't sexually abused or anything that bad as a child. Yet he did suffer from a controlling, emotionally abusive father as a child (though interestingly his father really changed years later). Additionally, while all his siblings had the chance to study, he only completed 9th grade due to financial problems and the inability to find housing in the town that had a school. His village only had elementary school. (He's from another country.) 

He also grew up in a very sexually-inhibited culture. As a result, I think sexuality became a more secretive sphere of life. He didn't actually view porn until he was 20 years old and working in a country with more relaxed rules. That is also where he had his first sexual experiences - with prostitutes a couple times. Still, it wasn't until having fast internet in the US, strip clubs advertised on billboards around town, and freedom here that he spun out of control.

I know he doesn't mean to hurt me. But my self-esteem has plummeted, and I don't know that I will ever be a healthy human being because of this experience. It made me distrustful of the world, hateful towards my own inadequacies, and insecure and paranoid. Worst of all, I felt I had no security. There are no guarantees, and the one who was supposed to protect me repeatedly stabbed me in the heart. I don't feel safe emotionally, and I really can't rely on any other human beings. I really feel that internally I have changed so much for the worse. And I'm not optimistic or hopeful anymore. It hurts to much to have hope and be slapped in the face. Instead I take it one day at a time, and focus on supporting him and trying to empathize and see the good in him. Also, it helps to just see this as part of experiencing life, being a sentient being rather than just a robot, and as having become someone who can live with a bitter reality. I never understood how people did it - resigned themselves to losing their innocence, not achieving their dreams, and being hurt by the space between their ideal and their real. Now I do.


----------



## totallyunexpected

mineforever said:


> My husband struggled with a 20+ year battle with porn that escalated into a sex addiction and exhibitionism..."Effedupguy" is correct there are even farther more perverse stages he will go to if he doesn't get help now. You can beat sex addiction...it isn't easy but it is achievable. My husband and I made it.....31st anniversary yesterday....it wasn't easy alot of tears and pain. A book that really helped my husband was "Every Man's Battle" by Stephen Arterburn.
> 
> On our last Dday these were the differences....he voluntarily set these rules for himself...
> 
> - we agreed this was his last chance he would walk away and set me free if he cheated on me again.
> - he gave up PC and all internet access
> - he gave up cell phone with internet access...has old phone with only family numbers in it.
> - gave up all pay per view cable
> - lets me know where he is all the time
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Mineforever,

Your post was very uplifting. It really is comforting to hear positive stories. I'm not ready to be hopeful yet. It's too risky emotionally.

How long has it been since he has been seriously "in recovery". It's amazing that you have stuck together so long and through all of this. Would you have stayed in this situation if you found out about it only a few years into your marriage and before having children? Just curious.

I'm happy for you and your husband's progress. If you don't mind, I'd love to read about your story from start to the present. Did you write a thread about it elsewhere? Thanks.


----------



## totallyunexpected

mineforever said:


> I am working on your response...you asked some hard questions I want to answer them thoroughly so I am taking my time in putting it together. ;-)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Still waiting!


----------

