# When will the hurt end???



## kevsand718 (Jun 3, 2010)

A few months ago i found out my wife was cheating. It was with someone she worked with and took place 1 day a week. Since confronting her she quit the job, cut off all communication with this person. She feels like crap about the whole thing, hurting me, etc. and promises it will never happen again. The reason for it all was because I was always busy and she felt alone. She couldn't come to me and tell me this. I was in the house all this time, just in another room. So instead she found someone that listened to her and talked to her. So as she puts it. He was there for me emotionally so I was there for him physically. 

Anyway we are trying to fix our marriage of this. We are in counseling and she is working on being a better communicator and I have given up all extra work I was doing. My main focus now her and the children. We have 4. We are both doing our part and I do feel we are becoming closer than we ever have. We kiss, hug, hold hands and are open to each other than we have ever been. 

However I am all over the place emotionally. Some days I'm happy and other days I'm thinking is she staying with me for the kids? will she miss the excitement / thrill of something new and want that again? Does she truly love me? this is all driving me nuts and everytime I dwell on this stuff it takes a toll on both of us and I feel we are back to square one. How do I get past all of this or when will these feelings be subdued so as not to affect me as much?


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## cantclearhead (May 1, 2010)

you will have many bad days but you will also have many good days..My wife of 40 years had an affair also..sex and all..believe me it will take a while like maybe a lifetime but if you want it to work it will..I have days when i say if she wants to end a marriage why shouldnt i give her her wish..Then I have days when i say we can make it work..It is now a proceess that maybe we should have had our whole life but didnt..We have come to the conclusion that my wife grew up in a family where no one cared about other peoples feeling and could never show love so that is how my wife is..she only cared about her feelings and what people said and did to her...If we can change that we will be ok.. you cant put a time on it just get personal help for you and see what changes you notice..good luck


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Having read some of your posts your wife seems to have invited you to try and turn her on. Just like you, I don't think the pron thing would hold much interest for me. Watching other people have sex doesn't seem like something that would help me bond to my wife. But the lotions, toys, fragrances interesting new techniques...all those could be fascinating for her. Has she seen her doctor? If she hasn't and she keeps stalling, I would think that her low libido is due to her mental state. She is still confused. Just because she said she was not having the big O with him doesn't mean she wasn't. They all LIE about the affair!!!
As to the pain, it should recede. Use distractions to help you out. Loud happy music. Sing. Dance around the house with your kids. Practice the attention and emotional things you have learned the past months with your children. They love you unconditionally. Listen to them. Hug them.
If you are feeling down, take a moment and visualize something you like. Standing by the ocean's shore and smelling the salt air. Feeling the breeze tickle your skin and the sun warm your face. The bad feelings will subside.


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## kevsand718 (Jun 3, 2010)

Iamnottheonlyone,
My wife is more open to trying things now. She has not gone to a doctor for a hormone test. She just came out and said to me that she does not have the desire for anything sexual for her. She agreed to trying new things to put her in the mood but these things bruise my Ego. Why can't I be the one to turn her on. Why do we need to bring Toys, lotions, etc into it? She said i am doing all the things to satisfy her needs now. Before she felt alone because i was always busy with work and since giving that up we spend more time together. She said she is very happy with the way things are going. For some reason I keep thinking she'll miss the excitment of something new again and she will stray again. That's a hard one clear my mind of.


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