# Does your Spouse know you post here?



## triton1984 (Nov 20, 2009)

I originally came to TAM as a guy concerned about reviving the spark in my marriage. I would have swore to anyone that I wasn't the type to cheat, yet 6-7 months after joining this site.. it was I that was in an affair. As with most affairs and secrets, my wife found out about the affair, I lied, hid that it continued...and she found out again, the 2nd time I really did end it. We have gone through marriage counseling and most days are doing very well. She has access to my cell phone records, email account, facebook account, and even knows that I post here and has the password to that as well. 

My question is. How many of your spouses know you post here? While I understand the need for transparency we had an arguement about this very site. It bothered her that I don't feel the same about posting, now that she knows every word I post. She feels that I should be able to say anything directly to her that I might ask advice for here. Yet I see posts from numerous ppl....including those that are the LS that I know they wouldn't want their spouse to read. So....is it OK to have an account on something like this without the spouse having access......or does the DS just loose that right by default? Of course I ask this for both our benefits. 

BTW her response when I mentioned not feeling as free to post here was that she just wouldn't come here anymore unless I wanted her to read something. That was not my wish, I believe there to be many benefits for her on this forum.


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

yes, but she is computer illiterate and I now know every key she pushes on line so its cool, I have let her read my origional post and the replies, it actualy helped her understand a lot more of what she thought was unique to me is really very normal and how bad she hurt me.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

My wife knows I post here but chooses not to read it and doesn't like that I am here. She feels that the posts are too negative and filled with hurt people that are just prolonging their healing by posting here.


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

Workingitout said:


> My wife knows I post here but chooses not to read it and doesn't like that I am here. She feels that the posts are too negative and filled with hurt people that are just prolonging their healing by posting here.


a cheater can never understand the pain and hurt they cause, never ever.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Yes, she knows i do. 

I guess she figures it is better than a beating... 

JUST KIDDING!!!!!!! 

*yes i have a sense of humor*


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## rotor (Aug 28, 2010)

Yes, my wife knows. I have even suggested she read the board in order to educate herself. She said "I don't want to read about other people’s problems." LOL


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Yes my Dear Hubby knows I post here and if he doesn't read what I post, I usually read it to him! LOL :rofl:

I somewhat agree with your wife in that anything you would/could discuss here, ideally you should be open and transparent enough with your spouse to talk about first. Thus, anything I write about me here on this forum is not a "surprise" to my Dear Hubby. I know also that sometimes people use this place as a sounding board: to see if they are thinking realistically or to see if their expectations are unrealistic...or even sometimes just to vent an unformed feeling and figure out how to then formulate it into something coherent they could then go talk to their spouse about! 

Thus I agree on one thing: the goal is to be transparent enough with your spouse that you would go to them to discuss these issues. Unfortunately, sometimes the "issue" IS your spouse and you're not going to get third, party objective advice if that's the case.


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## triton1984 (Nov 20, 2009)

twotimeloser said:


> Yes, she knows i do.
> 
> I guess she figures it is better than a beating...
> 
> ...



I suppose knowing vs does she read the post might be the question I pose to you 2time? Your posts in particular give out some really good advise, but could also be read the wrong way by your wife I would think. 

My one question still remains unanswered though. Is it wrong for a spouse....to prefer posting here and their spouse not know? Does the difference boil down to if the one posting is a DS or LS?

Thanks for the responses so far.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Yes, my husband knows I post here. I've told him he can read anything I post, though.

I've no idea why he doesn't sneak on here to see what I'm saying, I guess I'm the nosy one, not him


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

mine has no idea. Not that I am hiding it from him, it's just that right now, while he is in his fog and I work on trying the 180, he does not need to know.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

My STBxW is aware I use forums to discuss and better understand this trauma I'm trying to deal with, and heal from.

This one specifically, I don't think so. Not that I'm aware of anyway.

But this lovely soul crushing experience she gifted me with also came with a side order of brutal paranoia... Being lied to, gaslighted, and emotionally abused like this has put all kinds of "monsters under the bed".

At times I can't overcome the feeling I'm being watched.. Like W and OM read everything. I feel like IM always being lied to, manipulated, and being played with.

Pretty scary, reckon my mind is bad. Short curcuited somewhere along the line. 

or maybe.... _she knows_... lol.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

I didn't tell my wife when I first came on here, but did tell her after I'd been here a couple of days. My daughter found this site and that's how she discovered my wife's affair. After she told us, she showed my wife my posts while I was at work. Wife couldn't argue.
I sometimes feel guilty that I'm sharing personal information here. Compared to her sharing her body as well as my safety and well being with another man, I guess that's small, but two wrongs don't make a right. 
I wish she would come here herself and read a while. She doesn't have a computer where she's living, and I suppose she doesn't really care enough to come here if she did have one. That's too bad for both of us, but mostly for her. Looks like I'll be applying what I've learned here to a relationship with someone else in the future. Tough s**t for her, I guess.


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## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

My wife knows I use a forum but doesn't to my knowledge know it's this one. I don't bother deleting history or anything as I don't want to hide anything, but I can see from the Opendns listings that there has never been any TAM site accessed while I'm away from home 50% of each month.

In some ways I wish she would find her own way here as there are a lot of points which may help her understand how her doings has affected me. Emailing copies of chosen posts just won't have the same effect.

One day when/if I feel she has opened to me in a way I believe (dreaming...?), then I will most definately point her here - maybe even encourage her to join herself.


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

castingabout said:


> I sometimes feel guilty that I'm sharing personal information here. Compared to her sharing her body as well as my safety and well being with another man, I guess that's small, but two wrongs don't make a right.
> QUOTE] NO NO NO!!!! posting here under a totally anomous name is NOT wrong!! what she did was wrong. but always remember this advice, "two wrongs dont make a right...but three lefts do!" (JK)


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

bird said:


> castingabout said:
> 
> 
> > I sometimes feel guilty that I'm sharing personal information here. Compared to her sharing her body as well as my safety and well being with another man, I guess that's small, but two wrongs don't make a right.
> ...


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

its good to start to joke about anything again, I used to be the happiest guy you could have ever met but thats been gone so long. we all need to smile when we can!! life will and does go on!


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

bird said:


> its good to start to joke about anything again, I used to be the happiest guy you could have ever met but thats been gone so long. we all need to smile when we can!! life will and does go on!



Agreed. I have started joking and playing again. Feels like some life has come back to me . It sucks to live in a daze.


Sorry for the hijack, OP.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Yes, i have told my husband many times that I post here, and I have nothing to hide, I have given password, even though I am on auto login, he chooses not to come here, and thinks this is where people in crappy marriages come to "hook up" that said, I do not believe I have "hit on" anyone here lol, I want only my husband.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Yes, my husband (the DS) knows I post here. In the begining he used to read a lot of the threads. He learned a lot about how to move forward and how to help me heal.

My husband knows I still post and he's welcome to read anything I say. I have nothing to hide and hopefully neither does he. I think all passwords and forums should be accessible to either spouse, regardless of you being the DS or LS. I would feel very uncomfortable with my husband posting somewhere if I didn't know I was allowed to read what he was saying. Plus, I wouldn't know if he was getting private messages. 

However, I think it's only fair he have access to all my accounts too. If one wants privacy from their spouse, you have to wonder what they want to hide? Learning from past mistakes, it's not good to keep secrets from someone you're sharing your life with.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

I have never been anything but open and honest with him. He is the one who closed himself off from me; he lived a separate life for months and he's hidden his true feelings all his life. The overwhelming pain that he brought into our lives, has changed him. He is trying to understand what happened as much as I am. He posted on here the other day under forgive me? The answers he got he shared with me, and it seemed to help him. Thank you all.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> I have never been anything but open and honest with him. He is the one who closed himself off from me; he lived a separate life for months and he's hidden his true feelings all his life. The overwhelming pain that he brought into our lives, has changed him. He is trying to understand what happened as much as I am. He posted on here the other day under forgive me? The answers he got he shared with me, and it seemed to help him. Thank you all.




You know Oakes, I was scratching my head with this one until I read your husband posted, I was thinking, I thought Oak was a dude, but it all makes sense now


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## edot30 (Apr 19, 2011)

My spouse does not know I post on here, but then again I just found this place this morning. 

I suspect that it will come up at some point. However, while I am not attempting to hide it, I do know that her presence here would seriously limit what I can say, so I will probably also not point it out for a little while.

I am here anonymously as I am looking for advice and suggestions to make our situation better. While private details are shared on the site, they are done so anonymously, with zero personally identifiable information. 

That being said, if I was here thinking, 'There are a lot of hurt, vulnerable people here and maybe I can find some cute young girl looking to get even with her guy for cheating on her', or, 'Hey everyone lets all jump on the bandwagon and talk **** about my ***** of a wife!' then there would definetally be a problem.

I do not think that it is wrong to be on a forum like this without the partners knowledge at all if you are there looking for ways to better your own relationship, and I would actually be glad to find out that my wife was actively looking for ways to improve things. While she does talk about our relationship as it stands, I would prefer she chose anyone except who she does (the guy I have issues with)


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Dear God No. Waffle irons hurt.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

:rofl:


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

:allhail:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes, what is she going to do, go off and cheat?
Seriously, she has even posted as the Mrs. the guy.
My W understands that I needed to let this sh*t out.


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

My spouse doesn't know I post here. I have told him that I have read up all about infidelity on the internet to educate myself, but didn't mention that I have posted about our personal problems on this forum. He is a very private person and I don't think he would take it too well. He isn't internet savvy, but I do delete my history just in case. Maybe it is weird keeping it from him, I don't know? Never thought about telling him until this thread.


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## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

Well hubby knows that I post here but doesn't know the name I use anymore. When he was still under the fog and OW was talking to his BF and girlfriend(OW best Friend) Hubby had told his BF I posted her so of he told his girlfriend who told the OW I posted here, OW saw one of my post where I had wish she was died and a dream I had how she died. So she told hubby if I didn't stop posting about her she would take the post to the cops and say that I was planning on killing her. I was so mad at hubby for this so I changed my name. Told him unless he wanted all his friends and family to know what he did that I needed somewhere to vent. Since then I vent here time to time and we are doing alot better.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Can we assume that if you believe that your spouse should know everything you post on an anonymous website where you are asking for anonymous opinions, then it is all the more important for you to dictate everything you mention to a personal therapist and allow the spouse to read it? Does marriage take away all rights to privacy on Facebook also?

I really think that the whole purpose of creating an anonymous forum is kind've for anonymity. Sometimes, its even specifically designed so that you can work out issues without unintentionally offending your spouse.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Halien said:


> Sometimes, its even specifically designed so that you can work out issues without unintentionally offending your spouse.


This is quite true. I would overwhelm my husband if I presented every issue to him and this forum serves as a wonderful outlet to bounce ideas and thoughts around. Sometimes it helps me to organize my thoughts before I talk to him or to determine if it's something I even need to bring up at all.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

He knows I post here and sometimes he's curious about what has so much of my attention! LOL My husband has asked me not to post about him. 
Sometimes I want to wrestle with difficult issues on my own. I also appreciate the value of an objective opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

I guess some WW spouses don't like to hear about the REAL damage they cause with their infidelity. If they disapprove of some of US coming here for guidance and support; maybe they shouldn't have cheated in the first place.


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## code7600 (Mar 20, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

my husband doesn't disapprove, he knows i posted our story, he just chooses not to come and have a looksee, his problem, his loss. This place is one of the things that woke me up and helped me realize my inner strength, I think if he read up on here, it'd point him in the right direction.


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## code7600 (Mar 20, 2011)

I think sometimes posting here doesn't fly well. sdcmike totally disappeared rather suddenly. 
he had the a/k/a insane thread.
---
"What we have here is a failure to communicate." The Captain
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

who knows, I have seen people kind of disappear and then reappear, I think it's every persons right to find the kind of therapy that works for them, for me, this place has helped save my sanity.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Mine knows. I never specifically told her my screen name, but it would be easy enough for her to pick out.

When I first found the forum last year while we were going through a difficult time in the wake of her PA, I told her I was on a marriage forum, but not which one. When things seemed to be going much better, I'd mention some of the threads I was reading in some of the other sub-forums, she was curious, so I showed her the site. Don't know if she still checks it out or not. But, now that we're back in a bad place, I kinda wish I hadn't shown her the site. The concepts presented to deal with a DS would seem to tend to work better if they don't have access to the gameplan, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Hell my H doesn't even know what color shirt i wore today....


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

i saw scdmike in the private forum earlier, he's still here!


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

triton1984 said:


> I suppose knowing vs does she read the post might be the question I pose to you 2time? Your posts in particular give out some really good advise, but could also be read the wrong way by your wife I would think.
> 
> My one question still remains unanswered though. Is it wrong for a spouse....to prefer posting here and their spouse not know? Does the difference boil down to if the one posting is a DS or LS?
> 
> Thanks for the responses so far.


My wife knows I post here, but she doesn't really read my posts, If i was uncomfortable with my posts, i sure wouldn't pick a name like TwoTimeLoser and then put my picture next to it. LOL

The thing is, that a lot of people are not honest with themselves or their spouses, about how they feel. My wife knows exactly how i feel because I tell her when she asks. She does feel bad still at times, and if she notices me reacting to a trigger or something, she might make the mistake of asking...

I usually will be honest and say " I can't believe you did that crap to me" I take my own advice, because I see it working every day. 

I would think that my wife would avoid these boards. I mean she is repentant and the plethora of painful stories here would probably give her a panic attack.


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