# New here... Need advise SHOULD I BE OFFENDED MY HUSBAND GOT A LAP DANCE AT A BACHELOR



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Hello.
I am new here. I am hoping someone can help me think clearly before I go too far in assumptions and racking my mind over this.

a few weeks ago, my husband joined a bachelor party in Las Vegas for his cousin's fiance. I was actually alright with is as he has done that before. He always told me EVERYTHING and was pretty much nonchalant about the event. 

This time, he came home and was very quiet. Not that I feel he's cheated on me.But soon after I asked him how it went, he was more hesitant to say and practically sugar coated all the goings on... well not long after that, I asked again.... THEN it came that he paid to get a lap dance! I know that is not a big deal to some, but somehow I feel offended. I told him so, and he feels bad. 

But now I am left with this disturbing feeling that maybe something is wrong with me? He said that isn't so, but ofcourse he would not even admit even if it were so! So until this day, I still feel very uneasy about the entire deal. First he attempted to lie to me ...if I did not pry he might have not told me! I don't know what goes on there... but I have heard different things..he told me that HE could not do anything as it was not allowed there...but I heard some place, ESPECIALLY in Vegas you can! SO that in itself drives me nuts!

We got into this BIG! And a friend of mine advised I let it go... and not bring it up anymore if he knows he was wrong. I am trying... but the inner feeling doesn't seem to go away. Insecurity? I don't know.

He's not the type to just go for no reason. it was an isolated event. Should I feel this way? I know it's not like he was actually with someone, but nonetheless...it offends me he needed to actually buy a dance for himself! He's actually gone before and did not do that (or so he claims) he was just here with the rest of the guys.

Now my thing is that being married... why do men feel they need to do this? It brings friction to a relationship, less you really arent the jealous type...and I don't think I am but this one incident just caught me off guard. And it's not that I don't trust him... basically I think it just is the fact that he had the need to get this. It somehow makes me feel just awful.

I know many people think these things are just a 'fun' guys do..or at least my husband claims that's what it is...but no matter how you put it, explain it.... I still feel horrible inside. After seeing those girls who make a living to look good...it does make me feel insecure. and I really am not an insecure person! 

Please help shed some light into this, should I feel this way, How can I get away from feeling this bad??

Thanks..


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

Number one... who did he come home to?? It was all said and done and he went home to you. Period. 

My husband went to a bachelor party in Vegas a few years ago. I was livid... not b/c of any potential, ,but who the hell has a three day bachelor party in Vegas??!! My husband has attended numerous bachelor parties, right here at home with strippers. And we've even attended strip clubs together. He's had lap dances, but not when we've gone together. I really want him to show me how it's done... I want to know how the whole thing goes down when he does go out with the guys, but as of yet, he just wont' do it with me there. Odd. 

In Vegas they are not allowed to prostitue, but just outside of the city limits it is legal. Fear not, it doesn't sound as though this is your situation. 

Peer pressure... that's why he did it. It was a bachelor party. That's what guys do at bachelor parties. They go see naked women strut around and pay them to wiggle on their laps. No, men are NOT allowed to touch the women. I'm sure all the other guys were getting them, so why not him, too?? Wouldn't you feel bad if it was all your friends having the fun and you didn't?? 

I wouldn't give him a hard time about this. It was a one time thing, he came home to you, he told you about it, let him be. 

There's nothing wrong with you... you weren't there to see what actually happened, jealousy is a natural normal feeling. It's what you do with the feelings that makes all the difference. Just remind yourself that he came home to you and he was honest. Don't give him a hard time for his honesty. And those girls that are looking good for a living... yeah, is that what you feel insecure about?? You want a life of making money off your body?? Doesn't sound that way. Careful what makes you insecure. 

Let it go.


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## True Blue (Feb 29, 2008)

You say you're husband has been away at bachelor parties before, have you two every discussed what you thought was inappropriate and appropriate behavior? If you never really expresed your expectations to him then you can't be angry with him because he participated in activities common at bachelor parties with "live" entertainment. If you've talked to him about this in the past and he still got the lap dance then yes by all means you have a right to be angry with him.

Sounds like he know he let you down so I wouldn't beat him up too much about it.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Thanks...

I know you are both right, and it makes me feel a little better~thanks!... it was just a 'guy' peer pressure thing. And he does feel awful, and I think I already made him suffer the entire week after that happened for him to know how I feel about it.

It is just plain jealousy/insecurity gone bad on my part.... I don't expect to look like those girls anyway... I just feel bad because it was something he felt he had to do.... he's a grown man! How can peer pressure still be an issue? What is he, 12??

For the most part...I have kept quiet and considered it done... but now he is thinking twice before he comes and tells me he has another bachelor party to go to!


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## mollyL (Dec 31, 2007)

I have noticed in my visits to Vegas is that it exists to get people drunk to more easily separate the cash they bring with them.
How drunk your hubby might have been, coupled with peer pressure from the other party goers would probably explain why he got a lap dance. You said he feels awful; don't you think that if he REALLY enjoyed it, would he have confessed it? I think he would probably not have told you if he'd loved it. His confession is the important thing, I think. Give him a bit of a free pass on this, and I think you've expressed your disapproval. Time to kiss and make up.


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## dogma_ma (Apr 3, 2008)

I was going to post a reply but everything that I was gonna say has been said in others replies! Good luck!


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## Andrea (Sep 11, 2007)

I agree with the point True Blue made somewhat. 

If it was never discussed, then it needs to be addressed. You cant beat him up over this if has never been addressed. 

Bachelor parties are known for this sort of entertainment. My husband has been on bachelor parties where i knew there would be drinking and that sort of entertainment. i didnt care, nor do i care to know what happened those nights. Ive been on several bachelorette parties where i had lap dances. NBD. I know when he goes out with the boys, he may go to a strip club. and i am ok with that cause i know when i go out with my girls, we go to them too. 

He probably lied to you because he thought you would probably blow up on him if you knew what he did, which he was right. You blew up on him. Now he will probably walk on eggshells around you when he wants to go to another bachelor party or out with the guys. 

If it was an isolated incident, dont make him feel any worse than he does by hanging it over his head cause when you say


savannah said:


> And he does feel awful, and I think I already made him suffer the entire week after that happened for him to know how I feel about it.


.... it sounds like you are.

Its probably best to just let it go before it eats you alive!


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

I do understand, I am maybe making it worst by dwelling on it...and that's not very healthy. 

Thing is, I guess the other times he went, he never personally paid for one...he just went along with the guys and was there... I guess I thought that was all he was going to do. frankly, if he was upfront before he went and told me that could happen, then I may not have given it a second thought. 

But in my defense, being on the other end, there is still that bitter feeling. Not necessarily that I think he's going to run away with the stripper....just the honestly part of it, I suppose.

Like I said, he's gone to many, where he went and came back and it was nothing to me....just a night out with the boys... I just don't know why this one is lingering on....
Honestly, I don't know what I want accomplished...


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

mollyL said:


> I have noticed in my visits to Vegas is that it exists to get people drunk to more easily separate the cash they bring with them.
> How drunk your hubby might have been, coupled with peer pressure from the other party goers would probably explain why he got a lap dance. You said he feels awful; don't you think that if he REALLY enjoyed it, would he have confessed it? I think he would probably not have told you if he'd loved it. His confession is the important thing, I think. Give him a bit of a free pass on this, and I think you've expressed your disapproval. Time to kiss and make up.


Yes, this is a good point! He told me the other clubs he visited in the past never had alcohol, but the Vegas one did, and so saying it 'impaired his judgement'.... 

I bet if it were the other way around, it wouldn't be such an acceptable excuse if I gave it. And he did not exactly 'confess'...I had to pry and literally interrogate to get some answers..... he was even hesitant to answer and practically sugar coated all the response... like he 'picked' the particular girl because she seemed NICE... Nice? I didn't know that men go there to see NICE girls! Now you know that's baloney! So why not just spill the truth.... I think it would have been better if I heard the harsh truth...

Don't get me wrong I know this is entertainment... but I just sincerely believe when you are in a marriage... there are certain bounderies... wasn't it enough he went? He already can see girls.... why particularly pay for one? Because the other guys are? 

I know it's something I need to drop... but unfortunately, I am still mad...


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## Andrea (Sep 11, 2007)

savannah said:


> I know it's something I need to drop... but unfortunately, I am still mad...


Let it go, hon. Its gonna eat you alive. *hugs* i hope for the best!


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Andrea said:


> Let it go, hon. Its gonna eat you alive. *hugs* i hope for the best!


I'm sure trying..... Thanks.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Hey Savanah,

Ok all the advice above is solid and good stuff....But I am going to take it a bit further for you.

Ok so you are jealous over a lap dance? Don't be honey, I been to plenty of these parties, the guys CAN NOT touch the ladies, the ladies can only touch teh man, and trust me they only want his money and that is it. You would never have to worry about more then the dance becuase no man int heir right mind would want to go any further, hello STD city. Not happening.

Also usually in these parties it is more embarrassing for the guys, i've seen guys get completely embarrassed and that might have been your hubby, didn't want the lap dance, "pushed into it" he was uncomfortable while it happened, his friends made fun of him...seen it before.

I am not a "strip club" kind of person by my wife was curious to go to one with me so I took her, and she was like "this is it?" and I am like Yep, pretty much about it, she was like I could do a better job then these girls.....Light bulb went off in my head....Oh really honey??? 

So what came out of this? Well Carmen Electra has a DVD collection of "strip tease workouts" I bought it for my wife, the whole set, includes a "lap dance" workout  I gave it to her to "study" and we would ahve a "test" some night.

Well she studied and we put some songs on our IPOD that she found "fun" to dance to, we bought her a hot sexy dress....and one night when the kids were not home, We had a few drinks...and we set up a chair in our living room, dimmed the lights, And it was her "test time"....Needless to say she passed with flying colors 

My wife has become my own personal stripper  She loved it, I loved it...it was a blast. We have several outfits for her now and she wants to buy a Brass pole for our basement (removable of course)

I recommend, you do such a thing..... Show your hubby that YOU are the Sexiest woman on the planet and he will Drool over you and I am telling you he will LOVE IT....and so will you.

Let the Vegas trip go I am sure nothing happened.....but you can make a world of a difference for him.

Have some fun! You will just see how much he really loves you the moment he realizes you are going to give him a personal lap dance.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> Hey Savanah,
> 
> Ok all the advice above is solid and good stuff....But I am going to take it a bit further for you.
> 
> ...



Thanks!

Good to hear this from a guy too! I know what you just said here are exactly what my husband said. IT WAS NOTHING he said... But ya just can't help that bit of jealous streak.... you know?

I know, I guess being out there with his friends and other people, he could not have had THAT private a moment! 

Actually we talked about this over the weekend. We agreed to drop the entire issue and just focus on living NOW.... Can't say i was not a tiny bit offended either way, but he seems to be genuinely sorry... 

Thanks for the idea though.... not sure I can pull that off... but good suggestion!


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

Totally go with the S Factor by Sheila Kelley. Way worth the $.


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## Immortalone (Mar 5, 2008)

Sounds like a big issue in this is that you don't think your husband was being honost with you. Having to drag it out of him as you say. I don't think his intent was to go there and come home and lie to you. I think he went, made what he feels like is a mistake and was affraid of admiting that mistake. I think he was more affraid of how you would re-act. affraid of losing your trust and love. The thing is, even though you feel like you dragged it out of him. In the end he did trust you enough to tell you, he does beleave in the love you two share is strong enough to over come this. You have to look at the bright side of this also. Seams like he is sorry and relizes even more how much he loves and cares about you.


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## dbj1971 (May 29, 2008)

Savannah,
I see that all the posts are from April, so I don't know if you'll check back and read this (in late May), but here goes...

You are normal for feeling jealous and upset. First of all, "bachelor parties" are daft anyway. I mean, the night before my wedding, I was so excited about marrying the woman of my dreams! - I didn't want to celebrate the last night of bachelorhood, as it if were some long-time friend I hated to say goodbye to and wanted to send off with a bang. What are bachelor parties, anyway, a last celebration of being single and acting irresponsible? I longed to be with my wife, so compared to being married to her and being with her, being single stunk - why celebrate that with a last hurrah?

Anyway, so-called lap dances are designed to arouse, to address an erotic part of ourselves that only a spouse should. Many, if not all men, would struggle with impure thoughts during the "dance." So, why bother? It also would make a wife feel uneasy about how she compares to the lapse-dancer. This isn't immature for you to feel this way. It's immature for someone to not take this into account and just plunge ahead, giving in to peer pressure (this isn't the 9th grade, is it?).

Let's all call a spade a spade: lap dances mimic intercourse in certain positions. Some may say it's harmless fun, but just the fact that it bothers you is proof that it isn't "harmless." Someone gets hurt or at least upset by it. Tell me a husband wouldn't care if some male dancer were to mimic erotic moves upon his wife!! Not a husband who loves his wife. No one will ever convince me otherwise.

You are not making a big deal about nothing. It is insensitive, inconsiderate, and immature (plus selfish) for anyone to make you feel that it is "nothing" or that something is wrong with you for feeling the way you do. As I've said before, if something upsets the one I love, then that alone makes it significant to me. To just dismiss it or tell you to let it go is an astounding act of callousness or at least naivette on someone else's part.

DJ


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## confusedinTX (May 9, 2008)

While I think the advise was well intended I am going to side with you. It is more about the honesty issue. You trusted him to go because he had also come home and been honest about it. This time was different. I am not saying not to let it go but don't beat yourself up nor let it happen again if you feel this way. And I hate to break it to you ladies but there is touching at strip clubs depending on the girl. I have seen a stripper grab my husbands hand and put it on her ass. It happens in every club just depends on who you get dancing on you as to what they allow. 

If your marriage has the look but don't touch policy then I think this breaks that and he should be man enough not to give into peer preasure. He could have gotten out of it by saying the groom needed it more and spent the money on getting him one instead of himself. Then he is the cool one getting the "dead" man a dance. 

Just let him know what you expect and move on. He needs to except that because he lied you are going to have some trust issues and he should come home from any future events and be hoenst and open the second he walks in the door. If he doesn't then that is an issue that can kill a marriage. Trust is everything.


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## Pups (Jun 1, 2008)

Let him find you on line having an e-affair and say it was a one time thing. It will make you feel better.


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## Liza (Jan 2, 2008)

The men here can state their opinion on this, but I do get the impression that men's ego seem to be boosted when other females around find them attraction sexually. I think it is also an ego think.

I agree with the peer pressure line of argument too.


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## soda (May 29, 2008)

Savannah -- I think that your husband had an error in judgment, probably based on not knowing your feelings. I did the same thing years ago, and my wife expressed her concerns and emotions. I never did it again. If you husband is like me, he was probably just 'doing in Rome what the Romans do.' No male with his crap in order puts any emotional attachment into a stripper, or much thought into the idea that a lap dance is a problem. Now, once my wife said it was a problem, I treated her feelings seriously.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Liza said:


> The men here can state their opinion on this, but I do get the impression that men's ego seem to be boosted when other females around find them attraction sexually. I think it is also an ego think.
> 
> I agree with the peer pressure line of argument too.


Women tend to do the same thing too.

draconis


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