# So confused...need opinions



## katiebug54 (Aug 22, 2011)

I'm almost 24 and have been married for 5 years. I met my husband in my teenage years and am beginning to think that what I loved about him then does not appeal to me now that I am older. 

For the first few years we were inseparable. I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could, and he hated it. He was always lecturing me about trying to hug him or trying to talk to him when he was relaxing. I feel that I changed in order to transform myself into what he wanted. 

Everything he requested sexually I did...even when I hated it. If I didn't give him what he wanted sexually he would use my insecurities against me and say things like "if you won't do this, i'll just go watch it on video and take care of myself." He's made me feel horrible about myself. He's requested threesomes and even brought up wife-swapping...which is NOT okay with me. 

When he is mad he withholds affection. He will be either really cruel or just ignore me alltogether. He isn't like this all the time though...he has also been my best friend and I feel that we are able to have alot of fun together. Then he joined the Army and left home for training, deployment, etc. While he was gone I felt relieved and confident in myself. I no longer felt under pressure.

Since he has been gone his concentration has been on sex, not on the fact that he loves me. I feel like a sexual object. I have also realized just how horrible he made me feel while he was here. The way he treated me wasn't ok at all. I've tried telling him my concerns but he gets mad at me and says that all men are this way.

I know not all men are the way he is toward me. I know this isn't the right thing to do, but recently I have been comparing my husband to a male friend of mine. My friend WANTS love and marriage and children. He isn't overly sexual and he handles me perfectly when I am upset or stressed out. My husband tells me to "stop crying because its f-ing annoying." 

I'm so tired of feeling worthless, but I don't know whether I should leave my husband or not. I am completely dependent on him financially and I have a child from a previous relationship to think about. (My husband and I do not have children together.) I am in college and currently looking for a job, but it terrifies me to think of all that I would have to give up in order to leave him. If it was me by myself I wouldn't be as concerned...it's mainly my child that I am thinking about. 

My husband has been a little better recently, but I still feel that there are some huge differences in us and that we have a hard time trying to communicate with each other and reach compromises. Not to mention when I "annoy" him he goes right back to the way he was in the beginning. I feel so confused. Part of me wants to leave and part of me feels like I need to stay because I've invested so much. I would love all the opinions I can get.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I am taking from this:

1) serious sexual incompatibility (for obvious reasons - he's being very selfish and immature about your sexual relationship), and you don't like who you are when you are with him
2) you are not financially self-sufficient
3) you are starting to compare him to other men

so my advice would be...

1) you likely need to have a serious talk or talks with him, preferably with a marriage counselor, about coming up with some reasonable boundaries toward sex, coming up with something you both can live with, and figuring out what you guys can do to get back to enjoying each other's company. You are way too young to spend your life trapped like this, and the sooner you tackle the issue, the more likely you could find something you both could enjoy. You are not supposed to change to become what he needs!
2) make it your highest priority to become financially self sufficient. You owe it to yourself and your child, and it will open up a lot more options to you that aren't there right now - like being able to live alone for a while to figure out what you want and need.
3) do whatever you are going to do quickly because this sounds like you are ripe for an affair and that is just going to make life crazier for all concerned. Fix the problems with your husband or leave before the affair hits or you completely check out of the marriage. And if you are starting to think of your friend as a new option for you - beware that you are already sliding down the slippery slope and you need to get him out of your head until you resolve your marriage situation, one way or another.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Your husband is being verbally abusive towards you. 

These things are abusive:
- "if you won't do this, i'll just go watch it on video and take care of myself." 
- "stop crying because its f-ing annoying." 
- making you do things you do not want to do.

I also imagine that there are numerous problems that you might be minimizing. I would say get out of this situation as soon as you can. I would also strongly suggest avoiding any kind of romantic relationship until you can get yourself figured out through counseling or otherwise. You have already been with two different guys who did not treat you right (more than two?). Before getting into a relationship, you need to get a better idea of who you are.

Again, get out of this situation as soon as you can.


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## majorlyconfused (Aug 24, 2011)

Your relationship sounds similar to mine. I am 32 and my husband is 37 and we have been married for almost 10 years but together for 13 years. He has had a very expereinced sexual background before I met him and I accepted that and I thought he accepted the fact I had only been with 1 other man besides him. He used to tell me before we were married he wanted a 3some with me. I am dead set against them. I think if you love someone, why would you put yourself or them in that position. I know it would kill me watching him have sex with another woman. He told me on the weekend he is "willing to share me" with another man now. He wants to watch me have sex with him and join in. Even after before we married he promised me he wouldn't go there again and ask me that. So I have to ask, did you give in and do it? I have considered doing things sexually I never dreamt I would to keep him happy but he keeps going back to the whole 3some thing. I have three kids to consider so it is so hard. Everyday now I keep thinking I am doing the wrong thing being with him even though I love him dearly.


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