# Orgasms. Confused & disappointed



## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

So i don't orgasm easy, *i wanna know if there's something wrong with me or not...*
So i'm 27, started having sex at the age of 21...loved my first boyfriend but wasn't in love with him since i knew we could never get married ...he was a great boyfriend but i don't think he would have been a good husband...so i never allowed myself to fall in love with him...so i assumed that's why i didn't orgasm coz for the full 2 years we were together, i never reached orgasm but the sex itself was fun since we were very open minded and we did all kinds of fun stuff....
after we broke up, i dated 3 other guys and also i wasn't able to orgasm either...
So last year i met this guy, we dated for a few months then we started having sex. For the first month i wasn't able to orgasm...then one day it just started happening and it was always when we were doing one position. so i researched that position and i found out it's called C.A.T (Coital Alignmennt Technique). Ladies check it out it might help u: Wapedia - Wiki: Coital alignment technique

*So i always asked myself if i was able to cum because of that position or because i was in love with the guy or both??*

So anyway that boyfriend/fiance cheated on me and i broke up with him...

so about a month ago i met this guy went to a lot of dates then last weekend we hooked up, i think we might have done it like 20times over the weekend since we stayed in but i didn't even cum one time. we even tried the C.A.T position, it didn't work...
So now my fear is that i was able to cum with my ex-fiance because i was in love with him not just because of the C.A.T position...
And if that's the case i think i'm screwed for life. what if i dont fall in love again? it's very hard for me to fall in love...*does that mean that i might go thru the rest of my life without ever orgasming again? *

*so my other question is : if u had a choice between going back to your cheating fiance or spending the rest of your life without any orgasm what would you choose?*


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

There are two other possibilities.


Foreplay to the point where you are almost cumming or even have come.
Afterpaly - let him rub you afterwards.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

You learn to orgasm with your man regardless of who he is. It's a combination of relaxing and knowledge of what to do for both of you.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

learn what please you by yourself ,relax and explore once you know what hits the spot tell your partner, its about being together lots of foreplay learning together. you need to relax and enjoy rather then worrying about cumming


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## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> There are two other possibilities.
> 
> 
> Foreplay to the point where you are almost cumming or even have come.
> Afterpaly - let him rub you afterwards.


i have tried all of that but doesn't work...foreplay or masturbating doesn't make me orgasm, i might squirt but it's not the same feeling...

i wonder if it's because i'm still young?? will it get better as i age???


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

T.O.girl said:


> i have tried all of that but doesn't work...foreplay or masturbating doesn't make me orgasm, i might squirt but it's not the same feeling...
> 
> i wonder if it's because i'm still young?? will it get better as i age???


Yes it will. By 36 you will be much more orgasmic. However, there is no need to wait. 

Masturbation is a skill that needs practice. What might help is a flexible dildo (not a vibrator) to use at the same time. You seem to enjoy penetration, so the dildo will help you get there. You can do it, it just takes enthusiasm for the project.


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## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

martino said:


> You learn to orgasm with your man regardless of who he is. It's a combination of relaxing and knowledge of what to do for both of you.


so it doesn't matter if you are in love with the guy or not??? that's encouraging but it does reinforce my feeling that something must be wrong with me


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

I'm no expert (I'm a guy  ), but a lot of your problem might be mental. You think that no matter what, you can't have an orgasm, and you seem to be putting a lot of pressure on yourself to have one. My wife forever thought she just was physically unable to have an orgasm. We were together for a while before she had her first one. The was no technique, no art, no position... she just finally learned how to relax, let her walls come down, and it just happened. 

And I will say, after the first one, she did what you did, tried to recreate that scenerio exactly again, trying to duplicate the experience. It didn't work. The next time it happened, it was in a different position in a different scenerio. 

She still doesn't orgasm every time, and she still claims that she can't give herself one either... but she is becoming much more relaxed and as she relaxes more and thinks less, her orgasms are becoming more frequent.


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## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> learn what please you by yourself ,relax and explore once you know what hits the spot tell your partner, its about being together lots of foreplay learning together. you need to relax and enjoy rather then worrying about cumming


by myself the only think that works is watching porn and rubbing my clitt at the same time...can't do that all the time, i might get addicted to porn or get get desensitised

But what i don't get is how with my ex-fiance, no porn, foreplay, toys or anything else was needed for me to cum?????


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Well what else did your fiance do? that is the key to finding out. Tell us in detail since it's anonymous...


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## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

martino said:


> Well what else did your fiance do? that is the key to finding out. Tell us in detail since it's anonymous...


nothing and that's why it's kinda confusing??? he was a litle bit lazy and uptight so foreplay was short if any, and forget about going down on me...
and it's not like he lasted long, he was only lasting 5 to 10 minutes, fortunately it wasn't taking me a long time to cum...
and it wasn't like he had a big one, he had an average sized one...
so i don't understand why i was able to cum with him ?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Was he an alpha male type.


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## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Was he an alpha male type.


yes. ummmhhh...u think that might have something to do with it? i should be looking for alpha males???


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## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

GPR said:


> I'm no expert (I'm a guy  ), but a lot of your problem might be mental. You think that no matter what, you can't have an orgasm, and you seem to be putting a lot of pressure on yourself to have one. My wife forever thought she just was physically unable to have an orgasm. We were together for a while before she had her first one. The was no technique, no art, no position... she just finally learned how to relax, let her walls come down, and it just happened.
> 
> And I will say, after the first one, she did what you did, tried to recreate that scenerio exactly again, trying to duplicate the experience. It didn't work. The next time it happened, it was in a different position in a different scenerio.
> 
> She still doesn't orgasm every time, and she still claims that she can't give herself one either... but she is becoming much more relaxed and as she relaxes more and thinks less, her orgasms are becoming more frequent.


i know i think i might be putting some pressure on myself as i want to get married in about 3-4 years and would like to marry s.o who satisfy me in the bed among other things...otherwise i'm afraid my sex drive will die and my husband and marriage will suffer...


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

T.O.girl said:


> i know i think i might be putting some pressure on myself as i want to get married in about 3-4 years and would like to marry s.o who satisfy me in the bed among other things...otherwise i'm afraid my sex drive will die and my husband and marriage will suffer...


I think "loving" someone might help, but not JUST because you love them, but because you will be able to have that relaxation and release with them... 

Obviously, an orgasm is a lot of what you do physically, but especially with a woman, if the mental part isn't there, you could do everything right and still not have an orgasm. 

Practice makes perfect, and this helps with the mental aspect as well. Once you figure it out, it takes a lot of the mental pressure off.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

martino said:


> You learn to orgasm with your man regardless of who he is. It's a combination of relaxing and knowledge of what to do for both of you.


Not true. The man matters. Heck, even if you're using a dildo, WHICH dildo you use matters.



> so my other question is : if u had a choice between going back to your cheating fiance or spending the rest of your life without any orgasm what would you choose?


Neither. If the man's personality/ethics don't fit you, don't marry him. You also shouldn't settle for no orgasms forever. It makes for a very unhappy life. Trust me.



> by myself the only think that works is watching porn and rubbing my clitt at the same time...can't do that all the time, i might get addicted to porn or get get desensitised
> 
> But what i don't get is how with my ex-fiance, no porn, foreplay, toys or anything else was needed for me to cum?????


Umm, where's you get that info from? Nothing bad will happen to you if you watch porn and rub your clit ... you won't desensitize it unless you're doing it like all day long everyday for months/years.

Your experience shows that you can physically orgasm. So it's likely mental or related to the guy. You were in love with your ex-fiance. You weren't in love with this date you had. Also, maybe you were just really, really physically attracted to your ex and not as attracted (yet) to the date.


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## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

MsLady said:


> Also, maybe you were just really, really physically attracted to your ex and not as attracted (yet) to the date.


ummhhh... the strange thing is my ex was not that great looking, he was average looking and had a little belly... 

the new guy is good looking, very tall, fit, has a six pack...has sex appeal, swagga and knows how to dress...


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

T.O.girl said:


> *so my other question is : if u had a choice between going back to your cheating fiance or spending the rest of your life without any orgasm what would you choose?*


I would choose the possibility or never having an orgasm. I would never settle just to orgasm.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

T.O.girl said:


> yes. ummmhhh...u think that might have something to do with it? i should be looking for alpha males???


No. I'm not saying that.

What I've found is that women find Alpha males very erotically charged for short term affairs, but they don't always make good long term lovers or fathers/husbands.

An Alpha-male has nitro in his tank - it get's you off.

But a less Alpha man can still be an excellent lover, it's just that it takes time to click together. If you take into account the fact that you have difficulty orgasming on your own, it shows that there is not necessarily a need to change man at this point. What you need to do is get more in touch with your own body and response mechanism.

If he is a good and willing lover, you can also get him to tease you more - a long session with lots of clitoral stimulation might help. Some women take a long time - 45 minutes. There are a lot of guys who are very happy to play for extended periods of time, using fingers tongues and who knows what.

If your man is one of these guys, this might suit you better in the long run than the guy who turned you on a lot but had little technique and did not last long - you would probably find the orgasms died down a bit, once you got to know him and familiarity set in.


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## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> But a less Alpha man can still be an excellent lover, it's just that it takes time to click together.


thanks God because me and alpha males don't get along...so i guess there's hope for me and a less alpha or beta male...


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## LucyInSC (Dec 23, 2008)

Orgasms are a funny thing. The golden ring. But the more you think about it the more elusive they are! I'm 54 and having the best orgasms of my life. It takes knowing your own body. Being able to let go and communicate with your partner. Don't worry. It's not because you can only climax with one man. I used to think the same way when I was young. A sex therapist can really help if that is an option for you. Otherwise, experiment by yourself. Learn how to pleasure yourself. Then duplicate that with your partner. Relax. You will get there. Most important, you don't have to stay in a bad relationship to have good sex.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

T.O.girl-

Forgive me, I forgot to mention the most important thing: 

The fastest way to speed up the arrival of your orgasms is to clench and unclench your thighs during masturbation or sex. This is best practised solo first. Basically the muscle tension can be used to "pump up" you arousal level higher.

Imagine your arousal level goes from 0 to 10. 10 is orgasm. If you reach 10 - bingo! Clenching and un-clenching allows you to ratchet up your level, if it is used in conjunction with clitoral and vaginal stimulation.

Get yourself mildly aroused first - say 10 minutes of self pleasuring - then start the rhythmic clenching - hold for 5 secs. or so then release. Then wait 5 or 10 secs. and repeat.

Some women can cum from thigh clenching alone - especially if they are in the right mood.


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## lostluv (May 12, 2008)

T.O.girl-

IMO there is nothing wrong with you or your sexual abilities. You just have to become in tune with yourself. Learn what stimulates you best and what really gets you worked up.

I also have issues with orgasm, I am a control type person. I have realized that I have to stop controlling MYSELF and relax or I can not reach orgasm. I can get close, but the more I think about it or "try" to make it happen the more there is just no way it's going to.

One thing that I have learned, as several others have said, is how to bring myself to orgasm while masturbating. This took awhile, but I have learned. I have also realized that often when I get close I often will try to "run from" the stimulation and sensation. This, I am sure, is directly related to my fear of losing control.

My advice would be take time to get in sync with yourself and then take what you discover and apply it to you and your partner.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

:iagree:

This must be the experience of literally millions of women - once they see what is happening.


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## marlborolights (Jan 21, 2009)

I think the reason youre not orgasming is because you probably have "Oh God I hope I can orgasm this time Oh its probably not gonna happen am I gonna have to fake it is he gonna be upset etc" in the back of your mind. You have to be clear of all stress and other things in life when you wnt to orgasm. I orgasm fairly easy but it took lots of practice. I didnt have one for the first year of my marriage, not cos he didnt try...it was just me. But like the previous poster said, practice makes perfect. I dont think you have to be in love to have the orgasm or there wouldnt be so many one night stands. Or masturbation. I think you need to clear your head...and just practice. Even now, theres no way I can have one if I hear my kid awake in his crib or see the load of laundry that needs to be folded.
Good luck sweetie!


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## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

I went from never having orgasms to having multiple orgasms pretty much everytime. It was a mind set for me- I just had to relax, let go, and give in to it. Now if I don't have at least 2 or 3 it is a bit of a disappointment for both of us!! Just give in and go with it, enjoy the sensations, find what works for you. Good luck!!


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## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

marlborolights said:


> I orgasm fairly easy but it took lots of practice. I didnt have one for the first year of my marriage, not cos he didnt try...it was just me.


Interesting. was your husband your first?


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