# Housework - what's fair?



## Gord (Apr 3, 2014)

Situation: Married 30+ years, no kids left at home, wife decided to quit her job 4 years ago and i've continued to work. Prior to this we had an agreeable sharing of cooking, laundry and housework, which included seasonal yardwork as well as painting, repairs, etc. Since quitting her job my wife has stopped doing anything but vacuum 2 or 3 times a month, make dinner for the 2 of us 3 or 4 times a week (I make dinner for us 1 or 2 times a week). I make all other meals for myself. She does most but not all of the grocery shopping. I do my own laundry (since we were married) and she does her own plus the bedding. Sex has been absent for the past 8 years - I just gave up trying.

My problem: I feel like I'm being abused. i work 10-12 hours a day (including bus commute time), my social life is almost zero, the house is so dirty it stinks, my wife sleeps until 10 or 11am, watches TV, reads or goes to her bridge games or socializes with friends (at their house) most of the day. We've pretty well depleted all of our savings. We've had many discussions about her contribution to our home and relationship is out of balance and even though she agrees, nothing has changed. I'm ready to end the marriage because of this.

I'm looking for some opinions from both sexes, any age to guide me through this, whether it be finding a sustainable compromise that's fair and keeps us both happy, just moving out/separating or ??


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ummm... forget the housework. I'm more concerned that you haven't had sex in 8 years?!?!

I'd be packing my bags, moving along. Your wife sounds like a sloth who is completely taking advantage of you and giving you none of the benefits of marriage.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

She's not working, she's at home, she does everything in the house.

You're not working, you're at home, you do everything.

If your house stinks, you need to take her internet and TV off her, coz that's where all the time is going.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

No sex = huge red flag (8 years? jesus christ) How do you even put up with that? That's just crazy. She completely doesn't care about you or making sure her loved one is happy/satisfied. People that love you don't do that sort of thing IMO.

No work or financial contribution of any kinds = extreme financial negligence on her part.

You are being used and abused? You damn right you are.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I'd be worried about the depleted savings.

OP, you said you have talked, but have you talked about your feelings? Really shared your heart with her? Has she shared her heart with you?

Are you familiar with active listening, where you repeat back to your partner what she says to you, or better yet, you paraphrase it, reflecting the feeling back to her? This should make her feel listened to and understood, and make her willing to listen to you, too. The idea is to reach the deepest part of her heart, and see what is there. There may be a conflict that you could help her resolve.

Do you think she is depressed? Have you or she or both gone to counseling?

If the active listening does not work, and you don't want to try counseling, bringing up divorce might be your best option.

I would not want to be that close to retirement (10-15 years off?) with someone who has no financial sense. Sex is important in a marriage, and money is, too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, the spouse who is not working does the lion's share of housework and chores. Does not matter if the non-worker is male or female.. they do it to lighten the load of their working spouse.

In my book, her not doing her fair share, going through your savings, no sex... the marriage is broken, probably beyond repair.

Tell her that you want a divorce since she is not being a loving wife and help mate. If that does not shake her up, go through with the divorce.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

nikoled said:


> I don't work outside of the home (we still do have 3 kids at home so I have that), but I do probably 90% of our house. My husband does the outdoor work and helps with "projects" and home maintenance. Occasionally when we have been really busy or I've been sick or something I've requested a little help to get me caught up (like an hour of work with EVERYONE pitching in- not just husband- kids too). I think that doing nothing is unexcuseable. I do all of the errand running, gift buying, vacation planning, bill paying, cooking, laundry and almost all of the cleaning. My husband doesn't do his own laundry, but he does put his own laundry away (he is SOOOOO picky so I gave up  )


Funny, this is basically exact replica of our marriage/relationship past 18 years. We both do vacation planning and I do bill paying.

Same for entire laundry situation. Wait, are you my wife?

:rofl:

Our kids are heavily involved in cleaning and that has taken a bit of load of my wife.

I feel like I have an easy job providing/going to work , wife has the hard job. 

But that's ending as our youngest is now 8. She has been putting in 8-10 hours a week working though. Her not going to school/working towards a career has been an issue...and continues to be.

:scratchhead:


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I have to add this to my post.

If my significant other is not intimate, can't contribute financially (which btw are both deal breakers, especially combined) and they have the F balls to "just vacuum 2-3 a month" (please tell me it's more than that).........AT THE VERY LEAST i would be holding a F vacuum next to their head....for hours at a time until they boil over.....in pain....and leave my surrounding.

Pardon my language....


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

8 years... Would be the death of me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> 8 years... Would be the death of me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If both work it should be equitable. 

Since she doesnt she should run the house. 

You have every right to lay hard boundaries in your situation
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Gord,

What is your goal regarding this issue? Be specific. ("her doing more house cleaning" is not specific. "her making sure no dirt or stuff on the floor, when I am back home" is specific.)
Write down two according to importance.
1.
2.


-What have you done to achieve this? Have you talked to her, how did it go?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

Gord said:


> Situation: Married 30+ years, no kids left at home, wife decided to quit her job 4 years ago and i've continued to work. Prior to this we had an agreeable sharing of cooking, laundry and housework, which included seasonal yardwork as well as painting, repairs, etc. Since quitting her job my wife has stopped doing anything but vacuum 2 or 3 times a month, make dinner for the 2 of us 3 or 4 times a week (I make dinner for us 1 or 2 times a week). I make all other meals for myself. She does most but not all of the grocery shopping. I do my own laundry (since we were married) and she does her own plus the bedding. Sex has been absent for the past 8 years - I just gave up trying.
> 
> My problem: I feel like I'm being abused. i work 10-12 hours a day (including bus commute time), my social life is almost zero, the house is so dirty it stinks, my wife sleeps until 10 or 11am, watches TV, reads or goes to her bridge games or socializes with friends (at their house) most of the day. We've pretty well depleted all of our savings. We've had many discussions about her contribution to our home and relationship is out of balance and even though she agrees, nothing has changed. I'm ready to end the marriage because of this.
> 
> I'm looking for some opinions from both sexes, any age to guide me through this, whether it be finding a sustainable compromise that's fair and keeps us both happy, just moving out/separating or ??


Your wife's behavior is completely lazy and selfish. I don't blame you for wanting to divorce her. I always say that those who do not work outside the home should handle the housework. If one partner works less hours, he or she should take on more chores. 
If both partners work full time then housework should be divided evenly. 

I don't understand wives who have good husbands yet refuse to take care of them. I do housework and cooking for my husband because he spoils me. It makes my husband feel loved when he has a decent meal at the end of the day. 

You and your wife have been together for a very long time. Can you have a serious discussion with her? Be firm and clear about your expectations, as well as the consequences.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You are in a bad spot. Her not working for four years means you'll be utterly screwed over when it comes to alimony.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Of course, if she controls the finances now, you could wind up better of, having complete control over 50% beats no control over 100%.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Ummm... forget the housework. I'm more concerned that you haven't had sex in 8 years?!?!


You beat me to it - I was about to say the very same thing.

OP, it sounds like you don't have a marriage. Instead of a wife you have a slacker roommate. Have you tried marriage counseling? At least give that a shot before throwing in the towel.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Unless there is some medical (physical or emotional) reason for you wife’s behavior then it is not acceptable.


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

What are her reasons for not having sex?

What are her reasons for not working?

Why don't you give her a weekly allowance so that she won't have too much money to spend on eating out and playing bridge?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

jld said:


> I'd be worried about the depleted savings.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



This+++++

My inner Warren Buffet trumps my inner Christian Gray any time. 

You will have plenty of time for sex at 65 once you live under a bridge.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think she needs to go back to work. Obviously she is not using her time constructively by looking after children or the house or anything. You should tell her to either go back to work or get out imo. You aren't there for her to mooch off you; a marriage is meant to be a partnership.

Why don't you try writing down what you think your ideal marriage would be like: frequent and fulfilling sex, equal effort put in, financial security, both working towards a comfortable retirement at 6x (not one retiring early and the other slaving like a dog for the rest of their life). Then ask her what her ideal marriage entails. If it directly opposes what yours is, such as, 'rarely having sex', doing nothing much with her days, living off one income, retiring early while her partner continues working etc, then you know where you stand.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Gord said:


> Situation: Married 30+ years, no kids left at home, wife decided to quit her job 4 years ago and i've continued to work. Prior to this we had....


Clearly this is not reasonable, as it has been presented. You know this and post here for reinforcement on this matter, which suggests a lack of confidence on your part. Do not worry, that is natural, a reasonable person questions whether they are being reasonable. Eight years without sex also leaves a man feeling worthless.

There will probably be a few more posts wondering whether your wife is depressed. If she is, her depression will not be helped by her slouching around and feeling worthless. For both your sakes, she should get off her bum. 

The big three things in a marriage are sex/intimacy, money and kids. I imagine that the kids have gone, sex has certainly gone and the money is disappearing. You would on the surface both be better off single as you would have a better life and she might have her arse kicked into gear.

I am not saying leave, I am saying get comfortable with the idea and realise that you are staying by choice. Also realise, that by looking after her, you are allowing her to continue self-destructive habits of lazing around. 

She will most likely tell you that she does a huge amount around the house, is looking for a job and that sex is a mutual problem. She will probably believe it. It is just a thing they say.


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## Gord (Apr 3, 2014)

Thanks everyone for your comments. I made a couple of attempts to talk about how I feel and how we should see a counselor but it was a waste of time with her denying everything and saying it was all my fault. I moved out two weeks ago and I feel so much better about my life. I know there's going to be bumps until this is all over but it will be worth the grief.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Gord said:


> Situation: Married 30+ years, no kids left at home, wife decided to quit her job 4 years ago and i've continued to work. Prior to this we had an agreeable sharing of cooking, laundry and housework, which included seasonal yardwork as well as painting, repairs, etc. Since quitting her job my wife has stopped doing anything but vacuum 2 or 3 times a month, make dinner for the 2 of us 3 or 4 times a week (I make dinner for us 1 or 2 times a week). I make all other meals for myself. She does most but not all of the grocery shopping. I do my own laundry (since we were married) and she does her own plus the bedding. Sex has been absent for the past 8 years - I just gave up trying.
> 
> My problem: I feel like I'm being abused. i work 10-12 hours a day (including bus commute time), my social life is almost zero, the house is so dirty it stinks, my wife sleeps until 10 or 11am, watches TV, reads or goes to her bridge games or socializes with friends (at their house) most of the day. We've pretty well depleted all of our savings. We've had many discussions about her contribution to our home and relationship is out of balance and even though she agrees, nothing has changed. I'm ready to end the marriage because of this.
> 
> I'm looking for some opinions from both sexes, any age to guide me through this, whether it be finding a sustainable compromise that's fair and keeps us both happy, just moving out/separating or ??


You been married 30 years and have grown kids - considering seperating because of this??? - I agree it might be a little annoying but hire a housekeeper, you guys have earned it!!


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Gord said:


> Thanks everyone for your comments. I made a couple of attempts to talk about how I feel and how we should see a counselor but it was a waste of time with her denying everything and saying it was all my fault. I moved out two weeks ago and I feel so much better about my life. I know there's going to be bumps until this is all over but it will be worth the grief.


I am sorry to hear that buddy - hope you guys can fix whats wrong


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Gord said:


> Situation: Married 30+ years, no kids left at home, wife decided to quit her job 4 years ago and i've continued to work. Prior to this we had an agreeable sharing of cooking, laundry and housework, which included seasonal yardwork as well as painting, repairs, etc. Since quitting her job my wife has stopped doing anything but vacuum 2 or 3 times a month, make dinner for the 2 of us 3 or 4 times a week (I make dinner for us 1 or 2 times a week). I make all other meals for myself. She does most but not all of the grocery shopping. I do my own laundry (since we were married) and she does her own plus the bedding. Sex has been absent for the past 8 years - I just gave up trying.
> 
> My problem: I feel like I'm being abused. i work 10-12 hours a day (including bus commute time), my social life is almost zero, the house is so dirty it stinks, my wife sleeps until 10 or 11am, watches TV, reads or goes to her bridge games or socializes with friends (at their house) most of the day. We've pretty well depleted all of our savings. We've had many discussions about her contribution to our home and relationship is out of balance and even though she agrees, nothing has changed. I'm ready to end the marriage because of this.
> 
> I'm looking for some opinions from both sexes, any age to guide me through this, whether it be finding a sustainable compromise that's fair and keeps us both happy, just moving out/separating or ??


Move out. Let her figure out how to get by without you. Maybe she'll get her head out of her ass and come back to you.


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