# I still don't know how to cope



## Heartbrokensmc91 (May 4, 2016)

Okay so this is going to be long. My husband and I both started playing an online game well over a year ago, maybe Even two. This game is one where you can communicate with your team in a main chat and has a private chat function. We were both on the same "team" and I never once thought any trouble could come from it. I've always trusted him completely never ever thought he would be unfaithful. With the game we also have a messaging app where you can send texts or call without having someone's phone number to communicate with our team. Again nothing bothered me about this either.

Well back in May or June of last year he sent me screen shots when I wasn't home of a private chat in the game where a woman got sexual with him. I was like omg what is she doing he said he was blocking her after that. Then one day he shows me a picture of a woman's butt in just a thong and says now that crazy woman is sending this to the messaging app. I didn't think anything of it, I mean he had showed me. He tells me he blocked her a couple days later when he figured out how to do so. 

End of July rolls around and our anniversary is the next day. He said something in a public chat for all teams to see about the following day being our anniversary. Day of our anniversary I get a random message on the messaging app from this woman. She said aren't you ____'s wife. I say yes and she says you know he was sending me all kinds of stuff. My stomach dropped. I asked for proof and she sent me screen shots, she'd sent him all kinds of pics and he'd sent fake pics of some random penis as well as one of him holding his through his shorts. All kinds of vulgar messages were exchanged between the two starting with the picture of her bare butt. It was nauseating. I immediately went to him and started yelling, he tried to apologize and I just avoided him for the whole day and ended up leaving the next for a day or two. 

He kissed my ass for a long while and though I wasn't completely over it things were okay. Now fast forward to a couple weeks ago, I came across a woman asking for him in the game and I sent her a message letting him know he had quit the game. She was very weird with her response and something seemed off, so I signed onto his account that he'd quit playing on and pretended to be him just started some small talk. Long story short I found out quickly that this was another situation much like the first. She sent me (as his m) some very sexual messages and asked how many "side pieces" he had. 

Now he hadn't played the game much in a while at this point and before that I know he hadn't spoken to this woman. They'd chatted for a while and from what I had seen it was just friendly chatter nothing to bother me. I have no idea how long ago he was sexual with her, it could have been last year it could have been a couple months ago. I confronted him and he said she's crazy that's why he hadn't spoken to her and that I shouldn't be freaking out about it. He seems to think neither of this is a big deal because it was someone far far away who he has never met in person. 

The thing is, I'm still not over the first one and now to find out there is a second one. I find myself angry and hurting all the time and I don't know how to handle it. How do I move past this? How can I ever trust again?


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

I'm sorry but you'll never be able to ever trust him completely, ever again.

You've entered a new phase of your marriage, and unfortunately things will never, ever be the same.

They can't be.

In fact, if he refuses to show remorse and continues to downplay what he has done, and doesn't see what is so very wrong with it, your marriage is headed for real trouble. 

Fixing this thing will require much more help than you can get here, although the support will be good for you. He needs to be willing to cooperate, and discuss this issue with an impartial, unbiased 3rd party, typically a licensed therapist but short of that, a good friend or perhaps a family member will suffice at least for the short term.

This cannot be swept under the rug but of course you already know this. He of course, does not..


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## Heartbrokensmc91 (May 4, 2016)

I reached the point where it was talk about it or I couldn't take it anymore tonight. I finally got him to talk about it, got a bunch of questions and feelings out but he says after tonight he doesn't want to hear another word about it and keep dwelling on his mistake and bringing back the guilt each time. 

I can sort of understand that but at the same time I'm not sure how I'm suppose to just be over my feelings


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

MC? Rug-sweeping = lose.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

You only found out about two. And they were hot and heavy. Prepare yourself for what you may find. I thank god every day my wife hasn't yet figures out my secret second life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He doesn't want you to talk about it to him anymore?

Too bad. 

He needs counselling for his addictive behaviour.

If he doesn't acknowledged that there's a problem with his behaviour you should consider your position as his behaviour will worsen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

My ex was like this, but on social media rather then online games. We moved to a different country, and he was messaging girls back home (whom he hadn't seen in years, and who he probably would never see again) and also local girls. It was horrible. We worked it out, and just before our wedding he decided to call it quits. He had another women in less then a week. Once the trust is broken, you never get it back. Even with time. You just learn to live with the new normal. And it's hard. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Heartbrokensmc91 said:


> I reached the point where it was talk about it or I couldn't take it anymore tonight. I finally got him to talk about it, got a bunch of questions and feelings out but he says after tonight he doesn't want to hear another word about it and keep dwelling on his mistake and bringing back the guilt each time.
> 
> I can sort of understand that but at the same time I'm not sure how I'm suppose to just be over my feelings


HE doesn't want to hear another word about it?!!! F what he wants. What he wants is to sweep this under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. Which either means there is more you don't know, or he will repeat this again in the future (or worse). 

You get to decide when to stop bringing this up. He made the mistake. He could have prevented the whole need to 'dwell on his mistake' by not making the mistake. That was his chance to decide. Now it's yours. You can't just 'be over your feelings'. They don't work that way. If you have the willpower, you could probably suppress talking about those feelings. But that will just lead to resentment and anger. 

Telling you to not bring up your feelings again because of how it makes him feel is controling. It's manipulation. Don't fall for that crap.

I let my XW get away with that crap over some facebook sexting. I lived in misery for 2 years, then caught her in a PA. Don't let this pass in silence. Speak up about your feelings. Let him get angry, hurt. Don't feel bad if he cries. Be ready to run or have some back up if he is the type that gets violent when angry. If he is hiding more than you know, pushing past his controlling behavior is going to p1ss him off. Be safe, but be strong.

If it pushes him away, you don't have a marriage to save. He hurt you and betrayed your trust. If he is truly 'sorry', he should show it by doing anything it takes to help you heal. Watch his actions, don't listen to his words. Talk is cheap.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Heartbrokensmc91 said:


> I reached the point where it was talk about it or I couldn't take it anymore tonight. I finally got him to talk about it, got a bunch of questions and feelings out but he says after tonight he doesn't want to hear another word about it and keep dwelling on his mistake and bringing back the guilt each time.
> 
> I can sort of understand that but at the same time I'm not sure how I'm suppose to just be over my feelings




So, I guess you don't talk about it anymore, I mean it's just going to hurt you, he will be ashamed and hurt. Oh, and plus he CAME to you after someone became crazy and inappropriate, correct? Oh, wait a second, a second crazy female also came forward about him. See, now I understand, you should be quiet and not talk about this again or you will find more females he had inappropriate contact with and then you'll be hurt more. See, this is how this goes and you have no idea how many there truly are. I'm sure if you ask your husband he will tell you he didn't tell you of the second female to keep from hurting you. A great guy in my book, take deception to a new level by saying some crazy female is sending me this stuff so I'm blocking her. Too bad he didn't become a man at that point and admit the truth. 

Acoa said it best, this is up to you, you do what you need to do to heal. If it means talking about then that's what you do. Next time he says that tell him to no. Tell him we wouldn't need to talk about this but he is sending pornagraphic pictures to other women. Then he doubles down on deception to paint him as a saint by blocking her when he was just as guilty. Ask him what he would need if you did this. No, you tell him to be a man right now, disclose all his inappropriate dealings or you head to a lawyer. If your gut says he isn't truthful, believe your gut. Your husband is lying and can't be trusted.

Ask your husband how much trust you should be having in him right now. If he says anything more then one percent then he is still lying, you don't have the full truth. Make him nervous, be firm and very direct, ask him how many and why this happened. 

As for getting trust back, many here including me can tell you how to get trust back. But nobody has told you that yet, have they? That's because you don't have the full truth, and if you find another female it will destroy any attempt to get any kind of trust again. Therefore you need to get the full story or rather as much of the full story you can get. Until the wound stops bleeding it can't begin to heal. Work on this first, then begin the steps to try to heal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

What is with these online games?? They have broken up other couples I know. But they never divulged what these games were. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Heartbrokensmc91 (May 4, 2016)

These online games seem to be a playground for cheaters. One of the women I actually spoke to and she said she didn't mean to hurt me but she's in a ****yy marriage and likes to get attention from other men and the ones that are married make her feel more special because they'd betray their spouse to get into it with her


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Heartbrokensmc91 said:


> These online games seem to be a playground for cheaters. One of the women I actually spoke to and she said she didn't mean to hurt me but she's in a ****yy marriage and likes to get attention from other men and the ones that are married make her feel more special because they'd betray their spouse to get into it with her




Don't believe this too much, she may be in a marriage just like yours, and she is getting external validation from other men. How does she look to you now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> What is with these online games?? They have broken up other couples I know. But they never divulged what these games were.


Asteroids, Space Invaders, Galaga.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@Mclane thank you. Never heard of any of these lol! What ever happened to couples watching films together! 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Sigh, I am living through this right now. Clash of clans was our game and she sent plenty of sex pictures and sex talk and stuff that would turn me on if I didn't know it was her. I don't know if I can ever get over it, I am heart broken. She wants to reconcile (but we have many other issues) but I don't know if I can ever feel like I can trust her. Or that she put me as the other man. And continued to do it after I found out. Even a little.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@Herschel your SO did the same? And you started off playing this game together? And she sent naked pics to OM? 

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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> @Herschel your SO did the same? And you started off playing this game together? And she sent naked pics to OM?
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


Yeah, check out my thread, online games and my life. Her daughter got us into it, we played with the family, very pg and then got bored with that, kids stopped playing so we bounced around adult clans. We have always bantered great and had a great time, and eventually after 2 years, she went to a different clan and well, that's that. We had other issues, but I would have never have figured this. I felt it from day one and was very suspicious, but never though about something like this. For over a month, naked pictures and really raunchy talk that I wish I was having with her. Her temperament got even worse during this time and eventually I got in her phone and she had the app locked (not the game, but an app where you talk to people). Fortunately, she accidentally took screen shots and there were like 100 naked picutre of her. She even had sent a couple to me...gee thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> @Mclane thank you. Never heard of any of these lol! What ever happened to couples watching films together!
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


Those games are REALLY old simple classic arcade style games with basic graphics and not the type that people get addicted to. The "relationship destroyers" are the multiplayer online games where you compete with real people and the graphics are so well designed and intense that it's about as close to real life as you can get. 

I'm not really speaking from experience here I just play the old stuff but I've read tons about it and I can understand why people get hooked. It's like a drug.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MrsAldi said:


> @Mclane thank you. Never heard of any of these lol! What ever happened to couples watching films together!
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


I think he was joking! 

Games that seem to be used by cheaters are World of Warcraft and Second Life.

Here's an interesting article Is your spouse cheating online?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@MattMatt thank you, my brain still cannot understand how people play these games & then exchange nude pics! I'm obviously not of the Millennial generation! I'm a 29 year old dinosaur! 

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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MrsAldi said:


> @MattMatt thank you, my brain still cannot understand how people play these games & then exchange nude pics! I'm obviously not of the Millennial generation! I'm a 29 year old dinosaur!
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


Heck. I am nearly 59! So you can imagine how much like a dinosaur* I* feel!


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## Heartbrokensmc91 (May 4, 2016)

Im sorry you've had the same thing happen. For me it was fake of war which is very similar to clash of clans :-(


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@Heartbrokensmc91 Hi your husband betrayed you on the mad online crazy games. He may have be only "messing around" with this mad nudist in his mind but he engaged with her nonetheless. 
If you both want to save your marriage, throw whatever this gaming app thing is in the bin. (delete it) 
To bring back trust & intimacy, try going for a long walks (no phones) this will encourage communication for both of you. 
Have dates nights & watch movies (no phones again)
See if this could work for you guys. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

My online gaming was damaging to my relationship. Even trying to save my relationship - I deleted those games off my computer. I retired from them. Even after our breakup and such, I have NOT reinstalled those games.

BTW, I wasn't the cheater - but I played games rather than spend more time with my wife - when I should have.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

I'm not defending what he did at all. It's one thing to talk junk to someone online but it's entirely different when you carry on a quasi relationship with somebody and send naked pictures of yourself to them. That said, when most men get married they have to consciously suppress their desire to meet and have sex with other women. I don't care how good your marriage is or how good you think your husband is we are all the same. The difference between those of us who are faithful and those of us who aren't is that us faithful guys are smart enough to know that a temporary side piece is not worth screwing up our lives. I say all this because your husband views this differently because he did not pursue this lady, he has never met or tried to meet her and probably never would and most of all, he never had sex with her. What's really going on here is that he is trying to be faithful to you, in his mind, while also addressing his inner urge to experience other women. It's wrong and the fact that he keeps doing it after you have made it crystal clear that you don't like it makes it worse. If I were you I would tell him that you no longer trust him and that if he wants to continue this marriage he will have to EARN your trust back. I would also give him an ultimatum. I would tell him that he can either choose online gaming or you. Make him choose and own his choice.


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