# Impending fitness test from wife re. her cancelling night out.



## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

Hey folks, apologies if this drags, but it'd be good for you to share some stories and thoughts on the following potential fitness test scenario: My wife was due to attend a restaurant meal this evening with a number of fellow mothers, as an end-of-school year get together - the situation is we only have a small amount of money left today until I get paid on Friday. (Credit card, borrowing money and a loan are absolutely not an option). There's more than enough money for her to go out, have a drink, meal, AND pay for car parking (she ain't staying out late + no taxi needed). There would definitely be money left over from it. She'd even bought a nice, cut price dress for the occasion. She's had a tough time lately being a SAHM and I've encouraged her to go and have a nice time. She's more than earned it, IMO.

Now, however, she has decided in her head that we don't have enough money to pay for her night out, and is going to make an excuse up and tell the other moms that she isn't going. Now, I've said repeatedly that there is ample money for her to go out and have a social drink and meal with other mothers - But I then got the usual 'I always have to sacrifice the things I want to do' mantra from her, and I get the feeling she's trying to turn it round on me. When I get home, it's clearly gonna be the main thing she goes on about.

First and foremost, I am NOT rising to the bait. 2 weeks ago, I would have, but not any more. I'm entirely blameless in this, so am not apologising, or grovelling to her at all. And now that she's not going, I know for a fact she'll end up sat on the couch this evening, moaning about how she never gets to go out / how she's so hard done by / how it's always HER who has to sacrifice what she wants to do - I actually intend to be out of the room doing my own thing, as it will be mostly unbearable!

Although I know not to rise to the bait and handle this as a man... is this just a classic fitness test from a wife - i.e. a problem of her own creation, which is used as any excuse to have a go at a blameless husband and turn the situation onto him? Do you guys have similar stories and experiences to share?


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

First you say small amount of money... then you say there will be ample left after her night out... well which is it? Because a small amount of money to one person means that you don't splurge like that at all, just in case of an emergency (IE flat tire) been there done that and learned the hard way that "ample" wasn't so ample afterall... I'm sorry I get so tired of reading of how anyone who is doing those MMSL or Man up things views everything their wives do as fitness tests.... I believe your wife was genuinely not feeling like it was okay for her to spend the money, regardless of what she said, she had thoughts in her head that it was not okay, and maybe you should ask the reasons... then she wouldn't grovel, she would get the conversation from you, that she was seeking from the other women anyway... socialization is socialization, and maybe you would learn some insight into your wife instead of viewing something so simple as a "test".


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

why not sit her down and be all ears and ask her why she is upset and in particular why she felt she could not go? 

when she tells you listen. If you guys have a proper conversation she should come to realize she could of gone (she knows this) but something about it made it not sit right in her head. Also because of maybe what you said in the past she may have felt you would of preferred she had not gone and she gotten that message. 

Talk

and when you guys get more money plan a special date/trip for both of you and say next time she can go with her friends. Talk about what you both need to do to get through this.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Here's my guess as to what's going on, and this comes from experience. As a "nice guy", in the past when she has spent money you didn't want her to spend on things you saw as unnecessary, you made a big stink about it, moaned on and on about it and then probably gave in and let her spend it anyway. Or maybe you didn't let her spend it. Either way you made a stink about it, got moody and resentful.

Now you tell her go ahead, the money is there. Spend it! It's like a trap. If she spends it, what kind of grief does she feel like she's going to get?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Ah the lets create a reason for a pity party and you get to be the bad guy. Got it.

The solution is quite simple. Agree with her with all the sincerity you can muster. No sarcasm allowed. "You're absolutely right. I agree it's terrible that you never get to go out. It must be awful to sacrifice like you do. I don't know how you do it. I'd feel bad if I were you too"

Nod and agree.

.....THEN go about your business with a smile on her face. She's getting some sort of payoff for this behavior and my guess is yes it's to punish you. Do this often and you'll take it's power away.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that it's not wise to try to guess your wife's motives. Others have given good reason why she feels that spending money when you have almost nothing till payday is not wise. 

Why not take what she says for face value. Do as other's have suggested. Talk to her and actually listen. Do not try to fix anything. Do not try to convince her of your point of view. Just listen and tell her that her point of view makes sense. 

To assume that your wife's actions/thoughts, etc are a fitness test is really insulting to her. It's painting her as a biatch.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I agree that it's not a fitness test. She's just a whiner.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

If your wife has healthy boundaries and was seriously worried about the financial situation, she would be working shoulder to shoulder with you on improving the situation. And a massive part of that improvement would be self denial and delayed gratification. You simply wait until you can afford to do what you want to do, to buy what you want to buy etc. Very well done for not going down the credit card route, millions have falling fail of that particular path.

If you were shoulder to shoulder as responsible adults, both of you would know exactly what the income and expenditure is, importantly what the budget is and what the saving plan is. But that doesn’t seem to be the case and hence your wife needs your approval to go out for a night. It shouldn’t be that way, if she has the money to spend on a night out, or on something else, then it becomes her choice and her choice alone. Get her responsibly involved with the finances, if you can.

If your wife is financially responsible then she is self denying. Which is excellent and you should say so. And she would be a woman to give financial responsibility to, assuming you’re the breadwinner.


On the other hand, some people go to quite elaborate lengths to set things up to make it look like they’re a “victim”. It’s all part of the victim’s dysfunctional “game” playing. Take a look at Karpman drama triangle - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia and search the page for “game” to see what I mean.

If she isn’t and wont become responsibly involved with the finances then that would be a sure sign that she has a victim personality because she’s putting all of the financial responsibility on you. And one of the outcomes of that is that she can then play the game of the victim instead of a responsible adult.

If she does have the victim personality then you do have a very serious and very big problem on your hand. You will also have covert (passive) aggression in your marriage, it’s aggression designed to wound you without it being seen. That’s an exceedingly serious problem.

If you are expecting a storm tonight, just go out and let it blow itself out for a bit.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

If your wife does have a victim personality, then it’s not a fitness test in the way you are thinking. It will be an act of aggression. Not an overt, very obvious physical act of aggression using fists to hurt and wound but a covert, psychological act of aggression designed to hurt and wound.

There are a few women on TAM who mention a woman’s ability to get “under their husband’s skin" and in PMs to me. My wife was an absolute master at it, she drove me nuts at times.

I think getting under the skin is a nice, acceptable term for it, kind of politically correct. Covert (passive) aggression is a well thought out, pre planned and implemented act of aggression designed to wound using psychology and emotions. But doesn’t it just sound so terrible when put that way!

And the ability to be covertly aggressive exists in men as well. But if you do not use covert aggression and your wife does, you wont have a clue what’s going on as it takes a totally different, even opposite, mind set.


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## Cam33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I didn't understand some of the lingo "fitness test" for example, I take it you do not mean an actual physical fitness test.

But you seem to think your Wife has a bad motive. I think it is more that she knows money is tight and feels guilty of putting a large proportion of it to a night out.

If she moans at other times about lack of funds, it is probably because she is trying to encourage you to make more (which I think is hard for you to hear and unfair) or she is just expressing frustration at not having money.

She is not trying to make you feel bad, just expressing that she wishes she had more. We all do this sometimes. 

Don't you sometimes see someone with a nice car, house, boat and wish you could win the lottery?!


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> To assume that your wife's actions/thoughts, etc are a fitness test is really insulting to her. It's painting her as a biatch.


On the other hand, nearly all women seem to put their men through fitness tests and ignoring that fact will likely land you in hell.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Maybe she resents the fact that you guys have to pinch pennies all the time, and resents the fact that you are basically giving her permission to spend money that you also say you don't have just so she can go have a good time. Maybe she's tired of things having to come to sacrifices in order to go out and have a good time every once in a while. 

Is the SAHM thing something she agrees with; i.e. did you not want her to work and does she want to work? Do you have arguments about not having enough money for stuff? Are you the kind of person who will act like such a giver and persuade her to go out, then bring it up later in a money argument to use against her?


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Drover said:


> On the other hand, nearly all women seem to put their men through fitness tests and ignoring that fact will likely land you in hell.


I'm sorry...what, exactly, is a fitness test?


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## Mr_brown (Oct 17, 2011)

DayDream said:


> I'm sorry...what, exactly, is a fitness test?


 Some Common Fitness Tests… And What Isn’t A Fitness Test | Married Man Sex Life


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sometimes people just behave badly.

This is one of those times.

Give defiant people what they want.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Mr_brown said:


> Some Common Fitness Tests… And What Isn’t A Fitness Test | Married Man Sex Life


Interesting however that some things on there men view as "tests" now the whole ignoring phone calls, totally get it, sex as a weapon, totally get, but some of the others, I don't see as "testing" my husband but I don't really do them anyway... I guess to each their own, but it does say emotional on there... but it doesn't mention money... oddly enough. So what your thoughts in this situation, given the OP stated they didn't have much money to begin with....we have all I'm sure been in one situation or another where we thought we had enough money and we thought we could splurge just a little on me time, and then something else happened and we learned we shouldn't have had that little splurge. 
OP: How did your wife act when you got home? Was she whiney? Did you tell her that she made the decision despite you saying she should go? What was her reaction? Did you hear her out or ignore her? I'm just curious how others handle things..


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I would figure that whatever she might say, she really doesn't want to go out without you. Cancel the mom's club and go out by yourselves


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Mr_brown said:


> Some Common Fitness Tests… And What Isn’t A Fitness Test | Married Man Sex Life


Wow...what a load of crap. I'm surprised men actually buy into this type of self help garbage. Really?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Yeah really.... funny how asking a favor is now labeled as a sstuupid test of sorts...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr_brown (Oct 17, 2011)

Fitness tests start out... Cook dinner once then all the time, laundry, vacuuming, lawn care... I view them as push and pull if a SO is sitting around all day and hashing out ” orders” and is doing nothing in return then the husband has failed all of the tests. If there is something that I am clearly better at then I do it (heavy lifting, lawn care, home repairs, electronics etc.) but if she's asking for stuff just to be lazy then I don't go for it. So I judge fitness tests from the lazy angle. And if she's been taking care of stuff all day or not feeling well, I try to make her evening a little more relaxed... And I expect the same in return., which I feel in everyone's case shouldn't be unrealistic.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Whether or not some want to believe it, most women put their males through " fitness tests." Sometimes consciously,and other times unconsciously. It how they determine the rank of their man. It makes them more sexually attracted of less sexually attracted to their man.

Men do the same, but in a different way. The use it to gauge their woman's " tolerance level."
It makes a man respect a woman more or loose respect for her.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Whether or not some want to believe it, most women put their males through " fitness tests." *Sometimes consciously,and other times unconsciously.* It how they determine the rank of their man. It makes them more sexually attracted of less sexually attracted to their man.
> 
> Men do the same, but in a different way. The use it to gauge their woman's " tolerance level."
> It makes a man respect a woman more or loose respect for her.


This. Most women (no, not all) do this to some extent. And even the women who call the whole notion of fitness tests a load of bullsh*t could probably think about it and come up with a time in the recent past they've given their man some grief he didn't deserve without really knowing why they were doing it. And those that don't, it's usually not because they never have. It's because they're at a point in their relationship where they don't feel an emotional need to do so.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

If an SO is sitting around all day hashing out orders then imo they are just narcissistic control freaks. You can label anything you want as some sort of so called test if you want but to me that's a pretty sad way to live. Soon even if she or he did something like bake you cookies just because she or he felt like it... instead of sitting there enjoying the cookies your going to asssume its a test of sorts.... then she or he will most likely become insecure because she or he will sit there wondering what they can do without it being looked at as some kind of stupid test. To me, all this so called fitness or shyt test thing is just plain out paranoia that just brings about paranoia. Its like saying an apple is red because dolphins swim by boats. That is just my view on this matter and I know its not a view that's shared but like I said, its my view.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

To me fitness test = someone behaving badly. Period end of story. And this isn't exclusive of females men are capable of doing it too. I've read plenty of stories on here of women making the money, doing all the housework/child rearing while their husband spends money, goes out with the guys and watches a gazillion hours of tv.

I think men use fitness test simply as a humorous way of dealing with being treated badly.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> To me fitness test = someone behaving badly. Period end of story.
> I think men use fitness test simply as a humorous way of dealing with being treated badly.


That makes more sense in my mind. Thanks for that mavash.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Gaia said:


> If an SO is sitting around all day hashing out orders then imo they are just narcissistic control freaks. You can label anything you want as some sort of so called test if you want but to me that's a pretty sad way to live. Soon even if she or he did something like bake you cookies just because she or he felt like it... instead of sitting there enjoying the cookies your going to asssume its a test of sorts.... then she or he will most likely become insecure because she or he will sit there wondering what they can do without it being looked at as some kind of stupid test. To me, all this so called fitness or shyt test thing is just plain out paranoia that just brings about paranoia. Its like saying an apple is red because dolphins swim by boats. That is just my view on this matter and I know its not a view that's shared but like I said, its my view.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My thoughts exactly.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I almost cancelled a night out last night...we really don't have the money. But, I took 10 bucks and bought one drink. But had I cancelled, it wouldn't have been a shet test...


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