# Pregnant, Separated and Confused



## threeboysofmyown

Hello all,

This is my first post. I've been married for seven years but I've been with my husband for 10. We have two sons and another on the way. He is in law enforcement and his work schedule has not been so great. I would say we have had problems in our marriage before our marriage. He is secretive, very private when it comes to finances, credit issues, etc. Whenever I found anything, I would have to pay it off for him. Whenever I expressed my feelings of being unhappy with the marriage, he would blow up and say I always talk "negative." His family is very secretive also (well from me I guess). He's been in situations where he's leased an apartment for his younger brother who lives here, uses pay-day loans, and sends money to his mother all of the time. Anyway, back to the work schedule. If he works a shift and comes home four hours after the shift, I am always concerned. Coming home in the middle of the morning affected my sleep as well as the boys (4 and 5 yrs old). Being 7 months pregnant, it didn't help the stress I am already feeling. Well Wed. morning he came in at 1:30 am and we had an argument because the kids woke up and were hungry. He gave them popcorn. I told him they would choke on it if they went back to sleep. He got upset and blew up. So I ended up giving the kids something else and put them back to bed. Later on, I told him maybe he should leave. Before we could finish the conversation, the kids came in the room and we stopped talking. The next day while I was at work, I tried to call him. He already made arrangements to move in with a co-worker and was gone by the time I got home. He took all of his belongings. Everything. My oldest son is developmentally delayed so he doesn't really notice what's going on. But my 4 yr old noticed right away that Daddy's car is not here and where is he? I didn't know the impact it would have on them. Then again, we never finished talking that morning and I didn't think he would move out that quickly. I have been depressed, not eating, sleeping and not wanting this third baby I am carrying. He came over today to take the boys out, but he is not talking to me. I also have to beg him to call them at night so they can sleep a little bit better. Don't know what to do because I've brought up counseling in the past, but we never go. I don't know if this separation is going to be permanent or not. Just the thought of having this baby alone is depressing enough. I wonder if I should start looking for a lawyer or a counselor. I can't even pray right now.


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## publicme

Sorry, I can't offer any advice but this man sounds like a beast. I feel sorry for you. For him to treat his wife like this, and while you're having his third baby... He needs some serious religion!


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## threeboysofmyown

It's going just about the same with me and my husband. I don't know where my husband and I stand. He comes every morning takes the boys to school, but there is still no real communication between us. I went to the doctor this morning and they said I lost 3 lbs. You're not suppose to lose weight with pregnancy. I am worried but I am giong to try to focus and eat more. My due date is May 19. He doesn't even come to appts with me. Today is his birthday and I made sure the boys gave him a card and I gave him one too. No real appreciation. I don't think he's coming home.


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## 63Vino

hi,

Sorry so much .. not good timing and very uncaring.

Sounds like he has a HUGE ego and anything that threatens it, he unleashes the fury... He's being a huge baby so maybe you have 4 boys on your hands. I think you need support. You should be seeing a counselor to help get and keep perspective and in your condition you should not be putting up with the giant baby.. I know you love him and want him there for the boys but he's not .... whether he's in the house or not.

Maybe write him a nice letter... jsut let him know that you love him and what you want. Tell him that he is hurting you and the boys and until he is ready to work with you to get your happy family back he can just stay away.

He needs to sign up for counseling.. Im afraid based on what you wrote he's too tough for that. Something needs to wake him up. Does hea have any brothers with a softer touch? a friend? Anyone who can talk him down a bit... he seems way too aggravated. Often we men keep stuff inside and feel (unconciously) that we need to... we're afraid of letting it out. So we run, scream yell... all that. trick is to get him to stay calm long enough to help him realize he's being a caveman and that its ok to be open about things, infact it will be a great thing for him if he can. 

Big question is... can he be happy and does he want all this with you. If yes... its just a matter of HOW, which a professional can help with. if not then you just need to keep him away so you can be stable and healthy for the new baby on the way.

Something needs to change here.. He's out of the house. Let it and him cool off a bit. Give yourself this time to think about everything. Dont keep pushing in the same direction.. its time for change right?

how many months are you again?

all the best


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## Scannerguard

I don't know what to say. . .I"m sorry. I wrote something else but I was generalizing again about cops and I erased it (a bad habit of mine).

Anyway, I think you are going to need some family. Do you have any support system at all?


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## threeboysofmyown

Luckily I have some family here. I called EAP this morning to set up counseling for us but I wonder if I should just go for myself first. I think my younger son is starting to figure things out because he keeps hugging me and patting my back.


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## threeboysofmyown

Luckily I have some family here. I called EAP this morning to set up counseling for us but I wonder if I should just go for myself first. I think my younger son is starting to figure things out because he keeps hugging me and patting my back.

I am 31 weeks.


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## threeboysofmyown

Luckily I have some family here. I called EAP this morning to set up counseling for us but I wonder if I should just go for myself first. I think my younger son is starting to figure things out because he keeps hugging me and patting my back.

I am 31 weeks.


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## 63Vino

If H gets off his tantrum... sure go together.. But i would strongly suggest going by yourself as well. You have too much going one (baby on the way, kids already in the house, absent and angry husband). Take care of yourself and the kids. If H shows up and decides to be human... ok. This seems very tumultuous at the worst possible time. We only see what you write here and seems you simply need lots of support at the moment. Surround yourself with family and friends and see that counselor, yourself as primary focus. 

Happy yo see you've taken the steps.


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## threeboysofmyown

I am waiting on the counselor to call me back. Maybe I should go to counseling on my own first. My younger son woke up and said he had a nightmare about Daddy. Then he's always looking out the window asking me if daddy is outside. I didn't realize how much this was going to impact them.


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## threeboysofmyown

I was able to set up counseling for myself next week. He came with me to another appt this morning and he seemed like he didn't want to be there - no emotion, no words. I asked him about couples counseling and he said he would check his schedule and let me know. He's said that in the past everytime I brought it up. After I drove off, I sent a text asking if he really wanted to try it. No response. Now I am worried that he will not be the person taking me to the hospital when I am ready to deliver. It's been two weeks apart. I feel like the longer it stays this way, there is no chance of reconcilliation.


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## 63Vino

HI... Hope your doing ok today.. I know tough mentally.

Wonder why he's SO mad? Have you asked him? Crap tell him to call me hahaha.

Not normally my advice but given the circumstances.. maybe avoid yourself acting out in anger at him in anyway.. Just let him see the pain only that he is causing and be nice to him.
I hope he continues to go of course but you have to go on right? you have baby on the way, and kids that need your help more than giant baby right now. 
Maybe in a nice way .. ask him.. Why is he so mad? Does he not want another child?

Sending you positive vibes...>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

YOU keep going to counseling though OK? no matter what. Even if he goes, you keep going on your own.. You need to be strong.

all the best


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## threeboysofmyown

My first session is next week. I've been extremely nice to him these past two weeks. Even if I call him, he'll pick up the phone saying he's busy at work. If I text him, no response. Then when I ask if he got the text, he'll say something is wrong with his phone. He is also known to lie, so that totally frustrates me. If he woke up one day and decided the married and family life is not for him, I wish he would just tell me. Then he doesn't have any positive influences around him. He has young, immature unmarried friends. His cousin is married, but they are cut from the same cloth (in terms of family background and beliefs). Right now, I can't get anything out of him.


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## 63Vino

If he feels that way he may be trapped between how he feels and the stigma of not caring for his wife and family... 
God I would not want this to escalate to more anger now for you. But if it does.. maybe force his hand and ask him to leave and your (friend, mother, cousin, whatever) will come take care of you till the baby is born and though that.

If its stable jsut get though the next couple months and have a healthy baby.. then go into the garage and get that baseball bat.... oh! sorry .....was i typing outloud?

Anyway..i dunno.. you're doing ALL the right things here whoever you are. Keep it together, take care of yourself. Again, if he acts up too much get him out. You stay calm.


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## helpless_wife

Seems to me like he is punishing you for telling him to leave, 'you asked me to leave so here I go, lets see how you cope without me'. 

seriously you need to ask him where you guys stand, can't believe he just walked out while your heavily pregnant with his third child! 

Have the kids not asked their daddy why his not home with you?


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## threeboysofmyown

So today, my 4yr old has a meltdown at school and had to be picked up. He cannot return until Monday. He is jsut acting out. This morning he said to let him know when Daddy comes to our house to ring the doorbell. Then he said he wanted Daddy to come to his house. I wanted to cry but I asked him if he wanted to call Daddy. He said no. So the fight at school is a result of what's happening at home. I asked my H what was he going to do. He said he would talk to him. He also agreed to go to couple counseling.


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## 63Vino

threeboysofmyown said:


> So today, my 4yr old has a meltdown at school and had to be picked up. He cannot return until Monday. He is jsut acting out. This morning he said to let him know when Daddy comes to our house to ring the doorbell. Then he said he wanted Daddy to come to his house. I wanted to cry but I asked him if he wanted to call Daddy. He said no. So the fight at school is a result of what's happening at home. I asked my H what was he going to do. He said he would talk to him. He also agreed to go to couple counseling.


Thats a "step", right? You cant get to finish line directly and get things back without a process, some pain and time.. WHOLE thing hinges on his willingness. Hope he can learn to be open... 


 We're with ya!


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## threeboysofmyown

He came this morning to take my son to school - still barely communicating with me. I think he needs to deal with issues he's having on his own. I am getting better day by day. I just have to make sure my kids stay happy.


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## helpless_wife

threeboysofmyown said:


> He came this morning to take my son to school - still barely communicating with me. I think he needs to deal with issues he's having on his own. I am getting better day by day. I just have to make sure my kids stay happy.


Well it good news that your getting better, stay strong. 

But is this a bit out of character for him just all of a sudden leave over an argument and not speak to you at all? Or has he done this in the past? 

I seriously feel for you and can imagine how your feeling, when I was pregnant with my first child, me and hubby had a big argument and he left the house for a few days, and would not pick up my calls. I literally cried myself to sleep every night. But he didn't realise how much he hurt me by leaving and not speaking to me. Especially being pregnant makes you feel even more vulnerable and emotional. 

Maybe if you tell him how he is making you feel, than he might soften up a bit. Tell him you need him now during the pregnancy.

I cant judge your husband over an internet forum, but what I can say is that he is being quite childish, simply over an argument. 

Hope things work out for you, and keep us updated.


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## threeboysofmyown

Well this is week #3 of separation or abandonment. I keep trying to remain calm, be cordial when he comes to see the kids and all that. For the third time I asked if we could go to dinner as a family Saturday evening. He put it off until Sunday. But Saturday night we got into this texting argument. He said he's really hurt and he just needed to step back and assess the situation and himself. Here comes Sunday and for the fourth time, he said he can't do dinner because he was called in to work. But he gave me one of those "I wish we could stop fighting and get back to the way things were," cards. So I asked him if he could come over after work and he said they were running behind schedule. I am done asking to go to dinner. This makes no sense. What is he holding out for? I also asked if he was seeing someone else or considering seeing someone else and he said no. No communication - no trust -growing very tired of the situation. I just want to know where we are.


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## threeboysofmyown

I am beginning to think that he is seeing someone else but he doesn't want to let go of our situation because it would look bad. I don't know what else to do. I know I can't go another week living like this.


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## helpless_wife

threeboysofmyown said:


> I am beginning to think that he is seeing someone else *but he doesn't want to let go of our situation because it would look bad*. I don't know what else to do. I know I can't go another week living like this.




Look bad to who? 

If you think his seeing another woman, is there any way you can get it out from any of his close friends, or even the person he is staying with? Hire a private detective, if possible. A bit over the top I guess but at least you will have your suspicions confirmed. 

Also dont mean to pry, but other than his secrecy, was there any other problems in your marriage? What about intimacy? Was he still seeking/getting it from you? If he wasn't than you might just be right about another woman. 


Also tell him how you feel!


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## Mo2

Coming to this a bit late, sorry! Might not get time to type much as computer on the blink.

Just wanted to say I really feel for your situation. It sounds like an extreme version of what my hubby does to me, like an emotional abuse.

You are clearly such a strong woman to be so focussed on your kids and your unborn baby. They need you - you're all they have right now, the only person in their corner and you are doing an absolutely amazing job.

x


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## threeboysofmyown

Good morning,

Well we had a texting argument yesterday and several things were revealed. He asked if I wanted him to come home, I said yes, he said "that's what I wanted to hear." But then he said I needed to call and apologize to his mom because I treated her cold during her last visit and she "really cares" about me. That woman cannot stand me and he condoned it for the last 10 years. I requested that the three of us have a call because it's deeper than that. He doesn't want to do it. Then he goes on to say "see, I ask you to do one thing and you can't do it." He said he's not moving back until we go to counseling (which he keeps putting off because of his work schedule). Then he keeps asking me if I really love him. I told him yes, but he has to man up and be a husband - I can't be both. So he says he was going to move back to help me out. I told him that's the point - he's not helping me, we are his responsibility - we are in this together. He said that's one of the reasons he left, he is dealing with his own faults and issues. Give him a chance to clear his head. Oh by the way, he's going to Vegas this weekend for his co-worker's bachelor party. Very comforting to me at this point in our marriage/separation. Clear your head and get a blow job on the other. I told him to enjoy his new single life. He is not the person I married. I am going to take the necessary legal steps to move on. After the texting argument, I had a nosebleed for about an hour. I thought I had to go to the hospital because of the baby, but it eventually stopped. I am kidding myself if I thought he was going to man up and be the husband and father that we need. I feel like a failure and I never saw this coming. I regret having children by this man, but don't regret having my children. My three boys will take care of me and I will take care of them. I'm gonna do the best I can. I am so glad I have this forum to vent my frustration. 32 weeks pregnant and alone.


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## jenny247

i am so sorry to read through this and sorry to hear he is going to las vegas jeeezzz! you certainly cant take time out and just fly off i totally understand your feelings. I think you are right to start to move on, not give up per se on your marriage totally but focus on YOU now and your baby to come and your kids. It is so hard I know and I send you a hug that man doesnt deserve you. Lower your expectations now finally theres a long round ahead but you can do it and your children will help you find the strength and courage.


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## jenny247

How are you keeping? U ok?


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## sisters359

I think he's "punishing you," too. Don't play his game--his leaving is to your advantage right now b/c you really don't need someone like this in your life. If you can, immerse yourself in your children and in helping them through this. Remember that the kids, esp. the 4 y.o. will take his cue from you, and if you handle this with grace, they will do better. Let them talk about feelings, but don't dwell on it too much, give honest but not overly-emotional answers, and show them how a grown-up copes. Think about all you can teach them about dealing with hardship--it's one way to find the strength in you and help them at the same time. You can ask your son if it makes him sad that Daddy's not around, and you can tell him you feel sad, too, sometimes about it. Then ask him, what can we do when we feel sad? Have him come up with a couple of ideas, at least, and discuss them before choosing one. Keep at it, b/c it takes so many conversations for things to sink in for young kids. Slow and steady will work as long as you are as consistent as possible in taking care of yourself and dealing with your own emotions. It will be extra hard with a newborn and the sleeplessness, so plan for as much support as you can get. If you are planning on breastfeeding, seriously consider renting a pump from a hospital (usually very cheap and way better than the kind you buy) and pumping so someone else can do night feeds 2x a week, if possible. The better sleep will make a huge difference, and while under normal circumstances a lot of moms can do ok until the baby starts sleeping through night, this is probably not a risk you want to take--you are under extra stress already and sleep is essential go good coping. If bottle feeding, having a night person 2x a week is even easier, of course. (Don't feel bad-asking people for 1 night/week is not a big deal and many people will relish the chance to help with a newborn for a few weeks.)

God bless, and let us know how you are doing.


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