# Help!!! Thinking of separation..



## raakeshkohli (Jan 16, 2019)

Here is my story - I am an immigrant male settled in the US for more than a decade now. I married a south east Asian girl whom I met here. She is from a different state in India. After fighting the good battle with my parents, eventually went through marriage ceremonies and everything. It was 12 years before. I have known the girl for the past 15 years now.

It was my first relationship and I was so much filled with love. She was a good person too. She loved me her way. She was very close to her mom. Everything in her life revolved around her mom. Anyway we became very close and her mom passed just before she got married. It was huge shock for her and understandbly she went through a tough time. Her dad is kind of a jerk and she and her dad have a troubled relationship. Anyway, I stood by her and did all I could do to support her.

She finished her post grad degree found a job. I helped her immigrate as I was working and got through the green card cycle. We faced all the lifes struggles and everything was going on fine or so I thought.

Here is the rub.. We never consummated. Our relationship was like very close friends, somestimes like father daughter, sometimes like a best buddy. But we lost the romantic touch. I did not understand at that time how this was turning out. She became totally dependent on me and before I realized I had turned into her mom/dad.

We both were problem solvers and we solved every challenge life threw at us in terms of career, success and what not except the elephant in the room. I still continued the relationship without realizing what it was doing to me. Every one around us were having kids. We tried to have sex and it was a massive failure. She did not enjoy a bit and I could not erect. Anyway got pregnant through artificial insemination (did I say problem solving..). I was worried and went to a urologist and he checked and said everything was fine for me. That was when I realized what I am doing to myself.

Anyway a beautiful kid was born and we were both great parents, devoted all our lives to raising the child. The child is now almost 6.

In the last few years, I have realized what I have done. I could not live this life anymore. I realized we need professional help. I was changing into this bitter person who cannot stand the sight of love anywhere. I realized I am looking for romance which was taken away from me somehow. I feel robbed.

On top of it., we started having severe communication issues. Partly because of my bitterness, partly because of her way of thinking and justifying things.

Anyway as things stand now, I am am totally devastated and so is she. She wants to give this relationship a second chance. But I know that if I let that happen, I will have to live a life of compromise. I am not ready to do that.

In initial years when I used to approach her for sex, she would always turn me down. She says she was going through depression after her mom’s death, and later had anxiety about sex. I am not sure if it was a psychological issue, but I am sure it is not a medical issue. What pains me is she was ready to live like this all these years without worrying too much of what it did to me. She says she was distressed about our lack of intimacy but could not do anything about it. I believe it, but the truth she always had other worries in her life which took more priority. I know this because she is successful in every aspect of life except this and she worked hard for each of those success.

So finally I am done, I am planning to separate. she is broken down as her closest ally is leaving her. It pains me to see her this way, but there is nothing I could do. I dont know if I am being selfish.

In the last year out of frustration of a sex less 14 years of life, I stepped our of the marriage and hired an escort. I now know that there is nothing wrong with me and I can perform. But the problem is I have lost the romantic connection totally with my wife. It has been beaten out of me ( emotionally speaking). I have also revealed this to her and she is worried but she wants to get together. That makes me feel she is doing this because she does not want to lose me as I am the only person who is close to her.

It pains me to do this to her now, but I have only 1 life and i am 38.

Anyway i have not revealed this to any of my family, parents etc. They have no idea. Recently her side of the family came to know and they are just requesting me to suck it up. Some friends of mine who know both of us are advising me to leave.

I am totally lost. If you choose to comment please do respectfully.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I can definitely understand why you want to divorce your wife. I would not stay in a sexless marriage either... when I divorce my husband, this was one of the major issues.

If you want to try one last time to fix this, and if your wife is 100% committed to fix this, you two could rebuild your marriage into one that is passionate and actively sexual. But you BOTH would need to be committed and you would most likely have to seek help from a sex therapist and a marriage counselor. If you decided to give it one more chance, only give it 6 months. If things are not well on their way to being the passionate, sexy marriage that you want then end it.

However, if you don't want to try anymore, it's reasonable. You have given your wife years to deal with her issues about sex. And as you stated, she did not put you and your relationship as her number one priority. That's hard to live with.


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## raakeshkohli (Jan 16, 2019)

Thanks for the response. The bigger problem I am having right now is communication. I just cannot stand any more excuses of why our lives turned out this way. Even if we fix the sexual side I realize she seeks the same type of relationship, a one of dependency. I am now looking at women all around me and realizing what the feminine side of human is. I am just worried that my life would turn out to be a big compromise if I choose to stay. I know it sounds like i am making excuses to leave but my fear is real and i can see my future...


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You are done with your relationship--not really ever a marriage--don't want father/child or friends relationship even if some issues improve. Don't prolong the agony because of feeling of guilt. Your age makes you think that now is the time to make a change. Have you found someone else to whom you are attracted?


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## raakeshkohli (Jan 16, 2019)

Thank you. That's exactly what i feel sometimes -it was never a marriage. I am terribly burdened with guilt of leaving her. I cannot really say she never loved me. She did not know what a husband wife relationship is. She made me her mom/dad/best friend.

I am not sure if I have met anyone whom I want to be with the rest of my life. I am planning to enter the dating scene once I separate.


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## raakeshkohli (Jan 16, 2019)

Can someone please offer some advice on how to handle lonliness during this separation. I miss her so much, especially during stressful times. She probably was never my wife, but she was there as a friend. But at the same time, I cannot throw away from my life. I have a few other friends, but they are all busy with their own life/problems. This is difficult.. (


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

raakeshkohli said:


> Thank you. That's exactly what i feel sometimes -it was never a marriage. I am terribly burdened with guilt of leaving her. I cannot really say she never loved me. She did not know what a husband wife relationship is. She made me her mom/dad/best friend.
> 
> I am not sure if I have met anyone whom I want to be with the rest of my life. I am planning to enter the dating scene once I separate.


No matter what, please don't cheat again. Wait till you are divorced before you date.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

raakeshkohli said:


> Can someone please offer some advice on how to handle lonliness during this separation. I miss her so much, especially during stressful times. She probably was never my wife, but she was there as a friend. But at the same time, I cannot throw away from my life. I have a few other friends, but they are all busy with their own life/problems. This is difficult.. (


I am more concerned about your son, do you see him regularly? He should be your focus now.


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## raakeshkohli (Jan 16, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I am more concerned about your son, do you see him regularly? He should be your focus now.


yes. I do. I takie hime school everyday and atleast spend half hour with him every evening. He is my number #1 priority. What makes my situation excruiciatingly painful, she is not a bad person. neither am I. I stepped out of my marriage for sex, yes, but it was after years and years of frustration. I am not justifying it. I just broke.
Even now I know she loves me her own way and I do love her too. But the fact that we were not really husband-wife, makes me feel as if I have given up my life on that, atleast on my end. She seemed to be happy as things were.

I am not sure if I am doing good job of explaining it...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Have you ever suggested or tried MC (marriage counseling)?

Not knowing what state you're i, but contingent upon what their marriage dissolution laws are and your nonconsummation of the marriage, you might even be able to get it annulled!

But regardless, you're still going to be saddled with child support for the next 10-12 years or even beyond!

It probably would not be a bad idea to consult legal counsel immediately to help lay out your options!

Best of luck to you!*


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## raakeshkohli (Jan 16, 2019)

arbitrator said:


> *Have you ever suggested or tried MC (marriage counseling)?
> 
> Not knowing what state you're i, but contingent upon what their marriage dissolution laws are and your nonconsummation of the marriage, you might even be able to get it annulled!
> 
> ...


Thank you. But child support or divorce proceedings are the least of my worry right now. We are not acrimonious towards each other and it will be very peaceful if we ever get to that point.

My struggle is emotional. We have stayed together for such a long time, that we have developed some kind of symbiosis on each other. Is it healthy or not, I do not know.
On one hand I want a normal husband-wife relationship. I honestly think she will not be able to provide that. Or I have to compromise on several of my expectations to make it work. We are going to try counselling. But I am scared if I tell how I exactly feel, there wont be much left to counsel.

I am just finding it extremely difficult to navigate this. Has anyone been or known someone in this kind of situation?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I am actually currently in pretty much this same situation, but just not married. 

I can relate to how you are feeling, you are torn because you are not happy in the relationship, but love and respect your partner as a person and as your friend. You long for the intimacy but fear losing the other closeness should you end it. I will give you the advice that I myself need to follow... get out. End it. You deserve to be truly happy, with someone willing to give you what you need.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

raakeshkohli said:


> Can someone please offer some advice on how to handle lonliness during this separation. I miss her so much, especially during stressful times. She probably was never my wife, but she was there as a friend. But at the same time, I cannot throw away from my life. I have a few other friends, but they are all busy with their own life/problems. This is difficult.. (


Yeah, I can. How about this, get into some serious therapy, and do it now. 

I have no idea where you come from or what your life was like before you got wherever you are, but dude, with all respect, you need help. 

You need lots and lots of help, yesterday. 

I don't know how you got here, or what you think life is supposed to be like, but it is not like this...

You get that, right?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I feel for you. I cannot imagine a decade long marriage with no physical intimacy 

I think leaving is really your answer. 

Regarding your son, half an hour a day isn't nearly enough real time with him.


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## raakeshkohli (Jan 16, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> I am actually currently in pretty much this same situation, but just not married.
> 
> I can relate to how you are feeling, you are torn because you are not happy in the relationship, but love and respect your partner as a person and as your friend. You long for the intimacy but fear losing the other closeness should you end it. I will give you the advice that I myself need to follow... get out. End it. You deserve to be truly happy, with someone willing to give you what you need.


Thank you. I appreciate it. Sometimes it is better to hear your thoughts from another person. It reinforces what I am thinking. Yes. I have been leaning towards separating. 
The thing is she now says she wants a second chance to get it right. She promises everything will be different and she will go to counselling and we will start over. I want to believe that, but somehow it does not feel right in my gut. It feels like it will be a life of compromise at some level.


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## raakeshkohli (Jan 16, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> Yeah, I can. How about this, get into some serious therapy, and do it now.
> 
> I have no idea where you come from or what your life was like before you got wherever you are, but dude, with all respect, you need help.
> 
> ...


Yes. I get that. I have messed up or rather allowed myself to be messed up.
I understand what I have missed. I understand myself better with age. I am a giving person, and I gave till I did not have anything.
I will try counselling. It is important for me personally even my marriage does not last.


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## raakeshkohli (Jan 16, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> I feel for you. I cannot imagine a decade long marriage with no physical intimacy
> 
> I think leaving is really your answer.
> 
> Regarding your son, half an hour a day isn't nearly enough real time with him.


Thank you. I am trying my best to be a good dad in this situation. My kid really loves me and I want to be there for him. Once this separation thing gets going, it will be easier for me to draw a schedule and make things work. Till then, I want to make sure he atleast sees me everyday even though for a little time.
I can fail in anything, but I wont fail in being a dad.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

raakeshkohli said:


> Yes. I get that. I have messed up or rather allowed myself to be messed up.
> 
> I understand what I have missed. I understand myself better with age. I am a giving person, and I gave till I did not have anything.
> 
> I will try counselling. It is important for me personally even my marriage does not last.


That sounds good. Look all I am saying is: We all can do things, and accept things, and allow things that we should not. 

But, you understand that the concept of a none sexual marriage, is... a little crazy, and even further, to go AI in order to even have a child, ah no. 

When you start therapy, tell them that, even now, that you don't really understand what a normal relationship really is. 

Maybe you were young, or insecure, or whatever it was, but you need to figure out what "normal" at some level actually is. 

I tend to think that even with your naiveté that MAYBE your "wife" set out from the start to take advantage of you? Or could it be that you were both so clueless about everything that you two did not know any better? 

These are the questions that you must answer for yourself. And Yes, you need to divorce this woman, I am really not sure that she has your best interest at heart...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

raakeshkohli said:


> Thank you. That's exactly what i feel sometimes -it was never a marriage. I am terribly burdened with guilt of leaving her. I cannot really say she never loved me. She did not know what a husband wife relationship is. She made me her mom/dad/best friend.
> 
> I am not sure if I have met anyone whom I want to be with the rest of my life. I am planning to enter the dating scene once I separate.


OK. You think you know what your wife's view of a real marriage is and you believe she is wrong.

1) *Why* do you believe she is wrong?
2) What do *you* think a real marriage is?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

raakeshkohli said:


> Here is my story - I am an immigrant male settled in the US for more than a decade now. I married a south east Asian girl whom I met here. She is from a different state in India. After fighting the good battle with my parents, eventually went through marriage ceremonies and everything. It was 12 years before. I have known the girl for the past 15 years now.
> 
> It was my first relationship and I was so much filled with love. She was a good person too. She loved me her way. She was very close to her mom. Everything in her life revolved around her mom. Anyway we became very close and her mom passed just before she got married. It was huge shock for her and understandably she went through a tough time. Her dad is kind of a jerk and she and her dad have a troubled relationship. Anyway, I stood by her and did all I could do to support her.
> 
> ...



This is so difficult and so emasculating. The fact she refuses to see what it has done to you is pretty bad. However, before throwing in the towel, I suggest you see a sex therapist. It might help to explore the issues she has and make a way to rekindle things.
However, if she is stuck in the rut of being against sex then it will be more of the same. You say she is not aware of the relationship between a man and wife and how it should work. I don't find this hard to believe if she has had a sheltered upbringing with no sex education or exposure to the ways of the world, this happens in SE Asia. Therefore isn't your job to teach her gently and patiently? Is there a big age difference between you. Have you actually ever discussed this with her in detail?

Is the problem one of lack of attraction?

NO man should have to suck it up as this is part of the marriage.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> No matter what, please don't cheat again. Wait till you are divorced before you date.


I guess you're right that he cheated, but I really have a problem with that, not that you said it, but with the definition of cheating. Maybe the meaning needs to be expanded or something. Or maybe there are those who are like me and simply don't see it as cheating at all. I mean who is he cheating on? They've been together 14 years and married for 12 - all of that time with no sex. So how could it be cheating? They turned their relationship into what it is. They both went along with this, so it wasn't against anybody's will or preference. Sure, he wanted more, but he never got it and continued to cultivate the relationship - not the marriage. While she had no plan or desire for it to ever be a marriage, surely she doesn't expect she has any right to expect that he never has sex in his entire life. errr Does she? Nobody in their right mind would. 

They have a close friendship and a manufactured child. So, if I were her, I don't think I would appreciate him going around telling people my personal business or talking about me behind my back. That's not what friends are supposed to do. If he did those types of things, I would feel very hurt and betrayed, having trusted him with my secrets and innermost thoughts and expecting that he held a modicum of respect for me.

However, they don't have a marriage, so what expectation of intimacy and sexual fidelity is there to betray? No doubt he promised to be faithful to her in his marriage vows, but there hasn't been anything to be faithful to, so how is it cheating?



raakeshkohli said:


> Thank you. But child support or divorce proceedings are the least of my worry right now. We are not acrimonious towards each other and it will be very peaceful if we ever get to that point.


You have to stop thinking like that. Divorce brings out the absolute worst in people. In addition, once an attorney is done with her, the two of them will try their level best to ravage your soul. S/he will convince her it's the right thing to do.....for your son's sake. You know, all evils are committed for the sake of the children.



Diana7 said:


> My struggle is emotional. We have stayed together for such a long time, that we have developed some kind of symbiosis on each other. Is it healthy or not, I do not know.
> On one hand I want a normal husband-wife relationship. I honestly think she will not be able to provide that. Or I have to compromise on several of my expectations to make it work. We are going to try counselling. But I am scared if I tell how I exactly feel, there wont be much left to counsel.
> 
> I am just finding it extremely difficult to navigate this. Has anyone been or known someone in this kind of situation?





raakeshkohli said:


> Thank you. I appreciate it. Sometimes it is better to hear your thoughts from another person. It reinforces what I am thinking. Yes. I have been leaning towards separating.
> The thing is she now says she wants a second chance to get it right. She promises everything will be different and she will go to counselling and we will start over. I want to believe that, but somehow it does not feel right in my gut. It feels like it will be a life of compromise at some level.


Okay, so I get that you didn't come here for advice, and that's good because most people will tell you she's frigid and you should leave her.

I think you came for moral support. You've made a very hard decision and are receiving conflicting opinions from people in your circle and want confirmation that you're doing the right thing, and you're tearing yourself apart over inner conflict and the conflicting advice you keep getting. I think your decision is the right thing for you, but I have an idea that just might work out even better, at least for the time being.

I'm a little confused because several times, you stated you are thinking about separating, but you also gave us the idea that you are separated already in the post where you said you miss her. So please clarify.

If you're not already separated, then don't. Just stay with your wife and son, but talk to her first about the two of you establishing an entirely different set of expectations. You are absolutely correct that giving your marriage another try, going to counseling, and all that jazz is only going to end up at the same place you are now. And by "end up" I mean in just two or three short months, she will be back to her old ways, and you will be back in sexual prison again.

So forego the pressure of all that. Release her of all intimate and sexual obligations, and release yourself of those expectations. Decide between yourselves to run the household together, face life's challenges together, raise your son side by side, and maintain the good friendship (or whatever the relationship is) you've both cultivated and shared all these years, while you have a sexual life outside of the home. I'm suggesting this just for now, just for the time being so you and she both can see what it looks and feels like to relieve yourselves of these pressures, expectations, and conflicts. Give this a try with a time limit of 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, or however long you and she decide you both need to either find each other or come to terms with the marriage ending. In the meantime, you can be working on the marriage part of things but without the weight.

You both obviously mean a lot to each other, so there's no reason to up and abruptly end everything that you've been to each other. No more pressure and no more conflict. You really never know until you try it, but you might be surprised because it could turn out for the best, however it turns out. She might learn to value you more once she starts thinking about the possibility of losing you to someone else, and you might find you really prefer her company more than anyone else, but you will be less frustrated and much happier.

It could happen that you find someone else and fall in love and if you do, you will be able to make your decisions on a more permanent basis without your current ball of conflict and confusion, and it won't come as a sudden surprise to her because she will know you see others since she hasn't been a wife to you. And as I stated above, I don't see it as cheating, but it really won't be cheating because this new way of life will be by mutual agreement. 

In the meantime, your wife doesn't need to see a counselor. She needs a sex therapist, and that will be good for both of you. She will not only be told but will learn that sex is normal and natural. That will help her psychologically. And you will learn how to be confident, skillful, and commanding (not demanding) in bed because if you are not a confident and knowledgeable lover, she will never lose her inhibitions, and she will never gain a desire to have sex either. Desire is something a man can bring out in a woman, and he has to know how to do that. She will not enjoy, nor appreciate, being your experiment and will avoid it all cost. I don't want to seem like I'm blaming you because you were both inexperienced but while you might have been willing and eager to continue trying, it's very uncomfortable for a woman. She has to feel she is placing her very vulnerable self into your secure and capable hands, not your fumbling hands.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

raakeshkohli said:


> Thank you. I am trying my best to be a good dad in this situation. My kid really loves me and I want to be there for him. Once this separation thing gets going, it will be easier for me to draw a schedule and make things work. Till then, I want to make sure he atleast sees me everyday even though for a little time.
> I can fail in anything, but I wont fail in being a dad.


I'm really sorry (well, actually I'm not) to add to your conflict, but divorce is a failure at being a dad because kids need to live with their parents (for reasons I won't get into here). A few designated minutes each day doesn't make up for anything at all. "Your child needs you" was a public service announcement that used to come on TV in the 70s. It was meant to impart that kids need their parents at home and need to spend quality time with them for their developmental sense of security.

Plus, all kinds of things happen after separation or divorce, and men experience a myriad of different emotions. The main one is guilt, which means that even though you won't know it or recognize it, you will have a tremendous amount of guilt from not living under the same roof with your son. And that will give a brand new face and shape to the type of parent you become, one very much different and much more permissive and indulgent than you would have been otherwise. You won't be a father anymore. You will become a Guilty Disney Daddy. Look up those terms because they are very real and happen to practically all men who call themselves trying to be a good father to their displaced children. But they change the definition of "father" to one that basically renders them useless as a father. 

Guilty Daddy Syndrome is when a divorced man feels too guilty to properly correct, discipline, teach, or train his children, preferring to leave all that parenting stuff to the other parent (their mother or their stepmother/his new wife or girlfriend) in effort to become the favored parent. When they are with him, he lets the kids get away with murder to make up for their emotional loss he feels guilty for causing.

Disney Dad Syndrome is when a man spoils and overindulges his kids during his parenting time (visitation). He fears they won't want to visit him, so he does everything in his power to prevent their unhappiness and make sure they are happy and enjoying themselves when they are with him. Frequent outings for fun and fast food become their way of life. Most don't admit it, but there are some who do confess "I just want them to be happy and have fun when they are with me."

See what I mean? Not much of a father at all. And it causes a tremendous amount of strife and conflict in his new marriage. In fact, the divorce rate for second marriages who bring with them children from the first marriage is upwards of 72%, and the greater number of these divorces are comprised of dad and stepmother. Circumstances are considerably different when the second marriage is comprised of mom and stepfather (for reasons I won't get into here), so those end in divorce a bit less frequently because they don't experience quite as many problems since moms don't normally assume guilty and disney status.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

StarFires said:


> I'm really sorry (well, actually I'm not) to add to your conflict, but divorce is a failure at being a dad because kids need to live with their parents (for reasons I won't get into here). A few designated minutes each day doesn't make up for anything at all.
> 
> .



Wow what a super crappy ass thing to say to someone! Actually that whole post was! So I guess all of us selfish asses out here who got divorced are failures as parents, huh! 

Wow. Just wow. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

StarFires said:


> I guess you're right that he cheated, but I really have a problem with that, not that you said it, but with the definition of cheating. Maybe the meaning needs to be expanded or something. Or maybe there are those who are like me and simply don't see it as cheating at all. I mean who is he cheating on? They've been together 14 years and married for 12 - all of that time with no sex. So how could it be cheating? They turned their relationship into what it is. They both went along with this, so it wasn't against anybody's will or preference. Sure, he wanted more, but he never got it and continued to cultivate the relationship - not the marriage. While she had no plan or desire for it to ever be a marriage, surely she doesn't expect she has any right to expect that he never has sex in his entire life. errr Does she? Nobody in their right mind would.
> 
> They have a close friendship and a manufactured child. So, if I were her, I don't think I would appreciate him going around telling people my personal business or talking about me behind my back. That's not what friends are supposed to do. If he did those types of things, I would feel very hurt and betrayed, having trusted him with my secrets and innermost thoughts and expecting that he held a modicum of respect for me.
> 
> ...


The fact is they are married so any sex outside the marriage is cheating. If he must have sex with someone else then they need to divorce first.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

raakeshkohli said:


> Thank you. I appreciate it. Sometimes it is better to hear your thoughts from another person. It reinforces what I am thinking. Yes. I have been leaning towards separating.
> The thing is she now says she wants a second chance to get it right. She promises everything will be different and she will go to counselling and we will start over. I want to believe that, but somehow it does not feel right in my gut. It feels like it will be a life of compromise at some level.


At least give her a chance, maybe a year to see if she means what she says. 
I just couldn't leave my child, ever. 
Yes it may be a life of compromise, that's what marriage is, but you have a child and he needs to come first.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

I think that, in some jurisdictions, an unconsumated marriage is legally regarded as a non-marriage.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I work in an industry that exposes me to all types of people and situations and travel on a worldly scale. I've seen plenty guys
pick up girls from unfortunate backgrounds and circumstances that end up in your shoes. It seems to happen mostly with
girls from Indonesia, Thailand, Vietnam, and to a lesser degree Russia and Romania.

The situation usually is as follows: The guy isn't of the best self esteem and thinks he is getting a great catch while the girl is opportunity shopping. It then shortly goes into
the friend zone after marriage. The bind is tied quickly with the birth of a child soon after marriage. The girl is usually willing to stay when the guy goes shopping for sex
outside the marriage but the self esteem thing usually ends up with him accepting the friend zone. 

I honestly don't blame the girls ...... who doesn't want a better life. A shame marriage is better than the other conditions they were living in.

About 25% of these cases are when the guy meets the girl when she is a prostitute.

India (where your wife is from) ..... I've found these gals are pretty tough and can put up with a lot. Indian life from what I've seen rotates around their parents as much as
their marital house.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> The fact is they are married so any sex outside the marriage is cheating. If he must have sex with someone else then they need to divorce first.


Except the marriage was never consummated and the child conceived through IVF. Technically, he's married. However, he could have the marriage annulled and it would be as if it never existed, because it has never been consummated and isn't actually a marriage. So, he's married on paper, but not in reality. Is that cheating? I have to admit I don't think so.



[email protected] said:


> I think that, in some jurisdictions, an unconsumated marriage is legally regarded as a non-marriage.


AFAIK, every state in the US will annul an unconsummated marriage. However, it's my understanding that it's actually more of a hassle to get an annulment and is quicker and easier to just divorce. That said, assets and alimony might be a factor. For example, in my state the lower earning spouse qualifies for alimony after 10 years married. If a couple divorce after 10 years, the higher earner will likely have to pay alimony. If the couple have their marriage annulled, it legally never existed and there is no claim to each others assets or ability to collect alimony. So, even though an annulment might be slower and more expensive than a divorce, annulment might also be less expensive in the long term.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

maybe unconsummated but perhaps can be ruled common law ?????


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Are you physically attracted to each other?? Do you sleep in the same bed? Do you cuddle? Do you ever kiss, or did you ever (with some passion, not just a peck)? Do you want more children?


I would consider a 6 month attempt at a “do-over”. I would make it clear this is the last chance to make your marriage work, and that you will be divorcing after this attempt if it is unsuccessful. 

Before the time frame starts she must agree to go to her DR/GYN to be checked out to make sure she doesn’t have anything wrong with her hormones, or any sort of infections that would cause sex to be painful. Next seeing a sex therapist.

You would have to agree to being faithful to her during this trail. You should be diving into learning how to turn a woman on, and the ways to please her, and give her the best and most orgasms.

Romantically date her, persue her, while she is agreeing to be pursued and be willing to experience attracation and passion with you. Fairly quickly get to the point where you guys are making out, and hopefully her body will react and she will want more. Progress at a natural rate from that point. If progress is made, wonderful. If it is not...there is not a true marriage to be saved.


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## raakeshkohli (Jan 16, 2019)

Thank you for the responses. Here are a few things I need to add/clarify.
1) If we ever get to the point of divorce, it wont be acrimonius at least from my end. I intend to give up everything material as long it is protected that it will go to my son. I can start from zero again. I am not scared of that. I have done that once, I can do it again. I dont mind giving up everything I have as long it goes to my child.

2) I know there are concerns being a good parent when you are divorced. The disney dad syndrome is real, I agree. But at the same time I firmly believe that all you need to do to be a good parent is to truly love your child. I was raised in a conservative background and I used to believe it is very important to keep the marriage together inorder to protect the child. I have seen so many couples in my previous generation and they were really proud about that. I understand the sacrifice and how tough it is to do that. I salute them for that. But that does make it the best option for the child. In order to be a good parent, I think I need to be at peace with myself, be a happy person. I could be a miserable parent staying under the same roof as my child, while I could be a better parent staying outside. I chose the latter. Why? Because what would I advice him if he is the same position as me 25 years from now? And secondly, how would the child feel when he realizes that he was the only reason his parents stuck around with no love between them. Having said that, there is no right answer here. I am choosing the path which I think will bring more happiness to everyone.

3) About the lack of sex - many great insights and advice here. But what I regret most is not the lack of sex, but the lack of acknowledgement of what I have given up. I was ready to live a sex less life in my 20s, I gave it up. I convinced myself that it is okay, marriage is not just about sex. But what broke my back is the lack of acknowledgment till this point. Instead I hear excuses. And It is not just that. I have been emotionally there, almost like a father to her. (I need to clarify that she is elder to me by 3 years, so it is unlike any of other foreign bride marriages - there was a response addressing that). Anyway I stood by her emotionally, sacrificed my carreer so that she can advance hers (I was making double the money at that point), helped her immigrate (I am a H1B immigrant, I did the hard work - she immigrated because she was my spouse), helped her take care of her dad. In this process, I lost sight of what I wanted, I moved away from my parents physically and emotionally (which was a terrible terrible mistake on my end - I am correcting that right now). So I think I am at a point where I think I have done my part.
So now at this point, I am hearing all the right words. She is ready to go to therapy, wants to start over etc.. Why? because this is the first time she is scared that she will lose me forever. All this time while when we had fought and argued, the fear of losing me was never real because she knew I am not a quitter. But now she knows I have broken and I might quit.
And then there is the case of physical attraction. I have been sleeping in separate bed for years now. The weirdness of our relationship has made me lose the physical attraction totally. Objectively we both are really good looking people. The emotional dependence of her like a child on me has killed all the romance. I dont know if that makes sense. Thats the best I can put it.

4) Someone had commented about me breaking her trust by complaining - No one, except one of my best friends knew about our relationship for the past 12 years. Not even to my parents. I protected her all this time. I made sure she made the right impression. Till this date, my parents think she is perfect daughter in law.

5) Finally I might across a little pathetic. I get it. for letting this happen to my life. But I am not in real life. I am strong and I put up a brave front everywhere. But yes, some one had said, I need to know what normal is. I have been in a not so normal relationship for way way too long. I can feel it is affecting me. I cannot stand the sight of love anymore. I cannot stand people holding hands, kissing or any kind of intimacy. It reminds me of what has been robbed of me.

We have agreed to go therapy together and I want to separate temporarily. So am I being selfish in separating? Yeah, surely. But it is my life. I am almost 40. Life is short and I do not want to live a life of regret and compromise. Why should I? May be I am taking a wrong decision, but it is the decision which makes most sense at this point in time. I dont know what this separation is going to do. It might leads us to a divorce or it might bring us back together. As I said I care about her still. She cared about me in her own way. We were friends and we had total trust on each other until this point. It is complex. This trial of separation will hopefully bring us to a normal state and help us decide what it is we are looking for in life individually. That is where I am now.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Ask yourself if you want to stay with the person that broke you while you did everything under the sun to help her out and were made to retreat from your own life.
No amount of therapy will replace that resentment in my opinion. I would use this time to divorce and redefine myself and what I want in life. 

Keep it mind how you would feel after all the counselling is over and you end up in the exact same place in 5 years. It is very possible.

BUT:

She has the right to be who she is ...... there is no law stating that she must be sexual & intimate. She is who she is .... and you agreed to that when you married her and
continued to propagate it all those years.


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## raakeshkohli (Jan 16, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> Ask yourself if you want to stay with the person that broke you while you did everything under the sun to help her out and were made to retreat from your own life.
> No amount of therapy will replace that resentment in my opinion. I would use this time to divorce and redefine myself and what I want in life.
> 
> Keep it mind how you would feel after all the counselling is over and you end up in the exact same place in 5 years. It is very possible.
> ...


very true. It is a real risk. I want to go to therapy so that I make sure I have done everything I can. But gods honest truth is I have little hope and i can see my future cleary if I choose to stay. I am going to be 100% honest in therapy on how I feel. Let us see where it goes.
I went wrong in propagating this thing for all these years. I was too idealistic and in a way egositical, thinking that I could survive this life. These years have made me realize what i am to myself. I am an extremely malleable person and that is my fatal flaw. I need to stand my ground more...


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

raakeshkohli said:


> I want to go to therapy so that I make sure I have done everything I can. I am going to be 100% honest in therapy on how I feel. Let us see where it goes.
> extremely malleable person and that is my fatal flaw. I need to stand my ground more...


Sounds like a good plan.


We all have flaws. The fact that you recognize yours puts you ahead of the game.

Settings boundaries in life, love, and work of what you will and wont accept is a good practice.


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