# Are we beyond help?! I vaule your opinions.



## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

A few of you all have read a few of my post and responded so you know some of my story. 

We I have told you all about the xtra phone my husband had that th OW got for him that I found blah blah blah. 
Well I have that phone but low and behold it is not longer wking. She transfered the number. Which makes me feel that she knows I have it. I use to call it from a pvt # & no one answered So I stop. However for some reason I choose to call today from a pay phone. Now maybe I wrong but after yrs of being with my husband I know his voice. He said hello that was it sat for a few sec then hung up. I then called him from my phone to his real phone and told him I called it heard his voice and of course you know what he said. IT WASN'T HIM. He doesn't have that phone blah blah. So I say fine and we hang up.

He then txt me to say he doesn't need anyone who's trying to catch him in anything thats for kids. So I reply: That I hope he wasn't trying to put me in my place and that what he is going through with me at this point is the direct result of the kiddie games he has been playing with me the last few yrs And after this many yrs of being through so very much with him, having him inside of me from top to bottom. From knowing his body from top to bottom that I think I know his voice however short it was. Besides the fact that I called him right after and he answer with the same back ground noise from wk. HMMM ok then. I also said that If he doesn't need me because of that then ok. I wasn't trying to catch him in anything. I actually expected to hear her voice. I thought she had it. And would try to call him from that number and not the one I know. I also said that I don't mind fighting for my marriage but I WILL NOT FIGHT ALONE. So we can figure things out and go from there because enough is enough and I'm done. I then ask was there anything else since I guess that was to put me down.

He replied: I'm not trying to put you down thats how you look at it. 

My question here is this (and sorry for all that). Do you think I'm wrong? Am I looking for something? Am I so far gone over this that I can't trust him enough to let that part go and move on or should I trust that feeling that I have that something isn't right. I mean they still wk together and nothing can change that. Where they work things like that happen all the time. 
I mean I can't wait around for MY HUSBAND to stop being in love with this woman (an I use the term loosly: like her) and fall back in love with me. We both love one another just not in love with one another. He should be in that place not me.

So tell me and you know enough from my last post to know that I don't need nor want you spare my feelings. Just tell me. Is it me? Am i throwing away the chance to R. I mean we have great great GREAT sex lately but thats not going to carry us and I have told him that it doesn't fix everything.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

SF, I've read a few of your other posts about this situation.
In answer to your questions, no you are not wrong and yes you are looking for something. I think you should trust your gut that something isn't right, but also talk to him in a respectful manner (yes, I completely recognize that HE isn't being respectful towards you). I like the way one person from this forum talke to his spouse about her affair (Have I already sent this to you?)

_At first she denied it. For a few days after confronting her and her not saying anything, before leaving for work one morning I told her:
"...right now our marriage is at its lowest point. I am going to give you all day today to decide if you want to tell me more about this. When I get home tonight I want you to tell me everything that is going on and has been going on. If you tell me "the worst" has happened, I will try to stay with you and try to work it out if you want to. If you tell me none of this is true, and we "get over it", but then I find out 2 or 6 months or a year from now that you lied to me, we will be done...forever"._ I wonder if that kind of approach would be respectful but also upfront in your situation.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Riversid, Thank you for the advice and I will use that to relay my thoughts on it anf hopefully he takeds the time to think. However I I think I will only give him to bed time. When he home I wasn't rude I spoke and ask why didn't he so he made a joke about it but w havn't said much to each other beside the usually dinner talk and about the kids. He shuts down and dosn't like to communicate about this h just wants it to go away. He feels I should be over this because as he says "I WON". Really?! I don't feel like I won anything I mean really what did I win. I want to go to MC and he says yes but then a few weeks ago said that he would just sit there and more than likely be rude. I want to forgive and move past but man this is a bit harder for me than usual. I love hard and when I'm betrayed sad to say my horns com out and it's hard to budge.

I will talk to him tonight and let you know how it went.

Thank you for your help


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Riverside I know what I recently posted but I'm sitting here on the couch next to this man and he has said nothing NOT ONE THING concerning this. So you know what.....I'm not begging him to talk to me about this. Or to work on this marriage. To hell with that if he wants me then let him do it ALL. For now on I don't have anything to say. I can't believe this right nxt to me and all he says is can you turn to the news. If it wks it works if it doesn't then It wasn't meant too. I'll still do my part as a wife and of course a mother and caretaker. S o that I know I did my part, but talking, suggesting MC, Going out of the way to make things right for him. Yeah enough said. He'll do it or it WON'T GET DONE.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I am so sorry to hear that. Jeez, talk about an emotional roller coaster. Maybe he thinks you won't really leave him. Maybe he is convinced that you are staying. There is probably a lot you don't know about his situation as well (i.e. he could still be hinding things from you). One day he will probably wake up and realize that you have already left. I hope for your marriage's sake that he wakes up before it ends. Good luck.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

frustrated, go to the website beyondaffairs.com click on the seminars tab, then the teleseminars tab. There is a teleseminar call getting your husband to talk. Listen to it carefully. I suspect your husband is still involved as you believe. Attacking or getting angry with him will only cause him to avoid it further and shut down. You are in very tough situation because he is not committed to working on the marriage with you and until he does, there is not much you can do. He has to decide what he wants and as it seems, right now he isn't ready to try. I don't advocate the 180 people. But I do advocate laying down your needs and boundaries and what you expect and sticking to them. Sometimes it does take telling the DS you can't continue with three people in the marriage and the deceipt he's showing. He needs to make up his mind in 100% or get out and you will start the process to D. Be ready to act on it. If he doesn't think your serious, nothing will change. Don't lay down a laundry list of your expectations and needs until he shows a willingness to work on it.
Look around the teleseminars, there is lot's of good guidance in them mixed with a lot of pushing their services so disregard the latter and look for the former.
Good luck and keep us posted.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8 yr, I thank you for that. I have not gone to that website but I will. Just to make sure I have been doing thing correctly. I try to make sure I speak to him calmly in a nice tone. Telling him I love him and saying things like sweet heart and my love. Things that would not put him on defense. Yet in still he does. I ask him today did he love me he said yes. I ask him was my feelings not important to him he said yes. I asked him did he not respect me and my feelings and he said he does. I them ask then why he has not changed his cell # and he said it's really no big deal and that he would have to go through the trouble of giving it to certain ppl again. I told him until he does he will not touch me again. I also said I don't want a devorice he said niether does he that he wants to get old with me then I said do you think I won't leave you and he look at me and said yes I know you and you will leave me in a heart beat. I Asked was that what he was waiting for he said no that he wanted our marriage and he didn't want to see me with anyone else. I don't have the strength to do anymore Of this. Today I couldn't feel my face. My face was actually numb I have gone from a size 8 to a 4 since last mnth and I'm getting grey hair from worrying. And I'm only in my 30's. Early 30's at that. I told him that no matter how much he feels he is doing by bot speaking of it that I will get a bull dog( meaniest devorice lawyer around) and get this over with if I don't see results. His medical condition makes things a bit more difficult but hey life is short and my belief in marriage and men have been will never be the same so if I have to cut my loses I will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

sf - 
I have to say I'd be filing for divorce. You can always pull it back and stop it, but him not changing his cellphone number to possiby SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE is just simply unacceptable for a man who is supposedly committed to working it out with you. Lying to you -- or leaving you with the impression that he may be lying, and being ok with letting it sit that way -- would be the spark to ignite the fire for action toward drawing a hard & fast line. 

As I follow along your story I can't help but think you've got a lazy husband... either lazy overall, or lazy about you and your mariage. And he needs to be shocked into awakening, for YOUR sake either way.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

or "Inspect what you expect."


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sexuallyfustrated said:


> Now maybe I wrong but after yrs of being with my husband I know his voice. He said hello that was it sat for a few sec then hung up. I then called him from my phone to his real phone and told him I called it heard his voice and of course you know what he said. IT WASN'T HIM.


 How blatantly disrespectful.



sexuallyfustrated said:


> Just tell me. Is it me? Am i throwing away the chance to R


No, you aren't. He is.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Take a hard line. Close joint accounts and move the funds to one in your name only. Close all joint credit card or other loans or online accounts. Can you be self sufficient financially? Eliminate all joint spending if you can. Is separation legal where you are? Talk to a lawyer and have separation paperwork drawn up and have him prepare a negotiated divorce agreement. Put it all in front him and then ask the question - are you willing to work on us and provide me the security and safety I need in your actions or do we proceed with this paperwork. For sure, stop all sex and physical contact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

2xloser said:


> sf -
> I have to say I'd be filing for divorce. You can always pull it back and stop it, but him not changing his cellphone number to possiby SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE is just simply unacceptable for a man who is supposedly committed to working it out with you. Lying to you -- or leaving you with the impression that he may be lying, and being ok with letting it sit that way -- would be the spark to ignite the fire for action toward drawing a hard & fast line.
> 
> As I follow along your story I can't help but think you've got a lazy husband... either lazy overall, or lazy about you and your mariage. And he needs to be shocked into awakening, for YOUR sake either way.



See thats what I mean if he is not lying then he is giving me the impression he is. I called that number Sunday. He was to the movies with th kids and a woman answered sounded like her so I felt like ok she has that phone not him and I can rest easy. 
But....and there is always a but isn't there. I was going threw my drawer trying to find a top to put on and forgot I placed that phone in there I looked and there was a txt that read: Goodnight this is going nowhere. This was yesterday after he left for wk that I saw this and before I asked him the questions. Now that txt came in at around 9:54 pm Sunday night, he was hm at that time. However if I called that phone or txt it or call from it it does not wk. So how on earth did I get that txt?. 
It's a cricket phone and hers is verizon so this is what I did.
I txt the number that he says "he doesn't have and placed her number in it can't remember for the life of me what I txted but to hers I sent a txt from that cell saying: 

This is going nowhere. R us serious?! It's not suppose to. MARRIED remember. And it WILL NOT CHANGE. You need to just giv it a rest.
They can go back and fourth about it but he will never come to me with it because that would mean he is still communicating with her. 
Honeslty sometimes I feel I need to let it go because if its true and their is no contact like that between them I could be presenting some form of interaction by doing this.

Before this woman my husband and I had so much fun together. Our life, sex life, family everything seems great. Our family and friends wanted what we had. Really they actually said that. My sisters wanted their husbands to be like mine. They said I was spoiled and so where the kids( i posted some where we have 1 but that was a mistake we have 2).

He has always been a good provider. So he isn't lazy in that sense. He will wk, come home and help do things if I needed him to most times without asking but because I was a stay at hm mother I wouldn't allow it. I felt that was my job. He always told behave like I was his world. But I do believe he got to comfortable being that I was in the hm (the way he wanted it). Yes I had and have access to all moneys but I cooked, clean took care of the kids and him and keep my self right. I married at 25 and w have been together since I was 16. I us to read books like "A Wife After Gods Own Heart" and things like that because I wanted to do my part. What was expected of me. SO I allowed him to be the man of the house and as long I didn't feel he was leading me down a dead end I followed him. I think it went to his head.......both of them.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Take a hard line. Close joint accounts and move the funds to one in your name only. Close all joint credit card or other loans or online accounts. Can you be self sufficient financially? Eliminate all joint spending if you can. Is separation legal where you are? Talk to a lawyer and have separation paperwork drawn up and have him prepare a negotiated divorce agreement. Put it all in front him and then ask the question - are you willing to work on us and provide me the security and safety I need in your actions or do we proceed with this paperwork. For sure, stop all sex and physical contact.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


8yr....I am just getting back in the wk force ( I was a Hm maker for the most part of our marrigae (reluctently because I never wanted to be in this situation). And although we had everything nicely squared away when his medical condition hit instead of using saving or cking i gave him the money I had been putting aside. So there goes my safety net. But at that time I didn't know what was going on and low and behold a few weeks later I found out. And at the same time his condition worsen and money start going left and right. Now everything is pretty much trying to catch up and keep things going. Separtation is legal but I won't go that route for all of that I'll just finalize it all. I am looking for a lawyer to consult just the same though. I want to know my opitions. When i asked him about moving out he asked me where would he go. That he didn't have a place to go and didn't want to leave his family. He tired to have sex with me this morning and I told him it was a no go. And since that phone number is still the same it will remain that way.

I must admit thought i did toy with him though I intentionally got in bed naked last night and slept beside him lik that. ALLL night. IT WAS SOOOO MUCH FUN!!!:lol: Knowing he would NOT get any.
For those who think it's wrong....sorry...lol


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

NZHappy said:


> "Trust but check"


Ironically enough I want so very badly to trust him. I create situations, simple ones at that where I know what the truth is praying for t
Him to be honest and sometimes he does and sometime not so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> or "Inspect what you expect."


And that I try to do. I do this things before bring it up to him and even then I think of his feeling first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

DOn't be a tease. It could get violent on you in his frustration. The reason I suggested separation first was to let him sample life away from his family and home without going the full expense of a divorce. It may be enough to bring him back to reality. If he's said he wants to reconcile, stick to your boundaries and requirements for it to happen but don't be a b!tch about it. You want him to rekindle his love for you, so don't hammer him mercilessly or he will withdraw. It's a balancing act.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> DOn't be a tease. It could get violent on you in his frustration. The reason I suggested separation first was to let him sample life away from his family and home without going the full expense of a divorce. It may be enough to bring him back to reality. If he's said he wants to reconcile, stick to your boundaries and requirements for it to happen but don't be a b!tch about it. You want him to rekindle his love for you, so don't hammer him mercilessly or he will withdraw. It's a balancing act.


Violent.....lolol not likely. With all this going on for 3 yrs I have gone with him not touching me for any reason. For 9 mnths. Violent, yeah I don't think so. Yes he had and affair and yes I am not sure were or life will lead us. But, there are a few things that I DO know with certainty about him. He is a good provider, and a awesome father and until this he was a great husband and he has never layed a hand on me. He is more afraid of what I would do( that's why he hide the gun when things start coming out. With ever ounce of me 8 yr I am nowhere fearful of him becoming violent. His best bet is to just leave me before he thinks of that. I am not that woman. I have seen far to much of that with my sisters. 
I wasn't trying to tease him lastnight. But he kept asking after he walked in on memgetting ready to lotion up after my shower. I told him I wasn' t tell h he couldn't have me. I am his for the taking. But if his phone or anything or anyone is is more important that me than that his choice. He choose to not get any. I am more than ready. He said please just [email protected]&! Me and I said I don't have a problem with that. However I will more than happy continue to f&[email protected]! U when u stop f$&@#ing over me. No tease just straight to the point. Yes I would like things to get better and there is so much on his plated with Wk, health, bills and our marriage and I understand that and I always allow everything else to come before what I need because I don't want to stress him or make him sick but I feel and I have recently told him this, that he is taking advantage of that. And as long as I allow it to continue then he gets his way. Understand I'm nowhere near perfect but I was and I am their for this man. His condition got worse during the same time I found out about the affair and instead of ask a lot of questions instead of grieve for the lost of my marriage and cause more strain on him I dove right in to taking care of him, the kids, the house everything but me. I cried at night and was always thinking even in my sleep. sometimes I would drink just to get a good nights sleep, but not often cause I had to be aware of things incase I was need by them. I held things in to the point that in one one I dropped 8 lbs and my hair started breaking. Now he is better. Lots of mess to take but by the grace of god he is better. It's been a yr since he has been. And I was there throughout it. Not telling him I hate him like she does because he won't leave me. I love u, I hate u.... What the f. So I'm thinking it's ok, time to let go of the resentment and Wk this out only to find while we are going through this medical road trip back and fourth to the doctors still oh he has a phone and still commuincating with this Bitc$ ( that's the b$&[email protected]
Not me) and I'm ready things like if u live me like you say you will live her no matter what. Why won't u leave her. No I understand what you are saying 8 yr don't get me wrong I value all of the advice I get here and I thank you all for it. This is my therapy. On days that I don't post I read and if I don't my mind goes crazy with thoughts. But understand I am not a weak woman never has been. While ppl talking about their feelings is normal to me because everyone even my older sisters, mother and aunts come to me to talk this is not what I do

I bottle this up inside and take care of it myself and if I can't then I turn to the lord. Sad to say I have yet to turn to him. This makes me feel weak and it infuriates me. I know it shouldn't but this is not me talking about my feelings. He was the only person I ever did that with and now I have to go back to holding it in NO this reconciliation with go fourth not on his terms but ours. I feel that I did part I allowed him to get through his medical scare with no added pressure about the affair and blah blah blah now he owes me the respect of talking to me, doing right by me and respecting me the way that I have him. And he knows respect, loyality and trust and huge with me. So it's either we start rebuilding everything now on our terms or he can take his aZz on with the druggie, her 4 kids andjust pay me! Which the only way he would go to her is because he knows she wants him. Honestly he I don't think he will ever leave for her. He has said that she is not a woman he would bring around his kids(our kids) or take to meet his family. She is not. Woman he would have as his woman. She does to many things he doesn't like. But she is easier than going out finding someone and a man has needs. I ask why would he just mislead her like that why not tell her you don't like those things and go and try to make it Wk out since u won't have to hide it. His exact word were. She anit my wife and I'm not going over there with all those kids. That's her sniffing pow$&? I don't have anything to do with that. She was doing it when I met her. Yet in still I have to put up with this in order to not run him away while he decide weather he is in love with a druggie or his wife. I try to carry myself with respect for myself, him but also for my children. But it's getting old fast. And I know if I behave other wise it would make me feel bad about myself. Bitc&&y no not yet but believe you me when it comes there just might be some violence, bit not on his part. Sorry so long but
I'm getting feed up with being the class act about this. But again I do thnk you for your advice I have been putting some of it to good use but not pushing his buttons for fear that he make back away from reconciliation will not be one of them. Either he will or he won't either he does or he does not. I let him know what I need from this to help me be at peace and either he gets with it or GET OUT! Plan and simple.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

UPDATE: I had to go change my cell phon out and pay my bill and since I have a busy week I stopped in around 12pm. When I walk in I see Husband there (he suppose to be at wk but he is a Manager so he moves as he pleases....yeah I know). He was surprise to see me. He went to get his number changed. The guy told him to call customer service in order for him to get the fee waviered so he left with out getting it done, but at least he went. I thought he was going to drag it out a bit more since he says that " I want everything concerning this situation to be on my time table, when I want it done". If it was then it would have been done a lonf time ago doesn't he think. Anyway, at least he went so I'll give him points for that.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Your husband sounds like the type of man that can't take directions from a woman. God forbid he ever has to report to one at work. Sounds to me like you have it very much all together. Stick to thse needs and requirements for R. ANd I woudl definately get tested for STDs and no unprotected sex until he's away from this druggie and been tested. They tend to spread their legs for drugs. It's a had road I know. Lot's of ups and downs and a very hard time keeping your self on an even keel and not blowing up at him. Make yourself the better chioce and he will wake up. Noticed on beyondaffairs.com they suggest not hitting hard with a list of requirements until the WS is committed to R.The OW represents no restriction sor being told what to do and happpiness. A list could drive him the other way - why other with all the crap your proposing. Keep that until he's ready to commmit to NC and R.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Your husband sounds like the type of man that can't take directions from a woman. God forbid he ever has to report to one at work. Sounds to me like you have it very much all together. Stick to thse needs and requirements for R. ANd I woudl definately get tested for STDs and no unprotected sex until he's away from this druggie and been tested. They tend to spread their legs for drugs. It's a had road I know. Lot's of ups and downs and a very hard time keeping your self on an even keel and not blowing up at him. Make yourself the better chioce and he will wake up. Noticed on beyondaffairs.com they suggest not hitting hard with a list of requirements until the WS is committed to R.The OW represents no restriction sor being told what to do and happpiness. A list could drive him the other way - why other with all the crap your proposing. Keep that until he's ready to commmit to NC and R.


I have been tested and he has for his health reasons that has nothing to do with this. It seems as if we have to make the WS wnat us, choose us all over again. To jump through hoops to win them and their love and affection back. That sucks. My requirements are simple. DON"T CHEAT. Be for me what he wants from me and I will break my back to be what he needs. Anything else and it's not worth it. 
While I was cooking he sat down at the table and called and change the number. He told them that he was being harrassed for the lasy month so he wanted to change it so they could waive the fee.:lol:
All I could do was laugh and after he hung up I said to you you were telling the true because you more than likely meant me harrassing you to change the number. We laughed and left it at that.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I would suggest you go to website called beyondaffairs.com Click on the seminars tab and then the teleseminars tab and browse the list and listen to as many as you can. Lot's of really good healing information there and also suggestions for working with your WS. As can be expected, the push their services a lot but there is a a lot great info there. I listen to them in my car using my iphone connected to the car. There are also BAN network meetings shown on the home page for a lot of cities that are free and the teleseminars are free to attend if you register. Please check them out and let us know what think.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> I would suggest you go to website called beyondaffairs.com Click on the seminars tab and then the teleseminars tab and browse the list and listen to as many as you can. Lot's of really good healing information there and also suggestions for working with your WS. As can be expected, the push their services a lot but there is a a lot great info there. I listen to them in my car using my iphone connected to the car. There are also BAN network meetings shown on the home page for a lot of cities that are free and the teleseminars are free to attend if you register. Please check them out and let us know what think.


Hi 8yc. I just wanted to let you know that I have taken your advice and start to listen to some of the conference calls from Beyond Affairs. I started of course with The Take your life back call. I am realizing a few things and one that is really eating away at me is that I'm not allowing myself to heal out of fear. Fear that if I do and things come to light that it is not only my heart that will be broken but my spirit.

I also have come to terms with something else that was said. As much as I know that it will be hard and I know that I can do it if it came to it. I am very afraid of starting over and or being alone. It's not that I can't get ayone else i'm sure I can. It's more of the fact that I feel from watching and listening to the world around me that the dating world is bleak. I have been eith this man since I was 16 I am now 34. I know can do, hell he knows I can. And although i would never allow him to know this, I also know that I would rather not be single. But of course I stand firm on the fact that I would rather be single than share my husbadn/mate with anyone let alone trash. And I'm sure there is good in this woman. I have this thing about always trying to see the good in ppl and it is starting to bug me. And I know that it has nothing to do with her and more to do with him. I'll continue to listen to these calls and apply them to me and my life and alow it to help guide me into another direction. Becuase I'm growing tried of my own mind. It is becoming my worst enemy at this point I think. Or is it trying to tell me something.  I'm sad that I allow this thing to take a toll on me the way it has. I have been trying to eat more however I can't get my wieght back up and I know that it is because i am still stressing even though I try not to. I'm a worrier by nature but gee wiz this to alot. I'll keep working on me. and I will keep you all updated. Thank you for everything.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I thought they might help and I glad your listening. I found a lot of great guidance in them probably the most was a better understanding of my WS Wife. Personal healing for you is very tough and unfortunately only you can do it. Your WS can support and give comfort and do the right things but only you can heal you. Good luck and keep me updated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> I thought they might help and I glad your listening. I found a lot of great guidance in them probably the most was a better understanding of my WS Wife. Personal healing for you is very tough and unfortunately only you can do it. Your WS can support and give comfort and do the right things but only you can heal you. Good luck and keep me updated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


\ 

I am hurt yet again and this time I could barley cry 8year. Did I cause it on myself I don't know but what I do know is I ask my husband som questions and he got offensive and when I told him that I am not a child and not one of his employees that he will NOT speak to me in a disrespectful tone and morethings came out. I started shaking and went and got my purse and open the door to leave. While in the glass door I saw his reflection and he was smiling and when i turned and looked at him he looked away. I told him that i saw and he said it was because of the way i was acting. But I feel in my heart that wasn't it. While asking him some questions I ask about the NC with her and it came up she just quit this weekend (i said thats why you had your ass on your shoulder huh). Ileft went and got a drink and came back hm after bout and hour I saw the light go of in our rm. My son got up (his 9) and needed meds so I gave them to him. He saw me and said your eyes are red then said your crying....then said I love you. After I got him back to bed I went and woke him up. I told him if i couldn't sleep neither could he. That he had two choice be awaken by me turning on th light talking or by me tossing ice water on him. He refuses to talk and it drives me mad. I told him that he has to gout he won't he says he doesn't want to. If he woulf only talk to me......how do I get him to talk because if I can't like I told him he has to go.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

There is a teleseminars called getting your husband to talk. Go and listen to it. Your husband doesn't want to talk for a couple of reasons. First of all it is very hard to face himself in the mirror or to face your pain. My WS didn't want to talk either. She just wanted it all to go away. It wasn't until our MC told her she would need to answer questions to allow me to sort through it and asked her how we could do that that she finally started to open up. That teleseminar will give you some of the ways you need to behave and some things to think about in how you formulate your questions that will help. Ultimately I started writing my questions down and giving her time to think. I also stopped asking multiple questions like an interrogation and avoided questions that couldn't be answered until she was able to sort herself out - I asked them but left them as things I needed her to figure out and get back to me with answers I know your hurt and angry and want answers now. Just give it time and try to change your approach. Are you both in MC? what about IC for both of you?? Could you afford to do an individual coaching session with the folks at beyondaffairs or go to a weekend with them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Go and look at this link as well 
beyondaffairs.com - Healing a marriage after an affair

A teleseminar is comining up. Register on the site and you will get notices. Here is some info on the next one. 

COMPLIMENTARY TELESEMINAR COMING UP!!!

Thursday, July 14, 2011 at 6 pm pacific / 9 pm eastern
Topic: 9 Keys to Healing a Marriage from an Affair
Hosts: Passionate Life Coaches Guy & Tammie. 

Anne and Brian have developed and share the 9 keys to healing 
from an affair. Hear from another couple that also healed as 
individuals and as a couple. Allow their real-life experience to 
help you have the breakthrough and healing you are desperately 
desiring. Hear how to take those wounds and turn them into wisdom!"

To register send an email to [email protected] . We will
respond with your personalized code to join us. You may also write
in your questions in advance. We'll do our best to address these.
We look forward to helping you.

PS - Register early to make sure you get a spot! We are not always
able to respond to last minute requests on time.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> There is a teleseminars called getting your husband to talk. Go and listen to it. Your husband doesn't want to talk for a couple of reasons. First of all it is very hard to face himself in the mirror or to face your pain. My WS didn't want to talk either. She just wanted it all to go away. It wasn't until our MC told her she would need to answer questions to allow me to sort through it and asked her how we could do that that she finally started to open up. That teleseminar will give you some of the ways you need to behave and some things to think about in how you formulate your questions that will help. Ultimately I started writing my questions down and giving her time to think. I also stopped asking multiple questions like an interrogation and avoided questions that couldn't be answered until she was able to sort herself out - I asked them but left them as things I needed her to figure out and get back to me with answers I know your hurt and angry and want answers now. Just give it time and try to change your approach. Are you both in MC? what about IC for both of you?? Could you afford to do an individual coaching session with the folks at beyondaffairs or go to a weekend with them?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


8yr your right he just wants ot to go away and he has said that to me before. Everything seems go go great untill I start asking questions. Like i told him I use to read these marriage books. Like a wife after God's own heart: 12 things a wife needs to do in a marriage. I did those things so I wouldn't have to go through this. Again I ask him last night what did I do or not do that he would cheat and again he says nothing. 3yrs he has been saying the same thing. But he doesn't know why he did it. THERE HAS TO BE A REASON. I will check out getting your husband to talk. I can't live in a marriage where he shuts down and refuses to talk just to wait m out a few days thn it's back to normal like nothing ever happen.....WTH kind of thing is that. I use to do that but I got better about it because it leads me to more resentment and a bigger gap betwen use.

We have not been to MC or IC. For two reasons. I am not even sure he wants to and money wise. With his medical bills and they just went up on insurance (more out of his ck). Things are sooo tight right now. I was just thinking yesterday how I could lower some cost, cut back on things so it would help with the bills and make extra money to pay for a MC or IC (at least for me) because I really think I need it.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Call your insurance carrier. They may cover MC orIC. Then check around for an MC or IC and seewhat they will accept.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

WHe you stop askinghe will stoptalkingandI'm sure avoiding it becuase of his reaction. Listen carefully to that teleseminar and stick to the suggestionslike glue. You need to draw him out, not show anger and interrogate him.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Great idea 8yr about the insurance I really hope they do. I'm going to call. As for talking to him, yes if I stop asking he will stop talking about it although. He says he wants to let it go away on its own. I feel thats selfish. Am I wrong to feel this way. I would like to hear that I am wrong on some of these things that I am doing. That I'm not to feel, ask or think certain things or ways and maybe given a guide on to what i am to do. I know thats to black and white and I have been told before (when I was a bit younger By and employer when I followed they'er words to the T) that everything is not black and white that there are some grey areas (although that only went for her and some of the higher ups and i didn't kiss their butts).
When I ask questions about her or what happen I usually wait to things are calm, moving nicely. Lost of laughter and happiness for a few days. When we are in bed late night talking or just hanging out. Now last night I did not do that at all. What I did say was: Well since your already defensive and pissed lets get on something I know you don't want to talk about and then I ask how was the NC going of course he's like huh what are you talking about. There is none. I'm like you works together have this new thing going at wk your stressed about and you guys don't talk I don't believe it. Thats when he burted out she quit last wkend so there is NC. I told him that doesn't mean jack and thats not the only way they can talk. I asked if there was would he tell me and he said no because I stress to much as it is and loseing weight. I said he promised to tell me and he said he was doing what was best for me. I told him what was best for me was for him to stand by his word. he has no idea whats best for me. I asked why he didn't tell me she quit he said why it wasn't nothing to tell it wasn't important.

I told him I feel he wasn't going to say anything and have me think she still wked there so when he starts going some place else unknown to me I wouldn't think anything of it.
Last night I showed A HUGE AMOUNT OF ANGER and I must say it was more like an interrogation but it's not always like that and when it does become that way it's because he trys to shoot me down on it or I start feeling like my feelingare not as important to him as hers are or were or would be. I think a lot of this is in my head and I am making matters worse but I can't help but feel like I tld him last (that I am trying to when him back, make him fall in love with me and it should be the other way around and kissing his a** to when him back is no longer and option). I feel he should be trying to when ME. It's absurd really what we betrayed spouse seem to have to go through to win back the heart and love our a cheater..........hmmmmm


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

So sorry to read that your WH is rugsweeping and you are basically the one that's doing the work in R. He's not being transparent when he doesn't inform you about what happened with the OW and openly admits that he would not tell you if OW decided to fish. Check out this great chart made by Fighting2Survive at SI.










You are giving him the *precious gift of R* when he has done nothing to deserve it. You are trying to win back his love when it should be the other way around. He was the one who cheated. You should of course be working on yourself to be a better wife, but he is the one who should be doing the heavy lifting. Check out this great page on your rights.

Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights « betrayed but recovering


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> So sorry to read that your WH is rugsweeping and you are basically the one that's doing the work in R. He's not being transparent when he doesn't inform you about what happened with the OW and openly admits that he would not tell you if OW decided to fish. Check out this great chart made by Fighting2Survive at SI.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That is just how I feel and it's begining to make me wary.
I try to work on me because i am far from perfect and i know I never would be but I just want to be to a better me for me and the ppl around me. I will take a look at the chart and get back to you. Thank you for taking time out to help me. It means a lot.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Did you listen to the teleseminar I suggested?


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> There is a teleseminars called getting your husband to talk. Go and listen to it. Your husband doesn't want to talk for a couple of reasons. First of all it is very hard to face himself in the mirror or to face your pain. My WS didn't want to talk either. She just wanted it all to go away. It wasn't until our MC told her she would need to answer questions to allow me to sort through it and asked her how we could do that that she finally started to open up. That teleseminar will give you some of the ways you need to behave and some things to think about in how you formulate your questions that will help. Ultimately I started writing my questions down and giving her time to think. I also stopped asking multiple questions like an interrogation and avoided questions that couldn't be answered until she was able to sort herself out - I asked them but left them as things I needed her to figure out and get back to me with answers I know your hurt and angry and want answers now. Just give it time and try to change your approach. Are you both in MC? what about IC for both of you?? Could you afford to do an individual coaching session with the folks at beyondaffairs or go to a weekend with them?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi 8yr, I have just got a chance to sit still and listen. My computer sound stop working so I had to get that taken care of. So as i am typing they are doing the introductions. I'll keep you posted. Thanks


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Update: I started tracking my Husband by cell phone on Tuesday night. Low and behold the area in which he was in was where the OW lived. I ask him about it when he got hm (I didn't tell him how I knew) and of course it was one thing after another. I did it again last night and again same area. Niether time was that long. And I didn't meantion it to him last night because I not only don't want to hear anymore excuse I am not set to leave just yet. I feel like why keep bring it to his attention and I'm still there. My game plan is this(my sister who has been through it is helping) get my money in order. She says don't leave the house (which I already knew that) and get my money up. I would never find another mortage like I have and this is sooo true. My car is paid off so no worries there. But because they charge more if you drive a luxury car my insurance is high. But I'll figure that out. I have started out buy finding out how much it takes to run our house hold. He did all that stuff when he got sick to keep an eye on money as for meds. I told him there are things I want to reduce or cut back on or just plan change. In efforts to save money which is the truth but I am doing it so that WHEN I put him out I can better manage things. While we have a business it's not making much at this point and he does work as well, so I've started looking yesterday for a part time job a couple days a wk during the hours our kids are in bed for the night and before they get up in the moring. That way I can still run my own business and the kids won't miss me. I need to get into the routine of carrying the weight of everything now so that It won't be soooo hard when it does happen. I get alot of help from him in the house hold area so doing it alone will be an adjustment but I'll start now and just tell him don't worrie rest I have it. So he won't start wondering why. He does most of the ordering for the business so I am now going taking over as of today. So if I can tweek a few things then I won't have to wk the part time job for long before I start seeing more money from the business. Combine that with saving as much as possiable and cutting back I feel I can do it with out him. Yes it will be hard but I can still live and have my kids comfortable with some hard work and discipline. He made a comment a few times when he would say you should just leave me ( he wants me to put him out so he won't look like the bad guy. At least that's what I thingk) and I would tell him If he wanted to go just go. He would say "I don't have anywhere to go. I can't afford to pay for two places". So the nxt time he suggest I leave him(if I don't put him out before hand) the changes that I am implimenting now would make it easier for him to go. We are doing somethings to the house inside and out so I will allow those things to take place (less I have to do when he leaves) and I will still bank my money. I know him enough to know he will leave me with the business and the house. Mainly becuase of the kids. But for the most part he isn't a cruel guy. I just can't take much more of this thing he has with this chic. At this point it's a EA not back to physical. 
He says he thinks I have sex with him to keep him from going out getting it from her (his words the other night. That, that was the only reason....ahhh really). We had that talk before and I told him that was why I was doing it even when I was clearly to sore to do anything and he said he figured and that I didn't have to do that he was happy and wasn't going anywhere( yeah right) But that was then and it wasn't all the time either. He knows that it was just something to justify him. I honestly feel that he thinks that he will just leave for a few weeks, mnths what ever an then he will come back and said he made a mistake. That he wants his marriage and because of the kids I will take him back. That all the yrs I have put in. All the fight I have put into this R. However that is why I am fighting so hard. Because if we couldn't make it work after 18yrs together 8 of them married and all but one in the same house then why would I allow him to leave have his good time and come back to me and I take him back. If I am not worth the fight, the time, the work that it takes then why try it again. I wrote him a letter this moring letting him know that I loved him and the reasons I do. I have also listed some of the hurtful things that he has said and done to hurt me again and again and yet still I love him. But I let him know that because I cry and fight for our marriage it doesn't make me weak (just incase he thought that, he has never said it). It does not make me crazy to want him after this either. It means that I want him. But to show him that I don't need him I am willing to let him go and live the life he wants. I said I love you and want to and choose to be here and hope you do too.
Now let me explain something. I did that to buy time. If I would have said leave, go ahead live your life we can figure out the marital property and blah blah blah...then maybe he would have ran with it and maybe he wouldn't. My guess is he wants me to stay and be his wife and shut the hell up about the rest but that will never happen. Now after pouring my heart out to him he will be compaled to think twice at least for a little longer. I didn't do that to get him on the right rd to R but to keep him there untill Ican afford for him to leave. 
I know some would say that is unfair or whatever but so is what I am going through. What I have had to endure. And for this man to keep hurting me for sexual pleasure that has turn emotional with this woman is wrong. Because I don't see him staying with this woman but hey who knows they may get together and be married untill death, man who knows. But I must do whats in my best interest and this, I feel is it. 
I am moving forward without him if anything changes on his end then I'll think about it but I somehow feel if I get a true taste of total independence and know that I can go it alone and be alright I'll never turn back. And with all this, another relationship is highly unlikely with anyone. This is going to be a ride of a life time.....wish me luck.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

You are doing the precisely the right things for YOU and that should be your only consideration - he appears to have very little of the same for you or your feelings. It takes TWO who want to reconcile to R. He isn't there yet. Protect yourself financially by closing credit cards, accounts, etc. before you pull the trigger and throw him out. If you know me, you know I don't support ending it until you have worked through the shock and are on stable ground because it is a long term decision that shouldn't be taken in the heat of the moment or anger. I think it is always best to R. But, it takes two and you CAN'T make up his mind or drive him to man up and do the right thing. Everyone has their limits. Congrats on newfound sense of self and being capable of living without him.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> You are doing the precisely the right things for YOU and that should be your only consideration - he appears to have very little of the same for you or your feelings. It takes TWO who want to reconcile to R. He isn't there yet. Protect yourself financially by closing credit cards, accounts, etc. before you pull the trigger and throw him out. If you know me, you know I don't support ending it until you have worked through the shock and are on stable ground because it is a long term decision that shouldn't be taken in the heat of the moment or anger. I think it is always best to R. But, it takes two and you CAN'T make up his mind or drive him to man up and do the right thing. Everyone has their limits. Congrats on newfound sense of self and being capable of living without him.


8yr, I keep telling him that it takes two but all I here is talk. He still stays firm on the no MC (he won't talk HIS business.....oh really huh) so ok again I bend to his will and say then don't, talk to me. I'm not a talk he says. I remember a time he talked to me all the time about all types of things. But I'm dying inside day by day by. A little more of me dies and I gotta stop before on day I look in the mirror and someone else is looking back. I am a true Taurean woman ( my sister called and gave me a link she laughed so hard and said this is you this is you) it was dead on
http://www.iloveindia.com/astrology/sun-
signs/taurus/woman.html.
It takes a lot for me to say enough but I'm tapped out; ENOUGH. I would like to reconcile, I thought we where on the rd there and I was looking forward to it. But I just felt like something was wrong. Anyway we have 3 CC and only on of them I share with him and I took that into account when I was tallying up the bills and not the others. As for the accounts There is the business account that I'm over at one Bank and the account he has a another Bank that I'm on with him. We write bills on there and nothing else then there is the saving we have together. I am opening up another Checking and Savings account at a Credit Union that he will not be aware of. And a PO Box and send all info to my sisters home. She's into CD's, Bonds, and property (learned it from her stbxh family no less) and she will guide me. 
Living without him will be scary. I have been with him for so very long but you know what got me to this point. I remembere something from last yr. I went to a church I was invited to by someone who was going because they were invited. The guest Prophet speaker(and untill that night I did not believe they were real). I had never layed eyes on this man and he start telling me my life word for word. Things that I knew and didn't know. My mother even started crying (she went too). I didn't cry or anything I just looked and listen in amazement. One thing came back from that night. This man look me in my eyes and said to be in these words:

IT DOES NOT MATTER HOW LONG YOU HAVE BEEN WITH THAT PERSON OR HOW MUCH HISTORY. IF THEY CAN'T GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED OR CAN'T BE THERE FOR YOU THE WAY YOU NEED THEM TO BE AS YOU DO FOR THEM LET THEM GO.

It became clear. I keep praying so that I know that I am doing the right thing. I pray for guidence in this and I will continue to pray. But those words came like a thief in the night and from that point on I was convinced.
I'm so scared that I'm nauseas but I can't back down I feel something and I'm not sure what it is but I'm looking forward to find out what it is.
Thank you for all that you have said to help me and I will keep you posted. Sometimes I do still just want to wait untill he is in a deep sleep and pour ice water on him but I try to keep it together. With everyother aspect in my life I'm usually very cool, calm but this man, this man, this man......I'll get over it though.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Don't do a Lorena Bobbit on him though! It'll just land you in jail. Maybe sprinkling a lab sample of crotch crabs in his crotch then stop having sex with him. Let the OW know what pain the crotch he is!!! I'm am so glad your in more happy, self confident place. You can't force him to man up. He obviously isn't one!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

OH, and I say this as a confidence builder - I would never cheat on my wife in spite of..... You sound like a wonderful lady that if I wasn't attached, I'd love to get to know and displace his A$$. I'm an old fart but still have more drive than wife can handle. WIsh you all the best and know that some lucky guy will give you the love, respect and great sex you deserve. Wish it could be me!


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Don't do a Lorena Bobbit on him though! It'll just land you in jail. Maybe sprinkling a lab sample of crotch crabs in his crotch then stop having sex with him. Let the OW know what pain the crotch he is!!! I'm am so glad your in more happy, self confident place. You can't force him to man up. He obviously isn't one!


:rofl: No No No....No Lorena Here. The ice water would have made me happy. When things first happen I did lose abit of my confidence. I was like but but but look at her. Guess she does things in bed that I won't, wouldn't or couldn't and I know I'm good at what I do. But I can never give him what she does and she can never give him what I can and rather than wait around for him to choose I'll just let him have at her. I have always been a confident woman but I kinda feel more at peace or at least getting there.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> OH, and I say this as a confidence builder - I would never cheat on my wife in spite of..... You sound like a wonderful lady that if I wasn't attached, I'd love to get to know and displace his A$$. I'm an old fart but still have more drive than wife can handle. WIsh you all the best and know that some lucky guy will give you the love, respect and great sex you deserve. Wish it could be me!


Are there really men that don't cheat...it seems like a urband legand. My sister said last night after telling her about my husband who even my family thinks is the golden child that it doesn't give her much hope of finding a man that does not cheat. Don't mean to offend anyone but sometimes thats how it feels and from reading somethings here I can see were men may feel the same way about woman.
As for me being wonderful, I'm not perfect but I am working on me and I tried to be a wonderful woman for him. Someone he could be proud of (shrug) guess that wasn't enough..oh well.
And that does make me feel a heck of a lor better and I really than you for it too:smthumbup:. I don't think that is for me anymore I think I have missed my chance with the true love stuff so I'll have to get use to it. And I really want the great sex with it do...dang it


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

It's never to late for true love or great sex! It's your strength and heart I love and I'm sure you have the physical attributes and skills to blow my mind!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Then again, I'm a dirty old bastard!


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Dirty old baster huh.....thats most of my customers .
I'm a hard ass I must admit but for the right person it takes a back seat to whats in our best interest rather than mine. It took a long time and some prayers from some of everyone to get me to that point. I mean I'm fairly young but old enough to know and understand that if you think of everything as a battle and go in for a fight then you loose the war. When I said I do 8yrs ago I left a lot of those things about me behind. I toned down my strength and I opened my heart which is opposite to what I was when we met (but hey I was 16 then). I thought if he hadn't hurt me in such a awful way then I was safe. Little did I know. So the fact that through words you can see all that makes me proud. 
I'm not a bad looking female by far.;-) At least I don't think so. Truth of the matter is my husband gets jealous because most of our customers are men and h says he watches them around me and that most of them come in just to see me. I find that funny when he is the one having the Affair. The OW is completely different then I am. I look at her then him and wonder how on earth did he even get it up. Guess variety is the spice of life.

Don't know her size but it's pretty big (I'm 124lbs....was a 8 but after all this I'm a 4) Darn stress. She is missing a teeth or two ( I have all mine. Smokes, drinks like a fish and does drugs ( I don't smoke and can't breath around it, drinks here or there unless I'm extremely upset then I drink enough but not were I am out of it (she does) and If it's not a prescription I don't take it and don't always take what they give me after reading the darn side effects. We both have children her two more than I. And from what I hear she is a good mother if you don't factor in the rest and just the fact that she works hard and does a lot with them. She is Caucasian and I African American. Add that to th fact that she has slept with my brother(something he or I didn't know untill I told my brother about it in the begining and he said he slept with her. And one of my brother inlaws before he and my sister were married yet she was always around my sister and never said anything. While she was sleeping with my husband. Sh may in fact be a good person but to me she is has help distroy my world. 

I won't and don't have a problem getting a man. I never have and it seems the older I get the younger I look. I LOVE IT!!! I look better at 34 than I did at 24 and hitting thm gym is really creating a frenzy. But I extremely picky and I am NOT a dater. I have been with this man since I was 16. I'm not to keen on the idea of being with another man sexually either.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Take your time girl! There is lots of it left and you never know, he may still wake up one day from that tequila (tokillya) sunrise and realize what ass he is being. If not, I'm sure you'll do just fine and find someone worthy of you.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Take your time girl! There is lots of it left and you never know, he may still wake up one day from that tequila (tokillya) sunrise and realize what ass he is being. If not, I'm sure you'll do just fine and find someone worthy of you.


I hope so. The do just fine part that is. He just left at 10:09 pm and said he has somethings his Aunt wants him to do last min for his family reunion tomorrow. Which could be true, she does that alot. His whole family really and he mainly does it and then he complains. he sits down beside me and says in a very patronizing tone: 

Him: I'll be back ok
Me: Why are you saying it like that
Him: Because I know how your gonna start thinking. I just gotta make some runs. You can call me if you need me
Me: Where are you going ( he tells me)
Him: Thats cool
Me: Sure
Him: Is everything going to be alright
Me:Are you going anywhere your not suppose
Him: No
Me:I hope not cause I'll know
Him: How
Me: Womans intuition

A little more small talk Bull and he is out the door.
The best part about this 8yr......I din't even flinch!!


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

What the hell is he shedding tears for!!!!!!!!!! What ever!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

What do you mean shedding tears? Your spouse?


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> What do you mean shedding tears? Your spouse?


Yes. HIM! When he came back home last night from being there. I know because looked it up. When I got out the shower he was on the couch. After I got dressed I went in to write. He kept trying to make small talk and say things like yea I was over blah blah place and had a beer. I didn't finish it there though I brought it with me. As if that was proof. I didn't entertain him because I wanted no part of making him feel like I was believeing his lie. After a bit ( with more small talk here and there) it was after 12 and he kept asking me when I was going to try and get some sleep and that I had not been sleeping and I need rest. I.told him I was writing and that he should go ahead. He ask was I coming anytime soon I said no. He ask was I sleepy I said yes. He said but you have to much on your mind huh. I replied yep. He said me too. I didn't say a word..he then sat back down. I turned off the computer and just turned a little and looked at him. I am beyond words with him. Nothing I say or has said.changes a thing so now I just keep quite most times. He said what are you.going to do with me. I replied what are you going to do with yourself. He said give up. I ask why would.you do.that. you have a lot going for you that would be ashame. Just in a calm and really none interested manner. His eyes get glossy and tears.start to roll down and he say I have really messed up. I say oh yeah how you figure that. He says I.messed.up an perfect life when I didn't have a reason too. I said apparently it was not perfect. He said it was to me. He said while rubbing my hair because he knew I was getting a migraine with everything and said I have.a beautiful wife and.beautiful kids and a great life with Yall. I simply said but that's not enough. He said yes it is. I just looked smiled like I do when I'm being feed be and it better stop quick and he said I don't know what's wrong with me. I just looked away and told him to go to bed he had an early morning and he ask was I even coming to bed I replied I was not sure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Remorse? Facing himself? If it's true, it's a very good sign.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Remorse? Facing himself? If it's true, it's a very good sign.


Not the first time he has cried. Not the first time he has said things of this nature. I feel that he is not torn between which one he wants but not wanting to hurt either one of us. I told him as much once. I am his wife and mother of his children. We have been together for so long an I have been here for him. He doesn't want to hurt her because he has been dealing with her for a few yrs now, told her he loves her( but oddly enough never said he would leave me, which is one of there biggest arguments....this I know) she tell him if he loves her he will leave me know matter what. I have the txting she sent the other phone to prove it. Add that to the fact that he git het pregnant twice( she had abortions even though she wanted to keep them) so I think he feels he owes both of us. What ever the case....I AM NOT BUYING IT. Remorse huh.....time will tell. My sister days make sure I can stand alone when I comes to a head financially and so do you all and of course this I know but its getting hard to smile and stomach.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Listen and respond " actions and no contact then we can THINK about R". Until then all I'm hearing is a plea for sympathy and waterworks and you don't deserve a response!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Listen and respond " actions and no contact then we can THINK about R". Until then all I'm hearing is a plea for sympathy and waterworks and you don't deserve a response!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what it is to me as well 8 yr a sympathy plea and it's starting to piss me off. I can ignore him, I can lay down my demands and stick to them. I can even try and reconcile if I feel it is really and truly what's is going forward as but I have never been good at lying, or biting my tongue. I'm to real of a person and while you won't here from me until I feel it's time when you do it's real. I speak my mind. I give the truth as well as respect and damn it I not only deserve it I demand it from all. Especially him. Biting my tongue is painful.....I don't like pain. Holding my peace feels like its benefiting him and I know it benefits me too until I reach my goal what ever that may be R or D but its killing ne and making me very angry!!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Listen and respond " actions and no contact then we can THINK about R". Until then all I'm hearing is a plea for sympathy and waterworks and you don't deserve a response!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But I am going to try that. The nxt time and there will be one that's what I'm going to say. BTW I knew where she lived but last night I drove the area in his car to find it. So the nxt time he thinks I'm stationary at hm with kids and he can go visit was going to drop kids off to sisters and go by. Park my car walk to his hopefully he is in the house cause I was going to knock on the door and ask for him ( she lives with her parents and all her kids) or sit in the back seat of his car because I have a key and wait for him to get in. Kinda shirk the shut outta hit. Literally I hope. What do you think? Although it may not change my mind but I would like to know your thoughts in this one for sure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Definitely a confrontation, don't know that it will accomplish anything. He has to make up his mind and unfortunately I don't know that doing that is going to change anything. Be careful the cops aren't called on you for harassment or trespassing. You'd have to catch him going there before he goes on the property to be safe. I think you would do better by telling him a legal separation is being processed, he will have to move out and you have talked to an attorney about D. It is no contact or your proceeding. And do it. I don't know anything else is going to effect him.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Definitely a confrontation, don't know that it will accomplish anything. He has to make up his mind and unfortunately I don't know that doing that is going to change anything. Be careful the cops aren't called on you for harassment or trespassing. You'd have to catch him going there before he goes on the property to be safe. I think you would do better by telling him a legal separation is being processed, he will have to move out and you have talked to an attorney about D. It is no contact or your proceeding. And do it. I don't know anything else is going to effect him.


No no it's not to make him do any different. I should have been more clear. He is one of Jose if you didn't see me then it wasn't me guys. So I just want to look him in his face so there is no doubt. I saw you l, you saw me and were good. It's my mail in the coffin so to speak. He just left to go " wash his car". I actually have a smile on my face while I get in the shower. The only thing I aim to accomplish here is that I am not his fool and now that I do SEE you. Were still cool just meet me to the lawyers on Monday. 8 yr it's just the pretending on my part is really eating at me. So tell me how to stop that so I can go on as plan please before I act without thinking fully. I am to young to feel thus worn out. I need to hit the weights today it something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

OK, now your asking me to stop you. Make up your mind. Do you want to try or don't you. If you do, settle down and work with him. Don't taunt him, don't push him, just state your boundaries and wait. If you can't do that, file and maybe, just maybe he will come to his senses before it's final. It took time for wife to turn. And a statement she had two choice. Go NC and start REALLY working on R or separation and D soon. I wasn't mean about it, didn't mess with her head. Just laid it out.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> OK, now your asking me to stop you. Make up your mind. Do you want to try or don't you. If you do, settle down and work with him. Don't taunt him, don't push him, just state your boundaries and wait. If you can't do that, file and maybe, just maybe he will come to his senses before it's final. It took time for wife to turn. And a statement she had two choice. Go NC and start REALLY working on R or separation and D soon. I wasn't mean about it, didn't mess with her head. Just laid it out.[/QUOTr
> Not asking for.you to stop me I already driving t either that hum bug. I. House mehere. Not waiting for him to choose either. That's hum bug. I.choose me. If he is there then he choose her. I done
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

sexuallyfustrated said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE
> 
> Just like I thought. I.just left......I am done reply more later
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

PLease do. Did he see you? I'm sorry he's being such an a$$. How long has it been since D-day for you. I lose track with all the posters on here. If it hasn't been long, like I said, kick him out, get a legal separation and tell him it;s nc and r or D in month when the papers are finalized.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

O


8yearscheating said:


> PLease do. Did he see you? I'm sorry he's being such an a$$. How long has it been since D-day for you. I lose track with all the posters on here. If it hasn't been long, like I said, kick him out, get a legal separation and tell him it;s nc and r or D in month when the papers are finalized.


Did he see me....Hell yeah I meant for him to see me. I told.you the last time I said I knew where he was he said DID YOU SEE ME. So I wanted him to see me. I called when I was pulling up and he came put side to answer. He was like what's up baby then turn and saw me pulling up and I said that's up.
I got out and ask who's house was it he said hers. I ask why he was even there he said he shrugged. I started toward the door and he stopped me. He said I'll get her but didn't so I went and knocked on the door. She came out saw me and went back in an slammed the. I called the house and her mom answered although he didn't want me to do that cause they didn't know. I told her that the guy that was in her house was married and I was his wife and she has been cheating with him and I was outside. Then I called her and she.didn't answer. I left a message saying that for the last five yrs I have had to deal with her. I don't know what's wrong with her that she can't get her own man. And she must be sucking, f$%&ing, and swallowing the Hell outta him and has got to be good because.he keeps coming back. Your woman enough to deal with a married man but not woman enough to deal with the consequences. I told her she will always have to deal with me because I am the mother of his children and she will always wonder when he comes around me. If she wanted him that bad come see me. 
We talked out side of her house for almost an hour I think. I kept asking hi to talk and he finally said. This is not you. This is not like you. This is not what you do. Or how you act. I said like what heartbroken, hurt, in pain, betrayed, deceived, used, lied too ( you get my drift). He said you take it out on ke not them. Anyway more blah blah and he.finally said you wanna know why I keep coming. It's not physical I like her I like spending time with her. To that I said and that's all you had to say. 
We met at hm and talk in the bed room where I told him that I can't afford the house alone and he can't afford to leave so we can sleep on separate rms and I can get a night job and start living my life myself with out him as hard a it will be that I am willing to take the rest. I am not willing to go through a marriage wondering. I will get things started for the divorce and in 31 days if not contested he can be a free man. We will figure things out and can share custody of the kids.because i know he will do right.by them but this is not what I will stand for and I know my worth as a woman,.wife, mother, and friend and its more than this. He flat out refused and said he will not sign. I ask why and he.said.he wants to be here if he didn't he would have left. I ask why he didn't in the beginning he said he didn't want to ghetto want his family. And he will do what it takes now. I told him I heard that before and that if that's what he wants then he will have to prove it because as of now I don't believe a word he says and I will start tomorrow setting my life in a direction that does not include being married to him. I am setting my self up to.be single. He said no you are not.because I'm not going anywhere and we will.be together. He said I.was to angry to think straight. Because I was to calm. REALLY!! 
5 yrs I have been dealing with this 8 yr. I found out the day after my 5 yr anniversay in 08. Then I found the phone on my bday this yr and now this. Stick a fork in me I'm done. I want him out and he won't go. I will figure the money part out but I want out and if I went back I tho.k I would always wonder should I just have left.
I
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

You may see an about face from him now. I guess I didn't understand it had been 5 years. At this point I would wait a few weeks and see if he puts action behind his words. What do you have to lose?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

sexuallyfustrated said:


> 8yearscheating said:
> 
> 
> > OK, now your asking me to stop you. Make up your mind. Do you want to try or don't you. If you do, settle down and work with him. Don't taunt him, don't push him, just state your boundaries and wait. If you can't do that, file and maybe, just maybe he will come to his senses before it's final. It took time for wife to turn. And a statement she had two choice. Go NC and start REALLY working on R or separation and D soon. I wasn't mean about it, didn't mess with her head. Just laid it out.[/QUOTr
> ...


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> You may see an about face from him now. I guess I didn't understand it had been 5 years. At this point I would wait a few weeks and see if he puts action behind his words. What do you have to lose?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I left out certain parts along the way. Like the two preganacies that they terminated because he didn't want more children but that was not the case he judt didn't want any by her. Because he has since ask me about having a girl. 

An about face you say...
Wait a few weeks you say....
I don't have anything to loose you correct. I have already lost almost everything when it comes to that situation but I'm still standing and I feel stronger than ever. I have not gotten emotional. I didn't cry or tear up. I didn't act a fool or any sort (in my opinion). Of course he thought I wa because i called them. he is use to me behaving in a different way but I am tired of being the class act about this and I just want it over.

I'm going to keep pushing forward on my end.
An about face you say. Well I have just put my plan in to action. At this point the only reason I will endure him is financially and that is it. He is of no beneifit to me at this point. 

He was in her house
sitting just small talk
just going to talk to her we just chilling
i just like spending time with her
i don't know why, i'm confused

I would have never went there 8yr not today if it wasn't for one thing.
THIS MAN, MY HUSBAND SLEPT WITH ME ALL NIGHT. WE HAD SEX ALL NIGHT LONG. IN THE EARLY HOURS OF THE MORNING. SLEPT AND STARTED AGAIN. AND 3 MORE TIMES DURING THE DAY. Till about 4 p.m. He got up fixed some food brought it in the bedrooma dnwe ate off of one plate. Didn't even shower before he left so my sex my scent was still on him when he left to go spend some time with her. IS THiS FREAKING MAN SERIOUS. No sir that was the last straw. That was just disgusting. Did I mean that little or she that much. He had to get to her like that!!! ,Naw About face you say.......I think I'll past. 

By the way I'm sorry if I made you feel like I wanted you to tell me what to do. That wasn't the case at all. I already knew what I was going to do. But when I get like that I know i don't think straight and focus and I guess i just wanted logic over emotion which I was full of and my sister was not around today.
Forgive me. I ususally think first but there are times when I get feed up and it's F*&^ it all.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> You may see an about face from him now. I guess I didn't understand it had been 5 years. At this point I would wait a few weeks and see if he puts action behind his words. What do you have to lose?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I was just thinking. What i have to loose you say. i think more dignity and self respect by waiting for him to decided yet again. We deserve more as this men/womens partners. The ppl that are mothers and fathers to there children abd been through the ringer with them. Wait for them to re-commite to his family. Sounds to much like I'm begging this man to be with me and I DON'T HAVE THAT TO DO. If you met him yourself you would love him. Everyone does he helps anyone, a good friend, brother, he is a great guy and I know I would be loosing a lot on that part. I truly when it comes to the rest I know I have been blessed and spoiled and shelterd, so my family tells me. But this......5yrs......I think I towed my line. Everyone has there breaig point and well this is mind. 

HOW MUCH MORE DO i HAVE TO ENDURE FOR HIM TO GET WHAT HE WANTS IN THE END. BECAUSE IF ALL COMED DOWN TO THEM IN THE END. To me the WS wins either way. They get there Lover if they choose that or there mate if they choose that.:scratchhead: How do I win in this?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

You have already won by finding that you can survive with or without him. What he is doing is so selfish, so self centered because he is not considering you or your feelings at all. He is scared sh!tless right now because you showed that independence and self control. He knows you no longer need him and will not tolerate his bull any longer. You just busted out of the cage he thought you were securely in and under his control and he knows your locked and loaded and ready to take his a$$ out of the equation. That is a HUGE win for you. Congrats on your determination, strength and most of all freedom to take control of your life. Believe me, he is scared sh!tless of the new you. I am in no way advocating caving in. Keep your strength and your defenses up and make him work his a$$ off to EARN your love and you back. I'm only suggesting waiting to pull the trigger. Continue and get the paperwork going and put it under his nose so he knows you are really ready to be done. Then hold. I think you will be very surprised at the complete about face he does. He is going to be falling all over himself to make you happy. Watch the show and keep your smile inside and relish it! A huge ATTA GIRL AND HUGS TO YOU!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

One more thing. Move his butt out of the bedroom. And while I hate sex being used as a weapon, in this case you wouldn't be. He doesn't deserve it. Limit contact to affection - holding hands, cuddling etc. NO more sex till he is showing a LOT of actions. You need him to understand you are not his until he is solely yours.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> One more thing. Move his butt out of the bedroom. And while I hate sex being used as a weapon, in this case you wouldn't be. He doesn't deserve it. Limit contact to affection - holding hands, cuddling etc. NO more sex till he is showing a LOT of actions. You need him to understand you are not his until he is solely yours.


I understand what your saying about me winning but at this point I just feel violated, disgusted that he would go there after being with me and being so attentive and act as if yes you are right I am wrong for doing this but we are just talking. Again he didn't even shower or wash off first. Thats just NASTY. And shocking he usually has to.be so.clean and well kept.......nasty ass. I'm hollow at this point and while I am extremely focused on what I am doing I still feel at a lost. I no longer feel the need to know why or want to ask question because it is meaningless at this point. And to ask him more would give him the upper hand and make it seem as if I care and I no longer do. To listen to him plea and say over and over again how sorry he is and then let it sit and go back to status quoe is not an option. I know longer want to sleep in the bed at all. He can have it. I slept on the couch. My couch is very comfortable so I don't feel put out. When we were going over sleeping arrangements I said he can have the bed or I and he gave me a look. I said what does that mean. He said if I have to sleep on the couch I will just go get a room. I told him to go ahead. And for all that he could just take his things with him because I would prefer it. He later offered me the bed but I told him I was fine and I was already settled. Honestly I knew what things were going to come to yesterday. Because the day before we were at his family reunion and he had no chance to call or go by. So I knew it was going to be D-day that's one reason I choose to sleep with him like I dod because I figure it would be our last so make it good. I saw it coming and felt it in my heart that's why even now there are no tears. I have my divorce papers in hand and I will be sitting to the table filling them out in front of him. Only god vsn save us now. And since I no longer pray for that and only that his will be done what happens next well, your guess is as good as mine. Thx for everything. You have really been a blessing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

De Nada or no thanks necessary. You are for all intnets and purposes in shock from yesterday. Please do as I sugegsted and give things a chance to cool dwon and for him to show his true colors. He will behave like I said or he will fall back into his ways in which case you are prepared to be done. Jsut don't make a final for a couple fo weeks and see what happens. Expect the worst but hope for the best. While your waiting, list the things you expect him to do to see if you can love him again.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> De Nada or no thanks necessary. You are for all intnets and purposes in shock from yesterday. Please do as I sugegsted and give things a chance to cool dwon and for him to show his true colors. He will behave like I said or he will fall back into his ways in which case you are prepared to be done. Jsut don't make a final for a couple fo weeks and see what happens. Expect the worst but hope for the best. While your waiting, list the things you expect him to do to see if you can love him again.


In shock. That implies that I didn't expect it and we all know I did. What I am is pissed and yesterday keeps running through my mind as well as other things. I was remembering when I found the secret phone and we talked and he said I should leave him because he would always cheat on me. I thought it was because I had pulled away so far and there was no sex or nothing adequate from either of us. Now I understand. He had gotten a taste of the thrill of it all. No he doesn't want to be single but I won't allow myself to be used any longer as a scapegoat. Dunno what he tells her the reason is he can't live but I am going to free him up. If he doesn't want to be with her she will soon find out it is not because of me. He told ne the other night when I ask what his problem wad that he thinks I am. Wow what a blow I thought. Well I will no longer be HIS or HERS problem. No final decision...ok I can do that. But its not to wait for him let's just get that straight. I won't be about him. I make sure I am being very level headed before ripping my kids world to shreds. Because he didn't. 
I choose not to expect anything nor will I hope for anything. I can only take so much disappointment and I have had 5yrs of it. I thinks its fair enough to say I have not only had enough of it but waiting long enough. 
I value your advice j hope you know that...I really do. Not just your but all who has posted and those who just read because u hope my pain helps them however I will not be making that list 8yr. I don't want to know if I can l can love him again. Loving him is no longer what I choose to do. If I stay it will just be financial. I would have to fake everything. I am much to straight forward a person for that. That's why I had to go yesterday. It had to stop. It was killing me. To ignore it and stay I would have to have sex for financial reasons and that's not my style. I rather struggle financially without him then stay married to him and wonder. Again let's gods will be done because I am willing myself in a different direction. I have hurt enough and my heart is in case with stone,cement and iron. I think I can rest easier that way. If no one can get in no one can hurt me and at this point that is enough
for me.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Ok so tell me what game this clown is playing now. ROSES!! Is he serious. WHY. I ask him about a mnth ago why he doesn't just by me flowers just because and he says it's a waste of money and that if he did it would be when he wants too. I guess now he wants too? I saw on facebook back in April on the samed wkend I was out of town she post some roses on a hotel bed and said something like he knows how to make up and could this be someone that is half the man her daddy is time will tell. I ask him was that about him he said no but i don't believe that. Anyway. I never said anything to the flowers I just stood there in shocked and looked. He said he ws going to the store and did i need anything I said no and this is what he brings back. Hmmmm so now he is trying to BUY me. He ask me if he should throw them away. I just looked at him and went back to cleaning the kitchen. The kids loved them so that was a nice thing for them to see. I mean really what was I suppose to do with that. He buys me roses. Still have not spoken of yesterday since we got home last night. Nothing more. But roses. HOW ABOUT ACTUALLY TALKING. I still want out. Even more so now since he is trying to use material things. That's not me and he should know that and the fact that he doesn't says enough.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

FOr god's sake frustrated - the man is tryin the best way he knows how - he is not trying to buy you. That said, try giving him a direction to go in. Rememebr I said give him a list of what it would take IF there was a ghost chance in hell of you considering R. Notice I said IF. If nothing else, you two will become more amicable during the divorce. ANd by the way, I'm sure he understands flowers are not going to solve it.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The roses are a trigger , if he cant see that he had better wake up fast, I suggest you guide him the another site such as the MB site where they will give him advice on what to do , an understanding of what you are going through and a lesson in integrity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Or the beyondaffairs.com site and tell him to listen to the teleseminars so he understand how you are feeling.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> FOr god's sake frustrated - the man is tryin the best way he knows how - he is not trying to buy you. That said, try giving him a direction to go in. Rememebr I said give him a list of what it would take IF there was a ghost chance in hell of you considering R. Notice I said IF. If nothing else, you two will become more amicable during the divorce. ANd by the way, I'm sure he understands flowers are not going to solve it.


Told him Sunday there are 3 main things he would have to do to for me to even consider reconcileing and even then I told that my action is to move forward while he figures himself out. NO CONTACT, call her and have it on speaker so I can hear the conversation. Hear him tell her. He looked at me like I like was stupid. Then I said versectomy ( he is the one getting ppl pregnant weather she has it or not its wrong) he looked at me crazy again. And the last thing is at least try MC. Again with the look. Those are the same things I have asked for in the beginning. Not a unreasonable list. So why add on to something that had yet to be implemented.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_

Eli-Zor/ 8yr 
I have been on this site for at least a yr now I think I'm not sure. He knows. I have even told him if we can afford MC or he doesnt want to talk to them( in my opinion he is afraid of being judged) then he can read with me here. Go to the different websites you guys suggested. He told me no he thinks MC would be better because they would no better how to help. Then he says later that he refuses to go and if he did he would just sit there and be rude. Besides he is not a reader he says ( He is not though. I am the reader in the family.) But he wouldn't try.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

OK - you've tried. Maybe one last eminder - his head is pretty thick and his ears were plugged the last time you told him.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

You know they say to talk to jack a$$, you first hit him over the head with a 4x4 to egt his attention, then talk. You hit him with a 4x4 and now have his attention!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

haven't posted in this thread but have been reading, just wanted to say I'm glad you are finding the strength to stand up for yourself and are implementing a plan.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

You need to read "Just Let them Go".

You are dealing with the drama associated with his affair. 

If you want to fight for him and everything else that follows then keep to your plan. Not negotiable. No Contact. 

If he can't respect your wish then why fight for your husband if he doesn't want to be with you? Lawyer up and get rid of him.

Some cheaters experience withdrawal symptons with OW/OM. 

You are fighting an uphill battle. 

This is where the AP is really evil and out of order since they influence the DS to such an extent and destroy a family's life and home once they've wriggled into a DS mind and the DS wriggled into the others pants. 

Your husband ought to lose much more than his family but also more than his half share of assets because he has caused this upset and havoc in your life. 

Pay to play. 

That's what all BS need to be moving forward with .....a demand for a new law for a BS to act when families are exposed to a "thief" who wriggles into a spouse and affects a family's life. 

The only way forward is for a simple cheap effective law which costs a small fee to set in motion a legal warning to any person who is knowingly targetting a married spouse or long term committed arrangement. 

As for websites enticing affairs, a document signed to say that the new "member" has agreed an "open" relationship with their spouse or significant other and for the spouse to sign that too before gaining entry into such sites.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> You know they say to talk to jack a$$, you first hit him over the head with a 4x4 to egt his attention, then talk. You hit him with a 4x4 and now have his attention!


That was funny.....needed it thx.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Glad it helped. ANother one is what is his problem - all the blood went south from his brain and hasn't returned!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

La Coocha RAcha!


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> haven't posted in this thread but have been reading, just wanted to say I'm glad you are finding the strength to stand up for yourself and are implementing a plan.


Thank you. It seems to be a mix of emotions really. It's hard to do yet easy. Easy because I know what I have to do logically. Hard because emotionally I hurt and weep for my kids. The actually wait for him to come on so they can climb all over him an talk. They enjoy one another. My husband said that he has better conversation with him then some adults. He is extremely smart though. I hanging in there no matter which way things fall.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> La Coocha RAcha!


Not sure it may ever return.....ppl and there hormones huh....yikes I didn't know those things were so powerful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Lazarus said:


> You need to read "Just Let them Go".
> 
> You are dealing with the drama associated with his affair.
> 
> ...


Wish we had such a law here. How do I get it started do you know? More importantly where do I find that book?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

When the blood leaves the brain, some men think with the wrong head. Me exceptedfor sure. I've had 2 Chinese women that were translators play me hard to be with both of them at once. To the last ditch effort they made of showing me their tits on a elevator stopepd between floors together. Didn't go for it. Can't say I wasn't tempted but I didn't.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

30 years on the road and alot of it international - NEVER once.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Glad it helped. ANother one is what is his problem - all the blood went south from his brain and hasn't returned!


Here are a few things he had said to ke regarding her and this mess I find myself in.

I like being around her
I will always cheat on you
I don't know what I'm doing
When asked Sunday would he be right back over there he said" that girl would more than likely tell to get the Hell away from her door. I said that's not answer he shook his head sad and sad no. I said well that means to me if she let you hm you will be back.
I told him to have at her I will get the papers ready and he can just sign and be with het freely. He said he will not sign because he wants his family and he would be by him self before he goes to her. I said you will he said for sex because I have needs and that way he doesn't have to start new with someone else.
There is so much more but I haven't slept much in days if eaten since Sunday evening when we ate together in bed. No i'm not starving myself folks...lol. It's just when I get stressed I lose my appetite and when I forces myself to eat regardless i get sick. So I'm waiting. In the mean time I have dropped a little more weight. I have not been 120lbs in my high school yrs then I was 135 a size 10 Which the doc says is perfect for my height but I always felt better at 128 size at now size 4 is baggy.....but I must admit though. I look rather hot at this size. If I add more muscle it just may be perfect. Training for a 5k run in Dec anyway so heck why not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> When the blood leaves the brain, some men think with the wrong head. Me exceptedfor sure. I've had 2 Chinese women that were translators play me hard to be with both of them at once. To the last ditch effort they made of showing me their tits on a elevator stopepd between floors together. Didn't go for it. Can't say I wasn't tempted but I didn't.


Your cracking me up over here 8yr. Dang you got it like that huh.....old my a$$....;-). I am sure you where tempted as I am sure even most men would....why did you ignore it may I ask?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> 30 years on the road and alot of it international - NEVER once.


My older sister says her nxt man is going to be Uuuugly.....when we see him she says we are going to say oooh weeee. That way no one would want him. I told I didn't think it would work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I believe in my vows - it's as simple as that. I would never do anything, not even once and done. My conscience would killl me. The girls were about 23-24. I was 49 at the time. If I can resist that, Ican resist anything....well almost - not sure if I could walk away from drop dead gorgeous woman laying naked in front of me giving me the come hither sign! Never had to so I don't know.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

SIde note - after what has happened with three men and 20 years with my wife, I often wonder if constitution will be as strong the next time. My values are the same. I don't think I would. But i've had thoughts I never had before.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

The come hither sign! Sorry had to laugh at that one. What does something like that look. I think if I tried it I would look like I had some kind of facial deformity. I hear that I am sexy all the time but it's nothing that I try to do because when I did when I was younger man did it turn out ALL wrong. Some times I think back and just get the giggles at things I thought were sexy about me. WHICH IN FACT WERE NOT! :-0.
I have only had two men in my life explain to me why they say I am sexy and it had nothing to do with physical things either. Not one. If I didn't know any better I would have thought they planned it but it was yrs apart and they don't know one another. 
I'm going to google come hither faces now. I need to see how to do it properly .


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I was thinking in termsof just a sexy lok then using the index finger and curling it as if saying come over here big boy.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> SIde note - after what has happened with three men and 20 years with my wife, I often wonder if constitution will be as strong the next time. My values are the same. I don't think I would. But i've had thoughts I never had before.


:iagree: With this relationship I am not to certain myself. Seems so far of track. But who knows. With another, if another I will give what I get. I tell everyone that they get from me what the give. I think I would have taken it better if he had done this before the kids, before marriage. Cause then I could have jumped on th first train smoking in the other direction preferability Vegas or Miami oh oh or One of the Islands just a thought


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

8yearscheating said:


> I was thinking in termsof just a sexy lok then using the index finger and curling it as if saying come over here big boy.












Let's see if I posted the picture right


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Can't figure out how post a picture, so here's the url
Come Hither Look


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> I was thinking in termsof just a sexy lok then using the index finger and curling it as if saying come over here big boy.



:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
Yep I would never pull it off in that way I don't think. But hey men think different I have done it before...I'll ask if it was sexy.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Can't figure out how post a picture, so here's the url
> Come Hither Look


:smthumbup::smthumbup: yes yes i have done that, very well I might add but not the finger in the mouth part.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

ANd I'll bet you looked damn good doing it too. I got yelled at once on here because I said Woody's in town! when a remark like yours lit my fire - I'm very easy to get going! Well he is now! You will find a great man to cherish you. WHile I hope it's your husband eventually, if not, someone will be worth what your are and show you the love you deserve. I hate cold showers...start the fire hose.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I'm sorry but he is still cheating. Absolutely you know his voice and when he got angry its because you caught him. Don't trust him, he is abusing your trust and not treating you with respect.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> I'm sorry but he is still cheating. Absolutely you know his voice and when he got angry its because you caught him. Don't trust him, he is abusing your trust and not treating you with respect.


I asked him about figuring out the financial situation so it would be fair in both sides and he said no he will not sign because he does not want a divorce. He said It looks poke you have already divorce me since you have not been wearing your ring. I asked what he wanted from me and he said it will take time to get back right to get what I wanted. It won't happen over night. I told him telling her no contact and meaning it did not take time and should have been done since Sunday when things came to a head and if I keep on this road he would lose respect for me. He said yes he would and I said since I can not allow him to lose anymore respect for me than he already has by allowing him to to dictate the rules so filing would be in my best interest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> ANd I'll bet you looked damn good doing it too. I got yelled at once on here because I said Woody's in town! when a remark like yours lit my fire - I'm very easy to get going! Well he is now! You will find a great man to cherish you. WHile I hope it's your husband eventually, if not, someone will be worth what your are and show you the love you deserve. I hate cold showers...start the fire hose.


Some may be bothered by it but I am using it as added confidences builders myself. He told me once earlier on when I found out 3yrs ago that she was fun. Like all of a sudden the man I joked and laugh with for yrs thought I was a downer. I told him that I was and ppl enjoyed being around me as well. He said well your an attractive woman a man is going to be a man. This girl looks like a drunken snoopie dog and he says she is fun and likes being around her. But because I look attractive and basically to me he made it seem as if that was it and men just want to have sex with me. This much I know about men that is why I shut them down from the door but how could he forget we always had fun together. I am a serious person by nature but after the two kids I got a little more serious I mean heck I am a protective mother( something he loves about me) but now..... I dont know. Any way I take it as a compliment that someone can enjoy my company over a forum and I don't feel like there trying to screw me like he wants me to believe. We had a round last night and it was just to much I rolled over on my couch put my head phones on an sang myself to sleep for a while. He.sat for a while. My head was under the covers but I felt him and knew when he left. Don't feel much like re-hashing things so maybe later. I am tired but duty calls. So I just wanna think about fun things today..no over the top drama or serious thoughts. So any one out there got any funny stories or jokes to tell. I'm all ears.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

A story about a little boy - seems appropriate inn this learning curve.

Little boy went to ***** house to get his first. The madam was polite and asked if he had any practice, that this was serious business. He said no so she pointed to a tree over on the hill and nearby and told him to go practice on the hole in the side. A few weeks went by and he returned. She asked again - did you practice like I told you and he said "yes Mam", so she took him to a room with one of her girls and closed the door. A few moments later she hears horrible screaming from the girl and runs into the room to find him jamming the hell out of her with a broom handle. 
"What in the hell are you doing?" she screams.


"Just checking for bees Mam......"


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> A story about a little boy - seems appropriate inn this learning curve.
> 
> Little boy went to ***** house to get his first. The madam was polite and asked if he had any practice, that this was serious business. He said no so she pointed to a tree over on the hill and nearby and told him to go practice on the hole in the side. A few weeks went by and he returned. She asked again - did you practice like I told you and he said "yes Mam", so she took him to a room with one of her girls and closed the door. A few moments later she hears horrible screaming from the girl and runs into the room to find him jamming the hell out of her with a broom handle.
> "What in the hell are you doing?" she screams.
> ...


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

ANd ROnald has had a wonderful life with lot's of happy meals! The look on his face is priceless!

http://killmydaynow.com/wp-content/...72C/FunnyPicturesofRonaldMcDonaldsLife_14.jpg

http://killmydaynow.com/wp-content/...72C/FunnyPicturesofRonaldMcDonaldsLife_15.jpg

http://killmydaynow.com/wp-content/...72C/FunnyPicturesofRonaldMcDonaldsLife_16.jpg

http://killmydaynow.com/wp-content/...72C/FunnyPicturesofRonaldMcDonaldsLife_20.jpg


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. 

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. 

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. 

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. 

The doctor asked, "How did it go?" 

The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, My wife **** on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

The Rules

In the World of Romance, One Single Rule Applies: Make the Woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:

Simple Duties:
You make the bed...............................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows......0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets....................-1
You leave the toilet seatup....................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty..............0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom............-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings......+5
In the snow....................................................+8
But return with beer...........................................-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night.......................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing..............0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something...........+5
You pummel it with a six iron.................................+10
It's her pet..................................................-10

Social Events:
You stay by her side the entire party..................0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with:
A college drinking buddy.......-2
Named Tiffany..................-4
Tiffany is a dancer............-6
Tiffany has implants...........-8

Her Birthday:
You don't take her out at all.........-10
You don't buy her a gift..............-10
You take her out to dinner..............0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar...............-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.........-3

A Night Out With the Boys:
Go with a pal.........................-5
The pal is happily married............-4
The pal is frighteningly single.......-7
And he drives a Mustang...............-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)......-15

A Night Out:
You take her to a movie..............+2
You take her to a movie she likes....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called DeathCop 3...............-3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans.........-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans....-15

Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts................-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".........-800

The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?"
You hesitate in responding.........-10
You reply, "Where?"................-35
Any other response.................-20

Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You pretend to listen, and she finds out later that you were never
listening....-100
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression.........0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.......................................+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.......+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep..................-20


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

One last one - American Pride by Carlos Mencia

Carlos Mencia American Pride Video by Robert - Myspace Video


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> ANd ROnald has had a wonderful life with lot's of happy meals! The look on his face is priceless!
> 
> http://killmydaynow.com/wp-content/...72C/FunnyPicturesofRonaldMcDonaldsLife_14.jpg
> 
> ...


All my life I would have never thought to do that to Ronald but I guess my thoughts are to limited. Things that make you go hmmmm. I guess that makes all men happy why should Ronald McDonlad be left out huh...


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Hoe you smiled and laughed at my stupid stuff!


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> The Rules
> 
> In the World of Romance, One Single Rule Applies: Make the Woman happy.
> Do something she likes, and you get points.
> ...


Now I gotta admit I am one of those women who does not like an empty roll of tissue. I just drives m bonkers. especially when extra rolls are under ther sink.
Also when I feel I am honestly being listen to opposed to just waiting me out I reward well. But I can see where women would deduct points. Man this list is funny. Gotta sho it to my mother, she'll get a kick out of it.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

:rofl::rofl:


8yearscheating said:


> A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
> 
> In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
> 
> ...



:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: There is just to much wrong with this one to name. FUNNY AS HECK. You have so kept my mind from wondering to day. Work has been super so and I have been trying not to think. SO between reading a book and coming here to read and post you have been a huge help.
As always 8yr..you rock.

You know what All that I am going through and you have been helping me through. I have always just wanted to ask how your day is going. Don't know why I feel it's off limits but hell with it 8yr How are you doing? How was your day?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I was good. Missing my wife a lot, SHe was gone three days last to see her mother and gone since Monday and back late tommorrow on a mini vacation with my daughter and her girlfriend. I had to work. Had a bad trigger the other day to the point where I back at the edge. Wanted to turn the OM into a woman with a 45 hollow point and let him bleed out. It's the first serious trigger I've had in a long time. I think I'm doing damn well for 20 years , 3 men and MY daughter that isn't biologically mine. It's been 7 months and we are like a couple of teenagers again. Now if could just light her fire more.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Waiting for arms to hold me.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> I was good. Missing my wife a lot, SHe was gone three days last to see her mother and gone since Monday and back late tommorrow on a mini vacation with my daughter and her girlfriend. I had to work. Had a bad trigger the other day to the point where I back at the edge. Wanted to turn the OM into a woman with a 45 hollow point and let him bleed out. It's the first serious trigger I've had in a long time. I think I'm doing damn well for 20 years , 3 men and MY daughter that isn't biologically mine. It's been 7 months and we are like a couple of teenagers again. Now if could just light her fire more.


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/siz

Wow a 45 HOLLOW POINT HUH.....that's a Hell of a trigger. I carry my gun everyday because I have too I am at the business alone for most of the day. 3yrs ago I did try to use it on him when I first found out but since then I have come to the conclusion that my kids will hurt more. That's why I didn't even think to take it with me on Sunday. My mother always told us you don't pull it if you are not going to use it. If I took it I would have and me in jail over a cheating dog and his pet is not an option. I don't know that I could take in a outside child. You know what I do know the answer to that; I won't so you are a much better a person than I am in that area. 7mnths huh. I wonder what 7mnths look like for me. I love that your happy (triggers withstanding) and like teenagers nonetheless. I am smiling as I try to picture that because I remember teenage love it was so pure an innocent. I am happy you have that. Wait no longer for the arms to hold you 8yr seems as you have it.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Sorry if my last was a little graphic


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Sorry if my last was a little graphic


No not at all. I have not been sleeping at all much. The other night I took ny quail just to sleep through the night and still woke up twice so after a long slow work day. I got my boys feed and wash. Watched some tv with them and laughed at silly things they like to do and took my shower and headed to bed early. Even he did. I don't want to talk. Or argue. He kept trying to get me to eat like I am going to shut down and die if I don't. I just wanted to sleep and not dream and although I am still tried now I don't feel as bad because I didn't dream or think while I was suppose to be sleeping. It wasn't until I opened my eyes the thoughts came but at least I slept some. Really slept. So last night I didn't post anything. Didn't mean to leave you with the wrong impression.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

That's the problem with ambien or any sleep med, you sleepso soundly that you don't dream and in the morning you are right back whereyou went to bed emotionally. The benefit is you are physically rested which helps you contend with it. I know your outlook on the future with H is bleak. I remember thsoe terribly painful times, very little to hold on to of hope for. Give it and yourself time. Focus on taking care of yourself and getting excercise and keeping busy. The distractions will greatly help you.

PLEASE< PLEASEtake care of yourself.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> That's the problem with ambien or any sleep med, you sleepso soundly that you don't dream and in the morning you are right back whereyou went to bed emotionally. The benefit is you are physically rested which helps you contend with it. I know your outlook on the future with H is bleak. I remember thsoe terribly painful times, very little to hold on to of hope for. Give it and yourself time. Focus on taking care of yourself and getting excercise and keeping busy. The distractions will greatly help you.
> 
> PLEASE< PLEASEtake care of yourself.


The benefits alone from any sleep aid at this point is welcomed it's just I don't like taking med and I really worry about the side effects and the potential to become dependent on them so I try to stay away. I took Ny Quail because it was there and I didn't want to use the xanax I have had in there for the past 3yrs.
But last night I didn't take anything. I just downloaded some gospel CD's I just got on to my phone and plugged my ear phones in and let that put me to sleep. It worked. I figured if I go to bed on a word from God then it would put me in a better place and for me it did. I awoke last night 2x but that was because I heard him at one point come in where I was sleep to adjust the air (and I think ck to see if I was sleeping because he turned on the light and ask had I gotten any sleep). He rubbed me on the head (what am I a pet) and brush his hand against my face and turn the light out and left . Then I heard my youngest get up and go to him so I sat up to see what the problem was. Other than that I was sleeping quite well with out meds.
As for my outlook on my future, I'm in motion, I'm doing things but I really can't honestly say I see past the day to day. Not sure if thats good or bad. As long as I'm not looking to far back or so stuck in the present form of things and what is going on, I think I'm ok.

I am going to start back my regular work out sessions. This here and there work outs are going nowhere. It's just been super hot. I'll hit the tennis cout in the moring and then the weights at the gym after. That always makes me feel good. I am trying to take care of myself. It's just hard to eat because I feel so full all the time. I have not ate a meal since Sunday about 4. Nothing Monday but one bottle of water, M&M's Tuesday, 2 small cupcakes yesterday and a Aloe Vera juice so far today. But I feel like I have had a four course meal each day. So I am doing my best with the eating. 
Went to my Doctor (he has been seeing me since I was 15). He is so funny. He ask about the stress I told him and he said get ride of him, on to the nxt one. Something must be really wrong with this guy. You have done all you can. Then shook his head and said MEN!!. Gotta love the DOC. He also said: AND DON'T LOSE ANYMORE WEIGHT.:lol:
Just know that mentally I am good. Physically I am great. Emotionally I'm trying to get a grip.
But I am taking care of myself. My kids are happy an that makes me feel better.
Thanks




Thx


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Ok answer this for me. I'm not sure if it's different in different states, my guess is it is but I was speaking to someone at the court house today. You know doing my research, putting things into motion when I was ask am I sure I want to leave now. That since I have been married for 8yrs (my 9th yr anniversary is in 7mnths) I might want to hold out for the nxt two and do legal separation for 2 yrs so that I am vested. That being for the far most part of the marriage up until recently I have been a stay at home wife and mother and with that work history it would benefit me Later on in life even if he remarries because I would get first shot at his pension and so fourth. I don't think I would have a problem with getting him to agree on legal separation becaus every time I bring up the divorce papers he gets pissed, loud, snappy, walks off that kinda thing. When I ask when are we going to talk about these papers. He said which one. I said what do you mean he said separation or divorce I said divorce he said he won't sign and that he noticed I'm not wearing my rings so it seems like I have already divorced him.
Do you think that would be wrong of me to do that. I mean he will HAVE to leave the house still. And hopefully we can figure out the financial part of things. I don't need any child support or custody order I don't think because I honestly feel that it won't be needed. Ad as long as I don't see anyone (which I don't want to anyway) or he does not THINK OR KNOW that I am if I change my mind. He will help with bills as well. I think he would rather that to not only keep me but incase he actually gets in a relationship with OW he can use that as a way NOT to get to serious if she talks about marriage. And just tell her I won't give him a divorce. And I will be fine with that as long as in that 2yrs time I get what I want and am vested then I divorce him. 
Do you guys think thats cruel? Am I wrong? This is something I never thought of untill today. It is something I would have never thought of doing. I like to be done. But the lady made a point. And when I ask my sister(she has gone through this) she said with your work history. It makes sense. She said he wanted a stay at home wife and mother so let him make sure you are taken care of even after.
What do you think?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Go for the gold! It may work out anyway. If it doesn't, you've gained not lost. He cheated, why do have a conscience about this?


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

why do have a conscience about this? 

I don't know why. I try to do things that I can be proud of in the end. Behave in ways that my kids would be proud of. I am not perfect I asure you but I like to be fair. I don't like underhanded ppl and I try my best to be honest, loyal and straight fourth. It just felt like by doing that I wasn't being either of those things. But I have to look after myself and my future I know. As I said I just try to react in ways that I would be proud of later. Now it doesn't not always happen (take last night, a real sh*&^ storm). I lost control when I asked him to leave and he refused said since I was not happy I should. This is where he wants to be, he is not leaving or getting a divorce. Some of the things he said really hurt to the core. He told me if I search and find things out then I deserve it. I could not believe my ears. I kept repeating over and over again; I DESERVED IT! As soon as he said it he realizd what he had said, he apologize over and over saying no you don't, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it but I was to far gone in my hurt at that point and start to ball out of control and shake. He tried to touch me and I flew off the wall at that point throwing and yelling. What a mess I had to clean. All in all at the end of it he tells me he doesn't know what he is doing and doesn't want to be doing it that he needs help and for me to help him.
Everything in me was gone and I told him there is nothing I can do. So he has to do it on his on. And that living in the house with his wife and kids while he goes through this is not helping because he is not loosing much so he has to go and maybe that will help him, tols him i'm tired now and after hearing I deserved it even though I know it was said in anger made me look at him differently now. Less than. That part really blew him away. He cried a while ans kept saying he was sorry. He stayed last night but tonight he has to go. He has no where to go. His family does not know whats going on (the call us the huxtables, his sisters even mine have looked for men like him). And money is already limited and he hates hotels no matter how nice he likes his bed but thats where he will go tonight (ask me to come visit). I told him he could no longer look me in the face and be in th same house with me any longer and see her. That the kids did not need to see (or better yet hear) a repeat of that and he agreed.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I'm sorry it was so rough for you. Has he agreed to NC? I think your doing the right thing. And what I meant by conscience is this is about the long term financial security of you and your kids, not him. Conscience doesn't play into it. You are not hurting him, and you are not doing anything that isn't right and just. You have to protect the future. I sure as hell wouldn't trust him to do it.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> I'm sorry it was so rough for you. Has he agreed to NC? I think your doing the right thing. And what I meant by conscience is this is about the long term financial security of you and your kids, not him. Conscience doesn't play into it. You are not hurting him, and you are not doing anything that isn't right and just. You have to protect the future. I sure as hell wouldn't trust him to do it.


Thank you for that. Seems like two steps forward and five steps back some times but it is what it is I guess. He said he is trying with the NC. Can you believe that. That he has not contacted her since Sunday and she has not contacted him either. I don't believe him because h didn't tell me when she did the last time. I told him that what I thought was happing then and he told me and I quote " you always think your right and you know everything but you are not write I have not been talking to her. What I told him was that I believe he was talking to her on the work phone. She calls the job and he goes in the office and talk to her. He said you think you know everything but when I spoke to him about it the other day and ask he said that was exactly what was happing. And he was mad because he was wondering how I was finding out. I told him that I am not stupid like he makes me out to be (he says he knows I'm not that I am smarter than he is(yet he still bs's me)). I sit back and think about things. And the way he was behaving told me that he was back in contact with her (always pulls away: guilty I guess) and since he was not going to take the chances of me finding another phone or finding the number on his bill it had to be from work.
He gets angry and says mean things when I call him out.

He said they have not spoke since Sunday then I ask was he expecting to hear from her and he said yes thats what she does. She will wait for him to call and when he does not she gets pissed and calls him and thats how it starts back. At this point I think she is waiting for him to call and apologize to her about me coming by. He says what he always says he just wants it to go away waiting for her to stoping calling and let go. I don't by it but you know whats going to happen here because I know myselfit with certain things. I have always been this way. In all that he is taking me through I am going to start to hate him and when I get to that point. Other than the respect as the father of my kids I will feel nothing more than hate for him and that will make it hard on the kids. Because anyone I feel such a strong way about (and to hate someone is harsh) I don't F*&k with. I hope that comes soon. Then I can take that fuel and push on. It will change everything about me but it just maybe time

I have in the last 11 yrs tried to practice my version of P.U.S.H:
TO BE

P-Postive
U-Understanding 
S-Sensitive to other feeling
H-Humble

Not working out so well so I guess i'll do the other on.
Push Untill Something Happens


No I won't trust him to do it for me. One of the things he said when we were arguing was: YOUR NOT GETTING EVERYTHING!!
So I already know what I have to do. Good thing he knows nothing about the 10yr vested. If he knew and I keep talking divorce and he doesn't want it he may push it threw out of spit so I'll sit back and chill.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

On lighter things though as tired as I am I ate some. A small salad that i am happy I tired it was just a toss salad but the place makes there own curtons and they were awesome. And a few bits of a chicken wing. But all in all it was more than I had yesterday and the day before that and that. My doctor said my iron was low last tim I visited and it has gotten much lower and that if I continue not on this path I would have to have iron by IV and I hate hospital and I have to take care of my two boys so force feed myself I will do. But I feel good and have been writing. I would like to post a piece of something I have been writing. It maybe a little depressing (like my mother use to say) but I kinda want to post it, let someone besides me read my work. have not done that in many many moons but I wanna try. So feed back please. Get me ready for open mic lol.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

A untilted Poem I was working on: 


It’s just another day, another moment that will be etched in my mind for as long as my eyes can see your eyes and the pain that they bring to me. Just another time in life, were you may find yourself doubting who you are and what you do. 
The purpose behind who you are and the message you are sending, oh how life can trick you and send you into a tail spin. 
To know yourself with such conviction, yet; be made to second guess all that you thought you knew.
Answers to questions start to form, leaving me with Questions with no answers.
It’s like I’m empty but full. It makes no sense.
Empty, devoid of feelings, of emotion yet at the same time I’m over run with so many of them.
I am lost in a nightmare fighting tooth and nail to find my way out. I am carried away with a dream or fantasy of what I thought life, marriage was about. I lean on myself however I’m not certain that is enough. However no matter how hard I feel I have it someone else really has it rough.
Just another day, another moment of my life in disarray; another date I can’t forget another heart ache I want replaced, another blow to what seems like the unraveling seams of my heart and soul. I’m 34 yrs of age yet emotionally 85yrs old.
Light years away from a world that brought me immense joy. Trying to find my way back, But I think I’m the only one.
Tired and restless unable to have a sound sleep; I ask for one night just one night that I don’t internally weep.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

That was fantastic girl...APPLAUSE APPLAUSE!!! It's really hard for me to see you in such pain because you are such a wonderful lady and deserve so much better. HUGGS. Please take better care of your yourself, I am so worried about your health. I pray your dumbass H wakes up. Try and sleep a sound comforted sleep tonight surrounded with your kids love!


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> That was fantastic girl...APPLAUSE APPLAUSE!!! It's really hard for me to see you in such pain because you are such a wonderful lady and deserve so much better. HUGGS. Please take better care of your yourself, I am so worried about your health. I pray your dumbass H wakes up. Try and sleep a sound comforted sleep tonight surrounded with your kids love!


 So it's wasn't too depressing for you:lol:.

My writing's are more emotional that anything thats why I keep it private but I wanted to share it and that does not happen often. But I'm happy I did. I will take your HUGGS and give you HUGGS back. Although you have been through alot you still help others, you deserve hugs!
I am taking the day off (for the most part; I'll stop in through out the day) from work. I have someone in today to run my business and the kids and I will do something together. Found a new brickoven pizza place downtown that I ate to once and it was great. Their kids they LOVE pizza so I will take them to try it out and spend some time with them. Their father is at work and ask me if I was going to his sisters bday dinner tonight. I told him I got the invite but wasn't sure. He said he knew I didn't want to go and smile and be fake but would I go with him. I have not given him an answer just yet.
I am going to enjoy my day with my two little boys, surround myself with good food and look good doing it. Remind myself that their is peace on the other side of this. And above all get my weight back up to 128lb. I'm loosing my Black Betty Boop statues they say:rofl:. 
Dunno if he is waking up 8yr but I ceratinly am trying too. I won't lie my sleep was not sound and I woke with a headache (but thats nothing new these days). I kept waking up but it was more sleep than before with no sleep aid so I think I am on the right track. 

How will you spend your Saturday. By now your family should be back, you guys have anything planned? In anycase enjoy your, day and your family.
Check back in a bit later. Have a great day all!!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Working on finishing the electrical on my hot tub. Can't wait to see it run. It's been a long tedious job with lots of repairs because the previous owner let the piping freeze. It's a really nice tub and big and when I get done with it, it will look like new. Been great having the wife back. We went to a really nice restaurant and tehn to our favorite hot tub place last night and had a great time. I hoenstly believe she is strongly back in love with me. I had some niggling fears she had been talking with the the OM and put a VAR in her car before left on her trip. Nothing on the first trip. WHen she got back from this one, it was gone - she must have found it. Sure she's not happy about it but she hasn't said anything. I guess I'll have to own up in the next day or so.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Working on finishing the electrical on my hot tub. Can't wait to see it run. It's been a long tedious job with lots of repairs because the previous owner let the piping freeze. It's a really nice tub and big and when I get done with it, it will look like new. Been great having the wife back. We went to a really nice restaurant and tehn to our favorite hot tub place last night and had a great time. I hoenstly believe she is strongly back in love with me. I had some niggling fears she had been talking with the the OM and put a VAR in her car before left on her trip. Nothing on the first trip. WHen she got back from this one, it was gone - she must have found it. Sure she's not happy about it but she hasn't said anything. I guess I'll have to own up in the next day or so.


Well with all the work you are putting in I hope it runs beautifully and you two enjoy every min of it together. Well if its not there then yes chances are that she found it but is it me being naive to think that she should understand that you may have times that you may need reassurance and her word may sometimes not be enough. 7 months and just these recent triggers I think that's great compared to everyday triggers. I'm laughing at this moment because I'm wondering what will you say, something like hey honey, can I have my VAR that I had in your car back now...you know if you don't mind. Kowing me mine would go something like this: ahhh you can give me my VAR back now cause I know you found it because.its not where I had it please and thank you.....or something similar. BTW my day was peaceful. No rest but the.boys had a nice day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Went to my sister inlaws bday dinner @ my husband place of employment. OW quite a few weeks ago right. Well at the end of the dinner I look up and there she was. She hangs out there at night to get drunk. I don't know if she knew he was there I really don't think so because we weren't going to go but just the fact that i ad to see her was too damn much for me.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Don't let her get under your skin. Look at me saying that when I still have fantasies of wasting my wife's AP! She has kids and goes and get's trashed at work. Not a jewel of a woman at all eh! Your better than her.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Don't let her get under your skin. Look at me saying that when I still have fantasies of wasting my wife's AP! She has kids and goes and get's trashed at work. Not a jewel of a woman at all eh! Your better than her.



She use to do that all the time when she worked there....most of them do. Both men and women. I didn't expect her to stop going there just because she no longer works there. I mean hell those are her buddys. I actually thought that she might be there being Saturday night and all. But to actually see it.....I had to keep my control.

All he said after we left was did I enjoy myself. I said for the most part yes. 
Question. Am I wrong to feel like he should have said something about her being there. I mean I don't expect him to apologize every time I run into her but for some reason I feel he should have said something. And if he really wanted NC with her heck we were both right there he could have pulled her aside with me there and told her. Oh well, so much for him calling me Friday morning to tell me he miss sleeping nxt to me, feeling my warmth and kissing my lips. Other than not speaking of it he is showing me nothing. So the stand off continues.
Yes I know, I am better than her however I still wonder.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

So you liked my way of making the OM a quivering back of **** fear! I only wish I were that vocal about my needs with my wife. Here is what I told others about the VAR.

Well the wife found the Var on her last trip. We had a hot discussion at the mC yesterday. In her anger, she spilled a number of my faults as she see's them through her anger. The biggest thing she was pissed about was that I didn't apologize and own up when I knew she found it. I told her I didn't bring it up because I was waiting to see if she would be honest with me and ask me which she didn't, she just festered. Last night i told her her reactions to it were exactly like what she did whenever she got angry with me before. Hide it and then start painting everything about me black. Eventually that led to her running to the OM. I told her I had been having a real hard time lately with some very heavy triggers. I apologized for the VAR but told her it is just another example of me not being able to discuss the A with her and not feeling her support when I have problems. I explained that everytime I try to talk, her automatic response is it hurts her and she doesn't want to talk about it. So I go off and try to solve it on my own and sometimes that only causes me to spiral deeper into my fears and pain. I also explained that the reason I started snooping again was because my triggers led me back to the memories of her saying she could never completely cut off contact with the OM and I was afraid she had taken it deep underground. I couldn't discuss my fears with her for two reasons - I didn't want to hurt her and all I ever got was the same answers - I'm done with him which didn't make sense to me when her relationship with him lasted 18 years - longer if you consider the friendship before that. I told her I would have to stop holding it back and just be direct about about my fears and we would have to talk through them no matter how painful it was. I also told her I was tired of making suggestions to her about going on a BAN weekend or suggesting she listen to the teleseminars or join me on one and just getting blown off. She needed to work through it with me and if she could find some other way of working through the recovery, I was open to it but I had researched the hell out of options for the A recovery itslef and that was only the one I found. Just going to a Catholic retreat for marital problems (her suggestion) was not dealing with the core issues - another way of avoiding the A recovery. Left her a lot to think about. She says she is happy and was just being a b!tch at MC. I told her, they were her feelings and can;t be ignored even if they were said in anger. I left her with, maybe we aren't compatible if I can't make you happy and you can't see my own needs as well as yours. We'll see how she reacts today. S all in all, it was good because it brought to surface some festering issues.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

As different as our situations are 8yr the underlying pain, effects and heartache are the same. We are all sharing the same fears and it dawns on me everytime I read a new post. You said:not feeling her support when I have problems. I explained that everytime I try to talk, her automatic response is it hurts her and she doesn't want to talk about it. So I go off and try to solve it on my own and sometimes that only causes me to spiral deeper into my fears and pain.
Those are a few of my exact feelings. 18yrs is a long time to have an affair 8yr ( makes my 5yr expericene seem like sh*&t) and for her not to understand or take in consideration that with out a doubt you will need to talk about it. Things will surface that will trigger you. Things she may do or say will present themselves to you as past actions and if you can not talk to her about it and feel that connection that you need to get past that trigger then maybe she needs to put her self in your shoes. 7mnth R comapred to 18yr affair. Their is much work to do. I must say that you are seemingly handeling things well. I sure she may not want to re-live things but you are everyday and everytime yo see your daughter. And that statment about not being able to compeletly let him go is like my Husband saying he will always cheat. What is wrong with these ppl. if the shoe were on the other foot my husband would have been out the door not looking back and she would have never let you live it down. 

Hold your head high 8yr, you have endure more than most and your still handing out as much support and postive feedback to others as possiable. I commend you and apperciate you. Were all flawed, thats a given. But being made to feel like we are doing something wrong by still hurting or that we should have just let it go because they don't want to face their demons is not fair to us. If you have made it 7mnths then keep doing what you are doing. 

I too have told him about the BAN and this site and just simply said the same things as you did, lets find away if not through these sites but just like you I am being blown off by him not even saying anything regaurding any of this. Yet last night he was on the couch and got up to go to bed and lean over to kiss me and I move so he could just kiss my cheek and he starts to kiss my neck. I told him no. I mean if I would have allowed him to he would have had sex with me and yesterday made a week and a day he has done nothing. No MC, No Vasectomy appt, any above all no NC letter or call or anything that I can verify. Just him waiting it out. HOG WASH! I told him If he wanted his wife he would have to earn me and and he knew what had to be done.
To think that he really thought that I would lay with him after a week of finding him to this womans house. And just 4days after him telling me that if I look for things and find it that I deserve it. What type of freaking fog is it they are in. I want no part of that mess.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Fortunately mine is pretty much out of the fog. The comment about never letting him go was before she recommitted to me. I just find it hard to believe that she is all done as she says. One of my fears. ANd not being able to talk when I go off the cliff because I don't wnat to hurt her by bringing up the A is now stopped. I won't keep silent any longer. I won't rant or beat her up but I have to be able to talk and I need her support more than she understands is needed. We WILL get through it. I've always been way to giving in the sense I give up my needs and feelings to keep peace. I now realize that has allowed her to take and go on while I sit there wondering why the hell I just did that. FOr our marriage to be healthy it has to be a two way street and she needs to appreciate what I do and what I am. I made it clear last night that when she went into the I hate you mode and what you are way too easily and I we aren't compatible if that can't change. 

Your husband is still deep in the the self centered ME ME ME portion of the fog and I'm sorry he hasn't woken up more. It does take a lot of time because he has to admit to himself he is a complete **** - not an easy thing. Reminds me of the sceen in Finding NEmo where the sea gulls are hovering screaming MINE. MINE MINE, Mine! Our spouses are still in that mode. Yours much more than mine. Here is a wave of that scene

http://www.moviesoundclips.net/movies1/findingnemo/mine.wav


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

I like Finding Nemo. They boys and I watched it last week. I find myself more into it then them sometimes. 
Knee Deep is so true. He called me about this moring and said he was leaving work and coming back home because he was in pain. It started after he left for work but went in anyway to get everyone settled and then left. Of course he gets home, yes he is hurting but still trying to get me to sleep with him. Then just wanted to lay with me on the couch for a while. OK fine. After a while back to the trying. So I told him if I was to go back on my word and sleep with him before I see any results when I left the house today I was not coming back for a while. That I was going to get a hotel room or go to my sisters. He ask why and I said because you pushing me to sleep with you without regard to my feelings and me doing so would mean to me that you get what you want and that my feelings, wants, needs or happiness means nothing and I could no longer look you in the face or myself. And since you still won't leave then I will. 
He stopped. Layed back and didn't say anything. Then turned over. I ask did that make sense to him, he said nothing. I asked again am I making any sense, do you understand where I am coming from and again nothing. I called his name and he just said go ahead (because I had somethings to do that I put off to just be there with and for him). So I got up and start walking away and said to him: exactly what I thought. It's all about what you want. Then I left.
At least at the end of the day when you look at your wife you feel love and feel some in return. I am starting to feel a bit of hate. 
You will work it out because at least she is willing. Great for you.
Those fears are something else huh. Sometimes you don't know if it is real or your own mind.


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## ismile_kraye (Aug 1, 2011)

I did not read through all the comments for 4give me if I repeat. 
I don't believe you are wrong for anything you have done everyone in life has a chose & we live & die by the choses we make. Your husband from what you wrote previously seems as if he is a great father & provider but he is not a great husband. What your husband is doing w/this woman is not a mistake but a decision if you think something is not right its not. Stop holding on to false hope & the memories of how he used 2 be & how he used 2 treat u. Cheating is not love. Have enough strength to walk away, not file for D but walk away and see if that changes anything. Love will communicate it will not lie it will not pass blame. I don't know if your spiritual but the bible says you are free because of his infidelity. I will tell you learn your worth & learn it fast if you have a son why do you want him 2 think its ok and a daughter vv. Children can sense things. Your husband will continue 2 cheat because he has nothing 2 lose, you will still be there holding on 2 false hope & having sex with a man who is not faithful. Why should he stop. I have walked away & I'm getting through emotionally. I'm telling you staying & taking the same ole same ole will NOT save your marriage, I've been there. Honey walk away & hold your head up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

ismile_kraye said:


> I did not read through all the comments for 4give me if I repeat.
> I don't believe you are wrong for anything you have done everyone in life has a chose & we live & die by the choses we make. Your husband from what you wrote previously seems as if he is a great father & provider but he is not a great husband. What your husband is doing w/this woman is not a mistake but a decision if you think something is not right its not. Stop holding on to false hope & the memories of how he used 2 be & how he used 2 treat u. Cheating is not love. Have enough strength to walk away, not file for D but walk away and see if that changes anything. Love will communicate it will not lie it will not pass blame. I don't know if your spiritual but the bible says you are free because of his infidelity. I will tell you learn your worth & learn it fast if you have a son why do you want him 2 think its ok and a daughter vv. Children can sense things. Your husband will continue 2 cheat because he has nothing 2 lose, you will still be there holding on 2 false hope & having sex with a man who is not faithful. Why should he stop. I have walked away & I'm getting through emotionally. I'm telling you staying & taking the same ole same ole will NOT save your marriage, I've been there. Honey walk away & hold your head up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I have sons and they where the reason I stayed for so very long and now are a part of my reason for telling him it's time to leave. I told him that same thing. Why would he stop is he has nothing to loose. May be lossing us would shake him up and if not then we don't need him. The emotional part was not the biggest worry at all. At first it was financial and still is and then th love of the boys for there father. He is their world. But I have told him that part doesn't not hav to change because we won't be together. That he can have his sona at anytime. He says he will leave the home and still won't and I can't do anything about it the police says. If it were violent then one or both would have to leave. Except for my tantrum the other night because he refused to leave there has not been and besides my kids don't need to see that.
I am working on me and my future and the longer it takes him to do whats write the more unattractive he is to me. An the more out of love I fall.
I am gaining that strenghth I need and when I do walk away just like you said my head will be held high. 
Thank you so much.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I'm sorry he still doesn't get it frustrated. Maybe as ismile says, shoot a hole in his hull and then leave with the bucket.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

At least for a mini vacation. He doesn't have to know why.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> At least for a mini vacation. He doesn't have to know why.


I'm thinking of doing that 8yr. I need to clear my head because I honestly walk arounf feeling like I'm in a fog. I mean my eyes hurt and I feel like its all hazed or something. Kind of hard to explain. I just want to go somewhere and drink untill I fall asleep. The entire time just rest.

But even with all that today. I feel good. Because I honestly understand now that it really has nothing to do with me. I kept asking. I went over our marriage. He kept saying you did nothing. You were actually the perfect wife. He still says that. He side: I remember a time when I came home on a friday you had the house clean, cooked and fed the boys, had them washed and my shower running when I got home and after I got out and came into the room you were waiting for me. And all I did was smile the entire weekend, you did everything right. I was just being greedy and I still don't know what I am doing.
8yr it's not for me to figure out. I know that I did my part and not because he says so because that was my entire focus. To do what I had to do so that another woman could not come into my marriage, my relationship. Does it still hurt, yes but not as much as it did.
Be sorry for him because with all his foot dragging he is loosing the best woman he has ever had.


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## ismile_kraye (Aug 1, 2011)

Again I don't know if your "spiritual" but I will tell you I had a hard time walking away & I didn't know I was pregnant @ the time. My husband was the primary bread winner & he knew I couldn't afford our mortg+bills on my own I had been begging my job to raise my pay & hours. The week after I walked away I was promoted & given a raise through it all I stayed prayerful yes I have fell & given in & cursed my soon 2 be ex out lol! But just know that God never intended your marriage 2 be this way. & I'm not saying walk away & never look back but if you truly want your marriage step out on faith & take a "break" from your husband. Don't tell him just do it, don't ask him 2 leave you leave. You asking him still proves nothing if he stays right there. I wish back then I had the courage 2 do what I am telling you & that was walk away my marriage could have possible been saved, now I'm not so sure. Just know there is nothing like peace, yes I may cry but when my head hits that pillow I'm at peace. No one to cheat on me, to call me names, to harass me, to put me down. & I will tell you all my bills have been paid on time w/o the help of him!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

ismile_kraye said:


> Again I don't know if your "spiritual" but I will tell you I had a hard time walking away & I didn't know I was pregnant @ the time. My husband was the primary bread winner & he knew I couldn't afford our mortg+bills on my own I had been begging my job to raise my pay & hours. The week after I walked away I was promoted & given a raise through it all I stayed prayerful yes I have fell & given in & cursed my soon 2 be ex out lol! But just know that God never intended your marriage 2 be this way. & I'm not saying walk away & never look back but if you truly want your marriage step out on faith & take a "break" from your husband. Don't tell him just do it, don't ask him 2 leave you leave. You asking him still proves nothing if he stays right there. I wish back then I had the courage 2 do what I am telling you & that was walk away my marriage could have possible been saved, now I'm not so sure. Just know there is nothing like peace, yes I may cry but when my head hits that pillow I'm at peace. No one to cheat on me, to call me names, to harass me, to put me down. & I will tell you all my bills have been paid on time w/o the help of him!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Amen to that. I have to say for the granddaughter of a pastor that grew up in the chruch I am not as spritual as I should be ans as I believe I am suppose to be. I have always known that I am meant to do Gods will yet I have not done what I should. I don't pray like I should but an working on it. However i do believe that, that is the one thing that is missing. That once I get to where I need to be must be with my faith everything will fall into place. Thats why when I pray now it's not for things to work our but his gods will be done.

I am so happy for you you seem at peace and for some reason I am findi ng a weird sense of comfort because of it. I am so happy you posted. Between my rock 8yr and you I think I will be ok emotionally at least.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Glad I'm your rock! Just be careful because I'm really a sandcastle on the waters edge! I've told other people, going through this is like the stages of grief by Kubler Ross. You move from one to the other and sometimes you feel both at the same time. Anger and acceptance - that's you right now. The good thing is acceptance is the last stage where you start to move on with your life, no longer constrained by all the feelings you have already gone through. It doesn't mean you've given up, you've just accepted you can't change it. It's freeing in a way and gives you clarity to confront your husband head on and demand what you need. Lord help the man who ignores you! He'll either start to wake up or start having Lorena Bobbit nightmares! Your a great lady and someone will be VERY lucky to have you. You will find someone worthy of you who will cherish you and show you all the love and devotion you deserve. I actually pity your husband waking up with huge hole in his boat, a storm cloud over his head, rough water ahead looking at you sailing away at the edge of the storm in the sunlight with his bucket!


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Anger and acceptance - that's you right now. The good thing is acceptance is the last stage where you start to move on with your life, no longer constrained by all the feelings you have already gone through. It doesn't mean you've given up, you've just accepted you can't change it. 
You on a roll today 8yr thats it in a nut shell. I'm anger that I have to go through this but I accept that I can not change what is. It is what it is, now what. Now I march to the beat of my own drum.
Lorenna huh....A bulb just went off...ding ding ding....just joking. I told a friend of mine Friday when he said it looks like he should start getting bail money ready that If I didn't take my gun Sunday or pull it out Thursday night then I have enough self control and purpose to get through this. To allow them to take my freedom and my ability to be with and raise my boys will not happen. It's funny because he does worry about me. Not that I am being violent or anything. If I was acting an ass he would be find with it. It's the claim that he is worried about.
I feel sorry for him aswell because I feel that when the time comes and I leave him, no matter what relationship he has with his sons the fact that I am no longer his is going to be a very hard pill to swallow. He keeps saying he can't loose me he has been with me since I was 16 and what would he do with out me. I told him he will live. Thats why he won't leave he says. One of his reason anyway. If he leaves this house or even I there will be no R. He knows that I don't back track. And if we can't figure things out under the same roof then I would never allow him to go sowe his royal oats and allow him to come back to me. And if I get a taste of freedom then i won't look back. It is freeing 8yr and yes you have been a stable rock, a male voice, male point of view and a fellow betrayed. 
If I can have a man that gives me what he wants from me then I think that I will be ok. Does that make sense to you. Maybe I'm talking out my head. Anyway I have had a pretty good day. In a bit of pain. My stomach hurts and I don't know why but I'll rest and it will go away. Either way, today has been a good day.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Did you listen to the wave file?


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Did you listen to the wave file?


For whatever reason it will not download. I will try another computer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Check Youtube and search: Finding Nemo - Mine Mine Mine


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

UPDATE:

I just put him out! He went over there again. When he came back I ask had he spoke to her lately he replied no. I aske had he seen her he replied no I ask had he been over to her house or in that area again no. I waited for a while then told him that I knew. He said he was not there and then I showed him the proof. He then said he went over there but did not go in. He was seeing i she was out side because her cousin owed him $60. So I said $60 was worth you marriage. He said no. I said NC meand NC. So blah blah blah. I just looked at him (no emotions) he said so you want me to leave and I said yes. So he start getting a few things together and i start to take his keys off his ring which up set him. More blah blah blah (i really don't feel like rehashing it sorry) All in all he said and I quote: you act like I am that bad of a husband. You don't have women calling your phone or coming by the house I am not that bad. I said that he was trying to justify his actions and play the victim and make me out to be the bad guy and it was not going to work. He choose to do what he is doing and I am choosing not to allow it to happen under my roof. I was no going to aloow him to go see her then come home and want to be near me and touch me and that if I had, had sex with him yesterday and then he went over there today that there would be a huge problem. I started to get a bit loud when he started to say things like I'm am not a sorry ass man and husband to leave this house and not come back with all the bills that are here. I am not sorry. I told him he is a great provider and father and use to be a great husband but now yes he is a sorry ass husband and yes he is that bad because he has been screwing around with this woman for 5yrs. So he left without his keys because he didn't want to wake the kids. So he said that he apologize as he was leaving and I said it's always I'm sorry, I apologize I didn't mean to hurt you then you do it again. You are not sorry you could care less. Then I open the door let him out and as he was walking away saying oh so I am a sorry ass husband I shut the door and locked it. I maped him and he is up to his job. He may call her and tell her to meet him there and get a room and sleep with her I don't know and I doubt he will ever tell me but at this moment I have no emotion except there is a lot of bills and with his medical the business and his pay cks (now with the new medical deduction) barley covers things so I am scared sh*tless that I won't be able to handle things but I'll pray on it and let it be what ever it will be. 
Guess thats my night in a nut shell. The boys were asleep so they didn't have to see that and in the moring when he is no here to take them to camp I will just say he left early and they will think it is for a Doctors appt. Don't know about the rest of the day but I will deal with it when it comes.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Time to shut down all joint accounts and drain them. If he has direct deposit, leave that one open but suck it out as soon the pay comes in. SHut down joint credit cards too. Protect yourself. MAYBE, JUST MAYBE this will wake him up. I'm soooo sorry your going through this. HUGGGGS.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Time to shut down all joint accounts and drain them. If he has direct deposit, leave that one open but suck it out as soon the pay comes in. SHut down joint credit cards too. Protect yourself. MAYBE, JUST MAYBE this will wake him up. I'm soooo sorry your going through this. HUGGGGS.



Your sorry, how do you think I feel. Thank you. He doesn't get direct deposit but I don't think I need to do all that at this point. He is an ass whole but not to that degree. He was still saying moments ago on the phone can he come home to night because by continuing to get hotel rms he is wasting money we don't have and that I already sleep on the couch so that should not be a problem. I told him nothinghas happen in the last few hrs to change anything so no. So he keeps saying the same thing about the money the medical bills an d so on. He is very into his credit and not allowing anything to fall short in the home which is a reason like I have said to him and on here that he never left and not so much that he wants to be here like he keeps saying he does. Words without action doesn't do much for me. He has cares about his boys. I could be wrong but just leaving thins to fall apart financially I don't see him doing it. he was taking bills with him to work to send off.

I ask him again about the NC letter he said he WILL NOT DO IT. That me and this whole internet thing is getting on his nerve and that he will not do things the way I want them. That I don't have to worry about him going over there (yeah right heard that before, heck he said that last sunday) andhe said it like i was forcing him ya know. But he was not going to do the letter and when I ask why he kept epeating cause and when I kept asking him he said there is no excuse i told him i was looking for a reason not an excuse. Excuses is what he gives me and a reason is what I ask for. He said he was not going to so i said well then you will just keep getting hotel rooms so he said well i will come get the rest of my things and hung up. I called him back and said she is worth all this you would just leave because of a letter and he said the same thing he doesn't want to go i want him to go and he will not write the letter he will do things his way. I reminded him that we have been doing it his way and thats what got us futher in this hole.

More blah blah blah then we hung up. I thought about it. And sent him a very very very VERY long txt and that in short I told him if It were my way this would have never happend or he would have stopped a long time ago. But if asking him to prove that he is really in this and that he loves me like he says to try at least to help me start rebuliding is doing it my way then yes I want it my way. That apperently not hurting her just incase he wants to go to her is more important than tearing his family apart and that I may not be able to stop that but i will not allow it under my roof and regardless he will RESPECT ME!

After that he called twice but i didn't answer. I mean why should I. When I was trying to talk to him earlier he kept saying i'm at work I have to go to wk. So since he is at wk why should I answer when he calls. Because when the conversation gets to hot he will just say i have to go I am at wk. So i txt him and said: Talking does us no good right now(insert name here). You keep saying things that break my heart. And left it at that. But can i be honest and say that I honestly don't feel anything. I don't understand why. I mean my world is crumbling around me but I don't feel what I think I should be feeling. Yes I am nervous about certain things but I don't know I can't explain it.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I do know your pain and remember when my wife refused to NC adn kept it up. I talked to my lawyer, got the costs of D and how to go about it for the least cost impact using one lawyer, got a separation agreement and then laid it all out for my wife. Told her it wasn't what I wnated but couldn't live in the same house with her while she continued. Laid out how it would go financially, how we sould fix and sell the house and how I didn't expect if she moved out we could ever get back together and that statistics supported that. She ahd two options, NC and transparency or get out. SHe chose to try and work it out and do NC/transparency. Obviously, the financials were rough for her and not so rough for me with only our youngest still and home and me refusing to let my wife uproot her to an apartment - even though I couldn't really stop her legally.

I remember clearly the feeling of my heart going through a meat grinder. I came way too close to a murder of the OM/suicide to the point where I was there waiting locked and loaded. Iw ent and got meds and leveled out and pulled back from the edge of the abyss. So yes, I do understand. Please take care of yourself, see your doctor again for help.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

It scares the shot out of me now how despondent I got. Love is wonderful when it's good, it can destroy you if it's not.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> It scares the shot out of me now how despondent I got. Love is wonderful when it's good, it can destroy you if it's not.


Here's the thing. With his health and he take at least 15 meds day that are mandatory and his need for insurance and limited funds I don;t want to have to be paying for him. I know they take all that inconsideration and thats another reason I don't wanna rock the boat with the money. If he leaves he will do what is riht as long as I don't have anyone this much he has continually said over and over and OVER again. As for the feeling you are so right 8yr when love is good it is the fire that burns deep in your soul that one thing that can make you glow no matter the the line of distruction coming your way you feel safe. However when it is bad it's like the smell of death rottening and you have to endure it untill it passes. SORRY SO GRAPHIC.
Yet thats not what I am feeling at all. Ok I woke up ever hour last night (went to sleep after 2:45 and got layed awake at 5:12 until 7) but the sleep I had when I slept was sound. More so than when he was in the nxt room. I was worried about him and his health, yes I was concerned that he may go to her but all in all I slept pretty dang good and that part worried me a little. I feel like I should have been distraut. My eyes are puffy from not sleeping so long but they should be swollen from crying right? I should have been crying right? I don't know what this means and it is bothering me a little.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Your numb. It may break and you'll fall apart. You may also be further into that acceptance stage - you know you can't change it so your just moving ahead knwoing you can do that and it there's no benefit to allowing it to tear you apart. I hope it's the altter and probably is. Keep busy, it helps. My inclination was always to lose all motivation and that makes it horrendously worse becuase you think too much and the pain takes over and eats you alive. I've learned to force myself to get up and do something - usually something that I've been wanting to do and haven't. The sense of accomplishment helps dramatically. Then on to next thing undone that has been bugging me. Is tick with small projects I can knock out in a short period of time. Not major ones I may become frustrated at not completing fast enough.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Your numb. It may break and you'll fall apart. You may also be further into that acceptance stage - you know you can't change it so your just moving ahead knwoing you can do that and it there's no benefit to allowing it to tear you apart. I hope it's the altter and probably is. Keep busy, it helps. My inclination was always to lose all motivation and that makes it horrendously worse becuase you think too much and the pain takes over and eats you alive. I've learned to force myself to get up and do something - usually something that I've been wanting to do and haven't. The sense of accomplishment helps dramatically. Then on to next thing undone that has been bugging me. Is tick with small projects I can knock out in a short period of time. Not major ones I may become frustrated at not completing fast enough.


I'm doing pretty good considering. At th store it's slow but I'm here just the same. When It's slow like this it does give me to much time to think. So I come on TAM but sometimes reading the stories of hurt and betrayal triggers me. So i find othr things sometimes. 
He tx me back and said (and how funny is this)
(insert name here) i got your texts, just take a deep breath and we will take. I'm not going any where.
WOOOOOOOOOOOW. All that I said and thats what he took from it. So bare with me I will tell you exactly what I txtd back.
SORRY THIS IS A BIT LONG
I told him:
I am not overly excited and getting carried away. I don't need to breath. I need my huband to willing do what ever it takes to win MY HEART, LOVE TRUST AND RESPECT back. Not do somethingthe he does not want to do (which is any and everything I ask for) because his alliance lay somewhere else. And not because he had nowhere else to go. I want a man that does not see past me. Not because he can't and does not notice other women but because he doesn't want to . Because he can't see past me and what I have to give him and I want to have the same feelings for him. No we won't talk later. You will push it aside or it will turn into an argument when there shouldn't be one. Your words don't mean much to me without action and there has been none. You say your not going anywhere. You see, I'm not doing all of this and saying all of these things to keep you from going anywhere. I told you you are already gone. Mentalilty and emotionally. I have been trying to get you to see just how much you have been throwing away and how much you have to lose. I will no longer accept parts of you. The parts that she doesn't not have or the parts that you take away from me and our kids and give her. I want you to think of me the same way. I want you to want to see me that badly, enjoy talking to me that much the way you do her. Like you use to. WITHOUT IT FEELING LIKE I AM FORCING YOU TO LOVE AND DO RIGHT BY ME, if not we have nothing to talk about. I don't want to hear any more of your bold face lies. You can't even be honest with me when I am coming at you with the truth of what I know. YOu would rather make me out to be a fool and then when it is plain and in your face the I am wrong for finding out. You would lie dispite hell and that is just disrespectful to me. She didn't call you but you go to her. WOW $60, our marriage means that little that you had to go as you say to her house to see if her coyusin brought th money they owed you there and I am to believe that. My heart means that little. I won't fold to your lies so you you will get your stuff huh. WOW man did I judge you wrong. You need to talk to yourself and find out what your doing. Talk to me after that.

That was what I sent him back.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Great job girl. Let him swim in his scum as long as it takes!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Great job girl. Let him swim in his scum as long as it takes!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


FYI that MINE MINE MINE is annoying  finally saw it.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Any word from the oblivious?


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

‪kem why would you stay lyrics‬‏ - YouTube


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I know you wish he would say those words and mean them. Very pretty song. Here a couple of my deep moments favorites:
‪3 Doors Down - Here Without You‬‏ - YouTube
‪Bon Jovi - Till We Ain't Strangers Anymore ft. LeAnn Rimes‬‏ - YouTube


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Any word from the oblivious?


Why of course. Sorry sorry and more sorrys to mess up or lives. First h will not send letter then after I said no letter then book the hotel for a few more nights then after bringing boys hm from hairs cut. Talked for a long time and what does he put in the letter and why do I want it sent. He had a plan the way he wantd to do it. More selfish bs. Iask why he keeps going back. He said he cares about her but he does not love her even though he has told her that he does. I said he could be telling me that same lie and doesn't love me. Which pissed him off. More blah blah blah and after him reluctently agreeing to MC. I looked at him and said very frankly:

I know ppl change through the yrs but because of this you are a different person and I don't like you. You no longer have to do anything you don't want and I will not force you. Send the letter don't send it, MC or no MC I will not force you to do anything. Just the fact that you messed up and you SAY you want me and this marriage should have you doing everything possiable. So you do what it is you have to do for you and I will do what I must for me. Stay here or don't but you and this marriage from this point on are of no more importance to me. But from this moment on I am working on a time clock and I WILL have my business in order when it stops. What you do in that time is up to you. I have my own thinking to do because after so many yrs of this I no longer see where its worth it to me to be married to you except for the kids and financal reasons. I will no longer share you, your heart or your feelings and love with any one else. You are here physically and financially and gone mentailly and emotionally. Like I told you from the start you set the stage for what ever you want in this relationship. I am here physically but emotionally I have cked out and soon I will hate you enough to only deal with you for the sake of the children and that will be more than find with me. 

He sat in disbelif for a while and I turn the TV on because it was off and start watching. He just sat there looking at me. After a while he got up and got his things out the car and went in the room. After cking on the boys he came in and ask for his house key back. I told him no because he will not need it in the foreseeable future. That way when I do catch you around there again, because you will be. I don't have to go through the drama of getting it back.
He has already txted me from work today about MC.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> I know you wish he would say those words and mean them. Very pretty song. Here a couple of my deep moments favorites:
> ‪3 Doors Down - Here Without You‬‏ - YouTube
> ‪Bon Jovi - Till We Ain't Strangers Anymore ft. LeAnn Rimes‬‏ - YouTube


I like LeAnn not as much as I did before she broke up a marriage but she still sounds good. But The first one by 3 Doors Down was awesome and I'm getting ready to download it to my phone.
THX


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

His brother is throwing a Bday party for his wife and they invite us. Her and my other brother in laws wife and there cousins wives have already text me to comfirm I was coming. So I am going to go and I am thinking of driving my own car but either way you better believe I will bring my A game when I get dressed. EVERYTHING WILL BE FLAWLESS!!!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

ANd I'm sure you'll sizzle! elieve it or not, I think the night light came on in his head. Now the rest of the lights needs to. Hopefully someone will be home when they do!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

By the way, I am impressed with how eloquent you are expressing your feelings. YOU ARE QUITE THE LADY!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> I know ppl change through the yrs but because of this you are a different person and I don't like you. You no longer have to do anything you don't want and I will not force you. Send the letter don't send it, MC or no MC I will not force you to do anything. Just the fact that you messed up and you SAY you want me and this marriage should have you doing everything possiable. So you do what it is you have to do for you and I will do what I must for me. Stay here or don't but you and this marriage from this point on are of no more importance to me. But from this moment on I am working on a time clock and I WILL have my business in order when it stops. What you do in that time is up to you. I have my own thinking to do because after so many yrs of this I no longer see where its worth it to me to be married to you except for the kids and financal reasons. I will no longer share you, your heart or your feelings and love with any one else. You are here physically and financially and gone mentailly and emotionally. We you I told you from th start you set the stage for what ever you want in this relationship. I am here physically but emotionally I have cked out and soon I will hate you enough to only deal with you for the sake of the children and that will be more than find with me.
> 
> He sat in disbelif for a while and I turn the TV on because it was off and start watching. He just sat there looking at me. After a while he got up and got his things out the car and went in the room. After cking on the boys he came in and ask for his house key back. I told him no because he will not need it in the foreseeable future. That way when I do catch you around there again, because you will be. I don't have to go through the drama of getting it back.
> He has already txted me from work today about MC.


:smthumbup:


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> By the way, I am impressed with how eloquent you are expressing your feelings. YOU ARE QUITE THE LADY!


 Why thank you. When I yell and scream and curse it suites him a little because he can see I still care. But then he still says: why are you behaving like this, this isn't you. You don't act like this. To that I finally replied because I am tired of being classy about this and being made a fool of. But then I thought why bring a side of me out that I DON'T EVEN LIKE ( i hate that part of me actually and I work hard to keep it at bay).

I am going to stay me and to keep myself sane and out of trouble and able to look myself in the mirror as well as my boys I will just detach myself emotionally from this. Now the down fall with this is just as you say when he comes around if he comes around I just may not be there. 

Oh yeah sizzle heck i am going to be in flames:rofl:


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

sexuallyfustrated said:


> Why of course. Sorry sorry and more sorrys to mess up or lives. First h will not send letter then after I said no letter then book the hotel for a few more nights then after bringing boys hm from hairs cut. Talked for a long time and what does he put in the letter and why do I want it sent. He had a plan the way he wantd to do it. More selfish bs. Iask why he keeps going back. He said he cares about her but he does not love her even though he has told her that he does. I said he could be telling me that same lie and doesn't love me. Which pissed him off. More blah blah blah and after him reluctently agreeing to MC. I looked at him and said very frankly:
> 
> I know ppl change through the yrs but because of this you are a different person and I don't like you. You no longer have to do anything you don't want and I will not force you. Send the letter don't send it, MC or no MC I will not force you to do anything. Just the fact that you messed up and you SAY you want me and this marriage should have you doing everything possiable. So you do what it is you have to do for you and I will do what I must for me. Stay here or don't but you and this marriage from this point on are of no more importance to me. But from this moment on I am working on a time clock and I WILL have my business in order when it stops. What you do in that time is up to you. I have my own thinking to do because after so many yrs of this I no longer see where its worth it to me to be married to you except for the kids and financal reasons. I will no longer share you, your heart or your feelings and love with any one else. You are here physically and financially and gone mentailly and emotionally. We you I told you from th start you set the stage for what ever you want in this relationship. I am here physically but emotionally I have cked out and soon I will hate you enough to only deal with you for the sake of the children and that will be more than find with me.
> 
> ...


PRICELESS!!!  Should be required reading for all BS having difficulty moving forward. Awesome, be proud of yourself!


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Eli-zor: Thank you. I am trying the best I can. And I feel that it all in short begging on my part. Begging him to love me more and want me more and pick me pick me and he keeps saying I know I messed up but. BUT WHAT. I am a man. So if his pride and his feelings for this woman keeps him from begging my forgiveness and hustling his butt out to do the right thing then MY PRIDE won't allow my to settle for an awaking from THE FOG any longer.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

2xloser.....Although I didn't do it for that reason. I REALLY AM CHECKING OUT EMOTIONALLY. I am proud of myself. And while I am sure it will hurt when I find he went there or has been in contact it won't hurt so much because during these last few eposides of AS THE CONFUSED TURNS, I have yet to cry, any. Not one tear, just so straight to the point and matter of factly. JUST LEAVE is all I aske and he doesn't wanna give me th peace of that. I feel out of love with him when this happed but now the love I had is slipping away and I am happy because that means I won't hurt much in the end.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Some guys learn the hard way , or miss the boat then cry because what was good and wonderful is gone from them .

Suspect your husband thought he could rug sweep.

Hang is there, carry on as you are with no compromise.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Some guys learn the hard way , or miss the boat then cry because what was good and wonderful is gone from them .
> 
> Suspect your husband thought he could rug sweep.
> 
> Hang is there, carry on as you are with no compromise.


I compromised for 5yrs. Gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried to have faith in our 18yrs together. He can continue to rug sweep. As long as it keeps him warm at night because I won't. The wife and lover in me has now taken a back seat to the woman and mother in me. AND WE DESERVE BETTER. No Eli-Zor there WILL BE NO COMPROMISING on my part! It's now or never for him, put up or shut up and with his track record I don't exspect much. Actually guys it will shock me senseless if I did see action. I mean after 5yrs does it happen. Well 8yr you said it was 18 for you. Thats our entire relationship.

He tried to pull this one guys: Haven't you ever mess up and made mistakes. I mean what are you perfect:scratchhead:. No human. And everyone has made mistakes but I choose to learn from them and become a better me because of them. The differents between us I told him is he would take a lie to it's grave no matter what while if you ask me a question you better be ready for the answer. It gets me in more trouble than out of by being so honest (my sister tells me i need to stop because ppl say they like honesty but really don't) but it takes to much time to remember a lie and only a second to remember the truth.

I am hanging in and getting my money in order and stick out for that year and 7mnth to be vested in the marriage even if we have to live apart we will be separted until that time is up. I am securing my future.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

sexuallyfustrated said:


> It's now or never for him, put up or shut up and with his track record I don't exspect much. Actually guys it will shock me senseless if I did see action.


I'm actually somewhat surprised by now you still have even _this_ tiny bit of held-out hope, any door-still-open opportunity for him. Truthfully I'm almost hoping he doesn't take the sliver of opportunity you're holding out for him; he doesn't deserve it and you don't deserve to be put through any more with him.

Regardless of my opinion (or anyone else's), I truly do hope you get what you want in the end. Onward and upward to a better life for you, I say!!!


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

2xloser said:


> I'm actually somewhat surprised by now you still have even _this_ tiny bit of held-out hope, any door-still-open opportunity for him. Truthfully I'm almost hoping he doesn't take the sliver of opportunity you're holding out for him; he doesn't deserve it and you don't deserve to be put through any more with him.
> 
> Regardless of my opinion (or anyone else's), I truly do hope you get what you want in the end. Onward and upward to a better life for you, I say!!!


ME TOO ME TOO!!!!:iagree::smthumbup: I feel I kinda of want him to fail...sorry if that sounds heartless but I DO. It does me no good to hope. Because I know I did my best I did my part. I nurse the man back to his self after a major major operation. And that was 1 yr ago. I think I want him to go, I am starting to feel I will never trust him. To many lies. But not before I get my money right if I can. I'm no fool now......he's gonna pay those dang bills.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

The party was nice. After we left he didn't want to go home so went went to a club. This place was not someplace I go to but club he has with his brothers and cousins (he really only goes out with family, same as I) but I went. It was ok. Did a little small talk. After a while I suggested that we go because he had work he nxt moring. He was like only when your ready and I said I was. I think he was playing show and tell with me (just my thoughts). Like I said I made sure I was flawless that night.
One of my nieces came over to sit with the boys and stayd the night so that meant I had to sleep in the bed. He stayed his side and I mine.
When he was leaveing for work he woke me up by kissing me which irritaed me honestly so I just looked at him. He was me way I looked like that and I just stared he said is it because I kiss you and I said yep. He said I can kiss you if I want to and went to do it again and I rolled over. He said heard me making noises in my sleep and when I am in pain and not feeling well I do that but he said as he watched me it seem more like I was crying in my sleep but there were no tears.
I told him if I were crying then it would havee to be in my sleep because it no longer happens when I am awake.
Not so get so personal but i came home from work yesterday to run in for a sec and go back. He stopped hm before coming to the business. When I came in he was going from the bed room with is pants loose said he had just left the bathroom and his stomach was hurting(we don't have a bathroom in our bedroom) hmmm i think I know what he was doing all i did was say oh ok. And went back to the store. He came a while after I guess he had to finish.
Anyway thats my UPDATE. Nothing more just really reall small talk.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

So I have been reading about this 180 plan o this forum for sometime now and I went to find out about it. Sounds a bit ifie. Seems it works for some but not for all. I see it as a way to build on yourself and that's the part that I am leaning towards. To me using it as a way to get a spouse to come back to you for is not something I want to do. 

Not sold on it yet but if done for my reasons and not the other it may benefit me.....any thoughts?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

sexuallyfustrated said:


> So I have been reading about this 180 plan o this forum for sometime now and I went to find out about it. Sounds a bit ifie. Seems it works for some but not for all. I see it as a way to build on yourself and that's the part that I am leaning towards. To me using it as a way to get a spouse to come back to you for is not something I want to do.
> 
> Not sold on it yet but if done for my reasons and not the other it may benefit me.....any thoughts?


Oh boy, here we go again.

The purpose of the 180 degrees rules are to empower a spouse with enough emotional strength that he/she will be able to move on with his/her life with or without his/her spouse. *It is NOT a manipulation tool to bring the other spouse back or to make the spouse fall back in love.* 

Many spouses who successfully apply the 180 degrees rules often find a *side effect* to it. That *side effect* is that the fence sitting unfaithful spouse panics and conveys to the betrayed spouse to take him/her back. It doesn't happen in all cases, especially in the ones where the unfaithful spouse is really using the affair to end the marriage, but it does seem to happen with many of the fence sitting unfaithful spouses.

*The purpose and success is in the emotional empowerment of the betrayed spouse regardless of whether or not the marriage survives.*


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

You are obviously a very strong woman. I could not have dealt with all you've been through. My heart goes out to you and your children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

morituri said:


> Oh boy, here we go again.
> 
> The purpose of the 180 degrees rules are to empower a spouse with enough emotional strength that he/she will be able to move on with his/her life with or without his/her spouse. *It is NOT a manipulation tool to bring the other spouse back or to make the spouse fall back in love.*
> 
> ...


Not sure what the OH BOY HERE WE GO AGAIN was for however, while I understand everything you just stated because TO ME it seems as it maybe used for both reasons. Now if you were to re-read my post I stated why my interest in it would be and it WAS NOT to get the husband to conform to and honest shot at reconciliation because again FOR ME it's like saying see why you should pick me .While it may and have worked for some i see how it can have the opposite effect and can land a person on the wrong side. I just wanted different thoughts on it because as I said It has been referenced on a number of threads and I never understood it in it's entirety until I read it for myself. And that was the reason I ask. Unlike some ppl I actually like to hear different opinions. It helps me to make inform decisions on my part.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

The Oh boy was in anticipation of my usual rant why not to do the 180. You can see why not in my thread in the men's clubhouse - nuff said.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The 180 and the Plan B from Marriagebuilders are designed to protect the BS from the wayward. 

I would normally recommend the 180 if the wayward is sharing lodgings with the BS and Plan B once they are in separate homes.

Ultimately they are designed to protect the BS from the emotional roller coaster and shenanigans of the wayward.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> You are obviously a very strong woman. I could not have dealt with all you've been through. My heart goes out to you and your children.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. I was told early in life (and I do mean early) that my strength was a blessing and curse. That sometimes it was a bit much and could.be intimidating. So before I got married I worked on that part if me. My mother use to say to me as early as 9 yrs old that I was as mean as a snake and as stubborn as a bull (oddly enough that's both signs for a Taurus) and that while she knew that was my defense that I would have to learn to control it. So I prayed before I got married.for God to teach me how and when to use it, not take it away because I wanted to have it when I needed it but to teach me a better way to channel it. Well he did and I did and I think my husband thought that it.made me easy prey because before this I think he would been scared sh*@less to try these things. My sister use to call me Joan Clever because all I did was what ever I felt a wife and mother would do. I hardly went anywhere and I kept my self up. I was what I heard so many older ladys say to be. A lady in the streets but a freak in the bed( for the most part on that freak things). I did a lot of the changes for him but I kept them for me. I was 16 when we met and I am proud of the 34 yr old woman I have become. My sisters x says she is to damn proud( he was a worst cheat then my husband),.my mother's man said the samething to her both these men make great money and I think it had a lot to do with it. My husband said once that I was defiant. As if I was a child and if he good the OW TO SHUT UP she would. I said but not me, he said: are you serious you would.never allow me to talk to you like that. This started when we were doing well financially I might add ( don't know what it us with some men and money). My strength is something that keeps me sane and will push me forward. It's what I must draw on to be what myself and my children need. I am so happy I never ask god to simply take it away. I knew one day I would need it and it seems that time has come. I come from a long line of very strong women and for that I am proud. Add that to what I have and I kinda feel unstoppable. But that's just me. Thank you again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> The Oh boy was in anticipation of my usual rant why not to do the 180. You can see why not in my thread in the men's clubhouse - nuff said.



As always 8yr thx and I will ck that out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

People always said I was strong. I know I conveyed that but, it was all a facade. I never take any crap and I am brutally forthright. I don't like to beat around the bush. I don't really know how I would react in your situation. I could only guess. Good luck to you girl!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Only one thing for you strong women - engage brain before opening mouth and ALWAYS do no harm. That keeps the ugly side of strength at bay! This from an DIrty Old Bastard who was always too strong with my wife and all it did was cause her to shut down and run into the OM's arms. Being TOO Alpha is worse than anything.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> The 180 and the Plan B from Marriagebuilders are designed to protect the BS from the wayward.
> 
> I would normally recommend the 180 if the wayward is sharing lodgings with the BS and Plan B once they are in separate homes.
> 
> ...


Eli- Zor that was descriptive, exactly what wanted. Thankx. I can see he is going to make this a emotional roller coaster if I allow. This morning he gets up and I at the same time. I am getting my bedding together putting it up and when I came back he would not let me past. He just hugged me and I just stood there arms to the side and ask what his deal was. He said he needed to hold me and I said Awww oook are ya done yet. He was looking all sad and tear eyed and stroking my hair and kissing my forehead and I finally said I have things to do. And went on. More of the same weepy looks and things of this nature. I don't have time for the games. I wanted to know how to self protect without becoming a cold heartless [email protected]*. I can do that but that will hurt me more in the long run because I feel it would be hard to let go of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Only one thing for you strong women - engage brain before opening mouth and ALWAYS do no harm. That keeps the ugly side of strength at bay! This from an DIrty Old Bastard who was always too strong with my wife and all it did was cause her to shut down and run into the OM's arms. Being TOO Alpha is worse than anything.


I sooo agree with you there on that my friend. I was not always like that in my early yrs and in the beginning of the relationship. By the time we decided to get married and actually did and had children I was doing just that, thinking before I spoke. And reminded him to do the same. I would say: be careful because once you say something you can not take it back. Being to Alpha be it man or woman is never a good thing. There should always be room for sensitivity. IMHO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

sexuallyfustrated said:


> Not sure what the OH BOY HERE WE GO AGAIN was for however, while I understand everything you just stated because TO ME it seems as it maybe used for both reasons.


I didn't mean no disrespect to you personally with the "Oh boy here we go again" comment but simply venting frustration when I see yet another person trying to use the 180 degrees rules for something that it was not meant for. If you were offended by my comment, please accept my sincerest apologies.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> People always said I was strong. I know I conveyed that but, it was all a facade. I never take any crap and I am brutally forthright. I don't like to beat around the bush. I don't really know how I would react in your situation. I could only guess. Good luck to you girl!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are strong!!! Sometimes you have to fake it to you make it. While I was always strong willed I wasn't as confident in my early yrs as I am in then later but no one knew and when I say it now they don't believe me. My family says I always behave liked I was conceited. I have guys who said the samething. But it was what I had to do to until one day it was in fact what I believe. I am strong. I am beautiful. I and self reliant and hard working and.prize for any man. I and.a great and loyal friend and I am confident in my abilities as all of that as well as a mother and a woman. And because I KNOW this about myself my confidences shines through and.there is nothing sexier than that. YOU ARE ALL THOSE THINGS!! YOU JUST HAVE TO KNOW IT. AND ALLOW NO ONE, MAN, WOMAN OR CHILD TO TELL YOU OTHER WISE. I never knew I would go through this. But when his medical condition presented it self I jumped in both feet. My siters use to cry all the time and say but he is such a good person, why him. And one even as me why I had not cried. I told her there was nothing to cry about. It was whY it was and I was either going to get him through it or not. She said you hadn't even given it any thought and I said if anyone has to think about weather or not they should help there spouse through such a huge medical deal like this says alot about that person. That was before I found out about the affair and I still choose to stay and get him through it because I felt that was in the best interest of my sons. To show them what a real woman/ spouse would and should do. I dont regret it either and never will. Now if anything else comes sad to say but he is on his on. I did my part.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

morituri said:


> I didn't mean no disrespect to you personally with the "Oh boy here we go again" comment but simply venting frustration when I see yet another person trying to use the 180 degrees rules for something that it was not meant for. If you were offended by my comment, please accept my sincerest apologies.


No not really offend just puzzled to what I could have said to bring on a response such as that for asking and wanting clarity to something I did not clearly understand. While I am not easily offended I keep my guard up just Incased. It is just my way. I was careful not to be rude and forgive me if I did. I am told I have away of coming across that way and ppl who don't know me would take my blunt honesty as rudeness. I did get some good information from your post so I got out of it what I asked for. Thank you and no worries were good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Not much to update guys just cking in with you all anyway. H woke me up a few days ago at like 3 something in the morning to say he wants to take me on a date this friday. I have yet to answer him on that. Still no more movement on his part far as the things I asked for. He says thats over but I have no proof. I have not mapped him over there since but they could meet other places I don't know. I know longer ask about her or it or this marriage. I just keep having to remind him when he keeps asking about sex that I am not going to be used like that. That I have yet to get anything I ask for so why would I give myself to him. That is usually when he responds I know you need it to. Anyway he is rug sweeping and at this point I don't really care much because with out action I don't want the words anyway. I have been doing well though and I think thats whats getting to him as well as he thinking I have just let it go and were back to status quo which is future from the truth. I am just learning how to live for me and the boys now. But for some reason since yesterday my mood has been a bit gloomy. Kinda down and I am not sure why but it is so I'm just going with it. 

Thats all in my neck of the woods. Chat later. Everyone have a great day.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Hey Lady - I been too damn busy to post lately. HEAD UP DAMMIT!!! Are you ready for me to call him and tell him some seriously disturbing things about how great you are doing XXXXX just to blow his mind?


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Hey Lady - I been too damn busy to post lately. HEAD UP DAMMIT!!! Are you ready for me to call him and tell him some seriously disturbing things about how great you are doing XXXXX just to blow his mind?


 Hi there silly. My head is up, well in away. Truly what ever this is just sort of jumped on my late yesterday evening. Nothing out of the normal occured. Nah, if he don't know by know then his lost. I finally told my mother (he doesn't know) that he is still up to no good (she just like all my family thought he came to his senses 3yrs ago and stop. At first when I just kept saying he has to go, he has to go NOW she said, no he is sick you can't just put him out I know men can be annoying but I taught you better. When I told her why he has to go her face turned sour and she looked at me and said NO if you put up with it this long you can put up with it a little longer until you have your things in order and not before. Then you leave.

I'm ok though. Instead of fighting it I'm just allowing it to run it's course. Most times I have no time to be down I am always trying to help others out of their funk so I get to have my own. I'll be fine, I don't know any other way to be, no worrie's.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

That's good. You had me worried!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

So I told you all that H wanted to take me on a date. Remember he woke me up around 3:30 am and told me that friday (last friday) he wanted to take me on a date. Ok here we go:

Got off friday night and went home together to wash up and get dress. He wanted steak and that was fine with me because my irons is still low and I need to boost it up. He knows that I don't care for eating to late especially when it comes to red meat but I here him on the phone with his cousin and then him saying ok I'll be there in a min. So I stop getting dress and waited. He irons his clothes and gets his things together and says I'll be right back. I looked at the time as it was 9:02pm. I mapped him and he did go to his cousins so when I figured he should be on his way back ( I started to take my shower and get ready for bed but I wanted to see how this was going to play out). He comes back and I am just about done. It's about 10:18pm when he comes in. Takes a shower, has to take his meds and this that and the other. By the time he is ready it is just about 11:00pm. The he says well where are we going. I say I thought you wanted steak. He's like well what time do they close, blah blah blah. I just smirk and he says now what I say nothing. We finally leave and get to a steak house which closes at 11:30pm. WOW SOME DATE. I Thanked him for dinner just the same. We came right back home because he had work the nxt day. I get undress and get on the couch and so does he and he falls alseep. After a while says he is going to bed. 
The nxt day he gets off comes down to my business and we barley speak other than the basic hi how are you's. 

Here is where it gets crazy. It's time close and I take the trash out, which is something he does but I chose to do it that night. Well while down there there is this man putting air in his tires. He said his name was Alejandro and he was new in town and asking me was the area safe enough to ride his bike at that hour. So i tell him the basic things like nowhere is actually safe but at that hour of night no and that I usually ride my bike around my neighbor hood or the park. Of he says something about me being fit because of it and I say it's not from the bike but because I work out a little an play tennis. He then says he plays some and has not partner and could we play on Sundays and got his phone out to get my number. I tell him my sundays I am with my HUSBAND AND KIDS. And he could go to the same place I go to and play against the back tennis wall like I do because I have no partner and I work out in the morning not the evening like him. Well H came down to see what ws taking so long. Saw the phone in guys hand I told him I was coming and he walked back down. I tell him to be careful in which ever area he choose and have a good night.

I go back to close up and here we go. Who was that, How do you know him and why did he have his phone out. So I tell him and then he says so you couldn't just tell him to get lost. I stop what I was doing and said ARE YOU SERIOUS, REALLY?
He's like what do you mean I don't have a right to ask. I tell him not in that tone, not like that. I tell him he will NOT speak to me like that and he needs to get help for that,and then look at him again and said ARE YOU FREAKIN SERIOUS.
Anyway we lock up and go home. Kids where not back home from sleep over. He ask about dinner and what I wanted to eat and I told him that I didn't have to eat anything. Blah blah blah you need to eat you haven't eaten anything blah blah blah. Then, so are you saying I was wrong. 
I say yes you were. He said so just because I messed up I can't ask you anything or say anything to you about nothing? I tell him he has every right but it is all in the way he ask and what he say and he will not talk to me like that. He say so what was the ARE YOU SERIOUS'S for I told him that with all that he has done he has NO RIGHT to treat me like I was doing anything wrong and speak to me as if he caught m doing wrong. We go back and fourth I ask him was he worried about me doing what he did and he says no I ask why is it because he says so and he say yes that and cause it's not who you are. But if I do just tell him first so he can leave. CAN YOU BELIVE THAT SH*T! He wants m to tell him before I do so he can leave. The boys came home at that point and we started them on their baths. He goes in the laundry room and I go in and ask him:

So If i cheat you want me to tell you so you can leave but you have cheated for 5 1/2 yrs and when I ask you to leave you won't.
He says, it's different for a man. When I ask how the hell does he figure that. This man says: no man wants another man having sex with there woman (as if a woman wants another woman having sex with her man/boyfriend/ husband). And I tell him just that and he say it's different. Reguardless of what I did ok yeah I was wrong but I don't want another man in your face when I know I have messed up and he might get you. TALK ABOUT SELFISH. More of than subject. 
Then he says he doesn't like talking to me about the affair because HE doesn't think it's good for me. That it causes me more harm than good. I tell him he doesn't not know me or know whats best for me and the reason I want to know is because he tried to make me out to be a fool. Like I was just stressing for no reason and I didn't know what I was talking about even though I was dead on the entire time so for me it was confirmation. Still says their has been NC in almost a month (says it like it's been 3yrs and got and atitude with it) I ask him was I suppose to be impressed and was that a record ( in a very sarcastic way). I told him that I don't like him very much any more and that hit a nerve. He looked shock and said after all these yrs (18) how could I say that. I told him after 8yrs of marriage and 5 1/2 of them you were cheating what did you expect that I was going to stay head over hills in love with you. He said no but I didn't ever expect to to say you don't like me. I said I don't understand how you can act like your sooo hurt when I say that but when she tells you she loves you and then she hates you you run to her. He says he is trying. I told him good for him but I don't and will not trust him because he is the boy who cried TRUST ME and every time he said it he was NOT to be trusted. Any way there was more but this is long enough. Sorry guys for the lenght.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

WHile not pleasant it was a great conversation. It took SOME of the fog out of his eyes. Maybe the dimmer got turned up a notch in his little head! Wanna really mess him up = I'll still make that call about great you were, wait a couple of days then call him back and say april fools you selfish hypocritical bastard!


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> WHile not pleasant it was a great conversation. It took SOME of the fog out of his eyes. Maybe the dimmer got turned up a notch in his little head! Wanna really mess him up = I'll still make that call about great you were, wait a couple of days then call him back and say april fools you selfish hypocritical bastard!


No it was not the most pleasant of all convos but it....I'm not sure but it was some sort of release for the both of us. He said he feels a if he has already lost his marriage. That he wasn't to say lets separate because it may help us but he knows that it will only lead to divorce because not many ppl get back together after starting a new life and he knows thats if I start something with someone new that I won't be back. I told him maybe that way he can be with her because at this point that woman thinks that I am the reason they can not be together and I'm in the way. That she dislikes me because of it. He said, well thats her problem she is thinking like that on her on. I said no she is thinking like that because you gave her that hope by saying you loved her. He said never told her anything like that and thats on her. Then said listen here. If you and I are not going to be together then I am not going to be with her either. You can get the house and I will get me an apartment with enough room for me and my boys when they come over because that will be my only concern, how I am going to be able to take care of them. I don't want that girl like that I was just being a man and I got caught up in a trap. I said it was not a trap because you chose and kept going back. He said that is what he calls it. And it is not worth it. I reminded him that he had said that many, many, many times I do not believe him. He said he knows and he knows that I will not believe anything he says to the day he dyes or is old and gray. That he understands and will do the vasectomy, the MC he doesn't see the need to tell someone else his business. I said to find out why in the first place. He said I already told you I said no you didn't. You said it wsn't me, then you were drunk when you barley drink and does not drink enough to get impaired and then you said you were confused. He then said it was being a man,. She apporached him and kept coming and he did it cause he could and did not really think he would get caught. He thought because she was not his type I would not pick up on it like I did. After that she start having feeling and he told her what she wanted to hear to keep things going but then she start saying she was going to tell me when he tried to break it off a few times (yeah by still banging her...I GUESS). He says she is a good person and cool to be around and he cares about her. But he still see's not reason to do the letter because it is over. She has not contacted him and nor him her and he just hopes it goes away. And she just goes on with her life. I told him thats not good enough for me and our life will remain as is, null and void. I told him once that a few times guys tried to hit on me and I called one of them a few yrs ago. So he pulled that card and said after you told me that, that is stuck in my head and thats sh%t is not cool (like he had a right to be pissed) so I told him to get the hell off his high horse cause he had no right to be up there. That I told him about the conversatuons to let him know that other men found me attractive and I was not out of the game but I chose to be out. That he thoughts had nothing on mine. The thought of him having sex with this chick with no condom and getting her pregant twice. Paying money out of our house hold to end the pregancies. Of kissing her then coming home and kissing me and our kids. Telling this woman you loved her and buying her things and telling me that we had to tighten up on the spending. I said you thoughts or what ever you can try to imagine with ONE conversation that ended in less than five mins has nothing on the 5 1/2 betrayal so seat your self righteous a$$ down. So no need for that call just the thought of me talking to some one and he has done what he has done has him in a bit of a panic mode. Which does nothing but pisses me other. How dare he, really, I mean REALLY.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

SO let's REALLY push the button. Let him feel an ounce of what of what you have felt. Sorry, I'll quit. Give him time to absorb and consider what you told him. Give him that list again and tell him to let you know when it's done so you can THINK about it.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> SO let's REALLY push the button. Let him feel an ounce of what of what you have felt. Sorry, I'll quit. Give him time to absorb and consider what you told him. Give him that list again and tell him to let you know when it's done so you can THINK about it.


Of he course knows that if he does not get the things done there will not be anything of any sort not even a frienship, just a mother and father relationship for the boys, but he is still trying to work on me for sex. But I know if he gets sex before anything is done then it won't get done. Truly i am not paying much attention to him at all for any reason to be honest. He just doesn't registar to me much any more. Kinda like a fade to black. Or emptiness.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Tell him next time aproaches you for sex that everytime he does he confirms that he doesn't get it all. Actions, not sex will win you back but asking for sex drives you further away. SO far in fact, you have almost given hope!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Tell him someone suggested all the blood has gone south and he thinking with the wrong head. If that's all he can do you're done.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Tell him someone suggested all the blood has gone south and he thinking with the wrong head. If that's all he can do you're done.


You know I like both of those....and I will use them WHEN it comes up again. Because we all know that it will. Seems as if the WS use of sex and thinking it is enough to bring the BS around to them is so very, shal I say delusional at best.

How sad.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

CLueless, delusional, oblivious!


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Ok H came home yesterday really quite and off beat. I ask what was wrong he said nothing. I ask a few times then sat back and watched. He ate, took a shower, prayer with the boys and off to bed, which is odd because he usually sits up with me on the couch until he falls alseep. Well again I went in and ask was he ok again i was met with nothing. Ok all this morning the same thing. After the kids went to school and I got out of the shower I ask him was he going through some sort of emotional withdrawal from her and all. He ask why I said that I said because of your behaviour. I said told him that he always does that. That he acts lonely and he said he is because I won't have sex with him and touch him and blah blah blah and of course 8yr I told him exactly what you said. That he doesn't get it. I also said that this is always what happens before he starts back up again ond of course h said the samething no no no blah blah blah. Any way more about the no sex and I said it's been a mnth since then (he said oh how well i know (because he has not gotten any in that time)) and he has yet to do anything we talked about. Now remember I said Saturday night we had a long conversation and he said he would now again he is back to we will see and he is just waiting to see how this goes. I again told him that was the exact same things he said when he was dealing with this woman. I told him that I will not bend, that I want what I ask for and he says he does not see where it will make any difference of change this and I say so that means you will not bend and will not do them and he says yes. He say regardless I should trust him cause HE says so even though he lied before. And I said I would be crazy to do that. He said you are crazy. So i just started and said oh ok and walked off and he left for work. The he txts me this:

H: U are going by things wrong. U tell me what to do, thats not how to do it.
Me: U never seem to gete tired of hurting me. Point taken, ur way or nothing. I get it. I really do. I understand your position and I will carry on with mine.
H:I'm not hurting you. We are all crazy. U are hurting me. I don't know how much more i can take. This is not good for me.
Me: WOW

Those where sent around 10:10 to 10:15 nothing more

As I said he has a health issue and that has kept me this long and why I have stayed all these yrs because his health came first to me and I put our marriage issues on the back burner. Well in truth the stress of all this could actually hurt him. But also in truth this time I can give a rats ass and if he does get sicck this time I will not stay and help. I am out. I will leave her and/ or who ever else to pick up. But since I don't want him to even have to go through that I will try to have my plan for the most part done in 6mnths. I don't want to be the reason he gets sick and I don't want to get sick or waste any more of my time trying to stick to my 1yr and 7mnth plan. Now if I can get things going so he can go (he still worries about money and bills) with out worry and leaving me with all the bills and things and I can talk him into snot signing the papers (give him some bull reason he would want to her) until my deadline for being vested then that will be ok with me.

The man is clearly taking to damn many meds and it's goin to his head. Freaking weirdo.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

I am in a bad way today and for god got damn reason and while I know there are ppl here who both WS and BS want and are trying to make it work and for that I am happy for u. However I am filing up with PURE RAGE and hate for him and I can't see that changing actually I don't see it changing. I want to take my kids and run far away but then I want to just go and come back for them( what mother thinks like this) that's not me. It has always been me and my little two men. God knows if I had the money I did before this started I would have been gone. Now if I go I have nothing,.just more bills then money. Again with this phone **** and he got it this time. Since she won't stay on the phone long enough I called her house and talk to her mother this time for a good while and..........I can't talk anymore. I.am so full of everything. I gotta go. Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

I'm kinda new around here and I didn't read the whole thread so I apologize if I missed something. 

SF, you remind me of my mother in ways. My father was a womanizer and she let him walk all over her for years. Back and forth they went, and he never changed. You know why........because she did not put her foot down. He knew he could walk all over her and come back. 

The going back and forth, the constant upheaval in my house, the insecurity I had as a child did a lot of damage to me. It would have been much better if she kicked him out and they divorced. It left long lasting damage that I've struggled all my life to overcome. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your boys. Show them that you will not be disrespected.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

southernmagnolia said:


> I'm kinda new around here and I didn't read the whole thread so I apologize if I missed something.
> 
> SF, you remind me of my mother in ways. My father was a womanizer and she let him walk all over her for years. Back and forth they went, and he never changed. You know why........because she did not put her foot down. He knew he could walk all over her and come back.
> 
> The going back and forth, the constant upheaval in my house, the insecurity I had as a child did a lot of damage to me. It would have been much better if she kicked him out and they divorced. It left long lasting damage that I've struggled all my life to overcome. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your boys. Show them that you will not be disrespected.



HI SM, I know this is a long thread. When I come across thread this long I usually read everything the poster has said from begining to end just to catch up cause it can be alot sometime.
I guess some ppl can and will see it like that, that I have not put my foot down, but it's not true at all. 
The real problem and I am just going to put it on out there. It's money and thats the only reason I am staying. No it's not because he takes care of everything although he said this to me this morning (You I have been good to you and always taken care of you and everything and you have not wanted for anything. Just because I have been out in the street doesn't mean anything, you always come first). And I said if thats the type of marriage you want or think that I will be apart of then I'm sorry that's not me or my idea of marriage and you have to go you can not stay here. 

Now the problem is that he knows I can't put him out, cops came and said it's both our house and I could not put him out. If it got physcial then we both would have to leave and if any hits were thrown that person goes to jail(which meant me, because that part of me that i hide so well is coming out against all my efforts to keep it in). So there was nothing that they could do and they left. Now he has medical bills that has drain us HEAVILY!!!! So if he continue to stay at a hotel/motel, pay bills and other things it will end it all. With what he makes we lived ok adding that with the extra's from work they give him and my settlement ck in the bank that we didn't run through we lived well, thats with out the medical bills. When he got sick and had to have hostpitalized over and over then the transplant. And now meds money goes faster than it comes and I was not working because he want a stay at home wife and when I would try he x that out. I know think is was to have the upper hand but heck who knows. Now I have a small business that fell into our laps and it is so very slow but it keeps the doors open and helps out at home SOME. He will not go to his family because either they don't have room or/ and he doesn't want then to know. He wants to keep his good guy image intact. My family is struggling with there own lives (trust me they come to me for help, outside looking in everyone thinks we are all together, if they only knew). Up root my boys and go and stuggle will not happen. I will not leave my house either. That does not mean I plan on staying. Some ppl here may think I am wrong but I have so much rage in me at this point that all i want to do at this point is drag him through the mud and THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM GOING TO DO! When I leave AND I AM I, will at least have a job ( i am looking into night worK so he can be home while the boys are sleep and I am back before they wake so they don't know much. Then get them off to school, shower and take a nap before going into the store to wk. Only Monday -Thursday night 11pm til 5 or 6am. The weekends are free to them and rest. However long it takes to get enough money to cover my house hold for at least 7mths. I will help with the basic house hold bills and anything in our name but the majority will go in a stash. At the end of that 7mths I will file for legal sepration on grounds of infidelity and get it to were he has to go. I will then have him out the house (as long as the he is a regular part of the boys life they will be fine) and drag the seperation on for the reminder of the yr to make it 10yr and i know how to do that (don't have a man (which I don't want) and allow him to think there is hope for us) and then the day after the 10yr ann I file for divorce and if he still does not sign I do non contested. 

I am not fool or push over by any means. I know you where only going by what you have seen in your life and the little you have read so I am not offended at all. No one gets married wanting a divorce and I never wanted to get married, he did. So when I said I do I toook that seriously and went in knowing good and well that it was not going to be easy. Tha ppl who are married for 20, 30, 40+ yrs went through something and I if it was just he did it and stop then I would say ok, If he was actually a womanizer as you said I would fault myself for marrying a man like that but he wasn't that man. I was with him 10yrs before we married so i made sure before i did. I came to love being a wife (my sister called me Joan Clever) I love taking care of him in every way and the boys I didn't want to give that up so I stay in hopes. When he got sick I knew no one else would or could take care of him and not take advantage of him so I felt that through all the yrs I owed him btter than to leave in the mist of that and I would be dead wrong. My mother said you never kick someone when they are down. So I wasn't abou to even though he was wrong. After that I thought everything was getting SOOOOO much better now this. I don't know your mom and god help her she may have endured more than you know and for her reasons but I am not her I'm just me and trust me when I say this. I am what I am allowed to be. Sweet, caring, loving, kind, gentle all those things that a mother, friend, wife, family member and good person wants and chooses to be however when made I am a bitc& without warning but not without cause. What I have plan for this man he cause on his self and I will enjoy ever min of it and repent later.

Sorry so long.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

If he chooses to tell her that he can't leave because I wil not let him see the boys (her mother told me that this morning). REALLY, everyone can read back where I said I would never do that, that he is a great father. I ask him did he really feel that way and he said no he just wanted her to stop asking him to leave me. So if he can drag me and make ppl think that I would do that then he got he wanted even if he might have not wanted it but I plan on giving him every bit of it. You FU&K with the bull and you get the horns. I have every and I do mean every intention of making him understand just what he has brought out of me and the effects of his action. If you don't agree I can understand. And I know what some will say, what will it prove. How will it make things better. Well it won't but it will make me feel better and that is enough for me. I can and will be good if I am allowed and I LOVE being that way. But I DON'T handle betrayal well, espeacially when I have given chance after chance. TO ME LOYALTY counts for everthing. He is draging my name and other than my kids that is all I have and NO ONE FU&KS with either of them!!


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

I wish you all the best sf and a fast resolution.

I'm sorry if I offended you by implying that you were a doormat. 

The main thing I wanted to convey to you is the pain that I felt and still feel as a grown woman that was caused by my father's infidelity and the constant going back and forth and the fighting in my house. My mother was and is a wonderful woman but I still and never will understand why she let my father disrespect her so much over and over again. That has caused me just as much trouble as my dad cheating did. 

If a divorce would have put a stop to it, it would have been much better. 

I am now a middle aged woman who still struggles with those things left over from my childhood and it has affected every aspect of my life and my choices for relationships.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Again SM I'm not offended at all. It's kind of funny really, me, a doormat lol. I ask a few ppl did they think I was a push over or doormat and their although said differently it all came to the same answer, which was differently variations of no. I have actually had to teach myself to be passive over the yrs in order to not seem over bareing or controlling. I won'allow ppl to miss use me and handle with and because I don't I have been called called controlling. I tell them I don't want to control them I just refuse tho allow them to control me.

Anyway, I understand where you are coming from about the kids. My oldest is alot like his Mother, he worries. I see it in his eyes. So I don't want this being something he carries with him through life. Which is why I am taking the steps that I am. As I said I really have is my kids and my name and I don't allow either one to be take miss used and that includes by me. Kids make everything more complicated but in away the simplify them aswell, in some ways.

Thank you for the well wishes.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Hi


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Hope things have improved for you - not him. Sorry my mouth got me banned.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Hope things have improved for you - not him. Sorry my mouth got me banned.


Hi 8yr. I was wondering about you. I thought you got busy with life. Sorry about the banned. I could always use your reasoning and opinion on things. Everything with me is a day by day, moment by moment balancing ACT. And It's a step toward a new direction. So I'm ok. How have you been?


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