# separated, long read



## 265105 (Oct 30, 2016)

edited.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Firstly, establish your legal position with a lawyer.



> Thursday before last she invited me over for a family dinner then asked if I wanted to have sex and spend the night. we laid down in bed and she said it feels like I'm cheating on you with you, you should leave. I thought it was odd,


Yes, that is an odd thing to say.

She might be cheating on you.

Keep an eye on her.


----------



## 265105 (Oct 30, 2016)

edited


----------



## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

It sounds like she's using the iphone through the window to manipulate herself (and others) into thinking you're some kind of monster. They do this, buddy. They'll also neglect to remind themselves (and everyone else) of all the good stuff you did for her and all the crap YOU TOLERATED FROM HER.

Time to get tough. You'll get shared access so no worries. Work on yourself, your house build, be the best dad you can. As soon as she sees you're not desperate to get her back, things will swing in your favor. Then YOU can decide if SHE is worth it.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think you have a ton of personal issues to work out. There's no better way to make your wife feel like crap then to have a panic attack over your ex years after you broke up. 

Your wife has been paying for the sins of your ex for years, dealt with your nasty, overbearing father, and carried you emotionally. That sounds exhausting and terrible for a marriage.

You admit you took her for granted. It sounds like emotionally the entire marriage has been about you and she finally cracked.

Is it possible she was spending money as a coping mechanism?

Feel free to correct anything I've said that's in error.

You need intensive counseling now, regardless of what happens with your wife. Do it for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"she's always been a solid girl and never let me down. I may have lost the one person I can count on."

Careful, there. What about her credit card spending? What did she spend the money on? Why wasn't she on board with saving for a house and getting away from your father?


----------



## tripod (Jun 18, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I think you have a ton of personal issues to work out. There's no better way to make your wife feel like crap then to have a panic attack over your ex years after you broke up.
> 
> Your wife has been paying for the sins of your ex for years, dealt with your nasty, overbearing father, and carried you emotionally. That sounds exhausting and terrible for a marriage.
> 
> ...


She had the panic attack, not him. 

OP, you're better off without a spouse that hits and kicks you, to say nothing of running up a horrendous debt. (Odd that when it's a woman beating on a man, that gets overlooked by some posters. Other way around, some folks scream "abuse.") OP, get a voice activated recorder and carry it with you when you meet her for any reason. It's protection against a false claim of domestic abuse by her. 

Get a lawyer. Get a divorce. Get on with your life.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

tripod said:


> She had the panic attack, not him.
> 
> OP, you're better off without a spouse that hits and kicks you, to say nothing of running up a horrendous debt. (Odd that when it's a woman beating on a man, that gets overlooked by some posters. Other way around, some folks scream "abuse.") OP, get a voice activated recorder and carry it with you when you meet her for any reason. It's protection against a false claim of domestic abuse by her.
> 
> Get a lawyer. Get a divorce. Get on with your life.


He had one near the outer Banks of NC while on vacation with the wife because he'd been there with his ex.

How would you feel if your spouse freaked out over her ex while on vacation with you?

I wouldn't be surprised if she spent as an emotional outlet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

@lifeistooshort might be onto something here about the spending. How 'bout it, OP?


----------



## 265105 (Oct 30, 2016)

edited


----------



## 265105 (Oct 30, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> He had one near the outer Banks of NC while on vacation with the wife because he'd been there with his ex.


she had the panic attack in her SUV after the fight. the beach trip was more of a 7 day "this drive was a lot happier the last time I made it" train of thought. 12 hours in the truck with a crying baby made the racing thoughts never stop. we went with her best friend and I let them go off and do whatever they wanted together and spent most of the week bonding with my son and loved that part of it. 

I waited 9 years to go back there and wanted nothing more to show her that place for the first time. she liked it despite my issues. 

I have read that couples have separated after a baby dealing with less than we are, that's what gives me hope.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Take some parenting classes. Neither one of you seem to know how to deal with a crying child.


----------



## 265105 (Oct 30, 2016)

edited


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Children make noise. Period. Take some parenting classes.


----------



## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I'd say parenting classes, possibly MC and some IC for you is in order here. If after 8 years you are still getting emotional over your ex you aren't over it. 

Also, you mention you are attracted to your wife for being a good mother. What attracted you to her before then? Do you compare her a lot to your ex (inside your head, or even worse to her face?)


----------



## 265105 (Oct 30, 2016)

edited


----------



## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> we saw Rush at the MGM Grand July 25 last year and I was 100% in love with her on that trip. for once the thoughts stopped.


Which implies whether you mean to or not that most of the time you are not 100% in love with her and are usually having thoughts about the ex. 

Which again, I think you need to consider counseling to work on that. Your relationship with your wife will never be on solid ground if she is competing against a ghost for your thoughts and affections. And you seem to be at least somewhat aware that's happening.


----------



## 265105 (Oct 30, 2016)

edited


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

carterbeauford said:


> I think it took this happening to finally put this issue to rest. I thought I was being strong when she reached out to me in 2014. it took a combination of realizing what a true terrible person she was, her committing suicide, and almost losing my wife for it to finally happen. I am embarrassed to admit this but it's reality. I am glad she is out of our lives for good. I am more concerned right now with confirming or denying cheating. I have found several factors that may be evidence for cheating.
> 
> flirting with ex via txt. one said to the other, I forget which one, "good morning sweetheart, how did you sleep?" they went to dinner at least once. she insisted they are just friends. all the great friends she has I don't understand what she needs him for. again, been there, done that, got burned.
> 
> ...


You are coming across as a headless chicken.

You need to continue being a good father to your child.
You need to do what may seem intuitively going against everything you feel or know
Tell your wife, you want to discuss your future. You would prefer to make the marriage work, get MC together and go from there. You have both been through alot.

If your w acts as if she is not committed then

Do the 180 on her
Get legal advice as to what the future holds
If possible use a VAR every time you speak with her
You can do some snooping on her social media accounts or employ a private investigator to dig up any infor on whether she is doing something with the other guy
However, you need IC asap to get your head straight, work on yourself, become a better man.
Act as if you are prepared to lose this marriage


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You should hide a var in her apartment where she is sure to use the phone. It wont take long to find out if shes cheating. Be careful or you may hear more than you can handle. This is assuming you are unwilling to hire a PI.

Shaving below and letting you see it may have been intentional. You should have asked her if it was for you or her ex.


----------



## 265105 (Oct 30, 2016)

edited


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

carterbeauford said:


> we got in an awful fight Sept 23. ........ she called her parents and they all left..........we didn't talk for a couple weeks......this was 5 weeks ago.
> 
> she rented a new apartment in her hometown 30 miles away and has gotten back on her feet.......I didn't expect her to even talk to me let alone see me so I am being very careful.



After your wife left, did you and she discuss possibly get back together? If so, did you establish Rules of Separation? If you did not, then this is the first thing you and your wife need to discuss when you see each other again. 

Unless you BOTH have decided to work on the marriage, then there really is NO marriage. If she's no longer vested in the relationship, then doing things to 'catch' her cheating is frankly a waste of your time. Instead, you should be working on fixing YOUR issues, of which you have plenty. Seek Individual Counseling to get your head on straight. Learn the parenting skills necessary to raise a healthy and productive child. 

I don't like being a Debbie Downer but based on your poor marital history and the fact that she's signed a long term lease on her apartment, it doesn't appear she has any interest in reconciling with you. She's probably getting support from her friends and family to leave you. You'll probably have to be the one to file for divorce pending the results of the reconciliation discussion. Sorry, but I just don't see a positive outcome in all of this.

ETA: Do NOT plant any listening/monitoring devices in her new apartment. It's the equivalent of planting monitoring devices in a stranger's home.


----------



## 265105 (Oct 30, 2016)

edited


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

carterbeauford said:


> she invited me over to her apartment for the first time and said "maybe we can be married again when your dad dies." we established child support payments which I pay faithfully and she lets me see my son in her apartment every weekend. I make $60k, she makes $24k, I have given her $1260 cash or $315 a week for the last month and have been paying the $7500 balance of a debt consolidation loan for her debt. she said she's getting a separation order in OH to legally establish child support and visitation so I can see my son alone. she said the order might actually reduce my child support which I can't understand why she'd want less money. I agreed to $200 a week but have given her more when I have it. she doesn't meet the residency requirements for OH, just moved there 5 weeks ago, still has a PA address. I live in PA. I am gone for work all the time and borderline homeless so I'm curious how an OH court is even going to find me.


It's good to hear that she's actively working on a legal separation order so that your parenting rights are protected but that's not what i meant by Rules of Separation. The most important rule is typically whether or not you're allowed to see other people while living apart. Have you two talked about that?



carterbeauford said:


> I've seen glimmers of hope, she acts like her old self sometimes. made her laugh at dinner the other night. we are both broken people. two broken people can't be together. I'll completely cut her out for 5 weeks till counseling and see how we are both feeling.


I hope you are right and that she is open to reconcile. What are you doing in the meantime to work on your issues? Be productive during the next 5 weeks. Seek the help you need to fix your 'brokenness'.


----------



## 265105 (Oct 30, 2016)

Lila said:


> The most important rule is typically whether or not you're allowed to see other people while living apart. Have you two talked about that?


we never discussed it in a civil manner. it's mostly me making accusations after finding evidence of an affair and her vehemently denying it. I stopped with the accusations. told her I didn't know what her and her ex were up to but I didn't want any part of it. wonder how long until she contacts me.



Lila said:


> What are you doing in the meantime to work on your issues?


tried to focus on myself and went jogging for the first time in a month and broke my ankle. keeping busy weekends clearing my land, getting preapproved for a construction loan and drawing plans. every time I cut down another tree all I could think about was my son's first christmas in the new house next year. keeping busy selling almost everything I own to pay for the new house. I am not one to sit around, but I sit and drive 50-60 hours a week and can think about nothing more than her seeing her ex.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

carterbeauford said:


> we never discussed it in a civil manner. it's mostly me making accusations after finding evidence of an affair and her vehemently denying it. I stopped with the accusations. told her I didn't know what her and her ex were up to but I didn't want any part of it. wonder how long until she contacts me.


I recommend you have this discussion as soon as possible. Be upfront and specific. You'll know exactly where you stand with her depending on her response.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I agree with those who advocate both IC and parenting classes for you!

Given that, I sincerely believe that your W is, and has been, nothing more than a cheating head case, regardless of the unpleasant atmosphere of your prior married living conditions in the company of your toxic dad!

After counseling, you need to make the very hard decision of whether she is worth keeping as a lifelong partner!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Figure out what it is you want. One minute you're telling your wife you want to date others; the next you're trying to find a way to get her out of your life altogether - then you're hoping she'll snap out of it and come to her senses as she has in the past.

Here is a CLUE: if you want to get back together with your wife, do NOT tell her you want to date others. This isn't rocket science.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

See a lawyer. Until you have a source tend separation agreement your liable for her new debts including her apartment I believe.

Most people consider a separation as open season for dating other people. Telling her you were on a dating site told her she was free to date other people too.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When you two showed up at the altar you needed 6 Redcaps to carry all your baggage. Both of you.

I feel sorry for both of you. I recommend divorce. This marriage is a toxic waste dump.

Headaches? Headaches from living in your fathers house? CHECK for carbon monoxide poisoning from a bad water heater, a furnace, nearby machinery, an attached garage.

Get some CO detectors from ACE and place them throughout the house. For now CRACK OPEN THE WINDOWS. 

CRACK and peel off the old, past-life scabs that have never healed properly. Get out into the sun and zap them with ultra-violet rays. 

Good luck, ten-four, out.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sorry but I am not seeing why the hell you want to stay married to her. Number one, you haven't REALLY been in love with her, you were with her to have a good mother for your future children. Number two, she isn't even a partner in the marriage. She was basically stealing money from your savings as YOU were adding to it, trying to build it up for a house. She ran up ridiculous debt, further sabotaging the plans for the future. Number three, she is involved with her ex now, which proves she is not interested in saving the marriage. (plus that two year lease she just signed!) 

If you are building the house for the two of you, Im afraid you are wasting your time.


----------

