# Anxiety over him touching me, why?



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Well, all lab test came back fine so now, I have resorted to trying Wellbutrin. My H is under impression it will 'cure' us. His comment to me.."I wish you would hurry and get yourself under control so I can feel better" then throughs in a little laugh after to make himself feel like he's joking when I know him after 19 years...he's not! I'm in this 'place' that I feel stuck mentally. I hate everything about myself. I miss feeling 'young, alive, desired'. Although H, if I'd allow, would have some type of intimate/sexual...something every single night with me, it doesn't feel the same to me. He always pats my butt which drives me up the wall, grabs my boobs or runs his hands up my sides which sends me into a tizzy! Why? Cuz I feel unattractive. I feel if I allow him to do then I HAVE to follow through..have sex or something. If I allow him to do it, then that makes him feel in his mind, I'm 'better' that I'm not in this lonely place of our marriage still figuring out things.

But, when someone else tells me I look good, nice, attractive, I feel on top of the world! I walk with my head high. Why is that? I do love my H. Hate knowing if we don't make it ever after he will walk away from my daughters life. He's so physical and at least 3 weeks out of the month, I cant stand it. It makes me feel like I'm having a heart attack! He's 51, I'm 40. No it's not hormones got that tested. I'm not pre menapausal supposedly as OB said since periods are still monthly I can't be! What ever! Why do I hate the world? My world? I feel I breath better when I"m alone or just me and my daughter. Yet, we spend weekend together with daughter out of town and I felt fine. Until he took my picture, I looked at it and wanted to cry because all I saw was 160lbs of ugliness! I feel so mental, mentally drained. 

Does Wellbutrin help this seriously? I feel like the worst person on earth with these feelings. I could care less about sexual contact. Contact with my H. Did counseling for 3 months. He quite said it's all up to me now. So, I quit. I should go back for self but don't know who or what kind of counselor to find. Are women better? Do I look for certain degree? Why? Why? Why? That's all I can say anymore.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I'm sorry that I don't have any answers. I wish I did, because this sounds similar to the way my wife, who has filed for divorce, acts tword me. We have no real issues, but it appears that I now make her sick to think of me in the role of a husband. She started by no longer wanting to hold hands or touch. She then got to the point she didn't want to sleep in the same bed with me, then she wanted me out of the house. She was crying and depressed, but was sure my presence was the reason. I'm as puzzled as I have ever been about anything.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

southbound said:


> I'm sorry that I don't have any answers. I wish I did, because this sounds similar to the way my wife, who has filed for divorce, acts tword me. We have no real issues, but it appears that I now make her sick to think of me in the role of a husband. She started by no longer wanting to hold hands or touch. She then got to the point she didn't want to sleep in the same bed with me, then she wanted me out of the house. She was crying and depressed, but was sure my presence was the reason. I'm as puzzled as I have ever been about anything.


Sorry to hear that. He doesn't discust me or anything of that nature. Feel I've been convincing self midlife crises (only 40, he's 51) but according to 'hormonal testing' that's not it. For me, I hate myself. My body, weight gain, etc. I don't like him touching me as I feel gross, unattractive. He doesn't deserve my sexual issues, or lack there of. That is what hurts me most. We have done the counseling thing, I'm now resorting to medication, which I am completely against but agreed to try. I personally feel with age difference, I've just grown differently than him and that truly breaks my heart. He is now turning to religion which bothers me. Not sure why, I grew up with it and I believe in God, heaven and hell. I have my beliefs but now all of a sudden, he is on this mission that we must attend church all the time every Sunday. Without it we won't survive. It truly bothers me. Not sure why. Sorry..got off track. I've not come to point of your wife, asking divorce over the lack of sexual attraction as I do not believe that is the sole purpose to marriage. HOwever, lately, he makes me feel that route it may end up. He starts out in our bed, after about 30 minutes of knowing I'm not feeling sexual, he get's up goes out and sleeps on couch. Uses excuse that TV has more channels (digital cable). I know what his real reason is. Has told me can't stand being that close to me knowing won't get sex. So, I feel for him, sex may be his Key to marriage. It's not for me.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

I wish that I could give you the answers, but I am here looking for answers to these same questions also. I have typed, and retyped and deleted many things that I wanted to say, but this I will keep it simple, but meaningful.

My wife is feeling a lot like you are. You are not alone. You are surrounded by people here who are having the same, or similar experiences. We are here to find the tools to help us to learn how to overcome our depression, anxieties, or stresses, or how to cope. You are a very important person. Do not give up. Keep that spark ignited to help you see through this difficult time. With time and healing, this will eventually pass.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

You guys are on two different playing fields. He thinks things are great and you can't stand the way things are. He doesn't know how you are feeling and you don't know how he is feeling.

If you walked up to your husband right now and asked him "Why do you think I don't want to have sex with you as much anymore?

Would he say:
A. Because you don't feel like you are attractive anymore.
B. Because I'm old and not attractive to you anymore.
C. Because you got counseling but your meds have taken effect yet.
D. Because you hate me.

Try it, I bet his answer will surprise you.

Even if you knew exactly what the problem is that's causing you pain when he touches you or jokes about sex, you couldn't solve it without talking to him about how you're feeling.

What's the easiest way to figure out what's causing you this pain? Go talk to him about how you're feeling. You have something inside you that NEEDS to come out and he NEEDS to hear.

Talk to him. Not argue. Talk.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Wellbutrin does increase sexual desire but it won't work in a person who's primary problem in sexual anxiety. It will only make it worse. And forget the SSRI antidepressants because they will kill what little sex drive you have. Sexual and intimacy anxiety is very, very difficult to fix. I've suffered from it all my sexual life. Long term therapy may help but few therapists will seek out the root cause and will instead seek to treat the symptoms which, if the cause is childhood trauma of any kind, rarely works.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Scary, you sound just like my wife feels about me.

One bit of insight - if I might - If you think he thinks life is great, while you do not, its all an outward appearance. I think my wife would say the same about me - but really, I'm terrified of where this is leading. 

Each of us has a set of expectations when we marry. Oddly enough, I think this is what sinks our marriages. 

What would be interesting is to be able to pick your brain on your point of view - so I can better understand where my wife is at and try to bring this out to get better. Maybe picking my brain (or anyone in same situation like Southbend) will help you. Who knows?


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Dadof3 said:


> Scary, you sound just like my wife feels about me.
> 
> One bit of insight - if I might - If you think he thinks life is great, while you do not, its all an outward appearance. I think my wife would say the same about me - but really, I'm terrified of where this is leading.
> 
> ...


Dadof3, well, I'm not sure what point of view I can give. I'm so mixed with emtions and feelings. He doesn't repulse me by anymeans, which he has made comment he thinks maybe he does as he compares us to another couple he knows that has an age difference (much larger than ours) and I guess the wife has stated her H repulses her. That is not me! I honestly just do not have an sexual desire toward him. At times, and I'm talking once, maybe twice a month, I get the urge to just have flat out sex. No passion, no ravishing give it to me I need it mentality, just sex. Just okay, it's been a while lets do it so I can make you feel better and I get off sex.

I hate that feeling. He doesn't deserve it, I know this. He and our DD want to get new family pictures. I hate pictures. Of me that is. I thought I was doing better but I'm back in the slump. For so many years I've been the toughest critic and beaten myself up emotionally and mentally. So, for suggestions of "just do it" just get up and do it...exercise, get meds, or what ever the suggestions may be, I find no strength or energy. Today, I sit here thinking I've become so comfortable, per say, with accepting disappointment, unhappineess of myself, I feel like a child whose never learned the basics. And, my child, my actual DD, is suffering for it. 

I feel I would be better off alone, not having to worry about anyone else (such as H) not to worry about how I'm hurting him, his feelings, etc. BUT, I DO have to worry about my DD. Why do I think being not being married with make me a better person for her? That truly sounds kind of stupid to me. Partly because I've always felt happiness is with a companion. I grew up with a boyfriend always. For whatever reason, I've felt I cannot be truly happy unless I have a boyfriend/companion, and then when I do, I make them utmost important. 

For what ever reason over last few years, I've realized I never was happy for me. And it's haunting me. Yet, if I did have strength and courage to get out, what would I do? I have no circle of my own friends. Never have. I would be like a child staring over at a new school or new location due to a move. How do I do that? It's become so easy to just be as is. It's tearing me down and apart at the seams. I like to sit with H and cuddle, I like our drives sometimes with our DD running around, I like going to grociery with him, etc. But, that's it. I've not kissed him passionately for a few years. I give him the normal peck on lips when come home. It's almost as if habit more than need or want. He's very physical and deserves that physical connection.

He has 'backed off' to try and give me space. He says he't practicing patience but he feels like a ghost in our marriage. I hate he feels that way. He finds me beautiful, say's I'm hot at times. I slough it off to he say's it becuase I'm his wife. Habit. He swears he means it. And, he probably does. But why then does it mean nothing to me? I feel like a very selfish and down right b**ch of a woman. I truly am not and never have been. But my actions, thoughts and feelings show otherwise.


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