# Should I gear up for round two?



## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

After much heartache I urged my wife to get a better job to help her improve herself. To feel better about her career is important. So she did get what she wanted to start into and I am happy for her until I found out some disturbing info. Now the last affair was with a coworker. Some of you know the hell I went through. Many think I should have ended it. Her new job is with a storage facility company that she will be helping to manage. There are two facilities and she works at both during the week managing and selling storage units. My issue is both have apartments with each having a single man as the live in manager. I want to say something but I need to show her that I trust her. I am freaking out internally. Should I just get ready for round two?


----------



## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

It matters little if she sleeps with those men if you don't trust her. Without trust your marriage is doomed.

It's important to do the right thing, and look like you're doing the right thing.

If you cannot trust her, consider divorce.


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Augusto said:


> After much heartache I urged my wife to get a better job to help her improve herself. To feel better about her career is important. So she did get what she wanted to start into and I am happy for her until I found out some disturbing info. Now the last affair was with a coworker. Some of you know the hell I went through. Many think I should have ended it. Her new job is with a storage facility company that she will be helping to manage. There are two facilities and she works at both during the week managing and selling storage units. My issue is both have apartments with each having a single man as the live in manager. I want to say something but I need to show her that I trust her. I am freaking out internally. Should I just get ready for round two?


You do not need to show you trust her, she needs to show she can be trusted. This is a bad idea.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Well, if she does, you really can't say your surprised. Trust is never going to be what it once was.

You know the facts, given a circumstance, nearly anyone can cheat.

How are her boundaries skills?

Even if I suggest that you trust her, you fully don't.

You know she is capable of it.

That is what happens once the trust is broken, you are never sure again.

Even if someone you trusted, told you to trust her, subconsciously, you won't.

There will always be a certain amount of doubt.


----------



## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

I think I will just let it play out. Perhaps I am just being overcautious and a bit carried away.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Given her past indiscretion you have every right not to trust her. If it really bothers you that much i suggest some discreet monitoring on your behalf.

VAR her car and check her phone and Phone / bill etc. If she uses a computer put a key logger on it


----------



## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Be honest with her. How else is she going to know how you feel? Express your feelings in a calm, non -judgemental way and if she is truly remorseful she will understand where you are coming from and give you sincere reassurance. That is what is called "heavy lifting "and she should be willing to do it. If not or if your gut tells you her reaction is off then I would be very cautious and vigilant.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

"Should I gear up for round two?"

Your thread title speaks volumes. Like you're expecting it to happen again(and for good reason).

Might I suggest that you get ahead of the curve and change the title to "Here we go again".

I guess the only good thing that will come out of her new work situation is, after you set the VARs, GPS and monitoring app's, you'll find out first hand and for sure if she was really on board with the R.

Give her the "rope". She'll either follow it back home, or noose her own neck with it.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

It could be worse my man. What if she got a job on a military base. Be prepared to spend the next several years looking over your shoulder; or rather looking under the seat for the VAR you left.


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Most of us told yoou to kick her out and rebuild your life, she never choosed you you never were plan A, you know that she wanted to be with the other guy and like he rejected her she went on damage control.

Well these are the consequences of all of that, of course she is not trustworthy, of course there si a big possibility that she feels she can still find someone "better for her", those are the repercusions of staying with the WS under your conditions.

your fears are normal and are not going to dissapear, you are going to live in a paranoia state as long as she is around other men by herself, I guess the best advice for you here (given that you are not going to leave her) is being honest about your current feelings with her and explaining how insecure you feel to see if she try to help you by taking actions that show her commitment


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

From your original post:



Augusto said:


> About 9 months ago my wife told me she kissed a man. I was destroyed. I loved this woman with every breath of my being. I was heart broken after she told me. But little did I know how deep the rabbit hole goes. *Turns out she and a coworker had sexual encounters and she was even ready to leave me*. She wrote him things that she wanted to do with him that I never heard after 12 years of marriage. She would lie to me saying she would go be with a girlfriend when instead *she would go to his place when his wife would not be there*. My wife *actually removed his wife's image from her coworkers wedding photo and inserted herself into it via photoshop*. She even played with fonts of her first name and his last name on the computer. *I read in her journal that she wished I would die so she could be free to be with the other man*. She basically fell out of love with me and I am still destroyed and though she is willing to do anything to repair the damage, I am still a wreck. I go to work feeling like garbage. I come home feeling like garbage. I see images of her and him at least 3 times every hour. I have nightmares about it. She is trying so hard to repair but I have changed so much that I do not know who I am anymore. I feel like I am too damaged and she should move on. I have seen a shrink and we had counselling as well but they did nothing to repair my heart or make me feel any better. I feel like a shadow of my former self of who I used to be. One shrink told me that because of how much I cared for her, it not only hurts that much worse but it will take 3-5 years for me to fully recover if I ever do. I love my wife but not the same as I once did. I do not know how to explain it. I do not look upon her the same as I once did. I do not adore her as much as I once did. I want to but something stops me. I have had times where I thought I have let it go but the rage builds and builds. I sometimes just want to crawl into a hole and die. I feel like this big walking corpse that basically has me feeling abandoned though she is wanting to make things right. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. At times I tell her that she should leave me for him if she wanted him so badly. I am so worn out from feeling this way. The real deal is he cut her off. He decided to stay with his wife and I feel like 2nd best. Like I am the "plan B" or the default....if it doesn't work out with the other man, i still have my husband kind of thing. One shrink I saw said he believes I have a stress disorder. I feel like I am in pieces. My wife said she misses the "old me". But she built him. And she also destroyed him. *The only reason I am still home is I still love my wife and though not the same as it once was, we have 4 children together and I have a job to do in raising them with as much love as I can muster*. Is this normal to feel this way? I feel like my wife is trying to reassemble a broken vase but more and more pieces show up daily. She hates herself for her decisions and what it has caused me to feel.


Considering your story, its understandable that you feel this way. There's only one other story here where the cheater wished their BS was dead.

And this WW of yours was ready to leave you and your 4 children to be with the OM. Then you found out that the ONLY reason she didn't was because OM dumped her because he wouldn't leave his wife.

You're plan B and you know it, that's why it's eating at you and causing resentment. This resentment is adding to the lack of trust in her. You feel you're only in the marriage because of the 4 kids. It's no wonder that even after 2 years, you haven't healed all that much.

What has she been doing to rebuild trust with you? You should sit her down and lay down boundaries when it comes to this job of hers. The most important one is that she be completely transparent (complete access to everything) and she had better be in contact with you all the time, like when she is leaving there, what time she will be home, etc. 

On your end, follow the advice above about a VAR, etc. 

Personally, I think after reading your threads, it seems like you're forcing yourself to R.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Seriously, OP, you need to divorce her. Take back your own life and start again. From your first visit to TAM, you know that she doesn't really love you and is only marking time , until somebody "better" comes along, and you are enabling her to do so. This new job isn't the problem, the problem is your marriage is bad. No amount of electronic spying will make it better. Time to grow up and be an adult, and do what is best for YOU.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Augusto, I give you credit for trying to stick it out, for your kids' sake. Especially after reading the post that just got quoted above. I don't think I could ever look at her again after reading those hurtful things. I won't get into why you stayed with her, I'm sure the folks here debated that with you ad nauseum at the time.

For your own sanity, instead of gearing up for round 2, you try to detach yourself from her as best you can detach from a spouse. Maybe she will be a perfect spouse going forward who knows. Treat her like a roommate. Live your own life. Because in my worthless opnion, it's just a matter of time before she decides to see someone else on the side. It may have nothing to do with the new job, it may be some random dude.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
One of two things will happen. She will either cheat or she wont. Your worrying yourself sick about which will happen is counterproductive since one will happen. The best you can do is have a plan in place so that if she does cheat again you are not caught blindsided and are as ready as anyone can be to move forward. If your intel proves no infidelity then great if not, then you have a plan ready to implement. Good luck sir.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

If she is a betrayer then I have no problems saying to closely monitor her. Whatever it takes...


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Augusto said:


> I think I will just let it play out. Perhaps I am just being overcautious and a bit carried away.


Such is the life of a BS in R. The reality is that there are only so many boundaries that are within reason. You can insist that she honor those, but you can't isolate her from everything in the real world. Chances are with most jobs, she'll be working with and around men.

I agree with the other poster who said you should talk with her and let her know your concerns. I would add that you also tell her that, despite those concerns, you feel you have to trust her.

Perhaps, some day you will be more philosophical about this like I am; and say to yourself "If she going to cheat again, she's just going to cheat. I won't worry myself to death over it. But if she does, I'm better prepared to catch her this time".


----------



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

you've already made the decision to stay with her, so yes, you'll always have to worry about her cheating on you. She's 'easy' pickings for next dude that wants a little side action and doesn't care about your marriage. She's already jumped over that mental hurdle that keeps good spouses faithful.

what the alternative though? have her get a job at an all-girls school, or an abby? she'll always be around other men, no matter where she works.

monitor, watch for red flags, etc


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Many years ago I had a friend who's Wife was very easy on the eyes. Unfortunately for him, she became just plain easy when she got too drunk.

For extra money(they did need the money) she got a bat tending job about an 1/8th of a mile from his house. I would be there on a Friday/Saturday night often. He would tell me that he had to run to the store. Asked if I'd mind staying(they had 3 kids).

This went on for months, then one night he didn't come back for almost an hour. When he finally walked in the door, he said I'll be back in a minute, I need to make a phone call then went to use a phone upstairs. I couldn't here hear what he was saying, but I could tell by the tone in his voice that it was not good.

When he came back down, he apologized but he needed me gone before his Wife came home from bar tending.

It turns out that his Wife was getting blackout dunk, then getting nailed by guys in the parking lot. She walked to and from the bar, so it would happen in the guy's car.

Apparently he got word of this and started checking the parking lot after her shift ended at 11:00pm(Bar closed at 1:00am). When he walked through the parking lot that night, he noticed a pickup truck with fogged up windows. When he got closer he could obviously hear that they were having sex. He ripped the door open and shined a flashlight in. I never found out what was said, but his call upstairs that night was to this guys Wife, to let her know what he just saw.

I found out later that when this guy got home that night, his Wife of one year had thrown all his close on the front lawn. Dead bolted the doors and filed for divorce the following Monday.

My friend how ever continued to play cat and mouse with his WS's cheating games. For two decades! About 10 years ago, him and I lost touch and we haven't spoken since. I've heard through the grape vine about him continuing to warden his Wife. Driving her to work, so HE'd be sure she came straight home. Popping into where she worked sporadically and so on.

Through it all, he stayed. For 28 years, he stayed.

I found out two months ago that he was diagnosed with cancer and that the prognosis didn't look good.


Everyone want's to be loved. Everyone want's to be happy. After a while of feeling, realizing that your aren't either, you really need to decide if moving on would give you a better chance at both...

Now that my friend is surely pondering his own mortality, you know he has to also be wondering how things may have turned out had he just D'd way back when and started over...


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> If she is a betrayer then I have no problems saying to closely monitor her. Whatever it takes...


If she is a proven betrayer, then what more does the OP need to know? He already has the info he requires, what he lacks is the will to use it.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Many years ago I had a friend who's Wife was very easy on the eyes. Unfortunately for him, she became just plain easy when she got too drunk.
> 
> For extra money(they did need the money) she got a bat tending job about an 1/8th of a mile from his house. I would be there on a Friday/Saturday night often. He would tell me that he had to run to the store. Asked if I'd mind staying(they had 3 kids).
> 
> ...


Being a jailer, instead of a husband is a sorry way to live.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Augusto said:


> Should I just get ready for round two?


Yes get ready for round 2.

You never resolved anything from round 1 other than she clarifed that she wanted you to DIE so she could be with the other man.

Question is, what will happen when you find out she's been with yet another man?

In other words, how quickly will you forgive her again?


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Round two, 

Let's get things straight for reference:
OM #2 in Apt #1. And 
OM #3 in Apt #2.

Her problem is not you, but which OM she will pick. Maybe they will all get together for a party. One never knows...


----------



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Yes get ready for round 2.
> 
> You never resolved anything from round 1 other than she clarifed that she wanted you to DIE so she could be with the other man.
> 
> ...


I'd be worried she'll find a guy willing to make her wish come true! then the poor Widow Augusto and her new BF will have a nice house and a stack of life insurance money.


----------



## mr.bunbury (Oct 20, 2014)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Many years ago I had a friend who's Wife was very easy on the eyes. Unfortunately for him, she became just plain easy when she got too drunk.
> 
> For extra money(they did need the money) she got a bat tending job about an 1/8th of a mile from his house. I would be there on a Friday/Saturday night often. He would tell me that he had to run to the store. Asked if I'd mind staying(they had 3 kids).
> 
> ...


This is a very good example on why a man ought to bail out if he suspects his woman might be cheating on him. If one stays after that he's bound to look like the bad guy who is keeping his wife from having fun and unfortunately people tend to side with the wife on the issue. I have seen it happen too.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Waiting for the other shoe to fall is horrible.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

You don't wait for the other shoe to fall. You use it to kick their azz. A man is a fool if he thinks his ubiquitous love for her is somehow the magic it takes to set things right. Its how much she loves him that causes her to keep her panties on when around other men. That's the chastity belt. Make no mistake about it.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

mr.bunbury said:


> This is a very good example on why a man ought to bail out if he suspects his woman might be cheating on him. If one stays after that he's bound to look like the bad guy who is keeping his wife from having fun and unfortunately people tend to side with the wife on the issue. I have seen it happen too.


I think his main problem was when him and his Wife were dating, she was a few notches higher in the sex rank department. When she was pregnant with their first child, he gained weight right along with her. After the birth, she lost the extra pounds, he didn't. This happened two more time, from the next two kids. She lost it, he didn't.

I ran into her about 5 years ago and she still looks great. My Daughter saw him picking his Son up at a school dance around the same time. She said that he was heavier than ever.

He's been afraid to threaten D because he knows he'll never land another woman as pretty as she it. And when she's stone sober, she's fine. Add too much alcohol and it's ankles away.

She even hit on me a few times over the years I was hanging around with her Husband. I told him and he shrugged it off. He said something to the effect of "At least I know you". I thought to myself... Wow.

I always felt bad for him, but it's living a life of his own choosing. We unfortunately see it here all the time now.


----------



## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

some good news.....one of the locations the man is gay with his gay husband living with him.


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Augusto said:


> some good news.....one of the locations the man is gay with his gay husband living with him.


Dude, I don't want to sound cruel but, do you realize how sad is that you have to feel relieved that your wife is not around straight men?, men are not the enemy, if she is going to cheat is not going to be for the amount of availble men at her reach, she is going to cheat because she wants to cheat.

I understand why that new make you feel better, but you have to realize that the problem is not the other guys but your wife, or are you going to get worried everytime a new hiring goes in the company?


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Should I gear up for round two?

Come on, OP feigns ignorance yet that's his title. People get wound up.


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Read through your posts and different threads and I'm hoping its a little easier on the mind than it was the other
year as time is the only thing that helps it get a little dimmer I.M.O.

How is her new job panning out ?
Hopefully you keep monitoring from time to time


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Augusto you are a great guy and father and I am truly sorry that you are here. I have also told you this before and am about to tell you again - even though I know how much you love her (but cannot think why).

Your wife is one of the most vile, evil cheating spouses I have ever encountered/read about. As a reminder:


She fvcked the POSOM with your baby in her womb.


She lied to you saying she loved you without batting an eyelid while she went off to fvck the POSOM. This was just the start of the large number of disrespectful things she did.


She wanted you and your kids dead so that she could be with the POSOM.


She used your gifts to her to enable her affair (phones etc).


She found him insanely attractive and definitely more attractive than you, physically, emotionally and in the sack.


She would happily leave you if he said yes. She was definitely the aggressor and got angry with POSOM when he said he wanted to be a better father and call the affair off.


She cut out the OW's pics from their wedding pics and replaced it with hers.


She has shown no real remorse going as far as to demand that you do not come to TAM anymore.

And you are still with her ???????? This is never going to go away. The title of this thread should tell you all you need to know. It's like others can see just how ugly she is yet you see her through rose tinted love goggles and sleep next to her every night believing her to be beautiful. And we all are just waiting for her to jump on you and rip you to shreds again (like in a horror movie). Take care and please wake up.


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

This is going to sound a little cold, but at some point I lose sympathy for a guy. This woman might as well have scrawled "I AM NOT WORTH BEING MARRIED TO" on their front door in her own blood -- she's completely without morals and crazy too. When a guy stays through something like this, I can only think there's some part of him that needs to be a victim, even the thread title makes it sound like that's the case. The kids aren't a good reason to stay with a person who wishes you were dead -- what kind of life does a marriage like that give your kids? Maybe they'd be better off seeing their father respect himself.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Only thing she is good for right now is walking the streets with a $$ sign hanging from her caboose! She honestly sounds unstable. Get full custody and in witness protection.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. If you want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder always wondering if she's doing what she say she's doing. If she with who she says she's with, is she where she says she is then your on your way. Truth be told, that ain't much of a life and all your doing is short changing yourself. 

I sure as hell wouldn't live like that.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

I think that you all are wasting you collective, virtual, breath here.

I got the feeling right from the beginning that the OP would never willingly leave his cheating wife. I think if he actually caught her in bed with one of her OM's, all she'd have to do is promise to stop and he'd give her yet another chance.

And from what he's written about her on her so far, I'd bet the farm that she'll do it again(if she hasn't already).

Sad.


----------



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

badmemory said:


> Such is the life of a BS in R. The reality is that there are only so many boundaries that are within reason. You can insist that she honor those, but you can't isolate her from everything in the real world. Chances are with most jobs, she'll be working with and around men.
> 
> I agree with the other poster who said you should talk with her and let her know your concerns. I would add that you also tell her that, despite those concerns, you feel you have to trust her.
> 
> Perhaps, some day you will be more philosophical about this like I am; and say to yourself "If she going to cheat again, she's just going to cheat. I won't worry myself to death over it. But if she does, I'm better prepared to catch her this time".


Right. If you can't have a frank, open discussion about your concerns, it's not a relationship is it.

Work on yourself mate. It is unhealthy to need a woman's approval to feel safe and happy. I should know.


----------



## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

Augusto said:


> After much heartache I urged my wife to get a better job to help her improve herself. To feel better about her career is important. So she did get what she wanted to start into and I am happy for her until I found out some disturbing info. Now the last affair was with a coworker. Some of you know the hell I went through. Many think I should have ended it. Her new job is with a storage facility company that she will be helping to manage. There are two facilities and she works at both during the week managing and selling storage units. My issue is both have apartments with each having a single man as the live in manager. I want to say something but I need to show her that I trust her. I am freaking out internally. Should I just get ready for round two?


Considering her past she should not even consider taking a job with the situation you described. If she would even consider it then she has learned nothing and is not reformed.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I think that you all are wasting you collective, virtual, breath here.
> 
> I got the feeling right from the beginning that the OP would never willingly leave his cheating wife. I think if he actually caught her in bed with one of her OM's, all she'd have to do is promise to stop and he'd give her yet another chance.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

It is.


----------

