# Engaged To An Amazing Girl ~ Looking For Advice ~ LONG Story



## MarketingGuru (Sep 23, 2010)

Please Bare with me as this may get quite lengthy, there's a lot on my plate right now and need any help no matter how small. We're also still young, i know this. If anyone senses maturity issues, please just say it. I'm willing to do anything at this point and wish i had the money for some couples counceling




Hi, My name is Chris and I'm a 22 year old marketing analyst. 
I'm an extremely easy going laid back guy. I dont have a temper, could care less when someone decides to cut me off in the fast lane of the highway. I dont cry a lot and have always kept most of my emotions inside. why? i couldnt tell you. I'm not good at conveying how i feel to people. its easier for me to hide these things and though they may take longer i do get over them. 

I've just moved in with my fiancé and our puppy. I've known her since middle school, though at our age it wasn't that long ago. Though I'm young I've pretty much always been in a relationship. I dated my first real girlfriend for 5 years starting when we were 15. I lived with her for a year, dated a couple girls very casually in between re-meeting my fiancé in July of 2009. 

We reconnected via Facebook, caught a movie to catch up and pretty much have been in love ever since. I've never felt so in love with someone ever. I've never cared so much about someone else's well being and happiness even over my own. 

I'm admittedly stubborn and self sufficient almost to a fault. I rarely need help and rarely ask for it when i do. This spans from simple house chores and car maintenance to emotional or financial. I do not ask for help. I may have been unlucky in past in asking the wrong people where the outcome was, i could have just done it myself and everything would have been fine.

My fiancé is the same way literally, though i'm not sure this is even a problem for us. However She does have a bit of a temper when she drinks. We've only gone out to have some fun with friends where alcohol was involved a few times together. All of which have ended disastrously. She yells and screams, even punched a guy in a bar, though he deserved it, this is something that i just cant get past. The biggest and possible route of the majority of our current problems comes from a DUI she acquired in January. She got into her suv after having drinks with some friends at around 2 a.m. january 15'th 2010. She called me just before getting into her truck. I begged and pleaded that she not drive, i was even literally driving to her, not even knowing exactly where she was, only a rough estimate. She got more and more angry as she always did when she'd been drinking. I had asked her for a right from a local bar earlier in the week. We had been txt'ing the entire time i was there. i missed her and she seemed to have missed me. I asked her to drive me instead of my friends who were already there, heading my way, and sober. The last words she spoke to me before totaling her vehicle, a parked vehicle, and destroying a street sign were. "I'm not you, I dont need a ride". She was charged with a felony dui and BAC of .23%. Let me say when she is not drinking, she is not that person at all, nice, friendly, intelligent, respectful, lovable, talented. I've always told her i have a list 100 pages long of things i love about her and in truth i believe i could come up with more.

At this point I'm not sure what to do. I stop driving because i figure she is and i don't know exactly where to go anyways. after not hearing from her for 45mins i begin to call the police station and intake numbers for the local womans and county holding facilities. Nothing. 

They ended up spelling her last name wrong which is why i couldn't find her. She finally called my home phone collect around 4a.m. Screaming about it being my fault. She never wants to see me again. etc. etc. She is obviously still drunk so i do my best to console her, she wont get another call, so i make the drive from my house to her mom' house cell in hand, listening to her cry and scream and sometimes apologize. Her and her mom don't have the greatest relationship as her Dad Died about 8 years ago, and her brother is autistic requiring a lot of attention. Her mom posted her bail but refused to pick her up. I definitely didn't mind picking her up.

I comforted her and held her for what seemed like 3 days straight. she cried and cried, apologized time and time again. I forgave her each and every time and promised her that people make mistakes and that i would not leave her over this but that it needs to be a learning experience.

Now she lost her license, has mandatory dui and alcoholics anonymous education classes, she also got served with 9 days of public work service on top of her lawyer fees and insurance fees for both vehicles and no chance of a restricted license, despite the fact that she has to work, finish her last year at a state college, and find a way to all of the meetings.

I have no problem taking on the responsibility. I love being the helpful one especially in a time of need rather than want. And especially for her. I work 7:30am - 6:00pm Mon.- Fri. This makes it hard. She has since got a job at Starbucks which allows her to start work at 4a.m. and works her first love of cheffing for a catering company on the weekends. She starts school at 8 but i just drop her on my way to work, luckily its near by at around 6:45 - 7.

Little did i know how much work this would be. Driving from place to place, when she needs something from the store, needs to pick up a paycheck, needs to get a new school book or supplies on top of all the classes, work, etc etc on top of my own job. I've always been the kind of guy that rushes to open every door and offered to pay for every meal. Brought flowers for no reason at all other than wanting to make her feel special. Which i believe she is. 

I'm finding it harder and harder to find any desire to do any of these little gestures not because i feel different about her but its so hard to juggle everything else which are in short, necessities, she has to get to work to pay these bills off, i have to get to work to pay our rent and utilities. 

We are currently arguing about a lot, all little things that i really couldn't care less about in the long run especially when compared to having her with me or happy. Such as what we eat for dinner, Our hypothetical career goals for the future, the arrangement of our living room furniture etc. all little things. She notices I'm seemingly more and more unhappy, i don't ask how she is as often or run in the door to say hello like i used to. I realize this and am not sure how to continue. Right now we're currently arguing, me at work, her at school. We are definitely finally at our first real crossroads. I'd hate to lay blame on her or her actions for the failure of our relationship. Maybe that isn't it.
She hates how unhappy i seem and i cant seem to come up with a solution. 

Any help, insight, or hint at a possible thought. I'd love to hear your opinions. Do not be afraid to hurt my feelings, i'm glad to offer more info as well.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Your relationship dynamics are a lot like my own with my husband. We met when we were 21 and now were 28. I am the fire and he is the ice. He calms me and brings a lot of stability to the marriage while I bring the excitement & often times temper/chaos. These two work well together surprisingly... you admire the wild & outgoing ways about her - theres probably never a dull moment. She is attracted to your classic chivalry, care and genuine mellow compassion you bring into her life. 
Now with regards to age... I dont agree with people that say "youre too young" in MOST instances. She does sound a tad immature & irresponsible still.. two factors that may hinder her chances of being a happy and supportive wife to you. If you both get married right now then theres a chance that her irresponsible side may permanently resignate itself into your married life together. I believe there's a bit of adolescent wildness we all get out in our early 20s or sometimes later. Shes basically having a good time right now at the expense of you and others lives that are affected by her wreckless behavior. Because you love her so much you are pushed into the enabler role with your sympathy & compassion. Its unfair for you because she can prevent this damage. 
I dont know what her family life was like but I am sure her alcoholism is probably stemed from the loss of her father and heredity if she has drunks in the family. She may disregard her drinking as innocent partying and think she is in control mistakenly. Now is the time for someone she respects the most to alert her that shes off track. Now I dont think this is a good role for you the fiance to take... afterall youre supposed to be her lover and not her father. Is there someone you can warrant assistance from in talking to her? someone she looks up to? 
If not then its going to be hard but you will need to practice some tough love. Tell her if se cant get her drinking and temper under control then you cant marry her because you dont want to spend your life worried sick about her safety. Let her know that you want her to have fun and enjoy herself but not at the cost of making you worry. 
Also- booze has a jeckyl & hyde effect on some people as it sounds like with her. Maybe play that angle and tell her that shes the most beautiful, fun and amazing woman in the room without using booze. Be honest about how you feel about her... let her know u respect her choice to drink but ask her if u can both come up with a compromise if she cant give it up completely... a compromise that entails responsible drinking with a dd no exceptions!! Express your greatest fear is her getting in the car one night and not having a quick enuf reaction to someone else driving horribly... that way she doesnt always seem like the one on the hot seat. 
Explore her emotional issues & needs... with more fulfillment and happiness perhaps the less desire she will have to drink. Her anger explosions come from bottling so help her find relaxing ways to get that out! 
Now with marriage: my advice would be to make sure youre both willing to put forth 150% effort & teamwork. At this point you both have resentments about her behavior. Tell her youll back off her and learn to trust if she makes an honest effort to see that behind your nagging is genuine concern & love for your future bride. 
Lastly- counselors have sliding pay scales and u guys can find one for as little as 55 per hour. Wouldnt hurt to do some premarital work together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

.23 is waaaaaaaay drunk and exceeds DUI in my state by almost 300%. It shows incredibly poor judgment. The arrangement of the living room furniture or the inconvenience of taxiing her around are the least of your problems. You hate to lay blame on her? Ok. Don't blame her. Yours wouldn't be the first relationship ruined by alcohol abuse. Marriages and families are torn apart every day over the stuff. Your story could have just as easily included her hitting an innocent party and the burial of someone's wife, husband, or child. Just dumb luck that it didn't happen...this time. 
Imagine how much more fun this event would have been if this were your wife and not your girlfriend. Maybe the mother of your two small children. It was your jointly owned vehicle that was crashed. It was half of your household income that disappeared because she was fired or too injured to work. You had to spend rent or baby food money on bail and lawyers. 
Every time you have gone out with her when alcohol is present, it ends badly. See a pattern? If her alcoholism didn't cause you to have serious reservations, I'd have to question your intelligence. If you have intentions of linking permanently with another human being and perhaps creating little life forms with her, it'd be handy for you to pick someone with good judgment and free of addictions.
When she's driving around drunk with your kids or supervising your babies intoxicated, she's not going to seem all that amazing. When you're talking about her 8th DUI instead of her 1st, a lot of the magic is going to wear off.


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## MarketingGuru (Sep 23, 2010)

Thank You Both for your replies!!
you're definitely both right

I've already put the marriage on hold until she can prove she's changing her ways. This means completing her courses and other mandatory obligations concerning the dui. Saving for a new car, and of course not repeating any of the previous drinking problems we've endured. Though even then i'm not sure i could feel the same way i did about her...as sad as it is..

I'm not sure where to go from here though. It's hard to not hold any kind of resentment for her and the decisions she's made. It's also hard to keep bringing it up because i know it hurts her feelings and in truth we've talked about it many times and she talks about it every Thursday in group. 

I think we can all agree most arguments start with one person or the other bringing up what they're mad, upset, sad, confused about. The current being her being upset that i'm un-affectionate, cold, and uncaring towards her. 3 words i never thought i'd here to describe myself. I know this needs to be talked out.


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