# First post - considering separation



## Trakeveth (Aug 20, 2010)

Hi everyone. This is my very first post in this forum. I am looking for feedback about my marriage situation to try to help me decide whether or not separation is right for me.

My husband and I have been married 14 years. We have a 10 year old son. We have had our ups and downs since our son was born. The downs all involve him staying out too late (sometimes all night long) and drinking to much with his friends while I am home alone with our son.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband very much. When things are good they are really good, but there is always a "next time" with regard to his over-indulgences. He knows for absolutely certain how his lack of moderation and responsibility makes me feel. I have been telling him for 10 years. I have told him that when he does it anyway (despite knowing how I feel about it) and feels like he is saying to me "I don't give a crap about your feelings."

He had another over-indulgence episode just a couple of days ago except this time, not only did he stay out all night long but the next morning he turned his cell phone off and spent the entire day hanging out at his friend's house, nursing his hangover and "chilling" on the front porch, talking and enjoying the company of his friends.

That, to me, is a blatant statement.

When he finally called me at 2:30 the next afternoon and I asked him to please come home, he agreed reluctantly, but he did come home and gave me a half-arsed apology and just expects it to now be over.

I have tried to explain to him that I need more from him. There is absolutely no reason for me to believe that this will never happen again. I am at my wits end and I told him that the next time he does this I will not be here when he gets home. He tells me that he understands and that it won't happen again, but I don't believe him and he can't give me any more than that because he has trouble communicating. 

In uncomfortable situations like this he clams up and physically cannot find words to say....which leaves me feeling an emotional void because I need those words from him.

I have been seeing a counselor for a few months now. So far he has not come with me although I have asked him to a number of times. He says that if he can't talk to me he sure as heck won't be able to talk to a stranger. I think that is a cop out. He has to at least show me that he wants to try.

His lack of communication and occasional over-indulgences in "the single life" are the only two problems I have with our marriage. Heck, the communication thing probably wouldn't even be an issue if I could just get him to have some moderation with regard to his drinking and hanging out - because then there would be really nothing negative to discuss! 

Any thoughts on where I should go from here?


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Have you looked into Al-Anon?

Sounds to me like he needs to stop drinking before the two of you could ever truly work on your marriage.

I'm mostly against separation. I was warned when I first started posting that it almost always leads to divorce. We signed a six month lease - nearly 9 months ago - and she's still not home and likely never will be.

Most of the people here are dealing with emotional or physical affairs - or have drifted apart and aren't getting their needs met.

You are dealing with an alcoholic. There are millions of other people going through this. Keep your eye on this post - maybe someone will be able to relate. But I'm guessing you could find plenty of other boards with people going through almost exactly the same thing as you.

Sorry - and good luck.


----------

