# To those that have started to reconcile, what are signs?



## Agast84

My w and I have been separated for over a year and live in different houses. She has gone from ILBINILWY,I have though about it but no,"I love you but we didn't work the first time" and various other cliche phrases( as have I, but I was trying to move on). I am sure most people have been through this that have made it to reconciliation. My question is are there signs that she will consider this or be open to it? I have started to change my interactions with her this week and will continue to do so.
I doubt there is a chance as everything I have done or attempted leads to her being angry, wanting to be friends, or her(&me) crying. I am slowly heading to the D. I will not let her keep me for comfort or security(emotional or other) when I get little out of her.


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## bandit.45

You can't make someone love you bro. I know its hard, but you need to make a decision for your own well being and sanity.


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## Agast84

bandit.45 said:


> You can't make someone love you bro. I know its hard, but you need to make a decision for your own well being and sanity.


:iagree:
Bandit, I am making the choice. I am mostly wondering, regardless of how confused the post sounds. I am tired if this life, no more. I know what I need to do.


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## calvin

Agast84,I am very sorry for what you going through,it hurts.Keep up with the 180,do not cry or show any weakness around her,let her see youre prepared to move on,dont waver.Keep this up and you may start to notice some doubts she may start having,they maybe subtle but if you pay close attetion you'll pick up on any second thoughts she maybe having.If you notice her showing any interest in a R, stick with the 180,it should make her think what life is going to be with out you.Stay strong and be patient.I wish you the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Yes. Someone needs to take the lead in this separation, and as the husband it should be you. She is stringing you along and giving you juuuuust enough hope to keep you hooked to her. You are her safety net, her fallback.

Don't sell your future so cheaply. Get the divorce wheels rolling, have her served, and be amicable and cordial with her throughout the process, even when she says hurtful things to get a rise out of you. Be the man she wants to be with. The divorce can always be called off if she decides to quit being silly and actually work on the relationship. 

Up to now it has all been talk, talk, talk. Well, how has that worked out for you? Time for action.


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## bandit.45

Oh, and list your house. Seeing a FOR SALE sign out front will also send her a clear message that you are moving on. 

Back when I was a realtor back in the 90s, I listed a house for this guy. He and his wife were splitting up and they had a very similar arrangement to what you and your wife have. They owned a rental house down the block that she had moved into.

Well when she saw my sign out front of their house, I guess it must have made her panic. Two weeks later she moved back in and he asked me to suspend the listing.

I ended up selling their rental instead!


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## Agast84

bandit.45 said:


> Yes. Someone needs to take the lead in this separation, and as the husband it should be you. She is stringing you along and giving you juuuuust enough hope to keep you hooked to her. You are her safety net, her fallback.
> 
> Don't sell your future so cheaply. Get the divorce wheels rolling, have her served, and be amicable and cordial with her throughout the process, even when she says hurtful things to get a rise out of you. Be the man she wants to be with. The divorce can always be called off if she decides to quit being silly and actually work on the relationship.
> 
> Up to now it has all been talk, talk, talk. Well, how has that worked out for you? Time for action.


True,I agree. Sadly, as far as the house idea goes, we were renters.


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## Jayb

Agast84 said:


> My w and I have been separated for over a year and live in different houses. She has gone from ILBINILWY,I have though about it but no,"I love you but we didn't work the first time" and various other cliche phrases( as have I, but I was trying to move on). I am sure most people have been through this that have made it to reconciliation. My question is are there signs that she will consider this or be open to it? I have started to change my interactions with her this week and will continue to do so.
> I doubt there is a chance as everything I have done or attempted leads to her being angry, wanting to be friends, or her(&me) crying. I am slowly heading to the D. I will not let her keep me for comfort or security(emotional or other) when I get little out of her.


My wife and I have been separated for 7 months now. I have heard the chliches as well. What's different is that I pushed her further along because in the heat of the moment, I filed for divorce. Now, when we are just about at the agreement and finalization phase, I am pulling the brakes and attempting to reconcile. My wife has stated that the way she was served divorce papers (no warning from me) put the nails in the coffin of any chance of reconciliation. I have told her that I made a mistake, acted out of emotions based upon my hurt, but I don't know how much she believes that, or is willing to work with me at saving the marriage.

Small signs I have witnessed are:

--her presence (she attends MC with me)
--willing to meet for a random lunch or dinner
--willing to hang out with me after the children are asleep, or alone
--accepting my initiated requests, however minimal (responses such as ok, sure, etc.).

Baby steps. I have to be the one to watch any slight and subtle change to gauge progress. If, in a few months, she remains doubtful about reconciliation, I will view it as progress.


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## Mamatomany

Jayb said:


> My wife and I have been *separated for 7 months now.* I have heard the chliches as well. What's different is that I pushed her further along *because in the heat of the moment, I filed for divorce*. Now, when we are just about at the agreement and finalization phase, I am pulling the brakes and attempting to reconcile. My wife has stated that the way she was served divorce papers (no warning from me) put the nails in the coffin of any chance of reconciliation. I have told her that I made a mistake, acted out of emotions based upon my hurt, but I don't know how much she believes that, or is willing to work with me at saving the marriage.
> 
> Small signs I have witnessed are:
> 
> --her presence (she attends MC with me)
> --willing to meet for a random lunch or dinner
> --willing to hang out with me after the children are asleep, or alone
> --accepting my initiated requests, however minimal (responses such as ok, sure, etc.).
> 
> Baby steps. I have to be the one to watch any slight and subtle change to gauge progress. If, in a few months, she remains doubtful about reconciliation, I will view it as progress.


Thanks for sharing. This weekend I started to think about just biting the bullet and filing as soon as I had the retainer to have the lawyer start to do the work(next). He moved out in Jan but in house separation since Dec1. I miss being touched/kissed and he has told me he was done with me... so I thought I should just move on (antidepressants help w/ this idea) and have her file. I hate limbo some days... then reading this I am back to having patience a little longer.

Good luck! Remember it took you some time to decide to work on it, giver her some too.


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## bandit.45

Jayb said:


> My wife has stated that the way she was served divorce papers (no warning from me) put the nails in the coffin of any chance of reconciliation. I have told her that I made a mistake, acted out of emotions based upon my hurt, but I don't know how much she believes that, or is willing to work with me at saving the marriage.


I don't know the particulars, but see I think in your case it would have been better to give her the papers yourself or tell her that they were on there way and have a safe place to have her served out of the public eye. 

The only time that having a spouse served at work or a public place works is when they are actively cheating or in the fog of an affair. The "shock" of this can sometimes knock some sense into them and make them realise what they are doing is wrong and that they need to stop the behavior.

Its all dependent on context of where you are at in a breakup and what you are trying to achieve with the filing.


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## Jayb

bandit.45 said:


> I don't know the particulars, but see I think in your case it would have been better to give her the papers yourself or tell her that they were on there way and have a safe place to have her served out of the public eye.
> 
> The only time that having a spouse served at work or a public place works is when they are actively cheating or in the fog of an affair. The "shock" of this can sometimes knock some sense into them and make them realise what they are doing is wrong and that they need to stop the behavior.
> 
> Its all dependent on context of where you are at in a breakup and what you are trying to achieve with the filing.


You are right. The conversations we are starting to have now, we should have had back then. I should have at least talked about my intention of ending it based on particulars. Because, up to that point (2 months after separation), we were amicable with each other and around the children. I wanted her to hurt like I had hurt after learning about some inappropriate behavior.

If you asked our friends why we are getting divorced, they would be shocked, and then wonder for a bit, before saying that we grew apart.

IMO, that's not a good enough reason to divorce. Especially, without trying and counseling, etc.

So, if I filed, I can withdraw the filing, even after spending so much money and time. If she is so determined to finalize the divorce, then she can do it. That's my passive-aggressive stance and a decision I will have to make in a couple of months.

My compromise if progress is slow or we are still on the fence? Remain separated.


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## bandit.45

Soundslike you are in limbo. Allow anymore time for this and one of you will screw up somehow. 

And filing can only be as expensive as you want. Mediators are less expensive than lawyers and can get paperwork filed faster and with less acrimony as long as you and your wife are both in agreement over the particulars of the divorce. Call one and see how much they charge.


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