# I'm done, but he won't let go....



## Pwrpf01

I have been married to my husband for almost 5 years, we have a 4 yr old. After years of us fighting and not feeling appreciated, I realized recently that I would be happier on my own, I don't want to worry about anyone but me & my kiddo. I finally got the nerve up to tell him. I've thought about everything...all the way down to splitting up the couch and love seat! I mentioned maybe separation - and that's not an option for him. It's either get a divorce or stay living together. 
For about 3 months, I've been talking to someone I met at the grocery store. We even went as far as texting when we'd be there, just so we could shop together. He's never pushed me to be w/ him or to get a divorce. He's just been a listener for me & me for him. I would definitely consider a relationship w/ this new guy sometime down the road. I do know that he is not part of why I am unhappy w/ my marriage. I have 3 YEARS of me complaining & contemplating about my husband.
My husband says he wants to change the way he is now - he wants his family to work and he is willing to do whatever he has to for that to happen. Why does he want to change now? Now that I've hit the wall of no fixing it! Well, I feel guilty because he isn't doing the things he always "enjoyed" doing. He wants to be at home or w/ me now. He was never there for me physically or emotionally from the beginning. We got married because of pregnancy. Dumb move - don't do that! 

We have an appt for a marriage counselor now. I don't even want to waste the $$ on 1 visit. Me & my H talk a lot about what's gone on and how things were messed up for a long time. Sometimes the talks are good, sometimes they are volatile. They will bounce back and forth. I'm not totally blaming him, I won't do that. But I feel that we'd be better as friends. Really. I grew up w/ parents having a NASTY divorce. I definitely don't want that for my kiddo. But I also know that everyone deserves to be happy in life - it's way too short not to be! My biggest question is can my kiddo be ok w/ her parents being divorced?? 
Sorry it's long - it coulda been a lot longer if I had gone into major details. Thanks for anyone's input!! :scratchhead:


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## DelinquentGurl

Personally, I think part of the reason why you don't want to waste your money on counseling is because of the emotional affair you are having with this other man. I believe you when you say that he is not the reason you are unhappy with your marriage, but I also think that he is making leaving the marriage look enticing.

You will do whatever you want to do, but I personally feel like you should try everything you can to save your marriage, so you can at least say you gave it all you had.
This EA with the other man is clouding your judgment, and your marriage doesn't stand a chance as long as you keep communicating with him.

As for why is your husband willing to change now? That's the million dollar question. There could be many different excuses, but all that matters is he is willing to try now.

If you have even an ounce of love for your husband then I would suggest trying to make it work. If you don't, then get a divorce, but don't jump into another relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Your kid will be fine as long as you guys are good co-parents and don't badmouth eachother. 

I agree with DG about the emotional affair. You are definitely having one. You can't work on your marriage or think clearly while you have two relationships going on. You said the other man isn't interested in anything further yet you yourself stated you would consider a relationship with him.

As for your hub: why he wants to change... only he knows that. But don't deny him his truth. The fact is he wants to change whether you are questioning why or not. 

Re: counselling--you can't do MC as long as you're involved in an affair with someone else. So I wouldn't recommend it at all unless you cut the OM out of your life (and I would).

If you want a separation and he won't agree and said it's either divorce or stay together--then you don't have a choice in the matter. You will have to concede.

Good luck, either way.


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## brighterlight

First - I gaurantee you that your husband feels as abandoned as you do. When the children come along H most always take a back seat to the kiddo - isn't that how you feel. You may think not but reality is he does - ask him!

Second - Your EA with this guy. Quit it until you are no longer married if it comes to that. He is clouding your judgement - remember your H probably made you feel the same when you were first dating. This new EA will end up the same after a few years.

Work on your marriage and on being happy in it. Appreciate the things you do have and don't fixate yourself with what you are not getting now. Work on that; talk to him.

Your H is probably just burned out, like you. Try to find a way to rekindle the fire you once had. Let him know how serious you are and how unhappy you are but DO NOT insinuate that it is all him - he might get defensive. If you want to work on this, you also need to participate, he can't do it alone.

If you feel as if you are done after that, then you could work on moving on. The OM needs to go, I know it's very hard to do once you become attached to someone emotionally. Keep your son in the forefornt of your thoughts; I am sure you two have had some good times together, focus on that. Divorce is a deep void, remember that if you do find someone else, you will have a honeymoon period and then it will end so try to see the good qualities about your husband that will withstand the test of time.


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## troy

I believe it is better for kids to live in a single parent home than in a home without love between the parents. It’s the lesser of two evils.

The love was gone in my home years ago, mostly on the part of my wife. We stayed together and I watched the unhappiness and withdrawal from my kids grow over those years. It was heart breaking for me as father to watch this happening to my kids. I love my wife and wanted to work hard to make our marriage better. But she fell out of love with me and chose to stay instead of leave. Classic walk-away-wife syndrome in the making.

Your husband got a wake up call and he is wide awake in his marriage for the first time in his life. That is the reason why he wants to work on his marriage now and not before.

I hindsight, I would have left years ago knowing what I know now.


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## Pwrpf01

thank you everyone for the input - it's all taken in w/ massive consideration. I agree that my shopping buddy is clouding my judgment. But I also don't want to say in 3 yrs "why didn't I end this sooner!?" 
I have a girlfriend that's been dealing w/ a similar relationship, and she's still in it - for 2 yrs now been miserable! 
Troy - I agree about the 1 parent instead of 2 w/o love. 

thank you all!! this seems to be a really good forum/website. There are a lot of opinions w/ respect for the people that are asking the questions.


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## brighterlight

I did not mean to imply in my post to stay in a miserable relationship. I apologize for it appearing so. I was talking about trying to work out a truly happy relationship. If that can't be done, then no, don't stay in your marriage. I was just stating that divorce is a very hard thing to do, for everyone involved and if you can work things out, it would be worth saving your marriage. But, in your case, since it's only been 4 years, it may not be such a terrible idea to sep or D, excepting for the child involved. My situation was different, I had a lifetime of giving to lose.


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## maxter

Have you considered that your H knows about the EA with the shopping friend and just hasn't told you he knows? When I found out about my W's EA I didn't leave on I knew for 2wks. I was devastated, hurt, angry, resentful, scared- you name it. I'm the type of person who internalizes conflict so I withdrew into myself while at the same time becoming determined to seek the help I needed to heal and improved on my faults. Before I even confronted my W I had stopped drinking completely and had seen a IC for one visit already. I wanted to show her how serious I was about making changes in myself when it came time to talk about the EA with her. Your H may know or strongly suspect but just not know how to bring it up with you.


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## broken1

DelinquentGurl said:


> As for why is your husband willing to change now? That's the million dollar question. There could be many different excuses, but all that matters is he is willing to try now.


I'm with delinquent. Who cares how far it had to go before your husband changed. He's willing to change now! I get so tired of hearing everyone get hung up on "why are they changing now?" Well, maybe he didn't get it before. Maybe it had to come to this for him to realize his need for change. As frustrating as that might seem, who cares? If he's willing, and will actually follow through, then you should accept that he could actually make the right changes regardless of how far it had to go before he realized it. If you leave and he still realilzes his need for change then all you did was walk out on what you always wanted it to be. I guess you'd be doing his next wife a favor... The next man you get involved with will have a whole new set of problems that you'll wish could change. you'll be stepping backwards. The man you always wanted will be the previous guy who made the right changes while you were walking out... Because some guy at the grocery store made you feel like it was all worth it.


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## Locard

Keep telling yourselves that divorce isn't abosutely DEVASTATING for children. It is a rough world out there, it is rougher without two parents working together. You are being selfish. You husband and your child will suffer. Don't believe all the garbage written in the grocery store magazines about the divorce fantasy.


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## broken1

Locard said:


> Keep telling yourselves that divorce isn't abosutely DEVASTATING for children. It is a rough world out there, it is rougher without two parents working together. You are being selfish. You husband and your child will suffer. Don't believe all the garbage written in the grocery store magazines about the divorce fantasy.


:iagree:


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## marksaysay

Locard said:


> Keep telling yourselves that divorce isn't abosutely DEVASTATING for children. It is a rough world out there, it is rougher without two parents working together. You are being selfish. You husband and your child will suffer. Don't believe all the garbage written in the grocery store magazines about the divorce fantasy.


Ditto. My wayward wife is starting to find this out. She filed six months ago and is now having a difficult time financially. I believe she thought it would make her life easier. That's not the reality. Our daughter is also suffering, too. Maybe not so much emotionally (at least right now) but in other ways. It is a fantasy to think that divorce makes things better. 

Our problems, like many other, are fixable and it would seem that it would be much easier to work on the marriage than to get a divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

marksaysay said:


> Our problems, like many other, are fixable and it would seem that it would be much easier to work on the marriage than to get a divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Very true but waywards don't think this way


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## Entropy3000

DelinquentGurl said:


> P*ersonally, I think part of the reason why you don't want to waste your money on counseling is because of the emotional affair you are having with this other man. I believe you when you say that he is not the reason you are unhappy with your marriage, but I also think that he is making leaving the marriage look enticing.
> *
> You will do whatever you want to do, but I personally feel like you should try everything you can to save your marriage, so you can at least say you gave it all you had.
> This EA with the other man is clouding your judgment, and your marriage doesn't stand a chance as long as you keep communicating with him.
> 
> As for why is your husband willing to change now? That's the million dollar question. There could be many different excuses, but all that matters is he is willing to try now.
> 
> If you have even an ounce of love for your husband then I would suggest trying to make it work. If you don't, then get a divorce, but don't jump into another relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Good stuff. :iagree:


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## Entropy3000

brighterlight said:


> First - I gaurantee you that your husband feels as abandoned as you do. When the children come along H most always take a back seat to the kiddo - isn't that how you feel. You may think not but reality is he does - ask him!
> 
> Second - Your EA with this guy. Quit it until you are no longer married if it comes to that. He is clouding your judgement - remember your H probably made you feel the same when you were first dating. This new EA will end up the same after a few years.
> 
> Work on your marriage and on being happy in it. Appreciate the things you do have and don't fixate yourself with what you are not getting now. Work on that; talk to him.
> 
> Your H is probably just burned out, like you. Try to find a way to rekindle the fire you once had. Let him know how serious you are and how unhappy you are but DO NOT insinuate that it is all him - he might get defensive. If you want to work on this, you also need to participate, he can't do it alone.
> 
> If you feel as if you are done after that, then you could work on moving on. The OM needs to go, I know it's very hard to do once you become attached to someone emotionally. Keep your son in the forefornt of your thoughts; I am sure you two have had some good times together, focus on that. Divorce is a deep void, remember that if you do find someone else, you will have a honeymoon period and then it will end so try to see the good qualities about your husband that will withstand the test of time.


All very wise indeed. :iagree:


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## Smokey

Guys can be stupid. My wife (of 16 years)had been unhappy for years, dropping hints and trying to spark more interest. But I never really noticed. When things finally came to a head and she said she wanted a trial separtation, I was devastated. Huge wake up call, I never imagined we would ever not make it. I am trying everything I can think of, but I too feel that her EA is clouding her judgement. I regret not trying earlier, and would give anything to try now.


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## sinnister

I have a girlfriend that's been dealing w/ a similar relationship, and she's still in it - for 2 yrs now been miserable! 
******

This made me cringe. Next to Facebook ane world of warcraft, the disgruntled "friend" is right up there with marriage destroyers.


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## Shooboomafoo

Just keep in mind the "other man" has no problems fooling around with a "MARRIED WOMAN".

I see lots of quality there. :/


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## Pwrpf01

twindad said:


> Have you considered that your H knows about the EA with the shopping friend and just hasn't told you he knows? When I found out about my W's EA I didn't leave on I knew for 2wks. I was devastated, hurt, angry, resentful, scared- you name it. I'm the type of person who internalizes conflict so I withdrew into myself while at the same time becoming determined to seek the help I needed to heal and improved on my faults. Before I even confronted my W I had stopped drinking completely and had seen a IC for one visit already. I wanted to show her how serious I was about making changes in myself when it came time to talk about the EA with her. Your H may know or strongly suspect but just not know how to bring it up with you.


Twindad - he does know about the EA. I told him about it because I didn't want to lie to him. We have another MC appt this week. We'll see....


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## Dan-O

I have to throw this out there. Forgive me for being blunt.

Have you thought about your husband receiving your child in the divorce and you paying child support? Most women don't even give this a second thought; usually for good reason but, that's an entirely different thread. They just assume courts award the children to the mother. How would you feel losing your child in the divorce? Make sure and think of everything that might not go in your favor and ask if you can live with those results. Assume nothing...especially if you have had or are still in the process of having an EA and you have disclosed this information to your husband.


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## Jellybeans

Shooboomafoo said:


> Just keep in mind the "other man" has no problems fooling around with a "MARRIED WOMAN".
> 
> I see lots of quality there. :/


Spot on. 



Pwrpf01 said:


> Twindad - he does know about the EA. I told him about it because I didn't want to lie to him. We have another MC appt this week. We'll see....


Why are you going to MC if you're still having an affair and want out? MC is for the purpose of restoring and repairing a marraige, not terminating it. MC doesn't work if someone's actively involved in an affair.


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## brighterlight

broken1 said:


> I'm with delinquent. Who cares how far it had to go before your husband changed. He's willing to change now! I get so tired of hearing everyone get hung up on "why are they changing now?" Well, maybe he didn't get it before. Maybe it had to come to this for him to realize his need for change. As frustrating as that might seem, who cares? If he's willing, and will actually follow through, then you should accept that he could actually make the right changes regardless of how far it had to go before he realized it. If you leave and he still realilzes his need for change then all you did was walk out on what you always wanted it to be. I guess you'd be doing his next wife a favor... The next man you get involved with will have a whole new set of problems that you'll wish could change. you'll be stepping backwards. The man you always wanted will be the previous guy who made the right changes while you were walking out... Because some guy at the grocery store made you feel like it was all worth it.


I couldn't have said it better myself. My wife left me a week AFTER I had started making changes in my life. That was 6 weeks ago. The woman in my next relationship (whenever/ifever) will get all the good qualities I already possesed (dedication, honesty, devotion, etc.), plus the benefit of what my stbx always said she wanted and needed (more affection, less pessimistic view of things (I actually thought I was a realist - which isn't great either, it keeps you from your dreams).

I've changed, I think to the point to where my stbx is trying to get out of the house ASAP because she says it's too painful to be around me. She asked me the other day - why now? why after I asked to leave you? My answer: you jumped the gun; I was already making these changes FOR YOU before I had any idea you where going to drop the D word on me, you didn't give us a chance. I guess the next woman gets the benefits.

I am really sad for all of this, what a waste of a perfectly good marriage. I still care for her but I can move on.


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## LMatilda

brighterlight said:


> I couldn't have said it better myself. My wife left me a week AFTER I had started making changes in my life. That was 6 weeks ago. The woman in my next relationship (whenever/ifever) will get all the good qualities I already possesed (dedication, honesty, devotion, etc.), plus the benefit of what my stbx always said she wanted and needed (more affection, less pessimistic view of things (I actually thought I was a realist - which isn't great either, it keeps you from your dreams).
> 
> I've changed, I think to the point to where my stbx is trying to get out of the house ASAP because she says it's too painful to be around me. She asked me the other day - why now? why after I asked to leave you? My answer: you jumped the gun; I was already making these changes FOR YOU before I had any idea you where going to drop the D word on me, you didn't give us a chance. I guess the next woman gets the benefits.
> 
> I am really sad for all of this, what a waste of a perfectly good marriage. I still care for her but I can move on.


My husband is now on the same situation than you, but I asked him many times to go MC, and he would laugh at me and therapy, he promised me so many times to change (he has anger and control issues), I gave him 6 months to start working out at it, then another 6, and the months passed with no changes, not even a small step forward, quite the opposite. He would insult me, blame me, control me, give me the silence treatment for weeks, he slept on a different room for the last couple of months...He was aware that the months had passed and still kept saying that we were fine! And the night I left him, he really pushed me away, few women would have stayed like that. Being insulted and shouted at repeatedly in front of our daughter, despite me asking him not to, and then he would continue saying that "She needs to see what a selfish (insult) I am!!" And all this happened because I had taken one day job to contribute economicaly and he would't let me do it because my job was to take care of our daughter....meanwhile he controlled of the finances and I was literary starving... How much of a chance can I give this man now? Yes now that I have finally gathered the courage to leave him, and I would like to move on and rebuild my life while I still have time, even if that means no more children...Now he wants to change!, I just can't believe him any more. I can't trust him, and well, yes he seems like he has no other choice now but to change, he is not living with us anymore and feels out of the family....He is missing his daughter tremendously and he has realised now what a mistake not having tried to change sooner. But for me... I don't want to go trough the hell we have been going through in the last couple of years. Not with an 18th month who could witness the conflict. It would affect her emotionally. I just can't risk it. Full stop. If it is true that he is really going to change, good on him! I'll be watching that from the outside of the marriage, and if he really loves me and I do love him (although there is barely any love left), we will get back together, but if he meets another woman to practice on, and apply all his changes to, then I'll be happy with the contribution in making the lucky woman happy. Maybe I am lucky too and I meet a man who has already learned the lesson before, or even better! Hopefully, someone respectful, loving and kind who wouldn't need to learn any lesson at all in the first place.Like my brother or my dad... There may be some men like that out there.
If not, I will just be happily on my own.


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