# This is so painful



## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

I was doing better since my ww left in September.... however, today has been really tough on me emotionally. I miss her so much and the holidays don't make this any better. Thing is I have 2 different women that would date me but my feelings are all messed up and I can't seem think about them when i am around them.. I find myself thinking about my ww.

I hate this feeling that just rushed over me today.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Allow yourself to feel the feelings that come up.

Gaining self control to know when "enough is enough" will help you though.

Until you are right yourself.

I would suggest not dating.

Nothing wrong with going out and building new relationships / friendships.

The last thing you need is to tie your self worth up in someone else.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

your feelings are entirely natural given how recently your wife left. 
It no doubt does not help you much in this painful moment but know many have been where you are at and in time it gets better.

When I am really, really blue I put on Peggy Lee singing the blues and lie in the middle of the floor and let the sadness pour over me.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> Allow yourself to feel the feelings that come up.
> 
> Gaining self control to know when "enough is enough" will help you though.
> 
> ...



I know i am nowhere near being with someone else. It wouldn't be fare to them or me. 

I just hate this feeling I have today.


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## timeforpain (Apr 29, 2012)

Ostera,

I hope posting here gives you some small relief. Holidays make things even harder since we are used to being with family. 

You will make it through. Some days are going to be just awful, but you will make it through. And it gets better.

If it's sunny at all in the next few days, try to get outside a little. It often makes me feel a tiny bit better.

Hang in there.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I'm right here with you.

Enjoy the people you have in your life right now. 

Things will be better.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

It is different. Are you in No Contact right now? What is her situation right now?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Patience Ostera. Patience with yourself.

Until you get these pent up emotions out and dealt with you will be wise to not date.

Sorry for your pain pal.

It will get better.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> It is different. Are you in No Contact right now? What is her situation right now?


She is basically the one doing the 180. She doesn't need money. She has blocked my cell phone and made it absolutely clear that I am not wanted in her life. She checked out on my several months before she left. 

If you read my original thread I was married to a serial cheater. Who cheated on all her men before me. 

My issue is I was truely head over heels in love with her so it's hard to just 'turn it off." We had a very rocky 3 years together and she always gave ultimatums. She made it clear she could just walk out of the marriage because that's just the way she is.

Christmas day was actually much better than the eve. I hung out with friends and had a pretty decent time.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

ok... I would suggest just leaving her alone. There is not much you can do. I did it for 5 months and it really made a difference. If she really misses you then she will get a hold of you .. if not your answer is made.

The hardest thing was to try and not think you want to contact her. It gets easier after the 4 month for me. You will NOT get her out of your mind. It just won't happen.. she will fade but not be gone. She has taken a piece of you that you can't get back. 

I'm sorry.. I wish there was something I could say that would be better news but I took the no contact to the extreme and it worked for me even though it killed me inside.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> ok... I would suggest just leaving her alone. There is not much you can do. I did it for 5 months and it really made a difference. If she really misses you then she will get a hold of you .. if not your answer is made.
> 
> The hardest thing was to try and not think you want to contact her. It gets easier after the 4 month for me. You will NOT get her out of your mind. It just won't happen.. she will fade but not be gone. She has taken a piece of you that you can't get back.
> 
> I'm sorry.. I wish there was something I could say that would be better news but I took the no contact to the extreme and it worked for me even though it killed me inside.


Agreed.

Separate yourself from the situation.

Pull the attachment stitches out screaming if you must.

The longer you separate yourself and work on you.

The better you will feel.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

The important thing is that she can't miss you if you don't go away.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> The important thing is that she can't miss you if you don't go away.


Word has it from one of her work friends that contacted me is she is already seeing someone else. I know it won't last because that's the way she is.. but in the meantime she won't miss me because she has someone else to occupy her mind. 

I try not to think about her. But then something will trigger and I get a rush of emotions. I really don't try to contact her because when i do she just says hateful things that make me feel worse. 

I don't see how people can just move from one relationship to another soooo quickly.

When we did counseling the therapist told my wife she had a lot of unresolved issues and appeared to have BPD.

That's when my wife quit counseling. She can't face someone telling her she has issues. Her ego is too fragile.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> Word has it from one of her work friends that contacted me is she is already seeing someone else. I know it won't last because that's the way she is.. but in the meantime she won't miss me because she has someone else to occupy her mind.


I hope you see that as a sign to move on and have a great life.

She has moved on in the past and she is doing it again.

Time for you to move forward with your life and take care of yourself.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> I hope you see that as a sign to move on and have a great life.
> 
> She has moved on in the past and she is doing it again.
> 
> Time for you to move forward with your life and take care of yourself.




I do see that as a sign. I know I am hanging onto an illusion. The part I am having issues with is 'turning off' the love I have/had for her. 

She played the push me away, reel me in game pretty good. When things were good, they were GREAT. When things were bad they were really bad.

I used to that being normal.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Ostera said:


> I do see that as a sign. I know I am hanging onto an illusion. The part I am having issues with is 'turning off' the love I have/had for her.
> 
> She played the push me away, reel me in game pretty good. When things were good, they were GREAT. When things were bad they were really bad.
> 
> *I used to that being normal.*


So many of us felt that way at one time or another as well.

Becoming detached is a hard thing to do.

It is doable though.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

she doesn't sound like someone you should waste one more second being worried about 

easy to say I know but you have to let go my friend - not sure why she's so terrified of commitment or getting genuinely close to someone but she is. And that desire to 'change' her will mean she's never short of partners. Perhaps she knows that - who cares?

either way you need to move on and find someone worthy of your attention


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Now that you realize that go find "Normal" Ostera.

You deserve no less.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> she doesn't sound like someone you should waste one more second being worried about
> 
> easy to say I know but you have to let go my friend - not sure why she's so terrified of commitment or getting genuinely close to someone but she is. And that desire to 'change' her will mean she's never short of partners. Perhaps she knows that - who cares?
> 
> either way you need to move on and find someone worthy of your attention




Funny thing is I KNOW why she can't be genuinely. Her dad cheated on her mom all the time. She told me all men cheat, so she does it first. That's how she can be 'emotionally detached'. 

She is into the idea that 'nothing last forever'. 

It all part of her HEAVY Borderline traits. It's weird, she is extremely attractive... yet she has huge self image and self esteem issues.

She needs constant validation from men to improve herself worth in her mind. She makes very good money so she isn't dependant on anyone for that..

But you are right.. she isn't worth me pursuing her because it would be drama anyway.. I am having a hard time with the fact I met someone who will eventually die alone... 

She can't be fixed and I know this.. I just don't want to accept it. 

That's my hurdle... I do want to try and 'fix' her.. But BPDer's can't be fixed.. this is how she has been for over 30 years. 

Being almost normal (codependent issues), I am not used to this type of behavier in a relationship.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Ostera said:


> Funny thing is I KNOW why she can't be genuinely. Her dad cheated on her mom all the time. *She told me all men cheat, so she does it first. That's how she can be 'emotionally detached'. *
> 
> *She is into the idea that 'nothing last forever'. *
> 
> ...


You listed several red flags that should light a fire under your "self worth" butt. 

YOU cannot fix ANYONE.

Regardless of your relation to them.

As for BPD.

I know several (a few on here) who live a good, happy life.

But they worked on themselves.

Willingly.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> she doesn't sound like someone you should waste one more second being worried about
> 
> easy to say I know but you have to let go my friend - not sure why she's so terrified of commitment or getting genuinely close to someone but she is. *And that desire to 'change' her will mean she's never short of partners. Perhaps she knows that - who cares?*either way you need to move on and find someone worthy of your attention


And this she knows very well.. she told me that several times when she was 'demanding' something from me. She made it clear several times that she can walk out of any relationship if she doesn't get her way.

After she left she told me that I "couldn't be controlled and that everything needs to be on her terms."


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