# Can't believe I'm getting divorced



## berlin292 (Dec 18, 2012)

I’m sure there are plenty of other people out there with a story like mine. I’m getting divorced. We have been (were) married 15 years, have two kids, live a very comfortable life. My wife was a stay-home mom for 10 years. 

Our marriage wasn’t perfect. It was a sexless marriage, mostly. I tried to connect. I used to bring home flowers for no reason, to show her she’s appreciated. I did lots of housework. I tried doing no housework. I stayed home on Fridays so we could have bedroom time when the kids weren’t around. I used to take her to a coffee shop about once a week to give us time to talk without the kids. I brought home books about marriage and relationships – she didn’t want to read them with me. I made a big deal about her birthday, gave her nice gifts, we never had money problems.

Nothing worked. Several years ago, with no sex between us, I looked at porn on occasion. Not obsessively, but who can go with no sex, no release? When she found out, she was mad. After that I tried to reconnect with her – that’s when we tried the coffee shop and I stayed home on Fridays, but this had no effect.

About two years ago, she became very friendly with a coach of one of our kids. People told me about them, and then I found out they met for coffee one day when she was supposed to be shopping. I confronted her, we got into counseling, but she didn’t like it and we stopped after three sessions. After that the distance between us increased a lot. Eventually it was she was having an affair with that guy and eventually I found emails proving it. 

We got into counseling a second time, but it was a much higher mountain to climb now. She and the guy (he’s also married) professed their love for each other over and over and over in emails. I now know they talked all the time. They met in a nearby city sometimes. 

To make it worse, as we went to counseling, she continued having contact with the guy. She couldn’t bring herself to say she was committed to trying to fix the marriage, she’d say “I don’t know.” Not the best way to fix a marriage. 

After about 10 months of counseling, we had made little progress. She blamed me for the affair (said it was the result of the past issues in our marriage). Then it was my birthday and there was no gift and no card and that seemed like a pretty clear sign: she’s not interested in staying married.

So I got a lawyer and made plans to move out. I have a lot of anger related to this (who wouldn’t?). To me, it’s mindboggling that it has even come to this. I feel like we had problems in our marriage but they were fixable. We started counseling, we could have worked on it, if both of us made a commitment to put in the effort. But THEN she went off and had a year-long, full-blown affair. 

I just look forward to cutting ties and being on my own, and I still can’t believe this has happened. 

Thanks for reading.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Have you exposed the affair to family and the other man's wife? If not you should do it today.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

There are a lot of us going through the something . Use the board there is a lot of good advice to be found here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Casually looking at porn could be a problem for some people.

It wasn't the cause of anything rash in the marriage though.

As for the MC.

It was pointless from the beginning if she did not cut contact with the posOM.

Do not play into the blame game.

Are you currently living together still?

Paying for her bills?


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

As for exposing the affair.

I suggest going to the infidelity forum for more information on that.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

From reading the beginning of your post and the sexless marriage thing I suggest reading 'No More Mr Nice Guy' for the 1st part and 'The Married Man Sex Life Primer' for the 2nd. 

Its understandable to be angry and upset just don't let that define you. Don't feel bad about looking at porn. She wasn't fulfilling her marital duties and providing you with the sex and love you needed.

Cheaters are losers and through their actions they show what kind of person they truly are. Self centered, immoral people with no respect for themselves or others around them. She is doing you a favor by leaving. Her affair will end very badly. Especially since the OM is married as well.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> From reading the beginning of your post and the sexless marriage thing I suggest reading 'No More Mr Nice Guy' for the 1st part and 'The Married Man Sex Life Primer' for the 2nd.
> 
> Its understandable to be angry and upset just don't let that define you. Don't feel bad about looking at porn. *She wasn't fulfilling her marital duties and providing you with the sex and love you needed.*
> 
> Cheaters are losers and through their actions they show what kind of person they truly are. Self centered, immoral people with no respect for themselves or others around them. She is doing you a favor by leaving. Her affair will end very badly. Especially since the OM is married as well.


It isn't her job to make him feel 'loved'.

Nor is it his job to make her feel 'loved'.

Providing sex?


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> It isn't her job to make him feel 'loved'.
> 
> Nor is it his job to make her feel 'loved'.
> 
> Providing sex?


It is a couples obligation to provide each other with sex and love in a marriage. Even both those books mentioned say the same exact thing. No body should stand for a sexless marriage. That alone is grounds for divorce. Sex is a important part of a relationship and if one person is holding it over the others head that is wrong. Both spouses jobs are to love each other then they will both feel loved.

Usually if the wife isn't having sex its because something in the marriage is already wrong.

Either way the point I was trying to make before being side tracked is if she wouldn't have sex with you, you shouldn't feel guilty for looking at porn to get some release.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> It is her obligation to provide her husband sex and love in a marriage. Even both those books mentioned say the same exact thing. No body should stand for a sexless marriage. That alone is grounds for divorce. Sex is a important part of a relationship and if one person is holding it over the others head that is wrong. Both spouses jobs are to love each other then they will both feel loved.
> 
> Usually if the wife isn't having sex its because something in the marriage is already wrong.


A marriage is 2 _*individuals*_ coming together.

A healthy marriage is comprised of boundaries and understanding.

Without these factors, nothing but resentment and anger will arise.

No 'book' can dictate how often a couple 'should' do this or that.

A marriage can be truly happy even without frequent sex.

Happiness is individual.


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## berlin292 (Dec 18, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. Yes, I told the guy's wife right away. Family members know. I told my side. She told her side but sugar-coated it, said she was "friends" with the guy, didn't mention that it was the coach of one of our kids. She ahs real trouble facing up to reality.

I have an apartment and am about to move out. I still contribute toward bill-paying but have my own bank account now. She's not happy about that, but she's done very little to prevent it from getting to this point.

Yes, I believe MC was pointless with her continuing contact. I kept going for the kids. The contact finally stopped 4 months into counseling, but things between us didn't really improve. Then eventually we got to my birthday and the no-gift/card thing was a clear sign that MC wasn't going to work. In fact, the counselor quit on us, told us he can't help us, maybe we should try someone with a different approach. I think that was mainly because she was so uncooperative.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Pay only what you are legally entitled to pay.

No more.

No less.

I suggest cutting all contact that isn't related to the kids or financials.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> A marriage is 2 _*individuals*_ coming together.
> 
> A healthy marriage is comprised of boundaries and understanding.
> 
> ...


Those books and my post did not dictate how often a couple should have sex. Just that no one should stand for the other withholding sex. A marriage can be truly happy without frequent sex, but the key word there is 'frequent'. The word implies they still have sex. Its hard for both individuals to be truly happy in a marriage if one is withholding sex completely. Of course by that time its obvious they aren't truly happy. Or atleast one of them isn't. If your wife is withholding sex that is a clear early sign something else in the marriage has already gone south.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> Those books and my post did not dictate how often a couple should have sex. Just that no one should stand for the other withholding sex. A marriage can be truly happy without frequent sex, but the key word there is 'frequent'. The word implies they still have sex. Its hard for both individuals to be truly happy in a marriage if one is withholding sex completely. Of course by that time its obvious they aren't truly happy. Or atleast one of them isn't. If your wife is withholding sex that is a clear early sign something else in the marriage has already gone south.


So a husband wants sex 3 times a week.

The wife only feels the need once a week.

How do they solve this problem?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Berlin,

I know this sounds like a cliche but she did you a favor.

If she didn't have an affair, you'd still be pounding your head against a wall trying to please this woman with no result except for her to want more and more without having to give anything herself.

She's not happy now that the money train isn't as good as it once was? Tough SH!T! She wanted the single life so she could bang other guys, she got it!

Also, if you really want to blow her out of the water, show your proof to the people she "sugar coated" her affair to.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Berlin,
> 
> I know this sounds like a cliche but she did you a favor.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Obviously if the marriage was fine they would work out their differences as a loving couple does. This isn't a simple case of the wife wants it less then the husband. She obviously didn't feel loved or had some other beef with her husband and refused him sex. Then got mad at him when he went elsewhere. A spouse shouldn't stand for that anymore then he would stand for her cussing him out everyday, or running up credit cards. Etc.


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## berlin292 (Dec 18, 2012)

You are SO right -- I was pounding my head against the wall to please her, and there was no pleasing her. She did me a favor. I thought I was going to live my remaining decades with no sex life. 

I've tried to take the high road and have not shown the (sickening) emails to anyone except for 3 close family members. They're not sex emails. That actually would be easier to deal with. It's more like "I'm so glad you're a big part of my life, I can't imagine being more in love with you." And it went on for months. It was just devastating to read.

And she's a very passive-aggressive person, so she did nothing in MC to fix the situation, and eventually I came to the conclusion that I had to move out or lose my mind.


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## berlin292 (Dec 18, 2012)

I WISH it were that she wanted sex once a week. Or even once a month. The worst year was 2008 -- four times. Was probably never more than 10 times a year at any time in the last decade. And the worst part was that she never initiated, and often went through the motions.

I agree that there has to be sex to make a good marriage. Sex is normal. It's part of life. And it one person opts out, then the marriage is in jeopardy.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

The problem is she opted out a long time ago. The lack of desire to have sex with you was just a symptom of the real issue.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Perhaps the long ten lack of sex is because this inst her first affair?

It's beyond time that you went nuclear on the affair and the coach.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw nuclear should include exposing the affair to every parent on the team as well as the league organizers, and his work.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> Btw nuclear should include exposing the affair to every parent on the team as well as the league organizers, and his work.


Indeed , if you want any chance of saving your marriage expose the OM far and wide
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

I you have not read the thread above do so now, it contains a a lot of good advice.

Your job is to ruin the fantacy , expose this man and make sure his antics are known , make his life difficult, place his job is at risk. OM's have a habit of running when their finances are affected . I have seen some impressive returns from the cheaterville site , use it . You must not play nice with this guy , he is activly dismantling your marriage.


Only once the affair is dead can a rational decision be made of D or R 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> Indeed , if you want any chance of saving your marriage expose the OM far and wide
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why would he want to stay married to this shrew?


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## timeforpain (Apr 29, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> So a husband wants sex 3 times a week.
> 
> The wife only feels the need once a week.
> 
> How do they solve this problem?


From some Woody Allen movie (I don't remember which):

Counselor 1: "How often to you have sex?"

Allen: "Hardly ever... like three times a week."

<cut scene>

Counselor 2: "How often to you have sex?"

Keaton: "Constantly... like three times a week."


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