# Newbie - He left me and NOW he wants me back?!



## Lady Abandoned

Hi everyone. I'm new here and going through a LOT. I'm in therapy but I felt i needed more so here I am. 
My husband and I have been together since 2014. We've only been married since 2018. We've both been married before and I was cautious about doing it again so we had many conversations about past hurts and our expectations in marriage. There were promises to each other that we never divorce. We agreed that we would do everything it took to make it work. 
We had no children living with us and then suddenly my 17 year old and his 15 year old both moved in. Our parenting styles are completely different and we had problems in our marriage for a year because of that. He refused counseling and eventually i found out that he was lying about putting the child support he was receiving into our bank account. He was burning through a savings account that i was the only one contributing to he handled all of the bills so i never checked until it was almost gone. I confronted him and he explained that he was preparing to leave me. WTF!? I immediately got my things in order and moved. The betrayal and lack of concern over what I would afford to move was too much. 
Once I moved he kept coming over and broke down begging for reconciliation. I caved with conditions. Marriage counseling, individual therapy for both, I'm keeping my mobile home, he has to find and pay the deposit on property that i will keep if we divorce and my name will be on it. He will not move in with me until that happens. We are not technically together but he's here a lot and we act like it. 
I left the choice of marriage counseling to him and I started my therapy. He's been super slow to get any of his or ours started and he's floored by property prices bc they have gone up a lot here. 
He's a procrastinator in general but I feel like if this was important to him it would be priority. Like... Doesn't it bother him that I'm not living with him? I finally broke down the other day and then stopped responding to any texts for a day and a half and he showed up here in tears begging me not to cut him out. Promising to get going on everything. He started sending my properties he's finding but nothing on counselors. 
My question is... What would you think in this situation? How would you act on it? Would you?


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## sokillme

I'm sorry but how many chances does the dude get? I think lying to you about the money should be enough. When people show you who they are believe them.


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## Lady Abandoned

sokillme said:


> I'm sorry but how many chances does the dude get? I think lying to you about the money should be enough. When people show you who they are believe them.


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## Lady Abandoned

I know. It's what I would tell someone else but it's so hard. I have no relationship with my family so i feel like I won't have anyone if i dont have him. I have major abandonment issues and i know that's a huge issue. That's why I'm in therapy. I don't plan on ever marrying again. Dating yes. Marriage no. I feel that i was meant to be a wife so it sucks to look at a future without that. 
I'm a work in progress. Maybe it won't be so hard to let go after i work on me. I hope.


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## Lady Abandoned

[/QUOTE]


Lady Abandoned said:


> I know. It's what I would tell someone else but it's so hard. I have no relationship with my family so i feel like I won't have anyone if i dont have him. I have major abandonment issues and i know that's a huge issue. That's why I'm in therapy. I don't plan on ever marrying again. Dating yes. Marriage no. I feel that i was meant to be a wife so it sucks to look at a future without that.
> I'm a work in progress. Maybe it won't be so hard to let go after i work on me. I hope.


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## BeyondRepair007

Lady Abandoned said:


> Hi everyone. I'm new here and going through a LOT. I'm in therapy but I felt i needed more so here I am.
> My husband and I have been together since 2014. We've only been married since 2018. We've both been married before and I was cautious about doing it again so we had many conversations about past hurts and our expectations in marriage. There were promises to each other that we never divorce. We agreed that we would do everything it took to make it work.
> We had no children living with us and then suddenly my 17 year old and his 15 year old both moved in. Our parenting styles are completely different and we had problems in our marriage for a year because of that. He refused counseling and eventually i found out that he was lying about putting the child support he was receiving into our bank account. He was burning through a savings account that i was the only one contributing to he handled all of the bills so i never checked until it was almost gone. I confronted him and he explained that he was preparing to leave me. WTF!? I immediately got my things in order and moved. The betrayal and lack of concern over what I would afford to move was too much.
> Once I moved he kept coming over and broke down begging for reconciliation. I caved with conditions. Marriage counseling, individual therapy for both, I'm keeping my mobile home, he has to find and pay the deposit on property that i will keep if we divorce and my name will be on it. He will not move in with me until that happens. We are not technically together but he's here a lot and we act like it.
> I left the choice of marriage counseling to him and I started my therapy. He's been super slow to get any of his or ours started and he's floored by property prices bc they have gone up a lot here.
> He's a procrastinator in general but I feel like if this was important to him it would be priority. Like... Doesn't it bother him that I'm not living with him? I finally broke down the other day and then stopped responding to any texts for a day and a half and he showed up here in tears begging me not to cut him out. Promising to get going on everything. He started sending my properties he's finding but nothing on counselors.
> My question is... What would you think in this situation? How would you act on it? Would you?


I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I wish there was a clear-cut answer to solve all your problems.
But we both know it isn’t that easy.

Im a recovering procrastinator so I’ll speak from that point of view in hopes that it helps you.

He needs tangible consequences for inaction. Not threats, not words, but real consequences.

My best suggestion sounds horrible.
File for divorce (quietly) and have him served. It needs to be a shock, and maybe you’re not reachable for a few days.

He will come begging to reconcile, as you know.

The conditions you set must all be fulfilled before you will stop the D.

Sorry to say that might not even do it. If he’s really all about procrastination then out of sight out of mind will take over after a couple months and he’ll wait till the very end to do anything and it will be too late.

But, (again, sorry to say) you know where you stand on his priority list. 

I wish you the best going through this.


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## BeyondRepair007

Oh, one last thing. Keep posting here on TAM. Folks here are genius (well, mostly  ) and is really therapeutic to get these things out.


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## Lady Abandoned

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I wish there was a clear-cut answer to solve all your problems.
> But we both know it isn’t that easy.
> 
> Im a recovering procrastinator so I’ll speak from that point of view in hopes that it helps you.
> 
> He needs tangible consequences for inaction. Not threats, not words, but real consequences.
> 
> My best suggestion sounds horrible.
> File for divorce (quietly) and have him served. It needs to be a shock, and maybe you’re not reachable for a few days.
> 
> He will come begging to reconcile, as you know.
> 
> The conditions you set must all be fulfilled before you will stop the D.
> 
> Sorry to say that might not even do it. If he’s really all about procrastination then out of sight out of mind will take over after a couple months and he’ll wait till the very end to do anything and it will be too late.
> 
> But, (again, sorry to say) you know where you stand on his priority list.
> 
> I wish you the best going through this.


Even the thought panics me. But I know you are right. It took me not responding for him start showing effort at all. The fear. It sucks that it takes that. And I totally get it. Just making myself take those steps... Gulp.


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## BeyondRepair007

Lady Abandoned said:


> Even the thought panics me. But I know you are right. It took me not responding for him start showing effort at all. The fear. It sucks that it takes that. And I totally get it. Just making myself take those steps... Gulp.


While you’re thinking through that you should ask yourself if you really want this battle for the rest of your life?

Maybe counseling should also have a focus on procrastination. Or maybe you just shouldn’t put yourself through it. Only you can make that call.

In my case I had a self-induced wake up call when I was a lurker here on TAM for most of a year. Through that time I realized how much I was failing at being a man that my wife needed. Change was tough and is ongoing.

If there’s a way to have that sort of wake up for him, it may be worth it.


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## Lady Abandoned

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Oh, one last thing. Keep posting here on TAM. Folks here are genius (well, mostly  ) and is really therapeutic to get these things out.


Lol! Good. Lord knows I need all the help I can get. 😜


BeyondRepair007 said:


> While you’re thinking through that you should ask yourself if you really want this battle for the rest of your life?
> 
> Maybe counseling should also have a focus on procrastination. Or maybe you just shouldn’t put yourself through it. Only you can make that call.
> 
> In my case I had a self-induced wake up call when I was a lurker here on TAM for most of a year. Through that time I realized how much I was failing at being a man that my wife needed. Change was tough and is ongoing.
> 
> If there’s a way to have that sort of wake up for him, it may be worth it.


I think I'm waiting on that wake up call... But scared that I'm fooling myself. Because of my own abandonment issues i know that i tend to stay way too long... Hold out hope and let people get away with way too much. I can only hope this isn't one of those times because my history with men shows me that past behavior predicts future behavior. I've had enough hurt and loss... Im tired. I'm also smart enough to know what I SHOULD do... It's just that the "doing it" part overwhelms me. Ugh. And rinse and repeat. 🙄


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## BeyondRepair007

Lady Abandoned said:


> Lol! Good. Lord knows I need all the help I can get. 😜
> I think I'm waiting on that wake up call... But scared that I'm fooling myself. Because of my own abandonment issues i know that i tend to stay way too long... Hold out hope and let people get away with way too much. I can only hope this isn't one of those times because my history with men shows me that past behavior predicts future behavior. I've had enough hurt and loss... Im tired. I'm also smart enough to know what I SHOULD do... It's just that the "doing it" part overwhelms me. Ugh. And rinse and repeat. 🙄


So what was all the mess about hiding money and preparing to leave you? Was it because of the parenting issues? The reaction seems a bit extreme to me if that was it.

That‘s something else that should be part of a recovery plan. Full transparency. All accounts, all passwords, including phones and computers. No secrets allowed. Ever. You can respect each other’s privacy while at the same time having no secrets.


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## Lady Abandoned

Right.


BeyondRepair007 said:


> So what was all the mess about hiding money and preparing to leave you? Was it because of the parenting issues? The reaction seems a bit extreme to me if that was it.
> 
> That‘s something else that should be part of a recovery plan. Full transparency. All accounts, all passwords, including phones and computers. No secrets allowed. Ever. You can respect each other’s privacy while at the same time having no secrets.


Oh it is! I'm keeping my own accounts and separate money. Period. I need to know I'm safe and secure.

He said... If you can believe this... That he just told me that because he was upset and he was keeping the child support saved up because that was his sons money and he didn't feel it should go to the household. And yet... Money taken from my account paid for his sons new clothes, groceries for him to eat, a roof over his head. It's ridiculous and makes no sense. An obvious cover up and i truly believe the first thing he said about stocking money to leave. He then said he was freaking out once i found out and just let me go on with buying my house and preparing to leave because he thought I'd come to him and try to stop the separation before I actually moved out. He said he knew if i apologized then he would never have to admit he was wrong.
The parenting... He'd rather be a friend with the occasional act of parenting. I PARENT. I teach respect of people in general and no laughing at another's expense. If you make a mess clean it up and if you don't I'll call you back to clean it again and again. He said i was picking on his son because I made him come clean his mess over and over. The problem wasn't me picking on him. The problem was that his son had someone else cleaning his mess his whole life. And messy he was. Cereal literally all over the place wherever he made a bowl... Then across the floor where he carried it to the table... In the table, chairs, and floor. I called him to come clean it every time I saw a spot. But I did the same to my son.
His son was borderline diabetic. I started keeping snacks in my room and distributing them one or two a day. I had the kids going to bed at ten on school nights and he said it want fair. If we weren't in bed at ten then they shouldn't have to be. I was too controlling and used military style parenting and it just wasn't that serious. I patented with love but parented to teach. He just parented the way that was easiest for him. It's insane to me.
And he let it fester. Started believing i was out to get his son. Stopped communicating and emotionally abandoned me... Refusing affection, passive aggressive comments, negative jokes about me. So i withdrew. Waiting it out bc he wouldn't go to counseling. Spending more time by myself in the bedroom instead of being in an uncomfortable situation.
Oh! That's right. He also said at one point that he was stashing money because he thought I was doing it to bc I was preparing to leave him. He likes to flip things and shift blame. Manipulate. I'm calling him out every time I see it now. Not accepting it. I love so loyally that i think he never thought I'd actually leave. But who would stay? 
It's all just... A LOT.


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## DownByTheRiver

Lady Abandoned said:


> I know. It's what I would tell someone else but it's so hard. I have no relationship with my family so i feel like I won't have anyone if i dont have him. I have major abandonment issues and i know that's a huge issue. That's why I'm in therapy. I don't plan on ever marrying again. Dating yes. Marriage no. I feel that i was meant to be a wife so it sucks to look at a future without that.
> I'm a work in progress. Maybe it won't be so hard to let go after i work on me. I hope.


I think you should go it alone until you build up your own confidence that you are able to do that and survive. What you have is fear and I'm sure part of its financial but I'm here to tell you that you should have more financial fear if you go back to him then you do if you're on your own. You could get two jobs if necessary since your kids are grown.. You could get a female roommate. You could downsize with the kids are now out of the house or could be out. 

Abandonment issues make you make bad choices. My best friend has them and they have really messed with her choices. And the truth is you often end up with a man who will just abandon your kids the way you were. Because that's what's familiar to you and you're trying to find someone familiar to you like that but who you can fix and it's not fixable.


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## sokillme

Lady Abandoned said:


> I know. It's what I would tell someone else but it's so hard. I have no relationship with my family so i feel like I won't have anyone if i dont have him. I have major abandonment issues and i know that's a huge issue. That's why I'm in therapy. I don't plan on ever marrying again. Dating yes. Marriage no. I feel that i was meant to be a wife so it sucks to look at a future without that.
> I'm a work in progress. Maybe it won't be so hard to let go after i work on me. I hope.


OK then you need to work hard to empower yourself. You need to branch out so you are not so dependent on him, go out meet people. It may take time but you can do it.


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## Luckylucky

I have to point something out (your therapist, if a good one, would take note of this).

‘I love loyally.’ But your descriptions and the tone and the way you convey your situations, doesn’t show me anything to think you are loyal or loving. I am afraid I don’t see that you love anyone, you don’t speak in loving tones. I completely understand how your past may have impacted your present situation. I understand how angry you must be right now, but you don’t describe how you ‘live’ at all, rather, the anger seeps through. Rules, conditions, hurts, consequences etc

The statement also worries me, the one about we agreed we married never to divorce. Most people do get married without wanting to divorce. It sounds… aggressive and not very loving. Did this discussion ever involve any threats from either of you, like, ‘if you Ever leave me or cheat on me I will XYZ?’

I’m really glad you’re going to therapy, it can’t be easy at all having no-one else, no contact with your family.

Im really confused as to why he was hiding money. Also confused how you didn’t notice money missing (who handles the finances?) How did you find out about his financial deception?


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## Luckylucky

If you could also clarify, who owns what in terms of property now, and ask who owned what when you married. Where did you both agree to live together?

You mentioned you want him to buy a property for you and put it in your name, and to agree to give it to you if you divorce. You now live in a trailer with your daughter, correct? (your own trailer?), where is he living now and who is he living with?


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## Lady Abandoned

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think you should go it alone until you build up your own confidence that you are able to do that and survive. What you have is fear and I'm sure part of its financial but I'm here to tell you that you should have more financial fear if you go back to him then you do if you're on your own. You could get two jobs if necessary since your kids are grown.. You could get a female roommate. You could downsize with the kids are now out of the house or could be out.
> 
> Abandonment issues make you make bad choices. My best friend has them and they have really messed with her choices. And the truth is you often end up with a man who will just abandon your kids the way you were. Because that's what's familiar to you and you're trying to find someone familiar to you like that but who you can fix and it's not fixable.


Definite fear but more of being alone. I've already moved out and I'm making it okay financially. It's harder of course, but I'm proud that I'm doing it. But with this not being my first failed marriage... I know in my heart I'll never be married again... Not having a support system at all... Yeah thats just a lot. I know for sure the abandonment drives me. I'm hoping that therapy will put me in a place where it doesn't drive my decisions but I'm scared of what that looks like... If I'll be the lonely old lady that nobody cares about. 
I just recently started with the counseling. But I know that right now the fear keeps me frozen in place.


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## BeyondRepair007

Lady Abandoned said:


> If I'll be the lonely old lady that nobody cares about.


Boooo

Don't even think like that.

It seems to me that you've got a good head on your shoulders, can think straight and not afraid of doing what's necessary for those you love.
That's a gem nowadays. Spend some time here and you'll see how terrible people are, and how good they are. You're one of the good ones.

Think of yourself like that... you're a catch and he lost you.
There will be other relationships.
Now bust that fear and full steam ahead. Do it for yourself.

Maybe work on your 'guy picker' with your therapist, but this crap-sandwich you have right now won't be around long and you'll be in the sunny days again soon enough. The sooner you start, the sooner it will be over.


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## DownByTheRiver

Lady Abandoned said:


> Definite fear but more of being alone. I've already moved out and I'm making it okay financially. It's harder of course, but I'm proud that I'm doing it. But with this not being my first failed marriage... I know in my heart I'll never be married again... Not having a support system at all... Yeah thats just a lot. I know for sure the abandonment drives me. I'm hoping that therapy will put me in a place where it doesn't drive my decisions but I'm scared of what that looks like... If I'll be the lonely old lady that nobody cares about.
> I just recently started with the counseling. But I know that right now the fear keeps me frozen in place.


You might not always be alone, and you should right now maybe think about if there's any way to meet friends who aren't guys. If you were in one place and kind of stayed there then you probably start making friends with neighbors and feel you had a little support.


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## Openminded

The truth is marriage is no guarantee you won’t be the lonely old lady anyway. Don’t stay married trying to dodge that possibility. It doesn’t work.


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## Diana7

Try and build up a support system by getting involved in things. You can only make friends by getting out and meeting people


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## theloveofmylife

Lady Abandoned said:


> I know. It's what I would tell someone else but it's so hard.





Lady Abandoned said:


> I'm a work in progress. Maybe it won't be so hard to let go after i work on me. I hope.


Simply put, the above quotes tell me that it's not the best time for you to be making life altering decisions. 

My best advice is to do your work. Let him do his work. Then, see where things stand.


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## BeyondRepair007

@Lady Abandoned How are you holding up? Any changes or still status quo? Are you ignoring texts or anything to try to wake him up?


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## aine

Lady Abandoned said:


> Hi everyone. I'm new here and going through a LOT. I'm in therapy but I felt i needed more so here I am.
> My husband and I have been together since 2014. We've only been married since 2018. We've both been married before and I was cautious about doing it again so we had many conversations about past hurts and our expectations in marriage. There were promises to each other that we never divorce. We agreed that we would do everything it took to make it work.
> We had no children living with us and then suddenly my 17 year old and his 15 year old both moved in. Our parenting styles are completely different and we had problems in our marriage for a year because of that. He refused counseling and eventually i found out that he was lying about putting the child support he was receiving into our bank account. He was burning through a savings account that i was the only one contributing to he handled all of the bills so i never checked until it was almost gone. I confronted him and he explained that he was preparing to leave me. WTF!? I immediately got my things in order and moved. The betrayal and lack of concern over what I would afford to move was too much.
> Once I moved he kept coming over and broke down begging for reconciliation. I caved with conditions. Marriage counseling, individual therapy for both, I'm keeping my mobile home, he has to find and pay the deposit on property that i will keep if we divorce and my name will be on it. He will not move in with me until that happens. We are not technically together but he's here a lot and we act like it.
> I left the choice of marriage counseling to him and I started my therapy. He's been super slow to get any of his or ours started and he's floored by property prices bc they have gone up a lot here.
> He's a procrastinator in general but I feel like if this was important to him it would be priority. Like... Doesn't it bother him that I'm not living with him? I finally broke down the other day and then stopped responding to any texts for a day and a half and he showed up here in tears begging me not to cut him out. Promising to get going on everything. He started sending my properties he's finding but nothing on counselors.
> My question is... What would you think in this situation? How would you act on it? Would you?


Do NOT take him back. He sounds like a major user, using you for your money. Run run run. Why did his first marriage end?


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## HarryBosch

When my ex wife kicked me to the curb for my transgressions, I never begged, cajoled, cried, or got on my knees to take me back. I knew I needed help, and I knew I needed to help myself. I realize I could never go back to her if the tables were turned and she asked me to come back. I still have a lot to work on... especially the need to help myself.

No one can turn behaviors around that quickly. It's like buying ten Christmas trees for your wife because you know she loves Christmas trees. I know my ex wants a house, but I don't involve myself in her search, because it's going to be her house... I'm not going to be living in it. When you mentioned properties, this is what came to mind.

But to recover anything takes time and effort. A clear indication that he isn't serious is his need to please you to smooth things over versus getting the help he needs and taking steps to get better.. for him. Hiding and lying are faults he needs to see a therapist about. 

I believe in recovery, I think people can change. I also think you should move on. He can change... he just doesn't want to. If you truly love someone, the immediate gratification is knowing they sought the help they needed and took action to change. Admitting you have a problem and taking actions to rectify those problems goes a long way.


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## theloveofmylife

Lady Abandoned said:


> I don't plan on ever marrying again. Dating yes. Marriage no. I feel that i was meant to be a wife so it sucks to look at a future without that.


You have to fix your "picker" even for dating. Pick someone decent, take your time, see what happens. Don't just "never or always" when it comes to important life choices (such as "never" getting married again). You haven't found the right man yet. He may still be out there.


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## aine

HarryBosch said:


> When my ex wife kicked me to the curb for my transgressions, I never begged, cajoled, cried, or got on my knees to take me back. I knew I needed help, and I knew I needed to help myself. I realize I could never go back to her if the tables were turned and she asked me to come back. I still have a lot to work on... especially the need to help myself.
> 
> No one can turn behaviors around that quickly. It's like buying ten Christmas trees for your wife because you know she loves Christmas trees. I know my ex wants a house, but I don't involve myself in her search, because it's going to be her house... I'm not going to be living in it. When you mentioned properties, this is what came to mind.
> 
> But to recover anything takes time and effort. A clear indication that he isn't serious is his need to please you to smooth things over versus getting the help he needs and taking steps to get better.. for him. Hiding and lying are faults he needs to see a therapist about.
> 
> I believe in recovery, I think people can change. I also think you should move on. He can change... he just doesn't want to. If you truly love someone, the immediate gratification is knowing they sought the help they needed and took action to change. Admitting you have a problem and taking actions to rectify those problems goes a long way.


Some people never change
Some people refuse to change for the ones they are with
Some people will change
Some people will change for someone new


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## Marc878

Stop living on hopium. Move on with your life.


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## MattMatt

How are things @Lady Abandoned ?


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## Spoons027

Er, hope she's ok.


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## Works

aine said:


> Some people never change
> Some people refuse to change for the ones they are with
> Some people will change
> Some people will change for someone new


This so true!


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