# How do you deal with confusion?



## StartingAgain (Jun 29, 2011)

First I want to state plainly, I left my husband. been separated exactly 1 month now. I can't quite decide if I even belong in this forum because there are so many people that seem to be the ones going through the painful side of being left. 

Honestly, I keep waiting for someone to kick me out of the club.

Little back story, to help you all decide. I've been married 15 years, have a D8 and D13. I loved my husband very much all of those years. He never cheated, neither did I. 

But we had a LOT of subtle problems. Like downing a bottle of red wine, every night. Sometimes much more on weekends.

Like never going anywhere together as a couple.

Like never finishing a fight or finding any sort of closure to it. Just sweeping it under the rug.

Like sex disappearing, unless I initiated till it became a chore.

Like snarky comments meant to hurt after very little provocation.

I can't tell you how many times I screamed at him in a fight "I'm done. I'm done." And it really didn't mean anything.

Fast forward to today, we are both in counseling, indivudually with the same counselor. Our issues have been broken down and dissected and basically boils down to a very common theme. I over function. He under functions.

There's a lot of additional underlying childhood stuff in there, but it also basically boils down to me saying "I feel used up. I feel drained. I cannot give you anymore of myself. I need to work on me."

It started subtly, I lost weight. To date I have lost 66lbs. Rather than recognize my as an attractive woman, rather than take me to bed and enjoy my new body, he would grumpily state, "You're losing all this weight so you can leave me."

The resentment I had just built up so high till I was unable to swallow it anymore. So I told him I was leaving. I was physically and emotionally exhausted.

He begged. He got angry. He read every book there was on how to save your marriage. But at the same time, he was so angry at me for 'abandoning him' for 'giving up' for doing everything with 'no notice at all' we ripped each other apart verbally.

I got several emails a day. Some were very kind and understanding and some were downright nasty and vicious. It was like being married to a Hyde and Jekyl.

We lived together, with our kids while I worked out trying to find a place to go to. He flirted with women on facebook. He left the house without speaking to me. He went to bed without speaking to me.

In retrospect, I realize today that when I tried to interact with him and say good morning or good night or how was your day, I was looking for some tiny remnant that we could actually survive the conflict. I never at the time considered that he was so hurt and angry at me that expecting small talk to prove to me change or at least acceptance was an unrealistic expectation.

This is becoming very long. And I'm realizing I'm tired and should just go to bed, so I may post more tomorrow.

Bottom line is this. I left. I was so angry and resentful at him I left. And in response to my leaving he got hurtful and angry and we ripped each other apart badly. He's not a saint by far.

Today, I was speaking to my counselor about how I'm realizing maybe he's hurting because he was rejected, and I feel bad that he's hurting, I want to stop hurting him. I considered yesterday that I was making a big mistake. And she reminded me of all the reasons I choose me over we. Good reasons. I've been making so many positive changes in my life. He's not at all ready to be in a healthy relationship. We both need time.

I'm just confused because for the first time in months I gave him some hope that we could work on becoming a we again, someday. And I'm concerned that I shouldn't have yet. I'm concerned if we aren't a we in a week or two, he will turn into Jekyl again.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Tell him this plainly. Please please do it soon. I'm on the other side of this and its brutally hard. My story is in my profile and I am separated a second time.

You are right that you are both hurting, don't know what the right thing to do is, and am trying your best. 

I love my wife more than anything. I've sent her many emails a day, been mad, etc. I cannot tell you how committed I am and how I would do anything to make this work.

Best of luck and God bless.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

And yes, you will both mess up, say mean thing, be angry, etc. Be ready to forgive again. Keep stealing toward the right path even when its hard and months or years away.


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## helphelphelp (Jul 1, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helphelphelp (Jul 1, 2011)

46 days since my stbew did this to me but she kicked me out the house. I did the begging crying manipulating etc. I never once thought bought cheating and never did. She told me from day one just give me space I couldn't give two hours. Now she says the same as you emotional exhausted and tired. I did not see this until two days ago when she said if u love me u will stop. I want divorced. 

I did not show her I would change my selfish behaviors, all I wanted to do is provide a great life for my wife and two year daughter. It was hard for me because I do love my wife and hurt her, same week we closed on brand new home she kicked me out. Her father caused many probems too alcohol and addict he is co dependent in his daughter I felt she only wanted to please him. Then when we woerked things out three weeks ago first night I stayed at the house he broke in drunk and high on many drugs he clubbed me in the head with a metal pipe while I was asleep.I blamed her we both had to tell her over a year ago we wouldn't touch eachother I took that to heart and didn't touch him didn't press charges cause I knew she would have to deal with it. And today is my daughter secound bday and I can't go. She put a add up to rent a room in the house I just got out fam. 

I am advisingg u if u want this to work, you might consider going back before it gets this far. I just tried to show I cared I was wrong
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

StartingAgain said:


> First I want to state plainly, I left my husband. been separated exactly 1 month now. I can't quite decide if I even belong in this forum because there are so many people that seem to be the ones going through the painful side of being left.
> 
> Honestly, I keep waiting for someone to kick me out of the club.


Don't be ridiculous!!! You are hurting just as much as anyone else and will get support on this forum.

I think leaving is almost harder. You are getting the same treatment as the folks who were left, except now you're wrestling with "should I have done that? Should I have done that sooner?", etc. It's no less painful.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

staircase said:


> I think leaving is almost harder. You are getting the same treatment as the folks who were left, except now you're wrestling with "should I have done that? Should I have done that sooner?", etc. It's no less painful.


I wish my H felt bad about it. He doesn't. He has no feelings. 

SA, he might turn into Jekyl again. Feelings are like a roller coaster and he is as confused as you are. Im on the other side of things and one minute I'm omg I love him so much cant believe this is happening, next minute Im wtf how could he do this that a**hole. I wanted to say all the right things to my H so he would like me and want to reconcile, but Im honestly very very hurt and was trying to mask it all just so he would like me again. Jekyl and Hyde is right. 

I know you are hurting in this situation. Something hurt you enough for years to drive you to this point. It is obviously very hard for you. I don't think there is anything wrong with giving some hope if you are being truthful about it, and that's what you genuinely want the outcome to be. I am only saying this because he must know by now that it is going to take a heck of a lot of time and work to get your marriage back. Starting by working on yourselves, which you are already doing.


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