# Where to from here...



## Thandy (May 23, 2017)

Hi all, so i've been a silent member for quite some time now and have learnt a lot here. Sorry for my long story but i really need advice / guidance. 

Im 32 hubby is 33, 3 kids (9, 5 and 10months old), married for 7yrs, together for 14yrs total. We were college sweethearts, everything was just....perfect.
When i was 8months pregnant with our 2nd born 5yrs ago i caught him cheating on me. He had gone to a work "function" and had promised to be home by 9pm, 10pm his fown was off, turns out he was drunk and getting a BJ in his car just a few feet from our house, i walked out, saw his car, thought there was something wrong like he was hijacked or something...boy was i wrong. Even now i still dont have the full story of who the girl was, at first he said it was their work receptionist, i demanded we call her together to verify the story a fee days later, she sounded like she had no idea what i was talking about. Then he changed the story and said it was a random stranger he met at a pub on his way home...that was the last info i got

From that day, i saw him differently. I dont think i can ever forgive him for that. We went to mc but stopped as our schedules were too hectic and the sessions were expensive. So i let it go i guess. Before then he never gave me any reason to think he was cheating...if he was, he was doing a very good job hiding it. Years passed and he convienced me that it was a stupid mistake, i took down my walls and let him in. Atleast once a year since that incident, i would find him chatting to some girl. I have no reason to think he was sleeping with them but it seem he would "befriend" a colleague, at some point i forced him to resign and get a new job as he was in an emotional affair yet he wont admit it was an emotional affair, he just said they were "close friends" and would advice each other of their marriages. Like i said, maybe one a year i would find him being "friends" with a girl, and i would stop it immediately. At some point i would go crazy and call the girl telling her go stay away from him. After my 3rd born was born, my priorities changed, im over calling his "friends", i dont care anymore...i love him but i dont think im in love with him. 

So 2 weeks ago, someone from one my facebook groups posted something about how to hack another fone's whatsapp and get all the messages come to your device. Bear in mind i had no doubts that he was busy or anything, i was just curious about the hacking...and anyway my trust levels have always been around 70%...anyway so i hacked his fown, then forgot it for about a week, so last week wednesday i was at work on lunch break, so i decide let me logon and check his account. He was online with over 20 messages back n forth between him and his female colleague who was on leave at the time. My heart started racing fast, so i scrilled up to where the comms started, and he was the first person who sent the message, he sent her a "Good morning sleeping beauty", she brushed it off, then he was telling her about a car he saw, it seems she's looking for a car to buy so he sent her contact details...then there was a message where he says to her once his company that he's starting up is hiring, he will hire her however he will have a strict policy of mini-skirt fridays and bikini fridays, she laughed it off and said no thanks she wont work there, then there a a message where he asked her what she was doing, her response was she's resding a book and having a glass of wine...my husband's response was "i wish i was there in your flat with you having the wine with you"...when i saw that i almost fainted. I immediately called him and asked who is he chatting to, he said his brother and some guy friends, i asked if he's sure and he said yes, i told him he has 1 more chance and if he lies to me i will leave work immediately and come sort him out at his work, he lied again and didn't admit chatting to the girl. I then started screaming at him over the fown and telling him that i know he's lying and started quoting him. I told him i will be at his work in 20mins he better leave and meet me somewhere else i will embarass him in front of his workplace. We met, he apologized saying he was just being friendly and there's nothing going on. I believe him as the girl kept brushing off his advances but i also believe that if the girl had entertained him, who knows what might have happened. I told him those messages were inappropriate and he admitted and said he would've reacted the same if i had been the one who sent those messages to some guy. We spoke and argued about it a bit more for the following day. I think.

Im ok now, i think, i told him if i ever catch him flirting with someone again, i will also start flirting around...i think i meant it.

Like i said, im over it...i think...but i just feel soo sad for my kids. God knows how much i love this man, but he's just emotionally draining me, he's naturally a moody person although he would never admit it. But just by looking at his face, he 80% of the time looks moody and unapproachable. Sometimes i will be happy to see him after work and he will give me a cold shoulder, and that will then upset me then our evenings will be spoilt as i will not want anything to do with him afterwards. I feel like im using too much energy nurturing his feelings and moods, we both feel like we are walking on eggshelves around each other, but my point is i always feel like he's draining my energy and i could be using that energy to spend time with my kids, but instead he would upset me over something which in return will spoil out evenings. I sometimes wish it was just me and my kids, without having a moody person around, the only think that makes me look forward to the evenings and weekends is seeing my kids...because i never know what mood he will be in. 

Im not a very forgiving person, i have told him i will never forget the incident he did when i was pregnant. Also, he was the perfect boyfriend, but after marriage it seems he changed. The boyfriend he was would've never entertained girls the way he did, if he did entertain them i have never suspected.

2 months ago we went to a free counselling session, i broke down there and had told the counsellor that im not happy in this marriage, that i will be happier if it was just me and my kids, the counsellor convienced me that maybe i rely too much on him to make me happy and that i should start seeking inner happiness, i feel like i cant do that with him around. When we are happy, we are very happy. But when im feeling down, i really feel low, and this is one of those extremely low days.

I dont know what advice im looking for :-(

Sorry for the spelling mistakes, im using my phone and it is 1:14am this side of the world.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You are an amazingly over the top way too forgiving person. You said you are not a forgiving person. That is not true at all. You forgive so much it is incredible. It is unbelievable.

You forgive too much. You also know deep down that you do, I think, and it eats your soul away.

In my opinion you should have shut him down hard when you found out about the very first affair he had in the car outside your house, and never forgiven that until he did a whole lot of work to earn your trust and love again. 

I cannot believe you could have forgiven that so easily as you did. Simply unbelievable. So maybe you really didn't, but still, you certainly didn't make him pay hard enough.

Anyway, you have to decide what you want. We all have opinions.

Opinions are like onions? Lots of layers, and they make you cry?

Never have sex with him again. When EleGirl gets here, follow the 180 rules in her signature, and get rid of your husband. You are better off without him. He does not love you. You are merely an accessory to him.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I have a feeling you've only seen the tip of the iceberg. He's only confessed the things you caught him at. You forgave so easily that he knew he could always get away with it next time. This time, dump him.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@Thandy how is your sex life? Frequency and satisfaction?

Do you spend time alone together after the kids are in bed? Do you talk about things, how you're feeling, what you're thinking? Do you feel you have an intimate connection with your H?

Btw I am not assuming anything here but just want you to talk about you guys as a couple.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with that you are far too forgiving.

You made a mistake here, if you did one random check and find him chatting up some women, it's not just a one time thing. He's doing this all the time. He's been doing it for years.

So you saw what he is doing. You blew up at him. Now he knows that you are watching him so he will just get more careful and take it more underground.

You are married to a serially unfaithful man. He could care less about your feelings. I suggest that you do more snooping and less telling him what you are up to. Watch him for a while. I think you only found the tip of the iceberg.

You should not 'make' your husband stop stalking and having sex with other women. He should just not do it all on his own. You are not his mother. And if he continues to cheat, he's not someone you should be married to.

Here is a thread that has a lot of info about how to get evidence of cheating. I suggest you do some of this stuff. And do not confront him until you have enough evidence that he cannot tell you still things like he did about talking to this woman. When you have enough evidence to prove beyond a doubt that he is doing, come here and talk to us and let us help you develop a plan of action. And only then confront him.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## Thandy (May 23, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> @Thandy how is your sex life? Frequency and satisfaction?
> 
> Do you spend time alone together after the kids are in bed? Do you talk about things, how you're feeling, what you're thinking? Do you feel you have an intimate connection with your H?
> 
> ...


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## Thandy (May 23, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> You are an amazingly over the top way too forgiving person. You said you are not a forgiving person. That is not true at all. You forgive so much it is incredible. It is unbelievable.
> 
> You forgive too much. You also know deep down that you do, I think, and it eats your soul away.
> 
> ...


Maybe I do forgive easily, but what I know is I hold grudges. I suppose he did show remorse with the car pregnancy incident, there was lots of fighting, I exposed him to both our parents, but they basically just said suck it up, no marriage is easy (maybe not in those words but something similar)...and this was both his parents and mine. I had and still have access to all his devices and email password, but I guess he can always find another way to communicate with a 3rd party if he wants. His reason for that car incident was that we were fighting a lot that week and he had a moment of weakness at the work "function". I agree with you that I need to decide what I want, the thing is I know he can make me very happy...so when the happiness is high, it really is, but too often we have the low moments. Hard to swallow that he might love me, I mean I've been with him for almost half my life, so its hard for me to think he doesn't love me...but now I know that a person can change and you can never truly know someone. I agree with you about the no sex, can you believe we were intimate this past weekend although we were fighting...our sex is just too damn good...but yes I know it was not right to be intimate


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## Thandy (May 23, 2017)

Tatsuhiko said:


> I have a feeling you've only seen the tip of the iceberg. He's only confessed the things you caught him at. You forgave so easily that he knew he could always get away with it next time. This time, dump him.


I 100% agree with you that he's only confessed to this I've caught him doing, at this point I cant even safely say he won't befriend another woman again, sucks to be in my shoes, and yes I know its in my hands now...he's just soo different to the man I fell in love with 14yrs ago, but truly when we are happy, its on top of this world...but when we are down...its the worst


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## Thandy (May 23, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> @Thandy how is your sex life? Frequency and satisfaction?
> 
> Do you spend time alone together after the kids are in bed? Do you talk about things, how you're feeling, what you're thinking? Do you feel you have an intimate connection with your H?
> 
> ...


We do spend time together, although sometimes I feel i'm the one who initiates such...i.e. date nights, its been years he arranged them, its always me who does. Can you believe the night before the sms chat thing last week, we had gone on a date night. So he told this colleague friend that I slept most time of the movie...arggg i'm such an idiot.

Our sex life is perfect, he knows all the spots...but I suppose he had 14yrs experience with me right. Plus I loooove sex, I would even think im high drive and he's average...although he hardly turns me down, but 80% of the time im the one who initiates.

Do we talk much...not really, between the kids, he'll either be online with his business thing, or playing on his consoles...he has them all...xbox360, xbox1, ps3, ps4, ps vita


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Your husband is a serial cheat, and he will never stop cheating.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Thandy, sorry you are going through this. Your WH is not the kind of man you should have in your life, you are far too good for him. He has cheated on you when you were pregnant, a ****ty thing to do, he has flirted on the phone, etc. This is what you know, I suspect he has done a lot more and a lot worse.
Your counsellor is right, you need to start living for yourself and your kids, start getting your ducks in a row so to speak.
It is good you hacked his phone but unfortunate that he knows about it, so he will take his activities underground, which makes it harder for you to know what is happening. IMO this is no way to live, i.e. monitoring him.

I would tell him, it is over if he doesn't get his act together. Though I think it is already over, he has no respect for you, for a long time because you keep taking whatever he hands to you, you keep forgiving him. He has sex on tap when he wants it and a wife who does everything for him. He has stopped putting in the effort into your marriage. You have to let him see that that is not acceptable anymore.

1. Start doing the 180 on him, only discuss family/financial matters etc with him, no other communication, no sex, no affection nothing. If he brings it up tell him, you have had enough of his behavior and his cheating and you will not be involved with a cheater
2. Tell your families and friends what he has been up to, expose him and his activities, this kind of exposure can really shine the light on the wayward and the accountability that comes from exposure can be a turning point. Don't tell him you are exposing him. If he is angry about it, tell him you are equally angry about his cheating, and have no responsibility to cover for him
3. In fact what he is doing (texting girls etc) could be seen as sexual harassment if his texts are unwarranted and not reciprocated. He could just text the wrong girl one day and land himself in a heap of trouble.
4. Go and see a lawyer to see what steps you would need to separate of divorce him, you could file initially and see where it takes you. He would have to bend over backwards to make things better, if he doesn't do that or doesn't want to then you know the marriage is over.
5. Are you working? If so start putting aside money for yourself for the future.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

It sounds as though the OP has decided that the steady diet of **** sandwiches her serial cheating husband has been serving up to her for *YEARS* is acceptable - because the occasional 'good times' apparently make up for all of the bad.

I guess everyone has their own personal limit.

You'll know when you've reached your limit, Thandy.


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## Thandy (May 23, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> I agree with that you are far too forgiving.
> 
> You made a mistake here, if you did one random check and find him chatting up some women, it's not just a one time thing. He's doing this all the time. He's been doing it for years.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the suggestions, i shall definately look into them. I never imagined i would be living this life of snooping and doubt and mistrust, but it is what it is. 
I do believe he's been doing God knows what all these years behind my back, im not naive into thinking the only times he went behind my back are the times i caught him...its tough but the truth is indeed hard to swallow. I also dont think he knows boundaries when it comes to other woman, he claims he was just being nice and me having a problem with him being nice to other females, im trying to change him...it upsets me to think he thinks that less of me and would rather play mr-flirty-nice-guy and he expects me to roll with it. Thinking back, i hate the fact that i would beg and force him to stop chatting to these woman...i think this really is the end, i just need the courage as he's good with words and i need to be adamant about it


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## Thandy (May 23, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It sounds as though the OP has decided that the steady diet of **** sandwiches her serial cheating husband has been serving up to her for *YEARS* is acceptable - because the occasional 'good times' apparently make up for all of the bad.
> 
> I guess everyone has their own personal limit.
> 
> You'll know when you've reached your limit, Thandy.


That's hard to swallow as i do see a lot of truth in what you're saying


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Just remember every time he is good with words with you...

He is also good with words with a lot of other women.


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