# Husband's sexdrive "schedule"



## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

hello everyone,

I just joined this forum because I have problems in my marriage which really bothers me. it's going on quite a while and I gave up the hope that things will change.

my husband and I are 42 years old, we have (step) children between 18 years down to 1 year. we both take care of ourselves and have a good living. 

I never told my husband "no" when it comes to sex. we treat each other good, have barely arguments. our life is normal busy and never boring. 

our marriage is pretty good except that I don't trust my husband when it comes to the term faithfulness and our sex life.
we didn't tell each other "I love you" since almost 2 years. that bothers me so much. I told him that, but it didn't change a thing.

I wanted to know from men if this is a normal behavior if my husband has sex with me every 2-3 weeks. 
it start off like this: he approaches me...wanting sex which he joyfully gets. we then have 2-3 times sex a day for about 2-3 days in a row just for him to stop it almost another 2 weeks. it seems he then avoids having sex with me. this confuses me. he also get on distance and I feel not welcomed. he do approach me during the daytime when I am busy, gives me kiss and clap on the behind, but that's it. 

I already asked him why this is.... seems he has a sexdrive "schedule". I would like to have more often sex or at least on a regular basic. 
he has excuses or even blames me which is just manipulation. I asked him if he does masturbate or other things. he says no. I don't believe that. I don't think he has an affair, he would not have the time. but still, something seems off to me. or is it just me overthinking? I don't want to talk to him anymore about this subject because too much talking about this kills more than it actually helps. is kind of awkward. 


I hope men will help me to get a clue. 



SA2017


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

SA2017:
my answer to your post is only a reflection of my dealings with my wife and in observance of my experiences, please keep this in mind. My answer may not be what your husband is experiencing but it is what I am/was experiencing.

I will start by saying that I have been with my wife since high school and we recently shared our 30th anniversary. I will also mention (just in case it has any bearing) I call her my wife but really we are common law. We have 2 sons, one 14 and the other 23.

So anyway my story. My wife ran into medical issues a number of years ago and her life has essentially been one medical issue after another for the last 12 years or so. I've stood by her side and nursed her back to health a number of times. As is so often the case in many marriages I felt a distance growing between us on the physical side of our relationship and there was no question that part of our marriage was getting very stale.

I worked very hard to try to bring it back with a number of things but for the most part everything was ineffective. I would guess at that point we were have sex about once a month at the most. I had taken on the approach that seduction started at the breakfast table and if I wanted her to be a little more passionate at night I had to show her some attention and passion during the day. My campaign lasted about 2 years. I ramped up the romance, tried to be more engaged in her interests, help around the house more. I tried to spice things up in the bedroom and had a couple of discussions with her regarding my fear that we needed to try to kick start things or we would continue going down a path that ended in divorce. None of this helped.

Eventually I got tired of trying so I stopped. I noticed that every time I tried to be romantic during the day she would end up picking a fight with me. I later came to realize that she was doing this to avoid me having any expectations when we went to bed that night. Well she got what she wanted and I stopped having expectations. I was already checked out by then and mentally preparing myself for leaving. She eventually caught on to my disengagement and started to realize where we were at. We had a heart to heart talk about it and she finally revealed to me that she didn't like sex anymore because it was painful. After her hysterectomy sent her into an early menopause she started having difficulty but thought she was protecting my feeling by not telling me this.

She eventually got put on hormone replacement therapy which helped her with her sex drive and the discomfort of sex. Unfortunately though, the damage was already done. I spent so many years of feeling rejected and undesirable that I became quite resentful about all of it. I spent years thinking that I was some kind of hideous troll and even my wife found me repulsive. The only sex that I got for years was duty sex that she undertook with all the passion of doing dishes.

To this day I still carry this feeling of rejection and even though she has explained what was really going on it doesn't undo the years of feeling inadequate and undesired. I tell you all these things to get to where we are now. There are times that I start to think about those feelings and those rejections and I decide I'm not going to chase her and leave myself feeling like I have to force myself on my own wife, so I don't. I don't initiate and I don't try to seduce her, I just wait to see if she will take the bull be the horns. I want to know if she will initiate. I want to know if she desires me and wants to engage in physical activities or if she is quite content to not have me forcing myself on her. So I stop initiating and I wait to see how long it will take before she comes to me looking for sex.

In these cases I usually find myself waiting for 3-4 weeks until I either finally give up, or on the very rare occasion she actually initiates some activity. Once the stand off is broken we will usually do it 3 or 4 times in the next couple days and then it goes back into a stand off again. Once the ice is Broken we go into hyper bonding mode because for a little while I forget about my feelings of rejection and I feel wanted and desired. and with this feeling comes an intimacy that I want very much to keep alive. But unfortunately after a few days of that it becomes obvious that it is more of a chore to her than an act of love or need or desire at which point we go back to the stand off routine.

Now I prefaced this reply with the point that this is my story, not necessarily yours as what you are going through may be something entirely different. The point that I wanted to make in all of this is that although the whole world thinks that men are just dirty dogs looking for a hole to stuff it is important to understand that If your husband isn't feeling connected to you emotionally or if he feels rejected by you for some reason it will play a role in your sex life, and if those feelings are causing a cyclical problem in your relationship you will need to get to the bottom of it or it will never get better. My situation has never gotten better and I'm still living with one foot out the door. I love my wife and that is the reason I'm still there, because I don't want to hurt her but still feel like I could leave tomorrow and be happier for it.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

thank you very much for your insight. we are married for 3 years only. I have trust issues because I caught him sexting with multiple women and I try to recoup from this since then. I never turned him down and I do enjoy the sex. he know it's not just a chore for me. 

I absolutely can relate this situation what you wrote...

"...Once the ice is Broken we go into hyper bonding mode because for a little while I forget about my feelings of rejection and I feel wanted and desired. and with this feeling comes an intimacy that I want very much to keep alive. ''

this is how I feel...I feel good about us, I forget the misery and trust issues ...until he build up this unspoken wall again for the next 2-3 weeks. he exactly knows my buttons to push in order to have his peace from me. it's a bad circle. when he distance from me, my trust issues kicks in and I start to question him and his motives. I wonder what is he doing behind my back. I wonder how he can go without sex so long, but then again he can have 3 times sex a day when he is back on his "schedule". this confuses me and turns me off emotionally. I don't know where this is going to. I don't even talk about it anymore because is getting awkward. 

when he approaches me (I guess you call it setting the mood for the night), I was always smiling and I responded well. I did ask him if I should change something, but he told me that everything is fine....which I believe it is a lie anyway. what he says doesn't match up what he actually does. so I am all confused and I am getting more and more upset. right now we on this week 2 sexless track again . I feel like he is playing games. I just hate it. 






bankshot1993 said:


> SA2017:
> my answer to your post is only a reflection of my dealings with my wife and in observance of my experiences, please keep this in mind. My answer may not be what your husband is experiencing but it is what I am/was experiencing.
> 
> I will start by saying that I have been with my wife since high school and we recently shared our 30th anniversary. I will also mention (just in case it has any bearing) I call her my wife but really we are common law. We have 2 sons, one 14 and the other 23.
> ...


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Is he controlling? 

Also, what happens when you approach him for sex? You mentioned:



> we then have 2-3 times sex a day for about 2-3 days in a row just for him to stop it almost another 2 weeks.


So during this 2 week period, is he rejecting you (which could further confirm him being controlling) or are you waiting for him to initiate again?


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

controlling like how? I would say no. but he can be manipulating. I think there is a difference? Or maybe I am just too confused to tell? 

he has that gift to build a wall between us so that I don't even try to get things started. Is very hard to explain. but there is no mood or situation coming up for me to feel the desire to start sex. in this time- out phase he make sure he falls asleep before me or he get up before me and gets busy otherwise. or he looks straight in his cellphone and seeing him like this is a big turn off for me. and he knows that, because we talked about this a thousand times. I feel he does this on purpose. Is seems to me he hurt my feelings on purpose so I don't even have the desire to create intimacy. He do know how to feed my insecurities and trust issues. he do know what I don't like and what actions turns me off for a little while. 





EllisRedding said:


> Is he controlling?
> 
> Also, what happens when you approach him for sex? You mentioned:
> 
> ...


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

SA2017 said:


> controlling like how? I would say no. but he can be manipulating. I think there is a difference? Or maybe I am just too confused to tell?
> 
> he has that gift to build a wall between us so that I don't even try to get things started. Is very hard to explain. but there is no mood or situation coming up for me to feel the desire to start sex. in this time- out phase he make sure he falls asleep before me or he get up before me and gets busy otherwise. or he looks straight in his cellphone and seeing him like this is a big turn off for me. and he knows that, because we talked about this a thousand times. I feel he does this on purpose. Is seems to me he hurt my feelings on purpose so I don't even have the desire to create intimacy. He do know how to feed my insecurities and trust issues. he do know what I don't like and what actions turns me off for a little while.


I think controlling and manipulating fall into the same category here. He is controlling your sex life. You guys have sex basically when he says it is ok. From what you are saying, he knows exactly what he needs to do to set you off, hit your insecurities, and has no issues doing that.

How do you think he would act if you did try to initiate something during this period?


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

but why? why would he do that? it destroys our marriage slowly but surely. when I tried to address it he would deny it or even twist things around so that I think I am just overthinking it, but I know I am not. It's like a never ending circle and I don't know why. 

yes, there have been a few times when I tried to at least getting close to him....like cuddling or getting hugs. but it's just me then. very humiliating. I literally leave him alone then. waiting on him when he get back at me. and when he gets back at me I am all in and we have a emotional high way ride for about 2-3 days. 

sometimes I get pretty moody and sad because of this rollercoaster , then he make me gifts. 

I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to address this. Because nothing changes when I say something. 




EllisRedding said:


> I think controlling and manipulating fall into the same category here. He is controlling your sex life. You guys have sex basically when he says it is ok. From what you are saying, he knows exactly what he needs to do to set you off, hit your insecurities, and has no issues doing that.
> 
> How do you think he would act if you did try to initiate something during this period?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

SA2017 said:


> but why? why would he do that? it destroys our marriage slowly but surely. when I tried to address it he would deny it or even twist things around so that I think I am just overthinking it, but I know I am not. It's like a never ending circle and I don't know why.
> 
> yes, there have been a few times when I tried to at least getting close to him....like cuddling or getting hugs. but it's just me then. very humiliating. I literally leave him alone then. waiting on him when he get back at me. and when he gets back at me I am all in and we have a emotional high way ride for about 2-3 days.
> 
> ...


Honestly, i cant' answer why. Some people just get off on manipulating or controlling others. Maybe he is trying to damage/end your marriage, but by doing it this way makes it seem like you are the bad guy? Maybe he is just an as$hole?

Have you discussed marriage counseling with him?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

@SA2017

If you and your husband are in your 40's and only married 3 years, here is my best guess at to what may be going on...

It is possible that he is fairly set in his ways sexually speaking, in that he likes to remain independent and in control of himself. Then eventually he looses control of this and has to have it, at which time he becomes sexually receptive to you. 

How can you break this cycle into something less volatile and have more moderation? ...well sexuality generally does not play well when you try to change the rules, so you are probably better off trying to get more volatility until his head spins out if control in a way that is fun and playful. To do this you will need to learn how to embrace his sexual independence when he needs some distance from you and "enhance" that for him. What you will hopefully find is that distance can be very erotic if you have the right attitude and learn to embrace it. 

But how does one make distance into something erotic and enjoyable? Well you said you caught your husband sexting someone didn't you... How about some role play and sext him pretending to be someone else and be playful with him (as in he knows it is you, but just be crazy and playful with him and say stuff you would never say in real life). Then when you are together odds are there may be some extra sparks due to the extra playfulness when you two were apart.

Hope that helps,
Badsanta


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

bankshot1993 said:


> SA2017:
> my answer to your post is only a reflection of my dealings with my wife and in observance of my experiences, please keep this in mind. My answer may not be what your husband is experiencing but it is what I am/was experiencing.
> 
> I will start by saying that I have been with my wife since high school and we recently shared our 30th anniversary. I will also mention (just in case it has any bearing) I call her my wife but really we are common law. We have 2 sons, one 14 and the other 23.
> ...


I hear and read this so much. The worst thing is that it is so easy to fix, instead of watching years of misery and pain go by. Eventually the pain becomes chronic.

Many of my friends have separated because of precisely the same issues you are describing (minus the health issues). 

Communication is the biggest part and then a bit of effort from the wife's side, to maintain some regularity in the man's sex drive schedule, is all it takes to fix it!. (it doesn't need to be sex, especially if it is painful). What a shame.

I think OP however is describing an opposite situation? (where her husband's lack of regularity is confusing her).

Unfortunately I cannot relate to what the problem might be. The only thing I can think of that sometimes work can be stressful and when the mind is focused on something else, it can easily interfere with the sex drive (and then when it is 'unlocked', the mind can go on in this state for a while).
Strange, since it would be more typical for women to experience monthly highs and lows in their sexual drive I would have thought, for cyclical reasons.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

SA2017 said:


> I have trust issues because I caught him sexting with multiple women and I try to recoup from this since then.


Ok so this might be a clue. It is possible he needs "variety" to fulfil his sexual needs. (These things usually don't just "stop" because someone was busted. Quite the contrary.) I don't meant to say that he is cheating on you but I don't think it's totally implausible that he is finding other ways to gratify himself during his "absence" (porn, chatrooms, sexting, whatever they have for men nowadays). unless it's really stress related. But the 'regularity' of his irregularity would point to the former I would have thought.

Try to find the right moment to bring it up in a context so that he understands, that unless he is absolutely honest with you about what is going on, you may not be able to to ever trust him with anything in your relationship. Or that the trust is only getting smaller by the day. If he genuinely cares about you and your relationship, he should be able to talk to you...


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

sometimes I feel the way he gets "tired" of me... like he finds me boring. I am a very serious person with strong faith. I only joke around if the situation allows me to and I have absolutely no other things on my mind. I think, he don't like this. he is the opposite. but he always knew that. I also feel the way that he keeps me on distance for his own entertainment and thrill. 

I start to feel used and unloved. I feel like a pet or toy. it's building up and I simply don't feel like being "playful" towards him. to be honest, I am about to fall out of love and I don't know how to stop this process. he surely did his part and like some one else wrote...he may want to end this marriage but put the blame on me? 

I just don't know how to find out the truth, because he is not telling me the truth. he rather to confuse me than telling me the raw truth. this makes everything so hard and painful.





badsanta said:


> @SA2017
> 
> If you and your husband are in your 40's and only married 3 years, here is my best guess at to what may be going on...
> 
> ...


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

You have been married for 3 years you say yet you have a step child that is 1 year old? Really?


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

NO! this is our child. our oldest kids are stepchildren. 






MrsHolland said:


> You have been married for 3 years you say yet you have a step child that is 1 year old? Really?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SA2017 said:


> sometimes I feel the way he gets "tired" of me... like he finds me boring.


*THAT is the problem (or at least on of them) right there!* If there is one thing that will destroy a man's desire, it is a woman struggling with her own self confidence. 

_But Badsanta, I need to feel that he needs me, and I want to feel him wanting me!_

Ummm no, that is you struggling to be more controlling and less vulnerable. Ironically you can have all those things if you let go and be less controlling and more vulnerable, but do so with the utmost confidence of feeling worthy of being loved.

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

badsanta said:


> *THAT is the problem (or at least on of them) right there!* If there is one thing that will destroy a man's desire, it is a woman struggling with her own self confidence.
> 
> _But Badsanta, I need to feel that he needs me, and I want to feel him wanting me!_
> 
> ...


Wait, how is it her problem? 
Shouldn't he be honest and explain too? 
If he's bored with sex then he SHOULD address it and they can both work on it together. 

What happens if you work on your confidence but you're still rejected? 
Then I guess it's his problem...


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> Honestly, i cant' answer why. Some people just get off on manipulating or controlling others. Maybe he is trying to damage/end your marriage, but by doing it this way makes it seem like you are the bad guy? *Maybe he is just an as$hole?*
> 
> Have you discussed marriage counseling with him?


you say he hasn't said "i love you" in over two years? maybe because he doesn't, or maybe because he doesn't understand what love is.
sounds like the latter to me.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

I asked many times. we had many conversations about it already. he is not honest. he don't tell me the truth. 

I also know that he masturbates (sometimes right beside me in bed when he thinks I am asleep) and I wonder why he does that instead coming to me. is hurtful. And I asked him about this too, but he said he does it not. he is simply lying to me. I am tired to talk about because is getting awkward and I look like one sorry woman. I am now at the point who I just want the truth. to me it feels like there is no solution in sight. 

when I addressed the "I love you" silence, he told me that he loves me but he stopped saying it because I don't believe it anyway. He is using my statement which I said after I caught him checking online on EX's and when he looked up her email address. I then told him, that his actions doesn't line up with his sweet words to me. so he is using this now against me. I feel simply fooled. 


I think after all this is no surprise that I am not very sure and confident about him or what he has to say. I think is a normal process. IF THAT turns him off...oh well...sick mindset, I would say.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

SA2017 said:


> I asked many times. we had many conversations about it already. he is not honest. he don't tell me the truth.
> 
> I also know that he masturbates (sometimes right beside me in bed when he thinks I am asleep) and I wonder why he does that instead coming to me. is hurtful. And I asked him about this too, but he said he does it not. he is simply lying to me. I am tired to talk about because is getting awkward and I look like one sorry woman. I am now at the point who I just want the truth. to me it feels like there is no solution in sight.
> 
> ...


Do you want the truth or do you want your husband to be truthful about everything?

It may sound the same but there is a subtle difference. Maybe start with the former so you know the facts first and it will give you an indication when he's being truthful and when he isn't. I suggest you post or link in the CWI section of the site: there will be lots of advice on how to check his computer's browser history, phone messages, emails etc. As I wrote, if there is history of sexting, then it doesn't usually just go away just because someone gets caught.

If you do find anything, you can use it as a catalyst to have a proper conversation about everything that goes on in his life and tell him exactly what goes on in your head. Unless you give him to understand that it's either the truth or the highroad, I worry you may continue feeling this way.

It sounds like there is a big part in his life that he is either hiding or not sharing. There may be a reason for this.

Also: maybe buy him a good book about lying and what it can do to your life (I am sure there are many).


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

I guess BOTH :| , I want both. I offer both so I would like to have the same respect in return. 

When I caught him, we went to a chaplain for counseling and everything is open to me since then... I have passwords for everything and for all devices. so yes, I do check, and I didn't really find a mess. the last thing I found was when he looked up one of his EXs and her email address. this was 1 year ago. and he had a funny excuse for this. like I said...it's pointless to talk to him ... he twists everything. 

I checked his phone this morning but didn't find anything. but (!) he can be very sneaky and I am aware of that he can simply delete stuff or have secret email accounts that I don't know of.... or using his work computer. I have no complete control or insights. how sad that we are at this point. I envy every wife who has NO worries when it comes to this. Trust is priceless .... mine is gone and will never be 100%. 

I actually told him that our marriage is destroyed because there is no Trust. He took every Joy out of it. 


he don't read books like you recommended. It would just collect dust on the shelve. trust me, I tried to read books with him. he started and then found 1000 ways not to read. 

when I try to start a conversation about our problems, he always (really always) responses with " what did I wrong THIS time?" 






inmyprime said:


> Do you want the truth or do you want your husband to be truthful about everything?
> 
> It may sound the same but there is a subtle difference. Maybe start with the former so you know the facts first and it will give you an indication when he's being truthful and when he isn't. I suggest you post or link in the CWI section of the site: there will be lots of advice on how to check his computer's browser history, phone messages, emails etc. As I wrote, if there is history of sexting, then it doesn't usually just go away just because someone gets caught.
> 
> ...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

His desire for you is insufficient.
His libido is either low or is being siphoned off by other activities [already mentioned by others].
Have his testosterone level checked. If it is normal, he is not horny for you. If it is low, then augmentation will turn him around. But it will also increase the risk of him stepping outside the marriage for gratification.

I see this as a compatibility situation. Aren't most marital problems this? 

You may have to pull the plug on this guy. You are not getting any younger. You have invested three years in this man. Will more years fix the problem?

He sounds like a cheater in training. Soon he will perfect his art.....his fart.

My two cents are tarnished. They sat out in the sun too long.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

yes what you wrote makes sense... is not that easy since we have children and he is the sole provider. 

I really don't think he has a low testosterone level... he never showed any signs of it and like I said...he do masturbate. he is able to have sex whenever he want. I think, the bigger problem is him lying. I don't know how to stop this. how should I address it without him twisting my words? Cheater in training.... you probably right but how do I prove my point when he ask me for proof? 



SunCMars said:


> His desire for you is insufficient.
> His libido is either low or is being siphoned off by other activities [already mentioned by others].
> Have his testosterone level checked. If it is normal, he is not horny for you. If it is low, then augmentation will turn him around. But it will also increase the risk of him stepping outside the marriage for gratification.
> 
> ...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SA2017 said:


> I also know that he masturbates (sometimes right beside me in bed when he thinks I am asleep) and I wonder why he does that instead coming to me. is hurtful. And I asked him about this too, but he said he does it not. he is simply lying to me.
> 
> *I think after all this is no surprise that I am not very sure and confident about him or what he has to say. I think is a normal process. IF THAT turns him off...oh well...sick mindset, I would say.*


Is it normal for a situation like that to destroy your confidence? Yes... Communication and trust are the foundation of any relationship, and without that it seems reasonable to be uncertain about investing more effort into something that could easily fall apart. 

There are 1000 reasons why you husband might be in bed masturbating next to you. Here are a few since these things may help:


For many men an orgasm triggers the release of hormones that are as powerful as taking a valium. If you are a man under a tremendous amount of stress and find yourself unable to sleep, then inducing/forcing an orgasm will help sedate you and get you to sleep. The process of inducing/forcing an orgasm is not necessarily going to be pleasurable.
He could be struggling with ED, finding himself aroused, but without an erection needed for intercourse. 
He could have performance anxiety from something that traumatized him in his past (like having been abused by a much older woman when he was very young), and he is not even aware he was abused due to the positive stigma of all his friends telling how "lucky" he was.
He could have autism and be struggling to communicate his desires.
He may not even be masturbating, but instead he has Rhythmic Motion Disorder during sleep 





Should he be able to communicate exactly what is going on? Hopefully he will! Is that an easy thing for him to do? Not necessarily. 

Should you allow that to destroy your self confidence? The truth is that life is messy and you need to find the strength from within to happily invest yourself knowing you may not get anything in return. If that is not something you are willing to do, then what does it mean to love someone? Does it mean just being with someone because they make you happy...

In my opinion, love is first and foremost being confident in yourself and then sharing that with someone you care about.

Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> *Wait, how is it her problem? *
> Shouldn't he be honest and explain too?
> If he's bored with sex then he SHOULD address it and they can both work on it together.
> 
> ...


You can't love someone and point fingers to determine who to blame when something goes wrong. Love should be unconditional unless someone is abusing you.

But if you have no self confidence you really have to learn to love yourself before you will be able to love others and/or let them love you. 

What happens if you work on your confidence but you're still rejected? No one ever said life is fair. Always prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and expect nothing!

Badsanta


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

badsanta said:


> You can't love someone and point fingers to determine who to blame when something goes wrong. Love should be unconditional unless someone is abusing you.


But love always comes with conditions. That's the problem. It's a contract, marriage is a contract. Terms and conditions apply. 



> But if you have no self confidence you really have to learn to love yourself before you will be able to love others and/or let them love you.


You can have all the confidence in the world and let someone love you, but it doesn't guarantee that they will love you properly back. They might want someone or something else. 



> What happens if you work on your confidence but you're still rejected? No one ever said life is fair. Always prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and expect nothing!
> 
> Badsanta


Except nothing? Not with a contract!


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

SA2017 said:


> but why? why would he do that? it destroys our marriage slowly but surely. when I tried to address it he would deny it or even twist things around so that I think I am just overthinking it, but I know I am not. It's like a never ending circle and I don't know why.


People don't always do things with a conscious purpose. I think some people like to have the upper hand in the relationship. If they can make their partner feel insecure, uncertain, off balance, etc. then they feel more secure themselves. He may believe that if he can keep you guessing about whether or not he really loves you, you will try harder to make him happy and you won't leave him. 

He may be doing this on purpose, because he's an A-hole. But it could also be an unconscious thing he does because he likes how powerful he feels when you feel shut out by him but he doesn't necessarily understand he's doing it.

Of course if you have talked to him about things and he keeps doing them, then at the very least he knows that is upsetting you.

The sexting is VERY concerning though. That IS cheating, IMO. That is not acceptable. I would try to put spyware on his phone to find out what he is up to.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

"we didn't tell each other "I love you" since almost 2 years"

that sounds like your fault. Every day, tell him that 4 times. are you waiting or someone to give you permission or something?


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

it used to be like this, but I stopped when I figured out that he doesn't really responds. now I don't want to start to say it because it doesn't fit our situation. is ice time here. 



Talker67 said:


> "we didn't tell each other "I love you" since almost 2 years"
> 
> that sounds like your fault. Every day, tell him that 4 times. are you waiting or someone to give you permission or something?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> But love always comes with conditions. That's the problem. It's a contract, marriage is a contract. Terms and conditions apply.


Dang it, all our vows were verbal and I forgot to get them in writing! 
@MrsAldi love can be extremely hard to recognize sometimes because it will not stand for injustices or neglect. *But even when love is unrecognizable it remains patient. *


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SA2017 said:


> it used to be like this, but I stopped when I figured out that he doesn't really responds. now I don't want to start to say it because it doesn't fit our situation. *is ice time here.*


Say it and help start breaking away the ice!

Even if you don't mean it yet, you can tell him you want to love him again...


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

no. I don't want to. I don't say things when I don't mean it , so I might as well just don't say it. 

I am more trying to figure out how I bring up a grown up conversation about the issues WITHOUT him twisting everything around or denying/ lying?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SA2017 said:


> no. I don't want to. I don't say things when I don't mean it , so I might as well just don't say it.
> 
> I am more trying to figure out how I bring up a grown up conversation about the issues WITHOUT him twisting everything around or denying/ lying?


Then tell him you don't love him and that it hurts you to feel that way. As much as that may hurt him, it is better than avoiding to say that you love him when you don't mean it.

A grown up conversation should follow because he can not hide your own feelings from you. He will realize (hopefully) that his behavior is hurting you and that SOMETHING has to change. This will hopefully give you two a new starting point to work on things.

If you can't bring yourself to say this to him, then it is because you care about him too much to hurt him... at the expense of hurting yourself in the process. 

Badsanta


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

SA2017 said:


> no. I don't want to. I don't say things when I don't mean it , so I might as well just don't say it.
> 
> 
> 
> I am more trying to figure out how I bring up a grown up conversation about the issues WITHOUT him twisting everything around or denying/ lying?




Yes you probably need a catalyst and preferably something tangible (you think he's lying: try to get some kind of proof or catch him in the act of lying.)
If he knows you have all his passwords then he obviously won't be using any of the devices that you have passwords for.
Or if you can't get proof (but you are absolutely sure that he's being dishonest) it might be enough to say that unless he's absolutely honest with you, you will have to leave. (And you have to be prepared to leave).
It doesn't sound like the worst option anyway, given how you are describing the situation and how you seem to be feeling about him.
Sorry it has come to this and good luck.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

that doesn't work with him. he will either take it as a threat or he will turn it around and use it against me. he is a master in twisting words. that's why I come across all confused here.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

SA2017 said:


> that doesn't work with him. he will either take it as a threat or he will turn it around and use it against me. he is a master in twisting words. that's why I come across all confused here.




Which part doesn't work? Slapping him with proof or leaving him?
If he doesn't care about you leaving him then he doesn't care about you. And in this case it is perhaps time you figure out how to "exit" gracefully.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

we had this conversations a few times. he don't want me to leave. but he things doesn't change either! 
it doesn't work to tell him that I don't love him, he would see this as a threat.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Husband's sexdrive &quot;schedule&quot;*

That's not something that should be up to him? (Whether you leave him or not).
I guess in these instances women will wait till they find an exit partner, which also doesn't seem right. (I'm just thinking out loud, I don't mean to imply that this is something you are planning to do. Just that relationship dynamics is a very complex issue and this is a bit of a struggle for control & power here).


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

If you being honest leads to him pulling away, and then you have to chase him to regain connection, this is a very unhealthy dynamic for you. It is OK for someone to pull away when you say something truthful that hurts them, but they should be the one to initiate reconnection. As a sign that they missed you and did not like being distant. If someone pulls away and doesn't return, then they don't care about you all that much, and long term you are well rid of them.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

*Re: Husband's sexdrive &quot;schedule&quot;*

OH NOT FOR ME.... if this marriage doesn't work I remain single afterwards until God calls me home. that's it then. honestly....men these days are messed up. I know, not all, but the most. I am done to put up with selfishness, lust and lies. so no, no exit-partner for me. 







inmyprime said:


> That's not something that should be up to him? (Whether you leave him or not).
> I guess in these instances women will wait till they find an exit partner, which also doesn't seem right. (I'm just thinking out loud, I don't mean to imply that this is something you are planning to do. Just that relationship dynamics is a very complex issue and this is a bit of a struggle for control & power here).
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Re: Husband's sexdrive &quot;schedule&quot;*



SA2017 said:


> OH NOT FOR ME.... if this marriage doesn't work I remain single afterwards until God calls me home. that's it then. honestly....men these days are messed up. I know, not all, but the most. I am done to put up with selfishness, lust and lies. *so no, no exit-partner for me.*


*
...at least consider a rescue puppy* as they are always happy to see you when you get home!










Best part, you can get one today without even having to leave your husband and deal with him claiming you are threatening him...

All joking aside, pets do make for awesome therapy for those in need of a hug!

Regards,
Badsanta


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