# Hubby has a new female friend



## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Hey y'all,

Thought I'd post here again since al the advice I got last time was great stuff.

So, my husband is from a different and more flirtatious culture than mine. We've had trust issues for a long time because of a minor online emotional affair he had with his incredibly low-self-esteem best friend while we were dating.

Well, since then we've been to couples counseling about my unwillingness to fully trust him again. And he moved abroad (away from that b*otch to marry me and live in Texas. He has made a few new friends of his own, but none of them are from his home culture. A few weeks ago he told me he saw this girl on his bus and at his gym speaking his language (very rare around here), but he didn't say anything because he didn't want her to think he was hitting on her. Well, by the fifth time he'd run into her, he decided to say hi and exchange business cards. 

Last night he told me they would go to lunch together today and it's been eating me up! Their offices are in the same neighborhood, so he said it's convenient and this way, he can see if she's boring or annoying before he bothers inviting her over to our house. He ended up having a good time with her and invited her to a casual, big party we're going to this weekend.

I am having a hard time with this because with the emotional affair he had with his former best friend, I had no idea because we would all hang out together all the time. I just can't let that part of his past behavior go--I can't be open and accepting of new female friends he makes and wants to introduce me to. 

At the same time, I don't want to cut him off from his home culture when he has no friends of that background here. And I do want to trust him.

Anyone have any advice?  Thank y'all.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

At least he's telling you. You'll have to set some rules. She's welcome to come over - for now - as long as YOU are there, too. No time outside of your company.


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Yeah you're right Turnera! 

I did tell him I was disappointed he didn't include me in his initial plans, because we agreed in counseling that the best way for me to learn to trust him with females from his country is to make friends *together* with a new one. He said he would make sure I was included on the next hang-out.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Uh....yikes. 
Sounds like an affair waiting to happen.

They ought not to be meeting alone for anything lunch, chats, walks.

There is no way you can police him and control what he ultimately does but you could possibly request he not have any sort of relationship with her. At the same time, hopefully you can go to his work and meet him for lunch and step up your togetherness quite a bit to FILL HIS CUP of attention and love to make her less tempting to be friends with.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

He shouldn't be meeting her for lunch without you there, that is practically a date. 

Tell him thanks, but that you are a big girl and don't need him to check out if someone is boring before being invited to the house. 

I can see how you would want him to have friends from his culture, but it needs to be friends the two of you make together.

I personally don't have a problem with male and female being friends, I think I have stated before on the forum that my best friend is male. But we have been friends since we were teenagers. We are more like brother and sister really. It's not as if I just met a new guy after I was married and started going out on lunch dates with him. 

On the other hand give the girl a chance and maybe the two of you can be friends as well. But you need to put your foot down with your husband and tell him lunch dates with other women is a no-no for a married man.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Exactly. He simply cannot do this. Methinks he is giving you just enough so he can paint you as the bad guy if he gets caught (I told you you could come...) while he does what he wants.


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Thanks y'all. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt since he has been open with me about stuff. I came home from work and noticed he smelled like his cologne he almost never wears and I asked him about it. He kinda blew up at me and said he wasn't wearing any. So of course I stormed off and left the house for three hours. He started getting worried about me, and by the time I came home he apologized for yelling and said he felt like he was being accused when I asked him that. I haven't really spoken to him since, and left the house this morning without saying goodbye.

(Granted, he said the woman he was meeting works for a bank where he has been trying to get a job for years--he said he did want to make a good impression on her and that's why he wore the cologne).

My marriage is really important to me and I feel really lost. I can't tell if this is a harmless cultural difference between me and my husband who has no friends of his culture here (I used to live in his culture without American friends... it sucked), or something I need to be truly concerned about. He hasn't given me any indication of being unhappy in our marriage.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

newwife07 said:


> Thanks y'all. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt since he has been open with me about stuff. I came home from work and noticed he smelled like his cologne he almost never wears and I asked him about it. He kinda blew up at me and said he wasn't wearing any. So of course I stormed off and left the house for three hours. He started getting worried about me, and by the time I came home he apologized for yelling and said he felt like he was being accused when I asked him that. I haven't really spoken to him since, and left the house this morning without saying goodbye.
> 
> (Granted, he said the woman he was meeting works for a bank where he has been trying to get a job for years--he said he did want to make a good impression on her and that's why he wore the cologne).
> 
> My marriage is really important to me and I feel really lost. I can't tell if this is a harmless cultural difference between me and my husband who has no friends of his culture here (I used to live in his culture without American friends... it sucked), or something I need to be truly concerned about. He hasn't given me any indication of being unhappy in our marriage.


He needs to choose you over this "friend". I'm sure he could find a male friend of his culture if he desires.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

newwife07 said:


> Thanks y'all. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt since he has been open with me about stuff. I came home from work and noticed he smelled like his cologne he almost never wears and I asked him about it. He kinda blew up at me and said he wasn't wearing any. So of course I stormed off and left the house for three hours. He started getting worried about me, and by the time I came home he apologized for yelling and said he felt like he was being accused when I asked him that. I haven't really spoken to him since, and left the house this morning without saying goodbye.
> 
> (Granted, he said the woman he was meeting works for a bank where he has been trying to get a job for years--he said he did want to make a good impression on her and that's why he wore the cologne).
> 
> My marriage is really important to me and I feel really lost. I can't tell if this is a harmless cultural difference between me and my husband who has no friends of his culture here (I used to live in his culture without American friends... it sucked), or something I need to be truly concerned about. He hasn't given me any indication of being unhappy in our marriage.


Okay, storming off and leaving for three hours wasn't the most mature way to handle the situation (unless you felt physically threatened) . But on the other hand why did he feel accused just for asking about the cologne? He shouldn't feel accused if all you did was ask why he was wearing cologne. 

If he hasn't given any indication of being unhappy in your marriage then trust that for now. But just keep your eyes open.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I agree that he should be able to have a friend that he can connect with culturally. However, one of the opposite sex is risky. He should not see her without you present.

Oh, and he yelled at you about the cologne because he was guilty.
Don't let them go to lunch without you. Ever.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Part of the job of a married man and woman is to make the other feel secure. It isnt possible when they have friends they see alone of the opposite sex. Why would he want you to feel the way you do?


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

I got a new job with a big salary increase a week ago and he makes $20k less than me. I have a feeling this has something to do with it, not that it's an excuse for his idiotic and insensitive behavior.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What seems to be missing is more honest dialogue. Ramp up the conversations and make sure that most of the conversations are non-threatening, safe things to talk about. Grease the wheels. So that when you do talk about the relationship, it's not a hardship. Many of the things you say he said are clear indicators of him at least THINKING of having something there.

You also need to make it clear he understands how EAs develop. NObody goes into one thinking they are doing anything wrong. It is the time spent together that does it; enough time passes, and you have a 'connection' no one can deny and is 'meant to be.' Too late by then. Explain to him that she's welcome to come over whenever you're home, that people of the opposite sex simply cannot be friends, alone. Tell him that if he needs to be friends with her alone more than he needs to be married to you, he's welcome to choose that path, but that you cannot stay married to someone who will not honor that basic tenet of marriage. (at least American marriage)

You also need to take a good hard look at your marriage and make sure you are not Love Busting him and you are meeting all his Emotional Needs (see marriagebuilders.com or the book His Needs Her Needs for this info), and that you two are spending 10-15 hours a week together doing marriage-nourishing things together. Give him a REASON to choose you over her.

You keep bringing up he has no one of his culture. You are going to HAVE to do something about this if you want your marriage to survive. Go out and find organizations he can join or make friends and invite them over. Do something!

And sit down and help him look for other work. You do NOT want him working with her!


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

You're right  

I was just reading this article about what causes divorce (in terms of communication) and we've had all four going on between us:

The Art of Intimacy: Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - John Gottman Research

I just wish men wouldn't do such asinine things!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you mind if I ask what culture he is from? I wonder if it's a culture that devalues women, such that he simply doesn't think he HAS to put you first? For instance, I know a family from India in which the women simply don't have the right to expect fidelity from their husbands. And the older son has the right to (and has) keep his younger brother from marrying and/or having children before HE does. The sisters don't even count.


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