# I am getting to the point of just stupid!!!



## Crashandburn (Dec 11, 2012)

Ok, need advice here. I have never been jealous of anyone being around my wife or anything she does. Now I find myself concerned and jealous over the dumbest [email protected]!!

We have been talking a lot about her EA. One of the things that came up was she had bought a beyond sexy outfit, took pictures of herelf and sent them to the other guy. The outfit was one of the things I had found hiden that triggered me to look more into things and discovered the EA was going on. A few months later I found the outfit again in the closet and had to tell her to throw it away. When I asked why she kept it and why I had to ask to throw it away she said it was a reminder of a time when she felt special and wanted.

I was playing with her Kindle and noticed she was reading a bunch of what I consider sexual fantasy books. I also saw on her history was visiting Adam and Eve website looking at sex toys and not saying a word to me.

With her words ringing in my ear that someone else had to make her feel special and then seeing the books she is reading along with stuff she is looking at, I feel like I have zero to offer my wife.

Am I just being a total idiot and over reading into things? I have said this before, I have always thought I had the greatest woman in the world for me. I always thought I let her know this but with everything that has happened I know I seriously failed at letting her know this. I feel like I am just being beyond stupid and petty about things I shouldn't be. Anyone have any ideas how the hell I can get out of this hole I am stuck in and honestly move forward??


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Don't have her throw it away...ask her to wear it for you! OK, bad idea...
Go pick one out for her and have her wear it for you so she can feel that way.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Your WW was wrong to keep that outfit. You were 100% right to have her throw it away.

No if you want to recover your marriage you need to find out the whole truth about her affair.

Also you have to learn how to recover a marriage. Get the book Surviving An Affair, and His Needs Her Needs, both by Dr Harley.


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

So let me get this straight: you are feeling like you are being silly for not trusting her because she has always been the loyal and faithful wife you expected her to be, right? Uh not really, you don't trust her because she was f'ing around with someone else. And for her to make a comment that associated her "feeling special" and keeping reminders of that special feeling that were directly connected to her cheating on you is cruel and shows she has no idea what she has done. She should have got rid of anything that you would associate to her cheating without you even asking about it.

I think you are dealing with someone that has yet to come to terms with what she did and SHE needs to make adjustments, not you.

My cheating wife sent a picture of her and my daughter that I took of them. So I understand how any of those types of connections can be really troubling. She needs to get rid of any picture she sent asshat without being asked.


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

And to expand on what the road said, based on her behaviour i would bet almost anything you haven't gotten the full story.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

You will not be able to get out of the hole until your wife starts to open up to you about her EA. It sounds like she may not be totally over it.

My wife's reading became ALL about fantasy - I didn't pay attention - but after we separated, I noticed that ALL of her books were about woman "finding" themselves via affairs, cheating, etc. She also started watching a lot of internet porn, believe it or not.

You have to believe that it is NOT because of you. It is your wife's problem. EA's are very, very damaging to a relationship because they sap all the emotional energy from a relationship. Energy that SHOULD have been devoted to repairing or bonding as a married couple. 

I know that I was 50% responsible for getting my marriage to a point where my wife felt emotionally disconnected - what marriage doesn't go through ups and downs? But I know that it was not my fault that my wife sought solutions outside of our marriage. Then she started dreaming of a fantasy world where the grass is always greener. She's still in this fantasy even after separating. IF she had devoted even half the energy she devoted to her EA (which became a PA) then our marriage would have thrived. I KNOW this. 

So instead of feeling like you have zero to offer your wife, start to ask yourself what SHE is offering you. Trust? The safety of a secure relationship? A future together? Ask yourself these questions, then decide if you want to reconcile.


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## Crashandburn (Dec 11, 2012)

Indy, not a chance in hell I would want to see her in something she bought for another man. That would do nothing but cause problems for me.

As for her telling me the truth on the questions I ask, I don't think she is trying to be hurtful. I think she is telling me the truth even if it does hurt. And that is what i am asking from him, no matter how it makes me feel I want to know the truth of this.

My wife is on here and I think she is remorseful and being honest about things. Its just me at this point of how do I deal with things that never would have bothered me before? 

Things that bother me, I know way to much about this guy. I know he makes a very good living, lives in a very nice house in a gated community, has the nice cars, the college degree, the trophy wife and daughter. What people would look at as the perfect life. Me on the other hand, struggling to make a living, can't work any more because I am disabled, pretty much the broken down second hand lion.

When I see her reading these books and looking at things its just a honest reminder I am no longer anything ANY woman would want. I find myself being jealous and being petty over the dumbest ****. And I know if I don't stop this I will drive her away and I will lose everything I care about and love. I just have no idea on what to do to get out of this hole I have dug for myself.


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## firedog1 (Sep 17, 2012)

Crashandburn said:


> Ok, need advice here. I have never been jealous of anyone being around my wife or anything she does. Now I find myself concerned and jealous over the dumbest [email protected]!!
> 
> We have been talking a lot about her EA. One of the things that came up was she had bought a beyond sexy outfit, took pictures of herelf and sent them to the other guy. The outfit was one of the things I had found hiden that triggered me to look more into things and discovered the EA was going on. A few months later I found the outfit again in the closet and had to tell her to throw it away. When I asked why she kept it and why I had to ask to throw it away she said it was a reminder of a time when she felt special and wanted.
> 
> ...


I had to look at the posters name to see if I wrote this. lol
100% of what my wife has put me through! Two months and I still hurt. Main thing is I KNOW it was NOT MY FAULT! Most women would KILL to have what I have given her! I just live DAY by DAY!


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Crashandburn said:


> Indy, not a chance in hell I would want to see her in something she bought for another man. That would do nothing but cause problems for me.
> 
> As for her telling me the truth on the questions I ask, I don't think she is trying to be hurtful. I think she is telling me the truth even if it does hurt. And that is what i am asking from him, no matter how it makes me feel I want to know the truth of this.
> 
> ...


What exactly do you see as what a woman wants that you cannot give her? I'm finding it hard to see what you might be lacking. You are diabled according to some government standard, not your wife's or any other owman's standard. You aren't useless right? You are struggling to make ends meet. So. Join the damned club. There's a whole country along for that ride. You say this guy has a good job, makes a good living, has a trophy wife etc. So why did he cheat? Maybe his so called perfect life isn't so perfect? You are looking to be just like him? Really?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I think that she was wrong to keep the outfit and say that to you. It needs to get tossed in the trash.

But regarding the other things - the sex toys, etc, why not join her in this interest? Take this as a sign she wants to explore some adventurous things, and have fun with it. On that front, I would relax a bit and make an effort to satisfy her curiosities.


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## Crashandburn (Dec 11, 2012)

What do I see that a woman wants?? This is just my opinion, may not be right but its my opinion.

When we first got married she said she had never had a new car before and would love to have a sports car someday. I took her out and bought her a new Mustang.

We were living in a apartment at the time and she said she wanted to someday be able to live in a house and so on. Told her to go out and pick out a house and we moved. In that house we truely became a family. Our daughters had their own rooms which they had shared before.

She got tired of the the mustang and wanted a Jeep, so she got the Jeep. 

She said she wanted to learn to ride horses and someday own a couple. Well as you can guess we went to riding classes together and I got her her horse.

It was stuff like this that made ME feel good. Being able to give my wife things she had dreamed about her whole life. Our daughters wanted for nothing. I went to work, I busted my ass for my family. To me, this is how life should still be. But because of my back injuries and all the surgeries I can't give this any more. She gets these magazines with these dream houses and always says how she wishes we could have one of them. Not ever going to happen. I can't give her that any more. Its just my opinion that I should be working and bringing home my wifes dreams. Just hard to figure this all out at once.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think describing yourself as a 'second hand lion' is poetic and says so much about what you are feeling about yourself these days. The thing is I think that's how you're feeling about you, not how your W sees you. The OM may have the house and the money, but he's a creep who hit on your W. You're an honorable man with years of dedication to your service and your family in your plus column. This makes you the real man, not him.

Thus, I believe the 'lion' part, but I don't believe the 'second hand' bit. I'd bet that your W doesn't believe it, either.

Regarding the toys: Have you asked your W about them? They could be her attempt to develop more intimacy between you.

Regarding the books: Armies of average, everyday women these days are reading very steamy romance/fantasy novels on their readers. I discovered them recently, much to my shock (!  ), and they have not the slightest bearing on how I feel about my husband, whom I love to distraction.

As for feeling so hurt and suspicious, this must be normal after what you've been through. If you can find some successful strategies to build up your own self-image as you go forward, your reactions should lessen.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

The Adam and eve thing would not bother me as I am a fan of the site. Come to think of it my wife is glad Im a fan too. But now keeping that outfit and making the statement she made about it would be a deal breaker it shows lack of remorse to say the least and danger for further such activity to say the worst.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

The nightie was discovered many months ago no?
I presume the steamy novels are recent correct?

Those types of novels are a type of "soft porn". Nothing really harmful. But I understand your misgivings - it's all due to the pasr EA. I don't think its anything to cause serious concern. It's human nature and part of a healthy sexuality.

As for that "succesful" other guy? You'd be surprised at the troubles he has. 
Remember this expression? "All that glitters is not gold" 

Youare a good and worthy man from what I know of you from what she says and from how you express yourself. Reach into your inner strength and find peace and comfort in your family.


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## Crashandburn (Dec 11, 2012)

Yea, I wasn't really clear that the outfit was thrown out a year ago. We were talking the other night and I brought the subject of it up and asked they question why I had to ask for it to be thrown out and she answered e at how she felt AT THAT TIME. I know it isn't how she feels now. I am just trying to figure out with what I feel now. As for the Adam and Eve part, just not sure why she would be looking and not saying anything. To me I would think that is something she would share with me and we could look together. We did the other night but that was by my suggestion and the whole time she never mentioned she had been looking.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Crashandburn said:


> What do I see that a woman wants?? This is just my opinion, may not be right but its my opinion.
> 
> When we first got married she said she had never had a new car before and would love to have a sports car someday. I took her out and bought her a new Mustang.
> 
> ...


OK, I don't see those things as things that she wanted. Those are things you wanted to give her. But they are just things. Are they really that important? Answer me this. What about you wife do you love. What she does for you or who she is? Do you love her because she brings you coffee? Do you love her because she cooks you dinner? Or are those things she does because she loves you? If she didn't bring you coffee any more would you stop loving her? No, of course not. You love her because of who she is. And she loves you because of who you are. Not for what you can give her.

That said. Why can't you be successful in a different occupation? Are you your (old) job? I don't think so. I've seen your artwork. Its quite impressive. Less than 1/2 of 1% of the people in the world can do what you do. I know tattoo artists that make 6 figures a year and don't have the talent you do. Why can't you have success with your artwork? Personally my friend I think you are selling yourself short big time. You're so busy lamenting what you don't have and can't do that you aren't seeing what is right in front of your face.


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## Crashandburn (Dec 11, 2012)

bfree said:


> That said. Why can't you be successful in a different occupation? Are you your (old) job? I don't think so. I've seen your artwork. Its quite impressive. Less than 1/2 of 1% of the people in the world can do what you do. I know tattoo artists that make 6 figures a year and don't have the talent you do. Why can't you have success with your artwork? Personally my friend I think you are selling yourself short big time. You're so busy lamenting what you don't have and can't do that you aren't seeing what is right in front of your face.


And I think this is where my question really is. There is times I can say what I mean and then others I am a F**King idiot.

This will sound like bragging and its not meant to be. I have always been someone with zero fear of anything. I have NEVER been insecure or jealous. I have climbed to over 14 thousand feet and have done over 6000 dives to to below 230 feet. I have been shot twice and stabbed a few times. I have honestly seen what true nightmares are made of from the worst of humans and to the best humans can be. And as I said, never once did this make me insecure, jealous or dought myself.

I have my tattoo machines but afraid to touch them. I do my artwork and never think its good enough. I am trying to do what is right to fix my marriage and always think I am doing the wrong thing. 

I find myself being jealous over the stupidest things. Books my wife reads, a guy she mentions at work and so on.

I can't figure out if this is normal for what I am going through or is it just me being an idiot. I feel like I trusted myself and proved how wrong I was for doing that. Now I feel like I can't even trust me any more and anything I try will just end in failure.

Is this normal or what???? Just tired of being confused and dealing with stuff I have no idea how to deal with!!!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

"Normal" is a deceptive word. Normal is what we do. 

I tend to think of life and its events as a sine wave. Ups and downs - with varying wavelengths. 

In the last couple years you have: 
ended your career. 
Moved to a new city. 
Undergone major surgery. 
Discovered your wife texting and acting inappropriately with a "successful" other guy. 
Suffered disability
Struggled with a new career
. 
Yeah, you're feeling like everything you do will end in failure. But take heart. The curve have bottomed out after a long wavelength of 'down' now it's time for up. 

You have to realize it. Look around. Your wife is back in full force and your talent is emerging, you have a beautiful baby, things are soon going to be on an upswing.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Crashandburn said:


> Is this normal or what???? Just tired of being confused and dealing with stuff I have no idea how to deal with!!!


The short answer is that it is normal. It's normal to have fears and insecurities and to have to soldier on. Some challenges are much harder than others & some changes in life are much harder to deal with, but we have no choice but to adapt.

I faced a cancer diagnosis when I was too young to be thinking about it & it transformed my world. I became hypochondriacal & paranoid about anything regarding my health or future - bigtime insecurities and fear that I had never known before. But, what was the alternative to getting through it? There was none, really.

So, there's no magic elixir, just going day to day and working toward a better future. The fears decrease with time. Things get more manageable. And at the end there's often a new and better you.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Crashandburn said:


> And I think this is where my question really is. There is times I can say what I mean and then others I am a F**King idiot.
> 
> *You've always been a man right? That's me on a daily basis.*
> 
> ...


Here's how you deal with it. You make yourself the best man you can possibly be. You say you've dealt with nightmare scenarios. This is just another one of those. You've been stabbed and shot. How did you deal with that. This is no different except that its not physical, its mental. Take it as a challenge. You've never backed down from a challenge before right? Don't start now.

I'm going to post a video below. Watch it. I don't expect that you will do what that man did. The point is that you don't give up....EVER!

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=535184355831


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

Crashandburn said:


> I know he makes a very good living, lives in a very nice house in a gated community, has the nice cars, the college degree, the trophy wife and daughter. What people would look at as the perfect life. .


Well, "the life" is not all there is too it. I had "the life" and my wife didn't care. She still had an affair. When it all comes down, it is THE FANTASY, and how they made them feel special. I certainly was not protected by the perfect life that you think your wife was after. It was the fantasy she was after. If her fantasy involved running away with the strongman at the circus, you'd feel this way about circus people. The happy go lucky, freedom, etc., etc. Remember, it was the way he made her feel...


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## Crashandburn (Dec 11, 2012)

Watched the video, thanks. I was there at one time, they gave me a walker and a cane but both went in the trash and I refused to use them ever. 

As for Doc, guess that is one of my biggest questions, 'it was how he made her feel", where did I fail making her feel that way? When she started losing weight and was saying she didn't feel good about herself I always told her I thought she was beautiful and loved her very much. But some how I still failed.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Crashandburn said:


> Watched the video, thanks. I was there at one time, they gave me a walker and a cane but both went in the trash and I refused to use them ever.
> 
> As for Doc, guess that is one of my biggest questions, 'it was how he made her feel", where did I fail making her feel that way? When she started losing weight and was saying she didn't feel good about herself I always told her I thought she was beautiful and loved her very much. But some how I still failed.


You can be the perverbial typical nice guy but not be assertive enough to make her tingle. Sometimes we as men love our wives so much we put them on a pedestal. The problem is that when they're that high up they can't really see us. Think about a woman in a bar. Guys are constantly complimenting them and telling them how pretty they are. They are so used to these "lines" that they are just background noise. They don't hear them. The guy who acts like he is the prize is the one she will want and will end up taking her home. And remember that words are nice but actions get noticed.

I don't know if you are a book guy but these 3 books are invaluable as far as I'm concerned.

The 5 love languages

Everyone has a different way of communicating and receiving information. If you and your wife are speaking different languages your messages won't get through to one another.

His Needs, Her Needs

What do you need from your wife? What does she need from you? If she needs your time and you are giving her affirmations of love you aren't really filling her need. This book will help both of you find out what your primary needs are so that your spouse can meet them. We aren't mind readers!

Married Man Sex Life (not all about sex btw)

You might be the strongest and most alpha guy with other guys but are you a pVssy with your wife? Can you pass her fitness tests? This book gets down to the basics on what women really want and need from their men. In addition to the book there is a website and a forum where enlightened men and women can share what they've learned and things that have already worked for them.

These are the top three books in my opinion. The last book might be the one you get the most out of. I know I did. Check out his forum. Just Google Married Man Sex Life.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

C&B. There is only so much a man can do for their loved one to receive the love, affection, respect etc.. Respect being the big one in my book. But IMHO if my girl bought a slinky, purposefully took a pic and sent it to another, that is intent. If I came across that situation, the dress comes out of the closet, a bottle of lighter fluid in hand and into the backyard for a barbeque. When my better half will do those things her first comment is "I bought this for you" or " I know you like the way my butt looks in this. I am a big fan of communication. Tell her how it makes you feel. What can I do to make you happier? You can't read her mind or get it by osmosis. It has taken me along time to just start to to understand the female of the species. Just when you think you are on the right track "BOOM" 180. Like you brother I have been through a lot of brawls in my work and nothing changes more that looking down the sight of a gun barrel. I have a soft side when it comes to my lady, that's is a given with most guys. But door matt I am not. Myself I have never ever had a EA/PA and never will. I am not wired like that. I know your struggles with emotions when it comes to being on the receiving end of infidelity. I hope you can fight your way through it and communicate with your best friend and try and understand each others needs, wants and expectations. No talky, no worky. Again brother this is all IMHO.


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