# Helping my wife cope with difficulty conceiving



## JoshJiggler (Jan 11, 2016)

First, a little background.


I’m 35 and my wife is 36. We’ve been together for a couple of years now. This is my second marriage, and I have an awesome son who is six years old from my previous marriage. My wife adores my son, and he her, so there are no issues there. The issue is with us trying to conceive, and we’re having difficulties.


I pride myself on trying to be a supportive husband, always there to listen and offer any advice I can to ease her troubles. I just don’t know what to say in this case. We’ve been trying to get pregnant since June, and while I know that is not a long time (especially at our age), she is having difficulty with the lack of success. We thought we were pregnant last year. She had a lot of the signs, but it turned out we weren’t. She saw a couple of doctors, but didn’t feel like she got the help she needed.


So here we are again, and few months down the line, and she’s a week late. She’s started complaining about nausea, headaches, stiffness, etc. Last night she wanted to take an at-home test. I wasn’t sure if it was too soon, but I supported her decision. The test came back negative. I was disappointed in the results, but as she came down the stairs to tell me, the look of pure agony on her face was like a knife to my heart.


I know she’s hurting by this. I want to be able to reassure her, to help her understand that we will just keep trying (that’s half the fun afterall) and that we’ll get pregnant. Instead my words fall short of easing her worries. Instead she begins to talk about how she was a fool to think we might be pregnant, and that she’s probably just infertile, or she knows now after taking the test that she’ll have her period any day now.


I don’t know how to help her. I’ve tried just listening and letting her work through it aloud using me as a sounding board. I’ve tried offering advice. I’ve suggested (which she did) she talk to my mother since she is not very close with hers. It’s all for naught. I know stress will make it all the harder for us to conceive, and I feel like I am letting my wife down not only by not impregnating her, but also in not fostering an environment that is suitable for our goals.

I just want to ease her pain and stress. What can I do?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

The trying to conceive journey is like a small personal hell. It's heartbreaking to see negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test. You're a great husband for reaching out to find ways to better support her. Maybe she can get more support on the babycenter website? There are many women in different trying to conceive groups who are on the same journey and talking with them may be the added support she needs. As for you, I would try to continue to be positive and cry with her when the cycle doesn't work out. 

Is your wife tracking her cycles? Tracking cervical mucus and basal body temperature(to know exactly when she ovulates)? The app Fertility Friend is really helpful, easy to use, and has good information.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

My ex is an *******, but the one period of time in our marriage I felt closest to him was when we were going through infertility. And all he did was just comfort/hold me and let me vent. You don't need to SAY anything. You don't need to solve the problem. Just be there and comfort her. That's all she needs from you. Well, that and your continued sperm deposits .

Your wife is at the age that 6 months of trying makes it time to see a dr. It could be a very simple fix like Clomid. Don't go to a regular GYN, but see a reproductive endocrinologist.

Good luck!!


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## JoshJiggler (Jan 11, 2016)

Anonymous07 said:


> The trying to conceive journey is like a small personal hell. It's heartbreaking to see negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test. You're a great husband for reaching out to find ways to better support her. Maybe she can get more support on the babycenter website? There are many women in different trying to conceive groups who are on the same journey and talking with them may be the added support she needs. As for you, I would try to continue to be positive and cry with her when the cycle doesn't work out.
> 
> Is your wife tracking her cycles? Tracking cervical mucus and basal body temperature(to know exactly when she ovulates)? The app Fertility Friend is really helpful, easy to use, and has good information.


Thank you for the kind words, Anonymous. It really can be a very hellish personal journey. She's been Googling things a lot, which at one point I suggested she stopped because the information she was coming back with was either not helpful, or rather doomsayer. I think we'll look into finding a web community dedicated to this process though. That's a fantastic idea.

As far as the tracking of her cycles, we agreed early on that we wanted to keep this 'fun," I.E. not keeping journals and putting our time on a schedule as we were concerned it might make us resentful of the process, especially if it didn't take. I'm starting to think though that may just be what is required. I was lucky with my son in that it happened on it's own without having to put too much "work" into it.

Thank you again for your kind words and advice.


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## JoshJiggler (Jan 11, 2016)

SecondTime'Round said:


> My ex is an *******, but the one period of time in our marriage I felt closest to him was when we were going through infertility. And all he did was just comfort/hold me and let me vent. You don't need to SAY anything. You don't need to solve the problem. Just be there and comfort her. That's all she needs from you. Well, that and your continued sperm deposits .
> 
> Your wife is at the age that 6 months of trying makes it time to see a dr. It could be a very simple fix like Clomid. Don't go to a regular GYN, but see a reproductive endocrinologist.
> 
> Good luck!!


I can be the silent strong type. (C: I can certainly continue to make deposits for the cause. (C;

I think early on when she went to the doctor he put her on Clomid to raise her progesterone levels, but it caused some side effects that were unpleasant for her. We'll have another talk about her seeking out a new doctor. There is a clinic in our city that specializes in women's health and fertility.


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## MommaGx3 (Jan 12, 2016)

What an AWESOME husband you are. Holy cow. If I could send you cosmic karma cookies I would. *hugs* I have two daughters with my first husband. My current husband was adopted and has no biological family. Having a child, for him, was really, really important. I love kids so we decided we'd have a baby together. We tried for a year and we unable to conceive. We went to the ob/gyn and they did a work up and it turned out that while my husband does produce swimmers, he only produces a few, not enough for natural conception. Not even enough to just drop some in... So we had to pursue IVF. 

The path to conception when it doesn't just happen is really, really stressful. I don't know if I can describe the emotions I went through while trying to conceive in a way that would make sense to anyone that hadn't also gone through that journey. 

First, she is going to be obsessing. Absolutely constant obsessing. She is going to go to bed at night thinking about being pregnant. She's going to think about being pregnant every time you have sex. She's going to think about hoping she's pregnant at the stop light. 

If she hasn't already, get her the fertility friend app on her phone. GO ahead and pay the 30 bucks so she can have the sponsored membership. The only people that will really be able to help her unload are either therapists or other women going through what she is going through. I was able to talk about every stupid test. I was able to talk about the consistency of egg white cervical mucus (trust me, you don't want to hear that much about it, but she may be totally obsessed with it). There are charts, there are tips, there are venting boards, there are sorrow boards. 

Secondly, try to do or arrange something for her that is going to force her NOT to think about it. My husband would lay next to me in bed and he'd suddenly say, "Don't think about the brown bear!". I'd laugh and all I could think about was the brown bear... which meant I wasn't fretting about the lack of pregnancy signs. 

If she wants to eat a pineapple every day to boost her egg production, buy her pineapple. If she wants to try some vitamins to boost her auto-immune system, tell her you'll get em on the way home. When you can, try to make light of the situation, but also reassure her that you love her no matter what. It's not either of your "fault". It's just the universe making sure everything is perfect and the way it is supposed to be. 

Be ready, the next time her period starts, have a gift certificate for a pedicure. 

I know it sounds kind of silly... but man... women trying to conceive are almost crazier than pregnant women. I'm just glad my husband survived it. I told him no more cigars, it could hurt his sperm. I told him no baths too hot, it could hurt his sperm. I decided he needed some vitamins to help his sperm, so he took the vitamins I ordered for him. I caught him shaking his head from time to time, but he was a trooper. And now, we have an absolutely perfect little boy.

And no, I will never ever go through that again.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

JoshJiggler said:


> Thank you for the kind words, Anonymous. It really can be a very hellish personal journey. She's been Googling things a lot, which at one point I suggested she stopped because the information she was coming back with was either not helpful, or rather doomsayer. I think we'll look into finding a web community dedicated to this process though. That's a fantastic idea.
> 
> As far as the tracking of her cycles, we agreed early on that we wanted to keep this 'fun," I.E. not keeping journals and putting our time on a schedule as we were concerned it might make us resentful of the process, especially if it didn't take. I'm starting to think though that may just be what is required. I was lucky with my son in that it happened on it's own without having to put too much "work" into it.
> 
> Thank you again for your kind words and advice.


She should absolutely stay off Google, as it will hurt more than help her. I really think the TTC(trying to conceive) group on babycenter helped me a lot, as I could bounce questions off the other women and vent when I would get negative test after negative pregnancy test. 

Groups - BabyCenter

The top grouping has groups for getting pregnant. There are a bunch of other women trying to get pregnant on those groups who are all there to support each other through the process. 

I know you want it to stay fun and it can absolutely be that way, but you do have to keep in a mind that a woman ovulates once during her cycle and that egg only survives for 12 to 24 hours from the moment of ovulation. It's a small window of time to get pregnant. Sperm can survive for about 5 days, but she would be more likely to get pregnant if you have sex the day before or day of ovulation. The best way to tell when she's fertile is by her tracking her cervical mucus. This is something she'll do, so you don't have to be involved in that, but it'll be the easiest way for her to know the best time to have sex to increase the chances of pregnancy. 

Planned sex can still be fun and you can make it special. The process in general is difficult, but at least with tracking you have some sense of "control" that you are doing something to increase the chance of pregnancy. Hope all goes well.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

The years we struggled to conceive (Secondary infertility) that spanned near 7 yrs.. was the hardest for me ...which made it difficult for my dear husband.. I really couldn't have asked for a more patience caring partner through that... we did have a small son so there was Joy too .... 

I was sometimes bordering a basket case -if when a friend or relative would conceive, then another... all I seemed to care about was timing his sperm.. so one tract minded... I lived around that basal body thermometer... testing my mucus like egg whites....

As the years dragged on.. around year 4 ...we decided to start an infertility work up... insurance paid for a good bit of this...thankfully...all the usual tests... 

Had the Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) , they told me my tubes were clear but unusually long... Postcoital Test (good!)... took clomid for 6 months..NOTHING.... endometrial biopsy... eventually had a Laparoscopy surgery ..then it still took another 2 yrs after that.. in our situation, what the Doctors found was adhesions binding up my tubes (kinks) .. this likely from the prior c-section I had, must have been some infection (though I never felt it in my body)... .. though no explanation was ever given really.. 

Unless someone has walked through this, they will not understand .... I read books on how to conceive, I knew every detail to how my body was supposed to work, the timing of the sperm, how long the male/female sperm can live...but my body wasn't co-operating....

So very sorry for all you are going through.. (((Hugs))) you sound like a very supporting loving husband .

You've only been trying since JUNE ... that's just 7 months... they say until you have tried for a full year...with no success... that's perfectly within a normal fertility time frame... maybe there is nothing wrong at all ! Give it a little more time... I'd recommend timing it as close to ovulation as possible to up your odds.. but you know all that !

If it drags out another year.. there are groups to help with every resource for coping.. for new advancements to conceive...all of it... RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association -they have support groups, it helps to be around others going through this.. but my guess is.. she'll end up pregnant very soon!

In the meantime.. keep on being that supportive husband.. she will look back upon this time... your caring attitude helps soothe the waiting.. the days ahead..


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Totally agree with all these wonderful ladies and their advice to you. I also send you virtual ((HUGS)) for being a loving and supportive husband, and ((HUGS)) to your wife as I too know how she feels.
My DH also felt the pressure from TTC (trying to conceive) and while I had people to talk to about it, he didn't so in that way I think the husbands are a bit hard done by in that respect. I am a member of an online community on Baby and Bump- there is a forum dedicated to infertility on there and so many women who have had years of experience and even men get on there to chat too, it is very supportive.
My DH and I tried for a couple of years but with the knowledge that I had pre-existing fertility issues and unfortunately for us we ended up having to do IVF. IVF was our last resort after trying fertility drugs such as Clomid for an extended amount of time, body temping and using ovulation pee sticks. And stressing out haha. Goes with the territory.
I say unfortunately IVF only due to the expense, thanks to IVF we ended up with three viable embryos- One is our now 1 year old, and one more we had thawed from deep freeze and am now 14 weeks pregnant. 
Best of luck to you both


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## MommyAG (Feb 1, 2016)

I'm sorry you're both going through this. What a great, supportive husband you are. 

We were on that journey for 6 years. There is a lot of great advice on here. Her finding a support group with other women who are struggling is actually a great tip. I did the same thing and it helped me cope. Didn't make the journey less painful, but it was nice to unwind that stress and frustration by venting it out with other women who were going through the same thing. 

Is she taking ovulation tests? Just remember- a positive only means the body is preparing for ovulation. I doesn't mean it's happening. For me, I had a positive ovulation test on a Monday. We conceived our son that following Friday (based off of the ultrasound and HCG levels- it's amazing how they can pinpoint the actually conception day these days). So, when she does get a positive, start trying then and keep trying for a week. 

I also agree with her seeing a reproductive endocrinologist. I get she doesn't want to do the whole basal body temperature and charting approach, as I fully understand how stressful that can become. Not fun at all! 

In the end, keep doing what you're doing. Support any choice she wants to make. Hug her and tell her she's beautiful. No need to offer her advice, but just be there and listen to her. Tell her how sorry you are when she gets a negative test and tell her it hurts you too. Let her know she's not alone. Take her on a nice date and pamper her. You're doing a great job! I hope everything turns out for the best for the two of you.


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## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

I've seen several of my female friends who were having trouble get pregnant after doing YOGA. Also, if your wife works a stressful corporate job, that impedes conception in my experience.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

I apologize if someone said this already and I missed it, but you should both be checked for infertility issues. Just because you have a son from a previous relationship doesn't mean your swimmers are performing now. Just don't assume it is her and not you.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

See if she'll be open to tracking her cycle. When DH and I were trying, I took my temp every morning before I got out of bed and charted in Fertility Friend. This helped me learn that I ovulate later in my cycle than average. I also took ovulation tests. If I hadn't been tracking that info, we would have been trying at the wrong time of the month - several days earlier.

Good luck and I hope it happens soon for you!


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

I am going to hold off on the expert medical advice you have gotten, but I suggest you two get into some kind of therapy.

Depression and hurt like what she is experiencing can lead to very destructive behavior and many affairs start when women are depressed and need support that comes in the form of egos kibbles from outside the marriage.

You are obviously doing great or as much as you can but she is very distressed and probably not thinking too straight right now.

Just a suggestion. Not accusing her of anything.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

JoshJiggler said:


> First, a little background.
> 
> 
> I’m 35 and my wife is 36. We’ve been together for a couple of years now. This is my second marriage, and I have an awesome son who is six years old from my previous marriage. My wife adores my son, and he her, so there are no issues there. The issue is with us trying to conceive, and we’re having difficulties.
> ...


Keep doing what your doing; listen to her, hold her, love her, love her a lot and remember to tell her! Make sure that you tell her the 5 things that you should tell your wife every day. She needs to have that reinforced more than ever right now. But don't "suggest" too much, she doesn't need to hear how she is doing things wrong. I am not saying that you are telling her this-she just may perceive it that way. It is heart breaking for us, as men, but we cannot know the agony a woman goes through at a time like this-especially if she has miscarried. The idea about talking to your mom was spot on, good job. Another woman, a maternal figure, can give her the comfort and guidance she may require. She needs to know that you love her regardless. She may feel doubts, like you won't love her because she may not give you a child. Yo will have a big challenge in that.

One suggestion that I would make, if I were counseling you both, is to consider that maybe you aren't destined to bare children but love others. There are so many children in the system that are waiting for, or have given up on being, adopted. Ready made love. A child born is an accident of biology, a child adopted is a loving choice. My STBXW was adopted, neither of us cared to know what happened to "the incubator," our kindest term for her, but I will be eternally grateful that she got unselfish long enough to let her be adopted.

When she asks you what you think you can always suggest this, it couldn't hurt. And it doesn't mean you have to quit trying to make babies, it would just mean that you would have more to love.

And if you believe in this, then you both are in my prayers. And if you don't, too bad I do believe and you are still in my prayers. And good luck...

The Five Things 

(This is from the TAM front page but I thought I would share the wisdom. These are five things I got lazy on in my marriage and now the bill is due.)

Maintaining a happy and healthy marriage is a lot of work and it is definitely not meant to be a one-sided effort. Marriage is a partnership and a compromise where both parties have to make an equal effort in order for things to work. If you want your marriage to succeed, there are certain things you should be saying to your spouse each and every day. 

“I Believe in You”

Most people struggle with self-doubt to some degree but it takes different forms in men and women. For women, self-doubt is often paired with self-esteem or confidence issues, particularly in regards to physical appearance. Men want to know that their wives are proud of them and that they are fulfilling their role as husband. The act of telling your spouse that you believe in them can give your spouse a boost of confidence that will help them to start believing in themselves as well.

“I Trust You”

Trust is incredibly important in any relationship, especially a marriage. In a marriage you have to trust that your partner will uphold their wedding vows, choosing to love you and stay with you through all things. All marriages experience their ups and downs but having a bond of trust will give you the confidence to know that you can work through the hard times. Marriage is a coming together of two individuals so it should go without saying that you and your spouse will not always be in agreement. Even when you argue or have differing opinions about something, however, you should still have the confidence to know that your spouse trusts your judgement and trusts that you will always do what is best for the marriage.

“I Appreciate You”

One of the biggest insecurities men have is that they are not enough – not strong enough, not successful enough, not desirable enough. For women, one of the biggest insecurities is wondering whether they are too much – that they are too bossy, too busy, too unattractive, too high-maintenance. The act of simply telling your spouse that you appreciate them can go a long way in dispelling these insecurities. You do not even always have to use words to tell your spouse that you appreciate them – simple acts of service like doing a chore without being reminded or giving a thoughtful gift can show your spouse how much you value them.

“I Want You”

Passion, romance, and intimacy are very important in a marriage, of course, but there is also the fact that everyone wants to know that they are desirable. Keeping the fire alive in your marriage may be as simple as making sure that your spouse knows that you still want them. You can go so far as to actually tell them, or you can show them in little ways such as physical displays of affection, telling them they look good, or setting aside time to be together. 

“I Love You”

The absolute most important thing your spouse needs to hear each and every day is that you love them. What many people learn after they get married is that love is not always a feeling – it is also a choice. A choice to remain together and faithful to one another for the rest of your lives. A choice to love one another even in the difficult times when you do not particularly like each other. If you aren’t used to saying this to your spouse every day, try to make it habit – say “I love you” before you hang up the phone, before you leave for work in the morning, and before you go to bed at night. 

Simply saying these five phrases to your spouse every day is not enough to maintain a healthy marriage – you have to actually mean them. This may take a little bit of work and it may also take some time but you will find that once you and your spouse deepen your love and respect for one another, your marriage will be much better for it.


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