# Is this rejection a form of control me?



## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

This is going to sound stupid but I have to ask...

Most nights my husband and I go to bed same time, I have to ask for a kiss or hug if I approach him .... first I might get a "don't touch me", "I need my sleep", "I am tired". These excuses are used when I would like a kiss, to talk or sex.

Last night, climbed in bed 5 min. after he was in bed and put my hand on him and got a "Don't touch me", I said.."Can I have a kiss goodnight?" His response was why didn't you come to bed earlier? I hurried as fast as I could to make your lunch before bed.

The night before he wanted to touch me, which is extremely rare and I didn't reject him because I feel desperate. I feel controlled..why does everything need to be his idea? His timing? 

This is just a symptom to a MUCH bigger problem..but wondered if anyone could help me understand why I get the response I get.

(Does this only happen at night?) NO, he has other reasons during the day or is not home until really late.

Why does one spouse like to control, manipulate and reject the other?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

"Dont touch me"? Hell even I don't spring that on the missus, not like it would stop her anyway. Your reasons seem very sincere however - a kiss goodnight shouldn't even need to be asked for, it's rather sad that he does this. 

=/

I don't think him rejecting you is a method of control however, but that's just me. Then again... it could be similar but something else, but it's rather complicated which I won't discuss publicly.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

Yes I would say it is. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. Witholdding affection and sex is a form of emotional abuse designed to punish, subjugate or humiliate the other person i.e. it is a form of manipulation and control. I've experienced it and it is very cruel and hurtful. Your husband sounds like a passive aggressive. Read up and see if any of this rings true. 

 The Passive Aggressive Man is all about Control

Using Sex To Punish - Why Does The Passive Aggressive Use Sex To Punish

There are some tips to dealing with this in the articles but as you said it could be symptomatic of larger problems and perhaps it could be time to consider counselling for both of you. This is definitely emotional abuse though and it will gradually erode your self esteem and mental well being if things are left to continue as they are.


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

loren said:


> Yes I would say it is. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. Witholdding affection and sex is a form of emotional abuse designed to punish, subjugate or humiliate the other person i.e. it is a form of manipulation and control. I've experienced it and it is very cruel and hurtful. Your husband sounds like a passive aggressive. Read up and see if any of this rings true.
> 
> The Passive Aggressive Man is all about Control
> 
> ...


Pinpointed it with your help...passive aggressive 100%!

Thank you for your help!


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

My ex was like this, and these articles were like a thousand lights going off in my head. He hurt me badly with the withholding, which then escalated to verbal abuse and then he finally 'punished' me (for standing up for myself) by disappearing and giving me the silent treatment for 17 days. He has since apologised (though I am doubtful he would have acknowledged any wrongdoing had I put up with the behaviour) and wants me back but I can't forget the humiliation, and I don't want to get stuck in the cycle of abuse. I told him he needs to get help for dealing with his anger. That's what passive aggression really is - anger that the person in question has no healthy way of venting. Relationships with these men can be hurtful and sometimes impossible (my breakup is proof of that) but if you are thinking of sticking it out I suggest reading 

Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man by Scott Wetzler 

Best of luck to you... Feel free to message me sometime if you want to vent.


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