# Been Married 3 Months, Feel Like I Made a Mistake



## Jessi07 (Jul 21, 2012)

So, I'm AD military and I got married to my civilian husband 1yr and 2months after dating. It was a quick courthouse wedding and I was sent out on deployment shortly after as a replacement, and now I feel like "what was I thinking"?! My husband is a good person. He's faithful, honest, hard working, and smart. But our personalities don't add up and it seems to affect me the hardest. And I feel guilty about this because I discussed how his argumentative personality brings me down and brings out a part of me that I don't like. When we decided to get married it was during the time things were good with no arguing. And now lately it's happening again and I feel like I have no one to blame but myself. Before my husband I was engaged before but it ended when I found out that he was lying and cheating with multiple people, and I'm afraid that I married my husband because he is good to me in that aspect and ignored the fact that we are very different personality wise...


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

what kind of things do you two argue about? Is he really just being argumentative or is it his opinion on something and you dont agree with him?

My H gets argumentative sometimes, as do I. It's pretty easy to end them if you're not also interested in arguing. I just say, "ok that's how you feel, this is how i feel and we disagree." the end.


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## Jessi07 (Jul 21, 2012)

Usually it's arguements over small things like I don't call/text him soon enough, his tone of voice sometimes like he has an attitude with me or is mad, when something/anything has to be postponed, his constant questioning like a toddler that's in the "why stage", and extremely pety things like why didn't I message him as soon as I logged onto Facebook (which really irritates me because I feel like I'm an adult and I'm not going to get in an argument over facebook  ) I almost broke up with him once (before we got married) because he got upset that I didn't mention that I went to Marshalls (it was insignificant and I forgot about it) when we were just talking about our day. 

The last arguement was over visiting my family before our honeymoon. I haven't seen my family in months and we are going on our honeymoon nov-dec time frame. I mentioned visiting my family days ago and the other night he starts a conversation with me about how we should be spending our time together and that when we go to visit my family it's gonna be all about me. I told him I don't understand how a short visit (just a couple of days) means I don't care about "us". And my family likes him, they are very kind and engaging when he is around.

Part of me wants to work on this with him, but then part of me feels that I am settling if I do that. My mother feels that I should get out while it's early in the marriage to avoid more complications. But I feel like a failure and guilty for jumping into this just because my feelings about him were good at the time. I know marriage is not a game and I don't want to treat like that.


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## Jessi07 (Jul 21, 2012)

It felt good to get all that off my chest, but now reading back on that, he sounds controlling ..... oh no


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## girlfromipanema (Aug 26, 2011)

Do you love him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jessi07 (Jul 21, 2012)

yes, I love him.


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## Jessi07 (Jul 21, 2012)

Perhaps I am having "cold feet" after the fact....perhaps I'm just over analyzing.... :scratchhead: I hate feeling like this.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Jessi07 said:


> Usually it's arguements over small things like I don't call/text him soon enough... and extremely pety things like why didn't I message him as soon as I logged onto Facebook... he got upset that I didn't mention that I went to Marshalls (it was insignificant and I forgot about it) when we were just talking about our day.
> 
> The last arguement was over visiting my family before our honeymoon....he starts a conversation with me about how we should be spending our time together and that when we go to visit my family it's gonna be all about me. I told him I don't understand how a short visit (just a couple of days) *means I don't care about "us".*


All of his complaints are the same - he doesn't feel loved. He doesn't feel that you care about him. The problem is he's trying to micromanage your behavior so that he feels more love from you. He's probably way more in love with you then you are with him and he's just afraid of losing you. 

If your H had proper boundaries he would tell you that he doesn't feel a strong love from you and then he too would back off. I can't really tell you if you should stay or not, but I do think you need to evaluate if you really love him or if he's just nice to have around.


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## Jessi07 (Jul 21, 2012)

Very wise and great advice. Thank you very much. I will not make a rash decision. I will talk to him and try to get him to tell me what's really wrong and from there we can see what we can fix.


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## Audrey (Jul 27, 2012)

Are you deployed often? To build on the last post... if you don't get to spend every day together that could be part of the reason why he is the way that he is. I am married to someone who has been deployed a few times and though I don't treat him like that when he's come home... there's always the thought in the back of my mind... what is he doing over there? Women aren't the only creatures who have doubt in absence. Keep that in mind. 

I think it sounds like exactly what Bianca said... he loves you more than you love him and he's terrified to lose you so he want's to be as involved as he can be. He sounds a little scared and doesn't know exactly how to deal with that so he comes off as very controlling. 

An honest conversation about his actions and your concerns may be just what the doctor ordered.


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## muriel12 (Jul 10, 2012)

Jessi07 - It's hard to have any construction conversation during the fight. The best is to wait until when you guys calm down and talk about this in non-judgmental manner. I know that this will get harder as resentment builds up. But it's important to do so before it gets built up too much. I think you may also need to reassure each other that you love each other very much.


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