# Should I trust him?



## livinonaprayer (May 18, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for a little over 3 years, and we already have a big problem. 
We have both come to realize one thing...my husband is what you call a "problem drinker". I have been physically, as well as emotionally abused by him, and every time, alchohol was involved. The fiirst time the abuse happend, we were out with friends until about 4 in the morning. .The biggest thing that I remember is the look in his eyes...like he didn't even reecognize me. I ended up with 2 black eyes, a broken nose, and a busted lip. After that happend, he was sick with himself...he would NEVER do anything like that if he was in his right mind. I told him he had to stop drinking, and he agreed.

A few months went by without incident, and then one day he came to me and asked if he could start drinking again. He said he knew his cutoff point, and he wasn't going to allow himself to get drunk anymore. I agreed, knowing how much he loved beer, and I trusted him. However, after going out a few times, one shot turned into 3 or 4, and before I knew what was happening, it was exactly the same as it had been before. After a fight one day, he immediately proceeded to get completely wasted. I had to go pick him up with one of my friends, and on the way home he tried to jump out of the car, kick the window in, and even tried to hit me once, but since I was better able to defend myself this time, I was okay. 
Again, I told him he had to stop drinking, it's obvious he can't control himself, which he again agreed to, saying he definitly wasn't going to touch liquor anymore, and if I wanted him to stop drinking beer, he would. Again, several months went by. We had a few people over , and he again came to me, saying it would be different this time, he was never touching liquor again but he wanted to drink beer. He insisted it was liquor that made him crazy, and he thought he could control it, but knew now that he coudln't and shouldn't touch it.
I said no a few times, and finally I agreed, as long as he would cut himself off at 2. 

This has been about 3 months ago, and as far as I know, he still hasn't touched liquor. However, I've always been told that alcoholics aren't able to do that...they can't just have a few. But he shows every indication of being able to stop himself now, and I really believe that he is done with liquor. I want to trust him. Is it possible for people like him to "just have a few"...to stay away from one type of booze and be fine drinking anything else? He has been doing so well, but I don't want to wait around for another year just for the same thing to happen again.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Hi...

I'm a little less worried about whether or not you should trust him with the drinking and more worried about the fact that he has physically abused you more than once. Have you gone to counseling at all? If you can do it I would strongly advise you to go as this is just NOT acceptable. No one should have to deal with someone physically abusing them let alone trying to keep him from drinking so he won't abuse you. I feel for you as I have an alcoholic brother who has put my famiy through the wringer but I hope you will consider getting help for you first.


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## livinonaprayer (May 18, 2012)

bluezone said:


> Hi...
> 
> I'm a little less worried about whether or not you should trust him with the drinking and more worried about the fact that he has physically abused you more than once. Have you gone to counseling at all? If you can do it I would strongly advise you to go as this is just NOT acceptable. No one should have to deal with someone physically abusing them let alone trying to keep him from drinking so he won't abuse you. I feel for you as I have an alcoholic brother who has put my famiy through the wringer but I hope you will consider getting help for you first.


I have considered going to counceling, but every time I mention it, he's completely put off by the idea. He says that we don't need that, that we can work through anything together. The harderst part about this whole thing is not being able to talk to anyone about it. The fact of the matter is that he has an anger problem, and though it comes out a lot more when he's drinking, it still exists when he's completely sober. He doesn't physically abuse me when he's sober, but emotionally he does. He's gotten better about dealing with it, and he doesn't completely lose his temper like he used to. However, any time I say anything about him having a problem, he says that he's always had a temper and I knew that when I married him. I don't know how to get him to see it my way, or how to get him to go to conseling.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You would benefit from individual counseling. Joining/attending Alanon would help you a lot as well. 

Remember that the only person you can change is yourself. So concentrait on you.

Your husband has not hit bottom yet. Like many who are addicted he will most likely not do anything about it until he has hit bottom. And he will be taking you with him.

Sorry to ask this, but it needs to be asked. Why are you still with him? This is a dangerous situation for you. And you are enablilng his problems.


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## livinonaprayer (May 18, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You would benefit from individual counseling. Joining/attending Alanon would help you a lot as well.
> 
> Remember that the only person you can change is yourself. So concentrait on you.
> 
> ...


I ask myself that sometimes. The good times are SO GOOD. He is perfect for me in every way...we share the same love of music, and I love playing with him on stage and feeling that connection...he is, believe it or not, very sweet to me and he really does everything he can to make sure I'm happy. We are very open with each other and can talk about anything, and we are very much in love, and I think always will be. This problem..his temper..is the only problem that we have. And I told myself for a long time that I could get past that, because it's almost worth going through that for what we have. Like I said before, he has worked on it and it has gotten a lot better than it used to be. I just keep clinging on to this hope that one day he will overcome this and we can be truely happy. And I know that I am, somewhat, enabling him..every time that he breaks me down and convinces me that he is okay to drink. I really do think that liquor is the biggest problem here though, and as long as he stays away from that, no more abuse will happen. Or maybe that's just what I'm telling myself to make me feel better.Like I said though...the biggest issue is his anger problem, and I just don't know what to do about that. Can you make that go away? I know his father is on medication for bipolar disorder...maybe he has inhereted that. I just don't know how to fix something that seems to be a part of his personality.


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## livinonaprayer (May 18, 2012)

Not to mention that I'm only 22 years old...I don't have the means to go through a divorce right now,i really don't. I just had to quit my job of 6 years, i don't have a degree, I wouldn't have a place to stay...not to mention that I have a huge fear of being alone. I will say, however, that if he ever touches me again in that way that would be the end of it. It should NEVER happen, let alone twice. Next time's a dealbreaker. I just feel so over my head right now.


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## supermommy123 (Apr 5, 2012)

I just want to say that if you really want to out of this situation then you have to take some tough decision.As he did this twice then i don't think so that he can withstand with his commitment.So just think twice and just put a step ahead apart from your fear.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

There are some people who simply should not drink liquor.. My H is the same way as your H. He has physically abused me while drinking hard liquor... He has a temper and anger problems in everyday life and it is intensified by intoxication, either hard liquor or a lot of beers or crack cocaine.

If your H can have a few beers every so often, I don't consider him an alcoholic... The problem is after he's had a few beers perhaps his judgment goes out the window because all the other guys are taking shots and he joins in.

I would be insistent on no more hard liquor in or around your house and if he can't adhere to that, time for divorce. What I've told my H related to hard liquor is that if he feels the need to drink that stuff, feel free to, but don't come near me or this house during that time.

ETA... It took me a few years to make the solid connection with the physical abuse... The last time he abused me he had drank a half a bottle of Jack. It was horrible and terrifying.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Just reread your post a little more. And I would strongly urge him to not go out and drink, if he wants a few beers occasionally, he needs it to be while he's relaxing at home.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i cant even think enough to have a descent answer.
it just baffles the he11 out of me why you women stay in these conditions.
being a man myself, i just dont see any justification for this not being an instant deal breaker, even after only the first time of physical abuse.

i dont think it matters if it has only occurred while they are drunk, there is always the potential after that first time whether they are drinking or not.
you know they care so little for you, you mean so little to them that they can put you in the hospital or even kill you. 
this is sickening.
men like this disgust me.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i cant even think enough to have a descent answer.
> it just baffles the he11 out of me why you women stay in these conditions.
> being a man myself, i just dont see any justification for this not being an instant deal breaker, even after only the first time of physical abuse.
> 
> ...


I agree.
Alcohol does not make anyone mean or abusive.

Alcohol just lowers the inhibitions for a person show how he or she truly is.

I am a heavy drinker. I don't abuse my wife physically, verbally, or emotionally.

Even if he quit drinking, he is still and always will be abusive. It's just a matter of time...


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

livinonaprayer said:


> I have considered going to counceling, but every time I mention it, he's completely put off by the idea. He says that we don't need that, that we can work through anything together. The harderst part about this whole thing is not being able to talk to anyone about it. The fact of the matter is that he has an anger problem, and though it comes out a lot more when he's drinking, it still exists when he's completely sober. He doesn't physically abuse me when he's sober, but emotionally he does. He's gotten better about dealing with it, and he doesn't completely lose his temper like he used to. However, any time I say anything about him having a problem, he says that he's always had a temper and I knew that when I married him. I don't know how to get him to see it my way, or how to get him to go to conseling.


He's making this YOUR problem; he's not changing a thing. Oh wait, that's right, he switched to beer FOR YOU.

NO, NO and NO! He HAS to get help and you have to STOP enabling him. You will never have a good relationship as long as he's in his addiction (beer, liquor, doesn't matter).

Take care of YOU.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i cant even think enough to have a descent answer.
> it just baffles the he11 out of me why you women stay in these conditions.
> being a man myself, i just dont see any justification for this not being an instant deal breaker, even after only the first time of physical abuse.
> 
> ...


I see things on these boards all the time about men or women who get drunk and cheat or say something stupid, why is the advice different in those situations? I'm not excusing abuse, but if there is a pattern and the abuse always has happened after heavy drinking, remove the drinking and, yes, see what happens. 

Each relationship and each individual in that relationship has their own set of boundaries... I see things on this forum all the time about things spouses do or say that make me shudder, wondering why someone is even trying to repair their marriage. Fact is, everyone has their own thresholds, their own beliefs, their own priorities and their own set of circumstances.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Cherry said:


> I see things on these boards all the time about men or women who get drunk and cheat or say something stupid, why is the advice different in those situations? I'm not excusing abuse, but if there is a pattern and the abuse always has happened after heavy drinking, remove the drinking and, yes, see what happens.
> 
> Each relationship and each individual in that relationship has their own set of boundaries... I see things on this forum all the time about things spouses do or say that make me shudder, wondering why someone is even trying to repair their marriage. Fact is, everyone has their own thresholds, their own beliefs, their own priorities and their own set of circumstances.


this is true, but im just giving *MY* opinion on these situations.

if someone does something and uses the 'i was drunk' excuse, they have the tendency to do it at some point when they are not.

the cheating and hitting a woman you supposedly love, no matter what your condition, are 2 things i despise.

my exw cheated for 14 years and has physically attacked me and i have *NEVER* raised a hand to her, and not out of fear of her, but in doing whats right.
other than doing the minimal to protect yourself, there is never a reason to hit a woman imho.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> this is true, but im just giving *MY* opinion on these situations.
> 
> if someone does something and uses the 'i was drunk' excuse, they have the tendency to do it at some point when they are not.
> 
> ...


I absolutely agree .


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