# Man's POVE Please - What kind of man am I married to?



## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

1) lately, whenever husband goes out w/ boys he gets a number

2) has convos with these new girls during the week, while at work, or out with me, at family events, etc. (text & bbm) - see examples below

3) found ecstasy in the laundry when I came back from a short trip (I tested it); found out he also did it earlier this year while out in Vegas

4) bets on sports on an almost weekly basis (he doesn't know I know - keep seeing the calls to the bookie). No $$$ to show for it - been waiting 3 years to buy house - husband ok with "we ccan't afford it response"

5) may be hiding $$ (see reason 4)

6) recent aquantaince has hinted at a reputation (told a friend of mine who was complaining about her husband not taking kids somewhere aquantaince says "it could be worse... you could be married to so-and-so" so-and-so being MY husband!

Married for 5 years, been together 8 years, no kids, no house.

P.S. caught him having a "friendship" 3 yrs ago w a girl he met in Vegas (he stated she was 26, bi-racial (he has a thing for Rihanna said this girl looked just like her that is why he talked to her - PATHETIC I know) and recently broken up from her bf and was seeking advice from him) I now found out she was 22 at the time and Italian. I told him to stop - quit while he was ahead and I believe he did. Did not see anymore calls to her from that point on. No access to phone records now since he put his new one (a blackberry) under the business...

I don't know who he is anymore. Our last three big blowouts have been emotionally ugly. He calls me every name in the book, tells me to go F myself all the time (he knows I hate that) - has even said "I want a divorce" - I've told him to go ahead but I don't think he has the balls to do it b/c I am a true trophy for him. His family and friends adore me and all know what a great girl I am. 
*

TEXT EXAMPLE:*
Girl:i want you
H: what makes you say that
Girl: i can easily have a conversation with you, your sexy as hell so it's safe to say i want you
H: you're so young 
Girl: I can wait a few years if it makes you feel better

*background: this girl used to work for my husband briefly; husband is 31, girl is about 17 or now

Text 2 (same girl):
Girl: Are we still on for tomorrow?
H: yea but I have to drop off (family member) in NJ first
Girl: Good b/c i am planning this whole day around you. you should feel special
H: hahah

*background: I left for a short trip this very day

Text 3 (same girl):
Girl: I can't believe I already cheated I've only been with this guy for 1 month
H: It's ok we all make mistakes
Girl: Should I tell him 
H: No be the bigger person you 
Girl: ok b/c that's what you would do 
H: you don't want to make a name for yourself anyway
Girl: what if I want to cheat once I get married
H: we all make mistakes
Girl: I don't want him to find out then i'll be knwn as ___ ***** of the world

*background: this was receievd 2 days after the previous post


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Scoundrel comes to mind.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I can see what you don't want. But what's he got that you do want?

Bob


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

AFEH said:


> I can see what you don't want. But what's he got that you do want?
> 
> Bob


very hard to answer - a nice family, i love our close group of friends (mainly his friends) the fact that he gets along well with mine - STUPID answers I know...


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

I couldn't directly say it because I'd receive a ban for my exact words. But that's not a man, it's a boy who never grew up.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> Scoundrel comes to mind.


Amp - not the kind of guy who should be married, correct?


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Crypsys said:


> I couldn't directly say it because I'd receive a ban for my exact words. But that's not a man, it's a boy who never grew up.


Crypsys - is it fair to say he may never grow up? Big reason why I don't want kids is b/c of this "double" life he's leading. I don't trust him and I don't think he'll ever change... I caught him 3 years ago and he continues to carry on w GIRLS like he's single... uuughhh


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Anonny123 said:


> Amp - not the kind of guy who should be married, correct?



Or be in any sort of committed relationship. IMHO


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> Or be in any sort of committed relationship. IMHO


Thanks Amp - I honestly feel that when he met me he found the right girl to have it both ways with - on the outside we're such a great couple, everyone loves us together. He puts on such a facade... one thing that kilss me is that some of this stuff that he does behind my back his freinds may be very well aware of. I am so sick of being taken for a fool. Do you think he'd be shocked if I left him? I know he's the type that would turn it around to make him look good...


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> Crypsys - is it fair to say he may never grow up? Big reason why I don't want kids is b/c of this "double" life he's leading. I don't trust him and I don't think he'll ever change... I caught him 3 years ago and he continues to carry on w GIRLS like he's single... uuughhh


Yes, hes not marriage material, much less father material. If he treats you like that, he will never be able to handle kids with that attitude.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Crypsys said:


> Yes, hes not marriage material, much less father material. If he treats you like that, he will never be able to handle kids with that attitude.



Someone told me if we were to have a child he'd probably invest more time and maybe the $$$ on the side in the marriage... are people crazy?! While I'm PG I know he'll be out getting some b/c it's the perfect excuse for him... then the kid comes along and he can't take the noise or sleepless nights and has to go out to clear his head... you're so right Cry - thanks for the insight!!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> very hard to answer - a nice family, i love our close group of friends (mainly his friends) the fact that he gets along well with mine - STUPID answers I know...


No way are your answers stupid. We're all unique, every single one of us. Your answers are your answers like mine are mine.

I think you have some comfort in your relationship. Life is a balance of the good and bad. I do think you are way too tolerant and you are that way because your afraid of losing the things you value.

In that way you are no different to anyone else. And like anyone else it’s “your call” if the bad outweighs the good.

You don’t have many friends? Work on that and change that situation.

Bob


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

AFEH said:


> No way are your answers stupid. We're all unique, every single one of us. Your answers are your answers like mine are mine.
> 
> I think you have some comfort in your relationship. Life is a balance of the good and bad. I do think you are way too tolerant and you are that way because your afraid of losing the things you value.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for your kind words Bob. You're right I am somewhat comfortable but each day that goes by I realize more and more that I would probably be fine on my own. I have a good amount of friends but the ones I enjoy most are connected to my husband and if I leave him those friendships may change or diminish compeltely but the most important thing is my happiness. Sad to say but if I was given some kind of hint that my husband wanted out I think this process would be a lot easier... I think he's a coward. Reason - one of his guy friends asked my friend if everything was ok b/t us b/c my husband told him that lately I've been cold to him, acting like I don't care, not the same and that he was nervous (this is all true). Do you think my husband asked me what was wrong?? NO! Why, probably b/c he knows I know something and/or knows I'm upset but doesn't want to face facts or own up to anything...


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## Frost (Aug 2, 2010)

Sticking strictly to the topic title, the correct answer sould seem to be "Soon to be ex" is the type of man you're married to.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

@ Frost or any other responders:

Why doesn't he just leave me then?? Yes I know he is enjoying the best of both worlds... 

I haven't been myself lately and he's catching on. Told a very good friend that he senses a change in me (this friend told my very close GF). H said that I'm quiet, cold, don't really speak to each other, seem not to care anymore - DID NOT CONFRONT ME ABOUT THIS. WHY? Opinions please!


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## mommyof31982 (Sep 6, 2010)

Im not a man but I agree with cry, frost and all the other who say he aint worth his salt. Thats not how a married man behaves (unless you have an agreed upon OPEN relationship), which it doesnt sound like you do. Sounds like he is a hound.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Thanks mommy. The sad part is he thinks I know nothing about what he's been doing behind my back. Wonder if he'll be floored when I tell him...


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

He's a player. If you the read those texts from a flirting/player point of view, he's excellent at teasing without actually saying or committing to ANYTHING. He's masterful at appealing to a woman's desire for challenge. It's a pick up technique.

So he's a player. Probably always has been. Whether he's cheating or not, are you really willing to live with a man that is so blatantly disrespectful. I suspect if you are honest with yourself, all the things he does to flirt and drive other girls crazy, he has/does to you. You're never quite sure where you stand, you're always pursuing and settling for scraps of attention, he's careful to never commit to anything and when challenged he makes it YOUR issue.

He reminds me of the characters in the Soprano's.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

seeking - you're totally right. I don't know how we ended up married b/c I do find him to have a bit of a problem w/ committment. Perfect example - we've been married for 5 years. I've been wanting to buy a house/our own place for 3 years now and all he does is "yea yea" me. He also claims he's giving me all the $$ he makes yet I know he has $$ on teh side b/c he dabbles in sports betting almost weekly if not daily (haven't been able to figure it out).

Also, thanks for highlighting the fact that he's being disrespectful. That is truly the bottom line. I do question where I stand lately and I think it's absolutley ridiculous. He's not my BF he's my HUSBAND for crying out loud. 

Sopranos reference is funny. He's actually acts more like Ronnie from the Jersey Shore hahaah


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Ask yourself some questions:

Can you find a place to live on your own?-Yes
Can you find new friends?-Yes
Can you find love and peace of mind again?-Yes
Can you find someone who will treat you with respect someday?-Yes

Can you get back the love you wasted on him-No.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

@F - you're totally right.

The realtionship has changed so drastically, the love is gone and it will never be the same...


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Thanks for your reply Courageouos. He def has issues - my therapist said it too. Def not a mid life crisis b/c this has been ongoingand he's only 31 and has always done and gotten what he wants. I am by no means stingy w/ sex. If anything I am the man in the relationship (I want it more than him). I am very open to things and he knows that. He's definitley not gay.

We've been married for 5 years, together for 8.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You're married to the kind of man that is only ever going to erode your sense of well being.

Your expecting him to radically change his behavior into an upright, selfless, loving husband simply isn't going to happen. It doesn't sound like he was EVER that guy.

I'm not blaming the victim here, but your course is absolutely clear. This marriage lasts exactly as long as you are willing to tolerate. He doesn't believe that he needs to, should, or has to do or change a blessed thing. Sounds like he is quite content with who he is and what he's about - and you simply cannot make him change.

I'm sure you have seen here on any number of occasions that the only thing you can take responsibility for, and change, is yourself.

YOU need to find a way to let go of this guy, or you will simply continue to suffer harm, because you want something from him that he just ain't gonna give.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

I don't even want him to change. Maybe 3 years ago I did and that is why I waited around another 2 but now I see what he's all about - the writing is on the wall. I know I have to leave him if I truly want to be happy.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> @ Frost or any other responders:
> 
> Why doesn't he just leave me then?? Yes I know he is enjoying the best of both worlds...
> 
> I haven't been myself lately and he's catching on. Told a very good friend that he senses a change in me (this friend told my very close GF). H said that I'm quiet, cold, don't really speak to each other, seem not to care anymore - DID NOT CONFRONT ME ABOUT THIS. WHY? Opinions please!


Oh dear!

You are being very indirect with your husband. Most men especially young ones simply do not understand your indirect way of going about things.

Want a quicker result? Be direct.

Then sit back and watch the change happen.

Bob


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

I plan on being direct justy not right now - waiting for No Fault Divorce law to completely go into effect. 

Thanks for the advice!


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I can't tell if you are planning your exit or looking for reasons to stay. You begin by questioning his actions and have put up with him for this long, but then you respond to agree with what everyone says. So, I'm trying to understand if the way he treats you matters to you or not.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

@Susan - definitely not looking for reasons to stay - maybe in the past I was but now I realize it has only caused me pain and unhappiness. Each day that passes more and more resentment builds towards. Any advice?


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## misspuppy (Sep 19, 2010)

CourageousLion said:


> WOW! And my wife thinks that she had it "bad". I'd say he has issues. It could be that he is starting to go through a mid life crisis earlier than most men that have them do. What you could try doing is the five love language test and work on him. Are you stingy about sex? Maybe he is addicted to it or something like porn and is getting his hormones all mucked up. It sounds like he may have issues that could possibly not even be related to you PERIOD.
> 
> 5 years is a short time. He may be the kind of guy that never should get married. We used to call them ***** hounds.


this just may be his problem, for a man, a "midlife crisis" can hit at anytime, does not matter, especially if they lost their " Teen years" or "tragedy" hit, i am not taking sides on either party. 

but, may i share my point of view..

about 6 yrs ago i use to work as a call girl ( NOT ATTACKING ME FOR IT), and so many times i would run into these guys that would have the same problems as you, and they all felt "stuck" in their situation ( money sex marriage ect) but were not sure which way to go, because their SO's did not really allow them to voice their opinions, 99% of the gentlemen i saw ( along with all my coworkers) just needed one thing?? can you guess?? :scratchhead: 

NOPE!! not SEX nothing physical, all they wanted was to be HEARD, listened too, had a say in things ( whatever it was money, love, houses ect) and when they felt they were being "forced" into something ( house babies cars ect) they would close up shop real fast and act out ( strip clubs betting on races/horses) same thing your Husband is doing.. he is trying to reach out to you and you are not listening to him, you are not allowing him to be himself, i do not know you, i just know that all the gentlemen i saw were EXACTLY the same.

when they came to see us Call Girls (escorts or whatever you call them), i can only speak for myself, not all the girls were like me, but i did listen and try to help them, in fact, i did get calls from SO's and i would tell them ,well the way i see it, SOMETHING is missing from the relationship, and all i know is that i am fulfilling what you are neglecting to give him..Keep in mind Marriage ( or partnership) is a 2 way street, and you need to be able to understand that BOTH parties have needs/wants/desires, and relationships can NOT survive on ONE thing, they need a multitude of things, love, support, honesty, trust, guidance,money, sex, mental/physical/emotional understanding, some kind of spiritual guidance, the list goes on and on.. from your post, it sounds like the only thing you have confronted him about is what YOU want and what YOU desire? remember, i am just an outsider looking in.

I do not see physical abuse going on, and i know that abuse is an broad term, because it can be emotional, mental as well, however, all these things that he is doing has to come from somewhere, maybe his childhood? teen years? life experiences? maybe it does NOT have anything to do with you, and instead of dealing with it like what should be done, you choose to just leave? How does that solve anything? How do you know that same thing will not happen in the future? 

I am not saying YOU or HIM or in the wrong, but, there is def something going on way beyond just gambling other girls or what not and it needs to be delt with up front, not just "wait for some law to pass: before you hit him. 

I wish you the best of luck in anything that you choose to do, but, i would def put some serious thought into what you are about to do.


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## Quicksand (Sep 20, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> @ Frost or any other responders:
> 
> Why doesn't he just leave me then?? Yes I know he is enjoying the best of both worlds...
> 
> I haven't been myself lately and he's catching on. Told a very good friend that he senses a change in me (this friend told my very close GF). H said that I'm quiet, cold, don't really speak to each other, seem not to care anymore - DID NOT CONFRONT ME ABOUT THIS. WHY? Opinions please!


Maybe he doesn't like fighting?

Anyway, he's not the sort of guy that stays with one woman. If you're still having fun with him, and don't mind, stick around.
If you're not fine having an open relationship, I'd suggest dropping him.
No, he won't change. Yes, he might love you, but not enough to change his core person.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Thanks for your perspective Quickstand. He doesn't like fighting and I think it's b/c he has a very hard time admitting he's wrong. He's one of those "I'm always right" "it's my way or the highway" types.

He will need to change 4 major things to be with me which I don't feel he ever will (nor to most ppl on this board):

1) having these relationship with other GIRLS (guess he likes the young ones eww)

2) gambling with the $$ he keeps on the side that should be put towards an investment like a house

3) doing ecstacy behind my back (he knows I strongly oppose - I don't care if it's recreational/once a year)

4) steriods (taking them and keeping them in the car - it's a controlled substance for crying out loud!)

If this is an open realtionship - it's news to me!


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