# I'm so confused and hurt



## Bforness85 (Mar 1, 2012)

Well my wife left me on January 24th 2012. We had our problems, some that we worked trough and some that were pushed aside as not big enough to worry about. Then one day she decided she did not want to be with me anymore. Heres the story.

We have been together for 8 years and married for 5 and half years and have a 5 year old son. Shortly after my son was born I found here personality change and she kept asking questions about our relationship. It through up a red flag so I started asking a lot of questions. Come to find out she was having an inappropriate relationship with another guy. At first she said it was that she had feelings for him but the most they had done was hug. After a while I found out she had done a little more. Not sex but close, when it came down to it, she freaked and left. She sad she was depressed and scared so I she god on meds and we saw a counselor and I stayed with her because she said she only did it because of the depression for the birth. She transfered jobs and after dealing with a lot of getting over it things did get better. Now this comes up. She is not very independent so she never would have left unless a friend did not help her make her decision and give her a place to stay. Of course I concluded that she had someone else in mind. She promised that it wasn't another guy and I slowly started to believe her. She kept telling me that I didn't treat her right and she is not happy with me or at home. Now she is happy that she left. We had a few times that I thought she would come back but she never did. She would get mad because I would call and text a lot. She was just always on my mind. She confinced me that I was the bad guy in this situation so I started begging her to come and telling her that I can do better and make her happy. In all honesty, I could have done better. We could have done better. I miss her so much and don't know what to do. Now on monday (Feb 27) she decided that they friends she was staying with was driving her decision and she wanted to go stay with her parents and probably come back to me. That same day she called and said she was coming home. Right after that, the friend she was staying with called me and told me that I need to get her to tell me the truth, she was messing around with another guy. She came home and laid it all out. She said she slept with a man that was 19 years older than her atleast 6 times. Like an idiot is still wanted to take her back. I convinced myself that because we got married so young that she was acting out because she never got to experience single life. I was the only guy she had been with before this and she found out what it was like to be with another guy and got it out of her system. She promised me that she would never leave again and she did not have real feeling for this guy. The next morning I called the guy at work (yes they work together) He seems like a nice enough guy but obviously took advantage of a hurt your married mom. I didn't fight with him, I just asked him to keep his distance and he said he would. After that I called my wife, she didn't have to be at work for another couple hours. She was crying so I asked what was going on and she said she doen't know what she wants. She had to decide between me and him. Great. Now she moved back into her parents and I don't think shes coming back. I called the guy today and blew up on him. Nothing real horrible but I let him know that he was crushing my family and what he did was wrong. I asked him to tell her he is done with her and he said he would. I don't know if he did. I haven't talked to my wife all day because she asked me to leave her a lone and give her time. I want my family back so bad. I know if I had another shot I could make it right. I can't eat or sleep now. I'm so hurt its crazy, and I have always been the tough guy. I put up with so much and still would take her back in a heart beat. She doesn't care that she is ruining my life and really hurting our son. I'm scared I won't get her back and don't know what to do. I'm sorry for going on and on but I am losing my mind. Any advice?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry to hear what you are going through. It's not easy. Most on this site have been through something similar.

You wife is in 'the fog'. That's what we call the mindset of a person who is in an affair. It's like aliens took over their brain. She will come out of it but it's a painful exprience for the cheater apparently. 

There are several things that can be done to help end the affair and recover your marriage.

The fist is to tell her that if she wants to stay with you she will have to end all contact with the OM (other man). This means that she has to quit her job. She will never get beyond this if she keeps seeing him.

You need to expose the affair. Affairs thrive in the dark/secret. So expose it to help end it. If the OM is married, tell his wife about the affair. He will be too busy trying to save his marriage and will drop her like a hot potatoe (in most cases). 

Tell your wife's parents and ask their help in encouraging her to come back to your marriage and work on recovery. Tell your parents as well if they can help.

Since your wife needs to quit her job, tell her employer. Is the OM a person with authority over her? The company needs to know that they have a predator in their employ. He could cause them to be sued.

All of this will put so much pressure on the affair... 

Then your wife, should she come back to work on your marriage needs to adopt total transparency. She needs to tell answer your questions about the affair. She needs to give you the passwords to her cell, her computer accounts, etc so that you can check for yourself that there is no cheating going on. You cannot trust her now... it will take some time for her to prove that she is trustworthy again.

I suggest you buy the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. The book has a lot of good advice on how to get through this and what to do to recover your marriage.


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## Bforness85 (Mar 1, 2012)

Thank you so much for that information. I will check out that book. Its only getting harder and I wish I could just let her go but I can't. I'm lost in my world and its affecting eveything I do.


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