# HELP childsupport is killing my marriage



## Mrs Tina

Hello first thank you for reading this. First let me give you a little info on me and my husband. This is my first marriage and his third. We have a 8 month old son and my husband has two other kids that are 19 and 20. Now the issue is he has back childsupport that he pays it come out of his check every two weeks half of his check goes to childsupport. My problem is that my husband is bringing home $200.00 every other week and he dose have a little side job that gives him $170.00 a week but that is not enought to cover everything that we need are current rent is $835.00 a month and the lights and gas is about $150.00 a month and the cable is a$100.00 a month now if you add that up with what he bring home you can see that we cant spend a dime cause it all goes to bills and I have not even bought food or household supplies or things for the baby. I have talked to my husband about the childsupport over and over and ask him to put in the paper work to get the payments lowered but nothing has changed I asked him to get a lawyer and still nothing we have argue about this sever times i dont know what else to do i am tried of this the ex wife that is getting the back childsupport payment makes $2500.00 a month and eitheir of there kids stay with them. Now i am not in any way saying that he should not pay what he owes I want him to pay just want it to be fare cause he dose have a son that is not even a year old that he needs to provide for. This is to the point where I am thing about leaving because he is not handling his buisness. If anyone has a sugustion please give it to me cause I am at my last string


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## zohaib

Sorry to hear it...!
Let your husband know that ur sone is also his sone..
So their are some responsibilities of ur son on him also..
Make him feel that ur son is on the same importance that he has from his ex wife..

Tell him to spend some money on his current family that is u and ur son..
ask him to talk with ex wife or person who is looking after his 2 sons..

take some Legal advice from a Lawyer by your self...


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## greeneyeddolphin

I understand that you feel this is not fair to your son, and you're right. But, speaking as a mother whose ex does not pay his child support, you need to consider that it's not fair to his older kids that they probably had to do without because he wasn't paying. 

He can try to get it lowered, but it is past due support. It will only take longer for it to go away. And...if the amount is high enough, and it's past due long enough, it can go on a credit report, which will have a long term bad effect on your lives as well. 

You could do without cable to save some money. $100 a month seems high for that. And if you're not working, you could get a job. It's not just his responsibility to provide for your son. You could even look into babysitting in your home; then all the income you get could go towards expenses with no childcare expense. 

You also need to keep in mind that he can ask that it be lowered, but the court doesn't have to do it. Where I live, they can take up to 60% of income to pay child support if there is no second family, if there is a second family (which is what you and your son would be for the purposes of this calculation) they can take up to 50%. They tend to be tougher on someone who has past due support.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

I agree with atruckersgirl.

It doesn't matter how much money their mother makes, the support is not for HER, its for the children. He made those children, he's responsible for them, end of story. It's not their fault that their father got behind and didn't pay and it's not the ex's fault either.

As a previously divorced, single mother - I made more money than my ex-husband, but he still paid the child support the court ordered because it was to support a child that he created also.

Try putting the shoe on the other foot and you're the ex - how would you feel about your stance now?


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## major misfit

I have a friend in the same situation you're in...and they went to court to have it lowered, just to have it RAISED. He was also ordered to pay for health insurance...something he previously wasn't paying. And this child is over 18, but in college..so the order for health insurance is going to be until this child is 26, unless he quits school. She has two children with this man, and they struggle terribly. But she refuses to get a job. 

I would cut the cable out. That's not a necessity. I would look into part time work..during a time when my husband was NOT working, so he could take care of the baby. If that's not an option, then a full time job would be in order. Day care is expensive, for sure...but you don't spend your whole check on daycare. 

I honestly would cut out everything not necessary. That would include internet service. I did without it for two years...it didn't kill me. And from what I understand, child support isn't based on what he earns, it's based on what he's CAPABLE of earning. His earning potential. Times are hard...but he didn't pay his child support when it was due on time every month so this is what you're left with.

But this situation won't get any better unless you take the bull by the horns and get proactive. If you leave him...you're not currently employed. Who would support you and the baby then? The man who's behind on his child support? Taxpayers? Something to think about.


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## moonangel

You said that his ex-wife makes more than you and your husband? Well, why can't he talk to the ex-wife to get rid of the back pay? The husband should also talk to the kids about working. The 19 and 20 year old should work...wft are they still doing getting back pay? If I were the kids, I'd tell Dad to keep his money. I can work for my own. I don't give a f**** about back pay. Plus if Mom was making more money than Dad...it would piss me off even more that Dad has to back pay. Stupid.


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## WhereAmI

moonangel said:


> You said that his ex-wife makes more than you and your husband? Well, why can't he talk to the ex-wife to get rid of the back pay? The husband should also talk to the kids about working. The 19 and 20 year old should work...wft are they still doing getting back pay? If I were the kids, I'd tell Dad to keep his money. I can work for my own. I don't give a f**** about back pay. Plus if Mom was making more money than Dad...it would piss me off even more that Dad has to back pay. Stupid.


Why would she agree to get rid of the back pay? She paid for everything when he was avoiding his CS responsibilities and she deserves to be reimbursed. The money she makes now has nothing to do with what he owed back then. Asking his children to pay for his debts would be horrible.


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## moonangel

WhereAmI said:


> Why would she agree to get rid of the back pay? She paid for everything when he was avoiding his CS responsibilities and she deserves to be reimbursed. The money she makes now has nothing to do with what he owed back then. Asking his children to pay for his debts would be horrible.


Why would he ask his grown children to help out? They should get part-time jobs and stay in college.

What's with this, "You didn't pay then so now you have to pay for all those times you didn't pay." I can understand if the kids were young but they can work for their own money. 

When I was 16, I worked for my own money. My parents didn't have much money and I understood that so I found my own job and made my own money. When I was 18, I worked 2 jobs and went to college full-time. I made the payments for my car (the loan was under Dad) to drive to college and the parent plus loan (during college when I was considered dependent). So in my eyes, those kids are spoiled.

But I guess if back pay has to be paid not matter what then so be it. What a screwed up society this is. If he was making good money, yes, he should pay...he should help. But if he's tight and the kids are grown and can work for themselves then it makes no sense why he needs to back pay.


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## DawnD

moonangel said:


> Why would he ask his grown children to help out? They should get part-time jobs and stay in college.
> 
> What's with this, "You didn't pay then so now you have to pay for all those times you didn't pay." I can understand if the kids were young but they can work for their own money.
> 
> When I was 16, I worked for my own money. My parents didn't have much money and I understood that so I found my own job and made my own money. When I was 18, I worked 2 jobs and went to college full-time. I made the payments for my car (the loan was under Dad) to drive to college and the parent plus loan (during college when I was considered dependent). So in my eyes, those kids are spoiled.
> 
> But I guess if back pay has to be paid not matter what then so be it. What a screwed up society this is. If he was making good money, yes, he should pay...he should help. But if he's tight and the kids are grown and can work for themselves then it makes no sense why he needs to back pay.


I don't think I understand your reasoning MoonAngel. His Ex wife had to support their two kids while they were under the age of 18 by herself, because he didn't make his CS payments. For all we know, she has credit card bills racked up from having to provide for two children by herself. The backpay is owed to her. Not to the kids, to her. He owes his Ex Wife money that he didn't pay her while they were growing up. I don't get how that is unfair??


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## TNgirl232

Moonangel - Because the law says so. He is responsible for helping to raise his children. Just because he managed to get away not paying it before they became adults doesn't mean he gets to get away with it now. Can you imagine how many dads/moms just wouldn't pay in hopes of getting the kids to 18 so that the debt would just 'disappear'. How fair is that? Maybe mom didn't have enough money and had to beg borrow and steal to keep her child fed and housed while they were children. No one was helping her out - giving her a free pass, saying well if your struggling you shouldn't have to pay - she had NO choice.

Techincally - depending on the ruling it could actually belong to the kids. My daughter's dad hasn't paid in almost 3 years. He owes me upwards of $6000. I got remarried and I don't need it to pay the electric bill anymore (but before I got married I did have to run up credit card debit almost equal to that amount in order to keep everything going for my child). I don't push it now because he simply doesn't have it. Now, my daughter - when she turns 18 - can actually sue her dad for the back child support that he never paid if she wants to. It will be her choice.


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## 827Aug

I think there is more to this story. Didn't you know you husband was responsible for paying child support before you married him and had a child? My estranged husband spent the last four years courting young women and didn't pay a dime in child support. Therefore, I'm wondering what your husband was doing with his money back in the days he was supposed to be paying current child support.


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## greeneyeddolphin

moonangel said:


> Why would he ask his grown children to help out? They should get part-time jobs and stay in college.
> 
> What's with this, "You didn't pay then so now you have to pay for all those times you didn't pay." I can understand if the kids were young but they can work for their own money.
> 
> When I was 16, I worked for my own money. My parents didn't have much money and I understood that so I found my own job and made my own money. When I was 18, I worked 2 jobs and went to college full-time. I made the payments for my car (the loan was under Dad) to drive to college and the parent plus loan (during college when I was considered dependent). So in my eyes, those kids are spoiled.
> 
> But I guess if back pay has to be paid not matter what then so be it. What a screwed up society this is. If he was making good money, yes, he should pay...he should help. But if he's tight and the kids are grown and can work for themselves then it makes no sense why he needs to back pay.


How, precisely, is it a screwed up society to expect an adult to take responsibility for a child he was 50% responsible for creating? Society is screwed up only in the fact that often men who do this get away with it. People do stuff all the time and get away with it. And according to you, that should be just fine.

My ex owes me somewhere between $15-20k (I've lost track of the exact figure) in child support. And do you know what that means for my kids? It means that I had to choose between feeding them and paying the mortgage. In the end, I picked feeding them, had to let my home go and move in with my parents. It means that I have to save up to buy my kids new jeans when they outgrow them, which sometimes means that they have to wear jeans that are too short and might end up getting them teased. Why should he get a free pass just because they turn 18? I don't get a free pass. I don't get to just say, "gee, sorry, you're just outta luck." If my ex starts paying after they turn 18, I'll be handing the money over to my kids so they can pay for college or whatever they might need. It won't come close to making up for all the years they're having to do without, but it's owed to them. He chose to have 2 children with me, and he needs to take responsibility for that. Period. 

I think you have a very wrong idea of how child support works.


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## golfergirl

Child support is due. Should have been paid throughout their younger years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs Tina

first i have to say I NEVER SAID THAT HE SHOULD NOT PAY WHAT HE OWES. And i would get a job with no problem but i have no one to watch my son and i know some of you moms are saying daycare but my son is 8 month old and can not talk and tell me if someone dose something to him so that is not an option for me.I do not have any family were we stay to help me out and watch my son and another thing my husband is not a dead beat dad the time he didnt pay child support was because he was out of work. he has always taken care of his kids or we who not have a baby together I would not be with him if he was cause my dad paid child support but never try to have a relationship with me but i know for some women it all about the money and trying to hurt the man but his ex wife didnt have to do it all by her self my husband was very active in rising his kids and still till this day if he has it his kids can get it. he had his kids ever summer until there last years in high school. I didnt know he owe a big amount in back child support when we got together because he was paying current child support then. He ex has never had to be on walfare or anything like that she has always made good money and when my husband was with her and after he was making good money to so the two kids has never had to go with out. And i have said to myself what would i do if i was her and personaly i would not want the money at this point cause my kids are doing great and i make good money and i would not want anybody doing this to me so i would say F*** the money it is only people who what to hurt the other person who wants the money. So to all the moms out their who feel like your kids father owes you something you are worng because the only thing that should matter is the child but people dont thing like that and when you dont your only hurting the child cause their the one that matters


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## Mrs Tina

oh and another thing i have my owe little business but its slow right now so i do bring money to my household it may not be alot but i do bring money in


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## TNgirl232

Mrs Tina said:


> first i have to say I NEVER SAID THAT HE SHOULD NOT PAY WHAT HE OWES. And i would get a job with no problem but i have no one to watch my son and i know some of you moms are saying daycare but my son is 8 month old and can not talk and tell me if someone dose something to him so that is not an option for me.I do not have any family were we stay to help me out and watch my son and another thing my husband is not a dead beat dad the time he didnt pay child support was because he was out of work. he has always taken care of his kids or we who not have a baby together I would not be with him if he was cause my dad paid child support but never try to have a relationship with me but i know for some women it all about the money and trying to hurt the man but his ex wife didnt have to do it all by her self my husband was very active in rising his kids and still till this day if he has it his kids can get it. he had his kids ever summer until there last years in high school. I didnt know he owe a big amount in back child support when we got together because he was paying current child support then. He ex has never had to be on walfare or anything like that she has always made good money and when my husband was with her and after he was making good money to so the two kids has never had to go with out. And i have said to myself what would i do if i was her and personaly i would not want the money at this point cause my kids are doing great and i make good money and i would not want anybody doing this to me so i would say F*** the money it is only people who what to hurt the other person who wants the money. So to all the moms out their who feel like your kids father owes you something you are worng because the only thing that should matter is the child but people dont thing like that and when you dont your only hurting the child cause their the one that matters


We were responding to moonangel - not you. The kids father owes the kids something - not the mother. Child support is to go for raising the child. If my ex were to hand over the money right now that he owes me it would go into a college savings fund for her. I don't ask about it anymore and I don't push it. I haven't turned him into the state or anything else, because he at least is involved in his daughters life.


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## mc75

If times are tough and it sounds like your husband has not found full-time work and with an 8-month old you cannot work now ... I would suggest both cutting the cable and visiting the County Human Services office where you live to ask about food stamp benefits, etc. to help you thru this time?

I know some people will not want to receive benefits, but think of how many years you and your husband paid taxes when you worked - now times are tough, you may need help and you deserve it. Financial pressure can be a big strain on your marriage.


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## DawnD

Tina -- the responses about child support weren't directed at you. That was in response to Moonangel. Obviously no one here can know your entire situation, or the ex's situation. 

I can certainly understand that you are concerned and its putting a financial strain on you guys. Do you know what the balance is that he owes on the backpay?? ( you don't have to share the balance with us, but is it pretty huge or is it smaller?)


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## jgayle01

Mrs. Tina,
Don't be angry at the posters who didn't side with your point of view. All of us are speaking from various life's experiences. Think of it this way: if (God forbid) you and your husband split, would you have the same thoughts about child support? Would you be willing to forego child support payments for your son, especially if he remarries and fathers yet another child? I'm sure you would feel quite differently, and probably tell him he needs to find job #3 to make sure he can pay child support for your son.
This is how you will have to come to understand the situation. Don't be angry at the ex-wife or mother of your husband's other children, no matter how much money she makes. Your husband fathered all of these children and he is at least 50% responsible for their financial needs. Period. The fact that he is now married to you with another son makes no difference, I'm sorry to say. Think about the hypothetical example I gave. And trust me, arrearages and requests for child support modification aren't always the fix you think they are. Got a tax refund coming? Not! Wave that bye-bye. The only answer to this situation is to find ways of adding to your joint income and lowering your living expenses, as difficult as that may seem.


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## major misfit

You are using the excuse that your child is a baby and can't talk to tell you if something is happening..and that is a cop-out. Many, many mothers feel that way (as did I) but you don't have the luxury of that kind of thinking now. Your household needs money. 
There are many, MANY excellent day care providers. You have to do your homework ahead of time. Visit unannounced. Check out every nook and cranny. But using the excuse that you don't trust anyone with your child (which is effectively what you're saying) is BS. 

You're just wanting the ex to forgive the child support debt. And she's not going to. So that throws the ball back into your financial court. You can cut out all but the bare necessities, and hope that you have enough money...or you can get a job. It's really that simple.


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## turnera

Why does your husband only earn $500/month?


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## Sakaye

Well, I am a mother who does not get any child support and it is very hard. I have 3 children to support on my own dime, and it is rough.
However, I believe child support should be a fair amount. In my state several things matter if you want to get things changed, and it needs to be done in writing. How far back does he owe? That may make a difference, I can tell you right now, my older children are 9 & 10 and Ive not seen child support for them ever, so my ex pretty much owes us a down payment for a new house, or a fully paid new car. If it is causing you to not be able to afford your own cost of living, you may be able to have it adjusted but again it needs to be a written request sent certified mail. Are you working as well? I don't mean to be rude in asking, just that for the time being, if you're not, maybe you will need to until he's caught up. 
But seriously, Id see how far back he owes, the dollar amt left, and calculate the time period of how long its going to last. Cause if he's paying back pay he's paying a higher amount than the set monthly amt right?
Good luck to you, I sympathize with you because raising a young baby is costly, but I also can sympathize with the mother who has not gotten any child support in what may be a long time. It is very tough on both ends. Its a sacrifice that you will need to be able to support your husband with. Its that part in marriage that you claim to stick to him by when you say "for better or for worse". And financially, this may be the worst. I know, because my husband is leaving me 8 months pregnant for almost the same thing (among some other things).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Sakaye, have you gone to United Way for help?


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## Sakaye

turnera said:


> Sakaye, have you gone to United Way for help?


turnera I have not. I live in Hawaii and resources where I live is sparse. I know of United Way, of course here its called Aloha United Way lol. Is that something I could do online? I suppose I can check. Thank you, but if you know offhand, what do they assist with?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

The way I understand it, they can help you get access to the resources in your area.


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## Ooogles

Mrs Tina said:


> Hello first thank you for reading this. First let me give you a little info on me and my husband. This is my first marriage and his third. We have a 8 month old son and my husband has two other kids that are 19 and 20. Now the issue is he has back childsupport that he pays it come out of his check every two weeks half of his check goes to childsupport. My problem is that my husband is bringing home $200.00 every other week and he dose have a little side job that gives him $170.00 a week but that is not enought to cover everything that we need are current rent is $835.00 a month and the lights and gas is about $150.00 a month and the cable is a$100.00 a month now if you add that up with what he bring home you can see that we cant spend a dime cause it all goes to bills and I have not even bought food or household supplies or things for the baby. I have talked to my husband about the childsupport over and over and ask him to put in the paper work to get the payments lowered but nothing has changed I asked him to get a lawyer and still nothing we have argue about this sever times i dont know what else to do i am tried of this the ex wife that is getting the back childsupport payment makes $2500.00 a month and eitheir of there kids stay with them. Now i am not in any way saying that he should not pay what he owes I want him to pay just want it to be fare cause he dose have a son that is not even a year old that he needs to provide for. This is to the point where I am thing about leaving because he is not handling his buisness. If anyone has a sugustion please give it to me cause I am at my last string


Is he open to getting a second job, and are you open to getting a full-time job to work off shifts so that your child's care could be covered? I guess if you leave, you could receive welfare and would then be forced into a full time job in accordance with welfare guidelines. Divorce will cost you and him. Unfortunately, that makes it even more likely you'd run into the same problem of not getting paid child support, since he can't even keep up with what he has now. So you will be in a worse situation than his ex, even more horrible if he gets another woman and has more children. Maybe you can both work on the first question instead? It's very hard. I feel for you.


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## mc75

> turnera I have not. I live in Hawaii and resources where I live is sparse. I know of United Way, of course here its called Aloha United Way lol. Is that something I could do online? I suppose I can check. Thank you, but if you know offhand, what do they assist with?


I would try the county first, or as well. They offer all the entitlement benefits availabole thru the govt.


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## Scannerguard

My suggestion is this:

1. Child support is an obligation and anything in arrears is considered a debt. I am not sure if these debts collect interest (I don't think they do) but it is a debt nonetheless. I know it exists out there in the form of a "Judgment" so when they go to do a credit check on you to get a house, get a car, my hunch is it may show up and you end up paying higher interest for the car, further compounding the problem. Or you are simply denied the loan.

2. Like anyone in debt, he/you both should try to work on a financial plan to retire the debt. The lucky thing is, it sounds like, once it's retired, it's retired. In my state of NJ, the father is on the hook until age 26 if they are going to college (I expect to chip in for college anyway and am trying to scrimp and invest wisely).

Many people get in debt and get out of it. It will require some sacrifice of either time or commodities (like cable). It may require a second job for 1-2 years but you'll both feel better once the debt/obligation is satisfied.

Dave Ramsey and Suze Orman are popular financial gurus you can consult. I just read an interesting book "How to Cut Your Grocery Bill in Half" also that demonstrated, if you really work at it, you can save $3000-5000/year on your grocery bill. (it was written by that couple that scour the supermarkets with a pair of walkie-talkies).


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## b28

My husband has two kids from his previous marriage. They are 15 and 13. He has 50/50 custody which means the kids go back and forth week to week. (With us Sunday-Sunday then with mom Sunday-Sunday and so on) He has to pay child support and has been since the divorce 13 years ago. It is not a large amount of money but my husband has been through a lot of tough times financially when he was a single dad and we have had alot of tough times financially during our marriage when he/we really needed it. It just doesn't seem fair that he has to pay when kids are with him same amount of time as with her. She is just as capable of making money as he is and she does have a decent job now. He was also ordered to be the one to provide health insurance. He's thought about going to court to try to have it lowered or canceled but is afraid judge will just order more since he starting to make decent money. Plus, several years ago when husband took ex to court for full custody, judge wanted to hear testimony from the kids first before hearing about any evidence husband had. Based off what kids said, judge pretty much said he was goin to leave custody the same and if husband continued with case and presented evidence, judge might up the child support


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## FieryHairedLady

Yes this man needs to support his kids. If there is back due support, then it is reimbursing his ex for all the money she spent entirely supporting their kids.

That being said, if new wife gets a job, will the courts come after her salary too?

Or not cause it is just now back due support?


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## sisters359

The money goes to the mom because she is the one who supported the kids when HE should have been contributing. She probably went into debt and made huge sacrifices b/c often that is the only way a person can make ends meet when a partner ends up being a dead-beat. She would not have been able to save money for emergencies-or for retirement--or for travel, or whatever she wanted--because she had to pay HIS share of child support as it was needed. Would it be better to just let him off the hook and assume financial responsibility--as tax payers--for the mom who sacrificed her health and retirement in order to support kids when dad wasn't contributing? Or is it best to let the individual responsible for the debt repay it, since it was his responsibility in the first place?

Seriously, who cares if she earns $2500/month, or $10K/month? HE OWES THE MONEY. She footed ALL the bills when he didn't pay. And maybe the kids never even knew how much she has to sacrifice. I don't ever mention to my kids when their dad refuses to contribute. 

And just because he was NOT working then, it does not mean he is free of this obligation. 

This complaint is pretty screwed up, frankly, because the problem is not that the ex gets back child-support, it is that the husband involved has a poor work history and poor earning record. Maybe that is his fault/his choice (he didn't then, and doesn't now, want to pay the money), or maybe it isn't. But to blame the system that protects kids, or to blame the ex--who fed and raised those kids when she had no help, or to try to shift this burden to ANYONE but their father--is just whack, IMHO.


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## sisters359

> She is just as capable of making money as he is and she does have a decent job now. He was also ordered to be the one to provide health insurance. He's thought about going to court to try to have it lowered or canceled but is afraid judge will just order more since he starting to make decent money. Plus, several years ago when husband took ex to court for full custody, judge wanted to hear testimony from the kids first before hearing about any evidence husband had. Based off what kids said, judge pretty much said he was goin to leave custody the same and if husband continued with case and presented evidence, judge might up the child support


So basically, HIS children should be reduced to living at the level she (ex wife) can afford, regardless of his earnings? He has no obligation to support his children at the level of his earnings? He did not have to consider that he already HAD two children to support before he remarried and added anothe rchild to the mix? His previous children should be deprived ENTIRELY of the increase in his earnings so that you and he and your child can be the sole beneficiaries? How the heck does that look to his kids, who can see that nothing matters to dad but his new family (if your point of view predominates). If you think his kids won't realize that they are losing out because you want your child to have MORE than the 1/3 of their dad's earnings (so to speak) to which it is entitled, think again. If you want the half-siblings to care about one another, then do the right thing by the older kids. Geez, twice in one thread I see people--women--acting like children from a previous marriage are somehow less important. Great attitude.


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## success47223!

My family is in the same DAM BOAT!! 

My hubby has 2 kids from a previous relationship. We get along alright---not into those posts where they HATE the step-kids---you knew what you were getting into---thats another story! He owes past due support b/c he was on unemployment and when he got off it, he did not take money aside to pay for it after getting off the unemployment! I am ALL for paying and supporting his children--!00%---our income is tight---but we make do. What I don't understand is all the trips, NEW 300 dollar prom dresses (every yr), and we are EXPECTED TO pay for all this, oh yeah and the child support as well. My step-daughter just turned 17 and she has her license--yeah! If her mother would teach her to "save for" or how to wisely spend money--our life would be much happier! Because if my hubby says no to his kids---you can believe that crazy-mom will be leaving HATE-MAIL on his phone (about him, me , our daughter). The worst part is that he doesnt want to confront her about it---that pisses me off (he should stand up for us--I think)..I believe if he stands up to her and sets some ground-rules----then she would ask nicely for some money for things besides the child support---I don't get it---We would have no problem giving much more than the child support requires but its the way the wack-o, crazy Witch goes about asking for it!! What to do?


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## sisters359

Good for you, success, in supporting the need to pay child support. And you are totally entitled to resent demands above child support. If you have a good relationship with step-D, have a talk with her about respecting her dad's right to make a free choice about "extras," and explain that it would be better if SHE came directly to dad to discuss extras rather than having her mom make demands. 

You could also consider having h deal only with his SD and getting an RO against the ex if she continues to harrass your family. In another year, he will NEVER have to talk with his ex. Getting in the habit of dealing directly with his daughter NOW is a good idea.

Of course, your ability to effect change is very limited (other than talking to SD, if the relationship is strong), so you may have to learn to let this pass. Maybe tell h that you no longer want to hear about it--why hear it if you can't do anything about it? Put aside XX amount each month for "extras" and he agrees to limit his giving to this; that way, you don't need to know more.


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## Mom6547

Mrs Tina said:


> Hello first thank you for reading this. First let me give you a little info on me and my husband. This is my first marriage and his third. We have a 8 month old son and my husband has two other kids that are 19 and 20. Now the issue is he has back childsupport that he pays it come out of his check every two weeks half of his check goes to childsupport.


I do not know if this take was already presented. But here it is
- You are his THIRD wife. He has mucked this up twice before
- He is paying BACK child support which means he did not support his children when he was supposed to.
- He brought a child into the world that he could not afford to support.

This man does not seem a good risk. 




> My problem is that my husband is bringing home $200.00 every other week and he dose have a little side job that gives him $170.00 a week but that is not enought to cover everything that we need are current rent is $835.00 a month and the lights and gas is about $150.00 a month and the cable is a$100.00 a month now if you add that up with what he bring home you can see that we cant spend a dime cause it all goes to bills and I have not even bought food or household supplies or things for the baby. I have talked to my husband about the childsupport over and over and ask him to put in the paper work to get the payments lowered but nothing has changed I asked him to get a lawyer and still nothing we have argue about this sever times i dont know what else to do i am tried of this the ex wife that is getting the back childsupport payment makes $2500.00 a month and eitheir of there kids stay with them. Now i am not in any way saying that he should not pay what he owes I want him to pay just want it to be fare cause he dose have a son that is not even a year old that he needs to provide for.


You need to do two things

- fix the problem
- understand your role in creating the problem so you don't do anything similar again.

First fixing the problem. You would be making a HUGE mistake to attempt to modify the payment. You have no way to know how they will rule. They may even bump it UP.

Make more money. Spend less. That is your only choice. (Getting bitter about the ex wife is irrelevant. Be bitter if you want. The money was not for her. It was for the children. And he did not pay.)

The make more money option has many different ways to do it. Education to get a higher paying job. You work if you don't already do so. Either or both of you get another job... You get the drift. 

Spend less option ... yah you probably already live frugally. It sounds like you have to. That is not a lot of money we are talking about. Try to eek out some more. Drop internet. I see cable is $100. There you go. Lose it. Get books from the library. Get a copy of Tight Wad Gazette from the library. 

If you don't budget, then start. Using Total Money Makeover's envelope budgeting might work for you. Or You Need a Budget is software you can use. 

I dropped my grocery bill by 25% when I started using a price book. 
Make A Price Book: Power Tool For Supermarket Savings! | Organized Home

There are zillions of tips on the internet for living cheaper. I even found a website about feeding a family of 4 for like 20 a week! 

Look into Angel Food Ministries




> This is to the point where I am thing about leaving because he is not handling his buisness. If anyone has a sugustion please give it to me cause I am at my last string


I think you are making a mistake focusing on the child support. In any event, if you leave, then you don't even have what measly income he brings in. So I don't see how that helps.


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## turnera

success47223! said:


> My family is in the same DAM BOAT!!
> What to do?


Maybe you're finding yourself in the same boat that his first wife found herself in...


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## Scannerguard

> Geez, twice in one thread I see people--women--acting like children from a previous marriage are somehow less important. Great attitude.


Honestly Sisters. . .I don't mean to sound cynical but are you THAT surprised?

With women, it's about being seen/viewed as a sex object by men. With men, it's about squabbling like all you are is a paycheck. . .that your earnings, or how you put it???, a poor earning history/work history defines you.

My ex-wife after 6 months of divorce is filing a motion to take me back to court because I won't show her my last years tax return.

As far as I am concerned, I told her it is private, confidential and proprietary but as a compromise in 3 years, I would produce the last 3 years tax returns and we can base any more or less money I made and adjust accordingly.

The funny thing is (and the card I am holding) is I made LESS money last year. 

If this motion goes through, guess what my countermotion is going to be?

The sad thing to me about this is you know what I would like? Gee, how are you Scannerguard? You doing okay? I do still think of you now and then.

Like I said, you can't be that surprised that all the women party to this are thinking about the men in terms of $$$ signs, current wives and ex-wifes alike.

Like Chris Rock jokes: Men cannot go backwards sexually. . .Women cannot go backwards in lifestyle. Can't do it. CAnnnnnnn't do it.


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## Catherine602

B28 why should the mother bear the financial burden of caring for children that she and your husband brought into the world. If they were still married he wolud be contributing to their support even if their mother was making more. Your husband divorced his wife not his kids and he is responsible for them. 

When you marry a divorced man with kids you marry a package deal. If you are employed you are helping him support his kids by hitching your caboose to that train. It something that you needed to think of before getting involved with a divorcedan with kids. I assume you were aware he had kids and had obligations for them. Your husband diserves your support he a good man who takes his responsibility for his kids seriously. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547

Scannerguard said:


> Like Chris Rock jokes: Men cannot go backwards sexually. . .Women cannot go backwards in lifestyle. Can't do it. CAnnnnnnn't do it.


What a load. We did it when I quit work to stay home with the kids. The onus was on ME to learn frugality.


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## golfergirl

Scannerguard said:


> Honestly Sisters. . .I don't mean to sound cynical but are you THAT surprised?
> 
> With women, it's about being seen/viewed as a sex object by men. With men, it's about squabbling like all you are is a paycheck. . .that your earnings, or how you put it???, a poor earning history/work history defines you.
> 
> My ex-wife after 6 months of divorce is filing a motion to take me back to court because I won't show her my last years tax return.
> 
> As far as I am concerned, I told her it is private, confidential and proprietary but as a compromise in 3 years, I would produce the last 3 years tax returns and we can base any more or less money I made and adjust accordingly.
> 
> The funny thing is (and the card I am holding) is I made LESS money last year.
> 
> If this motion goes through, guess what my countermotion is going to be?
> 
> The sad thing to me about this is you know what I would like? Gee, how are you Scannerguard? You doing okay? I do still think of you now and then.
> 
> Like I said, you can't be that surprised that all the women party to this are thinking about the men in terms of $$$ signs, current wives and ex-wifes alike.
> 
> Like Chris Rock jokes: Men cannot go backwards sexually. . .Women cannot go backwards in lifestyle. Can't do it. CAnnnnnnn't do it.


Ever hear or judge imputing income based on what you're capable of earning? Might not work out for you as well as you think. Rules state income tax must be turned over - why not just comply? Judges don't like time wasters and game players - just as my ex who tried something similar.

ETA my ex had to pay court costs to and my lawyer. For the record, he tried to take me to reduce support and ended up paying more.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl

Scannerguard said:


> Honestly Sisters. . .I don't mean to sound cynical but are you THAT surprised?
> 
> With women, it's about being seen/viewed as a sex object by men. With men, it's about squabbling like all you are is a paycheck. . .that your earnings, or how you put it???, a poor earning history/work history defines you.
> 
> My ex-wife after 6 months of divorce is filing a motion to take me back to court because I won't show her my last years tax return.
> 
> As far as I am concerned, I told her it is private, confidential and proprietary but as a compromise in 3 years, I would produce the last 3 years tax returns and we can base any more or less money I made and adjust accordingly.
> 
> The funny thing is (and the card I am holding) is I made LESS money last year.
> 
> If this motion goes through, guess what my countermotion is going to be?
> 
> The sad thing to me about this is you know what I would like? Gee, how are you Scannerguard? You doing okay? I do still think of you now and then.
> 
> Like I said, you can't be that surprised that all the women party to this are thinking about the men in terms of $$$ signs, current wives and ex-wifes alike.
> 
> Like Chris Rock jokes: Men cannot go backwards sexually. . .Women cannot go backwards in lifestyle. Can't do it. CAnnnnnnn't do it.


I shouldn't jump on you - I am projecting my dislike for ex on you. Long story but he is trying to SCREW me (quit job on purpose, hiding funds through wife etc.). I don't know your story - but I hate game playing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Scannerguard

Golfer,

Nor should I ever project on a woman needing child support. No, I work, I do take my deductions for my business but nothing outrageous. I do make under the average for my profession but it's not on purpose. . .alwyas have. . .maybe I am just a bad business person. Honestly, that was a reason she divorced me so now she is free to pursue that lifestyle.

I asked my attorney that question - should I just produce it? Save time and energy and hassle?

It didn't even make it to the attorney. The legal assistant said there's nothing in the judgment that says I have to produce it and it's too soon for her to ask for an increase. And like you note with income imputation, I feel it just opens up Pandora's box, giving her information.

"Don't feed the bears. They only just get more hungry" as he said.

I do consider the matter private and I don't appreciate her just being able to do an audit on demand.

How about now that I am established in my house that we move from a 60/40 split to a 50/50 split and then she OWES me child support?

I have a feeling my attorney, if she decides to corner us, will go for this on a crossmotion.


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## Scannerguard

PS: You know. . . I don't play any games. . .yes, I take my deductions for my retirement. . .I don't even get to count health insurance against child support now that I am paying, even though I can deduct it.

Yes, the threat of "income imputation" has always been held over me by her (I guess a lot of women do it). My attorney has said it's very difficult to prove - he coulda/woulda/shoulda been earning this or that.

Complicating that sort of a legal challenge. . .well, I gave up alimony as part of the settlement. . .so now if she would impute my income, do I get to go back and ask for alimony that I waived?

No.

Settled is settled.

Move on.

I don't even use a fancy accountant. . .I use a tax preparer from H&R Block.

Add to this, she has not downsized her lifestyle one ioata. . .still living in the McMansion we used to live in, paying those ginormous taxes. . .I am not sympathetic.

I did offer her 3 years back taxes with a 3 year average. That way it's a "fair" average.

I am not sure why women/ex-wives think becuase I bring home an extra $100.00 that week, that I immediately have to surrender $33 to them for the kid's benefit? How about I put it in a college account for them? Take them to an amusement park?

Who says the mother is the better fidicuiary of the money? Rather presumptuous, don't you think?

Anyway, back to the OP's problem, I guess with my own bias lately, I see a lot of women just acting like buzzards on a piece of carrion when it comes to guy's incomes.


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## rolltidemom86

why is he still paying child support if both children are out of school he shouldn't have too, he can get the payments lowered just takes some paperwork


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## golfergirl

Scannerguard said:


> PS: You know. . . I don't play any games. . .yes, I take my deductions for my retirement. . .I don't even get to count health insurance against child support now that I am paying, even though I can deduct it.
> 
> Yes, the threat of "income imputation" has always been held over me by her (I guess a lot of women do it). My attorney has said it's very difficult to prove - he coulda/woulda/shoulda been earning this or that.
> 
> Complicating that sort of a legal challenge. . .well, I gave up alimony as part of the settlement. . .so now if she would impute my income, do I get to go back and ask for alimony that I waived?
> 
> No.
> 
> Settled is settled.
> 
> Move on.
> 
> I don't even use a fancy accountant. . .I use a tax preparer from H&R Block.
> 
> Add to this, she has not downsized her lifestyle one ioata. . .still living in the McMansion we used to live in, paying those ginormous taxes. . .I am not sympathetic.
> 
> I did offer her 3 years back taxes with a 3 year average. That way it's a "fair" average.
> 
> I am not sure why women/ex-wives think becuase I bring home an extra $100.00 that week, that I immediately have to surrender $33 to them for the kid's benefit? How about I put it in a college account for them? Take them to an amusement park?
> 
> Who says the mother is the better fidicuiary of the money? Rather presumptuous, don't you think?
> 
> Anyway, back to the OP's problem, I guess with my own bias lately, I see a lot of women just acting like buzzards on a piece of carrion when it comes to guy's incomes.


Fair is fair and somehow I think we're on different spectrums of the 'being screwed with' scale. 

In Canada, where I am, child support rules state you are supposed to share income tax yearly. From reading, apparently States rules are different.

In my situation my ex complained to our kids how he 'overpaid' me child support. He couldn't afford this or that for them because of me. Apparently, he started believing his own crap, took ME to court to have things lowered. When courts recalculated, he owed me an extra $260 a month plus $5000 back pay. Funny thing is, I was satisfied with what I had and would have left it alone.

Only thing I would ask on both ends - keep it about the kids. Don't use child support as a weapon to beat the crap out of the paying spouse and make them suffer to ends of the world and don't use it to starve the receiving 'family'. If paying spouse starts new family with someone else, doesn't mean kids from previous marriage fail to exist and no longer need support and you can walk away. 

My H lost his own kids over child support. Didn't come from me, I never discussed it. Even when he didn't pay and I had to force court order through Maintenance Enforcement Office, kids didn't know. They didn't know what I got til he told them. Through his blabberings and bitterness, they feel he doesn't value them enough to pay for them. He can afford 3 big vacations a year but tries to weasel out of paying for them. They're 19 (no longer pays for her) and 16 now and they know who b!tched about child support and it wasn't me. 

Had my ex come to me and said he hated his job, could we work something out until he found something else, great, let's parent our kids with teamwork and figure it out. But when you get told he can't afford to pay you but is leaving on his Easter cruise and September is his Vegas get-away and December is his Mexican resort get-away, I kind of call bullsh!t.

This is general soap box rant, not directed at anyone in particular!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DvHH

Mrs Tina said:


> first i have to say I NEVER SAID THAT HE SHOULD NOT PAY WHAT HE OWES. And i would get a job with no problem but i have no one to watch my son and i know some of you moms are saying daycare but my son is 8 month old and can not talk and tell me if someone dose something to him so that is not an option for me.I do not have any family were we stay to help me out and watch my son and another thing my husband is not a dead beat dad the time he didnt pay child support was because he was out of work. he has always taken care of his kids or we who not have a baby together I would not be with him if he was cause my dad paid child support but never try to have a relationship with me but i know for some women it all about the money and trying to hurt the man but his ex wife didnt have to do it all by her self my husband was very active in rising his kids and still till this day if he has it his kids can get it. he had his kids ever summer until there last years in high school. I didnt know he owe a big amount in back child support when we got together because he was paying current child support then. He ex has never had to be on walfare or anything like that she has always made good money and when my husband was with her and after he was making good money to so the two kids has never had to go with out. And i have said to myself what would i do if i was her and personaly i would not want the money at this point cause my kids are doing great and i make good money and i would not want anybody doing this to me so i would say F*** the money it is only people who what to hurt the other person who wants the money. So to all the moms out their who feel like your kids father owes you something you are worng because the only thing that should matter is the child but people dont thing like that and when you dont your only hurting the child cause their the one that matters


*
Hello Mrs. Tina,

i understand he should pay her what he owes and that you SAY that you agree but --do you REALLY mean this? 
Or are you just saying it?

I don't believe you meant this at all-- because you ended your post with this contradictory statement:

"So to all the moms out their who feel like your kids father owes you something you are worng because the only thing that should matter is the child but people dont thing like that and when you dont your only hurting the child cause their the one that matters"

You hit the nail on the head that "the children are all that matters."

THIS is WHY the ex wife wants her money back because she KNEW that her children matter. 

Meanwhile, your husband clearly did not think his kids mattered at ALL. That' why he stiffed them out of 20 years' worth of court-ordered child-support!

(Aren't you the least bit CONCERNED that he's going to do the exact same thing to you and your son? This is how he operates. You wait and see.)

Now, when you made that statement Mrs. Tina, were you talking about the well-being of Children in general?

No
I believe you are referring to the well-being of YOUR OWN child.

The well-being of YOUR child is not that woman's responsibility and it is not her responsibility to overlook that debt your husband owes.

You're worried about the well being of your son.
Your son's well-being is ALSO the responsibility of your husband.

THAT's the problem.

That ex wife is not going to overlook the debt owed to her by her ex husband in PITY for you and YOUR son.
Why should she?
Nobody helped HER when SHE was in need. Plus, your son represents to her a slap i her face that your selfish husband dares to bring yet another child into this world who he cannot support.
(Shame on him)

You can forget about that woman not wanting her money right now.
It ain't gonna happen.
(And it shouldn't either.)


The well-being of her children is why she was willing to SACRIFICE out of her OWN cost of living intended for taking care of her self for the sake of her kids.... and do whatever it took topay for the kids' upbringing.
Now she wants her money back.
She deserves it back.
You are right when you opened your post, saying that you agree she deserves to get her money returned.

Now --stick with that thought and do not contradict yourself with your closing statement:

" So to all the moms out their who feel like your kids father owes you something you are wrong "



I think your point is that you are understandably in panic-mode because you cannot see how on earth you and your baby boy are going to survive.
I am sure his ex wife felt much the same when he did not help to financially support his kids for 20 years.

Unfortunately, while i sympathize deeply with how this current situation is stressful and causing you much anguish as a Mother, yourself, I have to say that your Husband is an EXTREMELY IRRESPONSIBLE MAN who has gotten himself into a great deal of financial strife, for which you and your beloved baby boy are suffering. (And you ARE suffering)

You must not blame the lady to whom he has incurred this outlandish debt for your and your son's situation. 

He is entirely responsible for creating this horrible situation.
you are responsible for marrying a man with no money and then agreeing to have a baby with him.

if i were you, I'd file for divorce, work from home, hire a sitter or take a course over the computer or go to night school so i could get a good job.

By the looks of this guy's track-record, you're not going to be supported properly by this man. He's too deep in debt.

I do suspect you did not know about his irresponsibility and poverty at the time.


The ex wife was clever and industrious enough to figure out how to survive this nightmare HE put her into.
She sacrificed her own happiness and life's dreams (at the time) to do whatever she had to do to put bread on the table, clothe and house her children. She is to be commended,for the sacrifices she was FORCED to make because of your husband; laxing off on his moral and legal and parental responsibilities.

Just because NOW she is back on her feet and doing OK now, don't punish her by saying she is selfish for wanting to be to be compensated for this debt he owes her.

She's understandably angry that he put her in that horrible situation and she wants justice: She deserves her money back and not to have to wait and take tiny wee payments from him.
She has already waited 20 years.
The money is long since past due.

She is not going to take pity on you or your husband because now, you're basically in the identical situation she was in, only you only have ONE child where she had TWO....and you at least still have him.

She did everything all by her self.

I can only assume that when he met you he created the illusion that he could afford to wine, dine and seduce you. I can safely assume he did not take you on dates to the local Church soup-kitchen.No. No sane woman would allow herself to be courted by such a blatant popper. 

He showed you a good time with what he was PRESENTING to you to be his "SURPLUS" cash, when, in reality:he had NO surplus money at all. He entered into your relationship while neck-deep in DEBT.("Nice guy")

He was wooing you on cash that was intended to pay back for the support owes to the Mother of his children that she was forced to pay.

He basically disrespected his children, his first wife and you under false pretenses...charmed you with the illusion he was not broke..

He must have hidden this big FACT from you when he met you.

Surely he did not meet you and announce "Oh by the way, I am in DEEP debt to my ex for 20 years back child support" and am flat broke-I know! Let's get married and have a baby and live in poverty!"

You would have (wisely) run away!

He may SEEM be a NICE man Mrs. Tina but really--come on. 
"Nice" men do not do this and "NICE" does not pay the bills. Money does.

Honestly, did you know he was THIS broke when you married him? 
I doubt it.

On a final closing note:
You mention that "ex wives these days of being all about money"
But you know in your heart that MONEY is a necessity of LIFE in our Society.
No money = no food or power or nice things for your baby.

YOU need money from your husband to raise your baby.
So did the first wife. 
He did not give her any money. For 20 years!
Imagine? 
What would you Do right now if suddenly you had not one penny from him to help support your baby?
Well, that is what she had to figure out but with TWO babies!

As your child ages, the cost of parenting is going to go up a LOT. Kids are very expensive! 
You don't want your kid to go to school on empty stomach with old, ratty, undersized clothes and the other kids tease him.

Imagine now if your husband refused to help you at all for money to feed your baby.

Imagine he gave you no money for the rent or formula or diapers.
Imagine it was entirely up to YOU to figure out how to make that money for the next 20 years.

Imagine you figure out a way to make this happen and you SACRIFICE your lie's dreams to do it.

This would be so hard on your Mrs.Tina.

You are Married and you don't even know how you're going to survive.

imagine if your husband left you and did that.
What woul you DO?

Well, this is exactly what your 'wonderful' husband DID to that poor ex wife of his.

He made her do it all by her self.
The nights she must have spent crying and worrying how she is going to feed those babies and pay for day care.
You should speak with her and ask her all she went through.

He took off and did not help her one penny for 20 YEARS.
The woman wants her money back..
She is mad as hell and she wants justice.
I don't blame her one bit.
Do YOU?

Don't blame her for that.

That bit of cash he was ordered to pay her was probably a drop in the bucket financially of the TRUE amount she spent on her kids monthly.

And that money does not make up for her all those nights by herself doing EVERYTHING aside from JUST the financial aspect of parenting.
She must have been chronically exhausted!

Imagine? Lonely, scared. all by herself with not one but 2 babies to care for 20 years.

She had it 2 times as hard as you have it...and she had no husband there like you do. 

He left her alone to fend for herself.

You could probably learn a lot from this woman.

You should talk to her.
Ask her how she managed. I bet she could give you some good survival advice o how to raise a child on your own.

If you met her before you got married, she would have KINDLY warned you to stay away from this man who does not honor his child support.

look at his history.
Learn from his history.

I know a man who works 3 jobs to support his kids.
Drives a cab at night, teaches guitar lessons on weekends and works part time job in day during the week.


People who don't care about money are never going to get money.
Your husband owes a debt and he must pay it.

I understand that you need the money more than the now affluent ex wife. I get what you are saying but he owes her that. An she is not going to suddenly be feeling NICE to him and giving that man who ripped her of a big gentle heart of charity.
So forget that option or the injustice that you seem to see.
HE is to blame. Not ex wife.

He might not be a bad man but he is a foolish man in debt.
I say "foolish" quite confidently because only a fool would bring yet anther baby into this world when he failed to finance the other 2 kids f or 20 years.


YOU want and need that money he owes HER for YOUR baby....because you DO care about money.And well you should. I understand. But it is not your money and it is not his money.
It is the money belonging wife of the Mother of his 2 other children.

You married the wrong man who cannot provide for you and your son.

So, what are you going do NOW?
You're n a very desperate situation.
You need to investigate your alternative options.


You're in a panic. Maybe consider contacting some government services to see what your options are.

You're living now in abject poverty by the sounds of it and are surely qualified to make use of food banks, free used clothing banks and possibly even government funded re-education or student loans so you can get an education.

There's all sorts of government funded free resources a person in your position can use.Go to your local place of worship or welfare office / food bank and start asking questions.Tell them your situation.. Get informed. Get some assistance so you and your son don't end up in even more dire straights.

Poverty is not a powerful aphrodisiac.
Your marriage might suffer.
Best to have as many options investigated for you and your son.

But in this situation with the Ex Wife and her money,
she needs and deserves that money to be replenished. 

Like I said, 
This is not about the ex wife's 'revenge" or lack of "kindness". 
This is about BUSINESS.. 


I don't know what to suggest for you other than to start thinking heavily about an escape route: a Plan B of what you shall do in the event your husband bails on you and your beloved son.

Husband made his bad and now he must face the consequences.

Meanwhile, if I were you, I'd consider taking a job working from home taking delivery orders on the phone for some fast food place; something where you can work from home OR maybe working at night or a time when your husband can take care of his son. 2 income family.

OR you could watch other people's kids from your home for a job along with your own. Lots of Mothers do this.

If you decide to divorce your husband , lets see how long you "don't care about money" and getting his child support for YOUR own son.
How will YOU support your OWN baby?
Be careful because this man has a documented track-record of not paying his debts.

if you found yourself to be a single Mother, I fear you' too would be in the same situation as the previous wife because his past behavior shows he'd not pay YOU your owe child support either.*

I wish you and your son good fortune.
This is not at all your fault and I hope things improve.


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## FourtyPlus

Not sure if there are more affordable options to rent in your area but you can work on bringing down your utility bill and you can certainly cancel your cable. Cut your utility bill by 1/3 and cut out the cable, that's an extra $150 in your pocket each month.


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## FrozenFyre

I know all too well about the issue of back child support. My fiance has five - yes, that's right, FIVE - children that he currently is paying arrears for. 

I am well aware that he will be paying for the rest of his life. 

My fiance is a responsible man - but let's face it, five children is a LOT to be paying for. He went through a very ugly divorce, and he literally got SCREWED. He is now serving what is essentially a life sentence, but he pays as much as he can, when he can. When child support tables dictate that ONE child is worth over 300 dollars a month - ONE???!!!?? - multiply that by five, and you have a man that basically is an indentured servant.

We don't argue the facts. The kids are here. He pays for them. It means that our two-income household is basically a ONE-income household - because he sure can't contribute anything to our finances. I understand that. I can't expect him to. 

Two of his children are approaching 18 years old. But he'll still pay for them for the rest of his life. 

The only advice that I can offer you is to strip down as much as you can, and help him out, because with the way the child support laws are skewed, you can bet that he'll end up just like my fiance - an indentured servant. It's not right. It's NOT fair. But it's the way it is.

I'm aware that this is a hot-button topic, and I'm not saying that child support shouldn't be awarded. But the amounts are simply sky-high, and in my view, exorbitant and excessive.

ETA: Just to clarify, my situation is not similar to the OP's; my fiance's troubles was initiated by his ex-wife because of infidelity on her part, and she unfortunately got everything in the divorce, including custody, child support and nearly all marital assets. He was left with virtually nothing. We are gearing up for a court fight for at least visitation; he doesn't even get that. And yet he's not bitter. He should be, because I'd be mad as hell. 

His ex-wife still deserves the support money. We're not in argument over that. We're in argument over the fact that it's all 100% skewed her way, as of right now. That WILL change.


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## EleGirl

So your husband did not tell you the truth about his obligations before you had a baby with him? IT’s him you should be very upset with.

What the two of you should have done is paid off the child support and then had your own baby. with the two of you working it could have been paid off in much less time.

You say he did not pay for a while because he was not employed, and now his pay is lower. Did he go to court to have it lowered when he was not employed? How about when he could not find a job at the higher pay? Now he does not want to go to court? 

I have no doubt that if you were the first wife with the two children you would do the same thing she is doing. 

You are going to have to do something more than you are doing. One thing you can do is to do child care in your home. You can probably do your own little business at the same time. There are usually state requirements but it’s not that hard to get certified. This way you can be home with your child.


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## EleGirl

FrozenFyre,

What state was the divorce in that she got everything and he did to even get visitation? That does not even follow what the law dictates. Didn’t he have an attorney?

Why is he behind on child support?


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## FrozenFyre

EleGirl said:


> FrozenFyre,
> 
> What state was the divorce in that she got everything and he did to even get visitation? That does not even follow what the law dictates. Didn’t he have an attorney?
> 
> Why is he behind on child support?


Same reason as Mrs. Tina; job loss, economy down, struggling. With 5 kids, that adds up VERY quickly. 

The divorce occurred in Texas. Visitation wasn't an issue until he moved out of state - now she's giving him hell because she doesn't want her kids traveling 1000 miles and she says "it costs too much" to send them all. (She may have a point with that one, but still.)

Visitation only applies to three of them now because the two oldest are more or less adults and can decide for themselves at this point.

I'm not saying that his ex-wife (or any parent) is wrong in wanting child support - they're not, and they certainly do deserve it, it takes two to create children. I just think that what's wrong is the amounts that the courts expect people to pay - it's simply not realistic. 300 a month for one child, fine. 300 x 5? Unlivable. How can someone be expected to work or even afford to GET to work to pay that kind of money if they can't even afford a place to live?

Sorry for the soapbox, but I have strong opinions on this issue. As a child of divorced parents myself, I've seen how difficult it is when a single parent attempts to raise a child alone - I was there. My mother got 12.50 a WEEK for me - that's right, 12.50 a week. Fifty dollars a month. Granted, it was 1975, but that's still not very much even by 1970s standards.

Trust me, I KNOW how unfair it can be.


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## Ayla

$1500 a month for five children is grocery money and maybe 1-2 utilities unless you feed the kids ramen and baloney and you live in a trailer park. It's a lot for dad to pay but I doubt mom is living the high life off that amount of money. What's the alternative? Sorry kids but dad has to live too so kick rocks? Dad's got five kids so life stinks but mom loses out too...she has five children to take care of mostly alone. If he is an indentured servant so is the mother of his children. The term is usually 18-21years for both parties when you bring children into the world. What's the alternative? Reduce his support and let mom go on govt assistance? Let the tax payers pick up the slack so that dad is not punished? So what if he made five kids he has a right to move on and start over? Having kid's really is like a prison sentence. Choosing to have them means your life goes on hold until they are of age. This might mean getting a second job, or not dating, or sacrificing another marriage and future children for both ex-spouses. 




FrozenFyre said:


> I'm not saying that his ex-wife (or any parent) is wrong in wanting child support - they're not, and they certainly do deserve it, it takes two to create children. I just think that what's wrong is the amounts that the courts expect people to pay - it's simply not realistic. 300 a month for one child, fine. 300 x 5? Unlivable. How can someone be expected to work or even afford to GET to work to pay that kind of money if they can't even afford a place to live?


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## turnera

FrozenFyre said:


> Two of his children are approaching 18 years old. But he'll still pay for them for the rest of his life.


You keep saying that, but I'm confused: Once they turn 18, they are adults and SHOULD be expected to take care of themselves financially, unless you are helping them pay for college. Other than that, parents should NOT be supporting 18+ children financially. To do so actually harms them because they aren't learning to take care of themselves. So, technically, aside from maybe a wedding or some such, his financial responsibility will be over.


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## turnera

FF, why did they get divorced?


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## Ayla

Realistically? How many 18 year olds are in a position to be financially independent? You have a H.S diploma at best. You haven't had a chance to finish college or a trade program for that matter. Should mom pack a cardboard suitcase and tell the kid to get lost? Yes, the kid should have at least part time work and use it to help themselves or the household... if they can even find work with the poor economy. Legally dad's responsiblity is over at 18 unless the kid is in college but that doesn't make it right. My bf ex stopped sending cs when their son turned 18 but continued sending money directly to his son at that point so mom wasn't left 100% on the hook just because it's legal to do it.



turnera said:


> You keep saying that, but I'm confused: Once they turn 18, they are adults and SHOULD be expected to take care of themselves financially, unless you are helping them pay for college. Other than that, parents should NOT be supporting 18+ children financially. To do so actually harms them because they aren't learning to take care of themselves. So, technically, aside from maybe a wedding or some such, his financial responsibility will be over.


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## turnera

Ok, assuming this 18 year old is not in college (during which I will keep supporting my child until she graduates and maybe 6 months afterward)...

What's wrong with finding 3 or 4 friends and sharing an apartment? You learn how to spend money wisely, you learn negotiation to keep from getting kicked out, you learn to value your job and treat it (and your bosses) with respect. You learn to cook cheaply. You learn to love resale shops. You learn how to work 2 jobs if you have to, like people did in the past (and some people still do).

In other words, you learn to be self-sufficient, which is your parent's primary job. You aren't doing your kids any favors by letting them live with you just because times are tough. McDonalds will always be hiring.


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## Bobby5000

You may want to evaluate filing this on your own. Obviously since your husband is having difficulty paying support, the lawyer will want sufficient money upfront. 




Mrs Tina said:


> Hello first thank you for reading this. First let me give you a little info on me and my husband. This is my first marriage and his third. We have a 8 month old son and my husband has two other kids that are 19 and 20. Now the issue is he has back childsupport that he pays it come out of his check every two weeks half of his check goes to childsupport. My problem is that my husband is bringing home $200.00 every other week and he dose have a little side job that gives him $170.00 a week but that is not enought to cover everything that we need are current rent is $835.00 a month and the lights and gas is about $150.00 a month and the cable is a$100.00 a month now if you add that up with what he bring home you can see that we cant spend a dime cause it all goes to bills and I have not even bought food or household supplies or things for the baby. I have talked to my husband about the childsupport over and over and ask him to put in the paper work to get the payments lowered but nothing has changed I asked him to get a lawyer and still nothing we have argue about this sever times i dont know what else to do i am tried of this the ex wife that is getting the back childsupport payment makes $2500.00 a month and eitheir of there kids stay with them. Now i am not in any way saying that he should not pay what he owes I want him to pay just want it to be fare cause he dose have a son that is not even a year old that he needs to provide for. This is to the point where I am thing about leaving because he is not handling his buisness. If anyone has a sugustion please give it to me cause I am at my last string


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## that_girl

His kids are grown...is this college fees?

My dad stopped when I was 18. College wasn't written into it. They had no dreams for me LOL kidding...


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## that_girl

I got student loans, a job, and went to college. Wtf. People baby their kids too much these days...which is why it's hard to find a real adult under the age of 25.


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## SunnyT

No, it's back pay from years he didn't pay anything. It doesn't go to the kids... it goes to the mom as back pay.

It's fair.


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## Agast84

Seeing the reality of various situations, I fear filing for divorce. Looks like I will never be an attractive partner to anyone due to my conviction of paying for my kids. 

My ex has some problems (her family and herself) and will support financially,that scares me.


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## that_girl

SunnyT said:


> No, it's back pay from years he didn't pay anything. It doesn't go to the kids... it goes to the mom as back pay.
> 
> It's fair.


Yes, that is totally fair.

My dad owed backpay to my mom and my stepmom. 

Checks were sent to us  as grown women. I signed mine over to my mom because she was the one working two jobs to support me when he was a deadbeat.

So...OP, this is fair. He made children...he has to pay.


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## CandieGirl

In addition to our other issues, H and I have a child support issue as well. He's been great about paying! Very honourable. But we are suffering financially. He too, refuses to go through the proper channels to get the payments lowered, even though it's almost certain that we'd win. He's afraid the ex will wind up with more, so we continue to suffer! I tell myself, that it's not forever (his kids are 13 and 15), and when it's over we'll have a huge party to celebrate the end of the gauging. His child support payments plus his kids education savings plan equal my entire yearly salary.


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## turnera

Agast84 said:


> Seeing the reality of various situations, I fear filing for divorce. Looks like I will never be an attractive partner to anyone due to my conviction of paying for my kids.
> 
> My ex has some problems (her family and herself) and will support financially,that scares me.


Well, that's the price you'll pay for having kids. *shrug*

Do the honorable thing and take care of YOUR KIDS for now, and plan to date in another 5-10 years. Plenty of other things to do in this world beside finding a woman to take to bed.


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## turnera

CandieGirl said:


> His child support payments plus his kids education savings plan equal my entire yearly salary.


And his kids are trying to grow up healthy physically and mentally after having their home split up. And, after spending 5-10-15 years paying for them to have not as MUCH of a f'd up childhood for that, he'll be able to move on, knowing that he was honorable and put his children first - where they SHOULD be. After all, they didn't choose to be born, and they didn't choose to be dependent on divorced parents.


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## pidge70

turnera said:


> And his kids are trying to grow up healthy physically and mentally after having their home split up. And, after spending 5-10-15 years paying for them to have not as MUCH of a f'd up childhood for that, he'll be able to move on, knowing that he was honorable and put his children first - where they SHOULD be. After all, they didn't choose to be born, and they didn't choose to be dependent on divorced parents.


When you talk like that, it makes my girl crush on you so much stronger.....lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

CandieGirl said:


> In addition to our other issues, H and I have a child support issue as well. He's been great about paying! Very honourable. But we are suffering financially. He too, refuses to go through the proper channels to get the payments lowered, even though it's almost certain that we'd win. He's afraid the ex will wind up with more, so we continue to suffer! I tell myself, that it's not forever (his kids are 13 and 15), and when it's over we'll have a huge party to celebrate the end of the gauging. His child support payments plus his kids education savings plan equal my entire yearly salary.


While this is your husband's legal issue and not yours, why not go see an attorney yourself first. Explain that you want to know how the current situation would alter the child support. Then take your husband to the attorney and make him sit through the attornie's findings. Most states have software calculators that figure out the support depending on a lot of parameters.

This way he would know before going to court what his support level should be. Thus he'd know if he should pursue this. You need to really put the presure on him for this.

Once this is done, then you need to accept the outcome and quit complaining about your husband taking responsibility for the children he had before he met you. You decided to marry and have a baby with a man who has other children to support. You now have to live the reality of that choice.


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## diwali123

You have two options: watch other people's kids in your home or get a job in a day care where your son goes. That's what I did in some ways it was harder because we couldn't be in the same class and when she'd see me it would upset her. But I knew her teachers and I knew what was going on and saw her all the time. 
You have NO idea what it's like to have an ex who doesn't pay child support or what she has gone through. He had no business having another child if he couldn't afford to finish paying his obligations to his first two children. My ex has been laying 50% of his net income to me for six months to make up for quitting for five months. You have no idea what I went through. I don't care how old the kids are, that's money that she spent on the kids' clothes, food, presents, housing and insurance. 
I'm sorry but I don't feel bad for you. You knew what you were getting into. Right now the state is probably collecting the back amount and even if she wanted to lower it, it's not up to her once child support enforcement gets involved. I'm sorry if that's harsh but that's reality. I hope you find a way to bring more money in and lower your expenses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000

"I have talked to my husband about the childsupport over and over and ask him to put in the paper work to get the payments lowered but nothing has changed I asked him to get a lawyer." 

Why do you believe this is so easy. Unfortunately for you, his obligation to existing children come first. I am sure things are financially difficult, but that alone will not justify a change in support obligations. Both sides usually complain, and it is not uncommon for both to be unhappy. Yyour post does not explain how the lawyer is going to be paid. Are you going to spend 1,000-3,000 for legal fees with uncertain result.


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