# Considering divorcing a man with Asperger's



## rach75 (Apr 27, 2015)

I am new here and hoping to get some input. 
I have been with my husband for about 4 years. I knew he had Asperger's going into this. We met online and only met 4-5 times before we got married. (We had a long-distance relationship.) I wish I had listened to my inner voice before I even agreed to marry him, but he was then, and still is, very intimidating and intense. Anyway, I have given my all to this relationship and am done! I can't be in a marriage where I am not valued but manipulated, used, and feel like I'm walking on egg shells. I can't just leave because we live on my parents' yard and it would not be fair to them to deal with him. I have told him time and again that I'm done. He doesn't say anything, really, when I say this. If we lived in another apartment or house, I would have been gone a long time ago. I can't work as much as I would like because, even though he doesn't drive, he wants me to work when he wants me to. I am doing everything in this marriage - cooking, working, cleaning, driving.... If I don't spend the money the way he wants me to I'm afraid he'll retaliate and cut me off. 

I would like to find a facility for him to live in before the divorce/separation happens, otherwise he would live on the streets. Maybe that's crazy to think about. 

He's very lazy. All he does all day is sleep, eat, and play on his phone or computer. When I ask him to help me, depending on his mood, he will act like I'm asking him to do brain surgery. If he wants to do it, he will. 

Like I said, I'm done. I need help getting him out because he won't go willingly. 

Thanks.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

How old are you?

I'm so curious about your situation because my Asperger's cousin (in a totally different state from you) married a woman a couple years ago, and I know they have had issues, but I'm not sure exactly what they are. But, I do know my cousin, and I can imagine how difficult it would be to married to him.

Respectfully, do you have any psychiatric/mental/emotional/personality diagnosis of your own? I'm asking since you said you only met him 4-5 times before you married. Why was that?

Did you know he has Asperger's before you married him?


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I am ASD myself and we are all so different. In my own way I have been a difficult husband, but nothing like yours. I don't think there are any institutions for high functioning ASDs and to be honest I can function on my own as well as non-ASDs. There is no reason he can't be on his own too.
I can understand why you would want this guy out of your life, and want to see him in a safe place. Think of yourself, because he won't. He may not process emotions well and as my wife tells me when I am away from her I don't really think of her. She is right. It is hard work sometimes for me to remember the world does not revolve around me or to respond to people like a non-ASD might. I do my best, but I still make missteps and hurt her and others. It sounds like he isn't trying at all.
I hope there is some way you can get this guy out of your life and find someone who will treat you right.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

It may not be lazy exactly, more like fixation. He may well be lost in his own little world with his game. Personally, I need to remember that having a clean clutter free house is important, but not to become obsessive about it. When I am researching or writing on my computer I can disappear and be really reluctant to leave it.


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## rach75 (Apr 27, 2015)

I'm almost 40. 
For your information, we only met that many times because we lived in different states. We met online. I did know he had Asperger's but I didn't know it was to this extent.


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## rach75 (Apr 27, 2015)

I think you're right that as many ASDs there are, there are that many different situations. I honestly don't believe he can live on his own for many reasons. I appreciate you being optimistic, but realistically it is not possible. I'm glad you are aware of the obstacles you have. I'm sure that it helps in your marriage. In answer to your post about being lazy. I really do think it's laziness and possibly part of fixation. But there are things he's very fixated on and obsessed about. He makes excuses as to not to help around the house or work.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Move him out, change the locks, file for D.

Mention to the family court commissioner that your husband is autistic and now living in his own apartment. Ask to move forward with the temporary order as fast as possible. The FCC will decide his living situation from that point on. You may need to keep 2 homes, clean, make sure bills are taken care of, fill out his state aid, shop for him till the D is final.

Talk to a lawyer, mental disorders are legal cause for annulment in most states.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I have an uncle and a nephew who are aspergers and I can't imagine them sustaining a marriage even if they were married to angels. 

You need to see a lawyer.


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## rach75 (Apr 27, 2015)

Update- I have told my husband I want a separation. He answered and said that he won't sign a separation. Can I file for separation without his signature? How does this work? 

Thanks to those who replied already.


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## Amorous (May 14, 2015)

Who was he living with before meeting you? His parents I would guess? I would send him back, if he refuses I would call his parents and ask them to pick him up explaining that while he can't stay, I am worried about his wellbeing if I just kick him out.

I believe if he refuses to sign divorce takes longer but you will eventually get it regardless if he agrees or not, his issue might actually speed things up.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yes you can file for separation without needing his signature. You can get a divorce without his consent as well. My question however is, why do you want a separation instead of a divorce? In the U.S., a separation is essentially the same thing as a divorce, legally speaking, except in name. If you already know that you want a divorce, then there is no reason to drag it out any further. If you aren't 100% sure, but you feel like you need the legal protections right now of a separation, then that makes sense.

But bottom line, you can get a separation or divorce completely on your own without his involvement. All he could do is fight a property settlement at this point, which might drag that part out, but the divorce itself would be granted as soon as the state waiting period expires. (In my state for instance, it's 90 days)


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