# Husband cheated, this time it was a PA



## Sweetpegasus80 (Aug 1, 2017)

So I've been here before when my husband cheated the first time 7 years ago. He had an EA with a girl he met online and fell in love with her and was about to leave me for her. I did the suggested course, kicked him out, told him we were through... etc. but after a week and a promise that we would get marriage counseling, I let him come back and we worked on us.

Fast forward those 7 years.. we've known each other for 16 years, married for 11... 2 kids 7 and 5. We'd been doing good. Sex every night. Tell each other we find each other attractive and kiss and say I love you and all that. Then a month ago he started getting new hobbies. He took up riding dirt bikes again because people at work had them (that was his excuse). I know he'd always loved riding so I didn't fight when he got one and started leaving on Sunday's to ride with his friends. Then his leaving the family included staying out at the bar til 10-11pm on Fridays with the guys from work. Two weeks ago he stayed out til 2am and I got really scared because it was so unlike him. So I texted him "you coming home?" he came home about a half hour later. I found that really weird and started having the notion he was cheating. One thing I remembered from the last time is you trust your instincts... so the next morning I asked him why he was out so late and he said he got side tracked. I asked about if he was fooling around and he said no. So I let it go and just watched him closely. Then this last Friday he went out with the guys again and I texted and asked if he was gonna be out as late this week and he said no. So by 2:30am with him not home I'm starting to get pissed off. I know he's cheating. The signs are blaring... so I text him and ask if he's gonna come home and his excuse is he's super drunk and waiting it out. It's 2:30am... the bars closed at 2am... so I text this fact back and ask if he's sitting in his car and he says yes. I'm finished with him... so I go to sleep. I don't know when he got home. 

Next morning I'm pissed, something is up. I know it... so I'm in ignore you mode and stuff. Then he tells me he has plans to go for a camp out with friends and dirt bike while there and he'll leave and come back the following day. I ask will there be girls and I'm told it's boys only. The next day it's almost 6pm before he texts me that he's still 3 hours out and he's gonna stop and drink with the guys... ok... I'm not an idiot... so I pull up my laptop which I remember he left his Facebook open on one day months ago and I check his messages...... and my world falls apart again.

Her messages: 
I want your ****
My clit is still sensitive from last time
I want you to choke me
Hurry up and get here

So I text my wonderful adoring husband and tell him "I want a divorce.." and I send him screen shots of the fb conversation. Low and behold he's home in 10 minutes.... so much for being a few hours out yet... 

I kicked him out. He told me it was a mistake and he only slept with her once but once is enough. I'm divorcing him. 

He's begging me to let him back..: I tell him he told me the second he cheated that he didn't want me anymore and I couldn't trust a thing he said ever again. So after kicking him out he gets all sad and asks for money for a hotel. I tell him to go ahead and get one that night...

The whole night I walked around the house like a Ghost... I couldn't sleep, couldn't focus. Mind movies galore... so I text him to meet me at the bank tomorrow so we could split our bank accounts then I ask if he's with her. He says yes.... right there I knew there was no hope, but his excuse was he has no one else to talk to. He can't tell anyone what he did... 

I'm so done with his bs... everyone keeps cautioning me not to make any rash decisions but there is no way I'll take that man back. My mother in law is saying him cheating is 50% my fault because a marriage doesn't fail just because of one person... she had the audacity to tell me that when a marriage is failing it's just a matter of time before someone cheats and it just happened to be him..

I have 2 kids involved. I have no want to continue this relationship for their sake.. my daughter won't grow up thinking daddies get to cheat and my son won't grow up thinking it's ok to treat someone like this... 

Am I being too hard? This happened 2 nights ago and I'm just done. I don't even wanna try for R... I want him gone..


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You're dead on, IMO.

Your MIL is an idiot.

File tomorrow.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Don't question it ever. GTFO and stay the course. Everything he says is self serving and a lie.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You are not being too hard. 

Rally your girlfriends, or your sisters....find your support. 

Pack up all his stuff out of the bedroom. Spread your stuff out. Make it YOUR room. 

Quit talking to his mom. 

See an attorney or two, or ten. Figure out the correct procedure.

Quit talking to him. There is nothing he can say to make things ok. Only talk about kids, finances, and divorce. Don't confide feelings, problems, etc...


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Plain and simple, if he had any remorse at all that night he would have slept in his car, in a lawn chair in the back yard, anywhere but with her. You are very correct in your actions.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Seconding all the advice already given and more. Don't have any contact with him unless it concerns the logistics of divorce or the kids. As for his mom, well, in many cases, blood is thicker than water.


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## Sweetpegasus80 (Aug 1, 2017)

I have serious moments of weakness still, but I'm not wavering on getting back together. He begged me "please please! I'm sorry. I want to be with my family. I miss my kids. Let me stay in the guest bedroom."

I told him he's the most heartless cold bastard alive. Everything he says begins with "I" and "me"... I told him "I don't want my amazing son to grow up and turn into you."

I'm just trying to hold it together though for the kids. They know something's up and I know with kids I'll never be rid of him... so I'm trying to do my best.. but this is so hard. I go from exhaustion, to wandering aimlessly, to needing to talk to someone, to crying hysterically, to wanted to tell him what a piece of crap he is. 

My friends are suggesting maybe I wanted a divorce because I went so immediately to it's over. I went there because this is twice now and I still was having moments of doubt from the last time he cheated. I don't want to have those same mind movies. I remember every second of the first time he cheated, every emotion... I don't want this to engrave itself into my life like the first time did. Ill never forget the first time he cheated and this time is even worse. He actually screwed someone... he's saying it's stupid to end it all for a mistake... but I told him this was no mistake. You don't mistakingly screw someone else. This was intentional. 

But are they right? I know divorce is the way to go but am I skipping the usual steps and not taking my time? Why does everyone keep telling me I must have wanted this with how fast I went "I want a divorce"? Is it normal?


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

Omg your mil is a real c you next Tuesday . . . Leave his ass. Cheaters suck but serial cheaters are monsters. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Sweetpegasus80 said:


> I have serious moments of weakness still, but I'm not wavering on getting back together. He begged me "please please! I'm sorry. I want to be with my family. I miss my kids. Let me stay in the guest bedroom."
> 
> I told him he's the most heartless cold bastard alive. Everything he says begins with "I" and "me"... I told him "I don't want my amazing son to grow up and turn into you."
> 
> ...


You had your dealbreaker regarding cheating and you followed through. And you've already been through this once before. If your friends are questioning your decision or "how fast" you made the decision, then obviously they haven't heard about the saying "Fool me once..."

Folks who haven't been in your shoes wouldn't understand, OP. If you consider taking him back a third time, it'll send the message that he can do whatever the h3ll he wants and you'll put up with it. It's your life and your decision. And if you want blunt honesty, I'm pretty skeptical about your friends.

And you're right, it's not a mistake. Unfortunately, it seems that kind of thinking is what got him into the same exact mess (only worse) seven years later.


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## AussieRN (Mar 28, 2013)

Don't take him back. You're not being too hard. Quite the opposite. Tell EVERYONE he cheated.
Try not to cut the MIL out as she is the children's grandma. But DO tell her not to comment on anything related to the breakup.
Get some professional help to figure out how to explain it to the kids in terms they will understand. They will likely have a really hard time dealing with it all. 
Pack all his stuff up and get it out of the house.
Lawyer up.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Sweetpegasus80 said:


> Why does everyone keep telling me I must have wanted this with how fast I went "I want a divorce"? Is it normal?


Because they are not in your shoes.


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## Sweetpegasus80 (Aug 1, 2017)

Spoons027 said:


> Folks who haven't been in your shoes wouldn't understand, OP. If you consider taking him back a third time, it'll send the message that he can do whatever the h3ll he wants and you'll put up with it. It's your life and your decision.


I agree. I know he'll never stop cheating if I take him back. Taking him back only entered my mind once and it was because my MIL made me feel like it was my fault. I don't care if I was the worst wife ever... divorce me don't cheat... and I was far from the worst wife ever. I was supportive and loving and always there for him... but he knew when I took him back last time that I would never do this again... and he did it again. 

I appreciate your advice. Thank you.


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

I want to punch your mil square in the nose. If she had ANY kind of decency she'd be horrified by her son's actions. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

The only rash decision you made was letting him come back after a week the first time he cheated. 

Stay strong. Sorry, but your MIL and friends are so so so wrong. You speak with conviction. Trust yourself and don't waste another millisecond on this joke of a husband. If you feel weak, pull out those FB messages. Gross. 

See a lawyer asap and file.


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## Sweetpegasus80 (Aug 1, 2017)

dawnabon said:


> I want to punch your mil square in the nose. If she had ANY kind of decency she'd be horrified by her son's actions.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


I was so shocked I didn't even respond. I was just like... uh huh... later I thought of tons of witty responses but it was too late.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

SweetP I reread your post. First off, condolences for being in this situation. Try to manage the stress as best you can.

Without knowing all of the details of the first time, how does a man decide he's leaving his W for an EA? I am man and by nature I wouldn't consider leaving a good thing unless I had already been banging the OW. So most likely he was full-on cheating before. 

You mentioned your current relationship went from lovey-dovey to he suddenly wants to spend time without you. What changed in the household that made him want seek social activities without you? And did you want to go with him? Perhaps he lied to OW and she doesn't even know he is married.


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

Don't look back.


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## Sweetpegasus80 (Aug 1, 2017)

MAJDEATH said:


> SweetP I reread your post. First off, condolences for being in this situation. Try to manage the stress as best you can.
> 
> Without knowing all of the details of the first time, how does a man decide he's leaving his W for an EA? I am man and by nature I wouldn't consider leaving a good thing unless I had already been banging the OW. So most likely he was full-on cheating before.
> 
> You mentioned your current relationship went from lovey-dovey to he suddenly wants to spend time without you. What changed in the household that made him want seek social activities without you? And did you want to go with him? Perhaps he lied to OW and she doesn't even know he is married.


The first time he cheated he was out on disability and had nothing else to do. He was talking with a girl from Nebraska and they'd voice chat all day and night. I let it go at first because I'm a big gamer too. I wasn't into it like him though and I don't get emotionally involved. But he did. It was a rp game so he quickly mistook their friendship for love and one day I heard him telling her he loved her. I flipped out and that's when he told me he loved her and was leaving me and moving to Nebraska. Within 24 hours his tune changed. 

And we never stopped being lovey dovey this time. Up until him cheating on Friday (I personally believe it was the week before when he was out until 2am the first time) we'd had sex every night. I asked about going on the camp trip and he didn't want me to. And the last thing I wanna do is drag two kids up to the mountains to sit at camp while he rides through the woods. And drinking with the guys from work is only for people from his work. I've asked about it. I stay home and watch the kids and he has a few beers. I was uajlly ok with this cause it was only every Friday and normally only a couple hours.. not all night like it became 2 weeks ago and since. So all his hobbies were stuff we couldn't join him for. This was one of my red flags. 

The only thing I can possibly think might have been a fault on my part is up until a month ago I played a ton of video games. I would have sex with him then stay up for another hour and play video games (I have a hard time going to sleep at 9pm after getting home from work at 7pm). He felt I never went to sleep with him. That's been the only complaint I've gotten. And I stopped all that over a month ago. 

So honestly I have no idea what led to this. He admitted to having a problem and needing help when I caught him and he swore he was going to tell me about cheating.. but you know how that goes. 

And she knew he was married. I asked him that and he said yes... then I was a real bi7ch and stalked her profile and found a post about her "boyfriend" so I sent him my screenshots. He said they aren't dating anymore but she's a snake.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Well, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. You got it honey. 

Your mother inlaw may be projecting her own feelings. She may have been cheated on and you leaving her son for cheating invalidates her own choice to stay. (Perhaps... After all we dont know if she has been cheated on) Or she may have cheated. He is also her son, and motherly loyalty may be enough to say the things she said. 

As to him....You were on to him, he knew it and he was doing it anyway. That was a clear choice. 

Please commit to leaving him. He is wholly undeserving of forgiveness.


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## Sweetpegasus80 (Aug 1, 2017)

Mil was indeed cheated on. She stayed with my husbands father while he slept around and left every night as soon as my husband went to sleep to be with his lover (who he eventually married). This is why I'd have thought she'd be more sympathetic. She told me how much it hurt to watch him leave every night to be with his lover.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sweetpegasus80 said:


> So I've been here before when my husband cheated the first time 7 years ago. He had an EA with a girl he met online and fell in love with her and was about to leave me for her. I did the suggested course, kicked him out, told him we were through... etc. but after a week and a promise that we would get marriage counseling, I let him come back and we worked on us.
> 
> Fast forward those 7 years.. we've known each other for 16 years, married for 11... 2 kids 7 and 5. We'd been doing good. Sex every night. Tell each other we find each other attractive and kiss and say I love you and all that. Then a month ago he started getting new hobbies. He took up riding dirt bikes again because people at work had them (that was his excuse). I know he'd always loved riding so I didn't fight when he got one and started leaving on Sunday's to ride with his friends. Then his leaving the family included staying out at the bar til 10-11pm on Fridays with the guys from work. Two weeks ago he stayed out til 2am and I got really scared because it was so unlike him. So I texted him "you coming home?" he came home about a half hour later. I found that really weird and started having the notion he was cheating. One thing I remembered from the last time is you trust your instincts... so the next morning I asked him why he was out so late and he said he got side tracked. I asked about if he was fooling around and he said no. So I let it go and just watched him closely. Then this last Friday he went out with the guys again and I texted and asked if he was gonna be out as late this week and he said no. So by 2:30am with him not home I'm starting to get pissed off. I know he's cheating. The signs are blaring... so I text him and ask if he's gonna come home and his excuse is he's super drunk and waiting it out. It's 2:30am... the bars closed at 2am... so I text this fact back and ask if he's sitting in his car and he says yes. I'm finished with him... so I go to sleep. I don't know when he got home.
> 
> ...


This time make the divorce stick.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Sweetpegasus80 said:


> Her messages:
> 
> I want your ****
> My clit is still sensitive from last time
> ...


It only happened once. The biggest lie in cheating. Like "once" is a simple mistake and doesn't count. Your H is a serial cheater that really doesn't get it. My bet he has been F--king around for a long time and you just caught him. 

Lawyer up, bust him up with legal action.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your MIL reacted the way she did because she put up with her husband's **** and so now she expects you to do the same. Ignore her. As for anyone telling you that you've reacted too fast -- they're full of it too. This was his second chance and he knew it. Nothing there to really think about. However, he doesn't want a divorce so expect him to continue to try to convince you to R. He'll promise you the moon. Don't believe it. He's a serial cheater and they very, very rarely change.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It wasn't once. That's what they always say when there's evidence they can't get around. They have to admit (well, sometimes they continue to deny even with evidence) what's staring them in the face. Again, don't believe it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

His mom is likely partially why he is the way he is. I'd divorce him for sure, you deserve way better. So sorry this happened. How awful to discover all that on Facebook.


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## KaggyBear (Jan 16, 2017)

what a slimebag. he figured you would be a pushover the first time he stayed out until 2 am.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

Fire his ass, he is a no gooder, totally, you deserve more respect than he will ever give you, make him walk the plank, he deserves it, what a loser, you are not being too hard on him, not hard enough i would say.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Sounds like your husband picked up his cues from his parents. Good for you trying to keep your own son from following in his footsteps. You're making the right decision. 

I wouldn't listen to your mother in law either or worry about what she says. Sounds like she wants you to follow in her footsteps. And where did sticking with her cheating husband get her??? After allowing her husband to serial cheat with what I assume are little to no consequences, he left her.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Let him go, he's not the man you're looking for.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sweetpegasus80 said:


> So I've been here before when my husband cheated the first time 7 years ago. He had an EA with a girl he met online and fell in love with her and was about to leave me for her. I did the suggested course, kicked him out, told him we were through... etc. but after a week and a promise that we would get marriage counseling, I let him come back and we worked on us.
> 
> Fast forward those 7 years.. we've known each other for 16 years, married for 11... 2 kids 7 and 5. We'd been doing good. Sex every night. Tell each other we find each other attractive and kiss and say I love you and all that. Then a month ago he started getting new hobbies. He took up riding dirt bikes again because people at work had them (that was his excuse). I know he'd always loved riding so I didn't fight when he got one and started leaving on Sunday's to ride with his friends. Then his leaving the family included staying out at the bar til 10-11pm on Fridays with the guys from work. Two weeks ago he stayed out til 2am and I got really scared because it was so unlike him. So I texted him "you coming home?" he came home about a half hour later. I found that really weird and started having the notion he was cheating. One thing I remembered from the last time is you trust your instincts... so the next morning I asked him why he was out so late and he said he got side tracked. I asked about if he was fooling around and he said no. So I let it go and just watched him closely. Then this last Friday he went out with the guys again and I texted and asked if he was gonna be out as late this week and he said no. So by 2:30am with him not home I'm starting to get pissed off. I know he's cheating. The signs are blaring... so I text him and ask if he's gonna come home and his excuse is he's super drunk and waiting it out. It's 2:30am... the bars closed at 2am... so I text this fact back and ask if he's sitting in his car and he says yes. I'm finished with him... so I go to sleep. I don't know when he got home.
> 
> ...


You are doing the right thing. You gave him the gift of reconciliation the last time and now he does this. IMO this may not be the first time but the only time he has been caught.
As for your MIL, of course she would say that, she is HIS mother!

Please expose your WH to your family friends, etc so he and his mother cannot rewrite history.
See a lawyer, get your ducks in a row.
If OW has spouse, its only right you let them know.

You are doing the right thing, your WH doesn't know what he has, now he will know. Men like this rarely change and it will always be your fault. Move on, you sound young enough to start over and have a great life.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sweetpegasus80 said:


> I have serious moments of weakness still, but I'm not wavering on getting back together. He begged me "please please! I'm sorry. I want to be with my family. I miss my kids. Let me stay in the guest bedroom."
> 
> I told him he's the most heartless cold bastard alive. Everything he says begins with "I" and "me"... I told him "I don't want my amazing son to grow up and turn into you."
> 
> ...


Do NOT let him guilt you into staying, he is not going to change, stay the course. If he says this again, tell him, he didn't think twice about sticking is thing into an OW and blowing up the family, considering the last time, the counselling, etc what did he expect, rainbows and unicorns? He is a selfish b****** who you and your kids will be well rid off. Get support from your family and friends.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

dawnabon said:


> I want to punch your mil square in the nose. If she had ANY kind of decency she'd be horrified by her son's actions.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


Normally mothers like this, produce selfish entitled sons, no surprise there I'm afraid.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dawnabon said:


> I want to punch your mil square in the nose. If she had ANY kind of decency she'd be horrified by her son's actions.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


My guess is your H grew up watching either his mother or his father cheat. You're doing the right thing. You gave him a second chance and he shat on you. And don't listen to other people if they aren't supporting you. Only you have to live your life.


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

aine said:


> Normally mothers like this, produce selfish entitled sons, no surprise there I'm afraid.


My STBX is selfish and entitled, but my MIL is furious at him for the way he's acted. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## karr99 (Jun 28, 2017)

Actions speak louder than words sweetpegasus80, this is the 2nd time he cheated, he's not going to change. You deserve way better than him. Your kids deserve better and you are correct to teach them not to be like him.
And your MIL can go to h3ll, anyone who blames (read: approves) affair on BS is a spineless irrresponsible person


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sweetpegasus80 said:


> I have serious moments of weakness still, but I'm not wavering on getting back together. He begged me "please please! I'm sorry. I want to be with my family. I miss my kids. Let me stay in the guest bedroom."
> 
> I told him he's the most heartless cold bastard alive. Everything he says begins with "I" and "me"... I told him "I don't want my amazing son to grow up and turn into you."
> 
> ...


Filing for divorce isn't "ending it" -- it is instead a very sober realization that your husband has essentially chosen to end your marriage, at least in terms of being faithful to you. Unless that is somehow acceptable to you (and it would seem that it's not), divorce is the only reasonable recourse.

Additionally, the reason why you've so quickly opted for divorce this time around is that you have at least a tacit understanding of ^this^.

Not only is he a serial cheat, but he's escalated from EA to full-on PA (and that's assuming this is his first time). He will never stop cheating.


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## Sweetpegasus80 (Aug 1, 2017)

Last night was hard. My cheater husband missed the kids so he picked them up from summer camp with MIL and they went to the park and had fun. My daughter wanted to stay the night with MIL and was holding onto daddy begging to stay with him and MIL last night when he dropped them off.

We didn't even look at each other. We didn't say anything. When my daughter came inside and it was time to shut the door I had no idea what to say. How do you say goodbye now? I just said bye... it felt so cold. My first instinct was to do what I always did... do what was habit... say I love you and I'll see you later with a kiss... but that's not my life anymore. That's the old me's life. I didn't do it, but there was a second of awkwardness where I had no idea what to do but close the door.

He never looked at me the entire time and MIL stayed in the car waiting for him. He's been staying with her while she's in the state. Stupid of him to cheat on me right before his mom came into town for a month... she normally lives on the east coast. 

I wanted to ask if he'd found an apartment because he needs one so we can start splitting stuff and ending this... but I was just mute. Didn't have any idea what to say... 

The kids said they had fun and as far as I can tell they didn't talk about the issues in front of the kids, so I appreciate that. But MIL is known for speaking bluntly and hurting people unintentionally and so I worry she's gonna say stuff or try and illicit fault from my kids.

I'll be glad to have her gone from my life.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I would keep the discussion about splitting assets in writing, for legal reasons. I would not talk face to face unless its about the kids. Kids should not be a hot topic, but separating will be a hot one. 

If you are sure about divorce, go clinical, emotionless even. Don't engage. It makes it easier to pull away.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Sweetpegasus80 said:


> But are they right? I know divorce is the way to go but am I skipping the usual steps and not taking my time? Why does everyone keep telling me I must have wanted this with how fast I went "I want a divorce"? Is it normal?


Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me....for not divorcing you the first time. Not sure what steps you are skipping, you did all the R and counseling the first time. Why rinse and repeat?



Sweetpegasus80 said:


> I have serious moments of weakness still, but I'm not wavering on getting back together. He begged me "please please! I'm sorry. I want to be with my family. I miss my kids. Let me stay in the guest bedroom."


Not to be a Debbie Downer here, but without a court order, you can't deny him the right to live in his own house and see his kids. Most guy friendly divorce websites & attorneys will tell him to move back into the marital home. Do not be surprised if he comes home and moves into the guest bedroom.


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## Sweetpegasus80 (Aug 1, 2017)

C3156 said:


> Not to be a Debbie Downer here, but without a court order, you can't deny him the right to live in his own house and see his kids. Most guy friendly divorce websites & attorneys will tell him to move back into the marital home. Do not be surprised if he comes home and moves into the guest bedroom.


He's not fighting me on moving out so far. I know i can't force him to leave and had he fought more than just pitiful fake crap I couldn't have stopped him... but he's looking for an apartment with MILs financial backing so I'm pretty sure he's not coming back. I told him I need a safe place for the kids and I to grieve and that having him there would only make it harder on the kids seeing us fight and hate each other. Right now the kids know we're taking a break and they miss daddy but that's it.

As for the kids he had them last night so I'm certainly not denying him access.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Sweetpegasus80 said:


> He's not fighting me on moving out so far. I know i can't force him to leave and had he fought more than just pitiful fake crap I couldn't have stopped him... but he's looking for an apartment with MILs financial backing so I'm pretty sure he's not coming back. I told him I need a safe place for the kids and I to grieve and that having him there would only make it harder on the kids seeing us fight and hate each other. Right now the kids know we're taking a break and they miss daddy but that's it.
> 
> As for the kids he had them last night so I'm certainly not denying him access.


If you all can work it out amiably, that would be great. It's so sad to see former couples that are so bitter and constantly trying to "one up" each other. I just wanted to make you aware of what some of the advice out there is for guys. Being a known cheater, hopefully his shame will keep him in check.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Please keep us/me updated on this situation. I don't see how anyone can act like that when kids are involved.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!! I love reading about women doing this when their despicable husbands cheat on them repeatedly and then think a few days of grovelling should smooth things over.

Stick to your guns.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

threelittlestars said:


> I would keep the discussion about splitting assets in writing, for legal reasons. I would not talk face to face unless its about the kids. Kids should not be a hot topic, but separating will be a hot one.
> 
> If you are sure about divorce, go clinical, emotionless even. Don't engage. It makes it easier to pull away.


Agree with this. Get a lawyer sooner than later and ask for all correspondence re the divorce to go through them. All other communication should be kept to email and only about kids and financing. He probably thinks he can wait this one out. Let him be under no illusion that that is not an option. Start getting your ducks in a row, it will also make you feel better to take action.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

He was so hurt for being caught - he went to her place for comfort? 

He didn't accidentally fall into sex with some other woman, days - weeks planning.

Deep six him.

Once he moves out and all his things are OUT of the your house, then he shouldn't be able to get back in... Of course, get a court order, etc. Varies from state to state.


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## Sweetpegasus80 (Aug 1, 2017)

I don't know how I could have ever loved this man... he's telling everyone I'm a drunk and a addict and that our marriage was failing way before he cheated. He's saying we haven't gone to sleep at the same time in over a year....

His lies are just insane. My MIL asked my mom if I needed an intervention and if I was safe to be around the kids..... if 1-2 drinks a week and only on Thursday nights is alcoholic.... ugh... he drinks so much more than me. I was so mad I packed up all the alcohol in the house (all his) and handed it to him in front of his mom and told him I don't drink nearly as much as he does and he'd probably need it more than I did... 

He and I both know our marriage was healing and we were doing awesome. Sex every night... and yeah I didn't go to sleep with him every single night in a week because the jerk went to bed at 9Pm and got up at 4am for no reason... I get home at 7pm. I can't physically make myself go to sleep so quickly.... i stay up until 10pm usually and sleep til 6am... 

I'm just so tired of his lies.. and he's pushing half equity in the house... the house I owned before we even got married. His name wasn't even on the loan until a couple years ago.... and splitting the kids 50/50... he has them a week.. I have them a week. That sounds SO unstable to me... my poor kids.

I'm so lost and angry and sad and I feel like an idiot for ever thinking he was a good guy or worth my time. I keep wondering if he was always this big of a jerk and I just didn't notice....


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Stop interacting with him as much as humanly possible. It doesn't matter what he's saying. Your family and real friends - a category that DOES NOT include his mother - will know you well enough to know whether or not you're an alcoholic or addict. People who aren't your friends and family don't matter. If anyone tells you some nauseating thing he's saying about you, just look them straight in the eye and say, "I'm divorcing him because I caught him red-handed in an affair. For the second time. He cheats. Cheaters also lie" and then either immediately change the subject or walk away. Don't show that you're upset, don't seem angry, sad, panicked, or exasperated. Just be calm and matter-of-fact.

Oh, and if you haven't already consulted an attorney, you're running late. The man you're dealing with now is not your husband, he is not someone who loves you, he is not a partner, family member or friend, and he does not have your best interests at heart. You need to protect yourself, your children, and your assets from the kind of damage he can do to you. Get your lawyer working on the divorce ASAP.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

You wanted to believe the best of him. That's okay. But the rose-colored glasses are off now, right?
Remain no contact with your crazy ex and crazier MIL. Those who truly know you will see right through those lies they're spewing. And if there are people who do believe them, well, they're not worth keeping around then.
They're launching into the smear campaign now, trying to paint the most horrid picture of you to as many people as they can. They're projecting all of their issues on you. Just stay your course towards D.


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## Sweetpegasus80 (Aug 1, 2017)

I'm doing my best, but I can't completely no contact him because he and MIL have been seeing the kids every night this week so they have to drop them off every night. I'm saying very little to him. I'm hearing what he says from my parents. Other then discussing the children and when he's going to get his stuff (on Saturday), we don't talk. He just told me he wants the 50/50 and I told him no. And then he mentioned needing his half of the equity in the house last night when he dropped the kids off. I don't say anything in response... just "we'll talk about it"

I'll try and figure out the lawyer thing tomorrow. It's my only day off this week. It's only been 4 days since I caught him cheating and kicked him out.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Sweetpegasus80 said:


> I'm doing my best, but I can't completely no contact him because he and MIL have been seeing the kids every night this week so they have to drop them off every night. I'm saying very little to him. *I'm hearing what he says from my parents.* Other then discussing the children and when he's going to get his stuff (on Saturday), we don't talk. He just told me he wants the 50/50 and I told him no. And then he mentioned needing his half of the equity in the house last night when he dropped the kids off. I don't say anything in response... just "we'll talk about it"
> 
> I'll try and figure out the lawyer thing tomorrow. It's my only day off this week. It's only been 4 days since I caught him cheating and kicked him out.


Then perhaps it's time for your parents to stop communicating - either with him, or if they won't do that, then at least with you regarding what he's saying about you. Tell them you aren't interested in hearing the lies of a cheating husband who got caught, and ask them to stop reporting them to you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Of course he is rewriting history so he wont look like the POS he actually is.
Someone said he is no longer your H, in fact he is your enemy and treat him accordingly, do not expect any good treatment or favours from him. Document everything that goes on from now, find out about OW and blow up her world too if she has a BF and let everyone know about her too, so that he does not have a nice cosy environment to go to.

Ensure you get that lawyer ASAP, now is not the time to wallow, I know you are hurting, probably in shock but you need to do this for your kids. YOu do not want them staying with him with an OW. What is the position with regard to infidelity where you live?

Tell your parents to stop communicating with the enemy camp. Keep your family and friends close around you and tell them to filter information, you do not need any more emotional upheaval right now as you have to be stable for your kids.
If possible make sure your lawyer sort out your share of equity in the house, if it was yours before hand.

So sorry you are here but it is better that you get rid of this good for nothing man, he really is (I cant write it down here!)
Stay on the level for your kids, they need you now.


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

In my state, I was explicitly told by my lawyer that unless there is "a damn good reason" judges will grant 50/50. Which in theory I agree with. You may not have a say unless he is negligent or abusive. My stbx is an ok dad so I won't fight him. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Sweetpegasus80 said:


> I'm doing my best, but I can't completely no contact him because he and MIL have been seeing the kids every night this week so they have to drop them off every night. I'm saying very little to him. I'm hearing what he says from my parents. Other then discussing the children and when he's going to get his stuff (on Saturday), we don't talk. He just told me he wants the 50/50 and I told him no. And then he mentioned needing his half of the equity in the house last night when he dropped the kids off. I don't say anything in response... just "we'll talk about it"
> 
> I'll try and figure out the lawyer thing tomorrow. It's my only day off this week. It's only been 4 days since I caught him cheating and kicked him out.


Do what you can to get him OFF the house. If I remarry, and I buy the house with my money - I won't be putting her name on it.

Okay, since they are smearing you and its a process to NOT talk to them/HIM. They will continue to want to engage with you. Then you really should invest in a $40~80 VAR, a SONY if you can get it.
Record his lies... And because of AT THE MOMENT situations - you may be shocked what he does / comes out of his mouth. This will also depend on what state you are in, that allows you to record him without telling him. This VAR will also allow you to record your phone conversations with him.

So whenever there is an exchange of children or talking with him for ANY reason, record it.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

No contact besides sending the kids out and them being picked up outside of the house. Honestly...Put your boundaries up now because his mom and himself want to spin this in their favor. They will bury you if they can. Don't let them. A best defense is a good offense. Get that lawyer NOW, get advice and try to keep YOUR house. Honestly this seems planned. He just got put on the house.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Late to this party, but not late enough to say that you're a blue haze fool if you want to keep his likes around for a family man!

Why? Because he so heinously broke his holy vows and lost all respect for you! Counter the loss of that respect for him by immediately getting with a good "piranha" family attorney, and to be appropriately and fully appraised of both your custodial and property division rights, as well as filing for divorce from him pronto!

You deserve far, far better from a husband and your kids deserve so much more from a father!*


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Sweetpegasus80 said:


> He begged me "please please! I'm sorry. I want to be with my family. I miss my kids. Let me stay in the guest bedroom."


What _kids _does the hypocrite 'miss' so much? The ones he continually *chose* to blow off so he could stay out all night at the bar and the ones he *chose* yet again to blow off for an entire weekend to supposedly camp out with his guy friends?

You mean, _*those*_ kids?

Funny how only ONE of you is their actual *parent* and is the responsible one who raises them and makes sure all their needs are met - while the other acts like an irresponsible, horny teenage idiot.



> My friends are suggesting maybe I wanted a divorce because I went so immediately to it's over. I went there because this is twice now and I still was having moments of doubt from the last time he cheated. I don't want to have those same mind movies. I remember every second of the first time he cheated, every emotion... I don't want this to engrave itself into my life like the first time did. Ill never forget the first time he cheated and this time is even worse. He actually screwed someone... he's saying it's stupid to end it all for a mistake... but I told him this was no mistake. You don't mistakingly screw someone else. This was intentional.


You also have to face the VERY likely possibility that he's gotten away with *a lot* more than you've caught him doing. Most cheaters aren't caught every single time they get up to no good, and it would be extremely naive to believe you caught him every time he's cheated.



> But are they right? I know divorce is the way to go but am I skipping the usual steps and not taking my time? Why does everyone keep telling me I must have wanted this with how fast I went "I want a divorce"? Is it normal?


Let your friends put up with a serial cheating, immature, irresponsible ass-hole for a few years and then check back with them. I'm sure their 'expert' opinions will have changed. Dramatically.


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