# filed 13 days after separation



## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

my wife told me to leave three weeks ago. she asked if i would go to my parents for a week or two. i made the mistake of pushing her to much, telling her i loved her, needed her, everything. she said she would go to councling with me, i made the appointment. she never showed up, i got divorce papers the next day. we have two small children 4 and 3. i have been working on my own issues, drinking, trust issues. we were married 5 years together 9. she will not really talk to me. also she has alot of stress in her life. is there any thing i can do to get her to talk to me? any questions ask. triing to keep it short


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

So she has filed for divorce already? Or did she file for legal separation?


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

she filed for divorce, she did not even tell her mother, which she is very close to. i love her very much. i can be the husband and fater to my children that she needs, and desirves. she just has put up a wall. i know she loves me as well, what do i do??????


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Have you consulted with an attorney yet? What sort of problems have you been having prior to this?


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

yes i have an attorney, me drinking alot, paying attention to other women instead of her, while drunk. i had issues with her family, she always wanted to be with them. i would cut her down when she would dress up, i now realize it was for me, saying that she was going to be showing everyone her boobs. i worked all the time, had voulenteer obligations, and goint to school part time

been sober 20 days


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Congratulations on being sober. This is a step in the right direction. Did you have an affair?


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

no i would never do that. just flirting. i don't really think i could touch another woman, she is the love of my life


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

What triggered her to go and file? Any one thing stick out in your mind?


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

i have no idea, she told me she would go to councling the day before
i actually planned a trip for us and two kids to go to mexico on our anniv the when she said she would go to councling with me


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Do you think she is suffering from depression or low self esteem? Do you think she has someone on the side? I know this is a tough question, one I hate asking, but you know her best.


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

she is depressed, due to money issues, don't know why. i have hurt her self esteem. i don't think there is anyone else, pretty sure. i had the kids last weekend, and i know she spent the entire weekend at her parents untill she picked up the kids. she is a very dedicated mother


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Money can create huge issues in marriages. Are you currently struggling financially or did she grow up in a home where money was an issue?


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

i make ok money, she did grow up in a family where money was an issue, and still is. i think she i worried about money, but getting a divorce, we are really going to lose everything. i don't know what she is thinking


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

She probably isn't thinking clearly. Does she have outside influences pushing her to do this or do you think this is a decision she made on her own?


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

do you think she is triing to hurt me, she has been keeping the kids from me. i call everynight around 8 pm. she has only let me talk to them twice.


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

i think she made this on her own. she said she is done, and is very stubbern


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

She is probably very scared. She does not know what is going on for sure or how she feels. I don't know if she is deliberately trying to hurt you. Is she that type of person?


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

no she is not that type of person. she has been very different lately. even her mom notices. really cold, no emotion


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I would try to be as patient as possible with her. Be there, but don't make yourself overly available either. She is very scared, trust me, I am in the same position and while I know the marriage is not going to work here, I still have no answers or decisions made.

Have you tried writing her a heartfelt letter expressing how you feel and what you think you guys could do to improve the marriage?


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

i write alot. for v-day i got a pic of her and our kids, put it in a frame with love written around it, then wrapped it in all the letters i had written her. still don't know if she opened it, might have thrown it away


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

i told her that i love her over the phone, she told me to keep it to myself. she is really mad. haven't told her i love her since


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I would keep that to yourself. So she is still talking to you on the phone. She has not severed all communication. Which is a good thing I think. How would she react to a letter from you? Drop it in the mail or via email. Don't ask if she got it or request a read receipt, just do it and see how she acts over the next week following it. It sounds like she went and filed very quickly, probably because she is concerned about money and thought that something would happen to where she could not pay the bills, etc. Sounds like her primary reason for filing was financial. She wanted to be sure she has money and that assets, etc are protected and children are provided for. How old is she? Does she current take antidepressent. Loads of questions, sorry!


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

i thought of writing her a letter and mailing it to her, what do you think. i think back, and i called a laywer the first week we were apart just to see what my rights were to the kids, she got really mad at that. mabey that is why she filed. so i could not take the kids from her. no she does not take anti's


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Yep, when you called the lawyer, she felt threatened and her reaction was filing. She is absolutely scared and now I think she only filed because she felt as though she was protecting herself. She probably thought you were going to do it and did not want to be on the receiving end of court papers!


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Yes, I would write her a heartfelt letter. At this point, I don't think you should be overly romantic, but rather acknowledge the problems and provide solutions. Then begin working on yourself and doing things to make you a better man. She will notice your actions more than your words.


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

she knows i have quit drinking, and am going to councling. i spend alot more quality time with my kids, she told my sister that if us getting divorced is what is needed for me to spend the time with my kids it is worth it. i told her i do not want to be a part time father


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

found out this morning why she filed so fast, she was with another guy. caught them this morning getting home from a weekend together. my boys were with them


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

stillhurtin said:


> found out this morning why she filed so fast, she was with another guy. caught them this morning getting home from a weekend together. my boys were with them


that explains why she was limiting your contact with the kids. i don't know how people who have been cheated on deal with it. but my first reaction would be to out her to her mom, the kids, etc. i would also find a way to have a stern conversation with the other man. he'd feel physically threatened, i'd hope.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Iam so sorry to hear that you found this out this morning. That is terrible. What's worse is the the children were with her and him all weekend. I think it is terrible to be introducing new people to the children this early in the game. 

I guess now that you know this, I assume she knows you know?

Now you will have to begin to think about your next step.

Continue coming here for support. This forum is a lifesaver!


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

she babysat his son who is 3. he also put the addition on our house two years ago. he left his wife three days after she left me. well told me to leave. i called him this morning and left a voice mail '' jut want to know if you are sleeping with my wife''
he never called back, he is leaving a marriage of 16 years and four children. she said they just went down as friends, hahahahaha. i might have been born at night, but it wasn't last night. i have had some of the daycare parents ask me in the past if they were messing around. i said no way. i have known him since i was about 6. at least i know i wasn't the problem


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I highly doubt they went anywhere as friends. It hurts more that you know him and that he was someone who was on in your home at a point in time. 
Have you talked to his wife?


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

yes i have talked to his wife, she did not know that my wife and i had split up. what kind of a man did she pick that would leave his four kids for a peice of [email protected]@.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Wow? So what do you plan to do next?


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

i don't know. its all kinda new. she has made her bed, now she has to sleep in it.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Yes, I understand your position. I know there is loads to do. It is just hard finding which direction I need to start heading in. 

It's like I am waiting for a flashing arrow to point me to where I need to go. 

How are you coping?


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

i am actuallty doing pretty good, i have talked to his wife quite a bit, she was as confused as i was. at least i know it is not all my fault. found out this guy is extreamly broke, over 100,000 in debt. can't wait till she finds out. my shrink thinks she will come crawling back with in 6 months. he asked if i could forgive her???? said i don't know.


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

i am picking my kids up tomarrow night. if he is there i am going to take them back to my parents house, and call my laywer


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I am glad to hear that you are holding up ok given all the circumstances.

Feel free to jump on here and vent or seek advice. We are here for you.

I hope you enjoy the time with your kids and do all you can with them to minimize the destruction of this. Enjoy the time with your kids.

Feel free to PM me if you want!


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

i am just so pissed off that she lied to me, and tried to hide this from me. i know it was planned. how could it not be. any advice what to do now?


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Hire an attorney!


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

i had a great night, i was suppose to take my two boys to mcdonalds, but took them to my house instead. her boyfriend was there. she came out proud as a pea****. i have been talking to my councler, every one, they all told me i needed to get my kids out. so i called her, gave her the number of the county sherrif's office, and told her i have removed the kids. they now are living with me, bet she isn't so proud any more. plus she was going to her parents house, with her boytfriend to say they are dating. i hope they are proud of their daughter. i know i am


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

stillhurtin said:


> i had a great night, i was suppose to take my two boys to mcdonalds, but took them to my house instead. her boyfriend was there. she came out proud as a pea****. i have been talking to a laywer, councler, every one, they all told me i needed to get my kids out. so i called her, gave her the number of the county sherrif's office, and told her i have removed the kids. they now are living with me, bet she isn't so proud any more. plus she was going to her parents house, with her boytfriend to say they are dating. i hope they are proud of their daughter. i know i am



So you have the kids now? How are they doing and how old are they? If you mentioned their age before, I forgot, so I apologize. Stay strong fror the kids and don't badmouth mom, as hard as it is. Take the high road and enjoy the kids!


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

they are doing great. i didn't have her pack anythung, so will have to buy tomarrow, but i don't care they are here. it is the best thing for them. not at home with mom and married boyfriend. what a loser. i can't wait till she realizes what she gave up. they are 4 and 3.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Good job my friend! Take care of those kids and get a good attorney and get started living your life. Maybe going no contact with her for a while will get her blood boiling as well. Stay strong and keep us informed on your PROGRESS.


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

thanks for the support. the boys and i are having a good time. i can tell they missed me so much. the youngest clings to me. he loves to snuggle. the oldest was criing because he missed me so much. i was called by my laywer today saying they recived a fax from her laywer. it was some bull about what we had verbally agreed upon as far as custody. every wens, and every other weekend. my laywer told me to keep the lines of contact open have the boys call twice a day. she can have supervised visits, yes, and put the boys in day care and not tell her where. also i might get placement of the children due to her caring more about her relationship with the married man than the children. she changed the message on the answering machine. it was this is the wife, maidin name, you can leave a message if you want , and if this is husband(me) you can call my laywer, to this is wife child 1 and child 2 please leave a message. i think some one explained to her laywer what she was doing, and got an ass chewing. i love it. the problem i still love her to

by the way, i have the best laywer in 75 miles, he's worth every penny.


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

i am being attacked by her family now. i think it is really over between us. she called my sister's husband, and told him that my sister had cheated on him. with a guy who was in iraq at the time. i called her parents the mext day to talk to them, and they did not see a problem with what she was doing. i gave them the opprotunity to tell me. in a way, i do know that they are just friends. it is weird, my laywer called today, after talking to hers and said , pretty much what ever i want as far as stipulations on her boyfriend i could have, but when i talked to her tonight she said nothinng about it, and said that my laywer had advised me to bring the boys back. if that is the case, why did i get mail today that was sent to her laywer stating that i said she could have supervised visits with them. she was at her psrents, so mabey she was triing to look like she had every rite to them, and making me look like the bad guy. tonight her cousin attacked me on facebook. calling me a peice of ****, and going on about how i think i am such a big man. i actually chated with her for a while, but blood is thicker than even common sence. i told her to totally reverse the situation, then she would be telling my wife that she had every rite to do what i did. she did not like that, and came back with personal attacks. some people just can't think. my boys are sleeping rite here, and are going to be for a while. hopefully the next 15 years or so any way. thaks for letting me vent. still the same problem. i do love her


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

stillhurtin said:


> i am being attacked by her family now. i think it is really over between us. she called my sister's husband, and told him that my sister had cheated on him. with a guy who was in iraq at the time. i called her parents the mext day to talk to them, and they did not see a problem with what she was doing. i gave them the opprotunity to tell me. in a way, i do know that they are just friends. it is weird, my laywer called today, after talking to hers and said , pretty much what ever i want as far as stipulations on her boyfriend i could have, but when i talked to her tonight she said nothinng about it, and said that my laywer had advised me to bring the boys back. if that is the case, why did i get mail today that was sent to her laywer stating that i said she could have supervised visits with them. she was at her psrents, so mabey she was triing to look like she had every rite to them, and making me look like the bad guy. tonight her cousin attacked me on facebook. calling me a peice of ****, and going on about how i think i am such a big man. i actually chated with her for a while, but blood is thicker than even common sence. i told her to totally reverse the situation, then she would be telling my wife that she had every rite to do what i did. she did not like that, and came back with personal attacks. some people just can't think. my boys are sleeping rite here, and are going to be for a while. hopefully the next 15 years or so any way. thaks for letting me vent. still the same problem. i do love her


Oh yes, blood is thicker than water. My in laws and such have been calling the kids inviting them over, making me say no, as they can't cross state lines and thus I am the bad guy. They know he physically beat me for years, but still side with him. It is absolutely disguisting, especially when you think you know a family. They would fall all over me any other time. Yes, I completely understand what you are going through. Here is my advice. Take the high road. Don't talk with them or return calls, emails, anything from them. Allow them to stew. Let the courts do what they need to do and sort things out. You DO NOT HAVE TO TALK TO THEM. You don't have to be rude, but don't confide or trust them any further than you can throw them.


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

well i met her at mcdonalds yesterday, and she took the kids. grab and run. she did not put their boots or jacket on. just left with them, i call the police. they said they could do nothing. i did file a complaint. she took the kids for her, i took them for them. i do not know what she is thinking. the look in my oldests eyes was terrible. this is hurting them so much, and i don't think she sees it. i found out that her boyfriend is saying that he is going to kick my ass, and all sorts of other stuff. bring it on. that will be nice in court. still hoping to work things out with her, don't know why. posted of facebook that i still love her. i'm all messed up in the head


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

stillhurtin said:


> well i met her at mcdonalds yesterday, and she took the kids. grab and run. she did not put their boots or jacket on. just left with them, i call the police. they said they could do nothing. i did file a complaint. she took the kids for her, i took them for them. i do not know what she is thinking. the look in my oldests eyes was terrible. this is hurting them so much, and i don't think she sees it. i found out that her boyfriend is saying that he is going to kick my ass, and all sorts of other stuff. bring it on. that will be nice in court. still hoping to work things out with her, don't know why. posted of facebook that i still love her. i'm all messed up in the head


OMG, I am so sorry to hear that! I can't believe she took the kids and ran. How long until you can get into see a lawyer or judge and get some emergency custody/visitation agreement?


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

there is not much i can do. we go to court the 26th. probly won't be able to see them untill then. she is making herself look really bad. she has had them at her parents, don't know for how long, i am sure she is worried about me comming there and taking them again. i will not do that. she is just being so stupid


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

So are you going to court on the 28th for the divorce?


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

we go to court for our innitial hearing. i was going to say that our marriage was saveable, but now don't know


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

stillhurtin said:


> we go to court for our innitial hearing. i was going to say that our marriage was saveable, but now don't know


well depending on your state you may be able to request six months of marriage counseling/cooling off period.


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

well i recived a restraining order today. she had a bunch of stuff listed that i had done in the past. i have no idea of what she is thinking. his wife saw them at the grocery store on thursday. just laughed and said thats the baby sitter hes [email protected]#king. she said that she turned pale. what is wrong with her??????


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

stillhurtin said:


> well i recived a restraining order today. she had a bunch of stuff listed that i had done in the past. i have no idea of what she is thinking. his wife saw them at the grocery store on thursday. just laughed and said thats the baby sitter hes [email protected]#king. she said that she turned pale. what is wrong with her??????


Have you been physically abusive to her in the past? What were the grounds on which she got the restraining order>


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

i slapped her once, and felt really bad about it. it only happend once. i tried to walk away, but she stood infront of me


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

stillhurtin said:


> i slapped her once, and felt really bad about it. it only happend once. i tried to walk away, but she stood infront of me



Was this recently?


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

it was over a year ago, mabey even two. i think i can now give up!!!!!! she is more worried about her relationship with the new man


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

stillhurtin said:


> it was over a year ago, mabey even two. i think i can now give up!!!!!! she is more worried about her relationship with the new man


I am suprised that they gave her a restraining order when she did not have a current issue of domestic abuse. What state are you in?


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

stillhurtin said:


> it was over a year ago, mabey even two. i think i can now give up!!!!!! she is more worried about her relationship with the new man


I am really sorry to hear what you are going through. As upset as I am about my situation I have yet to have proof that there is another guy and we are not fighting about seeing the kids so that is good. I do not understand how people can just break off long term relationships and act like its just another day. I remember when I was dating, it was not hard to stop liking someone when you met someone else. However we were not married to them or have kids with them or shared our lives with them. I also get people breaking up over cheating and violence but just to walk away because the mood is right Or to leave without trying to save years of marriage is just beyond me. I will never understand that, and I will never do that to someone else.

Hang in there, believe me it is tough. I am dealing with my wife leaving, possibly losing my house and a loss of a job so I have added issues but either way what you are going through is tough and wont go away from your heart for awhile.

I feel for you!


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

i am probly going to lose everything, house, boats, camper snowmobiles. and most importantly the love of my life. not to mention the time with my kids. it is terrible. i am so glad that i have found a website like this. there are so many helpfull people. it is nice to know that i am not the only one going thur this. you are all in my prayers at night. gotta keep our heads up. how do you act like your having fun?????


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

i recived a letter today from my laywer that her laywer sent her. it stated in there in plain english that she and her friend are not having an intamate affair. i really want to save my marriage. i am going to go with little or no contact with her. we have not spoken since sat. now i have a restraining order on me so can't call. i asked the laywer if even after the cooling off period which is 120 days, i can say that or marriage is not broken, the judge can rule us to counling. hope so. we really have not talked since we seperated. that really sucks, bucause i miss her voice. thanks everyone for listening. advice is always helpful


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