# Need some advice about marriage



## kwillis1 (Mar 28, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for about 8 months. When we got married I saw him as a hard-working man, (which is still true.. he does work very hard) but he has made me feel quite unappreciated. When we got married I accepted the idea of me doing everything that needs to be done domestically(cleaning, cooking, paying bills, etc). 

It wasn't until after we got married that I started finding out little things I think he should have disclosed to me prior. 
1. He changed his W2 form at work to make more money on his check and ends up owing $1000 in back taxes every year. 
2. He didn't file taxes for the previous year because he believes he can wait 3 years before filing. 
3. He told me he thought his credit was good, but never pulled his credit report. Turns out his ex opened and maxed out credit cards for $2000 and never paid on them. 
4. He had back medical bills, was issued a court civil summons in the mail by the courthouse, made one payment and "forgot about it". 

All of these have now snowballed into much bigger problems when they could have been addressed much sooner. I'm a full-time student and took a job with lesser hours to focus on getting my bachelor's degree before finding out about these 4 things. For my college and student loans we have to file taxes every year. Just after I took our taxes to get done and found out that he owes a total of $2000, we were slammed with a lien on his wages for 20% of his paycheck every 2 weeks due to those back medical bills($800) he only made one $30 payment on. So needless to say, we're struggling financially for mistakes he made in the past. It's not the fact that he made these mistakes, that upsets me. It's that when I asked him after finding out that his credit score was only 505, if "there was anything else" he needed to tell me. He said, "no, I don't think so". Seems like his past is catching up to him now. 

Another thing I'm upset about is that when his old truck died we bought a brand new one and he promised to work over-time to pay for the extra cost.(He wanted a brand new one instead of used). He worked over time for 2 weekends after we bought the thing in Jan and hasn't done any since. He will tell me one day that they are backed up with jobs at his work. The next week he will tell me that they don't have work. 

My mom & stepdad who live only on social security have been giving us $150 a month to pay for his new truck while I'm in school. (they wouldn't have to if he worked the overtime he promised) My dad and stepmom just loaned us $400 to put towards the $655 that is left to be paid on his back medical bills to take the lien off his wages. I cannot borrow anymore money! When I tell him that my cell phone got shutoff for non-payment he has a look of shock and says, "I thought you said you were gonna pay that..."  Well ya.. BEFORE I found out about the lien on his paycheck!! I have tried EVERYTHING to include him in assisting with the finances. Every month I print off a list of bills and how much is owed for each, tally it, and put it on the fridge for him to see. I cross things off as their paid. I started doing this when he mentioned that he "doesn't know what is being paid". 

I'm also coming to find out that he is just plain irresponsible as an adult. He won't do maintainence on his truck, he lets inspection stickers go out-of-date for months until he gets pulled over and ticketed, he let his driver's license expire, he won't go to the doctor to for follow-ups to get refills for his prescriptions, get a new social security card or birth certificate. When asked why he doesn't do these things it's excuses: "I have to work", "I can't get out of work to go do that stuff".. when asked about why he won't do it on days he gets done early it goes back to "I have to work.." It's like pulling teeth from a donkey! He would rather sit and watch tv or play a video game than go and get things done. I'm worried that he is going to end up getting in some serious trouble trying to "work the system" by lying on his W2 forms and not renewing his driver's license, etc. 

Men, women, married couples.. HELP PLEASE!!!


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## nomoretogive (Oct 29, 2011)

Oh Lord, do I know where you are, because I've been there, done that. 

I wish I could tell you that I figured out a way to fix it...but I didn't, unfortunately. Just want to let you know that I understand how frustrated you have to be and warn you that if you don't do something soon, come to some agreement, resentment is going to set in...and it's a long road back from there. 

My H is the same as yours, right down to the "I have to work" excuse as to why he can't do anything. Cracks me up because he can take off work to go on fishing trips, cut out early to ride his Harley...but he can't manage to find time to get any "big people" stuff done. And my favorite is when he has phone calls to make and he swears he can't make them during the day because he's "at work" and needs me to do it for him. Um, doesn't your cell phone work during your lunch break? Seriously?!!! 

Like your H, my H's past is catching up to us, all those little financial things he didn't want to take care of or didn't make time for...except their affecting both of us because we're married. Needless to say, I'm the only one working overtime, literally seven days a week, to make the extra money to take care of everything, while he sits on the computer and whines about how he doesn't want to do any of the jobs that work with his schedule -- office cleaning, warehouse work, et cetera. He is fine with keeping his day job, but asking him to do a minute more of work to dig out of this mess, you would think I was asking him to move mountains with his pinky. The stress has gotten so bad that just tonight I went to the urgent care in the most horrendous pain I've ever been in, and I'm a chronic pain patient already, and it turns out I have stress-induced shingles. 

Like you, I have borrowed all I can borrow from family and have exhausted their goodwill to dig out of the mess we're in because of his financial mistakes -- from not taking care of bills to not keeping jobs. I can't work any more than I'm working...and this has been going on for the last few years. 

At this point, I'm resolved to paying off the debt, because it has to be done, BUT I have lost any and all respect for my husband and the resentment is so deep that I don't think there is any coming back from it. 

If I were you, I would have a serious come to Jesus meeting with your H, talk about these things and come up with a plan on how to take care of things together and then hold him accountable. If he doesn't want to work overtime, sell the truck. I'm doing this now with my H's Harley. If you don't want to work, you don't get to keep the toys. Sorry, it's part of being big. It sounds like you might have done this already, but do it again and let him know this is a dealbreaker for you, if it in fact is. 

As for the irresponsibility part, I don't think they grow out of it. I just read a book about Peter Pan syndrome, and it describes my H exactly -- he just wants what he wants, wants to play, and has no desire to grow up and take on adult responsibilities. Once the last debt is paid off, I will grant him his wish with a divorce, because I can't be his mother and his keeper for the rest of his life.


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