# Seperated 3 weeks



## ZeroHawk (Mar 4, 2011)

Hi everyone I posted on her a while ago when this all started. Long story short my wife told me she was no longer in love with me back in December. We tried to make it work for about 5 months and nothing seemed to be working. I suggested MC but she refuses to go. I tried doing the 180 but it seemed to have no affect. About 3 weeks ago we decided to separate. At first we were only texting back and forth, but for the last 2 weeks we have only been emailing and the emails are very formal and cold. She has a birthday coming up on Saturday. I have been trying very hard not to contact her and let her figure this out on her own. I have only responded to texts and emails she has sent me. I was going to make her a photo album for her birthday before we decided to separate but i botched that idea deciding it was to soon. I want her to at least make some effort in our relationship before i open up the communication again. 

I guess my biggest question is am I doing the right thing not contacting her? It is so hard last night I found myself writing a text saying how much I missed her and how I would like to talk. Of coarse I didn't send the text but I really wanted too.


----------



## Yummy2011 (Jun 1, 2011)

I went through the same thing for a while. I would text my husband and tell him I missed him and loved him, no response. I wrote him a letter and he told me it was garbage. I finally gave up!! I decided I didn't need to beg him anymore and that I should give him exactly what he wanted which was to be without me. I filed for divorce and have since let it go. If he wants me back he's got a lot of work ahead of him but knowing my husband, it's over! 

I'm not saying you should let go but just think about yourself right now. It makes no sense getting yourself all worked up over someone who seems to be ok with their decision. Learn to live your life as if she is never coming back. Be happy when you can, cry if you need to, talk to a friend or counselor and don't dwell on what could have been.


----------



## ZeroHawk (Mar 4, 2011)

Thanks for the advice Yummy. I have been trying to do all those things It is a very lonely existence for me at this point. I know this is for the best because of the fact that without her I feel i have nothing. That's no way for anyone to live and I need to get myself back before I can consider anyone else. It's hard though when you have spent a third of your life providing and caring 100% for someone else. I guess I just don't no how to care about myself anymore.


----------



## onceagain (May 31, 2011)

I feel your pain. My husband tells me he loves me but can't make a decision to work it out or let it go. He says he needs time but I'm apparently too weak to give it to him. Sometimes he answers my calls but he won't ever tell me if he sees himself trying again. Same answer, he is shell shocked and can't make a decision right now. Weeks and weeks go by...same answer. I started my divorce papers today. I don't know what else to do. What makes me feel like he'll come back even if I give him time? Our marriage was rough. He's not changing. It's been 4 months and he's made no effort. Why would dragging it out help anymore? He is just afraid I'll move on to someone else.


----------



## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I'm sorry you're going through this. You're in the right place since we're all going through it or recently have. At first my soon to be ex wanted to talk like we did most days. We've been separated for a year but trying to work things out. We were about to move to a new state for work and move in together. In the middle of our plans he totally pulled the plug on both the move and our marriage. I felt like the floor dropped out from under me.

I'm in the same place you are. I feel lost, alone and very sad. The past few days my husband has been very distant and not wanting to talk like he did before. Now I'm just trying to let it go. I have the urge to ask him what's wrong, is he mad at me, etc. 

w/e who cares he can be as mad at me as he wants!


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

onceagain said:


> I feel your pain. My husband tells me he loves me but can't make a decision to work it out or let it go. He says he needs time but I'm apparently too weak to give it to him. Sometimes he answers my calls but he won't ever tell me if he sees himself trying again. Same answer, he is shell shocked and can't make a decision right now. Weeks and weeks go by...same answer. I started my divorce papers today. I don't know what else to do. What makes me feel like he'll come back even if I give him time? Our marriage was rough. He's not changing. It's been 4 months and he's made no effort. Why would dragging it out help anymore? He is just afraid I'll move on to someone else.


I could have written this because I am in the exact same boat. My H & I have been separated over 3 months now and he can't commit to working on our M either, and it has been hard to be patient.
Let me ask you something, are you filing for D because you can't stand the uncertainty? The pain? Or are you filing because you no longer want to be married to him anymore.
How are you taking care of YOU during this time?

Your H is on his own journey right now, and you have to let him go on it. The fact that he is confused means he is at least considering it, and isn't that better than him saying he's done?
Just something to think about....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Zero-
So sorry you are going through this right now and are hurting so badly.
This emotional roller coaster we're on is tough, especially if you are like me and don't like roller coasters.

As hard as it is, let your W be. Use this time to focus on you and what you can do to be a better man. I would suggest C for yourself even if she won't agree to MC. I've been in C for almost 5 months and it has made a world of difference.

A lot of days are hard, but some of them are not, and I try to focus on the good days.

I read somewhere:

Glass half empty or full?

If it's raining, I don't care about the glass
If I'm in the desert, I'm dancing a jig.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

As hard as it is stay away from her. I'm a big believer in the mind set that people want what they can't have. 
In my opinion I think she still believes she has you on the back burner...maybe and just maybe she will realize that you are moving on and come to second quess her dicision IDK. Is it worth a try, yes.

You may find some relief that you can move on by trying to distance your self even more then you are. I quess I'm saying that you are still focused on getting her back that you have lost your self and there may be alot more out there, but you are holding your self back.
Let her go completely and it will only be up to her if she wants to come back.
Good luck and stay strong


----------



## ZeroHawk (Mar 4, 2011)

Thanks for all the responses I think I know a lot of these things already. It's just good to keep hearing it from other people. 

The_guy I think you're right I do need to just move on its hard though.

DelinquentGurl - Ive been thinking about doing C on my own now for about a month its just hard to know which C to turn too.


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Well, if there are some particular issues you would like to address try to find one that specializes in it, or does a lot of work with people who have the same issues.
Contact your insurance provider and see what in network services are available along with cost, etc.
When I chose my therapist, I went on their website and read a bio of about 7 different counselors, and had a list of 3 when I called. I thought I would get with the one who had the next available appt and as it turns out, I loved her and she has been very helpful.

My only advice to you is if you find a therapist you are not "clicking" with, don't give up on therapy, just find a different therapist. There are good and bad ones out there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ZeroHawk (Mar 4, 2011)

Her birthday is Saturday should I call or just stick to the emails like we have been?


----------



## Yummy2011 (Jun 1, 2011)

I don't think you should contact her at all at this point. Let her be happy, buy her a card and keep it if you really need to acknowledge her b-day. But let her be right now...my two cents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I wouldn't even buy her a card, personally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## staircase (May 16, 2011)

pfft I wouldn't even say happy birthday in my head, but I am a cold, bitter woman today.


----------



## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

I got great advice from my friend tonight, she said that I need to stop taking care of my H, who is the one who wants the divorce. I worry about his mental health, I am still shopping for him (clothes, etc). Tonight I called him to say I made chicken soup and if he wanted to come over (I was going out), he could. He comes to take care of the pool, so I shared my soup. I know, I know. I need to stop. He needs to notice what is missing from his life with me out of it. And so do you. Please try to see that the separation is what she is asking for, it could be good for you to work on yourself.


----------

