# H doesn't think I am attractive for sex



## UnknownFuture (Jan 13, 2012)

Hi. I have been looking and reading posts on the site for a few days and was apprehensive about joining, but I can really use some support. I don't really have anyone to talk to regarding this.

My husband and I don't ML and haven't since April of 2011. When I have initiated sex, he tells me he has a stomach ache or is tired. This has made me feel so unwanted and undesired. Well this morning, the same thing happened, but only this time, he tells me that he is not attracted to me when I am crying or when I behave the way I do. 

I cry because I am sad that everytime I try ti initiate, he turns me down and I can't feel anything but pityfull and unwanted. I am crying as I type this because I don't know what to do. I want to leave and go away.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

=/

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/33223-tips-ladies.html

But if that doesn't help, you may have an affair on your hands. Unless...

You mentioned...


> he tells me that he is not attracted to me when I am crying or when I behave the way I do.


Crying, neediness, being easy, turns me off too =/
Strength, pride, confidence, posture, seductive, challenge to conquer... turns me on

Maybe it's just his buttons...


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## UnknownFuture (Jan 13, 2012)

Thank you. I guess I should give you more information. In 2009 (xmas eve), my H left our home and went to the OW. I was destroyed. in August 2010, he begins emailing me to ask if I he had lost me (apparently the OW starting seeing someone else and was only looking for him to provide material things). I didn't respond to any of his emails or phone calls for 2 months. It was until October 2010 that we spoke and he wanted to try again. We spoke for months and saw each other for the first time in February 2011. He moved back home in April 2011. 

He says he is not seeing anyone and that sex has been a problem for him with me. But that he thinks we should be having sex, but that he is not attractive to me. He says that I cry and whine. But I have only done that when we get into a discussion about his past with OW. He does not want to talk about it and I need closure. He justs wants me to forget.


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## UnknownFuture (Jan 13, 2012)

I am going to leave, because I don't feel wanted. It is a damaging blow that I can't live with. I have been a good wife during his abandonment. I have been kind and caring, but that doesn't matter to my H or men.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

What has he done to help you heal? FFS even as strong as my wife is I don't expect her to be some ice queen after being cheated on.

In my opinion you've taken him back way too easily.



> but that doesn't matter to my H or men.


No good deed goes unpunished, right and wrong is a myth, there is only action and consequence. What you have done is spoiled him, allowed him to walk all over you, you're just too nice, and now you know the consequences.



> I am going to leave, because I don't feel wanted. It is a damaging blow that I can't live with. I have been a good wife during his abandonment. I have been kind and caring


You should, it doesn't seem like he can ever respect you now. And without respect, there can't be love.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

UnknownFuture said:


> He says he is not seeing anyone and that sex has been a problem for him with me. But that he thinks we should be having sex, but that he is not attractive to me. He says that I cry and whine. But I have only done that when we get into a discussion about his past with OW. He does not want to talk about it and I need closure. He justs wants me to forget.


Have you thought about marriage counseling? Would your H be open to that? You went through a very painful thing and your H wants you to forget about it? I hope others who have been in your situation will chime in as they may have much more to add. What your H is doing is rug sweeping. He left you for another woman and when she was done with him, he came crawling back to you... It doesn't sound to me like he did it because he missed you as a person, he missed the stability. When he rug sweeps this, there are so many unresolved feelings and it makes it very difficult to move forward without having the pain that goes along with those same feelings. You might find that he did in fact only come back because he had no where else to go... But you need to find out, you need a resolution.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> It doesn't sound to me like he did it because he missed you as a person, he missed the stability. When he rug sweeps this, there are so many unresolved feelings and it makes it very difficult to move forward without having the pain that goes along with those same feelings. You might find that he did in fact only come back because he had no where else to go


Agreed


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## UnknownFuture (Jan 13, 2012)

I am not sure how I feel, but I don't want my M to end like that, but I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to. I want to not be here anymore.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

In your present mood judging by your tone you're not capable of thinking straight...

Cry it out, think of everything that hurts you, and squeeze it all out like a pimple. With tears, or spit it out, vomit it, even bleed it out (no not your wrists, just slash your forearm, or your face... no not your neck please), whatever it takes - just get rid of it. The next phase is probably anger and hatred, let it out, scream, curse, hit something (preferably not something expensive), wreck your knuckles against the wall.

Now, after you're exhausted, come back to this thread, and read everyone's advice.


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## UnknownFuture (Jan 13, 2012)

I am not sure what I am saying. I have been though a lot. my M, work, my family (mother and sisters, neices and nepwhews). I have take care of all of them. My H, I give my all (took the language of the Bible), my family, anytime they need money, I give to them which is almost every other week. This is only time they call me. 

I feel like I follow the rules of bible and being good to H and family. Even work has been an issue where I worked my butt off and I get demoted because people were not satisfied with the system I delivered ( they didn't provide feedback!!)

I was a strong, proud, intelligent person who went from poverty to being an executive. When my H cheated, the trust was destroyed.

I have done things for myself and I can because I have the means, but it would be nice if someone that I loved thought about me. No one thinks about me or my feelings. So yes.


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## Sick2003svtcobra (Jan 11, 2012)

I am not really atracted to my wife anymore for a bunch of reasons but when she has initiated I was all in. And if she does initiate again I am all in. Most guys wont turn away sex unless there is something underlying.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

UnknownFuture said:


> I am not sure what I am saying. I have been though a lot. my M, work, my family (mother and sisters, neices and nepwhews). I have take care of all of them. My H, I give my all (took the language of the Bible), my family, anytime they need money, I give to them which is almost every other week. This is only time they call me.
> 
> I feel like I follow the rules of bible and being good to H and family. Even work has been an issue where I worked my butt off and I get demoted because people were not satisfied with the system I delivered ( they didn't provide feedback!!)
> 
> ...


I am sorry that you are going through this right now it must be hard as hell. Please realize that you don't want to do something stupid due to this pos. These cancers in your life need to be cut out completly. Start treating them as if they where one of your employees, would you keep somebody around that was not holding up their own weight?

I know it's hard as hell right now and your emotions are probibly pulling you in a thousand differnt directions but please realize that there are people out there that will love and respect you for who you are, not what you bring to the table material wise.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

UnknownFuture said:


> I am not sure what I am saying. I have been though a lot. my M, work, my family (mother and sisters, neices and nepwhews). I have take care of all of them. My H, I give my all (took the language of the Bible), my family, anytime they need money, I give to them which is almost every other week. This is only time they call me.
> 
> I feel like I follow the rules of bible and being good to H and family. Even work has been an issue where I worked my butt off and I get demoted because people were not satisfied with the system I delivered ( they didn't provide feedback!!)
> 
> ...


I am pretty sure that the Bible doesn't condone ending one's own life...

Get yourself to the emergency room if you're feeling suicidal - sometimes, the Bible just can't help you in life...

Please, help yourself.


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## UnknownFuture (Jan 13, 2012)

I am leaving to stay at hotel for w few days. not sure after that.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

UnknownFuture said:


> I am not sure what I am saying. I have been though a lot. my M, work, my family (mother and sisters, neices and nepwhews). I have take care of all of them. My H, I give my all (took the language of the Bible), my family, anytime they need money, I give to them which is almost every other week. This is only time they call me.
> 
> I feel like I follow the rules of bible and being good to H and family. Even work has been an issue where I worked my butt off and I get demoted because people were not satisfied with the system I delivered ( they didn't provide feedback!!)
> 
> ...


Hun - You are hurt, you need to breath, calm down. You are still a strong, proud and intelligent person, no one should have the power to take that from you... Certainly not a cheating husband! Your H is only one person in this world, do not let him destroy you like this. It sounds like you have become a doormat for a lot of people, only you have the power to stop this. It does not mean you have to give up, it means that you have to work on yourself, work at giving yourself more self-worth  Keep posting, let it out, if you are not comfortable doing that, call a help line... There are ears out there that can listen to you. I've called a few in my time... Just to talk and after that 15 minute conversation, I have always felt better. Things don't change overnight, but they can change, it can get better.


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## UnknownFuture (Jan 13, 2012)

I want to say thank you so much for all of your feedback. I am so lost right now. I just packed so things and I have no one to depend on. everyone has always depend on me, because " I was brought up to always do the right thing"; When I need them most, they ricicule me and make me feel inadequate. why would I want this? Should I leave MY home?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You definitely need to harden up, listen to yourself


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## Suemolly (Jun 19, 2011)

If he says he is not attracted to you, it does NOT mean you aren't attractive. It means he's lost it for you...which is sad if you love the man. But you could still be very attractive for other men.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I am not defending him because he appears to be mostly at fault. However, I would try to talk about this and try to do it, in a non-confrontational, non-emotional way, which will promote communication. 

Hi. I have been looking and reading posts on the site for a few days and was apprehensive about joining, but I can really use some support. I don't really have anyone to talk to regarding this.

My husband and I don't ML and haven't since April of 2011. When I have initiated sex, he tells me he has a stomach ache or is tired. This has made me feel so unwanted and undesired. Well this morning, the same thing happened, but only this time, he tells me that he is not attracted to me when I am crying or when I behave the way I do. 

I cry because I am sad that everytime I try ti initiate, he turns me down and I can't feel anything but pityfull and unwanted. I am crying as I type this because I don't know what to do. I want to leave and go away.[/QUOTE]


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Let me modify my message. If he had an affair, doesn't apologize, and is now messing with your mind, you have to consider calling it a day.


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

I'm assuming the OW dumped him and he had no where else to go so he came back to you. I think you should kick HIM out of your house (change the locks) and don't contact him what so ever. You need some time to reflect about what you want and what makes you happy! Cut all of the toxic people out of your life, even if they're family. If the only time they call you is for money, tell them to take a hike, you're not going to be walked all over. 

This is a brand new year, make it about you! Make yourself happy and surround yourself with things that make you happy. You said you were brought up to "always do the right thing" now it's time to do the right thing for yourself  don't let people bring you down.

I know it hurts to be cheated on and have your marriage fall apart, but you will recover, get better and be happier...trust me, been there, done that, got the t-shirt!


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

I don't think you should be alone right now. I know you said you have no one - can you get a counselor, or someone who can help you ASAP?

No one is worth this honey, please get help. You need to learn to love yourself. Life will go on and you will find happiness once you heal.

Stay safe and be healthy. Take care of yourself. There is someone out there for you, your H just isn't him. You will meet someone who loves you and wants to be with you...


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I think what is happening is that your h expected to come back and you would forgive and FORGET everything. Since you bring it up this hasnt happened. Until you do this your H wont be attractive to you or you to him.
You have to decide for yourself do you want to do this or not. If not divorce is the only answer.


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