# Am I that weak? Or could she be right?



## CharlieBrown (May 10, 2011)

In another thread, I posted about my marriage probs in more detail. But another issue has come up and not sure what it means. My wife and I do love each other. Her issues to resolve were related to Finance, budgeting, spending money and the kids. We have been in MC for 5 weeks now and even though she was the one who brought up the Separation word, she has since felt better that I am understanding what I have done wrong and sees real effort that I am learning and communicating better to have her issues put at ease. So we are learning to problem solve together and have had several great days. However, at the begining, she also is very aware that I have some trust issues regarding 2 different men that she hid their relationships for almost 2 years from me. her answer was that she knew it would piss me off if I found out, but since she was doing nothing morally wrong and they were just friends, that the issue isnt that big to her, as she says. "If I stop contact, what else can I do to fix my issue to make you feel better". But its beyond that. She has told me that she cant further her career because if there are men in that workplace she is afraid I will accuse her of sleeping with all of them. Well, she likes male friends better than females, she relates to them better and she has absolutely no understanding from my end how dangerous the reality of an EA is. She says she is not part of the stats, she is herself and she is secure in her thresholds and has never felt she is doing anything wrong. Our MC has also told us to both seek IC, which I am doing, but she says she doesnt need it all, as she will live with what she believes is best for her. I cant continue on knowing I have hurt her ability to better herself in a career, or go out with her girlfriends, because shes afraid of what I will say if she comes home late. I am afraid we have damaged each other since we were married at 17 & 19 and are now 43 and 45. We are both afraid we wont be able to get over the trust issues and even though we love each other so much, we are afraid the end is near. Actually, I feel I need to set her free, from the hurt I have caused her. Should I feel that way and should we separate, she wants me to wait 3 weeks, until the kids are out of school, which I guess is fine, but its so hard to know i have to stay there, knowing my time with my family is shortly coming to an end.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Hurt her career? That seems a lot to put onto you. How about the women who DO sleep around the office, or even flirt about, that doesnt bode well for a career or the appearance of professionalism.

She sounds like she needs attention to make herself feel better. And one man is not going to do it. It may have been enough for a long while, but perhaps something like a crisis of some sort has set in and she needs to be shown shes still beautiful to someone other than whose always been there to say so.
Liking male friends better than female friends is something I heard as well. but theres a personal limit one must have on themselves in that pursuit, to be respectful and honoring of their own marriage and involvement with he who is the "one".

If she knew her hidden relationship/friendship with other men would piss you off, why didnt she attempt to introduce you? There is a solid reason behind that, and a lack of respect for your marriage is part of it. Id wonder what the reverse of the situation would be, and you had the girlfriends she didnt know.
This is something she probably realizes without much effort.

You are taking wayyyyyy too much responsibility on yourself. if you had serious issues, thats one thing, but to have come to a point where you feel your trust is being constantly threatened, and no response other than to shift it all back onto you, and portray a "shackeled away" control issue is taking no personal responsibility for herself and her actions. 

Much of this was what I heard as well, to find that there WAS something else going on. Be on the lookout, I really hope that there is nothing happening, and this is a one in a million type of thing, but read through this forum, before you take it all on your own shoulders. 
No willingness on her part to even attempt IC seems like someone in denial, at least that they must be consciously aware of the affect their actions have on someone that is supposed to be so important to them if allllll that love is there.

I wish you the best man. Dont beat yourself up for expecting better.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What is your wife 16, and re-living what she did in High School, where she probably went with a boy, had a few dates, got tired of him, and moved on to the next guy, after guy, after guy.

She ain't in H, S,, anymore------

She CANNOT have relations with other guys---it is inappropriate, it is toxic, and it is wrecking your mge

I am not sure if you said she was sleeping with these guys or not---but it doesn't really matter---she can't have single male friends---and spend time with them

She can have male friends that are friends of the mge---or guys she knows, from the past---she can say hi to them every few months in passing and have a 5 minute discussion about how things are going---AND THAT IS IT

No e-mail, no text, no more than 1 phone call every few months

Work place relations---unless it is strictly work---nothing beyond that

If she wants more tell her to get a divorce, become single, and she can have a different guy every night

If you do not play this out---HARD---she is just gonna keep using you as a doormat---so the question then becomes---how DO YOU, wanna spend the rest of YOUR life----

We know what she wants---she wants validation, and attention from all these guys she flirts with, and she could care less about her "nice guy H", who she really doesn't really care to much about----DOES THAT SUM IT UP FOR YOU


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

To answer your question of the post title, you *are* being that weak. This feels like classic 180 material -- read up on it.

Easy for us to say, difficult to do -- but you're answering your own questions... you're being a doormat to her, letting her manipulate, 
and enabling her unacceptable behavior to continue. 

Time to man up.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

^YUP... don't want to sound harsh, but you gotta "man-up" my friend. How could she put such a burden on you after HER less than worthy actions. Be strong.


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