# Lies are never ending



## LoveNot (Aug 22, 2018)

Hi everyone, I’m new here and have somethings to get off my chest and here seems less me a good place! I’ve been married for 7 years to a man who still loved someone else even before we got married. In little ways things always revealed themselves and I found out he was talking to her a year after we were married, she had called him when he left his phone at the house and I answered it, long story short he got so mad that I found out that he started filing for divorce and I pleaded for him to stay with me. The next 6 years I have found where he was talking to her again And sending pictures. We have a IPad together so many times he didn’t log off and i would see things or once his son had me help him with something on his dads phone and I seen things. Over the years I tried to win his attention and love but the last straw was last year when he emailed her a very detailed letter about dreaming of her and such and she reply’s with she will never forgive herself for not staying with him. I have had a hard time trusting him but I always forgave him and believed him when he said he wouldn’t get in touch with her anymore. Now I don’t trust him at all, he always has his phone with him and never leaves it lying around as where I leave mine everywhere. He constantly asks me who I’m txting when I have never given him a reason to doubt me but he constantly asks what I’m doing on my phone. 
There are so many more detailed things but it would take days to get it all out here I’ll spare the details! I feel like he will never get over her and I’ve been nothing but good to him and taken care of everything for him the house his kids, I have often wondered If he is just waiting on her to come to him then I’m out the door, I actually feel this to be true. He isn’t affectionate towards me and lies about everything from money to even little things that wouldn’t seem to matter. I told him a couple of months back that I wanted to leave him and he begged for me stay so I did but I don’t feel like I love him anymore and I feel he is still talking to her. I guess I should leave!


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## mvorrath39 (Jun 10, 2015)

Why would you want to stay with a man who clearly has no respect for you. He obviously wasn’t afraid if you found the pictures and things you were finding on the phone and iPad or he would delete them or when she called tell her not to call again. Men are such pigs that think they are really smart when really they are not!! I’m having issues with my own husband right now and we’re considering divorce. Good luck!!


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## mvorrath39 (Jun 10, 2015)

Be your own person and don’t beg people to stay when it’s clear through their actions and behaviors that they would rather be somewhere else.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

LoveNot said:


> I have had a hard time trusting him but I always forgave him and believed him


Don't...do...don't

I can see that you have gotten hold of the right ideas. When you married him, did you promise to "trust" him ? I don't think so, but I could be wrong.

Forgiving him is essential for your own emotional health. It is entirely right for you to forgive him. But forgiveness does not require you to continue the relationship.

Believe him ? He has totally proven that you cannot believe him, he is a bold-faced liar.



LoveNot said:


> I feel like he will never get over her and I’ve been nothing but good to him and taken care of everything for him the house his kids,


I had a wife like this. I was never anything but good to her, accepted her child as my own, and was the sole family breadwinner. However, she was in love with her "porn star" guy. Nothing I did ever changed this. She just had a sense of entitlement to have me be a faithful and devoted husband and father. In fact, she admitted that's why she married me. 

No matter what I did, or how much I did, it wouldn't have mattered.



LoveNot said:


> I have often wondered If he is just waiting on her to come to him then I’m out the door, I actually feel this to be true.


I also actually feel this to be true, in the sense that he is "waiting". Of course, he "begs" you to stay, he doesn't want to lose the lifestyle you work your a$$ off to provide him. What a POS......he wants to take, without giving, be loved, without loving....a completely self-centered jacka$$....



LoveNot said:


> I guess I should leave!


Stop guessing. You have said the secret word....but now, you should collect your prize money. Have an attorney get it for you, then find yourself a morally-upright, sacrificial, loving man to be your husband, and be happy.

What your current husband is doing is adultery. Plain, and simple. Whether there is any physical contact, or not.


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## mvorrath39 (Jun 10, 2015)

You should read mine entitled “Confused” and tell me what I should do


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

LoveNot said:


> Hi everyone, I’m new here and have somethings to get off my chest and here seems less me a good place! I’ve been married for 7 years to a man who still loved someone else even before we got married. In little ways things always revealed themselves and I found out he was talking to her a year after we were married, she had called him when he left his phone at the house and I answered it, long story short he got so mad that I found out that he started filing for divorce and I pleaded for him to stay with me. The next 6 years I have found where he was talking to her again And sending pictures. We have a IPad together so many times he didn’t log off and i would see things or once his son had me help him with something on his dads phone and I seen things. Over the years I tried to win his attention and love but the last straw was last year when he emailed her a very detailed letter about dreaming of her and such and she reply’s with she will never forgive herself for not staying with him. I have had a hard time trusting him but I always forgave him and believed him when he said he wouldn’t get in touch with her anymore. Now I don’t trust him at all, he always has his phone with him and never leaves it lying around as where I leave mine everywhere. He constantly asks me who I’m txting when I have never given him a reason to doubt me but he constantly asks what I’m doing on my phone.
> There are so many more detailed things but it would take days to get it all out here I’ll spare the details! I feel like he will never get over her and I’ve been nothing but good to him and taken care of everything for him the house his kids, I have often wondered If he is just waiting on her to come to him then I’m out the door, I actually feel this to be true. He isn’t affectionate towards me and lies about everything from money to even little things that wouldn’t seem to matter. I told him a couple of months back that I wanted to leave him and he begged for me stay so I did but I don’t feel like I love him anymore and I feel he is still talking to her. I guess I should leave!


You need to file and get out of this. 

You were wrong to beg him back, never do that with anyone again. If they do not love you above all others you should not want to be with them.

And yes you need to get out now...


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

LoveNot said:


> Hi everyone, Now I don’t trust him at all, ...........
> There are so many more detailed things but it would take days to get it all out here I’ll spare the details! I feel like he will never get over her and I’ve been nothing but good to him and taken care of everything for him the house his kids, I have often wondered If he is just waiting on her to come to him then I’m out the door, I actually feel this to be true. He isn’t affectionate towards me and lies about everything from money to even little things that wouldn’t seem to matter. I told him a couple of months back that I wanted to leave him and he begged for me stay so I did but I don’t feel like I love him anymore and I feel he is still talking to her. I guess I should leave!


Why do you want to be a housekeeper and babysitter for someone who has been involved throughout your marriage with the love of his life (who didn't want him until he was unavailable)? Let him have his heart's desire. 

His actions speak louder than words. Have you lost all feelings of self-worth?


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## PreRaph (Jun 13, 2017)

LoveNot said:


> I guess I should leave!


Yes, you should.

The longer you stay with a man that clearly has shown that he loves someone else rather than you, the less you give yourself the chance to meet a man that really loves you.


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## LoveNot (Aug 22, 2018)

I stay because I believe what he says when he says it’s over with her but I think he knows how to play me after 7 yrs of the same thing


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## LoveNot (Aug 22, 2018)

He has land that he put in his moms name to avoid his ex wife from getting it through divorce but he recently put the land back in his name a few months ago and I asked him to put it in both of our names to assure me that he did want us together “forever” we did build a house on the land together and i helped build and pay for it but if we get in a fight he tells me I can just go but anyway he said that he won’t put the land and house in both our names because he doesn’t want to take a chance of loosing it if we split. So yes I have thought about a lawyer


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## LoveNot (Aug 22, 2018)

I made a lot of self improvements over the last 2 yrs as in a way better career change total makeover and recently my mind has changed a way in thinking that I am capable of taking care of myself financially and I have taken hold of standing up for myself and not feeling the need to please his every need, the only thing right now is that he is acting very apologetic and acts like he wants us to make it now but I can’t tell the truth from the lies anymore and I feel miserable most of the time


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

LoveNot said:


> the only thing right now is that he is acting very apologetic and acts like he wants us to make it now but I can’t tell the truth from the lies anymore and I feel miserable most of the time


Self improvement is always great--taking care of self. But you seem to be doing the pick me dance? Seven years of lies with evidence? 

If I were you, I'd at least get legal advice on where I stand in any situation--with understanding, comes power.

Not my choice, but yours--make him work for you if he REALLY wants you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

LoveNot said:


> Hi everyone, I’m new here and have somethings to get off my chest and here seems less me a good place! I’ve been married for 7 years to a man who still loved someone else even before we got married. In little ways things always revealed themselves and I found out he was talking to her a year after we were married, she had called him when he left his phone at the house and I answered it, long story short he got so mad that I found out that he started filing for divorce and I pleaded for him to stay with me. The next 6 years I have found where he was talking to her again And sending pictures. We have a IPad together so many times he didn’t log off and i would see things or once his son had me help him with something on his dads phone and I seen things. Over the years I tried to win his attention and love but the last straw was last year when he emailed her a very detailed letter about dreaming of her and such and she reply’s with she will never forgive herself for not staying with him. I have had a hard time trusting him but I always forgave him and believed him when he said he wouldn’t get in touch with her anymore. Now I don’t trust him at all, he always has his phone with him and never leaves it lying around as where I leave mine everywhere. He constantly asks me who I’m txting when I have never given him a reason to doubt me but he constantly asks what I’m doing on my phone.
> There are so many more detailed things but it would take days to get it all out here I’ll spare the details! I feel like he will never get over her and I’ve been nothing but good to him and taken care of everything for him the house his kids, I have often wondered If he is just waiting on her to come to him then I’m out the door, I actually feel this to be true. He isn’t affectionate towards me and lies about everything from money to even little things that wouldn’t seem to matter. I told him a couple of months back that I wanted to leave him and he begged for me stay so I did but I don’t feel like I love him anymore and I feel he is still talking to her. I guess I should leave!


*He may have married you, but true to form, you remain little more than his "Plan B!" Someone else is his "Plan A" and I've got a feeling that you know damned well who that is!

The reason he's nervous about what you're doing is not because of his fear of any infidelity on your part! It's preeminently because he's afraid of what else about his cheating ways that you'll uncover next!

Why would you ever entertain living with a deceptive lout like him? He's in the unenviable position of "having his cake and eating it too!"

Give him the air and file for divorce immediately. You deserve far better than his life of lies and deception!*


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## LoveNot (Aug 22, 2018)

arbitrator said:


> *He may have married you, but true to form, you remain little more than his "Plan B!" Someone else is his "Plan A" and I've got a feeling that you know damned well who that is!
> 
> The reason he's nervous about what you're doing is not because of his fear of any infidelity on your part! It's preeminently because he's afraid of what else about his cheating ways that you'll uncover next!
> 
> ...


I never thought of it in that way of him thinking i might find something else out. I should have left a long time ago


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Mean what you say and do it. 

He has been carrying on at least an emotional affair, if not PA.

Does OW have a significant other? He may be afraid UR going to expose to OWSO.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You made a massive mistake when you first begged him to stay. You should have stood up to him and said then unless you cut off all contact I am leaving. You made more massive mistakes when he carried on this relationship and yet you believed him that he wasnt. 
As lady Diana famously said, you have three people in this marriage, and it doesn't seem like he will ever give her up, so you either accept that he has 2 women or you leave. The fact that he is so secretive with his phone shows that they are still having this relationship.


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## LoveNot (Aug 22, 2018)

PreRaph said:


> Yes, you should.
> 
> The longer you stay with a man that clearly has shown that he loves someone else rather than you, the less you give yourself the chance to meet a man that really loves you.


I have thought of this before. I’ve thought hard on if i leave him and that i may not find someone else but at the same time I think that would be okay because I’d rather be alone than with someone who can’t feel the same way as me


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## LoveNot (Aug 22, 2018)

sunsetmist said:


> Mean what you say and do it.
> 
> He has been carrying on at least an emotional affair, if not PA.
> 
> Does OW have a significant other? He may be afraid UR going to expose to OWSO.


She lives in a different state that’s why they split because neither one wanted to move to the same state. She’s been in and out of relationships not sure if she’s in one now. The thing is and I guess the reason I’m on here is because I’m 42 and nervous about making that move but it’s confusing because I know I would be happier and stress free in doing so. It’s like I said I got up the nerve to tell him I was leaving but he was making himself out to be so real and determined to make things work so I stayed but my feelings towards him stayed the same as in not trusting him still


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

What is your gut telling you to do?

Are you hung up on the man you wish he were, or the man he is? Your decision. 

Is there benefit in telling him honestly how you feel?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Staying because of fear of being alone is a terrible idea. Is he still in contact with her now or don't you know?


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## LostInPHX (Jun 3, 2018)

It is easy for people on this group to say "_Get A Divorce_", but divorce is a long, tedious, messy process. The lying will *NEVER* stop. I know!! You need to look at your options and decide what is best for YOU. You can ignore the lies, or you can do something about it. Counciling is an option. I think talking to a lawyer is good advice. I did and I learned a lot! You have to know what you CAN do and what your CANNOT do. Yes, it will cost money, but at least you will be informed as to what your options are.

I talked to a lawyer and we are on a path to an _eventual_ divorce. It will probably take until sometime next year, but I am on the path. She continues to lie to me, even though I had a PI following her and seeing her public sex acts with the OM. She denies all of it. When I say "People SAW you" she just shrugges it off and doesn't say anything. She can *NEVER* tell the truth and she will always sneak around to have sex with the OM whenever she thinks she can get away with it. I can NEVER trust her! Do youself a favor and at least learn what your options are. Yes, it will take patience and time and money. Just think of the *BAD[/U/* that they have done and it makes it much easier. Can you live with yourself knowing the BAD???


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He wants the convenience of marriage with you and the fantasy of a life with her. He doesn't want a divorce because he wants you to continue doing all those things you've done for him over the years so he keeps promising you that things will change. Will they? Change is very hard and though many make promises, unfortunately not many succeed long-term. That's a hard life. I lived it for a very long time and I don't recommend it.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

LoveNot said:


> he recently put the land back in his name a few months ago and I asked him to put it in both of our names
> he said that he won’t put the land and house in both our names because he doesn’t want to take a chance of loosing it if we split.


Yes. A lawyer. TODAY. Make an appointment before sundown today. 

Going to see an attorney does not mean that you have to file any legal action. You can go just for the attorney's advice.

In the state I live in, the statutes of marriages say that property acquired during the marriage belongs to both partners, regardless of whose "name" it is titled to. Property acquired by one partner prior to the marriage belongs to that partner only, unless titled in both names.

Your H is a typical "cake-eater".... he is not really concerned with whether you go or stay, because his "source of supply", emotionally speaking, is from the OW.

His concern is how much of his assets he is going to lose, and how much of his future income he will have to give to you and your children. That's all. Like he says, you can "just leave". He doesn't care if you're gone, so long as his assets aren't.

What your H doesn't know, is how the laws actually work. He is making assumptions which may not be correct. Find out for yourself what is correct in the state or locale where you live. And, don't tell him JACK. Not about where you go, what you do, or what you learn.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Openminded said:


> He wants the convenience of marriage with you and the fantasy of a life with her. He doesn't want a divorce because he wants you to continue doing all those things you've done for him over the years so he keeps promising you that things will change.


Things WILL NOT change. Fuhgedaboudit. Do what YOU have to do for a happy life.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Why did you marry him in the first place???

He already was into someone so why did you bother to get married to him?? 
Sorry girl, it's your fault. Not his. 

What worse is that you ALREADY KNEW that he wasn't into you, so what were you expecting? To change him? To make him fall for you?? 

That's like fairy tale. You should've accepted the reality 7 years ago and never marry him to begin with. 
Therefore the issue started long ago. What you're experiencing now is the consequence.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Openminded said:


> He wants the convenience of marriage with you and the fantasy of a life with her. He doesn't want a divorce because he wants you to continue doing all those things you've done for him over the years so he keeps promising you that things will change. Will they? Change is very hard and though many make promises, unfortunately not many succeed long-term. That's a hard life. I lived it for a very long time and I don't recommend it.


Openminded has hit the nail on the head, here. He loves her, but you make his life comfortable, so he doesn't want to give that up so easily. Not a good enough reason to keep him. Marriage is only supposed to be between two people. Reminds me of another poster here, who's husband has kept his ex girlfriend around for their entire marriage, and has physically cheated with her multiple times... and yet the wife keeps staying with him. What would you advise HER, or someone else in this situation? You deserve a man who loves only you, and who you don't have to share. Stop the pick me dance, no man is worth that.


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