# Wife keep buying son grocery



## Ricky2424 (Jul 23, 2012)

When my son lived with us. She refuse let him do any house work and any yard work. Anytime I say something about him not doing any work around the house. She would call me lazy. He is now 23 years old.. About 3 years ago he moved in a apartment with his girlfriend. And each week the wife would take grocery over to them. I told her that was very bad mistake because they cant figure out a food budget if she taking food to them every week. Both of them had work and wasnt hurting for money. Well she took food of to them for 8 months straight.. Would been longer but they broke up and he moved back home. The son just moved out last month with his new girlfriend he been dating for past 2 years. The wife doing the same thing all over again. She keep taking grocery over to them every week. They cant figure out a correct budget if she keep doing that and they wont know if they can make it or not if she keep taking them food every week... I kept telling her lets take food to them when they need it for example if one of them loose their job or something. What you guys think about it ??


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

That needs to stop..........period. I know parents that coddle their kids.....can't stand to be around them. The kids just glide along expecting to be taken care of and will be absolutely lost when the gravy train stops.


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## Ricky2424 (Jul 23, 2012)

Betrayedone said:


> That needs to stop..........period. I know parents that coddle their kids.....can't stand to be around them. The kids just glide along expecting to be taken care of and will be absolutely lost when the gravy train stops.


 Thanks Betrayedone ! I been trying to get her to understand that but she kept saying I am being a jerk. I told her she is hurting him in a long run by doing that. He would be so depended on it each week even if they can afford it or not...


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

I totally get where you're coming from and agree with you. It is her job as a parent to teach her child how to self-sufficient/take care of himself.
It seems to me that she wants him to be dependent upon her. Perhaps you can help her seek/find a better/different way to stay a part of his life without being an enabler.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I suspect this has nothing to do with making sure he has food to eat. This is her way of keeping herself front and center in his life. It will cause problems with his SO unless the girl is just taking him for a ride.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

What does your sons new girlfriend think about Mommy buying groceries for them?
If your wife had any sense of boundaries she would stop this behavior immediately and I wonder how much her interference affected your sons previous relationship.And does it stop at groceries,does she pop around and do their laundry also?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Perfectly fine if the kid is a student or working for low money on the way to something better. If kid is hopeless, not a good idea.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

john117 said:


> Perfectly fine if the kid is a student or working for low money on the way to something better. If kid is hopeless, not a good idea.


A soft spot.

One never seen, never felt possible.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Your wife is doing this in order to stay in her son’s life, and in order to become a part of the girlfriend’s life in case they have children. It is a strategy that makes perfect sense. If you can afford it, not only should you be OK with it, but you should encourage it so as to remain close with your son. Trust me when I say that once you get older, you will be glad that you did. There are so many lonely older people that hardly ever see their children or grandchildren, do not become one of them.

BTW, you married a good person, you should appreciate her more.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

As @ Blondilocks suggested: It is about all mom and her needs, not the son.

I would guess that she helps out in other ways too. (Budget really has no part in any of this.)

Are there other siblings? What would happen to son if something happened to mom?

Are there cultural issues or health issues that add to this mess?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What happened to the rest of the posts on this thread?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You don’t feel your opinion has a lot of weight with your wife, do you?
It’s becayse you don’t. 
What your wife is going is ridiculous, to the point that I would think her son (your son?)
Would be so annoyed he’d ask her to stop, himself.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> What happened to the rest of the posts on this thread?


Or other threads


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

john117 said:


> Or other threads


It's like 'now you see it, now you don't, oh wait, there it is - no, it's gone again'. They're messing with us john.:grin2:


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> What your wife is going is ridiculous, to the point that I would think her son (your son?)
> Would be so annoyed he’d ask her to stop, himself.


 The OP's wife is foolish enough to have likely given this kid a huge sense of self entitlement because he doesn't even know how to do his own laundry or wipe his own ass because he doesn't HAVE to - mommy will do it for him.

Women who continually cater to their kids well into adulthood - like your wife is doing - mistakenly think that makes them a great parent. It doesn't. It makes her an idiot because she doesn't have the common sense to know that a GOOD parent gives their child the *tools and knowledge* for them to be *able* to make it out in the real world on their own. All she and her overgrown ego are doing are turning him into a self-entitled Peter Pan who'll never grow up.

Don't worry. When this girlfriend (probably just like the last one) gets tired of living with a helpless little boy who needs a woman to do everything for him except chew his food, she'll likely bolt and he'll come right back home.

Again.

Don't be surprised when he's 30 and STILL living in his boyhood room sleeping on his Batman sheets. Pfffft.


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## Ricky2424 (Jul 23, 2012)

VibrantWings said:


> I totally get where you're coming from and agree with you. It is her job as a parent to teach her child how to self-sufficient/take care of himself.
> It seems to me that she wants him to be dependent upon her. Perhaps you can help her seek/find a better/different way to stay a part of his life without being an enabler.


Very good point VibrantWings.. We just got back from visiting our son and his girlfriend.. We were there for about 3 hours and she spent most of that time cleaning their kitchen cabinets instead in the living with our son, his girlfriend and I.


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## Ricky2424 (Jul 23, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> I suspect this has nothing to do with making sure he has food to eat. This is her way of keeping herself front and center in his life. It will cause problems with his SO unless the girl is just taking him for a ride.


 Very good way of thinking Blondilocks ! And he is the only child we have too..


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## Ricky2424 (Jul 23, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> What does your sons new girlfriend think about Mommy buying groceries for them?
> If your wife had any sense of boundaries she would stop this behavior immediately and I wonder how much her interference affected your sons previous relationship.And does it stop at groceries,does she pop around and do their laundry also?


I dont know what they think about her buying them groceries.. But we just got back from visiting my son and his girlfriend.. We were there for 3 hours and she spent almost the whole time cleaning their kitchen cabinets. And my son, his girlfriend and I were sitting in the living room. Weird she rather clean their kitchen cabinets then spend time with her son in the living room.


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## Ricky2424 (Jul 23, 2012)

john117 said:


> Perfectly fine if the kid is a student or working for low money on the way to something better. If kid is hopeless, not a good idea.


 He isnt a student. He has a good paying job and working full time.. So does his girlfriend.


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## Ricky2424 (Jul 23, 2012)

sunsetmist said:


> As @ Blondilocks suggested: It is about all mom and her needs, not the son.
> 
> I would guess that she helps out in other ways too. (Budget really has no part in any of this.)
> 
> ...


 He is our only child.. And he has no health issues.. He has a good paying full time job and so does his girlfriend. If something happens to mom. then he would have to reply more on his girlfriend to do everything for him.


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## Ricky2424 (Jul 23, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> You don’t feel your opinion has a lot of weight with your wife, do you?
> It’s becayse you don’t.
> What your wife is going is ridiculous, to the point that I would think her son (your son?)
> Would be so annoyed he’d ask her to stop, himself.


 Nope, no matter what i say. .she always keep doing what she wants.. So my opinion doesnt matter to her. And i am sure my son wont tell her to stop because he is so dependent on her..


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## Ricky2424 (Jul 23, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> The OP's wife is foolish enough to have likely given this kid a huge sense of self entitlement because he doesn't even know how to do his own laundry or wipe his own ass because he doesn't HAVE to - mommy will do it for him.
> 
> Women who continually cater to their kids well into adulthood - like your wife is doing - mistakenly think that makes them a great parent. It doesn't. It makes her an idiot because she doesn't have the common sense to know that a GOOD parent gives their child the *tools and knowledge* for them to be *able* to make it out in the real world on their own. All she and her overgrown ego are doing are turning him into a self-entitled Peter Pan who'll never grow up.
> 
> ...


I agree with 100% everything you typed ..I told he many times it is our job to prepare our son for the real world many times as she was growing up.. She wouldnt listen to me.. He is our only child..


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

My mother did the same with my brother but not for me. If he needed a babysitter she did it no issue, if I needed on, I had to pay her to spend time with her grandkids.

This has caused a lot of resentment on my side and from my kids.

Buy her a puppy so she has something else to focus on and stop paying his way. If he can make it on his own let him.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Ricky2424 (Jul 23, 2012)

xMadame said:


> My mother did the same with my brother but not for me. If he needed a babysitter she did it no issue, if I needed on, I had to pay her to spend time with her grandkids.
> 
> This has caused a lot of resentment on my side and from my kids.
> 
> ...


 wow.. You mother was clearing playing favoritism. Sorry to hear that. In our case, we only have 1 child. So we dont have that kind of issue you going through. Good advice.. thanks.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

I used to work with a guy years ago, and it was much the same thing. His mother did his grocery shopping for him, and made sure all of his bills were paid on time, and just ran his life in general. He had his act together about as much as you would think, and any woman who went out with him hit the eject button pretty quickly. It was the exact same story for his older brother, too, and both of them were basically grown-up teenagers. His sister, though? Every little thing the mother would do for the boys, she wouldn't do for her daughter. The boys got the carrot, she got the stick. Every time.

Woe betide that man when his mother dies, because he will be thrown into the deep end of the pool as far as being an adult goes, and won't be able to dog paddle let alone swim.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

xMadame said:


> My mother did the same with my brother but not for me. If he needed a babysitter she did it no issue, if I needed on, I had to pay her to spend time with her grandkids.
> 
> This has caused a lot of resentment on my side and from my kids.
> 
> ...


I know this situation well. When I was 16, I needed to start paying room and board because "we're broke because your Dad isn't paying his child support" (he was). Money was greatly wasted in the household, but what could I do? Thus began the "just sign your paycheque to me and I'll give you cash when you need it" phase of my life. Lol... Most of the time if I asked for cash, I was told "Sorry, there's none left." When my brother turned 16 a couple of years later, none of this happened.

When my wife and I had little kids, my mother made sure it was known in no uncertain terms that she was not put on earth to be a babysitter. Fine; that's the truth, and nobody owed it to us. My niece? There's a weekly sleep-over at Grandma's house.

I've never held it against my brother, but that doesn't mean that I liked it.


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

Hi Ricky. I wanted to offer my experience because I was the girlfriend in your scenario many moons ago. For me, my marriage is over and I'm in a new better chapter, so this is to hopefully help your son and your family from this perspective. I think you need to have a long talk with your son and your wife (separately) because her behavior has the potential to sabotage your son's life.

When I was dating stbxh, he lived with his brother in an apartment, and his mom and stepdad lived a 4-hour drive away. Every other weekend she would drive up and buy all groceries for them, do their laundry, take them to dinner, give them an allowance, clean their apartment and cook for them. They'd do fun things like go to bars and concerts together as well. The "boys" had never bought toilet paper in their life, never did a load of laundry, exMIL did it all for them, into their late 20s.

The first six months of our dating was really good and happy, but I wanted to get more serious so we started to do things on our own when she was visiting during her weekends. Both exBIL and exMIL were very upset with me for that, for taking him away from them. From then on it became a struggle because I felt like I was dating all of them, was totally enmeshed in a really unhealthy way. 11 months into dating we decided to move in together in our own apartment and he also proposed. exMIL was getting divorced at the same time and decided to move up here next to us, about 2 miles away from our new apartment. She asked stbx and BIL to buy a house with her, even though he and I were engaged. BIL did, and lived with her until age 37.

I now see what she was doing with the extreme taking care of them. She was asserting herself as the primary woman in his life and I was a nobody. No one else could do what she did for him, she diminished my contributions. When you said your wife spent an entire visit cleaning instead of hanging out with everyone, to me that looks like a clear and direct message to the girlfriend stating "You don't clean well. You don't take care of the home like I can. I'm going to take over and do it since you're not good enough."

In your situation with your son being an only child I imagine it's creating immense pressure for him. He loves his mom and doesn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her to back off. Eventually stbx felt like he was betraying her by being with me and never fully bonded with me. Your wife is treating your son's gf as someone who could just disappear at any moment, while she (the mother) is the permanent fixture.

I hope your situation isn't as bad as mine was. But if any of it rings true, please try to nip this in the bud before the pain that's to come. For me there's a bright silver lining and gift that came after stbx and I split up, but not without a lot of pain and hell going through first.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Don't be surprised when he's 30 and STILL living in his boyhood room sleeping on his Batman sheets. Pfffft.


OMG so funny.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

There's some good stuff in this thread....... my stepmother coddled her son and treated me "pretty poorly"...

He had a wife who cursed him regularly, the home was in ruins and she NEVER cooked him a meal although she was a "stay at home wife" while he worked at a power company. She "went to school" and started dressing differently, staying out odd hours after school, and was always dressed for school like she was going out. She practically stepped over his grave into the arms of his closest friend.

I loved my step brother. He was a good guy. But his mother coddled him and he let his wife abuse him emotionally and verbally, and she was nothing but a scourge to him. He died of a heart attack a few years ago before he was even 55 years old. I have no doubt that the stress of living with his wife brought him to an early grave.

This thing your wife is doing---- you have every right to dislike it, and she is not helping her son by doing it. Just the opposite.

Sad thing is, I have no clue how you can change her behavior. It sounds like you may have a stronger willed person you're married to and just are going to have to accept it.
Sorry


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ricky2424 said:


> Nope, no matter what i say. .she always keep doing what she wants.. So my opinion doesnt matter to her. And i am sure my son wont tell her to stop because he is so dependent on her..


Get this book and read it. Things MIGHT change.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

My wife bought/gave our children a ton of things when they moved out. Bought them a ton of groceries as well to get them started. They had the money to do it themselves. 

It annoyed me to a point, but I realized she was trying to help. 

She will now buy the odd thing at Costco and then share part of it with the kids (we pay). If they come over for supper she will cook extra so they can take lunch for leftovers the next day. Again, a bit annoying, but not a big deal.

The kids for the most part buy their own groceries and have learned to budget. If my wife was buying them groceries all the time, I would have an issue with it.

Not sure how you can get your wife to respect your point of view. Sometimes, I feel the only option we have (when being disrespected), is to leave.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> Not sure how you can get your wife to respect your point of view. Sometimes, I feel the only option we have (when being disrespected), is to leave.


Does your wife have her own job? Maybe set it up so that any money she spends comes from HER money, not yours. Maybe if the money wasn't so readily available she would stop.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

SadSamIAm said:


> My wife bought/gave our children a ton of things when they moved out. Bought them a ton of groceries as well to get them started. They had the money to do it themselves.
> 
> It annoyed me to a point, but I realized she was trying to help.
> 
> ...





turnera said:


> Does your wife have her own job? Maybe set it up so that any money she spends comes from HER money, not yours. Maybe if the money wasn't so readily available she would stop.


I agree with Turnera- if she earns the money, pays her share of the bills and then wants to "gift" the offspring a little, I don't see anything wrong with that. 
It really is not like she's supporting two lazy, grown adults....just giving them something "extra" to show love.

I do the same thing for my older, grown daughter from time to time when I can....and I'm a single parent with two younger daughters. No need for me to "ask permission" to give my child small things on occasion.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

The only one who can stop her is the son. As long as he doesn't have a problem with it, it will continue. It could cause relationship issues in the future. If so, he might put a stop to it at that point. Or not. Mammas boys aren't all that attractive to most women.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Actually, my MIL does this once in a while. She would buy shrimp, the small salad ones for us. My H likes the small shrimp and we don't usually get it at our grocery. So, if she goes out and finds it she would buy it for us. She also buys us veggies and I have to sometimes give it away because I had already gotten grocery for the week. I know this is how she shows love to her son, so I don't say anything.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

turnera said:


> Does your wife have her own job? Maybe set it up so that any money she spends comes from HER money, not yours. Maybe if the money wasn't so readily available she would stop.


My wife does work. In another thread you talked about all the things someone that stays at home has to do. She does all those things and more.

For me, this isn't about the money. It is about teaching our kids (that are now adults) responsibility. It is about having them learn what things cost and looking after themselves.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I come from a family that shares food as a love language. Also we are a bunch of gardeners. I'm a bit of a throw back, I don't garden for food. Sometimes for flowers. You just don't visit without getting fresh produce. My Father willed me a small orchard. 

Ok that's the background. Now for the similar to this thread experience. I have a younger brother (chickens, dogs, recycling) who was at one point in his life heading towards a lawless lifestyle. My Dad's plan was to let him hit bottom, so he would get out of the drug cloud and get back on track. Not to argue the effectiveness of this kind of "tough love" the off shoot was that I was asked not to give him food. This goes right against my upbringing and personal moral stance. I will feed the hungry. I got in some trouble for inviting him to eat at my place. 

So here is what I find troubling in this post. Mom who has spent 23 years caring for this kid, is as entrenched in her ways as I was. It is no trouble for her to grocery shop for him. Takes little time and costs about the same as when he was home. it is her love language. So is the cleaning. Even though this is having negative effects for your son and his relationships. I believe she should stop or at least scale way back. But, it is as natural to her as breathing. It will not be an easy change to effect.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> My wife does work. In another thread you talked about all the things someone that stays at home has to do. She does all those things and more.
> 
> For me, this isn't about the money. It is about teaching our kids (that are now adults) responsibility. It is about having them learn what things cost and looking after themselves.


The final step every child goes through it to separate from their parents. It looks different for each kid. Each kid does it at a different time, in a different way. But most kids ultimately do it on their own.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> My wife does work. In another thread you talked about all the things someone that stays at home has to do. She does all those things and more.
> 
> For me, this isn't about the money. It is about teaching our kids (that are now adults) responsibility. It is about having them learn what things cost and looking after themselves.


But they ARE responsible, aren't they? They're both working, paying their bills, right? My DD is 28 and I still give her stuff from time to time because I know they aren't getting paid enough to live like we did 40 years ago. When she started college 9 years ago, her field payed $60k/year. She's got a Masters and experience, and she's only earning $40k. That's not HER fault and she's got more money saved than I do and she and her H are buying a house next month. And I'll continue to gift them things because it makes me happy and it helps them out in a tiny way, makes their lives a little bit better.

Now, if your son was coming to you guys for a handout or keeps getting fired or is maxed out on credit cards, then I take it back. He needs to learn how to be more responsible. Or if your wife is being obsessive about it and forsaking the marriage so as to take care of her son, I'd put my foot down. But neither of those is the case, is it?

btw, my mom would come visit me when I was 40 or 45 and my biggest thrill was bringing me something she'd bought for me or taking me to buy a shirt or something.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

turnera said:


> But they ARE responsible, aren't they? They're both working, paying their bills, right? My DD is 28 and I still give her stuff from time to time because I know they aren't getting paid enough to live like we did 40 years ago. When she started college 9 years ago, her field payed $60k/year. She's got a Masters and experience, and she's only earning $40k. That's not HER fault and she's got more money saved than I do and she and her H are buying a house next month. And I'll continue to gift them things because it makes me happy and it helps them out in a tiny way, makes their lives a little bit better.
> 
> Now, if your son was coming to you guys for a handout or keeps getting fired or is maxed out on credit cards, then I take it back. He needs to learn how to be more responsible. Or if your wife is being obsessive about it and forsaking the marriage so as to take care of her son, I'd put my foot down. But neither of those is the case, is it?
> 
> btw, my mom would come visit me when I was 40 or 45 and my biggest thrill was bringing me something she'd bought for me or taking me to buy a shirt or something.


And, you're $500,000 in debt. Think about it.


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## Ricky2424 (Jul 23, 2012)

sh987 said:


> I used to work with a guy years ago, and it was much the same thing. His mother did his grocery shopping for him, and made sure all of his bills were paid on time, and just ran his life in general. He had his act together about as much as you would think, and any woman who went out with him hit the eject button pretty quickly. It was the exact same story for his older brother, too, and both of them were basically grown-up teenagers. His sister, though? Every little thing the mother would do for the boys, she wouldn't do for her daughter. The boys got the carrot, she got the stick. Every time.
> 
> Woe betide that man when his mother dies, because he will be thrown into the deep end of the pool as far as being an adult goes, and won't be able to dog paddle let alone swim.


 Very good way of putting it ! I am sure my son would drown because of his mother. She didnt prepare him for life outside the nest. And she wouldnt let me prepared him because she would call me lazy anytime I try get him do something around the house or yard. And call me names when I try stop her from buying him groceries..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> And, you're $500,000 in debt. Think about it.


Which is probably why DD is so incredibly smart about money - watching us screw up.


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## Ricky2424 (Jul 23, 2012)

azimuth said:


> Hi Ricky. I wanted to offer my experience because I was the girlfriend in your scenario many moons ago. For me, my marriage is over and I'm in a new better chapter, so this is to hopefully help your son and your family from this perspective. I think you need to have a long talk with your son and your wife (separately) because her behavior has the potential to sabotage your son's life.
> 
> When I was dating stbxh, he lived with his brother in an apartment, and his mom and stepdad lived a 4-hour drive away. Every other weekend she would drive up and buy all groceries for them, do their laundry, take them to dinner, give them an allowance, clean their apartment and cook for them. They'd do fun things like go to bars and concerts together as well. The "boys" had never bought toilet paper in their life, never did a load of laundry, exMIL did it all for them, into their late 20s.
> 
> ...


Holy smoke !! His mother sound just like my wife ! And your ex boyfriend sound just like my son .. I am hoping I can get my wife to stop doing what she been doing so he can be a man without her babying him so much.  Thanks for sharing your story.


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## Ricky2424 (Jul 23, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> There's some good stuff in this thread....... my stepmother coddled her son and treated me "pretty poorly"...
> 
> He had a wife who cursed him regularly, the home was in ruins and she NEVER cooked him a meal although she was a "stay at home wife" while he worked at a power company. She "went to school" and started dressing differently, staying out odd hours after school, and was always dressed for school like she was going out. She practically stepped over his grave into the arms of his closest friend.
> 
> ...


 Omg.. Hope I dont have a heart attack living with my wife !. I dont want to go to my grave early..  I am hoping when I show my wife all the replies from you guys. She would realize what she been doing wasnt helping him but only making things worst for him.


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## Ricky2424 (Jul 23, 2012)

turnera said:


> Get this book and read it. Things MIGHT change.


Thanks.. I need that book !


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## Ricky2424 (Jul 23, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> My wife bought/gave our children a ton of things when they moved out. Bought them a ton of groceries as well to get them started. They had the money to do it themselves.
> 
> It annoyed me to a point, but I realized she was trying to help.
> 
> ...


 Your wife only bought your son groceries. My wife wouldnt let our son do anything around the house or yard. Anytime I try to get him to do something. She would just saying I was lazy. I tried explaining to her its our job to teach our child self how to prepare for life outside the nest. My son never did laundry in his life.. Never wash dishes.. Never mowed the lawn... Never took out the garbage.. Never vacuum the floors... And I beg my wife to let him get his own self up for high school by using a alarm clock. She would always go to his room and tell him its time to get up and ready. So after he finish high school.. He finally bought a alarm clock but that doesnt wake up him. He so use to his mother waking him up since she been doing that all his life... I am sure his girlfriend has to wake him up to get up for work since they living together now.


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## Ricky2424 (Jul 23, 2012)

turnera said:


> Does your wife have her own job? Maybe set it up so that any money she spends comes from HER money, not yours. Maybe if the money wasn't so readily available she would stop.


 No thanks to that ideal. That would open up a new can of worms lol..


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## Ricky2424 (Jul 23, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> The only one who can stop her is the son. As long as he doesn't have a problem with it, it will continue. It could cause relationship issues in the future. If so, he might put a stop to it at that point. Or not. Mammas boys aren't all that attractive to most women.


 I am afraid he already spoiled and not going to tell his mother to stop.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Look. You can't change your wife. You can try setting a boundary but you can't make her do what you want. You can try giving her a REASON to stop doing it - like every week she doesn't go over there, you'll put $50 in a savings account for him. But she's getting something out of it and you saying no just isn't an option.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ricky2424 said:


> Your wife only bought your son groceries. My wife wouldnt let our son do anything around the house or yard. Anytime I try to get him to do something. She would just saying I was lazy. I tried explaining to her its our job to teach our child self how to prepare for life outside the nest. My son never did laundry in his life.. Never wash dishes.. Never mowed the lawn... Never took out the garbage.. Never vacuum the floors... And I beg my wife to let him get his own self up for high school by using a alarm clock. She would always go to his room and tell him its time to get up and ready. So after he finish high school.. He finally bought a alarm clock but that doesnt wake up him. He so use to his mother waking him up since she been doing that all his life... I am sure his girlfriend has to wake him up to get up for work since they living together now.


And he will eventually learn all that stuff you wanted to teach him. On his own. Either cos it makes sense or cos he loses a job or whatever. But it's up to him to learn it now.


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

Ricky2424 said:


> Holy smoke !! His mother sound just like my wife ! And your ex boyfriend sound just like my son .. I am hoping I can get my wife to stop doing what she been doing so he can be a man without her babying him so much.  Thanks for sharing your story.



I actually married him. :slap: Am I an idiot or what?? Thankfully almost divorced now. Her behavior got way worse after we were married and had a child. She tried to take over and be our baby's mom and push me aside. The other stuff I could deal with but when she started doing that it kind of shook me to the core and it affected me in certain weird ways to this day.

I hope you can go to counseling together or something to help resolve this situation. Hopefully she can put her focus back to you as her husband and partner and you can enjoy your future grandchildren from the vantage of partners instead of her being enmeshed with him. Good luck with your situation.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Ricky2424 said:


> I am afraid he already spoiled and not going to tell his mother to stop.


When he loses a GF he really likes because of his mom, he may put an end to it. If not, he will be a mama's boy all his life and very likely to never grow up or get married. 

I don't know which is more sad. That a mom would do this to her son, or a son who has no desire to get off his mom's tit and grow the hell up.


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## SGr (Mar 19, 2015)

Seriously unhealthy attachment on her part and very opportunistic on his. 

Sent from my BLA-A09 using Tapatalk


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

TRy said:


> Your wife is doing this in order to stay in her son’s life, and in order to become a part of the girlfriend’s life in case they have children. It is a strategy that makes perfect sense. If you can afford it, not only should you be OK with it, but you should encourage it so as to remain close with your son. Trust me when I say that once you get older, you will be glad that you did. There are so many lonely older people that hardly ever see their children or grandchildren, do not become one of them.
> 
> BTW, you married a good person, you should appreciate her more.


Are you insane?


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## Ricky2424 (Jul 23, 2012)

turnera said:


> Look. You can't change your wife. You can try setting a boundary but you can't make her do what you want. You can try giving her a REASON to stop doing it - like every week she doesn't go over there, you'll put $50 in a savings account for him. But she's getting something out of it and you saying no just isn't an option.


 nope.. Same thing as spoiling him


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## Ricky2424 (Jul 23, 2012)

Betrayedone said:


> Are you insane?


 I was thinking that same thing when he or she gave that advice.. lol.. That's why I didnt reply back to that person.


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## Ricky2424 (Jul 23, 2012)

Betrayedone said:


> Are you insane?





azimuth said:


> I actually married him. :slap: Am I an idiot or what?? Thankfully almost divorced now. Her behavior got way worse after we were married and had a child. She tried to take over and be our baby's mom and push me aside. The other stuff I could deal with but when she started doing that it kind of shook me to the core and it affected me in certain weird ways to this day.
> 
> I hope you can go to counseling together or something to help resolve this situation. Hopefully she can put her focus back to you as her husband and partner and you can enjoy your future grandchildren from the vantage of partners instead of her being enmeshed with him. Good luck with your situation.


 Well you must been blinded by love. That's why you married him anyway knowing all his faults. Sound like you had a mother in law from hell. I dont know how my wife turn out once they have kids.


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## Ricky2424 (Jul 23, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> When he loses a GF he really likes because of his mom, he may put an end to it. If not, he will be a mama's boy all his life and very likely to never grow up or get married.
> 
> I don't know which is more sad. That a mom would do this to her son, or a son who has no desire to get off his mom's tit and grow the hell up.


 He already lost a girlfriend because of that. Knowing my wife, i am sure she was very happy they broke up because then would move back home to live with us. I am sure she hoping he would end it with his current girlfriend so he would move back home again.. She did that to our son because she lack common sense even when I told her for many years that was wrong. She thought she was being a good mother doing everything for him. I told her that isnt a good mother because you going to damage him.


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## Ricky2424 (Jul 23, 2012)

SGr said:


> Seriously unhealthy attachment on her part and very opportunistic on his.
> 
> Sent from my BLA-A09 using Tapatalk


 I agree with you 100% !


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## Ricky2424 (Jul 23, 2012)

TRy said:


> Your wife is doing this in order to stay in her son’s life, and in order to become a part of the girlfriend’s life in case they have children. It is a strategy that makes perfect sense. If you can afford it, not only should you be OK with it, but you should encourage it so as to remain close with your son. Trust me when I say that once you get older, you will be glad that you did. There are so many lonely older people that hardly ever see their children or grandchildren, do not become one of them.
> 
> BTW, you married a good person, you should appreciate her more.


 Don't take it personality but you shouldn't be giving advice on a marriage site. :surprise:


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Ricky, does your wife know how you seem to feel about her based on your posts in this thread? Maybe she's trying to stay close to her son cause she needs at least one man in her life who actually likes her.


I think she needs to stop buying him stuff, and I think he needs to stop taking advantage of it. But good grief! You don't seem like a very nice person.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ask her why she doesn't want grandchildren. No woman wants to have a baby with a baby. Maybe she'll examine her behavior.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> Ricky, does your wife know how you seem to feel about her based on your posts in this thread? Maybe she's trying to stay close to her son cause she needs at least one man in her life who actually likes her.
> 
> 
> I think she needs to stop buying him stuff, and I think he needs to stop taking advantage of it. But good grief! You don't seem like a very nice person.


.


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

Ricky2424 said:


> He already lost a girlfriend because of that. Knowing my wife, i am sure she was very happy they broke up because then would move back home to live with us. I am sure she hoping he would end it with his current girlfriend so he would move back home again.. She did that to our son because she lack common sense even when I told her for many years that was wrong. She thought she was being a good mother doing everything for him. I told her that isnt a good mother because you going to damage him.


This is really troublesome that she would feel that way about him breaking up with his gf. Kind of like she's jealous that he's in love with another woman? She's investing so much into him it's almost like she's setting him up as a husband figure for her. It's not good for anyone - her, your son and you.


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> Ricky, does your wife know how you seem to feel about her based on your posts in this thread? Maybe she's trying to stay close to her son cause she needs at least one man in her life who actually likes her.
> 
> 
> I think she needs to stop buying him stuff, and I think he needs to stop taking advantage of it. But good grief! You don't seem like a very nice person.



Everyone has some problems or issues they need to work out in their marriage, both sides. The way to fix is communication, counseling, compromise, etc. between the two of them. Turning an adult son into a safe second husband is not the way to fix problems in the marriage, imo. I'm a mom and I definitely go overboard sometimes in babying and taking care of my daughter, but what this wife is doing is damaging, imo. I've seen it play out first hand and it doesn't end well.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

azimuth said:


> Everyone has some problems or issues they need to work out in their marriage, both sides. The way to fix is communication, counseling, compromise, etc. between the two of them. Turning an adult son into a safe second husband is not the way to fix problems in the marriage, imo. I'm a mom and I definitely go overboard sometimes in babying and taking care of my daughter, but what this wife is doing is damaging, imo. I've seen it play out first hand and it doesn't end well.


In no way do I think it's an acceptable answer (I'm not sure if something I said indicated that i did). I'm just saying, grocery issue aside, this man doesn't even seem to LIKE his wife.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Sounds like wife has put son above husband throughout marriage. Furthermore she calls husband lazy or worse when he tries to teach son to be manly. It is hard to be a good dad and loving husband when you are shot down regularly.

Underlying issues here abound as y'all are starting to suggest.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Ricky you seem like a nice enough fella to me. However, if this is a big enough concern for you to bring it up here, why can't you at least put some limits on your wife's behavior? I view marriage as a partnership and understand totally that you cannot "control" your partner's behavior but you SHOULD have some say when it comes to your son, too. Is he your natural son or a stepson? Do you work? Does she? Is one or both of you in charge of paying bills?
I'm wondering how she gets to enable your son so easily when you obviously see it as damaging? 
What exactly is the situation between you, your wife and your son?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Its obvious your wife isn't going to change what she is doing, so I think a discussion with your son and gf is in order. Only your son can put an end to this. He needs to understand that since he moved in with his gf, he took on the responsibility of his own life. Let him know that you would be there for him in case of an emergency or something, but he needs to talk with mom and let her know she needs to back off. 

Your son sounds like he is doing pretty good, decent full time job etc. Do you have confidence in his being able to provide for and take care of himself?


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