# Should I expect actions for making up



## beachgirl (Jul 28, 2012)

It's been 9 months since D day. I've been going thru the usual ups and downs. My husband I should say has always been my best friend. I'm not a very emotional person, and don't fight often. My husband is also the same, but also a very "If I for get about it, it will go away kind of guy." I've been asking for him to do something for me to make up for the hurt. In my words I need a "grand jesture". I cried, wrote a letter to him explaining my thoughts, and I got the usual. I promise I'll do something, and of course that never happens. So today I again asked him and I the answer I got was. "well I got you flowers last week for graduation, doesn't that count?". I got hurt and gave him an ultimatem. You have two weeks to do something showing you're sorry, I put it on the calender, wrote a note on his phone, and told him if he forgets about me again, I will stay with a friend till he does something. The question I have is, Was that wrong. He is very affectionate, cuddles, calls me and we have a better than most relationship. Should I just be happy or do I have a right to want an action reconciliation. Should note we've been married 12 years, together 17 with no kids.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

What has he done that you feel he needs to atone for?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Many folks who can help here for sure. 

Just forgetting about it is rug sweeping. That does not work. 

The WS has to do the heavy lifting.


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## beachgirl (Jul 28, 2012)

Had one time sexual affair with a client. I found the email, texts and calls 9 months ago. Just don't think sorry should be enough.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Can you give an example of a "grand jesture"?


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Sorry is never enough, but grand gestures don't mean much more than that.

The remorse is either within him or not. Your fear is that he doesn't feel it sufficiently. 

No deliberate actions will tell you what you want to know. It's in every small thing he does.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

What exactly is it that you want him to do?

Were you specific?

Because if I was in your H's shoes, I probably wouldn't have a clue how to satisfy your demand and would be very anxious not being able to figure out what would make you happy.

What do you think this one gesture is going to accomplish? Are you really going to forget about the affair just because he does one thing for you? Or are you hoping against hope that you are going to be able to replace the bad memories with this one good memory he's supposed to provide you with? (In my experience this has never worked.) 

If he's never been a gestures kind of guy, I wouldn't expect him to get it.

Personally, I think looking at his every day actions since d-day is more meaningful about his intentions than to wait for one big moment that is supposed to erase all the hurt of the past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beachgirl (Jul 28, 2012)

weekend away, planning a date for the entire day, delivering flowers to work. My idea is anything that requires more than 2 minutes of thought. Same amount of effort someone would put into a special xmas present. Not just flowers still in the bag on the counter.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

beachgirl said:


> weekend away, planning a date for the entire day, delivering flowers to work. My idea is anything that requires more than 2 minutes of thought. Same amount of effort someone would put into a special xmas present. Not just flowers still in the bag on the counter.


Are these things he would have done before d-day?

If he's never been 'that kinda guy', I'm not sure why you think he would begin now. 

If he's habitually done things like that in the past and is not now, I'd say it is a red flag concerning his commitment.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

If you told me you wanted a grand jesture, that's probably what I would have thought of, too.

I recommend giving him those examples.

The "grand jesture" you seek, if you get it, only will be a temporary fix for you, it will wear off quickly and you will be left right where you are now.

A better goal to strive for in my opinion is for you to make each other feel special every day, for him to show his appreciation to you for not divorcing him every day.


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## beachgirl (Jul 28, 2012)

I guess I was always taught that if do something wrong you are supposed to do another action to help fix it. Not expecting all the feelings to obviously go away. That's completely unrealistic, just looking for a little compassion from the other party. Apparantly I should be happy with I'm sorry and move on.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

And, FWIW, I'm not a believer in 'grand gestures' per se.

** If the gesture involves money, I don't see as much value in it. (Not saying it's worthless, just not much more meaningful than nice words.)

** If the gesture involves openness, confession, humility, remorse -- real & difficult human emotion -- it's golden. (But the following actions needs to support the words of the 'gesture')

{My husband & I refer to the latter as a 'Melvin moment' from the movie 'As Good as it Gets' - highly recommend}


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Are you sure he has ended the affair? Did he tell you all the details and answer all of your questions? Did he tell you why he did it? What has changed since then that makes you think he would not have another affair? Why did you choose to reconcile rather than divorce?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You should not be happy with "I'm sorry" and move on. You should expect him to work at helping you to heal from the affair, and to do whatever it is that you need from him. If you want a grand jesture, that's fine. You may have to spell it out for him, though. We are not all brought up with the same expectations of what should be done in such a situation.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*just looking for a little compassion from the other party.*

Nine months out and you still are looking for a little compassion from him?


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## beachgirl (Jul 28, 2012)

I"m 99percent sure. He is very open with letting me see his phone, emails. I've done searches to see if there was anything else out there. Nothing has changed on his side. Meaning still acts the same, not sweeter, or humble. I am more needy obviously, but from these responses I should not expect any changes from him to help me thru this. So I'll cancel the ultimatem and continue to heal by empowering myself and not wait for something from him.


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## beachgirl (Jul 28, 2012)

Oh trust me I'm not one of the women who stay quite while internally boiling. I very calmly say why I'm upset, what I would like to change in future to not have that fight again, and move on. I always spell it out, give details, and ideas.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Will_Kane said:


> *just looking for a little compassion from the other party.*
> 
> Nine months out and you still are looking for a little compassion from him?


Excellent question. Do you feel like you've received little compassion over the last 9 months?

If not, why are you considering reconciliation?

I'd be running for the hills.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

beachgirl said:


> Meaning still acts the same, not sweeter, or humble.


Does he allow for your additional need for reassurance? Is he willing to give extra reassurance until the wounds of the affair heal? Is he supportive with your healing process? Have you been able to curb your anger? Have you forgiven him?

20 questions, I know. Don't mean to overwhelm, but they are all factors in your unique situation. We can't give you the answers here, but we can certainly help you think through it...


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

beachgirl said:


> I"m 99percent sure. He is very open with letting me see his phone, emails. I've done searches to see if there was anything else out there. Nothing has changed on his side. Meaning still acts the same, not sweeter, or humble. I am more needy obviously, but from these responses I should not expect any changes from him to help me thru this. So I'll cancel the ultimatem and continue to heal by empowering myself and not wait for something from him.


What would be his reaction if you told him you want a divorce? Could it be that he feels so comfortable that you will never divorce him, no matter what, that he feels comfortable knowingly not meeting your needs?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

beachgirl said:


> I'll cancel the ultimatem.


Once an ultimatum is given, it cannot be "canceled." Once it is given, either he meets it or not. Either he backs down or you do. When you cancel it, you are telling him, I told you to "do this" or else, but I know you're not going to do it, and I'm not ready to follow through with the "or else." You are giving him the message that you are not willing to follow through on your actions, that all your threats are empty.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Will_Kane said:


> Once an ultimatum is given, it cannot be "canceled." Once it is given, either he meets it or not. Either he backs down or you do. When you cancel it, you are telling him, I told you to "do this" or else, but I know you're not going to do it, and I'm not ready to follow through with the "or else." You are giving him the message that you are not willing to follow through on your actions, that all your threats are empty.


I heartily disagree. (No offense...)

"Consistency is the hobgoblin of a foolish mind".

When a change in heart, frame of reference, new understanding occurs, it is our duty to change our actions to reflect this - if the relationship is important.

Your ultimatum was hasty and made without a good understanding. It was made while emotional. I'd suggest to take charge of your emotions and all the messages you're sending, and begin with something new, something more forgiving & loving.

IMHO...


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

I'm not even sure the words 'threats' or 'ultimatums' should be in your vocabulary right now.

It depends on what you want.

Is your goal reconciliation? Or divorce?

If reconciliation is your goal, remove those words along with punishment & anger. Your focus needs to be understanding, connection, openness, oneness and loving behavior.

If your goal is divorce, continue with ultimatums and threats.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, not sure about the whole grand gesture idea. I get that you want something special... I guess to feel special??

However, for me, it would have been the day to day actions that counted most. Not a one time big deal.

FWIW, I got neither. 

Good Luck
WD


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