# Backwards problems in bed. I want it, he doesn't.



## LeiaLove (Jul 31, 2011)

Hey guys, 

So I know that as soon as you hear this problem you are thinking one of the following things: he's gay, he's looking at porn, or he's cheating on me. None of the following are true. I promise. I know most people don't believe me when I say he doesn't look at porn or masturbate but he does not, hardly ever if at all. 

So, here's the problem. I love sex, I would like to have sex every other day or more. He hardly ever WANTS it. If he knows I want it he will do it to make me happy, but he doesn't desire me in the way I'd like him to. He's a great husband. He kisses me, cuddles with me, loves me to the ends of the earth (now, we had problems before) Literally the only problem we have is sex. We have only been together about 2 years and it has been like this the majority of the time, if not all. He would be fine going weeks or months without it if he didn't feel bad about it. He says he "wants to want it more" but he just doesn't. 

I guess what advice I want is what I can do on my end to ensure it's not me that's the problem. I want to be able to say I did everything I could to fix it before we look into medical solutions or give up completely. I used to try to do things to turn him on (dress up, act like I was in control, oral sex, even masturbating) but none of it worked. He doesn't like things other guys like so most of the online sites like cosmopolitan don't work. I will have to be very creative to give this my all.... and I'm not very creative. Nor am I very confident, but I am willing to give it my all even if I get shot down. 

Help??


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old are you two? Has he had a physical (including testosterone) to rule out any physical issues?

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And are you married? Kids?

C


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

How do you know he doesn't masturbate? Do you take showers with him daily?

How much sleep does he get at night?

Does he have any stressful things going on in his life? And how is your relationship--do the two of you fight? Does he resent you for anything (other than asking for sex)?

T levels are highest in the morning--so it is an easy habit for a guy to masturbate in the shower. Then at night, when T levels are at their lowest, he may not feel the same level of urgency because he already got off once before that day. (This shouldn't affect a younger man, but it might affect an older one, because T levels do fall off with age, esp if he isn't taking proper care of his health.)


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## LeiaLove (Jul 31, 2011)

I am 22, he is 23. No kids. He has not been tested for testosterone issues. 

I don't take showers with him often but he is brutally honest with pretty much everything. I just trust that he doesn't. It doesn't bother me if he did once in a while anyways so it's not like he would have a reason to lie about it since I wouldn't get mad. He gets about 9 hours of sleep every night. He is not very active (at all), but I can't get him to work out or anything. 

Our relationship is good. It used to be bad. Really bad. I left once but came back shortly after. He used to think he didn't love me and would be happier without me but since I came back, it's been mostly smooth sailing. We hardly ever fight. He could resent me for some things but I'm pretty sure he doesn't. Like I said, he is brutally honest about things so I feel like he'd tell me if he really resented me... but maybe not.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You didn't answer the question of whether you're married or not. And how is his health in general? Activity level?

At 23, I would expect a normal appetite of once a week to once a day or more, especially with a willing partner. So I'd guess that something is "wrong". I'd start with the physical. 

The bad part... His drive will likely be on a decline from here on...

C


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## LeiaLove (Jul 31, 2011)

Oh sorry. Yes we are. We've been married two years. Health good, but activity level extremely low. He's not overweight or sickly or anything but he rarely works out and most just plays video games. 

So no advice for my end though? I mean, I think you are probably right but I feel like I haven't tried everything on my end to turn him on or make him want sex.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

Any signs of depression? Often in men it can look like boredom or disinterest. But sitting around playing video games can definitely point to some dissatisfaction with life. Not always, but tied with the lack of interest in being active and sex would make me wonder. 

I'm thinking it's something on his end. Either physical/emotional or he just has a low low drive. You shouldn't have to feel like turning your husband on is "work". If what you tried as listed didn't do the job, sounds like you guys need some help. It's not a big deal to go to the doctor and at least get some bloodwork done. Nothing crazy. I'd suggest starting there.

Have you talked to him about what does turn him on? Are there things he can identify as turning him on? Maybe start there.

Do you think he'd be fine with no sex ever if you didn't want it? My husband is actually asexual (long story) but it's pretty rare. However, there are people out there who just aren't interested in sex. Maybe talk a little more with him about his actual drive. It can be scary, especially for a guy, to admit that they aren't that interested in sex for whatever reason, especially if he knows you're very into it and trying hard. If he is asexual/really LD, then it becomes a matter of him being willing to have it with you as an act of love, not because he really wants it. I compare it to something like a foot massage or cooking dinner. Usually it's not the act itself that you want to do, but you do it to make your spouse happy.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

LeiaLove said:


> Oh sorry. Yes we are. We've been married two years. Health good, but activity level extremely low. He's not overweight or sickly or anything but he rarely works out and most just plays video games.
> 
> So no advice for my end though? I mean, I think you are probably right but I feel like I haven't tried everything on my end to turn him on or make him want sex.


Well, it's been a long time since I was a 23 year old guy. But the fact that you're willing, breathing, and in the same time zone would over-qualify you as a daily sexual partner. Heck, pick one of the three and you would have had my attention!

You don't give any comments that he isn't attracted to you; it just sounds like he has no sex drive. Not just for you (a possibility, including him being gay or you gaining weight), but in general. This could be physical (low testosterone), or mental (depression, stress, etc). 

Unbalanced sex drives are the single most common posts in this area, I'd wager. Solving that problem, unfortunately, is very difficult.

If your sex life has been unsatisfactory right from the start, why did you marry? What caused the split, and what brought you back? Have those issues been resolved? How?

C


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Instead of trying to solve this first and look into health issues only after you fail at fixing it, you should look into health issues first. Why? Because if it's lo testosterone nothing you do will fix it. Instead it will frustrate both of you to no end.

Elminate the medical first.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Instead of trying to solve this first and look into health issues only after you fail at fixing it, you should look into health issues first. Why? Because if it's lo testosterone nothing you do will fix it. Instead it will frustrate both of you to no end.
> 
> Elminate the medical first.


What EleGirl means is that if low T is the problem, he would need medical treatment to have it improved, and sexy outfits wouldn't make a difference.


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## LeiaLove (Jul 31, 2011)

heartsdesire: I know he gets bored sometimes. Not just normal bored, "my-life is going nowhere and it's meaningless" bored. So yeah, I guess it could be depression but there's no way he'd admit it. Also, I have talked with him about what turns him on. He doesn't have specifics, just ideas. Like, he likes two personalities. One - innocent and oblivious - "I want sex but I'm acting like I don't but I know I'm hot" kind of attitude. Two - super hot, take control, throw you down kind of attitude like you see in the movies. He says he thinks I can do them both but I don't sell it well (my words not his). Basically, he knows who I am, he knows I'm not that person and it's just an act (which of course it is because who just randomly acts like they want to have sex all the time), so it's not hot. I don't know that he'd be fine with no sex ever, but I did suggest that we just let it flow naturally. When he wants it, we do it. When he doesn't, we don't. I don't push it or try anything, we just let it come naturally. But he said he didn't want to do that because he "wants to want it more". I would like that too but not at the expense of the health of our relationship. 

pbear: Yeah, it's not that he's not attracted to me... although, I sometimes think he's bored with me. (he gets bored pretty easily with many things it seems). But I haven't gained weight and honestly I'm pretty attractive. Not perfect, but pretty attractive. Well, we didn't have sex before we were married (Bible standards) so there was no way to know. But we were both VERY attracted to each other and I knew he wanted me then. He wanted me for about a month, maybe more after we were married so it wasn't always like this. There was definitely chemistry to begin with (and I know the difference). The split was caused by him thinking he didn't love me, me giving up that anything would change even though we were going to counseling, and then me ultimately not wanting to try at all. He just didn't seem to care whether I was there or not, whether we spent time together or not, whether I was mad, happy, or sad. We were roommates. So after a fight about me wanting to hang out with him and go on a date of sorts (and he didn't want to), I left. I went to California and spent the weekend with my brother and his family. Then I talked to him again when I got there. He apologized over and over and told me what he would do to fix it. I believed him, forgave him, and came back. He has been great ever since (minus a couple mishaps here and there). He really has changed and he really seems to love me and care about me now. We went to a couple counseling sessions but didn't think we needed it anymore so we stopped going. Anyways, now everything's great but sex. 

EleGirl and iheartlife: I guess you're probably right... but I have mentioned that I think he should see someone before and he seems very against that option. He thinks we should try everything before we do that.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Even I can't get bored of a good tease. You mentioned that he also thinks of your attemps as an act. Well, when my wife and I first got intimate she had the same problem, all her teases and attempts; it was all an act. Generic lingerie, dirty talk surely directly copied from porn, non-creative ideas, etc etc; all turn offs for someone as hard to please as myself.

The truth was that I actually found her more sexy when she DIDN'T try to seduce me. Over time however as she gained more confidence and learnt my buttons it became better. And more SPECIFIC to my tastes; Teasing should not be sudden and it should not be obvious, it should be natural to intice him in. For example, don't just wear a sexy outfit and expect him to believe you're not trying to seduce him, try dressing casually instead - and it can be sexy, for example, the missus claims it's much more comfortable for her wearing nothing but a long T-shirt, which is probably true but she knows full-well that whenever she does wear that, it turns me on like crazy.

It doesn't have to be the same outfit either, nor do you have to plan it. Invest in your wardrobe, and make sure you have an excuse to dress well too when you do. Don't just wear makeup/nice dress on a routine night. My wife goes out all the time with our little one and she's always well-dressed. It reached the point where I can't say that 'it's an act' with her.

I know this may mean changes in your lifestyle, but see what you can adopt.


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## RoverRunder (Jul 31, 2012)

Does he have any insecurity issues? Is he a take charge kinda guy, or do you unwillingly wear the pants? Are there any other issues in your marriage? Are you two connected emotionally?

In my experience in my own marriage, lack of sex was a result of other problems.

I would suggest just doing something together, go out to eat, go play mini golf, enjoy each others company outside the house. Reconnect.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Wow, it really seems like a lot of the LD men described here on TAM are really into gaming, it is a common thread in a lot of these discussions.

He should go to the doctor to rule out a medical issue. Then the both of you should go into marriage counseling/sex therapy, and see if that provides a solution.

If he is like this at 23, I doubt it will get any better without intervention, and some big changes on his side of the relationship.


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## LeiaLove (Jul 31, 2011)

RandomDude, Thanks for the advice. That's the direction I try to go anyways. Wearing push-up bras and skimpy little tops but it doesn't seem to even make him take a second glance. I will work more on this area though. I think that's the only way to tempt him at all so far. 

RoverRunder, He wears the pants. Completely. He has the control in almost every way. He does not abuse that control. Like I said before. He is very loving and every other part of our relationship is great. We don't have a whole lot to do together as we have very different interests, but we have been working hard at doing things together regardless and it seems to be working.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

LeiaLove said:


> Our relationship is good. It used to be bad. Really bad. I left once but came back shortly after. *He used to think he didn't love me *and would be happier without me but since I came back, it's been mostly smooth sailing. We hardly ever fight. He could resent me for some things but I'm pretty sure he doesn't. Like I said, he is brutally honest about things so I feel like he'd tell me if he really resented me... but maybe not.


How did you fix the bad part?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

keeper63 said:


> Wow, it really seems like a lot of the LD men described here on TAM are really into gaming, it is a common thread in a lot of these discussions.


But it's a chicken and egg question. An LD man might throw himself into gaming or get more into it because it's virtual.

I think there are men who have performance issues who get drawn into virtual stuff because it is so much easier. So much less anxiety, no expectations, never a rejection.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Before I even read the other posters suggesting unbalanced testosterone, it was the first thing I thought of. It happens in women too, it happened to me. I took Zinc every day 100-150mg and my testosterone returned and holy cow, so did my sex drive. I'm a female now who can't stop browsing the porn and masturbating...but I digress...

Go with him to the doc and request a male hormone panel.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

First off, it is NOT a "backward problem". A lot of men have low and no sex drives, and for a plethora of different reasons.

Get his T-levels checked and make sure everything is OK medically. 

But there are many reasons men dip out on sex.

There could be a history of sexual trauma there that you're not aware of.

He could simply not find you attractive, or be attracted to you even if he does. Not all men are driven to sleep with all women, including the ones they emotionally fall for.

He could be extremely bored with sex in the relationship, and finds more excitement in his extracurricular activities.

He could have serious body image issues, and doesn't want to open himself up in that way for fear of embarrassment and deep shame. In my experience the average woman seems to be clueless about the fact that some men do suffer from shockingly low self esteem and poor body image issues, and the devastation that can dole out on his mind, and your relationship.

He could be genuinely asexual. An asexual person can find much enjoyment in physical affection, but have zero desire to ever have sex.

And yes, he could be lying to you about his sexual activity outside of your relationship. Some people are extremely convincing liars. He could very well be a regular masturbator, gay, or hell even a transsexual, and if he's a good enough liar, he could have you swearing none of that could possibly be true.

He could be under a tremendous amount of mental, spiritual, or emotional stress, more than you know, and that can kill any man's drive. A lot of us tend to silently suffer and our women are CLUELESS about our personal torment.

There are so many different reasons men stop having sex. It's a regular buffet of choice. Only way to find out is to try and offer a very safe, judgement free environment, either with you, or a counselor, where he feels comfortable exploring and expressing his thoughts.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I wonder how many marriages fail because of gamming and neglecting your spouce because of gamming.

seems silly for adults to be playing video games arn't there important adult stuff to do and where do they get the time for all this gamming.


crazy i tell you just crazy!


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

Sometimes people have weird fetishes. Ask him if he wants to watch you make love to another man. When he says, "No!", tell him he better start "putting out".


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## LeiaLove (Jul 31, 2011)

All the video game haters... I don't quite see how that's the root of the problem at all. I don't see the difference between watching television 4 or 5 hours a day like most people do, or playing a video game. It's something you do for fun and relaxation. It is not evil and does not CAUSE low sex drive or neglect in a marriage. Any activity that a husband enjoys by himself (golf, working out, poker) can become a way to neglect his wife but we do not say golf is evil or poker causes low sex drive. He definitely does not neglect me in any way. I'm not trying to start a fight or anything, I would just like people to see past their original judgments on things. 

It seems like the majority of answers point to medical first, counseling second. I think that's what we'll do. I talked with him last night and he said he would do both of those things in that order. If nothing works, I told him I'd be happy to settle down and be happy with what we have (which is 100% true). But I just wanted to search all the options before settling. I just hope he really is willing to do those things and he didn't just say that at the time.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> seems silly for adults to be playing video games arn't there important adult stuff to do and where do they get the time for all this gamming.
> 
> 
> crazy i tell you just crazy!


Don't agree whatsoever. As a lifelong gamer who still enjoys it (even though I unfortunately don't get to game nearly as much as I'd want), I take issue with this line of thinking. Is it "silly" for people to spend time watching sports? Reading fiction? For anyone who has a hobby of watching television, or seeing films? What about the time it takes to go fishing? Playing card games? Posting on message boards? How does anyone "get the time" to do those things? Gaming is a form of entertainment, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying it at ANY age. This isn't the 1980's, gaming has broken into the mainstream and is done by far more than just kids and teens; men and women of all ages, at all stages, game today. It isn't child's play anymore.

The very small amount of people who become addicted to gaming shouldn't be used to handslap adults who enjoy gaming anymore than alcohol should should be outlawed because there are alcoholics.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Oh man I wish my husband was a gamer!


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Wow... Take away my Skyrim or New Vegas right now, and there'd be a serious problem. lol

And I still exercise (grappling, weights, running, teach a children's Judo class), I work on my Trans Am, I raise my son, and I'm still willing to **** my wife when I don't have to beg for it. Lately, she is starting to neglect our sex life, not me, so I've stopped giving a ****... Which has given me MORE time to finish some projects on my car and game... Plus with gaming, I do it with my son! He and I (he's four) can throw down some serious Mario Galaxy sessions together! But he does other things with me too. He has learned to do minor things on the car, he has to exercise daily, and every night he and I grapple. He has to drill, escape pins I put him in, etc.

I don't buy this whole "gaming" is the problem. Gaming is ****ing awesome!

Letting anything become a problem in the marriage is the problem, and it could be anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sorry, but your guy isn't "nice" or "loving" if he's knowingly depriving you sexually. It's inconsiderate, cruel, selfish, and abusive behavior. Call it the evil that it is and quit tolerating it.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

LeiaLove said:


> I I talked with him last night and he said he would do both of those things in that order. If nothing works, I told him I'd be happy to settle down and be happy with what we have (which is 100% true). But I just wanted to search all the options before settling. I just hope he really is willing to do those things and he didn't just say that at the time.


My husband is pretty much asexual so I'm in a similar position as you. Firstly, it's awesome that he acknowledges there's an issue and has agreed to investigate..my husb doesn't so we can't go about fixing the problem to begin with.

Secondly, I can guarantee you that after dealing with this for a few more years you won't be "happy with what you have"..you will yearn for it more and more, get resentful toward him, lose your self esteem and possibly start thinking about being with other people to fill that hole that lack of sex in marriage creates. Even if he adores you and shows you his love in all other ways ie general affection, cleaning, telling you he loves you, you're beautiful etc, NOTHING can fill the void that lack of sex creates, except sex, so I hope that your hubby really puts in the effort to help fix this or you have many unhappy years ahead dealing with this. 

Essentially there is nothing you personally can do as it's his lack of drive causing the problem..I tried everything in the book before I really realised that there was absolutely nothing I could do to impact his sex drive and since he doesn't think he has a problem, here I am nearly 8 years later wondering how long I can live without sex in my otherwise predominantly good marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LeiaLove said:


> All the video game haters... I don't quite see how that's the root of the problem at all. I don't see the difference between watching television 4 or 5 hours a day like most people do, or playing a video game. It's something you do for fun and relaxation. It is not evil and does not CAUSE low sex drive or neglect in a marriage. Any activity that a husband enjoys by himself (golf, working out, poker) can become a way to neglect his wife but we do not say golf is evil or poker causes low sex drive. He definitely does not neglect me in any way. I'm not trying to start a fight or anything, I would just like people to see past their original judgments on things.
> 
> ....


You are right. Video games are not intrinsically evil. But anything a person does to such excess that they neglect their spouse and allow their marriage to fall part has become a problem. 

However, video games have an element that things like golf do not. They are a virtual work in which a person can get so lost that the real world fades away. It becomes a very seductive form of escapism. Further people who have certain issues, such as ADD have been found to be much more likely to escape into the virtual world of games because the games tie in so well with the way in which they process the world.

If you don’t believe it come to my house an watch my husband who has been sucked into the virtual world of games. It’s not 2-5 hours a day. It’s 16 hours a day, every day of the week for 10 years. He’s lost. He does not care about the real world.

I’m not sure I’ve heard of anyone who played golf 16 hours a day for a decade… say into the middle of the night every night. But I have heard of a lot of people who live like that with video games. 

There is a seductive/escapism quality to them that nothing else has … well except for maybe online porn and online virtual worlds.

If a person does something like play video games, watch tv, play golf after their take care of their responsibilities and make sure there is time in their life for their loved ones then its’ not a problem. More power to them. 

But when it consumes the person to the point that it consumes their very waking hour, destroys their life and their family… there’s a problem.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hotdogs said:


> Oh man I wish my husband was a gamer!


You can have my gaming husband. I'll even buy him a one-way ticket to your place. He is the most awsome, ultimate gamer. He owns and plays just about every gamet that exists

I'll even send him with all the games and his high end computer.

:rofl:


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

He may be asexual.

There are asexual forums on the web that are very interesting.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> You are right. Video games are not intrinsically evil. But anything a person does to such excess that they neglect their spouse and allow their marriage to fall part has become a problem.
> 
> However, video games have an element that things like golf do not. They are a virtual work in which a person can get so lost that the real world fades away. It becomes a very seductive form of escapism. Further people who have certain issues, such as ADD have been found to be much more likely to escape into the virtual world of games because the games tie in so well with the way in which they process the world.
> 
> ...


Soooooo... The problem is not video games then... There is something as or more seductive than the virtual world sometimes too... The real world...

Do you know how many women ignore their own spouses and children to sit on a couch, to walk, to even drive connected intravenously to their smartphones, connected to the REAL world of their friends and fake friends, discussing with them such gossip as how pretty they look in their most recent profile photo, what food they are eating with an accompanying picture for the tenth time that day, and other ALL-CONSUMING activities, all tied to the real world, not a simulated one?

Virtual worlds of gaming are not the problem... Being an ******* is, something many people have been long before video games or online porn has existed. 

Escapism has many forms, and it has always been just that, a place to which to escape for psychic relief of an experience needed, or alternately a place to stay in when the real world and the people physically around you don't matter to you much... You don't need videogames or virtual worlds for this as reality can suffice... Yes, there are people obsessed with golf and may not play for 16 hours straight but will read about it, call their friend about the last game they had, look up new clubs, and by the time you add up everything "golf-related," golf has been on their minds for 16 hours straight and not their family. 

Your husband has not been "seduced" by videogames... I'm sorry if adding that "seductive" factor you claim is unique to videogames has been maybe helping you cope or justify what's happening, but if your husband is spending 16 hours straight playing videogames, then the problem IS DEFINITELY not videogames, it's HIS urging to escape his immediate, physical reality, not some mystical allure of videogames to the virtual world FROM his immediate reality... Sorry.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Leia, I must admonish you (I'm actually very disappointed no woman here has done so yet, too) for reinforcing the already-popular-in-society stereotype that women are "supposed" to be the problem by calling your problem backwards... You take women's sexuality, something not many men or women take forward today, a small step back... Shame on you.


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## Cookie99 (May 21, 2012)

My thoughts is all seem to key on porn, masturbating and low T and depression. Nonesense typically is my opinion.

There is nothing I know of that would stop me of meeting my wifes needs in the physical. I may not initiate but would not turn her down if she is physically indicating she is ready like touching or similar and I have had low sex drive. Make sure you touch often for this overrides visual stimulus and words! Works for me with low drive.

There is not anything more stimulating than intercourse with your mate for a guy bar none. 

It is my experience it is somethng else somethng not generally talked about but needs to be.

And seeing the look on your wife's face after her climax priceless! A key to the puzzle is usually missing just sad we have to work so hard to figure it out.

cookie


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## MrMarbles (Aug 28, 2012)

Sounds very similar to my marriage but with the sexes reversed. I would prefer sex about 3-4 times a week, but these days it's about once a week. There were stretches in our 25 year marriage where we would go without sex for 1-2 months. Sadly, she had emotional issues and was hyper-sensitive. She would get rattled easily over the smallest issue with anyone really, and all her energy would go towards combating that and everything else would take a back seat.

I'm at a point now where I feel like making up for lost (sex) time before I get too old and grey. I'm attempting to do this with my wife but there are days when her emotional instability seem to get in the way and sex just does not have a chance.

There is also a distinct possibility that she may just not find me that attractive, which would also explain the lack of sex interest. She may have had affairs in the past too, and am now thinking more and more that she married me only because I made a decent income and was a good provider. (Sadly), I may be looking around for something a little more exciting over the next few years. If I don't look around now I probably never will.


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