# Coping with the aftermath of an EA



## rutheruth123 (Nov 10, 2008)

I am been going throuh this since the beginning of June. My husband and I have been married 9 years we have been together 18 years total and we have a 7 year old sone. We had been having some problems ( he seemed so unhappy all the time and we were constantly fighting over dumb stuff) so one night when he was gone I went snooping, which I never do. And I found a pic in his email that looked like it had been taken by a cell phone, then I started snooping I found a cell phone number that was on our bill over and over again. I was able to figure out it was a lady he worked with, I also found there were a ton of text messages to and from this lady. I kept it to myself for a while, not long because I was making my self sick. So I contronted him after about a week of snooping. He came clean and told me that they were just friends. But he told me he was confiding in her about our problems. I told him I did not like it. I did some research and figured out he was having an Emotional Affair, and I found out this had been going on about 10 months. I thought we were working every thing out I told him I did not want him to talk to her any more (which was hard since he worked with her) How was I going to trust it. things finally got better, he was laid off (I know it is sick that him losing his job makes me happy) but I knew that it would make it easier on both of us, he agreed. then last month I was looking at our email and you can view your phone services from the message center. I had no idea you can see every phone call in or out of your house. Guess what he was talking to her again, but from our home phone (he knew I monitored the cell phone) once or twice a week for hours at a time. And it started a couple of weeks after he left his job. 
I am just severly depressed. we start marrage counseling this week. And I almost do not feel like going. We talked everything out and I was dumb enough to allow him to go meet her end it completely, which I think he has. But I was so caught off guard both times. He is still unemployeed he has a lot of free time. One I am afraid to trust him, and secondly much of the hurt is gone and now anger has set in and I just do not know how to deal with it. We are going to a counselor to improve our communication, but I am not sure if he will be willing to talk about the affair. I just feel trapped. I love him and I want things to work out. But getting burned twice so closely together I just feel stupid. I hope this was the last one. I sent him an email about the definetion of an emotional affair this last time. I think it set in that what he was doing was wrong. Even though he told me he knew it was wrong because he was hidding it from me. 
I guess the bottom line is I am confused and angry and I do not know what I should do?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You are doing things right here.

You have told him he must stop contact.

You are helping him realize what we was doing is wrong.

You are seeking professional help in counseling.

You are reaching out here for advice.

An emotional affair can take a long time to get over. Believe me I know from experience. Having a lot to time on his hands will make this more difficult for him. Actively try and help him find a job. That might help a lot. It is unlikely he will volunteer much about the affair to the counselor. Don’t expect miracles, counseling will take time just to get everything on the table. Work with him to communicate why he got into the relationship and find out what he feels he is missing that drove him to do it. Be strong and confident in talking with him about these things. This will likely take time so be patient. And remember he is the one who deceived you, he must earn your trust back. That might take time also.


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## tarheel68 (Sep 17, 2008)

He has to earn the trust ,dont just give it to him . I know this sounds harsh but he is the one who broke it ,he needs to be the one to rebuild it . You will have to be open to his efforts and he has to be the one to let it go at your pace . Im going through the same thing and have found that communication and some counselling has helped . Coming on here has really help[ed , the folks in here are going through similar things and its nice to hear that others are trying to work things out as well. The people on here are here for the same thing , reassurance that they are handeling things the right way and for advice to what others have done to get through thesee hard times .......... good luck


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## rutheruth123 (Nov 10, 2008)

Thank you both for your thoughts and advice. I know it will help! It is funny after reading what other people are going through, some of it helps. You realize that you are not alone or maybe things could always be worse. But the one thing I did not expect is that I believe I have more problems in my marriage then just the EA or communication. 
I am pretty sure he has an addiction to porn! He hides it from me still, but I am not that stupid. I am embarrassed by it. So I have never said anything. I really do not know how to address this, with everything else that is going on. Where do I go from here?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I do not condone his actions but with the EA and the use of porn it is likely he is missing something in the marriage. Emotional and physical connections. You are currently addressing the issues with the EA and I think you heading in the right direction there. As far as the porn goes, have you spoken to him about it? If you do you will need to make sure he understands how it’s use makes you feel. If you are hurt or offended by his use of porn you need to let him know of your boundaries. You have a lot of issues going on right now so be careful if you are ready to throw this into the mix also. Keep going to counseling until you both have all of the pieces of the puzzle on the table.


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## rutheruth123 (Nov 10, 2008)

Thank you Amp for your post. I guess I am not sure how I feel about the porn. I know he has been looking at it our entire marriage, that I know of. I guess it never really bothered me until I was pregnant and well that was because I felt insecure about how I looked. But I guess it does not bother me nearly as bad as the EA! Maybe if I just understood why he needs it. Maybe after our communication is improved I can ask, but I right now I have difficulting talking to him about daily stuff let alone about his porn addiction.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

rutheruth123 said:


> Thank you Amp for your post. I guess I am not sure how I feel about the porn. I know he has been looking at it our entire marriage, that I know of. I guess it never really bothered me until I was pregnant and well that was because I felt insecure about how I looked. But I guess it does not bother me nearly as bad as the EA! Maybe if I just understood why he needs it. Maybe after our communication is improved I can ask, but I right now I have difficulting talking to him about daily stuff let alone about his porn addiction.


so your issues are:

1) EA

2) porn

3) communication

am i reading this right?

how much easier this would be if communication ranked #1. make it be that way. i'll bet if he's made to feel "safe" about telling you about the EA, he'll be ready to get it off his chest. just my guess.


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