# Help - What does this mean? I need your opinion.



## Isabellam (Aug 23, 2010)

So, here I am after having another not so great weekend. I am not sure how many of these I can have anymore. So, after another not so great talk with my husband yesterday, today I am feeling even more empty and disconnected. During a hike yesterday, he told me that he was still here because:
1) I am his best friend
2) he is holding on to memories of better times (nostalgia)
3) if he left he would not get to see our dog again
4) we have a mortgage
5) he is afraid of being alone.

Is it me, or the fact that he loves me as his wife not on the list? he tried to say that 1 and 2 mean that he loves me, but I am not sure I believe that. I don't want to be just his best friend, I want to be his wife. 

But I see the writing on the wall. I just want this to be over. Unfortunately, he suffers from depression and it is very difficult for me to say anything. We had a bad argument this morning, and he just broke down crying and just scaring me with things such as "I won't be here to see that or the other." I am afraid that he can hurt himself. Not sure if he would hurt me or not, I hate being in this situation. I threated to call his parents, and his answer was "are you going to call my mommy on me?" Help!

I am having a hard time. I just want it done. I may regret it in the future, but this is not a great life right now.

What would you do?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You say that you want it 'done', but you aren't spelling out what that actually means to you.

Unless it is your plan to leave him, you should call his parents. Depression runs a pretty big bell curve. It isn't your job to fix his life. If you want him to be well, enlist help. Force the issue. 

Do you have a realistic idea of how severe his depression is?


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## Isabellam (Aug 23, 2010)

Hi -thanks for your thoughts - what I mean with being done - was being done with working on this relationship. Yesterday, he told me that every day he was giving less and less and that I would need to give more to save things. I don't have the strength.

As far as his depression, he is pretty stressed with work, has kind of giving up working out, etc. I am not sure we can save our relationship. It is pretty bad. 

I am not sure if I should call his parents, as I would hate to get them involved in our problems.

I am at a loss as to what to do.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Make a decision for yourself. Decide what you need. What you want. Know what you are willing to give, and what you aren't. 

For as long as he is able to make the issues about you - instead of taking responsibility for himself, nobody wins.

Do you want to be in a relationship where your role is 'savior' all of the time? I know I didn't. And when I left, guess what? All of the things that she couldn't possibly do on her own? She did. And she felt better about herself.

And as bizarre as it seems, and we've actually talked about this, those changes that she made and exceeded her own expectations would simply have become bastions of bitter resentment had I stayed and continued insisting she needed to do them.

Leaving can be therapeutic. It can shine the light on the fact that you are on exactly the right course, or make it clear that it being over, is what neither of you want.

Start thinking of your life in terms of you, not 'us'. It can be harder than it sounds.

Odds are, were you to walk out the door tomorrow, you would both survive. Indicating to you his fear of being alone is very telling, and also not very smart. 

He isn't 'choosing' you. He feels stuck with you - therefore despite the fact that he can't muster the courage to leave or change things on his own - he can resent you for contributing to his feelings of helplessness. That is an extraordinarily damaged dynamic. One that you need to change for your benefit, if not for his.


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## bvmama (Sep 27, 2010)

He is depressed which is a chemical problem in his brain. Call his parents and take him to the doctor.

You can't fix him only he can fix himself and he has to want to do that.

Please take him to the doctor there is no shame in feeling depressed.


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