# trickle truth or 2nd D -day : how did it effect reconciliation?



## allwillbewell

Has anyone here experienced a WS trickle truthing or the revelation of other past affairs long after reconciliation had begun? How did this affect reconciliation?
would that constitute a false reconciliation? Can marriage survive this?


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## tracyishere

I think that could be very damaging to a reconciliation. How can you heal if you keep getting hurt? How can you trust if you don't know the whole truth.

I'd demand the truth in its entirety or you'll be forever in pain.


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## Mtts

^ like tracyishere mentions, it can really damage it. Mine for example: I gave up. Trickle truth is basically an admission that they aren't serious. 

For me anyway, I warned it was everything on the table or it'd be worse later, I guess I'm finally to the worse.

I'm sure this depends on each person. You got to ask yourself if you can deal with it over long periods or better in one dump. I'd take the all at once if it was me, as at that point you can evaluate the situation better.


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## WasDecimated

TT destroyed any chance at R for me and my XWW. TT is lying...lying by omission. 

I stayed for almost 2 years hoping she would wake up but it never happened. She continued lying and as I found out later...still in contact with OM. 

If they think so little of you that they won't even tell you the whole truth then there can be no R. If you stay without knowing everything then you will build even more resentment then you would have had from the cheating itself. 

TT, in any form, means that the WS has no interest in the emotional well being of the person they betrayed. It also means they have no respect for them either. They are more interested in guarding their secrets. This situation is toxic and is doomed to fail.


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## Racer

I posted this in another topic, but it applies here:


> The more DD’s you have, the less able you are willing to trust the version you have is final edition versus just another fable. It does get to the point where even the truth isn’t accepted or seen as anything more than just another fable... And you end up with the insane buggers like me talking about surreal marriages and altered realities of perceptions.


So yes... too many DD’s, False R, and TT over about a two year period (or six years depending on perceptions).... 
EA.... then False R (continued underground EA discovered 6 months into it). Then confession of PA. Then LTPA. Then another PA revealed. Then more EA’s from the past. Then mental issues she never addressed or got help with. Then.... 

Just as you are adjusting to new “realities” of these stories, BOOM! Another world shattering discovery about your spouse. Hit after hit. Shoved violently down the well over and over. 



> Alice in Wonderland. “Thus, in Chapter I, Carroll prepares us for Alice's first major confrontation with absolute chaos. And note that Alice's literal-minded reaction to the impossible is always considered absurd here in Wonderland; it is laughable, yet it is her only way of coping. “


.. 

I fell down that rabbit hole a long time ago. Enter the surreal. You start to adjust to this new reality. My wife is a liar. She will always be a liar. And I am not a lie detector. Simple facts you learn to accept.

Then you start learning to cope and doing what you must to secure yourself. 

As nasty as it sounds, I really do like my wife. Zero rational reason. I can’t even whole heartedly justify why I do; I just do. I accept this. Might even be some mental issues  Yet, like poor Alice, you just learn to enjoy and poke around in the chaos without trying to make sense of it all. Your gut just tells you to stick it out. You harden up and learn to crush the insecurity and any threats that come your way. Bruce Banner to the Hulk depending...

Boundaries and will power to enforce. That requires a degree of detachment. My wife doesn’t complete me; She’s damn lucky I find her intriguing enough, cool enough, fun enough, smart enough, etc. to hang out with still. I enjoy the relationship. But there are strict rules now and a lot more deal breakers. It isn’t a secure place. I’ve got an account I openly refer to as my divorce account. I have a “Plan B” exit strategy and “go bag”. She knows where she stands. And yet she also still chooses to stay.

So the ramification of all this? What we once would have defined as “marriage” and the expectations that went with it are burned to the ground. We have a relationship; complex as hell... but we are still together. There are conditions and boundaries. It is no longer an expectation of “until death do us part”... it is “until I no longer want to be”. Dreams shattered and just left with “what it is”. 

How it feels? Remember way back when you were dating? Like that... no reason to believe you had to spend the rest of your life with her or that you owed her something or visa-versa; just doing silly stuff together because it’s fun to do. That is the attitude you must develop to survive..............


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## audacia

Racer, my heart is breaking for you, and for me. 

I am new to this site and have been doing so much reading. I don't know your back story, but what I just read sounds like my life. In referse though. My husband is a liar. Always has been a liar. And not just about infidelity issues. 

The crazy making went on for many years until this week when I finally put an end to it. He's moved out now and I am on a mission to heal myself and get my life back the way I want it. In the past I would always let him cry and appologize and promise to change. I knew inside me that if I ever made the boundary solid and we seperated, that I would not have him back. 

Many people here on this site talk about a seperation being the best thing if there is ever going to be a reconcilliation. I think I feared the seperation for so long because I knew for me it was going to be final. 

I hear your pain. Finding ways to cope just to survive it. I don't just hear your pain, I know your pain.


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## kirdalt

Sorry I know this post is older but I had to comment on it, from my own experience I know for a fact that trickel truth and a 2nd D day killed it for me no doubt about that when I wanted to try I got strung along while he continued his PA. I can imagine most people would feel the same only not on this post due to knowing that they need a D instead of R. I only came here because of second guessing my decision to give up, but feel down I know what I need to do even though its scary to enter the world as a single mom and alone better than living the rest of my life knowing I'm not worth the truth or faithfulness of the man I chose to marry


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## allwillbewell

Thanks to all the posters... a year later I'd just like to say that my FWH and I weathered the crisis from last year...a 2nd Dday where I learned that he had had a one-year affair 23 years ago that was never disclosed until his recent AP spilled the beans when he ended their LTA (6 years!). While he immediately gave up any physical contact with OW#2, he continued sporadic communications with her which I now think may have had something to do with appeasing her enough to ward off her spilling the truth to me of the first affair he had admitted to her! When I demanded absolute NC, he complied and she told, which led to the crisis I opened my post about. 

On good days, I seem to be able to move on and we have a pretty good relationship especially when he shows the consideration and affection that I need. Altho the shadow of his past deceit and betrayals follows me constantly, I know he is trying to redeem himself, and he loves me in his way. I stay with him for the love I bear for him, our history, our children, what we have built over 35 years. I also am very realistic in realizing I may never find that love I grew up believing existed if I did split. I am not fully trusting, and am vigilant and cannot imagine that ever changing back to the naivety that ruled my life before. I am still struggling with full forgiveness for what he and his APs did to me...

On bad days, I obsess about what he stole from me: the truth, my trust, my optimism, the love and attention he gave his OWs, my dream of finding a soulmate or at least a man who considered me his beloved, and including the possibility of finding a man 23 years ago had we split that might have loved me with more integrity and honesty. I wonder if I should have insisted on separating at DDay 1 and especially DDay 2 in order to heal more fully...who knows? All I know is that he himself is a huge trigger and so is our own home and bed as he brought AP2 into them a number of times when I was gone. 

But that just the sh#ts, isn't it...life is unfair and why should my life that had been fairly charmed up to now, be any different? I am hopeful that as time passed the pain he inflicted will be overshadowed by the joy, love and security we are trying to regain...it is his wish and goal, too.


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