# Venting....



## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Sorry if this gets long-
Some of you know that my H left us 5 weeks ago....just seemingly out of the blue within an hour of us returning from a weekend away. He got in a conflict with the neighbor....came in the house, packed his things and left. There has been little contact...all initiated by me...mostly through email as he either wont answer his phone or hangs up on me when I call. When he does talk to me, its usually to say vicious cruel things or worse just cold and unfeeling statements about how he will never come home. 
Fast forward to yesterday. I am doing an internship for medical assisting and had to go in yesterday. My little one wasent feeling well when I got up...coughing, wheezing, achy. I usually leave him with my 15 yr old when I go in but felt bad leaving him sick. So I tried to call his dad. His phone was off. I left a msg and tried to call his moms house as thats where he is staying. No answer...I left a msg. I go to work...get home. H had never called to see how Dylan was or come over to see about him. He did end up calling later in the day. I picked up assuming he was finally doing so. I say hello and he barks at me "you need to keep your freakin hands off MY money and stop taking it out of the bank" his next statement was "you wont have to worry about it because there wont be any for you next week" and he hung up. our agreement was he would leave a certain amt in the acct as 'support' for me to use for the kids and I to pay bills, groceries etc. Well I knew better but called back and got just horrible things shouted at me....cruel and mean and had nothing to do with the money or anything relavant.
Today he calls again...wow two calls in two days....to tell me that I am to pay his car payment today as the money I took he was going to use for it and now he can't so I should pay it or put his money back. That led in to many threats by him of 1. him calling the police saying I stole his money out of our joint acct 2. the tax money we got back he'll call and report that I stole that from him too....3. he will just come and take the van *that I drive*.....it goes on and on. 

The pathetic thing is that I nearly thought about paying off the car for him before his call. I even called the place we got it from and asked about the payoff....how much we're behind. I explained the situation and her advice was to not do it...she said being nice to someone who would walk out on you like that isnt going to get you anywhere but walked on more....then she explained it wouldnt affect my credit as it was an in house financing. 

Am I pathetic for thinking about helping with the car? Is it my job to? I do have all tax refund we got but I also have three children and myself to take care of and he keeps making threats that he's not going to help. He had a choice to relocate with his company or give up his job and stay here. He chose to give up his job...so I'm assuming he's going on unemployment and wont be helping us at all in a month. 

He sounded like such a child when we spoke....throwing out such mean things, many that made no sense and were just meant to hurt....such as when I commented for him to ask his mom to help him with the car since he's decided to go back to being a little boy and living at home again. His comeback was "well we know you wont be doing that since your mom is dead" nice right? He asked why I kept calling and wanted him back if I thought he was so crazy....which I did call him during the call....at that point I didnt even have an answer except that he seems like two people to me...the one he is when he's not raging and this one. We used to jokingly call him the Hulk because it was that drastic a change....nice normal man to raging cruel guy.....


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

Keep the money///.. Go for CHILD SUPPORT or you will be **c*ed. Mines was the same about HIS money, you will never win with that situation. Do he care if you and your kid eat so why care about his car payment. 

Leave him alone until he show a sign that he misses you.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't help him.

He can't call the cops on his wife using joint money :rofl: Moron he is.

Get papers filed for a divorce. But first, get as much money out of that account that you can--- for the children.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Personally, I would not initiate contact with him for anything!!! If all you will be met with is insults, him saying horrible things to you and no help what would be the point? 

There should be no question about the tax refund, you have children to take care of and that's what it should be used for, not for God knows what he would be using it for, whether it's for the car or not, kids come first....

He can't call the cops on you for anything that's "joint", and chances are they will see what a raving lunatic he is anyway.
Use that money for the kids, and, even if it's used on groceries, keep your receipts just in case....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

if it's joint, she doesn't have to say WHAT she used the money on.

Screw that guy.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Greeneyes...you are more than right and I've known this from the get go....but I keep going back for more trying to see if the "other" side has returned or not....apparently he's dead and gone for good this time. I won't be calling again. I may have to tie my hands up at times but today was eye opening to say the least. 

I have a question about child support/alimony etc....can you file for it without filing for divorce?


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

that_girl said:


> if it's joint, she doesn't have to say WHAT she used the money on.
> 
> Screw that guy.


:iagree::iagree::iagree: Truuuuu Dat!


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

yes its a joint acct....one we opened a week before he left...s'plain that one Lucy....I dont get why he did a lot of things he did right before he left....that was one of them...signing us all up for health ins at his work as a surprise to me....we had talked about it and I told him it was too much we could do without....he came home and told me he went ahead and did it because he wanted us all to be healthy and protected....its 300 a mth for coverage. Why do that if you're leaving? 

Anyway I know none of his threats have any validity....it was like a little boy kicking and screaming...give me my way or I'll.... sad really. I'm not going to make his car payment....I am keeping all the tax money and I will be at the bank next friday taking out whatever I can then too.....screw him. He wanted this....well welcome to it. My kids aren't going to suffer over his selfishness.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And don't answer the phone when he calls.

No contact. Unless through your lawyer. What a douche. Is he doing drugs?


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

melissa68 said:


> Greeneyes...you are more than right and I've known this from the get go....but I keep going back for more trying to see if the "other" side has returned or not....apparently he's dead and gone for good this time. I won't be calling again. I may have to tie my hands up at times but today was eye opening to say the least.
> 
> I have a question about child support/alimony etc....can you file for it without filing for divorce?


Even if the other side returns, you know it will be temporary, and after everything he's done and said he should be contacting you if the other side returns and royally kissing your a$$ for all the crap that's he's done/said to you....The way he's acting right now is ridiculous!!!!! Tie your hands up, clean, read, get on the computer, do anything to keep yourself from picking up that phone...I know it's the hardest thing ever, but you will be much happier and less stressed in the end when you leave it be...

As for child support it probably varies by state...I don't know how that works if you're still married because I've never had to deal with that. I would call an attorney because usually you can get a free consultation...


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

melissa68 said:


> yes its a joint acct....one we opened a week before he left...s'plain that one Lucy....I dont get why he did a lot of things he did right before he left....that was one of them...signing us all up for health ins at his work as a surprise to me....we had talked about it and I told him it was too much we could do without....he came home and told me he went ahead and did it because he wanted us all to be healthy and protected....its 300 a mth for coverage. Why do that if you're leaving?
> 
> Anyway I know none of his threats have any validity....it was like a little boy kicking and screaming...give me my way or I'll.... sad really. * I'm not going to make his car payment....I am keeping all the tax money and I will be at the bank next friday taking out whatever I can then too.....screw him. He wanted this....well welcome to it. My kids aren't going to suffer over his selfishness.*


:smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

that_girl....Ive wondered myself. The personality change is so drastic...I thought that or another woman....he denies both but I doubt he'd tell me really. 

I have a question....his name is still on the lease here...renting...does he have a right to just come in the house should he want to? I've changed the locks already but am afraid he'll do something like that and try and take some of the property


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He has legal rights to the place, yes. 

I suggest consulting a lawyer.

And I would say either drugs or a mental problem.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Melissa,

If I haven't asked before, do you know of his childhood?


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Conrad,
Oh yes....he has a very bad childhood. His dad was an alcoholic and left the household for a time to get cleaned up. His mom is a lot like he is now....at least this side of him...cold and uncaring...I've heard many stories from him and his sisters about the abuse...though they dont call it that...I sure do.....made to pick switches off the tree to get beat with....
He did a lot of drugs in his early years....into his late twenties....

I knew all this...I guess I was just enough messed up from my first marriage that I thought things would be ok. This is far from the first time he's walked out...its just the first time he's stayed gone....and its far from the first time he's been vulgar and cruel with his words.

Time for me to accept that he has problems that go beyond what is going to change without him getting help and he won't do that....so...


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

Yes can go for child support , you guys are living separate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

justwhy do you know if I'd file for a legal separation and thats where all that would be worked out? I was thinking of it anyway...though its probably just dragging out the inevitable I know....I just can't seem to bring myself to file for divorce just yet...stupid I know considering how he is.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

Not in NJ. call your county courthouse or go online, I know someone who did it before he left the house. our husband will stop his direct deposit so be prepared. The day you file will start him owning you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

melissa68 said:


> yes its a joint acct....one we opened a week before he left...s'plain that one Lucy....I dont get why he did a lot of things he did right before he left....that was one of them...signing us all up for health ins at his work as a surprise to me....we had talked about it and I told him it was too much we could do without....he came home and told me he went ahead and did it because he wanted us all to be healthy and protected....its 300 a mth for coverage. Why do that if you're leaving?
> 
> Anyway I know none of his threats have any validity....it was like a little boy kicking and screaming...give me my way or I'll.... sad really. I'm not going to make his car payment....I am keeping all the tax money and I will be at the bank next friday taking out whatever I can then too.....screw him. He wanted this....well welcome to it. My kids aren't going to suffer over his selfishness.


Good for you. Have you seen a lawyer at all. I think in some states you can have it to where there is a budget and both must stick to it... I can't think of what it is called but someone will know it here. 

Stay strong! I am so tired of grown people throwing tantrums!


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Oh mama....so am I.....I couldn't believe some of the things that were coming out of his mouth. I could almost invision him on the floor kicking and screaming. Everything I said I got a mean response back....ones just meant to hurt. And surprisingly they didn't as much this time....maybe because he was so absurd...or so desperate for a change...

I haven't talked to an atty but I think that I should...I did look up the court paperwork and saw that you can file just for child support without having a divorce in motion. I think I'll do that. I'm sure that will just set him off again but whats new. 

You know what came to mind today....he's nothing but a bully....and when you confront a bully they usually back down...we'll see...


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## nomoretogive (Oct 29, 2011)

melissa68 said:


> I have a question about child support/alimony etc....can you file for it without filing for divorce?


Melissa:

I am just now seeing this, and I am so sorry that your story is ongoing, and that things are unfolding the way they are. I feel so bad for you and your boys. How are they doing through all of this? How are you doing given that you started your externships? Holy cow.

Anyway, you may have already done this, but I wanted to comment just in case. I was able to file for child support and custody without filing for divorce the last time my H left us. I printed the paperwork off of the court's website and took it in. I didn't even have to pay a fee that day. I was granted an ex parte hearing with the judge, who signed the orders that afternoon. Quick and easy and protected the kids through the whole mess. I was not going to file the divorce because I am not the one who walked away, but I damn sure was going to protect myself and my kids from his silliness. You have been more than fair with your H, and it's time for you to worry about you and the kids now. File for custody and child support. 

I will also tell you that there is a benefit to your doing it this way now, regardless of how ticked off he is going to get. Like your H, mine has abandoned us many times when he's having one of his fits. Well, I made sure to put that all in the paperwork -- father abandons child regularly, does not contact or check on child for weeks on end, last time was on Christmas Day (and this was the one that really sealed the deal). The judge heard the story and had no issues whatsoever about signing an order giving me full custody. 

It also helped to set the stage for permanent visitation/custody orders, because it was to be heard in the same court. Had we gotten that far, he was going to have to explain himself and his actions and justify why he should have any contact with the kids. After my hearing, as I was finalizing some paperwork with the clerk's office, the bailiff stopped me on the way out and told me, "We can't give you legal advice, but I think the judge would tell you, if he could, to find a lawyer who will insist on supervised visits only, and I don't think you would have a problem getting that order signed in this court." 

The reality is this: No matter what you do, your H is going to find fault with it and beat you up as much as he can. Now that he has another woman, he is going to be in the fog and really won't be worried about stepping up and tending to his fatherly responsibilities. File for custody and child support at the very least so that you know regardless of what he does for work he will be providing some support for the children, and that he can't get a hair up his a$$ and decide one day to come grab Dylan. 

This also helps to level the playing field some, too. Up to now, he's been running the show, calling the shots, and put you in a position where you're begging for answers -- because you deserve them! -- and he won't provide you any, just wants to insult you and call you names. By filing paperwork with the court, he'll wake up quickly and figure out that you're taking some of your control back. He won't like it, I will tell you that now, but it's something you have to do for you and your kids. You guys can't go on in limbo like this forever....and as much as he talks, he hasn't filed himself yet, has he? He wants to keep you there as an option, in case the other woman doesn't work out. Refuse to be his option and put him on notice by filing the paperwork that supporting his kids isn't a choice he gets to make and that you are ready to move on without him. 

You can do this!!


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Thank you so much for that...I needed it so much this morning. I am going to file for child support/custody. He is is crazyland at the moment and his family is worse so the last thing I would want is he/them to get some wild idea to try and take Dylan from me or even to put him through visitation over there. When it comes to protecting my boys I will bring it all out.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I'm not surprised to hear his childhood home was filled with neglect and anger. What you describe of his behavior towards you (ie: the lack of commitment to doing anything different and the anger when not getting his way) screams of an emotionally broken person.

He's likely known what you've wanted for years, but has been secretly angry with you because he's simply terrified to actually commit woman. He likely distrusts all women and holds them in contempt. You see, people who should not have hurt him DID hurt him a long time ago. You are likely the stand-in for his anger towards them.

Marriage counseling is not what he needs.

Individual counseling IS what he needs - with a focus on his interactions with you - and how he can get past his own anger and the resulting dismissal of your needs in your relationship.

Keep in mind that some people actually attend therapy simply to nurse their own internal anger. Of course, this gets nowhere. Then they end up repeating the same old mistakes for the rest of their lives. They are miserable and they blame everyone but themselves.

The people that hurt him aren't here.

Now, he's paying it forward.

It can stop here. But, she's going to need to fix himself. He's the only one that can.

You taking his crap doesn't help him a bit.

Most importantly, it does nothing positive for you.



melissa68 said:


> Conrad,
> Oh yes....he has a very bad childhood. His dad was an alcoholic and left the household for a time to get cleaned up. His mom is a lot like he is now....at least this side of him...cold and uncaring...I've heard many stories from him and his sisters about the abuse...though they dont call it that...I sure do.....made to pick switches off the tree to get beat with....
> He did a lot of drugs in his early years....into his late twenties....
> 
> ...


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Conrad, everything you said is so true. There were times (and yes I know every person in an abused relationship says this) but there were times when he would try so hard to change....I can recall getting this self help program....relationship rescue...it involved months of daily 'things' to do...talking, writing, talking about feelings, tasks to do....he did it all...openly and willingly. Things were so good then...when this angry side appears he's a whole different person....this one now....hes no one I know... I know its time to heal myself and my family....I can't fix him....I can't make him want to change...and he doesnt want to admit there is one so its easier to run away and start with someone new....it doesnt stop the hurt or the want. I want the man deep inside...the one who cared enough to help me overcome my anxiety disorder and be able to do things again...the one who encouraged me to go to school and the one who would call and say he loved me just because... Sadly I think he's gone or maybe never was....


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## talkitout (Feb 21, 2012)

Your STBXH ad my ex-gf sound like they were cut from the same cloth. When my ex gets bad its like a switch flips and she becomes a total different person that has never known me and my existence, or not, doesn't matter to her.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Melissa,

I realize you're relatively new. This is a wonderful forum filled with people who are either discovering how bad it is, working through how bad it is, or are reporting from the other side (of how bad it was).

You will see many many posts from well meaning people about Willard Harley's "His Needs/Her Needs" and Smalley's "Love Languages", etc.

Let me say this once.

*NONE OF THAT STUFF MATTERS IF YOU'RE DEALING WITH A BROKEN PERSON WHO WON'T FIX THEMSELVES. NADA - ZIP - ZILCH*

That's why I ask this question so often. IF you are dealing with one of these people - quite literally - wrong is right.

Abused people abuse.

Until you stop letting them abuse you.

You're been abused.

It's time for you to fix yourself and start healing.

Find out what you've done to allow this type of person this close to you - and why.

The rest of your life remains to be lived.

Don't give it away.



melissa68 said:


> Conrad, everything you said is so true. There were times (and yes I know every person in an abused relationship says this) but there were times when he would try so hard to change....I can recall getting this self help program....relationship rescue...it involved months of daily 'things' to do...talking, writing, talking about feelings, tasks to do....he did it all...openly and willingly. Things were so good then...when this angry side appears he's a whole different person....this one now....hes no one I know... I know its time to heal myself and my family....I can't fix him....I can't make him want to change...and he doesnt want to admit there is one so its easier to run away and start with someone new....it doesnt stop the hurt or the want. I want the man deep inside...the one who cared enough to help me overcome my anxiety disorder and be able to do things again...the one who encouraged me to go to school and the one who would call and say he loved me just because... Sadly I think he's gone or maybe never was....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mamatomany said:


> Good for you. Have you seen a lawyer at all. I think in some states you can have it to where there is a budget and both must stick to it... I can't think of what it is called but someone will know it here.
> 
> Stay strong! I am so tired of grown people throwing tantrums!


They often do that when they are little people inside.


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