# having trouble forgiving and moving forward



## T.S (Jul 13, 2016)

my husband constantly lies to me and about me to whom ever will listen. he will spend thousands of dollars without telling me, when i find out some how it turns in to my fault. he has been on his knees swearing to god he was telling the truth just for me to find him in a lie 10 mins later. he has done some horrible damage to our families and to our marriage with his selfish behavior. He is emotionally abusive and has been physically abusive (which was worked out in counseling) we have split up a couple of times, i fall for his lies every. single. time. thinking maybe just maybe this time his is telling the truth.
this is his second marriage, he had a affair the last one. I dont want to give up on my marriage so easy, because i see the pain his kids went threw and i don't want the same for mine. 
he says he hates me, the I'm a miserable b****, a idiot, ect in front of my kids...
every time i look at him i see the monster that lives inside. Even if we work threw what ever fight we just went threw, all i can think of is everything he has done to me. everything he says to me. i cringe every time he even touches me.
we are about to start marriage counseling again, and i know my biggest issue is moving passed the things he has done and forgiving. 
how do you move pass these things? i know i will have to learn to in order to save whats left of my marriage, has anyone been threw this and made it out ok?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why in gods name do you want to work through this with him? You deserve FAR FAR better than that. So do your kids. They deserve to have a mother who is respected and loved, not abused!!! Break the cycle NOW and get rid of him. You're better off on your own.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

the only moving ahead you need to do for yourself and your kids is with out him. he is not a good husband, let alone a man. and if you stop to think about it you know its the truth.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

T.S said:


> my husband constantly lies to me and about me to whom ever will listen. he will spend thousands of dollars without telling me, when i find out some how it turns in to my fault. he has been on his knees swearing to god he was telling the truth just for me to find him in a lie 10 mins later. he has done some horrible damage to our families and to our marriage with his selfish behavior. He is emotionally abusive and has been physically abusive (which was worked out in counseling) we have split up a couple of times, i fall for his lies every. single. time. thinking maybe just maybe this time his is telling the truth.
> this is his second marriage, he had a affair the last one. I dont want to give up on my marriage so easy, because i see the pain his kids went threw and i don't want the same for mine.
> he says he hates me, the I'm a miserable b****, a idiot, ect in front of my kids...
> every time i look at him i see the monster that lives inside. Even if we work threw what ever fight we just went threw, all i can think of is everything he has done to me. everything he says to me. i cringe every time he even touches me.
> ...


you are not supposed to go to marriage counseling with anyone who has abused you. You should each find an individual counselor to meet with.

however, i agree with others. People like that can't really change, they only change tactics. Best to leave. 

I never could move past the things my ex did. When i left, i felt free from the obligation to deal with his issues. It left me free to concentrate on my children and self care/self preservation

Also, refer to the abuse thread.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/319418-abuse-thread.html


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

T.S said:


> my husband constantly lies to me and about me to whom ever will listen. he will spend thousands of dollars without telling me, when i find out some how it turns in to my fault. he has been on his knees swearing to god he was telling the truth just for me to find him in a lie 10 mins later. he has done some horrible damage to our families and to our marriage with his selfish behavior. He is emotionally abusive and has been physically abusive (which was worked out in counseling) we have split up a couple of times, i fall for his lies every. single. time. thinking maybe just maybe this time his is telling the truth.
> this is his second marriage, he had a affair the last one. I dont want to give up on my marriage so easy, because i see the pain his kids went threw and i don't want the same for mine.
> he says he hates me, the I'm a miserable b****, a idiot, ect in front of my kids...
> every time i look at him i see the monster that lives inside. Even if we work threw what ever fight we just went threw, all i can think of is everything he has done to me. everything he says to me. i cringe every time he even touches me.
> ...


Desperation is fake and it *does not* engender connection or intimacy (emotional closeness).

In relationships, we have to notice when individuals are acting out of desperation, and resist the urge to buy it. We also have to resist the urge to give into their negativity, the opposite of the desperation. *Both* are connection-destroying.


So, let's break it down a bit. This is an analysis (factually), not a judgement. He does all of this for power and control. Individuals do a lot of things in relationships for power and control. The elicitation of an emotional reaction is the proof of their power. Individuals do this to get what they want, in the moment, that is.

How was he during the courtship? Probably romantic, caring and understanding. The courtship behavior is the promise. The after-marriage behavior is the delivery. It should match, in strong relationships.

You don't have to "learn to" or "deal with" any emotionally destructive behavior. There are things you can do to disarm him, and reach out with compassion to him, but that requires a lot of love from you and some semblance of his former self to still remain.

It is safe to say that he needs to change. Even if you were 100% emotionally durable, his negativity removes love from the relationship. How you can get there is if you no longer accept his emotional poison, and you can no longer accept his desperation.

If he is even an ounce physically abusive, I would step away, as this advice tends to lead to an immediate negative reaction from them, as they are used to you taking their crap.

Forgiveness is a tricky subject. I fully believe in forgiving and forgetting, but the past has to stay in the past, for that to happen. If he continually acts like that, it is not something in the past, but a revisiting nightmare.

To forgive, requires a true apology. I (personally) don't believe in the words behind an apology, so much. I believe in the actions. A true apology means devoting effort to changing the emotionally destructive behavior or random mistake. It might not correct itself immediately, but you should be able to see the expenditure of energy to change. If he is not doing anything to step away from his extreme negativity, what do you have to forgive? If he keeps doing it, he isn't sorry.

ACTIONS>words


Good luck.


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