# Husband has NO sex drive, now I have cheated!



## awake11 (Jul 5, 2011)

sorry - deleted


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

You need to cut contact with the other man and tell your husband.

Tell him what you need and that you afraid for the marriage. It is perfectly normal for you to want sexual intimacy with your husband, and important that you feel desired and loved. If he is not willing to do something about it then you need to decide if you want to stay married. I don't honestly think I could stay, it would break my heart too.

Ask him to go to the Dr get a physical have his testosterone checked, and go to a sex therapist plus have counseling.


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## awake11 (Jul 5, 2011)

sorry - deleted


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

An affair is not going to help matters at all. As you get more into the affair you will put less effort into your marriage. You owe it to yourself and your husband to decide upfront if no sex is enough to end the marriage. I certainly do think it IS a valid reason, but I am suggesting going behind your husbands back to satisfy your needs is not the correct approach.

As difficult as it might be, you need to tell your husband that his lack of desire is causing you to think it might be worth dissolving the marriage over. Give him an opportunity to correct the problem based upon that information (or ultimatum if you choose).

Also understand that the odds are 99% this other man is saying all the things you want to hear, all the things that make your heart go pitter-pat, and all the things that make you think he cares about you because his sole goal is to get between your legs. The reality is that he has no intention of ever acting on the emotions he is feeding you and they are expressed simply as a means to get what he wants. The risk you face is that you act on your emotions, your husband finds out, and you lose both your husband and your lover. Once you become available, it is likely your lover will become unavailable. He doesn't need any single woman endangering his marriage.

As I just replied to someone else on this forum contemplating the same thing. Don't do it. We can throw some cold water on your face if that will help bring you back to your senses.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Men who seduce married women keep their feelings separate from sex. Can you, as a woman, do the same?


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## awake11 (Jul 5, 2011)

sorry - deleted


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Where is the meeting "emotional needs" questions?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CoffeeTime (Jul 3, 2011)

Maybe your husband needs information about the affair in order for him to decide if he wants this marriage as well? It is only fair to him.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Syrum said:


> You need to cut contact with the other man and tell your husband.
> 
> Tell him what you need and that you afraid for the marriage. It is perfectly normal for you to want sexual intimacy with your husband, and important that you feel desired and loved. If he is not willing to do something about it then you need to decide if you want to stay married. I don't honestly think I could stay, it would break my hearty too.
> 
> Ask him to go to the Dr get a physical have his testosterone checked, and go to a sex therapist plus have counseling.


I'm with Syrum on this!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

How HIGH is your sex drive exactly? =/


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## awake11 (Jul 5, 2011)

sorry - deleted


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

awake11 said:


> my sex drive isn't that high. I'm 32 and would be more than happy with sex 2-4 times a week. Maybe ideally around 5 times a week but that could be because I'm not getting any so I'm thinking about it more than I probably would if we had sex regularly. The therapist (who I've seen once, my husband is going on his own too, then we'll go together) said that in a healthy relationship sex takes up about 8%, but in a relationship where there's no sex it takes up about 80%, I think that's very true. I can walk around naked without him taking any notice of me (and I'm as petite, 53kg as I was before I had our daughter). I can dress up in sexy lingerie and he'll still turn my down for sex. No comments when I undress to undies in front of him at night before I go to bed. Even when we cuddle together naked and kiss he'll quite happily stop and say he's too tired. I know I'm the "bad guy" here because I've taken it a step too far and gone behind his back and it's very much killing me inside. I am torn up by all this right now. I'm just not coping with this lack of intimacy, I don't feel like he's being my husband.


Honestly I feel for you, when someone you love does that it feels like the biggest rejection ever. You internalize it and feel so awful about your self.

However you either need to end your marriage and move on or really give your marriage a good go, and if things haven't improved in say 6 months or one year then move on. Cheating isn't the answer.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Have you checked not just testosterone, but thyroid as well? And what was his testosterone level? It seems that many men are told they are in 'normal' range, but they are actually normal for like a 70 year old man, not the age that they are.

And, just playing devil's advocate here, but are you sure he isn't having an affair?


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## Closer (Jul 15, 2011)

Syrum said:


> Honestly I feel for you, when someone you love does that it feels like the biggest rejection ever. You internalize it and feel so awful about your self.
> 
> However you either need to end your marriage and move on or really give your marriage a good go, and if things haven't improved in say 6 months or one year then move on. Cheating isn't the answer.



I believe that you've hit the jackpot, Syrum. It's really time to give an ultimatum. As Syrum have said; give it 6 months or a year.

If things still remain unchanged, it would be very helpful for the both of you to move on.

The end of one relationship holds the promise of the beginning of the next relationship.

You are entitled to your own happiness. It will be painful, it will probably feel that it's more than you can handle or for him to handle... but both of you will find a way to handle it.

I wish the both of you peace and happiness in life.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Wouldn't it be wise to tell your husband about your non-intercourse ONS and see how he reacts? If he cares, he'll be hurt but he just might finally open his eyes to the ordeal you've been going through all these years. If he doesn't care, then than will speak volumes as to what your life will continue to be if you keep being married to him.


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## Closer (Jul 15, 2011)

morituri said:


> Wouldn't it be wise to tell your husband about your non-intercourse ONS and see how he reacts? If he cares, he'll be hurt but he just might finally open his eyes to the ordeal you've been going through all these years. If he doesn't care, then than will speak volumes as to what your life will continue to be if you keep being married to him.



This is quite a confrontational approach, morituri. And I can see how it might just work to get the guy to open up to change.


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## kristy80 (Jul 16, 2011)

I have been through a similar situation and i feel for you. I am 34, been married for 7 years, have a young child and a husband who has always had a lower libido than me. The warning signs were there before we got married but i stupidly thought that things would improve (I did talk to him about this before we married and he told me he wanted more sex too). But things didn't change. I ended up having an affair with a married man who was unhappy with his sex life. The sex was amazing and we had a great connection. He told me he loved me and wanted to leave his wife. However, it became clear that this wasn't going to happen and the affair ended. I was so hurt, and the pain i felt wasn't worth the pleasure he gave me while we were in the affair. Please don't have an affair - not with this guy or with anyone else. An affair will only complicate the issues. As other posters have said, you need to give the therapy a chance to work (decide on a time-frame, 6 months or 1 year). Then if you are still unhappy, think about whether you can live with this issue, or whether you want to separate and find someone who is able to fulfill all of your needs.


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## rap4_23 (Jul 5, 2011)

Awake11- 
Do not disclose the affair. Learn from it and put it behind you. No ultimatum......at least not yet. It will add too much pressure to him and the marriage and will inhibit the effort with the therapy. Also, you need not explore outside your marriage while you are trying to save it. Make the commitment and see it through. If you get to the point together where it is a deal breaker, then there will be plenty of time for that.

I am a 45 Y/O male living in the same world as you. Im married for 20 years. My wife and I have a fairly strong marriage with the only issue is her lack of communication with me. Does not share her problems until they blow. This has caused us issues on and off throughout our marriage. We have had a very strong sex life for 15 of those 20 years. She had a hystectomy 6 years ago. Shortly after that, she began to gain weight, experience uncomfort during sex and lose her sex drive drive. She also lost all intimacy and closeness. Quite frankly we live like Brother and sister. 

I am a very intimate man and have a strong sex drive. With the exception of the occasional oral sex ( 2 way) sessions, which happens rarely at my heavy prodding, there is nothing else. Not even intimate conversatios. Remember, I crave intimacy. I love my wife and want to be close to her. 

For years now, I have done research looking for help, I have begged her to speak to her Dr about help. I have asked her to seek therapy. She always says she will but never has, and I suspect never will. She now wont even discuss the topic. We have not had intercourse in 4 years. Just the occasional 2 way oral sessions roughly 1x a month give or take. 

The reason I say stay away from going outside of your marriage is that I almost made that mistake. I wound up connecting heavily with someone who became a very close confidant. We connected on what seemingly was every level. Long story short, we did not sleep together but it became very apparent where it was going and it stopped, very painfully. The emotional, intimate connection was so intense it was scarey. 

So I am still here in the same situation. I love my wife, the mother of my 2 kids and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but she has made it very clear to me that there will be no intimacy and intercourse in our marriage. I cant help but feel, OMG, I am 45 years old, and I will NEVER experience that feeling, with someone I care about...EVER again. That is terrifying and very sad. And to be honset I am very sympathetic to her problem and try to help, I do have a bit of resentment that she is completely discounting my feelings and not making 1% effort in helping the problem. 

But I made a commitment to my wife when we marriedand this is where I am.

So if you do stray, I understand what drove you there, Ive thought about it myself. Although it may start off as only physically satisfying your need, it will become emotional and will only complicate your situation. 

God I wish there was a live group thatr handles this type of stuff. It is a very delicate and damaging situation. 

Good luck buddy, your not alone


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## awake11 (Jul 5, 2011)

sorry - deleted


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I've been following this forum for a year, but your posting moved me enough to both register and to comment.

Look, I understand the feeling you are lacking with your husband, but you need to understand the act of cheating has shocked him to the core. So yes, you have lost a lot of freedom and rights here. You made the choice to cheat, and that very much is the consequence of the choice.

I do think this might be saved, but it's going to require you to lay open your soul and freedom to your husband. Basically, you're going to have to follow through on those things you promised to do when you got married.

You need to go through a long period of clear remorse for your choices. You husband's foundation of trust has been destroyed and you need to rebuild it. Try to image if he had cheated instead of you. Image the rage, hurt, loss, insecurity you would feel.

You pledged to care for this man in sickness and in health. He is now soul sick because of your cheating. Are you going to stand by him and re-honor your vows?

Be patient with him. He is going through the death of your first marriage relationship. If you can stick with him, the two of you can create the new second marriage for both of you. Realize the first one is gone. Are you woman enough to do it?

Show him he is you're #1 choice and #1 priority. 

Show him you are going to do everything you can do make him happy and to rock his world.

Show him that you realize you made a horrible choice that didn't improve anything, and you're a wiser person. You're his wife and with your new wisdom you are going to dedicate yourself to him and the marriage.

When you have a thought or feeling about cheating or the OM, reach out to your husband and do something selfless for him. This is very much part of your penance.

You sentence for cheating is to make your husbands life better. To make it beautiful and to make him feel safe again. Because right now you have destroyed his sense of safe.


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## awake11 (Jul 5, 2011)

sorry - deleted. I really appreciate all your thoughts, I surely need someone to talk it through with, but I feel like I'm disclosing too much and it could have the opposite effect if read by my husband who could easily recognise our story from the details.


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## mrcdes71 (Aug 14, 2011)

i used to belong to a forum for sexless marriages. i am almost 40 and feel the same way as you do... i am doomed forever? hard to make a decision as i too have children. we are great friends but that is now the extent as there has been no intimacy for over 4 years and before that i was lucky to have any sex every 3 to 4 months.


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## mrcdes71 (Aug 14, 2011)

mrcdes71 said:


> i used to belong to a forum for sexless marriages. i am almost 40 and feel the same way as you do... i am doomed forever? hard to make a decision as i too have children. we are great friends but that is now the extent as there has been no intimacy for over 4 years and before that i was lucky to have any sex every 3 to 4 months.


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