# Feeling like a class five moron!



## NinaB (Feb 6, 2013)

Please bear with me, this will be long. I met this man when I was 15 and even though he was a little controlling I felt it was a worthwhile trade off as long as he promised to take care of me. For the last 30+ years he has done everything "Except" take care of me. I feel like I woke up from a nightmare about 4 years ago and have been scrambling to get away from him since.

I broke my arm and he refused to get me medical attention, he refused to allow me to take our youngest son to the hospital for what turned out to be his appendix. This list is blocks long but, you get the idea, "MONSTER!" 

I had always ignored that nagging little voice in the back of my mind that said he was cheating and after all this time I never ever caught him in the act or on paper. Until a female co-worker of his knocked at the front door and introduced her 10 year old son whose father was my spouse. She said her pastor encouraged her to come and ask for my forgiveness for her sin with my husband. Husband still denies it even after DNA tests have proven it.

It was at about this time that he would take money from our joint account to work on my car. Funny thing is that my car always seemed to break down and whatever he was supposed to have had done was never really done. I had that bad deep gut intuition that he was trying to kill me via neglect. But, again I did not know how to prove this. I also noticed that our debt kept creeping higher and higher and it was always some how my fault.

Meanwhile, I was finishing my Masters degree with the overwhelming hope that I would find a decent job and move away with our remaining 3 teenage kids. I fulfilled that promise to myself and to my kids and we moved out in December of 2011. Best thing I ever did and I have a great job and love MY home, that is now bully free! We are still not divorced but, it is coming I promise you.

With me gone he proceeded to quit paying all the creditors and in fact sent them all pounding on my door. What he did not count on was my retaining an attorney to see if I could get some debt relief. The first part of this is that nearly all of the incurred debt was in his name alone so I was off the hook. 
At this time our grown son went home for a visit with his dad and was suddenly killed in a hit and run accident. Guess who paid for all of the funeral arrangements and everything else with zero help from you-know-who! It was not the "Was-band".

When we got home from burying James I had a message from my attorney saying it was urgent. She had found out that my spouse had taken out all kinds of life insurance policies on each of the kids and on me. He tried to collect the entire policy on James and the attorney blocked that. Instead I used it to pay off all our debts and bought myself a dealer certified newer car but, not before I had a full diagnostic run on the old car. My piddly $800 1986 Toyota had close to $6000 worth of work it needed. The tires were circa 1996, the oil had not been changed in 5 years and the brakes were so bad the mechanic refused to allow me to drive it off of the lot because he feared for my life. This was the car my spouse sent me cross country in to look for jobs! A car that he swore he had maintained, LIAR!

My question to all of you is what is wrong with me that I still try to be civil to this man? Am I insane? I keep trying to include him in the kids' lives and the holiday routines and it always ALWAYS ends poorly. Christmas this year was lovely until he felt the need to critique the meal, the presents and then the kids. It ended with me telling him to, "GET OFF MY LAWN BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE!" And while there was a bit of gratification in that alone, I still wonder why it is I think I am going to achieve by even being in the same room with him!

Can anybody clarify this for me?


----------



## NinaB (Feb 6, 2013)

Two more things I should add to this dirty laundry list. If I can keep my temper in check until June 2nd I will be able to file for a change of venue and force him to come to my state for every frivolous divorce contest. 
And today our youngest child who has battled the flu for the last 2 weeks went into seizures and coded. She is in ICU sleeping quietly but, when I called the monster all he could do was scream at me for calling 9-1-1 for something this stupid and "What am I a moron?"
:'(


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I really don't know why or how you can remain civil.

Do you think you don't deserve better?

Are you co-dependent, based on behavior learned from people in your life who have also been disasters?

Or maybe you think you can somehow magically create a decent father out of this guy for your kids' sake?

Either way, you need to be DONE. Nothing good is coming out of him any time soon, and he sounds like a loose cannon. 

I'm very sorry for the death of your son.


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

[

QUOTE=NinaB;1462621]Two more things I should add to this dirty laundry list. If I can keep my temper in check until June 2nd I will be able to file for a change of venue and force him to come to my state for every frivolous divorce contest. 
And today our youngest child who has battled the flu for the last 2 weeks went into seizures and coded. She is in ICU sleeping quietly but, when I called the monster all he could do was scream at me for calling 9-1-1 for something this stupid and "What am I a moron?"
:'([/QUOTE]


Wow! I am so glad you got out!

What a soap opera!
As far as why you try to involve him in ur kids lives,
Well I'm guessing u do that because ur doing ur best
for u and the kids. Maybe u feel its important to you that
They have a relationship

U think u also do it to show him how well
U are doing without him?
I say that cause I sure would!

Either way, I am stoked to read ur story
Of success! Wow!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NinaB (Feb 6, 2013)

Thank you so much I needed a little clarity and I think you provided me some. 1st I come from a long line of Codependents and I did not recognize this as a classic coda response but, you are right it is!

And I want the kids to make their own minds up about their dad. The one remaining son is finished with his dad and puts up with nothing from him! My daughter was running around trying to make her dad notice her and be proud. After today's little show she has had enough of him as well!

Calling the attorney in the morning and we are moving forward. I am so sick of being sick and putting up with a sicko :smthumbup:


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

NinaB said:


> Thank you so much I needed a little clarity and I think you provided me some. 1st I come from a long line of Codependents and I did not recognize this as a classic coda response but, you are right it is!
> 
> And I want the kids to make their own minds up about their dad. The one remaining son is finished with his dad and puts up with nothing from him! My daughter was running around trying to make her dad notice her and be proud. After today's little show she has had enough of him as well!
> 
> Calling the attorney in the morning and we are moving forward. I am so sick of being sick and putting up with a sicko :smthumbup:


Are you in therapy?


----------



## thisSux (Jan 8, 2013)

whilst the mechanics of my situation are different, i'm the one that has had to go bankrupt, partially due to my stbxw spending and partially because i allowed her to and i spent to try make her happy, i realised today after being out for 3 weeks, she will not change in the last 8 weeks i've paid the bills mortgage insurance etc now my own rent on top of that and also bought the majority of the groceries for the house. I now discover that in that time she has earnt and spent $3000 of her own money and had another $1500 off me. when I first found out i was livid and felt like I was being taken for a total idiot.

today i'm feeling more like i have a part in this that I am enabling her to behave this way and am considering how i can change my behaviour to help her to change for the better, have you considered Nina that there may be something you can do which will force him to realise how badly he is behaving and make the changes so that you are able to have a relationship as friends and parents in the future?


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

thisSux said:


> whilst the mechanics of my situation are different, i'm the one that has had to go bankrupt, partially due to my stbxw spending and partially because i allowed her to and i spent to try make her happy, i realised today after being out for 3 weeks, she will not change in the last 8 weeks i've paid the bills mortgage insurance etc now my own rent on top of that and also bought the majority of the groceries for the house. I now discover that in that time she has earnt and spent $3000 of her own money and had another $1500 off me. when I first found out i was livid and felt like I was being taken for a total idiot.
> 
> today i'm feeling more like i have a part in this that I am enabling her to behave this way and am considering how i can change my behaviour to help her to change for the better, have you considered Nina that there may be something you can do which will force him to realise how badly he is behaving and make the changes so that you are able to have a relationship as friends and parents in the future?


So, you are paying her to leave you.


----------



## thisSux (Jan 8, 2013)

Not sure where you are coming from with that Conrad, I have considered not giving her anything other than paying the mortgage, but I have 3 beautiful kids who live there for half the week and i wont see them go without


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

thisSux said:


> Not sure where you are coming from with that Conrad, I have considered not giving her anything other than paying the mortgage, but I have 3 beautiful kids who live there for half the week and i wont see them go without


Why did you move out?

If I read you correctly, you're going to permit her to make and spend 3 grand on herself AND still ensure she lives rent free - and then send additional money for her to blow on herself?

And you wonder why I asking if you're paying her to leave you?


----------



## thisSux (Jan 8, 2013)

I moved out 3 weeks ago and Yes i have allowed her to live off me, which I why I have said that i am enabling her behaviour, what I intend to try is to change the way i behave towards her in regard to money to help her behave better


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

thisSux said:


> I moved out 3 weeks ago and Yes i have allowed her to live off me, which I why I have said that i am enabling her behaviour, what I intend to try is to change the way i behave towards her in regard to money to help her behave better


Sounds like she makes plenty of money on her own.


----------



## NinaB (Feb 6, 2013)

Yes I am in therapy as are the two kids and it has helped a lot especially with the grieving process. Maybe not quite so much with the whole failed marriage aspect though. Still trying to find another therapist that can handle all our baggage.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

NinaB said:


> Yes I am in therapy as are the two kids and it has helped a lot especially with the grieving process. Maybe not quite so much with the whole failed marriage aspect though. Still trying to find another therapist that can handle all our baggage.


Anyone of these folks close to you?

Find an IFS Therapist


----------



## NinaB (Feb 6, 2013)

Thank you Conrad! I found one who is about 20 minutes south of me. The problem is that my issues and needs at this point are pretty specific as are the needs of the kids. We have taken family therapy as far as it will go for us. The biggest issue is dealing with the James' murder and I am finding that this is the elephant in the room that we cannot get help with. SERIOUSLY! There do not seem to be any therapists within a two day drive who deal with the types of emotional violence me and the kids have suffered through. So I do go to a CODA group for abused women and that helps keep me on a path toward survival. The kids go to a teen and young adult group and we limp forward looking for more help as we go along. BUT THANK YOU


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

NinaB said:


> Thank you Conrad! I found one who is about 20 minutes south of me. The problem is that my issues and needs at this point are pretty specific as are the needs of the kids. We have taken family therapy as far as it will go for us. The biggest issue is dealing with the James' murder and I am finding that this is the elephant in the room that we cannot get help with. SERIOUSLY! There do not seem to be any therapists within a two day drive who deal with the types of emotional violence me and the kids have suffered through. So I do go to a CODA group for abused women and that helps keep me on a path toward survival. The kids go to a teen and young adult group and we limp forward looking for more help as we go along. BUT THANK YOU


You're welcome.

If you look at Happy Katy's thread, you'll get an idea how this works.

That sort of therapy is very helpful.


----------



## NinaB (Feb 6, 2013)

One last comment I cannot remember who above asked if I felt that I did not deserve better. I totally know I deserve better. I am scared to death of this man. I guess I am hoping if I ease slowly away from him in a gentle and friendly way he won't explode and hurt any of us physically. Not that he has mind you, but I know what he is capable of and he scares the beejeezus out of me...so I slip further and further from his grasp. hoping that byu the time he realizes what I am doing he won't be able to hurt us anymore :sleeping:


----------



## NinaB (Feb 6, 2013)

its funny how you start thinking maybe things are not so bad, but then you try to sort it all out in writing. That is when you realize you don't need a shovel and a wheelbarrow no no no you need a Dump truck and a bulldozer!


----------



## NinaB (Feb 6, 2013)

To recap: We are not on speaking terms and I am thoroughly amazed at how calm and happy this house is without all of his BS. Everyone is just in a better state of mind.

We are working with a new therapist (2 actually) One for family issues (coda) and the other one for grieving issues. I am almost afraid to say it but, is this what normal feels like? If so I like it a lot!!!


----------

