# Need advice please



## ausfire (Sep 3, 2011)

Ok, really not how to start these out, and I just joined today, because I really dont know where else to turn to for advice. Over 3 years ago when me and my ex started dating I was 22 and she was 19. 2 months later, she became pregnant. I was there for her for the first 5 months while she was pregnant, until we told her parents. Her parents did not take it well. I was very immature then, working a part time job, living with my parents and was not going to school. I was going no where, and was scared of how I was going to support a family. So I just pretty much dropped off the face of the earth and didnt tell anyone in my family. Our son was born December of 2009 and my parents were really happy, that they had a grandson. I was less than enthused then. We went to see her and him and she wouldnt even look at me. I was still being an immature jerk and not putting my son or her first. A few months passed and in October of the next year , we all had dinner again. When I saw my son, It was then that I realized that I needed to turn my life around. I started busting my ass to do it. I dropped 100 lbs,gained my EMT and Firefighter certifications, and became a paid firefighter with a city. I voluntarily went down and signed up for child support to be taken out of my checks. I even sent extra to her when I could. She started talking to me again, and we started trying to patch things that went wrong since she could tell that I had done a complete 180 in my life and was doing my best to be there for both of them. We started dating again, and then we were engaged. To be closer to them, we moved into an apartment closer to where her job and school were, since my schedule permitted me to work a day and be off for 2. I traded in my truck for a car to commute back and forth since it was an hour and a half drive each way. We moved into our apartment and started planning for our wedding and everything was wonderful. Her parents were happy that she was trying to fix things with me, she seemed happy, and I was happy that things were starting to come together for me. Sure I had to work 3 jobs to make ends meet, but It was worth it to have a family of my own. One day she said that she could no longer be with me because she was not happy with me anymore. She still resented me for what I did, and that she didnt know if she could ever get over what had happened. She left me, took our son, and moved back in with her parents, breaking off our engagement. I moved back closer to my job, and now I get my son every other weekend. She still says she loves me. She will txt me from time to time saying she misses me, and loves me. Other times I will txt her telling her I miss her and that I just want things to work out and am willing to do anything. And she will answer back I just dont know If things will work out, or what will happen, that I dont want a relationship right now, all I can give you is friendship. She says that she wants me to wait for her, when she does graduate from school and wants a relationship again. But then she goes out on weekends to clubs and my friends see her out with her friends flirting with guys. I am so confused on what is happening right now. When I am there to get my son, she will hold my hand, kiss me when I leave, and tell me she loves me. I just dont know what to think. I have tried to sit down and talk to her about all of it, but its hard to find the words to do so. I love her more than anything, and would wait a lifetime. I know I screwed up majorly, and that I can never make up for what I did, her family finally accepts me and has forgiven me as much as they can for what happened, so have her friends. Please dont judge me on all of this, I just want to know what your thoughts and opinions are, and what should I do?


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Honestly congradulations on making that change and you should be happy about that. 

As far as the rest of it you said that both of you were happy for a while so I am not sure what went wrong. It could be things with her she is still young and maybe feels like she has not lived life. When you say you was very immature then did you mistreat her badly, have you all been having arguments or anything?


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## ausfire (Sep 3, 2011)

We started arguing towards the end, and she started pulling away from me more because as she put it everytime she was around me she resented me, and couldnt be happy when I was around, but had a really good way of hiding it because I thought everything was fine. I never treated her badly or anything, I was immature in the way I handled the situation in the beginning.


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## muppetsinspace (Sep 1, 2011)

You guys are pretty young. There is a lot in this world that she has not experienced, and she probably feels like the world is closing in around her. She needs space from you. And (this is a shot in the dark) but the resentment towards you might not be resentment about leaving, but resentment about getting her pregnant. She has to take care of a child now. As do you. Your lives just got WILDLY smaller. Possibilities that seemed endless have been reduced to few. She feels alone and she's lashing out.

As for what to do? You might ask her to go to counseling with you. You need to take an interest in her, without coddling her. You need to be strong without being oppressive. You need to be a man of patience and willpower. Tell her what you want, and make sure that she knows that you will be there. Aside from that, don't offer to "change anything" or "sacrifice anything" because those are just echoes of things that were forced on her.

And if she doesn't want you in her life, best to let her deal with things the way she is going to. People do what they want to. You cannot force her to go to counseling with you, or get back together with you, or stop resenting you. You CAN encourage and enable her to help herself, and try to get her to see WHY she has that resentment. I'm going to guess that it's not the reason she thinks.

Oh, and one other thing: YOU HAVE DONE SO MUCH TO BETTER YOURSELF. You need to make sure that you look at yourself and feel good about those changes. Because she cannot take that away from you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop beating your self up, she had made some choices of her own that haven't been cohesive to the famliy.
So as bad as your past *was* , her current behavior is also questionable. Please do not take all the blame now.

Yes resentment is a b~tch, but it also makes for a great excuse to stay single, go out with guys and leave her responsiblity at home with her perants.

She has made the easy choice to be taken care of by her parents while her son grows up with 50% of his father. Where as the hard choice would have been to struggle though lifes growing pain and keeping a new family intacked.

So again please stop beating your self up and stop begging for her and apologizing for the excuses she makes for the choices she has made. I hope that makes sence?

You are doing a great job on working on your self so do not let her dicisions define who you are. keep taking care of your self and your son. Remember you can't control her but you can control how you behave, Don't let her justify her curant behavior for your past.

Ok, man up and show her a confitent and successful man who can take care of his business. Distance your self from her until she can realy make a commitment to the family. 

You are her plan B, she has your number and she knows that no matter how many guys she is with you will always be around. Please show her the confidence in moving on with out her by distancing your self from her, but in the same breath protect your rights as a father and spend as much time as you can with your boy. Not for her put for your self and your kid, make the changes for your self, who knows she may see her plan B moving on with out her and she may think twice about her own choices.


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## muppetsinspace (Sep 1, 2011)

Amen, the_guy. Amen.


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## ausfire (Sep 3, 2011)

I appreciate the feedback. I am going to just concentrate on my son and myself, and if she comes back into the picture she does, If not oh well. I almost have her conviced to go to counseling, because If it cant save us, it can help our relationship that we have to keep friendly for the sake of our son when we do have to see each other. So we will see what happens. I hope for the best though.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

the guy said:


> Stop beating your self up, she had made some choices of her own that haven't been cohesive to the famliy.
> So as bad as your past *was* , her current behavior is also questionable. Please do not take all the blame now.
> 
> Yes resentment is a b~tch, but it also makes for a great excuse to stay single, go out with guys and leave her responsiblity at home with her perants.
> ...


Agree with "The Guy" here. 

I have a niece in a similar deal. You really did a good job to turn your life around and be a man. You were both immature when you each tangoed to make a kid. Just cause she had a baby doesn't make her mature (although you think it would). If her parents are supportive of this immaturity and theres other guys who are still digging her, of course you will be Plan B. 

I would recommend going dark on her and moving on, of course seeing your child as you should. Might not even be a bad idea to seek custody if her partying days aren't coming to an end. 

Its sad, really sad, but where u are at, you would make one hell of a catch to some other more mature woman, who would deserve the maturity that you've achieved. 

Sometimes you have to write 'em off. 

Best of luck to you.


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