# Why is it so hard to make a decision? Your thoughts please



## Isabellam (Aug 23, 2010)

So, here I am in an unhappy marriage of which you guys have heard some about. Last week I was pretty sure that things were over. I had made a decision and just needed time to get used to it. My husband and I have had so many converstations where he tells me that he doesn't have the strength to continue to work on things and fix himself too. I must say -I don't either. So, I made up my mind, why be with someone who says you make them miserable and who makes you miserable too?

Anyway, this week we had another bad conversation - he pretty much has all this anger toward me and he says I am never around because of my job - Yes, I have a demanding job, but he knew about it before we got married. He said that I cannot have the type of job I have and have a family - this is after he has told me that he may never want children. Anyway, I was pretty upset over all of this -so, I have been a bit distant. It is just so hard to think that the person you married is now making you choose between what your job and having a family (which he may or may not ever want to do anyway).

So, I was away for a few days presenting at a conference and come home to flowers and a card, it was nice, but honestly I was not super excited about it - so he gets upset because I am not over the moon over it. Well, let's back track to our last converstation - these are not things that are going to be fixed with flowers. The last time he got me flowers was after I found out he cheated on me.

He started his own personal therapy this week and the therapist told him that he had a lot of "anger" - I assume toward me. When I asked if the therapist gave him some tips to dealing with it - he just say that it will take many sessions before anything comes out of therapy.

I am doing my own individual therapy and I must say I am exhausted. I just don't know what to do anymore. It is very difficult to feel good about things when 1) my husband may never want a family (we agreed on children before we got married) 2) he doesn't want to have sex (it's been almost 2 months since I got sex as a birthday present - how pathetic) and 3) he is not accepting of my job (which btw pays the mortgage as I make twice as much as him). So, based on allt this - why is it so hard to make a decision?
I see the flowers and the look of pain in his face, and I wonder whether I am being too harsh -but honestly, I have no strength to do anything about it.

Part of me feels like I am done trying, done trying to change this, and ready to move on. I am tired of hearing myself complain to others and of people feeling sorry for me because of my unhappy sexless marriage.

Help!:scratchhead:


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Leaving a marriage is a massive decision and you’ve got to know the fundamentals of why you are doing it.

In all my big decisions in life when I was faced with a choice I’d put myself 20 years ahead in time. I visualised what the situation would be depending upon the decision I took. Then from that 20 years ahead I’d look back to try and work out which decision I was likely to regret the most if I hadn’t taken it. They say we regret more what we don’t do than what we do do.

I have never regretted any of my decisions even though in some cases my plans didn’t work out. It was crunch time for my marriage and I did the same thing. Our patterns of behaviour were set as were the dynamics between us and they were never going to change no matter how hard or long I tried. Things were truly predictable.

Because of my age I no longer look 20 years ahead it’s down to 15 now. But when I put myself ahead in 15 years time I just didn’t like one little bit what I saw, I wasn’t at all comfortable with it in any way whatsoever. So I made my decision to separate and eventually divorce. I have not for one minute regretted that decision. I get sad and upset but I’ve learnt that passes.

So why not write down what is most fundamentally important to you, make a list of what you must have out of your life. Then put yourself ahead to say you’re an 80 year old woman and look back. What’s the thing or things you would regret the most if you didn’t have them in your life?

I really hope this helps … and good luck.

Bob


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## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

That is excellent advice Bob. I think I could use that, too. Ending a marriage is the hardest decision I've every had to make.


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