# My wife wants a separaition but does not know that I know



## trapper (Sep 8, 2011)

My wife is currently in the military and on a deployment, she has been gone for a little over 2 months now, that being said I was checking up on some rental properties that we have and the monthly report is sent to of course her email, I logged in and curiosity killed the cat a few messages back and forth between her and her mother. I have not been hearing from the wife to much the past few weeks and wanted any contact possible so hoping to find out about a port or just what was going on I opened this ongoing email to find messages about how she was not "in love or attracted to me anymore" and wished she would have told me it was over before she left because she has felt like this for years. She goes on about how great I am and she worries because family and friends all love me, everyone but her. I admit this was a real kick in the ba**s, I haven’t slept or ate in days, really sucks. Her biggest hang up now is she can't figure out how to tell me, she says she doesn't want to wait until she gets back because she doesn’t feel right about me moving all our stuff in to a new house in our new base city and so on. 

I will step back a few years and start at the first time we ever had a bump in our 10 years of marriage, we met in the military she got a ride to college I got out to be the supporting husband, I am now a manager of a drilling rig and she is a dentist. Right after dental school the military took us on our first big move across the country she had just gotten out of officer training school and I just got done building a new drilling rig, we didn’t talk much for a few months but I thought it was because we were both very busy, I called, texted and emailed with very little response. So there we were, we met at my folks house where I met her at the door with a kiss that ended up being on the cheek(odd), we left there in separate cars on our journey we stopped and ate, gas, and so forth with the constant cold shoulder. Finally after hundreds of miles on the phone I got her to open up, I got the old I don't love you anymore and I'm not attracted to you anymore. I was pissed, didn't know what to do and it really hurt and I wanted to do anything to make it right, I do REALLY LOVE THIS GIRL. I needed to work out more was the big hang up I was not in the shape I was when we met, the wife is quite fit and very attractive so I figured this was fair she has kept it up and I had not I can do this. Well I got a member ship to her gym thinking we could work out together and that would be some good holism time for us to spend and it was great I got in to it I enjoyed it somehow the problem being is when at work I did not really keep it up so it was a losing battle. I work a 14/14 schedule and that is not the best work out schedule. Anyway we were happy campers on there for a year in our new town, new friends and such until it was time to move again, we were packing some stuff up and she got real odd acting for awhile and here it came the old love attraction thing, this time I was like I have been working out, in my head, I asked her what we needed to do because I don't want her to be unhappy, we discussed it for awhile and by the end of the day all was back in order. 

She was deployed 5 days after arriving at the new duty station so we decided it would be best and was encouraged to stay at my mom's house to save some money and for some quality time and such. Now I am back to the beginning of my story I don't know what to do. I can email or Face B her but I don’t want to say anything to let her know what I have read. I know that is an evil thing to check her email, I forgot she did change the passwords about a month ago but the good old smart phone still logs on with old one? But I feel somewhat betrayed now and don't really care. She always gets like this after a few months of separation and its starting to get annoying. Like said before I love her very much, we do have a bit of the nice guys finish last, Sex has never been very good thing Its always been like a chore for her. 

I am now stuck at work waiting on this phone call to tell me the fate of the rest of my life, I would love to spend the rest of my life with here but her emails to her mom kind of sound like that’s not an option. Do I give her what she is going to want or fight for what’s mine? I am bad confused. Thanks for your time.


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## trapper (Sep 8, 2011)

The more I think about this the more I think maybe this is my fault, We wed 10 years ago in a small gathering of a few close friends with no family involved when we were about twenty, we always talked of a bigger redo that everyone could attend and it never happened maybe I let her down. I have always let her have anything she wanted, I did the up on a pedestal thing, and maybe she needed to be told no now and then. I don't know. At work I’m the guy in charge in a ruff industry and at home I always made her take charge. Maybe she see’s too much wussy factor at home. The hardest thing will be waiting until Feb. for her return so we can talk face to face.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

trapper said:


> The more I think about this the more I think maybe this is my fault, We wed 10 years ago in a small gathering of a few close friends with no family involved when we were about twenty, we always talked of a bigger redo that everyone could attend and it never happened maybe I let her down. I have always let her have anything she wanted, I did the up on a pedestal thing, and maybe she needed to be told no now and then. I don't know. At work I’m the guy in charge in a ruff industry and at home I always made her take charge. Maybe she see’s too much wussy factor at home. The hardest thing will be waiting until Feb. for her return so we can talk face to face.


Married Mens Sex Life Primer - read it and implement to the hilt. Read some of the posts here on infidelity - what you are seeing is pretty typical, hence the recommendation on MMSLP.

Good luck, and sorry u are having to go through this!


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## trapper (Sep 8, 2011)

Thanks, I have never truly believed that she has cheated, I am human and jealousy has crossed my mind, that was my first question the first time she laid this on me and I got what I feel was an honest no I have never cheated statement. Trust has always been key for me. The situation for her has every opportunity and it’s kind of like a fat kid in a candy shop scenario. She is on a ship with approximately 1000 Sailors/marines aboard, clean cut, in shape, testosterone filled young men Vs. about 15 young ladies, she has told me that they wait on her hand and foot, she’s an officer that’s young and very good looking she pretty much gets her way they even call her when her special pot of coffee is ready in the morning. Life is good there, at port she has some young ladies she hangs out with but they do go everywhere in larger groups and of course everyone is a fine courteous young man, so yes the temptation is always there, we, I always felt as if the trust in our relationship was stronger. I feel now as if I should have been the take charge this is what you are going to do type person and maybe that’s what she needed. I recall a conversation about a couple we know that was about how the husband was very controlling not in an abusive way but in a take charge sort of way. My wife commented on how she felt some women need that in their lives to a certain existent, another one of those things that maybe I should have picked up on as a hint, maybe she wanted me to take more charge. all I can hope for is the best, I feel that we do need to get help to be able to communicate better and I need to not be a typical 31 year old getting out of shape and become the energetic, outgoing, take charge, manly man that she may need. She commented to her mom that she is 32 years old, no kids, no prospects and feels so free. idk. Thanks.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Trapper:

Strong denial of an affair -whether it be emotional or physical is NOT necessarily a good way to judge honesty. Honesty is something you can feel - its where their actions are congruent with their words - it leaves no doubt, in other words. Often the best indication is a gut feeling - its because words and actions aren't lining up.

If you read some of the posts in the infidelity section you will see examples of both women and men who have put on really good shows and been dishonest about their infidelities. 

I think it is very interesting (in my own experience with marriage) at what your spouse will say that in affect is telling you what they need. We often get carried away in today's PC environment and get to worried about being who we really are and can be - so these comments aren't taken seriously.

Read the primer - you will be glad you did. I was surprised about what I learned in it, and when u put it to work (I'm a recovering nice guy / beta type), it really does yield results. I must say my marriage seems to becoming stronger now (been married almost 20 years) than it ever has been - even since we were first married.

Women need security, and they want to know that we as men can provide them with that in every fashion and sense. This is why they test us constantly - to make sure we are still capable. 

Educate yourself - just in case - the military life (as I think you've indicated you have experience in) can be very hard on a marriage with the distance and time away - not to mention the temptation all around. 

You want to understand there are signs to infidelity, even in the absence of concrete proof. Most importantly, work on yourself and make yourself the man your woman would want.


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## trapper (Sep 8, 2011)

work on yourself and make yourself the man your woman would want. 

This is the advice I have given myself and the best that I have received.
I have worked away for half of our time together so out of 10 years I have been there 5 or less, this has always been a concern of mine but I had to make sure there was money in the bank so I felt like I had to do what I had to do, She always told me I could quit if I wanted but I always thought I would never be able to make ends meet, so time apart has always been part of our deal its hard at times I have been to our first and 10 anniversary, mist about every birthday and holiday more times than I can count. I always tried to make up for it by hiding things or having things delivered but it still takes its toll. I keep flip flopping around give her space and see where the ball bounces or I can't live without you I feel sorry for me. 
She sent me a message today saying thanks for the package you sent me everything is great and how I'm the best! very confusing to the already broken heart but there was still no I love you, which has never alarmed me she’s never from day one been a real p.d.a. person. Hope she calls today is all I can say but I have made up my mind to not start as a graveling fool and take off as a "man" from the get go, hit or miss, if nothing else for me and my pride, darn her. The more I think about the whole situation I keep finding places where I probably screwed the pooch, oh well all I can do is try and recover.
I would love to get these books, I am stuck in BFE for 13 more days. My luck right now.


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