# GF has asked me to move out, wants to try LAT



## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

I'm struggling. We have been together for 7 years now. We moved out of state to follow a great career opportunity for her 2 years into our relationship. That opportunity has payed huge dividends for her and she is doing amazing. Part of this move also came with the suggestion from her that I change careers, and find something I truly enjoy doing. I went back to school via Pell grants, and started working as a seasonal (summer gig) in the field I wanted to be in. After 4 years of work, I am now a full time permanent employee in that field.

During that time period, we went from living in an RV in a park, to purchasing and remodeling a beautiful condo (north of $400k). Her career makes around 3-4 times what I make. We have had a joint account since we moved to the new location, and all of our income has been dropped into that single account. She enjoys finances, so has been solely responsible for managing our money.

Everything we have purchased in the past 7 years has been in both our names. 2 trucks (my truck I purchased with cash when we first met, I put in both our names). A motorcycle (joint purchase). A second motorcycle she bought as a bday present (sold the first). And most recently, a new truck that we bought last year and paid off within 12 months.

We have also built a substantial emergency fund, around 6 months worth of her pay. When we bought the condo, the mortgage company had a special program for credit scores above 800 (5% down and no PMI). She was at 819, I was at 775. So she bought the condo in just her name. Recently she has refinanced the condo (dropping to a 15 year from a 30 year) and did not mention it to me until she was mostly finished. Our original plan was to have both of us on it. She decided to do it alone and not tell me about it.

This last week, she asked me to move out. She wants to remain a couple but live in separate locations. (We live in a rural area, there are no rentals.) My only real option is to find someone looking for a room mate, or buy another RV and find a park). The conversation started when I asked her which card I should put an emergency root canal on (scheduled for the next tuesday). She asked me if I thought she owed me. I had no idea how to respond. All I could manage is "What?". Apparently I have been living with a woman for the past 7 years that considers our finances completely separate, even though we have a shared checking account, and every dime I have made since we moved has been direct deposited into it. (And for transparency, I used to own a business before we moved and still maintain a couple of customers. I make an extra 3-6k a year from it, and it goes into a business account that runs the company. We have had many conversations over the years and she has flip flopped from expecting the money to be added to the fund, or to leave it as is. The money is mostly spent on things like dinners for us, presents for her bday, x mas, valentines etc. Its also used to pay for things like the motorcycle insurance, netflix, hulu, and other subscription services). 

Knowing all that, I am now expected to walk away with nothing. Everything we have built over the past 7 years is now "hers", and nothing is mine (except the truck we bought to replace my old truck). I am feeling a huge range of emotions, and am hoping you guys can help me filter through them and possibly gain some perspective on whats going on.

thanks in advance.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Lawyer, first and fast.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Lawyer up. She has someone else.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sorry man but she’s making room for her new boyfriend. Go online and check your phone bill if you want his number.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Sorry you are here. I think every state has its own laws, but in my state 7 years together is considered domestic partnership, and there are laws that apply to this situation in regard to properties and shared accounts. As others have mentioned, consult with a lawyer ASAP.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Take some action. See an attorney. Standing around flat footed won’t get you much.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You're not married, eh? Maybe in your state you can be considered common law. Check with an attorney.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

As has been said you must get legal advise. She can't just have everything when you have fully contributed all along. Hopefully you will be entitled to a good percentage of the assets.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She likely wants you out so she can move your replacement in.

Either way, I sure hope your name is on the mortgage/deed.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

As others have suggested, there is someone else. You're being hoodwinked. See a lawyer.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

A couple of follow ups for the replies above. No, we aren't married. Neither of the states we have lived in recognize common law marriage.

As for her having someone else, I can absolutely guarantee that is not the case.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

And this is why living together without marriage is a bad idea.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

westcoast97415 said:


> A couple of follow ups for the replies above. No, we aren't married. Neither of the states we have lived in recognize common law marriage.
> 
> As for her having someone else, I can absolutely guarantee that is not the case.


This site has some good information. 

I live in a state with no common law marriage laws. A friend recently went through this with her boyfriend of 13 years. She earned about 1/2 of what he earned. He bought the house they lived in after they were living together but she contributed to the house payments and bills. 

She sued him and long story short, the judge ruled that he was entitled to take assets and debts that were solely in his name, she was entitled to what was solely in hers, and they were ordered to divide joint assets/debts based on percentage of income over the life of their relationship (she took 1/3 and he took 2/3).


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

westcoast97415 said:


> As for her having someone else, I can absolutely guarantee that is not the case.


Could you please elaborate? Unfortunately, we have a great many people who post here swearing their partner would never cheat. Then they discover said partner has done just that.

Although you aren't in a state recognizing common law marriage, you have commingled funds. That's where you need to lawyer up NOW. You've been paying for a number of things and you have joint ownership of vehicles. Unfortunately for you, she's holding the trump card on the condo. Not on the mortgage? Then you are entitled to zip on that.. Sorry.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Diceplayer said:


> And this is why living together without marriage is a bad idea.


Absolutely.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

westcoast97415 said:


> A couple of follow ups for the replies above. No, we aren't married. Neither of the states we have lived in recognize common law marriage.
> 
> *As for her having someone else, I can absolutely guarantee that is not the case.*


Famous last words.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Diceplayer said:


> And this is why living together without marriage is a bad idea.


Not for her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I work in an industry that has a lot of females in various positions of power and financial status and have seen this a lot over the years. 

You need to familiarize yourself with the concept of hypergamy. Look it up. Youtubers Richard Cooper, Rollo Tomassi and even our own @dadstartingover have some good material about it, although real life is a lot more nuanced and not as black and white as they present it. 

A lot of women simply can’t fully accept and can even develop an actual disdain for men of lower socioeconomic status than them. 

When you were both poor, she at least saw you as an equal and if you were physically attractive to her and she saw that you were working towards bettering yourself, she saw that as acceptable.

But now 7 years later, instead of seeing you as a financial and social status asset - she sees you as a liability. 

In the wild, the mommy stays home in the nest and feeds the babies and keeps them warm and safe while the daddy goes out and risks being eaten by predators to bring home the food and nesting material. 

Unlike the others here, I don’t think she’s actively engaging with anyone else currently. If she was and he made more money than her (or at least more than you) she would’ve outright dumped your azz. 

It may be unfair and it may not be “right”, but women are often hardwired to be with men that can support and pay for them and to better their lifestyles, Not the other way around where they are supporting and benefitting the men. 

You are fighting a million years of evolution here. 

If you’re good looking and good in bed and take care of her well sexually, she may see you as a boy toy and that is why she’s saying you can still be involved but out of the house and off her dime.

That’s not necessarily a bad gig if she is still having good sex with you and you have your own place where you can do your own thing and just basically be FWBs.

You just need to be aware that you will be on borrowed time and if she finds a guy that is of higher status than you and at least close to you in looks and sexual prowess, you will get dumped cold. 

I don’t think this is about cheating. I think this is a pretty glaring example of blatant hypergamy.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now where I DO agree with the others is that you should seek legal counsel with a family law attorney. 

You may be entitled to certain financial and property rights depending on the laws and the specific financial dynamics of your home and financial and property affairs. 

We’re not lawyers and we don’t practice in your specific jurisdiction, but if you have been financially contributing to the mortgage and upkeep of the property, you may be entitled to a certain amount of the equity etc. 

....or you may not.

It may be cheaper to just walk away and consider it a life lesson.

You’ll need to see an attorney and maybe a financial advisor to determine that either way.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

westcoast97415 said:


> As for her having someone else, I can absolutely guarantee that is not the case.


I don’t know who, and I don’t know where, but someone somewhere just got another nickel.

Time for a lawyer either way.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

westcoast97415 said:


> When we bought the condo, the mortgage company had a special program for credit scores above 800 (5% down and no PMI). She was at 819, I was at 775. So she bought the condo in just her name.
> 
> Recently she has refinanced the condo (dropping to a 15 year from a 30 year) and did not mention it to me until she was mostly finished. Our original plan was to have both of us on it. She decided to do it alone and not tell me about it.
> 
> Apparently I have been living with a woman for the past 7 years that considers our finances completely separate, even though we have a shared checking account, and every dime I have made since we moved has been direct deposited into it.


This is why you need to see an attorney. 

There may be some malfeasance here.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I don’t think this is about cheating. I think this is a pretty glaring example of blatant hypergamy.


Thank you, I am unfamiliar with that term. I will start doing some reading.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> I think this is a pretty glaring example of blatant hypergamy.


Could very well be.....with the equally frequent loss of respect for the lower status male.

WestCoast, can you, without being too specific, say which field you left and to which field you found your dream job?


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

OnTheFly said:


> Could very well be.....with the equally frequent loss of respect for the lower status male.
> 
> WestCoast, can you, without being too specific, say which field you left and to which field you found your dream job?


From IT to a State agency that does natural resource protection.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

westcoast97415 said:


> Thank you, I am unfamiliar with that term. I will start doing some reading.


Do that yesterday.

You will find that you’ve made some mistakes here. 

One is you followed her into her world as her little tagalong and had her become your mentor and followed her lead instead of forging your own path. 

Next you handed your money over to her and basically relinquished your own financial autonomy and responsibility. Dumb dumb dumb dumb never do that again!!! 

Learn your lesson here. Only trust and rely on yourself with your money and never hand it over to someone else. Learn to manage your own even if you suck at it and even if you are with someone that has very good financial acumen.

Actually it’s even more important to manage your own if you are with someone that has a much higher financial acumen because then this kind of stuff happens. 

In short your need to take accountability and responsibility for YOURSELF and be determined on your own path and develop yourself to your best potential.

The woman that is right for you will want to follow you on your path, not have you tag along on her skirt strings. 

Women simply can’t admire and respect men who tag along on their skirt strings and they can’t desire men they don’t respect and admire. 

Hopefully you’ll be able to get some of those assets back.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

westcoast97415 said:


> From IT to a State agency that does natural resource protection.


A lot Earth Mommas and hippie chicks may really dig that and may want to get all wild and au naturele in the woods with you. 

But a corporate ladder-climbing chick won’t.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Can I ask a question, did she grow up poor, any financial issues or bad habits, debts in her parents marriage?

Did you initially have more money than she did? What, if anything do you know of about her financial history?

I do notice that sometimes a person that grew up poor (and it’s not limited to gender) can suddenly become worried that everyone is after their money. This happens to men, women, in relationships, marriages with children or not. It especially seems to happen when they are at their peak financially, like a switch just flicks.

It especially happens when finances have been managed and shared together and equally. It’s not usually an affair (it doesn’t sound like there is someone else). And it seems so happen overnight. The other partner is often stunned.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Can I ask a question, did she grow up poor, any financial issues or bad habits, debts in her parents marriage?
> 
> Did you initially have more money than she did? What, if anything do you know of about her financial history?
> 
> ...


We both grew up poor. We had similar finances when we met. She had just graduated college (we are both 40+). 
Side note, she had a full hysterectomy almost 2 years ago. Her father just passed, as well as her dog (both in June). She hasn't been back to work yet, she's been a bit of a mess. I don't want to completely blame the current circumstances, but I'm guessing it plays a part in it.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I could be wrong… but given she grew up in poverty, now has a lot more money than you and has had a hysterectomy… she may be fearing that you’ll leave her for someone fertile and has planned ahead for a while.

Any infidelity on your part, or attention towards other women? Female friend? If this is the case, the hysterectomy plays a huge role too.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do not move out until you have spoken to an attorney.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I won't say all, because I realize that there are some that are willing to be providers and breadwinners, I have just found that in my experience, that many women view money as "what's yours is ours and what's mine is mine"...

That may be somewhat acceptable, when a man makes a ton more than a woman, but if you reverse the dynamic, and she still has that same mindset, then a guy would be left holding the bag....

Your same scenario happened with someone I know.. They were married, he made a fraction of what she did, and there was always resentment on her part...The weird part is when they divorced, he likely could have been awarded some alimony, but felt too ashamed as a guy to investigate that option, meanwhile if the situation was reversed, she'd be taking him to the cleaners...

I wish I could give you some advice, I don't know if its that she has someone else, but my guess is she at the very least probably doesn't want to share with you anymore, and maybe wants to get some independence so that she can later perhaps entertain the prospect of someone else.. 

I'd probably just move on, but that's me...I realize that some would seek some kind of compensation or agreement...


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Don't move out until you have a lawyer advising you. If you do sell everything co-owned including the condo.

She's looking for if doesn't already have a new playmate. My bet is she does already. And someone outside the relationship is whispering in her ear.
She have any new girl friends lately, or other gfs that have recently divorced?


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> I could be wrong… but given she grew up in poverty, now has a lot more money than you and has had a hysterectomy… she may be fearing that you’ll leave her for someone fertile and has planned ahead for a while.
> 
> Any infidelity on your part, or attention towards other women? Female friend? If this is the case, the hysterectomy plays a huge role too.


No infidelity on either end. I have 2 adult children and was snipped almost 20 years ago. She never had kids, nor wanted kids.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> Don't move out until you have a lawyer advising you. If you do sell everything co-owned including the condo.
> 
> She's looking for if doesn't already have a new playmate. My bet is she does already. And someone outside the relationship is whispering in her ear.
> She have any new girl friends lately, or other gfs that have recently divorced?


Sadly, yes. My best friend from high school and his GF of 8 years recently split. The girls were really close, they were our "travel couple". He wanted to keep the house so she moved out with the agreement that he would refinance and giver her a portion of the proceeds. He decided not to after she left and he now has a new GF 10 years younger.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You are screwed & no lawyer will be able to help you regarding the condo. It's hers unless you have a writing signed by her saying it's 1/2 yours. Any money you contributed to it will be considered rent absent a writing to the contrary. Take everything that is 1/2 yours & find a new place to live. She's breaking up with you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP,
What are you thinking should be yours or half yours now that you’re breaking up?

Also, why are you so certain there’s no other man? Just curious.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

westcoast97415 said:


> Sadly, yes. My best friend from high school and his GF of 8 years recently split. The girls were really close, they were our "travel couple". He wanted to keep the house so she moved out with the agreement that he would refinance and giver her a portion of the proceeds. He decided not to after she left and he now has a new GF 10 years younger.


Your best friend is a jerk.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> OP,
> What are you thinking should be yours or half yours now that you’re breaking up?
> 
> Also, why are you so certain there’s no other man? Just curious.


I've made no claim to anything. The focus of my post was on LAT, I'm not convinced that this is a breakup.

We live in a very small community. Virtually all of our friends were developed by me. If there was another guy, she'd end up with no one. That would crush her.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Your best friend is a jerk.


VERY disappointed if the story is true.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I may be going against the general opinion here but isn’t this just another case of one partner in a relationship getting to have the career he loves while his girlfriend busts her ass in a job she may not even like, to bring in the money to pay for their lifestyle. 
This reminds me of a thread a few years ago where a guy gave up his corporate job to go back to school, then after four years he got a job at a quarter of his original salary. His wife had lost respect for him because she had married a corporate high-flyer but because he wanted to become a gardener or something she was expected to just accept it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

westcoast97415 said:


> I've made no claim to anything. The focus of my post was on LAT, I'm not convinced that this is a breakup.
> 
> We live in a very small community. Virtually all of our friends were developed by me. If there was another guy, she'd end up with no one. That would crush her.


It’s a break up. Anytime a woman tells her man to move out, it’s unquestionably a breakup and you need to prepare for that. I’d def see an attorney.
Your logic for why there’s no other man is flawed. It just doesn’t work that way. Don’t be naive. Just check up on it. It Happens when we least expect it.
Try not to let pain and other emotions stop you from protecting yourself. And please, don’t stay in limbo thinking she’s not really breaking up with you. That’s a done deal. I’m sorry.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> I may be going against the general opinion here but isn’t this just another case of one partner in a relationship getting to have the career he loves while his girlfriend busts her ass in a job she may not even like, to bring in the money to pay for their lifestyle.
> This reminds me of a thread a few years ago where a guy gave up his corporate job to go back to school, then after four years he got a job at a quarter of his original salary. His wife had lost respect for him because she had married a corporate high-flyer but because he wanted to become a gardener or something she was expected to just accept it.


She loves her job.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> It’s a break up. Anytime a woman tells her man to move out, it’s unquestionably a breakup and you need to prepare for that. I’d def see an attorney.
> Your logic for why there’s no other man is flawed. It just doesn’t work that way. Don’t be naive. Just check up on it. It Happens when we least expect it.
> Try not to let pain and other emotions stop you from protecting yourself. And please, don’t stay in limbo thinking she’s not really breaking up with you. That’s a done deal. I’m sorry.


Nope. You're dead wrong, but thanks for the opinion.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

westcoast97415 said:


> She loves her job.


What percentage of day to day expenses are you paying. What is your salary compared to hers?
I ask these questions because I think your girlfriend is maybe rethinking her life after her fathers death and maybe she’s coming to the realization that she doesn’t want to keep working for ever. The death of a family member can bring around some major issues in a persons life and she may be tired of bankrolling you’re lifestyle.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

westcoast97415 said:


> Nope. You're dead wrong, but thanks for the opinion.


I am sorry but YOU are the one with the blinders on. @Evinrude58 is right. 

This is a break up. You are being dumped. She may have tried to soften the blow and butter you up so she can take the house and bank accounts and all of your joint assets, but make no mistake - this is a bona fide dumping. 

I suspect she is dangling a carrot in your face to keep you hanging on and holding out hope while she circles her wagons and gets her financial and legal ducks in a row. You are behind the 8-ball here. 

Everyone here is urging you to lawyer up NOW!

I do not know if she is actively seeing another man at the moment - But I would bet the farm that she is seeing a LAWYER and an accountant etc and working whatever angle she can to walk away with the whole fruit basket after she gets you kicked out. 

You are getting played here and if you don't start taking immediate action to defend yourself, you ARE going to be living in a 25 year old pop up camper you got off of craigslist while she is sipping pina colodas on the beach with her new man rubbing sun tan oil all over her at a Bahama resort.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You didn't say. WHY does she say she no longer wants to live with you?

That's really odd, after living with someone for YEARS and building a life together and she suddenly doesn't want to live with you?

You know something isn't quite great about that, don't you? It doesn't bode well for the relationship.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

westcoast97415 said:


> We both grew up poor. We had similar finances when we met. She had just graduated college (we are both 40+).
> Side note, she had a full hysterectomy almost 2 years ago. Her father just passed, as well as her dog (both in June). She hasn't been back to work yet, she's been a bit of a mess. I don't want to completely blame the current circumstances, but I'm guessing it plays a part in it.



You should add your ages and include this post in your OP. It's pertinent information to help people provide you better advice. 


Was she close to her father?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I'm a bit confused. You've been together for 7 years and when your girlfriend tells you to move out you don't even ask why?


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> What percentage of day to day expenses are you paying. What is your salary compared to hers?
> I ask these questions because I think your girlfriend is maybe rethinking her life after her fathers death and maybe she’s coming to the realization that she doesn’t want to keep working for ever. The death of a family member can bring around some major issues in a persons life and she may be tired of bankrolling you’re lifestyle.


I pay half the expenses.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> I do not know if she is actively seeing another man at the moment -


Right now I am the only one here that is not 100% \ convinced that there is another man that she is actually banging at this exact moment. I think this is a case of hypergamy and she is clearing her slate so she can upgrade. 

But I will say this - if she is not actively engaged with another man this morning,,, she will be by this coming up weekend. 

I think Kevin From Sales or Steve From Accounting has been giving her the eye and dropping some flirts and innuendos or maybe even made a hard offer and she is getting ready to monkey branch within the next few days. 

That is what I'd put most of my money on at the moment. 

The other thing I'd put money on is this is some kind of Eat Pray Love event and she is just making a break with the past to make way for the new. 

She's a middle age woman with no kids, no marriage, a well paying career and no other life obligations other than show up to work on time and pay bills. She's been there done that will you and she's now starting to see you as a liability to her future plans and objectives and so she's cutting you loose. Good by Yesterday, hello Tomorrow. 

I'm sorry but either scenario leaves you in the RV park. 

Stop quibbling about her dead relatives or whether she is boinking some other dude and starting calling a lawyer and start getting your legal and financial ducks in a row. You are about to be taken for a ride here.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Lila said:


> You should add your ages and include this post in your OP. It's pertinent information to help people provide you better advice.
> 
> 
> Was she close to her father?


Yes


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

westcoast97415 said:


> Nope. You're dead wrong, but thanks for the opinion.


Well I do hope it works out well for you. The problem is, after 7 years you get told to move out for no apparent reason. 
You’ve allowed yourself to be put in a poor position. All I suggest is a visit to an attorney and some checking up on a boyfriend so you’ll get a better picture where you’re at and why.
I hope I’m wrong.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Well I do hope it works out well for you. The problem is, after 7 years you get told to move out for no apparent reason.
> You’ve allowed yourself to be put in a poor position. All I suggest is a visit to an attorney and some checking up on a boyfriend so you’ll get a better picture where you’re at and why.
> I hope I’m wrong.


You're not wrong.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Typical breakup. They never want to tell you the truth that it’s over. Most like you will keep yourself hanging on and living on hopium. Sorry.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

(Side Note: This will be interesting to see how this plays out legally/financially. Every year thousands upon thousands of women are in similar situations and when they take legal action, there often is some sort of settlement with resource and property distribution and some times even some kind of partner-support for a period of time. 

It will be interesting to see how the lawyers and courts handle this case with a man in this situation. Double standards do exist in the world. The judge may just kind of chuckle at him and tell him to pick up a side hustle until he can afford a new place )


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

westcoast97415 said:


> Yes


Okay. Makes more sense. She's a high earning woman in her mid-40s with no children of her own who just lost her beloved father and her pet (a.k.a fur-baby). I think @Andy1001 is right. This sounds like a life re-evaluation situation and needs space. She may eventually break up with you or want you to move back in, but in the meantime, you do need to speak to a lawyer about splitting the jointly owned assets/debts.

Have you opened up your own personal bank account yet? What about credit cards and medical/dental insurance? You'll need your own accounts set-up as soon as possible regardless if you do LAT or break up.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> (Side Note: This will be interesting to see how this plays out legally/financially. *Every year thousands upon thousands of women are in similar situations and when they take legal action, there often is some sort of settlement with resource and property distribution and some times even some kind of partner-support for a period of time. *
> 
> It will be interesting to see how the lawyers and courts handle this case with a man in this situation. Double standards do exist in the world. The judge may just kind of chuckle at him and tell him to pick up a side hustle until he can afford a new place )


I posted this earlier. My state does not recognize common law relationships. The woman I know who was in a similar situation as OP walked away with what she solely owned and a percentage of joint assets/debts in accordance to her average income over the years they were together. 

Non-married individuals with no shared children are considered business partnerships in the courts. Unless there are witnesses saying otherwise, if it's not on paper, it doesn't exist.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Lila said:


> Okay. Makes more sense. She's a high earning woman in her mid-40s with no children of her own who just lost her beloved father and her pet (a.k.a fur-baby). I think @Andy1001 is right. This sounds like a life re-evaluation situation and needs space. She may eventually break up with you or want you to move back in, but in the meantime, you do need to speak to a lawyer about splitting the jointly owned assets/debts.
> 
> Have you opened up your own personal bank account yet? What about credit cards and medical/dental insurance? You'll need your own accounts set-up as soon as possible regardless if you do LAT or break up.


I have always had a personal account, just unused. We have no debt outside of the condo. I have my own medical/dental/vision (which is vastly better than hers, and costs almost nothing, she's also a state employee. Over the years we planned to prove a domestic partnership to the state to add her to my insurance). We have about 6-7 joint credit cards as well.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

westcoast97415 said:


> I've made no claim to anything. The focus of my post was on LAT, I'm not convinced that this is a breakup.
> 
> We live in a very small community. Virtually all of our friends were developed by me. If there was another guy, she'd end up with no one. That would crush her.


In your position I would say that you can't see any point in the relationship going backwards so if she wants you to move out that's it. The relationship is over. However don't go anywhere till you have got legal advice.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

westcoast97415 said:


> I have always had a personal account, just unused. We have no debt outside of the condo. I have my own medical/dental/vision (which is vastly better than hers, and costs almost nothing, shes also a state employee). We have about 6-7 joint credit cards as well.


Excellent.

Are you using the personal account now to deposit your paychecks?

I'm assuming since you said you had no debt that there is nothing owed on those 6 credit cards. Who is the primary credit card holder on each of those cards?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Only she knows whether this is meant to be a breakup but treat it as one for now.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Lila said:


> I posted this earlier. My state does not recognize common law relationships. The woman I know who was in a similar situation as OP walked away with what she solely owned and a percentage of joint assets/debts in accordance to her average income over the years they were together.
> 
> Non-married individuals with no shared children are considered business partnerships in the courts. Unless there are witnesses saying otherwise, if it's not on paper, it doesn't exist.


my point is, women rarely walk away from a court action completely empty handed in these situations. They may not get a full split or substantial spousal support, but they don’t walk away with just the clothes on her back. 

But a man might.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> In your position I would say that you can't see any point in the relationship going backwards so if she wants you to move out that's it. The relationship is over. However don't go anywhere till you have got legal advice.


That just goes back to LAT. I've been reading up on it as well. I'm fairly confident that she is actually wanting to do this. She also recognizes that it could be months until I am able to find a place. She sent me a podcast to watch from a couple of counselors that go through the process of successfully LAT. One interesting aspect of the podcast was that every couple gave up their main home to both find living arrangements that were "equal". Our conversations regarding the issue haven't gotten to that point yet, so it will be interesting to see just how serious she is about it. They also recommend only doing this with the guidance of a counsellor.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

For those of you suggesting this may not be a break up, what would you call it?

Relationships rarely go backwards and continue to be relationships. 

If she is severing all financial and domestic ties and is booting him out of the house but still calls him up when she’s lonely in the middle of the night - that is a booty call. 

(I’m all for booty calls, but let’s not pretend that they will still be a real couple)


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> my point is, women rarely walk away from a court action completely empty handed in these situations. They may not get a full split or substantial spousal support, but they don’t walk away with just the clothes on her back.
> 
> But a man might.


Do you know women who were in the same position as the OP who walked away with more than they were entitled to? 

Do you know men who were in the OPs position but on the other side and had to give up more than they was their due to a woman they lives with?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Denial and hopium always run strong in these situations.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What is her reasoning — if any — behind wanting to try LAT?


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Livvie said:


> You didn't say. WHY does she say she no longer wants to live with you?
> 
> That's really odd, after living with someone for YEARS and building a life together and she suddenly doesn't want to live with you?
> 
> You know something isn't quite great about that, don't you? It doesn't bode well for the relationship.


Honestly, the reasoning was not rational, nor were the examples she was providing. Her rational is that I am ungrateful for our current situation, even though I continually show gratitude in many different ways over the oppertunity to go back to school, nail down a great job that has a ton of upside etc.. Her verbiage over the past year has changed from "Ours" to "mine" in a lot of cases (the refinance on the condo being part of that change). Just last May we purchased a new truck together, and she referred to it as "ours". Since her puppy passed (her first dog ever, btw) and then her dad. And then her best friends dad (covid) and then her best friend from grade school lost her husband to covid (all this in the past 6 months).

The real indicator for me was last year when George Floydd was killed. She missed 3 days of work over that, and was on the couch doing nothing (she is VERY active, and hates being on the couch). That makes me lean back towards hormones/hysterectomy, and they are still playing around with her meds (shes an RN).


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

westcoast97415 said:


> That just goes back to LAT. I've been reading up on it as well. I'm fairly confident that she is actually wanting to do this. She also recognizes that it could be months until I am able to find a place. She sent me a podcast to watch from a couple of counselors that go through the process of successfully LAT. One interesting aspect of the podcast was that every couple gave up their main home to both find living arrangements that were "equal". Our conversations regarding the issue haven't gotten to that point yet, so it will be interesting to see just how serious she is about it. They also recommend only doing this with the guidance of a counsellor.


You said you have adult children.

If one of them came to you and said the person they have been living with for 7 was kicking them out of the house but telling them that they can LAT 

- what would you advise them???

What would you say to your daughter if her partner was cutting her off and kicking her out of the house but she could still come over in the middle of the night for some d1ck, what would you tell her??


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

westcoast97415 said:


> Honestly, the reasoning was not rational, nor were the examples she was providing. Her rational is that I am ungrateful for our current situation, even though I continually show gratitude in many different ways over the oppertunity to go back to school, nail down a great job that has a ton of upside etc.. Her verbiage over the past year has changed from "Ours" to "mine" in a lot of cases (the refinance on the condo being part of that change). Just last May we purchased a new truck together, and she referred to it as "ours". Since her puppy passed (her first dog ever, btw) and then her dad. And then her best friends dad (covid) and then her best friend from grade school lost her husband to covid (all this in the past 6 months).
> 
> The real indicator for me was last year when George Floydd was killed. She missed 3 days of work over that, and was on the couch doing nothing (she is VERY active, and hates being on the couch). That makes me learn back towards hormones/hysterectomy, and they are still playing around with her meds (shes an RN).


Bud, any excuse will do.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Lila said:


> Excellent.
> 
> Are you using the personal account now to deposit your paychecks?
> 
> I'm assuming since you said you had no debt that there is nothing owed on those 6 credit cards. Who is the primary credit card holder on each of those cards?


No, paychecks are still being deposited just like they always have. This just happened last weekend. We are months away from actually doing anything about me moving out. Half the cards are mine, half are hers. Nothing owed on any, other then normal spending that we do for points and pay off each month.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

westcoast97415 said:


> That just goes back to LAT. I've been reading up on it as well. I'm fairly confident that she is actually wanting to do this. She also recognizes that it could be months until I am able to find a place. She sent me a podcast to watch from a couple of counselors that go through the process of successfully LAT. *One interesting aspect of the podcast was that every couple gave up their main home to both find living arrangements that were "equal"*. Our conversations regarding the issue haven't gotten to that point yet, so it will be interesting to see just how serious she is about it. They also recommend only doing this with the guidance of a counsellor.


Why does it matter that both partners have to find "equal" living arrangements? 

The whole point of LAT is to enjoy the company is a committed partner without having to compromise on external factors such as living arrangements, personal space, or money handling.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Lila said:


> Do you know women who were in the same position as the OP who walked away with more than they were entitled to?
> 
> Do you know men who were in the OPs position but on the other side and had to give up more than they was their due to a woman they lives with?


We’ll see how this plays out. 

Family law is often geared towards making sure mothers and children aren’t kicked out into the street with nothing and no support. 

The courts don’t really care about single men. They may just tell him too bad so sad, get another job.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

westcoast97415 said:


> She wants to remain a couple but live in separate locations. (We live in a rural area, there are no rentals.) My only real option is to find someone looking for a room mate, or buy another RV and find a park).


My suggestion is to look at the Grand Design or Keystone line of RVs. If your truck can handle the pin weight, and is diesel powered, a fifth wheel may be the way to go. Make sure you a do complete walk through before leaving the dealer's lot.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Lila said:


> The whole point of LAT is to enjoy the company is a committed partner without having to compromise on external factors such as living arrangements, personal space, or money handling.


But you do have to look at the genders involved. 

Sure, a guy may try to wrangle for what essentially amounts to a booty call situation where he doesn’t have to pay for anything but still gets the poon. 

But if a woman is terminating the domestic, financial relationship and is kicking him out of the house, that is a break up.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

westcoast97415 said:


> No, paychecks are still being deposited just like they always have. This just happened last weekend. We are months away from actually doing anything about me moving out. Half the cards are mine, half are hers. Nothing owed on any, other then normal spending that we do for points and pay off each month.


You need to start putting your money into your personal account. You also need to take her name off of your credit cards and take yours off of hers. This may or may not be a break up but you need to definitely separate your finances, especially with a LAT where a break up is very easy to do. 

Is she willing to co-sign on a lease or mortgage (or wherever you decide to move to)? If not, this is another reason why you need to start building up your personal account funds with your paychecks.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

VladDracul said:


> My suggestion is to look at the Grand Design or Keystone line of RVs. If your truck can handle the pin weight, and is diesel powered, a fifth wheel may be the way to go. Make sure you a complete walk through before leaving the dealer's lot.


I’d recommend a cargo van you can stand up in like a Sprinter or Transit or Promaster. A lot easier to park and maneuver and a lot more access to areas other than designated campgrounds and even parks.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> But you do have to look at the genders involved.
> 
> Sure, a guy may try to wrangle for what essentially amounts to a booty call situation where he doesn’t have to pay for anything but still gets the poon.
> 
> But if a woman is terminating the domestic, financial relationship and is kicking him out of the house, that is a break up.


Honestly, I don't care about her intentions. I am providing the OP advice based on the facts. He's going to have to move out in a couple of months and regardless his situation (breakup up or LAT) he needs to start taking steps to separate finances and for a future based solely on his income and spending habits.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

westcoast97415 said:


> She asked me if I thought she owed me


This seems to be an odd response to your question. It seems clear that she has been contributing more financially to the relationship. While you were going to school, did you bring in any income? Did you have to pay child support while with her? Were you only working seasonally until recently? Do you have to pay back any of the Pell grants?

It might be a good idea to put pen to paper and figure out just how much you have contributed financially before you talk to an attorney.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> We’ll see how this plays out.
> 
> Family law is often geared towards making sure mothers and children aren’t kicked out into the street with nothing and no support.


True, but there are no children involved in this case. He's got grown kids from his first marriage but the OP and his girlfriend do not have any together. 



> The courts don’t really care about single men. They may just tell him too bad so sad, get another job.


Why would he need to get another job? He's got one he likes. He may have to adjust his lifestyle but that's what happens when people who live together break up. It happens every day.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The fact that she put the condo in her name only when it was going to be in both names tells you she has been planning this for awhile. It doesn't look good for the OP.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> Do not move out until you have spoken to an attorney.


This right here^^^, most states have an eviction process if both parties contribute to the household bills. If the property is just in her name she would have to evict you, relationships don't matter.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Openminded said:


> What is her reasoning — if any — behind wanting to try LAT?


There is a good amount of success for couples that struggle with a litany of issues and go the LAT route. It comes with a contract, expectations, a plan and an end date.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> This seems to be an odd response to your question. It seems clear that she has been contributing more financially to the relationship. While you were going to school, did you bring in any income? Did you have to pay child support while with her? Were you only working seasonally until recently? Do you have to pay back any of the Pell grants?
> 
> It might be a good idea to put pen to paper and figure out just how much you have contributed financially before you talk to an attorney.


Since the move I have been working both seasonally (usually 4-6 months full time) as well as working my couple of clients on the side.

Both my kids are adults. No child support.
Pell grants are free money.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do you and your partner have a litany of issues?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

westcoast97415 said:


> There is a good amount of success for couples that struggle with a litany of issues and go the LAT route. It comes with a contract, expectations, a plan and an end date.


This is interesting. I never knew there was a contract involved with LAT. What sorts of conditions are included? 

Honestly this sounds like ethical non-monogamy contracts. Are you two ENM?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I believe there’s colossal context here that OP hasn’t contributed. Otherwise he wouldn’t even be considering this as a continued relationship since he is getting booted, although the boot is not steel toed.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Lila said:


> You need to start putting your money into your personal account. You also need to take her name off of your credit cards and take yours off of hers. This may or may not be a break up but you need to definitely separate your finances, especially with a LAT where a break up is very easy to do.
> 
> Is she willing to co-sign on a lease or mortgage (or wherever you decide to move to)? If not, this is another reason why you need to start building up your personal account funds with your paychecks.


Agreed. This is a conversation that we haven’t had yet. She’s been gone since Thursday and gets back tonight. We plan to start discussing specifics then.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Lila said:


> This is interesting. I never knew there was a contract involved with LAT. What sorts of conditions are included?
> 
> Honestly this sounds like ethical non-monogamy contracts. Are you two ENM?


#1. Monogamy. No new male/female friends during the contract. It also goes on to detail contact, date nights, detail sexual expectations etc.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

westcoast97415 said:


> Nope. You're dead wrong, but thanks for the opinion.


Hmm...I have to agree with Evinrude. Something similar just happened to a gf of mine...her bf moved out without talking to her about it. Gave her the same ******** about how they can still date.

Fortunately she knows that what it means is he's going to explore other options but keep her on the hook in case he can't do better. I suspect something similar here. So I suppose it's not technically a break up, but.....

Jerk even thought he'd keep a house key...was shocked when she told him to give it back because he won't be coming over. She's going to change the locks anyway

As for your situation, this is why judges don't like it when unmarried people mix finances. At least when you're married there are laws surrounding what constitutes marital assets.

Definitely speak to a lawyer about this. You know what you've contributed, so what do you think a fair split looks like?


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Do you and your partner have a litany of issues?


That’s the million dollar question. If you’d asked me that 2 weeks ago, I’d say we have the same silly arguments like every other couple, but outside of that have an amazing relationship.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

westcoast97415 said:


> #1. Monogamy. No new male/female friends during the contract. It also goes on to detail contact, date nights, detail sexual expectations etc.


So what happens if one of you breaks the contract rules? You break up? 

Going to be honest, it all sounds so clinical and unemotional. People who want to be with each other do not need a contract detailing contact, date nights, sexual expectations and such.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

westcoast97415 said:


> #1. Monogamy. No new male/female friends during the contract. It also goes on to detail contact, date nights, detail sexual expectations etc.


What is the point if it? if you cant live together then there seems little point in going backwards.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

Having you move out is indeed a move toward ending the relationship. I think you should talk to a lawyer and maybe get some counseling. We are just hearing your side of this and you do indeed need to protect yourself. I feel like her comment of you being ungrateful has some more to it. Before you agree to anything, I feel you need to talk A LOT. Many people have had a time of massive reflection during this pandemic. The idea of mortality and her loss could have triggered many things, however her pushing you away when you could both work together to make things better is counterintuitive. A couple should in my opinion see themselves as US.. she is moving this even more into you and me and not US. I feel that nothing about the relationship can be repaired if things are so separate.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Isn't LAT usually something people do right from the start? They NEVER live together.

If you have been living with someone for years and they suddenly want you to move out, it's called a separation.

Different pieces of fruit: a couple that decided to never live together v. a couple that lived together for years and now one wants the other to GTFO.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I believe there’s colossal context here that OP hasn’t contributed. Otherwise he wouldn’t even be considering this as a continued relationship since he is getting booted, although the boot is not steel toed.


Nope. Other then basic details, I've not held anything big back.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> What is the point if it? if you cant live together then there seems little point in going backwards.


It's becoming more and more common. LAT is used to spend time alone without sacrificing the relationship and basically "healing", which is why there is a predetermined end date. Finding out what you need or want from yourself and your partner.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Isn't LAT usually something people do right from the start? They NEVER live together.
> 
> If you have been living with someone for years and they suddenly want you to move out, it's called a separation.
> 
> Different pieces of fruit: a couple that decided to never live together v. a couple that lived together for years and now one wants the other to GTFO.


That isn't completely accurate. Counselors use it as a tool for marriages that are having issues. Here is a good podcast to listen to if interested.









Pros and Cons of Living Apart Together While Married


Living Apart Together arrangements vary; for the sake of this article, the focus is on married couples who choose to live apart.




www.thatorganicmom.com


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

So...you were unaware your relationship was having such huge issues?


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Livvie said:


> So...you were unaware your relationship was having such huge issues?


I would say that is part of the problem. Define "huge". Over the past few years she has brought up her feelings that I do not show enough gratitude for her "taking care of me", as she puts it. Like other couples, we have goals in the 1, 3, 5 and 10 year categories. One of the goals was that I work towards full time permanent employment in my field of choice. I worked my ass off to accomplish that, and did it about 3 years faster then most people trying to break into the same field.

Whenever the "gratitude" conversation comes up, I try to giver her examples of when I have shown her gratitude for this opportunity. She constantly reminds me that she doesn't remember specifics, just her "feelings". Another issue she's brought up is quality time together. We do almost everything together (except running. I hate running. I'll go on a hike or a long walk, but I cannot stand running, so she runs with our friends who love it, and I talk my puppy for a walk most of the time with them). When I start asking specifics on what quality time means to her, she responded with "you don't seem happy when we spend time together, so its not quality time".


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

westcoast97415 said:


> It's becoming more and more common. LAT is used to spend time alone without sacrificing the relationship and basically "healing", which is why there is a predetermined end date. Finding out what you need or want from yourself and your partner.


Just going by experience in my own life and by many stories I’ve read here, when one member of a coupe wants a separation and the other feels totally surprised and thought the relationship is going good—- it’s because another person has entered the mind of the SO that wants the separation.
And you are unwilling to check into that. Usually there’s a reason for that, too. Someone is scared of whAt they’ll find.

Your SO is not only wanting you to leave, she is making zero effort to be equitable about the split.

You are being extremely naive if you don’t make any effort to discover an ulterior motive for this and try to protect yourself. 

I had some good advice once and will pass it to you: Once this stuff starts, it doesn’t ever get better.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Just going by experience in my own life and by many stories I’ve read here, when one member of a coupe wants a separation and the other feels totally surprised and thought the relationship is going good—- it’s because another person has entered the mind of the SO that wants the separation.
> And you are unwilling to check into that. Usually there’s a reason for that, too. Someone is scared of whAt they’ll find.
> 
> Your SO is not only wanting you to leave, she is making zero effort to be equitable about the split.
> ...


There are approx. 4 million couples in the US that would completely disagree with that.

Believe me, I get what you're saying. I had a 17 year marriage. I know how it works. Your line of reasoning does not apply to this situation, at all.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

westcoast97415 said:


> There is a good amount of success for couples that struggle with a litany of issues and go the LAT route. It comes with a contract, expectations, a plan and an end date.


That sounds like a whole lot of work and hoops and hurdles for someone that doesn’t want to be with you and is kicking you out of the house. 

At the moment you are clinging to whatever thin threads of hope that you can. I’m not knocking you, we’ve all been there done that. 

But to come up with a laundry list of rules and regulations and conditions to see someone that that is essentially giving you walking papers is spitting in the wind. 

Like I said, we’ve all BTDT. Today it is separating bank accounts and credit cards and moving out of the house. Tomorrow it will be don’t come by the house unannounced. A few days or a week later it will be don’t call except for between 2-6 pm on Tuesdays and Thursday’s and soon after that it will be don’t call me, I’ll call you...... and for me it’s been 30 years and I still haven’t got that call. 

People often try to soften the blow and to be fair, there is probably a part of her that’s afraid to make the final cut as well. 

But the point here is this a chain of events that is leading to the end.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@westcoast97415 you never answered my question - what happens if one of you breaks a condition of the contract?


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

It's often said that once a couple decide to go to marriage counselling, it's usually too late. 

I'd add LAT to that also, if the couple lived as a defacto married couple and then LAT is sprung by one person, it's probably too late.

Good luck.


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## TheHappyGuy (Aug 27, 2012)

Didn't you say she is away for a few days? Is this a work trip? Does she have to travel for work on a regular basis and if so, does she always go to the same place?


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Lila said:


> @westcoast97415 you never answered my question - what happens if one of you breaks a condition of the contract?


If it is rule #1, then that would be the end of the relationship. Other rules, it's a discussion.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

TheHappyGuy said:


> Didn't you say she is away for a few days? Is this a work trip? Does she have to travel for work on a regular basis and if so, does she always go to the same place?


She is with her siblings clearing out her recently departed fathers storage units. No to everything else.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

westcoast97415 said:


> It's becoming more and more common. LAT is used to spend time alone without sacrificing the relationship and basically "healing", which is why there is a predetermined end date. Finding out what you need or want from yourself and your partner.


I certainly wouldn't wait around for months or years till my partner decided if he wanted me or not. 
You say it's common but I have never known anyone do it. Plus you have no where else to go.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

westcoast97415 said:


> That’s the million dollar question. If you’d asked me that 2 weeks ago, I’d say we have the same silly arguments like every other couple, but outside of that have an amazing relationship.


And that’s why it sounds more like a breakup to me than LAT. Unless she just Is incapable of communicating. But an amazing relationship? No.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I certainly wouldn't wait around for months or years till my partner decided if he wanted me or not.
> You say it's common but I have never known anyone do it. Plus you have no where else to go.


I didn't say it was common, I said its becoming common. Via the last census, there are approx.. 4 million married couples LAT in the US.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Openminded said:


> And that’s why it sounds more like a breakup to me than LAT. Unless she just Is incapable of communicating. But an amazing relationship? No.


She struggles with clear concise communication (word salad, thyroid/parathyroid issues). I'm still leaning towards this being an issue with her meds/hysterectomy than anything else. The discussions the last 6 months+ are a complete 180 from what we have discussed and planned over the past 7 years. Some of her actions over the past year tell me she's struggling emotionally.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Agree with with a lot of what's said here, the fact that she doesn't want an equitable split is fair indication she views you as a sponger, only you know the truth of that. But it's brutal if you're telling the whole story and you should do as suggested and lawyer up and salvage what you can, this relationship looks done im sorry to say


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

westcoast97415 said:


> It's becoming more and more common. LAT is used to spend time alone without sacrificing the relationship and basically "healing", which is why there is a predetermined end date. Finding out what you need or want from yourself and your partner.


That makes it sound like a regular separation in a dysfunctional marriage. The “try-to-see-if-we-miss-each-other” sort of thing. Those tend not to work because, contract or not, they’re usually an excuse to try someone else out. Just don’t hang all your hopes on this. Look out for you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

westcoast97415 said:


> I didn't say it was common, I said its becoming common. Via the last census, there are approx.. 4 million married couples LAT in the US.


How sad that is that people cant even live with their partner any more.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

westcoast97415 said:


> She struggles with clear concise communication (word salad, thyroid/parathyroid issues). I'm still leaning towards this being an issue with her meds/hysterectomy than anything else. The discussions the last 6 months+ are a complete 180 from what we have discussed and planned over the past 7 years. Some of her actions over the past year tell me she's struggling emotionally.


Is she on HRT?


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Is she on HRT?


I assume that is the hormone meds from having a hysterectomy? Yes, they have been playing with the dosage for almost 2 years.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It’s very very unusual for someone to ask the other partner to move out. Usually when someone wants out, they up and go first.

So have you told her no, or cried and pleaded, disagreed? Asked her why?? Being ungrateful is a strange reason to ask a partner to leave. To summarise, you’ve agreed with her?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

westcoast97415 said:


> I assume that is the hormone meds from having a hysterectomy? Yes, they have been playing with the dosage for almost 2 years.


Ok so she isn't going through the menopause.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Luckylucky said:


> It’s very very unusual for someone to ask the other partner to move out. Usually when someone wants out, they up and go first.
> 
> So have you told her no, or cried and pleaded, disagreed? Asked her why?? Being ungrateful is a strange reason to ask a partner to leave. To summarise, you’ve agreed with her?


The house is in her name is she isn't going to leave.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

westcoast97415 said:


> There is a good amount of success for couples that struggle with a litany of issues and go the LAT route. *It comes with a contract, expectations, a plan and an end date.*



Sounds lovely.....lol

I dunno, pal...

Women 180 all the time...It's really not that rare and nothing anyone should use to hold out hope...if that is the goal....It's often said that many women reach a emotional threshold, then there is literally no turning back...They can treat you almost as a stranger at that point...

The more I read, and the more I hear you say she claims you "didn't show gratitude", that was a smokescreen...I am thinking that she saw you as some kind of free loader..I know women are now in many cases making more money than their male partners, but I know that a lot of women see that as a huge weakness in a man when he isn't at least matching her effort....My guess is she saw that you seemed too comfortable in the situation....I dunno...admittedly just guesses..

I know you say she is an RN...I know a lot of nurses get googly eyed for the physicians and surgeons they work with...Could she have her eye on one??


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

hamadryad said:


> I know you say she is an RN...I know a lot of nurses get googly eyed for the physicians and surgeons they work with...Could she have her eye on one??


.

Valid point… my friend is an RN and can’t stand her husband and has been telling me for years she wants to leave him. The excuses don’t add up, we think he’s the better half. I must drop into the conversation something about doctors and surgeons. She does chat a lot about her male patients though!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

westcoast97415 said:


> I'm struggling. We have been together for 7 years now. We moved out of state to follow a great career opportunity for her 2 years into our relationship.
> 
> ......This last week, she asked me to move out. She wants to remain a couple but live in separate locations.
> 
> ...


This has got to hurt. However, you either look on the bright side or not. You don't have a lot of children together, nor will you owe her any alimony. 

Consider yourself lucky. She wants a separation not a divorce, although that is quite likely given everything. 

Figure out what you need to do to live a happy satisfying life and make it happen.

Good luck. If she comes back around, great, if not, even better.

You only get one chance at life, you might as well live it to the fullest.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't see the point in having a contract for LATs who aren't married. If y'all were into contracts, you would have gotten married.

The best thing you can do is to watch her actions. Forget what she says.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Op is in the dark on something. 💯 % guaranteed. It will shows its ugly head within 2 months of the beginning of the LAT thing.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> This has got to hurt. However, you either look on the bright side or not. You don't have a lot of children together, nor will you owe her any alimony.
> 
> Consider yourself lucky. She wants a separation not a divorce, although that is quite likely given everything.
> 
> ...


You'd have to be married to get divorced.

OP hasn't said what 'typical' things they argue about. He hasn't answered the question about how he's calculating 1/2 of the expenses.
She seems to be frustrated and her question about owing him is a telling one.

In addition, I'd ask why they never go married. Did he ever ask? Did she ever ask? Have they discussed it.
I know many women who have become resentful because their guy in the beginning of the relationship made it seem like they were looking for the whole nine yards but 5 years later they are 'together' they may or may not have a kid but he's still dragging his feet on marriage. This leads to resentment. 

I have no idea if this is at play in their relationship. But she has recently lost her uterus, her dad and she's at an age that makes you look back and makes you look forward. It seems perfectly reasonable that she is looking forward and she's decided this isn't what she wants. It's also not a stretch that if she has wanted to get married and he hasn't come along, she's done. 

Op what have you and her conversations about commitment been like? What 'issues' does your relationship have that LAT is going to fix?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Diceplayer said:


> And this is why living together without marriage is a bad idea.


Mostly you're right, but if a couple is splitting the rent and not making joint purchases they can avoid what TS is in right now.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I have the feeling the feeling WestCoasty is the top contender for the gold medal in both Mental Gynastics as well as the Denial Olympics. 

But we’ve all been there. He will see the light too in time. Hopefully it will be before he really does have to take up residence in the RV park.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Op is in the dark on something. 💯 % guaranteed. It will shows its ugly head within 2 months of the beginning of the LAT thing.


2 months??? 

I was thinking maybe by next weekend if his head is really buried in the sand.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

westcoast97415 said:


> I would say that is part of the problem. Define "huge". Over the past few years she has brought up her feelings that I do not show enough gratitude for her "taking care of me", as she puts it. Like other couples, we have goals in the 1, 3, 5 and 10 year categories. One of the goals was that I work towards full time permanent employment in my field of choice. I worked my ass off to accomplish that, and did it about 3 years faster then most people trying to break into the same field.
> 
> Whenever the "gratitude" conversation comes up, I try to giver her examples of when I have shown her gratitude for this opportunity. She constantly reminds me that she doesn't remember specifics, just her "feelings". Another issue she's brought up is quality time together. We do almost everything together (except running. I hate running. I'll go on a hike or a long walk, but I cannot stand running, so she runs with our friends who love it, and I talk my puppy for a walk most of the time with them). When I start asking specifics on what quality time means to her, she responded with "you don't seem happy when we spend time together, so its not quality time".


This sounds to me like she is re-writing your relationship history -- and THAT is not a good sign (it is in fact a huge red-flag).

You DO need to consult a lawyer, just to find out information about how this would all work for you.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

LAT as a way to save a relationship because somebody needs more alone time is nuts. Alone time is about man caves & / or a woman's retreat. Get a hobby. Close the bedroom door. Go watch TV in the den. You don't move out. When you are faced with moving out, only the 4 walls of your place were holding the relationship together. 

It sounds like the GF had a rough year -- lots of Covid associated deaths & the dramatic public societal problems are getting to her. Some of that may be coloring her decision making process but that doesn't invalidate her choices. 

I don't know for sure that there is a new man or cheating but it's obvious that she lost respect for the OP & no longer wants to continue a relationship with westcoast97451. She also fully intends to walk out of this break up with the lion's share of the financial assets. Assuming west coast means California, he may have a prayer of getting palimony because California is one of the few states that has codified it. Thus consultation with a lawyer is key.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

I think some women for whatever reason get thrust into leadership roles when they're younger. Get well educated, a high paying career, passive husband, then around 40-50 they start to realize they're a little uncomfortable with it. That maybe they don't actually want to run everything all the time. That it would be nice to have a guy as strong or stronger than they are. 

I don't know if she has a new guy picked out yet but maybe instead of just doing what she says try to show her you're capable of being more aggressive and take charge. If you want to make an attempt to keep her. It might be too late at this point but who knows. Fortune favors the bold.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

westcoast97415 said:


> I'm struggling. We have been together for 7 years now. We moved out of state to follow a great career opportunity for her 2 years into our relationship. That opportunity has payed huge dividends for her and she is doing amazing. Part of this move also came with the suggestion from her that I change careers, and find something I truly enjoy doing. I went back to school via Pell grants, and started working as a seasonal (summer gig) in the field I wanted to be in. After 4 years of work, I am now a full time permanent employee in that field.
> 
> During that time period, we went from living in an RV in a park, to purchasing and remodeling a beautiful condo (north of $400k). Her career makes around 3-4 times what I make. We have had a joint account since we moved to the new location, and all of our income has been dropped into that single account. She enjoys finances, so has been solely responsible for managing our money.
> 
> ...


You have a $400k condo and live in a rural area?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

uwe.blab said:


> You have a $400k condo and live in a rural area?


Yeah that's odd, huh? 

Maybe there aren't apartment buildings but I bet there are homes, or apartments in homes, to rent. My area doesn't have apartment buildings either but there are "spaces" to rent.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It is truly a different world when a woman breaks up with you and says we are “living apart together” and the guy actually believes it.

OP, nobody wants to hurt anyone’s feelings, but you need to let this one go. She is stringing you along. She has zero intentions of getting back with you —- once you’re gone. None. She wants you to leave with nothing and you don’t even have a place to go. What does that tell you about her level of care about YOU?????

If you feel the divisions of assets are unfair, you need an attorney because she isn’t going to freely give you anything.

I know I’m going to be dead wrong on this. I wish I was. But the handwriting is on the wall and you’re refusing to read it.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

uwe.blab said:


> You have a $400k condo and live in a rural area?


Yes. Tourist destination, and a huge retirement community. If there is an empty house, it's a vacation rental making $6k a month.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

westcoast97415 said:


> Yes. Tourist destination, and a huge retirement community. If there is an empty house, it's a vacation rental making $6k a month.


If that's so, she really doesn't give a hoot about you. Where the f does she think you are going to live?

She doesn't want a life _together_ with you she wants only a life _apart_.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

There could be another man. Or it finally dawned on her she's the provider, so what does she need you for.

Doesn't sound like you're married, but your state laws may entitle you to half or so of what you both accumulated during the time you lived together. Heck, she may even owe you alimony if your state has common law marriage. Your mistake was playing housing and not marrying the girl. That would have protected you financially.


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

"The fact that she put the condo in her name only when it was going to be in both names tells you she has been planning this for awhile. It doesn't look good for the OP."

Blondilocks nailed it...
So does Gaius 

Hypergamy? Maybe...but what I see is an RN who has been working her A$$ off and she is sick to death of being the not only the main breadwinner, but also suffering in other ways...

Maybe she has to arrive on time, awful hours, punch the clock, work holidays and weekends, doesn't get the time off she wants, works with *****e$, etc...while he sleeps till 9?, can take a break whenever he wants? takes the day off if he has a sniffle?, etc.

My guess is resentment has been building for a while and Westcoast has been oblivious.

Sorry Dude...DO NOT MOVE OUT! 



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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Maybe she is aware that they are approaching a threshold for common law marriage in their state, and wants him to move out to avoid it happening and him suddenly having 50% ownership in everything.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

re16 said:


> Maybe she is aware that they are approaching a threshold for common law marriage in their state, and wants him to move out to avoid it happening and him suddenly having 50% ownership in everything.


Our state does not recognize common law.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

nypsychnurse said:


> "The fact that she put the condo in her name only when it was going to be in both names tells you she has been planning this for awhile. It doesn't look good for the OP."
> 
> Blondilocks nailed it...
> So does Gaius
> ...


We both work the exact same schedule (M-F, holidays off, plentiful vacation time and sick leave on both sides.)


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

It was just a guess...only you can know why she is resentful...
Who knows? Maybe it's not too late to fix it...but I agree with all the others:
Protect Yourself.

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

With the condo in her name only, really, really do not move out.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

nypsychnurse said:


> It was just a guess...only you can know why she is resentful...
> Who knows? Maybe it's not too late to fix it...but I agree with all the others:
> Protect Yourself.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


She's not resentful, that's just an assumption made by others here.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

westcoast97415 said:


> She's not resentful, that's just an assumption made by others here.


So what issues do you two have that make this a 'solution'?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

westcoast97415 said:


> She's not resentful, that's just an assumption made by others here.


I disagree. You told us that she said that she felt she was taking care of you.
That implies huge resentment for a woman to say that. Because we all know that women in particular will only say 1/1000000000th of what they are actually thinking when it comes to saying something negative, whereas idiot men will tell you every little thing that bothers them.

My point: you’ve mentioned a couple of things that shows huge resentment in her.
She wants you to move out! It’s either resentment, another man, or she’s out of love with you, or a combination of two of these.

There is no other logical explanation.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Having a wife that makes WAY more than the husband usually doesn’t end well for the guy. It’s almost as bad as SAHDs. For all the social engineering we’ve gone through over the past 50 years, women innately are repulsed at the idea of being the main breadwinner. Sure there are a few outliers that can do it but long term, the resentment is there. It often leads to the sex life drying up and the outward disrespect towards the husband is just barely contained.

The mistake happened in the very beginning, when you moved to help her with her career. I’ve read countless such threads. I remember this SAHD on SI, who tried to be firm with his WW, who’s arrogance was off the charts. She told her BH he could leave her house. He too was one that gave up his career so they can support her higher paying career.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

westcoast97415 said:


> There are approx. 4 million couples in the US that would completely disagree with that.
> 
> Believe me, I get what you're saying. I had a 17 year marriage. I know how it works. Your line of reasoning does not apply to this situation, at all.


You make it sound as if this a wholly unique union.

You are doing an amazing job at mental gymnastics to deny a possible outcome - that this is the end of your relationship.

I'm not saying it is.

But you need to at least add this possibility to your wheel house.

You should spend a lot more time talking to a lawyer and a lot less time trying to convince everyone that this isn't the end.

Not to go all Red pill here. I have two female friends from college who make a ton of money. The both booted the husband/boyfriend once they became successful. They both weren't into the taking care of the man ordeal. They both grew resentful because their men didn't do the necessary steps to come up to meet them at their higher level.

You have been on borrowed time with you girlfriend since she's been making the lion's share of money.

Again, you need to be contacting a lawyer, like yesterday.
Stop trying convince everyone (including yourself) that your relationship is a special snowflake and all the general rules of what people in these situation act on don't apply to you.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Do you want to live apart also? Seems like you two don't agree on how your relationship should move forward. This should be a sign to you that is BF / GF relationship is likely not working. In the future, you shouldn't play house & co-mingle funds with people you aren't married to.


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

westcoast97415 said:


> When I start asking specifics on what quality time means to her, she responded with "you don't seem happy when we spend time together, so its not quality time".



Did this seem like a red flag to you? She was clearly telling you something that was bothering her. What was your response to this?


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

snerg said:


> You are doing an amazing job at mental gymnastics to deny a possible outcome - that this is the end of your relationship.


It can be hard to break through this mindset.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I disagree. You told us that she said that she felt she was taking care of you.
> That implies huge resentment for a woman to say that. Because we all know that women in particular will only say 1/1000000000th of what they are actually thinking when it comes to saying something negative, whereas idiot men will tell you every little thing that bothers them.
> 
> My point: you’ve mentioned a couple of things that shows huge resentment in her.
> ...


I have stated more than once that the conversations haven’t been logical or rational. We’ve had multiple conversations the past few days and she’s started to be more specific and apologetic for her knee jerk reaction last week. Progress is being made.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

westcoast97415 said:


> I am feeling a huge range of emotions, and am hoping you guys can help me filter through them and possibly gain some perspective on whats going on.
> 
> thanks in advance.


Why don't you say what emotions you are feeling and members can respond to that rather than you arguing with what members are posting.


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## westcoast97415 (Jul 31, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Why don't you say what emotions you are feeling and members can respond to that rather than you arguing with what members are posting.


I was actually more interested in learning more about LAT. So far it appears no one here knows anything about it. Just a lot of really bad advice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

re16 said:


> Maybe she is aware that they are approaching a threshold for common law marriage in their state, and wants him to move out to avoid it happening and him suddenly having 50% ownership in everything.


legally he already has 50% ownership of everything his name is on... the house, cars, bank accounts, etc. He also has 50% ownership of any debt his name is on with her. This is the case with our without common law marriage.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> legally he already has 50% ownership of everything his name is on... the house, cars, bank accounts, etc. He also has 50% ownership of any debt his name is on with her. This is the case with our without common law marriage.


How is that?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Evinrude58 said:


> How is that?


I went back and reread the OP. I was wrong. His name is not on the house so he is not an owner. However a good lawyer might be able to get him some equity .

But everthing else... they have joint bank accounts. He could remove 50% of the funds today ... he's joint on it. Shoot he can remove 100%. She'd have to go to court to get any of it back (I don't recommend this).

Then he said: _"Everything we have purchased in the past 7 years has been in both our names. 2 trucks (my truck I purchased with cash when we first met, I put in both our names). A motorcycle (joint purchase). A second motorcycle she bought as a bday present (sold the first). And most recently, a new truck that we bought last year and paid off within 12 months."_ He's 50% owner on all these vehicles.

If his name is on any debt with her, to include credit cards, he companies can come after him for the debt.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

westcoast97415 said:


> I have stated more than once that the conversations haven’t been logical or rational. We’ve had multiple conversations the past few days and she’s started to be more specific and apologetic for her knee jerk reaction last week. Progress is being made.


Can you expand on the progress?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

westcoast97415 said:


> I was actually more interested in learning more about LAT. So far it appears no one here knows anything about it. Just a lot of really bad advice.


I don't think it really is bad advice that you are getting. You have been living together for 7 years and now you are looking at changing into a LAT. That is the same as a married couple separating. Do you realize that? And a separation needs to be managed from a legal standpoint so one person doesn't get screwed over by the other. Even if both parties claim they will split amicably and equitably that will change as D-day approaches. Don't let yourself be screwed over, get protection in the form of legal advice.

I think you are playing this up as though it could be a good thing, but reality is this is a big step backwards in your relationship. You mentioned that 4 million married couples in the US are doing the LAT thing, but did you look deeper into why? It almost always has to do with their circumstances forcing it on them, like military families, long haul truck drivers, living far apart due to careers, blended families where each parent lives with children from a prior marriage, etc. All very utilitarian reasons, not because someone "needs some space". Again, that is a separation and a first step towards divorce/breakup. It really isn't the best option for a happy, healthy and loving relationship.

Previously, have you ever discussed marriage? You mentioned having 1, 2, 10 year plans. Did any of them include marriage? Also, you said in recent conversations she is backpedaling her knee jerk reaction. Do you mean she is reconsidering her desire to go LAT?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

LAT sounds like a passive aggressive way to get to a separation. What’s really messed up is that she knows your financial situation and the cost of living in the area. Which means that she fully understands that you’re going to end up in questionable living conditions.

Then there’s the removing you from the condo loan when she refinanced on the down low. Very shady.

Are you able to go back to where you originally came from? There’s no way I’ll be staying with someone that wants to downgrade the relationship. What’s next? An open relationship?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

jsmart said:


> LAT sounds like a passive aggressive way to get to a separation. What’s really messed up is that she knows your financial situation and the cost of living in the area. Which means that she fully understands that you’re going to end up in questionable living conditions.
> 
> Then there’s the removing you from the loan when she refinanced on the down low. Very shady.
> 
> Are you able to go back to your originally came from? There’s no way I’ll be staying with someone that wants to downgrade the relationship. What’s next? An open relationship?


I can't see someone doing this to anyone they really care about. It really seems like this was all calculated moves to get rid of him. Move somewhere he can't afford to live on his own. Take his name off the condo then tell him she doesn't want to live together anymore. The only option at that point is for him to move far enough away to where housing is cheaper, which means pushing him as far away as physically possible without breaking up. Extremely devious if you ask me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

westcoast97415

One of the difficult aspects of LAT is finances.

My take on this is that you need an LAT agreement. Finances need special attention in that agreement. You two need to separate your finances. I also think since she seems to have tricked you and put condo in her name only, she needs to at the very least provide you with down payment and some financial support to get you situated in your own place.

If it were me, I'd go today and withdraw 50% from all joint accounts and put those funds in accounts in my name only. And I'd remove my name from joint accounts. The split the vehicles so that each is in one name only.

I'd also get an attorney and work out how you can get some equity from the condo, if any. And of course see how to split any other asset owned jointly.

Here's some info I found online. LAT arrangements are more common in Canada & Europe than they are in the USA.

_"*Money and LAT*_​_Few studies have addressed how LAT couples handle the financial aspects of their relationships. Only two studies have discussed this topic to date. The first (Ghazanfareeon Karlsson & Borell, 2002) concerned older LAT individuals (65 and over) in Sweden. The authors found that most of their interviewees kept their finances separate in order to maintain their financial independence. Joint savings or ownership was uncommon and did not increase with the duration of the relationship. The authors concluded that LAT partnerships do not become more marriage-like over the years. Evertsson and Nyman (2012) explored the workings of the independent money management system, finding that LAT couples used this individualized strategy, although the boundaries between the partners’ resources were often vague in practice." (1) (PDF) Living Apart Together and Money: New Partnerships, Traditional Gender Roles | Dimitri Mortelmans - Academia.edu _​
Living Apart Together and Money: New Partnerships, Traditional Gender Roles - Lyssens‐Danneboom - 2014 - Journal of Marriage and Family - Wiley Online Library 

Living Apart Together Relationships - Family and Matrimonial - Canada (mondaq.com)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jsmart said:


> Having a wife that makes WAY more than the husband usually doesn’t end well for the guy. It’s almost as bad as SAHDs. For all the social engineering we’ve gone through over the past 50 years, women innately are repulsed at the idea of being the main breadwinner. Sure there are a few outliers that can do it but long term, the resentment is there. It often leads to the sex life drying up and the outward disrespect towards the husband is just barely contained.
> 
> The mistake happened in the very beginning, when you moved to help her with her career. I’ve read countless such threads. I remember this SAHD on SI, who tried to be firm with his WW, who’s arrogance was off the charts. She told her BH he could leave her house. He too was one that gave up his career so they can support her higher paying career.


The OP and his girlfriend are not married. They cohabitate. In a non-common-law state there is little protection for either of them. Also, today if they were married, he'd get the same benefits as if the genders were reversed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Young at Heart said:


> This has got to hurt. However, you either look on the bright side or not. You don't have a lot of children together, nor will you owe her any alimony.
> 
> Consider yourself lucky. She wants a separation not a divorce, although that is quite likely given everything.
> 
> ...


They are not married. If they were, she would have to pay him alimony since he earns significantly less. Plus he'd also get 50% of the equity in the home whether is name is on it or not.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Ele is back in Tooowwwwwnnn! 


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

westcoast97415 said:


> I was actually more interested in learning more about LAT. So far it appears no one here knows anything about it. Just a lot of really bad advice.


The advice you are being given is designed to protect you in a "worst case scenerio" situation.

Many people on this forum have learned the laws of divorce and separation the hard way.

I've never met anyone in a situation such as yours where the end result was amicable, but I've met plenty of people who lost everything.

If the down payment on the condo and subsequent payments were made from a joint account, you may be entitled to some equity. If the condo has increased in value over the term that you have lived there and you have contributed to it's care and maintenance, you are entitled to some equity, regardless of whether your name is on the deed. If you vacate the premises voluntarily, a judge will see that as you not having an interest in the property.

Please talk to an attorney before you move out.

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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

westcoast97415 said:


> I was actually more interested in learning more about LAT. So far it appears no one here knows anything about it. Just a lot of really bad advice.


I have been LAT with my gf for almost 10 years, but we have never lived together. The advice you've received here is good, and I agree with the consensus. If she wants to transition to this situation, 98% chance you're really just being dumped, and also evidently stolen from to some degree.

LAT has been a great situation for me, but we are having some struggles recently. I don't plan to ever live with a romantic partner ever again. I'll answer any specific questions that I can. 

We both prefer LAT because we are independent, self-reliant, enjoy significant alone time, and don't want to have to agree on how we handle our daily lives, finances, or households. We see each other 1-3 days a week on average, usually one or more of those being an overnight. It's great for us, but not for everyone. Or, maybe _we're_ not for everyone.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Crickets...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

OnTheRocks said:


> Crickets...





westcoast97415 said:


> I was actually more interested in learning more about LAT. So far it appears no one here knows anything about it. Just a lot of really bad advice.


He didn't get what he was looking for.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The really bad advice he was given, may sadly turn out better than he thought. I HOPE he received bad advice


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