# How to deal with the silent treatment?



## CluelessWife (Jul 16, 2013)

To make a long story short, my husband and I got into an argument in which both parties had their feelings get hurt. Since then my husband has been ignoring me for a few days now. He's been locked up in the spare bedroom. I've tried to speak to him, but he'll just get annoyed and tell me that he is busy or to go away. This is really hurting me and he knows it. I feel so abandoned, but I am trying my hardest to not show him how hurt I really am. I've been thinking of getting a hotel room for a few days. However, before I do that, I want to explore other ways to deal with this. How do I deal with this silent treatment? Is there another way?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

No. There is nothing you can directly do to make him see what he is doing wrong. He has the emotional maturity of a 4 year old. He holds onto anger that has absolutely nothing to do with you. He needs to make himself feel better, so he punishes you with mental torture. Ignore his behavior. If you beg him to speak to you, it is only feeding his passive aggressive behavior. He needs for someone to feel worse than he does. Inside he is loving that you are so upset. He has power over your emotions. 

Do you see any similarities in this thread?
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...live-passive-aggressive-spouse-long-term.html


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I would write him a note, leave it on the kitchen counter or wherever he can see it and then go get a hotel room.

He's determined to punish you with his anger. You have to let him know that a) you know he's upset and b) you will not tolerate his sulking. When he wants to come to you as an adult, you will be available to talk.


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## bugmenot (Jul 4, 2012)

Silent treatment? Locks himself in the spare room? Does he hold his breath and pout when he doesn't get what he wants? 

As hard as it will be let him stew and go about your business. He needs to act like an adult and resolve conflict like an adult. *Do not tolerate this at all!*


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I was faced with the ignoring also. Immature behavior. I couldn't fix it so I fixed myself and file for divorce. Sorry to hear your are going through this.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Without any details I ma going to guess at this. *I also am assuming that you two have had a good relationship and this is just one f those very heated arguments that does not have deep ingrained resentments from the past involved*

He maybe acting like a child or he may be thinking and waiting for time to make things a little better. Very few men that have a strong connection to their wife are going to let one heated argument affect their whole relationship for a long time. A reasonable person will not let one heated argument destroy the marriage. Usually after a week or so a different and better attitude appears. Give it a little more time then reevaluate.

*I WOULD NOT go to a motel!* You will be adding fire to the flame. If you go to a motel he will take that as your challenge to him and you telling him that you are right and he is wrong and then he will not back down but become more combative. If he is acting like a child you do not have to act like a child also. If he is needing more time and thinking then that is what he needs for now.

When you think that the time is right write him a note and tell him how hurt you are; no accusations trying to prove you are right. Leave the argument out of it completely. Just tell him how you miss him and want to come back together. If you have solutions that do not accuse him then use them in a note.

*Unless this was a super serious argument he will get over this in time; that is assuming that you two have had a good relationship.*

As for your pain, I would reflect on your love for each other in the past and if there are no deep seated resentments then *this too shall pass! Knowing that this will be resolved in time will give you relief.*
Blunt


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I figure the man wants space. HE moved into the spare room. In the efforts to preserve oneself from being subject to his visual and physical tantrum I would give him his space and find a calm neutral place to rest and recharge my own batteries. What he wants is attention, and the more attention he gets the worse he will behave. 

OP if you kiss ass and kow tow to his manipulation game, you'll have to keep doing it. It will show him this is how to control you when he doesn't get his way. Is that what you want? Even moms know when children throw tantrums the best way to deal with them is to walk away with them having the fit all to themselves. It's hard to keep up the drama when you lose your audience.


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## Allltuvx (Jul 16, 2013)

Just go to a hotel and don't tell him.

The temporary separation would do you both some good.

And teaches him you will walk out if he behaves that way.

I would also get some marriage counseling on communication skills in marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have the two of you been together? How often does he do this?


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I love what A Bit Much said above. I agree 100%! And I hope that you are not cooking meals and leaving them at the spare room door or doing his laundry or buying him his favorite ice cream. If he wants to pretend you are not there then you can pretend you are single. 

Do your own thing. Go out with friends or just go to the mall and window shop. Get your hair and nails done. Head to a local pool or beach on the weekends with a good book. But whatever you do, do NOT reward his bad behavior by continuing to do what you usually do for him.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If you don't chase after him, he'll figure out that this nonsense is NOT the way to handle problems. Tantrums will not be tolerated. And I agree with Irish, you better not be serving up favorite dinners and doing laundry etc. That's rewarding his bad behavior and it will continue.

I'm hoping this is the first time he's done this. If it isn't, then he's learned that this is how he can get you to do things his way because it's worked in the past.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just ignore him like you'd ignore any child with a tantrum. And be ready to talk to him, when he is ready, WITHOUT throwing stuff at him. Listen, validate, and ask him what he thinks can fix the situation.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Not sure if this is a first offense on his part or if he does the silent thing habitually.

Either way, there are many who will attest that getting upset, begging, pleading, placating to get him on side is a complete waste of time. He is all about getting you to feel down so that he can get the upper hand. People who repeatedly resort to passive aggressive silent treatment are out to covertly control, manipulate and guilt their partner. 

Ignore this emotional abuse and take the time out to do things that uplift you - the link below my signature has lots of info on how to cope without caving in. Once he sees that his game isn't working he may just start acting like a reasonable adult when arguments occur. 


PLEASE don't play his game. Don't let anyone dictate your emotions. Just because he wants you to feel abandoned, guilty, upset, angry or whatever, doesn't mean you have to feel this way.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Is this silent treatment a new thing with him or is it a pattern?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

LOL. Thats what my wife have been doing for 31 years. Pouting like little children. Now act like it doesnt bother me, and I try not to pout any more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Thound said:


> LOL. Thats what my wife have been doing for 31 years. *Pouting like little children*. Now act like it doesnt bother me, and I try not to pout any more.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My stbxh still pokes out his lips when he pouts. Attractive at age 50


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Thound said:


> LOL. Thats what my wife have been doing for 31 years. Pouting like little children. Now act like it doesnt bother me, and I try not to pout any more.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

I think one of the mistakes I made (for a couple of decades!) was to try and beat him at his own game. Copy cat silent treatment or reciprocal pouting doesn't help. Whereas acting like it didn't bother me led to it actually not bothering me. :smthumbup:

If I'd known about the advice in the link below my signature years ago I'd have saved myself a whole lot of heartache and stress.

For those who have changed their reaction to being given the silent treatment, it would be interesting to know how long it took them to actually change. I know I took far too long and it almost killed the relationship. Of course there are some who elect to leave such relationships and I certainly respect that too coz life's too short.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Whenever I think of adults and pouting, I think of this:
toddler throwing a funny tantrum - YouTube

It kinda breaks down our human nature - the act is meant ONLY to get attention.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Hi Turnera - that video certainly shows how clever toddlers are and how stupid adults are to fall for it - and worse we tolerate this kind of thing from adults - how stupid is that? 

People who pander to partners who give them the silent treatment know that the way they are being treated is wrong, so I guess the question is why do they tolerate it/bemoan it and yet still continue to tolerate it.


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

Totally with SIW and Advocado - go about your life as though nothing has changed - we can so easily forget that silent treatment is abuse, it can feel like mental torture, so you have to be the adult and refuse to accept or tolerate it.

The longest my H did this to me was 2 weeks, I emotionally detached in the end - we are still together but he does it every now and then even now - which I use as a great opportunity to simply do my own thing and see friends or just go out - he sulks like a big baby in the main bedroom on his laptop or watches tv. and I just see him for the child he so often can be - after a while I get to the point whereby I just can't be bothered to care. Eventually he'll snap out of it - but you set your own boundaries. I don't see anything wrong with staying in a hotel if that is what you feel will help you, but strutting your own stuff in your own house can be just as effective. 

Getting visually upset by it only fuels this kind of abuse - IGNORE HIM!


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Ellie5 said:


> .... I don't see anything wrong with staying in a hotel if that is what you feel will help you, but strutting your own stuff in your own house can be just as effective.
> 
> *Getting visually upset by it only fuels this kind of abuse - IGNORE HIM!*


Re the bold - they should teach this stuff in school - Let's all make sure we tell our children so they never fall victim to such emotional abuse. 

Now I'm wiser I tend to stay home and strutt mainly. On one occasion before I got wise I took the kids and stayed in a Bed & Breakfast overnight. Next day when I got back he looked so broken I felt sorry for him and felt so guilty I never stayed away again. He soon recovered and was back to his passive aggressive silences a couple of months later and I went back to getting upset/trying to appease him and/or copy cat silence. My advice, don't let them guilt you - it's part of their game.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Advocado said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I think one of the mistakes I made (for a couple of decades!) was to try and beat him at his own game. Copy cat silent treatment or reciprocal pouting doesn't help. Whereas acting like it didn't bother me led to it actually not bothering me. :smthumbup:
> 
> ...


30 years. And sometimes I relapse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You could even take it a step further. If your spouse pouts on you or gives you the P/A bullshyte, take it as an opportunity to reward yourself - and let him/her know WHY: Husband, you're really going to give me the silent treatment because I didn't iron that shirt the way you wanted? Well, thanks, I've been looking for a reason to go visit my mom in ABC town; now I have one! I'll be back in a couple days!

In other words, don't just use actions. TELL them why you're doing the actions and how it directly results from THEIRS.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Thound said:


> 30 years. And sometimes I relapse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's somewhat comforting to know that I'm not the only one who put up with silent treatment abuse for far too long. 

And I can relate on the relapse issue too. It's not that I go back to placating, begging to know what I did wrong, bending over backwards or copy cat silence. It's more that I sometimes omit to make the *extra effort* to pamper and uplift myself right away when the silence starts. (hmm ... or maybe I'm waiting to see if it's a cooling off period as opposed to indefinite silence??)

It takes conscious effort for me to ignore it sometimes - but I'll never go back to the way I was, even if he likes me less for it. After all, it's much more fun for a passive aggressive person to have a target who is easily and visibly disturbed /upset at their antics. So they ain't gonna like you for not playing their game and stopping them from having the upper hand.

Any tips for avoiding relapse?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Advocado said:


> I'll never go back to the way I was, even if he likes me less for it.


And isn't that what it's always all about, that fear of them not being happy with us?

What's up with that?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Advocado said:


> It's somewhat comforting to know that I'm not the only one who put up with silent treatment abuse for far too long.
> 
> And I can relate on the relapse issue too. It's not that I go back to placating, begging to know what I did wrong, bending over backwards or copy cat silence. It's more that I sometimes omit to make the *extra effort* to pamper and uplift myself right away when the silence starts. (hmm ... or maybe I'm waiting to see if it's a cooling off period as opposed to indefinite silence??)
> 
> ...


Find an activity. I am not sure why I stopped cross stitching. I am no longer living with my stbx, but now that I know how to deal with passive aggressiveness more effectively, I think that would be my immediate go-to thing when he started.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Ebonny's article (linked in Advocado's sig) is a great one. It gives good techniques. If you'd like to understand why and find ways to prevent the silent treatment from taking hold, please take a look at an article I wrote on the topic, too: Best Ways to Respond to Silent Treatment in Relationships


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