# I think we're both miserable



## Downtrodden_Hubby (Apr 10, 2013)

I'm miserable because my wife is miserable but I couldn't bear to be without her or my children. I wonder if that makes me a masochist?

I think my wife is miserable with our situation as we're in a constantly dirty house, she can't find anything to do that makes her happy despite play groups for the kids and kids at nursery three times a week leaving her time to do as she pleases. So she finds some happiness in spending more money than she should every time I get paid.

Essentially:

-I don't have time to clean the house
-She doesn't clean the house
-She takes care of the kids while I work
-I take of the kids after work & weekends
-She constantly barrages me with complaints about the house, the car, the bills, how much I suck at finances and chores. Or if it's not me or the house or the car it's her sister, her mother, the nursery, the people at the store.
-I'm not happy because she never seems to be happy except when she's spending money she shouldn't be spending because we have no savings...

She's very stubborn and any attempt at me stating I'm unhappy with her behaviour ends with how selfish I am and how much I don't care about her feelings. I love my wife but she says she can't be intimate with me because of how resentful she is that I don't care about her.

I buy her flowers, send her loving emails from work, post cute things on her facebook, etc. 

All I can see for her to show she cares about me is that she'll go spend $500 and buy me a $20 drill as well...

I don't care about stuff. I've told her I don't like when people buy me things as I don't want people spending their money on me when I don't really need any stuff. I'm not a materialistic person at all...I could live happily with a very minimum amount of things.

I don't know what I can do for her. Maybe I'll try to suggest she goes to counselling on the weekends when I can watch the kids. What else can I do?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

What are your ages?

How many kids and what are their ages?

What are your relationship histories? (Brief synopsis). With those answers, people can have a better idea of suggestions to give you.

There is a lot you can do, but you will both need to get on board and ultimately be trying to put the love and sparkle back into your marriage.

Some are going to suggest that you man up and read a lot of literature that helps you learn how to do that. There is also a lot of good straight up marriage literature, such as http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Princip...ples+for+making+marriage+work+by+john+gottman

There are many ways to get the sparkle back, but you both really have to want it. So to start, I would suggest that you really face yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you are in love with your wife? If you could break free from her without any financial or emotional cost to either of you or your kids, would you do that? Are you there in your marriage out of true desire to be, or just doing what you think you promised to do?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

You forgot to add that self-help books are read selectively to reinforce that she is the perfect wife.

So individual counseling will likely provide the same benefits. Going with you would force her to be honest with the counselor and honest with you about what the counselor says. So therefore this is out of the question I imagine.


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## Downtrodden_Hubby (Apr 10, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> What are your ages?
> 
> How many kids and what are their ages?
> 
> ...



I'm 28 she's 26 we have a two daughters under two. I do love her and wish she could be happy. We moved from the US to New Zealand so don't really have any friends or family to babysit.

I don't know why she's generally unhappy. She seems to have these moments of clarity too where I think she realizes her unhappiness makes me miserable (for more than one reason) and she'll be over the top happy and normal but that only ever lasts a day or two.

I can't ever seem to do anything right...


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Everyone said this in your other thread; she sounds depressed. She as a two month old and a 15 month old. She sounds isolated, how long have you been in NZ? It's a small place, especially if you're not in Aukland or Wellington. It can be hard to break into social circles in a small place. 

Does your wife have friends? Is she someone who had a lot of friends where you used to live? I would find living in a new country with two very young children horrifying. I remember the isolation and loneliness of the first few months of my first daughter's life. I'm an extrovert, I need social contact to feel happy and at peace. Maybe your wife is the same. 

Why did you move?


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