# Here we go again...at the end of my rope!



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I am so frustrated and have used all the tools I have and those that have been suggested by my counselor and I'm at a lost as to how to get through each day without feeling resentful, ignored, unloved and unwanted - I just want to scream at the top of my lungs.

Reading my other posts you know that my husband has numerous medical issues due to a brain injury suffered in 2008. So I'm not dealing with a "normal" husband here (I'm not sure most of us know what that even is - ).

But this lack of affection (physical) and intimacy is about to totally make me explode. I've tried to understand and realize that he is going through a lot of issues that I can't understand, since I haven't been through what he's going through. But how come he is so self-centered, selfish and able to just go about his day while my heart is breaking and I'm so unhappy. It's like if he feels if he just ignores it, it will go away - well it's not going away for me.

I guess the straw that broke the camel's back happened last night. We were driving home and I reached over and patted his arm and asked him how he was feeling. Well - he got this "look" on his face and I asked what was wrong. He said: "well, I've told you time and time again how it bothers me that you touch me all the time, you know it's a problem." (note: he has had this issue with people touching him all the time since the brain injury). I told him, well I thought you were getting better about it since you didn't say anything. He said - well I thought you would remember and since you haven't, I guess not saying anything is not working so I guess I'll have to say something from now on. You drove me crazy this weekend with it (I only recall kissing him occasionally while he sat in his recliner, I was not touching/crawling all over him). So I responded, how come you don't have an issue with the cats (we have three). You hug and pet them all the time and hold them but if I touch your arm you jerk away - what's the difference? He then responded you don't even want to understand. To which I replied, I understand, but its starting to make me feel that it's "my touch" that's the issue - not the touching in general. He then shut down and wouldn't speak to me and we drove home in silence. My last words to him were - you really hurt my feelings this time, when am I allowed to touch my husband - let me know, until then - guess I'm not allowed.

Okay - I've had it! I know he's going through a lot, on a lot of medications, etc., but how "long" am I supposed to wait while he works this out (its been 2 years since the injury). Am I destined to live like this for the rest of my life. I LOVE THIS MAN - but its all give, give, give and I get nothing back - I'm not sure that I'm a good enough person to stick this out - I don't want to leave, I don't want to pursue an EA or PA - but he's pushing me into it. I KNOW he has problems - but is he even trying...and while he hasn't approached me for any intimacy (and of course I'm AFRAID to approach him with the response I get), he hasn't been purusing his porn as much either. But after he says this to me last night, he got up early (has trouble sleeping) and visited a few (a small amount for him) porn site this morning before I got up. Now, before you answer - I already know he's not pleasuring himself - he has issues - but why does he keep turning away from me - I'm not pressuring him to perform, I just want to be close and he acts like he doesn't give a damn.

I have an appt with my counselor tomorrow and I'll address this with him again (again). But I'm starting to lose it and it's all I can do to not let it torpedo my self-esteem like it did earlier this year.

Just wanting to vent - any constructive inputs from men or women would be appreciated. I think I need to just HIT something.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

We can't just give give give, and nothing in return, because we only have that much to give. If we keep on giving, and there is nothing to grow in our backyard, we become poor, then we have nothing to give. 

I don't understand the brain injury thing, so something happened and made him hate touching? 

What he said was very insensitive to you. He was only thinking about him, he wasn't considerate of your feeling. It is tiring living with a man like this. 

I won't judge you for whatever you do! 

We can only give this much! We need comfort and support, too. We are not robots!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

He's had a brain injury that has affected his reasoning, cognitive thought process, memory, moods, etc.

I guess what I'm asking advice for is:

1. Am I not being selfless enough and only thinking about my needs?
2. Am I being inpatient?
3. Am I expecting too much based on what's happened to him?
4. Or, is the wool being pulled over my eyes and I'm refusing to recognize the obvious - that maybe he doesn't "want me" anymore and is just staying until he gets better and can take care of himself.

I'm just so confused - it's like I'm on a roller coaster with him. One week he's loving, telling me he loves me - initiating sex (yes it happened about 3 weeks ago) and then he's ignoring me, making comments about me touching him and then acting like I'm nothing (no sex since 3 weeks ago).

He does keep saying to me that I only care about myself and that I'm self-centered and not concerned about what's going on with him - but I DON'T THINK THAT. I manage all his meds, his dr appt's, I make sure he eats, check on him throughout the day while I'm at work, take him to the hospital when he needs it, I do EVERYTHING - but it's like it's never enough and when I want a hug or to hold his hand - then I don't understand and am being selfish.

I'm a vibrant 50 year old woman that is told I look 10 years younger - it feels like my life is over!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I'm not a doctor, so I'm far from an expert. But my understanding is that a brain injury can completely change a person's personality, and quite possibly, permanently. 

What have his doctors said about his recovery? Do they consider him completely recovered? Is he still undergoing any treatments, on any meds, anything like that? 

If they consider him to be completely recovered, I think I would have to look at this as being his personality from this point forward and decide if I could live with it. It may seem like it's cruel to leave him, given that he suffered a brain injury, but...if he's fully recovered, then it's no more cruel than leaving someone after they recovered from a broken ankle. 

If he's not considered to be fully recovered, then I would talk to his doctors about how he acts and find out what they think. They should be able to give you an idea of whether or not this is something that might go away or if this is what you'll have to live with. 

One last thing...is this only an issue since the injury? Think carefully on this. If he, even rarely, indicated in any way that he didn't like being touched before the brain injury, perhaps this is who he's always been and before he just tried to be nice about it, and now he's not.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I don't know what I would do if I were in a similar situation. 

I always tell my husband: Please be careful, your health and safety is important to me. I warn myself too that I have to look after my health and ride my scooter carefully. Don't get into accidents. 

Looking after your injured husband is different from looking after your parents. You still want romance from your husband, but you won't seek any affection from your parents. I don't think you mind doing all the running around, what frustrates you is he is so distant to you now. You are yearning for romance. 

I don't know if that brain injury would cause him to act remote, has his doctor told you that things like would happen? If it is a medical reason, we can forgive him, if it is not, then it really hurts. 

Does he know what he is doing is hurting you. Does he know that you are yearning for romance? Is he aware of what is going on?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

To answer your questions:

1. No, he is not recovered and probably never will be. Two years out his doctor(s) have said that he has recovered as much as he will.
2. Yes, he has had a change in personality - he IS NOT the man I've been married to for more than 25 years - I've acepted this (I think).
3. I have spoken with his doctor. In fact, his neuro-physcologist (also a regular physcologist) is his counselor, my counselor and our counselor. I've been seeing him for a while to get a pulse on what's happening and to find out if these things are normal, part of his injury, etc. His doctor says there is no more "normal", everything is the brain injury. 
4. No, the touching thing is post-injury - not prior. 
5. And you're right, I can't leave him in his condition - I'm just wondering how long I can hang on without losing my mind. It's taken months of counseling and medication to get my confidence and self-esteem back up, I don't want to lose that again - those were dark months for me. 

I just want to learn how to "not let it bother me," "be more selfless and quit thinking about my needs," etc. And while I can do that short-term, I'm having a lot of problems making it long-term. I guess I need to fully accept that things will NEVER be the same, then and only then can I truly accept and be okay with how things are - I guess I'm still holding onto hope that things are NOT going to be this way forever - but I guess I'm only fooling myself.


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> I don't know what I would do if I were in a similar situation.
> 
> I always tell my husband: Please be careful, your health and safety is important to me. I warn myself too that I have to look after my health and ride my scooter carefully. Don't get into accidents.
> 
> ...


Yes, he's aware of what is going on - I've been pretty open/honest (maybe too much sometimes). He says he's trying - but he's limited, but he is trying - he says he loves me, doesn't want to be without me, wouldn't be where he was without me by his side and doesn't want me to leave him - these times are what make me stay. Then BOOM, like a light switch - he's rude, insensitive, moody and I can't touch him anymore.

My mom, who is a homecare giver has been through this and tells me I need to quit taking it personally - it's not his fault and he's doing his best - I agree - but I'm having such a hard time not taking it personally.

This is just so unfair and in what I consider the prime of my life (kids gone, just me and hubby, no money issues, no time issues). I guess its as frustrating or more for him, but how do I turn off the yearning I feel for him, I'm a very emotional person and I can't just turn myself off.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I don't know if it possible for you not to think about this anymore. 

I do feel that you love your husband a lot and you don't want to do anything to hurt him.

It is understandable that you yearn for a normal relationship. But what has happened has changed. He can't help it either. 

How about focus your energy on something else? Do you have hobbies? There are so many people here on TAM need help, maybe talk to them and help them? 

Seems like he still initiates sometimes, then let him initiate, maybe he'll be happier if you stop making him feeling guilty for what he can't give you anymore! 

I don't know. I am just here blah blah blah, so please don't take my words seriously. I just want you to feel better!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

friendly said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks - it helps that someone cares - even if I don't know them.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> I don't know if it possible for you not to think about this anymore.
> 
> I do feel that you love your husband a lot and you don't want to do anything to hurt him.
> 
> ...


Thanks, I appreciate it - I want things to go back where they were and it's not going to happen and I guess I'm just not ready to accept that yet.

And yes, I love him very much - that's part of the problem. If I didn't, then I could walk away...but I can't - I'm too stubborn!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MWIL,

Are you familiar with Buddhism? Normally I don't try to tell people to seek religion, but Buddhism teaches people how to control their emotion. Do you want to try?

I am studying Buddhism wisdom. I do it because I want to learn wisdom, not for that reason. But Buddhism is well-known for teaching controlling our emotion!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Thanks, I appreciate it - I want things to go back where they were and it's not going to happen and I guess I'm just not ready to accept that yet.
> 
> And yes, I love him very much - that's part of the problem. If I didn't, then I could walk away...but I can't - I'm too stubborn!


We will feel much more peaceful if we accept the way our life is. When we don't, we feel a lot of pain. 

For a long time, I felt bad that I am far away from my family, nobody from my family is here to give me love. I had been sick, homesick. Now I have accepted the fact that I am far away from my family, I just have to live with it. I start to focus on doing something I am able to do. I don't feel that pain anymore!


We all have yearning in some areas!


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

This forum helps a lot of people that need answers, sometimes there are no answers. Sometimes we just have to be supportive, looks like you got the "short" end of the stick


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Thanks - support is what I'm looking for more than answers I guess.

I think we "both" got the short end of the stick with this. Him and me - I'm just trying to make it better and I can't do it by myself and I'm not sure anymore that he's capable of helping me make it better.

Just feeling sorry for myself.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

You married one person, and now you have a totally different person. Had you met this new person originally, you probably wouldn't have married him. 

You have worked with him and been patient for two years, and his doctors think he is recovered as much as he is going to. 

It's not fair to expect you to sacrafice the rest of your life and just shut up, change yourself and live with a man who is nothing like the man you fell in love with and made your vows to. 

It's unfortunate as hell but I think you have a big decision to make. You entered a contract and signed up for one thing, but have now had that taken away and had it replaced with something completely different. Bait and switch

You keep saying you love him to death and can't leave him, but it sounds like the original man you love so much, left you a couple of years ago. I'm sorry if that comes across as harsh, I don't mean to be I just really feel for your situation and think your really getting the short end of the stick here and are being very noble - but maybe your missing the point that everything you loved, everything your trying to get back never will because it's been gone for a couple of years.

Your a wife above all else, not just a caretaker. If he reverted to that of a 6 year old - could you still be intimate with him? Theres a point where if someone changes to much, either by brain injury, or just in life in general - you just can't sync with each other anymore. Some colors just don't mix.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I hear you EC - and can't say that I haven't thought about this or agree, but it's not that simple.

Everytime I start thinking this way...I remember the "in sickness & in health" part of my vows and then start feeling guilty and that maybe I'm not sticking by them like I should and that when the going gets tough, I shouldn't be thinking about going.

I love him, I've built a life with him and I want him, warts and all, medical issues and all. I just want a little effort in my direction and I want to feel loved, appreciated, wanted, etc. I want to feel like a WIFE, not just a caretaker.

Maybe I'm just asking too much...I'm just soooo lonely.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MWIL, I only have a few minutes, but here's what comes to mind after reading some of your story...

You aren't only looking for sexual connection, or even just physical connection. It sounds like for you it is connected to an emotional need you have for closeness and intimacy with him--emotional closeness.

So, I guess I wonder a few things:
What is the purpose of the porn for him? Is it a way to help him become physically aroused and he hopes that will lead to him being able to touch you or receive your touch?
Does he or can he make an emotional connection with you in a way that doesn't intrude on him? Either non-physically or in another limited way?

It doesn't sound fair. I can't imagine all the ramifications of a brain injury, but this isn't fair to you.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I can understand if he can't or won't have sex. Some days are better than others when dealing with an ongoing medical issue. What's the problem with a tender pat, or handholding.

No you are not asking for to much. You are a vibrant young 50yo that was looking forward to being with husband as you got older. Now you have been cheated out of it. No ones fault, just life sucks sometimes.

I have no advice. I do feel bad for you, but at the same time admire your commitment to your husband. Have you checked into a support group? Might help, sure couldn't hurt.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> MWIL, I only have a few minutes, but here's what comes to mind after reading some of your story...
> 
> You aren't only looking for sexual connection, or even just physical connection. It sounds like for you it is connected to an emotional need you have for closeness and intimacy with him--emotional closeness.
> 
> ...


I think you've hit the nail on the head - I'm looking for the emotional connection that comes from intimacy - not just the sex itself (since that doesn't work all the time either).

I don't know what the purpose of the porn is - to be honest, I think its just habit. He gets on the computer, checks his e-mail, checks deal of the day websites, checks his e-bay, then his porn sites - I really do think some of it is habit.

I don't think its to get aroused. I've discovered sometimes he's on them when I'm in the same room on the other side of the screen - I think he's bored, since he can't work and probably never will again and it's just something he does everyday, like brushing his teeth!

Sometimes he does make that connection, depends. He did about three weeks ago when he wanted to hold me, tell me he loved me, didn't want me to leave, etc. He was actually crying - never done that in the entire time we've been married.

But it's like he said yesterday when I picked him up to go home - put on your seatbelt, you might die in an accident and then who would I have to ***** at (I told him...so true and buckled up). 

It's not fair and I'm in counseling, trying to deal with it - but just on this rollercoaster about the whole situation and what's right, wrong, just, you name it.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

4sure said:


> I can understand if he can't or won't have sex. Some days are better than others when dealing with an ongoing medical issue. What's the problem with a tender pat, or handholding.
> 
> No you are not asking for to much. You are a vibrant young 50yo that was looking forward to being with husband as you got older. Now you have been cheated out of it. No ones fault, just life sucks sometimes.
> 
> I have no advice. I do feel bad for you, but at the same time admire your commitment to your husband. Have you checked into a support group? Might help, sure couldn't hurt.


I'm in a support group that meets weekly also, in addition to my counseling and our counseling. It's helped with a lot of issues, but this is the one roadblock we can't seem to get past. And the more I want to talk about it, the more he clams up (typical, I know). 

I get an occasional pat, or hug, etc., but on his terms. I have to be careful if I reach out first, that is such a terrible feeling I can't even explain it properly.

So I just stew about it, cry about it, can't touch him for comfort, don't get anything back, etc. In fact, it doesn't even phase him anymore when I get upset - he used to hold me and calm me down, now he just asks me to leave the room if I'm going to cry.

The brain is a funny thing - I can't even begin to understand it, I just know that the man I love and have been married to is no longer the man I sleep next to each night...but, he looks the same - so confusing, its hard to put into words sometimes.

I just need to get up off my ass and quit whinning and deal with it, accept it and move on. Easier said than done though.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

It seems to me that you are trying to keep your vows, but he is not keeping his.......

The way you are feeling really says it all. If he was trying but was having ED issues etc I would say he is at least making the effort and you have something to work with. But he's not meeting lots of your basic needs. Even simple touch.

That doesn't leave much to work with. I really hope you find some comfort because what a bad situation to be in.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

You got that right EC. I'm in a bad situation that I can't seem to handle right or take myself out of. A proverbial rock and a hard place.

I'll hash this all out in my therapy session tomorrow and see if my doc has any further input or tools I could use. My husband sees him also and trusts him, so...maybe its time for another joint session.

I'll let everyone know what my therapist says tomorrow - he is WELL aware of everything that is going on - husband doesn't tell him all of it, but I do.

My husband did call and ask if I wanted to go to lunch with him before he went to his physical therapy appt - I would have, but I had already gone, so said I was sorry. He's acting again like he didn't just stomp the crap out of my feelings last night.

Everybody at work says if you want to feel better about your life, just go have a short talk with ***. I guess everyone has problems, some worse, some better.

Maybe I need to find a blog where everything is hunky-dory, maybe that will make me feel better or get drunk when I get home - that works too.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> I don't know if it possible for you not to think about this anymore.
> 
> I do feel that you love your husband a lot and you don't want to do anything to hurt him.
> 
> ...


I do comment and try to provide some help to others on TAM. But sometimes I feel like a hypocrite - how can I give any advice when I can't even handle the issues in my own marriage?

But I do try where I can - but its hard to expect anyone to take advice or input from someone who can't even fix their own crap.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I think it's a good idea to hash it out in therapy tomorrow.

I'm not trying to focus in on one small detail of the whole thing (the porn), BUT if I were in your position I would wonder what its purpose is, given your husband's inability to sexually connect. I would bring it up and ask him what it "does" for him, if anything.

I'd also ask about what you brought up with his affection to the cats/pets, but not to you.

In other words...he can look at something sexual and potentially stimulating, but not engage sexually with you?
And he can affectionately touch the pets, but not you?

It may have something to do with implicit (or explicit) pressure he feels when the sexual or physical touch involves YOU as opposed to something with no "strings attached"--the porn or the pets.

But, if he's in therapy on his own and with you (and he can show affection sometimes, like you said), then your emotional needs must be important to him.

It almost sounds like he is giving himself permission to be "unable" to meet your needs, but f therapy is supposed to help you make progress, not REgress.

I would focus on the emotional connection over the "inability" to sexually or physically connect. And let him know that those little pats or touches that are "on his terms" can go a long way, and mean a lot. 

I hope things get better.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

You brought up some valid points - especially the emotional connection over the "inability" to sexually or physically connect and the no pressure from porn or the pets. Very thought provoking for me.

I will definitely touch base with my therapist on these tomorrow. All I know is what I'm doing isn't working and I think sometimes is just pushing him away which makes it worse.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I do comment and try to provide some help to others on TAM. But sometimes I feel like a hypocrite - how can I give any advice when I can't even handle the issues in my own marriage?
> 
> But I do try where I can - but its hard to expect anyone to take advice or input from someone who can't even fix their own crap.


It's OK, a lot of them just want some comfort and some one to listen to them. 

Sometimes you are in a same situation, that can really provide comfort. 

I don't think I can't help others much either, I just bubble bubble bubble. Very often some people would call me down for giving silly advice. I am used to it. I still do it. They can take my advice if they like it. They don't need to take my advice if they don't like it. I just want to make them feel happy. Like right now, I just want you to know that I care about you and want you to be happy. 

It is always easier after we decide which direction we are going to take. If you decide to stay with your husband, focus on what you should do so it makes your life easier to stay. I don't think you are thinking about the other direction, which I really admire you for your courage. Your children know what you are doing, they'll respect you for that. You are teaching them to be responsible adults. One day, your husband's mind becomes clear, he'll appreciate you for that.

If you drop the hint that you want to leave, he might be devastated.

Something just crossed my mind, I am probably wrong. Does he feel bad that he can't give you what you want. He wants you, but he also wants you to be happy. He is doing something on purpose to drive you away. If that is what he is doing, I will respect him a lot. 

Call me silly, don't take it seriously! I am like a child, sometimes just weird ideas come to my mind!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Update.

My husband decided to have a little chat with me about the "touching issue." 

He said its not my problem, but his. And that when I constantly touch him it builds up and makes it hard for him to deal with it. He kept repeating - this is my problem I'm trying to work out, not yours - everything is not about you - its my problem. I have a tendancy to take everything he does as towards me personally - I'm working on this but its hard when its just the two of us - it feels personal. He made a lot of effort last night to make it clear that its not personal - its an issue he has and he's working on it and I need to quit thinking its about me - he said we would get along a whole lot better if I stopped thinking everything he does/says is towards me and negative towards me (he probably has a point here). My therapist has told me before that I have a "catastrophic" or they also call it "histronic" type personality and I need to relax.

Anyway, I got drunk (suffering for it this AM), but we were intimate (as much as we can be with all the med issues) and everything feels okay this morning.

Its something I'm going to discuss with my therapist this morning - why do I take everything personally towards me, I know this, but how do I stop it. It might be the reason its keeping me from being as happy as I could. My husband says its the reason why there isn't more intimacy - that I pull away because I feel I've been slighted by him - maybe he's right.

Anyway, will post what my therapist thinks after my session today.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Update.
> 
> My husband decided to have a little chat with me about the "touching issue."
> 
> ...


MWIL,
As a woman, I know what this is about.

We don't feel secure. People are not hostile toward us, but we think they are. 

I had to fight very hard for this weakness. It used to be my weakness. 

Once I read a sentence, it says that we should clean our heart regularly, we tend to store garbage in our heart, we have to get rid of the negative thinking(garbage), and let love take place of the negative stuff. 

Insecurity is one of the negative things! When we feel insecure, we become paranoid!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

There is this other sentence, the wise says that we have to learn how to protect our heart. 

If we care too much what people say to us, it is not protecting our heart. No matter good or bad. 

We jump up and down if people say good things about us. We become offended if people say bad things about us. It is all not good for protecting our heart. 

We need to feel confident of ourselves, who cares what other people think about us. 

But we want love and affection from our husbands, this is different. But we should know very well they love us or not. He is trying to assure you that he loves you, he has his own issues to deal with. He needs help and support.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

:iagree: I think my expectations are too high based on the circumstances. I'm going to work on this with my therapist.

Sometimes I think we cause our "own" unhappiness. Maybe that's what I'm doing.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Actually it is the truth. 

We cause our own unhappiness. 

If I don't count my life before I was 30. Lets start from the time when I met my husband. 

7 years, same man, same job. 

I haven't had many marriage problems with my husband. We fought a lot at the beginning, but it was all normal couple fighting. People always need sometime to understand each other better. 

What was bothering me a lot was my work, my boss, my co-workers, my students, and my family. I was complaining a lot. Every night when I saw my husband, I would complain to my husband about something or somebody. It was tiring. 

Then I started to become serious about the Bible, I finished reading the Bible in two months, the whole Bible, I didn't just read it, I underlined all the great sentences I liked. I started to change my opinion about life, drastically. I stopped complaining, the Bible really despises people who like to complain, it is death sentence if you complain about GOD. Anyway, it is a very negative personality. I learned to control my anger, another very bad personality for a person to have. I learned to respect people, I learned not to feel superior to others. I learned that everybody is important. I learned a lot..............

Now I am reading Buddhism stories, they are all great stuff to teach people how to seek peace. 

My husband is still the same, my job is still the same, but I have changed. I have changed from negative to positive. 

That's why I have a peaceful mind and happy mood here!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Update.

Had my counselling session and here's how it went.

1. Counselor does believe my expectations are too high based on husband's medical/neurological condition.
2. He agrees that I'm taking too much personally - that I have to remember there are neurological issues involved here that can't be helped.
3. That my husband is more insecure than he likes to show (macho man and all), and that what I say cuts deep for him even if he doesn't show it.
4. The "touching issue" is neurological in nature and that he's doing the best he can and that its not directed at me per say.
5. That I need to be more positive and less negative.

And for final parting words he added this: "sometimes you need to shove sunshine up your own ass."

I love my counselor, he is straight to the point.

So - I need to be more SECURE, I need to be more patient - he said marriage is an ongoing journey - it is not going to be roses all the time, that we will constantly be changing, challenging each other and evolving - that as long as we love each other enough to "try", then that's what were supposed to be doing. He said we are good for each other and challenge each other (he counsels hubby, me and us together so he knows us well).

He said chill and relax - he loves you, you love him - you have an oppportunity here to get closer and more open with each other based on his injury - he said this is a GOOD thing and not a BAD thing, to embrace it.

So...I am going to be more patient, less demanding, more understanding, more positive and more uplifting. I am going to try hard, I may backslide, but I am going to try.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I am so happy for you that your therapist helped you get a handle on these questions!

Being patient and managing our expectations is hard--every single day I need to be conscious of myself about this. Right now I'm committing to waiting for our next counseling session--in a WEEK--to bring up specific questions.

I am vicariously benefiting from your counselor's advice to you, I think I could use it right now too (different facts and details but similar dynamics in some ways).

And that includes the advice about sunshine! I'm on it!


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## mitzy (Mar 22, 2013)

First, it is not my intention to be harsh, but here is my take on this as I can relate to some of this, minus the brain injury.
The dead give away's were the porn and the cats. Other poster and you are right on with question WTF is up with that inconsistancy. I think I know WTF, as I have a husband that doesn't look at porn (as far as I know) but does the thing with the cats, he would cruelly stroke the cats for long periods of time, knowing I wished it was me, while he would do this he stared right at me, as if to say, "look what I will do for the cats, but KNOWINgly deny YOU, and the porn is the same transference mentality. He WANTS you to think it is you in a very passive aggressive way. Why? It is his way to cover up something, and that is his "secret" aggression towards you. 
Since you say your are 50, I am guessing he is that old or older. He may, again I think you indicated this, have trouble with maintaining what he needs to sexually (mechanically speaking) and his PRIDE is injured. Being so dependant on you has also injured his pride. Because of these two things he is punishing you.
I think he is using the brain injury at this point to cover his hostility about BOTH situations, and you are safe to vent on, even in covert ways. Somehow he has transferred to you blame, for issued HE,and his manly pride hasn't accepted. You are handy to dump that on, and of course he then feels guilty about that and his dependance and so NOW, rather than realize these are HIS feelings about the situation he isn't dealing with, again he dumps his guilt on you. 
I got a similiar negative/self defeating/covert hostility/blame me for the problem from my husband when HE began having difficulty. (the relationship wasn't too good even before that in many ways anyhow) The covert hostility is a killer and in reality does nothing to "fix' the situation and if confronted he will deny this, and being guilty of hostility towards YOU, will make him think this is justified. Men have a very hard time accepting this ring around explanition, so THEY can avoid dealing with their own stuff...they want to avoid that too, as men's pride and ego often is way overfunctioning compared to their hearts and minds.
He will NEVER admit that is what is going on either. He isn't really liking your "understanding" as it just drives the point of his dependance home also, but he is scared to totally push you away so that is the "push me pull me" behavior. 
I will tell you I don't think the outlook is good at all, and see him as being immature and selfish when he knowingly denies you, and makes it YOUR fault...this is how he won't deal with HIS fault (fixing this defeating cycle and how he rationalizes it as YOUR fault, not his)
Even with sick people there comes a time when the nursemaiding needs to stop, so the person hurt can start to work toward independant living.....even in SEVERLY injured persons, they have obsticles that THEY need to overcome, some even have to learn to walk again and they won't if they always have a "human crutch' to avoid this. You are in some ways offering yourself as a "human crutch' he doesn't want to heal to the next step and frankly is afraid, this is coming out in covert hostility. 
So I suggest a total turn around, stop begging, nagging or trying to figure it out, stop hovering (this can be very annoying when it is time to start doing for self) you probably think you are doing the right thing, but need to back off. I know this sucks as YOUR own needs are screaming at you, it has been too long. I am with you there lady. But, it won't ever change if he feels pressured and hovered over, and isn't allowed to "choose" for himself to make the change. Otherwise he will resist.
You are on the very edge of a war, and frankly NO one can predict the outcome.
You need, for you and him, to just NOT focus totally on him. I know this is hard and you are very much in danger of some kind of affair or something as your human needs are screaming at you and can't be ignored anymore, recognize that. But don't do something to harm you, the guilt of an affair will kill you right now, so for YOU don't go there. I know, totally unfair.
The only hope for a slight turn around (which may be all you can hope for at this point) is that you can cuddle and stroke each other without anger/resentment/and being pushed away, and truthfully that might not happen either, and you will have wasted your "best years'. 
Rest assurred lots of women face this with or without a brain injury. This is a man's issue, dealing with his waining sexuality and it effect lots of men, and yes, they push their wives innocent affection (as they don't understand the goal oriented full sex act drive isn't a womans prime need, as is their, lots of showing affection is key for a woman) isn't the only reason for a woman's affection or how much women need just touching or cuddling. yes, we also really really like sex, but absent of that cuddling touching is pretty damn good substitute, and he can still pleasure you in many ways, but this is his PRIDE talking to you NOT common sense. 
Go ahead and try a complete turn around, always take extra care on your appearence, go out with others, try and reshift your focus....if none of that works to get you a hug at your time of choosing, then sadly I think (and know from my experience) YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO LIVE AT ALL WITH THIS CRUELTY OR his avoidance to understand how much it affects you if he doesn't change, and there is a good chance it might not, if it has been two years and getting worse. You should not have to tolerate cruelty for ANY reason for the rest of your life. The sickness and health part applies to him too, he is still bound to you to show affection and what he can, even if HE is the sick one.
Hope this helps


Hone


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I wonder if there's a way to get a pop-up that says "zombie thread alert" when the reply button is pressed ...


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I remember years ago when my mother was seeing a therapist because she no longer knew what to do about my dad, as far as how he treated her due to his mental issues etc. (This went on for years, her seeing a therapist) One of the main things she said that stuck out in her mind that the therapist told her was, "Since divorce is not an option for you, then this is your life." 

He didn't mean it in a ugly way or anything, and my mother did not take it like that either, she understood what he meant. He treated her poorly over the years due to mental illness etc, he didn't want to always take his meds etc. She was given advice on things to do and try just to be able to live with him, plus she loved him too, but no matter what SHE did or tried, he was still ugly acting. She knew in her mind that if she was not going to leave, this was her life. So she learned how to detach when she needed to and make a life for herself, she also had to learn to not take the things he did or said personally. I think that has been the biggest challenge for her. As much as she cared for him and loved him it just wasn't ever going to be the way it used to be. So this was her life. 

That might be what you have to do as well MWIL.


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