# Is she a victim too?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Overall, reflecting on the time the missus and I have spent together, and the present issue we are facing...

Especially after reflecting on this post here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/408673-post35.html

Even though my wife is very high maintenance sexually, and her selfish manipulative tendencies from time to time - which ties into her very high maintenance, in every other way she has been a good wife. She puts up with alot and all she asks is 'quality time'. Sure she has issues but... looking back at my posts it seems it's all rather one-sided with me as a victim.

Are there any of you who believe she's also a victim too?
If so, what have I been doing wrong, and also, how can we both work towards a compromise where we can both be happy?


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## roamingmind (Jul 20, 2011)

I have been following your posts and from what you described, I initially did have the impression that she is rather selfish and manipulative and is the one with issues. Now I still stand by this. However, as I read on, got to know a little bit more about the whole story, and I think I understand her a little more. 

One thing somewhere from your posts struck me --you said " inside, she is still a baby" and it seems to me that she is doing what a baby is doing -- crying and whining until she gets what she wanted-- and she doesn't know the proper way to get it from you-- and is it because of her upbringing ( you mentioned about her mom) or is it because of your enabling and giving in ? Most likely both -- others have provided plenty of insightful comments. 

With your two most recent posts, I started wondering if sex is the only way she is emotionally assured with your love -- you know, with your affair in the past, and that you don't seem to appreciate her in other aspects of life? I don't believe the term " victim" in a relationship becuase it's about mutual choice. But to answer your question -- yes, in a way, I believe she is a victim in a sense of your insensitvity and unappreciation. 

As what to do--- you have made a list of what you think you don't do enough to be a good husband; why not start improving these things ? I think it is also necessary to tell your wife what you are posting here --- I believe she needs assurance other than sex, but since she is not getting it other way, sex becomes the only way. 

She still need going to counseling and firm boundaries of yours , but maybe you can show more appreciation, respect and trust, both words and action.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Only you can answer what you've been doing wrong, RD. 

Nobody is perfect in a relationship so I am sure you have your faults too. I think in the past one thing that is noticeable is you haven't had good boundaries with her in your marriage, placating her just to smooth things out. That isn't a good thing.

Also, I really feel you should discuss the cheating with her so you guys can address that issue. It's obvious she is still very hurt by what you did.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Erm... if the missus finds out I've been posting on here, she might understand me more (but I tell her how I feel anyway so meh), and understand how much I do care about her and love her even if I'm playing hard-a$$ at the moment... but I'll never be able to come back to this forum again for my problems -> as she'll read everything.

But yeah, I can see where you guys are coming from, boundaries with sex is incredibly difficult and believe it or not... by sexually withdrawing from her I've realised how dangerous a "game" I'm playing too bc now I fear her cheating if I don't give in - even with her proven track record.

As for my other issues... I'm never going to be as transparent as her, I know it will help but it's something I just can't do. Like for example -> I need my privacy for this forum. If she reads everything what kind of use will I have for it?

Some minor stuff I can change but other stuff... a ton harder, like me telling her to outsource for sex is actually subconsciously a fitness test, and I don't trust her being a rich princess to be content if her lifestyle went from riches to rags no matter what she claims, and I ain't going to risk our safety by showing her public affection in this rough area.

How can I work on those failings? Like sure I should stop calling every badly cooked meal she makes an "alien recipe" (I'm in the F&B industry which ups my standards severely), but for those above, it's difficult. Meh, I guess I'll talk about this to the counsellor too.

BTW...
@Jellybeans

I don't know how to help her in regards to my cheating in the past. She's forgiven me but she can't forget. Trust is rebuilt but it will never be 100%, I can say sorry 1,000,000,000x more but it won't help =/


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