# His needs, her needs



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

I have always seen people recommend the book His Needs, Her Needs when dealing with infidelity.

Knowing that I won't have to worry about that in the future, I have no desire to get the book. I just have a simple curiosity.

I know one cannot summarize an entire book in a post, but if anyone has read it and is willing to share some highlights, I'd like to know what some of the things are in the book.

What stood out to you?

What parts do you think are utter baloney, or spot on?

Does it do any blameshifting?

Thoughts?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I read it a while ago. but in essence as I remember it, it is a Mars, Venus type idea that is trying to get the understsnding of the way the different sexes think about and view things, such as relationships, sex, etc and how they prioritize them and what makes them click. It is basically trying to show how women are enticed by emotions more than physical prowess and the exact opposite with men and derive the common ground that the two can talk about their wants, needs, and desires and build a better and stronger relationship. It is a good read for anyone I believe, as are the 5 Love Languages.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Actually, even the author doesn't recommend that book as a first-read in cases of infidelity. _His Needs, Her Needs _is for people who want to improve their marriage. It's not really intended to help couples deal with infidelity.

That said, I do recommend the book. But it's probably more useful after R is successfully underway and the relationship is more stable. It's focus is on helping readers to understand emotional needs, that they can vary, that marriage is about meeting your partner's needs instead of what you think your partner's needs should be. It's not a manual for dealing with infidelity.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

vellocet said:


> I have always seen people recommend the book His Needs, Her Needs when dealing with infidelity.
> 
> Knowing that I won't have to worry about that in the future, I have no desire to get the book. I just have a simple curiosity.


 How are you so sure you will not need this? You FUBAR towards the idea of relationships too?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

One big takeaway for me was there are many needs we each have, and they are not necessarily obvious or the ones we see on Dr. Phil.

For example, I have a need for domestic organization and tranquility. That is, I need a house which is generally organized, not chaotic. When I come home I don't want piles of everyone else's stuff everywhere in public areas.

A woman may need a man who presents well and is a good conversationalist when out socializing.

A lot of these needs are probably learned as children, while others may be genetically programmed. The point is that we need more than a good listener and good sex. Even when we find some of our important needs aren't being met, chances are our spouse is meeting many others we haven't consciously recognized or given them credit for.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

A woman's top needs:

Affection
Intimate Conversation
Honesty and Openness
Financial Support
Family Commitment

A man's top needs:

Sexual Fulfillment
Recreational Companionship
Physical Attractiveness
Domestic Support
Admiration

Harley explains why these are top needs and how to implement them.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Read Willard Harley's two books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Surviving An Affair". The former is good for marriages not rocked by infidelity nor other grave issues but it isn't a really a good book for betraying spouses trying to recover from infidelity. And the latter svcks royal a$$, for nobody should have to go through what Jon did after he came back home early from a business trip and caught his WW Sue in their marital bed, banging the OM. The crap that poor guy went through after that is the stuff of nightmares.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I often suggest the book “His Needs, Her Needs” for couples who are having marital issues, big or small. That includes couples trying to recover from infidelity.

The basic premise is that there are 10 basic needs that people have in marriage. When a couple (or one spouse) starts to fall out of love they don’t understand what’s going on. Generally people know that something is missing but don’t know what it is or how to express it. 

Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration

The book helps both spouses identify their needs. It has both spouses rank the needs in order of what is most important to them.

Soccermom2three listed what Harley says are the top 5 ranking that most men and women clients of his give. Some people misunderstand the book to be saying that this is how it is for men and women. That’s not what the book says. It says that while those rankings are what most of his clients say, that each person has to rank it for themselves because we each differ and our circumstances differ.

For example, my list is different from the list he gives for what his women clients generally give. That’s probably because of my circumstances. I married for companionship, sex, etc. I did not marry to have someone support me financially. I can do that for myself. 

The book helps people define their needs, define how they their spouse can meet their needs, and they who a couple can talk about their needs and meeting their needs. It’s not meant to be a onetime exercise. We all change over time. Our needs change. So revisiting this at least once a year is a good idea.

How many times have we heard of someone saying that their spouse is just unhappy but does not know why. Well this book is meant to help them figure out why and then for the couple to figure out how to get both of their needs met and to give them the language needed to discuss all this.

The book has a companion book, “Love Busters”. Love busters are the things that people do that basically slowly chip away at their spouse’s love for them. For example a love buster is yelling at one’s spouse. Another love buster is a spouse who comes home from work, sits in front of the TV and ignores their spouse and children. Enough years of this sort of nonsense and there will be no love let. Love busters have to be addressed firs. So this should be the first book that a couple reads and works on. Once both spouses have stopped the love busting, they can start working on rebuilding love/passion by using the methods discussed in the “His Needs, Her Needs” book.

The book “His Needs, Her Needs” is absolutely meant to be used by people who are trying to recover from an affair. The marriage is broken after an affair and it has to be rebuilt from the bottom up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Dogbert said:


> Surviving An Affair".
> ….. svcks royal a$$, for nobody should have to go through what Jon did after he came back home early from a business trip and caught his WW Sue in their marital bed, banging the OM. The crap that poor guy went through after that is the stuff of nightmares.


It’s unfortunate that Harley used the story of Jon and Sue to introduce the idea of Plan A. Plan A is basically what he suggests that the BS does until the WS agrees to end the affair and work on the marriage. It’s a lot like the 180 but adds in that the BS start working on bettering themselves and letting the WS see this.

The reason I say that it’s unfortunate that Dr. Harley used the Jon/Sue example is that it gives the impression to some that Plan A should be followed for months, and even years. Keep in mind that it was Jon, not Dr. Harley, who wanted to spend months and months doing Plan A until Sue gave up her affair and returned to the marriage. I think that he used that example because it went on for so long that it gave him a lot of material to discuss. But I think it has mislead a lot of people to think that Dr. Harley is suggesting months of Plan A.

Yet later in the book he very clearly states that most people cannot do Plan A for more than a week or 2. 

One statistic that Harley does talk about is that when given time, something like 90% of all WS will return to the marriage and want to recover the marriage within a year of discovery of the affair. So for those BS who really want to recover their marriage despite the affair, waiting it out might make sense. But that’s a personal choice.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

I've never read the book, but I can see just from that quoted list that people would not always be able to articulate their needs. And that they would change over time. I know I never realized the importance of honesty and openness in my marriage until I found out that I didn't have it!

But even for a single person, it's good to self-reflect and figure out what your needs are in a relationship, when deciding to get into a new one or not.


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

I quit this book when i read that the dr suggested to the patient who confessed of an affair to keep it a secret from his wife and continue this his her needs program to make their marriage better. Great idea doc ! Let's build a marriage on a rotten foundation, just forget that affair, pretend that nothing happened and take away his wife's chance to make an informed decision. Entitlement still running strong. Blechh


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Daniel. said:


> I quit this book when i read that the dr suggested to the patient who confessed of an affair to keep it a secret from his wife and continue this his her needs program to make their marriage better. Great idea doc ! Let's build a marriage on a rotten foundation, just forget that affair, pretend that nothing happened and take away his wife's chance to make an informed decision. Entitlement still running strong. Blechh


I have no idea what Dr. you are talking about who suggested that the patient keep his affair secret from his wife. Dr. Harley would never do that as he teaches and believes in absolute radical honesty. His first rule about infidelity is that the cheater must tell their spouse.


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I have no idea what Dr. you are talking about who suggested that the patient keep his affair secret from his wife. Dr. Harley would never do that as he teaches and believes in absolute radical honesty. His first rule about infidelity is that the cheater must tell their spouse.


I've read too many of affair books that they have their own shelves, so might have confused this with 5 languages of love, my bad


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Strange that Dr. Harley, the author and guru of that site, himself stated that if he was cheated on, that he would never talk to his wife again.

"My wife, Joyce, let me know early on that if I ever had an affair, she would not divorce me, she would KILL me. My own response to an affair by Joyce would not be as drastic. I wouldn't kill her, I'd just never see or talk to her again. That's what I thought I would do."

Coping with Infidelity: Resentment (Part 4)

Yet the advice is to try Plan A crap? Seriously? How can anyone take this book seriously, when the authors would consider infidelity a deal breaker?


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

My experience: this book is a waste of time. 

The best thing to do is have a set of agreed boundaries in marriage and see how it goes.

I read the book with my wife and she proceeded to ignore most of what we read, even though we agreed on the content.

1. Book recommends not to "Talk to opposite sex about spouse". Wife said that was a horrible thing to do. - Using a VAR, I heard my wife laughing at me with a male colleague. 

2. Book mentions that relationship should be open and honest. Wife agreed on this daily. Later on wife locked her computer and would not let me see her emails to male colleagues.

There are biological differences between men and women that many psychologists simply ignore. It is a detailed subject that warrants a seperate thread.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

I have zero tolerance with new age psycho-babel.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> Strange that Dr. Harley, the author and guru of that site, himself stated that if he was cheated on, that he would never talk to his wife again.
> 
> "My wife, Joyce, let me know early on that if I ever had an affair, she would not divorce me, she would KILL me. My own response to an affair by Joyce would not be as drastic. I wouldn't kill her, I'd just never see or talk to her again. That's what I thought I would do."
> 
> ...


Not that I agree with Harley on everything but infidelity is worse than a deal breaker for me. I would go terminator on my ww and om. That being said, I have helped several couples R who wanted to and I could see it as a healthy choice. 

One of my closest friends was horribly cheated on and really treated like shyt and I helped him R. He and his fww are doing fantastic today, approx 6 years after D-day 4. That path will never be for me but it was for him and I had the knowledge and will to help him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> How are you so sure you will not need this? You FUBAR towards the idea of relationships too?


Me personally I am not anti the book but I am anti infidelity. It serves to me as one of my 3 automatic deal breakers I am filing for divorce tomorrow. So unless reading this book will somehow magical make my wife un****ed but the other man it would do nothing for me.

I did however read several books prior to getting married. If someone recommended that for a pre marriage book I would likely give it a try. Just not to fix infidelity.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

IIJokerII said:


> How are you so sure you will not need this? *You FUBAR towards the idea of relationships too*?


Yup to the bolded. I still believe in them, just not for myself.


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

It doesn't really matter if the love tank full or not, it's about loyalty and respect for the spouse. 
Some great folks in terrible marriage can stay loyal because they don't have the cheating bones. They know and respect the boundaries, and if there's any problem they'll try to fix it not run away. Everything is upfront.

But for some people, they're gonna cheat anyway because it's who they are. Research result from business insider said that 45% of cheaters claimed to be in happy marriage. It's all about extra ego strokes, thrill from deceit, that's why many BS got so gobsmacked during dday, if it ever come to light.

I think it's a decent book but overall there's no such thing as affair proof method, people who enjoy cheating will cheat. It's all about the personality


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Me personally I am not anti the book but I am anti infidelity. It serves to me as one of my 3 automatic deal breakers I am filing for divorce tomorrow. So unless reading this book will somehow magical make my wife un****ed but the other man it would do nothing for me.
> 
> I did however read several books prior to getting married. If someone recommended that for a pre marriage book I would likely give it a try. Just not to fix infidelity.


But as was previously pointed out this is not a book for addressing/ fixing infidelity, it is a book for relationships. It is aimed at getting the sexes to realize the other thinks and analyzes/ desires things differently than your gender and how to better communicate with your partner. It is just usually mentioned in this forum as it is a way to get the communication lines open if trying to R.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Ok, so the book is more of a guide not so much to help prevent infidelity, but how to understand each other better if I'm hearing correctly. 

More appropriate for, as one poster said, when recovery is underway, rather than a reaction to infidelity?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Surviving the Affair is the reaction to the infidelity book that is good.

This is a guide in bettering and understanding relationships, just like the 5 Love languages (or in some cases Men are From Mars, Women From Venus).


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

vellocet said:


> Ok, so the book is more of a guide not so much to help prevent infidelity, but how to understand each other better if I'm hearing correctly.
> 
> More appropriate for, as one poster said, when recovery is underway, rather than a reaction to infidelity?


Yup, that's my take on it. Definitely it does not address processing infidelity. The book is either for beefing up a marriage with no infidelity, or for after the initial stages of R.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

vellocet said:


> I have always seen people recommend the book His Needs, Her Needs when dealing with infidelity.
> 
> Knowing that I won't have to worry about that in the future, I have no desire to get the book. I just have a simple curiosity.
> 
> ...


HNHN is a wonderful book that really breaks down the differences between men and women when it comes to relationships. It can be a great launching point for couples to strengthen and build a better union. That said it is not a book for those recovering from a massive betrayal. I only recommend HNHN to those who are trying to R after infidelity.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Daniel. said:


> I think it's a decent book but overall there's no such thing as affair proof method, people who enjoy cheating will cheat. It's all about the personality


I agree to some extent but not all cheaters are the same. They can range from a drunken ONS to a serial cheater. The "affair proof" works on those who are more prone to the ONS but not the habitual cheaters. One is due to broken boundaries and the other is due to a broken mind.



lordmayhem said:


> Strange that Dr. Harley, the author and guru of that site, himself stated that if he was cheated on, that he would never talk to his wife again.
> 
> *"My wife, Joyce, let me know early on that if I ever had an affair, she would not divorce me, she would KILL me. My own response to an affair by Joyce would not be as drastic. I wouldn't kill her, I'd just never see or talk to her again. That's what I thought I would do."*
> 
> ...


That's what EVERYBODY says prior to being cheated on. The truth is no one truly knows what he/she will do until that bridge is crossed, even the good Dr Harley himself.

Needless to say that just like BS who have children with their WS would feel the pressure to R, the good doctor has a successful business that would surely suffer if its founder didn't practice what he was preaching to others. He would have more pressure to R than to D.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

knightRider said:


> My experience: this book is a waste of time.
> 
> The best thing to do is have a set of agreed boundaries in marriage and see how it goes.
> 
> ...


From a lot of the posts I've read I think some TAM posters could write much better books on these subjects. I like how this "doctor" writes a book about how to deal with infidelity and then admits he hasn't had to deal with it.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

HNHN is a book I think that any young person having reached maturity should read. I wish I'd read it before I was married, because I married young and had zero clue, other than the feel good chemicals buzzing and the 3rd party perspective of watching my friends date in HS/College. I knew people very well, just not in terms of relationships and respect. I was a psych undergrad. Now I'm older and hopefully wiser since my divorce. I'm much more in tune with meeting my SO's needs as well as getting my own met.

It is not a cure-all, and like all types of self-help literature, it requires an open, keen mind and some of it simply won't apply or will be a no-brainer.


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