# one year after she vheated on me



## jack_1970 (Jan 22, 2014)

i would like to know why i cant sleep and keep thinking of her cheating , its been almost a year there were some ups and down but not im feeling nostalgic about the event , i keep dreaming of it and all i want to do is forget it and move on, ive had counselling , ive taken medication for anger issues, i feel like im the only one making the compromises' . i cant talk about it because we get into arguments and then she turns this around and then i should apologise, i need some advise is this just a stage or will i always feel like it was my fault :scratchhead:

im going to try to make this a detailed possible but with little words 
last January she befriends a co-worker on Facebook come home jumps on the computer to chat with him , happened more often than I would have liked , them find a deleted message that he love her , I get angry and forbid he being friends , this would happen over and over them find she made a new profile to talk with him , then tell her I've had enough and I'm leaving her she begs but really had enough...that day I go to speak to someone in a social help center, she tells me to make a list of bad thing and good things of course there was way to many good things so I give her another chance all the time she asking to be friends with him and meet him to talk to him to reassure me that's it all good , I do on the 13 of feb, I didn't get a good vibe from them at all , so of course I tag her phone that night on the 15 feb she calls me saying she has to close the bar when infact she went to his place D-DAY, I was so hurt it was the same feeling as when I lost my mother , she was sorry and begging me no to leave her , (oh btw we had booked a vacation and were leaving the week after D-DAY,) I was ashamed and didn't want the kids to know or my family and the vacation was with my sister and brother . so decided to make it work and go on the vacation pretending all was good. during the summer she was still working with him and caught her talking with him , of Couse im the guy who's in the wrong I blew up and tried to beet him but fate made me slip on the floor on my ass and thank god I did cause I would prob be in jail... them again id had enough , but still stayed now hes no longer working there and all has been going well . exept that ext one year after she adds another new co worker a cook like the othe guy around the same age and I asked her not to and she says its nothing I will never do this to you again , I believe her I try to explain that its just the same type of story and it make me think of that but yet she telling me im over reacting , im not worried about this guy or what she will do its a reminder that im trying hard to forget and get passed , but she oblivious to what im trying to tell her that we get to aguments and turns something back at me , I love this woman very much we have a great life just I wished she would think of me and my feelings , she thinks everything is fine and I shouldn't be a downer all the time , 
we were seeing a therapist but I think he didn't help I was prescribed antidepressants that did make me feel better but side affect I couldn't ejaculate can I say that was a whole new prob on top the other lol so stopped taking them . and his story was she did this cause something was rong in our relationship and now she had to live with the fact she cheated on me , it makes me feel responsible , 
can anyone tell me is it going to get better am I going to be able to move on with my life and be completely happy and trust her again


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

She is not remorseful. Why stay with her? Do you have children?


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I agree she is not remorseful. Has she stopped the affair and become more transparent or did she just get better at hiding it? 

Are you sure reconciliation is for you?

Did your counselor address the issue or rug sweep?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

That's why my ex is now my ex. When we attempted to reconcile (several times) I told him that sometimes when I feel triggered I need to express that hurt, and him being my 'life partner' should be there to console me and support me. (After all he was the one who stuck the knife in my back). He said he would. But he would not. He would attack my character instead. And I did not bring his A up often. I was aware of not doing that. But sometimes you just can't help it. 

Can you attend MC and see how you can deal with the triggers and how SHE can support you in dealing with them? 

Have you been assessed medically for depression? 

I read that only about 35% of people can stay with a cheater, the majority just can't do it. Congrats to those who can work it out!, but sometimes the hurt is just too deep, and one needs to walk away to save our sanity.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

How did you find out about her affair? 

Did she confess? What has she changed since D-day?

Did she get tested for stds? Did you go to counseling?


----------



## wonderinggirl (Jan 16, 2014)

This doesnt always mean she is not remorseful. What is the story behind this? If she is turning this around on you, there must be other issues. She cant turn it around if you have done nothing wrong. Have you cheated too? 
I'm not making excuses for her. Cheating is wrong no matter how you look at it. 
Does she want to save the marriage? Do you think she is still cheating?


----------



## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

wonderinggirl said:


> This doesnt always mean she is not remorseful. What is the story behind this?


While I agree we need 2 know more of the background here... 



> If she is turning this around on you, there must be other issues. She cant turn it around if you have done nothing wrong.


This is not true. Cheaters quite often blame their spouse for their affairs. There's never any justification for having an affair. if the cheater has a legitimate complaint about the marriage, they should take it up with their spouse, not have an affair.



> Have you cheated too?
> I'm not making excuses for her. Cheating is wrong no matter how you look at it.
> Does she want to save the marriage? Do you think she is still cheating?


Yes, more info would help.

-ol' 2long


----------



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

jack_1970 said:


> i would like to know why i cant sleep and keep thinking of her cheating , its been almost a year there were some ups and down but not im feeling nostalgic about the event , i keep dreaming of it and all i want to do is forget it and move on, ive had counselling , ive taken medication for anger issues, i feel like im the only one making the compromises' . i cant talk about it because we get into arguments and then she turns this around and then i should apologise, i need some advise is this just a stage or will i always feel like it was my fault :scratchhead:


Jack

Funny you post this today been up the last 3 nights with the same stuff always the same dream wakes me up, been at least a month or so since my last bout with this. For awhile I hardly slept at all hour here or there (22 months since dday) but over the summer it started getting fewer and fewer episodes. I am not sure but I believe there will always be times when this affects me sleep wise, as far as thinking about it happens everyday sometimes just moments others I will fixate on different things for hours.
My advice try to occupy your time, I listen to a lot of music especially when I am working ( I work by myself so the days can be horrible).
For the other why apologize for your feelings as long as you are not cruel or rude to her why? She is the cause of your feelings her choice has brought your relationship to where it is today, you didn't ask to feel this way and it isn't your choice it was forced upon you.
It has been echoed here many times you are responsible for half the issues in your marriage the other half are hers, but you are not and never will be responsible for *her* choice to cheat.
Any rational person will tell you getting into a relationship outside your marriage is not the best way to fix you marriage, if that were so we would all be screwing around and enjoying perfect relationships.
If your spouse wants to stay married and would like the marriage to thrive then maybe she should be responsible for her actions and work harder in helping you recover from your trauma.
My advice and my opinion take it for whatever it's worth.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Refuse to be played's wife forever sorry.

Read what this woman did to make it up to her husband. Yours falls short of her. LIGHT YEARS short.

Did your wife tell everyone the rumors of the affair were true but that it was her? His did. THAT is remorse. And the woman equivalent of GIANT BRASS balls.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Anyone else smelling something went underground?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

jack_1970 said:


> i would like to know why i cant sleep and keep thinking of her cheating , its been almost a year there were some ups and down but not im feeling nostalgic about the event , i keep dreaming of it and all i want to do is forget it and move on, ive had counselling , ive taken medication for anger issues, i feel like im the only one making the compromises' .


You are NOT in True R, you are in False R. The emotional trauma from being betrayed such that it is on the same level as the death of a loved one. It takes on average, 2 to 5 years to recover from the trauma of infidelity - and that is only if the WS (her) is helping you. You are only one year out, its only natural that you continue to trigger. Yes, all you want to do is forget it, but I have news for you: It's simply not possible. We are not robots that can have our memories deleted/erased. 

You can only have True R when the WS is doing the heavy lifting. And by heavy lifting, I mean, her being transparent. Being able to talk about it. Comforting you, reassuring you when you trigger, apologizing about it. 



jack_1970 said:


> i cant talk about it because we get into arguments and then she turns this around and then i should apologise, i need some advise is this just a stage or will i always feel like it was my fault :scratchhead:


Look at this picture.










This is what you and her are trying to do: Rugsweep. You know what that lump in the rug is? That's your resentment building. It's going to continue to fester and build when you rugsweep. It can only result in three things: Either you have an a RA (Revenge Affair), violence, or you let it fester and it ruins your life. There have been quite a few threads here where the BS comes here and posts that his WS cheated years ago and they have not been able to recover from it because they rugswept it years ago. It poisoned their life. 

Your WW is NOT truly remorseful. Because if she was, she would be understanding, be able to talk about the affair and your feelings, and comforting you and reassuring you through it. Instead, she continues to blameshift and make it like its your fault. Seriously? YOU are the betrayed spouse, and it's your fault? Do not accept that. Do not accept any of her blameshifting. You cannot have real reconciliation without true remorse, and she is not remorseful, not one bit. 

Look at this table. Its a good gauge about how truly remorseful she is.










If she continues to rugsweep, that shows she's not remorseful and in some way, feels justified with her affair. That means she is open to another affair in the future. Do you want this?

You need to draw the line now. Otherwise you will continue to be miserable and your resentment will continue to grow and fester and poison your life.


----------



## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

jack_1970 said:


> i would like to know why i cant sleep and keep thinking of her cheating , its been almost a year there were some ups and down but not im feeling nostalgic about the event , i keep dreaming of it and all i want to do is forget it and move on, ive had counselling , ive taken medication for anger issues, i feel like im the only one making the compromises' . i cant talk about it because we get into arguments and then she turns this around and then i should apologise, i need some advise is this just a stage or will i always feel like it was my fault :scratchhead:



I got a good advise: FILE!


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

The arguing should have stopped by now. Typically you should be able to approach this with a little less heat a year out. Without knowing more it does seem to have been rug swept or the two of you do not have the means to discuss it.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> Anyone else smelling something went underground?


I'm thinking that is a good possibility considering the red flags here: rug sweeping and blame shifting. These are usually the red flags of an active affair. This should definitely warrant further investigation. We've read similar stories here.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I think your not sleeping is your gut telling you something? Your wife wants to argue about your feelings? Everyone is right she is not showing remorse, the questions is why, no love, no respect or is she cheating again.

Your wife should be doing back flips to keep you happy and she should be saying she is sorry. Over and over again. 

Are you checking phone records, emails, keyloggers again?


----------



## jack_1970 (Jan 22, 2014)

wow thank you every one for the reply it did make me feel like someone is listening to me , overnight I will reply my whole story its a long one and abit screwed up but will post this later when the wife is in bed thanks again everyone


----------



## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Yep false R for sure with a side order blameshifting and unjustified guilt. Remorse is not what she displaying. Rugsweep to the max. Throw a grenade like divorce. Probably would shake her tree a skosh. My 2 c's.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

man your feelings are totally justified, my god, of course a second guy with the same pattern will make you trigger and be uncomfortable, her whole attitude is just wrong


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

If you post more, please take a bit of time to organize it into paragraphs. You are perfectly justified in feeling the way you do, and those feelings will not go away if you just try to suppress them. You do need to talk about them. You need to ask your wife all the questions that drive you nuts. Over and over, until you get it out of your system. Yes it is hard. Yes, she needs to face facts, and take accountability for bring s complete failure as a wife, and decent human being. Then maybe you can forgive her. As it stands, not a chance. What consequence has she faced really? Sounds like you both are working towards the premise that the affair was your fault. Bull****. What choice did you have. She made the choice. and she lied to you about it. A lot. You should be angry. You should be hurt. You should not be abusive, but you should certainly share your inner feelings. You need to be honest just as much as she does.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

jack_1970 said:


> wow thank you every one for the reply it did make me feel like someone is listening to me , overnight I will reply my whole story its a long one and abit screwed up but will post this later when the wife is in bed thanks again everyone


It's been five days. Can you post your story?


----------



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Well, It's been 3 months and I'm still waiting for an apology. If I don't get one very soon I can tell you I won't be hanging around. F that. She seems pretty remorseful and clearly guilty and it yet to start dealing with her own issues, but should that matter. How long should I wait. A tough place to be.


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

jack_1970 said:


> can anyone tell me is it going to get better am I going to be able to move on with my life and be completely happy and trust her again


No, because she isn't trustworthy. She is playing you because you are allowing it.

Move on, let this other dumbass have her triflin' ass.

Oh, and I understand being angry at another guy that doesn't care if he is helping to hurt another guy by sidling up to his gf/wife. But you shouldn't want to beat him up because it is your girlfriend that you should be more angry with.

I mean, if you want to beat him up, then what would be her consequences?


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

jack_1970 said:


> wow thank you every one for the reply it did make me feel like someone is listening to me , overnight I will reply my whole story its a long one and abit screwed up but will post this later when the wife is in bed thanks again everyone


Please break up your story in paragraphs its hard to read when its becomes too many lines of text clumped together..


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

jack_1970 said:


> I would like to know why I cant sleep and keep thinking of her cheating, it's been almost a year there were some ups and down but not im feeling nostalgic about the event , I keep dreaming of it and all i want to do is forget it and move on, I've had counselling , i've taken medication for anger issues, i feel like im the only one making the compromises' .
> 
> I can't talk about it because we get into arguments and then she turns this around and then I should apologise, I need some advise is this just a stage or will I always feel like it was my fault? :scratchhead:
> 
> ...


_

Ok I tried to edit your post for readability.

I think your wife is still having an affair.

Take ten minutes and read my story - linked in my sig - although there was only about 6 weeks between my DDays, your story sounds like mine. I was in denial, but luckily when I took positive action - as you seemed to have done - it stopped the affair.

There are some other similarities, but I do believe Lord Mayhem is correct as is weighlifter.

Your sleeplessness is, I believe, an indication that you know your wife is still cheating. You need to sort that out before you do anything else.

I suppose the first thing would be to reply here, though _


----------



## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

You don't need medication for anger issues; you need a spouse who doesn't cheat, lie, and blame you for her mistakes.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Wow my d day was also on Feb. 15 2010

BTW your old lady ain't remorseful .

Your old lady hasn't learns a damn thing on how to affair proof her marriage. Maybe just how not to get caught again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If your old ain't going to help you heal then you'll have to do on your own ...what sucks is she can't b around you to do that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Oh god I would be devo if I got through round one with the wife and she did that a year later. So sorry man. I'm not sure there is way forward from here but hey everybody is different. Nobody can make assumptions about your situation. For me, I wouldn't be able to live with that.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Jack---its your sub--conscious that is messing with you---do you have the total and complete story----if you don't then your sub--c is gonna fill in the gaps with imagination---without reality---who knows where YOU are as to R

As to your wife---she needs to be totally accountable/remorseful, and with an understanding---that she is responsible for the possible destruction of everyone involved-----
From now on you are NOT TO ALLOW any arguing/blameshifting/switching/contact with other men---none of those things---SHE IS TO KNOW---THIS your game by your rules, and if she doesn't wanna do it right---then there is no mge

Get the F off the drugs---you need to man up, and act with some self respect, and self esteem, or YOU ARE NOWHERE

As has already been said---she may be deep underground with the original lover, she may be starting something with the new guy-------bottom line---YOU CANNOT BELIEVE ANYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF HER MOUTH, CUZ SHE IS A PROVEN LIAR

You have a major weapon use it---THREAT OF D/D


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Its been six days, probably a drive by posting.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

jack_1970 said:


> wow thank you every one for the reply it did make me feel like someone is listening to me , overnight I will reply my whole story its a long one and abit screwed up but will post this later when the wife is in bed thanks again everyone


No need to add anymore to the story. She cheated, you forgave her but never resolved why she cheated, and because you didn't deal with it strongly the first time, she might be doing it again.

Stop begging, stop asking, stop pleading.
Sit her down and ask her nicely to remove the co-worker from her page. Then ask her to quit her job and find another one, remove her from the environment that is enabling her cheating. Ask her to start MC. These conditions are non negotiable. No to any of them or yes and she hasn't done any of the three by the next day, don't go and ask her again. File and hand her the papers.

You're not serious, and hence you're not being taken seriously, hence you are here now doing the same stuff over and over again. Stop it because at this rate she'll cheat again, you just won't know it.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Agree with above except I would have her look for a job then quit. Probably with a find one or else deadline but the loss of income can be devastating.


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

MSP said:


> You don't need medication for anger issues; you need a spouse who doesn't cheat, lie, and blame you for her mistakes.


Exactly. Being angry because you have a cheating wife isn't having anger issues. It called justifiable anger caused by some other POS.


----------

