# Help, If I talk to my Best friend about this anymore, she will disown me! LOL



## Momaste (Feb 17, 2012)

So about 5mns ago, I was in a very vulnerable lonely place and I met this guy, who seemed so perfect, so loving so gentle. So of course I ignored all the obvious signs staring me in the face, such as he hated everyone in the world, lived in filth and garbage, all he did was smoke bongs all day and play video games. Well I have always worked really hard, so it became a situation where he has not worked for 5mns and I have supported him and his addictions. Dont get me wrong he can be very helpful around the house with laundry, cooking dinner, helping me with my two children etc. Which he throws in my face. The way he speaks with my children i am not very fond of, its as though he speaks down to them, yes they need to be disciplined, not sure if that is the way to go about it. I feel so confused. I am 9 weeks pregnant, ya leave it to me to end up in this situation. He calls me names, and yells at me and pretty much tells me I am always wrong. I have been sooooo sick and tired and he has been helping around the home, but making me feel terrible about it, he is so grouchy I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time. it takes one thing and it sets him off and its always when he hasnt had a bong. My children are my first priority!!! love them too pieces, I am so blessed!

I hate to think, I have failed at another relationship, I wish we could talk, but it just ends up so immature, he shouts and name calls, we never get anywhere - i just get so frustrated that I tell him to leave, like I did tonight.... I think he is still awaiting to hear whether he is allowed back or not...

Help please!


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

He's showing you who he is. Don't Try to change him. Get rid of him before he hurts your kids
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Momaste (Feb 17, 2012)

Thanks for your in put, he seems like he is trying his wife in Norway kicked him out and sent him back to canada, where he feels like he was just a sperm donor for there two kids. Mind you i find it really odd he never calls them, doesnt even know how old they are. But he seems to really want this baby and is trying to turn his life around, smoking less and helping out. I just don't know what is worse, and will it ever get better. The odd thing is that my children say he is nice, but in my opinion I dont see him ever being nice to them, aside from doing what he has to do.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He sounds like a loser.

And he's married? And has kids that he doesn't see? He probably wanted them too until the 'work' of parenthood showed up.

He is who he is and right now he's a jerk.

My dad was the same for years. Just a jerk. Don't think your man will magically change into the person man/father. He won't.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And what does your friend say about it? Does she tell you to kick his stupid ass out and move on? Probably. lol.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

that_girl said:


> And what does your friend say about it? Does she tell you to kick his stupid ass out and move on? Probably. lol.


That made me laugh out loud. I don't know why.

OP he sounds like a tool. You can do better than that.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

This guy sounds like the poster child for loser. Get yourself and your kids far away from him before they start wasting their lives like him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

You cannot seriously think that this guy is the best influence for your kids for the short or long term. You think he is a bit of a jerk to them now? Wait till "his" child arrives on the scene. 

The longer you wait the worse it is going to be. The drug thing should be a deal breaker. I know he makes a mean pasta and does the laundry but you truly are not serious right? Have you read your post lately?


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

You deserve better. Get rid of him.
He doesn't love you, or your kids. People don't treat each other that way when they love each other.

If he really loved you, he'd quit drugs, get a job, help support the family & treat you with respect. It doesn't sound like he does any of those things.

He's a loser. Like I said before, get rid of him!!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Why oh why are so many women attracted to guys like this?

OP - either accept him as is or cut the cord and move on. He is who he's going to be.


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## Momaste (Feb 17, 2012)

Your right why are we attracted to guys like this, the thing is he can be incredibly funny, and he is very intelligent and can be very focused on there schooling which is nice. I guess what I am trying to say is he is not all bad, I just need to decide what I can live with and what are my deal breakers. I really appreciate you guys taking time to respond to my question.

i wish things were easier, like you just knew the answer. I am scared to have a baby on my own, I am going back to school next week, and this will be a lot on me. Plus he just started working, which could really help out. I just wished one of his major pleasures in life was not marijuana. I wish he could find self discipline.

I am a yoga teacher, its crazy how I was even attracted to him in the first place, he is so opposite to me. He is angry at the world, and I love life. Maybe I need to pray about this...

Again, thank you guys!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Momaste said:


> Your right why are we attracted to guys like this, the thing is he can be incredibly funny, and he is very intelligent and can be very focused on there schooling which is nice. I guess what I am trying to say is he is not all bad, I just need to decide what I can live with and what are my deal breakers. I really appreciate you guys taking time to respond to my question.
> 
> i wish things were easier, like you just knew the answer. I am scared to have a baby on my own, I am going back to school next week, and this will be a lot on me. Plus he just started working, which could really help out. I just wished one of his major pleasures in life was not marijuana. I wish he could find self discipline.
> 
> ...



It seems to me that it would be easier to raise the baby on your own because when he is around you are having to raise him too.

It sounds like you wanted to fix him, you where doing the female version of a white knight.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Do what's best for your children. They are innocent and do not deserve this drama in their lives. I would consider putting the baby inside you up for adoption. Children do not deserve to be brought up in a situation as you describe.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> It seems to me that it would be easier to raise the baby on your own because when he is around you are having to raise him too.
> 
> It sounds like you wanted to fix him, you where doing the female version of a white knight.


Totally agree. :iagree:


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## Momaste (Feb 17, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> It seems to me that it would be easier to raise the baby on your own because when he is around you are having to raise him too.
> 
> It sounds like you wanted to fix him, you where doing the female version of a white knight.


You nailed it, thank you for that. I think I have been trying to fix him since the beginning, turn his life around. he really has come a long way, just i cant do the rest of the work for him, its exhausting me. Thank you my friend.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Geta away from him. Now. It's one thing for him to talk down to you (and that is rude) and be mean, but it's a whole 'nother ballgame when he's mistreating/speaking poorly to your CHILDREN. You are suppose to protect them, not put them in the line of fire.
I pray he isn't leaving his bongs around your children.
You already know the answer to this one.
Next time choose your partner more carefully before moving in with him not just for you but especially your children who have zero choice in the matter.
And birth control is a GREAT idea.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Momaste said:


> Thanks for your in put, he seems like he is trying* his wife in Norway kicked him out *and sent him back to canada, where he feels like he was just a sperm donor for *there two kids. Mind you i find it really odd he never calls them, doesnt even know how old they are. *



O 
M
G

Knowing this you decided to have a relationship with him???


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Something that alot of people seem to overlook is that smoking marijuana can become an addiction. Because it's not heroin or cocaine or the other harder drugs, because it's 'just pot' the longer effects of addiction are rarely taken seriously.

Personally I have had those addicted in my life, my girlfriends have/do .... we know how it can end up. As you are experiencing, when he runs out, he's cranky (which can escalate pretty quick to aggressive), when he gets more, he's happy. Just like any other addiction. And it's every day. For those living with it, it's not easy to cope with.

Can he quit smoking and become a better person? Absolutely. I have seen with my own eyes people overcome many addictions. The only clincher is - he has to want to quit. And it's not easy. But if he is willing, he will. Suggest he go to the doctors for some help and a chat.

Whatever his past, he is now going to be the father of your new child. There are two scenarios - he can quit, get help, grow up, get in contact with his previous kids and move on in life with you. Or two - he's a total deadbeat, moving from one woman to another for support, is possibly dangerous around your kids, is lazy and has no intention of changing because he's not willing - he's happy where he is.

It's up to you to decide which one he is, and how much you are willing to invest. Either way, if you did make a mistake with another relationship, just be more careful next time - don't overlook the obvious warning signs just because you might be lonely. You have kids to consider when you introduce someone into your lives.

Don't make your decision based on fear - you're pregnant, you will be ok, don't stay with him just because he is there. Decide for yourself - and be smart - exactly who he is and what the future holds and take it from there.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> O
> M
> G
> 
> Knowing this you decided to have a relationship with him???


I was wondering if anyone else would pick up on that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Momaste, the behaviors you describe -- verbal abuse, temper tantrums, inappropriate anger, lack of impulse control, blame-shifting, controlling nature, and instability -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Of course, only a professional can determine whether his BPD traits are so severe as to meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having the full-blown disorder. Yet, even when they fall well below that level, such traits can make your life miserable and undermine a friendship or marriage.


Momaste said:


> He calls me names, and yells at me ... I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time.


That's the way everyone feels when they are living with a BPDer (i.e., person with strong BPD traits). This is why the #1 best selling BPD book (targeted to the partners) is called _Stop Walking on Eggshells._


> i just get so frustrated that I tell him to leave, like I did tonight.... I think he is still awaiting to hear whether he is allowed back or not...


If he is a BPDer, he likely will be back if you allow it, never mind that he is always criticizing you. A BPDer typically has a great fear of abandonment and hates to live alone. This is why the #2 best-selling BPD book is called _I Hate You, Don't Leave Me._


> it takes one thing and it sets him off and its always when he hasn't had a bong.


An untreated BPDer is always carrying enormous anger just under the skin. This means you don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to say some minor thing that TRIGGERS the anger that is already there.


> I wish we could talk, but it just ends up so immature, he shouts and name calls, we never get anywhere.


If he is a BPDer, his emotional development is frozen at the level of a four year old. Hence, whenever you try to discuss a sensitive issue -- and nearly ALL issues are sensitive to a BPDer -- his anger will be triggered in 10 seconds. This means you can never have a serious, calm, rational discussion about any important matter because, with a BPDer, you are always just 10 seconds away from him putting that four-year-old inner child in charge of his actions.


> he hated everyone in the world


A BPDer typically does black-white thinking, wherein he categorizes everyone (including himself) as "with me" or "against me" -- i.e., as "all good" or "all bad." Because there is no middle or grey area, he will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based only on a minor infraction, tone of voice, or idle statement. 

This all-or-nothing thinking also will be apparent in his frequent use of extreme expressions like "I _aways_..." and "you _never_...." BPDers have this distorted perception of other people because they are extremely uncomfortable with ambiguities and experiencing strong mixed feelings.


> He never calls [his children], doesn't even know how old they are.


This lack of concern for his own children -- as shocking as it is -- is NOT a BPD trait. I've never met a BPDer who had no affection for his own children. Instead, it is a sign of traits of another personality disorder. This does not mean, however, that he doesn't have strong BPD traits. Rather, it only means he has other issues too. This is not uncommon. Most folks having strong traits of one PD also have strong traits of one or two others also.


> Maybe I need to pray about this...


I suggest that you also read more about it -- if you are still thinking about taking him back in. Specifically, I suggest you read about the nine BPD traits so you are able to spot the red flags. It is not difficult to spot them because there is nothing subtle about traits such as verbal abuse, blame-shifting, and temper tantrums. 

I therefore suggest you read my description of these traits in Maybe's thread at My list of hell!. If that discussion rings a bell and the traits sound familiar, I would be glad to discuss them with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Momaste.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> I was wondering if anyone else would pick up on that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Great minds 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KJ5000 (May 29, 2011)

After reading all of those negative qualities and getting involved anyway, his Pipe Game must be tight!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

An abortion is also an option. Not meaning to be cavalier. He's not in any way good for your kids. You say you'll do anything for them, but right now it is just lip service.


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## Momaste (Feb 17, 2012)

Thanks Uptown, I agree that he is exhibiting BPD traits. 

Jellybean, I am not a dumb girl, he has excuses and explanations for everything, and they are in Norway and we live in Canada, so I understand distance wise, mind you that is all I understand. I always try to see the good in people, and I am very trusting. in the case it is a fault I know, but don't we all make mistakes sometimes? God, knows I am not perfect, but my intentions are good.

"and as far as him speaking to my children not very nicely, I am probably the only one who would see it that way. I am very gentle with them, I discipline through love and empathy and get down to their level. So when I see other forms of discipline which aren't like my own, used with my children it bothers me."

I have left him, he no longer lives here. I have considered abortion, I am not sure how I feel about that, I am a social worker, and have already informed everyone at work as well as my children, I feel they would be heart broken. 

Then again, I do see your point, I don't really want to be attached to this individual for the rest of my life, but if I am lucky he will just leave us be. I am an incredibly strong and independent woman, I have never needed the assistance of men in the past. To be honest I haven't been in a relationship since their father. I took the time to soul search and just focus on my little sunshine's. This guy just talked a really good game and snuck by my radar.

I know that nobody knows me and everyone has there judgements, this is my first time writing in a forum, it has been helpful and that I am thankful for. On the other hand I also found it very hurtful, people are quick to make there assumptions. 

Do you all really think abortion is the right answer? If there is one thing I am amazing at its children, I run the Religious Exploration for Children program at my church. I love children more than life itself! Am open to hearing opinions though, because my time for that is running low


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Please don't bring your kids up in this type of environment. What they see now while they are young is what they are going to consider "normal". Do you want them in this type of situation when they are older?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Momaste said:


> Do you all really think abortion is the right answer? If there is one thing I am amazing at its children, I run the Religious Exploration for Children program at my church. I love children more than life itself! Am open to hearing opinions though, because my time for that is running low


I brought it up because it is an option, but not one to take lightly. If you have religious beliefs that would make this a problem, that is perfectly understandable. My point is that you have more choices than you first outlined. Having a baby on your own is a huge stress, especially if you don't have family support near by.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Great minds
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I picked up on it. But....pointless to bring up...she won't listen.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

that_girl said:


> He sounds like a loser.
> 
> And he's married? * And has kids that he doesn't see? He probably wanted them too until the 'work' of parenthood showed up.
> *
> ...


Oh wait, I did bring it up. lol It was just mixed into the rest of my crap.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

> Do you all really think abortion is the right answer? If there is one thing I am amazing at its children, I run the Religious Exploration for Children program at my church. I love children more than life itself! Am open to hearing opinions though, because my time for that is running low


No, you dont' really love children because you allow them to be abused.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Momaste said:


> Thanks Uptown, I agree that he is exhibiting BPD traits.
> 
> Jellybean, I am not a dumb girl, he has excuses and explanations for everything, and they are in Norway and we live in Canada, so I understand distance wise, mind you that is all I understand. I always try to see the good in people, and I am very trusting. *in the case it is a fault I know, but don't we all make mistakes sometimes?*


Erm....I wouldn't call it a MISTAKE not knowing how old your kids are and blatantly opting out of their lives. Those are all choices he makes. The fact that you are trying to justify this is... well, good luck.



that_girl said:


> I picked up on it. But....pointless to bring up...she won't listen.


Probably true. Sadly.


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## Momaste (Feb 17, 2012)

Wow are you guys always this mean to people on this forum? Is this your way of welcoming people, by the way if you didn't read, I did listen and take your advice and the relationship is done. You guys so quickly point out other people who are acting inappropriately, but how about your own actions. In my opinion you are just bullying and belittling, probably in order to make yourselves feel better about your own existence. I was just asking for honest responses, which I appreciate. As well as hoping for some support through this. I have heard enough of your negativity, bringing people down does not promote positive change by any means. I wound appreciate it if you no longer posted on this topic, thank you. There are more constructive ways to be spending your time.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

If you don't want to hear opinions, do not post.

Glad that you ended the relationship. Maybe it is time to look into IC for you and your children?

I have some issues in my marriage that I do not post about, because I would rather handle them with my husband. I know that if I do post about some of our problems, TAM members have the right to respond.


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## Momaste (Feb 17, 2012)

totally I agree firstyeardown, I appreciate responses like I said, it is just the negative ones that are not constructive that I was referring too. I personally try to encourage people rather than make personal attacks - which are clearly in the rules as not allowed. I chose to post, because I thought people would be kind and helpful, thats all.


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