# Trouble with my first week of N.U.T.S!



## Satuno (Jun 25, 2013)

Ill sum it up as shortly as I can, Married 4 years, dated 7 months got pregnant, had little baby girl, got married, pregnant again, another baby girl, 6 months later is now. make sense? good! babies are 2.5 years and 6 months old

Ok majority of the relationship I have let wife do what she wants, and compromised who I am down the point of being nothing but an apologetic video game playing slob. 

I changed all that when I got us into couples therapy with a GREAT counselor. Last week he said My mom needs to be cut off due to her narcissism as it was destroying my marriage. This woke something in me, and I agreed, and did more research on my own, stumbled on these forums, and bought the hold onto your nuts book, finished it today, and I have been living with the following Nuts as best I can.

ME

* I am my word
* I will show my love for my family every day
* I will not lie or exaggerate 
* I will not be afraid of standing up for my family, or myself
* I will motivate my family to be positive 
* I will work out every day
* I will surf once a week
* I will grow and learn (language and skills)
* I will be the rock 
* I will not be a boy playing video games
* I will use my sexual energy toward my wife
* I will not compromise my beard

WIFE

* I will love my wife as I love myself
* I will not argue with her
* I will listen, and not try to fix or belittle
* I will be passionate in everything to her
* I will not tolerate disrespect toward her, or from her
* I will not defend my feelings 


Kids
* I will love my children with everything I have
* I will teach them respect, and give them my respect
* I will teach them honor, and discipline
* I will always listen to them
* I will not ignore them


Work
* I will show respect to my coworkers and managers
* I will not make excuses
* I will not take shortcuts
* I will not be negative

So I have felt really good about myself, and all the "arguments" have been one sided, I didn't fight with her, I just spoke my feelings when I thought it was appropriate, and listened to her complaints. 

She wants me to apologize for things (like working out at 6:00am before work, because one of our daughters was up at 6:30am and I didnt take care of her. They get up at 6:30am -7:00am every morning) 

Before our discussion, before I knew she was mad I came upstairs after putting the girls to bed and offered to rub her feet, and she told me she would rather have an apology for my behavior the past week and a half. 

I asked her to explain, and I listened, and then she again asked for an apology, and I told her that I don't feel that I did anything wrong. Her tirade went on for a bit longer, with me saying little to more of the same, I did my best to not defend my feelings or get dragged into an argument. 

Afterwards she said that I don't help around the house, or take responsibility for any of my mistakes. She was also mad because I worked from home today, and I refused to help her with the girls, I had phone calls, and e-mails and all sorts of other work duties to take care of, and I have explained to her that when I am home she needs to pretend that I am not there. 

She threatened to take the kids and go live at her parents house, because I have been treating her so badly, and disrespectfully. 

I believe it is the opposite, I feel disrespected, even though I have been helping her and spending more time with her than ever before, I planned a date for thursday, I brought home flowers twice last week, deep cleaned the kitchen, and tons more of helping around the house that I wasnt doing a month ago.

I know having 2 babies is tough, I know her hormones are all crazy, but is this normal? Does flexing your nuts drive women mad? Could I be doing something wrong? ( its hard to explain everything and keep it as short as possible ). 

Anything but trolling is appreciated. Oh and by the way, after doing the whole N.U.T. thing, I have felt more like a man, and happier than I have been in a LONG time.


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

Damn those hormones are a b!tch... Maybe she has post partum depression!

* I will not compromise my beard...??? really what the deal here?


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## Satuno (Jun 25, 2013)

The beard Nut? I enjoy my beard, and I let a co worker basically get me to shave it because I felt insecure about it. I really enjoy it, and I don't want to let other people influence me, its more of a reminder of that situation than anything else.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Tough bit you have here.

You have chosen to decisively stand up for and be true to yourself. That's great.

You have chosen to do this at a time when your wife is likely feeling a bit overwhelmed with 2 young children.

This is a tough balancing act if you are just learning to find your feet in the relationship.

Lets start with basics. Do you love each other?


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## Foolish1 (Apr 5, 2013)

It's a hard time for your wife, with two little kids. I don't think it's OK that she's done and said the things you've indicated, but I can relate to her as I've said these out of line things to my H as well when our kids were very young. It sounds like you're doing many of the right things, try to give your wife as much leniency as possible but also I think the part about not letting her disrespect you is very important.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Good job for standing up for who you are, it is the first step.

You have to remember, you have allowed her everything for the last several years and now you are affecting a change. Nobody likes change, regardless if it will help things down the road. It will be difficult at first until the change is accepted as the new normal, then it should calm down. It has only been a week, right?

Have you sat down with your wife and calmly explained what you have learned and what direction you are going? Once you did everything she asked, now you say no. She does not like it. I suspect she does not understand what you are doing and is upset over losing some of her 'power' over you. Not understanding leads to fear and anger (over the change). Just like dealing with employees, you need to keep them in the loop of what is going on.

Oh, and if she decides to go to her parents, keep the kids and tell her to have a good time.


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## Satuno (Jun 25, 2013)

Deejo, 

I love her deeply, I am doing this for myself, but also for the life I have. We are committed to being together, hence the counseling, and I believe she loves me as well.

Foolish1,

Thanks for the words, I plan on sticking it out. I want this to work, and like I mentioned, I feel really good and happy about mnderyself. 

C3156,

I understand it has only been a week, and I think I am looking for a mirror to bounce back the reflections of my actions, and the whole situation. I need to be sure I am doing the right thing.

As for explaining to her what I am doing, I believe that would defeat the purpose of making the change. I know if I explained what I am doing and why, I would hear "Oh this is just a part of YOUR change" anytime something gets difficult, or I do something she doesn't like. What do you think? Also, "fears leads to anger, and anger leads to sufffffering" lol first thing I thought of when I read the end of your post.

Thanks for the words so far everyone!


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Satuno said:


> I understand it has only been a week, and I think I am looking for a mirror to bounce back the reflections of my actions, and the whole situation. I need to be sure I am doing the right thing.


You are doing the right thing. I had to chuckle about the beard, but if it is important to you, that is what matters.



Satuno said:


> As for explaining to her what I am doing, I believe that would defeat the purpose of making the change. I know if I explained what I am doing and why, I would hear "Oh this is just a part of YOUR change" anytime something gets difficult, or I do something she doesn't like. What do you think?


She does not have to like it but she needs to accept it. In a marriage we make compromises based on what is important to us. Some things are more important, some less than. Your wife has to understand that although she thinks things have been fine for her, they are not for you. 

You have compromised some of your standards for her based on what is important to her. Now it is time for her to acknowledge what is important to you and make some compromises of her own. 

Marriage is a two way street. Don't be afraid to stand up for what you think is important or you might get run over.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Small steps.

The working from home thing? Yeah ... that's common for the stay at home spouse, or children to presume that because Daddy is home, he's available. Make it clear you aren't ... and if you have a brief period that you are, you will seek her out, not the other way around.

If you have time to help, be specific about how long and how much. Otherwise, I would suggest a hard boundary. "I'm working. If I were at the office, you couldn't make demands on my time. Please don't make presumptions about, or demands on my time."

If she doesn't like that ... well then stop working from home, or work from home, someplace else.

And to answer your question, yes ... they will rail against the changes you are trying to make. That is the very clue that you are doing the right things.

You do need to 'listen' to her. You need to pay attention. You need to be able to determine if her criticisms of you are warranted. YOU know whether or not you are pulling your weight.

Without a doubt, she needs you, your love and your support. But ... you don't need to let her dictate your love and support should look like. I hope that makes sense.

Don't EVER apologize for something that you don't know you are apologizing for. Cheapens the apology and cheapens you.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Sounds like you are doing a great job.

Its normal for people to cry change back once you've trained them to treat you badly.


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## Satuno (Jun 25, 2013)

Thanks everyone, I talked to my Wife last night about why I want to change, and that she may not like it, etc etc. After that the rest of the night went REALLY smoothly. We laughed and joked in bed, watched TV together. I took the girls on a really long walk to the park, and when I came home it was like my Wife had fallen in love with me all over again, minus the sex. 

This morning she called me when she woke up to wish me a good day at work, since I had a service call and left early that morning. Its been months since she has done that. 

Thanks for all the encouraging words!


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## MyrnaLoy (Apr 23, 2013)

I think it's great that you're trying to reclaim who you are, instead of passively going with things. Good for you! Things are bound to be rough when you implement changes, but your changes seem like they will benefit your marriage in the end. I have only 2 comments from a wife's perspective.

1. I hate when my H works at home and doesn't help with anything. I like the other poster's suggestion of not working at home or working from somewhere else. It may seem like no big deal to you, but when my H is home, he's in my space. I feel like I have to keep all the kids quiet and calm all day so as not to disturb him. It's really annoying and he doesn't get why. It's not just your wife and her hormones. Most SAHMs (and dads!) I know, don't like it when their spouses work from home. 

2. Did you guys talk about when would be a good time for your daily workout? I get that you're supposed to be reclaiming your nuts or whatever, but with 2 young kids its really hard to have one spouse work out for an hour every day. Maybe talking to her about what would be the best time for your workout or if she would like an hour each day for herself while you watch the kids. I'm all about fitness, but it seems like it might be unfair. Just a thought.

Good luck! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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