# Does the length of the affair matter?



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

I've known about a variety of affairs through personal experience and reading these forums - the lengths range from a ONS to almost 2 decades. 

*Now I know people react differently - some might divorce over a brief EA and some can reconcile after their spouse has a lengthy affair.*

I read one case where the WS had an affair of over a decade and had a child with their AP (the BS found out years later after a DNA test) and the BS is determined to R - I'll admit I dont think I could come back from that.

Does a longer affair make it worse? I would tend to think so but what do you all think?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

The longer the affair, the longer the deception. More lies. More planning.

For me sex with another is the final deal breaker. No coming back from that. I have more self respect than to spend the rest of my life being anyone's Plan B.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'd say yes.

That said, in terms of a PA, a ONS would be all it took for me to divorce.

EA? I'd have trouble believing that an EA of any significant length never went PA. Even if I were assured of that, though, I'd be looking at details very closely in order to make my decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Truth,

If you accept the often written theory in all the books that women are emotionally involved with OM before the sex starts, it makes sense that the longer an affair with a WW goes on that it will be more difficult to reconcile from.

It also makes sense that if you believe that men primarily enter affairs for sex, it is understandable that once the sex stops through d Day or for whatever reason, that men will not "hold on" emotionally to the affair.

I think most of what we read on these forums would confirm that.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

lying and gaslighting someone is emotional abuse. There is only so much a person can take.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> lying and gaslighting someone is emotional abuse. There is only so much a person can take.


Can you imagine not knowing the paternity of your child for years and then finding out? That is such a cruel form of abuse..


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

TDSC60 said:


> The longer the affair, the longer the deception. More lies. More planning.


Great point agree 100%


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

hard to choose between the different kinds of sh!t sandwich:

ONS = all it took for you to throw away our marriage was a couple of drinks and a pretty/handsome face?

short term PA = Oh, after a few weeks you realized it was wrong? why didn't you see that before the first screw?

long term PA = long term backstabbing


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## Bitteratwomen (Jun 21, 2014)

The length of time does not matter to me. It all hurts the same.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Both are actionable. Both offenses would quickly and directly lead to divorce.

The ONS would be a sucker punch that knocked me flat to the sidewalk.



A long term affair {LTA} that lasted years would be the equivalent of {being the toad} that was put in a pot of cold water. 
The water was slowly brought to a boil. 
Salt and pepper would be added to the mix. 
A sharp fork would be continuously used to keep me {the toad} under-water, breaking the skin on my poor dimpled hide, allowing the salt to enter the wound. 
The circulating liquid pepper would fill my little toad nostrils, causing me to sneeze back all the reflections that I witnessed on the pot's inner shiny surface. 
These reflections would be the lies and deceptions that tasted like Kool-Aid and that falsely assuaged my little toad's mind and boiling hide.

The outcome?
Death by deception and a shredded to bits... pride. 
Most men are held high by their pride. Take this foundation away and you have the shell and ruins of that man.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

ReidWright said:


> hard to choose between the different kinds of sh!t sandwich:
> 
> ONS = all it took for you to throw away our marriage was a couple of drinks and a pretty/handsome face?
> 
> ...


Agreed it all sucks..I dont think there are any "good options" on this menu..


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Bitteratwomen said:


> The length of time does not matter to me. It all hurts the same.


Your view is not uncommon..for many people ONS or LTA is does not matter it is a deal breaker...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'm an "all or nothing" type of guy -- either you accept all of me or you get none of me.

For a WS to sneak around in an affair for weeks, months, and years on end is the equivalent of rejecting (in _at least_ a piecemeal fashion) his or her BS but w/o giving him/her the benefit of knowing this.

Want to cheat? That's cool. Have fun.

Know what you DON'T get to do?

You don't get to cheat while continuing to enjoy everything that I bring to the table.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Does a longer affair make it worse? I would tend to think so but what do you all think?



Hmmmm...... I think getting shot by a sniper rifle hurts at any range....


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

The longer the affair the longer the betrayal = a conscious decision every day to lie, day after day after day. I would suppose lying for a month isn’t quite as much of a betrayal as lying for a year? Hard to say I guess? 

I would say the longer the betrayal the more it hurts. You come into this living a double life reaction. “You let me live a lie for a year!” vs “You let me live a lie for 10 years!” sounds a lot worse. I think it comes down to time invested. If I’ve invested 10 years of my life with you and you end it, I’m going to be much more upset than if I’ve only invested a year. 

I think I’m having problems explaining what I mean.

But I think it comes down to how each person feels. I personally feel a deep EA is worse than a ONS. You can get PIV anywhere, but you don’t have feelings for just anyone. But a long PA has more potential to have emotional attachment as well. Double whammy.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> The longer the affair the longer the betrayal = a conscious decision every day to lie, day after day after day. I would suppose lying for a month isn’t quite as much of a betrayal as lying for a year? Hard to say I guess?
> 
> I would say the longer the betrayal the more it hurts. You come into this living a double life reaction. “You let me live a lie for a year!” vs “You let me live a lie for 10 years!” sounds a lot worse. I think it comes down to time invested. If I’ve invested 10 years of my life with you and you end it, I’m going to be much more upset than if I’ve only invested a year.
> 
> ...


I know of cases where a spouse has cheater 10, 15, 20 years - I dont see how you R after a betrayal of that magnitude..there is NO excuse - none for a betrayal like that - the one thing worse is if your pouse has a child with their lover...


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I know of cases where a spouse has cheater 10, 15, 20 years - I dont see how you R after a betrayal of that magnitude..there is NO excuse - none for a betrayal like that - the one thing worse is if your pouse has a child with their lover...


I think short term affairs are rather common. (Not excusable, but common). I’ve said before that I think part of it is just that it’s becoming SO acceptable these days, through TV, media, music, etc. It’s glorified, sensationalized, drama-fied, hell even joked about. I’ve been seeing memes on FB lately about Kyrie Irving – “If someone like Kyrie can be cheated on – ain’t none of us safe!” with funny pictures. It’s presented like it just ain’t no thing anymore. There aren’t legal ramifications, there’s no real “punishment”, people make excuses for it, some people just accept it as a way of life. 

So short affairs are just something that’s become commonplace these days. Yeah they suck, yeah they’re horrible. But who doesn’t know someone who has cheated or been cheated on? It’s EVERYWHERE.

Now the long term affairs……10, 15, 20 years………..that’s an entire separate LIFE. Mind boggling.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

For the BS, (after a Dday) the feelings of "why me" and "how could this have happened with out me knowing" are quickly followed with self-doubt, destroyed self-respect. The feeling that they are somehow damaged or inadequate as a person and that has to have something to do with the "why". A long term affair destroys the BS self image in so many ways. A drunken ONS - can also, but not to the depth of a LTA.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Only experienced reconciliation with an EA. I'm not sure how long my ex wife was having an affair for, but I think it was somewhere between 6 months and a couple of months.

I'll tell you what I learned.

With my ex, when she left... If I had known about the PA I would have tried to reconcile. My love for her was very pure and very innocent and although I would have been heartbroken, I would have seen her PA as my failing and tried to be better.

So, I'm actually really happy she gave me no choice. I'm not happy she didn't tell me why she left, but there it is.

In my second (and very much longer) marriage, I would have said that I would have immediately left if she had either a PA or an EA.

But then she had an EA. And I got lawyers engaged, I moved into another bedroom, I started talking about selling the house and realtors and custody...

And then I didn't leave. I threatened, I beat the crap out of her emotionally... But I stayed. And she did the right things, mostly... After waffling back and forth about fully ejecting this guy from her life.

The whole EA end to end was about 2.5 weeks. With one last phone call about a month or two later to make NC clear.

Maybe I'm a sucker. Maybe I want to be more hardcore and cut and dried about it than I really am. I'm glad I reconciled with her, though. We've both learned a lot.

I don't know if I could have if it was a PA. I just don't have that innocence or purity in me any more. What I do know is that dragging it on for that 2.5 weeks still causes me pain. Pain in a way that it wouldn't have been if it was a PA ONS. 

A PA ONS could be a decision one regrets once it happens. I think I would still leave, but I think I could forgive it. A long term PA or EA...

Man that just rips you apart. It's the lies that get you.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

LosingHim said:


> I would say the longer the betrayal the more it hurts. You come into this living a double life reaction. “You let me live a lie for a year!” vs “You let me live a lie for 10 years!” sounds a lot worse. I think it comes down to time invested. If I’ve invested 10 years of my life with you and you end it, I’m going to be much more upset than if I’ve only invested a year.
> 
> I think I’m having problems explaining what I mean.


No, you did a good job and I understand completely. My wife hid and lied since before we were married. Now I am left thinking the entire marriage was a sham. But a ONS would not erase everything before that.

But for me we are only discussing degrees of bad behavior. A ONS or a brief EA is a deal breaker for me even though the long term affair would be a worse infidelity.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*From my own personal standpoint, betrayal is betrayal, plain and simple! 

Getting one's genitalia hot and bothered without the benefit of one's spouse is only a self-serving focal part of the whole sordid act!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

A drunken ONS could be stupid weakness - anything more would require deliberation and planning.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I'm probably in the minority here but yes the length matters to me. For me the biggest issue with an affair is the loss of trust so I think I'd be able to work through the first ONS if the WS came clean of their own volition, showed remorse, and changed their behavior so it didn't happen again. I don't handle lies or deceit so any attempt to cover up a ONS is a deal breaker. Short term or long term affairs are a definite deal breaker due to the repeated lies and deception. Honestly though, when I discovered my XWW was cheating I wasn't as resolved while I was in the middle of the situation (damn emotions) as I am now that it is finished.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

@marduk, it's actually pretty easy to forgive.

But "forgiving" doesn't -- and shouldn't -- mean "forgetting".

Additionally, forgiving someone doesn't necessarily mean continuing to accept his or her presence in your life. After all, as I've said many times before, forgiveness and divorce are not mutually exclusive concepts.

Forgiveness is great and all, but it's for the "forgiver" and not the "forgivee".

And here's another thought... if all it takes for someone to no longer feel guilt, regret, remorse, or whatever for having comitted a transgression is hearing "I forgive you.", you really don't want that person in your life anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

@LosingHim @marduk I know of a case - where the WH had a mistress fo 20 years even gave her huge sums of money for a house - he also bragged on at least one occasion of picking up women while on the road for business - so 2 weren't enough he needed more...when his wife found out then didnt so much R as stay together if that makes any sense...but the length of this affair was mind boggling...20 years...


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

For me, I don't need to know how long. If it happened, we divorce.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Truthseeker1 said:


> @LosingHim @marduk I know of a case - where the WH had a mistress fo 20 years even gave her huge sums of money for a house - he also bragged on at least one occasion of picking up women while on the road for business - so 2 weren't enough he needed more...when his wife found out then didnt so much R as stay together if that makes any sense...but the length of this affair was mind boggling...20 years...


My wife watched this Lisa Ling show on "sugar babies" or something like that. Basically rich dudes make "arrangements" with 20-something hotties, give them an allowance and gifts in return for "dates and attention."

In other words, they're prostitues, although they swear up and down that it doesn't always include sex and that sex only happens if the girls want it to happen. But of course that's what it's really about.

Most of the girls were either in school or starting their own businesses, seemed really smart and driven and hot. And their position was that they're going to date and have sex anyway, why do it for free? They could date some 20 something dude, be poor, and then break up with them and end up with a lot of student debt. Why not date a rich handsome man and go to school and not have debt because he pays your way?

The kicker was that lots of these guys had wives, and some of their wives knew about it and approved of it.

My wife said she could actually see the logic in both ends of the 'arrangement' for all three people involved, even though she disagreed with it. For the girls, they get treated well and got money and gifts. And got to pick the rich men they hung out with.

For the rich guys, well, they got to hang out with and have sex with hot 20 something girls.

For the rich guys wives, they got to have their rich husband stay with them, got to OK the mistress, didn't have their husband hooking up with random women, and got their husband off their back regarding sex. While likely having 'arrangements' of their own.

Was an interesting show.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

The problem with that thinking is that it is often used to diminish the seriousness of men's affairs over women's. Not saying that is your intent, BTW. 

That was certainly my H argument, that his numerous PA's were just sex, whereas my one EA was worse because there were feelings involved. 

My response was that if he had come to me and told me he had fallen in love with someone else, it would have been hard, but I could have understood that. To say it's only about sex -well then, what's wrong with your friggin hand?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Look, there are no "good" options when it comes to finding out your spouse has betrayed you utterly. And what each person finds most appalling about the situation will be as varied as the breadth of human experience. 

From my experience, though, finding out that the person I thought I was married to doesn't really exist and never did, that all the shared dreams and goals that made up my vision of the future were so much ether, that all the memories that make up what I though was my shared past were false? Discovering that my entire adult life has been mostly a figment of my own imagination? Yeah, that's a very special kind of hell. 

I'm not sure you get quite that particular type of mindfvck from your partner having a ONS or a short-term affair. Plenty of all sorts of other types of mindfvck, certainly. But that utter devastation of what you thought your life was? That seems to be particular to discovering your spouse was either a long-term serial cheater or in a long-term affair. There's just something about knowing you've been lied to every minute of every day - _for years and years_ - by the one person who professed to love you above anything, that's just very...destroying.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> My wife watched this Lisa Ling show on "sugar babies" or something like that. Basically rich dudes make "arrangements" with 20-something hotties, give them an allowance and gifts in return for "dates and attention."
> 
> In other words, they're prostitues, although they swear up and down that it doesn't always include sex and that sex only happens if the girls want it to happen. But of course that's what it's really about.
> 
> ...


The WH's Gf was not a 20 something hottie either - from what I'm told he affaired way down for 20 years SMH


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Rowan said:


> Look, there are no "good" options when it comes to finding out your spouse has betrayed you utterly. And what each person finds most appalling about the situation will be as varied as the breadth of human experience.
> 
> From experience, though, finding out that the person I thought I was married to doesn't really exist and never did, that all the shared dreams and goals that made up my vision of the future were so much ether, that all the memories that make up what I though was my shared past were false? Discovering that my entire adult life has been mostly a figment of my own imagination? Yeah, that's a very special kind of hell.
> 
> I'm not sure you get quite that particular type of mindfvck from your partner having a ONS or a short-term affair. Plenty of all sorts of other types of mindfvck, certainly. But that utter devastation of what you thought your life was? That seems to be particular to discovering your spouse was either a long-term serial cheater or in a long-term affair. There's just something about knowing you've been lied to every minute of every day - _for years and years_ - by the one person who professed to love you above anything, that's just very...destroying.


:iagree::iagree::iagree: Can you imagine finding out your H or W had an affair for several YEARS - think about all the memories that are destroyed when looing back at old photos and thinking he/she was fvcking their AP during this period...much be completely devastating...


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