# Making me feel bad about money



## LadyLaura (May 11, 2017)

Hello.

First of all, I apologise in this post you find grammar mistakes, or bad expressions, english is not my native language  
I have been living with my boyfriend for the last 2 years, we are not married yet.

When we met, we lived in different provinces and after a year of dating we decided that the best option was for me to move to his place. I'm self employed and can work from anywhere, and his job has to be where he lives. I love him so I had no problem with doing that. When I moved in, he insisted he will pay most of the bills because he makes way more than I do. I insisted he didn't have to do that, but he insisted again and again so he pays most of our bills. In the other hand, after my work, I try to do all the household chores, take care of our gardens, chickens, 6 dogs, cooking etc.. I don't have a problem with this, I enjoy it. 

But there is something I dont enjoy and makes me feel really under pressure. 

He puts rules. So many. And silly ones aswell. For instance, I'm not allowed to put the mop outside the bucket, it has to be inside the bucket. He won't tell this to me nicely, he would get really upset at me If I make that mistake. If I don't hang the towel outside and I forget it inside. He will get so upset at me. If I forget to put the dishes away, or if I forget to vacuum that day, if he has asked me to put laundry but I don't have time. He gets upset and angry for the silliest things.

Today I was cleaning up after dinner and instead of brining the chopping board outside to throw the bread crumbs, I was tired, the chopping board is massive and so heavy, so I decided to lift the chopping board, and throw the bread crumbs on to the counter so I could clean them easier with a wet cloth and then throw them outside, instead of bringing that massive chopping board outside. Well, he got upset!!!! Because the wet cloth will be dirty then!! He acused me that nobody does that, that it was crazy to do that. I was so tired I answered "I will clean the cloth afterwards, is not a problem" And he said "no, of course is not a problem you don't care about things do you?, it's going to get so dirty!!! nobody cleans bread crumbs with a wet cloth!!" I couldn't be bothered and answered "Look, you do it the way you want to do it when you clean and I will do it my way..." and he shoutted at my face with anger "this is MY HOME and I PAY THE BILLS you have no respect for my things!!!!"

And this is not the first time that happens, he has said that sentence so many times. Every time he thinks I don't respect his house. Just so you know this house looks like one out of a countrylife magazine, you would never think someone lives here. Thats how good it looks everyday.

I exploded, I said I was fed up, like "Really, I have no respect for things. That's why I clean YOUR house everyday, I cook for YOU everyday, I take YOUR dogs out everyday. I do all this because I have no respect. (sarcasm) I have even offered you to pay the bills a thousand times but you won't let me. And now because you pay the bills I'm not allowed to clean with a wet cloth when I'm too tired to bring the board out? and you have to make an scene out of something so stupid? If I want to clean with the wet cloth I will do, end of the story, you won't shout at me for something like that again" I was so fed up, he kept shouting I have no respect for things. He even told me to sleep on my own today. I consider everything OURS, but I have to speak like that, like "YOUR STUFF" when I see he is speaking like it, it makes me feel like a guest or a helper, more than his girlfriend. It makes me feel so insecure, like any day he could kick me out of this place if I don't follow rules. He shouts at me if I don't want to do the things like he asks me. He doesn't even like if I eat my salad in a bowl instead of a plate, or if I don't use a knife for my salad. (I like to chop all my food in a salad so I don't need to use a knife, but it seems to bother him). I had to get upset at him for that aswell one day, I was fed up with "nobody eats its salad from a bowl", making me feel like an alien. 

Sorry for the rant, I had to explain this to someone. We are happy most of the time, but when he gets upset, he gets real upset. And for silly things. I have tried to talk about it, he is not interested, he tells me I look like a "social worker" when I want to talk about things, or like a teacher, and he finds it so boring. Yes IT HURTS.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@LadyLaura 

How old are the two of you?

He is abusive. Why are you putting up with being treated like that?

Here is a book that would help you.

*Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men * by Lundy Bancroft (Author) 



LadyLaura said:


> I consider everything OURS, but I have to speak like that, like "YOUR STUFF" when I see he is speaking like it, it makes me feel like a guest or a helper, more than his girlfriend. It makes me feel so insecure, like any day he could kick me out of this place if I don't follow rules.


The fact is that it's your "OURS", it's his. The only things that are yours are the things that you brought with you when you moved in and things that you buy with your own money. 

If you were daughter or my friend, I would advise you to leave him. Don't tell him ahead of time, just leave, with all of your stuff, when he's not there.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Leave. Just leave. He's a controlling a**

If leaving him is hard to imagine, try and imagine instead a life of this. Which is what will happen if you marry this person.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DayOne said:


> Leave. Just leave. He's a controlling a**
> 
> If leaving him is hard to imagine, try and imagine instead a life of this. Which is what will happen if you marry this person.


If she marries him, it will become 100 times worse.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> If she marries him, it will become 100 times worse.


Very true.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I would give him an ultimatum. "The next time you talk to me like I am a child, or utter the words "My house and I pay all the bills" I am leaving you. My name is not Matt, and you WILL not walk all over me ever again without dire consequences." 

When he does it (he will), make a believer out of him, and leave immediately.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

LadyLaura said:


> Hello.
> 
> First of all, I apologise in this post you find grammar mistakes, or bad expressions, english is not my native language
> I have been living with my boyfriend for the last 2 years, we are not married yet.
> ...


I am in exactly the same situation as the you except its my house and almost everything in it is mine.Your boyfriend has no respect for you,he is a controlling bully and a narcissist and he's not going to get any better unless you act decisively.He has you walking on eggshells,you cook,clean,do his laundry,exercise his dogs.look after his garden and he still talks to you like this.He doesn't treat you like a maid because no maid would put up with his abuse.Have you any idea how much he would have to pay a maid to do this amount of work.
My gf moved in with me last year and I was delighted that she did.I made it clear to her that I expected nothing from her,no housework,laundry or cooking,all I wanted was for her to move in and have our baby.(She was pregnant at the time)She does her own laundry and sometimes cooks but she is under no obligation to do so.
Do not stay in this house any longer,you have your own business so move out and see does he change his attitude.I don't think he will though,I have met a lot of guys like this who think their money lets them treat people like ****.I would be interested to know did he come from a wealthy background.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I agree with the advice to just leave.

Nothing more annoying than a picky, controlling man. Not worth the stress, especially when you can easily support yourself.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

yep hes abusive and very seldom does an abusive person wake up and say I'm an abusive asshat I think I'll change into a kind person.


RUN!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

chillymorn69 said:


> yep hes abusive and very seldom does an abusive person wake up and say I'm an abusive asshat I think I'll change into a kind person.
> 
> 
> RUN!


I am not even sure I would say he is abusive. You have to be in a position of power over someone to be abusive to them. 

She has no need to stay there. Financially and otherwise she is capable of leaving at any time.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

jld said:


> I am not even sure I would say he is abusive. You have to be in a position of power over someone to be abusive to them.
> 
> She has no need to stay there. Financially and otherwise she is capable of leaving at any time.


a·bu·sive
əˈbyo͞osiv,əˈbyo͞oziv/Submit
adjective
1.
extremely offensive and insulting.
"abusive language"
synonyms:	insulting, rude, vulgar, offensive, disparaging, belittling, derogatory, opprobrious, disrespectful, denigratory, uncomplimentary, censorious, pejorative, vituperative; More
2.
engaging in or characterized by habitual violence and cruelty.
"abusive parents"
synonyms:	cruel, brutal, savage, inhuman, barbaric, barbarous, brutish, vicious, sadistic; More


no mention of needing a position of power!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

chillymorn69 said:


> a·bu·sive
> əˈbyo͞osiv,əˈbyo͞oziv/Submit
> adjective
> 1.
> ...


So a 3 year old who says something hurtful to her parents is "abusing" them? The mailroom employee who says something unflattering about the CEO is "abusing" her?

Sorry, not buying it. The power differential is what makes it abuse--the misuse of superior power.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Her BF has power over her in that she's living in his place and under his rules. While she can end it and change the situation, she hasn't yet so the power differential is slanted heavily in his favor and he's making it known.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Bananapeel said:


> Her BF has power over her in that she's living in his place and under his rules. While she can end it and change the situation, she hasn't yet so the power differential is slanted heavily in his favor and he's making it known.


That is not going to last much longer. Or need not, anyway.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> Her BF has power over her in that she's living in his place and under his rules. While she can end it and change the situation, she hasn't yet so the power differential is slanted heavily in his favor and he's making it known.


What does that even mean under his rules.She is not a twelve year old who wants to do as she pleases,she is a grown woman who has her own business and had no problem paying for her own apt before she moved in with her boyfriend.You don't get to treat people like **** just because you happen to own the house they are living in.I had roommates for years and I owned the apt we were living in but never found it necessary to talk to anyone like this guy talks to his girlfriend.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

jld said:


> So a 3 year old who says something hurtful to her parents is "abusing" them? The mailroom employee who says something unflattering about the CEO is "abusing" her?
> 
> Sorry, not buying it. The power differential is what makes it abuse--the misuse of superior power.


As long as OP allows her BF to treat her this way, he has the power, and he is definitely abusing her. 
Fortunately, it is completely within her power to take away his power and refuse the inexcusable treatment.

 @LadyLaura 
He's not just making you feel bad about money, he's making you fell bad about everything. I hope you do take back your power. Nobody deserves to live like you are living.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> What does that even mean under his rules.She is not a twelve year old who wants to do as she pleases,she is a grown woman who has her own business and had no problem paying for her own apt before she moved in with her boyfriend.You don't get to treat people like **** just because you happen to own the house they are living in.I had roommates for years and I owned the apt we were living in but never found it necessary to talk to anyone like this guy talks to his girlfriend.


If you own the house, you get to make the rules. That is pretty standard. Remember when you kicked out your cousin and her friends? Totally within your rights as the owner of the property.

Now, if you want people to stay around, you may be flexible. You may even let them make the rules. 

But if your name is solely on the deed, then along with responsibility for that property comes the freedom to regulate it to the extent the law allows.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
He sounds like he has OCD and his compulsion is control. His way or else. I would not marry this individual unless you prepare yourself to be happy with many years of this type of treatment or worse.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> As long as OP allows her BF to treat her this way, he has the power, and he is definitely abusing her.


He is certainly not treating her the way she wants to be treated, and the way she would undoubtedly treat him. Fortunately she spoke right up to him this last time he spoke to her unkindly and aggressively, so we know she is not just taking it.

He is indeed picky and critical. He also raises his voice and thinks he has power over her that he does not really have. Not very pleasant for her, which is why she will likely (and wisely) leave him.

But I think we have to be careful about calling those things, in the context of two people who are perfectly capable of walking away from each other, at any time they choose, and standing up for themselves, with no serious repercussions, "abusive." That word gets thrown around way too easily, and really implies a power imbalance. I am just not seeing one here.



> Fortunately, it is completely within her power to take away his power and refuse the inexcusable treatment.


Leaving him takes away most of the power she may be handing over right now, with the only exception being any emotional power she may still end up giving him, like dealing with bad memories of him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Are you guys from different cultures? 
Is there an age gap?
He is being controlling and abusive, this will only get worse.
Leave him


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jld said:


> If you own the house, you get to make the rules. That is pretty standard. Remember when you kicked out your cousin and her friends? Totally within your rights as the owner of the property.
> 
> Now, if you want people to stay around, you may be flexible. You may even let them make the rules.
> 
> But if your name is solely on the deed, then along with responsibility for that property comes the freedom to regulate it to the extent the law allows.


I didn't kick my cousin and her friends out,I merely stopped them from using the extra bedrooms in my apt.They could have stayed and shared the bedroom I gave them,it was big enough.Also they had invited a load of people to stay and that was abusing my hospitality.This was not a student apt,it was in Manhattan and the other residents were mature professional people who didn't want to be kept up all night by some drunk kids.It cost me a few bunches of flowers and bottles of Scotch and a lot of apologies to placate them.
This is not what the op was talking about anyway,her boyfriend is being controlling and downright abusive and she shouldn't put up with it.She has her own business and actually left her home city to be with him.She should move out immediately.
By the way I had a great system for household chores in my apt.Whoever did them didn't have to pay rent.There was never a shortage of volunteers.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> I didn't kick my cousin and her friends out,I merely stopped them from using the extra bedrooms in my apt.They could have stayed and shared the bedroom I gave them,it was big enough.Also they had invited a load of people to stay and that was abusing my hospitality.This was not a student apt,it was in Manhattan and the other residents were mature professional people who didn't want to be kept up all night by some drunk kids.It cost me a few bunches of flowers and bottles of Scotch and a lot of apologies to placate them.


I only remember your saying that you had kicked your cousin and her friends out. I didn't recall any further explanation.

Nevertheless, whatever you decided to do, for whatever reason, as long as it was within the law, was ultimately up to you. You are the owner of the property. A very generous and hospitable owner, but the owner, nonetheless.



> This is not what the op was talking about anyway,her boyfriend is being controlling and downright abusive and she shouldn't put up with it.She has her own business and actually left her home city to be with him.She should move out immediately.
> By the way I had a great system for household chores in my apt.Whoever did them didn't have to pay rent.There was never a shortage of volunteers.


Of course she should move out. She should also break up with him immediately. That is what I would do in her position, anyway.

I am just not sure "abusive," when there is not a clear power differential, is the correct term here. And as soon as she has moved out, he has no more "control", either.


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> I am in exactly the same situation as the you except its my house and almost everything in it is mine.Your boyfriend has no respect for you,he is a controlling bully and a narcissist and he's not going to get any better unless you act decisively.He has you walking on eggshells,you cook,clean,do his laundry,exercise his dogs.look after his garden and he still talks to you like this.He doesn't treat you like a maid because no maid would put up with his abuse.Have you any idea how much he would have to pay a maid to do this amount of work.
> My gf moved in with me last year and I was delighted that she did.I made it clear to her that I expected nothing from her,no housework,laundry or cooking,all I wanted was for her to move in and have our baby.(She was pregnant at the time)She does her own laundry and sometimes cooks but she is under no obligation to do so.
> Do not stay in this house any longer,you have your own business so move out and see does he change his attitude.I don't think he will though,I have met a lot of guys like this who think their money lets them treat people like ****.I would be interested to know did he come from a wealthy background.


You said on another thread that you have household staff so you can't really compare your situation to the one here


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

jld said:


> I only remember your saying that you had kicked your cousin and her friends out. I didn't recall any further explanation.
> 
> Nevertheless, whatever you decided to do, for whatever reason, as long as it was within the law, was ultimately up to you. You are the owner of the property. A very generous and hospitable owner, but the owner, nonetheless.
> 
> ...


He is screaming and shouting at her, this is abuse


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Robbie1234 said:


> He is screaming and shouting at her, this is abuse


It is certainly not kind, nor, imo, acceptable.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I don't generally make strong, black and white statements, but I think this thread calls for one (please pardon the slight t/j, but understanding this should help the OP understand her situation as well). 

If a man beats a woman, is it abuse? 
Even if the woman has the means to escape (financial or otherwise)?

I don't know of anyone who would say that a man laying fists on a woman isn't abuse, regardless of the level of power between the two.

Why would it be any different regarding verbal or emotional abuse? Abuse is abuse, regardless of the balance of power; it is what it is. The only thing the balance of power affects is whether the victim has the means to escape the abuse, but whether or not she chooses to do so doesn't change the fact that it is indeed abuse.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

LadyLaura said:


> Sorry for the rant, I had to explain this to someone. We are happy most of the time, but when he gets upset, he gets real upset. And for silly things. I have tried to talk about it, he is not interested, he tells me I look like a "social worker" when I want to talk about things, or like a teacher, and he finds it so boring. Yes IT HURTS.


Whenever we get a warning about English being a 2nd language, the writer often proceeds to write a high level of English. 

Your response to your boyfriend was an appropriate response. He either lashes out at you when he is under stress or he finds the most minor things to worry about. Before marriage, now is the time to show him that you are a lady who demands to be treated respectfully. If he can't do that, then he's not the one to marry or to stay with.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I don't generally make strong, black and white statements, but I think this thread calls for one (please pardon the slight t/j, but understanding this should help the OP understand her situation as well).
> 
> If a man beats a woman, is it abuse?
> Even if the woman has the means to escape (financial or otherwise)?
> ...


Assuming the woman does not want to be beaten, and has no means to escape from his grasp, then yes, I would consider it abuse.

There is a difference between unkindness and abuse. No one, including myself, has said his yelling at her is not unkind and unacceptable. It certainly is, and I have advised her to leave his home and break up with him.

Here is something to think about: When does a victim become a volunteer?

OP is not trapped. She spoke right back to him with equal force, defending herself. She is not married to him and did not mention any other commitments tying her to him. She is not without funds, a means of communication or transportation. She does not have to stay if she does not want to. She could possibly be out tonight if she so chose.

There are people in this world who are truly trapped, truly in the clutches of malevolent power much greater than themselves, with no way of escape. 

I just think we need to be a little more discerning where we use the word "abuse."


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Steve1000 said:


> Whenever we get a warning about English being a 2nd language, the writer often proceeds to write a high level of English.
> 
> Your response to your boyfriend was an appropriate response. He either lashes out at you when he is under stress or he finds the most minor things to worry about. Before marriage, now is the time to show him that you are a lady who demands to be treated respectfully. If he can't do that, then he's not the one to marry or to stay with.


I would not try to "demand to be treated respectfully." He has shown her who he is. She would be wise to believe him. And leave him.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

jld said:


> I would not try to "demand to be treated respectfully." He has shown her who he is. She would be wise to believe him. And leave him.


Fair point. If he's only 21, then there is still some chance for him to be a better in a few years. However, she would need to first end this relationship and let him become mature.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

jld said:


> Assuming the woman does not want to be beaten, and has no means to escape from his grasp, then yes, I would consider it abuse.
> 
> There is a difference between unkindness and abuse. No one, including myself, has said his yelling at her is not unkind and unacceptable. It certainly is, and I have advised her to leave his home and break up with him.
> 
> ...


It is still abuse, by the very definition of the word. The abuse may be tolerated or accepted but is it still abuse. One can be a victim of abuse or volunteer to continue taking it, but it's still abuse if they volunteer. There is nothing in the definition of the word that implies having the power to avoid it means it is no longer considered abuse. 

I fully agree with you that volunteer or victim is a very important distinction that changes the dynamic dramatically, and is absolutely key in determining how to respond--but it does not change the meaning of the word "abuse." I think we would agree that sympathy for someone who encourages or tolerates bad treatment when they have other options is wasted, at least as compared to someone who is powerless to change their situation. I don't see such a person as a "victim" since their situation is of their own making. But it is possible to _choose _to remain in an abusive relationship. I am often accused of being a hardass in this regard and you come across as something of a hard-liner in this regard as well, so I think we're seeing eye to eye with regard to dealing with such things. The disconnect is merely one of semantics. 

As far as how we throw the word around, I also agree we need to be discerning. We do that by context; there are different types of abuse and different levels of abuse and we should address them as such. In context, it all becomes clear. Think of it this way: I am perfectly legitimate in calling a guy selling weed to willing customers on a street corner a criminal, just as I could call someone who robbed a bank and shot the guard a criminal. One is clearly worse than the other, and selling weed is a very minor offense, but it is still, by definition, criminal. Verbal abuse of someone who can walk a way is certainly not as bad as physically beating someone who is totally captive, but both are still abuse.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

He sounds like a perfectionist control freak. I have never seen anybody like that make much progress...most of them believe that being a perfectionist control freak is what's kept them safe all these years.

I would not stick around.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> It is still abuse, by the very definition of the word. The abuse may be tolerated or accepted but is it still abuse. One can be a victim of abuse or volunteer to continue taking it, but it's still abuse if they volunteer. There is nothing in the definition of the word that implies having the power to avoid it means it is no longer considered abuse.
> 
> I fully agree with you that volunteer or victim is a very important distinction that changes the dynamic dramatically, and is absolutely key in determining how to respond--but it does not change the meaning of the word "abuse." I think we would agree that sympathy for someone who encourages or tolerates bad treatment when they have other options is wasted, at least as compared to someone who is powerless to change their situation. I don't see such a person as a "victim" since their situation is of their own making. But it is possible to _choose _to remain in an abusive relationship. I am often accused of being a hardass in this regard and you come across as something of a hard-liner in this regard as well, so I think we're seeing eye to eye with regard to dealing with such things. The disconnect is merely one of semantics.
> 
> As far as how we throw the word around, I also agree we need to be discerning. We do that by context; there are different types of abuse and different levels of abuse and we should address them as such. In context, it all becomes clear. Think of it this way: I am perfectly legitimate in calling a guy selling weed to willing customers on a street corner a criminal, just as I could call someone who robbed a bank and shot the guard a criminal. One is clearly worse than the other, and selling weed is a very minor offense, but it is still, by definition, criminal. Verbal abuse of someone who can walk a way is certainly not as bad as physically beating someone who is totally captive, but both are still abuse.


This subject could probably be its own thread.

For right now, we may just have to agree to disagree.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Steve1000 said:


> Fair point. If he's only 21, then there is still some chance for him to be a better in a few years. However, she would need to first end this relationship and let him become mature.


He is that young?

I must have missed that.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

jld said:


> He is that young?
> 
> I must have missed that.


I don't know his age. My "if" meant 'in case' as opposed to "since".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The is a pathology that goes along with abuse. A person might have the physical ability to leave but lack the emotional stamina to leave an abuser. The abused gets caught up in the cycle and cannot see the 

They caution about calling someone who is in an abusive situation a ‘volunteer’. There are a lot of factors that are in play.

One strange that was found is that intermittent abuse (verbal/emotional and/or physical) actually bods a person to their abuser. It causes the brain to produce and uptake oxytocin. It’s along the line of how a woman’s body will produce a lot of oxytocin in response to the pain of child labor and birth. A woman’s (women are more prone to this than men) body apparently produces a lot of oxytocin in repose to abuse as well. So it causes a very strange effect… the oxytocin nubs the emotional pain of the abuse and make the victim feel very emotionally bonded to their abuser. This is why we often read posts by abused women who describe the horrible treatment that they are living under, but then in the next breath she will go on about how he’s a wonderful person most of the time and she is sooooo in love with him. Her brain, high on oxytocin is confused. And you and read it in their posts.

The victim has to get to the point where they finally realize that they have to leave—that something is wrong and the bond that they feel is a trick that their body/brain is playing on them.


By the way, they have done research on children who are abused. They develop a quick trigger oxytocin response to abuse. This is why we often see children who are abused being very protective of their abuser. And when these children grow up, they still have that over reactive oxytocin response and thus often end up in abusive relationships.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

jld said:


> This subject could probably be its own thread.
> 
> For right now, we may just have to agree to disagree.


Well, I think we agree on the key point. That this is a bad situation and OP should not allow it to continue. What label we put on it is beside the point--that it need to change is the point.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jld said:


> I agree with the advice to just leave.
> 
> Nothing more annoying than a picky, controlling *person*. Not worth the stress, especially when you can easily support yourself.


Especially if that person has an OCD personality disorder, which @LadyLaura's boyfriend may well have, from what she has been able to tell us so far.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Especially if that person has an OCD personality disorder, which @LadyLaura's boyfriend may well have, from what she has been able to tell us so far.


Good point, Matt. 

From what I understand, OCD is about feeling safe. If he does not have his particular type of structure in his house, he does not feel safe. 

That might make his extreme commitment to his system more understandable, even if it is still annoying and ultimately unacceptable to her.


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## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

I eat salad from a bowl all the time. Why is he telling you how to eat? The gigantic chopping board, does he put the crumbs outside on the lawn? That would bring ants. Either way a long lasting relationship or marriage won't work like this, what you have described. I hope you know your worth and realize you have opportunity to leave him and be in a relationship with someone who values you. Whenever my husband and I can't stand each other we get nit picky like that about random ways we do or don't do things, it's not fun once it gets like that. Just saying.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> @LadyLaura
> 
> How old are the two of you?
> 
> ...


OMG....and leave some freaking bread crumb on the counter!!! Just for spite. I may go to hell, but I do love a little spite now and then! 

My H is OCD, his psychiatrist told him.... its a "problem" when it's a problem for those around you. We do pretty good. He owns his OCDish ways. Some things are just his. And my things, well he doesn't really get a say unless he wants them to be his thing! 

For example....his thing is making the bed. I really don't care....knock yourself out. I will even volunteer to help, but I really don't care. He also is fanatic about things out of place, or on the carpet..... so I will agree to be tidy, but I don't agree to go above and beyond. That is his issue. Soooooooooooooooo..... he can gripe now and then but that's ok, it's his issue and he knows that. 

If it got ugly and disrespectful, I think I'd call it a day. Or maybe just get really spiteful. 


Actually, I'd ask him to go back to therapy and I'd be happy to go with him. He is just this side of "Monk". Just not a germaphobe.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I am OCD. Shoes have got to be just right if left on the floor. 

Have to check door locks multiple times.

And so on.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

He straightens the bed after I get in it. Makes me giggle....he has a sense of humor about it tho.

He does vaccum, and he fixes anything the minute it is broken..... he's tidy, organized, logical, methodical, thoughtful, etc... So there are many strong points. We are a great mesh, a great team.


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

My ex said that constantly "I pay all the bills". There's a reason why he is my ex now: controlling abusive jerk.

And no he didn't pay all the bills.


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