# Stepmother Adoption



## prouddad45 (4 mo ago)

I am 38 years old and have four daughters. I had met my ex-wife while we were in college and were married for 10 years right after graduation. We have triplet girls age 12 and a 9 year old daughter. We got divorced 6 years ago because she got addicted into substance abuse and keeps going in and out of rehab. She hasn't been there for the kids.After I got remarried, under her care, she was negligent on several occasions with the kids.

I got remarried 4 years ago. My second wife was my high school sweetheart and we had dated towards the end of middle school and broke up after high school graduation.. She has two kids from her previous marriage and they live with us. . My daughters love her. My daughters call her mom over my ex-wife, We have permanent custody of my daughters and my wife asked me if she could legally adopt my girls and I have no issue with it. I love this woman. I was devastated when we broke up before I went off to college. She would love for us to be a complete family.

How do my wife and myself approach this to my daughters regarding adoption?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I have no idea ,

you would have to get legal advice , 
I can understand from the legal side it would be better for your wife to have the paper work even though they call her mother she has no rights , 

you question How do my wife and myself approach this to my daughters regarding adoption? 

I would get them all together and tell them what your thinking of after you know what it takes ,
tell them it is what you want and why but you will do nothing without their agreement , and your not trying to replace their real mother as they might feel some resentment if you make it look like they are been forced ,


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

prouddad45 said:


> I am 38 years old and have four daughters. I had met my ex-wife while we were in college and were married for 10 years right after graduation. We have triplet girls age 12 and a 9 year old daughter. We got divorced 6 years ago because she got addicted into substance abuse and keeps going in and out of rehab. She hasn't been there for the kids.After I got remarried, under her care, she was negligent on several occasions with the kids.
> 
> I got remarried 4 years ago. My second wife was my high school sweetheart and we had dated towards the end of middle school and broke up after high school graduation.. She has two kids from her previous marriage and they live with us. . My daughters love her. My daughters call her mom over my ex-wife, We have permanent custody of my daughters and my wife asked me if she could legally adopt my girls and I have no issue with it. I love this woman. I was devastated when we broke up before I went off to college. She would love for us to be a complete family.
> 
> How do my wife and myself approach this to my daughters regarding adoption?


Does your ex, the mother of your daughters still get visitation with them? Have all of her legal parental rights been ended by the court?

You say, "We have permanent custody". Is your wife mentioned in the child custody paperwork as having custody along with your name? I doubt her name is in the court paperwork. So, you have permanent custody, your wife does not. And yes, that's a very important point. I'm saying this as someone who married a man who had 100% custody of his two children. I raised them from about age 10 till they started college. That little distinction, that I had zero custody and zero legal rights to the children, was made very clear by the courts.

I suggest that you talk to a layer first before mentioning to your daughters. There are issues that could prevent an adoption since their mother is still alive. It could be hurtful to your daughters to get their hopes and then find out that adoption is not legally possible.

If it turns out that in your situation, your wife will be able to adopt your daughters, then tell your children.


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## prouddad45 (4 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> Does your ex, the mother of your daughters still get visitation with them? Have all of her legal parental rights been ended by the court?
> 
> You say, "We have permanent custody". Is your wife mentioned in the child custody paperwork as having custody along with your name? I doubt her name is in the court paperwork. So, you have permanent custody, your wife does not. And yes, that's a very important point. I'm saying this as someone who married a man who had 100% custody of his two children. I raised them from about age 10 till they started college. That little distinction, that I had zero custody and zero legal rights to the children, was made very clear by the courts.
> 
> ...


I have permanent custody. Should have written that to avoid confusion. My bad.

I have had permanent custody for 22 months. My ex-wife hasn’t seen them since then and really hasn’t made much of an effort as she did back then.

One of my wife’s best female friends is a Family Lawyer. She has been in talks with her regarding her wanting to adopt my daughters.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

prouddad45 said:


> I have permanent custody. Should have written that to avoid confusion. My bad.
> 
> I have had permanent custody for 22 months. My ex-wife hasn’t seen them since then and really hasn’t made much of an effort as she did back then.
> 
> One of my wife’s best female friends is a Family Lawyer. She has been in talks with her regarding her wanting to adopt my daughters.


 My stepchildren's mother had not seen or talked to them in almost 3 years when she suddenly wanted them to travel from New Mexico to Maryland to visit with her. My husband went to court to try to prevent the visit. Their mother showed up, cried in court, and the judge turned on my husband. He was ordered by the judge to let the children travel, to pay for it, and to pay all of their mother's court costs. I'm only sharing this out of concern so that you understand that it could get very crazy. 

For the sake of your daughters, I hope this goes the way that is the best for them.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Does permanent custody give you the right to consent to adoption, or just sole legal and physical custody? If you need their birth mother's consent or termination of parental rights, it's trickier. 

For the daughter's, regardless of how happy they are, love your wife, etc. you will likely want to get them into counseling for this. It can be quite bittersweet and they may feel a sense of loss, blame, guilt. 

My daughter is 11. I was able to adopt her and it was finalized earlier this year. Her sperm donor is an addict, put her in unsafe and scary situations, very manipulative, in and out of her life. I've been in her life since she was born, I've always been her dad, she desperately wanted the adoption, but it's bittersweet and does need some outside help. 

I wouldn't bring it up to the girls until you are 100% sure you can consent to the adoption. If you cannot, it may very well get ugly. 

When you talk to the girls, ask them how they would feel about it. You will need to explain the ramifications and the pros and cons, including how they may feel and the reality (it's not their fault, etc). You know them best but I would either talk to them together, then alone as well, or alone first. 

And do not expect a viral video reaction or film it for that purpose.


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## prouddad45 (4 mo ago)

bobert said:


> Does permanent custody give you the right to consent to adoption, or just sole legal and physical custody? If you need their birth mother's consent or termination of parental rights, it's trickier.
> 
> For the daughter's, regardless of how happy they are, love your wife, etc. you will likely want to get them into counseling for this. It can be quite bittersweet and they may feel a sense of loss, blame, guilt.
> 
> ...


It just gives me the physical custody.
The ex-wife hasn’t seen the kids in 22 months and she has not made the attempts to get in touch with the kids as she did earlier.

Both my wife and myself feel that this is for the best.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

prouddad45 said:


> It just gives me the physical custody.
> The ex-wife hasn’t seen the kids in 22 months and she has not made the attempts to get in touch with the kids as she did earlier.
> 
> Both my wife and myself feel that this is for the best.


Sorry but your wife doesn't get a vote, at least not while their biological mother is alive. I think you'll find you'll need either her consent, or her parental rights terminated, neither of which will be easy to obtain.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Have your exWife's parental rights been terminated? If she still has parental rights the odds of an adoption going through are slim. I wouldn't mention it to the children unless/until you are in a legal position for an adoption to go through. You don't want to ask if Step-Mom can adopt them, perhaps get them very excited about it, only to have to tell them it can't happen for legal reasons. Get the legalities handled first and then have the talk.

Ask me how I know....

I left my ex when my kids were 6 and 1 year old. The divorce was final when they were 8 and 3. My exHusband abandoned my two girls. He left state shortly after the divorce became final and never paid a single penny in child support. Didn't see them. Nothing.

I'd remarried and my husband wanted to adopt the girls. Wonderful! To terminate parental rights so the adoption could proceed could only be done on grounds of abandonment. In my state it would be abandonment after 2 years of no monetary support or contact from their biological father. Talked to the girls, asked them if they wanted to be adopted, explained Husband would be their legal father, what that meant, that we'd share a family name, etc. They were ecstatic.

Lo and behold, ex contacts the girls via telephone. Whelp, that's contact. 2 year clock resets. My ex, that prick, contacted my children once every 18-22 months via short phone call or by sending a card in the mail specifically so I couldn't have his rights terminated.

Kids are grown now. We were working on an adult adoption when COVID hit. It's stalled.

Anyway, my input is get the legalities taken care of BEFORE mentioning it to the kids. If the kids are all for it, proceed. If there is any doubt, wait.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

prouddad45 said:


> It just gives me the physical custody.
> The ex-wife hasn’t seen the kids in 22 months and she has not made the attempts to get in touch with the kids as she did earlier.
> 
> Both my wife and myself feel that this is for the best.


Be prepared for the adoption to never happen. Like MJJEAN said above, birth parents will prevent the adoption from going through. I was prepared to spend a lot of time and money in court but that isn't always enough. 

I was able to adopt my daughter because her sperm donor agreed to terminate his parental rights, and it was his idea. The process still took a year, so lots of time for him to back out. 

And if your ex knew you were pining away for your current wife, you will need extra luck getting her to give that woman "her" children.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

What’s the point of having her adopt them? They already call her Mom. 

I assume you want your wife to have custody if you die. In that case, I’m sure your ex will have to give up parental rights. I don’t see that happening unless you dangle a big enough carrot in front of her.


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## Stellayuni (3 mo ago)

Hmm, this is a very difficult situation. To be honest, I had to reread your words several times to understand what exactly you want to say. In fact, this is a really difficult situation when it is not possible to establish children together with your spouse. I think you should contact a lawyer who would tell you about all this. You can also contact local fostering agencies. I think they will tell you exactly what to do there. In matters of the law, you should not rely only on yourself. Good luck to you and family happiness.I hope you will succeed, the main thing is that there is love and understanding between you.


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