# Why Is He Still Lying?



## DeenaBoBeena (Sep 20, 2011)

Without going into the whole story.. why would my husband still be lying about 'unimportant' things, after coming clean about so much? He admitted to an EA of sorts with a co-worker, but he denies it was romantic--he just wanted adult company, to go out to nice lunches, etc. I have all their AIM logs (9 months worth), and I've talked to her. I'm fairly certain she wasn't attracted to him (she is engaged, though I just found out today she's been sleeping with another guy that they're all friends with). At this point, even if he admitted that he did harbor a desire to turn it into a PA, I don't see what the big deal would be.. he was also sleeping with prostitutes at the same time.

Anyway. Today I found out he violated NC twice--to apologize to her--and has been lying to me about it. I'm furious (obviously). He started writing out a list of apologies.. instead of one over-arching apology, I told him I wanted apologies for every small betrayal or cover-up (this was before finding out about breaking the NC). I found it today and also on the list - he'd told me he'd gone to see a movie with a male friend, but it was really with her (he'd already admitted to seeing a movie with her). Also - in January 2010, he told me he went out with a bunch of male co-workers and got wicked drunk, came home at 3am, etc, etc. It turns out, he was with her, the guy she was (is?) sleeping with, and another girl.

I really don't get why he'd be lying about the movie and the drinking. If he'd told me when I asked, post D-Day, it would have been no big deal. Now? When I've asked multiple times (about the drinking, anyway.. it never occured to me to question the movie)?

Honestly, I feel like this is a deal-breaker.. but I can't even leave if I wanted to. We just got the notice yesterday that they're foreclosing on our house within the next 3 months, and because of the huge debts he incurred, we have no money for first/last/security. If I wanted to leave, I'd have to put myself on the public housing list and wait for months, or go live 2 hours away with my aunt. Thankfully we homeschool, so uprooting my 4 kids will be a *smidge* easier, but.. 

Oh, and I can't leave right now, either. My son's 8th birthday party is on Saturday. I'd have to wait until after the party, then he would miss spending his real birthday (Monday) with his father and his grandparents, if we went to stay with my aunt 2 hours away.


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## fixorrun (Jul 18, 2011)

I am in a similar situation. I have found that the lying is a habitual behaviour. They lye about lying and then must lye some more to cover it up. If you talk to him does he get defensive and accuse you of spying? mine does.... I have given up getting the truth. I am patiently waiting for a way out. I too can't afford to just up and leave. You need to do what is best for you and your children....You can't prevent him for paying the consequeces of his own action. Tough love is the best love there is. It is also the hardest. 
I'm not saying bust his balls, but protect yourself and be descreet about it. Tell him NOTHING!!! Take some time and figure out what you need.


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## DeenaBoBeena (Sep 20, 2011)

fixorrun said:


> I am in a similar situation. I have found that the lying is a habitual behaviour. They lye about lying and then must lye some more to cover it up. If you talk to him does he get defensive and accuse you of spying? mine does.... I have given up getting the truth. I am patiently waiting for a way out. I too can't afford to just up and leave. You need to do what is best for you and your children....You can't prevent him for paying the consequeces of his own action. Tough love is the best love there is. It is also the hardest.
> I'm not saying bust his balls, but protect yourself and be descreet about it. Tell him NOTHING!!! Take some time and figure out what you need.


That's the thing, he doesn't get defensive and has no problem with whatever level of transparency I want (he knows how often I check his phone, email, etc, and has offered to install a keylogger on his work computer, set up a webcam, etc). When I've asked him the same questions over and over, he's always very patient and understanding. If there was some way for me to differentiate, like if he got defensive about some things, it would be easier. But I just honestly can't tell if he's telling the truth or not. He's too good a liar.

And the stupid breaking of no-contact? I was literally asking him about her, and saying I wanted to IM her to see if she was planning on confronting him. I've talked with her through IMs before, I have her SN, and he knew I was going to IM her.. why did he wait for me to say, "Oh, so you chatted with her, huh?" Why didn't he admit to the lie before I talked to her? Doesn't he realize that would have been better?


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

DeenaBoBeena said:


> That's the thing, he doesn't get defensive and has no problem with whatever level of transparency I want (he knows how often I check his phone, email, etc, and has offered to install a keylogger on his work computer, set up a webcam, etc). When I've asked him the same questions over and over, he's always very patient and understanding. If there was some way for me to differentiate, like if he got defensive about some things, it would be easier. But I just honestly can't tell if he's telling the truth or not. He's too good a liar.
> 
> And the stupid breaking of no-contact? I was literally asking him about her, and saying I wanted to IM her to see if she was planning on confronting him. I've talked with her through IMs before, I have her SN, and he knew I was going to IM her.. why did he wait for me to say, "Oh, so you chatted with her, huh?" Why didn't he admit to the lie before I talked to her? Doesn't he realize that would have been better?


My H was patient, regretful, and honest, or so he would have had me believe, but there were a lot of things that didn't add up. He finally told me what really happened months after the fact. He wanted his evolvement with her to seem a lot more accidental than it actually was, so he turned a nine month affair into a three day tryst during a work related out-of -town trip . She just came on to him (he just happened to be in her room) and he was too tempted to say no, ya da ya da. His a$$ covering and lying has made R very hard for me. Some how I knew that he was not telling me everything and I told him so, often. Finally he realized that the marriage did not have a chance to recover if he did not level with me. Our marriage will never be the same, but it's beginning to look like it will recover to a degree at least. Good luck to you.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sorry to hear about this Deena


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

He continues to lie because he is covering up things AND because he knows he can get away with it. Empower yourself. Perhaps put the children in public school and get a job. You do not have to tolerate the lying and all the activities he is trying to hide.


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