# Just another sexless marriage



## Chilliman (Oct 31, 2012)

I've been scrolling through the threads the past few days/weeks looking for advice and decided I need to explain my own situation to maybe get the right advice.

Where do I begin ( this could take a while... )

We have been married for 7 months now and in the past 7 months we have had sex (drum roll please ) a total of 3 times, including the honeymoon...The honeymoon sex in itself was a blunder. I'll explain a bit later.

We started dating in 2007, moved in and all was wonderfull. Sex was great and our relationship flourished. I worked from home back then and she had an office job. On many occasion before she left for work she would jump me, in her work clothes while I was still asleep in bed, what man could ever complain about waking up like that!!!  We really did have fun back then and we could not get enough of each other. In the back of my mind I thought it would cool down but it never did untill about 3 years in our relationship. ( we where at this point having sex 4-5 times a week. )No biggy, we adapted and where both happy having sex 2-3 times a week, then once a week, once every 3 weeks until it stretched to once every 6 weeks or so...alarm bells sounded and I spoke to her on more than one occasion explaining that we need to sort this out, it's going to cause problems. It would be ok again for 2 or so weeks and then go back to the normal routine. It was in these "dry spells" that I would resent her. I really, REALLY did not want to, I mean I love her dearly and it was the last thing I wanted to feel towards her. She knew in the times that I did not really speak to her it was because of the "sex thing again" and ask why I did not speak to her about it. Really, you want me to explain myself AGAIN, I just did 4 weeks ago!

In 2010 we bought a house together and got engaged. I must admit, my judgement was clouded and I should've run when I had the chance but, I loved this girl and I did not run because I am no coward and will stare this problem in the face and fight it till it gets resolved. I've never quit anything before and did not intend to start now. It was in the first week that we moved in when we got robbed. This had a huge impact on her. Coming from a country where she does not hear about this often ( she is from England ) and me, pretty much used to hearing it everyday and was mildly affected by the ordeal.We put the house on the market the very next day, she did not want to stay there anymore. While we where looking for a new place we stayed with my parents. This was no problem as she loved my parents and my folks adored her. It went downhill very fast from here. Sex disappeared for about 6 months. We had sex one night because she was drunk from a party we attended earlier... I did not force sex at all because I knew she was unhappy and still affected by the robbery. I read up that depression puts a major damper on sex drive. Sex was a problem. Whenever we did try it would hurt her after a while. This was never a problem before. I tried to introduce lube into the picture but she is still hesitant to this day. We will use it ( when we actually do have sex ) but very reluctantly. I stopped asking and talking about sex for time being. Best I could do for her then was to support her and find us a new, safe home. Besides the whole robbery ordeal she quit her job. Her boss was a horrible person and took her for granted. I encouraged her decision and by this time was lucky enough to support us both comfortably. She has in the mean time found a new job, a really nice job with awesome colleagues. So her being jobless is not an issue anymore and does not have to stress about that. 

We moved into our new place early 2011 and I thought to myself things would get better from here. Man oh man was I wrong. It went even further south. We had many arguments about "the sex thing". I carry her on my hands. I support her mentally and financially, cook, help clean and will try my best to keep her happy. Weekends away, spa treatments etc get an "awww, that's so romantic of you!" Hug, kiss, cuddle, intimate part done... I've asked her what has changed from back when we moved in till now. Her reply is " the relationship has aged". This really upset me and asked her to explain what she means. Her seeing is that the older the relationship gets the less intimacy there is aka, sex. Whomever put this notion in her head needs a swift kick up the ass. I've even asked her if she is seeing someone else because it is not normal for a person to not want to have sex, unless they are getting their needs fulfilled somewhere else! I've doubted myself at times. Is it my fault that we are not having sex!? Do I not make her happy in bed ( I always make sure she has the big O first ), am I such a bad lover that she just finds me repulsive? I've put these notions out of my head since then. I've read many forums and most people say that it is not your fault and you should not look for something wrong within yourself.

We started planning the wedding and this put even more stress on her. Stress = even lower sex drive. I helped best I could and would sit with her for hours over weekends helping with wedding things. I tried to take as much as I possibly can to relieve pressure from her. It didn't help. She remained freaked and stressed about everything. Anyway, in April this year we tied the knot, no sex on our wedding night. Left for honeymoon 2 weeks later ( no sex in between the wedding and up till we left for the honeymoon ) and we had sex on the night before we left. Get this, the reason we had sex was because "we cannot not have sex on our honeymoon", her own words. I actually left the chalet when she said that and went for a walk on the beach to cool down. I got back, made up and we had sex for the first time in about 4 months.

I took her away for the weekend recently where we actually did have sex, once. This was the first time in 5 months after our honeymoon sex. The last time we had sex was about a month ago, she was tipsy from a night out at a friends birthday party.



Sex to me is about intimacy and to connect with your lover/spouse/partner in a way that only 2 people can when making love. I've tried explaining this to her, it's not because of lust that I want sex from her, it's the intimacy I yearn and having sex for the sake of having sex is great from time to time, it's fun and you can explore new ways to make each other feel good. Important part, make EACH OTHER feel GOOD.

She was on BC but I talked her to come off it for a while to see how things went. We both read that it puts a damper on sex drive. It did not help. She was diagnosed with depression about 2 months ago and is on anti depressants and seeing a psychologist. Again, I did some reading that anti deps have an affect on sex drive and there has been no change in our sex life since she has been seeing the doc. I understand that sex is the last thing she thinks about while feeling like she is now. Bit everytime I do mention sex, the topic gets changed or just ignored. I've stopped initiating sex, I only get turned down and it starts to hurt after getting turned down everytime. So the ball is in her court essentially and it is travelling very slowly...

I feel very bitter towards her and it shows. I decided about 3 weeks ago, after we had the sex talk again, that I will step back from being myself and see what happens. I've stopped talking to her, in a sense I mean. I will never ignore her. I mean I don't communicate with her anymore, I will ask about her day and talk about what is necessary at the time but I wont go look to make conversation. I've stopped helping around the house with chores etc. I've stopped the cooking part as well. I used to be a chef so i did most of the cooking anyway. I never minded the cooking, it was my relax time after work. I've stopped going out with her be it to the shops for groceries or walk the dog. I make up excuses why I don't want to go watch a movie or go out for dinner. Basically I've stopped doing all the small things that counts. Look, I'm not looking for sex as a reward by doing these things. I just think she has gotten so used to the things I do for her she does not notice it anymore.

I am at the end of my tether and patience is running dry. I love her dearly and respect the fact that her needs are not the same as mine but I also have needs!

Sorry if this post is jumbled and hard to make sense of. I wrote it at a whim and with a bit of anger/frustration.

Thanks for reading...


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

"I stopped initiating sex"

There is your issue.

You really expect her to make the first move?

Look I know what you are going through being in a sexless marriage myself... but in order to fix it you have to keep initiating even though rejections are hard on you.

What you desire is not weird or abnormal... shes your wife. Let her deal with you constantly wanting her.

Less talk and more action.
I'm 2 years 11 months into our fix... 
I notice a change in my wife as I initiate she lets it go further and further. It takes time for your wife to re-open sexual feelings. Take it slow but be consistent in attempts.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

"I stopped initiating sex"

There is your issue.

You really expect her to make the first move?

Look I know what you are going through being in a sexless marriage myself... but in order to fix it you have to keep initiating even though rejections are hard on you.

What you desire is not weird or abnormal... shes your wife. Let her deal with you constantly wanting her.

Less talk and more action.
I'm 2 years 11 months into our fix... 
I notice a change in my wife as I initiate she lets it go further and further. It takes time for your wife to re-open sexual feelings. Take it slow but be consistent in attempts.

Sex is need 1 or 2 for you and need 5 or 6 for your wife.


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

Depression and lots of stress hmmm? I've had that with my partner. As for running off: I found that during the stage when the relationship was at its absolute lowest point it was the hardest to think about dumping her. I mean what must it be like when you're in a depression to also have your partner abandon you? That was for me the most important reason to stay during that period even though in hindsight I can say that I was majorly unhappy in that situation. I also don't forsake my friends or family when they're having a rough time...


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## Chilliman (Oct 31, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> "I stopped initiating sex"
> 
> There is your issue.
> 
> You really expect her to make the first move?


Problem is, it's always me making the move! If I did not mention sex it would never be mentioned at all. A man can only take so many rejections before it really starts affecting him. When I do hint/initiate I get a cold shoulder with a snarl "is it always just about sex for you?!" This in turn ends in an argument. I've rather stopped from my side to avoid the argument and cold shoulder treatment.

I'm not over exaggerating. The last time she actually hinted to want to have sex must have been about 2 years ago, just when we moved into our first place.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Open up now let it all go said:


> Depression and lots of stress hmmm? I've had that with my partner. As for running off: I found that during the stage when the relationship was at its absolute lowest point it was the hardest to think about dumping her. I mean what must it be like when you're in a depression to also have your partner abandon you? That was for me the most important reason to stay during that period even though in hindsight I can say that I was majorly unhappy in that situation. I also don't forsake my friends or family when they're having a rough time...


I suffered from depression for years and I see your point. But at some point you can't just stay hoping and wishing someone will get better. People with depression are toxic to be around. I know I was. My husband didn't leave because I was working very hard to fix it. Those were some tough years and I'm grateful he stood by me.

Had I not worked to fix it he should have absolutely dumped me. It wouldn't have been fair for me to ruin his life just because I was mentally unstable.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Married only 7 months?
> 
> RUN.


I wouldnt say run....juat get help.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

Very true - my gf snapped out of it just when I started to ponder why I was in a relationship that didn't make me happy.

I hope OP's partner snaps out of it as well - depression is a giant sex drive killer.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Open up now let it all go said:


> Very true - my gf snapped out of it just when I started to ponder why I was in a relationship that didn't make me happy.
> 
> I hope OP's partner snaps out of it as well - depression is a giant sex drive killer.


Depression is largely selfish. It was only when I got that wake up call that I was about to lose everything because of it that I sought help.

I'm not downplaying depression as I know how bad it is. The selfish part is where I thought I could just be however I wanted without consequences.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Chilliman said:


> Problem is, it's always me making the move! If I did not mention sex it would never be mentioned at all. A man can only take so many rejections before it really starts affecting him. When I do hint/initiate I get a cold shoulder with a snarl "is it always just about sex for you?!" This in turn ends in an argument. I've rather stopped from my side to avoid the argument and cold shoulder treatment.
> 
> I'm not over exaggerating. The last time she actually hinted to want to have sex must have been about 2 years ago, just when we moved into our first place.


Many women refuse to initiate... that is not news.
In my entire marriage i can count on my fingers the number of times my wife actually initiated. So dream on.

Don't hint don't ask just try.... try as much as you can.

If she complains let her. You just shrug your shoulders and can say... all I want to do is love my wife. Goodnight.

Rinse-repeat.

Eventually she will she she is running out of excuses.

Wil take time but eventually she'll see the benefits of sex out weigh the constant avoidance.

The key don't get upset... just keep trying over and over and over.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

She is taking you for granted. It also sounds she is confused about you being Mr Nice Guy with being weak! That is why women are generally attracted to jerks. It keeps them in their toes!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

While Trying2figureitout is correct that women typically have responsive sexual desire rather than spontaneous sexual desire, recommending that you just keep banging your head against the wall is idiotic. For proof of that, see that he is three years into a sexless relationship and, best case scenario, he will have sex with his wife many months from now.

Just keep trying is not the solution. The fact is that your wife isn't attracted to you. Even a woman with a low sex drive will have sex on her honeymoon. So, you have two options. The first is to change yourself in the hopes that you can become attractive to her again. The second is to divorce.

Look at Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. Buy the Primer. Run the MAP and, hopefully, your wife will begin to see sex with you as something desirable. If not, dump her for another woman who is actually into you.

Also, you need to definitively rule out an affair(s) as the cause of her loss of desire for you. Check her phone records for numbers with unreasonable activity. Check her email and Facebook accounts for evidence. Look at her credit card statements for evidence. You need to know whether she just isn't into you, or whether she's into another man.

Good luck.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She needs to see through your actions that this is a deal breaker. Your history shows that she can treat you progressively worse and you will simply reward her bad behavior. She treats you bad, you buy her a house. She treats you worse, you buy another house. She all but cuts you off completely, you marry her. Myself, I would walk. I would come home from work and tell her I think it's time for a separation, because it's clear that we're not really a couple and that you're not into me. I would tell her that a sexless marriage is a deal breaker. That I thought it would get better but it's only gotten worse and that you don't respect me enough to even acknowledge that it's a real problem. Then I would pack up a few things and go to a hotel. This would either be the death of the marriage, or it would be a real wake up call. I think she doesn't believe you're serious. She thinks you're all talk, and she can do whatever she wants.

A woman needs to feel safe in the relationship as a sexual being. She also needs to feel unsafe in the relationship if she is not. Not physically unsafe, but that the very existence of the relationship is not a sure thing.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

She jumped your bones in the beginning when you were not a sure thing, maybe its time to become a "not sure thing again" and stay that way!


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## old pilot (Oct 9, 2012)

Its cheaper to hire a hooker.


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## Chilliman (Oct 31, 2012)

I cornered her last night, again. Got home yesterday after work and said we need to talk.

We sat down after dinner and I spoke in a calm manner and told her my issues and I fear that our marriage is in jeopardy because of the no sex.

Basically told her I have needs as a man and husband and besides that, I would like to show my love by being intimate with her, much like trying2figureitout mentioned above. She went on the offensive a bit and again said, why is it always about sex, I can show my affection in different ways to her. "Like how?" I asked.

She rambled on about helping around the house, spending alone time together, walks, movies, dinner dates and by doing little things to show I still care. Erm, hello, now you notice these things because I stopped doing them for the past few weeks. 

At this point I felt like I kind of made a breakthrough, she went very quiet when I said I stopped doing these things on purpose to show her what she actually has and getting from me. She asked did I stop because we are not having sex and I replied yes. I explained I don't expect sex as a reward for every time I do something nice or help out. It simply wants me to do these things for her because I know it makes her happy. Small things makes her happy and sex makes me happy so we both happy. I tried to explain it in a metaphoric way. My love tank get filled up when we make love, hers when I help around the house and spend time with her, hugs kisses etc. My love tank is running empty and I do not want to do those things for her and then her love tank runs empty and that's when we get stuck in the rut we are in now, arguing about something very simple.

I went on explaining that a marriage/relationship is about give and take. I don't always want to help tidy up the house quickly on a Saturday morning but I do it with the hope that she will remember it, made her happy and make me happy in return.

She mentioned our shower times at this point. We do shower together at least 4 times a week. We use this time to catch up when we both get home late from work before we have dinner. Talk time so to speak. Now this is the weird part. Without fail, she will go down on me at least once in a week while we're in the shower, when I want to return the favour, be it me going down on her, sex or just me touching her ( masturbate her ) she does not want me to. ( She has never been keen on me going down on her, some days she likes it some days she does not. I make very sure I do what she likes when she does enjoy it by asking her how and where and rarely deviate from what she likes. ) This is very confusing at times. She can go down on me once a week but not want to have sex or me return the favour?! I told her that I really, REALLY do enjoy it when she goes down on me but I feel empty when I cannot return the favour and as nice as it is, it's not the same as having sex and being intimate...

At this point she broke down into tears and I mean she really broke down. When she calmed down she told me that she yearns to have sex with me and be like we used to be but she doesn't know what happened with herself. We tried to work it back to try and point where it went downhill badly and it came back to the robbery again. She did go for trauma counseling after the incident but clearly did not work. She reckons she has been living with depression for the past 2 years and only admitted to it a few months ago because she was embarrassed about it. So, in the time we could've addressed the issue when it was just poking it's head out and have it sorted quickly she has left it for nearly 2 years! So depression, BC pills and stress is a really, REALLY nice ****tail to put any persons sex drive in the dumps.

She also said she is scared of sex. When we do have sex it starts to hurt her after a while. I knew about this and I can kind of understand this part. Why would you put yourself in a situation where you know you are going to have to endure pain?! Now I've gone the lube way before. Like I said, she will use it but very hesitant to do so. She reckons that it should happen naturally and we should not need help be intimate.

We spent about an hour talking things out and I think I kind of made some sort of headway. It basically ended with thank you for talking/telling me instead of shutting me out. I respect your needs and better understand why you want to have sex/be intimate. She said she will make a conscious effort to have sex at least once a week and should she forget I must remind her. We'll take it from there and hopefully things do get better and that she will start enjoying it again and also want it more often.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sounds like quite a positive discussion, at least from the perspective of opening up communication channels! Good job, both of you!

C


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## Chilliman (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm just going through some other sexless marriage threads and I am quite shocked to see that it is a majority of women complaining about their husbands not wanting sex!

What is wrong with you guys?! Tend to your wife if you love her. Make her feel special, wanted, needed and loved!

I just wish, really wish that we could sometimes reverse roles and she could feel what it feels like not to get sex when she yearns it.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

I would love it if my wife asked me for sex. I think that would be one of the most erotic things she could say. Talk about a major turn on...knowing your wife wants you to take her. Oh, a man can dream anyway...right?


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## HockeyGuy28 (Oct 22, 2012)

Chilliman, 

Glad that it seems things may be on the up. I certainly do not want to rain on your parade but let me warn you. 

A lot of the signs you mentioned and situations you mentioned are very similar to mine. My wife is depressed, on BC, high stress and anxiety. I convinced myself that once we moved in together and once we got married things would change. They have not and I am afraid they never will. Her mother and I had talks with her to get her to see someone about her depression, she has drug her feet and made no real effort. She has changed her BC many times. No help.

She has told me I need to work at it, I have to wine and dine her and while that is all fine and dandy, sometimes I just want to have sex to have sex. I have always been real nice with her, I always do the little things like you mentioned (laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc) but its completely un-noticed and appreciated. Recently I had stopped doing things just like you had (not only cause we were not having sex though) and she was very quick to point out that I was not helping and that I had become distant. 

My wife has no sex drive. It was always rather low but it was never this bad, I mean she used to work at victoria secret so she has tons of lingerie. She used to wear it a little more often she actually liked wearing it, now in the last year she has probably worn it twice (both times cause I told her too). No matter how many talks we had, there was never any change. I would go back to the wine and dining (which never really stopped) and we would have 1-2 good weeks. Then bam...right back to the old ways. She would tell me I have to initiate more often...I am 27 and want sex every day...hell I would love it multiple times a day...however when I would try to initiate, she would push me away, she would say shes too tired, or some other excuse...So basically I am told to do something, I do it and then nothing happens. As you mentioned the only real times we have had good sex is when shes drunk or buzzed.

I really hope you work things out. My wife and I have been unable too and unfortunately this is only one of our many issues we have. I am in the process now of getting a divorce.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

a sexless marriage is not a marriage

you alone have the power to end this


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

olisavictor said:


> There are some health supplement that can help her regain her sexual urge.


Supplements might help, if her problem is hormonal. Very often, we see people who just stop desiring their spouse. There's nothing wrong with the libido, it's just not directed at the spouse. If that's the problem, then it's a little tougher to deal with.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

OP...

Good job cornering her and getting at the root... now it "should" get better. Hold her too it remind her every week.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> While Trying2figureitout is correct that women typically have responsive sexual desire rather than spontaneous sexual desire, recommending that you just keep banging your head against the wall is idiotic. For proof of that, see that he is three years into a sexless relationship and, best case scenario, he will have sex with his wife many months from now.
> 
> Just keep trying is not the solution. The fact is that your wife isn't attracted to you. Even a woman with a low sex drive will have sex on her honeymoon. So, you have two options. The first is to change yourself in the hopes that you can become attractive to her again. The second is to divorce.
> 
> ...


First off you don't know my personal situation.... non-sexual touch and trying to initiate is the right thing to do and NOT idiotic. There are many factors that go into my personal situation that are not typical. Factors such as dramatically different work schedules, injury and such. So its taken longer than a typical recovery.

You cant expect a woman in a sexless marriage to all of the sudden decide sex is a must... its up to the husband to encourage her in that direction.

My marriage will resolve in time. Already its better than most I read about here. Sex is only a small part of it. My wife and I will have a better sexlife. More scheduling and energy level than anything at this point.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Chillman, your conversatoin was great.

Utlimately she will be sexually turned on if she fears losing you.

If you are worth fighting to keep, she will overcome all the obstacles. If you are not worth fighting ot keep she will not.

It's up to you to stay worth fighting to keep. Then make sure she understands the marriage is at stake. 

But overall what you said as ideal.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> First off you don't know my personal situation.... non-sexual touch and trying to initiate is the right thing to do and NOT idiotic.


I know a good deal about your situation. You've been pretty specific on this forum. I've also seen many sexless marriage threads where the issue was resolved, and those where it wasn't resolved. I've also had an unsatisfying sex life and resolved it. And yes, I can say that continuing to do the things that your wife doesn't respond to is most definitely idiotic.



Trying2figureitout said:


> There are many factors that go into my personal situation that are not typical. Factors such as dramatically different work schedules, injury and such. So its taken longer than a typical recovery.


It's been three years for you. Was your wife paralyzed? Did she lose a limb and require extensive physical therapy? Because other than something like that, she's just putting you off. And quite successfully too, I might add. Does your wife work the night shift and you work the day shift? I seem to remember that your wife has ample time for hitting the gym every day. If so, then she has time for you. She's just making excuses and you're buying them. I mean, Bill Clinton had sex in the oval office. And he was probably a lot busier than you or your wife.



Trying2figureitout said:


> You cant expect a woman in a sexless marriage to all of the sudden decide sex is a must... its up to the husband to encourage her in that direction.


Of course. But the husband must also encourage her in an effective way. Just standing aside and whining about it is most definitely an ineffective strategy. The husband must take action to draw his wife's attraction, if that's possible. And if it's not, he has to be ready for an ultimatum that requires action on her part, or he will leave. Telling one's wife that she has 6 months, or maybe a year, or two years tops, is not going to light the fire under her that results in action. She will sit back and wait until action is necessary, if that day ever comes, before she commits.



Trying2figureitout said:


> My marriage will resolve in time. Already its better than most I read about here. Sex is only a small part of it. My wife and I will have a better sexlife. More scheduling and energy level than anything at this point.


I think it's already resolved. Your wife doesn't want to have sex with you, so she doesn't. And you're convinced that, since sex is such a small part of your marriage, and it's so wonderful in all the other areas, you're willing to wait forever, or until she can squeeze you in to her schedule on a day that the planets are properly aligned and there's a lunar eclipse. So, you're waiting. It's been three years and you don't think you'll have to wait for four years. I'm betting you will. I'm betting we'll be having this same conversation a year from now when you're stating with great confidence that you will absolutely NOT wait five years to have sex with your wife.

Anyway, I wish you luck with your quest. I guess somebody has to knock those windmills down. I just wanted the OP to understand how effective your advice was.


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## Chilliman (Oct 31, 2012)

Just a quick update for those interested.

I seriously don't know how our chat the other night was different to the other talks we had. We went through the same story like we always do, empty promises are made and I feel hollow words are spoken.

This time around something really took hold of her. We have already had sex 3 times since our talk and it was great, wonderfull and amazing. The first 2 times we "planned" it but this weekend she gave me a look of "lusty horniness" (LOL, if that is even a word! ) and just jumped my bones because she felt like it. Smiles all around.

She has been pro-active and printed out a monthly calender with Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday marked as possible sexy days. Weekends are open but we are both very social people and weekends is a blur so time is a factor. She said she marked those 3 days and not an exact day as to not schedule sex. She does not like the idea of exact day and time to have sex, something could come up and could cause frustration because we did not have sex when we said we would. 3 days could still make it a "surprise" so to speak, not planned to a sense but we know we are going to be intimate in those 3 days. It's quite exciting to be honest. Counting the days till when Tuesday comes and wondering if it will happen today or tomorrow. This little calender has been put up in both our wardrobes so that we can both see it when we get dressed as a little reminder.

Look, it's early days, but it has been a huge turnaround so far. I hope it will go on and get better.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This is a good sign. There may be setbacks, don't lose hope when that happens. Just work through them. This is awesome news.


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## Chilliman (Oct 31, 2012)

We've filed for divorce on grounds of irreconcilable differences.

It went great for a week or two and she just broke down and said that "she is not this type of person" I asked what person?! She replied "this sex slave" 

I told her we used to not be able to keep our hands of each other and it was her that used to wake me up in the middle of the night for a "quicky" roll over and go back to sleep. What has gone wrong between then and now? She said the sexual spark dies down in all couples and that when I dropped the bomb, "I want a divorce".

Funnily enough, she did not fight it at all which made me wonder if she wanted out or not but just did not have the guts to do it herself and make me look like the monster now...

I'm 28 years old, been married for 8 months ( 8 months tomorrow in fact ) and my marriage has come to an end because of something we could not agree on that should be very special between 2 people, sex. It went out the window and it was a downhill spiral from thereon out.

Guys, don't deprive your partner from sex or intimacy, it hurt like hell and he/she will only be able to take the rejection so much before it ends in even more hurt...


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Good luck to you Chilliman. Sorry it had to end this way. A mans gotta do whata mans gotta do.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Chilliman said:


> Problem is, it's always me making the move! If I did not mention sex it would never be mentioned at all. A man can only take so many rejections before it really starts affecting him. When I do hint/initiate I get a cold shoulder with a snarl "is it always just about sex for you?!" This in turn ends in an argument. I've rather stopped from my side to avoid the argument and cold shoulder treatment.
> 
> I'm not over exaggerating. The last time she actually hinted to want to have sex must have been about 2 years ago, just when we moved into our first place.


If you stop initiating you will not get it guaranted. If you stop cooking she will not pick up where you left off guaranteed. Bottom line is that you are where I have been and you have to pick your sorry @$$ off the floor and first realize you are not repulsive. You have to find every urge to feel that way and realize you are not. From our perspectives we wonder how someone can not realize they are making us feel this way. I think they first and foremost don't have enough emotional capacity to help themselves let alone someone else. I think it is best to let her know how it makes you feel. Don't say you are doing x to me just say that constant rejection makes me feel repulsive and I don't know how much longer I can handle it. Leave it at that for a while. Usually if I tell my wife something like that she almost immediately responds in a positive way. Use that to gauge whether she cares how you feel. Not as a general technique to get sex or intimacy but at this point you don't even know if she cares. Took a lot of discussing with others for me to realize my wife does in fact care. I went through a similar thing while also keeping an online friend apprised of what unfolded one day. My wife later ran a hot tub and banged me. It still wasn't until later when the online friend said 'see she does want to please you'. That was a big eye opener for me. Figure that out first before you go off and spend a year testing your wife because I can guarantee you he results now. She won't initiate or bring it up and say 'why don't you want sex with me' - instead she would likely think you are insensitive and won't put 2 and 2 together. Being depressed sucks about 1,000 times worse than being upset - it is actually terrifying and does not stop. You spend your days just acting out rituals of life - the basics - eating, $#!tting and sleeping. That's it. If you work it admirably you should eventually get to reap the rewards later. So first off snap out of your funk - your tantrum so-to-speak and get busy fixing first by determining if she cares for you or not...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Sorry about the divorce. Although, your path forward is much easier this way. It might be possible, if you do all the work, to keep your wife interested enough in you to have sex once or twice a week for many years to come. But probably not. Life is stressful. And your wife has proven that her first response to almost any situation is to stop having sex with you. It might not be possible to overcome that instinct.

You should still run the MAP. Get in the gym. Work on yourself. Learn what women respond to. You will be in a better position when you start dating again.

Good luck.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

A rare happy ending on TAM.

You are 28. Still very much in your prime, and much wiser than you were a few years ago.

It's great that you get another shot it, with a clearer view of what is important in a marriage partner.

Best luck to you.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are making the right move.
You can't always fix what's broken. If she thinks that having sex with her husband is "slavery" then her thinking is seriously flawed. Hopefully she does not marry any other men.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I'm kinda shocked to hear this.
I read that you dropped the divorce bomb, is that correct?

My opinion only, but would you consider separating for a period of time, instead of going straight to a divorce?

You've only been married for 8 months, she's just now admitting to depression, some after effects of a robbery, and maybe you have other threads... but have you two even gone to a counsellor? Tried anything other than... an ultimatium?

Am I the only person who thinks that getting the romance back together can take a little longer than a couple of weeks?

Big decisions....


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Ive read all your posts and I really feel for you. What you've gone through I can totally relate to, just not the break in or bad depression for my wife and I but everything else is near identical to my situation, and I've been married for 13 years now. Only reason I don't divorce my wife is "for better or for worse" and I'm a "God fearing man", otherwise, I would of moved on way back.

But, you are still young, in your prime, and now you can find a woman with a healthy high sex drive. Put yourself out there, dating sites and focus on the women that really have high sex drives and not tell you what you want to hear or only have sex to keep the relationship going.

I wish you the best and a horny woman for you, for life.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

deejov said:


> You've only been married for 8 months, she's just now admitting to depression, some after effects of a robbery, and maybe you have other threads... but have you two even gone to a counsellor? Tried anything other than... an ultimatium?
> 
> Am I the only person who thinks that getting the romance back together can take a little longer than a couple of weeks?
> 
> Big decisions....


This isn't a surprise to the wife. The OP said that he's talked to her repeatedly. She is going to a psychologist. Yes, he's been married for 8 months, but the sex has been declining for over 2 years and she's given no indication of wanting to try to address it.

When a wife isn't attracted to a husband this early in the marriage, I think pulling the rip cord is appropriate.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

That's interesting. 
Why? Just thinking how many times I've read that "talking" isn't really the solution in most cases, and depending on what is wrong, other things may need to be addressed. 

But each situation is different. I am curious as to why earlier in the marriage as opposed to later? Would that be due to "years" put into the relationship would weigh in as "worthy" of doing any work besides talking? If so, that explains it.


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## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

Having this conflict is really hard for a certain marriage.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

deejov said:


> I am curious as to why earlier in the marriage as opposed to later? Would that be due to "years" put into the relationship would weigh in as "worthy" of doing any work besides talking? If so, that explains it.


I think that's part of it. As years go by, the longevity of the relationship builds more incentive to save it. Also, lives get intertwined. Kids are born. Houses build equity. Family businesses are started. Also, a wife may understandably lose some desire for her husband each year. If it takes 15 years to get to a sexless marriage, then I think it's reasonable to spend a few months or years reversing course and building attraction.

But if a wife has lost all desire for her husband within two or three years of beginning a sexual relationship, then the scenario is different. First, it's not understandable. It doesn't sneak up on you. Some cases on this board involve a husband who has to wake his wife up. She honestly doesn't realize how often she's rejecting him. But, not having sex on your honeymoon isn't a mistake. It's intentional. And his wife hasn't spent enough time building up his loyalty to mistreat him like that.

Telling a 45 year-old man to run the MAP to try to avoid battles over child custody and dividing the life savings is much different than telling a 25 year-old man to run the MAP and continue to build entanglements into a bad marriage.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

Im sorry for your loss but i think you will one day see you made the right decision.

My main reason for posting is to let you know i am in a similar situation. I dated my now wife for several years, all was good, 6 mo before the wedding sex disappears but still we got married as i thought it was just pre wedding stress. I got a new job, moved, bought a house near her family, got a dog, went on lavish vacations, all of it in hopes of reliving her stress so she would want to have sex. I treated her like a queen, always thinking it was my fault she wasent in the mood, constantly blaming myself.

In my late 20s and now been married almost 3 years my situation has not changed, sex is a once a month thing, she avoids it and i have to beg for it. I eventually emotionally checked out, gave up doing stuff around the house, hang out with friends, even told her multiple times i was acting that way because i felt neglected and hurt by the complete lack of sexual desire. Whenever i bring it up she changes for a week or two, is all of the sudden in a good mood, wants to have sex, gives me lots of attention, but soon after its back to normal, no sex, no effort around the house, depressed, etc...

Like many people have said if youve been happily (or at least contently) married for many years and this happens then its worth working out the issues. But if your marriage has been like this since day one there isnt much you can do, this is their personality, not just a short term change. Everyone has different.

Plus you're both young, have no kids or major, commitments or money troubles and yet she honestly feels like she is a "sex slave" when you are asking to have sex maybe 1-2 times a week. Imagine what it will be like when youre 40, have 3 kids, soccer practice, a broken down car you cant afford to repair and 100 other things going on... at least this way youre young and still have a fews years to get out there and meet a great girl.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

deejov said:


> I'm kinda shocked to hear this.
> I read that you dropped the divorce bomb, is that correct?
> 
> My opinion only, but would you consider separating for a period of time, instead of going straight to a divorce?
> ...


I totally agree that getting the romance back takes more than a couple of weeks. But, this case is not that simple.

What I see is a woman who refuses to even acknowledge a problem, much less that she is a part of that problem. Go back and look at what she said - "this isn't me" and "it's normal for the sex to taper off".

Where is the "you're right - I have changed a lot", "this isn't fair to you", or "if you're not happy then we both have a problem"? Answer: no where, because she does not see herself as having a problem.

She is overwhelmingly likely to see sex as a gift or favor to him and not something to which he is entitled as an ordinary part of a healthy marriage. He will forever be pissing into the wind trying to get something he needs which his wife sees as an inconvenience (at best).

She has made it clear that she has made her maximum effort. Unfortunately, the best she could do is to make a decent effort for a relatively short period of time before she rebelled and said she was done with it.

There is no future for their sex life with her current level of tolerance for sex, and no hope of improvement if she can't even admit a problem exists, much less admit fault. I think it's best to cut his losses now.

He's in his prime. Ending it now (without kids and minimal support due to her, if any) ensures a clean break and a true chance to start over. He is doing the absolute correct thing. 

Also, divorces take a long time to accomplish; she has plenty of time to improve her sexual performance if she really wants to save this marriage. If she chooses to just sign the papers and get on with it, then she really does not want to be with him either. Either way, filing for divorce now is the right action.


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## jnyu44 (Feb 13, 2012)

Thanks for posting your story. I'm really sorry to hear that you're getting a divorce. I'm also 27, been married for a year and am facing something similar. 

I agree with the guys here. You're in your prime, will be for several years to come. Congrats are also in order =)


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

be true to thy own self!

great job kicking her to the curb neither of you were going to thrive in this marriage.


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