# Begging In-Laws



## Mrs.Crystal (Mar 31, 2010)

Hey everyone! 
I have been having a problem with my husband for years. I have fought, begged and pleaded over this issue, heck we was seperated for 6 months and almost divorced. My husband let's my inlaws run our marriage. He also gives them large amounts of money. I can understand if we give someone money for emergencies, but 1,000 just for his Mom to go to the casino to 200 dollars for his nephew to buy video games is completely absurd! Everytime someone from his immediate family talks to him, they will always ask for some sort of money. I brought it up to him that he has to set boundaries and tell them to stop, but he won't. I honestly think he is scared to tell them no. 

At one point in time, I had stepped in and told his adopted sister no, but then I was "evil" according to his family. See, his adopted sister had not talked to him in years, but all of a sudden, out of the blue she called. The first phone call was "O I love you and I miss you.....", the second phone call was "Hey, I wanna go on a trip, can you lend me some money?" He said he couldn't tell her no, so asked me to do it. We haven't heard from her since, that was 3 years ago.

His family put's some kind of guilt trip on him, making it seem that it's unfair that he and I are well off and they aren't. In all actuality, we aren't that well off either, but I'm trying my hardest to cut corners and keep money in the bank (whenever he isn't lying to me and sending money to them behind my back.) We have 4 little girls and are both in college in an economy that sucks. Not only do I get mad when they coax them to send him money because I feel they are using him, I also get mad because I feel they are disrepecting our marriage and our family.

Anyways, so yesterday was the day I found out he sent 200 dollars to his 16 y/o nephew to buy video games. I was not happy because #1 he sent money and #2 MOSTLY because he lied to me once again. I brought it up, asking him which was more important, his nephews video games or his families well being. He got real mad and put up a huge brick wall between us. (As usual.)

Other than this issue, we do get along pretty well. It's a guarantee that once this comes up again, we are at each other's throats. This issue is literally tearing our marriage apart. I actually called his Mom yesterday about the $200 for video games, and she said "well he promised his nephew a couple years back he would get him a video game, and I guess he finally did it." Excuse me, did she just say a couple years back?!?! I couldn't believe she was really serious at that point. She must of completely forgot about all the other things and money my husband sent to him. It completely just went over her head, and she was actually rewarding this behavior, not only from my husband but from his begging nephew. (And when I say begging, I am putting it very lightly. EVERYTIME he talks to my husband it's for money!)

Does anyone have any type of advice for this? I have tried almost everything I can think of. I've tried being patient, VERY patient. I would ignore it and stop nagging and just took on more hours at work in order to make up the money, thinking he would see that I had to work harder because of his family, and that didn't work. I've tried calmly talking to him about this, he immediately gets offensive. I've even went and got seperate bank accounts, just to find out he "borrowed" my debit card to send money to his Mom. I'm really at my breaking point right now.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

It would be hard for your H to say no because he will probably be exiled from his family. that's really tough on his end. 

but of course i can see how you wouldnt want to put up with that. my MIL also pressured my H to send her money and take care of her. he gets a lot of crap from his brother for not sending her money. he is basically exiled from his family now, which is sad. 

Your H gets some reward from sending them money. so the only way to get him to stop is to find some way to make it not rewarding for him anymore. depending on how deep seeded this need is for him, it might take some drastic measures. I had to threaten to leave my H to get him to see that he was going to have to pick his mom or me. i packed up all my things and left and told him to think about who he wanted in his life. 

and try to see it from his point of view; he'll be more then likely losing his family over this. that is no small thing you're asking him to do.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

If he can't say "no", can he say "not so much", or "not until I get my paycheck"?

It sounds like they see him as a bottomless pit of money, so they have no reason to conserve. If he starts saying things like "I can give you the money, but you have to wait until I get my next paycheck", or he says "All I can get you is half that amount, unless you can wait until next month", it seems like they won't be able to get really mad at him (after all, not having as much money as you like is something they know about), but at the same time they'll get a cold dose of reality.

Might something like that work?


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## FebStars (Jun 29, 2009)

Note: most of the ideas I discuss come from John Gottman Ph.D. that I read about a year ago:

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. 

For your situation, in my opinion, his family is controlling him. I feel you both have to agree that the marriage is sacred and it's just between the two of you. Your marriage and your children are your PRIMARY family, immediate family becomes the SECONDARY family. 

Just like how people have personal boundaries, a relationship has boundaries. Many will see this as you trying to control him, but in reality, if you both want the relationship to work, you both have to prioritize and make your PRIMARY family a larger priority over the SECONDARY family, and enforce your marital boundaries. It sounds like you agree with this, but he's still "on the fence". Like the author in the book "7 Principles...", your marital boundary should be like a "nuclear missile site checkpoint", nothing gets in and out without the right papers.

About the guilt trips, I'm not sure what else they use in their guilt trips, but guilt trips are usually control. They need to take responsibility for their situation, not blame him or use him to get money. The only reason I could see that he should pay them is if they can prove that he owes them, i.e. a loan or something. So, they need to help themselves, and that doesn't mean help themselves to your husband's hard earned money.

He has a family now to work on, and it's you and your children. 

Hope it goes well Mrs. Crystal!


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## FebStars (Jun 29, 2009)

HOW do they even know how much money he has in the first place? 

From the sounds of it, you both are not completely secure financially, being in university etc. Does he think if you guys run in debt that his family will help you guys out? He has to protect himself, and his PRIMARY family (children).

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he's a nice guy - it's nice that he's trying to help out his parents/siblings/nephew(s). He needs to recognize that you and his children need him more. He doesn't love his parents and siblings any less if he doesn't give them money. They need to take care of themselves. 

What Artie said might be more diplomatic, and they can't say much if he doesn't have the money. It would just mean that he would still be giving some amount of money to them, but nowhere's near as much as before. 

In another post I had, we talked about how some people might not recognize external control (toolate brought this up). This might be the case with your husband - maybe he doesn't see that he's being controlled. It will take time for him to distinguish a healthy relationship with his secondary family from a non healthy relationship.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell him that, without a counselor, you will not continue the marriage.

Or learn to live with it.

That's about it.

You could try getting and reading to him or asking him to read The Dance of Anger. It's an amazing book that helps you see when you can't say no. And how TO say no, in a loving way so that your family/friends know that you still love them, but have to set up boundaries.


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