# "Half"... How unfair?



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

If you don't know me, I guess I am graduating from Coping With Infidelity to this side of the forum now. 

Long story short, caught my WW after her A had already eneded, have tried for the past 9+ months to work at R but not feeling it's going to work out. So we're going to trial separation, possibly advance to formal legal separation or D.

Two issues for me now, logically, are that (1) she has not worked since 3 yrs before our 7 yr old son was born, and (2) I make a good income but am classically resentful of handing over half (or more?) of my paycheck to her to live the lifestyle to which she's become accustomed while I go live in a cardboard box somewhere...

I want to provide for my son no questions asked, but in the process if I am being honest I am then gong to be providing far more to her than I am comfortable with -- especially given that SHE casued this all through her cheating (although I guess most laws including here in NY, adultery doesn't impact settlement terms).

Anyway, I know next step is to seek legal help. But before I get there, I'm wondering what to expect, for my own mental preparation.... I am am aware of the "17%" child support expectation; no prpblem there (although I am still confused on how you pay that % of GROSS income from your NET income $)... she then gets ~30% of my GROSS income ON TOP OF THAT since she will be primary physical custody? Also to be paid from my net income...? she will then be entitled to much more than half of my take-home pay?? Is that how it works? Sheesh not to sound unreasonable or vindictive or disrespect SAHMs, but it just seems so unfair -- she's not worked outside the home, provided no income (yes her home services have great value), I worked my butt off (which gave her the means to enable her A), and she is "entitled" to enough income that I will now step down significantly in lifestyle and home that I must also provide room for my son, so that she can 'maintain' hers that I provided in the first place...? 

And what if I stopped working my butt off and flipped burgers...? What then?

Sorry for ranting, sometimes feels better to just lay it out there; thanks.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi 2x Sorry you are in this situation I would seek legal advice in answer to your questions however I feel that sooner or later she would have to get a full time job, and couldnt you seek a joint custody arrangement 50/50 split ??


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Go read "A Man's Guide to a Civilized Divorce". Your library may have it. There is a good discussion of alimony and child support.

In some states the child support follows the child. Thus if she has the child 100%, you will pay to her. If you have the child 100% she pays to you. If you each have 50% of the time, nobody pays the other. Obviously your local laws will control how it works.

Why don't you push for some significant amount of custody? Not only will it probably reduce your $ pain, it will be much more satisfying to you to be involved with your kids.

Alimony may or may not be officially influenced by her infidelity. But the infidelity may be used as a pressure point in your negotiations with her, especially if you bring it up in court (or threaten to do so).

One of the theories on alimony is "income leveling". The theory looks at what your needs are and what her needs are, and then splits the difference above that. Most locations should consider what she could be earning based on her education and experience. Just because she hasn't worked for a while doesn't mean she won't be expected to work. That expected income is important in your alimony calculations.

Might you have a case for suing OM for alienation of affection or for intentional infliction of emotional distress? If OM has a good income you might get some relief there.

Alimony is usually limited to the length of your marriage maximum. You do want your child to live decently. So there is some merit to being generous while your child is still in the house. Be sure you are keeping things real, not just trying to punish your cheating wife.

Alimony is tax deductible to you, child support is not. Paying some alimony rather than more child support may be something to consider depending on your situation.

Be sure to put a very strong clause in any alimony settlement which terminates alimony if she cohabitates in any way. Idk if your lawyer will do it or if the court would allow it, but I would look to make the definition very narrow. A coworker of mine maintains her home with child so she can receive child support and alimony, while her non-spouse long term boyfriend keeps a legal residence also. Officially they are not married nor are they cohabitating because there are two residences. I would find a way to make that an end to alimony. Something like more than one night in a week or 3 nights in a month with one of them being at the other's residence any time between 10pm and 6am.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

For 3 years she was a SAHW? So basically the premise of the marriage from the get go was you would work full time and she wouldn't work outside the home even sans children. That set the table from the get go. 

As for alimony. I won't be forever. Get a good lawyer. 

I doubt you will have any shot at "alienation of affection. It is only available for use in 8 states and not in NY. 

Alienation of affections - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia




2xloser said:


> If you don't know me, I guess I am graduating from Coping With Infidelity to this side of the forum now.
> 
> Long story short, caught my WW after her A had already eneded, have tried for the past 9+ months to work at R but not feeling it's going to work out. So we're going to trial separation, possibly advance to formal legal separation or D.
> 
> ...


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

She is fairly young, yes? The probability of her getting remarried within 5 years is very high. Alimony will end when she gets remarried. Worst case would be 10 years of alimony if that is how long you've been married.

Lawyers fees add up at light speed. You are better off giving up half of everything without a fight. Find a way to make it work with as little arguing as possible.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I hate that cheaters get ANYTHING in a divorce. Stupid laws.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Coming up on ten years ? Find a lawyer ASAP, in some places ten is the manic number, if it's below you might save a lot of money, you might have some wiggle room so ask ASAP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Pretty sure in NY, the child support goes to whoever has primary custody. So if she is awarded primary custody, she will get a payment from you, even if you have the child 49% of the time for example. I highly recommend speaking to a lawyer... and consider you sue for primary custody of the children, in which case she would owe you child support (if she works).


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I also hate that 'cheaters' get anything. 

grrrr...I am going through a separation/divorce too. It is not my idea or what I want....and it stinks that I have to go into financial ruin because my husband quit on our marriage.

I know your frustration. I hate having to give up my son every other weekend. I hate no being able to afford a plane ticket home to see my family. So much of this is unfair.

grrrr!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

There is a law proposed in my state's legislature which specifically will provide for considering infidelity in awarding alimony. The pendulum may be starting to swing.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Thor said:


> There is a law proposed in my state's legislature which specifically will provide for considering infidelity in awarding alimony. The pendulum may be starting to swing.


It won't happen as long as politicians have to pass it.

They're likely the most unfaithful group of spouses on earth.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

Where are you getting the 30% on top of 17%?

I have a friend in NY who divorced and had primary custody. She received about 17% of her ex's gross(?) income plus was given the house, but she had to refinance in her name. No alimony. 

If it makes you feel any better there are studies that-- longterm-- men benefit financially from divorce and women don't. Also it's probably in your son's best interest to continue to have a SAHM, if that's what he's used to.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Thanks all for the feedback (and support). 

Just to clarify some points asked, we've been married over 11 years now, with my work/travel schedule it makes more sense for her to maintain primary physical custody (equal joint legal custody), and she'll work part-time so as to minimize the disruption in his life. She is early 40's. She'd like to keep the house(!), if I were paying for it but I am sure even on my food salary we can't reasonably afford that no matter how we split the money. But she has virtually no current income, which is where I understand she is "entitled" to a significant portion of my current income, for her "maintenance" on top of child support. The one thing we are not debating in any way is maintaining what is best for our son in every way possible, and not using custody/visitation rights as any pawn in our split. I get to see him as much as I want & can, and we minimize the disruption to his life (although he will have to move, we'd like to not make him change schools... which will be a challenge).

We do want to keep it all amicable, even use one mediator and keep it all civil -- I just want to be mentally prepared for what I am going to hear as to what she is "entitled to" so that I don't flip out on the spot. I don't want to make any lawyer rich in this process, as you said Thor I am probably better off just giving it over and moving on. She doesn't want us to split up and supposedly was neevr about the money -- but isn't going to settle for much less than she's entitled to either. And in the end I want my son comfortable, so she wins... thanks all.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

The separate maintenance portion stops when the D is final and more than likely she will
Have to get a job just like everyone else if she wants to live in the style she has become accustomed too
You may have to pay alimony but that typically ends when and if she get remarried
Or it could lower depending upon your income and her income you may have to tough it out for awhile 
But eventually you will get through this as the song says its cheaper to keep em 

Good Luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I would rather have half my stuff than all of you.


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