# wife is impossible to talk to



## aurorazz (Aug 11, 2009)

This morning our 3.5 year old was lingering at home when he should get out of the door to his school. She is trying to have a serious "discussion" with him to see why he was dragging his feet. I told him to get off the butt and stop making excuses. She get mad at me immediately. Just one sentence from me is enough to set off a 5 minute argument between us.

Last night when I was already sleeping in bed, she ask me if we are going out to lunch next day like we have mentioned. Still in a drowsy state, I told her maybe. Let's check tomorrow if we have too much left over food for lunch (this is our routine). She blow up on my answer. I know if I continue response to her, this will become one of the many torturous night when she wake me up in my bed to engage in ever escalating argument over nothing. So I refused to take the bait and told her I'm sleeping and we will discuss tomorrow. She walk off and won't talk to me tomorrow.

I think she distinctly lack the capacity to resolve small problems. Minor issue always get blow up to big argument. Once that happen, absolutely nothing can be done reconcile.

All this is one-sided. It is always she blasting me. You'll never see me blasting her. I put up with all her imperfection. But she pick on me endlessly.

I think she has a very delusional self image. She said I always think I am always right and never admit my mistake while she always apologize when she made mistakes. The first part about me is an unfair accusation, but I will leave it to another story. The second part about herself is just a grand delusion. She is the last person on earth to admit her mistake. If I point out anything negative about her, even though it is constructive critism put out in a sensitive manner, she will just go ballistic. Then she will justify her bad attitude by blaming me for starting it. I have never see her capable for a honest self-evaluation, let alone to offer any apology.

The other time we were driving, I was telling her she is habitually following the car in front too close. I choose my word carefully, knowing she is very easy to get upset. I reminder her that DMV suggest a distance of 3 seconds and she is keeping a distance of less than one second. I wasn't pushing her for change, but at the minimum I want her to be aware of this. She gets a little defensive and certainly was not making any behavioral change. Later the day this become another sticking point of how I am the kind of guy who always think I've everything right. I feel so hard to convey even a simple message to her.

Why does she turn every little thing in life into a problem? Am I expecting too much to have a normal person to talk to?


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

http://www.womenabusingmen.org/whatisabuse.html


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

I posted that link above, probably you will dismiss it. 

But, your story is exactly how my many years of abuse started.
Years and years of this, combined with your growing desperation to keep the peace, will make you cave. These women are an endless pit of energy when it comes to abuse. Blaming you for her bad moods and her polemic fights is exactly how it begins. You'll be so exausted that you might give into it and accept the blame. Funny thing is...accepting the blame actually sinks into your head over time and you'll do it more and more...and you'll even start believing it. Then you'll start changing your behavior to whatever she wants...and she'll have you around her pinky... controlled. Next thing you know, you'll be staying home with the kid while she goes banging her coworker whilst making excuses that she was working late or having "girls night out"

You said a word that is VERY KEY to her abuse.
JUSTIFIED. She acts justified because she is doing something she KNOWS is wrong...to justify her bad behavior to herself (which you have no idea about at this point) she picks fights with you left and right and insists on being right. When you cave in, and give into it for the sake of ending it...she feels justified. She is "Right" and it makes her feel justified (more like RIGHTEOUS) for doing that thing behind your back (retroactively) because you deserve it...afterall...it's all your fault!

Be warned...that illogical nonesense they start to gibber gabber is a BIG red flag that something else is going on.


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## Itslikethat (Jul 21, 2009)

_Posted via Mobile Device_

I don't think she is cheating. Some women are highly strung. You know when something bothers them it comes out in different ways. Eg, my wife lives a long way from her parents and misses them a lot. So she may pick on me for a while about nothing. After all hell has broken lose she has calmed down, I ask her what that was all about she says I just miss my mum.


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## aurorazz (Aug 11, 2009)

Being abused is the way I feel. But I don't think she is doing this intentionally. She has a lot of negativity in her. She is as much of a victim of herself as I am a victim of her. 

Take our lunch date as an example. This is something she wanted. End up we don't get to do it. She will blame this on me. But the truth is she has spoiled this herself. Even if I ask her out the next day it will have no use. She has already worked herself up so much this whole idea will be spoiled. this is just one example. There are plenty of other case when a minor issue got escalated into a big fight in just a few exchange. She is a very unhappy person. She just don't know she is largely responsible for her own unhappniess as well as mine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aurorazz (Aug 11, 2009)

Itslikethat said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> I don't think she is cheating. Some women are highly strung. You know when something bothers them it comes out in different ways. Eg, my wife lives a long way from her parents and misses them a lot. So she may pick on me for a while about nothing. After all hell has broken lose she has calmed down, I ask her what that was all about she says I just miss my mum.


I am glad your wife can calm down afterward. Not mine. Every problem is like irrepairable damage. That's why I think it is so pathethic that she think she always apologize for her mistake. Never. It wouldn't be so bad if we can reconcile after an argument. But she just seem incapable to do any of this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Itslikethat (Jul 21, 2009)

aurorazz said:


> I am glad your wife can calm down afterward. Not mine. Every problem is like irrepairable damage. That's why I think it is so pathethic that she think she always apologize for her mistake. Never. It wouldn't be so bad if we can reconcile after an argument. But she just seem incapable to do any of this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Seems like building resent. Seems like she always thinks she is right too. I sometimes don't argue back, you know say stuff like "your looking for an argument I'm not interested" or leave for a while till the waters calm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadyEm (Oct 6, 2009)

Sounds like you two need a break, to sit down and actually talk without any distractions.

Tell her you'd like to speak to her, privately. Stay calm. Make plans to sit down together, and agree, before speaking, to not interrupt one another. If it starts getting heated, walk away and start again when things have cooled down.

Express to her how you're feeling. Don't criticize, don't blame. Say "I" more than "You". No finger pointing, no immature name-calling, etc. If you have to, write down a list together of how you want to talk it out. When you're done, let her speak. Listen to what she has to say, and really think about it.

If you find it impossible to even get her attention long enough to talk it out, write a letter instead. Express in your letter your feelings. Remember not to accuse, or point fingers. Instead of, "You never listen", or "You get too angry", say, "I feel it's sometimes difficult to speak to you," and "It feels as though we're unable to talk without one of us getting upset".

Hopefully you will be able to listen to each other and find the root of this problem.

So sorry you're going through this. Good luck.


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## bob_sacamano (Oct 25, 2009)

Dude, that sounds exactly like my wife! I thought I was the only one getting beaten down over every little dispute. You hit the nail on the head about the sleeping arguments, always wants to argue/talk at night when I am falling asleep and "not listening to her" or dont think what she is saying is "important". I really don't have any advice other than you are not alone. sorry, I feel for ya.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Aurorazz, I am glad to hear that you found my post about BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) traits helpful in SeeThomasHowl's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...my-past-her-anger-our-furture.html#post198651. After reading the three threads you've started -- especially this one -- I agree that it sounds like your W suffers from strong BPD traits. Of course, only a professional can determine whether her traits are sufficiently severe to meet the diagnostic criteria. 

Yet, even though you and I cannot determine whether she "has BPD," you certainly are capable of recognizing a strong pattern of such traits if you take time to read about them so you know the red flags. By the time you were 18 you likely could recognize strong selfishness and grandiosity, for example, without knowing whether it rose to the diagnostic threshold for "having Narcissistic Personality Disorder." Similarly, the traits for BPD are no more difficult to spot when they are strong.


aurorazz said:


> Just one sentence from me is enough to set off a 5 minute argument between us.


If your W is a BPDer (i.e., person with strong BPD traits), as you suspect, her anger will rarely have much (if anything) to do with the subject of the argument. Instead, her anger was caused many years ago in early childhood and is only being triggered by things you do or say.


> I think she distinctly lacks the capacity to resolve small problems. Minor issue always get blown up to big argument. Once that happens, absolutely nothing can be done reconcile.


That is a very astute observation. If she is a high functioning BPDer, she likely can function very well with casual friends, business associates, and total strangers. None of those people pose a threat to her because there is no personal relationship (and hence no threat of abandonment). Nor is there any intimacy (and hence no threat of engulfment). You, on the other hand, pose both of those threats. So statements from you will often trigger one fear or the other.

The reason you likely will never be able to sit down and have a rational, calm discussion about any sensitive issue -- no matter how small -- is that a BPDer is always 10 seconds away from a tantrum. All that is needed is an innocent comment or action to trigger it. And, of course, mentioning a sensitive subject will certainly provide the trigger, releasing her anger within seconds.


> Why does she turn every little thing in life into a problem?


There are several reasons. One is that "being a victim" is the closest thing to a self-image that she has and she won't give it up. That is, her self image is so weak and incomplete that she is holding on for dear life for what little self image she has. And, of course, given her need to be a "victim" for her entire life, she needs an ever-present "perpetrator" around: you. So much for your plans to be her "savior." Actually, during the six month honeymoon period of infatuation, she likely believed you were her savior and she wanted that. As soon as that illusion vanished, however, she went back to needing a perpetrator to support her self concept of being a victim. Moreover, as the years go by, she will become increasingly resentful of your inability to make her happy (an impossible task).


> Am I expecting too much to have a normal person to talk to?


Yes, without years of therapy from a psychologist trained to treat BPDers, your W likely cannot become a "normal person" because she has damage to her emotional core.


> I think she has a very delusional self image. She said I always think I am always right.


BPDers typically experienced a trauma in early childhood that (together with heredity) prevented them from maturing emotionally. They therefore rely far more heavily than other folks on the primitive emotional defenses available to a young child. One of these that they use most frequently is projection. Indeed, they tend to use it so often that you can almost read a BPDer's mind by observing the outrageous things she is accusing you of doing. If she is accusing you of "always insisting you are right," as in this case, that likely is what she is thinking about herself. Of course, recognizing that would make her feel guilty so, instead, she projects the thought onto you. Because this projection is done subconsciously, her conscious mind is unaware of the deception -- with the result that she will actually believe that the thought arose in your mind.


> She is the last person on earth to admit her mistake.


As I noted above, a BPDer has a very fragile sense of who she is. Moreover, she hates herself. So the last thing she wants is to hear about one more mistake or flaw to add to the long list of things she hates about herself. And besides -- as I noted above -- she needs to blame you for everything because, absent a perpetrator, she cannot sustain her illusion of being a victim.


> If I point out anything negative about her, even though it is constructive criticism put out in a sensitive manner, she will just go ballistic.


As I said, a BPDer is always 10 seconds from a tantrum.


> I choose my word carefully, knowing she is very easy to get upset.


I bet you do. Indeed, I bet you choose them so carefully that you long ago ceased being your true self and have become, instead, a man who walks on eggshells all the time. This is why the most popular BPD book (targeted to the spouses) is called "Stop Walking on Eggshells." Like me, you probably are a caregiver with strong aspects of codependency in your personality. The problem is not that we want to help others. Rather, the problem is that we are willing to keep doing it when it is to our great detriment -- and when it is not working -- and even when the recipient (like your W) is incapable of appreciating any of the help.


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