# Banff's Deeper Concepts about Marriage and Infidelity Thread



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

This thread is a continuation of the discussion started on blown away's thread: "Chat on Facebook." On that thread, Banff wrote: 



> First I wanted to say what a huge help this forum has been for me. And that I agree with 95% of what both of you post.
> 
> Sorry if I came off harsh. And I understand what you are trying to help him with. It just felt a little heavy handed. Maybe he needed that, I don't know.
> 
> ...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

*"Even people who drive a Lamborgini wonder if they might like a
Ferrari better!"*

Love it!

I often get confused about what seems to be conflicting advice for those of us who have been hurt.

I think that at the end of the day we must all be held accountable for our own actions. Some of us haven't been perfect spouses - not sure anyone is. But I don't think that justifies a spouse looking outside the marriage for intimacy with another person.

And it can be very hard to focus on "winning someone back" when: a) you are no longer sure you want them - the "old" them wouldn't have done this;
b) you are licking your wounds; it hurts when a spouse goes to someone else - it's not only an unexpected betrayal, but it also just kind of hurts your pride and your ego; 

Just my 2 cents, inspired by the Ferrari comment!


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## bob_sacamano (Oct 25, 2009)

I have experienced something of the same.

I have been sleeping on the couch for the past 1.5 months. My wife recently (last year) started to satisfy herself while I was not living at home per her requests that we "separate" for a while to give me perspective I guess. I moved back home and things were going great. And I started going back to my usual married self of not treating her like she needs. She flat out said she wants a fairytale marriage. I was giving it to her but I didn't really get any positive feedback. Just kept hearing critisism from her and that I was getting worse. We had a great Valentines day and she even said so. I bought her a new wedding ring set and we were great. Then one day BAM!!! You need to sleep on the couch for a while.

so there I was trying to get to sleep one night and I noticed that her tv was on in her room (light under the door). I thought hmm, kind of late for her tv to be on. so I was going to go in and turn it off thinking she was asleep and I heard soft talking, her on the phone trying to keep quiet. so I stood by the door and listend, I really couldn't hear anything but just a bit cause of the tv volume. then I heard "i don't think I could control myself". Then it got quiet for a few seconds. Then I heard moaning and such. so I backed up and gathered myself so I didn't kick the damn door in cause I would just have to fix it the next day. i called her phone, no answer. I called the home phone, no answer. I cop knocked the door of her room several times and kept hearing moaning. Then it stopped.

she opened the door and I said with a loud firm voice "I think we have a problem here." she acted like she didn't know what was going on. I asked "who the hell are you on the phone with?". Nobody she said. I said "don't lie to me. Who the hell are you fu*#ing over the phone?" She looked totally shocked and said "nobody". After I accused her of cheating and said "this is adultery in my eyes" and asking who was on the phone she finally told me what was going on. She was talking to an old friend from high school that lives in TX and she told him she was not feeling good and feeling lonely. He said "I can make you feel better." This was like a dagger shoved through my heart pulled out and shoved again. She said it was a weak moment for her and she gave in. Said she said nothing to him while pleasuring herself while he talked. I'm sure he was, punk ass bastard.

the next morning I wrote her a note and told her that "I said a few hurtful things and I am sorry. Can you forgive me? My emotions got the best of me and took over my actions." Along with a few other things. She txted me later at work and asked for my forgiveness, I said, I already did in my head lastnight. I still cant get past the hurt. She told me she does not talk to this guy anymore but how do I trust her. she said she felt closer to me than ever that night when i blew my top.

We have been married for 12 yrs and have 4 kids. I have never had a trust issue with her before until now. Now I have all sorts of thoughts running through my head while at work. I work out of town for 3 days a week and it kills me to think what she may be doing at night when I'm not there. By herself doesn't bother me one bit, but with another man! I wanted to go kill this guy or something. Very unlike me, I get along with everybody. 

then there is another issue with another punk ass guy friend of hers that's divorced and lives here in town. He goes out with her and her stupid single friends every other weekend to the bar. She talks to him on the phone all the time and txts him and facebook mssg him. He is the reason I killed my facebook cause I couldn't handle all the stupid comments they made to each other. Made my blood boil. So i just go off facebook for good. No telling what they are saying now. She says I need to trust her and he is just a friend. He is not her type and she is not his type. I looked at his myspace page and his description of his ideal woman matches my wife description to a freaking T. I just need advice on how to handle this. I have prayed and prayed that GOD will give me the courage and strength to weather this problem and guide my head in the right direction. I also prayed that HE will guide her heart in the right direction, back to her husband that will not give up on her. Til death do us part.

One other issue is that she has a severe medical problem that is effecting her thought process and such. I don't want to go into too much detail here but brain surgery may be in the very near future, couple months possibly.

thanks for any and all advice.


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