# My husband cheated and has a 4 year old son outside our marriage



## Blue Ivy (May 19, 2012)

I recently found out that my husband had an affair 4 years ago in which he fathered a son with this random woman that I knew nothing of. My life is in shambles, I'm already stressed about a sudden illness that I have on top of all this. This girl because she is 7 years younger than me contacted me in March of 2012 and said that her and my husband had a one year affair in 2007. She mentioned how for 4 years my husband supported her son and she even at one point gave him money. She said the reason she decided to tell me was that he stopped giving her money. Like a fool I stayed by his side and believed everything he said. We did a DNA test and it turned out that he was the child's father, and even though I knew that was a possibility I am devastated. I can no longer cope and I do not know whether to stay or go. One thing about my husband he hid this well, he never changed with me and he's spoiled me, he does everything for us. My hesitation at leaving comes from the fact that I know he's been extremely good to me. But this innocent child i always going to be a constant reminder, I do not know if I could cope with that.


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

This is heartbreaking. For me, it would absolutely be a deal breaker. Yes, the child is innocent, but it would forever be a torment to me. Do you have children with your husband? That would also complicate things. You are in a lose/lose situation. I have no advice based on experience, but cheating alone would probably end it for me. Bringing a child into the world with someone is an intimate bond, one that you will always be on the outside of.


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## Blue Ivy (May 19, 2012)

Thank you for insight. My husband and i also have a son together and he's known my son which I brought into our relationship since he was a year old. Our son is only 2 years older than this one he's just had. I don't know if I even should discuss this with them, because obviously his child should be a part of his life. I just do not know what to do.


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

You say he's been good to you? Do you really believe that? Removing issues of kids, he had a year long affair that culminated in a love child that he has hidden from you for years. Can you get past that betrayal? If you can forgive that, then you can probably live with this child's existence in your life. 

I have a stepchild. When I chose my husband, she was part of the package. I have never resented or had any issues with that. I made a choice then to accept them both in my heart. Accepting a child that was conceived after we were committed to one another...I don't think I could overcome that many levels of betrayal. 

But I think there are some women who can. Has your husband come clean about this affair? Have there been others? Is he transparent? The coping with infidelity forum would probably have a wealth of good advice for you.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

If he cheated on you once and lied about it... he could have done it other times, and he could be doing it still.

Honesty is vital, especially when someone has betrayed that trust as fundamentally as your husband has. There's a section on this forum for dealing with infidelity. I suggest you repost your situation there and I bet you'll get a lot of valuable insight from others who have been where you are now. I wish I could offer you more, but I'm afraid I'm out of my depth here so I'll leave you in their capable hands.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why do you think that the OW told you about their affair and the child?

How much of a relationship does your husband have with this child?


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

He has *NOT* always been good to you. He cheated on you, fathered a child and hid it from you. Your husband has *0* respect for you. He has not been good to you.


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## domah (May 18, 2012)

Its easy for me, or anyone else to say drop him; however, only you can make this decision for yourself, as there are children involved, and they will most certainly get hurt if you and your husband get divorced.

There are many factors that may help you decide what to do. Was this a one time affair that resulted in a birth by mistake? Is he still continuing this affair? If he has been good to you, there might be a level of forgiveness in your heart for past transgressions.

I hope you are able to find some peace in your heartbreaking situation. I'd start by talking to your husband and asking him to come clean. While divorce is an option, it really should be an option of last resort. You, as a woman, most certainly will come out the winner (at least financially) in a divorce. Please keep us updated.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear you're going through something like this. Anytime someone has an affair the betrayal is just horrible. Recovering from it is very hard to do even when it's caught immediately and the other person doesn't cheat again. 

You say he's been good to you. It sounds to me like you felt happy even though he was having an affair - as long as you didn't know it. In other words, what you said... he treats you well enough that you weren't complaining about the relationship otherwise. This may be important to deciding whether to stay or not. Could you be ok with him having affairs? Also, what was his reason for having the affair? Is he unhappy about something in the relationship, or is he so insecure he needs other validation, or ? 

I wrote an article that talks about things people should consider before they decide to leave or stay after an affair. If you'd like to use it to help focus your thoughts, it's at After the Affair: Should You Leave if Your Partner Cheated? 

Whatever you decide, remember that you're still a good woman and a caring person that deserves to be treated well.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Blue Ivy said:


> I recently found out that my husband had an affair 4 years ago in which he fathered a son with this random woman that I knew nothing of. My life is in shambles, I'm already stressed about a sudden illness that I have on top of all this. This girl because she is 7 years younger than me contacted me in March of 2012 and said that her and my husband had a one year affair in 2007. She mentioned how for 4 years my husband supported her son and she even at one point gave him money. She said the reason she decided to tell me was that he stopped giving her money. Like a fool I stayed by his side and believed everything he said. We did a DNA test and it turned out that he was the child's father, and even though I knew that was a possibility I am devastated. I can no longer cope and I do not know whether to stay or go. One thing about my husband he hid this well, he never changed with me and he's spoiled me, he does everything for us. My hesitation at leaving comes from the fact that I know he's been extremely good to me. But this innocent child i always going to be a constant reminder, I do not know if I could cope with that.


First, I'm really sorry for your heartbreak. ((hugs))

I am not speaking from experience, but I think if I were in your situation it would be a definite deal-breaker. Maybe, _maybe_ if he had come clean about the affair/child right when it happened, you would have been able to work it out, but to hide the situation for four years, lying to you at every turn...I agree, shows zero respect for you as his wife, partner, the woman he supposedly loves.

The child, while innocent for sure, will always be a painful reminder for you of his betrayal. Is he an active part of the child's life now aside from financially?


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