# He said I'm so "heavy and pregnant" I might hurt both of us.



## mominschool (Sep 19, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for a little over two years now. We've gone through some pretty rough times for such a short marriage. I got pregnant in the spring of 2009 when we'd been married less than a year and everything fell apart. He went from being the most sensitive, sappy, compassionate man to someone different. He tells me that I killed his optimism. I deal with insecurity (I think almost every woman does to some degree nowadays) and he said some things that had really hurt me in the beginning. That he thought other women were hotter than me, etc. He went back and said he didn't mean it, but I find that hard to swallow. And I carried resentment and overblown insecurity through a huge chunk of our marriage making him feel like he was on eggshells. I admit it.

When I was pregnant he became cruel when angry. I wasn't perfect. And we both said things to hurt each other. But I've stopped preying on his physical insecurities. We were separated for the birth of our first baby and part of me may still be trying to forgive him for that. Or rather, work my way up to feeling safe with him again. I'm pregnant again. It happened very quickly after we got back together and after our baby was born. I never had a chance to lose the 40 pounds I'd gained and am growing bigger with this pregnancy (luckily I've only gained 5-10 pounds total so far and I'm more than halfway through). I'm trying to be very good and healthy. I've had some extra stress because I was told my amniotic fluid is low. I don't feel a lot of support from him, though.


I guess that I'm still always scared that he'll up and leave again. Although he tells me (exasperatedly) that he won't. But I don't know if I could bear doing this alone AGAIN and with two children. So I never feel safe. He's lied to me about minor things and I find that hard. I still remember him telling me he thinks other women are "hotter" and calling me ugly, fat, stupid, pathetic even though this was years ago, and it makes me feel like I'm not enough whenever an attractive woman is in our presence. I KNOW that this is something that I need to work on and it isn't all his fault, but when I try to talk to him about how I still feel scared or doubt his feelings for me he gets so angry and judgmental about my behavior. And the SARCASM! He is constantly making sarcastic comments saying yes when he means no or vice versa and it drives me up the wall. I can't keep things straight.

Overall, things have been pretty good until the past couple of days. I see him trying. He brings me home stuff I might be craving, calls me sexy a little more now that I've brought up feeling insecure around him. But I just don't feel like the passion is there anymore. That he really DOES find me very attractive when I'm pregnant and overweight.

Today I jokingly (or half-jokingly) asked him if he wanted a pregnant lapdance and he said that he really didn't because I was so "heavy and pregnant" that it might hurt him or both of us. This comment really offended and hurt me. One, I think that it is totally uncalled for because I am not THAT large. I've actually done fairly well I think for all my body has been through. I don't ride a scooter. I don't shop at specialty "big-girl" stores. And I thought it was grossly insensitive because I am always talking about trying to not gain a lot of weight because I weigh more now than I ever have.

When I told him this he just berated me and said I'm big because I'm pregnant and I was being too sensitive. I told him that I'm sick of questioning myself in his eyes and I'm starting to think we aren't meant to be.

I'm sad about this, though. I want a happy family, but when I think about if my daughter told me a man said this to her, I'd feel deeply for her and want more for her.

I just don't know if I can ever feel safe with him again. Especially after the comment today. That one went deep.

I don't know how to talk to him anymore or get through to him. 

Maybe a huge part of it is my fault, but I'm so tired of trying to fix things because I feel like I fix them wrong.


Any advice? Words of wisdom?


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## Robrobb (Jun 18, 2010)

I don't get this phenomenon among some men. When my wife was pregnant, she became more desirable to me in some ways I didn't expect. I chalked it up to some evolutionary thing that bonds mates so that the male becomes super-protective to the female with child, etc. There should be no reason not to continue to have a physical relationship well into a pregnancy.

Another key thing is to be there at the birth. For moms, they have months of time to slowly fall in love with their child as it grows within them. For the Dad, you know you love the baby as a part of your wife and as something you've done together, but you don't fall in love with the child until that first moment you hold him/her after they are born. In my experience, you get clobbered with love for the child in that moment, and I feel it's an important moment for the dad. If you want to keep him around, make damned sure he's there for the delivery this time.

Does he have friends who are dads? Maybe a pointed discussion with one of them can set him on track? Most guys, if approached by their friend's pregnant wife, would step up for that.

Wish you luck


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## sunshine31 (Feb 1, 2010)

I'm really sorry to hear your story. I cannot relate in being pregnant as i don't have children of my own yet, but I can relate to the fear of it. My husband and I were very active when we met and physical fitness is an important aspect my husband has always been upfront about. He says he understands that i'll go through pregnancy and he'll find me attractive, but i'm really afraid that after I have a child my body will have changed and i'll feel shameful of my body. One of my most admired features has always been my flat tummy and i'm afriad losing that through pregnancy will kill my self esteem and my husband will only make it worse. I know he'll encourge me to work out which is good, i just fear it iwll take longer than he wants and he'll look elsewhere. Insecurities are tough enough, and having the people you love most add to them makes it that much worse. I hope you can get through this. I am definately of the thinking to try and work through it and not bail. Good luck. Keep your chin up!


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

mominschool, you need to find your power and self esteem. Almost every woman has some kind of insecurity or some kind of negative body image. There is always something we don't like about ourselves. While that part is normal, it is not normal to tie those insecurities to a man. Yes, him saying such things are hurtful. The difference is, self esteem means you think enough of yourself to know those hurtful things he says do not define you and do not define your worth. It is desperation to so badly NEED his approval when you know he only says those things so he can deliberately hurt your feelings. That means what he says should make you angry, not hurt you. The reason is his intention is to hurt you, which means he is being verbally abusive. Men say such types of things for the sole purpose of offending you, and that is verbal abuse. A worthy partner would not do that. If you became angry instead of hurt and desperate for him to take it back (which does not mean anything to take it back), then you would know he is not worth marrying because you should be determined not to live your life with such unkindness constantly being directed your way just to stab you in the heart. You married him anyway, again out of desperation. If he literally tried to stab you in the heart, would you stay with him? But you stay with him and he stabs you in the heart at every opportunity.

The last thing you needed was for another woman to tell you her self esteem is also directly connected to a man. It may be the way some women are, but they need to find themselves as badly as you need to. There is something very wrong when women are content with their man constantly putting them down. That he does it destroys a woman's self esteem. You need to put him out, but you are afraid he will leave. I guess that places you in a catch 22 position until you find yourself and realize he is not worth your time, much less your love. Every man on this earth knows not to say anything like that to a pregnant woman. If he does it anyway, you know it was solely to berate you. Solely to tear you down. Solely to rape you of happiness and self esteem. He is the lowest of low, but you want him. You should be angry and throwing him out, but you want him.


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