# Doesn't spend time with me?



## Wantloveback (Nov 22, 2010)

I'll try to make this short: I've been w/ my husband for 13 years now. Married almost 6 yrs. High School loves. Love was very strong, until he turned 21, he went through the party stage, drinking, staying out all night. Slept w/ several women. We worked past this and things were okay. (we were not married at this time). Several years later we got married had a baby, I went through Postpartum depression about 3 months after I had my baby. I was depressed all the time. A mutal friend of ours came back in our life and he became a really good friend to me. We ended up sleeping w/ eachother. I explained what happend to my husband, we went and got help together, I was on depression meds. Things got really good between us. We worked on US and were really happy again. We decided to have another child 2 yrs later, we bought a house. Now living at our house our neighbors are over there all the time, which keeps my husband outside drinking w/ them all the time. In the past 3 months he has slept in bed w/ me about 15 times on his days off. Mostly sleeps on the couch (which he did this back in his party stage & cheating stage. 
I've woke up in the middle of the night and went outside and he is gone, truck and all. He says he went riding around or went to his fishing hole, but really not sure where he is going.
I try and make "date nights" watching a movie or playing a game at home, since we really can't go out during the work week w/ 2 young kids, and if the neighbors come over, I get blown off by him. Last night was the icing on the cake for me. We made plans to spend the night together alone, and he ended up staying up until 4 am w/ neighbors. We got in a fight and he said some very harsh words to me. I don't think he is "in love" with me anymore. He won't tell me or talk to me anymore. He rolls his eyes and pretty much says it's all my fault. What is this.. Is this normal for a man to hide from his relationship every now and then?? Sorry so long..


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

it kinda sounds like hes back in all his fromer glory. if he didnt want to change before, either he wasnt ready or he dosent want to change.

you have to know which it is, your future is depending in it. if you think he fell off the wagon, go back to your counsler, he should be in AA. you shoud be in AL-NON, the familt thearpy.

maybe hes never going to change, waht would you do if he told you to your face stone cold sober:"this is who i am, i dont want to change, im not going to change. deal with it, and yea, maybe i dont love you the same,grt over it". what then, an addiction means he was already in a commited relationship before you, and he is cheating on you with his drinking. sooo technically, you are the other woman in his life.


addictions always come first, second, & thrid. additcs will always choose the addicitons over all else. could he get better? could he get worse? think of the babies, they will grow up in a house with a drunk, and dissrespectiful dad. they will make all the wrong life choices depending on that.

think long and hard. ask your self the tough questions, you will have to answer for him, hes an additct. 

i hope you will find the peace of mind you are looking for. i hope you understand some of my questions. not trying to hurt you any more.


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## Wantloveback (Nov 22, 2010)

Thank you for your reply. 
I agree he has a type of drinking problem, but he doesn't drink every day. He works shift work and it comes down to only working 14 days a month. 7 days/7nights total. On his days off, he is hanging out w/ his friends and will have a few beers. Some nights he won't drink at all, even if he is outside w/ them. So it's not that he "needs" it. He doesn't drink at all on the days he has to work. It's more that he can't tell his friends NO I'm going to spend time w/ my wife/family tonight. We always fight about this. Of course I want more attention from him on the days he is off. When he is working days, he will come home and help w/ the kids some and hang out w/ me. I feel that I'm his "back up" plan on his nights off though. When the neighbors are playing, then he wants me. He complains that we don't have much of a sex life. I explain to him that it's hard to do that when he isnt' around long enough to do it. For the most part he is a wonderful dad. I just need more of the emotional relationship from him and all he talks about is the physical part. (or lack of). I feel I can't get physical w/ him because I'm not his # 1. Is it wrong for me to get angry with him and voice my opinion about him not spending enough time w/ me? That's really when the fights start. His excuse is that he hates sitting inside watching TV, he is very much an outdoors person. 

I hope this makes sense.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

what is that "type" of drinking? either he has a drinking problem, or he dosent. if not that what is the real issue? is it hanging out? does he hang so he can drink or does he drink so he can hang?

if you want to spend time with him tell how important it is to be together. ask him if you could go to the park[i dont know if its snowing where you live] but even thats pretty. go outside with him. do things during the day time like watch a movie, or play a video game.

usually my h will watch movies with me early in the day, or at midnight, we try and fit our tv together during the day light. you dont feel the night calling you when the sun is out.

what things do you do, and what does he do, and what do you do together? what about before you married, did you share things? what is his fav movie or music?

it might just be time for a good old fashioned "honey, we need to talk" 

just be kind, think of what words you would like to hear if he was taking an interest in you, flip them to him. men as creatures of habbit, and if your life has had the same rotuine for a while, then you will be meet with resistance. its a different way of thinking, and talking, and interacting.

take it slow, dont overwhelm him. dont yell. dont give up. if you are possitive he does not have a drinking problem then talking will help. if he is unhappy and regreats being tied down,
his resetment, will only grow. he has already told you he missed his youth, partying it up. if thats what he wants, you will not change his mind. he has to want to change, and put you first. he has to want to work it all out with you and go through the hard stuff.

you could ask him point blank, real f****n talk, does he want out. if he says yes, wave bye. if he wants to stay...he has to say i want to stay with you, its time to roll up your sleeves, and think of how this will work out.

best of luck...you love him and he loves you, go forward with everything and get to know you & him again.


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## Wantloveback (Nov 22, 2010)

I'm so confused on the entire situation, some weeks he drinks so much I really do think he has a problem. Then he goes weeks and might have 2 or 3 beers during that time. I don't feel any love, emotional effection from him. I've tried to go out side and talk to him/hang out w/ him, but it's hard to sit out there when you have babies that need taken care of. I want him to be more productive in our "in-side" life. He doesn't take the time to do things that are a must around the house, I do everything. I also work 40+ hours a week and then come home to try and spend some time w/ my kids. No I don't keep a spotless house, I'm not the perfect miss homemaker. I enjoy hanging out w/ friends and family and having a few drinks sometimes, but my kids are always taken care of first.

I feel so alone all the time, and that's why I'm getting to the point now. I know someone out there will love me and want to be w/ me.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

if his drinking scares you, or if its binge drinking, he needs to get help, and you need councling also to deal with his drinking. social drinking is very different from what you are describing.

now he he outside at all hours of the day like sunup to sun down? or is it more after dinner when its dark, and prime time is sucking? do not feel bad about takeing care of your small childern first babies come first when its about saftey. 

i suspect he is hangin cuz he is bored, and has way to much free time on his hands. right now he thinks its a good thing, cuz...well...who wouldnt whoo-hoo 5 free hours in my day it nothing but watch paint dry the mating habbits of the common house fly....

but to him this is the best ever!!! men meed to be told get your butt in gear, we are your frist priorty.....but you cant tell 'em nothin. most figure it out. some have fear of failure. some need a kick oin the head.

cant answer that question every person is different. we all have different triggers. you have to know him really well, and be able to tell him time for that second job, stop going out so much, spend more time with me.

tha is very hard to do. and if you nag, yell, tell, comand, scream, demand, bargin, have fit and throw things, and make ultmatituns he will only continue to pull away from you and make bad choices, like handing out and drinking. a lot.

you just need to tell him you miss him. tell him you "miss us". ask him "do you miss us?", he will be confussed about it, your right here... say you miss talking to him til yoou fall asleep, miss waking up in his arms.

leave it at that.

if you notice, i said DO you miss me, not DONT you miss me. they mean the same thing but DONT sounds demanding, DONT you listen, DO you hear what im saying.

change a few vocabulry words and, the whole sentence structure changes. and always, always keep it nice. stick to the problem you are having, if you talkin about the trash, then dont bring cleaning up the bathroom, thats unfair fighting, and you will never talk about the trash and get a reslovance to it.

have a happy talk.


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## Wantloveback (Nov 22, 2010)

Ok to give an update: I live in the US-TX so Monday he was off work, he had to go test for another job he is trying to get. The test was 5-6 hours 2 til around 8ish. I was home giving the kids a bath and getting ready for the upcoming Holiday. (after I worked 10 hours that day). When he walked in the door, I was sitting on the couch folding clothes, My daughter ran up to him and hugged his neck and said hi. He would not come near me, I didn't think anything of it, he was playing w/ our child. (usually he will come in and kiss me to say hi). We talked for a few, I asked him how he felt about the test, did he pass, etc. Well I noticed he wasn't talking much keeping the conversation really short. When he is talking about Chemical plant stuff he always talks a lot and goes in to details. I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing and had a smile on his face. (he does that when he is lying) So that set me off. I asked him have you been drinking? He said NO (w/ a smile) So I walked up to him to see if I could smell beer. I DID! So I asked him again, have you been drinking and did you even go test. He swore he did go test, but did grab a beer on his way home. There is this new beer here in the states that will pretty much get you drunk after drinking one. It's compaired to one 12 pack of beer. (it's is now outlawed in stores, but they can continue to sell what they have). So since the kids were home, I asked him to go outside and talk. I asked him why he keeps doing this? His response is "I don't know" So I told him I could not handle this anymore. He needs help! I walked back inside and continued what I was doing. Then of course the neighbors show up! He walks across the street w/ them to continue his drinking. I asked a neighbor to make sure he didn't leave tonight, and he promised me he would keep an eye out for him. I went to bed.
I decided it was time for us to separate, I told him he needed to pack all his stuff and leave. All day yesterday he was texting me, etc begging me to stay, that he had no place to go and that he needed us. I told him, he could move in to my son's room and that he is on his own. Food, shopping, laundry, etc. He of coursed stayed in the house all night last night and was doing everyone's laundry and cleaing up the house. I ignored him and did my nightly things and went to bed. Did not talk much unless we had to. I feel that he is "changing" now because he knows I'm at my breaking point, and things would go back to the way there are/were as soon as I let him back in my life and things got confortable again.. 

Any advise.. Do I continue on the living separate, (he will realize what all I do at home).
Do I ask him to leave completely?

Also, Sunday is my B-day, we were supposed to go out of town to our hunting camp and have Thanksgiving on Friday w/ his mom/sister, I explained that I wasn't going anymore and the kids were not either because I can't trust him or his mom not to drink. (his mom is not a alcoholic, just has a few beers while on vacation). Was that wrong of me??


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