# Platonic friend with Wife's F Cousin causing jealousy



## Jo.OrNot? (Nov 14, 2018)

Ladies ,
My Wife's F Cousin and I have been good friends since she baptized our Son. I'm talking going on about 15 yrs now. We have similar interests in what we find humor in, we've chatted over text,social media, etc ... Topics of conversation have never crossed the line regarding sex or sent pics to each other. Mostly chatting for ****s n giggles, memes, and other funny posts found online. My wife does not enjoy social media and chooses to not join any. My wife has now forbidden me from chatting with her cousin because it's disrespectful and I shouldn't be chatting with her because she doesn't like it and if I continue to chat it's because I want to be with her... I'm told to ignore the cousin now and I would be betraying her if I continued chatting... I've never hidden my conversations with the cousin


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

What caused this sudden change? SOMETHING had to trigger your wife about this.
Maybe you, your wife, and her cousin should sit down and talk this out?


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## Jo.OrNot? (Nov 14, 2018)

You are right now that I think about it... I was flirty with a F gamer years ago and that was stopped immediately after I was called out on it. So she must be feeling like that is happening again but with her cousin.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Jo_OrNot? said:


> You are right now that I think about it... I was flirty with a F gamer years ago and that was stopped immediately after I was called out on it. So she must be feeling like that is happening again but with her cousin.


So, go back and look at your texts/communications with the eye of your WIFE. Anything sketchy there? TALK to her. If you did that back then, she may think it is starting all over again and just flat out won't tolerate it.


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## Jo.OrNot? (Nov 14, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> So, go back and look at your texts/communications with the eye of your WIFE. Anything sketchy there? TALK to her. If you did that back then, she may think it is starting all over again and just flat out won't tolerate it


Honestly most communications involve sharing memes and related posts to current events some conversations regarding them. With the occasional made ya look post/clickbait


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Something obviously tripped some kind of boundary alert with your wife. A nice calm talk about what happened or what may have caused this is in order.


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## Jo.OrNot? (Nov 14, 2018)

hubbyintrubby said:


> Something obviously tripped some kind of boundary alert with your wife. A nice calm talk about what happened or what may have caused this is in order.


I think the notifications coming in more frequently probably triggered my wife. Again I never hid who it was messaging and what was being shared


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Your wife is right, knock it off. 

Need I point out the double standard, or are you going to swear up and down that it wouldn't bother you if the roles were reversed?


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## Jo.OrNot? (Nov 14, 2018)

OnTheFly said:


> Your wife is right, knock it off.
> 
> Need I point out the double standard, or are you going to swear up and down that it wouldn't bother you if the roles were reversed?


Your right, I have stopped chatting with the cousin, she's sent over posts and memes with comments but I didn't reply. I have felt jealous about the conversations she's had with co workers she's told me about but I don't show it I think I get moody.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Jo_OrNot? said:


> Ladies ,
> My Wife's F Cousin and I have been good friends since she baptized our Son. I'm talking going on about 15 yrs now. We have similar interests in what we find humor in, we've chatted over text,social media, etc ... Topics of conversation have never crossed the line regarding sex or sent pics to each other. Mostly chatting for ****s n giggles, memes, and other funny posts found online. My wife does not enjoy social media and chooses to not join any. My wife has now forbidden me from chatting with her cousin because it's disrespectful and I shouldn't be chatting with her because she doesn't like it and if I continue to chat it's because I want to be with her... I'm told to ignore the cousin now and I would be betraying her if I continued chatting... I've never hidden my conversations with the cousin


So, do you want a happy marriage or some super online pal relationship with some cousin?
What is your priority?
She has flat out told you this bothers her.
Are you expecting her to just have a drastic, core, gut feelings 180 if you explain why contacting this other woman is fine and she isn't allowed to feel like she feels?
Are you trying to explain it isn't sexual? So what. That isn't always the full scope of feelings. It is still time and attention to another woman....not having sex isn't always a magic bullet to allow anything. Spending too much time, attention or energy on another opposite sex person can still cause problems and discomfort and jealousy.
She's told you how she feels. She doesn't like you giving attention to this other woman.

It's up to you.


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## Jo.OrNot? (Nov 14, 2018)

hinterdir said:


> So, do you want a happy marriage or some super online pal relationship with some cousin?
> What is your priority?
> She has flat out told you this bothers her.
> Are you expecting her to just have a drastic, core, gut feelings 180 if you explain why contacting this other woman is fine and she isn't allowed to feel like she feels?
> ...


I've stopped already. Just wanted to hear other's opinions on it since I don't have many other people I can talk to.


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## Jo.OrNot? (Nov 14, 2018)

Don't have anyone else to talk to...


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Jo_OrNot? said:


> I've stopped already. Just wanted to hear other's opinions on it since I don't have many other people I can talk to.


I see. 
So, is everything smooth with your wife?
How did it go down, did you ghost this cousin or tell her you'll not be corresponding anymore or are you just sort of not sending her messages or replying to anything she posts?
Did she ever express exactly why it had changed after 15 years? Was she always against it but never said, was she fine and then it recently changed?
Did you start interacting with her a lot more frequently then you had ever done in the past?
Do you flirt with this other woman?

Anyway, it sounds like this is for the best.


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## Jo.OrNot? (Nov 14, 2018)

hinterdir said:


> I see.
> So, is everything smooth with your wife?
> How did it go down, did you ghost this cousin or tell her you'll not be corresponding anymore or are you just sort of not sending her messages or replying to anything she posts?
> Did she ever express exactly why it had changed after 15 years? Was she always against it but never said, was she fine and then it recently changed?
> ...


My wife had asked me to stop talking to her but didn't say why, so the next day after I received a funny meme from her cousin I replied with a smart-ass type of comment which was replied with a LOL . After my wife told me she was feeling jealous and suspicious of her cousin and I chatting and felt uncomfortable I just don't reply to the messages. I feel bad in not replying or explaining why I can't reply because that'll most Likely ruin their relationship. Most of our chatting was sarcastic towards each other or making fun of other people we knew. We would mainly chat during work hrs but since I opened an Instagram acct it got a bit more frequent with the dm's


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I might have missed it but is the cousin married?


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## Jo.OrNot? (Nov 14, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> I might have missed it but is the cousin married?


Not married


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Jo_OrNot? said:


> Don't have anyone else to talk to...


Maybe if you found some common interest your wife has and share those laughs and giggles with her you would have no need to share your time and emotions with her cousin. Definitely crossing a line.


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## Jo.OrNot? (Nov 14, 2018)

aine said:


> Maybe if you found some common interest your wife has and share those laughs and giggles with her you would have no need to share your time and emotions with her cousin. Definitely crossing a line.


I understand what you're saying, my wife and I share our common interests together in person. She can't reply or have text conversation while at work . So at home we catch up . I never ignored my wife to chat with her cousin. The only emotion I ever showed to her cousin was laughter


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jo_OrNot? said:


> My wife has now forbidden me from chatting with her cousin because it's disrespectful and I shouldn't be chatting with her because she doesn't like it and if I continue to chat it's because I want to be with her... I'm told to ignore the cousin now and I would be betraying her if I continued chatting... I've never hidden my conversations with the cousin


Jesus, she sounds like your mommy, "forbidding" you to talk to someone you've been talking to on and off for *15 years*.

If you actually allow her to DICTATE what you're "allowed" to do and what you're not "allowed" to do, then you'll be setting a very ugly precedent for yourself.

Your wife's foolish insecurity is HER issue to deal with, not yours to fix.



> *I've stopped already. *


Oh jeez, I see you already folded like a house of cards and you're actually ignoring this cousin for no reason at all. Sack up and stop acting like you're in high school, OP. You're a grown man for God's sakes.


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## Jo.OrNot? (Nov 14, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Jesus, she sounds like your mommy, "forbidding" you to talk to someone you've been talking to on and off for *15 years*.
> 
> If you actually allow her to DICTATE what you're "allowed" to do and what you're not "allowed" to do, then you'll be setting a very ugly precedent for yourself.
> 
> ...


I've made mistakes before that lead to her insecurity, I want to be respectful to my wife


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I think a quick note to the cousin would not be such a bad idea. She might be wondering if she did something wrong. Maybe just a "hey...work's getting crazy...need to lay off the messaging for a while" so she doesn't feel ghosted by a friend. Tell your wife you plan to do this though.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

OK let me make sure I understand what's happening.

Years ago, you were flirting with a female gamer, and your wife caught you, so you stopped. Somewhere before or after this time, your wife was chatting with male coworkers and you didn't like that and asked her to stop.

Also, for years you've been chatting on and off with your wife's single cousin about nothing serious - jokes, memes, etc.

This texting has increased recently and your wife has asked you to stop. You have stopped now, and are wondering if you did the right thing, or what you should do next.

Do I have it?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'd feel kind of sleazy chatting up my cousin's husband, even if nothing was going on.

I happen to like the husband of one of my cousins.....not romantically, but he's an interesting guy to know.

But I'd never chat him up without my cousin's involvement.


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## Jo.OrNot? (Nov 14, 2018)

Marduk said:


> OK let me make sure I understand what's happening.
> 
> Years ago, you were flirting with a female gamer, and your wife caught you, so you stopped. Somewhere before or after this time, your wife was chatting with male coworkers and you didn't like that and asked her to stop.
> 
> ...


Pretty close, I never asked her to stop chatting with her male Co-workers, I just tried to not let it bother me. And would listen to what she would say about her work conversations. I'm pretty much asking for opinions on the situation and how things have gone down.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Jo_OrNot? said:


> Pretty close, I never asked her to stop chatting with her male Co-workers, I just tried to not let it bother me. And would listen to what she would say about her work conversations. I'm pretty much asking for opinions on the situation and how things have gone down.


OK.

Have you asked her what you could do to make her more comfortable with this or if things like this come up in the future? Do you actually know what she's looking for - all the way from never talking to a woman ever again to her having your passwords and a commitment not to hide your conversations. Or it's a concern with this particular person.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Jo_OrNot? said:


> I understand what you're saying, my wife and I share our common interests together in person. She can't reply or have text conversation while at work . So at home we catch up . I never ignored my wife to chat with her cousin. The only emotion I ever showed to her cousin was laughter





Jo_OrNot? said:


> I've made mistakes before that lead to her insecurity, I want to be respectful to my wife





She'sStillGotIt said:


> Jesus, she sounds like your mommy, "forbidding" you to talk to someone you've been talking to on and off for *15 years*.
> 
> If you actually allow her to DICTATE what you're "allowed" to do and what you're not "allowed" to do, then you'll be setting a very ugly precedent for yourself.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't say this is good advice.
This is kind of this "I have the right to do anything I want" attitude and it kind of screams self, selfishness and singleness. 
This is the attitude to have when you are single. 
Unless one spouse is super controlling and tries to oversee every relationship and stop you from doing anything or hardly leaving the house then I see no reason to go all super "I can do anything I want" 

Marriages with this attitude tend to run into problems when both parties are always putting the "me", and "I get to do anything I feel like and don't you dare tell me not to" are apt to be too selfish to succeed long term.
When married the things you do can affect your spouse and possibly hurt the marriage. When a spouse honestly shares their upset feelings over something you are doing and you know 100% it is bothering or hurting your spouse and the response is..."I wanna do it, too bad if you don't like it" you are setting the marriage up for failure. It isn't just him and it isn't just her.....there is the marriage and intimacy and the marriage bond itself to take into account. Each should be willing to give up some of their individual, selfish wants at times to not hurt the marriage or their spouse. 

If a lot of time, attention and interaction with another woman is bothering his wife I'd say it is wise to listen and take her feelings into account. Unless she has shown a long overbearing and controlling aspect of everything he does I would say it is very healthy for the intimacy of their marriage to not push "freedom" and "rights" by continuing to push the relationship and interaction with another woman. 

Does the word "forbid" bother you?
We can forbid things easily. 
You go and do X and I won't be here when you get back. We are all free to still go and do whatever "X" is but it may cost the marriage. 
Forbid is not a taboo word. 
We are all free to leave and be single and to do anything we want. If we want to be married then sometimes there are some things that it is best to stay away from. 

"I don't care how you feel", "that is YOUR problem, you deal with it", "I'll hang out as much as I want with any opposite sex person I want whether you like it or not" probably isn't going to work out to well in the long run. 
If that is really how a person is and feels about things that bother their mate then it would probably just be better off it that person was single. Then they are as free as they want and do not have to take anyone else's feelings into consideration on anything they do.


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## Jo.OrNot? (Nov 14, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'd feel kind of sleazy chatting up my cousin's husband, even if nothing was going on.
> 
> I happen to like the husband of one of my cousins.....not romantically, but he's an interesting guy to know.
> 
> But I'd never chat him up without my cousin's involvement.


I met her cousin almost immediately after I started dating my wife so we've all known each other for the same length of time


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Jo_OrNot? said:


> I met her cousin almost immediately after I started dating my wife so we've all known each other for the same length of time


So?

That means you shouldn't need to have boundaries that make your wife comfortable?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Listen to your wife If you value your marriage. This cousin isn’t worth hurting your marriage.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

hinterdir said:


> I wouldn't say this is good advice.
> This is kind of this "I have the right to do anything I want" attitude and it kind of screams self, selfishness and singleness.
> This is the attitude to have when you are single.
> Unless one spouse is super controlling and tries to oversee every relationship and stop you from doing anything or hardly leaving the house then I see no reason to go all super "I can do anything I want"
> ...


Absolutely excellent advice.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jo_OrNot? said:


> I've made mistakes before that lead to her insecurity, I want to be respectful to my wife


There's a HUGE difference between allowing someone to dictate what you do, and being _'respectful' _toward someone.

If it makes you feel better to think that you're being "respectful" by allowing her to dictate who you can talk to, then if that makes you feel better that's all that matters.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If maintaining the relationship with her cousin is the hill he wants to die on, then his wife is right to be uncomfortable. The same for any other woman he might want to chat up.

I suggest the OP develop a few same-sex friendships.


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

Being respectful of your wife was the right thing to do...

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I had a cousin that was a 2 yrs older and 2 girls i was dating took up with him right off. One i had just taken to prom got knocked up by him. So this cousin might be that one that the boys were more interrested in or may have taken a past boyfriend from her. Ie. There may be bad history between your wife and her cousin. When my beloved wife of 23 yrs met him said he is an obnoxious pig that is full of himself. Finally!


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