# Mother In Law planning to move in with us...Help



## ayala605

Hi
My husband and I just got married this past summer and then we had to part since i'm a student. We're not even on the same continent right now. 

Once my schooling is done we plan to move into an apartment together and finally start our life.

Here's the problem...he wants his mother to live with us..he's currently living with his mom and he takes care of everything as his dad passed away a few years ago.

I want us to live on our own especially in the beginning and then maybe a couple years later she can move in with us. Is this being super selfish? I met my husband a year before we got married but we didnt live together at all until after we got married...which was for about 2 months and then I left for school. 

I don't have a problem with his mom...its just that I really want us to be on our own in the beginning and maybe his mom can come into the picture after. What do you guys think? Am i a terrible person?? I feel kinda bad at the same time but I also want to live on my own with my husband. 

He thinks this is a huge compromise for his mom. But what about what I want??


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## F-102

Nothing will wreck a young marriage like an live-in in-law. By any chance, are you from an Asian culture?


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## lime

You're not being selfish! It's perfectly understandable to want some time to live together without his mother. I think a good compromise would be to have her live near you--in the same apartment complex, down the street, etc. so that he can still help out but she won't be in your house the whole time.

Personally I would NEVER, ever, ever, EVER want to have in-laws OR my own parents live with me when I'm married. But I get that it's different for different cultures and for different families. I would suggest finding at least some form of compromise, because if he doesn't compromise at all then he is clearly putting his mom above you and that's not a real marriage.


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## Chris Taylor

I lived with my in-laws the first six months of my marriage... HORRIBLE. They were great people but it just did not work out. No privacy, not in control (neither my or my wife). 

Ended up living with them years later and it was fine.

I would strongly suggest that mom find other living arrangements.


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## 4sure

No you aren't a terrible person, but why didn't you and husband discuss this before marriage? You needed to come to an agreement before marrying. This could turn into a big problem in the marriage.

How does mom feel, it may turn out she's ready for him to move on.


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## quirky_girl

I had a brother in-law, sister in-law and niece live with my husband and I for the first 4.5 years of our 5 year marriage. It was awful for me. I was shut up in my room most of the time and worked evenings to avoid them. They always had a sob story and my husband thought they needed him and could never say no. My relationship with my husband's brother and sister (esp the sister) is totally ruined because of them living with us. If I had not kicked them out, my H would have had them living with us forever. So put your foot down early and say that you will never be comfortable with MIL living with you guys bc you value your privacy and want to foster a good relationship with her, and you feel you might start resenting her for impeding your privacy if she lives with you. Another poster had a good idea of having her live just close nearby. That way he can keep an eye on her if its health issues he's worried about. OR maybe hire a professional to look after her. That would be much healthier for her, having someone who knows what to do medically. It will cost you guys $ but trust me, its $ well spent! Both for her health and your privacy!


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