# Does your heart ever heal?



## Tullip (Apr 21, 2011)

Hi,
After reading and identifying with so many stories on this post, I finally decided to join. 
About 2 yrs ago(09) my husband cheated on me. We were seperated for 1 yr and about 1yr ago in June ('10) we decided to try reconcilitaion. We started marriage counselling and we were both in individual therapy as well. After working really hard on no longer resenting him or being angry, in August 2010 he moved back home (we have a small child). In Dec our wedding bands went back on and In Jan we stopped counselling. Things have been fine, we communicate a LOT better than we ever did, we plan "date nights" every 3 weeks and he will do anything to make me happy. When we argue I never throw his affair in his face. As I made that promise to myself if I was going to take him back. 
All & alll things are fine and we are working hard to make our marriage work. But I still fall asleep at night feeling like there is a hole is my heart and the ghost of "the other woman" still haunts me. It truly saddens me that I still have this wound and worried that it may never go away. Will I ever be able to love him with all my heart? My biggest fear is that I will never be able to truly forgive him.....and if I cannot, how can I stayed married. 
I have worked so hard to get where Iam today, and I'm proud of the hurdles I got through, but I'm not sure it's over??

Has it been years for any of you folks where you still have the "ghost" lingering around?
Sorry I went on too long :sleeping:! Thanks for reading :smthumbup:


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## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

I'm heading to year 7, and yes it still hurts.

I wonder for me though if it was because my wife buried her head in the sand up until January this year, so I guess there was no way for me to move on before that. We're probably only now starting to move forward after all this time.

It's not my mind that I see my 'ghost' - he still lives next door! 

I hope now my wife has realised that she has to face her issue's, and I think she is finally doing this. She is speaking to a councellor and I know from discussions with her that she is really being made to work on the issues. I can't write much more just yet incase she finds her way here and reads it, but I have reason to have more confidence in her now.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

u should be on "relationships & spirituality" section here at TAM. 

u'll get better answers there i think.

but yes........in time u'll forgive, or will go "nutz" yerself if u dont. "nutz" can manifest itself in many ways. like bitterness,
promiscuity (yerself), lesbianism, etc.

what a poor existence. depression and accompaning thoughts,
problems ensue.

if u fall in love with Jesus, u'll speed up the forgiveness process
for yerself as well as open u to living life more abundantly.

try Him. u'll like/love Him. u'll see. :smthumbup:


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

to hungup:

wow man, u tolerated denial for 7yrs?

whew........!


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## Tullip (Apr 21, 2011)

Thanks for your response. 7 yrs....I can not imagine that 7yrs from now my heart is not mended. 

Well, as far as my ghost, she too lives nears by and always a chance I can run into her ( which I have) does not make it easier!!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I'm very happy that you and your husband have been able to work on your marriage but from someone who has been where are, do not ever let your guard down. My H and I also separated due to his cheating back in 2003. We were separated for 2 years when he came crying back. I took him back, gave him another chance. We went to MC and for the next 5 years, I thought we had a good marriage. But now he is wanting to divorce me so he can be with anoter woman. He's confessed to having sex with 2 different women within the past 6 months. One was "just sex" the other he wants to be in a relationship with. All this after he promised to never hurt me again. I'm not saying your H will do what mine did but never let your guard down. Give him some breathing room yes, you do not want to suffocate him, especially when he is showing his commitment to you but don't make my mistake and give him back complete trust. Keep your "ghosts" present. I hid my ghosts. Out of sight, out of mind right? Your ghosts are not there to haunt you (pardon the bad pun) but rather for you to learn from. I wish I would have learned from my ghosts. Then I wouldn't be where I am now. When my H and I were legally separated from 2003 to 2005, in 2005, a few months before H and I got back together, I had met a fine looking police officer. I could have dated him but went back to my H instead. Ugh! I should have gone for the hot cop!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I want to know from you guys who have stuck it out: do you wish you would have ended it if the pain never goes away and trust is never 100% again or are you happy you worked it out?


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## Tullip (Apr 21, 2011)

Great question Jellybeans! Of course I'm scared that he might cheat again, even though he promised me he would leave if he was unhappy rather than cheat again. I dont know how long I could wait it out for this pain to go away, in fear that it may never.


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## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

cb45 said:


> to hungup:
> 
> wow man, u tolerated denial for 7yrs?
> 
> whew........!


Almost 7 

Once bit, twice shy was my motto and I was getting sex regularly so why look elsewhere - better the devil you know... 

I guess I must somehow still love her aswell, although I haven't said so to her for 3 years now, but a little spark is starting to come back again now - I hope to be able to post more in time!


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## Tullip (Apr 21, 2011)

Hung-up....Interesting that you brought up saying "I love you" those are words we have yet exchanged to one another.But I guess we both have our reasons for not saying it.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Yes, someday


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## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I want to know from you guys who have stuck it out: do you wish you would have ended it if the pain never goes away and trust is never 100% again or are you happy you worked it out?


It depends on the day...

It hasn't all been bad for me, and I have gained two beautiful children from our marriage (the screwed up story is in another post). I'm feeling a refreshed pain just now as I am really pushing my wife for her to recognise her actions just now - in a moving forward way rather than finding the past. I feel she needs to understand herself before we have a chance together (as previously said, I'm afraid to write too much incase she stumbles here - she will know everything later but I don't want anything wrote here influencing her just now).

I'll say no, I do not wish to have ended it. As I really have no desire to 'jump out of the frying pan into the fire' (meaning to find anyone else) then I don't feel I've wasted time. If it did all go sour later then I imagine myself to stay away from relationships in the future - it's MUCH cheaper to go PAYG with regards to women (no I've never done this before) . Also at least with PAYG you know the 'emotion' you get in return is for real!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What is PAYG?


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## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> What is PAYG?


Twisted humour - Pay As You Go


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh. LOL. I thought it was something about paying but who knows with all these acronyms nowadays


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## Tullip (Apr 21, 2011)

Luckily I did have a great therapist to get me through the roughest times. I think the rest is up to me and time. 

For the rest of my life...ugh, I hope by the time I am 50 (i'm37 now) this won't still be haunting me...


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

RWB said:


> Heal?
> 
> More like a really bad break. If you get a good Doc, it can mend, but it will still hurt now and then for the rest of your life.



Well said. That describes the way I feel about it, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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