# I don't know what i want, i don't think i'm being unfaithful



## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Well i have known my husband 10 years we have only been married the last couple of years, i'm from the uk, he is from the states.

I married under pressure because he said he wanted to be able to get into the uk, he has been seriously ill and because we have 2 very young children. But he never stays.

Twice he has left me to get on with being pregnant alone and coping alone, he says he has never been unfaithful, but ends up going back to the states.

He has treated me very badly in the past, he is possessive, violent around me and is now under anger management counselor, because he says he has always felt insecure with me.

His behavior has left me not feeling any love for him, i had a 3 year stint where i didn't sleep with him and now another 2 year one. He has been making no effort to make himself attractive and certainly not attentive, he did have some sort of serious friendship with a woman 10 years his senior. I never questioned it though i didn't care.

I wouldn't even talk to him on the phone, but just recently i searched out another man i knew a long time ago and we were having an online relationship which was very sexual (pics/vids), my husband sort of found out and pressured me into phone sex with him and wanted more pics/vids of me, i did do this also.

I finished with the online guy, but another guy is chasing me and i'm find it very difficult to resist.

My husband says he loves me i've told him i don't love him, so not sure where to go from this, i just want to have fun, i don't care if he is hurt.

To me at present its just sex, i don't want a relationship.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Abusive, never around when he should be, you don't love him, you enjoy the attention from other men. Sounds like it's over to me.

File for divorce, get yourself and the kids in a place of your own, and give yourself a lengthy break emotionally (online sex too) until you can think clear. Your kids have to be your priority right now.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You're cheating on him - no question about it. But then you say that you don't care if he's hurt. So what's your question? What are you seeking advice about? 

If you don't love him and don't care if he's hurt at least have enough respect for him and yourself to divorce him and move on. Cheating is never a good idea and it will leave a scar on you regardless of how bad your marriage may be, take it from another cheater.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

cloudwithleggs said:


> recently i searched out another man i knew a long time ago and we were having an online relationship which was very sexual (pics/vids),


Nope, sounds like your being faithful to me.



cloudwithleggs said:


> i just want to have fun, i don't want a relationship.


Nope, doesn't sound like you know what you want.

Why are you here? Are you looking for confirmation that your justifications for being a cheating wife are legit? 

Im going to assume you will say you don't care what anyone thinks. 

Your angry and feel justified, do you want someone to talk you of the ledge? doesn't sound like it. Just jump. The ground down there isn't tooo hard. 

Sounds like you have a pretty good list of justifications now but if your searching for more of them when that little twang of guilt pops up again... Here's a few more... 

I took the time to Bold out the ones you already used, last thing you want is to be predicatable or sound like a broken record.. skip those.

FOGGY TALK HANDBOOK

*•Our marriage was over long before I cheated.
•We're not like we used to be.
•I don't love you anymore.
•We've never been right for each other.*•I feel trapped.
•I never wanted to get married.
*•I don't want to live like this.*
•I love you like a sister/brother.
•I wanted to shake up our marriage and make it better.
•You deserve better.
•I thought you didn't love me anymore.
*•You left me before I left you.*
•I was never in love with you.
•Our marriage was boring.
•I need to have sex with others. I can't go the rest of my life sleeping with just you.
•The sex is incredible. It was never that good with you.
*•It doesn't mean anything.*
•It just happened.
•He/She has an unhappy marriage, and I was filling an emotional void in his/her life.
•We were just friends.
•I was curious what sex with someone else would be like.

ALL YOUR FAULT FOGGY TALK

•I've told you for years why I was unhappy, but you decided to not do anything about it.
•You work too much.
•I thought you would change.
•You don't listen to me.
•You aren't good in bed.
*•You don't give me any attention.
•I'm tired of having to do everything around here.*
•You don't need me anymore.
*•You put on too much weight/look different.*
*•You pressured me too much for sex so it wasn't fun with you anymore.*
*•You were never really there for me when I needed you.*

ALL MY FAULT FOGGY TALK

•It has nothing to do with you.
•It's not you, it's me.
*•I'm unhappy.
•I need some space.*
•I really don't know what I want to do with my life.
•I never cheated before but something just snapped.
•I want to stand on my own two feet.
•I have issues.
•I don't why why I did it. It wasn't planned.
•I didn't expect to get caught.
•I'm having a mid-life crisis.
*•I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for years.*
•I never meant to hurt you.
•It's in my nature to cheat.
•It's an addiction. 
*•I can't help myself.*

Sorry if I missed a few, I threw up in my mouth a little trying to re-read your spew, Had to go to rinse my mouth out.


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

Did you stand at the alter and promise to him, before family, friends, God and country that you would forsake all others?

Just get on with divorcing him. You don't love him and you don't care about him. Make it official.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

cloudwithleggs said:


> I wouldn't even talk to him on the phone, but just recently i searched out another man i knew a long time ago and *we were having an online relationship which was very sexual (pics/vids), *my husband sort of found out and pressured me into phone sex with him and wanted more pics/vids of me, i did do this also.


You cheated. 

If you can't see that, you have *much* bigger problems than you think.

And if you are carrying on with a new guy that you "can't resist," then yep--you're still cheating!



cloudwithleggs said:


> He has treated me very badly in the past, he is possessive, violent around me and is now under anger management counselor, because he says he has always felt insecure with me.


Could it be your husband feels insecure because you are cheating on him?? Yes? Yes? Bueller?

With that said, your marriage does not sound good. Years without sex does not a marriage make, IMO. 

And: Violence is always a _HELL NO, RUN to the NEAREST EXIT_ in my book. I have a zero tolerance policy for any sort of violence. 

Stop cheating. Get a divorce.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Yes, you are unfaithful.

Yes, you should get a divorce.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Sorry if I missed a few, I threw up in my mouth a little trying to re-read your spew, Had to go to rinse my mouth out.


you really do need to swallow :smthumbup: 

And thanks for the replies, i am confused because of how he is being now, and he is trying to change things. He knows i do not love him but he is willing to do what ever it takes he says, i have told him about this other guy, but he hasn't changed his mind set.

he will be back out at christmas.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

cloudwithleggs said:


> you really do need to swallow :smthumbup:
> 
> And thanks for the replies, i am confused because of how he is being now, and he is trying to change things. He knows i do not love him but he is willing to do what ever it takes he says, i have told him about this other guy, but he hasn't changed his mind set.
> 
> he will be back out at christmas.


This doesn't sound like a marriage to me. He is gone most of the time, living in another country;and You have gone years without sexual relations?. I think that he hasn't been celibate either. I wonder why he wants now what he gave very little evidence of wanting in the past. Is it you he wants, or just a place to flop when he's in the UK? Your "marriage" is most likely over, but you do owe each other the truth about what you really want and how you feel about the relationship.If you don't sort through all that stuff, you are more likely to repeat the same mistakes in the future. Going to a therapist together to try to understand this better is not a commitment to remain in the marriage, but it will help you end the marriage on better terms it that is what you want.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Nope, sounds like your being faithful to me.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Pit...this is brilliant. Simply brilliant.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> You're cheating on him - no question about it. But then you say that you don't care if he's hurt. So what's your question? What are you seeking advice about?
> 
> If you don't love him and don't care if he's hurt at least have enough respect for him and yourself to divorce him and move on. Cheating is never a good idea and it will leave a scar on you regardless of how bad your marriage may be, take it from another cheater.


You don't love him.
You don't sleep with him
He has_ always been emotionally _ abusive.

Stop the affair. Just stop it. It will hurt you!
Wait for fog to clear, 
Divorce him and let him and you go and find love.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Looks like foggy talk alright, with the BH properly demonized. cloudwithleggs, just divorce already so the both of you can get on with your lives. I'm sure your OM is Mr Wonderful compared to your husband who is such a monster as you've described.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

every one is so quick to say divorce , my husband doesn't think I have been unfaithful , no I don't feel love but it could be rekindled , he is making efforts as in seeing a counsellor , had the snip so we don't have to worry over pregnancy again.
_______
the one good thing apart from our babies together , is when we do sleep together it is always great , there is freedom there I don't think I want to share with another man , yes I have been resentful but I think that is normal behaviour , I think he deserves a chance but on my terms.

so don't be so quick to say divorce.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

I have an inkling that cloudwithleggs isn't the only woman in her husbands life. he may even have one stateside.

bet me, i dare you. 

the reason why I say this, is I once dealt with an older gentleman in another state (on the west coast of US) who ran a vacuum dealership. He bragged about having two wives - one in Philippines, one in the US and he took off at various times to go be with the other.

This maybe the reason why CWL's husband isn't too upset with her "dalliances". 

I mean, who's gonna check marriage licenses in another country when you marry out of country. 

Maybe its my little conspiracy mind at work.... who knows?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Im confused cloud as you say you have a sexless marriage here but have good things to say in the sex forum like how you always have simultaneous orgasms


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cloud--do you want to be with your husband or not?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So you come in asking for advice, but you don't like the advice, so you tell people not to give it... What exactly are you looking for then? Or is there something that you'd like someone to offer for advice to make you happy?

My opinion... Fixing your marriage won't happen unless both of you are 100% on board, and even then it won't be for sure. I don't see that's the case here. So your options are to accept the way things are or to leave the marriage. And it doesn't sound like you're sacrificing much of a marriage. 

And yes, you were cheating. Even if your husband accepted/forgave/abused it after, you were still cheating. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Im confused cloud as you say you have a sexless marriage here but have good things to say in the sex forum like how you always have simultaneous orgasms



This post had me curious about her postings.

Sure is confusing. Looks like Cloud may want to broaden her sexual experiences. If so, she should get divorced first.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I almost think she is having a PA and is talking about her affair partner
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I almost think she is having a PA and is talking about her affair partner
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There you go! That explains the defensive responses to advice here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> I have an inkling that cloudwithleggs isn't the only woman in her husbands life. he may even have one stateside.
> 
> bet me, i dare you.
> 
> Maybe its my little conspiracy mind at work.... who knows?


hahaha you guys are funny and I do dare you.

why can't one man be devoted to one woman ?

his phone plan is $250 a month because he phones us alot and I can phone him any time day or night.

and I think the sex we do have is awsome so that is a good foundation.

why not allow him to prove himself he is not doing a bad job of it at present.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

cloudwithleggs said:


> you really do need to swallow :smthumbup:
> 
> And thanks for the replies, i am confused because of how he is being now, and he is trying to change things. He knows i do not love him but he is willing to do what ever it takes he says, i have told him about this other guy, but he hasn't changed his mind set.
> 
> he will be back out at christmas.


Get a divorce. You say that you don't love him, them why stay with him only to cheat on him over and over again.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Cloud--do you want to be with your husband or not?


I come back to this because i do not think i know, the other guy i knew before my husband and we were already good friends and more at the time, i left him. Only now to be drawn back together, he is single. My husband knows all about him because he searched him out and found out his info on his website.

There is some serious temptation going on in my head. He is poetic, artistic and so totally ****ing seductive. He is spoon feeding me sex. 

i am trying to convince myself my husband is making an effort.


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

Why are you here????? You should be on the divorce site.....You need to tell the man the truth....let him have the kids...as you are the cheating spouce and can not be trusted with the saftey of your children.....I wish I knew who he was I would tell him to read your post...Your children deserve better than this...why don't you put your narcassistic selfish attitude aside and take care of your children...having online sex with strange men...the man can find out where your live and come to your home if he is insane and kill you and your children...get a grip....Divorce send children to US and then put yourself in dangers way all you want.....


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## ScullyFan (Oct 23, 2011)

Yes, you are being unfaithful!!!!! Are you serious????? I don't know which kind of advice you think you will get here!!!! You clearly have no remorse for the pain you will cause your husband and the long term scars you will cause him!!! Please do the right thing and divorce him!!! Let him find a wife who will be faithful and honor him!!! You are fogged 100%!!!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You husband is wasting his time. You are just another selfish cheater who is playing with your husbands heart and hopes. Meanwhile you are putting your energy into another man.

Just remember, if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hurting_In_NC (Oct 18, 2011)

cloudwithleggs said:


> There is some serious temptation going on in my head. He is poetic, artistic and so totally ****ing seductive. He is spoon feeding me sex. QUOTE]
> 
> First of all, you have to realize you aren't being fair to your husband, or to yourself. Ever been infatuated with someone? Don't you always showcase your best qualities while the chase is on? Hide your faults? This guy chasing you is doing all of that and more! If you've told him your problems, he also now has a playbook to be everything you've told him your H isn't!
> 
> ...


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

hurting in nc thankyou for the reasonable reply.

my marriage has never been a real marriage , it has not even been consumated , I haven't slept with him for over 2 years and I am a very sexual person as he made no effort, I didn't even bother talking to him, he was to busy talking to this older woman that was just friends. who he already knew had intentions towards him over two years ago. that apparently is very frosty now.

I have kept myself to myself , as in no face book or chatrooms , I was on a tech forum as I lke building computers ,nick is a non sexual one. I didnt let them know I am female. if I do that it always seems to be a huge problem I mean if they know I am female.

the male predator I am aware of but
maybe I could be a female predator.

my so called husband only showed interest because of the other guy.

the other guy awoke sexual feelings within me , I find him desirable , attractive and don't forget I knew him very well before.

I still don't know what I want.

sorry this is posted from my mobile.

don't forget my husband left me seriously ill whilst pregnant with our child , I ended up seriously ill in hospital but he hasn't just done this once he has done it twice.

I think I have heard every excuse in the book for why he couldn't be here.

where was his love for us.

we are different ppl I workout he will emotionally eat we are the most odd couple.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

onthefence16 said:


> Why are you here????? You should be on the divorce site.....You need to tell the man the truth....let him have the kids...as you are the cheating spouce and can not be trusted with the saftey of your children.....I wish I knew who he was I would tell him to read your post...Your children deserve better than this...why don't you put your narcassistic selfish attitude aside and take care of your children...having online sex with strange men...the man can find out where your live and come to your home if he is insane and kill you and your children...get a grip....Divorce send children to US and then put yourself in dangers way all you want.....


You know i could take your words personally but i've been on the interweb far to long to. :rofl: i didn't quote your rant earlier because i was on my mobile, now on one of my rigs.  i would give you my husband email but as he already knows, what is the point.

I don't do deceit.

The guy has already told me where he lives, i know quite a bit about him, plus like i said i knew him before. needs a recipe for rabbit mmmm.

As for my husband he has been a convicted felon you know running drugs, could of got over 10 years, this of course was before i met him, then he is also bankrupt, he has always had trouble with money and doesn't have his own home but he is working as he is an engineer and living with family. He can't look after himself let alone look after our children. But i want him to have contact with our children, so really he needs to be in the uk, hence a divorce is out of the question and he refuses it anyway.

I on the other hand have my own home and no debts and quite comfortable. I don't drink or smoke and have never taken drugs, and no criminal history.

what judge do you think would want to give my babies to my husband, by the way i love judge judy.

Oh and if wanting to be desired is


> narcissistic


 then i must be also guilty of this. :moon: now you are lucky i didn't put my real ass because it has been known before. I do have rather a cute ass if i do say so myself but now i'm being shallow. :lol:


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Let's see if I got this right.

1. Your husband hasn't cared about you emotionally and sexually you for half of the time that you've been married to him. 

2. He has physically abused you and in the past has gotten arrested for some very serious crime(s).

3. Like you, has had an EA (emotional affair) with another woman.

4. Leaves you constantly to return to the US.

Could you please explain, what benefits are you getting out of this so called marriage of yours?:scratchhead:


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

he hasn't physically abused me, but has been violent around me because of anger issues, he has mentally abused me. I always blamed myself for his behaviour, what ever it was, i would write endlessly to him asking him to stop how he treated me, because i couldn't talk to him he would blow up in temper, he has always talked alot about what he wants, he never listened to my needs or wants, so i stopped talking altogether, till recently this other guy. Then he tells me he is in counselling for the past 8 months and has had the snip. As far i was concerned i was finished.

The woman that he has had a friendship has been years, even when he was here he would go out of his way to phone her, they even work together, he says she is more like a mother figure to him (she does look like his mother), but she would discuss sex with him asked him to move in, she apparently started discussing sex that she had with other men at work and apparently he didn't like it and they're not friends any more. Apparently it was now not appropriate. I was told men can't be friends with women though by him, so i couldn't ever talk to other men. By the way i don't care about the older woman, he said nothing happened, i think he led her on, he knew 2 years ago she was interested and he then continued the friendship, what does that make him.

so reading his thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/29820-do-emotional-verbal-abusers-change.html

He does use emotional guilt to keep me, he has just told me he has a cancer marker on his latest blood test. I feel bad.

he used guilt to get me to marry him, i didn't want to. he stood infront of me crying saying he couldn't get in the uk otherwise.

whilst i was pregnant with my baby i did talk to a counselor, the long of short of it she told me to get out and never look back.

i've only just recently found an interest in another man, i did finished it but i've open the door for him and he wants in, you know you can date without involving children, i would never introduce a man to my children till i felt confident it was going to be a long term relationship. This is what nanny's and childminders are for.

there is no benefit for me for this marriage, i ask myself should i give him yet another chance, i say yes for the children, i ask myself do i want to live him and the answer is no.

I am going to carry on with the other guy and have a ****ing good time, literally. If the husband walks then so be it i'll wave him off.

listens to the Omen by the prodigy.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

cloudwithleggs said:


> there is no benefit for me for this marriage, i ask myself should i give him yet another chance, i say yes for the children, i ask myself do i want to live him and the answer is no.
> 
> *I am going to carry on with the other guy and have a ****ing good time, literally. If the husband walks then so be it i'll wave him off.*


If you're not afraid of losing your husband, then why not simply go ahead and file for divorce?:scratchhead:


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

cloudwithleggs said:


> *my marriage has never been a real marriage , it has not even been consumated *, I haven't slept with him for over 2 years and I am a very sexual person as he made no effort, I didn't even bother talking to him, he was to busy talking to this older woman that was just friends. who he already knew had intentions towards him over two years ago. that apparently is very frosty now.



Really? Never consummated?

And you said you are a very sexual person in this thread and others.

Well, I think it's time to move on.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

aug said:


> Really? Never consummated?
> 
> And you said you are a very sexual person in this thread and others.


Maybe she used in vitro fertilization to get pregnant or she got pregnant by another man. And the 'sex' with her husband could have been oral sex since her husband has been unable to have sexual intercourse to 'consumate the marriage' - maybe due to ED.


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## ScullyFan (Oct 23, 2011)

Ok, if you think there's no way you can work through any of this issues with your husband and save your marriage, if on top of that you don't love him and don't care the pain infidelity will cause him, why not just divorce? What stops you from divorce? Infidelity is never ever the answer!!!! What you think you will accomplish with this other man????


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

morituri said:


> Maybe she used in vitro fertilization to get pregnant or she got pregnant by another man. And the 'sex' with her husband could have been oral sex since her husband has been unable to have sexual intercourse to 'consumate the marriage' - maybe due to ED.


 :lol:

now let me think i hadn't slept with him for 3 years, then he had cancer and was on chemo, told me he was infertile, got pregnant immediately, then got married, now that wasn't so difficult to understand now was it. :scratchhead: 

He needs to stay married to get in the uk to be with his children, or do you suggest that he shouldn't be a parent, i don't think that is for someone on a forum to say really.

*tips her black hat*


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

Almostrecovered said:


> Im confused cloud as you say you have a sexless marriage here but have good things to say in the sex forum like how you always have simultaneous orgasms


 i know, :iagree:, this nonsense is utter bullsquat.

that or......hey! arent you that transexual actor/tress from 
"the crying game"???

think i'm gonna puke "baaaaawwwwwwwwl" ! :scratchhead:


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

cloudwithleggs said:


> :lol:
> 
> now let me think i hadn't slept with him for 3 years, then he had cancer and was on chemo, told me he was infertile, got pregnant immediately, then got married, now that wasn't so difficult to understand now was it. :scratchhead:


Would have been nice if you had provided that piece of information at the very beginning of the thread. 

So both children were born before the two of you got married? If that is so then that would explain why you used the term 'never consummated'.



> He needs to stay married to get in the uk to be with his children, or do you suggest that he shouldn't be a parent, i don't think that is for someone on a forum to say really.
> 
> *tips her black hat*


I suggest nothing of the sort. You have not divorced him so that he can stay in the UK and be contact with his children. Has he applied for an *Indefinite Leave to Remain (ILR)*?


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Im confused cloud as you say you have a sexless marriage here but have good things to say in the sex forum like how you always have simultaneous orgasms





cb45 said:


> i know, :iagree:, this nonsense is utter bullsquat.
> 
> that or......hey! arent you that transexual actor/tress from
> "the crying game"???
> ...


We have teh hot sex and?


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