# Husband keeps secrets about affair



## BeanCounterWife (Mar 17, 2010)

I'm new here--hi all....decided to register because you seem like a great bunch and I needed some neutral opinions about my Husband.

Here's the story in a nutshell--I'd like some preliminary ideas before I throw all the details into this post. I promise to answer any questions, so ask away....

We met 10 years ago, online. He's younger, by 5 years. Before we actually met in person, but after he and I had decided (mutually) that we were very interested in each other, he had an affair with another person that he met online that was also a friend of mine.

Back then, he openly lied to me--invented a trip, told me he'd "miss" me while he was gone and gave me the exact day he'd be back. The day he came back, he told me all about the "trip" and how he had a nice time. I found out two weeks later (from my "friend") that he had actually visited with her and they had a hot and steamy affair for 2 weeks.

I confronted him and he confessed. He promised to never speak to her again. At this point, I can't say for sure that he apologized. At the time, I may have thought that it wasn't necessary, since we hadn't met and at the time,I just felt that the lying was a red flag.

We married in 2005.....and to be honest, although the idea that he had pulled such a sneaky trick didn't really bother me, I'd never completely forgotten about it. I always thought that after a few years of marriage, he'd open up about his motivations. Well, we've been married 5 years and NO SUCH LUCK.

When I ask my Husband if he ever missed that woman, he tells me he "doesn't know" what I'm talking about. He'll tell me about any other sexual encounters he had before he met me, but he won't even ADMIT that this affair happened with this woman. (She sent him gifts after the affair and some are in my spare bedroom, on a shelf--I only know that she bought them because she TOLD me she did back in 2001 and I put 2 and 2 together)......

I find this WEIRD. I'm not a jealous woman and at this point, just like back in 2001, I have nothing to be jealous about. I just want my Husband to stop keeping this weird secret. 

Can anyone here relate to this? Am I being unfair? Does my Husband have a reason for not talking about this at all?


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

So it happened before you met? Right?
I dunno..Im a big believer in leaving the past in the past. Unless there is some real connection to the present, maybe letting him leave it there is ok. Maybe he feels bad about lying and just cant be open.. I'd focus more on that than anything.. Making sure you guys communicate and share everything now....

Unless you have some real pressing issue thats current and relevant, let him leave it.

You knew all this when you married him... THAT was the time to insist..now? no. (my opinions of course)


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## BeanCounterWife (Mar 17, 2010)

It happened before we met in a physical sense, but we had been interacting online for some time before that. He had already said he loved me...we just hadn't actually met. I guess that's where the issue is--even though I married him (because the pro's outweighed the con's) I always wondered why he didn't just come clean about this back then.

Maybe subconsciously, I felt betrayed? I don't know.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

BeanCounterWife said:


> It happened before we met in a physical sense, but we had been interacting online for some time before that. He had already said he loved me...we just hadn't actually met. I guess that's where the issue is--even though I married him (because the pro's outweighed the con's) I always wondered why he didn't just come clean about this back then.
> 
> Maybe subconsciously, I felt betrayed? I don't know.


So tell him all that..JUST like that then leave it. If he comes back and gives you more great... if not ... what are you going to do... leave him? Be unhappy foreever? Dont like THOSE options.....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

BeanCounterWife said:


> I confronted him and he confessed. He promised to never speak to her again. At this point, I can't say for sure that he apologized. At the time, I may have thought that it wasn't necessary, since we hadn't met and at the time,I just felt that the lying was a red flag.


 I'm confused, He confessed then, but now is completely denying it happened? Is he aware that you are/were FRIENDS with this other woman and that she told you about these gifts on your/his shelf? 

This would probably bug me also. Not so much that it happened (Of coarse that red flag would have prevented alot from going ahead with marrying) but that he is NOW acting like it never happened. 

If you must bring it out into the open, I would just be very very open with him, let him know that you know this woman, you know about the gifts and that it bothers you more that he will NOT talk to you -than that is accually happened (before you met). 

Are you still in contact with this woman friend? Have you & her talked much about this- those 2 weeks? How in the world does she feel after giving herself to him, to see him go off and marry another !!?


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## BeanCounterWife (Mar 17, 2010)

> I'm confused, He confessed then, but now is completely denying it happened? Is he aware that you are/were FRIENDS with this other woman and that she told you about these gifts on your/his shelf?


Well, he denies it in a facitious manner. He'll say "I don't know what you're talking about" with a smile on his face. Do you understand? The understanding is that we both know what I'm talking about and he isn't discussing it.

Oh--yes, he knows I was friends with the woman, I think that's the problem! He didn't know that the woman and I were very good friends when he pulled this. I don't think getting caught red-handed was very enjoyable to him. Definitely caught him off-guard.



> Are you still in contact with this woman friend? Have you & her talked much about this- those 2 weeks? How in the world does she feel after giving herself to him, to see him go off and marry another !!?


She and I spoke afterwards. She told me some very intimate details about him that I didn't know....and I told her stuff SHE didn't know (ie: he was a virgin--she was his first---sigh)....Not sure how she felt about the fling--she admitted that she did it for the sex and nothing more.



> If you must bring it out into the open, I would just be very very open with him, let him know that you know this woman, you know about the gifts and that it bothers you more that he will NOT talk to you -than that is accually happened (before you met).


He knows I know her...he knows I know it happened because he confessed...he knows I know about the gifts....I've even asked why he bothers to keep the gifts, but he now denies that they're from her and says "shhhhhh" when I bring it up.

It bugs me.


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## BeanCounterWife (Mar 17, 2010)

> So tell him all that..JUST like that then leave it. If he comes back and gives you more great... if not ... what are you going to do... leave him? Be unhappy foreever? Dont like THOSE options.....


I wouldn't leave him over this, nor would I be unhappy forever--I'm not unhappy now...I'm befuddled. I just don't want secrets between us...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

We avoid that which gives us unpleasantness. He simply doesn't want to be in the hot seat. It's human nature. If that is the only thing he has ever done - and it WAS before you met, right? - I'd just accept that doing it was too much of a drive at the time to consider what he was doing, if it was his first. I assume he was relatively young then. Guys in their teens and 20s think about it something like every 15 seconds; it's way more of an issue for them. And usually has nothing to do with emotion - just the act.

If he's been a great husband aside from that, just accept it.


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## BeanCounterWife (Mar 17, 2010)

> If he's been a great husband aside from that, just accept it.


He is a great Husband and I do accept it, I guess I'm just afraid of his ability to keep this secret for so long....

Keep in mind, we hadn't met physically---but there was a strong emotional bond between us when it happened....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The best you can do is be or become everything that he would ever want in a wife so that he has no reason to ever look elsewhere. If he feels utterly safe with you, and wanting to please you, you may be able to bring it up in a way that shows him the underlying reason you need to hear the truth from him.

I agree that an ability to fabricate that big of a whopper is disturbing. Enough to make me check up on other things. Let him know that.


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## BeanCounterWife (Mar 17, 2010)

If I let him know that the whopper of a lie and the subsequent secret that he's keeping after nearly 10 years is something that makes me a bit nervous, he'll just say "I don't hear you".


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

the "I dont hear you" part is an issue, then. NOT necessarily what happened 10 years ago. He should care that it bothers you and even if he keeps the details to himself, he could explain what he was thinking and why he doesnt want to relive it.


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## BeanCounterWife (Mar 17, 2010)

Yes 63Vino...exactly--I guess that's what I didn't communicate very well..the issue isn't so much what happened, but how he deals with my questions NOW.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Which is why you need to discuss it. It is a window to his character. He probably lied as a child to avoid punishment and has never had to admit any failures. He doesn't understand that he can feel freer by admitting the truth than by hiding it. Show him!


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

turnera said:


> Which is why you need to discuss it. It is a window to his character. He probably lied as a child to avoid punishment and has never had to admit any failures. He doesn't understand that he can feel freer by admitting the truth than by hiding it. Show him!


AHMEN!!! 
or however you spell it! hahahahahaha 
It is true that whole truth setting you free, thingy. 
(still a believer of leaving the past in the past, but seems you may have a "current" issue to talk about)


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## BeanCounterWife (Mar 17, 2010)

SO, I emailed my Husband and told him that I feel paranoid and nervous that he's good at keeping secrets....I wasn't accusatory--I tried to use the "I feel" approach....he came back with:

what are you talking about? There are no secrets!
You know what happened, now you're just looking for juicy details. 

So, what do I say to that?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your response:
No, I don't want juicy details. I want to see my husband show some character and admit to my face that he cheated on me and has regrets for it. I want to see that my husband actually cares about my well-being enough to address my concerns instead of just protecting himself. And if you have no regrets, then have the decency to tell me so. I deserve better than to have you try to brush this off just so you don't have to admit what you've done. I'm not out to tear you apart for what happened; it's in the past. All I need right now is to know that I can trust my husband to protect me, and that starts with you admitting the truth.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

BeanCounterWife said:


> SO, I emailed my Husband and told him that I feel paranoid and nervous that he's good at keeping secrets....I wasn't accusatory--I tried to use the "I feel" approach....he came back with:
> 
> what are you talking about? There are no secrets!
> You know what happened, now you're just looking for juicy details.
> ...


My resonse to that..
"Babe, relax, I just am worried we're not on solid ground. I dont feel like YOU feel you can be open with me. I know lots of things about you and love you for all them the good the bad and yea... the ugly.. Come on.. im not accusing you of anything. I just want you to sit down and share some thoughts with me. Tell me what goes on in that sexy head.. It will make me feel better, then i'll put it to rest and we'll go fcuk or something. What do you say?" "Just address my concerns..they wont go away unless you do..."

Escalation path is turnera's post..(no disrespect but if it comes off as accusatory... he will clam up even more thinking she's looking to pick a fight or find soem dirt to prove he's a bad guy.. thats NOT the objective here)
right?


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## BeanCounterWife (Mar 17, 2010)

Turnera:

I changed your answer a bit and sent it. This is what I received back:

No juicy details, nothing you couldn't handle, nothing I want to talk about.
You know everything.

...and so it goes--this is how he's been dealing with it for 10 years. 

I JUST want to be able to ask him questions about his past without being shut out. What's the big flippin' deal?


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## BeanCounterWife (Mar 17, 2010)

> My resonse to that..
> "Babe, relax, I just am worried we're not on solid ground. I dont feel like YOU feel you can be open with me. I know lots of things about you and love you for all them the good the bad and yea... the ugly.. Come on.. im not accusing you of anything. I just want you to sit down and share some thoughts with me. Tell me what goes on in that sexy head.. It will make me feel better, then i'll put it to rest and we'll go fcuk or something. What do you say?" "Just address my concerns..they wont go away unless you do..."


Vino--I have tried your approach more than once....he reacts SO funny--he'll say "if you think we're going to fcuk now, you're out of your mind"......

It's like he wants to punish me for bringing it up!


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

BeanCounterWife said:


> Vino--I have tried your approach more than once....he reacts SO funny--he'll say "if you think we're going to fcuk now, you're out of your mind"......
> 
> It's like he wants to punish me for bringing it up!


well remember (although opinion) you're trying to walk a tightrope here.. the past is NOT important and he has the right to leave it there. You should only refere to what is relevant NOW. We came to a point where his inability to talk to you was the issue. So... Find more current issues to work with him on that... get him to feel comfortable telling you things and have you accept and love him regardless of the stuff that comes out... Someday then he may decide to tell you but stop making him go into the past....

again... total opinion... see my signature... its something i really believe in


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## BeanCounterWife (Mar 17, 2010)

I just like complete transparency in my relationships. I want to be able to ask questions and have him answer.....

I guess if I go any further with this, it will belong in the sexuality forum or something....


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