# platonic affair is still the elephant in the room



## oversensitiveguy (Apr 28, 2011)

This is my first post here..I've read some of the topics in this forum and many of the replies even seemed like they spoke to me. But we all have our problems and -even though I hate to admit this - I am desperate to make mine heard. 

I am a 32 years old guy, she's 29. and I remember the day we first met 12 years ago, It took me a very short while (in a manner of weeks) to come to the understanding that she's the one for me. For the past 12 years we had an intense relationship with ups and DOWNS. 

We had affairs. to be perfectly fair to myself, she had much more flings than me and my affairs were all one night stands. I remember all the anguish and shame that forced me to have affairs of my own. All along I was hoping that she would understand how I felt once I chose another girl over her. So I confessed right after each and every one. Anyway back to her..

During the first 6 months of our relationship she had sex with 3 different guys. Ironically, she really did love me during this time. (not only did she say so, but I know it) She had insanely contrived motives for these encounters. For example one of the guys was the brother of one of her ex's, her reason was revenge against this ex. 

She had all sorts of problems in her life, family, economic etc. And I became the main pillar of support for her: being there for her when she wants it and leaving her alone when she asks to (or just disappears). After a year, we decided to move out from our parent's houses. It was a disaster, she would get drunk and come home late with uncontrollable aggression towards me, throwing stuff at me or breaking down parts of the house. Before I knew it I was responding in kind, but also with my words. I think having a PhD in social sciences makes my words twice as hurtful... Then she had an emotional affair with one of my then-best friends. This lasted for about a year at the end of which she slept with him. I learned about it 4 months after all this was over. and I could finally interpret the guilty looks of my friend during this period. Ironically she had showed no such signs. After this confession, she did her best to reassure me that she still loved me but I could not recover so easily. As perceptive as we are to each other, she saw this. that's when I decided to have my affair, I thought it would bring some balance to my hurt ego. it didn't. The Following summer she had another physical affair. I forced her to confess it after trying to reach her for half a week. She told me he was pathetic immature, stupid bla bla. pretty much everything I needed to hear then. A few months ago, I realized not only that this is not what she thinks, but she's been in contact with him all this time (6 years). She told me this younger guy was more like a brother to her now, and I believed her. But these are just little details. 

So here comes my current problem:

At some point 5 years ago, she started an emotional affair with a guy we met on our vacation. By this time, I had asked her to marry me and she pointed out all the things about me that make me impossible. After she started working at the place this guy is working for, she wanted a break. I didn't know there was another in the picture so I gave it to her. It was more like dating, she would ask me out to go on events and come over my new house to talk about her work and life. And we kept having sex. 

After two months of this routine, we made plans to meet up at new year's eve and she even sent me a naughty postcard about it. She did not pick up her phone that night, or the next 3 days, when I finally reached her. she treated me unbelievably cold and told me I have no right to anything about her. I was genuinely pissed and did not call her again. This was a life shattering experience for me. I could not stand to be in the company of anyone friends with her. This included most of my friends and family also. I tried to start a new relationship but I was clearly not over her. After 4 months of zero contact we saw each other in my sister's birthday. I was devastated and I could see that she was too. We decided to try again. We simultaneously ended our rebound relationships and a long healing process began. In a way we were a much better functioning couple, our fights were civil and passion and intimacy was intact.

But this guy. he was still there. while we were apart, she had only once made a move for this guy but he had rejected her after flirting with her and badmouthing me for months. (a very dysfunctional and erratic person). they were "friends". she says she felt like somebody understood her. and after she came back to me, this sentiment did not change. Every time something about her life (usually not about me) rings alarm bells, she distances herself from me and follows her infatuation with this guy. She stalks his facebook page (being "friends"). And everytime he is somewhat active (new photos etc). she wants to separate from me. 

I can not even mention his name, she gets angry and stays angry for weeks. a year ago, I asked her to remove him from her friends list but she insisted this would elevate him to forbidden fruit status and make things worse. She told me she's trying to get over him for very long but things do not seem to me that way. We have great time sometimes, and my observation is that the longer she stays away from his pictures and comments etc, our relationship gets better. A dozen times she closed off her facebook account proudly telling me so, only to log in 2 days later. 

My only consolation is that she's not lying through her teeth like in the past, and this gives me power to go on. but I am hurt and this angers her, pushing her more towards him. I proposed to her once more last year to be rejected once again, but now I see it as an act out of desperation. 

What do you advise? She has always viewed me as an authoritarian person who tends to dictate her what to do. (daddy substitute?) This is not who I am, I am just her stable loving boyfriend tired of all this promiscuity and wants to settle. And I certainly think very highly of her despite her frequently expressed self hatred.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Run, do not pass GO, do not collect $200 dollars........you both have issues. You need to get yourself into IC, quit selling yourself short, you don't deserve this. Only going to get worse. It will hurt in the short term.....THINK ABOUT IT.....do you really believe that she is the women that your going to grow old with. You deserve more, get help, distrance yourself from her.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Yeah, this is kind of a mess. You both need to work on yourselves. I say, you need to worry about you, because that's all you can control. Go to IC, focus on YOU. Remind her of the man she fell in love with. Pick up the book "Divorce Busters" for some info on changing dynamics. She's not going to change until she sees the dynamic changing. This EA is more than an elephant in the room. EA's are just as damaging as PA's maybe even moreso especially in women. 

Are you sure this is the woman for you? I think if she sees you detaching and you open the cage door and give her the freedom to go and pursue whatever without proposing to her and making her feel smothered and ruled over. Not saying you do that, but that's how she feels. She needs to see you letting go.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Just get out. A relationship that starts out great will often devolve to a crisis. One that starts out as a train wreck has literally no chance.

Your choice is to move on now, or wait a few (or several) years, and then move on.

There are women out there that will not hurt you. Go find them.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

YOWCH! this whole situation is toxic and unhealthy! Why would you want to marry this woman? (i being in a toxic relationship myself need to follow my own advice lol) its easy to see things from the outside in hmmm?

I don't think either of you will be able to trust the other, and its just doomed to end. Why pay for a divorce a couple of years down the road? Cut your losses now and run like hell.. you will find someone who brings out the best in you and you will bring out the best in someone else.. time to move on. 

I wish you the best of luck!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Your not going to "fix" her. 

Actually, your not going to fix anyone until you fix yourself.

after you "fix" yourself, you still won't be able to "fix" her.

But, I don't think you will care as much.

BTW... I fixed your thread title for you



oversensitive guy said:


> *Toxic disfunction is still the elephant in the room*


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

She loves you?:scratchhead:


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## oversensitiveguy (Apr 28, 2011)

Thank you for all the replies.

I've watched her grow and mature despite all this toxicity. And knowing her flaws does not alienate me from her. And yes I know she loves me in her way, but she is terrified of some things. I do understand her sometimes and she does understand me. She may not be the best for me, or I might not be the best for her.

Today we made one the shortest conversations we had. She told me because of stress, pms etc etc. she's making 1 into 1000 and that I was getting that 1000 and multiplying again 1000 fold. So we shouldn't maybe talk about this. Even though I think it's still debatable whether I really exaggerate that much, she admitted she's making this person into something significant and that comes as a relief to me... at first.

But when I think about it: How do I then I justify and understand her need to keep that 1 knowing that it is bound to be 1000 anytime the conditions facilitate it? 

For the insight about bad starting relationships: I sticked with her an extra 10 years more than if I took the sensible advice you give. Even though sometimes I feel like I'm marred for life she has given me good moments and we really do click. I know some people could make me happier but maybe happiness is not all that I need. I like her intellect and I like her in bed. When I see her I see potential before actuality, because she has been given nothing but pain for the large part of her life and two dysfunctional families with mild abuse.. I am currently the most important person in her life and she has an unhealthy attachment to me too, so she fights back in her sabotaging ways. She feels dependent to me and she can not accept it.

While my own idea is that absolute independence is equal to lack of any relationship. So I want her to be able to accept some part of dependence as necessary and actually GOOD. So when she fails to perceive that she's independent she also thinks I am smothering her.

The moment I detach from her, she comes after me. In fact in my prolonged absense, I become the object of her platonic love. Maybe she's addicted to platonic affairs. Is there any such thing?


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