# Classic WAW



## Bronco19 (Aug 9, 2012)

New poster here, thank you all for posting your stories, they have been extremely helpful, knowing we are not alone, that so many others are facing very similar ordeals.

Very similar to many other stories, walk-away-wife decided she wanted to separate for the first time after 10 years of marriage and moved out two months ago. Just before the separation we argued nonstop about why she wouldn’t try at all to save this marriage, she went to two MC sessions, one with me, one on her own and she was done. Her explanation is “she is done” she doesn’t love me anymore, I feel like a friend not a husband, she’s not attracted to me as a spouse. No kids but I am still completely devastated. Classic Mr. Nice Guy, read the book and implementing changes. Also have implemented 180 degrees over the past two months, which as the name suggests, is exactly the opposite of what I want to do; I won’t repeat what everyone else has said but it is extremely difficult not to fight for your best friend and the love of your life. I still see the MC every week, she has been terrific.

All contact has been initiated by wife, including our first substantive talk in two months. She said she has not changed her mind, happy with her decision, happy with her life. I held true to 180, did not argue or grovel, even though it felt awful to hear, and responded that the separation was good to work on ourselves, which I’m doing through MC. The problem with 180 is that it is exactly what she wants, we are getting further and further removed and apart making it more difficult to have any chance to reconnect. She hasn’t asked for divorce but given how happy she is by herself asking for a divorce is the next step.

She wants off the mortgage but the only way to do that in our state is to file for divorce. So I need to decide if I have the stomach to take control of this situation and tell her we need to file for divorce to get her off the mortgage. Otherwise I just passively wait for her to ask me about how we get her off the mortgage, which puts her is control again.

She also just asked if I wanted to go to dinner with her for my birthday but I’m thinking to say no; I’m already sad enough about this whole situation, as much as I miss her and love her, I don’t need her sitting across from me on my birthday telling me she still has no feelings for me. Thoughts? Perspectives?


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Bronco19 said:


> New poster here, thank you all for posting your stories, they have been extremely helpful, knowing we are not alone, that so many others are facing very similar ordeals.
> 
> Very similar to many other stories, walk-away-wife decided she wanted to separate for the first time after 10 years of marriage and moved out two months ago. Just before the separation we argued nonstop about why she wouldn’t try at all to save this marriage, she went to two MC sessions, one with me, one on her own and she was done. Her explanation is “she is done” she doesn’t love me anymore, I feel like a friend not a husband, she’s not attracted to me as a spouse. No kids but I am still completely devastated. Classic Mr. Nice Guy, read the book and implementing changes. Also have implemented 180 degrees over the past two months, which as the name suggests, is exactly the opposite of what I want to do; I won’t repeat what everyone else has said but it is extremely difficult *not to fight for your best friend and the love of your life*. I still see the MC every week, she has been terrific.
> 
> ...


My perspective .. is listed above.


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## lonleyinlasvegas (Jul 3, 2012)

Bronco, sad to day, similar situation on my end. Get to a lawyer asap and find out what your options are to protect yourself. You did not deserve this, but now you have to deal with it. Sounds like she checked out a long time ago, was biding her time, but forget to tell you..


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

First of all, I"m sorry that you're having to join us on the Island of Misfit Spouses. If you've been reading everyone's stories, you know that yours follows the script pretty closely. 

Some will automatically say there is someone else. Do you see any signs of that? Someone at work? 

Perhaps it is a sort of mid-life crisis, and she's got the 'Grass is greener' syndrome. 

In either case, sad to say, you may need to just keep working on yourself (good for you for staying with the counseling!) and let her go until the fog passes. 

It is interesting that she does keep initiating contact with you, and that she asked about your birthday. It's always possible that she keeps telling you how happy she is in a sort of 'methinks thou dost protest too much' sort of way. 

The 180 is difficult when you still love your spouse. The natural instinct is to fight for something when you feel on the verge of losing it. If you feel you are strong enough inside yourself that you can see her on your birthday and leave discussions of your relationship out of it, it might be worth a shot to try it. But I would think the most important thing would be how you handle yourself. No indication to her of how much you love her or miss her. You must be cool but cordial. Nothing more. Show her that you are strong. 

And another thing in your post that struck me -- are you absolutely sure that a divorce will take your name off the mortgage? This is often a common misconception about divorce. It can order your name off the deed, but a court cannot order a bank to take someone's name off a loan. They would have the right to call the loan in for immediate payment in full. They granted the mortgage based on the financial information of both of you. In every state I know of, the only way to get one person's name off the mortgage is for the other person to buy the house from him/her. That is also done through a bank, and involves refinancing the loan based on one spouse's financial information. It is true that, in most cases, a divorce is necessary to allow the spouses to sever their ties on property such as a house. Otherwise, even if only one name was on the mortgage, the other non-owning spouse could be hit for unpaid payments, taxes, etc. Divorce would prevent _that_.


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## Bronco19 (Aug 9, 2012)

Thanks for the perspectives, MC agrees I need to stop worshing her, like everyone in her life. I have been working hard to develop personally, taking trips, seeing friends, getting closer to family, new hobbies. Legally squared away, know all the options, having a hard time not looking out for her interests.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Bronc,

Lots of people kiss her ass?


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Bronc,
> 
> Lots of people kiss her ass?


I bet the only people she bothers having around.

Are ones that kiss her ass.


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## Bronco19 (Aug 9, 2012)

MC thinks this is a life stages issue between us with a possibility of someone else. She is afraid of growing up, she even admitted she likes living like someone 10 years younger and needs to change but doesn't want her life to change. Mortgage company and lawyer said i could use assumption to qualify for a solo mortgage, which it looks like i will. No expert here just going by others advice.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Bronco19 said:


> MC thinks this is a life stages issue between us with a possibility of someone else. She is afraid of growing up, she even admitted she likes living like someone 10 years younger and needs to change but doesn't want her life to change. Mortgage company and lawyer said i could use assumption to qualify for a solo mortgage, which it looks like i will. No expert here just going by others advice.


I dunno exactly what the MC is trying to prove in what he is saying .. but ..

If your ex tells you she is enjoying playing teenager and living her own life, then you should be doing the same thing.

Give her what she wants.

Stop talking to her, completely.

Let her kick, scream, come at you with every BS thing she has.

But do not enable, and do not respond.


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## Bronco19 (Aug 9, 2012)

Yes, she surrounds herself with people who worship her, me included. I have to say when things were good for a while they were the best times of my life.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Bronco19 said:


> Yes, she surrounds herself with people who worship her, me included. *I have to say when things were good for a while they were the best times of my life.*


You mean the times you were completely caught up in what she wanted you to think.

Before you started growing a pair and realizing something just wasn't right.


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## Bronco19 (Aug 9, 2012)

Hard to hear but true.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Bronco19 said:


> Hard to hear but true.


Not trying to be hard on you.

But sometimes tough love is required to help break through the barrier you stand behind.


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## Bronco19 (Aug 9, 2012)

The barrier gets reinforced with all the great memories, i only want to focus on the positive times right now, that is changing with mc help. She is only focusing on the negative, which i don't understand. This is tough to admit but she actually said to me she could not remember a time we were happy together bs and crushing. I just can't fathom saying that to someone you spent the last 10 years of your life together, delusional.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Bronco19 said:


> The barrier gets reinforced with all the great memories, i only want to focus on the positive times right now, that is changing with mc help. She is only focusing on the negative, which i don't understand. This is tough to admit but she actually said to me she could not remember a time we were happy together bs and crushing. I just can't fathom saying that to someone you spent the last 10 years of your life together, delusional.


She is rewriting history. It's the only way she can keep going with what she is doing, and justify it.

The thing is Bronco. What she is doing, has nothing to do with you.

It's not your problem anymore, you are free.

You aren't focusing on the 'positives'.

You are evading the reality that it's over and sticking your head in the sand while she kicks you in the ass.


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## Bronco19 (Aug 9, 2012)

Still a lot of work to do on the Mr. Nice Guy reform.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Bronco19 said:


> Still a lot of work to do on the Mr. Nice Guy reform.


I never read it.

My break through moment was when I started to make my boundaries clear.

With a simple saying a friend would cram down my throat.

"I'm not okay with that."


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## Bronco19 (Aug 9, 2012)

Yeah, i get it, said not ok with her a lot last year when work was kicking my ass, she is not used to someone saying that to her bc in her words she always gets what she wants and takes anything else as not caring.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Boundaries are THE KEY. When i discovered that was when i could start to turn the ship around.

Bronco, your story makes me sick. i mean physically ill. it's like staring into the blender of my previous few months. there are fewer things less understandable than going from planning all your tomorrows with somebody and realizing that they aren't using your calendar anymore.

Something a best friend said to me that shook me to the core was, "maybe she's not the woman you think she is."

codependency is an EVIL mistress. you were married to an idea of a woman.

it gets better. until it does it feels like chewing on glass. you'll have plenty of friends here though, as many of us are fighting similar issues.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Bronco19 said:


> Yeah, i get it, said not ok with her a lot last year when work was kicking my ass, she is not used to someone saying that to her bc in *her words she always gets what she wants and takes anything else as not caring.*


And in your words you feel life shouldn't work like that.

So what's the issue here?


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## Bronco19 (Aug 9, 2012)

I think orpheus put it well, starting to realize the idea is not reality, doesn't make the glass any easier to chew.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Bronco19 said:


> I think orpheus put it well, starting to realize the idea is not reality, doesn't make the glass any easier to chew.


He didn't say it would be easy.

He said you would be chewing on glass until you got to the point where you take control and decide you don't want to chew on glass anymore.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

fwiw, it took me about a month from sobbing every day and wondering about my precious little jewel to today where i haven't returned her phone call for three days.

i'm still jacked but i'm continuing to work on self esteem and bricking up my codependency issues. and if you can hack it, the absolutely best thing to do is to go out and be with friends as much as possible. get out of your head and the poisonous wonderland of yesteryear.


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## Bronco19 (Aug 9, 2012)

Thanks to all of you for some much needed perspective.


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

Bronco-

There is only one path to take at this point and you are getting great advice.

She doesn't want to be with you. She's a quitter. She is thinking black and white "I've never been happy" "I was never truly in love" and on and on..

All typical WAW bullsh1t.

You need to mentally prepare to let her go and that includes excepting that she has probably been having at least an EA for months. Maybe PA as well.

The other thing to understand is that you guys are in two different places emotionally. She has been detaching for months/years. You are just starting a journey that she has been on for a long time.

Hope is your biggest enemy at this point. Put it to bed. To truly do it is one of the hardest things you will ever do. But you must.

You must prepare to move on mentally, physically and spiritually. Start thinking about how you will react when you go dark and she attempts to real you back in. You will most likely see a push pull dynamic of some kind and it will play tricks on your mind if you don't anticipate and learn how to recognize it. 

Research and learn about the drama triangle.

Take a deep dive into codependency and how to survive it. 

Remember.. "I'm not okay with that"

Read and follow Conrad's advice.

Read Mavash's posts for perspective on the other side of things.

Know that it's much easier to give advice and perspective on someone else story and situation as it is on our own. Almost everyone here struggles with the same things you will be trying to implement and everyone has setbacks. It's not if, but when. 

Unfortunately this rambling is just scratching the surface of the journey you have just begun. It's gut wrenching stuff and you will experience every emotion you never thought possible and the pain will repeat and repeat until you make changes. Real changes. You won't get it now, but you will soon. 

You were just dealt a joker from the bottom of the deck and it's up to you on how to play the hand. 

Recognize your faults, shortcomings and mistakes of the past and own them. Own them, forgive yourself and move on. Only then will the real healing begin.

You are not alone and although your situation is unique to you...many many parts and themes are the same that so many of us have and are still going through. So many of the concepts you will hear are simple to grasp but will seem impossible to master. Keep at it.

Chances are, this will end in divorce. Except it. But also understand the path to R and to you healing are the exact same. It's counter intuitive but true. The quickest way to get her back is to let her go and focus on you. The quickest way of healing yourself is to let her go and focus on you. Just remember that hope is your enemy. Give defiant people what they want. This is a wake up call and it's happening for a reason. Take advantage and start seeing it as a blessing. Start thinking about the positives. You may not see them now...ok you won't see them now but you will in time. 

Welcome aboard.


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## donkler (May 21, 2012)

Print this thread out a plaster it all over town.

I wish I read this 2 years ago, but even if I had I wouldn't have beleived a word, nobody new to this would.

The replies to OP are BANG ON THE BUTTON

Perfect in my case a "Nice guy" with a woman who surrounds herself with people who kiss her arse


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Just remember this.

Acknowledging that you have a nice guy problem is good.

Knowing you no longer want to treat yourself that way.

Is better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I will never understand why this is a 'thing'. Why people think they need some dramatic precipitating event to go their separate ways.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Orpheus said:


> Boundaries are THE KEY. When i discovered that was when i could start to turn the ship around.
> 
> Bronco, your story makes me sick. i mean physically ill. it's like staring into the blender of my previous few months. there are fewer things less understandable than going from planning all your tomorrows with somebody and realizing that they aren't using your calendar anymore.
> 
> ...


Orpheus, true statement. I had so much of my future tied up in plans with my wife, I wasn't paying close enough attention to how unhappy I was and the signs that she was unhappy. After I found out she was WAW, I said the same thing, "you're not the person I thought you were."

I was married to an idea of a woman that I'd romanticized from when we started dating.

I'm starting to chew the glass and kill hope now. It's gotten easier recently, but I gave so much to the relationship and if I'd had some boundaries in place, that would have helped both of us. Sad.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Bronco19 said:


> She wants off the mortgage but the only way to do that in our state is to file for divorce. So I need to decide if I have the stomach to take control of this situation and tell her we need to file for divorce to get her off the mortgage. Otherwise I just passively wait for her to ask me about how we get her off the mortgage, which puts her is control again.





angelpixie said:


> And another thing in your post that struck me -- are you absolutely sure that a divorce will take your name off the mortgage? This is often a common misconception about divorce. It can order your name off the deed, but a court cannot order a bank to take someone's name off a loan. They would have the right to call the loan in for immediate payment in full. They granted the mortgage based on the financial information of both of you. In every state I know of, the only way to get one person's name off the mortgage is for the other person to buy the house from him/her. That is also done through a bank, and involves refinancing the loan based on one spouse's financial information. It is true that, in most cases, a divorce is necessary to allow the spouses to sever their ties on property such as a house. Otherwise, even if only one name was on the mortgage, the other non-owning spouse could be hit for unpaid payments, taxes, etc. Divorce would prevent _that_.


To bring the thread back to a practical matter, for a moment...

Angelpixie's right on this... Finalizing the divorce has absolutely nothing to do with what actually happens to the house. It will not in of itself get her name off the mortgage and it will not remove her name from the deed, either.

It typically takes a quit-claim deed to get her name off the deed (which is more important for you to do than getting her off the mortgage, otherwise she still legally has a legal claim to the house, even after the divorce). Talk to your lawyer about it.

The most common way to remove her from the mortgage (which is more important to her, because she doesn't want to be responsible for the fallout if you stop making payments on a house she isn't living in) is for you to refinance the mortgage in you name only. Talk to your bank about it.

*Don't do either, though, until your settlement agreement is set in stone and you are absolutely certain what is going to happen to the house.*


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

I'm unclear why you haven't filed for divorce yet? Or have you? I didn't see anywhere in this that you had. 

You want her to really take notice, take real change and real action. She doesn't take this seriously b/c their isn't anything that's actually forcing her to. He give her notice she's gonna be cut loose and she'll figure that out. 

I can understand the mentaility of not wanting to lose her, but the fact is she is gone. It's a legal issue, not a feelings issue. She claims she isn't in love, so on and so forth. You got nothing to lose but time here. File and keeping working on you, the rest will fall into place.


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