# She doesnt see where im coming from



## oldblue (Jan 9, 2015)

My fiance and I have recently began arguing more than ever. and it seems to always be about something a family member (always my family) has done. she gets angry with me about something that I have no control over and there is that awkward silence for at the most a few days. I realise that as a future husband i have to be willing to put my wife first and i do. however when i think she is incorrect about something, she says im defending the person at fault. we spend most of our family time with her family and my family gets the occasional visit. I have a very close family and I feel that it is natural for them to want to spend time with US. If they get upset or get there feelings hurt because of that, and then maybe make a comment about never seeing us or have a little bit of an attitude, I understand why they are upset. My fiance however sees this as my parents not being able to let me go and be my own man with my own family. But I love my family and my parents and i want to live life and have them be a part of it. i dont want to see my family only for the big holidays and maybe a few other times a year. I am always eager to spend time with her family and just relax and hang out. but when it comes to my family its like there is a time limit. This is the main problem in the relationship and she tells me that I cannot communicate with her. I literally tell her what i have just told you. and still she does not see where im coming from. I dont want to have children and they only see my father a few times a year. or my mother a few times a year. I feel like she is super defensive and is unable to appologize for anything she does. everything is always my fault. Please give me some advise. I love this girl more than anything i just wish she could take a step back and put herself in my shoes.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My advice... Put the engagement on hold and let her know the reason why. Until she starts to take your concerns seriously, nothing will change.

C


----------



## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

How close do your parents live? How close do her parents live? 
Do your parents respect her? (take off your "son" glasses and put on your "objective observer" ones).


----------



## oldblue (Jan 9, 2015)

everyone lives within one hour of each other. I try to see things from her point of view and I agree that things have been said to her that would have been said to me in a different tone. I understand that my parents are at fault there. But at the same time I can see why they are upset. Im not in anyway saying that that makes what they have done acceptable. But when what is said is said I dont think that shutting people out is the correct response. I feel like for things to get better you have to communicate. I my opinion I would think that the problem could be solved by simply dividing time between families evenly. and a lot of the issue would be gone. If im wrong please tell me. Im intention is not to get people to tell me im right and she is wrong If there is something that I could be doing I need to know


----------



## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

If your parents are not as polite to her as you, how is her spending MORE time with them the answer? Who does that benefit?


----------



## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

If your parents don't treat her well then I can see why she doesn't want to be around them much. 

Maybe you should put the engagement on hold and talk to your parents about their behavior towards her.

I would ask how does she treat your parents?


----------



## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

oldblue said:


> If they get upset or get there feelings hurt because of that, and then maybe make a comment about never seeing us or have a little bit of an attitude, I understand why they are upset.


Is this the only type of comment they have made to her? Or are there other things that they have said?


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I wonder what your fiance would say about your family's treatment of her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

How old are you and your girlfriend? Are you living together and for how long?

It seems that your parents dislike her and she knows it. My mother-in-law was simply awful to me in my dating years. It did not get any better for me after we married. In fact, she escalated her hostility and my father-in-law of course took her side. You need to look at your parents closely. No woman will ever be good for them when it comes to you. They are the source of your problem. You will be very lonely if you keep up on this road.

I am married for ongoing 35 years and my husband chosed me over his parents. I kept a cordial and respectful relationship with my parents-in-law, but my husband made it clear to them that if they were not respectful to me during our visits, he would not be in a relationship with them. My husband realized that no woman will ever be good enough for them and he did not want to jeopardize his relationship with me. Your choice, your parents or your future wife.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Time between families needs to be evenly split. Your family needs to address any grievances with you since they are (wait for it) *your* family. 

You need to tell them this and tell them if they continue to make your fiance uncomfortable that they will be seeing even less of you.

Your fiance needs to be fair with splitting time between both families. Of course, she tends to gravitate toward her family - they aren't making catty remarks to her or you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> Time between families needs to be evenly split. Your family needs to address any grievances with you since they are (wait for it) *your* family.
> 
> You need to tell them this and tell them if they continue to make your fiance uncomfortable that they will be seeing even less of you.
> 
> Your fiance needs to be fair with splitting time between both families. Of course, she tends to gravitate toward her family - they aren't making catty remarks to her or you.


:iagree: 


Can you give us some examples of the things that members of your family have said to your fiancé... the actual words... not a paraphrase.

How has your fiancé acted towards your family prior to any one in your family saying things that upset her?


You know the dilemma of the chicken and the egg... which came first? 

Well in the problem with your wife and your family, which came first? Did your wife interfere with you seeing your family before your family said something negative to her? Which came first?


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Husband and I had the same issues but it wasn't merely because I wanted to spend time with my family instead of his. There might be something you are actually not understanding. If your siblings or one of your parents feels that they can tell you what to do or how to live your life and you do nothing to tell them to mind their business your wife is not going to like what she sees. She is going to see you letting your family interfere where they should not be. You might accept their ways but that doesn't mean she will or that she needs to.

My husband's family lacked alot of social skills.....his dad was very open about squeezing out farts in front of a room of people. FIL saw it as natural, his family was used to it and I felt it was rude. FIL also liked to crack jokes about his wedding night and how his wife cried because it was too big. This story was told with a room of family around and they accepted, I felt it showed a lack of respect for his wife and not a proper topic of conversation.

His mom and sister would butt in and try to direct husband and in the process said some not so nice things about me and my children (we are a step family), husband just accepted what they said without telling them that he would take care of his own business.

I felt like if I said anything to the family I would be in the wrong so I held my tongue for many years and dealt with the issues. One day I had too much and I blew up at his mom. Husband is stomping my foot under the table trying to get me to stop. Amazingly his sisters rallied around me and gave me the support, saying she is this way and always has been. His dad then said that this is what happens when you get two stubborn women together.

This is the stuff that creates problems with inlaws and eventually if not stopped visits might stop all together. I have nothing to do with my inlaws anymore. Husband never gave me the support I needed and I am assuming the same is probably happening in your own situation.


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Your fiance is insecure still because you are in a relatively early stage of your relationship. She wants to be assured that you will put her before them, which, frankly, you should do. Sometimes these things are more a matter of attitude than time spent. I've noticed we men tend to try to rationalize things in "objective" terms -- "well I only spend x days with my family a year, so what is she complaining about?" Whereas a woman may pick up more on how you act toward them and toward her. Sometimes simple gestures that show you put her first can mean a lot, without having to actually give up time with your family. In time she may also mellow a little about this issue, realizing that she is your priority.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

First issue you have is BALANCE. Talk to her about this. For every day you guys spend with her family you spend with yours. No ifs or buts. That's only fair.

Second issue you have is her blame game. No, it's absolutely ridicules for her to blame you for other people's wrongdoings. This needs to stop right away. If she has a problem with your family, tell her to take it up with them, but if you don't feel that it's a problem then she is on her own. 

What are the nature of the problems she is talking about? It CAN be that you are a bit blind about your family, while she sees the reality right in front her face and it's not so pretty. 

For example, it took my wife GOOD 10+ years to recognize exactly what kind of people her family is.....


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

oldblue said:


> everyone lives within one hour of each other. I try to see things from her point of view and *I agree that things have been said to her that would have been said to me in a different tone. I understand that my parents are at fault there. But at the same time I can see why they are upset.* Im not in anyway saying that that makes what they have done acceptable. But when what is said is said I dont think that shutting people out is the correct response. I feel like for things to get better you have to communicate. I my opinion I would think that the problem could be solved by simply dividing time between families evenly. and a lot of the issue would be gone. If im wrong please tell me. Im intention is not to get people to tell me im right and she is wrong If there is something that I could be doing I need to know


What have they said, specifically, and how did they say it? Have you ever told your parents NOT to say those things to her?

How do they treat her when she is at your family's place? How do they treat you while she is there?
What goes on while you two are visiting - what do you all do, specifically, when visiting your family?

How much of an imbalance is there, really, between how much time you spend with each other's families?

What would your wife need to happen in order for her to want to spend more time with your family? Does she need an apology for something? Would she prefer that your family come to your house instead of going to theirs? Have you tried any joint family get-togethers that include both yours and her parents?

Obviously, your family is just as important to you as hers is to her. Shutting them out is not a healthy long-term option. If your fiance is shutting them out now, it's going to be a long, unhappy marriage unless you can resolve this. 

If there is nothing that will help your fiance come to some sort of happy arrangement, then you might as well look for another fiance. It's true that you should put your marriage first, but if it means turning your back on a family that you love and care for, then the marriage is the problem, not the family.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You've indicated that you have told your F what you've told us and she just can't see it. So maybe you sit her down and explain that you want time with your family just like she wants time with hers. And, since she considers your family to be insulting or callous or unable to "let you go" or whatever then you will go visit your family when she goes to see hers. Explain to her that you would prefer to visit your families together, sharing time with each of them but that due to the exorbitant amount of time spent with her family, you feel that your time is being truncated and therefore propose this as an alternative.

This may also help her to realize the time imbalance as she sees she is spending an inordinate amount of time away from you with her parents. I would also mention to your parents that you are attempting to convince your wife that you and she need to balance family time more equitably for both parties. And that for them to feel slighted and to express that to your F with comments or attitude is counterproductive to your efforts.

I feel also that family is important and can be a source of strength, support, guidance and wisdom, so I understand your desire to keep both families involved as you move forward in raising your own family. Good luck to you.


----------



## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Can't advise until get more information on whether she's crazy / controlling or if your family is unreasonable. 

That said, you have to get this resolved one way or another. You will be caught in the middle your entire life ( well, actually, until you get a divorce) between her and your family. And if you push to have family engagement that she doesn't want, get ready for the "post-game replays" where she takes every action and every statement that she gleans from her visits with your side and uses them as rationale for criticizing and cutting down your family. As a result, even your time away from your family and with her alone will become poisoned as she takes that time to criticize your family for its faults while blindly thinking that her family walks on water.

I've been married 20+ years. My would-be bride displayed only a fraction of the anti-family symptoms that yours has. Today, I have far less time with my family than I would like, and time that I do spend with the extended family is compromised because of her sour attitude towards them. I try to work my way through it and ignore it as much as possible (she's sweet to them in person and then spends hours bashing them in talking about them post-visit). I can choose to defend them or agree with her. Either way, it leaves me feeling sad that interactions with my family come at such a price. 

In short, I am living your future if you don't take proactive steps to resolve this before walking down the aisle. If you don't consider this to be a deal-breaker issue, I would heartily urge you to think again. This is not a small problem, and you need to get groundrules in place. This will be a constant source of headaches that will eventually bloom into full-on resentment of her. You have to set your boundaries now, demonstrate what you are willing to accept and what you are not willing to accept. You have some hope because you're asking the right questions now - and I don't know your full story yet. That said, my gut response is to say that you're pretty much doomed.


----------



## oldblue (Jan 9, 2015)

Thank all of your for you advice, and i am sorry that i have not answered all of your questions. it has gotten worse. I dont not feel like my parents are rude to her. as an exaple, on newyears my dad wanted to meet us a a bar and visit with us, he was invited to go with us last year so i assume he felt like the invitation was still open and besides its a public place. he got to the bar early and we rode on the tour bus. once we got there we sat on the tour bus for about an hour and a half. when we finally went in he was a little upset that he had been there the whole time and we had not come to even say hello. he didnt say a single thing about it just had a not so happy look on his face. she blew up and started talking about how she didnt deserve this treatment. if it would have been her father inside im sure we would have went straight in. thats where things got really rocky and she was in a bad mood for about a week. On saturday she got pissed off because i had been texting my dad, not even a conversation just a hey good morning have a good day kind of thiing. she got pissed because she expects me not to talk to him because he disrespected her. when really he did nothing wrong, he was upset and had every right to be and contained himself very well. this lead to her packing a bag and leaving to go stay with her mom for a few days. after begging and pleading for her not to leave she still left and said several times that its just not worth it anymore. she is still at mer moms now going on 3 days and nothing i do or say is good enough to get her to come home and talk to me about this (her mom lives 2 hours away). I sat at home most of that first day collection my thoughts. I then decided to handle things like a man and go talk to my parents face to face. I sat down with my mom and explained to her that my fiance fels mis treated and she needs to be show respect and that If they will stop saying "we never see yall" they will get more out of us. I had this same talk with my dad. I dont feel like they have done anything wrong but i still back up my fiance. she then gets irate because she only wanted me to send my dad a stern text and to wait until the next time my mom does something and then have the talk with her. I feel like handleing things face to face is a better approach. and if they still will not respect our wishes then we dont speak to them until they come around. she just wants me to give my parents the silent treatment anytime she doesnt like something. I have tried to tell her that I have taken the steps to fix our relationship, I have spoken to my parents and i feel like we need to give them a clean slate and they need to give us a clean slate when ever we are together. once everyone is on the same page I think that spending a little more time with them would be good for our relationship with them. I told her all of this and she says that I am picking them over her and defending them. I have told her constantly that I love her and i want to work this out but all she can say is it will never change and I will always pick them over her. What more can I do?


----------



## oldblue (Jan 9, 2015)

Im going to give you a word for word of the last text messages she replied to. 
HER: I just absolutely cant believe you would even think about bringing up that you dont see your family enough and **** like that during this fight! Do you not realize what this is all about?! How they treat me like ****! so i dont really give a damn how much you see them when they constantly disrespect me! and the fact that you can even think about that during all of this just shows me there is no point in even trying anymore.at all. i should come first, instead you want to put more **** on our plate and defend them. that was my last ounce of faith out the window on that one. I completely give up.

ME: This is ridiculous [Name].I love you and i want us to work out. I only brought up seeing more of my parents after saying first that i think everyone needs a clean slate. then i said that if everything is good we can spend a little more time with them to improve our relationship with them. I never implied that I didnt care about your feelings and i just want to see my family more. I know that my family can be difficult sometimes(Bending to her point of view), but i dont think that they are constantly treating you like **** and disrespecting you. I think sometimes you make mountains out of mole hills, but i agree with you because i love you and always back you up. Im not defending anyone here, im just trying to get you to take a step back and look at things, and dont be so quick to get angry about something that is possibly nothing.

HER:No your completely defending them. im sick of it and you have crossed the line for the last time. that was the final push. stop digging your hole even deeper.

ME: I love you with all my heart. Im not giving up on us. I want you to come home so we can talk. Im always going to be here for you.

that was last night and since she has not talked to me


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What was stopping you from going in and saying hello to your father? And, why did you sit on a bus for an hour & a half? Was it a party bus?

Your wife may have felt she didn't agree to have your dad horn in on your new year's day celebration. Regardless, she was rude & your dad was pouting. Still, it was your dad & you needed to go in & say hi & let him know what was going on.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, okey dokey. She's made her stance clear. Read up on the 180 and start implementing it. It takes two to tango & right now you're just doing the twist all by yourself.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Unless you're not telling us something, your wife sounds entirely unreasonable and childish. Let her sulk at her mommy's house.


----------



## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

Something isn't right in all this. Those texts, for example. You sure are the good guy personified while she's the unreasonable shrew.


----------



## MLK22 (Jan 13, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> Can you give us some examples of the things that members of your family have said to your fiancé... the actual words... not a paraphrase.
> ...


This is exactly what I was thinking. It sounds like somewhere along the way a vicious cycle began. It needs to be taken back to the source in order to stop it.

And I agree wholeheartedly with BlondiLocks, your family needs to take up there issues with YOU. 

You mentioned that you don't want to have children and have them only see your parents a few times a year.... I'm sure your fiance does not want to have children and have them subjected to tension towards her from their grandparents.


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I just feel like people are making this a false choice. It doesn't have to be "spend time with my family" vs. "make my wife happy." I think it's more about whether you can make her feel secure and like she comes first, through your attitude and actions and not just words. By arguing over how much/little you see them in the midst of a fight about that, you're sending mixed signals, like maybe you're fighting to hold onto ground with your family at the same time as reassuring her. My advice would be to focus on addressing her feelings now and focus on how much you're going to see your family later -- once she feels more at ease, she may also lighten up about seeing your family. They're still a threat to her right now, I don't totally blame her for feeling that way based on what you've told me. 

I don't actually know the woman in question here and I can't judge or diagnose her behavior solely from the context of this thread. I also don't know OP's family. But I do think it's not that surprising that this kind of fight is coming up when it is, when they're on the verge of marriage, and she wants to make sure she's the priority. Maybe it's a little insecure, but it doesn't seem shocking if the family has treated her badly.


----------



## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

You are in a tough spot. Sounds like if you want to keep this woman than you must cut your parents out of your life. She wants to dictate your relationship with them. Right down to the way you are to speak and when you are to speak to them. That's amazing to me!! You will have to get her permission to speak to the 2 people that brought you into this world. 

Sounds like no matter what they do, she will not like them. There is no clean slate here. It's her way or the highway, she's made that clear by leaving. 

It's pretty sad that she has no empathy for you in this situation, she is asking you to not see your family for her but cares not what it does to you or your parents. If you marry this woman know that YOUR life will be all about HER.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I will be upfront and say that I can't stand my inlaws. I am the daughter in law they don't like, who's not good enough for their son, blah blah blah. They treated his first wife even worse than me. 

In spite of that, I think based on what he's posted, the OP's fiancé is incredibly high maintenance! 

How damn rude to sit for an hour and a half when you KNOW there is someone waiting inside for you! If I were OP's dad I would have been pissed too!!! Why did you treat him so shabbily OP?

You're going to have to give us more examples of how your family treats your fiancé like sh!t...can you do that?


----------



## kapil (Jan 15, 2015)

oldblue, you need to visit a relationship expert to get best advice. These are the tough decisions, you should not make at once. Think many times and then take the decisons. Mahendra Trivedi, a spiritual leader from US, can help you better, in my opinion. His website is trivedimasterwellness dot com.


----------



## oldblue (Jan 9, 2015)

she actually came home last night. and we talked for a good 4 hours. we agreed on some things and did not on others. I expressed how important is was to me to have a good relationship with my family and how i dont feel like im allowed to talk to them or be myself around them. she didnt like that. I just want to love her and love my family and be able to see them and spend some time eith them. I really dont think that is too much to ask. when we are with them i feel like i have to constantly check on her or stay around her to make sure she is happy. once we leave she unloads on me all the things that are wrong with the people that raised me. another example of how she is treated like "****" is, her and my mother were trying to work out a day when we could go over to my mothers house to open christmas presents. they talked a little bit and never actually set a date and time. a couple of days later my mom texted me asking if we had figured anything out. my fiance took that as disrespectful. towards the end of our 4 hour talk things got heated and we agreed to take a litle time to cool off. she went into the bed room and i sat on the couch. this took place after she said three times she didnt want to talk anymore. after about an hour i went into the room and just tried to give her a hug. not to try to have an immediate fix, just to maybe show her that I still love her. the cool down had no effect. I got into bed to go to sleep and started rubbing her back and that lead to sex. I know it probably wasnt a good idea and not very healthy to do when we are both hurting and the problem has not been solved. I do feel like im living my life just to please her and if i dont put her happiness first them I dont love her enough. I can understand how some may think that is true, but what about me? I cant keep trying to make her happy, to no avail, and sacrifice my own happiness in the process. especially when she has no ability to understand that i need things also. I guess after her constantly telling me that its not worth it and she cant do this anymore and leaving, I just feel like I cant make you happy so whats the point. and thats not a feeling that i want to have. I wanted everything to be great and work out, but it is so draining on me when she cant just be happy. just to be happy to be alive and have people that love us. I guess im just checked out and i feel bad about that, but i feel like i have been pushed to feel that way.


----------



## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

You picked an overly dominant woman. You choose to stay with an overly dominant woman. If you don't like being the "slave" to her as "master", you should have addressed this MUCH more sooner than after the engagement. The real worry here is if you do cease contact with your family, what aspect of your life will she next seek total control?


----------



## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

If everything you say is true, then your wife is a very jealous woman, and you can't fix that.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are not going to get far with your tactics.

You either don't have a clue what is bothering her, or your girl is a selfish, unreasonable brat who you need to get away from ASAP.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

She is TELLING you she cant integrate with your family.

She sounds like she has control issues.
If she truly does then she will expect that the sex cured everything. 
Then it's time to seperate.

If she returns to the problem and tries to work it, then you may have a chance.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She certainly seems to get offended awfully easily. Disrespected by your mother asking if you've decided when you're coming over? Pleeeaaase. It seems your girl doesn't know the meaning of 'respect'.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

oldblue said:


> everyone lives within one hour of each other. I try to see things from her point of view and I agree that things have been said to her that would have been said to me in a different tone. I understand that my parents are at fault there. But at the same time I can see why they are upset. Im not in anyway saying that that makes what they have done acceptable. But when what is said is said I dont think that shutting people out is the correct response. I feel like for things to get better you have to communicate. I my opinion I would think that the problem could be solved by simply dividing time between families evenly. and a lot of the issue would be gone. If im wrong please tell me. Im intention is not to get people to tell me im right and she is wrong If there is something that I could be doing I need to know


Dude, many things in your debacle ring true of what me and my W experienced. We spent just about every weekend at her parents house. I got the occasional weekend and the holidays were split between the two parents homes. Made for a frigging long day brother. 

Anyway, my mom/dad would treat my W kind of indifferently. My siblings would say things in jest to my W but these things were hurtful to my her. Yes, she did not want to spent time with my family as a result. I was a knuckle head and did not see what was happening. Never said a word to my family as a result. 

So, what to do? Cut the apron strings for one. Yes, be your own family man. Second, I find by and large women move close too their parents. As a result, they want to spend more time with them. I really don't know many women who married and moved away from their folks. I have seen men marry and move away from the folks without issue. 

Ok, at the end of the day you respect your W wishes. If your parents ask why you are not visiting a lot tell them in no uncertain terms that your STBW does not care for how she is treated. Provide a few examples. I had to go down that road with my folks and siblings. I told my brother he was way out of line with snide comments. He got the picture. My parents respected us if we could not show or had to not go to a holiday party. Gets to be too much trying to keep everyone happy all the frigging time! At the end of the day we were both miserable. From then on...holidays were spent on our home. Period. As for weekends, after a mutual come to Jesus, were split evenly. 

So, support your wife. If she is treated like a hand me down with comments or tone of speaking step up and nip it in the bud. 

And I agree with your W. Time to be your own family and operate on your terms concerning family gatherings. Cut the apron strings from mom.


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

There is a bunch of truth to this saying, 

"A son is a son 'til he gets a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life."


----------



## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

oldblue said:


> I guess im just checked out and i feel bad about that, but i feel like i have been pushed to feel that way.


The question is what are you going to do about it? 

True happiness comes from within and she is miserable inside. Nothing you can do will change that.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> If your parents ask why you are not visiting a lot tell them in no uncertain terms that your STBW does not care for how she is treated. Provide a few examples.


I'm wondering if there really are any concrete examples of her being treated badly. I haven't read any on this thread yet. 

Maybe she's being overly sensitive, or maybe there was some incident in the past that has now colored her view on everything. 

But if the OP can't give us any examples here of his parents treating her badly or saying something awful to her, then he's going to have an even more difficult time explaining it to his parents. They can't stop doing something they aren't doing in the first place.


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

It sounds to me like both your family AND your fiance may be a little bit controlling and/or jealous, and that they are turning this into a power struggle over you. I'm reading between the lines, but it sounds like your family guilt trips you, and then when you give in, your fiance feels like you're putting them first. 

Some people in this thread are just saying "your fiance is too dominant" "she's too insecure" "don't marry her" etc. No one can actually determine that but you. I really can't tell very much about her just from what you say, and while she may be on the more controlling or jealous side, some of that is also possibly circumstantial -- again, your family and your fiance are struggling over their future role in your life as you head into marriage.

The fact that you feel like you are "living life to please her" does concern me, that's going to lead to a lot of resentment. I think it already is leading to resentment. I think in your fights, you too are engaged in a power struggle, to not feel like your wife is deciding how much time you spend with your family. And I think you don't quite recognize that, so that you are on one hand telling her you love her and she is first but on the other hand fighting her pretty strongly on this. I'm not saying that's wrong, I'm just saying be aware of your emotions and motivations. 

Assuming this is the woman you're going to marry, that you're not breaking things off, you simply have to find a way to make her feel that she comes first while also finding a way to see your family. This is a very hard thing for us guys to get, but it ISN"T JUST ABOUT SAYING THE RIGHT WORDS. And also, it's not about some "objective" or "fair" standard, where if you see each other's family exactly equal time, that makes everything ok. It has nothing to do with that whatsoever, it's about the way your family, and your relationship to your family, makes her feel, for whatever reason. 

If you do get married, some of this may subside in time. It's not uncommon for clashes btw family and fiance to occur in the runup to a marriage, because everyone is stressed out about how your relationships will play out in the future. And some of this will be fixed over time -- you may naturally find that as you get closer to your wife, you will not spend as much time with your family.

Unrelated, but I completely disagree that it's "unhealthy" to have sex when you haven't worked everything out. Sex always helps works things out in my experience, it's never a bad idea.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Op, you need to quit being a marshmallow and stand up to her.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

norajane said:


> I'm wondering if there really are any concrete examples of her being treated badly. I haven't read any on this thread yet.
> 
> Maybe she's being overly sensitive, or maybe there was some incident in the past that has now colored her view on everything.
> 
> But if the OP can't give us any examples here of his parents treating her badly or saying something awful to her, then he's going to have an even more difficult time explaining it to his parents. They can't stop doing something they aren't doing in the first place.


He did mention the tone she was spoken too. Is it condescending? Belittling? My family jokes with using put downs. For years I have heard it and these slide off my back. For those not familiar with this type of banter it is off putting. My wife is 8 years younger than me. When were were dating my brother started in on Joey Buttafuoco jokes(I'm guessing you know Joey's story). That crap had to stop immediately. It was incidents like this that bugged my W to the point she did not like going to my family functions.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
If your description of this situation is close to accurate I would suggest you not marry this woman. If you think life is hard now then wait till you marry. Also, she says you consort with your family too much and yet her and her mom are deciding when you two can open presents at your parents house? Really? I advise the next time she storms off to mommy's house and says its the last straw that you tell her you agree and will drop her stuff off tomorrow. Then find a woman who is not a spoiled brat. Good luck.


----------

