# Starting the recovery, have to be strong for her



## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I just joined this place today, yet another in a long list of things I thought I would never do.

I have been married for almost 17 years. I love my wife, she has been my best friend for 18 years.

Thursday, while traveling for work, I had sex with someone that I had just met at a hotel bar. It was some kind of fantasy thing that I had created. One of those things that never really happens, or at least I never thought they did. The entire night was a drunken blur and it almost seemed as if I was watching rather than participating.

Please note that none of that is an excuse, if anything I drank more knowing what I was doing and used it to kill the side of me that was saying stop.

I have been home since Friday. Last night I told her the whole story. I debated on whether I should just keep it in, because it is something that will never happen again. However, I cannot have sex with her until I get tested and there is no way to explain. Ultimately, I owe her the truth, and so I told her.

It is going to be hard, I have faith that we will work through this, but I dont see how I will ever forgive myself. Perhaps with time, just getting this out helps a bit. It is a long road ahead.

I have a lot of things I need to work on, but most importantly, I need to support her. If anyone has advice on how to help the offended party cope, please share.


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## Mom_In-Love (Mar 18, 2012)

I have never had experience with this, however, I thought of a few things to share...

What made you cheat on her? Meaning, what was going through your mind? - I ask this because the answer to this may help her to understand your state of mind at the time. Maybe you were out of character and never felt that way before? I don't know. But I think it might be important for her to know that what happened is not who you are.

How did she react to the news?

She might feel insecure when you go to work related trips away from her. So, at the very least I would suggest that you tell her that you wont be going to bars and such when you are away like that. And, keeping communication with her will probably help with any insecurity as well.

Don't know what else to tell you. But please, learn from this mistake and don't set yourself up for failure in the future.


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## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

Be completely open and honest no matter how uncomfortable you feel and be ready for set backs down the road. She will from time to time ask questions and want details and you need to be completely honest with her, yes the truth may hurt her but it will help heal her as well. And when things seem like they are getting better there will be a trigger that sets her back, its life and the only thing you can do is take responsibilitiy for your actions, reassure her its not her fault, tell her constantly that you are sorry and if she will let you then you should hold her and comfort her, it may seem like not a big deal to you because you were drunk and can't remember many of the details, but to your wife her heart has been ripped out and she is dying inside, DO NOT tell her to get over it or drop it, this will only make the problems worse and could end your marriage. And remember that this healing process will take time it will not go away over night, it could take years. I have been there and I know what she is going through, so be there for her and no matter how many times you answer the same questions over and over keep answering them.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm wired a little different then most, but I will share.

My fWW (former wayward wife) has given her self back to me completely.

She was smart enough not to sh!t were she eats so her job and the coworked thing is not an issue.

Her going out is. So she wants nothing to do with that old life style. The "friends" that enabled her to have this unhealthy life style are no longer around due to her lack of engaging them.

She has excepted the VAR, GPS and many other tools that take away her privacy. Her submission in the bed room and her willingness to completely giver her self to me is helping me heal.

It sucks your here but your alpha male may need to be given up. Its so not like me to say this but man you need to focus on doing the heavy lifting that willl help her heal. 

Maybe its not about being submissive at all but manning up and showing your W you can handle your sh!t...IDK!

Thats the thing, chicks dig confindent man and some how you need to show her you are confident enough to not be a repeat offender ( confident to be a man that is respectable and will leave this earth as one) by going to IC and any other progrms that will teach you how to act.....knowing your W is always next to you ....no matter how far away she is.

Fix your self brother then you can fix your relationship


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Tasorundo said:


> I just joined this place today, yet another in a long list of things I thought I would never do.
> 
> I have been married for almost 17 years. I love my wife, she has been my best friend for 18 years.
> 
> ...


You have already made a very good start by telling her your self and telling her all of it. It will be a long road, but if you keep taking the responsibility for what you did, my guess is that it will shorten your wifes R time. For your self. I think you would benefit from some individual counseling. I wish you the very best . It sounds like you are worth hanging on to.


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## AllThePrettyHorses (Mar 23, 2012)

Tasorundo said:


> Thursday, while traveling for work, I had sex with *someone *that I had just met at a hotel bar. It was some kind of fantasy thing that I had created. One of those things that never really happens, or at least I never thought they did. The entire night was a drunken blur and it almost seemed as if I was watching rather than participating.


Man or woman?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It doesn't matter, the OP need to find the boundries that will help him as an individual, and the heavy lifting to help heal his W.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

To clarify, it was a woman.

It has been a rough 36 hours, but it is to be expected. There is no doubt that we are going to work on reconciliation. We have had many hours of conversation since I told her. Her emotions have swung wildly from anger to sadness. All of this is to be expected considering the weight of the bomb I dropped on our marriage.

We were able to have a quiet dinner with our son last night. There was some casual conversation and no tears. I think that is progress, and in all honesty I dont think I have a right for things to have progressed this far.

I have begun to get us connected to a counselor and a support system. We will have a meeting either today or tomorrow once I hear back.

The next big dilema is that I have another trip scheduled for April 16. I have told her that I will cancel it, bring her with me, or go alone depending on where she is. It will possibly end my career progression to cancel it, but I would rather have her than this job. It is just not a decision that can be taken lightly.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

That is the question I have been working through since it happened.

I went into this trip, thinking that it might happen, which should have been enough of a warning for me to do something about it. I bought into a lie, that there was something out there I was missing.

I want to preface this with a statement that none of it is an excuse, but a discussion of the journey that led me to where I am now.

My wife and I got married when I was 19. She was the only girl I ever dated, and wile we were not high school sweethearts, I met her when I was a senior in high school and she was a sophomore in college. Prior to, and during our marriage I have struggled with pornography. It was a part of my growing up, to the point where my parents gave me a subscription to playboy when I was 15 (it had my name on it even). My wife and I have always had intimacy issues and at one point we met with a counselor to work through them. Some things got better, some things didn't. There was always a part of me that felt like she did not really work on the things she was supposed to.

Things ebbed and flowed from good to bad to ok, throughout our marriage. About two months ago I had a discussion with her about it, which did not really lead to anything but me feeling guilty for demanding something from her. I would also like to comment here that we did have sex, and multiple times a week usually. She was not one of those wives that saved it for birthdays or anything.

After this, my fantasy life went in to overdrive, I retreated more and more and began to believe that I was being deprived of something. I felt justified in seeking it out.

I believe that is the main reason that I am here today. Ancillary to all of that are a couple other things. 

I have put a lot of effort into being healthier and lost 100lbs. I think some of that gave me a feeling like I was entitled to be 'wanted' and I did not feel that way at home. This woman at the bar made eye-contact with me and met me on my approach. It was intoxifying to be obviously desired in a physical way.

Last year, I was diagnosed with a heart condition and have had multiple surgeries and spent weeks in cardiac intensive care. I think this played into my feeling of desperation, like it is now or never.


I think that sums up my self exploration to this point. I have no doubt that I will discover more as I keep digging.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

T -

First, I have to applaud the way you are handling this. I have little tolerance for cheating, but I recognize that we are all capable of making mistakes.

I would take the trip, but be completely transparent with your wife. You don't need financial trouble on top of the domestic challenges you currently face. Do what it takes to make your wife comfortable.

Therapy sounds like the right next step for both of you. I recommend you read "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck as you embark on this journey. It is a difficult path, but a very rewarding one.

I have a theory that we humans do a generally excellent job of picking a spouse with whom both sides can grow through their issues. The journey pushes both parties to the breaking point, but if they get through it, lasting love ensues. It is worth the struggles.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I just recieved my first phonecall from someone asking what was wrong with my wife. My wife texted someone last night to ask if she could not be at a meeting tonight, that something was wrong, but did not specify. So, that has filtered back through to my mother, who called to ask what is going on.

It is amazing how fast information flies when it is gossip. I know that I created all of this, but I hope that people can just let us work towards healing in peace.

I texted my wife to discuss with her how she wants to handle it. I have told her I will talk to anyone she wants me to whenever she is ready for me to do so.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Tasorundo said:


> I just joined this place today, yet another in a long list of things I thought I would never do.
> 
> I have been married for almost 17 years. I love my wife, she has been my best friend for 18 years.
> 
> ...


Best question my H asks-frequently: "what can I do for you right now to help you". Sometimes the answer is "nothing" or "I dont know" but its the effort and concern that matters.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Telling your mom that you had sex with a stranger in violation of the vows you have taken with your wife is easier than telling your wife. It is not fun though.

This is going to send a ripple through our circle of friends. We are premarital counselors with our church. The collateral damage is the least of my concerns right now.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Be honest with your mother and tell her you had an affair without giving her the detail. Resign your position as a premarital counselor, it gives you and your wife time to decide how to deal with the future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Thankfully, we have been inactive in that role since my last heart surgery in September.

I did not give my mother details, only what happened and where we are today.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Tasorundo said:


> Thankfully, we have been inactive in that role since my last heart surgery in September.
> 
> I did not give my mother details, only what happened and where we are today.


Tasorundo, could I ask your mothers reaction? My H just had the same convo w/his mother....


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

My mother was shocked. She was not upset, just saddened. Like most people around us, I think they felt that we were the least likely couple they knew to be going through this. We got along great together, we spend a lot of time together with friends. We joke, laugh, touch, and are from all outside accounts open and honest with everyone.

It is terrible that I let my hidden obsessions destroy what we had. I know that it is a sign that we needed some work. That I, more than anything, needed a lot of work.

To update on how it is going at home: It has been about 56 hours since I told her about my ONS. I left work early yesterday to spend time with her. Neither of us has been eating, so I picked up one of her favorite meals on the way home. We talked a while. I made an appointment with a counselor and we met him at 2pm. I have an appointment to go back for a solo session early next week. Additionally, we are starting a support system through the church where we can work through this with other people in similar situations.

I have started reading one of two books recommended to me by a friend and the counselor.

I am very concerned about her and I feel like right now there is a lot of focus on me. Not that I don't need it, but I worry about supporting her. I can listen to her describe her emotions, but other than holding her and apologizing to her there is not much I can do. I hope that we can get her someone to help unpack her feelings better than I can. Perhaps this is what is needed and it is time that will heal, but it is tough to feel so helpless.

I had not shaved since I returned home from the trip. I know she dislikes stubble, and I felt like it would keep her from trying to kiss me. Whether it was for her or me, I don't know. During our talks yesterday, we decided I should shave and that I should kiss her. I knew it would be rough, and it was. I kissed her a couple times, not passionately, but easing into physical contact gradually. She started crying and I held her until we fell asleep.

I did not expect it to be any better then that. I hope that by the time we decide to progress to anything more, that we have both done a lot of healing.

On that note, we have talked about my std testing, and I think that we should wait until we can effectively rule out anything. I understand that odds that I have HIV are incredibly low, but the fact that there is a chance makes me wary. She said that she does not want to wait 3 months to resume sexual contact, but I think it would be beneficial for us. Late next week, I will get screened for everything, and pay the extra cost for an RNA analysis to test for HIV. However, that test is not a guarantee and they recommend testing of antibodies at 3 and 6 months.

We have also decided that she is going to come with me on my trip April 16th. We have arranged for our son to stay with my parents for the 3 nights we will be gone.

I asked her out on a date this weekend. In someway, I am hoping that if we can start over, it might help. If I can court her and we can date for these months while we wait for test results, that maybe we can get something of what we had back. My 3 month test results will be back before our 17th anniversary. I was hoping that I might ask her to marry me again, in the same spot as the first time. It all sounds so cheesy and hollow. It is hard to know what is a good idea right now.

Sorry for rambling, feel free to comment on any of the above.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

click the welcome newbies link in my signature, 3rd post in there has an excellent guide for remorseful waywards, you should give it a read


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Thank you for the links. I read your story as well, I am sorry for what you have been through, but glad that you seem to have recovered. It gives me hope for the future, which is precious.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Another day done, each one has been better than the ones before it. There was an outbreak of sobbing where I held her, but we had more good conversation, and she asked me a lot of questions. Overall, it was more progress. I made dinner and we had a nice dinner together while our son was invited to a friends house to eat.

She started writing a journal to get her thoughts out. I think it has been very cathartic for her. She invited me to read it, but warned that I may not like everything that was in it.

This morning, when I got up for work (4am) she was awake and in the bathroom. I went in to check on her and she said she had been up since 1, reading and praying. She woke up with images of me and the other woman and wanted to get up and focus her mind on positive things rather than lay in bed and dwell. She said since it was so close to my alarm, she wanted to wait for me and give me a hug/kiss and tell me she loved me. She said that she started reading the book the counselor recommended for me as well. When she kissed me, it was different than every other kiss since I confessed. Her lips were not tight, she was not forcing herself to do it. I don't want to read to much into it, but I think it was a good sign.

I went to do my morning reading, and in my book was a note from her. She said that she was sorry she never understood how serious my issues were and that she was glad that we have a chance to repair the damage done in our relationship.

I read through the journal she has been keeping. Understandably it starts out very angry. There is a lot of questions, a lot of self blame, and lot of insecurities brought on by my actions. However, I was surprised at how quickly things turned to focusing on reconciliation. She said many positive things, and there is a real longing for and confidence in our future. It is clear that it will be a difficult road and she makes comments to the same. However, there is a confidence in both of us that the end of this journey will be a deeper, closer, and more intimate relationship. One that can only come through real honesty, communication and trust.

Today is the most hopeful day since it happened. I hope I continue to say that every day.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I hope you are in this for the long haul, this will take lots of time

right now she is in the anger/shock phase and is looking for answers and might even be blaming herself, it's important for you to make her realize that it is nothing that she did or didn't do that led to you doing this

be prepared to answer the same questions over and over again


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Also be prepared for a long ride. There will be times where you think things are improving and heading towards "everything's going to be okay", and then BOOM, she will have a setback that comes completely out of the blue. I know this, as I was in her shoes, sort of (my wife had an affair that never went physical, an EA).

From the sounds of what you are saying, she sounds like an incredible woman. She is putting forth a TON of effort and giving you a lot of consideration. Know that behind this is unimaginable pain that you will never understand. Prepare for setbacks and backlashes along the way.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I don't have much to add today, there is continued process. She talked with me about the images in her head and how they are much less frequent now. I think that might be the worst part for the BS.

I am doing better, learning a lot about myself and how I ended up here. It is all so obvious when you are not mired in it. We met with a pastor today, who was very encouraging about what we have done so far. He has spoken with our counselor as well, and he shared the feelings they had about where we are and where we are going. It was a very positive meeting, and I think it gave us both a big dose of hope for our future.

So far, each day has been better than the last. I know there will be setbacks, but we should rejoice in the improvements as the occur.

Next week I will be getting tested for STD's. We have agreed that we need to wait until we can rule out everything before we resume sexual relations. It will be a while before HIV can really be ruled out, but it is giving me a chance to court her without sex getting involved.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

It has now been 3 weeks since it happened and I told her.

Things have been, for lack of a better word, amazing. We have spent a ton of time together, we have discussed a lot of things and have been open and honest with each other.

I have had to deal with some things that were small steps on the way. I have never deleted text messages, or facebook messages and I have had conversations that were inappropriate. Not that they were every cybersex, pics, or anything like close to that, but I discussed things that should not have been there. I also cut contact with a female friend of mine. My wife asked me to do that, so I did. She has been a friend for about 7 years and it made me sad, but it needed to be done. It was not an EA, but I know it made my wife uncomfortable, and that is all that matters.

Another thing I am dealing with is coming to terms with now deep my issues with pornography have run. I know that people have different views here, but I cannot justify it anymore. I have been a user of it since I was 12 years old, and it has consumed a lot of what was meant for my wife. It became an obsession, multiple times a day, a variety of subjects, and ultimately into fantasy. That fantasy helped pave the road to that woman's hotel room. I allowed myself to believe a lie, a lie that has stolen from my marriage for over 16 years. She did not deserve this, and she did not deserve who she married.

We have returned to physical contact, however, rather than risk anything, we are waiting until 3 months to resume intercourse. That is to ensure I did not contract HIV. Yes, it is a very small chance, but I would rather wait than know my choice sentenced both of us to death.

In some ways, it is refreshing to not have the option. It is more like we are dating again and there is not a rush to get to that step. We are enjoying each other slowly, kindling what should have been there from the start.

The 3 month test will be about a week before our 17th anniversary. She recently made mention of renewing our vows. I was thinking about planning a surprise ceremony on the weekend of our anniversary, nothing overly fancy, just some good friends and family. If possible I will make a short 'honeymoon' for us that weekend after the ceremony. I am not sure how it will all come together and I feel like this is overly cheesy, but I think she will appreciate it and love it.

In addition to this, her wedding ring was lost and mine no longer fits. I am going to get us new, matching rings. Not sure what they will be right now, but I think it is important. She has started wearing a place holder ring, since all of this started.

Anyway, that is where we are. Any comments and advice are appreciated.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

very positive steps, just know this is for the long haul, she will have lots of bad moments for years to come


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Have you seen this video re porn?

TEDxGlasgow - Gary Wilson - The Great Porn Experiment - YouTube

I figure human beings are different enough that there some men who can handle watching porn without it affecting their married sex life.

Like other addictive substances--some people take one sip of alcohol and they're goners--they were already predisposed in many ways to be alcoholics. Other people it's a slow build over time but they still become alcoholics. Still others can drink occasionally and it just doesn't affect them this way at all.

In the video he mentions a growing movement of men on the web who are swearing off porn for a wide variety of reasons. It's not a religious issue, it's a mental / physical health issue for many of them.

The truth is human beings have a boundless ability to take things that are neutral or good for you and to turn them into a cancer that eats them alive. (I personally think porn is bad, but my concern is for the women who are participating in filming and what degree of coercion they're under.)

More power to you for recognizing all these things you need to change.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

The porn never affected our sex life in a way my wife knew of. We had sex a lot, mutiple times a week.

What she didn't know and what I let happen was a slow poisoning of my views. I found myself more and more objectifying women, and ultimately even my wife. She was an object for my pleasure, not a partner, wife, or even lover. The woman I slept with, I don't even remember her name.

AR, I know there will be good and bad days to come. We have talked about that as well. We have had one incident with some irrational fear and we talked it out. She has every right to question me and I need to answer, be accountable to her, and always do it with love.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

It has now been almost 6 weeks and things are still going well. We have had some rough patches, but we have gone a in between the last two rough conversations.

We are still spending time together, talking, and connecting with each other. We will go back to the counselor as a couple this week for the first time since the initial visit. I have seen him every week since we started.

We also had our first meeting with the marriage reconcilliation group at church. It has gone well, I have a call scheduled with the leader of that group later today.

Overall things are still looking good though!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Just reading your story for the first time. It sounds to me as though you are the picture boy for remorseful spouse! 

I hope you are prepared, as others have said, to deal with this for years to come. It's over 2 years since our first D day and only in the last couple of months have I started feeling strong again (I am the BS)

I also hope you continue to address your porn issues. My husband is a sex addict and attends a 12 step group - internet porn was part of his problem. If you ever want some more info along those lines just let me know.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Thanks Hope, I meant to write more, but my boss asked me to go to an early lunch with him. It was a good lunch, but I did have to explain to him while I an unavailable for emergency travel right now. It is the nature of my job that we travel on short notice when things go wrong. I dont travel often, but it can come without notice.

I am prepared to deal with it for however long it takes. I have created this hurdle by not being the husband I should have been. We both have things to work on, but I broke the vows.

Our current plan is still to wait until the 12 week HIV test to begin activities that involve fluid exchange. The waiting is a blessing and curse. It is nice to remove that from our options and return to more of a gradual increase of intimacy. However, it is hard with that still hanging over us until then.

I am going forward with renewing our vows on our 17th anniversary weekend. Initially I was going to wait until then to progress physically even though I will have my 12 week test done the last week of June. The new plan is to get that test, and she will be traveling with me that last week of June after the test. We will work our way up to sex that week and then when we return home we will abstain until our anniversary.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Last night was rough. She asked me about a conversation I had earlier that day with our reconciliation group leader. In that discussion I told her that he asked me about if I had issues with strip clubs or prostitutes, etc.

I told him no, and that is the truth. However, that led to a discussion of why I don't have issues with those things. I have never cared for them, because they are so fake. The thought of someone pretending to be interested in me for money makes me feel sick. I cannot even go into a hooters without feeling queasy. It is not a noble objection, but it is an objection.

Talking about this, led us to a discussion of why I had the ONS. I told my wife that a big part of it was the intoxication of feeling desired. That woman wanted to be with me, she pursued me. Since this has all happened, and in other conversations with my wife, I see now how failed to communicate well in the past. I did not see her attempts to show her desire for me. At some point in our marriage I closed my heart to the idea that she might even be trying.

I had become bitter, hopeless that I would ever find what I was looking for from her.

She cried and I held her. I apologized for what I have done to the marriage, for cheating, for shutting her out, and for not being more proactive. It was easier to shut down and retreat to my comforts than it was to address the issues. I stopped fighting for our marriage.

Ultimately, I think it will be a good conversation and a building block in our reconciliation. Today, I am at work after getting called in at 2am (we talked until 11 and then I barely slept before the phone call), and I am tired, beaten down and feel paralyzed. I laid there last night, not knowing how to comfort her. Holding her, professing my sincere apologies and love for her just felt so feeble.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Here we are in the 10th week. I made an appointment for my 12 week HIV test, so that is sort of a light at the end of the tunnel thing.

My wife and I have been reading together and discussing the subjects. We have a few books recommended by our counselor, so I am sure we will have plenty of stuff to read for a while. It has been good and since we took the 'love language' quiz, I know that her primary one is quality time. I think this time together serves that end as well as helping to establish myself as the spiritual leader of the household, which is something she also desires.

We have talked about what will happen when I am, hopefully, declared HIV negative. I wanted it to be clear to her that I don't expect us to resume intercourse immediately and that I know it will bring up a lot of emotions in both of us. We talked about how us having sex won't fix any of the problems and if I still have a wrong view of sex, it won't help that either.

She is very worried that despite the outside evidences that on the inside I have not changed. She is afraid that I still hold sex as this ultimate thing, an idol. I know it is a battle I will deal with for a while, but I am confident that I am moving in the right direction faster than I ever thought possible.

I am still putting plans together for us to renew our vows on the weekend of our anniversary. I have lined up the location and pastor to perform it. Now I need to get our original vows out of the storage box, buy rings, plan decorations and food.

Overall, everything is very positive. We have struggles from time to time, but the overwhelming attitude is one of love and commitment.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Tasorundo said:


> To clarify, it was a woman.
> 
> It has been a rough 36 hours, but it is to be expected. There is no doubt that we are going to work on reconciliation. We have had many hours of conversation since I told her. Her emotions have swung wildly from anger to sadness. All of this is to be expected considering the weight of the bomb I dropped on our marriage.
> 
> ...


You are doing all the right things. 

My STBEH did not. He had a long term affair that was emotional and physical and he spent a lot of money on her buying her gifts, dinners out, expensive trips. 

If my husband only had a one off, it would be easier to forgive and move on. If he sounded as remorseful as you do it would be really easy to forgive and move on. If he had confessed it would have been even easier to forgive and move on. 

Mine lied even when outed by anonymous letters, and he continued to lie about hidden credit cards, bank accounts, sex addictions, etc.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

It has been about a month since I have posted anything here, but figured I would update. This thread has never been that popular, but perhaps it can be useful for some.

In the past month:
- I don't have HIV or any STD
- We resumed all sexual activity
- Things have been mostly positive

This Friday is our anniversary party and vow renewal. I have told her about it, originally I was going to do it as a surprise party (knowing she was on board with the renewal), but decided against it. She is excited about it and looking forward to it. She bought a dress for it yesterday and I need to go get a shirt to match it.

There will be about 40 people at the party. Everyone there knows the whole story of my infidelity. We actually had dinner with the last couple attending that did not know and talked with them. It was important to me that everyone is aware of the reasons. I have no problem discussing it and being honest about it.

My wife and I both hope we can use this experience and reconciliation as a ministry opportunity to others. Prior to this all happening, we did pre-marital counseling. I have contacted all of the couples that still live around and talked with them about it. Several of them are invited to the ceremony as well. I hope to resume that role in the future.

There have been a lot of really good conversations between us. She has been great at working on some of the problems we had before the infidelity and I hope that I have been accountable for my contributions. There is still a lot of baggage to work through, but each day is a step. It reminds me of a song lyric I heard the other day "every breath is a step to forever".

I struggle with getting over the past to a degree. There is a lot of rejection and bitterness from our past that I need to work on. I think things are getting better though and we both see brighter days on the horizon. We are both looking forward to this weekend of time with each other and relaxing alone.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Thank you for posting. I'd take it as a compliment that you haven't had many comments. You haven't seemed to need much advice, you've shown remorse, etc etc. I wish the two of you all success as you continue to restore your relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thebuckest (Jul 10, 2012)

Great job man I wish u all the best. Please don't discount the value of sex in a relationship. Sex is so vital to a healthy relationship its kind of scary. If u think about it its the ultimate form of communication. You get to express your love, fatansies, desires all of it. I would bet that if u both took sex in a relationship more seriously you would find yourselves more jn tuned with one another. Before me and my wides problems I had porn issues same as you anx sex was good but after out problems we have sex daily if not twice a day. I know this wont last forever but at least till I'm sixty or impotent lol. All joking asside sex is imo the biggest thing in a healthy relationship. I know many will say communication or love or many other things. And they are right if u look at sex the way we both used to just a form of selfish pleasure. But if u lokk at it as connecfing and sharing with your wife its so much more powerful than what people realize. Hope u enjoy your wife and your life they go hand in hand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

When you had sex with the other woman, did you wear a condom? I mean is there any chance this woman might show up out of the blue pregnant? 

I congratulate you for your efforts in fixing the situation. This is one more story that gives me hope that not all cheaters are proud of their actions. I wish you and your wife the best.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Natasha, no I didn't, but I had a vasectomy 7 years ago and haven't had any issues. Additionally, I don't think she could contact me if she wanted to as neither of us know each other more than a first name and the fact we were in the same hotel. I think she was also surgicially sterilized as well.



The party and vows were great. We had about 40 people there, and everyone had a wonderful time. Everyone present knew our story and many of them have been in our lives for more than 10 years. Several people commented on how touching the ceremony was. Food was great, fellowship was great, and my wife is great.

We got to go out of town for the weekend for free because I had to do a couple hours of work in another city. So, it was basically like a free weekend road trip.

We have things to work on, and I certainly have things to work on, but each day is a step. Our comminication continues to get better and really that is at the heart of it all.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

So, it has been almost a year since the ONS, and the D-day right after. I figured I would update this thread, because it is good to have some positive messages.

Things have been pretty good when you look at what happened a year ago. It rarely comes up, and when it does come up, it is not a dreadful negative conversation, but more of a turning point in our marriage.

I have been in IC since the affair, weekly at first and now just once a month. It has been a really good process, working through my past and how I got to where I am now. I have uncovered a lot of things, a lot of ways I hurt my wife and how it was set up for failure from the beginning. I have historically had way too strong of an association between sex and love, so much so that I find it hard to feel loved in any other way.

When you couple that with my wife's issues regarding sex, it was a recipe for disaster. I by no means am excusing my actions as they were and are still wrong. Being a logical person, it is good to be able to plot out what happened and have some reasoning behind it. I was in a wrong place, with a wrong attitude, and wrongly I sought my own desires above all else.

My wife and I went through a program at our church and at the end of it, we are supposed to make amends to people that we have sinned against. Last week, we sat down and she read through a 2 page list of things she felt she needed to make amends for. I teared up, because these are all the things I have felt for years and have been dismissed as non-issues.

So, things have been going well I would say. We make it a point to sit down and talk for at least 10 minutes every night as soon as we put our son to bed. I started that recently as other attempts to make deliberate time every night had not worked so well. If we have more time than 10 minutes, we read through a chapter of a book together and discuss our thoughts on it.

The only down side is that we still have issues in the sex department. Recently she changed doctors and the doctor changed her anti-depressants from an NRI to a SNRI. When she called me about that, it felt like someone just punched me in the stomach. Years ago she was on an SRI, and not only did it kill her already comatose libido, it made her practically an-orgasmic as well. Things have not gone really well since that change, but I am in a much better place.

I am working through my issues with that, and doing my best to be a loving, supporting, and caring husband. I am working on receiving her love in other ways, and she is working on showing me love sexually. Both of us are committed to being together, and I am confident that we will remain that way.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Well done both of you some heavy lifting going on there

However the sex thing is not going to go away is it.

As much as you have done to maybe take the focus away from 'sex = love' good fulfilling sex is a prerequisite in a long term union and the lack of will rear its head unless there is some positive response for you both imo


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I have to say I'm really impressed with how hard you've been working on yourself and your marriage. And as someone who just experienced D-Day less than a month ago, it does give me hope that things can get better, so thank you for continuing to post. As someone else said, you probably need little advice because you are so far ahead of most WS's - you REALLY "get it!" You knew you needed to do the "heavy lifting," and you really started doing the hard work right from the get-go. 

I thought I would address the sex issue because my WS said his affair was strictly about that. He didn't love the OW, and they even agreed it was going to be just about sex.

I think it's very important that you NOT keep an orgasm score. I've had some physical issues and I know that sometimes things just don't work and it may have nothing to do with our husbands. 

But men tend to take these things personally. That's why so many women fake it! You certainly don't want that, because then you get into dishonesty, and there you go again, breaking the trust that you've been working so hard to rebuild.

If she never, ever has an orgasm on this drug, then she'd want to discuss it with the doctor. But if her frequency of orgasm is OK for HER, that's what's important. Don't assume she needs that as often as you do.

The libido is another matter. If you have a frequency of sex now that is far down from what you used to have, you may start to have resentment, and there will be tension. You WILL need to address that. If your needs can be met through cuddling with her or satisfying yourself, then maybe the tension won't mount. But if you harbor secret desires for something more... remember, this is how you got in trouble in the first place. You want to make sure to be in prevention mode at all times, to be aware of anything and everything that made you vulnerable to cheating, and dealing with ALL of it.

Maybe the porn did have a lasting effect on you? The nymphos (at least they act like it - a lot of those poor women are drugged up) in porn are not like most women. We take care of our homes and maybe kids and often have a job too, so we are not usually as "full of extra energy" as the porn stars. Could your expectations be too high? Was the "multiple times a week" that you used to have something that she was doing because she really wanted that frequency, or was she doing it because she sensed you HAD to have sex that often? 

I'm not at all suggesting you're a sex addict - you really don't sound like it - but I think your focus on sex definitely got you into trouble, and the ONS deeply wounded your wife. So it may be worth asking yourself how often you TRULY want to have sex, and if that's a lot, what does that mean, and how can you deal with the difference between how much you want and how much you are having. And most important of all, how can you deal with this difference with love and tenderness and the never-too-many apologies to your wife.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

T can you approach her about the change in meds and how it is affecting your marriage. You realize it is, right? 

I think that since this is a central issue in your marital problems, you should take it as a seriously. I say this because you seem to be falling back into a pattern no? Her sex drive is being affected by meds but you both have not discussed the change and alternatives with the physician. 

Again you fail to discuss your concern and problem openly. This is big and you must find a solution. You are likely to head down the same road again. You both have come too far to go back to old patterns. Remember when you read her journal and you said she listed problems that she earlier dismissed? What happened to those hopeful feelings you had? 

Remember, honestly is best, then you can work together. There are meds that have a better profile for affects on libido. Talk to her about working with hr physician to find the right combination. 

BTW it is normal for men to feel loved by having sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Hey guys, I am glad that my story is helpful for some. I think it is a good story and really does, at least so far, have a happy ending.

The sex issues we have now are talked about. We openly discuss them, and in fact, the Friday after she started taking the new drug we had a conversation about it. I know that does not mean it is fixed, but it is not a hidden problem driving a wedge between us.

I don't expect her to perform like a porn star, and we have talked about that. I expect her to want to be present when it happens. She knows that, and we have had a lot of progress in that area.

My attitudes on sex have changed a lot in the past year and dealing with my porn addiction has helped a lot in that area. Ideally I would like to have sex 2-3 times a week, and some of those being quickies is fine with me. It does not need to be a marathon, however having some of those mixed in would be nice.

When it comes to medication, I know a lot about the various meds available and I know why she has been put on the current one. I am have a medicinal chemistry background and read up on anything that my wife or I get prescribed. I am not shy in asking questions to doctors and love to read medical journals. I believe that the current med she is on is the best thing for her overall wellbeing at this time.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am so glad you came back to update - that doesn't happen around here nearly enough! I am also so glad to hear things are going so well for the two of you. There will always be issues, and it does sound like you do have some to still work through, but you *are* working through them. 

Thanks for posting!!


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

So, it is has been a while since I have updated. I am still around the forum most days, just reading people's stories and occasionally posting something.

A lot has happened in 2 years, we moved across the country, I changed jobs/industries. She is able to work the career she wants and not the one she went to school for. Finances are good, son is doing well, we are close to family and overall that stuff is great.

However, she is not doing well. Since we moved, she has been getting worse, more depressed, more drinking, more hostile towards me. A few weeks ago, I had us start marriage counseling and it quickly (1 session) came out that she is not really much farther along than D-day. I told her when we were working through this all back then, that I felt it was going too fast and that we needed to slow it down to make sure we deal with things. I have not reminded her of that, but it appears I was right.

Anyway, she has a few sessions with the counselor alone, before we go back as a couple. She has some videos to watch from a marriage counseling place that deal specifically with recovering from betrayal.

I wanted to update, because 3 years into recovering from a ONS, it is still a lot of work. I think people should know that, and see longer term stories than are usually posted on here.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Late to the party. I am very impressed with your approach from the very beginning.

Often there are underlying issues for depression, making it more of a symptom. For my wife it is CSA and ACOA issues. Understanding and breaking that history open has led to tremendous progress, but there are still problems, and likely there always will be. 

Are you still active in the church after your move? Does she lean on her faith? Is she in individual counseling?

Lastly, there is room for things to fester here on both ends. That is largely what led to problems on your end. Be aggressive in getting to the root of the problems, and even though you cheated, do not allow that to somehow relegate your needs in the relationship to being optional, or you will be returning to exact same situation when you stepped out on her.

Please keep updating. I am curious to see what direction this takes, and lend a hand if possible.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I figured I would update this thread today. 

Today is our 21st anniversary. We are still getting along ok. There are issues in the marriage, but in a way that comes in any marriage. Nothing is perfect.

We are getting away from the weekend and will have a week where our son is staying with grandparents, so that will be the most time alone we have had in a while. I am hopeful it will go well.

Sex has become an issue again, I know that she loves me, but she is heavily medicated for depression (has been for about 10 years). I wish I could do something to help with that, but I am fairly hopeless in that ever changing. The end result is that she is numb emotionally.

Overall, we do have a good marriage and I am very happy 90% of the time. Our son is great and our day to day life has been really good. There is always that elusive 10% that screws everything else up though.

TL;DR - Still together, things are good, could be better. 4 years post ONS.


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