# Help, please.



## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

I don't know what I'm doing. Backstory: Married 6 years and I have a 5 yr old daughter. Wife had a short emotional affair in 09 and another one in 2010 with a past boyfriend while I was deployed. And an affair that started last year with a co worker in jul. The last affair got physical in october. We moved in dec, and I found out about all three in feb of this year. She left her facebook open and I snooped because I suspected. She was honest about everything. I snopped in the first few weeks after discovery, but I've stopped. I choose to trust. If she does it again then I'll know. My eyes are open. 

I'm 29 she is 38.

I'm in marriage counseling and individual counseling. It has been hard, and it hurt very much. But I'm for the most part, over it. I realize that no, I did not cause them to happen, but in my actions I contributed to the environment. Like, I put the ingredients into the pot and she stirred. That is not the point here, but I include the information if it helps me get some good advice. 

Please, I'm not looking for "she should do it because she was wrong, or she is not working hard enough, et cetera". This is my wife, and mother of my child. A good woman who did a bad thing.

The part I need help with is the sex.

We don't have good sex. Mine is good. But I feel like I'm battling for it. I don't like the fact that it is only when she is ok to do it. This far its been once a week, but that is only if I persist. She tells me that persistence is turning her off, makes me unattractive. That I should hint once and wait. If I do that, I don't think I will be able to make love to her, as in, I don't think she will pursue. I get really horny and sex makes me feel connected. 

Things I've heard:

*You pressure me, and that pushes me away
*I'm tired
*I'm not feeling well down there, I do have a doctors appt

This morning, she wakes up, I kiss her, and start to rub her. She gets up, says she is going to put music on her phone and go to the gym. I get up leave the house for about half an hour (drive around for a bit) come back and take shower, get dressed, and get my daughters clothing ready. I'm spending time with my daughter more.

I can tell she is upset about something, and I ask her. She says she does not like to sleep in bed with me because every time she does she feels like I want to do something. I do, once every 4 or 5 days or so. I admit that. I don't beg, but I touch. Usually the back, hips, occasionally her butt, but I don't want to be invasive so it is usually long enough for me to convey that I'm in the mood. She much did not like that I touched her breast (and I did not think I did, so this was really by accident.) I told her I was sorry about that I did not want her to feel uncomfortable. I also communicated to her that sex makes me feel connected and I'm starting to feel like I'm disconnected, she is pushing me away. She says she has no time to herself to go do things, no friends. (its a small post) I ask her how much time she need, like a whole saturday or a few hours, I can make that happen. I tell her we can do things together but that really does not equate to time alone.

The lack of sex is taxing emotionally.

I don't know what to do. 

When I'm in front of her, I have my game face on. When I'm away from her, sometimes I cry, it hurts.

And here I am contemplating affairs or divorce (and everything that goes along with it, including splitting the property, the potential to have another man around my child, et cetera) I choose not to have an affair because it is an easy way out and I understand the hurt. I choose not to have a divorce because I still love my family. 

Any suggestions? Should I just give up on sex and see what happens?


----------



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I would have a talk with her, find out what she likes and doesn't like. Find out if sex with you satisfies her, and if not what you can do to improve. Have you found out why she had the affairs were they for sex? or some other reason? That being said, I would also discuss with her the frequency issue, for some woman, once a week is perfectly satisfying, although men are different, maybe she would be open to satisfying you in other ways, with a HJ, BJ? Ask her, if she is open to that? Have a sexual discussion, no presssure, just ask a lot of questions to get to the bottom of it, she is still having sex with you, so you don't want to keep pressuring her and turn her off completely. (been there myself) if she feels like she is satisfied and doesn't understand why you are not, and you keep pressuring her, and she tells you that you are turning her off, she is being honest... so that is why i am suggesting a conversation. Ask her her desires sexually, is there anything you could do more, is there anything you should do less? Is there still romance in your relationship? Often, men go straight for the throat wtih regards to sex and there isn't much lead up after people have been married a bit and that can get old (as a female)..... so find out if that is an issue. Also let her know that your drive is higher, and that part of sexuality is her responsibility to ensure she feels sexy, if that means reading about sex, a sexy novel, or thinking about it more, to be more turned on.... and that you don't always wnat it if you rub her back, sometimes you just want to be close. Come up with some code word you can use initially, my dh and i did this and it ws nice, to know that sometimes he just wanted to make out.... with no obligation and often those times it gave me the ball to initiate if I wanted to, and i started to inititiate a lot more. But talk to her now.... she is still having sex with you once a week... read on here about the men who are not getting it for months because they didn't address the issues and continued to argue and then fight adn then their wives shut down completely! Dont' let that happen.


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Can you instead lengthen the time you push for it.. instead of every 4 to 5 days, make it two weeks? Give her a little more time to persue.. but not open ended? If you masturbate, up that to hold you over. I'm not dismissing your need for a connection with your wife, but it hasn't been that long since her lapse of judgement.. she may just be needing more time to come to peace with what's happened. 

Something similar is happening in our marriage, but its reversed and I'm the one who is still trying to process where our marriage is vs. where it has been. I would stick to once a week sex to appease my H, because I know he has needs.. but typically no more than that. It's been right at a year since the last incident that came inches away from ending our marriage, for the final time. And I feel like I'm finally getting to a point where I can really get into sex again with someone who hurt me so bad, someone I trusted before, but got hurt for doing that. I admittingly do not know how the betraying spouse processes what has happened, but I imagine its similar on some levels. My H (the betraying spouse) has been instrumental in my recovery too. Not just not betraying me.. but by showing true remorse. 

Just a thought and a ramble.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Yet another case of a cheating spouse making the loyal jump through hoops...should be reversed.


----------



## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

Live laugh, took your advice and talked to her after the gym. Really cleared a bunch of things up, and we even have a plan now for signaling each other. I'm understanding more of where she is coming from.

Cherry, no clue what she is processing, I imagine there may be some introspection. I don't ask much, because I don't want her to feel like a prisoner for her crimes, don't want her to relive it. That would be the anti-thesis of intimacy. And I was not the best husband. Does not excuse, but I accept part of the blame in the broken bonds.

sinnister, she and I are both jumping thru hopes in a way.  Its hard for us both, but I think we will be successful.

Thank you all for the guidance... I think it will help.


----------



## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

Just an update. The advice was well. I have had a couple frank discussions about frequency, likes, dislikes, and my motivations for sex. I will tell you that now, I am happy. Once a week is fine and I get other "services" in between then when I need/want pressure relief. For example, just the other day I asked her to come to the bathroom with me and she helped me while I did my thing, took five minutes but we were both happy with it. I'm good.

At some point today I'll post my story regarding the affairs in the coping thread, maybe my story will help others. Infidelity is destructive and it is hurtful, but for some it does not mean the end. Maybe I can offer hope for some.


----------

