# I dont know what to do anymore.



## dallasdv2007 (Apr 27, 2018)

So heres my situation. been married almost 3 years... together almost 6 years. we have a almost 3 year old son together and he has a 6 yr old son with his ex. When things are good they are good. but when its bad... holy hell. So back in January I offered to put my husbands phone on the charger next to me before he went to sleep and he instantly freaked out (red flag) of course i knew i had to go through it when he fell sleep and that's were i found text messages to his ex. he was *****ing about how horrible i am, and how he wanted her, and telling her all the things he wanted to do to her. I only saw a few messages that date back to the past few weeks because i did a text message recovery thing so not everything came back. 

Long story cut down a little, i punch him, woke him up and we had a long ass night fighting. found out these conversations were going on for the past year or more. This tore me up completely not only because he was talking to his sons mother for a year of our marriage but it was the whole year where we were struggling to connect, and i was constantly begging for us to do and try things to make us better. I had gone into a deep depression hating myself and who i have become because i had become so hateful towards him for not giving the attention i was begging and for not caring about my feelings and needs. sex was lacking, and i could see the hate in his eyes for me grow more and more each day which made me try so hard to change who i was as a person and pretty much become passive and try to let his short patience with me, attitude and lack of motivation to make me blow up and cause a fight. i blamed myself for him treating me this way. And all the while i was trying to figure out how to make our young marriage work and last the lifetime that i wanted, he was focusing his attention elsewhere, not to just some random person, but to his sons mother. Someone that I thought could possibly be a friend with. we talked on the phone all the time, texted, talked in person, she hugged me when i had a tubal pregnancy in September. so you can imagine my hate for her fakeness is beyond words. and I wish her a miserable life, for completely ruining mine.

Upon finding out, we fought. Everyday. It was bad. I was a wreck. he says nothing physical ever happened and it was all texting, but sometimes i don't believe it. I know i am naïve for trying to take his word. sad thing with when we got engaged... I had broke up with him the week before hand because of her. he had fake Facebook accounts and emails and was using it solely for her, and lied to my face about it and i ended it. now then i was stupid and hurting and i just wanted my boy friend back so i took him back, then he propose the next day. I said yes obviously, but also said if anything ever happens with her again i would leave no questions asked ( there were like 3 instances of some sort where she popped up our entire relationship before our break up/engagement). well here my stupid ass is... still with him after a huge betrayal. I have been in an extremely dark place and every day we would communicate and really try to make things better, and where i was seeming ok on the inside i was dying inside. 

still to this day, every alone minute i have I cry. back in march I had gone into some sort of black out state and had a few days where i just wanted to forget myself. I ended up cheating on him with a coworker, and i regret the entire thing. the coworker is no longer employed, he left the company the day after it had happened and we have not talked since. husband found out almost instantly. i am a horrible liar and cant keep secrets for ****. so there was a new fight to add to the list of fights going on. fast forward almost 2 months later and were are where i am today. still completely broken. still crying every day. still not knowing what to do and how to move on. I want to be with him. I love him. and even though i know what i did was wrong i feel his year long emotional affair was way worse than my one time thing and I'm really struggling to get over it. Ill be fine for a while but then it'd come time for him to have to pick up his son and i know he has so see and talk to her. i work during this time so i cant go with him. and i don't want to go with him because i am too embarrassed and ashamed and have so much hate that i would probably beat her ass if i see her face again.

every time i get in a bad mood all i see is the negative and for the life of me i cannot come up with one reason why i shouldn't throw in the towel and just leave him. he is a few months older than me but has no adult perspectives. i have to take charge in the household. unless i physically tell him, pay this bill today, get this at the grocery store, do a load of laundry, make an actual dinner for you and our 2 yr old, he wont do anything!! his child support leaves him unable to support us in anyway. so i have to work my ass off to support our family. if i don't pay bills they go unpaid. i have to be the mean parent when it comes to parenting. his son hates me because I am constantly telling him to stop pretending to shoot, kill, stab, run, jump etc. I'm tired of being the only one with goals or aspirations. i have asked and asked 1000 times for help. and hell do it for a few days then its back to a hell hole. sometimes i walk into a room and i just want to cry. its a never ending battle to try to keep up with bills, housework, raising my son... and now i have my husband calling me a ***** and accusing me of screwing multiple people just because i was trying to express to him that i was feeling insecure that he had to pick up his son today and knew he had to see her. 

I seriously don't know what to do. like i am so ready to just give up. this is not how i wanted my life to be. and i really though it was going to be great. but the more and more i think of it the more and more i realize its been ****ed from the beginning and i was just so stupid to believe it and leave. i don't want to lose my husband, and our family. i don't want to have my son not have his father in his household because of me. but i cannot physically and emotionally do this anymore. hes petty, I'm petty. our fights are bad, cold and harsh. like its all via text because we never see each other because of my work. like what should i do. does it sound like ive already made up my mind on leaving? or is there hope that i can move on from all this? any suggestions on ways to cope? I'm desperate here... ill take any advice.


----------



## Rushmore410 (Oct 4, 2017)

I know it's hard to come to the decision to end a marriage but frankly you both sound very broken. You need time to work on yourself and find out why you put up. With this kind of treatment for so long. I think you probably already know but sounds like divorce is the best option. If not very intense counciling would be my only other suggestion.

Sorry your dealing with this.


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

dallasdv2007 said:


> I seriously don't know what to do. like i am so ready to just give up. this is not how i wanted my life to be. and i really though it was going to be great. but the more and more i think of it the more and more i realize its been ****ed from the beginning and i was just so stupid to believe it and leave. i don't want to lose my husband, and our family. i don't want to have my son not have his father in his household because of me. but* i cannot physically and emotionally do this anymore.* hes petty, I'm petty. our fights are bad, cold and harsh. like its all via text because we never see each other because of my work. like what should i do. does it sound like ive already made up my mind on leaving? or is there hope that i can move on from all this? any suggestions on ways to cope? I'm desperate here... ill take any advice.


Wow. 

If this were me, I'd stop fighting. It feels good in the moment to get all the emotions out, but it doesn't help or heal the damage that's been done.

I wouldn't even bring up this specific situation with his ex-wife anymore, because the underlying problem is your husband's mindset and his heart - his complete lack of integrity.

He's committed to you (you're married), but he's not devoted to you (both feet in, focused on only you and your family unit, seeing you as special, pleasing himself by pleasing you, etc). 

Sooo, I would sit down with him during a period of non-conflict, face to face, (not through texting anymore), and talk to him about what _you need_ to stay in the marriage. Take some time to really work through what you need, and then be prepared to anchor yourself in that - meaning, _you have to follow through_ with whatever standards you set. 

This makes life really simple, but I totally understand that it's not easy.


----------



## georgieporgie (Apr 15, 2018)

Rushmore410 said:


> I know it's hard to come to the decision to end a marriage but frankly you both sound very broken


As Rushmore says, the decision to end a marriage doesn't depend just on the storyline, but more on how badly each of the spouses feels as a result of whatever. And it sounds like you definitely are finished, and I imagine your husbands behaviour is a result of him feeling the same way.

You could try counselling if you have the strength. 

So sorry...


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Wow. Why do you want to stay married to him after all the things going on between you too. Your love for him is not enough. He still loves his ex and you trying to do what exactly to get this marriage on good standing??

Too much water under the bridge. You guys have become toxic.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I may be crazy, but someone who punches a sleeping spouse is per se a horrible person.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

I think in a lot of cases, either husbands or wives use the excuse that it's not healthy to have kids grow in a situation where there's so much stress or anger, etc. The spouse that wants to leave, that is cheating, etc, usually uses this out to help cope with guilt. 

in THIS CASE, this is not an excuse. It will be better for the kids to grow up in a situation that sees this much torment, grief, anger and tension. Maybe there's a 1% of hope that you guys could eventually work this out but like you said, it's been f'd from the beginning and it's getting exponentially worse by the minute.

I would advise a plan to work on separation and then begin as much counseling as possible. Individual for sure but maybe even together to figure out why there's so much bad here when it gets bad. Not even so much to 'save' the marriage but save the two people involved in it.


----------



## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Sounds awful!! You have considered leaving so why not visit a lawyer and see how this would play out. You work and do everything else for the household so I believe you are ready. You say you love him BUT how thru all this mess? You can try marriage counseling-- if that doesn't help then you know what to do.


----------



## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> I may be crazy, but someone who punches a sleeping spouse is per se a horrible person.


Kind of a low blow. After all that she poured out you want to make it about her waking him up with a smack?

Take it context, I don't believe her statement about "punching" and waking up her husband to mean she wound up, hauled off and assaulted him. Sure, any kind of aggressive touching could be classified as assault but she just woke his butt up to confront a very serious issue she just learned about in the moment. Calling her horrible is just...mean.

Even if she did big time punch him to wake him up {which I'm not condoning or saying is OK} wouldn't make her a horrible person absent a lot of additional abusive details. It was her discovery day and she's human and he's lucky she didn't do worse. If there was any way wayward spouses could actually know what their betrayed spouse were thinking and feeling around discovery day, they'd sleep elsewhere or with one eye open. 

OP sorry you are here. My recommendation is to talk to an attorney and figure out whether you would be able to move far away with your son should you end up divorced. Hold that card near to your chest and then try to have an adult conversation with your husband {I assume he doesn't want another ex-wife he has to pay child support to} and insist to your husband, that if you and him are going to make it, he must go to "no contact for life" with his ex-wife. Achieving that might be challenging and it may require that you and him move a reasonable distance away from his ex and try to get his visitation modified to more time over holidays and more time over summer and less constant weekly visitations requiring exchanges. Simply put, for your marriage to work there must a firm boundary that his ex-wife is out and he doesn't see or speak to her at all. That's a tough boundary to erect and he probably won't agree at first so you'll need to be strong, be ready to separate {start preparing now} as means of demonstrating just how serious you are. It's his choice to agree or not to such a reasonable and necessary boundary essential to your marriage's survival. The ex won't like it. Your step son might not like it but the days can be evened out and sometimes "vacation dad" over several weeks is better than weekly interruptions and hurried stressful short bursts of visitation. You don't have to sacrifice your life, your peace, your security and your sanity so your husband can keep "visiting" his ex-wife. Plenty of divorced people don't live near each other and "no contact" is the only way your marriage/family will survive. 

That's step one to any kind of chance at working at any other issues in your relationship. 

***notice how separation worked for the ex. He doesn't like giving up things. Since you do everything else in the house, you're going to also have to teach him how to treat you, OR he'll lose you.


----------

