# Desperate for divorce but my wife does not agree



## Desperate Times (May 17, 2021)

Hi there, sorry for the long post but really stuck in a bind and need to get this off my chest.

I have been married for ten years, a few months after getting married my wife fell pregnant. To be honest shortly after getting married I realized it was a mistake (pressure was put on me by my wife to marry, I was in two minds at the time). Around that time my wife fell pregnant – I was 30 at the time and kids were the last thing on my mind, I had never wanted kids and didn't want them at that stage, but my wife didn't want to abort so had no choice in the matter

I tried to be a good father, though the relationship with my wife was generally bad (I wanted to leave the marriage and felt trapped in it and that thought was always in my mind, and I think my wife knew this). Sex was very infrequent and we were emotionally detached, and 3 years later had another child which was again unexpected / unplanned.

I took some individual counselling for around six months around what to do in this situation – I desperately wanted to get divorced and take the chance to find someone else while I was relatively young, but the guilt of upsetting the kids always held me back. Discussed this with the counsellor other many months. (My wife wouldn't come to couples counselling as she wanted a counsellor in her native language which wasn't available so I just went for one to one counselling myself) .

Started an open conversation with my wife about our relationship to the tune of can we reconcile or should we divorce (she previously asked about getting divorced several times in the past but I always shut down the conversation as I said we should stay together for the children – to be honest I didn't want to upset the children, didn't want to dreg up all the pain and drama involved in divorce and didn't want to devastate my parents who are very close to my kids so always shut her down – but I desperately dreamed of being divorced and starting my new life).

The outcome of several months of conversation was my wife thought we should get divorced and no way for us to reconcile (which I agreed on, but still hesitated to do it because of not wanting to hurt kids and all the pain and rigmarole involved .

Anyway at the time was in process of moving to her native country which we did, 1.5 years later finally decided enough was enough and said lets really do it.

However she had since changed her mind and no longer agreed to getting divorced – not because our relationship improved, I think she just realizes that her life would be easier with me as she is a housewife and hasn't worked for ten years and being a single mother is tough, so she wont accept a divorce (and I cant force her where we live now, and moving back to England its still hard / long winded to force a divorce if she doesn't agree).

I want to meet someone and move on emotionally and financially , but still being married puts a massive damper on ability to date, and she refuses to accept divorce.

Am in a real dilemma, don't really know what to do. The only thing I can think to force her is to cut off the money – but technically she could get child and spousal support enforced through courts, and I would still be powerless to divorce. So my only option is to cut off and if the courts get involved literally I would have to disappear / walk out.

Don`t know what to do – I am desperate to get divorced, don`t want to wait years (want to start new relationships and I don't want to drag the financial settlement longer) but I think without disappearing to cut off any money trail there is nothing I can do.

Of course disappearing is so tragic for the kids so really don`t want to do that, but feel I am left with no choice. I did use it as a threat before but she took no notice. This has now dragged on around 1.5 years.

Any advice for this whole mess appreciated - I feel the last ten years of my life has been a disaster and desperate to reset before too late.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

This is pretty simple but not what you want to hear.

It takes 2 to say “I do”
It takes 2 to make a child
Unplanned pregnancy is your fault
Your wife has planned better than you.
You are only a victim of your own bad choices

Good luck finding a “life reset” button.... you have been digging your own grave for too long.

Look at the bright side, Japan is an amazing place to be.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

the first thing i would do since you really do not want kids is to get a vasectomy, honestly i am surprised you did not think of that when you got married if you had decided then but right now you should. second of all you need to get a game plan ready to get her back into the work life and you help more about raising your son, so by the time he is old enough you can move on. in the mean time you need to figure out a relationship between the two of you that would work.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Have you posted before about this? That’s a very familiar story.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Abandoning your children and leaving them without a penny would be a dreadful thing to do. They are your responsibility as much as hers. 
I hope you don't go down that road. 
Are you already dating other women?


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Are you already dating other women?


In other words, are you already cheating on your wife and child?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Sex was very infrequent and we were emotionally detached, and 3 years later had another child which was again unexpected / unplanned.

If a woman isn't on birth control she wants to get pregnant. 

Look man talk to an attorney. Make a plan. The longer you stay the more alimony she gets. The clock is ticking.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So, you had two children you didn't want with a wife you didn't want and moved to her native country. Now, after ten years you decide you really do need to follow your gut instincts and rid yourself of this woman. You don't even listen to yourself, why would anyone believe that you would listen to advice let alone act on it?


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## Desperate Times (May 17, 2021)

Thanks Lostinthought61 some good advice on both points - agreed that getting her back into work life is a crucial step. To clarify I have talked to an attorney on several occasions, and unfortunately nothing I can do at all (if one / both of us moves countries that could change).

I moved into a separate apartment early last year, I have dated but still being married often causes issues. Agreed that need to get this done as alimony goes on - the problem is I have no way to proceed.

Dropping my job in Japan and moving back to my home country to divorce could work divorce wise after 2 years, but due to job and Covid moving is not so easy to do either.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Desperate Times said:


> I have dated but still being married often causes issues.


Imagine that. 

Please, divorce her quickly so she can find someone who actually loves her.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

To be blunt, please don’t say you’re concerned for the kids, you clearly state you never wanted them anyway. 

Removing yourself and being an absent father will be a gift to them. 

Go date and don’t marry anyone, and don’t reproduce ever again. 

Sorry you feel so trapped, what a terrible wife to trap you, steal your sperm and make you move countries. 

Go out and date, you should be happy! Don’t move back to your country either, stay in Japan, the women are so beautiful and submissive and put up with crap... Just like your wife 😊


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## Yoni (Feb 7, 2021)

Sounds like my husband story he were a mistake make a girl pregnant in a high school and he stay that relationship for responsibility for children and he were unhappy stay for 17 years and finally he get out and meet me and remarried again. 

If ur unhappy you will always finding reason to leave. The wasting ur time. Life only short. And don't wasting her time either...
My husband already 35 he is happy to get out of relationship with her and finally he became stable. 

Children is important but the truth is u will leave sooner or later.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Sorry OP, you get no sympathy from me. 

You made your bed. You now lie in it. Just don't have more kids with your girl friends that date married men.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

All I hear in your post are excuses and justifications and complete lack of ownership (everything happened to you, none of it was your fault, you had no say or control over anything).

Stop acting like a powerless victim and take some ownership over your circumstances and your life. Everything is a choice, there are always options (even if they’re not all always good ones) and you are ultimately responsible for everything that happens to you and how you deal with it.

Stop finding all the reasons to stay stuck and complaining. Start looking at your situation objectively, define your desired end-state and start mapping your actions to it.
Maybe you can’t get to an ideal solution in the short term. fine, then figure out what actions you can take now to at least move you in the right direction and start improving your situation incrementally. Lay out a short/medium term plan and start doing instead of complaining.

You say you tried to be a good husband and father at first. Maybe you tried but I highly doubt you were acting as an effective leader in your relationship. The complete lack of ownership of your situation from your post indicates that you’re not even leaving yourself, so how could you be leading your wife?
If divorce really is as difficult as you indicate, you might want to try reinvesting in your marriage and start providing actual leadership in your relationship, and see if that improves anything.

And if not, removing financial support may be the only way to force her to accept a divorce, in order to get alimony/child support. Just don’t abandon your children (financially or otherwise).


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