# How do i make husband stop calling me insulting names when he's mad?



## credamdóchasgra

Before you ask, yes, we are in counseling. Been in it for a month exactly.
Tonight it was "petty little wench."
It's been "b**ch," etc...
It happens when he is angry. After we've been fighting. I hate it.
How do I get him to stop this destructive behavior?


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## misspuppy

you have to remember in the "heat of the moment" anything can be said, out of anger, that is not an excuse, and it can hurt, but, alot of times humans dont know how to express certain anger, so they use cuss works.. imagine this, if you can..

When you say the "F" word, how does your mouth feel? hard and tight right? Well, when you are angry, usually, your mouth ( along with other parts of the body) are tense and tight too.. so, those words are forced out? does that make sense? 

The thing I learned with my hubby is that the "words" he uses when are just that, words, and are expressing his anger, NOT the way he feels about you? Does that make sense?

In our relationship, ( we have been married for 8 yrs and 7 months), we use words pretty loosely around here, IE, when i am on my cycle he calls me a "*****" or "Wench" i know when he says that he is reacting to what i am going thru, NOT me as a person.. the "cycle" is making me one.

I hope this all makes some sort of sense.. 

Of course, i also grew up in a pretty open family and those words were used alot, even in everyday talk, was i offended.. NOPE, because, they are WORDS, they are not to be taken personal.
*IF* it were me, i would try to pin point when he uses those words? Like if you are on your cycle and screaming in pain due to a cramp, then he is explaining what you are going thru not you.


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## soconfused375

I am not sure exactly how to fix your problem. I am glad to see that I am not the only one with that problem. My fiance and I fight a lot lately. (Thats why i came to this site) When he gets mad he calls me all kinds of hurtful names. Things like b****, annoying, psycho, pain in the a**, and so on. I don't agree that they are just words. A lot of true feelings come out when people are arguing. That is why a small amount of arguing is healthy in a relationship. But there is a differance between being argumenative and cruel. When you tell them it is hurtful that usually just leads to more name calling. Right? I am sorry I can't really be of any help but just know you aren't the only one and I will be following the replies you get on this and if I do come up with a solution to this I will most definately fill you in. Good luck and hang in there.


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## greenpearl

My husband won't call me bad names, he gets upset over me if I say something annoying . In order not to upset him, I have learned what he doesn't like to hear and the things he doesn't want me to do, so I just watch out what I say and don't get him mad, and don't do things which upset him. 

I don't like to see an upset husband. A MAD MAN, HELL NO!!!


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## BigBadWolf

With any conflict, if you allow words to have power over you, then they are effective. 

Any opponent will not stop using what is effective against their adversary, instead the opponent will escalate what works. 

This is the way life is.

The solution, to not let these words have the effect that they do.

If these words are innacurate, they are of course in this case meaningless and therefore should not have power over you.

If these words contain truth, or worse even just a grain of truth, they are rousing inside you feelings of guilt, shame, etc. For this, it will not be possible for any opponent to stop using what is devastingly effective. 

In this case, identify whatever is the grain of truth and fix these things.

Do not be a b**ch, if being called this is hurtful.

Do not be a petty little wench, if being called this would be hurtful.

Otherwise, if these issues are deeper, which I suspect they are, then the real issues need to be addressed.

The real issues of resentment, lack of respect, and self control.

If there are these in the relationship, find them and fix them.

Then, these name calling issues, will not be any problem.

I wish you well.


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## misspuppy

BigBadWolf said:


> With any conflict, if you allow words to have power over you, then they are effective.
> 
> Any opponent will not stop using what is effective against their adversary, instead the opponent will escalate what works.
> 
> This is the way life is.
> 
> The solution, to not let these words have the effect that they do.
> 
> If these words are innacurate, they are of course in this case meaningless and therefore should not have power over you.
> 
> If these words contain truth, or worse even just a grain of truth, they are rousing inside you feelings of guilt, shame, etc. For this, it will not be possible for any opponent to stop using what is devastingly effective.
> 
> In this case, identify whatever is the grain of truth and fix these things.
> 
> Do not be a b**ch, if being called this is hurtful.
> 
> Do not be a petty little wench, if being called this would be hurtful.
> 
> Otherwise, if these issues are deeper, which I suspect they are, then the real issues need to be addressed.
> 
> The real issues of resentment, lack of respect, and self control.
> 
> If there are these in the relationship, find them and fix them.
> 
> Then, these name calling issues, will not be any problem.
> 
> I wish you well.


:iagree:


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## credamdóchasgra

Thanks for your replies. Yes it only happens when he is very mad and after we've been fighting. Just like i only do certain things after we've been fighting. I actually felt ablot better after we discusse d it, because he understood why I don't want to be called such disrespectful names and he said he's committed to looking inward and figuring out why he let's himself resort to it when he's mad and he sincerely apologized---just like I am committed to figuring out how to stop resorting to the behaviors that he doesn't like. To me they are words, but ugly intentionally hurtful words. I know I am not those things and that he doesn't really believe I am and that he doesn't mean it. But it still ruptures intimacy and conveys contempt instead of love. It still takes a toll. Our real underlying issues have to do with respect and the fact that we are entrenched in a power struggle. I need to be respected by him and when I feel that I'm not, a fight ensues. We are trying to deal with stuff better---in counseling "imago" style. But how long will it take before things really start to change?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra

Btw...
I'm on my iPhone. Hence the grammatical errors and lack of paragraphs. I'm s stickler for grammar and readability, so please excuse me.
Next time, regular keyboard. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable

Mad or not, it's childish and inappropriate. I just would walk away the second the argument escalates to name calling. He'll figure out pretty soon that the price of having a conversation with you is that he'll do so as an adult. Nobody sane babbles like an idiot to themselves. Don't like the way he communicates with you? Refuse to participate in ugly or childish conversations. You could always tell him as you're walking away that you'll be happy to continue when he grows up and gets out of the sandbox. Being mad is ok, but being disrespectful is not.


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## Bluemoon7

There is a reason for the phrase "fighting fair," and I don't think insults and name calling complies with that. It is disrespectful and not how you should talk to someone you supposedly love and want to share your life.

After a fight when he says something unacceptable, you should discuss what he did to offend you and let him know that is not treatment you'll accept. Something like, "while we were arguing you called me a c*** and that is not something I will tolerate being called." It's important he learn to control his anger so he can be fair in arguments. Words can be powerful and the wrong ones can leave deep scars.


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## credamdóchasgra

Yeah. I know it's immature and he needs to learn to stop himself and be respectful even when he's frustrated. 
Last night when we discussed it, I genuinely felt like he "got it," he apologized sincerely and agreed that it is wrong and inappropriate, but it needs to stop. 
I guess our goal is to prevent ourselves from becoming that overheated enough to say or do things that are destructive.

The question is, once I truly say to myself "it's not about me" (his resorting to namecalling and cussing when he's mad), what's next?
I honestly feel like that is an important step and statement FOR ME----it helps me to not feel hurt by it, and not take it into myself. His name-calling = his problem. 
But will that somehow push him to take ownership of working to eliminate it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable

It is about you. It's disrespectful to you and you determine how others treat you. If you excuse it as "he's just mad and it's not about me", then you allow him to get away with disrespecting you. Disrespect, once tolerated, gets worse and shows up more frequently and in other ways. Set the boundaries early and then jealously guard them. You treat him like a human being and you demand the same consideration for yourself.


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## AliceA

credamdóchasgra said:


> Thanks for your replies. Yes it only happens when he is very mad and after we've been fighting. Just like i only do certain things after we've been fighting. I actually felt ablot better after we discusse d it, because he understood why I don't want to be called such disrespectful names and he said he's committed to looking inward and figuring out why he let's himself resort to it when he's mad and he sincerely apologized---just like I am committed to figuring out how to stop resorting to the behaviors that he doesn't like. To me they are words, but ugly intentionally hurtful words. I know I am not those things and that he doesn't really believe I am and that he doesn't mean it. But it still ruptures intimacy and conveys contempt instead of love. It still takes a toll. Our real underlying issues have to do with respect and the fact that we are entrenched in a power struggle. I need to be respected by him and when I feel that I'm not, a fight ensues. We are trying to deal with stuff better---in counseling "imago" style. But how long will it take before things really start to change?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Change can be immediate. People just have to make the choice.


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## Alexandra

Even if there is no nicer insults than others, I would make a list of words from the less hurting to the worst and agree on those words and their meanings in the context of a fight. 

Then I would put them in categories which will correspond to a reaction from your side. The worst category would be the inexcusable one, the insult of this category if said would have the worst consequence on him (i.e. if he says the b...h word, he would sleep on the sofa for 3 nights...).
It may look a little childish but it is a good way to make them understand that even if it is so easy to insult because of their bad temper and their intellectual laziness to find a better word, the outcome can also have the respective consequences.

And it could become a nice little game to write this list together and maybe it would just be enough to cure him.


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## toolate

Alexandra said:


> Even if there is no nicer insults than others, I would make a list of words from the less hurting to the worst and agree on those words and their meanings in the context of a fight.
> 
> Then I would put them in categories which will correspond to a reaction from your side. The worst category would be the inexcusable one, the insult of this category if said would have the worst consequence on him (i.e. if he says the b...h word, he would sleep on the sofa for 3 nights...).
> It may look a little childish but it is a good way to make them understand that even if it is so easy to insult because of their bad temper and their intellectual laziness to find a better word, the outcome can also have the respective consequences.
> 
> And it could become a nice little game to write this list together and maybe it would just be enough to cure him.


I like this advice, however, if he is not able to see what he does, then he will scoff at this system. If he has gotten away with it this long he has to first unlearn that it is ok before he will be able to accept responisbility and the emotional (or couch) consequences for his choices. My husband would look at me and say you go sleep on the couch bc he feels he hasnt said anything wrong.

I am reading Back from the Looking Glass and other articles written by the author to learn how to reteach my husband it is not acceptable to act like a child and get away with it (or nasty hurtful words, reverse blame, deflecting etc). Even if there is no physical abuse in your marriage, it is helpful to learn tools of not allowing certain things from your spouse. The biggest lesson is that telling a spouse who resorts to these name calling etc tactics, actually allows it to continue! It gives them a reaction. The only response is along the lines of "Im walking away from this exchange and give you some time (to cool off, think about things) and in 20 minutes Ill come back and see if we are ready to try again." Its very hard to do with someone who is very crafty with words and pulling you in.


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## credamdóchasgra

Thanks again everyone...
Unbelievable, when I said it's not about me, I just meant that he's the one who has to own that it is his mistake, and that I'm not the cause of it. Not that I'm accepting it. Obviously I know it's disrespectful and I don't want it in my marriage, or I wouldn't be bringing the concerns to marriage counseling and a support forum.
I can only do so much to control another person's behavior. Walking away makes sense, but usually he wants to walk away before it gets to that point, and Im the one who wants us to keep discussing something. By the time he's at cussing or namecalling stage, it is out of control already.
Also....I know this doesn't sound good...but his apology yesterday was the most sincere it's ever been in this situation. Maybe that's the best I'm gonna get for now, and it shows that he cares.
I.e., maybe it's a step. His rational mind can decide not to do something, but that's not the part of the brain that's in control in the heat of anger. Not excusing him, just being realistic about when to expect something.
Believe me.....I am doing the best I can without letting his mistakes take over my
own mind day in and day out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102

Name calling is just like a parent losing it and hitting their kid-it means you have lost control of yourself and indicates that you don't have many creative ways to solve a problem. Yes, it is good that you are in counseling, but he should get counseling himself for anger management-before you have to start making excuses for him to your family and friends as to where those black and blue marks are coming from!


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