# Privacy



## Nick0514 (Oct 19, 2016)

Does privacy exist in a marriage? (Phones, Passwords, social media accounts etc.)


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Nick0514 said:


> Does privacy exist in a marriage? (Phones, Passwords, social media accounts etc.)


It does in mine. There are no infidelity issues however. 



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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

why would you need it?
I have nothing to hide against my partner (although my ex-wife hid her excess credit card spending , and my recent partner hid that she didn't really care for me)


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Nick0514 said:


> Does privacy exist in a marriage? (Phones, Passwords, social media accounts etc.)


This question will receive varied answers.

In my marriage, there are no secrets or hidden accounts. This includes TAM.

As I am sure others will say, privacy is for the bathroom; lock the door if you want it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Nick0514 said:


> Does privacy exist in a marriage? (Phones, Passwords, social media accounts etc.)


Not in mine. I don't have anything to hide so no reason to need it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Neither of us has ever asked for a password. 

I hide some stuff - like what I post on TAM. I assume she hides some stuff, I don't know or care what.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Generally, privacy is for hiding things.

I can only see desiring privacy in marriage for



farsidejunky said:


> the bathroom; lock the door if you want it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I guess I feel like I'm entitled to have a private conversation with one of my girlfriends, my sister or my kids.

I wouldn't expect to be able to listen to every conversation my hb has with his best friend.

The no privacy in marriage thing can get a little over the top.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

sixty-eight said:


> Generally, privacy is for hiding things.


Crap, browser died and I lost a long post. Probably for the better, too much detail about masturbatory habits. 

Point was, there is a difference between privacy and secrecy, and it can be a gray area.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I guess I feel like I'm entitled to have a private conversation with one of my girlfriends, my sister or my kids.
> 
> I wouldn't expect to be able to listen to every conversation my hb has with his best friend.
> 
> ...


I don't intrude on those things either, LITS.

However, if she ever asked to see the conversations (or vice versa), they would be shown without hesitation. 

It is not so much the act of looking as much as it is the willingness to show.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Neither of us seem to be all that interested in poking in each other's privacy.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I think some just take it too far. I guess I could understand wanting more transparency if there's infidelity involved but if there isn't then why does someone need to be checking phones, email, FB? It seems controlling to me. And shows lack of self esteem and lack of trust. 

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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

We have no secrets in our marriage so if he wants to pick up my phone and look at who I've been texting or calling..no biggie. 

Vice Versa

However, even when married, some privacy issues DO come into affect when using the bathroom. Believe me..I don't even want to KNOW what goes on while he's in there!!!

I'll just leave it at that...


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Nick0514 said:


> Does privacy exist in a marriage? (Phones, Passwords, social media accounts etc.)


In my opinion, there should be no expectation of privacy in a marriage. There are no locked phones or computers or private going out in our marriage, we are both open books.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm generally one for the "privacy in marriage is closing the door when you go to the bathroom", that said, I have no problem with my husband keeping the confidence of a mate if asked to do so, nor does he in reverse. 

Neither of us would keep something about ourselves, from the other if that makes sense.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nick0514 said:


> Does privacy exist in a marriage? (Phones, Passwords, social media accounts etc.)


To anyone citing privacy concerns to justify dealing w/ his or her spouse in any way that isn't as magnanimous as possible, I say this: 

What you're talking about isn't privacy -- it's _secrecy_.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Nick0514 said:


> Does privacy exist in a marriage? (Phones, Passwords, social media accounts etc.)


 Since your privacy question was specially directed at things such as "Phones, Passwords, social media accounts etc.", the answers is a clear no, there should be no expectation of privacy from your spouse. I could not imagine not giving my wife free access to my phone and accounts, or her not giving me such access. It really is no big deal. I do not even know how to say no to such a question.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Privacy:


















Respect:


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

There's a big difference between privacy and secrecy.

I respect my husband's privacy and don't go through his phone reading his texts or emails etc. His phone isn't password protected and his Facebook account is always logged in on his laptop, so nothing is _not _accessible. He doesn't take his phone in the bathroom with him or sleep with it trying to keep it away from me. He leaves it laying all over the house and needs help finding it half the time. So if he's trying to hide something, he REALLY REALLY sucks at it. :rofl:

Same with me and my phone and social media accounts. Nothing is hidden or password protected where he couldn't see it if he _wanted _to. It's a matter of respecting my privacy, is all (and the fact that he'd be so bored he'd fall into a coma reading the texts between me and my sisters or my friends). LOL.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

For us it is a yes and no answer to the question. We openly share everything, even conversations we have with close friends are shared between us later. Not because we pry into each others business, but because we talk to each ALOT. As far as passwords/accounts/etc.. we know each other's because in general we use the same passwords. This started because my wife always had to reset her passwords as she would forget them. So I gave her a couple of mine to use. Now when she asks I say try this one and if that is not it try that one. Financial sites have variations of the same base password, but all social sites are one of two we use. 

Both of us will ask whichever is closer to read and respond when one gets a text. So you never know which of us is actually holding the phone. This really confuses some folks, they can't understand how/why we would be so open about it. LOL

For the record we hid nothing from each other. She has several guys that text her seductively and I have several girls that text me. No texts are deleted and hidden from each other. Just this morning she had me send her one of her thong pics so she could send it to guy. our lifestyle is not for everyone, but we have ZERO issues with it.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

happy2gether said:


> So I gave her a couple of mine to use. Now when she asks I say try this one and if that is not it try that one. Financial sites have variations of the same base password, but all social sites are one of two we use.


Not very secure. I really recommend a password manager for strong and totally *unique* passwords for all sites. We use 1Password. I have her "master" password and she mine. The passwords look like this ElIJ{NiYlL9DZeq5{9tezlmis.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

CharlieParker said:


> Not very secure. I really recommend a password manager for strong and totally *unique* passwords for all sites. We use 1Password. I have her "master" password and she mine. The passwords look like this ElIJ{NiYlL9DZeq5{9tezlmis.


yeah for financial sites it is a strong password with variations based on the site. similar to what you posted, containing special characters and mixed capitalization. we don't use the same password at different financial sites, nor are they the same or based on our social site passwords. I don't like password encryption vault programs, because hey what is THEY get hacked? So we have a few we use and a coding system that sort of ties it to that particular site as a way for us to remember which variation it is. 

for the social sites, who cares. nothing we have on fb/TAM/etc.... is enough to mess us up.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

I have never asked for his phone/computer/FB passwords, he has never asked for mine. I really don't see it as necessary, we are adults and don't need to be monitored.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

I have never had anything to hide and would often leave me laptop signed in. I didn't even hide the fact that I had my own bank account because I knew one day I would leave. But, prior to me leaving last month, he put all sorts of spyware and keyloggers on my computer. He also remotely accessed it while sitting at the same table with me and then denied it. I had nothing to hide, but I totally felt violated when he did this (and it wasn't the first time he had done it).


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> This question will receive varied answers.
> 
> In my marriage, there are no secrets or hidden accounts. This includes TAM.
> 
> As I am sure others will say, privacy is for the bathroom; lock the door if you want it.


Same here. 

Also, we have one bathroom and kids. Locking the door when showering is seen as a d*uchebag move unless you can be in and out in under 15 minutes.



lifeistooshort said:


> I guess I feel like I'm entitled to have a private conversation with one of my girlfriends, my sister or my kids.
> 
> I wouldn't expect to be able to listen to every conversation my hb has with his best friend.
> 
> ...


I have told everyone I talk to that if they are talking to me they must understand that they are also talking to DH because even if he isn't around when the conversation happens, I'll be giving him the Cliff's Notes later. :laugh:

We've always been that way. In early years, we'd relay things to each other and ask the other's thoughts and opinions. In later years, we started to skip the middleman and just put friends and family on speaker (with their permission).



tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I think some just take it too far. I guess I could understand wanting more transparency if there's infidelity involved but if there isn't then why does someone need to be checking phones, email, FB? It seems controlling to me. And shows lack of self esteem and lack of trust.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


It's not like we check each others phones and social media due to some lack of trust or desire to control. We've just always naturally shared each others devices and email, FB, etc. 

For example, if DH happened to be thinking about contacting a friend, he might grab and use my phone or tablet because it is the nearest device. If I were watching a YouTube video on how to wrap Clapton coils for my box mod (vape device) and my battery died, I'd grab his phone and finish the video. If he wants to read my FB or forums posts out of curiosity or just plain boredom or I want to go through his email to see if a rebate we sent in has been processed yet, we just do that.

ETA: Someone upthread mentioned checking texts or emails that get sent to the other spouse's phone while they are busy. We do that, too. Whoever happens to be nearest a device when the notification sounds picks it up and checks it. If it's a text sent to DH from Friend, for example, I'd hollar out "Hey, Friend texted you. He said blah blah blah."


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

My husband's phone is work issued and requires password protection. I know the password just from seeing him log in but I've never been on it. Mine is password protected as well. I recently changed it after giving him the password (he wanted to change music in my car when I was driving -Bluetooth). I don't want him to know about TAM. I think he'd flip out. I know where he keeps his log in information at for all accounts. I doubt that he knows where I keep mine and he's never inquired. I doubt that he cares. Many, many years ago there was an incident at our house. I was noticing a trend of him taking vacation days or calling off. I believed that he was doing it to drink and play video games all day long. I was just tired of it. So, when he was gone I logged into his pc and discovered lots of porn dated and time stamped exactly on those days. 1 video disturbed me. I think this was when I realized he had addictions and it was more than alcohol. I confronted and he absolutely flipped out over me being on his pc and "snooping ". Told me to never, ever do it again or else we'd be done. I never did. 

So, I guess you can say that we're both keeping secrets (but his aren't really secrets anymore). 

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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

prunus said:


> I have never had anything to hide and would often leave me laptop signed in. I didn't even hide the fact that I had my own bank account because I knew one day I would leave. But, prior to me leaving last month, *he put all sorts of spyware and keyloggers on my computer.* He also remotely accessed it while sitting at the same table with me and then denied it. I had nothing to hide, but *I totally felt violated *when he did this (and it wasn't the first time he had done it).


I am not surprised. I would find these acts extremely controlling, and possibly even abusive. I do not see how people can stay with partners who do this sort of thing.

So glad you are divorcing him!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> My husband's phone is work issued and requires password protection. I know the password just from seeing him log in but I've never been on it. Mine is password protected as well. I recently changed it after giving him the password (he wanted to change music in my car when I was driving -Bluetooth). I don't want him to know about TAM. I think he'd flip out. I know where he keeps his log in information at for all accounts. I doubt that he knows where I keep mine and he's never inquired. I doubt that he cares. Many, many years ago there was an incident at our house. I was noticing a trend of him taking vacation days or calling off. I believed that he was doing it to drink and play video games all day long. I was just tired of it. So, when he was gone I logged into his pc and discovered lots of porn dated and time stamped exactly on those days. 1 video disturbed me. I think this was when I realized he had addictions and it was more than alcohol. I confronted and he absolutely flipped out over me being on his pc and "snooping ". Told me to never, ever do it again or else we'd be done. I never did.
> 
> So, I guess you can say that we're both keeping secrets (but his aren't really secrets anymore).
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


When DH had a work phone I had the password to it because he'd often get calls or texts while showering in the morning. He is a truck driver and usually, those calls or texts were to change delivery times or locations and were time sensitive.

We have separate computers, but the same password and use each other's computers interchangeably, too. Porn has never been a problem because, I was interested in what he found hot or interesting. He's always been open to talking about his kinks and quirks, even the dark things he wouldn't act on irl. Honestly, I'd feel disconnected and hurt if DH didn't want to share his entire sexuality with me. I wouldn't be able to be happy in a marriage where my spouse would consider it possible for one of us to snoop on the other.

Like anything else, to each his or her own.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I've never felt the need for privacy from my husband...he's never felt he needed it from me either.... we are both naturally "open book" types I guess....we enjoy the sharing....it's something we both treasure in the other... 

Because of this, we've never felt the need to "snoop" or question the other.. I can't imagine how I would feel in a marriage if I felt my husband was withholding something from me... if I had this sneaking feeling.. or he felt I was too intrusive with asking how he felt or things like this.. I wouldn't care for that.. it would get very old.. I longed for a man who wanted to KNOW my world and share it with me.. I did find this in life.. 

I greatly appreciate those who have a desire & want for what I call a "willing transparency".... this is nothing forced (never experienced that).... it is just "given" because we love...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I've never felt the need for privacy from my husband...he's never felt he needed it from me either.... we are both naturally "open book" types I guess....we enjoy the sharing....it's something we both treasure in the other...
> 
> Because of this, we've never felt the need to "snoop" or question the other.. I can't imagine how I would feel in a marriage if I felt my husband was withholding something from me... if I had this sneaking feeling.. or he felt I was too intrusive with asking how he felt or things like this.. I wouldn't care for that.. it would get very old.. I longed for a man who wanted to KNOW my world and share it with me.. I did find this in life..
> 
> I greatly appreciate those who have a desire & want for what I call *a "willing transparency".... this is nothing forced *(never experienced that).... it is just "given" because we love...


Totally agree with the bolded. 

I cannot imagine my marriage without transparency, and cannot imagine that transparency ever being anything but voluntary and heartfelt.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jld said:


> Totally agree with the bolded.
> 
> I cannot imagine my marriage without transparency, and cannot imagine that transparency ever being anything but voluntary and heartfelt.


I do not feel I could be with someone who didn't understand this "voluntary" and heartfelt" way of being - and WANT THIS IN RETURN.... this aspect often gets lost in these discussions.. without this, it's hard to tell if a couple will be on the same page in such things.. because their "bar" on their rights to privacy may be different over the other....2 different mindsets.....

Speaking of passwords... I have a binder packed full of all the usernames /passwords from this forum/ all my forums, both our Facebooks, every email account (his & mine).... paypal, ebay, our credit cards, etc etc....any & every website we have used so we won't forget them & in the event of one of us kicking the bucket.. all of this is at our fingertips... to me this is just about being organized.. I don't even give it a thought that I need to have some sort of privacy from him. 



> *MJJEAN said*: Porn has never been a problem because, I was interested in what he found hot or interesting. He's always been open to talking about his kinks and quirks, even the dark things he wouldn't act on irl. Honestly, I'd feel disconnected and hurt if DH didn't want to share his entire sexuality with me. I wouldn't be able to be happy in a marriage where my spouse would consider it possible for one of us to snoop on the other.


I feel the same on this.. I want to know what turns him on... I seek this out..... my husband enjoys his websites with naked beauties...(there was a time I complained about this.. when I was going to church every week but even then.. I KNEW about it).. 

I have the password for the website he downloads this stuff.. some would probably shriek over sharing that with their wives, or be put in the doghouse.... I'm much better with the honesty on such things... he's actually very tame with his tastes, and I look at Romantic porn online every once in a while, we watch it together...


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