# Stuck in a rut. How do you communicate YOUR needs?



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I've posted about some of our struggles, but we are still in the same house, and we both want things to get better. I've put my insecurities behind me and am working on letting go of the past and trusting him and moving forward. However, I do have bad days. I wake up in a "down" mood, and I just feel a little depressed about things being the way they are. Maybe he forgets to send me my morning text, and then I feel a little unloved. Silly, I know. I'm trying to put on my big girl panties and get over things like this.  

Why doesn't he understand that I will have bad days? He takes it so personally. It's like 2 steps back. He asks what's wrong over and over again, and I reply that I had a rough day, and I'm feeling down, but it's nothing to make an issue of. He keeps asking and then makes me promise not to bring it up later if something is bothering me because then he'll be frustrated. I tell him, it isn't about him, I just feel down. He takes it personally, and then takes it like I want him to leave me along, which I never said! So, I, whose love language is physical touch and quality time, needs MORE hugs and kisses and hand holding and he's doing less because he things I want him to leave me alone. Ugh. Then I feel worse. I tried to communicate that to him and he responded weird.

This all started Friday evening, yesterday he was here in the morning and then took our son to Monster Jam all day. We texted a bit where he said "Sorry you are so miserable. I wish I could make things better. I just can't make you happy." I responded that I wished he wouldn't take things personally. He will communicate via text but not when he got home. So today we acted semi normal, but I did try to communicate to him that all I need is to feel loved and wanted and needed, and I need affection, even when I'm down. He blew me off saying we had things to do. Then tonight we get in a mini discussion where he says he didn't want to get into an argument like we've been doing for the last few months. I wasn't looking for an argument, I was trying to give him direction. Am I being unreasonable? How do I proceed? I need to communicate that to him, because apparently I wasn't clear enough. He's on the couch and I'm in the dining room doing work with my iPod on.

P.S. - Guys feel free to chime in. I want to hear what I'm doing wrong and how to communicate better. I know he can't handle all of this negative, especially since his love language is Words of Affirmation, and I know this is a detriment in this situation. Help me make things better. Sick of the roadblocks!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Honestyl, you just need a counselor who can be the middle ground and help you two learn to talk to each other.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

turnera said:


> Honestyl, you just need a counselor who can be the middle ground and help you two learn to talk to each other.


I know.  But he won't go. Says he doesn't need someone telling him what he's doing wrong, that's what I'm for. He takes all the blame for everything and hates that he makes me cry, even though I tell him all the time that this is an US problem not a HIM problem. I told him a counselor is only going to listen to what we say and make sure the other one hears it the way it was meant to be heard. But we tried one before and it didn't go well. But he's not willing to give someone else a try.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There is where YOU have to decide what YOU are willing to live with. I see it ALL THE TIME - women caving in to what their husbands do, hoping he'll care, hoping he'll change, hoping he'll notice...but he doesn't.

He's a guy. He was raised as a guy. To go out and have fun whilie Mom (and then, sisters) take care of EVERYTHING.

And say nothing. Or complain. And the guy ignores.

It's what he was taught to do - ignore women. Thanks, mom.

But here is where YOU have to make a change. It's called a boundary. Read Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. It will teach you how to say 'no more' and GET him to understand that you WON'T just accept this for the rest of your life.

HE won't change. YOU have to.

Here's what a boundary looks like: He won't go. But I won't stay married to him unless he does. Now I'm going into the living room where he is and telling him that, unless he agrees to go to counseling, I am going to find a divorce lawyer next week to start proceedings.

You're giving him the chance; HIS choice, then.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

turnera said:


> Here's what a boundary looks like: He won't go. But I won't stay married to him unless he does. Now I'm going into the living room where he is and telling him that, unless he agrees to go to counseling, I am going to find a divorce lawyer next week to start proceedings.
> 
> You're giving him the chance; HIS choice, then.


thats not a choice, that is a threat, bullying.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Not if he refuses to consider what she needs; it's a reaction.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Yeah, I don't think he'd respond very well to that. Not that he wants to divorce at all, but we're both hanging on by a thread, trying to figure out what happened to our "easy" marriage. Now all the complacency is out, and he's a good guy, but he can't handle all the turmoil. He wants it to go away so we can be happy again. But he doesn't likes threats. This is really the only thing he won't do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what IS he doing?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get this book: Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. It will teach you in a better way what I'm trying to say - that you both have rights in your marriage for what you're willing to put up with, and when those rights are harmed, your boundaries are crossed, you need to protect yourself. 

YOU want help. HE doesn't. Why does what HE want trump what YOU want?


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## funcouple420 (Feb 11, 2011)

its not you thats wrong . its both of you! it takes both people to make a true relationship work well. both people need to realize that its important to think of their partners feelings and needs . its good to think of your partners as you would like to be thought of and treated as well. thats what i do , treat them like i would want to be treated. even though everyone thinks men and women are so different , on the inside we are both just humans and have the same basic needs and expectations of a marriage!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Have you tried just being honest and using safe sentence? I told my H a lot in the beginning of things "Babe, I am just having a bad day and I really just need you to give me a lot of hugging and kissing today. Can you please do that for me? I think it'll help get me out of my funk".


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

DawnD said:


> Have you tried just being honest and using safe sentence? I told my H a lot in the beginning of things "Babe, I am just having a bad day and I really just need you to give me a lot of hugging and kissing today. Can you please do that for me? I think it'll help get me out of my funk".


Thinking this sounds like very good advice!:smthumbup:


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

On a "normal" day, when you aren't in a bad mood, just sit him down and tell him that sometimes you will feel under the weather. And it's not going to be his fault. You will just feel down and you will just want to be left alone or whatever. Tell him not to take it personally. Assure him that _you will most definitely tell him_ if in a particular instance it actually _is his fault_ (wink at him at this point, LOL). But when you just feel low and want to be left alone you will just tell him that and you will expect him to actually leave you alone + that he will not take it personally. 

Sometimes I am very irritable. I mean just anything can set me off, just anything. I tell my husband "I am very irritable right now. Don't talk to me. Don't interact with me. If you don't leave me alone, we will have a major fight over absolutely nothing". Sometimes he listens. Sometimes he seems to think his talking to me will improve my mood. If all else fails, I tell him I am PMSing. Permissible Man Slaughter if he doesn't leave me alone. He then scrambles. :rofl:


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Thanks, gals for your help. The problem is, that he sees me being down as a slap in his face. We've hit rock bottom after another discussion last night. I seriously don't know if we'll make it through. 

Basically, any time I'm not in the best mood, or I recommend he read a certain part of a marriage advice book, or if I send a text message, or write him a letter, he takes it as him being a failure. He says I point out all the time that he doesn't meet my needs. He gives up. Then there's my viewpoint, that I don't feel like he's all in this to make things better. I feel like he's just sort of trudging along, not putting forth any real effort because he's afraid of failure. He says it's all baby steps. 

But he feels like he's on a timeline. I wrote him a letter on Monday saying that I feel like things aren't going to get better as long as he just sits idle. I gave him some analogies, and just spelled out how I feel. I talked about my need for affection and everything, and he told me he'd respond. 2 days went by and he hadn't. Then he played some childish crap and deleted the pics of the two of us off his facebook wall because his friend told him I had posted a heart on his wall and deleted it before he saw it (which I did - on Sunday when I posted this and felt pissed on, but he hadn't even seen it, so who cares?). I actually yelled last night and lost my cool. But I think I've pushed him away. I'm at a loss. I'm broken.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Could it be that your H is similar to mine, in which they are reflecting about what they have done, don't believe there is anything they can actually DO to make it any better or "make up" for it, so he does nothing? That was my H's theory for a while. 

Can I ask how you approach him with websites, books, etc? If it were me, I would say to approach him with things you can do as a couple, like relationship building stuff, and then move on to the rest. Does that make any sense? I talk in circles a lot LOL


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

hi,LL

i know what you are saying. my husband is the same way, if i just feel like blah...time of the month, fav show not on yet..could be anything, and he will want to know whats up...

i finally told him, you cant get all caught up in my drama. if i want to tell you because its major, then i will. im not going to tell you every little ugh feeling i have.

sometimes, im just working on me...later on hugs, or cuddles or little rubs, but as long as i say no im good, then be secure to know its ok.

he was a taken back a little, but understood, and said i should have said this years ago. maybe... call me or text me. if i dont get back with you right away..its ok, i didnt forget about you.


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## noneya (Nov 12, 2011)

Dear LonelyNLost:

I think you would benefit from a book called "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" Steven Stosny Ph.d, Patricia Edd Love.

It is really a good read, and it has helped my relationship so much. I have found that "drawing boundaries" or always attempting to resolve every issue by "talking" about your feelings has been counterintuitive, and often leads to a breakup or more fighting. 

While I very much agree that women and men are BASICALLY the same (in that we both, in fact, do have emotional needs), and that many men and women don't fall into a traditional paradigm, my significant other and I definitely do. From your post, it seems like you might too.

The book discusses how men generally operate from a place of shame, while women operate from a place of fear. It builds from that foundation and seeks solutions - many of which made sense for me and have WORKED to ease both my troubled mind and our troubled relationship. Best of all - he doesn't need to be "in" on it for it to work, at least in my case. Things just generally built from my effort. Pretty amazing, imho. 

Good luck, and I hope you are out of your rut soon


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree. The talks should be when you are feeling GOOD! Let him know that its a personality thing or a bad day and doesn't have anything to do with him. Tell him what you like him to do and how it makes you feel (good) when he is like that. Encourage him and "thank" him (literally) for listening to you and trying to help.

Showing appreciation to another human is one way of encouraging them to keep moving in that direction. 

Then...work on yourself. Get some counseling for yourself if you haven't already. It's a wonderful way to explore your feeling and thoughts in a safe manner.


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## Alice748 (Nov 11, 2011)

Honestyl, you just need a counselor who can be the middle ground and help you two learn to talk to each other.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

YOU could be proactive and go to counseling without him. If you are having enough "down days" that it is an issue.... then a little therapy might help. Couldn't hurt anyway. 

Plus, if he sees you making an effort to get yourself to a good place, it might spur him on to work WITH you. It's a win-win situation for you, cuz no matter how the relationship turns out you should end up stronger and happier.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

L&L and her husband either have, or are in the process of divorce.

Believe both have moved on and are seeing other people.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Wow, not sure how this got resurrected. But yes, Deejo is mostly correct. We are in the process of divorce, have been separated for 8 months. 

I did try counseling on my own along with reading just about every "save your marriage" book out there. Bottom line was that he was cheating and going through typical wayward spouse actions. Me being "down" was a reminder of his guilt. If I tried to communicate anything he was on the defensive and basically just pushing me further away. I get that now, and I have beat myself up over and over again about being such a sucker. I now have no regrets and have tackled those demons. I can move forward with a clear conscience and know that I did all I could do to save my marriage. 

He now lives with the OW, and they've been involved since October of 2010. He moved her clear across the country 3 months after moving out, and they now live together with her 11 year old son. He is not agreeing to the marital settlement agreement, and wants changes with each revision, so we are sort of stuck. I have met someone who knows how to communicate and doesn't play games. I can now look back at my marriage and see that there were MANY more problems than what appeared at the surface. My first hint should have been his inability to listen to my needs. We weren't in a rut. We were drowning and he popped a hole in any available life preserver! Marriage OVER.


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## 4821 (Nov 3, 2011)

What are his love languages?


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## 4821 (Nov 3, 2011)

Does he read, understand what the love languages are? Has he either read the book "my needs, her needs or the "five languages of love"? if so - then what are his needs?


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

4821 said:


> What are his love languages?


STBX or the man I'm seeing? Ex was Words of Affirmation. The man I'm seeing actually has the same love languages as me, tied between physical touch and quality time. The biggest thing for us is the importance of communication. The relationship is long distance so it is based on openness and honesty. I think having the same love languages helps, but it isn't bulletproof. We have also both learned a lot from our failed marriages and are working on figuring ourselves out before expecting the other one to read our minds!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

^^^^ Read my update. And yeah, he had read 5 Love Languages and thought it was great. Doesn't work when your heart is somewhere else.


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## 4821 (Nov 3, 2011)

They have moved on and are divorced now according to thread above - not sure how these posts show up again when they are done


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Think of it as an 'update'

L&L, PM me if you would like me to close the thread.


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