# Lost and Confused



## downnoutinaz (Jun 20, 2012)

Last week Thursday I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you, and I don't think I ever was," talk from my wife. The kicker is we have only been married for a little over a year. We have been together for three and a half years.

The first couple months the sex was frequent but not as frequent as I was used to at the beginning of a new relationship. Around the beginning of our third month together she got pregnant. I didn't have sex for the entirety of her pregnancy, and for the first couple months after. I remember sometimes giving her a hard time about it, telling her I felt rejected and leaving in a huff.

Since then sex has been infrequent, two maybe three times a month, and has created a rift in our relationship. I haven't made matters better by getting agitated when she refuses me, but it has been made worse by her promising sex then denying, promising the following day, and denying again. This sometimes went on for several days.

As our wedding neared and stress was at a high, she told me one night that she was not attracted to me "in that way" and at that time in our relationship she wasn't sure she ever wanted to have sex again. That first night I reassured her that we would figure it out, but the following day and for several after that I was a wreck. How could I marry someone that was not attracted to me? Did she love me? Should I run?

When I asked her if she loved me she said, "I don't know but I think so." Not very reassuring weeks before our wedding. As the wedding grew closer she became distant and we fought a lot. I convinced myself she was cheating and accused her of as much late one night. Somehow we reconciled but the dis-trust was still there on both our parts. After the wedding things didn't improve much, her father was living with us and our daughter after moving across country six months earlier and we never seemed to have any time to ourselves. 

Everything came to a head in August when her father left town for a weekend. The fight we had that night almost ended in divorce but somehow me managed to pull it together. Her dad moved out shortly after and we had our house to ourselves once again after eight months.

Since August and that last horrible fight we have fought rarely and sex had become semi regular once again. I thought we had finally hit our groove as we started talking about having a second child and making plans for our future.

Then last week I stuck my foot in my mouth. I told her she made me miserable, then back pedaled and told her it makes me miserable when I spend a Saturday cleaning the house without her help. Then she goes out for a night on the town with her girlfriends. I hate that our relationship has no passion and just want to have a "normal" marriage.

The following day was when she told me she didn't love me, she was unhappy, and I was in denial. I, heard "I want a divorce." After a day of thinking about things I felt terrible. For the last week I have been a mess, panicking that my marriage was coming to an end I have been going from angry, to sad, to depressed, to bargaining ( "If you stay we never have to have sex again" ), to denial and back again. Only realizing days later that she hadn't said the D-word first, she did however imply it ("You deserve to be with someone that loves you the way you love them, and wants to have sex with you").

We have done ALOT of talking about our relationship. She doesn't like being in a relationship and does't like having to be responsible for someone else's feeling if she does something I don't like when she goes out with her friends, generally this involves her not coming home (I do not, and since that fight in August have not suspected her of cheating). There's more but this is getting long enough so I'll get to the point.

Tonight we talked after she got home from work, I want to save our marriage and we have been trying to come up with a game plan for fixing things. One of our ideas was me moving out and us starting over dating like we never really got to. This was her idea but I think she may be right, if our marriage has any chance of surviving and there is any chance of her rekindling feelings we may need to separate and reenact the thrill of the chase. I think this might actually help, but am nervous about not seeing my child for longer then a work day, and leaving home to live in my Dad's house to try some half-baked experiment.

Near the end of this conversation she did something she wouldn't ever normally do. To illustrate a point regarding a different matter she rubbed her foot very briefly between my legs. I looked at her shocked, this from the woman who only days earlier had said kissing me made her uncomfortable. She thought for a minute, then laughed and said "Of course!" When I asked "what" she told me that now that our marriage was on the rocks and our relationship might be coming to an end, she was starting to find me more attractive...

She has said many things in the last couple days that lead me to question whether my wife is completely sane. I love my wife very much and want to make things work but part of me feels like I'm getting screwed with. If she needs to almost lose me to find her love for me and we do make it through this, whose to say it's not going to happen again in another three years.

I'm not sure if I'm looking for advise or just support. I feel like our relationship is way to young to be having these issues. I'm very confused right now as the person I fell in love with seems to be changing into someone else. I want to keep my family together but I'm afraid of holding on too tight and not tight enough.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Oh boy get ready for some bad news brother. Oh and I recommend moving this thread to Coping with infidelity forums cos it sounds like you're in the middle of something big and nasty not saying that it could be true but the members there are more helpful in dealing with problems especially those involving ILBINILWY "I love you but I'm not in love with you"

When your wife gives you the above script it translates to only one other thing, "I'm not interested in you because you don't turn me on and I want to fvck somebody else"


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> Oh boy get ready for some bad news brother. Oh and I recommend moving this thread to Coping with infidelity forums cos it sounds like you're in the middle of something big and nasty not saying that it could be true but the members there are more helpful in dealing with problems especially those involving ILBINILWY "I love you but I'm not in love with you"
> 
> When your wife gives you the above script it translates to only one other thing, "I'm not interested in you because you don't turn me on and I want to fvck somebody else"


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


WARNING!!!
"DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE"!!!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Anonymouskitty got it.

Sorry dude. You married on extremely shaky footing and now it's coming apart. You're trying to save something that never should have been.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

So she's rubbing your crotch with her foot and you continue talking about marital problems? And you say things like, "If you stay we never have to have sex again"? There's why she's giving you the ILYBINILWY speech right there. IF your marriage is going to last. IF you want her to want you, sack up.

The best I can tell you is go read Athol Kay's book.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

You, and everyone else on this planet, deserve better than this. You are trying to fix the unfixable. You can't make someone love you, no matter how great you are. If she's flat out told you she doesn't love you, it's time to get your affairs in order and talk to a lawyer.

Do not move out. You'll lose so much more if you move out. Now is the time to protect what's yours and prepare for a possibly nasty custody battle. Good luck.

I will repeat: You deserve a better life than this.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Take a look at these quotes and tell me if it gives you a warm fuzzy that your wife is into you. She has repeatedly told you that she is not in love with you, yet you continue to pursue her. Top it all off with the ILUBINILWY speech.



downnoutinaz said:


> Last week Thursday I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you, and I don't think I ever was," talk from my wife.





downnoutinaz said:


> When I asked her if she loved me she said, "I don't know but I think so." Not very reassuring weeks before our wedding.





downnoutinaz said:


> The following day was when she told me she didn't love me, she was unhappy, and I was in denial.



Then this little beauty. Adults take responsiblity for their actions, good or bad.



downnoutinaz said:


> She doesn't like being in a relationship and does't like having to be responsible for someone else's feelings


This idea of her's is a classic method used by women to remove a husband from the house prior to dropping the big "D". They hang the proverbial fruit of reconcilation in front of you to entice you out the door, then they string you along building status quo as the primary child care person. Then will come the paperwork asking for lots of $$$ in support since the husband "abandonded" the family and moved out.

I hate to tell you that your ill-fated marriage is in its death spiral. Your wife is a couple of steps ahead of you and you should be preparing for the worst. Take a look at this list, print it out if necessary and start to cover you a$$ before you get screwed. The website has good info for a Dad going through divorce. http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/viewtopic.php?t=13374




downnoutinaz said:


> One of our ideas was me moving out and us starting over dating like we never really got to. This was her idea but I think she may be right, if our marriage has any chance of surviving and there is any chance of her rekindling feelings we may need to separate and reenact the thrill of the chase.


She is screwing with you.



downnoutinaz said:


> She has said many things in the last couple days that lead me to question whether my wife is completely sane. I love my wife very much and want to make things work but part of me feels like I'm getting screwed with.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Drover said:


> So she's rubbing your crotch with her foot and you continue talking about marital problems? And you say things like, "If you stay we never have to have sex again"? There's why she's giving you the ILYBINILWY speech right there. IF your marriage is going to last. IF you want her to want you, sack up.
> 
> The best I can tell you is go read Athol Kay's book.


Wrong time for that.

I think Manning up and 180 are more appropriate at this part of the journey.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Oh yeah! DO NOT MOVE OUT! She needs to leave if anyone.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It sounds to me like your wife wants you out of the home so she’s free to come and go etc. as she pleases.

She can see that you have given her “plan” considerable thought and that in your mind you are already more or less half way out the door to live at your Dad’s to try out her “experiment”.

And that she’s quite simply but hugely immorally and with some form of twisted mind using her sex to get you 100% out the door.

I think your wife is a very very sick user and abuser.


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