# where do i go from here?



## HDsocal (Nov 19, 2010)

Been married 20 years one 10 yr old son. My W could be considered LD while I have always been HD. During our marriage sex had never been up to the quality or quantity that I desired. I tried everything ‘doing a 180’, ‘manning up’ and head read just about every book out there. Over the years I have had ‘the talk’ with my W any times. Usually ending in hugs, crying and promises… The results were the same every time reverting back to the way things were before the talk. Sex has been 2-3 times a month but only seldom was it passionate or with feeling from her. Frustration and resentment would boil over into anger and physical discomfort / pain.

The last time we had the talk was few years ago, again promises were made, she even suggested we buy and read SSM. I had read it before and at that time suggested she read it. Se said she understood my feelings and started to read the book. I put a note of encouragement in the book replacing her bookmark. After a few weeks I noticed the book sitting under a pile of books with the bookmark still in the same place (she still didn’t realize it was a note of encouragement), I asked her about it, reminded her how important the effort was, and she apologized and promised to read it. A month later it still wasn’t touched when I asked her about it, her response was she hadn’t gotten around to it, but would. I told her that sexual issues like ours cause a marriage to fail, I wanted her to know how important this is. A month later I threw the book away, my note of encouragement still inside in the same place unread. The worst response she could have possibly given me, apathy 

I loved to reach out and do fun romantic things for her, kissed her every morning when I woke up (even though she was asleep and didn’t know most of the time), would slide next to her in bed just to feel her near. After the ‘last talk’ and the book incident the level of resentment and frustration had reach a point where my life was starting to fall apart, picking verbal fights with family, friends and people at work, unable to sleep, having severe pains in my stomach and even chest pains. 

One night while unable to sleep, I had an epiphany, I realized that she will never change, and I need to stop doing or acting in ways that are causing me this pain and to try to life without the sensual part of me. This is kind of like trying to live without using your left arm, you realize that it is part of almost everything you do and seeing it there just reminds you.

The next day I felt better, in a perverse way like a weight had been lifted. This sense of relief was short lived. As the things that defined me became things of the past. I stopped doing the big romantic things I had done, not as some passive aggressive move but to go to such effort without any recognition form her had been causing resentment. Little things started to change, like I found myself sleeping on the side of the bed, and had stopped the morning kiss. I didn’t do these things as some kind of passive aggressive move but just wanted to stop doing the things that were indirectly or directly causing me to be in pain.

3 years later I am a shell of who I used to be, anger and resentment have been replaced by emptiness and sadness.

This year for the first time since meeting my W I didn’t do anything for her birthday, our anniversary, or valentines day (all within 8 weeks for us). Just a birthday card. She didn’t even notice… The sadness of remembering past events was overwelming. 

This change in behavior probably kept me from having a heart attack from the built up stress, it is hardly a way to be married. We do have sex, it is still once or twice a month, but is awkward and sad. 

There is no intimacy or passion left.
I don’t want to leave the family or her but the thought of having the ‘talk’ again is disheartening. Where do I go from here?


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

I don't like advocating divorce because I believe marriage is and should be a for-life deal, but sometimes we aren't given too many choices. I also firmly believe that when you are married to a person who isn't interested in investing their fifty percent into the relationship, you have the right to move on and be happy.

I know there's a lot of history, memories and emotional investment in a twenty-year marriage, but when a spouse checks out and refuses to check back in, there's not a lot you can do. Her refusal to change is very telling. It's like she relaxes once she thinks she has gotten you back to a place where you're *ok*, and then it's business as usual.

Does she know and understand that you are thinking about leaving?


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## Janpieter (Mar 3, 2012)

Hi HD,

I'm sitting here feeling your pain, I'm in a very similar situation as regards the sexlife, my wife is still very loving and supportive in all other ways but the one single way I need desperately. For us it's been 25 years and three kids and like you I've tried everything down the years and it always ends in 'tears and promises' that never get kept. I'm in my fifties now and too old and too impoverished in both wealth and spirit to try again with someone new. The really heartbreaking thing is how readily my wife will agree that there is a serious problem and we have to solve it, but then, it always comes back to "I'm sorry I just can't" and my feelings and dreams and longings are supposed to just melt away. Sometimes I regret marrying her at all. It doesn't matter how much you try 'manning up' or begging or pleading or ignoring or any of the other hundred schemes and plans I've tried to get some improvement in our sexlife; they will always slap you right back down and they will be right in their own eyes and the eyes of society. Get out while you retain your sanity.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

HDsocal said:


> 3 years later I am a shell of who I used to be, anger and resentment have been replaced by emptiness and sadness.
> 
> Where do I go from here?


Please consider seeing a counselor on your own, HD - to work through your pain and anger and resentment, and to help you lay out what your options are and decide what the best way forward is for YOU.

Best wishes.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

As the other replies point out there really isn't anywhere to go. I'm in the same situation with my husband and even when he acknowledges there's a problem (that alone took him many years to do) things always settle back down to where they were. He recently made what seemed like a strong gesture towards wanting to solve this issue but has gone right back to how he used to be. I don't think these people (the refusing spouses) ever really change.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

Janpieter said:


> Hi HD,
> It doesn't matter how much you try 'manning up' or begging or pleading or ignoring or any of the other hundred schemes and plans I've tried to get some improvement in our sexlife; they will always slap you right back down and they will be right in their own eyes and* the eyes of society*. Get out while you retain your sanity.


This is what has always struck me as odd about my husband's defense for his LD... he always implies that there is something inherently weak/ sick/ perverted in needing sex.

So in his eyes he's not refusing me, I'm just being unreasonable and excessive, like someone wanting to eat a bucket of fast food for breakfast lunch and dinner. I've never understood his attitude here. Wanting to have a nice sex life with your spouse is a far cry from being enslaved by vices.


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## HDsocal (Nov 19, 2010)

that is one thing that is hard to get them to understand, it isn't just about the sex, it is about the intimacy and closeness that sex is just one part of.

It isn't just about being willing, it is being wanting..


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