# Wife says she will never get an orgasm



## treeflower12 (Dec 21, 2020)

My wife and I had a trouble start during the start of our married life. Due to this we had sex first time together only after one year. Sex was not great but ok. We do not have sex often. Probably once a month or twice. Then, my wife got pregnant and ever since that we did not have sex ever since she became pregnant until our child was 2. After that, we have sex really rarely and I have to ask her if it is ok to do it tonight and she keeps postponing to the next day. 

While having sex, if I ask her is it ok for me to ejaculate, she would say yes whether I ask it in 2 minutes after starting the intercourse or after 10 minutes. If I ask she says ok always.

Last week, when I asked her is she is satisfied, she said that she is not and never will be as started believing that she will not have sex forever in her life during the first year of our marriage. She also mentioned that she never masturbated and doesn't know what is her pleasure points as she never had explored her body. She also mentioned that women can only feel orgasms only if she explore her body. She never let me touch her boobs or ***** or kiss on private parts. No french kiss either. She said she will get a sex toy and explore herself first but I shouldn't ask her the status(whether she is ready or not) until she completely explores herself. 

No idea what should I be doing in this case.. she is not ready to see a doctor or counselor. I love her very much and feel bad that my sex life will be dry forever. Please help..


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

When you are having sex with your wife stop talking and asking questions and concentrate on what you’re doing.


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## treeflower12 (Dec 21, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> When you are having sex with your wife stop talking and asking questions and concentrate on what you’re doing.


I do that. She says that problem is not me. But problem is with her. Please read the description


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Is this an arranged marriage?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

treeflower12 said:


> While having sex, if I ask her is it ok for me to ejaculate, she would say yes whether I ask it in 2 minutes after starting the intercourse or after 10 minutes. If I ask she says ok always.


Dang Treeflower, when I was reading your post I kept thinking to the game "May I" we'd play in the first and second grade when it rained during recess and we couldn't go outside. Now I'm thinking about the "Hokey Pokey" with the song stuck in my head. You know, "You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out. You do the Hokey Pokey and you shake it all about." I can still see my second grade teacher, Mrs Hayes, leading the class. She had these large breast and ample butt and I didn't know why, but I loved watching her when we got to the "shake it all about" part.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Whether this is an arranged marriage or not, I think this is largely an an attraction and sexual compatibility issue. She simply isn’t into you sexually.

Other than being in prison or deployed for military duty or on a scientific expedition to Antarctica, there is no reason for not engaging in some kind of sexual contact for a year. 

There may be conditions that may prevent PIV, but nothing other than physical separation could completely prevent ANY form of sexuality for a year.

It is an excuse to not do what she doesn’t want to do in the first place.


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## treeflower12 (Dec 21, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Whether this is an arranged marriage or not, I think this is largely an an attraction and sexual compatibility issue. She simply isn’t into you sexually.
> 
> Other than being in prison or deployed for military duty or on a scientific expedition to Antarctica, there is no reason for not engaging in some kind of sexual contact for a year.
> 
> ...


You are right. But we are 8 years into the marriage now. Only the first year was like that


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

8 years and virtually no sex? Reality: Never seen that change, but I’m not a sex expert. Yes on the let her explore herself on her own, however, she’s not going to because she has something going on in her head that makes her not want sex.

Then again, she may not want it with you.... unless you set her up to see if she will cheat, which I don’t suggest, you may never know.

Something to think about: I only know about me, and at your age I was having sex every night and sometimes more. Some women love sex.

I don’t know how or if you can solve your wife’s problem. I don’t think she wants to have it solved.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You both sound very naive and uptight and timid about sexuality in general. 

You in particular seem very timid and passive (which anyone can become after chronic rejection and denial). 

Most women do not find sexually timid men attractive. Many would find asking permission to orgasm a total turn off and a total loss of respect and desire for that man. 

I’m assuming you are not from the US and you have not answered my question if this was an arranged marriage. 

I suspect that she has no sexual attraction or desire for you and the only reason has had sex in the past was out of wifely duty and to have a child. 

If you want to have real sex with her, you’re going to have to transform into a man that she can respect and desire. 

This will take a lot of work and change. I don’t know if you’ll be willing or even able to make that kind of change.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> 8 years and virtually no sex? Reality: Never seen that change, but I’m not a sex expert. Yes on the let her explore herself on her own, however, she’s not going to because she has something going on in her head that makes her not want sex.
> 
> Then again, she may not want it with you.... unless you set her up to see if she will cheat, which I don’t suggest, you may never know.
> 
> ...


How did you meet? 
What was the attraction? 
Was she a virgin? Were you?
What are her parents like?
Has she experienced any trauma?
What were YOUR expectations (for physical intimacy) going into marriage?
Did you do any "fooling around" at all prior to marriage?


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## treeflower12 (Dec 21, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> You both sound very naive and uptight and timid about sexuality in general.
> 
> You in particular seem very timid and passive (which anyone can become after chronic rejection and denial).
> 
> ...


You are right. It was an arranged marriage and I am from India. Can you suggest few example of what kind of changes I need to do?


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## treeflower12 (Dec 21, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> How did you meet?
> What was the attraction?
> Was she a virgin? Were you?
> What are her parents like?
> ...


Mine is an arranged marriage. I liked her personality. Not sure what sort of liking she had on me. She never told that to me. Both of us were virgins. Her parents are conservative. The trauma I know was the troubled start to be compatible with each other during the first year of marriage. My expectations were romantic sex and as often we could do it. I never did fooling around before or after the marriage.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Rather than just HER exploring herself, talk with her about YOU also exploring her body with her. ASK her if something you are doing feels good, try variations, notice what her body is telling you.
This could be FUN for the both of you to find out how to turn her body on and make sex enjoyable.
She WILL have to get past issues with talking to you about sex.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

treeflower12 said:


> Mine is an arranged marriage. I liked her personality. Not sure what sort of liking she had on me. She never told that to me. Both of us were virgins. Her parents are conservative. The trauma I know was the troubled start to be compatible with each other during the first year of marriage. My expectations were romantic sex and as often we could do it. I never did fooling around before or after the marriage.


We have seen many examples on TAM of arranged marriages that somehow worked, despite conventional (Western) wisdom. Yours though, appears to be throwing all the red flags for why it's a really bad idea. You sound like you're willing to settle for something very few here would. It's not ours to say that's wrong, but if you're coming here looking for ideas, those ideas will not likely be compatible with how arranged marriages are supposed to work out because... it's not what most of us understand.

I wish you the very best of luck.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I have to suggest that the original poster get a copy of Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy and study it. He sounds like a very polite man or Nice Guy. As Glover says, he has been raised by women to view women as authority figures and trained that he must please all women. Loosing your Nice Guy status is not becoming a Jerk, but it is becoming a more integrated man who does not measure his worth by what he sacrifices for a woman. You will still treat women with respect, but you will also treat yourself with respect.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> I have to suggest that the original poster get a copy of Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy and study it. He sounds like a very polite man or Nice Guy. As Glover says, he has been raised by women to view women as authority figures and trained that he must please all women. Loosing your Nice Guy status is not becoming a Jerk, but it is becoming a more integrated man who does not measure his worth by what he sacrifices for a woman. You will still treat women with respect, but you will also treat yourself with respect.


An alternative interpretation is that his wife is playing her part (in the arranged marriage gig) but he isn't playing his. He's confused by western cultural expectations about marriage and sex and ends up getting the worst of both worlds. Both partners are confused and unhappy.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


> An alternative interpretation is that his wife is playing her part (in the arranged marriage gig) but he isn't playing his. He's confused by western cultural expectations about marriage and sex and ends up getting the worst of both worlds. Both partners are confused and unhappy.


I was kind of thinking along the same lines initially, but I’m not sure his frustration is due to western expectations. 

A male is a male and he’s going to innately want to have an active and gratifying sex life whether he has traditional eastern expectations or modern western expectations. Horniness is universal. I would challenge that no man would be happy with this. 

I don’t know if she is necessarily confused, I think she is simply not into him....at all. She sounds more in touch with her feelings and the situation than he is. 

She may be dissatisfied, but I think she knows the score.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Many women are turned off by a guy asking permission for everything. I'd much rather the guy do what he wants to do and orders me to do what he wants me to do than to ask permission. Sometimes in life a man needs to be a man and in sex that's definitely the case for me. just speaking for myself. Your wife may be different.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I live how oriole claim all this “she’s turned off by x, y, z” stuff.

I’ve been with women that I hoped I could turn off. Couldn’t.
This is not about him not knowing what to do to get her aroused. It either happens or it doesn’t. 
This woman may have zero interest in sex with anyone.

There’s a lot he might be doing wrong, but she’s got to be “on” before he can hit the off switch.

It is likely she just isn’t interested.

How can OP get her interested? Heck, who knows? His wife doesn’t even know herself what she likes or that gets her to orgasm.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

JustTheWife said:


> Many women are turned off by a guy asking permission for everything. I'd much rather the guy do what he wants to do and orders me to do what he wants me to do than to ask permission. Sometimes in life a man needs to be a man and in sex that's definitely the case for me. just speaking for myself. Your wife may be different.


Perhaps best summarized by a discussion between Jefe and El Guapo in the documentary “The Three Amigos”. 

Jefe: “When you want a horse? You take the horse. When you want a woman, you take the woman!”


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

JustTheWife said:


> Many women are turned off by a guy asking permission for everything. I'd much rather the guy do what he wants to do and orders me to do what he wants me to do than to ask permission. Sometimes in life a man needs to be a man and in sex that's definitely the case for me. just speaking for myself. Your wife may be different.


That is your preference, but context is very important since that could read like rape is permissible. The mitigating circumstance being that you are free to refuse the order. Culturally, that might work for you, but definitely not for some. 

There are cultures and religions in which the woman is required to be completely submissive, and do whatever is required of them. In the case of the OP, that might include his situation. His wife is expecting him to be something he isn't, because he's confused about his role. What she might respect is authority, being commanded, but he's seeing things as collaborative and agreed upon. Thus the confusion.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

treeflower12 said:


> My wife and I had a trouble start during the start of our married life. Due to this we had sex first time together only after one year. Sex was not great but ok. We do not have sex often. Probably once a month or twice. Then, my wife got pregnant and ever since that we did not have sex ever since she became pregnant until our child was 2. After that, we have sex really rarely and I have to ask her if it is ok to do it tonight and she keeps postponing to the next day.
> 
> While having sex, if I ask her is it ok for me to ejaculate, she would say yes whether I ask it in 2 minutes after starting the intercourse or after 10 minutes. If I ask she says ok always.
> 
> ...


I think this is something she's going to have to work out herself. So just let her do that and ask her to keep you informed of any progress. do you know if she has any abuse in her past or if maybe she came from a real religious background or something extreme like genital mutilation or cultural belief that women shouldn't enjoy sex?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

She has to take some responsibility for her own orgasm. If she doesn't know her body at all how are you supposed to? She won't even let you touch her. What are you supposed to do sing the her? (can you see my eyes rolling?)


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Order her a “womanizer” you will solve that problem instantly.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


> That is your preference, but context is very important since that could read like rape is permissible. The mitigating circumstance being that you are free to refuse the order. Culturally, that might work for you, but definitely not for some.
> 
> There are cultures and religions in which the woman is required to be completely submissive, and do whatever is required of them. In the case of the OP, that might include his situation. His wife is expecting him to be something he isn't, because he's confused about his role. What she might respect is authority, being commanded, but he's seeing things as collaborative and agreed upon. Thus the confusion.


To avoid any misunderstanding, I'm most certainly not saying that rape is permissible. Nor (of course) am i saying that men should go around ordering women to things to them. I was talking about this in the context of consensual sex in a healthy, balanced relationship and my observation that I think many men are too passive and afraid to take charge with sex. Of course everything needs to be balanced and going overboard in the other direction is not good either. My point was simply that if you want a BJ or to do it doggy or whatever, assertively tell her to do it. No need for "honey, I was thinking that it might be nice for us to do....". Obviously you can't just pull sexual orders out of thin air and you need to establish it working like this. Also, if you know she doesn't like X, demanding her to do X is obviously not going to work. Otherwise it can backfire and create a disaster. I assumed in my answer that people would apply some common sense.

I agree with you about the cultural context. It doesn't seem to be a problem with the OP but I suppose in some cultures it's not constructive to suggest that men should be more dominant or women more submissive.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

happyhusband0005 said:


> My wife and I like to take regular weekend away from the kids. Usually a city that has a sexy vibe. Montreal, Vegas, Miami places like that. We make most of the weekend away sex focused. For example a couple of years ago we went to Aspen, CO for my birthday. We did things like when we went out to dinner my wife wore *vibrating panties and gave me a remote to turn them on and off. * That was fun. I would click it on whenever the waiter came over to take the order or ask how things were. By the end of the night she attached me like a spider monkey.


Maybe, this will help. Good luck.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Just for more details that may shed a bit more light that may help eliminate certain problems in trying to a somewhat focused sharing of potential solutions:

How's your weight and health overall?
How's your wife's weight and health overall?

After 8 years of being together your described range of obstacles is huge.

It's very atypical to have all of these challenges still exist between a man and a woman with 8 yrs of living together in marriage. Very unusual. 

It seems something is missing in the background information. 

Can you share a but more on today's circumstances?


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