# A sex/affair question



## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

Today my wife said that when she hates on me, she hates on all men and wants nothing to do with any kind of sex or relationship with any man. That when I (in her mind) piss her off, she is pissed at all men. 

Is that even possible? 

I had a conversation with her about cheating. Our marriage has been on the rocks (I have a whole thread about it) and it is always in my head that she could be cheating. 

Talking about it today, I asked her straight up if she wanted me for security but wanted to just date/have sex with other men. 

We had a little positive breakthrough today where she agreed to work on the marriage if I actually work on it and we both agreed we both need to change and stay changed. Prior to this she was pushing me to accept that we stay legally married but have no kind of committed relationship outside of parenting roles. 

We haven't had sex in a little over a month, but we still fool around and she is always the one to initiate it. She has kept wearing her wedding band 24/7 and sleeps in the bed with me. 

Her wanting to stay legally married and living together but being not in a committed relationship to me smelled a lot like she wanted to be free to date other men but to have the security of having me around. She says when she is mad enough at me to not want to be with me that she is mad at all men and wants nothing to do with them. 

I said "..well it is possible that maybe you need me for a back up or security while you explore other guys, emotionally and sexually..you know, maybe you feel neglected by me and there are guys who will give you attention and affection without all the work.." she repeated what she had said about when I turn her off she is turned of to all men. 

It seems so unlikely to me, like she is throwing poop around and hoping it sticks. 

On the other hand, when she is happy with me we have a highly sexually charged relationship, she becomes like uber sexual and does seem turned on by men in general. To the point of us watching porn together and the porn she likes is about 10x more hardcore than what I like. She gets turned on by all the male genitalia with me as the centerpiece. She will even watch porn and masturbate when I am not around, sometimes two or three times a day or as much as possible- which really blows my mind. When we are not getting along it is like her sex drive shuts down. No sex, no porn, no masturbating. The occasional fooling around (she will dry hump me and so on) that doesn't really turn into anything until our relationship turns a corner for the better and we get along. 

So could it possibly be true that when I turn her off she is just turned of period?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

ohno said:


> Today my wife said that when she hates on me, she hates on all men and wants nothing to do with any kind of sex or relationship with any man. That when I (in her mind) piss her off, she is pissed at all men.
> 
> Is that even possible?
> 
> ...



I don't know about your other posts, so here goes.

Was she ever abused?

Was she cheated on before?

Raped?

For her to get that mad at you and all men, something is making her respond that negatively about men.

You are a nice guy? Her security blanket? There when she needs a man?

You should be standing up to her and her crap. Be alpha male or she will walk all over you and take advantage of you as well. And you just put up with it.

Women subconsciously like their man to be the leader, alpha male, take the initiative, help without being asked for help, and be strong. If you're not these things, a lot of ladies will treat you like crap.

Have you had a final serious chat with her?

Is she having an EA (emotional affair)? Sexting?

If she is a HD (high sex drive) woman and you're not meeting her sexual needs and fantasies because you are LD (lower sex drive), that could be the problem and over many years of this, it builds up, she resorts to porn among other things and the resentment builds........

Marriage counseling?:scratchhead:


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> I don't know about your other posts, so here goes.
> 
> Was she ever abused?
> 
> ...


She was severely abused by her step father which is why "man hatred" from her actually seems plausible to me. 

We are both high sex drive. 

I played nice guy for about 2 years (of 12 years total that we were together) then had enough of that about 4 months ago, fought back hard which made her want to divorce me, but the past few days she has been coming around as she sees I am ready to call her bluff.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Stand your ground and be strong, alpha male and call her bluff. Don't be a jerk but don't take her crap.

If you're a nice guy too long, she will get used to that and take advantage of you.

Find out what turns her on, what type of porn and surprise her.

If she's okay with it, go to therapy and marriage counseling. She needs a lot of time to get it out and heal.

I wish you the best.


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## Spinner (Jul 26, 2013)

It's entirely possible and I'm convinced it's the reason we have lesbians  

Seriously though, I don't see why you shouldn't believe your wife when she hasn't given any indications that she is interested in other men. 

Once when I had a really bad break up, I couldn't look at men for a week. A lot of us ladies tend to group you too easily and when one of you hurts us, you're all blacklisted.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Yes it can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

As a woman - yes, she can hate and be disinterested in all men based on how angry she is at you or whomever.

It wouldn't be unusual for a woman to intertwine sex and emotion/attachment where one interferes with the other.

However, with her huh sex drive I wouldn't imagine she could carry through with sharing space with you and keeping it completely non sexual. What you are going through now with her is likely what you will continue to go through unless there is effort on both sides (but particularly an effort on her part) to change.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yes, she can refresh her hatred of all men because she is angry at you.

Is it right? hell NO.
Is it a healthy way to deal with life? Hell NO!
Is you wife making excuses for being a b!tch? I think she is.

We don't hate all men because some men are a POS. We don't hate all women because some women are also a POS. We deal with the individual in front of us, not what we project to be there but what is actually there.

Your wife needs therapy to learn to separate her fears from reality and learn better ways of being in a healthy committed relationship.


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

Thanks for the answers  It just seemed like an implausible reaction to a direct question about cheating. She is bi if it makes any difference, and I never know if a close female friend is platonic or romantic, and I really don't care but maybe I should.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

ohno, my take on life is that ANY sexual encounters that your SO is having that you are expected to pay the freight for, and yet doesn't include YOU is CHEATING.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

ohno said:


> Thanks for the answers  It just seemed like an implausible reaction to a direct question about cheating. She is bi if it makes any difference, and I never know if a close female friend is platonic or romantic, and I really don't care but maybe I should.



Before you got married, she should of told you, she is bi-sexual and then at that point, you could of decided not to marry her.

You don't get married, then years later, I'm bi sexual......

Here's an idea. She was abused and went through a lot of crap. Then she met you, got married and there have been many bumps along the way. Now she is bi-sexual......sounds like a coping mechanism. In her mind, I was abused by my step father, I don't trust men anymore and so I'll try women. Who knows?!

Sounds like she can dish it but can't take it.

She should of realized you aren't her step father. You are her husband and a new clean chapter in her life. If she hated all men because of her past, she should of got therapy before getting married to you, instead of treating you badly for her past, which has nothing to do with you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hookares said:


> ohno, my take on life is that ANY sexual encounters that your SO is having that you are expected to pay the freight for, and yet doesn't include YOU is CHEATING.


Can you please define what you mean by "pay the freight" here?


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

hookares said:


> ohno, my take on life is that ANY sexual encounters that your SO is having that you are expected to pay the freight for, and yet doesn't include YOU is CHEATING.


I really agree. I should have made clear that by romantic I mean more in terms of ea than pa.


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Before you got married, she should of told you, she is bi-sexual and then at that point, you could of decided not to marry her.
> 
> You don't get married, then years later, I'm bi sexual......
> 
> ...


You hit the nail pretty close to the head, though I should be clear that I DID know about her being bi before we got married. It doesn't bother me in the least. 

Yes she can dish it out but not take it. She needs therapy big time but refuses it. I told her lets both go to separate therapists for our personal issues and to a mc for a problems as a couple. She ain't got time for that! Really I think she is just scared to death of dealing with any kind of vulnerability she has. 

We are in reconciliation and I have mentally and emotionally pretty much cleared my plate off (best I can anyways) which gives me a bit more neutrality to look at this from. I see a pattern of behavior (from her) that facilitates behavior from me which will/can/did justify her internal characterizations of me as fitting into the same male archetype that has defined her experience. So ya, I am paying the price for the abuse she suffered at the hands of her father. She is aware of it, she admits to it, but she also says that her emotions and perceptions constantly trick her.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Can you please define what you mean by "pay the freight" here?


The dummy goes to work (not necessarily the OP) to keep the marriage afloat.
The other spouse spends his or her free time entertaining one or more other lovers and consumes the family resources doing it.
It happens.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

Women hating men works the other way as well. I went out last night with a friend and he got drunk. With no reason that I know other than the law is an ass, he is only allowed 4 hours supervised access to his daugher. He is really angry with his exGF. But he tried to take his anger out on every female in an effort to prove they 'get away with murder.' He even walked in front of an approaching car to show that's what women get away with.

People rationalize ways to act how they do, but drink just amplifies the feelings. I hope in OP case this is not a factor.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hookares said:


> ohno, my take on life is that ANY sexual encounters that your SO is having that you are expected to pay the freight for, and yet doesn't include YOU is CHEATING.





hookares said:


> The dummy goes to work (not necessarily the OP) to keep the marriage afloat.
> 
> The other spouse spends his or her free time entertaining one or more other lovers and consumes the family resources doing it.
> It happens.


I just found it interesting that being the breadwinner is an iatrical part of the definition of cheating here. 

Seems to me that sex outside the marriage, without the spouses consent, is cheating. Whether or not the BS is the sole income earner does not play into the definition.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lonesomegra said:


> Women hating men works the other way as well. I went out last night with a friend and he got drunk. With no reason that I know other than the law is an ass, he is only allowed 4 hours supervised access to his daugher. He is really angry with his exGF. But he tried to take his anger out on every female in an effort to prove they 'get away with murder.' He even walked in front of an approaching car to show that's what women get away with.
> 
> People rationalize ways to act how they do, but drink just amplifies the feelings. I hope in OP case this is not a factor.


Maybe that behavior right there is why he only has 4 supervised hours with his daughter. Maybe he acted like that over other things around his exGF and she knows he has that side.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why commit to stay with a person, if they won't commit to you?

Sounds 110% one sided all for her benefit.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

ohno said:


> You hit the nail pretty close to the head, though I should be clear that I DID know about her being bi before we got married. It doesn't bother me in the least.
> 
> Yes she can dish it out but not take it. She needs therapy big time but refuses it. I told her lets both go to separate therapists for our personal issues and to a mc for a problems as a couple. She ain't got time for that! Really I think she is just scared to death of dealing with any kind of vulnerability she has.
> 
> We are in reconciliation and I have mentally and emotionally pretty much cleared my plate off (best I can anyways) which gives me a bit more neutrality to look at this from. I see a pattern of behavior (from her) that facilitates behavior from me which will/can/did justify her internal characterizations of me as fitting into the same male archetype that has defined her experience. So ya, I am paying the price for the abuse she suffered at the hands of her father. She is aware of it, she admits to it, but she also says that her emotions and perceptions constantly trick her.


You go to therapy then. Show her that she is not in charge. Show her you are willing to look at yourself and try to improve. Lead by example. IMO if one spouse asks another to go to MC and are refused then only one spouse is willing to do all they can to save the marriage. It takes that kind of effort from both to have a healthy marriage.


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