# Haven't been on in a while...About to go through it again and I'm hurting



## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

About 3 1/2 to 4 years ago, I joined this site and it helped alot. My last divorce was due to her cheating.

Well, I got married again. It lasted exactly two months. That has to be some kind of record. The crazy thing is, we shouldn't have gotten married to begin with probably - she is substantially younger than I am (20 years) - and she asked me to marry her! We just hit it off so well on the surface level to begin with and she always talked about taking her life to new heights and new levels. I thought we would be growing together. It's hard to say this, but I was an idiot for not ending it a long time ago - even before she asked me to marry her. 

At the end of the day, we don't mesh in so many ways, but we were having so much fun initially. I really believe that for her - she has an intermittent drinking problem - the part of her that wants to stay young is overwhelming the part of her that wants to grow up.

It doesn't work and we both had come to the same conclusion independently. Both of us have stated that there wasn't any infidelity and I tend to believe that. 

The think is, even though I know it's the right thing to cut our losses now while we both think it, it still hurts. Very badly because I still love her.

I just wish I could remember all this learned last time as far as what I need to do to start healing. Any help would be greatly appreciated.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Have you both talked about this and maybe considered getting into counceling. Maybe there is some common ground you both can reach? I am sorry to hear about your xW. I was cheated on to so I can understand the pain of dealing with that. 


Clay


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long did you date her before marrying her?

How old is she?


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

Clay2013 said:


> Have you both talked about this and maybe considered getting into counceling. Maybe there is some common ground you both can reach? I am sorry to hear about your xW. I was cheated on to so I can understand the pain of dealing with that.
> 
> 
> Clay


No, Clay, she won't do marriage counseling. She thinks that our fundamental differences are just too basic. Plus she is not wired that way. One of our biggest problems is that she doesn't to communicate/talk about anything of substance and I really do. 

Once we were married, my expectations in a marriage and hers became very apparent. She wants to be free to go out drinking every night and I don't think that is healthy. As I was trying to find ways to encourage her to find more productive things to do, she took it as "griping." 

It is the best thing, but it still hurts like hell.


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> How long did you date her before marrying her?
> 
> How old is she?


We dated in total about 2 1/2+ years. She is 27 and I am 48.

I know. I know. But, I wasn't shopping for that - it just happened. 

I should have known by her "crowd." They are all alcoholics as I believe she is as well - two DUI arrests before I dated her. She spoke so often about getting out of bars and she went back to school. I supported her on all of that (including monetarily), but eventually she began to she resentment when I tried to help. She wanted to be able to go out drinking 5-6 nights a week at its worst. 

Basically, I was thinking the same things - that it was a mistake - but I didn't know she was as well because she won't communicate. Meanwhile, I was communicating my unhappiness. Ultimately, she says that she has been "unhappy" since right before the wedding (she thought she was just having nerves), and that she doesn't share my view on wanting to grow together and communicate and actually contribute to the marriage. Essentially, she wants to live like a single girl who happens to have a husband in my assessment.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Sadly not all marriages work out. Sounds like you are both at different points in times in your lives. I am not a fan of trial separation but maybe she needs a wake up call. Marriage in my mind is a two way street. If shes not willing to meet you half way then it might be time to check out. 

Sorry your going through this. 

Clay


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