# Younger Man fever



## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

I am a happily married woman in my forties, albeit a little bored. My husband and I have been together for over 20 years and he is the only man I have ever kissed, made love with etc. I refer to him as 'my first everything'. Our lives is honestly great and I could not have asked for a better partner. 

However, a month ago, my best-friend and I visited our favorite restaurant and I had an instant connection with one of the new employees. He looks to be about half my age. The pull between us was so strong that I was floored. I left the restaurant soon after, not being able to focus on anything but him. His interest in me was very obvious as well. I have not visited the restaurant since for fear of seeing him; but my best friend has, and she said he asked for my number. She is not telling me if she gave it to him or not. But he has not contacted me, so I am guessing, she did not.

The fear of this feeling made me talk to my husband about it, because I am so confused. This has never happened to me in the 20+ years we have been together. He has no explanation for it either. 

My problem is, I can't seem to get him out of my head after just one encounter. I admit, the feeling is exciting but unwanted. I want to move on from this and go back to my husband being my only focus.

Is this normal for a woman my age to desire such a younger man? And what can I do to get pass this feeling?


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Called a mid-life crisis.
I’ve known several it’s happened to, and those who followed those feelings of fear of aging, and fell good hormones always wound up worse off afterwards.
When those feel good chemicals of affair are gone depression sets in……and most times the husband is gone.

Similar to how men are always being accused of getting sports car and young bride.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

If your life and marriage is so great, why in the hell would you risk it for a pimple faced 20 year old who you will have nothing in common with?

At 20, the guy has so much testosterone that he would hump a live 220 dryer outlet just to get off .... You are just a milf in his mind which is an easy target to him


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

red oak said:


> Called a mid-life crisis.
> I’ve known several it’s happened to, and those who followed those feelings of fear of aging, and fell good hormones always wound up worse off afterwards.
> When those feel good chemicals of affair are gone depression sets in……
> 
> Similar to how men are always being accused of getting sports car and young bride.


What she described is NOTHING like a "mid-life crisis".


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> If your life and marriage is so great, why in the hell would you risk it for a pimple faced 20 year old who you will have nothing in common with?
> 
> At 20, the guy has so much testosterone that he would hump a live 220 dryer outlet just to get off .... You are just a milf in his mind which is an easy target to him


Maybe you didn't read what she wrote, but she has no intention of risking anything for this kid.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> What she described is NOTHING like a "mid-life crisis".


😂 It is part and parcel of the same. 🤦🏼‍♂️


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

red oak said:


> 😂 It is part and parcel of the same. 🤦🏼‍♂️


No it isn't!! That's ridiculous, she is confused and unhappy about the feelings, and she even shared everything with her husband to get his opinion and support about it.

That's the polar opposite of what happens in a mid-life crisis.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

sunshinie said:


> I am a happily married woman in my forties, albeit a little bored. My husband and I have been together for over 20 years and he is the only man I have ever kissed, made love with etc. I refer to him as 'my first everything'. Our lives is honestly great and I could not have asked for a better partner.
> 
> However, a month ago, my best-friend and I visited our favorite restaurant and I had an instant connection with one of the new employees. He looks to be about half my age. The pull between us was so strong that I was floored. I left the restaurant soon after, not being able to focus on anything but him. His interest in me was very obvious as well. I have not visited the restaurant since for fear of seeing him; but my best friend has, and she said he asked for my number. She is not telling me if she gave it to him or not. But he has not contacted me, so I am guessing, she did not.
> 
> ...


Act on it, and get ready for a divorce. No self respecting husband will put up with this crap.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

sunshinie said:


> My problem is, I can't seem to get him out of my head after just one encounter.


I would surmise, you either are or close to being an empty nester, and/or have had thoughts or concerns about getting older; also a woman’s sexual peak is in the 40’s which would innately put focus on youth the locus of which would be the root of your obsessing. (Aka one type of mid-life crisis).

Know and recognizing such is key to overcoming it.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Act on it, and get ready for a divorce. No self respecting husband will put up with this crap.


She's doing the right things though. She left the restaurant, didn't get his number or anything, hasn't gone back to the restaurant, told her husband about it, wants the feeling to go away. 

She's not saying she wants to do it. She's asking how to make the feeling stop.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sunshinie said:


> I am a happily married woman in my forties, albeit a little bored. My husband and I have been together for over 20 years and he is the only man I have ever kissed, made love with etc. I refer to him as 'my first everything'. Our lives is honestly great and I could not have asked for a better partner.
> 
> However, a month ago, my best-friend and I visited our favorite restaurant and I had an instant connection with one of the new employees. He looks to be about half my age. The pull between us was so strong that I was floored. I left the restaurant soon after, not being able to focus on anything but him. His interest in me was very obvious as well. I have not visited the restaurant since for fear of seeing him; but my best friend has, and she said he asked for my number. She is not telling me if she gave it to him or not. But he has not contacted me, so I am guessing, she did not.
> 
> ...


I can't diagnose exactly what you might be experiencing but I do know about instantaneous, strong attraction.

Regardless of cause, my advice is to steer clear of the young man for as long as it takes for this to pass.

BTW, him asking for your number was a really crappy thing to do being that your his married boss.

Your friend is no friend if she would have given him your number either.

How does your husband feel and what are his thoughts?

You did very good by telling him. That was excellent.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> No it isn't!! That's ridiculous, she is confused and unhappy about the feelings, and she even shared everything with her husband to get his opinion and support about it.
> 
> That's the polar opposite of what happens in a mid-life crisis.


It’s your prerogative if you want to think the cougar phenomenon isn’t part of a mid-life crisis.

I find it funny how if men buy fancy cars and start dating much younger women it’s called a mid-life crisis but the cougar phenomenon supposedly isn’t part of one.
Good day.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. @sunshinie I have had a few intense and immediate attractions happen over the course of the three decades I have been with my wife.

I always chose to stay away from the woman and it always passed as I kept my devotion and love focused on my wife.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lynnsnake said:


> Couple things you can do. When you have sex with your husband, fantasize about the young man. When you are having an orgasm, pretend it’s the young guy inside you. After you’re finished see how you feel. Feel guilty? You probably will. When the guilt goes away, do you still want it with the young man? If yes, that’s a sign that you should go for it. You only live once, are young once, and your body is quickly changing. Get the most from it while you can. Or, you can feel out your husband’s thoughts on a threesome. Or what does he think about cuckolding. You might be surprised.


Well this is certainly deranged.

Sort of like pulling the trigger on a Barrett M82 while the barrel is point blank at the head of a patient experiencing cardiac arrest, being prescribed to help the patient.

Great advice! LoL!🙄


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

sunshinie said:


> I am a happily married woman in my forties, albeit a little bored. My husband and I have been together for over 20 years and he is the only man I have ever kissed, made love with etc. I refer to him as 'my first everything'. Our lives is honestly great and I could not have asked for a better partner.
> 
> However, a month ago, my best-friend and I visited our favorite restaurant and I had an instant connection with one of the new employees. He looks to be about half my age. The pull between us was so strong that I was floored. I left the restaurant soon after, not being able to focus on anything but him. His interest in me was very obvious as well. I have not visited the restaurant since for fear of seeing him; *but my best friend has, and she said he asked for my number. She is not telling me if she gave it to him or not.* But he has not contacted me, so I am guessing, she did not.
> 
> ...


If she is truly your friend, she told him he couldn't have your number and that you're married and his behavior is inappropriate.

Remind yourself that this is a stranger. This is someone you don't know, and what you do know about him is that he chases after married women, which means he's not a nice person. You're all caught up in a fantasy, this is no different than having a crush on a movie star because this fantasy man isn't real.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> What she described is NOTHING like a "mid-life crisis".


I'm not going there either but she might want to make sure she isn't having any imbalance just to be sure.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Lynnsnake said:


> Couple things you can do. When you have sex with your husband, fantasize about the young man. When you are having an orgasm, pretend it’s the young guy inside you. After you’re finished see how you feel. Feel guilty? You probably will. When the guilt goes away, do you still want it with the young man? If yes, that’s a sign that you should go for it. You only live once, are young once, and your body is quickly changing. Get the most from it while you can. Or, you can feel out your husband’s thoughts on a threesome. Or what does he think about cuckolding. You might be surprised.


You are disgusting.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

sunshinie said:


> I am a happily married woman in my forties, albeit a little bored. My husband and I have been together for over 20 years and he is the only man I have ever kissed, made love with etc. I refer to him as 'my first everything'. Our lives is honestly great and I could not have asked for a better partner.
> 
> However, a month ago, my best-friend and I visited our favorite restaurant and I had an instant connection with one of the new employees. He looks to be about half my age. The pull between us was so strong that I was floored. I left the restaurant soon after, not being able to focus on anything but him. His interest in me was very obvious as well. I have not visited the restaurant since for fear of seeing him; but my best friend has, and she said he asked for my number. She is not telling me if she gave it to him or not. But he has not contacted me, so I am guessing, she did not.
> 
> ...


You can't always control who you feel an attraction for, but you can control how you respond. So far you've responded in a very honorable way. Keep this in mind. Did this kid know you were married? If so, do you really desire to be with a man that has no respect for your marriage and the vows you've taken? He sees you as nothing but a piece of meat. Maybe that thought can help you get over the feeling. Other than that is time and not hyper focusing on the feeling.

Also, hopefully your friend didn't give out your number, reiterated that you are a happily married woman and not interested. If she did anything less you may really want to think about whether or not she is actually a friend of your marriage.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It sounds like it could have more to do with just feeling like your marriage is comfortable, but not “exciting.”

I wouldn’t dwell on it, honestly. What we focus on can often consume us so just be flattered and move on. I disagree to fantasize about the guy in bed, but don’t overthink if the occasional thought pops into your head of him. Accept it for what it was, a moment. The more you think of it as just some flattery and nothing more, and the less you wonder if this could mean “something more,” the easier the thoughts will lessen.

But take the focus back to your marriage and perhaps you and your husband can plan a fun trip to go on or something that puts a little adventure into your lives.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

It is simply a lustful encounter, your body kicks up those endorphins as nature has programmed us to be. Sometimes it could be someone's look, or smell, or voice, or just about anything to cause that initial rush. 

Enjoy the feeling, nothing to be ashamed of, but also steer clear of any entanglement.


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## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

Lynnsnake said:


> Couple things you can do. When you have sex with your husband, fantasize about the young man. When you are having an orgasm, pretend it’s the young guy inside you. After you’re finished see how you feel. Feel guilty? You probably will. When the guilt goes away, do you still want it with the young man? If yes, that’s a sign that you should go for it. You only live once, are young once, and your body is quickly changing. Get the most from it while you can. Or, you can feel out your husband’s thoughts on a threesome. Or what does he think about cuckolding. You might be surprised.


Last time I checked... this website wasn't - Talk about Divorce.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Did this kid know you were married? If so, do you really desire to be with a man that has no respect for your marriage and the vows you've taken? He sees you as nothing but a piece of meat. Maybe that thought can help you get over the feeling. Other than that is time and not hyper focusing on the feeling.


If she is experiencing anything like I did, logic and reason are no defense against it. Keeping absolutely clear of the person and directing my passion and desires at my wife did help.

A real problem with this is not using the desire type of energy that is built up. Denying it is there is like lying to your prom date about having an erection she has already felt against her all night.

Her desire is there. Thinking about taxes or cooking while trying to ignore it will probably lead to frustration and possibly more fantasizing.

Pouring that energy into her husband will help spend it while continuing to strengthen and grow her relationship with her husband.

As time passes and this attraction fades, her investment of this energy will pay dividends for her connection to her husband as well as his toward her 

Ask me how I know.😉😎


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> I'm not going there either but she might want to make sure she isn't having any imbalance just to be sure.


Very true!! And your advice was really helpful to get her to think about that!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

@sunshinie , you have nothing to feel ashamed about. You are an obviously honorable and faithful woman. Instant attractions can, and do, happen to anyone.

Focus those desires on your husband and take it out on him.

This will pass.😉


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

It's funny to me how people ascribe a natural sexual attraction occurrence to all kinds of silly crap, like "middle age crisis" and other aromatic herbs.

When two individuals that just met feel that incredibly strong sexual attraction that seems to bind them together like the two polar opposites of a magnet, what they are actually experiencing is very strong chemical compatibility. Just as any other species in this planet that procreates through two sexes, "Pheromones" are being released, when two individuals that are a strong pheromonal match, incredibly euphorical sexual attraction ensues. That's all. It does wanes after a period of time. Those pheromones are inhaled (the vomeronasal organ, located in the nasal cavity) they do attach to your brain receptors creating a chemical image that binds and creates a biofeedback of endorphins and hormones that want you to just mate with that person. Of course, we can defeat (not always, as we all know) with reasoning and Pros/cons those feelings. Take for example the Black Widow mating ritual, the much smaller males will at the risk of his own life try to mate with the big female. The drive is so strong that they will chance it. If after depositing his sperm the small male does not takes off quickly, he will end up being a meal to the female he just copulated with.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

red oak said:


> It’s your prerogative if you want to think the cougar phenomenon isn’t part of a mid-life crisis.
> 
> I find it funny how if men buy fancy cars and start dating much younger women it’s called a mid-life crisis but the cougar phenomenon supposedly isn’t part of one.
> Good day.


Yet if you came on here saying only that you'd been crazy attracted to a woman half your age, had no intention of acting on it, and told your wife you'd likely be assured that desiring young women was completely normal and nothing to worry about.

But somehow a woman having these thoughts only is cause for a freak out?

There's a large area between being attracted to a much younger person and leaving it at that and actually buying a sports car and dating much younger women.

If I was punished for every random thought I had about punching someone in the face I'd be in a lot of trouble.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

What's normal is for a woman who has only been with one man to want to explore and, yes, have attraction sometimes for other men. As a married woman who seems to love her husband, you need to resist the urge, of course. If it becomes an issue, rather than cheat, you need to get out of the marriage. 

I would NOT say anything to your husband about it. He will never trust you again and probably start putting trackers on your phone, car, etc. 

Young men are more attractive in their prime, certainly, and young women. That's not excuse to cheat. If you want to keep your marriage, just stop focusing on this.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> What she described is NOTHING like a "mid-life crisis".


I disagree...

Some crises are real crises and not those common, middling year, _what if's._

Hers are definitely that crises+ with her (so) yearning for those younger stiffs. (stiffys).
...........................................................................................

I equate it with her Natal Moon being shot-peened, and hot tweaked by say, a transiting Uranus, which seeks, and demands change.
That change is dependent on House placement.

It also could be a 5th or 7th House phenomenon.

It is no coincidence that the forties are noted for and ripe for affairs of the heart, the heat and the hard.


Many things factor in this:

Children are usually older. More free time for parents.

Marriages are mature, at the15 to 20 year mark.

Marriages have settled into a routine, often not so romantic.

The marriage partners are feeling, both their advancing age, their dwindling prospects of added romance.
There is that feeling of Its _now or never_ for going after something more fulfilling.

Marriages at this point are usually stuck in a rut, with less actual rutting occurring!
Actually, more rust showing.
..........................................................................................

Certain slow moving planets at birth, _if afflicted_, make their squares during this period. 

Or, those that are Natal close together, make that leap from being more than 1 degree apart to less, in the _progression._

Other House situations, the 5th, or the 7th can additionally precipitate adversely during this midlife period, i.e., those actual transits.

This interpretation is not an actual representation of the facts.
All references to it should be taken as speculation.
Are Dee-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yet if you came on here saying only that you'd been crazy attracted to a woman half your age, had no intention of acting on it, and told your wife you'd likely be assured that desiring young women was completely normal and nothing to worry about.
> 
> But somehow a woman having these thoughts only is cause for a freak out?
> 
> ...


Me too!
I would be jailed for life.

That said, I have aged out of that violent thinking.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

bobert said:


> She's doing the right things though. She left the restaurant, didn't get his number or anything, hasn't gone back to the restaurant, told her husband about it, wants the feeling to go away.
> 
> She's not saying she wants to do it. She's asking how to make the feeling stop.


You make the feeling stop by thinking through the damn consequences. This resonates heavily with me as my FWW was banging someone 15 years younger.... so lets think this through..... I have a husband who loves me.... I have a 20 something hunk who wants my number....I am attracted to him....what if I decided to hook up with him? What will likely be the consequences? Hmmm.,,, I could have a grand time banging this young stud....I will feel desirable.... yadda yadda yadda. On the down side, you will have to live with yourself, should your husband learn of your indiscretion, he most likely will not be happy should he learn of this.... if he has any self respect, he will drop the ziggy on you in the form of divorce papers....you may or many not be able to reconcile....your children will lose respect for you and become alienated most likely.....

So OP tell me if this would be worth it.

PS: Simple I play the ponies. Risk vs. Reward...Is the risk worth the reward? Hell no its not.Stop!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lynnsnake said:


> Couple things you can do. When you have sex with your husband, fantasize about the young man. When you are having an orgasm, pretend it’s the young guy inside you. After you’re finished see how you feel. Feel guilty? You probably will. When the guilt goes away, do you still want it with the young man? If yes, that’s a sign that you should go for it. You only live once, are young once, and your body is quickly changing. Get the most from it while you can. Or, you can feel out your husband’s thoughts on a threesome. Or what does he think about cuckolding. You might be surprised.


Dreadful advise.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

I can't speak specifically to what is normal for a woman, but I am sure many, if not most. people experience this at least once. I experienced this once and yes I found it confusing. I still do not understand why the pull was so strong and almost instant. I dealt with it by picturing my spouse and family whenever I got those feelings. That, avoiding being around her and time allowed those feelings to fade. 
You seem to be doing everything right, which is great. Do everything to avoid being in his presence. This is much easier to do in your case than it was for me. If your friend gave him your number, she is not much of a friend and she is no friend of your marriage.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

sunshinie said:


> I am a happily married woman in my forties, albeit a little bored. My husband and I have been together for over 20 years and he is the only man I have ever kissed, made love with etc. I refer to him as 'my first everything'. Our lives is honestly great and I could not have asked for a better partner.
> 
> However, a month ago, my best-friend and I visited our favorite restaurant and I had an instant connection with one of the new employees. He looks to be about half my age. The pull between us was so strong that I was floored. I left the restaurant soon after, not being able to focus on anything but him. His interest in me was very obvious as well. I have not visited the restaurant since for fear of seeing him; but my best friend has, and she said he asked for my number. She is not telling me if she gave it to him or not. But he has not contacted me, so I am guessing, she did not.
> 
> ...


I don't think this is all that unusual honestly. People run into people randomly they have an attraction to and sometimes those thoughts linger. All you need is some self control and time to forget about it. The fact you were open with you husband about it shows you are committed to your marriage and thats a good thing. Being married doesn't prevent attraction to other people, thats just a natural thing that happens to everyone. You probably just ran into this guy at the right moment were you were feeling good, probably the right mix of hormones flowing and boom. 

This shouldn't be a major concern and you have handled it very well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sunshinie said:


> I am a happily married woman in my forties, albeit a little bored. My husband and I have been together for over 20 years and he is the only man I have ever kissed, made love with etc. I refer to him as 'my first everything'. Our lives is honestly great and I could not have asked for a better partner.
> 
> However, a month ago, my best-friend and I visited our favorite restaurant and I had an instant connection with one of the new employees. He looks to be about half my age. The pull between us was so strong that I was floored. I left the restaurant soon after, not being able to focus on anything but him. His interest in me was very obvious as well. I have not visited the restaurant since for fear of seeing him; but my best friend has, and she said he asked for my number. She is not telling me if she gave it to him or not. But he has not contacted me, so I am guessing, she did not.
> 
> ...


This is a reaction to pheromones. You know what that is, right? 

It will go away with time. You can make it go away quicker .... We can't control our initial gut reaction to things. But we humans can step back, take a deep breath, and then decide how to react going forward. You are in 100% control of how you react/act to this. Every time you think of this guy, think of something very boring, bad, and/or disgusting. If you have children, think of how your children will hate you or look down on you if you follow this infatuation. Think of how your will hurt your husband. I mean really get into what it would be like.

Over time it will associate him with those things. 

Over time this will fade. DO NOT alter your life in any way because of this infatuation. It's not worth losing your marriage and family over.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> This is a reaction to pheromones. You know what that is, right?
> 
> It will go away with time. You can make it go away quicker .... We can't control our initial gut reaction to things. But we humans can step back, take a deep breath, and then decide how to react going forward. You are in 100% control of how you react/act to this. Every time you think of this guy, think of something very boring, bad, and/or disgusting. If you have children, think of how your children will hate you or look down on you if you follow this infatuation. Think of how your will hurt your husband. I mean really get into what it would be like.
> 
> ...


If I could like 1000 Times!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lynnsnake said:


> Couple things you can do. When you have sex with your husband, fantasize about the young man. When you are having an orgasm, pretend it’s the young guy inside you. After you’re finished see how you feel. Feel guilty? You probably will. When the guilt goes away, do you still want it with the young man? If yes, that’s a sign that you should go for it. You only live once, are young once, and your body is quickly changing. Get the most from it while you can. Or, you can feel out your husband’s thoughts on a threesome. Or what does he think about cuckolding. You might be surprised.


I think this is a horrible idea. Why? Because the more she fantasizes about it the more the fantasy will grow.

From the 2007 film _Pathfinder:_
*Starfire*: "There are two wolves fighting in each man’s heart. One is love, the other is hate." _{In this case the two wolves are lust and love ~ Elegirl}_​*Ghost*: "Which one wins?"​*Starfire*: "The one you feed the most."​


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I think this is a horrible idea. Why? Because the more she fantasizes about it the more the fantasy will grow.
> 
> From the 2007 film _Pathfinder:_
> *Starfire*: "There are two wolves fighting in each man’s heart. One is love, the other is hate." _{In this case the two wolves are lust and love ~ Elegirl}_​*Ghost*: "Which one wins?"​*Starfire*: "The one you feed the most."​


Also they are advocating that she should cheat. Even if the lad wanted to its appalling advise.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I am glad you didn’t do anything about it. The trip I was just on I had two older ladies hit on me.

One was like hey do you want to get a limo and share it to the city (wife was having her nails done). I was like um, no thank you, I think I need to find my wife. I told my wife and she was like, you mean that lady? She didn’t seem threatened by it.

I felt like a sex object.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

sunshinie said:


> However, a month ago, my best-friend and I visited our favorite restaurant and I had an instant connection with one of the new employees. He looks to be about half my age. The pull between us was so strong that I was floored.


Now that was an experience, wasn't it? I read the replies to your post as well. I understand that people are going in deep abut the situation here but I think there could be an alternate explanation as well for this whole thing. Wanna know what it could be? It's called as "Working the customer for the tips "


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Asterix said:


> Now that was an experience, wasn't it? I read the replies to your post as well. I understand that people are going in deep abut the situation here but I think there could be an alternate explanation as well for this whole thing. Wanna know what it could be? It's called as "Working the customer for the tips "


Now that's very true. Good point. Women, and men servers do it if their smart.
And guy servers if built that way will relentlessly use their restuarant job to get phone numbers.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Asterix said:


> Now that was an experience, wasn't it? I read the replies to your post as well. I understand that people are going in deep abut the situation here but I think there could be an alternate explanation as well for this whole thing. Wanna know what it could be? It's called as "Working the customer for the tips "


Whoops! I misread that the young man was not her employee!

He did ask the friend for her number.

He wants to give her a tip.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Whoops! I misread that the young man was not her employee!
> 
> He did ask the friend for her number.
> 
> He wants to give her a tip.


Just the tip? 🤔🫃


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rooster Cogburn said:


> Last time I checked... this website wasn't - Talk about Divorce.


Or talk about cheating.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

If your husband is a big enough dope to let you sit there and talk to him all about your connection with another man it's no wonder you've never felt anything like this before. 

If you want to die without ever having experienced raw passion, stay with your husband. If you don't want to and are willing to risk blowing up your life for it then send over your number.


----------



## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

I believe the term for this condition is limerence.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

sunshinie said:


> I am a happily married woman in my forties, albeit a little bored. My husband and I have been together for over 20 years and he is the only man I have ever kissed, made love with etc. I refer to him as 'my first everything'. Our lives is honestly great and I could not have asked for a better partner.
> 
> However, a month ago, my best-friend and I visited our favorite restaurant and I had an instant connection with one of the new employees. He looks to be about half my age. The pull between us was so strong that I was floored. I left the restaurant soon after, not being able to focus on anything but him. His interest in me was very obvious as well. I have not visited the restaurant since for fear of seeing him; but my best friend has, and she said he asked for my number. She is not telling me if she gave it to him or not. But he has not contacted me, so I am guessing, she did not.
> 
> ...


Good luck destroying your life, and you worst you husband's who doesn't deserve it.

If your friend gave him your number she is an asshole and doesn't care about you at all by the way. Imagine someone said I am going to go burn down that ladies house and kill her husband and your friend gave him your address. Same thing.

What a straight up POS.

Now go through all my post and see if I have ever wrote something so harsh.

All this is is a typical mid life crisis. Guess what like everyone else in this world you can't relive your youth. You would do well to remember all the **** that cam with it too, before you met your husband, all the insecurities and loneliness. The thing about life is you don't get to have that enjoyment of youth the other.

So some young guy thinks your cute. That's nice but that should be where it stops. 

You are your husband's wife, your job, you responsibility is to PROTECT HIM, even from the worst of yourself. Cut it out OP. Or it won't work out good for you.

Go read on SurvivingInfidelity.com. Read every story from the people cheated on but replace you names with your own and your husbands. The read every cheaters desperation at being dumped or their spouse now discussed by them and put yourself in their situation. 

That will be your life. But hey the young guy want's to have a night or two with you, before moving on. She sure as hell ain't going to dry your tears.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lynnsnake said:


> Couple things you can do. When you have sex with your husband, fantasize about the young man. When you are having an orgasm, pretend it’s the young guy inside you. After you’re finished see how you feel. Feel guilty? You probably will. When the guilt goes away, do you still want it with the young man? If yes, that’s a sign that you should go for it. You only live once, are young once, and your body is quickly changing. Get the most from it while you can. Or, you can feel out your husband’s thoughts on a threesome. Or what does he think about cuckolding. You might be surprised.


Yep and then enjoy the rest of your life in shambles. 

What remarkably stupid advice. Congratulations.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

gaius said:


> If your husband is a big enough dope to let you sit there and talk to him all about your connection with another man it's no wonder you've never felt anything like this before.
> 
> If you want to die without ever having experienced raw passion, stay with your husband. If you don't want to and are willing to risk blowing up your life for it then send over your number.


Firstly how do you know she has never experienced real passion with her husband?. Secondly the young guy may be a terrible lover and third why are you encouraging her to cheat?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What sort of awful person your friend is for giving him your number. She is not a friend of your marriage.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

gaius said:


> If your husband is a big enough dope to let you sit there and talk to him all about your connection with another man it's no wonder you've never felt anything like this before.


That's a stupid assumption. Everyone is going to have attractions and connections to other people, married or not. What matters is how they handle those feelings. Does the spouse always need to know? No, but telling them is certainly one way to nip it in the bud. Some huge overreaction by the spouse is not needed, and certainly doesn't encourage openness in the future.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> What sort of awful person your friend is for giving him your number. She is not a friend of your marriage.


It's only speculation about that because she doesn't know and she hasn't received a call so the young guy probably didn't get it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

gaius said:


> If your husband is a big enough dope to let you sit there and talk to him all about your connection with another man it's no wonder you've never felt anything like this before.
> 
> If you want to die without ever having experienced raw passion, stay with your husband. If you don't want to and are willing to risk blowing up your life for it then send over your number.


Not a connection, a weird attraction and she was right to talk to him about it. I have that level of transparency with my wife as well.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Good luck destroying your life, and you worst you husband's who doesn't deserve it.
> 
> If your friend gave him your number she is an asshole and doesn't care about you at all by the way. Imagine someone said I am going to go burn down that ladies house and kill her husband and your friend gave him your address. Same thing.
> 
> ...


Well, she asked about the weird attraction and also how to get rid of it and she is avoiding even encountering the young man again and she talked to her husband about it so I don't really see her as aiming to cheat at all.

Quite the opposite actually.

Infidelity takes place in the darkness and this woman walks in the light.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Kind of burying the lead here. I perused the responses but didn't read them all fully. If somebody else mentioned it, great. 



sunshinie said:


> I am a happily married woman in my forties, albeit a little bored.


Can you talk some more about the above?

I don't think what you experienced is unusual at all. Frankly it's quite normal. Happens to guys all of the time. What you decide to do about it on the other hand, can have vast and far reaching consequences. None of them good.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> No it isn't!! That's ridiculous, she is confused and unhappy about the feelings, and she even shared everything with her husband to get his opinion and support about it.
> 
> That's the polar opposite of what happens in a mid-life crisis.


In case someone else didn't get to this, let me say that this is part and parcel of the mid life crisis. It's the temptations that are the crisis, not whether they are acted upon or not, nor whether they are wanted or not. That's what makes it a "crisis". The struggle to decide whether to give in to the temptations and relive youth, so to speak. I think you are focusing in more on the media portrayal of mid life crisis, where the person usually does end up cheating or at least flirting up a storm.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yet if you came on here saying only that you'd been crazy attracted to a woman half your age, had no intention of acting on it, and told your wife you'd likely be assured that desiring young women was completely normal and nothing to worry about.
> 
> *But somehow a woman having these thoughts only is cause for a freak out?*
> 
> ...


Who freaking out? Maybe you replied to wrong one.
I gave information to possibly help alleviate it.

What she described is called obsessing.


> …not being able to focus on anything but him. I am so confused. My problem is, I can't seem to get him out of my head after just one encounter. I admit, the feeling is exciting but unwanted.


The obsessing is what makes it dangerous to her relationship just as it would if it was her husband the one experiencing it rather than her.
I’ve seen these play out for both sexes. To overcome one need identify and reflect.

As I stated before, ashamedly, in another thread I was that young man older women went after few times. “OMG, I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind since I saw/talked to you.…..”


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Not a connection, a weird attraction and she was right to talk to him about it. I have that level of transparency with my wife as well.


So your wife likes to come home from work and tell you about some guy she has a strong desire to screw? And you just sit there and nod your head? And you're glad she has that level of transparency with you?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

gaius said:


> So your wife likes to come home from work and tell you about some guy she has a strong desire to screw? And you just sit there and nod your head? And you're glad she has that level of transparency with you?


You might as well skip this as you have no clue. Quit being an oblivious ass and I might elaborate.

I engaged respectfully with you. No need for belligerence.

I'm nearing 31 years successfully with my wife and I don't mind sharing but you can can your bullshyt attitude.

OP did not say or illustrate by her actions that she wanted to have sex with the guy.

She had a weird attraction which does happen and she eliminated the possibility of seeing the guy again and talked with her husband about what happened which was a weird attraction and that is where she stopped it .

You're making a scenario that didn't get posted about.

I'm actually the one in our relationship that has had a couple of times I had to have a conversation with my wife about and I didn't want to have sex with the other women which is why I chose to behave as I did.

My wife needed to know why I wouldn't attend certain functions for a while or accept a ride from a certain coworker.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> You might as well skip this as you have no clue. Quit being an oblivious ass and I might elaborate.
> 
> I engaged respectfully with you. No need for belligerence.
> 
> I'm nearing 31 years successfully with my wife and I don't mind sharing but you can can your bullshyt attitude.


Conan, this woman came home, told her husband about her attraction to another man and he didn't seem to care. You approved and said you have the same transparency with your wife. Why is repeating what you said back to you some form of disrespect? Do you get mad when you're under a bridge and you hear your echo? "Screw you and your bullshyt bridge I've been nothing but nice to you!"

Unless you meant it's ok for you to do but not for your wife. But in that case you'd be agreeing with me. So what are you arguing about? 

Bottom line, women don't feel all tingly about men who sit around and listen to how they want to screw some other guy. And every woman should get to feel that tingly feeling at least once in their lifetime, IMO.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

bobert said:


> That's a stupid assumption. Everyone is going to have attractions and connections to other people, married or not. What matters is how they handle those feelings. Does the spouse always need to know? No, but telling them is certainly one way to nip it in the bud. Some huge overreaction by the spouse is not needed, and certainly doesn't encourage openness in the future.


What's stupid Bobert is thinking that turning your husband into an orbiter, and him accepting that role, is going to do any favors for a marriage. Especially when the woman is already daydreaming about some other guy.

And yeah, what a tragedy if the wife isn't encouraged to be open with her husband about every other man she wants to have sex with. Unless the husband is a cuckold that's what girlfriends are for


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Firstly how do you know she has never experienced real passion with her husband?. Secondly the young guy may be a terrible lover and third why are you encouraging her to cheat?


All she had to say about her husband was he was "her first everything" and he makes a great partner. She didn't say they had passion that faded. Does that sound very passionate to you? It doesn't to me. It's usually exactly what you say about a spouse you're not passionate about.

And he might be an awful lover, he might dump her right after he beds her, might have micropenis, or they might live happily ever after. That's why she needs to prepare for her whole world to blow up if she takes the chance. Which would include divorcing her husband.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

gaius said:


> If your husband is a big enough dope to let you sit there and talk to him all about your connection with another man it's no wonder you've never felt anything like this before.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> It's only speculation about that because she doesn't know and she hasn't received a call so the young guy probably didn't get it.


Or hopefully he thought better of it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She said she is happily married. That sounds pretty good to me..


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

red oak said:


> It’s your prerogative if you want to think the cougar phenomenon isn’t part of a mid-life crisis.
> 
> I find it funny how if men buy fancy cars and start dating much younger women it’s called a mid-life crisis but the cougar phenomenon supposedly isn’t part of one.
> Good day.


I'm pretty sure that she was trying to say that by not perusing him it wasn't mid-life crisis, not that the cougar phenomenon doesn't happen.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> What's normal is for a woman who has only been with one man to want to explore and, yes, have attraction sometimes for other men. As a married woman who seems to love her husband, you need to resist the urge, of course. If it becomes an issue, rather than cheat, you need to get out of the marriage.
> 
> I would NOT say anything to your husband about it. He will never trust you again and probably start putting trackers on your phone, car, etc.
> 
> Young men are more attractive in their prime, certainly, and young women. That's not excuse to cheat. If you want to keep your marriage, just stop focusing on this.


I'm wondering if anyone pointed it out prior, but she already told her husband long before she posted, and he was supportive of her. Why would a spouse lose all trust in you if you tell them that an attraction occurred, but nothing else happened. "You were honest with me! I will never trust you again!"

Also, focusing on it is her problem and she's trying to stop and can't. Sometimes the mind does get stuck on something, even if we as a person don't want to dwell on it. She's trying to stop thinking about it. I am somehow doubtful that you read the OP at all, and just skimmed it at best.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> You make the feeling stop by thinking through the damn consequences.


Glad that is so easy for you, but that doesn't make it easy for others. She is thinking it through because she is not acting on it, but that doesn't mean the thoughts and feelings stop.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> BTW, him asking for your number was a really crappy thing to do being that your his married boss.


Didn't see where anyone caught this by the end of page two. You do realize that he was a server in a restaurant, and not her employee, right?

ETA: And of course the very first post on page 3 is you catching your error yourself. ROFL!


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> I'm wondering if anyone pointed it out prior, but she already told her husband long before she posted, and he was supportive of her. Why would a spouse lose all trust in you if you tell them that an attraction occurred, but nothing else happened. "You were honest with me! I will never trust you again!"


You're poly so you might like that kind of thing. But for someone who's monogamous, the idea of coming home to my wife telling me all about how she's having a desire to sleep with some other guy is about as disrespectful as it gets. 

Might she have that feeling some day? I guess anything is possible. But if it's consuming her to the point where she completely forgets all respect for me, that she should be telling me how much she wants me, not some other guy, then that's the end of our marriage. If that's what I have to put up with to go around saying I've been married for 20, 30 years, forget it.

And me not putting up with something like that is one of the reasons we have the passion we do.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

gaius said:


> You're poly so you might like that kind of thing. But for someone who's monogamous, the idea of coming home to my wife telling me all about how she's having a desire to sleep with some other guy is about as disrespectful as it gets.
> 
> Might she have that feeling some day? I guess anything is possible. But if it's consuming her to the point where she completely forgets all respect for me, that she should be telling me how much she wants me, not some other guy, then that's the end of our marriage. If that's what I have to put up with to go around saying I've been married for 20, 30 years, forget it.
> 
> And me not putting up with something like that is one of the reasons we have the passion we do.


I think it depends on how the wife presents it to her husband. If she comes to him all excited about this young stud she has the hots for that is disrespectful. If she says , honey I need your help, I had these unwanted feeling about a young guy and I don't like it, that is a whole different story.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think it depends on how the wife presents it to her husband. If she comes to him all excited about this young stud she has the hots for that is disrespectful. If she says , honey I need your help, I had these unwanted feeling about a young guy and I don't like it, that is a whole different story.


Exact same thing to me. 

I'm not my wife's gay friend, there to help her work through her feelings for another guy and pick out makeup. If she wants to try and demote me to that role then she needs to just go be with that other guy.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

So let me see if I am understanding this right; the Op, a living, breathing human being, found a young man, another living, breathing human being, appealing and she got the tingles??

SHOCKING!! Simply shocking! 😮


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## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> If she is truly your friend, she told him he couldn't have your number and that you're married and his behavior is inappropriate.
> 
> Remind yourself that this is a stranger. This is someone you don't know, and what you do know about him is that he chases after married women, which means he's not a nice person. You're all caught up in a fantasy, this is no different than having a crush on a movie star because this fantasy man isn't real.
> 
> If I could turn on my projector, I wonder if it's not that it's really flattering to have someone so good looking respond to you in kind, especially as we age. This happens to men too. It's exciting and the fantasy (unlike the nasty, humiliating and life-ruining reality) is romantic and fun. My advice is to discipline yourself; whenever you think about him, remember he isn't real and you're being silly, and force yourself to stop thinking about him by doing something else. Kind of like remembering there are Oreos in the pantry: I may think they're great but the reality is that they make things worse and not better.


Thank you, I think this is great advise. I'll remind myself 'he is not real'. My husband is currently teasing me about it calling me a cougar, but I am so ashamed and shocked that this has happened. "But he is not real".


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

gaius said:


> You're poly so you might like that kind of thing. But for someone who's monogamous, the idea of coming home to my wife telling me all about how she's having a desire to sleep with some other guy is about as disrespectful as it gets.
> 
> Might she have that feeling some day? I guess anything is possible. But if it's consuming her to the point where she completely forgets all respect for me, that she should be telling me how much she wants me, not some other guy, then that's the end of our marriage. If that's what I have to put up with to go around saying I've been married for 20, 30 years, forget it.
> 
> And me not putting up with something like that is one of the reasons we have the passion we do.


I'm the farthest thing from poly and very territorial.

This is something you really can't grasp or even have the tools to talk about.

You're painting a picture of a worm coming out of an apple when there's a bowl of berries on the table.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

gaius said:


> Conan, this woman came home, told her husband about her attraction to another man and he didn't seem to care. You approved and said you have the same transparency with your wife. Why is repeating what you said back to you some form of disrespect? Do you get mad when you're under a bridge and you hear your echo? "Screw you and your bullshyt bridge I've been nothing but nice to you!"
> 
> Unless you meant it's ok for you to do but not for your wife. But in that case you'd be agreeing with me. So what are you arguing about?
> 
> Bottom line, women don't feel all tingly about men who sit around and listen to how they want to screw some other guy. And every woman should get to feel that tingly feeling at least once in their lifetime, IMO.


I tried to converse with you about something you got wrong about this situation.

You responded with a level of belligerence that definitely wasn't given to you.

The last paragraph indicates you really don't have a clue about what I'm talking about.

There is a world of difference between a feeling, urge or attraction and wanting to have sex with someone.

The urges and feelings happen to pretty much everyone at some time or another.

Wanting to have sex with someone else is a choice that OP did not make. She showed she certainly didn't want to have sex with him.

You've shown more than once you can't grasp certain concepts.

Asking about things you don't understand is a better way to get information instead of belligerence.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sunshinie said:


> Thank you, I think this is great advise. I'll remind myself 'he is not real'. My husband is currently teasing me about it calling me a cougar, but I am so ashamed and shocked that this has happened. "But he is not real".


It sounds like you have a good relationship with your husband.🙂


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

gaius said:


> What's stupid Bobert is thinking that turning your husband into an orbiter, and him accepting that role, is going to do any favors for a marriage. Especially when the woman is already daydreaming about some other guy.
> 
> And yeah, what a tragedy if the wife isn't encouraged to be open with her husband about every other man she wants to have sex with. Unless the husband is a cuckold that's what girlfriends are for


You have a bitter bachelor, YouTube, shallow manosphere talking point kind of take on this.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

sunshinie said:


> Thank you, I think this is great advise. I'll remind myself 'he is not real'. My husband is currently teasing me about it calling me a cougar, but I am so ashamed and shocked that this has happened. "But he is not real".


I kind of know what you're going through. For me, it was a silly movie star crush. On someone who in real life is a POS, so it makes NO sense. I never shared anything about it with my H, because it was just so ridiculous. What I realized was that for me, it wasn't that particular person, or any person. It was me coming to grips with the fact that I am now so old that someone that age is too young for me (he was 38, I was 48). It had nothing in the world to do with him, it had to do with me struggling to let go of the sexual part of my life. I wasn't ready for it to be over.

I think it's cute your husband is teasing you about being a cougar. I wonder if on some level he's not thinking, "My wife is so hot she can attract a super young guy. I am THE MAN." 😉


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Younger Man fever


Now that was an experience, wasn't it? I read the replies to your post as well. I understand that people are going in deep abut the situation here but I think there could be an alternate explanation as well for this whole thing. Wanna know what it could be? It's called as "Working the customer...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com






Here is a link to the post where you took what I said, pretty much ignored it and made up your own ridiculous take on it. @gaius 

Belligerence.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

sunshinie said:


> Thank you, I think this is great advise. I'll remind myself 'he is not real'. My husband is currently teasing me about it calling me a cougar, but I am so ashamed and shocked that this has happened. "But he is not real".


He’s not real? You’re actively obsessing so much about a guy young enough to be your son, that you told your husband and are on a forum discussing it. Have you ever heard, What your mind dwells upon, the body acts upon? 

While I admire you staying away from this guy, it’s sad that it requires so much willpower to prevent you from blowing up the specialness that you have with your husband. Sadly I’m getting the vibe that you no longer want your husband to be your one and only.

I personally think it is beautiful to be each other’s one and only but today, unless you’ve had a dozen sex partners, you haven’t really lived. If you keep on letting your mind dwell on this guy, soon you’ll bring to fruition the destruction of what you had. Then you can be like everyone else, divorce and all.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> I'm wondering if anyone pointed it out prior, but she already told her husband long before she posted, and he was supportive of her. Why would a spouse lose all trust in you if you tell them that an attraction occurred, but nothing else happened. "You were honest with me! I will never trust you again!"
> 
> Also, focusing on it is her problem and she's trying to stop and can't. Sometimes the mind does get stuck on something, even if we as a person don't want to dwell on it. She's trying to stop thinking about it. I am somehow doubtful that you read the OP at all, and just skimmed it at best.


Yeah but a lot of men would just go ballistic and never trust her again.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> So let me see if I am understanding this right; the Op, a living, breathing human being, found a young man, another living, breathing human being, appealing and she got the tingles??
> 
> SHOCKING!! Simply shocking! 😮


I.. I can't believe it!!! 😱😆


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

gaius said:


> Exact same thing to me.
> 
> I'm not my wife's gay friend, there to help her work through her feelings for another guy and pick out makeup. If she wants to try and demote me to that role then she needs to just go be with that other guy.


So the least disrespectful thing to do in your opinion is to be kept in the dark?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

On a side note, but still related to this topic, check out the series The One on Netflix. The gist of it is they find a way to find your perfect match with perfect chemistry through DNA. Kind of an interesting idea. And it covers some of the pitfalls if it were possible for this to happen.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yeah but a lot of men would just go ballistic and never trust her again.


It would be nice if everyone could communicate openly, but you are right. Hopefully the wife knows her audience.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> What sort of awful person your friend is for giving him your number. She is not a friend of your marriage.


She's not a true friend to the OP either. There is no telling what this guy is like. He could be just some young guy who flirts a bit with his customers to get better tips. Or he could be a dangerous person.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think it depends on how the wife presents it to her husband. If she comes to him all excited about this young stud she has the hots for that is disrespectful. If she says , honey I need your help, I had these unwanted feeling about a young guy and I don't like it, that is a whole different story.


I guess… but what is the expected outcome?

Honey, I was smitten with this lady I saw and I had a strong urge to want to get together with her, but then I didn’t and now I’m telling you.

Then what is she supposed to say or do?

If the shoe was on the other foot, I’d be like “uh… great I guess?” and then I’d be looking for the exit door.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

maquiscat said:


> I'm wondering if anyone pointed it out prior, but she already told her husband long before she posted, and he was supportive of her. Why would a spouse lose all trust in you if you tell them that an attraction occurred, but nothing else happened? "You were honest with me! I will never trust you again!"


This is an important point. In a healthy marriage a person should be able to tell their spouse about things like this. Sharing this can help her get it out of her system. I'm glad that her husband is secure enough to handle it.



maquiscat said:


> Also, focusing on it is her problem and she's trying to stop and can't. Sometimes the mind does get stuck on something, even if we as a person don't want to dwell on it. She's trying to stop thinking about it. I am somehow doubtful that you read the OP at all, and just skimmed it at best.


yep


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> I guess… but what is the expected outcome?
> 
> Honey, I was smitten with this lady I saw and I had a strong urge to want to get together with her, but then I didn’t and now I’m telling you.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I'm not really sure either. Maybe if nothing else, you can help establish and reinforce boundaries for that particular person, or take her to bed and remind her there's none better than you? lol

@ConanHub brought it up to his wife so she would understand why he was avoiding certain people or situations. 

Honestly if it happened to me I would probably keep it to myself unless I was experiencing a true existential crisis over the feelings and wanted help setting myself straight. Or if it was something like Conan experienced and avoiding contact would make it seem like something was off. I'd rather be upfront about why the odd behavior rather than leaving your spouse wondering what is going on.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Maybe it’s for people who have a lot of internal struggle over “this or that”. I do not, I either choose quickly or decide on AND and do all of the things.


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## mkings333 (8 mo ago)

sunshinie said:


> I am a happily married woman in my forties, albeit a little bored. My husband and I have been together for over 20 years and he is the only man I have ever kissed, made love with etc. I refer to him as 'my first everything'. Our lives is honestly great and I could not have asked for a better partner.
> 
> However, a month ago, my best-friend and I visited our favorite restaurant and I had an instant connection with one of the new employees. He looks to be about half my age. The pull between us was so strong that I was floored. I left the restaurant soon after, not being able to focus on anything but him. His interest in me was very obvious as well. I have not visited the restaurant since for fear of seeing him; but my best friend has, and she said he asked for my number. She is not telling me if she gave it to him or not. But he has not contacted me, so I am guessing, she did not.
> 
> ...


This is my greatest fear for my sons! I was a young mother at 21 and now my sons are 21, 18, and 16. All three are very handsome, tall, athletic, and look much older than they actually are. It started when they were about 15, women my age and older, noticing them in a way that was very uncomfortable for me as their mother when we were out in public. I fear an older married woman would seduce them. I have heard horror stories of jealous husbands retaliation. I can assure you my sons might look older and act older than they are, but they are in NO way on the same level emotionally, sexually, or maturity wise to be anything on the same level as a woman even 10 years older. My 18 year old works at a gym and tells me stories about the "cougars" that approach and flirt with him. No offense, but as a mother I can assure you young men are not sexual objects and worth the cost of the loyalty you have with your husband.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mkings333 said:


> This is my greatest fear for my sons! I was a young mother at 21 and now my sons are 21, 18, and 16. All three are very handsome, tall, athletic, and look much older than they actually are. It started when they were about 15, women my age and older, noticing them in a way that was very uncomfortable for me as their mother when we were out in public. I fear an older married woman would seduce them. I have heard horror stories of jealous husbands retaliation. I can assure you my sons might look older and act older than they are, but they are in NO way on the same level emotionally, sexually, or maturity wise to be anything on the same level as a woman even 10 years older. My 18 year old works at a gym and tells me stories about the "cougars" that approach and flirt with him. No offense, but as a mother I can assure you young men are not sexual objects and worth the cost of the loyalty you have with your husband.


This is no different than that has happened to teen girls since the dawn of time. When my stepdaughter was 15 she worked at a bowling alley. It was disgusting to watch how adult men acted towards her. She looked physically more mature. But those men knew her age.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It would be nice if everyone could communicate openly, but you are right. Hopefully the wife knows her audience.


I mean just being on here and seeing the reaction when similar things have happened whether it be men or women who confess to a crush, if I wasn't going to act on it I would just keep it to myself and not damage the marriage. I call that shouldering responsibility.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> This is no different than that has happened to teen girls since the dawn of time. When my stepdaughter was 15 she worked at a bowling alley. It was disgusting to watch how adult men acted towards her. She looked physically more mature. But those men knew her age.


I know exactly how you mean. It's frankly embarrassing and cringe worthy to see all those guys who are old enough or older than her dad making a fool of themselves.


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## mkings333 (8 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> This is no different than that has happened to teen girls since the dawn of time. When my stepdaughter was 15 she worked at a bowling alley. It was disgusting to watch how adult men acted towards her. She looked physically more mature. But those men knew her age.


 I don't disagree, but have always wondered why it's more taboo for men to desire young women than for women too? Especially since girls mature emotionally faster than boys. I still think it's absolutely appalling for men to flirt with teenage girls, but have always questioned the double standard. I guess it's because I'm a "boy mom". I also fear how a man would respond being betrayed by his wife with a younger man, men tend to become more violent than women when their wives have affairs.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

mkings333 said:


> Especially since girls mature emotionally faster than boys.


I think you're making some interesting points but this isn't one of them.

My sisters are 50 and 48 and they still aren't grown ups.

I actually grew up before my mom did.

Physically, a girl's journey into womanhood is a much shorter distance than for boys but minds and emotions are an entirely different arena.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mkings333 said:


> I don't disagree, but have always wondered why it's more taboo for men to desire young women than for women too?


I don't think it's been more taboo for men to desire younger women then the reverse. Until recent decades, it was considered normal for older men to not only desire younger women but to also marry them. It was once very normal for a 35-40 year old man to marry a teen girl. Look at pornography, how much of it shows older women with young men? I'm sure that there is some cougar porn, but most porn is with younger looking women, even many who look like teen (and may or may not be actual teens)

In the last couple of decades things have shifted a bit where things have shifted and older men going after teen girls is seen as sexual exploitation.

In line with what you posted here, in the past it was considered ok for teens and young men to have sex older women because it was seen as a chance for the young guys to get sex... all seen from the viewpoint of the horny young guy.

I think now things are more balanced. More and more both men and woman are being held to the standard, and even the laws that govern age of consent.



mkings333 said:


> Especially since girls mature emotionally faster than boys. I still think it's absolutely appalling for men to flirt with teenage girls, but have always questioned the double standard. I guess it's because I'm a "boy mom". I also fear how a man would respond being betrayed by his wife with a younger man, men tend to become more violent than women when their wives have affairs.


Hopefully you have taught your sons strong standards to live by. I'm sure you have.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Look at pornography, how much of it shows older women with young men? I'm sure that there is some cougar porn,



Let me put it this way - Pornhub and Disney have two completely different perspectives on the portrayal of step mothers LOL 😆


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

sunshinie said:


> I am a happily married woman in my forties, albeit a little bored. My husband and I have been together for over 20 years and he is the only man I have ever kissed, made love with etc. I refer to him as 'my first everything'. Our lives is honestly great and I could not have asked for a better partner.
> 
> However, a month ago, my best-friend and I visited our favorite restaurant and I had an instant connection with one of the new employees. He looks to be about half my age. The pull between us was so strong that I was floored. I left the restaurant soon after, not being able to focus on anything but him. His interest in me was very obvious as well. I have not visited the restaurant since for fear of seeing him; but my best friend has, and she said he asked for my number. She is not telling me if she gave it to him or not. But he has not contacted me, so I am guessing, she did not.
> 
> ...


That's a tough one. My wife gave me 20 good years so far and I met her young so would perhaps consider a hall pass with major rules in place. Your husband might be understanding of the fact that you never got to experience sex with other people. What did you husband say?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

sunshinie said:


> Is this normal for a woman my age to desire such a younger man?


Yes.

It would be abnormal and unhealthy to never have attractions to people. 

We feel what we feel. It’s our actions and behaviors that determine right vs wrong, good vs bad.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

sunshinie said:


> And what can I do to get pass this feeling?


The best thing to “Do” is to do NOTHING. 

Don’t go back sniffing around for him. Don’t take his calls. Don’t send your girlfriends to see what he’s up to. Don’t go look’n for trouble. 

Simply go on about your business and stay out of his. 

This too shall pass....just like a kidney stone.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

maquiscat said:


> I'm wondering if anyone pointed it out prior, but she already told her husband long before she posted, and he was supportive of her. Why would a spouse lose all trust in you if you tell them that an attraction occurred, but nothing else happened. "You were honest with me! I will never trust you again!"
> 
> Also, focusing on it is her problem and she's trying to stop and can't. Sometimes the mind does get stuck on something, even if we as a person don't want to dwell on it. She's trying to stop thinking about it. I am somehow doubtful that you read the OP at all, and just skimmed it at best.


She didn't say he was supportive, just that he couldn't understand it.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> I guess… but what is the expected outcome?
> 
> Honey, I was smitten with this lady I saw and I had a strong urge to want to get together with her, but then I didn’t and now I’m telling you.
> 
> ...


Based on what the OP said about her husbands reaction (he’s teasing her) I would imagine she was more tactful than this. 😉😂


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## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

Mybabysgotit said:


> That's a tough one. My wife gave me 20 good years so far and I met her young so would perhaps consider a hall pass with major rules in place. Your husband might be understanding of the fact that you never got to experience sex with other people. What did you husband say?


If you don't mind I would like to address some of the other comments and yours under your chat. To answer your question, he listened, he was quiet, but then he said we will get through this too. 
Our ability to communicate freely with each other was earned through the experiences of our marriage. The changing point for us, as it related to communicating, came about a few years ago. We had an issue where my husband's best friend was coming unto me without actually coming unto me, which the term I learnt for it later was 'phishing'. Our marriage went through a really ruff patch because he didn't want to believe that his "brother" would do such a thing. Even his mother thought me a liar because their families were so close. I felt so betrayed and alone during that time. Nevertheless, after we went on vacation with his best-friend, he observed how overly attentive he was to me; how he lightly touched my arm and leg whenever he was talking to me and how he was always hovering near me and setting himself in such a way that he was always in my line of vision, having his hand circling his crotch area whenever I was around etc.. Since then he had apologized and we agreed to guard each other and our relationship. In doing that we talk things through.

He had a time when he was chatting with a younger woman after I would go to bed. Eventually he did come to me and tell me about it because he felt he was losing control and wanted that relationship to move beyond a friendship. During that time he opted to leave his phone with me when we were home, especially at night when they usually talked. We started to watch movies during those hours, drink Guinness, and eat popcorn, and so on. Eventually he was pass it. 

For me it was natural that when this occurred, I would go to him. He knows he is my world, there is no question of that, that is why this has shaken me so. I do not go out looking at other men or trying to flirt and what else not. I was not 'looking out', as my mom used to say. 

I recognize our marriage is not common but we are very happy together, we are open with each other, have a great friendship and support system for one another. It's not to say we don't have problems or argue or get jealous, it just means that we understand that we are more important to each other than anyone else.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

sunshinie said:


> If you don't mind I would like to address some of the other comments and yours under your chat. To answer your question, he listened, he was quiet, but then he said we will get through this too.
> Our ability to communicate freely with each other was earned through the experiences of our marriage. The changing point for us, as it related to communicating, came about a few years ago. We had an issue where my husband's best friend was coming unto me without actually coming unto me, which the term I learnt for it later was 'phishing'. Our marriage went through a really ruff patch because he didn't want to believe that his "brother" would do such a thing. Even his mother thought me a liar because their families were so close. I felt so betrayed and alone during that time. Nevertheless, after we went on vacation with his best-friend, he observed how overly attentive he was to me; how he lightly touched my arm and leg whenever he was talking to me and how he was always hovering near me and setting himself in such a way that he was always in my line of vision, having his hand circling his crotch area whenever I was around etc.. Since then he had apologized and we agreed to guard each other and our relationship. In doing that we talk things through.
> 
> He had a time when he was chatting with a younger woman after I would go to bed. Eventually he did come to me and tell me about it because he felt he was losing control and wanted that relationship to move beyond a friendship. During that time he opted to leave his phone with me when we were home, especially at night when they usually talked. We started to watch movies during those hours, drink Guinness, and eat popcorn, and so on. Eventually he was pass it.
> ...


I was wondering how things went on that vacation. I read some of your previous posts, but never a follow-up to that vacation you were worried about. Frankly I am surprised your husband didn't believe you since he knew that friend had an eye for you years prior and even got upset with your husband dating you.

Regardless, it looks like it ended well. It seems that you going to him about your feelings is a natural part of your relationship dynamic,.so good for you. You seem to have something pretty unique and special, so don't **** it up over some young dude, lol.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@sunshinie, When thoughts of the young man come into your mind, immediately take hold of the thought, reject it, and replace it with something else. Some people use an elastic band on their wrist and snap it when an unwanted thought comes. 
Trying to get rid of a thought and worrying about it actually makes it worse. If you are thinking, "Don't think about him. Don't think about him. Etc..." Notice how this is constantly thinking about him. Stop worrying about your thoughts and learn to take them captive when they arrive, as explained above.
It's lovely that you and your husband can talk about these things and it strengthens your relationship. It's also great that your husband is teasing you about it and helping you to take it more lightly, rather than making it into a bigger deal than it is.
I agree with others that it's a chemical reaction. Chemistry is a real thing between people. It's what you do about it that matters and it looks like you are on the right track.
Regarding your "friend." Why wouldn't she tell you if she gave the man your number or not? That doesn't sounds like much of a good friend. Rude. I'd be miffed if I had a friend who wouldn't tell me if she gave out my number or not.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

Hi there, I have been going through similar feelings lately if you read my last post. I too think it's a midlife crisis.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

gaius said:


> You're poly so you might like that kind of thing. But for someone who's monogamous, the idea of coming home to my wife telling me all about how she's having a desire to sleep with some other guy is about as disrespectful as it gets.
> 
> Might she have that feeling some day? I guess anything is possible. But if it's consuming her to the point where she completely forgets all respect for me, that she should be telling me how much she wants me, not some other guy, then that's the end of our marriage. If that's what I have to put up with to go around saying I've been married for 20, 30 years, forget it.
> 
> And me not putting up with something like that is one of the reasons we have the passion we do.


@BigDaddyNY and @ConanHub pretty much covered it already. So this doesn't come from a position of being poly. These two have such a strong marriage that she can come to him with the truth about these feelings that *she does not want*, and not feel like she is going to be punished for being honest and seeking help. Quite honestly, to me, if your marriage is not strong enough for one person to be able to do this without the other getting hurt, then how strong is the marriage really?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

gaius said:


> Exact same thing to me.
> 
> I'm not my wife's gay friend, there to help her work through her feelings for another guy and pick out makeup. If she wants to try and demote me to that role then she needs to just go be with that other guy.


As her spouse, you are there to help her work through her feelings, especially ones she doesn't want. As much as many others bring them up, what happened to "for better or *worse*, through good times and *bad*"? What is this? Whoops, I don't like that, so not only will I not help, I'll abandon her and my vows?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yeah but a lot of men would just go ballistic and never trust her again.


Which just says to me that these are men who aren't willing to go to the mat for their spouse. Again, this is not like she did cheat or wanted to cheat or anything like that. This was her feeling something out of her control and she sought the one man who should be there to help her with it. Thankfully she has a husband who is actually supportive of his wife.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sunshinie said:


> If you don't mind I would like to address some of the other comments and yours under your chat. To answer your question, he listened, he was quiet, but then he said we will get through this too.
> Our ability to communicate freely with each other was earned through the experiences of our marriage. The changing point for us, as it related to communicating, came about a few years ago. We had an issue where my husband's best friend was coming unto me without actually coming unto me, which the term I learnt for it later was 'phishing'. Our marriage went through a really ruff patch because he didn't want to believe that his "brother" would do such a thing. Even his mother thought me a liar because their families were so close. I felt so betrayed and alone during that time. Nevertheless, after we went on vacation with his best-friend, he observed how overly attentive he was to me; how he lightly touched my arm and leg whenever he was talking to me and how he was always hovering near me and setting himself in such a way that he was always in my line of vision, having his hand circling his crotch area whenever I was around etc.. Since then he had apologized and we agreed to guard each other and our relationship. In doing that we talk things through.
> 
> He had a time when he was chatting with a younger woman after I would go to bed. Eventually he did come to me and tell me about it because he felt he was losing control and wanted that relationship to move beyond a friendship. During that time he opted to leave his phone with me when we were home, especially at night when they usually talked. We started to watch movies during those hours, drink Guinness, and eat popcorn, and so on. Eventually he was pass it.
> ...


Thanks for elaborating. Your marriage is exactly as I was picturing, being very healthy with a high level of transparency.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> As her spouse, you are there to help her work through her feelings, especially ones she doesn't want. As much as many others bring them up, what happened to "for better or *worse*, through good times and *bad*"? What is this? Whoops, I don't like that, so not only will I not help, I'll abandon her and my vows?


What is the supporting spouse supposed to say or do? How does that conversation go?

A: I have to tell you, I walked into a restaurant today and there was a server there who was 20 years younger and just super hot. We locked eyes and later I found out they asked for my number. This person was just so attractive, it was like I was struck by lightning. It made me question everything.

B: Thank you for sharing. I know how that is, I feel that way all the time. I’m glad we can both be tempted by hot people hitting on us and then chat about it later.

A: Yes! Thank heavens for that.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

sunshinie said:


> Our ability to communicate freely with each other was earned through the experiences of our marriage.


I envy the way that you and your husband communicate. Not so in my marriage. My wife's favorite sport is arguing. She absolutely loves to argue. Me, I hate it. Always have. Comes from watching my parents argue when I was a kid. As a result, there's a lot of stuff that we don't talk about. Sometimes she will ask, 'why won't you talk to me?' My reply is always the same, 'because you trained me not to.' I have no doubt that you and your husband will get through this.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> What is the supporting spouse supposed to say or do? How does that conversation go? A: I have to tell you, I walked into a restaurant today and there was a server there who was 20 years younger and just super hot. We locked eyes and later I found out they asked for my number. This person was just so attractive, it was like I was struck by lightning. It made me question everything. B: Thank you for sharing. I know how that is, I feel that way all the time. I’m glad we can both be tempted by hot people hitting on us and then chat about it later. A: Yes! Thank heavens for that.


Well first start with making your conversation more along what the OP actually said, instead of changing things.

W: Dear, when we (he already knowing she was out with her friend) were at the restaurant today, the server, I think was flirting with me. He was admittedly hot, but that's not something I want to pursue. But I can't seem to get it out of my mind. What can I do? I don't want to be like this.

Now we have something that resembles the situation, and is accurate to the spouse not wanting what they are feeling.

H: It's alright, honey. I trust you and know you. I know you would never cheat on me. We'll try to work through it together to help you get over this, see a therapist if need. And it's perfectly normal to have attractions. But I can see how not being able to get them out of your head would be disturbing.

See? That is a husband who has a solid marriage. Her simply having an attraction that she doesn't want does not threaten him or his marriage. If a person feels threatened simply because of an attraction by the spouse, then that marriage is not solid.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

What is the point of telling the partner about it? Unless you’re asexual you’re attracted to people all the time most likely. So what are you looking for in telling your partner? I see women all the time and I think wow she’s attractive and then I go back to buying vegetables or whatever I was doing.

I don’t go home and say, “Wow I saw this lady and she was hot!” What is my wife supposed to do with that? Throw cold water on me?

Conan’s explanation makes sense. He explains his behavior of avoiding people that might otherwise seem odd.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sorry but this thread is ridiculous... Guinness and popcorn? Come on!


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> What is the point of telling the partner about it? Unless you’re asexual you’re attracted to people all the time most likely. So what are you looking for in telling your partner? I see women all the time and I think wow she’s attractive and then I go back to buying vegetables or whatever I was doing.
> 
> I don’t go home and say, “Wow I saw this lady and she was hot!” What is my wife supposed to do with that? Throw cold water on me?
> 
> Conan’s explanation makes sense. He explains his behavior of avoiding people that might otherwise seem odd.


FWIW, I don’t get it either. My self esteem is low enough, I certainly don’t need to hear about every other woman in the world that is more attractive. I would never tell my H about another man, because it seems really hurtful. But considering her H already had at the least an EA and she was ok with it, their marriage is different than mine. They seem fine so more power to them.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

TexasMom1216 said:


> FWIW, I don’t get it either. My self esteem is low enough, I certainly don’t need to hear about every other woman in the world that is more attractive. I would never tell my H about another man, because it seems really hurtful. But considering her H already had at the least an EA and she was ok with it, their marriage is different than mine. They seem fine so more power to them.


I would have never told my wife... anyway, I don't quite get how a woman in her mid-forties is asking for help in this matter. Surely, she is mature enough to know how to behave? A bit weird, if you ask me.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> What is the point of telling the partner about it? Unless you’re asexual you’re attracted to people all the time most likely. So what are you looking for in telling your partner? I see women all the time and I think wow she’s attractive and then I go back to buying vegetables or whatever I was doing.
> 
> I don’t go home and say, “Wow I saw this lady and she was hot!” What is my wife supposed to do with that? Throw cold water on me?
> 
> Conan’s explanation makes sense. He explains his behavior of avoiding people that might otherwise seem odd.


I agree. I wouldn’t tell my guy about it....I'd just keep my good boundaries and leave it at that.

It seems awkward, almost like you're letting your partner know that you have options. I'm sure that wasn't OP's intent, but it could be taken that way and it's not good for the marriage.

But maybe some couples have a dynamic such that it's ok.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> FWIW, I don’t get it either. My self esteem is low enough, I certainly don’t need to hear about every other woman in the world that is more attractive. I would never tell my H about another man, because it seems really hurtful. But considering her H already had at the least an EA and she was ok with it, their marriage is different than mine. They seem fine so more power to them.


Oh, so he had an affair and she didn't care?

You're right....this is a different dynamic.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Oh, so he had an affair and she didn't care?
> 
> You're right....this is a different dynamic.


In fairness, she says it was just an emotional affair, he was texting a younger woman. He told her he came clean before it went “too far.” I’m too cynical to actually believe that, but I wasn’t there and I don’t know either of them. He told her he stopped seeing her. We don’t know if he ended it prior to it getting physical or not, but that is what the OP believes. I suspect the OW dumped him, but I have trust and self esteem issues so it’s unfair for me to project on the OPs husband.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I think this is a horrible idea. Why? Because the more she fantasizes about it the more the fantasy will grow.
> 
> From the 2007 film _Pathfinder:_
> *Starfire*: "There are two wolves fighting in each man’s heart. One is love, the other is hate." _{In this case the two wolves are lust and love ~ Elegirl}_​*Ghost*: "Which one wins?"​*Starfire*: "The one you feed the most."​


Yes, this is so true.

The various Elders fed our *Red Dog* too many magic _Spells _and protein derivative_ Prions._


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> Sorry but this thread is ridiculous... Guinness and popcorn? Come on!


What?

Should it be pork scratchings, or Scotch Eggs?

It is the salt, most crave with their beer.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> What is the point of telling the partner about it? Unless you’re asexual you’re attracted to people all the time most likely. So what are you looking for in telling your partner? I see women all the time and I think wow she’s attractive and then I go back to buying vegetables or whatever I was doing.
> 
> I don’t go home and say, “Wow I saw this lady and she was hot!” What is my wife supposed to do with that? Throw cold water on me?
> 
> Conan’s explanation makes sense. He explains his behavior of avoiding people that might otherwise seem odd.


I'm not getting that your dynamic is like OP's enough for a workable comparison.

You don't have infidelity to overcome which does require very high communication and transparency.

Also, OP isn't claiming she has to talk to her husband every time she sees an attractive man. This was a bizarre level of attraction she couldn't get out of her head and is apparently a first for her.

Mrs. C and I don't come home to each other and talk about every person that might have been attractive either.

When we are together we have no problems talking about how people look though.

I've had a few very weird, probably pheromonal, (probably like @Rob_1 described) attractions happen and had to take steps.

In a couple of cases, it was someone we saw regularly and I needed to change things up until it went away.

OP's situation is a bit different than mine because of past infidelity and a lot different than yours.

I agree with your take on this not working too good in your dynamic.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I agree. I wouldn’t tell my guy about it....I'd just keep my good boundaries and leave it at that.


Insecure people often live _inside_ the eyes of their partner.

Who or what, he or she looks at, is immediately discovered.

There would be no need of telling.

In this case, OP's husband was not in the restaurant at the time of her magical moment.

She willingly told her husband.

And, he did not get upset or jealous.

I see this as a bad response, on his part.

A loving husband (ideally) practices mate guarding.

After her confession, he would have been better served had he pulled her tight to himself and vigorously claimed her, as his, and his alone.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

gaius said:


> So your wife likes to come home from work and tell you about some guy she has a strong desire to screw? And you just sit there and nod your head? And you're glad she has that level of transparency with you?


I wish I had the kind of relationship with my wife where she can tell me about her deep feelings and trusting that I would listen and not get upset. If more couples had that, there would be a lot less cheating in this world.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> What is the point of telling the partner about it? Unless you’re asexual you’re attracted to people all the time most likely. So what are you looking for in telling your partner? I see women all the time and I think wow she’s attractive and then I go back to buying vegetables or whatever I was doing.
> 
> I don’t go home and say, “Wow I saw this lady and she was hot!” What is my wife supposed to do with that? Throw cold water on me?
> 
> Conan’s explanation makes sense. He explains his behavior of avoiding people that might otherwise seem odd.


In the case of the OP, she was seeking help because it wasn't simply an attraction, but something that was running in her head that she couldn't stop on her own. Part of it might be the whole, this is why I might be acting odd, but there was also the asking for help.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

sunshinie said:


> If you don't mind I would like to address some of the other comments and yours under your chat. To answer your question, he listened, he was quiet, but then he said we will get through this too.
> Our ability to communicate freely with each other was earned through the experiences of our marriage. The changing point for us, as it related to communicating, came about a few years ago. We had an issue where my husband's best friend was coming unto me without actually coming unto me, which the term I learnt for it later was 'phishing'. Our marriage went through a really ruff patch because he didn't want to believe that his "brother" would do such a thing. Even his mother thought me a liar because their families were so close. I felt so betrayed and alone during that time. Nevertheless, after we went on vacation with his best-friend, he observed how overly attentive he was to me; how he lightly touched my arm and leg whenever he was talking to me and how he was always hovering near me and setting himself in such a way that he was always in my line of vision, having his hand circling his crotch area whenever I was around etc.. Since then he had apologized and we agreed to guard each other and our relationship. In doing that we talk things through.
> 
> He had a time when he was chatting with a younger woman after I would go to bed. Eventually he did come to me and tell me about it because he felt he was losing control and wanted that relationship to move beyond a friendship. During that time he opted to leave his phone with me when we were home, especially at night when they usually talked. We started to watch movies during those hours, drink Guinness, and eat popcorn, and so on. Eventually he was pass it.
> ...


So your husband saw proof? Did he boot Chris out of your lives?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I have a son 21 years younger than me, so I just cant imagine the thought of fancying someone of his age.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I want more of Lynnsnake’s advice. 
it was entertaining.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I want more of Lynnsnake’s advice.
> it was entertaining.


It was crazy!As in life is short, sleep with who you like 😳


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It had nothing in the world to do with him, it had to do with me struggling to let go of the sexual part of my life. I wasn't ready for it to be over.


At 48? Of course not! I don't understand, but I'm unsure of your backstory and can't find it. 

As for OP, she tried to do the right thing and still got grief here, go figure.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

theloveofmylife said:


> As for OP, she tried to do the right thing and still got grief here, go figure.


I think she did the right thing for herself and her marriage and was looking to see if anyone else experienced it, and yes, got torched. But we have to remember there are a lot of men on here who have been put through absolute hell by the women in their lives. That’s going to affect how they respond.


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## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I think she did the right thing for herself and her marriage and was looking to see if anyone else experienced it, and yes, got torched. But we have to remember there are a lot of men on here who have been put through absolute hell by the women in their lives. That’s going to affect how they respond.
> [/Quote


I honestly forgot how brutal this site can be. I thank you for your perspective. 

Everyone is of the impression it was a sexual attraction, it was not. It was more than that, I don't have the words to describe it.

Additionally, I am not fantasizing about him, it is more like visuals of that day and reliving the feelings that came with that moment. 

Also to the waiter's defence, he was not trying to hit on me. He was not our waiter. And it was more of him staring at me, I honestly think he was probably just as thrown as I was. 

Further, I did not nonchalantly walk into my husband and was like " l saw this hot young guy today and I want to screw him" as some are putting it over. But rather, as soon as I saw him I burst into tears because I was so ashamed, and felt like I had some how betrayed him. This is not something I wanted and was looking for. As I keep irritating this have never happened to me before. 

Lastly, for some of the advises received I am grateful. It has been helpful. I am redirecting my thoughts whenever I get the images of him.


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