# Beautiful Statement About a Man's Emotional/Sexual Needs!



## Mer-Maid (Nov 23, 2013)

On a forum about married sex there was a poll asking the members *what advice they would give their daughter on her wedding day about sex?* The below post is so beautiful I had to share it here - if more women felt this way, there would be a lot less unhappy husbands on sites like this one.


_Comment by Sue Shroy on November 22, 2011:_



> You must understand that sex is 90% emotional for your husband and only 10% physical. If you say no to sex, you say no to the heart of this man who has devoted his life to you. Protect his heart and tell him you accept him, love him, and desire him as often as humanly possible! Make saying “yes!” your goal, and blow his socks off my initiating sex even when you don’t feel like it. Because you probably won’t feel like it A LOT. We get our emotional needs met in other ways.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don’t like it at all.


Mer-Maid said:


> You must understand that sex is 90% emotional for your husband and only 10% physical.



I think that 90% is too high. Sure, sex is up there for most men (but not all men) but not 90%. Men have many other things that they need to have their emotional needs met.

Let’s also remember that men often lament about how women are so emotional about sex, we need an emotional connection but men just want sex. Sex serves many purposes for men and women. It’s not all about love and emotions for men. Sure that’s a component but it’s not all that men have sex for.




Mer-Maid said:


> If you say no to sex, you say no to the heart of this man who has devoted his life to you. Protect his heart and tell him you accept him, love him, and desire him as often as humanly possible! Make saying “yes!” your goal, and blow his socks off my initiating sex even when you don’t feel like it. Because you probably won’t feel like it A LOT.


This is so full of stereo types.. argh. It assumes that all women withhold sex and all women really don’t like sex all that much. 


Men withhold sex as much as women do. Not all men are hound dogs. About 20% of marriage are sexless. Half the time it’s the man who has ended the marital sex life. 

There are many high drive women. The only time I’ve said no to sex is when I’ve been too sick .. like a bad flue or recovery from a very bad pregnancy. This is not because I find sex a duty. It’s because I’m HD and I want sex just about daily.


There are many women here on TAM who have husbands who do not want sex with them, who are constantly turning them down. They generally have higher sex drives than their husband.

You might not feel like it a lot, but please do not perpetuate this kind of stereotype about women.



Mer-Maid said:


> We get our emotional needs met in other ways.


Do you really think that most women get no emotional needs met via sex with a man they love? Read the many threads here from women who are lacking a good sex life in their marriage and you will find out that women, many women, have a high emotional need for a good sex life.


Men and women get their emotional needs met in many ways. Sex is one of those ways for BOTH men and women. For some men it’s their most important emotional need. For some women it’s also their most important emotional need.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I agree with EG's take on this ^^^ I'm one of those women who don't feel loved if there's a lack of physical intimacy in a relationship.

It sounds very much like the mother is telling her daughter to: "Lie on your back, Dear, and think of England." Far better if she'd given her daughter a few good sex manuals and told her to explore and embrace her own sexuality...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mer-Maid said:


> You must understand that sex is 90% emotional for your husband and only 10% physical. If you say no to sex, you say no to the heart of this man who has devoted his life to you. Protect his heart and tell him you accept him, love him, and desire him as often as humanly possible! Make saying “yes!” your goal, and blow his socks off my initiating sex even when you don’t feel like it. Because you probably won’t feel like it A LOT. We get our emotional needs met in other ways.
> 
> I]Comment by Sue Shroy on November 22, 2011:[/I]


I don’t like it at all.


Mer-Maid said:


> You must understand that sex is 90% emotional for your husband and only 10% physical.



I think that 90% is too high. Sure, sex is up there for most men (but not all men) but not 90%. Men have many other things that they need to have their emotional needs met.

Let’s also remember that men often lament about how women are so emotional about sex, we need an emotional connection but men just want sex. Sex serves many purposes for men and women. It’s not all about love and emotions for men. Sure that’s a component but it’s not all that men have sex for.




Mer-Maid said:


> If you say no to sex, you say no to the heart of this man who has devoted his life to you. Protect his heart and tell him you accept him, love him, and desire him as often as humanly possible! Make saying “yes!” your goal, and blow his socks off my initiating sex even when you don’t feel like it. Because you probably won’t feel like it A LOT.


This is so full of stereo types.. argh. It assumes that all women withhold sex and all women really don’t like sex all that much. 


Men withhold sex as much as women do. Not all men are hound dogs. About 20% of marriage are sexless. Half the time it’s the man who has ended the marital sex life. 

There are many high drive women. The only time I’ve said no to sex is when I’ve been too sick .. like a bad flue or recovery from a very bad pregnancy. This is not because I find sex a duty. It’s because I’m HD and I want sex just about daily.


There are many women here on TAM who have husbands who do not want sex with them, who are constantly turning them down. They generally have higher sex drives than their husband.

You might not feel like it a lot, but please do not perpetuate this kind of stereotype about women.



Entropy3000 said:


> Actually if my sexual emotional needs are not met ... the rest does not really matter.


This is not unique to men. I feel the same way. When it’s not met I feel so unloved that nothing else gets matters. It’s such an overwhelming rejection.



Entropy3000 said:


> So while some can kibitz about 90% or 80% I would just say that the emotional need for me is 100% absolute. This goes for Respect as well. Breaking them as 50/50 is not right either. They are both required.


That’s the point I was making. Needs for men are not: 90%, 10% everything else. 



Entropy3000 said:


> Do the others matter .... sure they do. But only if my emotional sexual needs are met. Otherwise not so much.


Goes for a lot of women as well. 



Entropy3000 said:


> Do I value all of the ways my wife shows her love to me. Indeed so. But they are no substitute.


Agreed from the female perspective as well.



Entropy3000 said:


> The takeaway is that it is not just about a physical release.


Agreed… for women as well. 

The point that I’m making is that sex is not just a high need for men. It’s is for women as well. And yes there are some men and women for whom it does not seem to be that important.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

You caught my post before I decided just not to post. LOL. 

I get your points. I see where the original article was coming from but one could say this is good advice for any spouse, male or female.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Personally It's not what I would tell my daughter, massive assumptions about how she will view sex and how sexual she's going to be imo.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I can't speak for any other man , nor can I speak for any other woman , except my wife.

But for me , I agree to a great extent with the statement quoted by the OP , given that it was geared towards men.

The emotional component in sex must be extremely high for me to be satisfied. I respect myself and wife way too much to accept " duty sex " or " pity sex" or " cold fish sex." My wife also need the same .
That's why we are married and have sex exclusively with each other.

People who don't need much of the emotional component in sex are the ones into casual sex, FWB's , threesomes , swinging lifestyle and so on.

People get married precisely because they want the emotional component in sex. That's why the accept monogamy, they expect their emotional needs would be met in a variety of ways , sex being paramount. But men and women process and express their emotions differently . The key is understanding how your partner process theirs.

A good wife aims to please her husband in every way , including sex. A good husband understands his wife needs , and aims to satisfy her every need , including sex. He is not a selfish lover. 
When two people have this understanding , compromise is easy and problems are solved.
A healthy relationship is one where both partners can _effectively_ communicate their needs.
That is what makes them compatible.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> But for me , I agree to a great extent with the statement quoted by the OP , given that it was geared towards men..





LongWalk said:


> You must understand that sex is 90% emotional for your husband and only 10% physical. If you say no to sex, you say no to the heart of this man who has devoted his life to you. Protect his heart and tell him you accept him, love him, and desire him as often as humanly possible! Make saying “yes!” your goal, and blow his socks off my initiating sex even when you don’t feel like it. Because you probably won’t feel like it A LOT. We get our emotional needs met in other ways..


Yes it's geared towards men. But does it have to paint women as cold fish you have to give duty sex? *Women who will "probably will not feel like it A LOT"?* What the heck is that statement about? Really?

It is also a false statement that "We get our emotional needs met in other ways." Sex also is one of the emotional needs for women. 

See there is no need to paint women as a whole as cold fish who do not really like sex to make a point about men, sex and their emotional needs.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Yes it's geared towards men. But does it have to paint women as cold fish you have to give duty sex? *Women who will "probably will not feel like it A LOT"?* What the heck is that statement about? Really?


I agree with some of what you are saying, but the author's comment about "not feeling like it a lot" may be referring to periods in a woman's life where she is literally worn out (post-childbirth, or adoption, working plus taking care of household responsibilities, etc.) and I would also assume that his perspective is based on more "traditional" husband/wife dynamics. This does not necessarily mean that he is saying that women are cold fish.

I would extend this analysis to the other points you are making. It's true that fulfillment of emotional needs through sex is not gender-specific, but it's also true, at least in my case, that signs of affection, protective behavior, showing of empathy, etc. from my H also fulfill my emotional needs. And in this respect, I'd say that I'm a bit different from my H.

I'm also HD, but less so than my H, and I think I have never, ever said no to sex, because my desire to share that emotional connection trumps everything else. And I can see that he needs that, even if sometimes I don't, at that particular time.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Mer-Maid said:


> On a forum about married sex there was a poll asking the members *what advice they would give their daughter on her wedding day about sex?* The below post is so beautiful I had to share it here - if more women felt this way, there would be a lot less unhappy husbands on sites like this one.
> 
> 
> _Comment by Sue Shroy on November 22, 2011:_


As a MAN. I agree 100% with you.

All that a man really needs is hot food and a loving woman.
Serve him cold food once in a while he will still eat.
Push him away enough number of times and while he will maybe stay along, the woman is no longer his wife. She maybe the mother of his children but in his heart its over.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

im_tam said:


> As a MAN. I agree 100% with you.
> 
> All that a man really needs is hot food and a loving woman.
> 
> Serve him cold food once in a while he will still eat.


It's pretty obvious that there are a good number of men who don't work this simply. There are men who can have a loving wife who wants sex as much as he does (and has it as much as he wants it), and how does tons of good things for her husband.. and that's not enough for him. TAM has a lot of women who are experiencing this problem. 



im_tam said:


> Push him away enough number of times and while he will maybe stay along, the woman is no longer his wife. She maybe the mother of his children but in his heart its over.


IT goes the other way as well. If a man pushes his wife away enough times, the same things goes.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I can't even get a hug anymore in my marriage. I find myself detaching more and more every day. I love my wife and I am still in love with her but I love myself just a little bit more and can't see spending the rest of my life accepting it.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

@Elegirl.

To make a Husband happy...a women has to do so little. Honestly speaking. All she needs is to be available. A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...whats more he will do it with a smile.

I am not talking about men who has some hormonal or psychological issues. Nor am I talking about men who are cheaters by nature.

I am talking about men who want to be with just one woman all their lives. But get torn between the needs of their hearts and soul.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

im_tam said:


> @Elegirl.
> 
> To make a Husband happy...a women has to do so little. Honestly speaking. All she needs is to be available. A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...whats more he will do it with a smile.
> 
> ...


It's very convenient to say that what you claim is the absolute for all men. And if this is not absolute for a man we’ll just write him off as hormonal, psychological, yada yada.

There are plenty of men who want to be with just one women who are more complex than what you suggest. 

What is your advice to a woman whose husband does not react to a lot of sex and hot meals by doing everything for her with a smile? I'm not talking about him being a cheater. Does she divorce him?


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

Mer-Maid said:


> On a forum about married sex there was a poll asking the members *what advice they would give their daughter on her wedding day about sex?* The below post is so beautiful I had to share it here - if more women felt this way, there would be a lot less unhappy husbands on sites like this one.
> 
> 
> _Comment by Sue Shroy on November 22, 2011:_


This is spot on for the vast majority of the male population. It should be taught in sex ed because many women just don't ****ing get it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> It sounds very much like the mother is telling her daughter to: "Lie on your back, Dear, and think of England."


:rofl::rofl::rofl::smthumbup:


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

im_tam said:


> @Elegirl.
> 
> To make a Husband happy...a women has to do so little. Honestly speaking. All she needs is to be available. A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...whats more he will do it with a smile.
> 
> ...


I was available for nearly 20 years!  He didn't have hormonal or psychological issues. He just wasn't all that interested in sex and didn't see why he should bother. HE was perfectly sexually satisfied but did he give sex to me with a smile when I wanted it? NO! And yet it turns out he did want to be with just one woman all his life. Me.

EleGirl is correct. You can't pigeonhole people like this.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

I can't say it is a fact but there have been many discussions and articles about how a man gains emotional closeness mostly through sex with his partner and for a woman sex is but one of the ways she gains that same closeness.

Let's face it some men are more complex than others but deep down we are all animals with the same instincts and desires the difference some men package it better to look more polished, civilized, proper. Some of the replies to this thread are correct a woman could do everything to satisfy her man's desire and it may not be enough of course that works both ways, but the mother in this statement wasn't thinking about anything like that she was only giving some advice to her daughter.

This statement could have been worded better but the sentiment is there about taking care of your husbands needs, a better way to say it might have been;
"You can have a loyal dog but if you don't pet him once in awhile it may be hard to keep him on the porch"
(I did type that in jest but really not much different in the basic message)

Marriage is made up of duties to each other sexual, emotional, physical, social the list goes on but it is not for bowing to every need or whim of an individual.

I wonder what statement a father may make to his son on the wedding day.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I've always said that a trip to the mall/shopping for a man should equal a "yes" from a woman.

Really, which requires more effort and consideration?

Yep, the mall. By a long shot.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

love=pain said:


> I can't say it is a fact but there have been many discussions and articles about how a man gains emotional closeness mostly through sex with his partner and for a woman sex is but one of the ways she gains that same closeness.
> 
> Let's face it some men are more complex than others but deep down we are all animals with the same instincts and desires the difference some men package it better to look more polished, civilized, proper. Some of the replies to this thread are correct a woman could do everything to satisfy her man's desire and it may not be enough of course that works both ways, but the mother in this statement wasn't thinking about anything like that she was only giving some advice to her daughter.
> 
> ...


In everything,_" She comes first.."_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Forest said:


> I've always said that a trip to the mall/shopping for a man should equal a "yes" from a woman.
> 
> Really, which requires more effort and consideration?
> 
> Yep, the mall. By a long shot.


That first sentence makes no sense. 

Are you saying that if a woman asks her husband to go to the mall/shopping with her that she should give him sex in return?


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> In everything,_" She comes first.."_


Excellent quote best of all it covers all aspects of a relationship, I guess the mother should have said the same thing
"He comes first"

Well not sexually that's just rude.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think the quote is excellent and would help alot of marriages.

Is it exactly 90%? Who knows, but the quoter was just trying to make a point.

Are all marriages such that the woman does not want sex and the man does ? No, but there sure are alot that do fit the stereotype.

What is lacking from the quote is that there is a huge reward for a wife to meet the needs of her husband in this way....


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> That first sentence makes no sense.
> 
> Are you saying that if a woman asks her husband to go to the mall/shopping with her that she should give him sex in return?


If she was required to say yes every time I took her shopping I would go broke.

Doesn't that sentence sort of reduce your wife to a call girl? after all you are paying her for a promise of sex.
I wouldn't want to pay for it anymore than I would beg for it, if sex isn't more about your desire for that other person then what's the point.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

It is intended to show that people say yes to things they may not feel terribly excited about all the time. Going to the mall is a husband's way of telling his wife she's important to him.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think EleGirl is just trying to say that there are exceptions to these generalizations. And TAM is the home of exceptions.

Before reading here, I did not know that sexlessness was common. And I had a hard time imagining a man who did not want sex as often as he could get it. People here have really opened my eyes.

My marriage is in the general category where all the stereotypes apply.  

Personally, I think I do have responsibilities in this marriage, and one is to be available to my husband in this way. I have not always "felt like it," especially when pregnant or after giving birth, sometimes just after dealing with small kids all day. But I still had responsibilities, and I just like being close to him.

Dh has never held those times against me. Maybe he felt it was part and parcel of having a family?

And this idea that a man is emotionally affirmed through sex is just so new to me. Dh never talks about things like that. When I asked about this a few weeks ago, he did say it is true, that men do get emotional affirmation through being desired by their wives. But he said there are also other ways women affirm men, not just through an intimate act.

It really is good to hear everyone's pov on TAM. Even for those of us who do seem to fit the stereotypes, we start to see that what we feel and what seems common around us is not the only way of being.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

The original post is a stereotype and it goes both ways, but stereotypes generally have some grounding in reality. In my previous relationship it went the other way around; my ex-wife was interested and I was not. And yes, turning her down meant I was not taking care of my duties as a husband, and eventually the marriage ended at least partially due to that. 

In my future relationships it needs to be clear to both parties that being for each other INCLUDES providing sex. There was an article in Psychology Today if a sexless marriage is reason enough to cheat. I believe the answer is no. But is it reason enough to divorce? Yes, because sexual needs are a need like any other, and I expect my partner, within reason, to meet these needs. And I hers.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I would never want someone telling my daughter this.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Forest said:


> It is intended to show that people say yes to things they may not feel terribly excited about all the time. Going to the mall is a husband's way of telling his wife she's important to him.


Yes, I absolutely hate shopping. But I do it because she likes me to be there with her.

Point is we do things for each other we don't necessarily in the mood but we try to do them enthusiastically without being a sour puss.

Sometimes, I even find shopping ok or even fun if I try.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

I agree with the OP's quote. 

I explained that very thing to my X after years of essentially a sexless marriage. Didn't phase her one bit. She had some negative preconceived notions about men and sex that I couldn't compete with and never did figure out how she came to adopt them. Unfortunately she didn't expose me to her ideas until after we were married.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

More than anything, there should be a discussion on what the sexual expectations are before a couple gets married. You always hear of people that are in sexless marriages, and many of them were that way before they got married. The flawed thought process is thinking things will magically change after the ceremony... and they never do.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

> You must understand that sex is 90% emotional for your husband and only 10% physical. If you say no to sex, you say no to the heart of this man who has devoted his life to you. Protect his heart and tell him you accept him, love him, and desire him as often as humanly possible! Make saying “yes!” your goal, and blow his socks off my initiating sex even when you don’t feel like it.


Yeah, I heard this gross generalization too. I found out the hard way that IT IS INDEED A GROSS GENERALIZATION.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Forest said:


> It is intended to show that people say yes to things they may not feel terribly excited about all the time. *Going to the mall is a husband's way of telling his wife she's important to him.*


Heh. More often than not, he has had to drag me to the mall. Most of the time, we were going to Sears... because he needed tools. Other than those specific trips, it was mutual. Seems I have a weird husband. He doesn't fit these stereotypes illustrated here.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Heh. More often than not, he has had to drag me to the mall. Most of the time, we were going to Sears... because he needed tools. Other than those specific trips, it was mutual. Seems I have a weird husband. He doesn't fit these stereotypes illustrated here.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


Me, too, Maricha. If I do need something from the mall I prefer to go alone, and what I spend there isn't something my SO has to concern himself with. I'm a financially independent adult and am just as likely to purchase a treat for him as I am for myself.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

I think I agree with the general principle of the quote. For me at least, the initiation of sex is driven by physical need 100%. Any rejection received then becomes 100% emotional problem.

I will say that I feel emotionally closest to the wife during sex. I guess I'm lucky as her philosophy is that if I get it at home I have no excuse to look elsewhere for it. So if it she isn't in the mood - I'll at least get oral...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Seems I have a weird husband. He doesn't fit these stereotypes illustrated here.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


This is why DH and I struggled so much for a brief period of time.I didn't know how to handle him bc he is nothing like the stereotypical man that I was used to being around. Nothing I knew about men is true with him LOL


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sex is mainly emotional for me, there surely is a wonderful physical element that masturbation doesn't offer, but if it was just about orgasming there would be no need for marriage.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

While I can definitely see your concerns about the generalizations in the message, I think you're missing the spirit and intent by picking apart each sentence.

Most men NEED sex to stay emotionally connected to their wife. Forget the percentages for a second. Most men derive their emotional needs from physical intimacy. Not all...most.

The intent here is to make your daughters aware that men's brains and hearts are wired differently and you can inadvertently hurt them by saying and not doing certain things that normally a woman would find quite innocuous.


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## Mummy3 (Jun 6, 2014)

im_tam said:


> @Elegirl.
> 
> To make a Husband happy...a women has to do so little. Honestly speaking. All she needs is to be available. A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...whats more he will do it with a smile.
> 
> ...


No a man who is happy in himself first. 
Hot meals and sex are my 2 favourite things to offer him on a daily basis- i think i must have been taught this growing up. 

I'm a great cook, still attractive, and dress sexy for him, as well as every other 1960's wifely duty- his mates can not believe how good he has it!! -and yet i'm the one begging for sex and feeling like the saying suggested- like he has said no to my heart. There are other emotional needs I have but if my sexual needs are being met everything else is ok. 

-I have never seen my feelings written so perfectly as they are in that statement, I am considering sharing it with him. 

You must understand that sex is 90% emotional for your husband and only 10% physical. If you say no to sex, you say no to the heart of this man who has devoted his life to you. Protect his heart and tell him you accept him, love him, and desire him as often as humanly possible! Make saying “yes!” your goal, and blow his socks off my initiating sex even when you don’t feel like it.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

The problem I see in a the initial quote and some of the posts following is that it looks at the issue from only one perspective. Either the wife's or the husband's.

Sex is a joining, a copulation, a blending of bodies minds and hopefully souls. Sex needs to be viewed from a tandem perspective which looks from both parties eyes and thoughts.

I can speak from my own point of view. Sex IS 90% emotional for me (if not higher). I am physically unable to have one night stands (I know I've tried when I was 18-20). When I want sex, I consider my needs and my wife's. We have a newborn baby. There are nights where my wife is SHOT. Absolutely nothing in the tank. I know she'd have sex with me, but her heart and body wouldn't be into it. I don't even pursue her. I flirt with her to let her know that I desire her and I do it as a build up for another day. And when that day comes, it's that much hotter and steamier.

But if I were to give advice it would be "Learn you own sexuality. Learn your needs and express your needs to your spouse. Have them do the same and explore your sexualities together. Talk about anything and everything together without judgement. Then you focus on your partner's needs and have them focus on yours. You'll always be happy sexually."


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mummy3 said:


> No a man who is happy in himself first.
> Hot meals and sex are my 2 favourite things to offer him on a daily basis- i think i must have been taught this growing up.
> 
> I'm a great cook, still attractive, and dress sexy for him, as well as every other 1960's wifely duty- his mates can not believe how good he has it!! *-and yet i'm the one begging for sex and feeling like the saying suggested- like he has said no to my heart. There are other emotional needs I have but if my sexual needs are being met everything else is ok. *
> ...


So you have sex with your husband as often as he wants.. and you blow his socks off. You serve him great meals.

But he is not motivated to fill your needs. Why is that?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Dad&Hubby said:


> The problem I see in a the initial quote and some of the posts following is that it looks at the issue from only one perspective. Either the wife's or the husband's.
> 
> Sex is a joining, a copulation, a blending of bodies minds and hopefully souls. Sex needs to be viewed from a tandem perspective which looks from both parties eyes and thoughts.
> 
> ...


I like that. To me that says it much better.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> But if I were to give advice it would be "Learn you own sexuality. Learn your needs and express your needs to your spouse. Have them do the same and explore your sexualities together. Talk about anything and everything together without judgement. Then you focus on your partner's needs and have them focus on yours. You'll always be happy sexually."


This I can totally get behind.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I think that 90% is too high. Sure, sex is up there for most men (but not all men) but not 90%. Men have many other things that they need to have their emotional needs met.
> 
> Let’s also remember that men often lament about how women are so emotional about sex, we need an emotional connection but men just want sex. Sex serves many purposes for men and women. It’s not all about love and emotions for men. Sure that’s a component but it’s not all that men have sex for.


EleGirl, you're normally fairly spot-on, but you're off here...

90% may be a bit high, but it's probably not off by much. Either way, _for a *married* man_, _*sex with our wives*_, whom we adore, cherish, and love, is *waaaaay* more emotional that it is physical. A physical need is being met, sure, but the emotional connection makes it sooooo much more than "just" sex.

This is why you hear so many married men lament the death knell that is "duty" sex.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Lon said:


> Sex is mainly emotional for me, there surely is a wonderful physical element that masturbation doesn't offer, but if it was just about orgasming there would be no need for marriage.


Lon,

You put that across that soooooo much better than me!

Lol, that is exactly what I wanted to say in my first post!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> EleGirl, you're normally fairly spot-on, but you're off here...
> 
> 90% may be a bit high, but it's probably not off by much. Either way, _for a *married* man_, _*sex with our wives*_, whom we adore, cherish, and love, is *waaaaay* more emotional that it is physical. A physical need is being met, sure, but the emotional connection makes it sooooo much more than "just" sex.


I agree that sex is marriage, or a committed relationship, is a much more emotionally based.




GusPolinski said:


> This is why you hear so many married men lament the death knell that is "duty" sex.


The OP’s quote however is telling women to have duty sex. I think that duty sex is a bad idea and kills relationships.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> ...The OP’s quote however is telling women to have duty sex. I think that duty sex is a bad idea and kills relationships.


:iagree:

This was my first thought about that post, that is was not just bad advice but _really_ bad advice.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I agree that sex is marriage, or a committed relationship, is a much more emotionally based.
> 
> 
> 
> *The OP’s quote however is telling women to have duty sex. I think that duty sex is a bad idea and kills relationships.*


I didn't quite get that from the OP's post.

And I don't think any self respecting man would want to settle for duty sex from his wife.

What I did get was that she was being advised to be willing to meet her husband's emotional and sexual needs, and that they were both inextricably linked.

Men do have emotional needs.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> The OP’s quote however is telling women to have duty sex. I think that duty sex is a bad idea and kills relationships.


when you put it this way, I am beginning to understand how it is being interpreted that way...

I think that the intent of the author may have backfired a little when she tried to put it in words.

I think the duty they are trying to demonstrate is to not be a receptacle for their H's, but a duty to try to remain vested in the marriage by being mindful of her H's emotional needs (which are all too often concealed under the typical male stereotypes of guys just being horny all the time).


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Caribbean Man said:


> I didn't quite get that from the OP's post.


Yeah, me either. What I read was "Ladies, WANT to have sex w/ your husbands!"



Caribbean Man said:


> And I don't think any self respecting man would want to settle for duty sex from his wife.


Not for long.



Caribbean Man said:


> What I did get was that she was being advised to be willing to meet her husband's emotional and sexual needs, and that they were both inextricably linked.


Yes!


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

:iagree:

I couldn't have said it better Gus!

Duty sex is not only a NO, but a HELL NO!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

> You must understand that sex is 90% emotional for your husband and only 10% physical. If you say no to sex, you say no to the heart of this man who has devoted his life to you. Protect his heart and tell him you accept him, love him, and desire him as often as humanly possible! Make saying “yes!” your goal, and blow his socks off my initiating sex even when you don’t feel like it. Because you probably won’t feel like it A LOT. We get our emotional needs met in other ways.


Ok so I have something to say here.. {Truth in posting warning}

After reading the quote, I interpreted the first sentence. I see that now. But only the first sentence.



> You must understand that sex is 90% emotional for your husband and only 10% physical.


In the middle of a sleepless night last night I read it say that sex is 90% of your husband’s emotional needs. So with that thought it would mean that everything else is only 10%: like companionship, admiration, etc etc.

I would say that’s probably true that sex is a large fact in sex for a man: 90%, 80% who knows. I’m sure that the % varies with the man. 

With this in mind I continue to disagree with this. 


> We get our emotional needs met in other ways.


It implies that women do not get their emotional needs met when we make love to your husbands. That’s simply not true. It’s not true in my personal experience. If we read all the threads here by women complaining about the lack of sex in their marriage and how they feel unloved because of it, it’s clear that woman’s emotional needs are met via sex. 

And of course like men, women have other important emotional needs as well.
No for the rest of the quote. The middle part. To me that just reads like give him duty sex “even when you don’t feel like it. Because you probably won’t feel like it A LOT.”

For one thing it’s telling your daughter that she’s not going to like sex a lot. Really? It is one of the many types of things told to young girls/women that make them feel like they cannot just break lose sexually.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

This certainly sounds like duty sex to me:-



> Make saying “yes!” your goal, and blow his socks off my initiating sex even when you don’t feel like it. Because you probably won’t feel like it A LOT. We get our emotional needs met in other ways.


Whilst "yes" should be the default in a healthy relationship, telling her daughter that she probably won't feel like sex A LOT, but should initiate it anyway can't be interpreted any other way, IMO.

I also think telling her daughter that women's emotional needs are met in other ways sends the wrong message, too. For many women, physical intimacy in a relationship is a very basic and important need. I know it is for me.


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## extremneed (May 26, 2014)

Mer-Maid said:


> On a forum about married sex there was a poll asking the members *what advice they would give their daughter on her wedding day about sex?* The below post is so beautiful I had to share it here - if more women felt this way, there would be a lot less unhappy husbands on sites like this one.
> 
> 
> _Comment by Sue Shroy on November 22, 2011:_


I my life it was not the not wanting on either side, It was a set of fears, fear that when my husband returned home after his time in the military, he would be unresponsive to the needs of others in the community, how fast his unwillingness, could spill over into others in the family as well as myself. 

In this area society comes before any other consideration, if you are wanted, to be in a certain place by those that have power and prestige, that is where you stayed. 

I also fell into the general belief that wives were not faithful, that you may as well play because your husband always will, My father in law even set me up with friends and lovers. I saw it all over the area, husbands and wives would pass each other and act like they did not notice that they were out with another man or woman. 

All I can tell you is that like Catherine, or Kate in the taming of the shrew, is that sex and love are integral, but in a mans world, it is ingrained into their souls in some cases that the duty owed a wife not only occurs between the sheets, but in the supply, and defense of home and hearth as well, my father in law received my answer about the fourth. he is not going to get his way.

I was wrong about that, I was wrong about a great many things, I find after all this time, that the area people are only conservative because they don't like to be reminded, there are people, like my husband, that could care less about the comfort of people with prestige, he never liked to see, rules applied in way that depended, on your family and friends connections, he though rules in life should be applied on an equal basis for all, and he suffered for these beliefs.

He remained a good honest hard worker until he developed MRSA in his spine, lost the feeling in his legs from his hips down. he has had four strokes at age 59, and we have made his life as hard as possible. 

I spent so much time paying attention to my own needs, I really did not notice that my husband, Had needs also that went by the wayside, His mother says there is always tomorrow, there is but when a person has been so mistreated, he hopes there is no tomorrow at least for himself.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Ok so I have something to say here.. {Truth in posting warning}
> 
> After reading the quote, I interpreted the first sentence. I see that now. But only the first sentence.
> 
> ...



I think the reason you are struggling with this thread is because you can't relate. Earlier you said that you have never said no to your husband (or rarely ... I can't remember and am too lazy to look it up). 

This is one of those things that you have to live to understand. 

I can't remember the exact quote, but using the 90% think, it would be something like,

"Sex isn't 90% of a man's emotional needs in marriage until it isn't happening."

You don't see how important this is to your husband because you are meeting his needs. 

Try not meeting his needs for a few months, rejecting his advances, you will see an entirely new dynamic in your relationship. You will see how importance that closeness really is.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

extremneed said:


> I my life it was not the not wanting on either side, It was a set of fears, fear that when my husband returned home after his time in the military, he would be unresponsive to the needs of others in the community, how fast his unwillingness, could spill over into others in the family as well as myself.
> 
> In this area society comes before any other consideration, if you are wanted, to be in a certain place by those that have power and prestige, that is where you stayed.
> 
> ...


Strange Post!!!!

But the last sentence really hits home to me. Rejection from my wife is so powerful that there is truth to the last sentence for me. My wife talks about eating healthy and exercising in order to live longer. 

Because of our relationship, living longer isn't really high on my priorities.

Not sure if I need to see a doctor about depression or just leave my marriage.


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