# How to deal with wifes EA



## tryinghardtogetover (Sep 23, 2009)

My wife of 15 years had an Emotional Affair at the beginning of this year with an old school friend on Facebook. She says that it just started with them chatting as friends and led to three very graphic chats, after which she avoided him out of guilt. To be fair, I was very distracted by work for most of 2008 and was not being the husband I should have been to her. She says that this guy made her feel wanted and that's what led to the sex chats. 

I was suspicious of her FB usage and her chatting and asked her about it and she lied to me at first. She said they were just friends. After further questioning, she said it was "getting inappropriate", and finally, after spying on her and confronting her with evidence of her chatting with him, telling him she hadn't told me anything and wasn't going to, she came clean. She basically told me to "get over it", since she had ended the chatting (but not unfriending him or stopping posting on each others FB pages). She became very angry at me if I brought it up and if I asked her specific questions she said that I was just trying to trap her in a lie. Ultimately, at my request, she did unfriend him.

It has been about three months since my discovery and her admitting the truth, and our relationship has been very tense. I'm constantly thinking about her chatting with this guy and it's driving me nuts. How should I proceed with this? I'm at a loss as to how to deal with my own emotions, much less hers. I love her very much, and I know that she loves me, but I can't stop thinking about this. I just want to get over it, but I don't know how to do so.


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

Let it go...This is just as hard on her as it is on you...Don't make something over nothing....What could have happened, never happened....Let this be fair warning of the hot emotional wants of a woman....If she is not receiving what she both emotionally and sexually needs, yes she could have wandered....She wants some graphic sex, then give it to her...Bring her back to your days of old and don't let up....When boredom sets in, excitement is just a keyboard away....Good luck....

Personally, I don't like Facebook and all these sites...Too tempting to a lonely heart....


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

This is NOT just as hard on her. Give me a break.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

My wife had an affair in July and our love and marriage are stronger than ever BUT I still get visions in my head so I understand it is hard to get rid of this. I guess it takes time. I agree it is hard on the cheater but also agree there is no comparision to how the cheated feels. So many emotions to deal with!


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## tryinghardtogetover (Sep 23, 2009)

Thanks for the input everyone. I know it's going to be a long process, and some days/weeks are going to be better than others. I will keep working on it!


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

dobo said:


> This is NOT just as hard on her. Give me a break.


Unless you have been in this situation in life, you don't know what you are talking about...For the person that has done this deed, they must live with the sorrow and guilt of this action...It can work on her as "more" than an emotional affair...Questioning yourself and putting self doubt in your mind, can be quite a penance for your sins to start...Then to see the one that you love suffer can add to this problem...

If a couple truly loves each other, then it can be worked out...If there was doubt, it will again show it's face...


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Have you and your wife discussed what was missing for her? You will need to deal with the internal issues of the marriage. Don't be surprised at her attitude of "get over it" like in many if not most wondering spouses she is deflecting some of the blame to you. If she has ended all contact that is good. If she resents you for it, that's normal. I have been through this and my marriage survived. It will take time but it will improve with effort. Make sure you and your wife are spending quality time together to rebuild the love, support and trust. Hang tough, this will likely take time. Good luck.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Are you saying you've cheated on your husband, Caroline? 

Further, by what measure do you determine that the cheater suffers more than the cheated upon? The cheater has all of the information. The cheated upon never does. The cheater knows the complete truth. The cheater chose the path they took. The cheated upon had it thrust on them. The cheater doesn't suffer PTSD from what occured. The cheater doesn't stop dead in their tracks when something triggers fear in them. The cheater has no idea that half of the things he cheated upon experiences are even happening.


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

No, I never cheated on my husband during marriage, however, while we were engaged I had an affair with my married boss...I was young...Stupid...Beautiful....Horny and hot to trot....Never had full intercourse, nor gave him oral sex which he tried to force upon me, but it was hot, wild and gave me a perception on life that I will never forget....It ended a couple of months before my marriage, but it was pure hot sex...He was a wise older man and I was young horny and somewhat untouched woman that gave out like a candy machine...My husband never found out about this....Oh, how I wanted to tell him and relieve my sins...But, I didn't...Thank God for that...First, he would not have married me if he knew it before marriage and I doubt our marriage would have held up if he found out after it...I got pregnant immediately...This is the saving grace in our being together now...I was a spoiled brat and he and I held together for the baby...The man waited for me to grow into being a woman....You know that women are not born....They learn as they grow.....And the learning never stops...All of them who think they know life are still learning....I know that I am....

This incident of what happened to me in my past plus my husband's near affair have given me a depth of knowledge that few women find in their life....Then to be this much in heat for each other at this age should show women that hot love only ends if you let it happen....Funny as it may seem, I can't regret this part of my life....For without it, I wouldn't have the knowledge of life that I do....Nor have the capability to speak to women about the perils of life and teach them to forgive themselves for any wrong doings....They are all just part of life and learning....


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

So you have no idea what the other person feels because you never had the guts to share what you did with him. Though I suppose you probably lived in fear he'd find out about what happened. 

But I do agree about self-forgiveness. That's important for everyone in a lot of areas of life.


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

dobo said:


> So you have no idea what the other person feels because you never had the guts to share what you did with him. Though I suppose you probably lived in fear he'd find out about what happened.
> 
> But I do agree about self-forgiveness. That's important for everyone in a lot of areas of life.


What you consider "guts", I consider "good judgement"....Why should I relieve my sins and make myself feel better at his expense?...I feel this way...I learned a very valuable lesson in life with this experience...I learned what a hot and horny woman that I was...I learned to keep the tiger in her cage as she could be "one hot mama"...This lesson in life I have remembered all my life...Oh, and yes, I did live in fear..My worst problem was not telling him...Yet this happened before marriage and I was wise not doing it....It was so stupid yet because of this I now know the reason of many of the younger women in affairs...They are not necessarily in love with the man...They need sex...This is the lesson in life that I now know and have learned....Sex is the name of the game in an affair...Honey, I am a very wise woman from life...Not from books...

What I learned in his affair where the person wanted him that I wrote up today in my marriage post, is just how far a woman in sexual want will go to get a man...The same is true of the woman in the post we speak about...She did not do this because she was looking for a lost friend,...She did this because she was lonely and her sexual parts were crying out for the passion that a woman needs....Even if they were only words of lust.....


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## tryinghardtogetover (Sep 23, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> Have you and your wife discussed what was missing for her? You will need to deal with the internal issues of the marriage. Don't be surprised at her attitude of "get over it" like in many if not most wondering spouses she is deflecting some of the blame to you. If she has ended all contact that is good. If she resents you for it, that's normal. I have been through this and my marriage survived. It will take time but it will improve with effort. Make sure you and your wife are spending quality time together to rebuild the love, support and trust. Hang tough, this will likely take time. Good luck.


Yes, we have discussed her needs extensively. I fully admit that I wasn't giving her the attention she needed because of business distractions, and she was ripe for someone to "chat her up" because of it.

I have made it a point to give her the attention she deserves as my wife, and things have gotten much better...it's just an emotional roller-coaster right now for both of us. I'm confident that ultimately we will get past this stage, and reading other people's history has been theraputic for me. I realize others have gone through much worse and made their marriages work. Thanks everyone for the comments.


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## tryinghardtogetover (Sep 23, 2009)

CarolineMRF said:


> What I learned in his affair where the person wanted him that I wrote up today in my marriage post, is just how far a woman in sexual want will go to get a man...The same is true of the woman in the post we speak about...She did not do this because she was looking for a lost friend,...She did this because she was lonely and her sexual parts were crying out for the passion that a woman needs....Even if they were only words of lust.....


She was looking for someone to confide in because I wasn't there for her at that time like I should have been. She says she had no intention for it to go as far as it did, but I understand her desires took over once it was available and she went along with it.

I wish to God that I hadn't found out about it, because I belive her that she ended it before I did find out and had no intention of chatting sexually with this person again. Once I had suspicions they ate at me and I had to know for my own sanity. Maybe this is a blessing as a wake up call, but it's hard medicine to take.

She was humilated and embarassed, and my finding out only exacerbated those emotions, and she took it out on me. I completely understand that and view it as a good thing...I never ever expected this from her, and her reaction to it is comforting...it is easier to rebuild trust in someone who obviously feels regret for what they did. I trust her intellectually, but emotionally it is still very difficult to deal with.


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

tryinghardtogetover said:


> She was looking for someone to confide in because I wasn't there for her at that time like I should have been. She says she had no intention for it to go as far as it did, but I understand her desires took over once it was available and she went along with it.
> 
> I wish to God that I hadn't found out about it, because I belive her that she ended it before I did find out and had no intention of chatting sexually with this person again. Once I had suspicions they ate at me and I had to know for my own sanity. Maybe this is a blessing as a wake up call, but it's hard medicine to take.
> 
> She was humilated and embarassed, and my finding out only exacerbated those emotions, and she took it out on me. I completely understand that and view it as a good thing...I never ever expected this from her, and her reaction to it is comforting...it is easier to rebuild trust in someone who obviously feels regret for what they did. I trust her intellectually, but emotionally it is still very difficult to deal with.


First, thank you for your wonderful words letting me know that years ago I did the right thing...It took me many years to get past this...

She only did this to get off...Women keep things secret...They have these strong sexual wants that they don't tell their partners/husbands about...They feel dirty when they shouldn't...It is all part of a wonderful relationship between two people...

It is hard medicine for both of you to take...But, in the end it will make a stronger marriage....Cling to each other....Make her a woman...This is what she needs....I send you all my love and hopes for a happy life....

P.S. Next week I will add a post under my marriage thread about the real woman within the woman...Kind of bold, but oh so true....Take care....


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