# Would like to match my wifes sexual experiences with her



## JustHuman (Jan 30, 2015)

The backstory is quite long, maybe quite ordinary too, in a way, trying to summarize here: I was a virgin when I met my wife over 20 years ago. We were around 20 at the time. She had had one long relationship (4 years) + some brief sexual experiences with a couple of other men/boys.

I was sexually very very insecure, traumatic even: tight foreskin, very little social encounters with girls, thought I had a very small penis, could last less than ten seconds in bed and so on. Not going into detail, but when we started I wasn't sure if I'm capable of sex at all. I didn't know how to make an initiative towards sex, so I kind of blew it most of the times. Afterwards I would moan about how I was so bad at it, so I was really making it miserable for my then-gf, now wife.

My wife, when we started, shared some details about her sexual past. She says that she wanted me to open up, but obviously it just made me jealous and more insecure. My wife also had gained some weight and had some health issues that made the sex sometimes a bit painful. I thought that I was a "second, safe choice" and that she had been abandoned by the other men/boys. This made me reflect my own insecurities as disliking her body/sexuality, a downwards spiral of a sexual lock-up.

Anyway, we stayed together. We had a lot of good talks and still have. We share a common mindset and we felt a deep connection, although the sexual connection was lacking, mostly due to my insecurities. The sex has gotten better and better over the years. I do feel resentful that it took me so long to get where we are now.

Getting to the point, I promise: As I said, my wife shared some details of her past sex life. One of them was her getting laid in a winter forest. I know the place and who she was with. Unfortunately we now life in a house where I drive past the place several times a day. When I'm not feeling very strong, which is quite often, seeing the place eats me up.

I have gotten over a lot of past-life jealousy issues and insecurities. However, it really turns my stomach that I wasted all those years being sexually insecure and not adventure with my wife. So we haven't done it in the forest during the winter (or in the car or in the boat which I know she has done).

I'd like to get over this by doing it with her, in the winter forest. However, we have four kids so it's easier said than done. Also she says she hates cold and that the experience was not great and she would like to forget it. I can't bring my self to forget this, and I'm obsessing about "getting over" this by recreating this with her.

I'd like to do it in "our place", differently, by daytime when the weather is not too cold. As much on her terms as possible. I've mentioned this and she understands me and would like to say yes. But also she would like to forget this altogether, as I said.

What could or should I do? When I'm feeling strong I feel that I can let this go, create new adventures with my wife, totally different ones. But I fear that when a depression hits then this will come back and bite me. A big part of my depression deals with me being non-initiative, so this adds to the pile.

Is there a middle ground that would help me over my silly insecurities and non-initiative-issues but not recreate too much bad memories and/or pressure on my wife?

Sorry for being long-winded, I didn't have too much time to condense this text, but wanted to try and start a conversation about this.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Move to Colorado and smoke a big spliff before sex.
I think this would work wonders for you.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

If she didn't like it in a wintry forest and you suggest it and she turns you down, how's your insecurity looking then???

Find another spot... someplace she hasn't done it. One night in a luxury hotel, camping (even with the kids), etc... and claim it for your own.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

So how is your marriage overall? Do you feel loved? Does she show physical affection towards you, aside from sex, such as holding hands, spontaneous hugs, and other playfulness? Do you have a reasonably frequent and satisfying sex life with her?

Are there other recreations you've tried with her? You mentioned a car and boat as ones you have not done. But did you try to initiate those, and if so how did it not happen?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I completely get the regret over times lost. I complete get the urge to create the kind of sex life that would erase all those years of sexual dysfunction. What I don't get is you needing to lay your scent down in the winter forest. I think you are totally missing the point of what was erotic about it to her. It wasn't the location exactly, it was the spontaneity, the little bit of danger, the risk involved and the compulsion or impulsivity to throw caution to the wind and get naked anyway.

I would suggest you creat opportunities for you are your wife to blaze your own trail of spontaneous sex in slightly risky places. I would suggest you seek to create an erotically charged atmosphere, while out alone with your wife, in which throwing caution to the wind is definitely on the table. New or young love can't be duplicated, but erotically challenging one another can easily be achieved.

You both have to agree that this is something you're working toward. Go out to dinner and touch her while driving, tell her exactly what you'd like to do to her body. Hell, I'd even go so far as to tell her how you're going to bend her over the dinner table, yank up her skirt and charge forth because she is so delicious, right in front of everyone else in the restaurant. This is just talk, obviously you're not going to do that. You're just flirting in a sexually outrageous way that you both can enjoy taunting and teasing each other.

Hint, keep some towels in the car for comfort and clean up....


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Your issues are not about replicating your wife's sexual past.

Your issues are about insecurity.

Do you really think do that will relieve your anxiety? i doubt it.

Better, would be to focusing on the rest of your life experiences with your wife. Create new experiences and memories.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

I'd suggest you look into therapy, if you haven't already. This really isn't healthy, dude, and you said yourself the feelings are strongest when you feel depressed. 

Recreation isn't going to help, trust me. For one, it's not smart to bang in public when you have a bunch of kids. What happens if you were both arrested? In some states, that kind of behavior ends in one or both of you being branded a sex offender for life. 

And you know it's not going to console you long-term. You'll do your forest thing, and then you'll be thinking "what if it was better the first time she did it?" etc. It will just be this never ending cycle of jealousy and unhappiness.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

batsociety said:


> I'd suggest you look into therapy, if you haven't already. This really isn't healthy, dude, and you said yourself the feelings are strongest when you feel depressed.
> 
> *Recreation isn't going to help, trust me. For one, it's not smart to bang in public when you have a bunch of kids. What happens if you were both arrested? In some states, that kind of behavior ends in one or both of you being branded a sex offender for life. *
> 
> And you know it's not going to console you long-term. You'll do your forest thing, and then you'll be thinking "what if it was better the first time she did it?" etc. It will just be this never ending cycle of jealousy and unhappiness.



On occasion my H and I have car sex in my minivan. We always laugh wondering what the cops would do if they discovered us and I always get a kick out of proudly being arrested for screwing my husband in my minivan behind some building or in some abandoned parking lot. 

"A 56 year old Man and his 52 year old wife were arrested for indecent exposure after they were spotted having sex in a minivan in the state park, which is closed after dark. The woman stated 'With a house full of kids the state should be thanking me for keeping the marriage connected and out of the court system due to divorce!' Interview at 11:00."


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

To date, what kind of sexual experiences have you had with your wife? I see you are referring to places to have sex, but are there other areas you can start out with that is easier to deal with when you have 4 kids? Maybe there is a sex position or several that you never did with your wife. Start there first and work your way outwards. I did the sex outside, in cars, stairwells, etc awhile back when I was younger and dating a GF and my wife, but now that I'm in my 40s that is not exactly something to turn my crank today like it did when I was younger and could not afford my own place or to check into a hotel.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Is shrinkage a concern?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

JustHuman said:


> ...I was sexually very very insecure, traumatic even...
> 
> ...As I said, my wife shared some details of her past sex life. One of them was her getting laid in a winter forest.
> 
> ...


First, you should do some additional introspection on your insecurities. You should reflect on the fact that your wife married you and not those other guys. You should think about how she stayed with you when you were emotionally/sexually messed up. You should think about her and her wants and desires.

You should also reflect on why this is so darn important to you that it has become an obsession when you are down.

You asked for middle ground. The only good reason I have heard of recreating past sexual experiences with others is to imprint the positive emotionas between two people. Let me explain. 

For example, if the best sex you ever had occurred with another woman in the back of a car, then it would might appropriate for your wife to try to "own" your thoughts and fantasies by having spectacular sex with you in the back seat of a car (but maybe when the kids are asleep and the car is parked in a closed garage with sheets over the garage windows).

The idea is sort of like Pavlov's dogs, it is all about conditioning. You or she "salavates" (or fantasizes) about when the bell rings (or when you crawl into the back seat). After a while of doing this rather than some other couples thing, it becomes your thing between you and your wife. Both know that this is actually the best sex you have ever had.

There is a hypnotic performance artist who gets a group of 4 to 10 fully clothed women volunteers from an audience and gets them to sit quitely without touching themelves. Then he gets them to think about their best sexual experience without saying what it is. He then provides them with gently hypnotic suggestions about how they are reliving it again and how arroused they are becoming, all without touching them or letting them touch themselves. Just his voice and his encouragement. He usually brings most of them to a full orgasm, just by talking to them and allowing their minds to go back to that past time. Some of them on climax with wet themselves and others will moan or thrash about. It is pretty incredible to watch. Something I will never forget.

The mind is the biggest sex organ. Again, the only reason that I would suggest you try to recreate your wifes past sexual expereiences with others, is so that you can own them. It should be about her emotions not your insecurity. It can be done.

The problem I see is that the winter forest fu*k was probably not her most treasured sexual experience and not worth your trying to "own" it and its memories. At least not from her perspective. 

If you want to try to compete with her past lovers to banish your mental demons, then pick some of her most treasured sexual experiences and do them until you own them. Then there will be no question in her mind AND YOUR MIND that you are the better lover. Otherwise, move on and let the past be the past. Focus on therapy for your current insecurities.

Or find out her fantasies that have never been met by any man and then fulfill them.

Good luck.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

If you do end up re-creating this event, the next step won't be letting it go. The next step will be obsessing over whether or not your encounter measured up with the original. And no amount of her telling you that it did will be enough.


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## JustHuman (Jan 30, 2015)

A warm thank you for all of your thoughtful replies. You have a nice community here!

You confirmed what I already knew if I just let my clear-headed side talk: trying to recreate the past won't help me with my mental issues. It might just make things work. If my wife's heart is not in it, then there is no point in doing it at all.

It was mostly my depressive side trying to make the decisions, wrong ones, I know. Previously I went from fantasizing about burning the forest and the holiday condos near by to visualizing hanging myself from one of the trees. Went to check out the locations. This made me try to think of a less extreme alternative. I do know that it would have been 100% a selfish deed. I was just going for "done it", not for "it was good". A mistake in the making...

But I see it now that the only way out is to concentrate fully on the current situation: make the best of what we have, on our own terms. Create a new, better sex life together, not trying to re-create anything (other than maybe some of our own past). We have had some experimental sex, so I know that we can definitely go that route a bit further. There is a bit of depression on both sides of the marriage at the moment, so just now I need to focus in the everyday life, taking care of everything. A string of unemployment + low pay temp jobs has created quite a bit of stress that we are working on.

If something sexual sometimes in the future happens in the winter forest with me and my wife, it must be mutual, somewhat spontaneous, and based on pure love and lust, not in some quirky made-up therapy-replacements of mine. It would make things worse: bring the past up closer, not make it more distant. Not take my wife's feelings 100% into account and so on.

Thanks again for the insightful answers!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

JustHuman, you've really glossed over what are probably some important factors in why you feel the way you do. I don't think it is simply some depression that you feel this angry or distraught over not having sex with your wife in the forest.

I suspect your issue is along the lines of you don't feel as if you are sexually normal, have had a normal sex life, and/or have parity with your wife. Perhaps you expected to have such a normal set of experiences with your wife, but she hasn't been willing to participate.

You're right that it isn't worth pushing your wife to participate in something her heart isn't into. Also I think she views such specific requests in a different way than you see them, because she has memories of that particular place. Those memories might not be good, which is what she claims, but there may be something else going on in her mind making her feel bad about what she thinks your motivations are. So, her refusal to have sex with you in the forest has nothing to do with you being less desirable than her previous boyfriends.

I suspect that if you two had a close, loving, and vibrant sex life it would not be an issue at all for you. So I think you are looking at the symptom rather than the underlying cause of the problem. You get angry, hurt, depressed when you drive past that forest not because of her past experiences there, but because of what you believe it means about you and the marriage.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

As a woman I can tell you that the one quality I find the sexiest is confidence. The other side of the coin is a lack of confidence is the biggest turn off. 

I've had sexual fantasies about the most awkward looking guys - take Adrian Brody for instance. Now that's an awkward looking guy, but he exhibits the confidence that makes him very sexy - to me. 

So I don't even think you should be going about this by focusing on your sexual relationship with your wife. Focus on you, building your own confidence. Getting in shape, reading up on sexual techniques, taking on personal challenges and meeting them. 

It doesn't sound like your wife is interested in having sex outside again. If you peruse this you are only going to make her feel like she has to do something doesn't want to do to appease you. You will see she's not into it (because she doesn't want to do it) and this will only further your distress. 

Believe in yourself, be confident, make her scream in new ways, learn to be the best lover she's ever had by paying attention to her body and knowing it better than she knows it. Desire her on a primal level, smolder for her. That is what every woman dreams of and few women get in reality.


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