# Cheating Confirmed and Confronted but Need More Help



## btrayed (Mar 7, 2013)

Hello,

I have confirmed that my wife has started a PA with only kissing and some touching and am now desperate to stop any more action.

My Wife and I have been married for 10 years and together for 22. Like most stories things get stale and neither one makes an effort until one drifts to another person.

It started two years ago when I was asked to fill in on a bowling team. I ending up staying on the team and one of the "friends" is the other man. We see hime once a week and he is also 13 years older than us.

I have not been as affectionate as I know i should and this drove her to fill in the void. She friended him on FB and I suspected she was dirty texting but let it go. While we were away a few weeks ago (while at a checkout) I saw a graphic text on here phone to him and I just about lost it and she could see that my face dropped. Because we we on a trip I held it together.

I then proceeded to review her texts in private and my fears were were confirmed. She could sense something was wrong with me so I decided to confront her with only the knowledge of the text from the trip to see what here response would be.
She said it was nothing and that it was not specific to the two of them just a general comment. (Not true since I saw the rest of texts). She said just friends blah blah.. (brush under rug)

I also told her that I would love to talk to here this way as it is exciting and I want her to enjoy sex. She said ok.

A few days later I come home and she says she wants to go to a couple of stores. (RED Flag) She never goes without dragging me. The guy lives about a mile away so I drove over there and her car was there. I could not help but stop and keep anything from happening. I knocked and after a minute he answer and asked me in. He then proceeded to look me in the eye and said "you have nothing to worry about" and she said we were just talking at the table. 

The next morning I reviewed messages and they were in fact kissing and discussing what else would have come if I did not show up. My heart sunk and I was irate.

Now the twist in the story. My wife and I are probably having the best sexual experience ever since this started. My gut feeling is that she is using me a tool to "practice" what she will do with him and that hurts but I love what we are doing.

This Monday. She calls me and says she just feels like going home early from work. I know that the OM get out of work around 3:30 and home by 4. I had another gut feeling and immediately left to try to catch in act but I am 1/2 hour away.
I checked with a neighbor and she arrived home about 20min later that she should have. She did mention she got gas but that is only 5 min.

So, the next morn I checked texts and confirmed again that contact was made but this time touching was involved.

I confronted again saying I love you and was worried that you left work early since I caught her last time at his house. She just denied and said I love you and nothing is going on.

I know from her actions she does love me and does not want it to end but is looking to fill the lacking attention.

So now I don't know how to proceed.

I really want to confront the OM and tell him to end it and tell her he knows what they are doing is wrong and doesn't want to ruin my life. I will also tell him to say nothing to her that is his idea. This seems to be the less painful but also can backfire and be worse.

The other option is to confront her again and ask to see her phone. She always ask to see mine (Guilty sign). I know that she has not deleted the history so I will see what I already know. I am just afraid of what will happen and don't know how to handle it.

I have the proof saved but don't want to have to use it so that she doesn't feel like I was spying. I even feel awful that I have to do it.

Please advise


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Touching was involved? And you take blame for giving her poor attention!
If there are issues in marriage, she should talk to you.

Read the newbies link. That is the first thread in this forum.

She is physically involved with her OM and you should know if that is acceptable you.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

*Be prepared to lose your marriage if you want to save it.
*
That's what you need to understand first and foremost.

It sounds to me like she's flaunting her cheating right in
your face and daring you to do something about it.
She's a cake eater and wants the security you provide
and also the excitement of sexting and being with the OM.

Personally, _*I don't know how you didn't punch his lights
out the first time you caught her over there.*_

I'm sorry my friend, but BOTH of them are making a mockery
of you and your manhood. You need to toughen up and fight back!!

If you're not strong and end up letting it just blow over, what does that tell her? 
That you're a weakling who doesn't mind her being with other men.

Sit her ass down and tell her that she has ONE chance to come clean, or *you're filing for D*.

If she lies to you, *you file for D*.
If she refuses to answer, *you file for D*.
If she refuses to stop ALL CONTACT with this pr!ck, *you file for D*.
If she agrees to NC and you catch her again, *you file for D*.


I'm sorry you've been put in this position, but your wife seems
to be suffering from the same problems many cheating wives have in common. Mine did as well. 
You can't fix them. They are broken and once they've checked out, they're GONE and are never the same person you married.

She's putting on a show for you and a different one for him 
(if you catch my drift). Her life was boring and now she's playing 
games just for the rush - like it's a soap opera or something.

Don't play along with her sick and twisted sense of reality.

Get your ducks in a row and prepare yourself for the battle of your life. 

You're in good company here.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

btrayed,

You are wasting your time. The deed is done. Many times over. You think they are just cuddling like pre-teens? Just pecking on the lips like teens? 

They are adults. Wake up. Stop taking blame for HER decisions. 

You are trying to put the egg back in the shell. Can't be done. It's time to make an omelet. Scramble her thinking. Give her ONE chance to:
come clean on all of it. Written out in detail.

Go NC with him

Expose to her family and yours

Write you an apology

Arrange for IC 

that's for starters. The alternative should be immediate. Divorce. She has the benefit of your companionship and security while she gets her emotions and extra sex from him.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

DUDE.
had i caught my wife with OM, actually caught her in the act or somewhere with him, or _at his house_...
god help us all.
let your nuts drop and go ahead and make your wife choose you or him.
if she cant make the choice RIGHT THEN, make it for her.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The first thing you MUST do is STOP TAKING ANY BLAME. She cheated. You did not stick their lips together, did you? Did they accidentally kiss?? NO. Your wife CHOSE to do this.

Also, 'kiss' is cheatspeak for 'had sex'. Just an FYI.

Have a good look at the Newbie link in my signature.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

btrayed said:


> I know from her actions she does love me and does not want it to end but is looking to fill the lacking attention.


Really? These actions show her love for you?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Im still trying to figure out if she thinks you are on to her why her text messages arent being deleted. Why am I hung up on her ignorance?


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## btrayed (Mar 7, 2013)

Thanks for the initial replies.

First off I do not take blame at all. The "blame" is only my understanding that I also was not doing my part to have a stronger relationship. She is at fault not me.

I did not knock the guy out because going to jail would not solve anything other than feeling good.

The other reason is we bowl together with 3 other friends and I am trying to solve this without having to tell them all.

I am not naive and firmly believe she has not had sex with him YET. She has never been away from me or from work during this time other than the two times I mentioned. 

She is also very insecure and worries when someone is mad at her or that she did something to make them mad. This is how he got to her.

It seems that the correct method is to sit her down ask for her phone find what I know will be there and ask what she wants to do?

I believe she will want to fix this. 

How do I handle the fact we are part of a team? I feel I should not have to leave because of him. Do I tell the team or keep quiet and work it out between us.

LetdownLTX: she needs to reread them to feel wanted i think. and her phone is Pwd protected. I did figure it out and she doesn't know


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

WHO CAREs THAT YOU WERE SPYING??!!!! Your wife is messing around with another man. You have seen it. You have been seeing it!!! Stop letting them play you and go awol! 

WTF??!! IF there is a slim chance they have not gone all the way yet...you can stop this. Quit p*ssy footing around, damn.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

btrayed said:


> Thanks for the initial replies.
> 
> First off I do not take blame at all. The "blame" is only my understanding that I also was not doing my part to have a stronger relationship. She is at fault not me.
> 
> ...


You end all contact. This is your marriage. F'ck bowling! You leave or he leaves...who cares. Get yourself and your wife as far away from that bowling ally as possible. Because if he leaves and joines another team..guess what..he will still be around the same place you go. 

You don't sit your wife down and ask for her phone..you have already seen all the proof you need. You tell her to end all contact or you will divorce her @ss. 

There is no "talking"...there is only blowing this out of the water.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Get info on the pos and expose him with his family/workplace that should cool his jets.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Im still trying to figure out if she thinks you are on to her why her text messages arent being deleted.
> Why am I hung up on her ignorance?





> It sounds to me like * she's flaunting her cheating right in
> your face and daring you to do something about it.*


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

Sorry that you are here but, Wow man you need to get to acting... You have your proof. None of those texts are acceptable. Expose expose expose, im sure the bowling team would like to know that they have a guy on there team that is a schmuck. She should of never been to the guys house the first time you caught them there. Plus Letdown nailed it she obviously has to be aware your onto her and still doesn't try to hide it. Wow she either thinks you trust her so much that you wouldn't spy on her, or thinks that you have no balls to act. You need to put a stop to this now. You don't need anymore proof. The longer you wait the more your WS will get attached which will make it harder for her to dettach.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

btrayed said:


> ...She is also very insecure and worries when someone is mad at her or that she did something to make them mad. This is how he got to her....


^^^this could be true. But often people act adopt a different persona with others. So "how you know her to be" is only true with how she acts with you. 

You might be shocked at how she acts with others.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You did nothing when you caught them redhanded, now they think you are just a pu**y. He takes what he wants. You better show her you are the man or shd is gone.

They are cheating like two dogs in heat and you're worrying what she is going to think of you? Unbelievable.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

I'm telling you flat out.... if you're not strong enough towards
her hurtful behavior, if you don't put the hammer down on 
both of them and give them strict consequences, 
it will only continue to get worse.

Please don't be so naive. 

I'm not trying to be rude, just trying to prevent you from 
ending up like the rest of us BS's that are here dancing 
in the TAM boneyard.

It's a great club to be in, yet I wouldn't wish it on anyone... you included.

Be strong and do the right thing.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

What are you priorities? Your marriage, you family or a stupid bowling team? You should be the one to quit this toxic environment as you can't forbid him to go there. Can you refrain if something serious if you see him tomorrow there with her smirk in his face?

Sir her down. And make you demands:
- Standard NC letter. NOW. As us for templates.
- Complete transparence, acountability of whereabouts.
- Full disclosure.
- ___ Insert her whatever you thing about (quitting the bowling team is a must, getting rid of toxic friends/confidants, people in the know, NC, IC, STD tests...)

*This or divorce*. No barganing, no time to think, no procanasting...

And you talk to a lawyer anyway on her back and you become an amateur PI to veryfy and monitor all of this from now on.

You must be serious as a heart attack. Do you like to share your wife? Then give her a couple of hygiene sugestion or even buy a pack of comdoms and embrace the cuckold/hotwife lifestyle. What's worse for you, sharing her or losing her? That's the real question here.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am sorry you are here but it is time to man up. You cannot care who knows. This bowling thing is over.

Expose this A to your families, the bowling team ect. and do it now.

Get a grip I would bet a hundred to one they have done things together, Remember Bill Clinton's definition of sex.

You have to deal with this firmly and right now. Expose, Confront, get passwords to everything, Make her write a NC letter, you send it.

Tell her to go get an STD test and you get the results. By the way cut off her cell phone.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

She has lied about her location twice that you know of. What is to keep her from leaving work without telling you and meeting him? What would keep them from hooking up on extended lunch breaks together? 

You are way too accepting of what she is telling you. 

Plus confronting OM is worthless. You already know this. They hooked up again AFTER you caught them the first time. Now they will be extra careful, but they will not stop.

Your wife is physically cheating on you. You caught her and she did not stop. You need to expose to everybody if you want to save your marriage. Friends, family, OM wife or girlfriend, bowling team - everyone.

I predict that one night your wife will be sickly or busy and not go to bowling with you. You will go and OM will not show up. Want to guess what will be going on while you are bowling?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

mahike said:


> I am sorry you are here but it is time to man up. You cannot care who knows. This bowling thing is over.
> 
> Expose this A to your families, the bowling team ect. and do it now.
> 
> ...


You have to go scorched earth now if there is any chance of saving this.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You have decided to be one of those guys that refuses to act. Good luck. Some guys come here because they are in shock, but then wake up, and start being strong. And the other type, your type, are never going to man up. If you want to fix this start acting like a man who deserves respect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Forgot to mention this - no married adults secretly go to another non-spouses house and only kiss and touch. That is teenage stuff.

What do you think took him so long to answer the door when you caught them together. Get the clothes back on maybe?


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## btrayed (Mar 7, 2013)

illwill said:


> You have decided to be one of those guys that refuses to act. Good luck. Some guys come here because they are in shock, but then wake up, and start being strong. And the other type, your type, are never going to man up. If you want to fix this start acting like a man who deserves respect.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am both in shock and don't want to have my current household life change I guess. 

I can't have both. I have not maned up and acted because there is a right way in order to save a marriage and a wrong way. I am looking for the salvage method first. That's why I came here


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)




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## Clegane (Oct 29, 2012)

btrayed said:


> The other reason is we bowl together with 3 other friends and I am trying to solve this without having to tell them all.


You should prioritize; what's more important to you? Your marriage or that you save face with your bowling team, which the OM is a member of? It's possible that OM has already bragged to his buddies about this married woman who wants his c0ck. 

If you want to save your marriage, you will have to put your wife through some unpleasantries and make her face consequences for her actions (instead of taking blame and excusing her actions). 

You SHOULD have ended this when you showed up at OM's house, and later had your wife send him a NC text. 

Someone already said it and I'll repeat it, you do indeed have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. Or, at least seem like you're willing to lose it.

Good news is this affair hasn't been going on for too long and you're caught on to it relatively early. You're also doing some of the right things like monitoring her actions and not revealing your sources. Bad news is you're not as aggressive as you need to be to protect what's yours.

-Expose the affair to wife's family and to anyone you and OM both know
-Demand wife to go NC
-Have her send a NC text/letter to OM that you've read
-Talk to her about the boundaries that you expect out of a marriage 

I know this probably seems extremely harsh to you. You probably think your wife doesn't deserve this and that this is over the top. But being nice about it isn't working for you and it usually doesn't others either. This approach will save your marriage, and an added bonus is that your wife will find you more attractive for protecting her and the marriage by taking decisive actions.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

no offense but allowing your wife to rugsweep without consequence is the wrong way to salvage a marriage


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

btrayed
I think you are relying on 'love story - movie type' solutions to reclaim your marriage. If so, please disabuse yourself of using these methods. 

You have received solid advice. If she has any intention of re-committing to your marriage these actions will force her hand to doing so immediately. If she isn't planning on fully re-committing then you may as well know now. 

Inaction will not serve you. Not at all.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

btrayed said:


> I am both in shock and don't want to have my current household life change I guess.
> 
> I can't have both. I have not maned up and acted because there is a right way in order to save a marriage and a wrong way. I am looking for the salvage method first. That's why I came here


 There is a way to fix your marriage, while keeping your self respect. Any other wau comes with too high of a price.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

The OM has already judged your potential. He KNOWS (and probably confirmed by your WW) that you are no competition for him.

Now you have only two options:
1. ACT RIGHT NOW. forget about morality of spying and such. Its your wife - not some person on road. 
2. Keep on thinking, talking to your wife, again watching their affair progressing, thinking, talking, ....

You are a gentleman. The OM ISN'T.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

btrayed said:


> I am both in shock and don't want to have my current household life change I guess.
> 
> I can't have both. I have not maned up and acted because there is a right way in order to save a marriage and a wrong way. I am looking for the salvage method first. That's why I came here


Uh, what we're saying IS the way to save your marriage.

Have you read the newbie link yet?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

btrayed said:


> I am both in shock and don't want to have my current household life change I guess.
> 
> I can't have both. I have not maned up and acted because there is a right way in order to save a marriage and a wrong way. *I am looking for the salvage method first.* That's why I came here


You are right about one thing. There is a right way and wrong way.

But by doing this so called "salvage" approach, you're actually doing the opposite. You're sabotaging.

In situations like this, if there is any chance to salvage a marriage, there is a small window of opportunity. You've been given advice on what to do to have the best chance to R. It's seems counter-intuitive to you right now, I get it.

But if you ignore the collective wisdom, and continue to show weakness, you'll likely find that window of opportunity has passed you by. Then it's too late.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

btrayed said:


> I am both in shock and don't want to have my current household life change I guess.
> 
> I can't have both. I have not maned up and acted because there is a right way in order to save a marriage and a wrong way. I am looking for the salvage method first. That's why I came here


Look its hard to understand I know. But your doing it all wrong. Take it from a guy who failed. You do not want to be me. It is a miserable and painful experience. Read my story to understand failure. It is in my signature.

It is your in trepidation and belief that your doing it "right" is what will make you fail. When these things occur *"EVERYTHING YOU THINK IS RIGHT IS ACTUALLY WRONG"*

I know its hard to understand and accept, but it is true.

As was mentioned, you have to make a real and honest choice. Do you want your marriage or not. 

Assuming you choose your marriage, you need to expose this to everyone including this other persons family if possible. You need to be unwavering and steadfast in completely breaking any further communication between your family and this other man. 

The reason for the exposure is to shock your wife. To have enough people inundating her with calls that will give her little or no time to set up a story with this Other Man. Trust me they will try to down play this as much as possible to friends and family to the point that they will make it look like your nuts and going overboard. 

You then need to consult a lawyer and get a card. You then need to set up an appointment with a Marriage Counselor. 

What you do next is give both cards and let her know you either expect her at the MC or the lawyers office. Nothing more and nothing less.

If you continue to be the jelly fish you seem to be portraying then you will be in my boat soon enough. Again not a fun boat to be in. I've been in shoot outs where I felt I had more control over the situation then I do during this situation.

Again I know this is all odd. Its almost caveman like. But trust us when we tell you it is more then necessary. 

Do not believe for a second, not a second all they did is kiss. My god man are we in a 5th grade class during recess ? These are grown adults we are talking about. When this stuff happens its not kissing they want to do. It is fvcking and sucking.. They got past the kissing part 50 text messages ago.

Once your at Marriage Counseling you will see the truth hopefully come out and you will be shocked. But I would push for the belief that sex has occurred as this will push her to tell the truth to the MC. 

My wife pulled the wool over both my eyes and the MC and it was devastating for me.

Again please just do what we are telling you to do. Again I felt like you did and I lost my marriage, my wife and my kids. Even my RL friends were telling me to do this stuff and I didn't listen. 

It is obvious you just found this forum and posted and didn't read much of the stories here. If you took the time to do so you would see that every story of infidelity is the same and all of them pretty much run a script.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

btrayed...if she really hasn't boned this guy yet, you have an opportunity that most, if not all of us here would give both of our nuts/tits for...you can stop this before it turns into sex. Before it turns into something that can never be taken back. Before it is something that will never be forgiven for. 

I would do ANYTHING to have been given even a goddamned glimpse of what was really going on before it was too late..please stop wasting the chance you have to reclaim your wife!!!


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## btrayed (Mar 7, 2013)

Thank you all.

I will be taking action to save my marriage and most likely tonight.

It is very hard to accept that one must be prepared to lose a marriage and possibly to change your life in or to save it.

My only item that seems counterproductive (I know this is expected) is to tell everyone else. Is this just for shame and prove a point? It seems that this will create a problem for the other friends that they don't need.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Be strong tonight no emotion no begging. Exposing takes all the fantasy out of the affair. Bowling league is over, nc letter you deliver if she can't agree pack her stuff in garbage bags and drop her off at his house. Yes it's crazy but you have to shock her and show her you are serious.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

btrayed said:


> My only item that seems counterproductive (I know this is expected) is to tell everyone else. *Is this just for shame and prove a point?* It seems that this will create a problem for the other friends that they don't need.


NO, No it isn't for "shaming" not at all. 

What it does is it makes it very uncomfortable for the affair to continue. It's easy to continue in the dark - but much harder to continue the affair in the light of day. 

It "costs" them to get together. They may face embarrassing questions from others and their seemingly innocent get togethers in public won't have the ring of innocence. 

This is intended to break them up. Reveal and expose to people she respects. Whose opinions matter. For him, expose to his immediate family. For the same reasons.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The reason you expose is to make it as difficult as possible for the affair to continue.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

btrayed said:


> Thank you all.
> 
> I will be taking action to save my marriage and most likely tonight.
> 
> ...


btrayed, read the first couple of pages of this thread from the MB board. It will answer all your questions about exposure.

Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

btrayed said:


> I know from her actions she does love me and does not want it to end but is looking to fill the lacking attention.


This is called having the wool pulled over your eyes. She is trying to pacify you so you don’t get too suspicious of her affair or do anything about it. 



> I can't have both. I have not maned up and acted because there is a right way in order to save a marriage and a wrong way. I am looking for the salvage method first. That's why I came here


You came to the right place. The “right” was is to man up; playing the nice guy enables affairs and they end up losing respect for you because you basically let them disrespect you. 

Nothing short of dropping the hammer and dropping it hard will make her “wake up” and motivate her to end the A. You simply can’t ask her, you have to make her WANT to end it for fear of losing her M. It’s not possible to go overboard here, her kissing and touching an OM is grounds for a D. Don’t let her minimize it or insult your intelligence when you catch her in another lie.

Play the D card then actually look for a lawyer, you may end up needing one before this is through so it will let you be ahead of the game PLUS let her know you are not taking this laying down.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

btrayed said:


> It seems that this will create a problem for the other friends that they don't need.


And therein lies your major problem. You are a classic 'nice' guy who gives a damn about what other people think of him.

Any 'problem' that you create for your friends pale in comparison to the sh!tstorm headed your way.

Your wife and the OM are having sex and you're the last to know. Your bowling buddies are probably already aware of this.

Take the advice that you've been given and act on it TONIGHT.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

btrayed said:


> Thank you all.
> 
> I will be taking action to save my marriage and most likely tonight.
> 
> ...


No. Affairs are like mushrooms.

They thrive on bullsh!t and darkness.

You take away the BS and shed light on them, they die.


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## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

Being a nice guy won't work here. You're still in the "What can I do to win her back" mode. You need to switch over to "What can she do to win ME back" mode. As long as she thinks you're looking to win her back, she'll have no reason to come back to you. That's just how women are in this sort of situation. She thinks you'll stay with her no matter what, and that disgusts her. You need to prove you won't stand for this sheet.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

btrayed said:


> I did not knock the guy out because going to jail would not solve anything other than feeling good.


Count me among those who are stunned that you didn't pound this POS on the spot.



btrayed said:


> The other reason is we bowl together with 3 other friends and I am trying to solve this without having to tell them all.


If I was on your bowling team, one of my teammates was balling your wife, and you didn't warn me about the viper in our midst, once I found out about it, I wouldn't have anything to do with either of you again, because neither of you is trustworthy.

You're unbelievable, btrayed. You're worried about your effing bowling team?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

btrayed said:


> Hello,
> 
> I have confirmed that my wife has started a PA with only kissing and some touching and am now desperate to stop any more action.
> 
> ...


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Exposing it delivers a death blow to her fantasy world.

It's mean to burst their bubble and shine a light
on *HER* flaws.... *NOT* yours!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

btrayed said:


> Thanks for the initial replies.
> 
> First off I do not take blame at all. The "blame" is only my understanding that I also was not doing my part to have a stronger relationship. She is at fault not me.
> 
> ...


Because the bowling team is so important.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

He is screwing your wife and you're worried about a bowling team?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

keko said:


> He is screwing your wife and you're worried about a bowling team?


:scratchhead:


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## btrayed (Mar 7, 2013)

For the record I am not worried about the team. The problem is another couple who are good friends and see 3 times a week on on it. 

I know my life has been screwed but it seems unfair to drag everyone else into it. I now see that this is necessary now in order to stop the cheating.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Lisab0105 is trying to soft peddle this! She need s to say what she really thinks! 

Divorce this POS! Kick her out! Do not speak to her! Put all of her clothing in trash bags on the curb now! Just my 2 cents! David


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## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

btrayed said:


> For the record I am not worried about the team. The problem is another couple who are good friends and see 3 times a week on on it.
> 
> I know my life has been screwed but it seems unfair to drag everyone else into it. I now see that this is necessary now in order to stop the cheating.


Get over this. If you don't expose to them she'll just make up a bullsheet story about how things "Just didn't work out" with you two. She'll lie and say you were an awful husband and that you were emotionally abusive to her in private. Getting the truth out now is the only way you don't end up becoming the bad guy in the end. 

She chose this course of action, so unless you want to just divorce her and never talk to any of your mutual friends again (knowing that they now think you're an awful person who drove her away) then you have to tell them.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

btrayed said:


> I know my life has been screwed but it seems unfair to drag everyone else into it.


Download 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' pronto.

You are a textbook case.

You didn't deck the guy after you found your wife at his house and now you're saying how unfair it is to drag everyone else into your problem?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

During exposure you will find out who your true friends are. Cut out any toxic enablers that present themselves to you.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> During exposure you will find out who your true friends are. Cut out any toxic enablers that present themselves to you.


Sadly enough, you'll also find out which family members have the toxic, enabling mindset as well.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Btrayed

Exposure to friends shows you just who your friends are!

And in the real world there are real consequences for your wife and the OM's hurtful actions.

Good Luck tonight.

Do not settle for 2nd's.

HM64


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

DavidWYoung said:


> Lisab0105 is trying to soft peddle this! She need s to say what she really thinks!
> 
> Divorce this POS! Kick her out! Do not speak to her! Put all of her clothing in trash bags on the curb now! Just my 2 cents! David


:lol: haha If I could reach through the computer and shake him, I surely would!!


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## Clegane (Oct 29, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> No. Affairs are like mushrooms.
> 
> They thrive on bullsh!t and darkness.
> 
> You take away the BS and shed light on them, they die.


Beautiful.



happyman64 said:


> Exposure to friends shows you just who your friends are!


Truth. 

Exposing may feel like you're airing your dirty laundry and dragging others into your problems. I agree that a married couple could and should deal with their issues by themselves. It should be that way...when it's just the couple in the marriage. When a third person enters our marriage, the rules change. The only thing that matters at the end is what you do to protect your marriage. 

btrayed, when you expose, please remember that there's nothing to be apologetic about. You're NOT sorry for taking steps to save and protect your marriage. Do it with conviction, man.

Godspeed.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

btrayed said:


> Thank you all.
> 
> I will be taking action to save my marriage and most likely tonight.
> 
> ...


It is not about getting a pound of flesh from her. It is about ending the A. She will be shamed and her family will ride her a$$. The OM is then on notice that you are not going to take any Sh#$. 

The pressure and the snap you throw at her will jerk her out of the fog she is in. Get it done. You do not have to be an A hole but you need to be tough.

If she says not to anything point to the door and say get out


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

btrayed said:


> For the record I am not worried about the team. The problem is another couple who are good friends and see 3 times a week on on it.
> 
> I know my life has been screwed but it seems unfair to drag everyone else into it. I now see that this is necessary now in order to stop the cheating.


So your friends are going to either find out you were not man enough to hold on your wife when she dumps you at some point or they are going to know you are a man that does not put up with his wife f'ing around

Everyone here is talking from experience, you have to make this public.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Neither should your friends tolerate one of the pack diddling your wife.

He should be ostracized by all like a rabid dog.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Go read NMMNG! Seriously, your marriage takes priority over EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING if you really lover her. 
If true, unless the other couples are IDIOTS, they'll understand and put the blame on the correct two people.

Dang, stand up for yourself and your feelings.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Man you need to nuke this ASAP.
Serious consequences, including this couple finnaly learning about it (you can't pretend for so long). It's possible they can help you even.
You family is hanging by a thread. You are completely in denial about it. Think long term friend.
If you keep being so soft you will lose your wife to this OM, mutual friends will embrace them and you will be out, all alone, wondering what the f0ck happened here.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> A few days later I come home and she says she wants to go to a couple of stores. (RED Flag) She never goes without dragging me. The guy lives about a mile away so I drove over there and her car was there. I could not help but stop and keep anything from happening. I knocked and after a minute he answer and asked me in. He then proceeded to look me in the eye and said "you have nothing to worry about" and she said we were just talking at the table.


The OM has no respect or fear of you and sees you as a [email protected]$h. He knows what he is doing and doesn't care how you feel about it. He is comfortable in his actions because he knows you stood around and watched to many red flags appear and let it slide with no consequences. Your wife knows your personality and is taking advantage of it right in front of you. 

Your wife is cheating on you and your thinking about how much the sex is better because of it. Sure your upset, but not enough to do anything about except watch whats going on. Your priorities at the moment is fudged up. STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HER ACTIONS.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Tell this couple about OM as a predator, warn them about him. Shune him.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

btrayed said:


> Thanks for the initial replies.
> 
> First off I do not take blame at all. The "blame" is only my understanding that I also was not doing my part to have a stronger relationship. She is at fault not me.
> 
> ...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I hope you had the "talk" with her tonight. This bs has to stop.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

AlphaHalf said:


> The OM has no respect or fear of you and sees you as a [email protected]$h. He knows what he is doing and doesn't care how you feel about it. He is comfortable in his actions because he knows you stood around and watched to many red flags appear and let it slide with no consequences. Your wife knows your personality and is taking advantage of it right in front of you.
> 
> Your wife is cheating on you and your thinking about how much the sex is better because of it. Sure your upset, but not enough to do anything about except watch whats going on. Your priorities at the moment is fudged up. STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HER ACTIONS.


It is true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

I never knew there were so many guys like this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are living in a marriage where your wife is blatantly lying to you and is working hard to hook up and have sex with another man.

You absolute need to go nuclear on this. You tried direct and soft. You caught her at his home. Come on this is way beyond what might happen, it is clear you are the only one who is try to stop them having sex.

You must wide widely exposé And in thus case I would confront the OM and instruct him to get lost permanently. He is an enemy to your marriage and there will be consequences if he is seen around again,

Post him on cheaterville.com

I'm guessing he has no gf or wife.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You aren draging any body into anything, you are simplely asking for other to help you support your marriage...get it?

Until you make this affair inconvienent and uncomfrotable it will continue. So yes things like exposure and asking for support are tactics that make this kind of thing uncomfortable and inconvienent to continue.

With out consequences, bad behavior will continue.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Shake head sad. I know Im dreaming but update OP?

When does it happen when she cuts husband off cause shes getting all she needs from old bowling man?

I would kill to have this guy come back and say either.
1) I confronted and she is my new stepford wife with no phone or comp and I GPSed her car
2) I kicked her cheating buttocks out filed D am working on my heart and increasing my circle of friends to get house parties cause I know more house parties = more unattached women. More unattached women = more opportunities where some woman will give me zero resistance to me chatting her up... cause I know random poon is superglue for my battered ego and once my ego is mostly back my heart will follow at a furious pace.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Shake head sad. I know Im dreaming but update OP?
> 
> When does it happen when she cuts husband off cause shes getting all she needs from old bowling man?
> 
> ...



Man i love your comments you make it funny but has just as much good information and common since to it. Straight shooter i like it.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I wonder as well.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

We lose a bunch when they hear the truth. Its true.

I absolutely hate seeing a man be a doormat. OP is a classic. I know he wants to be nice. 

A man should be a mirror. I am your best friend if you are a friend to me. I have written up 500 dollar commission orders for friends at work. I took nothing except keeping them as a friend.

A man should get all nuke ass all over an enemy. If hes too big to fight which is a felony anyway... Out think him. embarrass him. 

Never hurt a friend...
Or help an enemy.

Not outing this to the bowling team is a HUGE disservice to the other men. Hell its a huge disservice to anyone else who brings their woman to that bowling alley. Who knows whose wife he will target next. It seems hes at least a grace C player looking for low hanging fruit.

He needs to alpha up. he will never be a hard alpha. He does not need to be to keep the right woman. I always thought of it this way: Alpha attracts. Beta holds. Don't have enough of either and you run into trouble. 

Beta can be great. Your wife has the bad flu and feels like she wants to die? Better be the sweetest beta on Earth. THAT is good beta.

Thanks Ody. Glad you stuck around to help the men behind you. I like painting a picture. Worst case. Even if you divorce. If you were a beta and alpha up... you will likely get a more physically attractive wife version 2.0 and being in TAM, while sometimes depressing, makes you sensitive to possible cheaters and more likely to choose wisely for wife 1.0's replacement. And yes, I believe firmly a great woman is an awesome part of a mans life. Even if you chose poorly the first time.

You were that guy from that small town I told you to delete as being specific right? EA and pretty good evidence it was not PA but caught it JUST BARELY in time? 

I don't like being alpha. I like being nice. I also know nice guys let their wives fu(k other men even if idirectly. 

I saw an email from a former BF to my wife that was on the edge between EA and merely hideously inappropriate. I alpha up hardcore on that. No uncertain terms. No contact. END OF EFFING story. She agreed and yes, I monitor. I do not tolerate males in my territory, not even at the inappropriate stage. 

After getting all apologetic she hits the mean phase. I cant believe you snooped. My response was I cant believe you LIED. She was mad but went silent... for two damn days. A PA is a deal breaker for me. I have the luxury that the OM is like 800 miles away and I can account for all her time. So yea, Im damn near certain it was just barely and EA and not a PA. My radar is up and she has no idea just how resourceful this place has made me if I need to up my game on snooping. Not invincible but a damn hard target.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

btrayed said:


> Hello,
> 
> I have confirmed that my wife has started a PA with only kissing and some touching and am now desperate to stop any more action.
> 
> ...


The best decision I ever made was dumping my W on Dday. That decision saved my marriage. Your W is detaching from you and reattaching to OM. The longer you allow this to continue the stronger she will feel toward him, and the less she will care about you. She's already sleeping with him. If it doesn't stop now, your M is done.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You have to expose this affair to the bowling team when you explain why you're quitting.
Demand your wife go NC on the OM.
Overtly keep track of all her communications cell, emAil, and her whereabouts

If she balks at any if this file for divorce
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Hay Btrayed How are you going to feel when you find out the rest of your bowling team / friends know this other guy is BANGING your wife and you did WHAT to stop it ? They are going to be laughing behind your back at what a >>>>>>>>> you are Wake TFU I hope this is your wake up call


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Any word from Btrayed ? or did they close the bowling alley ?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Hello btrayed, I know you must be feeling s*it right now, and some of these posts are not helpful. But something you should know is that a) ignore the rude and personal comments. They are saying the correct things but in such a rude way that it is intolerable. b) don't be scared off. There has been many a poster who has come here in your situation, with your mindset, and there is nothing wrong with you or them! But, because you are not behaving in the 'correct way' you get bullied. This is unpleasant to see. And uncomfortable to read. c) It is also uncomfortable to see someone being bullied and not standing up for themselves. I believe that is where the frustrations in some posters lie. You are being 'bullied' by your wife, totally walked over, and so some posters think it might be 'helpful' to bully you into sticking up for yourself regarding what is going on in your life. The thing is, the louder someone shouts, the less they are listened to. 

You have posted very little, and yet have received masses of posts and advice. That is a GOOD thing. Be pleased with that. You have received so many responses, and many people who post here are not as fortunate as you believe it or not. A thread like yours tugs at the heartstrings of many here. You are a man who is being treated very badly, and does not know what to do. Take the advice, and ignore the stupid comments. Don't even bother to address them IMO. But you should know that you are very fortunate in the number of replies, and good replies too, that you have received.

But keep on asking for advice as to what your next step should be. Many of us have been in a similar situation, did not realise the eroding of boundaries, acted in a way that was not helpful to saving the situation, and in fact made the whole thing worse. You are absolutely NOT on your own! 

I hope you come back here, this place will help, and take the advice while ignoring any personal attacking stupidity. You do need to address your situation, you do need to confront, you do need to man up, and you do need to lay the law down with your wife. So many of us here had to do the same and failed magnificently....if you can take the advice, and listen to the correct way of dealing with the situation, you will look back and be very very pleased you did. 

I hope you come back with an update of your confrontation, remember no upset, no begging....he who cares least gains most. Those who care least about the relationship have the most control. This makes sense right? Your wife has had control over you so far because you desperately want the relationship, she obviously is shi*ting on it. And your reactions have been to save what she is trampling on. So yeah, she has had the control in this situation up til now. Not good. Change it! 

And no matter how well or how badly you think the confrontation, or your next step before the confrontation goes, post here so people can give you the correct path or options of paths, and how to pursue them. It will help you and your situation. It is almost impossible to know the right way to deal with this situation when it is so new and so alien to what you have dealt with before. You are also in a fog, and people here can help you see clearly.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

And seeing clearly is imperative BTW if you want to save your marriage. If you can't see clearly....no blame, few of us could....then let us see for you. 

It is all in the script! And the scripts are all almost word for word the same!


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Betrayd Remains is exactly correct If he is referring to my post please accept my sincere apologies Come back and post share your load. Again my comments were painful to hear Remains Thank you for coming to his aid during this most challenging of time for him I was merely trying to get his attention Again Sorry for my insensitivity

Just got it 55


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Hes been gone longer than that 55.

Ugh. Hate it when we lose them to reality.


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