# His Needs, Her Needs questionnaire - how to convince hubby?



## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Hey y'all!

I took some great advice from this forum a few months ago and picked up the book His Needs, Her Needs. What a lifesaver! I cannot tell you how awesome this book is.

It has an emotional needs questionnaire at the end, and I am looking for advice on how to communicate to my hubby that I want him to fill it out along with me. Anyone want to share their experiences? 

I would love for him to read the whole book, but he works too much and is suspicious of these kinda things. I told him it's important to me, but he seems to view it as something he'll do only to please me--more as lipservice, as opposed something that might cause him to change his point of view. 

Thanks again, y'all!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I'm a big fan fo those books on needs.

However, I'm not a big fan of the questionares. 

Life is not so simple to ask your husband or wife "tell me what to do and I'll do it".

What I did is rather than ask my wife to fill out forms, I used the book as ideas for what possible needs are for women, and started doing things trial and error style. If the reaction was positive, I realized that was a need and kept doing more of that. If the reaction was negative or indifferent, then I stopped.

I think this is better than having someone "tell" you what their needs are.


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

If only my hubs would do the same! I think he has a fundamental understanding of what my needs are (we discussed the book casually) but there are certain specific things I want to explain to him and I don't know how. For instance he's super affectionate in terms of hugs and kisses, etc., but I find myself daydreaming about being taken out to dinner once in a while--even just a few times a year. Or getting flowers, or having him ask me questions about my day. 

Little things like that I want to express to him, and I feel like the questionnaire is my only option because he doesn't inquire voluntarily, ya know?

And BTW, I also took your approach and started doing more cooking/cleaning/dressing nicer... and it's made an obvious difference for him (he seems much more contented) but now I am left feeling like I got the short end of the stick because my needs aren't being met as fully as his are, and he isn't as interested in learning about them as I am about his. 



Hicks said:


> I'm a big fan fo those books on needs.
> 
> However, I'm not a big fan of the questionares.
> 
> ...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"I think this is better than having someone "tell" you what their needs are."

Wow, I so totally disagree with this, Hicks. There are many things my husband and I got to work out BECAUSE we were able to be completely honest and line out things that needed improvement, how to improve them, and also to praise things that were going wonderfully. But I'm glad it worked for you your way.

The way I got my H to do the forms and hear about MB, was by applying all the principals to myself and my own behavior first...for a bit of time too, like several months. And then after he started noticing the benefits of my changes in behavior, it was easy to talk to him about it and he was suddenly on board.


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> "I think this is better than having someone "tell" you what their needs are."
> 
> Wow, I so totally disagree with this, Hicks. There are many things my husband and I got to work out BECAUSE we were able to be completely honest and line out things that needed improvement, how to improve them, and also to praise things that were going wonderfully. But I'm glad it worked for you your way.
> 
> The way I got my H to do the forms and hear about MB, was by applying all the principals to myself and my own behavior first...for a bit of time too, like several months. And then after he started noticing the benefits of my changes in behavior, it was easy to talk to him about it and he was suddenly on board.


Got it. I agree. Maybe I just need to put in a little more time of meeting all his needs so that he feels calm and open to this whole process.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

My opinion is rather than ASK him what his needs are, you do the trial and error and see what really works, that is more effective and accurate.

THe way you wrote your question I though you wanted to know what his needs were. 

You are better off following the plan of faitful wife, do a good job meeting his needs for a few months. This will put him in a better frame to meet yours.

Eventaually you do discuss what your needs are and whether he would ever plan to meet them.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

We are currently working through this book together one chapter a week on Monday evenings. It's a standing appointment we have with each other. Once in a while we miss a week, but not usually. I get more out of it than he does, but he does it because he knows that. He's had a few AHA moments that he didn't expect to, also, which helps him to come back to it with a bit better attitude


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## Foolish1 (Apr 5, 2013)

My H is not comfortable at all with asking for things. I tried to get him to do the questionnaire as well but he just does not feel comfortable with it. It's pretty easy for me to guess what his needs are, now I'm just hoping I can get him to open up about how I can do a better job meeting them. He is making a good effort to communicate with me, and understand and meet my needs. If he wasn't doing this, I'd probably be more upset about him not doing the questionnaire!


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