# Move In Question



## Sarah44 (Feb 13, 2018)

I asked some questions here a while ago, really helpful advise have got. Many thanks!
Here I have question again:
This boyfriend we have been together 11 months, we are getting along each other very well, a lot of hobbies can do together, both are enjoying the relationship until recently he is planning to move in my house. We discussed about the rent he is planning to pay me only half of the market price. The reason is he is going to keep his own townhouse vacant in the case we are not getting along he can move back, his financial will be tight to pay mortgage and rent. He suggested me to have another tenant living in basement then could cover the shortage of his rent. I have two young kids in my home, I don’t want to have many new people move in and move out which is really annoying to me and kids. Also he started to build his tool shed in my back yard. It’s only three months away from the date he is going to move in. I told him to stop invest any money on my home but he insists to do it. 
I told him it’s not a good idea, also I won’t to take him until he figure out his feeling really decided to be with me or not, also I asked engagement and marriage.
I am wondering what to do next, I’ll talk to him of my concerns? If not working should I move on? We love each other, but if no commitment I doubt how long I have the interest to keep gf/bf relationship.
Your thoughts?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Why are you *already* deciding to let some guy move into your house with your children and you haven't even been with him for a year? What's the hurry???? You've barely been with him for a year and you're already subjecting your kids to some guy moving into their home and disrupting their lives? And what kind of complete idiot has so little concern for you and your kids that he suggests you move some stranger into your basement to make up for HIS short-fall in paying less than his share? What a scammer. 

May I assume you already HAVE a roommate living in your house with you who is currently paying half the rent and this roommate will have to move out if your boyfriend moves in? Of course, since your boyfriend wants to pay less, you'll _lose_ the revenue you were getting from your current roommate so your boyfriend's *answer* to that is to let his sorry ass move in anyway and pay you less but he wants you to rent out your basement to some stranger to make up the difference. Is *that* what this fool is proposing? I'm confused because you didn't explain your current living situation and I can only try to guess based on what you wrote.

But if that IS the case, then I'm sorry but your boyfriend is a real selfish POS for just expecting you to literally turn yours and your children's lives upside down JUST so his sorry ass can move in.

It seems he's REAL anxious to get himself a tool shed and I'm willing to bet it's because he can't HAVE one at his townhouse, so moving into *your* place is very desirable for him. I mean, who DOES what he's doing - starts building a tool shed in someone _else's_ yard *3 full months *before he's scheduled to move in (is that when your current roommate has to leave - in 3 months?) Jesus, it's so obvious he wants to take advantage of you living in a _house_ so he can have some dumb-ass tool shed that he can't have at his place. Is this shed for his livelihood or something???

Personally, I think you'll be making a huge *mistake *letting this fool move in and take advantage of you - and that's exactly what he'll be doing. He'll be paying less than he should while getting all the 5-star benefits of a great hotel - because I'm willing to bet that YOU'RE the one whose going to be doing all the cleaning, all the laundry, all the cooking, all the food shopping and all the thousands of other chores to keep the house running while he hangs out in his tool shed or watches TV and does little-to-nothing to contribute. *Mark my words*.

I want you to actually stop and truly think about the advantages he brings to YOUR life. Having him in your bed at night is not what I mean. It's obvious what he's getting from _*you*_ by moving in, but what does HE bring to the table? What are you getting in this deal?

Absolutely *nothing* from the sounds of it.

Don't do it. Whatever your current situation is, you'll be VERY VERY WISE to keep it and not let this user move in. He's doing it purely for convenience, NOT for commitment.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I think that you need to know each other’s future goals... whether or not each of you want to get married, if you guys want more kids etc before moving in together. IMO amount of time doesn’t matter, but knowing if you guys want the same things matters more.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Sarah44 said:


> I asked some questions here a while ago, really helpful advise have got. Many thanks!
> Here I have question again:
> This boyfriend we have been together 11 months, we are getting along each other very well, a lot of hobbies can do together, both are enjoying the relationship until recently he is planning to move in my house. We discussed about the rent he is planning to pay me only half of the market price. The reason is he is going to keep his own townhouse vacant in the case we are not getting along he can move back, his financial will be tight to pay mortgage and rent. He suggested me to have another tenant living in basement then could cover the shortage of his rent. I have two young kids in my home, I don’t want to have many new people move in and move out which is really annoying to me and kids. Also he started to build his tool shed in my back yard. It’s only three months away from the date he is going to move in. I told him to stop invest any money on my home but he insists to do it.
> I told him it’s not a good idea, also *I won’t to take him until he figure out his feeling really decided to be with me or not*, also I asked engagement and marriage.
> ...


It's a good idea to know whether he intends to marry you first.
But, how old are you?
How old is he?
Has he been married before?
Does common law marriage apply in your area?
I'm leaning toward @She'sStillGotIt


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Sarah44 said:


> I asked some questions here a while ago, really helpful advise have got. Many thanks!
> Here I have question again:
> This boyfriend we have been together 11 months, we are getting along each other very well, a lot of hobbies can do together, both are enjoying the relationship until recently he is planning to move in my house. We discussed about the rent he is planning to pay me only half of the market price. The reason is he is going to keep his own townhouse vacant in the case we are not getting along he can move back, his financial will be tight to pay mortgage and rent. He suggested me to have another tenant living in basement then could cover the shortage of his rent. I have two young kids in my home, I don’t want to have many new people move in and move out which is really annoying to me and kids. Also he started to build his tool shed in my back yard. It’s only three months away from the date he is going to move in. I told him to stop invest any money on my home but he insists to do it.
> I told him it’s not a good idea, also I won’t to take him until he figure out his feeling really decided to be with me or not, also I asked engagement and marriage.
> ...


You have answered a lot of your own questions already. 
He is going to pay only half the rent he should ?
Why does he not rent out his townhouse to pay for his 
mortgage and help with rent ? So he can move back in
if it does not work out. Doubts already. Are you sure 
about his financial situation ? Can he afford his townhouse ?
He wants to rent out part of YOUR house for money ? You 
do not want this. It is your house not his right !!

He is building a tool shed in your back yard and investing
money into YOUR house even thou you told him not to!!
But he insists !! Sounds to me like he is trying to control
your life already. Telling you what he wants to do even if 
you reject the idea. A good relationship can not and will 
not survive if it is one sided. His way or else NO, NO way.

You have your own house and your kids. Sounds like you 
have your life together but he doesn't. He isn't even sure
about his commitment to you also. He should not move in
Period !! 

He sounds controlling to me and you sound like someone 
who has a good life and just wants a good relationship.


I think you should tell him NO !! Give things more time 
and see if it works out. If he is really serious it will work 
out. If not move on. 

Live the life you want not the one he does.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

You should get a lawyer to write a letter to him to tell him to stop investing in your house AND that you don't don't owe him for what he has already done. you really need a third person to vouch for you.

This guy sounds selfish and controlling.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

The guy should have already thought of the impact a stranger added roommate would have on kids and you, if he was a keeper.

Game over. Dump him.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If he is so concerned with keeping his own residence, then he should find a renter for HIS place, not tell you to bring a stranger into your home with your kids. Also he has no business building anything on YOUR property. Stop letting him walk all over you. You havent even been together a year yet, what IS IT with people these days immediately moving in together?? I know of several people who have moved in together within mere WEEKS of being together! WHY?? WHY would anyone do that?? 

Honestly he sounds like a selfish jerk. Do you really want to disrupt your kids' lives for this man?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

None of this should be happening without a marriage commitment.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You are not thinking logically! If you were single I wouldn't even answer your post, but you have a child to consider.

For starters you do not want men rotating thru her life. You have no commitment with this guy so bringing him into your child's day to day life is a big fat NO.

He is already imposing by building a shed you told him not to. Him making improvements could very well give him an investment in your property. And you told him no...but he doesn't care. What does that say about his respect of you? Do you think he will become more considerate with time? Fat chance.

He wants to rent out your basement but leave his place empty "in case"? Consider the stupidity of that scenario. Consider the implications of a renter in the home with your daughter, you need to protect her, your boyfriend sure isn't concerned about her safety.

I would burn his little shed to the ground. He is not a good man, he is not a caring considerate boyfriend, and he sure as hell is not father material.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Tell him to back off and slow down, you barely know this man. You have kids to consider and they need a stable environment. He is also treating you like an option, if it doesn’t work out, he has a fall back plan. Why are you letting him call the shots about what is happening with your home. If he cannot respect how you feel or your wishes, time for him to stay in his property by showing him the road.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I agree with all advising you to slow down. 

In the interim, here's a suggestion to take your relationship to the next level: exchange credit reports and a copy of last year's tax return.

Money, debts, credit ratings aren't everything but they sure have contributed to relationship stress.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Robert22205 said:


> I agree with all advising you to slow down.
> 
> In the interim, here's a suggestion to take your relationship to the next level: exchange credit reports and a copy of last year's tax return.
> 
> Money, debts, credit ratings aren't everything but they sure have contributed to relationship stress.


At this moment, you have something he wants .... the promise of cheap housing.

As long as you only want him moving on your terms or not at all, you're in the driver's seat.

Once he's moved into your place ....... he is.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Cooper said:


> I would burn his little shed to the ground. He is not a good man, he is not a caring considerate boyfriend, and he sure as hell is not father material.


Haha, yep! No way in HELL would anyone but me be adding something to MY property! I am SUPER protective over my house and my yard space, that is MINE. Owning my home is my biggest personal achievement, next to raising my daughter.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> Haha, yep! No way in HELL would anyone but me be adding something to MY property! I am SUPER protective over my house and my yard space, that is MINE. Owning my home is my biggest personal achievement, next to raising my daughter.


It does seem as if there is something illegal about it........ or a prelude to squatting.

you need to do something about this NOW!


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## Sarah44 (Feb 13, 2018)

Thank you all for your inputs. I think I will slow down this relationship. I ensured what I felt. Yes it’s quick only one year to move in and I have kids they are my priorities. I am 47, bf is 52 no kid. neither of us wants more kid. I have a better paid job, his is more stable. I can afford myself and two kids, I am looking for a healthy relationship rather than rely on someone. So you are right, I am not hurry for anything of my clock.


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## hptessla (Jun 4, 2019)

NextTimeAround said:


> It does seem as if there is something illegal about it........ or a prelude to squatting.
> 
> you need to do something about this NOW!


Maybe it's a misunderstanding. Maybe he's building the shed as a place for himself to live!


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I guess I'm old. I'm not going to dump on people moving in with each other before marriage. I get it. But when you have kids, it's another ballgame entirely. 

If I were in your situation, I wouldn't let someone move in to my children's house on a trial basis. Either it would be a strong commitment (aka marriage or at least whatever the young people's equivalent is these days) or it wouldn't happen. There would be no paying rent or keeping alternate crash pads. If my "partner" wasn't already at the level of total commitment to me and my children, they wouldn't be living with me. Seems insensitive to your kids to compromise on something short of that.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

hptessla said:


> Maybe it's a misunderstanding. *Maybe he's building the shed as a place for himself to live!*


That IS squatting.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Sarah44 said:


> I asked some questions here a while ago, really helpful advise have got. Many thanks!
> Here I have question again:
> This boyfriend we have been together 11 months, we are getting along each other very well, a lot of hobbies can do together, both are enjoying the relationship until recently he is planning to move in my house. We discussed about the rent he is planning to pay me only half of the market price. The reason is he is going to keep his own townhouse vacant in the case we are not getting along he can move back, his financial will be tight to pay mortgage and rent. He suggested me to have another tenant living in basement then could cover the shortage of his rent. I have two young kids in my home, I don’t want to have many new people move in and move out which is really annoying to me and kids. Also he started to build his tool shed in my back yard. It’s only three months away from the date he is going to move in. I told him to stop invest any money on my home but he insists to do it.
> I told him it’s not a good idea, also I won’t to take him until he figure out his feeling really decided to be with me or not, also I asked engagement and marriage.
> ...


I have not dated for long but if a man started talking to me about engagement or marriage after 11 months together, I would probably stop seeing him because he is not a serious person. There is no way you can know someone enough to want to marry him in 11 months. You need a much longer time. Is why you have a lot of good questions but not yet answers. 

Give it more time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sarah44 said:


> I asked some questions here a while ago, really helpful advise have got. Many thanks!
> Here I have question again:
> This boyfriend we have been together 11 months, we are getting along each other very well, a lot of hobbies can do together, both are enjoying the relationship until recently he is planning to move in my house. We discussed about the rent he is planning to pay me only half of the market price. The reason is he is going to keep his own townhouse vacant in the case we are not getting along he can move back, his financial will be tight to pay mortgage and rent. He suggested me to have another tenant living in basement then could cover the shortage of his rent. I have two young kids in my home, I don’t want to have many new people move in and move out which is really annoying to me and kids. Also he started to build his tool shed in my back yard. It’s only three months away from the date he is going to move in. I told him to stop invest any money on my home but he insists to do it.
> I told him it’s not a good idea, also I won’t to take him until he figure out his feeling really decided to be with me or not, also I asked engagement and marriage.
> ...


Don't live together until you are married. If he is serious about you, and committed, then he will agree to get engaged and married first.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MaiChi said:


> I have not dated for long but if a man started talking to me about engagement or marriage after 11 months together, I would probably stop seeing him because he is not a serious person. There is no way you can know someone enough to want to marry him in 11 months. You need a much longer time. Is why you have a lot of good questions but not yet answers.
> 
> Give it more time.


 We were married after 9 months, and 14 years later have I have never regretted it for a second. I knew after a week that I wanted to marry him. If I was dating a man for a year and he hadn't even mentioned marriage, especially if he wanted to move in, I would know that he wasn't a serious person and not the man for me.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My husband and I moved in together after dating for 9 months, BUT before we did so we discussed everything we could think of - what living together looked like to both of us, what it meant for our relationship (stepping stone to engagement then marriage), I had dogs and cats - we discussed how they would fit in, where they would sleep, what was non negotiable for both of us and what we would compromise on, his daughter - how would it affect her, what role would I play in her life...we tried to plan for any potential teething problems.

When there's children involved, you can't just close your eyes and jump so to speak. You are their safe place, their security and this is their home. You shouldn't even consider living with ANY man, until you're as sure as you can be that it's going to be a long term committment. Keeping other homes "in case it doesn't work" doesn't sound too stable.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Sarah44 said:


> Thank you all for your inputs. I think I will slow down this relationship. I ensured what I felt. Yes it’s quick only one year to move in and I have kids they are my priorities. I am 47, bf is 52 no kid. neither of us wants more kid. I have a better paid job, his is more stable. I can afford myself and two kids, I am looking for a healthy relationship rather than rely on someone. So you are right, I am not hurry for anything of my clock.


Everyone has made good points. But even if he wasn't building a shed you asked him not to, suggesting you get a basement tenant, and keeping his own escape hatch open by keeping HIS place available to him, here is a big problem with living together in general:

It sounds like *your *long term goal is marriage. Dating is your chance to find "the one." Once you are living under the same roof with a man, you are with THAT man. He gets the regular sex and home cooked meals and companionship and all the other things men usually want and need. But YOU do not get the commitment you want and need or the ability to really plan a future with someone, yet he is right there every day so it's not like you can shop around. You're in your late 40's but you're frozen in time, not making any progress with your life goals. The man has no motivation to marry you because he's already perfectly happy. You are committed with out a commitment.

I find it a little odd that he is wanting to move in with you but also wanting to keep his place empty so he can get away any time he wants.

Also, why is he suggesting you get a basement tenant if you are already able to support yourself and your children as is? 

Finally, all other reasons aside I think this should be a "slow down!" because of your children. You haven't been together long enough to really know it will work out. It is not fair to your children to bring this man into their daily lives when he may walk at any moment. And you should probably know him longer and better before having him in your home with children.

I think telling him you want to slow down and not live together yet and giving him the reasons cited in this thread will also be a really good test of his temperament, maturity, and true feelings for you. Will he say "Oh, yeah, that makes sense. I want you to be comfortable, I hadn't thought of it from the children perspective." Or will he get mad and leave you now? Or be a bully and try to talk you into something you are not ready for "Well, I already started building a shed..." etc.

Also Also, you want a man who is a partner and looks out for your best interests too. His attitude toward the rent seems off to me. If he is literally going to be LIVING with you, then he should pay market value rent. The fact that he wants to keep a second place *that is his alone* is irrelevant to what he should pay for where he is *living*. 

Good luck!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

To be safe, you should also check to see what tenant laws protect him so that you can protect yourself. when I lived in the UK, I learned that foreverytime someone paid into the mortgage, they just bought another slice of equity in my home. I also learned that a "romantic partner" has more rights than a "lodger", ie someone you're not having sex with / romantic relationship, etc. You may want to consider having him sign a contract before moving in.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

FalCod said:


> I wouldn't let someone move in to my children's house on a trial basis. Either it would be a strong commitment (aka marriage or at least whatever the young people's equivalent is these days) or it wouldn't happen.


Agreed. 

He also is shooting off a BUNCH of red flags. You know what that means, right? Controlling or abusive or narcissistic, at the least. And NONE of that is good for your kids to witness. Tell him nobody is moving in until your kids are moved out. What he does next will be a good test of his caliber.

I also would ask you to question yourself. If you say no to something and he does it anyway, it's time to take a good hard look at your relationship. In one post you mentioned SEVERAL instances where you say you want one thing and he just runs roughshod over all your wants and concerns and does what he wants anyway. Makes me lean toward at least controlling if not abusive. I'm going to post a list; see if it rings a bell:

_Humiliation, negating, criticizing
_These tactics are meant to undermine your self-esteem. The abuse is harsh and unrelenting in matters big and small.

Here are some examples:
Name-calling. They’ll blatantly call you “stupid,” “a loser,” or words too awful to repeat here.
Derogatory “pet names.” This is just more name-calling in not-so-subtle disguise. “My little knuckle dragger” or “My chubby pumpkin” aren’t terms of endearment.
Character assassination. This usually involves the word “always.” You’re always late, wrong, screwing up, disagreeable, and so on. Basically, they say you’re not a good person.
Yelling. Yelling, screaming, and swearing are meant to intimidate and make you feel small and inconsequential. It might be accompanied by fist-pounding or throwing things.
Patronizing. “Aw, sweetie, I know you try, but this is just beyond your understanding.”
Public embarrassment. They pick fights, expose your secrets, or make fun of your shortcomings in public.
Dismissiveness. You tell them about something that’s important to you and they say it’s nothing. Body language like eye-rolling, smirking, headshaking, and sighing help convey the same message.
“Joking.” The jokes might have a grain of truth to them or be a complete fabrication. Either way, they make you look foolish.
Sarcasm. Often just a dig in disguise. When you object, they claim to have been teasing and tell you to stop taking everything so seriously.
Insults of your appearance. They tell you, just before you go out, that your hair is ugly or your outfit is clownish.
Belittling your accomplishments. Your abuser might tell you that your achievements mean nothing, or they may even claim responsibility for your success.
Put-downs of your interests. They might tell you that your hobby is a childish waste of time or you’re out of your league when you play sports. Really, it’s that they’d rather you not participate in activities without them.
Pushing your buttons. Once your abuser knows about something that annoys you, they’ll bring it up or do it every chance they get.

_Control and shame
_Trying to make you feel ashamed of your inadequacies is just another path to power.

Tools of the shame and control game include:
Threats. Telling you they’ll take the kids and disappear, or saying “There’s no telling what I might do.”
Monitoring your whereabouts. They want to know where you are all the time and insist that you respond to calls or texts immediately. They might show up just to see if you’re where you’re supposed to be.
Digital spying. They might check your internet history, emails, texts, and call log. They might even demand your passwords.
Unilateral decision-making. They might close a joint bank account, cancel your doctor’s appointment, or speak with your boss without asking.
Financial control. They might keep bank accounts in their name only and make you ask for money. You might be expected to account for every penny you spend.
Lecturing. Belaboring your errors with long monologues makes it clear they think you’re beneath them.
Direct orders. From “Get my dinner on the table now” to “Stop taking the pill,” orders are expected to be followed despite your plans to the contrary.
Outbursts. You were told to cancel that outing with your friend or put the car in the garage, but didn’t, so now you have to put up with a red-faced tirade about how uncooperative you are.
Treating you like a child. They tell you what to wear, what and how much to eat, or which friends you can see.
Feigned helplessness. They may say they don’t know how to do something. Sometimes it’s easier to do it yourself than to explain it. They know this and take advantage of it.
Unpredictability. They’ll explode with rage out of nowhere, suddenly shower you with affection, or become dark and moody at the drop of a hat to keep you walking on eggshells.
They walk out. In a social situation, stomping out of the room leaves you holding the bag. At home, it’s a tool to keep the problem unresolved.
Using others. Abusers may tell you that “everybody” thinks you’re crazy or “they all say” you’re wrong.

_Accusing, blaming, and denial
_This behavior comes from an abuser’s insecurities. They want to create a hierarchy in which they’re at the top and you’re at the bottom.

Here are some examples:
Jealousy. They accuse you of flirting or cheating on them.
Turning the tables. They say you cause their rage and control issues by being such a pain.
Denying something you know is true. An abuser will deny that an argument or even an agreement took place. This is called gaslighting. It’s meant to make you question your own memory and sanity.
Using guilt. They might say something like, “You owe me this. Look at all I’ve done for you,” in an attempt to get their way.
Goading then blaming. Abusers know just how to upset you. But once the trouble starts, it’s your fault for creating it.
Denying their abuse. When you complain about their attacks, abusers will deny it, seemingly bewildered at the very thought of it.
Accusing you of abuse. They say you’re the one who has anger and control issues and they’re the helpless victim.
Trivializing. When you want to talk about your hurt feelings, they accuse you of overreacting and making mountains out of molehills.
Saying you have no sense of humor. Abusers make personal jokes about you. If you object, they’ll tell you to lighten up.
Blaming you for their problems. Whatever’s wrong in their life is all your fault. You’re not supportive enough, didn’t do enough, or stuck your nose where it didn’t belong.
Destroying and denying. They might crack your cell phone screen or “lose” your car keys, then deny it.

_Emotional neglect and isolation
_Abusers tend to place their own emotional needs ahead of yours. Many abusers will try to come between you and people who are supportive of you to make you more dependent on them.

They do this by:
Demanding respect. No perceived slight will go unpunished, and you’re expected to defer to them. But it’s a one-way street.
Shutting down communication. They’ll ignore your attempts at conversation in person, by text, or by phone.
Dehumanizing you. They’ll look away when you’re talking or stare at something else when they speak to you.
Keeping you from socializing. Whenever you have plans to go out, they come up with a distraction or beg you not to go.
Trying to come between you and your family. They’ll tell family members that you don’t want to see them or make excuses why you can’t attend family functions.
Withholding affection. They won’t touch you, not even to hold your hand or pat you on the shoulder. They may refuse sexual relations to punish you or to get you to do something.
Tuning you out. They’ll wave you off, change the subject, or just plain ignore you when you want to talk about your relationship.
Actively working to turn others against you. They’ll tell co-workers, friends, and even your family that you’re unstable and prone to hysterics.
Calling you needy. When you’re really down and out and reach out for support, they’ll tell you you’re too needy or the world can’t stop turning for your little problems.
Interrupting. You’re on the phone or texting and they get in your face to let you know your attention should be on them.
Indifference. They see you hurt or crying and do nothing.
Disputing your feelings. Whatever you feel, they’ll say you’re wrong to feel that way or that’s not really what you feel at all.

_Codependence
_A codependent relationship is when everything you do is in reaction to your abuser’s behavior. And they need you just as much to boost their own self-esteem. You’ve forgotten how to be any other way. It’s a vicious circle of unhealthy behavior.

You might be codependent if you:
are unhappy in the relationship, but fear alternatives
consistently neglect your own needs for the sake of theirs
ditch friends and sideline your family to please your partner
frequently seek out your partner’s approval
critique yourself through your abuser’s eyes, ignoring your own instincts
make a lot of sacrifices to please the other person, but it’s not reciprocated
would rather live in the current state of chaos than be alone
bite your tongue and repress your feelings to keep the peace
feel responsible and take the blame for something they did
defend your abuser when others point out what’s happening
try to “rescue” them from themselves
feel guilty when you stand up for yourself
think you deserve this treatment
believe that nobody else could ever want to be with you
change your behavior in response to guilt; your abuser says, “I can’t live without you,” so you stay


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Who builds a shed without permission?
Who tells a single mom how to rent their property?
Who is in a relationship and keeps a bachelor/escape pad?
Who tells a landlord what they will pay for their personal benefit?
Who tells their partner "just in case, I am not making sacrifices?"
Who doesn't make a commitment, but sets a timeline to move in?
Who tells a single mom to move in some random person around her kids?



I am not there for context, but you just described someone who sounds controlling. 

If you were just single I'd say be very careful no, with kids......HELL NO.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Sarah44 said:


> Thank you all for your inputs. I think I will slow down this relationship. I ensured what I felt. Yes it’s quick only one year to move in and I have kids they are my priorities. I am 47, bf is 52 no kid. neither of us wants more kid. I have a better paid job, his is more stable. I can afford myself and two kids, I am looking for a healthy relationship rather than rely on someone. So you are right, I am not hurry for anything of my clock.


Glad to hear you are going to slow down this relationship.
He seems to be in a bigger hurry to move in than you.
As someone posted earlier, once he is in he is in. Harder 
to get him out then. You have kids, a house, and a better 
job. How sure are you about his stability? Him wanting to
leave his townhouse empty, with a mortgage to pay does
not add up. He then wants you to rent out your basement 
for extra income also. 

He may be just talking a good game upfront and then 
when he feels he is safe and in your life you find out 
differently. Then you may be faced with supporting him
and your kids. 

Proceed with caution, some thing he is doing do not 
add up.

Take care


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