# My Husband is Delaying our Church Wedding



## pretzelpops

We've been living together for the past 7 years and have a 4 year old son. We had a civil wedding last year and we agreed that we will have it ratified in the church last December or early this year. Suddenly all the plans were changed, he kept on delaying the date and now he is telling me that we'll have it on December this year because he is not ready. How sure am I that he's not gonna think of other excuses to delay it more? I only want a simple church wedding and sometimes I don't understand his reasons. We are both Catholics but I go to church more often (I am more devout) and the changed plans and this situation of not being able to marry in the church is upsetting me.


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## Pooh Bear

pretzelpops said:


> We've been living together for the past 7 years and have a 4 year old son. We had a civil wedding last year and we agreed that we will have it ratified in the church last December or early this year. Suddenly all the plans were changed, he kept on delaying the date and now he is telling me that we'll have it on December this year because he is not ready. How sure am I that he's not gonna think of other excuses to delay it more? I only want a simple church wedding and sometimes I don't understand his reasons. We are both Catholics but I go to church more often (I am more devout) and the changed plans and this situation of not being able to marry in the church is upsetting me.


I'm sorry. That's not right.


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## mrsc2012

Not ready for the ceremony? I mean you guys are already married. That's a cruddy excuse. Is it a financial issue maybe?


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## PBear

Why does he say hes "not ready"?

C


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## Jetoroal

Church weddings don't have to be expensive. Doesn't sound like a good reason to delay any further.. Best of luck OP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish

Not to throw a wrench in this, but have you made sure the church is willing to do your church wedding?

If he isn't a regular attender, they might oversee that without you going in for pre-marriage classes and such.


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## pretzelpops

@starfish We are sure that the church is willing because it is not that strict here in the country where I am in. We have different parishes and all he has to do is get a letter from the parish where he was baptized then go through a few pre cana seminars which we will do together.

Financially, we are okay. We already have a budget set for the wedding. Can you imagine all the planning I have gone through only to find out that he doesn't want it yet? I even got all the necessary documents now it's all gonna be expired! We only had a civil wedding upon the advise of our attorney so that we can file a Prenuptial agreement because my mother wished for that and I honored her request.

I think he has an issue because he is a SAHD. But I don't really understand how it is related to getting married in the church. I believe that we have postponed it enough already and it is supposed to be a priority at this point.

I already talked to him about this and told him how badly I want to get married in the church. He only told me that I am thinking about myself. I'm at a lost.


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## Starstarfish

> We only had a civil wedding upon the advise of our attorney so that we can file a Prenuptial agreement because my mother wished for that and I honored her request.


What did your mother have to do with this? Do you come from money and are set to get a large inheritance?

Otherwise, your husband might resent your mother's influence in this area, as it might make him question who the marriage (and thus the elaborate wedding) is really for. 

What sort of documents do you need that will be expired? You don't need to submit another marriage certificate - you are already legally married.



> I think he has an issue because he is a SAHD.


Does he want to be a SAHD? Was that a role he was excited to embrace, or was he laid off/couldn't find a job and that's simply the role he ended up with?


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## norajane

None of this is making any sense. You are already legally married so whether there is a church ceremony or not, you're married. The church wedding is a religious ceremony, not a legally binding one, so what reason could he have to delay unless he is considering leaving you?

What reasons does he give for delaying a church ceremony?


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## PBear

Asking again... What reasons does he give for delaying?

Although to be honest, I'm not sure what all the fuss is about... You were living together for 7 years before getting civilly married anyway, and had a child out of wedlock. Getting a religious wedding now seems kind of... Pointless, I guess? But I'm not religious, so I guess that's not something I would necessarily appreciate.

C


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## pretzelpops

@starfish yes, my mother was concerned about my inheritance because the law in my country automatically divides everything 50/50 upon marriage. Including properties acquired before marriage and future inheritance. The church doesn't like the idea of a prenuptial agreement.

I am concerned about the church documents which expire in 6 months. I got them ahead because we had a clear plan of getting married in church early this year then he is suddenly backing out.

He is a SAHD because he did not renew his contract with his former company. He thought he would try to find a new job because I used to be working from home and I can take care of the kid while he is away. But I got an offer I couldn't refuse before him finding a new job. So now I am working full time away from home and he has to take care of the kid. 

The issue is that my conscience is killing me. It is not enough to be civilly married in the Catholic church. Yes I had a child out of wedlock and maybe it wasn't right but now I want to correct my ways and live by the doctrine of my church. I've been feeling guilty for the past few years. Another thing is that, my husband cannot keep a word. I was very hopeful but now he is backing out. It makes me sad.


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## EleGirl

You lived with him for 7 years. Now your conscience is killing you?

None of this makes any sense. 

Have you asked him his reasons for wanting to wait another year?


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## IWantGreatMarriage

I understand where the OP is coming from, and yes, it's possible to wish to get married in church and live right. She doesn't have to continue "living in sin" (as she believes she has been doing) just because she has been doing it for 7 years.
To explain this, we were told a story as children:
2 children (A and B) were playing and picked apples to eat. They both started eating it and when they realised that it was a forbidden fruit, A said since he has started, he might as well finish it.B stopped eating it immediately.
When the bad angel came to kill people that ate the fruits, he struck them with illness. The angel was appeased by the people but for B, the angel left him alone. For A, the angel said since he has started killing him, he might as well finish.


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## PBear

IWantGreatMarriage said:


> I understand where the OP is coming from, and yes, it's possible to wish to get married in church and live right. She doesn't have to continue "living in sin" (as she believes she has been doing) just because she has been doing it for 7 years.
> To explain this, we were told a story as children:
> 2 children (A and B) were playing and picked apples to eat. They both started eating it and when they realised that it was a forbidden fruit, A said since he has started, he might as well finish it.B stopped eating it immediately.
> When the bad angel came to kill people that ate the fruits, he struck them with illness. The angel was appeased by the people but for B, the angel left him alone. For A, the angel said since he has started killing him, he might as well finish.


This is why I don't eat salads. Angels never killed nobody for chewing down on a nice medium rare tenderloin steak...

C


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## woundedwarrior

I can understand why she would want a church wedding. I was married Catholic to my ex wife in my church, she cheated 8 years later, we divorced and since I didn't get an annulment I was never allowed to receive communion again, I was an outcast. Of course, after a few months, I started again anyway, only a few people knew my situation and I don't think God held it against me, it wasn't my fault + she divorced me as well.
When I met my wife now, we were married by my Dad, who was a judge. I didn't believe in the whole annulment process, give us money and we'll erase your marriage.
After being married for 4 years, guilt finally took over and I spent the 300.00, filled out the 50 page questionnaire, detailing the whole marriage, with condensed versions going to family and friends. After all of this, the church decides if you qualify or not? I did get it, mostly because we were different religions and not because of cheating, go figure?
My wife and I remarried again in the church and it did feel more right, even though we both believed that God wasn't holding this against us.
I can't figure out why he doesn't want this either, it is only a ceremony for peace of mind? strange??


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## Mr. Nail

The less devout partner is often uncomfortable with church things. Just going to the church can be a challenge. I don't see this as an excuse but rather as a concern. Whether his unemployment or his lack of faith is the bigger factor, the solution is probably a talk with the clergy.
MN


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## Anonymous07

I understand why you want to get married in the church, but you have yet to answer a fundamental question. What exactly did he say when you asked him why he wants to postpone the church wedding?


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## richardsharpe

Good evenign pretzelpops
Is it possible that the financial issue IS the key? Maybe that while you *can* afford it, he doesn't believe that you can do so without some hardship. Is it possible for you to have a religious ceremony without any significant expense? A ceremony that would be acceptable in the eyes of god and the church, but which does not involve any sort of fancy (expensive) social gathering? 



pretzelpops said:


> snip
> 
> Financially, we are okay. We already have a budget set for the wedding. Can you imagine all the planning I have gone through only to find out that he doesn't want it yet? I even got all the necessary documents now it's all gonna be expired! We only had a civil wedding upon the advise of our attorney so that we can file a Prenuptial agreement because my mother wished for that and I honored her request.
> 
> snip.


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## pretzelpops

richardsharpe, that's exactly the plan. I thought that he would be uncomfortable with a "fancy" party, and this plan is already long overdue so we won't be inviting a lot. I am aware that the church ceremony is more important than the reception.


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## pretzelpops

Anonymous07 said:


> I understand why you want to get married in the church, but you have yet to answer a fundamental question. What exactly did he say when you asked him why he wants to postpone the church wedding?


He actually had a very vague answer. He said "I know it is about you but how about me?" I don't actually understand what that meant.


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## hehasmyheart

It's not important to him, or something he thinks is a priority.

Why did you not have a church wedding the first time?

He probably has told you the reasons he doesn't want to (or wants to delay it) but you might not be really listening to him because your heart is set on the wedding.

Maybe he just really doesn't want to have anything formal, thinking people won't be excited to be there because you're technically already married after living together so long.

From my personal standpoint, I wouldn't want to be in front of a crowd (even of friends and family), and a lot of people don't like to be the center of attention like that.

It could be that he feels like he hasn't been dedicated to the church, so doesn't feel entitled to a church wedding.

Another possibility is that he thinks it's a waste of money, or the money could be better spent on other things.

Has he said any of these things? Maybe he doesn't want to let you down, but really just doesn't want the church wedding.

Can the two of you come to a compromise on it? Ask him what his biggest concern is with it, and try to work together on compromising to where you both could be happy. For instance, if his biggest concern is about the expense, trim the expense more.

For you, is it only about feeling like you're married in God's eyes, or about the wedding itself?


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## Mr. Nail

pretzelpops said:


> He actually had a very vague answer. He said "I know it is about you but* how about me*?" I don't actually understand what that meant.


This! you do need to understand. So I'll try to explain it. We have this tradition that the wedding is the brides special day. The big dress the friends and family the whole production to make her feel special. If the groom shows up mostly sober he is at best a prop for the bride. This is so wrong. The wedding is the formation of a family. It is the creation of something new and special and important. He is a vital part of that new entity and we treat him like an accessory. You want him on board with this you need to make him as big of a part of it as you are.

Otherwise just tell him to show up and sign the paper and say the words.

MN


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## daisybush

I think if he is delaying for marriage then i think their sure shot some problem in him mind , you must ask him directly and dnt trust too much on him. life is very small go ahead with truth and acceptance.


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