# Rough patch this weekend



## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

I've just been hanging around and reading other people's threads for awhile... here's what's been happening...

We are trying to reconcile. He's been staying at my apartment every night for the past few weeks. I minimized talking to a couple of guys that expressed interested in me we were separated and that he said he was uncomfortable with. I work with both of them, so I can't cut it off completely, but both are aware that I am attempting to reconcile with my H and are supportive of that.

I've unlocked my phone, put my work e-mail back on my phone.. leave it on a counter, completely unattended so he can access it and look through what I'm doing at any time.

I don't get on FB very much, it's pretty minimal.

I recently discovered that he had reactivated his FB account and immediately added back a bunch of women that I don't know that he had deleted when he wanted to get rid of anyone I might find as a threat.

When I asked him about it and told him that FB was a huge trigger for me, he gave me his pw and told me he should have just come out and told me that he opened it up and he "couldn't remember" who he added back on, but that I was welcome to go and delete any of the people I wasn't comfortable with. That really bugged me. Then I found out that he was chatting with some random woman on Words with Friends, asking where she lived and told her that he travels there on business, then told her that he was a porn star... WTF? He said he could see how that would seem inappropriate and I said I didn't understand why he couldn't just not bring up sexual topics when talking to other women.

I put his e-mail so that I get it on my phone now and set up his FB account to send notifications when he gets "poked" or gets a message so that I know what's going on with all these female "friends" who I don't know.

He goes out of town for a week on business.

He gets "poked" by a woman who has a history of dating recently divorced or separated men where he works. He claims that she is dating his boss at the moment (who is just divorced). I ask him why she might be poking him - I view "poking" by a single woman to a man as flirtatious. Same when he pokes a woman. He got upset that I was asking him why she might have done that. Then Sunday, while I'm at work, goes through his e-mail and deletes other poking notifications from some other girl that I don't know.

I get upset. He claims he did it because he is "tired of the drama". 

I'm very sick of the drama. I'm tired of wondering if my H has had a relationship of some sort with the 100s of women on his FB. I'm tired of wondering if some of the women on his FB are women he met on his business trips and if he's hooking up with them. 

But it's been 3 months since I discovered his affair and less than that since I found all the other random women he'd been having sexual conversations with. He wants a concrete list of things for him to do so that I won't have any questions about these things. I don't have a concrete list... I can't help what pops into my head.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Lovebug501 said:


> He wants a concrete list of things for him to do so that I won't have any questions about these things. I don't have a concrete list... I can't help what pops into my head.


Tell him he can have a list,but it's not a final end of discussion list. You will add onto it if you need to.

He's back pushing boundaries. He needs to end using FB completely. It's not an ok place for him.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

List to wayward husband:

1. delete your facebook account and never visit facebook again.
2. anything else I think of in the future that will make me more comfortable.

List subject to change at faithful wife's discretion without prior notice.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

I've been telling him what I makes me uncomfortable and what I would like him to do about specific people or things as they happen... but at some point, shouldn't he say - hey, I don't really know this woman, she's single, and she obviously isn't a true friend since my wife doesn't know her... and unfriending her wouldn't make the world drop from its axis.. I think I'm going to do that....

I don't think a big spectacle needs to be made of it... just delete all those women that I don't know and that aren't a part of our circle of friends. If any of them feel the need to question what happened, simply explain that it's nothing personal, but your FB is for your closest friends and family... why does anyone else need to see pictures of your kids and keep up with what you are doing and where you are on an hour by hour basis?

I understand the ones from HS, I've got men that I went to HS with on my FB, but I don't communicate with them. I really don't even know why I have them on there... other than curiosity as to how people have turned out after 15 years.

What I don't understand is those women who I can't figure out how he knows them, and whose names or faces I don't recognize.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Lovebug501 said:


> What I don't understand is those women who I can't figure out how he knows them, and whose names or faces I don't recognize.


Stop this! He's got you being the one back on the defensive - the one having to prove something is wrong, instead of him listening to and respecting your feelings and guy.

He's pushed the dynamic back to you being the crazy suspicious one.

Is he actually trying to fix this relationship or return to the good old times ?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Shaggy is giving you good advice. It's not your problem to understand - it's his to make you feel comfortable. The dude needs to get off facebook all together - like Shaggy said - clearly it's not an ok place for him.

Honestly the way your describing his actions make it sounds like he's trying to go right back to what he was up to and gas light you about it. Reconciliation? I think not based on this thread.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

He claims he wants to fix it.

We have MC again tonight. There has been a 2 week gap between sessions b/c of his business trip and Thanksgiving. There are a few things that I want to address tonight. This being one of those things. 

I'm just back to feeling like I am just in the marriage to be married and have a father for my children because they love him so much... but do I love him?

There's so many other things besides his attention-wh*re tendencies. I feel like if all h*ll broke loose in the world, I'd be the one sorting through the ashes, pulling everything back together... while he sat back and watched me "take care of it".

I'm just back to what do I get out of this relationship??


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

I'm so sorry that your dealing with this. He's lucky you didn't file after his affair. Please don't let him treat you like this. If I were in your situation I would tell him you don't trust him to be honest about his Facebook activities and he needs to let you delete his facebook (change the password before you do it so he can't reactivate it) or you cant be in the marriage for your own sanity!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

ishe? - I did file. The day I found out. I filed and moved out a month later. But you are right. He is lucky that I agreed to go to MC and see if our marriage could be saved.

I believe that if I ask him to delete his FB, he will. I just don't feel like I should have to ask. He knows that it's an issue for me. He knows that FB is where he conversed, flirted, and picked up some of the women. 

So why doesn't he take that step on his own? Why do I have to ask? To me, it's like eating. If you don't eat, you will die. I don't have to tell you to eat. You know when you need to eat. So you eat.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

I know that my H is on these forums and I'm pretty sure he's reading my posts... 

Our Monday night MC was cancelled b/c of weather. So I haven't spoken with H about my FB issues except to turn back on the notifications and tell him that if he turned them off again or deleted any of the notifications, I would view that as hiding and I would be done. I would proceed with the divorce.

Last night, he tells me that his IC suggested that we both just get rid of FB entirely. He wanted to get my opinion on him deactivating his. I told him that I was just fine with him deactivating his FB and that was actually something I wanted - or at the very least to cut his friends list down to only family and OUR close friends.

Sad that he couldn't see that for himself and the "IC" had to recommend it...


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