# Fiancé living at EX now and then



## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

Here is my issue I need some advice on

Me and my fiancé is currently living in a long distance relationship and we plan on moving in together as soon as possible somewhere around where he lives right now. 
When I first got to know him he was still living at his Ex and two kids (she has full custody) but he wanted to get out of there as soon as he could because they two really not get along and wanted to move on with his own life (she had a boyfriend that lives far away, still together) and he couldn't afford a place on his own. I'm not really sure how long they had the relationship ended for but I think for almost a year at that time. He later found someone to live at (a random old lady that had a spare room for him to rent)
His problem right now though is that after he lost his job he had to move out from the old lady so he's currently living with friends and family to stay away from sleeping on the streets and his only option ATM is to go back to her place and stay there to have roof over his head and a warm sofa. And to be close to the kids he rarely been seeing because of her. She offered him to stay at hers now and then and wants them to be able to be friends.

He told me he really only wanted to stay there as an absolute last option and that it would take a lot of trust from my side. I do trust him he's not close to her at all (I've heard and seen a lot, she's really a pain in his life) but it still feels... awkward for me for him to stay there. He also told me he won't be there during the days when she's there and encourage her to go see her boyfriend or friends, so he can be there alone with the kids. 

What do you guys think of this? I've told him I just have to be okay with this, because I do NOT want him out on the streets. He can stay at his mothers now and then and maybe a friend a couple of days sometimes as well. Last time I spoke with his EX she told me that she will always love him and wants them to be best friends as she needs a lot of support atm which she don't get from her boyfriend, but as far as I know he's not helping her at all and just stays there for the sake of being indoors. She is really jealous of him and me being together and have clearly not let him go yet.

Isn't this confusing for the kids to see mum and dad "living" together again and the feeling that disgust me is that she is probably really happy to have him around more again.. :scratchhead:

Advice!


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

I've been in a similar situation, but without kids involved. My partner stayed with his ex-friend with benefits for a while, during the long distance part of our relationship. They even ended up staying in the same bed, still they both claim nothing happened ^^. She was still interested in him, he not in her.

This was 3 years ago. Still it's a factor in our relationship, as I feel he didn't respect our relationship with his behaviour. Luckily he now realises it was hurtfull and underminding the trust between us.

It seems the ex of your fiance wants more out of this then him, at the least his support that her BF doesn't give? What more isn't right between her and her BF, she wants to find with your fiance? 

Fiance has a place to stay now, with family and friends. He has no job atm, can't he move to your place and find one there, build a life together? 

Would he rather be staying with her than at family? I understand he wants tomsee his kids, but staying with his ex, is in my eyes disrespectful for you.

Hope his loyalty is with you, take care of yourself with respect and don't take anything that hurts you and the trust.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Longdistancegirl said:


> Here is my issue I need some advice on
> 
> Me and my fiancé is currently living in a long distance relationship and we plan on moving in together as soon as possible somewhere around where he lives right now.
> When I first got to know him he was still living at his Ex and two kids (she has full custody) but he wanted to get out of there as soon as he could because they two really not get along and wanted to move on with his own life (she had a boyfriend that lives far away, still together) and he couldn't afford a place on his own. I'm not really sure how long they had the relationship ended for but I think for almost a year at that time. He later found someone to live at (a random old lady that had a spare room for him to rent)
> ...


Find a guy with a job and who is not manipulating you. You can do better.

No you should not be ok with this.

At the very least let him go until he can get his life together. Do not marry this guy.


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

catfan said:


> I've been in a similar situation, but without kids involved. My partner stayed with his ex-friend with benefits for a while, during the long distance part of our relationship. They even ended up staying in the same bed, still they both claim nothing happened ^^. She was still interested in him, he not in her.
> 
> This was 3 years ago. Still it's a factor in our relationship, as I feel he didn't respect our relationship with his behaviour. Luckily he now realises it was hurtfull and underminding the trust between us.
> 
> ...


We live in different countries so it's not that easy. He will go to his mums this weekend and after that I'm not sure where he will go. He will although move to me for 90 days and work over here as soon as he can, but it's going to be hard for him being away from his kids too.

He sees staying at hers an opportunity to get warm, food and stay healthy rather than staying outside with no food or drink, heat, wind and rain and no possibility to charge his phone.
I think its selfish of me to ask him to not stay there just because I can't deal with the fact they are under the same roof...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If I could stand to live with her, I wouldn't have divorced her. I'd live in a cardboard box or in my car before I'd move in with my ex. Regardless of what I might tell a fiance', if my body was sleeping at my ex's after the divorce, I'd either be knocking boots with her or intending to. 
Here's what you know. He was living with her when he "met" you. He still is. You're far away and the only information you really have is whatever he tells you. I smell a player.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Longdistancegirl said:


> When I first got to know him he was still living at his Ex and two kids (she has full custody) but he wanted to get out of there as soon as he could because they two really not get along and wanted to move on with his own life (she had a boyfriend that lives far away, still together) and he couldn't afford a place on his own. I'm not really sure how long they had the relationship ended for but I think for almost a year at that time. He later found someone to live at (a random old lady that had a spare room for him to rent)
> His problem right now though is that after he lost his job he had to move out from the old lady so he's currently living with friends and family to stay away from sleeping on the streets and his only option ATM is to go back to her place and stay there to have roof over his head and a warm sofa. And to be close to the kids he rarely been seeing because of her. She offered him to stay at hers now and then and wants them to be able to be friends.



First of all, everything you mention about this guy would have been totally unattractive to me. I would not want to even begin dating anyone w/ all this stuff surrounding him.

This situation would not work for me. At all.


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> If I could stand to live with her, I wouldn't have divorced her. I'd live in a cardboard box or in my car before I'd move in with my ex. Regardless of what I might tell a fiance', if my body was sleeping at my ex's after the divorce, I'd either be knocking boots with her or intending to.
> Here's what you know. He was living with her when he "met" you. He still is. You're far away and the only information you really have is whatever he tells you. I smell a player.


I was living with my ex too after we broke up for a couple of months because I had no else where to stay. I slept on the sofa and didn't even want to look at him. I spent my days outside seeing friends when I could. That's what he was doing as well after they two broke up and honestly if my ex was my last option to stay at from staying on the streets I might had done it, but with no intentions whatsoever to be close to him. And hopefully it would just be a few days until I found something else way more better option. 
I trust him, and I know he's sleeping at the sofa. He hasn't stayed at hers for a long time, not once during our relationship and last night was the first night now. This will be until friday.


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> First of all, everything you mention about this guy would have been totally unattractive to me. I would not want to even begin dating anyone w/ all this stuff surrounding him.
> 
> This situation would not work for me. At all.


Well for me it doesn't really matter what his life story is, I love him for who he is and how great we work together


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Longdistancegirl said:


> Well for me it doesn't really matter what his life story is, I love him for who he is and how great we work together


Fair enough. You asked though what we thought about this and my thoughts are that there is no way in heck this would work for me.

But it's your relationship and if you are fine with him staying and living with his ex while you are in a long-distance relationship and have no problems with it, then go for it. My feelings are though, that when someone does not at all want to be in a situation (i.e. living with their ex, getting a job to support themselves), they will find a way.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

If his unemployment and living arrangements are all so fine and wonderful in light of your deep and lasting long distance love affair, then why do you need to post on an internet forum to get other opinions?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Regardless of what I might tell a fiance', if my body was sleeping at my ex's after the divorce, I'd either be knocking boots with her or intending to.
> 
> Here's what you know. He was living with her when he "met" you. He still is. You're far away and the only information you really have is whatever he tells you. I smell a player.


:iagree:


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

COGypsy said:


> If his unemployment and living arrangements are all so fine and wonderful in light of your deep and lasting long distance love affair, then why do you need to post on an internet forum to get other opinions?


I wanted to see if there would be anyone here okay with it or not, and my question was if its not weird for kids to see mum and dad living together again, even tho dad has a new GFand mum a newBF? both long distance


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Most people would not be ok with this arrangement, for obvious reasons.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And now that everyone has chimed in saying it wouldn't be ok with them, what are you going to do about it?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PBear said:


> And now that everyone has chimed in saying it wouldn't be ok with them, what are you going to do about it?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Stop talking all that sense, PBear!

I will put it to you this way: I had an ex with who we had this stay over- with-eachother-sometimes arrangement and we bagged every time. I'm just saying.

Shoot. I still have an ex that tries to get at me. And we ended a million years ago. The chemistry is still there even if the relationship faded long ago.

Old habits........


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

I'm not sure, I told him that it's hard for me to deal with him and ex under same roof and he left right away to blame me for sleeping outside without food or drink. :/


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh great. So not only is he homeless, unemployed, having unhealthy living arrangements with ex and not divorced, he also gets mad at you when you state you aren't agreement with something he does (that most people wouldn't be ok with) and tries to blame his awful situation on you. 

Sounds like a real winner 

Manipulation is for the birds.


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh great. So not only is he homeless, unemployed, having unhealthy living arrangements with ex and not divorced, he also gets mad at you when you state you aren't agreement with something he does (that most people wouldn't be ok with) and tries to blame his awful situation on you.
> 
> Sounds like a real winner
> 
> Manipulation is for the birds.


Well.. tbh, I think i'd rather have him there than outside :/ I'm the one kicking him out from a place to sleep at because I can't deal with it. They were never married btw. He don't want contact with her but had to, to be able to see the kids.

Is it really manipulating? This is new to me


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, were they actually married? And why don't you know how long they've been "separated"?

I also think his way of handling you expressing your emotions is another red flag. In case you were keeping track of them...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It sounds like your mind is made up and you just want people to say that they'd be fine with the situation because it helps him have a roof over his head. 

He doesnt want contact with her which is why he's going to live with her? Uh huh. 

When most men are done, that's it. Game over. He sounds very immature. No job, no home, no income, no real desire to change that situation.

It sounds like you want to believe he is something/someone he isn't. If that works for you, cool.

You mentioned living in different countries. How'd you meet? How long dealing with eachother?


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

PBear said:


> Btw, were they actually married? And why don't you know how long they've been "separated"?
> 
> I also think his way of handling you expressing your emotions is another red flag. In case you were keeping track of them...
> 
> ...


No they weren't married. Not even engaged. They were separated for about a year before I met him, he can't tell me exactly as it kinda broke down for each day until there wasn't any interest left. At least from his side, I don't know her story.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So, separated for a year and he still hasn't found a place to live yet...


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> It sounds like your mind is made up and you just want people to say that they'd be fine with the situation because it helps him have a roof over his head.
> 
> He doesnt want contact with her which is why he's going to live with her? Uh huh.
> 
> ...


Ye he doesn't want to be even friends. But he's saying he has no other option if he wants food and roof and warmth atm. Until friday.
And yes I have kinda made up my mind, but wanted to see if someone could change my mind and think differently, which I am atm


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cool. Good luck!


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> So, separated for a year and he still hasn't found a place to live yet...


If not all thread is being read I can see the confusion. He lost his job 2 Weeks ago and had to leave his home due to no incoming money.

He slept at her sofa first night yesterday and has that as option until friday, then he could stay at his moms


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm confused. You said last night was the first night back there? But in another thread, you make it sound like you're sure he's not in her bed because you talk until late every night? And you say he hasn't slept there until last night, but didn't you say he was there when your relationship started 5 months ago? Sorry, I'm trying to follow multiple threads on my phone...

Why can't he move into his mom's place now? Why only for the weekend? He had two weeks notice, what stopped him from finding another solution before that ran out? What are his job prospects in the near future? The fact that he was employed by the same place for years is a good thing to know, at least... How much of his unemployment money is he giving to his ex that he doesn't have money for a cheap place to live?

I'm just asking the same questions I would of a friend or my daughter. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

PBear said:


> I'm confused. You said last night was the first night back there? But in another thread, you make it sound like you're sure he's not in her bed because you talk until late every night? And you say he hasn't slept there until last night, but didn't you say he was there when your relationship started 5 months ago? Sorry, I'm trying to follow multiple threads on my phone...
> 
> Why can't he move into his mom's place now? Why only for the weekend? He had two weeks notice, what stopped him from finding another solution before that ran out? What are his job prospects in the near future? The fact that he was employed by the same place for years is a good thing to know, at least... How much of his unemployment money is he giving to his ex that he doesn't have money for a cheap place to live?
> 
> ...


Well yes I knew last night he wasnt sleeping in her bed. And he havent slept there since he actually lived there when they were together and a while after they broke up. And last night was the first since then. 

And sorry no not 2 weeks notice. He got a notice 2 weeks ago to leave immediately. 

he will start getting £71 per week and half of that goes to his kids


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Longdistancegirl said:


> he will start getting £71 per week and half of that goes to his kids


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old are his kids, btw? And how do his job prospects look?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


>


Thats UK for him..


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

PBear said:


> How old are his kids, btw? And how do his job prospects look?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


4 and 8

Job prospects looks good as he have worked a lot with customers and got leading skills from his old work as manager


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He makes kids with a woman but doesn't marry her. While he's with her, he "finds" you. He can't manage to find a job in over a year and has no qualms about exploiting the hospitality of a woman he wouldn't honor with marriage. Nope. I don't see a problem. Drive on!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My POV: OP has made a countered statement for nearly every single piece of advise/opinion she has gotten in this thread.

Ah, love. That blinding thing.


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> He makes kids with a woman but doesn't marry her. While he's with her, he "finds" you. He can't manage to find a job in over a year and has no qualms about exploiting the hospitality of a woman he wouldn't honor with marriage. Nope. I don't see a problem. Drive on!!


Wow here we assume a lot 

He makes a kid at age 20 with a woman in an early relationship and doesnt intend to marry her, 4 years later one not planned girl comes to the world and things might feel like its "saving" the relationship but it fails. They fight a lot and 3 years later they break up. A year after that he finds me, even tho he had decided he would NEVER fall in love again or get married. He at this time had a job which he lost 2 weeks ago. He gets homeless with lack of money for a place and ex offers him to sleep there for 5 days.


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> My POV: OP has made a countered statement for nearly every single piece of advise/opinion she has gotten in this thread.
> 
> Ah, love. That blinding thing.


Yes this is my way of finding a solution. If it comes to the point where I have nothing to say its clearly a new way of thinking for me. It's how I work, to counter and re-counter to come up with the best solution


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your way of finding a solution is asking for advice and making an excuse for every single time someone makes a realistic assumption?

Ok. 

I guess I don't really understand. the thing is. When you met him he was living with her and now you seem upset he may be going back to live with her. Full circle? Cycle repeating itself. 

Deep down, you know you are not ok with this situation but you will tolerate it because you "love" him and prefer any situation you can get to be with him rather than admitting you're not ok with it because it's weird for a man to go back and live with his ex. And you will try to rationalize it away eventhough you are uncomfortable w/ it and he scoffs at the fact that you could find it weird.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

You don't really know this guy. You've been "together" for 3 WHOLE MONTHS but somehow you trust him implicitly, are ready to marry him, etc. Nobody is going to tell you that it's okay to marry a guy living with his ex, with no job and you guys barely even know each other. 

Why are you here looking for advice?


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

I can agree with your post about being blind and that..

But to put all worries aside I look at facts, he lost his job and the only one that could offer him a place was her and even tho he don't really want to be there because of her, he takes it and trying to focus on that its just a few days and trying to spend all the time with the kids and speaking to her as little as possible, but still grateful to get food. 

that's how I think he sees it and I really don't want him sleeping outside.. Should I think the same way or think of myself here saying I can't deal with my own emotions about this and that it's disrespectful to me to stay there, and maybe leave him util he got job and place sorted? I'm not sure what to feel about it.


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

justonelife said:


> You don't really know this guy. You've been "together" for 3 WHOLE MONTHS but somehow you trust him implicitly, are ready to marry him, etc. Nobody is going to tell you that it's okay to marry a guy living with his ex, with no job and you guys barely even know each other.
> 
> Why are you here looking for advice?


I guess thats why I came here, for someone to tell me that and to be careful


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How old are you?


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> How old are you?


I'm 23 and he's 29 soon. I don't want to hear I'm young and got a lot of time in front of me to live. Some find true love early in life, so please not that ^^


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Longdistancegirl said:


> What do you guys think of this?


You've said almost nothing regarding your relationship other than that it is long distance and of short duration. So how is it exactly that you know this guy and what kind of time have you actually spent together as a couple? 

It would be one thing if he was a real go-getter and successful. But this is an unemployed guy bumming off his ex, and guilt-tripping you over what is clearly his own doing.

You made the statement that you love him for who he is, so you can overlook this... but this is who he is. So you are overlooking who he is in favor of who you would like him to be.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Longdistancegirl said:


> I'm 23 and he's 29 soon. I don't want to hear I'm young and got a lot of time in front of me to live. Some find true love early in life, so please not that ^^


AH, so you really DONT want to hear the truth...


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Longdistancegirl said:


> I guess thats why I came here, for someone to tell me that and to be careful


You know this isn't a good situation. You just don't want to admit it to yourself.

Let us tell you...This IS NOT a good situation.


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> You've said almost nothing regarding your relationship other than that it is long distance and of short duration. So how is it exactly that you know this guy and what kind of time have you actually spent together as a couple?
> 
> It would be one thing if he was a real go-getter and successful. But this is an unemployed guy bumming off his ex, and guilt-tripping you over what is clearly his own doing.
> 
> You made the statement that you love him for who he is, so you can overlook this... but this is who he is. So you are overlooking who he is in favor of who you would like him to be.


he just recently became unemployed tho. he used to work 14-16h per day

and yes maybe this is true..


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> AH, so you really DONT want to hear the truth...


Thats not the ONLY truth, that's just ONE WAY at looking at it. My sis found her love at age 19 and are happily married with kids and whole package ^^


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Longdistancegirl said:


> Thats not the ONLY truth, that's just ONE WAY at looking at it. My sis found her love at age 19 and are happily married with kids and whole package ^^


And was her husband living with his ex with 2 kids he can't support, much less himself? Long distance?


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

norajane said:


> And was her husband living with his ex with 2 kids he can't support, much less himself?


So because of this you don't think I can be just as happy with him? Does everyone here think I should leave this guy because there is no hope?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

He sounds like he can't take care of himself at the age of 29, much less his children.

You sound naive and are making excuses for him left and right.

Love doesn't conquer all and it is not enough. There is more to a successful relationship besides love.

What kind of life do you want to have? His ex is NEVER going to be out of his life due to the children. Have you even met his children? Do you want to be their stepmom? Are you prepared to support all 4 of you now or in the future? Do you want to have kids with someone who can't support the ones he has?

Your life will be totally mired in his mess. Is that the kind of life you imagined for yourself?


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

norajane said:


> He sounds like he can't take care of himself at the age of 29, much less his children.
> 
> You sound naive and are making excuses for him left and right.
> 
> Love doesn't conquer all and it is not enough. There is more to a successful relationship besides love.


Because he lost his job and the government won't help him getting a place because he's not under the effect of drugs or drinking? 
Not defending him, asking to see if theres a good answer to it, id like to know

Yes I've met them, they are wonderful and I'm prepared to help him get custody and to live with all three of them and be a great stepmom.

He says he will fix it and give us a great life and to support us all. He's not selfish at all and its hard to convince him I want to help too


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Longdistancegirl said:


> Because he lost his job and the government won't help him getting a place because he's not under the effect of drugs or drinking?
> Not defending him, asking to see if theres a good answer to it, id like to know


Because he's 29 and has NO savings whatsoever to the point of becoming homeless the instant he became unemployed, no place of his own, and no stability in his life.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, if you're just going to shoot down any advice you get, I'm not sure what the point is. It's an emotional decision, and none if us have even as much insight as you have. We're just giving our thoughts. 

For me personally, if I had to spend the night at my stbxw's place for a few nights, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that no hanky-panky would happen. And we're still amicable. Heck, I thought seriously about it at christmas, as I was going to be there first thing for opening presents and then had a travel day with them. My SO of two years was fine with whatever I decided, but we have enough history to trust each other. 

Anyway, good luck with your decision. I think you're rushing things and heading for a period of stress and turmoil, but I hope not. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Why would a man make a child with a woman he didn't intend to marry? Why would he make another with the same woman? I'm not making assumptions. I'm just describing exactly what his choices have been. She's apparently good enough to make two kids with, live with at least 4 years, have sex with, and now to put food in his unemployed mouth and a roof over his jobless head. If she were my daughter and those were my grand kids, I wouldn't have much use for the guy.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Longdistancegirl said:


> So because of this you don't think I can be just as happy with him? Does everyone here think I should leave this guy because there is no hope?


You don't have to leave him but I would seriously consider slowing things way down and telling him that you need to take a step back until he gets his life in order.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: Fiancé living at EX now and then*



Longdistancegirl said:


> Thats UK for him..


How did you meet? My cousin met a bloke with the same story from UK through Second Life, dumped him when he went back to his ex...


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

catfan said:


> How did you meet? My cousin met a bloke with the same story from UK through Second Life, dumped him when he went back to his ex...


gaming online


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Longdistancegirl said:


> gaming online


Wow, so he's a gamer too? 

If I could list the top 5 "red flags" that would make me drop a guy immediately, I think your fiance would hit all of them. Great catch. Good luck.


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

justonelife said:


> Wow, so he's a gamer too?
> 
> If I could list the top 5 "red flags" that would make me drop a guy immediately, I think your fiance would hit all of them. Great catch. Good luck.


What's wrong with being a gamer?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Longdistancegirl said:


> What's wrong with being a gamer?


It consumes many, _many _hours when they should be working (or looking for a job) or sleeping or exercising or grocery shopping or taking care of the kids or doing something with you.

Gamers meet other people online. "We're just gaming! She doesn't mean anything!" while they spend hours and hours together, leaving you in the cold.

Do you have anything else in common?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

LDG - How much relationship experience do you have? Have you been in many long-term relationships?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Longdistancegirl said:


> he used to work 14-16h per day



Also, who really works 14-16 hours a day? That's crazy and most likely a lie so you don't question how he is spending his time. Trust me, I've been there, done that.

Besides, if he really did, how does he have time for online gaming? He should have been spending time his precious little free time with his kids.


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

norajane said:


> It consumes many, _many _hours when they should be working (or looking for a job) or sleeping or exercising or grocery shopping or taking care of the kids or doing something with you.
> 
> Gamers meet other people online. "We're just gaming! She doesn't mean anything!" while they spend hours and hours together, leaving you in the cold.
> 
> Do you have anything else in common?


I'm sorry,then I guess I'm just as bad. We met online in a game and started talking (vocally) and clicked right away and been talking for hours every day. He's only been gaming when off work and not for hours and hours and it's an activity we just like doing together. We don't take gaming that seriously, life comes first  I'm just as much of a nerd :$
He's not playing atm after he lost his job, busy looking for jobs now etc.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Do you have anything else in common besides gaming?


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

justonelife said:


> Also, who really works 14-16 hours a day? That's crazy and most likely a lie so you don't question how he is spending his time. Trust me, I've been there, done that.
> 
> Besides, if he really did, how does he have time for online gaming? He should have been spending time his precious little free time with his kids.


Not a lie, I know this is true. He was a manager at a restaurant and the best one at the job so to make it work he had to be there, and had 3-4 days off, thats when he had time to play. And no as he dont have custody and she refuses to let him see them when he was off work, he couldnt see them much but I know he always prio kids when he was able to, not gaming or anything else!


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

norajane said:


> Do you have anything else in common besides gaming?


Yes, how we see life and our future. the way we think and communicate. We are both very interested in working with food, travelling and are loving caring people that I know will have a great family together one day.


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

justonelife said:


> LDG - How much relationship experience do you have? Have you been in many long-term relationships?


I've had a couple that lasted a year, but I never even once could see myself with them in the future when I tried to look at it. My future has always been unclear but when I met this guy it all looked so bright. I see us together growing old


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Have you ever heard that actions speak louder than words? At this point, all you have are pretty words that he has said to you while online gaming. Before you dispute that, yes, I know he has visited you for a few days here and there but that doesn't amount to much. I'm sure he can sound very wonderful and romantic but in reality, this doesn't translate into a solid man you can depend on.

Let's look at his actions.

1. Unemployed / homeless
2. Living with his ex, can't figure out a way to find another place to stay.
3. Doesn't see his kids unless he is sleeping at his ex's house
4. Can't support himself or his kids
5. Makes you feel bad for having a problem with his living arrangements
6. Online gamer

This is REALITY. You need to grow up and see what the rest of us see, which is a great big train wreck. But you won't because you are "in love" with the total fantasy that he has created in your head. That's all it is. When he can make it a reality, then you might have something.


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

justonelife said:


> Have you ever heard that actions speak louder than words? At this point, all you have are pretty words that he has said to you while online gaming. Before you dispute that, yes, I know he has visited you for a few days here and there but that doesn't amount to much. I'm sure he can sound very wonderful and romantic but in reality, this doesn't translate into a solid man you can depend on.
> 
> Let's look at his actions.
> 
> ...


I'll tell him first thing in the morning that I can't be with him until we both have a job around same place so we can meet and date for real. I guess it never works meeting someone online because gaming is so horrible. Sucks to be him to lose his job and can only afford food and support for kids, which he sees a couple of times a week because she is in charge and that she abuse them when they are with her. I don't have a full time job either, haven't had in a while but I'm lucky to get help from this country so I can have my own place and money and invite him for as long as 90 days at a time. In UK you can only stay at a place for a few days because of laws. This is clearly too much for two people to put on their emotions and trust and I should find someone closer to me I can be as much, or even more, happy with that doesn't play willy computer games a few hours per week

See my point?

As soon as he gets a job again tho he can afford an own place and support himself and I can come stay there after finding a job there myself and a Visa. He won't stop fighting for full custody because he's worried about his own kids and feels blessed that I don't take off and run because he has kids from a previous relationship.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Longdistancegirl said:


> I'll tell him first thing in the morning that I can't be with him until we both have a job around same place so we can meet and date for real. I guess it never works meeting someone online because gaming is so horrible. Sucks to be him to lose his job and can only afford food and support for kids, which he sees a couple of times a week because she is in charge and that she abuse them when they are with her. I don't have a full time job either, haven't had in a while but I'm lucky to get help from this country so I can have my own place and money and invite him for as long as 90 days at a time. In UK you can only stay at a place for a few days because of laws. This is clearly too much for two people to put on their emotions and trust and I should find someone closer to me I can be as much, or even more, happy with that doesn't play willy computer games a few hours per week
> 
> See my point?
> 
> As soon as he gets a job again tho he can afford an own place and support himself and I can come stay there after finding a job there myself and a Visa. He won't stop fighting for full custody because he's worried about his own kids and feels blessed that I don't take off and run because he has kids from a previous relationship.


That seems reasonable. Or were you being sarcastic?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

PBear said:


> That seems reasonable. Or were you being sarcastic?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I won't dump someone for losing a job or playing games. I'm in the same position but I get help because I live in a different country. But yes, waiting would be good. Thanks for all your advice x


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Longdistancegirl said:


> So because of this you don't think I can be just as happy with him? Does everyone here think I should leave this guy because there is no hope?


I vote yes.

Tell him when and if he gets a job and a place to live on his own you'll consider taking things further.

For now, and probably forever, cut your losses with this unemployed homeless guy who is living with his ex and cannot support his 2 children. The world is tough enough as it is. You've got better options.


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

there's no hope for humanity after all


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

You said you met online and it's a long distance relationship. I might have missed it but have you ever met face to face?


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: Fiancé living at EX now and then*



Longdistancegirl said:


> I'm sorry,then I guess I'm just as bad. We met online in a game and started talking (vocally) and clicked right away and been talking for hours every day. He's only been gaming when off work and not for hours and hours and it's an activity we just like doing together. We don't take gaming that seriously, life comes first  I'm just as much of a nerd :$
> He's not playing atm after he lost his job, busy looking for jobs now etc.


I met my partner through online gaming and know many people who met this way, nothing wrong with that. Can't help losing his job. 
He can chose the responsible way to deal with his current situation. I don't think living with his ex is responsible towards his kids, his ex and of course you. Living there will make it confusing and hurtfull for everyone involved in the end...


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

catfan said:


> I met my partner through online gaming and know many people who met this way, nothing wrong with that. Can't help losing his job.
> He can chose the responsible way to deal with his current situation. I don't think living with his ex is responsible towards his kids, his ex and of course you. Living there will make it confusing and hurtfull for everyone involved in the end...


 Now we're talking. This is what I wanted to discuss


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Longdistancegirl said:


> Now we're talking. This is what I wanted to discuss


Ok lets discuss him living with his ex.

They had a sexual relationship, they've been intimate. He's in another country and back under the same roof as her. They obviously get along, otherwise she wouldn't have allowed him to stay there. 

It's very conceivable that in a weak moment, say after a few drinks..does he drink?.. that they accidentaly end up in bed together. I wouldn't put up with this arrangement for a single minute.

You didn't answer my question.

Have you ever met him in person?


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Ok lets discuss him living with his ex.
> 
> They had a sexual relationship, they've been intimate. He's in another country and back under the same roof as her. They obviously get along, otherwise she wouldn't have allowed him to stay there.
> 
> ...


If I were to stay at my ex, and even drink, Id never ever even lay a hand on his body or kiss him, or even think that i want to. Not everyone has to be cheaters and I trust him. They don't get along but with that many years together I wont blame them for being able to spend a few night under same roof together. No He does not drink. She does and are very immature about it, gets wasted at home when kids are awake etc (not when he's around though)

Yes we have met in person. To me, a relationship cannot be defined as a relationship before you have met. Ive spent many days at his old place, met his family etc and he here

I'm more worried about the kids here how they feel, than they two actually under same roof. It's uncomfortable and weird for me, yes, but I'm not worried something would happen.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Ok so him messing with her is not a possibility, that's off the table.

He's only there temporarily, so that's good.

It's only about the job. Well if you're willing to support him then maybe he should move to live with you?


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Ok so him messing with her is not a possibility, that's off the table.
> 
> He's only there temporarily, so that's good.
> 
> It's only about the job. Well if you're willing to support him then maybe he should move to live with you?


Yes we have talked about this. At least temporary. I still want him to be close to his kids, best case getting them full time (shes thinking of moving to her BF which has a kid already and start new life with him) and i'm willing to move to UK, it suits my goal in life too.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Sounds like you've got it all figured out.

What else do you need from us?


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Sounds like you've got it all figured out.
> 
> What else do you need from us?


How does the kids feel about mum and dad, which are always fighting, now living together for a short time again? I'm no child from divorced parents so I don't know how they are reacting with him being there


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Let your boyfriend and his ex worry about what's happening with the kids. It's not your problem, nor your responsibility and it's nothing you can control. It would be like me saying I wonder if all the poor children in Africa got enough to eat last night. 

It's sweet that you care, but for all practical purposes, it just doesn't matter.


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Let your boyfriend and his ex worry about what's happening with the kids. It's not your problem, nor your responsibility and it's nothing you can control. It would be like me saying I wonder if all the poor children in Africa got enough to eat last night.
> 
> It's sweet that you care, but for all practical purposes, it just doesn't matter.


I see, thank you.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Your responses are fast as lightening.


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Your responses are fast as lightening.


Yours too :smthumbup:


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I am going to post and see how long it takes you to respond.

GO


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

lenzi said:


> i am going to post and see how long it takes you to respond.
> 
> Go


gogo


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Damn you're good.


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Damn you're good.


hah yeah my phones email app plings every time someone post, and i update and respond


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I burned out my keyboard, thanks a lot for that.


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

lenzi said:


> I burned out my keyboard, thanks a lot for that.


Sorry what?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

And now my mouse isn't clicking either and I think the hard drive is on fire.

Where do I send the bill?


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

awww sorry!


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)




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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Longdistancegirl said:


> I'll tell him first thing in the morning that I can't be with him until we both have a job around same place so we can meet and date for real.


This is the first reasonable thing you have said.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Longdistancegirl said:


> Yes, how we see life and our future. the way we think and communicate. We are both very interested in working with food, travelling and are loving caring people that I know will have a great family together one day.


In order to have that, one day, a lot of stuff has to happen first, stuff like this:



Longdistancegirl said:


> As soon as he gets a job again tho he can afford an own place and support himself and I can come stay there after finding a job there myself and a Visa.


Good luck to you both.


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