# help,need some info from people that have been through this(mid life crisis?)



## joe schmuck (Dec 17, 2014)

hello
been lurking here for awhile,i'll try to keep this short as possible.
so a few months back my wife of 11 yrs joked about a 3 way and when I asked if she knew what she was saying,she would would not look me in the eye's and said "well do you".

I was completely shocked as she is totally straight laced(I thought)

-now out of now where she has shaved down south!?
-recently mentioned she might like a boob job ! wtf? I have always been happy with her body

-this is a question for the ladies,do you refure to your girl friends as hey beautifull,i miss you/love you/honey?when texting?

-she has a girl friend that always acts really funny around me(never thought about it till now)

-said girl friend NEVER comes to visit when I'm home,she is married(I work out of town a lot)

-we both recently turned 38,mid life crisis for her?

- my spidey sense has been tingling for a awhile,recently took 6 months off to spend time with family because of it.thought it was all good,but these questions are eating a hole in me(again)

- got a VAR but haven't got anything from it yet,mostly because I suck with spying. 

-I feel like an ******* to even think about this stuff

-also wondering,is there a secret code with the periods when texting ex.thanks for the birthday presents...or come for coffee....?

-also have 4 young kids in picture which I love more than life itself.
- how do you find hidden/deleted messages on computer or cell(I think s5)
am I crazy or seeing things where I shouldn't?

any info would be greatly appreciated
thanks
joe schmuck(not my real name for obvious reasons


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

sounds fishy

so are you thinking she's having an affair with this woman? or that she's using this woman as a cover, like using her name in her contact list instead of the guy's name?

where's the VAR being placed? somewhere that could capture their conversations at your house? or just car? get a few more for her next visit. One in the bedroom, one on the main floor where they'd be chatting.

get a keylogger on the computer, and dr. fone for undeleting android messages. see Weightlifter's thread for standard evidence gathering.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You would not be the first husband who's wife fooled around with another woman friend. It happens much more than you would imagine. Sometimes these trysts can result in a walk away wife.

From what you describe, all the red flags are there for you to be suspicious and monitor her. VAR, keylogger, spyware on her phone. Check her cell records for the frequency, timing and duration of her calls to this OW. 

It is critical that you get *concrete* evidence on this type of A, before you confront. With a same sex A, she can much more easily gaslight you by playing the "she's just a friend" card and accuse you of being controlling and paranoid. 

The larger question is; how emotionally invested is she to this woman. But make no mistake, this would be cheating regardless.

Keep posting.


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## joe schmuck (Dec 17, 2014)

I'm thinking affair with the women,never EVER thought I would have this happen.

like I said ,she has been straight laced up till this point

I placed a var in the car,but didn't get anything usefull

hard place around house as the ow only comes over when im gone to work(gone 3 wks at a time)

again ,can't believe I'm here asking these questions


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The grooming change - maybe she wanted to try something different?

I do often tell my girlfriends "hey beautiful/gorgeous/hi chick/hey love." It's normal for me. 

Does your wife act weird about the woman? (the one you get a weird vibe from)?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

joe schmuck said:


> again ,can't believe I'm here asking these questions


Well you should be. I'm not suggesting that she's definitely having an affair; just that's it's very possible.

Some BH's don't take these type of A's seriously, not realizing that the WW's transfer of affection to the OW can have a devastating effect on the marriage - even if the WS has no intention of leaving.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

The terms of endearment for her girlfriends is not a problem -- IF she has always done it. However, red flag alert if this is her new lingo. Is this new behavior with this female friend?

The shaving/grooming issues are a bit odd if she has never done it before and YOU didn't request it.

The suggestion of a threesome is extremely odd, given her straight-laced nature.

Finally the use of ellipses (....) during texting DOES suggest to me that she might be being sly and making references to "other" things. "Coffee.....?" to me might be "Afternoon tryst....?"

I wouldn't call it a mid-life crisis, but it IS possible she is waking up to a more adventuresome sexuality as she is getting older. You definitely need to keep your eyes and ears open. Your "spidey sense" is your best indicator that something is amiss.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

The woman my H was seeing ask him the same question & then she told him that she had a girlfriend that she had fooled around with that would be willing. I personally have never called any of my girlfriends beautiful, sweetie or any other names like that. Have said Love Ya. as far as the periods go it's a girl thing. My personal opinion If she is asking she has someone lined up.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Tell her you were thinking about what she said about a 3 way and ask her if had anybody in mind? If she says the girlfriend then you know that they have already had sex.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

bryanp said:


> Tell her you were thinking about what she said about a 3 way and ask her if had anybody in mind? *If she says the girlfriend *then you know that they have already had sex.


Perfect! :iagree:


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

bryanp said:


> Tell her you were thinking about what she said about a 3 way and ask her if had anybody in mind? If she says the girlfriend then you know that they have already had sex.


Also if she does say her girlfriend mention along the lines 'but what if her husband finds out etc' as it may have been there already especially about the boob job as its possibly a man thing


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

joe schmuck said:


> hard place around house as the ow only comes over when im gone to work(gone 3 wks at a time)


yeah, but if something is going on, she's probably over there the first night you leave town. 

Use some lithium batteries and the right level of voice activation you should be able to capture a several days.

maybe schedule a 'trip out of town' and come back unexpectedly early.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

you might want to try a hidden nanny cam(s)
next time you leave town


some people may think this is way over the line, if you do you could always position the hidden cam outside the bedroom door to see who comes and goes in and out of the bedroom.
Me personally if it is my house may marital bed and my gut was screaming at me I would put it in the bed room and maybe one in living room.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did she say three way with another woman specifically?

Have you considered the possibility she is having three ways with her friend and her husband?

Another thing is at her age she may be reaching her sexual peak.

Maybe she thinks she's getting older and starting to sag. Google boob job and divorce though.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

You definite ly need to inve stigat.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You mentioned that your wife wants breasts augmentation. She wouldn't do this for a woman. Are you sure that her girlfriend is not a guy?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Go for the threesome.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Go for the threesome.


Not funny and definitely not helpful.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> You mentioned that your wife wants breasts augmentation. *She wouldn't do this for a woman.*


Hmmm... I'm not so sure about this!

I have a female bisexual friend who is the more "dominant" (translation = "male") one in her relationships. She's all into breasts, hips, butts, just like a guy would be.

Perhaps the "friend" is suggesting breast implants, shaving down south, threesomes (which could all be a ruse to hide THEIR relationship), etc. for her own benefit?

Just a thought...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> Did she say three way with another woman specifically?
> 
> Have you considered the possibility she is having three ways with her friend and her husband?
> 
> ...



This. She's already having 3 ways with the friend and her husband.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> *This. She's already having 3 ways with the friend and her husband.*


I'm thinking this may be correct.

OP... you need to do some SERIOUS reconnaissance. Have you read weightlifter's post? Long time TAMer who really knows the drill.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

I sincerely recommend that you *PM him directly*. He is completely discreet and has helped dozens of people here.

You need some direction on where to go from here.


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## joe schmuck (Dec 17, 2014)

well first i'll answer a couple questions

-she shaved with out my asking

-definitely ow not om . never thought about her weird behaviour till that 3 some question.that's a big old NO from me . I don't share.

-I have never seen her talk like this to any of her other friends that she has known for many years

-have a really hard time thinking that she's doing the 3 some's(all though the question makes sense from that point of view,ouch)

- I noticed she would sometimes take a long time to get groceries from local store(1 1/2hrs), asked her about it once and that NEVER happened since. wasn't thinking about this at that point just thought she wanted a break :scratchhead:

I guess I will have to set up VAR in bedroom next time I leave ,maybe do the nanny cam thing

never thought I'd have think like this, I've always been loyal and worked my butt off. not that I'm perfect .I tend get excited when discussing issues with my wife and I tend to see things in black and white.

but I am trying to change these things. I feel totally blind sided by this stuff. don't know what expect from my wife.still love her but I gotta get this s--t figured out

anyhow I think I will pm weight lifter later,he rocks. after I chew on what you guys have said. keep it coming ,it makes me feel like I'm not insane for thinking these thoughts
thanks


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The shaving thing without you asking is what makes me think her friends husband is involved.


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## joe schmuck (Dec 17, 2014)

not liking where this is going.though nice to see I'm not being paranoid.how small are nanny cams?

-think I might of pushed this under ground a bit ,as I wasn't subtle about checking her phone ,communication pretty much stops when im home(that I know of)

-never seen two girl friends kiss good bye before either. also not done with her other friends

-as said before she was completely straight laced .this is blowing me out of the water
-I will need solid proof before I confront her


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

speaking of spidey senses going off!


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## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

As a bisexual woman, it sounds to me like these 2 are closer than "normal friends" usually are. I had a question about her shaving down there, did she do it to surprise you maybe? If she did it and then came on to you, maybe it was for you?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> Not funny and definitely not helpful.


Seriously? THREE grumpy faces? 

OK. "Funny" is in the eye of the beholder. But not helpful? This was the best advice he's been given so far.

My take? They've been each others wingwoman at the bars while you've been gone. I don't know if they've been picking up guys for threesomes or one-on-ones, but something is going on while you're gone. Nanny cam would be perfect.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

To all of you trying to make this out as innocent, I provide exhibit A that it is NOT:



joe schmuck said:


> -said girl friend NEVER comes to visit when I'm home,she is married(I work out of town a lot)


Notice the caps on "never". That doesn't mean ALMOST never. It means never.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Joe,

I will repeat my suggestion. Please tell her you were thinking about what she said about a 3 way and ask her if she has anybody in mind? If she says the girlfriend then you know that they have already had sex. What have you got to lose?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Maybe there is nothing to it all and she just was testing you to see if you want other women besides her.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Seriously? THREE grumpy faces?
> 
> OK. "Funny" is in the eye of the beholder. But not helpful? This was the best advice he's been given so far.


Only in your eyes (and they are confused and not grumpy, although both are fitting in this case). Had the 3some been an option he was interested in or wanted to pursue he would have asked a question regarding it, and not been so concerned about its effects on his marriage and destroying it (and he has supported what I am saying by stating he has no interest in sharing his wife). It is not a helpful suggestion in any way shape or form. Sorry but this is worrisome to him and not Penthouse forums where it is circus and chandelier sex for all and everything is good in the end. Your recommendation was akin to recommending he go out and have a revenge affair and what would the 3some really do (search on her and you will see quite a few stories where the open marriage and 3some were attempted and all it did was destroy the union), so I stand by my statement not funny and not helpful.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

joe schmuck said:


> not liking where this is going.though nice to see I'm not being paranoid.how small are nanny cams?
> 
> -think I might of pushed this under ground a bit ,as I wasn't subtle about checking her phone ,communication pretty much stops when im home(that I know of)
> 
> ...


Get the VAR and stick with a pen cam....it looks just like a pen and won't be noticed.

Don't forget the velcro tape. Don't go cheap on the batteries.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Just do two vars.

One where she talks on the phone inside the house. 
One in the car.

Easier than cams. Just do it correct.

Read the evidence thread. Step by step instructions.


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## joe schmuck (Dec 17, 2014)

well I think the wife just found the TAM site.crap.i'll be gone for awhile.thanks for the info .down the rabbit hole I go. thanks again


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Oh boy.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Joe,
If you return to read this then there is one underlying issue here. Whether it's an A, midlife crisis or what have you, your wife is no longer content. It may be you, her or a combination of the two, In any case she is exploring. Do your reconnaissance and prepare yourself for whatever is uncovered. Good luck sir.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Squeakr said:


> Only in your eyes (and they are confused and not grumpy, although both are fitting in this case). Had the 3some been an option he was interested in or wanted to pursue he would have asked a question regarding it, and not been so concerned about its effects on his marriage and destroying it (and he has supported what I am saying by stating he has no interest in sharing his wife). It is not a helpful suggestion in any way shape or form. Sorry but this is worrisome to him and not Penthouse forums where it is circus and chandelier sex for all and everything is good in the end. Your recommendation was akin to recommending he go out and have a revenge affair and what would the 3some really do (search on her and you will see quite a few stories where the open marriage and 3some were attempted and all it did was destroy the union), so I stand by my statement not funny and not helpful.


I thought it was funny.


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## joe schmuck (Dec 17, 2014)

hi guys
had to have a little break,working on some issues that need to be addressed. I still come check out the posts one in a while.as I said before,i realy appreciate the advice coming in.its nice not to be judged to harshly here.
i'm at work right now and I gotta say dealing with anger is and issue sometimes.trying to keep a low profile with checking on the wife,as I'm more of and up front kind of guy.
my damn gut feeling that somethings not quite right is driving me crazy
anyway I guess the wife didn't find out I was posting here
another week and I'm home,then we'll see what happens.venting here helps a little.
any advice you can think of would be great,
thanks
joe


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Joe

You need to ask a friend or hire a PI if you can narrow down when her GF is coming to visit.

And then you need to come home unexpectedly, walk in the door and yell "surprise"!

Sneaking around sucks but it sounds like your wife has too much "alone" time on her hands when you are away.

Any chance you can home a wee earlier and just watch?

HM


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Joe
> 
> You need to ask a friend or hire a PI if you can narrow down when her GF is coming to visit.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:
How often are you out of town???
This isn't healthy for any marriage just sayin.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

happyman64 said:


> Joe
> 
> You need to ask a friend or hire a PI if you can narrow down when her GF is coming to visit.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

There is a running joke amongst airline crew, based on far too many real life experiences, to *never* come home early without first calling to let the spouse know. Unexpectedly arriving home is a very common way of discovering affairs.

If possible, tell her the wrong day so that she doesn't expect you for another couple of days. Then, your story will be, via some great stroke of luck you were let off 2 days early and came home all excited to see your wife.

The shaved/groomed pubic area is a very strong red flag. Where would a 38 yr old woman get this idea from? If she's never done this before, where would she even find out about it? Only from porn or _maybe_ a women's magazine. But if you've never said anything about wanting her to do it, she would have no inkling to do it.

If she said she had a surprise for you, then it could be innocent. You have to use your gut feeling on how it all went down when you first encountered it. Did you see it when she was dressing to go to work or jumping in the shower? Or did she make it out as some new experiment and ask if you like it?

VARs should capture what you need to know. Also look into keylogging the computer she uses for emails, facebook, etc.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Joe, if I may, you already know what's going on. You are too afraid to implement the tools to solidify your assumptions. I think that's normal in situations like these where you wish it wasn't happening. Unfortunately something is going on and you need to just shut up and do what you need to do to get to the bottom of this.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Joe, if I may, you already know what's going on. You are too afraid to implement the tools to solidify your assumptions. I think that's normal in situations like these where you wish it wasn't happening. Unfortunately something is going on and you need to just shut up and do what you need to do to get to the bottom of this.


:iagree:
VARs in the car and house do it.


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## joe schmuck (Dec 17, 2014)

to answer a few of your questions
tom67, I work a 3week on 2 week off schedule,so yes I'm gone quite a bit. I actually took a leave for 6 months last summer because I felt like something was wrong. but you gotta pay the bills to.

thor
she made out like it was and experiment, completely unexpected. some days if feel like I don't know her.

plan 9 from os

I'm thinking you are right, I am having a hard time with facing up to this.

but I do have a var in the car.when I get home I'm getting another one and a pen recorder and keylogger. I gotta deal with this [email protected]#t, or is will eat me up.trying very hard not to confront yet


and finally the fricken day I was leaving, I checked her phone and she was already texting ow to visit. not ONE text between them while I was home(that I could find). there are words I can't put on here right now as I type this. I feel like a fool.


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## joe schmuck (Dec 17, 2014)

it would be pretty hard for me to show up early.but when I can I think that may just happen.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Chances are this is what it looks like. But don't go off the rails yet. Do your investigations and try to remain calm and hopeful. Hope for the best, but be realistic.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

joe schmuck said:


> the fricken day I was leaving, I checked her phone and she was already texting ow to visit.


The details of their little secret life together are going to shock you. I'm waiting with baited breath for the results of your spying.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Sorry, that was the voyeur in me taking precedent. I hope you've read up on the 180. You're going to need it.


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## Borntohang (Sep 4, 2014)

Hoping this is a "girl crush", all talk scenerio..
Wishing you the best!


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

I like going to my friend home's when their H isn't home bc that way I don't feel like I am stepping on his toes or taking away from their alone time.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Crap.

Sounds kind of like that guy whose wife was with her trainer. Name forgotten.


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