# Vacation Sex Expectations



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Curious on everyone's take on expectations for sex on scheduled vacations? Is it fair to assume that sex is part of a planned vacation? I get 20 days each year of vacation days (plus federal holidays in the US), and I really look forward to using that time to relax and recharge. Often, my wife will ask that we plan formal trips a few times a year, which I use vacation days for. Sometimes it is just her and I, sometimes her, myself, and another couple, and sometimes family trip (1 adult child, her husband, and two older teenage kids).
For trips that are just wife and I, sex almost always happens, but often no more frequent or adventurous than if we were home. If it is a couples trip, it is a 50/50 if sex happens at all, and if it is a family trip, sex is unlikely (even if we have time alone during the trip).

This tough for me, as the only spouse that works, I really value my vacation days and would prefer that sex is a priority on those days, but my wife stays with her "if the mood happens to strike and if we happen to be alone". She does not like feeling like it was "planned" (see my other posts), but I have no option for formal vacations without planning ahead. My job is not setup to allow last minute. If I plan a vacation and burn through my vacation days, I would like sex (good sex) to be part of that, but that means planning ahead and doing into the vacation with sex being part of the plan. 

What is everyone else thoughts?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

It depends on the type of vacation and of you’re settled in one location vs on the move.

A week at the beach or lake, it’s on. 4 European cities in 2 weeks, we can have sex when we are home.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

We usually have more sex at home than on vacation. We tend to be active and are often tired at the end of the day. Thin walls. Not as many creature comforts as home.

We do sometimes pack a few items but I can say usually sex is not more adventurous on vacation than at home. I mean what hotel has a swing? ramp? esse?

Now once on vacation we had sex in the water which we never do at home.

If you want a sex vacation that would almost have to be planned. and like you said she doesn't like it to be planned......


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

We usually have more sex at home than on vacations. The reason being my W and cleanliness. She just feels odd about in a unfamiliar bed that others have slept. Yes, the sheets are clean as far as the hotel will tell ya but.... Anyway, if the shower is big enough in the place we are staying play time in there is a go for my W. But by and large, we are very active on vacation. We get tired from daily activity. If the mood suites and body willing....see ya in the shower! It is not however planned or scheduled. Truth be told it is more relaxing this way.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

No one can tell you in advance if they are going to be wanting to have sex or not. It's not fair to expect that. And I certainly don't think you should be pressuring her to have sex just because you're on vacation, or she may decide separate vacations are more to her liking! If sex is lagging at home, no reason to think it will pick up on vacation unless she's just tired from the kids at home and too harried to be in the mood. Vacation with kids is more stressful than being home with them, requires more supervision, as far as that goes. 

If you pressure for sex and she doesn't like that, you will ruin your own vacation and everyone else's. Just try to have a good time and see what happens organically. Maybe let her take the lead.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

For me, the best thing about vacation sex is public sex. Sex on the balcony or on the beach at night. You’ll never see any of those people again in your life anyway.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> No one can tell you in advance if they are going to be wanting to have sex or not. It's not fair to expect that. And I certainly don't think you should be pressuring her to have sex just because you're on vacation, or she may decide separate vacations are more to her liking! If sex is lagging at home, no reason to think it will pick up on vacation unless she's just tired from the kids at home and too harried to be in the mood. Vacation with kids is more stressful than being home with them, requires more supervision, as far as that goes.
> 
> If you pressure for sex and she doesn't like that, you will ruin your own vacation and everyone else's. Just try to have a good time and see what happens organically. Maybe let her take the lead.


You reply is fair, but just for clarification, our youngest child is 17 years old, so having "kids" on vacation with us is not any work or caring for them.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

RebuildingMe said:


> For me, the best thing about vacation sex is public sex. Sex on the balcony or on the beach at night. You’ll never see any of those people again in your life anyway.


Especially the people in your holding cell after your arrest for indecent exposure. LOL!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

So the kids shouldn't be interfering at home OR on vacation, then. But I'm gathering she just doesn't want sex as often as you do, and I'm just saying vacation wouldn't necessarily change that, especially if it hasn't on past ones, and it would be pressuring to ask her to commit to something like that. I mean, whatever her mood is, I wish the best for you and that she feels a good time is going on and that leads to her feeling like sex. 

I guess for some, vacations bring out romance. But life isn't a Sandals commercial. Any unwanted pressure on that front will just ruin the vacation. I would let her take the lead on it and not do any pressure about it if it were me. I assume by now you can tell if she's in the mood without having to make overt overtures or conversation about it. Good luck.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If sex isn't a happy, hot, mutual thing at home, it's probably not going to be on vacation, either.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Married_in_michigan said:


> Curious on everyone's take on expectations for sex on scheduled vacations?


In my opinion this works like someone that just won the lottery. You can hear many stories about how winning the lottery destroyed someone's life or how it really helped it. The difference being where that person started from at the moment they won the lottery. Did they know how to manage a lot of money, or did they mostly how to mismanage money and waste it. 

So expecting your sexual wellbeing to improve by taking a vacation is also like expecting that your quality of life will improve by winning the lottery. Seems like a reasonable thing to expect! 

If you have a marriage with sexual problems and challenges, odds are you are going to mostly take those issues right along with you on your vacation. You will benefit from everything being new and different to some extent with regards to your location, but that can also prove to be distracting. Let's stay in the room and have sex versus going for a late night walk on the beach to watch the fireworks from the pier (_OMG we are here at this wonderful location with so many things to do and now you want to just sit here in the hotel room and try to have sex?_). 

If I were you, I would insist on getting some good "prevacation" sex. You know, mostly to get it out of the way so that everyone can relax and enjoy being on vacation (which will lead to more sex while on vacation!). 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

We pack a separate small “adult bag”. It’s a known for us. The disconnect from everything makes it that much more relaxing and fun.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Livvie said:


> If sex isn't a happy, hot, mutual thing at home, it's probably not going to be on vacation, either.


Well not if you vacation with your spouse it won't.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

So, curiously, I have a very different tale to tell on this one. My wife and I have one significant vacation each year. Always in November or December, always a very long distance (we live in the US and have been to France, England, Egypt, Morocco, Tanzania, South Africa, Australia, Thailand, Cambodia, Israel, Zimbabwe, China...). I am completely in charge, the destination is unknown until 3-6 weeks before we go. 

And on vacation, there's going to be daily and seemingly desired sex. Once the vacation's over, the desire is over. Completely. If I get her a new car, that's good for one day of desired sex. There may be one or two other times during the year, at most, where something is of such a monumental occasion that she will desire sex. The rest of the year, it's duty sex and for the most part, until just a few months ago, quite literally resented sex.

And there is no desired sex in the days leading up to something either. My wife lives in the moment and the moment has to be something really big.

So yes, vacations are a big plus for us for sex. Is she manipulating me? Or am I manipulating her? If the latter, I need to find a less expensive way to get there. From her perspective, she's got it pretty good, and admits that.


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## 241happyhour (Jan 31, 2011)

It’s expected on our vacations and family trips. Luckily for me why wife usually stays in the mood when we go to the beach. Tomorrow we leave for Seaside for the week and I just packed our toys so that’s that. 
I don’t recall going on a vacation/family trip and not having sex but I imagine if it did happen we would have a serious conversation on the matter. 


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

241happyhour said:


> It’s expected on our vacations and family trips. Luckily for me why wife usually stays in the mood when we go to the beach. Tomorrow we leave for Seaside for the week and I just packed our toys so that’s that.
> I don’t recall going on a vacation/family trip and not having sex but I imagine if it did happen we would have a serious conversation on the matter.


Seaside, FL? I lived near there and enjoyed the locality a great deal.

With my ex, sex was never a given under any circumstances - part of the reason she's an ex! This relationship is simply very sexual - it just happens, although more-so on vacation.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My ex-husband didn't enjoy spending time with me. So, for him, vacations were not an opportunity for us to relax and have fun doing things together, spending time together, in a new and interesting place. For him, vacations were something he paid for with the expectation that I then owed him sex in return for his money and time being spent on something he didn't really want to do. 

The "I paid for this, now you owe me" was a turn-off. The "I brought you somewhere fabulous (whether or not it was anywhere I actually wanted to go), so now you owe me" was a turn-off. The very obviously transactional nature of his approach to me was a turn-off. He expected to be paid in sex for being a "great guy". And he wasn't even all that concerned if I knew it. I owed him. End of story. 

It was not a recipe for a close, loving, joyful relationship, sexually or emotionally, either at home or on vacation. 

So, OP, I would say that if your marriage doesn't include a loving, mutually satisfying relationship - both sexually and non-sexually - at home, then hot sex is unlikely to just show up out of the ether on vacation. Even if, perhaps especially if, you're clearly expecting it to be part of the package deal.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I think different people look at things differently. My aunt used to say "oh no...I'm on vacation which means I'm on vacation from that!!!!!!!!" and by all accounts, she and my uncle had a pretty good sex life until she got sick with Alzheimer's in her 80's. I think she just thought that as much as she enjoyed their sex life at home, vacation was a time when you put all the normal stuff of life on hold. 

I'm not married but my boyfriend and I think more like you...when we are away and well rested, having fun, sex just seems better. We can do the same stuff we do all the time but it's just better somehow when you're on vacation. Sometimes we get more adventurous when we're on vacation. There are some days on vacation we'll have sex three times and other times we fall asleep at 8pm and didn't have any. That's the beauty of vacation, you can do what you want, when you want. 

It might be tough to get your wife to change her opinion about this if she feels you're planning it. I'd make the conversation less about how your planning to have wild monkey sex on vacation and more about how you'd like to plan a vacation that will get you both so relaxed, recharged, and reconnected that you'll naturally WANT to have wild monkey sex together. Does that make sense??


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

As the OP, I should add that I never state that sex is expected on vacation or make any direct mention of it. It is more that I have realized how it does and does not work on different types of vacations. It is not an active conversation between my wife and I, but something that bugs me, so I reached out on TAM to see how others felt.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Maybe you should try to book shorter, weekend gateway just two of you, with not much driving or sightseeing, so you are rested and more in the mood?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

If it happens it happens and if it doesn't it doesn't.

We've have short trips away (1-3 days) without any sex at all, and other short trips with sex aplenty. Just as we've also shared longer trips away with a bit less sex or had lots of it with abandon.

Time, fatigue, desire and opportunity all play a role.

One thing for sure though, we never put sex on our itinerary as part of our plan for what we want to do and see. Instead we share sex together, when we get turned on and find or make opportunities to get on with it when we can.

That said I expect if our sex life at home wasn't particularly adventurous or frequent, it wouldn't be more adventurous or frequent when taking holiday. So if it ain't that great at home, one shouldn't be surprised to find that it isn't going to be splendid while on holiday either.

Now I'm sure you have the best intentions, yet like some others here, I read your expectation for sex on holidays. As being about you having covert contracts and feeling you have an entitlement, to get what you feel you ought to get as a consequence of you working.

Now there's nothing wrong with feeling that your spouse should want to have sex with you. Yet I think your mindset does you no favours, in generating more sexual desire from your spouse.

The other notable thing is that you say this bugs you, yet you also say you aren't talking to your wife about it. Can you see how that approach doesn't help you?

At the end of the day if you have an issue with your wife, you ought to tell her!

If she wants to fix it with you, she will. If she doesn't want to fix it with you, she won't.

If you don't like the outcome, do something about it.

Or if you don't like the outcome, yet want to carry on whingeing to no end. Perhaps you could try taking responsibility for the decisions you make and instead embrace those choices.


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## Nishlover1 (Feb 18, 2020)

It depends on where we are staying and what we are doing. Usually, both of us get antsy if we haven't had sex for a week. However, when on vacation, if we are staying in a room which is like attached to other rooms with paper thin walls, it's a turn off. Also, like right now, I am at my in laws. We are in the basement with our kids sleeping in the living room on inflatable beds, one kid is right outside our room in the hallway on an inflatable. We can literally hear him turning over on the bed...lol...so yeah we kiss, make out...but not gonna have sex while kids are right there...

In the next week, we will be at my sister in law's new house with several rooms and we will have our own room and attached washroom. However, we will be doing lots of things in the day and might be too tired. I can bet however that after about of week or so of not doing it...we will end up ****ing in the middle of the night...just happens naturally. 

If we wanted to make it a sex specific vacation, we would leave the kids with relatives and get away for 2-3 nights and do not plan any activities. Just stay in a nice hotel, order food, relax, talk...than it's on...so not having to worry about kids, or cleaning...this puts us in the mode....so if that's what you want, just plan your vacation accordingly. 

No matter how old your kids are, it makes a difference if you separate yourself from that part of your life where you are parenting...and being just lovers instead of husband/wife, mom/dad...


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## 241happyhour (Jan 31, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> Seaside, FL? I lived near there and enjoyed the locality a great deal.
> 
> With my ex, sex was never a given under any circumstances - part of the reason she's an ex! This relationship is simply very sexual - it just happens, although more-so on vacation.


Yes sir


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## OldManMac (Jul 26, 2020)

Most of the time vacations are a lot of hard work and a lot of money spent. When younger, I always tried to get some type of public display, most of the time no go. I just want to have sex on the top floor with the curtains open. No way does the wife expect to have. Most of the time I hate vacations ---- by the time I get everything set for her, she needs to go to the bathroom/says she's hungry/needs something from the car. For instance, when we go to a park, planning to read a booh--bu the time I get to open the book I carried, she is ready to go, I am tired when I return


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I wouldn't say it's "expected", but I think it happens more often naturally when we're away, simply because we're away from all our responsibilities and can just focus on us.

It can also depend why we're away - if it's because I've asked for some 1:1 time with my husband, there's usually more sex, because the reason we went away in the first place was to reconnect. If we're away just for a break, or an event, we can sometimes not have sex or not as much simply because we're too busy or too tired.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

OldManMac said:


> Most of the time vacations are a lot of hard work and a lot of money spent.


I’ve just lowered by expectations commensurate with our relationship in general. She relaxes on vacation but that doesn’t translate into more sex. She doesn’t flirt or make sexual expressions in general. Anything more than once in a 96-hour period is met with “OMG again” regardless of the venue.

When we do family vacations it’s fun but I feel like I’m working as well, almost to the point where sometimes I feel like I’m watching them have a vacation. Driving, paying, coming up with a plan, putting out fires with the kids, etc. It’s all about what she and the kids wants to do. She’s in mom-mode most of the time either fretting about something or “let’s make memories” mode it’s a huge intimacy killer for me. Every thought is what about the kids. Will she make an effort... yes. However, most of the time it’s far from satisfying, has to be quiet, fast and secretive and then she wonders why I’m grumpy. 

In my case, sex isn’t on her mind that often anyways except during ovulation. Vacation is no different. We just did our first sans-kids getaway (Sunday night-Friday night). Got presented with a “week of lovin’ any time you want” coupon for our anniversary the morning we left. I was excited. This coupon expired 26 hours later as her period showed up when means she’s asexual and I go from husband to sibling. She abhors one-sided sexual encounters on or off her period (maybe 3 in 18 years) so yes lowering expectations in mandatory.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

aaarghdub said:


> I’ve just lowered by expectations commensurate with our relationship in general. She relaxes on vacation but that doesn’t translate into more sex. She doesn’t flirt or make sexual expressions in general. Anything more than once in a 96-hour period is met with “OMG again” regardless of the venue.
> 
> When we do family vacations it’s fun but I feel like I’m working as well, almost to the point where sometimes I feel like I’m watching them have a vacation. Driving, paying, coming up with a plan, putting out fires with the kids, etc. It’s all about what she and the kids wants to do. She’s in mom-mode most of the time either fretting about something or “let’s make memories” mode it’s a huge intimacy killer for me. Every thought is what about the kids. Will she make an effort... yes. However, most of the time it’s far from satisfying, has to be quiet, fast and secretive and then she wonders why I’m grumpy.
> 
> ...


Or.... you could either end the relationship, not go on vacations with her anymore, or decide to do what makes YOU happy on family vacations.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

My wife and I just returned from our family vacation and never had sex. In fact, almost every vacation we’ve ever taken has been without sex. The only exception is that rare overnight trip where it is just the two of us... in that case it’s mostly about sex. Family vacations for us are about entertaining kids and giving them some happy memories and experiences out of the house.... usually too tired and there is no time alone.

It’s funny though... I still anticipate and always hope for sex no matter what... I could have made a move this week and I think my wife would have agreed... just would have been weird with my 19 year old son on the other side of an RV door... yeah I just grabbed her close and made myself go to sleep.


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

I like to have sex when on vacation. It is nice to be able to do it somewhere different than our bed. It gets really boring have sex in the same way and in the same place after so many years. Some adventure is nice.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Arranging a vacation is a lot of work. Working in even one night that is removed from fatigue and tension, and that has an"organic" sex opportunity, is way too much labor for the return of a 30% chance of lukewarm unenthusiastic sex. If she catches a whiff of the work you do to make it look unplanned you will be lambasted for being transactional. 
Find a partner that enjoys and desires sex with you. Dump the chump that only tolerates your emotional needs.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i have heard COUNTLESS stories of how a couple plans a romantic vacation, and it gets ruined when one of them does not want sex.

I highly recommend that you go into it with LOW expectations. that way if something happens, great, you can build on that. If nothing sexual happens, well at least you got to see some touristy sites and relax a little.

Don't waste the thousands of dollars you spent on the vacation turn into a pouting session.
Fix the sexual dysfunction issues when you are back home.


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## rinnylong (Mar 10, 2020)

YES. Sex should be a given or sure on a vacation with just you and a spouse. Sadly mine feels differently, even on the honeymoon. When I plan a vacation, typically on a vacation of 7 days, I would like to have a sex 3 times on that vacation. For me, 10 day vacation is all about everything else, local food, tourist attractions, ANYTHING ELSE... but sex.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

When we go on vacation it is with the whole family, and we are usually in a tent or a single room. So vacations basically mean no sex. 
We have only had one vacation with just the two of us. It was for our anniversary. I rented a honeymoon suit in a nice little place looking over a snow covered frozen lake. I told her exactly what I planned to do and she went along with it. So yes, that one time did include more sex than normal.


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## Imagirl (Aug 17, 2020)

Hotel sex is the best sex. Window sex isn't so bad either.  We have great sex on vacation and if the kids are there we just have to figure out a place to run off to. I think every time we've gone away he's pulled me down when I'm laying on the bed and yanked my clothes off. Never expected, never any warning. And i love it. Maybe you can just catch her off guard and take what you want?


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## Lonelylife10 (Sep 1, 2020)

Vacation sex is the best sex especially at a relaxed beach resort...new environment, skinny dipping in the pool at night, sex on the balcony. Too bad I'm in a sexless marriage (certainly not by choice). I really miss those times.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

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I think unless you are going to an adult resort that is designed specific for sex-related vacation (nudity, topless pools, swinging) to get both of you in the mood, I would say sex is just normal like it would be at home. The people I know that go to those places do so for enhanced and more exciting sex while away from home. And not necessarily to have sex with others but just to have sex as PART of the vacation. i.e. they go there to have sex and not to sightsee, tour, etc. I have no experience going to them as the wife isn't into that. When we are on vacation, our sex frequency and quality is the same as at home.


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## serenity1989 (Sep 17, 2020)

It depends on how we go on vacation. If we are traveling with children then unfortunately we don't often have sex. However, if we are traveling together without children, we have sex every day. (maybe even more often) For example, the last time we flew to Costa Rica with my husband and it was an unforgettable vacation. We stayed in a wonderful hotel, with a variety of entertainment and most importantly we were just the two of us. Of course I really missed the children but sometimes I just want to be alone with my husband. We even decided when the quarantine ends, we will definitely go there with the children, because as I said, there is a lot of entertainment that children will definitely appreciate. I hope this company serves us as well as it did last year.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

I know this is an old thread but I wanted to weigh in on the subject. When we travel, we usually get on a plane to get someplace then spend all our time there, running around trying to see everything and do everything. So by the time we get to bed at night, we are exhausted. As a result, we have very little vacation sex. However, Covid has changed one thing for the positive. We are currently on vacation. Wanting to get out of the cold winter of our home state, we made arrangements to visit southern Florida. I wasn't comfortable with the idea of getting on a plane just yet so we drove the 1000 + miles over two days to our destination. Trying our best to distance ourselves from others, we have spent all our time relaxing at the beach or poolside. We are staying in a two-bedroom condo so we have lots of room. We will go out to eat in the evenings and everyone has been great, wearing masks and keeping distant. As a result, we are completely relaxed and enjoying ourselves. The best part, we have had sex every night, except one (and we made up for it by having sex twice the next day.) I brought along the toys so we are using them, doing massages, playing strip games, having window sex, in-room jacuzzi sex and bedroom sex. My wife turns 67 tomorrow and it's like we're on a honeymoon! Seriously not looking forward to going home. I need to start planning another trip before we return to our old vacation ways.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I like to have sex on vacation. Then again I like to have sex not on vacation. So I want to have sex every day whether I am on vacation or not.

On vacation specifically depending on the type of trip the main difference is I would try initiating in the morning instead of at night because I’d expect to be drunk and be a bad partner on a lot of the nights (last forever pounding away). Morning initiation is complicated because a lot of times wife wants to sleep and we’ll have activities to do on some type of clock. Also women’s T is lowest in the am.

So I would say based on how my vacations go I would think I have sex the same or less.

I know with kids the equation changes.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Whenever we visit and island, we have sex daily - I think it's because we're half-naked anyway. When my wife walks around in a bikini, one half of her bikini bottoms always seems to creep up her butt, I see it as an invitation...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

In my experience I have a lot less sex on vacations. That is because my loves vacationing and traveling. She wants to get u early and rush all day long. She loves trying different restaurants, but goes crazy trying to figure out which one and then what to order. She overwhelms herself. So much so that she is exhausted by the time we go to bed and then up in the morning not to miss anything. For us, vacation sex is horrible.

I have heard that cruise ship vacations might involve more sex. However, I have tried that and can't report an improvement for me and my wife. She refuses to go on cruises with lots of sea days and so each shore day is the get up early, see everything until the ship leaves port, then eat, then go to sleep.

I think vacation sex depends on who each of you is and the kind of vacation you take.

Now going to a famous wine region, staying at a winery and sampling lots of wines, having dinner at the winery, then going to bed has been the exception.

Good luck.


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## marriedfor27years (Oct 29, 2009)

i agree. my wife and i have been married 39 years. on family vacations with any part of the family no sex however when i book just her and me we have hotel sex. any sex is good but hotel sex is great.


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## 241happyhour (Jan 31, 2011)

Imagirl said:


> Hotel sex is the best sex. Window sex isn't so bad either.  We have great sex on vacation and if the kids are there we just have to figure out a place to run off to. I think every time we've gone away he's pulled me down when I'm laying on the bed and yanked my clothes off. Never expected, never any warning. And i love it. Maybe you can just catch her off guard and take what you want?


Exactly!


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## Hakimalmuftah (Oct 1, 2017)

Yep. We love getting away to hotels for as much sex as we can handle. She loves being able to scream as loud as she wants with no kids around. We got one of those credit cards that gives you hotel points plus a free night every year. We use the freebies mostly for our hotel getaways. Best credit card investment ever. 


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