# Can't make any sense from wife



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

An attempt was made to have sex last weekend but it wasn't by me. My wife's attempt was the strangest thing and confused me. I don't want to explain the details but let me explain it this way.

It was like she put a sign around her neck that said “I want to buy a car” (whether she really wanted to or not is another question) and went to a car dealer. She snuck in before the salesman showed up and went to a dark corner and faced the wall. After some time the salesman arrived, noticed her and approached her. He asked what was that around her neck and she said 'nothing'. The salesman glimpsed at it and saw what it was but decided not to act on it. She remained stood in the corner, face first, and after a few minutes of awkward silence, she started to leave the dealer and took her sign off. The salesman asked where she was going. She replied saying that he wasn't interested in selling her a car. He told her if she is going to wear a sign, show it to him and not to hide it and deny it. He also said he is always interested in selling a car but she complains of never having any money to buy one or is too tired to come in to test drive one.

The salesman wanted so much to make her buy a car but he manned up and wouldn’t allow his need for a sale interfere with good judgment. Nothing else was said and the salesman was expecting a complaint to be issued the next day.

The next morning she went back to see the salesman and gave him hope that she might buy one someday and that everything will be fine. Nothing else was spoken of it.

Anyway, she has not yet attempted to buy a car since.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

A sale lost is one you will never have. 

The salesmen sounds like he needs to do a refresher course on his selling techniques (and also get a hold of some night vision glasses so he doesn't miss another opportunity like this!).

It's pretty clear to me that by walking in to the shop with a sign around her neck the lady was opening herself up for a sale - the minute she walked in the door it was up to the salesman to spin his tail to get that sale. Sometimes people hide the fact that they want to buy a car because they might not feel confident in doing the negotiations, eventhough they really-really want the car.

Just wondering if the salesman consoled the lady with some form of encouragement of there being other opportunities after she chickened out from buying the car. Or whether he simply allowed her to leave the building. If he didn't, that could be why he didn't get a thank you note from her.


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## Camper (Feb 26, 2011)

Perhaps the salesman should do a little advertising himself. :smthumbup:


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I can't make heads or tails out of any of this.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

She wanted you to take her.

Um, I mean...

She wanted you to put her in the car and show her how it rides.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Oh, and she feels you rejected her.

ETA: I would really love to know what her signals were.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Scenario analysis:

She pretended she wanted to have sex in such a way that she could be utterly certain it wouldn't happen. This allows her to "claim" that you either rejected her or are totally clueless.

You really let her do this to you? No way would I tolerate it. I would say what I just wrote above and then do the silent stare down.




Hurra said:


> An attempt was made to have sex last weekend but it wasn't by me. My wife's attempt was the strangest thing and confused me. I don't want to explain the details but let me explain it this way.
> 
> It was like she put a sign around her neck that said “I want to buy a car” (whether she really wanted to or not is another question) and went to a car dealer. She snuck in before the salesman showed up and went to a dark corner and faced the wall. After some time the salesman arrived, noticed her and approached her. He asked what was that around her neck and she said 'nothing'. The salesman glimpsed at it and saw what it was but decided not to act on it. She remained stood in the corner, face first, and after a few minutes of awkward silence, she started to leave the dealer and took her sign off. The salesman asked where she was going. She replied saying that he wasn't interested in selling her a car. He told her if she is going to wear a sign, show it to him and not to hide it and deny it. He also said he is always interested in selling a car but she complains of never having any money to buy one or is too tired to come in to test drive one.
> 
> ...


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Mem explained it exactly. 

I am sorry for the dumb analogy. Basically, before bed while I got a shower, my wife got ready for and went to bed. Later when I followed, she looked to be asleep, under the blankets with the lights off. She was lying on her side facing away from me. I thought it was going to be another sexless night. I put my arm on her waist to go to sleep and felt she had lingerie on. She didn't respond at all. After a few minutes I asked what she had on and she replied nothing. Her tone was not positive at all. So I continued to lie there wondering what to make of this. This was not a way to get into the mood. This was not what I had in mind. So I didn't do anything. She eventually got up and changed back into regular PJs. I asked her why she changed and she said I didn't seem interested. That's when I got somewhat pissed off and told her in a few words we had problems with our sex life. 

I haven't seen my wife in lingerie in a long time. But if she is not going to do it right, then there is no point. It was pitch dark and let's face the facts; she was not interested nor in the mood.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

wow, thats BS

i think mem is right


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Hurra said:


> Mem explained it exactly.
> 
> I am sorry for the dumb analogy. Basically, before bed while I got a shower, my wife got ready for and went to bed. Later when I followed, she looked to be asleep, under the blankets with the lights off. She was lying on her side facing away from me. I thought it was going to be another sexless night. I put my arm on her waist to go to sleep and felt she had lingerie on. She didn't respond at all. After a few minutes I asked what she had on and she replied nothing. Her tone was not positive at all. So I continued to lie there wondering what to make of this. This was not a way to get into the mood. This was not what I had in mind. So I didn't do anything. She eventually got up and changed back into regular PJs. I asked her why she changed and she said I didn't seem interested. That's when I got somewhat pissed off and told her in a few words we had problems with our sex life.
> 
> I haven't seen my wife in lingerie in a long time. But if she is not going to do it right, then there is no point. It was pitch dark and let's face the facts; she was not interested nor in the mood.


Actually that was probably a brave move from her and probably took a lot of courage to do it. When a woman steps outside her comfort zone she really fears rejection. She was probably terrified her efforts would not be to your liking and you blew it!

What you should have done when she said nothing was say "It feels like something to me , and I want to see you", or just started touching and kissing her. 

When your wife presents herself to you in something sexy, you do not under any circumstances, just lie there. This is when women want men to be men.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Hurra said:


> Mem explained it exactly.
> 
> I am sorry for the dumb analogy. Basically, before bed while I got a shower, my wife got ready for and went to bed. Later when I followed, she looked to be asleep, under the blankets with the lights off. She was lying on her side facing away from me. I thought it was going to be another sexless night. I put my arm on her waist to go to sleep and felt she had lingerie on. She didn't respond at all. After a few minutes I asked what she had on and she replied nothing. Her tone was not positive at all. So I continued to lie there wondering what to make of this. This was not a way to get into the mood. This was not what I had in mind. So I didn't do anything. She eventually got up and changed back into regular PJs. I asked her why she changed and she said I didn't seem interested. That's when I got somewhat pissed off and told her in a few words we had problems with our sex life.
> 
> I haven't seen my wife in lingerie in a long time. But if she is not going to do it right, then there is no point. It was pitch dark and let's face the facts; she was not interested nor in the mood.


I thought your analogy was really good, and being a woman, I pretty much pictured this EXACT situation! I've done this, and didn't do it again because it was fruitless. Women do it all the time. Wear sexy panties to bed, or hug a little longer, without realizing men don't respond to those things or notice them all the time. I've learned now. I'm much more forward or flirtatious. 

It's hard to explain, and it isn't a game. She doesn't feel like you desire her. She wants you to, and she wants to have sex with you, but she fears rejection and doesn't feel open enough to discuss sex with you. She was hoping it would go like this...You come to bed and put your arm around her. You don't ask about it, you take it as a sign. You start feeling her and kissing her and completely coming onto her, because that's what she wanted without words. Without you questioning it. Without her explaining it. Kind of like a mind reader bit. She wanted you to take her. She felt rejected because you questioned her about it and darnit, she didn't want to explain that she wanted you to take her. And my advice. Don't discuss this. Don't bring it up. I would definitely test the waters today and say something like, "I really liked what you had on last night, it just surprised me and confused me. I'd love to see you in that again." But don't get into a discussion about what happened and why.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> I thought your analogy was really good, and being a woman, I pretty much pictured this EXACT situation! I've done this, and didn't do it again because it was fruitless. Women do it all the time. Wear sexy panties to bed, or hug a little longer, without realizing men don't respond to those things or notice them all the time. I've learned now. I'm much more forward or flirtatious.
> 
> It's hard to explain, and it isn't a game. She doesn't feel like you desire her. She wants you to, and she wants to have sex with you, but she fears rejection and doesn't feel open enough to discuss sex with you. She was hoping it would go like this...You come to bed and put your arm around her. You don't ask about it, you take it as a sign. You start feeling her and kissing her and completely coming onto her, because that's what she wanted without words. Without you questioning it. Without her explaining it. Kind of like a mind reader bit. She wanted you to take her. She felt rejected because you questioned her about it and darnit, she didn't want to explain that she wanted you to take her. And my advice. Don't discuss this. Don't bring it up. I would definitely test the waters today and say something like, "I really liked what you had on last night, it just surprised me and confused me. I'd love to see you in that again." But don't get into a discussion about what happened and why.


the problem with this is sex is always on her terms then. the last part of this is good advise

I would say I feel like I dropped the ball last night could you please put that sexy thing on again I,d love to see your sexy body and sexy attitude and then encourage her when she dose it even ask her to turn around so you can see her sexy ass then ask her to feel how hard your jigger is and tell her you still do it for me after all thease years. Your like fine wine just keep getting better and better with age. then bang her and even try to cum as fast as you can. Then tell her you couldn't help it her sexy attitude put you over the edge and then finish her off with some amazing oral.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Why is it when a woman refuses sex, it's because she's too tired, not in the mood, or she really doesn't want to and is standing up for herself. 
If a man refuses sex, then he's a cold, uncaring jerk and deserves to be punished in some way.
It's the double standard.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Hurra said:


> Mem explained it exactly.
> 
> I am sorry for the dumb analogy. Basically, before bed while I got a shower, my wife got ready for and went to bed. Later when I followed, she looked to be asleep, under the blankets with the lights off. She was lying on her side facing away from me. I thought it was going to be another sexless night. I put my arm on her waist to go to sleep and felt she had lingerie on. She didn't respond at all. After a few minutes I asked what she had on and she replied nothing. Her tone was not positive at all. So I continued to lie there wondering what to make of this. This was not a way to get into the mood. This was not what I had in mind. So I didn't do anything. She eventually got up and changed back into regular PJs. I asked her why she changed and she said I didn't seem interested. That's when I got somewhat pissed off and told her in a few words we had problems with our sex life.
> 
> I haven't seen my wife in lingerie in a long time. But if she is not going to do it right, then there is no point. It was pitch dark and let's face the facts; she was not interested nor in the mood.


Speaking as someone who used to be incredibly shy, for me that would have (way back when) been an incredibly bold move for me. Then I would have been waiting for a move from you to indicate that what I was doing was a good idea and that you were interested, then I would have done more. I was always afraid of being rejected, and if I'd been in her position and you had done that, I would have changed, too. And then you tell her there are problems with your sex life, and if she was already feeling rejected, that only made it worse. 

Now, understanding that you were frustrated at the time, I can see why you would say what you said. But if you try to look at it from her perspective, I think you'll be able to see that it might not have been the best way to handle it. 

I would apologize for not handling it in the best way, and then explain that you didn't realize what she was doing, and that you need more clear signals to indicate she's in the mood. Maybe agree on some rules for how you will let her know if you're NOT in the mood, and that unless you do that, that you will not reject her. And then, don't reject her. The more she makes a move, even if it's subtle or doesn't seem like a move, and doesn't get rejected, the more comfortable she'll become. 

Of course, I could be totally off base here. I only know that that was why I did things like that. And of course, I also had a major jerk for a husband, so that made things worse for me.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My wife goes to bed in sweatpants, socks, t-shirt, hoodie. I would be shocked as hell if she were any different even once. Thankfully she's always crabby in a bad mood at bed time, so it's never really an issue either way.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> I thought your analogy was really good, and being a woman, I pretty much pictured this EXACT situation! I've done this, and didn't do it again because it was fruitless. Women do it all the time. Wear sexy panties to bed, or hug a little longer, without realizing men don't respond to those things or notice them all the time. I've learned now. I'm much more forward or flirtatious.
> 
> It's hard to explain, and it isn't a game. She doesn't feel like you desire her. She wants you to, and she wants to have sex with you, but she fears rejection and doesn't feel open enough to discuss sex with you. She was hoping it would go like this...You come to bed and put your arm around her. You don't ask about it, you take it as a sign. You start feeling her and kissing her and completely coming onto her, because that's what she wanted without words. Without you questioning it. Without her explaining it. Kind of like a mind reader bit. She wanted you to take her. She felt rejected because you questioned her about it and darnit, she didn't want to explain that she wanted you to take her. And my advice. Don't discuss this. Don't bring it up. I would definitely test the waters today and say something like, "I really liked what you had on last night, it just surprised me and confused me. I'd love to see you in that again." But don't get into a discussion about what happened and why.


:scratchhead: Wait... you usually reject the man and then expect the guy to read your mind that you want him? Come on. That seems a bit absurd. 
Even if you are shy, make it a bit more clear than lying in bed with lingerie, under covers to a man who almost does not expect sex on his term anymore.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Draguna said:


> :scratchhead: Wait... you usually reject the man and then expect the guy to read your mind that you want him? Come on. That seems a bit absurd.
> Even if you are shy, make it a bit more clear than lying in bed with lingerie, under covers to a man who almost does not expect sex on his term anymore.


I never said I reject MY husband. Actually, in 14 years together, I've NEVER rejected him. It's more about being shy and taking a risk, though it doesn't look that way on the outside. If you haven't been there, it's hard to understand. I'm not there anymore. But I'd do this in those times where we weren't as connected, life got in the way, complacent marriage, etc.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Maybe your wife has this (fairly common) female notion that if a man truly loves her he will naturally read her mind and/or be willing to suffer at length in the pursuit of her. Doing so apparently proves his devotion to her. I suppose that since dragons are scarce, the alternative is to compel one's man to endure trials of one's own own creation in order to win the prize. If she seriously wanted to have sex, she knows very well how to communicate her wishes. She wanted you to jump through some flaming hoops.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I guess I don't know the dynamics of your marriage. I am in one where I get rejected often. But occasionally my wife will put on lingerie and climb into bed. 

When I reach over to her and notice, I know there will be no 'jumping through flaming hoops'. I know that the game is on. I love it when she does this as I know it is her way of initiating.

I often wonder what would happen if I didn't reach out to her. Would she just go to sleep with the lingerie on, get up and change, or approach me?


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> I never said I reject MY husband. Actually, in 14 years together, I've NEVER rejected him. It's more about being shy and taking a risk, though it doesn't look that way on the outside. If you haven't been there, it's hard to understand. I'm not there anymore. But I'd do this in those times where we weren't as connected, life got in the way, complacent marriage, etc.


Sorry, was meant as something for the OP. Not against you. You said she might fear rejection so he should just know to go in. I meant to say that that is crazy to expect from someone who has been rejected a few times before. I'd say she should read his mind and know that he won't just jump in because she may or may not be in the mood.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Draguna said:


> Sorry, was meant as something for the OP. Not against you. You said she might fear rejection so he should just know to go in. I meant to say that that is crazy to expect from someone who has been rejected a few times before. I'd say she should read his mind and know that he won't just jump in because she may or may not be in the mood.


No prob. I don't get that whole thing where women deny their husbands and then expect them to be ready and willing when they want it. It's a two way street.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I think Mem is wrong on this one. She sent you a clear message and instead of getting a hard on and rubbing it up against her bum, you asked her a mood killer..."Hey what are you wearing?"

I wouldn't do what she did but if I were in her shoes and did what she did and you asked your question, I would have responded, "Are you f'ing retarded?!"

I guess you can tell from my response why I'd never be in her position as I'm a little forward but I think she was clearly sending you a message and wanted you to quietly return the message. I don't think she was doing this so that she could hold it over your head. I really don't.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Well, now you know what the rules are. To your wife, wearing lingerie is a clear sign that she wants (or at least is willing) to have sex. Next time you reach over and feel lingerie, you'll know the deck is clear for landing.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Well, now you know what the rules are. To your wife, wearing lingerie is a clear sign that she wants (or at least is willing) to have sex. Next time you reach over and feel lingerie, you'll know the deck is clear for landing.


Exactly, it's not about being a mind reader, as surely that message was loud and clear.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Absolutely, Syrum & unbelievable...totally agree. It's like she came with a big wad of cash to the car dealership with a sign that said, "I want to buy a car please!" but the salesman thought it was too good to be true and screwed it up by saying, "Why would you ever want to buy a car from here?!"


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Is turning away from you the new sign for anal? I think I saw that on NatGeo.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Is turning away from you the new sign for anal? I think I saw that on NatGeo.


I don't know. Is grabbing a woman by the head while getting a BJ the new sign that you want to have your penis bitten? I saw that on ManHunters.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Trenton said:


> I don't know. Is grabbing a woman by the head while getting a BJ the new sign that you want to have your penis bitten? I saw that on ManHunters.


Well usually you have to pay more for that, I imagine. In either case women, or men, who intentionally obfuscate their own intentions have some other agenda in their head. Most people aren't retarded but they can play one when they want.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Well usually you have to pay more for that, I imagine. In either case women, or men, who intentionally obfuscate their own intentions have some other agenda in their head. Most people aren't retarded but they can play one when they want.


Yes, I play one on TAM all the time.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Trenton said:


> Absolutely, Syrum & unbelievable...totally agree. It's like she came with a big wad of cash to the car dealership with a sign that said, "I want to buy a car please!" but the salesman thought it was too good to be true and screwed it up by saying, "Why would you ever want to buy a car from here?!"


Nah, what she did was come in in her expensive clothes, check around and hope that the salesman would talk her into buying a car. The salesman has seen the woman around before and is usually not even remotely interested in buying a car. So he asked her: "Hey, what are you doing here, normally you don't even bother looking at me when I try talking to you."

She then left offended because well, didn't she have a right to have a car sold to her?

Sure, now he might know that when she wears her expensive clothing she wants to buy a car, but how in heaven's name was he supposed to know that beforehand?


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Draguna said:


> Nah, what she did was come in in her expensive clothes, check around and hope that the salesman would talk her into buying a car. The salesman has seen the woman around before and is usually not even remotely interested in buying a car. So he asked her: "Hey, what are you doing here, normally you don't even bother looking at me when I try talking to you."
> 
> She then left offended because well, didn't she have a right to have a car sold to her?
> 
> Sure, now he might know that when she wears her expensive clothing she wants to buy a car, but how in heaven's name was he supposed to know that beforehand?


Those of you who think I messed up or didn't take advantage of the situation, point taken. But prior marriage she didn't seem to mind parading around in lingerie. She was also more open to sex. But now she is closed. I get rejected even before initiating. And when we do hav sex i do all the touching, foreplay, etc. I have to side with Mem and Draguna. Her motives were not clear. Given her reputation, how am I suppose to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

You weren't...that is why we are telling you now. You're not bad for not knowing.

On behalf of your wife, I'm sorry. I'm sorry we are so complicated and want you to know what we want. I'm sorry that we were hot all the time in the beginning of the relationship and now you view us as a frigid, cold ice queen. I'm sorry I want my mind read (signals read). I'm sorry for all the rejection you've received.

I can relate to your wife. I have done that EXACT frickin' thing! 

She is trying!!! That is such a good sign! 

Have you done any "manning up" stuff to up your sex appeal?

Since joining TAM I have learned why I do this stuff. I really, really need my husband to take me or dominate me sexually. If you are a very gentle lover maybe try a firm touch....especially if she tends to be ticklish or start falling asleep during foreplay rather than getting hot.

Another horrible secret I just learned about myself....I don't always mean no when I say no. I am horrified by this! But, I cannot stand that my husband is asking for sex to begin with. I am trying not to say no, but it comes almost automatic. However, if my husband will pounce on me and start mauling me playfully or order me to take off my shirt or grab my legs and pull me the edge of the bed or something....it is so on!

Oh, it looks like I have some other things in common with your wife, too. I'll see if I can come up with some other ideas for you later. Obviously, your milage may vary, but what have you got to lose?


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Hurra, I have been reading your posts to get a better feel for your situation. I came across one of your posts that I think is really important.



> I will admit I have tried the dreaded conservation. I've asked her why she doesn't do anything but lie there, or why she doesn't touch me and so on. She just tells me to tell her what I want her to do. She shouldn't be asking. She knew what to do before marriage and I don't want to tell my wife how to love me and make me feel good. So that conservation ended not so good.


This is no easy thing...sex and love. It is gonna take you guys time to get the train back on course.

But, it looks like you want her to read your mind or just know what you need to feel loved when you know that that is just not possible. Obviously neither of you are mind readers and both of you are a little lost on eachothers signals. 

I also want to remind you that she is not the only one who has changed. You are not sending her the same sexual signals you did earlier in the relationship. If you were she would still be strutting the lingerie.

When she says she wants you to tell her what to do that is her telling you to take the initiative in the sex department. I know men want their wives to initiate, but she isn't going to do it your way anyway. Her way of initiating is wearing lingerie or nothing all snuggled down in the covers in the dark. Her way is different because she is NOT horny, but she wants to be. You need to try to not take offense...she needs you to get her there. Take it as a compliment. She isn't hiding the key to the treasure chest. You are the key!

I am rooting for you guys. I have so much hope that you can get this turned around with some effort.

ETA: She just lies there for a couple reasons (I think). One is that she wants to be the passive one in sex and you are very gentle/passive. Two is that she is not hot or horny or turned on. They go hand in hand and can be resolved by you being more sexually aggressive/appealing.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Hurra said:


> Those of you who think I messed up or didn't take advantage of the situation, point taken. But prior marriage she didn't seem to mind parading around in lingerie. She was also more open to sex. But now she is closed. I get rejected even before initiating. And when we do hav sex i do all the touching, foreplay, etc. I have to side with Mem and Draguna. Her motives were not clear. Given her reputation, how am I suppose to know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well then, Dear Sir, neither one of you will get what you want. That will not lead you to any place special.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Thanks notaname for your time and replies. You make some good points. I will keep it mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Hurra,
Have you ever been physically or sexually "playfully aggressive" with your W? How did she respond? 

You ever talk to her with an "edge" in your voice? I don't mean a whiny complaining edge. I mean a commanding edge? 

I think she needs some edge/playfull aggression to feel desire. 

I would never and have never "hit" my W which is why she feels totally safe playing with me.

I am curious, when you and your W argue, who approaches who first to "reconcile"? You seem either afraid or intimidated of your W. If that is true you need to accept that and fix it. An intimidated male is a HUGE turn off for a woman. 



Hurra said:


> Thanks notaname for your time and replies. You make some good points. I will keep it mind.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

She wants passion, and a man to take charge. Take control.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Hurra,

Next time you go to bed, put on her lingerie and start jerking off. When she asks what you're doing, reply "Nothing", but don't stop or slow down - no matter how many times she asks. When you're done, just get up, change and go to bed.

I don't really have a point - I'm tired and its 4:30 on a Friday...


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Hurra,
> 
> Next time you go to bed, put on her lingerie and start jerking off. When she asks what you're doing, reply "Nothing", but don't stop or slow down - no matter how many times she asks. When you're done, just get up, change and go to bed.
> 
> I don't really have a point - I'm tired and its 4:30 on a Friday...


:rofl: Yeah, not sure what that point would be but OMG the visual was hilarious. I do think you've lost it niceguy!


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

OMG, I can't stop laughing. And it is so late now. Aaahhhhhh... Hate you NG.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Hurra,
> 
> Next time you go to bed, put on her lingerie and start jerking off. When she asks what you're doing, reply "Nothing", but don't stop or slow down - no matter how many times she asks. When you're done, just get up, change and go to bed.
> 
> I don't really have a point - I'm tired and its 4:30 on a Friday...


I'm going to do that tonight and see what happens.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Trenton said:


> I'm going to do that tonight and see what happens.


Report back and let us know. I would hate to think that I've given someone bad advice...just because I was bored on a Friday afternoon.

But to be serious for a second - two views that both make sense - only the OP's wife really knows what she was doing.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Report back and let us know. I would hate to think that I've given someone bad advice...just because I was bored on a Friday afternoon.
> 
> But to be serious for a second - two views that both make sense - only the OP's wife really knows what she was doing.


It worked brilliantly. Although he didn't ask what I was doing at any point but rather chose to join in. I could have seen that one coming (no pun here for the sake of it being far too easy to add).

On a more serious note for more than a second even, one of the main viewpoints is presented by women, which I think should be given greater weight since the person behaving a certain way in this case is a woman.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Hurra,
> Have you ever been physically or sexually "playfully aggressive" with your W? How did she respond?
> 
> You ever talk to her with an "edge" in your voice? I don't mean a whiny complaining edge. I mean a commanding edge?
> ...


I cannot stop agreeing with you. 100% correct , at least in my case.

A real man knows when he's messed up, is not afraid to admit it and fixes it!


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> Hurra,
> Have you ever been physically or sexually "playfully aggressive" with your W? How did she respond?
> 
> You ever talk to her with an "edge" in your voice? I don't mean a whiny complaining edge. I mean a commanding edge?
> ...


Answer #1: it is a mix of responses. Mostly unwilling but if she is willing, she is nervous and out of her comfort zone. Again, she was more open to this before marriage.

Answer 2: Mostly her to reconcile. Although lately I am trying to grow a pair and not take things lying down or try and tell it like it is.

@nice777: That was funny. I'll give you that.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Try to get her into a tickle fight, or a playful wrestling match. Leave sex out of it. Just pure fun. Wrestling match is best. Delayed reaction to that may be desire. 

Does she drink alcohol




Hurra said:


> Answer #1: it is a mix of responses. Mostly unwilling but if she is willing, she is nervous and out of her comfort zone. Again, she was more open to this before marriage.
> 
> Answer 2: Mostly her to reconcile. Although lately I am trying to grow a pair and not take things lying down or try and tell it like it is.
> 
> @nice777: That was funny. I'll give you that.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Some women don't feel comfortable initiating sex, so they put out silent signals. Men aren't usually good with reading covert signs.
The wife who wears lingerie to bed is screaming for sex, without saying a word. She's probably shy and feels insecure about her desires. Her husband can let her know that he finds her sexy in her bedroom outfits; lots of compliments and affection.
Why not celebrate a sweet and quiet way of being sexy, rather than worsening the insecurities with rejection?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So what signal is my jogging suit and hoodie wearing wife sending out? Let's do a 10K?


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> Try to get her into a tickle fight, or a playful wrestling match. Leave sex out of it. Just pure fun. Wrestling match is best. Delayed reaction to that may be desire.
> 
> Does she drink alcohol


She has the occasional drink but it makes her even more sleepy. :-(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daison (Mar 3, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> So what signal is my jogging suit and hoodie wearing wife sending out? Let's do a 10K?


Pretty sureyou know the answer to your own question 

I've done this same thing as my husband. We had a SUPER SLOW sex life for a long time and it seemed like the less we did it, the harder it was to initiate it. Just be sensitive, but like others have said - be forward about what you want, that's what I was craving  Lingerie is a good clue that she's "thinking" about you. I would wiggle my butt into his crotch or otherwise get closer to him if I was interested also.

I've now found out that there are much faster ways to get to the point lol


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Can you provoke a tickle fight/wrestling match?

Are you in good shape?




Hurra said:


> She has the occasional drink but it makes her even more sleepy. :-(
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caspari (Sep 3, 2011)

The thing is, women as they get older, are more and more sensitive about how they look. My husband (bless him!) doesn't see these things, but I do. My knees are kind of sagging. My boobs are not in the same place as they were when I was younger - they are a lot lower down. I have cellulite. I have UAD (under arm dingle dangle)I have muffin tops. My face looks frumpy. I could go on and on and on. The thing is that this makes it increasingly harder to put on sexy lingerie, and stride boldly around in it. When I look in the mirror, I think the kindest thing I can do for that woman is to cover her up. (My husband disagrees 
But if a woman has put on lingerie, and doesn't seem to be as enthusiastic as she once was, the reason is probably that she is lying there thinking that she is kind of a train wreck, compared to the women she sees in magazine pictures. Have mercy on her.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Getting into a woman's mind is a mind boggling endeavor. But if you ever figure it out, the pay off is massive!

Think about this one.

Man's desire is for the woman
Woman's desire is for the desire of the man!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> So what signal is my jogging suit and hoodie wearing wife sending out? Let's do a 10K?



When wearing it to bed? 

You need to move to a much warmer climate.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

aug said:


> When wearing it to bed?
> 
> You need to move to a much warmer climate.



I live in Central North Carolina. Hotter/more humid would be Apocalypse Now.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I live in Central North Carolina. Hotter/more humid would be Apocalypse Now.


"I wanted a mission, and for my sins, they gave me one..."

Sorry!


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

Stonewall said:


> Getting into a woman's mind is a mind boggling endeavor. But if you ever figure it out, the pay off is massive!
> 
> Think about this one.
> 
> ...


Truest words ever spoken.

Women don't want sex. Women want their man to want to have sex with them. Basicly.

That's why it's unheard of that a woman initiates sex(the way a man does it), if the woman has to be direct and openly make it clear she wants sex.... then the sex would be pointless anyway because it's not really the sex she wants. She just wants the man to want to have sex with her so she can feel desired.

That's why they only give subtle hints in hopes that the man will pursue her.

Women don't like having sex. Women like being pursued and chased.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Why is it when a woman refuses sex, it's because she's too tired, not in the mood, or she really doesn't want to and is standing up for herself.
> If a man refuses sex, then he's a cold, uncaring jerk and deserves to be punished in some way.
> It's the double standard.


Good point F-102 but in this case I don't think there was a refusal. Had he read the signals he would have dove right in for some fun. 
BTW I've been refused or pushed away and the thoughts circling in my head at the time are not that my H is a cold uncaring jerk but instead I'm thinking "Why doesn't he want me? What is wrong with me?


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Brian. said:


> Truest words ever spoken.
> 
> Women don't want sex. Women want their man to want to have sex with them. Basicly.
> 
> ...


Brian...this is partly true I suppose but I find that more than desiring sex or the desire to be desired, my pay off is intimacy. An orgasm...great! Knowing your husband wants you...terriffic! Connecting one on one with all of your senses, looking into each others eyes, seeing your love for each other mirrored there and every sense awakened...there's nothing like it.


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## piqued (Mar 25, 2010)

Syrum said:


> Actually that was probably a brave move from her and probably took a lot of courage to do it. When a woman steps outside her comfort zone she really fears rejection. She was probably terrified her efforts would not be to your liking and you blew it!
> 
> What you should have done when she said nothing was say "It feels like something to me , and I want to see you", or just started touching and kissing her.
> 
> *When your wife presents herself to you in something sexy, you do not under any circumstances, just lie there. This is when women want men to be men*.


:iagree: yup


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## kelevra (May 19, 2011)

If there is even the remote hint of desire go for it, at least to satisfy yourself. And if she doesn't reject hit it like there's no tomorrow, give her something she won't forget bro. At least she'll know YOUR interested even if she isn't always and you'll sleep better.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

notaname said:


> Oh, and she feels you rejected her.
> 
> ETA: I would really love to know what her signals were.


Yes this... my husband often complained that I never initiated anything and/or I never wanted it, but then when I'd put myself out there and try, he'd reject me-- I don't know, trying to teach me a lesson, or get back at me? Either way, it only made us further apart as I am very very leary now of trying again.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Syrum said:


> Actually that was probably a brave move from her and probably took a lot of courage to do it. When a woman steps outside her comfort zone she really fears rejection. She was probably terrified her efforts would not be to your liking and you blew it!
> 
> What you should have done when she said nothing was say "It feels like something to me , and I want to see you", or just started touching and kissing her.
> 
> When your wife presents herself to you in something sexy, you do not under any circumstances, just lie there. This is when women want men to be men.


YES!


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

caspari said:


> The thing is, women as they get older, are more and more sensitive about how they look. My husband (bless him!) doesn't see these things, but I do. My knees are kind of sagging. My boobs are not in the same place as they were when I was younger - they are a lot lower down. I have cellulite. I have UAD (under arm dingle dangle)I have muffin tops. My face looks frumpy. I could go on and on and on. The thing is that this makes it increasingly harder to put on sexy lingerie, and stride boldly around in it. When I look in the mirror, I think the kindest thing I can do for that woman is to cover her up. (My husband disagrees
> But if a woman has put on lingerie, and doesn't seem to be as enthusiastic as she once was, the reason is probably that she is lying there thinking that she is kind of a train wreck, compared to the women she sees in magazine pictures. Have mercy on her.


This is so true! And my husband spent years pointing it out to me (saying he is just playing) but it is hard for me and I have taken it to heart and my sexual confidence is down for it.


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> Yes this... my husband often complained that I never initiated anything and/or I never wanted it, but then when I'd put myself out there and try, he'd reject me-- I don't know, trying to teach me a lesson, or get back at me? Either way, it only made us further apart as I am very very leary now of trying again.


In the OP's case. His wife wasn't rejected because she never actually initiated anything.

If the woman is indirect and sends mixed signals(like the OP's wife) it's not really initiating to begin with.

If she had initiated the same way a man would she wouldn't have been rejected, but if she somehow was *then* it would count as rejection.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Brian. said:


> In the OP's case. His wife wasn't rejected because she never actually initiated anything.
> 
> If the woman is indirect and sends mixed signals(like the OP's wife) it's not really initiating to begin with.
> 
> If she had initiated the same way a man would she wouldn't have been rejected, but if she somehow was *then* it would count as rejection.


Are you kidding? A woman has to initiate the way a MAN would or it doesn't COUNT? I completely disagree, what other reason would a woman put on LINGIRIE? That was initiating, there was nothing mixed about that signal-- even in the original post he says she was wearing a sign! She wanted him to make love to her, not ask her what she was doing??


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> Are you kidding? A woman has to initiate the way a MAN would or it doesn't COUNT? I completely disagree, what other reason would a woman put on LINGIRIE? That was initiating, there was nothing mixed about that signal-- even in the original post he says she was wearing a sign! She wanted him to make love to her, not ask her what she was doing??


If a man did something similar. Nobody would consider it initiating.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Brian. said:


> If a man did something similar. Nobody would consider it initiating.


But she isn't a man... does a man want another man?? Good grief

The point is that she wants him to act like a man, she is acting like a woman. Many women give subtle signals... even though IMO this one wasn't all THAT subtle. 

Not that I am one to listen to I suppose... not going so well around here these days! Of course, when I tried to tell my husband that standing in front of me and dropping his pants expecting me to service him up didn't turn me on, he got mad at me and stopped doing anything at all.


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> But she isn't a man... does a man want another man?? Good grief


Women and men should be held to the same standards. 

Most men would like to feel that their wifes actually want them and have an intrest in having sex with them.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Brian. said:


> Women and men should be held to the same standards.
> 
> Most men would like to feel that their wifes actually want them and have an intrest in having sex with them.


Who is talking about standards? Women and men think and act differently which is why we are attracted to each other. If I wanted someone who acted and thought just like me, I guess I'd go out with another woman. It is sexy to us women for men to be men and take us! It seems to me putting on sexy lingirie said she WAS interested in having sex with him.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I love the subtle signals from my W. I generally do not want her to act like I do. And lingerie - which is great stuff - if you miss that as the man you need way more help than can be offered via an internet advice site. 




lisa3girls said:


> But she isn't a man... does a man want another man?? Good grief
> 
> The point is that she wants him to act like a man, she is acting like a woman. Many women give subtle signals... even though IMO this one wasn't all THAT subtle.
> 
> Not that I am one to listen to I suppose... not going so well around here these days! Of course, when I tried to tell my husband that standing in front of me and dropping his pants expecting me to service him up didn't turn me on, he got mad at me and stopped doing anything at all.


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> Who is talking about standards? Women and men think and act differently which is why we are attracted to each other. If I wanted someone who acted and thought just like me, I guess I'd go out with another woman. *It is sexy to us women for men to be men and take us! *It seems to me putting on sexy lingirie said she WAS interested in having sex with him.


Maybe so. I'd have less of an issue if women stopped claiming they initiate(when they don't)

The one who initiates per defenition is the one who starts it(makes the first move) and that is the man.

Being passive and giving signals isn't initiating no matter how obvious the signals are. You are still not the one making the first move and therefore not the one initiating.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Brian,
If a woman puts on a negligee and the man does not "initiate" do you think she feels rejected? 






Brian. said:


> Maybe so. I'd have less of an issue if women stopped claiming they initiate(when they don't)
> 
> The one who initiates per defenition is the one who starts it(makes the first move) and that is the man.
> 
> Being passive and giving signals isn't initiating no matter how obvious the signals are. You are still not the one making the first move and therefore not the one initiating.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Brian. said:


> Maybe so. I'd have less of an issue if women stopped claiming they initiate(when they don't)
> 
> The one who initiates per defenition is the one who starts it(makes the first move) and that is the man.
> 
> Being passive and giving signals isn't initiating no matter how obvious the signals are. You are still not the one making the first move and therefore not the one initiating.


The first move?? Meaning what exactly? 

Putting on lingirie isn't making the first move? Or does it only count as the first move if you touch someone-- or does my husbands pants drop count as the first move? She WAS making a move-- like someone else said, if putting on lingirie isn't a signal, wow, more help is needed than we can give here.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Brian,
> If a woman puts on a negligee and the man does not "initiate" do you think she feels rejected?


I know I would. I remember one time I met my husband not wearing any panties, and told him so. He didn't do anything in response and I felt quite rejected... I put myself OUT there, and nothing.


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> The first move?? Meaning what exactly?
> 
> Putting on lingirie isn't making the first move? Or does it only count as the first move if you touch someone-- or does my husbands pants drop count as the first move? She WAS making a move-- like someone else said,* if putting on lingirie isn't a signal, wow, more help is needed than we can give *here.


It IS a signal but it's NOT initiating.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Brian. said:


> It IS a signal but it's NOT initiating.


I guess you will have to define initiating for me then. :scratchhead:


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I guess you will have to define initiating for me then. :scratchhead:


Making the first move. By touch or verbally idk.

If you give signals and he then starts touching you or kissing you... HE made the first move and initiated. Because he actually started the sex.

Giving signlas and initiating are two complete different things.

And initiating should be the same for men and women, you can't change the meaning of initiating when it's a woman. Because then it's a different thing.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Brian. said:


> Making the first move. By touch or verbally idk.
> 
> If you give signals and he then starts touching you or kissing you... HE made the first move and initiated. Because he actually started the sex.
> 
> ...


Honest question-- what difference does it make? If a man says he wants sex and a woman says no, he feels rejected. If a woman shows a man she wants sex (by for example wearing lingirie or letting him know she just showed up with no panties) and he doesn't take the bait, she feels rejected. That is the point isn't it?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Wearing lingerie is initiating. Rolling over and facing the other way isn't very sexy though. A man wants his wife to put on lingerie, but also show interest.

It isn't about touching or wearing sexy clothes, it is about attitude. She could reach over and start masturbating him, but read a book at the same time. This might be initiating, but it isn't what he is looking for.

Finding out my wife isn't wearing panties is exciting. But having my wife tell me she isn't wearing panties would be more exciting and would definitely be initiating.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> Wearing lingerie is initiating. Rolling over and facing the other way isn't very sexy though. A man wants his wife to put on lingerie, but also show interest.
> 
> .


I would agree with that not being very sexy... but if the wife has trouble with confidence, it is a start. And maybe with a positive response from hubby, the next time will be better. I sympathize with feeling older, saggy and just not that attractive like when I was young.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> It isn't about touching or wearing sexy clothes, it is about attitude.


THIS!!! It's less about WHAT someone does and more HOW it's done, in the sense of the other person is in no doubt at all as to WHY someone has done a certain thing. Someone can put on lingerie (example used here) and the other person doesn't know (necessarily) whether it's because the wearer wants to feel good about themself, or because they want to roger the other person's brains out. How they show/tell the other about the lingerie, their attitude, is the key.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

initiate like those wild women on desperate housewives do, jump and hump


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

yeah, the "signal" thing kinda tells me "hey, if you want some i am available, but im not really interested enough to come onto you"


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> yeah, the "signal" thing kinda tells me "hey, if you want some i am available, but im not really interested enough to come onto you"


I think what it all comes down to is that women just don't like sex enough to come onto a man like that.

Men have higher sex drives = more direct, takes the initiative

Women have lower sex drives = just gives signals, is passive


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

In a healthy relationship a woman wearing lingurie can be considered initiaiting. Not so much in a relationship where she has constanly rejected the man. You can't expect a man to "be a man" , as has been said by a few ladies, when you have broken him and he lives in fear of that pain in his gut he gets when he's turned down by his wife.


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## larryH (Sep 9, 2011)

Sex is really an important part between married couples and that is a hot issue nowadays. Comedian Rodney Dangerfield once said, “My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!” In fact, there was this case wherein Frenchman ordered to pay ex for lack of sex by a judge in the French area of Aix-en-Provence determined the male had to repay his ex $14,000 for insufficient sex over their 21-year marriage. Such was the lawsuit for a French couple in a sexless relationship, reports The Telegraph. This is just a proof that sex really matters in a relationship between couples.


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