# Unconventional new relationship



## MondayMorning (Nov 5, 2015)

Hello everybody and thanks in advance for listening.

I'm 34 years old and am in a new relationship (2.5 months) with a man I have known for a little while. I know a lot of relationships start of all wonderful and easy at the start and get more complicated but I feel like I am in one which is working backwards!

When we first met, he was very interested in dating me, but I had serious reservations and did not find him attractive, although I thought he was nice. 

He has a job that requires him to be frequently away with a very unpredicatable schedule and he lives also a little distance from me that makes it hard to see each other or build a life together. He asked me for just one drink, as he felt sure we would get on, but I was not expecting to feel anything for him - if anything he seemed not my type at all! Too quiet! Too serious!

Anyway, I went on that date and it was a really great date. We talked to easily, got on so well and I really didn't want to go home. Last time I felt like that on a date must have been 7 years ago. And the kiss at the end...WOW! 

So for a couple of weeks we were hot and heavy, constantly messaging, seeing each other when we could and he was asking me to meet his friends and all that stuff. He was excited. I was more panicky. I knew I really liked him, but I've been hurt before and have a tendency to push people away when I like them, so I let him know that due to his work issues and the distance that a long term relationship was off the table for sure for me.

Understandably, he pulled back a little over time. We messaged less, saw each other less and somewhere in that process a lightbulb when off and I realised I wanted to be with him and to give it a shot.

At this point, I felt vulnerable and scared and obviously he did a little too so we ended up both pulling away, both playing hard to get, both being too guarded and it almost blew us up before we began. We actualy split three times (each time it was me) in the space of a few weeks. It was very volatile from my side, but he was a calming influence and he could see I was just worried and he tried to calm my fears.

In the end he pretty much told me he liked me a heck of a lot, much more than he'd even expected and he was scared to fall for me due to all the complications and not being able to offer me a stable lifestyle or full relationship (as he sees one) from the outset.

So here we are, and I have battled by own insecurity to find the courage to talk more openly and directly to him (hinting does NOT work with this man) and I have let him know that I want to just spend time together and see what happens. He says he feels the same. In a lot of ways we have found our oathway to great communicaiton but it took a couple of months to learn how.

In some ways there is progress. We can talk much better now. I have stopped assuming the worst and panicking. He has started to be a bit more open. We have decided to be exclusive with each other and we are just starting out from this point, hopefully with less misunderstandings and insecurity.

He is approaching "see what happens" with the fundamental belief that he's not able to give me what I want, so sooner or later I am going to meet someone who does - so while he is living each day with me, he definitely still has me at arms length and sees this as temporary - which is a problem.

Also, in terms of the practicalities, we really can't see each other that much and at times I feel like he could see me but doesn't. It's a new relationship and I don't want to issue demands so I have gently said to him that I feel like when we go two weeks not seeing each other it takes away a little from our wonderful conenction. He confirms he completely agrees, but hasn't changed it - yet, although I only raised this a couple of days ago.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can gently encourage him to spend more time with me? I can elaborate more on what I have tried but don't want to make this too long. He says he wants to see me more and spend more time together but I feel like he is a little scared.

Secondly, he is AWFUL at non face to face communication. He is bad at texts, bad at calls and quiet and shy over video chat. I feel like we only fully and properly connect in person...he is no wordsmith and he shows his caring in practical ways...like bringing me a coffee and kissing my forehead and hugs. I feel like we have to find ways to encourage and increase intimacy when we are apart and I am not sure how.

I'd stress here, I am talking about a genuinely good man. No other women, no ulterior motives. When I talk to him, he listens. When I am worried about something he hates me being sad or upset. He cares about people and he's just not the best at all this and he needs me to lead.

I admit when we met I didn't see anything attractive about him but after getting close to him and really seeing who he is, all of a sudden his crooked and angular face suddenly looks like the most beautiful face I've ever seen.

I just want help maturely figuring ways to bring us closer together and encourage him to allow this to happen with a more open mind to what the future can bring for us.


----------



## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

*"He has a job that requires him to be frequently away with a very unpredicatable schedule and he lives also a little distance from me that makes it hard to see each other or build a life together.

Also, in terms of the practicalities, we really can't see each other that much and at times I feel like he could see me but doesn't. It's a new relationship and I don't want to issue demands so I have gently said to him that I feel like when we go two weeks not seeing each other it takes away a little from our wonderful conenction. He confirms he completely agrees, but hasn't changed it - yet, although I only raised this a couple of days ago."*

This doesn't sound like good foundation for a relationship, unless you like lots of alone time. It wouldn't work for me, but lots of people would enjoy it.

Elaborate on what you have tried in reference to spending more time together. Is he a long distance truck driver?


----------



## MondayMorning (Nov 5, 2015)

He manages a company with several offices over a wide area, so each day he doesn't often know where he will be too far in advance. I don't mind being alone a lot. For me it's quality over quantity and the time we do have together is fantastic. I am also independent and have my own life. It's just that sometimes when he _does_ have time, I feel he does not always spend it with me or he is not pro-active about finding ways to spend time together, however brief and he doesn't plan or organise very well.

What I tried first off was suggesting we did something (taking initiative) which didn't work. He kind of had reasons why he couldn;t do it. He only sees me at his sugestion, not mine. He has to be in control of that aspect.

Then I tried hinting. He misses hints and I just got angry and he was confused about why.

Then I tried becoming unavailable. Like if he would suggest a day I would say I couldn't make it. He'd just say "no problem babe" and we ended up not seing each other for 22 days with that tactic.

Nothing obvious works...what he needs to do is *want* to spend more time with me and at the moment I think he is just too set on trying not to get too close and it risks us not even geting this thing off the ground.

I talked to him about this a couple of days ago. He said he knows he wants to see me more and agrees it's a problem and that he misses me. I suggested that on very busy days, I could travel over to his offices, just for lunch or even a coffee. I asked him what he thought of that, he said "hmm...not sure..what do you think?".

It's like that level of commitment scares him a bit, but he's not mean about it.

It's hard work. He does say I need to keep him in line a bit, so I thought maybe there has to be a point where I say that seeing him 2 - 3 times a month isn't enough (he could easily make this 6 - 7 times) because I personally feel more time is needed to keep the connection going.

He sys he agrees but I do need to see action.

I know he will be upset if he loses me, but he's also a very passive and defeatist person.


----------



## MondayMorning (Nov 5, 2015)

Also, important point. His travel is temporary. It's for the next 2 - 3 years and then he will have a much easier schedule. 

He says he is concerned that he cannot (now) offer marriage, children and growing old to someone but I don't believe him. I think he's really scared of falling in love and fights very hard to keep his distance from people.


----------



## MondayMorning (Nov 5, 2015)

But of course...it worries me he just doesn't like me enough to make enough of an effort! I'm only human, so this does plague me a little. But when he tells me that's not true, I am a good judge of character and I do believe him. But doubt is a terrible thing.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

MondayMorning said:


> Also, important point. His travel is temporary. It's for the next 2 - 3 years and then he will have a much easier schedule.
> 
> He says he is concerned that he cannot (now) offer marriage, children and growing old to someone but I don't believe him. I think he's really scared of falling in love and fights very hard to keep his distance from people.


Honestly when it comes to relationships I think you should believe what he is telling you. I don't think he is ready for more


----------



## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

He only sees you at his suggestion? 

Any chance he leads a double life, wife on the side?


----------



## MondayMorning (Nov 5, 2015)

Tango in Triple Time said:


> He only sees you at his suggestion?
> 
> Any chance he leads a double life, wife on the side?



No, Ive been to his house, met his friends, we're connected on every social media platform with pics of us publically. Definitely not that. He was pretty keen to get me to meet his friends and stuff like that. He was excited and proud


----------



## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

Are you way out of his league? Something just doesn't feel right to me.


----------



## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Honestly when it comes to relationships I think you should believe what he is telling you. I don't think he is ready for more


:iagree:

OP, to me it sounds like he is just not that into you. Whenever 22 days have gone past without seeing each other & he seems unperturbed about it - it's not a big deal to him. Which, to me, translates to spending time with you is not a major priority to him.

One piece of old school dating advice that my mom gave me was: _Don't go out of your way or wait on a man to spend time with you. If he really wants to see you, he will try his hardest to make that happen.
_ I have found this advice from my mom to be pretty accurate & it can go both ways. If you notice, you are the one constantly trying to get his time & attention - you are willing to find ways to make that happen. Why can't he do that for you in return? If he really wants to see you, he should be able to make that happen just like you are willing to.

Just my thoughts based on what you posted. I could be wrong...


----------



## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

I'd say just play it out and see where it goes. Maybe you are really just reading into it way to far. 

Us guys can be pretty scared of commitment, especially when we weren't looking for it to begin with.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

The more I read the more *mixed signals *he seems to be giving.. (& so have you to complicate this further!)....you said in one part.. he wants you to "take the lead".. then you said " He kind of had reasons why he couldn't do it. He only sees me at his sugestion, not mine. He has to be in control of that aspect."..

He says he can't offer you marriage, kids , growing old (basically commitment) but you also feel he will be hurt if he looses you....

If you are right about his backing away -due to not wanting to get hurt.. oh this happens.. after all you broke up 3 times in a short period of time ...when he was excited wanted to introduce you to his friends, you panicked ..he's surely learned that coming on too strong has you running the other way !... 

It's hard to tell what is going on.. as the 2 of you are both the type to run when things are getting heated up..(he may be doing it out of self preservation also).. and it sounds you both value your space too...both very independent... how does one get close with all these things at play ? 

How far away does he live? Your offering to come see him at his office on his busy days.... and his saying ""hmm...not sure..what do you think?".. putting it back on you... I don't know.. Is it he doesn't want a woman coming around his office, for good reason...

You've only known him 2.5 months...what do you REALLY know about him??

I am wondering if you are interpreting his actions, his backing away...through your own experiences to why YOU DO THIS .... you said in your opening post " I've been hurt before and have a tendency to push people away when I like them"..

Is this what is really going on.. or is he just the passive type who doesn't want to hurt anyone and says whatever gets him through.. he is content the way things are....I don't know..


----------



## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> MondayMorning said:
> 
> 
> > Also, important point. His travel is temporary. It's for the next 2 - 3 years and then he will have a much easier schedule.
> ...


 I agree. As someone who is married to a man who travels for work (it wasn't as much when we were dating), if he has trouble making time for you now do not expect it to get better. If anything, once he "has" you his efforts will become less. 

I too was a very independent woman who actually likes being alone. Never did I expect that after finding my soulmate, the only person who has ever really opened my heart, I would become so miserable being alone. I think I just never felt like anything was missing before I met him, but now I know. Tread carefully & take things slow, that's all I can add.


----------



## MondayMorning (Nov 5, 2015)

Tango in Triple Time said:


> Are you way out of his league? Something just doesn't feel right to me.


Horrible question...but in a sense I suppose.

I make more money than he does. He is running a business start up and I have quite a high level job and am further along in life.

Really hate writing this but in the interests of honesty...yes I suppose physically and by whatever view society takes most would say I was considerably out of his league and he feels a sense of worry about that.


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

First, quit gaming this guy...He is a straight up guy, and has no game skills, so quit blowing smoke, and 'SAY WHAY YOU MEAN, AND MEAN WHAT YOU SAY"....

If you think you can make a relationship work with his schedule, tell him that, in exactly those words....Don't blow it with hints, and signals that he won't get....

I think you have real feelings for this guy, so let him know just that, and good luck...


----------



## MondayMorning (Nov 5, 2015)

JustTired said:


> :iagree:
> _Don't go out of your way or wait on a man to spend time with you. If he really wants to see you, he will try his hardest to make that happen._ I have found this advice from my mom to be pretty accurate & it can go both ways. If you notice, you are the one constantly trying to get his time & attention - you are willing to find ways to make that happen. Why can't he do that for you in return? If he really wants to see you, he should be able to make that happen just like you are willing to.
> ..


This...exactly this is why I feel sad / bad sometimes over this situation because what you say is absolutely 1000% true by every rule I have ever lived by. I've never dated anyone who did not go out of their way to see me. No one likes to feel like that.

On the other hand, sometimes he travels pretty far, meaning not much sleep just to be with me. It's like he almost needs a break between seeing me and seeing me again? 

After getting sad /mad / testing I decided to lay it on the line and sent him an email to say I felt he didn't go out of his way to see me and it mae me feel angry and hurt and he replied very quickly, with a lot of concern for my feelings and told me he was really sad I felt he didn't want to see me and that he wasn't that into me, and that the truth was he knows he has pulled away and created a distance at times, but that this was for the opposite reason. He said he had never expected to feel as much for me as he does, he he pulled back to stop himself falling in love. 

I have to say, gut feeling is I believed him. I don't think he is a liar or game player.


----------



## MondayMorning (Nov 5, 2015)

Ol'Pal said:


> I'd say just play it out and see where it goes. Maybe you are really just reading into it way to far.
> 
> Us guys can be pretty scared of commitment, especially when we weren't looking for it to begin with.


this is exactly what he said. I said I worry too much, think too much and that all it is what that he wasn't looking for commitment so it's strange and scary for him but it doesn't mean we won't end up with it.


----------



## MondayMorning (Nov 5, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> The more I read the more *mixed signals *he seems to be giving.. (& so have you to complicate this further!)....you said in one part.. he wants you to "take the lead".. then you said " He kind of had reasons why he couldn't do it. He only sees me at his sugestion, not mine. He has to be in control of that aspect."..
> 
> He says he can't offer you marriage, kids , growing old (basically commitment) but you also feel he will be hurt if he looses you....
> 
> ...


I have known him for a while before that...friends for some time. He was always like this to be comletely honestly. 50% steely determination and 5% very passive. He has always been a bit of an enigma in my eyes.

I really have made a lot of mistakes basing my interpretations off what I would do. Now I try and base them only of what he says.

Which is:

He can't offer me marriage, kids, forever at least for the moment
He has a really busy life and he knows the situation is not ideal and he is taking it on board
He wants to see me more
He wants to be with me, long term
He wants to have someting close to a relationship but balks at the label
He is afraid of being hurt.


This is basically what I am working with and at times it is very contradictory. What is obvious wehn we are together or even when we argue is that he cares a great deal for me and does not want to lose me; but at times he temts fate on that front.

Perhas the contradiction is in his own mind. He does not want a relationship and yet he's met someone he wants to be with.

He keeps repeating over and over "urgh, this is difficult". This is his catchphrase!


----------



## MondayMorning (Nov 5, 2015)

Woodchuck said:


> First, quit gaming this guy...He is a straight up guy, and has no game skills, so quit blowing smoke, and 'SAY WHAY YOU MEAN, AND MEAN WHAT YOU SAY"....
> 
> If you think you can make a relationship work with his schedule, tell him that, in exactly those words....Don't blow it with hints, and signals that he won't get....
> 
> I think you have real feelings for this guy, so let him know just that, and good luck...


Great advice that was firm but fair. I have tried to game this guy and the fact hasn't worked the way it has with others in the past has sort of made me respect him more. I don't think he even understands games. He's a truly honest and good man.

I have tried to start being honest with him and will admit so far it's got the best results. He listens, he compromises a little (stubborn though) and he opens up a little. It's clear he is going to go very slow and nothing will hurry him.

I just worry sometimes you can go so slow that you fizzle. Intimacy needs to be maintained. When you take one step forward and two steps back it is difficult. 

I do really like him. Much more than he knows.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> He says he is concerned that he cannot (now) offer marriage, children and growing old to someone but I don't believe him.


Oh! another one who doesn't believe a man's sincere admission about himself and is hoping to change him!

The dude is being damn honest and you're choosing to ignore him. Huge regrets are in your future if you continue to behave like this.


----------



## MondayMorning (Nov 5, 2015)

I just mean to say I don't believe that this is why he behaves like he does. I do believe he doesn't want marriage kids and a full time lover right now...I just don't believe this is the reason why. I think he has no self confidence that someone will love him as much back.

I;m not trying to change him...I actually don't want marriage and kids today either. Eventually, but right now I just want a boyfriend who doesn;t act spooked every time we get too close.


----------



## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

MondayMorning said:


> This...exactly this is why I feel sad / bad sometimes over this situation because what you say is absolutely 1000% true by every rule I have ever lived by. I've never dated anyone who did not go out of their way to see me. No one likes to feel like that.
> 
> On the other hand, sometimes he travels pretty far, meaning not much sleep just to be with me. It's like he almost needs a break between seeing me and seeing me again?
> 
> ...


It's a good sign that he heard your feelings. Hopefully, now that he knows how you feel about spending more time with him he will make more of an effort. Keep us posted on how things progress.


----------



## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

You sound like an intelligent mature woman. Here's what I see - you are very interested in him, more than he is you. Sorry, I'm not trying to be rude, but I get a hint of desperation, as if you are lonely. Have you been in any long term relationships recently? How's the sex?


----------



## MondayMorning (Nov 5, 2015)

Tango in Triple Time said:


> You sound like an intelligent mature woman. Here's what I see - you are very interested in him, more than he is you. Sorry, I'm not trying to be rude, but I get a hint of desperation, as if you are lonely. Have you been in any long term relationships recently? How's the sex?


Lol Ouch, but appreciate the honesty. Of course there is good possibility that we started out with him being the one more interested and now we have switched roles. Painful to consider it but of course I know it is possible.

My last long relationship was about a year ago, but I didn't feel about him, or the one before the way I do about this guy - so very annoying and frustrating situation for me.

The sex is off the chart. He's pretty inexperienced, but there is just so much tenderness and chemistry that it feels very connected and intimate.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your situation is kinda sad. Reminds me of a "right place wrong time" lyric. Maybe the best course of action is to put off any relationship until his schedule becomes more amenable to a relationship. Remain friends and see if it weathers the test of time.


----------



## MondayMorning (Nov 5, 2015)

Let me explain maybe how I feel.

I miss being in a relationship, yes, but I get asked out all the time, date all the time and honestly can count on one hand the times I have felt a true connection and attraction to someone at this level. Right now I have maybe 5 or 6 men persistently texting me to ask for a date. I'm lonely yes - emotionally miss that connection - but not desparate.

What is frustrating for me is that this underdog wanted to date me for sooo long, and slowly built a connection betwen us to the point that I finally wnated him back, and began to fall for him and want to be with him and then he pulls back and makes it hard for me.

So that's frustrating. it feels a bit like "come on! Finally someone good who works with me and makes me feel like this and he isn't 100% in it."

So I want that to change, and I know we can't always have what we want, and patience has never been my strong suit but I think we could make each other amazingly happy - I really do and if you know me you'd know I never say that!


----------



## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

Ah, that clarified things. Dang this underdog! I hope this works out well for you.


----------



## MondayMorning (Nov 5, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Your situation is kinda sad. Reminds me of a "right place wrong time" lyric. Maybe the best course of action is to put off any relationship until his schedule becomes more amenable to a relationship. Remain friends and see if it weathers the test of time.


That is another really great suggestion and one I hadn't considered. 

I have only been thinking on the lines of 

(a) persevere and be patient 

or

(b) walk away and forget him

Doing (a) is hard, because it's really hard to feel so close to someone and so distant at the same time. It's playing with my emotions and giving me highs and lows that I don't enjoy.

The third option of maybe letting him know I need more time to continue a relationship with him (especially because he is not good by other communication means) and that he should contact me again if and when he feels able to make that space. I know for a fact he could if he wanted to.

Maybe I will give it one more month and then make the decision to do that.

I agree it is sad. We're so right for each other (he says it to) but he's just not jumping in. He's dipping a toe in the water and at times I feel like a fish tortured on a line.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It couldn't be that the underdog got the uptown girl who was on his bucket list and is now on to other things? No, because he doesn't play games. It couldn't be that uptown girl lowered herself to date underdog and is now angry that he isn't kissing her feet? No, because you really, really want a relationship when there is no time for one.

Be friends and take one of those 5 or 6 guys up on a date.


----------



## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

MondayMorning said:


> That is another really great suggestion and one I hadn't considered.
> 
> I have only been thinking on the lines of
> 
> ...


Option 3 is exactly what my initial reaction is. You have made yourself clear. You have talked back and forth-- after awhile that stuff just goes in circles. The bottom line is that you are not getting what you want. You like him, you know he is a great guy, but he is showing he either cannot or will not give you what you need in a relationship. Make your relationship UNexclusive, give him the option of contacting you if he wants, and start dating others again. There are 7 billion humans on the planet, there is MORE than one guy for you.


----------



## MondayMorning (Nov 5, 2015)

I do agree I have made myself clear. But only in the last two weeks. I am tempered by the fact that for the first month it was me saying "no relationship". It was him asking me why not, and what could be done and I've not instillied that confidence from day one. I was thinking on that basis it might be prudent to have 2 - 3 more dates now he has the information, spend some times face to face, now he has the information and we are scheduled for a weekend away together at the end of the month which will mean a lot of time alone together for once. Maybe re-evaluate at the end of that?

My challenge in the meantime is not letting my head run wild with frustration over why I haven't seen him this week. Which is hard.

I am prepared to walk away rather than be unhappy, I know there are 7 billion men on the planet, but I can't date more than one at once so would end it with him completely before dating anyone else.

Blondi, no, I don't think on either side there is ego at play. Underneath what goes only skin deep I think we feel like equals are are just two people who connect.


----------



## MondayMorning (Nov 5, 2015)

And i know there is more than one guy for me. I have dated 15 in two years and this is the only one I have had any interest in having sex with or being with longer term. I'm not picky, but I rarely feel attraction to a person in this sort of a way. It's got nothing to do with his job or what he looks like but all my senses are whirring here and it's hard to let go of something that feels so right. At least not without trying.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

How old is your boyfriend? Career woman here, 57 years old, and 35 years married. When my husband was dating me, he drove to see me one hour in the Los Angeles freeway and drove home another hour. He had a full-time job and also was a full-time college student. He made time for me any chance he got.

When times that he could not see me, he would call. I was working 32 hours a week and also a full-time student. We were very busy, but made time to see each other. As we were busy people, we made a commitment to exclusively date each other for three years before we got married.

I don't think that your guy is into you. He chased you at first. Now that you want him, the thrill of the chase is over. Perhaps, you might consider dating those 6 to 7 guys who are asking you for a date. Who knows? One of these guys may be for you.


----------



## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

MondayMorning said:


> And i know there is more than one guy for me. I have dated 15 in two years and this is the only one I have had any interest in having sex with or being with longer term. I'm not picky, but I rarely feel attraction to a person in this sort of a way. It's got nothing to do with his job or what he looks like but all my senses are whirring here and it's hard to let go of something that feels so right. At least not without trying.


I totally understand. Those are emotions though and emotions do come and go. I am not meaning to discount your feelings but just give you perspective from 50,000 feet which is hard to see when you are buried in the situation.

I didnt mean date a bunch of people but continue to be open. You really seem to want companionship, and his in particular, so going 3 weeks without seeing him has to be difficult to borderline unacceptable in terms of your wants and needs. Just wanted to remind you that someone else may meet those needs better (and have whatever ignites your passion too which we know has to come first).

Honestly I have a feeling that you two will eventually drift apart and you will conclude, when your emotions have gone, that it was his elusiveness that drew you too him. If he were so available like other men are to you, you might have moved on by now. Just a thought.


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

You have said more than once that he explicitly stated he is not able to offer you a "full relationship" he said he is not able to give you what you want. Believe what he says. Accept less while hoping and waiting for more or move on.


----------



## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

MondayMorning said:


> Let me explain maybe how I feel.
> 
> I miss being in a relationship, yes, but I get asked out all the time, date all the time and honestly can count on one hand the times I have felt a true connection and attraction to someone at this level. Right now I have maybe 5 or 6 men persistently texting me to ask for a date. I'm lonely yes - emotionally miss that connection - but not desparate.
> 
> ...


This man has done considerable relationship research, is extremely attentive (on levels way beyond what you can imagine), and seems to have mastered every aspect of social interaction. Most of what you have stated seems to support this.

This guy is maintaining mystery. I've said it a countless times before, familiarity is the death of seduction. If you know everything about him, the relationship will no doubt gain comfort but will lose the characteristics of fantasy and the required anxiety. You are strategically being kept emotional and on edge. Fantasy is so much better than our reality and is why we crave it so much. Without anxiety, and even a small element of fear of losing the relationship, the passionate tensions dilute. He is making sure this "familiarity" does not set in. 

It's not a question of being seen too often or making yourself too available. It seems he realizes that if he sees you too rarely, he'll give you nothing to feed on. He'll risk your attention perhaps being caught by someone else more accessible to you. So, all he has to do is occupy your mind, and he has been doing that quite well. His "closeness" to you, as well as his "distance" from you, is his work of preventing him from being too consistent, too obvious, too human, and too real. You can't fall and idolize this guy if you know too much about him, if you start to see him as too human. Not only does he have to maintain a degree of distance and unavailability, but there must be something fantastical about him that sparks all kinds of delights and possibilities in your mind. He has deliberately kept himself seperate from your daily life, and the goal of that... is so that he become purely a source of pleasure.

This guy's actions are solid and he knows what he is doing.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Apexmale said:


> *This man has done considerable relationship research,* is extremely attentive (on levels way beyond what you can imagine), and seems to have mastered every aspect of social interaction. Most of what you have stated seems to support this.
> 
> *This guy is maintaining mystery. *I've said it a countless times before, familiarity is the death of seduction. If you know everything about him, the relationship will no doubt gain comfort but will lose the characteristics of fantasy and the required anxiety. You are strategically being kept emotional and on edge. Fantasy is so much better than our reality and is why we crave it so much. Without anxiety, and even a small element of fear of losing the relationship, the passionate tensions dilute. He is making sure this "familiarity" does not set in.
> 
> ...


I see that as nothing but pure game playing Bullsh**.. .. good luck to women who wants that.. I wouldn't understand them for anything.. .. a man who has *actions behind his words* far beats this crap....Screw mystery & evasiveness... 

If you are right -his doing his "relationship research".. he learned it all on "Pick up Artist" forums. 

Though it's true.... this lures many women in..guess that's why they are alive & well... guess it depends on what one is looking for...time is a ticking away, these are grown adults with careers ....it's time to put the games away.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

When a man tells you something like he's not ready for a relationship/he's scared of committment/he can't offer you marriage etc. you need to believe him. He's telling you who he is. 6 months down the track, when he breaks up with you he'll say "I told you I wasn't ready for a relationship", and he'd be absolutely right.

He's telling you he can't offer you a relationship, marriage, kids - well what's the point in dating him then? Isn't that why we date?


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

OP -

You sound like a wonderful, articulate woman. I really hope this relationship works out for you.

Remember - most people carve out time to do the things/activities that they want to do. I don't really buy his not being into texting or other ways to stay in touch in this day & age. A quick text can take seconds.

I much older than you & live my the rule that people who say "I am to busy to __________________ really mean "I am too busy to spend time, call, etc. with YOU.

Even the POTUS has time to send a quick text, make a phone call etc.

I wonder if the "thrill of the chase" is at play here because my younger daughter (age 25) is going through something similar with her boyfriend.

Daughter was the new hot chick at work. Her b/f saw many men & customers flirting with her & asking her for dates. He asked her out & she said no as she was not attracted to him & he wasn't her "usual" type. He pursued her hard & she finally agreed to a date & something sparked for her. Within 3 months of dating him, she fell madly in love with him & became the pursuer.

They have been together for almost 2 years & he does not treat her well. We (her family) can all see that she is way more into him than he is into her. They fight all of the time & are not compatible but she can't/won't let him go. It is very hard as her Mother to watch my once strong, confident, beautiful daughter crying hysterically when he treats her badly, dumps her one day & pulls her back the next. She cannot wrap her head around that he chased her hard in the beginning & now treats her badly.


----------

