# Boundaries with Ex wife



## Worthit10 (Apr 1, 2016)

My husband's ex wife left him when their 2 kids were still in diapers for another man and it devastated him. He was in alot of pain and his family saw him go through it... 
Then I entered his life and I was from a divorce as well with kids. We got married and had a kid together. Our little blended family does well together. The problem is with his ex wife. She acts like she has never left the marriage or his family. She continues to call my now mother in law "mom" & keeps up with friendships with my now sister in law and other in laws. My husband and I both feel disrespected. And his family engages in this as well andacts as though she is still apart of the family. This all makes me feel not welcome in the family as the new wife and a part of the family. My mother in law has expressed to us that she doesn't feel comfortable being called "mom" by her anymore but says she wants to keep the peace because of the 2 grandkids and the fact that his ex wife will cause drama if she gets pissed off. 
My husband always seems to stop what he is doing to accommodate his ex even if it inconveniences our family. I'm hurt because this does not make me feel like I am number 1 with my husband. I feel he needs to set boundaries with his ex and family and stand his ground. He is what you would can call a "yes man" and I feel he has trouble standing up for himself much less me. I'm at a loss and just can't take it anymore. It's effecting our marriage in a huge negative way and preventing me from developing relationships with my in laws. Advise? ? Anyone.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Not sure if it is good advice, but it sounds like he needs to read No More Mr. Nice Guy.

Not sure how he would take it if you gave him the book. Have you expressed it to him as clearly as you have written it here?

Sometimes us guys don't get it until you lay it out clearly.


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## SuQ (Apr 1, 2016)

I think it's mean and controlling. The ex is using her "status" as a tool, because she can. Some people like the power trip. Her actions are loud and clear, and although she left the relationship, she is acting as if she did no wrong and your husband is playing right into it. I think she is a bully. Your mother in law needs to speak up too. You need to have your husband sit down with her and come to an agreement that is fitting to you and your relationship, not hers. This ex cannot continue to call to shots. She is using the children as bait. I also think your husband accommodates his ex so that he gets recognition from her...sort of like, "You left me and I want you to know you left a good guy behind" or something like that. His ego was bruised and he is wanting her to know he is a good guy. 

These types are master manipulators and destroy lives; simply because they know how. Grrr


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

SuQ said:


> I think it's mean and controlling. *The ex is using her "status" as a tool, because she can*. Some people like the power trip. Her actions are loud and clear, and although she left the relationship, she is acting as if she did no wrong and your husband is playing right into it. I think she is a bully. Your mother in law needs to speak up too. You need to have your husband sit down with her and come to an agreement that is fitting to you and your relationship, not hers. This ex cannot continue to call to shots. She is using the children as bait. I also think your husband accommodates his ex so that he gets recognition from her...sort of like, "You left me and I want you to know you left a good guy behind" or something like that. His ego was bruised and he is wanting her to know he is a good guy.
> 
> These types are master manipulators and destroy lives; simply because they know how. Grrr


QFT!! My Ex like's to call my family, Even say things that drives my mom crazy, but as said before, G-Ma dont want to rock the boat because of the grand kids... I have told mt Ex, even set a boundary and she blows right over it, like it was never there... just because of the kid... 4x so far, and i think the last time i talked to her about it, and all the F-bombs i dropped on her she might at least think about it before she dose it again, Yes again as i dont think she can stop..


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

You can't control her relationship with his family, and honestly, it is probably better that she gets along with them than the alternative. My family is willing to maintain a relationship with my XWW because its best for the kids if the adult are not fighting or blatantly harboring ill feelings towards each other. My advice to you is let this part go.

Now about your husband. It is his job to put you ahead of his XW and he needs to set boundaries with her to make you feel comfortable. Some people are not good at setting boundaries and that's nothing against them, it's just their personality. If you are communicating about this directly with him and isn't not doing any good then maybe its time for him to discuss this with a counselor and do some work to improve? The golden window to set clear boundaries with an ex is right after a divorce, but that has lapsed. Just keep in mind that the longer this has been going on the longer it will be to correct since patterns are established.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Have a talk with your husband. She is the ex and should be treated as such. Like the mailman or grocery clerk.

Outline how you want it to come across beforehand. Do it soon.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

My ex refused to set boundaries with HIS ex wife, and guess what...he divorced me to remarry her.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Worthit10 said:


> She continues to call my now mother in law "mom" & keeps up with friendships with my now sister in law and other in laws. My husband and I both feel disrespected. And his family engages in this as well and acts as though she is still apart of the family. This all makes me feel not welcome in the family as the new wife and a part of the family. My mother in law has expressed to us that she doesn't feel comfortable being called "mom" by her anymore but says she wants to keep the peace because of the 2 grandkids





Worthit10 said:


> He is what you would can call a "yes man" and I feel he has trouble standing up for himself


 As much as you do not want to hear this, because of the kids they had together your husband's ex-wife is still part of your husband's family. Your husband's nieces and nephews, are her nieces and nephews. Your husband's mom and dad, are still her children's grandparents. Divorce does not change any of that. It was part of the deal that you signed up for when you married a divorced man with children. Time to put on your big girl panties and deal with it. BTW, your husband is probably only agreeing with you when he says that he feels disrespected by this, because as you call him he is a "yes man" who goes along with you when pushed.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> Have a talk with your husband. She is the ex and should be treated as such. Like the mailman or grocery clerk.
> 
> Outline how you want it to come across beforehand. Do it soon.


This. Your H needs to man up. They are X for a reason. The helping out, grass cutting and roof fixing stopped when the first W left for some jack wagon. He also must talk with his mother and advise keeping it cordial is one thing, Sending invites to family stuff is over. The longer it goes on the worse it will get. If MIL feelings are hurt so be it. Apron strings are cut for a reason. Sure, there will be times the X has to be around but not all the time. As far as the X side of the family, the kids can go visit.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> This. Your H needs to man up. They are X for a reason. The helping out, grass cutting and roof fixing stopped when the first W left for some jack wagon. He also must talk with his mother and advise keeping it cordial is one thing, Sending invites to family stuff is over. The longer it goes on the worse it will get. If MIL feelings are hurt so be it. Apron strings are cut for a reason. Sure, there will be times the X has to be around but not all the time. As far as the X side of the family, the kids can go visit.


This.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Correct. X gets cut except for big family things like graduation,

You need to spell this out to your husband that you're not happy with the situation. Tell him that you are #1 and expect to be treated as such.

Tell him next time you go to take care of his exW's needs, you'll dial up your ex husband to replace him while he's gone. I'm serious. Your husband lacks empathy to your concerns so pointed statements are a great way to say, "I am not f-ing around".



Yeswecan said:


> This. Your H needs to man up. They are X for a reason. The helping out, grass cutting and roof fixing stopped when the first W left for some jack wagon. He also must talk with his mother and advise keeping it cordial is one thing, Sending invites to family stuff is over. The longer it goes on the worse it will get. If MIL feelings are hurt so be it. Apron strings are cut for a reason. Sure, there will be times the X has to be around but not all the time. As far as the X side of the family, the kids can go visit.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

It's easy to see there are two basic groupings on this question, those who see the benefits of being more inclusive, and those who feel being exclusive is more appropriate.

I think this comes down to trust and self-esteem. If you feel you can trust your husband to do the right thing, can trust he does it out of the right motive(s), and you do not feel threatened by his prior relationship, you will not feel disrespected. Give that a try and see if the whole situation works itself out.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

sisters359 said:


> It's easy to see there are two basic groupings on this question, those who see the benefits of being more inclusive, and those who feel being exclusive is more appropriate.
> 
> I think this comes down to trust and self-esteem. If you feel you can trust your husband to do the right thing, can trust he does it out of the right motive(s), and you do not feel threatened by his prior relationship, you will not feel disrespected. Give that a try and see if the whole situation works itself out.


There's inclusive and there's enmeshed.

For everyone's sake, the adults need to get along and be cordial to each other, especially in front of the children. They should all be able to get together and school functions, without the kids having to worry about who's going to start an argument or spending equal amounts of time with each parent so as not to upset the other.

Other occasions, such as Christmas and family birthdays (exception being kids 18th, 21st obviously), should not include ex spouses. The second wife shouldn't have to tolerate the presence of the ex more than absolutely necessary, that's unfair and disrespectful. If people want everything to continue as before, don't get divorced.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I see nothing wrong with talking to your inlaws and telling them how you feel.

At the end of the day who takes care of their son? Who's bed does their son share? Who makes sure their son goes to the doctor and takes care of him when he is sick?

Alls I can tell you is next time around you call your MIL "mom" before the x wife does!

I hope you are up for a challenge....cuz some POS ex wife is calling you out and you are just going to up your game to show this chick who is in charge!

And BTW...there is nothing wrong with laying a big fat kiss on your old man while sitting on his lap.... the next time the ex is is the room!

You just need to turn this around and make this POS ex into your b1tch and not the other way around!

My point is raise your attraction level, be charming and show grace.....I'm guessing this chick is getting the best of you and others around you see you being dominated by this POS.....it's time to turn the tables and let this c6nt dig her own grave.

You need to know your enemy so you can counter her attack.....and in the end no one will be the wiser!

That's my $0.02


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I was wondering how long they have been divorced and how old the kid are. Reason being that (and I'm in that group) some women like to use the kids as a weapon and use it well against the Dad. If that's the case then I can understand why he's the yes man but I did the same thing until I wised up and came to realize that we all come in to this world with one Mother and one Father and one day the bulb in my head turned on and I knew that all the idle threats she made was nothing but hot air. I finally stopped her in her tracks especially when I remarried and had another child and told her that her days of pulling the strings were over. 

Maybe he needs to do the same thing to his ex wife.


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