# The Pillar is starting to crack...



## Pillar (Dec 20, 2012)

When do the vows you took at your wedding need to be broken? 

I have known my husband for 18 years. We have seen eachother through our previous marriages, two sets of twins, illness, divorce, setting up with dates with friends, then finally dating eachother. It has been 7 years of marriage although he was not at our last anniversary as he was called away on a business trip that got extended over our date.
During our married time he has missed 3 Christmas's, 4 Thanksgivings (my favorite holiday and one I have begged him not to miss) 2 mothers days (although we do not share children, we have my two at home) 1 Halloween, 1 Anniversary and his 50th Birthday. On that day he wanted to see his kids for the afternoon and would be home for dinner,... He stayed out all night only texting me that he was ok but needed time to think.

I have to say that only 2 of those missed holidays were legitimate "business trips". The others were run aways! He gets blue or sad or meloncholy, and leaves! Sometimes for a couple of days. Always in contact by text. He says he "has to think or is unhappy about ...(fill in the problem... ex wife, his kids, us, work, etc). THis last Thanksgiving instead of going away with me on a romantic weekend w/o kids... he had his second thoughts... spent the next 4 hours talking with me about his issues, wanted to see his kids for a couple of hours , promising he would be back that night, texted me later and didnt come home for 4 days!! Alone again for Thanksgiving!!

He always writes a long letter before his return, swearing his undying love and devotion. Sorry for the pain he puts me through, and an outline of how he is never going to do it again and how he is going to structure his life better so we can be happy together forever! 

I believe in values, promises and I am very devoted and understanding. He even reaffirms that. Am I a good wife or a fool??


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

My wife tends to be sick to the point of being incapacitated on Christmas and Thanksgiving. I think this has to do with painful memories of the stormy alcoholic household she grew up in


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Dear Mr. Pillar -

We have been through a lot and I love you dearly. That said, the holidays are here and we have talked about how painful it is for me to spend holidays alone. I'm worried about you leaving me behind again, and I'm afraid this issue has become a legitimate deal breaker for me. 

I am looking forward to a lifetime of your company, but if you cannot be present for the holidays, or at least be present to discuss why you need to be away on any given holiday, I will have to re-evaluate our relationship.

I sincerely hope that you value what we have as much as I do and that we can finally start enjoying holidays together like a married couple should.

Love,
Mrs. Pillar


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Do these things only happen around holidays or are there other times that they happen, too? 

Is this the only complaint you have about your marriage or is his behavior odd in other ways, too?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Do these things only happen around holidays or are there other times that they happen, too?
> 
> Is this the only complaint you have about your marriage or is his behavior odd in other ways, too?


yep, how's the rest of the relationship? not enough information to say one way or the other.


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## Pillar (Dec 20, 2012)

He has become secretive. He will go to a meeting downtown and be there for hours! All his meeting are last min. He works for himself so there is no check and balance. It is not uncommon, but he could say he is going to meet some clients for weeks and I dont know what comes of it! I have asked, but he says its too difficult to explain and there are a lot of moving parts. The bills get paid, we entertain and travel but we have no mutual accounts nor do I know what he brings home at the end of the day/month/year! It has been a prob from the beginning. He keeps saying he will get me more involved, but they he travels, life gets unsettled, he returns, it is a few days of settling then he is off again. There is no "every day" here! Nothing we plan gets done. I have had insurance apps sitting for months. If I bring it up, I am nagging. If I ask too many questions about his work, I am suspicious and untrusting. 

Which raises another problem. He constantly says I am "beautiful, exotic, gorgeous, men just cant stop looking at me". Charming I am sure, but I am a housewife. That was the arrangement when we married cause I was a single mom of one for a while and he knew how hard I worked. He gave me the luxury to stay home while my girls are still young. But he constantly accuses me of flirting and going to bars when he is not around. Hey, I am 50 and WAY beyond that stuff. I love my girls and spend all my time with either him , them or all of them. NOTHING ELSE! He just cant get over the insecurity!! Knowing me for as long as he has, he should know i have very high standards of behavior and very proper. Yes at one time I had a lot of attention, back 100 years ago! And I do admit I get some male attention, perhaps a smile or a friendly hello, but he sees this as them hitting on me! DRIVES ME NUTS! I have no interest at all! HE is the one who gets the attention from the ladies! EVERY SINGLE time he opens his mouth some woman swoons and says 'are you from LONDON"?? I just love it there!! Geez, get over the British accent! Every judge, every villian and every presenter on TV is british now!

Other than that, we enjoy everything together. He acts very "coupley" when we go out or entertain. He has impecable manners and is a gentleman. Maybe that is why all the women go 'ga ga". Not that common anymore


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## Pillar (Dec 20, 2012)

OH !!! And the texting is OUT OF CONTROL!!

He practically sleeps with the thing! It is never alone. Unlike me


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## unexited (May 14, 2012)

downtown meetings that last hours, and client meeting that lasts weeks ... those definitely sound like red flags.

Sorry for trying to accuse you H of cheating without knowing much background but i would day these symptoms are quite typical if you read other threads. Please find out about theses meetings and clients as much as possible. You have a right to know.

Another thing you mentioned is that he wrote long mails before he came back, that sounds like him trying to overcome his guilt.

I am married 5 years now and i could not imagine going out weeks and not telling my wife exactly whom i am meeting and what was the outcome of this meeting. This also points to some serious transparency issues.

Of course i could be completely wrong, so first step is to find out exactly whats going on, you are too much in the dark to get to the root of the problem.

Good luck


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## unexited (May 14, 2012)

the texting makes me even more suspicious. 

Do you have access to his cell phone. Have you seen who these are from or ever asked him about them ?


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## Pillar (Dec 20, 2012)

No access at all, but last night I snooped in his briefcase. In there I found 2 pre paid phones. Both with numbers he has given me as contacts when he goes on meetings. No texts, messages or calls on them. They are just his cover phones.

I couldnt confront him on them but I asked him again if he was seeing anyone. With the look of an angel, he told me that I was his only love. His only mistriss is his work. 

I am broken.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I am sorry to hear of your troubles.

I wish I could think of a gentle way to touch on this but not sure I can.

To be away that number of Christmases and Thanksgivings in a seven year marriage makes me wonder if he is running two households.

I hope very much this is not the case.

Best wishes in your difficulties


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Is there any legitimate business purpose for multiple phones? If there isn't a clear and obvious reason then I would assume it is suspicious.


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## unexited (May 14, 2012)

> I am sorry to hear of your troubles.
> 
> I wish I could think of a gentle way to touch on this but not sure I can.
> 
> ...


Im sorry but i think tryingtobebetter may be right about the 2 household thing.

Please find out as much as possible and confront him as soon as possible. 

I rally dont see how some one can explain the 2 phones.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Pillar,

I hate it when people here look at the evidence that people lay forth and immediately say "they are cheating on you". But guess what? Your husband is cheating on you.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Pillar said:


> No access at all, but last night I snooped in his briefcase. In there I found 2 pre paid phones. Both with numbers he has given me as contacts when he goes on meetings. No texts, messages or calls on them. They are just his cover phones.
> 
> I couldnt confront him on them but I asked him again if he was seeing anyone. With the look of an angel, he told me that I was his only love. His only mistriss is his work.
> 
> I am broken.


What exactly is a "cover phone?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Even if he isn't cheating.... its NOT working for the marriage.

I don't think my ex cheated... but he was a runner. More of an ignorer. We had 5 kids, but he had no respect for family time, holidays, the importance of traditions, Scouts, school plays, etc.... It just wasn't on his radar, until after he missed it...then he'd whine and cry about how he screwed up an important event, etc... 

It never got better. As the kids got older I totatlly quit counting on him. I planned things without even considering whether he'd be there or not. Kids would ask.... is Dad coming? "I don't know, guess we'll wait and see." Honesty without bashing him. 

23 years later... we divorced. His idea. Whatever.... I was free of the bs. 

All is well now. I am 50...remarried to a man who is committed to ME and to the relationship. One who CARES about this stuff. One who actually ASKS how the relationship is going, is everything ok, anything we need to go over? "Just checking...cuz I want it to be as good for you as it is for me." THIS is how it should be! 

So whether it's an affair or not, you have to figure out what you can live with. Because THIS is how he is. Live with it.... or change it from your end to suit YOU. Figure out what YOU need.... and get there. It's makes ALL the difference in the world.


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## Pillar (Dec 20, 2012)

Well it is Christmas Eve. He spent the past two days shopping for hours! Last night he brought in the goods and I was suprised there was so little. Not two full days worth. Anyway, he was supposed to pick up his children to celebrate at our home tonight. He showered, got more than just going to the market dressed. Meaning dressed for a casual date. I saw him putting on cologne. When I mentioned it he got very hostile 
Meanwhile I looked in his LOCKED car in the garage and saw through the window more presents in bags. When I mentioned how great he looked for the market he got mad and called me too paranoid. 
After he left for the market, I took my girls out for lunch. IN that time he came back, took a pair of shoes, 2 sweaters, socks, and his toiletry bag. When I got home I thought something was up so I checked. When I called him on it he hung up on me and texted: "your too obsesive, I just came back to change my shoes, you are paranoid, what is wrong with you? cant and wont live like this!!"

How do I break this to the kids . They are expecting him and his kids any minute now. How do I handle this with out making a sceen in front of the children??

I am sick


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

I agree with the other poster. This guy has 2 households. I'd bet on it


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

P.S. if you have the money, hire a PI and fast. I think your going to find out some things you dont want to know, so be prepared.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

RClawson said:


> Pillar,
> 
> I hate it when people here look at the evidence that people lay forth and immediately say "they are cheating on you". But guess what? Your husband is cheating on you.


It sounds likely to me also. Pillar, if I were you I would act like normal, keep learning and prepare for an exit.


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