# Help - getting away from abusive marriage



## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

I need some help getting away from my wife, she is a nasty, manipulative, controlling, and abusive. For the past 24 hours or so I have been very quiet because I am trying to rebuild my self-esteem and my confidence and because of this she is constantly questioning me asking me what's wrong. I told her I was exhausted and that I just needed some time to relax because I quite frankly am exhausted.

Tonight 24 hours later she continued to ask me what was wrong and would not quit. Then she started to lay into me saying nasty things to me and being abusive. After this I got really upset and said this isn't working at all, and then she started to mock me saying I want a divorce because I have said it before and not left, it's like she is trying to make out she's all powerful and I can't do anything.

She hides this side of her from everyone, only I have to suffer it and she makes out she is the one suffering yet she hasn't had depression, anxiety, and panic attacks because of this abuse, I have. 

Can someone please help me to keep my sanity and to get away from this woman? I am the main breadwinner, and we just moved into a new house about 5 months ago, she will not leave so what do I do? Please help?


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

MenMarsWomenVenus said:


> I need some help getting away from my wife, she is a nasty, manipulative, controlling, and abusive. For the past 24 hours or so I have been very quiet because I am trying to rebuild my self-esteem and my confidence and because of this she is constantly questioning me asking me what's wrong. I told her I was exhausted and that I just needed some time to relax because I quite frankly am exhausted.
> 
> Tonight 24 hours later she continued to ask me what was wrong and would not quit. Then she started to lay into me saying nasty things to me and being abusive. After this I got really upset and said this isn't working at all, and then she started to mock me saying I want a divorce because I have said it before and not left, it's like she is trying to make out she's all powerful and I can't do anything.
> 
> ...


Empty the bank account, cut off the credit cards, find a cheap motel and get in contact with a local domestic violence/abuse hotline. It is harder for men but if you can document physical abuse they can help you file a complaint with your local PD. They can also help you with counseling, shelter, etc., if you have need. Then get (what we in Texas call) an Order for Emergency Protection, this will prevent her from coming around and harassing you. Here, if the batterer violates this order they forfeit bail, go back to jail and stew until the trial. Getting yourself classified as a battered spouse may also help you get legal assistance for the divorce. BUT! Be prepared to endure the insults and harassment from other guys for being a "battered wife." It can be done, I have arrested women for beating their husbands, but it will be tough on you. You think your ego has taken hell now? Just wait. But do go for it, she doesn't get to do this anymore than you would get to abuse her. Right is right.


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## cromwell1234 (Apr 5, 2016)

This is my first post, Im sure I will get some lumps for it , your describing your wife being controlling and emotionally abusive. I have acted at lot like your wife, a few weeks ago my wife informed me she was leaving me and wanted to separate. This destroyed me, I felt hurt and blindsided. She stated I was controlling and verbally abusive and she had enough. We had long conversations for several days and I realized, I had a serious anger management problem among other issues. I decided to get therapy and work on my problems, I have made some huge modifications to my behavior in a short period of time. I did not push, or pry my wife into staying with me and owned up to my horrible behaviors, Im not sure what the future holds for us, but I will tell you , there is hope for your wife is she is willing to see that your serious about leaving her. Once I realized my wife was really leaving, I open a new level of understanding and have been working on my problems, and praying that she may be able to forgive me. I realize now that my damage may not be forgivable regardless of love or my efforts. If you love her, give her a chance, if she doesn't respond to it, then you have your answer, good luck to you!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

First take all access to any money away from her. Take her off all bank accounts and credit card accounts. Then call the cops and tell them she has been abusive. Maybe they will take her to jail for awhile and maybe that will give her the attitude adjustment she needs. If she decides to come back after her stay in jail, say to her the ballgame is going to get played a little different now. Until you start behaving like a human being, I will control all funds until you can be trusted again. If you don't like these arrangements get the **** out.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

cromwell1234 said:


> This is my first post, Im sure I will get some lumps for it , your describing your wife being controlling and emotionally abusive. I have acted at lot like your wife, a few weeks ago my wife informed me she was leaving me and wanted to separate. This destroyed me, I felt hurt and blindsided. She stated I was controlling and verbally abusive and she had enough. We had long conversations for several days and I realized, I had a serious anger management problem among other issues. I decided to get therapy and work on my problems, I have made some huge modifications to my behavior in a short period of time. I did not push, or pry my wife into staying with me and owned up to my horrible behaviors, Im not sure what the future holds for us, but I will tell you , there is hope for your wife is she is willing to see that your serious about leaving her. Once I realized my wife was really leaving, I open a new level of understanding and have been working on my problems, and praying that she may be able to forgive me. I realize now that my damage may not be forgivable regardless of love or my efforts. If you love her, give her a chance, if she doesn't respond to it, then you have your answer, good luck to you!


She has a huge anger problem, but she went to 3 therapy sessions and quit, said there wasn't much more she could say apparently?


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

She is clever though as she makes out it's all my fault. Getting away from her isn't that easy, I know some people will think man up but the last time I broke up with her (and took her back like an idiot) she grabbed a large knife from the kitchen and threatened to do something to herself. She completely broke down, screaming, crying, it was frightening. I wish I could just leave but it's not that simple when things get that out of hand and I can't call the police as she will make out it's me, she twists things like that.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Do you want to stay and work things out? I don't think you do. Call a lawyer and have her served. If she finally realizes it, then maybe you can salvage. But mocking divorce is some of the ****tiest **** that's ever been shat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

You absolutely have to get away from this woman but please be careful about following the advice to empty bank accounts etc. Where I live this is considered financial abuse and very much comes under the banner of domestic violence. 

Have you looked for or spoken to any support services? Do you have employer funded counselling services? A family/friends network? Get a few things straight in your mind and services in place first.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

Holland said:


> You absolutely have to get away from this woman but please be careful about following the advice to empty bank accounts etc. Where I live this is considered financial abuse and very much comes under the banner of domestic violence.
> 
> Have you looked for or spoken to any support services? Do you have employer funded counselling services? A family/friends network? Get a few things straight in your mind and services in place first.


Unfortunately I moved away from my friends to be with this woman and give her the life she wants, and my family don't do emotional things as they are narcissistic and I have always been the emotional scapegoat, so let's just say I am well between a rock and a hard place with absolutely no one to talk to or rely on apart from the internet :S


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

MenMarsWomenVenus said:


> Unfortunately I moved away from my friends to be with this woman and give her the life she wants, and my family don't do emotional things as they are narcissistic and I have always been the emotional scapegoat, so let's just say I am well between a rock and a hard place with absolutely no one to talk to or rely on apart from the internet :S


Any support services? Can you call the police and ask if they have a men's support service they can suggest?

An old friend that you could call in an emergency even if you have not seen them for years? OK they can't help with the logistics of this but you will need some emotional support.

I have seen the fall out of this type of horrendous life you are living and it is going to be hard on you emotionally. You absolutely need help with this.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

Calling the police telling them my wife is crazy probably wouldn't do anything and support wise I really don't have anyone, I thought about maybe joining an emotionally abusive support group in my city but I'll be honest the stress has been so intense I'm only able to drive again after a year of acrophobia and panic attacks, I just need to get away from this crazy woman.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MenMarsWomenVenus said:


> She is clever though as she makes out it's all my fault. Getting away from her isn't that easy, I know some people will think man up but the last time I broke up with her (and took her back like an idiot) she grabbed a large knife from the kitchen and threatened to do something to herself.


That's when you call 911 and say she's threatening to kill herself. They will show up, examine her, and probably take her to the hospital for observation. Guess what? She'll think twice about trying THAT trick again.

Do you have kids?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

MenMarsWomenVenus said:


> Calling the police telling them my wife is crazy probably wouldn't do anything and support wise I really don't have anyone, I thought about maybe joining an emotionally abusive support group in my city but I'll be honest the stress has been so intense I'm only able to drive again after a year of acrophobia and panic attacks, I just need to get away from this crazy woman.


OK I understand you don't have a support network but if you do anything today then it is to start finding that network. 

Do you live in a small or big city?
Do you have employer funded counselling available?

Honestly by what you write here your emotional and mental health state is dangerously low. That is not your fault and you most likely will need support to extricate yourself from this.

You can call services such as the police, hospital or whoever in an anon. way and just ask them to point you in the right direction. One step at a time but you deserve and need support. 

You may get some moral support online here but you need some really solid support.

We are in different countries but here are a few resources we have available, there must be similar in your part of the world. 

www.beyondblue.org.au/‎
www.lifeline.org.au
au.reachout.com/Abuse‎
Mensline - DVConnect 24hour domestic violence hotline, crisis counselling and support Pho: 1800811811

All of these services have free and usually 24/7 online or phone help. Take a look and see what is available in your city or at least read some of the info on these sites.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

The only thing stopping you from standing up for yourself are your own fears in the form of excuses. You know that. According to your story you've been doing it your entire marriage, probably most of your life. 

You say you are taking your life back. I say continue. Step by step, till you put a fork in that Nice Guy. 

Don't be afraid of her threats, or anyone else. We are only responsible for our own decisions in life. Feel the fear and do it anyway. 

Best


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Don't say a word. Empty the bank account. Open one in your name only and change your paycheck deposit. Remove your name from or close joint accounts. When she's not home, grab what you need and what is most precious to you and leave. Stay at a hotel until you can get a rental. File the papers asap. Go no contact and DO NOT respond to anything she says or does in any way. Communication can be handled through the lawyer.

If you're concerned for her mental health, you can call the local police, explain that you've left a mentally unstable wife who has, in the past, made suicide threats and ask they check on/monitor her.


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## Outside Again (Feb 1, 2016)

Dang MenMars; I think we are in very similar situations. Like you, I don't know what to do. it's like the only thing you can do is stay and live on edge because it's too difficult and complicated to even leave. It sucks man, I feel for you.


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