# Neglected Husband Looking for Answers



## Cattermole (Feb 1, 2014)

Thank God for this site! I have been married for close to five years. The wife and I get along pretty well in public but their sex life is on the outs. She is a teacher so we do it more when she has academic breaks. However, as soon as her schedule gets busy, sex goes out the window. Earlier this week she joked to a mortified husband (me) that she could go two weeks before needing an orgasm. This is a woman who two years ago, when she was a graduate student, had sex about twice a week.

When we do have sex, he always tries to put her first. She often refuses to let him pleasure her but orgasms multiple times, and sometimes intensely, when he does. However her desire for foreplay is rare. She treats sex like a transaction, telling him he only has "five minutes". When we are done, we both get up, shower and move to the next part of their day. This irks me, as a sensitive guy and knowing her proclaimed desire for "intimacy".

She is not the type to have a physical affair, although she has had an emotional one last year (The guy in question never made a move and she was too scared to initiate.) We recently moved to a new city. I am getting attention from the local ladies as I am working out more and losing weight. 

I am pretty serious about not looking at other women. Lately it is much harder to avoid obvious interest from other women when my wife is more into her work. 

I do not have a dominant personality but sat her down at least three times in the last five months to talk about the lack of sexytime. She is remorseful, changes course for a week, then neglects me again. 

The husband is affectionate toward her, verbally affirming, occasionally helps with chores and supports her career goals as he has had high-profile/pressure jobs. Still it seems like sex is not a priority for her. He feels like he is dying inside but sees no indication that she will change.
Questions:

1) Is this normal so early in a marriage? 2) What should I do? 3) Is there any chance of helping her change her workaholic way or did I make a big mistake with the type of person I married?

I have no idea what to do and looking outside the relationship for my needs is becoming more attractive as she wife continues to check out. I feel like I have no other choice and that a tryst would give us both what we think we want.

tl;dr: Wife is busy at work, forgets about sex life, husband getting restless after addressing neglect a several times.

What say you?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

IT is not that bad. If that is the worst situation in your marriage, congratulations.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Keep losing weight, building muscle. 

Raise your sex ranking.

Speak less with her. Be more decisive.

Listen to her carefully when she speaks.

Respond to her with action. 

Don't be a doormat.

The five minute rush sex is very bad. If she demands that, just decline to have sex with her. Don't limit your sexual behavior this narrow band of duty sex.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Keep losing weight, building muscle.
> 
> Raise your sex ranking.
> 
> ...


You are diagnosing the same problem every time. Stop it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

"Occasionally" helps with chores? Is she your maid? Don't you live there too? You don't get to complain about anything unless you're doing your part at home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Unless you plan on having affairs for the rest of your life this is not going to solve your problem and will more than likely make it worse.

She does not like sex all that much and probably never will.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

usmarriedguy said:


> Unless you plan on having affairs for the rest of your life this is not going to solve your problem and will more than likely make it worse.
> 
> She does not like sex all that much and probably never will.


I don't know that this is accurate. Note that while on breaks, their sex life is fine. But once she starts teaching again (likely with the increase in stress), it stops.

So while I agree that sex is not at the top of her list, I don't think it is at the bottom, either. Rather, she may have a hard time time getting into the mood when stress and life are swirling around.

So I would suggest making time for the two of you together. The suggestion around here is 15 hours a week. Not just date nights, but doing things together, be it playing a game, talking, cooking together, whatever.

Also, take a look at your own contributions as a partner. I agree that "helping with chores" sounds like you are doing her a favor. If you are both working, you should be splitting the chores and doing them as a team. Step up and be a man who takes care of his crap.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Cattermole said:


> She is not the type to have a physical affair, although she has had an emotional one last year (The guy in question never made a move and she was too scared to initiate.)


I see this as a big problem. She cheated and the only reason she did not have sex with another guy was not because it was wrong but because she was too scared.

How have you dealt with this? What steps has she taken to address her boundaries? Consider that she is still detached from you and the cheating is a symptom of her not wanting you anymore.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I did not say that she does not like sex, 
I said she does not like it all that much. 
In other words it is not a high priority item for her. She said she could go for two weeks without -even though she normally orgasms. She wants to get just it done quickly instead of making it a big deal.

She may be willing to have sex with him once a week and occasionally more for the rest of their lives. Often women that start low get worse after a kid or more. 

I do agree with everyone about dividing the chores equally.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

I guess I would ask if she is so busy, how did she have time for the EA, must have been not that stressed. Five years in, I'm on the fence about that. Been at the five year mark, 15 years ago. It can be robotic sometimes. But that 's when you spice it up. You have the ability. But if someones head is elsewhere then it's a little more difficult and complicated.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

usmarriedguy said:


> I did not say that she does not like sex,
> I said she does not like it all that much.
> In other words it is not a high priority item for her. She said she could go for two weeks without -even though she normally orgasms. She wants to get just it done quickly instead of making it a big deal.


My point is that she is letting other things get in the way. She appears to like it just fine when she has little stress. This is different than a person who truly does not like it that much.

Understanding that will help him understand her and what is happening. They need to work on her tuning out some of the every day stressors. It also helps him to avoid getting his hopes up when the sex picks up on a vacation or break and he thinks things have improved.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I disagree. 
It is totally consistent for someone who does not like to have sex that much (or anyone for that matter) -to be more interested when they are less busy.

My wife is exactly like that. She always enjoys sex but does not like it so much that she spends any time thinking about it and she is more interested when she is on vacation. 

I do agree that she is not a lost cause just because she does not like sex all that much. Once a week and occasionally three times on vacations has worked for us for many years. But I had to be the driver to make sure she would get to that spot.

I also disagree that sex was just fine two years ago. While they may have had it more often: 

"...her desire for foreplay is rare. She treats sex like a transaction, telling him he only has "five minutes"."


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

usmarriedguy said:


> I disagree.
> It is totally consistent for someone who does not like to have sex that much (or anyone for that matter) -to be more interested when they are less busy.


Again, not always. Some are never more interested.

So understanding what is going on and recognizing it for what it is are important first steps.



> I do agree that she is not a lost cause just because she does not like sex all that much. Once a week and occasionally three times on vacations has worked for us for many years. But I had to be the driver to make sure she would get to that spot.


If she is willing, there are things she can do that can help as well.



> I also disagree that sex was just fine two years ago. While they may have had it more often:
> 
> "...her desire for foreplay is rare. She treats sex like a transaction, telling him he only has "five minutes"."


I read that to be their current sexual dynamic. If that has been the norm throughout their relationship, then they have real problems.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"Some are never more interested."

Yes I agree, but that does not mean that liking sex more when someone is less busy is not normal. Some women just really do not like much sex and how busy they are is probably more of an excuse than an actual reason.

This strikes me as a pretty typical LD woman: 
does not think about sex much, 
likes it every couple of weeks, 
would probably let that go longer without complaint if he did not initiate,
Utilitarian in her love making
etc..


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Cattermole said:


> What say you?


I say stop referring to yourself in the third person, or at least do it consistently so you're not swapping back and forth from first to third. 'Cause that's just weird and confusing to read. 


Now, are you familiar with responsive desire? Many women enjoy sex, but don't go around thinking about it all day. Ladies like this need a guy to initiate in an appealing (to her) way in order to get them interested in having sex. So, are you initiating when you want sex and she's shooting you down? Or are you waiting for her to initiate and she doesn't?

Also, be aware that her desire for "intimacy" probably doesn't mean sex. It means sex to you, but maybe not to her. Are you two emotionally intimate?

This tryst that's becoming more attractive. Do you already have a particular woman in mind for that? 

I'm going to recommend you both read _His Needs, Her Needs _by Willard Harley. It may be eye-opening for both of you, and will give you some strategies for trying to meet one another's needs and have your own met at the same time.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Rowan said:


> I say stop referring to yourself in the third person, or at least do it consistently so you're not swapping back and forth from first to third. 'Cause that's just weird and confusing to read.
> 
> 
> Now, are you familiar with responsive desire? Many women enjoy sex, but don't go around thinking about it all day. Ladies like this need a guy to initiate in an appealing (to her) way in order to get them interested in having sex. So, are you initiating when you want sex and she's shooting you down? Or are you waiting for her to initiate and she doesn't?
> ...



Good points, but I can almost guarantee that one of her needs is for her husband to do more than "occasionally help with chores".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

When she gives you a deadline to get off is a real big turn off and I find that flat out ignorant. 

I would let her know that if she had time to seek another mans attention and thing progressed with him, would he also get a five minuet deadline to do his thing? 

I would let her know that she was forgiven for her EA and by acting the way she is now isn't showing that she's really into the marriage and if she can't show a little more affection then she can expect trouble down the road. 

To give your spouse a time limit is IMO telling him that she just tolerates him and that's a piss poor way of making a marriage work.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Time limit on sex, when it happens at all. Emotional affair that has been forgiven and she isn't doing EVERYTHING to keep the marriage strong?

I'm guessing this marriage is over. Just nobody knows it yet.


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## Cattermole (Feb 1, 2014)

These two comments stuck out to me in particular

1)


Tall Average Guy said:


> I see this as a big problem. She cheated and the only reason she did not have sex with another guy was not because it was wrong but because she was too scared.
> 
> How have you dealt with this? What steps has she taken to address her boundaries? Consider that she is still detached from you and the cheating is a symptom of her not wanting you anymore.


We have talked about the EA and put it behind us. She was working out of state last year. The guy in question was younger and reported to her. It is clear to me that the current behavior has more to do with work-life balance than the previously mentioned misstep. 


2)


lifeistooshort said:


> "Occasionally" helps with chores? Is she your maid? Don't you live there too? You don't get to complain about anything unless you're doing your part at home.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for the feedback. I am not a mysogynist or lazy. Chores become less important to me when I get busy sometimes or we fall out of our usual schedule is disrupted. It is unintentional a flaw that I have gotten progressively better at addressing during our five years together. 

Re: Trysts
I don't have a particular person in mind. However I frequently (once every other day) am getting inviting glances from on the street women I don't know and have not approached. When that happens and your wife doesn't seem to notice that you have a pulse or seem attracted, it makes you start to look at things differently. 

The real issues seem like the following: 
- Adjusting to her really busy schedule (normalizes apparent neglect)
- Me being more secure (takes care of cheating urge)
- Making sure we understand and try to meet the other person's needs
- Balancing chores so neither of us feels valued

Update: We finally were intimate earlier this week which brought down both of our stress levels.

You guys are great. This was really helpful advice and confirmed most of my suspicions.


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## spanz (Feb 6, 2014)

twice a week when you guys were in college? That should have been a warning sign back then. try to get her on hormone therapy, she needs help getting horny obviously. I am not a big fan of the "she is too busy or stressed" theory. The more busy or stressed I get, the MORE I want sex to relax with!


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