# Woosaa (need some advice and reassurance)



## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

Hello everyone, I am in need of some place to vent and def. for advice. I have been seeking TAM advice for a month or so now and it has been a great help. I wanted to put my story out here in order to bring clarity (prob will never get full closure), and to be more at peace. Here is my story:

Well I am 26 years old and my wife is 23 yrs old. At this time we are currently separated and she has moved back to her hometown with our almost 3 yr old daughter. Our marriage was very passionate and great until about 5 months ago. I rejoined the U.S. Military and it has been great. My wife was the one who initiate the conversation to rejoin because she saw I did miss it. When we arrived she was going hard at schooling and when I get home I would pretty much do everything. I would take our daughter and sometimes cook as well. I hold myself to a high standard and my wife sometimes fights with me on this when she needs a lazy day. 

Anyway she was becoming distant when her friend's parent offered to pay for the tickets for a trip overseas. She knew I would be upset about this because I do not like when she is with this friend and also a two week vacation is too much for just one of us. Either way I said ok because "i never let her to anything". Mind you I watch our daughter so she can go to the gym after I get out of work. Well we had arguments and I became somewhat resentful because she kept pushing me away. I told her my feelings and in her mind she needed space. Well she went home two weeks before the trip (gone a total of a month). She did this when I was at work. It hurt a lot and I missed my daughter so much. I was confused because I did not understand how she could do this after all my sacrifices for us and who it turned so quickly.

Well before the trip I did some research and come to find out she was talking to two men behind my back. I called her out and she just dismissed it and even lied about one guy. Well she goes on the trip and does not initiate contact with me (very difficult time for me, could not eat or sleep). She knew I was wondering who she was talking to and left me with the pain to deal with, in her words "our problems will still be here when I return." Regardless some other arguments ensued and she did come home.

She did not show me she changed like she said she did. We went to one session of MC and that same day she asked if we are going to work this out (of course after the ILYBNILWY speech). I told her no and went for a motorcycle ride. The next week before she left officially were good for us. She wanted me and she was sad to leave and I was also sad. Either way I knew it was the right thing. Many tears were shed, but it had to happen. 

Well she went home and started going out immediately. Well after the weekend of no contact ended she pursues me one night thru text begging to come back. I was not convinced this was real so I said no all night. Well next day she signs a lease and takes a part time job. I was jealous and my knee jerk reaction was to ask her to come back, so i did. She already made her mind so she stayed. 

Well now since that has happened her parents furnished her whole apartment and like always she has it made. We did make an agreement in writing before she left. Either way she still asked for more money from me. I did give her an extra hundred but not good enough. So here comes the resentment from her and painting a picture of me as a bad guy. I have not budged on the agreement. 

Either way right now she has been acting cold and seems to like her life. I had a weak moment a couple days ago and called her. Other then that I remain no contact except for our daughter. I am getting our daughter for two weeks come tomorrow (we are going on vacation to Puerto Rico), and I have daycare set up for one week every month before I deploy early next year (that is our agreement).

Well guys.....I need some help on how to get over this. I completely blocked her FB so I can't even see pictures. It is just extremely difficult to keep her off my mind. And also WTH is wrong with her, how can she do this. She did offer me full time with our daughter, but when I said I cant pay her because I will have the child, she quickly took it back. Well let me know what you guys think and please help me out.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

woosaa said:


> Well guys.....I need some help on how to get over this. I completely blocked her FB so I can't even see pictures. It is just extremely difficult to keep her off my mind. And also WTH is wrong with her, how can she do this. *She did offer me full time with our daughter, but when I said I cant pay her because I will have the child, she quickly took it back.* Well let me know what you guys think and please help me out.


I'd be more concerned with this right now than anything else. 

Was this in writing? In an email maybe?

Mother's don't just offer up their children like that. Do you believe her to be a good mother?


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## zappy (Jun 7, 2013)

Ceegee - There are women who could abort their baby at 6 months.

My wife used to go the Reston hospital with me every alternative weekend, she saw the limbs of the baby, heard the heratbeats, finalized a name for her and still aborted a perfectly healthy child at 6 months.

There are women like that, believe me.


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

I have the text where she offered her three weeks and she would only get her for one week. Everything else said was over the phone. Right now I believe she is a good mother in her mind, but certainly is being selfish as she is still going out and leaving our daughter with the in laws. I was considering further action if she continues to show any type of neglect or is unable to provide a stable life for our daughter. Being in the Military makes it difficult to pursue full time since I am deploying soon, and my parents live up north (I would need to leave my daughter with them when I go train for weeks or when I deploy).


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

Well I have been maintaining no contact until today. Wife wants to tell me she went on a date and only thought about me the whole time. I know she most likely wanted to clear her conscious and I let her know this. She shuts down when I confront her on why she is telling me this bs about her feelings. Anyway this is the first time I heard of her on a date so it stung some for me and needed to vent. At the end I said to her if you still want me then what are you going to do....well no solution of course. Any advice would help, I flirted with what she wanted to tell me and now I'm the one thinking about this.
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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

Well had a talk with the wife and she is certainly overwhelmed. So much so that we have now a verbal agreement that I will keep our daughter full time. This is certainly scary in a sense being in the military but it is what is best for our daughter. Of course the wife now has less stress after she is the one who left now slowly will truly have that single life. I also told her that now that I take our daughter full time that she is to stop playing with my head by sending me text about missing me. These caused her to get angry and rush off the phone. As long as I do things for myself and our daughter it makes things def easier. Sucks at times knowing she gets her wish but it is what it is.
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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Take care of your daughter above all else.


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## BetrayedNoMore (Mar 13, 2013)

Have a seat, this is going to be painful!

Number one, FOCUS on your daughter. Move mountains if you have to in order to spend time with your daughter. Here is the reality, you or your wife and do whatever you or she wants. That's a fact! Your daughter is not attached to your wife, they are not a pair. You are just as capable as she is in raising a child. If you don't believe your capable, grow a pair and LEARN! Do the 180 and make your daughter your 1st focus. Document, Document, Document and the more pictures the better. Ask yourself this question, if you and wife divorced how much time do you want to spend with your daughter and then DO IT NOW! Set the status quo and NEVER move out! She can sleep on the couch or move out. Again focus on the 180, and one of two things will happen. You will end up working towards reconciling or you will have learned to be an awesome single dad! If you are taking care of your daughter full time, GET IT IN WRITING and NOTARIZED! You may need it later!

EDIT: BTW North Carolina is a one party state. RECORD EVERYTHING!


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

BetrayedNoMore said:


> Have a seat, this is going to be painful!
> 
> Number one, FOCUS on your daughter. Move mountains if you have to in order to spend time with your daughter. Here is the reality, you or your wife and do whatever you or she wants. That's a fact! Your daughter is not attached to your wife, they are not a pair. You are just as capable as she is in raising a child. If you don't believe your capable, grow a pair and LEARN! Do the 180 and make your daughter your 1st focus. Document, Document, Document and the more pictures the better. Ask yourself this question, if you and wife divorced how much time do you want to spend with your daughter and then DO IT NOW! Set the status quo and NEVER move out! She can sleep on the couch or move out. Again focus on the 180, and one of two things will happen. You will end up working towards reconciling or you will have learned to be an awesome single dad! If you are taking care of your daughter full time, GET IT IN WRITING and NOTARIZED! You may need it later!
> 
> EDIT: BTW North Carolina is a one party state. RECORD EVERYTHING!


We had our own agreement but now that she wants me to have our daughter I def need to seek a lawyer especially with my deployment soon. Ive always been a good father and being a single father is scary but I can truly say our daughter is best with me amd my wife knows it. Well I will need to document all the dates and make receipts for the babysitter in order to prove my time with her and build my case. I did not want to go this route but with the wifes inconsistency I need to protect myself and our daughter. I have been doing to 180 fairly well and always have a strong mindset but for me hardest thing is when she is cold even though she says she wants back. But with this every time it makes it easier for me to move forward with my detachment.
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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

Feeling happy about getting my daughter full time and will be talking with a lawyer in order to set things in stone. Nonetheless I am feeling bothered on why my wife would give me our daughter full time. Part of me thinks in her head I will ask for her to come back when I am over whelmed, but not sure. Ive had our daughter during my vacation out of the states for two weeks now and no plan on when she will see her next.........any thoughts? should I even let these thoughts into my head?
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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

Update:

I still have our daughter full time and the wife had had limited contact (does not call often). She did decide to come down for 2 days because she missed our daughter. On her final day here she opened up to me about her feelings. I can tell she genuinely loves me and thought about taking it slow. She left to go back to her new apartment 10 hours away. The next day she has a night out with a girlfriend and this just bothered me. I expressed my feelings and she did acknowledge. 

Later in the day she brings it back up and for the most part is upset I am upset since she feels she has done nothing wrong. I do understand that hey maybe you have learned and are really doing nothing, but I can not let go of the past yet. So essentially I let her go and feel fine right now. She does continue to tell me to work on our relationship but wants to be able to go out at times. I am tired of telling her she needs to work at re earning my trust and that I can not let everything go without her doing any sort of heavy lifting. At this moment I am showing her I am moving on. Any advice?
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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> Any advice?


Yes, divorce her betraying ass as soon as possible and legally seek full custody of your daughter.

Your wife is neither marriage or parenting material. She's a lost cause.

By now, you should already know that your wife has been cheating on you with multiple men. It doesn't matter how far they went. You're not even #2 on her list. You're just a cushion she likes to lean on while she rests for her next fantasy.

You have far more options than you think you do. It will be difficult for a few weeks and maybe months, but you need to do this for your own sake and your daughter's future. 

There will come a day when you're dancing with your daughter and your crappy wife will wonder where it all went wrong. There's also a very small chance that your wife actually wakes up from her stupidity and tries very hard to earn your trust again. But don't bet on it. A pair of boobs and a vagina can go a long way in enabling a selfish woman to make selfish choices.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

It will be hurtful for your daughter to learn that her mom basically abandoned her in favor of a party lifestyle. You need to be the stable parent for her. Don't deny your daughter contact with her mother (or you may be charged with alienation) but don't go out of your way to encourage it, either. Your daughter doesn't need to be treated like a yo-yo, and just be around when her mother gets the urge to play with her 'dolly'. She's a little person with feelings. Focus on her. Do your best to build a 'family' network for your daughter. I know you're in the military, but is there any chance you can move nearer to your family? 

In seeking full custody, be sure to get the right to take your daughter with you if you get stationed in a different place. You don't want to have to end up somehow leaving her with her mother due to getting moved around by the military. Can you get any legal help through the military?


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> It will be hurtful for your daughter to learn that her mom basically abandoned her in favor of a party lifestyle. You need to be the stable parent for her. Don't deny your daughter contact with her mother (or you may be charged with alienation) but don't go out of your way to encourage it, either. Your daughter doesn't need to be treated like a yo-yo, and just be around when her mother gets the urge to play with her 'dolly'. She's a little person with feelings. Focus on her. Do your best to build a 'family' network for your daughter. I know you're in the military, but is there any chance you can move nearer to your family?
> 
> Thank you for your replies. I have not sought legal advice as of yet, but I will need to soon. I haven't been keeping my daughter from her mother, but she rarely calls for her. I will need to keep a log soon. It is unfortunate for my daughter and sucks when someone says they want this life, but will not undo her wrongs.
> 
> ...


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

Thank you for your replies. I have not sought legal advice as of yet, but I will need to soon. I haven't been keeping my daughter from her mother, but she rarely calls for her. I will need to keep a log soon. It is unfortunate for my daughter and sucks when someone says they want this life, but will not undo her wrongs.*My wife wants me to have our daughter majority of the time still, but next week I will drop her off for a couple weeks. What upsets me is I just found out my wife's best friend moved in with her to help with bills. I told my wife over the phone that is her business, but to just always do right by our daughter. Did upset her as she rushed off the phone quickly. After her visit I am surprised that I am able to keep from contacting her, I just feel since there is no action no point in having high expectations.

I do hate that this seems easy to her and of course when I say to do some heavy lifting, she takes it as I dont want to be with her. Regardless I know iam doing what is best and I have tried. When I do get my daughter back it will be for 3 weeks on and1 week off as of now. Lets see if the inconsistency returns since the wife seems to be getting pressure from her parents since she gave up on us. *
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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Your wife is moving on without you. She's playing house with another man. I hope you see that. 

It appears she has abandoned your daughter. You should keep looking after your daughter full-time so that you can get full or major custody.

Seek legal advice. Start protecting your money and assets.


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

synthetic said:


> Yes, divorce her betraying ass as soon as possible and legally seek full custody of your daughter.
> 
> Your wife is neither marriage or parenting material. She's a lost cause.
> 
> ...


Synthetic I appreciate giving it to me straight. I have my occasional moment of weakness and your words match most of my thoughts. I know what needs to be done, of course that little hope creeps in.
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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

woosaa said:


> Well I am 26 years old and my wife is 23 yrs old. At this time we are currently separated and she has moved back to her hometown with our almost 3 yr old daughter. Our marriage was very passionate and great until about 5 months ago. *I rejoined the U.S. Military and it has been great. My wife was the one who initiate the conversation to rejoin because she saw I did miss it.* When we arrived she was going hard at schooling and when I get home I would pretty much do everything. I would take our daughter and sometimes cook as well. I hold myself to a high standard and my wife sometimes fights with me on this when she needs a lazy day.



You know she got you to rejoin so that she can carry on her single lifestyle, right?

The fact she can "party" when married does not bode well for your marriage.

The fact that you will be away from home for long periods of time being in the military means she'll continue to carry on with other men when you're gone.

You're young. Be careful of weighing yourself down with the type of person your wife is.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Get things in writing, ASAP, including your parenting plan. This woman is flighty and can't be trusted. Her parents may push her to ask for more custody than she really wants. It won't make her a better mother, you'll just lose time with your daughter. 

Don't talk to her about heavy lifting, or anything else. Keep the talk about scheduling for your daughter, talk regarding legal procedings, and that's it. If you have to, write yourself out a 'script' or talking points that you can look at while you're talking to her, so that your emotions aren't tempted. She is an expert at pushing your buttons. Take that power away from her. 

See legal advice ASAP. You need this settled before you deploy.


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

aug said:


> You know she got you to rejoin so that she can carry on her single lifestyle, right?
> 
> The fact she can "party" when married does not bode well for your marriage.
> 
> ...


Seems about right. I will need to learn from this experience and def not make the same mistake again.
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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> Get things in writing, ASAP, including your parenting plan. This woman is flighty and can't be trusted. Her parents may push her to ask for more custody than she really wants. It won't make her a better mother, you'll just lose time with your daughter.
> 
> Don't talk to her about heavy lifting, or anything else. Keep the talk about scheduling for your daughter, talk regarding legal procedings, and that's it. If you have to, write yourself out a 'script' or talking points that you can look at while you're talking to her, so that your emotions aren't tempted. She is an expert at pushing your buttons. Take that power away from her.
> 
> See legal advice ASAP. You need this settled before you deploy.


I stopped talking to her about anything relationship related. Still does not contact our daughter too much and I will be logging this. Over the weekend she did try to reel me in with some text about missing me and that she loves me, but I completely ignored them fully. Also asked to borrow money to run a half marathon and again I just ignored it. I believe she threw that in there to start conversation or make me jeolous.

Well I will be following your advice and seek legal advice here soon. I did say I will drop off our daughter this weekend and she can stay with her mother for a few weeks. I am going to use this time to continue to move forward and heal. I have maintained no contact and actually have had minimal desire to contact the wife. I do feel a little sad today, partly because I will be dropping off my daughter and also because I do miss a few things (most likely feel like this due to the drop off coming up). 

I will not spend anytime with the wife when I drop off our daughter, she offered that I stay at her place for the night, but I will not be doing that. I do not even tell her my plans. I am thinking of things to do while I do not have my daughter. I do not have to many friends at the moment because I just got here recently, but want to stay busy. Any suggestions. I am on meetup so I will pursue that, also I enjoy boxing so may go train for the month after work on weekends. Also four day weekend coming up and most of my friends are busy, wanted to go to Ashville but either way I will decide on something.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Just wondering -- will you be seeing your daughter at all while she's with your STBXW? It's impossible to explain things to a 2 year old, and from her viewpoint, all she can see is first Mommy's gone, and now Mommy's here and Daddy's gone. If you can have a little time with her even a few times during these couple of weeks, I think it would be helpful for the both of you, IMO. 

Good for you on keeping the contact to a minimum and not answering her texts. If you're looking for ways to meet people, besides Meetup and working out (both standard recommendations), the other one I usually make is volunteering in your community. It helps to meet people with a common interest, and you feel good doing something that's important to you.

Good luck, woosaa.


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> Just wondering -- will you be seeing your daughter at all while she's with your STBXW? It's impossible to explain things to a 2 year old, and from her viewpoint, all she can see is first Mommy's gone, and now Mommy's here and Daddy's gone. If you can have a little time with her even a few times during these couple of weeks, I think it would be helpful for the both of you, IMO.
> 
> Good for you on keeping the contact to a minimum and not answering her texts. If you're looking for ways to meet people, besides Meetup and working out (both standard recommendations), the other one I usually make is volunteering in your community. It helps to meet people with a common interest, and you feel good doing something that's important to you.
> 
> Good luck, woosaa.


I did not think about going to go see her during the time she is away. I may have to make the long drive because what you say does make sense. The no contact is getting a lot easier. I have done some positive things thru work and this week coming up I attend a promotion board so I can make my E6. These are things I would of course like to tell her or even rub in her face a little (since I have to take care of our daughter and study with the added stress of healing). I will continue to take the high road.

We actually have Army community service and they will be able to set me up with some volunteer work. That is a great idea and will get me out and meet new people with common interest. Some of the friends I do have are somewhat bitter with some of their own similar situations and I do not want to have every single outing involve alcohol. I def appreciate the advice, today is a little tough for some reason but I was given the opportunity to come home to study while D3 is at daycare and now I also have some things to research to keep busy. Thank you


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Woosaa,

Follow the commandments. They are specifically for married men with walkaway or cheating wives. Every item is there for a reason. Don't skip any of it. If you follow them and not regress, you'll be a whole new man within weeks. 

*Synthetic's 10 Commandments*:

1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*

2. Follow the following rules: *The 180 degree rules*

3. Read this short book in the next 24 hours: *No More Mr. Nice Guy
* 
4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night. 

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: *DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?*

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend time with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

Just drove 10 hours to drop our daughter off and 10 hours back to make it back home with a 5 minute drop off. It is tough saying bye to my daughter but she needs to spend some time with her mother. I am just trying my best to look at my wife as just our daughter's mother. During the drop off I said no more then 3 words to her and stayed only to drop off the bags and give our daughter a hug and kiss.

I wanted my wife to see that I am truly done so my way was to make this drive without no extracurricular activities in between. Received a text from the wife last night around 3am:

x: I hope you got home safely. It makes me sad that you couldn't even give me a hug. But goodnight. Glad to know you've moved on. I'll be the only idiot still thinking about you.

Again I do not respond to anything not involving our daughter. I want her to get the hint, but even still does not get why I am doing this (she made zero action on her words of earning my trust back). Well trying to keep busy and I actually feel good today, going to gym, get a haircut, study, and most likely go for a ruck later tonight.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I know that must have been very hard for you, Woosaa, but it sounds like you did a great job! She really is manipulative, isn't she?  

10 hours each way is tough, but I hope you'll be able to see your D even once or twice. If her mother was easier to deal with, you might be able to select a halfway point where you can take D to a park and play for a while and get something to eat while her mother goes shopping or something. That may be something to work toward for the future.

Again, good for you!


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

So the wife now wants to change the custody agreement again. Now she wants our daughter for 3 weeks instead of me having her 3 weeks and her one week. This comes about after I did the drop off showing her with my actions that I am done. She wanted money for child support for this month (said I will pay the 1st according to the old agreement even though I have primary custody at the moment).

Basically I am going to just speak with a lawyer this week and get something in writing. Most likely going for 50/50 and no less than that. I essentially said she will have to wait for the payment and she comes at me with a few text saying she wants primary care now. I know it is about control for her, but it def bothered me yesterday and obviously still on my mind this morning. I just continue to ignore her completely. To her text I just replied no to her demand and said I will continue to be the majority parent. 

I have a promotion board come tomorrow so this is effecting my studying today and yesterday. I still am confident and mostly prepared, but S*** I just want the games to end. I know I am silly for wanting this. Either way still missing having a family, but going to do my best to learn to live alone again until I pick up my daughter.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Geez, that sucks, Woosaa, but not altogether a surprise. I figured she was going to ask for more custody once she got your D back. From now on, only involve lawyers. If she can't afford one, too bad so sad. Stand up for your rights, especially in the face of someone so selfish and not equipped to be a good parent. 

Take some deep breaths, tell yourself you'll deal with her tomorrow (or the next day  ), and just concentrate on your studying today. Don't even look at her texts if you possibly can. One day/thing at at time, Woosaa. You can do it. Stay strong.


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> Geez, that sucks, Woosaa, but not altogether a surprise. I figured she was going to ask for more custody once she got your D back. From now on, only involve lawyers. If she can't afford one, too bad so sad. Stand up for your rights, especially in the face of someone so selfish and not equipped to be a good parent.
> 
> Take some deep breaths, tell yourself you'll deal with her tomorrow (or the next day  ), and just concentrate on your studying today. Don't even look at her texts if you possibly can. One day/thing at at time, Woosaa. You can do it. Stay strong.


Absolutely. Just took a good shower and we had some good pt this morning. Right now I am studying and feel good. Going to take her crap as motivation and like you said only involve lawyers for now on. Going to schedule an appointment today then after the board come tommorrow I can start getting this agreement for sure. I actually have this day by day book for addicts I found in my car when I bought it used. One of the days specifically talked about living day by day. To truly do this we do not ponder on the past or our past mistakes. For that matter we do not even worry about the unexpected in the future. So I will take that and continue to try to actually live day by day.

ohhh. And to also have low expectations of the wife
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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

Today was a rough day. The wife calls me yesterday asking me why im cold, i ignore. She then tells me she wants to go officer now in the army and wants to talk about it. I just say hey tell me what documents you need in a list and I will send them to you. What you do with your life is not my concern.

After that it did sink in, I feel she knew this would bother me. Just seems since I have been completely shut down to her she continues to throw different things at me. I do not entertain them and I believe this is why she keeps changing her mind to see if I react. Any thoughts?

Well I did speak with the lawyer and put in the retainer. I will be serving the wife and going from there. I am tired of the inconsistency. I also want that shock factor and for her to see I am not f**king around. I need to prepare myself for hell to break loose once she gets served. I do not think she believes I will ever serve her, it is not something I would usually do because I did not want to spend the money plus I usually handle my own issues. 

Just been a stressful day , feeling anxious. Confused on to why she keeps with the head games or does she do what she is doing on purpose. Already I have given her too much thought in the past couple minutes.....Yeah Im done for now


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

I have been complete no contact with the ex even to the point where she reached out thru text to congratulate me on passingmy promotion board. She called me last week asking why I am being cold and I essentially said what is it you need and rushed off the phone. I know in the 180 it says to show them someone who is happy. 

My question is she sees me as cold, which for me it is being direct and putting down those boundaries just for our daughter. The ex does not reach out too much to me, which is fine. I have been fortunate that my daughter is usually at the parents house so I can easily skype with her thru them. Do I continue giving the cold shoulder, I feel if I do not I will get sucked into a conversation with the ex.
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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Since you're still feeling vulnerable with conversation, I would still keep it to just to things about your daughter or any legal agreements at this point. It's lucky for you that you mostly don't have to go through her to have access to your daughter. 

It's not your problem if she sees you as cold. She's been manipulative and insensitive to you, and she thinks she deserves warmth and loving-kindness from you? As I've said before, she's delusional. She needs to get it in her head that her behavior has cost her something this time. it hasn't before, so she's having a hard time believing it.

And CONGRATS!! on passing the promotion board!! Especially with the stress you've been under. :smthumbup:


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

ok good, i def do not like being cold, but I want her to see how much she messed up. I am sure it will take a while for that to happen. She is the type of person, along with her family, that do what they want first and then say sorry afterwards. She is no different. I have been having some tough times lately just with the upcoming deployment stress and not having my daughter at the moment. I do feel she has some control thru that, but I have not showed her how I feel.

I did speak to a lawyer and put in my retainer. I just want something thru the court even if it is our original agreement. I am very tired of the inconsistency and the attempt to play mind games. I do not plan to tell her that she will be getting served soon, Should I?

And thank you for you words angel, it is def a good reminder of the truth. In her head she apologized so I should be all open arms, but she is seeing first hand for the first time that I am done.


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

Latest text from the ex last night at 3am, most likely after her work shift:

ex: There are just some nights where i want to melt into you. tonight is one of those nights. but i know, no response

Me: ....

ex: idk what.....means

ex: well at least i got a response. but i would love to be with you right about now.

.....................................

Past few days she has been in my head, i did start playing on a softball team so that is something positive. 

I continue to ignore the ex but I just feel like there is this weight on my shoulders. anyway just sucks. Also I did text earlier today to ask if she is with our daughter, and no response. So i just called the in laws and surprise... she was there so I was able to speak with her today. 

Ahhhh. I know it takes time, but hey little progress at a time


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

Sent this text to the wife after shes been trying to talk to me. Just didnt feel right with her. Too many words from her. Anyway what do u guys think?


Look ex (name was here). ...im not going to string u along. You and I is not going to happen. It is truly over between you and I. I want what is best for d3 and we will co parent the best we can. At this time you can go date and what not. Im confused on whether our love was true or not, and you know what....its ok. I learned a lot and will become a better man, father, and husband for who ever is next. Thank you for the good times and good luck with everything here going forward
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

I think that's a great text.. She'll hate it, but it was very good.. I'm in a bit of the same boat as you.. my soon to be ex cheated, and it's hell going through it.. 


Stay strong. It's hard, especially as the feelings die, I find.. you sound like you are getting in a good place..


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

browneyes74 said:


> I think that's a great text.. She'll hate it, but it was very good.. I'm in a bit of the same boat as you.. my soon to be ex cheated, and it's hell going through it..
> 
> 
> Stay strong. It's hard, especially as the feelings die, I find.. you sound like you are getting in a good place..


Thank you. It is not easy this past weekend. I went down to miami and she reached out a few times crying to me. I ignored that but she kept at it with missing me and bringing up a deployment and syria stuff. So I got sucked in and felt I would send that text to redeem myself. I been feeling a lot better in general but gets confusing because you want to believe the words but see no action.

plus what a coincidence she misses me when I go to miami. Trying to continue to take the high road, sucks because her reaching out makes me grow continually unattracted to her and just want to stick it to her. I'll hold off for now. Get my baby girl back next week so I will concentrate on that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

I am getting a little upset. All day yesterday the wife is trying to win me back thru text saying she will do anything and being open about some of her mistakes. I listened and responded to some text, I did lash out a little (needed to release some anger i was holding in). I did put her down in the end because I just cannot buy in to her justifications. 

Well she tells me our daughter will be with her parents that night. I call to skype many times and get no answer. I sent some nice text asking the wife for the moms cell phone or to at least let the parents know. Anyway same thing today. I text the wife early today to see where our daughter will be and zero answer. I called the parents and zero answer.

Just getting a little frustrated because I spent the weekend in Miami and used that time to myself so I did not talk to my daughter much. The wife is one to quickly respond to a text message and also if the parents know I am going to call and do not at the time I say they will contact me. 

I asked her if she is blocking me from our daughter and still no answer. Well I do get her next week, but again it is too easy for them to allow me to skype....WTF


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your wife is a pulling a half-ass version of the 180 on you.

That's how committed she was to doing "anything" to save your marriage 

You gotta admit, it works, doesn't it? It's gotten you all frustrated and anxious. Well, take that away from her. Be patient and let the urge of Skyping slip, otherwise she's won.

Stop texting her. You're giving her exactly what she wants. Not only she hasn't done anything to win you back, she has actually 1-upped you once again. See how it works now?

Step up your game.


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

synthetic said:


> Your wife is a pulling a half-ass version of the 180 on you.
> 
> That's how committed she was to doing "anything" to save your marriage
> 
> ...


Ohh I def see what you mean and you are def right. It does bother me because I keep regular contact with my daughter when she is not with me and now she knows this is the one thing that will hurt me. I will resist that urge to skype in order to keep from texting the wife. I will call the parents house though everynight to see if my daughter is there, but I will not inquire with the wife whether or not our daughter is at her parents and why they are not answering. 

I always appreciate your feedback and I like when people tell me things straight and are blunt. But yes the wife can be good at the 180 and then she gets her breakdown and back to doing my 180 and let her see that keeping my daughter away will not effect me the way she wants it to.

So Synthetic, I start pulling my 180 and lets say I am not able to talk to my daughter as much. Will she use this against me or crack and start coparenting the right way


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

update:

Well she actually got served today. She is pretty upset and wants to do mediation. Also she says if she has to spend the money on a lawyer then she will go for full custody and making threats that I will not see our daughter. I told her we are going to court...the end. Well she is keeping me from our daughter and prob told her parents not to pick up the phone if I call. I will just hang tough and get her the 15 and record her abandonment as far as not allowing me to talk to our daughter.

She acts like this is some grand surprise and does not see her inconsistency in all of this. Kills me how stupid or denial she is. Anyway I will be painted as a bad guy for a while, ohh well


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Oh, I'm sorry, Woosaa. She has no right to deny you access to your daughter. That is not going to be viewed very positively by the judge, especially when you've been a good father. Keep records of every time you try to make contact and cannot.

Why is it that these people destroy their marriages and cause so much devastation, then get all pissy when their BSs want to take them to court and not use mediation? issed:


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

So I have been doing pretty well. Counseling is going good, work and my social life is def kicking off again. Today is my stbxw bday and last night I went to my neighbors house for some drinks. I ended up slipping and texting the ex and we did talk on the phone (I completely forgot it was her birthday so I am upset I made this mistake on this day). Well I do not feel like it is so much as a set back, but man I have to blame the jack and coke on this one. Either way I am doing fine today and back to no contact with her.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Glad to hear things are going well for you, Woosaa. Don't beat yourself up on the text and talk -- In the future, just remember not to Jack-and-coke without adult supervision.


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

What are some of your feelings After you hooked up with someone?

I just did earlier today and I just dont feel anything. It was a little fun but nothing too special. That sounds cold but just the way im feeling at the moment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

Why can't we just make this effing work

latest text from the wife last night. I waited and just responded...its over. I do not see us working towards a R. I feel she has yet to do any work and in her mind if we are working towards R she wants to be on equal ground. For me when she said that it was the last straw and we haven't spoken all week. 

I feel I have lost so much respect for her. Ive been getting really use to being solo and my daughter and I when I have her. Last night I decided to go to a few bars by myself. Man it was a good time. Talked to so many people, played some beer pong, and ended up taking a nap in the car (I drank to much to drive). 

Either way im surprised at how im feeling towards her since I was very much in love when we were together. I just been feeling numb towards her. Thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Sounds like you are just achieving a level of detachment, Woosaa. It's taken awhile because you lived with her and her drama for so long, but since you've been physically apart, the blinders have come off and you've been able to see her more for who she really is/has been. And you're realizing that she was not a good match for you. 

But I'm curious about your first statement in your post? What is it that you want to work?


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> Sounds like you are just achieving a level of detachment, Woosaa. It's taken awhile because you lived with her and her drama for so long, but since you've been physically apart, the blinders have come off and you've been able to see her more for who she really is/has been. And you're realizing that she was not a good match for you.
> 
> But I'm curious about your first statement in your post? What is it that you want to work?


Hey Angel,

At first I felt if she were to show improvement we would have a chance. She would need to show me real change. I guess my confusion or my inclination lately is whether or not she does work on her issues I feel I am going to be over her. Im starting to really feel that yes she is not the right match for me. I am not waiting so her time to redeem herself is almost completely gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

I still want her to work on her issues to be a good mother, but I feel that without the hope of me taking her back she will not find the help. But I am going to put that on her, I have made it clear that there is no chance
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

It is totally on her. She needs to want to be a good mother for her child, not for you. You can't make her be a good parent. And that's sad for your daughter, and for you having to watch it. A lot of us are trying to be a better parent partly to make up for our exes, so I know what you're going through.


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

well yesterday after 8 months my wife finally admits to me that she did physically cheat on me and the reason she left was because she knew if she told me I would prob have killed her. I always had that gut feeling she did sleep with the other guy, but now that it is true everything makes sense. I am glad I know but certainly still feel hurt. I did unload on her as she was trying to apologize thru text. I slept ok and have not talked to her today. 

For the past 8 months it has been difficult but for about 2 months I have changed into the old me but with even more confidence. I still feel the same, but now have a few thoughts throughout the day of her actually cheating and just how low that is. Yes I am pissed about it, I think I am more upset that she left instead of telling me the truth. Ohh well, I will just keep busy the best I can and decided I am going to take the high road once again and not beat her up about it. I will let her deal with the realization that now I truly know and she cant blame shift S**t anymore.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Go back to my first reply to this thread and read what was so easy to see in your story from day 1.

I realize how hard it can be to accept the betrayal of a woman you've loved. Denial is so much easier than acceptance. I've gone through it myself.

Now that you know, throw her out of your life like a dirty cloth. Women like that deserve to face the music for their actions. You can never truly love her again. She lost her place in your heart and it's up to you now to properly fill that vacant spot with something worthy. She ain't worthy.


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

Synthetic thank you for the reply. Yes yesterday I told myself I am not going to ask her about her cheating anymore and just let it go. I have been doing good and this is somewhat of a set back and brings back memories, but I am trying my best to keep busy and just let it go. I do not want anger to get the best of me and I realize it will do nothing. And yes she is not worthy of me and I certainly realize that.


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