# D-day from man's p.o.v.



## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

I have been on this forum for a few months now---it helps me a lot going through this separation/divorce and I am another gal lookin' for a man's perspective please.
My H walked out on our marriage due to my son's mental/emotional illness issues---he's 10 and handful, trust me. He called almost 2 weeks ago, re-iterated that he wants the divorce and I said (again) if you want it, you get it. I don't want to do the work in ending this---he wants it, I feel he should do it. So why hasn't he? 
While I have you, can you tell this grieving woman if he ever thinks about me/wonders about me/remotely loves me still? 
Just curious on many fronts...thanks for your time :0)


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

faithaqua said:


> I have been on this forum for a few months now---it helps me a lot going through this separation/divorce and I am another gal lookin' for a man's perspective please.
> My H walked out on our marriage due to my son's mental/emotional illness issues---he's 10 and handful, trust me. He called almost 2 weeks ago, re-iterated that he wants the divorce and I said (again) if you want it, you get it. I don't want to do the work in ending this---he wants it, I feel he should do it. So why hasn't he?
> While I have you, can you tell this grieving woman if he ever thinks about me/wonders about me/remotely loves me still?
> Just curious on many fronts...thanks for your time :0)


Is he walking out or did he cheat on you?


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

I may be way rare, but................


yes. majority of the time.


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## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

In reply to the question: he walked out. 
My friends/family tell me that he hasn't filed yet because there's money and time involved--neither of which he claims to have much of. I, of course, am reading a more romantic view into things such as perhaps he's not filing because he's not 100% sure---though the last conversation we had was him saying that he didn't want to 'drag this out' anymore.
Wondering why I haven't seen those papers come my way---he talks like it's no big deal at all---that hurts the most.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

There’ll be many different answers to your questions.


The only person who knows the correct answers are your H.


Ask him your questions. Just do it.



Keep your questions very plain and simple. “I’d like to know why haven’t you started the divorce yet?”. “I’d like to know if you ever think about me and if you still love me?”.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Given what little you told us, yes he is probably thinking of you. If he really only is leaving because of your son. Is that all to this story?


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## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

I am going to reply to both sets of questions:
First, I have asked him directly re: feelings, he says he's 'not going there' and he doesn't have to tell me how he feels---his direct quote "I don't owe you anything."
Second, of course the story is twisted with so many complications, but yes, he states that he left because he couldn't handle the insanity of my son anymore--he has a daughter (who I miss daily) and he said he feared for her, though I was a great step-mom and we were very close and my son NEVER hurt her. My son and my H had tremendous animosity toward each other and my son's mental/emotional illness make him unreasonable---not to mention that he's only 10. My H recently celebrated 1 year sober, but when he left, he only had 6 months so he was on the edge for many, many reasons. Like I said, yes, there's more but that's the nutshell version of the nuthouse :0)


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

faithaqua said:


> I am going to reply to both sets of questions:
> First, I have asked him directly re: feelings, he says he's 'not going there' and he doesn't have to tell me how he feels---his direct quote "I don't owe you anything."
> Second, of course the story is twisted with so many complications, but yes, he states that he left because he couldn't handle the insanity of my son anymore--he has a daughter (who I miss daily) and he said he feared for her, though I was a great step-mom and we were very close and my son NEVER hurt her. My son and my H had tremendous animosity toward each other and my son's mental/emotional illness make him unreasonable---not to mention that he's only 10. My H recently celebrated 1 year sober, but when he left, he only had 6 months so he was on the edge for many, many reasons. Like I said, yes, there's more but that's the nutshell version of the nuthouse :0)


If he loves you and he's only leaving because of the situation in the house, yes I'm sure he thinks about you and wishes things could be different. It's kind of irrelevant though since the situation is what it is. Unless you're willing to put your kid in boarding school or something.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Maybe he just doesn't want to do the work involved? Don't read into this romantically. If he's telling you he wants a divorce, it's unlikely that he is using it as a manipulative tool. Just call him back and ask him why he is urging you to get the divorce instead of going for it himself. Does he want you guys to go together to an attorney or something? He's being straightforward and saying flat out that he wants a divorce; assume he means it and go from there.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If your interactions were like a pickup basketball game, would you say it was more like you and him against your son, or you and your son against him? 

What I mean is, did you support each other in parenting decisions, discipline ect....? Or did you often overrule discipline because you felt bad for your son's situation? I can imagine that parenting a child with emotional issues is difficult. I can also imagine that parenting him with parents who are not on the same page....not showing a united front, would be unbearable.

I'm not saying he was right to leave, and my comments are a little colored because you mention that he is not your son's father, but I'm not convinced that the only two to play a role in his decision to leave were him and your son.


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## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

tofhub said:


> Whether or not he still thinks about you is irrelevant if he said he wants out. Also, it seems as though you are making an excuse for him by saying your son is hard to handle. Did he know about your son before you got married? (I'm assuming he did). It isn't like you sprung anything on him out of the blue. He has told you that you and your son are not worth being there for. Plain and simple. He has disrespected you and your son. Vows mean something. If he doesn't want to be around, good riddance. I am sure both you and your son deserve better.


Yes, he knew about my son---my son has been in and out of mental facilities since he's been 5 years old. My son now has allegations against him so he may be placed in a residential facility by the end of the month. When it rains, it pours....


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

So sorry about your son. In and out of mental facilities since the age of 5? I can't even imagine how much courage and effort that takes as a mother.

As for your husband, I dont know. I think asking him is the only way to get an answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

There is no point in asking.

Often the expectation is that the one spouse that is causing consternation will provide us with the answers we so desperately crave.

And they can't ... or they won't...

Often they don't actually know what the hell they are doing. There is no certainty, no plan, simply that they don't like where they are and how things are going ... that's it.

My gut tells me there is someone else, simply by the nature of his answers. It's classic distancing language, and it is meant to validate his decision to leave ... and start something new.

My advice? Let it lie. Don't call him. Don't initiate anything. Don't ask about the divorce ... presuming you don't want it.

You have two choices in these circumstances; 

Wait and see, or beat him to the punch.

Start the divorce process and make it clear to him how ugly, painful, and draining it will be ... but you need to be willing to fight and throw some punches. At that point, you will know how serious he is about 'not owing you anything'.

Is he the boy's father? You said 'my son' not 'our son'.


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## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

Thanks for the replies...he is my son from my first marriage. 
H and I just had a mini-relay of texts---he stated that he's tired of my assumptions of him being with someone else and he doesn't think that us talking is a good idea (right now). 
I just have to accept and get over my hurt---easier said than done but I am alone in this---guess I always have been.


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