# very long, but desparate for help



## scleary8100 (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi Everyone,
I have been married for 8 years and we have 2 children, ages 7 and 3. My husband also has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship. 
My husband has suffered from depression since he was a child...his mother said he would throw up when he was 7 if he had a spelling test at school that day...he would also get really freaked out if he got his socks dirty when he was a child...just always had to be perfect. He is extremely smart and has always been, but he's always worked himself up so much to be perfect. There are other things, but those are the two that come to mind at the moment. 
A year after we got married, he became very depressed, but he was also very angry...would throw things, yell, and be verbally abusive. I ended up taking my son and leaving the state to go and live with my parents...at that time I wanted a divorce, but he promised to get help and he did. We worked out our problems and honestly we had a great marriage for about 5 years. His therapist taught him ways to cope with stress and he was also diagnosed with bipolar and he was given medications. Everyone said how he had completely changed...even my mom, who wanted me to divorce him originally couldn't believe the changes. 
He was on the medication for about a year and since everything was great it was my idea that he get off of them, since they were causing him to have no sex drive...it was probably stupid of me, but I was young and nieve and didn't really know how depression works. 
We stilll had a great marriage for a few years, but then we ran into a lot of money problems and he started to get distant...he told me it was just stress and that he was handling it. 
Well about a month ago, I came out and asked him if he wanted a divorce...honestly, thinking he would say no....well he said yes, but he was crying and seemed to be really sad. The next day I wrote him an email and told him that I did not want a divorce and thought that we could save our marriage...he said he would be willing to try for the kids. 
He was still acting distant, so I decided to do some research...I checked our phone records and found out that he had been communicating with a woman through phone calls and text messages...basically all day, everyday...except when he was sleeping. I confronted him and he denied that there was anything going on. He told me that she was having marital problems too and they were helping eachother. I didn't believe him and left...still hoping to work it out, but he was very adimant that he wanted a divorce, but would come over crying and saying how sorry he was, but still denying the affair. 
He finally admitted it and told me how sorry he was and that he just felt empty and that we had no connection, but he wanted to be with me and make our marriage work. I came back home...honestly, I thought something was wrong with me because I was not even that upset about the affair, I was just so relieved that he wanted our marriage to work. The next day is when I broke down about the affair...but still wanted my husband and I to work it out and get stronger from it...if that makes sense. 
A few days later my husband started acting distant again. He said he doesn't think we can survive after all of this and doesn't think I will ever be able to get over what he did, but said he is trying. After a few days of doing nothing but texting him and pretty much begging for him to give 100% to try and save our marriage and just talking in circles...I decided to just take a step back and stop talking about our problems and focus on myself...like losing weight, getting a job, talking care of my appearance...etc....I've just been trying to make myself a happier person. 
My husband and I have been getting along great, we haven't argued about anything in a while, but he has been having a lot of anxiety attacks and says it's from everything going on. He hasn't had a good night sleep in a while and says he can't even really function or think clearly. He told me he wants to be happy, but doesn't know how. He also told me that it's hard for him to be affectionate with me because of how empty he feels and the guilt from the affair...he couldn't even tell me in person that I looked nice the other day...he told me in a text message the next day...it's like he's scared to complliment me or connect with me, but it's what we are both craving. 
I told him last night that I don't want to be the cause of him being miserable and that I love him enough to let him go if that's what he wants...he said he doesn't really know what he wants and that it's not me...it's him. He said he's trying really hard to get feelings back. 
He also told me that he sees how I am changing and how I am being a good wife and doing things for him, but it makes him feel worse. 
He is going to make an appt with a counselor, but doesn't want to go on any medication...even though I really believe he needs it. 
Sorry this was so long and thank you to whoever took the time to read all of it...I seem to go on and on when I type...but I am also just trying to put it all out there!
My question is, does it sound like he's depressed again or just doesn't want to be married?
I have not been perfect during our marriage...I am not very good with money, which has caused a lot of arguments and I started being angry a lot...but I think it's because of his lack of affection and from him not being able to show me that he loves me. 
I just don't know what to do...I don't want a divorce and I want my marriage to get stronger.
Thanks again!


----------



## scleary8100 (Mar 8, 2011)

anyone?


----------



## openheart (Mar 8, 2011)

First of all, if he is indeed bi-polar it is a physical condition just like having diabetes and he most likely needs to be on medication. It sounds like he could be in a deep depression right now and that may be the number one problem here. Encourage him to see a good therapist ASAP. As far as your marriage, good for you for sticking through it. Remind him that you guys made vows to each other to stay together for life and continue to do anything it takes. Your marriage can be repaired and can be better than ever. I would say have him go to the therapist and psychiatrist and hopefully get on medication again and also go to a marriage and family therapist to work out marriage issues. God bless you.


----------



## scleary8100 (Mar 8, 2011)

Thanks for the response...
Things have actually been a lot better the last two nights....he also has an appointment with a therapist on Monday. I am hoping the therapist can talk him into going back on medication, since it worked wonders before. 
He never cheated before though and has always told me that he never would and how wrong it was. I'm just not sure if I will ever be able to trust him again, but I am trying very hard to save my marriage. To be honest, the only reason I haven't kicked him out is because I know how hard it will be on my kids and I can't support myself and my kids on my own right now...even with child support. 
I do love him and even though I want it to work at the moment for the wrong reasons, I do hope that we can get to a "happy" place again.


----------



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Okay, we're in similar situations, except mine insists there is no one else. 4 years ago, my H did have an EA, and he committed to us and we worked it out. Not sure what's going on now, but a lot of the signs are there but I can't find proof. The only thing is that there is an ex girlfriend 2,000 miles away that is a huge cause of concern for me. But enough about me. I just see parallels in your situation.

Are you sure the OW is out of the picture? It really seems like he's still being pulled in that direction. Don't play the fact down that it was just email communication or phone conversation. It is an emotional affair and is just as bad, if not worse in this case, as a physical affair. He's in a fog, and you just don't look appealing because everything is greener on the other side. You are choosing the right course of action in taking a step back. But I'd do some more investigation.


----------

