# Wife texting a co-worker



## coolcory (Jul 27, 2016)

Need honest advice on the events that led up today.
1) Wife became depressed almost 2 months ago
2) Took a new role within the company (we both work for the same company in the same building)
3) She said many hurtful things such as; I'm not attracted to you, I don't have feeling for you, I don't like the way you kiss etc etc
4) She admitted she was attracted to guy at work; they would text nonstop all day, night. They went to lunch almost every day.
5) She became very emotional and ended up in rehab for 2 weeks for her depression.
6) She was released and went on short term disability for 6 weeks of therapy.
7) While in therapy her therapist recommended she write a letter to this co-worker stating it’s over and she need to work on her marriage etc. She complied and I was copied.
8) Her therapist recommended she move out of the department she is in and have no contact with this guy. – She did not comply. That’s where my story begins.
Everything has been going great since she went through therapy. She has been very loving and affectionate. We have gone on many trips as a family, we have date nights, sex life is awesome! Even had family photos taken. 
The problem I have is that she has not moved out of that department, she said she still has feelings for the guy, but they are diminishing. I asked if they still text and talk and she said yes we still talk but not like we used to. I asked about texting and she said yes. I asked if she is deleting the texts and she said yes. I said what are you hiding? She said nothing. Then why are you deleting the texts? I put my foot down and said do you think taking with him every day is helping or hurting our marriage? She said I’m sure it doesn’t help. She said she would only go out there if it was work related. She said I will just need to TRUST her and know she’s doing the right thing. 
Looking for honest advice and support.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

If you work at the same company, at the same building as both your wife and this guy; make your physical presence known.

Spend more time around your wife at work. Make it obvious that you're her husband and you're in the same fricking building.


Seriously .. .


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

coolcory said:


> Need honest advice on the events that led up today.
> 1) Wife became depressed almost 2 months ago
> 2) Took a new role within the company (we both work for the same company in the same building)
> 3) She said many hurtful things such as; I'm not attracted to you, I don't have feeling for you, I don't like the way you kiss etc etc
> ...


IME...when someone says "Trust me"....you should do the opposite.

She needs to leave that department. 
She needs to not delete texts
She needs to not text him

You need to set boundaries and keep them
You need to set consequences for violation of any agreement she has made in Terms of NO CONTACT.

You have allowed too much to happen with the OM. Unless you take a VERY hard line....this is going to end badly


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Time to read No More Mr. Nice Guy. There is a free PDF online, just search for it. You come across as a very weak person. No wonder she is walking all over you. Man up or be prepared to lose your wife.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

The affair will never be dead as long as there is contact in any way, shape, or form.

As long as you can stomach that, carry on as you are.

Also, if it were me, she would never be able to convince me that it never went physical given them taking lunches together, plus giving you the speech about not being attracted to you, etcetera. 

Accept it. It likely went physical.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

coolcory said:


> I put my foot down and said do you think taking with him every day is helping or hurting our marriage? She said I’m sure it doesn’t help.


Talking to him she admits doesn't help your marriage but on top of this she says that you will have to "trust" her???

I think you need to put your foot down further, like through the floor, and demand that she stops talking to him and that she would have to verify that with her texting records. If not, maybe that would make you free to text, talk to and see other women. I wonder what she would say to that.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

is this guy married?


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## coolcory (Jul 27, 2016)

yes he's married with kids and grand kids


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Time to read No More Mr. Nice Guy. There is a free PDF online, just search for it. You come across as a very weak person. No wonder she is walking all over you. Man up or be prepared to lose your wife.


This.

It maybe painful to read, even harder to implement, but if you want to save your marriage it must be done.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

coolcory said:


> yes he's married with kids and grand kids


Time to tell his wife about his relationship with your wife.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

rzmpf said:


> Time to tell his wife about his relationship with your wife.


I bet she has threatened no more sex if he does this. Ha. 

Just show up at his house OP and tell her. It will take some balls, but you need to find yours NOW.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Since he is married i would have a man to man discussion and explain in no certain terms that if he wants his wife not know about all of this he might want to stay away, or the next talk will be through HR and his wife.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

coolcory said:


> 3) She said many hurtful things such as; I'm not attracted to you, I don't have feeling for you, *I don't like the way you kiss etc etc.*


Because she's comparing you to another man. This is a dead giveaway that she is having a physical affair on you. 

Trust me friend, my ex said those EXACT words to me. This is WAY past text messages.....



coolcory said:


> 4) She admitted she was attracted to guy at work; they would text nonstop all day, night. They went to lunch almost every day.


My ex went to lunch every day with her boss too. They fvcked rabbits every free moment they had. 

They ain't sitting in the car for the conversation. Believe me, your wife isn't THAT interesting a person.



FILE FOR DIVORCE NOW! Your POS wife has sold you and your family out for some d!ck that ain't yours.

The affair is alive and well. You'd be a complete fool to think otherwise. They are planning their life together as we speak.


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

I've been in your shoes. I feel your pain. I gave her the boot we got a divorce and I never looked back. ( my kids were about grown , youngest was in last yr of HS ) Now abut every 6-8 months my X contacts me to try and get back together . I just laugh and tell her I'm just fine with my new girlfriend who is much younger and treats me so much better.

IMO life is too short to put with that kind of drama


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Xenote said:


> Since he is married i would have a man to man discussion and explain in no certain terms that if he wants his wife not know about all of this he might want to stay away, or the next talk will be through HR and his wife.


Good idea but I bet that would backfire. HR would blame you for being a trouble maker and would probably fire you. I definitely wouldn't trust HR with a situation like this. They usually are a bunch of *******s,


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sounds more than just a texting affair to me. OM W needs to know.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Xenote said:


> Since he is married i would have a man to man discussion and explain in no certain terms that if he wants his wife not know about all of this he might want to stay away, or the next talk will be through HR and his wife.


So let's say OM agrees to these terms and does stay away so therefore no one rats him out. 

Basically, he just got away with fvcking another man's wife. This is horrible advice. 

Just.... no.... Tell OMW immediately OP. Your wife's vagina is not a bargaining chip.

Zero percent chance this did not go physical. Tell HR too especially if she's a subordinate.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> So let's say OM agrees to these terms and does stay away so therefore no one rats him out.
> 
> Basically, he just got away with fvcking another man's wife. This is horrible advice.
> 
> ...


you make a good point.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Xenote said:


> you make a good point.


Even a broken clock is right twice a day!


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

This is way past infatuation with the co-worker. She doesn't get to delete texts and keep talking to her affair partner and tell you to trust her. She broke the trust, she doesn't get to dictate terms on how to rebuild it.

I know you haven't accepted that she cheated yet. She has been gas lighting you, and because you are eager to believe her it's easy for her to deceive you. When you do discover some shred of evidence, she will let you know she lied because she was protecting your feelings. 

So, you don't have a lying cheat for a wife. You have a trustworthy protector of your heart. Or do you? You know, deep in your gut. What do her actions say. What does your gut tell you? Trust that, not her words, or your hope.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

coolcory said:


> yes he's married with kids and grand kids


and. How does a guy take your wife to lunch everyday and you don't know about it.

Better yet, why have you not talked face to face with the man that's been sexy talking your wife?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Acoa said:


> When you do discover some shred of evidence, she will let you know she lied because she was protecting your feelings.


Should be fairly easy @coolcory and you don't even have to leave your home. Here is what you do, go into her dirty laundry hamper. 

First, check your wife's work clothes for splotches of white semen splatter. Most times they will not fully disrobe and ejaculate will sometimes land on the clothes. Soul mates don't use condoms.

Second, examine her panties. In the crotch area specifically, if you see a crusty white substance, that means she's been aroused and wet in them. This happens after she's been penetrated and quickly puts them back on she will leak a little.

Also her showering or bathing right after work is another flag. Try to get a look at her naked if you can. Check for bruises especially in the arm or legs that look like finger or hand prints like someone was squeezing her. There may bite marks or hickeys as well. Affair sex is typically rough.

There's the road map and a good place to start investigating.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

1) Get STD tested
2) See a lawyer
3) Inform your wife that she has one week to move from her department, after that you will present her with D papers if she doesn't
4) Inform the guys wife
5) DO NOT trust your wife. Do not trust one thing she says.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You DIDNT put your foot down. You stated an opinion. Putting your foot down is letting her know that all contact stops, including changing departments or jobs, or you will not stay in the marriage. Period.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

coolcory said:


> we both work for the same company in the same building





coolcory said:


> They went to lunch almost every day.


QUESTION: If you "work for the same company in the same building", why was she going to "lunch almost every day" with the other man instead of you? 
ANSWER: She preferred dating him over dating you.
QUESTION: When she did go to lunch with the other man, why were you not invited? 
ANSWER: If you came along it would not really be a date now would it? 



coolcory said:


> She said I will just need to TRUST her


QUESTION: *How does a cheater say SCREW YOU?*
ANSWER: *They say TRUST me.*


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

You need to man the F-Up and confront this guy and tell his wife. He ruined your life and your marriage so it's time for you to reciprocate. It's time to leave your wife she's a cheater and if she's still communicating with this guy then you've been replaced.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

coolcory said:


> Everything has been going great since she went through therapy. She has been very loving and affectionate. We have gone on many trips as a family, we have date nights, sex life is awesome! Even had family photos taken.


She may have taken the affair underground.

By showing you this hyper re-bonding she may be trying to throw you off the affair-trail.

Or not.

Continue to snoop and monitor.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You work at the same place as your wife's OM?
You sit back while he has sex with her during lunch every day?
You know he's married and are too scared tio tell his wife?
You know she's texting him and deleting texts and you accept the "trust me" comment?

Geez, you are doing absolutely nothing to keep this guy away from your wife. She's basically begging you to do something about this by telling you all this crap, but you don't. 

I'd just divorce her and find a loyal woman.
It's what I did..... I feel better, too.

And yes, he's been and is likely now banging your wife. And you are an enabler,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Yikes, this was hard to read.

You need to order copies of her text records. I think you aren't going to believe anything until you see it with your own eyes.

I'm really sorry you are here...


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

You have to do something besides complaining to faceless people on the internet.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

At this point you're setting back hoping it'll just all go away. If won't..

Your passive behavior in this time will get you more of what you've been through.

As you found cheaters lie a lot. You only know the "tip of the iceberg".

You need to do a deleted text recovery off her phone. Then you'll know what you're dealing with.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

How old are you both?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, OM is taking advantage of a woman who is depressed and in an emotionally fragile condition?

And a woman who is known to HR as being ill?

I think his nasty, vile and oppressive behaviour must be reported to HR, ASAP!

He must be moved or fired.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rafaelandy (May 8, 2013)

me and other people who answered MIGHT be wrong, but i tend to agree with them - this has gone PHYSICAL. your wife is exhibiting a very common pattern.

based on my own experience, my WW said someting similar to what your wife said :

1) "...you are not and will never be my priority anymore..."

2) "...i will do what i want and for myself..."

it turned out my WW was already in at least 1 sexual affair during the time she said this to me.

with the way your wife is behaving - she is most probably keeping more from you, as i have discovered from my WW. she has lied and is lying to you. she is keeping secrets by deleting those messages. and believe her when she said "she knows what she's doing" - SHE IS MANIPULATING YOU and THE SITUATION. i believe even "depressed" people know right from wrong.

it's up to you if you want to suck it up and wish this would go away. if you go this path, it will be a long and agonizing time. it will eat you up from the inside. it will not go away.

but if you don't want to settle for more lies and deceptions, observe carefully and gather more information. once you have solid evidence, confront her...BUT PREPARE yourself for the worst. 

you must decide now WHAT you're going to do once you find out the truth - stay and try to work it out with her, OR drop everything and WALK AWAY for good.

i, too, hoped that it was nothing serious and i'd be able to overcome. then BAM!!!...i was shocked in disbelief. i felt like vomitting. it was hell for me when i found out the truth and i wasn't prepared on what to do next. 

think about this VERY CAREFULLY and THOROUGHLY. whichever path you decide to take, pursue it to the very end like hell and don't look back. a half-hearted decision will just prolong your agony.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I agree with the other posters who think this was very definitely a physical (AND emotional) affair. 

Her insistence that you have to just trust her to not cheat anymore is ridiculous, considering she IS cheating, every day, and admits to hiding it. It's like a drug user saying you have to trust them not to do drugs when they visit and talk to their drug dealer every day and try to hide it.

I'd be gone yesterday.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I always scan these threads for hints of possible salvation and reconciliation looking with mindful understanding that people can err, be remorseful, and recover... I don't see it clearly here and even worse, the OM is protected where he deserves no mercy whatsoever.

I too believe this has gone full physical and for too long, the path you offer her is full and unlimited transparency for her or full and unlimited exiting for you.

Do not falter nor hesitate in this either way.

Be with strength...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She probably could benefit from further treatment. At the expense of the employer as the affair and sexual harassment happened at work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> She probably could benefit from further treatment. At the expense of the employer as the affair and sexual harassment happened at work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Absolutely... the company would be foolish to let continue if they fully knew the extent, the financial fallout could be enormous.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

@coolcory You're in the right spot for advice. However, you're going to have to man up to do some of this.


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

One more vote for exposing the co worker. He is probably a smooth talking slime ball that preys on emotionally weak women over and over. This type of guy usually has several women they manipulate for sex any chance they get. 
I have worked with a few. 
I feel sorry for the women that fall for this type of guy.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I feel sorry for op being willing to ignore this stuff, and being able to pretend she's not banging this guy. 
His wife has no love for him. The only reason she's depressed is because she knows OM is staying with his wife and she feels like the scumbag that she is and sees no way out. OP can be sure that even if OM's wife catches him and he stops the affair, his own wife will just have another. Probably with someone that might actually take her off OP's hands. This OM can't or won't, hence the "depression". She'd be all smiles if her future was a little brighter to her because she knew she was about to run off with some "great guy", instead of staying with her husband who she had no respect for, and he demands none.

All OP should do is file for divorce and move on. Very simple. I know it's hard to accept, but what to do is clear in this case. Divorce her. She sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

OP, it's very hard sometimes to see things clearly if you love someone, if you're naturally trusting and if you try to see the best in people. You can open yourself up to persuasion, just hoping your wife will say something that is going to make it all right but it will never come.

You'll probably never know the full extent of what has gone on and what is going on. Just look at the evidence logically. If she deletes texts and won't show you her phone, she is hiding something. She's not protecting you, she's protecting herself and the OM. This is grounds for ending it in itself. You will never trust her again.

It's easier to give advice than it is to do it yourself but listen to the people here. Once she's lost this much interest, she's gone. You are the innocent one and she will come off much, much worse in the long term.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Agreed, it's hard or impossible to just turn off the love. He's been hit between the eyes and can't figure it out. 
She's deleting texts because they're shameful. He doesn't understand that she is not the person he hoped she'd be. He doesn't realize that the truth is not in her. The fact that he knows a, b, and c because she told him---- that's a dead giveaway that x,y,z that he doesn't know is HORRIBLE.
He knows it--- he just doesn't want to accept it.
ACCEPTANCE of the truth is the hardest part, and first step to healing. OP-- she's still involved with him.

If you are stupid enough and dependent enough on her to want her back, here is your only chance:

Step 1: talk to a lawyer and have her served with divorce papers.
Step 2: expose her to the OM's wife and everyone she knows, and go to HR at your company if possible.
Step 3: ignore anything she says and treat her as if she has the plague. She goes, after all. She betrayed you in the worst way possible.
Step 4: detach your emotions from her.

Only chance you have of getting her back is to earn respect, and have her WORKING to earn your trust.

Right now she is a cake eater extraordinaire.
And you're enabling it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Nothing here confirms a PA. Yes, likely an EA but the rest can and does happen with "just" an EA. 

The question for OP is, does it matter whether it is an EA or a PA? I think it does matter to him.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

If he is still here...


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> Second, examine her panties. *In the crotch area specifically, if you see a crusty white substance, that means she's been aroused and wet in them. This happens after she's been penetrated* and quickly puts them back on she will leak a little.


In the interest of accuracy about female body functions:

The crusty white substance can also be dehydrated cervical mucus which is the innocent by-product of ovulation.

And, since no two women are the same, this also can result from the normal cleansing cycle of the vagina. In a very young woman, there can be fairly substantial discharge every day.

Just keeping the record straight :wink2:


So hard to believe all of this is going on right under OP's nose, in the parking lot at lunch, when he works at the same place, in the same building.

And OP hasn't been heard of since the thread started, so maybe we'll never know.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

notmyrealname4 said:


> The crusty white substance can also be dehydrated cervical mucus which is the innocent by-product of ovulation.


Sure and maybe they are just innocently sitting in the car EVERYDAY FOR AN HOUR having philosophical debates on the meaning of life too....

OP if you see the crust, further investigation is a must!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> If he is still here...


He's not. I just wanted to get my post in on this thread before it is closed.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> He's not. I just wanted to get my post in on this thread before it is closed.


He's read them though based on his online activity. That's all that matters. The rest is up to him. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Yup. You can't push a rope.


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