# Can you change someone else's perception?



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

My boyfriend and I have had some problems lately that we have been working on. We are still working on them. One thing came up today, and we disagree on something. I'd like to get the views of others to see who might be more right here, to know if this is something I can do or not. 

He feels I'm too clingy. I disagree. He gave examples of what he thought were my "clingy moments", let's call them. One that he said was that he claims I follow him outside every time he goes to smoke. I told him I don't, that most of the time when he goes out to smoke, I am either watching TV, reading, or in bed, and considering that I'm allergic and don't like smoke anyway, why would I follow him? I did acknowledge that yes, there have been a few times that I have followed him, simply because we were already having a discussion or I needed to talk to him and it was our only chance to be alone and have that discussion. 

In the process of this "you're too clingy/no I'm not" back and forth, I told him that I don't feel that I'm too clingy, but that his perception is that I am. I told him that I feel that he's not telling me what he expects and wants and is just instead labelling me in his own mind and then looking for excuses to justify that label. He acknowledged that I might be right about that. 

Later, in a continuation of that conversation, I told him that I will back off even more but that I can't do anything about his perception; it's up to him to change that. He disagrees, and says that I can change his perception. 

I don't see how I can. Perception is all in someone's mind; it's how they see things, and I don't see how I can change how he sees things. I can back off, yes, and I can make changes, but if he is still looking to justify that perception that I'm too clingy, he'll continue to find excuses to do so. When I asked how I could change his perception, his response was "It's what salespeople do." That doesn't help me at all. 

So, I guess the question(s) I am posing to you tonight are: 

1. CAN you change someone else's perception? 

2. If you think you can change someone else's perception, how do you go about that?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

atruckersgirl said:


> So, I guess the question(s) I am posing to you tonight are:
> 
> 1. CAN you change someone else's perception?
> 
> 2. If you think you can change someone else's perception, how do you go about that?


 That's really an interesting question. He is saying you are clingy -using the following him outside situation. It sounds as though he is "convenietly forgetting" the times you did not follow - so I think you are right about "HIS PERCEPTION". If he continues to deny reality and what is really happening, there is NO way you can change this, unless you NEVER follow him again, then maybe he will notice. I can see how you would get into an argument if he is ALWAYS accusing you of doing that , when half the time or less you accually are. And it demeans you -makes you feel "needy" -which is not very complimentory. 

I noticed in an earlier thread, he also feels you need "too much affection". 

I think the Prime issue here is: You & he's Love Languages are off, he is more independent by nature , really doesn't need so much closeness froim anyone (some guys just need their space, there is no changing them) - but you crave it with your man. Is this right ? And there is nothing wrong with that , you are not broken & need to be fixed. You are both just different. 

I have a man who loves the attention, so it works for us beautifully, cause I am like you! When he gets home from work sometimes, I follow him in the bathroom -just to talk about his day. God , if I was married to someone else, they might despise that! It doesn't make either one of us wrong or bad, or broken, just Different. BUt when you are compelled to show love in the way you naturally want too (like you do with him), it would hurt to feel he is rejecting it- even in such small ways. 

And doesn't he drive truck ALOT, hardly ever home now ? You would think he would really want all the affection & time with you to make up for what is lost on the road. 

I feel very strongly that if couples match themselves with a mate who shares the same Love languages in the same order, you will hit the jackpot in love & fullfillment. Very little to "work on". 

You are not married yet, are you sure he is the one you want to settle down with?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

No. I don't think that you can change somebody elses perception - not to say that stops anyone from trying.

As for his 'clingy' claim - it's obfuscation. He blurted out 'your clingy', but that doesn't really tell you the origin about why he thinks that, and what it means as a result, particularly given that you both have different perceptions of the event.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Simply, we actually, strangely enough, are not different in our love languages. We did the quiz and all, and we actually are very closely matched there. He is a very independent man, definitely. As for me, I'm not clingy, although I will admit to being somewhat insecure. He knows this about me, he knows it has nothing to do with him personally, and he knows I'm working on it. I think he sees my occasional bouts with insecurity as clinginess, which I suppose to someone who doesn't deal with it, it could come across that way. 

As for driving truck, he was over the road, but now he is local. Things were getting better, and then yesterday we got in an argument over something silly and that's when this whole thing came about. 

Deejo, he did tell me about why he thinks that. I wasn't going into great detail, because my question was more about the perception thing. He actually gave me several examples of what he considers to be my clinginess, to which I responded with how I remember those events. We had a discussion of what we both expect from each other, and I think it will help out. 

I've thought about it more overnight, too. The thing is, the things he calls "clingy" are really when my insecurities rear their ugly heads. And as I told him yesterday, my insecurities come around when I feel like he's lacking commitment to our relationship, at which point he told me all the things that should show me that he is very committed to our relationship. So, I think, what it really comes down to right now, is that we BOTH have skewed perceptions of what is going on in our relationship, and we BOTH have to change it. I'm insecure sometimes, which colors my view of his commitment to me, which makes me want proof of that commitment, which makes him feel I'm being clingy and so he backs off, which triggers more insecurity, and so on. 

I think the biggest thing that needs to happen right now is that I need to continue working on my insecurity. Once I get that under control, the things he's bothered by will disappear. At that point, if he still claims they exist, then we'll have to decide what to do. 

And Simply, yes, I am sure he's the one I want to settle down with. We do love each other very much. We have a ton in common, and we get along really well. He suffers from depression, and he's told me before, several times, that the depression makes it hard for him to be happy (and I know, having suffered from it myself, that this is very true). I think, most of this stems from the depression. I think when he goes through one of his depressions, as a natural result of that, he looks for reasons to be unhappy, and this ends up being one of them. Problem is, he can't undergo any treatment, because all treatments, and even simply a diagnosis, is automatic disqualification as a truck driver, which is his career, and he loves it. I know, not an excuse, but in this economy, changing careers is not a good idea, so...

Thanks for the advice, and if you have any more, feel free to send it my way!


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

Atruckersgirl, I think you are making great strides in banishing your insecurities by seeking to identify and understand them. 

You need to identify what your triggers are, and put in place some coping strategies to help you through them without causing them to place undue strain on your relationship. 

I think we all change our 'perception' of situations / events / relationships at some time or other and I think if there is a need to change someone else's perception it CAN be done through increasing the information they have with regard to the situation, or demonstrating through actions what the true situation is. What we cannot change is someone's core values and beliefs.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Willow, I am working on that, and as I told him, I've already figured out at least one of them. Part of the problem is that we are temporarily not living together, due to finances. He is living about an hour away. Which essentially makes this a long distance relationship right now, which is also essentially what we had when he was driving over the road. As I explained to him, I've had 3 previous relationships (including my first marriage) in which, at some point, that relationship was long distance, and during that period, the person I was with cheated on me. And as I told him, I know he would never cheat, he's not that kind of guy, but because I know that my mind, instead of being reassured, jumps to the next worst conclusion, that being that he will end things...why I think he will end them is beyond me, but depending on the time, my unreasonable reasoning has been he'll meet someone else, he'll realize he's happier away from me than with me, or he just doesn't want a relationship. I know that he loves me, and I know that he wants to be with me or he wouldn't be with me, but still...

I actually think I may have discovered a real answer to my problem. My family has a history of various mental issues, ranging from depression to bipolar disorder. I've personally been treated twice for depression. I began doing some research, thinking that perhaps my depression treatment wasn't quite right, because maybe it was something else wrong with me. And I found a whole lot of stuff on anxiety. 

And I realized...anxiety fits. It fits everything I do. I begin having those insecure thoughts because I'm anxious about what might happen. And then I get more anxious because of the insecure thoughts. And the more I thought about it, I began to realize...I get anxious about a lot of stuff in my life. I tend to panic over things. I'm about to start looking for a job, and I'm already thinking "Well, what happens if I can't find one? What if no one will hire me? What if the only job I can find won't cover the bills?" And I do this with everything. We're not sure where we're going to live, and I'm already panicking over how my children will be affected if we move mid-school year. And I worry about how we'll pay the bills that we don't even have yet. And while I know, especially given this economy, that worrying over finances isn't uncommon, like I said, I do this with everything. I don't have a full fledged panic attack, or at least I haven't yet. I just tend to think too much about all the negative possibilities. And once I start thinking, it's like I can't stop. 

And once I realized this...it makes sense why we would have this problem right now. Between my anxiety, and his depression, we're both not exactly in a healthy frame of mind, so we're both looking for negative stuff instead of positive. 

I'm going to call later and see if I can get into my doctor to find out if I'm right about what I'm thinking, and what my options might be.


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