# My wife talks to men on dating sites



## willywonka747

My wife and I have been together for 16 years and have two boys. We have never officially gotten married but have decided to make it legal this coming October.

I have always suffered from low confidence and have been working very hard at getting stronger this past month. I have also started therapy to help.

Our sex life has suffered because of my esteem and confidence issues. I also worked from home for almost 3 years and this did not help the situation. I guess I let myself go in a way. About 3 weeks ago I started to take better care of myself, dress better and have returned to the office to give my wife the space she said she needed.

Things have gotten better and my wife she loves me very much. I asked he if I was a convenience to her and she flat out said no. However, my wife has a bit of an adventurous side, which I do like, but can cause stress. This could just be my low confidence controlling me. It's hard to break old habit's but I am trying.

Today, my wife joined a dating site because she likes the attention and the newness of the situation. She was open and honest about it and did not try to hide any of her conversations. She says she completely loves me and that I have nothing to worry about. My wife has NEVER cheated on me and would leave if she even thought there was a chance at it happening.

I know some may say I should leave her, but I completely trust her. I guess I am just worried and looking to see what others in this same situation think.

I do think men and women can have opposite sex friendships so long as there is trust and respect.

Thoughts?


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## sharkeey

willywonka747 said:


> Today, my wife joined a dating site because she likes the attention and the newness of the situation.


Hello? People join dating sites to meet people, date them, and have sex with them. 

When she gets home tell her that her computer is in the swimming pool.

Or smashed to pieces in the driveway.

Or whatever demise you prefer.

How could you even ASK a bunch of strangers if this sort of behavior is even remotely acceptable?

How can you let your wife crap all over you?

Are you really that lacking in self esteem and self confidence that you won't prevent your wife from joining a freaking dating site?

I'm not going to question the authenticity of your post, that's not my job. But stories like this make me wonder what people are thinking...


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## Entropy3000

willywonka747 said:


> My wife and I have been together for 16 years and have two boys. We have never officially gotten married but have decided to make it legal this coming October.
> 
> I have always suffered from low confidence and have been working very hard at getting stronger this past month. I have also started therapy to help.
> 
> Our sex life has suffered because of my esteem and confidence issues. I also worked from home for almost 3 years and this did not help the situation. I guess I let myself go in a way. About 3 weeks ago I started to take better care of myself, dress better and have returned to the office to give my wife the space she said she needed.
> 
> Things have gotten better and my wife she loves me very much. I asked he if I was a convenience to her and she flat out said no. However, my wife has a bit of an adventurous side, which I do like, but can cause stress. This could just be my low confidence controlling me. It's hard to break old habit's but I am trying.
> 
> Today, my wife joined a dating site because she likes the attention and the newness of the situation. She was open and honest about it and did not try to hide any of her conversations. She says she completely loves me and that I have nothing to worry about. My wife has NEVER cheated on me and would leave if she even thought there was a chance at it happening.
> 
> I know some may say I should leave her, but I completely trust her. I guess I am just worried and looking to see what others in this same situation think.
> 
> I do think men and women can have opposite sex friendships so long as there is trust and respect.
> 
> Thoughts?


What she is doing IS cheating.


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## willywonka747

Perhaps coming here was a mistake. I am sorry for posting. I was not looking for anyone to bash me or my wife. She has told me she just needs this in her life but has no intention of breaking up with me or hurting our family. I guess it's just a little bit of spice in what seems to be a harmless way. Yes I understand it could go south and maybe it will. But maybe it will make us even stronger. Perhaps I was hoping for some honest but not critical opinions.


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## Malaise

willywonka747 said:


> Perhaps coming here was a mistake. I am sorry for posting. I was not looking for anyone to bash me or my wife. She has told me she just needs this in her life but has no intention of breaking up with me or hurting our family. I guess it's just a little bit of spice in what seems to be a harmless way. Yes I understand it could go south and maybe it will. *But maybe it will make us even stronger. Perhaps I was hoping for some honest but not critical opinions*.


Sometimes the most honest opinions will seem critical to you. People here won't sugar coat an opinion to make you happy.

People will give an opinion based on their own painful experiences. You can take it or leave it.


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## livnlearn

willywonka747 said:


> Perhaps coming here was a mistake. I am sorry for posting. I was not looking for anyone to bash me or my wife. She has told me she just needs this in her life but has no intention of breaking up with me or hurting our family. I guess it's just a little bit of spice in what seems to be a harmless way. Yes I understand it could go south and maybe it will. But maybe it will make us even stronger.


I'm not trying to be mean but you really are in dreamland if you honestly believe the above. Which makes me wonder if the name willywonka was intentional, or is just ironic.:scratchhead:


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## TBT

willywonka747;1074767She has told me she just needs this in her life but has no intention of breaking up with me or hurting our family. I guess it's just a little bit of spice in what seems to be a harmless way.[/QUOTE said:


> This smacks of her having some self-esteem issues of her own,otherwise why would she seek this type of validation?


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## willywonka747

Malaise said:


> Sometimes the most honest opinions will seem critical to you. People here won't sugar coat an opinion to make you happy.
> 
> People will give an opinion based on their own painful experiences. You can take it or leave it.


So I am not asking for people to sugar coat responses to make me happy. I have already learned a few things since posting here.

Maybe what my wife is doing is ok and maybe I should just show more faith in our relationship. That's not to say I will be blind to signs. I am very good at spotting red flags. 

I get the fact people here have had experiences and want to share that. That's why I came here.


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## Malaise

willywonka747 said:


> My wife and I have been together for 16 years and have two boys. We have never officially gotten married but have decided to make it legal this coming October.
> 
> I have always suffered from low confidence and have been working very hard at getting stronger this past month. I have also started therapy to help.
> 
> Our sex life has suffered because of my esteem and confidence issues. I also worked from home for almost 3 years and this did not help the situation. I guess I let myself go in a way. About 3 weeks ago I started to take better care of myself, dress better and have returned to the office to give my wife the space she said she needed.
> 
> Things have gotten better and my wife she loves me very much. I asked he if I was a convenience to her and she flat out said no. However, my wife has a bit of an adventurous side, which I do like, but can cause stress. This could just be my low confidence controlling me. It's hard to break old habit's but I am trying.
> 
> *Today, my wife joined a dating site because she likes the attention and the newness of the situation. She was open and honest about it and did not try to hide any of her conversations. She says she completely loves me and that I have nothing to worry about. My wife has NEVER cheated on me and would leave if she even thought there was a chance at it happening.*
> I know some may say I should leave her, but I completely trust her. I guess I am just worried and looking to see what others in this same situation think.
> 
> I do think men and women can have opposite sex friendships so long as there is trust and respect.
> 
> Thoughts?


An example of honest opinion that you may not like:

Some might say that your wife joined the dating site to find a boyfriend and it is doing it out in the open giving you a sorry azz excuse that you bought.

In that vein, when she does find a boy toy and has an affair she will give another flimsy excuse which you will also buy.

That's what some may say. 

It's honest and critical. It also may be true.


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## Caribbean Man

Something's no right here........


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## sharkeey

Caribbean Man said:


> Something's no right here........


Maybe the Op is right and there's nothing wrong with our significant others going on dating sites and chatting it up and meeting others of their prefered gender, all for a sense of adventure that they might not be getting in their current relationship.

Just because we might not agree with it doesn't mean we're right and he's wrong. Hey some people have sex with animals and to them, it's normal. Just because it's not mainstream or preferred by most, doesn't make it wrong.

Willy I hope it works out for you and your wife makes some nice new friends.


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## Caribbean Man

sharkeey said:


> Maybe the Op is right and there's nothing wrong with our significant others going on dating sites and chatting it up and meeting others of their prefered gender, all for a sense of adventure that they might not be getting in their current relationship.
> 
> Just because we might not agree with it doesn't mean we're right and he's wrong. Hey some people have sex with animals and to them, it's normal. Just because it's not mainstream or preferred by most, doesn't make it wrong.
> 
> Willy I hope it works out for you and your wife makes some nice new friends.


Ok sharkee,
Got it!


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## Thundarr

Hope you haven't left yet willy.

Think about how you want to treat your wife "with respect" and how you want her to treat herself "with self respect". Now turn that 180 and apply it to yourself. Expect to be treated respectfully and take our word for it that your wife being on a dating site is almost certainly disrespectful to you and your relationship. At the very least find out why she's on there and try to provide that to her in yourself.

You give her so much trust that she may confuse this for you giving her permission. To be honest your demeanor is so passive compared to mine, I'm not sure I can say anything that will make sense to you. I'm not saying that in an insulting way. Just saying it doesn't compute to me that my wife doing online dating sites could be okay for any reason.

I think first thing you should decide what you think is and is not appropriate in relationships as a whole and hold yourself and your to be wife to that. If you think it's okay for her to be on dating sites then I'm not sure that will help though.


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## RClawson

Willy,

Posting on this site can be a bit of an eye opener if you are thin skinned and not ready to hear some pretty harsh criticism if you are approaching your relationship from a place of weakness.........and you are.

You can continue to trust your wife completely but you will be encouraged to "trust and verify" here. The criticism you hear in this forum is not coming from angry people who have nothing better to do with their time except take pot shots at new posters. Most of these individuals have been through similar circumstances and know the "red flags" when they see them. You say you do as well but a red flag poll has hit you directly across the forehead and you thought you would just come here and get a pat on the fanny and an "atta boy you ain't got nuttin' to worry about".

The people here would love to help you. They actually want to protect you. I encourage you to let those things you perceive to be insults to roll off your back and consider the substance of the advice and counsel you are given. All of us here want your relationship to be successful but what we do not want is for you to be taken advantage of and go through more pain than you have to if you are wrong.


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## sandc

willywonka747 said:


> Maybe what my wife is doing is ok and maybe I should just show more faith in our relationship. That's not to say I will be blind to signs. I am very good at spotting red flags.


With all due respect I do not think you are good at spotting red flags. You have one squarely across your eyes and can't see it.

Maybe what she is doing is okay. Maybe because I can fly a Piper Cub I can also fly a 747. Maybe.

No. It is not okay. Plain and simple.


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## oldgeezer

willywonka747 said:


> Perhaps coming here was a mistake. I am sorry for posting. I was not looking for anyone to bash me or my wife. She has told me she just needs this in her life but has no intention of breaking up with me or hurting our family. I guess it's just a little bit of spice in what seems to be a harmless way. Yes I understand it could go south and maybe it will. But maybe it will make us even stronger. Perhaps I was hoping for some honest but not critical opinions.


Umm, this might not seem like what you want to hear, but she wants the thrill of being pursued by Other Men. Now, some women just like to be admired from a distance while they're shopping at WalMart or walking with you in the park. 

Registering on the dating site means she wants to pretend to be available, troll for sexy comments and get strangers to actively pursue her. 

Even if I were to assume that she wants and intends absolutely no harm to you or to physically cheat on you, she's broken down every barrier to doing so, other than just the act. 

My response, since I"m not anywhere around, not involved, and have no emotional baggage in this is to tell her: "Close up the account, all of your actions, and if need be, get professional help to solve your insecurities or addiction, or we're done, because I am not willing to play your fool." 

She apparently is so desperate for the rush of being admired and flattered and pursued that she has basically told you "Your devotion is not relevant to my needs, I need THEIR approval, not yours". This is a recipe for certain disaster. Not to mention YOUR eventual heartache when she really DOES cross the line, which will happen, no matter her "intentions". Intentions are not fact, they are the excuses for doing what we feel like doing.


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## RandomDude

Sometimes the advice here can be hard to take. But when advice is this consistent it bears some consideration. You know your wife better than anyone here and you say you trust her -> yet you come online questioning her loyalty.

You said your good at red flags, and it seems so. But whether you're good at acting on them and fixing the problem -> remains to be seen.


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## Entropy3000

willywonka747 said:


> So I am not asking for people to sugar coat responses to make me happy. I have already learned a few things since posting here.
> 
> Maybe what my wife is doing is ok and maybe I should just show more faith in our relationship. That's not to say I will be blind to signs. I am very good at spotting red flags.
> 
> I get the fact people here have had experiences and want to share that. That's why I came here.


What your wife is doing is one of two things :

1) Cheating. I am not talking about anything more at this time than you know. Meaning her being on those sites and spicing it up with other men is unfaithful.


---- OR ----


2) It is a form of open marriage. You see it as a hot wifing thing.

I think though that what you may be doing is the bait an switch. When a poster asks for thoughts, gets them and then lashes out at the repsonse. very common thing here. 

But you really are not talking about opposite sex friends. You are talking about her interacting ona dating site. This is not about friends. It is about hooking up. 

So since you are defending what she is doing then I guess we are talking about option #2 above since you seem to approve of what she is doing.

Either way if you are here and asking a serious question then the picture you paint is that you have low self esteem and lack confidence. Your wife appears to be looking for confident men. I suggest you work on being that confident man for her unless you like the other hot wife scenario.

You did not have a specific question just asked for thoughts so you got some thoughts.


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## COguy

willywonka747 said:


> but I completely trust her.


Well you're about to learn a hard lesson about life. The ride is bumpy, you'll look back at this post and wonder what you were smoking.

In the end though, you'll be a better man because of it, may take a few years though to recover. Good luck, and feel free to keep coming back here after your marriage nose dives.


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## chillymorn

willywonka747 said:


> My wife and I have been together for 16 years and have two boys. We have never officially gotten married but have decided to make it legal this coming October.
> 
> I have always suffered from low confidence and have been working very hard at getting stronger this past month. I have also started therapy to help.
> 
> Our sex life has suffered because of my esteem and confidence issues. I also worked from home for almost 3 years and this did not help the situation. I guess I let myself go in a way. About 3 weeks ago I started to take better care of myself, dress better and have returned to the office to give my wife the space she said she needed.
> 
> Things have gotten better and my wife she loves me very much. I asked he if I was a convenience to her and she flat out said no. However, my wife has a bit of an adventurous side, which I do like, but can cause stress. This could just be my low confidence controlling me. It's hard to break old habit's but I am trying.
> 
> Today, my wife joined a dating site because she likes the attention and the newness of the situation. She was open and honest about it and did not try to hide any of her conversations. She says she completely loves me and that I have nothing to worry about. My wife has NEVER cheated on me and would leave if she even thought there was a chance at it happening.
> 
> I know some may say I should leave her, but I completely trust her. I guess I am just worried and looking to see what others in this same situation think.
> 
> I do think men and women can have opposite sex friendships so long as there is trust and respect.
> 
> Thoughts?


LOL,LOL LOL.

my wife told me the easter bunny comes in on easter and brings me candy if I'm good!

but I don't believe her!


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## Dad&Hubby

I honestly believe the OP is gone but I gotta say this.

Is it possible for a spouse to join a website to "spice things up" with no intention of having a PA. Yes. But that behavior shows there are problems with either the individual or the marriage. I actually did that same very thing in my first marriage. It had been a loveless and toxic relationship for a long time. I joined a couple dating sites and chat rooms in order to feel another persons attention. PS within a year I was divorced. 

Willy, I hope you read this. I can empathize with your wife doing it, but you need to ask yourself some important questions. What is your wife's motivation for doing this? What is she getting out of it? If you can come up with ANYTHING positive for your marriage, then keep on keeping on. If you can't then it really needs to be addressed and MORE importantly, the issue/issues that brought about this behavior need to be addressed.


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## AFEH

willywonka747 said:


> My wife and I have been together for 16 years and have two boys. We have never officially gotten married but have decided to make it legal this coming October.
> 
> I have always suffered from low confidence and have been working very hard at getting stronger this past month. I have also started therapy to help.
> 
> Our sex life has suffered because of my esteem and confidence issues. I also worked from home for almost 3 years and this did not help the situation. I guess I let myself go in a way. About 3 weeks ago I started to take better care of myself, dress better and have returned to the office to give my wife the space she said she needed.
> 
> Things have gotten better and my wife she loves me very much. I asked he if I was a convenience to her and she flat out said no. However, my wife has a bit of an adventurous side, which I do like, but can cause stress. This could just be my low confidence controlling me. It's hard to break old habit's but I am trying.
> 
> Today, my wife joined a dating site because she likes the attention and the newness of the situation. She was open and honest about it and did not try to hide any of her conversations. She says she completely loves me and that I have nothing to worry about. My wife has NEVER cheated on me and would leave if she even thought there was a chance at it happening.
> 
> I know some may say I should leave her, but I completely trust her. I guess I am just worried and looking to see what others in this same situation think.
> 
> I do think men and women can have opposite sex friendships so long as there is trust and respect.
> 
> Thoughts?


Your wife just made you her Plan B.


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## Toffer

Willy,

It's all been said. The only thing I will add is that ask your wife how she's feel if you also got on dating websites and sought the attention of other women? Better yet, do it and tell her you thought it was a great idea so you did it too!

Last you said "I do think men and women can have opposite sex friendships so long as there is trust and respect" I only want to point out that I don't think your wife respects you through her actions.

That's all. I hope you're at least still reading if not responding


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## cookie1986

Well it's great that you trust her. That means a lot in a relationship. 
However I would not really like my husband to join any dating sites, and I wouldn't join dating sites.
I think there are a lot of other ways to find what she's looking for if it is as innocent as she claims it to be.
Best wishes.


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## costa200

> I do think men and women can have opposite sex friendships so long as there is trust and respect.


Sure... You "trust" and "respect" while then bang themselves tired. Nobody is bashing you and your wife. They are being honest. You are aligning yourself to be cheated on. And the tragic thins is she basically is telling you she is preparing to cheat and you are all happy about it because it will bring "spice"... Yeah, it will spice alright. It will spice her life while you are left to love your own hand.

Not trying to be mean here buddy. But this is a place where people tell you like it is.


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## 40isthenew20

No F***in' way! I would blow a gasket if I found this out about my wife, let alone her having the balls to do it without hiding it. That's a ploy to get your guard down and think its platonic. 

You dont have to leave her, just straighten this out and keep a closer look on things moving forward - with a short leash.


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## wiigirl

RandomDude said:


> Sometimes the advice here can be hard to take. But when advice is this consistent it bears some consideration. You know your wife better than anyone here and you say you trust her -> yet you come online questioning her loyalty.
> 
> You said your good at red flags, and it seems so. But whether you're good at acting on them and fixing the problem -> remains to be seen.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coffetime

It's time to man up. If you let someone put it to you and you let it slide. The behavior will repeat itself. Man up and put boundaries on your relationship. You have read it already here so I will not pound you with the advice again.

Dating sites are made for people looking for people to date or have some other type of relationship. 

Your wife is telling you that you are not fulfulling her in some way and has tested your weak and strong points. When you did nothing, you informed her that you are not an alpha male. She now knows that she can step all over you.

Try to flip the script on her and see what happens if she doesn't get emotional your relationship is suffering and ending. More like roomates. What's next? Going out on attention dates with other men? 

If you do trust her then by all means have these guys introduce themselves to you and ask them what their intentions with your wife are? Most guys will lie and tell you that they are friends and nothing more. As you have read most guys don't just befriend any female just because they are women. We prefer eye candy and potential for something else. 

Just put it out there and develop alpha mentality.


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## Drover

willywonka747 said:


> Perhaps I was hoping for some honest but not critical opinions.


So you only want to hear from the people who agree with you. :scratchhead:


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## COGypsy

I wonder what she means by "not hurting your family".

Does that mean she'll email but not chat?

Chat but not cam?

Cam but not meet?

Meet but not actually have sex?

Have sex and use a condom and not tell you or do it where the kids can see?

Have sex with no condom and not tell you?

Which of those exactly would "not hurt your family"?


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## anonim

i call troll.


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## Jellybeans

willywonka747 said:


> Today, my wife joined a dating site because she likes the attention and the newness of the situation. She was open and honest about it and did not try to hide any of her conversations. She says she completely loves me and that I have nothing to worry about. My wife has NEVER cheated on me and would leave if she even thought there was a chance at it happening.
> 
> I do think men and women can have opposite sex friendships so long as there is trust and respect.
> 
> Thoughts?


My "thoughts" are that a dating site is for dating. People don't join dating sites in order to find a book club or argue politics or raise money for causes. They join them to meet people who they could have a connection with and date and sleep with it. 

As far as opposite sex friends go--ok, you may believe that, but your wife is'nt looking for friends. Notice she didn't join a "friend" site. She joined a "dating" site.

Omg. Please find your dignity and self-respect. This is so sad.


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## willywonka747

Thanks for all the comments. Being my first time here it's not exactly the most easier things to hear.

I do have opinions on much of what you have said and want to really think things over before I re-post. 

I am struggling with this situation and have been talking to my wife about things. For now it seems she just wants to have a little fun but does have lines in the sand. I have told her what I am willing to put up with because I am open minded. (and please do not think that I feel some here are not - because I don't).

I have read much on the internet and am trying to figure out were I fall as I am open to hearing different opinions. But make no mistake I have my limits and understand that at some point if these limits are challenged, I may have to make hard choices. For now, I am trying to see what comes next. Push comes to shove, I don't think my wife would let it go to far. 

Some of the situation I am in is my fault. Several weeks ago, I listened in on a conversation my wife was having with her mom on the phone. For some reason I just had it in my head she was going to tell her she wanted to leave me. Well that was not the case, as it never is. Yes I have issues and am working with a therapist for get over these stupid feelings. Perhaps what she is doing is just sending me a message. Only time will tell.

Anyways, I am rambling....and for all that bash me for listening in on her phone call, I deserve it.


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## sandc

I listen to my wife's phone calls all the time. She listens to mine. Did you wife say this was an issue with her?


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## onkendiharon

Hey that's so much truth but I would also like to ask you what do you think your wife needs from the dating site? You are not married? Why would a woman committed to a relationship want the attention of another man? Confidence issues is no excuse not to fulfill your duty as a man get up in the morning believe in yourself coz if you don't no one will ever believe in you. Change your life now before it is too late and win her back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## willywonka747

sandc said:


> I listen to my wife's phone calls all the time. She listens to mine. Did you wife say this was an issue with her?


Yes because I did it without her knowledge and then tried to lie my way out of it. I was wrong and it made a mess.

We have been talking all day and I am starting to put some perspective to it all. I have also taken what some have said here into consideration. 

You all do have me thinking.


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## willywonka747

onkendiharon said:


> Hey that's so much truth but I would also like to ask you what do you think your wife needs from the dating site? You are not married? Why would a woman committed to a relationship want the attention of another man? Confidence issues is no excuse not to fulfill your duty as a man get up in the morning believe in yourself coz if you don't no one will ever believe in you. Change your life now before it is too late and win her back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thing is.....I do have her. People need to understand I am an open minded person and I think I am trying to figure out my limits. Some spice is fun; I just need to better define what is acceptable to me. 

Everything people have said here has helped so thanks for that.


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## Drover

Why do I think we're about to see yet another of the recent rash of "My Wife Is Going on a Date" posts.


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## turnera

willywonka747 said:


> Today, my wife joined a dating site because she likes the attention and the newness of the situation. She was open and honest about it and did not try to hide any of her conversations. She says she completely loves me and that I have nothing to worry about. My wife has NEVER cheated on me and would leave if she even thought there was a chance at it happening.
> 
> Thoughts?


You're a fool if you believe her. That's my thought.

I have a book for you to read. Well, several: First, No More Mr Nice Guy

then, Married Man Sex Life (no, it's not about sex)

then, Hold On To Your N.U.T.S.

You are going on the absolute wrong path. You don't ASK your wife if you're doing ok. You do NOT tell her it's ok for her to be on a dating site. You DO tell her that if she carries through with it, you will be filing for separation.


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## turnera

Has it occurred to you that she detests that you're such a Nice Guy and she signed up for it thinking that, finally, you WOULD get upset and FIGHT for her?


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## willywonka747

turnera said:


> Has it occurred to you that she detests that you're such a Nice Guy and she signed up for it thinking that, finally, you WOULD get upset and FIGHT for her?


Yes and I have read up on The Nice Guy Syndrome and how increased confidence can help to modify this to a degree. 

I have told my wife what my boundaries are which I am ok with. Should these boundaries come in to question, I will either adjust them based on what I am comfortable with or tell her to stop. If it comes to that I do have the strength to leave. I am not a total wimp here.


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## Enginerd

Willy,

You have lost perspective on your manhood brother. Your wife is openly disrespecting you and you are desperately trying to find a way to rationalize it as "Spice". Your wife is fishing for male attention because she doesn't think your attention is worthy. She needs to be validated by strange horny men on a dating website. Does that sound sexy to you? If it does then just admit you want to see other men bang her. Do you want to be a cuckhold? She is testing you and you are failing miserably. Wimpy guys sit around and talk about what they will do if..... Real men take action to resolve problems. Put your foot down immediately or turn in your man card.


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## jfv

willywonka747 said:


> My wife and I have been together for 16 years and have two boys. We have never officially gotten married but have decided to make it legal this coming October.
> 
> I have always suffered from low confidence and have been working very hard at getting stronger this past month. I have also started therapy to help.
> 
> Our sex life has suffered because of my esteem and confidence issues. I also worked from home for almost 3 years and this did not help the situation. I guess I let myself go in a way. About 3 weeks ago I started to take better care of myself, dress better *and have returned to the office to give my wife the space she said she needed.*
> Things have gotten better and my wife she loves me very much. I asked he if I was a convenience to her and she flat out said no. However, my wife has a bit of an adventurous side, which I do like, but can cause stress. This could just be my low confidence controlling me. It's hard to break old habit's but I am trying.
> 
> *Today, my wife joined a dating site because she likes the attention and the newness of the situation. She was open and honest about it and did not try to hide any of her conversations. She says she completely loves me and that I have nothing to worry about. My wife has NEVER cheated on me and would leave if she even thought there was a chance at it happening.*
> *I know some may say I should leave her, but I completely trust her.* I guess I am just worried and looking to see what others in this same situation think.
> 
> I do think men and women can have opposite sex friendships so long as there is trust and respect.
> 
> Thoughts?


The parts in Bold are your 'low confidence' controlling you.


----------



## RandomDude

Sometimes spouses are simply self-destructive - me included. Let me give you an example. I have a twisted fantasy of sharing my wife with other men and women, and in the past I have pressed this issue repeatedly.

However, this is a boundary that my wife will never cross and has been stubborn up till now in regards to it. She hates it whenever I bring it up and it's grounds for a fight. Now, since TAM I have read stories of folks who did indeed CROSS that boundary and all the problems that it causes. It also made me look deep within myself and ask myself if that is really what I want -> to lose the principled and strong woman that I fell in love with only to turn her into a s--t for my own sexual enjoyment.

If my wife did not stand her ground on this boundary, our marriage would have been f--ked. Boundaries are indeed important and being open-minded is one thing, but somethings you JUST DON'T DO as it will damage the marriage.

For some people open-marriages work, but they will be the first to tell you that if your marriage isn't strong enough, don't do it, as they know firsthand how swinging can destroy marriages. Now in your case, your marriage is far from strong enough and it's on a self-destructive course if you don't enforce this boundary.

My wife stood her ground and saved our marriage from crumbling. You should take up her example.


----------



## turnera

You know about the ILYBINILWY speech, right?

It goes hand in hand with the "I need space" speech.

You're being played.

Go get the damn books. Before she starts bringing the guys home to stay in bed with the two of you.


----------



## mrstj4sho88

She is getting ready to date and sleep with other men. Those site are for relationships of all kinds. It's like going to a club and saying you're not dancing or looking for a man/woman. Your girlfriend is looking for friends on the internet. Yea that is what they (cheaters) call them friends .


----------



## sharkeey

willywonka747 said:


> I have told her what I am willing to put up with because I am open minded.


Ok so where do you draw the line

wife joins dating site
wife messages guys on dating site
wife instant messages (chats) with guys on dating sites
wife speaks to guys from dating site on phone
wife cybers with guys from dating sites 
wife meets a guy from a dating site
wife kisses with guy from dating site
wife does touchy feeling with guy from dating site
wife gives or receives oral from guy on dating site
wife has sex with guy on dating site


Just copy the above list into a new post and insert a line where your boundary lies.


----------



## willywonka747

Folks,

I appreciate all you are saying. I really do. But please understand, I have been with my wife for 16 years. We have 2 boys together. (6 and 10). I have already been divorced once and went though hell and back with that one.

I don't have all the answers. I don't know where my life will be next week. I DON'T KNOW MUCH AT THIS POINT.

What do I know.....
- I love my wife
- I love my children
- I love my family
- I am not STUPID
- I AM JUST NOT READY TO THROW MY LIFE DOWN THE TUBES LIKE SO MANY OF YOU SAY I SHOULD JUST YET.

You think I have not thought of all this. I have....EVERY FREAKING SECOND OF THE DAY FOR THE PAST 2 DAYS. 

So cut me some freaking slack. 

I LOVE MY WIFE AND I AM NOT THERE YET. I am just not ready to lay down an ultimatum because I know where that will go. Will this all progress to my wife having sex...I JUST DON'T FREAKING KNOW. She has said it won't. So for now I have to believe that. For the sake of my relationship and for the sake of my sons. Perhaps this will pass. She has said it probably will. Could it go south...YES....I GET IT!!!!!!!!!

Some of you say your honest may hurt. I say your honest is based on bitterness. You have all been burned. I am sorry for that. Will I get burned....maybe...I pray not. But for &&^%^* sakes I need to let this play out and see where the chips fall.

I am going to let her have this space. Will you all agree...NO. Ok I know that. But if it helps my wife to see me for the person I am, and I AM a great person, then so be it.

I am just not ready yet. 

Love and Life Sucks sometimes and you just have to suck it up sometimes!!


----------



## jfv

If you 'let her have this space' she will NOT see a great person. She will see a cuckold who has no respect for himself. Just know that you have signed your marriage's death warrant by allowing this. Best of Luck.


----------



## turnera

willywonka747 said:


> - I AM JUST NOT READY TO THROW MY LIFE DOWN THE TUBES LIKE SO MANY OF YOU SAY I SHOULD JUST YET.


So, let me get this straight:

You say that when WE say to stand up for your rights as her partner, and EXPECT to be RESPECTED, we are thereby telling you to throw your life down the tubes?


----------



## willywonka747

turnera said:


> So, let me get this straight:
> 
> You say that when WE say to stand up for your rights as her partner, and EXPECT to be RESPECTED, we are thereby telling you to throw your life down the tubes?


I am done with this site and you people.

You only hear what you want to hear.

Admin - please delete my account.


----------



## sandc

Always wanted to use this one...

:slap:


----------



## sharkeey

willywonka747 said:


> For the sake of my relationship and for the sake of my sons. Perhaps this will pass. She has said it probably will.


Oh, great. She said she "probably" will get over it before screwing some guy from a dating site. That's like the guy taking the hostages saying they'll all be set free in the end when he really knows he probably can't leave any witnesses. They go along with it because they want to believe they'll be ok.



willywonka747 said:


> You have all been burned. I am sorry for that.


I have never been cheated on. 



willywonka747 said:


> Will I get burned....maybe...I pray not. But for &&^%^* sakes I need to let this play out and see where the chips fall.


If you don't gamble, you can't lose. Ok, that's a rather simplistic analogy but hey you started it. If you let this play out the odds are you will lose. BIGTIME.



willywonka747 said:


> I am going to let her have this space. Will you all agree...NO. Ok I know that. But if it helps my wife to see me for the person I am, and I AM a great person, then so be it.


She probably can't believe you're giving her this freedom. Her respect and admiration (and love) is dwindling with each passing day, with each new freedom you give her out of fear of losing her.

Your thinking is exactly backwards. By trying to save your marriage you are destroying it.


----------



## turnera

Just read the books, ok? THEN come back and tell us what you believe.


----------



## Thundarr

willywonka747 said:


> I am done with this site and you people.
> 
> You only hear what you want to hear.
> 
> Admin - please delete my account.


About time.


----------



## turnera

I have never been cheated on, either. But I DO know psychology, and I know that women have to respect their man, to want to have sex with him. She has given you ALL the clues that we have all seen in HUNDREDS of relationships, right before (or during) the unhappy wife starts cheating on the beta male husband. 

Ignore at your own risk. Remember the advice you didn't want to hear, in a few weeks when you find her with one of those guys.

Look, none of us wants you to be in this situation. But we DO all have experience giving advice to people in your exact same situation - the man becomes too giving, the wife stops respecting him and starts seeking a 'real man' to get her hot and bothered, since you don't do that for her any more.

We're trying to show you how to get your wife into you again. Read the books, ok?


----------



## TBT

willywonka747 said:


> Thoughts?



You didn't like them,but you asked.


----------



## RandomDude

So, you assume everyone is giving you harsh advice based on bitterness/being burnt? :rofl:

You see, it was my wife who enforced the boundary and refused me my little fantasy of seeing her fked by others. So it was my wife who stopped our marriage spiralling downhill by standing up for herself.
Do I love, trust, and respect her for it? You sure as hell bet.

This could very well be a fitness test, which you are failing miserably. She is pushing boundaries to see what she can get away with, now she's going to push even more. Now -> were my suggestions to my wife in regards to sharing her fitness tests? Not intentionally, nor even consciously, but they were. She earned my respect despite what I tried to push her into.

It's time you earn your wife's


----------



## mrstj4sho88

willywonka747 said:


> My wife and I have been together for 16 years and have two boys. We have never officially gotten married but have decided to make it legal this coming October.
> 
> I have always suffered from low confidence and have been working very hard at getting stronger this past month. I have also started therapy to help.
> 
> Our sex life has suffered because of my esteem and confidence issues. I also worked from home for almost 3 years and this did not help the situation. I guess I let myself go in a way. About 3 weeks ago I started to take better care of myself, dress better and have returned to the office to give my wife the space she said she needed.
> 
> Things have gotten better and my wife she loves me very much. I asked he if I was a convenience to her and she flat out said no. However, my wife has a bit of an adventurous side, which I do like, but can cause stress. This could just be my low confidence controlling me. It's hard to break old habit's but I am trying.
> 
> Today, my wife joined a dating site because she likes the attention and the newness of the situation. She was open and honest about it and did not try to hide any of her conversations. She says she completely loves me and that I have nothing to worry about. My wife has NEVER cheated on me and would leave if she even thought there was a chance at it happening.
> 
> I know some may say I should leave her, but I completely trust her. I guess I am just worried and looking to see what others in this same situation think.
> 
> I do think men and women can have opposite sex friendships so long as there is trust and respect.
> 
> Thoughts?




Well I guess she would not be telling a lie . When she join thoses site she is still single. He said they plan to marry in Oct :rofl:. He calls her his wife but she is the mother of his kids. So a single woman is checking on her options . He has no papers on her. Looks like a single woman is getting ready to play and not just house...:lol:...No one was mean to him here. He wants us to say it's ok .. Well it is ok for a single woman who has waited on a man for 16 yrs plus. He can't man up until he puts a ring on it ..She free and ready for business. IMHO he has waited to long to even try to man up. This woman getting ready to get her freak on. They don't call those kind of site "dating site" for nothing:scratchhead: Come on adults looking for adult attention . If the guy in not a troll , he needs to know a weak man is a turn off for any woman.


----------



## mrstj4sho88

RandomDude said:


> So, you assume everyone is giving you harsh advice based on bitterness/being burnt? :rofl:
> 
> You see, it was my wife who enforced the boundary and refused me my little fantasy of seeing her fked by others. So it was my wife who stopped our marriage spiralling downhill by standing up for herself.
> Do I love, trust, and respect her for it? You sure as hell bet.
> 
> This could very well be a fitness test, which you are failing miserably. She is pushing boundaries to see what she can get away with, now she's going to push even more. Now -> were my suggestions to my wife in regards to sharing her fitness tests? Not intentionally, nor even consciously, but they were. She earned my respect despite what I tried to push her into.
> 
> It's time you earn your wife's


He has no real papers on her yet. He just calls her his wife . Sometimes people do that without being legal . I worked with a lady thought she was married . She always called the man her husband. He got sick and she told us they were not legal. She could not take off to care for him (go on medical leave). Anyway the OP sounds like he does not want us to be honest . She is his gf/mother of his kids. So she is single and ready to have fun . He better hope she does not join F buddy..


----------



## Entropy3000

willywonka747 said:


> Folks,
> 
> I appreciate all you are saying. I really do. But please understand, I have been with my wife for 16 years. We have 2 boys together. (6 and 10). I have already been divorced once and went though hell and back with that one.
> 
> I don't have all the answers. I don't know where my life will be next week. I DON'T KNOW MUCH AT THIS POINT.
> 
> What do I know.....
> - I love my wife
> - I love my children
> - I love my family
> - I am not STUPID
> - I AM JUST NOT READY TO THROW MY LIFE DOWN THE TUBES LIKE SO MANY OF YOU SAY I SHOULD JUST YET.
> 
> You think I have not thought of all this. I have....EVERY FREAKING SECOND OF THE DAY FOR THE PAST 2 DAYS.
> 
> So cut me some freaking slack.
> 
> I LOVE MY WIFE AND I AM NOT THERE YET. I am just not ready to lay down an ultimatum because I know where that will go. Will this all progress to my wife having sex...I JUST DON'T FREAKING KNOW. She has said it won't. So for now I have to believe that. For the sake of my relationship and for the sake of my sons. Perhaps this will pass. She has said it probably will. Could it go south...YES....I GET IT!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Some of you say your honest may hurt. I say your honest is based on bitterness. You have all been burned. I am sorry for that. Will I get burned....maybe...I pray not. But for &&^%^* sakes I need to let this play out and see where the chips fall.
> 
> I am going to let her have this space. Will you all agree...NO. Ok I know that. But if it helps my wife to see me for the person I am, and I AM a great person, then so be it.
> 
> I am just not ready yet.
> 
> Love and Life Sucks sometimes and you just have to suck it up sometimes!!


Where is your boundary? 

I am far from a bitter person. To my knowledge I have never been cheated on. 

So instead of finding where your boundary is you are choosing to let this play out. Give her her space.

So somehow in your mind allowing your wife to be in an open marriage is showing her what a great guy you are? 

You do realize that these things just become bigger problems. Right? That the time to confront and deal with things is when the problem is relatively small.

- I love my wife
- I love my children
- I love my family
- I am not STUPID
- I AM JUST NOT READY TO THROW MY LIFE DOWN THE TUBES LIKE SO MANY OF YOU SAY I SHOULD JUST YET.

Then why are you?


----------



## Entropy3000

willywonka747 said:


> I am done with this site and you people.
> 
> You only hear what you want to hear.
> 
> Admin - please delete my account.


Now if you could just take a stand like this with your wife.


----------



## AFEH

willywonka747, you are more than likely experiencing some strong negative emotions and that’s why you feel as you do. As a man in your situation its natural to feel the emotions of jealousy and betrayal.

With jealousy, you’ll be feeling insecure, fearful and anxious at the thought of losing your wife to another man because she's on dating websites. You may also be feeling angry at your wife, resentful and somewhat disgusted by her behaviour. Believe me these feelings, these emotions are all perfectly normal and are a universal human experience.

The thing with women is though that they know these things. They know for a fact that if they for example flirt with another man, their husband or boyfriend will become jealous and experience all the painful emotions above.



This is very much a test for you, it could be a fitness test or a shet test. With the former, you’ve been together a long time yet you’re not married. She may well be testing you to see how much you love her and what your commitment to her is. The amount of jealousy you feel is directly proportional to the amount of love you feel for her and the amount you value her in your life, not just for you but your children as well.


At the moment, your response has told her you don’t give a shet about her.

That you are neither in love with her or value her in your life. Because any man who loved his woman simply would not be able to even entertain the thought of what your wife is doing let alone not only condone that type of behaviour but support it as well.

So by your actions you’ve more or less told her to feck off out of your life.




But your wife may well be shet testing you. A shet test is something your wife does that wounds you and causes you pain. This may be a well thought out action, an accident, conscious or subconscious behaviour. The thing is you know you’ve been shet tested when you are feeling negative emotions.




So all this stuff with the dating sites may well have been designed solely to wound you and cause you pain. If that’s the case, it sure is working isn’t it. If this is the case then your wife is behaving in a passive aggressive way. PA is nasty, horrible, wicked and sometimes evil stuff. It maybe that you have a very bitter and resentful partner on your hands and her response to her bitterness and resentment is not to work through her problems with you but to wound you and cause you pain.


Of course your current situation with your wife may well be due to the fact that you haven’t married her. That she is feeling insecure and resentful because of that and her response is to give you a great big combined fitness test and shet test.



You are failing miserably at both and because of that you are more or less guaranteed to lose your partner because she sure seems set on finding another man while she keeps you as her Plan B.


----------



## AFEH

There could be a whole load of possibilities for what your partner is doing, motivations for her behaviour. One thing you can guarantee is that she is not being honest and open with you wrt her motivations.


A wise, experienced man in your situation will spy on his wife. And by doing so he would uncover the things his partner is not telling him. Because for sure your partner has secrets and others will know them whereas you don’t.


----------



## AFEH

willywonka747 said:


> I am done with this site and you people.
> 
> You only hear what you want to hear.
> 
> Admin - please delete my account.


For goodness sake don't wimp out here on TAM like you have with your partner.


Think about your phrase "You only hear want you want to hear".

It's why you ran off, because you weren't hearing what you wanted to hear.


----------



## RandomDude

Well if he really wants things to go well he'll come back - like me. I've had my share of hard lessons to learn here on TAM as well. Some weren't easy to swallow.

Sometimes the lightbulb moment doesn't come on until later either. We may have planted the seeds of change, but that's it.


----------



## AFEH

Sometimes it needs someone to throw the switch such that the light comes on and the light-bulb moment occurs.


----------



## Toffer

Willy, one last thing....

If you're already seeing a professional counselor, why don't you ask THEM about this issue instead of a bunch of yahoos on the internet?


----------



## Entropy3000

AFEH said:


> willywonka747, you are more than likely experiencing some strong negative emotions and that’s why you feel as you do. As a man in your situation its natural to feel the emotions of jealousy and betrayal.
> 
> With jealousy, you’ll be feeling insecure, fearful and anxious at the thought of losing your wife to another man because she's on dating websites. You may also be feeling angry at your wife, resentful and somewhat disgusted by her behaviour. Believe me these feelings, these emotions are all perfectly normal and are a universal human experience.
> 
> The thing with women is though that they know these things. They know for a fact that if they for example flirt with another man, their husband or boyfriend will become jealous and experience all the painful emotions above.
> 
> 
> 
> This is very much a test for you, it could be a fitness test or a shet test. With the former, you’ve been together a long time yet you’re not married. She may well be testing you to see how much you love her and what your commitment to her is. The amount of jealousy you feel is directly proportional to the amount of love you feel for her and the amount you value her in your life, not just for you but your children as well.
> 
> 
> At the moment, your response has told her you don’t give a shet about her.
> 
> That you are neither in love with her or value her in your life. Because any man who loved his woman simply would not be able to even entertain the thought of what your wife is doing let alone not only condone that type of behaviour but support it as well.
> 
> So by your actions you’ve more or less told her to feck off out of your life.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> But your wife may well be shet testing you. A shet test is something your wife does that wounds you and causes you pain. This may be a well thought out action, an accident, conscious or subconscious behaviour. The thing is you know you’ve been shet tested when you are feeling negative emotions.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> So all this stuff with the dating sites may well have been designed solely to wound you and cause you pain. If that’s the case, it sure is working isn’t it. If this is the case then your wife is behaving in a passive aggressive way. PA is nasty, horrible, wicked and sometimes evil stuff. It maybe that you have a very bitter and resentful partner on your hands and her response to her bitterness and resentment is not to work through her problems with you but to wound you and cause you pain.
> 
> 
> Of course your current situation with your wife may well be due to the fact that you haven’t married her. That she is feeling insecure and resentful because of that and her response is to give you a great big combined fitness test and shet test.
> 
> 
> 
> You are failing miserably at both and because of that you are more or less guaranteed to lose your partner because she sure seems set on finding another man while she keeps you as her Plan B.


Ambivalence says "I don't really care for you." Not marrying her says "I don't really care for you."

So ceremony aside what part of any of this indicates they are husband and wife?

Willy, she is now in search for the golden ticket. She is looking on a dating site.


----------



## mrstj4sho88

Entropy3000 said:


> Now if you could just take a stand like this with your wife.


That is just it she is not his wife (girlfriend/mother of his kids). IMHO the lady does not see anything wrong with being on a dating site. She is single and getting ready to play (and I don't mean house ) . She has dated him for 16 years and the mother of two of his kids.


----------



## anchorwatch

willywonka747 said:


> I am done with this site and you people.
> 
> You only hear what you want to hear.
> 
> Admin - please delete my account.


Willy, to a fault every poster told you this was not a good idea. 

Here's an idea. Find another marriage site and post your situation there 

See if you get a different answer. 

Then let us know how selective our hearing has been. 

I'm sure we can all use some enlightenment.


----------



## sandc

mrstj4sho88 said:


> That is just it she is not his wife (girlfriend/mother of his kids). IMHO the lady does not see anything wrong with being on a dating site. She is single and getting ready to play (and I don't mean house ) . She has dated him for 16 years and the mother of two of his kids.


I gotta' say I think MrsTJ here is nailing it. She's not married to him (common law perhaps) but no ring and now legal piece of paper. Maybe she's shopping for a commitment.


----------



## Drover

Toffer said:


> Willy, one last thing....
> 
> If you're already seeing a professional counselor, why don't you ask THEM about this issue instead of a bunch of yahoos on the internet?


Who you calling a yahoo?


----------



## Entropy3000

mrstj4sho88 said:


> That is just it she is not his wife (girlfriend/mother of his kids). IMHO the lady does not see anything wrong with being on a dating site. She is single and getting ready to play (and I don't mean house ) . She has dated him for 16 years and the mother of two of his kids.


You are right. I am now seeing that they are not even married.


----------



## mrstj4sho88

sandc said:


> I gotta' say I think MrsTJ here is nailing it. She's not married to him (common law perhaps) but no ring and now legal piece of paper. Maybe she's shopping for a commitment.


:iagree:


----------



## drained

Oh man I wish I had seen this post earlier. OP's story sounds exactly like mine. Find previous posts made by me. Though my ex was never open and honest about what she was doing. She started just seeking validation from internet dating sites. When I caught on found out she had met up with 50 men in the 1 month span I gathered evidence. 

OP if you are still reading this is just a prelude of things to come.


----------



## CO_MOM

Seems this would also hinder the help your seeking for self esteem/confidence issues as well


----------



## sharkeey

drained said:


> When I caught on found out she had met up with 50 men in the 1 month span I gathered evidence.
> 
> OP if you are still reading this is just a prelude of things to come.


That's like 2 guys per day every day for only the one month that you evidenced gathered.

Seems rather extreme.


----------



## Skate Daddy 9

You would not have taken the time to post this if you, yourself did not think that there was something wrong with what she was doing.


----------



## sandc

I believe OP has bolted. 

He may be back in a month or two though... in the CWI forum.


----------



## sharkeey

The Op won't return, is my guess.

There are different types of people that post on these boards.

Some people post just to vent, or to share in the experiences of others.. not necessarily looking for advice but to feel like they're not alone in what they're going through.

Others are at a complete loss and want advice, or strategy, or the next steps, and many of them take the advice and use it to their advantage.

Then we've got posters like Willy here, all too common that post on these boards expecting to hear that they're doing fine, all is ok, nothing to worry about, great job. As soon as they hear something contrary to what they believe, or what they can handle, suddenly everyone else is wrong and ganging up on them because of their own problems.


----------



## mrstj4sho88

sharkeey said:


> The Op won't return, is my guess.
> 
> There are different types of people that post on these boards.
> 
> Some people post just to vent, or to share in the experiences of others.. not necessarily looking for advice but to feel like they're not alone in what they're going through.
> 
> Others are at a complete loss and want advice, or strategy, or the next steps, and many of them take the advice and use it to their advantage.
> 
> Then we've got posters like Willy here, all too common that post on these boards expecting to hear that they're doing fine, all is ok, nothing to worry about, great job. As soon as they hear something contrary to what they believe, or what they can handle, suddenly everyone else is wrong and ganging up on them because of their own problems.


He might just be reading now. But the name of this thread is false. Maybe he knows we caught on to her not being his wife.


----------



## Pault

"Some of the situation I am in is my fault. Several weeks ago, I listened in on a conversation my wife was having with her mom on the phone. For some reason I just had it in my head she was going to tell her she wanted to leave me. Well that was not the case, as it never is. Yes I have issues and am working with a therapist for get over these stupid feelings. Perhaps what she is doing is just sending me a message. Only time will tell."

WOW - just spent sometime reading through this post. Wonker there are many points made by the guys that are right. 

You have admitted that "you" have an issue which in credit you are getting help. This appears to be one that concerns your wife potentially leaving you? If this is the case why the heck is she clearly firing up the anxiety levels by joining a dating site? This to anyone with some sense is a massive warning of things to come. If there are trust issues then this is a stoker filling the boiler. Just because she says she on the site and its just looking IMO means that shes covering it as OK to be on there and yes SHE IS LOOKING it doesnt mean shes not going to do something about it. If this was my W then the roof would rise. This is a boundry that even the most open marridge would not cross. Its fueling a trust concern. You need as stated above to either set in place a key logger and see whats happening (and I bet it isnt a happy friends chat ) or at the very least stop this obserd belief that this is an ok thing todo. What next will be acceptable meeting someone because they are just friends....
Sorry my friend but reading the detail here is so uncomfortable. Your low confidence is not being helped by the adventurous wife comments. Its a time bomb waiting to go up and it will if your not careful be you that is in the line of fire (I sincerly hope not). 

Take control of this now as you W's adventures will move to more unacceptable areas


----------



## KhienHan

willywonka747 said:


> Today, my wife joined a dating site because she likes the attention and the newness of the situation. She was open and honest about it and did not try to hide any of her conversations. She says she completely loves me and that I have nothing to worry about. My wife has NEVER cheated on me and would leave if she even thought there was a chance at it happening.
> 
> I know some may say I should leave her, but I completely trust her. I guess I am just worried and looking to see what others in this same situation think.
> 
> I do think men and women can have opposite sex friendships so long as there is trust and respect.
> 
> Thoughts?


Wow, 16 years together is not easy. willywonka747, congratulations.

Yes, I agree that men and women can have an opposite sex friendship. 

And your wife lets you know she joins the dating forum, that mean she still loves you and don't want you to feel misunderstood. Do you agree that, women like to share her feeling than men? I guess your wife share her feeling more than you share your feeling with her...I will feel scary if one day my wife do not talk to me, I can sense she is not happy and moody on the day...then I will try to talk to her...in fact, women like to talk...

For me, not a problem if my wife talks to men on dating sites as long as she lets me know in advance.


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## RandomDude

@Khienhan

=/

I give my wife absolute freedom to the point I even push FREEDOM to her and then she whines about me not being protective enough... pffft

She has never needed to go on a dating site, she has never gave me reason to distrust her either. But come on, WTF really will be my response. This is a sign of complete disrespect and utter disregard of one's husband


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## AlphaHalf

> For me, not a problem if my wife talks to men on dating sites as long as she lets me know in advance.


Sounds like a good trusting thing to say.........until it happens.


People go to DATING sites for finding and meeting someone to DATE. The casual talk will eventually lead to something more substantial like Flirting/EA/Meeting/Sex. There are all types of forums and chat rooms to meet people to share or talk about general experiences and a DATING site is not one of them for a person in a committed relationship to be involved with.


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## KhienHan

RandomDude said:


> @Khienhan
> 
> =/
> 
> I give my wife absolute freedom to the point I even push FREEDOM to her and then she whines about me not being protective enough... pffft
> 
> She has never needed to go on a dating site, she has never gave me reason to distrust her either. But come on, WTF really will be my response. This is a sign of complete disrespect and utter disregard of one's husband


Hi, RandomDude, I understand why you are unhappy. You feel disrespected from your wife.

But, do you ever try to understand what a woman wants from a man? Care. Yes, they need our care. They do not like so much of freedom in fact, they want their husband to take care her, help her make decisions. For example, do you decide which restaurant for dinner or your wife? Tell you one secret, woman likes her husband to decide the place, not asking her opinion and let her make the decision (sort of freedom). If she does not like that restaurant, she will let you know, and then, you can show you listen to her and she will feel you are respecting her. 

You must understand this, last time, her father did make the decision for her, so, after marrying, she expects the same thing from her husband too. Do not give her a lot of freedom and make most of the decisions for her. She will feel her husband cares and protecting her just like her father (your father in law) did.

Sorry, if I do not know the whole story and misinterpret your issue. But, as for I did, I always try to improve myself instead of change peoples mind to respect me. Maybe you can talk to her about your feeling too and ask her the reasons. You will surprise the reasons that she gives you just a small matter.


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## KhienHan

AlphaHalf said:


> Sounds like a good trusting thing to say.........until it happens.
> 
> 
> People go to DATING sites for finding and meeting someone to DATE. The casual talk will eventually lead to something more substantial like Flirting/EA/Meeting/Sex. There are all types of forums and chat rooms to meet people to share or talk about general experiences and a DATING site is not one of them for a person in a committed relationship to be involved with.


Thanks AlphaHalf. But I always believe this, if I have done my husband part, and my wife still goes to dating site, that means I didn't perform as a husband well. 

Do you agree that, man always take it granted and assume we do everything for our wife, but in fact maybe not what our wife wants?

Of course, I cannot say every woman like that, but most of the women like to share and need our cares. Proper communicate is the best solution and don't keep quiet observation.

A woman goes to dating site to find extra cares and sharing her feeling, of course will lead to flirting /EA/Meeting/Sex ... as per you mentioned. But, at the first hand, if we can give her with our cares, there is not a reason for a woman visit dating site. (***Of course there might an extreme case)


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## AFEH

KhienHan said:


> Thanks AlphaHalf. *But I always believe this, if I have done my husband part, and my wife still goes to dating site, that means I didn't perform as a husband well.
> *
> Do you agree that, man always take it granted and assume we do everything for our wife, but in fact maybe not what our wife wants?
> 
> Of course, I cannot say every woman like that, but most of the women like to share and need our cares. Proper communicate is the best solution and don't keep quiet observation.
> 
> A woman goes to dating site to find extra cares and sharing her feeling, of course will lead to flirting /EA/Meeting/Sex ... as per you mentioned. But, at the first hand, if we can give her with our cares, there is not a reason for a woman visit dating site. (***Of course there might an extreme case)


You’ll find it much better if you treat your wife not as a child but as an adult with total responsibility for her own values and beliefs and therefore her own behaviour and life.


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## AlphaHalf

> For me, not a problem if my wife talks to men on dating sites as long as she lets me know in advance.


Remember you said its not a problem.



> But, at the first hand, if we can give her with our cares, there is not a reason for a woman visit dating site. (***Of course there might an extreme case)


But the very act of visiting a Dating site (or any action harmful to the relationship) is a problem regardless if you know in advance.

From what I learned in life I don't take a lot of things for granted especially when dealing with women.

I do believe communication is key in every relationship. But there is no 100% effective way to prevent someone from infidelity. You can be the "Perfect Husband/Wife" and your spouse can still cheat for whatever reason they see fit. Check out some of the other posts in this forum and you'll see what I'm talking about.

All you can do is effectively communicate, love each other, find out what is best for the relationship and try to fulfill each others needs. Both partners must commit 100% into the relationship to make it work. But if your to married to a selfish, narcissistic, (Fill in the blank) person then It wont matter how good of a provider you are.


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## KhienHan

AlphaHalf said:


> Remember you said its not a problem.
> 
> I do believe communication is key in every relationship. But there is no 100% effective way to prevent someone from infidelity. You can be the "Perfect Husband/Wife" and your spouse can still cheat for whatever reason they see fit. Check out some of the other posts in this forum and you'll see what I'm talking about.
> 
> All you can do is effectively communicate, love each other, find out what is best for the relationship and try to fulfill each others needs. Both partners must commit 100% into the relationship to make it work. But if your to married to a selfish, narcissistic, (Fill in the blank) person then It wont matter how good of a provider you are.


Hence, what is the main factor that lead to this thing happen? Not enough understand of each other before getting married or too fast "jump" into the marriage life... 
You would not have a chance to marry to a selfish, narcissistic person if you understand your partner well before married... Another important thing, what I did before was, understand my wife's family background too...to see how they educate their daughter...


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## AlphaHalf

I agree with you. I did the same with my wife as well. You pick the best person you feel is compatible with you and build from there.

But people change and not always for the better. Not sure if you heard the saying "There only 2 things certain in life, Death and Taxes."


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## mrstj4sho88

mrstj4sho88 said:


> Well I guess she would not be telling a lie . When she join thoses site she is still single. He said they plan to marry in Oct :rofl:. He calls her his wife but she is the mother of his kids. So a single woman is checking on her options . He has no papers on her. Looks like a single woman is getting ready to play and not just house...:lol:...No one was mean to him here. He wants us to say it's ok .. Well it is ok for a single woman who has waited on a man for 16 yrs plus. He can't man up until he puts a ring on it ..She free and ready for business. IMHO he has waited to long to even try to man up. This woman getting ready to get her freak on. They don't call those kind of site "dating site" for nothing:scratchhead: Come on adults looking for adult attention . If the guy in not a troll , he needs to know a weak man is a turn off for any woman.


 please note.....

He is only calling her his wife. She is a single woman who is joining dating websites. Yes he has been dating her for 16 years. Looks like she just got tired of waiting on him.


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