# Worried - the constantly annoyed phase won't let up this time



## Meowshroom (Aug 14, 2020)

Hi,

So, I am getting married next year to someone I've been with for over 2 years. He fits me perfectly in almost every single way. I love his sense of humor, talking with him, spending time with him and he loves me and my two boys so much. Every so often, I go through these phases where everything he does annoys me - things like how he eats, how loud his laugh is, the way he says certain words (almost like a baby talk) and his constant need for affection. Anyway, usually this lasts a few days and then disappears and everything is back to normal. 

Recently it's been a few weeks and it won't go away. I'm really trying to purposefully ignore the things I'm getting annoyed about but it's creating so many questions in my head. I don't want to feel this way anymore and I'm not sure what to do about it or how to fix it. Why do we go through these annoyed phases to begin with? I know that's relatively normal but it's not normal for me to have it go on this long.

Thank you in advance.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Perhaps it's hormonal. I don't want to come across as sexist, but as a woman I sometimes dealt with everything annoying me at certain times of the month. I'm not saying that's your case. I'm just spit balling here. Annoyance can also be a symptom of depression. Again, just taking a stab.

I think you need to revisit your statement of how much you love his attributes and how he's almost "perfect." Because from where I'm sitting his near perfection is marred by your annoyance about who he basically is. How he eats annoys you? Does he talk with his mouth full? I mean unless he's eating like some sort of troglodyte, I imagine this could be YOUR issue and not his.

But the fact that his "constant" need for affection annoys you ... What exactly do you mean? Is he touching you all the time? Expecting sex every day? Sending you nudie pix? Again, from where I'm sitting it sounds like this could be a possible source of basic incapability. Is your sex drive different from his? Are you comfortable with less physical affection? This could be a different in your love languages. More details are needed. Could you supply them by giving examples?


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## Meowshroom (Aug 14, 2020)

I'll fully admit the usual annoyed phase aligns with monthly situations. That's why I always shrugged it off, knowing it would go away in a few days.

I meant perfect as in fitting with my personality. My last marriage wasn't close to fitting and ended up making me feel like i had to change myself. With my fiance, i have never felt that way and have been able to be myself again.

An example with eating is constant slurping and sometimes the amounts he eats (would feed me and my kids). The affection thing is me trying to clean, deal with the kids, etc and he will step in my way and want another hug. He will do this every 10 minutes until I start getting visually frustrated. He also will do this thing where he puts his face toward mine and in a baby voice, says "kisses?" I just.....ugh

I'd hate to end a relationship over such stupid things. That's why I was hoping there was something I could do to fix myself and how I'm feeling. 

Sex drive is fine. I can't say I've never felt compelled to act like I wanted to. However, he's pretty good at getting me in the mood for that. Sex hasn't been an issue so far.

I honestly don't really know what my ultimate goal is posting this here. I just know that I vented to my family a lot with my ex and I saw how that led to negative outcome. I don't want to do that here but I am just worried.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

If some of his characteristics you like about him start to fade, the things that you find bothersome about him will be magnified.

You need to get to the bottom of why those bothersome behaviors touch a nerve. Make him aware of those behaviors that annoy you and give him a chance to address them.

All the best to you and good luck with everything.


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## Meowshroom (Aug 14, 2020)

ah_sorandy said:


> If some of his characteristics you like about him start to fade, the things that you find bothersome about him will be magnified.
> 
> You need to get to the bottom of why those bothersome behaviors touch a nerve. Make him aware of those behaviors that annoy you and give him a chance to address them.
> 
> All the best to you and good luck with everything.


You don't think that would be controlling or trying to change him if I do that? I was considering it but I don't want to come across as controlling.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

I don't know him or you well enough, however, if something he is doing is bothering you, I think you should share that with him in a kind and gentle way. See if he helps you out and adjusts himself.

If you simply demand him to change, then yes, that is controlling, IMHO.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The intense new relationship chemicals are now wearing off at 2 years and you are finding that some of his behaviors--- who he is--- annoy the **** out of you. It's not likely to get better. I'd wager you are not deeply in love with him. Love, yes. In love, no.

I was very much in love with someone for years and years. He could have slurped so loud I needed earplugs and it wouldn't have annoyed me. He could have made silly faces while talking to me and I would just have laughed. 

My ex though.... slurping would have made me want to throw something at him. Trying to touch me while I was trying to get something done would have made me cringe inside.

That's why they say wait at least until the new relationship chemicals wear off before deciding to sign up for marriage.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Trying to hug you every ten minutes is definitely too much. Honestly, he sounds really needy. I honestly don't think this relationship can last no matter how compatible you are otherwise. There's no guarantee you will be able to get over your annoyances, and I don't blame you for having them. These issues should have been worked on before marriage was proposed.


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## Meowshroom (Aug 14, 2020)

OddOne said:


> Trying to hug you every ten minutes is definitely too much. Honestly, he sounds really needy. I honestly don't think this relationship can last no matter how compatible you are otherwise. There's no guarantee you will be able to get over your annoyances, and I don't blame you for having them. These issues should have been worked on before marriage was proposed.


Honestly, they were just something I was able to ignore when marriage was proposed. Now I feel like i am going to snap at him when he does it and it's taking everything I have in me to bite my tongue.


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## Meowshroom (Aug 14, 2020)

Livvie said:


> The intense new relationship chemicals are now wearing off at 2 years and you are finding that some of his behaviors--- who he is--- annoy the **** out of you. It's not likely to get better. I'd wager you are not deeply in love with him. Love, yes. In love, no.
> 
> I was very much in love with someone for years and years. He could have slurped so loud I needed earplugs and it wouldn't have annoyed me. He could have made silly faces while talking to me and I would just have laughed.
> 
> ...


Do you you think it's possible to remain compatible with someone if the things you love outweigh the things that annoy You? 

Is it really one of those "not in love" situations if your so has some habits that are annoying? I feel like this is pretty normal but I'm also biased I think.

I guess I'm really curious if there's something I can do for myself to make this better. Someone suggested talking to him. I feel like that might come off as an attack but I'm willing to try.


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## Meowshroom (Aug 14, 2020)

ah_sorandy said:


> I don't know him or you well enough, however, if something he is doing is bothering you, I think you should share that with him in a kind and gentle way. See if he helps you out and adjusts himself.
> 
> If you simply demand him to change, then yes, that is controlling, IMHO.


Thank you for your advice.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

The thing is this will not get better with time. You really have to re-evaluate this relationship before big day. It might be wearing off for you.


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## Meowshroom (Aug 14, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> The thing is this will not get better with time. You really have to re-evaluate this relationship before big day. It might be wearing off for you.


I understand.

It's so frustrating. My kids, my house, my art, my family...it seems like everyone and everything is making me feel this way. However, I'm marrying my fiance and I'm just concerned with these same feelings towards him.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Meowshroom said:


> It's so frustrating. My kids, my house, my art, my family...it seems like everyone and everything is making me feel this way. However, I'm marrying my fiance and I'm just concerned with these same feelings towards him.


Please put the marriage on hold. 

At first I had suspected this is a case of a single mother that had doubts about agreeing to a marriage proposal but felt it necessary to say yes because she thinks her fiance will make for a great stepfather to her children. And perhaps there is some of that going on here. But based on what you've said above, it doesn't appear to matter much who your fiance is. The issue, and please forgive me if I'm too direct, is with you. You need to have a psychological evaluation and diagnosis done. If you've not already. If you have, then consider changing whatever medications you may be taking, therapists, what have you. As things are, it probably doesn't matter if your fiance changes his bad habits, you are most likely going to find fault and feel annoyances with a new version of him. Same if you start a new relationship. You need to work on yourself first. Hopefully, if you are sure about someday marrying your fiance, he will be understanding and patient with you while you try and work through whatever your issues are.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Meowshroom said:


> I understand.
> 
> It's so frustrating. My kids, my house, my art, my family...it seems like everyone and everything is making me feel this way. However, I'm marrying my fiance and I'm just concerned with these same feelings towards him.


Are you saying that it is not just your fiance who annoys you but pretty much everything around?
That would mean that you are dealing with some issues, and should focus on why are you feeling that way? Individual
Counseling would help you to put things in perspective and understand more where these feelings come from. And then you would know if you should marry him ir not.


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## Mylehigh (Jul 8, 2019)

If you feel so strongly about all of this - enough to post on a forum and seek input - yet you think a viable option is NOT to talk with him about it for fear of being controlling... the real problem here is how you handle your feelings and communication. If I were him and somehow figured out this is your way of dealing with things, I’d be so outa there! It would be a lifelong nightmare scenario for me to live with someone who refused to even talk to me about something she felt this strongly about.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Meow, whether you want to admit it or not, you're losing interest in the guy. There's a good chance the annoyences you feel for others is tied to frustration over being tied to a committment that, deep down, you know is not what you really want to be stuck with for the rest of your life. Face it girl. The guy is starting to smell.


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

You dont tell us anything about his past only your own. Does he have other interests apart from you. I cant see this working. I cant see anything wrong with you from what you have told us. Where does he come from that he cant eat properly. If he hasnt been brought up which it sounds like he most likely has other issues as well. Do you want your kids to be like him. How should I put it, is he part of your community.


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## Meowshroom (Aug 14, 2020)

OddOne said:


> Please put the marriage on hold.
> 
> At first I had suspected this is a case of a single mother that had doubts about agreeing to a marriage proposal but felt it necessary to say yes because she thinks her fiance will make for a great stepfather to her children. And perhaps there is some of that going on here. But based on what you've said above, it doesn't appear to matter much who your fiance is. The issue, and please forgive me if I'm too direct, is with you. You need to have a psychological evaluation and diagnosis done. If you've not already. If you have, then consider changing whatever medications you may be taking, therapists, what have you. As things are, it probably doesn't matter if your fiance changes his bad habits, you are most likely going to find fault and feel annoyances with a new version of him. Same if you start a new relationship. You need to work on yourself first. Hopefully, if you are sure about someday marrying your fiance, he will be understanding and patient with you while you try and work through whatever your issues are.


I am not solely blaming anyone for me being me but I do remember my ex husband being very critical of me, whether it was things I said or did. There was a lot of verbal and sexual abuse there and the whole relationship created a very codependent issue for me.

These last couple years have been great and, after my ex, I really never thought I'd find someone who let me be myself. Perhaps that's why I feel so guilty getting annoyed at him for doing small things.

But I've been really working on breaking the codependent habits. It's hard. The only thing I can see being really different is being stuck at home with my kids 24/7 . The constant fighting, whining and tattling gets to me and then I feel guilty for not doing enough for them.

But I am emotionally and mentally exhausted. Their dad disappeared over 2 years ago and no one has seen him since. Trust me though, that's a good thing. He drove drunk with them in the car and that was honestly just the last straw.

So, yeah, I agree I need to work on myself and I agree putting the marriage on hold.


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## Meowshroom (Aug 14, 2020)

Mylehigh said:


> If you feel so strongly about all of this - enough to post on a forum and seek input - yet you think a viable option is NOT to talk with him about it for fear of being controlling... the real problem here is how you handle your feelings and communication. If I were him and somehow figured out this is your way of dealing with things, I’d be so outa there! It would be a lifelong nightmare scenario for me to live with someone who refused to even talk to me about something she felt this strongly about.


I'm willing to talk to him. I just feel guilty about what the subject is - him being himself.

And we do talk about things all the time that bother me. It could be from how I felt he mishandled a situation with the kids to correcting him on where certain dishes go from the dishwasher.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

To be fair, I have a somewhat similar personality in that I can get highly annoyed when people don't do things in the "correct" way. I'm mostly annoyed when people do things in a haphazard way which risks harm to others. That's not to say I'm super OCD. I'm not. I have my own messes. But no mess I create would lead to the realistic possibility of someone getting hurt. I've also known people that can't eat properly, and the sound is grating. It doesn't help that I have Asperger's Syndrome which exacerbates my sensitivity to these things.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Meowshroom said:


> I understand.
> 
> It's so frustrating. My kids, my house, my art, my family...it seems like everyone and everything is making me feel this way. However, I'm marrying my fiance and I'm just concerned with these same feelings towards him.


If Everything and everyone in your life, your kids, your family, your art, etc, is irritating you... perhaps it is* you* where your real problem resides?

Are you using other people as a mirror, using them to reflect what's in you, back at you, but looking like your fiance, kids, family, art, etc?

I would suggest individual counselling for you, plus relationship counselling, too.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Has he been married before?


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## Meowshroom (Aug 14, 2020)

Spicy said:


> Has he been married before?


We both have been married before, yes.


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## Meowshroom (Aug 14, 2020)

OddOne said:


> To be fair, I have a somewhat similar personality in that I can get highly annoyed when people don't do things in the "correct" way. I'm mostly annoyed when people do things in a haphazard way which risks harm to others. That's not to say I'm super OCD. I'm not. I have my own messes. But no mess I create would lead to the realistic possibility of someone getting hurt. I've also known people that can't eat properly, and the sound is grating. It doesn't help that I have Asperger's Syndrome which exacerbates my sensitivity to these things.


Sort of off topic and I realize asbergers is different from autism but I've always been suspicious that I may be on the spectrum myself. I've been too nervous to get tested though and don't know anybody diagnosed with it to ask what it's like, etc..


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## Meowshroom (Aug 14, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> If Everything and everyone in your life, your kids, your family, your art, etc, is irritating you... perhaps it is* you* where your real problem resides?
> 
> Are you using other people as a mirror, using them to reflect what's in you, back at you, but looking like your fiance, kids, family, art, etc?
> 
> I would suggest individual counselling for you, plus relationship counselling, too.


Oh, I fully agree and that's kinda what I've been saying. I feel like it's a combination of being stuck at home with my kids 24/7, not helping financially because I lost my job, not having friends, no adult conversations, etc..


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Meowshroom said:


> Sort of off topic and I realize asbergers is different from autism but I've always been suspicious that I may be on the spectrum myself. I've been too nervous to get tested though and don't know anybody diagnosed with it to ask what it's like, etc..


Actually, Asperger's is a type of autism and is on the Autistic Spectrum. There are several people on TAM who have Asperger's Syndrome.


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## Meowshroom (Aug 14, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> Actually, Asperger's is a type of autism and is on the Autistic Spectrum. There are several people on TAM who have Asperger's Syndrome.


I didn't mean to offend anyone.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Meowshroom said:


> I didn't mean to offend anyone.


You haven't offended anyone! I just thought they might be able to offer you their experience-based advice.


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