# need advice and help on this...



## plaintired (Oct 24, 2014)

Hi new here and just wanted to see what you all think. I am having this problem with my husband where it seems to me that he doesn't want to do anything at all with me. I do everything that a wife is supposed to do for her husband. I give him his space when he gets of off work. I keep a clean house, have dinner ready when he gets home. I also get up in the morning to prepare his lunch and make sure he's got coffee every morning.

I think my problem is this, when he comes home from work he asks how's my day and I do ask how's his day too. He talks a bit for a few minutes at the most 5 minutes. Then he goes to his computer and stays on it until I tell him dinner is ready or I ask him if wants to dinner as it is already getting late. We eat dinner sometimes he talks and sometimes not. We're done with dinner, thanks me for cooking dinner. Goes back to his comp and stays on it a few more hours, at 10:00 gets ready to shower after he's done showering he goes back to computer and stays on until he feels it's time for bed. I do not go and see what he is doing on his computer, as whenever I come around he quickly clicks of off whatever he's doing and goes to news, sports, etc..

Now this has been going on for years and I would ask him why we don't spend time together like the married couples do. He feels that when "we" go to do grocery shopping, pay bills, etc.. that to him that is spending time together, but I don't think it is. To me it is just taking care of things that need to be taken care of and not "quality" time at all. We would argue over this many times and all that I get out of it is a lot of meanness from him and so I try not to bother him too much about it. This has been the way our marriage has been after our first year of being married.(married 10 years)

I am beginning to feel that I do not have a real marriage at all. I am starting to feel very angry and very hurt over all this. Just to be clear we do not have any intimacy or sex at all. I don't know what's going on, everytime I want to talk about it he says, I am just being silly, being a cry baby and that I should grow up and not expect too much from him. He even says that married people do not spend time together, they pretty much do their own thing apart from each other. He also says that if married people do spend time together, then he's sorry, but he's just not that kind of husband.

Thank you for listening.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, your husband is right about one thing. He's not "that kind of husband". Now the question you need to ask is "do you need that kind of husband?" Which doesn't seem like an unreasonable request. 

Have you done any checking to see if he's cheating on you? Because his activities raise a number of red flags. 

Are there any kids involved?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## plaintired (Oct 24, 2014)

PBear said:


> Well, your husband is right about one thing. He's not "that kind of husband". Now the question you need to ask is "do you need that kind of husband?" Which doesn't seem like an unreasonable request.
> 
> Have you done any checking to see if he's cheating on you? Because his activities raise a number of red flags.
> 
> ...


No kids involved, and yes I have known of an EA that he had 4 years ago. But he denies that there was ever one. He would say that he would cut down on online activities, but they only last for a few days and it happens all over again. He also says that he will not stop going online just to make me happy, he says that is something he likes to do to relax and that he should be allowed to go online for as long as he wants. I don't get it, I don't cheat on him, i'm loyal and faithful to him. I'm a good wife and always have put him first in everything.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So given this, why are you with him?

And why are you a stay at home wife? Maybe it's time to start making yourself self-sufficient? Right now, it seems that he's happy with you being a live in maid/cook. So create yourself some options. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

are you seriously telling us that you've never looked into his online activities? 

if all you've done in the last 10 years is complain how could you possibly be surprised that nothing has changed ? 

10 years no kids no relationship. have you been content to stay at home all this time?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Ask him what he is doing on his PC as he is constantly hiding stuff from you.

Watch his reaction closely.

If you feel that he is lying, ask him for passwords to email/facebook etc and make sure he provides it right on the spot (if he doesn't, he is hiding something or will be deleting stuff.....and provide you account info late.....by that time it's too late). If his answer is no, your answer is "he is up to no good".

Do you have admin rights to his computer?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

If you have access, you can look at his browser history. If he clears it, it could be hiding something or just habit of clearing. I do this as a huge about of crap will slow my system down.

Btw, in marriage, there is confusion over privacy and secrecy. Privacy is closing the bathroom door. There is no secrecy in marriage. All accounts, passwords devices are shared and always available to both spouses. Everything is open and transparent.

It's possible he's looking at porn and wants to hide that. Who knows.

So, get creative. Have dinner then grab him to go for a walk. Right out the front door. Hold hands. Break the cycle and get him involved with life. Real life. Jump in the shower with him. Grab him by the hand and lead him to the shower. 

If you want to change his behavior, you'll need to change yours. Step up and get creative.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

plaintired said:


> I am beginning to feel that I do not have a real marriage at all. I am starting to feel very angry and very hurt over all this. Just to be clear we do not have any intimacy or sex at all. I don't know what's going on, everytime I want to talk about it he says, I am just being silly, being a cry baby and that I should grow up and not expect too much from him. He even says that married people do not spend time together, they pretty much do their own thing apart from each other. He also says that if married people do spend time together, then he's sorry, but he's just not that kind of husband.
> 
> Thank you for listening.


You don't have a real marriage. You are not feeling it because it ain't there. Sex is a large part of marriage. No sex....you are just room mates. However, he benefits from the food, cleaning and June Cleaver type atmosphere you create faithfully and daily. You get to see the back of his head for over three hours a day as he focuses at the computer. And bullsheet...married couples spend time together. I spend no less than 15 hours a week just me and the W. Most weeks it will be the entire weekend and every evening plus a hour or two in the morning. 

Yep...he is not that kind of H. If that is the case, you are not his type of W. Sit him down and explain what you are missing in your life. If he does not respond to your needs then perhaps D and find "that kind of H."

As far as his online activity and closing out when you enter the room...he is doing something that you would not approve of. Porn, etc. His particular need(sexual) is more than likely getting taken care of via porn. Honestly, is he really non-sexual?


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## plaintired (Oct 24, 2014)

@clipclop2 I have tried to look at what he is doing, but what can I do if I do not have any access to it. He keeps all passwords on his comp. 

@DoF I have so many times and it always turns into a huge argument and he says it's none of my business, and that I should trust and take his word. No admin rights at all.

@Q tip I have over the years tried to do all that you say to do, but he always says he'd rather be at home on the comp reading stuff on the internet. We go out and sometimes I think everything is ok because we did have some fun, but the minute we get back home everything is right back to the same old stuff again..


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

You can used a hardware based keylogger which you plug his keyboard into.

That will give you the logon password.

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=...zxrYRCQXxIjk-Og&bvm=bv.77880786,d.cWc&cad=rja


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You don't have a marriage you are roomates and you are the hired housekeeper/cook. I wouldn't stay in this situation, especially since you don't have any children. Why doesn't he want to be intimate with you? Does he have performance issues? I would leave a note and say I left, odds are he isn't going to notice you are gone until he gets hungry. He would probably be fine alone anyway as long as he has his computer to keep himself company since he doesn't want to be intimate with you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm trying to figure out why a woman with no kids, and what sounds like no serious physical disabilities, isn't working a full-time job.

Start earning your own money and having your own life; you certainly aren't significant to your emotionally-absent husband. 

What has me wondering if this post is authentic is the fact that your husband tells you it's none of your business what he's doing on his computer ... and you don't even come across as that angry or disgusted.

Frankly, I'm baffled as to why any woman would stay with a man for 10 years who shows minimal interest in her in any way whatsoever.:scratchhead:


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

OP you didn't answer my question about being content to stay home all day.

Get a job.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

plaintired said:


> Then he goes to his computer and stays on it until I tell him dinner is ready
> 
> Goes back to his comp and stays on it a few more hours,
> 
> ...


All red flags for porn addiction.

btw, he's wankin it in the shower.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> OP you didn't answer my question about being content to stay home all day.
> 
> Get a job.


Amen on the job. 

You need to reduce your dependence on husband.


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## plaintired (Oct 24, 2014)

@Lenzi: Thank you, will look into that.


@HappilyMarried25: Yes I have to totally agree with you. I do not have a marriage. So now I am taking steps to do what I need to do to get out of it. As for performance issues there are some days when he says that he's just tired, or stressed out then other days he's blaming everything on me, it's all my fault so honestly I don't know anymore.


@clipclop2: OP you didn't answer my question about being content to stay home all day.

Get a job.

no i'm not content. And yes I am out there looking for a job.

@Prodigal: 

What has me wondering if this post is authentic is the fact that your husband tells you it's none of your business what he's doing on his computer ... and you don't even come across as that angry or disgusted.

Frankly, I'm baffled as to why any woman would stay with a man for 10 years who shows minimal interest in her in any way whatsoever.

Yes this post is authentic and yes I have been angry and disgusted at it. As for staying with him, well I do not have family around to help me.


@commonsenseisn't: yes I agree and working on the job situation for myself.


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

I remember someone posting about this same exact situation before. OP did you change your username?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do the 180 and get ready to leave. He may shape up but best to be ready to move on.

It must be possible to get something you can plug into the router or modem


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

it sounds a bit off that no spouses allowed but another company is invited along, i would have no problem with a non spouse company dinner but the after party with another company invited sounds far from team building/bonding


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

plaintired said:


> @Prodigal:
> 
> Frankly, I'm baffled as to why any woman would stay with a man for 10 years who shows minimal interest in her in any way whatsoever.
> 
> Yes this post is authentic and yes I have been angry and disgusted at it. *As for staying with him, well I do not have family around to help me*.


WTF???? If this is an authentic post, then be an "authentic" adult.

Family around to "help" how? I assume you can get a job, pay bills, drive a car, and rent an apartment. All without a family.

Make friends. Develop hobbies. Join clubs. Get a job. Then put on your big-girl panties and LEAVE THIS LOSER.

Seriously.


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