# Why?



## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

How can someone go a day without contacting someone they love? Or even a week? My husband says he wants to work things out, yet I feel like a nuisance if I call him once in a day or even text him. 

My brain says give up and my heart says I still love him so much. 

I wish I could shut my heart off so my brain can take over. Its all so tiring.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Have you told him how much you equate his desire to his attempt to contact? The phone/daily contact thing seems to be one of those incredibly annoying gender language differences. I feel for ya, and hope to find answers to that one myself... it's infuriating!!!!! Beyond infuriating LOL


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

I love my kids, and I love my wife, but I have not been able to talk to my kids for almost 2 weeks, and I have to not communicate with my wife, and my wife is the only contact point to be able to talk to my kids


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

I have stated this to him. He feels claustrophobic. And his excuse is, "I'm a guy, sorry." As a guy, do you feel that way? 
It doesn't help that I'm pregnant and emotional too, so some days, I'm really okay because I have a life too, but some days its like geez, it's been like a week and you can't call or text or email or nothin'? I'm always the initiator and he usually never responds to me. He's always too busy, or so he says. We don't live in the same city, so it's our only means of communication. We gotta get on a plane in order to see each other. 

I just feel like I'm sacrificing so much, and he isn't. He's going about his everyday life as if I don't exist.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Crankshwa, that's not right. Find an intermediary, for goodness sake! The kids deserve to have contact with their father. Unless, of course, you've been identified by the court as a risk for them. I don't think that is the situation here, though. So find someone, anyone, to go to the house and help your kids contact you! How old are they? Can you use Skype with them? it's a great system b/c they can see you, too, if you have a camera on your computer or can borrow one (check the library).


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> I love my kids, and I love my wife, but I have not been able to talk to my kids for almost 2 weeks, and I have to not communicate with my wife, and my wife is the only contact point to be able to talk to my kids


Crank - that's horrible!
I couldn't imagine being separated from my kids, much less not being in contact with them for that long. Times going awry again? I was hoping that it would be a little better for you by now, at least with the kids and such. I should be thankful that at least I have all my children. I hope you talk to them soon. That must be infuriating and painful.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

OK pregnancy makes it all the worse... been there and OMG do you have all my sympathies and empathies!!! That was one of those things that when pregnant sent me over the edge (even to the point of scaring me a little at HOW much it hurt me) Doesn't help even to know hormones are part of the reason... just more frustrating.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Sakaye, you might want to get a counselor to help you through this. It is a tough situation. You have a need--to have more contact initiated by him. Either you *really* figure out how to move forward without having this need met (ie, you reframe the "need" as a "want," and realize you can do without it), or he meets it. One of these things needs to happen or your resentment will build. 

One of the great dangers here is that a person will often try to reframe their need to a want, and then try to accept that they aren't gonna get what they want. BUT, if you do not really, truly, deep inside, find satisfaction in the relationship that way, then resentment will creep back in, slowly, stealthily. You can end up on a downward spiral and he'll never know what hit him. A counselor will help you communicate with him about this issue--and he will have a choice to make, too, which is, meeting your need or letting you reframe it (while realizing there is a risk there). If he is going to feel resentment at having to call you every other day, then he can choose to reframe his need (not to call you) as a want, and give it up happily, OR he can say, "I cannot do this for you; I'm just not that person" and hope you reframe successfully, or accept that the two of you have a pretty big compatability issue. 

Hope this make sense, and good luck.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Sakaye said:


> I'm always the initiator and he usually never responds to me. He's always too busy, or so he says. We don't live in the same city, so it's our only means of communication.
> 
> I just feel like I'm sacrificing so much, and he isn't. He's going about his everyday life as if I don't exist.


Me and you both Sweety. And I am just trying to convince myself, repeating over and over that I have to give up.. He isn't saying he wants me, he isn't asking me to spend a day with him and the kids at the weekend, he's not calling up to talk to me, just to hear my voice... 

He is living a single man's life, with the enjoyment of having 3 amazing kids that he can see one day a week... right now, my kids look forward to seeing him, but one day, they are going to realise 3-4hours isn't enough, they deserve better... They've all been really poorly recently, was he here to hug them, wipe noses, give out medicine? No.. It was Mummy, they know that their Mum loves their Daddy and wants him to come home, they also know it was his choice to leave... 

But do you know what I noticed today, they just gave him a hug, shouted bye Dad and ran indoors, I think that hurt him a little bit, but they know that I am the one that is going to love them and look after them day in day out. I went out a couple of weeks ago leaving them over night with my parents, they kept asking if I was definately going to be home in the morning, it broke my heart, I didn't want to go... but my Mum made me..

Sorry to go off on a tangent... it's Me, you lot should expect it by now 

I think you can tell by my posts, just how confused I am...


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Sakaye said:


> I have stated this to him. He feels claustrophobic. And his excuse is, "I'm a guy, sorry." As a guy, do you feel that way?


Nope, right now I feel lonely and lost (but not as much as I did a week ago)



> It doesn't help that I'm pregnant and emotional too, so some days, I'm really okay because I have a life too, but some days its like geez,


when my W was pregnant I thought that was when she was her most attractive.



> it's been like a week and you can't call or text or email or nothin'?


The only means of contact without going vis the W is FB messages, and she has restricted that weekends for the kids from what the eldest has said.



> I'm always the initiator and he usually never responds to me. He's always too busy, or so he says.


I have been the initiator, she mostly just ignored email & sms, and the few times I did ring she went into instant angry mode.



> We don't live in the same city, so it's our only means of communication. We gotta get on a plane in order to see each other.


we are currently 5 minutes away by car.



> I just feel like I'm sacrificing so much, and he isn't. He's going about his everyday life as if I don't exist.


Welcome to the club


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Me and you both Sweety. And I am just trying to convince myself, repeating over and over that I have to give up..


not give up, back off, big big difference.



> He is living a single man's life, with the enjoyment of having 3 amazing kids that he can see one day a week... right now, my kids look forward to seeing him, but one day, they are going to realise 3-4hours isn't enough, they deserve better..


I am wanting to have my kids for 3 or 4 days over Easter, my eldest two kids want to take me and my young boys away camping for over easter (tents etc), I don't know wether or not the W is going to allow me to take the boys though.



> They've all been really poorly recently, was he here to hug them, wipe noses, give out medicine? No.. It was Mummy, they know that their Mum loves their Daddy and wants him to come home, they also know it was his choice to leave...


My boys know I love them, and their mum, and they know it was *not* my choice to move away.



> Sorry to go off on a tangent... it's Me, you lot should expect it by now






> I think you can tell by my posts, just how confused I am...


we all are, I am in a position to give a mans take on some things though


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> not give up, back off, big big difference.
> 
> I suppose, but I have to think about living my life without him in it, I mean after all, he's not even hinting he wants a life with me and the kids
> 
> ...


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

> And I thank you for that... You know, when he came to pick up/drop off the kids, I swear he was checking me out.. but I can't be sure, he seemed like he wanted to hug me but we didn't, I wish I could read him! He's gone from saying he'd be open to going out on a date with me later on, to no I don't ever see anything happening in a space of a few days
> 
> Is there someone else? Is he confused? Is he just pushing me away so it's easier for him to work out what he wants? ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHH



I could have written that ...with exception that he did hug me ...3 times...and held me for a while...so confusing.Also checked me out,told me a look amazing....
I asked him yesterday what was that all about than...he said it was all true and he doesn't know...
I even asked...WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?! he quietly responded "i don't know"

I asked him " don't you have the desire to be intimate with me ?" he said plain "no" ...4 weeks ago he told me his sex drive is really low...i wonder if its because he want it to be low so he wouldn't want me...I've said it before but we had a great sex life,we've always talked about how lucky we are to have that after 10 years of marriage....i just don't get it....i don't understand....
AmI...i do believe that they struggle because the want to push us away and it's hard for them,that is why they try to "hate "us , try to tell themselves that they are better off without us...so controversial...i will never ever understand it...i wish we had some insight from someone that woke up from "that "so it could tell us how and why they felt like that....


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

> I suppose, but I have to think about living my life without him in it, I mean after all, he's not even hinting he wants a life with me and the kids


thats right, you have to do what is going to be best for you and your kids, he chose to leave, he can deal with any issues he may have.



> I hope she does allow you! My H isn't even offering!


I hope so too, both the boys & I would have a fantastic time.



> And I thank you for that...


my pleasure (can you tell I have had a pretty good last day or so?)



> You know, when he came to pick up/drop off the kids, I swear he was checking me out.. but I can't be sure,


he probably was, you just need to look after yorself, if that means a bit of makeup, losing some weight, whatever, thats what you need to do, make your self feel better about yourself.



> he seemed like he wanted to hug me but we didn't, I wish I could read him!


He probably can't read himself, what hope do you have 



> He's gone from saying he'd be open to going out on a date with me later on, to no I don't ever see anything happening in a space of a few days


 See above, he doesn't know where his head is.



> Is there someone else? Is he confused? Is he just pushing me away so it's easier for him to work out what he wants? ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHH


See above.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> I asked him " don't you have the desire to be intimate with me ?" he said plain "no" ...4 weeks ago he told me his sex drive is really low...i wonder if its because he want it to be low so he wouldn't want me...


male menopause perhaps ?
Depressed ?



> I've said it before but we had a great sex life,we've always talked about how lucky we are to have that after 10 years of marriage....i just don't get it....i don't understand....
> AmI...i do believe that they struggle because the want to push us away and it's hard for them,that is why they try to "hate "us , try to tell themselves that they are better off without us...so controversial...i will never ever understand it...i wish we had some insight from someone that woke up from "that "so it could tell us how and why they felt like that....


Some one here recently said the same about my W


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Well my husband is as confused as many of us I think. He came back to see me a week ago and the other night when we did talk on the phone he told me I was pretty and he missed seeing me. He told me he had wanted to kiss me as soon as he got to the door, but I had brushed off his attempt at a hug. It had been the first time we had seen each other since he had told me over the phone that he couldn't do this anymore then proceeded to disappear.
When he was here, HE was the one that couldn't NOT call me. It was total role reversal. I had prepared myself for his return and had told myself not to expect anything. To just go on with life as usual. I was finally at a point where I felt a little better, and somewhat stronger to try and move on without him.
Then he called. Said he had some things of mine he had to return. He showed up and like I said earlier tried to hug me. One of the items he brought back? The dress I used to get married. I thought he had gotten rid of it. He claimed he did when we had a previous conversation. Long story short, he was all over me. It was gradual, he kept rubbing my tummy, he left to go home claiming he forgot something else of mine, and I walked him to the door and he hugged me, and then he kissed me. He returned and it was late, I was tired, but then he wanted to watch a movie, got close and kissed me again. He came over several nights during the week he was here. He would say he couldn't come over, and I was like, fine, because I never asked for him to come over anyway. But then a few minutes later, he would call back and say he needed to come over to talk about baby things or something. Then, the night before he was to leave, he calls at 12:30a. I was awake as I have had an insomnia issue for a while, doc thinks its due to stress. But he calls to say he's coming over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

(had to split the post as my phone only allows so many characters)
And when he gets here, he's so intimately close, in a sweet way. Not in a I Want Sex Now way, though. He wanted closeness, cuddled and nuzzled. He said "I love you". 
The next few days following, he had left, gone back to his home and the phone calls slowly dwindled. Then no emails, or calls, or texts entirely. 
And contrary to popular belief, I do give him space. I don't chronically call or text or email. I did tell him while he was here that I can't just go everyday without hearing from him at least once or twice. When we first started our long distance relationship, emails really were sufficient and when we could we'd talk once a day. But all of that is different. He seems highly guarded now, especially when sending emails. Its like super short and straight forward. He never discloses any info about how his day went or what he did, but if we're talking he'll drill me about what I did, where I went, who I saw, how come and all kinds. 
So yeah needless to say, Im dumbfounded already. Idk whats going on.
Am I wasting my time?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

> Am I wasting my time?


don't we all want to know that..

I'm at complete loss.... I've never read so many horrible stories of spouses leaving like that...out of the blue...just because....

3 months ago i had no idea that there could so much pain in a relationship...i have never experienced anything like it nor I've ever heard of it from close family or friends...
I can not believe how many women and man loose their mind and forget decades of their lives in a second...they just dispose everything and move on without having a single regret or sense of guilt...i'm just amazed and would gladly study psychiatry if i could because i'm so puzzled with that kind of behavior...


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

I would be ticked at that. To go like he is looking to make it better only to back off... devil's advocate here... Did you continue to brush him off in a way that HE got frustrated and did not want to take a risk on something you did not seem to want? 

OK I don't really buy that, but hey, gotta put it all out there right?


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

woodstock said:


> I would be ticked at that. To go like he is looking to make it better only to back off... devil's advocate here... Did you continue to brush him off in a way that HE got frustrated and did not want to take a risk on something you did not seem to want?
> 
> OK I don't really buy that, but hey, gotta put it all out there right?


No, just the initial hug I backed off from, because you know, I felt like he had left me and I didn't quite know where things stood with us. But we talked and after the second time when his hug was successful, not to mention he kissed me, I agreed with him that we could try and give it a second chance to see where things went. 
The thing with my husband is he is trying to break out in the film industry and he had just wrapped the pilot season of Off the Map. With his busy schedule, I DON'T expect him to be able to call or text a whole lot. And really, I got three kids here, Im trying to take care of. I have a full time job and Im a full time mom, so I don't have a lot of time to spare either. Soon I'll be a full time student too. This is why we live separate, because our lives were going in different directions for now, and I need to be close to family as we will be having a new baby soon, and he needs to be in the city where there is film work for him. Before we got married we agreed that we respected that about each other and that we would still try to make it work. He was my biggest supporter in my endeavors. We are both really busy people. We have a side photography/videography business together, we're both in the same band, and we are also both writers. Im trying to work on my first book and he is trying to work on his screenwrite. But now it seems a phone call or text or an email is too hard to keep up with. Idk when/where things changed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Men are weird


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

woodstock said:


> Men are weird


Lol - Not all, just the majority, jk. They probably think the same things about us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Sakaye said:


> Lol - Not all, just the majority, jk. They probably think the same things about us.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ya, but at least I am not trying to pretend to be normal HAAAA


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I wa snormal once and then this love thing got me all messed up...


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Well, whatever I am now, Im messed up. But I yhink that IS normal, but not very helpful in everyday life
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

DjF said:


> I wa snormal once and then this love thing got me all messed up...


:slap: I forgot... THAT"s what made me so stupid, and here I thought it was my youth mis-spent toking up every day HAAAAAA Need an emoticon that says "This is your brain on LOVE" HAAAAA WAY worse that drugs..... WAY WORSE!!!! HAAAAA


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

So this morning I get an email from my husband talking about his day yesterday etc, a totally casual email that includes questions like "How are you feeling?" "How are things at home, and how's our son doing?" and at the very end is a big . . . "LOVE YOU!"

So now, Im thrown for a loop once again.

Generally, as of late, his emails don't really ask anything about me, or the baby, or anything. He mostly had been talking of himself, his needs, etc. So this email is somewhat of an out of the blue surprise. 
But, maybe he's feeling me detach? I haven't called, emailed, or texted in a few days. I just started to feel like I was sending my msgs to cyber never nevr land, since I never got any responses. And already now, I see I have one more email from him that just popped up. Wow. What in the world? . . .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Sakaye...that's good...i'm sure it feels good and I envy you for that..don't know if it's right for you but it's good thing that he is asking and is different from before ...keep your guard up though...you need to see a consistency before you let him back in..


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Totally Vivea,
He's as wishy washy as my washing machine! I decided to respond and whattaya know? No responses whatsoever. I don't think I'll ever understand him at all. His actions will confuse me to no end. And its not because he's working, cause he has no work right now. Says so in his email lol. I'm so over it. Ive made alternate plans to stay elsewhere when its time for me to have the baby. If any of you recall, my small town doesn't have a hospital equipped for childbirth, so I gotta go to the city. I just don't want to deal with him and his flip floppy emotions. Im already lacking energy as it is. ugh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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