# WTF is my wife doing anyone help



## tja0088 (Apr 29, 2010)

I will make a long story as short as i can. the w n i been married almost 2 yrs have an 18 mo old baby. my w is from australia i moved over there for here and the baby was born there. we moved back here bot a yr ago cuz i couldnt get good work there she didnt want to move here at all but she did it 4 me. 

well she got really depressed here for a while than started making friends and got happier. she started going out partying alot wich i was ok wit she is 26 n i am 32 i still like to go out a bit. any way she always had alot of guy friends then she made friends with her personal trainer i always suspected the relationship. they went out one night got wasted and she didnt come home till the morning she said she got so drunk she just passed out. she said they stayed at a girls house they were with but i found out they stayed at his place. she swears nothing happend. their "friendship" ended in a big fight.

then on another night she went out with her girl friend she got drunk and wouldnt come home she went to her girl friends house and came home with a massive hickey on her neck and told me her friend was into girls and tryed to hook up with her.

then now she met a friend at the bars again and stayed out 5 nights wo coming home i caught messages and emails that they were into eachother and loved each other. this guy is married wit 3 kids i met him and talked to his wife they claim nothing physical ever happend. this relationship went on 4 4 weeks till the **** hit the fan and me and his wife found out. she lied about evrything made excuses to go out. i need my space all that stuff. 

i know it looks like i am a pushover but im not when tell her no about anything she goes phsyco n i just got sick of it and gave up. i not stupid i new evry time she lied and i call her out on it then she gets even more pissed off at me. she swears she has never cheated on me i dont belive it.is there any chance she is telling the truth?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No.


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## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

It's kind of hard to believe her when she lies over and over again. You caught her lie once, so I don't believe that that was her first lie. Can you do something to prove her lying to you?


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## tja0088 (Apr 29, 2010)

i have proven every lie she has told except that she has physicaly cheated she will deny evrything.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

TJA, emotionally healthy people do not behave that way. It sounds to me like she has a serious personality disorder which she had successfully hidden from you earlier. If you are serious about wanting to understand "what your W is doing," I suggest you start with the article at
How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves - Roger Melton, M.A. . It is a good description of what it is like to be in a relationship with a woman suffering from BPD. If the behavior described there sounds very familiar to you, I will be happy to discuss it with you and provide links to more information. My exW is a BPD sufferer.


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

If she wants to go out. It needs to be with you. Bottom line. And when the guilty are close to getting caught... DENY DENY DENY... Even if you have more evidence she will still manipulate it. 

It is your duty to protect your marriage. You cannot be a push over. You need to stand your ground.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The FIRST thing you have to do is to say "I cannot allow my wife to continue to do the things you are doing. If you have to do them, you will have to leave and do it as a single person. But the baby will stay with me, and no court will agree to let you keep the baby given the actions you are doing. So either get over it and become a wife and mother again, or leave."


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

turnera said:


> The FIRST thing you have to do is to say "I cannot allow my wife to continue to do the things you are doing. If you have to do them, you will have to leave and do it as a single person. But the baby will stay with me, and no court will agree to let you keep the baby given the actions you are doing. So either get over it and become a wife and mother again, or leave."


While I agree with the first part I guess I disagree with "no court will agree to let you keep the baby given the actions you are doing." unless it is just to be used as an idle threat in hopes of scaring her.

In general, I find the courts lean extremely hard toward the mother unless there is physical abuse. The mother could be a crack addicted prostitute and if she agrees to 'treatment' for the crack she will often get primary custody. I've even seen it where she abandons the kids with the father and then returns years later and courts give her primary. I'm not saying I know all cases and I'm not saying it doesn't go the other way sometimes. I just don't like making idle threats myself and wanted tja to know that statement wasn't really a given type of thing in case he read it like I did.

Also while it essentially means the same action ... "I can't allow my wife ... " begs for somebody to shout CONTROLLING, while "I cannot be married to a woman that ..." tells what you are going to do, not what she has to do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I know that, you know that, but at this point, you have to shock her system. You have to appear to play hardball with her. That's what women typically need to burst their fantasy bubble.

I'm sure he will say it any way he needs to to get the point across.


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## tja0088 (Apr 29, 2010)

How do I make her admit that she has cheated. She admited to lying about everything else but denys ever getting physical with anyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's when you install a keylogger on her computer and get the phone/text records for her phone. You have to have evidence.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

> How do I make her admit that she has cheated. She admited to lying about everything else but denys ever getting physical with anyone.


You don't. Even if she DIDN'T get physical with anyone, the things that she is doing are unacceptable and wrong. Not coming home for 5 DAYS!! with a baby at home, that's as bad a betrayal as if she'd snuck in a quickly one afternoon. She has abandoned you and her child emotionally and (for short periods of time) physically. She's irresponsible and immature.

If it were me, I'd leave and fight for custody of the child (document her current behavior). If that's not what you want, then I would let her know "I'm going into counseling to figure out what I want to do about this marriage and how to make my life better." Then go figure it out.

And, if you really want an opinion on it, I don't buy it for a second that she didn't get physical with anyone. That's hogwash on her part.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

tja0088 said:


> How do I make her admit that she has cheated. She admited to lying about everything else but denys ever getting physical with anyone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you kidding me? 

You do not need her to admit she was cheating. She never will. PERIOD. Does anyone on this site see her story changing? Not me. This saga is over in her eyes. The more you bring it up the more YOU are pushing HER away. She's over it. YOU need to move on.

Cay you live FOREVER with that? The official story that she's innocent and you're wrong? You're the insecure bad guy? Didn't think so.

"Sorry honey. You were unfaithful in our marriage and it's OVER. If you want to start fixing it, fine. Fess up and we'll start fixing it. Anything other than that and you are a lying ***** and we will never be close again. Your choice."


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## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

I aggree with cody. We have to realize that it's rare that people who cheat will admit that they are cheating. They will more likely deny it. You don't need her to admit it because you know for sure that she is cheated on you. 

You should be firm with her. I am sure you don't deserve to be threated the way she treated you. she doesn't respect you as her husband. Tell her what option she has. D


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's why you expose. They will rarely admit it, until you have proof and SHARE it with the people in her life who matter most. THEN, she will realize the damage she's doing (hopefully), and question her actions. And hopefully realize true humility and sorrow. It's not guaranteed, but NOT exposing will almost NEVER get you back your wife. (if you want her)


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## Walker (Apr 29, 2010)

Women will deny anything and everything, even when you have proof sometimes. 

She's obviously cheated on you. Even if it wasn't physical, would she be OK about it if the shoes were swapped???


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

If she told you she did get physical what would you do? Would you leave the marriage or want to re-build? I would assume the worst and go from there. The bottom line is she is behaving as if she is single vs. wife/mother & IMO all of the lies alone are enough to say 'we need to make some big changes in our marriage at this point'



Walker said:


> Women will deny anything and everything, even when you have proof sometimes.


Careful with the gender based generalization. This is more a trait of cheaters in general, men or women.


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