# Which is worse?



## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Depending on who you ask and based on reading some of the posts on this forum, I am wondering which is worse, a physical (sexual) affair or an emotional affair? I would say an emotional affair is more destructive, because a physical affair could be thought of as "just sex." However, I have read many posts here where people say, "it was only an emotional affair," so what gives? 

I wonder if men and women feel differently about each type of affair, i.e men can more easily forgive an emotional affair their spouse had than women can. I don't like to make generalizations, but I'm just wondering what the consensus is. 

Obviously both types of affairs are extremely destructive to marriages and one might lead to the other--usually an emotional affair leads to a physical one. But which one is worse, or is there a difference?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I would say that the physical is bad and emotional and if you do something physical there is always some level of emotion involved right? I mean I think that all these kids saying that a kiss is worst then sex are high in the night thinking that they can go off and do whomever but as long as they dont kiss it is meaningless WHATEVER you know that is very personal VERY if my H did that wow I would wow.


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## kate_spencer (Feb 20, 2009)

I think like you said and I agree with you.. emotional affair is more destructive that physical affair.
Physical affair is only for short term.. well could only be one night stand, but still.. it's unforgivable. 
Emotional affair on the other hand I guess is long term.. it could only start as a friendship but could lead to physical too.. especially when the other took advantage of the other.
As a sum.. they're both destructive.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Very and well it does take two no matter what I noticed that my ex BFF tried to make it seem like it wasnt her blah blah whatever it takes two NOT ONE.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

COFLgirl said:


> i.e men can more easily forgive an emotional affair their spouse had than women can. I don't like to make generalizations, but I'm just wondering what the consensus is.


You've hit it on the head for this man. My marriage has survived an EA but is still damaged. If it had been physical I doubt I could have done what was needed to keep it a float. I'm betting I would have walked. Generalizing for my gender I think most men would say the same.

Don't forget the double wammy in affairs. Both physical and emotional. That's snake bite.


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> You've hit it on the head for this man. My marriage has survived an EA but is still damaged. If it had been physical I doubt I could have done what was needed to keep it a float. I'm betting I would have walked. Generalizing for my gender I think most men would say the same.
> 
> Don't forget the double wammy in affairs. Both physical and emotional. That's snake bite.


This is interesting, Amplexor. Like I said, I don't like to make generalizations based on gender but as a woman, I think just the opposite is true for me. I am still recovering from my husband's ONS-type of affair. He was NOT emotionally involved with this woman which is good because I am not sure I could have handled him telling me that he was in love with her. I would have found it difficult, if not impossible, to stay in a marriage where my husband had to "fall out of love" with another person before he could really work on our marriage. The physical affair was bad enough, but maybe in time the mental images will fade. But, if I thought that my husband had those types of feelings for someone else that he should have had for me-no way! 

I agree with you though that both types together are "snake bite" and deadly poison for most marriages. Like I said, unfortunately the EA often leads to the PA.


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

I think the man/woman difference is probably true in general (men have a harder time forgiving a PA, women a harder time forgiving an EA) but I must say this: I never thought my husband would have any kind of affair at all, and had you asked me this last year, I would probably have said I would never be able to fogive him and continue the marriage.....

Very hard to speak with any assurance about something until it actually happens to you, wouldn't you agree?


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

blindsided said:


> I think the man/woman difference is probably true in general (men have a harder time forgiving a PA, women a harder time forgiving an EA) but I must say this: I never thought my husband would have any kind of affair at all, and had you asked me this last year, I would probably have said I would never be able to fogive him and continue the marriage.....
> 
> 
> 
> Very hard to speak with any assurance about something until it actually happens to you, wouldn't you agree?


I would have said the exact same thing a year ago and yes, I would agree 100%. This is something that you don't know how you would handle it until you actually have to experience it. But speaking from that unfortunate experience now, I would still have to say I'm not sure I could have handled my husband being in love with someone else and betraying me that way. One of the first questions I asked my husband when he confessed everything to me was, "do you love this person?" I was/am so thankful that he was able to tell me "no."


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## Dark Matter (Mar 1, 2009)

COFLgirl said:


> Depending on who you ask and based on reading some of the posts on this forum, I am wondering which is worse, a physical (sexual) affair or an emotional affair? I would say an emotional affair is more destructive, because a physical affair could be thought of as "just sex." However, I have read many posts here where people say, "it was only an emotional affair," so what gives?
> 
> I wonder if men and women feel differently about each type of affair, i.e men can more easily forgive an emotional affair their spouse had than women can. I don't like to make generalizations, but I'm just wondering what the consensus is.
> 
> Obviously both types of affairs are extremely destructive to marriages and one might lead to the other--usually an emotional affair leads to a physical one. But which one is worse, or is there a difference?


Physical affairs are a white hot flame that egnites both parties and often settles down to a worm glow if you are happy to wate for the next encounter then hope for the flame to flare again for you both because if it dosent lead int something, this one typicly is set aside.
I believe its easer to forgive because it was based on hormones and scents and signals give of by both. So you know it was just sex and the marrage is doable.

Emotionl is deep and long. This tends to spark up and grow ever slowly while you get more of a chance to fall in love with the person. This is more of a slow burning flame that worms you every fiber with needing a large amount of kindling. They tend to last longer and thir roots have taken a deep grip in one and others herts. This is much much harder to forger.

And they can both lead into one and other causing more distance between the ones living with the knowledge.

Its bette to let it go if you really can or it will alway wait for the most inappropriate moment to arise.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

To me a physical affair is much worse. I know that doesn't make sense .... but can't fight with my heat its the way I feel but both to me constitue having an affair. In my case, its worse since he had both (same affair) he claimed it was physical only but I doubt he's being truthful..


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

My ex left me for her EA...and you know, it's all good because I've met someone that makes me feel like I'm really in love this time so I think that my ex and her guy did me a favor...

I've always been cheated on, the last time it started as an EA so to me, they are the most damaging but neither are forgivable IMHO.

Blessed Be, 
Preacher


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## DB in PA (Feb 25, 2009)

Good question. From my own painfull experience, The Emotional affair is worse. It is a betrayal of the core values that a husband and wife should share. We depend on our partner for everything. They should be the only person whom we can trust with every aspect of our lives. We depend on them for support, communication, affection, the whole package.
When the emotional affair starts, the core values become lost. The cheater does not care to hear the intimate details of their partners life. They do not share theirs. They do not have anything to talk to their partner about because they have already shared those intimate details with the emotional lover. They become distant in the relationship. The physical things that keep the relationship together are still ther, but the intimate things are not.
This is the begining of the end. As humans, we need and want. After this intimate affair goes on, talk and mental intamacy are not enough...there is a need for more, thus the physical relationship evolves from that.
This is worse, because there is now an "intense emotional attachement" which is much harder, and quite posibly harder to break. A physical affair that is just intense sex, without the emotion is just that. Without the intamacy, it's just sex, and just about anyone can find or get that easily if they want. 
The emotional type of affair is much harder to find, because there needs to be a Mental connection.
I have been dealing with an emotional affair that my wife has had from years agoi. Each time I have confronted her with the facts, the lies to cover it becomae more detailed and intense. When confronting the emotional affair( I feel) that there is a extream defense to protect the other part of it.
Right now I have found yet another hard evidence that my wife is still in this affair. It's like an addiction. When caught and confronted, she stops for a while, but goes back. I have even contacted this other person to try and stop it. The lies that nothing more than friends keep comming out.
BUT, when you find naked photos that he has sent to her, and when you even find a map to go to his place, you know there is much more. I am beside myself as to how to handle this this time.
The emotional affair will prevent the partner from being able to work on the marriage, due to the obsesion of thinking that life with the other would be better.
Sorry I wrote a book, but this is a very sensative issue for me. I posted a message on long distance affir a few days ago, and I am having an extream time dealing with this.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I wonder if we are mixing up terms a bit with this question.

Someone cheating by having sexual relations == physical affair.

Someone cheating by becoming romantically involved without sex == emotional affair.

Someone cheating by having sexual relations once == one night stand.

=======

To me, the two types of affairs, physical and emotional are not mutually exclusive, especially if the cheater is repeating the sex over and over with some other person.

And this is the worst case of all.


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

I agree that they are not always mutually exclusive, the PA and EA, especially if the cheater is having sex over and over with the same person. There has to be some type of emotional connection or interest there for the physical part to keep happening. It might not be "love" in some cases, but it is some type of emotional need.

One night stands are still physical infidelities though. But, are they as detrimental as repeated physical infidelities or emotional affairs? I guess it depends on who ask and that was the reason for my post!

I agree with the DBinPA who says that an emotional affair is worse because it threatens that bond between husband and wife.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

You know I was really thinking about all this and I remember when it all came out with me and my H. I was asking him over and over if he had feelings for her more so then the kiss I think that was more damaging if he had feelings for another women it would kill me. More so then him kissing her. The first time they kissed or she kissed him he cried he felt so bad then he provocet the second one so that made me all crazy like you like her OMG. But I dont think so if he liked her it would have went on and he would have left me. But you guys are right emotional is hard.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Man, this one is tough, I think some above have it right, at least for generally speaking, as a man.

While if my wife had an EA it would drive me nuts, I really think we'd be able to work through it and "fix" things.

If my wife had a PA, even though I'm not a jealous man, it would KILL me, I really don't believe I'd be able to reconcile knowing that another man was inside her. 

Now, I might try really hard if the kids were still at home, but if it was sometime after the kids were out of the house I would probably leave immediately.

Of course, I say that now but we never really know how we will react in that situation. I love my wife with all that is in me, so who knows, I might be able to eventually get over both, but definitely the PA would be harder to get over in my eyes.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Ideally I would like to be with a man who would do neither. I know my ex had an emotional affair with a co-worker. It was like a knife to the chest when I realized I was out she was in. I couldn't do anything right at all. It was VERY heartbreaking and hurtful. When someone gets into your partner's head and screws with your relationship is awful. Slowly being replaced in someone's life that you once loved. Don't ever want to feel that again. Then again knowing the person you loved was physically intimate with someone makes you want to puke too. I guess their both bad. Once in awhile I get that image in my head of the ex as we've been separated for 5 months now. He's probably already sowed some oats with skanky bar ****s. Oh well, my only consilation is knowing he's probably thinking the same thing about me. HA HA:smthumbup:


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

1nurse said:


> Oh well, my only consilation is knowing he's probably thinking the same thing about me. HA HA:smthumbup:


And have you?


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Hey Twain,

In answer to your question, I have not been with anyone since my husband left. I am not even in the dating frame of mind. I guess I'm just not interested. It will take some time to work through things emotionally. Never have been a one night stand kind of girl. I have never slept with anyone I haven't had either intense feelings for or loved. I guess I'm lame and old fashioned.  Besides until we get the divorce I 'm technically still married. It just doesn't feel right.


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## BrokenTrust (Mar 8, 2009)

A recent Emoitional Affair on the part of my wife has been devastating for me.Can't speak for a Sexual Affair, as far I know.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

1nurse said:


> Hey Twain,
> 
> In answer to your question, I have not been with anyone since my husband left. I am not even in the dating frame of mind. I guess I'm just not interested. It will take some time to work through things emotionally. Never have been a one night stand kind of girl. I have never slept with anyone I haven't had either intense feelings for or loved. I guess I'm lame and old fashioned.  Besides until we get the divorce I 'm technically still married. It just doesn't feel right.


Well here's to to you getting back on the horse 
"Giddy up pardner"!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

An Emotional Affair seeps into your marriage and erodes the foundation.

A Physical Affair hits your marriage like a flood and washes away the foundation.

Both can cause irreparable damage. Both involve manipulation, deceit, and betrayal - traits that aren't going to go on anybody's short-list for a healthy marriage.

I think that there can be a level of self-denial within an emotional affair on the cheater's part that they aren't _really_ cheating. There isn't a lot of wiggle room about what's going on when you're rolling around in bed with someone other than your spouse.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

well I am sorry but with all emotional affairs comes into play with atleast kissing right maybe not full on sex but something like that.


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