# Kenji's journey



## Ikaika

Parallel to my blog in the LTSiM forum "Mr & Mrs Drerio Journey". This focuses primarily on our struggles, disappointments and successes in raising our son with Autism. 

I know there are a number of members who share this same struggle, I invite you to tag along and tell us about your ASD child/young adult. My hope is not just to raise awareness but maybe to help others on their blessed journey as well (whether they openly share or just lurk). 

Kenji (my oldest son)
Actual Age - 14
Diagnosed 3.5 years of age
He is verbal with higher expressive than receptive skills (this is due to his processing time)
His emotional and behavioral age is 2
His intellectual age is about 7

He is currently a Freshman in HS and we have him on a diploma track. All previous years of schooling were spent either exclusively or partially in a full self-contained classroom. 

This is our Journey, this is his journey as well.


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## Ikaika

I have shared this before on my marriage blog journey.

My son made this self portrait of himself as an assignment in an Art Class in the 8th Grade. He hates it. I can hardly ever take a picture of him. He hates seeing pictures of himself or hearing his voice on recording. 

My "blessed" son


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## Anon Pink

my nephew is nonverbal but highly receptive. He is 15 but not on a diploma track due to his reading skills. he makes constant noises that sound like a baby's babble having a conversation. I tell him all the time I don't understand what he trying to say but I know he understands me and how I wish for the day when he can unlock what's happening and tell us all the amazing things on his mind.

Feel your pain Drerio but not as a parent. That's a special pain that I can only glimpse and am lucky to be able to turn away from when it gets too real.

I've said this before, your sons's art work is just incredible! I hope he continues to find ways to express himself.


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## CharlieParker

Is he also a drummer?


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## Ikaika

CharlieParker said:


> Is he also a drummer?


younger son (non-ASD child) is the drummer. It is easy to get them confused


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## Ikaika

Anon Pink said:


> my nephew is nonverbal but highly receptive. He is 15 but not on a diploma track due to his reading skills. he makes constant noises that sound like a baby's babble having a conversation. I tell him all the time I don't understand what he trying to say but I know he understands me and how I wish for the day when he can unlock what's happening and tell us all the amazing things on his mind.
> 
> Feel your pain Drerio but not as a parent. That's a special pain that I can only glimpse and am lucky to be able to turn away from when it gets too real.
> 
> I've said this before, your sons's art work is just incredible! I hope he continues to find ways to express himself.


thank you Anon P for your thoughts. I think more of my pain and worry has so much to do about my son's future. As long as he is a minor and or living with us, I can do as much as I can to buffer him from the world. This may not even be the healthiest approach for us or him, to coddle him, we resist doing this but not always easy. 

One thing I have even considered doing (taking it more seriously as my son gets older) is to retire early and start up a non-profit organization (locally only) that would target individuals like my son. The organization would partner with local business to find some form of employment for these individuals (jobs that would otherwise not pay very much but could be of service to any company). The business would then contribute some level of money to the organization (tax write off) as well as support through grants and donations. In return the individuals enrolled in the program would be provided room and board (cafeteria style eating) in a semi-independent living arrangement, similar to some form of dorm living (maybe a little higher level given its permanency). And, I would try to get some service support from a State agency to have weekly or bimonthly visits from paraprofessionals. These visits these would check to see that the residents are able to meet other basic needs not supplied by the program (they would get a stipend), buying clothes, etc. Make sure they are ok and maybe even be a friend on occasion, take them on outings over the weekend or when they have off.


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## Anon Pink

drerio said:


> thank you Anon P for your thoughts. I think more of my pain and worry has so much to do about my son's future. As long as he is a minor and or living with us, I can do as much as I can to buffer him from the world. This may not even be the healthiest approach for us or him, to coddle him, we resist doing this but not always easy.
> 
> One thing I have even considered doing (taking it more seriously as my son gets older) is to retire early and start up a non-profit organization (locally only) that would target individuals like my son. The organization would partner with local business to find some form of employment for these individuals (jobs that would otherwise not pay very much but could be of service to any company). The business would then contribute some level of money to the organization (tax write off) as well as support through grants and donations. In return the individuals enrolled in the program would be provided room and board (cafeteria style eating) in a semi-independent living arrangement, similar to some form of dorm living (maybe a little higher level given its permanency). And, I would try to get some service support from a State agency to have weekly or bimonthly visits from paraprofessionals. These visits these would check to see that the residents are able to meet other basic needs not supplied by the program (they would get a stipend), buying clothes, etc. Make sure they are ok and maybe even be a friend on occasion, take them on outings over the weekend or when they have off.


I love this idea!

dept of rehab, you local agency, may have a similar program already going. Also, UPS is a company that partners with local agencies to offer appropriate employment and they offer job coaching, although I don't know specifics, nor what would be available where your area.

As your son gets settled into school, at some point soon, his IEP should be addressing next step potentials. You and your wife will need lots of time to check out what's available and prepare both of you. There are so many kids with ASD there are new programs happening all the time.

My nephew attended a one week sleepover camp this summer. The camper ratio one counselor for two kids. It was specifically for ASD kids. My nephew had a blast, we know this because when asked, before they left go home, if he wanted to come back again, he enthusiastically nodded and babbled very loudly! This was a scary thing to leave a nonverbal child for a week camp. So they were thrilled with his enthusiastic response.


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## Ikaika

Anon Pink said:


> I love this idea!
> 
> *dept of rehab, you local agency, may have a similar program already going*. Also, UPS is a company that partners with local agencies to offer appropriate employment and they offer job coaching, although I don't know specifics, nor what would be available where your area.
> 
> As your son gets settled into school, at some point soon, his IEP should be addressing next step potentials. You and your wife will need lots of time to check out what's available and prepare both of you. There are so many kids with ASD there are new programs happening all the time.
> 
> My nephew attended a one week sleepover camp this summer. The camper ratio one counselor for two kids. It was specifically for ASD kids. My nephew had a blast, we know this because when asked, before they left go home, if he wanted to come back again, he enthusiastically nodded and babbled very loudly! This was a scary thing to leave a nonverbal child for a week camp. So they were thrilled with his enthusiastic response.


Thank you... some agencies do have a program, but very limited in scope to what I would propose. I think it is one thing to suggest you are going to support gainful employment for those with special needs to suggest that you will help them will all levels of life skills, work, home, social, etc. It is the latter that I want to do. I know it is a big undertaking and I can't even suggest that I will be successful at doing it but it is something my "heart" is telling me to do. 

Our dept. of Health does have a very limited program, but as you know every State budget is strapped and cannot provide much. I would like to use the State agencies as a partner. 

Well, we will see. It is still a seed and I have not ever tilled the soil for planting.


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## Anon Pink

I wish there were more services available too. I have another nephew with CP who is also nonverbal due to coordination of those muscles involved. My husbands sister. He is wheelchair bound and was unable to continue his volunteer job at a museum in the city due to mobility bud cut backs. He is 22 and spends his days at home now.

I hope you can turn this dream into a reality, then it can be duplicated all across the US.


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## mablenc

Anon Pink said:


> my nephew is nonverbal but highly receptive. He is 15 but not on a diploma track due to his reading skills. he makes constant noises that sound like a baby's babble having a conversation. I tell him all the time I don't understand what he trying to say but I know he understands me and how I wish for the day when he can unlock what's happening and tell us all the amazing things on his mind.
> 
> Feel your pain Drerio but not as a parent. That's a special pain that I can only glimpse and am lucky to be able to turn away from when it gets too real.
> 
> I've said this before, your sons's art work is just incredible! I hope he continues to find ways to express himself.


You should research "Carly's voice" If you haven't already.
Carlys Voice | Changing the world of Autism


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## mablenc

Drerio, you are an amazing parent. He's very lucky to have you.


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## Ikaika

mablenc said:


> Drerio, you are an amazing parent. He's very lucky to have you.


thank you, however I feel more like a failure (I know it is unfounded but I often just feel like I failed him somewhere), but I will not let that keep from moving forward.


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## Anon Pink

mablenc said:


> You should research "Carly's voice" If you haven't already.
> Carlys Voice | Changing the world of Autism


We saw the news reports and read articles about her story. That what's has prompted me to continue to tell my nephew that I know he's in there and we need to find a way for him to communicate to us. Like Carly, who resisted and resisted learning to type, my nephew resists. It's also very difficult to test his reading because his attention span is seconds, not minutes. My brother and his wife a very strong advocates and if there is a way to tap into him, they will find it I have no doubt.

Parents of special needs kids are super heroes!


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## Bellavista

Drerio, it a struggle at times. You really seem to be doing well with your son, and his art is amazing.

One of the issues we have with our aspie son, nearly 25, is that to an outsider he appears normal and functional, except that he looks past people or in the air when he talks to them, and he moves around a lot. This means that no-one really understands the struggle that it is to deal with a grown son who has the emotional & social maturity of a 12 yo, and sometimes I think, the decision making capability of a primary school student.

He also has no ability to link current actions with future outcomes. This leads him down all kinds of bad paths, and he also makes poor choices in his friends.

What we realised as he got older, towards teens, was that he thought he could say 'please' and get whatever he wanted. This came from when he was a toddler and if he asked for something, we would either say 'no' straight up, or say 'say please M'. He then equated in his brain that saying please meant he could have what he asked for. Once something is in his brain, it cannot be removed easily.

He has a photographic memory and an insatiable desire for information. He is lazy and unmotivated, and I can see him living at home with us forever as I don't see him ever being able to function in a full time job.


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## Anon Pink

drerio said:


> thank you, however I feel more like a failure (I know it is unfounded but I often just feel like I failed him somewhere), but I will not let that keep from moving forward.


Youre not a failure! You know where that failure feeling comes from. Own that that feeling doesn't reflect reality. Own that that feeling comes from somewhere else, not your parenting skills, not your genetic contribution. Work on cutting yourself some slack and you work on your dream non profit!


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## Ikaika

Generally speaking a classic behavior of the ASD individual is to seek some sort of repetitive stimulation. There is an assumption that this feeds the reward system in their brain (although I have not seen substantiative research to suggest it). Often times this stim (as it is referred to) involves a proprioceptive motions, that is stimulation at a joint or muscle. The characteristic hand flap or sometimes a winding arms, etc. But because this is a spectral disorder, it can also border on trying to get cutaneous stimulation, like head banging. I have never heard of anyone characterizing this later one as associated with a reward system. Some of these can almost be seen as involuntary tics similar to those seen in Tourette Syndrome. Although the verbal tic seen in Tourette is a little different in ASD individuals. In this latter group, the verbal "tic" is often referred to as echolalia, where the person repeats a phrase or a word over and over and over. Something he or she heard - reward behavior. 

This can be particularly tough on an ASD individual because it is thought to be associated with reward, it is hard to automatically suggest that such behavior should be extinguished through therapy. In the early days, we were told to work on those behaviors and I believe the schools tried to do the same. But, imagine you could not get any reward for a job well done (school work). In time your frustration may build up. And, since most of them do not have coping skills to deal with this frustration it is hypothesized that some outburst and meltdowns may be associated with trying to extinguish these stims and the like. 

Of course, it also shines a bright light upon the oddity of these individuals. My son will at times skip throughout the house repeating word for word some video game review he heard on Youtube. And, even if the review was 30 minutes long he could repeat it word for word after hearing it only once. It would not make any difference if only family were home or someone came over to visit. He would conduct this activity without any sense of understanding social norms. This would happen in place of stopping for the normal greeting. 

Some Autistic kids have muscle weakness along with this strong desire to stim their proprioceptive sensory system. 

On thing we have found that really helps reward our son while trying to extinguish these odd behaviors, have him get on a regular "diet" of lifting weights. This puts a lot of stimulation on their joints while also building muscle. We have only been at this less than a month, and already we have seen some improvements in reducing some of his "socially unacceptable" stim patterns and even helping to reduce some of his outburst. It has not eliminated everything and we are sober enough to understand it may never, but it seems to be a good fit for him at the moment. 

It fits well with our lifestyle of trying remain active ourselves (fitness wise).


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## Ikaika

As another added benefit, it gives me some quality time to spend with my oldest son as we workout. Granted he may not reciprocate in conversation like your typical person might, but somewhere in there I always hope I am connecting with him.


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## Anon Pink

That's encouraging about the muscle building program. My nephew just started weight lifting and I never did hear what prompted this. It's amazing what is bing learned about the brain!


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## Ikaika

So moments of neurotypical response 

My wife normally has to wake my son up to get ready for school (pretty typical for a teenager). He gets up and stretches my wife makes the comment to Kenji, "wow, I can see some muscles (from working out with dad)" He smiles and yesterday when we were working out, my son makes the comment, "I think I need to add more weight to my workouts" 

When we do leg workouts, he usually comments that it feels good - that proprioceptive feedback.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

That's great that he can see/feel he is progressing with the weight-lifting. I'm sure it is gratifying and, as you pointed out, he gets dad-time alone with you! Win-win!


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## Ikaika

I don't know if this is necessarily an ASD thing however we have some RL friends with an ASD child where it is the case with her. It is just that there is not enough medical/psychological literature on the topic: Sleep

From 1.5 years of age, Kenji stopped taking naps and since that time sleep has been hard for him. Sleep, meaning that he has the hardest time falling asleep. Once asleep, he Ok, but at least twice a week we hear him getting up like 2 or 3am. It of course wakes us up. He says he just can't turn off the images in his brain and does not want to sleep with the mind movies playing in his brain. We have tried several different non-pharmaceutical techniques (even melatonin drops). Still he only gets about 6 -7 hours of sleep as a teenager. I find it alarming but not sure right now what we can do. We have seen psychiatrist about it, and often they give us many of the techniques we have exhausted. We have also been told by the pediatrician that eventually his body (as it goes through more growth spurts) will beg for more sleep, so we are taking a wait and see approach right now.


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## Bellavista

Yes Drerio, sleep is a huge issue for our son. He has been a poor sleeper since he was born.

He now does not sleep more than a couple of hours at a time, despite trying many different cognitive and also medical treatments. He says his brain just does not shut down and he struggles to quieten his mind enough to get to sleep and then just not stay asleep.

It seems Drerio, that there are some trends starting to appear here, maybe there is scope for further research into ASD that you could do.


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## Ikaika

Bellavista said:


> Yes Drerio, sleep is a huge issue for our son. He has been a poor sleeper since he was born.
> 
> He now does not sleep more than a couple of hours at a time, despite trying many different cognitive and also medical treatments. He says his brain just does not shut down and he struggles to quieten his mind enough to get to sleep and then just not stay asleep.
> 
> It seems Drerio, that there are some trends starting to appear here, maybe there is scope for further research into ASD that you could do.


I have looked to see if there is any peer-review research currently looking at ASD and sleep problems. There are some studies, but no real suggestive reason.


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## Coffee Amore

drerio said:


> I don't know if this is necessarily an ASD thing however we have some RL friends with an ASD child where it is the case with her. It is just that there is not enough medical/psychological literature on the topic: Sleep
> 
> From 1.5 years of age, Kenji stopped taking naps and since that time sleep has been hard for him. Sleep, meaning that he has the hardest time falling asleep. Once asleep, he Ok, but at least twice a week we hear him getting up like 2 or 3am. It of course wakes us up. He says he just can't turn off the images in his brain and does not want to sleep with the mind movies playing in his brain. We have tried several different non-pharmaceutical techniques (even melatonin drops). Still he only gets about 6 -7 hours of sleep as a teenager. I find it alarming but not sure right now what we can do. We have seen psychiatrist about it, and often they give us many of the techniques we have exhausted. We have also been told by the pediatrician that eventually his body (as it goes through more growth spurts) will beg for more sleep, so we are taking a wait and see approach right now.


Have you done an overnight or 24-hour EEG to rule out hidden seizures? Perhaps he's not entering REM sleep. An EEG can pick that up too. Just a thought.


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## Ikaika

Coffee Amore said:


> Have you done an overnight or 24-hour EEG to rule out hidden seizures? Perhaps he's not entering REM sleep. An EEG can pick that up too. Just a thought.


We talked about it, but never went through with it. It is getting bad enough to consider it real soon


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## Ikaika

It is not a normal part of anything I have ever heard as it relates to ASD, but my son claims that sometimes he thinks someone is talking to him when no one is around. I fear of course that as with some ASD individuals, it is rarely about just this single syndrome that some do have multiple issues. We are keeping tabs on this one.


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## Ikaika

So we have Kenji enrolled in a diploma track at our local public HS, but I don't believe he will be able to complete it. It started yesterday when in his math class a bell went off. He was startled and it drove his sympathetic nervous system from 0 - 100 in a second. He started to throw a fit and his 1:1 Education Assistant (EA) try to calm him down. This did no seem to help much. She was able to move him outside the classroom but he hit the EA on the arm. As many of you know schools have a zero policy for this stuff. They moved him to the office and called me up. He was able to calm down and apologize. 

Today He was in the library and something set him off, he threw his bag across the room and fell to the ground and begin to hurt himself today against the floor. Security was able to move him to the office but he then started banging his head against the V. Principal's desk saying he wanted to kill himself. I got call, they asked me to take him home for safety reasons. So at 11am I took him home. 

We have a meeting on Monday afternoon. I appears that he will best be served moving back to the fully self contained classroom. I am so depressed. I failed my son. I am a horrible father. I hate myself for not being able to find a way to provide him with the tools to survive.


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## LivingAgain

I'm so sorry to hear of this development, drerio  please don't blame yourself! You are an amazing parent and are doing everything possible to help him...I hope a better solution is found.


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## Bellavista

Drerio, I don't really know how to help, but just remember, none of this is your fault, and you are doing the very best you can with what is available & what you know.

Just because you tried something and it did not work (this time), does not mean you are a failure, it just means you try something a little different and keep on going.

I know it is hard & frustrating. I know what we want is parents to have a magic wand that we can wave & make everything better, but the truth is, we don't, so we work with what we have. Keep seeking information. ((hugs)) to all of your family.

BTW, regarding voices in his head, my son was mistakenly diagnosed with schizophrenia in his late teens due to those voices, but he is not, it seems it is just because of his brain that does not stop. (that is my theory anyway). The anti-psychotic drugs they put him on made him a zombie, and did not help, so he came off them.


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## meson

drerio said:


> So we have Kenji enrolled in a diploma track at our local public HS, but I don't believe he will be able to complete it. It started yesterday when in his math class a bell went off. He was startled and it drove his sympathetic nervous system from 0 - 100 in a second. He started to throw a fit and his 1:1 Education Assistant (EA) try to calm him down. This did no seem to help much. She was able to move him outside the classroom but he hit the EA on the arm. As many of you know schools have a zero policy for this stuff. They moved him to the office and called me up. He was able to calm down and apologize.
> 
> Today He was in the library and something set him off, he threw his bag across the room and fell to the ground and begin to hurt himself today against the floor. Security was able to move him to the office but he then started banging his head against the V. Principal's desk saying he wanted to kill himself. I got call, they asked me to take him home for safety reasons. So at 11am I took him home.
> 
> We have a meeting on Monday afternoon. I appears that he will best be served moving back to the fully self contained classroom. I am so depressed. I failed my son. I am a horrible father. I hate myself for not being able to find a way to provide him with the tools to survive.


Drerio, please do not dispair! You are not a failure. His condition is complex and being so means you need to constantly adjust treatment styles. It sounds to me like it has been too much of a change to an environment with too many things going on. Perhaps a more gradual change is what is needed instead of jumping in the deep end too fast. My nephew has a 7p- chromosome deficiency and his behavior is not easily characterized. Im fact it is not understood like many more common issues. My SIL and BIL have had to learn by trial and error what environment works best for him. Then suddenly it will change and they need to adapt. It's a constant state of evolution. And you know what, that makes sense because we are always changing ourselves.

Be stable, loving and keep looking for what makes your son tick. You will always be surprised but you will learn many things. School administrators want to make things easy when they are not. Be rational and look for the environment that will help him the most and it might not yet be emersion to the the HS program.

Aloha and best wishes!


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## greenpearl

drerio said:


> So we have Kenji enrolled in a diploma track at our local public HS, but I don't believe he will be able to complete it. It started yesterday when in his math class a bell went off. He was startled and it drove his sympathetic nervous system from 0 - 100 in a second. He started to throw a fit and his 1:1 Education Assistant (EA) try to calm him down. This did no seem to help much. She was able to move him outside the classroom but he hit the EA on the arm. As many of you know schools have a zero policy for this stuff. They moved him to the office and called me up. He was able to calm down and apologize.
> 
> Today He was in the library and something set him off, he threw his bag across the room and fell to the ground and begin to hurt himself today against the floor. Security was able to move him to the office but he then started banging his head against the V. Principal's desk saying he wanted to kill himself. I got call, they asked me to take him home for safety reasons. So at 11am I took him home.
> 
> We have a meeting on Monday afternoon. I appears that he will best be served moving back to the fully self contained classroom. I am so depressed. I failed my son. I am a horrible father. I hate myself for not being able to find a way to provide him with the tools to survive.


Drerio,

I really wish I could comfort you! Believe me, I understand this helpless feeling. 

In Chinese culture, us children are taught to look after our parents when they are old. This has been a lot of pain for me ever since my parents became old and sick. I live far away from them, I can give them financial help, but I can't look after them physically. My parents have other children, but they all live far away from them. Whenever I know that they are sick and nobody is at home looking after them, I feel sick. It was really bad a couple of years ago. 

But I have been doing my best to help them. I am just a human, there are a lot of things which are not in my control. My parents have bad personalities, they can't get along with their children and other people, this is not in my control. They are old, sick, and helpless, this is not in my control. There is nothing I can do about these. 

Same thing with you. You have done your best for your son and you are doing your best for your son. But you can only do your best, a lot of things are not in your control. You are just a human. It is a lot of emotional pain you have to endure. You wish you could fix this problem like a miracle, but you just can't. So we do what we are capable of, look after them as much as we can!!! And for the stuff which is not in our control, we accept it as a fact. We are human, there are a lot of things we can't control.


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## mablenc

I finally found your thread, hang in there a few days ago I was telling you about my son getting more aggressive with himself. We upped his GABA dosage and it's been a few days but not one episode. Small victories.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika

mablenc said:


> I finally found your thread, hang in there a few days ago I was telling you about my son getting more aggressive with himself. We upped his GABA dosage and it's been a few days but not one episode. Small victories.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Please do and please share it here. This may be titled Kenji's Journey but I would like to hear other ASD Journeys as well. 

Thank you.


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## Thewife

Hope you are feeling better and your son can stay in the school. Is it a mainstream school? I am teaching a 13 year old with asd and he too had lots of emotional episodes during the transition from elementary to secondary school. He would hit, self harm and throw things. The parents put him on some medication during that period (sorry not sure what medicine was that) slowly he settled in with the help of other professionals. The change was too much for him to handle but now he had learnt to regulate himself in that new environment. I have seen many parents who failed their children with special needs but I am very sure you have not. He is blessed to have you! The very fact that you are looking at solutions say that you are a wonderful father.


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## Coffee Amore

drerio, perhaps there are supplements that may calm Kenji. GABA is one possibility, but there are others that are available OTC.

I know you were interested in possibly setting up a dorm like housing setup in the future for young adults on the spectrum. I thought of you when I read the following article. Hope you find it as interesting as I did.

Faison complex to house young adults with autism - Richmond Times-Dispatch: Health


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## mablenc

Coffee Amore said:


> drerio, perhaps there are supplements that may calm Kenji. GABA is one possibility, but there are others that are available OTC.
> 
> I know you were interested in possibly setting up a dorm like housing setup in the future for young adults on the spectrum. I thought of you when I read the following article. Hope you find it as interesting as I did.
> 
> Faison complex to house young adults with autism - Richmond Times-Dispatch: Health


Lithium also helps with aggression, we have tried RX medications but the sides effects were bad, tics, massive weight loss, irritated eyes, depresion. We have tried a few.

We do have him on vayarin which is a RX high dosage of omegas. 

We have to deal with both autism and ADHD.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc

Have you guys seen the documentaries on medical marijuana for autism? Seems interesting but I'm still on the fence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika

So, yesterday we had a team meeting with the school, teacher, administrators, district autism consultant, his school coordinator. We had him, Kenji, enrolled in a diploma track and hoped it would work but we knew him and knew his limitations. Thought we would at least give it a quarter. Well it has not been going well. The work was stepped up from what he was used to in middle school and elementary school (as it should); the added external stimuli and expected social norms; he has completely fallen apart. We suspected it would be too much. He had 22 incidences of aggression (outward but mostly trying to hurt himself) in the last month alone. I just want to cry. I feel like such a failure as a parent. I wish want to cry. I want to cry. Even though we knew this day would come it still feels like we failed our son. We said nothing to each other (wife and I) last night. He is going to a certificate track starting second quarter. Though I know it is more appropriate for him, I know what it also means for his long-term future. He will be safer there, he will still be given some academics, but the major focus is on eventually job training (low level work). My heart breaks when I think how much hope I had for this precious life. I still remember on occasions when I would rock him back to sleep at 2 am and sing to him. Talking and whispering to him, telling him how much I loved him. How much I wanted the best for him. My heart breaks.


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## Ikaika

mablenc said:


> Have you guys seen the documentaries on medical marijuana for autism? Seems interesting but I'm still on the fence.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have read mixed reviews on the positive effects.


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## Ikaika

Coffee Amore said:


> drerio, perhaps there are supplements that may calm Kenji. GABA is one possibility, but there are others that are available OTC.
> 
> I know you were interested in possibly setting up a dorm like housing setup in the future for young adults on the spectrum. I thought of you when I read the following article. Hope you find it as interesting as I did.
> 
> Faison complex to house young adults with autism - Richmond Times-Dispatch: Health


Thank you for the link


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## RedRose14

drerio said:


> So, yesterday we had a team meeting with the school, teacher, administrators, district autism consultant, his school coordinator. We had him, Kenji, enrolled in a diploma track and hoped it would work but we knew him and knew his limitations. Thought we would at least give it a quarter. Well it has not been going well. The work was stepped up from what he was used to in middle school and elementary school (as it should); the added external stimuli and expected social norms; he has completely fallen apart. We suspected it would be too much. He had 22 incidences of aggression (outward but mostly trying to hurt himself) in the last month alone. I just want to cry. I feel like such a failure as a parent. I wish want to cry. I want to cry. Even though we knew this day would come it still feels like we failed our son. We said nothing to each other (wife and I) last night. He is going to a certificate track starting second quarter. Though I know it is more appropriate for him, I know what it also means for his long-term future. He will be safer there, he will still be given some academics, but the major focus is on eventually job training (low level work). My heart breaks when I think how much hope I had for this precious life. I still remember on occasions when I would rock him back to sleep at 2 am and sing to him. Talking and whispering to him, telling him how much I loved him. How much I wanted the best for him. My heart breaks.


I'm sorry Drerio, my heart goes out to you and your wife. But you know you haven't failed Kenji, you have done your very best for him every step of the way, and you will continue to do so and to love and support him.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

drerio said:


> I am so depressed. I failed my son. I am a horrible father. I hate myself for not being able to find a way to provide him with the tools to survive.


You know this isn't true, drerio! Keiko and Kenji know it, too!

I can't imagine how painful this is for all of you! *HUGS* Are you using the tools that your counselor has given you to COPE with the negative thought patterns?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

drerio said:


> I still remember on occasions when I would rock him back to sleep at 2 am and sing to him. Talking and whispering to him, telling him how much I loved him. How much I wanted the best for him. My heart breaks.


And you STILL love him THAT MUCH. And you'd rock him and sing to him if he wanted that. He's a different boy now, a different young man. But you're still the SAME LOVING FATHER (who learned it all from scratch, no less!!!!!) who appreciates him, encourages him, works out with him, teaches him.

The DREAM may die, but the hope goes on, drerio! There is a life for Kenji out there...it's NOT the one you envisioned, but it may be JUST AS GREAT in its own way! It's just too soon to tell!

Kenji will HAVE TO make his own life with the support of you and his mother and, YES, he will have LOTS OF TRIALS. But, that is true of EVERY child. Even those children whose parents can offer them the moon & the stars, are not necessarily better off...not if their parents don't love them and help them. You and Keiko have Kenji WELL-COVERED on that score!

You can't control his life to be what you want, but you CAN help him control it as much as he can. There are limits to what ANY of us parents can do for our children!

I'm sorry you guys are all hurting! Know that you're IN OUR HEARTS and we support you and Keiko 100% if you need someone to talk to, share with, vent to!

~SGW and ALL YOUR FRIENDS at TAM!


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## Ikaika

Thank you SGW and Rose. I appreciate it very much

Malama pono


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## LanieB

I'm sorry for what you're going through, Drerio. I've been going through something of my own with one of my kids. I know what it's like to feel like a failure as a parent. Yet, I still have to believe that God gave US these particular children because it was best for THEM - - maybe not the best for us. Try to imagine how their lives could have been if they'd been given to parents who were not so loving and understanding.


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## Ikaika

LanieB said:


> I'm sorry for what you're going through, Drerio. I've been going through something of my own with one of my kids. I know what it's like to feel like a failure as a parent. Yet, I still have to believe that God gave US these particular children because it was best for THEM - - maybe not the best for us. Try to imagine how their lives could have been if they'd been given to parents who were not so loving and understanding.


Thank you. It means a lot. Aloha


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## coffee4me

I think as parents we all have felt like failures from time to time. We want to protect our children from the hurt of life's realities. We wish we could absorb their pain, wash away their frustration and give them peace and happiness. 

Like you drerio I used to beat myself up and feel as thou I'd somehow failed my kids. My son changed that when he told me that I can't take away his hurt. He loves me because I want to take it away and because I stand by him strong while he deals with this pain. I think your son would say the same if he could. 

I know he would tell you that you haven't failed him, you've been by his side when he needed you. You're a good father and your wife a good mother. I can't possibly know what it's like to raise a special needs child but I know it must take tremendous strength and love. 

My positive thoughts go out to you and your family.


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## Ikaika

coffee4me said:


> I think as parents we all have felt like failures from time to time. We want to protect our children from the hurt of life's realities. We wish we could absorb their pain, wash away their frustration and give them peace and happiness.
> 
> Like you drerio I used to beat myself up and feel as thou I'd somehow failed my kids. My son changed that when he told me that I can't take away his hurt. He loves me because I want to take it away and because I stand by him strong while he deals with this pain. I think your son would say the same if he could.
> 
> I know he would tell you that you haven't failed him, you've been by his side when he needed you. You're a good father and your wife a good mother. I can't possibly know what it's like to raise a special needs child but I know it must take tremendous strength and love.
> 
> My positive thoughts go out to you and your family.


Thank you


----------



## skype

drerio said:


> So, yesterday we had a team meeting with the school, teacher, administrators, district autism consultant, his school coordinator. We had him, Kenji, enrolled in a diploma track and hoped it would work but we knew him and knew his limitations. Thought we would at least give it a quarter. Well it has not been going well. The work was stepped up from what he was used to in middle school and elementary school (as it should); the added external stimuli and expected social norms; he has completely fallen apart. We suspected it would be too much. He had 22 incidences of aggression (outward but mostly trying to hurt himself) in the last month alone. I just want to cry. I feel like such a failure as a parent. I wish want to cry. I want to cry. Even though we knew this day would come it still feels like we failed our son. We said nothing to each other (wife and I) last night. He is going to a certificate track starting second quarter. Though I know it is more appropriate for him, I know what it also means for his long-term future. He will be safer there, he will still be given some academics, but the major focus is on eventually job training (low level work). My heart breaks when I think how much hope I had for this precious life. I still remember on occasions when I would rock him back to sleep at 2 am and sing to him. Talking and whispering to him, telling him how much I loved him. How much I wanted the best for him. My heart breaks.


I don't know if this quote will resonate with you, Drerio, but it came to mind when I read your post:

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." 

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Emily Perl Kingsley


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## EnjoliWoman

drerio said:


> I still remember on occasions when I would rock him back to sleep at 2 am and sing to him. Talking and whispering to him, telling him how much I loved him. How much I wanted the best for him. My heart breaks.


As parents, a society... we all have to adjust what "best" means. Typically it means a high level of education and socialization resulting in a socially respected, high paying job.

But there are plenty of non-ASD people who shun that and find "best" as being what brings a high degree of personal fulfillment.

So you can still want what is best for him and he can still achieve it - you just have to change your perception of what is best for him to PERSONAL best.

You nor your wife have failed him. You were dealt a random hand as we all are and you have managed it all beautifully in tandem. Your son is very talented. Perhaps he will make a living creating art. I love his self-portrait. I think it's professional quality. Not many have the gift to see negative space like he does. And that career does not require a diploma.  Hugs.


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## Ikaika

Bre68nda said:


> Is he also a drummer?


Younger son is the drummer.


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## Ikaika

EnjoliWoman said:


> As parents, a society... we all have to adjust what "best" means. Typically it means a high level of education and socialization resulting in a socially respected, high paying job.
> 
> But there are plenty of non-ASD people who shun that and find "best" as being what brings a high degree of personal fulfillment.
> 
> So you can still want what is best for him and he can still achieve it - you just have to change your perception of what is best for him to PERSONAL best.
> 
> You nor your wife have failed him. You were dealt a random hand as we all are and you have managed it all beautifully in tandem. Your son is very talented. Perhaps he will make a living creating art. I love his self-portrait. I think it's professional quality. Not many have the gift to see negative space like he does. And that career does not require a diploma.  Hugs.


Thank you. I have to hide the self portrait, otherwise he will destroy it. His and our journey will continue.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Drerio,

Is it ONLY because it's a self-portrait that Kenji dislikes the picture, or does he dislike ALL of his artwork?


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## Ikaika

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Drerio,
> 
> Is it ONLY because it's a self-portrait that Kenji dislikes the picture, or does he dislike ALL of his artwork?


I don't really know, he refuses to make anything else as that was an assigned school project.


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## EnjoliWoman

Maybe you should assign him some other things. A family portrait or the dog.


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## Coffee Amore

drerio said:


> Thank you. I have to hide the self portrait, otherwise he will destroy it. His and our journey will continue.


His reaction reminds me of how so many people hate hearing their own voices on an answering machine or video. There's something jarring about seeing the representation of yourself, which often doesn't match up to the image you have of yourself in your head. You have a moment where you think "Is THAT what I sound like? Ugh!" Perhaps he had a similar reaction to the self-portrait. It triggered something about his self-image he doesn't like.

My speculation for what it's worth...


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## mablenc

My son was asked to draw himself, he drew a picture of him drawing himself on a picture


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## diwali123

I get down sometimes about my d's asthma. I wonder what I did wrong, I did everything naturally and breasted. She didn't have sugar for three years, I did late vaccinations, all the natural hippy stuff. 
And she still has asthma, and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it. Because I really can't. I do my best but she still ends up in the hospital. 

Do you ever feel like the experts are blaming you or making you feel inferior? 

I think if you continue to force him to be in an environment that isn't right for him, that would be failing him. If you didn't do everything you could, that would be failing him. 

But it's not my fault my daughter has asthma, it's not your fault he has autism. It's so hard not to blame ourselves but the reality is, these are the children we have been given. 

I don't understand how he's doing high school level work and they say he had the IQ of a 7 year old?


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## Ikaika

diwali123 said:


> I get down sometimes about my d's asthma. I wonder what I did wrong, I did everything naturally and breasted. She didn't have sugar for three years, I did late vaccinations, all the natural hippy stuff.
> And she still has asthma, and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it. Because I really can't. I do my best but she still ends up in the hospital.
> 
> Do you ever feel like the experts are blaming you or making you feel inferior?
> 
> I think if you continue to force him to be in an environment that isn't right for him, that would be failing him. If you didn't do everything you could, that would be failing him.
> 
> But it's not my fault my daughter has asthma, it's not your fault he has autism. It's so hard not to blame ourselves but the reality is, these are the children we have been given.
> 
> I don't understand how he's doing high school level work and they say he had the IQ of a 7 year old?


My wife and I have to keep from  often at IEP (Individual Education Program) meetings when certain educators speak up as to imply it is our parenting that has caused our child to have these behaviors. Ahem, we have a younger son without ASD, respectful and all around good kid (no meltdowns). 

I know deep down it is not my fault that my son has ASD, but I think it is the nature of parents to think "If only I had done______". And, I sure that we could be better parents, but we do what we can daily. 

My son is currently enrolled in a certificate program. So he really is not doing HS level work. He essentially will be going out to learn basic skills to get a job for his level of maturity and abilities. That is our focus right now. 

Thank you.


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## diwali123

drerio said:


> My wife and I have to keep from  often at IEP (Individual Education Program) meetings when certain educators speak up as to imply it is our parenting that has caused our child to have these behaviors. Ahem, we have a younger son without ASD, respectful and all around good kid (no meltdowns).
> 
> I know deep down it is not my fault that my son has ASD, but I think it is the nature of parents to think "If only I had done______". And, I sure that we could be better parents, but we do what we can daily.
> 
> My son is currently enrolled in a certificate program. So he really is not doing HS level work. He essentially will be going out to learn basic skills to get a job for his level of maturity and abilities. That is our focus right now.
> 
> Thank you.


School nurse, doctors, and hospital staff have all acted like it's my fault that her asthma isn't "under control". If only they knew. 

You have so much education and IQ, if you could do better you would. It just gets me that we live in a time when so many children are severely abused, neglected and abandoned but it's the parents who really care who professionals look down their nose at.


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## diwali123

Also Drerio, in the town I used to live in, a bunch of parents started a community for their adult children. They were all extremely autistic, had multiple disabilities and very low functioning. Somehow they set it up sort of like a trust. So that the organization could help other people but they had to adhere to certain guidelines. 
A lot of the adults I worked with in the day program lived there. 
Most of them were unable to even function in the sheltered workshop. But they had a community. 
It can be done. I always felt like most of them had a lot more going on in their brains than could be measured. Not that they were geniuses but they had their own awareness and ways of getting what they wanted.


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## Ikaika

The years between Kenji and his younger brother Ryo are 2 year and 2 months. We always knew at some point that the academic, emotional, maturity and behavioral levels of Ryo would eventually surpass that of his older brother. In many way making him the “older” brother. The day appears to have arrived. I feel sad for both - that Ryo can’t enjoy being the younger brother, that Kenji can’t and will not be the older figure that Ryo can look to. It is less about me and how I feel, it is more about how I know this may have some impact on both of them as they get older. I have made the commitment to find ways to teach both of them in their new roles without belittling Kenji and without making Ryo feel cheated in his birth-place. We have started with differences in chores around the house and next it will be opening a bank account for Ryo. Teaching Ryo how to be responsible for his own finances. A skill that will be necessary as he may have to, at some point, oversee his brother’s financial well-being. 

Starting this coming Tuesday is quarter two at Kenji’s HS and transitioning from the diploma track to the certificate track. He has enough cognitive awareness of what that means. I can see it on his face that it is a great disappointment. I wish it did not have to turn out this way, but we really are left with few choices if we want him to have any success in his future. The new course of study will based on learning basic life skills and thus getting him ready for the workplace and some form of independence. Sadly he still has difficulty understanding *money* - if he were tasked with making a basic purchase at the store, he would have difficulty understanding how much money to exchange and how much change he should receive back. *Time* - to which he still has a difficulty with understanding time on an analog clock. Yet, he can repeat back facts about high level concepts. Thus the task will be to merge these two skills or lack thereof with something he is able to succeed at in his life. We are resolved to help prepare him to meet this new challenge, move forward and no longer look back to wonder at what we could have done. It is not helpful to him or us and we all need to understand our new roles and move forward. Kenji's journey continues.


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## diwali123

Good for you, I'm glad you are done second guessing yourselves. 
It's kind of sad about the younger brother surpassing the older in maturity.


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## RedRose14

Drerio, it's great that Kenji is moving forward and that you are preparing him for adult life. He is getting all the love and support that is humanly possible.

I understand what you are saying about Ryo and your worrying about him being robbed of the expected position of him having an older brother to look after him, and the roles being reversed. And it makes me think of my two boys. There are 2 years and 5 months between my boys. When oldest son was 5 and youngest son was 3 I sent them into the supermarket with £5 to buy sweeties. I hid behind the newspapers to observe what happened...

The boys selected the sweeties they wanted. Oldest son then gave youngest son the £5 and the sweeties and youngest son marched up confidently to the till-lady and made the purchases on behalf of himself and his big brother, whilst big brother blended into the background and tried to look inconspicous!

You see oldest son is painfully shy and avoids social situations. Youngest son is very outgoing and confident, nothing phases him. Youngest son has been "looking after" oldest son in social situations his whole life, he doesn't know any different, he loves his brother and he is happy to help him out in situations where he is uncomfortable. Maybe Ryo will feel the same way about helping Kenji


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## Ikaika

RedRose14 said:


> Drerio, it's great that Kenji is moving forward and that you are preparing him for adult life. He is getting all the love and support that is humanly possible.
> 
> I understand what you are saying about Ryo and your worrying about him being robbed of the expected position of him having an older brother to look after him, and the roles being reversed. And it makes me think of my two boys. There are 2 years and 5 months between my boys. When oldest son was 5 and youngest son was 3 I sent them into the supermarket with £5 to buy sweeties. I hid behind the newspapers to observe what happened...
> 
> The boys selected the sweeties they wanted. Oldest son then gave youngest son the £5 and the sweeties and youngest son marched up confidently to the till-lady and made the purchases on behalf of himself and his big brother, whilst big brother blended into the background and tried to look inconspicous!
> 
> You see oldest son is painfully shy and avoids social situations. Youngest son is very outgoing and confident, nothing phases him. Youngest son has been "looking after" oldest son in social situations his whole life, he doesn't know any different, he loves his brother and he is happy to help him out in situations where he is uncomfortable. Maybe Ryo will feel the same way about helping Kenji


Thank you. I do hope that the same will be realized (as it seems to be between your two sons) for my boys.


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## COGypsy

Drerio, I usually have next to nothing to contribute when it comes to talking about parenting and children, however the situation that you describe with your boys is very similar to the situation with my "nephews". They are the sons of a dear friend and I've known them most of their lives, so they're part of my family of choice, if not birth. 

At any rate....the elder of the two was born with Down's syndrome. Similarly to kids with autism, it's been trial and error seeing how far his intellectual development and functional intelligence will advance. As it turns out, at 26 he has a functional age I'd say somewhere between 10 and 12 in most areas. His younger brother is now 24 and married. The younger brother has always known that his brother will need help and care throughout his life. He really just accepts it as the way things are. He's never known a time when his brother didn't have special needs, so it's just the family dynamic. For the most part, any resentment that he has is along the lines of resenting homework on a sunny day--sure his brother's needs may get in the way of things he'd rather do from time to time, but it's a pretty fleeting feeling. 

Over the last year or so he's had to do a lot more helping with his brother's care since their mother moved out of state and even so, he's incredibly accepting of the responsibility. Granted, these are both amazing boys (in my completely objective opinion, of course!), but I am willing to bet that your home is just as loving and accepting of the facts of your lives. I think that's what makes the difference. No big fuss was ever made or mourned over, it was just the way things were. I bet your boys will be just as accepting and adjusted to the dynamic too!


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## Ikaika

Last night, as a family, we went to a football game. We got discounted tickets. Thought it would be nice to do something different, change of venue from the ordinary. Well, like other college football games, the crowded parking lot (before the game) was packed with tailgaters. While none of this bothers most people it was the beginning of stimulation overload for Kenji. I could see it in his eyes and some of his actions. Because the University of Hawai'i Warriors are not doing so well this year, it was far less than a sell out crowd and many of the parking lot partiers made their way to their seats just before kick off. One could only imagine if they were a stellar team in their conference. 

So we had some relatively relaxing moments in our seats in the stadium to just watch both teams go through drills and just relax talk and get something to eat. Just around the time of kick off, the stadium started to fill in with more spectators. The noise level from the announcer and the added PA fight songs started to amp up. The crowd started to buzz more. And when the home team made their first score, a loud cannon noise went off on our side of the stadium. The anxiety level of our son went up and up and up. As with ASD individuals this over stimulation works their sympathetic nerves into survival mode not matched by what is really happening. They cannot moderate or control actions to match the situation. Kenji started to get very agitated. He reflexively struck out at me once right after the cannon went off. Hit me hard in the back. I will tell you it was sore and I could tell it was a reflex, it was not some intended response. He even recognized right away what he did and try to undo it. He yelled at one time for it all to stop (later in the game). We were able to calm him down, but we could see from this situation that we put him into a nearly impossible scenario. 

One lesson learned is that poor Kenji really cannot be exposed to the normal activities others take for granted. It makes it even more the case for me to look at how we find ways for him to be in safe environments for his future employment and living situations. On yet another note, I have said this before to others and have even written it down but as further public record: I just want to say that if anything every tragic happens to me at the hands of Kenji, I just want to say I forgive him and hope that he can be cared for and not punished unjustly. I love him.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

*hugs* to you and Keiko and *hugs* to Kenji & Ryo!

Keep hanging tough, you're GREAT and WONDERFUL parents to both of your boys!


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## TikiKeen

I'm so sorry the game didn't go as well as you'd hoped, drerio.

I wonder what will happen with Youngest as he gets older, although group homes and institutions are sadly in his future (developmentally age 2).

What calming methods worked in the stadium? That's info I know I need and am always willing to try what works for others. We have Veteran's Day stuff next week and I wan to go in with a coping game plan.


----------



## Ikaika

TikiKeen said:


> I'm so sorry the game didn't go as well as you'd hoped, drerio.
> 
> I wonder what will happen with Youngest as he gets older, although group homes and institutions are sadly in his future (developmentally age 2).
> 
> What calming methods worked in the stadium? That's info I know I need and am always willing to try what works for others. We have Veteran's Day stuff next week and I wan to go in with a coping game plan.


The best way to calm my son down at the stadium was for me to walk him out onto the deck outside of much of the noise and big crowds so that he could just pace heavy back and forth (a stim for him). 

Well, my younger son is already a bit annoyed by having an autistic brother. I don't want to put too much on his plate yet. But, as both of them get older, I do want the younger one to realize he will have to have a role in his brother's life.


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## TikiKeen

Mine is the youngest, and the older two still gripe when they feel too much focus is being placed on the youngest one. Individual time with me and H is a must-have.


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## Ikaika

Kenji is getting older and now at the point where he is growing facial hair. So Monday, I need to show him how to shave. How will this go? I don't know? He has sensory issues, so I have as much anxiety for this upcoming event as he does, however I am not showing to him. 

I will let you how this plays out


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## Oldrandwisr

You and your family are resourceful and amazing. You have my admiration as I have relatives with similar circumstances.

With all of the challenges, I bet he has surprised you in the past with some things you expected to be difficult that turned out to be routine. Will be thinking of you and hope to hear the shaving experience goes well.


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## 2ntnuf

drerio,

I want you to know that I have not come here because I do not believe I have anything I could contribute to truly help. All I can give is the knowledge that I do care and only wish the very best for you, Kenji and your family. I am not a wise parent. I know who I am, in that respect and I very rarely, maybe only twice since I've been here, post in any threads in this area. I'm too afraid to give bad advice on such important topics as the care of children. 

Never forget, though, I do care.


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## Ikaika

2ntnuf said:


> drerio,
> 
> I want you to know that I have not come here because I do not believe I have anything I could contribute to truly help. All I can give is the knowledge that I do care and only wish the very best for you, Kenji and your family. I am not a wise parent. I know who I am, in that respect and I very rarely, maybe only twice since I've been here, post in any threads in this area. I'm too afraid to give bad advice on such important topics as the care of children.
> 
> Never forget, though, I do care.


Thank you for your kind thoughts. I will post something later today (somewhat brief of things going on), I promise.


----------



## Ikaika

Kenji as of late has been experiencing some very aggressive behavior toward others and himself, often without provocation. He does suggest that he at times hears things that no one else does (talks to himself more now than he ever has). 

Today, he had to be restrained by school security. My heart is breaking. Just so you understand, we don't spoil him, he knows he is not allowed to act out in certain behaviors otherwise there are disciplinary consequences from us. But, when we ask him what happened, what he describes sounds more like he is just blanking out. We still tell him he can't just allow his emotions to command his actions and has to find ways not allow this to happen. It is very hard. I really don't want to start him on any medication, but we don't know yet what we can do. We may explore other options.


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## RedRose14

Poor Kenji, it must be so confusing for him. I know nothing about autism Drerio, but I would imagine he has very little control over his emotions, I am sure Kenji would love to not have these episodes. My heart goes out to him and to you and Mrs Drerio and your family. 

I don't know whether you have explored herbal options Drerio. I don't know whether I have mentioned before, but I saw a Chinese herbal practitioner/acupuncturist in order to get pregnant, I didn't ovulate and after taking Clomid I did get pregnant but miscarried. The Chinese medicine enabled me to maintain my pregnancies. My point is, there could be something in it so it's worth a go if you want to avoid traditional medication. I know how irritating it is when people chirp in with comments about complementary medicine curing this and that for them, how sniffing some Bergamot oil is very beneficial for depression, eating tofu will prevent menopause, blah blah blah, I know it can be like sticking a bandaid onto a broken leg a lot of the time. But, you never know, Kenji may find some relief from something. However, that being said, the point may come for Kenji where traditional medicine is the best thing for him, and even though it's not what you want for him you maybe shouldn't rule it out completely.


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## LongWalk

Hi Derio,

Didn't follow you thread before, but since we have sharing the position on the gun-nutiology thread, I will read this, too.


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## Ikaika

RedRose14 said:


> Poor Kenji, it must be so confusing for him. I know nothing about autism Drerio, but I would imagine he has very little control over his emotions, I am sure Kenji would love to not have these episodes. My heart goes out to him and to you and Mrs Drerio and your family.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't know whether you have explored herbal options Drerio. I don't know whether I have mentioned before, but I saw a Chinese herbal practitioner/acupuncturist in order to get pregnant, I didn't ovulate and after taking Clomid I did get pregnant but miscarried. The Chinese medicine enabled me to maintain my pregnancies. My point is, there could be something in it so it's worth a go if you want to avoid traditional medication. I know how irritating it is when people chirp in with comments about complementary medicine curing this and that for them, how sniffing some Bergamot oil is very beneficial for depression, eating tofu will prevent menopause, blah blah blah, I know it can be like sticking a bandaid onto a broken leg a lot of the time. But, you never know, Kenji may find some relief from something. However, that being said, the point may come for Kenji where traditional medicine is the best thing for him, and even though it's not what you want for him you maybe shouldn't rule it out completely.



Thank you. We will be exploring less pharmaceutical routes for now. What really bothers me is that my youngest son then feels like he is being ignored as we pour our attention into Kenji's needs right now. We do need to do something and soon.


----------



## Oldrandwisr

Drerio, my heart goes out to you and your family. 

You mentioned Kenji started growing facial hair recently, so is the new behavior due to hormonal changes?

Maybe promise some special time to spend with your younger son after this episode resolves. Or, even 15 minutes per day of one on one goes a long way, but you must feel spread quite thin right now.

I just wanted to pipe in that I am thinking of you and your family and hope this episode is short lived.


----------



## Ikaika

Oldrandwisr said:


> Drerio, my heart goes out to you and your family.
> 
> 
> 
> You mentioned Kenji started growing facial hair recently, so is the new behavior due to hormonal changes?
> 
> 
> 
> Maybe promise some special time to spend with your younger son after this episode resolves. Or, even 15 minutes per day of one on one goes a long way, but you must feel spread quite thin right now.
> 
> 
> 
> I just wanted to pipe in that I am thinking of you and your family and hope this episode is short lived.



There is no doubt the hormonal surges are confusing. Just think the normal teenager, who can already be difficult and irritable, multiply 10 fold. 

Thank you


----------



## Ikaika

Kenji had a better today. He often only gets six hours of sleep at night. He tells us he does not know how to shut his brain down. So, he did get a little more sleep last night. We also spent a lot of time coaching him through possible situations.


----------



## 2ntnuf

Do you mind if I tell you how I shut mine down?


----------



## Ikaika

2ntnuf said:


> Do you mind if I tell you how I shut mine down?


We could use all the advice possible. He just can't shut his mind off, so sleep is difficult.


----------



## 2ntnuf

As you know, I've had my issues. Most nights, I cannot shut mine off. It starts when I have no one to talk with, like here. When alone, I don't do well, at all. The movies start. All the scenarios of why and what I could have done. Regrets and all. It still happens. 

I used to read the Bible and pray A LOT, when it first happened. I would leave the television on in the bedroom. I rarely did this stuff before. It helped, but the light from the television was stopping me.

Lately, I've taken to setting my clock radio to play for 90 minutes and I have it set to a talk station. It's mainly like white noise. Nothing I take seriously, but interesting. I listen. It keeps my mind off of stuff I don't want to think about, that bothers me. 

No idea what he can tolerate or what he likes. I just think there is no way to drop everything sometimes. I also, as you know, am up late many nights. I can be up very late and be very tired. I still don't fall asleep easily. I must be close to exhaustion to sleep and use the radio. Maybe he can find a good place, where he is not exhausted, but is very tired, so he doesn't feel so anxious, he wants to lash out? 

I know, if something awakens me, I'll be up for a while. The brain chemicals which cause sadness, build during sleep. Mornings are very tough. Even if I awaken, I go through deep sadness. It takes a while to fall back asleep. The radio helps then, too. Some reading helps. If he can't read, maybe he does something like color or draw that can help him think about something else. 

I loved that picture he drew. Maybe he needs to express those tough emotions and thoughts in drawing, to release them onto paper and let go, even if just till he falls asleep?


----------



## Ikaika

2ntnuf said:


> As you know, I've had my issues. Most nights, I cannot shut mine off. It starts when I have no one to talk with, like here. When alone, I don't do well, at all. The movies start. All the scenarios of why and what I could have done. Regrets and all. It still happens.
> 
> I used to read the Bible and pray A LOT, when it first happened. I would leave the television on in the bedroom. I rarely did this stuff before. It helped, but the light from the television was stopping me.
> 
> Lately, I've taken to setting my clock radio to play for 90 minutes and I have it set to a talk station. It's mainly like white noise. Nothing I take seriously, but interesting. I listen. It keeps my mind off of stuff I don't want to think about, that bothers me.
> 
> No idea what he can tolerate or what he likes. I just think there is no way to drop everything sometimes. I also, as you know, am up late many nights. I can be up very late and be very tired. I still don't fall asleep easily. I must be close to exhaustion to sleep and use the radio. Maybe he can find a good place, where he is not exhausted, but is very tired, so he doesn't feel so anxious, he wants to lash out?
> 
> I know, if something awakens me, I'll be up for a while. The brain chemicals which cause sadness, build during sleep. Mornings are very tough. Even if I awaken, I go through deep sadness. It takes a while to fall back asleep. The radio helps then, too. Some reading helps. If he can't read, maybe he does something like color or draw that can help him think about something else.
> 
> I loved that picture he drew. Maybe he needs to express those tough emotions and thoughts in drawing, to release them onto paper and let go, even if just till he falls asleep?


thank you for sharing. My wife has suggested some kind of "white noise". We may try it.


----------



## 2ntnuf

If he has thoughts he can't let go, it may have to be something that makes him think, not just the sound of water or something. That's what I was meaning by, "white noise". It still makes me think a little, but much less. It's just enough to keep me from thinking of the things I don't want.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Meditation?

Subliminal therapy for autism? 

Know nothing about it, but you know all suggestions are meant kindly...we know YOU KNOW that!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Sorry it has taken me so long to open & read of your son's journey....



drerio said:


> thank you Anon P for your thoughts. *I think more of my pain and worry has so much to do about my son's future. As long as he is a minor and or living with us, I can do as much as I can to buffer him from the world. *This may not even be the healthiest approach for us or him, to coddle him, we resist doing this but not always easy.
> 
> *One thing I have even considered doing (taking it more seriously as my son gets older) is to retire early and start up a non-profit organization (locally only) that would target individuals like my son. The organization would partner with local business to find some form of employment for these individuals (jobs that would otherwise not pay very much but could be of service to any company). *


 If you have the where with all, the ability to put together something like this in your area...it would be a blessing to so many......you are such an intelligent man ...you could do this! .... May that seed planted ....continue to grow if this is meant to be a part of your future... and his.. and so many others... 

What a difference it could make ... We have a facility in our area similar to what you describe here for others to be brought together and work on small projects -that are used in the community....they earn $$ for their labor...so many days a week..I don't know too much about it but it sounds like a great program ..for all involved. 



drerio said:


> *thank you, however I feel more like a failure (I know it is unfounded but I often just feel like I failed him somewhere), but I will not let that keep from moving forward.*


 It pains me to even hear you talk like this... You are so humble.. the majority of marriages do not even survive, the Father can't handle it and walks away... you are purely an example of what should BE.... just being there.... is more the the average Joe could handle..... Avon Pink said "Parents of special needs kids are super heroes!"... I couldn't agree more with this..... it robs your spirit and happiness at times.. yet you have been steadfast and true...and who would blame you if you Loose it sometimes...want to lock yourself in the basement for a night, take a long drive ... we all need a little escape too. (and I bet you don't even do these things!) 



> *My son will at times skip throughout the house repeating word for word some video game review he heard on Youtube. And, even if the review was 30 minutes long he could repeat it word for word after hearing it only once.* It would not make any difference if only family were home or someone came over to visit. He would conduct this activity without any sense of understanding social norms. This would happen in place of stopping for the normal greeting.


 Their capacity for memory -every fine detail... it's crazy...Good friends of ours have a son with aspergers (he is like 14 now) they moved a few yrs back but we visit now & then.....this is the closest to seeing 1st hand what parents go through on a daily basis ...

They've had "wrap arounds" much of his growing up yrs, times they had to pick him up at school for having a meltdown, he lost his ability to ride the bus at one point...... he would go through phases of being obsessed with vacuum cleaners (he was eager to share every detail)... or Golfing...he lost so many golf balls on our property....He loved to read 

The last time we visited, he started talking to my husband about the Civil War... it blew us away.. I mean...he knew EVERYTHING... times, exact dates, Every General.... I had to tear my husband away from him.. he was so enthusiastic - and that memory.... I was thinking of







...like he really should be involved in some way with a "Reenactment group or a tour guide.... he would be in his glory somehow.....if there was some place for him... 

The last 2 times we left their house, when saying his Goodbye's he'd squeeze so tight his dad would have to tell him to "Let go now" & raise his voice a little louder almost demanding - he can get a little carried away... I know this son, even with his difficulties...ya know , has still brought them much laughter throughout the years.. But it hasn't been an easy road by any means ...he is "highly functional" I guess. 



drerio said:


> Kenji started to get very agitated. He reflexively struck out at me once right after the cannon went off. Hit me hard in the back. I will tell you it was sore and I could tell it was a reflex, it was not some intended response. He even recognized right away what he did and try to undo it. He yelled at one time for it all to stop (later in the game). We were able to calm him down, but we could see from this situation that we put him into a nearly impossible scenario.
> 
> One lesson learned is that poor Kenji really cannot be exposed to the normal activities others take for granted. It makes it even more the case for me to look at how we find ways for him to be in safe environments for his future employment and living situations. On yet another note,* I have said this before to others and have even written it down but as further public record: I just want to say that if anything every tragic happens to me at the hands of Kenji, I just want to say I forgive him and hope that he can be cared for and not punished unjustly. I love him.*


 Bringing me to tears Drerio... and you question if you are a Good Father .....







...You are the BEST Kenji could ask for....this speaks it ALL.... How blessed is HE...... a Father who only wants the very best life can bring...accepts him for where he IS, understands his outbursts, even rage at times...you work out with him, take him to ball games, you have remained by his side -run to the school at every inconvenience...so proud of his artwork (AMAZING by the way -that face! )...



drerio said:


> *My heart breaks when I think how much hope I had for this precious life. I still remember on occasions when I would rock him back to sleep at 2 am and sing to him. Talking and whispering to him, telling him how much I loved him. How much I wanted the best for him. My heart breaks*.


 and here you are ...still there by his side.. rocking him in his daily life...ya know what amazes ME.... 

I've never heard you complain about your lot in life, or show any utterance of resentment... WHY ME?? ..in anything you have written... a Rant.... only that you wish you could DO, GIVE, BE more to your son....and feeling you don't measure up, always missing the mark somehow... .. Honestly I am freaking blown away by that..... Could many of us do this.. .HELL NO ! We'd shrink miserably under these circumstances..I see you as nothing but ..yeah that "super hero" strong....

You remain steadfast, it's always about HIM at the forefront...so unselfish...you do your everything to "protect" and Prepare...and BE THERE...you give him as stable of a life as you possibly can, no matter what comes...He can count on DAD to be right there beside him...just look at yourself like this >











> *I have made the commitment to find ways to teach both of them in their new roles without belittling Kenji and without making Ryo feel cheated in his birth-place. We have started with differences in chores around the house and next it will be opening a bank account for Ryo. Teaching Ryo how to be responsible for his own finances. A skill that will be necessary as he may have to, at some point, oversee his brother’s financial well-being*


 Just another example or not shirking your every duty to prepare him..and Ryo for what lies ahead...always looking out for your family.


----------



## Ikaika

Thank you for all your kind thoughts and words SA. I really do appreciate it.


----------



## OldGirl

2ntnuf said:


> If he has thoughts he can't let go, it may have to be something that makes him think, not just the sound of water or something. That's what I was meaning by, "white noise". It still makes me think a little, but much less. It's just enough to keep me from thinking of the things I don't want.


I'm the same way. I can't just listen to the sound of rain or something; I have to listen to a story of some kind. Something relaxing but interesting enough to stop me from thinking/worrying. 

Thank you for sharing your story, drerio. I don't have anything to contribute, but like everyone else here, I care about you and your wife and the boys. Thank you for letting us know what's happening.


----------



## Ikaika

OldGirl said:


> I'm the same way. I can't just listen to the sound of rain or something; I have to listen to a story of some kind. Something relaxing but interesting enough to stop me from thinking/worrying.
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you for sharing your story, drerio. I don't have anything to contribute, but like everyone else here, I care about you and your wife and the boys. Thank you for letting us know what's happening.



Thank you


----------



## angelpixie

I, too, want to join with the others here and say I think you and Mrs. D are very amazing people. Kenji and Ryo couldn't have made it this far without the two of you, so don't ever doubt that they need you, and that you're the best for them. I'm keeping all of you in my thoughts. ((hugs))


----------



## Ikaika

angelpixie said:


> I, too, want to join with the others here and say I think you and Mrs. D are very amazing people. Kenji and Ryo couldn't have made it this far without the two of you, so don't ever doubt that they need you, and that you're the best for them. I'm keeping all of you in my thoughts. ((hugs))


Thank you


----------



## Ikaika

A couple things we are going to try:

We are making plans to move toward a eating a gluten free diet. I know that there is much debate as to whether there is any real connection between one's mental state of mind and diet. There is lack of any strong scientific study that has made the connection. I have perused the literature in great detail on the subject. However, what I do think is that gluten or foods that contain a lot of gluten changes our gut microflora. In light of that, there is increasing evidence that our general health and possibly even mental health may be linked to the bacteria that inhibit our gut. So we also plan on supplementing this diet with probiotics. As a side note, Kenji has always had difficult with bowel movements along with low muscle tone and of course his ASD. Are these symptoms and conditions related? It is so hard to make direct correlation, but even as a person who lives by experiential evidence, I can't ignore what I observe. We hope that this at least helps with his sleep. Kenji has never expressed that stomach irritations keep him awake at night or even wake him up in the middle of the night. But, even that alone is not reliable since he has some deficit in clearly expressing himself.

We have have set up a regular exercise regime for him to carry out everyday. Some days will include lifting weights with me. Other days will be a vigorous 15 minute workout. There is no doubt in my mind that many of the stimulations associated with consistent exercise diet will help with his sleep and hopefully better mental regulation. He shows some reluctance in wanting to exercise, but once he starts into it, he is ok with carrying out the task. I promised him and Keiko that I will not go "drill Sergeant" on him. 

I will keep you up to speed on his progress as we start down this new path. 

This will not replace all the things we currently are doing with him.


----------



## Jellybeans

Exercise is a great idea  Plus it will be a fun activity to do together.


----------



## Ikaika

Jellybeans said:


> Exercise is a great idea  Plus it will be a fun activity to do together.


Plus, I might as well get a better gain for my in-home gym investment. 

Thank you


----------



## mablenc

Maybe he's older but, many recomend a trampoline for children with ASD.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ikaika

mablenc said:


> Maybe he's older but, many recomend a trampoline for children with ASD.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What he wants and I may be able to accommodate him given that I know have a power cage system, a punching bag. 


Allow him the opportunity to punch out his frustrations with the understanding that this is to only be done on a bag and not on another person. He said, "I know".


----------



## mablenc

The gluten free diet worked very well for us, my son was less constipated and better skin. He was also less hyper. But he lost wight and was underweight all that time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2ntnuf

mablenc said:


> The gluten free diet worked very well for us, my son was less constipated and better skin. He was also less hyper. But he lost wight and was underweight all that time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would post where I read this, if I could remember. This is quite true with gluten-free or low gluten diets. I don't know for certain if that was a problem or how it was countered. I'm sorry, drerio. I think it was on some health site. Men's health? Dang, I wish I could remember, d. I just don't want you to be surprised.


----------



## COGypsy

Have you considered yoga as part of Kenji's regimen? I haven't seen any studies on it with ASD or kids with other sensory integration problems, but it might be something to consider. In particular, I'm thinking that it could be part of his toolbox to self-soothe. Ideas like connecting body to breath when he's anxious. I've even read about people that will use yoga to cue body responses to stress. Not that they break out into Tree Pose when deadlines loom or anything, but they find grounding and focus by say, putting their feet at the same angles they do for Warrior Pose before speaking in public. 

Given that Kenji is used to physical outlets for anxiety and stress already, it might be an interesting tool for him.


----------



## Ikaika

COGypsy said:


> Have you considered yoga as part of Kenji's regimen? I haven't seen any studies on it with ASD or kids with other sensory integration problems, but it might be something to consider. In particular, I'm thinking that it could be part of his toolbox to self-soothe. Ideas like connecting body to breath when he's anxious. I've even read about people that will use yoga to cue body responses to stress. Not that they break out into Tree Pose when deadlines loom or anything, but they find grounding and focus by say, putting their feet at the same angles they do for Warrior Pose before speaking in public.
> 
> Given that Kenji is used to physical outlets for anxiety and stress already, it might be an interesting tool for him.


We enrolled him in an after school yoga class in the 5th grade. He was not mature enough at the time to catch on, but worth trying again. 

Thank you


----------



## COGypsy

drerio said:


> We enrolled him in an after school yoga class in the 5th grade. He was not mature enough at the time to catch on, but worth trying again.
> 
> Thank you


He might like the Vinyasa Flow style better--lots of motion instead of the quieter Hatha styles. Sadie Nardini is pretty cool--she has on occasion used Bon Jovi lyrics as meditations  Might be a little more relatable......


----------



## Ikaika

COGypsy said:


> He might like the Vinyasa Flow style better--lots of motion instead of the quieter Hatha styles. Sadie Nardini is pretty cool--she has on occasion used Bon Jovi lyrics as meditations  Might be a little more relatable......


I will see if there are classes available here. Thank you very much for the information.


----------



## Ikaika

So we met with several outside agencies as well as working with the school - starting next month Kenji will be enrolled in intense swimming lessons and weight lifting training gear for kids of his abilities. All of this is to prepare him to compete in Special Olympics. However, it is mainly to see how these intense regimes might help to regulate his mental state of mind. 

So much is now being touted in ASD circles about how proprioceptive feedback and muscle tone affect these kids mentally. We are still hoping to find ways to get around having to medicate him.


----------



## LongWalk

Drerio,

My eldest daughter is hearing impaired. It's not as great a challenge as what you are facing, but I know a bit how it feels. Sports make a big difference. The brain is very well stimulated by physical activity and challenges.

I saw a kid a coached in swimming today. He must be around 13 now. He was a real mess when I had him. He could not concentrate well. He is doing so much better. His dad was really worried, but he stuck by his son and the swimming is paying off.

I enjoy reading the political discussions we've been having. I think you have an open mind. Hope I do, too. I am learning stuff from the discussions: a little history, politics, current affair, technology, etc.


----------



## Ikaika

LongWalk said:


> Drerio,
> 
> My eldest daughter is hearing impaired. It's not as great a challenge as what you are facing, but I know a bit how it feels. Sports make a big difference. The brain is very well stimulated by physical activity and challenges.
> 
> I saw a kid a coached in swimming today. He must be around 13 now. He was a real mess when I had him. He could not concentrate well. He is doing so much better. His dad was really worried, but he stuck by his son and the swimming is paying off.
> 
> I enjoy reading the political discussions we've been having. I think you have an open mind. Hope I do, too. I am learning stuff from the discussions: a little history, politics, current affair, technology, etc.


Thank you. I do try to be open minded. But, this is really my most important job, being a father to my two sons. I try, but often feel a failure.


----------



## CharlieParker

drerio said:


> try, but often *feel* a failure.


I'm sorry you feel that way, I can't tell what to feel, you feel what you feel, but I hope you know that feeling is misguided.


----------



## RedRose14

This is great news Drerio, what a fantastic way to focus Kenji and give him something that allows him to challenge himself and feel good about himself. I know how much Kenji was enjoying his workouts with you so have no doubt he will find the physical activity hugely beneficial. We all need physical release but teenage boys especially, IMO, really need it, their hormones are raging and it's not good for them to have pent up energy, they are much happier, confident, calm, focussed and do better at school when they participate in sports.

And what Charlie said is true, you are not a failure in any way shape or form. We all feel inadequate as parents at times, that's normal. Like I've said before, you and Mrs Drerio have done your absolute very best, more than most people are capable of doing, you are both amazing parents to your boys.


----------



## Ikaika

Kenji is now in a powerlifting club at school. The hope is that in Summer 2015 he will be able to compete in powerlifting, Special Olympics.


----------



## Coffee Amore

drerio said:


> Kenji is now in a powerlifting club at school. The hope is that in Summer 2015 he will be able to compete in powerlifting, Special Olympics.


:smthumbup:

That's wonderful, drerio. He could probably practice at home with you too in your excellent home gym.


----------



## Ikaika

Coffee Amore said:


> :smthumbup:
> 
> That's wonderful, drerio. He could probably practice at home with you too in your excellent home gym.


We will be and, maybe since they have a professional (former Olympic powerlifter - one of the dads) trainer, Kenji may be able to give me some pointers.


----------



## pidge70

Drerio, I don't think you realize how amazing of a person you truly are. You are such a good person, believe in that.

Pōmaika`i


----------



## Ikaika

pidge70 said:


> Drerio, I don't think you realize how amazing of a person you truly are. You are such a good person, believe in that.
> 
> Pōmaika`i


thank you


----------



## pidge70

drerio said:


> thank you


A‘ole pilikia


----------



## RedRose14

That is very exciting news for Kenji, Drerio, I'm so pleased for him, I wish I could see him power-lifting, I can just imagine how happy he is!


----------



## Jellybeans

Congrats to Kenji!  That is aweeeesome!


----------



## Ikaika

This last weekend was really tough, a weekend that makes me feel like I have failed as a father. 

I can't even tell you what the trigger was, but something set Kenji off. He had a horrible meltdown. It triggered a violent reaction. He first went after my youngest son then my wife (Kenji has grown bigger than my wife). He had a look in his eyes as if he was not there. I want to say it was not him and possibly was not, but just lost it. I had to restrain him, hold him down physically. He is strong, but fortunately I was able to restrain him. He continued to kick and grab at me. His fingernails drew blood from me and his kicks put a hole in the hallway wall. My wife and youngest son crying and my oldest son pinned down eventually calming down complaining that I was hurting him. 

I sat back after he calmed down and cried. He did not hurt me physically and walls can be patched (I did that yesterday), but somethings can't be healed. I just did not want him to hurt my wife or Ryo or himself. He said "let me go so I can stab myself". I don't know if I could or should have taken it seriously but I didn't want to find out so I kept him pinned down a little longer. 

After it was all over and I cried, I sat with Kenji in his room with him. We sat there on the floor exhausted, not saying a word. Finally we started to talk. I apologized and wanted to know if he was ok. He apologized for the blood he drew and wall. I did not care about that, I felt horrible for possibly hurting him. I held him gently (lovingly) for the next 10 minutes, no more words uttered. My youngest took a shower, crying the whole time. That night we all slept in the same bed (even the dog). I felt horrible, I am a bad father, but I did not know what to do. 

We don't want to put Kenji on medication, however we are scheduled as a family to seek Family counseling starting this Friday and we will see what our options will be. I hope we are doing the right thing.


----------



## coffee4me

It sounds like you handled the situation very well D. I don't know what else you could have done.


----------



## Ikaika

coffee4me said:


> It sounds like you handled the situation very well D. I don't know what else you could have done.


It just made me feel like I was an awful parent. You are right, I may not have had too many other choices, but the feeling of second guessing and the like lurks in my mind even now.


----------



## heartsbeating

What are your wife's thoughts on how you handled it?


FWIW I agree with coffee4me. 

I also think you are an amazing father who perhaps doesn't allow himself to recognize that.


----------



## coffee4me

Don't second guess yourself it really sounds like you did the only thing you could do. I'm sure it did not feel good to restrain your son but you did it with love and compassion to prevent harm to all. 

Last year we had an incident in my family that was extremely traumatic. The end result was my son needed to be restrained from physically harming someone (who intended to harm his sister - perfectly normal reaction). 

I thank my lucky stars that my brother is actually still stronger than my son and was able to physically restrain him. He calmed him and diffused a very volatile situation. 

I see what you did as a good and loving thing. You kept everyone safe - that makes you the best kind of father.


----------



## Ikaika

heartsbeating said:


> What are your wife's thoughts on how you handled it?
> 
> 
> FWIW I agree with coffee4me.


She was very worried when it was all going down, but she realized after the event that there were few options for us. I was mainly concerned about him hurting himself more than anything else.


----------



## Ikaika

coffee4me said:


> Don't second guess yourself it really sounds like you did the only thing you could do. I'm sure it did not feel good to restrain your son but you did it with love and compassion to prevent harm to all.
> 
> Last year we had an incident in my family that was extremely traumatic. The end result was my son needed to be restrained from physically harming someone (who intended to harm his sister - perfectly normal reaction).
> 
> I thank my lucky stars that my brother is actually still stronger than my son and was able to physically restrain him. He calmed him and diffused a very volatile situation.
> 
> *I see what you did as a good and loving thing. You kept everyone safe - that makes you the best kind of father*.


I did do it in love, and I understand what you are saying and thank you. It just did not feel like I was being the best father to my son at the time. It was just the feeling that he could have been hurt.


----------



## heartsbeating

drerio said:


> She was very worried when it was all going down, but she realized after the event that there were few options for us. I was mainly concerned about him hurting himself more than anything else.


And once again, comments of a loving father.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Ikaika:

strength IN love, strength WITH love


IF there *was* another option, you and Keikko would have thought of it by now. You haven't, so there *was* no better option. You protected EVERYONE (including Kenji); sometimes the best choice is just the least 'bad' choice.

Your sons and wife still love you and appreciate how strong you are physically, mentally, emotionally! You're doing WONDERFULLY! You have the respect of everyone here at TAM!

*HUGS* to the drerio family!


----------



## Ikaika

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Ikaika:
> 
> strength IN love, strength WITH love
> 
> 
> IF there *was* another option, you and Keikko would have thought of it by now. You haven't, so there *was* no better option. You protected EVERYONE (including Kenji); sometimes the *best choice is just the least 'bad' choice.*
> 
> Your sons and wife still love you and appreciate how strong you are physically, mentally, emotionally! You're doing WONDERFULLY! You have the respect of everyone here at TAM!
> 
> *HUGS* to the drerio family!


Thank you. And, yes I think that best describes the whole incident (bold). I am still emotional about it as I write this... hope, I still have hope and with that the encouragement to do as much as I can to help guide him through this world.


----------



## Jellybeans

Sorry to hear about that Dre but it sounds like you did the right thing. You were able to get him to a calm safe and protect everyone, even himself. 

Hugs.


----------



## Ikaika

Jellybeans said:


> Sorry to hear about that Dre but it sounds like you did the right thing. You were able to get him to a calm safe and protect everyone, even himself.
> 
> Hugs.


Thank you for your kind thoughts.


----------



## pidge70

drerio said:


> This last weekend was really tough, a weekend that makes me feel like I have failed as a father.
> 
> I can't even tell you what the trigger was, but something set Kenji off. He had a horrible meltdown. It triggered a violent reaction. He first went after my youngest son then my wife (Kenji has grown bigger than my wife). He had a look in his eyes as if he was not there. I want to say it was not him and possibly was not, but just lost it. I had to restrain him, hold him down physically. He is strong, but fortunately I was able to restrain him. He continued to kick and grab at me. His fingernails drew blood from me and his kicks put a hole in the hallway wall. My wife and youngest son crying and my oldest son pinned down eventually calming down complaining that I was hurting him.
> 
> I sat back after he calmed down and cried. He did not hurt me physically and walls can be patched (I did that yesterday), but somethings can't be healed. I just did not want him to hurt my wife or Ryo or himself. He said "let me go so I can stab myself". I don't know if I could or should have taken it seriously but I didn't want to find out so I kept him pinned down a little longer.
> 
> After it was all over and I cried, I sat with Kenji in his room with him. We sat there on the floor exhausted, not saying a word. Finally we started to talk. I apologized and wanted to know if he was ok. He apologized for the blood he drew and wall. I did not care about that, I felt horrible for possibly hurting him. I held him gently (lovingly) for the next 10 minutes, no more words uttered. My youngest took a shower, crying the whole time. That night we all slept in the same bed (even the dog). I felt horrible, I am a bad father, but I did not know what to do.
> 
> We don't want to put Kenji on medication, however we are scheduled as a family to seek Family counseling starting this Friday and we will see what our options will be. I hope we are doing the right thing.


You are *NOT* a bad father! You are a helluva good man, father and husband! Believe in yourself!

Mana'o'i'o, hilina'i


----------



## CharlieParker

drerio said:


> that night we all slept in the same bed (even the dog).


 you're doing great, now if you could just remember that...


----------



## Coffee Amore

drerio - No one is at fault here. Guilt can be an bottomless hole if you let it consume you. You shouldn't take on blame for yourself when we can see you did what you had to do to stabilize a volatile situation. You're a good father. Keiko is a good mother. You're both doing the best that you can. Ryo is a good brother. Kenji is a good son. Kaia is a good dog. The image of all of you sleeping in the same bed made me smile. 

Sometimes medication is what is needed to gain some control over situations. There's no harm or shame in doing a trial run of a med if that's what you and Keiko think is best.


----------



## Ikaika

After working out this evening, Kenji came up to me and wanted me to flex my biceps. He felt them and said "dad you are strong". I responded by saying "yes, Kenji, but that is not to hurt you. I exercise and stay in shape for your benefit not anything against you." "Heart disease runs in my family and I want to be around for you and your brother as long as I can and I want to protect you if I had to. It is all for you". He smiled and walked away.


----------



## Jellybeans

You sound like a great dad


----------



## LongWalk

Drerio,

I enjoy your posts. You are an uplifting guy. My daughter18 has a handicap. It will always be a challenge. She can cope but it will always be there.

It is great that you can be so friendly on the political threads. I think it helps people that you do not respond to attacks with rancor.


----------



## Ikaika

Jellybeans said:


> You sound like a great dad



Thank you. It does not feel that way sometimes, but I have discovered that it is one of my most important jobs.


----------



## Ikaika

LongWalk said:


> Drerio,
> 
> I enjoy your posts. You are an uplifting guy. My daughter18 has a handicap. It will always be a challenge. She can cope but it will always be there.
> 
> It is great that you can be so friendly on the political threads. I think it helps people that you do not respond to attacks with rancor.



Thank you. And, thank you for sharing about your daughter.


----------



## Ikaika

I am working on doing a "interview" (audio recording) between myself and my son, Kenji, to upload to this thread. I want my son to put into his words some thoughts about his life for those who wish to listen to it.


----------



## Ikaika

So as a family we have been seeing a psychologist twice a month to work through issues, not just for Kenji, but for the entire family dynamics. It really has helped to slowly employ some of the strategies and of course Kenji understands the reasoning behind them. It is our major attempt at tackling all that had been going on but without the pharmaceutical route. We at least want to give this a go before going the way of medication. 

It is always hard when the stress level starts to get high and you have to temporarily step back and try a strategy. It has not been easy, but it is slowly improving. The good news, it has been a while since any major meltdowns like those described earlier. We will continue to chug along with the hope of more stability. I will update with more of our strategic details in the next post.


----------



## angelpixie

Drerio -- I wanted to say hello and tell you that I was thinking of you and your family today. I hope you were able to have a good long weekend with your family, and that things have been continuing on the positive trajectory of your last post. You and your wife are awesome parents; you need never doubt that.


----------



## Ikaika

angelpixie said:


> Drerio -- I wanted to say hello and tell you that I was thinking of you and your family today. I hope you were able to have a good long weekend with your family, and that things have been continuing on the positive trajectory of your last post. You and your wife are awesome parents; you need never doubt that.



Thank you and I hope you too are able to enjoy the long weekend.


----------



## Ikaika

So, we did a short four day "kind of" staycation to Kaua'i. Yes, it did involve a short 30 minute flight from O'ahu to Kaua'i and it did require that we rent a car and book a place to stay, normally at a small cottage out of the way of the typical tourist destinations. But, it always feels like going home since that is where most of my family still lives and where I was raised. 

It was a great time, relatives (like us) who no longer call Kaua'i there permanent place of residence, came "home". So it was time to have family gatherings, which involved of course lots of authentic Hawaiian food. My wife spent one short afternoon tying up lau lau for the imu. However, most of our days were spent at the beach or hiking trails (lots of outdoor activity, as is always the case for Kaua'i). I even borrowed one of my brother's boards to catch a surf session at Pakala beach (like riding a bicycle). I even took my youngest son out to teach him. We did lots of others things that included the whole family, swimming in the ocean closer to shore and fishing (and yes we caught fish). It was a full weekend plus some. It wore all of us out, but in a good way. 

Kenji, had a great time, but by the time we were ready to go, he was tired and likely overly stimulated. We normally check in at the airport during lull times, that is we check the flight schedule and anticipate most people arrive around 75 to 60 minutes prior to any flight. So, understanding the schedule is important for us and we look at a 120 - 90 minute window so that the check in at the kiosk and security stations are not populated with too many people. However, we did little to prepare him, since I was able to get all on the *pre-TSA approved list* which meant *not* taking off of foot ware as is normally required. My son instinctively took off his shoes, and to top it off his number came up to randomly check him. Wow, thank you TSA  We did at that point tell them he was autistic and thus they then asked us lots of approval questions and whether he would cooperate with certain procedures. I said yes, but that still did not sit well with him and all this new stuff just overwhelmed him. I also did not do respond well as I tried to hurry him along through TSAs procedures (he needs time to process new things). He lost it. When we got through the last of the screening, he had a full No Hold Bar ASD meltdown. Now for those of you who are not familiar, ASD kids don't do meltdowns to manipulate parents, they don't try to get something from or to key in on getting parents to change their immediate actions. The cool down procedure is best facilitated by placing the individual in a quiet place for them to reset their mind. Of course no place like that truly exist in an airport setting. And, no giving or taking away things helps and often will make it worse since it is more stimuli and added stress. Anyways at that immediate moment, *it was not good*. We did attract the attention of security, which in an airport is never a good deal. We had cards that we handed out to the security in the surrounding area. A few of them rolled their eyes, but one guy got it and understood. Told the others to leave and he helped us through the situation. Finally 15 minute prior to boarding my son was back to his self and all was good. BTW, we did thank that security guard, got his name and I plan on writing a favorable letter on his behalf. 

I am sure it was just a combination of things (long weekend of lots of activities and people - family but still a lot of them) and the new TSA procedures that were placed on him. This morning when the boys were still sleeping my wife and I did a debriefing to figure out what we could have done and where it all went wrong to again not place ourselves in that situation again. As always, it comes back to one big thing, spending the time to prepare Kenji for how things were going to proceed at the airport even before we get there. A tough lesson to learn and as always a humbling experience to just have me realize I have so much more to learn about being a dad.


----------



## COGypsy

Just remember, it's difficult to prepare for every possible scenario and when you try, you get to a point of diminishing returns.

And while I _know_ this wasn't meant to be your takeaway from the story... my id is doing a thousand fist pumps and a pretty stunning happy dance for Kenji. He got to have the meltdown that every single air traveler since 2001 has WANTED to have in TSA's general direction! 

I know it was difficult to deal with and stressful for all....but for just a moment today, Kenji is my Hero!! :smthumbup:


----------



## skype

Kaua'i is my favorite island. We have a framed photo in our hall of our hike along a trail on the Napali coast.

You handled this as well as you possibly could, Drerio. Travel is stressful for everyone. Blessings to you and your family.


----------



## CharlieParker

COGypsy said:


> Just remember, it's difficult to prepare for every possible scenario and when you try, you get to a point of diminishing returns.



And it's impossible with the TSA's seemingly random and ever changing procedures, it still suck even for seasoned travellers. So all in all well done.


----------



## OldGirl

drerio said:


> ...but one guy got it and understood. Told the others to leave and he helped us through the situation. Finally 15 minute prior to boarding my son was back to his self and all was good. BTW, we did thank that security guard, got his name and I plan on writing a favorable letter on his behalf.
> 
> A tough lesson to learn and as always a humbling experience to just have me realize I have so much more to learn about being a dad.


It's a shame that people with common sense and decency are so rare that they stand out when you come across them. 

You're always too hard on yourself, Drerio. Charlie's right; it's hard to prepare when everything's constantly changing.


----------



## Ikaika

The last three nights I have been able to get all of maybe nine hours of sleep combined. The brain of a child with ASD is a curious thing, Kenji can get so very little sleep at night and yet function during the day. He has these times when he is awake and insist on someone else being awake with him. I know we should just look into medication for our own sanity, but then what. A lifetime of cycling off of one medication to the next so he can sleep, so we can sleep? I don't know. I just don't know.


----------



## Coffee Amore

I missed your update about the trip to Kauai. It sounds like you and your wife did the best you could. Sometimes things happen despite the best planning. 

As for sleeping, how about something like magnesium or GABA before bed time? You could try a low dose of melatonin too. I find 3 mg of melatonin knocks me out. I've only used it a handful of times, but it sure works. All three are over the counter supplements.


----------



## Ikaika

Coffee Amore said:


> I missed your update about the trip to Kauai. It sounds like you and your wife did the best you could. Sometimes things happen despite the best planning.
> 
> 
> 
> As for sleeping, how about something like magnesium or GABA before bed time? You could try a low dose of melatonin too. I find 3 mg of melatonin knocks me out. I've only used it a handful of times, but it sure works. All three are over the counter supplements.



We tried the melatonin a few years back. I think I'm willing to go back to Down to Earth (store) to pick some up again this week. It definitely is worth another try.


----------



## LongWalk

Does a hot bath slow him down?


----------



## Ikaika

LongWalk said:


> Does a hot bath slow him down?



He is not hyperactive, he is unable, in his words, to "shut his mind down". So, that does not appear part of the equation.


----------



## Ikaika

Oh boy, Kenji.  We knew this day would come and it is one we dread. Kenji can't explain it but he finds some girls cute. I know, this sounds normal but you have to remember his situation. With his disability, his likelihood of female companionship is slim. 

So we have to be proactive in teaching some serious boundaries. It is already a challenge, now his hormones are raging. 

I do feel bad for him but what can I do?


----------



## EnjoliWoman

That is a tough one. Poor guy is about to hit a time in his life that is super confusing for ANY teen. Then again, maybe he does eventually meet a young women in similar circumstances and they 'get' each other.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Drerio, you have done a wonderful job. Not only do you focus on the positives and Kenji's strengths more than his weaknesses, you also really try to understand and mentally shift into his space. He's tapping into areas of his brain that scientists struggle to learn how to access.

It's admirable that you don't just medicate or address the symptoms but really try to work from a point of understanding.

So not the same thing, but having a sister with CP that occurred during birth really made me take parenthood seriously. It really frustrates me when I flip past some of these teen Mom shows. what they don't understand that I always have is that healthy, developmentally normal babies are NOT a guarantee. Having a child means accepting a level of risk that your child might have autism, down's syndrome, CP, spina bifida... any number of issues that can require lifetime care. And these kids just don't get it. My parents have never had a single vacation by themselves. In fact the only time they had a night alone were the few times sis was in the hospital.

You take your job as a father very seriously and I admire that. Also the way you work with your wife. For some couples it's so stressful it tears them apart. It seems you and your wife decided you are in this together. Kenji is lucky to have you two.


----------



## RedRose14

Drerio, I agree with everything Enjoli has said. I don't know anything about Autism, but you and your wife are utterly committed to doing the very best for Kenji and you envelop him in love and support, and as such, anything is possible. It is possible for Kenji to have a relationship, with love, support and understanding.

We have lots of programmes on the tv about autism over here, I don't know whether you get many in Hawaii, but there is more and more being done to understand autism and to support people living with autism.

Your post reminded me of a programme I saw a while back on BBC, you may be able to get it on BBC I player, it was called The Autistic Me. In the programme one young chap does fall head over heels for an autistic girl. Here is an article about the programme.

TV Review: The Autistic Me – One Year On - The Scotsman


----------



## Almostrecovered

since the intellectual and emotionally maturity are immature then use language about sexual boundaries and privacy that he would understand


----------



## Ikaika

Thank you everyone. We are far from perfect parents and we often feel quite the opposite. We try as best we can. 

Thank you for the link RedRose


----------



## LongWalk

Tough


----------



## Ikaika

So, my son has almost no understanding on how to make friends and while there are a number of well meaning social groups in town, most are, what I feel, not designed to increase his social skills. Yes, talking and communication is essential, but even autistic boys socialize through "doing" rather than talking.

So come this next year, I'm going to start a video game club for other like-minded Aspergers and high functioning autistic boys (mainly) as a means of socialization. I may look to get some funding to have neutral location to meet (starting twice a month). We will how this goes.


----------



## Ikaika

My wife and Kenji are going to visit some families less fortunate than ours to help wrap their presents for tomorrow. We have tried to teach him to give back.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

I haven't been following every post...but wow.. . what a great example you set for your son... you go all out to brighten his life , getting him involved... for that social interaction...and what a great example you set before him... Kenji has been richly blessed..


----------



## Ikaika

So, every Friday now (since I have no teaching or research obligations for work on that day) I have been working on my book. It is a book put into the voice of my youngest son in his relationship with his autistic brother. I'm working on a chapter that requires some research of its own. A chapter that is about actual individuals who overcame great odds (mostly physical disabilities) to do well for themselves and some who made great contributions to society. It is a very humbling experience to read and research about the lives of some of these people. Not all will make it into the book, but wow. It is awe inspiring to say the least.


----------



## Anonymous07

Ikaika said:


> So, every Friday now (since I have no teaching or research obligations for work on that day) I have been working on my book. It is a book put into the voice of my youngest son in his relationship with his autistic brother. I'm working on a chapter that requires some research of its own. A chapter that is about actual individuals who overcame great odds (mostly physical disabilities) to do well for themselves and some who made great contributions to society. It is a very humbling experience to read and research about the lives of some of these people. Not all will make it into the book, but wow. It is awe inspiring to say the least.


Glad to hear you are still working on the book.  You've done so much for both of your sons and they are lucky to have you. 

I have a friend who made it on the Katie Couric show for what she overcame as someone living with a medical condition. Her condition is much worse than my own and she has always been so positive. I'm amazed by those people because I struggled a lot with depression for quite a while.


----------



## Ikaika

Kenji competed in the powerlifting events this last Saturday at the Special Olympic regionals. Events: squats, bench press and deadlifts. He took second place in each and second overall. Next up state finals, the top three from each region compete, so he is in for that event. Actually every one who is the regional will participate, just that they will not compete for state titles. If he gets the top three at the state, he can qualify for nationals. 

The kid is strong.


----------



## Ikaika

Puberty and ASD does not mix well. 

Kenji has started to some serious anger issues, and sometimes about things that just pop into his head. He has also become more repulsed by physical touch as he gets older. He used to let me at least hold him briefly. But, now if I just brush him it is a major incident. Last week, I touched his arm and he rubbed and scratched the area till it bled. 

These new struggles are intense and difficult at times. I really need patience. 

State Special Olympics this weekend.


----------



## MountainRunner

Ikaika said:


> Puberty and ASD does not mix well.
> 
> Kenji has started to some serious anger issues, and sometimes about things that just pop into his head. He has also become more repulsed by physical touch as he gets older. He used to let me at least hold him briefly. But, now if I just brush him it is a major incident. Last week, I touched his arm and he rubbed and scratched the area till it bled.
> 
> *These new struggles are intense and difficult at times. I really need patience.*
> 
> State Special Olympics this weekend.


They are. I have cared for many troubled teens as if they were my own. I feel for you my friend. I wish there were some magic words to make your job easier, but all I can say is...

"Love them. Care for them. Show them through example, and most importantly....stay the course."

I wish you success.


----------



## Ikaika

State Special Olympic Games today and tomorrow: powerlifting 

Squats 
Bench
Dead lift
Combos


----------



## Ikaika

Gold medal in squats in his weight class.

Silver medal in bench press in his weight class. 

The director gave my son an application to join a more competitive power lifting league.


----------



## Coffee Amore

Congratulations to him!! That's wonderful. How's Kenji taking it? Is he blase about the whole thing? :grin2:


----------



## Ikaika

Coffee Amore said:


> Congratulations to him!! That's wonderful. How's Kenji taking it? Is he blase about the whole thing? :grin2:



Well, funny thing is he is good at it but says he is not that interested in the whole thing. He has good form and he is strong. But, happy he won.


----------



## Ikaika

I'm signing Kenji up... State competition is in August and they have a special Olympian class. The top competitors qualify for regionals in Las Vegas in November. Dad is hyped :grin2:

http://wabdl.org


----------



## Ikaika

Weight class:
Silver for deadlifts
Silver for combo

He was sandbagging, he can lift more.


----------



## Ikaika

I realized I could start a whole new inquiry thread, but I figured it would be easier to just tack my question onto this existing one given it is directly related to Kenji. So, sleep has always been an issue for Kenji. I know there are pharmaceutical ways to deal with this issue, but we just want to explore every avenue before we go down that route. He has said what often what wakes him up (in the middle of the night) is the light leaking in from outside his room and occasional noises that drift in. I have some acoustic panels in his room and will probably buy more. I painted his room a relatively dark color to absorb any light coming in. I could buy him the same acoustic curtains I have in my music room but that is a large investment. I am wondering if anyone is aware of or has used any particular brand of curtains that block light and most sounds. I have found a few online but I don't get any impression on quality. Anyone have any brand to recommend or experience with this type of window dressing? 

I don't know if anyone ever reads this thread any longer (I don't blame you if you don't)... just thought I would try here first.


----------



## LovesHerMan

We have room-darkening blinds from Penneys that are very effective at blocking light. They are on sale today online for 50% off. 

http://www.jcpenney.com/jcpenney-ho...rset=UTF-8&colorizedImg=0900631B81DD8B0AM.tif

Use the online code HRY2SAV at check-out. If your window dimensions do not match their specifications, order ones to go outside the window frame.


----------



## Ikaika

LovesHerMan said:


> We have room-darkening blinds from Penneys that are very effective at blocking light. They are on sale today online for 50% off.
> 
> 
> 
> http://www.jcpenney.com/jcpenney-ho...rset=UTF-8&colorizedImg=0900631B81DD8B0AM.tif
> 
> 
> 
> Use the online code HRY2SAV at check-out. If your window dimensions do not match their specifications, order ones to go outside the window frame.



Thank you.


----------



## Ikaika

Kenji has a fascination with drawing Anime characters. He spends hours drawing one character after another. He won't let me take a pic right now, but I can tell you he is getting pretty good.


----------



## Coffee Amore

Whatever you do don't get the blackout curtains from Target. They still let in a dim glow although they are better than regular curtains. 

I'm thrilled to hear Kenji is fascinated with Anime. You know there's a local comic-con coming to your neck of the woods in September. Maybe he'd like to go with you? Groupon has a special now where the tickets are $14.


----------



## Ikaika

Coffee Amore said:


> Whatever you do don't get the blackout curtains from Target. They still let in a dim glow although they are better than regular curtains.
> 
> I'm thrilled to hear Kenji is fascinated with Anime. You know there's a local comic-con coming to your neck of the woods in September. Maybe he'd like to go with you? Groupon has a special now where the tickets are $14.



I asked him about it, comic-con, he made no comment, so not sure he is interested. I did by him a quality set of drawing pencils and acid free (recycled paper) sketch pad. He is working away. 

I think art may be in his blood. It would not be too surprising since my BIL and SIL are both artists. 

Thank on the blackout certain advice.


----------



## Ikaika

Yes, here in the islands the 2015-2016 school year has begun. Kenji returns tomorrow. This year brings new challenges since he is not on a diploma track. He will be dividing his day between school and job sites. It also means his school day is more like a work (in hours) day.


----------



## Lila

I've been catching up on this thread and just wanted to thank you for sharing your son's journey @Ikaika. Your description of daily life with an autistic child is a testament to the strong bonds created by love between a parent and a child. 

I noticed that you kept mentioning Kenji's need for little sleep. Have you learned more about that? I've heard about people who require very little sleep to function and they suffer no ill effects. I saw a documentary once (on NOVA IIRC) where they interviewed people who hardly ever slept. I found this link which explains this phenomena. The Mystery of Sleep and the lucky few who don?t need it ? Mind Update 

You've mentioned before that Kenji hears things sometimes and this one particular paragraph stood out to me specifically the bold sentence: 



> _Other genetic variants can play a role in sleep as well. Michel Jouvet, famous neuroscientist and sleep researcher, once studied a 27 year old man with Morvan’s fibrillary chorea, a genetic disorder that kept him from sleeping. He went months without sleep, yet did not suffer any negative consequences associated with sleep depravation. However, *instead of sleep, his nights were full of dream-like hallucinations. Perhaps he did not reach a state of sleep as we know it, but his body found a way to compensate somehow, and work around his genetic differences*._


Could Kenji have the gene that keeps him from needing more that 3 or 4 hours sleep?


----------



## Ikaika

Lila said:


> I've been catching up on this thread and just wanted to thank you for sharing your son's journey @Ikaika. Your description of daily life with an autistic child is a testament to the strong bonds created by love between a parent and a child.
> 
> I noticed that you kept mentioning Kenji's need for little sleep. Have you learned more about that? I've heard about people who require very little sleep to function and they suffer no ill effects. I saw a documentary once (on NOVA IIRC) where they interviewed people who hardly ever slept. I found this link which explains this phenomena. The Mystery of Sleep and the lucky few who don?t need it ? Mind Update
> 
> You've mentioned before that Kenji hears things sometimes and this one particular paragraph stood out to me specifically the bold sentence:
> 
> 
> 
> Could Kenji have the gene that keeps him from needing more that 3 or 4 hours sleep?



We have never ran any genetic tests on Kenji. He does seem to function ok on less sleep. There evidence that ASD individuals suffer more frequently from insomnia than the average neurotypical individual. Although it is possible he may have an undiagnosed genetic problem.


----------



## Ikaika

Kenji starts school tomorrow. He is stressed and making us stressed out. It can be so damn hard at times.


----------



## Ikaika

One of Kenji's former special Olympian teammates was on a worksite, picking up cones for road construction crew and was critically injured on the job. It really sucks. 

He was employed and doing so well and in one selfish moment he lost both of his legs. He had his legs dangling from the back of a flat bed as he was picking up the cones at the end of the work day. Then out of no where a car came speeding up behind the truck as the driver of the car was trying to get away from a hit and run accident. The driver of the car slammed into the truck and trapped both legs of Kenji's teammates. This really sucks. It's bad enough these kids are born with a mental deficit and to have this happen just is crappy.


----------



## CharlieParker

Oh fvck, sorry to hear that.


----------



## Coffee Amore

Ikaika said:


> One of Kenji's former special Olympian teammates was on a worksite, picking up cones for road construction crew and was critically injured on the job. It really sucks.
> 
> He was employed and doing so well and in one selfish moment he lost both of his legs. He had his legs dangling from the back of a flat bed as he was picking up the cones at the end of the work day. Then out of no where a car came speeding up behind the truck as the driver of the car was trying to get away from a hit and run accident. The driver of the car slammed into the truck and trapped both legs of Kenji's teammates. This really sucks. It's bad enough these kids are born with a mental deficit and to have this happen just is crappy.


Oh no! Do you know how Kenji's friend is doing?


----------



## Ikaika

Coffee Amore said:


> Oh no! Do you know how Kenji's friend is doing?



From what I gather he is still in ICU.


----------



## Ikaika

Kenji on the other hand starts his training today in how to conduct himself at job sites. He starts visiting various job sites twice a week this semester starting next week.


----------



## Ikaika

To put my son on medication is the dilemma we face. I don't really want to, but his eradicate and what appears delusional behavior is beginning to wear on me especially. And, at night he can't shut down and ends up with very little sleep. This means we, wife and I, have to take turns as he cannot be trusted to be awake on his own. 

I'm worn out.


----------



## CharlieParker

Sorry. My heart goes out to you all.


----------



## LongWalk

Hard to read about your troubles.


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## jld

I'm so sorry. I can only imagine the challenges you must constantly face.


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## Ikaika

He was suspended today and tomorrow for behavior the school deemed a risk to others. I did not inquire any further and they, the school, will not divulge more than is needed to reduce any of their litigative risk. I do understand. Bottom line his aggressive and delusional behavior is affecting his life now and for any possible future.


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## Ikaika

I don't know what to do, Kenji put my wife in the ER, ugh. More later.


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## jld

Again, so sorry, Ikaika.


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## Ikaika

jld said:


> Again, so sorry, Ikaika.



Wife has a broken nose, finger and facial laceration. My son, Kenji, had a delusional outburst and started to attack our younger son. My wife tried to intervene even though our younger son can handle himself. 

I think he, Kenji, thought our younger son said something to him.

This is our life now that he is getting older.


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## LongWalk

Sorry
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika

As a family we are going to see a psychiatrist next week.


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## jld

Ikaika said:


> Wife has a broken nose, finger and facial laceration. My son, Kenji, had a delusional outburst and started to attack our younger son. My wife tried to intervene even though our younger son can handle himself.
> 
> I think he, Kenji, thought our younger son said something to him.
> 
> This is our life now that he is getting older.


Your poor wife. 

Ikaika, we have some friends in Denmark whose autistic son transitioned from their home to a group home nearby. He seems very happy there. Would this be something you might consider for the future?


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## Woodchuck

Ikaika said:


> Kenji has a fascination with drawing Anime characters. He spends hours drawing one character after another. He won't let me take a pic right now, but I can tell you he is getting pretty good.


I saw his self portrait in an earlier post. I think he has a remarkable talent. Have you ever considered that he might be able to use his art to become self supporting?

If you eventually put him on medications, be sure to keep in mind the various side effects, dystonia and Tardive dyskinesia being some of the more troublesome ...Many of the older drugs have fewer side effects and are just as effective... 

Here's hoping for a 21st century Andy Warhol, or Temple Grandin..


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## Ikaika

jld said:


> Your poor wife.
> 
> 
> 
> Ikaika, we have some friends in Denmark whose autistic son transitioned from their home to a group home nearby. He seems very happy there. Would this be something you might consider for the future?



We don't have group homes like that here. But thank you. After we got home the police showed up to start a report. It's the law based on showing up to the ER. Ugh


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## Ikaika

My youngest has a basketball game right now


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## Ikaika

X-rays came back, my wife's break is pretty bad. It did not just break, the bone shattered. I'm taking her for a orthopedic consultation tomorrow. It's likely she may need surgery, put pins in otherwise as the bone heals it may shorten the ligamentous tissue around the joints. This would limit her range of movement in that finger.


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## jld

Ikaika said:


> X-rays came back, my wife's break is pretty bad. It did not just break, the bone shattered. I'm taking her for a orthopedic consultation tomorrow. It's likely she may need surgery, put pins in otherwise as the bone heals it may shorten the ligamentous tissue around the joints. This would limit her range of movement in that finger.


Oh, dear.


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## Ikaika

I stayed home from work today (which is rare) to take care of her. In sickness and in health. We both pretty sappy that way.


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## Ikaika

I was trying to figure out my wife's other symptoms. I suspect she also suffered a concussion.


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## jld

Ikaika said:


> I was trying to figure out my wife's other symptoms. I suspect she also suffered a concussion.


Ikaika, this is all pretty serious. What is your plan for preventing similar injury in the future?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika

jld said:


> Ikaika, this is all pretty serious. What is your plan for preventing similar injury in the future?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Well we have an appointment with a psychiatrist next week. I'm hoping we can get Kenji on medication.


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## TBT

So sorry to see you and the family going through this and I hope your wife is feeling better and will be alright in the long term. I know how very important family is to you Ikaika,and I sincerely wish that you find all the strength you will need going forward. Take care.


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## Ikaika

TBT said:


> So sorry to see you and the family going through this and I hope your wife is feeling better and will be alright in the long term. I know how very important family is to you Ikaika,and I sincerely wish that you find all the strength you will need going forward. Take care.



Thank you.

So, my son, Kenji, last night started crying and went on with "he wished he would have never been born". I know teenagers say these things, but that is not what jolted me it was a brief moment I had (my own personal thoughts) when I agreed. I did not express this back to him. But, I actually agreed in my own thoughts. I could not sleep last night feeling guilty that I should even think this way. 

Of course, I don't agree in hind site. No matter what he is my son and I love him. I'm a terrible father.


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## jld

Ikaika said:


> Thank you.
> 
> So, my son, Kenji, last night started crying and went on with "he wished he would have never been born". I know teenagers say these things, but that is not what jolted me it was a brief moment I had (my own personal thoughts) when I agreed. I did not express this back to him. But, I actually agreed in my own thoughts. I could not sleep last night feeling guilty that I should even think this way.
> 
> Of course, I don't agree in hind site. No matter what he is my son and I love him. I'm a terrible father.


Ikaika, come on. You are a wonderful father. Having an autistic child is a tremendous challenge. I am in awe of every parent out there who faces challenges like yours.

You cannot beat up on yourself. Your thoughts are surely normal--all of them. And we all know you love your family with all your heart.


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## ExiledBayStater

Ikaika said:


> Thank you.
> 
> So, my son, Kenji, last night started crying and went on with "he wished he would have never been born". I know teenagers say these things, but that is not what jolted me it was a brief moment I had (my own personal thoughts) when I agreed. I did not express this back to him. But, I actually agreed in my own thoughts. I could not sleep last night feeling guilty that I should even think this way.
> 
> Of course, I don't agree in hind site. No matter what he is my son and I love him. I'm a terrible father.


Everyone has horrible, improper thoughts at some point, that if we're good people, scare the hell out of us. It's a universal experience. That's why we learn to filter what we verbalize. It's clear that your children mean the world to you.


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## Ikaika

The tough thing in a about a year and half we have to petition the courts to essentially have power of attorney over him. I just find this disheartening but absolutely necessary.


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## jld

Ikaika said:


> The tough thing in a about a year and half we have to petition the courts to essentially have power of attorney over him. I just find this disheartening but absolutely necessary.


Sorry, I do not understand. Does this mean he becomes a ward of the court?


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## Ikaika

jld said:


> Sorry, I do not understand. Does this mean he becomes a ward of the court?



When he is 18, he remain our responsibility, same as a minor.


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## jld

Ikaika said:


> When he is 18, he remain our responsibility, same as a minor.


That seems normal. Why do you find it "disheartening but absolutely necessary"?


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## Ikaika

jld said:


> That seems normal. Why do you find it "disheartening but absolutely necessary"?



I guess it goes to every parents dream for the child. It also means as we get older we have to find a place for him.


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## OldGirl

Drerio (you'll always be Drerio to me) I can't really add much of anything to what everyone else has already said except to say that you and your family are in my thoughts and in OldGuy's prayers. I'm so sorry you're going through this


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## Ikaika

OldGirl said:


> Drerio (you'll always be Drerio to me) I can't really add much of anything to what everyone else has already said except to say that you and your family are in my thoughts and in OldGuy's prayers. I'm so sorry you're going through this



Thank you


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## karole

Just read your thread after your referral here on my thread about my daughter. Very eye opening. I'm very sorry for your situation. My heart goes out to you and your family. I hope your wife is healing and feeling better.


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## Ikaika

karole said:


> Just read your thread after your referral here on my thread about my daughter. Very eye opening. I'm very sorry for your situation. My heart goes out to you and your family. I hope your wife is healing and feeling better.



Thank you. My wife is getting better. 


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## Ikaika

He smiled today:

It is not so much that Kenji simply smiled but that he smiled at something I said to to him. In others words he responded to me in a positive way. So, on this eve of Thanksgiving, I am thankful for this moment. He still will not allow me or anyone else to touch him. How someone can go through life without the touch of another human being is one that still puzzles me. I grew in a touchy feely culture and I just have difficulty that I cannot hug my son. But, today, I am still thankful that he smiled at me, a gift and I will cherish it more than any tangible or monetary gift anyone could give me. It is a good day.


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## karole

((Hugs)))


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## Anonymous07

Ikaika said:


> Thank you.
> 
> So, my son, Kenji, last night started crying and went on with "he wished he would have never been born". I know teenagers say these things, but that is not what jolted me it was a brief moment I had (my own personal thoughts) when I agreed. I did not express this back to him. But, I actually agreed in my own thoughts. I could not sleep last night feeling guilty that I should even think this way.
> 
> Of course, I don't agree in hind site. No matter what he is my son and I love him. I'm a terrible father.


You are not a terrible father. 

No parent wants to see their child suffer or live a life that is challenging. We want to see our children experience the best of life and get to live a "normal" life without issues. It is extremely tough to watch your child struggle. I know my own mother has had similar thoughts and I honestly don't blame her. She's had to watch me go through multiple surgeries(lost count), struggle with depression, be bullied, and so on. I know that is not easy at all. I myself have had to watch my own son struggle with health issues, even seeing him stop breathing at one time when he was an infant, and it has brought me to my knees. Parental guilt is hard, but you're doing a great job with him. You are being the best dad you can be. Don't let the guilt get to you. 



Ikaika said:


> He smiled today:
> 
> It is not so much that Kenji simply smiled but that he smiled at something I said to to him. In others words he responded to me in a positive way. So, on this eve of Thanksgiving, I am thankful for this moment. He still will not allow me or anyone else to touch him. How someone can go through life without the touch of another human being is one that still puzzles me. I grew in a touchy feely culture and I just have difficulty that I cannot hug my son. But, today, I am still thankful that he smiled at me, a gift and I will cherish it more than any tangible or monetary gift anyone could give me. It is a good day.


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## jld

Happy Belated Birthday, Ikaika! Just saw the posts in the dinner thread!

And post #222 was beautiful!


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## jld

How are things, Ikaika?


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## Ikaika

jld said:


> How are things, Ikaika?



Things have calmed down and we are having family counseling once every other week. Thank you for asking. 


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## Ikaika

We meet with a job counselor next Monday. We are hoping when Kenji finishes his secondary (high school) education, he will be able to work at the Navy Exchange, Marine Corps Base Hawai'i. 


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## heartsbeating

Is he excited about that?


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## Ikaika

heartsbeating said:


> Is he excited about that?



He is, although there are still challenges afoot. 


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## Ikaika

Just reflecting back through the years during this holiday season. I don't exactly remember what year this was but it was a younger and simpler time. 

Kenji in front of the Christmas Tree



He was fascinated with the tree. He sat there look at it for a looong time:



His brother, Ryo got in on the act:





This is dad, just remember when they were young. I do kind of miss those times. They are now 14 and 16.


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## Ikaika

Tradition:

We picked up our tree earlier today. We are decorating and next follows the movie "Christmas with the Kranks". 


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## Ikaika

So just before New Years Kenji had his two lower wisdom teeth removed. All went well except that he has not been comfortable through the recovery. He has to have the two uppers removed next. 


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## karole

You have two gorgeous boys! Hope Kenji does well with his surgery, Ikaika.


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## Ikaika

We are moving toward the more legal parts of Kenji's life. He will be 17 this year which means we hire an attorney to get rights of guardianship over education, medical and finances when he reaches 18. 

All the things to think about when you have a special needs child. Meeting with a lawyer next week. 


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## Ikaika

April 23rd - Kenji participates in regional, Special Olympics, powerlifting, hoping he can beat his lifts from last year. 


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## Ikaika

Special Olympics powerlifting 

Oldest son - squats



First lift 135 lbs
Second 145 lbs
Third 150 lbs


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## Ikaika

Bench press (weakest event):

Best lift 95


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## Ikaika

Deadlifts:

135
145
160


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## jld

Ikaika said:


> Deadlifts:
> 
> 135
> 145
> 160
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That sounds really good, Ikaika. He should be proud of himself.


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## Ikaika

Kenji is getting a job after school get out in late May. It is 30 hours a week and pays $10/hour. We are thrilled. 


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## Ikaika

Two great things:

This Saturday Kenji will be competing in his third state games. He has gotten a lot stronger and will be more competitive this year.

He starts work at a local restaurant this next Monday. Yay


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## brooklynAnn

You must be so proud. Your son sounds like an amazing young man. It's all because of the support you and your family gave to him. Lots of hugs.


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## Ikaika

Not Kenji but his brother, first year playing Varsity Basketball:

Player Name: Ryo (Kenji’s Brother)
Game Name: Home vs. Away
We were the home team, but lost down the stretch. 17 lead changes until their hot shooter hit five 3-pointers down the stretch. And, we turned it over five times in that same stretch. 

Game Date (mm-dd-yyyy): 12-14-2017
Game Status: L 51-44
Player Position: Shooting Guard
2 Pt Field Goals: 6 of 9 (0.667)
3 Pt Goals: 0 of 0 (0)
Free Throws: 0 of 2 (0)
Total Points: 12
Rebounds: 2 Off + 1 Def = 3 Total
Assists: 0
Steals: 2
Blocks: 0
Fouls: 2
Turnovers: 3

Notes:


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## CharlieParker

Did you ever get a video camera?

And somebody’s got to work on those free throws. No matte what, fun was had, I assume.


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## Ikaika

CharlieParker said:


> Did you ever get a video camera?
> 
> 
> 
> And somebody’s got to work on those free throws. No matte what, fun was had, I assume.




I have a camera, but now I’m busy keeping stats... should have my wife do one or the other. 

He has to keep his turn overs to less or equal to steals. 


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## Ikaika

Player Name: Ryo (Kenji’s Brother)
Game Name: Home vs. Away


Game Date (mm-dd-yyyy): 12-15-2017
Game Status: Win 50-37
Player Position: Shooting Guard
2 Pt Field Goals: 1 of 3 (0.333)
3 Pt Goals: 0 of 1 (0)
Free Throws: 0 of 4 (0)
Total Points: 2
Rebounds: 0 Off + 1 Def = 1 Total
Assists: 1
Steals: 3
Blocks: 0
Fouls: 2
Turnovers: 1

Notes: What is not on the stats - Ryo shutdown their premier scorer. Ryo dogged him all night long and their premier scorer eventually fouled out with 2:00 in the fourth down by 10. The night before their premier scorer, scored 32 pts., tonight he had 10. 


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## Ikaika

Kenji is coming up on his 19th birthday and because of the IDEA laws, he can remain in secondary (public school) till his 22nd birthday. 

In the meantime we are trying to get him qualified for Medicaid services so he can learn some independent living skills. The hope is that someday he can live in a semi-independent living facility. We know he will always need some level of support but the requirements are just strange. And, through a agency known as DVR he is learning working skills. He has a summer job and will probably spend more time on work sites next school year than in a classroom (full self contained classroom). 

While the state clinical psychologist (who recently evaluated him) designated in his report the severity of his mental disability, he also noted that he, Kenji, has a IQ of 82. That single score may disqualify him from any and all services after he leaves HS. It is thoroughly frustrating. 


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## CharlieParker

Argh, sorry to hear that, frustrating is a rather mild word, I’m sure other F words have been uttered. Stay ikaika my friend.


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## Ikaika

CharlieParker said:


> Argh, sorry to hear that, frustrating is a rather mild word, I’m sure other F words have been uttered. Stay ikaika my friend.



Just more to deal with. Next we need to get lawyer to help us navigate guardianship. The fun never ends. 

But, all in all, we are blessed other families deal with a lot more grief. 


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## Ikaika

Kenji is 19 today. 


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## Ikaika

CharlieParker said:


> Argh, sorry to hear that, frustrating is a rather mild word, I’m sure other F words have been uttered. Stay ikaika my friend.




Here is what we think is going on. There are a lot of severely disabled adult getting access to the system. And, for good reason there is a priority to serve them ahead of someone like Kenji. However, there is also the likelihood Kenji is being served (or not served) based on this comparative analysis rather than treating his case individually. 

Yes, he can live with us for years to come maybe even for more than a decade. But, this may not serve him well because at some point he needs to gain independence from us. If it is an 11th hour independence, he may end up in less than optimal circumstances for the rest of his life. 

I wish we had unlimited resources that could serve him till his death, but we don’t. 


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## Ikaika

Developmental Disabilities Dept told us now that Kenji does not qualify for any services to help him with his independence because “he can catch public transportation unassisted”. Geez, do they know how long it took us to achieve that feat? 

I think after my youngest son graduates from HS, I may just retire to work with Kenji to work with him myself to work toward his independence. There is so much more about independence than catching a bus to and from work. 


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## brooklynAnn

My sister is going thru something similar and its very confusing. My niece is now at home doing nothing because there is nothing more to be done. So, my sister is teaching her to cook, care for herself etc. My sister worry about her all the time.

We might inherit her, which is ok if anything happens to them.


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## Ikaika

brooklynAnn said:


> My sister is going thru something similar and its very confusing. My niece is now at home doing nothing because there is nothing more to be done. So, my sister is teaching her to cook, care for herself etc. My sister worry about her all the time.
> 
> 
> 
> We might inherit her, which is ok if anything happens to them.




It is frustrating. When people ask me what I worry about, I worry about after we (my wife and I) are gone, that my son is left to fend for himself, homeless and vulnerable to worst of society. 

I know we (my wife and I) are not alone in these struggles. And, realize we are blessed and don’t have as tough as others. But, the struggle and worry is all the same. I can totally emphasize with your sister. 


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## brooklynAnn

That's my sister's main concern. She had a part time job in a bakery for about a year then, some of the people she liked working with left and that was it. She did not want to work there anymore. So, now she is home sleeping away the morning and cleaning the house at 12 midnight. My sister has to hide the vacumn and she can polish to her heart's content.

My cousin's daughter is in the same boat. She has to pay for everything because she is a single mum. She has had to pay for all the therapy and caregiver. Because she does not qualify not any service, she is a bright girl but still a child mentally with alot of handicaps. Now that she is over 18, the dad that did not want her after birth now wants her. He wanted to have her placed at one of those places and forget about her. Now that she has made so much progress he wants her and maybe to get his hand on the trust fund her grandfather left for the baby. So, my cousin have to spend thousands in court and lawyer fees to show she is a fit mother. 

Life sure does not get easier.


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## Ikaika

Kenji enjoying rainbow flavored shave ice on a hot day in Mānoa. 


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## Ikaika

Wow, there is a 10 year waiting list to get adult assisted (independent) living for Kenji. There are just too few services and locations for this population of adults in need. 

Just another page in the journey. 


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## Ikaika

My youngest, not Kenji, got two official offers - partial (athletic) scholarships: one in Oregon the other a smaller school in Missouri. 


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## brooklynAnn

Congrats. It's that time already? Pick the school that will serves him the best and that he feels comfortable being at. Best of luck.


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## Ikaika

Youngest son, not Kenji, graduated from HS this last Saturday. He went to a small private school, only 30 in their class. For their graduation, the school allowed them to walk through the campus one last time and stop at stations to collect leis and award (all while faculty and staff maintained physical distancing). It was a great ceremony given the circumstances. They used a robot built by a math faculty member to deliver the diploma. 

Next stop (this August), WSU.


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## EleGirl

Ikaika said:


> Youngest son, not Kenji, graduated from HS this last Saturday. He went to a small private school, only 30 in their class. For their graduation, the school allowed them to walk through the campus one last time and stop at stations to collect leis and award (all while faculty and staff maintained physical distancing). It was a great ceremony given the circumstances. They used a robot built by a math faculty member to deliver the diploma.
> 
> Next stop (this August), WSU.


What a great way to handle it!


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## Ikaika

Keep this up for short while... at his school, with Diamond Head in the backdrop. It is traditional to get leis at graduations here, both candy and flower leis.


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## CharlieParker

Congrats.

WSU, as in Pullman? @BrokenVows Hulu Girl gonna break her coconut bra on you alls heads.


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## Ikaika

CharlieParker said:


> Congrats.
> 
> WSU, as in Pullman? @BrokenVows Hulu Girl gonna break her coconut bra on you alls heads.


Yes, Pullman...


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## Ikaika

Through IDEA, Kenji can continue public education until he reaches age 22. However, we (my wife and I along with the school) have decided that there is not much value in his completing his final year of eligibility. He has worked through the Developmental Vocational Rehabilitation services at various restaurants and stores since he was 17. We feel at this point he is able to just transition into full time work. The dilemma right now is whether he can find employment. 

There are plenty of other issues to deal with, but one at a time.


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## Ikaika

Reading a New York Times article today, I was able to relate it to my younger son, (Kenji’s Brother). 

The NYT article was about former NFL football player, Myron Rolle, now Dr. Myron Rolle. He was cut by the Pittsburgh Steelers prior to the 2012 season. He was in a major funk until his mother told him, look you got good grades and not only got a athletic scholarship from University Florida but you graduated with a degree in medical anthropology. He finally “realized” his dream of being an NFL player was over and now he had to do plan B. Plan B meant going to medical school. Now he is in his final year of neurosurgery residency. He attributed a lot of what he learned in organized sports, especially football that takes both mental and physical attitude to succeed. The crazy part of the article, the coaches that cut him told him he was more talented than the guy they were going to keep. The reason they gave Myron, is that he had a lot more to offer to society than football, whereas the guy they kept on the roster, football was all he had in life. 

My youngest did get a partial scholarship offer from a smaller school, but opted out of playing collegiate football (I am somewhat thankful - avoiding major injuries). But, he did learn a lot about what it takes to work toward success in life in his time during high school football. Of all of his friends in High School, my son I had thought to be the least likely to succeed in college (academics) especially at a school so far from home, culturally different, weather very different etc. Many of my son’s friends are somewhat floundering in their academic and life goals (at the moment). My son is plugging away and maintaining a 3.6 gpa in his accounting major. He even applied for the competitive summer internship (Summer 2023) with the FBI. There is no guarantee he will get it, but he did this all on his own and they, the FBI, have asked for a secondary application, step 2 in the process. Now whether he chooses to work there or not, the experience and putting it on his CV (resume) can go a long way for his future career. He has surprised my wife and I on what he has accomplished so far. I think my son somewhat parallels Dr. Myron Rolle is a small way and I have more hope now than I did when my son first said he wanted to travel nearly 3,000 miles to college. 

I am thankful for the small victories. 

My oldest son, Kenji, is working part time in the kitchen of local restaurant. 

We will all be together this Thanksgiving as we fly to Seattle and my youngest will join us from Pullman.


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