# Married for 22yrs, getting very little sex and frustrated



## Notenoughsex (9 mo ago)

I’ve been married for 22yrs and it’s literally ridiculous the amount of sex I have with my wife. Usually we’ll have sex a few days after she gets off her period and occasionally one more time before she gets her period once again. 

it takes me some time to cum so there has been times where I’ve stopped right after she’s orgasmed, there have been other times where I’ve just gone down on her because I like going butI also want to please her and take care of her needs.

one would think that if a man didn’t cum during sex that hiswife/girlfriend would take care his needs later, not the case.

This has always bothered me but lately is has started to bother me even more to the point I’ve even considered cheating.

I’ve always been very sexual and enjoy having sex. I masturbate at times but why should I have to masturbate when I have a wife who in my mind should be taking care of my needs as I do for her.

FRUSTRATED!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So you are having trouble orgasming? What are we talking here a 1/2 hour or hour? 

What is it you expect a handjob? Have you expressed interest?

What stop after her orgasm? She can orgasm again.

ETA: are you using like viagra or something that makes it last longer?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Dont stop. Just carry on unless she is getting sore. Have you talked to her about all of this? 
Don't cheat unless you want to loose your family.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Why do you stop after she orgasms? Does she tell you to stop? Have you asked her to take care of you when you haven't had an orgasm? If so, what was her response? It shouldn't be a chore for her. One of the best sexual experiences I have had with my wife was after I had finished and she looked at me and said, "I need one more." The fun continued.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Maybe she feels unable to satisfy you so she doesn’t look forward to it all that much. Maybe communicate with her your needs and share your concerns. She doesn’t know what she doesn’t know.


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## Notenoughsex (9 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> So you are having trouble orgasming? What are we talking here a 1/2 hour or hour?


I usually take around 40 minutes to cum sometimes longer.


Anastasia6 said:


> What is it you expect a handjob? Have you expressed interest? A hand job, blowjob, something.


Yes I’ve expressed interest.


Anastasia6 said:


> What stop after her orgasm? She can orgasm again.


This I know but she wants to stop


Anastasia6 said:


> ETA: are you using like viagra or something that makes it last longer?


No viagra just natural.


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## Notenoughsex (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Dont stop. Just carry on unless she is getting sore. Have you talked to her about all of this?


She says her legs get sore or vagina gets sore. I have talked to her about it and she doesn’t seem to care


Diana7 said:


> Don't cheat unless you want to loose your family.


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## Notenoughsex (9 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Maybe she feels unable to satisfy you so she doesn’t look forward to it all that much. Maybe communicate with her your needs and share your concerns. She doesn’t know what she doesn’t know.


I’ve tried to share everything with her, she doesn’t even like talking about sex. It gets truly frustrating because I’m always trying to Communicate with her


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

so it takes you 40 minutes and you expect a blowjob? Ok while I do believe in helping your partner I think that is unrealistic.


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## Notenoughsex (9 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> Why do you stop after she orgasms? Does she tell you to stop? Have you asked her to take care of you when you haven't had an orgasm? If so, what was her response? It shouldn't be a chore for her. One of the best sexual experiences I have had with my wife was after I had finished and she looked at me and said, "I need one more." The fun continued.


I wished it was like that but it isn’t. After she orgasm she’ll ask to stop.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> so it takes you 40 minutes and you expect a blowjob? Ok while I do believe in helping your partner I think that is unrealistic.


Why is that? Details please.


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## Notenoughsex (9 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> so it takes you 40 minutes and you expect a blowjob? Ok while I do believe in helping your partner I think that is unrealistic.


Not
Just a blowjob, a blowjob to start.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Why is that? Details please.


Because 40 minute blowjob is painful.


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## Notenoughsex (9 mo ago)

Notenoughsex said:


> Not
> Just a blowjob, a blowjob to start.





Anastasia6 said:


> Because 40 minute blowjob is painful.


I would never expect a blowjob for that long. When she’s horny we’ll have sex and when I am she’s not so quick to have sex


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Notenoughsex said:


> I’ve tried to share everything with her, she doesn’t even like talking about sex. It gets truly frustrating because I’m always trying to Communicate with her


She may not want to tell you that she feels inadequate that you don’t orgasm during sex. If she isn’t an overly sexual person she may not know how to express that. I’m not making excuses for your wife but if my husband weren’t having orgasms with me knowing we don’t have sex often, I’d probably wonder. Sometimes people shut down not because they don’t care, but it may be difficult for her to talk about.

That said, you’re a team and you both need to work together through this.


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## Notenoughsex (9 mo ago)

She knows she can bring me to orgasm. I didn’t say that, what I said is that sometimes it takes me longer to orgasms. With that said even when I try and speak to her about it, it’s as if it doesn’t matter.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Notenoughsex said:


> I wished it was like that but it isn’t. After she orgasm she’ll ask to stop.


Nope Nope Nope! Asking you to stop after she orgasms is the ultimate selfish sexual act. I could understand if it were due to physical pain. But just asking your spouse to stop because they are done?...... That is cold.

Sounds like a trip to a sex therapist is needed.


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## Notenoughsex (9 mo ago)

I’ve mention a therapist and she refused


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Notenoughsex said:


> She knows she can bring me to orgasm. I didn’t say that, what I said is that sometimes it takes me longer to orgasms. With that said even when I try and speak to her about it, it’s as if it doesn’t matter.


You say that you stop after she orgasms. So, she may feel that she’s inadequate on some level?

Are you both okay in other areas of the marriage? Like do you both communicate well on other issues?


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## Notenoughsex (9 mo ago)

I try to communicate with her all the time however she does not. Her excuse is that she doesn’t like confrontation which doesn’t make sense to me because I’m just trying to communicate with her.
She grew up in a family where mom and dad never said I love you to each other let alone her and her siblings.

Her mother was the type of woman who turned her daughters against their father for no reason. Her parents slept in different rooms.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I’d suggest therapy for you both - and separately too so you can vent without judgement. She probably has engrained in her the dynamic she watched during her childhood. Time doesn’t always heal all wounds, if you’re not actively trying to work on those wounds.

If she continues to refuse to go to counseling, maybe go on your own. She may see that and decide to join in. But you can’t change people, only how you react and if you feel truly miserable in your marriage, you may need to separate.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Because 40 minute blowjob is painful.


You're being needlessly hyperbolic for some reason. 
It's you who are making that up, saying OP demanded a 40 minute blowjob.

So same question, why?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You're being needlessly hyperbolic for some reason.
> It's you who are making that up, saying OP demanded a 40 minute blowjob.
> 
> So same question, why?


Yes, where is the 40 minutes thing coming from?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You're being needlessly hyperbolic for some reason.
> It's you who are making that up, saying OP demanded a 40 minute blowjob.
> 
> So same question, why?


not being hyperbolic. He said it can take him 40 minutes to come. I have no idea how much of that would be PIV. believe in partners helping each other. I believe a handjob is an acceptable expectation. Many women wouldn't want to give a blowjob after a penis has been inside them or after lube or condom has been applied.

I personally don't mind after penetration. However I get cuts on the inside of my mouth after a while and could never contemplate a long blow job. 

I was trying to talk with the OP and see what his expectations are and give him a female perspective since he may not understand his wife. So the real question is why are you so focused on my response?

OP what deidre says is also valid she may feel inadequate. There are other factors as well. 
How you approach the communication is also of importance to me.

Since it's obvious the men find my responses offensive. I'm out. I wish you luck.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> not being hyperbolic. He said it can take him 40 minutes to come.


Where? He said "some time"? Has the OP deleted some of his answers? I can't find it...


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

The challenge with any topic like this is we only have a small snippet to go on - there could be so many layers to issues like this but we can only give advice based on what we have read so far. When you ask for advice though, you need to be willing to at least consider different points of view. 😌 

If sex feels like a chore or like you’re burdening your partner or your partner feels burdened, the backstory can help but I think counseling is a must in these situations.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> not being hyperbolic. He said it can take him 40 minutes to come. I have no idea how much of that would be PIV. believe in partners helping each other. I believe a handjob is an acceptable expectation. Many women wouldn't want to give a blowjob after a penis has been inside them or after lube or condom has been applied.
> 
> I personally don't mind after penetration. However I get cuts on the inside of my mouth after a while and could never contemplate a long blow job.
> 
> ...


The real question? Because it's ridiculous to put words into OPs mouth saying he stated he required 40 minutes of blowjob combined with the fact no one thinks 40 minutes of BJ is good all by itself, kind of prima facia.

Just to add, it's not uncommon at all for a woman to switch to BJ for a bit after PIV for a bit.
Just like it's not uncommon for a guy to do oral on her for a bit after PIV a bit, before everyone finishes in whatever way things do.

Why would a woman not want to do some BJ after some PIV?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@Anastasia6

Re your comment : *Since it's obvious the men find my responses offensive. I'm out. I wish you luck.*

You're confusing disagreement with offensive btw. Folks conversing can and do 🙂 disagree at times. No offense in the mix.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

In post #6, it seems OP replied (the 40 minutes thing) within the quote:

_Anastasia6 said:_
_So you are having trouble orgasming? What are we talking here a 1/2 hour or hour?* I usually take around 40 minutes to cum sometimes longer.*_


Just thought I'd point out that OP did say 40 minutes, but it's kind of hidden because he typed it inside the quoted portion. See post #6.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I feel for you. But do not cheat.i know how important sex is to us guys..... My wife is a friend to my buddies wife. My buddies marriage is a bit rocky as they fight a lot and she is wide open about withholding sex when she doesn't get what she wants. She has asked my wife in the past, what in the hell do you do to get him to do things and have a happy marriage???? I started laughing in the next room when my wife said, keep his stomach full and balls empty 😂


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

so_sweet said:


> In post #6, it seems OP replied (the 40 minutes thing) within the quote:
> 
> _Anastasia6 said:_
> _So you are having trouble orgasming? What are we talking here a 1/2 hour or hour?* I usually take around 40 minutes to cum sometimes longer.*_
> ...


Just seen that... not only it's type inside, but it's on the same line of the question... lol


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Idk, just speaking for myself but if every time my husband and I have sex, he were to take a long while to orgasm or he doesn’t at all - I wouldn’t look forward to it. Even if he satisfies me. It just would become emotionally draining for me. But that’s just me.

I think the reason would be that I would feel like we fell out of sync, somehow.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Just seen that... not only it's type inside, but it's on the same line of the question... lol


Yep, I can see how it could be confusing.

Editing to add: How I noticed was by clicking to expand the quote because at first glance it looked like OP simply quoted the post without a reply.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Idk, just speaking for myself but if every time my husband and I have sex, he were to take a long while to orgasm or he doesn’t at all - I wouldn’t look forward to it. Even if he satisfies me. It just would become emotionally draining for me. But that’s just me.
> 
> I think the reason would be that I would feel like we fell out of sync, somehow.


Yes and after 40 mins of course she will be sore!


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## Notenoughsex (9 mo ago)

I love my wife very much however to continuously try and communicate with her about the issue when she could care less has truly started to frustrate me.

I’ve been loyal, honest etc. but I bet if I were to have an affair I’d bean asshole yet all Ive been trying to communicate and work this out with her to no avail.

Seems truly unfair!


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Notenoughsex said:


> I love my wife very much however to continuously try and communicate with her about the issue when she could care less has truly started to frustrate me.
> 
> I’ve been loyal, honest etc. but I bet if I were to have an affair I’d bean asshole yet all Ive been trying to communicate and work this out with her to no avail.
> 
> Seems truly unfair!


I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom to help with the issue, but I want to say please don't have an affair. I think having an affair will add to the problem and you'll likely regret it too.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Okay, one thought:

Do you think you could get yourself ready by yourself for a little while first and then your wife could finish things?

For example: If it takes you 40 minutes, maybe for about 20 minutes you can "help yourself" and then your wife can take care of you for 20 minutes? 

Just a thought.


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## Notenoughsex (9 mo ago)

I have no problem with that but that isn’t the problem. The problem is we only sex when she wants it, other then that I get pretty much shot down as if it were a chore.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

.forgot accidently replied.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Notenoughsex said:


> I have no problem with that but that isn’t the problem. The problem is we only sex when she wants it, other then that I get pretty much shot down as if it were a chore.


Oh, okay, sorry about that then. If you're saying that she's good with you taking 40 minutes when she wants to have sex, then I can see how my post above isn't very helpful. Sorry I couldn't be of much help and I hope it all works out well for you.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> She may not want to tell you that she feels inadequate that you don’t orgasm during sex. If she isn’t an overly sexual person she may not know how to express that. I’m not making excuses for your wife but if my husband weren’t having orgasms with me knowing we don’t have sex often, I’d probably wonder. Sometimes people shut down not because they don’t care, but it may be difficult for her to talk about.
> 
> That said, you’re a team and you both need to work together through this.


I feel this whole heartedly. My husband takes forever sometimes and I end up getting dry because my mind starts to wonder. I have ADD and take it somewhat personal because in my mind - he can't cum because he doesn't like me. I know this isn't the case because he will spend the whole time playing with me. 

Play with her. Don't just get her off and give her an orgasm. Make out with her and play with her. Make it fun for her again.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

so_sweet said:


> In post #6, it seems OP replied (the 40 minutes thing) within the quote:
> 
> _Anastasia6 said:_
> _So you are having trouble orgasming? What are we talking here a 1/2 hour or hour?* I usually take around 40 minutes to cum sometimes longer.*_
> ...


However the point is OP didn't state he expects a BJ for the entire 40 minutes, tada, that's it, and has re-clarified that a couple times.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I feel for you. But do not cheat.i know how important sex is to us guys..... My wife is a friend to my buddies wife. My buddies marriage is a bit rocky as they fight a lot and she is wide open about withholding sex when she doesn't get what she wants. She has asked my wife in the past, what in the hell do you do to get him to do things and have a happy marriage???? I started laughing in the next room when my wife said, keep his stomach full and balls empty 😂


This is why in our M, we still have sex even in the middle of a disagreement. It's one of the best ways to keep open communication and open minds. We set that policy over 20 yrs ago. Works great.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

*Deidre* said:


> Idk, just speaking for myself but if every time my husband and I have sex, he were to take a long while to orgasm or he doesn’t at all - I wouldn’t look forward to it.


 For my wife and I, orgasm is just a small piece of the experience. It's rare for me to orgasm when we have sex, but I do look forward to the intimacy it creates between the two of us and I do like to feel her orgasm.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

How much are you masturbating? It seems like you are having sex twice a month or so. If that’s the case and you don’t masturbate I can’t see how delayed ejaculation could be happening. Are you looking at porn? If so stop. Yes, I know in light of my recent thread I shouldn’t jump to that conclusion.
My wife gets really giddy following the OCCASIONAL PE because it makes her feel super hot like I couldn’t control myself.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Mybabysgotit said:


> For my wife and I, orgasm is just a small piece of the experience. It's rare for me to orgasm when we have sex, but I do look forward to the intimacy it creates between the two of us and I do like to feel her orgasm.


 Yes, agree that intimacy is an important part of sex, but sounds like the OP is speaking of the physical aspect mainly and how that is not satisfying. I’m trying to imagine why his wife may not be as into it as he’d like and those were my guesses.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Notenoughsex said:


> I love my wife very much however to continuously try and communicate with her about the issue when she could care less has truly started to frustrate me.
> 
> I’ve been loyal, honest etc. but I bet if I were to have an affair I’d bean asshole yet all Ive been trying to communicate and work this out with her to no avail.
> 
> Seems truly unfair!


You need to tell her how desperate you are and that the marriage itself is at great risk if nothing changes.


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## Notenoughsex (9 mo ago)

I masturbate once or twice a week. When we’re having sex and she’s horny she’s all into it but once she finishes, she is no longer interested and tells me to finish. Everything shuts down, she’ll just lay there. Not even trying to be a part of it


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Notenoughsex said:


> I have no problem with that but that isn’t the problem. The problem is we only sex when she wants it, other then that I get pretty much shot down as if it were a chore.


Why should she change? She's happy with the way things are and so far, you're going along with it. So it's time to mess up her little world. She's not meeting your needs so quit meeting hers. Don't put gas in her car, don't hold the door for her, don't open the pickle jar for her and don't give her any money. If she asks you to do anything, just say no. When she *****es at you about it, just tell her if she wants more from you, she needs to give more to you. Do not cheat. That's just wrong. But if she's not willing to change and you are not willing to stay with the status quo, then draw up the papers and have her served. You can always put a divorce on hold in case the shock brings her to her senses.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Like some of the female posters said women can get offended if it takes you forever to cum. Her laying there for 40 minutes not cumming, being reminded the whole time it's that hard for you to get off on her is probably as appealing for her as cleaning the toilet after you just had diarrhea. 

I would recommend getting her worked up outside the bedroom. Make up for that insult by planning a romantic dinner, getting her a small gift, writing her a love note. Whatever kind of romance she personally likes. You're probably going to stay disappointed if you just keep expecting mutual masturbation from her.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> This is why in our M, we still have sex even in the middle of a disagreement. It's one of the best ways to keep open communication and open minds. We set that policy over 20 yrs ago. Works great.


Please tell my husband this - if him and I have an argument - he won't touch me until he likes me again


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Was she like this all through the marriage, OP? If not, when did things change?

It is cold to shut you down after she’s satisfied. Sex shouldn’t be leaving anyone feeling bad afterwards, that’s for sure.😔


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## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

22 years... in all seriousness... congratulations, that's an achievement. 

Now, don't throw it all away with an affair. That's #1. DON'T DO IT. You are better than that. 

We don't have her side... we have yours. 

Let me tell you... my marriage survived 'the dead bedroom'... before I even knew it was a term. (Which eventually lead me here. And ours was severe- 4x in 24 months at age 38.)

This is what I did...

I plainly stated one afternoon- 'Hey, dear. We are like roommates with occasional benefits. I can do that with other women and actually get benefits more frequently without having to mow their grass, till their garden, change the oil in their car (etc). What's your problem with me? What am I doing wrong? What did I do wrong? Tell me what resentments you have and why. I will work on those things and do my absolute best to alter my behavior. However, if you don't level with me and we don't change the direction of this ship... I'm out. And I'll go first... here are my issues with you...'

After the initial mud flinging discussion... I asked her for any statements for debts we held as a married couple... asked to see her direct deposit/ check stub and credit report (to verify debts outstanding)... and other items because I had an appointment with a lawyer a few days later.

We went back and forth for 3 days... and I had a consultation with the lawyer shortly after.

For 12 months we have really worked hard and put in the effort. Much better place now. (We BOTH had to do major work... lots of tears... lots of heated discussions... lots of swallowing my pride and I am sure she had to also.) Sex is excellent today and she even wears lingerie again!

Somehow, someway... you have to forge through the walls of resentment. Get her back to square one (as far as being honest and upfront with you) and then build back up from there. Getting her back to square one ultimately lies on your shoulders. No one here knows you or your wife. You gotta 'man' up here and swallow some pride and put it on the line. IF you want things to get better.
She can't read your mind... you can't read hers. 

Clearly, there are other things going on.... and if you want a better sex life... you can't just wish or complain it into existence. If you dig deep and put it all on the line and she doesn't respond... then consider all your options (NOT including an affair.) BUT... don't throw away 22 years without giving it 100% for one more time (assuming she has held 100% fidelity to you in that time.)

Remember... I stated- 12 months approximate turn around time for my marriage. She's not going to be doing the nasty and getting you off every time within 24 hours of 'your talk'. It's going to take time. 

Best of luck.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> You need to tell her how desperate you are and that the marriage itself is at great risk if nothing changes.


Worst advice I have ever heard. NEVER NEVER NEVER tell a woman how desperate you are. Don't EVER even give her a hint that you don't have things under control. And NEVER threaten, be a doer, not a talker.


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## Notenoughsex (9 mo ago)

Who said I wanted mutual masturbation, I know I didn’t


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Please tell my husband this - if him and I have an argument - he won't touch me until he likes me again


It's a good thing!
Because disagreements are temporary but the relationship is permanent. 👍


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I feel this whole heartedly. My husband takes forever sometimes and I end up getting dry because my mind starts to wonder. I have ADD and take it somewhat personal because in my mind - he can't cum because he doesn't like me. I know this isn't the case because he will spend the whole time playing with me.
> 
> Play with her. Don't just get her off and give her an orgasm. Make out with her and play with her. Make it fun for her again.


My wife thought it was her also. Due to hormone levels I got where I could go for 1.5 hrs and not get there. I had to sit her down and explain...it had nothing to do with her. 

If it was warmer in the room where I would start sweating, above 73 degrees and I will not get there, even if we go on for 3 hrs. No matter how much I want to, it ain't happening. She understood after heart to heart discussions and reassurances. Now she is good with it and just keeps enjoying all the benefits..again...and again...and again....and again. She is one very happy and sassified lady.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

Mybabysgotit said:


> Worst advice I have ever heard. NEVER NEVER NEVER tell a woman how desperate you are. Don't EVER even give her a hint that you don't have things under control. And NEVER threaten, be a doer, not a talker.


1000 times this. Take action but don’t talk about it. Talks can come later after you’ve put in the effort to change and you’ve not seen results but for the love of God don’t start this process with a talk which is tantamount to begging.

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members.personallifemedia.com





Don’t do the steps in the above 2 programs until you’ve done the steps in the first 4 books. Your wife has to start seeing you as someone that is attractive and she respects before you do what’s in these books.

Edit: I’m not sure what the policy is on linking to paid products but I’m getting absolutely nothing from any of this. Kind of like how I don’t get a penny for putting COVID on a death certificate 😂


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> My wife thought it was her also. Due to hormone levels I got where I could go for 1.5 hrs and not get there. I had to sit her down and explain...it had nothing to do with her.
> 
> If it was warmer in the room where I would start sweating, above 73 degrees and I will not get there, even if we go on for 3 hrs. No matter how much I want to, it ain't happening. She understood after heart to heart discussions and reassurances. Now she is good with it and just keeps enjoying all the benefits..again...and again...and again....and again. She is one very happy and sassified lady.


Same here. If it's too hot, he can't. If its too late, he can't. He says to enjoy it but I enjoy him getting off too. It's like the grand finale.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> It's a good thing!
> Because disagreements are temporary but the relationship is permanent. 👍


The hissy fits are getting shorter and shorter, the longer that we are together. I will say that much.


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## Notenoughsex (9 mo ago)

I’ve tried getting her worked up, foreplay sensual touch, oral sex. It’s just the the minute she has her orgasm she wants it done


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

Also are you on any medications that would cause delayed ejaculation? Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (Paxil, Prozac, Celexa, Zoloft, Effexor, etc) would be the classic one to cause this side effect.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Notenoughsex said:


> I’ve tried getting her worked up, foreplay sensual touch, oral sex. It’s just the the minute she has her orgasm she wants it done


Have you introduced now and then some cannabis to relax her?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Yes and after 40 mins of course she will be sore!


And disgusted.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> The real question? Because it's ridiculous to put words into OPs mouth saying he stated he required 40 minutes of blowjob combined with the fact no one thinks 40 minutes of BJ is good all by itself, kind of prima facia.
> 
> Just to add, it's not uncommon at all for a woman to switch to BJ for a bit after PIV for a bit.
> Just like it's not uncommon for a guy to do oral on her for a bit after PIV a bit, before everyone finishes in whatever way things do.
> ...


@DownByTheRiver , I know the answer, just want to see if others spell it out. 😎


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @DownByTheRiver , I know the answer, just want to see if others spell it out. 😎


What's PIV?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @DownByTheRiver , I know the answer, just want to see if others spell it out. 😎


Why are you telling me this? Did you mean to tag someone else?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> And disgusted.


At least for us, I don't want to generalize, 40 minutes or an hour is typical time for W and I during certain rondevues.

But we're doing different things throughout, not all doing just one thing. That's true.

That's why we incorporate intermissions, getting a drink, switching Alexa thru different genres, and relaxing, chilling, both enjoying the others body at different tempos, etc.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @DownByTheRiver , I know the answer, just want to see if others spell it out. 😎


Nevermind. I think I got it figured out. There's nothing wrong with a BJ after PIV. We both 'service' each other during intercourse.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> At least for us, I don't want to generalize, 40 minutes or an hour is typical time for W and I during certain rondevues.
> 
> But we're doing different things throughout, not all doing just one thing. That's true.
> 
> That's why we incorporate intermissions, getting a drink, switching Alexa thru different genres, and relaxing, chilling, both enjoying the others body at different tempos, etc.


Exactly. 

Op, how long does it take you when you masturbate?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Notenoughsex said:


> I’ve been married for 22yrs and it’s literally ridiculous the amount of sex I have with my wife. Usually we’ll have sex a few days after she gets off her period and occasionally one more time before she gets her period once again.
> 
> it takes me some time to cum so there has been times where I’ve stopped right after she’s orgasmed, there have been other times where I’ve just gone down on her because I like going butI also want to please her and take care of her needs.
> 
> ...


It may be that your masturbating has interfered with your ability to squirt in V-tro.

That heavy hand is hard for any woman to replicate.

Going without for a week, or more, allows the volcano to build up pressure.

Um.


_Lilith-_


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Why are you telling me this? Did you mean to tag someone else?


From your Surprised emoji, re to perhaps this part of my post; Why would a woman not want to do some BJ after some PIV?


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

OP,

To me, this is about far more than sex. I get the instance here and detail is regarding sex, but that's not the real issue.

You've suggested counseling and she refuses.

Your wife is telling you with both her words and her actions that it's her way or the highway. You have to put up with and take what she's dishing out to you.

That's not how marriages are supposed to work.

You're supposed to be partners, both pulling on the rope together, working with each other to tackle and overcome obstacles in your marriage, in and out of the bedroom.

She's NOT doing that with you. It's her way or the highway and that's too bad for you.

That's beyond selfish, it's mean, almost cruel.

I don't care that this is about sex, it could be about any subject, she is NOT acting like a partner, like a spouse should.

So very few things, if any, should be my way or the highway in a marriage. She won't even talk to you about this.

Everyone knows communication is so important in relationships. We hear it, see it, read it all the time. We all know this yet so many don't communicate worth a damn.

Just because we talk about something doesn't mean we'll get our way but a spouse should always listen to their partner, hear them out and try to work with them on whatever the issue is. Just by talking it doesn't mean we always get our way, but simply talking with our spouse about an issue should be the bare minimum a spouse does for their partner and she won't even talk to you about this.


Yes, the two of you need counseling, but she won't go.

OP, are you willing to live the rest of your life with a spouse like this? With a spouse who won't even listen to you, won't even hear you out, won't even communicate with you?

Look, I don't know if you want or would divorce her over this so don't give her an ultimatum if you won't follow through, but her receiving divorce papers just might spur her on to go to counseling... maybe.

I mean, if you choose to stay without divorcing, you know how things are going to be for the rest of you life with your spouse.

One partner can't fix an issue on their own when it involves both partners.

She's not being a partner. She's not working with you to remove and overcome obstacles in your marriage and that's the opposite of what a partner is supposed to do.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mybabysgotit said:


> Worst advice I have ever heard. NEVER NEVER NEVER tell a woman how desperate you are. Don't EVER even give her a hint that you don't have things under control. And NEVER threaten, be a doer, not a talker.


I heard about a guy who was so unhappy in the marriage that he said if things don't change I am out. It worked. 30 or so years later they are happily married. 
Another lady got so fed up with her husband's porn use she said either you stop or I am out. He stopped and they stayed married. It works. It shocks people into actually doing something about the situation.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> From your Surprised emoji, re to perhaps this part of my post; Why would a woman not want to do some BJ after some PIV?


Have you ever given a guy a bj under the best conditions?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Same here. If it's too hot, he can't. If its too late, he can't. He says to enjoy it but I enjoy him getting off too. It's like the grand finale.


I have told her, if it happens, great. But it is the intimacy that I crave as a man that feels emotional love through the physical act itself. The act and being together, the closeness and bonding is what does it for me, not the release. I also get great pleasure from giving my wife a neck to toe massage with the alvacado oil.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Have you ever given a guy a bj under the best conditions?


What are the best conditions you've found?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> What are the best conditions you've found?


Clean, quick, and before you're tired. But the bottom line is some women wouldn't mind some of the time and others would and we have a time consideration here. It's up to her. He needs to be sure he's been up front about his feelings on it but it's up to her. And yes, it is a chore, especially under those circumstances which I do sympathize with the op about.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> At least for us, I don't want to generalize, 40 minutes or an hour is typical time for W and I during certain rondevues.
> 
> But we're doing different things throughout, not all doing just one thing. That's true.
> 
> That's why we incorporate intermissions, getting a drink, switching Alexa thru different genres, and relaxing, chilling, both enjoying the others body at different tempos, etc.


She is talking about PIV constantly for 40 mins.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> _*She is talking about PIV constantly for 40 mins.*_



I'm a little person and that would virtually kill me. 😂


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

As frustrated as you are with the situation don't be a coward and cheat.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

40 minutes after orgasm is a bit much for the wife…  sometimes I didn’t come on purpose during PIV, because I liked to ejaculate on my wife’s breasts…she didn’t mind… as long as it wasn’t on her face/hair… sorry for the graphic details  anyway, what I’m getting to… is there anything she can do to excite you so much you can come a bit quicker? I don’t mean a blow job… something you could watch her doing? Not for an hour… lol


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## Notenoughsex (9 mo ago)

If she participated then Maybe I would cum a
Little Quicker however like I said before, once she’s had her orgasm she done.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Notenoughsex said:


> I wished it was like that but it isn’t. After she orgasm she’ll ask to stop.


You might try different nights for each of you. One night is all about her, not you, and perhaps focus entirely on oral if she can orgasm that way (especially it that's easier for her). And then have a night where she's not expected to, it's your turn. I suppose it could be an issue if she "accidentally" orgasms? I wish!!!


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Notenoughsex said:


> Who said I wanted mutual masturbation, I know I didn’t


I said that. And I don't know what else you would call it. Your main concern seems to be that she's not returning the favor, not that she doesn't seem to enjoy sex with you beyond getting herself off.

That's not really sex in the traditional sense.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Notenoughsex said:


> I’ve tried getting her worked up, foreplay sensual touch, oral sex. It’s just the the minute she has her orgasm she wants it done


So stop when she's about ready to have an orgasm. I get dry after orgasms sometimes


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Funny, I have the same problem but in my case. I'm the woman and my husband doesn't want sex 😅


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Was surprised this made it to post 46 without someone suggesting porn induced death grip syndrome.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Notenoughsex said:


> If she participated then Maybe I would cum a
> Little Quicker however like I said before, once she’s had her orgasm she done.


Or maybe you wouldn't.

That aside, instead of your wife having her orgasm first, what if you both work towards yours being before hers?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Personal said:


> Or maybe you wouldn't.
> 
> That aside, instead of your wife having her orgasm first, what if you both work towards yours being before hers?


And then he goes floppy and the wife is frustrated...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Have you ever given a guy a bj under the best conditions?
> [/





BecauseSheWeeps said:


> So stop when she's about ready to have an orgasm. I get dry after orgasms sometimes


We have natural lotions by the bed at all times. Lotions and female friendly oils are almost always involved for W and I.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> And then he goes floppy and the wife is frustrated...


There are other ways.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Personal said:


> There are other ways.


I know...  it really depends on the wife's preferences, though.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> I know...  it really depends on the wife's preferences, though.


Although hopefully not with 40 minutes worth of straight pounding. And it would take a lot less than that for his wife to get a sore jaw.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Personal said:


> Although hopefully not with 40 minutes worth of straight pounding. And it would take a lot less than that for his wife to get a sore jaw.


I don't really see a solution to this... and his wife has it sorted already... she won't change... lol I wouldn't...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> We have natural lotions by the bed at all times. Lotions and female friendly oils are almost always involved for W and I.


It's still irritating. It's nerves that get irritated down there. I don't know how it is for guys if they're limp and spent and someone just kept pulling on them. Maybe it's not the same and feels good and that's why guys don't understand that part. And every woman is different too.


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

Notenoughsex said:


> I’ve been married for 22yrs and it’s literally ridiculous the amount of sex I have with my wife. Usually we’ll have sex a few days after she gets off her period and occasionally one more time before she gets her period once again.
> 
> it takes me some time to cum so there has been times where I’ve stopped right after she’s orgasmed, there have been other times where I’ve just gone down on her because I like going butI also want to please her and take care of her needs.
> 
> ...


Something I don’t understand. Are you having direct sex (PIV) when she has the big O? If you are then I don’t know about you, but most guys can do the hurry up and go thing. Of course after she has her O. I can’t for the life of me see a situation where she wouldn’t let you have an extra 1 minute to blast off.


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## Notenoughsex (9 mo ago)

Sometimes and sometimes im going down
On her


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's still irritating. It's nerves that get irritated down there. I don't know how it is for guys if they're limp and spent and someone just kept pulling on them. Maybe it's not the same and feels good and that's why guys don't understand that part. And every woman is different too.


40 minutes is a long time I would think the more pressing concern would be that he isn't turned on by his wife and can't finish with her. Of course, her being hugely selfish and no longer participating once she gets hers would certainly be a very valid reason why he wouldn't be able to finish, feeling like it's a chore for the other person would hardly be conducive to being super turned on.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> 40 minutes is a long time I would think the more pressing concern would be that he isn't turned on by his wife and can't finish with her. Of course, her being hugely selfish and no longer participating once she gets hers would certainly be a very valid reason why he wouldn't be able to finish, feeling like it's a chore for the other person would hardly be conducive to being super turned on.


He just has a finishing problem. Some guys do. That doesn't mean the wife has to stay up all night working at it. The guy I knew who had one it was related to a cocaine addiction. Alcoholism or even being drunk can also cause it sometimes. It doesn't make him a freak of any sort but he needs to be sure that he has seen a urologist and make sure everything is working properly and then help himself solve this problem and not expect her to do all the heavy lifting.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He just has a finishing problem. Some guys do. That doesn't mean the wife has to stay up all night working at it. The guy I knew who had one it was related to a cocaine addiction. Alcoholism or even being drunk can also cause it sometimes. It doesn't make him a freak of any sort but he needs to be sure that he has seen a urologist and make sure everything is working properly and then help himself solve this problem and not expect her to do all the heavy lifting.


I suspect there are issues outside the bedroom, too. Usually over time they come to light. I feel bad for both of them, I can see both sides.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> We have natural lotions by the bed at all times. Lotions and female friendly oils are almost always involved for W and I.


I suggested it and it hurt his feelings.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I suggested it and it hurt his feelings.


Hurt his feelings? In every circumstance that's just wrong and not normal. Silly even.
Ignore his gas lighting you. In no world could that offend a guy.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Folks, this comes down to whether BOTH of them will work together, as partners, as a team to overcome this obstacle together.

She won't communicate with him about it and she refused counseling too.

This won't magically get better, in fact it's going to get worse if OP's wife continues to effectively ignore this.

They need to hit this head on, work together on it, preferably in counseling as the odds are good there are other issues between them too, outside of the bedroom.

Being in a relationship requires work, effort, communication, compromise, a willingness to engage with their partner regarding difficult things, topics and situations.

This isn't going to be resolved until both of them work on this together, communicate about it etc.

She can't keep effectively saying "it's my way or the highway regarding this".

That will fail spectacularly, it's already failing and it won't get better, but worse this way.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's still irritating. It's nerves that get irritated down there. I don't know how it is for guys if they're limp and spent and someone just kept pulling on them. Maybe it's not the same and feels good and that's why guys don't understand that part. And every woman is different too.


I’m at the point where I know from the feeling in my man parts if my wife is getting worn out. I can feel it just from that even if she doesn’t say anything.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> I’m at the point where I know from the feeling in my man parts if my wife is getting worn out. I can feel it just from that even if she doesn’t say anything.


It would certainly all be easier to deal with if everything was consistently the same way all the time but the truth is it isn't. And it's not just one part that gets sore. Your legs can start hurting and your back can start hurting and all sorts of things. 

I guess sex is not for amateurs.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It would certainly all be easier to deal with if everything was consistently the same way all the time but the truth is it isn't. And it's not just one part that gets sore. Your legs can start hurting and your back can start hurting and all sorts of things.
> 
> I guess sex is not for amateurs.


All I know is my hoo ha is attuned to my wife’s cha cha and if it detects damage occurring like on this trip where we’re stuck on a boat you better believe I am tapping that as much as possible which can cause issues. I will stay away for a day after and I know she appreciates it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> All I know is my hoo ha is attuned to my wife’s cha cha and if it detects damage occurring like on this trip where we’re stuck on a boat you better believe I am tapping that as much as possible which can cause issues. I will stay away for a day after and I know she appreciates it.


Thank the Lord there's a whole lot of good food on the ship to get you out of that cabin.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Was surprised this made it to post 46 without someone suggesting porn induced death grip syndrome.


That's because I just found the thread, haha. Was just about to bring that up.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I don’t know… 40 minutes is a long time, even for me…


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> I don’t know… 40 minutes is a long time, even for me…


40 minutes someone is getting raw.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

ccpowerslave said:


> I’m at the point where I know from the feeling in my man parts if my wife is getting worn out. I can feel it just from that even if she doesn’t say anything.


Sometimes I need to be proactive, trust what I’m feeling down there, and apply more lube even if she claims it’s not an issue. Why she thinks it makes more sense sometimes to suffer a bit instead of nicely suggesting she’s feeling a bit more dry than normal, could you apply some more? I think it’s because she assumes I’m going to take such a suggestion negatively, but why?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> Sometimes I need to be proactive, trust what I’m feeling down there, and apply more lube even if she claims it’s not an issue. Why she thinks it makes more sense sometimes to suffer a bit instead of nicely suggesting she’s feeling a bit more dry than normal, could you apply some more? I think it’s because she assumes I’m going to take such a suggestion negatively, but why?


Sex can make some women feel very vulnerable. Frankness in that moment can be hard. I of course don’t know your wife, and could be totally off base. I don’t mean to project, just offering up a possibility.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

OP, look up porn induced death grip syndrome, seriously. Might do yourself (and your wife) a big favor.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Notenoughsex

I've got some questions ...

Have you always taken this long to orgasm? If not, when did it start?

You say that once your wife orgasms, she stops the sex. Does this happen at about 40 minutes or so into it? Or does she stop sooner than that, if so, about how long is does it usually take her to orgasm from PIV?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Sex can make some women feel very vulnerable. Frankness in that moment can be hard. I of course don’t know your wife, and could be totally off base. I don’t mean to project, just offering up a possibility.


Thanks, yes, I get that. Our situation might be a bit different in that I’m the “vulnerable” (having dealt with 40+ years of rejection for reasons that finally became known) while she has to get used to the idea of acceptance of intimacy and honesty. Honesty means she needs to express what’s on her mind and not cover things up, which includes issues she’s presently having. It’s tough to go from decades of dishonesty and revulsion to believing that things will actually improve if she’s honest. Her thinking is that it’s better to cover up and take one for the team at this point.

Confused? Who wouldn’t be. I really do appreciate your thoughts. Don’t hold back. “Projecting” gets a bad rap anyway. It’s personal experience, right? We all have our own set of life experiences and as long as we don’t hide context and pretend we know some universal truth, we’re just offering pieces of the puzzle.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> Thanks, yes, I get that. Our situation might be a bit different in that I’m the “vulnerable” (having dealt with 40+ years of rejection for reasons that finally became known) while she has to get used to the idea of acceptance of intimacy and honesty. Honesty means she needs to express what’s on her mind and not cover things up, which includes issues she’s presently having. It’s tough to go from decades of dishonesty and revulsion to believing that things will actually improve if she’s honest. Her thinking is that it’s better to cover up and take one for the team at this point.
> 
> Confused? Who wouldn’t be. I really do appreciate your thoughts. Don’t hold back. “Projecting” gets a bad rap anyway. It’s personal experience, right? We all have our own set of life experiences and as long as we don’t hide context and pretend we know some universal truth, we’re just offering pieces of the puzzle.


I’m honestly trying to help. Thank you for recognizing that. I see both sides of it. Criticism hits me hard so I don’t complain because my biggest rule is “do unto others.” But sometimes I take it too far. I wish he were more honest about things. It would break my heart but I could take steps to fix things.


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## Notenoughsex (9 mo ago)

It’s always taken me some time to orgasm, if I’m going down on her she usually has an orgasm within 3-5 minutes. If she has an orgasm through PIV, she usually has an orgasm within 10-15 minutes. Keep in mind that either way, when she has her orgasm, whether I’m done or not, it’s over.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

How long do you take when you masturbate alone, vs masturbate together?

When you are having PIV, are you distracted, focused on making it work for her, or lost in the moment? Are you of the mindset you need to make her cum first?

Do you drink or use any other substances?

Take prescription meds, or over the counter medicines?

Do you feel a lot of resentment, and is it conceivable that is subconsciously interfering with you reaching climax?

Have you bothered to research delayed ejaculation, and learned what some of the known causes and/or remedies are?

Do you have something you want her to do that might help you get there yet does not have the same physical or emotional costs some have described here?

When she attempts to shutdown conversation about this, have you directly challenged her and pointed out how destructive that is to your relationship? Have you attempted to make the case with her that @A18S37K14H18 has been making in this thread?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

PieceOfSky said:


> When she attempts to shutdown conversation about this, have you directly challenged her and pointed out how destructive that is to your relationship?


I normally don't like confrontation, but in this case, I think @PieceOfSky is right. During the day, at a time where you're alone and there's nothing sexual going on, confront her with this. I can't have the tough conversation I need to have, but don't be like me. Have it. Say what needs to be said. I think it will be better if you face it.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I suggest you ask how she feels about you not climaxing, or taking so long when you do. Tell her you read recently that it can make a woman feel inadequate or undesired in some way. Let her know that you do desire her, that she matters to you, and having your orgasm with her presence and care and generosity would mean the world to you. That you can ejaculate on your own, but you want it with her, and most of all you want her to want it with her intention and presence too. (Assuming that is all true.). She’ll either turn towards you, accept that bid for affection and raise you one, or she’ll attempt to shut you down again. Either way, you’ll have moved the conversation forward where there is a clearer understanding of her fears and concerns that so far are unspoken (if they exist…she may just not care enough to have any).

I’ll add, it took me awhile to recognize my wife took any lack of “performance” from me very personally, and it poked/bruised her ego, and she turned inward and shutdown. So some of that sort of thing mentioned by some ladies here rings very true to me.

Btw, your resentment is going to sabotage your chances to lead this on a better direction. Your entitled to your resentment as much as anyone is, but it is your opportunity to find a way to deal with it that doesn’t pollute your interactions with her. If nothing else, consider putting it out on the table, and acknowledge to her that you are feeling resentment over this, especially how she shuts down talking about it and working towards a mutual solution, and so you feel like things are in a downward spiral,and it’s only going to divide you more. (If that is true.)


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Btw, I suspect it doesn’t take porn or frequent masturbation to get used to a death grip.

Probably worth time investigating what that means, and what you can do to counter that phenomenon.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Notenoughsex said:


> It’s always taken me some time to orgasm, if I’m going down on her she usually has an orgasm within 3-5 minutes. If she has an orgasm through PIV, she usually has an orgasm within 10-15 minutes. Keep in mind that either way, when she has her orgasm, whether I’m done or not, it’s over.


I'm curious about her having orgasms via PIV. Most women can't orgasm from PIV.

Based on this info, if she's done that quickly, she would have to give you a hand job or a BJ every time the two of you have sex.

You said that she won't go to counseling. You might want to consider going to counseling by yourself. You'd need a counselor who is also a sex therapist. There's got to be something that can be done to help you achieve orgasm in less time.

You say that your wife wants sex about once a month, so she's very low drive or low interest. This makes me wonder what the rest of your relationship is like. What sort of things do the two of you do together, just the two of you?


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## Notenoughsex (9 mo ago)

I don’t have The Death Grip lol, I’ve been like this since forever. Funny thing is the women that o previously had sex with over the years enjoyed the fact that it wasn’t over fast


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There’s “over fast” and then there’s 40 minutes every time. That can be very uncomfortable for many and nothing to look forward to doing frequently.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Hurt his feelings? In every circumstance that's just wrong and not normal. Silly even.
> Ignore his gas lighting you. In no world could that offend a guy.


I get it tho. He feels that he isn't satisfying me if we have to use lubricants. Just the same that I feel I'm not satisfying him if he can't finish.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I get it tho. He feels that he isn't satisfying me if we have to use lubricants. Just the same that I feel I'm not satisfying him if he can't finish.


His feeling isn't realistic or even near reality. Your feelings aren't totally uncommon yet aren't accurate here I'd say. He can always help you finish him, as part of the sexual encounter.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I heard about a guy who was so unhappy in the marriage that he said if things don't change I am out. It worked. 30 or so years later they are happily married.
> Another lady got so fed up with her husband's porn use she said either you stop or I am out. He stopped and they stayed married. It works. It shocks people into actually doing something about the situation.


Saying your unhappy is one thing, looking or saying your desperate is quite another.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> His feeling isn't realistic or even near reality. Your feelings aren't totally uncommon yet aren't accurate here I'd say. He can always help you finish him, as part of the sexual encounter.


He has ADD so bad and we once had sex for 3 hours and he still had to wait until his buzz wore off from drinking (which was the next day). It's a blessing and a curse.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> He has ADD so bad and we once had sex for 3 hours and he still had to wait until his buzz wore off from drinking (which was the next day). It's a blessing and a curse.


How are you responding as OP when @Notenoughsex was person who started the thread?
Just curious. Are you quoting OP?


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> How are you responding as OP when @Notenoughsex was person who started the thread?
> Just curious. Are you quoting OP?


Do what now? I have no idea what you mean? I just joined this thing a week ago.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Do what now? I have no idea what you mean? I just joined this thing a week ago.


If may just be the context. Your response was in the first person with as in if the OP was responding to request for addl info.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If may just be the context. Your response was in the first person with as in if the OP was responding to request for addl info.


Oh, I was answering your question to something that I said?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Two separate issues here. Delayed ejaculation and lack luster sex and frequency. 

For the DE. Generally speaking, if it takes you more than 30 minutes of stimulation to ejaculate it is considered DE. How long does it take you to ejaculate when masturbating and do you use porn? I started having issues with DE and I was able to correlate it to porn use. I stopped and the DE issue pretty much went away. There is a way to treat DE which is typically used for couples that want to conceive naturally, but the man has difficultly achieving orgasm. Basically you use a vibrator on your penis to get you close then you engage in intercourse with your partner. 

The quality and quantity of sex is the more difficult situation. A few questions. Do you initiate sex or do you ask for sex? There is quite a difference between the two. If you do initiate, how do you go about it? Are you giving your wife any reason to want to turn down sex, or not want sex with you? Do you know if she masturbates?


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