# addicted to masterbation as my wife rarely will have sex



## help i need sex (Apr 23, 2013)

I am 46 and have been married to my wife (who i love) for 16 years.
However she very rarely entertains sex and when she does, it is i who has to do everything and she lies there till its over.
Not only that, she is in pain almost every time i enter her which i believe is because we so rarely have sex (maybe once every 3/4 months). She has seen the doctor who confirms that she has no vaginal problems.
I therefore find myself masterbating a lot, which at my age is ridiculous. I do have quite a high sex drive. 
The other problem is that as sex is so rare, i cum very quickly.
So there you have it, lots of problems and i am becoming very desperate for some solutions and more sex.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Have you two done any counseling or has she done any IC to possibly uncover abuse issues in her past?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Is she menopausal?


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## help i need sex (Apr 23, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> Is she menopausal?


No definitely not


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Have you tried talking with her about this? Tried more foreplay with her?

Need more details.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

help i need sex said:


> i am becoming very desperate for some solutions and more sex.


Has she always been like this, or is something thats been happening recently? 

I have found that a lot of sexual issues in the bedroom, rarely have to with sex or lack there of, once you can get to the real root of the issue then sex may eventually return. How are things between the two of you outside of the bedroom? 

Anything else gone on in the marriage between the both of you in the past? Any resentment or anger towards you on her part etc?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

You too, huh?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

The pain during sex you might want to have her mention to her doctor.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

How was your sex life in the beginning...what changed, having kids... fighting... I am always amazed when a High drive partner can remained married to someone this low drive -- once every 3 to 4 months! Sexless is considered less than 10 times a year...by Sex Therapists. 

*1*. *How many years have you been sexless?* It makes sense if she is only doing it 4 times a year - her V is Tight. 

*2*. Do you know if she *masterbates *herself ? (some women can only "O" with a toy ....I remember one man's story - sexless marriage while she was off masterbating -he never knew. Huge blow. 

*3.* Is she on any *meds / birth control* to zap her sex drive?

*4*. What about* Physical attraction*?

*5.* *Resentment* ...over ongoing marital issues...that has went silent...so often this manifests itself in sinking the sexual intimacy.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

What is your question?

Addiction to masturbation? I wouldn't call it an addiction unless you find the need to masturbate at work, public buses, etc... and can't control yourself. Otherwise, you are just filling a need. Unfortunately masturbating doesn't quite come close to the real thing. So if you would like to have "real" sex twice a week, you probably have to masturbate 5-6 times per week.

Her not interested in sex? Go through the sexless marriage posts in the Sex in Marriage forum. You will get plenty of answers there.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

There's other types of sex besides the one where you enter her.

You could also try anal and if that doesn't work then she at least can pleasure you orally and you could do the same for her.

If she declines that, well then it's probably safe to assume the "pain" is just an excuse.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

northland said:


> There's other types of sex besides the one where you enter her.
> 
> You could also try anal and if that doesn't work then she at least can pleasure you orally and you could do the same for her.
> 
> If she declines that, well then it's probably safe to assume the "pain" is just an excuse.


That's what I'm afraid of...the "excuse".


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

F-102 said:


> That's what I'm afraid of...the "excuse".


Well, if it's an excuse and nothing more, you need to know it.

It won't change anything but at least you know where you stand.


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

northland said:


> There's other types of sex besides the one where you enter her.
> 
> You could also try anal and if that doesn't work then she at least can pleasure you orally and you could do the same for her.
> 
> If she declines that, well then it's probably safe to assume the "pain" is just an excuse.


At the risk of sounding feminist (which I am certainly not):

A woman who doesn't want to give oral or anal MUST be using pain as an excuse if she's saying vaginal is painful? Some women have moral or other boundaries which prevent them from giving oral or anal sex. I don't think this is a safe assumption at all, unless the wife has previously been excited about oral or anal sex. 

My two cents for F-102: Talk to your wife - but I don't mean you should just talk about how you feel and how you miss sex. I think that can end up in the "same old" category, and any previous arguments can end up resurfacing if you reenter the same territory. 

Try talking about her. Ask her what's exciting, and if she masturbates, and how she's been feeling. Tell her you want to make her feel good. If you make it about her, it's not only more romantic; it also indicates that you're taking her needs into consideration (over your own).

You can also try doing some more physical romantic things without sex - like kissing and hugging, and snuggling. If you're more physically affectionate, it's possible it could make her more likely to think of initiating sex herself. 

Another idea might be to try the romantic evening thing. But, instead of dinner and roses, you can try to spark something different - like events you would have gone to when younger, or something else nostalgic. Something that would be fun to do again, or something that would be fun to try, which you wouldn't normally do. 

I think people tend to want sex less when they're either stressed/anxious or depressed (and sometimes people seem like they're quite calm when they're not). It's possible this is true in your wife's case.

I've been with someone who had a much lower sex drive than me, and I know it was exacerbated by 1) their stress and 2) my frequent attempts at initiation. With that person, it helped to back off, which gave him a chance to initiate eventually. I still didn't get a lot, but I got more than when I was trying to initiate and he was pushing back, as it were. Stress is a bit tougher... but if you work towards remedying any causes of stress or depression, that can go a long ways towards a better sex life as well. 

*Also: Lube. *
Lube is good stuff.


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

I would show her this thread. Plop down next to her in bed and read it with her. 

99% of the time communication is the problem. I've suffered in silence many times in my marriage needlessly. I have a tendency to be a pleaser, and so I sometimes have felt bad expressing my desires if I thought it would make her uncomfortable or hurt her in any way. I went almost 7 years without ever getting a BJ in my marriage because she was nervous about trying it and I never told her I wanted one (or if I did, it was just a hint). Fast forward: Double oral (69) is pretty common in our sex life, and she often initiates a BJ now, which is amazing!

I would guess that you have had a very hard time communicating with your wife about sex and a lot of other things. It is time to open up that communication door. You need to be open and honest with her, even if it hurts her and she cries (and you cry, too). It is never too late to start again. My fear was that if I communicated my sexual needs to my wife that she would feel hurt and inadequate. Or maybe even worse is that she would just not care and continue on with life.

She needs to know she isn't meeting your needs and you feel forced to find release elsewhere. You need to come clean about everything. If you are using porn to masturbate, tell her that, too. Get it all out there. 

In my case, I haven't told my wife that in the past (I'm recovering) I viewed porn and masturbated a lot as a supplement to her low libido. She wasn't meeting my needs and I didn't feel it was fair to push her to meet my needs when she didn't have the same needs -- sort of like me pushing her to eat when she isn't hungry -- but I was starving! It was as if she was fine eating once a week and not hungry -- but that wasn't good enough for me.

I personally view it as spousal abuse when a wife will not consider the sexual appetite of her husband and just expect his appetite to match hers. I think it is selfish as her desiring more romance and the husband not caring to "do that fluffy stuff". In your case, your wife is abusing you sexually, and this is actually grounds (in court) for divorce. I would say this is serious enough to start really communicating with her or considering parting company.

So many women (billions) have been abandoned (divorced, or whatever) because they didn't understand their partners had needs sexually that were not being met. Sometimes women leave men for the same reason, but this is rare in comparison (and always makes me smirk because it gives me hope that at least a few women know how it feels!)


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

northland said:


> There's other types of sex besides the one where you enter her.
> 
> You could also try anal and if that doesn't work then she at least can pleasure you orally and you could do the same for her.
> 
> If she declines that, well then it's probably safe to assume the "pain" is just an excuse.


Yeah, I'm sure when he suggests anal, she's going to be all over that one. She won't be able to grab the lube fast enough.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

help i need sex said:


> I am 46 and have been married to my wife (who i love) for 16 years.
> However she very rarely entertains sex and when she does, it is i who has to do everything and she lies there till its over.
> Not only that, she is in pain almost every time i enter her which i believe is because we so rarely have sex (maybe once every 3/4 months). She has seen the doctor who confirms that she has no vaginal problems.
> I therefore find myself masterbating a lot, which at my age is ridiculous. I do have quite a high sex drive.
> ...


How tall are you, what do you weigh? What's the number on the waistband of your jeans? How often to women come up and hit on you?


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Yeah, I'm sure when he suggests anal, she's going to be all over that one. She won't be able to grab the lube fast enough.


:iagree: :rofl:


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Machiavelli said:


> How tall are you, what do you weigh? What's the number on the waistband of your jeans? How often to women come up and hit on you?


See these are the questions I wanted to ask. Maybe you're too heavy for your wife... and you no longer stimulate her physically and sexually because of your physical state. I know it sounds shallow and rude, but when we let ourselves go, we also have to consider what else we have to let go of too... and sex might be one of them. Attraction is important. You need to stimulate her on all levels though, not just sexual arousal. Do you two talk? Or does it seem to be one sided? Do you spend long amounts of time in the same room together, not including sleep? Stimulate. Stimulate. Stimulate. And maybe some therapy to help both of you open up to each other, in more ways than one.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Also I wanted to say that I have a good friend who is young and has a young lady friend, they live together, and have great sex about 3-5 times a week. Yet he still has to rub one out every single day. He even told me that if he can't find time at home, he'll do it on his lunch break, which I find extremely disturbing that he plans out when he's going to masturbate. Just know that you're not addicted, you're just a regularly sexualized male.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

There is hope OP but it is not a quick fix.

Stay tuned look for THE PLAN later this spring/summer


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> How tall are you, what do you weigh? What's the number on the waistband of your jeans? How often to women come up and hit on you?


Maybe a nicer way to word this would be:

Have you changed physically since getting married? Gained or lost weight? Have you let yourself go at all? Do you keep up your personal hygiene like you used to?

I hope we can safely assume the couple shared physical attraction when they first got together.


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