# At wits end with binge drinking husband



## isthisnormal

Me and my husband have been married for almost a year. We have however been dating for 7 years. In this 7 years he has proven over and over again that he cant control his drinking! Drinking one or 2 drinks with friends is a concept unknown to him.

The worst of it all is that he thinks it is fine and normal to drink at least 5 beers (500ml each) within 3 hours! He doesn't drink in the week, and only binges over weekends and at events. The other problem is that he becomes very stubborn and irresponsible when drinking. He drives drunk, will argue for hours that he is not drunk, and has very recently even walked into an unknown neighborhood in a dangerous area while visiting friends, in an attempt to prove a point (sort off like a 2 year old tantrum).

I am so fed up off apologizing to all my friends for his behavior, as he becomes extremely embarrassing. I never get to enjoy myself if we go anywhere because I have to play cob and ensure that he drinks responsible (not that it works)!!

I am so glad that we dont have kids yet, as I dont want my kinds to see how irresponsible their dad is! I cant trust him alone with alcohol (aka going to friends when I am not there to ensure he wont drink and drive ect). What makes matters worse is the fact that he grew up in a house were alcohol is an acceptable form of having "fun"and being drunk is the only way people are perceived to enjoy themselves.

I am really at my wits end, and feel that if there is no hope i must get out of this marriage before we have kids!!! Will he ever change? Will he ever grow up? And can I believe the promises he makes after embarrassing me at events (promising that it will never happen again)?

PLEASE ADVICE!!!!!


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## mikey11

He will only change if he wants to change, and that will be in the form of professional help, this is something that will not simply go away on its own, if ever
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69

Sometimes it takes something drastic to happen or for the person to hit rock bottom before they will wake up, and even that is not a guarantee. 

Unfortunately you can't change or fix him. So my recommendation for you, is to take care of yourself. Find local Alanon meeting groups in your area and try to attend those. Also get the book Co Dependent No More, by Melody Beattie. 

I will tell you, its going to have to be up to you to decide what you feel you want and need to do about your marriage. You can sit and wait in hopes he wakes up and sees the light, (which may or may not ever happen) or you can move on with your life. I can tell you too, if you choose to stay ( and I'm by no means saying you need to throw in the towel) but if you stay it is very important that you learn to take care of you! That is where the Alanon support groups will be helpful to you.

DO NOT bring kids into this situation unless he gets some serious help. Its good that so far you do not have any. Its a rough journey, one that can be overcome, but makes it all the more harder if kids are involved.


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## Riverside MFT

trey69 said:


> Sometimes it takes something drastic to happen or for the person to hit rock bottom before they will wake up, and even that is not a guarantee.
> 
> Unfortunately you can't change or fix him. So my recommendation for you, is to take care of yourself. Find local Alanon meeting groups in your area and try to attend those. Also get the book Co Dependent No More, by Melody Beattie.


:iagree: Get yourself to an Alanon group. They are easy to find. You can just google them in your area.

For those struggling with addictions, they usually will not begin to progress until the pain of continuing in the addiction becomes worse than the pain of trying to overcome the addiction.

Maybe you saying that you are going to be leaving would be a wake-up call to him. Then again, maybe not.


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## brendan

sounds like he only drinks 2 to 3 days a week which isnt that bad. 2.5Litres in 3 gours is a bit much i guess.

I never use to drink monday to thursday then drink on fri sat and sun. Maybe 12 on a fri, rhen 16 on a sat then 6 on a sunday. Although it wasnt a problem with my relationship and i was a happy drinker i decided to change once my daughter was born.

I now drink 6 days a week but only about 2 beers a night or one wine then maybe one night ill have 6 or 7. Find it much better however i get remarks from my wife that i drink to much now??????
Average a week now is 17 cans where as 4 years ago would have been 33 and she never said a thing. STRANGE


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## TwoDogs

trey69 said:


> Sometimes it takes something drastic to happen or for the person to hit rock bottom before they will wake up, and even that is not a guarantee.
> 
> Unfortunately you can't change or fix him. So my recommendation for you, is to take care of yourself. Find local Alanon meeting groups in your area and try to attend those. Also get the book Co Dependent No More, by Melody Beattie.


:iagree:

I highly recommend the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews -- don't get too excited, it's a bit of a misnomer as it's more about what you can do for YOU than for the drinker.

Definitely look into Al-Anon. You don't have to officially label him as an "alcoholic" to qualify, it's enough that his drinking is causing a problem for you.


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## Runs like Dog

oooh drunk driving, awesome. Those people should be beaten half to death with lacrosse sticks.


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## ankrkp1

Wow! I can tell you that your situation is very similar to mine. I've posted most recently under this name and previously posted under Sam13. My H is similar...binges on the weekend and makes irresponsible decisions and / or doesn't come home. We tried marriage counseling which didn't really help too much. I've been in IC since February and its been the best thing for me. My councilor has helped me to find my identity again and to focus on myself. I have read "codependency no more" and it helped tremendously. Everything got to the point of me being unhappy and unwilling to live my life like this. Enough was enough. I'm young, no kids, and I decided to separate to see what happens. We have been separated for about 4-5 weeks now. Some days are better than others. I have tried al-anon. I personally did not like it too much. But you should try it for yourself and like the previous posts, find a way to take care of yourself and get a good support system around you for you to be able to talk to. If you don't have people to talk to or want someone impartial to help you sort through ur thoughts (bc things can be terribly confusing in a "codependency relationship) then find a therapist that u feel comfortable talking to. Just know you are not alone even though it probably feels that way and you do have a voice and choice.....best of luck to you.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sillybil

OMG I thought I was the only one with H drinking and not coming home. He still thinks it's ok to do so just because he is arguing with me then he went drinking and dont come home. He hasnt been home fro almost 3 weeks now but came home to get his clothes or shower and walk around in his dirty shoes in the house and doesnt care that I have to clean it up after. He is a very nasty obnoxious person. He threaten me so many times financially and blame me for everything out of no where. I am in the process of getting the separation so I have to find a way to finished the renovation at home so we can put it on the market to sell but he refuse to pay and threaten me so I am really struggling now. I know he is trying to postponed to sell this house as long as he can and torture me as much as he can. But I want out!!
He denied the problem is him as he doesnt want to be blame for everything. But he forgot the problem came from his drinking. Never mind he doesnt think I am as important as he choose to keep drinking. Also that I found out after reading about bipolar disorder that I think he has many of the symptoms which is scary. It said that when this type of disorder mixed with alcohol it will trigger the worse. I have also put a note in calender of when he is starting his pattern and it is exactly every 3 to 4 months, when the season change. Anyway, he doesnt want to admitted that he has a problem so there is nothing I can do, I dont want to live that way anymore. People like that needs to realise what is more important in their live maybe they never change and if they do only when they want to. It is not fair to put thru someone you love this way. It is very painful I know, I am going thru this and it is destroying my self confidence, thinking that this is all my fault while it is actualy him who manipulate my mind. I tell you this person became an evil, unreasonable in anyway and very nasty. I understand how you feel. I wish you the best luck.


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## VENOMIZED_199

Hi All,

I am currently having an issue. I am a married man who binge drinks and does not go home either. The reason I don't go home is because I do not want the kids to see me feeling no pain. My kids are 13 and 9 and I love them dearly. It does not happen to often but more than once is too much. I will go out with friends, have some drinks and go all night. I will then pass out at a friends place and usually go home the next day but I have done this where it stretches for two nights. This juust happened over the last couple of nights and I need help on stopping this for good. I am not mean nor hurtful to anyone (meaning the wife and kids). When I come home I don't say anything as I do not want to start an argument. I really need some good adivice on how I can put the drinks down for good because it is obvious that it is causing chaos in my life. Please help!!!


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## Schill

trey69 said:


> Sometimes it takes something drastic to happen or for the person to hit rock bottom before they will wake up, and even that is not a guarantee.


This right here.

Also, stop being his babysitter and apologizing for him. You're not his mother. Just tell your friends like it is, no need to defend him, you've already done all you can. You can't help him.


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## sisters359

No, it is not normal. I don't know why people recommend alanon--you don't have kids, so cut your losses and leave him. He *might* someday become a recovered alcoholic, but are you willing to risk your kids' happiness--and maybe their lives--on that, if you should have kids with him? This is very serious stuff--and maybe if you leave and don't look back, it will be the "wake up" call he needs before he kills someone. 

Alcoholism is a terrible disease, but it is also one that the sufferer can only solve on their own, by committing to sobriety and putting everything aside while gaining that end. A full and permanent sobriety can and does happen, but only when the person has made the choice that s/he wants a better life. Millions of alcoholics love their kids and families, but still can't stop drinking--there are often underlying mental health issues, too, so it's a huge challenge.

Don't go there with him--there is no point. It won't help him and it will just hurt you. I'm pretty certain that no one would ever judge you for deciding not to risk your happiness with an alcoholic--and if they do, let them go live the rest of their days with him. 

There is no "good" hubby without this other side of him, remember, and the risk of him reverting back to alchol when under stress (kids, finances, etc) are very high. Please do not bring children into this world that will love him and be hurt badly by him. 

Good luck, to both of you. I have complete sympathy for him but cannot in good conscience encourage you to stay, given the circumstances.


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## endlessgrief

I too am in the same position you are, going on 20 years. I must be blunt, he will not change until he is ready (which may be never). Denial is more powerful than alcohol. It is NOT your fault. Thank God you have no children during this situation. I made the same decision. This is not your fault. His family views drinking as okay. His explanation is that it is only on the weekends. This is not your fault. A bad sign of things to come is his change in personality when he drinks. It will only escalate. By making excuses for him and taking care of him, you are enabling him which hurts you as much as it hurts him. Read up on co-dependant/enabling and I will bet you will be able to relate. Oh, and did I mention that this is NOT your fault?


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## Darlene Lancer JD MFT

The best place for help with drinking or a relationship with a drinker is A.A. for the drinker and Al-Anon for his or her partner. As said above, you can't make anyone stop until and unless they are ready. You can set boundaries, but don't make threats you're not prepared to carry out, as it undermines your credibility. You'll need outside support to do so from a therapist or Al-Anon. I have both helped people with these issues and have lived them.


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## Mavash.

Why did you marry him when you knew he couldn't control his drinking?


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## becky1234

I can't give you better advice but I can sympathise because I've been through it all myself. 

I think that people who binge drink feel they are not alcoholics because they can go without a drink for sometimes long periods of time. My husband did, but he always went back to the bottle and he was always so sorry afterwards. 

I enabled him by trying to ignore the problem, shielding him from the family and pretending everything was ok. For the first 10 years of my marriage I put up with this and went through hell. There's no point staying in it, because he ends up killing all the love and respect anyway. I have children and they don't want anything to do with him anymore.

Now I have someone who is dry but angry and difficult to live with. And finally we've separated because I can't live with him anymore. So I've wasted 13 years of my life.

Don't do what I've done!
Take action NOW.


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## endlessgrief

I married my husband knowing he was a drunk. I was soooo young, early 20's and get this one . . . I THOUGHT I COULD CHANGE HIM. I hope that I can help some young people to recognize the signs and NOT marry an alki no matter how nice he is when he was sober. My life would have been different so much better had I not married my husband and learned to deal with a drunk. Lots of therapy, ALANON, blah blah blah. 
\
It is 20 years later, and where is hubby now? Drinking a fifth of rum while he plays on Mafia Wars. THEY NEVER CHANGE FOR YOU, NEVER NEVER NEVER. Run if you can!


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