# I Think I'm Insane



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I feel like I've been trying to hug a porcupine. The harder I try to hold on, the more it hurts.

And its rabid. And its on fire. 

A rabid, pyromaniac porcupine that seems to want little to do with me at the moment, yet I'm trying to chase it down so I can squeeze it and love on it - while it pokes, burns and bites me.

It also lies to me - tells me its really a dog, but everyone I've talked to confirms its obviously a porcupine. 

I think its time I put the rabid, lying, flaming, pokey porcupine down for a little while and try to figure out why letting go of something so painful seems so DIFFICULT.

That, my friends, is insanity.


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

If I knew where your original story is I would read it. Im doing the same thing only the porcupine has made it more than clear he done with the relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I've deleted my story and changed my name a couple of times because this porcupine - though self destructive - is also fairly smart.

My story is just like almost all the others - except I think I've held on and taken more damage than most - thinking I was doing the right thing.


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

well geez im sorry to hear that. will you be spending thanksgiving with the porcupine?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'm obviously trying to use a little humor here to help with the really lousy feeling I've got in my gut.

My "DW" is out looking at apartments and used furniture today. She was also planning to call her parents - who she has also managed to create distance with - to find out about Thksgiving plans.

At some point this weekend, we will get to tell our two kids that Mommy and Daddy are going to try separating again (last time she went to a hotel for a week), but that doesn't mean we are getting a divorce. In fact, we are trying very hard to make things better.

Gonna be a real Holiday Weekend Extravaganza. 

"But in the end its still so lonely...
In the night I hear 'em talk
The coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul
To a woman so heartless"


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

so - how about you noidea - any big weekend plans?


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Sorry to hear nice777guy. It seems a lot of us on here have "porcupines" for spouses. Change is always difficult. There is a comfort in history. "Leaving is always the hardest part of going." What compounds matters even more I'm sure, is that at some point your porcupines quills were kind of soft, and it was pretty tame. I bet it even ate out of your hand, and made a cute little purring noise when it was happy.

It's normal to think that only if you could put your flaming porcupine out, cut its' quills, tame it, vacinate it, and declaw it everything would be fine. Unfortunately, that's a BIG "to do" list. For me hope was the last thing to go. I wish you the best with your "pet", but I understand very well why you want to keep on "hugging" it. LIL


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You are not the first to cling to hope where others see none. Without question, you won't be the last.

Hope isn't a bad thing - until it becomes a bad thing. When clinging to hope consistently causes you pain and you won't relinquish it, this is when you cross over to insanity.

Ok, so you listened to "Heartless" off Kanye's album, now go listen to "Stronger" (it's Kanye, but don't know if it's same album)

Got both songs on my mp3 player ... and listen to Stronger when I'm running.

Be a fisher, they eat porcupines.

My 2 cents where the kids are concerned, is just be careful of giving them false hope. I don't know their ages, but given your circumstances, I would avoid "this doesn't mean we are getting a divorce." By default, your first thought is to stress that mom and dad are working to 'fix' things - and that simply isn't always the case. From your wife's perspective, she is taking yet another step of moving away from you, not fixing the marriage.

Best, on the holiday.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

The Good Life - I can't exactly relate to a lot of Kanye's lyrics, but I like that song too. Was "dancing" with my youngest daughter to it not so long ago.

Gotta admit that "in the end its still so lonely" line is really stuck in my head right now.

Thanks Deejo and LIL. Have a great weekend.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I dance with my daughter all the time to "I've Gotta Feelin'" by BEP

Smile lots, enjoy your children, don't pet the porcupine ...

Happy Thanksgiving. There is still plenty to be thankful for.


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Yes nice guy I have his and my family coming. Everyone including the kids know were headed for the d word. He has told most of them that hes the one who wants out. Only my sis knows hes seeing someone else and she can be trusted. So looks like this will be the last thanksgiving for all of us to be together. You have a porcupine and i have a vow breaking turkey. Gobble gobble.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Nice guy just checking in on you. How was tthanksgiving dinner. Any progress with porcupiness?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Decent day - can't complain.

Regardless of what happens or how things go from here, I've decided to stop "squeezing" so hard.

Or - better put - Let Go and Let God.

She's moving to an apartment this week - a "trial" separation. We get to tell the kids tomorrow. Just not going to be as much fun putting up the tree this year.

I am at least proud of myself for standing my ground about the house and the kids. She's the one leaving - not me.

I'm not sure how you "work" on a marriage while apart, but I don't think it can really get much worse. I'm willing to try just about anything at this point.

Hope you all had a good holiday and remembered to give thanks for the good things we all still have in our lives.


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## forwardtherapy (Nov 25, 2009)

Is some time out going to smooth the Spikiness? If so, maybe it is not such a bad idea!
What struck me was that your love and hugging continues despite the Spikiness. What has made it possible for you to do this? Do you have memories of Softness? The Spikiness is not about you. What will help you to remain loving for when the Softness returns (or the Spikiness is no longer so painful)?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

forwardtherapy said:


> Is some time out going to smooth the Spikiness? If so, maybe it is not such a bad idea!
> What struck me was that your love and hugging continues despite the Spikiness. What has made it possible for you to do this? Do you have memories of Softness? The Spikiness is not about you. What will help you to remain loving for when the Softness returns (or the Spikiness is no longer so painful)?


I'm trying to balance 14.5 years of a good, decent marriage against 6 months of things I don't understand.

I'm finding that the less I worry about what she's doing, the better I feel.

I'm just not sure that's how we fix things in the long run. A "trial separation" feels more like getting comfortable with creating a more permanent distance.

Also we have two kids - I feel we owe them the effort. And we no longer have any easy choices. Divorce / separation / fighting through these problems - nothing will be easy, so I'm fighting for what I think is right.

More song lyrics stuck in my head - Don Henley - Heart of the Matter:

"The more I know, the less I understand"

Simple, but says a lot to me right now. Thought I had this figured out. Lying = bad. Never been a problem before, so just wait it out a bit and she'll stop. But it just isn't quite working out like that. Thanks for listening.


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## forwardtherapy (Nov 25, 2009)

So Worry is contributing to feeling bad?
And you have found that if you can keep Worry to a minimum, you feel better?
What particular Goodness and Decency you drawing from 14.5 years of marriage to be able to keep Worry to a minimum?
Or are there other values and beliefs you have about Worry that assist you to reduce its influence on you?
Are there other song lyrics that sustain you or comfort you at this time?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

For 14.5 years we weren't lying to each other. Things weren't perfect, but we were there when we needed one another. There were questions about how we spent time and energy, but never any doubt about one's commitment to the marriage.

Worry = feeling bad. But, I'm not sure that "worrying" has ever actually helped anyone. So - that, I guess, is where our new living arrangements will help. Out of sight - out of mind.

Will think more about those lyrics. If I wanted to be really corny I could dance around my living room singing "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor!!! Or start working out every morning listening to the Rocky theme!

Mostly though, while she's gone, the amps that have been in the garage are comin' in the bedroom, along with the dumbbells. Maybe I won't worry about the words so much - but just make some f'n noise.


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