# Lawyer Told Him to Tie Up His Money



## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

Today I found out that my stbx's lawyer advised him to tie up his money (legally, whatever that includes) by paying for daycare for the days he has the kids and other ways I haven't learned yet. The purpose is to use up his money so that I have to get state aid for food, insurance, housing, and bills. His lawyer also said he will only have to pay spousal support until I graduate with my master's degree. I was going to graduate this April, but I will have to get a job and reduce my courses to one a semester. My psych doctor has ordered me to not work full-time and take more than one course at the same time. I have 10 courses left, so that will take me 10 semesters (using fall, winter, summer I, and summer II) if he ties up his money and pushes me onto governmetn support. 

I would like to know if it is normal for a joint custody parent to pay for daycare 2 weeks every month, even if I am home able to watch them for free? It seems like a huge waste of money. Is it true that if he had me watch the kids while he is at work that he would lose his right to half custody? That is what he has told me.


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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

One more thing, his lawyer told him to not have me sign the lease to the apartment he has applied for, however, he has already given notice to vacate our current apartment. We cannot extend the lease and have to be moved out by July 30th. He was looking to rent 2 apartments but changed his mind and rented a more expensive 2 bedroom. He told me to live there until April when I graduate and have a job, so that he and I could save money. But if I don't sign the lease I cannot legally live in that apartment correct?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

How old are your children? How long were you married?

Spousal support doesn't exist in Australia, once a couple files for legal separation, their obligations to each other cease. Divorce is only granted though when they can prove that acceptable arrangements have been made to provide for any children of the marriage.

I'm unsure why you would want your ex husband supporting you anyway?


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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

frusdil said:


> How old are your children? How long were you married?
> 
> Spousal support doesn't exist in Australia, once a couple files for legal separation, their obligations to each other cease. Divorce is only granted though when they can prove that acceptable arrangements have been made to provide for any children of the marriage.
> 
> I'm unsure why you would want your ex husband supporting you anyway?


We've been married for 5 years, kids are 4 and 1 years old. 

I'm glad I don't live in Australia, sounds like a one-sided system.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

luxnoctis said:


> Today I found out that my stbx's lawyer advised him to tie up his money (legally, whatever that includes) by paying for daycare for the days he has the kids and other ways I haven't learned yet. The purpose is to use up his money so that I have to get state aid for food, insurance, housing, and bills. His lawyer also said he will only have to pay spousal support until I graduate with my master's degree. I was going to graduate this April, but I will have to get a job and reduce my courses to one a semester. My psych doctor has ordered me to not work full-time and take more than one course at the same time. I have 10 courses left, so that will take me 10 semesters (using fall, winter, summer I, and summer II) if he ties up his money and pushes me onto governmetn support.
> 
> I would like to know if it is normal for a joint custody parent to pay for daycare 2 weeks every month, even if I am home able to watch them for free? It seems like a huge waste of money. Is it true that if he had me watch the kids while he is at work that he would lose his right to half custody? That is what he has told me.


I doubt his lawyer told him this and doubt it would help you get state aid. You really need to talk to a lawyer yourself. Your stbx is playing games with you. Neither of you have filed for a divorce or a legal separation. This would go for his apartment that he put his name only. Your legally married, simply put his residence is yours. He can't kick you out.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

honcho said:


> I doubt his lawyer told him this and doubt it would help you get state aid. You really need to talk to a lawyer yourself. Your stbx is playing games with you. Neither of you have filed for a divorce or a legal separation. This would go for his apartment that he put his name only. Your legally married, simply put his residence is yours. He can't kick you out.


IIRC, OP lives in Wayne County, MI? If so, yeah, Pure Michigan. 

They were renting and the lease is up. After July 30, neither has claim to the marital home. He's not kicking her out, the landlord is kicking them both out, so to speak.

As far as the new apartment, it's a grey area. Despite them being married if she's not on the lease he isn't obligated to allow her to live there. If he does let her live there without her on the lease the management company can violate him and he'd have to formally evict her to make her leave. BTDT.

What his lawyer is advising is smart. The child support system here is boinked. The court takes into account expenses and can only take up to 50% of his "available income". Paying rent and utilities plus daycare reduces his "available income" and lowers his support obligation. With OP being a student and getting less in support, she'd qualify for state aid and food stamps. Went through that with my ex, too.

OP, you really do need legal help. For example, first refusal is common in custody agreements here. It means that, during his parenting time, if he needs to leave the children with a sitter, he has to offer that time to you, first. If you decline, then he can get a sitter. First refusal stops unnecessary daycare expenses on days you are available to care for the kids.

Since he initiated this, he should be required to pay your legal expenses. Talk to attorneys.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

luxnoctis said:


> Today I found out that my stbx's lawyer advised him to tie up his money (legally, whatever that includes) by paying for daycare for the days he has the kids and other ways I haven't learned yet. The purpose is to use up his money so that I have to get state aid for food, insurance, housing, and bills. His lawyer also said he will only have to pay spousal support until I graduate with my master's degree. I was going to graduate this April, but I will have to get a job and reduce my courses to one a semester. My psych doctor has ordered me to not work full-time and take more than one course at the same time. I have 10 courses left, so that will take me 10 semesters (using fall, winter, summer I, and summer II) if he ties up his money and pushes me onto governmetn support.
> 
> I would like to know if it is normal for a joint custody parent to pay for daycare 2 weeks every month, even if I am home able to watch them for free? It seems like a huge waste of money. Is it true that if he had me watch the kids while he is at work that he would lose his right to half custody? That is what he has told me.


Never take legal advice from your soon to be ex.


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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> IIRC, OP lives in Wayne County, MI? If so, yeah, Pure Michigan.
> 
> They were renting and the lease is up. After July 30, neither has claim to the marital home. He's not kicking her out, the landlord is kicking them both out, so to speak.
> 
> ...


Thank you. We are actually living in Oakland Country right now. I'm always available to watch the kids during the day, as I have been doing for years. My master's classes are in the evening. I have an appt with an attorney tomorrow. I'm going to ask her about all of this. Thanks for answering my question about daycare.


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## xxxSHxYZxxx (Apr 1, 2013)

Something you need to remember is that you and your ex are now totally separate except for the kid. Your financial issues have nothing to do with him. If you watched the kid while he is at work you could easily use that as ammo against him for custody and child support. 

As far as the apartment goes he's doing that so you can't have him removed while sticking him with the rent. If he's been trust worthy so far you shouldn't worry about it unless your planning on calling sweaters rights and forcing him to evict you

Sent from my SM-G928T using Tapatalk


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## xxxSHxYZxxx (Apr 1, 2013)

luxnoctis said:


> We've been married for 5 years, kids are 4 and 1 years old.
> 
> I'm glad I don't live in Australia, sounds like a one-sided system.


Bwhahahahaha the US family court IS one sided. It sides with the woman

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

luxnoctis said:


> Thank you. We are actually living in Oakland Country right now. I'm always available to watch the kids during the day, as I have been doing for years. My master's classes are in the evening. I have an appt with an attorney tomorrow. I'm going to ask her about all of this. Thanks for answering my question about daycare.


So now he is claiming that he has an attorney?

I'm glad that you finally decided to see a lawyer.

When you talk to your lawyer, make sure you ask about your husband providing you with enough money so that you can rent a place that both you and your children can live in. He cannot throw you on the street... not if you fight it.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

He is setting you up for a kill shot. Demand right of first refusal until you are working. The comment by xxx... may or may not be out of bounds. Reframe the question: so your husband would rather pay for day care for 2 children then pay you for day care. Why can't he use you for daycare, dropping them off and picking them up like a day care provider and give you that money instead? Bye the bye day care provides that offer extended day care after hours charge a hefty premium for that service.


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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> So now he is claiming that he has an attorney?
> 
> I'm glad that you finally decided to see a lawyer.
> 
> When you talk to your lawyer, make sure you ask about your husband providing you with enough money so that you can rent a place that both you and your children can live in. He cannot throw you on the street... not if you fight it.


He talked to an attorney on the phone. I saw an attorney today and she told me because we are married and no court action has been filed he absolutely can throw me out on the street. She said only after he has done that can I file a support case to have the court make a judgement on his responsibility to support me and not just throw me out. She said the most secure thing for me right now is to get on the new lease with him while he is in this agreeable mood. Then he will not have the right to throw me out, and we would have to plan who is moving out to a new place. I can't think right now about what else she said, but a few things were different than the advice mentioned on TAM.


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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

She told me that a judge is highly unlikely to accept daycare during his parenting time when I'm available to watch the kids. She also said that its better to go for full custody because of my primary caregiver role, but that at least I would be the primary residence and he would have the kids for about 130 days a year. A couple nights a week and alternating weekends. She implied that 50-50 physical custody would be unlikely.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It would be interesting to know what the difference is.

When I and others said that he cannot throw you out, we meant two things.

One is that he cannot just push you out the front door, lock it and tell you that you cannot live in the place that has your name on the lease or that has been your residence.

Yes he can sign a new lease in his name only and then not allow you to live in that new place. That's different from throwing you out.

I also meant that if he does move into the new place, with a lease in his name only, then you can the right to sue him for divorce, support, and your portion of the assets.

You also have the right at this time to sue for divorce whether your are living with him or not. And when you do sue for divorce, you have the right to ask for support. He does not have to file for divorce first.

If he is being agreeable to putting you on the new lease, go for it. Then decide what you are going to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

luxnoctis said:


> She told me that a judge is highly unlikely to accept daycare during his parenting time when I'm available to watch the kids. She also said that its better to go for full custody because of my primary caregiver role, but that at least I would be the primary residence and he would have the kids for about 130 days a year. A couple nights a week and alternating weekends. She implied that 50-50 physical custody would be unlikely.


Good.

Some states try to do a 50/50 custody these days. Others do not. My state does.

Those that do not argue that it's better for the children to have one primary home.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Document everything he does or doesn't do. Document everything you do. Especially related to the children. You are trying to build verification of how much parenting you do vs how much he does. Also document what he says about "throwing you out". This shows his intent to make you homeless. He is engaged in a premeditated plan to make it impossible for you to live under the same roof as him, and given the finances it makes it impossible for you to have the kids in your own decent home. Document this.

He is likely to portray it as you abandoned him and the kids. He is going to try to portray you as a bad mom. This is why you need the documentation so you can refute what he claims. You can even then show he made a plan to alienate you from your own kids, and then he executed that plan. This shows a lot about him, and would help a judge see not only that he lies about you as a mom but that he is stone cold when it comes to the welfare of the children - it is in the kids' interest to see their mom regularly. So if he schemes to keep them away from you, he is harming the kids. This may make the judge more sympathetic to you than to him, and it may result in you getting more time and $.

If you can get on the lease, definitely do that! It does protect you.

Either buy a Voice Activated Recorder or use your cell phone to record conversations. Check with your state laws if you can record without his specific permission. A recording of him agreeing to put you on the lease and then him refusing to put you on the lease (if that ends up happening) is another level of documentation to prove his schemes. If you are having any conversations about child custody or other important topics, having him recorded may come in handy. But it has to be legal in order to be useful in court.


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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Good.
> 
> Some states try to do a 50/50 custody these days. Others do not. My state does.
> 
> Those that do not argue that it's better for the children to have one primary home.


The michigan bar association has been repeatedly trying to influence congress to pass an automatic 50/50 custody but it has failed every time. 

How do I do a 180? He still relies heavily on me for reassurances and emotional support. He asks my opinions and advice on so many things. It annoys me a lot when its something he should be figuring out on his own, but even more so knowing he doesn't want a life with me. In the past whatever I tried to not be the "friend" he asks for help never worked. What should I say when he tries to ask for support or reassurance that something will work out without causing a fight?


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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

Thor said:


> Document everything he does or doesn't do. Document everything you do. Especially related to the children. You are trying to build verification of how much parenting you do vs how much he does. Also document what he says about "throwing you out". This shows his intent to make you homeless. He is engaged in a premeditated plan to make it impossible for you to live under the same roof as him, and given the finances it makes it impossible for you to have the kids in your own decent home. Document this.
> 
> He is likely to portray it as you abandoned him and the kids. He is going to try to portray you as a bad mom. This is why you need the documentation so you can refute what he claims. You can even then show he made a plan to alienate you from your own kids, and then he executed that plan. This shows a lot about him, and would help a judge see not only that he lies about you as a mom but that he is stone cold when it comes to the welfare of the children - it is in the kids' interest to see their mom regularly. So if he schemes to keep them away from you, he is harming the kids. This may make the judge more sympathetic to you than to him, and it may result in you getting more time and $.
> 
> ...


Recordings without consent are not admissable in Michigan. My attorney told me that he cannot claim I abandoned my kids if I immediately have her start legal action. She said only if there is a significant delay in action could it be viewed as abandonment.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

luxnoctis said:


> The michigan bar association has been repeatedly trying to influence congress to pass an automatic 50/50 custody but it has failed every time.
> 
> How do I do a 180? He still relies heavily on me for reassurances and emotional support. He asks my opinions and advice on so many things. It annoys me a lot when its something he should be figuring out on his own, but even more so knowing he doesn't want a life with me. In the past whatever I tried to not be the "friend" he asks for help never worked. What should I say when he tries to ask for support or reassurance that something will work out without causing a fight?


Until your name is on the lease on the new apartment, continue to go along with this. Only modify your behavior is a way that leads to no arguments and fights.

There is a link in my signature block below to the 180. Start doing as much of it as you can while still staying on his good side so that you get on that lease.

But over time you want to go to the 180 if either of you files for divorce.


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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Until your name is on the lease on the new apartment, continue to go along with this. Only modify your behavior is a way that leads to no arguments and fights.
> 
> There is a link in my signature block below to the 180. Start doing as much of it as you can while still staying on his good side so that you get on that lease.
> 
> But over time you want to go to the 180 if either of you files for divorce.


Thanks, I read that post. I can do all of that except how to respond to his requests for reassurances and wanting to me to listen to his fears and thought process. After the lease is signed, how to I withdraw that friendly support without seeming intentionally cold or causing tension. He relies on me too much and seems to think I will still be there to rely on after divorce. In his mind he will get the benefits of divorce while keeping his supportive friend around to lean on for almost everything. He relies on my support so much and yet also says his biggest complaint is lack of freedom to do what he whats. I told him he can do what he wants and he told me "just saying that doesn't mean I can" How do I show him what its like to not have me so involved in his life without seeming mean? If I act really independent and happy he starts joking with me more and becoming more flirty, so it ends up being this cycle. How do I express my happiness without letting him move on as if we are still partners and best friends? Is it even right to turn down friendship with him? Is being his friend different than being friendly?

I really want to stop this, acting as his support system just keeps tearing my heart because it doesn't feel like he wants to be without me, but he says he does.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

luxnoctis said:


> Thanks, I read that post. I can do all of that except how to respond to his requests for reassurances and wanting to me to listen to his fears and thought process. After the lease is signed, how to I withdraw that friendly support without seeming intentionally cold or causing tension. He relies on me too much and seems to think I will still be there to rely on after divorce. In his mind he will get the benefits of divorce while keeping his supportive friend around to lean on for almost everything. He relies on my support so much and yet also says his biggest complaint is lack of freedom to do what he whats. I told him he can do what he wants and he told me "just saying that doesn't mean I can" How do I show him what its like to not have me so involved in his life without seeming mean? If I act really independent and happy he starts joking with me more and becoming more flirty, so it ends up being this cycle. How do I express my happiness without letting him move on as if we are still partners and best friends? Is it even right to turn down friendship with him? Is being his friend different than being friendly?
> 
> I really want to stop this, acting as his support system just keeps tearing my heart because it doesn't feel like he wants to be without me, but he says he does.


Why has he said that he is going to let you be on the lease with him if he plans on filing for divorce? Has he told you?

So, when you get your name on the lease, I assume that you will be moving into the apartment/house with him and your children, right? So there will be some time period when you will need to be dealing with him.

Is he saying that he wants to work on your marriage? Is that why he is allowing you be on the lease?

Right now, until you are on the lease and moved into the new place, just continue as you are. I think if you keep posting here, we can work out the point in time when you start the 180. For example, you would definitely start it once he or you file for divorce.

Once he has filed for divorce, yes it’s right to turn down friendship with him. If he divorces you, he is not your friend.


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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Why has he said that he is going to let you be on the lease with him if he plans on filing for divorce? Has he told you?
> 
> So, when you get your name on the lease, I assume that you will be moving into the apartment/house with him and your children, right? So there will be some time period when you will need to be dealing with him.
> 
> ...


He said I can be on the lease because he realized it was too early to separate and it is financially wiser if we share an apartment while I spend this year finishing school and finding a job. Yes we will all be living there. 

No, he never says he wants to work on our marriage. He said yesterday that I made him believe that all girls are not good and all relationships are bad. He wanted to separate sooner because its emotionally difficult for him. He does still like me and we do get along as friends and have fun with our kids together. But he is thinking about future events that haven't come true and thinking about how hard it will be for him to separate later, emotionally. He also is afraid of divorcing when he is 40 instead of just doing it now. He is basicallly very fearful and has zero confidence in our relationship working out. I talked to him again about going to therapy and he started showing me youtube videos of what they do in couples therapy and that he doesn't like it. 

His main reason for letting me be on the lease is because he realized it saves money and helps me get out later in a better financial position. He does care about me not being severely affected by the divorce, but he talks and acts on his emotions, which are not stable. He swings from confident and optimistic to pessimistic every few days. He is plagued with negative thoughts about everything all the time.

On a different thread, a user posted a link to a book Connect through Yes! and I started reading it. Those techniques worked just as the book said. It made my husband feel emotionally closer to me and more confident about our relationship. But after that happened I didn't keep at it, its surprisingly hard for me to do. That book made me realize just how little we work together as a team. I'm going to keep working on putting that book into practice, because things were much more pleasant around here when I did. I actually saw him happy for a longer period of time. 

That book actually more accurately describes why our connection to each other has fallen apart and why he is behaving the way he does. It fits better to me than saying he intentionally manipulates and hurts me to the degree it might appear to some people.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

As long as he has not filed for divorce, I think that you doing what that books says makes sense.

You might also want to get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them and do what they say. He says that he does not want to do counseling. Maybe you could get him to read the books and do the work they say to do. But I think it's important that you read the books first as they will teach you a lot and will help you get the right words to talk to him.

Sadly it sounds like the two of you have issues that just feed off each other. You are probably going to have to be the strong one here at this time.

Then, after you are on the lease and in the new place, you can re-access the situation in regard to things like the 180, divorce, etc.

Doing everything you can to become strong emotionally, finishing your education, etc are paramount at this point.


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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> As long as he has not filed for divorce, I think that you doing what that books says makes sense.
> 
> You might also want to get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them and do what they say. He says that he does not want to do counseling. Maybe you could get him to read the books and do the work they say to do. But I think it's important that you read the books first as they will teach you a lot and will help you get the right words to talk to him.
> 
> ...


I've read those books. It's not very helpful to my relationship, probably because he really doesn't want it. It was good information to keep in mind for the future though. 

Is the point of the 180 to try to make you look more attractive to your leaving partner or to help you untangle your emotions from your partner and be better prepared to be single again?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

luxnoctis said:


> I've read those books. It's not very helpful to my relationship, probably because he really doesn't want it. It was good information to keep in mind for the future though.
> 
> Is the point of the 180 to try to make you look more attractive to your leaving partner or to help you untangle your emotions from your partner and be better prepared to be single again?


The purpose of the 180 that is linked to in my signature block below is to help a person whose spouse is actively in an affair and will not end the affair and agree to work on marital recovery. The idea is that the betrayed spouse (BS) pulls away emotionally until one of two things happen 

1) the WS (wayward spouse) ends the affair, goes no contact with the affair partner and agrees to marital recovery or;

2) the BS loses their love for the WS and is ready to end the marriage.​
This helps protect the BS emotionally, helps them separate from the WS. It's all about helping the BS. Of times a BS will be so emotionally distraught that they cry, beg and lose a LOT of weight, cannot sleep, becomes clinically depressed. So they need help to stop all this. The 180 is that help.

If you slightly modify the 180 that is linked to in my signature block, it can help in situations like yours when the divorce is filed. By doing your modified 180, you will be better able to handle the emotions related to the divorce. You will also not get call caught up in emotional discussions with your husband.

The idea of the 180 comes from a book, "Divorce Busting" by Michele Weiner-Davis. The idea is to behave in a manner completely differently than your spouse would expect. In other work by Michele Weiner-Davis, she has taken the idea of the 180 (acting completely different from the way you naturally behave) as a tool to help people in crisis (such as infidelity) to handle the crisis in a more emotionally intelligent manner.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Are there other issues as well? I'm just curious because fear of the future, which you are describing, is a sign of some mental instability. Does he have an anxiety disorder? Nope, I am not a doctor or trying to diagnose the guy over the internet. It's just your description is very cut and dry. It is almost too analytical and emotionless. He likes you as a friend, enjoys time with his family, wants to let you finish school, but is scared how attached he will become and is worried about being 40 if the marriage fails.


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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Are there other issues as well? I'm just curious because fear of the future, which you are describing, is a sign of some mental instability. Does he have an anxiety disorder? Nope, I am not a doctor or trying to diagnose the guy over the internet. It's just your description is very cut and dry. It is almost too analytical and emotionless. He likes you as a friend, enjoys time with his family, wants to let you finish school, but is scared how attached he will become and is worried about being 40 if the marriage fails.


It is analytical and emotionless. I speak like that when I'm analyzing an issue and want to try to minimize the bias of my feelings. Yes he does have mental instability of some type. Mental conditions run in his family and also mine. He won't go to therapy or tell a doctor, so I have no idea what is the cause of his mood instability and if it could be treated with just therapy or is severe enough to be medicated. Either way he won't go, although my conversations with him have made him aware of the fact that his mood shifts often from hopeful to hopeless. Whether or not we are together I hope he takes care of that.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

luxnoctis said:


> It is analytical and emotionless. I speak like that when I'm analyzing an issue and want to try to minimize the bias of my feelings. Yes he does have mental instability of some type. Mental conditions run in his family and also mine. He won't go to therapy or tell a doctor, so I have no idea what is the cause of his mood instability and if it could be treated with just therapy or is severe enough to be medicated. Either way he won't go, although my conversations with him have made him aware of the fact that his mood shifts often from hopeful to hopeless. Whether or not we are together I hope he takes care of that.


I was talking strictly about your husband and his decision making process not you at all.


> No, he never says he wants to work on our marriage. He said yesterday that I made him believe that all girls are not good and all relationships are bad. He wanted to separate sooner because its emotionally difficult for him. He does still like me and we do get along as friends and have fun with our kids together. But he is thinking about future events that haven't come true and thinking about how hard it will be for him to separate later, emotionally. He also is afraid of divorcing when he is 40 instead of just doing it now. He is basicallly very fearful and has zero confidence in our relationship working out. I talked to him again about going to therapy and he started showing me youtube videos of what they do in couples therapy and that he doesn't like it.


Everything you just described is a guy who sounds like he has a potential mental issue. He has mood swings and is worried about the far future failure of the marriage. Worrying about putting things away for a comfortable life is one thing. Worried your marriage is going to fail so, you want to end it now because it won't hurt as much is not normal thinking.


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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

So, here's an update. I was trying to wait to sign the new apartment lease with my husband before thinking about starting divorce/separation proceedings. However a few days ago he texted me that he wants me to return his bank debit card and bank credit card to his personal account. That was my only access to money to pay for things, so I told him that he can't deny me access to a money line. He said he can because it's his money and his bank account and as long as he pays for bills and food for me and the boys that he is not doing anything wrong. 

So, that day I went to an attorney and put him on retainer. He filed an ex parte motion to freeze both his and my asset's and a complaint for divorce. My attorney is going to let me know in a couple days if I should still sign the lease with my husband or not. Tomorrow I have to pick up copies and serve them to my husband.

I feel somewhat relieved but I also have a pit in my stomach. I hope my husband doesn't contest a lot of issues and it goes okay. My attorney said we can be divorced in 60 days if we agree and a waiver for the 6 month wait is granted.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I'm sorry you had to prematurely file to protect yourself and the kids. Denying access to the family funds is a **** move.

If it helps any, I've done my own divorce and helped a few friends do theirs. All those days sitting and watching proceedings, the only time I've seen a judge refuse to waive the wait period is when the assets hadn't been divided and were still contested. It took about 3 months from filing to decree when I did mine and helped others, but that was Wayne county.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

luxnoctis said:


> So, here's an update. I was trying to wait to sign the new apartment lease with my husband before thinking about starting divorce/separation proceedings. However a few days ago he texted me that he wants me to return his bank debit card and bank credit card to his personal account. That was my only access to money to pay for things, so I told him that he can't deny me access to a money line. He said he can because it's his money and his bank account and as long as he pays for bills and food for me and the boys that he is not doing anything wrong.
> 
> So, that day I went to an attorney and put him on retainer. He filed an ex parte motion to freeze both his and my asset's and a complaint for divorce. My attorney is going to let me know in a couple days if I should still sign the lease with my husband or not. Tomorrow I have to pick up copies and serve them to my husband.
> 
> I feel somewhat relieved but I also have a pit in my stomach. I hope my husband doesn't contest a lot of issues and it goes okay. My attorney said we can be divorced in 60 days if we agree and a waiver for the 6 month wait is granted.


I'm glad you acted quickly. Good for you and good luck tomorrow, this is going to be hard. But I don't see what else you could have done based on his actions.

Make sure that you keep those cards secured so he cannot get his hands on them.


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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

My attorney filed the paperwork and told me we will see the Friend of the Court in September and have the settlement conference in November. He said the 6 month waiting period can be waived and the divorce could be final shortly after the settlement conference if everything is agreed upon. 

Since I hired the attorney, after the initial reality setting in, my husband has been in a better mood. I can understand that part, but he also has been more affectionate with me than he has in months, even cuddling with me. I don't mind it honestly because its nice to have the comfort and pleasant interactions. I'm still looking forward to living separately. He agrees to a custody arrangement of alternating weekends and every wednesday (something suggested by my attorney) which I like. We are signing the lease for the new place, however, if the divorce could really be final by the end of this year, I don't know how child support and alimony is set up while we are still living together. Can the court make a delayed order where the support would begin when I or he move out?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Speak to your lawyer. I know people who weren't living together, support was ordered, and then they shared a residence for a time. During that time, support was suspended. I don't know how it's handled when you're starting from the same home.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

luxnoctis said:


> My attorney filed the paperwork and told me we will see the Friend of the Court in September and have the settlement conference in November. He said the 6 month waiting period can be waived and the divorce could be final shortly after the settlement conference if everything is agreed upon.
> 
> Since I hired the attorney, after the initial reality setting in, my husband has been in a better mood. I can understand that part, but he also has been more affectionate with me than he has in months, even cuddling with me. I don't mind it honestly because its nice to have the comfort and pleasant interactions. I'm still looking forward to living separately. He agrees to a custody arrangement of alternating weekends and every wednesday (something suggested by my attorney) which I like. We are signing the lease for the new place, however, if the divorce could really be final by the end of this year, I don't know how child support and alimony is set up while we are still living together. Can the court make a delayed order where the support would begin when I or he move out?


One of my sisters lived with her ex after their divorce. He still had to give her 50% of assets, alimony and child support. After all they were legally no longer married.

But do talk to your lawyer about this.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Just be wary of his "better" mood, as it's likely because he knows he has to be on his best behavior or risk having this process be more drawn-out and dramatic than either of you want.

Also be wary of your own health... accepting the affection from him now may feel like a relief, but it will make the process of detaching more difficult than it will already be.

Just suggesting some mindfulness here.... only you know what you want your end goals to be.


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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

Satya said:


> Just be wary of his "better" mood, as it's likely because he knows he has to be on his best behavior or risk having this process be more drawn-out and dramatic than either of you want.
> 
> Also be wary of your own health... accepting the affection from him now may feel like a relief, but it will make the process of detaching more difficult than it will already be.
> 
> Just suggesting some mindfulness here.... only you know what you want your end goals to be.


I'm already detached from him. I can cuddle and have sex without being hurt later. We are better off living separate and I look forward to it.


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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

Good news. My stbx signed acknowledgment of service and answered agreement with all parts of the complaint for divorce. He doesn't want to get an attorney and wants to use a marriage settlement agreement with me as the primary residence for the kids. :smile2:


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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

Okay some updates on my situation with my Stbx:

He put a lawyer on a retainer, a woman, not the one who told him to tie up his money. He still wants to do a marriage settlement agreement. My lawyers have not gotten back to me on when the meeting will be scheduled. 

My stbx seems to have found a way to turn the tables on me for getting my name on the new apartment lease. He is starting to focus too much on the money he will have to pay for child support and how that will affect his plan to save money. He told me his lawyer mentioned to him that they can do an imputation of income where they would calculate how much money I could earn right now based on my age, ability, and degree qualifications, in order to get rid of spousal support and possible reduce child support obligations. 

He also mentioned something upsetting to my mother when he was alone with her. They have a bond and he looks to her for advice like a second mother and often tells her things when he is emotional and wants support. Well he told her that he can always fail to pay the $1100 rent of this new apartment so it defaults and I would be forced to drop graduate study and work full-time instead. 

I'm pretty angry about that. I didn't choose this apartment; I don't care about living in this city, which is much more expensive than surrounding areas. He was really fixated on living here for the school district. I don't want to be stuck with this apartment, especially if his plan is to find a way to force me to quit school and work to afford it for the next year. 

I want to move in with my mom if I can even though I just unpacked here. I know my name will still be on the lease and he could still tank my credit score, but I just can't afford this place. I'm scared to mention to him that I think he should live in this apartment and that I want to move out. 

He has had much more rapid mood swings and has been going between depression and aggression towards me. He accuses me often of not watching our kids properly while he is at work. Recently there was a bad storm and our power went out on the night that I had a project due to be submitted online by the morning. It was an excel project and my laptop was completely dead at that point. I decided to go out to a city with power to charge my laptop and do my project there. 

At the same time my car was empty of gas, and the gas stations near our apartment were not able to process credit cards because of the power issue. He hasn't given me an atm card or cash, so I wasn't able to get gas nearby. I had to drive out farther until I found a working gas station. Then, he called to tell me the power is back on now and he wanted me to turn around and come back home to stay with the boys while he went out to a bar to try to find a girl. 

I didn't really take him seriously because he often changes his mind and decides not to go, or comes back within an hour because he got frustrated. I just wanted to stay out of the house and work on my project. Well he started accusing me of lying and called his bank to find out the exact time and place that I bought gas for my car and then called me to say I'm a liar and that I've always lied about everything in the marriage. That he always knew I was lying and pretended not to know. He said he doesn't have to pretend now because he is not married to me anymore and is not my husband. 

He was just acting crazy and saying crazy things. The next morning he tried to come to me for emotional support and said that night was the most depressed he had ever been in his life and he's sorry about it. I really didn't give a f*ck. I'm afraid that he may be spying on me in other ways. 

I don't think I can open a separate bank account or separate my phone plan from his due to the ex parte order ordering us to maintain the status quo and not move assets. I'm scared of his mood swings and I want to just move out with my kids and do an informal joint custody arrangement until its settled in the agreement. 

Any advice or insights would be soooo appreciated right now. 

I also want to mention that I have gone on a couple of dates, he has tried to date too, but he hasn't been successful.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Get out. Sorry, I'd never stay with someone this erratic. 

His erratic behavior could be hypocritical jealousy. You are supposed to sit around and pine for him, but he is allowed to date.

Unless your Lawyer says so, do not agree to imputed income. You have NO CLUE when you will be employed let alone how long it will take. Let the courts MAKE you do this action, do not agree to this at all. Stop dating. This guy will figure out how to use it to make things worse. For example, you agree to imputed income, they factor in your graduate studies, you agree and he defaults on his 1100 payment. You have to drop out, fight for more money which will be more expensive and harder because you signed the agreement. YOU need to quit worrying about him like he is your husband. You need to quit worrying about him like he's important to you. Yes, he is the father of your child, but he chose to put himself before you and the kid for his own happiness. Yes, it will be hard, but you need to think of him as an enemy. Look at what you just typed. Does any of that sound like a good father, looking out for his child, let alone a good husband or a good man? No. Look, people break up and divorce all of the time. It's their actions during the event which show you who they really are in life.


Before someone takes it wrong, imputing income is fine in certain situations. This guy is doing all types of things to benefit himself, while trying to date, while not helping his wife with the basics, getting her to possibly leave college and filed a motion so, she can't take money and leave. Under these circumstances I wouldn't sign ANYTHING which will benefit the other party. I means she can't separate finances and he won't give her gas money? 


Yes, it will hurt your credit, but it can be rebuilt. I did it. 

Peace of mind is worth more than a good credit score.


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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

Thank you. I am the one who filed the ex parte to maintain the status quo because he threatened to cut me off financially. He demaned his bank credit card back and wasn't saying he would give me a cash allowance either. My lawyer filed 2 ex parte orders based on what I told him my husband said about cutting me off. He has to maintain the status quo and then there is an order that neither of us can dissipate assets. 

I obviously need to talk to my lawyer about his recent behavior. Of course I don't want to agree to imputed income. But it sounded like something they could do by asking the Judge. 

I agree with you that he is not a good father or husband. He can play with the kids really well, but that's not all that being a father means. He often upsets my son, and my son (4 yrs old) consistently tells me daddy is mean to him and he doesnt want to go to daddy's house (meaning he wants to go stay at his grandma's house.) Of course, he is young and says that I'm mean too sometimes, but he says it more often and consistently about his dad. The other day my husband couldn't handle my son being upset that his dad was going out without him, so he lied and said he is coming back in a couple minutes to get our son. I found my son sitting in front of the door with his shoes on. He told me that daddy is coming to get him soon. But he wasn't going to come back for at least an hour or two. It broke my heart to see my son like that. 

I also agree with you that its hypocritical jealousy. That's a fitting term. It does seem that he wanted me to pine for him and he's become more moody since I've had success getting dates and he has had no success at all. The only reason I started dating was because he encouraged it and he wanted to date too. I really believed that he was fine with it. But his reaction tells me otherwise.


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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

Another update:

I talked to my dad and he offered to cosign a new apartment for me this week. I still have to talk to my lawyer about if I'm able to get a new apartment right now and sign my son up for GRSP in that school district. After september my mom will move in with me there and we will share the rent, partly with my excess student loan money and maybe with child support money. 

Before I talk to my lawyer on Monday, does anyone have experience with this issue? Will I be allowed to move to a nearby city considering the ex parte order of maintaining the status quo? I always really want to separate my phone plan from his and get my own bank account so he can't spy on me.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

luxnoctis said:


> We've been married for 5 years, kids are 4 and 1 years old.
> 
> I'm glad I don't live in Australia, sounds like a one-sided system.


glad I live in Australia, and do not have to pay alimony on top of child support !


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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

Crankshaw said:


> glad I live in Australia, and do not have to pay alimony on top of child support !


Yea...."it's my money, not yours!!" that's you isn't it?


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