# Oral sex (Lack of)



## ladyj1204 (Feb 10, 2016)

My husband used to love to perform oral sex on me but now I never get it. I have to ask for it and when it does happen his heart just isn't into it. It takes the pleasure out of it for me to know that he really doesn't want to do it. I just don't know what to do! Ugh!

Sent from my 0PM92 using Tapatalk


----------



## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

I'd wait until a time when you're on neutral ground (i.e. not in the middle of sex or trying to initiate sex, for starters) and have a discussion about it. Ask if there's anything you could do to make it more pleasant for him since it's something you really enjoy. 

If you're genuinely trying to find out what problems might be happening for him, then you might hear something you don't want to hear, but at least it gives you the opportunity to do something about it if there's something you can do. For instance, if he prefers you freshly showered (or maybe even specifically _not_ freshly showered; you never know!), or if something has changed in your vaginal area (funny taste? diet matters!), or something along those lines. I'd be doing what I could to make it an enjoyable experience for my husband if it was important to me! 

If it turns out to be something you can't do anything about, or if your husband can't identify any particular reason he's been giving you less, then I think the best you can do is communicate how much you enjoy it and how he can make it pleasant for you. I hear that scheduling sex works well for couples who have trouble fitting enough sex in, and perhaps scheduling oral sex for you is something that would work in your relationship. You could suggest it in any case, and ask if that would work for your husband. And maybe there's something you can do for him, too. For instance, if he likes oral, too, then maybe you guys could try and out-do each other or something... like a competition.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*What is your family background like? Ages? Years together and married? Kids? Any other potential factors!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Faiora and Arbitrator gave you some good advice. Better than I can give you.

All I can give you is be prepared for what many Women and Men in this situation recieve. "Its gross/disgusting/degrading/not into it." And they dont know why and likely wont self examine to think why it is that way.


----------



## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

I love to "go down town"and I would love it if my w would give me pointers,however she is recovering from a car wreck,and we are trying to recover from an affair...hers. I'm suffering from a tropical disease from Hawaii known as lakkanookie,the prognosis is not good,it is not fatal.just frustrating. But you need to communicate about it.
She won't go down and I will,and there are all kind of reasons "why not"


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
was this a sudden or gradual change? Any other changes in your relationship or sex life?


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If he just doesn't want to, then he shouldn't feel bad not wanting to do something sexual. I don't like oral sex performed on me mainly because I've read that women have died from it.  As ridiculous as this sounds, and it is a small percentage, I think about that when my fiance has been performing oral on me, and I just can't relax, so it's not worth it. I just can't relax my mind. He on the other hand, really loves doing this for me, but he said that if it's something I'm not into right now, then he doesn't want to force the issue. If nothing has changed in your relationship, and he just is suddenly not into it, maybe give it some time and eventually he will be into it. But, when it comes to certain sexual 'acts,' even if you're married, doesn't mean you have to comply with every act your spouse wants. 

But, I can see where if he liked it at one time, and now he doesn't...maybe you feel rejected in some way? 

I'm of no help...


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Now I'm curious. ....how have women died from oral sex?

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
never heard of this. how???


I agree that no one should feel they need to satisfy every sexual desire of their partners, but I also think that in a happy relationship, each should be willing to try to do what they can to please their partners.



*Deidre* said:


> snip
> . I don't like oral sex performed on me mainly because I've read that women have died from it.  As ridiculous as this sounds, and it is a small percentage
> snip


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> never heard of this. how???


 You should google it.  It is uncommon, BUT...there have been women who have died from oral sex, and the reason is...air is blown into the vagina, and it creates an embolism? But, it's very rare, but still...I read this and now, I can't relax. I can't believe I'm telling you all this. 




> I agree that no one should feel they need to satisfy every sexual desire of their partners, but I also think that in a happy relationship, each should be willing to try to do what they can to please their partners.


I agree, but if her husband is truly struggling with performing oral sex, then he shouldn't feel forced to. Thing is, if you don't want to do something sexual in a genuine way, your partner will pick up on it. As the OP has stated with her husband, and in turn, she can't get into it, so the experience is just meh.


----------



## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> was this a sudden or gradual change? Any other changes in your relationship or sex life?


It took years to convince her,she said she enjoyed it,then she did'nt,said it was my thing,in 2010 our sex life went from 1x a week to 1x a month.
I Was dealing with a porn issue and depression,she reconnected with a female.classmate from GS HS days,sex life really tanked.


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

A good number of women have told me that their husbands never perform oral on them any more. I always found that strange because I love it. It is my favorite sex act. Before I married I was with a few women who told me that I was the first person to do that to them and they always wanted more. I know that back in the 50's many men considered it gay to perform oral on a woman.

I do know what you mean when you say that you cannot enjoy it if your spouse does it but is not enjoying it. When we hit our 60's I told my wife that she is now in charge of our sex life. It took almost a year to get her to stop measuring her sexiness by my orgasms. I do the same so it works out for us. For the first time in her life, my wife can have sex and enjoy it without worrying about my orgasm. Perhaps you can talk to hubby and compromise. There is no reason for you not to enjoy a sex act if your husband is willing to do it for you even if he is not into it. Perhaps there is another reason. My wife finally told me why she did not like to perform oral on me. Although I shower daily, sometimes twice a day in this tropical and humid place I life, but by the time we had sex, my genital region smelled. So now I shower right before sex and go straight into bed. Although she does not get sexual pleasure when she performs oral on me, she gets pleasure in giving me pleasure. 

Find out specifically why he does not like to perform oral on you. There has to be a reason other than he does not like it. Taste? Smell? Thinking it is icky? I think a lot of spouses do not know too much about the other's genitals. Maybe a guide tour is in order. I cannot tell you how little some men and women know about each others genitals other than the obvious. You may want to start him off with just kissing the outside of your vagina and hope that he gradually gets used to that and wants to explore more. However, he may never like to do it but as long as he is willing to do it because he loves you, learn to enjoy it anyway. Unless you are recently married, you know that many times we do things that the other does not like so this is just another one of those things.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Guy here.....From my own experience when my wife (ex) hit her early forties her scent changed, and her vaginal smell became pungent and very unappealing to me. Even fresh out of the shower her vaginal smell was still strong, we started using lotions and that helped some but honestly the underlining smell was still there and I simply didn't enjoy giving her oral any longer. 

There can be many reasons our sexual appetites(pun) change, communication with your spouse is important to keep intimacy alive and well instead of letting it becoming a battle ground.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I can't find anything credible on it. Not wanting to be indelicate, but some sexual positions can also pump air into the vagina, but its harmless.

Maybe if someone intentionally blew into the vagina it could cause injury? Also there are lots of very rare ways people occasionally get injured - but they are too rare to worry about.

Seriously though, I think you don't need to worry about injury and could feel free to relax and enjoy if you wish. 



There is a fuzzy line between not particularly enjoying and strongly disliking. I am happy to do lots of things for my wife that I don't particularly enjoy physically because I enjoy her enjoyment of them





*Deidre* said:


> You should google it.  It is uncommon, BUT...there have been women who have died from oral sex, and the reason is...air is blown into the vagina, and it creates an embolism? But, it's very rare, but still...I read this and now, I can't relax. I can't believe I'm telling you all this.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

About the death from oral, 

It is also real in that if say your H has oral with you, but had sex the same day with his OW who caught HPV from her H, then HPV is transmitted to you. Since HPV can cause various cancers it is a sleeper way that oral can be fatal.

Tamat


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> You should google it.  It is uncommon, BUT...there have been women who have died from oral sex, and the reason is...air is blown into the vagina, and it creates an embolism? But, it's very rare, but still...I read this and now, I can't relax. I can't believe I'm telling you all this.


This was actually one of the disclaimers in the book "She Comes First". Do not blow air into the vagina as that is dangerous.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Vinnydee said:


> A good number of women have told me that their husbands never perform oral on them any more. I always found that strange because I love it. It is my favorite sex act. Before I married I was with a few women who told me that I was the first person to do that to them and they always wanted more. *I know that back in the 50's many men considered it gay to perform oral on a woman.*
> 
> 
> 
> definitely one of the strangest things i've heard. wonder why.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Ladyj,

Do you suspect that your H is cheating?

I ask because one of the only things I could think of which would make me stop wanting to perform oral on my W, would be that I had gotten sex from another woman. I never did but if I strayed with a prostitute or something of that nature, I would be unwilling to expose my W to the health risks until I disclosed what I did.

Tamat


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I can't find anything credible on it. Not wanting to be indelicate, but some sexual positions can also pump air into the vagina, but its harmless.
> 
> Maybe if someone intentionally blew into the vagina it could cause injury? Also there are lots of very rare ways people occasionally get injured - but they are too rare to worry about.
> ...


I like your thoughts to this 
I may just have to calm down about it, and rethink things. (thank you for your thoughtful response)


----------



## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

ladyj1204 said:


> My husband used to love to perform oral sex on me but now I never get it. I have to ask for it and when it does happen his heart just isn't into it. It takes the pleasure out of it for me to know that he really doesn't want to do it. I just don't know what to do! Ugh!
> 
> Sent from my 0PM92 using Tapatalk


I'm not sure what's going on here.

If this was a post about a man whose wife had stopped giving him oral, there's be 100 posts in a day telling him that his wife did the "bait and switch" on him and telling him he shouldn't put up with it.

Same here. If he used to do it and now doesn't (and you'd like him to) then he should now or he should have a damn good explanation as to why. Has making you happy somehow become less important to him? If so, why?

Have you asked him why? If not, explain that it's important to you and ask him if there is a reason he stopped.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Buddy400 said:


> Have you asked him why? If not, explain that it's important to you and ask him if there is a reason he stopped.


I think this is huge, all we can do here is stab in the dark about what the potential issue could be, but without speaking to her H she will never get to the root cause of the issue.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> I like your thoughts to this
> I may just have to calm down about it, and rethink things. (thank you for your thoughtful response)


Yes! Air blown directly into the vagina can, in rare cases, penetrate the tissue and cause embolism. However, the air has to be blown fairly hard and the tissue spongier than usual, such as after childbirth before the healing is complete.

Really, relax.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Buddy400 said:


> I'm not sure what's going on here.
> 
> If this was a post about a man whose wife had stopped giving him oral, there's be 100 posts in a day telling him that his wife did the "bait and switch" on him and telling him he shouldn't put up with it.
> 
> ...


Is not getting oral sex from your partner ...argument worthy? Idk. If the person withdraws from all sexual activity, I could see it...but, if this is one area he just has lost interest in, or doesn't want to...if the marriage hinges on him doing so, then there's more problems in the works than this.  Pick your battles wisely, IOW.


----------



## NorCalMan (Dec 14, 2011)

I can very much relate to the .... "bait and switch". Oh well ....


----------



## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> Is not getting oral sex from your partner ...argument worthy? Idk. If the person withdraws from all sexual activity, I could see it...but, if this is one area he just has lost interest in, or doesn't want to...if the marriage hinges on him doing so, then there's more problems in the works than this.  Pick your battles wisely, IOW.


You're new here! :smile2:

Start looking at the 100+ threads on TAM about men (and some women) whose spouse has stopped giving oral sex. It seems to be *almost always* argument worthy!

It would be a major issue for me. Primarily because it would cause me to wonder why making me happy was no longer a priority for her.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Buddy400 said:


> You're new here! :smile2:
> 
> Start looking at the 100+ threads on TAM about men (and some women) whose spouse has stopped giving oral sex. It seems to be *almost always* argument worthy!
> 
> It would be a major issue for me. Primarily because it would cause me to wonder why making me happy was no longer a priority for her.


Understand, but suppose this is the only thing she wishes to no longer do? And makes you happy in other ways? I'm just asking the question. I think sex is very important in a relationship, but if someone doesn't enjoy a certain 'act' anymore, to allow it to upset your entire relationship shows that maybe the relationship isn't all that healthy to begin with.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> Understand, but suppose this is the only thing she wishes to no longer do? And makes you happy in other ways? I'm just asking the question. I think sex is very important in a relationship, but if someone doesn't enjoy a certain 'act' anymore, to allow it to upset your entire relationship shows that maybe the relationship isn't all that healthy to begin with.


I think the importance lies in why the person no longer enjoys the act.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


> I think the importance lies in why the person no longer enjoys the act.


Agree, it is odd, and seems strange if the person all along in the relationship, liked doing it. So, yea. :frown2:


----------



## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> Understand, but suppose this is the only thing she wishes to no longer do? And makes you happy in other ways? I'm just asking the question. I think sex is very important in a relationship, but if someone doesn't enjoy a certain 'act' anymore, to allow it to upset your entire relationship shows that maybe the relationship isn't all that healthy to begin with.


There are two ways of thinking about this:

1) People should only do things they want to do. They should not do things they don't want to do just because it makes their spouse happy.

In this case, he used to like giving oral; now he doesn't. Therefore, he shouldn't do it and she shouldn't ask him for it.

So, if he used to like spending quality time with her but now he'd prefer to just drink beer while watching sports; that's cool; nothing to complain about; he shouldn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do.

2) People should occasionally do things that they'd rather not because it makes their spouse happy. The exception would be things that their partner never did when they met.

In this case, maybe he was never that fond of giving oral but did it because he felt more motivated to make her happy when the relationship was new. Now that they've been together a while, he no longer feels the same need to please her. 

Why is her happiness no longer as important to him?


----------



## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

69? And that way you're both getting something you enjoy without overthinking the whole thing. 

Of course, I'd like to know why he says he's not enjoying it anymore. ....?


----------

