# Infuriating!



## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

Well, it has been almost 5 months since my husband asked for the divorce and we are 18 days away from selling the house. He still puts me through the roller coaster of hating me one day and not speaking to me - to wanting to sit on the couch, watch TV together, hold hands and trying to initiate relations, which I always decline. You want a divorce? You do not get to have sex with me! Moron.

Anyway, my fury comes from the fact that he has been walking around the house, acting like he is so sad and somber and the whole thing is destroying him. He says he still loves me very much - that he is barely functioning - doesn't care about his work or anything for that matter. He says that I have no idea how much he is hurting and he feels sick all the time.

Frankly, it really irks me that HE wanted all this. Divorce - selling our house - moving on with his life because he was so unhappy in our marriage. So why does he get to walk around crying the blues, like this whole thing was done to him? I am the victim here - not you!

Has anyone else on this board gone through this? :scratchhead:


----------



## TheSearchForTruth (Sep 27, 2013)

Cold feet? He's afraid the grass might not really be greener on the other side.

Better to rip the band aid off. He doesn't enjoy the slow waiting process. Sounds like he's already made decisions he would be well served to look for the positive in them. Not sure if you can direct him at all there... or that might end up counter productive (he'll feel even more guilty about the decision to leave seeing you offering to help him move on).

Tough spot.


----------



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sounds to me like you should be thinking, I am a good sppouse and this POS is just figuring that out.

Focus on yourself. You are the only thing that matters besides your kids.

At some point in the future if he wants to come back you will be in the driver's seat deciding if you even want to deal with the bi-polar jerk.

Be strong,
Stretch


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I have been in your boat for YEARS !!!!

I can save you SOME of the pain and heartache that I endured.

You cannot understand why another person does or says ANYTHING !!!

I am STILL trying to figure out stuff.

Let him go, leave him alone and maybe he will come to his senses. 

Don't ask him questions because he does NOT have the answers.

Don't beg.

I hope I helped a little.

Very Hurt


----------



## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

Just when I thought I couldn't feel more low. This weekend was utter hell for me. So my husband and I sit down on Saturday, to discuss who is getting what as far as furniture, dishes, items in the house. After a long talk and some shed tears, he asks, in a perfect world, if I could stop this whole thing right now, would I do it? Of course I say "Yes" in a perfect world - I would. However, we are too far gone now. We close on our home on October 15th and not only would we get sued by the Buyer for breach of contract, damages, etc. BUT we could get sued by the realtor too for their commission. There is just no going back on the house sale and frankly, I cannot just forgive him for almost 5 months of hell without REAL work being done on his part. Does he truly expect me, at this late in the game, to say "Ok - I forgive you" because he is starting to get cold feet now? 

This was our marriage that he threw away with a wave of his hand. He refused to go to marriage counseling. He refused to even discuss reconciling when I mentioned it. He did nothing but sit in our basement, smoking weed and ignoring me. So I should trust him that his intentions are truthful and honest NOW? 

I do not know if he is playing a game with me or what. Perhaps trying to see if he still has control over me? I just do not know...


----------



## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Be strong. Him wanting to have sex with you is nothing more than he is horny. It will only make things worse...trust me. Been there, done that!


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MSC71 said:


> Be strong. Him wanting to have sex with you is nothing more than he is horny. It will only make things worse...trust me. Been there, done that!


And the other stuff is him freaking out because he's finally realized that this is real, and that there are real consequences to his actions. He's probably scared of being alone, and that all of this was a ruse to get his attention, and he thought he was calling your bluff by going along with it. And now realizes what an idiot he was.


----------



## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

I do tend to wonder how serious he truly was about the divorce threat. I think a part of him did this all, just to get me to back down and stop sticking up myself. In 3 years of marriage, it took me 2 years and 3 months to FINALLY speak my mind and not allow him to control everything in our marriage. Less than one month away from our 3 year anniversary, I got the "I want a divorce" speech which I am still completely blindsided by. 

To this very minute, I have absolutely no idea what caused him to make such a strong, final decision, without even discussing it with me. While he could have been planning this for months before telling me he wanted a divorce, the fact that last weekend he asked if I would call the whole thing off, makes me wonder if deep down, this whole thing was just a game to him. 

It is too late now. House sells in 11 days. I am moving in with my father until I emotionally get back on my feet and my husband is moving into his own apartment. Part of me does hope that the time away from me, will shock his system and he will realize the err of his ways. However, I think the narcissist and stubbornness inside him, will never allow him to reach out to me and ask for marriage counseling or reconciling. 

I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. Part of me thinks that I am more sad about leaving our home verses losing my husband. Hmm?


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

slb121 said:


> I do tend to wonder how serious he truly was about the divorce threat. I think a part of him did this all, just to get me to back down and stop sticking up myself. In 3 years of marriage, it took me 2 years and 3 months to FINALLY speak my mind and not allow him to control everything in our marriage. Less than one month away from our 3 year anniversary, I got the "I want a divorce" speech which I am still completely blindsided by.
> 
> To this very minute, I have absolutely no idea what caused him to make such a strong, final decision, without even discussing it with me. While he could have been planning this for months before telling me he wanted a divorce, *the fact that last weekend he asked if I would call the whole thing off, makes me wonder if deep down, this whole thing was just a game to him. *
> 
> ...


Is that the kind of man you really want to be with? I didn't think so.

I know that all of this is crazy for you right now - your emotions are all over the place, and you might feel like you're losing your mind. Don't worry, it's just part of the recovery process. Once you're away from him and not having to interact on a daily basis, things will start to get better. You'll be able to focus on yourself, instead of focusing your energy on fending him off. Simply going "no contact" will do wonders for you.


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

SLB ~

I feel your pain. I wish you the very best.

VH


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/3936722-post22.html


----------



## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

How does one achieve a successful "no contact"? I am afraid I won't be strong enough for it


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

slb121 said:


> How does one achieve a successful "no contact"? I am afraid I won't be strong enough for it


You can, and you will be. It's not the easiest thing in the world by any means - ask anyone on TAM, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes.

- If he calls, don't pick up. Let him leave a message. Unless it's urgent or uber-important, do not respond/call back.

- The same goes for emails and text messages.

- If you DO have to respond, wait. Give yourself a minimum wait time of 24 hours. This will allow you some breathing room and the time you need to formulate an appropriate response. When you do respond, limit conversation to the topic at hand; your STBXH will try to take the convo in a tangential direction. Be prepared for that, and steer it back to the matter at hand, and end the convo as soon as the matter at hand is resolved/handled.

- DO NOT call, email, text or otherwise contact him AT ALL.

- When you are in contact with your STBXH, stay logical - do not let your emotions get the better of you (save it for after the call, etc. - just don't let him see it).​
You'll do your best, and you'll have slip-ups. We all have. When that happens, strengthen your resolve and get back on the no-contact wagon.

Does anyone else have any helpful no-contact advice?


----------



## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

Thank you for your advice, FIP! I think the biggest feat for me will be not allowing my emotions to take over. I have so much sadness, as well as anger inside me. I am trying desperately to just let it all go and start my life over again. He doesn't deserve my tears and the best revenge is to move on with my life and be HAPPY. 

I tend to think that he will try to continue to bait me. When he sees I am strong and doing things for myself, that is when he will do anything to stir up some kind of reaction from me. Does not matter if it is negative or positive. 

I guess once we are living apart, I can really start the healing process. It is really difficult to do when we are still living together. It just makes the sadness and anger creep up all over me.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

slb121 said:


> Thank you for your advice, FIP! I think the biggest feat for me will be not allowing my emotions to take over. I have so much sadness, as well as anger inside me. I am trying desperately to just let it all go and start my life over again. He doesn't deserve my tears and the best revenge is to move on with my life and be HAPPY.
> 
> *I tend to think that he will try to continue to bait me. When he sees I am strong and doing things for myself, that is when he will do anything to stir up some kind of reaction from me. Does not matter if it is negative or positive. *
> 
> I guess once we are living apart, I can really start the healing process. It is really difficult to do when we are still living together. It just makes the sadness and anger creep up all over me.


When you feel your emotions attempting to take over, remember this. If you need to, come up with a mantra for yourself that you can repeat - either aloud or silently - whenever you think your emotions are going to take over.

Remember: emotions are fleeting; logic is forever.


----------

