# 4 months out...



## jotabravo (Oct 20, 2009)

My wife messed around on me last October. She was unsure what she wanted for a period. I pursued our marriage and family (we have 4 children together). We have been married almost 12 years now. 

I feel that we have done a great job thus far. 

My question to others is this. How long does this truely take to get over? I find occasionally go through phases where I am very insecure with everything. I have forgiven her, I have moved on, but there are subtle things, things I dont even recognize that will take me back.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

I think it's different for everyone. Some shorter and some longer. I too am 4 months out. (found out in October of my H's A) I, too, can say that I think we've done a a good job. We are doing very well and our marriage is actually better than it's been for a long time.

I go through phases too where I am very insecure. Just had a phase this week. We have very few arguments now and just had one a couple nights ago - it actually stemmed from my insecurites, etc. (it's all fine)

Same here - I have forgiven him and moved on. Just some things, days - it's hard not to go back for me. I think that just comes with the territory. I either cave and let it consume me or bare down and plow through it. 

SO, I guess I really can't answer how long. For me, I would say for the most part I am over it. But then again, I don't know that anyone truly gets _over_ it. I think we just get _passed_ it and move on. As I've said, it will always be there, I just choose to keep in locked away, and someday I'll even throw away the key! 

Good Luck to you!


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

At 6 months out, I feel that life is pretty normal again. I noticed a change in my own attitude in the last month.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Like a severe burn, the pain will stop. But the scar will always remind you of the pain.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

I found out 3 months ago. I decided right away that I wanted things to be as normal as possible and took my shock as an indication of coping well. I didn't cry, but knew I would eventually, since when my mom died, I was in suspended animation for about 8 months before I had a gut-wrenching cry.

Valentine's Day weekend, I started to come apart after all those weeks of being stoic. I actually cried a very little and have been crying more, still not very much. 

In short, I haven't felt this much pain since my mother's death, 21 years ago. At that time, I learned that you don't really "get over" the trauma, but you learn to live with it because that is the only option. Eventually, it should have less power over us and if our marriages recover, ideally, I hear such marriages get stronger.

Already, there is a shift in how we communicate. My husband is more open with me. I'm still angry, or, finally angry, as the case may be. I look forward to things getting better.

Lyn


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