# found another one



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

my story is on here somewhere, but I found some texts on husbands phone, an ea with a former girlfriend. Tossed the phone to him and said your girlfriend texted you. He has been home now for right around a couple of months now, I was under the assumption that he was in some way shape or form ready to work on rebuilding. We have had our good days, and bad, which is to be expected. The last week or two have been great, I thought we were getting somewhere, and BOOM, I found this. I dont know what the hell to do now. My head is so effin messed up, and I am back to square one. I handled it calmly didnt yell or scream. I am still focused on making myself a better person and wife, I am NOT going to give up on that, I just dont know how to deal with this now. I phoned her and politely asked her to stay away from husband and family, and sent her a fb message politely stating the same thing. Had husband unfriend her about a half hour after I found out, and deleted the phone number. My God where do i go from here.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

and i am back and forth on if I should tell her s/o, I have no way of contacting him, all I have is a name, and I can't seem to find a phone number. They just had a baby together, and I dont wanna tear the man away from his child.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Wow, that's a huge setback. I can't remember if you said if you guys tried counseling. There are serious underlying issues here that need to be dealt with if this is going to be salvageable. You can't be afraid of how the girl's SO and baby are going to be affected. The truth is always better in the long run. And you do know, that even though he deleted her and you deleted the phone number, that the addiction is still there and they will contact each other. I'm so sorry.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

paramore said:


> and i am back and forth on if I should tell her s/o, I have no way of contacting him, all I have is a name, and I can't seem to find a phone number. They just had a baby together, and I dont wanna tear the man away from his child.


Yes, it will keep her busy with her s/o, not to mention in a way teach her not to mess with you.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I want to do counseling, he is hesitant. We know all of the underlying issues as we have been discussing them all morning. I have contacted a couple and then cancelled appts because what's the point if we dont go. I know I we both need to go separately as well. I can't even leave the yard right now to go see anyone as we got a gigantic snowstorm lol. 

I just don't know if I ask him to leave, or what. Financially, he can't really go anywhere else, and we only have 1 working vehicle between us at the moment. I am still working on finding her guys number. I just don't know what else do do right now in this moment. I have cried and cried and cried, and he is taking a short nap as I woke him up quite early this morning with the phone. He is afraid that going full force back into rebuilding, that we will eventually fall back into the same patterns. 

I have personally made large strides as a person, and as a wife that he is afraid are temporary, because I want him back. I understand that stance, and lord knows I am afraid for that too. But I know I have it within myself to not allow it to happen, the things that have happened in our past are too psyche shattering to even consider going there again. I am trying to get him to understand that what's in the past is in the past, all you can do is learn and move forward, (with the exception of this new discovery) I am going to deal with this the best I know how.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

and dont worry Wayne, she isn't gonna mess with me, no one messes with me or mine lol.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

it's been so hard all day not to throw snide comments such as, so did you get HER a valentine too? Or say you have sex with me are you thinking about her? I was going to unfriend her on facebook, but she had the GALL to block me. I am so fighting the urge to ask him to log on in my presence and see if she made a new profile or not, because now when i look her up nothing shows. I said or did NOTHING threatening, and I have been trying to look for numbers for her guy all day, and found nothing. I am such a mess right now, I look over at him constantly today, and wonder how can he not even cry? He is just as stoic as ever. While I am fighting back tears constantly, do I keep just going as I have been going on or what? He says he has days where he really wants to try and days where he doesn't care, (that's what he told me today.) While up until now I was under the impression we were working forward and gonna try to make a go of it, I was giving him space and not pushing him too hard as he asked, wow I am such a fool.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Hi Paramore, I read about your story and I just finished reading your newest thread. I'm new to this site and found it very insightful in so many ways. But there was something about your thread that struck a nerve deep inside me because I was in a similar situation myself. A few years back. I'm happily married now but trust me I paid my dues I earned my stripes. 

Before I met my H, I was in a long term relationship for 7 years. We lived together for most of that time and I loved him, like really loved him lost my virginity the whole nine yards would have done anything for him. About 2 years in I started noticing small things he started doing, hanging out late to days at a time. Pulling teeth just to spend time with him and his obsession about his phone, he had a code put on it to unlock it even when he showered he took it with him.

Well one day or over the course of time got hold of that phone saw a bunch of texts that were in appropriate, looked on the computer and saw some emails, texts, whatever it was. Hotel receipts condoms, etc etc etc etc. A lot of times I wouldn’t say anything .I would just watch and observe. Even when he didn’t know that I knew where he was going that night. There was more than one woman sometimes a few at the same time. Confronted him a few times he would cool it then do it again, we would cool it then do it again. He would go after women that would buy him stuff take him out to eat and then he would say he was broke made me spend my money he made twice as much as I did. On top of a EA with his ex girlfriend she would send him dirty pics of herself. He had other EA affairs multiple relationships at once. I was devastated. 

There was something I kept feeling in the pit of my stomach that something still was not right. He left to go to school out of state to finish his degree we still maintained our relationship whatever you want to call it. Come to find out he was dating another woman 4 years. Along the other stuff I caught him doing. I had suspensions before but I couldn’t prove it. I got hold of her number she had no clue about me she was about to cry I could hear it in her voice she dumped him, I dumped him and everybody knew I mean everybody even his friends knew. Before I left him I became obsessed with finding anything I could build a case. But I didn’t have to do that I should have just left, but I was trying to make it work. Every time he would get a call or receive a text my stomach would drop. It as if any moment I felt that he was talking to a girl it felt that I would never get out of this, that this was the norm. But I knew I deserved better.

I left him, I left the SOB. I worked up the courage for myself, see the thing is he never thought I would leave he felt I wasn't serious or I had nowhere to go but I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Paramore when you mentioned that phone it brought me back to the numerous times I would confront him and he would blow up get mad at me sometimes he tried to kick me out the home and lock me out the computer. Like I was the wrong for what I did, he sorry that he got caught not sorry for what he did. 

We stayed at his mom’s house and we shared his room. But you brought me back to a place that made me sad feel sick, numb to my stomach and not sure if I could trust him. I came to the conclusion the numerous affairs that he had that he was never NEVER going to stop. It didn't how much I cried how much I stayed away. None of that. I did the revenge thing, the crying thing, the staying away, the working it out, the not so sure phase all of it to even thinking that maybe it's not so bad if he has another girl on the side as long as he comes home to me phase. 

Then I realized it wasn't about him anymore it was about me, I couldn't sit around and sit there waiting for him to change. He had to do that on his own without me. He blew up my phone, as he was packing for school and he knew I was finished he broke down and cried and cried for two days. But I was done I was done. I had to realize my own self worth even if he didn't I told him that if he didn't want to treat me right then someone out there will. You will wake up one, day and I will be gone and it would be too late because once I made up my mind it was done.

Paramore, I know what you are going through, we didn't have any kids together thank god. But one thing stands as tough as it is don't wait for him to change. You change for you even if that means you have to leave for a few days to clear your head.
Or go to a girlfriend’s house. Put your foot down and take back your right to be happy. I can’t speak on your situation, maybe he will change maybe he won’t but all you can control is you. Get your happy back. I’m Rooting for you.
-Kris
:smthumbup:


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

thank you so much, I have told him I am changing for the better forever, and I WILL NOT go back to my old ways, aka laying down and die, before our infidelities, there was nothing, I am confident of that. I told him I will keep on working on bettering myself. I spoke to the OW by request of her, and we had a heart to heart, she was in the dark too, (no excuse) but anyways, I told him I am going to better myself as a person and as a wife, and whatever happens happens. He admitted to me some of the reasons he came home, to get ourselves in a good place financially, for both of us, and to get me to where I could work from home and stay in our home, regardless of what happens,(this is very him, he means me and the kids) I am gonna keep on keeping on to prove that I am the better woman. any advice is welcomed. I won't ask him to leave cuz financially we can't take it, but I will still be loving, but slightly reserved, as me shutting down shows nothing about my person growth.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

finally my bullheaded and stubborn side is proving to be a positive lol


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

You know, paramore, I have to admit...I'm a feisty one. If it were me I think I'd look him right in the eye and say something like, "If you think I'm changing for you, you have another thing coming! I am a WONDERFUL woman who made some mistakes, and I'm fixing those mistakes so I can have a man who values me for the person I am. Some days I hope that's you" and then turn on my heel and flip my hair at him.  

Like I said...I'm feisty that way! 

One of the things that makes him unsure of the changes is because people--probably himself included--will make all kinds of promises to get what they want. "Oh sure baby--I'll respect you in the morning" is probably one that most guys would identify with! But in real life, they don't mean them at all--they're just a bunch of hot air, and the minute he agrees to come back, you'll stop doing what you need to do to keep him there. 

Thus, although my personal feisty way is ... well feisty... it's exactly what you want to get across to him. Namely, I'm not doing this for YOU buddy. I actually deserve better than you and I'm willing to give you a chance to catch up to me! LOL! If he had some reason to believe that you weren't being a doormat hoping to "re-snag" him but rather you were beginning to realize that you are a rare treasure and valuable--without him--why then all-of-a-sudden he'd probably get interested again because you'd be acting like you choose to be with him but don't NEED to be! 

Get it?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

thank you affaircare, that was just the pick me up I needed this morning. I too am quite the fiesty one, with a temper to boot lol, and that is one of my issues, I know. One of the issues he has with me is my getting frustrated and yelling, I am really working to curb it, the one thing I can't get him to understand is the things he does doesn't do is one of the reason I would get so frustrated, did I always handle it in the correct manner? Hell no, were there times I tried to talk to him first, yes, and I never would seem to get him to understand me. She sent us both a txt message, exactly the same saying goodnight, I hope you get a restful nights sleep. 

I did a bad and creeped his phone when he was sleeping and deleted his txt so he never even saw he got it. I know that was probably wrong, but even though maybe she meant it with the best of intentions, I asked NO CONTACT and she still sent a txt to the both of us. I told him I was scared to send him out the door to work this morning as I am scared she is gonna txt him and they are gonna be all i love u i love u i love u all day and he'll delete them. I said what are you gonna do if she txts you? He said be polite and answer back, but not get into that stuff. I looked at him calmly and said really? I didnt cry didnt yell, I said back well I was hoping you answer was gonna be txt her back saying can't talk or just simply delete it. 

I guess we will see what today brings. I DO know this, if I catch him doing this again with her or any other woman, I am done. We will put the house up for sale, pay off what we can and I will cut my losses. We both made horrid horrid mistakes, but I am not the one who started up with another woman while coming home to my family. I don't deserve that. This is his last chance, I am giving my all here, even though I question if I should, I am becoming a better person, if he does this again I am leaving him in the dust.


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