# My wife doesn't get it.....right?



## chrisgav (Apr 24, 2015)

I'm 39 years old and have been with my wife since we were both about 20. We dated for 12 years and have been married for the last 7+. Throughout we have had our share of issues, but we always managed to correct them and move along. In hindsight, maybe we should have realized that it wouldn't really get better and we could have cut our losses many years earlier. We have a 3 year old daughter who is totally awesome. My wife is great with her and loves her very much. It's me she seems to be able to take or leave. Unlike some more "traditional" relationships, I tend to be the shopper, cooker and cleaner around the house. It hasn't always been quite as bad as right now, but it seemed like the easiest way to stop having to hear about how much she hates doing all of that stuff. We both work full time jobs and during the day our daughter is in Montessori (glorified daycare - wife's idea). For the last 5 years, my wife has been a bellydancer and instructor. In fulfilling those commitments, she doesn't come home from work until after our daughter is in bed 2 nights a week. She is also gone for most of the day once each weekend. I also play baseball in a competitive league in our city. We play 24 games from late May until late August. Once our daughter was born, however, I stopped attending any of my teams' games that started before my daughter was in bed for the night. I felt that being home with her was more important, and I preferred it anyway. My wife on the other hand, seems to have increased her time away. She has actually told me that since I don't play any early games anymore, why do both of us need to be home? As though I stopped playing those games to free her up for more "her" time. She also frequently tells me of these "shows" she needs to attend that usually encompass entire weekends. Couple that with the fact that she travels with work about 3-5 overnights per month, and I spend a lot of time as a single parent. We also have a large dog that she hasn't taken for a walk in over 5 years. That means that 3 times a day, I have to bundle my daughter up and take the dog out on top of the rest. It's not like I can't handle all of this, because I can. It's rather easy and enjoyable. It's just that the time she does spend at home, she spends grumpy about all manner of tiny little concerns that nobody else on Earth would care about. Our sex life is non-existant, and she's messy and lazy at the same time. When I ask her to put something away, she acts as though I have standards that are unattainable. This morning, as I was walking out the door for work, she asked me to feed my daughter and take her to school because she had a meeting she needed to get to. She gave no advanced warning. I had to call my boss and explain I would be late, and she did it all in a rather angry yet expectant tone. Once a month I look at my wife and realize I love her very much. Sometimes I feel it may be due to the length of our history but I can't help it. I have no idea what to do next.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You sir, are a doormat. You are allowing her to walk all over you and take complete advantage of you. Also, you are the only one actually present in the relationship. When she pulled that last minute crap on you as you were walking out the door, you should have told her to deal with it. Why is it that what SHE had to do was more important than what YOU had to do? She could have done the same thing that you did. She sounds completely uninterested in being a mother to your daughter or a wife to you. As long as you allow this to go on, it will. 

A good place for you to start may be to read the book "No More Mr Nice Guy".


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Learn how to say the word "No". 

The more you reward the bad behavior, the more she will do it. 

You have a nonexistent sex life because that's how she wants it. You cook, shop, clean and you get no sex.

It happens to a lot of guys...good thing is you can change this. I know you dropped everything to be a good dad but at the expense of being someone your wife sees as a husband she wants to have sex with. 

I know this because I've been there. 

And if you are worried about pissing her off, don't be. She will be pissed because she has you trained, once you transform yourself into that guy you were before the kid she take notice. But it won't be easy. She actually does not want you to be a doormat, but her brain is telling her to keep you on a leash. Her sexy side wants you to tell her this is not how it's going to be. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

You need to sit your W down and advise her exactly what you have stated here. Being a room mate, cleaner(maid) and rug to wipe her feet on is not working. She is failing you AND her daughter. 

Your sex life is non-existent? She is completely not in need of any physical affection? You might want to take some time to see what her true activities she is scheduling these nights and weekends.

To answer your question, she gets it. The entire cake eating way of life is what she is getting. Time to remove the cake.


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## chrisgav (Apr 24, 2015)

This may be a selfish response, but I gotta tell ya, it feels good to have some people understanding my issues and being supportive. Almost like taking my side in a manner if speaking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Your wife is selfish. She isn't being a good wife or Mom. No sex and she often gone all weekend? Sounds a bit suspicious to me. Have you checked her paycheck? Is she working? She should have stayed single it doesn't sound like she wants to be a wife or a Mom. Start saying no to her. She doesn't respect you and that's one reason why there is no sex and she just does what she wants knowing you will be there.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Can I marry you?
LOL

Seriously your marriage is so unhealthy

Women have needs and for some reason your wife isn't involving you in meeting any of hers....or yours for that matter!

My advise to you is find a better women you can have a healthy relationship with and show your little girl what it means to be happy and step mother that has her priorities straight....cuz her real mom sucks!

I bet if you really looked into what your wife was up to you wouldn't be *considering* divorce you would *be* divorced!!!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

the guy said:


> I bet if you really looked into what your wife was up to you wouldn't be *considering* divorce you would *be* divorced!!!!


Yep, I agree. She has someone on the side. Almost guarantee it. If not I'll eat my shoe...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't think she's cheating; I think she's fed up with working AND raising a child and she expects you to pull 50% of the weight. You guys need more real communication.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

turnera said:


> I don't think she's cheating; I think she's fed up with working AND raising a child and she expects you to pull 50% of the weight. You guys need more real communication.


If she was fed up with working so much why did she take a second job being a bellydancer and instructor (if that is really what she is doing at night). She should be home more not only for her husband but for her child too.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

I can relate somewhat. In the past I have had a terrible time setting "minor" boundaries and always concentrating on the "big stuff" which was what I though was is important. So when your spouse it upset about this or that, and its not significant thing it seemed just easier and a sort of gift to her to take care of it for her. The problem is that it it is toxic without either of you realizing it.


It becomes a means to control.
The little micro sacrifices start to add up which is why you are feeling what you are feeling. 
Because you are being a doormat, it becomes impossible for your spouse to respect you as a man.
Totally throws water on any passion between you. 
To her subconscious you are a pushover and a poor choice as a mate because you do not demonstrate your drive and strength to her.

What is ironic is that many that suffer from this, myself included, are by no means meek or pushovers. We just have (had) a wrong idea of what it really means to "work" on a relationship. The work is still there but it is just different. I am competitive, have done full contact marshall arts most of my life, Always a leader in any social/career situation I am in, and I haven't taken crap from anyone since I took I a Jerk classmate down a few notches on the baseball diamond in 5th grade. I do not take sh*t from anyone but most of the effort I put into making wife happy was a waste for the both of us. There is/was a lot more going on in my marriage that is a problem, but I am separating out the part that seems relevant here.

*It is a paradox. You think you are doing a kindness to your wife but all you are doing is trading your life away one tiny piece at a time, all to make her disgusted with you.* Time to stop that or she will leave you, be in an affair soon if not already, or even worse, your marriage will just remain on life support forever and your life will just suck.

Also, Belly dancing is not a job, even teaching it, it is a hobby. One apparently she uses to control the house and get away from responsibility. It is a great hobby but family comes first, then hobbies.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

chrisgav said:


> This may be a selfish response, but I gotta tell ya, it feels good to have some people understanding my issues and being supportive. Almost like taking my side in a manner if speaking.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You should have your back? Steps back and just think about this for a minute. Read your story and pretend it's some guy and girl you don't know and you'll see something is messed up. Man you're letting fear drive you into being someone you will not be proud of.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

A belly dancer who doesn't like sex... hmm. I am trying to imagine for whom she dances.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Ok hold your horses - don't freak the guy out. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she is having an affair, HOWEVER, I do think it's necessary you look in to her activities and find out why she is spending so much time away from home and not meeting your intimate needs.

That's just the logical thing to do. Don't freak out, just investigate.

And yes, please stop being a doormat. A marriage is composed of two people, she needs to do her part.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> You should have your back? Steps back and just think about this for a minute. Read your story and pretend it's some guy and girl you don't know and you'll see something is messed up. Man you're letting fear drive you into being someone you will not be proud of.


I would caution you to go a bit slow. Do some snooping and see if there is more to this than it seems.

She could just be spoiled by your doormat ways...but it could be something else. If it is...you need to approach this from a collected and informed standpoint.
NOT with a bunch of internet strangers hunches.


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