# Are you ever judged by your spouse ?



## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

For your sexual desires or fantasys? Have you ever been thought of as a pervert because of your fantasies or desires you have shared with your spouse? 

If you were judged how did it make you feel?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

No. If we did not have kids around, we would be indulging all of my fantasies and desires, I am sure. (Lol, exciting just to think about! )

Are you feeling judged, Happy?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Happyquest said:


> For your sexual desires or fantasys? Have you ever been thought of as a pervert because of your fantasies or desires you have shared with your spouse?
> 
> If you were judged how did it make you feel?


My ex did. Of course, even wanting sex once a week made me a pervert in her eyes, so we didn't even get to other fantasies. It made me feel frustrated and eventually a little angry, and was one of the factors leading to our divorce.

This time, we can talk about anything, and most of our desires and fantasies match up very well. The few that don't match are just that - differences we respectfully acknowledge.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Nope I don't feel judged and I don't judge him.I almost would love it if he came out with some off the beaten path request or kink lol I'd be like Ah-HA!!There IS a deep dark side to you!!


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I feel judged sometimes.

He often makes comments about me being a sex crazed maniac, or being so horny I would sleep with anyone, etc. 

It does hurt my feelings.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

TheCuriousWife said:


> I feel judged sometimes.
> 
> He often makes comments about me being a sex crazed maniac, or being so horny I would sleep with anyone, etc.
> 
> It does hurt my feelings.



I am so sorry I know the pain. You want to be able to share those sexual desires it hurts to keep them buried deep. I know the feeling


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Happyquest said:


> I am so sorry I know the pain. You want to be able to share those sexual desires it hurts to keep them buried deep. I know the feeling


Yep.

He doesn't judge me on any specific actions or desires or anything like that. He just thinks I want and think about sex way too much.

I've gotten better about keeping my "perverted" thoughts and actions to myself though.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Yep.
> 
> He doesn't judge me on any specific actions or desires or anything like that. He just thinks I want and think about sex way too much.
> 
> I've gotten better about keeping my "perverted" thoughts and actions to myself though.


Do you realize how harmful that is? Think of it as a slow growing cancer on the relationship. If your husband doesn't pull his head out of his ass he will end up losing you. We can only clamp down on our true selves for so long before we explode or implode.


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## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

Yes, it is one of my issues with our marriage.

When I married the wife, I had little experience. She had already been married for 5 years so I assume she was way ahead of me there.

When you marry young with little experience it really sets you up for a big issue down the road. At 23 I had little knowledge about sex, my needs, wants, and fantasies. At 43 I am a totally different person, with different needs/wants/expectations.

I have told her about some of my thoughts/desires, but seeing how I was made to feel like a pervert or sex addict, I dropped it shortly after that. 

I have given up, just keep it to myself and remain frusterated. Simply easier than being made to feel like more a pervert than she already thinks I am.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Happyquest said:


> For your sexual desires or fantasys? Have you ever been thought of as a pervert because of your fantasies or desires you have shared with your spouse?
> 
> If you were judged how did it make you feel?


My husband has never made me feel judged. But I know he is ...perplexed...not sure about the right word, about some of my fantasies. I have expressed many to him and he has obliged me on occasion. Many of them don't require props of costumes and could be done of a regular night or afternoon. The fact that he rarely does them tells me he just doesn't have the same thoughts or desires, even though he says he finds them exciting.

So, not judged, just not on the same page most times.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Minncouple said:


> I have told her about some of my thoughts/desires, but seeing how I was made to feel like a pervert or sex addict, I dropped it shortly after that.
> 
> I have given up, just keep it to myself and remain frusterated. Simply easier than being made to feel like more a pervert than she already thinks I am.


I am sorry to hear this, Minn. It must feel awful to feel you cannot be completely transparent and accepted by your partner.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Nope I don't feel judged and I don't judge him.I almost would love it if he came out with some off the beaten path request or kink lol I'd be like Ah-HA!!There IS a deep dark side to you!!


QFT

Wish she understood how stressful it is to try and figure out what freaky things she enjoys that she either doesn't know she enjoys, or is unwilling to admit.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Minncouple said:


> Yes, it is one of my issues with our marriage.
> 
> When I married the wife, I had little experience. She had already been married for 5 years so I assume she was way ahead of me there.
> 
> ...


Take this and keep it with you at all times!

*You are not a pervert or sex addict. You are a healthy adult with a healthy sexuality who desires to express that sexuality with the woman he loves and married! *

The problem is not your pervertedness, but her repressed lack of sexuality.

Why do we feel such insecurity about our sexuality? If you loved rare beef (sorry JLD) and your spouse only liked well done, are either of your wrong, twisted or sick? You might tease each other about still hearing a MOOOOO or chewing on leather but you each know it's a simple matter of taste!

Stop allowing a repressed spouse repress you! Open your spouse up to enjoy the full range of sexual expression!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

TheCuriousWife said:


> I feel judged sometimes.
> 
> He often makes comments about me being a sex crazed maniac, or being so horny I would sleep with anyone, etc.
> 
> It does hurt my feelings.


I find this interesting because my wife used to and still does say very similar things. When we were not connecting well, I took it as a judgement. Now that we are, I see if as flirting and even a compliment.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

My wife made comments like this for quite a long time. It was NOT done in a flirting manner. She's gotten better about it after I stopped accepting the behavior, but I've never shaken the feeling that it's really how she feels, even if she's not saying it.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

She's like the Soviet judge, see below. 

No just kidding, judging isn't the right word. I worry about making her feel inadequate as she is. But she is willing to try basically anything once. That doesn't necessarily mean she'll be enthusiastically into it. 

If the word pervert is used it is meant as a compliment.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

CharlieParker said:


> She's like the Soviet judge, see below.
> 
> No just kidding, judging isn't the right word. I worry about making her feel inadequate as she is. But she is willing to try basically anything once. That doesn't necessarily mean she'll be enthusiastically into it.
> 
> If the word pervert is used it is meant as a compliment.


Hell I would laugh my ass of if she gave me a score card when we were finished. 

Then again, woman take note we would all try harder to get to a perfect 10. 

I cant stop laughing, that when done the act, she looks at me and says that was a solid 7.5 would you like to go for an 8.0?:rofl:


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

Happyquest said:


> For your sexual desires or fantasys? Have you ever been thought of as a pervert because of your fantasies or desires you have shared with your spouse?
> 
> If you were judged how did it make you feel?


YES! STBXW considered everything I wanted to do to be sick and perverted. What I wanted to do was tame:

-Watch her masturbate
-Use a small vibrator on her during foreplay
-Blindfold me
-Finish me off orally
-Allow me to cum on her stomach/breasts
-Anal play (not anal sex, but rubbing the area with my finger or her rubbing my anus with her finger)
-Light spanking

How did it make me feel? Well considering we had sex MAYBE 3 or 4 times a year it made me feel terrible.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Yes. 
Frequently throughout the relationship I have stayed quite "vanilla", due to judgment.
Being only the second girl he as ever been with, I am assuming my sexuality was judged because of it.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> My husband has never made me feel judged. But I know he is ...perplexed...not sure about the right word, about some of my fantasies. I have expressed many to him and he has obliged me on occasion. Many of them don't require props of costumes and could be done of a regular night or afternoon. The fact that he rarely does them tells me he just doesn't have the same thoughts or desires, even though he says he finds them exciting.
> 
> So, not judged, just not on the same page most times.


You H is a lucky guy, and doesn't even realize it, having a beautiful wife who is comfortable enough to want to share and indulge in her fantasies. Jealous, I am.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

bkaydezz said:


> Yes.
> Frequently throughout the relationship I have stayed quite "vanilla", due to judgment.
> Being only the second girl he as ever been with, I am assuming my sexuality was judged because of it.


Just curious, was there a great disparity in sexual experience between the two of you and is that what led to his judgement?


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

My H told me once that he didn't think I was going to be happy until he bent me over the kitchen table... I said ok!


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Thunder7 said:


> Just curious, was there a great disparity in sexual experience between the two of you and is that what led to his judgement?


Well, I have had several partners before I was ever with him.

He always said that he was scared I would cheat on him because I loved to have sex. lol

Things that I brought up about doing he wasn't really game for it.
Also, he is just a jealous individual.
He has gotten much better.

Actually, last night he had mentioned that he wanted to use toys on me. 
Sometime last year he mentioned a fantasy with toys and lingerie. 
I was embarrassed and aggravated with it. I didn't even go for it like I was going to just to give in.
I know that the girl he dated before me he was with around 9 years, she was his first. I am his second. I think that keeps part of him innocent. 

Who knows. I honestly don't know how much is true about fantasies or anything he has because he is not very great at talking or sharing his thoughts and feelings.

I asked him about the oral thing, as was talked about in the other thread. He said he was being selfish that is why he hasn't done it. PLEASE! Almost four years of selfishness? lol Lord help me.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

He sounds very insecure. I say that not to judge, or be mean. I say that because I can recognize some of my insecurities in him, as you describe him. I try not to let those things run my life, though.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Thunder7 said:


> He sounds very insecure. I say that not to judge, or be mean. I say that because I can recognize some of my insecurities in him, as you describe him. I try not to let those things run my life, though.


He has admitted that he doesn't want anyone to steal me from him and that he is insecure about certain things. One being that he "thinks" he is under experienced compared to me. That is far from true in the first place. I've never had anyone touch me the way he does! 

-back to thread-

Him judging me as made me feel like I cant open up.
Then again, some of it is me too!


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

bkaydezz said:


> He has admitted that he doesn't want anyone to steal me from him and that he is insecure about certain things. One being that he "thinks" he is under experienced compared to me. That is far from true in the first place. I've never had anyone touch me the way he does!
> 
> -back to thread-
> 
> ...


I don't know how long you guys have been together. But, I remember the 'I know your going to leave me' phase. I never verbalized it, but I sure felt it. When we met my wife was so far out of my league I thought just enjoy it while it lasts. In fact, I remember one time, on the roof of her apartment, she was sunbathing in a skimpy bikini and I just thought, 'Holy $hit, she kinda digs ME!!'............ 

Sorry, where was I? 

Well, 20+ years later, we're still going strong.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Thunder7 said:


> I don't know how long you guys have been together. But, I remember the 'I know your going to leave me' phase. I never verbalized it, but I sure felt it. When we met my wife was so far out of my league I thought just enjoy it while it lasts. In fact, I remember one time, on the roof of her apartment, she was sunbathing in a skimpy bikini and I just thought, 'Holy $hit, she kinda digs ME!!'............
> 
> Sorry, where was I?
> 
> Well, 20+ years later, we're still going strong.


That's awesome!!! haha 
Yea, she digs ya if she is flaunting it!

How was she out of your league?


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Long blonde hair, spectacular body. All the surface stuff. Personality wise, I guess we were the perfect fit.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

I never even understood that. I see more Odd "LOOKING" couples than anything. People you never think would be attracted to that other person. 

That is always interesting.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

I know. It's one of our favorite pastimes. Looking to see who out kicked their coverage in the mate department.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Tango said:


> My H told me once that he didn't think I was going to be happy until he bent me over the kitchen table... I said ok!


What do I have to do to make that happen! Damn man!

Getting rid of the kids would be step 1.
Getting curtains would be step 2.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

I am going home and put her across my knee for avoiding her marriage obligations of keeping my stress level in check. :rofl:


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> What do I have to do to make that happen! Damn man!
> 
> Getting rid of the kids would be step 1.
> Getting curtains would be step 2.


There is no step 2.

If someone doesn't want to see what's going on in there, they shouldn't be looking in the windows.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Happyquest said:


> For your sexual desires or fantasys? Have you ever been thought of as a pervert because of your fantasies or desires you have shared with your spouse?
> 
> If you were judged how did it make you feel?


 Yes I have, ive been called a pervert. I sent my husband dirty pictures once. He told me it was inappropriate and then called me a pervert. I havent done it since.

How did it make me feel? It pissed me off, it hurt!


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

ladybird said:


> Yes I have, ive been called a pervert. I sent my husband dirty pictures once. He told me it was inappropriate and then called me a pervert. I havent done it since.
> 
> How did it make me feel? It pissed me off, it hurt!


Ouch I can see how that would hurt. So sorry that happened to you. I so wish my wife would do that but it will never happen.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

Happyquest said:


> For your sexual desires or fantasys? Have you ever been thought of as a pervert because of your fantasies or desires you have shared with your spouse?
> 
> If you were judged how did it make you feel?


I've been judged. because I've never had crazy desire and don't own any sexual fantasies. So instead of being called a pervert, I get the flip side: I'm repressed, not normal, and my manhood is in question. 

The words hurt the same way. I learned about sex in a different way with different social constraints than the way she learned. We each have our own individual perceptions of what sex is supposed to be - but this doesn't mean either of us is wrong, or broken or in need of repair. 

But I still get that look, or some odd comment, and sometimes, I don't think she even realizes she's doing it. 

Oh well.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

Lila said:


> He grew up in the heart of the bible belt where adults never discussed sex and when it was discussed, it was in the context of procreation.


I grew up in a similar place. High Society and Southern. We never spoke of sex. My Dad never had the talk with me. My Grandparents told me who I could and could not date in high school. Health class had a week about human sexuality and it might as well been a Geography test: Here's a line drawling with letters identifying the important features, identify them.



Lila said:


> *Would you say that how you and your spouse were brought up made a difference in the way they perceive sex, and whether they judge something as taboo?*


Absolutely. She's still stunned at all of the things I do not know about. "Didn't you ever see a stag film at a bachelor's party?" she asked me once. "Why would we watch a movie about deer?" I answered. 

Say that some time in your youth you became fascinated with the city of Paris. Something you watched, or read, or a story someone told you made you interested and you kept that interest level. 

That describes my LW's view of sex. Me, on the other hand, never heard of Paris. Since I never heard of it... I never acquired any particular interest. So now, she tries to share her excitement about Paris... and I just look at her dumbfounded. 

=)


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Yep, it's judgement city here. He tells me I am a very naughty girl and I tell him be is big, bad and dirty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Holland said:


> Yep, it's judgement city here. He tells me I am a very naughty girl and I tell him be is big, bad and dirty.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


oh beHAVE!! :smthumbup:


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

Happyquest said:


> For your sexual desires or fantasys? Have you ever been thought of as a pervert because of your fantasies or desires you have shared with your spouse?


I do not share my fantasies with my wife due to this very issue. She grew up in a house where sex was talked about. Whenever we tried to talk about sex she gets embarrassed and/or offended. I have some pretty crazy fantasies that would not violate our marriage covenant but they will stay safely locked away in my brain. 



Happyquest said:


> If you were judged how did it make you feel?


It's basically killed any romantic love I have for my wife. Not just not being able to share fantasies but her whole attitude about sex and how we cannot talk about it without her judging me to be a freak. After years of getting my hand slapped away I just don't care anymore. When I can't share everything with the one person in this world who pledged to always love me then I feel like I have to be a different person around her than who I really am.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

ladybird said:


> Yes I have, I've been called a pervert. I sent my husband dirty pictures once. He told me it was inappropriate and then called me a pervert. I haven't done it since.
> 
> How did it make me feel? It pissed me off, it hurt!


*What a "stuffed-shirt" tool! You had absolutely every right to be PO'd!*


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

MrVanilla said:


> I've been judged. because I've never had crazy desire and don't own any sexual fantasies. So instead of being called a pervert, I get the flip side: I'm repressed, not normal, and my manhood is in question.
> 
> The words hurt the same way. I learned about sex in a different way with different social constraints than the way she learned. We each have our own individual perceptions of what sex is supposed to be - but this doesn't mean either of us is wrong, or broken or in need of repair.
> 
> ...


I sympathize with you Mr. Vanilla. My sex drive has really fallen off over the last 5 years or so, partly because of age, partly because of the lingering guilt/resentment after a brief affair. My unwillingness to have sex with my wife, who has a tendency to drink too much, has led to some very unkind comments: "Are you gay?" "Do you look at porn? (yes, but I try to control it)" 

It's a vicious circle, because your wife, probably like mine, is feeling humiliated because she thinks you're not attracted to her, but you'll get off on that big-titted **** going at it like a cat in heat. You both suffer from humiliation since you aren't the lover you should be and you're not satisfying her sexually.

It's a vicious circle to break out of but you just have to try. See a doctor, see a sex or marriage councillor, do something to activate yourself. It can make a world of difference. The longer you linger on your failings, the worse it will become. Actions, even if it's just taking the step to see a doctor, can change it all.

But there's one thing that your wife has to understand: she has to act as someone you can trust, otherwise you will wall her off.


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