# surreal cheating in front of my eyes



## ColinC (Jul 23, 2013)

Hi i am new to the forum I have been reading the posts for just on two weeks and really start to understand what some of you have been through.
I am a 48 year old male been married for 15 years started seeing my wife (soon to be ex) 17 years ago, we have two kids My Son 20 years old From my wives previous relationship (I adopted him) and my daughter 14 years old.
We moved to New Zealand 2.5 years ago, now I being a citizen sponsored my wife so she can get her residence this came through 3 months ago. We bought a house in December 2012 and she had her parents come over to visit telling them how happy she was with her new house etc. We got friendly with the new Neighbors. Dave who owns the house but works overseas, Pete and bee who rent the house and are friends with Dave.
Now this seemed all good my wife was very friendly with Bee a girly friendship (not a Problem) so she spent a lot of time next door sometimes come home late. I have trusted my wife for 17 years so I was OK with that. 
About three weeks ago I noticed that my wife was not wearing her wedding ring I asked her were it was and she said she lost it in the move but thinks they might be in a box some were I looked at photos taken this year and she was wearing the ring ?
so I asked her are you sure you lost those rings she said they around the house so I accused her of pawning the rings and out she came (yes I did so what are you going to do about it)
Nothing I said but why did you pawn them she said because I never give her any money. I was very upset about this and there were a lot more lies to follow basically every thing I asked her about from this point was a lie to cut a long story short on the 8/7/2013 I caught her having sexual intercourse with Dave. This was a surreal moment a night mare that plays through in my head I opened there front door walked into the house in to the room and watched them having sex while I had a million things running through my mind it took all my inner strength to stop myself from violence I just waited till she told her lover switch of the light it is so bright in here and when they got up they were speechless they had been caught in the act.
I kicked her out of the house there and then and told Dave he was a two faced c**t and to keep is F**ck*** hoar that she was his problem now. 
What seems Ironic to me is I feel like the failure as these cheaters do not seem to have remorse she moved out does not care about our son and has met with my daughter once and is trying to get her to move in with Dave so they can be one happy family she told my daughter not to tell me but she tells me everything they may even be planning to move to another country. 
My question is how do you cause a train wreck and just walk away from the injured passengers with out remorse.

any advise on moving forward


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

ColinC said:


> Hi i am new to the forum I have been reading the posts for just on two weeks and really start to understand what some of you have been through.
> I am a 48 year old male been married for 15 years started seeing my wife (soon to be ex) 17 years ago, we have two kids My Son 20 years old From my wives previous relationship (I adopted him) and my daughter 14 years old.
> We moved to New Zealand 2.5 years ago, now I being a citizen sponsored my wife so she can get her residence this came through 3 months ago. We bought a house in December 2012 and she had her parents come over to visit telling them how happy she was with her new house etc. We got friendly with the new Neighbors. Dave who owns the house but works overseas, Pete and bee who rent the house and are friends with Dave.
> Now this seemed all good my wife was very friendly with Bee a girly friendship (not a Problem) so she spent a lot of time next door sometimes come home late. I have trusted my wife for 17 years so I was OK with that.
> ...


Dear ColinC,

Contact a lawyer immediately and file for divorce. 

Separate your finances from hers.

Tell your children that you love them and will always be there for therm. Consider getting them into counseling.

Get counseling for yourself if you need it.

Limit interactions with your WW to your children's needs and the divorce.

Try to control your temper as you need to make clear decisions and will come off better to others that way. 

Think with your head, not with your heart.

Try not to obsess about what your WW has done to worry about figuring her out -- instead, focus the time and energy on making yourself a better person for your next relationship (i.e., look to the future, not to the past). 

Disclose what she has done to family and friends. 

If your a religious person, pray for guidance, strength and peace (wouldn't hurt to pray for this even if you're not particularly religious).

Sorry this has happened and wishing you and your children the best possible outcome.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

My advice. File for divorce and expose to everyone. 

Protect your assets and your child. 

Your wife has no remorse and already sold her wedding rings. Time to move on. 

Sorry for the pain you are in but it does get better. 

Also I am assuming you meant 7/8/13 as August is in the future. 

Good luck. There is happiness on the other side of divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

workindad said:


> Also I am assuming you meant 7/8/13 as August is in the future. _Posted via Mobile Device_


No - he meant 8/7/13 - which means the eighth of July. He is not in the USA.

Please consider national differences before being rude to posters.

to OP, the advice is good though.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

workindad said:


> My advice. File for divorce and expose to everyone.
> 
> *Protect your assets and your child. *
> 
> ...


And hopefully also, the son. It seems he's been failed by two parents so far.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> And hopefully also, the son. It seems he's been failed by two parents so far.


The mother was not a complete failure to her son. She found a guy to take on his raising. Even when I was still a teenager, I found it mind blowing that young guys would take on some other dude's kid to raise. Unless the kid's father was KIA or something like that, an obscene percentage of these marriages end this way.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I agree with the advice above. Do all you can for your peace of mind and that of your children. Do all you can to focus on yours and their future. You cannot control the ridiculous behaviour of your soon to be ex wife. She will make her own path. Hopefully she will come back down to earth and begin to realise she is screwing up her children's lives. Though she is so far down the hole there may be no climbing back out. 

She will come to regret it. Absolutely. When though, and how soon, is questionable.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

obviously she doesn't give a sh*t about you, or her kids---

Let her go--she isn't worth it---let her new lover have her----obviously they deserve each other---she doesn't know a thing about him, and soon enuff she will find out---sex does not carry a relationship

It seems like you are going to get a D---so make sure you get all the marital money, in an acct with only your name on it---make sure she can not get her hands on any part of your paycheck from now on,----cancel all CC's with her name on them---if the house belongs to her lover---get out, find a new home, if you are buying the house decide if you want to keep it, or dump it back on her lover

Do not tie yourself to her, any further---take the kids, and go on your way---and most of all do not let her lover anywhere near your daughter---any man who willingly/knowingly would break up a mge---is not the kind of person, you want talking to your daughter---get a restraining order if necessary---but keep him away from your daughter---


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm sorry, I'm sure that was very painful. You deserve better, she will have to ride the karma bus sooner or later. The odds of her staying in the new relationship are very low.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> The mother was not a complete failure to her son. She found a guy to take on his raising. Even when I was still a teenager, I found it mind blowing that young guys would take on some other dude's kid to raise. Unless the kid's father was KIA or something like that, an obscene percentage of these marriages end this way.


A friend of mine was a single mom when she met her future husband in her 20s. Sometimes she does mention that her husband isn't as generous, or naturally generous, to her first child as to the biological kids between them.

So it's not always a perfect union.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> A friend of mine was a single mom when she met her future husband in her 20s. Sometimes she does mention that her husband isn't as generous, or naturally generous, to her first child as to the biological kids between them.
> 
> So it's not always a perfect union.


Nope, just a-holes from the other side of the equation. But, as with so much of the behavior described in this forum, it's probably innate, instinctive, limbic and the guy is too dumb to understand he's doing it and work around it. Humans are seriously flawed, even without analyzing the KISA factor.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

ColinC said:


> Dave who owns the house but works overseas, Pete and bee who rent the house and are friends with Dave.
> 
> 8/7/2013 I caught her having sexual intercourse with Dave. This was a surreal moment a night mare that plays through in my head I opened there front door walked into the house in to the room and watched them having sex while I had a million things running through my mind it took all my inner strength to stop myself from violence I just waited till she told her lover switch of the light it is so bright in here and when they got up they were speechless they had been caught in the act.


They were having sex in your home? Does Dave live in the same house as you, your wife and your daughter?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you called her parents and siblings to let them know? Her pastor/priest?

Spend today CUTTING HER OFF from all sources of money. THIS hour.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

ColinC said:


> What seems Ironic to me is I feel like the failure as these cheaters do not seem to have remorse she moved out does not care about our son and has met with my daughter once and is trying to get her to move in with Dave so they can be one happy family she told my daughter not to tell me but she tells me everything *they may even be planning to move to another country.*


Tlka to a lawyer ASAP, make this - if possible - a complete impossible task.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Take your daughters passport and put in a secure place outside the home where only you can get it, like a friend at work.

Cut her off from all money and change the locks on the house.

Call family and expose the affair.

File for D, can you name Dave in the petition in NZ?


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Cut her off from all money and change the locks on the house.


I don't think he can change the locks since Dave owns the house?


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Put your valuable things in a safety deposit box or storage... My EX did a great job of taking what she wanted when I was on travel and I had no recourse.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Suspecting said:


> They were having sex in your home? Does Dave live in the same house as you, your wife and your daughter?


I think Dave owns the house next door. But is often overseas. 

They need to be exposed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I'm sorry,

Brother, I am sorry you are here. Many of us blame ourselves for our spouse's behavior. She did not accidentally slip and land her vagina on his penis. It was done deliberately and without care for you at all. My EX did a lot of the same crap... taking off the ring... 

You might have not been the perfect husband but nobody is and even if you were, she would have cheated anyway because she felt like she could and she wanted to. Don't beat yourself up here. Come to grips with what is happening and be smart.


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## ColinC (Jul 23, 2013)

Thank you all for your advise so far just to clarify I caught them in his house next door to mine he is the Neighbor what I meant is I told her to not come back to my house except to pack her things and move out which she did. and it was the 8th of July


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Change the locks and get her name off of the lease. Or you can simply move... Get away from that toxic situation. I suggest you move.

My EX banged both my next door neighbors. I had to uproot my kids from the only home they knew and I moved and it was WORTH IT!!!!! Get out of there so you can get your head on straight.

Let them have each other. The woman you knew... She is gone, you have a sleazy remnant left. don't fool yourself. Be smart about your finances. It is just business now.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

ColinC said:


> Thank you all for your advise so far just to clarify I caught them in his house next door to mine he is the Neighbor what I meant is I told her to not come back to my house except to pack her things and move out which she did. and it was the 8th of July


OK my misunderstanding. She lives with Dave now? Just move away from that island.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Yessongs72 said:


> No - he meant 8/7/13 - which means the eighth of July. He is not in the USA.
> 
> Please consider national differences before being rude to posters.
> 
> to OP, the advice is good though.


That wasn't rude...


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

What a tragic story. I can't add anything that has already benn said. File for divorce now. 

Doesn't it take two years in NZ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'd add that exposing Dave as a scumbag is also something you should be doing , go after him though public exposure and telling the world what kind of guy he is.

I am surprised you let both of them walk out of the room in one piece when you caught them. I honestly would not have held it together. There would have been an incident and only one of us would have walked away.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I would rake the eyes out of that little *****. I can't believe you let them go. 

I sometimes wonder why I was never afforded the opportunity to beat the ever-loving fvck out of the chubby pasty OM. 

You guys have some golden opportunities. And you're passing them by.


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

Yessongs72 said:


> No - he meant 8/7/13 - which means the eighth of July. He is not in the USA.
> 
> Please consider national differences before being rude to posters.
> 
> to OP, the advice is good though.


Heh, Americans/Brits and date writing. Makes almost as much sense as the imperial unit system.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Numbersixxx said:


> Heh, Americans/Brits and date writing. Makes almost as much sense as the imperial unit system.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, unlike you Germans, we have to measure our units in inches and not centimeters... Just sayin!

I know I am going to get banned again but I just couldn't help it! :rofl:


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## ColinC (Jul 23, 2013)

I have to hold it together I am not going to spend 20 Years in jail for man slaughter of some **** head (that is not worth it)


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## ColinC (Jul 23, 2013)

Not so simple to just move out I bought the house in December I will loose my life savings if I sell it now its a long term investment I was planning at least 5 years before this happened


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## ColinC (Jul 23, 2013)

to file for divorce takes two years here


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Can you withdraw your sponsorship?


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I commend you for not beating up Dave & losing it.
I think although people like to say what they would do in a situation like, the majority most likely would be too shocked to do much more than stand there in absolute shock.

Have you contact your InLaws to let them know what your wife has/is doing?
That should really shake things up in her twisted little world.
Also mention how she pawned her wedding ring, that should be a nice bit to top things off.

Get all your ducks in a row, get her off anything financial, find out how to get her name off your home.
Change the beneficiary for any insurance that you may have, change all bank accounts to take her off as well as a beneficiary, change your Will, including who your children could be left with.
Sure it seems morbid, but you can't be too careful when it comes to a divorce.

Most of all, take care of yourself, the mind movies you have must be unbelievable since you actually saw your wife having sex with another man. 
Keep posting on TAM, if anything, just to find a neutral place to vent.


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## ColinC (Jul 23, 2013)

I am glad of one thing that I did find out this way, as hard as it is I now the truth no more lies everything becomes crystal clear after that , I like many on this forum had clues but no proof it drives you crazy ( I felt really bad about thinking such thoughts about my wife I had a gut feeling that something was going on I asked her all the hard questions was she having a affair was she just in the marriage until something better came along I got all the answers you would want to hear as a faithful husband every one of them was lies. Her family do now what happened they are disappointed 
they did not bring her up that way but she has this new found attitude (my rules my life take it or leave it) Morality does not matter any more Ironic as she always condemned people having affairs as to how cruel it was on there partners ?
Regarding sponsorship I can not sponsor any one for the next 5 years (pity I could of found some one more deserving)


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

I think you handled things splendidly. You stood your ground and ordered her out of the house. Let the OM have her sorry butt. Those two will feed off each other until one or the other cheats and that will be the end of that disgusting experiment. I'm just sorry you had to see them in the act. That must be unbelievably painful to remember. 

Her attitude is common. Cheaters in the affair fog are literally caught up in a self imposed psychosis. But as she lives with the OM she will find out at some point that he is not the Prince Charming she thought he was. He will belch and fart and snore and stink like any other man. The new car smell won't last long and I think before the two years waiting period is up she will come crawling back. Either to you or her family. This won't end well for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

ColinC said:


> Not so simple to just move out I bought the house in December I will loose my life savings if I sell it now its a long term investment I was planning at least 5 years before this happened


Rent the place out. You need to get away. This will eat at you. Downsize to a smaller place and rent this place out if possible.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Colin,

Sorry you are in this forum trying to cope up with your wife's infdelity.

You must read the newbies link. This is the second thread in this forum. Read. Assimilate.

Take care, eat well, sleep well. Go for exercises.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Does Cheaterville cover New Zealand yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

ColinC said:


> Not so simple to just move out I bought the house in December I will loose my life savings if I sell it now its a long term investment I was planning at least 5 years before this happened


Unless you over paid you should be able to sell it for what you paid for it.

Move and rent it out till sold.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

theroad said:


> Unless you over paid you should be able to sell it for what you paid for it.
> 
> Move and rent it out till sold.


It's not that easy. If he moves out Dave might decide to have the house trashed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Colin

I am glad you took swift action.

Now protect your kids and move forward with your life.

If infidelity is involved do you have to wait two years for a divorce?

Then again I would love to live next door to them. I would watch every day for the moment Dave gets tired of her and dumps her ass out the door.

Did the renter couple know what was going on?

And yes your wife was certainly not worth giving citizenship to. She is a big liar with no balls to tell you the truth.

HM


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You refuse to move away from your new house, she on the other hand is planning to move to another country and take the kids with her! If she can't stand living next door then she move but within a reasonable distance so you can parent your kids.

Lawyer. ASAP.

Don't let more things "happen to you". Take charge, be proactive.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What do your son and daughtet say?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> The mother was not a complete failure to her son. She found a guy to take on his raising. Even when I was still a teenager, I found it mind blowing that young guys would take on some other dude's kid to raise. Unless the kid's father was KIA or something like that, an obscene percentage of these marriages end this way.


Well, Mac, is it fair to say that this is transaction. A man sees a woman whom he calculates if higher on the sex rank scale than him, until the child enters the calculation, sees an opportunity. He gets to sleep with a woman who is hotter than he had hoped for.

The woman perceives this consciously or unconsciously. So, in the her mind he never really "fairly" won her because she was forced to adjust her expectation downwards to compensate for support of her child with another father.

The moral objection is the apparent bad faith on the woman's part. She has made vows that she violates, destroying her husband who married her in the belief that there was a serious commitment by both to weather the vicissitudes of life within the protection of this bond.

But stop. Divorce is no fault. The traditional Christian vows have not the force of law. And the official civil ones probably do not say anything about being *faithful and until death do we part* because they would blatantly be in contradiction of the opt out clause – divorce.

People who get married don't read the fine print.

Colin,

What does your daughter say about the situation?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Well, so far you have done the right thing. You gave her the bums rush out of the house and you kept your cool by not getting violent. I guess I'll chime in and say the same thing everyone else is saying. Hire a lawyer and divorce her. As far as the kids go, if their with you then you can pretty much bet that this is where they want to be and I for one am happy that they at least have one responsible parent. Just remember. If something should come up between you and your STBEW and OM, and it's starts turning to something unpleasant, remember the kids. Doesn't matter how old they are, they still need you and fat lot of good it will do if your in jail for not thinking. Best of luck.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

ColinC said:


> I am glad of one thing that I did find out this way, as hard as it is I now the truth no more lies everything becomes crystal clear after that , I like many on this forum had clues but no proof it drives you crazy ( I felt really bad about thinking such thoughts about my wife I had a gut feeling that something was going on I asked her all the hard questions was she having a affair was she just in the marriage until something better came along I got all the answers you would want to hear as a faithful husband every one of them was lies. Her family do now what happened they are disappointed
> they did not bring her up that way but she has this new found attitude (my rules my life take it or leave it) Morality does not matter any more Ironic as she always condemned people having affairs as to how cruel it was on there partners ?
> Regarding sponsorship I can not sponsor any one for the next 5 years (pity I could of found some one more deserving)


I know exactly how you feel right now because over 30 yrs ago I did the same thing as you – I walked in, there was no need for evidence gathering, I saw it all. I kept it together and told her it was over, get out, etc just like you. No violence, I was amazingly calm, almost an out of body experience. I was young, 1 month from college graduation. She was just having a wild fling because she knew we were moving back to our state when I graduated (she worked, no school) and I surprised her. She yelled, and cried etc, etc when that didn’t work she changed and I went dark immediately and did a 180 before there was a 180. She panicked. Her secret adventure was over, all the sudden it wasn’t fun, without sneaking around, it lasted about 2 more weeks and she tried to come back. I told her to stay and I moved on – what I’m trying to say to you, do not buckle when she tries to come back, it will happen. Stay dark, don’t talk to her, get your lawyer now, finances together, hide your money, start separating from her and move on with your life, levae her behind and don’t look back. Because within 3 months she will be back. Good luck, I know how bad you hurt but stay strong, you will survive this, I did ……..


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## ColinC (Jul 23, 2013)

There is cheaterville in Australia so probally could post here in New Zealand


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## ColinC (Jul 23, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Colin
> 
> I am glad you took swift action.
> 
> ...


Good question about the renter couple I am not entirely convinced I do not trust any of them


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## ColinC (Jul 23, 2013)

Acabado said:


> You refuse to move away from your new house, she on the other hand is planning to move to another country and take the kids with her! If she can't stand living next door then she move but within a reasonable distance so you can parent your kids.
> 
> Lawyer. ASAP.
> 
> Don't let more things "happen to you". Take charge, be proactive.


When she moved out they decided not to add insult to injury and moved to another suburb but I now he goes to see her every day and is now supporting her financially he will go back to the oil rig soon + - 3 months if he wants her to find work it will be pretty tough in this town she has no qualifications and has had not worked in years (never needed to) lucky for her she does not have to emigrate to this country. One thing though if you are a citizen of New Zealand you can Work and Live in Australia she has a five year visa for Australia which will expire in Feb 2014 she will not be able to renew it as I would have to apply for it, I should notify Australia immigration to safe guard my self also she will not be able to live in there unless she has Australia or New Zealand citizenship so it would seem to me that these plans are not well thought out, her citizenship here will take minimum six years


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Colin

They are doomed to failure as a couple. You'll see.

As a single Mom she will not be able to support herself or either of the kids.

What you need to do now is focus on you and your kids.

Make sure a lawyer has your's and your kids best interests covered.

Maybe your lawyer could find a way to speed up the Divorce.

I think the kids would be better off with you especially when your wife has her head so far up her butt.

HM


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

God. What you must be going through. I only ever saw my wife and her OM holding hands in public which was bad enough to be honest. For which my wife apologised. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Colinc, I know what you are going through. I caught my in an A with my brother. I gave her a chance then I walked into them having sex. I wasnt as angry and hurt. Brother ended hospital with 17 stiches and thrown her out of the home instantly.

First time it was easier as there was only mind movies but second time.......

Still even after some time I canot get over that. You will need a lot of help from IC and support from family and friends.

Dont waste another second, Lawyer up, you may be able to file sooner as infidelity is involved. Do everything to protect your finance and children. 

She is going to crawl back to you, get ready to deal that, its very hard to say NO. My wife is still trying for that even after I am having a better and beautiful GF. But I am so detached from her that I told her to ***OFF.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Deleted


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> The mother was not a complete failure to her son. She found a guy to take on his raising. Even when I was still a teenager, I found it mind blowing that young guys would take on some other dude's kid to raise. Unless the kid's father was KIA or something like that, an obscene percentage of these marriages end this way.


I married a single mom over huge opposition, 47 years ago...

It all depends on the woman's character....It was the most obvious thing about her...She was the most fiercely protective mother I had ever seen....

Still together, and the boy would step in front of a bullet for me.....

Sometimes it works unbelievably well...

the woodchuck


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Expect her to come running back with snot and tears. I suspect when the dude goes to the oil rig she may have her awakening. 

Right now it seems you have most of the cards. I would not share any thing about her immigration issues with any one, not the kids, not the family, no one. She may not have thought it through and this could bite her big time. Cheaters don't think oftentimes about the future, they just cheat and go brain dead. You may feel like bragging or sharing how stupid she is but don't go there. Hold that information close and don't assume that she knows.

If there is any chance that you see R in your future don't post her on cheaterville (post him), it will not help R. I say this about R because right now you have been hit up side the head and I suspect that things could change real fast as I look at how her living arraigments are going to change once the dude goes to the oil rig. 

Just know that long term or even short term this relationship is very unlikely to work out with your wife and the dude. And who does she have to turn to? You.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

She could always let the OM pay everything and cheat him while he's away. That would be karma at least for the OM.


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## ColinC (Jul 23, 2013)

Thank you every one for your feedback and support it makes it a lot easier to cope.

As a matter of interest I spoke to my CW asked her to tell me how I contributed to her doing what she did ie: why she turned against me I could not get a plausible answer she told me that she was unhappy for a number of years, thought the immigration new house etc would make her feel better it did not so the affair happened I asked if she loved her new man, she only could tell me she had feelings for him, so I asked her when she will be moving in with him, She said it is not like that ?, also asked are you now happy that I am out of the picture and she is still not happy, She knows what she has done is very destructive I honestly think she never thought she would be caught (wanted the best of both worlds ie house to live in food and bills paid lover next door sucker husband to pay for every†hing, main thing for me is to get over it, I feel in a way it is like dealing with the death of someone close to you the person I once loved is gone forever.It is funny you will do anything for some one you love but when they betray that they just become users selfish people. 
has any one on this forum made friends with there ex afterwards 
got over the whole ordeal turned the hurt on to there ex partner made them regret what they did, I think I really deserved a better a partner, some one who would support me and stand by me not betray my trust, I think a mutual relationship like this is still out there, we all make mistakes in live but we can control our moral judgement and there is no excuse for Adultery


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Colinc, I know what you are going through. I caught my in an A with my brother. I gave her a chance then I walked into them having sex. I wasnt as angry and hurt. Brother ended hospital with 17 stiches and thrown her out of the home instantly.
> 
> First time it was easier as there was only mind movies but second time.......
> 
> ...


Hard case KP. Sorry for you.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

ColinC said:


> has any one on this forum made friends with there ex afterwards



Can one really be friends with someone that cant be trusted or does not have integrity? 

Would it not make more sense to hang with people with higher standards?


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## ColinC (Jul 23, 2013)

Suspecting said:


> She could always let the OM pay everything and cheat him while he's away. That would be karma at least for the OM.





aug said:


> Can one really be friends with someone that cant be trusted or does not have integrity?
> 
> Would it not make more sense to hang with people with higher standards?


:iagree:


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## ColinC (Jul 23, 2013)

or just standards would be good


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

What are her plans regarding the kids (at least what she claims)? 
What are the current arrangements?
Has she ever expresed a desire to fix things somehow or it's ebvioust there's no way back?
Has she apologized at least?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Colin

Other than coparenting do you think she deserves an ounce of friendship from you?

Let her earn it!

Keep moving forward and find a good lawyer/solicitor.

Because wayward wife is selfish and so very lost right now.

That s a very bad combination.

HM


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

I wonder if the OM is a whale predator? In NZ they have this sick tradition where they chase whales to the shore and then brutally beat them to dead.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

ColinC, they never think they are going to get caught. And, cheaters consider themselves to be such prizes, they never expect the dummy they are deceiving to not want them back.
don't buy the business that she sold the ring (s) because you failed to giver her any money. She sold because they meant NOTHING to her.
I gave my cheater every material thing she ever asked for and she still played me like a fiddle.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

hookares said:


> ColinC, they never think they are going to get caught. And, cheaters consider themselves to be such prizes, they never expect the dummy they are deceiving to not want them back.
> don't buy the business that she sold the ring (s) because you failed to giver her any money. She sold because they meant NOTHING to her.
> I gave my cheater every material thing she ever asked for and she still played me like a fiddle.


Actions. Actions. Actions. The selling of the ring represents how little it meant to her.

However in the land of cheaters, lies are spun up, and lies ontop of lies ontop of lies, lies even to yourself to keep it all going. So in the end you do a bunch of stupid crap. Some just accept they are lyers to the bone. Others are stuck in it until they finish their cycle. It takes years to finish a cycle.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

ColinC said:


> Thank you every one for your feedback and support it makes it a lot easier to cope.
> 
> As a matter of interest I spoke to my CW asked her to tell me how I contributed to her doing what she did ie: why she turned against me I could not get a plausible answer she told me that she was unhappy for a number of years, thought the immigration new house etc would make her feel better it did not so the affair happened I asked if she loved her new man, she only could tell me she had feelings for him, so I asked her when she will be moving in with him, She said it is not like that ?, also asked are you now happy that I am out of the picture and she is still not happy, She knows what she has done is very destructive I honestly think she never thought she would be caught (wanted the best of both worlds ie house to live in food and bills paid lover next door sucker husband to pay for every†hing, main thing for me is to get over it, I feel in a way it is like dealing with the death of someone close to you the person I once loved is gone forever.It is funny you will do anything for some one you love but when they betray that they just become users selfish people.
> has any one on this forum made friends with there ex afterwards
> got over the whole ordeal turned the hurt on to there ex partner made them regret what they did, I think I really deserved a better a partner, some one who would support me and stand by me not betray my trust, I think a mutual relationship like this is still out there, we all make mistakes in live but we can control our moral judgement and there is no excuse for Adultery


Some here on TAM do find their way to working things out after D with their XWS, especially if kids are involved. 

It is a death. The person you thought you knew is dead. Takes time to grieve this.

The way you have described her answers to your questions shows several things in my mind. One, this was not an exit A. She seems to have no plans on leaving you (like my wife), had feelings for the OM, wanted sex and had an emotional attachment, but was not making big plans on leaving you, typical cake-eater. Two, her reaction to being caught shows that she had no plans. Was caught up in the fog of the A and to hel* with any consequences. Hence, she is not happy with the OM nor in the fact that you may be out of her life. I thhink she does realize the mess she has created and is trying to come to terms with it. She is (IMO) trying to figure out what you are really going to do, thinking, "is this the end of my M", "is there a chance that you may R", etc. Right now she is hurt, confused, scared, etc.

"Sucker husband" - yea I know the feeling. You are not a sucker, she is. Lol - sorry for the tongue in cheek attempt at humor, but you will see done the road that you are not the sucker. I have moments of where I still feel like I should have a big tattoo of "loser" on my forhead. The fact that she could not give you a plausible answer to what you have contributed to this I believe speaks volumns and I would ask you to stop and examine this for what I might see in this. Typically a WS would be lashing out at the BS at this stage (mine did) and yours is not. Mine an others here on TAM have experienced some of the most hateful words on d-day and after. Mine lasted a few months until my wife finally came clean on just about everything and repented. Your WS is not showing much hostility. All I am saying here is look at your WS's reaction. I think she realizes what she is losing, for what it's worth.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

ColinC said:


> Thank you every one for your feedback and support it makes it a lot easier to cope.
> 
> As a matter of interest I spoke to my CW asked her to tell me how I contributed to her doing what she did ie: why she turned against me I could not get a plausible answer she told me that she was unhappy for a number of years, thought the immigration new house etc would make her feel better it did not so the affair happened I asked if she loved her new man, she only could tell me she had feelings for him, so I asked her when she will be moving in with him, She said it is not like that ?, also asked are you now happy that I am out of the picture and she is still not happy, She knows what she has done is very destructive *I honestly think she never thought she would be caught *(wanted the best of both worlds ie house to live in food and bills paid lover next door sucker husband to pay for every†hing, main thing for me is to get over it, I feel in a way it is like dealing with the death of someone close to you the person I once loved is gone forever.It is funny you will do anything for some one you love but when they betray that they just become users selfish people.
> *has any one on this forum made friends with there ex afterwards *
> got over the whole ordeal turned the hurt on to there ex partner made them regret what they did, I think I really deserved a better a partner, some one who would support me and stand by me not betray my trust, I think a mutual relationship like this is still out there, we all make mistakes in live but we can control our moral judgement and there is no excuse for Adultery


I am a firm believer that people do make mistakes and at times deserve a second chance; however some mistakes in a M are irreversible. If it was a drunken ONS, sometimes you can work that out. But a deliberate planned and conscious long term hidden affair can not be fixed and is irreversible, the damage is too great. She had multiple opportunities to think about what she was doing and stop but chose not to. Why drag out the inevitable. You have no reason to be friends with her now. She is not your friend, move on and don’t look back.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Yea she is actively trying to sabotage you relationship with your children. I'd divorce her immediately and do everything in my power to move back home. I'd also see if you can get out of your contract so you aren't paying this man any more money. I'd treat her as if she were someone with you were just friends with benefits with and then wipe her from your mind as best you can. I wouldn't think twice about moving the whole family back home and leaving her with the other man.


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## ColinC (Jul 23, 2013)

Acabado said:


> What are her plans regarding the kids (at least what she claims)?
> What are the current arrangements?
> Has she ever expresed a desire to fix things somehow or it's ebvioust there's no way back?
> Has she apologized at least?


1 she is a mine of hidden information I believe that she is going to set up a house with her new man I am apposed to him being any were near my daughter and want to stop that I will find out about a restraining order as mentioned in other post I do not want a scum bag to be her step father he is divorced ex wife committed suicide (why ?) I do not now wish I new the whole story it would give me some insight to what type of person he is .
2 I do not see any desire at this stage for her to fix things She admits she has done wrong, she said she is sorry but I think what she means is sorry that she got caught.
it would seem that she has had to speed up her plans, my thought is she would of done all this any way and then dropped a bomb shell when every thing was arranged and make it out to be that she never had an affair and end our marriage that way she would of then had a clear conscience and made me out to be the cause of the marriage break up and dupe all decent friends and family she would have been pretty smug if she got that right.


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## ColinC (Jul 23, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Colin
> 
> Other than coparenting do you think she deserves an ounce of friendship from you?
> 
> ...


:iagree: You Are Right


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## ColinC (Jul 23, 2013)

Suspecting said:


> I wonder if the OM is a whale predator? In NZ they have this sick tradition where they chase whales to the shore and then brutally beat them to dead.


Not any more we love our wales and marine live


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## ColinC (Jul 23, 2013)

hookares said:


> ColinC, they never think they are going to get caught. And, cheaters consider themselves to be such prizes, they never expect the dummy they are deceiving to not want them back.
> don't buy the business that she sold the ring (s) because you failed to giver her any money. She sold because they meant NOTHING to her.
> I gave my cheater every material thing she ever asked for and she still played me like a fiddle.


Sorry to hear that yes I was the fiddle she was the bow its broken now fiddle wont play no more :lol:


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

I love New Zealand. I couldn't imagine a better place to raise a kid. 

Having said that, do not move out of your house. Stay there. There is no reason you should have to leave a place you love just because your spouse is a jerk. 

Ask your solicitor if there is a way to barr the OM from having contact with your daughter. There has to be a way, during this two year waiting period, that you can get some sort of injunction that orders him to stay away from her.


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## ColinC (Jul 23, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Actions. Actions. Actions. The selling of the ring represents how little it meant to her.
> 
> However in the land of cheaters, lies are spun up, and lies ontop of lies ontop of lies, lies even to yourself to keep it all going. So in the end you do a bunch of stupid crap. Some just accept they are lyers to the bone. Others are stuck in it until they finish their cycle. It takes years to finish a cycle.


:iagree:Yes and I guess once you now that never believe a word they say especially nice words.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

And by the way, there is no way this relationship lasts for more than two years. She will have moved on or he will have dumped her long before your D goes through, so do not lose too much sleep. 

Do what you can now, to make sure you protect your daughter now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Some here on TAM do find their way to working things out after D with their XWS, especially if kids are involved.
> 
> It is a death. The person you thought you knew is dead. Takes time to grieve this.
> 
> ...


For some reason my wife was berating me on the day she told me her affair was over. I'd held it together for months, but at that point, I just freaked out, I could take no more.

She stared at me and I then knew that only at that point did she realise what she'd put me through, what she'd done to me.

Weird.


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## ColinC (Jul 23, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Some here on TAM do find their way to working things out after D with their XWS, especially if kids are involved.
> 
> It is a death. The person you thought you knew is dead. Takes time to grieve this.
> 
> ...


Yes I do see that but as I put on the reply to Acabado I caught them in early stages of the affair if it never worked out she would still have a home to come to if it did work out I think I would have been set up big time They obviously talked about it and are in the situation were they have to move ahead so it must seem exiting for them all these new things but do they really know each other in there minds probably think it is fate the real people behind the covers still need to come out. My daughter just told me her mother has got exiting news for her but not for me so in a couple of days I will now for sure but my intuition or possibly Godly intervention has been spot on so far so I think I am on the right track, as far has hostility is concerned she will keep calm because she thinks I can have her deported as I told her she was in breach of immigration status me being the sponsor (it is not actually the case) but I know that she be reluctant to contact the immigration to find out is case it is true.


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## ColinC (Jul 23, 2013)

southernsurf said:


> I am a firm believer that people do make mistakes and at times deserve a second chance; however some mistakes in a M are irreversible. If it was a drunken ONS, sometimes you can work that out. But a deliberate planned and conscious long term hidden affair can not be fixed and is irreversible, the damage is too great. She had multiple opportunities to think about what she was doing and stop but chose not to. Why drag out the inevitable. You have no reason to be friends with her now. She is not your friend, move on and don’t look back.


:iagree:


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You don't see her much. And now that she is gambling her life on this new relationship, you are the one who will decided if there will ever be reconciliation. The terms will be yours, but that is something that may or may not happen. She needs to beg on her knees with remorse shining in her eyes to even deserve to even make discussion possible.

You get to start a new chapter of your life. Maybe the start was shocking but ending may be good.


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## ColinC (Jul 23, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> You don't see her much. And now that she is gambling her life on this new relationship, you are the one who will decided if there will ever be reconciliation. The terms will be yours, but that is something that may or may not happen. She needs to beg on her knees with remorse shining in her eyes to even deserve to even make discussion possible.
> 
> You get to start a new chapter of your life. Maybe the start was shocking but ending may be good.


:iagree:


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

ColinC said:


> Not any more we love our wales and marine live


Sorry about the off-topic. When did they stop doing it? I recall a news article a few years back about it with a quite brutal video.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Under the circumstances of her status (not knowing the law, etc) I would go as dark as possible. WOuld not share things with your daughter, try to keep things light and positive with her. The less you share with your wife and the less information she gets about you the more she will worry about her future. My angle on your situation is to make her life as miserable as possible in a passive way. By not sharing your thoughts, feelings, worries, etc with her or with those that could or will convey this information to your wife, will (IMO) heap pressure on her. I do believe she has no clue what her future holds. SHe may be saying that this new dude and her have a future but deep down or maybe not even deep down she may feel that this new relationship is doomed. My wife after d-day in early February till about early May, when she finally saw the error of her way, was scrambling, trying to get money from "friends", family etc. She was going out on dates with OM trying to get set up, because she knew her live was about to turn sucky big time. My wife knew she had no future with the XOM. He told my wife he had no plans on leaving his family. My wife became more and more cut off as more of her family cut her off and slowly her "friends" did as well. One OM that she wanted to start a relationship with but never met, started to call her a nut. My strategy was to simply show her "friends" and family what a dirt bag she was. My friends and family and even some in my wife's family came to my rescue. They believed me and knew my wife was lying. The end result. We are in R. But my wife lost all her friends, ever one of them. They want nothing to do with her. She had convinced them that I was just a rotten, mean, abusive, SOB and when they found out she lied about me, they have all abandoned her. Her two older brothers will not speak to her at all, even after her pleas and apologies. Her older sister will not speak to her. Our youngest son (whoshe was very close), barely speaks to her. We had him over on Saturday and he barely spoke to her. 

Your situation (like everyone elses) is different then mine, but the best thing that worked for me was having very little communication with my wife. I found out that things I was sharing with her family got right back to her and I finally had to watch what I said. I went out a few times with friends after work and pretended to have a great time. My wife told me later that this was drivng her nuts, that I was having a good time. In reality I wasn't, but I put on a good front and even to this day I have not shared that with my wife. 

I do believe your wife is in the "oops I got caught stage". But keep this in mind, she had no plans. Now she is scrambling. My wife could not get the support, financially or other wise that she needed after her "oops I got caught", moment. Maybe your wife will, maybe she won't, but I would keep her in the dark.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Suspecting said:


> Sorry about the off-topic. When did they stop doing it? I recall a news article a few years back about it with a quite brutal video.


I believe you are talking about the pilot whale hunt that occurs every year in my home country the Faroe Islands. It's called the _grindadrap_ and it is still practiced there, unfortunately.


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## ColinC (Jul 23, 2013)

I went a bit of the rails tonight I don,t now if I should of done this but I could not control myself. wife sends a message to my daughters friend to get her to call her mother 
(no calling credit on phone) My daughter speaks to her mother who then wants to speak to me first time since D,Day She tells me to please take my daughter to the doctor for her flue and if I can just do that for her .I replied that I will take her to the doctor but for my daughters sake not for her. I then accused her of something to see what her reaction was. I have read so much on this forum about serial cheaters it started me wondering if I have actually been married to one as she was so careless to the whole incident had she got away with it before? and from the last experience I now that she would not admit it
So I said to her by the way one of your old friends tells me this is not the first time that you have done this (she replied what friend) & I said that it does not really matter as I would tend to believe her friend more than I would believe her (she started flying off her handle saying while I heard things about you & your no angel and that I must stop the rumors that I can not work because of her I that I should have found a steady job 2 months ago before this happened. I replied that she has never had to struggle I have always been a provider and it was e relevant if I was working or not so long as the bills were being paid and when was the last time that she ever worked she has not worked in years. Now a lot of things were said but at no point was there a denial of my allegation this made me more annoyed, I said to her lets face it your a low down f***ing Skank and I hung up phone. 

I saw a women on TV tonight who was selling of her signed Beatles covers which she got signed by them in 1964 when they were in Melbourne Australia her father had arranged it for her as he was head of the security on the tour, It meant the world to her ,1. she got to meet them face to face 2. her loving father had arranged it, she now had to auction them off when they asked why she said her Husband He had been ill for over 10 years she said for better or worse I am his wife he is my husband & that,s what you do. 
It brought a tear to my eye that was real love. 
Before I met my wife I went out with a girl for seven years she often made me jealous as she was a flirt and also a cheat never got married has 2 kids and has had more pricks than a pincushion I got over her as I met my wife she was so different I never got Jealous as I trusted her 
(how wrong could I have been) 
now I cant see my self living as a single man I am independent but I like to have a partner to do things with also when your friends are couples the generally do not like to mix with single people. I wonder how I will trust again or do you just have to be brave (nothing ventured nothing gained) 
probably a cheaters motto


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Colin

You will find someone new in time.
Focus on you and your kid right now.

Get this business over with.

If you can get a consultation with a solicitor I would recommend that.

I find it hard to believe that if your wife is shacked up with the OM that you would be forced to wait two years for a divorce.

Go dark on your wife. Ignore her.

Focus on your future. That is where your happiness lies.

And if it was me I would report her to the immigration authorities. Just to give her something else to make her miserable but that is your call.

HM64


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

fwiw, my BIL has never been married and he's perfectly happy just meeting girls and dating them. And he's ugly as hell, smokes like a chimney, and lives in a hovel of a house. Go figure.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

turnera said:


> fwiw, my BIL has never been married and he's perfectly happy just meeting girls and dating them. And he's ugly as hell, smokes like a chimney, and lives in a hovel of a house. Go figure.


He's a good actor. He is not as happy as you think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, he is. He has no use for women except to look pretty. He's a jetsetter, races boats and hobnobs with the rich. Likes it that way.


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## ColinC (Jul 23, 2013)

It is true separation for two years can be back dated & apparently a lot of people lie the process of divorce can been done before actual divorce takes place ie: legally separated alimony - maintenance - division of property -child custody all through court orders - the legalities are the same as being married the divorce can be prearranged to go through automatically after 2 years.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

I like the fact that you told your WW off. Don't feel bad about it. She deserved it. Now just rise above it and don't go there again. It's not worth the stress and high blood pressure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

ColinC said:


> I went a bit of the rails tonight I don,t now if I should of done this but I could not control myself.


Totally understandable. 

To the extent you can though, distance yourself emotionally. She became a pod person. All we can know is not to trust them. 

You have to just do the best you can for yourself and try to stay emotionally centered. Because we make mistakes, especially in anger. You have kept your head, and don't seem vindictive so congratulations there.

You are on the right track. Sorry. They can look you straight in the eye and lie like the wind. No conscience.


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