# Age Is Just A Number?



## Cordann (Jul 25, 2010)

Hi all, I'm new here and am very interested in getting feedback from a certain group of women on these forums. 

I'd like feedback from women who have married/dated a man 16 years older than them and am very curious about your thoughts on the following:

*How happy are you with this man?
*Did you start out thinking the age issue was an obstacle?
*Did your families react negatively and did that change to positive later?
*Advice on maybe how to help her be comfortable with the age difference?
*Were the reactions to strangers so rude and mean as to effect the relationship? 
*Were you cognizant of the difference in public with the man? 

And anything else you might think would be helpful and positive. 

A little about the situation and why I ask:

I met this certain girl 4 months ago. I was attracted to her immediately, from the moment I saw her I knew she was something very special. She's everything I find attractive about a woman. She's the shyest woman I've ever known and I find it endearing, she and I have the same taste in music and we talk about this a lot and even have games where we test each other with guessing songs and who it's by when it comes on the radio. We're both sports fans, we root for the same football team. I literally have more in common with her than any other woman I've ever known, we seem to have the same opinions on all the things important to us and yet we also have the opposite attract thing going on to, it's a great dynamic IMHO. When I first saw her, I didn't think she was as young as she is... she's very mature. We just seem to click though and so it didn't matter, when we first met she didn't know I was the age I am, I look much younger than I really am(thankfully.) I stay stylish and up to date with fashion, listen to the same music she does and generally just be me, and I like being current and in the know about the modern day culture around me. It is never about getting younger women and I was never intentionally attracted to her because of our age difference... it just happened. 

Needless to say, she is a gem... I've never met a better woman, or had more in common with a woman than I do with her... I could see an absolute beautiful, wonderful life with her. None of the negatives my friends see matters to me (children at older age, family negativity, etc) all that matters to me is being happy with the kindest, most generous, most beautiful woman I've ever known. And to top it all off she has the most gorgeous blue eyes I've ever had the pleasure to look into... 

Your help and experience in this matter is greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I've never been in the situation, so I can't give you much practical advice. What I can say, though, is that I don't know that you'll really find the answers you seek here. 

Every person is different. Every family is different. How a person or family will react to a situation depends on their background, their values, etc. My aunt is married to a man who is 13 years older than her. He makes her happy, so it's never been an issue. But I had a friend who married a guy 10 years older than her, and her family rarely spoke to her after that, because they didn't approve. 

These are things you should talk to her about. I would start with talking to her about the age difference and how she feels about it. If you haven't already told her how old you are, I would be prepared that she may be upset with you for having kept that from her. But regardless, first you need to find out what she thinks of the age difference. If it's a problem for her, and she can't get past it, then none of the rest matters. If it's not a problem for her, then move on to other stuff. If she doesn't care about your age, but is a little uncomfortable, that's something that you'll just have to give her time to get over. She'll know best how her family is likely to react and how best to handle them. 

As for strangers and out in public, if the relationship is so fragile that a stranger's opinion can affect it, then it's not a worthwhile relationship to begin with. Friends are a different story, but if her friends are good friends, they will support her even if they aren't necessarily in agreement with her choice. 

Bottom line is you need to be talking to her.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

The way you described your relationship with this woman is almost exactly how I describe my relationship with my husband. 

I do not fit into the pool of people you're looking for however. I am 12 years older than my husband. I am still going to offer my opinion though. I know, lucky you...lol.

I think the world is much more receptive to the man being older. My dad was 18 years older than my step-mother. My father-in-law was 20-some years older than my mother-in-law. Both had long happy marriages until the men passed away.

There are many obsticles for those of us who are with someone younger. I've had many rude, nasty remarks made about me. I know from experience that the people who matter most, and who love you, may be suprised in the beginning, but are very supportive after it all sinks in.

Bottom line for me is, if you are lucky enough to find the right person, age shouldn't matter. Life throws everyone curveballs.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

When I was in my twenties I had a 6 year relationship with a man 16 years older than me. Not my current relationship but I feel i can answer your questions. 

The age thing never crossed my mind as an issue at the time. A few acquaintances were cruel (I got the 'never had you down as wanting a sugar daddy' comment a few times), my friends were happy as long as I was, and my family didn't like him but they only ever liked one guy I dated in my life (and he and I were completely incompatible). 

I agree with Atruckersgirl, you need to be talking openly with her. However don't create obstacles that aren't there. Its a conversation you need to have for both your sakes, to help your relationship grow in confidence. After its happened, move on and freely enjoy your growing relationship.

When I looked at the guy I was with I never saw a sign on his forehead that said '16 years older', I just saw someone who was great to be with, who I loved very much. Some of his friends treated me as someone who must be a bit thick due to my age but they soon found out that wasn't the case. His family weren't too keen on me but that never closed my heart to him. I think they thought I was a golddigger which was somewhat ironic as there was definitely no gold to be had!!! 

Our relationship hit a rough patch - I wanted a monogamous relationship, he didn't like that idea - and it ended badly. I sometimes think that had I been older and less immature I would have coped and we would still be together. I know if i'd been the age I am now I wouldn't have been upset by half as much as I was back then. 

I think its appropriate that you consider the children issue. I know many great older parents, I was in my thirties before I had my kids so myself I am one, and I do not think age is a barrier to parenting, quite the opposite. It is an issue you will want to know each other's views on if you establish a life partnership.

Good luck. She sounds lovely and you sound like you are kind, thoughtful and considerate. I wish you a happy life together.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Look at the answers you already received. Now here's another one.......

I briefly dated a guy 14 years older (do I qualify?) and it was awful. That is not because of the age difference. It is because he was an awful person. Otherwise, I had no problems whatever with any of your other concerns, including our families' blessing. After we broke up, a close friend referred to him as "that old man" but never said anything to me while he and I were dating. You have to know people talk and will form their own opinions.

My parents were 20 years apart - dad 45, mom 25 when they married and had four children. They spent 22 unhappy years together because mom was a pain in the butt and dad was abusive. Then they spent 33 very happy years separated. Yes, that means they never divorced, never got back together, and never quite fell out of love with each other either. Dad passed away in 2006 at 100 years old. I am currently 50 years.

Now do you see you will never find the answers you seek here? You need to ask her these questions. Only she can tell you because she is the one you are dating and every situation is different. I will say that if she is uncomfortable with the age difference, then you need to leave her alone. That will plague you and your relationship and wanting to be with her will not help you overcome it. It will make matters worse. As it is, I think you are asking these questions because you are insecure to some degree and not necessarily that she is. So any misgivings she might have about your age will compound the problem within yourself. If, otherwise, she has not and does not voice any concern, then drop the notion completely from your psyche, never bring it up again, and live happily ever after.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I know I'm not your target audience, but my parents had a 20 year age gap. My mom was working for my Dad - he owned a bar and she was a waitress. 

They had problems like everyone else, but their marriage lasted 25 years until my Mom died at 53.

Just as a kid it was a bit different. My dad wasn't as cool as some of the other dads. He was in his sixties when I was graduating high school and going to college, so he didn't have the energy that some of the other parents had. And I've had to deal with some of those "older parent" issues a lot sooner than most people my age.

But of course, I'm glad they got together - or else I wouldn't be here!


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## Cordann (Jul 25, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> I've never been in the situation, so I can't give you much practical advice. What I can say, though, is that I don't know that you'll really find the answers you seek here.
> 
> Every person is different. Every family is different. How a person or family will react to a situation depends on their background, their values, etc. My aunt is married to a man who is 13 years older than her. He makes her happy, so it's never been an issue. But I had a friend who married a guy 10 years older than her, and her family rarely spoke to her after that, because they didn't approve.
> 
> ...


I do of course talk to her about these things, she knows how old I am. I'm just trying to listen to feedback so she can understand it's only difficult if she allows it to be. 

Thank you for your input atruckersgirl, it is appreciated.


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## Cordann (Jul 25, 2010)

scarletblue said:


> The way you described your relationship with this woman is almost exactly how I describe my relationship with my husband.
> 
> I do not fit into the pool of people you're looking for however. I am 12 years older than my husband. I am still going to offer my opinion though. I know, lucky you...lol.
> 
> ...


Hi scarlettblue, I actually dated a woman 15 years older than me when I was in my twenties so I do know what its like from the other perspective, dated a woman 7 years older than me as well. I guess I'm just cosmopolitan and don't really care about age either. 

I understand that strangers will say stupid stuff, but honestly I don't really tell my age to strangers anyway... you can't tell there's an age difference between us so I guess... unless they know about the age difference that sorta solves itself... didn't think about that until now... as I typed it...

Agreed on the lucky part, she is a gift from heaven. But thank you for your input, I do appreciate it.


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## Cordann (Jul 25, 2010)

As I read the replies and hear that I should be talking to her, please know that I do. We still have fun, enjoy each other's company and truly respect each other. I will of course talk more to her about it, deal with any issues and continue on... she's a wonderful woman and I know once she gets used to it... it won't bother her. 

I personally know that all I have to do is stay in shape, and the issue of being an older dad won't be such a big issue. But, if it is, it is. My dad was 41 when I was born, my mom was 31... so I know the older parent thing is something I can deal with, it wasn't a big deal to me because my parents were wonderful to me no matter how old they were as I was growing up, I plan to be the same. 

I guess I am just looking for cultural opinion. I know in Europe, they don't even give age a second thought... it just seems like its such a big deal in America no matter how progressive we want to think we are. 

Many of you are right though, she does just need time to get used to it.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Let me clarify, I didn't mean to imply that you weren't talking to her. In rereading what I wrote, I realize I implied that, and I apologize for that. All I meant to say was that she's the only one who can really answer those questions. She knows what she's comfortable with, she knows her family and how they will/might react. No one else can tell you that. 

Also, in reading your replies to our responses, one thing I want to say is that if you make a big deal of it, she will then make a big deal of it. If you act like it's nothing, that will ease her mind and help her to come to realize it's nothing, if in fact she can do so. It may be something she'll never be able to be comfortable with. That does happen sometimes. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe you're overthinking things a bit. Don't worry so much about other people's feelings and reactions, just enjoy what you two have and see where it goes. Age can be a problem, but I think largely that's only when the two people involved don't really have anything in common, so age becomes more pronounced as they think that that's why they have nothing in common.


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