# So depressed i cant even think straight



## raka (Jul 16, 2012)

Been in my current relationship for 5 years and the past month i really opened my eyes to what has been going on. 

My boyfriend/father of my child, has been putting me down for years in little ways. Its been building on me and i never even realized before. He will blame me for things he doesnt know who caused it even though i telll him straight up i didnt do it he wont believe me or he'll say whatever. He constantly calls me dumb/stupid/retarded/unobservant. I do sillythings like make silly dances in front of him or say how i feel, or simply trip over a toy or run my cart into something at the grocery store. Which i know im clumsy and unobservant its not like i like tripping, falling and running into things. but i feel he shouldnt rub it in and hold it against me 


him "you picked up anti dandruff sampoo, your so unobservant"
me "me sorry i didnt realize i just thought it smelt good"
him "now my head burns every time i use it"
me "sorry :/"

when i was talking on the phone with my mother and rushing to get ready for work i broke a cup and he's brought it up three times now about how i dont observe my surroundings just from that instance.

This usually happens atleast once or more times a day. I feel like i have to watch what i say what what i do because im constantly judged by him. 

Today i finally hit a state of so much depression i brought up the topic

me "id really appreciate if you stop calling me dumb and stuff"
him "when do i call you dumb"
me"like all the time, just a bit ago you where putting me down about how clumsy i am"
him"your unobservant, if i let you know when you are its something you can change"
me"i dont think i can change clumsy, i dont like how it makes me feel when you say that kind of stuff to me"
him "well im sorry it makes you feel that way"
after that i left the room and he said oh dont get all upset on me now. i just told him he needed sleep because he works tomorrow. really i felt he was pinning everything back on me.

Why should he be sorry that i feel this way because of what he's said. I felt like he should have apologized for saying these things and agreed to try not to put me down anymore which he never said in any part of that that he would stop. I feel hurt now like its my fault for feeling bad. when really i know i shouldnt feel bad. I should be loved, if anything he should call me silly for dancing funny, laugh when i run into something, gasp when i break a dish not rub it all in my face. 

I also feel trapped he doesnt like when i hang out with my friends because it cuts out my time with him but i hate spending time with him because i feel like i cant be myself. In the 5 years we've been together the longest ive been able to hold contact with a friend was a month and this is also all virtual contact too. 

I want to move back with my family but i have a daughter with him and my family lives out of state. i think it would be kidnapping? I dont want her to grow up like this though, thinking his behavior is what a relationship is like. it seems unhealthy and unloving to me. Im afraid of going to court because i live with him and cant afford a child sitter if he was to leave and i had to stay until i got custody. 

i have no friends in this area since i moved down here for him, no family either. my family is also poor so they cant really help with anthing but housing me while i get on my feet out there.


----------



## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

To me, it doesn't sound That bad. I would say counseling to work on your communication with each other. I know how you feel though because I've been in your spot before. It's like you want someone mire easygoing, to laugh about your "clumbsiness" rather than criticize. To find you cute and charming, instead of pointing out how flawed you are. It would be a more fun, light hearted relationship. However, it doesn't sound Luke he's meaning to make you feel bad, but just wants you to be more careful. He does need to reign in the way he talks to you, as in watch how he talks to you. He needs to really understand that it is the difference between you being happy and staying with me, and not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Benevolence (Oct 8, 2012)

Constant criticism can take a toll on anyone, who knows he may be the cause of your clumsiness. How could you be yourself if he is waiting and watching for your next slip up. 

I agree with the animal, it may be time to head to counseling. This is something that cannot be ignored, it will only get worse.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

raka said:


> Been in my current relationship for 5 years and the past month i really opened my eyes to what has been going on.
> 
> My boyfriend/father of my child, has been putting me down for years in little ways. Its been building on me and i never even realized before. He will blame me for things he doesnt know who caused it even though i telll him straight up i didnt do it he wont believe me or he'll say whatever. He constantly calls me dumb/stupid/retarded/unobservant. I do sillythings like make silly dances in front of him or say how i feel, or simply trip over a toy or run my cart into something at the grocery store. Which i know im clumsy and unobservant its not like i like tripping, falling and running into things. but i feel he shouldnt rub it in and hold it against me
> 
> ...


I'm sorry that you're going through this, OP, and you might want to suggest to your BF that you go for relationship counseling. I agree that it isn't healthy for a child to grow up in an environment where there is constant discord.

Regarding moving to be near your parents, the laws are different from one country to another, but you might find that your BF doesn't necessarily get much say where you and your child live (even if his name is on the Birth Certificate) because you're not married. You need to check this out thoroughly, though, before making any plans to leave.


----------



## raka (Jul 16, 2012)

we are too poor for counseling :/ We've tried talking out most of out problems with him parents who used to be church guidance type counselors.

Another problem we have is i asked him to not look at live cam girls if he HAD to look at porn i'd rather it would just be plain video porn. Sometimes he'll ask me to turn on porn for him, im not sure if he just wants to hurt me or is trying to let me know he's horny? He said he wouldnt look at cam girl porn and low and behold a month ago i come out and he DELIBERATELY opens it up and says "damn she went offline" when i asked him why he was rubbing it in my face he said he wasnt but that he didnt want to hide that from me. He says sometimes he gets the urge to watch that type of porn.

A few months back we had a huge debate over him saying he would cheat on me one day, not that he wanted to he says but he has this sexual urge since he has never had another partner. I flipped nuts, got crazy depressed and he was telling me that i shouldnt be acting the way i was, i shouldnt be sad and worried.
someone tells you they are going to break something special you have and you should be sad at all, nope.

When we first got together i had cheated on him several times in a week because i was young immature and didnt know how to handle myself or my emotions back then(we where also long distance). I gave him the option of staying with me, i did no begging or pleading just stated i was sorry and told him what i had done. i was about 16-17. he stll to this day says that he gets a free card because i did it back then do now in the future he gets to do it. If that was his thinking from the get go i wouldnt start a relationship like that. I understand i hurt him but playing the game of getting even, hurting others back, instead of forgiveness just doesnt make a good relationship.

i have worked 4 years of this relationship alone, being the sole provider for our family while he either sat at home playing video games or did his online schooling for 2 years. I told him that online schooling wasnt a good choice for our situation when he was first looking into it because we where barely getting by. he still joined into it instead of looking for work and now he's unsure if he wants to pursue a career in that field.... now he has to pay off 20k in debt for something he doesnt want to do anymore. I told him from the day he started i was not touching that debt that when he finished he had to pay it or i would leave him. I was so tired of paying for everything, caring for everything. 

I do game myself, and i understand gaming in moderation for fun or social interaction but when you're so hooked into a game that half your day you sit on the computer, it leaves no time for the family. 

He's got a job now he waited till the last month to start looking. He also adopted 3 cats before he got a job and i told him be barely get by each month we dont need 3 cats maybe 1 not 3. he stubbornly said that if i didnt agree to 3 he would take all 5. I told him he had to care for all of them, and get a job within that month to pay for them and he agreed. took him 3 months to get the job he said he would get in a month so i had to pay for the cats. they tore up our couch, costed up bank in worming, fleaing, food costs. I have to fill up their water bowl and food because he constantly forgets. 

I feel like in decisions, if he wants something he has to get it or A he gets rude, mean, pissy or B gets it despite of what i think about it. there is no compromise. and if i dont agree im dumb/stupid/retarded/overacting. 

Another point was when i was at the grocery store after i had just got off work he made me go despite me telling him my feet hurt, i was irritable and asked if we could do it tomorrow. He got hissy so i just went with him. while at the store our daughter was sleepy and she was ready for a nap and she gets to the point where she gets moody and cries alot. well he wanted to do alot of shopping and was making me deal with our daughter who also didnt want to be there. while leaving the store she broke in a burst of crying then stopped. he said to me "your lucky she stopped on her own or i was going ot leave you here"

she started up again and i informed her she needed to stop and that she was acting bad even though i feel like she should have been told anything because its not her fault she's being drug around the store. He then goes on to tell me that i was punishing her wrong that i was calling her a bad kid and now she would think she's a bad kid. I told him that i said she was acting bad. not that shes a bad kid. he went on for several nights about this but i stood my ground and told him that his way of punishment isnt always the right way nor is mine. but that he needed to accept that i had a view on raising our child. he pretty much just brushed it off and let it go. leaving me feel bad for standing up for myself.

everyday is frustrating, he doesnt listen and thinks of himself over family.


----------



## Benevolence (Oct 8, 2012)

Well now that you added more to the story I think its time for him to either grow up or get out!



raka said:


> we are too poor for counseling :/ We've tried talking out most of out problems with him parents who used to be church guidance type counselors.
> 
> Another problem we have is i asked him to not look at live cam girls if he HAD to look at porn i'd rather it would just be plain video porn. Sometimes he'll ask me to turn on porn for him, im not sure if he just wants to hurt me or is trying to let me know he's horny? He said he wouldnt look at cam girl porn and low and behold a month ago i come out and he DELIBERATELY opens it up and says "damn she went offline" when i asked him why he was rubbing it in my face he said he wasnt but that he didnt want to hide that from me. He says sometimes he gets the urge to watch that type of porn.
> 
> ...


----------



## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

I agree with benevolence
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## raka (Jul 16, 2012)

He's 24, i dont know how to make him open his eyes. I've tried so many times to tell him how i feel but it ALWAYS end in your dumb/stupid or if i get to the point of crying he'll say sorry. I have to be that hurt that he'll say just sorry and not counter everything i say back and even after i stop crying and he's calmed me down he'll try and pick out points of why i shouldnt be sad and such. 

a while back i stated how i felt lonely and i needed social interaction he told me i could just leave our daughter here and go back.

Somedays he will make me feel completely unloved then others he'll act lovey dovey and understanding only for me to give him sex. once he gets it he flips back to being judgmental. If i dont put out then he's just plain our mean.


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

raka said:


> Been in my current relationship for 5 years and the past month i really opened my eyes to what has been going on.
> 
> My boyfriend/father of my child, has been putting me down for years in little ways. Its been building on me and i never even realized before. He will blame me for things he doesnt know who caused it even though i telll him straight up i didnt do it he wont believe me or he'll say whatever. He constantly calls me dumb/stupid/retarded/unobservant. I do sillythings like make silly dances in front of him or say how i feel, or simply trip over a toy or run my cart into something at the grocery store. Which i know im clumsy and unobservant its not like i like tripping, falling and running into things. but i feel he shouldnt rub it in and hold it against me
> 
> ...


Guys like to fix things. Has he actually called you a moron or anything? Cuz really, it sounds to me like maybe you are a little less observant than you should be and him pointing it out may be a way of him trying to fix it. 

I'm clumsy too. I'm ADHD. You have to force yourself to be more observant. 

Really, from what you've said, it doesn't sound like he's being insulting and really he may not owe you an apology. 

Sounds like you have an idea of what you want your partner in life to be and he might not be it. Maybe you should find someone who will never tell you you do anything wrong, or at least will be a lot more gentle about the way he tells you.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> Another problem we have is i asked him to not look at live cam girls if he HAD to look at porn i'd rather it would just be plain video porn... _He said he wouldnt look at cam girl porn and low and behold a month ago i come out and he DELIBERATELY opens it up and says "damn she went offline" ..._...
> 
> _A few months back we had a huge debate over him saying he would cheat on me one day, not that he wanted to he says but he has this sexual urge since he has never had another partner._


Your BF sounds immature, irresponsible and abusive. The longer you're with him, the worse you're going to feel about yourself. Also, this doesn't sound the ideal environment in which to raise a child.

You have some big decisions to make, OP. It won't be easy, but neither will living under the same roof as someone who disrespects you and your feelings to such an extent.


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

raka said:


> we are too poor for counseling :/ We've tried talking out most of out problems with him parents who used to be church guidance type counselors.
> 
> Another problem we have is i asked him to not look at live cam girls if he HAD to look at porn i'd rather it would just be plain video porn. Sometimes he'll ask me to turn on porn for him, im not sure if he just wants to hurt me or is trying to let me know he's horny? He said he wouldnt look at cam girl porn and low and behold a month ago i come out and he DELIBERATELY opens it up and says "damn she went offline" when i asked him why he was rubbing it in my face he said he wasnt but that he didnt want to hide that from me. He says sometimes he gets the urge to watch that type of porn.
> 
> ...


Oh wow...yeah, you better seriously consider leaving...


----------



## raka (Jul 16, 2012)

I feel so bad because i want it to work, i have put so much into this relationship just to feel like crap everyday. I dont feel special to him at all. Im sure he has some sort of love in his heart for me but he's got one sick and twisted way of showing it. 

I would have to leave everything i own behind, i would have no place to store it. so once i leave its completely over. It hurts to think about it but to think about having the rest of my life put down and not respected day to day, the pros and cons...i should really make a list.

should i perhalps just stay here for a year or two and wait for everything to settle down after the break?

Im also afraid i'll fall for it again like i do every time. The sweet act, the i'll do anything for you. then after i give him what he wants he shows his true self.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

OP,
Your boyfriend is a selfish control freak who needs to constantly berate you and put you down in order to feel good about himself.

The porn and the live cams are an extension of his abusive ways.
He does not love nor respect you. He knows that you may have a problem with your self esteem, and he knows that you love him.
He is manipulating you.

Its time to start loving yourself and think about an exit strategy.
Your life will be better off without him , no matter how difficult that first move is.


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> OP,
> Your boyfriend is a selfish control freak who needs to constantly berate you and put you down in order to feel good about himself.
> 
> The porn and the live cams are an extension of his abusive ways.
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## raka (Jul 16, 2012)

Thats exactly what my best friend says, when she messaged me saying he was controlling me he some how read the message then told me he didnt want me talking about our relationship problems with her because i make him sound bad and i dont tell my side of the story and so on. 

I stopped talking to her for a year or so and went on hurting every day knowing i had no one to talk to, no friends, no one to explain how i felt. I couldnt tell him because everytime its the same thing, "dont be dumb".

My best friend knows everything about me and i have no problem admitting to her the things i feel i had done wrong. I guess he just doesnt see what he's doing is wrong. 

I want to give him the chance to open his eyes but i feel like i would only be trying to change him. which everyone knows how changing a person goes :/ But being the father of my child its hard to not give him a chance. 

Im also worried about what will happen when i move, he's had sad bouts where he was going to kill himself by running his car off the road and such. Our daughter is his world, he has said before that if i ever tried to take her he would kill me. Not sure if it was a joke or an open threat. 

I feel like i need time alone to breath and look into my own life not being smothered by him. it feels so hard, I've never gone without a guy since i started dating at 15. I clung on and went guy to guy. I really thought that i was done this is it i dont want to spring load and jump anymore. 

I remember when i first moved down i would cry alot because i felt so sad leaving everything i loved behind for one guy. he was really soft at first but after a while he turned and eventually when i would cry he would tell me to stop being a baby, that i needed to stop and so on. Now i feel when i cry i have to hide from him. usually i find myself lying in bed next to him sleeping silently crying thinking what did i do to deserve this? I feel trapped inside myself.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

raka said:


> I feel so bad because i want it to work, i have put so much into this relationship just to feel like crap everyday. I dont feel special to him at all. Im sure he has some sort of love in his heart for me but he's got one sick and twisted way of showing it.
> 
> I would have to leave everything i own behind, i would have no place to store it. so once i leave its completely over. It hurts to think about it but to think about having the rest of my life put down and not respected day to day, the pros and cons...i should really make a list.
> 
> ...


OP, the longer you're with him the lower your self-esteem will become and, in that mindset, leaving will become increasingly difficult.

You might be concerned about leaving your possessions behind, but in time they can be replaced. 

Some years ago I had to leave an abusive relationship and, apart from my dignity and self-respect, left with zilch. It was difficult, but I soon managed to get a nice home together again, and I now have a man in my life who is (more than) worthy of the love I have to offer...

Love yourself enough, OP, to go get the sort of life that you and your child deserve.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> Im also worried about what will happen when i move, he's had sad bouts where he was going to kill himself by running his car off the road and such. Our daughter is his world, he has said before that if i ever tried to take her he would kill me. Not sure if it was a joke or an open threat.


The ultimate form of control...

If I were in your shoes, OP, I'd pay a visit to your local Women's Centre and have them help you form a safe exit plan. Don't talk to him about leaving if you think it is unsafe to do so. You need to get some much needed support to help you make the right decision.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> OP,
> Your boyfriend is a selfish control freak who needs to constantly berate you and put you down in order to feel good about himself.
> 
> The porn and the live cams are an extension of his abusive ways.
> ...



Yes, this is exactly how it was living with my ex. Even his reasons: "if I never tell you, you'll never improve yourself". 

The verbal abuse escalated to physical abuse. 

Are you afraid of him? If you are, battered women's shelters will help you get on your feet.

If you are poor you can still contact United Way for counseling and all sorts of assistance in finding a home, furnishings, a job and child care.

Good Luck.


----------



## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

Caribbean Man said:


> OP,
> Your boyfriend is a selfish control freak who needs to constantly berate you and put you down in order to feel good about himself.
> 
> The porn and the live cams are an extension of his abusive ways.
> ...


:iagree:







:iagree:

Your daughter is a victim here as well. Take steps NOW.


----------



## raka (Jul 16, 2012)

I've been looking around on the internet for cheap housing and going to ask my job for a transfer for next year after tax returns.


----------



## raka (Jul 16, 2012)

Thought i'd list an update on today so i dont forget these types of things that happen when he masks it over by being nice for w little while again. 


I work thirft shift so i sleep during the day time. Recently i have been trying to sleep more since im only getting 4-5 hours of sleep and im losing allloot of blood do to extreme period problems. Well today i overslept. Today was halloween, my favorite day of the year and i had planned to take my daughter out trick or treating. 

I was woke up by him at 7:30ish (30 minutes before it ends) and he gets on me saying i thought you where going to take her out, i guess your not taking her this year and so on. I quickly try to get her ready and i ask him to help me so i could brush my hair and get cloths on myself. He declines. he gets on me again about over sleeping, i ask him why he didnt help and he said he wouldnt have known to put on the underclothes on her (it was 36 degrees out) I kept asking why he didnt wake me up earlier but just got more of how i overslept and such and how it was ending soon and how we wouldnt make it anywhere.

So we go out and get like three houses and get enough candy for a 3 year old, though i wish she could have experienced more. we agree on buying her a small bag of candy to fill up her bucket. after its over and he goes on all huffy puffy he admits that he wishes he hadnt lost track of time playing video games, that he could have done more. at this point after almost an hour of him blaming the whole thing on me i was furious. so i just ignored it. then he says we're going to the store. I tell him that my akles are peeled off from wearing bad shoes the day before and ask him to just drop me off at the house. 

We live like 1ish minute from the store(takes 13 minutes to walk i walk everyday to and from work and home for lunch as his request to save money even though i eat the same thing i would eat at work) anyways instead of dropping me off at the house he drops me off at the front of the complex for me to walk up the hill and for 5 minutes back to our apartment when its 36 degrees out, i have scabbed ankles, and carrying a child. Luckly when i got out of the car a fellow coworker who has her son babysat in the same apartments spotted me and gave me a ride up to my place. she agree it was rude and too cold to be walking around.

When he comes back he tries to be nice to me and i inform him that im angry at him and he asks why, i tell him that he left me on the corner instead of driving 30 seconds up to the house, he says oh its longer then 30 seconds. and i explained how its cold out, how i had scabbed ankles(third time i've said it), and had to carry our daughter(her dress ripped and was dragging on the ground). He says if he had known it would have bothered me so much he would have gave me a ride.

The point is that he never thought about me our daughter. left us to walk out in the cold instead of being a gentle man and dropping us off just BARELLLYYY our of his way. 


Every holiday is like this, i have to do everything to get everything ready. every holiday i have to buy everything. all gifts, all costumes, wrap everything. He insisted on getting a 7 1/2 foot tree(i told him he had to help me set it up and he agreed) he helped one year to fluff branches for 2 minutes then left me to do it alone, leaves me to set up and decorate every year. When i've asked him to wrap presents with me he took the present and did the candy tie up style wrap, then put tape all around it. I could tell he wasnt even trying because i've seen him wrap presents when i first came down and they looked nothing like that.

He made diner tonight and when i rejected playing a video game that he wanted to play he said you are pretty ungrateful for me cooking diner for you. i told him im not even going to eat his diner, then he said if i didnt tonight i would eat the leftovers tomorrow. He ended up stuffing his face in spagetti and came int o the room and offered me some. I declined again.

We had a huge discussion tonight about "how i've been acting". This past week i've played more games and i've chatted more with my friends then i have in YEARS. When he told me on day 3 that he didnt want me to talk to them anymore it made me feel like i wanted to talk to them more for i feared that i'll be like last time he did this, not talk to them for years. I dont want to let go of every friend in my life, to be at home with him being put down everyday.

So i've been reclusive and withdrawing from him and i got to say this week has been amazing, i feel so much more social interaction. He let me be for the week and let me play games. I can tell at this point e's making his flip. like all else before this week didnt matter. Its all my fault that i dont want to spend time with him because now he's this great guy?

So we get into discussion and i bring up every point here, the porn, the holidays, putting down my opinions, not owrking for 4 years. A few things he said he would change but when the porn topic came up he said he wasnt going to chnage and that i "didnt have a valid reason for why he cant watch it" I said i dont like the way it makes me feel compared to fake actor based porn. So he's not changing this. He said he would stop calling me stupid/dumb and so on but then says that he doesnt recall calling me it. goes on to say that he doesnt. he asked me to point out times in the past but i said i cant remember small things like that day to day .-.

Then when i try to explain something to him he says something of the sort like lacking the intelligence or knowledge. I pointed it out to him and said there it is, thats a different way of saying it but its saying the same thing. he flips on me saying thats not it and that he wants to call me stupid for thinking that way and so on.

After that i pretty much shut down again. I dont even want to hear anymore. He says that the things he's done in the past doesnt matter, i say they do mater because its the same way he's acting now and he doesnt agree. he says that if things in the past matter then he had alot more on me because i cheated. I as much as that was bad its not the way im still acting now, im not out sleeping with 10 other guys am i? He says he doesnt get why my stuff from the past mattered then.

He said if my attitude didnt change by the time he got back from his camping trip with his brother and dad he was going to look into moving to another state. Oh and when he scheduled this camping trip he doesn ask me at all, yet tells me that "I" have to find a sitter for my daughter or im going to miss work because he's going. i said why dont "YOU" find a sitter since you are the one planning all this out. I dont mind if he goes on a trip, if i went somewhere and he had to work i would find the sitter myself not dump it on him saying if he didnt find one he has to miss work.

Though he did pull that back today and asked someone. though the person he asked has 2 children who i do not care to watch and she likes to trade babysitting days. So i'll wind up having to watch the two kids. i am not a fan of large households(grew up in a family of 6 brothers and sisters) Anything more then two is too much for me and there being 3 kids is just hectic. One being barely over a year old so she requires full attention, the little boy had at one point slammed my daughters finger in a door and closed her in while she was screaming in pain. the skin off her finger was hanging off. my boyfriend told her we would prefer if we could just pay her though. Im hoping i dont get set up for doom here again. 

He says the things that make me feel uncomfortable (like having cats when the rules of the apartments say no) shouldnt make me feel comfortable and i was being unreasonable. I want to feel secure in my home. he just reassures me that the manager wont mind because veryne else breaks the rules too and so on. Im one of those people who does everything by the book, i hate being in the situation where conflict like that happens so i dont put myself in it. 

He doesnt mind that stuff, he's more of a rules breaker is should say, wont buckle up in the car, when i would say buckle up he would tell me i had to ask nicer and say please. I wouldnt say it rude i would just point out he had to buckle up, because guess who gets to pay for the tickets he gets? -_- i dont like when hours of my work time is wasted because he didnt want to snap his seatbelt in. He always does stuff like this. 

Life story in one post, sorry i just have to vent tonight -_-


----------

