# How often should grandparents see grandkids?



## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

My husband and I have a 4 month old son. When I was pregnant, my mom took a couple weeks off from work near my due date so that she could help me with him after I took him home from the hospital. My husband works 12-14 hours a day, Monday through Friday so he isn't able to help much. When he gets home from work, he barely has enough time to shower, eat and go to bed. However, I quit my job when I was about 8 months along and I figured that since I wasn't working, I should be able to handle taking care of the baby without much help. I told my mom that I appreciated the offer but that I thought Id be able to handle it on my own. 

After being in labor for 30 hours, I ended up having to have a C section because my baby was lying face up which was making it difficult for me to fully dilate. On top of that, my epidural wasn't working so I had a very difficult delivery. I was very sore after the c section for several weeks and I was also breastfeeding which was extremely painful. He would wake up every 2-3 hours to feed and I was so sore, I couldn't even get out of bed on my own. It became pretty obvious that I wasn't going to be able to do it on my own and that I needed some help. My husband helped me for the first day or two but then he had to go back to work. So, I let my mom come over and she would change his diapers, bring him into the bedroom for me to feed him, things like that. This went on for several weeks.

Finally, I started to heal from my surgery and little by little, I was able to do more on my own. However, my son was still getting up every 2-3 hours to eat at night, so I was very sleep deprived. I have a history of having anxiety issues and I honestly felt like I was going to have a breakdown if I didn't start getting some decent sleep, so I started going over to my parents house during the week. I started sleeping over there so that my mom could help me get up with him at night. Then, on the weekends, my husband would be off from work so during that time I would go back to my house. 

Recently, my son has started sleeping through the night (about 5-7 hours at a time) so this past week Ive been staying at my own house instead of going to my parents. Ive felt much more rested and Ive also been taking better care of myself so I don't get so stressed out. I just haven't felt the need to go over to their house everyday anymore. But I'm afraid that since my parents have gotten into the habit of seeing him almost everyday that they expect it to be that way all the time. 

I invited my mom over Tuesday night to see him for a couple hours before his bedtime because she hadn't seen him in a few days. Now, today, my dad tells me that she has been wanting to see him and misses him. She just saw him less than 48 hours ago. I don't have a problem with them coming over to see him maybe once or twice a week but I just don't think It should be expected that they should get to see him everyday.

I told my mom from the beginning that once he starts sleeping better that I wont need to come over as often and wont need her help as much, so its not like she didn't know this was coming. Just wondering what you all think is a reasonable amount of time that a grandparent should be allowed to see their grandkid. And how do I go about setting boundaries with them without sounding rude?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

"Mom, I am so grateful for your help. I don't know what I would have done without you. With your help and support, I have been able to get stronger. I love you. You are the best mum in the world. I would like to be just like you. So, in the next few months, I will be spending time with the baby, so that we can create our bond. I want to be a great mum, which, I can only do if I am doing everything and learning from my mistakes."

Then, take the baby when you feel like taking him to see the grands. Maybe, once a week. I was not good at sharing my kids. Still have that problem. Do what you are comfortable with. If mum or dad complains, let them know you are trying to bond with your child. And thank them for their support. You are going need them for babysitting when the baby is older or more comes along. Remember you are the mum now, this is your baby. You set the rules and boundaries when it comes to your child.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

I don't think she will expect to see him everyday. He's pretty new and she got to see a lot of him at first, I think she just misses him and it will level off. If she just pops over for a bit, gets some snuggles and leaves, then I think it's no big deal. If she is staying forever, then maybe you should bring it up. I wouldn't get too upset about this just yet. She was there for you when you needed her, give her a chance to back off on her own, before causing any hurt feelings. I think it will resolve itself. You will appreciate an attentive grandma later. My kids had one grandmother that loved them to pieces and one who could care less...appreciate the loving one.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Id also like to add that this is their first grandchild. I have 3 grown brothers, two of them are in their 30s and the other is early 20s and all of them still live with my parents and have never been married or have any kids. So I think that's part of the reason they are so attached to my son.

My dad also suggested today that if I wanted to, maybe I could start working again a couple of days a week just to get out of the house a little more and that he and my mom could watch the baby for me. However, I think its more about the fact that they know if I was working that they would for sure get to see him while I was at work. I think its more about that than them really wanting me to "get out of the house". I personally don't really want to go back to work anytime soon. Hes only going to be a baby for a short amount of time and even if I was only working a couple days a week I think Id still feel like I was missing out on spending time with him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Does your mom make you anxious?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Enjoy your baby. What you can do is to pop in for a short visit a few times a week. Then, let them know you are trying to get the baby on a schedule and leave. That way, you gave them some time with their new grand baby. This way you control how much time you spend in their company. Also, it;s not such a bad idea to get out of the house bit. Go for a walk with the baby if you can and get some fresh air.

Now if your mum is controlling and telling you what to do Or you are not doing anything correctly. Then, you put a full stop to all visit. But if she is a nice mum (like me) then, give her some time with her first grand baby. Just you control how much time.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Thanks for the replies. I don't really have a problem with her stopping by maybe once or twice a week for a couple hours or if she wants to watch him if my husband and I decide to go to the movies one weekend or something like that. I just don't think the everyday thing is a realistic expectation. I mean there was a time when I needed her help almost everyday but that time is beginning to pass. Hes getting a little older, hes sleeping better, I'm fully recovered from my surgery. I just feel like this is OUR time now. I do appreciate her help because I honestly don't know how I would have done it without her especially in the beginning after my c section, and I don't want her to ever think that I don't. I think she just needs time to level off too. I guess I cant expect her to immediately get used to seeing him once or twice a week when shes used to seeing him almost everyday. Ill just give it some time and if she doesn't seem to be backing off any after a while, Ill bring it up. 

And I am thankful that they are so loving and caring toward him. The other set of grandparents don't get to see him much because they dont live near so my parents are really the main grandparents that he sees. My mother in law saw him for the first time about a month ago and I do think she loves the baby but she has a lot of personal issues, alcohol related. And my father In law has only seen the baby maybe a few times. Its just that my parents are kind of known for having issues with setting boundaries with their kids and they tend to be a little interfering so Ive always been a little cautious about this sort of thing.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

turnera said:


> Does your mom make you anxious?


I have anxiety in general but yes sometimes she does. Mainly just about the fact that I feel like my parents can be a little too involved and sometimes controlling. Ive always felt like they were that way with me growing up so I guess I have a fear that theyre going to be that way with my kids too.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's really hard for people your age to interact with your folks as equals. But it's what you're going to need to start doing. 'Mom, I love the visits, but they're making me a little anxious. Can we set up a schedule, so I'll be able to remain calm and collected during these first crazy months?'


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by that first sentence. What does the fact that I'm 25 have to do with anything? Sure, I'm young compared to them but I'm an adult with a husband and a baby. Are you trying to say that maybe they still view me as a child and that that's why they sometimes have trouble with respecting boundaries? Just trying to make sure I understand you correctly.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes, they will have trouble, especially since you say they tend to be overbearing. But it's also a 'thing' that people in their 20s have to go through, a kind of right of passage, so to speak. I remember being 30 and married 9 years, and still fearful my mom might learn about us having sex, lol. 

You don't just stop thinking like their child just because you're 20 or 25 or even 30. It's part of experiencing life, being on your own, making your own grownup decisions, building up a confidence level as an adult...so that when you DO see your parents, you start to see them as 'other adults' and not just the people who made most of your decisions for you for most of your life, who you have to defer to. It's kind of learning not to be scared to say no.

You wouldn't have trouble saying no to your friends, or a neighbor, or a store clerk, right? But your parents hold a special place in your life where it strikes a little fear in your heart to say no to them, or tell them if they're crossing a line.

It's just something that you have to start doing, in order to start feeling comfortable. My daughter's 25 and I've been pushing her for many years to make her own decisions and tell me no when she wants to. I don't want her feeling scared of saying no like I did.

Does that make more sense?


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

It does. Thanks for clarifying. The baby was making a lot of noise earlier so I was a little distracted. I do agree with you though. For the first 18 years of my life they made all my decisions for me and it was instilled in me that they knew what was best. I just need to start learning to not be afraid to set limits with them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good. And it comes with practice. Lots and lots of practice, lol.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

NWCooper said:


> I don't think she will expect to see him everyday. He's pretty new and she got to see a lot of him at first, I think she just misses him and it will level off. If she just pops over for a bit, gets some snuggles and leaves, then I think it's no big deal. If she is staying forever, then maybe you should bring it up. I wouldn't get too upset about this just yet. She was there for you when you needed her, give her a chance to back off on her own, before causing any hurt feelings. I think it will resolve itself. You will appreciate an attentive grandma later. My kids had one grandmother that loved them to pieces and one who could care less...appreciate the loving one.


This. She's a loving, doting grandma and your baby is her first grandchild. I'd give it a little more time - it's natural that she's very attached to him and missing him now that she's not seeing him as much. Keep visits frequent but short for now, and only speak up if it continues for too much longer - but be very gentle when you do.

You should take advantage of having such a devoted set of grandparents for your darling baby - you could arrange for them to perhaps watch him two mornings a week, so that you could have some time to yourself and get things done. They get time with their beloved grandson, and you get time to yourself - so many mum's would kill for that opportunity  No child care centre can match the love of a baby's grandparents.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

The answer is; as much as you think is good and can handle. It's easier now than it used to be since you can post every hiccup on facebook.


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