# Need a man's point of view (pregnancy related).



## MN_Mommy (Jun 16, 2011)

My husband and I are expecting our second child together (my first is from a previous relationship). With our son, I asked how he felt about having my mom or sister in the room with us. He did not like the idea, and said no. He feels like that is something only he and I should experience together. I was upset, but I let it go because this was his first baby, and I wanted it to be as special as he wanted it to be.

Well this time around, I really want my sister to be in the room. My husband was an AWESOME support person last time, so its nothing against him at all, but just to have someone that has been through it, and to share that with her would be awesome. Plus, he smokes, and I know having my sister there to step in while he takes his breaks (I was in labor for 17 hours last time), he will appreciate it. Someone there to take pictures etc etc.

So, I asked my husband about having her in there this time, and his response was "go have a baby with her then". I understand this is just as much his experience as mine, but I think I should at least have a say. He wont even leave it open to discussion.

My question is...Do I just drop it? Do I have the right to say I want my sister in there too? I am the one that is going through labor, and pushing the baby out, so you would think he would let me do whatever I wanted?

Be honest...I want to be fair. Obviously I am a bit biased, and I want to know what you guys think.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I have no clue what his problem is. It's not like he's the one spread eagle and naked in front of a crowd!

With our last it was a freaking crowd!


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

My mother in law was there for the birth of our first son. When my wife had to go in for an emergency caesarean, after a 32 hour labour, I lost it. I could not hold it together. I removed myself from the room and her mother was there for her. 

I will never forget that day. I will never forget how my wife's mother was throughout. I was humbled by this elderly lady who was there for BOTH of us. I would never stop her from being there for any of our future births.

My wife's sibling however, is not even welcome in my house. They are tolerated and no more. 

My advice to you is to drop it about your sister. She is not important to the health and wellbeing of you or your child. Your mother should be allowed in as she has been there, done that and bought the t-shirt, she will know better than any professional OR sibling or even the best and most well intentioned husband, what it takes to comfort you if things do not go as planned. Any man who would reject that kind of help for his wife is truly more concerned for himself than for her.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I'm kind of surprised actually.

I think men have been kind of strong-armed to being with their wives during labor and delivery. I have mixed emotions about the whole thing. It is totally awesome to see your kid's first moments of life. . .it is an experience you never forget.

That being said - giving birth in cultures used to be an entire female dominated experience. . .with midwives and mothers and sisters going into "tee-pees" and giving birth while teh men cloistered outside.

I don't know. . .I am surprised your husband is being such a busy-body about this.


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## MN_Mommy (Jun 16, 2011)

I posted this on my birth board and showed my husband what everyone said, and his first response was "yeah a bunch of hormonal *****es are of course going to take your side". So I thought about it, and like I said, I want to be fair...so that is why I decided to get a mans opinion on the subject as well. 
I asked him again tonight, and it pretty much lead us right into a fight. The only reason he has given me, is that he thinks its something a man and wife should only share. I understand that, but its a bit old fashioned. I just feel like I should at least have a say in it. I asked him to consider it, and his response was "what is there to consider?".


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

MN_Mommy said:


> My husband and I are expecting our second child together (my first is from a previous relationship). With our son, I asked how he felt about having my mom or sister in the room with us. He did not like the idea, and said no. He feels like that is something only he and I should experience together. I was upset, but I let it go because this was his first baby, and I wanted it to be as special as he wanted it to be.
> 
> Well this time around, I really want my sister to be in the room. My husband was an AWESOME support person last time, so its nothing against him at all, but just to have someone that has been through it, and to share that with her would be awesome. Plus, he smokes, and I know having my sister there to step in while he takes his breaks (I was in labor for 17 hours last time), he will appreciate it. Someone there to take pictures etc etc.
> 
> ...


To be honest with you I think you are being very selfish. I also think the damage is already done with your H and you have a lot of recovery work to do.


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

Hmmm... Have to agree with AFEH. How would you like it if H said he wanted his brother or best friend in there? I mean, its just as much his experience as yours. Shouldn't he have the right to bring somebody in?

Your not getting it. Yes it just as much both of your experience. That's it. Nobody elses. So unless you both agree that somebody else should be there then you're out of line. Why is it such a big deal for u to have her there? So you can have that female connection going on or something? This is one of the proudest moments of a man's life. His bride is bearing the friut of their love and eternal bond. Don't give him the impression that you would rather share this experience with someone else than him. You've now cut his nuts off. I'd be pretty upset myself. More than that I'd be starting to question why you're not seeing this as the intimate family event that I was seeing. Red flag even...

But I will say this... Whatever way you decide to go on this, its one of those situations that could leave one of you with resentment for a LONG time. make sure you can both live with the decision and after the baby is born the argument should really NEVER be brought up again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

Oh! And don't ever tell your sister "my H didn't want u there." That would be one of the most disrespectful things you could do and would also cause major issues down the road. I say just drop the whole thing and if ur sister or mom asks the answer is "WE have decided to do it alone." Your are a team. Teammates don't throw eachother under the bus. Good luck and congratulations!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

broken1 said:


> Hmmm... Have to agree with AFEH. How would you like it if H said he wanted his brother or best friend in there? I mean, its just as much his experience as yours. Shouldn't he have the right to bring somebody in?
> 
> Your not getting it. Yes it just as much both of your experience. That's it. Nobody elses. So unless you both agree that somebody else should be there then you're out of line.
> 
> ...


I totally agree about watching out for the resentment, it’s where the damage may already be done.

Another point to ponder maybe. It surely must be a mother’s perhaps number one wish that the father of her children “stays around”. That he’s in it “for the long term”. More especially a mother who has been round the loop once and already has two fathers in her children’s lives.

And surely it’s far better to get him to stay “voluntarily” for herself and her children, surely she needs his moral, emotional and financial support. Because her children’s father will be there as to whether he stays married to her or not. And to denigrate the Man’s role in her life and her children’s life by saying her wishes are greater than her husband’s and the father of her children is I think a very bad thing to do. She’s seriously pushed the guy away already and told him he’s practically worthless in her eyes but I know she’s so self centred she cannot see it, although I hope she does before it’s too late for her and her children.


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

Ok, now you're just trying solicit specific opinions. That's manipulative. You can't just show him the responses you want him to see. Thats really messed up. Do you think we weren't giving honest answers on the other thread you posted? Just didn't like what you were hearing? I feel sorry for your husband. He's gonna have to let it go because you're not going to, when he has every right to feel the way he does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Wow. I am completely surprised by the responses. 

Think of it from a very basic hormonal level. Woman labors. She seeks a very specific environment to labor in, for the optimum hormones to make labor work well and speedily. She desires constant personal companionship to feel comfortable, such a wish being achieved will release lots of good hormones during labor, but knows her H will be stepping out for smokes on a regular basis, and that he has denied her any other support. She gets upset as she labors because he keeps leaving her on her own = BAD hormones being released = more pain + longer labor. She also seeks the companionship of someone who has "been there done that" (which btw is a very common desire during labor, to seek that female support.)

I am not saying the OP's wishes are MORE important, but that they are important in both the same, but also different in a very fundamental way.

I think that explaining the desire to have someone there to step in, someone who knows what labor is like from a female perspective, might help the OP's H to understand more. I am thinking though that his desire for it to just be him and her is possibly due to the fact she already had a child previously, so he wants to ensure their experiences are "theirs"?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> Wow. I am completely surprised by the responses.
> 
> Think of it from a very basic hormonal level. Woman labors. She seeks a very specific environment to labor in, for the optimum hormones to make labor work well and speedily. She desires constant personal companionship to feel comfortable, such a wish being achieved will release lots of good hormones during labor, but knows her H will be stepping out for smokes on a regular basis, and that he has denied her any other support. She gets upset as she labors because he keeps leaving her on her own = BAD hormones being released = more pain + longer labor. She also seeks the companionship of someone who has "been there done that" (which btw is a very common desire during labor, to seek that female support.)
> 
> ...


Her husband was an AWESOME support last time. What message do you think he's getting now?


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

I can understand why your husband feels the way he feels. He feels it's HIS experience with you to share.
OTOH, If it were me, I would object to my mother in law being there.

Personally, I've been through it three times already 
In my cases, I was always there alone with my wife.

I guess that's a "spotlight" your husband doesn't want to share.


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## miss-understood (Jun 13, 2011)

broken1, it's not cool to be manipulative. And it's also not very cool to say you "feel sorry" for a poster's husband, to try to hurt/shame her because you don't like what she is saying. That's just another form of manipulation.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

In my case mil AND sil might have been a bit much for both of us, and I'm sure it has much to do with their personalities. But fwiw, I don't think you are being selfish at all. Labor is exhausting and you should have the final say in the environment where you give birth. He should be doing everything in his power to make you feel safe and comfortable. If you want your sister there, she should be there.

My sister-in-law was there for the birth of our son. She happened to be stopping by when it it was time to push, so we hadn't actually planned on it. We have never been great friends so I thought it would be a little weird, but it wasn't at all. I didn't feel like she was intruding at all; instead I am forever grateful that she was there with the camera, because now we have some really good shots that I would not have been able to get due to being weak at the knees from the excitement.

If respecting your wishes, you know, because you are GIVING BIRTH TO HIS CHILD, isn't reason enough, he should be at least happy to have a photographer in the room!


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## miss-understood (Jun 13, 2011)

MN_Mommy - hey you know what though? I don't think his perspective is "old-fashioned", at all. It's only recently that men even entered the delivery room. In the past, they would know that they were not allowed in (at all!), and/or I think most would not want to be there anyway. 

I'm not saying that makes either of you right or wrong. I'm only commenting on the "old-fashioned" statement here.

In terms of the actual argument between you two, and the conflicting perspectives, it's a hard one. I mean, you're the one going through labor and need all the support you can get. He may genuinely want that special time to be just the two of you.

If it were me, I'd tell him that it can be just the two of us - if he quits smoking between now and then. That seems very fair. If this truly means that much to him (versus being a control thing for him - and wanting to banish away all your support besides him, to "control"), then he will make an effort and quit the thing that would diminish his ability to be present and fully support you and the baby. (In delivery - and post-delivery, really, when you think about it.) 

If he really, truly wants this to (honestly) be "just the two of you", then, okay: you guys kick your sister out of the delivery room, but he should similarly be willing to also kick the MONKEY on his back out of the delivery room. So it will really be just the two of you! For real.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

I'm going to have to side with AFEH on this one. I was the only one in the room with my Ex when both my kids were born and had it been any other way I'm sure it would not have been the same awesome experience for me. I can't speak for others but for me the birth of my children was a very personal experience that even today I would not want to be sharing with others.


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## MN_Mommy (Jun 16, 2011)

broken1 said:


> Ok, now you're just trying solicit specific opinions. That's manipulative. You can't just show him the responses you want him to see. Thats really messed up. Do you think we weren't giving honest answers on the other thread you posted? Just didn't like what you were hearing? I feel sorry for your husband. He's gonna have to let it go because you're not going to, when he has every right to feel the way he does.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, I am not. I posted here as well because I hadn't had any responses in the other post. And like I said before, I am trying to be fair. I really dont think I am being selfish at all. Being selfish would be me saying "Im the one giving birth, so its my way". I am trying to make it so we can BOTH have the experience we want. I am mostly frustrated that he wont even leave it open to discussion. I dont think that is fair, and personally I think that is HIM being selfish. JMO!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Just my wife and I for the birth of both of ours. Fortunately my wife agreed so it wasn't an issue but I would have been uncomfortable with anyone else in the room.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Are you doing natural childbirth? I did natural childbirth both times--the last was a set of twins. I absolutely wanted everyone except my husband, doctor, and nurse out of the room. It took a lot of concentration on my part; I never could have remained focused with a room full of people.

I can fully understand your husband's position. Perhaps it's just me. I'm a very private person though.


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

miss-understood said:


> broken1, it's not cool to be manipulative. And it's also not very cool to say you "feel sorry" for a poster's husband, to try to hurt/shame her because you don't like what she is saying. That's just another form of manipulation.


I said what I said because it appeared that she was posting this same question in several different forums looking for a viewpoint that fit her own. Not sure what happened, if it got moved or what, but this WAS in the "Sex and Marriage" topic board last night as well as this one. Also, it IS manipulative to print off a list of opinions that support your own perspective when there are also plenty of folks with differing perspectives.

And misunderstood... my feeling sorry for her husband has NOTHING to do with shaming/hurting anyone. I experienced a somewhat similar situation with my first child. Wasn't necessarily my wife's fault but we ended up with my un-invited in-laws in the room. They felt entitled to be part of it since it was "their" daughter. I realize that's not the same situation exactly but for some people it is very important to keep this private and intimate. In my opinion its one of those things that if both parents are ok with, then great. But if one parent is not ok with it, the other parent should respect that.

JUST MY OPINION. THAT'S WHY WE'RE ALL HERE... RIGHT???
:smthumbup:


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

MN,

I would also like to say that your husbands attitude does sound selfish. If he was posting here I'd probably be giving him the "happy wife, happy life" speech. LOL! But you're the one posting. Its important that you both understand eachothers perspectives and come up with something you can both live with. I'm simply trying to help you understand your husbands perspective because I understand it. Which does include arguing your point with a printout of people that agree with you. Its making him feel ganged up on and like he's wrong for feeling the way he does. He's not wrong, he just has a different view. As I said before, you guys have to solve this one as a team. You do not want to have to remember the birth of your child as a day you were angry with eachother.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

broken1 said:


> I said what I said because it appeared that she was posting this same question in several different forums looking for a viewpoint that fit her own. Not sure what happened, if it got moved or what, but this WAS in the "Sex and Marriage" topic board last night as well as this one. Also, it IS manipulative to print off a list of opinions that support your own perspective when there are also plenty of folks with differing perspectives.


People do this all the time. There is no intent other than to plaster a forum for MAXIMUM response. Since this practice violates forum guidelines, this topic has been consolidated, placed under an appropriate section, and NO responses have been deleted. I don't see any manipulation. The responses are quite varied.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

From a guys POV. Respect his request as father of the child. This is the core family.


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

827Aug said:


> People do this all the time. There is no intent other than to plaster a forum for MAXIMUM response. Since this practice violates forum guidelines, this topic has been consolidated, placed under an appropriate section, and NO responses have been deleted. I don't see any manipulation. The responses are quite varied.


Cool. Thanks for the explanation.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I support your husband on this one. Sorry. I'd respect his opinion on something so huge as the birth of HIS child. I know you don't mean it to be disrespectful to him but that's exactly what you are doing. Is it really worth it?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This is fascinating, because as was pointed out "old fashioned" would be the female support system delivering the baby. Men in delivery rooms is a relatively new phenomenon.

Both of you are entitled to your desires, and neither of you is right and neither of you is wrong. So I think you should communicate and work out a compromise arrangement.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

I am a little surprised at so many agreeing with the husband. I can really go by my own experience though. I was never thrilled with the prospect of SIL being there, and my dw never pushed it, but I was very happy with the way it worked out - she happened to be dropping in during the time of delivery and stayed to help with the pushing and snap some photos - and never once felt like the intimacy of the moment was violated in any way. I was too happy holding my son to care who else was in the room with me.

I will qualify that DW's pregnancy was _miserable_ and there was a great deal of anxiety because both my SIL and MIL have had to do C-sections. We are proud to say that my DW is the first in her immediate family to delivery vaginally.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Make it a party with balloons. It's your baby's day too!


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## MN_Mommy (Jun 16, 2011)

I guess I am not understanding the selfish comments? And how I already did the damage? I simply asked him about having my sister in the room, and he said no. What damage did I do by asking a question?? And selfish? I have stated that I am trying to be fair. I also stated that I am biased, and that is why I am asking for a MANS POV on the subject. Obviously I am hormonal, and I feel like I should be able to have my birthing experience the way I want it, but I also realize this is his experience also. 
I haven't picked a fight with him, I haven't thrown a fit. I am just frustrated that I respected his way last time, and was left alone multiple times during my labor so he could leave to smoke, eat, socialize with his family, but he wont even DISCUSS why I want my sister in the room. 
Honestly, I don't see why you are all saying I am being selfish? I know my sister will read up on coaching labor, and I know she will do the research to help me through contractions so she can SHOW my husband, because I know he wont. He was an awesome support person last time, but I will also say that I was SUPER irritated that he left me so many times as well. He didn't do anything wrong, but it would be nice to have a woman there that has been through the pain I will be going through. 
My sister isn't a pushy person, and I KNOW she would respect whatever boundaries we threw at her. She isn't one to overstep herself, and my husband knows that. 
If it comes down to it, and he is too uncomfortable with having her there, then yes, I will drop it. A fight isn't worth it to me. I am just upset that he wont even TALK to me about it. This is my experience too, and I think its kind of BS that its his way or no way without any discussion at all.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> Wow. I am completely surprised by the responses.
> 
> Think of it from a very basic hormonal level. Woman labors. She seeks a very specific environment to labor in, for the optimum hormones to make labor work well and speedily. She desires constant personal companionship to feel comfortable, such a wish being achieved will release lots of good hormones during labor, but knows her H will be stepping out for smokes on a regular basis, and that he has denied her any other support.


Can I say ... .BARF.

Super high needs.


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

MN_Mommy said:


> I posted this on my birth board and showed my husband what everyone said, and his first response was "yeah a bunch of hormonal *****es are of course going to take your side". So I thought about it, and like I said, I want to be fair...so that is why I decided to get a mans opinion on the subject as well.
> I asked him again tonight, and it pretty much lead us right into a fight. The only reason he has given me, is that he thinks its something a man and wife should only share. I understand that, but its a bit old fashioned. I just feel like I should at least have a say in it. I asked him to consider it, and his response was "what is there to consider?".


Guy here

I only have the one kid, and when she came into the world, it was me and my wife in the room. (well, obviously she has to be there.  ) Personally the wife's half naked and its an intimate moment in my mind. I wouldn't be comfortable with my parents in the room, or the in laws. I place child birth very close to the same level as sex and Im betting your husband is thinking along the same lines. To understand how he is feeling, Just imagine your husband asking if his sister could sit in on your wedding night. Bit of a shocker. 


I'm betting that the anger stems from him feeling that your taking an intimate moment away from him. A once in a life time moment.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Our youngest was a scheduled C-section which I got to watch including the anesthesiologist dropping her earring in my wife.


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## MN_Mommy (Jun 16, 2011)

So, I emailed my husband and just put it all out there. I didn't want to push it and ruin his experience, but I wanted him to know how upset I was that he wouldn't at least talk to me about it.

After reading my email, and a calm discussion tonight, we came to a compromise. My sister will be allowed to help me labor, but when it comes to pushing and the final stages, we will ask her to go and it will just be him and I. This wasn't exactly how I wanted it, but I also know its not how he wanted it either. So we met in the middle.

I really appreciate all the advice and comments from you. It really did help!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Glad you were able to reach a compromise. That's what is important.


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