# To allow or not?



## HoldinOnTight (Jun 3, 2010)

So my husband had an emotional affair (I have yet to post all the details on this forum). But he wants to work on our marriage. He says he values the affairee's "friendship" and that he believes they should still remain "friends". I don't agree with this by any means. But I want to salvage my marriage for our kids sake as well as mine. In my mind I tell myself that I can accept this "friendship" but in reality it HURTS and in a bad way. Like she means more then me??? He is currently moving back to the state I just moved to (almost 3 weeks ago). He said he is sacrificing his career for his kids and marriage. I am like WTF? He actually lost his job 5 days after he told me to leave and go where I had support. I am so helplessly in love with him and just want to forgive and move on. But I know this "friend" will always be in the back of my mind and will lead to me snooping on him or what ever. Not to mention never being able to repair the trust. I want to block her phone numbers from his cell phone from being able to be dialed in/out or text...but I know this will end bad for me. Any advice is greatly appreciated. TIA


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## misis (Jun 3, 2010)

i guess you both should agree on some things to keep your marriage. like, what should he do so you can be assured that this 'friend' will remain a friend and not take your place? ask him what he think are the limits of that friendship. make him set his own rules. then tell him also what are the things that you think can make you feel assured, so you won't snoop on him. im sure both of you may have some disagreements on your suggested solutions, but try to reach an agreement, compromise.
perhaps, you should also meet the so-called friend, have dinner with her. that may be awkward. be friendly, dont be hostile when you meet her. the idea is to get the friend know you treat her well, so don't she dare treat you badly, hehe. not to mention that by meeting her, you actually show her that you are THE WIFE.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Well I could of almost written that myself  I am hoping someone answers it. You got to love when someone tells you a 'friendship' is more important then there marriage.


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## flatterpuss (May 26, 2010)

holdinontight:

I'm sorry for what has happened. Have you asked him WHy he had the affair?

You AND him need to work out what it is you actually want from an intimate relationship and marriage to start with.

What are your standards? What are his?

Trust is hard to repair, yes - but perhaps some understanding of him on your part might help free you from the problem?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

It is important to understand what he was getting from the relationship that he wasn't getting from you. But no, he doesn't get a free pass to maintain his friendship while claiming he wants to repair his marriage. There can't be any healing in that scenario.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Quads123 (May 27, 2010)

Deejo said:


> It is important to understand what he was getting from the relationship that he wasn't getting from you. But no, he doesn't get a free pass to maintain his friendship while claiming he wants to repair his marriage. There can't be any healing in that scenario.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This has to be discussed... That way you can understand why this happened and work to gain resolution....


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Firstly, I agree with the other posters that tell you to figure out why he had the emotional affair and work as a couple to fix that and strengthen your marriage.

Now, my opinion on him maintaining the "friendship". I've been through that whole scenario. I was trying to be the "cool" wife, and not let it bother me. Didn't work at all! The point is that his relationship with the other woman hurt you. If he really wants to work on his marriage, then that should be a priority over his "friendship".

I don't see how anyone can have a happy, healthy marriage, if a spouse maintains a friendship with someone they had an affair with (any kind of affair). It sounds toxic to me.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

HoldinOnTight said:


> So my husband had an emotional affair (I have yet to post all the details on this forum). But he wants to work on our marriage. He says he values the affairee's "friendship" and that he believes they should still remain "friends". I don't agree with this by any means.


The marriage will not recover as long as the "friendship" remains, it must end for him to really begin and see you in the proper light again.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

As a man and knowing the ego of most men I doubt he would agree to that if the shoe was on the other foot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HoldinOnTight (Jun 3, 2010)

Thanks Everyone!


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