# Wife confessed to affair. How to cope?



## Trey33 (Feb 21, 2014)

*Background:*
My wife and I have been married for just over 10 years and have 3 kids. Over the past couple years our marriage has become more of one of convenience than of real connection. We got to the point we didn't even really fight about things that bothered us. It was rough for us both, but as sad it it was we just gave up on trying to improve things.

*The Affair:*
Even with our recent troubles, I never imagined her having an affair. Not MY wife. She could NEVER. We'll, she was! 

She recently came clean and told me everything. I was in complete shock! I never thought she would, or could ever do something like this!

About 2 years ago, her and the AP (also married) started texting each other. They didn't work together, but there was a project they were both involved with. It started out with work related texts from him, then more of a friendship, then grew into flirting, then progressed to very inappropriate sexual texting, and eventually actually meeting up for sex. This went on for about 10 months or so. It was mostly texting with the occasional encounter (5-6 encounters total over the 10 months).

Things died down over a year ago and they went without any communication until recently when they were on the same project again. This time it never got physical, but there was still some flirting/inappropriate text messages. 

A couple weeks ago, they both talked and both decided this wasn't want they wanted. They both wanted to be with their spouses and they didn't want to take things any farther this time. They decided it was over and haven't communicated since.

*The Confession/Aftermath:*
When my wife confessed, she prefaced it by saying how much she loves me and that she will do anything and everything for the rest of our lives to make it up to me. Then told me the what you never want to hear. It hit me hard. I just never imagined it possible (I know, naive, right). As hard as it was for me to hear, I could also see the reality of what she had done was hitting her hard as well. There's no doubt she is deeply remorseful!

The past few days have been devastating to me as I ask more questions and learned more about what, when, where, etc... 

We've talked about the absolute NECESSITY to be completely up front and honest about what happened. I have been extremely clear, several times that for me/us to have ANY chance to deal with this she must be COMPLETELY up front and honest with everything I want to know about. She agrees and I feel she is doing her best to be brutally honest with her answers no matter how hard it is for her to say and hurtful she knows it is for me to hear. 

There's no doubt she is DEEPLY remorseful!!! She is willing to do anything to try to rebuild if that is what I want, but understands it's still early and I'm struggling with this. 

The past couple years we haven't REALLY talked as we just grew further and further apart. Over the past several days, we've really been open with each other. I've talked about how hurt I am and I can tell how much this hurts her as well. In a really demented way, this has shook us of our funk and forced us to really look and talk to each other, which in turn has made us feel closer than we have in quite a while. 

*How to Cope:*
My emotions are all over the place! I can't get it out of my mind (I know it's still early). I just don't know what I can do to begin dealing with this. 

I've asked a bunch of questions (without getting into specific details as I don't want those images). Do I want to know all the specific details? Would that help or hurt? 

Do I want to see the text messages?

For those that have been through this, what would your advice be for someone dealing with things in the first few days/weeks? It's all I can think about. How do I stop obsessing about this for at least a few moments out of the day?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Sorry you are here, this is a good place to start
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

the first thing you must do is get the texts and show them to the other man's wife. This will ensure that the affair doesn't resurface. Your wife may tell you that the OM also confessed to his wife, but do not believe this. And do not tell your wife you are going to confront.
When your wife finds out that you confronted, the true test will be her behavior towards you....if she really wants to reconcile, she should not have a problem with you exposing this to the OMW.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If it were me, I would want to read the texts.

I would also want my wife to write me a timeline of the affair.

I would want to know all the details, but you may not want to know. 

Did she love him? Did she use protection? If not, has she been tested for stds? It is good that she confessed, but are you her backup plan? 

Has she read about the hurt that goes to a betrayed spouse? Has she read about How to survive an affair? Has she gone to counseling to find out how to have proper boundaries?

How do you know that she will not cheat again, fall in love and never tell you? 

It is good that she confessed. 

I do agree that you should expose to the OMW. 

Has she given you passwords to all her email accounts, the secret phone and her real phone? 

I am sorry that you are going thru this horrible experience.

It will take years to work thru this mess. 

You will think about it for years.

Some are so hurt that they have the WS sign and agreement that if the cheating happens again, that the agreement covers property settlement, alimony and child custody.

Is she willing to sign an agreement? 

She is better than my wife. Your wife confessed. 

I still think about it way too much.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> I would want to know all the details, but you may not want to know.
> 
> Did she love him?


I honestly don't think "love" exists in a promiscuous secret relationship built on disrespect, deception, and destructive behavior.

I just don't buy it.

Infatuation yes, love, no.

A lot of people cheating will tell you they are "in love", but I don't buy it.

I think they are confusing infatuation for love.

They aren't the same thing, no matter what Hollywood keeps trying to tell us.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

I do agree with earlier comments that OMW has a right to know what's going on.

And you put her in the loop without giving your wife a heads up you are doing it.

This is your wife's first test : if she fights you on this, you know she's not as remorseful as you think she is.

My second point : THANK YOU for such a great layout for your post. Many new arrivals show up here and post a three page wall of text without even a paragraph break. Yours was a very easy read. Thank you.

Last point. Do NOT confuse REMORSE with LOSS.

Far too many betrayed men and women see tears during confrontation and think "wow they must be really sorry..."

You may be confusing remorse with something else...

There are two likely explanations for tears

a. she's hurt for the destruction and disrespect she's demonstrated towards you, your family, and the OMW's home (remorse)

b. she's grieving the loss of OM (heartbreak)

c. confrontation stress

There is NO WAY for you to know which it is. And those are VERY different.

Do NOT think tears = remorse.

Do NOT make that mistake. You need to TEST this fully.

You CANNOT accept her WORDS as indicating remorse either.

Her actions are how she shows remorse.

Out the OM to OMW and watch your wife's behavior.

Be highly suspect of sudden changes in attitude.

It is very difficult for women in particular to simply "shut off" an affair.

And you are characterizing a female who appears to have done just that.

I don't buy it.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I suggest contacting OMW's. She may have information to share with you. In fact, your wife's confession could have been the result of the threat of exposure and not remorse. I would want to know.

Each of us is different, but I would need to know what I'm being asked to forgive. Therefore a complete timeline and the texts would need to be reviewed.

Get checked for STDs, you can bank that protection wasn't used.

Paternity test the kids especially the youngest. Just because she gave you a timeline doesn't mean it is accurate. 

I would get all details in writing- then ask her for a polygraph. Judge her reaction and follow thru. You may find that he was not the only OM during your marriage.

Resist the temptation to rug sweep. It will bite you in the ass.

Make sure you are eating and excercising. It really does help. Careful with booze, that crutch is not helpful at all.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Trey33 said:


> Do I want to see the text messages?


No, she likely deleted some of them already anyways.



Trey33 said:


> For those that have been through this, what would your advice be for someone dealing with things in the first few days/weeks? It's all I can think about. How do I stop obsessing about this for at least a few moments out of the day?


Excercise. Run, jog, lift weights.

Do NOT watch movies, listen to music, or read novels.. they are rife with triggers.

Eat healthy, NO coffee or other foods that contain stimulants. Avoid alcohol.

You have PTSD and anxiety most likely. Coffee just makes that worse.

Get OUT of your home and exercise.

Also : 

a. tell your wife to get a new phone and number
b. tell your wife to shut down any and all communication lines she has (email addresses, facebook account, twitter account, etc)

You will obsess LESS if you feel SAFE.

And right now you likely do NOT feel safe at all.

SHE can treat that by shutting this guy DOWN.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I would ask her to write out a timeline. The elephant in the room is that you really have been disconnected for two years.....................the same amount of time the affair started was about two years.

I would have to see the texts.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Trey,

My wife started cheating on me after 25 years of marriage. I like you thought she would be the last person on earth to lie, deceive, and cheat in marriage. She was caught... would of taken her lies to the grave no doubt.

I know your mind is racing 1000 mph trying to process the unthinkable. Just hold on for now, don't make any life altering decision for at least 3 months, time is your ally.

Now the hard part. 

So she just had a change of heart and decided to confess her affair? Possible, but not very likely. More truthfully, her affair was exposed and she knew it would get back to you, maybe the OMW found out, or friends of yours saw them. 

I have been exactly where you are. My own wife literally swore on the Holy Bible that she had told everything to me, all of it, there was nothing more. Only to recant her "story" the next day when I "acquired" additional email and text between her and AP. And, she was truly remorseful for what she had done, but lying was no part of her nature. 

Your wife's story has more holes in it than a golf course. Do you really believe that she and her AP didn't continue the affair. Trey... she lied to you for years, she cheated on you for years. My own wife admitted that lying and cheating became easy after the 1st, 2nd time. She could look me straight in the eye and lie without the slightest sign of emotion. 

Seek the truth, no trust a word she says right now. Make it very plain to her that Continued Lies = Divorce.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

By the way, if your wife is not lying about any of this, its the first time someone has come her and did not find their spouse was lying about a lot of it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Well, she confessed to you, which is a positive point in her favour.

OK, counselling, both individual and couples, would be advantageous.

It'll not be easy, there will be triggers, but your new friends at TAM will be here to help you.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Trey33, you need to have your WW leave this job. Your WW must have NC, no contact with the OM.

You must also expose the affair to the OMW. By informing the OMW she may insist that her WH leaves the job.

Either way the OMW must be told. Do it on the phone so that you know the OM did not intercept the message.

Then get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Also DNA test the kids. STD tests for you and your WW. Then schedule a polygraph test to make sure you got the whole truth about the affair.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

RWB said:


> So she just had a change of heart and decided to confess her affair? Possible, but not very likely. More truthfully, her affair was exposed and she knew it would get back to you, maybe the OMW found out, or friends of yours saw them.


:iagree: 



RWB said:


> *Your wife's story has more holes in it than a golf course*. Do you really believe that she and her AP didn't continue the affair. Trey... she lied to you for years, she cheated on you for years. My own wife admitted that lying and cheating became easy after the 1st, 2nd time. She could look me straight in the eye and lie without the slightest sign of emotion.
> 
> Seek the truth, no trust a word she says right now. Make it very plain to her that Continued Lies = Divorce.


:iagree:

Trey, you are making a BIG mistake right now.

You are accepting the WORD of a KNOWN LIAR and CHEAT at face value.

She has lied to you for a LONG time.

You cannot simply just decide to believe she's made a complete 180. You cannot be THAT naive.

She's hiding something. She's hiding a LOT most likely.

Do NOT expect to find it in her texts. She can DELETE texts.

You go to OMW, the two of you go out to a restaurant and the two of you put a TIMELINE together.

Cross reference their stories. You will find holes.

_You have to be your OWN detective here.

Do NOT go to your LYING WIFE for your answers. CLASSIC mistake.
_


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Well, she confessed to you, which is a positive point in her favour.


I would hold that point back until you have ruled out damage control.

The cat may already be out of the bag and this wife is just trying to get ahead of the storm.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Trey33 said:


> Do I want to know all the specific details? Would that help or hurt?
> 
> Do I want to see the text messages?
> 
> For those that have been through this, what would your advice be for someone dealing with things in the first few days/weeks? It's all I can think about. How do I stop obsessing about this for at least a few moments out of the day?


Sexual details - like how they did the sex acts, penis size, etc. - I don't think so. It's your call. Once you go there, you can't go back. Dates, times, places, how often they met up - yes, I think this helps you put your life in perspective for the past two years that were kept secret from you.

Texts - yes, at least a few, if they are not deleted. Most cheaters will delete. Many if not most of us found out from stumbling upon the messages, so for us there was no choice. But if I had a choice, I would choose to read them. It will give you some insight. I wouldn't necessarily believe everything you read. I read more than a few outright lies in the messages. I don't know about the others here, but mine really exaggerated if not outright lied to portray herself more favorably to the other man. Also, I found most of the messages to be rather juvenile, the back-and-forth of the messages reminded me of stuff you'd say when you were in high school.

The first few days - yours confessed, so it might be a little different than most, who may have been more worried about breaking up the affair. With a confession, I would wonder why? Was the other man's wife going to spill the beans? Was the other man getting too close and she was afraid he was going to tell you? She cheated for what, 10 months, without enough guilt to end it, and then started it back up again a year later, and now she is confessing?  Let's just say I am a skeptical person.

My advice is to tell the other man's wife. Don't tell your wife you are doing it. You are helping out another person, you are getting back at the other man, and you are testing the supposed "no contact" between your wife and the other man. Even though it is easy for them to communicate without you finding out, it happens enough that the cheater can't hold inside the anger they feel when you hurt their affair partner by exposing them to their spouse. IF she finds out is one test, HOW she reacts if she finds out is another.

Also, make sure your wife knows what "no contact" means. Cheaters don't usually have the same ideas about "no contact" as betrayed. If he calls her, texts her, rings the doorbell, comes to her job, calls her at work, etc. - let her know what you expect of her in each situation and see if she agrees with you on how to handle it. Is it OK with you if she looks him up on the internet? If not, let her know.

Ask her to change her phone number, delete social media or at least block him on it.

A lot of this stuff is fairly meaningless for really ending the affair or preventing it from starting back up, she could meet up with him, she can unblock him, get a burner phone, use a cheater app, use work email/phones, use a friend's or kid's phone - there are about a thousand ways to contact each other - but it will make you feel better to see her cooperating by blocking, changing numbers, etc. It is a hassle to do it, so if she does it, it shows at least some level of commitment to working on things.

Make peace with losing your marriage. It might happen. There are no guarantees. Life will go on, you will be happy again at some point, no matter what happens, your kids will somehow survive it. You can't control her, only yourself. You can tell her what you need, but she is the one who has to do it. If she doesn't, then you may have to pull the plug. Try to get to a place mentally where you are operating on the basis of WHAT YOU WANT and WHAT YOU NEED rather than out of FEAR.

As long as your wife is doing what you need, I see no reason why you should abstain from sex. Hysterical bonding can be a wonderful thing. Just don't let it cloud your judgement on other parts of your wife's behavior.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> By the way, if your wife is not lying about any of this, its the first time someone has come her and did not find their spouse was lying about a lot of it.


Even the ones who confess seem to tell a lot of lies. I don't know why, but I think it might have to do with how you react as she tells you, she can see how upset you are getting, she can see the look in your eyes, if she really does love you, she may really feel terrible about this, and she also may fear you'll call it quits, so I think the tendency is to start to water things down and hold back some of the truth.

What happens then is that you start to go on with life, reconciling, starting to believe in her a little again, starting to trust her again, then you find out she was lying about something you consider to be a fairly big deal. So it's good if you can explain this to her and let her get out all of the truth upfront, no matter how painful, it's easier than having it all get derailed by what is referred to as "trickle truth" weeks or even months from now.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Even reading OLD emails he sent to her is contact.

That's just one step. Next she starts missing him again and picks up the phone to call him...

NO contact means nothing to do with him.

She deletes all mail and texts AFTER your review.

She opens up all mail and phone accounts to you.

YOU change the passwords so she can't get into them.

You WAIT for OM to try to sneak an email in...

SHE stays AWAY from all accounts he could have the slightest chance of contacting her.

All gifts, cards, souvenirs go OUT the door into the TRASH.

THAT is no contact.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Allen_A said:


> Do NOT confuse REMORSE with LOSS.
> 
> Far too many betrayed men and women see tears during confrontation and think "wow they must be really sorry..."
> 
> ...


She lied to you successfully for a long time, and cheated on you without you knowing. I think it is safe for you to assume that she is good at lying. I've seen too many betrayeds fooled by tears and words. I'm not saying your wife is not truly sorry or her tears are not real, I am saying, I don't think you can tell. I am saying, exercise some skepticism with what she tells you, especially if it doesn't match up with how she is acting.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

RWB said:


> So she just had a change of heart and decided to confess her affair? Possible, but not very likely. More truthfully, her affair was exposed and she knew it would get back to you, maybe the OMW found out, or friends of yours saw them.
> 
> I have been exactly where you are. My own wife literally *swore on the Holy Bible* that she had told everything to me, all of it, there was nothing more. Only to recant her "story" the next day when I "acquired" additional email and text between her and AP. And, she was truly remorseful for what she had done, but lying was no part of her nature.
> 
> *Your wife's story has more holes in it than a golf course*. Do you really believe that she and her AP didn't continue the affair. Trey... she lied to you for years, she cheated on you for years. *My own wife admitted that lying and cheating became easy after the 1st, 2nd time. She could look me straight in the eye and lie without the slightest sign of emotion*.


This is just an observation of mine: I have never heard of a cheater who "swore" on anything and turned out to be telling the truth. Swore on the bible, swore on the lives of her children, swore on the grave of her father - anytime I ever heard of a cheater swearing on anything, it turned out to be a lie.

I don't personally find your wife's story to be full of holes, I haven't heard enough of it, but if something doesn't make sense to you after she explains it, then it probably is a lie. When you get the truth, it all will make sense. If you are getting a story that you feel doesn't make sense, if you feel that there are holes in it, it almost definitely will turn out to be a lie.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Trey33
First of all, sorry for your situation. Betrayal is a hurt that is far worse then physical pain.

My advice to you is this. Like everyone else, you can't believe what she's saying. Not after an affair. Too many lies.

Tell her that her words are empty along with the sorrow she's showing because of her lies and deceit and that your taking her to get a polygraph test. Don't tell her where or when but let her know that it will happen. Let her know that you will give the person giving the test a list of questions that you want answered and if any questions come back as a lie then the marriage will be over. Make sure that she knows your as serious as a heart attack about it.

I also agree with the other posters that you need to contact the OM wife and let her know about it. It's the fair thing to do. She needs to know about her husband and maybe she knows more than you. 

Don't let your wife gas light you with I'm sorry and that she loves you because the reason why you know about the affair is because she had a good idea that you would find out from word on the street. Good Luck.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> swore on the lives of her children,


Translation: "I am a serial adulteress."


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

*Re: Re: Wife confessed to affair. How to cope?*



Will_Kane said:


> This is just an observation of mine: I have never heard of a cheater who "swore" on anything and turned out to be telling the truth. Swore on the bible, swore on the lives of her children, swore on the grave of her father - anytime I ever heard of a cheater swearing on anything, it turned out to be a lie.
> 
> I don't personally find your wife's story to be full of holes, I haven't heard enough of it, but if something doesn't make sense to you after she explains it, then it probably is a lie. When you get the truth, it all will make sense. If you are getting a story that you feel doesn't make sense, if you feel that there are holes in it, it almost definitely will turn out to be a lie.


:agreed:

There's always the possibility that the only reason she suddenly confessed is because the OMW threatened to expose the affair to. So like the others, I agree that the OP must make contact with the OMW. She may actually have more information. 

Also, I believe in TT, and the WS always tries to minimize the extent of the affair? Sex only a few times? How many times have we read that here? What we know about affairs sex is that it is intense, almost always unprotected, and the WS will do things with their affair partner that they would never do for their spouse. 

Also, how many times have we read here that the BS falls for those crocodile tears? If she's truly remorseful, what is she doing to prove it? Crying a few tears and saying they're sorry is not proof enough. 

FULL DISCLOSURE - to include a timeline and transparency for starters.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> This is just an observation of mine: I have never heard of a cheater who "swore" on anything and turned out to be telling the truth. Swore on the bible, swore on the lives of her children, swore on the grave of her father - anytime I ever heard of a cheater swearing on anything, it turned out to be a lie.
> 
> I don't personally find your wife's story to be full of holes, I haven't heard enough of it, but if something doesn't make sense to you after she explains it, then it probably is a lie. When you get the truth, it all will make sense. If you are getting a story that you feel doesn't make sense, if you feel that there are holes in it, it almost definitely will turn out to be a lie.


You have articulated what I've come to understand as a general rule in life- I'm not just talking about relationships. It is a good statement, "The truth will set you free." When you hear the truth there is no confusion, no circles in your mind. When you experience those things you are being lied to. Very good comment.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

RWB said:


> Trey,
> 
> My wife started cheating on me after 25 years of marriage. I like you thought she would be the last person on earth to lie, deceive, and cheat in marriage. She was caught... would of taken her lies to the grave no doubt.
> 
> ...


This is extremely important! Why did she confess?


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

I don't think this is the first OM. Someone knew about the affair, she got scared and confessed for her current digression so that you don't dig up the past.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Like a lot guys here you are rugsweeping. She confessed because she had to. No doubt. Tell her you just talked to OM wife, then tell her she has one final chance to tell the truth.

And then you do need to call OM wife. And the job goes. Asap.

She also needs to confess to her parents. This way if things go bad in reconciliation she cannot blameshift to you.

I would also make her call OM wife and apologize. If she refuses any of this, she is not sorry.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I can say for sure that she is still lying regardless of her intentions

Your best case scenario is "She is still lying out of concern for you and saving" .

Do you think she confessed of her own volition or she was forced to ?

You have one night stands and have remorse. A one night stand could be lapse in judgement. 

You don't have a 10 month affair. The reasons that she had her affair are still there. They will crop up again once the guilt goes away.

Check her phone records. All traces of her affair are probably long gone. You will need to verify anything she tells you. And do not believe anything you cannot verify. Atleast for the first few months. A person who can havce a 10 month affair cannot be trusted in a relationship. If you want to reconcile with such a person, take time understanding what she actually did. An affair is just not sex with another person. It is betrayal at many levels, even your kids.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> There's no doubt she is deeply remorseful!





> There's no doubt she is DEEPLY remorseful!!!


Don't do this. Your empathy can wait. You don't exactly know what she is feeling.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How did your sex life change in the last two years? Go up, go down, stay the same, come back to normal, etc.? Did she ever actually cut you off or lose interest?


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

illwill said:


> Tell her you just talked to OM wife, then tell her she has one final chance to tell the truth.
> 
> And then you do need to call OM wife


Nah, that's just giving OM heads up to run damage control just like this one did.

Call OMW, no warnings to your wife, no warnings to OM.

When you are dealing with infidelity NEVER threaten, just DO IT.

If you threaten, you just get cheaters scrambling to cross-reference their stories, run damage control, and you give them time to prepare.

You just do it.

Don't warn them or anyone. You just do it.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Thound said:


> This is extremely important! Why did she confess?


No point in asking her. You can't trust a word she says at this point...

All roads lead to OMW.

The OP needs to 

a. contact OMW directly, on the PHONE so he knows its her.
b. setup an in-person meet to exchange notes
c. do NOT WARN either of the cheaters this meeting is happening

THIS is the best way to find out why the truth is suddenly so valuable.

I don't buy the "truly remorseful" dance either. It is very easy to confuse the loss of the AP for remorse.

Those tears aren't for you dude, they are for OM most likely. If you think those tears are for you, you are a sucker. And you don't read like one.

You need to wake up and realize this has been happening for a LONG TIME. This is not a drunken one night stand. This is repeated disrespect, sabotage, and deceit for months.

Contact OMW.

Just DO IT. No threats to your wife, no warnings either. Just do it.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

I don't sense any anger or outrage in your post? Are you accepting some of the blame for what she chose to do?


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> Nah, that's just giving OM heads up to run damage control just like this one did.
> 
> Call OMW, no warnings to your wife, no warnings to OM.
> 
> ...


My bad on that.


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

Trey, I am so sorry you are going thorugh this. There are a variety of ways to address the situation and move forward. What was right for some may not be right for you. I'll be praying for wisdom for you in the coming days.

You didn't mention counseling. Have you guys met with anyone yet together? This is a great first step. A counselor can help you develop a plan for moving forward and can also help keep her accountable to the truth. 

Hang in there! There are many couples that have come back from this stronger. There's a good book called "Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair" - It might be a good one for you to check out. Blessings to you.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Trey33 said:


> *The Confession/Aftermath:*
> When my wife confessed, she prefaced it by saying how much she loves me and that she will do anything and everything for the rest of our lives to make it up to me.


Every man is different. Some can forgive this, some can't. And even the ones that can't, they'll never forget and get angry inside when triggers happen.

Did you ask her, since she gave you the gift that keeps on giving of imagining her having sex with another man, just how in the hell she thinks she is going to make this up to you??





> There's no doubt she is DEEPLY remorseful!!! She is willing to do anything to try to rebuild if that is what I want, but understands it's still early and I'm struggling with this.


I don't doubt that, and if what you say is true, you have a shot. But that depends on just how much she is going to make this right, and how much you can put up with.




> *How to Cope:*
> My emotions are all over the place! I can't get it out of my mind (I know it's still early). I just don't know what I can do to begin dealing with this.


Brace yourself, because this is the truth. You will NEVER get it out of your head. You can only, with time, come to a place where you don't think about it all the time.
But make no mistake, you will think about it and you will get angry. It just will be fewer and farther between.




> I've asked a bunch of questions (without getting into specific details as I don't want those images). Do I want to know all the specific details? Would that help or hurt?


If you want the details she should feel obligated to give them to you.

But IMO, it will only hurt. IMO, details do not matter. What matters is she cheated on you and they had sex. Where how are irrelevant. The fact she had sex with another man is detail enough.




> For those that have been through this, what would your advice be for someone dealing with things in the first few days/weeks? It's all I can think about. How do I stop obsessing about this for at least a few moments out of the day?


Well for starters, and I know this sounds bad, but your wife should be absolutely willing to put herself on house arrest. When she isn't at work, her ass is home.
She has to lose some of the privileges of a trusting husband for at least a little while

Because if you are having a hard time dealing with this, and she is out doing who knows what, that doesn't help you much.

If I had cheated on someone, and I wanted to keep them at all costs, the last thing I'd be doing is being away from home doing something other than grocery shopping or something legitimate. Going out with the guys would be out of the question.

So that's what she needs to do in these early stages if she is wanting to help you.

The other thing now is, she needs to give you access to all of her social networking. email, texts, facebook, phone, everything.

But it all depends on what you are comfortable with.

What is it YOU need from her now? Did she go out with "the girls" and how did this cheating happen? As an office affair? Again, whatever she was doing that more easily helped her have an affair needs to stop.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Trey,

One post and "outta here"? 

Dude... "We" at TAM/CWI can be a little blunt... me included... but try to understand that we have seen it from the other side. I spent over a 2 years in "paid" MC. She was a good counselor, but nothing compared to the real thing here. 

Don't try to "solve" the unsolvable by yourself. 

RWB


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

As a lot of the others have said your wife's confession is to stop the investigation phase now. You need to do what others have stated ie get a timeline, expose, etc.

Per what you need to know about the additional information a lot depends on you. Per what you have stated you seem to be in the mode of trying to "R" at this time.

The question you have to answer are you the type of person who will take someone's word and let it be that or will your imagination run wild. (Mine does) Assuming you do "R" will you be somewhere in the future and start have the images of your wife doing all those different things and enjoying those things that she refuses to do with you with this POS or can you just bury it.

If you have a mind movies you may need to know everything and deal with it now instead of having a time bomb go off in your head, which can derail any future hopes of an "R" if that is what you want to do.

You know what type of guy you are and you have to make that decision.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Trey

Don't believe what she tells you.

Believe what she shows you by her actions.

What made her decide to come clean with you now?

And I agree with the others.

Let his wife know. Do not tell your wife.

Then get the answers to your questions.

Chap is right. She needs to give you a timeline.

HM


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

The OP may have left the building.

But anyway my view is a bit more muted. What folks wrote, especially the first responders, were really rough on Trey. Basically he was told that he was a fool for believing anything his wife said and that the truth would be 10 times worse when it finally came out.

All that may be true, in fact I think that a bit of it certainly is true.

But bluntly dumping it on poor Trey like that is, in my opinion, not the best way to do it. We should have given him some advice useful even assuming that his wife is telling the truth. And telling him to get a timeline and then exposing to the OMW is, I think also good.

And then I think the point is that when he exposes he should be warned that he might get a shock. She might already know or she might know more than Trey does, or she might know nothing.

I think that's a softer way than telling the OP that we've never had a wife simply confess because she felt like it. Why? Because that's wrong. We have had such confessions. Not many I agree, but why take away the poor guy's lifeline. If his wife and the OM have indeed been outed, Trey will find out fast enough.

I'm sorry if I've stepped on anyone's toes. I don't mean to criticize any individual. But we as a group do come on awfully strong at times.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

I think when you ask for details of the actual acts, you let your spouse know they have power over you by virtue of you seemingly needing to hear about this. As if it mattered. What a deceitful person does, really should not carry so much weight, as if it was such an amazing thing that happened....

You are better off not giving this whole thing more power than it already has over you and your relationship. 

If you are trying to reconcile, don't be a victim, don't be controlled by your emotions, rather choose to be in control.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Who are you fine folks talking to?


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

3putt said:


> Who are you fine folks talking to?


to whom ever is reading : )


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> The OP may have left the building.
> 
> But anyway my view is a bit more muted. What folks wrote, especially the first responders, were really rough on Trey. Basically he was told that he was a fool for believing anything his wife said and that the truth would be 10 times worse when it finally came out.
> 
> ...


If he cannot handle CWI he aint got no shot dealing with this affair. We all most toughen up when our lives are at a crossroads.


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## jnichk76 (Nov 4, 2013)

I feel your pain and have you in my prayers. I share this not to condemn, offend or judge but to equip, encourage and comfort you with the knowledge to help you overcome as it helped me overcome.

Here are some truths about EA/PA and looking at pornography? 
Exodus 20:14 Thou shalt not commit adultery.(Kissing, Oral or PA)

Math. 5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looks on a woman(man) to lust after her(him) hath committed adultery with her(him) already in his(her) heart(EA)

Malachi 2:16 16*“I hate divorce,” says the*Lord*God…

How do we heal? – WS confessing the full truth of the infidelity and Mat 6:33 ..seek ye first his kingdom, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. – Own and confess your part of the problem in your marriage.

Jas 5:16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.
1Pe 4:8 *Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since*love covers a multitude of sins. Jas 5:20 let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering*will save his soul from death and*will cover a multitude of sins.
1. Nothing changes until you change it. 
I nearly killed myself trying to "love" my wife out of the affair. All it did was give her more power over me, and deepen my own pain. Nothing changed until I said "Here are your divorce papers, here are the rules for reconciliation. Pick one" and then stick to the rules and enforce them. Don't wait for your spouse to come to their senses. If you want them back, fight for them. 

2. Nothing can ever be the same. 
I am not the same, she is not the same. The marriage is different. Better in some ways, but with huge scars. There is no going back, no matter how much you crave it

3. No-one else will respect you until YOU do. 
Infidelity is shattering. It destroys yourself respect. Sooner or later you have to remember that you are worth more than this. You didn't do anything wrong. You were faithful. You can hold your head up high. Once you can hold your head up high people look at you differently. But then once you hold your head up high you don't NEED them to look at you differently.

4. Winning back your cheating spouse is half the battle. 
You have to fight to win back a spouse. You have to rip them kicking and screaming out of the affair. Use VARs, Keyloggers, PIs, whatever resources you have and don't ever let up. However, if you DO win them back, sooner or later you realize you have won back an emotional mess that wasn't worth fighting for. The journey to become something worth fighting for is now up to them.

5. Reconciliation is hard.
The early months of reconciliation of extremely hard. You don't trust anything. You have to think of a reason to stay every time you wake up. It gets better.

7. It's ok to not make it. 
Even now, a year down the line, I sometimes contemplate "is this worth it". If I ever come to the conclusion "no", I'll be ok with that. I was a mess when I came to this site, but eventually remembered the strong man I am. I will be ok. I THINK this marriage will be great. I HOPE it will be great. But if it's not, well that's ok too.

But it is like a 1st degree burn, it takes a long time to heal. Has to be constantly be cleaned, treated very sensitively and watched close for infection. When it does heal it leaves the burned area numb and scared for life. Just because forgiveness is given and a person heals, we still have to deal with the aftermath of the consequences.


2Pe 2:14-15 (the WS)Having eyes full of adultery, and that cannot cease from sin; beguiling unstable souls: an heart they have exercised with covetous practices; cursed children: 15 Which have forsaken the right way, and are gone astray…

Matthew 6:24“No one can*serve*two*masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted*to*the one and despise the other.” – The WS cannot serve(love) you and the OP.


Romans 12:19-21
19*Beloved,*never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written,*“Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”*20*To the contrary,*“if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.”*21*Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good


Heb 13:4 Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but *****mongers and adulterers God will judge.


God Commands us to be sexually active with our spouse. It is a sin and wrong not to have regular sex according to God’s word below. 

1 Corinthians 6:2-39
2*But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.*3*The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.*4*For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.*5*Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again,*so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Eph 4:26 Be ye angry, and sin not: 
Mat 6:33 But seek ye first his kingdom, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
Rom 8:28 And we know that to them that love God all things work together for good, even to them that are called according to his purpose

1Co 10:13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as man can bear: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation make also the way of escape, that ye may be able to endure it.

Jas 1:12 Blessed is the man that endureth temptation; for when he hath been approved, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord promised to them that love him.


Last of all How to rebuild trust How to build (or rebuild) trust in your marriage. | DaveWillis.org

1. Don’t keep secrets.
In marriage, secrets are as dangerous as lies. Your spouse should have a “master key” to every part of your life. Never have a conversation you wouldn’t want them to hear, view a website you wouldn’t want them to see or go someplace you wouldn’t want them to know about. Complete transparency is vital to building complete trust.
2. Recognize the difference between forgiveness and trust.
Forgiveness and trust are two different things. When you’ve been wronged, you should give forgiveness instantly (which is “Grace”), but you should give your trust slowly (which is “common sense!”). Forgiveness by it’s very nature cannot be earned; it can only be given. Trust by it’s very nature cannot be given; it can only be earned. Forgiveness has to come first and then grace can pave the way to restoration and renewed trust.
3. Don’t retaliate.
When we’ve been wronged, we usually have an urge to punish the person who wronged us. We want them to feel the pain that they have caused us, but this kind of thinking hurts everyone involved and damages trust even more. It’s been said, “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and then hoping the other person dies!”*When you’ve been wronged in a relationship, give clear and specific guidelines for how trust can be restored, but don’t punish the other person.
4. Be consistent.
When you are in a process of rebuilding trust, do your very best to be consistent in your words and your actions. Consistency brings security and security eventually brings trust. We trust patterns of action more than we trust words.
5. Be willing to temporarily give up some freedoms.
When an arm is broken, it has to be put in a cast to restrict its motion so it can have time to heal. When you’ve broken trust, you must be willing to temporarily give up certain freedoms and accept certain restrictions to allow time for healing. This is usually the most uncomfortable part of the process, but it’s vital.
6. Keep the Love alive.
The Bible says that, “Love covers over a multitude of sins.” I love that picture of love being strong enough to cover our imperfections and fill in the cracks of our broken hearts. Keep loving each other and allow God to use the power of love and grace to bring wholeness and healing to your relationship.


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