# confused



## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

Hello. I'm not sure what to do. Recently I found my fiance cheating. Although he said it wasn't cheating because they didn't have sex they only tested and talked on the phone. I find that worse because it Is emotional cheating. This person was surposed to be my friend. It all started by her telling him that he looked sexy. He claims to me that he doesn't like her that he just liked the ego boost he got from talking to her. But I feel like I'm in denial by believeing him. This has been going on for two years. Could it all be a ego trip. Or am I still being played. Two years seems very long. What should I do :-(
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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

Texting
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sure it could be "just" an ego boost for him. A lot of affairs are about ego boosts. Or he could be having real feelings for her.

Your husband is having what is called an emotional affair (EA). You have put up with this nonsense for far too long. 

I aasume you oare living with him. Is this correct?

How long have the two of you been together?

Since the two of you are not even married you might want to seriously end your relationship with him. He does not have proper boundaries and seems to have no consideration for you. Is this what you want?

There are things that can be done to recover a relationship. Step one is that he was to completely end all contact with her forever. This means that he writes her a no-contact letter (there are sample ones on the internet) and then you are there with him when he sends it. If she contact him, he has to tell you and he cannot reply to her.

If he has any contact with her again it's considered re-starting the affair and should mean he gets kicked out.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I would dump the "friend" and ask that your husband end all contact with her. Maybe get some marriage counseling.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You are in denial by believing in him, your instincts are correct. It's been TWO years this has been going on? Come on! You deserve some freakin respect. If he doesn't give you that, he's not worth it. And also, true love can never prosper without respect.

If you look at all of these marriages on here with problems, you'll realise one similarity - when respect is gone, so does the marriage. If I was you, I would force an ultimatum and be prepared to move on, as well as keep tabs on him to see if he truly wants to change and be with you, or if he just lies to your face and keeps seeing his fkbuddy (I doubt the no sex crap)


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

I'm just really confused. I don't know wether I should end this or stay. We have been together for 7 years this Feb. I'm just so devastated. We have had our ups and downs but I really thought we were doing good. I just feel like something isn't right. He had a fake facebook and everything and he claims he changed the password and doesn't remember whatnot is. So he can show Me everything said. That I just have to trust him. I mean wow. Really. I love him so much and I hate him so much at the same time. I want to leave to be strong and move on. But when I think about all those lonely days I get anxiety and change my mind
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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The longer you delay the WORSE it will get, looks like he's a good liar. And furthermore, he's getting away with it, and he'll continue it for the rest of his life unless he realises his ways won't get him anywhere. He needs to grow the fk up in my opinion, you're not helping him by giving into his lies, and allowing him to continue his emotional AFFAIR which has gone on for TWO years ALREADY! Come on!


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

What gets me I'd when I ask him to tell me how he feels he acts like he stupid and says about what. I text him and he gave me one word replies. But when I first found the text from them. He was having a full conversation. And it wasn't anything special. One think in the text that had my very worried. Is I work night shift. She was like "when are we going to play some cards?" He said "name the time" she then says "whenever ur alone cause u don't want everyone to see u cry cause u get whipped" he then says "nobody's home now". She says "it's to cold to walk" he then said "right" and that was the end of that text. And yes she lives 3 blocks from my home. When I asked him why he said that he claims it was a joke because it was cold and he knew she wouldn't come over. That it's sounds bad but wasn't meant that way
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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

I am the only one working. Paying bills. And I just feel like kicking him out. His mom lives 4 houses down. Not like he doesn't have anywhere to go. Its just that I get lonely. If I had someone to keep me company it wouldn't be that bad. I'd there a trick to moving on. Does the emotions get better
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to stop believing this nonsense he's feeding you. It's so transparent. You blieve it because you don't want to know the truth. She's obviously coming over to your house when you are at work.

If you want more solid evidence there are ways to get it. For example get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hide it in your house...like in the front room/living room. Maybe put one in the bedroom. Then when he's not around see if you got anything on it.

A friend of mine caught her husband cheating with a VAR under their bed. He was having an affair and bringing the woman over to have sex in their bed when my friend was at work.

Another good place for a VAR is in the car. A lot of people talk on the cell with their affair partners while driving to and from work. If you do this use heavy duty velcro to secure the var to a hidden surface in the car. 

If you use a VAR do not let him get his hands on the recording. Make copies of it and save it off somewhere.

Another thing you can do is to put a keylogger on his computer. You can find out his passwords that way and see what he's really doing on line.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*needaunderstand* said:


> I am the only one working. Paying bills. And I just feel like kicking him out. His mom lives 4 houses down. Not like he doesn't have anywhere to go. Its just that I get lonely. If I had someone to keep me company it wouldn't be that bad. I'd there a trick to moving on. Does the emotions get better


How long has he been unemployed?

Yes the emotions get better. Once you realize what you are free of a lying cheat who is also free-loading you will feel much better. You will be free to go out and meet new people, explore new things you like to do.

You already know that he does not respect you, is lying and is cheating. What's there to keep him around for?


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## WillPrez (Dec 8, 2012)

I need better counseling if any pls suggest me.


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

He hasn't had a job in two years...ironic hmmm didn't think about that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*needaunderstand* said:


> He hasn't had a job in two years...ironic hmmm didn't think about that


What's that old saying about idle hands and the devil's playground?

Why doesn't he have a job. Is he really looking?

What about him going back to school. Does he have a degree or any kind of certificates in his career field (assuming he has a career field). After 2 years of not working, finding a job will be hard for him. So going back to school could be used as a spring board to getting a job.

Since your friend likes him so much, why not kick him out to go live with her. Then she can support him... would be interesting to see how long she put up with that.


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

Ya she doesn't work either. She still lives with her mom. Lol. And he was a mechanic but it always seems like a new excuse when looking for a job. Probably cause it cuts in on his time with her lazy ass. That he claims to never hang out with. Only texts and calls. When I try to sit down and vent my feeling on how hurt and betrayed I am. He turns it around like he is some victim and I'm a horrible person. And that when we argue I call him mean names and that's why he enjoyed the ego boost. He calls me way worst. Mine are just attempt to feel part of the conversation. I feel like writing her (texting) and telling her off. She is a nut. I text her when it first happened to confront her and she said she was going to kill herself. Odd if u ask me
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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

That's the only reason I haven't kept texting her becausevi want nothing to do with a train wreck. I seen that as her attempt to get attention and be a victim. A little weird that she seems so unstable. I just want to know her side and opinion on the friendship
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

You need to decide what your worth is. If you don't think you are worth more than this rubbish then you will never find true love and happiness.

These two are toxic people, let them have each other and move on with your life. You are not married to him, I think you have had a lucky save, get on with your life, be whole and emotionally healthy. Don't put up with being walked all over.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Two freeloading slackers, typical... and looks like both of them are living with their mums. Unfortunately, yes, you have become his mum! it's time to stop, regardless of his emotional affair.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*needaunderstand* said:


> That's the only reason I haven't kept texting her becausevi want nothing to do with a train wreck. I seen that as her attempt to get attention and be a victim. A little weird that she seems so unstable. I just want to know her side and opinion on the friendship


If you want to talk to her do it.. but don't give him a heads up. That way they cannot coordinate their stories. There is no guarentee that she will tell you the truth so you cannot depend on what she says. But she might reveal somethings that help put things in perspective. Just don't go into it expecting a lot.

Have you looked on he cell bill to see how much time they spend talking and texting?


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

I have looked yet. How would I get that info
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*needaunderstand* said:


> I have looked yet. How would I get that info
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who is your cell carrier?

Does your bill come in the mail? Or do you get an ebill?

We have T-Mobile. I can sign on to the site and get a print out of a list of all incoming/outgoing calls and the number/dates for texts going both ways.

Some people here also know how to get the old texts off of cell phones... there is a thread somewhere about evidence gathering too.


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

I have Verizon. I get bills in the mail and I can view online
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My son has Verizon. I just looked at one of his bills. (he's in college so I pay his cell bill.. so I'm not snooping.) 

It only shows a summary of his calls and texts... like 435 txt messages last month. 

You can probably get a break down online.


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

I just tried and all it will show is the summery
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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

Ask the friend to start texting you flirty lines while you with your partner. Have a special smile on when you text back. See how comfortable will be your partner with this


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This might help ...

getting a list of numbers of who i called in the last month - Verizon Community


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

Lmao great ideal pandorabox he needs to worrie. Let's him feel it. Then say it's nothing. See if he over reacts. Bet he wouldn't be as nice and forgiving as me
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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Please don't play these games. Just throw his a$$ out the door. You deserve better than this.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

*needaunderstand* said:


> Lmao great ideal pandorabox he needs to worrie. Let's him feel it. Then say it's nothing. See if he over reacts. Bet he wouldn't be as nice and forgiving as me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you to worry about the forgiving then use the trick my friend did. She was in similar situation and she asked me to SMS her over and over. We just talked kids, work and normal stuff but like 20 - 30 SMS a day - mostly when she was at home. She would smile and SMS back. To make it work - she password protected the phone. When hubby demanded the true she simply said she is talking to me but she won't give him a password as checking her phone is violation of her privacy. In the end it was easy - I will show you mine when you show me yours. He wouldn't , turned the whole discussion into joke but his texting stopped.:lol:


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

*needaunderstand* said:


> We have been together for 7 years this Feb.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


High school sweethearts? You're too young. It rarely works out. And two of those 7 years he's been having an affair? Move on. I know it's hard, but move on. A few lonely nights now are worth dodging a wasted life.


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