# My fiance's Ex wife can not keep her boundary



## lilian2000 (Apr 11, 2012)

My fiance has a 10 years old daughter , and he has a share custody with his Ex wife . They divorce 6 years ago , and I start dating him 2 years ago ! My problem is his Ex wife still can not accept the new change and new situation in her Ex husband's life , and still see him like her property ! Actually, after they got divorce, they kept their friendship with each other , and because of co parenting situation they were involved in each other's life without any boundary ! like traveling together , or go to party together ! My fiance telling me he has no romantic feeling with his Ex , but just a friendship with each other! It was a big surprise for me at the beginning of our relationship , but my fiance promised to work on that and keep a fair boundary with his Ex-wife , and limit that just as important co-parenting contacts ! So , a lot of issues has been solved ,but not all of them! 

for example his Ex wife always try to find any excuse to sneak to his house , ask him to give him a ride, or keep him busy in her place during the child custody exchange time ! she is very demanding and kind of manipulating person , if he does not accepting her request she always try to bring up this subject that this is not your decision, and some one else made this decision for you ! ! she knows his weakness very well , and any time that he does not obey her wish she use that to make him quiet ! she still sees him as her husband and try to deny his new situation with me !

I am not feel comfortable with this situation , and don't know what to do, when I ask my fiance to talk to her , he has kind of scare of her reaction ! He says I can not say No to her when she asks me to come inside her house ! otherwise she will be mad at me and make my co parenting situation in a very difficult way !

I don't want to be an unfair woman, and I trust my fiance with all my heart , but at the same time I feel so pain when I see him so weak and can not stand up in front up her demanding behaviors ! 

please help me to understand more about this situation ! Do you think it is fair and healthy ,if my finance and his Ex still going to each other's place , or he needs to talk to his Ex wife about that ?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Yes, he needs to have boundaries in relation to her. If he's not willing to set and enforce those boundaries, he's prioritizing her and her feelings over you. Not a good long term situation. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

Is it really a good idea for the two of you to get married considering the issues you mentioned in your post?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long does he stay at her place when he goes over there?

He's still too attached to her and he's not ready to treat her as his ex. 

Your best bet is to end your relationship with him. He's not going to really commit to you.


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## lilian2000 (Apr 11, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How long does he stay at her place when he goes over there?
> 
> Not really long , maybe around 30 min , but still i find it unnecessary !


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## lilian2000 (Apr 11, 2012)

I agree, that's why I do not have any rush to get married with him , unless he solves this issues !


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Its not going to change he has a child with her and the crazy x is going to be around for a long time.

you have been with him for two years!!!!!!! has it changed? there's your answer. 

time to bail in my opinion.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

He can't say "no" to her when she invites him in? Please. They are still in love obviously. Do not marry this man unless you want to share him with another woman who he will always put ahead of you. There are two types of divorced people, those who should have never gotten divorced to begin with and are still in love, and those who want nothing to do with their ex and set clear boundaries and FOLLOW them. Your fiance belongs to the first group. This is not a healthy situation. You deserve better.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

PBear said:


> Yes, he needs to have boundaries in relation to her. If he's not willing to set and enforce those boundaries, he's prioritizing her and her feelings over you. Not a good long term situation.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


YEP. 

My last husband divorced me to remarry his first wife! Who he REFUSED to set any boundaries with while we were married! Think on THAT for a little bit...


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Not all divorces end up with people being enemies. They are friends, and seem to co-parent well. 

He's told you already, he feels it's more important to be amicable with her to allow for easier parenting and you call him "weak" for that. Wow. Just wow. 

Maybe he won't be so "weak" when he chucks you to the curb for interfering in the relationship he has with his child.

You want boundaries? Try setting some for yourself.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

To be honest, I see him getting pushed at from all sides to do what everyone else wants. E.g. she wants him to go inside, you want him to walk away. All I've heard is what you want and what she wants. Do either of you give a stuff about what he wants?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Revamped said:


> Not all divorces end up with people being enemies. They are friends, and seem to co-parent well.
> 
> He's told you already, he feels it's more important to be amicable with her to allow for easier parenting and you call him "weak" for that. Wow. Just wow.
> 
> ...


What he is allowing is WAYYY past being "amicable" or friendly! I have an amicable relationship with my daughter's father, and we rarely speak about anything other than her. 

"for example his Ex wife always try to find any excuse to sneak to his house , ask him to give him a ride, or keep him busy in her place during the child custody exchange time ! she is very demanding and kind of manipulating person , if he does not accepting her request she always try to bring up this subject that this is not your decision, and some one else made this decision for you ! ! she knows his weakness very well , and any time that he does not obey her wish she use that to make him quiet ! she still sees him as her husband and try to deny his new situation with me "

These actions are totally out of line, so is travelling together or attending functions together if the OP is not included. You can have a working co-parenting relationship without these things that are being described. The two of them having this kind of relationship is ok as long as neither of them are involved with someone else, but once a new partner comes into the mix, THAT relationship takes priority and should be respected.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> Its not going to change he has a child with her and the crazy x is going to be around for a long time.
> 
> you have been with him for two years!!!!!!! has it changed? there's your answer.
> 
> time to bail in my opinion.


:iagree:

Getting married to him is not going to change this.


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## Brandy905 (Apr 3, 2014)

I think if you have a problem, it is with him not her. Many people can ask him to do things or go places, it is his choice. If you have an issue with what he is doing, you need to take it up with him.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> What he is allowing is WAYYY past being "amicable" or friendly! I have an amicable relationship with my daughter's father, and we rarely speak about anything other than her.
> 
> "for example his Ex wife always try to find any excuse to sneak to his house , ask him to give him a ride, or keep him busy in her place during the child custody exchange time ! she is very demanding and kind of manipulating person , if he does not accepting her request she always try to bring up this subject that this is not your decision, and some one else made this decision for you ! ! she knows his weakness very well , and any time that he does not obey her wish she use that to make him quiet ! she still sees him as her husband and try to deny his new situation with me "
> 
> These actions are totally out of line, so is travelling together or attending functions together if the OP is not included. You can have a working co-parenting relationship without these things that are being described. The two of them having this kind of relationship is ok as long as neither of them are involved with someone else, but once a new partner comes into the mix, THAT relationship takes priority and should be respected.


How you and your x works for you guys, and that's ok. But it's not everyone's position, though. Many people can and do go above and beyond the call of duty for their x. I don't feel he's doing anything wrong. He gives his x a ride somewhere. Or comes inside when dropping off the kid. I think if it works for them, great!

However, new gf comes along and says, hey, knock that crap off. It's inappropriate and I don't like it. Stop it.

Now, he's placed in a very awkward position. He's done certain things to please gf but she wants him to be less involved with his x and possibly his child. I think OP has been very verbal in her desire to stop his x for being in his life. To me, that's rather presumptuous to think they should act a certain way just cuz OP doesn't like it. Hey, the dude has an x and a kid. Get over it. They will deal with each other how THEY see fit, and if OP doesn't like it, well then....there's the door.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Communication should be down to CHILD ONLY

Nothing less, nothing more.

It's YOUR husband's responsibility to set that boundary and follow thru.

NOTHING to do with his ex.....she will only do what she is ALLOWED to do by YOUR Husband.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Revamped said:


> You want boundaries? Try setting some for yourself.


There's a lot of truth to this. OP, you can tell him what you think, but he doesn't have to do it. And you don't have to stay with him. 

Trying to control how other people think and act is usually just an exercise in frustration.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Revamped said:


> How you and your x works for you guys, and that's ok. But it's not everyone's position, though. Many people can and do go above and beyond the call of duty for their x. I don't feel he's doing anything wrong. He gives his x a ride somewhere. Or comes inside when dropping off the kid. I think if it works for them, great!
> 
> However, new gf comes along and says, hey, knock that crap off. It's inappropriate and I don't like it. Stop it.
> 
> Now, he's placed in a very awkward position. He's done certain things to please gf but she wants him to be less involved with his x and possibly his child. I think OP has been very verbal in her desire to stop his x for being in his life. To me, that's rather presumptuous to think they should act a certain way just cuz OP doesn't like it. Hey, the dude has an x and a kid. Get over it. They will deal with each other how THEY see fit, and if OP doesn't like it, well then....there's the door.


The ex wife should respect his current relationship and no longer ask favors from him. I dont see anywhere that the gf wants him to have less to do with his child. The OP has every right to request that he set boundaries with his ex. My ex refused to set boundaries with his, and she called him constantly at his work, he was the one that she turned to with every little drama that came up in her life with her boyfriend, or money, or whatever other whim hit her at that moment. He helped her out with anything she asked, and didnt give a damn about my thoughts or feelings. She sent me horrible, hateful emails, and he would never stand up for me. And as I stated before, he ended up divorcing me and remarrying her. So it ISNT out of the realm of reality, and to think otherwise is naive. Set boundaries, or dont have other relationships.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> The ex wife should respect his current relationship and no longer ask favors from him. I dont see anywhere that the gf wants him to have less to do with his child. The OP has every right to request that he set boundaries with his ex. My ex refused to set boundaries with his, and she called him constantly at his work, he was the one that she turned to with every little drama that came up in her life with her boyfriend, or money, or whatever other whim hit her at that moment. He helped her out with anything she asked, and didnt give a damn about my thoughts or feelings. She sent me horrible, hateful emails, and he would never stand up for me. And as I stated before, he ended up divorcing me and remarrying her. So it ISNT out of the realm of reality, and to think otherwise is naive. Set boundaries, or dont have other relationships.


He has set boundaries. Just not as many or to the capacity of what OP wants. I think it's about the best it's going to get. If OP is STILL unhappy, then it's her choice to not have to deal with it.

I am sorry your x did those things to you. But that's not in EVERY case and it doesn't appear to be the case with OP's dude either.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I've got a STBXW. I've got an SO. If my SO has an issue with my relationship with my STBXW, it would be a priority to me. My "connection" and priority is with my kids first of all, then my SO. My STBXW is down on the list. There's a reason why she's my STBX. That's not to say it don't still do stuff for her, and I'm still "friendly" to her. But she's not the priority in my life anymore. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> Hey JB, wrong thread! lol!!


LMAO! :rofl:

So funny!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> LMAO! :rofl:
> 
> So funny!


I was wondering what you were smoking! 

And to the OP... The problem isn't that your fiance's ex doesn't have boundaries. The problem is that your fiancé doesn't have proper boundaries. There's a big difference. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I wish I was smoking the good stuff dealing with the insanity of this. Hahaha.

OP - this only happens because your fiance allows it. Many men would never have their ex wife coming into his house whenever she saw fit or manipulating them into doing what she wants. 

It's not about you. It's about your fiance. 

Two years in? Yeah, I wouldn't expect much of a change.

Food for thought.


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## lilian2000 (Apr 11, 2012)

Revamped said:


> Not all divorces end up with people being enemies. They are friends, and seem to co-parent well.
> 
> He's told you already, he feels it's more important to be amicable with her to allow for easier parenting and you call him "weak" for that. Wow. Just wow.
> 
> ...



I think your reaction and judgment is very harsh ! I have no problem with his co parenting stuff ! I know he has an important duty regarding his child , and I am very supporting in that way ! I know his child is his first priority in his life , which it should be that way ! and it is also very important that the co parents should have respect about each other for the good sake of the child ! but believe me , it is more than that ! It is not about to be amicable at all ! friendship is like a two way road , not " one way" !! she is so demanding ! When she knows it is the time that she needs him ( nothing to do with child ) , in this situation she calls him my friend , but when he needs some support from her , in this situation she is his Ex , and she shows her real face , get mad at him or yelling him! This is very abusing situation in my opinion !


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If she's abusive, again, he's the one with a problem because he keeps going back for more. Even after he divorced her. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilian2000 (Apr 11, 2012)

DoF said:


> Communication should be down to CHILD ONLY
> 
> Nothing less, nothing more.
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing your advise ! completely agree ! My fiance spoiled his Ex wife during those past years ! He is the one needs to be change !


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## lilian2000 (Apr 11, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> The ex wife should respect his current relationship and no longer ask favors from him. I dont see anywhere that the gf wants him to have less to do with his child. The OP has every right to request that he set boundaries with his ex. My ex refused to set boundaries with his, and she called him constantly at his work, he was the one that she turned to with every little drama that came up in her life with her boyfriend, or money, or whatever other whim hit her at that moment. He helped her out with anything she asked, and didnt give a damn about my thoughts or feelings. She sent me horrible, hateful emails, and he would never stand up for me. And as I stated before, he ended up divorcing me and remarrying her. So it ISNT out of the realm of reality, and to think otherwise is naive. Set boundaries, or dont have other relationships.


Re: 3Xnocharm 
Thanks a lot for sharing your story with me and your great advises ! Sorry about your past experience ! I can imagine how painful situation it would be for you ! Actually ,this is the reason I don't want to get marry with him right now ! I really need time to see how this situation will go ! some times passing the time will teach us a lot of things , and I want for sure step forward with an open eye !


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

lilian2000 said:


> Re: 3Xnocharm
> Thanks a lot for sharing your story with me and your great advises ! Sorry about your past experience ! I can imagine how painful situation it would be for you ! Actually ,this is the reason I don't want to get marry with him right now ! I really need time to see how this situation will go ! some times passing the time will teach us a lot of things , and I want for sure step forward with an open eye !


Your welcome. If someone can learn from or take away something from my horrible experience, then that is really a positive for me. Threads like this trigger me big time.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

lilian2000 said:


> When she knows it is the time that she needs him ( nothing to do with child ) , in this situation she calls him my friend , but when he needs some support from her , in this situation she is his Ex , and she shows her real face , get mad at him or yelling him! This is very abusing situation in my opinion !


Well, that's the issue. "Your" opinion. You've shared your opinion and he has told you he feels it's better to continue how it is with his x. He doesn't agree with you or your methods. He's a big boy, let him fight his battles.


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## Brafdor (Jan 27, 2014)

Best of luck to you


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

It's a tough one. How cordial is *too* cordial? 

My husband has a cordial relationship with his ex wife, for the sake of their daughter...he says that if it wasn't for their daughter he'd never want to see his ex again, lol. I actually get along with the ex better than he does, and most communication goes through me. Things just run more smoothly that way, hehe.

That said, it's the little person's birthday on Sat, and the 3 of us and my mum are going out for afternoon tea together. The little person talks to me about things she feels she can't talk to her parents about, and asks me to approach them for her. In this instance, she told me she would really like to spend some of her birthday with both of her parents together, so I said "Well, let's ask them hey? We'll see what they say". Luckily, both my husband and his ex were open to the idea.

There may also be times in the future where the two of them have to meet to discuss things related to their daughter, I would most likely be included in this because I am very involved in her upbringing (with the blessing of her mother), but I wouldn't be bothered if they met alone. They don't need to do it over dinner and a movie, but the reality is they do share a daughter so...

The other posters are right though, the issue isn't the ex, it's your fiancé. This continues because HE allows it. No other reason. She can't take his kids away from him, she may hold it over his head that she'll withhold access, but the reality is she can't.


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## lilian2000 (Apr 11, 2012)

frusdil said:


> It's a tough one. How cordial is *too* cordial?
> 
> My husband has a cordial relationship with his ex wife, for the sake of their daughter...he says that if it wasn't for their daughter he'd never want to see his ex again, lol. I actually get along with the ex better than he does, and most communication goes through me. Things just run more smoothly that way, hehe.
> 
> ...


Thanks a lot for sharing you experience ! I was a big help for me


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