# A mistake made, trying to survive it



## wingingit (Oct 8, 2012)

We've been married for almost a year (our anniversary is in less than 20 days). We've weathered depression, military life, and storms of others, but now, he has started talking about divorce. 

We knew each other in college, but hadn't spoke in several years. We reconnected online, and began an intense relationship quickly. After less than four months of dating, we were legally married, and had the pretty ceremony two months later, right before I left for boot camp. Military life put immense stress on both of us, being apart for the entirety of boot camp, and then only getting one day together before being separated for me to go to school. 

It was here that I made a mistake. I kissed a guy from my class two months after being at school. Alcohol had become a major part of my life, and my husband and I were fighting constantly over the phone. Class was hard, and the military lifestyle of not having a vehicle and being around "children" 24/7 was wearing on me. I am 26 (husband is 27), and I was spending my time babysitting 18 and 19 year olds. 

My husband found out about my indiscretion, and almost left me, understandably. Our lives changed dramatically. He moved out to my school location and asked me not to have anything to do with my classmates after school hours. I broke school rules constantly in order to make him happy and be with him (spending the night, skipping out on lunch). 

School ended, and we packed up everything we owned and headed to the east coast. We have a handful of friends (most are mine from childhood), and I work a lot, anywhere from 40-60 hours a week, as well as volunteer with several groups. He has not been able to find a good, steady job since we arrived, and now, that is taking a toll. I don't do anything without talking to him, and try to go out of my way to make sure he feels appreciated and loved. 

But now, he is talking divorce. He has become more and more depressed, and I just don't know what to do. I provided him with information for counseling, and tried to help him get jobs with temp agencies, but nothing seems to be working. He is slipping away from me, and I just don't know which way to turn now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Was it only a kiss? And only one kiss? With one other man? Or more?

If it was, does your husband know this? Or does he suspect the worst?

If you are working 60 hours a week and then doing voluntary work, exactly how much time and energy can you, realistically, spend on making him feel appreciated and loved?

Because getting into an affair before your marriage even reached the first anniversary would certainly have done nothing to make him feel appreciated and loved. And THAT is the thing you have to help him get through. Isn't it?

Did your husband post here a while back? Because if so, the chap who posted here seemed to have had his heart ripped out and stamped on, pretty much.

Get him an appointment with a doctor. A leaflet or a url for a counselling service, though well-meaning, just isn't going to do very much for him, now is it?


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I think you need to cut back on the hours you spend volunteering and invest them in your husband. Also anything over 50hrs/week in a job is a bit much. I am sure he is lonely and the past indescrection is weighing on his mind. You should be trying to prove how much he means to. This means actions not words. Right now you are showing him that work and voluntering means more than he does.


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## KirkSpock (Mar 21, 2012)

wingingit, I am prior service so I understand how much of your life being in the military consumes. More than that, there's an entire culture and mindset that simply can't be fully understood or appreciated by those who have never served (that culture/mindset is there for a reason: those preparing themselves to kill or be killed understand the reason). The camaraderie (and drama that comes with it), the close quarters (and the infidelity that results: I saw that happen ALLLLLLLL the time), and the constant stress (most of which civilians cant comprehend: it's not simply "going to work", it's training to be put in harms way and most likely training to go to another country where you will be shot at, etc.).
That all said, you are JUST BEGINNING your military career and haven't even really gotten into the real bulk of what military life entails. Long hours (sometimes, long years) away from family, living in a very machismo/male dominated organization that expects you to work harder to escape the stereotypes women tend to endure (at least, that's been MY experience: all the women I served with were tough as nails, but they had to work harder than I did ONLY because of the perception that women can't hack it like men do). Oh, and stability? LMAO. Maybe things have changed since I left the service almost 10 years ago, but even if my contract said "X", the military can (and does) often demand "Y". Sooooo, that military intelligence job they promised you? That housing they promised you in Hawaii? Yeah.....it's all at the whim of the government. I have some stories to share....but that's for another forum  My point is the military is about as far from stable as you can get.
In other words, it doesn't sound like either of you were really prepared for what a military lifestyle is all about. To have smooched another person after such a miniscule level of stress and solitude (compared to what will most likely be in your military future) SHOULD concern your husband. I'm not saying that to be mean, but I know I would be concerned, having gone through all of that myself, if my wife began smooching other people after such a short period of time/stress. If I am your husband, I have to think to myself: "After being away for less than two months and not even being under fire/in danger....my wife smooched some guy. What happens when she goes away for advanced training and is gone for 6 months? What happens when she is sent overseas for a year?" 
Some things to think about maybe.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Solid advice given....kill the volunteering no matter what.

If those work hours are required, there is nothing you can do. If you are working extra hours to get ahead, stop that now. The more time you can spend with your husband doing positive things, the better.

Solid advice given yet again...actions. Words are nothing. Make time for him. Do things together. You can pack a lunch and go have a picnic for really cheap assuming money is the issue.

Are you avoiding discussion of your affair? You cannot tell him enough how sorry you are. If you are cooking dinner and look at him and the pain of what you did to him hits you...go to him immediately and thank him for giving you the chance to show the man you love more than anything how sorry you are.

Do you consider a kiss an affair? He does. We do. If you don't or didn't, it is coming through to him. Trust me, if he was lip locked with a woman...you would think it was an affair.

The very reason he can't dust himself off and get a job going may be that kiss. You cannot imagine the pain such an act brings to the BS (betrayed spouse). So exquisite is the pain, just one kiss, can kill a relationship. Add to that you working, him not working and the general crap of being in a new place and, well, my heart bleeds for him.

Talk to him. Re-examine yourself, your behavior and see where you can up your game (a choice of words, this is not a game).

Good luck to you. Let us know how it is going for you.

PS-I try to assume the entire truth is given so it was only a kiss. The odds your husband thinks that or can embrace that are not good. If there was more, he knows it. Tell him the truth if you want any chance of saving your marriage. Hell, tell him the truth so the poor man can move on with his life, with or without you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You should know that you can't BS us. We know that "kiss" is code. So, what did you really do with the other guy? Are you still in contact with him? I highly doubt that your husband believes it was just a kiss. But you can't really prove that his assumptions are false. Also, what happens if you get deployed. I mean, you're not really trustworthy at this point are you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh, geez. Just had a thought. It's possible that every time he kisses you, or thinks of kissing you, he sees a mind movie of you kissing that other man.

If so, he might need therapy.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

In his mind his manhood is at an all time low. 

His new wife makes out with another man after only two months away from him. I'm sure he thinks it was more than a kiss, which is natural. Was it more than that? 

You said he "found out" what you did. So you didn't confess to him. How did he find out? When he asked what you did - did you confess or try to lie and minimize what happened?

He can't find a job. 

He does not feel like much of a man. Now you are working 50-60 hrs a week and volunteering on top of that. He feels like you do not want to spend time with him. Do you? If you do, knock off the volunteer work and spend more time with him. Your actions would indicate that you do not enjoy time with your husband.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Wingingit, how is it going?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I have 39 years in the military and I have seen it all. A kiss is typical code for we had sex. Your husband's response is that he feels that there was more. Both of you can get through this but I am not sure you are telling us everything. Feel free to do so because no one here knows you. We can take the truth.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> I have 39 years in the military and I have seen it all. A kiss is typical code for we had sex. Your husband's response is that he feels that there was more. Both of you can get through this but I am not sure you are telling us everything. Feel free to do so because no one here knows you. We can take the truth.


And are FAR more likely to help if we feel we have it.


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Oh, geez. Just had a thought. It's possible that every time he kisses you, or thinks of kissing you, he sees a mind movie of you kissing that other man.
> 
> If so, he might need therapy.


this would be true for me


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