# Am I wrong?



## shrutib (Dec 8, 2009)

Hi,
I am Shruti from Pune Maharashtra. I am a primary school teacher.
I am 42 years old and i have a daughter who is 15 years old.
Before marriage i was school teacher in a village at my native place.
After marriage i came to Pune. My family who stay in village (MIL, BIL, his wife) are very traditional.
They insist that after marriage, lady has to wear only saree.
As i am in Pune, i wear salwar kameez and nightie along with saree. As i am a school teacher, i have to wear saree always in school. And i have got no problem with it.
My husband has got no problem. He never complained about it.
Two months back i stitched a sleeveless salwar kameez. MY hubby was knowing about it. But he was not knowing its sleeveless.
And i did not find necessity of telling him about it.
Few days back, while going out in the evening with him, i wore that sleeveless salwar kameez.
As i came out of my room, he saw me wearing sleeveless and started shouting at me. It was unexpected reaction.
Moreover he canceled the program of going out. I know my inlaws will not accept it, but ny husbands reaction was surprising for me.
The only good thing was it did not happen in front of our 15 years old daughter.
Have i done anything wrong?

Regards,
Shruti


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## Mogget (Nov 26, 2009)

It sounds as though your husband is also very traditional and when you intended to go out wearing a sleeveless outfit he was shocked and reacted very badly. 

Maybe once he has calmed down you can talk to him and ask him why he got so upset - is it being sleeveless that is just unacceptable, or is it because he was so shocked?

While I would not normally say to check with your husband about what you are allowed to wear, you are part of a very traditional culture and have a very traditional family - and it might be the simplest course for you to ask him what sort of outfits he is comfortable seeing you wear in public, and whether he can be more relaxed about what you wear at home. Perhaps he can be gradually made more comfortable with the idea if he sees you in outfits at home and gets used to them.


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## shrutib (Dec 8, 2009)

Hi,
Thanks for reply.
Now what shld be my next step?
Should i first talk to him or should i start wearing sleeveless at home (May be in bedroom while sleeping). Is it ok?
Please guide. Also i dont want this should affect my daughter.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

This is tough....I'm an American, so of course I think you should wear whatever you want.

I understand that you live in a different culture. Perhaps it was the concept of him seeing you go out in public sleeveless that was the problem? If that is the case, just wear your traditional outfit when in public.

And no, you are not wrong.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

No, you are not wrong. Talk with your husband and find out if it's okay to wear it alone, in your bedroom. If it's not okay with him, find out what is. Perhaps short sleeve, or 3/4 length sleeve would be okay for him. 

In America, we do wear what we want, but sometimes our husbands complain too. For example, mini skirts for me are a no-no unless I'm on a "date" with him and it's somewhere "okay" to dress like that. I understand why he has those concerns and will work with him so that he feels comfortable and I can still dress how I feel is stylish for me.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You write nicely in English! Welcome to our board.

As for your question: It is so different in America, that's for sure. I agree that discussing this with your husband would be best. Be sure to explain that because he was comfortable with you wearing the salwar kameez, you thought the sleeveless one would be ok. Ask him if he needs to see you in it at home first, or if he will always be uncomfortable with the sleeveless one. 

It is proper for a husband to yell at his wife in your culture? You could ask him to express his surprise and displeasure in a respectful way-let him know that he does not have to yell for you to respect what he has to say. Does he want his daughter to think it is ok for a man to yell at her? He will be teaching her that it is ok if he does it to you--because kids know and hear things even if they think we don't. 

How do you usually work out differences with your husband?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Being from the US, there are obviously cultural differences so I have no idea what is acceptable in your case as far as wearing something sleeveless in public.

I guess I am surprised at his reaction. If he did not approve, why not simply request that you change into long sleeves? I would ask him since he sees you making the salwar kameez and did not seem to disapprove, what is acceptable and/or not in his eyes.

I am more surprised that instead of asking that you change clothes, that he cancelled the entire evening. Seems to be an over-reaction in my opinion, but again not familiar with your culture.


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## shrutib (Dec 8, 2009)

Hi,
Thanks for the responses.
I accept my family is traditional. My inlaws will never accept it. Also my brother in law's wife who stays with inlaws at village wears only saree. 
As i stay in Pune, as per the culture in metro i started wearing salwar kameez. So i thought of wearing sleeveless> but my husbands reaction was shocking. From that day, i did not dare to do anything different in dressing or hair style.
Is it ok if i wear it in bedroom one night without asking him? 
The imporatnt thing is i dont want this to affect my daughter.


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## shrutib (Dec 8, 2009)

HI,
Please reply


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Honestly, I'm not sure if you would want to wear it alone in the bedroom or not. Most American husbands love to be surprised with their wives wearing sexy lingerie to bed. I think if it was in the privacy of your own room it would be okay, but maybe it would be confusing for your husband?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Since he reacted on the extreme side with the sleeveless, I would ask him how he felt about wearing it in the bedroom only and/or in the home. I suppose it comes down to doing it anyway as a show of your independence vs. asking him as a show of respect for his opinion.


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## shrutib (Dec 8, 2009)

Thanks for the replies.
Actually i did not think that removing sleeves will create such a drama. Also i dont want affect this my daughter. So please giveme a good solution where 3 of us will be happy. OR should i keep away thought of wearing such dresses?
Waiting for your reply.

Regards,
Shruti


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## shrutib (Dec 8, 2009)

Hi,

Please reply


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

just try talking about your feelings, his feelings, tradition and where you both stand on this issue and then come up with a comprimise so both of you will be happy.......
I'm sure there will be issues that are more important to him as time passes in your marriage, working out a solution is the answer for the whole family
good luck


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