# Benefits of having a WS



## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

I have a spouse who is having an affair.
(working on gathering the evidence)

So much of it sucks and drains my energy that I thought I'd post the positives of this happening to me.

1) lost weight

2) motivated big time to improve my work situation 

3) new focus on making sure kids are happy and healthy.
You realize how much time and energy is put into ws and how much you have been subtracting from quality time w kids to do so

4) style makeover!
I always made sure my wife had what she wanted before me

5) the excitement of hitting the reset button with new knowledge of what you want and what you are willing to put up with out of life.
Basically, you are in a place to let your head choose a path ALONG with your heart, as opposed to just your heart

I dunno.
So many negatives to this ws, was,affairs, cheating, ILYBNILWY
Crap that I wanted to focus on the positive things that will happen while I (we) go thru this.

Good luck to all, and to all some good luck.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Also, more sleep cause sex goes out the window!!!
*hahahahahaha-sigh*


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I've lost 55 pounds since end of october and look fabulous. I am no longer the "fat b1tch". He still needs to look in the mirror to see his frank and beans. [email protected], he makes me look good.

I make more eye contact.

I think about just me more than I have in the last 22 years.

I see things more clearly.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> I've lost 55 pounds since end of october and look fabulous. I am no longer the "fat b1tch". He still needs to look in the mirror to see his frank and beans. [email protected], he makes me look good.
> 
> I make more eye contact.
> 
> ...



55 lbs?!

Geez that may be the ultimate payback!
Having him see you drop weight and lookin good!
If you have moved onward and upward in other areas,
Well now that is salt-in-his wound!


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

I went from a size 36 waist to size 32's being baggy on me and
needing a belt.

That being said, I can honestly say that I see no benefit what so ever in
having a WS. I wish to god all of this BS never would've happened
in the first place, as I was much happier when I was dull and naive.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

cantthinkstraight said:


> I went from a size 36 waist to size 32's being baggy on me and
> needing a belt.
> 
> That being said, I can honestly say that I see no benefit what so ever in
> ...



Yeah. Benefit might have been the wrong word.
Just havin a bad day and tryin to perk myself up.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> 55 lbs?!
> 
> Geez that may be the ultimate payback!
> Having him see you drop weight and lookin good!
> ...


Yes, 55 pounds and dropping. :smthumbup: Actually, he has no idea. He has not seen me since the day he said "I want a divorce".


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Yes... the 'restart button'. You get a free pass to redefine what you will tolerate in a relationship. They don't seem to get this when they come weasling back either. You set that bar a lot higher than they had become accustomed to and slowly lowered over the years. Now there is no reason to accept less.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

LanieB said:


> I HAD to read this thread! "BENEFITS of having a WS"?? WTH?!!! Thanks for making me laugh, Keepin-my-head-up! OK, let's see if I can find some positives . . . I used to put everyone else first and myself dead-last. Now my kids still come first, then me, and now my WH is dead-last! I was also too busy to really care too much about my appearance - I mean, I always looked pretty good - - but now I make sure that every single day I look DAMN good! Ha!
> 
> And as my WH and I are attempting to reconcile, I'm actually working really hard on ways to improve my marriage - which I'd never done before. IF my husband can stay away from the OW and really wants only me, then hopefully we'll come out of this with a stronger relationship . . . . . . maybe . . . . .



_Posted via M
obile Device_

You go gurl!
Get your sexy back!
(People still say that right?)

Thanks for getting the gist of the thread.
Sometimes u gotta look on the bright side o life.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> _Posted via M
> obile Device_
> 
> You go gurl!
> ...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One of the benifits of having a wayward spouse is now that she can be sexually honest with me I now know how she likes to be treated in a back ally or in the back of a car!

I deffinatly raises the kink level, but thats how I'm wired. And finally she is no longer ashamed of her need to be treated the way she likes being treated. so this is a benifit to both of us.

But specifically it benifits me personally that she now only wants me to treat her this way in a healthy commited relationship!


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

the guy said:


> One of the benifits of having a wayward spouse is now that she can be sexually honest with me I now know how she likes to be treated in a back ally or in the back of a car!
> 
> I deffinatly raises the kink level, but thats how I'm wired. And finally she is no longer ashamed of her need to be treated the way she likes being treated. so this is a benifit to both of us.
> 
> But specifically it benifits me personally that she now only wants me to treat her this way in a healthy commited relationship!


You know what?
If it works for you that is friggin awesome!
I would love for my sex life to rev up a notch or two but ain't that lucky my friend.

We can dwell on the bad, but eventually we need to grow man!
Look at what we got out of it!

My sick way of healing


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Infidelity is devastating but I 'get' where your coming from.
We have been reconciling for 11months.
For me, the benefits?
No longer feeling guilty for having 'me' time and doing what I want when I want. I do it in a respectful way of course, but, guilt free!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Did you sacrifice a lot Daisy?

I mean before you knew of affair.
Did you give and give?
Sense that something was missing?

I am going to read your post and am glad to hear you are taking time for yourself!

I hope the best, I really do and just want you to know that you gaining personal time friggin rocks!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Yes I think I did.
3 children and working full time, and an elderly father to look after, I put my needs last. I'm a pleaser and always found it difficult to say no.
Now I don't feel guilty about that. I now realise that I deserve time to myself even if its a keep fit class or an hour reading my book.
I want to say though, I think a lot of the guilt came from within for some reason, and wasn't necessarily put in me by my H. It was more of a guilt from what I thought was expected from me rather than was placed on me. Does that make sense?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

..... And yes I did sense something wasn't right. After 17 years of marriage I knew something wasn't right but couldn't put my finger on it. H had got himself deep into an EA with a co worker that progressed with the speed of light in just 6'weeks, and so started my nightmare!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

KMHU, you mentioned she went to jail. Was she into drugs ?


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

No, embezzlement.

Killer job with 6 figures.
I was going for my masters..

And it all came-a-tumbling-down.
Funny thing tho, we found out after the fact that if she had admitted drug use, she could have got a lighter sentence with a rehab stint subtracting a few months..


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Must be hard though. From a 6 figure salary to working at fast food centers... Quite a fall. 

Her professional career is dead now unless she starts her own business.

Did you lose respect for her as a person after this ?


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

not an ideal way to lose weight. just my opinion.


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> I have a spouse who is having an affair.
> (working on gathering the evidence)
> 
> So much of it sucks and drains my energy that I thought I'd post the positives of this happening to me.
> ...


I love your approach, and it is what every BS needs to do to get through the worst experience of their lives. There are benefits, believe it or not. 

For me. major benefit was finally being rid of someone who "pretended" to love me, and being able to learn that there is a world full of people who would actually LOVE ME for real. When I finally experienced being "loved and wanted" again, my satisfaction for life increased immensely.

THe unfortunate effect was my new jaded understanding about people. While this is unfortunate, it is also necessary to live fully in "reality". There are many people who will lie, cheat and take advantage of you, and that is just how the world is created. I learned to look beyond what people say, and hence, I find myself in perhaps another relationship with a cheater, but this time I am "eyes open" and on guard, and ready to respond if it is proven.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Ever-Man said:


> I love your approach, and it is what every BS needs to do to get through the worst experience of their lives. There are benefits, believe it or not.
> 
> For me. major benefit was finally being rid of someone who "pretended" to love me, and being able to learn that there is a world full of people who would actually LOVE ME for real. When I finally experienced being "loved and wanted" again, my satisfaction for life increased immensely.
> 
> THe unfortunate effect was my new jaded understanding about people. While this is unfortunate, it is also necessary to live fully in "reality". There are many people who will lie, cheat and take advantage of you, and that is just how the world is created. I learned to look beyond what people say, and hence, I find myself in perhaps another relationship with a cheater, but this time I am "eyes open" and on guard, and ready to respond if it is proven.


I am getting to the point pdq of living for me and realizing what I want.
Let me ask tho. 
Is it just as bad a feeling going thru a (possible) affair the 2nd time as the first?

Yes, crappy way to lose weight.
But at least its going down while I go thru this.
I mean, better thn gaining or staying the same as Im gonna go thru it
One way or the other.

And I have only recently begun to lose respect for her.
I spose I am codependent.
Funny thing, I remember learning about that in intro psych class
And actually thought it wasn't really a negative!
Boom, learn the hardway I tellz ya!

But I have kids so I cannot lose to much respect for her,
I actually would like her to end up w a nice guy (or girl!)
So my kids can adjust at a better pace
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Lost a lot of weight – I call it the BS Diet or Mushroom Diet as being kept in the dark and fed bull-sh!t all day for so long caused me to lose my appetite.

I bought a new wardrobe to accommodate the weight loss changes. Something about new everything feels good.

My bathroom stays cleaner – no hair shavings all over the sink, the toilet seat stays down on weekends and the (sorry I know it’s gross) pee smell two days after cleaning that comes with living with a bunch of boys including a fully grown man-child is no longer.

I play my music as loud as I want EVERY DAY without having it turned down behind me when I leave the room.

I don’t have to kiss my MILs ass any more. I also named my second child exactly what I wanted to, without having to consider her opinion (I still honoured her with his middle name though because I’m nice like that).

I have realized who my real friends are in this world and have cut ties with the fake ones.

I am a lot gentler with myself than I used to be. No more blaming me and reading up on every relationship book/manual to fix something in me that isn’t broken in order to please someone who is.

I’d never wish to be a single mom but having raised my second child all alone from day 1, I am a VERY confident mother. I know what every sound or cry means, there is no second guessing or feeling overwhelmed like when I had my first. 

This past weekend was a long weekend for us and I finally mustered up the energy to rearrange and reorganize my house the way I wanted it - even making changes I wanted to make for years but was shot down by him when I suggested them.

Of course there are cons and I’ve had depression and other anxieties as a result. Some days the sun shines brighter than others but even when I’m really, really down, it’s better than being lied to and patronized.


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## NotSo (Jul 23, 2012)

This is actually a good post - all you get on here is the destruction of people's lives. For 9 months I have thought my life was destroyed, and the truth is, what I thought was a good life was actually pretty sh1tty.

My WW and myself had sex maybe 4-6 times per year for several years, our growing apart led to many weekends just staying in, me watching TV and her reading her fantasy novels (her alone time) and who knows whatever else she was doing. Our vacations were with family, none just the two of us. We both were couch potatoes, gaining weight, very little physical activity by either of us.

After 9 months and an agreement of mediation D, I am now getting through the darkest hours. YES, I still have triggers and the occasional adrenalin rush; I still get sad because what I knew so well was gone, therefore I am seeing a counselor to help cope. I now go out with friends, and stay out too late sometimes, meeting different people/females. I am lifting weights and watch what and how much I am eating - BECAUSE, I have a life to live. Someone out there will be willing to return the love and affection I have to offer. So I am getting ready for her, I look forward to meeting her and taking her places, doing things with her that my wife of 20 years refused me the previous 5-7 years of our marriage. Yeah, I'm getting ready for her.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

cledus_snow said:


> not an ideal way to lose weight. just my opinion.


Amen brother.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> Lost a lot of weight – I call it the BS Diet or Mushroom Diet as being kept in the dark and fed bull-sh!t all day for so long caused me to lose my appetite.
> 
> I bought a new wardrobe to accommodate the weight loss changes. Something about new everything feels good.
> 
> ...


Amen mis-taken!

The lies are the WORST!
U don't love me? Well that sucks but fine!
I mean that rreeeaaaallllly sucks but ok.


Why lie?
You know where all this is going to lead right?
Even if u don't, I am dying inside to get u to just admit what we both already know!
If u confess we can move on or separate but at least there will be some sanity and soul left in me!

Whew. Went off the deep end there.

Congrats on everything u have done so far mizzz taken.
And remember

We accept the love we think we deserve
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Loyal Lover (Jan 30, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> I've lost 55 pounds since end of october and look fabulous. I am no longer the "fat b1tch". He still needs to look in the mirror to see his frank and beans. [email protected], he makes me look good.
> 
> I make more eye contact.
> 
> ...


Please carry a camera with you and take a picture when he finally sees you and post a new thread. I shall subscribe to that thread! @[email protected]

Sorry about your situation  But congrats on the weight loss.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

LanieB said:


> Nope, it's not an IDEAL diet plan - but it does end up being a 'plus' for some people! Just tryin' to look at the bright side here, any way we can, right? Might as well find SOMETHING positive in all the horror! :smthumbup:


Exactamundo!
By no means are we happy to be going thru what we are going thru.
so, maybe this helps a wee bit when u need a lil light.
Either way.
I love calling it the "mushroom diet"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

I can set the thermostat where I damn well please


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

I call it the Forrest Gump lifestyle. I finally understood why Forrest needed to run so badly and could not stop. I feel like that A LOT!


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Loyal Lover said:


> Please carry a camera with you and take a picture when he finally sees you and post a new thread. I shall subscribe to that thread! @[email protected]
> 
> Sorry about your situation  But congrats on the weight loss.


yeah, if I could somehow cause his face to permenantly freeze in that expression.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I built a mancave in my house, I also converted the 2 car garage in my house to a gym... 

I also don't get bi*ched at for leaving dirty clothes on the bathroom floor or stubble in the sink.

I also get lots of "likes" on a internet infidelity forum because i've become an unwilling 'expert' on betrayal. 

*edit* almost forgot, I rid myself of the 5 stinking cats she had.

lol.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I built a mancave in my house, I also converted the 2 car garage in my house to a gym...
> 
> I also don't get bi*ched at for leaving dirty clothes on the bathroom floor or stu
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_

LoL!
Classic! I love the line:
"I get a lot of likes on an internet infidelity board"

Brother, ur sense of humor is awesome!


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

LanieB said:


> I should also add that when WH and I were separated, I LOVED getting to sleep in the middle of the bed and not have to listen to his SNORING!!! I have a king-size bed, and I slept all over that thing! (at least during the times I could actually sleep . . . ) Now he's back, and I have to sleep only on my half of the bed . . . . and get to listen to the snoring again.


Some women think snoring is manly and sexy!
(Repeat til u believe lanie!)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> *edit* almost forgot, I rid myself of the 5 stinking cats she had.
> 
> lol.


That, in itself, is almost worth the price of admission, imo. My stbx bred and showed the darned things. Expensive, stinky hobby.

I'm not against one or two, but she's had over 20 at a time. I called her a "cat collector", lol.

She's thinned the herd over the last 2 years - they took up too much of her time that could be used to whisper sweet nothings into OM's ear.


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> I am getting to the point pdq of living for me and realizing what I want.
> Let me ask tho.
> Is it just as bad a feeling going thru a (possible) affair the 2nd time as the first?
> 
> ...


To disconnect from someone you love is a "process", they are your special person, and you developed great emotional attachment to them, THAT IS THE POINT of a committed relationship. Unfortunately, the betrayed spouse falls out of love after the WS, and is always playing catch-up, in "reactive" mode. 

What I am going through now with my second wife, I am not sure what to make of it yet, since I do not know if anything is happening yet. I just have a gut feeling and some strong circumstantial red flags. In the end, it is just as bad, I feel just as sick as with the first, when I convince myself she is unfaithful; and when I am proven wrong, I am exceptionally relieved. 

One problem; I honestly question my judgement since I have been through this before and may have PTSD. There are equally likely explanations for the "red flags" I am seeing, and I need to be as "reserved" as I can, emotionally controlled and logical, so I do not jump to conclusions. 

Going on TAM to brain-storm with other victims of WS can skew one to the paranoid side, and I suspect some posters on TAM like to feed paranoia, and sell their books, though it is few, it seems most are completely earnest.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

old timer said:


> That, in itself, is almost worth the price of admission, imo. My stbx bred and showed the darned things. Expensive, stinky hobby.
> 
> I'm not against one or two, but she's had over 20 at a time. I called her a "cat collector", lol.


No, no... Here's the kicker....

She has a mild form of OCD, so generally speaking she was ok at keeping up with these things (pre-affair) even though there were 5 of them, the litter boxes and what not...

As I mentioned in that "never say never" thread... one of the primary characteristics to someone in heavy fog is that they loss any interest in day-to-day management of their lives and become so focused on thier "fix" that everything else falls to the wayside...

It got to the point she was keeping these monsters on the back patio and they were puking and sh*tting EVERYWHERE. I tried to change the litter and keep up, but it overwelmed me and they WERE NOT my cats... So, you can NOT imagine how disgusting it got. She refused to go out there for the most part and was far to obsessed with her fog... I shiver to even think about or describe it. 

Long story short, 3 of them DIED! from sicknesses of some sort (young cats). and when they finally left, I had to tear up all the carpeting and re-do the whole patio area.

sad and disgusting state of "affair"s (lol)

I usta actually like cats, they can be nice pets. I've had a few in my pre-married life. she broke me of that. I want nothing to do them anymore. ever.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> No, no... Here's the kicker....
> 
> She has a mild form of OCD, so generally speaking she was ok at keeping up with these things (pre-affair) even though there were 5 of them, the litter boxes and what not...
> 
> ...


The symbolism in that exchange!
And no longer having to put up with ur ex's cats.

And for the ladies
I raised chickens so my stbx no longer has to deal w my rooster

Ok, all balanced out!

Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> The symbolism in that exchange!
> And no longer having to put up with ur ex's cats.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


lol. yeah, her pu$$y made a real mess of my life and phucked up my carpets to boot. 

Meh. LMAO.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Hey everyone- Think of how good its gonna feel when it stops hurting!!!!!!:rofl:

Fun fact about infidelity # 9,342- Now Youre prepared and can endure just about ANYTHING!!!!! I mean afterall, you've been shot point blank right between the eyes and lived to tell about it.


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## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

honestly, now that I'm almost 2 years out past DDay and on the road to divorce, I see the benefit of having been a BS as much as it hurt then and it hurts now. 

1) I am going through counseling and I am learning so much about myself. I am also learning to love me and be by myself and everyone who doesn't like it can f right off and I'm cool with that. I am learning to set boundaries with people and not let anyone walk all over me. 

2) I actually have time for hobbies instead of rushing home after work to have dinner on the table by the time H came through the door. 

3) I actually have time for friends because of 2) above and because I don't have to explain where I am every second of every day (while he went over to the OW's house pretending he was involved in "charity work":rofl:

Being put in the position of being a BS, as humiliating, traumatic and painful as it was made me realize I deserve better, I can do better and I was shortchanging myself big time by staying in the relationship.

ETA: WS isn't going to get any of the above benefits because he refuses to go to counseling because he doesn't see that he did anything wrong. In his eyes, his actions were justified because I wasn't quite fitting his mold of an ideal woman. So he is doomed to repeat this cycle over and over until he gets it. HA!


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> No, no... Here's the kicker....
> 
> She has a mild form of OCD, so generally speaking she was ok at keeping up with these things (pre-affair) even though there were 5 of them, the litter boxes and what not...
> 
> ...


Mine has SEVERE OCD. She still spends one day/week cleaning up after the cats - they have two 500sqft rooms (complete with a dedicated A/C system, individual cages, bathing and grooming area - all of which I built for her, sigh). She only uses one room now since the OM and thinning of the herd.

Her disinterest in day-to-day life is at the expense of our kids and GC. Will not return her children's calls or texts (says they never call unless they WANT something...duh), never wants to go to GC's Bday parties, etc. 

Yes, it is a _"sad and disgusting state of "affair"s"_.

I shouldn't be so critical...if you overlook the OCD, borderline personality disorder, vicious temper, savage tongue, inferiority complex, unpredictable mood swings, etc - she's actually a very sweet and likeable person.

:banghead:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I don't suppose several months of mild erectile dysfunction after her affair ended counts as a benefit, hah? No. I thought not!


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I don't suppose several months of mild erectile dysfunction after her affair ended counts as a benefit, hah? No. I thought not!


Possibly - if you are a masochist


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I don't suppose several months of mild erectile dysfunction after her affair ended counts as a benefit, hah? No. I thought not!


Screwed over so bad ur p*n** got scared.
Maybe it needed a break which...
Would be a benefit for it!!
Yeah! There u go. 
And no such thing as "mild ed"
But the good news is its back right?
to much johnson talk? 
How bout that football game eh!? (Manly segway)
LoL
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Yeah - how bout them Braves


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

SecretTears said:


> honestly, now that I'm almost 2 years out past DDay and on the road to divorce, I see the benefit of having been a BS as much as it hurt then and it hurts now.
> 
> 1) I am going through counseling and I am learning so much about myself. I am also learning to love me and be by myself and everyone who doesn't like it can f right off and I'm cool with that. I am learning to set boundaries with people and not let anyone walk all over me.
> 
> ...


Wow! I know about the explaining where u are at all times thing

In fact, its when she doesn't ask that I know something is up.
How long have u been apart?
And doesn't it feel weird and thn freakin awesome to start doing what you want?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

old timer said:


> Yeah - how bout them Braves


You know.
I used to be a big time Braves fan back in the Dale Murphy days.
Peaked at the Dave Justice homer
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Wow! I know about the explaining where u are at all times thing
> 
> In fact, its when she doesn't ask that I know something is up.
> How long have u been apart?
> ...


We tried R from May 2011 to November 2012 when he decided he was done with the relationship. I moved out at the beginning of Dec 2012. So we actually haven't been separated that long in terms of months but in my head it feels like forever. 

Sometimes i get so exhilarated and I get such a rush of freedom knowing I can do what I want when I want without having to justify it to anyone (for example I just booked a girls weekend away in May and I am so incredibly excited and giddy about it, first real trip since the S). 

But sometimes I feel lost, like I'm just floating out here aimlessly by myself in this big anonymous world. I don't have a large family and I don't have many friends so right now it's just me by myself with no one to really count on. I know it will get better when I make more friends (boy am I feeling optimistic today :smthumbup


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