# need womans perspective



## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

I need a woman's perspective on my situation.

Wife and I have been married for 12 years and have 3 kids under 5. We have been through a lot of challenges together that everyone has said should have ended our marriage long ago. We lost our first child at the age of 3. My wife sought counseling and I dealt with it on my own. Neither of us have ever addressed it together. Her father passed away shortly prior to that and they were very close. Life has definitely had its challenges. We married when she was 18 and I was 22. We currently have 3 year old twins and a 5 year old. This has been a challenge as well. We both work full time and my job frequently requires me to work long hours.

I have always had a short temper and unfortunately she took the brunt of my anger. I have never physically abused her and never would. Verbally I have and I regret what I have said. I have since learned to deal with my anger and not take it out on her or the kids. My last outburst resulted due to emails I found on her phone which I was offended by. The explanation is in the infinity forum. I called her ever inappropriate name I could think of and unfortunately the kids were present at times. I have tried to explain to her how her actions hurt me. I truly do love her and want nothing more than for her to be happy.

Since that last incident she has asked for time apart to think about whether or not she wants to stay married. She no longer feels the emotion in our relationship. She says she loves me but doesn't know if she can ever move past what I have done. She has never been an emotional person which has always bothered me. She says I knew that when we married and she isn't going to.change. it hurts me because I have explained to her how much it means to me but she doesn't seem to care.

I have tried everything to make things better with her and nothing seems to work. I am to the point where I am just going to give up and let her go. I don't want to but I don't know what else to do. 

Sorry for the long post. I just need a woman's perspective on whether or not what I have done is something she can ever move past?


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## angelsmilk (Aug 9, 2011)

I haven't been married close to that long but I can tell you that as a woman, I am stubborn, and I do not forget. It sounds like your wife is right there with me. It's really hard to let go of a bad memory, especially if she feels embarrassed in front of her children or in general. I think it might help if you can express to her that you realize that you may have hurt her a little deeper than you'd like to admit. 

I also find that I am a lot more likely to get along with my husband when I see him doing things that are good for HIM. Take care of yourself, not to offend, but shower, look good, excercise, BE A GREAT DAD! Take the kids out and bring mom back a present. Although she may not be very emotional...maybe she has just forgotten what it feels like to love. And the yelling and your temper may drown it out more. Try a month where you guys have friday night dates..just you and her...it seems like you really love her...you should show her


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It takes about 10 positive things to even begin to let go of one negative thing.


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## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

I have told her how truly sorry I am for what I said in the past. It breaks my heart knowing that I put someone I love through that. She tells me I am a great dad. All I have ever done is try to take care of the little things so she doesn't have to. In my opinion I am not just the typical dad. I do laundry, clean the house, bathe the kids. Not that she doesn't help but even after a 14 hour day at work I still do all of those things to make her life easier. None of our kids sleep well in the mornings. I have been getting up with them every weekend so she can sleep. I haven't slept past 5 am in years. This is after getting up at 3:30 every day for work. Not that I am complaining, I do these things because I want her to be happy. I just am at a loss as far as what else I can possible do. I constantly tell her and show her how much I love her and how much she means to me. She is so stubborn it drives me insane.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Every woman is different.

I am the type that you can literally tell me off 10 different ways and damn me to hell & back, call me _____ and I'll make up with you the next day-if I feel your heart is right & you aren't Bsing me, but I may only give you X amount of tries to make the same mistake before I think you are incapable of change. 

Most of my girlfriends are SO NOT LIKE THIS, they hold grudges, everything offends them, they cut people off, it accually drives ME a little nuts cause I end up being in the middles of their squabbles they can't get past with each other, trying to be the peacemaker. "Words" -gotta use wisely with women. Most don't forget. 

I agree for every slam, you need to make up for it with another 10 or so positive & uplifting comments generally. 

Try the Love Dare - Amazon.com: The Love Dare (9780805448856): Stephen Kendrick, Alex Kendrick: Books


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## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

I have tried everything i can think of to make up for my past mistakes. I feel as though she is at the point where she just doesnt care to put any effort into solving the problem. She has a list of things that i needed to change about myself yet she has told me she is not going to change. All i have asked of her is to show an ounce of emotion occasionally. She doesnt understand that when someone feels like the love in a relationship in once sided it can drive that person insane. She just turned 30 and her idea of a sex life is once a month when she doesnt have a headache. Yet when i am out of town working she is quick to put her toys to use. All i hear is that i have kept her from being able to go out and enjoy life, When she is incapable of ever showing me any sort of affection, how am I expected to not be jealous and insecure when she constantly wants to go "hang out with friends" She asked me to move out while she has time to think about things. Her timing was horrible becasue last week she had her boobs done. Of cource last minute she realized she still needed me around to help out with the kids. I stayed to help because I truly do love her and wanted to make sure she was ok. I catered to her every need from wednesday thru sunday. Part of it in the hope that she would change her mind. That plan didnt work and now I am living out of a dump of a hotel. I keep trying to hold on to the hope but i feel like I just need to give up.


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## rtd2wars (Aug 11, 2011)

I can understand your wives point on view. You might not have hurt physically, but I think that you emotionally hurt her. You expect her to go back to the same person she was, but in reality she may never be the same. 
It is also not fair for you to keep punishing yourself. Learn from this experience, so in your next relationship you will not carry this kind of emotional baggage. 
For the sake of your children work on youself first and if she want to continue the marriage she will stay, but otherwise you can't make her change her mind.


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## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

I feel like I have just been used. This last week has shown met that. She tells me she wants it to work but she doesn't know how to get the feeling back. Then she says she was never that person so it isn't going to happen. She has an excuse for everything and places all of the blame for everything on me. Her recent emotional affair was no big deal according to her. She just likes making friends with guys. As long as she didn't do anything physical with him I shouldn't be mad about it. This is the some woman who never shows emotion yet had no problem doing it with a complete stranger. I think she is just in denial and the truth will come out sooner or later. The whole verbal abuse is just her scapegoat.


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