# "wishy washy!!!!"



## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Bottom line:

I can't deal with the hurt of being in this marriage anymore. But I can't seem to deal with the hurt of getting out of it either.....

I am a flake. I always second guess myself. I have the hardest time knowing what it is I REALLY want. I think I want something, and the second I start to get it I wonder if it's what I really want. It's like that in more than just my relationship....that's happened in my career choices too. 

What is wrong with me???????


----------



## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

Afraid to make a decision might mean you're afraid of failure? But of course, not making a choice is actually a choice. You are choosing inaction over action to avoid being disappointed or hurt and to avoid making a bad decision. 
Second guessing yourself is different from avoiding choices. Second guessing is normal I think for any big decision in life. 

Wish i had a better answer...I'd love to know where the wishy-washy thing comes from. My husband's ex is so freaking wishy-washy it's ridiculous. Can't make a decision and stick with it to save her life. 
She has lost many great opportunities due to her inability to commit to one choice. I feel sorry for those who can't just make a choice and go into it with their whole heart. I've had days like that and it stinks but I couldn't imagine having a whole lifetime filled with uncertainty.


----------



## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

I've always said loss and failure were my two biggest fears. 

I'm not really one to NOT choose anything, but I second guess myself all the time. I do follow through, and usually come out on the other end just fine. It's just the struggle to get there that kills me. 

I feel like I've fought all I can to save my marriage. I am so drained from it all I really don't think I have anything left to give. But there is still that little voice that says, "you are weak if you don't try again." And by that it means begging my husband to change his mind and try again too. Begging has worked in the past.

God, I'm pathetic! I get so mad at myself for being so dayum pitiful!


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

TemperToo said:


> Bottom line:
> 
> *I can't deal with the hurt of being in this marriage anymore. But I can't seem to deal with the hurt of getting out of it either.....
> 
> ...


The words in bold are the words in your self-talk that need to change. Stop telling yourself you "can't," stop telling yourself you "never," stop calling yourself a "flake," stop telling yourself there's something "wrong" with you.

The rest of what you say here is realistic, observations about your patterns, what you do. Normal. Manageable.

You're going to feel this way sometimes. I empathize, I go through similar self-defeating thoughts A LOT of the time.

You sound like a loving, caring mother. If you wouldn't want someone talking to your kids like that, why would you talk to yourself like that? You're just as important and valuable as any of your kids, so you deserve the same love and care.

To admit a character "flaw" and a desire to grow from it--that is a sign of STRENGTH, not weakness. Give yourself credit.

To draw a line at unacceptable, "abusive" behavior for yourself and your kids--is a sign of STRENGTH and courage.

Of course you're going to second-guess. Parts of you love parts of your husband. But do all the good parts of your husband UNdo the hurtful things he's done or said? 

About begging and pleading--been there, done that.

Do you like yourself when you do that? I know I don't. The problems in my marriage haven't improved, BUT I know I *like myself more now.*

Wouldn't it be far less exhausting to have someone who wants to treat you and your kids without abuse, and get along with you, etc....without you having to beg and plead for it? 
You deserve that. 

You CAN deal with the pain of growing from this. It's going to hurt and it's going to suck, but you have everything within you to handle it.

There's nothing "wrong" with you.

You may need to do a lot of work inside yourself to keep yourself on track. Remind yourself of ALL the ways you HAVE tried, all the stoned you turned, and the reasons in your gut that you decided to separate. 

You're going to second guess. But knowing that is a tendency of yours, means you CAN take care of that tendency, that "part" of your personality. Talk to that part when you start to second-guess. Have a conversation with that part of yourself. It's ok to listen to it, but you don't need to let it take over and drag you down.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

TemperToo said:


> Begging has worked in the past.


That's a desperate place to be.

You sacrifice yourself to "get" something from him, and in the end you resent him for what he finally "gives," because you had to damn near kill yourself just to get a morsel of human response from him.

There are men in the world who don't put you through this, just for basic human responses like empathy, concern, compassion, and calm.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> That's a desperate place to be.
> 
> You sacrifice yourself to "get" something from him, and in the end you resent him for what he finally "gives," because you had to damn near kill yourself just to get a morsel of human response from him.
> 
> There are men in the world who don't put you through this, just for basic human responses like empathy, concern, compassion, and calm.


None of those kind here


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well honey you need to make a decision, a big one. And I don't know your backstory but from what you have said:
Have you told him what is bothering you, what needs to be worked on? Have you seen what you have done that has contributed to the state of your marriage?
Have you tried cunselling? 
If you have tried to a long time and don't see anything changing, you need to decide whether you want to be in this relationship or not.


----------



## Random User (Apr 29, 2011)

TemperToo said:


> What is wrong with me???????


Nothing is wrong with you. Change is scary, and feeling forced to make huge life-changing changes is even more scary. Take a deep breath and make a decision. Then stick to it.

You feel better after you make the decision and resolve to stick with it. Gives your change some direction.


----------



## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Credam - Thank you for your kind words. I know they are true and am still working on applying them to my life. The so very hard part is the FEELING of them in my heart. My head knows. I KNOW this is the right thing, I KNOW that me and my kids will be better off in the long run. But I still love him. Why? I couldn't even tell you! But my heart tells me I do. 

JellyBeans, we have talked (well, I have.....he clams up, but I do give him the chance) until I am blue in the face. Have tried MC and IC several different times over the years. I have also BEGGED him to tell me what I"m doing wrong in the relationship so I can work on it. He won't give me anything to work with. The only thing that I can come up with on my own is that I'm not the best housekeeper (not the worst either!) and that I"m very dependant. Other than that, he says I am a good mom, a nice person, I have no issues working (although I am not right now,) etc.

I am now struggling with trust. I haven't had trust issues with him in a long time. I did a bit at first, but he gave me good reason. After our youngest son was born, I started jogging and lost a ton of weight. I was looking DAYUM good if I do say so myself! Our baby was about 8 months old and a college "friend" of mine came to visit. He hit on her in front of my face (talking about how cute her thong was showing out of the top of her pants) and the worst part is that she RECIPROCATED!!! Anyway, that was 7 years ago, and I got over it and haven't really worried about him being unfaithful.

But in the past couple of weeks I have noticed him being a lot more possessive with his cell phone. I have "heard" him deleting texts in the other room a lot. And then something happened this last weekend that made me jealous again....

His brother was coming to visit and bringing his brand new (early 20's - 10 years younger than him) GF with him. I had never met her before, but like his brother just fine and trust his judgement.

hubby told me that he and his brother were going gambling. That in itself isn't really a probelm, he doesn't go very often, and with the exception of a few out of control trips, he usually doesn't blow too much money. I just kind of assumed that the GF would stay here with me and the kids......I have *NEVER* been invited to "brother time." But no, she was going to go with them. Ok, we are having problems.....he wants to get out. My feelings are a bit hurt that I have never been allowed to go with them and now this cute young thing is going with two good looking men, but whatever. I will deal like I always do. 

So the brother and GF get to my house Friday evening. She seems nice. They get up early Saturday morning and are out the door before I get to tell them have a good time.

Hubby texts me that since they were so close, they decided to hit the beach for a bit. Ok, that makes sense, no problem. 

They get back around 9:00 and all 3 of them are SUNBURNED!! It was actually quite comical! They all seemed very quiet when they came through the door and I assumed they were just tired from their long day. I exclaimed, "Wow! You must have been at the beach all day!" All of them said (rather quickly) something along the lines of, "ya I don't know how that happened!" 

There was some aloe on the table and my daughter pointed it out for them to use, so the brother and GF giggled off to the bathroom to go rub it on each other, and I turned to my hubby sitting on the sofa and asked him if he had a good time. He said he did. He was wearing full length blue jeans and hiking boots, so I jokingly asked him if he ran around the beach all day in his jeans and he said, "No, I took my bathing suit."

Um. I was told they were going gambling. They left the house this morning and they took GF's car (which had their suitcases in it.) So OBVIOUSLY he knew they were going to the beach. I wasn't told for whatever reason. But at that point the brother and GF came out of the bathroom. I didn't want to get into asking why he lied to me with them there, so all I said was, "I wish you guys had told me you were going to the beach!"

At that point, the GF, who I had just met the day before, said, "It was my fault, we didn't know we were going until we got down there." Obviously a COMPLETE LIE! In fact, turns out they hit the beach first thing, spent all day, and only went to the casino for like an hour. 

What gets me is 1. Why did hubby lie? And 2. What on Earth made the GF feel like she needed to lie???? I wasn't giving off the slightest "jealous" vibe at all at that point. 

After the GF said that, I DID turn into a bit of a wench and said very sarcastically, "if you guys didn't know you were going to the beach until you got down there, then why did my husband just tell me he took his bathing suit this morning? Glad you had a good time!" And retired to my bedroom until they left.

I feel like I'm being stupid and reading way too much into it, but I don't understand why they had to lie to me about it all.


----------



## CharlieBrown (May 10, 2011)

I totally understand and have come to the conclusion OUR feelings are normal. We are not crazy! What we have to do is stick together. Work hard to make ourselves feel better. We cant control what the other half chooses to do, but we can control what will make us feel better in the long run. Easy for me to say, but not easy for me to accept yet either. Keep talking about it though, I know it makes me feel better to be heard and understood.


----------



## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Thank you Charlie Brown....you are right, there is some sort of strange comfort in knowing that we are not alone in our pain. Although I wouldn't want to wish this crap on anyone. 

Right now, seeing anyone happily married hurts. This includes my friends even!! That's sad.

We talked tonight. I've dropped the dumb beach issue. It was my insecurities that came up with the idea that he was being sneaky. Yes, he lied. But he said that he didn't want to hurt my feelings because he figured I would want to go. I didn't really want to go, because I knew he needed to get away from things for a bit too.

I'm feeling a bit better tonight. We talked for a couple hours, and were intimate. But I'm ok with that. For now. Probably not the best idea.....but oh well. Nothing has changed. He said his "head" loves me, but his heart isn't in it. I'm the opposite......my head knows I need to get out, but my heart is having a hard time letting go. Although I feel ok for the moment. And it isn't because the sex gave me a false sense of everything going back to normal.


----------



## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

I called and set up a session with a counselor for tomorrow. I hadn't seen one in a couple weeks because the awesome one I was seeing left and i had to wait until the new one came in and got settled. 

I was dumb and called him to tell him on his lunch break. WHY on Earth did I do that? He was like....."um, ok?" *Sigh*

He told me last night it was hard for him to be too close to me because he would want to hold me. I thought it was a good sign that he *might* be willing to work on himself during our separation. 

But now I'm feeling a bit used. Like he was just talking to me and being nice so he could get some. We had even talked about how before I met him I used sex as a way to feel loved. I gave in and had sex with him because I craved some closeness, and I don't think he felt that at all. 

I'm still leaving, I haven't changed my mind. And I have only teared up today, not flat out bawled. But I'm so confused, and I know I'm doing it to myself.


----------



## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> That's a desperate place to be.
> 
> You sacrifice yourself to "get" something from him, and in the end you resent him for what he finally "gives," because you had to damn near kill yourself just to get a morsel of human response from him.
> 
> There are men in the world who don't put you through this, just for basic human responses like empathy, concern, compassion, and calm.


Ya know, I went back and read this today. This is what I did last night. :slap:

I'm so aggravated at myself. I knew I would regret sleeping with him.


----------

