# I can't keep it up for my wife



## ff9 (Sep 19, 2017)

I have been debating posting this for a long time. Together 17 years, we are both 29 so there is no reason that age should be a factor. Married 9 of those years. I have gone to the doctor and found no medical reason (via blood tests). 

Our marriage has had ups and downs (too be expected, we have been together since we were 12). I think I posted here a long time ago but cannot remember my previous login or what email I would have used. For the last 10 months I have been unable to keep it up while having sex or oral. Previously I had no trouble, you could say I struggled with the opposite issue. 

Previously I had no problem getting and staying hard during foreplay and sex. While going down on my wife I almost always had a hard on and could easily ejaculate just from going down on her. Now, nada. Going down on her results in nothing. Foreplay results in nothing. When we want to use penetration I have a hard time getting hard enough, then keep losing it. My wife giving me a BJ takes a long time to 

I don’t have problems with erections while masturbating. I’m not proud to say this and debated not saying it, but I cheated on my wife once 2 months ago. I felt like I was broken, was frustrated and needed to feel like a man again. An opportunity arose and I took it, it was a stranger. All I’m going to say is that there were no problems and it was the best sex I’ve had in about a year. My wife does NOT know about my cheating and nor will I tell her. She is hurt enough as it is. 

My wife is obviously upset and thinks it’s her fault (admitting to my cheating would further that thought). She has been trying to do different things and allowing me to do different things that she previously didn’t. She gained some weight after our children and has been trying to lose that with no success. She’s almost entirely stopped eating because she thinks I can’t keep it up because she’s too fat. I don’t think it’s that, I’m not as attracted to her now, but I’m not unattracted to her (gained 30 pounds over the course of our kids being born). 

I need ideas, help, anything. This can’t be normal.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Have you tried Viagra or Cialis? I never have, but I've heard very positive things. Maybe using them temporarily would help you overcome a psychological obstacles?

At some point you need to come clean with your wife, even though it will crush her. Why did you feel broken and frustrated two months ago? This is an issue you need to address in therapy, not through affairs.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Tatsuhiko said:


> *Have you tried Viagra or Cialis?* I never have, but I've heard very positive things. Maybe using them temporarily would help you overcome a psychological obstacles?
> 
> At some point you need to come clean with your wife, even though it will crush her. Why did you feel broken and frustrated two months ago? This is an issue you need to address in therapy, not through affairs.


*If this doesn't work, then you need to go get checked out by a good urologist!*


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

First off, reassure your wife that it's not her. She stopped eating, that's not ok. 

Your cheating sucks and being able to keep it up with a stranger doesn't mean it's something your wife is doing wrong. 

How often were you masterbating and watching porn before you started cheating? Possibly a slight porn/sex addiction? That can cause ED as well. 

What's the timeline of her having kids - you having ED? Some guys have an issue being sexual with the mother of their children but strangers and other women are fine. It's subconscious so you wouldn't feel it outright but you mentally put your wife into a Mom box. A pure woman. A stranger is in another box. A sexual woman.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Stop masturbating. Look up "no-fap."

If it's not a physiological issue, it could be a mental issue. You say the marriage has ups and downs. What are the downs? Do they influence your perception of your wife? Even subconsciously, if your wife turns you off in some way, your body is going to respond.


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## ff9 (Sep 19, 2017)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Have you tried Viagra or Cialis? I never have, but I've heard very positive things. Maybe using them temporarily would help you overcome a psychological obstacles?
> 
> At some point you need to come clean with your wife, even though it will crush her. Why did you feel broken and frustrated two months ago? This is an issue you need to address in therapy, not through affairs.


I have not tried Viagra or Cialis. I brought it up to my wife once or twice but she was upset by it. She thinks she's doing something wrong. I think it's been happening for so long that I expect it to happen. It started after our last baby was born.

My wife has had suspicions that I've been cheating because I can't keep it up. I've always told her no. I have cheated before (teenage years) which she knows about and is long in the past but that will all be brought back up. 

I was frustrated with being unable to have sex with my wife.


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## ff9 (Sep 19, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> Tatsuhiko said:
> 
> 
> > *Have you tried Viagra or Cialis?* I never have, but I've heard very positive things. Maybe using them temporarily would help you overcome a psychological obstacles?
> ...


I have only seen my gp so I will keep that in mind, thank you.


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## ff9 (Sep 19, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> First off, reassure your wife that it's not her. She stopped eating, that's not ok.
> 
> Your cheating sucks and being able to keep it up with a stranger doesn't mean it's something your wife is doing wrong.
> 
> ...


I typically watch porn 1-2x a week. That has been pretty standard for years for me, aside from my teenage years. Some weeks I go without, I don't consider myself to have a porn addiction.

The ED started after our 3rd (last) baby was born. Prior to that there was no issues, and I watched our two older children be born.


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## ff9 (Sep 19, 2017)

Satya said:


> Stop masturbating. Look up "no-fap."
> 
> If it's not a physiological issue, it could be a mental issue. You say the marriage has upset and downs. What are the downs? Do they influence your perception of your wife?


I'll respond to this in a couple hours on my break.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It sounds like you don't have a physical problem. 

While some will disagree, I agree with you that not telling your wife about your cheating is best - I don't see how any good can come from that. 


I think the best be is to stop stressing over it - stress is one of the biggest causes of ED. Talk to your wife and tell her that you are getting stressed over ED and its making things worse. Tell her that for a while you want sex to just be about her - that you will be happy to do anything and everything she wants that you are physically capable of (introduce toys into your play if needed). Then after a while you will likely feel less stress and things may work again.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Ugh. It has gotten up in your head. That is a major woody killer, on top of which you have to reassure your wife that it is not her, which is a MAJOR woody killer. It would be really cool if your wife could understand the way men's erections do or don't work is as much in the head as women's response. If that is not the case, then I advocate trying meds as mentioned above with or without your wife's knowledge. That is a whole lot less damaging than cheating. 

On a side note, which I am trying to say without judgement, if you have cheated more than once in your life, try to get a mental handle on that to prevent it from happening again.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It could be that your mind is on the OW you had an affair with, and also you may feel guilty for cheating, and that causes you to not be able to perform now, with your wife. Just something to think about, maybe.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

How will you feel if your wife cheats to "feel like more of a woman"?

Will you understand?

Wouldn't you prefer that she work with you instead of looking elsewhere?

Eventually she is going to get attention elsewhere if this isn't addressed.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

What are all these answers? You cheated on your wife. You are feeling guilt and you can't get it up because while you are an a-hole on the outside, your insides don't like that. And they don't like that you are trying to bang your wife after cheating. You are messed up and broken and unless you come clean (pun not intended) you will likely have this problem for the rest of your life (as you should).


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Confess to your infidelity.

Nothing gets fixed until you do that.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Confess to your infidelity.
> 
> Nothing gets fixed until you do that.


You can always count on Gus to tell you how it is.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This kindness, this bland push-back from the male roosters on this site, is troubling.

The women too, looking the other way. Not wanting to drive you off. The nearest cliff.

A wink and a nod from the men. A tepid response from regular TAMMERs. Weak green tea disapproval, abutting the rough edge of acquiescence, Methinks.
...................................................................................................................................
If this poster were a Gal, a Girl, a Women, uh, hell no, the Gall.

You are a Trumpet, a bad Gal, a bad Girl. 

Fess up! 

You unworthy, smell-gooder!
...........................................................................................

ff2-

I sing this tune:

" Lay down your head Tom Dooley, lay down your' head and cry"
You done Laura Foster, that loyal wife wrong".


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You are not sexually attracted to your wife and you are not actively abusing her because of it. Divorce her and let her find a better life.


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## ff9 (Sep 19, 2017)

Satya said:


> Stop masturbating. Look up "no-fap."
> 
> If it's not a physiological issue, it could be a mental issue. You say the marriage has ups and downs. What are the downs? Do they influence your perception of your wife? Even subconsciously, if your wife turns you off in some way, your body is going to respond.


Masturbating is the only way I can have a release these days. We use to have sex daily or twice daily. I'm not one that can go without for long periods of time. Now we're down to having sex a couple times a month. 

For most of our marriage we have been happy. Before we married there was a lot of issues, but we were teenagers. Our biggest issues are fighting over chores and family/couple time together. We have done well at compromising, but sometimes we fall out of it. We are both at fault for that. My wife has a pattern of bringing up the past where I have made mistakes. I do my best to apologize and make her feel better. She will bring things up that happened 15 years ago. Not often, but a few times a year.

My wife recently (around the time this started) confessed to cheating on me when we were TWELVE. The logical side of me feels like I should just laugh it off. We were 12 for God's sake. She held another dudes hand and thinks he kissed her but can't remember. She was very upset about it, my immediate reaction was that it didn't matter. Then I started thinking about how she reacted to me cheating when we were 13-16 and judging her. Again, we were kids when that happened. That could play a role as it occurred around the same time. It also occurred right around the time our son was born, the hormonal mess she was in probably made her confess. 

I have cheated on my wife once during my marriage and I have no intention of letting it happen again or getting into the position to let it happen again.


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## ff9 (Sep 19, 2017)

uhtred said:


> It sounds like you don't have a physical problem.
> 
> While some will disagree, I agree with you that not telling your wife about your cheating is best - I don't see how any good can come from that.
> 
> ...


I have been trying this and it took a while to get my wife on board. She still stresses about me not enjoying anything and she has trouble relaxing because of it. Lose lose.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ff9 said:


> Masturbating is the only way I can have a release these days. We use to have sex daily or twice daily. I'm not one that can go without for long periods of time. Now we're down to having sex a couple times a month.
> 
> For most of our marriage we have been happy. Before we married there was a lot of issues, but we were teenagers. Our biggest issues are fighting over chores and family/couple time together. We have done well at compromising, but sometimes we fall out of it. We are both at fault for that. My wife has a pattern of bringing up the past where I have made mistakes. I do my best to apologize and make her feel better. She will bring things up that happened 15 years ago. Not often, but a few times a year.
> 
> ...


Every day between now and the day that you eventually confess (and that's assuming that she doesn't find out on her own) is another day spent cheating on her.

But sure... go ahead and tell yourself that you'll never do it again. I'm sure you won't.

Until you do.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

SunCmars- you think people are going too easy on him? 


ff9- RE: masturbating being your only form of release, you may need to force yourself to go without to reprogram your mind into sex being your release. It's not likely to be easy and I would get some pills even just for at first. So your brain isn't expecting disappointment and undermining you.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

This is a tough one. While he needs to confess his affair at some point, I'm worried that it will crush his wife if he does it now. She's already feeling inadequate because of his ED. The confession would push her over the edge. It would really destroy her at this point.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Tatsuhiko said:


> This is a tough one. While he needs to confess his affair at some point, I'm worried that it will crush his wife if he does it now. She's already feeling inadequate because of his ED. The confession would push her over the edge.


You cannot destroy that which is broken..a shambles.

I suggest, just leaving.

For her to get a better man.

And for him.....to just get..out.

No telling, no confession. The damage is done. Just get out.

Before, he, ef,ef 9 hits the bricks, he should tell her...

You can do better then me. 

That would be a truthful confession.


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## ff9 (Sep 19, 2017)

*Deidre* said:


> It could be that your mind is on the OW you had an affair with, and also you may feel guilty for cheating, and that causes you to not be able to perform now, with your wife. Just something to think about, maybe.


The problems started before I cheated. My mind is no where near the person I slept with. I have no contact with her, no way to contact her, I don't remember her name and nor do I care to contact her.


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## ff9 (Sep 19, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Tatsuhiko said:
> 
> 
> > This is a tough one. While he needs to confess his affair at some point, I'm worried that it will crush his wife if he does it now. She's already feeling inadequate because of his ED. The confession would push her over the edge.
> ...


She should leave me because I can't get it up? Come on. Cheating, yes that's fair. I have seen how much cheating hurts her and while the damage is done, I can prevent that hurt from her. She doesn't need to know. I don't want to hurt her again, which yes I should have thought of that before.


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## ff9 (Sep 19, 2017)

Tatsuhiko said:


> This is a tough one. While he needs to confess his affair at some point, I'm worried that it will crush his wife if he does it now. She's already feeling inadequate because of his ED. The confession would push her over the edge. It would really destroy her at this point.


I agree with this, and it's not because I don't want to have a hard conversation with her - we've had plenty. This information isn't going to do any good right now.


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## ff9 (Sep 19, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> SunCmars- you think people are going too easy on him?
> 
> 
> ff9- RE: masturbating being your only form of release, you may need to force yourself to go without to reprogram your mind into sex being your release. It's not likely to be easy and I would get some pills even just for at first. So your brain isn't expecting disappointment and undermining you.


I have tried going without and it just resulted in more frustration. However I can give it another go. I may have to try Viagra or Cialis without my wife knowing.


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## ff9 (Sep 19, 2017)

sokillme said:


> You are not sexually attracted to your wife and you are not actively abusing her because of it. Divorce her and let her find a better life.


I am attracted to my wife.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

ff9 said:


> I typically watch porn 1-2x a week. That has been pretty standard for years for me, aside from my teenage years. Some weeks I go without, I don't consider myself to have a porn addiction.


I am assuming that when you use porn that there are no problems. If this is indeed the case, are you able to produce the same results using porn while your wife observes? If not, would you explain why?

I am not by any means advocating that you use porn to solve problems, but I do know that hiding porn will cause problems. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Same happened with me and my wife and her longtime girlfriend who were in bed with me, trying to get me hard. Several things contributed to this. Diabetes, weight gain which caused the diabetes, medications, excessive masturbation so that I was never really horny when my wife wanted sex, watching too much porn so that regular sex with my wife and girlfriend was no longer arousing. I got into extreme sex so normal sex was a bore. See your doctor. If nothing else, Viagra works for most and you can buy the generic kind online which work for a lot less money than the name brand. 

My wife took a somewhat drastic turn and required that I wear a chastity cage. She will tease me almost daily and sex is focused only on her pleasure. After a few weeks of orgasm denial, I am so horny that I get hard for anything that moves. I thought it was stupid and crazy but it works for us and works well. My wife is having some of the best orgasms of her life and I have not masturbated in 4 years. I still watch porn but cannot do much about it. When I am allowed an orgasm, my wife makes it worth the wait. Sometimes the shear force of it, is painful. 

We did what we always did when we encountered a sex problem, found a solution either medically or with a new fetish.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

ff9 said:


> I have tried going without and it just resulted in more frustration. However I can give it another go. I may have to try Viagra or Cialis without my wife knowing.


More lies. 
Lies divide and create distance. 
The more lies, the more distance between you.
What will you lie about next? It will never end until you get a handle on your personal issues. This is not your wife's fault. This is you not facing and dealing with what is bothering you. It is you choosing to cheat and lie rather than face whatever is at the core of your problems.

If you want to fix this, you need more than a pill. You need individual therapy immediately.

I'm not saying your wife is perfect. You might be responding to something your wife has done is doing, has not done or is not doing, etc. But even if this does have something to do with your wife, you are not coping. I would not recommend marriage counseling at this point. You need to face whatever it is in you that is causing you to not be able to be sexual with your wife and why you would choose betrayal rather than working to resolve whatever is at the bottom of this. The more you lie and the more you cheat, the further away from the original problem you get and the harder it will be to resolve it.

Furthermore, get yourself into the doctor for STD testing immediately.

If your marriage is to be a healthy marriage, eventually you will have to tell your wife about your cheating, but right now I think you need to seek therapy and get help so when you do tell your wife you will be in a good place emotionally and mentally to support her and help her deal with trauma of your betrayal.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You had sex with another woman. Have you gotten yourself STD tested? Did you get yourself STD tested before you then had sex with your wife again? Or do you not care about your wife's health? Gross. Just ****ing gross. She needs to know. You could have now exposed her to HPV (and other things) and upped her chances of getting cervical cancer astronomically. She needs to know so she can now get a pap smear every year.... Because your marriage isn't MONOGAMOUS. And she thinks it is.


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Every day between now and the day that you eventually confess (and that's assuming that she doesn't find out on her own) is another day spent cheating on her.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




^^^^^^^ More people need to realize how true this is. 

******Every day between now and the day that you eventually confess (and that's assuming that she doesn't find out on her own) is another day spent cheating on her.******

My starter husband cheated with multiple women throughout our entire relationship although I was unaware of it until shortly before I filed for divorce. What he was never able to understand was that even if it had been only one isolated incident early in the relationship but never confessed, he still would have been cheating until the day I found out. 

You promised your wife that you would only share this type of contact (emotional as well as physical) with her. You broke that promise. By omitting this you are actively breaking other promises on a daily basis -- to love, honor and cherish her. The longer she is unaware of these broken promises, the more pain they will cause. Believe me, I still have the scars 13 years later. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Are there other stresses in your life,work,money, unresolved resentment?

Are you eating and sleeping good?

Quit beating it for crying out loud. 

Go to the health store and get some horny goat weed or some other suplement.

As for the cheating your a douchbag!


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

chillymorn69 said:


> Are there other stresses in your life,work,money, unresolved resentment?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




This has worked in the past for my H -- he was in a pedestrian-vs-semi accident in his early 20s and sustained a shattered pelvis that was not a surgical candidate for repair. He has nerve damage on the right side that extends through the groin, scrotum, and shaft. He used to use Levitra with good results sexually but other side effects were annoying. This is what his doc recommended, for what it's worth.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

ff9 said:


> The problems started before I cheated. My mind is no where near the person I slept with. I have no contact with her, no way to contact her, I don't remember her name and nor do I care to contact her.


My advice is in a few areas.

First, go out and by a good quality silicon c*ck-ring. They really promote erections by trapping the blood in your penis. They are simple, effective and if that is your only problem worth doing. That should help a lot with your problem.

Second, figure out what if any possible physical issues might be. Usually poor erections are tied to poor heart/circulation issues. Are you out of shape? Are you under a lost of stress. Are you one of the high percentage of North Americans who are seriously sleep deprived? Any neurological problems run in your family? 

Third, figure out any possible mental issues. You say it isn't the affair. Great. You say you do porn for release. What kind of porn is that that gets your motor racing. Is it anything that you could do with your wife? If it isn't, then you need to figure out some other mental stimulus to getting off as you are conditioning yourself just as surly as Pavlov did his dogs. You many have been training yourself for months in an alternate arousal/orgasm pattern that you can't duplicate with your wife.

Final thought. You can either confess your affair or you can take it to your grave. And when I say take it to you grave, I kind of mean it. 

If you have repented and know that you will never do that again and never endanger your marriage again, then I would propose you do two things. The first would be seek out a Catholic Priest and ask for confession. If your lucky he might not ask you what religion you are. Or you could seek out a minister from another religion, and ask him if you can confess a sin and ask him to help you seek God's forgiveness. Confess your sin and ask for forgiveness. Being forgiven by God through a priest's blessing is a powerful form of mental healing. Finally, if you are forgiven by God, repentant, and know you will never do it again, take your affair secret to your grave and never tell anyone.

Good luck.

P.S. I am assuming that you had protected sex and have been tested negative for any STD's. If no to either, ignore the last bit of advice.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I have a slight OT question for the men- His Dr found no medical reason for his ED with blood tests, would they still prescribe an ED drug in that case? I guess I wonder how easy it is for the average man to get viagra or cialis. Is it a walk in, say you have ED thing or do they test, check your risk factors and whatnot. 
Sorry it it OT but I am curious and it may be relevant to the OP if he decides to go the route of meds.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

ff9 said:


> I have tried going without and it just resulted in more frustration. However I can give it another go. I may have to try Viagra or Cialis without my wife knowing.


Why would you try it without her knowing? She is your wife. Telling her you are going to a doctor to get a prescription and then trying it out, should be something she does know about.

P.S. when you go to the doctor ask about an STD test.

Good luck


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> ....His Dr found no medical reason for his ED with blood tests, would they still prescribe an ED drug in that case? I guess I wonder how easy it is for the average man to get viagra or cialis. Is it a walk in, say you have ED thing or do they test, check your risk factors and whatnot.


Probably depends on the Dr. I have been offered Viagra samples by my primary care doctor and I really don't have ED. I have low Testosterone, but not to the level of impacting function or desire. It was sort of like want some?

I would hope any doctor would at least do a preliminary screening on heart health as in the commercials they say to "ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex."

Since my doctor knows I do crazy long (100 mile) bike rides, run long (15 km to half marathon) distance endurance events, and work out 3 to 4 times a week in a gym, he has never asked about my heart health. Beside my normal blood pressure and low pulse rate are a good clue. 

Just one person's experience.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ff9 said:


> I am attracted to my wife.


Then you are a coward. Probably afraid of intimacy would be my bet, but you took the cowardly way out and cheated.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Are there other stresses in your life,work,money, unresolved resentment?

Are you eating and sleeping good?

Quit beating it for crying out loud. 

Go to the health store and get some horny goat weed or some other suplement.

As for the cheating your a douch bag. Bad bad decission.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ff9 said:


> I have not tried Viagra or Cialis. I brought it up to my wife once or twice but she was upset by it. She thinks she's doing something wrong. I think it's been happening for so long that I expect it to happen. It started after our last baby was born.
> 
> My wife has had suspicions that I've been cheating because I can't keep it up. I've always told her no. I have cheated before (teenage years) which she knows about and is long in the past but that will all be brought back up.
> 
> I was frustrated with being unable to have sex with my wife.


Totally psychological. You're masturbating and watching porn. That's the main problem.
Then you have the problem of a total guilty conscience from being a cheat. She SHOULD divorce you. You know this. You're mind is totally shot because you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Then there's the problem of you losing feelings for your wife and not being attracted to her. That's totally your fault. Instead of working in your relationship, you worked at looking for another vagina. "It was the best sex I've had in a year".
Sickening. Of course a new exciting person whose bad habits and personality you don't totally know about was good. She didn't know you were a cheating porn addict, either, probably.

If she knew you were married, shame in you AND her.

Anyway, that's my diagnosis: fried brain from porn, desensitized penis from jacking of, and ruined emotions for your wife thanks to cheating. The attraction to your mate comes from being in love with them. You screwed up your love, it's manifesting as a loss of attraction. 

You're basically the victim of your own screw up and now can't screw your wife. I doubt you can come back from this mentally and recover your feelings.
But you can try a total confession and totally stopping the porn and masturbation. 
JMO.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

OP, you can get some samples of Cialis or viagra without a prescription.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I have a slight OT question for the men- His Dr found no medical reason for his ED with blood tests, would they still prescribe an ED drug in that case? I guess I wonder how easy it is for the average man to get viagra or cialis. *Is it a walk in, say*


... pretty much anything, and they hand you the script. At least that has been my (...) second hand experience.


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

If he isn't turned on, viagra isn't going to do anything for him. OP, if it is performance anxiety then viagra will help and perhaps get you past the mind games. 

Also OP do not take it without your wife's knowledge. If it works, she's going to know and then you have some explaining to do. 

But more than that don't you already have some explaining to do? "Wife, I thought you weren't worth the trouble so I found a random stranger to prove to myself that I am still a man..."? 

Confessing to your cheating ways isn't ever going to go well. But at 29 you have a chance to let your wife live the rest of her life with someone that is a not a cheater. Don't rob your wife by dropping your guilt on her in 10 years. I wonder if her recent confession of "cheating" on you at 12 was her way of getting you to come clean. 

Stop looking at and getting off on porn. You are training and reinforcing the training over and over of your brain to respond to the excitement of the visuals, sounds of porn rather than BEING with her. Do some research. Porn is not a victimless, harmless activity.


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