# Not connecting with husband



## G123 (Jul 15, 2011)

Need some advice. My husband and I have been going through marital issues for many years now. Two years ago I finally packed up the kids and moved in with my mom for a few days. It was the ONLY way I could get him to wake up and get that things were really bad. We had already been going to a counselor for a year and a half prior and I had spoke to him about how I was feeling on many occasions, but nothing seemed to work until I left. Now two years later he is a much better husband and father I feel like I am not a mother of three anymore but of only two. He is also very intelligent and a programmer to boot. I am a very successful teacher. As outsiders looking in we seem like the perfect couple and business partners. However, there is still no emotional connection between us no matter what we seem to do. Things start to improve in that way and then it stops. He stops the momentum and then I build up a wall and the cycle begins once again. We are in one of those cycles now and I want to leave more than ever. My son is also displaying some of the same behaviors that have been troublesome for me to deal with as well in the relationship. My counselor suggested that he might be borderline aspergers and to read some information about this on the internet. He doesn't seem to be very emotional about anything even when most people would be. Now our 12th anniversary is this weekend and I am scared of what the future may bring. I don't even feel like celebrating. After 5 years of feeling this way can it get any better? We have tried for so long, but I need to stay for the kids. Especially my son who has his own problems. Does anyone have any advice of where I can go from here and how to deal with the disconnect and loneliness?


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Just out of curiosity, how much alone time do you guys spend together daily? Weekly? Do you guys have fun together doing things you BOTH enjoy doing? These seem to be the things that many married couples neglect once LIFE sets in. It was the thing that allowed the bond to be created and is essentially is what it takes to keep that bond.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G123 (Jul 15, 2011)

Well we do not spend a ton of time alone without the kids that is indeed true. However, I use to be the one that planned everything and I have kind of stopped doing that as much. So, I like to leave a lot of the planning in his court now. He usually plans things that have to do with a specific date, but does not tend to do a ton without some kind of hint or reminder. He even has to make himself a list to remind him to plan these special times together. It seems to work for him when he keeps up with it. When we do spend time alone together there is still that lack of connection between us. Not much to talk about or in common it seems. We were getting better and now like I said the wall is up and it is hard to open my heart up again when it keeps on getting hurt. That is something I have tried to do (the letting go of the past), but the coldness and lack of emotion from him is hard to take sometimes.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Walls are bad for marriage. Knock your walls down and keep trying.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

G123 said:


> Well we do not spend a ton of time alone without the kids that is indeed true. However, I use to be the one that planned everything and I have kind of stopped doing that as much. So, I like to leave a lot of the planning in his court now. He usually plans things that have to do with a specific date, but does not tend to do a ton without some kind of hint or reminder. He even has to make himself a list to remind him to plan these special times together. It seems to work for him when he keeps up with it. When we do spend time alone together there is still that lack of connection between us. Not much to talk about or in common it seems. We were getting better and now like I said the wall is up and it is hard to open my heart up again when it keeps on getting hurt. That is something I have tried to do (the letting go of the past), but the coldness and lack of emotion from him is hard to take sometimes.


The more time you spend together, the more the reconnection will take place. Doing a few things together here and there isn't enough. That's not how you connected to begin with. It's not gonna work now. I would sit him down and tell him what's going on with you and let him know that you guys need to start doing things frequently and often. If it's nothing more than just going for a long walk together, do it. There's tons of things you can do that don't require money. 

And yes, I agree that you have to tear down that wall. Only you can do that. If you want the marriage you desire, you must do that.


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## iya12 (Jul 12, 2011)

I think you really need to put some more effort. marriage is always worth fighting for. =)


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

Wow, I can really relate to your posts here. I feel the same way about my husband and things have been rough the last few months. Because I got tired of carrying both portions of the emotional load in our marriage so I quit initiating/planning everything. And every time I start to put down the walls I've built up, he tromps on my heart and feelings again. Yeah, that feels great. 

We don't spend enough time together but if I ask for more, nothing changes. He says it will but it doesn't. And I'm like you - I used to plan everything and he'd just go along for the ride. He would enjoy himself when we would do things but I did all the work for it.

Unfortunately I don't have any advice but I am in a similar boat with my marriage. There's only so much disconnect and emotional neglect someone can take, KWIM?

We just had another fight last night and in the course of conversation I told him that he can't approach me the same way he approaches his coworkers and family. He's an engineer and most of his family are engineers. He tends to just be very factual and to the point when giving me information. He doesn't "soften the blow" so to speak when it's bad news. And as a result I feel like he doesn't care about my feelings. Instead I get told that I have no right to be upset because things just are the way they are.

If I figure out a solution, I'll let you know.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

G123 said:


> He doesn't seem to be very emotional about anything even when most people would be.


Im no doctor, but I can tell you from personal experience, that there are lots of people out there who do not show emotion when an emotional response is normally given.

If you "stay together for the kids" make sure you are actually "together" and not just living together constantly fighting and bickering to the detriment of your kids. Just like my cousin and his W.
And lastly you mentioned the vicious cycle. Someone has to change to stop said cycle. Might as well be you. Especially if you are "staying together for the kids."


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

"He doesn't seem to be very emotional about anything even when most people would be"

What does this actually mean. Can you give examples? Anger , happiness' enthusiasim? Men and women are so completely different. I wonder if the men discussed here are simply more straight forward and the women are more intuitive?


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## G123 (Jul 15, 2011)

Thanks for all your responses they have been helpful. It is nice to know that you are not alone. Emotionally he is getting better at least he responds to me. Two years ago it was so bad he wouldn't even respond at all especially when the conversations were about our relationship. He is really trying to make it work and I am still here physically but am having trouble trusting and opening up to him considering what a bad month June was. I don't know what else to say, but we are continuing to see our martial counselor. I know this will be the hardest puzzle to put back together, and I hope someday it will happen.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Just wanted to chime in the power of technology. My wife and I don't see much of each other. Many days it's just minutes!!

We txt flirt, send pictures, email, and of course call. In a normal day like today we txted 19 times, talked on the phone 3 times for about 40 minutes total, our work schedules are just nuts.

We are together at night and that's our connect time. Kids goodnight see ya at 9pm and then it's a glass of wine, candles, a movie and hopefully a happy ending.

I wish you the best of luck seems like you guys are making progress.



As far as your son.....hey mine are the opposite too emotional, cry over anything, the oldest has been diagnosed with everything from BPD, bipolar, depression, anxiety.........it sucks!! 

Mental illness is just blech imo.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Nope you are not alone. It is exhausting trying to get any emotions from my H except anger of course. I decided not my responsibility to try to pull emotions out of a grown man. If he wants to stay bottled up, so be it. 

It's sad. I've tried to convince him if he would deal with the demons of his past instead of denying, he could be free. I did several years ago. It was tough at the time, but i finally got the anchor off. It's fear that keeps one trapped, and keeps one from enjoying their life.


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