# Dumped by email after 30 years



## now_what (Sep 17, 2008)

x


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Hmm.. sounds like your husband went back to his second childhood, hun. You know..young bad azz, dude. Go to counseling, hun, that..or take his toy away from him and sit his azz in time out. 
I like bikes too, but no more than my family.


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## Sweet love (Sep 10, 2008)

What an arse! WOW!

Looks like he like the bike better than you and his kids!
What he did has no excuse and that he didnt even had the courage to tal to you face to face and to take care of yoru feeligns and say it to you in a civil way but more as the husband he was to oyu for so many years!
WOW what an ass-- hole! 
This is terrible! and after 30 years! WAW!
this guy is not worth anything at al! and oyu elt him go with being on bike every weekend and never talkign to oyu nor taking care of you?
I will have show him the door long ago!
This is really too much and i feel very sorry for oyu.
An dhe leave just like that without leaving a phone nor an adress.? stinck very much ot me like a guy having an affair with soemoen else since a LONONONG time!
alsop tha the isnisted to move away so fast havign a house and furnitures and all that of course he was qwiht somebody else, it didnt worked out so he came back and now he did it again.
where does he go when he is on his bike? did you ever checked out?
he lived with oyu like he was not married at all but was living in a hotel with a maid.
i cant understand how oyu pulled up with it for so long but it must have been really hard.
The ciouncelor should have been seeken long ago..
but having absolutly no other experience in close relationships but him that explain why oyu put up so long wiht it.
you had no clue as for what to do!
and oyu had never been ina relationship with a guy that cheated you except for him..
so you didnt saw the very obvious signs in time.
i htink that when you are together from very very young, you dont know ho wot tackle a relationship, becasue oyu alck expreriendces form others.
he just had the easy life all the time and never ahd problems with you so he was too inexperienced and of course he gain some experience with his bike ridding on sundays and from longdistance job..
and oyu didnt had a clue which nmade him diosrespect you even more and dont care about oyu even more and take you for granted even more, and he didnt care about oyu.
Problem is that now very soon he is going to ahve to live without you for real and i think at somepoint he is going to regret it a lot..
but that will be too late.
He left with a plan. he planed when to leave and how and WHERE.
thats not somehting oyu improvise.
He was seeing someoen else for years and oyu simply didnt knew..


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## Sweet love (Sep 10, 2008)

Honey said:


> Hmm.. sounds like your husband went back to his second childhood, hun. You know..young bad azz, dude. Go to counseling, hun, that..or take his toy away from him and sit his azz in time out.
> I like bikes too, but no more than my family.


she doesnt know where he lives.. he left without leaving an adres nor a phone number.
She dont know where the guy is now.


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## Sweet love (Sep 10, 2008)

Just to add to it i think its even forbidden for the guy to leave without leaving an adress when you are still married.
report him as disappearedpersona nd see what hapened. oyu maybe got a whole world to discover yet.. if oyu are ready for that one..
him leavign his credit card only proves he got separate accounts..
he is living 2 places at the same time thats the alone explaination.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Abandonment


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## dgillette (Sep 19, 2008)

I am no expert - I am on here tonight and a new member too - because I am considering cutting my losses and getting the heck out of this loveless marriage I find myself in. But our cases are similar. I just had our 27th anniversary last week. My husband did buy me flowers (he didn't do anything last year). Up until a year and a half ago my husband was very loving and we were soulmates. Now I don't even know him. He started going out with friends (guys) from work and preferred his buddies to me. I bought a brand new boat last year because I thought we would enjoy it together. He dissed me so many times by taking his buddies out and leaving me behind. (and I make the damn payments). My husband is going through a mid-life crisis. He hates getting old. He has had all kinds of aches and pains now and obsesses about it. He has "empty nest" syndrome in that our 20 year old son does his own thing and doesn't do things like he used to with him. I don't think he is having an affair......yet........I don't know if he would or not. I know he was morally not brought up that way but in the last year or so - I don't know him at all. Your husband sounds like mine that he is afraid to get old. He just can't deal with it. I have begged, pleaded, threatened to leave him and it works for like a day and then boom, back to being distant and a jerk basically. I know my husband is going through a depression and anxiety- has been for some time, but refuses to deal with it. He has not only pulled away from me but his whole family - whom he would cut his right arm off until a year ago. I am not sure how old you are but I and my husband both are 46 - we got married young. We had a really good marriage up until then. Then he got nuts. He spends lots of money on his appearance. He has more shoes and clothes than any other person I know - he has run us into alot of debt for clothes, etc. Decided he can only wear "label" clothes, etc. etc. He is trying to re-live his youth. It's awful. It is really a sad thing to go through this after being with someone so long and basically thinking you are going to spend your retirement years and then have this happen. After my husband called me at work today and said he would take me out to a fun wing event held in our local town I was thrilled. I even went to the trouble to go to the mall and buy myself a nice pair of pants that fit (I have lost 40 lbs. in the last year over this stress) to look good tonight. I wanted to go at 5 but he said no - 6 because he had to go to the gym. Well then he called me at 6:15 and said he was on his way home - he had blown off the gym and had stopped out for a drink with his buddies. (I could tell when he got home he had way more than 1 drink) I was devastated. He would again, rather spend time with them than me. I decided tonight I've had it. I can't fix him. And I feel I am at the end of my rope. I am sorry you are going through this. But I want you to know you are not alone.....Feel free to correspond with me - maybe we can help each other through this. Deb


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi now what!

Sorry to hear another person is having to go thru this. I know how tough it is! I'm there with you too (you should read some of my post )

Hang in there!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My situation is no where near as traumatic as what you are going through, but when I felt my relationship 'died' i started reading about the grieving process and how to get through it. I started to think of my relationship as 'dead' and treated it as such. I grieved it, accepted it, and started to look at what was now beginning.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

this happened to my nan, married for 30 years. but grampy was into women more than bikes. but one day he just upped and left and that was it. 
he never turned back. he gave up everything for his new life and it just did not include her.
for as much as my nan loved him. she realised he would never change. it was a tough time. 
im afraid your issue is so personal and very emotional. i do feel for you.


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## Guest (Sep 29, 2008)

This is my first time belonging to an online forum but I really feel your pain as I am going through the same thing. I met my husband 30 years ago and he just left in August on our 23rd anniversary after telling me he didn't love me, wasn't happy and wanted to live alone. It came as a complete shock to me and all I could think of was killing myself. I thank God for my two wonderful children who have made me realize I have good reason to go on. I also have wonderful friends but it is sometimes embarassing to even tell them whats going on. My husband is a undercover cop and he works in bars with people who lead way different lives than we do. He is exposed to some scummy people living weird lives. In addition to this I found him on a porn website 4 years ago talking to some sleaze in a chat room. He cried and said he had a problem and something was wrong with him. I truly felt so bad for him but also felt betrayed. Unfortunately, I was so shocked by what he did I allowed it to be swept under the rug and we never spoke of it again. A few months ago, he didn't come home til 5am and was drunk. I was outraged as was up all night wondering if he was shot by someone and he said he was working and drank too much and slept it off on the side of the road. Everytime we had sex, he always pressured me to see if I would do it with swingers until finally one night I started crying when he said he knw a bar we could go to. I thought this was all just fantasy. Now I realize he must be leading a double life too and I am just a stupid ass for always believing him. I have no proof of anything of course because detective are very careful to cover their tracks.

We have 2 adopted children and i haven't worked in 14 years as we agreed I would stay home to be there for them. He really has be by the you know what financially, mentally and emotionally. 

I just started seeing someone as my suicidal thoughts and constant crying were really scaring me. She suggested I ask him to see a marriage counselor, not necessarily to get back together but to handle our pain. When I said it like this he (suprisingly) agreed and we go this Friday. I am very scared as to why he agreed to go and what he will say. 

I really feel your pain as I have only had this relationship with my husband since I was 18 and it is really hard to imagine a life without him. He is or was my best friend. FYI - he also just came home with a motorcyle although he says it is for work? Best of luck to you and don't let yourself get depressed like I did- you are a wonderful caring person and your husband doesn't deserve your love or loyalty.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

now_what said:


> Thanks for the words of support. There have been some new developments since I first posted my story. I finally got my husband to tell me where he was staying and I asked him to please tell me if he was seeing someone - I didn't want anymore surprises later. Turns out he is living with a woman he has been seeing for the last two months - sounds like true love to me. But she's not some young thing as if that is supposed to make me feel better and of course she goes "riding" with him on the "bike". I guess this is the last piece to him truly living the biker lifestyle. I think this is what hurts the most - he was willing to chuck 33 years of being together - without even wanting to try to fix things - for a woman who would let a married man move in with her after knowing each other for two months. Idiot - she's welcome to him.


I'm so sorry! If this helps any, that relationship won't last. I give it 18 months at most. But, I really can't blame you for giving up. I don't know which one of them is the bigger idiot--him or her! What makes people totally lose their minds like this?!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

something kind of similar happened to my sister. her H up and left one day. not a word. and it was two days after they had a baby. they were together six years. 

i think you are doing everything you can do. i really admire you for letting him know its not too late to work on the marriage, and wanting him back for your daughter. but you have to let him make his own choice. I hope he wakes up and realizes the mistake he's making.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

didn't someone mention abandonment somewhere in this thread? because if this isn't abandonment, i don't know what is. you are so sweet for wanting to have him back. maybe so sweet that you don't recognize he doesn't deserve you. but if you want him, don't give up or "let yourself go." be there physically and mentally fit for when he does come back (again) because somethings gonna happen where he decides the grass isn't greener.
good luck dear. pray. He listens.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

now_what-

But if he should ever come crawling back - you call the shots, don't be a door mat, or you will suffer very badly in the future. Begin as you mean to go on, as my grandmother used to tell me.


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## Whitesboro (Nov 30, 2008)

Dear Now what, Today is Sunday, three days after Thanksgiving and two weeks earlier my husband left me. My heart goes out to you because I know how you feel because I am in total shock. Mine is a long story like yours, so I would really like to hear from you. I have not heard from or seen him in over 2 weeks. I guess I forgot to tell you we have been married for 26 years. He packed up his belongings while I was at work and said he was leaving and that he cared about me but did not love me anymore. Please reply, I need support and I think you do too!


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## Jenni (Nov 30, 2008)

It sounds to me like middle age crisis. He wants to feel young and unattached. It is sad what he did to his family and I am sure he will regret it soon or later. He is looking at his wife of thirty years like an old pair of shoes, that is not nice...Breaking up by email? He is uncapable of facing you and communicate to you like a grown up man. Is that what you do to your wife of a life time? What he did was abandonment and you should take him to court.


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## Whitesboro (Nov 30, 2008)

I know how you feel. My husband left me 2 weeks ago after 26 years of marriage. He has lied, cheated, and snuck all his belongings out of the house while I was at work. Says he has been trying to get this feeling back inside him for 4 years. Always would tell me he loved me, bought me a new wedding ring a few months ago and said beautiful words when he gave it to me. Bought me all new furniture resently, painted, and redid the hardwood floors (by the way I worked right along side him through it all). We have had a rough few years with our daughter and 3 granchildren living with for a year and a half because of the twins special needs. My husband started a new job in Jan. and got put on grave yard shift with little or no sleep. We had nowhere to be in our home. We were both exhasted. But I would always ask him if things were ok with us because we were seperated in 2000 for thirteen months because he was leaving again so I moved into an apartment so he and our son who was 14 could be in the home because the son did not want to live in an apartment. He acually had served me with divorce papers too. Said he didn't know what he wanted and he had fallen out of love with me. We saw each other in all ways but I was not allowed to spend the night until after 8 months. The whole 13 months he still would tell me he didn't know what he wanted so I would grab all the little bread crumbs he would drop me. I am so ashamed of the way I demeaned my self and still didn't know if he loved me. He finally asked me to come home but we shoved it under the carpet. That's enough for now... but there is more.


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## Jenni (Nov 30, 2008)

Girls...what a Thanksgiving time you are having...I am sorry to hear that. Do you guys have "Parents without Partners" in your area? I do have one around and once a month single moms and dads get together for a fun night out. You need all the distraction you can get right now. Even if you drag yourself out. You need to love and pamper yourself to death. Get on the phone and call those girlfriends right away!!


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## Whitesboro (Nov 30, 2008)

*Re: grieving*

Thanks Jenni(also my daughter's name) This was the first holiday without him. Spent it with my grown kids and grankids but it was really hard to get through. HaD 2 DRINKS and shouldn't have because it depressed me. Learned my lesson!


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## Jenni (Nov 30, 2008)

A drink or two should not hurt. It is great that you spent Thanksgiving with your kids and grandkids because you need all the support you can get. Don't stay alone. Being single again requires to create a new network of activities, places and people around. I am divorced myself. When I went through it, my child was a baby and I felt at first that my whole world was falling apart. I had no idea how I was going to manage financially and emotionally. I prayed to God and I took one day at the time. One day, I woke up and I realized my wounds had healed. I felt really good because I realized that I have enriched my life with hobbies, fun activities and new people and I was able to control my life and my own happiness with or without a man. Also, no matter where you are or the stage of your life you are, there is always a man going through some similar situation looking for companionship and/or love. I thought I saw it all when my grandma got proposed at eighty years old...


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## Jenni (Nov 30, 2008)

Hello no what...It sounds to me that your autistic grandaughter was not the real reason. I have been speaking to some men lately and ask them why a someone married for so long would pack up and leave and I got answers such as: romance died, got a better offer and tried to relive youth...I will continue with my research...


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I'm so sorry, girl. 

This is the actions of an idiot. 

It may be a mid-life crisis. I don't know. 

But he's risking everything he has to satisfy HIMSELF. 

I'd say, let him go. For now. Let him discover what he's lost, given up. 

As long as he doesn't do anything stupid that could harm you (meaning: STDs), let him have his time. 

I agree that it's a stupid time of life (for him). There is no reason for this activity. But let him go (for a bit). He'll learn.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I agree...he needs to be the one to tell the kids. He's the one leaving, not you. 

I agree on the emails, too. You keep going, girl; get out of life what you want from it. 

Anent the emails - some email systems offer a delivery receipt and/or a read receipt. You may not have control over your email clients response to these requests. So, you might consider blocking his email address. He'll get a "bounce" notice and realize you're serious.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

now_what said:


> dcrim:
> 
> Thanks for agreeing with me that my husband is being selfish. He wanted to get our agreement ironed out so he can head to the attorney after the first of the year to make this legal. One thing I do want him to do before I agree to anything else is to talk to our children and explain why he feels this course of action is right for him. So far, he has let me be the bearer of all bad news while he has said nothing. He has talked and spent time with them (daughter 25, son 22, daughter 15) but has not mentioned to them why he does not want to be married to their mother anymore or why he will not even speak to their mother. I think he owes them that conversation. And I feel like telling him that I will no longer be corresponding with him by email. If he wants out of the marriage so badly, he needs to pick up the phone and talk to me.


I know this is a very tough time for you, but I want to add this. Your children-yes he does owe them an explanation or at least a conversation regarding. However, they may not get it, but what your children will remember is you and how you handle this. You will be the hero for maintaining your courage in the time of a storm. They will remember who was there for them. Avoid talking negatively about him and allow your children to draw their own conclusions regarding their father. I know it is extremely difficult, but they are looking to see how you respond.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

now_what-

I know this hurts to hear, but honey, you don't need him to tell you or explain diddly squit.

You are your own person, and the closure you need can come from within. He is not "better than you", therefore his opinion does not matter. All that matters in your situation is making it easy for him to continue to be a dad.

In the meantime, instead of trying to get blood out of a stone, be your own comforter. And you have us of course.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

It may yet work out for the best if you just accept things as they are.


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## Whitesboro (Nov 30, 2008)

Dear Now What, Please check your pm bacause I (Whitesboro) did send you one a while back. I sent it again. Would you please let me know if you received it now? Thanks and love


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## now_what (Sep 17, 2008)

Dear Whitesboro:

I did receive your message before, but I had sent a second message which I have sent again. Thanks for responding. 

My husband sent me an email today stating that he had started working with his attorney. I knew he was going to do that, but it makes me feel a little sad. 

Please keep in touch and let me know how you are doing. I do care, because I know how much this hurts. If anything, this experience is teaching me more empathy, because now I know what a bad breakup feels like and it pretty much sucks.


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