# Husband becoming a danger to himself and me - alcohol/depression



## marriagesucks (Sep 24, 2010)

I am frightened. I think my husband it going through emotional turmoil and started drinking alot lately and also gets into a temper and destroys things in the house. I lay in my bed and wake up frightened that he will get into a rage and end up doing something to me and or himself. He does not threaten to do it, but I feel uncomfortable like that could happen and can't sleep. Especially tonight because I yelled a him and threatened to tell his family if he didn't stop and get help tomorrow.

*Background*
We have been married 3 years. I didn't realize he had a problem with alcohol until after we were married because we never lived close together while dating. Hence my screen-name "marriagesucks". Things have gotten better recently between us. He tells me he loves me all the time, that i am the best thing that has happened to him, and not to leave him or he would be devastated. But when he got a new job recently and it didn't turn out as good as he expected, he started drinking more. Instead of beers, he started drinking more hard liquor and drinking to the point of intoxication more frequently. 

I thought that now since the holidays were over, he would get back to work (he is a salesman who works from home). But everyday he continues to go to the bar around 2 pm and comes home about 6pm. When he comes home he drinks some more. The last couple of days when he came home he would fall into my arms and start sobbing.

He has angry outbursts and says he feels something is wrong with him. I try to find out but I feel he problems go deep and he needs to get counseling. He promised me yesterday he would limit his drinking to 4 beers a day. He asked me to stop riding him about drinking. I tried being understanding, but tonight when he left at noon and came home drunk, I lost it. His job is so busy he has so much to do that there is not enough time in the day...but now he is waking up late (I had to wake him up at 9am) and he quits at 2pm to drink

I have no one to turn to. His family "blamed" me when he was on his last drinking binge which ended up putting him in the hospital. When they asked him why about this hospital visits he makes up some story. Then they look at me and think it is something I am doing to make him sick. Some of the comments are shameful. I did confide in his mother and she eventually started acting like I probably caused him to drink because I am making him unhappy in his marriage. 

I can't talk to any of my H's friends about this because they are all alcoholic. I don't like them because I think they are a bad influence. They don't like me either. In fact, one of them came out and said he wasn't having health problems before he met me.

I told him if he does not get help tomorrow, I am calling his older son (the only male without a drinking problem of all his family and friends). But now that I have calm down, I know all that will cause is family drama and I know they WILL blame me. I don't trust them. 

I told him we are going to see his family doctor tomorrow to discuss his options, even though I don't trust his doctor. The last time my H got like he went to his doctor on his own and the doctor gave him xanax because my husband told him he is "trying" to get off alcohol. You may not know, but if you take Xanax while intoxicated, it could kill you. A month after my H started taking it he started having panic attacks while driving and had to go to the emergency room several times. I called the doctor to tell him my H is taking them together with alcohol (which heightens the effect of alcohol) and he ended the conversation with me abruptly and continued to give my husband prescriptions. Luckily my husband stopped taking this combo on his own and also the panic attacks eventually stopped.

Thank you for reading. I hope you have any insight or ideas where to turn to get help. Right now he is sleeping on the couch and I am in a chair nearby. I just can't go to bed upstairs. I feel afraid to leave him alone.


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## hkbaker (Dec 10, 2010)

Any family member that "blames" you for your husband's drinking is a co-dependent. You should attend an al-anon meeting ASAP.

I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation. Your husband, like me it sounds, carries a painful childhood experience around with him all the time. He should try attending an AA meeting or two.

Working less than 5 hours a day so you can drink to drunkenness sounds like a textbook alcoholic to me. He is asking *YOU* to limit his drinking to 4 beers a day. That is not your responsibility.


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## marriagesucks (Sep 24, 2010)

thanks for your comments HKBaker. 
In fact he does have some issues that come from childhood I believe. He doesn't want to admit that he has a problem with alcohol. That is the problem. Except for his mother (who, even though I swore her to secrecy) has probably blabbed by now. But, at least 2 years ago when he had the hospital incidents, his family did not know that he had issues with alcohol to this extent and he did not want them to know. 

But yes, his mother knew, and she still made me out to be the bad person. That really hurt. I need their help, but I don't trust them. Well, I trust their sons more, but I don't want to hurt them by letting them know their father has this problem. I would consider doing it if I knew it would be kept confidential, but I feel they will rightfully tell other family members and I don't want my husband's problems to be all over the place and of course it will come back that I will be the one who was at fault for this.

I am just trying to find one person who is close to him that I can talk to but I can't come up with anyone. Even his own doctor is suspect.

I tried going to AA, but I don't think it is for me. I have had counseling and that has worked better.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I agree with the above poster...you need Al-Anon ASAP. You aren't responsible for HIS CHOICE to drink. You're at risk of becoming co-dependent yourself, if you aren't already. Not a good place to be. 
I understand your fears well. My ex couldn't drink. He was a nasty drunk. He stopped for many, many years. Then he started abusing drugs. At the very last (before I booted him for good) if he couldn't get the drugs, he would drink. He would destroy things in the house as well. I lost a beautiful oil painting of his grandfather (whom I adored) in his OU football uniform done the year he was All American for them. Broke my heart. Nothing is sacred to them in one of those drunken rages.
The night I booted him for good, he sat on our porch with a loaded 9mm assault rifle. Making veiled threats against me and the kids. I called the cops, and 6 cop cars showed up. They unloaded the gun, handed it to me and told him to leave the house. Then THEY all left. They didn't wait until he left. I swear that's a true story. So things can escalate. That doesn't mean that they WILL, but I'd sure keep an eye out on him. I don't trust any drunk who rages. 
Just please get to a meeting soon. It might become necessary for you to leave until he gets himself straightened out.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

You are not responsible for his choice to drink himself silly and be a drunk - he is the one responsible for his choices, regardless of what they are.

This is typical behavior for someone who hasn't accepted responsibility for their actions and he probably doesn't even believe that he has "a problem." Until he does, there isn't much you can do. You can cajole, plead, threaten, etc., but until he is ready to face the fact that he has a problem, nothing is going to change - unfortunately.

Al-anon is a good idea. There are also great blogs and websites for wives of alcoholics you can view/participate in.

If you can afford it or have insurance, counselling for yourself would be beneficial also. If he would go with you, that would be great too.

Don't worry about his family. Families tend to circle the wagon around other blood-related family members when there is trouble, regardless of whether that family member is the cause of it or not. As far as his family, f*** 'em when they give you looks - who cares what they think. They are in as much denial as he is. I'm not one to worry about what family thinks, my life, not theirs.

If you are physically scared of him, then that's a problem. If you can, maybe it's time to move out for a short time and stay with your family, tell him why and give him time to get help and digest the mess he has gotten himself into - and notice I say "he." Regardless of what he says, you didn't make him drink, he lifted that glass or bottle all by himself.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

As an alcoholic I can tell you that he isn't going to change until he hits bottom. In the meantime, you are probably going down with him.

Nothing you can do or say will change it unless you ARE doing something to cause it, but what in the world could you be doing???

My suggestion is to separate yourself from him and when he is ready to put his life back in order, set the boundaries by which you would agree. In the meantime, continue counseling.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Get him on the grass for a month, it's much easier to quit then booze.


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## marriagesucks (Sep 24, 2010)

Thanks for all your great advice. I am not sure what "get him on the grass" means though?

Yesterday he went out again in the afternoon. At least he had the decency to leave at 3pm and not earlier. But he came home at about 6 pm. I didn't say a word to him yesterday and he left and went to the bar again in the afternoon. When he came home, I left and took myself out to dinner not saying a word about where I went (even though he asked). He looked like crap today. He worked half day and left at noon to go to the bar. I guess he won't be back until 6 tonight. He looks like he is getting depressed.

I don't have a job. Where am I going to go. What am I going to do when he looses his job.


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