# I can't help thinking of them together....



## allowingthecakeeating (Mar 13, 2013)

Now that I know that the EA has turned to a PA....I keep thinking of them being together....
After 23 years with him, it is so painful. I try to be distracted but my mind keeps racing. How do I stop? Thanks


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## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

i wish i had answers for u on that. Idk if my stbxw is seeing someone or not. we have been separated a month and r putting the house up for sale tonight actually. I dont think i want to know. I have blocked her on fb and all of her friends just so i dont see her on fb n e more. its too painful for me. Try to avoid anything like that....stuff that reminds u of him. Whatever that may be. take down photos in the house of him. Do whatever it takes to keep ur mind on other things. Go out with friends, exercise, take up a hobby. get out there and meet people. he obviously doesnt care enough about u to worry about ur feelings or he wouldnt have left and continued to see this horrible woman. 23 yrs is a long time. I was with mine 11 and its very painful for me on a daily basis and hell, idk if she is texting other guys still. I know shes a bold face liar and i cant believe a word she sz anymore. Just keep pushing forward, that relationship will end too in time and karma will take over.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Time. I was in panic mode at first when I thought my WS would leave me for another man. Then I thought there is nothing I can do about it. It will be her decision. She has cheated so many times in the past I have to get over it. It was a several week process for me. I had to let her go. Detach emotionally from her. 

For me there was no man she was leaving me for. There are several men and she never planned on leaving me. I am leaving her.


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## Hurt&confused92 (Apr 6, 2013)

I am struggling with this very same thing. We are trying to make it work and it has been since Oct 2012 when I was told. (he actually cheated i think in July) I could write a very long post talking about it but long story short...he's cheated before with this woman early in our marriage. I dont know how to feel or really truly get past it. I love him and leaving is not what I want to do. He seems to be past it but he did wrong and hurt me so I can see him wanting to forget and move forward. Going back to revisit for him means hurting me all over again..

i dont think you ever really forget or stop thinking about it...i know i dont..but i try to talk with folks who are going thru or have been thru it and help them. talking about my pain kinda heals me some.


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

Hurt&confused92 said:


> I am struggling with this very same thing. We are trying to make it work and it has been since Oct 2012 when I was told. (he actually cheated i think in July) I could write a very long post talking about it but long story short...he's cheated before with this woman early in our marriage. I don't know how to feel or really truly get past it. I love him and leaving is not what I want to do. He seems to be past it but he did wrong and hurt me so I can see him wanting to forget and move forward. Going back to revisit for him means hurting me all over again..
> 
> I don't think you ever really forget or stop thinking about it...i know i don't..but i try to talk with folks who are going thru or have been thru it and help them. talking about my pain kinda heals me some.


Don't rug-sweep your husband's action just to get temporary peace, that will bite you in the ass eventually. You should start you own thread. I have learned so much from the regulars here it's kinda scary .

Sorry for the thread-jack


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

allowingthecakeeating said:


> Now that I know that the EA has turned to a PA....I keep thinking of them being together....
> After 23 years with him, it is so painful. I try to be distracted but my mind keeps racing. How do I stop? Thanks


I can only tell you my experience and I am 10 months out from Dday. TIME, time is the big helper here. The farther the event becomes the less it invades your mind. However, I still fight this fight, I am able to beat it more often then not. With time you also gain strength to fight those thoughts and images.

As long as your spouse is doing everything they can to help you, they are transparent, talking, answering your questions, being there for you, understanding your pain, being compassionate...then time will do it's part too. It does take both to help fight those thoughts. 

When they do get through though, when you just can't beat them, and you allow then in, change them up. If you are going to force yourself to view mind movies, images etc... make them in your mind seem very far away..like looking down a long hallway and make it get farther and farther away... this has helped me in the past, I read about doing that on this board.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What helped me (if anything really did) was to refocus my mind from "them" to "me". And, as B1 said, time helps. But it takes a very long time. Even then, you will never forget it because it's a life-changing event.


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## Twice (Mar 31, 2013)

I am dealing with the same thing you are, and I hasn't gotten any easier after a year has gone by since I found out.

In the beginning I howled at the moon, swore at God, blubbered into my pint, and all other manner of self flagellation. However, now that time has gone by I can say the pain has receded enough that I can get through the day...barely.

I had the unfortunate experience of seeing her carrying on with the OM... I have that picture burned my into brain so deep, I'm sure it will always haunt me for ever...which is a long time...

My recommendation: breath deep...practice self talk (I'm ok, I will survive, I am getting better each day) and SEEK professional help. You need an outlet for your thoughts...go to counciling!!! it is helping me.

Good luck, and keep coming here to share and be heard... We know what its like to and care about you.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

OK truth be told... It is not easy and it will not get any easier fast. A lot of people used to tell me Time will heal and help. It does, so just try to live one day at a time, it is the only thing you can do. 

My H and I were separated a year after Dday, a lot of pain and stupid things happened that year. During that time I refocused on me and my son. I started figuring out what I wanted, how I wanted it and when I wanted it. Besides counseling, get a hobby, reconnect with friends and do what makes you feel good. I picked up on dancing lessons and running. When ever I was having a horrible thought, and I could, I would go running. Yes, I do sound like Forrest Gump but it helped. My endorphines from excercise would help me get over the thought. I looked for my friends and I would go anywhere they would invite me. I would have Friday night dinner dates with my son (his only 2) and I would read and write like there was no end. Look for ways to get you through the day and soon you will see that your focus will shift. Mine did and my old self came back knocking at the door!


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

I like Grey Goose's advice, and i second it. 
Focus on yourself instead of your WS. Its hard to push the images away, i still have trouble with it sometimes. 
What helps me is telling myself that tjose thoughts and those people (yes i consider my wife a different person at that point in time) arent WORTH my time, and they dont DESERVE any of my time. 
That helps me shut it down. But i dont really think it ever goes 100% away. You just have to be able to deal with it (if you feel your marriage is worth it), or leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Every one is different. I hear it takes "time" and it lessons. 

I am a couple months away from the 2 year mark when my guy had a ONS...personally, for me...time doesn't heal anything. The mind movies are as strong if not stronger now than the few months after I found out. 

Honestly, I don't think it will ever go away. You just have to decide if it is something that you can live with or not.


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

Are you IC?


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