# I lied ...Wife has lost trust..what can I do?



## Alwaysconfused (Feb 18, 2010)

I have been married for close to 8 months and our marriage has been a little rocky. She and I have a good relationship and I do my best to make her happy but today I blew it.


Today I had gone to a friends house to hang out for a few after work. My wife does not like my friends because they drink and smoke. My wife usually works until 8p so I planned to make it home before she did.

At 7p She texted me to ask "R u off (from work) yet? My text replied that i was "finishing a conference" which was with my friends. When I go to my car at 7:20 and my wife is standing there. She is upset and she says that she can't trust me and told me to pack up and leave.

I know that I lied but she will not talk to me to hear what I have to say. Trust is important in a relationship but so is friends whether they make bad decisions or not. What should I do?


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Alwaysconfused said:


> ... She is upset and she says that she can't trust me and told me to pack up and leave ...


I would do what she says.

A highly disproportionate response such as this means one of two things:

1) Calculated: She is trying to "shock and awe" you so that you never stray from the straight and narrow path again. This kind of control game has no place in a marriage, or any adult relationship for that matter.

2) Irrational: She is unhinged and actually thinks that the appropriate response to her husband hanging out with friends is divorce. This is nut case behaviour, run.

Either way, seems to me like "good riddance."

Good luck.


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## TempTime (Jan 31, 2010)

Alex - Wow. Harsh.

Your wife DID make an overblown response to this - IF it is an isolated event.... 
you say the marriage has been "rocky," so I'm guessing there was way more to this than this one occurrence.
Honesty is important - I think the two of you need to get to the bottom of why you need to lie about being with your friends - AND why she has such an issue with your friends... There are definitely TWO sides to this story!!

It does sound like you want to work it out. Give her some cooling off time and then try to talk it out!
Good Luck!


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Alwaysconfused said:


> At 7p She texted me to ask "R u off (from work) yet? My text replied that i was "finishing a conference" which was with my friends. When I go to my car at 7:20 and my wife is standing there. She is upset and she says that she can't trust me and told me to pack up and leave.
> 
> I know that I lied but she will not talk to me to hear what I have to say. Trust is important in a relationship but so is friends whether they make bad decisions or not. What should I do?


What are you not telling us? For your wife to set up a sting like this, going to where she thinks you are, finding your car there, and then asking if you were off work yet, she had to suspect that you've lied to her a _lot_. She didn't set this up on a casual whim: this was an explicit test of your honesty and you failed.

Visiting with friends isn't the problem, even if they're friends she doesn't like. What you say is "I know you don't like them, but I do. You don't have to hang out with them if you don't want to. But even in a marriage, some of my time is my own, and I want to use it with them."

Lying is a problem. She already didn't trust you, or she wouldn't have done this. This was her giving you an explicit chance to prove yourself, and you failed. But this chance has to have come at the end of a long period of suspicion.

So what _else_ has happened, before this, which has caused her to lose trust in you?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You can only rebuild trust by being 100% honest, no matter what. You lied to avoid conflict. Cowardly. Man up and defend your beliefs. If she continues to harp on something, so what. Calmly repeat your position and be 100% honest in all ways.

It is obvious this was not an isolated event--you have used 1/2 truths and lies to avoid conflict before, and she knows it. She may seriously be at the point where she feels she cannot take it anymore. Take her at her word. Maybe she will give you one more chance, but that's all you'll get, so don't blow it if you get it.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

AlexNY said:


> I would do what she says.
> 
> A highly disproportionate response such as this means one of two things:
> 
> ...


She threw him out for lying, not for hanging out with friends. Therefore it is not irrational/nut case behavior. He lied and it does not appear to have been the first time. He's acting like a naughty little boy. Maybe she doesn't want to have to mother him. Can't say that I blame her.


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## Alwaysconfused (Feb 18, 2010)

Thank you for all of your input. She says it was "intuition" that she decided to go by my friends house. I have not been a constant liar and respect her in all ways. Yes. A lie is a lie and I should not have lied. Maybe it was cowardly but it is not cowardly to ask for forgiveness.

Is it cowardly to hold it against me to avoid discussing the problem? We have set up times for counseling but can not get there due to a work situation or even the cost. 

Lying is powerful but so is "admission by omission". When I ask her what time she gets off work she would not answer with a exact time. She wants me to call her soley and not a text but has texting conversations with friends all the time. It made me feel like I am not that important.

I dont want to be a pu$$y but I love my wife so much and would do anything to keep her in my heart and life.


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

Ditto everyone else asking what you did to lose trust before this incident? Although trust is essential, your wifes immediate reaction does seem a bit over the top.

We have similar stories, except I am the wife who was lied to while my H (of almost 9 months, been together 10 years) went to the bar or to his friends house on a regular basis for 4 months. During this time he spent $2000 that we didn't have to fund his jolly times. He told me he was at work and I believed him because I trusted him. Not anymore. I'd be a fool.

I found out February 1st when he confessed because I was onto him and probably would have caught him the next day. I felt hurt, angry, betrayed, etc. Wondered if I could forgive and ever trust him again. I still do. He had to agree to be transparent, among other things if I was going to work on forgiving and trusting him. A couple weeks ago I caught him in two pretty stupid lies and kinda lost it. I cried, told him he was an incurable liar, and ignored his apologies until the next day. He seemed to learn from this that I have ZERO tolerance for lies because he has been telling me everything he does since then, well see. It doesn't hurt that I looked into GPS for his phone (and told him) and he thinks I may have signed him up. Haven't decided if it's necessary yet. 

My advice: Do what she says. Don't lie to her anymore. If you really want to be friends with these people, tell her that, and agree on when you can hang out with them. Good luck.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

This is truly my "gut feeling" here but let me tell you what I hear when I read your post, okay?



> Thank you for all of your input. She says it was "intuition" that she decided to go by my friends house. I have not been a constant liar and respect her in all ways. Yes. A lie is a lie and I should not have lied. Maybe it was cowardly but it is not cowardly to ask for forgiveness.


Soooo...for the whole 8 months you have told the truth up-and-up, been fully transparent, let her know where you are and who you're with and what you're doing. Then out of the blue she has "intuition" that you're with the friends she has told you she doesn't like. Even to me that sounds like "Yeah...RIGHT!" 

My guess is that she has tried to tell you to not hang with these people and that you have over and over again chosen them over her. In the end this is honoring other people over the one to whom you have committed yourself. Your promise is to HER and her alone, not them. 

Then you say that "a lie is a lie and it's cowardly but it's not cowardly to ask for forgiveness." Okay...forgiveness is not something you just get cuz you asked. For her to forgive you, you would have to show repentance which means that you admit that what you did was wrong, you have empathy for how it hurt her and made her second behind your friends, you have a plan how to NOT do that again, and you let her do what she needs to do in order to feel safe because of your bad choices that hurt her! I don't hear any of that in your posts. I don't hear you even admitting that what you did was wrong! What I do hear is something like: "Oh yeah it was wrong but I said I'm sorry so she's a witch for not forgiving me and letting me do it again."



> Is it cowardly to hold it against me to avoid discussing the problem? We have set up times for counseling but can not get there due to a work situation or even the cost.


Soooo...rather than looking at your lying and lack of repentance, you're pointing blame at her, looking at "what she didn't do" and making excuses for why you haven't gone to counseling. Work and money are more important to you than your marriage. 



> Lying is powerful but so is "admission by omission". When I ask her what time she gets off work she would not answer with a exact time. She wants me to call her soley and not a text but has texting conversations with friends all the time. It made me feel like I am not that important.


Again, rather than looking at yourself and what you did wrong--rather than taking personal responsibility and fixing what you did--you are looking at her and blaming her and using something she did to justify why it's okay for YOU to do something wrong now. 

Huh....If *A* does something wrong then it is okay for *B* to do something wrong -AND- now it's not wrong? No. 



> I dont want to be a pu$$y but I love my wife so much and would do anything to keep her in my heart and life.


This is just not true. You won't go to counseling. You won't stop seeing the friends. You won't admit you were wrong. You won't apologize. You won't take personal responsibility for your stuff. 

Here's my thought. You look at YOU!! Look to yourself and what you did wrong. If it was wrong admit it and sincerely apologize. Not "I'm sorry" (lame) but really mean it from your heart and tell her what you did wrong that you know was wrong! Tell her you empathize with how she'd be hurt by being second in your life and being deceived. Tell her what you plan to do in order to make her FIRST in your life and deal with your lack of personal responsibility! Figure out a way to get to counseling.


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## Alwaysconfused (Feb 18, 2010)

AffairCare you have valid points. Looking at myself is essential to us moving on. I do want to say that I have seen my friends only once a month. I don't hang out with them all the time nor do I party with them because I respect my wife so much. Counseling is not free and rent, utilities and bills must take preceedant. My wife wont pay for it..it falls on me along with the rent, utilities and other bills. She pays nothing towards the household. Would it be wrong to look to her as my wife to pay as a benefit for "US"?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H used to tell me small lies all the time. at first it really ticked me off and i would blow up just like your wife. but we did a boundary book together (Boundaries in marriage by cloud and townsend) that helped a lot. At first, though, the fighting got worse. I had a lot of things to learn- which was obviously a hard pill to swallow since he was the liar. I thought he needed to grovel at my feet, which didnt happen. He had some resentments of his own and i didnt take it very well at first. But slowly he learned to stand up to me (instead of lying) and i learned that just because he wont "obey" me, that doesnt mean he doesnt love me.


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

I told you my story hoping that it might give you some insight, but it seems you are not getting it.

Why are you still refusing to take responsibility and instead trying to find ways to shift the blame onto your wife? You lied to her. Period. It doesn't matter what your intentions were, you hurt her with your lies. She can't trust you. Now when you tell her where you are, she will wonder if you are with your friends, having an affair, or whatever her mind comes up with. You destroyed your wifes ability to accept what comes out of your mouth. Her life partner, who she should trust more than anyone. 

You need to realize what you did, make sure she knows how very sorry you are, and if she is willing to give you a chance, never lie to her again. Stop blaming her. There is no excuse for lying to your spouse unless you are throwing them a surprise party.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

It would be wrong to ask your wife to foot the bill for counseling IF you have been spending/wasting money on things you lied about. Of course she should be contributing to the family expenses in proportion to her income--if you make 60% of your combined incomes and she makes 40%, then split bills, etc., that way. Then both of you are sharing responsibility for everything and no one is "footing the bill" alone for anything.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Alwaysconfused said:


> ... I do want to say that I have seen my friends only once a month. I don't hang out with them all the time nor do I party with them because I respect my wife so much.


Okay I think I see. So disrespecting you twelve times a year is acceptable, as well as ignoring your wishes and putting you behind my own "fun." Cool. I suggest you let your wife know that she can hang out with other men and have as much "fun" as she wants with the guys you don't like. She's free to ignore you and it's okay for her to slap you across the face...as long as it's only once-a-month.  

Seriously? Does that sound reasonable to you? Is it okay to abuse someone as long as it's "not very often" or only have an affair once a month? No of course not! And it is not okay for you to do it either. And please note: yet AGAIN you are making excuses why it is okay for you to hurt someone you say you love. Last time it as "Well if she did something wrong then it makes MY doing something wrong okay." This time it's "Well okay so it is wrong but I only hit her once a month. It's not that often so it's not all that wrong."



> Counseling is not free and rent, utilities and bills must take preceedant. My wife wont pay for it..it falls on me along with the rent, utilities and other bills.


Oh? What would divorce cost you? Would you lose half of your household income? Plus the cost of attorneys? How about legal filing fees? Losing half of your possessions (like your bed, computer or favorite recliner)? So please tell me again what is more important to you? 



> She pays nothing towards the household. Would it be wrong to look to her as my wife to pay as a benefit for "US"?


Not necessarily to help pay, but so far you've shown excuse after excuse for yourself, the wrong you did, why it was okay, why it wasn't "that wrong" and now you want to break the agreement you have with her about how to split money and make her pay? This is just me, but I think it would possibly work a whole lot better to say "I think we may need counseling for our marriage and I am willing to commit to it even over and above some bills and expenses we don't need. I volunteer to give up my WOW account toward the counseling--would you be willing to give up some to that expense too?"  Leading by example.


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## JTL (Dec 14, 2009)

I certainly will not preach or pretend i know what the right thing to do is. I am currently losing my relationship due to lying. We started young and the lies were very rare. Then, as we grew older, they happened a little more often. Even after everything blew up in my face, i was unable to totally be truthful on everything i did and how i felt (until recently). The lies started in the exact manner you're describing. You must be honest with her and yourself. You sound young, make sure this relationship is what you want. It may have to be by her terms: Are you OK with that (forever). DON'T LIE. PERIOD. It will cause too much hurt and turmoil down the road. Trust can be regained, however, it will be very time consuming and requires a lot of work. It sounds as if your transgressions were somewhat minor. If you value this relationship and want to save it, nip this in the bud now. And do not ever lie or put yourself in a position to lie again. This goes for friend's secrets, what happened at a stag, what so and so told you, whatever. Be transparent or don't bother. I wish someone had told me this when i was in my mid twenties.


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## pokergirl007 (Mar 17, 2010)

JTL - My SO lies to me all the time about things he really doesnt need to lie about and I just dont understand WHY????? It makes me feel so disrespected..... any male perspective into this would be soooooo helpful. Ive reached the point now that I am considering leaving because I dont think I can stand one more lie....


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## Alwaysconfused (Feb 18, 2010)

I do know that I lied because I did not want an argument to pursue. People lie to make themselves feel more important, maybe to enhance their image or to make sure that you don't know what they are really doing. If you have not done so you must confront him and his lying. LEt him know how you feel and that you are ready to walk away to save your heart as well as your sanity. 

I am in conseling now and we have been discussing the lie and the problems that it causes. My wife has said that it destroyed her trust in me and that it made her start to think about all the times in the past and is now uncertain about the other things that I have said "even our vows". If he really is ready to make a stand for you, your trust and your heart start counseling or sit down and discuss the effects of the lies in your relationship. Good Luck!!


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## pokergirl007 (Mar 17, 2010)

I talked to my H last night about the lying, he told me I was to blame, that its no big deal , what man wouldnt lie and that he's done nothing wrong... that my feeling about his lying to me are irrational... and that its not going to change "its what men do".... needless to say, Im done and I told him as much. He can choose how to treat me but he can't decide for me what Im willing to live with (although he seems to think he can).... thanks for your post... I wish my husband understood it the way that you seem to. good luck to you ...


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## larson75 (Mar 24, 2010)

Thanks for the post of yours I have lied to my wife and I have changed my ways but she still has trust problems I know I'm telling her the truth just can't make her see that I am telling her the truth she has recamended me to read and post to find answers on how I can prove that I am telling her the truth I don't know if I should look at this as she is giveing me a chance or she just want me to read about the same problems I know I have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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