# I think I hate my husband



## kree3 (May 24, 2013)

I think I hate my husband. Just the sight of this man angers me. I am emotionally drained and ready to call it quits....but am I really? One minute I am ready to leave then I feel guilty and wonder if I can squeeze anything else of this dead shriveled up marriage.

We have been married for almost 12 years, together 14. We have three children, ages 9,7,and 5. There was a time where the love i felt deep in my bones for my husband was as strong and the resentment and anger is now. Back then, I could not imagine my life without him...ever. He was perfect. Everything I needed. 

He started to grow distant during our first year of marriage. We were trying for a baby and it was not going well. It was the first time I had my suspicions that he was unfaithful. Fast forward five years later and those suspicions reared their ugly head again only this time he had been caught kissing someone. We argued and cried and I broke a window, but agreed to go to counseling to try and work things out because at the time I had a three week old baby and a two year old. 

For next few years things were not perfect by any means. He drank too much and spent too much money, but things were, for the most part....quiet. Then soon after the birth of our third child the **** hit the fan. It came out that my husband had been having a months long affair with a woman that lived in an entirely different state. He had practically lived with her for half the time. He travels about 200 days a year for his job and met her while working. So, i did what any sane person would do, took all of the money and moved everything out of the house while he was gone. That was five years ago.

The road to reconciliation was not an easy one and is a new thread in and of itself. Nevertheless, I went back determined to give this marriage all i have. I would not fail my children. While I am not 100% sure that he has not cheated since then, I dont think he has been unfaithful. He has seemed to engage in every selfish act known to man though. He is a habitual liar. He will lie straight to your face without any shame. He has mastered telling people what they want to hear then turning around and doing what he really wants to do. He has become an alcoholic. A lying, cheating, alcoholic.

I want to leave but Im afraid to make the leap. My kids dont deserve what he has done to this family and yet at the same time they do not deserve what I will do to it by leaving. At this point I am emotionally exhausted. I have nothing left to give....or do I? Someone else could hurt me just as easily...the grass my not be greener on the other side. Then again, I am only 32 and I dont want to look back at 42 and wish I had not wasted more time on this man. Any love I have for him is being smothered by all the anger and resentment I have for the affair, for him not really trying to make this marriage work, for all the time he is off touring the world eating expensive meals and staying in fancy hotels and I am wiping butts and packing school lunches. 

I could go on and on which I clearly have to some degree....BOTTOMLINE...Do I stay or do I go?


----------



## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Go. If he is not showing progress or remorse. Then get on with your life while you're still young


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry you are here. I can definately understand how you feel. 

Does your husband still travel a lot?

Do you have a full time job and/or skills that can earn enough of an income to support yourself and your children with child support?

What kind of support system do you have? Friends? Family?


----------



## kree3 (May 24, 2013)

He still travels. It is normal for us. My kids do not know anything else. 

I do have a full time job, but I would still need substantial financial help from him to maintain our life the way it is. By no means does that mean I am not willing to sacrifice. We just dont have much wiggle room as it is.

I am lucky to have a great support system including his family. His mother in particular understands me and has expressed her own concern and frustration with his behavior.

He likes to pacify situations and do what he thinks is expected of him until he feels reassured that everything is good again....then he is up to his old tricks again.


----------



## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I can understand you are feeling kind of stuck and scared to make a move. It's normal to feel that way in situations like this. Believe me, I know.

But since your H is moving from one addiction to another, it seems like he's not fully understanding what he's done to your family and to you. If you stay, do you think you will be happy? What does your gut tell you?


----------



## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I'm sorry your here, anger is a powerful emotion, but its still an emotion. The infidelity issues are very hard to overcome, if it happened once, the trust takes years to regain, but if its happened again and again, NOW your spending more time looking for it than being happy and rebuilding the marriage. I highly recommend getting yourself into some independent counseling right away. Only you can decide if your still willing to put up with the infidelity.

I'd normally say trying a trial separation, but its sounds like time apart is already your problem. But that's cause he's not really being held accountable for his previous actions. He keeps "getting away" with it to some degree, so why does he have to stop if he only has to play nice for a while to get back into the home for a short time.

I still think a separation would help, but you have to put some boundries up, and be (both of you) willing to use that time to address some issues. A good marriage counselor can give you those guidelines, and then maybe he'd actually see the "grass isn't greener" away from his kids, wife, and life in its new format.

Please seek profession help, and make sure you feel a connection with that therapist, don't just settle for the first one if its just not there for you. google therapist in your area. Good luck, I hope you get the resolution you seek.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I'm on my own fence, about to head away from my marriage.

My hunch is if you stay, he will never be uncomfortable enough to change himself.

If you leave, there are no guarantees. But it seems leaving is your only chance for building health and happiness in your life, and to model for your children what it sometimes means to refuse to accept destructive and hurtful patterns of behavior from those who demand a free pass.

And, yes, you'd be remiss if you didn't make find a good therapist to support you immediately and in the near future, regardless of what you decide about divorce.

I wish you strength and clarity, plus all the future happiness you deserve (an abundance).


----------



## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Why are you so emotionally drained right now? Something must have happened just recently. You said you reconciled with your husband and you doubt he is cheating on you now, so is it because you are thinking about all the bad things that happened in the past?

When your husband is home and everyone is together, what is the mood? Is there tension? Constant fighting and arguments?

And how is he as a father? Do your children adore him? You said he is out 200 days a year, so it seems like he doesn't have much time with them. 

Please elaborate more.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

GO. You have a much better chance of finding happiness by leaving than staying with this man. And your children will no longer be subjected to a toxic household with a terrible example of a marriage.


----------



## kree3 (May 24, 2013)

It is always something with him. I feel like I have no idea what he is going to do from one day to the next. I'm drained from the constant worrying and waiting for him to yet again pull the rug out from underneath me.

On the plus side, he is a great father. He is very hands on and is exceptionally helpful when it comes to the kids. It is sad that he is not as involved as a husband. 

As far as the mood between us, it is civil at best. He tries to lighten the mood, but it just seems so ridiculous. How can I possibly talk to him about stupid, non-important stuff when there is so many important things to be discussed. If it were up to him we would just pretend like nothing ever happened.


----------



## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

You say you went back to the marriage 100% committed and are sure he is not cheating on you. You loved this man with all your heart before. He is also an excellent father to your children.

Now outside of his drinking, is there any other problem? You say he lies, but is it to you? Remember you just said he isn't cheating. 

At the end of the day, you never forgave him for his affair. You want him to feel remorseful but he isn't, and that is eating you up. You want to talk about heavy things but he's over it and wants to keep it light. Do you blame him? When he sees you he probably feels that an argument is around the corner. To top it off, you are resentful of him after getting back together because he continues to travel and live the life of corporate excess while you stay at home and watch the kids. Then when he comes home the kids are probably so excited to see him and probably give him so much attention. Unfair isn't it?

So scared of pulling the rug means what? Him having another affair?


----------



## kree3 (May 24, 2013)

Alpha said:


> You say you went back to the marriage 100% committed and are sure he is not cheating on you. You loved this man with all your heart before. He is also an excellent father to your children.
> 
> Now outside of his drinking, is there any other problem? You say he lies, but is it to you? Remember you just said he isn't cheating.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## kree3 (May 24, 2013)

I absolutely committed to the marriage 100% after the affair and here is why...because I realize that I am NOT perfect and although I didn't go outside our marriage I contributed to the breakdown of the marriage. I Gabe alkyl my attention to my children, I tried to be the perfect mother and neglected my husband, and when I knew things were going downhill I ignored it. I absolutely own my responsibility in what happened to us. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but I held myself as much accountable as him. I went back into the marriage giving it everything I had. There is not a thing I wouldn't have done to make it right. So there I am giving it all I have, accepting responsibilityfor my share, being the woman he wants me to be when I get a call from a credit card company saying that the new card I just opened is maxed out and they haven't received a payment in almost 60 days...rug pulled out from underneath me. Going behind my back and opening a credit card then maxing it out. Then there I am again, a year down the road and I find out he had between lying about where he has been when he is supposed to be working...rug pulled out from underneath me! Or...how about the time he was caught posting a picture of his **** online when I was pregnant with his child...or when her gambled all our money and I could not buy diapers....or finding out that he is purchasing pain meds off the street.

I have heard the words "I'm sorry" more than anyone should ever hear from the person that is supposed to love them. He wants to keep things "light" because that is what is easier for him. He should be taking about heavy stuff...to a psychiatrist. He has admitted to making a habit of telling people what they want to hear and going off and sling what he wants behind their back because it is easier than telling them the truth.

How can I EVER move past the affair when he has continued to betray me. As I previously stated...he is a habitual liar...an admitted one. In what way would that kind of behavior ever allow for a marriage to be repaired? I'm not at all afraid of him having another affair..I'm already so used to his antics that itit wouldn't even phase me much...sad.

As far as my children go, I would never want them to think badly of their father. If my girls ever found out the things he has done to me, they would pt him in the same category as the first jerk to ever break their hearts. I wil never tell them what he has done. I am glad they have a good relationship with him. However, there will come a time when he will have to answer to them for all the birthdays, performances, and holidays he has missed....some by choice and I well not make any excuses for him. He is making his choices...and I need to make mine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## kree3 (May 24, 2013)

And I might add that if it were not for my family he would not be "living the life of corporate excess" to begin with...he would still be digging ditches and swimming in ****....literally
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Well Kree at least we know now the full extent of why you hate your husband. His behavior is deplorable. 

I believe you have answered the question yourself.


----------

