# Married for 7 years....no sex or intimacy in the last 4 years. Should I leave?



## bplegend (Nov 16, 2011)

Hello all,

I believe my resentment towards my wife and the belief things will never change has led me to become completely comfortable with beginning the process of moving on versus finding a friend with benefits on the side thats in a similar situation.

My wife during our dating phase which lasted several years was great. She often in fact initiated sex. I can recall on several occasions in fact being too tired or not in the mood and the following morning she almost insisted on having sex as if to get her way. 

Once we married, it stopped cold turkey as if the mission had been accomplished. I dont believe we had sex more than a handful of times each year the first 3 years of marriage. In December 2007 while on a trip to Cancun for Christmas she basically laid on her back and had sex with me once. When we returned home she wrote an email to her sister which her sister later shared with me that implied she did not enjoy being sexual with me anymore. 

The last 4 years this lack of intimacy in our marriage has led to many arguments and times of little to no talking between us. Ive become withdrawn focused a lot more on our business and spend a lot of time on the kids extracurricular activities. Yet its the one thing that constantly lingers. When we do talk about it she shruggs it off and says theres nothing I can say she hasnt heard before. We've done counceling (several times). She blames or makes excuses and provides a million reasons why she hasnt prioritized sex in our marriage or why it doesnt happen. Basically shes got every angle covered to give her comfort in choosing to ignore sex. 

Yet she expects me to remember all the special days of the year like anniversaries, valentines, birthdays, mothers days...and the gifts need to be thoughtful and preferably jewelry and high end purses and apparel. Last biurthday she got a full body lipo which she didnt need in my opinion. She has no complaints about me not doing my part at home or in our relationship in general. We're both very responsible and do our part and contribute equally. She just says sex isnt a priority for her. Yet shes constantly surveying me to make sure Im not developing interest elsewhere.

My question is...should I just pack it up? i find myself being resentful beyond what i feel is repairable now and ive begun losing my cool in arguments with her. I've lost some respect for her and feel I'd be happier single than married and feeling like im not wanted by my wife. Any advice out there?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

4 years without sex, I would leave my wife, no question.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

yep time to ride off into the sunset.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

BPLegend-

You and your wife need counseling. Ooops. Wait. You've done that several times. 

Well, try telling her about your needs. Oh, I see you've done that also.

Well, maybe be sensitive and caring, give her gifts on special occasions. Doh. Been there, done that, too.

Maybe you should try telling her to f*ck off and find another meal ticket, and you go find a woman who likes you enough to have sex with you. There are plenty of women out there that would be thrilled to have a man who would do any of the above things that you have tried to do to fix your marriage.

Go find one of them! Roommates are for college, not marriage.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Continuing on this path will only lead to depression in you and you becoming more of the person who brings home the paycheck so she can enjoy her life.

Life is too short. 

File for Divorce.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I do not understand women who do this 'bait and switch' routine. Geez.

I would have left after year one. I would have said, "We have to fix this..." and if no effort on her part, I would have filed.

NO ONE gets married to be sexless. Shoot...I had sex more than 3 times a year when I was single and wasn't even committed to someone.  lolllll


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Unfortunately it sounds as if you've exhausted the normal processes one would follow to address the issue without results. Your resentment will continue to grow and that's understandable, but it will kill the marriage sooner or later as well as have a negative impact on your kids. Play the D card and if she isn't willing to work on meeting your needs by increasing intimacy begin the process. Better this route than to cheat. Sorry.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Run ther MAP : Married Man Sex Life


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

You know, there's typically a reason why a woman becomes less sexual with her husband. If you truly want to save your marriage, then you need to discover that reason.

You may think that you are legitimately meeting her needs within the marriage, but you may actually be falling far short. See, it's usually a complicated little dance between the man and woman and not always just a one-sided thing.

You've documented what you feel are her faults in the marriage. What are yours? Would you be willing to change those?

Go read this.

The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Then, ask yourself very HONESTLY, have YOU really been doing all that could be done?

And, never get a 'friend with benefits' on the side. Do the honourable thing and free your wife from the marriage first if it comes to that.

Best wishes.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Maybe a separation would wake her up. You have every right to leave if she refuses to have sex with you.

Well, refuses to have sex with you for an extended period of time. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> You know, there's typically a reason why a woman becomes less sexual with her husband. If you truly want to save your marriage, then you need to discover that reason.
> 
> You may think that you are legitimately meeting her needs within the marriage, but you may actually be falling far short. See, it's usually a complicated little dance between the man and woman and not always just a one-sided thing.
> 
> ...


where dose the wife comunicating her needs too her husband fit in with your advice? its always a guessing game with this type of advice?

not that i disagree with what you are saying but it gets old guessing


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> where dose the wife comunicating her needs too her husband fit in with your advice? its always a guessing game with this type of advice?
> 
> not that i disagree with what you are saying but it gets old guessing


It can help open up the dialogue in many cases.

For many people (yes, women too), trying to express something that is very emotionally driven can be hard to express in words. It's like trying to explain the word "angry" or "happy" when those involve feelings - how do you put those in to words? Maybe all his wife knows is the way he acts towards her makes her unhappy, but she cannot express that verbally so she expresses it through her actions. I think many people are unable to really communicate their feelings well and what causes them to feel that way.

But, for instance, on the marriagebuilders.com site that I referenced there are some tools that can help couples start this communication process. That is also where a third-party professional can be valuable.

And, whoever comes to the TAM site first, gets dibs for making the first move toward a resolution.


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## bplegend (Nov 16, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> You know, there's typically a reason why a woman becomes less sexual with her husband. If you truly want to save your marriage, then you need to discover that reason.
> 
> You may think that you are legitimately meeting her needs within the marriage, but you may actually be falling far short. See, it's usually a complicated little dance between the man and woman and not always just a one-sided thing.
> 
> ...


I cannot agree more. I've asked....and this is what she emailed me the last time this came up: "It is not physically an issue for me to go without sex, but I do realize that most men are not happy without it because it fulfills them so therefore if you want me to have sex to fulfill you thats fine but do you want to have sex thats not meaningfull like that?" 

Now what shoudl i interpret from this other than she doesnt care to have sex and if she does its only to please me and not enjoy it herself? Having said all of this....I must be clear about something. I love her dearly. I love her immensly and having to move on will be a difficult thing to do. She knows what this is doing to me, self -esteem wise, confindence-wise, mood-wise...and to allow me as her spouse to endure this for this long and expect me to continue like this. Thanks for the feedback....I think this will help in my decision making.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

bplegend said:


> My question is...should I just pack it up?


Yes.

4 years?

I would have left after 4 months tops.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

bplegend said:


> I cannot agree more. I've asked....and this is what she emailed me the last time this came up: "It is not physically an issue for me to go without sex, but I do realize that most men are not happy without it because it fulfills them so therefore if you want me to have sex to fulfill you thats fine but do you want to have sex thats not meaningfull like that?"
> 
> Now what shoudl i interpret from this other than she doesnt care to have sex and if she does its only to please me and not enjoy it herself? Having said all of this....I must be clear about something. I love her dearly. I love her immensly and having to move on will be a difficult thing to do. She knows what this is doing to me, self -esteem wise, confindence-wise, mood-wise...and to allow me as her spouse to endure this for this long and expect me to continue like this. Thanks for the feedback....I think this will help in my decision making.


Hmmm... sounds like your wife may have a lot of resentment toward you? And a bit manipulative too. Does she routinely act like this toward you? If so, you should go over to the Men's Clubhouse and read through the sticky thread at the top searching for "fitness testing" because it sounds like your wife threw a doozy at you. You could have asked her "What could I do for you that would make sex meaningful for you, then? Because I want it to be meaningful for both of us."

Why was the reason that she wanted to have the lipo done? Have there been any other changes in her - I'm not saying she could be looking elsewhere, but I thought it was interesting she was willing to endure a procedure like that and constantly watches so you don't stray, and for what? Not trying to put other thoughts in your head, just trying to understand what might be going through hers.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

bplegend said:


> I cannot agree more. I've asked....and this is what she emailed me the last time this came up: "It is not physically an issue for me to go without sex, but I do realize that most men are not happy without it because it fulfills them so therefore if you want me to have sex to fulfill you thats fine but do you want to have sex thats not meaningful like that?"
> 
> Now what should i interpret from this other than she doesn't care to have sex and if she does its only to please me and not enjoy it herself? Having said all of this....I must be clear about something. I love her dearly. I love her immensely and having to move on will be a difficult thing to do. She knows what this is doing to me, self -esteem wise, confidence-wise, mood-wise...and to allow me as her spouse to endure this for this long and expect me to continue like this. Thanks for the feedback....I think this will help in my decision making.


BPLegend- I don't think its possible to simultaneously "love someone dearly" and resent them for not having sex with you for 4 years to the point that you are considering leaving them. 

From what you have written, it is clear that you love her dearly. You love her immensely and having to move on will be a difficult thing to do. You love her so much that you have stood around for 4 years while she withheld sex from you. You love her so much that you have clearly communicated to her how much you want to have sex with her.

But let's look at it from her end!

Dude, your wife positively, absolutely *likes you really a lot.* She totally digs having you around to pay her bills. She thinks you are a very sensitive and sweet guy. Her best friend ever. She likes that she doesn't have to have sex with you. She likes it when, if you ask her for sex, she points out that she wouldn't enjoy it, and how could you possibly enjoy it if she doesn't enjoy it? She likes how, after that, you head off to the bathroom with a handful of tissues. She likes that you are willing to slowly lose your self confidence and self esteem in lieu of her having to have sex with you.

If she actually LOVED you, she would be having SEX with you.

Normally I would write a few paragraphs about figuring out how much sex you need to be happy in the relationship, and sitting down with your partner and making sure they understand and all that. FOUR YEARS WITH NO SEX IS PAST THE TALKING STAGE. You've done counseling. You've done open honest communication. You've done Johnny-Sensitive, giving her gifts and stuff.

I know you think you love her, because you're comfortable and used to her. And a little voice in the back of your head is screaming, "She's my wife, I should be having sex with her! Why am I not having sex with her?" That's the voice you need to listen to.

Life is too short to be married for 4 years and not have any sex.

Leave her, and find a woman who likes you enough to, you know, HAVE SEX WITH YOU!


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## bplegend (Nov 16, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Hmmm... sounds like your wife may have a lot of resentment toward you? And a bit manipulative too. Does she routinely act like this toward you? If so, you should go over to the Men's Clubhouse and read through the sticky thread at the top searching for "fitness testing" because it sounds like your wife threw a doozy at you. You could have asked her "What could I do for you that would make sex meaningful for you, then? Because I want it to be meaningful for both of us."
> 
> Why was the reason that she wanted to have the lipo done? Have there been any other changes in her - I'm not saying she could be looking elsewhere, but I thought it was interesting she was willing to endure a procedure like that and constantly watches so you don't stray, and for what? Not trying to put other thoughts in your head, just trying to understand what might be going through hers.


Well as a part of that email which I quoted above and asked her why she cant even get herself to at least be a bit flirtatious with me she wrote back and said: "I am always tired it seems like, then I am constantly stressing about our business and and making sure we dont miss our clients deadlines. You seem to work at your best when youre under the gun and down to the wire and I envy youre ability to build the business up to what it is now but it stresses me out. Then you add the fact that even though I had lipo I feel I need to look better so me needing to start exercising to look great is constantly on my mind lately, and trying to figure out when I am going to fit it in. So yeah flirting or romance hasn’t been high on my priority list. Sorry.

She complains about her looks a lot. I thought lipo would help that and make her feel less conscious about it if it affected her ability to be seen by me....but I was wrong. I must point out that on two occasions I've had to bring up the fact that not wanbting to have sex because shes tired, stressed, or whatever is onething but then turning around and pleasing herself with vibrators is completely deflating to me.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Look, this doesn't pass the sanity test for anyone in a marriage. No mentally healthy woman would really consider this to be justified, unless you are abusive or just plain ignore her. We sell ourselves on issues like this, just accepting them as normal as a skipped week leads to a skipped month, then a skipped year, I guess. Normally, if we were talking about a month or so with no sex, I would agree with the advice to explore her resentment. With 24 years of marriage, I've seen periods where it would ebb up to a week, but then my wife or I would end any stalemate. At this point, though, this advice of taking additional responsibility only applies if you give your wife a free pass on all marital resposibilities, because this is the direction she's chosen.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wait - she uses vibrators and then refuses to have sex with you? That is seriously messed up.

I would give her an ultimatum. Either you and she work together to figure out what the problem is, or you're done. And if you do figure out what the problem is, and the result still is no sex, then you're done. 

No one signs up for that kind of crap when they get married!!


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## bplegend (Nov 16, 2011)

Thanks for all the replies and insight. Look.....I'm not perfect. I'm sure I have my moments of stupidity that make my wife not feel like being around me. But...4 years? yet she says she loves me and is trying to get to a happy place in our marriage where she feels that connection? what connection is she talking about? 80% of the time i catch myself walking looking down at the floor. i often catch myself walking away form someone i know at the kids sporting events. i've become more of a introvert. I'd rather be at the shop working and not being around anyone anymore. yet its the opposite of who people know me to be. So people ask is something wrong and I always say nothing....everythings great. Nothing pisses me off more than to hear people make comments about what a great example we are of a happy together family and couple that doesn everything together. I honestly wouldnt even have the esteem and confidence at this point to have an affair. it just felt good writing down that I shoudl find a friend on the side.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I agree that you are way past the point of reasoning with her and asking her about what is stopping her from being sexual with you. YOu can see from her vibrator use that she is a sexual person but not with you. Even though you love her, she is not loving you back. She may feel or say that she loves you but she is not loving you as in a verb to love. With all the women in this world, you will find someone that you love and that LOVES YOU BACK. You deserve this. I would pursue divorce. This will either uncover that she does not even intent to change, or will wake her up to fight for you and her marriage.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

bplegend said:


> I cannot agree more. I've asked....and this is what she emailed me the last time this came up: "It is not physically an issue for me to go without sex, but I do realize that most men are not happy without it because it fulfills them so therefore if you want me to have sex to fulfill you thats fine but do you want to have sex thats not meaningfull like that?"
> 
> Now what shoudl i interpret from this other than she doesnt care to have sex and if she does its only to please me and not enjoy it herself? Having said all of this....I must be clear about something. I love her dearly. I love her immensly and having to move on will be a difficult thing to do. She knows what this is doing to me, self -esteem wise, confindence-wise, mood-wise...and to allow me as her spouse to endure this for this long and expect me to continue like this. Thanks for the feedback....I think this will help in my decision making.


You say you have had counseling but she evidently just ignored the counseling?

Is it possible she is having her needs met somewhere else? Who would she want lipo to look good for? This makes no sense at all. 

Has divorce ever been brought up? Get on the internet and start printing off info on divorce in your state. Make sure she sees them or better yet give her her own copies. Its pretty obvious you love her but she doesn't give a sh!t foryour feeelings.

I think there is more going on here than you know.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

A "healthy" relationship is defined very simply:
1. You take the time to understand what is important to your partner. 
2. You make the effort to do things that bring them pleasure BECAUSE doing so makes you feel good
3. You make the effort to AVOID doing things that cause them distress because causing them distress makes you feel bad

There are many relationship messages which can potentially confuse the issue. For instance there is a statement which is completely true in a limited context and utterly false in a broader context. That statement is: Your partner is not responsible for making you happy YOu are responsible for making yourself happy. 

Taken literally that means that I have NO responsibility to show my W love because she is 100 percent responsible for her own happiness. Clearly that is nonsense. What is true is something very different. My W is responsible for ensuring that she is in a relationship/marriage where she gives AND receives love. And if her H (that would be me) ignored her core needs on a long term basis despite knowing what they are SHE would be responsible for leaving and finding someone who was willing and able to return her love. Same is true for me. 

How does this work for us?
1. She is my highest priority. She knows that because I consistently demonstrate that through my actions. 
2. I am her highest priority. I know that for the same reasons. 

It sounds like you have continued to make your W your highest priority no matter how she treats you. Women listen very well. When you say "I love you" you are making a compound statement:
- I love who you are (funny, smart, good with the kids, etc.) AND
- I accept the way you treat me

If the second part of that statement is false you need to step up and STOP conveying love in the form of expensive gifts, saying ILY, hugs, kisses, spending quality time and performing acts of service. 



bplegend said:


> I cannot agree more. I've asked....and this is what she emailed me the last time this came up: "It is not physically an issue for me to go without sex, but I do realize that most men are not happy without it because it fulfills them so therefore if you want me to have sex to fulfill you thats fine but do you want to have sex thats not meaningfull like that?"
> 
> Now what shoudl i interpret from this other than she doesnt care to have sex and if she does its only to please me and not enjoy it herself? Having said all of this....I must be clear about something. I love her dearly. I love her immensly and having to move on will be a difficult thing to do. She knows what this is doing to me, self -esteem wise, confindence-wise, mood-wise...and to allow me as her spouse to endure this for this long and expect me to continue like this. Thanks for the feedback....I think this will help in my decision making.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Hand her sample divorce papers and play this for her:

Jerrod Niemann - Lover, Lover - YouTube


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Wait - she uses vibrators and then refuses to have sex with you? That is seriously messed up.
> 
> I would give her an ultimatum. Either you and she work together to figure out what the problem is, or you're done. And if you do figure out what the problem is, and the result still is no sex, then you're done.
> 
> No one signs up for that kind of crap when they get married!!


I agree with this 100%.

My wife changed dramatically just prior to the wedding in terms of withholding sex. Lots of excuses. It continued and got worse. We would go anywhere from a couple of months to a year with no sex, then she'd give duty sex which she calls "guilt sex". The cycle deepened until we were going 2 years and then 4 years with no sex.

The resentments and anger builds. The marriage is deeply damaged when one spouse withholds sex.

Recently I gave her an ultimatum and she revealed a childhood sexual abuse. It does explain an awful lot, and our story is very consistent with others who married women with CSA.

I think I would advise you talk to a lawyer to get real info about your options and rights in your location. Then I would talk to the wife in a clear, calm, and non-accusatory manner. Tell her that you love her, you value your marriage, and you are deeply concerned with her inability to have a normal sex life with her life partner. I would ask her straight up if she has ever been sexually abused, raped, assaulted, or otherwise traumatized by violence or emotional abuse.

IOW, give her every chance to reveal a reason. If she comes forth with something real, substantive, and believable then you have a chance to deal with it.

If not, I would file for divorce. Nothing will change until she decides to make a huge change herself. She may never change.

Living perpetually in a sexless marriage is torturous to you. You deserve better.


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## tony1975 (Nov 17, 2011)

That's totally rediculas, are you for real !!! No sex in 4 years !! ? If I dont have sex with my wife once a week then I put my foot down. Luckily she is beginning to initiate it more now as she is thinking of a guy at her work, but that's another topic . I dont care who she is thinking of, its still very spicy !!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'd show her the door and tell her to get out


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I'd show her the door and tell her to get out


:iagree::iagree:


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## tony1975 (Nov 17, 2011)

Hi,

I have a little curiosity at times regarding something. I'll explain it to you in short form getting to the facts to try keep it as simple as possible.

I have been married for 8 years now, about 2 years ago now my wife met a good male friend at work who she jokingly told me she had a crush on. The thing is the fact she liked this guy excited me so I encouraged her to flirt with him. Over the last lets say year or so she hasnt done anything sexual with him but are just good work friends. I have noticed some differences over the last year which are different to if I think back to 2 years ago. One is, she doesnt wear her wedding rings very often and tells me that they get in her at work. She does like to play me as she knows I enjoy it too, and she says to me before she knows she is going to see the guy at her work, "If I dare her not to wear her rings" 

Question - what is actually going through her mind though, is she just playing the game or is she perhaps bored in the marriage ???

I have also noticed she has bought alot of new clothes lately that usuall. i know she is trying to look good for this guy which we both kind of play together but could it be a dangerous game, whats going through her head ?

I know im also responsible for her flirting etc as i have encouraged her at times to do it, but then other times it also makes me quite jealous.

She has also recently hinted to me that she would love to sleep with other guys, once again, could she just be testing me or could this just be a fun game ???

Im surprised now that she is okay with me not wearing my rings either as I told her recently that why should I have to feel the need to wear mine if she doesn't feel the need to wear hers.

I'd love some answers on this matter 

Thanks

Tony


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

bplegend said:


> Thanks for all the replies and insight. Look.....I'm not perfect. I'm sure I have my moments of stupidity that make my wife not feel like being around me. But...4 years? yet she says she loves me and is trying to get to a happy place in our marriage where she feels that connection? what connection is she talking about? 80% of the time i catch myself walking looking down at the floor. i often catch myself walking away form someone i know at the kids sporting events. i've become more of a introvert. I'd rather be at the shop working and not being around anyone anymore. yet its the opposite of who people know me to be. So people ask is something wrong and I always say nothing....everythings great. Nothing pisses me off more than to hear people make comments about what a great example we are of a happy together family and couple that doesn everything together. I honestly wouldnt even have the esteem and confidence at this point to have an affair. it just felt good writing down that I shoudl find a friend on the side.


BP,

You sound like a nice guy. You put your kids first, put your wife first and never do anything for yourself, right. My guess is that you've lost touch with a bunch of your guy friends. You are in the family bubble, and you've trained your wife to believe that her happiness - and only her happiness - is the thing that matters in your relationship.

I sense you are likely to shy away from the divorce option. Just my guess. I don't think you can pull the trigger quite yet. If that's the case, that's fine. But you have to start working on you. Right NOW.

My guess is that when you go out on dates, you go do stuff she wants to do. Will she ever go with you to do your stuff? Idnetify what that might be. A football game. A night at the bar. Whatever. Invite her. If she doesn't go, you go on your own with another guy friend.

I'm also guessing that you seek her approval. When she's in a good mood, you're in a good mood (except for the sex, of course.) When she's tense, you're tense. Right? Time to disconnect the emotional hose. It will take practice after all these years, but you have to start doing it. 

She's got your balls in a little sack and won't give them back to you. Time for you to grab them and start building a life. Invite her along for the ride, expect her to decline and go forge your way. Doing this ahead of divorce will give you a head start in building your life for post-wife. It will also make you more attractive to your next spouse. Quite simply, you are no longer a challenge to her. You don't excite her animal intincts. 

Do things that are of interest to you. That will help your self-esteem make a return and begin to chip away at the issue that is messing up your relationship. She has you wrapped around her little finger. Go kick life's ass a little bit. Have some fun for yourself, and let the chips fall where they may. Good luck.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Oh, and by the way, get out that old last e-mail about how you shouldn't enjoy sex if she doesn't enjoy it. Forward it to her again, and say "I've done some re-thinking. I want sex with my wife. We're going to have sex this weekend or we're going to the marriage counselor on Monday. Looking forward to seeing your sexy body in some lingerie!"

Act with confidence. I hereby give you your license to act like a man. It's OK for you to have wants and desires and for them to be fulfilled. You are not a second-class citizen. This second-class marriage ends right now.


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## tony1975 (Nov 17, 2011)

Wear a mens g-string, thats what I do, it drives my wife wild !!!!!


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## Laba (Nov 12, 2011)

There is no way relationship should be without sex. You need to explain to your wife that by refusing sex she is pushing you from husbands status into friends status and that can be non-fixable once you fully fall in friends status........ How I know???? Happened to me after couple years of no sex(he didn't want it) I considered having sex with my own husband nearly a crime. Adventually I had to cut my losses and get a divorce. He wanted to fix it but I was beyond the point of return. None of us cheated or lied so basically same situation you are in. Hope you still have time to work it out.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

You have three options. First option you continue to live together as roommates. Nothing changes because she does not respect you, and eventually the marriage ends. 
Second option, your marriage hits rock bottom. If it hits rock bottom, you wind up ending it or starting over together. There are dozens of ways it can bottom out. You can wait years for that to happen, or you can hasten the process. Your marriage will either go up in flames or it will rise from the ashes. Third option, divorce her. Note that I did not say "file for divorce". I Respectfully disagree with people who say you can file and then use that as leverage to fix a marriage. If you file, you get a good family law attorney, you follow the attorney's advice, and you don't second guess that decision. Living with someone who is not committed is not a marriage. Sure, marriages go through winter some times, but if you've gone through years of a winter marriage, you will have to hit bottom if you are to have a chance to rekindle. I suggest you meet with an attorney to get some insight. Then, give her a dated ultimatum about intimacy. Not just sex, but intimacy and respect and what it means to be married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

tony1975 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I have a little curiosity at times regarding something. I'll explain it to you in short form getting to the facts to try keep it as simple as possible.
> 
> ...


Uh, your marriage is on the precipice. She is at the least in a form of EA with this guy. When a wife talks about wanting to sleep with other men she is only one short step away from doing it.

Not wearing wedding rings is about as bad a smoking gun as there is.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

NotLikeYou said:


> BPLegend-
> 
> You and your wife need counseling. Ooops. Wait. You've done that several times.
> 
> ...


:allhail:

100% agree! He could try f off method for a while and stay married to see if she comes around... but she probably wont.

Ill add to the f off:

If you dont divorce, you close all her credit cards, cancel the car insurance and tell her to go get a job and you put the kids in daycare (if you can afford $$$ gifts, you can take that $ you save from not buying those gifts and put it towards daycare... better than to a lawyer and then giving her a boat load when you divorce!) She will get more of your $ if you divorce bc she will paint you as a pig sex fiend and thats why you cant be married... lawyers will find a way to twist it around on you believe me. There is no way you should remember those anniversaries if she isnt taking your needs seriously! 

I would full out man up bc she isnt worth spending thousands on to divorce only to hand her over more than a fair share of your $ after you divorce is final... she has not made your marriage a priority for years... man up and show her how comfy she has been living all that time she has been denying your needs. Dont make her more comfy by giving her a divorce!!!!


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

MarriedTex said:


> Oh, and by the way, get out that old last e-mail about how you shouldn't enjoy sex if she doesn't enjoy it. Forward it to her again, and say "I've done some re-thinking. I want sex with my wife. We're going to have sex this weekend or we're going to the marriage counselor on Monday. Looking forward to seeing your sexy body in some lingerie!"
> 
> Act with confidence. I hereby give you your license to act like a man. It's OK for you to have wants and desires and for them to be fulfilled. You are not a second-class citizen. This second-class marriage ends right now.


Dont mean to tread on your advice, but i am going to

I see a red flag here... he is dealing with a chilly spouse and he is wanting more warmth... if he sends that message to her it may make her more chilly and repulsed. I think he should do the opposite. He needs to cool off completely and just live his life and stop paying for her. he shouldnt be the "good husband" if she is not being a good wife. He needs to tell people if they ask why she says he is being a d!ck about things (you know closing credit cards etc)... anyone would understand a wife is at fault if you havent had sex for 4 years.... cmon 4 years!!!! Be the D!!!! Go cold on her... read some of my posts as to what I had to do to get my husband to start having sex with me.... Im going to write a book someday bc people need to wake up... dont get married if you cant honor one another!! I feel for the OP....


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

toolate said:


> Dont mean to tread on your advice, but i am going to
> 
> I see a red flag here... he is dealing with a chilly spouse and he is wanting more warmth... if he sends that message to her it may make her more chilly and repulsed. I think he should do the opposite. He needs to cool off completely and just live his life and stop paying for her. he shouldnt be the "good husband" if she is not being a good wife. He needs to tell people if they ask why she says he is being a d!ck about things (you know closing credit cards etc)... anyone would understand a wife is at fault if you havent had sex for 4 years.... cmon 4 years!!!! Be the D!!!! Go cold on her... read some of my posts as to what I had to do to get my husband to start having sex with me.... Im going to write a book someday bc people need to wake up... dont get married if you cant honor one another!! I feel for the OP....


No problem. Tread away. That's what forums are for.

We will have to wait for more input from BP. I was reading between the lines and trying to accelerate advice to useful action recommendations. My read is that BP treats wife like Princess and that whole relationship has become predicated on satisfying her needs to the exclusion of his needs/desires.

I think basic declaration of "I want to have sex with you and plan to do so this weekend" begins to change the relationship dynamic. His wants/needs have value and should be counted in the relationship discussion. In short, BP has to find his inner-beta and start putting it on display a bit more. She will never meet any of his desires if he doesn't put them into play.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

MarriedTex said:


> I think basic declaration of "I want to have sex with you and plan to do so this weekend" begins to change the relationship dynamic.


Especially if her reply is "Well I don't want to have sex with you and I'm planning on doing more or less anything else this weekend and at any other time".


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

4 years holy crap. 2 months is hard enough but 4 years that is just messed up.

I would have left after a year.

It is better to leave her then cheat on her... Cheating is always wrong no matter what.

Maybe she will wake up if you decide for leave her.


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## tony1975 (Nov 17, 2011)

Thor said:


> Uh, your marriage is on the precipice. She is at the least in a form of EA with this guy. When a wife talks about wanting to sleep with other men she is only one short step away from doing it.
> 
> Not wearing wedding rings is about as bad a smoking gun as there is.


Wow Thor, its interesting that you say that. I have always seen my wife as a goodie goodie type of girl but I'd say over the last two years there have been little slight changes. I know she did like this guy at her work, he is now working at a different hospital as her but he is going back there next year. She has even told her friends she likes him as a joke although she isnt joking. The one thing on my side is that he is gay lol, well I reckon my wife is hoping he isnt but she thinks he is. On the one hand I enjoy her flirting but on the other I can get jealous, what do you suggest I do ?? From what I have told you, what do you honestly think is going through her mind ?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

tony1975 said:


> Wow Thor, its interesting that you say that. I have always seen my wife as a goodie goodie type of girl but I'd say over the last two years there have been little slight changes. I know she did like this guy at her work, he is now working at a different hospital as her but he is going back there next year. She has even told her friends she likes him as a joke although she isnt joking. The one thing on my side is that he is gay lol, well I reckon my wife is hoping he isnt but she thinks he is. On the one hand I enjoy her flirting but on the other I can get jealous, what do you suggest I do ?? From what I have told you, what do you honestly think is going through her mind ?


Your issues deserve their own thread.

Do you have independent opinions of his gayness? Or is this just her saying it?

What is going through her mind? Who knows! But talking about having sex with other guys probably means she wants to have sex with other guys. Getting nicer clothes and doing some self-improvement of her appearance is a red flag that she either wants and affair or is in one.

Note that everything has an innocent meaning as well. Lots of women buy new clothes who never have an affair. The combo here is what is worrisome. She pretties up, she doesn't wear her wedding rings to work, she admits to liking another man, she talks him down to you by saying she thinks he is gay, she actively flirts with other men, and she says she wants to have sex with other men.

What to do? You need your own thread to get a wide audience and a variety of opinions.


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## tony1975 (Nov 17, 2011)

Thor said:


> Your issues deserve their own thread.
> 
> Do you have independent opinions of his gayness? Or is this just her saying it?
> 
> ...


Thor, what you say does get me thinking !!! I appologise for hi-jacking this thread but I'm battling to start my own one as Im not sure how, i cant see a link for starting a new thread.


So please people, feel free to post your comments to this, perhaps it would be interesting to hear some opinions from other women. What are the real true signs that my wife is bored in the marriage or perhaps bored of me. We still have a great sex life although we do use the guy at her work in our fantasy while having sex which spices it up. Where do we/I draw the line, am I taking a risk here or could my wife also just be playing the same game for fun or could it be a more serious thing for her ??? My explanation as to why I think she hasnt been wearing her wedding rings as much lately is that perhaps she is a little confused, please could I hear some other peoples advice, thanks


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## bplegend (Nov 16, 2011)

I want to thank all who provided feedback....including the comical responses and also that one fella that decided to piggyback on my thread instead of creating his own. Great information to ponder over and more forward.


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## Ayan (Nov 26, 2011)

Maybe she has found out something about you that you did behind her back and isnt saying anything but instead withholding sex and resenting you ?? just saying... if that's not the case tell her if she doesn't make sex a balanced priority for you then you WILL leave.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Ayan said:


> Maybe she has found out something about you that you did behind her back and isnt saying anything but instead withholding sex and resenting you ?? just saying... if that's not the case tell her if she doesn't make sex a balanced priority for you then you WILL leave.


 More likely scenario is that she's not doing with out but has something on the side.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

What, exactly, would you be leaving? You have a nearly worthless ring and a completely worthless piece of paper. Her heart isn't there and her body isn't either. The union isn't about love, because it's impossible to love someone while denying their basic needs. After a four year investment, what do you have other than four years lost that you'll never recover. Would you prefer to be asking these questions after you've invested 40 years?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The resentment theory does not appear to fit this situation. First, it started abruptly after the wedding. What level of resentment could build up pre and post nuptuals? Perhaps he got a bj from a stripper at the bachelor party, got to the wedding 2 hrs late because he was hung over and proceded to vomit during the vows, dirty danced with a bridesmaid on top of the head table, and insulted her elderly aunt. She would have cause to resent him for 2 weeks but years? 

I think the books would have been appropiate if it did not occur right after the wedding with no explaination. I have never jumped to the conclusion of a bait and switch because i think is extremely rare but, in this case i think that is it. She may have settled for him and got what she wanted, a husband and kids. She may never have had a passion for him.

I may be way off the mark her but some exploration is in order. How did you meet, how long did you date, did she push for a commitment and marriage, how did her relationship end before you? Was there an ex that she seemed to be deeply in love with? Have you explored the possibility of an affair? Have you asked her if she settled and that is the reason that sex stopped abruptly? Was she passionate with you? 

Giving her the benifit of the doubt, let say she does not understand the nature of sex for a man in love., i would ask her to read the books in my sig and to go for marriage counciling. Tell her that you are considering ending the marriage but you are willing to give it one last try. She goes to MC and really works on the problem and accepts that sex belongs in a marriage. She is free to want a sexless marriage, just not with you. tell her that only if you are ready to follow through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

NotLikeYou said:


> BPLegend-
> 
> You and your wife need counseling. Ooops. Wait. You've done that several times.
> 
> ...


This says it all and I agree. 

If my husband acted the way your wife did outside of extenuating circumstances, I'd leave. 

That said, have you visited the doctor to see if she has some hormonal imbalance? I haven't read the whole thread so if that has been addressed I apologize.


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## dazedandconfused1 (Dec 17, 2011)

I am in an eerily similar situation debating the same thing. My husband never initiates sex, or uses it as bait against me. I feel your pain. Hope it works out, no matter the route you take.


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## mammal (Dec 29, 2013)

She sounds very materialistic....to me that equals selfish. She seems to be getting what she wants. I'm sorry, but I believe in the saying "when in doubt, follar the dollar" I would bet that she masterbates and may even have sexual fantasies. Pardon me for being blunt. Maybe you love her dearly but she has lost respect for you somewhere along the way. It is a good bet that your marriage won't survive this, but if it does it will be because you have made it clear that she is the one that needs to worry...be insecure and what makes most materialistic people insecure is the fear of losing possessions. and some amount of sexual insecurity as well. Some people would call this caveman mentality but.....it is true. Have you ever heard the expression: " treat a ***** like a princess and a princess like a ***** and she will never leave. I don't know why it is this way but it just is.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Two year old zombie thread...


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