# Dumb Question that needs to be asked - Do people talk about being hit on or setup ?



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Very simple question. I'm pretty sure the answer is a resounding NO. I am talking about being in a serious monogamous relationship.

Is it okay for your significant other to talk about being set up/being introduced *( or attempted to be introduced )* to other people and being hit on by other people.

Some examples for clarity..

*My client asked if I would be interested in meeting a friend of theirs that has a business and lots of money.* 

*Some man came up to my car and asked me out.*


Imagine if you will that the first example is almost a common event. So you know as the S.O. that your partner is at least being introduced or looking to be introduced to someone else every other month possibly by several people. So you're looking at potentially at least 1 a month. 

I am well aware that announcing such a thing is clearly an insecurity within yourself. So in turn you're projecting your insecurity onto your S.O... Nutshell, I am worried about you leaving me so I will tell you I can leave you too.

But all of that aside.. 

Basically is it common for men and women in a serious relationship to tell each other about these sort of things on a regular or semi regular basis ?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Honesty is the best policy. SO it's good she is telling you if someone tried to hit on her. 

It's bad if she is saying "And so and so was all over me and I was laughing it up. We were flirting."

If it bothers you, you can tell her that you do not want to hear about that.

You first prefaced your question about the "dating scene' then you later said "serious relationships." They are worlds apart but still honesty is important. Especially in the latter. In the dating scene, at the beginning, it's more informal and both may be seeing others.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Honesty is the best policy. SO it's good she is telling you if someone tried to hit on her.
> 
> It's bad if she is saying "And so and so was all over me and I was laughing it up. We were flirting."
> 
> ...


I will fix that part.. Thanks.. I am talking serious monogamous relationship..


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

I don't see anything wrong with it in the right context. I also don't think it necessarily means insecurity. Is it in the context of telling you about her day, or venting on a friend wanting to set her up when that friend knows she is with you? Or is it trying to elicit a reaction from you?

I wonder if you are reading too much into it due to your own insecurities?


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Fenix said:


> I don't see anything wrong with it in the right context. I also don't think it necessarily means insecurity. Is it in the context of telling you about her day, or venting on a friend wanting to set her up when that friend knows she is with you? Or is it trying to elicit a reaction from you?
> 
> I wonder if you are reading too much into it due to your own insecurities?



Okay, Fenix 

How comfortable would you be telling your S.O. that some woman/man where you work or building hit on you ?

Now your S.O. is aware that there is a potential prospect you see everyday or every other day. 

I could understand some RANDOM moment. But is it wise to tell someone you love something like what I mentioned above ? 

What would be your motive behind it regardless if it was venting about your day. 

Now imagine hearing that several men/women at their workplace are interested in your SO over a period of time.

Lets assume that maybe some are honestly on a better scale than you. Lets assume financially more secure, more physically fit or even both in some instances. 

So I am asking what would be your own personal take on what I mentioned above.. Not what you think HTH is thinking.. What's Fenix take on it.. 

Simple example over a 6 month period your S.O. tells you of 3 people of the opposite sex are interested in her at her place of work. 

They were venting to you but you know for whatever reason that they might be on that better scale or equal to you. Either your S.O. told you or it came out in asking during the conversation. 

Let me add in the place of employment is not an office. It is the HOMES of these people. So its a built in hotel as you can imagine.

So how does Fenix feel knowing that.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Honestly, it wouldn't have occurred to me _not_ to tell my ex-husband stuff like that when we were married. He was my person. I told him everything. And I always told him if someone hit on me overtly. Of course, he was also aware that I always responded to being hit on with a polite indication that I was happily married and wasn't interested. 

I'm interested to know, though, why anyone in an established LTR has people trying to set them up with dates. And how these approaches are answered. The way in which your partner handles being hit on probably says more about where their head is than the simple fact that they told you about it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Have you actually told her it bothers you? Because throughout your entire post(s), that is how it reads.

You really are saying it annoys you when she does this...

So just tell her.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

Hate to let the cat out of the bag man, but attractive women get hit on just about every day. It's not a big deal. If it makes you feel any better most of the men are really gross. It's just the nature of the beast. The alternative is she doesn't tell you which is a perfectly acceptable boundary for you to set if it makes you uncomfortable. Either way I wouldn't worry about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> Okay, Fenix
> 
> How comfortable would you be telling your S.O. that some woman/man where you work or building hit on you ?
> 
> ...


Well, this certainly comes across as snarky.

How would Fenix feel about that? Fenix would understand that she is in a relationship with an atrractive person. Fenix would also understand that due to her history of being with a LCB, she may feel insecure. Fenix would also have the balls to say that it bothers her that the SO keeps telling her this.

Now, HTH, this last post does show that it is your insecurity that could be the problem. You were betrayed in your marriage, right? You could be either 1)hyperaware or 2)have chosen another cheater. I don't know your gf but from your posts, I think it is probably 50 -50 that either scenario is correct.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I want to hear about the funny or outrageous attempts made to flirt with my wife - it's just amusing and she can tell a good story. I don't need to hear the mundane or pathetic ones, unless it's so pathetic it's funny. She's a phlebotomist, and has a cartoon on her wall that says "'Nice veins' is NOT a pick-up line!" Seriously, some men take it as one.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Curious as to why you posted this in the "After Divorce" section?!?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

MbH, I'm - sadly - not at all surprised to hear that "Nice veins!" gets interpreted as a pick-up line by some guys. I work in the commercial construction industry. I'm not extremely attractive, but I'm noticeably _female_. So, for the most part, that's "close enough for government work" to plenty of guys. A lot of them over the years have seemed fairly eager to believe that me saying "Good morning" is a pick-up line. 

I've got scads of stories of being hit on that fall into the skeevy, pervy, outrageous, pathetic, and/or funny categories. I shared them with my partner when I was in a relationship. We both laughed over them.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

nice777guy said:


> Curious as to why you posted this in the "After Divorce" section?!?


I'm divorced and dating someone in a monogamous relationship.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

If you and your SO's needs are being met by each other and you feel secure in your relationship then you should want to hear about others hitting on her. 

Being set up by friends and acquaintances though (regardless of who the potential suitor is or what they have) is another ball of wax. Why don't these people know that she is happily unavailable?

My gf told me when she went out for drinks with a friend that this "friend" tried to set her up with someone. She also told me that she would not go out with this friend again. At least not without me. 

These are proper boundaries that we should expect from SO's. We cannot control what other people do but we can expect proper reactions from our partners.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Rowan said:


> *I'm interested to know, though, why anyone in an established LTR has people trying to set them up with dates. * And how these approaches are answered. The way in which your partner handles being hit on probably says more about where their head is than the simple fact that they told you about it.


This was my question too! Who the hell DOES that??


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Fenix said:


> Well, this certainly comes across as snarky.
> 
> How would Fenix feel about that? Fenix would understand that she is in a relationship with an atrractive person. Fenix would also understand that due to her history of being with a LCB, she may feel insecure. Fenix would also have the balls to say that it bothers her that the SO keeps telling her this.
> 
> Now, HTH, this last post does show that it is your insecurity that could be the problem. You were betrayed in your marriage, right? You could be either 1)hyperaware or 2)have chosen another cheater. I don't know your gf but from your posts, I think it is probably 50 -50 that either scenario is correct.



Wasn't looking to be snarky.. I wanted to hear someone elses personal feelings about how they would feel about it. I wanted to get another prospective on these thoughts.

I am hyperaware.

I expressed my dislike of being told. 

These people know that she is with me but still feel the need to introduce her to other men. 

I know of instances where they basically in a nutshell don't bother teaching my child, so she can talk with these men. 

Its unsettling to say the least.. 

I know it happens.. I know she gets hit on.. But I don't need to hear about it.. I'm no fool, I understand and get it.. I just don't need to be reminded as if it were impending doom. It makes me feel like if I don't do the right thing that someone is there ready to take my place.. Mind you she DOES NOT say that or act like that.. But it's how it makes me feel. 

I don't like feeling like I need to compete for first place..

It was good for a while but it popped up again.. Over her being insecure about me getting an new job.. 

It was as if she was worried about me leaving her for someone else and she had to "remind me" that she has other prospects as well.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> Wasn't looking to be snarky.. I wanted to hear someone elses personal feelings about how they would feel about it. I wanted to get another prospective on these thoughts.
> 
> I am hyperaware.
> 
> ...


We are supposed to help each other feel comfortable and secure. If she is trying to make you feel insecure this is very disconcerting and very unhealthy.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

If you've told her that you don't like hearing about it and she keeps telling you anyway then she appears to be hurting you on purpose. That's not cool.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> If you and your SO's needs are being met by each other and you feel secure in your relationship then you should want to hear about others hitting on her.
> 
> Being set up by friends and acquaintances though (regardless of who the potential suitor is or what they have) is another ball of wax. Why don't these people know that she is happily unavailable?
> 
> ...


Unfortunately these are work clients..

She is a special ed teacher that goes to peoples homes.. 

Out of coincidence she tells me that she speaks about me all the time.. They know we are going out and in one instance one of these people wanted to introduce me to a contractor for home improvements.. But this same woman wanted to introduce her to what she tells me is yet another contractor *( I asked her if this was the same man that they were looking to introduce me to do work. You could understand my annoyance if it was )*

I understand her situation as she needs to be polite to these people. Its an odd business she is in.. She makes excellent money, but upsetting a parent can spell doom for you with an agency.. 

It is her bread and butter and she is supporting 2 children of her own. I get you can't fvck with peoples money.. 

But I get pissed when some woman wants to help me out and then wants to hook up my G.F. on the side.. I just don't like people like that.. They clearly are not my friends or looking out for my best interest..

From what I know, it is not like she has control over the situation sometimes.. She might say no, but then the next day here is this guy at the house and she needs to now politely brush him off. 

My simple point is deal with it but don't tell me.. 

Mix this in with other things it gets annoying after a while.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> Unfortunately these are work clients..
> 
> She is a special ed teacher that goes to peoples homes..
> 
> ...


Enforcing boundaries needn't be confrontational. It can easily be done with respect.

Client: "...there's a man I'd like you to meet..."

GF: "...thank you client but you know I'm dating HTH. We are quite happy. Now, let's get back to work..."

There is nothing offensive about it that should cause a problem. 

So this becomes an issue of your boundaries. Do you want to accept being with a woman who feels that she cannot defend her relationship with you when it comes to her clients?

Not saying you should or shouldn't. However, if you choose to accept it then you can't complain about it.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Sorry but sounds like she is/has a problem.

Yes, I would tell (and have) but it wasn't ongoing. 

However, I wonder if she's hinting it's time for a ring so it's obvious to others. How long have you dated?

Or she's trying to make you jealous because SHE is insecure and often some of the most gorgeous women are.

Ceegee has it right. There is no reason she can't handle this politely and put a stop to it. If there isn't much turnover in customer base, eventually most of them will know and it won't happen all of the time. But she should simply be able to say "Oh, you didn't know I'm dating h2h? Things are great with him and I'm not interested in seeing anyone else but thanks for thinking of me." and turn back to the kid(s) or ask them to hand her something to redirect the interaction to teaching. Same person tries again? More firmly "I'm sure he's a great guy but h2h and I have a wonderful thing going - I can't imagine anyone better right now!" and again go back to teaching. Direct flirts are easier - a condescending smile, a "no, thank you", etc. 

Being honest about it is one thing - but it almost sounds like she's got an ulterior motive to repeating these stories.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> This was my question too! Who the hell DOES that??


Somebody with a distinct blindness for boundaries...:scratchhead:


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

As was said, what I would want in that situation is for my SO to clearly enforce boundaries. "Thank you but I have plans with my <slight emphasis> boyfriend."

Just a way to tactfully let them know that those kind of approaches are not welcome.

If she's not shutting it down, they're going to keep asking.

And I totally understand an attractive woman will get frequent attention. I want my partner to show with her actions that she's not going to fool around.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

I have a history of being hit on frequently in my line of work, I deal with a lot of men and I am an attractive woman...I prefer honesty and to tell my SO if it happens, and have asked for the same from him. I dont want to feel like either of us are hiding anything from eachother (aftermath of being a BS with lots of lies and hiding)... However, if he said it really bothered him to hear it, I would respect his request...

But I tell him because it happened, not to make him jealous or try to make him realize others want me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I remember your story. Your girlfriend likes reminding you of her value. So you know she knows she has lots of options. She's done it before and she'll do it again. You're in for a bumpy ride but you've known that for awhile. 

She's not changing so you'll have to if you want to stay with her.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Just an update..

I went the route of Ceegee.. 

I calmly explained to her what basically Ceegee said.. I expressed to her and in calm manner that right now I am not the man to hear these things.. It just something that developed because of my Ex wife.. 

She swears its not to hurt me. She even cried.. I felt like a d1ck and a over reacting assh0le.. She went on to tell me a few more things about her feelings and how she feels the need to look good to me.. That she feels I look down on her and some of the choices she made in the past.. 

She feels that in the past she could justify some of her actions but now that she is with me and I explained a few things to her and has seen what I have been through. It is hard for her to say what she has done was okay.. So with that being said, she hates that I look down upon her choices and that she feels basically like a woman who cheated and is looking to fix this with me so she won't have to wear this scarlet letter anymore.. 

I know the next questions will be WTF did she do in her past.. 

I will tell you all simply, she was married for 20 years and has always been faithful to her Ex and has supported him numerous times through his bouts of alcoholism to the point of financial ruin.. Until she had enough and asked for a divorce. 

She fits pretty much into the MMSLP of a women exceeding the score of her spouse.. 

Look I am an odd fellow in the sense I don't mind the attention when she is with me but when she is alone my mind wanders.

It is apparent by reading the replies for the most part its a H2H problem..

This is why I need a sounding board sometimes..

Oddly enough I just did a rorschach test and it came back with exactly what the therapist was telling me prior.. I don't like change and I get upset when things in life don't go my way.. I like to have controlled situations.. 

I don't have many surprises because I always am planning ahead.. Again I think that might be part of my issue as well, as I am not letting life happen and instead I am planning it.. 

This could have been the prior issues in my marriage as well that lead to some of my Ex wife unhappiness. Not that I care as it doesn't excuse her.. I'm just not trying to make the same mistake twice.. Conversely the G.F. is much more care free.. much more....


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