# Kids, holidays and divorce



## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

What are your arrangements for the holidays with your kids and your ex? 
We trade holidays every year and if I don't have her for Thanksgiving I'm ok. But if I don't have her for Christmas I get really depressed. 
I keep trying to find a way to not get depressed but I do every year I don't have her.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I don't have children, so I cannot relate. Do you have extended family that you can visit during Christmas?
How about booking an all single cruise to the Caribbean? 
Or volunteering at a local shelter, or soup and kitchen, etc?


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## LoveSci (Nov 23, 2013)

My arrangement with my kids is to switch thanksgiving every year and switch Xmas eve and Xmas. That way I get to se them on Xmas every year. Thankfully I had my wonderful wife help me with parenting plan.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

Its no easier when the kids are grown. They decide where they go, but it means I have no control anymore. And I miss the days when we were all together. I spent yesterday recognizing the loss, not having their Dad with us, but also busy making new memories. None of it is easy


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

ne9907 said:


> I don't have children, so I cannot relate. Do you have extended family that you can visit during Christmas?
> How about booking an all single cruise to the Caribbean?
> Or volunteering at a local shelter, or soup and kitchen, etc?


I do have family in town and I do want to see them. So just going away would make me feel worse. At least I think it would. 
Perhaps volunteering would help. I need to make plans early to do this.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

stillhoping said:


> Its no easier when the kids are grown. They decide where they go, but it means I have no control anymore. And I miss the days when we were all together. I spent yesterday recognizing the loss, not having their Dad with us, but also busy making new memories. None of it is easy


I do not miss her father. He didn't like participating in family events. I would put up the tree alone, and drag him to visit family. 
I have zero good memories of holidays with him. Just bad ones. 

It makes it harder because he doesn't even care about holidays.


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## Sincererlytrying (Oct 31, 2012)

This is our first holiday where we will be splitting time with the kids. Working with our counselor here's what we are trying.

Thanksgiving: parent 1: Thurs/Fri. parent 2: Sat/Sun, switch next year.

Xmas: Parent 2: xmas eve all day till 2pm xmas: then to parent for remainder of xmas, and the entire following day. then back to regular schedule. switch next year.

New Years: opposite of xmas.

We live in the same neighborhood so transfers are easy. There won't be long holiday periods without seeing our kids.

Since this is our plan, but we have not agreed on a settlement yet, and she just filed for divorce after months of failed dissolution negotiations, the courts might change it all. In general though, our parenting plan has been working well.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

That's good. My problem is distance. She would be in the car all day on holidays. I can't so it to her. 
I miss her tonight.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

That is really sad. 
I never liked Christmas after I was a teen, so I don't know why it gets to me so much.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

This is our second holiday season spent apart. 

Last year we were still going through the divorce but with help from our attorneys we were able to come up with a pretty good plan for splitting time with the kids. It allowed both of us time with them during each holiday. 

This year we are divorced and don't have the help we did last year. I proposed a schedule similar to last year. She declined - rather, she never responded. So the standard set forth in the decree stands and I got kids for the whole Thanksgiving break and she hasn't seen them since week before last, Wednesday. 

Christmas allows time for both of us to spend time with them. 

I made out pretty good. XW, however, is missing out on a lot because of her anger, pride and ego. It will swap next year and, if things stay as-is, I will be the one missing out.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Perhaps she is feeling too raw about it and it's too much to handle making more arrangements and negotiations with you. If the divorce is still fresh she might feel it is too much even to talk to you right now.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

We spend these days together, Christmas, Birthdays etc. 

This Christmas it will be me, the ex, our kids, some of my family, my partner and his son.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Holland said:


> We spend these days together, Christmas, Birthdays etc.
> 
> This Christmas it will be me, the ex, our kids, some of my family, my partner and his son.


You must have a good relationship with your ex! How did that happen?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

We are 4 years down the track, first 12 months were really hard but then we got ourselves to a better place. We both want the best for our kids so we made the effort to be parents first, ex's second.

To be fair we did not divorce due to what I consider the big issues, adultery, abuse, drinking etc. Our marriage came to it's natural end but we still very much care about the other and genuinely want each to be happy. I honestly think it has to be a genuine effort to want a peaceful life. I wish him no harm, he is a good man and a good parent. It takes both parties to make the effort to be amicable.

TBH I think we have a great situation, we co parent well and we are very flexible with our child care arrangements, we cover each other when work things come up and swap days to suit each other without any fuss. Neither of us are adversarial people. We loved each other once, we had children together, I refuse to live my life with bitterness.

I hope you can find a place of peace.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

I divorced due to abuse and substance abuse, and untreated mental disorders. I don't think there is any peace with some people other than avoiding them as much as you can.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Oldfaithful said:


> I divorced due to abuse and substance abuse, and untreated mental disorders. I don't think there is any peace with some people other than avoiding them as much as you can.


I fully understand that and I am sorry for your pain.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Holland said:


> I fully understand that and I am sorry for your pain.


Thank you. He continues to be a pain in the keester, I try to just minimize our contact.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Our divorce agreement spells out who gets what holidays on odd and even years. Basicly the holiday days alternate, for example had we followed what was in the agreement this year, the ex would get the kids on Thanksgiving day, then I get them Christmas Eve, then she gets them Christmas Day... For some reason, she wanted me to have the kids for Thanksgiving and we traded Christmas days because all the other days follow a schedule where I get them Weds and Thursday and alternating weekends - if we followed the agreement then we'd be trading kids 3 days in a row around Christmas.

I know what she's doing though. This is our first holiday after the divorce, she started shacking up with her current boyfriend within a month of my filing the divorce. And no, it's not because she knew him before. She was a cheater, but she didn't start dating new guys until after I filed, and for a little while she had a lot of different guys. She just moves that fast. 

TMI maybe, it just bugs me a little how contrary my situation seems to the idea of karma.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

WillK said:


> Our divorce agreement spells out who gets what holidays on odd and even years. Basicly the holiday days alternate, for example had we followed what was in the agreement this year, the ex would get the kids on Thanksgiving day, then I get them Christmas Eve, then she gets them Christmas Day... For some reason, she wanted me to have the kids for Thanksgiving and we traded Christmas days because all the other days follow a schedule where I get them Weds and Thursday and alternating weekends - if we followed the agreement then we'd be trading kids 3 days in a row around Christmas.
> 
> I know what she's doing though. This is our first holiday after the divorce, she started shacking up with her current boyfriend within a month of my filing the divorce. And no, it's not because she knew him before. She was a cheater, but she didn't start dating new guys until after I filed, and for a little while she had a lot of different guys. She just moves that fast.
> 
> TMI maybe, it just bugs me a little how contrary my situation seems to the idea of karma.


It's not been long enough. Usually it takes a few years for them to hang themselves with their own rope. Just wait. Just hope your kids don't get hurt.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Me: ask for proposed schedule from kids' dad. Review and request any changes if necessary (usually not) after discussing with kids. Book travel plans for self. Honestly, I don't think my life or relationship with my kids will be improved upon or detracted from by a schedule. In New England, it's just as likely to have bad weather or no power or some other detractor from one day as compared to another. My work is flexible and I don't really pin a lot of importance on holidays, we celebrate what we are able to a and celebrate regardless otherwise. 

I have an older child and we usually try to go see him. Yesterday we drove to Vermont and all the kids had great fun sledding together, along with eldest's girlfriend, her brother and his girlfriend, after we went out for lunch at a really cool restaurant in a building that used to be a fire house and was all decorated for Christmas. Afterwards we had hot coco and pie, and on the drive home I was dodged by a snowy white owl. Really, the best days cannot be planned, they happen. My advice is to go with the flow and be open minded, also be confident and don't try to force it to be one way or another.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Oldfaithful said:


> It's not been long enough. Usually it takes a few years for them to hang themselves with their own rope. Just wait. Just hope your kids don't get hurt.


I'll keep it brief, the topic probably merits its own thread so I'll start it soon, but I see a lot of parallels with how things started between my ex and myself.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

My ex husband totally destroyed his relationship with my 19 year old daughter. She wants nothing to do with him right now, if ever. So for the foreseeable future she is with me on holidays. What happens when she herself builds her own life, has to work on a holiday (she's is planning a career in the restaurant business so it's only a matter of time) is basically a normal part of having children. They grow up and hopefully live their own life. We have a great relationship and I'm sure it'll work out. 

My 16 year old son lives with his father and I see him on weekends. For holidays/special occasions my son decides where and with whom he wants to spend a holiday with. My ex and I agreed that this was the best course of action and try to work things out. It helps that my ex lives only 3 miles from me so it's easy to go back and forth between houses. 

For Thanksgiving my son decided to spend the day with me and his sister and his father volunteered to feed the homeless and spent the day with his friends. The following Saturday they had their own Thanksgiving dinner. 

Christmas my son told me he wants to spend Christmas Eve with me and his sister so I'm going to do a bigger dinner that night and give him his gifts. He told me he will open half of them with us and save the rest for Christmas Day, which he will spend with his father. I will spend Christmas Day with my daughter and we're making ourselves a little party of our own. 

So basically I did nothing but give my son some options and guidelines about what my plans were and let him make the final decision. He's at an age where this seems like the easiest and most practical thing to do. 

Things like birthdays we've done the same. I took my son out for his birthday the Sunday before and my ex spend the actual day with my son. 

I've never been a real stickler for dates and things so it's not a problem for me. When the day comes and I'm alone I guess I'll just do what I do any other day and just relax and enjoy myself or I'll go away on a trip or visit with friends. Fortunately I don't have a huge emotional investment in these things.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> . Yesterday we drove to Vermont and all the kids had great fun sledding together, along with eldest's girlfriend, her brother and his girlfriend, after we went out for lunch at a really cool restaurant in a building that used to be a fire house and was all decorated for Christmas. Afterwards we had hot coco and pie, and on the drive home I was dodged by a snowy white owl.


I can't wait til I can live in a place where there really is winter, as opposed to the sloppy mess that we have here at the Jersey Shore. I love snow! In a few years I plan to move to a place where I can enjoy. Until then my daughter and I will be heading up to Vermont to go skiing next month so I'm hoping there will be plenty of snow!


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

What did your ex do? It's odd that your son lives with him but daughter won't speak to him.


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