# Wife Too Friendly and Sparse on Details



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

So wife texts me on Saturday that she was going out to dinner with her divorced girlfriend (who I also know for almost 20 years). I 
was working out of state Friday and Saturday and wasn't due home until 11 PM Saturday so told her that was fine and have a good time.

She got home around midnight that night and I was already on bed because I was exhausted.

We caught up yesterday and I find out that:

there were two other women with them (also divorced) and I know one of them but not the other

My wife tells me it is quite obvious by their conversation that at least 2 out of the 3 women are definitively on the prowl

It came out that there was dancing too (it was explained as the 4 women were dancing and that is believable because I have witnessed my wife and her one girlfriend dancing together in the past)

I then asked if there was any dancing with other men and was told that two guys came up and were dancing with the group. She thinks that one of the other ladies who belongs to a group of single folks who post about activities for singles may have posted that the ladies were in fact going to this place for dinner and dancing that night.

I asked my wife if she continued to dance and she said yes. I asked why she didn't sit down if she was the only married woman out of the group and she said it would have been rude. I told her she could have politely excused herself and left the two single guys for the 3 single women.

She of course sees nothing wrong with this and I even asked what she would feel if the roles were reversed and she said she'd be fine (which knowing my wife I highly doubt).

I want to ask her if these guys bought them any drinks but haven't had the chance yet

I am a little bit bothered by the fact she felt like she needed to leave information out and I told her I consider this lying by omission 

Don't get me wrong, my wife is very trustworthy buy had I not probed I would not know the full details and that is a little disturbing to me.

Thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Paging @marduk

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Trust your gut. It has no emotional ties to logic or reason or temptation.. Only instinct. And instincts are rarely, if ever, wrong.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

If she is trustworthy let it go. But keep an eye open and mouth shut.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Make all the excuses in the world but a married woman out with a group of divorcees on the prowl? How long before it rubs off????

You play near fire you're likely to get burnt.

What if the shoe were on the other foot?

Would she be uncomfortable with it?????


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I always get a kick out of the "It would have been rude." statement.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

I wouldn't blow this out of proportion. I'd thank your W for being honest with her answers and forthcoming with you. You need to at least try and make it safe for her to discuss this stuff with you. If you don't acknowledge that then she may not feel safe to do that in the future. 

The dancing as a group thing isn't a big deal really IMO. Slow dancing with other men I'd have a problem with. And I'd be a little upset if my W was accepting drinks from these guys.

As for whether your W should be going out to dinner, drinking and dancing again with these divorced ladies...that would be a NO. 

It is pretty clear that they are cougars "on the prowl". Since that's not your W, I don't think she's got any business going out to bars with them. Maybe girls' lunch at the tea room or coffee at Starbucks.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> I always get a kick out of the "It would have been rude." statement.


Yeah I got that one from my wife one of the times we had a FaceBook thing happen with her ex. 

Why would a woman care if 2 strange men in a club thought she was rude?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Toffer said:


> I asked my wife if she continued to dance and she said yes.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Pretty much we can just stop here.

Anything else is just a rationalization for why it was ok for her (a married woman) to keep on dancing with other men.



Toffer said:


> I asked why she didn't sit down if she was the only married woman out of the group and she said it would have been rude.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Rude to who?

The guys hitting on her?
Her husband?

Like I said, anything she said would be justification to keep dancing.

Look at it this way. Would you do that to your wife? If no, then why allow her to do it to you?

So your wife thinks it's okay to go hunting with a cougar crew. Best put that bit of knowledge in your life experience book and walk away with some path to follow.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> I always get a kick out of the "It would have been rude." statement.


Hahahahaha!!!! Ranks up there with you're invading my privacy and controlling.


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## Bitteratwomen (Jun 21, 2014)

This is the reason I have always had a problem with GNO's. Personal experience has shown me that there was always a guy or more involved with them.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

What was the sort of place where they were dancing?

BTW for a certain category of guy on the prowl, your W is the most attractive one of the bunch, the reason being that married women are less likely to cause trouble and more like free sex. Since your W is married there is also less reason to suspect she has issues.

Tamat


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

Seems like she feels a little guilty (means she knows that it was wrong) therefore rationalizing her behaviour and trying to get your retroactive approval. You have to set boundaries now or else she will continue to test how far she can go.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Ok. 

The first thing you have to do is chill. You have a wife you trust who found herself kinda bait and switched by her girlfriends and who probably handled it ok. 

If you go off on her or don't act cool, you will give her something to rebel against. 

So do that. Act cool. Blow it off. For the moment. 

But watch her actions. Is she planning more girls nights out with this same girl? Or is she going to be more wary of her in the future?

The former will require boundary setting. The latter means that she knows she got hosed, she feels bad about it, but she also knows she handled it ok and doesn't need you on her case about it. And if she does that, she's right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Women get dressed up and go out dancing for one reason: to get attention from men. They'll talk all kinds of horse $&@& about how they like to look good, and like other women to compliment them. However, it was the guys ogling them and giving them attention and validating in their minds that they "still got it" that they were really wanting.

Your wife was honest with you and I doubt did anything wrong. No big deal to dance with guys in a group. But the "it'd be rude" comment was bs, as said. She was enjoying herself. 

My suggestion: GNO with divorced women stops or you give her papers. Yes, I truly believe it's that serious. Married women go out dancing with their husbands or not at all. Not to "BAR and grill" restaurants, not at 10-midnight, etc. 

If you want a wife that suddenly thinks you're not all that exciting and loves you but isn't in love with you, let her get some attention from a handsome, wealthy player-type who preys on married women and then see how innocent all this GNO is. She'll even tell you after she divorces you that GNO had nothing to do with your divorce.

As Gary cooper said in "sargeant York"---- "I'm agin it."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

I realized during my divorce process (ILYBINILWY) that my wife was heavily influenced by one good friend of hers that was separated and living in her own apartment the summer before. 

Her friend had split custody which meant there were plenty of nights like this where she did not have to worry about taking care of the kids the next day. My wife of course, DID, and I am positive (looking back) envied her friends situation. Obviously there were other issues in the marriage and I was totally dumb to not address that she was hanging out with her and acting single, but I cannot discount the exposure and it's affect on my wife's walking out on our marriage. And her friend has told me several times since that she did not push my wife to get divorced, or act like it was some sort of joy ride (in fact the friend has not talked to my ex in months, and when I ran into her the other day expressed that she is sorry I have to deal with her in a coparenting role due to rumors that have gotten around through their circle of friends). 

In addition to this, one of MY friends made a comment to me several weeks ago about how I have a good situation, with 50% custody and the days not having my kids. He has always been pretty selfish and frankly acts more single than I do when we are out having a beer, so I was NOT surprised a last week when he said he had filed for divorce b/c he was not happy. He actually called his STBX to meet us out that night and when we were talking he made a comment to her that she will have them 9 of every 14 days and 'good luck with that'; she just looked at me and said, he thinks this is some big party. (She is very worried about the well-being of the 3 kids). 

In any case, your wife shared this info so that is good, but do NOT ignore it, or her hanging out with divorced women.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Ok, I'll agree with Marduk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

my take on it is why you agreed to let her go anywhere if you are so jealous? If there has been legit reason for the jealousy then you should have requested she not go. No it is not healthy for her to hang around singles, but it really is not healthy for you to bless it then get jealous either.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

happy2gether said:


> my take on it is why you agreed to let her go anywhere if you are so jealous? If there has been legit reason for the jealousy then you should have requested she not go. No it is not healthy for her to hang around singles, but it really is not healthy for you to bless it then get jealous either.


Well he agreed to her going out with an old friend of hers and not to a pack of women on the prowl.

Would be interesting to know if she omitted the fact that there would be other (manhunting) women or if she didn't know.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I feel that OP overreacted. Now, that said, should the wife keep going out to bars with her single friends in a group? No, because they are in a different place in their lives and looking to meet men, and she is married. Going out one on one, or to lunches, etc I think is acceptable.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

We don't know enough about this situation to give a good answer one way or the other. If this was a one-off, and the OP and his wife routinely go out together most of the time plus the wife's GNO's are largely benign (like dinner with another girl friend at a 'safe' establishment) then I agree with Marduk. If she's been doing a lot of GNO's to dance clubs, bars etc...then perhaps this is something to worry about.


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## Cream2sugarsplz (Mar 28, 2016)

Toffer said:


> So wife texts me on Saturday that she was going out to dinner with her divorced girlfriend (who I also know for almost 20 years). I
> was working out of state Friday and Saturday and wasn't due home until 11 PM Saturday so told her that was fine and have a good time.
> 
> She got home around midnight that night and I was already on bed because I was exhausted.
> ...


Hm...you have every right to give it a second thought or be a little annoyed at the behavior, but if you feel deep down there's nothing to worry about, I'd let this one go. 

Does she cavort with these women often?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Toffer said:


> I am a little bit bothered by the fact she felt like she needed to leave information out and I told her I consider this lying by omission
> 
> Don't get me wrong, my wife is very trustworthy buy had I not probed I would not know the full details and that is a little disturbing to me.
> 
> Thoughts?


I got a few thoughts:

1) She knew the cougar sloots were coming all along. She "misinformed" you so you'd be cool with it. Lies of omission are absolutely lies like you said.

2) She didn't stop dancing and because she wanted men hitting on her to give her validation. She was probably dancing the most provocatively out of all of them. The married ones always do. She took all the drinks the offered and flirted with them too.

3) She thinks your a doormat and a fool. You also validated her opinion with that incredibly weak beta response. 

What she did was the female equivalent of hitting the nudie bar and rubbing up on some strippers. Would she be okay with this? NO. You should be outraged. Slap this woman with repercussions OP. She crossed a boundary OP. She might not have cheated on you but she definitely emasculated you. You need to have one of those, "NEVER EVER AGAIN" conversations.

You tell your wife, "the next time you go out on a GNO, I'm gonna have so many strippers grinding my c0ck with lap dances, it's gonna take me a week to lose my boner. Don't pull that shady sh!t on me ever again."


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

There is a lot of projecting going on in this thread. Unless you have evidence of something, I really think it might be a bit hasty to be making a bunch of demands. Does she do the GNO thing often? Has she cheated before?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

would she be okay with you going to a strip bar?

How about having an escort come to the house?

then she might think about your shoes and what it is like to walk in your shoes.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The most important question is:

Is going out dancing or drinking at clubs a habit or isolated incident?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> I always get a kick out of the "It would have been rude." statement.


haha this...

Yea, it's not rude that she was making an a$$ out of herself dancing with single guys at a club, as a married woman. Sometimes, I wonder...do some spouses just morph into jerks after a certain time of being married, or were they always jerks, and the spouse who is hurt, just ignored the red flags before marrying them?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

There is one big problem here my friend. 
Those Divorced women are looking for other men and staying until midnight is their choice,but your wife have no busines staying that late,dancing with other guys and taking drinks from them.

Guys will hit on them and if she accepts drink here and there,then dance with someone this will create a wrong picture. If this was me I would think I am going to get la.id. 

I belive your wife was angry with you because you asked her about it and she never told you a whole story. Not a good sign !!!

You dont have to worry but if this behaviour continues you will get hurt.

Stay strong


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> I got a few thoughts:
> 
> 1) *She knew the cougar sloots were coming all along. She "misinformed" you so you'd be cool with it*. Lies of omission are absolutely lies like you said.
> 
> ...


No need to go defcon 1 but point 1 above is probably true. Your wife knew what she did was not cool but your weak response emboldened her to get resentful for you however meekly, calling her on the behavior. She doesn't want to answer to a weak man.

On point 2, unfortunately happens way to often. The married one is the freakiest of the bunch.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Next weekend say you are going out for drinks with the boys. Turn your phone off, find an all night diner or IHOP and stay there and play on your iPad until 2:00 a.m. Then come home smiling and when she asks all pissed off where the hell you have been, tell her you and your buds went to a gentleman's club. When she rages, tell her you never touched any of the girls and only got two lap dances. Tell her it would have been rude to say no to your friends.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> haha this...
> 
> Yea, it's not rude that she was making an a$$ out of herself dancing with single guys at a club, as a married woman. *Sometimes, I wonder...do some spouses just morph into jerks after a certain time of being married, or were they always jerks, and the spouse who is hurt, just ignored the red flags before marrying them?*


Twenty years from now, please remember you said this.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Here is the part I find particularly troubling. She went out while you were away with your blessing. You had an estimated arrival time of 11pm. She did not come home until after 12. This does not sound like a woman who sorely missed her H and anxiously awaited his return. GNO with some divorced women took precedent. She could have easily left at 1030 and been home when you arrived if she had wanted to. She instead chose to linger with the "cougars" and the two men. I find this foreboding.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Twenty years from now, please remember you said this.


Hopefully, it won't matter.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I know a group of women who dance together at a club.

Men dance by them, dance near them.

And guess what? None of those men get anywhere near to getting off with them.

And they watch each other's drinks like hawks, so no date rape drugs.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

marduk said:


> You have a wife you trust who found herself kinda bait and switched by her girlfriends and who probably handled it ok.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That. Well said.

She danced. It wasn't like, "I'd be the only one NOT shooting up and it would have been awkward so he just helped me find a vein and all. No biggie".

If she wants to go back, even once, you have problems. But chill for now.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Toffer said:


> So wife texts me on Saturday that she was going out to dinner with her divorced girlfriend (who I also know for almost 20 years). I
> was working out of state Friday and Saturday and wasn't due home until 11 PM Saturday so told her that was fine and have a good time.
> 
> She got home around midnight that night and I was already on bed because I was exhausted.
> ...


Don't think you have anything to worry about for now, do not overreact but keep an eye for now. However, one thing you should be aware of, women who hang out with single friends who are on the prowl over a long period of time may end up getting themselves in a compromising situation. 
Also people often become like the company they keep. Just keep eyes and ears open.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> haha this...
> 
> Yea, it's not rude that she was making an a$$ out of herself dancing with single guys at a club, as a married woman. Sometimes, I wonder...do some spouses just morph into jerks after a certain time of being married, or were they always jerks, and the spouse who is hurt, just ignored the red flags before marrying them?


You're engaged, right? I think you will find that talking about marriage and actually being married is a whole different ball game.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

thefam said:


> You're engaged, right? I think you will find that talking about marriage and actually being married is a whole different ball game.


If you're not altogether happy in a relationship, married or not...don't degrade your partner. I don't need to 'be' married to know this.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> If you're not altogether happy in a relationship, married or not...don't degrade your partner. I don't need to 'be' married to know this.


OK. But that has nothing to do with my comment. All I'm saying is its kind of presumptuous and naive for you to be in "SMH" mode before you've even been married. Get a few years of marriage under your belt first.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

thefam said:


> OK. But that has nothing to do with my comment. All I'm saying is its kind of presumptuous and naive for you to be in "SMH" mode before you've even been married. Get a few years of marriage under your belt first.


Her response was to something I said, and I guess I'm not really seeing what was wrong with the questions she posed. What am I missing here?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

OP, how's the sex going? IIRC, in the past it was an issue/problem.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Funny. Last Friday my colleagues (all women) and I went for happy hour. Then after a few drinks, they decided to go dancing and I went home. My husband commented that I should have gone with them and had fun. 

It doesn't sound like OP's wife did anything wrong. His wife answered all his questions truthfully. The guys danced in the group, that doesn't mean anything. She didn't dance with them individually. I've had this happen many times when dancing with gfs (way back when, I don't like going dancing all that much) and I never did anything inappropriate. 

I'm not saying you should be completely okay with her going out dancing all the time OP, but I wouldn't get bent out of shape. Sit her down and calmly explain how you don't appreciate her going out dancing with single women.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I've read OP other threads. He has been dealing with this in one form or another for years. 

OP it is ok to divorce her and find a women who is sexually compatible with. You are wrong to stay in a marriage that leaves you feeling empty and unloved. She is stealing one of the most important things in life. Actually it is life and your wife is slowly poisoning you. 

Your marriage is what it is and it will always be this way. You are going to wake up one day and she will be with someone she really connects with. I do not care is she is great in every other aspect, she is failing you of the most important aspect in a marriage. You will look back with nothing but regret. You will realize that it was not only a lack of affection that she ceased you out of.

Be brave for once, a coward dies a thousands deaths every day, a brave person but once in a lifetime.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

@Celes ask yourself is your husband's bed cold ? Makes a difference.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

So Toffer, you are now 54 years old. Your children are 23, 21, and 16. Your life is unchanged. Go back and re-read you post on a sexless marriage. Here is your opening post from 2012: 

I know many of you have seen bits and pieces about my physical relationship with my wife but for those who haven't, here's the bullet list: (This may be more of a rant than anything!)

Married 26 yrs
3 kids (13, 18. 20) Oldest away at school
50 yr old male, wife is 48
Frequency - less than 1x/week
Did the counseling thing
Talked about it numerous times
She seems to understand the idea that it's about emotional bonding for men (thanks to input from Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz!)
Has outright on occasions told me I'm going to get sex on a particular night and nothing happens
RARELY intiates
I have been shot down so many times I feel like one of the Red Baron's victims
Currently not even trying to intiate things in the last three weeks because I'm tired of the rejection
Have done all the "make it about her" suggestions


Worst part of this whole thing is that I have to say she's perfect in every other aspect! If we could just get over this hump on a permanent basis!

We had a text exchange moments ago where she asked how I was feeling today (was a little under the weather earlier this week) and I told her I felt a little nauseous on the way into work this morning but I was OK now. 

She answered back "maybe u r pregnant" I know I probably shouldn't have but I answered back "its hard to get pregnant unless ur having sex"

Haven't heard a peep back since then and it's been a half an hour!

May need a place to stay tonight! Anyone have a spare room in the NYC/NJ area???


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

aine said:


> Don't think you have anything to worry about for now, do not overreact but keep an eye for now. However, one thing you should be aware of, women who hang out with single friends who are on the prowl over a long period of time may end up getting themselves in a compromising situation.
> Also people often become like the company they keep. Just keep eyes and ears open.


I'm going to agree with this poster. You may want to have a conversation about _limiting_ where and when she goes out with these _friends_ of hers. This kind of _activity_ is not something a married person should do.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP is getting no sex and his 50 year old wife is going out "dancing" with three other divorced women that are by his wife's own admission, are on the prowl for men. She came in after midnight, when her h had been gone for a few days and said he's be home at 11.

Doesn't this pretty much say it ALL?????!!!??

OP, your kids are almost all grown up. You are at an age where the dating power has shifted in the man's favor. You could have sex with a different woman every night of the week if you wanted if you were divorced. You are delaying the inevitable. Your wife is on the way out. Just get it over with.
Neither if you are happy, or she wouldn't be out catting around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Stunned at the "what's the big deal" crowd and "op should be able to trust his wife around cougar sloots" crowd on this thread.

If the wife wants to go dancing she should be going out with OP, period. She's actively seeking outside validation, it's wrong. 

It's obvious she's lost attraction to OP. The marriage is sexless. This is exactly the kind of behavior that leads to cheating.

$10 says in 12 months or less OP will be reposting in the CWI forum the way this is going. Nip this in the bud OP. Don't be the doormat she thinks you are.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Toffer said:


> I then asked if there was any dancing with other men and was told that two guys came up and were dancing with the group.





Toffer said:


> I asked my wife if she continued to dance and she said yes. I asked why she didn't sit down if she was the only married woman out of the group and she said it would have been rude.


 First, if there was music and dancing, then they probably went to a bar. Second, your wife went dancing and stayed out late with a group of single women that were openly on the prowl for men, and decided to fit in when men started showing up to join them. Third, they did not just dance with these men all night, they probably also sat down with these men from time to time as these men chatted up all of them, including your wife who was trying to fit in. Fourth, those men were hitting on and dancing with your wife as much as they were with the other women, as your wife was not willing to differentiate herself as being married by not dancing when these men who were also on the prowl joined in. Fifth, your wife had an easy out by saying that it was getting late and that she wanted to get home to her husband; she did not take this out because she was having fun fitting in with this group of single men and women that were on the prowl.

I do not think that anything major happened that night, but there could have been such things as hand holding as they walked her through the crowed, men putting their arm around the women including her as they chatted, and even some slow dancing. Bottom line is that such attention from members of the opposite sex feels good, and you need to make sure that she understands that you do not want her to do this again. A married women should not be hanging with and fitting in with a group of single men and women that are on the prowl, especially when she is the only one there that was married. Even if you assume that you know the whole truth (and you do not as she was "Sparse on Details"), base on just what she told you, there was nothing innocent about the situation.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Evinrude58 said:


> OP is getting no sex and his 50 year old wife is going out "dancing" with three other divorced women that are by his wife's own admission, are on the prowl for men. She came in after midnight, when her h had been gone for a few days and said he's be home at 11.
> 
> Doesn't this pretty much say it ALL?????!!!??
> 
> ...


She might also be bored as hell, hence the no sex and dancing with girlfriends.

Just sayin'.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

marduk said:


> She might also be bored as hell, hence the no sex and dancing with girlfriends.
> 
> Just sayin'.


 She might also be bored as hell, hence the no sex and dancing with single girlfriends and other men that are on the prowl looking to hook up.

Just sayin'.


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## SeparationAnxiety (Mar 24, 2016)

I am a bit late in this thread, but I just wanted to add that there is nothing more toxic to a relationship than a wife going out on her own with divorced girlfriends. This is especially true when said so called friends try to convince her how good life is now that they are divorced.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Evinrude58 said:


> Women get dressed up and go out dancing for one reason: to get attention from men.


Not true. Women get dressed up and go out because they like to dress up, they like to have fun, and dressing up is their version of men hanging around a bar drinking beer and watching sports. 

I have NO intention of getting attention from any man, but I would LOVE to get dressed up and go dancing and have a good time with my girlfriends.

Now, in this case, is it possible she'll decide that she likes their lifestyle? Absolutely. But you have to keep it safe for her to tell you the truth. If you bring down the hammer on her, guess who she stops telling the truth to?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

How much time are you spending with her?

If I were you I'd be doing date nights once a week and spending @ 15 hours minimum doing some serious quality time together.

Doesn't have to be expensive or that special just something fun.

Lunch, breakfast or dinner out, movie. Take her shopping etc.

You don't someone else will. Or she'll find a way to entertain herself.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Just read @JohnA's post. I know, read all the posts before sticking you nose in the compost pile. I had to edit my post.

NOTE THIS- She may have volunteered the information ASAP because she knew it would be posted on Facebook, showing her slow-dancing with some horny dude. She was afraid you would see this or someone else would show it to you. She wanted to get ahead of this RED FLAG.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maybe a Red Flag. 

She volunteered the information, did she not? That is good.

I would worry a lot more if she kept it hidden. Not telling you about the other men [dancing] was lying by omission, but she coughed it up when asked. 


My worries? GNO is a big one. Especially since the other women are divorced. They can do as they please. Your wife has marital obligations. These women are likely to put her in treacherous waters with respect to other men. Plus, they may goad her on, encourage her to do the wrong things. Bring in alcohol and things could go wayward....Wayward wife makes a drunken mistake and justifies it because her husband is so flawed. 

I agree with Marduk on this one. Do not make a big deal about this one instance. Discourage any dancing unless you are with her. Those other women are likely toxic to their marriage bound friend, your wife. Based on what @JohnA posted [based on your prior posts] she is a WAW threat. She may be LD, or LD only with you.

The other issue. Your wife sees these divorced women having fun, having men vie for their friendship, complementing them on their looks, their personalities and how well they dance. 

The hovering men will say to your wife, "Wow, your husband sure is lucky to have such a beautiful women"! "And smart too"! 

It will feed her ego and she will want more of this. 

It is a gradual process, this road to infidelity. 

Unless you want her to "break jail on her own". Do not let her get in this situation. Take her dancing yourself. And do not share her.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

turnera said:


> But you have to keep it safe for her to tell you the truth. If you bring down the hammer on her, guess who she stops telling the truth to?


 She was "spares on details" and the OP stated that he was "a little bit bothered by the fact she felt like she needed to leave information out", and he told her that he "consider this lying by omission". Since she gave him trickle truth, he has no idea of the full story of what happened that night. What he knows is reason enough to be concerned. What he does not know is of even more concern.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

The information given by OP in this thread: Not much of a problem for now.

The information given by others about his other posts - little and unenthusiastic sex life: Major danger if she starts to like this new lifestyle, she will act sexy to someone coming along she likes, and the rest is history.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

The OP's wife texts him that "she was going out to dinner with her divorced girlfriend". Instead she stayed out late dancing with a group of single women and men at what was probably a bar. They are not one and the same. As a married person she should not have danced when the men showed up, and she should have gone home early rather than late. The OP needs to reminder her of their boundaries, as this is not OK, and she needs to know what to do the next time.

Also, now that this friend is divorced, the OP needs to review the situation to determine if and how toxic a friend she is..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Things happen. Who knows if she intended to just go out to dinner and got brought into a night on the town? I would never cheat on my H but if my friend offered me a chance to go out and have fun, hell yeah I'd be going. And not so I could cheat on my H.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

turnera said:


> Things happen. Who knows if she intended to just go out to dinner and got brought into a night on the town? I would never cheat on my H but if my friend offered me a chance to go out and have fun, hell yeah I'd be going. And not so I could cheat on my H.


 So if your single friend invited you to dinner and it turned "into a night on the town" with other single men and woman, you would stay late, dance with the single men, have fun, and would not volunteer details to your husband to let him know that the dinner with her friend had changed?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Who knows? My H never informs me when he's out late, I don't question him because I trust him. If I texted him and said I'd be out late, he'd say ok.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I don't know how young you guys are but as a young person I loved to dance and to get away with girlfriends and dance was great! I known how guys are and I always know that someone is going to approach me but that doesn't mean I feed into that. I might dance with the guy but then that was it. Doesn't mean I was attracted to him or wanted another more, probably more that it was saying "yes" to a dance rather than sitting in a corner. I think men see this all in different light, understandably. I thin men, for the most part, are the pursuers, and you do not pursue unless you are interested and part of your interest in sexual conquer but women do not think this way. We will dance with that person for the pure pleasure of dancing without the connection of any sexual thoughts at all.

Based on what you have said here, I would let it go. If you do not like your wife going out with the ladies and going to Clubs then I would express that.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

turnera said:


> Now, in this case, is it possible she'll decide that she likes their lifestyle? Absolutely. But you have to keep it safe for her to tell you the truth. If you bring down the hammer on her, guess who she stops telling the truth to?


I don't understand how a guy "makes it safe", other than not bringing the hammer down. Explain this to me.

To me that's passive aggressive bullsh!t. Both a wife and husband should have enough regard for one another to call the other up and tell them where they are and how late they will be staying out. That's just being courteous and thoughtful to your mate. 

"Let me go out as late as I want, don't ask me any questions, and we'll be fine. The minute you treat me like a kid and hold me accountable for being inconsiderate, I'll shut down and clam up."

Whenever a guy comes on TAM telling us how his wife cheated on him after staying late on a GNO, he gets hammered for being too lax and lenient with her. But when another poster complains that his wife stays out late too often and goes on too many GNOs for his comfort, he gets labeled an insecure, controlling bastard. A guy just can't win.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I'm with you @TRy. This could have wet her appetite for a desire for a taste of strange. Being her first time, she may have held back especially if the other guys didn't push the right buttons but who knows if next time there is a guy, who she clicks with. Chemistry, combined with liquor, and add divorcee's egging her on. Then you end up with BJ in back seat of car or back to his place with calls to her cell going unanswered.

Big difference between dinner with a friend and clubbing with 3 cougar wanna bes


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Too many GNOs? 

She went out once.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Let's see how soon from now the second GNO is. That will be telling.
They're in a sexless marriage? What do you guys think is going to happen?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And let's also first examine WHY they are in a sexless marriage.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

turnera said:


> Too many GNOs?
> 
> She went out once.


I'm not talking about the OP and his wife specifically. I'm talking in general.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

@turnera. Bingo. This would not even be questioned if his bed was warm. I do not know how else to put it. I know it sounds like all a guy wants is sex, but that connection as a form of intimacy is life. And without a solid medical reason or unavoidable distance it's absents slowly erodes a sense of self worth regardless of gender.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

turnera said:


> Who knows? My H never informs me when he's out late, I don't question him because I trust him. If I texted him and said I'd be out late, he'd say ok.


 The issue in my question to you was not about staying out late. The issue in the question was about changing a dinner with a friend "into a night on the town" that included dancing with single men, staying later because of this, and then lying by omission to your husband about it. With this understanding, let me repeat my question to you again. "So if your single friend invited you to dinner and it turned "into a night on the town" with other single men and woman, you would stay late, dance with the single men, have fun, and would not volunteer details to your husband to let him know that the dinner with her friend had changed?"


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

There are things I was told when I was 20 and about to marry my exW that I completely ignored and can look back and see clear as day how they were right.

You are not unique, and you'll blow off things people say anyways because "you're in love" and only after you experience it will you go, "damn they were right".





*Deidre* said:


> If you're not altogether happy in a relationship, married or not...don't degrade your partner. I don't need to 'be' married to know this.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

turnera said:


> Things happen. Who knows if she intended to just go out to dinner and got brought into a night on the town? I would never cheat on my H but if my friend offered me a chance to go out and have fun, hell yeah I'd be going. And not so I could cheat on my H.


Yup. The only reason I didn't go out with the rest of the girls on Friday was because I had a headache. I could have easily gone and not think to text my husband. My husband doesn't care how late I stay out, but I don't go out often either. I once went out dancing with a few gfs. They got ready at our place and my husband saw us all leave. The single girl of our group danced with men. The taken girls didn't and we didn't accept drinks. Didn't get home until 3 am. My husband didn't ask me any question other than "Did you have fun?".

Not sure what OP being in a sexless marriage has anything to do with anything. Other than he's got bigger issues than GNOs.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Of course it's projection. Because many times these things are exactly how trouble began in their relationship.

I'd like to know more about the women friends. Histroy of cheating, etc.

This is where the character of the friends comes in. If this was a one time thing, if I was OP I would not over react but I would have very frank discussion about boundaries.

If any of the friends were not solid, that would also be discussed. 

We don't have enough facts but given the lack of sex in the marriage and hanging around with several single women and guys coming up and dancing? That's really walking close to the edge and I think many men would have a problem with it.

The best advice I have for you OP is make sure you're dating your wife. If you find that your wife is going out with these women mostly when you aren't around while traveling for work, I would have the boundary discussion.



TX-SC said:


> There is a lot of projecting going on in this thread. Unless you have evidence of something, I really think it might be a bit hasty to be making a bunch of demands. Does she do the GNO thing often? Has she cheated before?


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Toffer said:


> So wife texts me on Saturday that she was going out to dinner with her divorced girlfriend (who I also know for almost 20 years). I
> was working out of state Friday and Saturday and wasn't due home until 11 PM Saturday so told her that was fine and have a good time.
> 
> She got home around midnight that night and I was already on bed because I was exhausted.
> ...


I am concerned about the secrets too. If there is nothing to be ashamed of then why hide it? Toxic secrets...


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

turnera said:


> Too many GNOs?
> 
> She went out once.


That we know of and she LIED about it...



Toffer said:


> So wife texts me on Saturday that she was going out to dinner with her divorced girlfriend


Is dinner with one friend the same to you as clubbing with multiple cougars on the prowl?

Not everyone is as moral as you. She KNEW she was going behind his back which means her intentions were CLEARLY not innocent.

But please..... continue blaming OP. Didn't mean to interrupt you.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Celes said:


> Yup. The only reason I didn't go out with the rest of the girls on Friday was because I had a headache. I could have easily gone and not think to text my husband. My husband doesn't care how late I stay out, but I don't go out often either. I once went out dancing with a few gfs. They got ready at our place and my husband saw us all leave. The single girl of our group danced with men. The taken girls didn't and we didn't accept drinks. Didn't get home until 3 am. My husband didn't ask me any question other than "Did you have fun?".
> 
> Not sure what OP being in a sexless marriage has anything to do with anything. Other than he's got bigger issues than GNOs.


I trust my wife completely.

But, I'd want to know when she expected to be home and for her to let me know if that changed. Otherwise I'd worry.

It's common courtesy.


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