# Not sure what to do or whats the next step



## numb4150 (Jun 26, 2014)

So heres my story...


Ive been married to my husband for almost 4 years now. I'm 25 and my husband is 37. While we were dating he ended up emailing other people saying he wanted to hook up. We fought and then what i thought fixed things. We had wonderful times and so in love. I had no worries. Then we got married.... We got back from our honeymoon and there it was again a week before we got married he was email other people saying he wanted to hook up. Its been every 3 to 6 months now that i find stuff sex hook up site profiles or emails to others to hook up while im at work or hes out of town. He says he never really goes he just enjoys the feeling. The latest email was from April latest profile from May even though he says he didnt make it even though the password is his drivers license number ( not to smart). They call it a Cyber sex addiction. 

I feel numb, i dont really know how i feel i have no feeling in my heart anymore. I feel like im in survival mode and my bodys just blocking any feeling out for or from him. Everytime i brought it up hed deny deny deny til id show him the email or profile or the pictures of his thing and face that he sent to them. Thats really hard to deny. I feel like im emotionally drained. I'm already taking depression meds and i have some mad anxiety attacks so i know all this is affecting my health. Luckily we dont have kids. I have no trust and even though he says he doesnt go and meet these people i dont really trust him and think its a lie. 

Then ive been talking to a friend of mine about everything because his last divorce was due to her cheating. I forgot what it was like to actually feel something toward someone. It makes me second guess how long ive felt this way toward my husband or if its just some kind of liking the attention that im not getting with my husband. I feel like i've just now got the confidence and im just now actually finding out who i really am. 

I ask my husband if hes willing to see a counselor and one day he is and one day he isnt. I dont know what to do... I dont know if i should leave him or stay and try to work it out even though i feel like im on a merry go round. Then I'm afraid if i do leave whats next, where do i go, How am i going to feel, Am i going to end up having an emotional break down even though i feel numb right now is it all just going to hit me like a ton of bricks and im going to feel like i made the biggest mistake of my life.... 


I know this all probably didnt flow very good while you were reading it but it felt good to actually write it down.

Thanks


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