# What is your opinion on husband or wife going out and having alone time with friends?



## Wif3 (May 17, 2017)

Me and my husband are a young couple I would say. I've been having problems with my husband because he can't seem to understand why I want to have my own time with friends. I have occasionally gone to my friends house or eaten out, but it always ends up in a fight. Or he goes through a jealous range of saying things like you were probably with a guy or you are doing things that your not suppose to. It's always something. Now I have told him have your own guys time with your friends and he says no that's not right, but then when I tell him he doesn't understand because he doesn't want to socialize he gets upset and says that's not true he just doesn't think it's good for us to be going out without each other. His favorite line what's the point of being married. By the way my friend is a girl. I don't want to make this longer than what it is already, but basically I would like to know your opinions. Am I wrong for wanting my own time and for me wanting him to as well have his own time? Lastly, I want to add that I never make plans with friends on the days that I know he is off work. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I have to say that I'm with your husband on this one. Neither of you are single anymore, so time with friends is no longer an assumed right. That being said, if it's that important to you, shouldn't you guys have discussed this kind of stuff before your said "I do"? Did you have any idea that GNO's or BNO's was a marriage boundary for him?

Talk this one out because if you have an impasse on this issue, it's only going to get worse over time and really bad after children come.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Reasonable amounts of time should be ok to spend with friends.

Now it begs the question what is reasonable.

So lets say you stay at home and he works everyday. And while hes working your out with your friends. After a while the one working might get resentful.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Are you going out for lunch or an early dinner with your friend, or are you going to bars?

That would make the difference IMO. Lunch, coffee, dessert or an early dinner would be fine with me, but to go to a bar, would be a no no.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Wif3 said:


> Me and my husband are a young couple I would say. I've been having problems with my husband because he can't seem to understand why I want to have my own time with friends. I have occasionally gone to my friends house or eaten out, but it always ends up in a fight. Or he goes through a jealous range of saying things like you were probably with a guy or you are doing things that your not suppose to. It's always something. Now I have told him have your own guys time with your friends and he says no that's not right, but then when I tell him he doesn't understand because he doesn't want to socialize he gets upset and says that's not true he just doesn't think it's good for us to be going out without each other. His favorite line what's the point of being married. By the way my friend is a girl. I don't want to make this longer than what it is already, but basically I would like to know your opinions. Am I wrong for wanting my own time and for me wanting him to as well have his own time? Lastly, I want to add that I never make plans with friends on the days that I know he is off work. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.


My guy friends and me have dinner once a month. From about 5:30 to 10. Where are you going? Bars or Restaurants? We go to restaurants and sit at tables. There is no members of the opposite sex there and it's not like we did when we were single. My wife occasionally goes out with her friends I would never stop her. By the way my wife also goes out with my friends and their wives every once and a while. 

If it was to bars like singles night, once a week I would have a problem, but the truth is if she is going to cheat I can't stop her, so my best defense is being able to withstand it if it happens. 

Bottom line I agree with you.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> Reasonable amounts of time should be ok to spend with friends.
> 
> Now it begs the question what is reasonable.
> 
> So lets say you stay at home and he works everyday. And while hes working your out with your friends. After a while the one working might get resentful.


I prefer my wife go out with friends while I'm working. Else she would go out when I'm home and we wouldn't have any time together, which is an even greater source of possible resentment.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a week do you spend out with your friends?

How many hours a week do you spend doing date-like thinks with your husband?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Well, I'll go there.

Was he always like this or did something happen during your courtship? You know a huge fight, spending to much time with friends, break up, seeing other people, a person on the side or family issues for one or both of you?


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## troubledinma (May 30, 2016)

Wif3 said:


> Me and my husband are a young couple I would say. I've been having problems with my husband because he can't seem to understand why I want to have my own time with friends. I have occasionally gone to my friends house or eaten out, but it always ends up in a fight. Or he goes through a jealous range of saying things like you were probably with a guy or you are doing things that your not suppose to. It's always something. Now I have told him have your own guys time with your friends and he says no that's not right, but then when I tell him he doesn't understand because he doesn't want to socialize he gets upset and says that's not true he just doesn't think it's good for us to be going out without each other. His favorite line what's the point of being married. By the way my friend is a girl. I don't want to make this longer than what it is already, but basically I would like to know your opinions. Am I wrong for wanting my own time and for me wanting him to as well have his own time? Lastly, I want to add that I never make plans with friends on the days that I know he is off work. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.


Having your own time is essential to any healthy relationship. If he is saying he doesn't feel like he gets enough attention from you, then that is an issue to be addressed. 

"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterward."


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

OP, time with your own girlfriends (and he with his guy friends) is really important in any romantic relationship. There's no way that your husband can expect you to be his everything, and you also can't expect that of him. Where you go and what you do would probably make a difference though, as others have stated. How often you go with your girlfriends as well. H and I also ran into this problem after we were married. I had to ask his permission to go see my girlfriends, which I obliged for awhile, but it grew old, fast, and I felt like a child going to Daddy, so I told him I'd no longer be doing that, but would check with him on his schedule to see whether me going with a girlfriend (either out for supper or a coffee) was feasible. I would never just make plans without seeing what he was up to on that evening. Does your husband not have many (or any) friends to hang out with? Maybe invite him along to a couple get togethers so that he can see that they're completely innocent.


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## WhiplashWish (Mar 20, 2017)

Time with friends is fine. Each Tuesday evening I have a group of friends I hang with for a couple of hours. I encourage my wife to spend time with her friends, too, and when she does it's normally at a nice restaurant. Usually it's just her and her best friend. I find that that is a healthy thing in the relationship - for both of us.

You have to really watch out for mates who want to cut you off from others. I can understand a "no one-on-one time with a guy" rule. I get that. But a blanket "no friends unless I'm there" rule is controlling and unreasonable. 

My mother in law got in a relationship like that and the end game was that she eventually had to give up her friends for this guy, then her contact with her family, and then he moved her to the other side of the country to keep her isolated and dependent on him. It was a gradual process of isolation slowly played out for years.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Wif3 said:


> Me and my husband are a young couple I would say. I've been having problems with my husband because he can't seem to understand why I want to have my own time with friends. I have occasionally gone to my friends house or eaten out, but it always ends up in a fight. Or he goes through a jealous range of saying things like you were probably with a guy or you are doing things that your not suppose to. It's always something. Now I have told him have your own guys time with your friends and he says no that's not right, but then when I tell him he doesn't understand because he doesn't want to socialize he gets upset and says that's not true he just doesn't think it's good for us to be going out without each other. His favorite line what's the point of being married. By the way my friend is a girl. I don't want to make this longer than what it is already, but basically I would like to know your opinions. Am I wrong for wanting my own time and for me wanting him to as well have his own time? Lastly, I want to add that I never make plans with friends on the days that I know he is off work. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.


Your H is being way off and being insecure. Your H suggests you are out with a guy? Don't stand for that crap. Look, you are allowed to have friends(female) and go to things that women do. My W goes to birthday dinners with just her friends at least once every two months. She is free to go shopping with her friends if she desires. I go find something to do. I have hobbies, etc. Your H needs to look to become less dependent on you entertaining him all the time. One night or day out with your girlfriends is not going to kill him.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Does your husband just maybe not like your friends?

My husband hated when I went out and I thought it was just because he was insecure. Turns out some of my friends were inconsiderate *****es and in hindsight I appreciate him having my back and trying to steer my in the direction of my different friends. Now? He'll pick me up, drop me off and slip me a $50, lol. I don't think it would hurt to ask him if he specifically doesn't approve of certain friends. There may be a very valid reason for this.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's normal and reasonable to spend time with your friends without your husband. He might have a point if they were male friends, but even then if you only met in public it would be fine, IMO. We each have male and female friends, and we see them fairly often - sometimes together, sometimes alone. For me, this would be a line-in-the-sand issue, and I would not tolerate being dictated to or restricted when there is nothing inappropriate about your friendships. Negotiate with him, but stand up for yourself, too.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

It is perfectly fine for you to want to go out and hang with the gals once a week....as long as what you are doing is reasonable and responsible. Most women go batty when they don't get their girlfriend time, and as a husband or partner I wouldn't like being on the receiving end of said battiness. 

But you need to set boundaries for yourself, and your husband needs to buy off on those boundaries. Now, in my opinion, dance clubs are just a no no. Cocktail lounges, sports bars and pubs are fine I think, as long as you are home by a reasonable hour. Nightclubs, "pickup" bars and rave joints are just too risky and offer up too much temptation. As a rule, no good comes from staying out past 10:00 p.m. at any bar or nightclub without your mate present. 

You have to use common sense. As a woman, you know where single males are going to be on the prowl for skirt, and you need to stay away from those places. Your husband used to be one of those males at one time. He knows the score, and that's why he's uncomfortable. 

Talk to him. Tell him the boundaries you have set for yourself. Ask him what boundaries he wants you to follow. Haggle. Then agree on a middle ground and stick to it. Then once you and him agree, jump his bones and screw his brains out.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Early in my marriage I really never spent time with girlfriends BUT he would continue to go out with his friends. I remember being upset over it but he would go anyways. And it was just here and there, no biggie. But YEARS later I have realized that it's so important to get out with friends!! I tend to go out for dinner or even a movie with them-- sometimes just a walk is good or go see a musical. He doesn't go out at all anymore-- maybe once every 3 months to a bar to see a band. I need this time for me.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Wif3,

Was your H cheated on in previous relationships?

Did you cheat on your H while dating or married and was it rug swept?

Tamat


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Nothing wrong with you going out with your girlfriends, nor him with his guy friends.

My husband can't stand one of my friends, but he would never tell me I can't go out with her. When his best mate of decades comes to our state they often go out for dinner or to the cricket/football together. I'm not a fan of this bloke but he's hubby's bestie and they enjoy catching up. 

This topic has come up on TAM so many times, I asked my hubby his thoughts on it, and his response was he wouldn't mind if I went out for drinks and dancing (I have no interest in that so it's not going to happen) but he wouldn't want me dancing with another man. That's fine because I wouldn't anyway - I'm a married woman.

That said, there's no place I'd rather be than with my hubby


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