# First Night Apart



## Ms_Take (Mar 7, 2013)

Last night was our first night apart and I'm feeling heartbroken. We are both very much in love with each other and have fought tooth and nail to keep our family together. When we first decided to separate, we both felt immediate relief. Now all the other feelings are emerging.

We've been in a crisis for a long time. All relationships have to deal with stress... and we're awesome at coping under duress... but our stress is BIG STRESS. Most of it is not of our making and beyond our control which makes finding solutions very difficult!

I like to group our stress in the following buckets: mine, his, and ours. Each bucket contains the usually stressors and a few extraordinary ones. We've tried dumping what we can out of the buckets, balancing the loads, yet the buckets are running over in a big way. The only remaining choice was to remove each other's buckets. 

We came into the relationship aware of each other's full buckets. We're both intelligent, hardworking, determined people - if we couldn't manage, no one could! Yet, five years later, we are barely functioning and feeling like maybe no one (including us) could manage in these circumstances. I know we're coping way better than the average couple, but this is damage control. The alternative involves huge losses, resentment, and not liking each other. 

Separating is surreal to me. I'm action-oriented and not sure what to do next. We worked so hard to build this family... now we need to take it apart, while still keeping the contents in tact.


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## confused wtf (Mar 7, 2013)

What was in the buckets?


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Your post doesn't say that you are married. I will assume, since you are here, that you are. Separation is usually a prelude to divorce. If you think you have stress now, separation and divorce will NOT solve your problems. Simply because you live in different spots does NOT make the underlying issues go away and adds a unique set of problems, some of which you are experiencing right now. I would recommend you come back together, under one roof and actually WORK on your problems instead of ignoring them or pretending they don't exist. Separation is NEVER a fix for stressful situations.


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## Ms_Take (Mar 7, 2013)

There’s a lot more to the buckets, but I’ll try to keep it short…

Mine: 13-year-old special needs son (main diagnosis is autism, but he is severely aggressive and destructive), terrible childhood, no close friends or family, high-stress career.

His: criminal background (not drug/sex/violent crime; related to political activism), financial dependence, history of codependency with unstable ex (personality disorder, eating disorder, sex worker, anti-capitalist/anti-job, and now she’s a he), 50/50 custody of two awesome but damaged kids ages 12 and 6.

Ours: been together about 5 years, living together just under 3; not legally married because of everything in his bucket. I support the family (he puts $500/month towards expenses); he was an uneducated OTR truck driver when we got together and has since received a 2-year degree and is 1.5 years away from receiving his Special Education licensure. He recently got a full-time job in education and he’s going to school full-time. 

We have my special needs son all of the time and his two kids every other week. Their Other Parent and school are 25 miles from our home, and we need to transport them to and from school. This means they are up at 5:30 am and at day care by 6:30 so dad can get to work by 7 (their school starts at 10 and ends at 4:15). They usually get home around 6:30. The two older kids are each in one activity currently. My work schedule is somewhat flexible, meaning I can WAH or work whatever hours most of time. The other time, I’m either out-of-state or working 16-hour days. 

There is always something going on: at least one kid is sick or has lice AGAIN, one or both of the vehicles break down, staff doesn’t show up for my son, the Other Parent decides to leave town for a month, my work requires me to do something ridiculous at the last minute.

On top of being incredibly busy, most nights my son has violent tantrums that last for hours. He’s been to the ER, seen every specialist known to man, is on five medications, gets almost daily support (including in-home family therapy 2x/week), yet still is homicidal/suicidal. Since we’ve been together, my son has grown a foot and gained 100 lbs (so he provokes more of a “fight or flight response” in us). He’s on waiting lists for residential treatment, respite care, and a special needs school. If there is a resource, we’ve accessed it and are most likely on the waiting list.

We’ve always had chaos, but things began to escalate in October. We’re pretty good communicators and tried to problem-solve right away. We even made sure we carved out time to relax and connect. Unfortunately, my partner struggles to cope during prolonged stress (he excels at acute crises). He literally can’t think straight, remember the simplest things, or make a decision. He’s usually very mild-mannered but would lash out at my son during his tantrums. Even when he has a window of time, he can't do his course work. Up until now, he's been making near perfect marks. When we would have the rare night (or even weekend) alone, he would have an emotional breakdown and need comforting.

Maybe it was always there, but this seemed to spark a codependency between us. It was almost like he kept setting himself up to fail or disappoint so he could feel guilty and worthless. I would tell him I love him and support him, that he’s just under a lot of stress and it makes sense if he’s depressed and burnt out. We would discuss more therapy, more counseling, even medication. None of it felt right because we knew exactly what the problem was – too much stress! Besides, it didn't provide much help in the past. So, I kept trying to do more for him to lighten his load while he kept sabotaging himself, and neither his nor my needs were met. 

Most of the time, we were still respectful and loving towards each other. However, I started to get angry about his wallowing self-sabotage and inability to even attempt a connection. I understand stress and pressure sometimes make it hard (pun intended) to connect, but we can do other things. 

Tuesday was a particularly stressful day. When he finally came to bed, I shared my annoyance about our lack of connection and he basically said “Why are you even with me then?” And I said “I love you, but I can’t live like this! I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want me.” That was enough for him, and he decided to sleep on the couch for the first time ever. He texted me in the middle of the night that he wanted to come to bed, but I didn’t respond. He was short with me the next morning (probably because he didn’t sleep very well!) and said he and his kids would be staying at his parents' that night. 

They’ve been gone since. He stops by every day to talk and pick up stuff. He called me earlier today because the 6-year-old had a rough day (wet his pants at day care which is very unlike him) then he ended up in the nurse's office at school with a fever. He was on his way to pick him up and bring him in. Of course I was concerned and offered to help. There was even discussion about them spending the night tonight after the doctor's appointment. They did come over for dinner and afterwards the two of us talked about setting boundaries, making goals, and defining what we wanted to become. 

At first it seemed like we could still be a family living apart. He could focus on his stress management/depression and work towards independence (having his own place, paying his own bills, etc.) without having to stress about our busy daily life or my son’s disability. He still loves us and wants to be in each others’ lives. However, he’s already telling his close friends and family we’re separated and no longer together. I guess that was news to me. Just like that, my family is no longer. We couldn’t finish our talk about boundaries because I was too busy sobbing, and obviously they didn’t spend the night. 

I guess I just need to accept that it's over. Maybe my tolerance is too high, but I didn't think things were that bad. I think he was a good partner to me, and I was a good partner to him. Sure, we had things we were working on and lots of stress, but it was worth it.

My first challenge is to find support. It was a challenge before the break-up, but now it’s a necessity. I really don’t have any of my own close friends or family. I’m sure his friends and family would support me, but I'd feel bad putting them in that position. It’s quite baffling to people that we’re splitting up… I’m like a super-hero compared to his ex.

Next, I need to reevaluate my needs, wants, and goals. Just about everything I did was based on the family we were raising together. And with three kids and a crazy schedule, I didn’t have time for me. I’ve already completely cleaned and organized the house (including taking down all the family pictures because they make me weep… and I’m not a very emotional person!).

I also need to ensure that I don’t get into an unhealthy, codependent relationship with my son. Without some other focus, it would be easy to do. 

Any other advice? Obviously I didn’t realize I needed to be in the “Going Through a Divorce or Separation” so soon.


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## Ms_Take (Mar 7, 2013)

Ugh, I don't know what to do.

We still haven't had the "big talk" to define what we are, our boundaries, and next steps. I still want it to work. From what he's communicated so far, he doesn't... and that doesn't feel very good. 

When we finally get a chance to talk, I want to be open to what we wants and let him communicate it honestly, but how do I hold back my feelings of hurt and betrayal? How do I communicate what I want if it's different from what he wants? Do I just accept whatever he says and go with it?


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