# New Member- Losing my marriage, please help.



## Stella2732 (Jul 15, 2011)

Hello-
This is my first time posting, so bear with me.

I have been in a relationship with my husband for seven years, and married for two. We have both been through a lot, and initally that is what brought us together as friends. I dated his friend from highschool when I was in college, and he passed away. I knew my husband from him and about a year or so after he passed is when we started dating. That was a painful experience where people were upset and we lost friends because we were together. We have also both experienced the pain of being sexually abused. He was molested as a teen, and I was assaulted in college. We both dealt with these things very differently. I had a supportive family and went to counseling for several years to work through the pain/anger/being ashamed, etc. He, however, was blamed by his mother, never offered counseling, and was much younger than I was when it happened.
We have been progressively dealing with the escalation of his feelings from holding it in all of these years -- he was emotionally abusive for about 4 years (slowly progressed and got worse) and has more recently been physically abusive (in small ways). We tried counseling last year and he went for about a month and now says that he "has anger issues" and tells me that I need to deal with that. He will easily fly off the handle about things before I even realize what is going on. 
There is little to no sexual relationship anymore and just being around him is beyond miserable. I am constantly walking on egg shells and when I defend myself he explodes. I have been to counseling for the abuse, and intend to go back. Every time I mention it to him-- another explosion of anger. 
I feel like he used the counseling and counselor's words to be manipulative. No matter how the situation starts, it always comes up that I should know about his anger issues, and poor him for what he went through. 
Over the years, my sympathy level for him has dwindled. It's not that I don't respect how much he is hurting, but I just find it hard to always have to bow down and be the victim so he doesn't have to be. Therapy isn't "fun" and I worked really hard to ge myself to a healthy place so that one day I would be a good wife/girlfriend/mother-- and by him not putting the work in, I feel like I did that for nothing. Because of his unwillingness to seek help and put in the hard work, I have had to go back to therapy for his abuse. I want kids and am pushing 30 but refuse to bring children into this household with the physical and emotional violence.
More than anything, I want him to be okay and happy- and for myself to be happy. I am just not sure how to go about it-and am tired of feeling selfish for wanting to be happy.
I am so scared that we are headed towards divorce, and I don't know if it's just that I feel so beat down that I don't have the confidence to push the seperation issue, or if I love him and really want to stay.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

He is broken. You cannot fix him. If he won't try, you need to leave. Do not have children with this man.


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## Stella2732 (Jul 15, 2011)

I will not have children with him- not that it could even be a possiblity right now considering we have no sex life. And would never do that to an innocent child.

I just don't know how to leave. We own a home together, and I don't make as much as him and couldn't afford the home alone. Do I just pack my stuff and walk out? I don't want to leave him just hurting and alone. I want him to be okay, and get better. 

I have tried to leave before, but it seems like if it's me leaving or me telling him to get out, I always break. How do I find the confidence to actually go through with it?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You have two options: tolerate being with an abusive man in an abusive marriage or leave.

The worst thing you could do is get pregnant.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> He is broken. You cannot fix him. If he won't try, you need to leave. Do not have children with this man.


So true.


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## Danielson67 (Mar 10, 2011)

No one is beyond help, but often those closest to the abuser and the very ones that want to help them so bad are not the ones that can... in this case that's you. As far as the abuse goes, you do not deserve it and need to, physically, get out of the situation. Let him know how much you love him but that you cannot subject yourself to the abuse any longer. He has to realize that he really needs help. He has to come to the end of himself. He has to grasp the brutal truth that he, who was abused and mistreated has now become the abuser... That's what abuse does many times, it creates a cycle, and the very thing someone who has been abused hates, is what they become.

If you stay much longer, I believe all respect, compassion and sympathy for him is going to disappear. You will begin to loathe and despise him and you will get bitter and resentful. If you still have love for him get out now and try to be of whatever help and support you can be to him from outside of the immediate "physical" situation. 

If you choose to leave make sure he knows that you are 100% behind him if/when he decides to get help and will support him completely. 

Again, until he comes to the end of his rope and is completely sick and tired of his life as it is, nothing will change... and this will involve commitment to long-term counselling. He needs to be completely broken before he can get fixed... 

P.S. Hope you don't mind me being in the "ladies" lounge...


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## FaithHopeLove (Apr 21, 2011)

As others have said before, YOU can not fix him. HE has to be the one who wants to fix his anger issues. Not even a counselor can force him to fix his problems-- HE has to be the one who works it out.

I dealt with one boyfriend who was very abusive and put the blame on me-- it was my fault he was abusing me. I see the same thing happening in your situation: your husband is blaming you for his anger issues. 

This is not a marriage-- this is not how marriage should be (I've been married for less than a week and I already know that), so unless he is willing to work on his anger, there is no need for you to continue in this false marriage. Perhaps taking some time away (being separated) might help him to see what he is losing. From how it seems, it looks like you have nothing to lose by leaving your husband at this point.


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## LizzieBot (Jul 20, 2011)

Stella, this is a very bad place for you to be.  It sounds like you have made all the effort to fix this marriage and are facing a manipulative, troubled person who simply wants to fabricate excuses.

Your husband clearly requires the help of a psychiatrist as a marriage counselor can often make things worse in these situations. Marriage counselors use methods that can exacerbate problems with anger management, depression, or other mental health problems -- and I feel like this is what is happening to you.

My advice to you is to not tell him you're leaving. It is *unsafe* for you to do so if he is having outbursts which result in any level of physical abuse. Call a relative or find a hotel outside the city limits -- heck, if you live close enough, I'd hide you in my house -- and take your necessary belongings when he's not around. After it's done, you can call and dictate the terms. Either he gets professional help and possibly medication to control his temper or you're filing for divorce. There is absolutely *no viable reason* to stay in any abusive situation, even if you know it's caused by past abuse. Being abused does not give you the right to take it out on someone else later on.

I will keep you in my thoughts and hope you can consider this advice. I always worry when I hear/see someone say these things as the consequences of staying can sometimes be very costly. Best of luck.


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## Gracie08 (Jul 19, 2011)

Oh. My. God.

Get out! Get out!

Abuse only gets worse. My ex started with rough housing too hard of if we were playing he would pinch me or twist my arm.

It ended with him kicking me down a flight of stairs and choking me into unconsiousness (which he said I deserved because I made him angry). WHAT?!?!!?

He used the same thing - "I was abused" BOO HOO!!!! So were the rest of us! IT'S NO EXCUSE!!! 

Get out. 

Abusers NEVER change.

There is no such thing as physical abuse 'in small ways'.

It will only get worse and it always does.

It's not your responsibility to accept and fix his ridiculous anger issues. It's HIS responsibility.

Good luck and take good care of yourself.


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