# Feeling Defeated and Broken



## Enaj (Oct 25, 2016)

For several years my husband and I have had major intimacy issues for years. He never comes onto me, ever on his own. At first, I was okay with it. But then he started to claim he was too tired or not in the mood when I initiated so I became tired of trying. I’ve expressed myself to him time and time again, we’ve had arguments/discussions that have lasted into the wee hours of the night where I cry my eyes out and he shrugs and insists he is attracted to me and doesn’t know why it doesn’t occur to him. He always resolves to work on it and maybe he will come on to me once after that, but changes are never permanent.

A week or so ago I told him I was tired of feeling lonely and unwanted and I need him to show intimacy and I am tired of excuses. Again, he said he would work on it. Since then- no initiative. I even told him that night that if I ask him to rub my back that is me saying “HELLO I WANT SOME.” Last night I asked him to rub my back and after a couple minutes he stopped, rolled over, and I waited. And waited. Then I heard him sleeping. So I woke him up and said “so- just to be clear- I can never expect you to come on to me. If I want sex I have to beg for it. You will never do it willingly on your own?” Note: I realize how passive aggressive this was, but I am so at the end of my rope! I really don’t understand how this person can claim he loves me, wants to make love to me and then just doesn’t. It doesn’t cross his mind? Ever? Cue the huge fight. Back and forth and he said he didn’t see a point talking about it because I “always make everything about me.” And I think “the world should revolve around my feelings” and he didn’t want to get into a fight “just to be guilted into an apology” and I am just sitting here like, what? This IS about my feelings, I don’t think the world revolves around me but its like he is so insistent on making sure I know that my he purposely disregards my feelings. And guilted into an apology?! I didn’t want another apology- I want change! I want him to understand how badly he hurts me when he ignores me. He admitted that there is something wrong, but he said “you have a serious problem yourself if you think marriage and love is easy and magic.” I DON’T! But I think a couple should have sex more than once every 6 weeks and only if the wife asks. Another big mistake I made was I said “yeah, my serious problem is you.” And then he flipped out and started screaming that we were done. He is done with me and my crap. He stormed into our sleeping children’s room. I gave it a few minutes before approaching him and he refused to lower his voice and kept saying things like “I’m done b-“ and “we’re over we’re getting a *expletive* divorce”. 

This isn’t the first time he’s done this. In fact, he almost always threatens divorce when arguments arise. The last time he did it was 2 weeks ago and a week before that when we weren’t seeing eye to eye on stand alone issues regarding disciplining our youngest child. I don’t understand why he goes there. In the end last night he came back to bed and apologized and said he shouldn’t have said those things and, again, agreed to work on our intimacy issues. I was so tired I went to sleep, but I’ve spent the whole day in a haze. I feel absolutely shattered. 

This isn’t the first time any of this has happened, but I am tired of not only fighting when there didn’t need to be a fight (which, I know I was extremely passive aggressive and that didn’t help matters) but having to defend our actual marriage instead of working through an issue. I feel manipulated and abused and I am just so tired. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to end my marriage, but I don’t want to be married like this anymore. I feel like I have 3 husbands 1- the helpful roommate, 2- the explosive and immature martyr that I can’t have a real conversation with and of course 3- the good guy who shows up around friends/family and for church. I am tired.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This is a very difficult, but surprisingly common situation. Being rejected by your spouse is really hurtful. There are a number of threads here discussing this topic that you might want to read. 

Has he always had a low interest in sex, or did this change over time. 

Its very likely the issue is him, not you.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Get a divorce. I used to beg too and it sucks. Nothing like a partner whose more than happy to jump your bones.

He's either LD in which case your drives do not match or he is no longer attracted to you or possibly both.

You can't change him so change your situation. As @uhtred said, there's a few threads like this floating around already.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

I'm sorry you are going through this.

you may find some resources to help you here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Enaj said:


> *He admitted that there is something wrong, *but he said “you have a serious problem yourself if you think marriage and love is easy and magic.” I DON’T! But I think a couple should have sex more than once every 6 weeks and only if the wife asks. Another big mistake I made was I said “yeah, my serious problem is you.” And then he flipped out and started screaming that we were done. He is done with me and my crap. He stormed into our sleeping children’s room. I gave it a few minutes before approaching him and he refused to lower his voice and kept saying things like “I’m done b-“ and “we’re over we’re getting a *expletive* divorce”.
> 
> This isn’t the first time he’s done this. In fact, he almost always threatens divorce when arguments arise. The last time he did it was 2 weeks ago and a week before that when we weren’t seeing eye to eye on stand alone issues regarding disciplining our youngest child. I don’t understand why he goes there. In the end last night he came back to bed and apologized and said he shouldn’t have said those things and, again, agreed to work on our intimacy issues. I was so tired I went to sleep, but I’ve spent the whole day in a haze. I feel absolutely shattered.
> 
> This isn’t the first time any of this has happened, but I am tired of not only fighting when there didn’t need to be a fight (which, I know I was extremely passive aggressive and that didn’t help matters) but having to defend our actual marriage instead of working through an issue. I feel manipulated and abused and I am just so tired. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to end my marriage, but I don’t want to be married like this anymore. I feel like I have 3 husbands 1- the helpful roommate, 2- the explosive and immature martyr that I can’t have a real conversation with and of course 3- the good guy who shows up around friends/family and for church. I am tired.


So next time he throws the threat of divorce in your face, tell him "Ok you got it. Let me know when you are leaving." And you have to MEAN IT. Constant threats of divorce are NOT OK. EVER. You are going to have to be willing to lose this to try and save it. And if he follows through and initiates divorce...well you didn't really have a marriage to save then. 

I bolded above where he says there IS something wrong. You need to get to the heart of that , find out what it is. Beating him over the head about having sex is counterproductive though, as you are seeing. You cant fix it for him. He needs to be up front about what his issue is, if he cares to fix it, and if not, then YOU need to decide what course of action you will take.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

Not seeing this getting any better sorry.

I guess you could pull the old "If you want a divorce and no sex then you got it" and go file papers and see if it jerks him back to reality but it would be forced and wouldn't last long.


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## NothingsOriginal (Sep 23, 2016)

I would not call in the lawyers just yet. you need to decide if you (and H) want to put some effort into saving this, and go from there.

Is it really sex you are missing? Or intimacy? I learned here on TAM that the two things are different, just sometimes very intertwined. Typically we have a NEED for intimacy, but a DESIRE for sex.

Make a list of your NEEDS. These are non-negotiable. To sort out the wheat from the chaff my list only contained those few things that for sure would lead to divorce if unmet. However silly they seem to sound they are your NEEDS. For instance, I need to be able to go to sleep unafraid of being killed in my sleep. (need #1). If you think there is enough of a chance for H to meet your needs then go forward. If not, get out.

In my experience initiating Sex at the same time as sleepytime is risky business. It's a trap we easily fall into since the bed is common ground for both activities. "You're here, I'm here, Let's do it!" is acceptable foreplay at age 18, but becomes less effective later in life.

Somebody here (I think BadSanta) taught me that foreplay starts when you wake up. You need to do little suggestions all day long , look nice, act nice, smell nice, and make sure he notices all of that is for him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> Get a divorce. I used to beg too and it sucks. Nothing like a partner whose more than happy to jump your bones.
> 
> He's either LD in which case your drives do not match or he is no longer attracted to you or possibly both.
> 
> You can't change him so change your situation. As @uhtred said, there's a few threads like this floating around already.


Rather than going immediately for a divorce, I think I would suggest having a full health screening for both of you. 

It's possible he has low testosterone or another health problem that cripples his sex drive.

However, if that's not the case then I think couple's counselling and individual counselling might be of benefit.

If he doesn't want to go for a health check and/or refuses counselling, then you need to think very carefully about what @BetrayedDad suggested. Look at your options regarding divorce. 

By the way, no normal person dashes into the room of a sleeping child and starts hollering and screaming.There is something off about your husband's behaviour, @Enaj. And to be honest I think an apparent lack of interest in sex might only be a small part of it.


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