# Am I Right to Be Angry



## mommyto2girls (Nov 12, 2008)

I have been married now for 6 1/2 years. My husband and I have our spats and disagreements and sometimes I ask myself why I am still with this man, but I always come back to the love even though I don't always feel it anymore. Here is why I am so angry....

I work for a custom high end rifle company and for christmas I had decided that I would buy my husband a rifle since he throughly enjoys his hunting and I get a good deal on the rifles. Before I officially place the order I had sent an email to his cousin to make sure I was ordering a caliber that my husband would want. I put the order in knowing that if I heard back from him and said something different I would still have time to change the order. Then the other day I checked MY email and noticed that his cousin had responded but the email had already been read. The only person other than me that has the password is my husband. Naturally I asked him about it and he denied checking my email. I changed my password and didn't tell him. Then I got a text from him that read the following: Why did you change your password? what are you trying to hide? How many other email accounts do you have?.... I was so angry after I got that, I just cancelled his rifle order. This is not the first time I caught him checking up on me things like, going through my cell phone, checking my myspace page and he has even told me beofre that I had a game downloaded on my myspace page before and he downloaded it too just so he could keep tabs on me. Is it just me or is there a trust issue here? I can't take him checking up on my every single move anymore, I think one needs some privacy even in a marriage. Please any opinions, suggestions welcome


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

mommyto2girls said:


> I have been married now for 6 1/2 years. My husband and I have our spats and disagreements and sometimes I ask myself why I am still with this man, but I always come back to the love even though I don't always feel it anymore. Here is why I am so angry....
> 
> I work for a custom high end rifle company and for christmas I had decided that I would buy my husband a rifle since he throughly enjoys his hunting and I get a good deal on the rifles. Before I officially place the order I had sent an email to his cousin to make sure I was ordering a caliber that my husband would want. I put the order in knowing that if I heard back from him and said something different I would still have time to change the order. Then the other day I checked MY email and noticed that his cousin had responded but the email had already been read. The only person other than me that has the password is my husband. Naturally I asked him about it and he denied checking my email. I changed my password and didn't tell him. Then I got a text from him that read the following: Why did you change your password? what are you trying to hide? How many other email accounts do you have?.... I was so angry after I got that, I just cancelled his rifle order. This is not the first time I caught him checking up on me things like, going through my cell phone, checking my myspace page and he has even told me beofre that I had a game downloaded on my myspace page before and he downloaded it too just so he could keep tabs on me. Is it just me or is there a trust issue here? I can't take him checking up on my every single move anymore, I think one needs some privacy even in a marriage. Please any opinions, suggestions welcome


Sounds like he has a trust issue. Has anything happened in the past that would cause this? Yes, a certain level of respect or privacy should be allowed-AS LONG AS- it is not damaging to the relationship or your vows. It is a shame that he ruined his suprise. What he doesn't see is that this behavior will push u away most likely and you will start hiding things to avoid arguments. Not a good road to be going down.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

He may have trust or insecurity issues or a combination of both. Has there ever been an incident in the marriage that would cause him to question you about your commitment to the marriage? Has he always been this way? Usually the best way to resolve trust issues is to have honest communication and an openness to each other. But you do have a right to privacy in the marriage.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Unless you have cheated in some way there is a amount of privacy that you should get from your husband. Try to communicate a set of rules and boundries for the tow of you.

draconis


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## mommyto2girls (Nov 12, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> He may have trust or insecurity issues or a combination of both. Has there ever been an incident in the marriage that would cause him to question you about your commitment to the marriage? Has he always been this way? Usually the best way to resolve trust issues is to have honest communication and an openness to each other. But you do have a right to privacy in the marriage.




As far as I know I haven't done anything to make him question my commitment to the marriage. I have never cheated or anything close to those line. No, he hasn't always been this way. In Sept of 05 we moved about 2500 miles from where we both grew up to be closer with some of his family that moved out west. That is when it began. Not so much at first but has gotten worse over the last year.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

How well are you communicating? Have you asked him about going to see a counselor?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

It is likely he is dealing with some insecurities. Why did you move? Was it just to be near family or job related? Has he gained weight? Changed habits?


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## mommyto2girls (Nov 12, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> It is likely he is dealing with some insecurities. Why did you move? Was it just to be near family or job related? Has he gained weight? Changed habits?



we moved to be closer to his grandparents and for the area because it is gorgeous, relaxed, and a great place to raise kids. Nope he is still my tall lanky man, and his habbits haven't really changed but I would say he drinks more than he did before.

For the post that was before this: We don't do a good job at communicating, when I try to talk to him about issues I have with him or us he turns it all around on me like, I made this happen, its my fault, I don't respect him etc. We usually just end up in a fight


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Would he go to counseling to try to learn to communicate better? Is his drinking excessive? Is it job or stress related?


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## mommyto2girls (Nov 12, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> Would he go to counseling to try to learn to communicate better? Is his drinking excessive? Is it job or stress related?




I don't know if he woud go to counseling or not, I dont think he would have a great reaction to it, but he may consider it. He drinks about an 18 pack of beer every two days (give or take). Job or stress related , well he doesn't work so I don't think its that, the only responsibilities he has is to get my older daughter to kindergaden, pick her up from school and drop my youngest off at the bus stop in the afternoon for pre-school and then pick her back up. I can't even get the man to clean the house for me while I am at work or start dinner. Instead I listen to how board he is all day long and calling me throughout the day to see what I am doing. I have tried to convince him to get a job to make his day better and not so boring not to mention help out financially but he refused.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

mommyto2girls said:


> I don't know if he woud go to counseling or not, I dont think he would have a great reaction to it, but he may consider it. He drinks about an 18 pack of beer every two days (give or take). Job or stress related , well he doesn't work so I don't think its that, the only responsibilities he has is to get my older daughter to kindergaden, pick her up from school and drop my youngest off at the bus stop in the afternoon for pre-school and then pick her back up. I can't even get the man to clean the house for me while I am at work or start dinner. Instead I listen to how board he is all day long and calling me throughout the day to see what I am doing. I have tried to convince him to get a job to make his day better and not so boring not to mention help out financially but he refused.


Why is he not working? Did he have an accident or injury to cause him not to work? Not working could be a HUGE piece of this puzzle.


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## mommyto2girls (Nov 12, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> Why is he not working? Did he have an accident or injury to cause him not to work? Not working could be a HUGE piece of this puzzle.


He chooses not to work. In the almost 9 years we have been together he has had 3 jobs and none of them lasting more than a year. He has had no injuries he is perfectly capable to work. The not working is another issue we have. we barely make ends meat every month, no every week and in most cases have to not pay some bills just to buy food. I said the other day I was thinking about getting a second job esp since our rent was just increased that we needed the money and his response was "good now I don't have to go get a job". I don't want to make him sound like a horrible husband because he has his very good qualities that I love about him. But no he is capable of working just chooses not too


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Part of his insecurities might have to do with the fact that he doesn’t work. He needs you and since you are able to work as well as take care of the cooking and cleaning he has no purpose. He has brought that on by himself with his actions. You are enabling him in this lifestyle. Did he ever live on his own or has there always been some one taking care of him?


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

mommyto2girls said:


> He chooses not to work. In the almost 9 years we have been together he has had 3 jobs and none of them lasting more than a year. He has had no injuries he is perfectly capable to work. The not working is another issue we have. we barely make ends meat every month, no every week and in most cases have to not pay some bills just to buy food. I said the other day I was thinking about getting a second job esp since our rent was just increased that we needed the money and his response was "good now I don't have to go get a job". I don't want to make him sound like a horrible husband because he has his very good qualities that I love about him. But no he is capable of working just chooses not too


Did you both decide that he would not work and stay at home with the kids or is it a decision he has made on his own? Sorry for all the questions, just trying to get an idea of the bigger picture.

So far~
It sounds as though he is bored because he is not working throughout the day. He drinks when money is tight. Do you think he feels guilty about not contributing to the family? Men like to be the breadwinner typically. I know it is tough to know his feelings, so what reasons does he give for not working?


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> Part of his insecurities might have to do with the fact that he doesn’t work. He needs you and since you are able to work as well as take care of the cooking and cleaning he has no purpose. He has brought that on by himself with his actions. You are enabling him in this lifestyle. Did he ever live on his own or has there always been some one taking care of him?



Took the words right out of my mouth!


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## mommyto2girls (Nov 12, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> Part of his insecurities might have to do with the fact that he doesn’t work. He needs you and since you are able to work as well as take care of the cooking and cleaning he has no purpose. He has brought that on by himself with his actions. You are enabling him in this lifestyle. Did he ever live on his own or has there always been some one taking care of him?


When i met him he was living at home with his mom and before that he was in the army and before that he lived at a college campus (didn't attend) with a bunch of buddies.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

mommyto2girls said:


> When i met him he was living at home with his mom and before that he was in the army and before that he lived at a college campus (didn't attend) with a bunch of buddies.


He is used to having someone take care of him....

You should contact a counselor and get your husband to go asap.


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## mommyto2girls (Nov 12, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> Did you both decide that he would not work and stay at home with the kids or is it a decision he has made on his own? Sorry for all the questions, just trying to get an idea of the bigger picture.
> 
> So far~
> It sounds as though he is bored because he is not working throughout the day. He drinks when money is tight. Do you think he feels guilty about not contributing to the family? Men like to be the breadwinner typically. I know it is tough to know his feelings, so what reasons does he give for not working?



No he decided that he would not work. He had a good job with a private gardens as the groundskeeper and made a very decent wage even though it was only from march through october but he still could collect unemployment in the off season. Then he started back in March this passed year then came home to me in June and said that he gave his notice, he wanted to enjoy some summertime fun. 

Yes, he drinks even if money is tight, he has made me pawn things before just because we didn't have money for beer. Maybe he does feel quilty but he sure doesn't portray it.

the questions are fine, I don't mind answering if helps you understand the situation better to give advice no worries


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Sorry to be harsh but your husband needs to grow up and take responsibility for his life and family. If he chooses to be a SAHD that’s great but he needs to accept the responsibilities that go along with it. Cooking, cleaning, home maintenance… Right now he is expecting you to not only bring home the cash, cook and clean but also be his source of entertainment. His behavior is deeply seeded and it is unlikely he even knows how far out of the norm this is. Does he feel no shame for being a slug? Sorry for the bluntness but from what you’ve described I struggle to come up with a kinder term.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

He might be an excellent father and might have several redeeming qualities, but he is making choices without you. Choosing to not work and not help financially, choosing to drink and not pay bills, choosing to invade privacy. These are all choices he is making. In a marriage decisions should be made together. He should not be calling all the shots. I worry you will end up resenting him down the road as you are carrying a lot of stress and a huge load right now. Even if he won't go to counseling, I would suggest going for yourself!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

You are financially strapped with children to support and he 'chooses' not to work? No wonder he is snooping -- based on that, he knows darn well you could very well get fed up at some point and he fears (and rightly so) that there are many men out there that would step up and do right by you. He needs a serious wake-up call. You are doing your share and more.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Oh, and to answer the title of your thread, YES, you have every right to be angry...in fact, i'm pretty annoyed just reading about this


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## mommyto2girls (Nov 12, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> He might be an excellent father and might have several redeeming qualities, but he is making choices without you. Choosing to not work and not help financially, choosing to drink and not pay bills, choosing to invade privacy. These are all choices he is making. In a marriage decisions should be made together. He should not be calling all the shots. I worry you will end up resenting him down the road as you are carrying a lot of stress and a huge load right now. Even if he won't go to counseling, I would suggest going for yourself!


I would love to go to counseling but I don't think it is something i can afford.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I would open new bank accounts in YOUR name, put YOUR money in there and make sure YOU pay the bills. 

When he complains there's no money in the usual accounts...tell him to get a job and put HIS money in them. Period. 

Otherwise, I'd so quickly kick his sorry ass out that his head would spin like the girl in Excorcist! 

He needs to grow up, but it's highly likely it's way too late. He needs time on his own. Big time. 

Kick him out, but continue to "date" him...but make him work for it!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

dcrim said:


> I would open new bank accounts in YOUR name, put YOUR money in there and make sure YOU pay the bills.
> 
> When he complains there's no money in the usual accounts...tell him to get a job and put HIS money in them. Period.
> 
> ...



y'know what...:iagree:100%


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

mommyto2girls said:


> I would love to go to counseling but I don't think it is something i can afford.


Call around to some local churches or faith based counseling centers. They usually charge on a sliding fee basis and will accept only what you can afford to pay them. If you can only pay $10, then they will take $10. I strongly urge you to call around-the sooner the better.


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## mommyto2girls (Nov 12, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> Call around to some local churches or faith based counseling centers. They usually charge on a sliding fee basis and will accept only what you can afford to pay them. If you can only pay $10, then they will take $10. I strongly urge you to call around-the sooner the better.




unfortunately for me I think you are all right. I have let all of this go on for way to long and now its reaking its havic on me. I have thought about seperation before but the thought of it scares the hell out of me. I have gotten so use to having someone there with me and fear I couldn't do it on my own. I know I could do it financially because I already do and actually without him we would actually be better off, one less mouth to feed, but beer for, buy other necesseties etc. However, the thought of not having him around scares me too, because I do love him, I just wants things to be different. I am sick of walking on egg shells being unsure of his mood swings, I am sick of acting like someone I am not, I am sick of his behavior but I am still in love with him.......


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I understand what you are saying and I know you are hurting. It is not fair and it is not easy, but I think counseling would be the best thing. Take the money he normally spends on beer and use it for counseling. Ask him to go and tell him that this is what needs to be done. You deserve to be happy and while I understand that you love him, you are extremely stressed out and miserable. You need to make changes as does he. Set some goals and start making those changes today.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

mommyto2girls said:


> I have thought about seperation before but the thought of it scares the hell out of me. I have gotten so use to having someone there with me and fear I couldn't do it on my own.


Of course you can do this on your own. You are practically on your own already. It will be like having one less child to take care of. Time for him to wake up. Maybe this will be the call.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

mommyto2girls said:


> ... However, the thought of not having him around scares me too, because I do love him, I just wants things to be different. I am sick of walking on egg shells being unsure of his mood swings, I am sick of acting like someone I am not, I am sick of his behavior but I am still in love with him.......


And what do sick people do? Take a break and get some rest. 

Kicking him out is NOT a separation, if you "date" him. 

Continue to see him, go to dinners, movies, etc. Just make sure he knows why he's out (for a while, although you don't need to tell him how long it will be or that you will expect him back because he will simply bide his time) - he needs to grow and take responsibility. 

But you need some alone time to recover. And both of you need counseling.


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