# Wife going to prison, how to deal?



## nightfly (Jan 29, 2017)

Oh boy, my wife really messed up. In short, she got drunk, ended up hitting someone and critically injuring them. In long, she has had issues with alcohol in the past and has gotten over it, though that was when she was much younger in which she did get a DUI. But 6 months ago she started a new job that was really stressing her out and started drinking again, which was not good and I did everything I knew how to get her to stop but she wouldn't hear it. To make matters worse we have two daughters; 14 and 10. She is 44 and also has some health issues, namely endometriosis and a few other more minor things. Of course her being an alcoholic is one of them, but even before she started drinking again she would have days where she can't get out of bed hardly and just was awful for her. She was sentenced to 6 years and as you can imagine, this has turned our world upside down. 

Of course, for the person she hit I can't say how bad I feel about it. And I realize my wife will have to do her time, perhaps get out earlier with good behavior, but it also greatly affects our daughters and what they are also going through. Not sure if anyone here has dealt with a spouse in prison but I would appreciate some thoughts/comments/advice. 

But I also worry about my wife's health. From what I know prison isn't always great about offering health services not to mention the embarrassing and even humiliating part of it. I will see her in prison as well as our daughter's if they so choose. She really messed up and now we all have to suffer. I do plan to still support her of course and offer encouragement. Just mentally not sure what else I can do helping her prepare for prison and for her being away so long. Thanks for reading and I hope I can get some advice. If you have any questions you can let me know and I'll try to answer as best I can.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry to hear this.  I have no real advice, but maybe have some type of family counseling to help your children to get through some of this. Hugs and prayers for you all, going out to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, this is going to be hard. You are just going to have to take it one day at a time. Hopefully your wife will serve less than then she has been sentenced for. I think most people do.

I really feel badly for your children.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

Mt thoughts are with you and your family. Now is the time to tell your girls that good people do bad things sometimes and to relay to them the importance of just doing the right thing in life. Whatever you do DO NOT be judgemental to their mom openly. Show forgiveness. It will make them respect you more. Keep the focus on their needs and get therapy for all of you. And make sure you have a support system, even if it's people here at TAM. I wish you all the best.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

It is very important to know which correctional facility your wife is going to be held in.You haven't said where you live so I can't begin to guess where she will be held.The healthcare varies widely between facilities.Also how severe is her endometriosis,is she incontinent at this time,is she able to sleep,does she get migraines,is she constipated or does she suffer diarrohea,these are questions which should be brought up pre sentencing or at the very least before she is designated a facility.With a good enough lawyer she may be able to get immediate parole if healthcare at her prison is not deemed suitable for someone in her condition.While not telling you or her to lie,exaggerating her symptoms may help her in her situation.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Get to know the correctional officers and become friends with them if possible. I'm not joking. Many of them truly believe in what they are doing and would love to help and interact with you.

Get them in your life even inviting them to dinner with you and your kids.

Do everything in your power to visit and assure your wife of your love for her and she should see her children as well. Don't listen to any voices saying to keep your girls from seeing mom.

Jail can be detaching and dehumanizing enough. It is good to talk about the issues anyway.

Mommy made some bad choices and is correcting them.

Find out what furthering educational opportunities there are so she can be productive and have goals.

Keep posting. This isn't the end, hang in there buddy!


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## Angelone (Jan 16, 2017)

I have never been to prison but I have a friend that has, she spent 2 years. I am just going to be honest and say it's going to be very hard and difficult for your wife, especially with her health issues. They don't really care about any health issues you may have. It's awful your wife having endometriosis, I have heard it can be debilitating for sure. Unfortunately, she isn't likely to get much sympathy. They are VERY strict, no matter how bad she is feeling she will be forced to get up at the same time, be forced to eat at the same time, eat what they give and even in women's prison you need to be careful not to make others mad. The guards can be good or bad or just straight up jerks, even the female ones.

My friend told me even necessary things such as pads/tampons are in short supply and that's even assuming you have someone that puts money in the commissary to do so. Unfortunately, she has to pay her debt to society like anyone else. You can support her, but you really should prioritize you and your daughter's needs. So sorry.

Oh, also forgot to mention the worst part is they give routine strip searches regardless if you are on your period or not. My friend said that was the worst part. The first time your wife enters prison, she will have to remove her shirt, pants etc. And she will have to remove her underwear as bad as it is. Again, very sorry.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

How critically did your wife injure the other party? 

6 years could have been much longer. While she may have a tough time with her existing health issues, somehow I feel she can't have been all that concerned about her health if she was drinking herself into a state with any frequency.

Your girls will learn much from this experience. Please consider getting them into therapy so they can learn to process and express all of the emotions they must be feeling. Be there for when they're ready to talk about things.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @nightfly ~ what state are you in? I'm assuming that this is a state prison facility to which she'll be assigned to!

I also take it that this was not her first stint at DUI? Did she plead "guilty" or did she stand trial! Also, what was her exact length of sentencing?*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

We will be here for you and your children.

Are there association or groups for spouses of prisoners that would be able to offer you advice or help?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

nightfly said:


> Oh boy, my wife really messed up. In short, she got drunk, ended up hitting someone and critically injuring them. In long, she has had issues with alcohol in the past and has gotten over it, though that was when she was much younger in which she did get a DUI. But 6 months ago she started a new job that was really stressing her out and started drinking again, which was not good and I did everything I knew how to get her to stop but she wouldn't hear it. To make matters worse we have two daughters; 14 and 10. She is 44 and also has some health issues, namely endometriosis and a few other more minor things. Of course her being an alcoholic is one of them, but even before she started drinking again she would have days where she can't get out of bed hardly and just was awful for her. She was sentenced to 6 years and as you can imagine, this has turned our world upside down.
> 
> Of course, for the person she hit I can't say how bad I feel about it. And I realize my wife will have to do her time, perhaps get out earlier with good behavior, but it also greatly affects our daughters and what they are also going through. Not sure if anyone here has dealt with a spouse in prison but I would appreciate some thoughts/comments/advice.
> 
> But I also worry about my wife's health. From what I know prison isn't always great about offering health services not to mention the embarrassing and even humiliating part of it. I will see her in prison as well as our daughter's if they so choose. She really messed up and now we all have to suffer. I do plan to still support her of course and offer encouragement. Just mentally not sure what else I can do helping her prepare for prison and for her being away so long. Thanks for reading and I hope I can get some advice. If you have any questions you can let me know and I'll try to answer as best I can.


I'm sorry OP, this is one of those things in life that you just have to go through. I suggest you look for boards with people with the same experience to give you some insight on what to expect. Here might be a good start. 

Sorry that is rough.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

nightfly said:


> Oh boy, my wife really messed up. In short, she got drunk, ended up hitting someone and critically injuring them. In long, she has had issues with alcohol in the past and has gotten over it, though that was when she was much younger in which she did get a DUI. But 6 months ago she started a new job that was really stressing her out and started drinking again, which was not good and I did everything I knew how to get her to stop but she wouldn't hear it. To make matters worse we have two daughters; 14 and 10. She is 44 and also has some health issues, namely endometriosis and a few other more minor things. Of course her being an alcoholic is one of them, but even before she started drinking again she would have days where she can't get out of bed hardly and just was awful for her. She was sentenced to 6 years and as you can imagine, this has turned our world upside down.
> 
> Of course, for the person she hit I can't say how bad I feel about it. And I realize my wife will have to do her time, perhaps get out earlier with good behavior, but it also greatly affects our daughters and what they are also going through. Not sure if anyone here has dealt with a spouse in prison but I would appreciate some thoughts/comments/advice.
> 
> But I also worry about my wife's health. From what I know prison isn't always great about offering health services not to mention the embarrassing and even humiliating part of it. I will see her in prison as well as our daughter's if they so choose. She really messed up and now we all have to suffer. I do plan to still support her of course and offer encouragement. Just mentally not sure what else I can do helping her prepare for prison and for her being away so long. Thanks for reading and I hope I can get some advice. If you have any questions you can let me know and I'll try to answer as best I can.


I would engage a counselor immediately. The first thing you have to deal with is how YOU are going to handle it. Your children need a strong dad, a counselor will help you be that dad.

Secondly, a good counselor will also be of assistance in helping you help your wife and helping her find the right resources.

As far as the embarrassing and humiliating part - that's intentional, it's part of the punishment. It's to give her a disincentive to do it again - and for you to be strong in helping her to keep that commitment.

Whether you want to hear this or not, the highest percentage of success rates for recovery from alcohol are religion-based. Alcoholics Anonymous, whether they want to admit it or not, practice 2nd century guilt-driven Christianity. I think most prisons have chaplains, I would recommend she avail herself of this person. I'd be surprised if there aren't 12-step (AA) programs inside the prison. She's got some years in front of her where she can't access alcohol, why not put them to use in a program?

That last paragraph, by the way, is probably the stuff that constitutes "good behavior" and might help her get out early.

I'm surprised at this harsh punishment - even with bodily injury, it is rare for a court to make such a sentence if it's the first arrest for alcohol. If it's not the first arrest, you have some hard work in front of you.

Including - zero tolerance when she gets out. A counselor could persuade me out of this, but in my view, if my spouse were imprisoned for such a thing, I would gently draw the line - the first time you drink after you get out, we are going to be divorced. If you didn't have children, I wouldn't say so. 

Part of the issue is that now she has this on her record, a much more minor infraction could land her back, with a longer sentence.


Not trying to be harsh, but you must protect your daughters and yourself. IMO, that is priority #1. Then, priority #2 - almost at the same level - be loving to your wife and get her the help she needs. You need outside help for this.


Good luck!!!

ddddddddddddd


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## nightfly (Jan 29, 2017)

First off, thanks for all the advice. To answer a few question: She has approximately 6 years 4 months, the person she hit will have life long disability even with physical therapy, we live in Oklahoma a state that's very strict on this kind of stuff. She will surrender herself this upcoming Friday. Also, in case some missed it, as I stated she has already had a DUI on her before this.

We have been getting what of her affairs of hers in order as we can. She is understandably devastated. One question I have is should we take our daughters with us when she finally surrenders herself or should we leave them with a family member and it just be me and her?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I am very sorry. Its one of the things many people miss is that prison punishes more than just the guilty party. 

I wish I knew how to make things better.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

nightfly said:


> First off, thanks for all the advice. To answer a few question: She has approximately 6 years 4 months, the person she hit will have life long disability even with physical therapy, we live in Oklahoma a state that's very strict on this kind of stuff. She will surrender herself this upcoming Friday. Also, in case some missed it, as I stated she has already had a DUI on her before this.
> 
> We have been getting what of her affairs of hers in order as we can. She is understandably devastated. One question I have is should we take our daughters with us when she finally surrenders herself or should we leave them with a family member and it just be me and her?


*Ask your wife and your daughters! 

First off, provided that the prison facility permits children to accompany you, then if they are both amenable to traveling with you, then I'd bring them along! But do not force them to go if they are adverse to doing it!

In any event, at least take your W out for a lovely dinner prior to, say once by yourselves, and then once with the children!

I regret that this has happened to you, and my prayers go out to both you and your wife, but more especially those lovely daughters of yours!

May all of you stay strong and grounded in faith, for the Lord will absolutely not put any more burden on you than you can carry! We are your family here at TAM, so please stay with us for good and solid counsel 

May our Heavenly Father come to bring favor and blessings to you during this entire ordeal!*


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

nightfly said:


> We have been getting what of her affairs of hers in order as we can. She is understandably devastated. One question I have is should we take our daughters with us when she finally surrenders herself or should we leave them with a family member and it just be me and her?


Your girls are 10 and 14 yes? I think they're old enough to decide for themselves what they wish to do. It's very important that both you and your wife are supportive of whatever decision they make.

It might be a good idea to take a support person with you all, even if they follow behind, to be there in case the girls decide they want to go but decide they can't cope once they're there...this person could be there for them, allowing you to be there for your wife.

My thoughts are with you all.


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## nightfly (Jan 29, 2017)

I have talked to our daughter's regarding their feelings and they are split on the issue. They both know what their mother did so I didn't sugar coat anything, simply state the facts. Our 10 year old is upset, and has said she is very worried about her mother and over what it will mean for our family but still talks with her. Our 14 year old is quite the opposite. She is angry at her and refuses to speak to her, she views her mother as a bad person and as she put it feels her mother wronged her. Keep in mind, I did NOT speak bad about their mother or anything like that, just told them what she did. 

They are both greatly hurting and I don't blame them, and as supportive as I am for my wife, even I have to admit I am a bit angry and upset over her putting all of us through this. 

I plan to speak to both of them again, I just am unsure how I want to phrase it given that on one hand we all need to support and help her, but on the other that there are consequences for when we do bad things and break the law.


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## Angelone (Jan 16, 2017)

Personally, I would recommend having a family outing they day before and have just you and your wife go to surrender herself, but that's just me. And while I do deeply sympathize with her and what she has going through, the needs of you and your daughter's should come first. 

One thing that I will say is that on the day she is to surrender make sure she goes. I am sure it is horrible and even frightening for her, but on the day of, even as bad as her endometriosis may be, even if it is a bad day for her and she says she can't, she has to.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@nightfly counselling for you and the girls is what I would recommend.

Also, how is your wife's victim doing?

If it was me in your position I would see if there were anything that I could or should do for them. 

If there is a go fund me style account I might pay some money in on behalf of the family maybe anonymously or even set up an account if there isn't one.

You know something of their situation and would know if those ideas are necessary or possible.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> @nightfly counselling for you and the girls is what I would recommend.
> 
> Also, how is your wife's victim doing?
> 
> ...


That's a good thought, Matt. 

I'd also consider, however, that the victim and family might not want to have anything more to do with the OPs family. I'd tread carefully. Anonymous donation might be best.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I would take them, provided they want to go.

Let them feel like they are part of the process, and let them get an up-close view of the consequences of alcoholism.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Satya said:


> That's a good thought, Matt.
> 
> I'd also consider, however, that the victim and family might not want to have anything more to do with the OPs family. I'd tread carefully. Anonymous donation might be best.


Yes. Anonymously would probably be better.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Yep, this is going to be hard. You are just going to have to take it one day at a time. Hopefully your wife will serve less than then she has been sentenced for. I think most people do.
> 
> I really feel badly for your children.


I think its usually about half the sentence with good behaviour.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

nightfly said:


> I have talked to our daughter's regarding their feelings and they are split on the issue. They both know what their mother did so I didn't sugar coat anything, simply state the facts. Our 10 year old is upset, and has said she is very worried about her mother and over what it will mean for our family but still talks with her. Our 14 year old is quite the opposite. She is angry at her and refuses to speak to her, she views her mother as a bad person and as she put it feels her mother wronged her. Keep in mind, I did NOT speak bad about their mother or anything like that, just told them what she did.
> 
> They are both greatly hurting and I don't blame them, and as supportive as I am for my wife, even I have to admit I am a bit angry and upset over her putting all of us through this.
> 
> I plan to speak to both of them again, I just am unsure how I want to phrase it given that on one hand we all need to support and help her, but on the other that there are consequences for when we do bad things and break the law.


I feel for you and your daughters, you are the innocent victims here. As for your wife, she could have killed this person, maybe they will be disabled or have long term health issues because of it, what she did is so serious. if they had died she would be in jail for many many more years. 
Hopefully this will be a massive wake up call for the terrible damage drink does and how is affects people, and of course she wont be able to drink for that time in jail, so that may be a good thing as well. 

Let your daughters feel what they feel. I can understand the older one being angry, what her mum did was selfish and stupid. She caused them to have to be without their mum for at least 3 years, and that's hard for them(and you).


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

nightfly said:


> First off, thanks for all the advice. To answer a few question: She has approximately 6 years 4 months, the person she hit will have life long disability even with physical therapy, we live in Oklahoma a state that's very strict on this kind of stuff. She will surrender herself this upcoming Friday. Also, in case some missed it, as I stated she has already had a DUI on her before this.
> 
> We have been getting what of her affairs of hers in order as we can. She is understandably devastated. One question I have is should we take our daughters with us when she finally surrenders herself or should we leave them with a family member and it just be me and her?


Was this a plea bargain or was it her original sentence.If it was a plea bargain,depending on her previous record she may not qualify for much in the way of early release.If it was her original sentence as long as she behaves herself,with her medical condition being taken into consideration she may get up to fifty percent of her sentence as parole.
It is very important for you and your lawyer to make your wife understand that parole is not a pardon.If she screws up while on early release,even a dui,she could be made serve her original sentence as well as any extra time for the new offence.
Have your lawyer really push her medical condition,suggest everything including home arrest.Prison is not a safe place for anyone,especially someone with health issues.


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

My uncle was given a short term jail sentence after a second DWI. He was also driving without a license or insurance. Although in his case even though he caused an accident no one was hurt just vehicular and property damage. He was given 90 days in county jail and 5 years probation plus permanent loss of his license. He would have gotten a longer sentence but it was mitigated due to the fact that he suffered from severe rheumatoid arthritis and lupus and some days he couldn't get around without a wheelchair. The judge actually said that he didn't want taxpayer dollars paying for his medical issues any more than they already did through SSD.

I think you really need to get your girls into counseling. If the oldest is 14, then if your wife serves her full sentence your daughter will probably be out of the family home by then. It would be sad if she decided to cut her mother out of her life completely.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

uhtred said:


> I am very sorry. Its one of the things many people miss is that prison punishes more than just the guilty party.
> 
> I wish I knew how to make things better.


Prison isn't punishing her kids and husband, prison is a direct response to her actions. The one at fault and responsible for their pain is only her, not those punishing her. I feel bad for OP, but I want people with multiple DUI's to go to prison. They are a danger to society.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Prison isn't intentionally punishing her kids and husband but it is. Ultimately it is her fault, but innocents are suffering both from her actions AND from her punishment. 

Not that I have a better idea. 




sokillme said:


> Prison isn't punishing her kids and husband, prison is a direct response to her actions. The one at fault and responsible for their pain is only her, not those punishing her. I feel bad for OP, but I want people with multiple DUI's to go to prison. They are a danger to society.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

This will be difficult for both of you and for your children. I am sure you have discussed this with her, but you need to talk about what will be permissible for both of you during this time. It's not reasonable to assume that either of you will remain monogamous for 3-6 years while she is incarcerated. It's a simple reality that people cannot live without physical and emotional bonding for so many years. No matter what you think now, she and you will both change in those years. You should talk about this in great detail. 

I am speaking from second person experience here. I have a cousin who had a very similar experience to your wife. She served 2 years. During that time she and he both had "partners". They did stay married afterwards but it wasn't easy. Her affairs were temporary, but he truly loved his new partner. In the end, there was a lot of tears shed on both sides. 

The odd thing though is how much prison changed her. I don't like being around her anymore. She has such a jaded view of EVERYTHING. So negative. Oh, and she did conquer her alcoholism. Won't even touch the stuff now. 

I wish you much luck. You and your kids will suffer, but you will get into a routine and it will get somewhat easier with time. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## nightfly (Jan 29, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Was this a plea bargain or was it her original sentence.If it was a plea bargain,depending on her previous record she may not qualify for much in the way of early release.If it was her original sentence as long as she behaves herself,with her medical condition being taken into consideration she may get up to fifty percent of her sentence as parole.
> It is very important for you and your lawyer to make your wife understand that parole is not a pardon.If she screws up while on early release,even a dui,she could be made serve her original sentence as well as any extra time for the new offence.
> Have your lawyer really push her medical condition,suggest everything including home arrest.Prison is not a safe place for anyone,especially someone with health issues.


Oh..Yes, it was a plea deal. She was originally going to have a longer sentence. The person she hit was a single mom of two children of her own who looks to be permanently stuck in a wheel chair, and her two children were in the vehicle as well. Fortunately by the grace of god other than some bumps and bruises neither of the kids were really hurt. The judge that presided over her case had some harsh words and I think she wanted to set an example. We got a plea deal, but not an expert on law I never knew that.


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## nightfly (Jan 29, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> It is very important to know which correctional facility your wife is going to be held in.You haven't said where you live so I can't begin to guess where she will be held.The healthcare varies widely between facilities.Also how severe is her endometriosis,is she incontinent at this time,is she able to sleep,does she get migraines,is she constipated or does she suffer diarrohea,these are questions which should be brought up pre sentencing or at the very least before she is designated a facility.With a good enough lawyer she may be able to get immediate parole if healthcare at her prison is not deemed suitable for someone in her condition.While not telling you or her to lie,exaggerating her symptoms may help her in her situation.


For healthcare, we did inquire a bit and was told that she will get adequate care and there will be a prison OBGYN. How true that is in reality I am not sure. She was quite recently diagnosed with it but it's a case where some days are better than others. Some days she can get around fine, other days just getting out of bed can be a pain and sorry if TMI but she can bleed a lot and go through one of her pads in 45 minutes to an hour. Due to a medical issue she can't use tampons/cups etc. which I know really sucks for her.


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## nightfly (Jan 29, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I feel for you and your daughters, you are the innocent victims here. As for your wife, she could have killed this person, maybe they will be disabled or have long term health issues because of it, what she did is so serious. if they had died she would be in jail for many many more years.
> Hopefully this will be a massive wake up call for the terrible damage drink does and how is affects people, and of course she wont be able to drink for that time in jail, so that may be a good thing as well.
> 
> Let your daughters feel what they feel. I can understand the older one being angry, what her mum did was selfish and stupid. She caused them to have to be without their mum for at least 3 years, and that's hard for them(and you).


What also affects us is now with my wife no longer bringing in income things will be really tight. We depended on her income for a lot of things. Obviously I will sell her car and other things to help ease the burden. 

Yes, the older one is very angry and has said some mean things to her.


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## nightfly (Jan 29, 2017)

TX-SC said:


> This will be difficult for both of you and for your children. I am sure you have discussed this with her, but you need to talk about what will be permissible for both of you during this time. It's not reasonable to assume that either of you will remain monogamous for 3-6 years while she is incarcerated. It's a simple reality that people cannot live without physical and emotional bonding for so many years. No matter what you think now, she and you will both change in those years. You should talk about this in great detail.
> 
> I am speaking from second person experience here. I have a cousin who had a very similar experience to your wife. She served 2 years. During that time she and he both had "partners". They did stay married afterwards but it wasn't easy. Her affairs were temporary, but he truly loved his new partner. In the end, there was a lot of tears shed on both sides.
> 
> ...


You bring up a point we have discussed. We have had a pretty good life together as far as that is concerned, and while I realize it's not that high on issues we came to an agreement that if in time the lack of intimacy really ends up getting to me, I can find a temporary partner, not one that I would really "date" or of course bring around the children of course. 

We never discussed about her because being in a woman's prison what men would she be intimate with?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

nightfly said:


> You bring up a point we have discussed. We have had a pretty good life together as far as that is concerned, and while I realize it's not that high on issues we came to an agreement that if in time the lack of intimacy really ends up getting to me, I can find a temporary partner, not one that I would really "date" or of course bring around the children of course.
> 
> We never discussed about her because being in a woman's prison what men would she be intimate with?


It's not only men that she can have a relationship with.Do you want me to spell it out.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

nightfly said:


> You bring up a point we have discussed. We have had a pretty good life together as far as that is concerned, and while I realize it's not that high on issues we came to an agreement that if in time the lack of intimacy really ends up getting to me, I can find a temporary partner, not one that I would really "date" or of course bring around the children of course.
> 
> We never discussed about her because being in a woman's prison what men would she be intimate with?


Studies I have seen indicate that as much as 90 percent of women in prison develop a relationship with another inmate. Even though she may not be bi or lesbian, and many are not, these relationships are very common. Some only for protection and others due to sheer loneliness. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

nightfly said:


> Oh..Yes, it was a plea deal. She was originally going to have a longer sentence. The person she hit was a single mom of two children of her own who looks to be permanently stuck in a wheel chair, and her two children were in the vehicle as well. Fortunately by the grace of god other than some bumps and bruises neither of the kids were really hurt. The judge that presided over her case had some harsh words and I think she wanted to set an example. We got a plea deal, but not an expert on law I never knew that.


You certainly did get a plea deal,the judge was very lenient in fact.With the emphasis these days on cost to the taxpayers,the woman your wife injured is going to have massive medical bills,probably for the rest of her life and maybe at taxpayers expense.If the judge had brought that into consideration your wife could have been looking at a lot longer in jail.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

TX-SC said:


> Studies I have seen indicate that as much as 90 percent of women in prison develop a relationship with another inmate. Even though she may not be bi or lesbian, and many are not, these relationships are very common. Some only for protection and others due to sheer loneliness.
> 
> Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


Please do not take this as me being flippant.You wife is probably going away for between four and five years and she is vulnerable health wise.She,depending on which facility she ends up in may NEED to form a relationship with another woman for safety reasons.Do not be surprised if her appearance changes drastically,e.g. tattoos,buzz cut,even her way of speaking may change.Be prepared for this.


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> You certainly did get a plea deal,the judge was very lenient in fact.With the emphasis these days on cost to the taxpayers,the woman your wife injured is going to have massive medical bills,probably for the rest of her life and maybe at taxpayers expense.If the judge had brought that into consideration your wife could have been looking at a lot longer in jail.


You should also be prepared for the possibility of a civil suit for damages, which could theoretically cost you everything you own. Our neighbor's 17 year old son killed himself and two other people driving under the influence of drugs 3 years ago and by the time the lawsuits were over the parents had lost everything and they are still paying off the balance due on the settlement which was in the millions.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I would suggest you visit a forum called "Sober Recovery." There is a board/group on there called "Friends and Family of Alcoholics." Those folks have a tremendous amount of experience living and dealing with the alcoholics in their lives.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

nightfly said:


> For healthcare, we did inquire a bit and was told that she will get adequate care and there will be a prison OBGYN. How true that is in reality I am not sure. She was quite recently diagnosed with it but it's a case where some days are better than others. Some days she can get around fine, other days just getting out of bed can be a pain and sorry if TMI but she can bleed a lot and go through one of her pads in 45 minutes to an hour. Due to a medical issue she can't use tampons/cups etc. which I know really sucks for her.


Once again I am not telling you or your wife to lie but in life we play the cards we are dealt and this may be your only ace.She needs to use her health problems as much as she can to get out of actual jail time.Even time spent handcuffed to a hospital bed is safer than most prisons.You and your lawyer need to really push the house arrest idea and she needs to show remorse by attending addiction workshops and AA meetings.You can also play the sympathy card with your daughters missing/needing their mom.I normally don't have much sympathy for drunk drivers but your wife seemed to be under a lot of stress at this time.
A good friend of mine is an addiction counsellor,working voluntarily with a homeless charity and I sometimes accompanied her to some of the more dangerous areas and housing projects purely as a precautionary move.I heard some terrible stories about prisons and what can happen to people when incarcerated and I am of the belief that everyone deserves the chance to make restitution for their crimes,however I'm not sure jail time is always the answer.But while I think people deserve a second chance if she screws up again then she will be going away for a long time.


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## nightfly (Jan 29, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Once again I am not telling you or your wife to lie but in life we play the cards we are dealt and this may be your only ace.She needs to use her health problems as much as she can to get out of actual jail time.Even time spent handcuffed to a hospital bed is safer than most prisons.You and your lawyer need to really push the house arrest idea and she needs to show remorse by attending addiction workshops and AA meetings.You can also play the sympathy card with your daughters missing/needing their mom.I normally don't have much sympathy for drunk drivers but your wife seemed to be under a lot of stress at this time.
> A good friend of mine is an addiction counsellor,working voluntarily with a homeless charity and I sometimes accompanied her to some of the more dangerous areas and housing projects purely as a precautionary move.I heard some terrible stories about prisons and what can happen to people when incarcerated and I am of the belief that everyone deserves the chance to make restitution for their crimes,however I'm not sure jail time is always the answer.But while I think people deserve a second chance if she screws up again then she will be going away for a long time.


That all sounds great, but it's already to late for any of that; her attorney said as much. There's no getting around any of this for her.

I should add that her prison is a 3 hour drive away, very remote and out of the way. I know she'll be bused to the prison, unfortunately she has a hard time with long trips. Two weeks ago we took a small trip that was about 4 hours to see her parents and a few other relatives before she goes and due to her endometriosis we were making frequent stops as she needed to use the restroom a lot, even brought a box of feminine pads she went through over the time we were there for a few days.

Also, I am going to give her a nice night out where she can dress up and all of that. She is one that really likes to get dressed up and go out, and seeing as she won't have anything like that for awhile it's important to her she gets to one last time.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

nightfly said:


> That all sounds great, but it's already to late for any of that; her attorney said as much. There's no getting around any of this for her.
> 
> I should add that her prison is a 3 hour drive away, very remote and out of the way. I know she'll be bused to the prison, unfortunately she has a hard time with long trips. Two weeks ago we took a small trip that was about 4 hours to see her parents and a few other relatives before she goes and due to her endometriosis we were making frequent stops as she needed to use the restroom a lot, even brought a box of feminine pads she went through over the time we were there for a few days.
> 
> Also, I am going to give her a nice night out where she can dress up and all of that. She is one that really likes to get dressed up and go out, and seeing as she won't have anything like that for awhile it's important to her she gets to one last time.


Until your wife walks in the prison gate it's not too late.What law says a woman who is in hospital has to be removed to prison,and why has she to be bused,if she is voluntarily surrendering then can you not deliver her to the prison yourself.If legal expenses are proving a problem,look into firms who take cases on pro bono,most big legal firms do this a couple of times a year and if you emphasise her health problems it will help.I may be wrong with delivering her to the prison but it's worth checking out.


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## Angelone (Jan 16, 2017)

nightfly said:


> That all sounds great, but it's already to late for any of that; her attorney said as much. There's no getting around any of this for her.
> 
> I should add that her prison is a 3 hour drive away, very remote and out of the way. I know she'll be bused to the prison, unfortunately she has a hard time with long trips. Two weeks ago we took a small trip that was about 4 hours to see her parents and a few other relatives before she goes and due to her endometriosis we were making frequent stops as she needed to use the restroom a lot, even brought a box of feminine pads she went through over the time we were there for a few days.
> 
> Also, I am going to give her a nice night out where she can dress up and all of that. She is one that really likes to get dressed up and go out, and seeing as she won't have anything like that for awhile it's important to her she gets to one last time.


That sucks for your wife. Unfortunately, the prison bus isn't going to be making any pit stops for your wife, no matter how much she needs to go or change her pad, truly awful for her all around. Also, she will be chained to the seat.

Once she gets to the prison hopefully she will get some help, even then from what I heard she could still be waiting to get fully processed. It's going to be a nightmare for her for sure.

At least you are taking your wife out for a nice time. She won't have access to any pretty clothes, underwear, jewelry or the like so make sure she gets to enjoy this.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

My brother has been in and out of prisons his whole life, all due to crimes he commits in search of his next high. He's also bi-polar and diabetic and needs regular medication. 

His latest stint required a lot of cage rattling by his attorney to make sure he gets the treatment and medication he is entitled to.

Make sure once your wife is out of prison, she gets into a treatment and addition program ASAP. My brother gets out of prison is sober, insists he is well, blows off any treatment, and then 6,12,18 months later falls off the wagon. 

Per your attorney are you liable for any civil damages? 

Awful situation, hope things work out for you and your kids. Please keep an eye on your daughters. Addiction can run in the family.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Sorry to hear about this. But you need to protect yourself and your kids. You also need to consider that she may not be employable ever again. My cousin got a DUI (no accident, no jail, first time) several years ago and still has a hard time.

You need to consider that if something happens in prison involving her you might be on the hook for more than you already are.

Were I in your shoes, I would consider divorce as a way to protect yourself financially. You can support your wife without being liable for any further poor choices she makes.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

I feel sorry for the person that was hit. 

I have near ZERO sympathy for drunks who drive. Ruin so many peoples lives. All I ever hear are excuses.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Middle of Everything said:


> I feel sorry for the person that was hit.
> 
> I have near ZERO sympathy for drunks who drive. Ruin so many peoples lives. All I ever hear are excuses.


You are entitled to your opinion,but this is a help forum and the op is asking for advice.Vent somewhere else if that's what you need to do.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

DTO said:


> Sorry to hear about this. But you need to protect yourself and your kids. You also need to consider that she may not be employable ever again. My cousin got a DUI (no accident, no jail, first time) several years ago and still has a hard time.
> 
> You need to consider that if something happens in prison involving her you might be on the hook for more than you already are.
> 
> Were I in your shoes, I would consider divorce as a way to protect yourself financially. You can support your wife without being liable for any further poor choices she makes.


Divorcing is a good idea financially speaking but it would be a mistake unless you really want to get out of the marriage and by the sound of things you don't.If you divorce your wife while she is in prison then of course you will get full custody of your kids plus the marital home if there is one.The problem with this scenario is when your wife applies for parole she has no loving husband waiting to take her home,she will have to be found some sort of accommodation and a job.The authorities will just as soon leave her to serve her full term rather than have that hassle.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

This sucks. I have had 1 family member go to prison for 5 years. What he's told me:

1. Mail- letters makes a HUGE difference. It's easy to feel forgotten when you are there
2. Make an agreement about phone calls...they are EXPENSIVE...make it a monthly thing + holidays, birthdays, etc.
3. Put money in her Commissary...The little things she can get there will help her feel human.
4. She's gonna end up with a gang affiliation. She is going to have to do "work". Don't judge her for it...She has to stay alive.
5. Write Letters
6. Write Letters
7. Write Letters

Stay Strong. She WILL be different when she gets out. Focus on your girls..They need you now more than they ever have before.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> You are entitled to your opinion,but this is a help forum and the op is asking for advice.Vent somewhere else if that's what you need to do.


Then my advice would be for OP to teach his kids the dangers of drug abuse.

We as a country have a much to lax attitude when it comes to drinking and driving. 

Best of luck to OP and his daughters.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

OP, I am sorry you are going through this.

First, make sure you are getting support. Go to this site: Prison Talk - Prisoner Family Support, Information & Assistance Community

There is nothing these people haven't been through and can't help you with. There is also a lot of state and federal prison-specific information on this site.

YOU need to have support. Without that, you can't help your daughters. Or you.

Frankly, you are not responsible for how your daughters react to their mom. It sounds like they have very age-appropriate and situational-appropriate responses. It's up to your wife to fix what she has broken with your daughters.

Your wife may get out earlier than her release date, but either way, her daughters will be grown. So that damage has already been done.

Whatever you do... get help for YOU. Okay?



Andy1001 said:


> Once again I am not telling you or your wife to lie but in life we play the cards we are dealt and this may be your only ace.She needs to use her health problems as much as she can to get out of actual jail time.Even time spent handcuffed to a hospital bed is safer than most prisons.You and your lawyer need to really push the house arrest idea and she needs to show remorse by attending addiction workshops and AA meetings.You can also play the sympathy card with your daughters missing/needing their mom.I normally don't have much sympathy for drunk drivers but your wife seemed to be under a lot of stress at this time.
> A good friend of mine is an addiction counsellor,working voluntarily with a homeless charity and I sometimes accompanied her to some of the more dangerous areas and housing projects purely as a precautionary move.I heard some terrible stories about prisons and what can happen to people when incarcerated and I am of the belief that everyone deserves the chance to make restitution for their crimes,however I'm not sure jail time is always the answer.But while I think people deserve a second chance if she screws up again then she will be going away for a long time.


Not sure where you are getting your information. I'm a physician (if I remember correctly, you are too?) and have done work in several east coast state prisons over the years. Ain't nobody going to give her any breaks for her endometriosis, no matter how many pads she fills an hour or how bad her cramps are, sorry to say. She won't be in a hospital just due to family members complaining.

As an example - we have tried, mostly in vain, to implement quality programs for chronic disease treatment in state prisons. In particular, T2 diabetes is rampant among state prison inmates, and the diet largely consists of starch. It's almost impossible to do any dietary interventions for T2 diabetes, which as you know is the first and main treatment approach. The most we can do is try to give incentives for inmates to purchase tuna or other proteins in the commissary to supplement all the carbs. And it's tough to do that, because no one wants to spend their cherished commissary money on bagged fish, especially given the fact that everything in the commissary is completely over-priced compared to the outside world. And then there is the problem of lack of quality and continuity of care in terms of target A1C levels, etc. The outcomes are poor. I could agree - in the big picture, no one really cares.

Just wanted to give my perspective on this. No one is going to give her any healthcare breaks; frankly, that is true even if she is much more chronically ill than she is. This is just false hope and misinformation based on my experience.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Hope Shimmers said:


> OP, I am sorry you are going through this.
> 
> First, make sure you are getting support. Go to this site: Prison Talk - Prisoner Family Support, Information & Assistance Community
> 
> ...


I'm not a physician,I don't know where you got that impression.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

Andy1001 said:


> I'm not a physician,I don't know where you got that impression.


Sorry, I don't know either. Age and senility probably :scratchhead:

Anyway, my point was that unless someone is literally about on their deathbed, they don't get admitted to a hospital. Actually I'm not even sure why the topic of hospitalizations came up or had to do with anything.

OP please check out that site. It provides good info but more importantly will offer you connections to others who are going through what you are.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

nightfly said:


> You bring up a point we have discussed. We have had a pretty good life together as far as that is concerned, and while I realize it's not that high on issues we came to an agreement that if in time the lack of intimacy really ends up getting to me, I can find a temporary partner, not one that I would really "date" or of course bring around the children of course.
> 
> We never discussed about her because being in a woman's prison what men would she be intimate with?


She would be okay with you banging some side piece while she's in prison?!? 

Whose idea was this for a hall pass? What are you wasting your time for then?

Dude just divorce her and find some wife material, what kind of a relationship is this?


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> She would be okay with you banging some side piece while she's in prison?!?
> 
> Whose idea was this for a hall pass? What are you wasting your time for then?
> 
> Dude just divorce her and find some wife material, what kind of a relationship is this?


Although I understand what you are saying, I think you underestimate the implications of being alone for six years. Some people find it difficult for even 6 months or a year, but six years is a totally different ballgame. 

The reality is that she too will likely enter into a relationship of sorts while in prison. Due to the need for support, safety, and yes even emotional/physical attention, she will need to have a bond with other inmates. It is possible to get through without those bonds, but her life will be easier with the support. These other inmates will be her family for a long time. 

In my estimation, it's not realistic to expect them both to be monogamous during a 6 year absence. That's why it is extremely important that they work this out now, rather than later. 

Honestly, as much as I hate to say it, this incarceration will probably lead to divorce. Your wife will change significantly while in prison. From her ways of seeing the world, to her language and mannerisms, to even the way she looks. It'll all change. You too will change during this time. Lastly, I don't believe in the old "absence makes the heart grow fonder" BS. It might over short periods, but with no real interaction between you and your wife, it will be impossible to maintain the same level of love for six years. Those around her (inmates) will have to fill that role. 

What will likely happen is that somewhere along the line, the OP will move on without his wife. If they make it through the six years, they will find it difficult to rebuild what has been lost. His wife will be so different from the woman she is now. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

TX-SC said:


> In my estimation, it's not realistic to expect them both to be monogamous during a 6 year absence.


We will have to agree to disagree. 

I'd of divorced her for almost killing someone because of her stupid selfishness.

But that's another point entirely. To this point, if he's going to sleep around anyway, why stay married?


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> We will have to agree to disagree.
> 
> I'd of divorced her for almost killing someone because of her stupid selfishness.
> 
> But that's another point entirely. To this point, if he's going to sleep around anyway, why stay married?


To the first point, I think he sees her alcoholism as a disease that needs to be controlled. Yes, she did a horrible thing, but I don't doubt he loves her. Plus, she is the mother of his kids. I can understand the desire to help her and work through this. 

As to why not divorce, again, he loves her and she loves him. That may change after a while apart, but for now he is sticking by her through this. I would certainly do so with my wife. In the end it will probably not work out, but I certainly don't blame him for trying. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

TX-SC said:


> To the first point, I think he sees her alcoholism as a disease that needs to be controlled. Yes, she did a horrible thing, but I don't doubt he loves her.


I've been sh!t faced drunk hundreds of times. Its never made me do anything, I ever wouldn't consider doing sober. 

It's simply lowers your inhibitions not alters your personality. So if she's that reckless, then to her core she's an utterly selfish person. 

Alcohol or not.



TX-SC said:


> I would certainly do so with my wife. In the end it will probably not work out, but I certainly don't blame him for trying.


I don't think I would. Especially, if I can't wait six years to not have sex. It's not like masturbation is off the table too or something.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> I've been sh!t faced drunk hundreds of times. Its never made me do anything, I ever wouldn't consider doing sober.
> 
> It's simples lowers your inhibitions not alters your personality. So if she's that reckless, then to her core she's an utterly selfish person.
> 
> ...


He wants advice on how to help his wife. Not have her served with divorce papers whilst she is in prison.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> He wants advice on how to help his wife. Not have her served with divorce papers whilst she is in prison.


Now we are enablers at TAM? Or do we try to HELP people?

Look, that may be what he wants but in my opinion, it's not what's best for him at all.

He doesn't have to take my advice but I see no harm in presenting him with reasonable alternatives.

And after reading his story and how he wants to sleep around while she's in prison because he can't wait,

I consider divorce a reasonable alternative and frankly a very attractive one.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

nightfly said:


> Oh..Yes, it was a plea deal. She was originally going to have a longer sentence. The person she hit was a single mom of two children of her own who looks to be permanently stuck in a wheel chair, and her two children were in the vehicle as well. Fortunately by the grace of god other than some bumps and bruises neither of the kids were really hurt. The judge that presided over her case had some harsh words and I think she wanted to set an example. We got a plea deal, but not an expert on law I never knew that.


I'm sorry this happened to your family and that your wife made such a stupid decision to drive while drunk. I hate it for you and your kids, but I have NO sympathy for people that drive drunk. I recently lost 2 family members to a drunk driver. They were hit head on while driving home from church. It's sickening. The drunk that hit them is facing 2 charges of vehicular homicide, as well as other charges, and I hope he gets life without parole. Hopefully, your wife has learned a valuable lesson. I wish drunk drivers faced even harsher sentences for drunk driving. There just isn't any excuse for it. It's so tragic. Your wife will be out of prison in a few years, but your wife has given the poor woman she hit a life time sentence in a wheelchair, for what??


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> Now we are enablers at TAM? Or do we try to HELP people?
> 
> Look, that may be what he wants but in my opinion, it's not what's best for him at all.
> 
> ...


We are not enabling anyone.

Just offering our help to a member who has asked for support and advice during a particularly difficult time in his life and in the lives of his daughters.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm so glad to hear that you're willing to stick with her and be there for her when she gets out. It will be hard for your daughters to get through their teens without a mom at their side. You'll have to be really attentive to them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

nightfly said:


> First off, thanks for all the advice. To answer a few question: She has approximately 6 years 4 months, the person she hit will have life long disability even with physical therapy, we live in Oklahoma a state that's very strict on this kind of stuff. She will surrender herself this upcoming Friday. Also, in case some missed it, as I stated she has already had a DUI on her before this.
> 
> We have been getting what of her affairs of hers in order as we can. She is understandably devastated. One question I have is should we take our daughters with us when she finally surrenders herself or should we leave them with a family member and it just be me and her?


So she didn't learn a thing from her first offence and did it again. She could have killed the other lady and both of her children, there is no excuse ever. 
SHE is devastated? How about the lady who will be in a wheelchair for the rest of her life. Who nearly died.Who could have lost her children. 

I feel for you and the children, but she choose to risk causing a terrible accident, she chose to risk her family's future and her own life. I think she has got off lightly being that she wont serve more than half probably. 
I just hope she becomes teetotal now. If she doesn't she is mad.I also hope that they will ban her from driving for a few years after she comes out. 

Don't take the girls with you, she has hurt them enough already.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> We will have to agree to disagree.
> 
> I'd of divorced her for almost killing someone because of her stupid selfishness.
> 
> But that's another point entirely. To this point, if he's going to sleep around anyway, why stay married?


I agree, if you are not going to be faithful, then why stay married?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TX-SC said:


> This will be difficult for both of you and for your children. I am sure you have discussed this with her, but you need to talk about what will be permissible for both of you during this time. It's not reasonable to assume that either of you will remain monogamous for 3-6 years while she is incarcerated. It's a simple reality that people cannot live without physical and emotional bonding for so many years. No matter what you think now, she and you will both change in those years. You should talk about this in great detail.
> 
> I am speaking from second person experience here. I have a cousin who had a very similar experience to your wife. She served 2 years. During that time she and he both had "partners". They did stay married afterwards but it wasn't easy. Her affairs were temporary, but he truly loved his new partner. In the end, there was a lot of tears shed on both sides.
> 
> ...


Dont agree with this, if you are going to remain married, then being faithful is important.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

nightfly said:


> You bring up a point we have discussed. We have had a pretty good life together as far as that is concerned, and while I realize it's not that high on issues we came to an agreement that if in time the lack of intimacy really ends up getting to me, I can find a temporary partner, not one that I would really "date" or of course bring around the children of course.
> 
> We never discussed about her because being in a woman's prison what men would she be intimate with?


To me that sounds weird. If you were to have sex with someone, you cant guarantee that either you or she wouldn't fall for each other and that you wouldn't want her to meet your daughters eventually. Also the fact that you will use the OW just for sex seems very selfish.
If she serves 3 years then why not be faithful, even 6 years is what some people have to do. Otherwise why remain with her if you are going to cheat?

Have they told you how long she is likely to serve?


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## nightfly (Jan 29, 2017)

For all of those asking about the staying monogamous thing, I did have another talk with my wife and she said we will talk about it after she is in prison how we both feel about it. I promise it's hardly on my radar so please don't think the second she goes to prison I am going straight looking for another woman. Far as the kids go, we are just going to have a day/night before she goes as a family, but they are both going to stay with a family member on the day of. The older daughter just doesn't want to deal with her mother right now, and the younger one has said she doesn't want to see her mother handcuffed and the jail.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

nightfly said:


> For all of those asking about the staying monogamous thing, I did have another talk with my wife and *she said we will talk about it after she is in prison* how we both feel about it. *I promise it's hardly on my radar* so please don't think the second she goes to prison I am going straight looking for another woman. Far as the kids go, we are just going to have a day/night before she goes as a family, but they are both going to stay with a family member on the day of. The older daughter just doesn't want to deal with her mother right now, and the younger one has said she doesn't want to see her mother handcuffed and the jail.


I promise...if you do start a sexual relationship with another woman while your wife is in Jail....Your wife will go completely ape**** inside, probably get herself into trouble....Your daughters will be taught a HUGE lesson in Honor and Fidelity..not a good lesson


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Nightfly,

Sorry for this horrible turn of events.

How do you intend to deal with your W if she cheats with another woman in prison. 

Would you divorce?

Tamat


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Nightfly, once again: SOBER RECOVERY FORUMS, "Friends and Family of Alcoholics."

I can't imagine that you have no feelings of anger or resentment towards your wife. If you don't, then you're the first one I've ever met who didn't. Your wife permanently disabled an innocent person. Your children are going to have - if they don't already - serious issues dealing with this. 

People here can give you perspective from dealing with spousal issues. But addiction issues and how to deal? Sober Recovery is the place. I was married to an alcoholic. He frequently drove drunk, was jailed multiple times, and ended up with an interlock device on his truck. Thank heavens he never hurt another person. He did incur property damage. Back in October 2007, he jumped a curb and just missed hitting a group of school children waiting for the bus. He left the scene. The police followed his busted tire track to our home.

Anyone who gets behind the wheel of a vehicle impaired has to suffer the consequences of their actions. I'm sorry to come across as harsh, but I've witnessed first hand what happens when these type of drivers are let loose on the roads.

AGAIN, GO TO SOBER RECOVERY. You will find people who are working a strong program of recovery in Al-anon and A.A. You and your children need recovery. Trust me, I speak the truth as one who walked many a mile in similar situations. Seriously.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Nightfly what kind of prison is she going to? Minimum, medium, maximum security? 

Are congical visits allowed?

I know it's not on your radar - but try to take the high road with her in there. What she does, she does. 

My brother doesn't talk about his experiences. And perhaps he downplays it for my and the family's sake. While sexual relationships and rape are not uncommon, for the most part everyone keeps to themselves. No he wasn't in a woman's facility. But what you see on TV isn't necessarily what goes on behind the walls.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Nightfly..... I feel for your situation. My field of study took me to many prisons. She may get 20%

of the sentence knocked off for good behavior. My xBiL did nine years in a minimum.

You could actually walk off the grounds, if you wanted to. Course they would send him back to 

Atlanta.... where the rats are the size of medium size dogs. While she is there.....

write letters (doesn't sound like much but this will be the "high point" of their week), send $ for 

phone calls (they are $$) and necessities (she will work while there but may be paid 25 cents an hour),

try to visit as much as possible (encourage the girls but don't force it), by doing this....

the guards will realize she is being separated from a loving family..... not someone with

no relatives and a rap sheet covering 15 pages. Guards are not judges but.... they can be their 

friend while there. If she is educated, she can teach others to get their GED.... teach others how to read,

fill out an application, a resume, a cover letter. That kind of stuff looks very good when she goes 

up for her first parole hearing, if she will even get one. But her time there will change her.

I knew my xBiL for.... nine years... we would talk often, about life, economy, his time in Germany (military),

women, etc. After his nine years in minimum security... he is very secluded, skeptical, always jumpy / nervy, 

negative. He will never be the person he was in 2006. Keep a close eye on your girls.....

Do you have a relative (female) who can be a stand-in mom? That will be very important.

Talk with the superintendent / director of schools in your area. Explain what happened,

and see if they have school psychologists locally who have prior experience in dealing with 

daughters with a mother who is incarcerated. I know this seems cold but your main focus 

should be on your girls. Remember.... girls grow up and marry men who were like their father.

A strong, loyal, fierce father..... will have daughters who marry the same type of man.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Unless your wife is going to a minimum security or open prison which is doubtful especially for the first few months you have to be prepared for certain changes in her demeanour and appearance.She will have to affiliate herself with some gang just to survive.If she is educated she may help some prisoners with learning to read and write but even just reading a letter to someone who can't read will earn her some little respect It is for safety that people join up with gangs in prison because a lone prisoner is just seen as an easy target.Her personal belongings will be taken off her before she enters but she will be allowed certain items and even some personal momentous e.g. Photographs of family members,other prisoners will try to steal them just to piss her off and also try to steal her purchases from the commissary.She will have to toughen up very quick and not be seen as weak or else her life will be hell.
Her appearance will change because new inmates in women's prisons are seen as targets for butch lesbians and long hair especially attracts them so if she has long hair now it would be advisable for her to cut it short.This is why so many women getting prison sentences seem to change their sexual orientation,you can't be seen as a trophy.Another thing to expect is a certain aggression in her manner of talking and this will be most obvious in telephone conversations,again you can't be seen as weak.Expect some tattoos also especially if she joins in with a gang as she will be expected to display gang affiliation publicly.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Andy's telling you exactly what will happen. If she is very intelligent, she can use that to her 

advantage. "Lipstick lesbians" are highly fought over in female prisons. The down side, the one

who gets the "LL" will -put her in her place- very often. Get a VAR and talk to her, get the girls 

IF they want to.... your voice will carry her through many many cold lonely nights.

I have always believed in congeal visits, it decreases prison violence and people being 

-taken by force- Maybe your state allows them after a certain amount of time.

I have seen many fights in my day.... but if I had to name a Top 3.... two would be 

female vs. female. They were F'ing brutal. She needs to be aware of this.


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

Hey Nightfly, 

I've been following your thread. How are you holding up? Your wife turned herself in yesterday, correct?


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## nightfly (Jan 29, 2017)

Hey everyone, just wanted to say she is now officially gone. The day of was pretty bad, had to get her up quite early and she was in a pretty bad mood, not feeling good at all. Said bye to our daughters went to eat and then took her to surrender herself. Really bad she was crying and upset at the same time, I told her we will see her and we will support her. Also getting counseling for everyone. Our oldest daughter still views her mother as a pariah, while our youngest just is depressed. I am just trying to wrap my whole head around everything. Worrying about my wife especially with her issues, then our daughters and me. 

One thing I would like some advice on is what to do with everything of hers. Such as all her clothes, makeup, jewelry etc.? I am not going to get rid of it of course, but at the same time she has all of this stranded in the closet, bathroom etc.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through, brother. 

If it were me, the day-to-day hygiene items and makeup would get boxed up and placed somewhere. I would leave her clothes, jewelry, Etc where they are, such as in the drawers and closet.

This is simply based on you wanting to try and maintain the relationship while she is is gone. While she may never know,. I believe this will be a reminder to you that even though she may not be present, you still do have a wife.

I don't have to tell you how hard this is going to be on you and your kids. I pray for you, and wish you the best.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry that you and the kids have to bear the burden of your wife's alcoholism. However, there may be a light at the end of the tunnel and it may be the turning point for her with what she has done. Would it be possible for her to join some sort of programme to beat the alcoholism while she is in prison? She may have reached her bottom and decide to sober up.

I guess you have all been through a lot with her alcoholism and it will be an opportunity for you all to have some normalcy in your lives with her not physically there. I would suggest you go to Al Anon and get the kids to go to Al Ateen, this will help you all to work through the issues and have a support network. Even while writing your opening post, you still minimize the impact of what her drinking has done to you all, which is evidence that you need this kind of help. You sound co-dependent. You may need IC for yourself. Please read Co-dependent no more by Malorie Beattie.

Do you have any family near you? I would also suggest that you let your wife deal with her own situation. Helping an alcoholic is enabling them, it is time she faced the consequences of her actions. This is what is happening now. I have adenomyosis and like endometriosis it is not life threatening just uncomfortable, her alcoholism is a much more serious health issue. That may sound harsh, but until an alcoholic reaches rock bottom there is nothing you can do, except damage control. Look at this positively, it is a time for you and your girls to work on you and get your lives back.

Keep posting.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Take pictures of normal things around your house and and mail them with your hand-written letters... they mean so much to one away and are a reminder that this will end one day and that better things come with each passing moment.

As long as your heart is there for her, provide that which keep her focused on how she will pick herself up again... she will need hope to get her through today's disappointments.

You can make a difference every day if you choose... a lesson in forgiveness for your children to witness in strength from their father as without inner peace, outer peace is impossible... may you be there for them all to show how this is done.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

nightfly said:


> Hey everyone, just wanted to say she is now officially gone. The day of was pretty bad, had to get her up quite early and she was in a pretty bad mood, not feeling good at all. Said bye to our daughters went to eat and then took her to surrender herself. Really bad she was crying and upset at the same time, I told her we will see her and we will support her. Also getting counseling for everyone. Our oldest daughter still views her mother as a pariah, while our youngest just is depressed. I am just trying to wrap my whole head around everything. Worrying about my wife especially with her issues, then our daughters and me.
> 
> One thing I would like some advice on is what to do with everything of hers. Such as all her clothes, makeup, jewelry etc.? I am not going to get rid of it of course, but at the same time she has all of this stranded in the closet, bathroom etc.


Pack up her stuff from the bathroom and put it all away in her closet. Dont think you should pack her clothes away, she hasn't died.

About your oldest daughter, were there issues with her mum before this? Maybe because of the drinking? 

Did they tell you if she will be able to have time knocked off for good behaviour?


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I know it must be incredibly hard on all of you right now. Thinking of your wife being scared and going through this must be especially difficult. Please keep us posted on how your family gets through this and feel free to vent or ask questions as you need. 

As for her stuff, I suspect I would leave it in place unless you absolutely need the space. Bathroom stuff, I'd let your daughters use it if they need it, and if not, box it up or throw the disposable stuff away (shampoo and conditioner may not last very well for so long). 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

aine said:


> I would suggest you go to Al Anon and get the kids to go to Al Ateen, this will help you all to work through the issues and have a support network. Even while writing your opening post, you still minimize the impact of what her drinking has done to you all, which is evidence that you need this kind of help. You sound co-dependent. You may need IC for yourself. Please read Co-dependent no more by Malorie Beattie.


:iagree:

Here is the basic issue, nightfly. You are having a major issue with denial. YOU ARE BEING IMPACTED BY AN ALCOHOLIC. Forget worrying about her clothes and other items for now. Look at your kids - they are having a meltdown as a result of your wife's drinking.

I'm sorry, but you have your head buried in the sand so deeply, I doubt you even understand what aine and I have suggested. And I'm going to put it right out there: You were considering taking your wife out to dinner the night before she went to prison so you could give her something nice to remember prior to her incarceration. WTF?????? This woman got behind the wheel of a car and almost killed someone.

She has left a woman permanently disabled, she has left her own children without a mother, and she has left you without a wife. And you are here talking about how to work out any sexual deprivation you may suffer while she is gone???? 

Okay. Keep your head in the sand. Those of you responding who have no idea what it is like to live with an alcoholic who drives drunk might think you are giving this poor soul advice, but you don't know squat.

He is not only in major denial, my guess is he is a big time enabler and rabidly codependent. So let's all avoid the crux of the matter and tell him some baloney. 

You want to know how to deal? You get into Al-Anon. You get your children into Al-Ateen. And you learn to deal with your own feelings/emotions. To heck with trying to figure out if someone should have sex whenever. Jeesh!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Here is the basic issue, nightfly. You are having a major issue with denial. YOU ARE BEING IMPACTED BY AN ALCOHOLIC. Forget worrying about her clothes and other items for now. Look at your kids - they are having a meltdown as a result of your wife's drinking.
> 
> ...



Like you said Prodigal, one has to live with an alcoholic to know the crazy making and one has to also come to a point where one stops enabling the alcoholic and allows them to feel the consequences of their behaviour. In the Al Anon book it says

_Recovery is a process. It takes time to regain, reclaim and recoup all that was lost while we tried on our own to cope with active drinking. Building trust takes time, change takes time, healing old wounds takes time, there are no immediate ready made solutions._

I agree with you that OP is not facing the real issue which is his wife's alcoholism and the damage it has done to himself and the kids. To my mind that is why I said it is good to get her out of the picture as they all need help.

OP, I would suggest you join the SoberRecovery.com group as it will help you see what you are in the middle of. Now is the time to help your kids.


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## DualvansMommy (Jul 27, 2014)

Not to pile on you, OP after the last two strong worded messages. You needed to read that, IMO. I'm a child of alcoholism; grew up with a mother who struggled with her sobriety all of my childhood. 

You are minimizing and deflecting the important issue, I did that growing up. It was how I survived, but it isn't healthy nor best way to go about it. You have your daughters to think of, and IMO you need to behave/act the seriousness of your wife's decision towards your daughters. It's the only way your daughters can recover and begin to process the deep impact their mother did to their lives. 

You may not intent to come across as unfeeling or nonchalant over your wife's actions. But that's how I'm perceiving it as someone who doesn't know you at all. The fact your wife had a PREVIOUS DUI says it all for me, that should have been her rock bottom! My uncle had a dui and he immediately quit afterwards, cuz he didn't want the next one to seriously injure or kill people. Your wife's event didn't even happen to ME, yet it's all I can think about in regards to the poor victim and her two children. From what I understand with your posting, the victim was a SINGLE mother, if so her life is forever changed in everything. Especially in regards to finances, as I imagine her employment situation is very limited. That is what your wife did. Think on it long and hard, and imo the time apart from your wife will do yourself good. You need to get in counseling and for your daughters as well. It's time to think and reflect how you as a husband arrived where you are; worrying about your wife's health when she brought it all on herself, and your sex life. I'm a bit flabbergasted here. 

As far the personal effects. Throw it all out. Sounds harsh, yes but it is one of the first steps you need to repair your mindset that all is well now. It isn't, and won't be for long time. Box up all her clothes in storage boxes and store up in attic if you have the space. Doing that process will bring it home to you over and over if the difficult spot your wife put you in. Also, seeing the empty spaces in the closet, etc will remind you over and over why you're a single father for the next few years. It'll also help you to become stronger emotionally with better clarity over the fact in worrying over your wife isn't the right way. Worrying over your daughters should be your focus, as unfortunately your wife is gone from her kids critical time in development. That cannot be changed or reversed. Sadly it's all on you to ensure minimal damage is done to your daughters self worth and esteem. 

I wouldn't go to a lot of trouble to make your wife's comfort the highest priority. Little contact is a good idea for the first month, as she needs to really think long and hard. The accident impacted SIX people directly with lifetime negative consequences. Prison isn't meant to be a hotel or camp. It is intended to be very minimal; provide a roof, bed, meals and that's it. Your wife needs to be uncomfortable daily, to remember WHY she is in there first place. I know I sound very harsh, but it's in the hopes of waking you up a little bit. It isn't like I know nothing about the effects of alcoholism or prison does to a person. I'm a social worker for a living, and have gone to few state run prisons for my patients. 

I do hope you can lean on this board and numerous other support. You'll need it and don't think it's all on you to handle it alone. You were massively affected by this accident and life as a single parent now. 

One last comment; your wife mentality and behavior yesterday isn't too surprising to me. Your wife still doesn't get it. It's still all about her, something that wil change rather quickly as prison doesn't let anyone who wants to be all about themselves. Best of luck to you. Take today to cry and grieve over what could have been for you, your marriage and life. It won't be the same at all again; wife, marriage and the life you knew before this week. Even when your wife gets out, there's no knowing what your new normal would be like for yourself, marriage and wife. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @nightfly ~ I just had you and your daughters on my mind and was wondering how things were going, and that my prayers are still going out for you!

Please keep posting and keep all of us here at TAM timely informed! Hang in there, brother! We're all pulling for you!*


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

Hey, nightfly, how are you holding up? Have you and the girls been to visit yet?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

nightfly said:


> I do plan to still support her of course and offer encouragement. .


Of course you do - your entire POST was* full of excuses for lowlife behavior *from a woman who who should have had her damned life together 20 years ago. Sorry, I have no pity for someone who can't even control herself like a damned ADULT and instead does what she does like some cheap thug. She deserves jail. 

Keep making excuses for her, OP. You're one of the biggest reasons your family is where you are at right now.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I think it is a foregone conclusion that the OP is fully aware of the carnage caused.

He comes here for support, full disclosure and... he is browbeat. Same reason many come here

and leave. The guy is doing the best he can in the given situation. He is worried about the kids.

Some who browbeat seem to never mention that. Odd.....


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Of course you do - your entire POST was* full of excuses for lowlife behavior *from a woman who who should have had her damned life together 20 years ago. Sorry, I have no pity for someone who can't even control herself like a damned ADULT and instead does what she does like some cheap thug. She deserves jail.
> 
> Keep making excuses for her, OP. You're one of the biggest reasons your family is where you are at right now.


Show some basic human decency. She is paying for her crimes and rightly so. Whether you have pity or not is not point of the thread. The man and his poor kids are not responsible for what she did and are suffering. Way to kick a man when he is down. Your anger reflects poorly on you.


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