# Moving back - separate bedroom for now?



## Ginevra (Nov 11, 2013)

I think we may try to reconcile and I may move back to our house five months after moving to an apartment. I think the biggest rift in our marriage was caused by losing our individual identities, which is pretty easy to do, and not even realize it, until it's like you no longer do anything for YOU anymore. In this time, I have learned much... and I believe he has. I have a new outlook and have made leaps and bounds personally. I understand a lot more about patience, and about being active and doing my own thing. I do NOT want to be single, and finally figured out how to balance marriage and personal life (with parenting). I see that he has made the same strides and I think this might be the first time I've really felt ready for us to get it together; felt that we really *can* do it and be happy. We love each other still, very much.
Anyway, we went as far as to file and get temporary orders; the kids are with me. They currently share a bedroom at the apartment. At the house, they had their own bedrooms. Son is 3, daughter is 7, and they love sharing a room and get along very well.
My idea is, if we go back, to let the kids share the bigger bedroom and set myself up with my own bed in the smaller bedroom. Temporarily, as the kids can't share a room for that much longer. I think they can share one for a little while during some intensive family recovery. The master bedroom would stay as-is, "his" room. I think we need to work on our marriage by working hard to remember to have our own spaces, lives and identities. I want to be able to get up in the morning and make coffee and not feel dependent upon him to join me, or worry about when he is doing what, at least not as much as I did. And vice versa. But not to the point of living separately and divorcing. I have been much happier doing things in the morning when I'm the only one up, and having solitude here and there, and my independence back. Just something about knowing there was another adult in the house used to make me feel obligated to involve that person in things I did around the house. He was the same... but we've learned otherwise. We need less codependence to keep our marriage intact. By no means do I want to stay single.
I know older people often have separate beds or even bedrooms, so perhaps it's a wisdom thing and sooner than later we can work on "absence makes the heart grow fonder."
Anyone see any problem with this? We can always sleep together and still be just as, if not MORE, intimate; but have our own areas. I think this would be a great help but want input!


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Absence does make the heart grow fonder (or farther away) but

why is there an absence in the first place?

I can see how a spouse can become unnerved by the other

but as a man, it is not a moral action to strike, appear to strike a woman

emotional abuse is more difficult to "define" but it many times

runs deeper than the physical aspect.

What was your H's childhood like? His parents? His siblings?

No spouse should ever live in fear of their partner

Sex is not as important when you grow older and been together 10-20 yrs

but it IS what holds it together

kind of like how eggs hold together cornbread

Before you move back in, there has to be boundaries set

and consequences if they are breached

I hate having to apologize but if the other person deserves it, I do

just like if I deserve one, I expect it....it is accountability

I am certain you are a wonderful mother but keep in mind

the kids absorb things like a sponge....they internalize everything they hear

everything is black or white to them, but at their age, it should

I recall listening to my parents argue, thinking "what's gonna happen to me"

Kids worry a lot more than adults realize.....how is their schoolwork? social interaction?

My dad emotionally (often) and physically (rare) abused my mom

When I reached a certain age I called him on it

things were not perfect afterwards but it did get better

had I carried that anger with me...I would have repeated the cycle

Gin.....your H must realize, he does not sit on a golden throne

it takes two to raise children and two incomes (good and bad points on that)

a M is a partnership, an agreement, a contract

both HAVE to be willing to give to get

if you remember anything....set boundaries and hold him 100% accountable


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

You are right as you say "many older folk" live this way in a marriage, lolo. I know many as I am an older person. Many because of health, many because they just cant be bother, many because there is another in the marriage.

Most (other than the ones who cant be bothered, or 3 person,) of these people are in long term marriages, have history of a good marriage, there is kindness towards each other, a real love towards each other, a tenderness, it works because they love each other enough to give to each what the other needs, not take what they want. 

~ sammy


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