# The 180 and when to stop



## xArielle (Aug 2, 2011)

New here, very grateful to everyone who's posted about the 180. I especially get and believe that it is for me more than anything.

H and I are separating at the end of the month when our lease ends. He says he feels he lost his identity in our relationship and needs to be on his own to get established - financially self-sufficient, finish his last two college classes, etc. All of that is true, although those are tasks that I have expected of him all along (we took turns supporting each other through higher ed), phased in and out of bringing the tender subject up since he either got angry or said he was on it or made an excuse why it wasn't the right time. So it stings to have him blame me/our marriage for his inability to be successful - wish I would have known that before I invested all this time waiting on him to "grow up."

That's not technically the reason we are separating; it's his story, and it's true, so let him tell it. My version is that I found out about an EA (does phone/internet sex count as a PA?) after he had begun acting very suspect, secretive, belligerent and verbally/emotionally abusive over the past six months or so. I laid out the terms: if you want to be with me, you will cut off all contact with her immediately; transfer/quit/get another job immediately (they were coworkers); and start working on becoming a partner in this marriage, including financially; no more treating me contemptuously; no more lying. Long story short, he basically pretended to agree but never did. Ultimately his OW suggested they end things but they were still emailing each other so I had a few words with her and she decided to do what he would not - cut off contact and immediately got another job. But the result was the same - he did not meet my terms. So I said, I'm out at the end of our lease (end of this month). My therapist suggested a controlled separation which we agreed to do but I have since abandoned because you can't make an agreement with someone who breaks agreements. He has said he doesn't want to see other people, and I respond that he can do whatever he wants. When he asks if I am going to see other people, I say I need to work on myself right now and healing from this affair, but that if I met someone I would tell him. 

Getting to my question. He expects us to have dinner together sometimes, go out riding on his bike, maybe go out on dates. Says he's still going to want to talk to me. (That will be necessary via some medium or other - we don't have kids, but in TX there is no such thing as a legal separation, and it's a community property state so we have to coordinate finances, credit, etc. and believe me I will file in a hot second if that starts going south.) At first I agreed to this, but recently, after he said a new version of "I'll always love you," this one being "I'll always want you in my life," I noted that sounded platonic and he said that's not what he wants. Meanwhile he kisses me goodbye; while we've been on separate trips he texts me that he misses and loves me so much, etc. I've discouraged this as "confusing." 

I don't want to be used. I feel like that's been at play here. I'll do the 180 for me, but should I still agree to see him during the separation? I don't want to be his friend. I want to be his wife. (I think.) Obvy, if I do agree to see him, I will not be cancelling plans or jumping through hoops. Also, if the only things he asks me to do are things he wants to do, I'll assume he doesn't want to spend time with me so much as have company while spending time on himself. Is it more important (toward the goal of reconciliation) to maintain the underlying friendship, or to let him know I've moved on? 

Thanks for all your posts (well, I haven't read them all yet) - they've been comforting, compelling, and sometimes the much-needed funny.

Ari


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

I wish I could help. You are further along then me. I would do the 180 and continue. If YOU want to start dating your H, then make it once every two weeks maybe, tell him to limit his texts, and don't say I love you. It is confusing.

It sounds as if he isnt sure what he wants. To stay or to find another fantasy to live in. Maybe tell him you are willing to try XYZ for 30 days, insist on counseling if you want it, whatever timeframe you are comfortable with, but continue to plan your life without him. It is painful and you will still continue to have good moments and crappy ones, but this is now your time. Make it about you. If he fits in somewhere, so be it, but we always give up so much of ourselves to our partners that we lose focus on our own needs.

I wish you the best.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

At this point your goal is to let him know you have moved on. No dates, no kissing, no talking about anything but money or property.

When he is ready (in your opinion) to present himself as an acceptable candidate for being your spouse (again), you may move into a reconciliation mode. If you're not there yet then nothing but business.

Myself, I would expect some kind of contrition followed by commitment and I would expect it all to be credible


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Good advice. I'm doing this now, and it hurts like hell, but it's what's best for us both. You're in that kind of waiting game right now and if you're like me and you expect answers and explanations and reconciliation to be husband and wife and not just friends, you expect it now, and it's just not gonna happen right away. If he's suggesting dating like that, let him make the efforts to set up a date. Patience is a virtue.



Ten_year_hubby said:


> At this point your goal is to let him know you have moved on. No dates, no kissing, no talking about anything but money or property.
> 
> When he is ready (in your opinion) to present himself as an acceptable candidate for being your spouse (again), you may move into a reconciliation mode. If you're not there yet then nothing but business.
> 
> Myself, I would expect some kind of contrition followed by commitment and I would expect it all to be credible


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## xArielle (Aug 2, 2011)

Thanks all, and 10YH, I think your words "acceptable candidate" performed some kind of chiropractic adjustment on my brain. In a good way.

And yes, credibility is in some ways the most serious issue since it undermines everything else.


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## xArielle (Aug 2, 2011)

Un-friended him on Facebook yesterday. He didn't like that. He's been playing this whole "I've got nothing to hide" game but he made adjustments so I can't see his friend list sometime after I sent him a message that said "did you actually just be-friend a local stripper?!" He left Fb up and when I went to grab my iPod I saw another local 22 year old stripper in his news feed. To quote Tom Cruise in one of his especially crazy interviews, "I need to cancel that from my area." Plus, there is no better advice in the 180 than "don't snoop." It only hurts you. Lastly, as my hand hovered over the "Seriously?" button when I took him off my friends, I thought - infidelity, pain, insensitivity aside -- if he was a complete stranger, I wouldn't friend him. Bleep. I told him and he immediately withdrew in fury. I said, "it's just FB, dude." Then today he actually sends me a message through FB - I think I can count the # of times that's happened on one finger - to tell me he's "very upset with mne" and askedif I did it so he couldn't see who I friended or "just to make a statement"?

I responded that I noticed he hid his friends from me and realized I don't really have a place in his life, and that I need to concentrate on the positives in my life, and continuing to subject myself to caring about a censored version of his life was not conducive to my growth. Then I added that I was surprised he was upset at all. That ended that legendary exchange. 

He has told me time and time again that he doesn't want to sleep with anyone else while we're separated. I'm trying to keep my eyes on the "actions, not words" ball. There's not much to see.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Good move. No need to fb with him so don't do it.


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