# Man...this whole affair thing really messes with your mind.



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

For me, I find now whenever we have an argument/fight/or just kind of an off day is I will often wonder if he is thinking about his OW and about how their contact was so fun/flirtatious/baggage free and if he is thinking about that.

I can't compete with that.....that new exciting thing that happens when you meet someone and there is an attraction. We have been together for 25 years now...it is not the same.

Prior to this whole cheating mess I never thought about that at all....and I think it kind of makes me act even more *****y at those times because all I can think of is him thinking about that and so it becomes a vicious cycle. It definently plays with your head...

I have to admit a year after DD#2 I am wondering if there is now way too much baggage for me to ever get past what he did... I wonder if I am staying for the wrong reasons.....


----------



## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Go with what your gut says. Live your life on your terms.


----------



## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

highwood said:


> For me, I find now whenever we have an argument/fight/or just kind of an off day is I will often wonder if he is thinking about his OW and about how their contact was so fun/flirtatious/baggage free and if he is thinking about that.
> 
> I can't compete with that.....that new exciting thing that happens when you meet someone and there is an attraction. We have been together for 25 years now...it is not the same.
> 
> ...



Its really hard and Im sorry you are asking yourself those questions. I asked myself those many times too. Still do! Are you in counseling?


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

No, we are not in counselling anymore. I just think now that when someone does that to you it is so hard to view them in the same light again. What is your situation Letdownntx?


----------



## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

highwood said:


> No, we are not in counselling anymore. I just think now that when someone does that to you it is so hard to view them in the same light again. What is your situation Letdownntx?


Its a LONG story but I'll condense it!! LOL

Married 19 years, DD#1 was in 2007, another DD in 2008, another in 2009. We were separated for 17 mos first time, 4 mos the second time, and 3 mos the last time. He came home in 2010 and I thought we were in R. I knew it was not a true R as he wasnt doing all that he should have been doing. Then low and behold I discovered my suspicions were right and DD#4 occured 4/18. At that point I was ready to leave because I couldnt take enough. Still know that I cant take anymore but he has begged and pleaded and vowed to do everything he should have done in the beginning. He hates counseling but asked for counseling to help us and we went to our first session this last weekend. I want to believe this time might be "IT" but honestly have no faith and very little hope. Right now Im just biding my time and watching his actions. After 3 years of false R Im sure I will know when he's not trying anymore and the minute he stops...IM OUT!!

(Edit: Each time was with the same woman so a 6 yr relationship with her off and on (he says))

Thats the short story


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Have you confronted the OW? 

So I am curious what makes you "want" to stay with him?


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I should add...I am sorry that you are going thru this..your last DD was not that long ago..only a week and a half ago? Is his A physical?


----------



## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

highwood said:


> Have you confronted the OW?
> 
> So I am curious what makes you "want" to stay with him?


Well thats the million dollar question now isnt it? LOL

I think for me it has been weakness, and low self esteem. Also wanting to keep my family together (I grew up in a single family home). I also don't think that my husband is a terrible person. He has just really made some selfish decisions that have caused a lot of pain and heartache for the people he claims to love.

The last DDay wasn't long ago at all. Supposedly this time he realizes what he has done wrong, what a huge mistake its been, how selfish it is, how it destroys families and how he genuinely loves me and wants to do things right by me. Typical words from a cheater who gets caught. Does he mean it this time? Who knows! The difference this time is that I'm not going to allow him to get away with less then I deserve. He can either work his ass off to show me he cares and make things right this time or we can be gone because at this point, until he proves me wrong, I don't think there is any way to protect my heart from being hurt again without leaving him!


I guess Im giving him time to seek counseling to fix himself so that I can see if "we" have a chance to heal from all this.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Do what is best for you...

I hear you as well...I wonder, because I have been with H, since I was 19 if I am staying because the hassle of divorcing/moving possibly, etc. seems so overwhelming. As well our son who is 23 and still lives at home and it just starting his career and we want to help him out as much as we can, even though he is an adult. Divorce is still hard on adult kids too and I do not want to disrupt his life and cause him to be stressing about his mom and dads marriage.

Are you trying to do some of the "180"?


----------



## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

highwood said:


> Do what is best for you...
> 
> I hear you as well...I wonder, because I have been with H, since I was 19 if I am staying because the hassle of divorcing/moving possibly, etc. seems so overwhelming. As well our son who is 23 and still lives at home and it just starting his career and we want to help him out as much as we can, even though he is an adult. Divorce is still hard on adult kids too and I do not want to disrupt his life and cause him to be stressing about his mom and dads marriage.
> 
> Are you trying to do some of the "180"?


I have tried in the past to do the 180 and I think that alot of the reason that Im finally where I am about leaving if I have to is because of it and because I have realized that he has hurt me so much so he must not value me at all. (he says he does...ha).

In the last week he has been the guy that Ive wanted all along. He's been loving, affectionately, expressive in his feelings. Its been really nice BUT Im hesitant and have my guard up still.

My kids are 16, 13 and 8 but I understand your need to help your son get on his feet. We have been together since we were 16 and 18 so I know what you mean about being together so long! Its sad when its all you know and its messed up!


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I know..I mourn for the time when we did not have this issue in our lives. Life seemed so much more innocent back then.

But maybe, in my situation, my acceptance of having a complacent marriage and being okay with that and assuming that he was too was somewhat arrogant on my part. 

What makes it worse now is now we have this issue to deal with and that makes it a vicious cycle as well...as I am still dealing with anger/resentment towards him.


----------



## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

highwood said:


> I know..I mourn for the time when we did not have this issue in our lives. Life seemed so much more innocent back then.
> 
> But maybe, in my situation, my acceptance of having a complacent marriage and being okay with that and assuming that he was too was somewhat arrogant on my part.
> 
> What makes it worse now is now we have this issue to deal with and that makes it a vicious cycle as well...as I am still dealing with anger/resentment towards him.


If you are still feeling this way then my guess is that he is not doing what he needs to do to make you feel better about the whole thing. Its so much easier to move forward when you have a remorseful spouse.

Have you thought about IC for yourself. Maybe you can find a place where you are more content with your situation since you choose to stay?


----------

