# My Wife Separated, I Believe she is seeing someone, I want to fix our Marriage



## new_super_star (Jul 4, 2017)

I am reaching out as I can't deal with the pain anymore and after finding out that my wife is seeing someone, I need guidance.

Back in March, my wife presented to me that she wanted to Separate. We were still living together. We had a lot of ups and downs like any marriage. We have been married 13 years, we have three children, Girl 12, Boy 8, Girl 5. I am a person of faith and pray to God on a regular basis and go to church, as well as I have been working on myself.

In April we would go on dates, walks, have conversations about a future. We were being intimate on all levels and then we had a turn of events and had a huge blowout. I don't know if the blow out caused things to change or that she started talking to a guy through text. Finally she moved out at the end of May.

We have been going to couples therapy and I go to individual therapy about once a week if possible. During couples therapy we don't sit and talk together we go in individually. We haven't discussed fixing our marriage. I have been told I love you but I am not in love with you anymore. I hate you and can't forgive you for what you have done. She says I was emotionally abusive, looking back at things I believe I was. 

I recently been working on me and apologized to her and asked for her forgiveness. For all the damage I have caused over the years. This happened this past weekend. We got in an argument because I asked her if she was seeing anybody. She told me that she isn't and told me that it was none of my business and that she would be to scared to tell me. She says she has had men over and I asked her if they were married or single. She got mad and told me she doesn't have to tell me anything. At the end of the conversation, I asked her is she was having sex with anyone. She blew up on me and was in my face and smacking the counter and slamming things, and slapping the cupboards. She was angry and told me that I was disrespecting her in her own home, and that she hated me. I was leaving on a flight out to NY and told her I know that you don't care but I love you. I am scared to fly so I just wanted to say that to her if something were to happen. She felt bad or something and said she cares about me. 

I am confused as to what I should do or what is going on with her. Cause I am sure she is seeing someone, not sure they are having sex, but I am pretty sure it is going down they exchange several hundred text messages a day. She hasn't divorced me yet or given me papers. She still won't admit to the affair or whatever she thinks she is doing. 

My two youngest kids live with her and my oldest lives with me. We do the every other weekend and she blew up on me as she wanted me to change the rotation. She told me I was selfish and told me that is why we don't work and why we will never work. She also told me that she can't wait till it is legal and that was about three weeks ago. I finally had enough and called her and agreed that I would help her out for the summer. I wanted it to switch back and she said that sounds great. Last week she gave me a hard time and told me that she didn't want to switch back and I told her that we agreed to switching back. After a long dispute she finally let me get my days back, she kept bugging me why are the dates so important to me. I was able to see my kids on their birthdays and I was looking forward to that. I asked her why it was so important as she only needed the weekends switched so she could plan with her team. She wouldn't give me a response. Finally today I see that she has been seeing this guy or whatever is going on since the end of April. 
I wonder if this had anything to do with this gentleman as he is 29 and looks like a single dad. Keep in mind my wife just turned 38. 

Anyways I am really upset about my situation. I been reading lots of self-help books and been praying to God to find a way to present this problem in couples counseling. I am not happy about things, I am hurt, sad, scared, emotional, upset about the lying, and many other emotions. She has been very nasty to me since April and said she is just angry and sad with everything that I have done to her over the years and she believes she can't forgive me or forget. 

She is not the normal person that I know, she recently got a tattoo, last week after an argument she got a nose piercing and I don't think she is reading any of the books I got her. We were in church last week and she paid her tide for the first time and she was crying during communion prayer. I found that to be great, but also what is going on in my wife's head. She has yelled at me for being to nice. I bring her flowers every two weeks or so and do small little things for her. I think she is feeling guilty about this guy or whatever. I am not sure what to think.

I was hoping you great people have some advice, I don't want to hear the advice that I am a fool, I should move on. I have faith and I feel God is putting us through all of this for a reason. I struggle everyday with the pain, but I am trying to keep myself together. I am tired of her blaming me and not working on fixing her. Cause that is what she wanted us to do during our separation. I don't think she wants to work on our marriage. 

I have counseling next week and I was going to apologize to her in front the counselor for all the wrong I did and take responsibility for making her the way she is and damaging our family. Is it to soon or am I being ridiculous. I was going to say something to my counselor that I believe that she is having an affair. I need some advice, I am lost, confused, and I am looking for hope. Please share any insight. Anyone been through this and fixed their marriage, she has threatened me with divorce and hasn't served any papers. She hasn't asked me for all the financial stuff, is she going through a mid-life crisis and doing this to see if this is truly what she wants. I have been giving her the space she requested. Please help.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

new_super_star said:


> I am reaching out as I can't deal with the pain anymore and after finding out that my wife is seeing someone, I need guidance.
> 
> Back in March, my wife presented to me that she wanted to Separate. We were still living together. We had a lot of ups and downs like any marriage. We have been married 13 years, we have three children, Girl 12, Boy 8, Girl 5. I am a person of faith and pray to God on a regular basis and go to church, as well as I have been working on myself.
> 
> ...



Get your ducks in a row, tell her you are willing to work on MC together, she must stop all contact with this person otherwise you will proceed to divorce


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Quit apologizing to her, you didn't cause this she did. 

Stop begging her and start doing things for yourself.

Of course she is sleeping with someone else, this is why she wanted to move out. She is gas lighting you trying to come up with every small thing you have ever done.

Pull yourself together and start doing the 180 on her, the more you beg the more she will pull away.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Man up. You look like a weak puppy dog. She's banging some alpha male that isn't scared of you or anyone. You are very unattractive to her right now. Hell, from my computer I think you're pathetic.

Kick her out of the house and serve her with divorce papers. Tell her you won't be disrespected with her cheating and will blow up her world. Lawyer up and fight for the kids. Last but not least, EXPOSE. Tell everyone. Post it on facebook. You need to find out who she is banging. Follow her, spy on her. They are probably married. You need to blow up their world too! Time to get pissed!

Are you in good physical shape? Go to the gym and start lifting heavy weights. You need to focus on something positive, exercise and heating/drinking healthy is a good place to start.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I am sure that you are very depressed and thus not dealing with things well at all. You might want to consider seeing your doctor to get on anti-depressants for situational depression. They do not dope you up. Instead they help you see things more clearly and handle them well.

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. This book gives a very good plan on how to deal with what is going on.

You should not be in marriage counseling with your wife if she is in an affair. There is no way to fix a marriage when there is an affair in progress. Again read the book, it will explain things.

In the book, it talks about Plan A and Plan B. You have essentially been doing Plan A for weeks now. So I think it is time for you to move to Plan B. Plan B is very much like the 180 for betrayed spouses that is talked about here. Take a look at the link to the 180 in my signature block below.

About the child time-sharing issue. You really need to file for divorce. When you do, ask your attorney to write up a 50/50 custody and a time sharing plan that gives you at least 50% of the time with your children. Since your older children live with you, make sure that the plan states this.

Could you please give us some examples of things she is saying that you did in the past that were abusive/controlling?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

By the way, even if you were abusive/controlling to her in the past, you are not responsible for the affair.

If you really were abusive/controlling, she had the right to leave. But at this point it is not clear if you were abusive/controlling or if she is re-writing history to justify her affair. Very often when a person asks wants a separation, it's so that they can try out the affair partner to see if things are going to work out with their affair partner.

But she is 100% responsible for deciding to have an affair. Having an affair is not the solution to a troubled marriage.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

She is vigorously defensive and obnoxious with you because it works.

You back down.

Stand up for yourself - calmly.

Learn how to do it. Conquer your fear of her emotions and what "might" happen.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

Hi, for what it is worth, my marriage of pain caused by my wife's numerous affairs has led to her walking out, now she has a new man who she was having a EA for some 6 months prior to leaving, i am willing to go to any length to have her back, but she is not interested at all, no counselling, no conversation at all really. My advice to you is to take charge of the situation and if like you say you want to save the marriage then you have to re-double your effort to show your wife that not only is change happening but the changes you are making will be for her benefit also. Good Luck.

Love and Peace

KevinZX


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sometimes God takes people out of other people's lives when they are in sin and are hard hearten. Sometimes you have to accept this. You can't make her come back to you. If she doesn't love you in all honesty you don't really want that kind of relationship do you? Don't put all your hopes for happiness in her.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm not sure I agree that this is an affair.

Seems to me they are separated and she's moved out.

What am I missing? If they're separated she doesn't owe him any explanations, unless they're supposedly working on the marriage.

Can you be more specific about the nature of your big blowout and what she claims made you emotionally abusive?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I am constantly amazed at the number wives who get their husbands to think that they are the problem and need the help. I noticed something when I was dating a few married women, some with their husband's approval or who were willing to look the other way. It is often said that a woman wants a beta male for a husband but an alpha male for sex. In my experience that has been the case. She does not want to go to joint counselling because she does not want you to hear the truth. She needs you to string along so that she has a place to go if things do not work out. Hard to go back when you tell someone what you really think of them. She is not working things out and is well aware that you will do anything to keep her. 

You have become what is known as a safety net. You are there in case things do not work out with her new lover. Even if she comes back, odds are that she will continue to look for your replacement. I have seen this all too many times. Once love is gone, it is over. No one can will love into and out of existence. It is either there or not. You are making the mistake of thinking your depth of love is the same as what your wife feels for you. That is what love sick men do when they project their feelings onto women who do not feel the same. Obviously she does not love you or she would not want a separation. Even if she comes back it is never going to be the same. She will have even more power over you while she goes out and makes what she wants happen, rather than pray for it. If God will not alleviate the suffering of children who pray, why would He help you to get a cheating wife back? Love is merely a chemical reaction in our brains and once gone, you cannot just think it back. It is either there or not. I bet that in retrospect you can see the clues that she was having an affair. Some guys are really clueless and will accept any excuse their wife will give them. I know all too well how loving women can lie with a straight face and get angry with you if you do not believe them. Twice I was cheated on and twice I cut the woman loose and they went on to cheat on their new boyfriend and husbands. I learned to have a healthy amount of distrust. Not a lot, just a healthy amount so if my wife all of sudden comes home late a few nights a week, I would check that out. There are tracking devices you can hide in a car, hire a private detective, etc.. However the guys that are easiest to cheat on are those who believe that their wives would never cheat on them. They will grasp at straws and the lamest of excuses rather than to accept the alternative. They are usually all good guys. The easiest men to con. Those who think others share their morals.

Sure there is always a chance that she will come back to you, but what caused her to leave will still be there and adults rarely can change. They may try to act differently when they reconcile but their true nature will always rise to the surface again. Read this to see what your odds are of getting back together: Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater? Marriage Therapists Weigh In | HuffPost


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm not sure I agree that this is an affair.
> 
> Seems to me they are separated and she's moved out.
> 
> ...


You are right that this could be the situation and we do need more info from the OP on this.

Being separated is a sticky situation because a divorce has not been file. So technically they are still married. But there are few states that actually care of this anymore when it comes to whether or not adultery could be used for a divorce. If she is having an affair, it is legally adultery... but no one cares except maybe the OP.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You are right that this could be the situation and we do need more info from the OP on this.
> 
> Being separated is a sticky situation because a divorce has not been file. So technically they are still married. But there are few states that actually care of this anymore when it comes to whether or not adultery could be used for a divorce. If she is having an affair, it is legally adultery... but no one cares except maybe the OP.


Yes, that's true. I guess when I saw that she'd moved out and he said they'd not discussed working on the marriage I couldn't see how she's having an affair.

I also don't like the assumptions that some posters make..... that because she's seeing someone else all of a sudden none of her complaints are valid and he's a saint.

Her seeing another guy and him possibly being emotionally abusive are two separate issues. Convincing him he's a saint, particularly if he's been a bit abusive, does him no favors as the behavior will continue to the next woman.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What do her actions tell you, NSS?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

new_super_star said:


> I am reaching out as I can't deal with the pain anymore and after finding out that my wife is seeing someone, I need guidance.
> 
> Back in March, my wife presented to me that she wanted to Separate. We were still living together. We had a lot of ups and downs like any marriage. We have been married 13 years, we have three children, Girl 12, Boy 8, Girl 5. I am a person of faith and pray to God on a regular basis and go to church, as well as I have been working on myself.
> 
> ...


What was the huge blowout?

What actions identify your behavior as abusive?

It seems you are apologizing or intending to for something, but I am not quite sure what.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yes, that's true. I guess when I saw that she'd moved out and he said they'd not discussed working on the marriage I couldn't see how she's having an affair.
> 
> I also don't like the assumptions that some posters make..... that because she's seeing someone else all of a sudden none of her complaints are valid and he's a saint.
> 
> Her seeing another guy and him possibly being emotionally abusive are two separate issues. Convincing him he's a saint, particularly if he's been a bit abusive, does him no favors as the behavior will continue to the next woman.


She could very well have legitimate issues with his behavior and maybe he did "drive her away" but then she can just file for divorce and move on. He wrote they are going to couples therapy so the op at least is under the idea that they are trying to work on the marriage. Just because couples separate doesn't get them free reign. She admits to having men over to where she is living and when he asks further questions she goes off on a tantrum which if any man would have done the abuse bandwagon would have jumped all over him for. 

He's received the I'm not in love with you speech, the i hate you and will never forgive you speech. He's no saint and she's no angel. Taking a possible affair out of the equation they both seem to have a great deal of work to do on themselves before they can think about trying to repair this marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If an when @new_super_star returns and answers some of the questions asked, giving more detail it's hard to give him any more input.


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## new_super_star (Jul 4, 2017)

*Re: More insight, answered questions*

What was the blowout about exactly? Can you be more specific?

The blowout was I was sleeping on the floor in my son's room and my wife lost it and was going off on my oldest daughter. I never witnessed her ever talk like that to my children, it was awful she was dropping the F bomb constantly and she woke me up I got involved and she went off on me and was in my face yelling and cursing. I had enough i grabbed her shirt sleeves and twisted them and pushed her into the living room. I know that wasn't a good thing to do but I lost my control as she gets in my face and points and I don't know if she is going to hit me or what. She is really nasty and controlling like that. 


Has the therapy been helping? Can she get past the emotional abuse?
This is a difficult place for you both, but she needs to either stay work on it or divorce and then have another realationship, it is possible she it testing the waters with someone else.

I didn't know she has been talking to this guy the whole time we have been in therapy. They text all day and all night and in the morning too. I don't have any solid proof that she has actually cheated but with the text I think I have the right to assume. Plus she was crying in church this past time and she has never cried about us and I know she has nothing else going on, so I would assume that the previous weekend when she forced me to change my rotation, she must have did the deed. I am pretty sure of it. 

I would assume that she is falling in love or who knows what but they exchange messages like high school kids text. It makes me wonder how the hell this guy has the time to text so much. I am going to bring this up at therapy as it is a waste of my money and if she is seeing someone on the side, this will not help our marriage. 


Her major overreaction suggests guilt to me, why would she react like that, further your gut /intuition is telling you something is off

My gut feeling was right this whole time, I am getting stronger as it only has been officially a day and the advice that i was given I didn't like but I needed to hear it as I am a person and I am entitled to know what is going on. I will not let her control me anymore as she is emotionally abusing me all the time. 

She has already moved out and played me on that too that she needed space to work on herself and that I needed to work on me, but right now she screwed me up as I was working on me. She had me convinced that I was such a monster and she was guilting me with things I done to her from 15 to 20 years ago. She has nothing now and she keeps bringing it up. I keep asking her why now but I think it is to justify her guilt of being with another man. I had myself really messed up cause I blamed myself for destroying our marriage as well as my family. 

She is already in a relationship, can you access her phone, computer etc and keep copies of the evidence? There is little point in having couples therapy if she is engaging in another relationship.

I agree she texts him when I am there with a smile. I finally was able to look at phone records I didn't want to and I honored her respect but I had the gut instinct and God gave me the strength to look as I believe he wanted me to know. 


I suspect she wants to keep you as plan B, this is why you need the evidence before you confront.

I don't have evidence besides the messages, but I do know that I have to many suspicions to ask her again if she is seeing/having sex with someone. The red flags are everywhere. One incident I confronted her about it was weird and not normal behavior for her and she uses her friends from work as scapegoats. She had parent teacher conferences and didn't come home till 10:45 she has never done that before and she had her phone off for sometime. It was a very strange day. Going to her house and she drinks bud light sometimes never did before she sticks to rum and diet coke. Three different cigarette butts. She only hangs out with the neighbor next door. To fresh half empty cups in her trash, her friend next door was at work we are teachers and have the summer off. I am not a detective or going crazy, I don't go there to investigate, I was an accountant for a long time and that is how my brain works. 

What exactly have you done that would warrant her to run off to a toyboy?

I have just been negative she lost her job a year ago and we had to pick up and move from NY to Denver, CO. I life is very tough and stressful in Denver and really we struggle financially and struggle with family with everything. We had normalcy in NY doing family stuff, I think she is going through a mid life crisis. I have been doing everything for so long, all the cleaning, finances, grocery shopping, I didn't cook. I did everything else I would wake up early and help her get our kids ready as I teach high school and had to leave earlier than everyone else. Our life is a struggle. I had trouble coming to NY. I needed a break I have had the kids almost every weekend and I am assuming when she wanted her change that is when they shacked up and she felt guilt I do believe. But not enough apparently cause the still text like crazy. When I go back next week I told her I would take the kids Tuesday through Friday. It is supposed to be my weekend officially and couples counseling on Thursday. 

She I say something to the counselor that I want to confront my wife we don't talk together, we talk individually at therapy, my wife made that happen and the counselor said that we need to start talking together or she is not going to see us anymore. I want to say something to the counselor before I confront her. THe other part of me wants to just have my wife come in with me and then just do it. Any thoughts. 


I think she is feeling guilty about this guy or whatever. I am not sure what to think. She is in the affair fog, wants to have her cake and eat it, has been telling herself about how bad you are and she deserves this, but is finding hard to make that internal story stick.

I think somewhere up there she has a heart and still loves me but I think it eats her up as she has to know that this wrong what she is doing. Regardless of what you all are saying she is having an affair and we are still married. She agreed to couples counseling and she is not focusing on it, which makes sense now. She has been talking to the guy since the end of April we stopped having sex at the middle of April. It makes perfect sense to me now, she has been playing with my emotions and won't divorce me. She has made threats so many times, she also told me that she will honor my request and do a separation and not a divorce. She wants a divorce but she won't file. She throws it at me every time.

Really, you are going to take the blame for everything. A decent women may have problems with her H but she tells him over and over, she doesn't commit adultery. Your wife has a lot of things to apologies for too

She does I thought about things for a while I am not going to apologize I want her to stop lying to my face. She seems to have no problem, but when I ask she gets so mad at me. Tells me I am selfish and I am not even listening to her or know what it is like to walk in her shoes. She blames me for everything and how she feels because I was so emotionally abusive. I admit that I did emotionally abuse and she is just as guilty. 

She did baffle me and said something strange and said because I keep asking her is she is seeing someone. She told me if I keep asking that she would probably do the opposite and was basically putting the blame on me. She gets angry about what the counselor tells her and doesn't like anything she tells her. I think my wife is mentally sick she has ADHD and has been on Adderall forever. She stopped taking it somewhere around April.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Pushing her into the living room isn't emotional abuse.....its physical abuse.

Are there other instances of you putting your hands on her in anger?


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## new_super_star (Jul 4, 2017)

I did one other time 20 years ago when we were in college. I slapped her, awful day, awful moment. She has hit me when we were at Disneyland as she was talking to a guy on Tinder and I had the strength to confront her. She caused a big scene in front of my kids, my dad was really upset. She kept blaming me and wouldn't take responsibility. She hit me several times when I confronted her. When I asked again she was in my face again pointing at me. 

I get that is physical abuse, I am aware of my actions and go to counseling on the side for anger and depression, just started last week. I think it will do some good for me.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*From all that I've read, this marriage is equally detrimental to both partners ~ his physical abuse which inevitably had a major role into her cheating! You could well apply "the chicken and the egg argument" here, but I really believe even if weren't physical or emotional abuse involved, that something else might have inevitably exacted itself to lead her to cheat.

The best possible thing that can come from this matter here is that there is an amicable separation and ultimate divorce with equitable property settlement and custody/visitation rights with the kids!*


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I am curious... what grade does your wife teach?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*After having read this rather lengthy expose', I think that not only is the feared EA prevalent, but also the very real possibility that a PA is also in early bloom!

You need to get your a$$, post haste, to a good "piranha" family attorney's office to be fully appraised of both your property and custodial rights! You are strictly her Plan B only until Plan A avails itself to her!

Immediately give her "the 180," and lose her like the scourge she truly is!*


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Yes, you are both not in a good place... but the only one you can control is you.

I'll be frank... I'd advise you start facing such an awareness. You cannot control her anger, but you can get a handle on yours and if you get to the point where you physically place your hands on another, your first thought should be respect gets respect... your second should be what example you are setting for your children.

One needs to transform their actions to be peaceful and happy... we cannot do it through another yet you are basing so much on how well your wife behaves, or doesn't, to find yours. I would say you are looking first in the wrong place. 

You wife is taking ADHD medication and doses adjust through life if severe enough. I have experienced being angry in a family that has ADHD history on my wife's side with diagnosis and treatments for over a decade now and it can be a roller coaster. I was pretty time-manner-place in an anything-went environment of living with 2 of 3 children diagnosed and it was tough with an attitude of anger, but I would have divorced if either of us had raised a hand to another, be it her or I because the if the unhealthy of a marriage ever raises to such a point the suffering would not continue. 

Removing anger is about changing your eyes, not the scenery. Your anger to your wife's actions is knotting up your emotions and your reactions to these knots are restricting your ability to see what is happening... that you cannot control anything and the more you struggle to, the tighter the knot becomes. 

Expectations without boundaries drive this... boundaries for you and there are limits to boundaries in love. How you act and not react when they are reached is crucial.

I don't believe in separation unless it's a legal requirement for divorce, but if separation is so you don't touch another in anger, then your marriage is doomed if you both cannot get some ground rules in place that start way before you react and place your hands on another. 

Anger comes and anger goes throughout our life, day by day. The grace we teach ourselves is to let it pass quickly like an airborne seed in the wind... let it land and feed it and before long you'll find a set taproot that reaches your soul... so stop giving it a great soil and daily watering by letting go of your wife's behavior that is not your's to control. What's your's to control is the ability to see your behavior, understand it, release it, and be aware so that when you see it coming you can step aside so it doesn't connect square on you.

If you cannot collect these within yourself and remove their suffering, and your wife chooses to embrace her suffering, sometimes divorce is the better path...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm not sure I agree that this is an affair.
> 
> Seems to me they are separated and she's moved out.
> 
> ...


She is still legally married to him. She can remove her ring...but the white mark, the sweet smelling virginal skin, untouched by any UV Wayward Sun of a Beech Tree is there. The gold is gone...the untanned, untainted white band is present...for a while. Until she dips it into another man's warm mouth or.......................

She never told him that she is free to do as she likes...and will do so. Until, HE brought it up. 
She did not want to touch on the subject...out in the open, in daylight, for him to see and to fret over.
She did not say to him..."Sorry dear, we are done. I am going to open my legs and mind to/for a few men. Hope you do not mind".

Note: She said that men, not one man, were at her place. She has them over. Women do not invite first dates over to their house. Not normally. Once they get the house invite, they usually get to tour the premises.

She will show them the attic, all the crooks, nooks and crannies.

The ones she likes will be invited to the heated cellar. That secret place that only women have. It is probably the nicest place for any man to visit, to enter. To enter repeatedly in a rocking rhythm. 

She was not totally honest and open to him....she said he is a nice guy, too nice, by the way.

She was not honest and open to him...No, but she is open-business to other men...before the divorce, before any formal acknowledgement is reached between the two spouses.

OP's wife can do whatever she wants...I won't argue this point. She is just too cruel and crude for my tastes. 

Just Sayin'


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

"I need space" - (to have sex more frequently with posOM)


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## new_super_star (Jul 4, 2017)

I called out my wife who is not living with me on her having an affair. She told me she is not having an affair and that we are separated. She said she was going to see people if she wanted to. He is 29 years old my wife is 38 years old. She states he is a good friend. I confronted her and nothing has changed. Not sure what to do. I have been getting stronger and I feel as if she is taking advantage of me. Its like she wants both worlds. She had to talk to me about our son and she was venting to me. I listened and did what I normally wouldn't do. I feel as though she should reach out to her other partner as it is no longer my problem. It has only been two months since she moved out. She is a teacher and has been on summer break, she goes back next week. Not sure how she will continue to be with this guy they literally text all day and she has to raise my two children. I struggle understanding how she is able to be a mother if she is texting him all day 100's to 400's of messages a day. I have been stepping up my game and I don't let her take advantage of me. When she curses at me constantly or lies I just ignore it. She has lied to me and the children about her relationship with the other guy. My oldest daughter who is 12 called her out and she lied to her. I thought it was weird that she brought it up to the kids that Corbin was just a good friend. I have been going to therapy and a domestic violence course, I have a good relationship with God, I go to church, I quit drinking, I am not looking for anyone. I keep praying and leaving it in God's hands. It is difficult and I also learned that I am not the one to blame fore all of this mess. She is just as guilty as me and she continues to blame me. She reached out to me last week shooting me a text and asking me how my classes were going. To let me know she has been self reflecting, I thought that was weird. I myself have been thinking of divorcing her because I don't like being taken advantage of. I thought about giving it a little bit and see what happens. She has no longer been threatening me with divorce as I don't think it is working for her anymore. Not quite sure anymore.


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## new_super_star (Jul 4, 2017)

5th grade, she loves teaching, I can't imagine her being with a man who doesn't take interest in her career.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If suddenly she starts being kind and telling you she's rethinking things, most likely ''Corbin'' is dropping out of the picture, and sounds like your wife needs a guy always around...whether that's you or someone else. She moved out because of this guy most likely, not for ''space.''

I may be wrong, but if your wife comes back, I believe she'll do this same thing again when things get tense between you two. You messed up, yes...but she sounds very manipulative and degrading to you. It's sad the kids are involved now, and your 12 year old is telling her off. Omg, what a hot mess. 

My advice...pull wayyyy back. Be a good dad and be good to yourself. If your wife wants the marriage to work, she needs to try very hard to be true to you and her children. I'm so sorry you're all going through this, I feel bad for your kids.


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## new_super_star (Jul 4, 2017)

That's some good advice Deidre, she stated she moved out from my emotional abuse and she threw all the bad things that happened to us from 20 and 15 years ago. Which I found disturbing. Should I be nice to her or should I just pull back and not say anything? I battle with it, should I show her that I am being a better person, by staying positive and being short in conversation? I do feel bad for my kids as I have seen a drastic change in my younger two kids. I only see them every other weekend but they are out of control I do lots of things with them. I wonder if they are acting out because they are not getting the attention they need from their mother as she is to busy focusing on Corbin. I am not quite sure. I am curious is it normal for a 29 year old man to text 20 to 60 times till he gets a response from her. I thought I I was needy when I was begging her and crying and doing all that. She hated that but she tolerates how needy this guy is, is it because he thinks he is hot stuff for sleeping with an older woman?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I understand why you would have issues with her bringing up things that happened years ago. That likely means she's never come to terms with them. Therapy would help that.

Drop the who thinks who is hot for sleeping with an older woman. Ten years isn't all that much, esp. if she's in good shape. That's more you projecting.

Can you get more visitation once school starts? Can you get more visitation now? Maybe a week on and off schedule? The more time you are with them the more stable they are likely to develop, but remember its a "likeliness" standard there.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

new_super_star said:


> That's some good advice Deidre, she stated she moved out from my emotional abuse and she threw all the bad things that happened to us from 20 and 15 years ago.
> 
> *Cheater script to justify her affair. Typical lying, cheating wife stuff. Happens all the time.
> *
> Which I found disturbing. Should I be nice to her or should I just pull back and not say anything? I battle with it, should I show her that I am being a better person, by staying positive and being short in conversation? I do feel bad for my kids as I have seen a drastic change in my younger two kids. I only see them every other weekend but they are out of control I do lots of things with them. I wonder if they are acting out because they are not getting the attention they need from their mother as she is to busy focusing on Corbin. I am not quite sure. I am curious is it normal for a 29 year old man to text 20 to 60 times till he gets a response from her. I thought I I was needy when I was begging her and crying and doing all that. She hated that but she tolerates how needy this guy is, is it because he thinks he is hot stuff for sleeping with an older woman?


She tolerates him because she likes the sex from him. Affairs are exciting that way.

If you continue to be a good little doormat, plan B to her she may even send you some breadcrumbs but I wouldn't count on it.

You must have zero self respect for yourself to stay where you are.

I wonder what your kids think of you?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

new_super_star said:


> I called out my wife who is not living with me on her having an affair. She told me she is not having an affair and that we are separated. She said she was going to see people if she wanted to. He is 29 years old my wife is 38 years old. She states he is a good friend. I confronted her and nothing has changed. Not sure what to do. I have been getting stronger and I feel as if she is taking advantage of me. Its like she wants both worlds. She had to talk to me about our son and she was venting to me. I listened and did what I normally wouldn't do. I feel as though she should reach out to her other partner as it is no longer my problem. It has only been two months since she moved out. She is a teacher and has been on summer break, she goes back next week. Not sure how she will continue to be with this guy they literally text all day and she has to raise my two children. I struggle understanding how she is able to be a mother if she is texting him all day 100's to 400's of messages a day. I have been stepping up my game and I don't let her take advantage of me. When she curses at me constantly or lies I just ignore it. She has lied to me and the children about her relationship with the other guy. My oldest daughter who is 12 called her out and she lied to her. I thought it was weird that she brought it up to the kids that Corbin was just a good friend. I have been going to therapy and a domestic violence course, I have a good relationship with God, I go to church, I quit drinking, I am not looking for anyone. I keep praying and leaving it in God's hands. It is difficult and I also learned that I am not the one to blame fore all of this mess. She is just as guilty as me and she continues to blame me. She reached out to me last week shooting me a text and asking me how my classes were going. To let me know she has been self reflecting, I thought that was weird. I myself have been thinking of divorcing her because I don't like being taken advantage of. I thought about giving it a little bit and see what happens. She has no longer been threatening me with divorce as I don't think it is working for her anymore. Not quite sure anymore.


Divorce her and fast. 180 her. If is not about the children completely ignore her. She is trying to keep you near as a plan B. Sh is gone. Tell her she can have Corbin. The children, yourself all know she is a lying manipulative cheater. Tell her you have zero interest in ever being intimate with her again, That you know for certain she was sleeping with him while sleeping with you and that now the thought of being with her disgusts you to your very core. Tell her take a hike with Corbin. You are done.


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## new_super_star (Jul 4, 2017)

I spoke to her today and told her that I was disgusted with her and that she was selfish. I told her that I am disappointed that she chose her men instead of her family. I said I wouldn't allow her to take advantage of me anymore and that I don't care what she does with Corbin anymore. I told her I changed from the person who I was when we were living together. I will continue to walk with christ and work on being a better person. I told her I am going to be a better father and work on my family. I told her she told her path and that was other men. I told her I am done with her bs and that I can't allow this to go on. I said honestly you can go f*** yourself. I am going to file for divorce. I am done and then I left her car. She was upset and ran out and told me I was a coward. Then she continued to curse at me in the church parking lot and I just said you chose your path to be with other men. I drove away and she was nasty to me and called me to curse me out. She won't talk civil with me and said no more contact.She said we can talk through a mediator. I am not sure why she got so upset cause this is what she wanted to divorce me. I don't feel to confident about my marriage. Now that we been married thirteen years and together 20 with three kids. I had to do it so she knows I meant business and what does she do curse me out and goes and texts her other man. I did everything in my power at this time and will see and start looking at what I need to do about divorce.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

new_super_star said:


> I am not sure why she got so upset cause this is what she wanted to divorce me.


You didn't affirm her choices, you shined a light on how wrong they are, especially in a biblical sense. People when they are in the throws of deep selfishness don't like to be reminded of such. Does her family know? Might want to get that out there before it becomes, you were abusive and drove her to this. Kids are too young now but I would make it plain to her that you won't be covering for her with anyone even them in the future. Take control of the narrative. If you did wrong too you should admit it but cheating takes it to a whole other level. The one thing I think you can do which is always effective is just tell her that you know you did wrong where you did, but you didn't give up on the marriage she did when she cheated. Say it without anger because then she has no call to use that against you. It gives you the high road. Just tell her you now know the marriage is over. Then detach. I would also get a VAR and have it on your person, when people go off like your wife they may try to lie and do stuff to get an advantage. Not saying that is going to happen but we have seen it enough on here. Better safe then sorry.

Sorry man, but you did the right thing.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

new_super_star said:


> I spoke to her today and told her that I was disgusted with her and that she was selfish. I told her that I am disappointed that she chose her men instead of her family. I said I wouldn't allow her to take advantage of me anymore and that I don't care what she does with Corbin anymore. I told her I changed from the person who I was when we were living together. I will continue to walk with christ and work on being a better person. I told her I am going to be a better father and work on my family. I told her she told her path and that was other men. I told her I am done with her bs and that I can't allow this to go on. I said honestly you can go f*** yourself. I am going to file for divorce. I am done and then I left her car. She was upset and ran out and told me I was a coward. Then she continued to curse at me in the church parking lot and I just said you chose your path to be with other men. I drove away and she was nasty to me and called me to curse me out. She won't talk civil with me and said no more contact.She said we can talk through a mediator. I am not sure why she got so upset cause this is what she wanted to divorce me. I don't feel to confident about my marriage. Now that we been married thirteen years and together 20 with three kids. I had to do it so she knows I meant business and what does she do curse me out and goes and texts her other man. I did everything in my power at this time and will see and start looking at what I need to do about divorce.


Judging from her response she did not deny it she is having an affair. You did the right thing. Inform her parents and close family friends. Have a delicate talk with your children and explain to them when you took your marriage vows they did not include their Mom having a boyfriend and lying to your face about, that for you this is an unacceptable betrayal of trust. Tell your children that if your mother was unhappy having an affair was not the way to go. She should have divorced you first. Tell your children that your mother is going to come up with with a million excuses - all in hindsight that she was really unhappy and she had no choice. Remind your children that is just her way of blaming YOU for HER poor choices. Tell your children their Mom is still their Mom but she is no longer going to be your wife as she is a unrepentant remorseful cheater who wants you to hang around while she decides who she is going to stay with. Remind them when you and their Mom got married there was no Corbin and that he now in fact helped destroy your family, that he is a homewrecker. She can go spend the rest of her life explaining to them why he was such a great guy and it was ok to wreck a home. Then remind them that you will always be their father and that you will always put their interests first. 

Your wife seems to think a mediator is a person whose job it is to carry messages back and forth. That is nonsense. Just ignore her threats and file for divorce. See the best 5 divorce attorneys this week and pick the one you are comfortable with. In general once you see them for a consultation they are barred from representing her. Then file quickly. Mediation is for when both parties agree they want a divorce and need the mediator to help them split the assets as they do not see eye to eye and want to keep lawyer costs down, She is nowhere near that.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

and don't forget to find out if Corbin is married or has a girlfriend, She has a right to know. If he is married don't be surprised if he throws your wife under the bus and she starts crawling back to you.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

new_super_star said:


> I spoke to her today and told her that I was disgusted with her and that she was selfish. I told her that I am disappointed that she chose her men instead of her family. I said I wouldn't allow her to take advantage of me anymore and that I don't care what she does with Corbin anymore. I told her I changed from the person who I was when we were living together. I will continue to walk with christ and work on being a better person. I told her I am going to be a better father and work on my family. I told her she told her path and that was other men. I told her I am done with her bs and that I can't allow this to go on. I said honestly you can go f*** yourself. I am going to file for divorce. I am done and then I left her car. She was upset and ran out and told me I was a coward. Then she continued to curse at me in the church parking lot and I just said you chose your path to be with other men. I drove away and she was nasty to me and called me to curse me out. She won't talk civil with me and said no more contact.She said we can talk through a mediator. I am not sure why she got so upset cause this is what she wanted to divorce me. I don't feel to confident about my marriage. Now that we been married thirteen years and together 20 with three kids. I had to do it so she knows I meant business and what does she do curse me out and goes and texts her other man. I did everything in my power at this time and will see and start looking at what I need to do about divorce.


She got upset because your supposed to be hanging around longing for her return which is what you have been doing. She went to anger to put you back on the defensive and it's typical behavior. Most of what you said she probably didn't even listen to, again it is common behavior. 

Don't start looking to see what you need to divorce, get a lawyer and file asap. That will get her attention much more than speeches. Quit talking to her and file for divorce and start healing yourself.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

new_super_star said:


> I spoke to her today and told her that I was disgusted with her and that she was selfish. I told her that I am disappointed that she chose her men instead of her family. I said I wouldn't allow her to take advantage of me anymore and that I don't care what she does with Corbin anymore. I told her I changed from the person who I was when we were living together. I will continue to walk with christ and work on being a better person. I told her I am going to be a better father and work on my family. I told her she told her path and that was other men. I told her I am done with her bs and that I can't allow this to go on. I said honestly you can go f*** yourself. I am going to file for divorce. I am done and then I left her car. She was upset and ran out and told me I was a coward. Then she continued to curse at me in the church parking lot and I just said you chose your path to be with other men. *I drove away and she was nasty to me and called me to curse me out. *She won't talk civil with me and said no more contact.She said we can talk through a mediator. I am not sure why she got so upset cause this is what she wanted to divorce me. I don't feel to confident about my marriage. Now that we been married thirteen years and together 20 with three kids. I had to do it so she knows I meant business and what does she do curse me out and goes and texts her other man. I did everything in my power at this time and will see and start looking at what I need to do about divorce.


Why are answering her calls? Stop!!!! Hard 180 no contact. 

This was only words which are meaningless to her at this time. Never make a statement or untimatum that you won't back up if you do it'll just make your situation worse.

Now file asap. If you don't your lack of action will tell her your words are meaningless and you can be played/manipulated.

If you have not done exposure do so.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

honcho said:


> She got upset because your supposed to be hanging around longing for her return which is what you have been doing. She went to anger to put you back on the defensive and it's typical behavior. Most of what you said she probably didn't even listen to, again it is common behavior.
> 
> Don't start looking to see what you need to divorce, get a lawyer and file asap. That will get her attention much more than speeches. Quit talking to her and file for divorce and start healing yourself.


Talk less. Do More


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ReturntoZero said:


> Talk less. Do More


This^^^^

Talking is accomplishing nothing. You are going to have to take action to protect your home,property, finances and access to children.

That means getting a lawyer and filing the proper paperwork to protect your assets.

Talk will not protect you.

There is nothing that you can say that will change anything.

She is doing this because she wants to and because it is in her character.

It is not because she is uninformed about something, so therefor talking will not accomplish anything.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

new_super_star said:


> I would assume that she is falling in love or who knows what but they exchange messages like high school kids text.


OP,
That is because she has the mental acuity of a teenage, spoiled rotten, self entitled child. You would be better served to find a mature woman who understands adult relationships and start your life over with her. Your W has no concept of "love" and is not mature enough to be in a marriage. She may not be any more mature than the children she is tasked with parenting. Guard your children as best you can.


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## getting it together (Jun 28, 2017)

New_Super_star>>>>>Please listen to this podcast. It will help you understand what is going on: The 3 Phases of Limerence (Being Madly in Love) - The Dr. Joe Show 02/07 by Marriage Radio | Psychology Podcasts


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> This^^^^
> 
> Talking is accomplishing nothing. You are going to have to take action to protect your home,property, finances and access to children.
> 
> ...


It's actually worse than that.

Talking, beseeching, making agreements... all border on approval seeking.

The OP has done FAR too much of that. Time to stop unproductive behavior.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ReturntoZero said:


> It's actually worse than that.
> 
> Talking, beseeching, making agreements... all border on approval seeking.
> 
> The OP has done FAR too much of that. Time to stop unproductive behavior.


Agreed.

All of those things are doing what is called the "Pick Me! Dance."

The Pick Me Dance is actually supporting and promoting her affair and mistreatment of him. 

As long as he is negotiating and pleading to stay together, she is able to have her cake and eat it too and is able to continue her affair and have him pay all the bills and support her while she has fun with the OM.

Once he stops catering to her and stops indulging her and cuts off her supply line, the affair is suddenly not as fun and glamorous.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Go to dadsdivorce.com.
They specialize in attorneys for fathers. For now demand equal time with the kids.
Tell your attorneys you want full custody.
Accept 50/50 and primary custody.
Tell them she is playing cougar and has taken on a boy toy.
Get a voice activated recorder now and record every instance with you. She will surely try to press charges on you for abuse. Your child custody totally depends on you following this advice. Keep a written copy of everything she says and does.
Your attorneys can subpoena her social media texts etc.
If you start following good advice and protect yourself let us know, there's plenty more.


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## new_super_star (Jul 4, 2017)

Thanks for sharing this, is there anymore information that you have that would be useful to help me understand what is going on with my wife and life.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Never argue with your wife. Calmly state your case once. She's a teacher she knows what you're saying. All you end up doing is feeding her anger. Let her boy toy feed it. Google anger adrenaline addiction. 

Follow the 180. Make her text you and refuse to discuss anything but the kids. That gives you written evidence.

Go to the marriage builders site and search for the exposure article including how to expose to your kids in an age appropriate way.

Do not avoid the warning about the var.
She's out of control and she can tie you up in court for years if she files false domestic abuse charges. The result will be not seeing your kids except for supervised visits. 

Whether or not you wish to reconcile, busting her fantasy and getting her out of the fog is your priority.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

honcho said:


> She could very well have legitimate issues with his behavior and maybe he did "drive her away" but then she can just file for divorce and move on. He wrote they are going to couples therapy so the op at least is under the idea that they are trying to work on the marriage. Just because couples separate doesn't get them free reign. She admits to having men over to where she is living and when he asks further questions she goes off on a tantrum which if any man would have done the abuse bandwagon would have jumped all over him for.
> 
> He's received the I'm not in love with you speech, the i hate you and will never forgive you speech. He's no saint and she's no angel. Taking a possible affair out of the equation they both seem to have a great deal of work to do on themselves before they can think about trying to repair this marriage.


I agree Honcho. They are still married, she got separated and gaslighted him, then she decided to test out other guys.

That is cheating and to think she has young kids to boot, I don't know how anyone in their right mind would think this is not cheating. Separation doesn't mean 'free reign' I agree with you wholeheartedly. I see very few redeeming qualities in this wife of his. At best, she's a quitter. At worst, the very worst kind of cheater


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Pushing her into the living room isn't emotional abuse.....its physical abuse.
> 
> Are there other instances of you putting your hands on her in anger?


sounds like she was abusive to him and he was defending himself. He was also defending his kids from his wife's abuse. Quite frankly, she sounds like a real winner


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Did you file yet? 

Because if you threaten divorce and do nothing, that takes a lot of air out of your balloon and makes you look like weak sauce. 

You flat out told her you won't be a carpet, now SHOW her you won't be a carpet or you'll lose all of your momentum.

As you said, this is what she wants.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I did but she started cheating AFTER she moved out.
She was cheating before she cut him off. The only question is how much before. She cut him off when she considered boy wonder number one. Cheating women don't like to cheat on their affair partner.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

new_super_star said:


> Thanks for sharing this, is there anymore information that you have that would be useful to help me understand what is going on with my wife and life.


Have you had her served yet? When you do you will have the answers you need,


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Make sure you expose her to both family and friends...this will also keep her from telling people a lie


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## new_super_star (Jul 4, 2017)

I haven't done anything as it is my first week back to school I am a teacher and I have been getting advice for lawyers and mediators. My wife got a new cellphone and is returning her cellphone to me as she no longer uses it. She asked me and my child for my address on Sunday like seven times but I never responded or my daughter. She has been civil with me this week and wants me to get the kids prescriptions this week and told me she is no longer attending our church anymore and that we need to have a meet up point to drop off the kids and pick them up. She just shared with me that my youngest daughter had an dentist appointment and sent a pic. Other than that there has been no communication taking place and I didn't text her she texted me all those times. I have been busy so I am going to look into my options. Someone shared the whole limerance podcast and that sounds like my total situation. When I did mention the divorce filing she was crying and had to get comfort from her neighbor and told me I was a coward. She randomly texted me about how she will no longer be attending church, not sure what that was about, but I am sure she was trying to get me back on that one. I know she prays everyday but not for us.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

new_super_star said:


> I haven't done anything as it is my first week back to school I am a teacher and I have been getting advice for lawyers and mediators. My wife got a new cellphone and is returning her cellphone to me as she no longer uses it. She asked me and my child for my address on Sunday like seven times but I never responded or my daughter. She has been civil with me this week and wants me to get the kids prescriptions this week and told me she is no longer attending our church anymore and that we need to have a meet up point to drop off the kids and pick them up. She just shared with me that my youngest daughter had an dentist appointment and sent a pic. Other than that there has been no communication taking place and I didn't text her she texted me all those times. I have been busy so I am going to look into my options. Someone shared the whole limerance podcast and that sounds like my total situation. When I did mention the divorce filing she was crying and had to get comfort from her neighbor and told me I was a coward. She randomly texted me about how she will no longer be attending church, not sure what that was about, but I am sure she was trying to get me back on that one. I know she prays everyday but not for us.


She is still trying to guilt you for calling her out. Crocodile tears. You have yet to state she shows any regret, remorse or repentance. That is laughable that she calls you a coward for refusing to accept that she wants a boyfriend and to stay married. She is blaming you for having it out in the church parking lot. Now the whole church knows she is a cheater. Her problem, not yours. She cries again laugh, remind her that you bet she was not crying like that when she was having monkey sex with Corbin behind your back. 

Don't tell her when you are filing , just do it. She chose not to tell you she was cheating when she moved out and strung you along. Just file.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

new_super_star said:


> I haven't done anything as it is my first week back to school I am a teacher and I have been getting advice for lawyers and mediators. My wife got a new cellphone and is returning her cellphone to me as she no longer uses it.
> 
> That's so she can speak to her other man without interference
> 
> ...


You'll be strung along until you actually do something. Must be hard living with this much disrespect and having your kids witness you allowing it.


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