# Need A Man's Perspective



## Honeybee2 (May 3, 2014)

I am 18 months into a remarriage (both of us). I recently found on another forum a post where my husband put up poll comparing me to another woman he was engaged with asking which he should choose. He obviously put this up before we were married. 

The post described me as "average looking with no real sex appeal".

Now, we don't really have sex or any intimate contact. He doesn't know I've seen this poll. He says the reason we don't have sex is due to his low libido and he doesn't seek any help for it. When I complain he just says sorry. 

I am attractive to many men. I am not overweight. My friends die when I ask if they thing I am average. I'm regularly compared to Zoey Deschanel and her sister. But my husband prefers a different look I guess. What is up? He practically ignores me. Any advice is helpful.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

His lack of interest in you is mental, not physical. He's just not that into you, sexually. He married you for other reasons, I guess. Based on that, I wouldn't expect any significant improvements in your sex life. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

I said it before and I'll say it again any man who doesn't want to have sex with his wife is a suspicious one indeed.


Have you talk to him about this openly?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Honeybee2 said:


> 1]*I recently found on another forum a post where my husband put up poll comparing me to another woman he was engaged with asking which he should choose. He obviously put this up before we were married. *
> 
> 2]* The post described me as "average looking with no real sex appeal".*
> 
> ...


Well based on what you wrote, something definitely is " up" and it ain't his d!ck...

Time to do some sleuthing.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

Honest and open communication is always the best answer in marriage. Avoiding conflict never resolves an issue it usually builds resentment. Do not allow this to build up inside of you but confront it before you go down a path you will regret. Have you found a marriage counselor? You could start with individual counseling first and have him/her help you develop a strategy to talk with your husband. If you would like a recommendation for good articles and other help please send me a private message.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

This is your third thread where you have stated that you are attractive and trying to jump through some imaginary hoops to have your husband desire you. 

You cannot make someone desire you and that is on him not you. Stop doubting yourself. You already said the situation is unacceptable to you.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

If sex is important to you, why did you marry this man?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Honeybee2 said:


> I am 18 months into a remarriage (both of us). I recently found on another forum a post where my husband put up poll comparing me to another woman he was engaged with asking which he should choose. He obviously put this up before we were married.


Can you link his thread here so we can see it.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

Begin secretly watching his behavior on the computer and his phone. His actions have nothing to do with you. He is getting off, you just are not a part of it. Don't say a thing to him. But begin your detective work.


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## Honeybee2 (May 3, 2014)

coffee4me said:


> This is your third thread where you have stated that you are attractive and trying to jump through some imaginary hoops to have your husband desire you.
> 
> You cannot make someone desire you and that is on him not you. Stop doubting yourself. You already said the situation is unacceptable to you.


I may need to start and write on six more threads, maybe a few more. Coming to grips with this is not easy for me, and that's why I came here. If you see my name on a thread and don't want to read it, then don't. He is a complicated man. I am not one to simply give up. He has said that its his libido and gotten irritated that I don't have sympathy. Then I found this (which I am posting because another poster asked to see it.) and I have been confused. I have been open and honest with him about this and about my needs and wants. He has a hard time communicating and doesn't want to go to counseling with me because he feels like I am showing someone else his weaknesses. Here is the online poll I found. He won't talk about it with me. Said it was a long time ago when he was very confused. People's feedback helps me. 

This is an EITHER OR question only. 

Which type woman would you rather spend the rest of your life with given the options below? 

Woman "A" 
- Average looking - No great sex appeal, but attractive. 
- Same age as you 
- Takes care of herself physically 
- Extremely intelligent - Stimulates you intellectually 
- Shares most of your common interests (camping, hunting, mountain biking, juggling or whatever) 
- Mild tempered 
- Not materialistic at all 
- Has a very good income (we'll say $75-$125K 
- Has no baggage 
- Has no kids 
- Treats you like you're the only man alive 
- Average to below average sex drive. 1 time per week 
- Would make for a good friend into old age. 

OR 

Woman B 
- Above average looking - Great sex appeal 
- Takes care of herself physically 
- 4 years younger than you 
- Above average intelligence - Stimulates you intellectually...to some degree. 
- Shares some of your common interests 
- Somewhat materialistic, but nothing extreme 
- Temperamental 
- Average income 
- A lot of baggage - Crazy Ex husband 
- A bratty kid or kids 
- Treats you like you're the only man alive 
- Loves sex - 4-5 times per week 
- Would make for a good friend into old age. 

OR 

Woman C 
- Great looking - Total knock-out 
- Takes very care of herself physically 
- 7 years younger than you 
- Below average uhhh intelligence - Bores you


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## Honeybee2 (May 3, 2014)

youkiddingme said:


> Begin secretly watching his behavior on the computer and his phone. His actions have nothing to do with you. He is getting off, you just are not a part of it. Don't say a thing to him. But begin your detective work.


He locks his phone, computer, has multiple accounts, everything locked down. I told him this makes me feel uncomfortable. He said if I love him, I need to trust him.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Poll sounds like he was looking for assistance on which woman he wanted to spend his life with and he chose you...


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Honeybee2 said:


> He locks his phone, computer, has multiple accounts, everything locked down. I told him this makes me feel uncomfortable. He said if I love him, I need to trust him.


Bull...tell him the same thing...if he loves you, he needs to trust you. The only way to have that trust is to not hide anything about himself. Locking things up is a clear indicator *he does not* trust/love you.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Sorry, sounds like he settled.

Sounds like you did too.

Next step I'd recommend: come clean on knowing what you know and see what you can do about it, and make it clear that you're not willing to live in a sexless marriage.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Your issue is sex OP. What was the last time you just went up your husband and got on your knees and blew him?

Are you putting in the effort to make sure that a) he is satisfied as a man and b) you get what you want?

Or are you simply standing by waiting for him to initiate sex?

Need more info....


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## Honeybee2 (May 3, 2014)

I blow him regularly. He gave me oral once. Says it's not his thing. I wear 5 inch heels to bed for him, I attended a sex party with him, I send him dirty messages, I have done everything. So, I wanted him to reciprocate. Then he has low libido. I have told him that I want more intimacy..that I'll do all this for him, but I also want him to kiss me on the mouth sometimes. My requests cause him to shut down altogether. Yesterday I had had enough. I asked him to watch the LD Ted Talk I read about here. He did. Then he didn't say anything, he had sex with me; used a vibrator since he feels insecure about getting me off, then I asked him what he wants, He says a blow job. I said, not tonight, he grabs my hair and shoves me on him. I go along. Its like he needs a pornographic image to stimulate him and I am willing to offer it but if I ask for anything else he can't get turned on and its his low libido. I Asked him today what he thought about the video and the sex last night. He said he will respond later. I am confused. He never wants to talk about it. Clams up and gets irritated. Its not simple. Its really confusing


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Good, so sounds like you are living up to your 50% of the deal in that department. Good for you!

So the issue is that he isn't.

How about this, next time you want him to eat you out, grab him and do what he did to you. Force him to do it!

Same for sex, screw him or what he likes/doesn't like. if you want his ****, tell him to STFU and put it in for gods sakes.

READ: gain more control and dominate a bit more.

Seems like he is being selfish.....he needs to start being more proactive about meeting your needs/desires vs just concerned about himself.

Keep at it and see if it changes. 

PS. forget about that original thread he created.......worthless.


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## Honeybee2 (May 3, 2014)

DoF, thanks a ton.That is excellent advice and the best I've heard yet. I'll see what happens.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I am not saying this is what is happening...

But there have been times where a woman is too available and willing to please me and I've just lost interest in her.

Sometimes we like to hunt and be proud of ourselves that we brought down our prey.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Honeybee2 said:


> I am 18 months into a remarriage (both of us). I recently found on another forum a post where my husband put up poll comparing me to another woman he was engaged with asking which he should choose. He obviously put this up before we were married.
> 
> The post described me as "average looking with no real sex appeal".
> 
> ...


Your husband is a MORON.

Okay, so he finds a woman HE (not men) HE SINGULARLY isn't attracted to physically....he even states this....then HE MARRIES HER?!?!?! WTF kind of idiot is that. Seriously. I'm guessing he has deeper issues in regards to intimacy because his behavior isn't normal. Not even close.

You need to seriously consider cutting your loses at 18 months. I can't see where this will change.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

The point of my previous post was to try to get you to see that this relationship is damaging your self esteem. 

Referring to multiple threads tells the other posters that you have much more information about your situation in other posts.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Honeybee2 said:


> I blow him regularly. He gave me oral once. Says it's not his thing. I wear 5 inch heels to bed for him, I attended a sex party with him, I send him dirty messages, I have done everything. So, I wanted him to reciprocate. Then he has low libido. I have told him that I want more intimacy..that I'll do all this for him, but I also want him to kiss me on the mouth sometimes. My requests cause him to shut down altogether. Yesterday I had had enough. I asked him to watch the LD Ted Talk I read about here. He did. Then he didn't say anything, he had sex with me; used a vibrator since he feels insecure about getting me off, then I asked him what he wants, He says a blow job. I said, not tonight, he grabs my hair and shoves me on him. I go along. Its like he needs a pornographic image to stimulate him and I am willing to offer it but if I ask for anything else he can't get turned on and its his low libido. I Asked him today what he thought about the video and the sex last night. He said he will respond later. I am confused. He never wants to talk about it. Clams up and gets irritated. Its not simple. Its really confusing


PS Eunuchs can still perform oral on a woman....so low libido is a BS excuse.

He's selfish and has sex issues (maybe because he's not attracted to you, maybe because they're deeper...which I'm guessing is the case).

Does he watch a lot of porn and masturbate a lot?

PS DON'T TURN THIS INTO A PORN ARGUMENT EVERYONE ELSE ON TAM. 

SOME men can be addicted to porn (or any stimulation) to such a degree that they need that stimulation to get off.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

DoF said:


> How about this, next time you want him to eat you out, grab him and do what he did to you. Force him to do it!.





Honeybee2 said:


> DoF, thanks a ton.That is excellent advice and the best I've heard yet. I'll see what happens.


You stated that your husband has only gone down on you one time. That would indicate he has a pretty big aversion to the act. 

Keep in mind when you try to "force" him to do it that it could really backfire on you , leaving you feeling rejected and further damaging your self esteem.


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## Honeybee2 (May 3, 2014)

Remember that we are in our 50's. I don't know, here is some more information: 

1. He showers immediately after we have sex. Full on shower, not just washing. I'd be happy to have it on me all night.

2. When we first had sex, he said he was going to show me the best sex I'd ever had in my life. Then, he didn't make me cum. I asked if he knew how. He didn't. I showed him how a woman comes with clitoral stimulation. He said none of the hundreds of other women he screwed ever needed that. I was blown away. I told him then women have faked it with him. He said no, no women has ever faked it. He then looked at me like I was a freak who couldn't get off correctly. At this point, I felt sorry for him. I was angry at the women who didn't have the guts to show him how to get a woman off and that because I was honest, I was left to look like a freak. Anyway, I think maybe that had something to do with all this but when I ask him he says no. 

3. The hating ***** thing made me ask if he was maybe gay. He got really, really angry.

4. I asked if he wanted a threesome. He got very interested in that. I tried to find us someone. Couldn't but it became the focus of his fantasy. 

I have approached him about all this many times. I have told him that if he isn't attracted to me that he should let me know so I can stop and move on. He says he loves me. I think he is pushing me to make this decision so he can have some kind of control over it. He doesn't want his kids or his family to see him go through another divorce. He has been divorced 3 times. His kids only about the one, he has kept the truth about the other two from them although they are 15 and 17. 

I am going to take a job in another state.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Honeybee2 said:


> I am going to take a job in another state.


This is the best thing I've read on your threads.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

coffee4me said:


> This is the best thing I've read on your threads.


:iagree:

yep. the more you describe him the worse he sounds. you've been married 18 months. I bet that anything you don't already know about him -- is bad. take the job!


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## Honeybee2 (May 3, 2014)

coffee4me said:


> This is the best thing I've read on your threads.


Like many people on these boards, I came here as a final attempt for validation. I have put a lot into this marriage and have never once complained to my family, his family or friends about any of this. I don't think its right to do.

Lots of this I have weathered hoping it would change, trying to understand it. We are ill matched in a lot of areas and well matched in others. So it isn't a simple, he's a jerk. The problem is he is very inconsistent which is difficult to trust. And I have trust issues and well, as I read this, I have to admit I still some self esteem issues that are getting in the way of my ultimate best self. 

Its not all his fault. Its mine as well. I saw some red flags and ignored them. His kids will always come first, and second and third. Its not wrong of him, but it's not how I want my life to be. I am not talking about standard stuff, I am talking about his ability to consider me and think of me and value me and want me--he is usually completely preoccupied with the kids when they are with him and when they aren't. 

AS you can see in the poll, he wanted someone with no baggage. That's why he chose me. So did I. Yet his wife and the parental alienation and the whole story there is a lot of baggage, a lot of drama. He moved a block away from her. 

I put up with it. I gave up my house to move to his. But I want someone who remembers my birthday and who asks about my family and who when I say I am thinking of taking a job five states away says, no, please don't go rather than, well, it'll be good for us financially. 

So, I am going. Yes. I really appreciate all your reading this and offering to help me. What do you all think about taking showers right after sex? Do you all do that?


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

I think the showers after sex is weird. 

You seem like a lady that has her act together. articulate, financially stable and no baggage. 

I can understand trying to make it work but you seemed to be doing all the trying and then doubting yourself when he didn't respond. Granted we only hear one side of the story but it really sounds like he has issues. I agree it sounds like he married you because perhaps you would fit into his life easier. 

That's not the way I would want someone to explain why the married me. Where is the LOVE?! 

I just read your posts and think you deserve so much better.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Honeybee2 said:


> Remember that we are in our 50's. I don't know, here is some more information:
> 
> 1. He showers immediately after we have sex. Full on shower, not just washing. I'd be happy to have it on me all night.
> 
> ...


It's interesting you said that, I was thinking that MIGHT be a possibility when I was typing my previous posts. 

One of those "thou dost protest a little too much" type of scenario


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

Sorry if I missed another post with the history but did you guys have sex before you got married?

Nothing you've described sexually with you two being that its an 18 month marriage is normal in my opinion.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

What did you find attractive about this guy? He sounds Gamma to me.


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