# Wife hates family, so do I!!



## Sandmanx (Apr 24, 2017)

So, I'm new to this. Let me start off by saying that my family is TOXIC. They are full of strong personalities that only my family could really handle being around. They have these ultra conservative views and they are not afraid to express them in front of strangers. I am very different from them. I am a very liberal college student who is not a strong personality at all. I'm quiet and introverted and that's what makes me be able to stay around them and still love them. My wife is a absolutely strong woman and strong personality who isn't afraid to stand up and say when she thinks something is wrong. But she can get pretty offended at the slightest comments. Tonight we were at a BBQ and we were sitting at the table outside with cousins and siblings. My aunt was taking pictures when she told me to kiss my wife. We kissed and my sister out of nowhere says "that's disgusting " I don't want to see that " and wife is like why are you calling it disgusting and then she turns to me and quietly says she wants to leave and go home. I know if I don't act fast she is going to do something big and embarrassing so I announced to everyone that I had to go get something from the car. When we were alone she calls mi sister a b*tch and all these things that my family has done and they make her feel comfortable and she hates them all. All of the times she's been angry at my family is because of some comments someone made. And I get it, they're hard to be around especially to outsiders. And she takes it all out on me. And I feel so terrible because growing up I always told myself that I would never be like my mom and her siblings who are very divisive and feudal and dramatic. It bums me out because I feel like I'm balancing on a rope or between a rock and a hard place.


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## Hopeful Heart (Apr 23, 2017)

I'm new here too, and I am also from a family of strong personalities. We can smell weakness...

I would say let it play out. If your wife gets angry, let her say something, don't censor her. If she thinks your sister is being a B, let her say so. Let them hash it out. I'm guessing your sister is young, because an adult shouldn't be making comments like that. If she is an adult, I would say she needs someone to tell her to grow up. You don't want this going on for the rest of your life.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Should have told your sister "I'm sorry you feel that way." And kissed her again.

You must set boundaries with everyone and be ready to react when they are crossed.

If your W has an issue with one of your female relatives, DO NOT get in the middle of it.

I'm D now but right after we were M.... my mom and W were thinking on a scheme for the

dining room. First off.... I'm a guy, I really don't care, 2nd-mom wanted this, W wanted that. Guess who

both went to for deciding vote. Yeah... sat them both down, told each to never try to put me in

that spot again. 

OP you are not a referee nor should you. You are an adult, you should not have to listen to

what you choose not to. Once you start setting your boundaries, it will not take long for family to

catch on.... IF you reinforce them, when crossed.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Hopeful Heart said:


> I'm new here too, and I am also from a family of strong personalities. We can smell weakness...
> 
> I would say let it play out. If your wife gets angry, let her say something, don't censor her. If she thinks your sister is being a B, let her say so. Let them hash it out. I'm guessing your sister is young, because an adult shouldn't be making comments like that. If she is an adult, I would say she needs someone to tell her to grow up. You don't want this going on for the rest of your life.


The danger here is that the ops family have had years of practice at this obnoxious behaviour and if they decide to stick together against his wife then the whole situation will escalate.The op made the correct decision in leaving in my opinion because his wife will be painted as a troublemaker just for standing up for herself.I speak from experience of a toxic family on my girlfriends side.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Always support your wife in front of them, then you will have a happy wife and a happy marriage. Do not be a softie, if your family are out of line, then call them out on it. You do that a few times, then they will know not to do it again.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Did you hate your family before your wife got involved, or did she "show you the light" once she started jockeying for position?


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## Sandmanx (Apr 24, 2017)

Update.
Thanks to all for the insightful replies. My family has always been like this. I think it might have to do with our roots and where we come from. We come from a Mexican "hood" background from South Central LA and we have always had this sort of upfront vulgar kind of attitudes where we pretty much say whatever in front of eachother. We curse at eachother and say what ever we want. Me being the introverted one really don't engage too much in this behavior. Wife is a US born citizen but she grew up in El Salvador and comes from a humble religious family and she isn't used to the whole ghetto west coast American attitude. So that at the beginning I knew would be an issue. And the funny thing is that I told her that I didn't want her to get too close to my family cuz they're a lot to deal with, she didn't believe me and would get angry at me before we lived together for not taking her to family events. My sister is a 21 year old college student and she has always been a bit bratty. I was not about to let anything escalate cuz sh*t will get wild at our BBQS. It's happened plenty of times before especially with a nice dose of alcohol. I always knew the Fam was like this because I would see it happen to other cousins wives who have since stopped coming around. We have always kind of prided ourselves for sticking together as a family even when we grow up we would still hangout and meet up and be close, but maybe that's the problem. Maybe a family is supposed to branch out and be independent or you just might Crack under the weight of trying too hard to stay close?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

aine said:


> Always support your wife in front of them, then you will have a happy wife and a happy marriage. Do not be a softie, if your family are out of line, then call them out on it. You do that a few times, then they will know not to do it again.


:iagree:

Truer words were never spoken (or typed). This may be tough for you if you're naturally quiet, but be ready--there may come a time you have to come out of your shell strong. Good luck.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

I have only just notice this thread so I apologise for late response. I am in the same situation as your wife - I hate them, he hates them but is able to tolerate them for the sake of keeping in touch with his family of origin.

The kindest thing my husband ever said to me was 'you don't have to do this anymore..' (after a particularly terrible family gathering).

So he goes on his own - they leave me be with occasional attempts to guilt trip me that have gone over my head. You can see them without your wife, she doesn't have to attend family gatherings.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

aine said:


> Always support your wife in front of them, then you will have a happy wife and a happy marriage. Do not be a softie, if your family are out of line, then call them out on it. You do that a few times, then they will know not to do it again.


That is excellent advice but alas I think a lot of spouses have a hard time with this.

That is one thing that bugs me about H is that if there was an issue with his family and me that he would be so worried about what his family thought first over my feelings.

ONe time on Xmas day years ago I was planning on his sister and mom joining us and a few hours before they were set to arrive his mom phoned to our house and said they cannot join us because sister in laws kids wanted to play video games all day at home instead...I was ticked and even though I did not portray that to his mom...when I got off the phone and told him his concern was well I hope you were not rude to my mom....I just thought what about me the fact that I was getting food, etc. ready anticipating them coming over and last minute they call..


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

highwood said:


> That is excellent advice but alas I think a lot of spouses have a hard time with this.
> 
> That is one thing that bugs me about H is that if there was an issue with his family and me that he would be so worried about what his family thought first over my feelings.
> 
> ONe time on Xmas day years ago I was planning on his sister and mom joining us and a few hours before they were set to arrive his mom phoned to our house and said they cannot join us because sister in laws kids wanted to play video games all day at home instead...I was ticked and even though I did not portray that to his mom...when I got off the phone and told him his concern was well I hope you were not rude to my mom....I just thought what about me the fact that I was getting food, etc. ready anticipating them coming over and last minute they call..


I faced the same thing in the first 10 years or so of marriage, we are from different cultures (West versus East) and the level of interference in our lives (which would not be acceptable in Western culture) happened for a long time. 
I would get upset because H would not stand up for me (though he is an alpha) because he didn't want to upset his mother or brother, seemed to think just because I didn't show it, it had no impact on me. Well it had a huge impact in undermining my respect for him, it still hurts when I think about it. This was brought up in counselling and he was shocked by the level of damage it had done.

Till this day, I get on well with his family but having decided to stand up for myself, and set out my boundaries, they are clear where I stand, I will never be in the circle fully, and I don't want to be. I am diplomatic but if I think things are being said that are disrespectful to me or even my H I will say my piece and make sure I am heard. I used to be told by my H don't get involved because as an in law it will backfire. Now I don't give a ****. 
He deals with them, what he does, how he does it I don't care. If I want to join, I join, if I don't want to I don't. He knows that and accepts it. If ever it become an issue, then I will gently remind him, he wasn't there for me with them so I will not do things with them, go along with whatever just for the sake of it. This approach has been very freeing, the only downside is that I live in another country away from my family and it would have been nice to be close to his. But my peace of mind is more important to me than all that drama. If he complains about them, that is his problem not mine.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Your wife needs to learn how to be around people she disagrees with. I am a strong female opinionated person too, and I have the complete opposite view of my in laws, and my husband is very passive and agreeable and he often feels like he is in the middle. But I respect my husband enough to know that he loves his family and it's important for me to get along with them, and I do. I'm an adult. But I realize that I can get offended easily and I love to debate with people. But I learned that it's not worth the battle. It's a maturity thing. There is a time to say something and there is a time to shut your mouth and let them make a fool of themselves. 

Your wife over reacted and is acting really immature. Who cares if your sister said gross. Your wife should of said nothing, or smiled and made a joke and laughed it odd. 

You need to talk to your wife and put her in her place (in private). This is your family, you love them, yes they are annoying but all families are, and she is going to have to get over that and learn how to get along with them because it's important to you.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

By the way, you always told yourself you were never going to be like your mom, but you married someone just like her.


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