# I need major help/advice other than that of family members . . .



## Dana (Feb 20, 2010)

I don't know where to turn for help anymore. I feel like my life is a complete mess and I have no idea what to do anymore. I'm going to try to explain it all, although, it will probably turn into a novel and be somewhat out of order . . . I have a lot going on in my head right now.
I found a man I really cared about in October of 2001 through Yahoo Personals . . . he was my "first" . . . although we only met once. Yes, I was "young and immature" but do not regret a moment of what happened. Needless to say, this man could not commit to me as much as I needed him to. And in February of 2002, I found my future husband through an online dating service. As soon as I met my future husband, I contacted the previous mentioned man and informed him that I was moving on because I found someone that loved me and wanted to commit to me. Our relationship was a whirlwind with two family member funerals (one on each side) happening within the first 3 months of our relationship. We were engaged 6 months later. While we were engaged - I was contacted by the previous mentioned man and 'hit' on. Telling me I was still single and that we could have one last 'fling' before the wedding. This was just the kind of relationship we had from the get-go, so I told him it was inappropriate and I wasn't doing that to my future husband and then we did not talk again. I did tell my fiancee about it, and I (supposedly) promised my fiancee I would not talk to him again.
Fast forward 6 years . . . through the miracles of all the ways to find people anymore, we (the first man) and I started talking again over the internet. He knew I was married . . . so our relationship always stayed very platonic. Matter of fact, we always told each other that we could never meet in person because of "not knowing what would happen". He admitted to me that he had thought about me some over the past years and I admitted the same to him (although being fleeting thoughts, such as "I wonder what would have happened if . . . " and the such). 
Anyway, I started having problems with my husband . . . he wasn't there for me emotionally when I needed him to be, and I turned to the other man for comfort (but only online and over text . . . never in person). My husband eventually found out about it (about 5 months ago now) and has been furious with me ever since. He as said some not so nice things to me, called me some not so nice names, and even touched me no so nicely on a few occasions (all of which he blames on me because I was talking with the other man). Him doing this to me, only pushed me closer to the other man.
Now, here I am 5 months after all this started and I don't know where to turn. My husband is a state away . . . I'm staying at my parents . . . and having very strong feelings for the other man. Who, has been in almost constant contact with me (via computer) checking on me and stuff. He thinks my husband and I are separated, because we have been 3 times now (I just keep going back). The last time I separated from my husband it was only for a few days when I called pleaded to go back. He told me I could as long as I took the other man off my contacts. I sent my husband a fake goodbye letter that I supposedly sent to the other man. Although, both he (the other man) and I had said we'd just stay in contact through text messages and ways my husband couldn't track. Needless to say . . . my husband found out about that and became even MORE livid at me.
I have been talking with the other man over text and the computer and we have talked about meeting up. I guess I should mention we have talked about this before but he always came up with "I need time and space". On Valentine's Day, he suddenly started talking to me a lot and now I'm no sure where we stand again. I have also been talking with my husband. My husband says I can come back but I NEED to get rid of the other guy (in front of him - so I can't trick him) . . . I also need to sign an adenum to our prenup that if I'm found talking to the other man ever my husband can leave me with the bare minimum required by law (our prenup stated different). 
I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of being alone (right now I'm staying with my parents with my 19 month old son - but they are driving me NUTS) . . . I'm afraid to get back with my husband because what if the other guy really is the better choice . . . I'm afraid of waiting for the other guy because what if he never does come fully around.
I just don't know what to do. :scratchhead:


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Who does the kid belong to? which ever guy the kid belongs to, that's where you need to go. You're no longer responsible for just you. its time to grow up.


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

No wonder your H is livid! you continually lied to him about this OM. the grass is never greener on the other side!!! You need to let go of the OM and give your family a chance (meaning you, H and child). Your child deserves that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do something nice for your husband and divorce him, so he can find a wife who understands what getting married really means. Let him keep his son, so you can spend whatever time it is you need to stop obsessing about your own personal happiness over everyone else's.


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## lillylilac (Feb 17, 2010)

(HUG) i think you are definately unhappy and the fact that this other man has been showing you affection is what is attracting him to you.
I think you have a crush on him.. but a virtual one.

Because you dont see him in "real" life you have made this image in your mind of what he is like. But reality is that when you got together the first time it didnt' work.

Your husband is right to be upset, as far as he is concerned you have betrayed his trust. I think if the shoe was on the other foot and he was texting, chatting to one of his X's you would be livid too.

I think you to step away from this other man, and concentrate on the real world.
You are making you husband miserable as well as yourself.
Dont get in touch with the other man.

I dont know if you can repair the mess you have made as your dh will have lost all his trust for you which is a very hard thing to repair.

I wish you all the best in your life and hope you and your husband find happiness in what ever route you chose whether it is together or apart.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You need to grow up and be on your own while you figure out what is best for your child and you.

Divorce and stop all contact with the OM--then don't date again until you are so happy alone you know you will NEVER make the mistake of cheating--taking the coward's way out. You will have the courage to walk away from an unsatisfactory relationship all on your own. You won't be wasting your time wondering which guy is "better" for you. You'll know that YOU are "best" for you, and any man is just a loving, welcome enhancement for the life YOU can make on your own. 

This flip-flopping between men is a sign of a lack of self-esteem. Work on that and your whole life will be better. Don't work on it, and you'll never find the happiness of loving yourself. Good luck and God bless.


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