# Ladies: how would you have handled this



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Looking for replies by LADIES only please.

I had a situation with my exFiance in which one day she accidently texted me a message. The message was one of her gf's asking her if she could get my fiances ex bf's number as a way to get a discount on a certain product as an ongoing thing. Immediately after sending the text she replied "oops", I had intended to send it to "AT" and show what she was asking me to do.

So at that point it was clear to me that my exF's "friend" was asking her to secretly contact her ex BF. 

I told my exF in a reply to the msg, "well I guess it's clear I know that "exF's friend name" is no longer a friend and I want nothing to do with her again.

My exF at the time said I was over reacting and making a big deal out of nothing.

My question: If you know your friend is in a relationship and heading to marriage how would you have handled this? If your BF/fiancé said he wanted the friend to be cut as a result of this, do you think it was a fair request (because I did ask her to chop the friendship). I felt a no-win and if she had not accidently messaged me then who knows if she would have contacted the ex bf.

At the time we had an agreement that there was to be zero contact with our pasts. I told her that even if she just gave the number, when she used her name as a way to get a deal, sure as sunrise she could expect the ex to message her....


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I think you overreacted.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I think you overreacted.


OK, so if your gf asked you to get in touch with an ex bf how would you have handled it?

Keep in mind, my fiancé did not tell me this happened, she messed up and sent me a copy of the text to someone else. So that also played into my reaction.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Cutting out the friend was overreacting. You exF needed to uphold the agreement you two made, but you didn't give her a chance to do that. Her friend only asked for the number, what was your exF going to reply? Was the exbf name and number still stored in her phone? 

You penalized your exF for something she didn't actually do. You were afraid she was GOING to break your agreement. You needed to trust her that she wasn't going to and only discuss it if you had evidence that she was contacting her exbf. 

Isolating your partner from friends amd family for extremely minor incidents is a sign of an abuser. You should really examine yourself and try to learn from this mistake.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> OK, so if your gf asked you to get in touch with an ex bf how would you have handled it?
> 
> Keep in mind, my fiancé did not tell me this happened, she messed up and sent me a copy of the text to someone else. So that also played into my reaction.


I probably would have done just what your ex did. I'd text the guy and say, "my friend is wondering if you can get her a discount on XYZ, do you mind if I give her your number?"


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Cecezakat said:


> Isolating your partner from friends amd family for extremely minor incidents is a sign of an abuser. You should really examine yourself and try to learn from this mistake.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Cecezakat said:


> Isolating your partner from friends amd family for extremely minor incidents is a sign of an abuser. You should really examine yourself and try to learn from this mistake.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Umm, nope.

But my fiancé had other issues with past boyfriends (one who was constantly posting in her FB and she failed to tell me he was an ex).


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I probably would have done just what your ex did. I'd text the guy and say, "my friend is wondering if you can get her a discount on XYZ, do you mind if I give her your number?"


That would have violated our explicit agreement about contact with exes.

In fact, my fiancé saw an old email (I let her use my laptop and she went through my mail) to an ex girlfriend and without reading the date as it was over a year before here and I even met, she thought it was recent and went ballistic. My Yahoo! mail I had cleaned out but somewhere she was able to dig out and old sent file. So she definitely held my feet to the fire about contacting exes even though she never lived up to the bargain.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Nope? You clearly aren't here to be humbled or get opinions but to keep arguing with strangers why you were right and she was wrong. 

Have fun with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Cecezakat said:


> Nope? You clearly aren't here to be humbled or get opinions but to keep arguing with strangers why you were right and she was wrong.
> 
> Have fun with that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I was asking how women would have handled the situation.

I'm not here to be humbled. I'm here to see how people would react or behave in a similar situation.

That was the ONE and only friend of hers that I specifically told her I wanted nothing to do with. I took exception when you added in isolating family and friends as it simply was not the case. 

I'm leaving out the history of my ex as that would bias the story.

But I would definitely had broken off the relationship immediately if she had done like Second Time suggested and contacted the ex bf in such a scenario with the agreement in place.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I probably would have done just what your ex did. I'd text the guy and say, "my friend is wondering if you can get her a discount on XYZ, do you mind if I give her your number?"


Even if you had an agreement about zero contact with exes?

Another fact, my fiancé's gf was not aware that I knew that guy was an ex. So there was a bit of sneakiness too it as well.

My exF actually told ME, that if I ever hit send to any ex gf and she found out about it, that our relationship or marriage would be over that instant. Nearly word for word what she told me. Ironically she was the one with the issue of exes still buzzing around, not me.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> Even if you had an agreement about zero contact with exes?
> 
> Another fact, my fiancé's gf was not aware that I knew that guy was an ex. So there was a bit of sneakiness too it as well.
> 
> My exF actually told ME, that if I ever hit send to any ex gf and she found out about it, that our relationship or marriage would be over that instant. Nearly word for word what she told me. Ironically she was the one with the issue of exes still buzzing around, not me.


Well, every situation is subjective, but I don't think I would be with someone who imposed such a rule. I mean, I'd agree to no "let's be friends" contact, but asking advice/favor for another friend is another story. I have an ex who is a talented artist. If someone asked me to contact him about drawing a picture of their pet, I'd do it. I have an ex who is in the reality TV industry. If someone asked me to contact him for advice, I'd do it. Doesn't mean I want to sleep with either of them or become BFFs. 

I guess I would think that your ex contacting the ex for a product discount for a friend wouldn't have fallen in with the original "no contact" agreement.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

It was mutual agreement. I don't agree at all with your idea of "exceptions" but I appreciate your honesty.

My gf before my fiancé was a lawyer but even though we could talk, I certainly would not send her business or ask her legal advice. But then again, when I'm done with the past I close the book.

But that said, you and I would definitely not gel as I don't think it's cool to still be contacting exes.

When her and I first started dating we went on a dive trip maybe a few weeks into us getting together. One dive she decided not to do and then used the opportunity to look on my phone. About a week prior a friend of mine had sent a group photo to me that had me and the ex gf in it. There was a funny theme to the picture as it was a work thing. My fiancé saw it, and as soon as I got on the boat she asked me, "do you keep photos of exes around". So let's just say my exF had and expectation that I was to have no exes or pictures of exes.



SecondTime'Round said:


> Well, every situation is subjective, but I don't think I would be with someone who imposed such a rule. I mean, I'd agree to no "let's be friends" contact, but asking advice/favor for another friend is another story. I have an ex who is a talented artist. If someone asked me to contact him about drawing a picture of their pet, I'd do it. I have an ex who is in the reality TV industry. If someone asked me to contact him for advice, I'd do it. Doesn't mean I want to sleep with either of them or become BFFs.
> 
> I guess I would think that your ex contacting the ex for a product discount for a friend wouldn't have fallen in with the original "no contact" agreement.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Sounds like a lot of crazy making going on, extreme issues with jealousy and controlling behaviour from both of you.

This is not a situation I would be in so it is hard to answer the question but hypothetically if a friend asked for the number of an ex for a specific reason that was legitimate I would pass the number on. Then again I would not tolerate being in a relationship where I had to justify every move I made and where ex's were considered such a scary threat that they had to be eliminated for all existence.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jdawg2015 said:


> Looking for replies by LADIES only please.
> 
> I had a situation with my exFiance in which one day she accidently texted me a message. The message was one of her gf's asking her if she could get my fiances ex bf's number as a way to get a discount on a certain product as an ongoing thing. Immediately after sending the text she replied "oops", I had intended to send it to "AT" and show what she was asking me to do.
> 
> ...


I don't understand what you're so upset with regarding that message - are you insinuating there was cheating on you involved? 'cos I don't see it. 



> At the time we had an agreement that there was to be zero contact with our pasts. I told her that even if she just gave the number, when she used her name as a way to get a deal, sure as sunrise she could expect the ex to message her....


This is the part that bothers me, though. I guess because I just figure I'm going to trust my partner and shouldn't have to be such a douche about 'no contact! no contact!' that if I have to literally say 'if you ever speak to your ex (any ex?) again, I'm leaving you immediately!' - well, why have a relationship?

But you took it a step further and literally ACCUSED her of planning to cheat.

No wonder she's your ex...sounds like BOTH of you are too insecure to be able to have a healthy relationship if you have to be that controlling.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I never accused her of cheating because of the message. I actually thought the "friend" was being sneaky as she wanted my fiancé to contact the guy and was assuming I was unaware that he and my exF were ex bf/gf. 

I felt the friend did not respect the relationship. 

Based on the product it would be an ongoing thing and the exF would be setting up the deal each time so it would have been my fiancé and ex constantly being in contact not a one time thing. 

Some of you are making VERY bad assumptions and bringing in stuff that does not matter.

I am focusing solely on the "incident" I outlined. 

As a disclaimer, and I do think I'm not alone in this, I firmly believe having contact with exes is a no-no outside of children involved. So you have to respect that and I know many women who also feel the same. Not about scary, it's about respecting the current relationship. I know some find it restrictive but if a gf/wife of mine is still contacting an ex, to me that ex is still in the present. No thanks I'll find a better fish.

That relationship was very hard for me to end as I was ready to marry that women. She still contacts me now and has stated she wants to get back together but I told her it will never work as I would never trust her.



turnera said:


> I don't understand what you're so upset with regarding that message - are you insinuating there was cheating on you involved? 'cos I don't see it.
> 
> This is the part that bothers me, though. I guess because I just figure I'm going to trust my partner and shouldn't have to be such a douche about 'no contact! no contact!' that if I have to literally say 'if you ever speak to your ex (any ex?) again, I'm leaving you immediately!' - well, why have a relationship?
> 
> ...


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

I think if you make an agreement, then you should live up to it. If she agreed to no contact, then no contact. (But it doesn't sound like she contacted him, correct? )

I've had family members ask me to contact an ex who is in the durable medical supply business. I tell them, I don't have his # anymore, but you can look him up, the company name is XYZ medical and give him a call. While I didn't appreciate my family trying to put me in that situation. I just made sure to take myself out of the equation and let them deal directly with him. 

It's the golden rule, I wouldn't like it if my husband was contacting exes, so I don't do it either. (Exception of course where kids are concerned).

But it does sound like you both have some control, jealousy, and insecurity issues.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I dumped her last year. 

The insecurities began from her on day 1. But I think from her end it was projection.

I'm a very secure guy but after a while I picked up on how she had suitors texting her sunset pictures at 12:30AM, etc. that and she had a guy who she claimed was a only a friend but my gut screamed get rid of him the first time I even heard about him. The truth I later found out was he and her had met on an online dating site before I came along. Of course she never told me that fact I found out on my own.

In my case my insecurity was my gut telling me she was not marriage material.

Again, I wish people would focus SPECIFICALLY on the case of a friend asking you to contact your ex bf. There are two parts to this. One, do you think that person is a good friend considering it's disrespectful to the relationship and two, would you decline or contact the ex.

As for controlling etc, I know several couples where contacts with exes would be a HUGE no no. Some of you don't respect others boundaries. I respect that some are ok with it, but I can tell you even in my mid 40s that any women still being pals with an ex is a deal breaker for me. 


Peaf said:


> I think if you make an agreement, then you should live up to it. If she agreed to no contact, then no contact. (But it doesn't sound like she contacted him, correct? )
> 
> I've had family members ask me to contact an ex who is in the durable medical supply business. I tell them, I don't have his # anymore, but you can look him up, the company name is XYZ medical and give him a call. While I didn't appreciate my family trying to put me in that situation. I just made sure to take myself out of the equation and let them deal directly with him.
> 
> ...


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> Some of you are making VERY bad assumptions and bringing in stuff that does not matter.


Like the way you made assumptions about the motive of her friend?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I think it's entirely possible that the friend had no nefarious intent at all. I'm not sure other people are as automatically aware of whatever rules you and your fiancée might have in place as you seem to believe. Most folks just aren't thinking about whatever you've got going on nearly as much as you seem to imagine. I can easily see a friend asking me for my ex-husband's contact information, and never even giving a thought to that somehow being disrespectful of my current relationship.

So, yes, I think telling your fiancée to cut off a friend for something that probably seemed entirely harmless to that friend was overreacting. Now, had your fiancée insisted on making that contact directly with her ex-boyfriend, and making repeated contact at that, then there's a problem with _her_ behavior. That's got nothing to do with her friend's behavior. 

In any case, the two of you sound a lot like very immature and very insecure people who aren't actually ready for a solid, healthy, adult relationship. So, it's probably actually a good thing that she's your ex-fiancée. I would suggest working on moving forward with your life in a healthy way and letting all the drama of this failed relationship go.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jdawg2015 said:


> I never accused her of cheating because of the message. I actually thought the "friend" was being sneaky as she wanted my fiancé to contact the guy and was assuming I was unaware that he and my exF were ex bf/gf.
> 
> I felt the friend did not respect the relationship.
> 
> Based on the product it would be an ongoing thing and the exF would be setting up the deal each time so it would have been my fiancé and ex constantly being in contact not a one time thing.


You may be right about the friend, but I'm more willing to bet it just never occurred to her that it would be an issue. 

I don't understand why the exbf couldn't just set up the friend for the product after the initial email. Even if it's a pyramid deal, there shouldn't need to be any interaction, other than maybe being cc'd on a ticket?


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Like the way you made assumptions about the motive of her friend?


Her friend's motive was to use her ex bf to save money knowing it wasn't cool for her to be contacting him.
The guy was MARRIED. And her friend thought my fiancé only told me that the guy was a friend based on buying the product (hence asking her to secretly contact an ex). So given that tid bit do you STILL think it was a good think for her to ask??

You seem to want to make this a competition. I was hoping not to have to delve into every tiny detail.

I find it interesting that so many women on here think contacting and ex bf is so harmless. I certainly don't. Even now my exF is contacting me, I have only gone on a few dates, and I haven't fully moved on after feeling like she burned me. Why am I still in contact? Because deep down I want it to work out (even knowing I can never accept her). So maybe it's projection but all my other exes I don't contact at all.

When I start a new relationship, I will cut all contact with her forever.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

If you dumped her last year, why are you still concerned about this?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> You seem to want to make this a competition. * I was hoping not to have to delve into every tiny detail.
> *


You're the one who started the thread lol! 

Not competing at all, just offering my opinion as a woman since you asked . We don't agree and I'm ok with that.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

A friend asked your fiancé for her ex boyfriends number??? 

OMG they both deserve to be banished to an island never to be seen again!!

I understand your rule was to have no contact. But you're mad at your fiancé that someone ELSE asked her for a phone number. That is not your fiancés fault and the friend doesn't need to be shamed because of it. 

I would totally reach out to a friend for her exes info if that ex had something that I needed. And I wouldn't think twice about her current relationship because I would be asking for something to help ME that did not harm HER. 

I'm not a fan of keeping in contact with exes. I've had issues with this with my husband myself. But only ONE. He's friends with several others on facebook, we run into some of them sometimes and it's not an issue. There's only one that bothers me. And it all comes down to how I feel about each particular ex. C is a no go for me. Period. B is fine. I'm friendly with B, she's my friend on FB and she has given me absolutely ZERO indication to distrust her. My husband has given me zero indication to distrust her. 

I think that each ex needs to be looked at differently. Why did they break up? How long ago did they break up? Length of relationship, etc. I'm not saying hanging out with and texting one all the time is great for anyone, but reaching out to one that's totally harmless for a product is totally different.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

If there is one thing I have learned in 24 years of marriage it is that relationships are not black or white, they are grey. If you insist on making them black or white, you're in for much heartache.

Be a benevolent kind king, not a dictator. Otherwise you risk revolution.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

You are trying to be very controlling about how this thread goes but you asked for opinions. 

Context matters and therefore those details you don't want to share matter. If a partner has done iffy things repeatedly in the past then its understandable that one would get very upset at a minor incident because of the history with their partner. If you just isolate that one issue then most people will see you overreacting to it. 

Also, its hard to tell if its just your lack of details or if its your assumed thoughts about your exF. All your posts read as "her friend asked her for her exbf's number and I assumed the friend was being sneaky and my exF was being sneaky". 

Answers might be a little different if the text from that friend said "Don't tell your fiance because I know he doesn't want you but I want you to contact so and so for a discount for me". That could show a friend who is a bit disrespectful of your relationship especially if that friend had a history of doing so. 

But it sounds like you are assuming all these things based on your own dislike of that friend and your lack of trust for your exF.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Very true. I just find that if I had to be a dictator then it's a lack of compatibility and would be as taxing on me as it would for her.




UMP said:


> If there is one thing I have learned in 24 years of marriage it is that relationships are not black or white, they are grey. If you insist on making them black or white, you're in for much heartache.
> 
> Be a benevolent kind king, not a dictator. Otherwise you risk revolution.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

1. We've been in contact as she wants to get back together.
2. This was one of only a couple incidents where I think I over reacted (but did so because of all the other crap) and she brought it up in a recent phone call.



Peaf said:


> If you dumped her last year, why are you still concerned about this?


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

If I was dating a man who insisted I ditch a friend because she asked me for my ex's number, for something harmless, I'd ditch the bf not my friend. Too controlling for me.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

jdawg2015 said:


> I never accused her of cheating because of the message. I actually thought the "friend" was being sneaky as she wanted my fiancé to contact the guy and was assuming I was unaware that he and my exF were ex bf/gf.
> 
> I felt the friend did not respect the relationship.
> 
> ...


Her friend couldn't get this without her??? Im guessing weed, blow, mollie...sumthin like that


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

No it's fully legal. But it's not an everyday product. Involves jewellery. 




MarriedDude said:


> Her friend couldn't get this without her??? Im guessing weed, blow, mollie...sumthin like that


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

My issue when this happened was that the friend and her husband had eaten at our place many times. 

I thought it was disrespectful of the "friend" to ask my then fiancé to go contact her ex as if not even to care about how I may feel about it. I still think it was being very thoughtless of the friend and never looked at her the same again.

And, the "ex" was a married guy she met online and they had a fling for a couple months. Definitely NOT the kind of ex I would ever accept there to be contact with.



intheory said:


> I would have told my friend, "Sorry, Friend, jdawg and I have an agreement - no contacting exes. So I can't contact my ex for you. Last I knew he worked at Name of Company in Anytown, maybe you can start there?"


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> And, the "ex" was a married guy she met online and they had a fling for a couple months. Definitely NOT the kind of ex I would ever accept there to be contact with.


This is kindof a significant detail you left out!


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

It's why I thought it was very ****ty of her friend to even ask.

I actually said what I felt at the time and told her at the time that "I am forever done with <name> being involved with us and this relationship"

And I still feel the same way but my ex and I had a recent conversation and this incident came up. My feelings haven't changed but I'm trying to be objective so I asked.

In general, I feel that exes are absolutely a no contact rule and would not accept a women who stays in touch with her past unless related to children.



SecondTime'Round said:


> This is kindof a significant detail you left out!


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Funny how hard she's trying to get me to accept her back.

Trust was zeroed out and will never return for me. 



intheory said:


> I think you were completely reasonable.
> 
> But this is part of the reason that this lady is now your "ex" fiance.
> 
> Your values were not compatible. So, it's good you never got married.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Did she actually contact her ex?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

jdawg2015 said:


> Very true. I just find that if I had to be a dictator then it's a lack of compatibility and would be as taxing on me as it would for her.


Your actions are that of a dictator. You must gather all evidence in a non threatening way and then calmly make your decision with some grace. Sending them all to the guillotine without "reasonable" doubt will only result in loneliness, for you.

Don't get me wrong, a man must have boundaries, but it's not necessary to have trip wires attached to explosives at the slightest crossing, n'est pas?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

jdawg2015 said:


> And, the "ex" was a married guy she met online and they had a fling for a couple months. Definitely NOT the kind of ex I would ever accept there to be contact with.


Ok, this changes things. Sorry, did not see that.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

jdawg2015 said:


> That would have violated our explicit agreement about contact with exes.


THIS is it. She is not honest. For me and my DH, we would not have any restriction regarding exes. DH remains friends with many of his. Heck I am friends with all of them. But YOU DID. And she chose to lie and hide around that issue.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Sorry OP, but just in this thread alone you are exhibiting classic signs of a controlling abuser. 

As has been pointed out several times, your ex didn't actually contact her ex. And for you to dismiss her friend as a "friend" FOREVER is way too punitive for what actually happened. You said that the friend was 'sneaky'. But the truth is that you had NO IDEA what that friend was thinking at the time. You may THINK you know, but the truth is, you don't. You only have a suspicion, but a suspicion isn't FACT. 

Sorry OP, but if you acted this way with ME, I'd make you my EX b/f pronto because of your controlling nature. :frown2:


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Did your Ex F's friend know about the NC agreement with exes between you and Ex F? If she did, she shouldn't have asked that Ex F contact exBF. If she didn't, she gets no fault assigned to her.

I'm familiar with your posts re: Ex F and I can't blame you one single bit for putting the boundary of NC with exes in place. I would, too.

Quit chewing on this bone, though. You need to bury it.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Make sure you understand how this went down.

What happened was her "friend" sent her a whatapp msg asking my fiancé to set up a purchase with the ex. The "friend" only knew that my fiancé had the old connection and did not actually know the guy.

When she messaged my fiancé, she only referred to the guy in a way as my "fiancé's friend". 

My fiancé happened to be messaging me about something at the same time. When she got the message from her friend she copied the text to send to it her other friend "AT" and told her, so and so is asking me to contact "ex". 

But she accidently sent the copy of the text to me. And she immediately realized it and replied "oops". So the oops in my gut came across as implied guilt.

I then replied immediately about how at that point I realized the total slap in face and lack of respect by her friend and wanted her as far away from my relationship with my fiancé. 

So, to answer your question. I don't know if she would have because she accidently texted me before it really got rolling. 

I was more pissed at her friend as described earlier but had my fiancé not sent me the text by mistake I expect without fail that she would not have told me. My style, given that a friend asked for such a thing I would have told my fiancé about it because I think it should have been discussed.  



TiggyBlue said:


> Did she actually contact her ex?


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

You lack the back story regarding my ex Fiance. 
You are looking for something that's not there.

I'm not controlling at all actually. I am the one that realized she and I weren't compatible and could not accept her behavior.

While you are entitled to your opinion, you don't know me. Controlling is NOT something that would be used to describe me as a person. Add if I was, I would be one to openly admit it because I gladly take my lumps when deserved.

Calling me an abuser I actually find offensive and as quick are you are to use such an accusation, I see projection of your past being placed into other's situations. 

Lastly, the friend knew that the guy was a married fling for my exF. Maybe that's how you roll but if a woman I am with thinks she wants to have friends around who are asking her to contact such a person and dredge up past flings, knowing you're planning a wedding, was a bridge to far from me. That did not respect the relationship. It's not controlling, it's called a boundary. And by violating such a boundary I called off the relationship despite the pain and heartache. 

I was interested mostly in how women would have replied to their gf about the request. Some say depends, some say ok, some say no-way. That's the perspective I was looking for. Because for any future gf I want to make sure I understand how women view these things. From my perspective, having asked my friends at the time, it that women think it's more harmless then men. Every male friend I have told me, "sounds like her friend needs to go". 

That was the only time I ever made a clear boundary on one of her friends. And to be honest, I stand by it and would not change a thing about it.

You ladies focused on my response. But, I intended to not rehash my entire deal with my exF but feel free to read my post about it. I have only created a small number of posts on TAM, mostly I reply.




Vega said:


> Sorry OP, but just in this thread alone you are exhibiting classic signs of a controlling abuser.
> 
> As has been pointed out several times, your ex didn't actually contact her ex. And for you to dismiss her friend as a "friend" FOREVER is way too punitive for what actually happened. You said that the friend was 'sneaky'. But the truth is that you had NO IDEA what that friend was thinking at the time. You may THINK you know, but the truth is, you don't. You only have a suspicion, but a suspicion isn't FACT.
> 
> Sorry OP, but if you acted this way with ME, I'd make you my EX b/f pronto because of your controlling nature. :frown2:


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

You lack the back story regarding my ex Fiance. 
You are looking for something that's not there.

I'm not controlling at all actually. I am the one that realized she and I weren't compatible and could not accept her behavior.

While you are entitled to your opinion, you don't know me. Controlling is NOT something that would be used to describe me as a person. Add if I was, I would be one to openly admit it because I gladly take my lumps when deserved.

Calling me an abuser I actually find offensive and as quick are you are to use such an accusation, I see projection of your past being placed into other's situations. 

Lastly, the friend knew that the guy was a married fling for my exF. Maybe that's how you roll but if a woman I am with thinks she wants to have friends around who are asking her to contact such a person and dredge up past flings, knowing you're planning a wedding, was a bridge to far from me. That did not respect the relationship. It's not controlling, it's called a boundary. And by violating such a boundary I called off the relationship despite the pain and heartache. This incident was part of a far bigger picture, not the only item going on.

I was interested mostly in how women would have replied to their gf about the request. Some say depends, some say ok, some say no-way. That's the perspective I was looking for. Because for any future gf I want to make sure I understand how women view these things. From my perspective, having asked my friends at the time, it that women think it's more harmless then men. Every male friend I have told me, "sounds like her friend needs to go". 

That was the only time I ever made a clear boundary on one of her friends. And to be honest, I stand by it and would not change a thing about it.

You ladies focused on my response. But, I intended to not rehash my entire deal with my exF but feel free to read my post about it. I have only created a small number of posts on TAM, mostly I reply.




Vega said:


> Sorry OP, but just in this thread alone you are exhibiting classic signs of a controlling abuser.
> 
> As has been pointed out several times, your ex didn't actually contact her ex. And for you to dismiss her friend as a "friend" FOREVER is way too punitive for what actually happened. You said that the friend was 'sneaky'. But the truth is that you had NO IDEA what that friend was thinking at the time. You may THINK you know, but the truth is, you don't. You only have a suspicion, but a suspicion isn't FACT.
> 
> Sorry OP, but if you acted this way with ME, I'd make you my EX b/f pronto because of your controlling nature. :frown2:


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

You need to read the whole backstory. The trip wires came about because of other boundaries she's was crossing.

I know it's great pastime on TAM to gang up and think you've got in nailed down but my mistake was hanging on too long thinking my exF would change. I should have cut her loose way sooner and have been using TAM to reflect on how I almost married a monster.

Far more evidence beyond this. Think for a second, why would we have had to have a clear boundary about no contact of exes in the first place? :wink2:



UMP said:


> Your actions are that of a dictator. You must gather all evidence in a non threatening way and then calmly make your decision with some grace. Sending them all to the guillotine without "reasonable" doubt will only result in loneliness, for you.
> 
> Don't get me wrong, a man must have boundaries, but it's not necessary to have trip wires attached to explosives at the slightest crossing, n'est pas?


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I've been in contact with her, we've gone to dinner a couple times and still exchange texts. This incident came up in a recent conversation so I posted.

Make no mistake, I was in love with her (feeling is now gone) and wanted to marry her but she and I are definitely not compatible so the bone is staying buried. She has even told me that some of her girlfriends have told her that NO guy will accept some of the things she was doing and can't believe some of the things she did. Too little too late. 




lucy999 said:


> Did your Ex F's friend know about the NC agreement with exes between you and Ex F? If she did, she shouldn't have asked that Ex F contact exBF. If she didn't, she gets no fault assigned to her.
> 
> I'm familiar with your posts re: Ex F and I can't blame you one single bit for putting the boundary of NC with exes in place. I would, too.
> 
> Quit chewing on this bone, though. You need to bury it.


----------



## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Vega said:


> Sorry OP, but just in this thread alone you are exhibiting classic signs of a controlling abuser.
> 
> As has been pointed out several times, your ex didn't actually contact her ex. And for you to dismiss her friend as a "friend" FOREVER is way too punitive for what actually happened. You said that the friend was 'sneaky'. But the truth is that you had NO IDEA what that friend was thinking at the time. You may THINK you know, but the truth is, you don't. You only have a suspicion, but a suspicion isn't FACT.
> 
> Sorry OP, but if you acted this way with ME, I'd make you my EX b/f pronto because of your controlling nature.


Yup, classic abuser. He's even trying to control how I post and what information I give out in other threads. All because I disagreed with him on something.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Celes, you have a whole host of TAM threads where you are being argumentative and abrasive to posters and invoking people to want to insult you. I would appreciate you not reply to this thread as your post is an over attempt at baiting after myself and others noted your replying style. You're hostile.

You don't even have the slightest hint at what or who I am.

It's obvious you don't get along well with others.

The words "grow up" comes to mind...



Celes said:


> Yup, classic abuser. He's even trying to control how I post and what information I give out in other threads. All because I disagreed with him on something.


----------



## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> Celes, you have a whole host of TAM threads where you are being argumentative and abrasive to posters and invoking people to want to insult you. I would appreciate you not reply to this thread as your post is an over attempt at baiting after myself and others noted your replying style. You're hostile.
> 
> You don't even have the slightest hint at what or who I am.
> 
> ...


I've got a perfect idea of who you are. You keep complaining that I'm baiting, and yet you keep responding to me. Keep trying to force me to comply. Keep trying to get me to stop posting. You kept trying to twist my words in the other thread no matter how much I explained myself. It has everything to do with your controlling tendencies.


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Go look at all your own posts and see just how many times you've been entangled in arguments with posters on multiple threads. You're hostile, abrasive, and if someone counters your points you get angry and tell them off.  Some of your posts the very first sentence is always a poke in the eye. It's not constructive in the least.

And you've now been called out by 5-6 other posters for the same thing I am. You see the trend? Your posting style is VERY hostile and I suspect you have issues getting along with others in the real world. It jumps right off the screen. 

I avoid arguments on TAM and if I find myself getting sucked into someone like you trying to bait I catch myself and move along. What you can't accept is that not everyone agrees with you. You seem very immature and childish and lack a certain.... mmm, word I want to use is 'intellect' that I can relate too. 

You want to say I'm controlling, fine. I am quite self-aware of my faults and that's not one of them. My intention in the thread was to see how women view contacting exes and how they'd handle a gf asking them to contact an ex for them such as in my situation.




Celes said:


> I've got a perfect idea of who you are. You keep complaining that I'm baiting, and yet you keep responding to me. Keep trying to force me to comply. Keep trying to get me to stop posting. You kept trying to twist my words in the other thread no matter how much I explained myself. It has everything to do with your controlling tendencies.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

jdawg2015 said:


> I dumped her last year.
> 
> The insecurities began from her on day 1. But I think from her end it was projection.
> 
> ...


There are really only two reasons why people implement such rules in a relationship:

1) they've been burned by this type of thing before, thus making them insecure

2) their mind works in exactly that way, thus they project it on to you, often in a very extreme manner. After all, if THEY think that way, then everybody else probably does, too.

My ex wife did exactly this. Right off the bat with her, it was comments to me in regards to "If you ever cheat on me..." or "Throw away those pictures" or "Who was THAT???", often with thinly veiled threats of what would happen.

And guess what? She cheated and ended the relationship. And got back in touch with an ex BF, and, and, and...

Kind of sounds like the ExF in this story was the latter, as mine was.


----------



## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

jdawg2015 said:


> I was asking how women would have handled the situation.
> 
> .


I would have been irritated if the friend had asked my H to contact an exGF because, and this is only based on MY experience, when people behave with so little tact, they usually have an agenda.

However, your ex-fiancee did nothing wrong. She was supposed to be on the receiving end of a text message so there's no justification for getting angry with her.

Sounds more like the friend was trying to stir up some trouble...


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

jdawg2015 said:


> Funny how hard she's trying to get me to accept her back.
> 
> Trust was zeroed out and will never return for me.


I'm not sure why you trusted her in the first place, knowing that her ex was a married dude she had a fling with. (I read that correctly, right?)

Furthermore, you're still clinging to some glimmer of hope that this will work out, simply by still being in contact with her (and you also more or less said exactly that). Why? Why even entertain that thought?


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Omego said:


> I would have been irritated if the friend had asked my H to contact an exGF because, and this is only based on MY experience, when people behave with so little tact, they usually have an agenda.
> 
> However, your ex-fiancee did nothing wrong. She was supposed to be on the receiving end of a text message so there's no justification for getting angry with her.
> 
> Sounds more like the friend was trying to stir up some trouble...


Suppose your husbands friend knew what the exGf was a fling with her and she was married at the time and that you had met and knew his friend pretty well.

What would you say to your husband if you found out like I did? 

Would you still accept the friend or be cool to them?


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

nooooooo. Definitely not going to let it rekindle. She's texted a lot and we've had discussion about why it didn't work. 

I knew NOTHING about her flings and past until long into the relationship. After the inappropriate texts, lunches, etc I started getting more information. Eventually got her phone and uncovered the motherload of truth, especially her chatting with a gf about how I did not know that one of her guy "friends" was actually and ex but that now he was just a friend and didn't want to have to tell me and boot the "friend" kinda stuff.

I'm sure you probably remember my thread if you read it again.




alexm said:


> I'm not sure why you trusted her in the first place, knowing that her ex was a married dude she had a fling with. (I read that correctly, right?)
> 
> Furthermore, you're still clinging to some glimmer of hope that this will work out, simply by still being in contact with her (and you also more or less said exactly that). Why? Why even entertain that thought?


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

Save your self marriage
If this already makes you want to leave then don't get married.
You partner will hurt you way more than this. People are not perfect. They have faults. You will be disappointed by your spouse a lot. You can't give up because she didn't meat your insane standards


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

jdawg2015 said:


> What would you say to your husband if you found out like I did?
> 
> Would you still accept the friend or be cool to them?


I would reiterate to my H that the friend was toxic and would not socialize with the friend.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> Go look at all your own posts and see just how many times you've been entangled in arguments with posters on multiple threads. You're hostile, abrasive, and if someone counters your points you get angry and tell them off. Some of your posts the very first sentence is always a poke in the eye. It's not constructive in the least.
> 
> And you've now been called out by 5-6 other posters for the same thing I am. You see the trend? Your posting style is VERY hostile and I suspect you have issues getting along with others in the real world. It jumps right off the screen.
> 
> ...


Here's the thing. I don't care if you don't like my posting style. You've mentioned it several times, so why don't you just ignore them? I'm not going to change how I post. I don't care if a few people don't like them. I disagree with you that I get into it with everyone. It's only been you and one other person. And that's because he called me an idiot. 

You keep repeating that you won't get into arguments, and you won't be "baited". Yet you keep responding to me and trying to control how I post. You say you catch yourself first and then in the next sentence start throwing out petty insults. How you perceive yourself is clearly not reality.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Omego said:


> I would have been irritated if the friend had asked my H to contact an exGF because, and this is only based on MY experience, when people behave with so little tact, they usually have an agenda.
> 
> However, your ex-fiancee did nothing wrong. She was supposed to be on the receiving end of a text message so there's no justification for getting angry with her.
> 
> Sounds more like the friend was trying to stir up some trouble...


This is why we've been asking you to look at YOUR side in this. Not because either of you was right or wrong, but because of your assumption of guilt. And not because we care if she was guilty, but because we care about you and don't want you taking that proclivity with you to the next relationship. 

In hindsight better to have not dated a woman willing to/capable of dating a married man, yes? 

She's a mess, that's given. But you do show all the signs of an insecure person, despite your protestations to the contrary. I think people are just asking you to look a little more into that. So that YOU can be happy.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I would also suggest that your continued contact with your ex-fiancée is providing some emotional payoff for you. Do you still feel a need to somehow prove to her, and yourself, that you are right and she was wrong? Is this about punishing her? Or are you just really attracted to the level of drama that this relationship clearly provided and aren't quite ready to let go of it entirely?

The healthiest thing you can do would be to cut off contact with her. You say you'll go no-contact _once you get into a new relationship_. But I think it would be much healthier and far better for you to go no-contact now. See if you can live without an outside source of drama and conflict in your life. Stop focusing and worrying about her and what went right and how wrong she was. Let go of the security blanket of blame and focus on yourself. Get comfortable being alone. Get good with yourself and your life. _Then_ you'll be ready to be an emotionally stable and healthy partner, for an emotionally stable and healthy adult woman. And you'll be far, far, less likely to choose women - and get to the point of engagement with them - who are high-conflict, untrustworthy, have crappy boundaries, that you feel the need to monitor, and who are a source of continual drama.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Rowan said:


> The healthiest thing you can do would be to cut off contact with her. You say you'll go no-contact _once you get into a new relationship_.


I guess I missed that part. @jdawg2015: if we were dating (but not in a relationship yet) and I knew you felt this way, I'd next you in a heartbeat. Not healthy at all. Indeed, you _are_ still chewing on that bone. Why? Are you guys having sex? What's the benefit for you?


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I did assume guilt, but it was because of all the other things she had been doing so it felt like "here we go again". The "opps" is what came across to me as implied guilt.

I'm curious as to why you say I'm insecure? After I came to TAM I've spent time trying to really figure out the different views of people in relationships.

My gfs before my fiancé have all been socially more conservative as that is more my style. The reason why I've stuck around here is looking at how people got into their situations and how they had signs of trouble to come and ignored them and/or how to nurture a relationship effectively with communication and actions. 



turnera said:


> This is why we've been asking you to look at YOUR side in this. Not because either of you was right or wrong, but because of your assumption of guilt. And not because we care if she was guilty, but because we care about you and don't want you taking that proclivity with you to the next relationship.
> 
> In hindsight better to have not dated a woman willing to/capable of dating a married man, yes?
> 
> She's a mess, that's given. But you do show all the signs of an insecure person, despite your protestations to the contrary. I think people are just asking you to look a little more into that. So that YOU can be happy.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

jdawg2015 said:


> I've been in contact with her, we've gone to dinner a couple times and still exchange texts. This incident came up in a recent conversation so I posted.
> 
> Make no mistake, I was in love with her (feeling is now gone) and wanted to marry her but she and I are definitely not compatible so the bone is staying buried. She has even told me that some of her girlfriends have told her that NO guy will accept some of the things she was doing and can't believe some of the things she did. Too little too late.



You both have a NC with ex's policy yet you are still in contact with each other and going to dinner as ex's. Maybe you two should just get back together, seems like a pretty good match.


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I have definitely not slept with her. But I felt no harm in chit chat or going for quick bite with her. My friend told me, "if you start going out with her again I don't want to hear one word about her because you know what you're in for". HAHAHAHAHA. So true, so true.

Only gone on couple dates with some ladies and not really wanting to get into a relationship just yet. Timing is bad for me as I'm traveling a lot. 

What was different about her is I thought she was the one and were very close to the wedding. I got fooled and waited too long to pull the plug as I have every sign that she was a time bomb and not worth the risk. What I have gotten out of the conversations is actually just more confirmation of the same. She wants to continue and try again but that ship has sailed and I told her so.

I do think it's best for me to just cut her 100% from my life immediately and will follow that advice.




lucy999 said:


> I guess I missed that part. @jdawg2015: if we were dating (but not in a relationship yet) and I knew you felt this way, I'd next you in a heartbeat. Not healthy at all. Indeed, you _are_ still chewing on that bone. Why? Are you guys having sex? What's the benefit for you?


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Neither of us is actively seeing anyone else.
That NC agreement was based on a discussion her and I had and she was the one who initiated it (but did not follow).

Is there a reason for the snark?



Holland said:


> You both have a NC with ex's policy yet you are still in contact with each other and going to dinner as ex's. Maybe you two should just get back together, seems like a pretty good match.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

No snark (good word BTW) just pointing out the irony.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Totally agree.

I definitely don't want the drama. We have only gone to dinner twice and we text maybe once or twice a week for a while. She says she misses me, blah, blah, blah. If I'm being honest I do get an ego boost out of it that she blew it. 

I've always been a gym rat but really ramped it up after we parted ways. At first after breaking up it was hard to be together and then bang it was over. Was almost like my divorce again so I quickly learned to fill me time.

Heartache is now gone. What I have done since then is make sure I know what I am really looking for in a partner before I even THINK of getting into another relationship with someone.




Rowan said:


> OP, I would also suggest that your continued contact with your ex-fiancée is providing some emotional payoff for you. Do you still feel a need to somehow prove to her, and yourself, that you are right and she was wrong? Is this about punishing her? Or are you just really attracted to the level of drama that this relationship clearly provided and aren't quite ready to let go of it entirely?
> 
> The healthiest thing you can do would be to cut off contact with her. You say you'll go no-contact _once you get into a new relationship_. But I think it would be much healthier and far better for you to go no-contact now. See if you can live without an outside source of drama and conflict in your life. Stop focusing and worrying about her and what went right and how wrong she was. Let go of the security blanket of blame and focus on yourself. Get comfortable being alone. Get good with yourself and your life. _Then_ you'll be ready to be an emotionally stable and healthy partner, for an emotionally stable and healthy adult woman. And you'll be far, far, less likely to choose women - and get to the point of engagement with them - who are high-conflict, untrustworthy, have crappy boundaries, that you feel the need to monitor, and who are a source of continual drama.


----------



## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

jdawg2015 said:


> In my case my insecurity was my gut telling me she was not marriage material.
> 
> Again, I wish people would focus SPECIFICALLY on the case of a friend asking you to contact your ex bf. There are two parts to this. One, do you think that person is a good friend considering it's disrespectful to the relationship and two, would you decline or contact the ex.


I read to this post and can't go on. Based on what I've read so far, my gut tells me, you're a control freak at home and trying to be one here too.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> Looking for replies by LADIES only please.
> 
> I had a situation with my exFiance in which one day she accidently texted me a message. The message was one of her gf's asking her if she could get my fiances ex bf's number as a way to get a discount on a certain product as an ongoing thing. Immediately after sending the text she replied "oops", I had intended to send it to "AT" and show what she was asking me to do.


Normal crap, don't get your pants in a knot.

Common for many women to ask around to get friends and social discounts - that's what is part of "social community". those in the know and with swing get "mana" or rank, from what they can get for/out of others.

Question really is how did you get _forwarded_ such a message.
If it was a "wrong send" you would have got your F's reply, not the original message.
If she forwarded it wrong, was she forwarding it to the ex-bf, and thus send it to bf (instead of ex-bf). If so time to start thinking whether she's in love with you or the idea of you (or idea of a bf/husband, and you're convenient). Could be when she tried to recall the ex-bf's number she didn't remember it and put yours in because that was bf's number.

Either way you're only real doubt is whether she loves you for you.

affairs and past contact of "connections" nature is normal in the "social heirachy" (that's why the keeping a network of ex-bf's etc, and downgrading friends who don't have excellent providing husbands, is a key process in it's organisation. Welcome to your modern world.)


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

This is to be expected with the TAM band wagon brigade but thanks for your post! 

I'm guessing you have not read the whole thread and additional details nor understand the backstory.

I took a tiny snippet of a much bigger picture. I should add the additional details to the OP but I won't because it's interesting that people don't ask for any additional details and POUNCE and I am finding the replies interesting. The focus of the topic, in my mind, was how would you deal with the friend going forward knowing that she was pushing you to contact an ex despite the agreement. Everything else I wanted to strip away because I already know what I wanted. But by stating the question I was trying to get answered specifically, that is being labled as controlling. Brilliant!
Definitely not the logic I follow

Even when I go back and read my own OP, if someone else had posted it I would have asked several questions. Because without that, I think a reader can't really ascertain what was going on.

1. Why did you guys decide to have NC with exes?
2. Have either partner had a history of cheating past of present?
3. Boundary issues?
4. Trust issues?

Food for thought.

Happy reading: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confirmation_bias







Haiku said:


> I read to this post and can't go on. Based on what I've read so far, my gut tells me, you're a control freak at home and trying to be one here too.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jdawg2015 said:


> I did assume guilt, but it was because of all the other things she had been doing so it felt like "here we go again". The "opps" is what came across to me as implied guilt.
> 
> I'm curious as to why you say I'm insecure? After I came to TAM I've spent time trying to really figure out the different views of people in relationships.


Well, my first clue is how vehemently you defend yourself. Secure people don't need to. They can even laugh at themselves, but they don't last out at posters.

The second clue was that it's still bugging you what she did, how she did it, and in what ways you can blame her.

I could go on, but it's late.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I actually do laugh at myself. 

It's why I joke often about being part of the land of misfit toys and making a bad partner choice.

However, what I realized after going through what I did was that dating later in life means you have to be much more firm in deciding what you want. I really was lost on how to handle boundaries once things got to the point I was on TAM and how to deal with her. Being older and most of us having more of past than we getting married in your early 20s is totally different.

I also realized the mistake I made by trying to convince her to my view. Either she accepts or not and if doesn't work move on. I stayed in it too long trying to make it work. 

In reality, I will never knowingly keep a woman around that had a fling with married man again so that problem won't repeat. I'll never trust or respect her. :wink2:



turnera said:


> Well, my first clue is how vehemently you defend yourself. Secure people don't need to. They can even laugh at themselves, but they don't last out at posters.
> 
> The second clue was that it's still bugging you what she did, how she did it, and in what ways you can blame her.
> 
> I could go on, but it's late.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Couple things here. 

1. You seem upset that the friend would ask your ex to contact her ex in the first place. 

2. You seem upset your ex wasn't open about her friends request because you rather found out through a mistext. 

I cannot and would not find myself upset at either because:

1. Unless the friend is a mind reader or intimately familiar with your and your ex's agreement, she has no clue to not disrespect it.

2. Unless your ex actually contacted her ex as a result of the friend's request, she didn't break your agreement, based on what I read.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm confused.

Why have this NC rule with an ex?

I could see it with a current SO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

This was during the time we were together. I broke it off with her.

Recent discussion with my exF brought it up



ConanHub said:


> I'm confused.
> 
> Why have this NC rule with an ex?
> 
> ...


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jdawg2015 said:


> This was during the time we were together. I broke it off with her.
> 
> Recent discussion with my exF brought it up


Well, I feel what you're saying then.

She sounds like she must have cheated or had some shyt boundaries with you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Not just me either. She's a serial cheat I've come to find out. I was the first guy who really called her out on it and challenged her. But as the relationship evolved and I saw her BS, I started to push back.

She should seriously NEVER marry. Lord have mercy on whoever she fools to do so. I think she likes the idea of marriage then gets off on the thrill of the next new budding relationship. 

I also think she has signs of BPD. She did a great job of hiding things in the beginning.



ConanHub said:


> Well, I feel what you're saying then.
> 
> She sounds like she must have cheated or had some shyt boundaries with you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

The ex was a fling with a married guy. Sorry but I can't agree with you and I suspect most men would feel the same way. 

Friend knew the whole details of my exes past with the guy and I do think it was a crap request. That's not a friend.

I actually stand behind my actions. I accept that some women think exes are harmless. A woman like that who stays chummy with exes would be given the heave ho for sure. Too many women out there more solid than that.



Satya said:


> Couple things here.
> 
> 1. You seem upset that the friend would ask your ex to contact her ex in the first place.
> 
> ...


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

I love how OP posted this thread to supposedly get women's point of view, then proceeds to argue with them all. I suspect that the true purpose of this thread has nothing to do with gaining perspective on the situation. It's just another means to continue the argument.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

jdawg2015 said:


> The ex was a fling with a married guy. Sorry but I can't agree with you and I suspect most men would feel the same way.
> 
> Friend knew the whole details of my exes past with the guy and I do think it was a crap request. That's not a friend.
> 
> I actually stand behind my actions. I accept that some women think exes are harmless. A woman like that who stays chummy with exes would be given the heave ho for sure. Too many women out there more solid than that.


First of all, you don't know how "most" men would feel. You only know how YOU feel about it, and that SOME men would probably feel the same way. That means that other men...wouldn't.

Secondly, it may have been a "crap request" but it may have been a _negligent_ crap request. The friend may not have even realized the magnitude of what she was asking of your ex at the time. In all honesty, I think your decision to write her off was over-the-top. Would have been better for you to TALK to her about how you felt, without blowing up.

Last of all, if you stand by your actions then why did you even bother asking women for their opinion in the first place?


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Vega, please don't be coy. 

I have many friends and when I was going through the relationship I would ask them the same questions.

Without fail, those knowing what was going on and all the facts said it was fu<ked up of the friend. 

You ladies have gone so far off track it doesn't matter. I wanted another perspective. Doesn't mean just because 100 women say it's ok that I would change my mind. But some of you don't get it.

Not here to prove anything to anyone. I just wanted the see the other side. I do believe that women tend to minimize these things as more harmless than the are.

I only have a few rigid boundaries and if I'm in a relationship, reaching back to exes is a definite deal breaker.



Vega said:


> First of all, you don't know how "most" men would feel. You only know how YOU feel about it, and that SOME men would probably feel the same way. That means that other men...wouldn't.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

There are so many people (myself included) on TAM with their biggest issue being that they either didn't set boundaries, or did, and then did nothing as those boundaries were trampled all over. 

Jdawg, it sounds like you made the right decision for you, and there is nothing wrong with that.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think you dodged a bullet, jdawg. I somewhat agree with others in that it seemed like you were both a bit dramatic at times, but sounds like she liked drama, and that will not play out well if you were to marry her. lol So...she's an ex for a reason, and if you feel good about your decision, then that's all that should matter.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I definitely dodged a bullet.

My problem was how I responded to her bull****. I was a mixed bag. Some things I totally handled wrong and others spot on.

But for this incident, I think of it as a "near miss". Do I think she may have texted the guy and get the friend set up? Yup. So fact I didn't trust her should be more than enough to dump her.

I seriously just wanted perspective on how I would handle this in the future. She sent the message by mistake and realized it so it's not like I could keep my mouth shut and just monitor to see if she contacted him or not. From my end I could never respect that "friend" again. Some of the replies here would put people in a conundrum as this would not be one of the things I could just let go.

Another issue I had was she had a high school classmate who was dating a married guy in full blown affair. (birds of a feather??) I told her I did not want to be around the drama and would not go to dinner with them or associate with them. Totally not my style. She threw a fit and said I am being judgemental and it's none of my business. I told her she was free to go but count me out. She was furious and said I guess you won't accept my friends then. LOL. She was right!





*Deidre* said:


> I think you dodged a bullet, jdawg. I somewhat agree with others in that it seemed like you were both a bit dramatic at times, but sounds like she liked drama, and that will not play out well if you were to marry her. lol So...she's an ex for a reason, and if you feel good about your decision, then that's all that should matter.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

jdawg2015 said:


> I definitely dodged a bullet.
> 
> My problem was how I responded to her bull****. I was a mixed bag. Some things I totally handled wrong and others spot on.
> 
> ...


lol

I'm of the firm belief that if you're with the 'right' person, all this drama just doesn't go on. The need to question, check phones, second guess their answers, etc...it just simply doesn't happen when you have found the right person. You will find that right person, someday.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

jdawg2015 said:


> The ex was a fling with a married guy. Sorry but I can't agree with you and I suspect most men would feel the same way.
> 
> Friend knew the whole details of my exes past with the guy and I do think it was a crap request. That's not a friend.
> 
> I actually stand behind my actions. I accept that some women think exes are harmless. A woman like that who stays chummy with exes would be given the heave ho for sure. Too many women out there more solid than that.


You're not asking for input then. You're asking for validation. And since I'm not a mind reader and you repeatedly say the specifics aren't important, then fall back on contextual knowledge we cannot possibly be privy to, I stand by the response I gave, which was in line with your original request.


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