# Sexy Nightie - No Action



## scaredykat (Feb 11, 2014)

We went to the Casino for the weekend. I bought a nightie hoping to get lucky since the last time we were both sick. (Btw we've only been married 4 months and this was the second time we went somewhere together-no honeymoon). He usually is the one that actually initiates sex because I have tried before and gotten turned down.

Back to the nightie...debated about putting it on because I didn't want to seem like I was begging but did it anyway. Stupid! He seemed to like it and made comments and played with the g-string. Then watched a movie and fell asleep. How am I supposed to feel and how do I even say anything? I am older than him and now I am really doubting how he feels about me. I feel I am totally undesirable to him. I am so hurt. What do I do? I am to the point I don't even want to have sex because what is he thinking....is he pitying me? He says he is not that interested in sex but his body tells me different. Not that it did last night.

Any advice?


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

Oh man. These kinds of posts just tear me up. As a man in a six-year sexless drought of 26 year marriage, I can only say I do NOT understand men who ignore these efforts. I can only praise you for your effort. There is nothing wrong with you, you get big kudos. There is something wrong on the other end. I hope this all resolves. It shouldn't be this way, for ANYone!!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

How is your sex life generally? Does this kind of thing happen a lot?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

4 months married and he's not interested in sex. He'd rather watch a movie and fall asleep rather than play with you in your nightie. 

That says a lot, and it's not good.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

scaredykat said:


> He says he is not that interested in sex but his body tells me different. Not that it did last night.
> 
> Any advice?


I assume you meant he sometimes gets an erection when you said "but his body tells me different". But an erection by itself really doesn't tell you anything. (IE: a man with an erection coming at you and explicitly wanting sex means something).

If a person tells you directly that they are not that interested in sex, you should believe them. This is something nearly every truly LD person says to describe themselves. If you haven't already done so, you should start reading up on sexual mismatches.

Did you mean something else by "body tells me something different"?


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

A younger male marries an older woman. Perhaps, he thought he would marry someone older and "wiser" thinking you have far less expectations from him. Unlike "younger" girls who are demanding, you wouldn't. I also wonder he sees you as his "mother" who looks after him and take good care of his home.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Is he straight? 4 months in and his wife is standing in front of him in a nightie and he chooses a movie? Something is off.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I assume you meant he sometimes gets an erection when you said "but his body tells me different". But an erection by itself really doesn't tell you anything. (IE: a man with an erection coming at you and explicitly wanting sex means something).
> 
> If a person tells you directly that they are not that interested in sex, you should believe them.


First, I only get an erection when i'm turned on. Put an ugly naked woman in front of me will not give me an erection. My wife naked in front of me will.

Second, she should believe him when he says he isnt interested in sex. However, I wouldnt automatically assume/believe the reason is because of LD. It may be he has a normal drive, but he is LD for her.

I came here to TAM because I was trying to figure out why my wife was LD. Turns out she was only LD to me.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Sounds like a typical LD. For what ever reason he just does not like sex all that much. 

Maybe he has some particular unusual issue with conditions like perhaps hotel rooms are too public or maybe he is turned off by a woman who initiates. But more than likely he just only wants sex when he wants it and does not really think about your needs. 

You are going to need to set him straight on his obligation to meet your minimum needs or you are going to be in for years of this.


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## lisad45 (Feb 21, 2014)

scaredykat said:


> We went to the Casino for the weekend. I bought a nightie hoping to get lucky since the last time we were both sick. (Btw we've only been married 4 months and this was the second time we went somewhere together-no honeymoon). He usually is the one that actually initiates sex because I have tried before and gotten turned down.
> 
> Back to the nightie...debated about putting it on because I didn't want to seem like I was begging but did it anyway. Stupid! He seemed to like it and made comments and played with the g-string. Then watched a movie and fell asleep. How am I supposed to feel and how do I even say anything? I am older than him and now I am really doubting how he feels about me. I feel I am totally undesirable to him. I am so hurt. What do I do? I am to the point I don't even want to have sex because what is he thinking....is he pitying me? He says he is not that interested in sex but his body tells me different. Not that it did last night.
> 
> Any advice?


Definitely talk about this with him!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

At the risk of sounding like Dr. Obvious, could it be that he's having second thoughts about the marriage and is trying to avoid being "drawn in" whatever that means? Was it a fast tracked courtship and marriage type situation?


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

Could be. Worst part of this is that you think that you'd look sexy in that special nightie (you're obviously making effort) to no effect. It must be ego-shattering. 

Have you thought about asking him what he actually likes? Men seem to be into different things. Perhaps, "nightie" may not be pressing the right button for him? He might be into leather, for example.


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## scaredykat (Feb 11, 2014)

It was not a fast tracked courtship, etc. He was after me for a year before I would even go out with him. I was happy with living with him. We really didn't talk about marriage before he asked. We had sex more before we were married. 

I know it only gets worse and have told him I don't want to me in a marriage where sex is pretty much nonexistent. I've done that before.

He turns me down if I try to initiate. And yes I worry that he thinks of me as a safe place. He hasn't had the greatest life. I have said that to him and of course he assures me that is not the case.

He says he desires me and yes I meant that he gets an erection when I said his body tells me different.

I want to talk to him about it. I've talked to him about how it makes me feel like he is not attracted to me when he turns me down. I am so hurt and I don't want to hurt his feelings that I am afraid to talk to him. I do feel like he has issues with sex but he won't really talk about them.

I haven't asked what he likes.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

How is Porn use and masturbation?


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## scaredykat (Feb 11, 2014)

None. I think some of this is the way he was raised. There have always been people around so he has not had a lot of privacy from what I can tell. He is very private about our sex life and doesn't want me talking to anyone in his "adoptive" family about it. He also has not had a lot of people he could trust. His sister had sex with his last girlfriend. 

I just want him. The sex is awesome and makes me want more. I try to be patient and he knew I would be expecting it this past weekend, I guess that's what hurts the most.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I feel so sad for you....you are in my thoughts and prayers......he may have a porn issue. A lot of men masturbate in the shower. Don't shame him if that might be the case..Men, even my Dh at 44 has a HD and loves to view female nudity...he has over the years talked to me about his struggle and I DO NOT JUDGE him....

Has your DH endured any new trauma's? Job loss/promotion/a new baby/your job loss/promotion/his parents' health issues positive or negative/ death.......a lot of outside issues can make your DH drive go way down......for example when my DH is very stressed he has almost NO drive and mine is the opposite...threw the roof...it's all about balance and communication and learning about that wonderful man you married.....Hold Strong... you are not alone..


Blessings


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

scaredykat said:


> We really didn't talk about marriage before he asked. We had sex more before we were married.
> 
> *I know it only gets worse **and have told him I don't want to me in a marriage where sex is pretty much nonexistent*. I've done that before.
> 
> ...


Hi

I doubt he's going to tell you much based on what you said about him in your post. I'm sure you are his "safe place" particularly, given his background. That's OK but no sex is a sign that there's something not quite right. 

When a man withholds sex over some time, usually (if not always), there's something he's not happy about at home. He probably denies that too.

What worries me is that he seems like a quiet type, who keeps his thoughts to himself and not sharing much with you. In this case, nobody knows what he's been up to when you're not looking. If he's much younger than you, I'm sure he has opportunities and he has needs. Where is he meeting these needs? If he's been seeing someone else, that explains why he doesn't particularly need to do it at home.

Best not to "ask him" if he's seeing someone else. He will deny anyway...


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

No, some people just do not think about sex all the time. There are countless examples of that posted on this forum.


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## scaredykat (Feb 11, 2014)

I don't believe he is cheating. There are too many people he is with that would know and then it would get back to me. He is just not that type of person. The part that is frustrating is that I have to argue with him to find out how he is feeling.

But I don't think he is always honest with himself about his feelings either. He is prone to depression at times.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

scaredykat said:


> I don't believe he is cheating. There are too many people he is with that would know and then it would get back to me. He is just not that type of person. The part that is frustrating is that I have to argue with him to find out how he is feeling.
> 
> But I don't think he is always honest with himself about his feelings either. He is prone to depression at times.


I sometimes have a hard time pinning myself down to discover how I am feeling. And as a note, I find that I turn the anger feelings inward and that turns into depression. Since I know this, when I feel depressed I search for the source of my anger .. but sometimes it is not so easy.

You know him best, and everybody is different.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

scaredykat said:


> We went to the Casino for the weekend. I bought a nightie hoping to get lucky since the last time we were both sick. (Btw we've only been married 4 months and this was the second time we went somewhere together-no honeymoon). He usually is the one that actually initiates sex because I have tried before and gotten turned down.
> 
> Back to the nightie...debated about putting it on because I didn't want to seem like I was begging but did it anyway. Stupid! He seemed to like it and made comments and played with the g-string. Then watched a movie and fell asleep. How am I supposed to feel and how do I even say anything? I am older than him and now I am really doubting how he feels about me. I feel I am totally undesirable to him. I am so hurt. What do I do? I am to the point I don't even want to have sex because what is he thinking....is he pitying me? He says he is not that interested in sex but his body tells me different. Not that it did last night.
> 
> Any advice?


Does he harbor any resentment towards you.....


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

fightforher said:


> I sometimes have a hard time pinning myself down to discover how I am feeling. And as a note, I find that I turn the anger feelings inward and that turns into depression. Since I know this, when I feel depressed I search for the source of my anger .. but sometimes it is not so easy.
> 
> You know him best, and everybody is different.


Maybe that is it..he is struggling with depression...read and look up the symptoms online. Get him to his doc for a work up..now a days there are so many therapists/drugs/treatments for people that struggle with depression...DO NOT SHAME HIM. As hard as it is for you, be patient.....if he is struggling with depression, as a man he will be very embarrassed. Be the loving wife he needs in a very dark time in his life. This situation may actually be a positive in your relationship...

Blessings


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