# Sudden emotional detachment + separation



## cjovejo (Mar 17, 2014)

I'm going through the hardest 2 months of my life, and I'd love some advice. My wife and I have been married 7 years (11 together total). International relationship to start off with (made it through 3 years) before she moved to the US so we could be together. As of a month and a half ago I noticed she was spending way more time on her phone than normal, and taking more time in the bathroom. When I called her out on it she admitted she was having an emotional affair with the parent of her favorite student (she's a teacher). She has refused to stop the emotional affair (she claims that this is not affecting her judgement for me but rather giving her the opportunity to step back and evaluate our relationship). The other guy is going through a divorce right now. She promised to get into MC once she broke the news to me but on our first session 2 weeks ago she wouldn't commit to stopping the emotional affair and wasn't able to see a 'vision' for the two of us, so we're now each going to see individual counselors. Since then she started sleeping in the other bed, and then I finally moved out a week ago as she asked that we separate (and she couldn't stand seeing me in so much pain). She claims that she needs to work on 'herself' so that she can make a decision on what she wants to do about our relationship. And that I also should take the time to work on myself. I'm in a holding pattern which is tearing me up inside. She is the love of my life and I have shown (and will continue to show) that I'd do anything for her. It's been a month and a half now since I found out (and 1 week out of the house) and not a day goes by where I don't cry or feel absolutely torn up inside. We are seeing each other 1/week on either a dinner date with others or a coffee, and also message/email (very cordial, but the warmth left her).

Starting off with the cons in our relationship: she moved to the US for me (sacrificed a lot being away from her family), and moved twice for my career. Since the beginning of our relationship I've had performance anxiety (started off on a horrible first sexual encounter) which has led to minimal sex (she has a high appetite). It's been something that we know we've needed to address but has been so difficult we simply kept putting it on the back burner. This included no sex for about a year period, but since I started seeing a therapist for this issue (starting 3 mo ago) we have had increase in sex to 2/month, so we really were starting to make significant progress here (although not yet to the level we'd both like to be). She has always been a bit in my 'slipstream' from a career and life perspective and has had a hard time setting objectives for herself. I've encouraged her many times to be more proactive about this, and even go make friends outside of her limited circles and my friends. She is a very (almost to a fault) selfless person. Finally, through physiological fault of mine we can only have children via IVF. We've had 4 cycles and 3 miscarriages in the last 1.5 years. Finally figured out the cause of the miscarriages and have a set of embryos ready for transfer in the 'freezer'. Nevertheless the process has been really hard on us. To boot, we've had financial difficulties and have had to live with friends on and off for the past 6 months (but those are now resolved). So... lots of baggage.

That said, the pros in our relationship - we've been extremely happy together, share the same values, have a high respect for each other, love each other's families to death, have traveled the world together, hug/kiss all the time, hold hands, and generally wouldn't want to spend a minute with anyone other than ourselves. As of two moths ago she would come running into my arms when I got home from work all smiles and hugs, and every morning we'd have this amazing embrace as we woke up. We were like 2 peas in a pod. I really felt like as each day went by we were more and more in love (at least that's how I felt). People tell us we look like the ideal couple in that we're so happy together. We love all of the same things and generally have a very fulfilling life planned out. We have sacrificed a lot for each other, and are really good at the little things (always support each other, attentive to needs, clean the house, etc.) One fear though is that we might be too emotionally fused (which is a con).

That's why this emotional affair and sudden detachment and downward spiral is so painful and surprising.

I'd love anyone's advice on how to handle this situation. I know some things that will improve us are: increased differentiation, me really working on continuing to improve my sexual desire (which I 100% want to do and am working on). But my fear is that it's too late and with so much baggage we could be doomed. She's a trooper and has always been there for me, but she's in a fog now and I feel like my wife has died and been replaced with this other, colder, person. She hasn't made a decision, but my goal is to just get her into MC, realize that all of the major problems either have been fixed or have shown progress, and that I'll never stop trying to make our relationship better.

Things she has said since she broke the news about her emotional affair:
- We have had way more good times than bad
- I don't think it's going to work out
- You've been the best husband in the world
- I am certainly not going to take off my ring
- I'm so sorry for putting you through this
- I just want to look back 20 years from now and be 'at peace' with myself
- I realize that nobody can be 100% happy

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Move back home kick her out and file for divorce for starters. You will not nice her back into your life. Quit being nice. You need to shake her out of her fog. Don't cry around her don't beg her for anything, don't guilt her into staying.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Sounds like she is feeding you excuses because she is wanting to be with him and I bet she is. When people are cheating they often treat you different, usually badly. Their attitude towards you can completely change overnight practically. They will pick you to death when they are the only ones with a problem.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Move back in asap and if the other guy is married let his wife know that's the only chance you have and filing for divorce doesn't mean you have to go through with it.
I'm sure the school would not be happy with this but if you are divorcing don't tell them.
Find info on the guy where he works let his boss know what a pos he is.:lol:


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Why do you find it so difficult to have sex with your wife?

Is she unattractive?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

It's late so I can't go headlong into it but this stands out for me 



cjovejo said:


> *............ share the same values, have a high respect for each other*,


A complete misconception on your part . She's in the middle of an EA (or what you think is an ea) she will not stop seeing him. Comments (below) she 'thinks' it may not 'work out' 

And you somehow think that this is high respect for you ?!?! 
I'm sorry my friend but the reality truck is on it's way to pick you up. 



cjovejo said:


> That's why this emotional affair and sudden detachment and downward spiral is so painful and surprising.


And the above I wrote is why this is not in the least surprising




cjovejo said:


> I'd love anyone's advice on how to handle this situation. I know some things that will improve us are: increased differentiation, *me really working on continuing to improve* my sexual desire (which I 100% want to do and am working on). But my fear is that it's too late and with so much baggage we could be doomed. She's a trooper and has always been there for me, but she's in a fog now and I feel like my wife has died and been replaced with this other, colder, person. She hasn't made a decision, but my goal is to just get her into MC, realize that all of the major problems either have been fixed or have shown progress, and *that I'll never stop trying to make our relationship better.*
> 
> Things she has said since she broke the news about her emotional affair:
> - We have had way more good times than bad
> ...


I'll say this now (and a lot recently.) No man in human history ever 'niced' his wayward wife back to him. EVER 
It did not happen once. Not even once in the entire history of the human race.

If you spend a week or so perusing this site you will eventually understand this.
I'm being a little harsh on you here because you need 'shaking up' about infidelity. 
Here's you thinking it's all your fault. And guess what? She's letting you think that. High respect for you ?! Wake up. 

You need to nail her ass to the wall to let her know this is not acceptable - unless she's single, divorced and available. She should not be 'available ' whilst she's married to you!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK, first of all, this needs to be moved to the CWI section as this is definitely a case of infidelity. You will get a lot more and relevant advice there.

Here is what I see and my observations on reading what you have told us:


She is in the middle of an affair that could quite possibly have gone physical given your sexual problems, her high appetite, the length of time without sex in the past AND, wait for it, *SHE MOVED YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE so that she can carry on freely!*
She is most definitely not on the same wavelength as you or with the same set of values unless you go about lying, cheating and disrespecting her too. I am hoping this disrespect hasnt extended to having him in your marital bed now that she has moved you out. It is clear that *she does not wish to be unfaithful to him by having you around* trying things with her, which is why she sees you once a week for dinner with others there.
The POSOM is going through a divorce (I would love to find out the real story behind that) and has preyed upon his child's vulnerable and immoral teacher. So the two of them are equally bad and deserve to have their worlds blown up (not literally of course!).
She is NOT a trooper - she loves doing *some* of the things that you do and, apparently, at least one thing you don't.
Make no mistake - as much as she may try and disguise it, *she is your enemy now* and is definitely not the wife you married. That person has died and gone and you will be mourning her very soon. In the meantime, this evil doppelgänger is in her place and you must deal with her.

So what you need to do is:

*Move back into the house and into your bedroom* immediately!!! She can move out if she wants as she is the cheater!
Gather and secure as much evidence of her affair as possible. Weightlifter will be along (once you move to CWI or maybe even sooner) with advice on how to catch her out on what she is doing (with technology and techniques). You need to get a very clear picture of what is happening.
Do not ever tip your hand as to what you know exactly, prematurely. Get to a point where you are ready to confront with the whole truth.
You will never nice your way back into her heart (if you want to or not remains to be seen) - you need to go cold and dark on her. More importantly, you need to do what is called the *180* to improve and ready yourself to cope with what lies ahead, becoming stronger and better. There is a lot of reading material that others will recommend on this and related subjects.
You definitely need to be ready and prepared to lose her (even if you want to win her back later). To this end, lawyer up and *start divorce proceedings immediately*. There is no point in MC whatsoever, while the POSOM is still in the picture and she is still in the fog. Only she can come out of this by herself - you cannot make her - and she will only do this once she has hit rock bottom and also seen that you are ready to go on without her and have become a stronger (and therefore, more attractive) person. You can then decide how you want to proceed.
Mercifully (although sadly too in your case) you do not have children which will make this easier for you.
Once you have the proof and info you need and are ready to confront, *blow their worlds up by exposure*. Expose to her/your family and friends (will make the affair harder to continue), the family, workplace and friends of the POSOM especially his soon to be ex wife (talking to her could prove quite informative and useful to you).

I am also curious as to her country of origin and also to get a better understanding of what she gave up to come live with you in the USA.

Stay strong and get moving quickly - time is of the essence here so do not hesitate.


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## cjovejo (Mar 17, 2014)

Thanks folks. This isn't far from the advice that I received from my buddy who I'm staying with now. I'm going on a business/family trip (great timing?) then plan on moving back in once I'm back.

I'm hoping maybe her IC will instill some sense into what she's doing. It really is like my wife was replaced with a monster.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

cjovejo said:


> Thanks folks. This isn't far from the advice that I received from my buddy who I'm staying with now. I'm going on a business/family trip (great timing?) then plan on moving back in once I'm back.
> 
> I'm hoping maybe her IC will instill some sense into what she's doing. It really is like my wife was replaced with a monster.


I seriously doubt IC is going to change her mind. A figurative kick to the ass will.


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## theorydo (Mar 17, 2014)

You will not nice her back into your life. Quit being nice.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

What was her country of origin? Is English her first language? What language is she being counselled in?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If it really was an ea its a pa now. That ehy she has no warmth for you too. As far as she's concerned she has found true love. 

She moved you out so you wouldn't be in the way.

You may as well work on your issue but for your next wife. Whatever those issues are, quit making excuses to get hem resolved. I'm surprised she lasted this long. She has been, by definition, in a sexless marriage the whole time.


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