# Why



## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

is it so hard for him to say I love you? Why does he dole them out like a stingy banker? Why can't he just put his arms around me without me hinting around? Why can't he just come into the bedroom, he knows I am upset, and put his arms around me instead of stubbornly sitting in the living room watching Wheel of Fortune? Just sayin...


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Stop hinting and expecting him to do these things, OP, and just tell him outright what your needs are. Instead of sitting alone in the bedroom feeling upset, go into the living room and tell him that you need a hug!

Have you read the 5 Love Languages with him? If not, it's worth a try.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He's not a mind reader. Go sit next to him and tell him that you need for him to hold you.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I've found men don't respond well to hints. You have to tell them..straight up. 

When I need a hug i say " I need a hug" or I stand there with my arms WIDE open...till he comes and hugs me. If i'm sad and need attention I tell him..." I'm feeling a bit sad today I need you to hold me".

I've found with my hubby and most men...their so very happy to be there when we need them.. they love to be our hero or our rock. We just have to tell them. Don't expect him to mind read.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

You can also engage Pavlovian conditioning. When he says “I love you”, hugs you and engages in other desirable behaviors intimately reward him. Men are like dogs.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

waiwera said:


> I've found men don't respond well to hints. You have to tell them..straight up.


And after, look us straight in the eyes and say "Did you get that!" lol


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Stop hinting and expecting him to do these things, OP, and just tell him outright what your needs are. Instead of sitting alone in the bedroom feeling upset, go into the living room and tell him that you need a hug!
> 
> Have you read the 5 Love Languages with him? If not, it's worth a try.


You don't think I've done that? It's ok for a day or so and then slips right back.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

SpinDaddy said:


> You can also engage Pavlovian conditioning. When he says “I love you”, hugs you and engages in other desirable behaviors intimately reward him. Men are like dogs.



Men are like dogs..haha I love that and it's so true.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DiZ said:


> You don't think I've done that? It's ok for a day or so and then slips right back.





DiZ said:


> Men are like dogs..haha I love that and it's so true.


And when you train a puppy you have to do the same thing every time and give a treat every time until they connect the action with good things. 

He will backslide. You need to be consistent with the reinforcement. Once he gets it, then you can back off to intermittent reinforcement.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

We're not always so hot at "saying". We "do". I would prefer someone be loving than for them talk lovingly. In his mind, maybe he loves you a great deal but expresses it in his natural way...by doing things he believes demonstrate love. To him, a loving husband might work extra hours to provide for his wife. He's a guy and we define people by what they do. Baseball players play baseball. Hunters hunt. We don't value those who talk about work but we do value folks who silently work hard. We compartmentalize. If he's watching TV, he's not thinking about the relationship. He's not a woman. We are designed to think about one thing at a time. That's why we get accused of not listening so often. We can tune out the kids and all other worldly concerns and have sex at the drop of a hat. If you quietly slink off to another room and think guilt is going to drive him mad until he comes back there to check on you, you're going to be disappointed. He doesn't likely spend a second of his day pondering how even he feels about anything. Most of a man's communication is done to resolve an immediate problem. "Tell Joe to bring me an adjustable wrench and to turn that radio down." "Attack that position". "gimme a burger and a milkshake". If you want him to do something, you have to get his undivided attention and give him clear instructions. Don't assume that he doesn't love you just because you aren't hearing it. You two don't speak the same language.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Sorry Diz, but personally, I think your husband is a clueless, selfish a$$. He will not freely give out "I love you"'s because that is not his nature.. He will not freely give out hugs, because it is not something that is important to HIM. It does not benefit HIM (that he can tangibly see.) 
It is not worth the effort to HIM to have a more responsive & loving wife. I'm not just saying this from this thread. Just from other threads I've seen... I just think your husband is a selfish jerk.

Sorry.. that's just my opinion. You either accept him & relish in the few times he DOES do something nice for you/to you... Or plan out your escape. 

Of course trying to re-train him like a puppy training MIGHT work.... Good luck. You deserve to be happier.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

great question.

when you find the answer smack me upside the head with it maybe it will sink in. I also think for me at least if you say to too much I feel it loses some of its value.

I do realise that my wife probley would like to hear it more frequently also ...I going to try ....at this point in the game she might think I think she dying or something. LOL

so should I just start saying it more or should I tell her why all of the sudden I am expressing my love so much?


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> Sorry Diz, but personally, I think your husband is a clueless, selfish a$$. He will not freely give out "I love you"'s because that is not his nature.. He will not freely give out hugs, because it is not something that is important to HIM. It does not benefit HIM (that he can tangibly see.)
> It is not worth the effort to HIM to have a more responsive & loving wife. I'm not just saying this from this thread. Just from other threads I've seen... I just think your husband is a selfish jerk.
> 
> Sorry.. that's just my opinion. You either accept him & relish in the few times he DOES do something nice for you/to you... Or plan out your escape.
> ...



Give the bacon treats, ear scratching and “good boys” a try – what have you got to loose?


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> . . . . I do realise that my wife probley would like to hear it more frequently also ...I going to try ....at this point in the game she might think I think she dying or something. LOL?


*Any time is a good time to snuggle, kiss and tell the wife you love her.*


chillymorn said:


> . . . .so should I just start saying it more or should I tell her why all of the sudden I am expressing my love so much?


*If she’s anything like my wife, she’ll immediately suspect something is up and begin looking for dog-eared pages in your AutoTrader or CycleTrader magazines.

You’ll know if she finds something when she looks deep into your eyes and says “No Daddy, you may not buy another broken-down sidecar motorcycle.”

If she doesn’t find anything, she’ll still be curious and probably want to know what is up. In this case, interpretative honesty is the best policy. You should tell her you are trying to be a better husband by showing her how much you love and care for her (which is true). 

When she wants to know what brought this on you should say you saw and article on Yahoo! or Google or something. Whatever you do don’t tell her you were reading a marriage forum or read an article in Cosmo or something. She’ll immediately begin to worry either that something is wrong in the marriage and want to get counseling or think that you are contemplating a gender reassignment operation.

If played properly and because most women ultimately come to believe that men are like dogs, she will see the transparency in your ploy and will reward you for your efforts. *


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

SpinDaddy said:


> *Any time is a good time to snuggle, kiss and tell the wife you love her.*
> 
> *If she’s anything like my wife, she’ll immediately suspect something is up and begin looking for dog-eared pages in your AutoTrader or CycleTrader magazines.
> 
> ...


I hear ya all good advice.:smthumbup: roof roof!


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