# Marriage in crisis, am I a stalker?



## emotionalman (Oct 15, 2011)

I am a mess. My wife told me about a week and a half ago that she wanted to be separated. We have been together since she was young and have been married for over ten years. We have beautiful young children together. We had been having some problems - fighting a little more often but nothing huge. The arguments were usually the same: I am not involved enough and she does everything. I would say that she was always defensive around me and we weren't communicating enough. Although we were going through a rough time, the statement that she wanted to be separated took me by surprise. I asked if there was someone else and he response was that she was just talking to someone. When asked if she was attracted to him, she said "yes, but I have never crossed any lines". She said that she felt like herself finally when talking to him and that they would occasionally meet during the day to talk. I do believe what she said to me but I left that night feeling like I was destroyed. 

We have since been trying to juggle life and all of the events that we have with the kids as best as possible (it's only been about 1.5 weeks). We still have not said anything to the kids. She says that she wants her space and time to sort stuff out in her head. I never asked about the guy again (I know him as an acquaintance), but she offered up one night that she had stopped seeing him because she knew it was the right thing to do. I felt a moment of relief.

As with many married couples, we share everything which means that our phones are on the same plan. I looked up her phone activity online and saw that she is still communicating with him. I asked her about it and she confirmed it to me but said that she doesn't see him any longer and they don't realy even talk - they just text occasionally. I calmly explained that I didn't think that this was going to help the situation and how much it hurt me. I asked her to see it through my eyes. She agreed. And today, she has more than 20 texts to the same person - in between or during events that we were at together. I want to call her on it, but I know that confronting her at this point would just drive her away. I also do believe that there is a chance that we can work through this and I don't want to cause any extra stress on an already difficuly situation. She has been very secretive when it comes to her phone - she changed the password and doesn't leave it lying around any more. I know that all of the signs are not good, but I truly love our family and want nothing more than to work on fixing it. I also don't feel like that is possible with this communication happening. But if she truly is talking to this person and she is finding peace in that, do I owe it to her to let her figure it out?

Every day is a new stress and I wish I knew what to do and how she truly feels. Whenever I ask, she just tells me that she is very broken and needs time to find herself. When I push, we go backwards and when I leave her alone, I feel like I am losing her day by day. There have been a couple of times when I thought that she was just going to tell me that she wanted a divorce, but each time we just talk about how where we are at is broken. We haven't gotten to the "D" word yet.

Someome out there - please give me some advice. My mind is definitely not in a logical place and I don't know what to do.

I am sitting here waiting for my registration to complete and I read through the "Divorce Busting 180 Degree List". Very Interesting. I know that someone will tell me that is the way to go. But it seems like this would be much more difficult with kids...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Whenever a spouse says they "need their space" what they're really saying is I need time without you around to carry on my affair.
The more time without you they have the deeper and farther the affair will go.

Tell your wife to stop contact with her lover, move back home, and start working on her marriage.
If she refuses file for divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Why are you snooping and fixating on this other guy? What do you expect to find that you don't already know? You know you're wife is interested in another guy. Continue to snoop and you look like a weak, desperate guy. Continue to prod her about it and you just drive her activities underground and force her to be a liar. It'd be tough but take to heart what she has told you about your behaviors that bug her. Work on you and give her some space. Right now, she's mentally comparing you with this other guy and you're making him look good and making yourself look bad. You're in the driver's seat. You are the father of her kids and it'd be tons easier for her to remain in place with you than turn her life upside down for an unknown (the other guy). 
I was in the same boat many years ago and I responded as you are doing now. We ended up getting a divorce. Wife hooked up with interesting dude and in short order she regretted her decision. Had I handled things differently, I could have saved that marriage and spared my kids a bunch of trauma. 
When she talks to this guy, he doesn't interrogate her or brood around her. He's happy, upbeat, confident, and serves as welcome relief from stress. When you're around her, you bring drama and stress. Understandable, but it's counterproductive. You've been with this woman for years and you know better than any Johnny Come Lately how to woo her. Also, you represent security and reliability (you're the father of her kids). You don't want her body there and her heart elsewhere. Show her what a great deal she has and don't give her a reason to turn elsewhere. 
It's easy to talk about ultimatums and divorce, but you have at least two kids. Besides, the next woman is going to be only human, too and she can be tempted just like your wife.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why in the hell did you leave?
She is the one thats want someone else, so she should be the one leaving!
Don't beg for your marriage, and as soon as your man up and show her that you are confident to move on with out her, she will second guees her self and start to think twice.

So empower your self with confidence, and by being indifferent to her and God knows its hard, but the perception that you are moving on will make your wife second guess her choices.

As long as you continue to get managed by her, you empower her to "eat her cake".

Right now show knows you will doing any thing for her and the family, so she can do as she pleases, knowing if this new guy doesn't work out you will as ways be there as her second choice.

But, once she believes that you can move on and sees the indifference in your additude, she will be streesed that her back up man (you) is moving on and the protential of her family *perminently* breaking up is very likely if she continues down this path.

So this works....the sooner your wife sees you confindently moveing on with a smill on your face, and wishing her all the best, the sooner your wife will think about the reality of you no longer being around.

And don't worry about your boy, you have a long way to go before any thing is final. Right now its game time and it time to show some tough love. Its time to make the tough changes to emotional distance your self from your wife and give her a taste of what it will really be like.

The intent here is not to be mean to your W, but wish her well and thank her for all the years together and smile. Inform her that you will not compete with the other man and divorce is the course of action that you will take if she continues to want to seperate so she doesn't feel so guilty when she slepts with her new boy friend.

Bottom line any weakness shown will only empower your wife to continue.....this is a proven fact. Until she is scared enough to truely believe you will divorce her she will not think twice to sleep with this guy.

MOVE BACK TO THE MARITIAL HOME ASAP


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Get back in YOUR home, and hire a PI to find out who the OM is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

leaving so another man can bang your wife is just not a smart thing to do. Do not settle for separation. That is just living in an open marraige and supporting your wife while she binds with another man. Sweet for her.

Go back home. Be a strong man. Divorce her. Starting down this road may jog her back your way. If not it prepares you to move on with dignity. Do not settle with being cuckolded and supporting her life style.

If she says she wants to work on the relationship she must go NC with any men she has formed an emotional bond with. Her affair partners.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Go home and kick her out.

She's cheating...  I really hate these stories! They are all sounding the same...


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## emotionalman (Oct 15, 2011)

Hello all and thanks for the replies. 

I did go back home tonight. I also got in bed and told he that i was tired of sleeping somewhere else and that if she wanted to go somewhere else, she could. 

She did stay but I think it was more being defiant than anything. Today is my daughters birthday. I know she doesn't want to create any waves today. 

Its hard to just wish her the best because I thnk that she is just going to say goodbye. But I guess if that is the case then all I am doing is prolonging the inevitable, right?

I keep thinking that there's a way out of this. This is definitely my lowest of lows in my life. It just sucks. I think I may take the approach of wishing her the best and thanking her for the time we did have. I sometimes move too quick to anger and I know that doesn't help the situation at all. It just drives her away more. But it's like having to relearn how to act around her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## robbyc (Oct 16, 2011)

Emotional Man,

I just found this forum today because I am frustrated too. When I read your note, my first thought was immediately to NOT keep track of her texts and phone records. A relationship must be based on trust and you are not trusting her. 

What I have found works (not all the time) but when it works, it works well. Lay it all on the table. Tell her how you feel about her. Talk about the good times. Make her smile. And cry. Make her cry. It will not solve everything, but it will give a much needed bandage.

The other thing I have learned is that stress feeds off of each other. I actually think it is actually chemical reaction between partners that we cannot control. I can't tell you how many times I have thought "I do no want to argue with my wife. I do not want to argue with my wife". Then next thing I know we are having another fight. Lord knows I have tried.

My other thought which I have not tried. Why not just disappear for a few days? Don't tell her where you are going, just disappear. Sometimes, I think that women take men for granted and disappearing might make them reconsider.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

robbyc said:


> Emotional Man,
> 
> I just found this forum today because I am frustrated too. When I read your note, *my first thought was immediately to NOT keep track of her texts and phone records. A relationship must be based on trust and you are not trusting her. *
> 
> ...


Marriage is not based on trust. It is based on love and faithfulness. Relying on blind trust is lazy and weak. A real man is assertive, has boundaries and will refuse to be cuckolded. He is loving and faithful and expects the same in return. He is an example of strength and honor to his children. Some people say trust but verify. A good marriage is transparent. 

It is amazing how many posts are on this forum promoting weakness and submission. I do not believe it is representative of any kind of reality. I think some folks get a real chuckle out of saying outrageous counter productive things just to get a form of enjoyment. Maybe it is people who know they are not strong and want others to be the same way to justify their situation.

Giving a cheating wife space is just putting them in isolation so she can openly conintue her cheating. Men are meant to c0ckblock not run away. Fight or flight they call it.

Instigation
Isolation
Escalation

A man giving space is enabling isolation.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

emotionalman said:


> Hello all and thanks for the replies.
> 
> I did go back home tonight. I also got in bed and told he that i was tired of sleeping somewhere else and that if she wanted to go somewhere else, she could.
> 
> ...


Be a man. Demand respect. Women like that. They do not like weak men. It is not attractive. Women desire fit men. I am not just talking about physical. They look to trade up to the fitest male they can get.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Go home and kick her out.
> 
> She's cheating...  I really hate these stories! They are all sounding the same...


I know , right?


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## emotionalman (Oct 15, 2011)

Well. This AM I told her that I was coming back home. I was not the one that said I wanted a separation so I told her if she wanted to leave she could. I also told her that the kids would stay home. It was her choice. I did not tell her to leave though. I couldn't do that. Although many of you have said that she is cheating I do still think that she is just talking to this guy. I know - many will say I am blind but I do know my wife. I also know that she has an emotional connection to him. I did tell her that I considered it cheating if she has to hide her phone and text behind my back, then it was still wrong. 

Even with that, I still couldn't just tell her to leave. I am taking small steps here. I still think I have stood my ground more and that did feel good. We had a decent day for my daughter and that's the most important thing. I just want her to figure it out. Truly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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