# Wife doesn't want to be a wife?



## onetomanyheartaches (Oct 22, 2012)

This might sound weird to some but, I am not sure where to start. We have been married 5 years. I thought that everything was going fine, but for some reason it's not. My wife has been going through a some things that I just can't understand. She has had a rough life until I came into the picture. At least that is what she told me. Well, I recently found out that she has been talking to another guy(one that I know as well) via Facebook and texting. I have no problem with this as I am not an overbearing, jealous man. But, now it is getting ridiculous. She has been sharing things with him about our relationship and how she doesn't love me but will not want to hurt me. She also stated that if the other guy would tell her that he "loved her", she would run to him in a heartbeat. Now, I know that I am not the most perfect person in the world and that I have many flaws, but, what causes a woman to change her mind like this. She was seeing a counselor for a few months, but that turned into a make things worse for my wife. She has been dealing with the past for so long and explained to the counselor that she was not happy with me. The counselor watched me one day, open her car door, walk her to the office and wish her well. Since that day, the counselor was telling her "How could you not like what he does for you?" "All I see is a loving man who wnts the best for you and the family" 
Since that time, my wife stopped seeing the counselor because she was always harping on me! Now, my wife stated that she is gong to take a Facebook hiatus to "clear her thoughts". I want my wife to be happy and I would give her anything, but in the same time, I do not want her to take our kids into a broken situation and ruin tier lives because SHE IS NOT HAPPY. My wife will not tell me anything, so I have to sneak around, she had no job and I am the sole source of income. I want her to get a job and she is working but, I know that when she does she will want to leave me. Should I let her go and be herself? SHould I try to get this to work? What the heck did I do to deserve this heartache?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If she wants out, let her go.

You deserve better than clinging to someone who is tearing your world apart and is clearly having an affair.

if that guy is married, you need to let his wife know what the deal is.

Your wife has no job and no income? That i sher problem. If she wants out, she needs to fend for herself. That's how the world works.

Never chase a dog that is running away from you. Don't cry/beg/plead. Nada.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

First off you did not do anything to deserve this. Second what she is doing is called an EA. Most of which are actually hidden PAs. If she is really that unhappy, ask for a seperation where you keep the kids while she clears her head. Maybe that will jolt her enough. Sometimes they need to find out what they have to lose before they can clear their head.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Onetoomany

You know what you have to do.

Pull the plug and let your marriage go down the drain

Your wife is having an Affair.

Let her feel consequences now.

And if you have kids, you need to protect them now more than ever.

HM64


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

In the immortal words of Arnold Shwarzannegar..."GET OUT!!!"


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

What do you want from this situation? 
''Should I let her go and be herself? Should I try to get this to work?''

What is your intuition telling you? 
You seem to try very hard to make it work and try to understand your wife, but she seems to do nothing to make it work.
How committed are you on this relationship, knowing that she is not willing to do as much as you?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'm not going to say let her go.

Have you both been to marriage counseling? Let's face it... her therapist CAN'T know much about you from watching you open the door for your wife.

Look... we all bring issues to the marriage and I'm sure you do, too. Going to marriage counseling allows everyone to get the issues on the table.

But your wife has to be in on this, too. If she has already checked out, you want to let her know that divorce IS an option, but so is marriage counseling. If she isn't willing to try, only then would I say move on.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Check out the Coping With Infidelity forum. You're wife is having an EA on you, possibly a PA.

You SHOULD care that they are talking. The fact that you are worried about being overbearing or jealous tells me that you are a "nice guy."

Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" stat!

Also check out "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson. It discusses how to deal with affairs, your wife is in one btw even if it's not physical yet.

In your current mindset you will want to beg and plead and smother her to protect the marriage, completely disastrous...

You need to be strong and confident and not tolerate this behavior, it takes work, so listen to the experts on how to do it properly. If you do not take a strong stand against this other person your marriage will soon be over. Do not let your wife's manipulation change your boundaries. What she is doing is WRONG.


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

> My wife has been going through a some things that I just can't understand. *She has had a rough life* until I came into the picture. At least that is what she told me.


I'm really tired of seeing this being told to BH (betrayed husband) as an excuse for inexcusable behavior. While I'm not saying that what they experienced _wasn't_ traumatic – I simply have too many friend and family members who *have suffered and overcame these terrible experiences *to make it a valid excuse for any reason for coming on TAM. So I will address it now – and _only_ once – if this is really bothering her to this day she needs to seek professional help for it. And _stop_ using it as a shield for her selfishness. 



> Well, I recently found out that she has been talking to another guy(one that I know as well) via Facebook*and texting. I have no problem with this as *I am not an overbearing, jealous man*.


This is sadly the reason why many people wind up on TAM. They don't want to be 'jealous' or 'controlling' when they notice that their SO (significant other) behaving inappropriately on FB. You are not alone!



> But, now it is getting ridiculous. She has been sharing things with him about our relationship and how *she doesn't love me but will not want to hurt me*. She also stated that *if the other guy would tell her that he "loved her", she would run to him in a heartbeat*.


I really want you to read those bolded statements there. 

Read it again. 

That came from you. This is how your wife is making you feel about your marriage. 

The reason I point this out is because you follow up with:



> Now, I know that _I am not the most perfect person_ in the world and that I have many flaws, but, *what causes a woman to change her mind like this*.


The only person who is going to be able to answer for your wife's actions is your wife. You need to be focusing on you right now, as you can make changes to yourself.



> My wife will not tell me anything, so I have to sneak around, she had no job and I am the sole source of income. I want her to get a job and she is working but, *I know that when she does she will want to leave me. Should I let her go and be herself? SHould I try to get this to work? What the heck did I do to deserve this heartache?*


This is your life. How do you want to be treated by your wife? Do you want to be the husband to a woman who would leave you at the drop of a hat? Who refuses a cathartic and progressive step towards fixing your marriage _that is counseling sessions_ with someone who is going to ask tough questions and expect her to answer for her harmful decisions?

The questions got too tough so she doesn't want to do it anymore? 

It doesn't sound like your wife's head is even in the game of R(reconciliation)!

Your wife should get a job to help with the expenses of having a marriage. Whether that entails just a mortgage or paying for the expenses of having children, not just as a step to get financially independent from her husband so she can leave him when she's done with him!

This sounds like a case of you being your wife's doormat, and its time for you to man up!

She wants out because its "Sooooo tough having a husband who has a job, pays the bills, and looks out for me. Woe is me.” 

Fine. Let her go.

But *SHE* goes. You stay (in the house, or apartment). You're not the one straying from your marriage. She wants to be big Mrs. Independent that starts TODAY. Not once she gets her feet under her. Not once she gets all her 'ducks in a row' so she can leave you scratching your head wondering how the rug got pulled out from underneath you.

And get her away from your kids (if you have them) and start taking care of yourself.

I would also suggest starting the 180. I don't have the link for it, but I will look for it and PM it to you.

There's some guys here with great advice on how to deal with a WS, I'll leave it to them. But you may want to look at a few other threads with men and women in similar situations as yourself. There is a forum "Coping with Infidelity" which held a wealth of information that was absolutely essential for my own experience with a WS.

Good luck. I'm rooting for you!


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Many likes Mrs Chai
Well said.


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## Desperate_Housewife (Oct 15, 2012)

onetomanyheartaches said:


> She also stated that if the other guy would tell her that he "loved her", she would run to him in a heartbeat.


Ouch! Nothing like taking that knife and giving it a good twist.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Don't beat yourself up over why your wife has entered into an EA with FB dude. Read these forums. Sadly it happens all of the time.

You cannot work on the marriage until the affair ends. Have your post moved by a Mod. to the CWI forum.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

onetomanyheartaches said:


> I want my wife to be happy and I would give her anything, but in the same time, I do not want her to take our kids into a broken situation and ruin tier lives because SHE IS NOT HAPPY. My wife will not tell me anything, so I have to sneak around, she had no job and I am the sole source of income. I want her to get a job and she is working but, I know that when she does she will want to leave me. Should I let her go and be herself? SHould I try to get this to work? What the heck did I do to deserve this heartache?


otmh, you need to establish some healthy boundaries in your marriage. Your wife may react badly to this if she has been able to do whatever she wants for the last five year so my humble suggestion would be for both of you to attend some kind of marriage education seminar where an impartial third party could explain your marital responsibilities to you both and hopefully get both of you to agree to them.

With an objective set of guidelines to work from, you need to communicate certain expectations to her lovingly and clearly. If she isn't able to meet them at first, offer your loving assistance to help her. Be firm and be consistent and be loving. Insist on a plan with externally observable checkpoints and milestones.

When you start calling out her bad behavior and firmly insisting that she stay on a plan for change, she will either find her way into behavior that respects you and your marriage or she will find her way out the door. Either way, you let her choose. Just make sure you don't give her the choice to do whatever she wants with you doing nothing about it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tell her she should move in with this guy now why wait? Tell her to give you her new address so she can be properly served.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

*She does not love you so let her get out. You can find someone to respect and love you. She has made you her plan b. Now you always 1st never 2nd.*


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Doesn't love him but doesn't want to hurt him? "Byatch! You aren't doing anyone any favors by pretending to be married while chatting up some other dude! Be gone, you two-faced, lying, unemployed, retired-in-place sack of sorry, no account, crazy, evil bat!" There's an empty spot down at the overpass just big enough for a cardboard box you can call "home".


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Listen to all the other posters

At a minimum, she's involved in a EA

Worst case is it went physical and she"s exposed you to STDs. I'd get tested if I was you and I stop having sex with her


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## onetomanyheartaches (Oct 22, 2012)

Thank you all for your responses. I have started my own counseling and it seems that I have some issues as well. The good thing is that my wife agreed to meet with a marriage counselor with me. Today we go and I hope that it brings more to light than I already know. Thanks again for everything!


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