# I've been lurking but I need to talk now :(



## msT (Jan 3, 2015)

I've been reading through this site the last few days to try and figure out what to do with myself because I am totally in limbo. 
People seem to need all the details so here goes:
My partner of 8 years (engaged for 2) has decided he doesn't want to get married and doesn't know if he wants to work on us. I have 2 children from a previous relationship he has raised as if his own and we have a 2 year old daughter together. He works out of town in the oil industry and is gone 2 weeks, home 1. It has been a struggle for me, being alone so much of the time, but he doesn't want to quit because he makes really good money. Last year he had a skin cancer removed and a few months later I lost a niece to cancer. We were coping with all this and our relationship was the strongest it's ever been. Then, in November, it's like a switch flipped and he turned off from me. He spent his days off drinking in the basement and barely coming to bed. After he left I wracked my brain trying to figure out what was wrong and what I could do and I thought maybe he hit a depression because he'd heard a childhood friend was diagnosed with incurable brain cancer and it was too close to home. But I couldn't get him to talk to me.
Flash forward to the holiday, he came home from work for 2 weeks on vacation: he spent the whole time on his phone or drinking in the basement and said he didn't think we should get married, he wasn't sure it would work anymore. I checked his phone and text records, he has been texting his boss, a 25 year old girl with a history of flirtations in the field, non-stop. At work, at home, at night, first thing in the morning when I was up getting the kids ready for school and thought he was sleeping, etc. And I freaked out.
He says he hasn't slept with her and I believe him but he was hanging around waiting for her texts like a love-sick puppy and it is breaking my heart.
Then we spent the rest of the time fighting. All three of our kids got sick, the youngest with an ear infection, and the times we tried to be intimate were uncomfortable and weird, although we've always been super compatable sexually. 
I handled it all wrong, I was freaking out, can't eat, can't sleep, following him around the house trying to get him to talk to me, and he just got madder and madder. He left again for work on Sunday and we have had almost no contact, though I did try to call him some and he tried to call me one time. 
I am terrified and lost and alone. I believe he didn't sleep with her but wants to and feels guilty about it which is making him be a huge **** to everyone. 
He said he's been restless and unhappy for years but that is bullsht, restless men don't have babies or buy houses or engagement rings. This is new but his judgement is clouded by his lust and he has said some really hurtful things to me. It feels like he's trying to get me to leave so he can move on without blame. 
My heart is breaking, can anyone offer any hope?


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

First, don't let him disrespect you. If he's texting another woman this much, that shows something inappropriate is going on. That is disrespectful! To ensure he doesn't disrespect you, you need to respect yourself. Don't chase him around trying to get him to open up. Don't beg! Have more self worth.

I know this is extremely hard to do. You want to fix this, but he is far away from that right now. Expect him to continue feeling like he has the upper hand and misbehaving because of the lack of respect. That is, until you change how you are handing the situation. 

Cut off your feelings for him right now. Focus on you. Make a decision to be the woman you know you can be. You deserve better and you need to treat yourself that way.

Good luck and I hope things work out for the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MST,

Situation like this, you identify the threat, locate their most exposed artery and cut it. 

In this case you have a situation where a the boss is fvcking up a family mans - family. 

That means you go after her - via human resources. Reach out to them and say that she and your fiancée are WAY TOO close for a superior/subordinate. And that if the HR person has any doubt, they can simply look at the volume of contact between them. 

HR may also have access to the actual texts. 

Be TOTALLY CALM and stick with this:
- We've been together X years and have a young daughter
- He asked me to marry him Y months ago
- Suddenly his pattern at home changed and the two of them seem to be texting very, very frequently. He is now talking about breaking the engagement. 

If asked if they have slept together just say: Not yet (your goal here is to be disruptive - not destructive)

And then directly ask the HR person: Is there anything you can do to help me? Anything I can do to help resolve this? 

If HR doesn't help - go to her direct boss. 

-----------

In the meantime go into total 180 mode. Don't let him treat you like 'Plan B'. You are clearly a good partner - that's why he asked you to marry him. Bought a house with you. 

You shouldn't have to compete with a young woman who is enough of a sociopath to go after a man:
- who is a direct report 
AND
- whose already taken

He will flip out when you call HR. Don't react. Just don't say anything. If he has to change jobs - that's ok. It may save your family. 





msT said:


> I've been reading through this site the last few days to try and figure out what to do with myself because I am totally in limbo.
> People seem to need all the details so here goes:
> My partner of 8 years (engaged for 2) has decided he doesn't want to get married and doesn't know if he wants to work on us. I have 2 children from a previous relationship he has raised as if his own and we have a 2 year old daughter together. He works out of town in the oil industry and is gone 2 weeks, home 1. It has been a struggle for me, being alone so much of the time, but he doesn't want to quit because he makes really good money. Last year he had a skin cancer removed and a few months later I lost a niece to cancer. We were coping with all this and our relationship was the strongest it's ever been. Then, in November, it's like a switch flipped and he turned off from me. He spent his days off drinking in the basement and barely coming to bed. After he left I wracked my brain trying to figure out what was wrong and what I could do and I thought maybe he hit a depression because he'd heard a childhood friend was diagnosed with incurable brain cancer and it was too close to home. But I couldn't get him to talk to me.
> Flash forward to the holiday, he came home from work for 2 weeks on vacation: he spent the whole time on his phone or drinking in the basement and said he didn't think we should get married, he wasn't sure it would work anymore. I checked his phone and text records, he has been texting his boss, a 25 year old girl with a history of flirtations in the field, non-stop. At work, at home, at night, first thing in the morning when I was up getting the kids ready for school and thought he was sleeping, etc. And I freaked out.
> ...


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## msT (Jan 3, 2015)

MEM11363 said:


> MST,
> 
> Situation like this, you identify the threat, locate their most exposed artery and cut it.
> 
> ...


I did think about that but he works at the armpit dregs end of a gigantic global multi-billion dollar company and HR is a nightmare. I thought about exposing to his co-workers, also, as she has a history of leading guys on and then claiming sexual harassment.


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## msT (Jan 3, 2015)

SurpriseMyself said:


> First, don't let him disrespect you. If he's texting another woman this much, that shows something inappropriate is going on. That is disrespectful! To ensure he doesn't disrespect you, you need to respect yourself. Don't chase him around trying to get him to open up. Don't beg! Have more self worth.
> 
> I know this is extremely hard to do. You want to fix this, but he is far away from that right now. Expect him to continue feeling like he has the upper hand and misbehaving because of the lack of respect. That is, until you change how you are handing the situation.
> 
> ...



I am very ashamed of how I conducted myself. I'm a grown woman and a mother and can usually keep level headed, I don't want to be the kind of person who begs a man for love. This is really throwing me off.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Start detaching and living your own life. Take the actions you can take, and that is you moving on. Go out with friends more, and be with family. Deepen the bonds with your children. You have to take focus away from him. The more you detach, the less you will put up with his bs. Love allows us to take more crap from someone we love, but if they treat us poorly long enough, it will eventually destroy the feelings that we have for them.

Honestly, he is infatuated with her, but that infatuation is an obsessive stage where he will focus a lot on her. Until it breaks, he will not come to his senses. This stage of infatuation impairs the judgement center of our brain. That is why he will seem like a different person, he is addicted to his new relationship, and he does not want anything to get between him and his drug of choice. Your relationship with him is in the way of him focusing on his obsession. From the way you describe her character, once the excitment wears out, she will be done with him.


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## msT (Jan 3, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Start detaching and living your own life. Take the actions you can take, and that is you moving on. Go out with friends more, and be with family. Deepen the bonds with your children. You have to take focus away from him. The more you detach, the less you will put up with his bs. Love allows us to take more crap from someone we love, but if they treat us poorly long enough, it will eventually destroy the feelings that we have for them.
> 
> Honestly, he is infatuated with her, but that infatuation is an obsessive stage where he will focus a lot on her. Until it breaks, he will not come to his senses. This stage of infatuation impairs the judgement center of our brain. That is why he will seem like a different person, he is addicted to his new relationship, and he does not want anything to get between him and his drug of choice. Your relationship with him is in the way of him focusing on his obsession. From the way you describe her character, once the excitment wears out, she will be done with him.


It is very painful to see him longing for someone else because I love him so much. The kids are sensing something's wrong and I'm not sure what to say. Objectively, I don't want to be petty or say something to damage their relationship but my emotions are telling me different.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Get your wits about you even though your heart is breaking. He has essentially checked out of the relationship, so stop sitting around waiting for him to call all the shots and decide your life and destiny. Go see an attorney tomorrow. The first consultation will likely be free, and then can tell you how to go about getting your fiance to pay for the rest. Do not under any circumstances move out of the house. I hope you had sense enough to have your name on the deed and mortgage. When he gets the notice that he has to start paying child support, palimony, and has to keep up the bills in the house, he will either change his tune or leave. Either way, you will have taken care of yourself and the child you have together. If your name is on the house, he will have to buy you out of it or you buy him out. You shouldn't even want him back after this but knowing you will, there are relationship (marriage, actually) repair help after infidelity at marriagebuilders.com.

After this, you need to get your life together. Get a job if you don't already have one so you and your children don't have to spend your life depending on men, and stop having babies by every man you hook up with.


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## Shoresofminnesota (Dec 30, 2014)

I feel your pain MST, in the same boat, 39 m looking at life as a single man after 15 years of marriage. If this happens I will be traveling the country, no more for me


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## msT (Jan 3, 2015)

Wow, I hope I didn't give _everyone_ the impression that I'm some kind of wobbly spined doormat who dropping out little bastard babies all the time.
I'm just on very shaky ground right now and having a hard time wrapping my head around exactly how I feel. I think it's just angry right now though. Maybe a little disgusted, too.


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

I think that saying anything to your children about him would be a mistake. 

I agree with the previous posts -- don't let him manipulate you into leaving. Get organized before his next return-- see an attorney so that you know where you stand. This will also give you some support in dealing with him and standing up to him. It is best to not show any weakness at this time.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

msT said:


> I've been reading through this site the last few days to try and figure out what to do with myself because I am totally in limbo.
> People seem to need all the details so here goes:
> My partner of 8 years (engaged for 2) has decided he doesn't want to get married and doesn't know if he wants to work on us. I have 2 children from a previous relationship he has raised as if his own and we have a 2 year old daughter together. He works out of town in the oil industry and is gone 2 weeks, home 1. It has been a struggle for me, being alone so much of the time, but he doesn't want to quit because he makes really good money. Last year he had a skin cancer removed and a few months later I lost a niece to cancer. We were coping with all this and our relationship was the strongest it's ever been. Then, in November, it's like a switch flipped and he turned off from me. He spent his days off drinking in the basement and barely coming to bed. After he left I wracked my brain trying to figure out what was wrong and what I could do and I thought maybe he hit a depression because he'd heard a childhood friend was diagnosed with incurable brain cancer and it was too close to home. But I couldn't get him to talk to me.
> Flash forward to the holiday, he came home from work for 2 weeks on vacation: he spent the whole time on his phone or drinking in the basement and said he didn't think we should get married, he wasn't sure it would work anymore. I checked his phone and text records, he has been texting his boss, a 25 year old girl with a history of flirtations in the field, non-stop. At work, at home, at night, first thing in the morning when I was up getting the kids ready for school and thought he was sleeping, etc. And I freaked out.
> ...


his unwillingness to talk with you is the biggest problem, for now. it's going to be difficult if not impossible to fix things with him being so distant, both figuratively and literally. do everything you can to get him to confess what's on his heart and mind to you. if that's impossible, then it's not going to work.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do a modified 180. Pull back. Be pleasant. Take anger out of the picture. He must get his head out of azz. Alcohol... is he a drunk?


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## msT (Jan 3, 2015)

LongWalk said:


> Do a modified 180. Pull back. Be pleasant. Take anger out of the picture. He must get his head out of azz. Alcohol... is he a drunk?


He is not a drunk but does drink, mostly beer, and very seldom to the point of inebriation. This is time it has a different feel to it though. Any advice on how to modify the 180 in this situation? I'm trying to keep a handle on my emotions and focus on the things in my life that aren't all messed up, and trying to make sure I'm eating right and sleeping. Some nights I can't do it, I have all these doubts about 180, questioning if my pulling back will be taken as permission to indulge headlong into his infatuation. 
This sucks


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

msT said:


> He is not a drunk but does drink, mostly beer, and very seldom to the point of inebriation. This is time it has a different feel to it though. Any advice on how to modify the 180 in this situation? I'm trying to keep a handle on my emotions and focus on the things in my life that aren't all messed up, and trying to make sure I'm eating right and sleeping. Some nights I can't do it, I have all these doubts about 180, questioning if my pulling back will be taken as permission to indulge headlong into his infatuation.
> This sucks


Go. After. His. Boss.

THEN pull the 180 and let him cool down. It sounds like she knows how to manipulate men and the only way to get her to stop is to remove her from the picture.

What he wants from you right now is to beg and plead and cry and be miserable so he can rationalize moving his feelings over to another woman.
Dont give him any ammo.
Be pleasant.
Be nice.
Be aloof.
...and nuke the other woman.

Go directly to HR.
Do not pass go.
Do not collect 200 dollars.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You could try writing a let him go letter, one in which you tell him that you love him but want him to be happy. So, if he would be happier with his colleague, he should go to her. Of course letting him go means that he cannot cake eat.

Be dignified. Do not exhibit neediness. Treat him politely but with distance. Work on detachment.

If he says that he wants to save your relationship, he has to write NC letter to her and you send it. The letter has to be unequivocal in its renunciation of the affair.


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## Emmadog (Jan 9, 2015)

All new to this. Just wondering if going the work route is ignoring the possible larger picture? Is he taking you for granted is the question to ask yourself? Someone once told me never to settle for second best. A lesson I still have yet to learn. And remember that I come from my heart and with no judgement!


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## msT (Jan 3, 2015)

Emmadog said:


> All new to this. Just wondering if going the work route is ignoring the possible larger picture? Is he taking you for granted is the question to ask yourself? Someone once told me never to settle for second best. A lesson I still have yet to learn. And remember that I come from my heart and with no judgement!


Yes, it would be ignoring the larger picture, as this girl (I wouldn't call her a woman) has a history of leading guys on then pretending she has no idea why they've made advances. She is also 10 years younger than him and in a position of authority over him, and has plans to change jobs and move, so I don't think _she_ is a legitimate threat. 
The issue is that we've been trying to juggle the 2 lives- the lives we lead when he's at work vs. the lives we lead when he's home, and we are both exhausted from it and each starting to resent our roles in this family.
Unfortunately instead of discussing this calmly and rationally, we fought and yelled and screamed and my feelings are hurt and he is pissed off, so I think it's going to take some time for us to get to a place where we can have an adult conversation about it, but I'm having a hard time getting our of my own head right now and am scared that his judgement is being clouded by this girl who represents the freedom he no longer has that looks so much greener than our mortgage and bill and children centric life and he might torpedo all of us because of it.


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