# Trying to get courage to leave



## sttn

I have been with my husband for seven years and married for two. I have been unhappy for at least six of those years. I guess I thought if I became better the relationship would be better. I tried very hard for years to be better for him but now I know no matter what I do it will never be enough. I have refused to have kids even though I've always wanted a family. I just don't think its fair to bring kids into this unhappy situation. Now I know its not fair to myself to stay but I can't seem to get the courage to leave. 
I've told him I'm unhappy and I don't think this is going to work but he keeps saying it will get better. It only gets worse. When I met my husband, I was young, thin, had a career, and friends. All that is gone now and I am scared to leave him. I use to be very independent but now I am ashamed to say I have become very dependent on him. To make things worse, we live in outside the U.S. (my home country) and I don't have any support system here. I want to leave and I know even though it will be difficult it is the right thing to do. I just can't seem to get up the courage to do it. I don't know when I changed into this scared person. I'm ashamed that I can't get the courage to get out.


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## that_girl

What happened to your body, career and friends? Was that his fault that they are gone?

Sometimes, when people are unhappy, they think it's about the spouse, but in reality, it's about themselves.


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## sttn

I never said it was his fault. I'm just saying I am not as confident as I was before I met. I didn't say that was his fault. I know its my fault. I know I am in a relationship that isn't good for me and that was my decision and my fault. That is why I am trying to make it right by getting the courage to leave. I am just having difficulty doing it.


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## that_girl

Do you think if you found your self-confidence again that it would help?


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## sttn

Help the relationship, or help me leave?
I think I would be better if I got my confidence back. I am working on it. I am trying to become more independent again. I am trying to do things that I think will help my confidence, like volunteering and taking classes. 
I definitely think getting my confidence back will help me leave. Its just scary. I do love my husband. I don't want to make him unhappy but he's not happy in this relationship either. I think one of us has to end it but we are both scared and don't want to admit we failed at this relationship.


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## Lostouthere

Honestly from where Im sitting it sounds like your unhappiness comes from you and not the relationship. If I was you I would seek out counseling and go from there I really dont think leaving would help to make you happy.


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## Prodigal

Okay, let's forget about assigning fault, who's to blame for what, etc. The fact of the matter is, you say you are not happy with your husband, but you lack the courage to leave. Correct?

Can you be a bit more specific about what it is that is making you unhappy? Does he have habits, emotional issues, baggage, problems communicating, or any other things that bother you enough to make you feel it's a bad marriage?

Why do you think you are dependent on someone who makes you unhappy? Believe me, I understand that even if we're miserable, at least it's a familiar miserable. Walking away means we're walking into the unknown. That IS scarey. I've done it twice, and neither time was it easy. But in hindsight, I don't regret it.

It sounds like you are working to regain your self-confidence, which is great. In the meantime, what exactly do you think it is that is holding you back from leaving?


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## turnera

What's wrong with the marriage?


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## sttn

In my post I was talking about my issues rather than the marriage issues because the post was about me getting the courage to leave not so much about fixing problems in the relationship. I think my fear of leaving is about my insecurities.

But to answer questions about problems with our relationship, we have very different ideas about how to treat a partner and different goals in life. My husband is happy to stay at home and do work on his computer all of the time. I prefer to be out doing things. My husband doesn't want to do anything for birthdays (mine or his), Anniversaries, Christmas, etc.. I on the other hand like celebrating and I like picking out gifts for him. He doesn't give gifts and he doesn't want to receive them. He feels like any time spent with me is time spent away from important work he could be doing. I told him I wasn't happy about that so he tried spending some time with me but it made him really bitter and angry because he felt like he was sacrificing to much. I've tried giving him all his space and letting him be but that just isn't the kind of relationship I want to be in. 
I knew he was like this when we first got together but I thought it was temporary because of an "important" project he was working on but every time one project ends another one takes its place. 
We both love each other very much but we just want different things. 
Of course,the problems are more involved than that but I think that is the best I can sum them up for a post.


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## turnera

Ah, got it.

Then, I would tell you this - assuming you had a good mom - what would your mom's hopes for you be? Would she have dreamed as you were growing up for you? To settle just for some man, any man? Or to find the man of your dreams? Would she want you to throw away your whole life on the wrong choice just because you MADE that choice? No, she would want you to do the right thing for both you AND your husband -separate so you both can find the good fit.


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## Prodigal

sttn said:


> I think my fear of leaving is about my insecurities.


What do you think is triggering the insecurity? It may have nothing to do with your husband.



sttn said:


> My husband doesn't want to do anything for birthdays (mine or his), Anniversaries, Christmas, etc.. I on the other hand like celebrating and I like picking out gifts for him. He doesn't give gifts and he doesn't want to receive them. He feels like any time spent with me is time spent away from important work he could be doing. I told him I wasn't happy about that so he tried spending some time with me but it made him really bitter and angry because he felt like he was sacrificing to much.


From what you're saying, it doesn't sound like he's a warm person. Granted, it may just be the way he is, but I would think it hurts you and makes you feel less-than when spending time with you makes him feel you're interfering with other things he would rather be doing. That could certainly make you feel insecure, because that's the antithesis of how a loving, caring husband should treat his wife.

Courage isn't about bravery; it's about doing what we need to do even when we feel afraid. I believe your sense of self and security would return if you left and surrounded yourself with people who share your enthusiasm for life. Right now, it sounds like your husband puts a damper on who you really are and want to be.


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## abc098

how about instead of bailing over stupid reasons you work it out...


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## southernmagnolia

abc098 said:


> how about instead of bailing over stupid reasons you work it out...


Stupid reasons??? :scratchhead: It's very condescending of you to tell her that her reasons are stupid. 

The woman has very clearly expressed that her husband doesn't meet her needs and he isn't willing to change. She saw this before she married him but thought he'd change, (which lesson to be learned there about people NOT changing). 

Work on yourself op and you may find that you may want to stay and demand that he meet some of your needs or you may want to leave. 

I don't think marriage should be viewed as something that is easy to walk away from but yet if there are no children then one does not deserve a life sentence in misery.

Good luck!


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## SeekingClarity

Hi sttn, I understand your situation very well. Please read my own story of just a few minutes ago (I, too, left my home country to be with my husband & started spiraling into unhappiness after that). It is hard for people who haven't been through this process to understand the kind of financial and emotional dependencies that can arise when you leave everything behind and start a courageous, adventurous new life in another country. I, too, was a highly independent, happy, outgoing person with a good job that would have slotted me into a good career in my home country (USA) before I moved to Europe to be with my husband. Anyway, let me know if you'd like to talk about this after you've read my post. And keep the faith- you will eventually find your way out of this. I am almost 45 and believe that, even at my age, starting over is possible. Hugs...


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## Rachel-

I'm with SEEKING CLARITY!
I also moved. I am from Italy and first moved to London then with my husband to Australia.
I have also lost my self confidence and become very dependent from my husband, socially and financially, no friends no money.
Now we are separated under the same roof with 2 little girls( 2 and 4 Years old) and I'm so scared for my future apart from also being very sad and depressed.
I can relate even though with different marriage problems.
My husband is very controlling.
Working on ourself is the only chance to change our future from miserable to satisfying and hopefully happy 
I hope we all get there eventually.


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## sttn

Thanks so much to everyone for the helpful comments, advice and encouragement. Just to get abc098's silly comment out of the way, I'm not just bailing. We have both tried really hard to work it out for six years. He has tried to change into the person I wanted and I have tried to change into the person he wanted but we just aren't those people. We both know we made a mistake. He just isn't at the point of letting go yet. I'm scarred to let go but deep down I know it is the right thing to do for both of us. 
Seeking Clarity and Rachel, it is a relief to hear someone else has experienced the same issues when moving to another country. Sometimes I feel like such a failure for not adjusting better but it can be a hard thing to adjust to. Its reassuring to hear other people have similar experiences! I hope the best for both of you! Thanks again to everyone for the advise. It is a relief to just talk about it. I think it is going to take a bit of time for me to get my confidence back and feel like I can stand on my own two feet again but I feel like I am at least headed in that direction.


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## msharley2u

as I read through the post and it looks like a long time since someone responded, I am wandering if the situation had change any for you? have you ever thought of trying to get involved with this work of his and just take an interest in it, to see what it is that he is doing that is so important to him instead of your marriage. Maybe that would help you understand him a little more. Also, if he doesnt want you to be involved with his work and know what he is doing, then maybe you need to start with counseling for both of you, if he refuses counseling like my ex did then thats a problem right there. In order for the marriage to get better you both have to be willing to work on it, if not there is a problem. I was with a man for 33 years, dated him for 8 years, at the age of 17, and then was married 25, we recently divorced, and that is not an easy process, because it messes with your heart and mind, keep the connection with God and that will help, but counseling will do you both good, if he wants to go, if not, well, there is no use in trying to work it out, obviously he has moved on and you havent heard this over and over and over, we sit and wait to change the person doesnt work, they need to do this themselves. So try to stay positive because things like this do bring us down, and we have to rise up and be better than before, but its all in your timing, and all in what you want. Please let me know how you are I do care.


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## sttn

Thanks for taking the time to write msharley2u. His work is computer programing and he is obsessed with it. It has ruled our lives ever since this relationship started. He tried to warn me when we first got together that he would not be a good partner because his software is his priority. I don't know why I ignored that warning. I think I thought if I became a better girlfriend he would like me as much as his software. I know now that was a mistake. I have tried to show interest in his work. I can't really speak to him about the technical aspects but I talk to him about his goals and show interest in his progress. To be fair he has changed a bit for me and gives me a little more time than he use to but he is never fully there during those times. I'll be talking to him and his eyes glaze over and I ask him what he is thinking about and surprise surprise it is programing. He is the ultimate computer geek. I'm laughing as I write about it because it seems funny that I am being replaced by a computer rather than another woman. Sometimes its funny but other times its just too much. 
I have suggested counseling and he flat out refuses. He makes excuses saying we are adults and we should be able to work out our issues without someone else fixing the problem for us. I think he is just scared that if we see a counselor they are going to tell him to reevaluate his priorities. He is very protective of his "software time". 
I do love him so at one point I decided I need to just accept that that is who he is and he is never going to give me the attention and time I need. So I decided I need to find that outside of the marriage by going out with friends more and talking to my friends about feelings and problems instead of him. But I wasn't happy with that because that just isn't the kind of marriage I want. I want to enjoy things with my husband. i want to be growing closer to him through the years not trying to keep a distance. 
I really don't want to get divorced but i really don't want to live like this either. I know I need to get the courage and make a move. If I'm not happy with my life then its up to me to fix it. 
Anyhow, I hope you are doing better after your divorce. I can't imagine how hard that is after 33 years. I hope you are coping well with the transition. Thank you again for taking the time to read my post and for your encouraging words.


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## turnera

You'll find someone else, sttn.


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## sttn

Thank you turnera for your encouragement and thank you for the good advice in your earlier reply.


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## Cathy Milano

Hello Seeking Clarity -

This is a post quite "late in the game" but if you still are having the same issue... I know exactly what you are talking about. I thought and felt the same way, actually still sort of do; BUT I was guided to this book that has made my life so much better with which to cope.

"Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. This is really for alcoholic relationship, but it works with many other types of relationships as well. 

The fact that you are having problems taking that step, (Now I'm guessing) because you are afraid of how it will affect your husband, probably says that his reactions are actually controlling you. 

Unless you already have someone possibly on the side, and I'm not saying that you do, you can learn to live in your marriage and be happy doing things for yourself (which is really the key to living happily). 

After all, as I have been told, on an airplane the attendants tell you to put your air mask on first, before helping anyone else. 

I hope this helps.


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## finding home

I too am trying to get the courage. I am American living in Europe with my 6 yr old son: I have found myself in a very unhappy relationship. In the past 3 years I have become a shadow of my former self. We are not a happy couple everything is an argument or it feels like we are always keeping score. He does not make me feel special and would rather spend time at the pub gossiping with his mates ( He is faithful that I do know) we never laugh or enjoy each other. I am very angry and it shows: I want to go back to the US with my son but I start to feel guilty since he and my son are close: I am also scared to be alone, to be honest I have always been in a relationship, Im not sure how to be alone.
I was meant to leave for the opening of the school year and whimped out. then to not return after Xmas yet here I am. Next plan for upcoming school year...

I have to find the courage because I feel the longer I stay the harder it will be for my son, this is NOT where I want his future.

Please I need some advice and courage to do it this time.

Thanks,


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## turnera

First make sure you can't fix your marriage. Just as you are unhappy and not getting what you want, it's a safe bet he feels the same way about you. He retreats, you retreat, neither gets anything they want. 

But you are hear to learn, so do this first. Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster and the Emotional Needs questionnaires - one of each for each of you. Avoid their forum - they are toxic!

Ask him to fill them out with you. The LB will tell you what you do to Love Bust him - make him unhappy - so you can stop doing things to make him unhappy. The EN will tell you what his top needs are, so you can make sure you are meeting those needs (instead of his bar mates). He goes there because they make him happy (meet his ENs) and because they DON'T make him UNHAPPY (LBs).

If you want him to care about you, stop LBing you, start meeting your ENs, you have to do the same for him. These questionnaires give you exact information to know exactly what to do and not do.

Once you start changing YOUR actions, he will start to feel loved again, and his love for you will return, and he will start wanting to make YOU feel loved again. One of you has to go first. May as well be you. 

Do this for at least 3 months, and if nothing changes, then you probably aren't in love with each other.


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## GoodLove

If you have been unhappy for 6 out of 7 years, and you don't want to have kids with this man because your heart knows you don't want to be bonded with him any more than you already are, then you should put this marriage out of its misery. It sounds like you fell out of love a long time ago, and if you don't have love, then you will never be happy. Find someone who makes you truly, deeply happy, or just enjoy being on your own. Life is too short to be miserable with the person your with--find someone who makes you happy, and give your husband the chance to find someone who truly loves him.


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