# A long road



## confuseduk (Oct 18, 2010)

Hi All,

Bit of history,

Have been married for 20 years, 2 children 19 and 16 (one at home the other at university)

13 years ago we had a really rocky patch, and both had what was emotional affairs (both very briefly physical) we moved on, addressed the issues and in all honesty the last 10 years have been great.

In the last 6 months our 16 year old has been going through a tough time with an eating disorder. We have been together dealing with it and are making progress in the right direction.

In the last 2-3 months I noticed a slight change in behaviour in my wife (bear in mind, we are getting on really well) and given our history 2 months ago I had a look at her phone. She had started messaging a male colleague in the evenings etc. Nothing sexual, no flirting but possibly slightly over friendly, discussing shared music and books. At the time I just though hmmmm I will keep an eye on this.

One week ago ( I had been away with work) when I got back I checked again, and the exchange had vanished. I confronted and there was denial to start with, then over a couple of days/trickle truth I have found out this so far.

The messages were still on the phone, just hidden. I have seen them all and the tone of the messages hasn't changed
Messaging is infrequent, but when it does happen its a long conversation
It has happened when I have been away with work
She had tried to call him in the evening twice, he replied saying I cant talk now
They have met for coffee once after work

We have discussed at length, she insists that's it nothing more.

Since he has messaged asking to meet up next week, she hasnt replied yet, or killed the conversation

Where do I go from here? Whether or not she is telling the truth, because of the secrecy and trickle truths, I will never know and always have unanswered questions.

It is complicated because of my daughter, she is in a very precarious place right now, and we are making progress. I believe she is unaware of anything going on.

Have I over reacted. I've done the 'how could you after what has happened before' she seems genuinely remorseful.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

confuseduk said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Bit of history,
> 
> ...


She breaks off all contact with this guy and she stops hiding messages on her phone. That’s the absolute minimum. 
In your shoes I would be having a word with him and if he’s in a relationship I would also have a word with his partner.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

At the very least, she has serious boundary issues. Has this been discussed previously? Seems like something that would have come up following the two EAs that were somehow “briefly” physical, whatever that means.


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## confuseduk (Oct 18, 2010)

Sorry if I wasn't clear, 10 years ago we both had an EA (it was a strange time) and genuinely we have moved on in a positive way and up till now had a really strong marriage.

Agreed with the break all contact, and no more hiding messages, I guess part of it now is a waiting game.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

confuseduk said:


> I guess part of it now is a waiting game.


I agree with others about the no contact, and with having a word with him and his partner.

I have to disagree with the "waiting". Your wife made a promise that she would "forsake all others" and "keep herself only unto you". Her avoidance of all contact should be NOW and FOREVER. No messages, no visits, no phone, no email, no facebook, NOTHING. And within the next 10 minutes.

Your wife is doing this because she lacks respect for you. You cannot make her have it, but you can refuse to be her husband if she doesn't.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

time to tell the OMW
also WW must go NC with the OM, which means she quits.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Agree with TJW, there's not a option to wait
You both been there played and here you are again. You daughters illness is something to care for but so is you marriage. It all stops copy all the text show her this is how it starts but she knows this already.

Your boundaries you both set 10 yes age don't disappear with time. But only end with your marriage. Maybe that's where your wife wants it to go. Be her husband and find out put it out there for her to see if she doesn't choose it, sorry she doesn't want to save it.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

With her history and how dismissive she is right now, it makes me wonder if she thinks this is all okay. I wonder if you really know about everything. Maybe she doesn't take it any farther, but maybe she's done this with other men. She may enjoy having these flirty relationships with male confidants. It's astounding that you have to try to convince a married woman these kinds of relationships with other men are problematic.

You say things have been going well, but you might start wondering if it's because she's getting her emotional needs satisfied elsewhere. It's common for the wayward spouse to be in a good mood when they are in the midst of their affair. So maybe it was good because your relationship was good, or maybe it was good because of what she had on the side.

I might recommend giving your wife an ultimatum. Tell her to drop this relationship or you are divorcing. Hopefully she cares enough about her daughter to put her first. If this was the first time I could see trying to work it out, but given her past you have to decide how many more times you want to go through this with her. If she wants to work it out, make it clear that these kinds of relationships with are forbidden.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

So she now has a meet up request that she has not answered yet.

She has not gone NC.

She called him twice while you were away.

She still works with him.

Not over. She may be talking about remorse, but her actions show that she is faking it with you and still considers him an option.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

If she works with this OM then she quits now, if she contacts him again you divorce, if he is married tell his wife he is dating your wife. Workplace affairs suck, how do you know they only met once for coffee? How do you know she isn’t in his office all day? How do you know they aren’t on work phones all day? How do you know they don’t enjoy lunch and walks all day? She lied to you, she gave you tidbits that she felt comfortable to give, but she hasn’t told you the full story yet. Get divorce papers and leave them laying around, leave his contact information laying with it. Get a firm grip on this and then squeeze the life out of it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

confuseduk said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Bit of history,
> 
> ...


Ask your wife if the OM has a wife or a girlfriend. If the answer is yes then calmly request her contact details so you can start having friendly conversations with her like your wife and the OM are enjoying. After all, goose, gander, sauce and all that.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Tilted 1 said:


> Your boundaries you both set 10 yes age don't disappear with time. But only end with your marriage. Maybe that's where your wife wants it to go. Be her husband and find out put it out there for her to see if she doesn't choose it, sorry she doesn't want to save it.


You're hitting on something here that is really important. You suggest that boundary issues don't disappear with time.

But, that's not the real world for most people. Some believe, at some level, that there's a statute of limitations on agreements of all sorts. That a prior lie is no longer relevant as time passes.

We talk about renewing wedding vows, but I think that's not a good way of looking at things. It's a distraction from something that should be done on a regular basis, rather than a grand gesture after many decades (or after something's gone seriously amiss).

I think marriage should involve a pretty frequent discussion and renewal of boundaries and things left unsaid that have piled up. Employers give reviews on a regular basis. Why don't we give our marriages a review on a regular basis? Why not set up a time, maybe two months before each anniversary (maybe that's asking too much, perhaps every 5 years?) to discuss and renew, so that we enter that next year, celebrate that next anniversary, knowing what we have, what we mean to each other, and if there are issues, deal with them sooner than later?

The boundary issue is probably the most-common source of infidelity stories on TAM. How many situations could have been prevented if the need for boundaries was made clear before the situation came up? How many people would be happier if they respected those boundaries for the reasons they exist, protection of what's special, what makes a marriage unique and special and offers things shared with nobody else on the planet? And if that's not the case, if the two don't feel that way anymore, then going down the path of flexing those boundaries and maybe eliminating them... isn't that a whole lot worse than deciding it's not working and moving on?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I am going further than some others. 

You are being weak, and this is exactly the wrong time for you to be doing this. 

She is out of line, and unless you have done a complete forensic on her phone you really do not know what they are talking about. 

So let's just get that out there. Now I am not saying the she is physical with him yet, but at work, it is more... at least an EA... And since both of you guys old affairs did actually go physical... you can drop the EA crap for both of them. 

Listen, she has to quit her job and give you her phone or you file. If you don't, you will regret it... 

We have all seen this a thousand times.

Further, if your relationship is so great, why is she talking to another man, I would suggest YOU think it is great... Her, not so much.

Seriously, get your head straight...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

“Wife, since you’re nothing but friends with this guy, how about we set up dinner or drinks for the four of us - you, me, him, and whoever he’s with. We can all talk and get to know each other. And, you know, clear the air a bit about why you’re talking to him and hiding the messages. What’s that? You think that’s crazy? That’s weird, I actually just texted him an hour ago about setting it up for tonight. He hasn’t responded yet, I wonder why that is?”


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

This----->
You do not see what is under the surface.
And I'm sorry....


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

If you keep going the way you are, she will probably cheat again which you will try to avoid dealing with and you will generally be miserable. Or you can become assertive and move towards a better life with or with out your unfaithful wife.


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## confuseduk (Oct 18, 2010)

Update,

She has deleted his contact from her phone (though not the messages, so kind of pointless really) I have scanned her phone with Dr Phone and there is nothing deleted (how reliable is it with wattsapp messages?) she has other ways to contact him (e.g. via work email, which though I don't have access to the system is heavily monitored so I would be very surprised if there is a conversation going on there)


She has agreed to counselling and our first session is next weekend, though where we have got to so far is,

She has admitted she was leading the exchanges (though it wasn't what I would define as frequent) and was using him as emotional support/friendship.

I am still torn about what to do at this stage, 

On one side she has lost my trust, betrayed me, lied to me, hid the messages etc

On the other side, the messages are friendly not flirty, she hasn't deleted any, and I have found no evidence of a secret account anywhere (I am far better technically than her, I don't think the would manage to hide anything.

I think if I was giving advice to someone else it would be to have a separation at the very least, but life isn't that simple inside the problem.

To complicate matter further we are expats a long way from home, with another move on the cards next year. We really do only have each other (no family close by) I will probably have to work in the new country for 3-4 months before the full move,

Whilst I am prepared to move on with my life either together or apart, I want to make sure I am doing it for the correct reasons, and not throwing everything away for what is on the face of it a friendship (on the evidence I have found)


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

confuseduk said:


> Update,
> 
> She has deleted his contact from her phone (though not the messages, so kind of pointless really) I have scanned her phone with Dr Phone and there is nothing deleted (how reliable is it with wattsapp messages?) she has other ways to contact him (e.g. via work email, which though I don't have access to the system is heavily monitored so I would be very surprised if there is a conversation going on there)
> 
> ...


Can you please clarify this? So you will be in a different country from your family for some months?


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## confuseduk (Oct 18, 2010)

Correct, then they would be joining me, though nothing certain yet


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

confuseduk said:


> Correct, though nothing certain yet


Figure out a way for this not to happen. And separation at this point is probably a bad idea, it would just be permission.

Either full NC without them working together, or you go you own way. Probably the only scenarios that will best for you.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

manwithnoname said:


> Figure out a way for this not to happen. And separation at this point is probably a bad idea, it would just be permission.
> 
> Either full NC without them working together, or you go you own way. Probably the only scenarios that will best for you.


No ****. Leave for three months at this point and he'll be the new man of your house before your plane lands.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You need to reach out to OM’s wife and let her know the extent of their inappropriate communications. I guarantee you that she will not have your weak and indecisive reaction. 

There’s no guarantee this hasn’t already been physical. Doesn’t mean OM already sexually had your wife but kissing her on the lips and some hand holding when their sitting having coffee is a very high possibility. 
Remember, It takes time for a guy to get to the first intimate kiss from a married woman but from there, sex follows usually within days. 

As for your future move , it has to be as a family at the same time. You leave your wife alone for 3 months and you’re going to lose her for sure. As it is, with you there, she’s pursuing another man. With you not in the picture, this guy will be using your home as a free hotel.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ah, jeeez.. 

Do you love your wife or not?

If yea, fight for her, set her straight.
If nah, take flight from her, straight away.

I see the same cycle repeating from her last EA/PA.
It is obvious to me, now you, that she is susceptible to these wanderlust forces from 'without'.

She can be had, has been had before. :|

Some people can be 'bumped off center', every so many years. 

I will leave my explanation at 'that'. :grin2:


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

How did she hide the string of text messages?
Is she deleting them now and/or going underground?

You've already received great advice. My two cents: at this point you can not over react.

Every spouse deserves to feel safe (from infidelity) in their marriage. Your wife's behavior (hiding texts, investing time & sharing with OM instead of you) is a big fail. You must show zero tolerance for the EA and she must understand that she has to make a choice: the EA or her marriage (there's no middle ground).

If you have doubts about whether the affair is physical, then suggest a polygraph test for you own peace of mind. 

If she (or the OM) needs a buddy, they should lean on a family member, same sex friend or go to IC for emotional support.

You both should read: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass

The book is based on research of couples that experienced infidelity - and the boundaries that were crossed leading to infidelity.

If your wife wants to stay married: After reading this book it would be very difficult for your wife to defend her relationship with the OM.

She let the relationship go too far for you to feel safe with respect to further contact.

If she sees him at work (even across the parking lot), then the emotional connection (and temptation) will continue. 
Therefore, she must find another employer.

No contact with the OM, changing jobs, a polygraph test are not intended to punish her - but to make you feel safe (because of her behavior).


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

confuseduk said:


> Update,
> 
> She has deleted his contact from her phone (though not the messages, so kind of pointless really) I have scanned her phone with Dr Phone and there is nothing deleted (how reliable is it with wattsapp messages?) she has other ways to contact him (e.g. via work email, which though I don't have access to the system is heavily monitored so I would be very surprised if there is a conversation going on there)
> 
> ...


She works with him, communication is no problem.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

confuseduk said:


> Correct, then they would be joining me, though nothing certain yet


You do understand whats going to happen right?
She is soothing you right now with MC until you leave.
She can talk to him anytime, without you knowing because they work together.
Yikes man. Major red flags here.
Money is on them being bunkmates before your side of the bed is cold.

You have some decisions to make. Regarding her, your marriage and your job away.
Im sorry but i think this one is done. She doesn’t even think shes doing anything wrong.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Gandi, kaupts over and fin. You can't trust her because you know her. And what she is capable of. You just fail to do things about it, and when you do she chews it up and spits it back in your face for you to eat. Question how does that taste? Tell her to end it and if you don't when you return home from your from three months. Take her to do a polygraph test. She will fail it, then you return to your new life abroad. Besides she has a burner phone somewhere. That's the reason she's so calm she's addicted to this fling. And is still in contact nightly or has patience, so when you leave she gives him the Full Menu to satisfy him for waiting. She'll make it worth it for him. And they are just abiding there time. Sorry dude.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

You guys definitely have a lot of stressful issues in your marriage--previous infidelity, child's health, and living remotely--which means it's very likely that problematic issues are going to pop up. It doesn't mean that it's justified to act that way, but it's not all that unexpected that people in stressful situations act out in inappropriate ways.

If you guys want to make this work, you'll need to commit to working at making your marriage good. There are too many stressful issues for your marriage to just cruise along. If you don't put extra effort towards making your relationship strong, your marriage is going to fall apart. Think of your marriage as an extra hobby that you both put extra time into. You guys need to make effort to spend time together where you connect emotionally, read marriage books together, make it a priority to make each other happy, etc. 

What you might tell your wife is something like "I want our marriage to work out and family to stay together. I want to give this a try and for us to fix things. But let me be clear, if anything like this ever happens again, we're divorcing regardless of the fallout to me, you, or the kids ."

If you guys were in a more stable life situation, I think it would be much better to just divorce and move on. But it would be pretty stressful and complicated to try to break up now with all you have going on. I think because divorce would be so hard, it might be worth trying to fix the marriage. You can always divorce later if it doesn't work out.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Is my understanding correct? This is no longer a one sided relationship (on her part). Although she initially reached out to him, he is currently reaching out to her to meet.

The texts do not have to be flirty to make you feel unsafe. With her history, she should know better and not be reaching out to a man for emotional support or friendship. She's exposing you to feeling unsafe - and her marriage to infidelity. 

I agree that under the circumstances (with her in an EA and continuing to work with him) you are not going to have any peace of mind while you're out of the country for 3 months. IMO since she's already crossed the line with him their EA will escalate in your absence.

She created this mess. Ask her what she plans to do to restore trust? Especially in view of your absence for 3 months.

Put it in the context of what can she do to save her marriage 'today' - because you have zero tolerance for a marriage where you feel unsafe.

Don't expect a MC to take a firm stand against her behavior. The MC will likely go for middle ground calling on you to give her another chance and 'trust' her. Which means 3 months of hell while you're out of the country.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

What kind of work environment does your wife have? Does she work closely with the OM? IS he a supervisor?
Is this a professional office with standards of conduct? 

In view of you leaving the country for 3 months, you don't have time to just wait and see.

If the OM is married, notify his wife (without warning your wife).
Your wife should send a letter of NC.

I'm not suggesting a physical confrontation but I am suggesting you be very assertive. Consider visiting the office (to meet your wife for lunch) to show she's not available. Meet the OM and say whatever you need to say to make sure he knows you know ....


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

confuseduk said:


> Update,
> 
> She has deleted his contact from her phone (though not the messages, so kind of pointless really) I have scanned her phone with Dr Phone and there is nothing deleted (how reliable is it with wattsapp messages?) she has other ways to contact him (e.g. via work email, which though I don't have access to the system is heavily monitored so I would be very surprised if there is a conversation going on there)
> 
> ...


Been there. 

Don’t focus on the other guy or even her relationship with him. 

Focus on the lying. That’s what kills relationships. 

Why did she lie to you? Don’t accept that it’s your fault she lied to you. 

Why is she not going to lie to you in the future?

Why should you believe her now?

That’s what you need answers to.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Confuseduk, these things can turn physical with the speed of light. I'd bet it has.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

When you notify the OBS do not warn your wife in advance. Why? because she will warn the OM and he will label you as jealous and controlling (and possibly abusive) in order to discredit you.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

expose this ea maybe pa to the omw
demand nc with the om
polygraph WW


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Robert22205 said:


> When you notify the OBS do not warn your wife in advance. Why? because she will warn the OM and he will label you as jealous and controlling (and possibly abusive) in order to discredit you.


 This^ and when she comes *****in' at you for contacting the OBS you will know they are still in contact.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Confused, it been 24 + hrs since you have logged on. Where are you? What are you thinking? Stay with us, the answers given are strong, but not emotionally given. And it's for your best interest is why they may seem, over the top.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Why did she hide the messages?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

If the phone isn't rooted you will not beable to uncover deleted texts/calls. Even using a program like Drfone - it will only show texts and calls already on the phone. 

Rooting a phone bypasses the phones security. This must be done first, to uncover deleted text messages/ phone calls.

Its possibe shes already deleted anything incriminating, because she knew you would be looking.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ladybird said:


> If the phone isn't *rooted *you will not be able to uncover deleted texts/calls. Even using a program like Drfone - it will only show texts and calls already on the phone.
> 
> * Rooting* a phone bypasses the phones security. This must be done first, to uncover deleted text messages/ phone calls.
> 
> Its possible shes already deleted anything incriminating, because she knew you would be looking.


Rooting, this word is meaningful in other ways.

She has deep roots in dark places. She draws her refreshing water from hidden, underground sources. This is the way she instinctively manages her needs. I think she is hooked on intrigue and living on the edge. Neither of you have a lot of close friends. Her friends normally come from her workplace, a _common_ thing. 

You are her husband, fathast, she is prone to finding a *_common-law_ husband at work.

The thing is....

At home, she is the dish washer, the cook, the taxi driver and appointment maker.

At work, she is a more, she is woman.
She is valued for her other 'attributes'.

Her looks.
Her smile.
Her words.
Her sexual attributes.

Of course, she is valued for her work ethic, her contribution to the company, her teamwork. These are very important things to most women.

*an dàrna duine


King Brian-


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## confuseduk (Oct 18, 2010)

Thankyou all for your replies, some of them have been hard to read, truth hurts I guess,

2 weeks now since D day, it felt like we were making progress. However I said to her for this to stand any chance of recovery I need to start rebuilding my trust in you, show me your work emails, (she had denied any contact since btw) 

Anyway there you go, 1 week ago message exchange, initiated by her.

For me the marriage is now over and I said so last night.

Right now my only concerns are for my daughter, she is now in the dangerously underweight category however it actually feels like she hit the bottom and is now making tentative steps to recovery. I honestly do not know what is best for her at this point and as far as I am aware my daughter doesn't know what is going on, she hasn't spoke about it.

I feel like I am in between a very big rock, and a very hard place. Apart from the MC the only place I have shared anything of this is on here.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry, that this ended up this way. This is so common, 

Ugh.

There is a strong link between any daughter and her mother.

At minimum, in your case, it is hunger.

For your wife it is hunger for attention and recognition from other men, she craves romance. She likely has her own self esteem problems. She enjoys attention from men.

For your daughter, she uses her hunger to draw attention to herself, she is depressed and anxious. She likely has image issues. She has self esteem problems, (like her mother?)
She CAN control her weight and she uses that to cope with her emotional problems. It may be that the mother pressured her early on not to eat too much, to keep herself thin, so as to be attractive. Whatever issues the mother had, she projected onto the child. The mother likely was raised in a household where she did not feel valued, and she was pressured about her looks. It is a repeating cycle.

Some of this acting out way (in this way) is genetic, in that a tendency to be heavy is passed on. The mother, maybe the siblings, or other family members were naturally chubby. The child is constantly scolded for eating too much. Your wayward wife (and likely her mother) struggled with weight issues. Sometimes a sister will pressure or chide another sister about being fat. Sibling rivalry can be cruel.

For example, "Don't eat too much, it will make you fat!" This is constantly heard in the home. Certain foods, cakes and pies, anything fattening is forbidden to be in the house.
Being fat becomes the worst thing possible. 

Young girls, especially, feel the pressure to be attractive. Any criticism about their appearance sets them spinning out of control. Girls are constantly comparing themselves to other girls. They see how prettier girls get the attention of boys.

It is part hormonal, part peer pressure, both at school, and at home.

Or, it can also be a situation where natural beauty is present, and such, maintaining that beauty becomes the most important thing. For the mother, and per her instructions for her daughter(s).

Remember, children live in the same house and hear most everything. They know when parents are having issues. And some children snoop on their parents, listen to them during their phone calls. 

Tension is contagious, any felt at home spreads to all who live there.



Lilith-


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## confuseduk (Oct 18, 2010)

SunCMars said:


> Sorry, that this ended up this way. This is so common,
> 
> Ugh.
> 
> ...


Self esteem issues definitely, no weight issues in family, jut a normal healthy lifestyle. My daughters issues stem we think to an issue at school, prior to that she was just a normal teenage girl. She is in counselling at the moment focussing on the self esteem side of it.

Its weird 6 months ago everything was good, now I feel like my family is a psychologists case book waiting to be published


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Now, this will seem far fetched. And I do not expect any such agreement....

Just a thought......

The 5th house (and its ruler) has some domain over love affairs, and it rules ones children, especially the first born. Anything noted and felt adverse 'there' could translate also to the child.
This is the link to our children. 

Your wife's actions points me that place. Her 5th house. And maybe to her 7th.
Your wife's pot is being stirred.

We are these programmed beings.

Just a thought.....


Ah, yeah...
Carry on!


KB-


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

She cannot continue to work with OM. They don’t need to communicate through phone or email. This guy has access to her in person. I really doubt OM hasn’t at least kissed her and held her hands during their lunches together. 

The Few email and text exchanges that you found will never give you the true picture of how they interact. How your wife is being openly flirty and displaying availability through her body language. 

You have a very long history and have built a family together that has lasted 2 decades. It will not continue if you keep displaying such a weak frame. This is the mother of your kids and yet I’m getting a very passive vibe from you. Women respond to a man’s strength and confidence. Right now there’s a guy who’s displaying boldness by pursuing a married mother and there husband husband that seems to be walking on eggshells so as to not appear controlling. Who do you think she gets moist for?


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

Have you ascertained OM's partnership status? (and I don't mean taking your wife's word for it).

If he has a wife/partner (he wasn't able to talk when she rang him?) they ought to know. 

a) because we none of us know the state of their relationship and not knowing might lead to much avoidable pain and

b) two sets of eyes and ears are better than one - plus, if the contact is of no real importance to him the threat of losing his home life may bring matters to an abrupt, and possibly permanent, halt.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

The truth hurts. I'm sorry you're experiencing such pain and disappointment. Feel free to vent as well as update. You are not alone.

It's important that you remain firm and show zero tolerance for her behavior (no crying or begging or being mr nice). She must believe you will divorce her (bluff if you have to) if she doesn't go NC. She also needs to find another job or quit - and move to the other country with you.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Sorry you're going through this, my friend. Been there, done that, as have thousands of other guys. 
I wrote a book for guys in your shoes: www.dadstartingover.com/now-what


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

confuseduk said:


> Thankyou all for your replies, some of them have been hard to read, truth hurts I guess,
> 
> 2 weeks now since D day, it felt like we were making progress. However I said to her for this to stand any chance of recovery I need to start rebuilding my trust in you, show me your work emails, (she had denied any contact since btw)
> 
> ...


I agree that you have to weigh things very carefully for your daughter's sake. What you don't tell us here is your WW's reaction to the discovery that she initiated contact again and was thus lying to you. You say that you are slated to move ahead of your family and be in the new place on your own for 4 months. This time might give you the leeway you need to keep your daughter stable even though you and your WW are not. (It also gives your WW the chance to just keep cheating, which will bother you whether you divorce or try to stay together.)


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Go dark with your wife. She sleeps in another room, limit all communications with her to be only about the kids. If she wants to talk about the relationship, just walk away. There’s nothing more that needs to be said.

She will first get angry (because you’re acting inconveniently), then she’ll get anxious, and then she’ll bargain. All of it will be a lie, most likely, to get both of you back to a comfortable status quo.

Or she’ll just shrug and walk away from the marriage, because she’s been over it for a long time.

Either way, shields up. Get a lawyer. Do what he says to do. Copy all important documents, keep a journal of all your interactions and everything that happens, focus all your energy on your kids, and when you’re not doing that, focus all of your energy on self-improvement.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Why did she reach out to the OM?

What did their message exchange say? What emotional need did she express?

How did your wife react when you said the marriage is over?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Robert22205 said:


> Why did she reach out to the OM?
> 
> *What did their message exchange say? What emotional need did she express?
> *
> How did your wife react when you said the marriage is over?


At this point it does not matter. She carried the 'gall' across the final Toll line.

She touched down, out of bounds, out of OP's marriage.




KB-


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Robert22205 said:


> Why did she reach out to the OM?
> 
> What did their message exchange say? What emotional need did she express?
> 
> How did your wife react when you said the marriage is over?





SunCMars said:


> At this point it does not matter. She carried the 'gall' across the final Toll line.
> 
> She touched down, out of bounds, out of OP's marriage.
> 
> ...


Yep. The reason is immaterial now.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Let her go. That's what she wants so give it to her.


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