# What is wrong with me?



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

We are ticking along, when he is around (he travels for work more than 50% of each month) we socialise together alone, with others, plays, movies, coffee, shopping, etc. We have great sex too! 
I know he is trying and I am still seeing an IC. He doesn't see his so much due to time constraints.

He tries to ask me how I am, how is my work, etc but tbh I don't want to engage in that kind of conversation with him and I change the conversation around to him. He loves talking about himself so no problem there :wink2: 

It's like there is a part of me I just do not want to share with him, will this change?

My problem is I cannot move forward and just enjoy the moment as there is a big dark cloud that I cannot see through. To my mind the period in 2011-13 has not been dealt with, I bring it up he says nothing happened that we need to focus on the future. However, I cannot stop myself of ruminating over this though I do not have concrete proof. I know if I did have proof that would be it.

I am a thinker and I am working myself into a tizzy and some days I dream of moving out, getting my own place and just walking out. I know if he really changes (and I think he is changing) I will make a huge mistake but I am having a huge issue with trust. The bottom line is I do not trust him. I do not know how to rebuild trust or whether I really want to tbh. 
The diaries I kept before flagged up all my issues with him, the counsellor suggested I get rid of them as I was 'feasting' on them a little too much. i did get rid of them but that hasn't helped. 

I know I have to go over this with my counsellor, but how do you just trust when your trust has been broken, promises made and broken and now I am expected to believe that this wont happen again? I just do not want to be made a fool of.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi

Perhaps you should suggest to him the past is the future, unless you change it. Knowing this how can you move forward knowing that it will happen again? As painful as it may be for both of you - it needs addressing, 

He is a guy, he knows you process emotions differntly, so perhaps he reluctant to engage out of concern doing more harm. MC might be seen as not giving him the tools to engage but rather justification for you to leave. 

I've seen your other posts. You know the chose limbo can cause. End it one way or another, but in the process make clear you rally want to be all in.

Take care Anie


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Anie,

it sounds like your playing house but your not playing marriage, what i mean to say is that your stuck, you can't move forward, because your stuck in the past, you can't be open with your feelings with him in the presence because you don't trust him for the past. So you basically short changing yourself of a life, whether it be with him or with out him. you either need to move forward (even small steps (like how you are feelings and opening even a little bit)) or you need to move on...i get it both paths are scary and you don't know which path will lead to greater happiness for you, but i can tell you this... that just staying still and just playing house will not get you to either destination.

F


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I feel for you.
I have been in the same boat for the last 4 months, wondering how I can rebuild a marriage to a man I do not trust. And who, I found out, also doesn't really trust me. Our trust issues are not due to infidelity but they are just as damaging.

We're separated again, but strangely enough, it wasn't the trust issue that did it. 

Try not to dwell, ruminate or "think" so much. Try to let the stress go. A coworker gave me great advice...she said when our relationships are in trouble, we tend to hold on with a tighter clasp and this ends up making both spouses feel suffocated. When we really should be loosening our grip and giving each other a lot of room to breath and just "be". Can you do that?


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## cam1974 (Oct 24, 2015)

I too am in the same boat. It's been 2 1/2 months since I found out about him and my best friend. I have a lot of frustrations built up because I feel I don't have any closure on this. I feel like everything got swept under the rug and not dealt with. Every time I would try to bring it up to talk about, he would get angry and tell me there was nothing to talk about because it was over. I tried telling him this does not help because I feel there was something that caused him to stray. I want to trust him again, but not having closure is making it difficult


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## cam1974 (Oct 24, 2015)

I do agree with Orange Pekoe though about giving each other "room to breathe" . I think this might be part of my problem too. I need to take a step back because I have been very clingy since we are going through R.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

cam1974 said:


> I do agree with Orange Pekoe though about giving each other "room to breathe" . I think this might be part of my problem too. I need to take a step back because I have been very clingy since we are going through R.


I edited my post because I wanted to make it clear that trust issues in my relationship are not due to infidelity. An affair was not the reason for broken trust.

The reason I wanted to make it clear is - I honestly don't think I'd be able to ever move past an affair. To me, it's a deal breaker. I would not be willing to give my husband "room to breathe", I'd want him to simply leave. But that's me. We each have our unique circumstances, feelings and different ability to deal with situations.

That's why I asked aine if she would be able to give her husband room to breathe. It makes it so much more difficult for her because she does not have solid proof of an affair, but rather a nagging intense suspicion of it. Which is so hard to deal with!


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Not knowing your background, he probably is just hoping that you can move past it the way we men often do, by compartmentalizing it away. I don't mean that in a negative way, like he is trying to make you forget or anything, but that is probably just how he handles those things, and maybe forgets that you will process such things differently.

Ultimately if you feel the past is unresolved, then that is going to hold you back for a long while. He's right that ultimately you should focus on the future, but you have to first process and eventually be able to "move past the past" first. Again, not knowing your past history, assuming it's something pretty negative relating to his actions/decisions/choices/etc., then it makes sense that he might want to try to not dig that back up. Some people have a tendency to rehash the past with frequency, almost like a weapon whenever their upset or arguing or whatever, and I'll assume that this isn't what you're doing. For others, they worry that by processing the past, they might undo a whole lot of progress that they have had recently. I could easily see that being the case with you and your husband, as you mention how much better you both get along these days. I could understand him being worried that this progress might be lost if you travel down that road again. I'd say this is what marriage counseling would be good for, digging up and processing the past, then eventually burying it again so that you can both move forward.

Eventually, you both have to reach a point of forgiveness for one another over any past issues. Forgiveness means releasing them from the emotional debt, agreeing to not bring it up again or use it against them. It's literally like telling someone who borrowed $1,000 from you that they can forget about the debt, they owe you nothing. Until that point, the debt will do nothing but spoil any potential relationship rebuilding.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Thanks for the replies, Xenote your note on playing happy families resonates with me, my H even said that to me once. I am in the marriage, with a back door escape route, it that makes sense. 

It's not as if the trust issues were never there, they have always been there, it's just now the kids are gone I am less inclined to put up with any (even minutely) Bull**** so I am on alert all the time, it can be emotionally exhausting. I know I have to work with my IC on this.

CD, yes he compartmentalises big time. He is also selfish in many ways, so covering his own butt and feeling good about himself will come first. Looking to the future is want he wants to do, I am just creating problems when there is no point in digging up the past, his words. This is also a cultural and family approach, sweep under the carpet is the best route. 

If i knew exactly what i was dealing with (I know he cheated when my son was born because he told me, and I suspect he cheated a few years ago, lots of red flags no proof and denial). I am not a suspicious person by nature, in fact I am too trusting generally and look for the good in people but this last few years with him, I am constantly on alert, it is no way to live. I just want a way of living in the moment and taking it a day at a time. When he is away it gets worse, my mind keeps replaying things. I guess time will sort me out and when I start working full time (soon) I will not have time to think so much!


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