# Physical intimacy in marriage



## MrJoshua (Jul 3, 2008)

Hi everyone, I've been a long time reader, first time poster, on these forums and a lot of what I have read here has inspired me to try and resolve some of my own relationship problems. Let me firstly say that I'm 32 years old, happily married for about 7 years now to my lovely wife of 31, and we have 2 children: a 5 year old and a new born. I am absolutely in love with my wife and have been throughout the relationship, however I have at times felt the feeling from her was not mutual. We get along well, never fight, do things together, laugh and have fun, and overall have a great relationship, but there has always been something missing and It's only recently that I understand what it is. 

Sex for us has always been very rare. It's the classic case of my wife never wanting sex and over time I have just grown to accept her decision. The only regular period we actually did have sex was while trying for our new baby. Any other time I would say sexual interaction happened about 1-2 times month, which never involved intercourse and always initiated by me. I knew she never wanted it, and I felt really guilty always asking her for it and as a result it hardly ever happened. I always thought that this was normal, as you hear all the time the classic phrase, 'Honey I've got a headache'. It wasn't until I started reading these forums that I started realising that there may be a problem.

I investigated this problem in more detail, reading a lot of posts from here and other forums and it seems to be a common problem - Lack of Sex. I was surprised at a couple of the posts of people complaining about not getting sex more often when they already get it once a week. Wow! I'd love to get it that often. But it wasn't until I read a recent thread in this forum, that I realised what the real problem is. It wasn't just the fact there was no sex, but the lack of physical intimacy. It was like a alarm going off in my head, and everything just became clear as to what was happening, and why I haven't been 100% happy all this time. 

It's about how you show your love for each other and what each person needs to feel loved. My wife is a person that doesn't need much physical intimacy to feel loved, and therefore does not seek it. Me on the other hand, I need the physical stuff to make me feel loved by my wife. I'm not just talking about sex, but also just the normal hugs, kisses and physical closeness. All of this time I've wanted this from my wife and she has not realised. My wife shows me love in other ways that I very much appreciate, but without the physical intimacy that I require, still makes me feel incomplete. 

I felt so happy when I found this out as the problem wasn't because my wife didn't love me, it was because she didn't understand what it was that I needed to feel loved. So I then had to tell her how I was really feeling. This was the hard part. How do you tell someone you love so much, that you haven't been getting the things that you want from her all this time? It took me a lot of will power and talks of encouragement with myself to finally let her know. I tried to say it in the nicest possible way, by letting her know I really love her and that I was just letting her know this to make our relationship stronger, but her reaction wasn't that good. 

She was extremely upset, and she said she was doing the best she can. She also said that she gets emotionally swamped by our kids all day and by the time I get home she doesn't feel like being intimate. I can certainly understand this because it really is hard work looking after 2 kids, but I do try to help out wherever I can. My fear is at the moment that I may have hurt her too much that she will do something drastic. I value our relationship more than anything, even if it means me not being 100% happy from lack of physical intimacy. 

I'm wondering if I was too quick to tell her this and I did not think about all of the pressure she is under at the moment, with our new born and 5 year old to look after. I guess my question for everyone here is am I doing the right thing? Do I pursue this further and try and make my wife understand my needs and run the risk of hurting her further, or do I wait a while until maybe the kids have grown up a bit more and she's under less pressure? I really will value your opinion and I thank you for taking the time to read my post.

MrJoshua.

Here is the post I mentioned earlier: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/1600-typical-i-want-she-doesnt.html
Special thanks to casualty81 and BlueCreek for your inspiring posts.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First I agree with you. My wife and I kiss often maybe 50-100 times in a day. We regular hug, cuddle and always hold hand when we are walking together outside the house. It is an important part of our relationship. We have a great sex life by-the-way. 

But all of that is built. Do you make it a point when you leave r come home to kiss her? That is an important thing. It might seem trivial but in the long run it gets you where you want to go.

Give a hug and a thank you often. Nice words and gestures can't hurt and often help.

Watch tv and movies together and use that time to cuddle. Have your arm around her and let her use you as a pillow.

If she complains about her day give her a foot rub.

For mothers day I let my wife go to a foot spa paid by me while I watched the kids and got caught up on all the house work.

We have "dates" every week because that is important to our relationship.

DOn't jump in and try to do all the advise you get all at once but rather get one thing going for a while before going to the next step. Never settle back to the way things were.

Get good communication going.

draconis


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## BlueCreek (May 5, 2008)

Tell you what, When I addressed things with my wife, I had been married seven years, was 34, had a 4 1/2 year old and a 7 month old baby. Sound familiar?  We also had what most would say is a pretty good relationship, the only thing really lacking was the physical intimacy, and I was the only one that felt that.

If you've seen some of my posts as you said, you might have caught that when I sat down late one night to tell my wife that I had been unhappy for a lot of the past 7 years, it floored her. She did not take it all at well. She knew we had points here and there where I'd complain and she knew I wasn't happy, but it shocked her that it had affected so much of my life for so long and I had never told her. She cried and was really hurt to find out that I felt she had not been meeting my emotional needs for all this time. As she so aptly put it, how the hell would I feel if she told me that? A very honest question. She also could not understand how I could be happy and so unhappy at the same time, it didn't make any sense to her.

The baby woke up and she had to go up and take care of him, and I was left going to sleep with a sick feeling in the pit of stomach that I had irrevocably damaged our relationship by bringing it up. I felt stuck between backing off completely, but not wanting to give her a belief that I was just sorry and to forget it. 

The next day when we talked, I held her hand and the first thing I did was tell her about all the wonderful things she does for me. How she does make me happy in so many ways, but it's just that our marriage is not all that it could be, and for me the biggest thing missing was the feeling of love and being wanted that only intimacy could really fulfill. I re-affirmed that I needed to really have a long talk with her about what my emotional needs are, but I also framed it as that I wanted to be the best husband and father I could and make our marriage truly something special, and that would require a lot of work from me. 

I was actually already a pretty good father and a romantic husband, but that didn't mean there wasn't plenty of room for improvement, so I made sure she understood that this wasn't just about her, but I had an equal amount of work to do and that I wanted each of us to be the best possible partners we could be. I also took 100% pressure off of her on the sex side of things. I told her her flat out that I understood our baby (who is the worlds worst sleeper) made it impossible to address everything now, and that we could talk about what she could do now as long as we made our long terms goals clear and steadily worked towards them. I acknowledged the awful timing of it all, but said that just gave us the time to really talk things out without any pressure to change our sex life NOW. Things still didn't progress as rapidly as I wanted, but about a year later, I am very happy with where we are.

I didn't see either how my wife would be so reactive to what I said. I was hoping in my mind that she'd just feel so sorry now that she truly realized and would change for me to make me happy. What an idiot I was. But the hurt was short, like ripping off a bandaid, and it opened a line of communication that we had never had. The most important thing I did was make sure I communicated that she wasn't alone, that I had an equal amount of changes to make for myself, and that we would slowly work things out together. I told her that no matter what changed or didn't, I would always love her, I would never leave her or have an affair, but I was committed to improving our marriage to be the best it could be. 

Just be loving and affectionate and re-enforce all the amazing ways she is the love of your life to help offset the shock. Don't back off the changes you need to make, just take it slow. You are in love with you wife, happy in everything else, and have made it through 7 years, you can afford to work on this slowly and be patient for the moment because you have a baby. There is very little more exhausting and draining for a woman than having a child, as you know.


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## BlueCreek (May 5, 2008)

Just in case you missed it, you might want to skim through this post:

Time Dedication Needed To Turn Around Marriage

I gave a fairly in depth recap of the process I went through with my wife to make the changes necessary. Since your situation seems so similar, you might want to check it out in case you haven't already. It might give you a pointer or two you can use to to not only help open your communication but keep it positive.

** EDIT **

I feel I should note that while what you are going through seems almost identical to what I did, that doesn't mean what worked for me will for you. I am by no means an expert, I just know what worked for my marriage. What is most important is that you sit down with your wife and figure together what you are comfortable doing about it.

** END EDIT **

Also, I don't know what the rules are for mentioning books on the forum, but I have two specific books that my wife agreed to read and both helped her understand me and how it was ok that we each needed to feel loved in different ways. If you want, I can send you an IM with the two titles. Just don't pressure her too hard to read them, give her time.


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## TheLuckiest08 (Jun 2, 2008)

There is a book that may help the two of you: The Five Love Languages. 
Maybe if you read it together your wife will have a better understanding of what you need to feel loved.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/1174-what-gave-me-10-years-success.html

draconis


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## BlueCreek (May 5, 2008)

TheLuckiest08 said:


> There is a book that may help the two of you: The Five Love Languages.
> Maybe if you read it together your wife will have a better understanding of what you need to feel loved.


Ha ha - that was absolutely one of the two I was going to suggest! The author does a superlative job of helping couples understand how critical it is for them to "speak" to each other in the love language that means most to their partner.

:smthumbup:


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## MrJoshua (Jul 3, 2008)

Thanks very much for your replies and advice, I take all of it on board as I continue the mending process. 

As it was, I think I couldn't have chosen a worse time to tell her all the things I did, and believe this contributed to her response. Lets just say it was a "bad time of the month", which is something I usually keep track of, but haven't got the timing right since she had the baby. Over the weekend I sat down and talked a little more about what we discussed. She let me know that she was afraid that I wasn't happy and I was going to leave her. I calmly reassured her that I was never going to leave and that I was only trying to make our relationship stronger. She seemed a lot happier once I explained my reasoning for letting her know, and believe that things are starting to change for the better already. I understand that this is not going to be fixed overnight, and we are both going to have to work together and communicate more for both of us to be happy.

I think the biggest reason behind me not doing this before is the communication I have with my wife. We do talk about things, like who should be doing what house chores, or can you help me out more with so and so, but in terms of our emotional relationship I don't believe we really had anything until now. The biggest problem I have is a fear of discussing my feelings with her, as I'm scared of hurting her. I think that it's better not to mention things to her because if I do she will become really upset and/or it will ruin the relationship. This is the whole reason why I left things go until now. It's only from reading through these forums that I realise I needed to change my way of thinking, and I'm so glad that I've taken the first step.

I'm already starting to see my wife make more of an effort for physical contact, hugs and kisses so I guess we are on our way to a better relationship. I've also started making some changes to my life, by doing more around the house and doing little things to make my wife feel more special, such as flowers, notes, etc. I believe sex is a little way off yet, and I guess we'll just need to take it one step at a time. I'm feeling really good about our relationship and there's a hint of excitement back that I haven't felt for a long time. We still have a long way to go, but it's a nice feeling to know we are moving forward.

Mr Joshua


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## MrJoshua (Jul 3, 2008)

BlueCreek said:


> Tell you what, When I addressed things with my wife, I had been married seven years, was 34, had a 4 1/2 year old and a 7 month old baby. Sound familiar?


OMG BlueCreek, this does sound familiar. 



BlueCreek said:


> If you've seen some of my posts as you said, you might have caught that when I sat down late one night to tell my wife that I had been unhappy for a lot of the past 7 years, it floored her. She did not take it all at well.


I guess I should have expected a similar reaction from my wife when I told her. My biggest fear was hurting her too much. I to wanted to back off and just forget the whole thing once I saw how it affected her. 



BlueCreek said:


> I told her her flat out that I understood our baby (who is the worlds worst sleeper) made it impossible to address everything now, and that we could talk about what she could do now as long as we made our long terms goals clear and steadily worked towards them.


Excellent advice, I will talk to her about maybe doing something similar. 



BlueCreek said:


> ...like ripping off a bandaid, and it opened a line of communication that we had never had.


I'm really hoping that this does the same for me and my wife, as I believe we really need to work on our communication. 



BlueCreek said:


> Just be loving and affectionate and re-enforce all the amazing ways she is the love of your life to help offset the shock. Don't back off the changes you need to make, just take it slow. You are in love with you wife, happy in everything else, and have made it through 7 years, you can afford to work on this slowly and be patient for the moment because you have a baby. There is very little more exhausting and draining for a woman than having a child, as you know.


Thanks BlueCreek for your advise. It sounds as though you have been through something very similar to what I'm doing now and it's very inspiring to see there's light at the end of the tunnel. I'll certainly hang in there and try to work slowly forward.

Mr Joshua


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## MrJoshua (Jul 3, 2008)

Also, thanks for references to links and books guys. 

Mr Joshua.


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

Sorry if I'm repeating someone else here, I didn't read every word on this thread. I did see someone say about giving her the Five Love Languages book so she can figure you out. But have you read it and figured out what she needs?? Perhaps you can get it on CD and listen to it together since you've opened the lines of communication up...??


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## MrJoshua (Jul 3, 2008)

Thanks bhappy3. I haven't actually read the book yet, but have every intention of reading once I get hold of a copy. I'm in the process of discussing with my wife what I can do for her to better our relationship, as I do realise that it will take both of us to help resolve things. I'm hoping that this book will help me in that department. I think hard copy is probably a better option in my case as my wife loves to read. 

Mr Joshua


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## clara (Oct 7, 2008)

I just want to say- Your wives are very lucky women to have husbands like you two who are willing to be patient and loving and change yourself, not just expect her to change. I'll bet my husband would say that he has the same problem as you two had, but he just gets mad and makes me feel like a worthless piece. I just want to communicate with my husband, but I am pretty much convinced that is impossible. I have read the five love languages and it is a very good book, however, you really need to read it together and both of you need to put into action the things you learn about one another. Good luck!


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## FrenchMomma (Sep 23, 2008)

I'm just surprised that in this situation it is the men, not the women asking for more intimacy. Most of the posts you read on here are how women can't seem to get their husbands to "be more romantic"...including me. Your posts give me hope that men are able to want and need that type of affection just as much as women do. I guess it kinda gives me hope. But I guess my question would be...if a man (or woman in this case) has grown to live without needing that type of affection, can they in fact change to become the person that we need them to be? Or is it just selfish of us to expect them to become someone that they are not? Is it a loosing battle? The more that I work with my husband and talk with him about what I need and want, it seems that we get back on track for a short while, but then slowly slip back into our "old ways". He slowly stops the nice gestures, and kisses... and until I say something again, claims he is "content" and sees nothing wrong...Have either of you experienced that same type of thing? 

(Sorry if it seems like I am trying to take over your thread, I just wanted to get the opinion of a man in my same shoes...)


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

FrenchMomma said:


> I'm just surprised that in this situation it is the men, not the women asking for more intimacy. Most of the posts you read on here are how women can't seem to get their husbands to "be more romantic"...including me. Your posts give me hope that men are able to want and need that type of affection just as much as women do. I guess it kinda gives me hope. But I guess my question would be...if a man (or woman in this case) has grown to live without needing that type of affection, can they in fact change to become the person that we need them to be? Or is it just selfish of us to expect them to become someone that they are not? Is it a loosing battle? The more that I work with my husband and talk with him about what I need and want, it seems that we get back on track for a short while, but then slowly slip back into our "old ways". He slowly stops the nice gestures, and kisses... and until I say something again, claims he is "content" and sees nothing wrong...Have either of you experienced that same type of thing?
> 
> (Sorry if it seems like I am trying to take over your thread, I just wanted to get the opinion of a man in my same shoes...)


Of course there are men that crave affection, that like flowers, just like there are woman that only want sex. Men are not one sided or built one size fits all.

draconis


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## SYD (Oct 8, 2008)

As a man I feel like a (excuse my term but maybe the guys willunderstand this) I feel like a wuss. I say to myself, just man up.. but it's more than that. Right now it's been approx 6weeks since my wife and i have had relations, and I get shut down more than a garage door. I want to start my own thread on this, because I'm just so frustrated.. As far as telling my wife how I feel, last time I told she doesn't appreciate all the stuff I do around her she said "stop whining". LOL..great huh... my wife is for the lack of a better term and Ice Queen. she'll only want sex when she wants it, and maybe if it's my birthday she'll give me some as a present.. LOL..she will also use it as a motivator for me to do something. ie: I goto my friends house for the UFC fights, I go up we hang I crash onthe couch and come home early am. Well, she'll offer me sex to stay home.. It's a chore for her and it's very very very maddening. 

Anyways, MrJoshua, I feel ya! I'm 38 and I'm starting to get some major issues from all this, 1 carpol tunnel, 2. I'm turning into a cronic masterb'er 3. just very very upset about my marriage and the lack of initmacy. 

Intimicy, can't believe I said that... I'll start my own thread, but I just had to add that I feel your pain Joshua.


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## Emerson (Oct 6, 2008)

This is from my own person experience as a woman. I've been married 7 years, when I look back I was like your wives for most of it. I just really wasn't that interested. After my husband and I were intimate I would always say "well, that was good...why don't we do this more?" but we just didn't. Part of the problem is that he has a very low drive also. For most of our marriage, once a month was the norm and some months none. My husband tells me know that he didn't want to more often but I just was reluctant. 

In all honesty, it just wasn't that great. I don't want to burst and egos, but maybe that is the problem in your cases also. My husband was not even close to my first, so I have a fair bit of experience to base it on (counting on fingers and toes) and I can say it has never been really spectacular.

I must have gone through some kind of a chemical change in the last 6 months because now I can not get enough. Although, I still feel likes it's really not all that great, but I do like the personal closeness.

During this time, my husband hasn't been able to keep up with my desire so I have supplemented with a "toy"... Initially, I bought it to use together to enhance our time. He would finish in about 1 minute and I'd be thinking "is that it?" I thought this could assist me when we are together. Well, he thinks it's too mechanical, impersonal, yada yada. 

My point though is maybe you could purchase a clitorial stimulating toy and introduce it to your wife. When she feels how incredible it is she may be more interested... I am sure this sounds wierd but I think they are a lot more common that people want to admit.


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## tnt20years (Aug 11, 2008)

This is an awesome thread and it makes me think about my 20 years of marriage and the many different "things" my husband and I have went thru. I remember the "baby days" when I was soooo overwhelmed I felt like crying every night. I'm the care giver, the cook, the maid, the accountant, even the trash woman in addition to working full time. My husband has always been the main provider and has a strenuous job. I used to envy him when he would come home, play with the babies until I got dinner fixed, eat, then sleep. He is such a spoiled man!!! 

But my very wise grandmother blew my mind 20 years ago at my bridal shower when she gave me the best advice I've ever heard. She was blunt and straight to the point. Make sure your man always has warm food on the table and an even warmer bed to lay in!!! At 18 years old I was so embarrassed, but it truly is good advice!! And I think it has sustained us for a very long time. It's a shame other girls didn't have a grandmother like that. 

There are many causes for a lack of sexual drive, is your wife taking any medications? Or is she just soooo overwhelmed with motherhood, like I was? Some people think that having children will bring you closer together, but in reality it causes some couples to drift apart, because you get so caught up in "Baby raising mode". 

I used to joke that all I wanted for my birthday and Christmas was a maid for the day!!! I wasn't really joking!!! I still wish for it!!!

Good luck to you and your wife!!! If it makes you feel any better, as your children grow, things will get a little easier. Intimacy is not something that we are all accustomed to (I grew up with five brothers and we weren't a hugging family), so this has been something I have had to work on also, especially lately.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

tnt20years said:


> I used to joke that all I wanted for my birthday and Christmas was a maid for the day!!! I wasn't really joking!!! I still wish for it!!!


I can relate to that one! I was traveling for work this week and in one of the meetings a programmer was asked how confident he was about meeting a deadline. He said "I'd bet my life on it" and a woman said "You'd bet your wife on it?" I said, "even better, I could use a wife!" Today I asked him if he missed the deadline yet because after being gone a few days we are out of milk, laundry is piling up and I could really use her now...He said "She's MINE!"....sweet!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

SYD said:


> I goto my friends house for the UFC fights, I go up we hang I crash onthe couch and come home early am. Well, she'll offer me sex to stay home.. It's a chore for her and it's very very very maddening.


I bet her side would go something along the lines of, "I have to offer him sex just so he'll stay home with me. He doesnt love me. He just wants sex."

She's not as cold as you think, im guessing. She's hurt.


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## SYD (Oct 8, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> I bet her side would go something along the lines of, "I have to offer him sex just so he'll stay home with me. He doesnt love me. He just wants sex."
> 
> She's not as cold as you think, im guessing. She's hurt.


The bigger picture is a lot different than your taking this little excerpt or statement, trust me on that. Obiously if I was leaving all the time to hang out or watch the fights or go out with my buddies THAT would be just cause. I don't go out with my friends, the most I do is take an early day and go golfing, count up the strokes inthe club house over a beer witha few laughs and go home. I do not go out ever! The only bar I see is in a golf course and most of the times I'll go out at 6am so I'm home by 10am.. I do more than my fare share at home, as she is always gone.. so I'm driving, picking up, watching the kids, while she's gone.. then I'm cleaning the house on the weekends while she's gone for work and driving the kids around. I'm making the lunches at night, and cleaning the kitchen at night.. I'm not going around screwing around on her, I'd never do that... she would rather me drive hom, but I just don't feel comfortable or safe driving home @ 3am for 45mins..


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