# So torn...my husband cheated



## lostagain! (Jul 31, 2012)

So I'm new to this forum and could really use some advice. On Halloween night 2010 I found an email on my husband's phone that made my heart drop to the floor. Just a week before this trip he had started acting strange like he did in the past. At this point we were just months away from our 11th wedding anniversary and our daughter was 6 years old. He travels over seas at least once a year for 8+ weeks at a time and I found an email confirmation of a posting he had put on craigslist for a casual encounter while on his trip to Thailand. I confronted him about this when he returned home that evening from taking our daughter trick or treating and he denied it of course. Trying to place the blame on his friend who took his phone and posted it as a joke. I on the other hand did not believe this because I had caught him several times in the past carrying on conversations with other women and he swore on his life that all that ever took place was conversation so I believed him. However, this time was the last straw and after days of fighting he finally broke down and revealed to me that he had been cheating the almost 11 years we had been married. He has told me its only been 6 maybe 7 women and many of them he was sleeping with more then one time. I asked him why he chose to do this to me and he originally stated that it was because I made him unhappy with some other random reasons for his infidelity. I told him that he needed to see a doctor which within a few months he did and she diagnosed him with bi-polar and stated that this was the reason for his cheating. He has been on medication for the last almost 2 years and we have fought more in the last 2 years then we ever did in the 11 years of marriage prior to this discovery. He has requested over and over that we fix our marriage, however, I struggle with this because I can not forgive him for the cheating. I am unable to not bring it up in any argument we have and I feel as if I don't feel the love for him that I had I for him up till this. I begged him at the beginning of our relationship to never cheat on me, I could and would work through ANYTHING but cheating. I had walked away from two previous relationships (one of 7 1/2 yrs with my high school sweetheart and the other of only 6 months) because they had cheated. I gave him all the freedom he wanted during what i thought was a happy marriage and I did my best to be a great wife and not make him feel trapped. I was honest and faithful and completely dedicated to him, but now I feel the fool and regret allowing such a generous life style for him. I feel that our marriage was a lie and that my happiness was truly only one sided. I have started seeing a therapist but it still doesn't help that I would rather not go home at night. I feel guilty for wanting to leave but I have never been so unhappy in all my life and I don't feel like I can recover from this. I'm terrified to go and I'm terrified to stay!


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

lostagain! said:


> So I'm new to this forum and could really use some advice. On Halloween night 2010 I found an email on my husband's phone that made my heart drop to the floor. Just a week before this trip he had started acting strange like he did in the past. At this point we were just months away from our 11th wedding anniversary and our daughter was 6 years old. He travels over seas at least once a year for 8+ weeks at a time and I found an email confirmation of a posting he had put on craigslist for a casual encounter while on his trip to Thailand. I confronted him about this when he returned home that evening from taking our daughter trick or treating and he denied it of course. Trying to place the blame on his friend who took his phone and posted it as a joke. I on the other hand did not believe this because I had caught him several times in the past carrying on conversations with other women and he swore on his life that all that ever took place was conversation so I believed him. However, this time was the last straw and after days of fighting he finally broke down and revealed to me that he had been cheating the almost 11 years we had been married. He has told me its only been 6 maybe 7 women and many of them he was sleeping with more then one time. I asked him why he chose to do this to me and he originally stated that it was because I made him unhappy with some other random reasons for his infidelity. I told him that he needed to see a doctor which within a few months he did and she diagnosed him with bi-polar and stated that this was the reason for his cheating. He has been on medication for the last almost 2 years and we have fought more in the last 2 years then we ever did in the 11 years of marriage prior to this discovery. He has requested over and over that we fix our marriage, however, I struggle with this because I can not forgive him for the cheating. I am unable to not bring it up in any argument we have and I feel as if I don't feel the love for him that I had I for him up till this. I begged him at the beginning of our relationship to never cheat on me, I could and would work through ANYTHING but cheating. I had walked away from two previous relationships (one of 7 1/2 yrs with my high school sweetheart and the other of only 6 months) because they had cheated. I gave him all the freedom he wanted during what i thought was a happy marriage and I did my best to be a great wife and not make him feel trapped. I was honest and faithful and completely dedicated to him, but now I feel the fool and regret allowing such a generous life style for him. I feel that our marriage was a lie and that my happiness was truly only one sided. I have started seeing a therapist but it still doesn't help that I would rather not go home at night. I feel guilty for wanting to leave but I have never been so unhappy in all my life and I don't feel like I can recover from this. I'm terrified to go and I'm terrified to stay!


So sorry that you are here and hurting.

Why are you terrified to go, after all of that? He didn't cheat on you just once, it was several times. And he doesn't seem to care. So why are you still with him?


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

How do you keep finding cheaters?

Sorry you are going through this.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Interesting. 
Your situation is a bit complex, because he's bi polar.
Are you afraid to leave him because of his " Illness ", and you feel somehow he needs you now to help him through? 

In other words,do you feel duty bound to help him?
If so,then think about this.
Who's helping you through this difficult time,and who will help you through the even more difficult times ahead?

IMO, whether or not he's bipolar , he is responsible for his actions,especially his habitual cheating.
Maybe its time you took care of you and your daughter....
You deserve better.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I would rather not go home at night. I feel guilty for wanting to leave but I have never been so unhappy in all my life and I don't feel like I can recover from this


That's the key here. It sounds it was a dealbreaker. Staying is eating you alive.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Holy crap. What is it with every other WS being bi-polar or whatever drug is being pushed through TV this week!?!!

Seriously. Maybe I oughta have Regret checked out.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Have you tried separating, see what life would be like on your own? I know this isn't "proper" behaviour but perhaps you could test the waters and date.

I usually wouldn't advise this whilst separated, but I really can't shed crocodile tears for a serial cheater who's been unfaithful from the beginning of your relationship.


----------



## lostagain! (Jul 31, 2012)

Thank you to everyone who has replied so far, I really appreciate the advice.

so to answer some of these questions...
I am terrified to stay as well as going because I have never been divorced as this is my first marriage. I have seen friends and family go through divorces and it terrifies me to see what they have all dealt with. Not to mention, I invested 13 years into this and Im terrified to be alone. I have seriously thought about a seperation but I always come back to being scared of leaving.

As for finding guys that treat me like this, well I really have no answer for that. It just seems to be my luck I guess.

As for feeling a duty to him, I feel guilty for wanting to go in his time of need but I also feel guilty about leaving him in a bind if I was to end it. I don't feel guilty for not loving him as much as I did but I feel guilty for the effect this will have on my daughter. 

I guess my biggest hurdle is the guilt when I know I shouldn't feel guilty because I didn't put our marriage in the toilet because I couldn't have enough respect for my partner not to cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

lostagain! said:


> Thank you to everyone who has replied so far, I really appreciate the advice.
> 
> so to answer some of these questions...
> I am terrified to stay as well as going because I have never been divorced as this is my first marriage. I have seen friends and family go through divorces and it terrifies me to see what they have all dealt with. Not to mention, I invested 13 years into this and Im terrified to be alone. I have seriously thought about a seperation but I always come back to being scared of leaving.
> ...


Just my two cents worth.

1]Please don't be too hard on yourself, because you have been cheated twice. They decided to cheat , not you. and it is not " your luck" , but it is that a lot of people in this world are just plain selfish.

2]Women are cultured to be nurturers and care givers. They are the ones who put the band aid on their family's cuts and bruises. In a sense,they are the " first responders" to anything that goes awry in the home.
But there are some people that need professional help. Some people would use any issue to justify their indiscretions.
That is what may be frightening to you. Even though he is being treated,you don't know what the future may hold,and your trust is gone.
Again I say,
Take care of yourself. He chose to cheat.

Just my two cents.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

" I guess the biggest hurdle is the guilt when I know i shouldn't feel guilty..."
sorry i don't get this, but I do see something in your thread that tells me you scared!

Stop being scared and start being confident that you diserve good things and will not tolorate any thing less.

Girl I've been through some painful crap and I can tell you it will not define me and it will not take over my life, So please with all your strength, stand up to your fears and push forward. It will will be up to others mainly your husband to either come along for the ride with a new lostagian or get pushed aside while you grap what you diserve.

You diserve good things and repeat this time and agian...say it with me "you diserve good things".

Terrrifies should be thrown out of your vocabulary and replaced with confidence...get it?

I've been there aqnd now a days if my former cheating wife wants to stick around then there *will* be boundries that she can never cross with out the hard and simple consequence that i will let her go! A confidence that she sees is serous and real.

Put your big girl panties on and stop take crap from your man. he has your number..make no mistake you knows exactly how scared you really are....hell they all did!


----------



## lostagain! (Jul 31, 2012)

@Caribbean Man-Just my two cents worth.

Your right its not really "luck", I guess I just tend to expect the same respect from my partner as I put out and they take advantage of that, all 3 of my most serious relationships.

As for his treatment, I cant help but feel that the bi-polar is an excuse for the cheating. I can't see how this "problem" would be a solid explanation for the cheating. Although I am currently researching information on people who are bi-polar so I can understand it more.

As for the trust issue, I have absolutely no trust in him and I really doubt I EVER will. I find myself checking his phone and emails but then I really don't care if I actually find anything. Its almost as if I really expect to find something. How awful is that?!?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Throughout the whole marriage? I am apalled.

Here we go.

Step 1: STD Test


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Holy crap. What is it with every other WS being bi-polar or whatever drug is being pushed through TV this week!?!!
> 
> Seriously. Maybe I oughta have Regret checked out.


People need to stop blaming bi polar disorder for their mistakes. Taking psychotropic drugs or anti depressents is not going to make your husband better it will make him worse.


----------



## Wilburnter (Aug 1, 2012)

Sorry you are going through this


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Why is there so many diagnoses of bi polar? I wonder if this is the new 'trendy' disorder to have. Has he showed symptoms of this throughout your time of knowing him? And how could getting help for your consistent cheating behaviour i.e. pure selfish and self centeredness result in a diagnosis of bi polar? I would get a second opinion if I were you. What kind of doctor blames cheating on a bi polar disorder? Total clap trap it sounds to me. 

I hope you find the strength to move on in the best way for you.


----------



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Acabado said:


> That's the key here. It sounds it was a dealbreaker. Staying is eating you alive.


That's my problem. It was a deal breaker, just not in a position to break the deal.


----------



## lostagain! (Jul 31, 2012)

That's where I'm struggling, I feel extreme guilt for many reasons for ending it even though the love I had for him prior to this is gone.


----------

