# For the BS reconciling...when did you start to feel special again?



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

I thought I was special to him. I thought I was the last person on this earth he would WANT to hurt. 

I was wrong. 

I wasn't special to him at all and that is what hurts the most. Realizing that our thoughts about our relationship were so different. 

I long for the day I feel special and safe with him. 

What about you guys? How long before you truly felt valued and respected and well...special again by your WW/H?


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## canadiangirl (Apr 24, 2012)

I don't know but please tell me when it happens. I've had several tiny d days but the big one yesterday morning. I'm a mess and then I'm not. Then I'm a mess. WS is/seems remourseful. OW WAS my BFF. Seriously. And I think I enabled it. Fvck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> I thought I was special to him. I thought I was the last person on this earth he would WANT to hurt.
> 
> I was wrong.


You do realise that you are probably wrong? That you are special to him? That you were the last person on this earth he would want to hurt?

And yet he did exactly that.


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## canadiangirl (Apr 24, 2012)

Yup. That's what he's said to me for the past 24 hours.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Hmmm...this is a tough one.

Regret214 really tries to make me feel special every day. It's genuine and I can feel it. 

The key is I...I had to accept feeling valued and respected first. I can tell you there were times (still are) that I DIDN'T want the comfort. I didn't even want the small, loving touches. I wanted to be left alone.

Dday was 3/6 of this year. I'm learning slowly but surely.


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## canadiangirl (Apr 24, 2012)

But when do you get past the fact that they are bullsh!tting you.


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## canadiangirl (Apr 24, 2012)

That it's a facade.


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## canadiangirl (Apr 24, 2012)

Sorry. Final d day was yesterday. I'm very raw.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

canadiangirl said:


> Yup. That's what he's said to me for the past 24 hours.


MC might help.

It takes time.

BTW, do not be tempted to go for a revenge affair, even if he suggests it. It will make you feel worse, not better. At least, mine did.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

canadiangirl said:


> That it's a facade.


It might not be.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

canadiangirl said:


> Sorry. Final d day was yesterday. I'm very raw.


Totally understood.


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## canadiangirl (Apr 24, 2012)

No. No revenge affair. And it was with my BFF.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Don't be sorry...I am almost at a year since he came clean to me. 

I have weeks where I am okay. Then I have days where it hits me like a mack f**cking truck that I am living my life with a cheater. 

Mess today, okay tomorrow, mess the next day..and so it goes. This is our life. 

I love sex...but damn it makes people do the cruelest things.


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## canadiangirl (Apr 24, 2012)

I've yet to have the nerve to post my story as I was led to believe that I'm crazy. 12. Months. Later.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

CG I hope you were able to throw a few good b*tch slaps at your so called BFF...


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> Don't be sorry...I am almost at a year since he came clean to me.
> 
> I have weeks where I am okay. Than I have days where it hits me like a mack f**cking truck that I am living my life with a cheater.
> 
> ...


Crazy, true story: Literally within the first month of going steady with Regret (is that what it's called these days still?) we had a discussion about my ex-wife and her affairs. The comment I made to her is one that I've lived with throughout my life (read my story for all the bullsh-t). I said to her, "I don't understand how someone will throw their entire lives away for what? A f'ng orgasm?!" She agreed.

But that was over 13 years ago.

I'm glad she hears me now.


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## canadiangirl (Apr 24, 2012)

I'm sorry lisab for taking over. 12 months of being gas lit (sp?) and this week found texts messages of them laughing at me for wanting my husband to read His Needs Her Needs. How he got thru 1.5 chapters and said "fvuck this ". And how my BFF said she hopes he doesn't give in to me and read it. And on. And on.


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## canadiangirl (Apr 24, 2012)

Omg. 12 months. I'm just realizing this. Under my nose. In my home. My boys are best friends with hers. Grew up together.


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## canadiangirl (Apr 24, 2012)

I need a BIG drink.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

wow...CG, your BFF is a (excuse the language) a f*cking c**t.


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## canadiangirl (Apr 24, 2012)

Sister! My words exactly. A ****ing CVNT! I have respecting her and loved her and her kids for 10 fvcking years! And she sh!ts on my me by betraying my trust. Everything I've to,d her she's told me husband. And he's eaten it up. She's uneducated and unemployed. I have 3 fvcking degrees and don't look that bad, thank you very much! And I get pissed on. Fvcking puta. Putain in my language. Ok. Sorry. A bit bitter. Haha.


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## canadiangirl (Apr 24, 2012)

Wow. CWI. I feel better!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Wow. And to think some people refuse to verify! I am glad you know the truth. I know it hurts like hell, but I'm glad you ripped the veil off and now you really know.

So now what, canadiangirl?


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> Crazy, true story: Literally within the first month of going steady with Regret (is that what it's called these days still?) we had a discussion about my ex-wife and her affairs. The comment I made to her is one that I've lived with throughout my life (read my story for all the bullsh-t). I said to her, "I don't understand how someone will throw their entire lives away for what? A f'ng orgasm?!" She agreed.
> 
> But that was over 13 years ago.
> 
> I'm glad she hears me now.



Yeah well...I'll bet 100 bucks my man's skank faked hers. It's the least of what he deserves lol 

I don't think my WH can show me enough attention and affection. I never want to be left alone, I want him to break his back trying to show me how much I mean to him. There are not enough sorry's, I love you's, I am ashamed of myself, I wouldn't touch her again if my life depended on it.


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## canadiangirl (Apr 24, 2012)

I feel empowered. WH feels like sh!t. So he says. I refuse to give in. I have been gas lit since last August. F!uvk them.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Ladies, to answer Lisa's first question, I'm sorry to say that you may NEVER get the safe,special feeling again,with your current spouse. Not all marriages heal. What I would suggest is that you work on improving yourselves, so that YOU will feel special about YOU. Don't allow yourself to be defined by your WS. You need to take control of your own life and work for your own happiness. Then, IF your WS does the work he needs to do, you can let him back into your heart, but only after he proves himself.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I agree entirely, BB. That is exactly what worked for me.

It had NOTHING to do with "winning him back." More than anything else, I think a betrayed spouse has to reach a point where they realize that they will be perfectly fine, all on their own. Then, if you choose reconciliation, it is out of free will, not because you are trapped by your finances / religion / children / other circumstances.

I think the truth is that too many times, reconciliation is based too much on one or all of these. Not entirely, of course! but too much. And _that_ is a recipe for eventual deep resentment. In the early days you can be nearly blind with desperation to get your spouse back. As time wears on, you may find you have a prize you have no more wish to win.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Just to add a twist... do you still think HE is something special 
I certainly had my awakening.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

biggest shot to my confidence was infidelity, took maybe 18 months until I found all of the pieces of my self worth


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Ladies, to answer Lisa's first question, *I'm sorry to say that you may NEVER get the safe,special feeling again,with your current spouse.* Not all marriages heal. What I would suggest is that you work on improving yourselves, so that YOU will feel special about YOU. Don't allow yourself to be defined by your WS. You need to take control of your own life and work for your own happiness. Then, IF your WS does the work he needs to do, you can let him back into your heart, but only after he proves himself.


My spouse is an incredibly decent and moral person, yet she did this. I had to accept that if she could anyone could. It's partly a matter of luck. 

Therefore I will never get the lala land feeling with anyone again. The idea that I just need to find the right person is one I don't buy.

The love between my wife and I is the deepest it has been, but we still both know we need to work at it.

My heart truly aches for those on this boards whose spouses seem to believe cheating is fine provided you don't get caught. I could not rebuild with such a person. And when you start to rebuild the first time, you do it knowing or fearing that your spouse may be that sort of lowlife.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

It's too bad that for some people, their self-image is so bound up in the IDEA of marriage , that they will do almost anything to reconcile. We have numerous posters who have been cheated on, multiple times, but will still desperately cling to their marriage , believing lie after lie, because they feel that without their marriage they are losers or failures.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Badblood said:


> It's too bad that for some people, their self-image is so bound up in the IDEA of marriage , that they will do almost anything to reconcile. We have numerous posters who have been cheated on, multiple times, but will still desperately cling to their marriage , believing lie after lie, because they feel that without their marriage they are losers or failures.


Actually, I think most people marry for love, and they marry someone they think will make a good life partner. They actually believe that they've married for life (because for most people, why else bother). It is very hard to believe that you don't know this person--any more, or perhaps at all. The dream dies hard.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Sorry, I disagree. People marry for all sorts of reasons, not just love. As many people marry to escape something, as marry to commit to something.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Sorry, I disagree. People marry for all sorts of reasons, not just love. As many people marry to escape something, as marry to commit to something.


Perhaps not the only reason. But I'm still convinced that people try to reconcile because they had a vision of who they married, and they cannot accept that the vision either changed or never existed to begin with. They aren't in love with "marriage"; they're in love with their spouse, as they _believed_ them to be as a person. At least, that describes the average person here on TAM who is trying to reconcile, and that's who we're talking about.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

My take on many of the posters is that they define themselves by their marriage and without that structure, the are like leaves in the wind. Why else would they reconcile with serial cheaters? It would be the same with people who stay with spouse abusers. Their self-esteem is tied to their marriage to such a degree that even cheating and abuse is better than the alternative, which is being on their own.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

While a ton of insecurities arose as a result of my guy cheating and repeatedly try to cheat on me, I am not speaking about my own self-worth. 

I mean, he used to light up when I would walk in the room...he used to make me feel so loved. More love from anyone I have been with prior. 

So when I found out this happened, all of that before felt like it was a lie. I no longer felt like I was special to him. I didn't feel like the love I felt from him was real. 

I know I am good person and I know what I deserve. And while I love him, I absolutely deserve to be treated 200000x's better by someone than he has treated me. 

It is hard for me to let go of what we were before everything happened, because I was so happy. We have now pales in comparison and that makes me so incredibly sad. 

I just want a time machine and to change everything from ever happening.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> While a ton of insecurities arose as a result of my guy cheating and repeatedly try to cheat on me, I am not speaking about my own self-worth.
> 
> I mean, he used to light up when I would walk in the room...he used to make me feel so loved. More love from anyone I have been with prior.
> 
> ...


Sorry, Lisa, no time machine, you have to live in the real world like the rest of us I think you are answering your own question, I don't think you like your marriage as it is now. Well, like I said, it will never be the same, and if you can't be happy with the marriage you have , I would end it for both of your sakes.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> While a ton of insecurities arose as a result of my guy cheating and repeatedly try to cheat on me, I am not speaking about my own self-worth.
> 
> I mean, he used to light up when I would walk in the room...he used to make me feel so loved. More love from anyone I have been with prior.
> 
> ...


Lisa, I understand this, I used to be there a lot, and still am from time to time.

What I have come to realize is, that the wife I had, my friend and lover through 27 years, the marriage, the lot... it was nothing but a dream. It was an image I created in my mind, you may also call it a lie. Cause in reality, my wife had a different view on herself, me, our life together.

So I ask myself, which life do I prefer - the lie or the reality that I see now (which in turn also is an image I have created in my mind)?

Before; I didn't THINK that my wife would cheat on me, it wasn't remotely part of my dream/image. Now I know for sure that she is capable of doing it. This knowledge makes me stronger and motivates me to focus more on my own well being, just in case... It also makes me a bit sad from time to time, just like you, but it's an OK feeling to have, still need to work a bit on that one though.

But keeping in mind, that life before was nothing but a lie makes me want the present and the future more. I have also experienced a new feeling; my wife is not that special any more since her cheating, and I now feel confident that I can live without her. This feeling of mine has changed the dynamics in our relationship quite a bit.

I don't know if it helps you, but it works for me. I got inspired by the book "The Four Agreements" and now try to apply some of these ideas to my own life.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Badblood said:


> It's too bad that for some people, their self-image is so bound up in the IDEA of marriage , that they will do almost anything to reconcile. We have numerous posters who have been cheated on, multiple times, but will still desperately cling to their marriage , believing lie after lie, because they feel that without their marriage they are losers or failures.


Is this what happened to you? You wanted to reconcile because you'd be a failure otherwise? Then, after your divorce you found your calling to spout this stuff?

I'm finally beginning to understand you.

THIS thread is about when a BS started to feel special again. There have been good responses thus far. Why you felt a need to throw this post into it is baffling. But at least it helped me see.

EDIT to say, I also find it interesting that you posted here minutes after you were asked to "let it go" in the Reconciliation thread...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

cpacan said:


> Lisa, I understand this, I used to be there a lot, and still am from time to time.
> 
> What I have come to realize is, that the wife I had, my friend and lover through 27 years, the marriage, the lot... it was nothing but a dream. It was an image I created in my mind, you may also call it a lie. Cause in reality, my wife had a different view on herself, me, our life together.
> 
> ...


Actually, thank you so much for this post. It really struck a chord with me . 

I am starting to have those moments again where I think "he would never want to hurt me" then I remember to add the "again" part...then I realize even with the "again" added, it's a lie I'm telling myself. He can hurt me again and There is a very good chance he will destroy everything we have. Knowing this and still staying makes me think I'm crazy a lot of times. But I have to try and let him make this right. If he fails, at least we both know I gave him everything I had and it just isn't meant to be. There wil be no more chances if he slips up even a little bit. 

Maybe I'm not seeing and feeling my worth to him because this is a different relationship now and I just refuse to recognize it as such. My guard is up 24/7 and I almost don't want to believe him when he does tell me he loves me. Afterall, he told me that before and screwed someone else mere hours later. 

I want to be with him but I refuse to not be prepared for the 50/50 shot at him pulling the rug from beneath me. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

cpacan said:


> Lisa, I understand this, I used to be there a lot, and still am from time to time.
> 
> What I have come to realize is, that the wife I had, my friend and lover through 27 years, the marriage, the lot... it was nothing but a dream. It was an image I created in my mind, you may also call it a lie. Cause in reality, my wife had a different view on herself, me, our life together.
> 
> ...





lisab0105 said:


> Actually, thank you so much for this post. It really struck a chord with me .
> 
> I am starting to have those moments again where I think "he would never want to hurt me" then I remember to add the "again" part...then I realize even with the "again" added, it's a lie I'm telling myself. He can hurt me again and There is a very good chance he will destroy everything we have. Knowing this and still staying makes me think I'm crazy a lot of times. But I have to try and let him make this right. If he fails, at least we both know I gave him everything I had and it just isn't meant to be. There wil be no more chances if he slips up even a little bit.
> 
> ...


Some really deep stuff in these two posts.

My wife is capable of cheating on me. She did it, it was a long time ago and it was a mistake she is very sorry for, but she did it. It could happen again.

As a partner, part of what I signed up for was to support her and help her. I understand the weaknesses that make cheating a possibility and I can support her with them. As she supports me with my weaknesses.

It would be different if she were a serial cheat, but she's not. She's an incredibly decent, caring person and cheating is genuinely out of character for her.

Cpacan, one day you might discover that the original life had some truth in it, I don't know. I agree with you about looking after yourself just in case, I do the same. My wife is my best friend and it will hurt a lot if I ever lose her, but I will go on. And so much about the original life that was good is still there. Even when it wasn't all happily ever after.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> Actually, thank you so much for this post. It really struck a chord with me .
> 
> I am starting to have those moments again where I think "he would never want to hurt me" then I remember to add the "again" part...then I realize even with the "again" added, it's a lie I'm telling myself. He can hurt me again and There is a very good chance he will destroy everything we have. Knowing this and still staying makes me think I'm crazy a lot of times. But I have to try and let him make this right. If he fails, at least we both know I gave him everything I had and it just isn't meant to be. There wil be no more chances if he slips up even a little bit.
> 
> ...


Lisa, this is a very mature attitude to take, and should go a long way to healing the damage you have suffered. You are right in making him prove himself, and right in being cautious. Your feelings of safety and love , and how he can restore them, should be paramount in his mind. If they are not, then where is the trust?


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Wazza said:


> Some really deep stuff in these two posts.
> 
> My wife is capable of cheating on me. She did it, it was a long time ago and it was a mistake she is very sorry for, but she did it. It could happen again.
> 
> ...


With this mindset, I think you are fooling yourself (sounds worse than I actually mean it, but can't find a better word). The original life SEEMED happy and truthfull at the time. Knowing what I know today, I should have looked at my life through a different lense. It simply wasn't true. I fooled myself into believing that my girlfriend (present wife), would never ever cheat on me. That we had a very special bond. That OUR relationship was one in a million.

Had she told me (known the truth), that she would have a ONS 7 years later and have a LTA 27 years further down the road; I probably would have bailed out, and certainly wouldn't have married her and have kids with her.

Today, I know the original life was not the truth. It SEEMED very promising and good at the time, but it was not the truth. She IS in fact fully capable of pulling all the lies and deceit off. And thinking that she would suddenly not be capable of cheating again, that would be fooling myself. So I am looking at the truth as it looks to me today, and I must choose the direction of my life from there. 

No more wishfull thinking. Ever.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

cpacan said:


> With this mindset, I think you are fooling yourself (sounds worse than I actually mean it, but can't find a better word). The original life SEEMED happy and truthfull at the time. Knowing what I know today, I should have looked at my life through a different lense. It simply wasn't true. I fooled myself into believing that my girlfriend (present wife), would never ever cheat on me. That we had a very special bond. That OUR relationship was one in a million.
> 
> Had she told me (known the truth), that she would have a ONS 7 years later and have a LTA 27 years further down the road; I probably would have bailed out, and certainly wouldn't have married her and have kids with her.
> 
> ...


I had the same "one in a million, would never cheat" idea. My wife's affair blew that out of the water and it will never come back. Not with her, and should we split up, not with anyoe else. We are humans with emotions and a sex drive. We fail.

But, there is so much that happened over the years, so many good things, so much she did for me. 

What I have learned to do is be more cerebral about things. To reconcile that this loving woman is the same monster who ripped my heart out. And to understand why it happened. And to understand that given different circumstances, it could have been me that did it to her.

That way, I can appreciate what I have, while living with the knowledge of what she might do to me. And it took a long time, but I can do that and honestly say that I love her, and feel warm when she says she loves me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> I thought I was special to him. I thought I was the last person on this earth he would WANT to hurt.
> 
> I was wrong.
> 
> ...


Feeling special again? I... wow. That's a question. I don't know that I ever did start feeling special again.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Wazza said:


> I had the same "one in a million, would never cheat" idea. My wife's affair blew that out of the water and it will never come back. Not with her, and should we split up, not with anyoe else. We are humans with emotions and a sex drive. We fail.
> 
> But, there is so much that happened over the years, so many good things, so much she did for me.
> 
> ...


I can say to my wife that I love her too. But at the same time I can't help thinking about what she thinks about it: "Yeah, you wish...." So I can't say that I feel warm when she tells me that she loves me (she actually just texted it to me, it is our church marriage ceremony anniversary today) - still need to do some work on that one.

Happy for you that you can say this with so much confidence


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

cpacan said:


> I can say to my wife that I love her too. But at the same time I can't help thinking about what she thinks about it: "Yeah, you wish...." So I can't say that I feel warm when she tells me that she loves me (she actually just texted it to me, it is our church marriage ceremony anniversary today) - still need to do some work on that one.
> 
> Happy for you that you can say this with so much confidence


It took a long time. In some ways it's a journey that continues.


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