# forsaking all others....



## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

Back in April of 2009 I found out my wife was having an affair with my best friend. At the time she was battling alcoholism and I was pouring myself into our relationship to help save her and our marriage. When I found out about the affair it devastated me. He was my anchor in dealing with her drinking and I told him all my woes. he in turn used this as a means to reach out to her and tell her the things she wanted to hear, "You're not a drunk. He's wrong". 

Just prior to my finding out she said she ended it with him because the guilt was eating her up. Went went to a marriage counselor and things were better for a while but the drinking continued. Eventually it lead to me telling her we were through and her attempting to kill herself the net day od'ing on sleeping pills and vodka.

While she was in rehab we were separated for 6 months and after seeing her sober I decided to take her back. She's been sober since Sept of 2009 and doing well. The problem I have, one I can't seem to kick out of my head even after talking to my counselor, is moving past the infidelity. She said it wasn't out of love for him, it was part of her addiction, and I think I get it, I just really don't accept it and a big part of me thinks that's a cop out for her pride. A way to say, the other wife did that to you. I'm sober now and won't.

I'd be lying if I didn't say part of taking her back was to provide a stable home for our kids (15 & 11). I do still love her but I find myself wondering if I can stay married to someone I don't respect. Our vows included "forsaking all others" and I can't wrap my head around forgetting she broke that part of our vow. I had a chance to do the same and when the opportunity came I made the right choice and told the other woman I couldn't do that to my wife.

Right now I just struggle with trying to figure out if my love for her is strong enough to get over the infidelity or if I will ever get over it. More often than not when we have sex I picture her and him and it's a real down. I just am not interested in sex with her because it reminds me of what she did and the times we had sex while she was having the affair. I haven't told her that because I don't want to push her over the edge and drink but I know I can't be responsible for that if she does. Part of me wonders what happens if she starts drinking again, will that be the end I want to happen?

All I know is I still feel pain and have for the last few years. I just want it to end. I can't/won't allow myself to fully trust her because I won't give up that much so she can hurt me again. I hold back to help minimize future pain but I know that is only hurting our relationship. I guess I know I need to tell her how I feel and what I feel during sex. If I can do that I can take that chance and if she can handle it maybe move on. if I don't tell her I will hold this darkness inside and never heal.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Zak68 said:


> I guess I know I need to tell her how I feel and what I feel during sex. If I can do that I can take that chance and if she can handle it maybe move on. if I don't tell her I will hold this darkness inside and never heal.


You nailed it Zak.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Your so called best friend is a scum bag. He took advantage of you and your wife. Stay away from him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Unless she was under the influence of alcohol 24/7 she had some sober lucid moments where she could have addressed the situation. She is using the booze as an excuse for her infidelity. It's no different from someone having a drunk ONS. They might have been under the influence but they put themselves in that situation and need to own it. Until she owns her betrayal of you you will never be able to trust her again. You need to tell her how you feel.


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

I haven't had contact with him since I found out. My daughter and his were best friends at the time and they don't even see each other now. Thank goodness that friendship fell apart. This was his 4th affair, his wife only knows of 2 and I have wanted to tell her of the other two but that's not my place. She knows of the 1st and this one and that's her problem to deal with, not mine to add to.

When we talked before I took her back I told her drinking was no excuse. She deals with legal contracts all day and I told her if she claims that then she needs to pull every contract she dealt with in those 6 mo and tell them she was "insane" and they are void. I told her not to pull that crud with me. She even said before they did it the 1st time she asked if he had done it before and she said yes. Seriously, and she still did it???

I told her it emasculated me and made me feel like our love making (now sex, I reserve love making for the woman in my life that is faithful to me) was inferior and she got what she needed from him. She said it was his constant reassurance she was not a drunk when I told her she was. She didn't want to hear the truth and he told her what she wanted to hear as an alcoholic. Knowing what I do of that disease now I can see that. Just doesn't make it easy to accept it.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Zak68 said:


> I do still love her but I find myself wondering if I can stay married to someone I don't respect.


To me, that's all that needs to be said about your feelings for your wife. Maybe take some time apart (separation) to work on you. You've been the white knight rescuing her for so long you've lost yourself along the way, if you know what I mean.

To respect others, you have to be able to respect yourself first.

And if you do leave and she starts drinking again, then she's not a strong person and probably not the person you want to be with anyways. Any little struggle and she grabs the alcohol....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Zak68 said:


> if I don't tell her I will hold this darkness inside and never heal.


Don't hold onto the darkness. Unleash what you feel. Communication is key. Let her know exactly how you feel. There is absolutely no reason to keep how you feel inside. 

You have a right to those feelings. So voice them.

Like you, when I would have sex with my husband after he slept with someone else, I felt as you did. It definitely was not a good feeling. 

It is entirely up to you with how to proceed with your marriage. But it is a horrible idea to just stick around w/ that feeling inside of you.

Let her know what you are thinking.

And if you decide you dont want to be married to her anymore, divorce her.


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

I was your classic enabler during her drinking. Part of me wonders if I am enabling her to another affair by not looking for a divorce. Part of me wonders if divorce is the way I want her to suffer for what she did. I'm not a vindictive person. Even when I confronted my old friend I restrained from striking him and he told me to take a shot for what he did. I just turned my back and told him to leave. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of my striking out. Granted I collapsed to the ground sobbing when he left and lay there for a while but I was the better man. I guess...


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

Zak,
Your post really struck a cord with me. I am so sorry for what you are going through.


First thing is you say you know you can't be responsible for her actions if she decides to drink again but your post screams that you do feel responsible. I have been there. Until a few days ago I was telling myself that but my actions were that I did feel responsible. Then I found out DH was sleeping with someone to get drugs. NOW I truly know I am not responsible AT ALL for his actions and I can do nothing to "help" him or "take care" of him. I finally feel a sense of peace with this instead of just trying to talk myself into feeling that way. If you don't have Co-Dependant No More please get it and read it over and over.


As for the main point in your post, it will be tough to forgive. I know right now the thought of sex with my DH makes me sick, but I am only 2 days out of D-day. It may be good to get into marriage counciling and have a very open discussion with your wife about this. It has been a long time for you to be feeling this way, I would suggest individual counciling also. Read the newbie link - although a lot of it is about how to deal when you first find out, but it would be good for you to go through it and see if there were things you didn't do post D-day that may still help you now.


It is tough dealing with a cheat, and it is twice as hard to deal with an addict cheat. From my own experience, I can't understand if the addict side of him drove him to it or if he was driven by sex. And since they are in both the addict fog and the affair fog, do they really know themselves? My thoughts are with you...stick around, there are lots of very helpful people here.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Zak68 said:


> Part of me wonders if divorce is the way I want her to suffer for what she did.


If you are seeking divorce for the sole purpose of "punishment" then I would really think about it. 

However, if you are seeking divorce because you cannot put humpty dumpty back together again, then that is a whole different thing.

Kudos to you for not striking the guy when you had the chance to.


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

Zak68 said:


> Eventually it lead to me telling her we were through and her attempting to kill herself the net day od'ing on sleeping pills and vodka.
> 
> Part of me wonders what happens if she starts drinking again, will that be the end I want to happen?


Irrespective of what you want, drunks and dopers need to stay clean on their own, they can't make you responsible for it. I say you should leave her and tell her that after three years of pain and bad sex, you need to find out for certain if life is really better with her than without her, and it will be a deal-breaker if she starts drinking again in the meantime. It will be a test of spirit and commitment.


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> If you are seeking divorce for the sole purpose of "punishment" then I would really think about it.


:iagree:

You need to lay out to your wife what your new terms in your marriage are. Make them reasonable. If she is willing and her actions show she is you will feel much better about both your marriage and her addiction. If she is not, you should feel at peace that you did your best, and your wife is the one who made the decision not to make the marriage work. Enabling isn't just enabling the addiction, it is also putting her feelings, wants, needs ahead of your own. Don't let yourself be a doormat!!!


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I do not see much consequences for her actions. Did you get tested for STD's? You say you wanted a stable home for your children. Apparently you think having a wife who is a drunk and has no problem screwing your best friend behind your back countless times and tried to kill herself is the best person to provide a stable home for your children. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

"A way to say,the other wife did that to you.I'm sober now and won't.

Lots of people get sober and don't change their ways and are usually called "dry drunks".Making real honest amends and owning your sh*t is one of the most important things for serious sobriety.


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

It takes a long time to come back from an affair and even then, You will always second guess her and guess what? That is her problem and not your's. She needs to prove to you every day that she is worthy of regaining your trust and love.

in response to bryanp: my parents have been divorced since I was 3 years old. My mom is a drug user, an alcoholic, and overall just a loser who threw her life away for nothing. I hate her. Yet if she actually got help and became sober and was remorseful for the things she did then I would find it really hard not to give her a second chance because she is my mother.

I think this guy feels the same way I do but for his wife. He loves his wife and wants to provide a stable home for their children as well. You cant hate on him for that.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> She even said before they did it the 1st time she asked if he had done it before and she said yes. Seriously, and she still did it???


I don't understand.


And if you wanted to punish her for what she did, you would have done it by now. You are unable to take the pain of the betrayal, but sub consciously feel guilty about the divorce. Do you think she will be devastated? I think she will suffer but still be fine in the end. Maybe she is not as dependent on you as much you think she is. Start a trail separation to see how that works out.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Is she in a twelve step program? I'm not to familiar with them but I believe one of the things they do is have to learn how to make amends to those they have abused.

As far as reconciliation goes go to this link, about 11 posts down, you will find wayward spouse instructions. It would be wonderful if you could save your marriage and your wife but it may not be in the cards. Print this list and read it with her. Many people have found it very helpful.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sided-need-perspective-please.html#post534068


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I agree with Warlock. If she was independent enough to choose to have sex with your dirtbag ex-friend, she is independent enough to be able to withstand your leaving. 



> I told her it emasculated me and made me feel like our love making (now sex, I reserve love making for the woman in my life that is faithful to me) was inferior and she got what she needed from him.


What was her response to this?


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

My bad Warlock. HE told her he had an affair before and that didn't scare her off.

Bandit - she said sex with me was fantastic and she had no complaints. with him it was the excitement and attention. she was a casual drunk, not during the day, only at night, never missed work. During the day she needed her "fix" and he gave her that so she didn't have to drink. They'd meet during the day during lunch.

Thank you all for your words of support and suggestions. After I took her back we have had a very open and honest relationship. Minus my holding this one thing back. Even the smallest things get discussed early before they can become bigger issues. She has been doing well in her recovery and I see the woman I married almost 19 years ago. The problem is this version has baggage I am trying to learn to deal with.

When I took her back she told me I would always have an out if I couldn't deal with the hurt she caused and she would understand. She said she is grateful I am giving her this chance and knows how lucky she is. I guess deep down I regret not taking the chance and divorcing her when I had the chance. I was afraid of being single after being married all those years. I didn't want to make my kids go through the divorce. The big thing is I do love her but I often wonder if I truly know what love is or am I just comfortable with our relationship?

All these feelings bubbled up yesterday when I saw him again. he lives between my home and my work and I see him from time to time. Every white sedan I pass I think is him and the feelings of hatred surface. I'm not a hateful person and it is an odd emotion for me to deal with but I do hate him for taking away the woman I love and leaving me this flawed copy. It is her fault too and part of me feels I should hate her as much for ruining our marriage.

I have been to a personal counselor and find those sessions useless minus the fact they drain my checking account. I tell him all of this and he said I have to find a way to let those feelings go. Good advice but I don't know how.

I know I need to tell her how I feel during sex but I struggle with talking about it. I guess deep down I know until I can do that, I will not be able to start healing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Zak68 said:


> I guess deep down I regret not taking the chance and divorcing her when I had the chance.


Thre is no expiration date on when you can file for divorce. 



Zak68 said:


> I do hate him for taking away the woman I love and leaving me this flawed copy.


This touched me. 



Zak68 said:


> I know I need to tell her how I feel during sex but I struggle with talking about it. I guess deep down* I know until I can do that, I will not be able to start healing*.


You already know what you need to do. Tell her how you feel. It's easy. Just say "Wife, I feel..." It's simple. You need to do this in order to heal yourself, whether you stay together or divorce. SO why waste anymore time? Tell her today.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Tell the OM wife, IT IS YOUR PLACE! Why shouldn't he get impacted!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Talk to your wife how you feel, don't hold back....if you don't heal your marriage cannot recover...if you need to do so with the help of a professional
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

calif_hope said:


> Tell the OM wife, IT IS YOUR PLACE! Why shouldn't he get impacted!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She knows about the affair with my wife and the one a few years earlier. The other two she doesn't. She and I talked a lot in the early stages and I asked what he had said to compare notes to what my wife was saying. I told her there was more to his story he wasn't telling. She said she couldn't cope with more now, twice was bad enough. I told her I would tell her if she wanted but I couldn't just tell her to hurt him because it would hurt her and she is still my friend. Our two familes did everything together for 5-6 years. Only thing is two of us did more together it seems.


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

calif_hope said:


> Talk to your wife how you feel, don't hold back....if you don't heal your marriage cannot recover...if you need to do so with the help of a professional
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hope to talk to her tonight, maybe by the weekend. I need to get this out to her so we/I can heal.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the only way the affair is related to the alcoholism is the fact that both are addicting behaviors. It's not she like f'd OM to get money to feed her habit. The fact that she was sober when she engaged during the meetings for sex makes it worse since judgement wasn't even impaired.

so IOW, her excuse is just another example of blameshifting- but instead of blaming you for the affair she blames her alcoholism. She needs to own up to the affair 100%


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Zak, I highly recommend that you seek the services of a trained professional with experience in helping victims of infidelity and PTSD. He/She can help give you the tools you need to conquer the mind movies of your wife having sex with the OM.

*No matter what the outcome of your marriage turns out to be, your personal recovery takes priority over the marital recovery.*


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