# She came home for the weekend - two issues



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Weekend update: So she came by Friday, went to dinner, nice with one tense moment. Saturday, went to see a movie, shopped a little, hung out with a little wine and pizza, low key evening. This morning we cuddled as we did Saturday morning, nothing more.

All in all good, but she had two issues, as did I.

1. At dinner Friday she brought up in conversation her great relationships with male coworkers, as she has a couple of other recent meals. It wouldn't be so bad, but it has been a frequent topic of hers at theses dinner dates, while we are trying to work on or relationship, and who wants to hear about other guys and their great relationships with my WW? She is upset that I showed some obvious emotion. Am I wrong to show some emotion to this? It seemed appropriate and normal as an abandoned husband to find this conversation inappropriate.

2. The other thing was while lying in bed both mornings I asked if there was any interest in getting close/intimate, she declined and felt bad that she was hurting me, I explained it was not hurting me, just checking as my desire has always been there. Her parting words this morning were that it bothered her and then she gave me a hug. 

Any thoughts?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Sorry if I have your situation wrong. 

Are you dating other people? 

Have you guys decdied to date each other now since she is gone?


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## mrsamazing (Feb 9, 2012)

What bothered her? You desiring her? It sounds to me like she is interested in her own agenda and wants you to approve of it, trying to put you in the friend zone......also taking a stab at you with the the male co worker thing. Not sure why she.came over for the weekend though.

I haven't read the rest of your story. Where can I find it? (I'm new here)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Sorry if I have your situation wrong.
> 
> Are you dating other people?
> 
> Have you guys decdied to date each other now since she is gone?


No dating others. We are working on saving the marriage and the reason she has come home on the weekends. I guess you could call it dating. I think it is more like testing the marriage and time together.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

One...don't be intimately close if she doesn't want to be intimate. If she comes home for the weekend, don't share a bed. It will mess up the boundaries and cause confusion and resentment. 

Two...she brings up the other guys cause she wants to date them, and maybe she is.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This,
When she talks about the great relationship she has with other guys what does she mean by that?

Does she mean that she feels "chemistry" with them? 
Or is it that she feels like they have great conversations? 
Or that they take her seriously/respect her as a person?

When she brings up other men, it "might" be a fitness test but it also might be an opportunity for you to understand what is important to her. 

At some point you need to determine what would enable a reconciliation with your Wife. 

If she wants/needs you to "do" things differently - be more attentive - less emotionally volatile, etc. That might be workable. 

If however she needs you to "be" someone different than who you are at "core", this is going to be a long painful path to dissolution. 

As for where "doing" stops and "being" begins, I can't define it, but I recognize it when I see it. 



This is me said:


> No dating others. We are working on saving the marriage and the reason she has come home on the weekends. I guess you could call it dating. I think it is more like testing the marriage and time together.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

that_girl said:


> One...don't be intimately close if she doesn't want to be intimate. If she comes home for the weekend, don't share a bed. It will mess up the boundaries and cause confusion and resentment.
> 
> Two...she brings up the other guys cause she wants to date them, and maybe she is.


The other guy she was talking about has worked with her for years and is dating someone. I think the thing that is bothersome is that in 17 years she never once introduced me to him, but most recently has talked about him at these "dating" dinners. I think in the real dating world topics like this would be deal breakers. But my gut is telling me she is testing me, maybe a fitness test as described here on TAM. Uneccessary as I see it, because if she wants out, she already has been given that choice twice.

Regarding sleeping. We do seperate beds, but have both done the morning crawl in and cuddle, which is nice. For me, if we can not get back to intimacy, we should abandon ship now. She claims she does not want to get that close because it will make it more painful if it does not work out. I think it will be painful either way if it doesn't work out, so might as well fulfill needs like..'.friends with benefits'until that decision is made.

What is the harm?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

As far a question 1) goes I think you are valid to have an emotion like this. My thinking is if I was on a date and a women was talking about relationships with *only* male coworkes then I would have to dismiss this a shop talk banter, but her interest in looking for relationships with them and with me and the compitition wouldn't look good, so I doubt I would ask her out for a second date. My thinking her is when dating leave oppisite sex relationships out of the evening. That would be a big turn off for me in asking my date out again. 

Thats my $0.02

BTW do you talk about female coworkes and the relationship you have with them when you date your W?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> This,
> When she talks about the great relationship she has with other guys what does she mean by that?
> 
> Does she mean that she feels "chemistry" with them?
> ...


Thanks Mem,

I think she means more of the conversation with these guys than anything else. 

Regarding the fitness test, I had that thought earlier and in hindsight, I am pretty certain this is what she was doing. 

"At some point you need to determine what would enable a reconciliation with your Wife. " 

This seems to be a very important and critical point and I am sure I DO NOT know the answer. I know what I would need and she is aware of them, but for her it is difficult to pinpoint it. She claims to have spelled it out, but both I and our MC seem to see her as going through a process and targets and interest continue to move. 

Question is how long I can put up with it.

Knowing that we both have to some degree a Love for each other, and would both hate to throw almost 18 years away, makes me stay in the game. She has also given a little more with a couple three weekends back at the house. All mostly pleasant time together.

We both enjoy similar activities, movies, wine, and companionship. I have been willing and wanting to see us be more loving, which to me seems to be the missing ingredient to a happy marriage, but that is where her guard is up.

Like seeing a shot in any sport before it happens, I can see how it should look, but since we are two players, I can not make her see that shot (loving happy Marriage), I can only hope she will see it like I do someday, sooner, than before it is too late.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

This is me said:


> No dating others. We are working on saving the marriage and the reason she has come home on the weekends. I guess you could call it dating. I think it is more like testing the marriage and time together.


If that is the case than she is testing you or she is taking some sort of pleasure in knowing she potentially has other options and likes flaunting her options out to you. Seeing that you two are together and trying to reconcile who knows it could be a huge range. You need to trust your gut and think really hard about what you want just because you were with her for 18 years means little in terms if you will be happy or not in the future. 

best of luck

I am not sure why should would tell you about others its to test you and to make you jealous or she is interested in them and telling you for some reason. I am suspecting its to test you and make you jealous a mind game she is playing or trying to blame rather juvenile if that is the case.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I texted last night a "thanks for the nice weekend" got no reply. Has/d me worried. 

This morning she emails a thank you for a VD card I gave her. It was humor and light, nothing too deep. Today I am having flowers sent for VD because she is heading out of town on Wednesday and thought she could enjoy them for a couple days at the office.

She proposed we meet for dinner before MC tonight. MC will likely address the two issues above. 

Wish us well.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Good luck!

And honestly, don't worry when she doesn't respond. Do things because you want to...NOT because you want a response from her. You'll drive yourself batty.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

You are so right TG. I should know better.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

This is me said:


> No dating others. We are working on saving the marriage and the reason she has come home on the weekends. I guess you could call it dating. I think it is more like testing the marriage and time together.


So something in between a committed intimate relationship as husband and wife while the parties, I hesitate to use partners here, live separately.
I do not want to be disengenuous. Do you both still consider each other to be partners. How would you introduce each other to other people? Would she characterize it the same as you? Maybe I am poking to much at this and forgive me if I am. Just trying to get a feel for this.

There is some element of fitness testing going on for sure.

I guess I am a pretty blunt with people. 
Not saying you did not do the right thing by any means. I may or may not have asked her further about these other guys. Was she looking to date them at some point? Then again maybe that could backfire. It is all in the timing.

Not asking you to rehash all for my benefit but she is what many call a walk away wife. As far as you know she has not indulged in an affair? 
Is she hinting at this do you think? Is she just making a point that you have competition?

I wish you the best of luck and I guess you need to move slowly but you are also under the pressure of possibly being surprised when another man moves in on her. Not saying she is "dating" but many folks hang out with friends and do not call it dating but it effectively is.

The Friends With Benefits issue. Definitely fraught with risks, but look at the other side of it. If you do not meet her needs in this area you could end up finding out she is meeting them with someone else ... This said you do not want this to effectively turn this into an open marriage either.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

You're being played in every way. Your rationalizations for her behavior have reached delusional proportions. Your wife is already seeing someone and she's trying to tell you in an indirect way. Talking about male work relationships that are more rewarding then your marriage is a serious slap in the face. This was not random conversation. Wake up brother you're being walked on.

Peace


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> You're being played in every way. Your rationalizations for her behavior have reached delusional proportions. Your wife is already seeing someone and she's trying to tell you in an indirect way. Talking about male work relationships that are more rewarding then your marriage is a serious slap in the face. This was not random conversation. Wake up brother you're being walked on.
> 
> Peace


Some post just need to be ignored.


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

I don't think this post needs to be ignored at all! I think that although they were a little harsh you really need to think about what Enginerd is trying to tell you. Your wife may not be seeing anyone, but talking about male relationships? That is a no no in trying to repair a marriage. Maybe it was a mistake, maybe she is trying to tell you something. I don't think you should take it as lightly as you did..... JMO


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

OliveAdventure said:


> I don't think this post needs to be ignored at all! I think that although they were a little harsh you really need to think about what Enginerd is trying to tell you. Your wife may not be seeing anyone, but talking about male relationships? That is a no no in trying to repair a marriage. Maybe it was a mistake, maybe she is trying to tell you something. I don't think you should take it as lightly as you did..... JMO


That is exactly what a couple of us talked about earlier in the fitness test. Read back. I agree it was not right of her and will be addressed in MC. What the ignored poster said was over the top wrong in making such a strong claim and in itself delusional.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Just trying to wake him up so he mans up. He's like a lost puppy looking for its mother.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Well I find most of the people here at TAM helpful and polite and others, well showing a lack of maturity.


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

I don't think you should react too strongly to the comments regarding the other men. Chances are that they are innocent relationships that she appreciates given the situation you guys are in. I think acting to jealous about it may be a bit of a turn-off. One of them she has known for 17 years, right?


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

This is me said:


> Well I find most of the people here at TAM helpful and polite and others, well showing a lack of maturity.


OK I'll bite. What was immature about my post? Was it just my tone that offended you? 

Lets try this. How about the that fact that he's not being taken seriously by his WW? Or that she's talking to him about her relationships with other men during a weekend of reconciliation? How about the fact that he accepts cuddling with his WW after sleeping in different beds? This women has lost respect for him and all the sensitivity in the world is not going to change her opinion. He needs to start acting like a man who can attract new women. He needs to show total independence and complete disinterest. Only then will he find out the true nature of her feelings.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

ARF said:


> I don't think you should react too strongly to the comments regarding the other men. Chances are that they are innocent relationships that she appreciates given the situation you guys are in. I think acting to jealous about it may be a bit of a turn-off. One of them she has known for 17 years, right?



I agree. I think the jealousy part was the fitness test. There is no other guy as some may rush to claim with certainty. The thing is she expects me to not react, which has been an issue. Some things are inappropriate and at the same time my reacting to it, as little as it was, needs to stop.

She loved the flowers I sent her today.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

This is me said:


> I agree. I think the jealousy part was the fitness test. There is no other guy as some may rush to claim with certainty. The thing is she expects me to not react, which has been an issue. Some things are inappropriate and at the same time my reacting to it, as little as it was, needs to stop.
> 
> She loved the flowers I sent her today.


The most difficult thing is to be loving and attractive, but not kiss ass.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> You're being played in every way. Your rationalizations for her behavior have reached delusional proportions. Your wife is already seeing someone and she's trying to tell you in an indirect way. Talking about male work relationships that are more rewarding then your marriage is a serious slap in the face. This was not random conversation. Wake up brother you're being walked on.
> 
> Peace


I don't see where you can make the leap that she's seeing someone else but I'll agree that her bringing up her great relationships with male coworkers to be more than a little troubling, I mean, what's her agenda for doing that?

This whole "weekend visitation sans intimacy" seems counterproductive to me. What's it going to accomplish?

She doesn't seem all that into reconciliation, seems to be more like a token effort than anything else. I mean this poor guy would probably sleep with her in a heartbeat and she's just not interested. That's not going to suddenly change as a result of this "weekend dating" thing.


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## The Gottman Institute (Feb 7, 2012)

I think direct communication is your best bet. The truth can hurt, but it's better than being strung along. Be direct. Get on the same page.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This,
I read this again - it was painful as it triggered a "two decade back" stroll down memory lane for me. 

My W has always fitness tested me. That said, she is playful and fun and her "edgy" humor was one of those things made me crazy about her. Thing is, sometimes the things she said/did were hurtful more than funny. 

She just hated those long, detailed conversations about my hurt feelings. So we can sit here and go back and forth about how she should have "changed" and become more tactful/gentle. That wasn't going to happen. Instead I slowly learned how to deal with this stuff in shorthand. Mostly non-verbal, sometimes humor and occassionally fighting fire with fire by asking if she was ok with me responding "in kind". 

My W needed a "lower affect" husband to be happy. Your W needs a lower affect husband to be happy. NOT a doormat, simply a less emotional response pattern. I don't let ANYTHING important slide by. But I drive my responses using a conscious playbook, not my knee jerk emotional reaction. 

I am not sure why you initiated sex over the weekend. I will say that doing so is all part of you being the "hot" partner. Re-read my post on the thermostat. If you don't cool down - and give her space to pursue you, the marriage won't heal.....

FYI: There is no "ideal" generalized response pattern. There are however a consistent set of indicators that let you know you are over heating your partner. 

I am extremely kind, loving and attentive to my W. Proud of it. That said, when I get any vibes that I am crowding her, I quietly but consistently give her more space.... 

The result is I get a lot of "I am so in love with you".....



This is me said:


> I agree. I think the jealousy part was the fitness test. There is no other guy as some may rush to claim with certainty. The thing is she expects me to not react, which has been an issue. Some things are inappropriate and at the same time my reacting to it, as little as it was, needs to stop.
> 
> She loved the flowers I sent her today.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> This,
> I read this again - it was painful as it triggered a "two decade back" stroll down memory lane for me.
> 
> My W has always fitness tested me. That said, she is playful and fun and her "edgy" humor was one of those things made me crazy about her. Thing is, sometimes the things she said/did were hurtful more than funny.
> ...


Mem, well said and appreciated. I would never be a good poker player, as my emotions show very clearly and is something I understand I need to work on if I will ever fully win her back. 

Last night at MC, rather than hearing the MC fight for my right to have the emotion, she dug into what was triggereing the emotion within me. Which when analyzing what was said after seemed to say the MC sees, that the WW will not stop the triggers, so like you say, I need to learn to stop the affect.

In the end the event was in my eyes very small, but in MC last night became very big and I hope not to damaging to the repair of the marriage. I made the statement that her bringing up this guy again was almost as if she was testing me and she got defensive. 

Regarding the initiation of initmacy, we had shared some close loving moments over the weekend and in the morning we were cuddled up in bed where it seemed natural to pursue the interest. Since I have been the initiator for 95% of our 20 year relationship, it seemed like my job to ask.

Like you I am extremely kind, loving and attentive to my W. and also Proud of it. I believe this is why she has not completely thrown in the towel. She knows that I am fighting for her and love her dearly. I just need to figure out how to win her trust that I will not be over reactionary and hopefully hear those words "I am so in love with you". 

Thank you again for you very helpful response!


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Enginerd said:


> Just trying to wake him up so he mans up. He's like a lost puppy looking for its mother.


Uncalled for. If you want to help don't insult, if you don't want to help move on to another thread.


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