# My Observation About TAM Over the Years......



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

I entered this site 4 years ago when I was in great need. I was so desperate I read virtually post that I thought had anything in common with my situation. The quality of responses at that time was superior to what I think is being offered to our people in crisis today. I feel we lost a HUGE talent pool of QUALITY mentors since that time. I feel that the majority of responders today are trite and flippant in their observations and suggestions. Why is this? Our people in crisis deserve better guidance than they are getting today. WE OWE THEM MORE.......


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I agree. Morituri, LordMayhem, Beowulf....we lost some great talent.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

But the rest of us do what we can to help fellow sufferers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

An annoying but relevant question might be: what can we do about it? We can't really control other people's responses (or maybe mine too if you're referring to me hehe) unless they fall outside of what is allowed on TAM. I have noticed that some posters seem to really gain insight from posts I would have read without assigning much meaning to, and some probably feel the same way about posts that were incredibly meaningful to me. So maybe some of the banalities to you are actually useful to people in crisis? Flippant is another matter, though. I have seen members call out those who are flippant before as being disrespectful. WS probably get the harshest treatment, but that's to be expected, given that it's a pro-marriage forum.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Betrayedone said:


> I entered this site 4 years ago when I was in great need. I was so desperate I read virtually post that I thought had anything in common with my situation. The quality of responses at that time was superior to what I think is being offered to our people in crises today. I feel we lost a HUGE talent pool of QUALITY mentors since that time. I feel that the majority of responders today are trite and flippant in their observations and suggestions. Why is this? Our people in crisis deserve better guidance than they are getting today. WE OWE THEM MORE.......


I do think at times people push agendas and beliefs more than reading a person's story and responding to that persons situation. I've been around here about 2.5 years so I missed some of the more revered posters who were either banned or left.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Mattmatt? You still here?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I miss AppleBlossom because she taught me the word "asshat"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Perhaps, since you were new to this site in Dec., 2013, and in need the responses seemed like mana from heaven. Now, you're accustomed to the site and responses so they sound less than brilliant.

If you think people in crisis are owed more, than step it up.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

alphaomega said:


> Mattmatt? You still here?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A lot of the posters from Dec., 2013 are still here and they haven't dumbed down. 

I could name many, many members who are still here and still offering excellent advice but that would turn into a personality contest which is childish.

Isn't it rather rude to address a body of people and tell them they are sub-par to their predecessors?


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Many people in these forums give advice based on the experiences they have had. Some have been burned Badly and you can see that in the reposes.
I think most posters know that in a forum you will get all kinds of advice from critical to vengeful to insightful and helpful.
It's the op job to take what advice they find helpful and leave the rest.
As long as people are within the rules there really isn't anything anyone can do. If someone has a problem with a response why don't they try to step up.
That's just my take 
I'm fairly new but those have been my observations so far.
In whole I thinkTAM is a great forum with great posters.


Sent from my iPhone


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Betrayedone said:


> I entered this site 4 years ago when I was in great need. I was so desperate I read virtually post that I thought had anything in common with my situation. The quality of responses at that time was superior to what I think is being offered to our people in crises today. I feel we lost a HUGE talent pool of QUALITY mentors since that time. I feel that the majority of responders today are trite and flippant in their observations and suggestions. Why is this? Our people in crisis deserve better guidance than they are getting today. WE OWE THEM MORE.......


Betrayeddone, you may have a point, but I would say that perhaps instead of pointing the finger, you might have contributed more in the the 4 years of your membership that might help increase the quality or variety of posts on the forums. Some people appear to be givers others takers, that is the way life is methinks.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

> WE OWE THEM MORE.......


"Owe?" Interesting choice of words...
But yes, some of the responses in here are rubbish, some less rubbish than others. I've already had to ignore list a couple of the more 'reality challenged,' condescending ones. Me, I just get too blunt sometimes...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

alphaomega said:


> Mattmatt? You still here?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I agree but we still have a handful who legitimately try to help here. The part that gets me is the almost consistent gender bash nonsense. It certainly has caused me to take more breaks from this place.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I don't know. I joined in August 2014. I wanted answers. I got some very good advice that I took to heart. I also read a lot of trash that was really nothing more than projection on the part of the poster. The one's that weren't relevant, I tend to have forgotten. The one's that struck home are still with me to this day. BUT that was while I was in the mindset of devastation. Today I read thru threads with a totally different mind set. My mind is much calmer and I am able to see the bigger picture much better. I am not only focused on the devastation that was my world at that time. Because of this I now see quite a few of the "do anything to save your marriage" type responses or "place a VAR in her car". I am sure they were there when I was going thru my divorce but I wasn't looking for that. I was looking for help, for me. 
I do agree that we all tend to see things thru the lens of our own experience. I think in the end all we can do is hope that the reader has the intelligence and ability to take what is needed and leave the rest alone.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

We are deficit as a society as a whole on what a quality marriage is today. It plays out in spades here for sure.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Perhaps, since you were new to this site in Dec., 2013, and in need the *responses seemed like mana from heaven. Now, you're accustomed to the site and responses so they sound less than brilliant.*


Very very true. 



citygirl4344 said:


> Many people in these forums give advice based on the experiences they have had.


I try to help, but I can only offer from my experiences. I know nothing about exs, cheating wife, kids etc. I can only offer practical advice, not more abstract relationship advice - which I leave for the better qualified vets. 



joannacroc said:


> it's a pro-marriage forum.


I keep hearing that but don't get it. Many posts quickly jump to "divorce her" when a woman is suspected of anything. 



Blondilocks said:


> Isn't it rather rude to address a body of people and tell them they are sub-par to their predecessors?


^^ Yep. 

IMO the current crop of active posters are awesome, based on my 3 months of TAM. I don't care that I "missed" the "better" ones. To me, the current ones are the BEST.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Is Deejo still around? I have not seen him lately. He gives good advice a lot. And of course MEM.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> Very very true.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I get what you're saying about people being quick to advocate divorce. It's just that some of us have seen the same patterns over and over again, particularly in posters who have been cheated on or who have experienced something particularly traumatic. When someone has been cheated on and their spouse is unrepentant and refuses marriage counseling, it's very hard to AVOID suggesting divorce as an option. Sometimes it's necessary to show the WS that the BS is serious about not being willing to put up with certain behaviors in order to get the WS to take MC seriously. 

It IS rare, but there are a few notable gems on TAM who are WS and who have committed themselves thoroughly to changing their behavior, and to showing their BS that they are worthy of the gift of a second chance.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

So, do we give the advice that is best for the OP or do we give the advice that is best for the marriage? I realize that TAM is generally pro marriage but for those who have been through infidelity or abuse, divorce is often the best advice for the OP. 

I generally think we need to think in terms of helping the OP, not necessarily the marriage itself. In fact, it may be necessary for the marriage to die so that the relationship can be reborn.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Perhaps, since you were new to this site in Dec., 2013, and in need the responses seemed like mana from heaven. Now, you're accustomed to the site and responses so they sound less than brilliant.
> 
> If you think people in crisis are owed more, than step it up.


I have..


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

I haven't been on this forum very long, but I can appreciate the posters that are here. They have life experiences that vary greatly, coming from many different socioeconomic and cultural viewpoints. It only stands to reason that you won't always "agree" with some of the posters' thoughts, beliefs, or suggestions.

Usually, though, you will come across a poster, or even a few posters who have been through your particular circumstance, and will give good advice that is very helpful. Most of the time you will find a particular piece of advice that hits home to you, and you realize that what's happening to you is not that unique. Whether you follow that advice is up to you. Nobody is forcing you to take advice, but it certainly helps sometimes to see other viewpoints.

Heck, sometimes what you see from other posters may not be what you want to see, and their posts can seem brutal to you. Remember, there is always two sides to every equation, and it's easier to approach any problem when you see the other quotients involved, not just your own.

Weeding through the posts for the best advice is always up to the OP. The posts that don't suit you can be dismissed. It doesn't mean they didn't try to help.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> A lot of the posters from Dec., 2013 are still here and they haven't dumbed down.
> 
> I could name many, many members who are still here and still offering excellent advice but that would turn into a personality contest which is childish.
> 
> Isn't it rather rude to address a body of people and tell them they are sub-par to their predecessors?


Thou soundeth rather sensitive and accusatory......I am familiar with your posts and believe you to be rather harsh towards some posters who would do better with a softer touch.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

aine said:


> Betrayeddone, you may have a point, but I would say that perhaps instead of pointing the finger, you might have contributed more in the the 4 years of your membership that might help increase the quality or variety of posts on the forums. Some people appear to be givers others takers, that is the way life is methinks.


I contribute only when I strongly feel I have something useful and valid to say.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

I no longer really need advice here so my visitations are strictly an effort to repay for what I have learned here......


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Betrayedone said:


> I entered this site 4 years ago when I was in great need. I was so desperate I read virtually post that I thought had anything in common with my situation. The quality of responses at that time was superior to what I think is being offered to our people in crisis today. I feel we lost a HUGE talent pool of QUALITY mentors since that time. I feel that the majority of responders today are trite and flippant in their observations and suggestions. Why is this? Our people in crisis deserve better guidance than they are getting today. WE OWE THEM MORE.......


Mobile technology in the past four years has decimated desktop technology. 

Four years ago users were likely sitting at a nice desk and able to think about things while replying from their Windows XP computer that was in desperate need for an upgrade. The iPad was launched in 2012 and mobile technology transformed websites into Apps. 

While you can access TAM through the tapatalk App, there is no dedicated TAM App. This creates what is known as "user friction" because there is no way to install TAM onto a mobile device. A user must first discover the site and then hopefully figure out a mobile way to access it. Because that process is rather convoluted and also VERY difficult to monetize through Apple the audience of today is very different from the audience a half a decade ago.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Betrayedone said:


> *Thou soundeth *rather sensitive and accusatory......I am familiar with your posts and believe you to be rather harsh towards some posters who would do better with a softer touch.


That sounds silly. So, you haven't been posting much but you have been hanging around, taking a tally of posters and judging whether their posts are harsh or soft, effective or no.

Sorry to give you the impression that I am sensitive - no. I will cop to the accusatory accusation. Just what did you expect your post would do - raise IQ points by twenty just because you're unhappy with the current state of dialogue? Why don't you become active and create an example of desired responses?


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

I only offer advice on subjects that I feel I have enough experience to comment about.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yes! Definitely no popularity contests, please. 

I would then have to feign humility towards all of you'z. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

alphaomega said:


> Yes! Definitely no popularity contests, please.
> 
> I would then have to feign humility towards all of you'z.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


.....now that's some funny stuff right there.....


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

I have generally gotten great advice and encouragement on the few issues that i have presented on this forum. But my issues have never involved infidelity, abuse, laziness or poor boundaries. Well under my former user name there was an issue with GNO's that my H PERCEIVED could have turned into poor boundaries that was higly debated and for which i got harsh criticism but other than that most advice has been supportive. I didn't think i deserved the criticism but i understood that from the outside looking in I probably appeared to have been ripe for going down a wrong path.

It seems that when a poster is dealing with infidelity, abuse, partner generally being an a $$, and poor boundaries there are certain posters who feel it is their calling to deliver a 2x4 upside the head hard enough to render the poster unconscious. Same thing for when the poster themselves are being the a$$hole. Sometimes this helps and sometimes it backfires. Some women in particular always respond this way as if they take the approach i dont care how downtrodden you are Im going to hit you with this 2x4 without consideration as to whether it helps or hurts. Behind their response you can just read "i don't care whether it helps or not. Im a bad a$$ so thats what you're gonna get from me." Personally I think its pride but thats just my opinion.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Betrayedone said:


> I no longer really need advice here ...


Maybe you no longer need advice on your initial, single-focused problem, but there is still much to learn by being active here or just reading.

Learning to be empathetic or non judgmental comes to mind.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

MSprings said:


> I'll apologize in advance but my question is only tangentially related. Trying to read through old threads and struggling with many unfamiliar abbreviations. In the time you've been here has anyone compiled an index?


Common Message Board Abbreviations & Acronyms


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I agree. Morituri, LordMayhem, Beowulf....we lost some great talent.


Thanks for the mention.

I haven't left, but I've just been too busy with life the past three years. Almost three years ago, I used the Post 9-11 GI Bill to go back to school since my permanent injury precludes me from being a cop anymore, although I do work the front desk and still do everything except arrest people. I'm now a senior and an accounting major and I will finally be done in March 2017, not too long from now. 

Another thing that kept me away is that in July of last year, my fWW was diagnosed with a Sarcoma cancer and Stage IIIa breast cancer. The MRI and CT scans could not tell if the huge sarcoma was attached to one of her kidneys, but when they went in, they found out it wasn't, and therefore, did not have to take her kidney. That sarcoma was out of control and would have killed her by the end of September. She was so sickly and emaciated just before the surgery on 9-11-15. After a month of recovery, the chemo treatments began for the breast cancer, which ended up with the mastectomy in March 2016. She is still on chemo (herceptin) every three weeks. We just finished radiation treatments in just last month, and that was 5 days a week for almost 7 weeks. 

And while all of this was going on, I was working full time, still in school AND working a part time job. Fortunately, that part time job is and still is, at the Vet Center at my university as work study, so I get paid to study, but I sit at the front desk. Of course this is in addition to my main job at the central police headquarters front desk. Fortunately, my youngest son was able to drive her around and help out, like shopping for groceries and help her around the house. My oldest son, a nursing student, also helps out immensely. My sons could naturally take her to her appointments, but I insist on doing it (thats my job). Now, after more than a year off of work, she's back to work at her bank full time, but she's still not 100 percent and is exhausted by the end of the day.

Today was supposed to be chemo (herceptin), but she was feeling sick (stomach virus) so we had to re-schedule for next week.

But I'll be graduating in March and hope to leave law enforcement behind entirely and will have free time again. Maybe then I can become a regular once more and help those that need it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Dang LM, I'm sorry about your wife. What an ordeal. Good to hear from you though.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

This boils down to we see what we want to see. 


You aren't the first, nor the last, to point this out. Yes, including the "back in my day it was sooooo much better" and " posters were better mentor" comments. I find it funny because some of those very great "mentors" earned bans for not following directions. Others had personal problem which made them leave, which I see LM posted as I was writing. Yes, a few couldn't stand the place, but this happens on every website. Every year someone says TAM is more biased, angry, divorce first, gender biased, full of double standards on and on and on. Many rarely post to change the belief and find excuses not to help correct the alleged problems. Yet, they sure will point it out. Even more interesting some of those very posters fuel the flames themselves. 

Yes, even in the great times and awesome times of 2012. 

I started lurking in September of 2012. The tone has changed, with more pronounced divisive sides, but the bias isn't as heavy as many claim.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

I've seen many posters driven off by unhelpful, critical and even antagonistic posts.

When I read old threads I see a ton of banned members that have hundreds or even thousands of posts over periods of months or years and I think why is such a long term contributing member permanently evicted from a site that they gave so much to. 

That's just my unbiased observations although my first thread got lots of posts by people that were attacking me and offering no useful advice whatsoever.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lordmayhem,

Holy Cow, you have had a rough few years! But it sounds like somehow you have held it all together! That's a testament to you. I hope that you and your family have a much easier time going forward.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Manchester said:


> I've seen many posters driven off by unhelpful, critical and even antagonistic posts.
> 
> When I read old threads I see a ton of banned members that have hundreds or even thousands of posts over periods of months or years and I think why is such a long term contributing member permanently evicted from a site that they gave so much to.
> 
> That's just my unbiased observations although my first thread got lots of posts by people that were attacking me and offering no useful advice whatsoever.


You received plenty of helpful advice. You didn't like it because you think you can outsmart the judge on your case. Good luck with that. Will you be posting from the pokey?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Manchester said:


> I've seen many posters driven off by unhelpful, critical and even antagonistic posts.
> 
> When I read old threads I see a ton of banned members that have hundreds or even thousands of posts over periods of months or years and I think why is such a long term contributing member permanently evicted from a site that they gave so much to.
> 
> That's just my unbiased observations although my first thread got lots of posts by people that were attacking me and offering no useful advice whatsoever.


Often times, a long term contributor asks to have their account banned so that they cannot post anymore. TAM because almost an addiction to some and can interfere with their real life. So they end up deciding that they need their access cut off.

Then there are other folks with different reasons for being banned. For example there is one person who has had accounts with a lot of posts, hundreds .. maybe thousand. But he also keeps creating other accounts. He's very helpful at times. But other times he is an antagonist on the site causing problems. And if, after hundreds of posts no one recognizes him, he starts acting out, dropping hints and doing things to get banned. Most of the stories that he uses with each account are fabricated. They are meant to lead people on and drive up his audience. He's a troll with many accounts.

And he's not the only one who plays this game.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Manchester said:


> I've seen many posters driven off by unhelpful, critical and even antagonistic posts.
> 
> When I read old threads I see a ton of banned members that have hundreds or even thousands of posts over periods of months or years and I think why is such a long term contributing member permanently evicted from a site that they gave so much to.
> 
> That's just my unbiased observations although my first thread got lots of posts by people that were attacking me and offering no useful advice whatsoever.


What old account(s) did you have here?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Blondi,
Have I mentioned lately how much I love you?





Blondilocks said:


> A lot of the posters from Dec., 2013 are still here and they haven't dumbed down.
> 
> I could name many, many members who are still here and still offering excellent advice but that would turn into a personality contest which is childish.
> 
> Isn't it rather rude to address a body of people and tell them they are sub-par to their predecessors?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Awww, shucks (stubs toe).


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Then there are other folks with different reasons for being banned. For example there is one person who has had accounts with a lot of posts, hundreds .. maybe thousand. But he also keeps creating other accounts. He's very helpful at times. But other times he is an antagonist on the site causing problems. And if, after hundreds of posts no one recognizes him, he starts acting out, dropping hints and doing things to get banned. Most of the stories that he uses with each account are fabricated. They are meant to lead people on and drive up his audience. He's a troll with many accounts.
> 
> And he's not the only one who plays this game.


Wow that's whacked. Well there's a lot of mentally disturbed individuals out there and it's not unreasonable to assume a good many of them end up on forums like this one.

If you've got a group of individuals who keep registering new user IDs over and over again with the intent of trolling the forum why not enable blocking of proxies for new registrants like other major forums do such as ENA and LS (try registering for an account over there using a proxy or VPN and see how far you get). 

It would almost completely eliminate the problem with about 5 minutes worth of work by an admin to add the blocking software to the forum. How much time do you think that would save you?

Yes I know a lot of people use proxies to hide their identity for fear of privacy invasion, I do it myself as an extra measure whenever I surf the web and never use a real email address for the same reason. But that's the price a person would have to pay to contribute to a forum. It doesn't seem to hurt the volume of those other 2 forums which seem to be at least as busy as this one.



becareful2 said:


> What old account(s) did you have here?


It's against the rules to have more than one account.


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