# Full disclosure but how much detail?



## InaudibleMelodies (Sep 29, 2014)

Hi everyone, it's my first time posting here but I want to start by saying THANK YOU to everyone who participates here. I have learned so much and you all are helping me through a VERY difficult journey.

I've been married 23 years to a really great man but our marriage has been unnecessarily rough and I blame the fact that I didn't have the courage to tell him about the intense sexual abuse I endured as a child/teen until just three years ago. So for twenty years he lived in the dark not knowing what was wrong with me and why I act(ed) out in ways that made no sense whatsoever.

I am wondering though, just how much detail should I share with him? He tells me he wants me to tell him everything I am comfortable with sharing so he can better understand me and on one hand I feel like full disclosure is healthy because it has helped us 100% understand my aversion to pornography (it was used as a tool to abuse me) and prostitution (I was forced into it). 

But on the other hand, some of the details.. for example, when I told him that the reason I sometimes shut down during sex isn't because I'm not into him (I SO AM!) but because his face will suddenly morph into one of my abusers (I can't help it and it sucks) I see the hurt in his eyes and I don't want to keep sharing things that might help him to better understand me because I know it hurts him.

I love him so much and don't want him to have to share every ugly aspect of this burden that lives in my soul even though he insists I no longer carry it alone and he's telling me to tell him things if I just need to get them out or if I think it will help him help us. 

Not sure what to do because some more details probably would help our relationship even more and help him better understand me and my struggles but I am not sure whether I can live with inflicting more pain on him. I've put him through enough in this marriage as it is. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

P.S. 
As I've been reading threads here, I keep wondering how many people are living with a spouse who haven't told their SO about sexual traumas that happened? Probably a LOT! I see myself in so many of these threads and it breaks my heart for the spouse who is left wondering what the hell is wrong with this person they love so much. :scratchhead:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Share what you feel comfortable sharing and don't worry about his reaction. Share what you can as you can, if you feel strong enough to share.

I will say this... If you know certain things trigger you it is your responsibility to share that. It is unfair to keep triggers to yourself. Together you two can find a way around the triggers or work through them as they're happening. Sometimes a word, a specific touch, something he says and does or more likely something you can say or do that will remove the memory sight and bring you back to reality is all you need.

There will be other husbands coming along and some will say you should have told him, should have.... They are wrong.

Share what you can when you can. If his response is something that honestly concerns you, then prepare him to give the kind of response you need.

Best of luck and good for you for finally getting rid of that damn baggage


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I didn't tell my hb for a long time about my csa, I have started to tell him bits and pieces but he struggles with this kind of thing. He comes from Mayberry land and can't comprehend that this kind of thing happens.....but he has been very supportive. Tell him a little bit that you're comfortable with and tell him that while you appreciate his desire to better understand you it's going to be easier for you to do this in smaller pieces. If he's an understanding husband he will understand.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Share what you can when you can. If his response is something that honestly concerns you, then prepare him to give the kind of response you need.


Not sure what you're implying here. I'm pretty sure it isn't "here's your script, hon, so when this conversation comes up you'll know exactly what to say". He has to be free to react as his personality dictates.

The first time someone hears news or a story, they might react in a way that's based more on knee jerk fear than they would like (thinking of my own past...). Give them a little time to mull it over, and you get a more reasoned response.

So I guess I would advise to listen to Anon, share what you want him to know, but gird up and be prepared for a possibly poor initial reaction sometimes, knowing that acceptance might take some time to set in. It's not our reactions to things that determine how good a support system we are, but our long term ability to accept.


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## InaudibleMelodies (Sep 29, 2014)

@Anon - you are right, I DO have a responsibility to share my triggers. Never thought of it that way but it would be incredibly wrong for me to not tell him specific things that definitely set me off into a downward spiral. Problem is, there are so many triggers. Maybe I should prioritize them myself and then work through the list with him.

@LTS - soo sorry to hear that we have this in common but I am happy to hear you are sharing, too! We do owe it to our SO to tell them and luckily we both have understanding men in our lives. I am just so scared of doing more damage than what I've already done while still trying to clean up the messes I've made along the way. Ugh.


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## InaudibleMelodies (Sep 29, 2014)

Cletus said:


> It's not our reactions to things that determine how good a support system we are, but our long term ability to accept.


That is awesome. Thank you.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think a lot depends on his reaction to what he learns about your abuse. Personally I would want to know so that I could do my best to avoid triggers, and to understand what my partner was feeling. That isn't true for everyone .


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

InaudibleMelodies said:


> That is awesome. Thank you.


Maybe the best way forward is to have a talk with your husband about his reactions and ask him not to react straight away when you tell him something, but to take time to think about it and speak to you about it later. This means that you can disclose in the heat of the moment if necessary, but you don't both need to interrupt proceedings to have a conversation about it - that can be delayed until later.

Or maybe you could have a code word that you use to stop him doing something and then you could discuss the reasons later. I'm thinking something like this would prevent any disclosure you make from causing a long-term issue in your relationship.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Have you seen a therapist to help you work through your issues and triggers? Have you brought him to a session so the counselor can help him understand csa better?

I imagine he would be more receptive to the details and explanations and triggers and everything else if he saw that you were actively trying to work through your baggage instead of "letting" it continue to affect you/your sexual relationship.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

IM, welcome. I am the husband of a child sex abuse survivor. She was abused while in grade school. We were married 29 years before she told me. Then she put it away and said we were to never mention it again under pain of immediate divorce. So that is where I am coming from on this.

I don't think your husband needs to know any of the specifics of what happened to you unless you want to tell him. If it helps you to talk about it, then by all means tell him. I understand his perspective that it helps to understand what is going on for you, but it is more important that it is actually helpful to you.

Men are fixers. We want to help. So your husband desperately wants something to do to help you feel better. And he probably at times wants to go take care of the people who abused you, too. It is ok for him to have these dark and violent thoughts, so don't let it scare you unless he seems to seriously be thinking about going out and hurting someone.

You need to tell him what you want or need from him. This is very helpful to him because then he has something to do, even if it is something very passive. I know my wife is triggered by a particular food item and by kissing. If there is something like that for you, explain to your husband that you need him to not bring it up or do it. If you need time to warm up to the idea of sex with him, tell him you need him to ask you before dinner about sex later on. If you need him to hold you when you feel triggered, tell him you need him to silently hold you.

You should strive to be open with him when you feel triggered or when you are not comfortable. You may not even recognize that there is a connection. My wife cannot hold hands for any length of time. I suspect it is related to the abuse even though she seems to have zero insight as to why she can't hold hands. If you get all icky feeling about something, tell him.

Don't worry about inflicting more pain on him by telling him details. I promise you he has imagined the worst possible things from what you have already told him. And he wants to be your rock. I am in the position of not knowing much at all about my wife's abuse, which makes it very difficult to know what is ok and what is not. I now also look back and see how I was transformed into an abuser in her mind but didn't know it. That is a pretty horrifying thing to think about. Even worse though would be to continue being a tormenter without knowing it. I think you should tell him in some way that at this moment you are feeling triggered.

I'm so sorry for what you have been through.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Cletus said:


> 's not our reactions to things that determine how good a support system we are, but our long term ability to accept.


I think this is absolutely key. Allow him his first reaction without judgement. If it was very troubling to you, then give it some time before you bring it up again (if he doesn't come to you first.) It's likely that, after he's had some time, his response will become more geared towards what he can do to help you rather than how it makes him feel. 

I wish I had had this advice to use earlier in my own marriage.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I think I understand the point you're making Cletus and you do have a point. Speaking for myself only, it is easier to talk when there are clear expectations of what NOT to say or do. Speaking for myself, a bad reaction from the listener will cause me to go underground. If i sense certain emotions I will end it and change the topic, walk away and probably never bring it up again.

He is already aware of the gist of things and now she feels compelled to share the details. Here is where he can be prepared to give a reaction that *promotes* further disclosure.

And yes, the listener does have the responsibility to respond appropriately and without causing further harm.


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## InaudibleMelodies (Sep 29, 2014)

doobie said:


> Or maybe you could have a code word that you use to stop him doing something and then you could discuss the reasons later. I'm thinking something like this would prevent any disclosure you make from causing a long-term issue in your relationship.


That is an excellent idea. Because when I do get triggered I either shut down completely or get way too emotional to deal with the trigger rationally and it ends up damaging our relationship and leaving him completely confused.


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## InaudibleMelodies (Sep 29, 2014)

norajane said:


> Have you seen a therapist to help you work through your issues and triggers? Have you brought him to a session so the counselor can help him understand csa better?
> 
> I imagine he would be more receptive to the details and explanations and triggers and everything else if he saw that you were actively trying to work through your baggage instead of "letting" it continue to affect you/your sexual relationship.


No therapy. 

I'm not to the point where I feel comfortable vocalizing these things in person to someone other than him and he's afraid therapy might make me lose ground that I've gained doing this on my own (our own, I should say) for the last 3 years. And I really have gained a ton of ground just reading self help books and articles and trying to understand myself better (places like this are invaluable). I'm also doing self-administered EMDR therapy. I can't believe how much it helps me to be able to detach my emotions and think about this from a survivor standpoint rather than a victim one.


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## InaudibleMelodies (Sep 29, 2014)

Thor said:


> IM, welcome. I am the husband of a child sex abuse survivor. She was abused while in grade school. We were married 29 years before she told me. Then she put it away and said we were to never mention it again under pain of immediate divorce. So that is where I am coming from on this.
> 
> I don't think your husband needs to know any of the specifics of what happened to you unless you want to tell him. If it helps you to talk about it, then by all means tell him. I understand his perspective that it helps to understand what is going on for you, but it is more important that it is actually helpful to you.
> 
> ...


Oh gosh, Thor you brought tears to my eyes. Thank you and please accept a cyber hug from me. I know it has to be sooo hard to be the SO in these situations. I HATE knowing that he knows now that sometimes during sex he inadvertently becomes my abuser. I am having success with making myself recognize when it is happening and taking control of the situation instead of letting it control me. 

You nailed it with the husband wanting to fix things and YES he has expressed a lot of rage at the people who did this. That is a huge reason why I didn't tell him - I didn't want him to go on a rampage. It doesn't help that these were members of my family that he at one time had a relationship with and thought were good people. 

I will strive to tell him when the trigger is happening but that is soo difficult because my emotions either shut down or go into hyperdrive but it is definitely a good goal to work toward.

Sometimes I don't even recognize a trigger but he has become great at picking up on them. He pointed out to me that he can look at the calendar and know when I am going to start spiraling. There are certain dates that somehow my subconscious has been keeping track of that I didn't even realize were so significant until he pointed out the trend. Every year it has been the same predictable rollercoaster and I never saw it until he showed me! It's crazy how I didn't notice.

Thank you for the support and I do hope for your sake your wife will start to process her own issues so you can better help her.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Do you think your H might benefit from some therapy himself? OR a support group? It might help him if he has a safe place to talk about how this is affecting him, techniques for dealing with his feelings of rage, and everything else he's going through.


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## InaudibleMelodies (Sep 29, 2014)

norajane said:


> Do you think your H might benefit from some therapy himself? OR a support group? It might help him if he has a safe place to talk about how this is affecting him, techniques for dealing with his feelings of rage, and everything else he's going through.


I will definitely ask him if it is something he might benefit from. Wish I had the nerve to go myself but this is just too... ugh. It's much easier to do on an anonymous forum, obviously. In person I'm afraid there isn't enough Xanax in the world. 

Speaking of that, my gynecologist knows. We've spoken at length and she is awesome. She recommended counseling for us both and is very supportive and actually prescribed me Xanax to help me while I work through this and told me not to hesitate to tell the hubs if he needs some too to talk to the other doctor at our clinic. I find I'm needing to use it less and less as time goes by so I see that as progress!! Again, I credit the self-administered EMDR therapy, mostly. It's pretty amazing and apparently one of the best tools for PTSD. So glad it can be done at home in my PJs. :smthumbup:


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

My wife had abusive past. The links below along with others on this site have helped her to start moving forward. The fact that you recognize that sometimes you view your husband thru your past experiences is a good start.

Trapped by Trauma | The Forgiven Wife

Shame, Guilt, and the Gift of Sexuality | The Forgiven Wife

Being married to a abuse survivor puts a spouse thru a lot of emotions. If her abuser were still alive, I would have hunted him down.

Even though I know she carries pain, it feels like I am being punished for someone else's transgressions. 

Not that you need to read about my problems, but it may help you understand your husband's feelings - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/204514-what-do-i-do-am-i-unreasonable.html

I have always told my wife to tell me only what she is comfortable with telling.

On a POSITIVE note, recently we have made great strides in healing from the abuse. :smthumbup: Advice I got from TAM members and the forgivenwife.com have gotten me thru.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

InaudibleMelodies said:


> No therapy.
> 
> I'm not to the point where I feel comfortable vocalizing these things in person to someone other than him and he's afraid therapy might make me lose ground that I've gained doing this on my own (our own, I should say) for the last 3 years.


He is not your therapist, and is not qualified to be one. I think it is healthy that he is involved in your healing process but real recovery may require experienced professional guidance. When you're ready, don't avoid seeing someone who is a real expert in trauma work.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Thor said:


> He is not your therapist, and is not qualified to one. I think it is healthy that he is involved in your healing process but real recovery may require experienced professional guidance. When you're ready, don't avoid seeing someone who is a real expert in trauma work.


Couldn't agree more!

If you have to write some of it down and hand it to your therapist and tell her, assuming you pick a woman, that you're not ready to got there yet and need help to get there.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Thor said:


> He is not your therapist, and is not qualified to one. I think it is healthy that he is involved in your healing process but real recovery may require experienced professional guidance. When you're ready, don't avoid seeing someone who is a real expert in trauma work.


:iagree:My wife didn't want to speak to local rape/abuse center, so I tried a MC. Big mistake on my part. 

Here are a couple of links you may find helpfull - my wife did -

Coaching Tips & Tools - Part 1 on Vimeo
Coaching Tips & Tools - Part 2 on Vimeo
Coaching Tips & Tools - Part 3 on Vimeo
Coaching Tips & Tools - Part 4 on Vimeo

Best wishes for your recovery.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

InaudibleMelodies said:


> I HATE knowing that he knows now that sometimes during sex he inadvertently becomes my abuser. I am having success with making myself recognize when it is happening and taking control of the situation instead of letting it control me.


I don't know if this applies to you, but I have observed many abuse survivors having difficulty separating the abuse from the side effects of the abuse. A common issue for survivors is some form of shame and/or self-blaming for the abuse. As an outsider I can see that this is totally unwarranted, because abuse is a crime against a child who can in no way be at fault. Yet survivors seem to feel shame or guilt. 

If you were robbed at gunpoint while in a 7-11 should you feel shame or guilt? If you were injured by a freak event not of your doing should you feel shame or guilt? Of course not! Any psychological or physical injuries would not be your fault and you should not feel any shame for those either.

Remember that everything after the abuse is a side effect. Whatever issues you have with triggers etc are side effects, and no reason to feel shame or guilt. The reason I bring this up is because many abuse survivors seem to have difficulty when a side effect is noticed by other people.

Are you familiar with the term "Secondary Survivor"? A Secondary is a family member or close friend of the Survivor. Your husband is a Secondary. Secondaries are also victims of the abuser. Your husband has been traumatized and hurt by your abusers.

So you are not harming your husband, the abusers are harming your husband.




InaudibleMelodies said:


> You nailed it with the husband wanting to fix things and YES he has expressed a lot of rage at the people who did this. That is a huge reason why I didn't tell him - I didn't want him to go on a rampage. It doesn't help that these were members of my family that he at one time had a relationship with and thought were good people.


My wife's abuser(s) were not family though I know enough I might be able to identify them. It was a long time ago and they are probably long dead of old age. That is enough consolation for me that I don't go looking for them. It would be tough to know exactly who it is and where to find them today.




InaudibleMelodies said:


> I will strive to tell him when the trigger is happening but that is soo difficult because my emotions either shut down or go into hyperdrive but it is definitely a good goal to work toward.


He should be alert to soft signs. For example if you start zoning out during sex, or turn your head away. My wife pulls back if I try to kiss her, which I always thought meant she just didn't like to kiss me. Now I know to look for such a pullback at other times. You might identify other things you know you do when you start feeling triggered. Be sure he knows to look for these. A good idea is to have a non-verbal gesture which you can use if speaking is difficult. 




InaudibleMelodies said:


> Thank you for the support and I do hope for your sake your wife will start to process her own issues so you can better help her.


Thanks. I take heart in seeing others who are on the road to healing. At this point there is nothing to suggest my wife will ever seek any form of help.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Thor said:


> So you are not harming your husband, the abusers are harming your husband.


Your comment caught my attention. I feel it's paradoxical.

I think you meant that no one should blame her for certain ways she might have harmed her husband, because of all the harm that was first done to her.

The problem with that line of thinking is two-fold. First, is that it's not empowering. Everyone has the power to harm others, or not. Once grown up, we are not simply victims of our past. And that brings me to the second problem: I doubt her abusers had pristine lives, but I wouldn't be prepared to give them a pass, because her abusers were previously abused by other abusers.

I find it helpful to look at it as 50-50: I'm personally responsible for half of the helpful & harmful things I do in life, but also half the product of what life has done to me. I'm sure it's rarely a 50-50 split, sometimes 90-10 or 10-90, but I always like to call it 50-50, because it's impossible to know precisely, and because that gives me plenty of responsibility and empowerment to better my half, but just as important, plenty of room to be forgiving of myself, too.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

since you have so many past triggers from this, i suggest you use a professional counselor to help you to explain this all to your husband.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

bestyet2be said:


> Your comment caught my attention. I feel it's paradoxical.
> 
> I think you meant that no one should blame her for certain ways she might have harmed her husband, because of all the harm that was first done to her.
> 
> ...


I disagree with the logic that she is responsible for the harm to her husband today. If it were not for her abusers harming her, the husband would not be exposed to these things. And in many cases these problematic behaviors and emotional issues suffered by the victim don't present until later in the relationship, so we can't blame the husband.

We can argue about child abusers also being victims themselves, but that doesn't absolve them of responsibility, nor does it transfer the responsibility to the OP. People who abuse children know it is wrong but they do it anyway. They don't get a pass from me.

My point is that the harm being suffered by the husband is due to the evil committed by others a long time ago. OP is not choosing to be triggered. She is not choosing to have difficulties with intimacy with her husband. She is not choosing to ignore the side effects she is struggling with.

This is why I try to clearly separate the abuse events from the after effects. If OP had suffered a broken leg by some freak accident (meteorite hitting her while sleeping in bed as a child), and now she had a limp, that limp is the lingering side effect. She in no way is responsible for the injury in the first place. She in no way is responsible for having a limp. She is working on overcoming the limp, so she is taking adult responsibility for making herself as whole as possible.

If her husband is distraught because her limp impedes their lives, it is caused by the meteorite not his wife.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Thor said:


> He is not your therapist, and is not qualified to be one. I think it is healthy that he is involved in your healing process but real recovery may require experienced professional guidance. When you're ready, don't avoid seeing someone who is a real expert in trauma work.


:iagree:

OP - the way you describe it, your trauma was too severe, the PTSD you have now is too severe, to recover on your own. the thought of professional therapy can be intimidating therefore you want to feel "ready" for it. some things in life are important but difficult to face nonetheless. if we were to wait 'til we feel "ready", we would wait forever.

I'm sorry you suffer from this; my heart goes out to you. You were tortured. your psychological pain requires the most powerful medicine available. My best wishes for a full recovery.


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## JustAMan2 (Oct 28, 2011)

IM, first of all I want to say how sorry I am that you and your husband have been and are enduring this. You have my thoughts and prayers that you will heal.

My wife and I are coming up on our 27th wedding anniversary. It was in year 23 that she told me about her horrific CSA. It was bad, really bad--different that yours but really bad none-the-less. Thor and I share a similar story. It almost train-wrecked our marriage. We "secondary survivors", though not abused as CSA survivors were, still suffer a great deal as a result.

As far as your question goes you don't really need to get into any specific details about your abuse with your husband. Hopefully he will understand that. I do hope that someday you will consider therapy. You need to "unpack" this and get it in a safe place in your life to make even more progress than you've already made. 

I think the other posters have hit it right, IF something is a trigger you need to share it with your husband--but I don't think you necessarily have to go into all the sordid details with him. He needs to understand that you need time and space.

If I may, I would suggest a book for your husband to read. It's called "Haunted Marriage" and it's written for the spouse of a childhood sex abuse survivor. He can get it on Amazon in paperback for very little money. It might help him understand where you are coming from.

My best to you and your husband.


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