# I really need advice..Please



## superconfused (Mar 11, 2009)

Hi-I’m new here. I’m really hoping for some advice. Here’s my story:

My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We have a 4yr. old daughter, and a 2 year old son. We got married when I was 18, and he was 21, very young, I know. I moved in with him, while my dad was out of the country. He came back about a week later, and I was really afraid to tell him that I’ve moved out. So my husband and I decided to get married the day my dad came home. We picked him up from the airport, went to the wedding chapel and got married. No one from his family was there, they where out of town, and I didn’t want to wait for them to come back. I do regret doing that, as I know how important it was for his family to be there. 

Three months into the marriage, after an argument the night before, I came home from school one day to find an empty apt. (just my clothes in the closet). I was heart broken. I moved back in with my parents. A few months later, we moved back in together. He left again. A few months after that we moved back in, I got pregnant. The day that I found out that I was pregnant, he had moved out (again without me knowing, until he didn’t come home). This time we remained separated, until our daughter was born. She was bout 3 months when we moved in together. I think we moved in together b/c we felt we had to, for the baby. The first couple years where o.k. We didn’t argue as much, but we also didn’t do much together. I felt like we were two complete strangers living together. He also didn’t help much with the baby. I understood him at first, b/c he had two jobs, but then he had only one full time job. I also worked full time, and went to school full time. I tried asking for him to help out a little more, but he never did. Then I got pregnant with my second child. It was very exciting for me b/c this time it would be different. He would be there for me. I wouldn’t do it all by my self, like I did with the first baby. After the baby came, things where a little better. We talked more, and did a few more things together. He still didn’t help me with the kids. My mom watches our kids, while we’re at work. Every day, I dropped them off, and picked them up, even though my husband would get off work earlier than me. He didn’t really do much with them either. I felt like I was doing everything, and just dragging him a long. 

I was really tired of not going out, of missing out on a lot of events b/c my husband didn’t feel like going. So, finally last year I decided that I was going to start going out more, with our without him. Also b/c our kids were older, and started to get bored being home every weekend. I took them out more often. Of course my hubby wouldn’t come. I bought us the 2008 year passes to Sea World. My kids love it there. I would say I took them at least once a week. My husband did not come with us, not once! I’ve taken my kids to Disneyland about 6 times, but only once with him. I also attended almost all social events, family gatherings, etc. by myself (with the kids of course). Even his family gatherings! Which at first I felt bad, b/c everyone would always ask me for him, but now I’m use to it and I don’t mind it. It was so bad to the point that when he would come with us, my daughter would say, “What? My daddy is coming with us!” Oh, and he also missed his son’s 1st b-day party (b/c he was mad at me). 

I do have to admit that this year it seems like he’s trying harder. We spend a lot more time together, and more importantly he spends a lot more time with the kids. I love this b/c not only do I get a break, but my kids seem so happy when they’re spending time with him. So I guess I should be happy, but I’m not! Maybe I got tired of dragging him along all this time, and now I just don’t care. 

We still fight a lot, about stupid things. His brother has mentioned this, and so has my cousins. I never really paid any attention, but just the other day my 4yr old daughter tells me that she wishes her Daddy and Mommy would stop fighting. This broke my heart, and I realize that something is really wrong. I don’t doubt that he loves me, so maybe I’m not sure if I love him? I just hate a lot of things about him. I think he’s very inconsiderate of others. When he leaves, he’ll leave all the doors open. He won’t even make sure someone is looking after our kids before he leaves. It’s being a few times where our kids are outside playing with him, and suddenly the kids are by themselves, and his gone. When I confront him about it, he will not take any responsibility for it. He’ll say something like, I never said I was taking care of them, but yet he was playing with them. He also changes his mind all the time. For example for my Holiday party he said he would go. At the last minute, when I was ready to go, he said I changed my mind, I’m not going. So once I again I go by my self. Another thing is that he is very messy! Never picks up after himself. I always do, and it really feels like his just another child of mine, a more annoying child. I feel part Single mom with 3 kids, and part Wife with 2 kids. When I ask to talk to him about these issues, he tells me “What for, it’s not going to change anything”, and he’ll walk away. 

I’m so confused. I don’t know what I want, and I feel like such a bad person for thinking about leaving him. If I ever did leave him, it will hurt my kids so much, and maybe even him. Sometimes I wish he would leave me, this way I know he wouldn’t be hurt, and I wouldn’t be. What should I do? I really wish I could be happy, but I don’t want to hurt anyone.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

superconfused said:


> I’m so confused. I don’t know what I want, and I feel like such a bad person for thinking about leaving him. If I ever did leave him, it will hurt my kids so much, and maybe even him. Sometimes I wish he would leave me, this way I know he wouldn’t be hurt, and I wouldn’t be. What should I do? I really wish I could be happy, but I don’t want to hurt anyone.


I believe your answer lies in your final paragraph. In your heart you want out of the marriage. The only reason you even stay is because of others. It doesn't sound as though you ever had a marriage. And your children aren't benefiting from the current situation. If you continue on this path, your bitterness will turn into anger and the arguments will probably escalate. It doesn't sound as though he has been much of a father either. At this point, you may want to just tell him that things will have to change or else. Is he open to counseling? Are you fearful of the unknown? Once I went thru all of my separation drama, I finally realized that I was afraid of the "unknown" after marriage. The "fear" kept me from moving on and finding happiness.

I really feel for you and your children. Hope you find happiness.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Just in my opinion your relationship has seemed all about you from the beginning. Maybe he's tired of getting dragged around like your puppy dog.


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## TIME (Mar 2, 2009)

Superconfused, it sounds to me like he was never invested in the relationship with you or your kids. Have you asked him if he is happy? Have you asked him how he would feel if you and the kids were to leave? Do you talk together at all? Sounds like two separate lives.


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## superconfused (Mar 11, 2009)

Thanks so much for your thoughts.

I do agree that we got married for the wrong reasons. That's why we are in this situation. 

He is very hard headed, and difficult to talk too. When I ask him if he's happy, his answers are always the same, " I wouldn't be here", or " It doesn't matter". I guess he's right, he wouldn't be with me if he wasn't happy. I also ask him how he would feel if I left, and he said, "I don't care, leave. Life goes on." I wasn't looking for an, please don't leave me asnwer, but it would of been nice to know that I would be missed.

I also do feel that I just think about me, at least now I do. At first I tried really hard. I didn't get a long with most of his family. He of course didn't like this, so I started to try to get along with them. Now, I love them, and they love me. I also helped him, and support him when he went to school, to get a better job. I don't want to take credit for this, b/c he worked really hard in school, and he did get a better job (a career). When I started school, I didn't feel that he was very supportive. Also, when ever he wants to do something, or go some where, I always say yes. It's not often, and it's always with his friends. I don't mind it b/c we do have fun, but I wish we could also go out with my friends, and my family. 

When I turned 21, I asked him to take me out to a nightclub, b/c I've never been to one. He didn't take me untill I was 22. I really like it, and ask that we go again. I'm 24 now, and we haven't gone back. The only reason this bothers me, is because he loves dancing, and he used to go dancing all the time, before we met. I don't understand why he wont go with me. 

I've been thinking about leaving for a very long time now. I just haven't had the guts. I am very scared of whats out there, and if I will make it on my own. I will be able to make it financially, but emotionally? What if I regret leaving? What if I get depressed? We were engaged before we eloped, we had already announced it, reserved the day, and I even tried on wedding dresses. One day he told me, " I changed my mind I dont want to marry you anymore". This broke my heart, and I was depressed for months. I was 17 at that time, so I know that I'm much stronger now, but I'm still scared. 

My parents, and even his parents, and sisters, support my decisionn of leaving. They tell me that they completely understand why I would leave, and that I will always be part of their family. I just feel that he would be really sad if I leave, and I wouldn't stand to see him sad. He is the father of my children, and a very nice person (when he wants to), so I want him to be happy.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

superconfused.....


sound to me like he's sucked so much out of you, and given almost Nothing back , and you give give give, and he takes takes takes... and you take care of your kids , almost by yourself.. 

You have become apathetic. You have been hurt so much, that you simply do not care anymore. I can't blame you. One can only give, and try and commit to someone , so much, and if the other person won't do the same, it becomes a one way street. 

"When I ask to talk to him about these issues, he tells me “What for, it’s not going to change anything”, and he’ll walk away." 

this is a quote from your post. And unfortunately , it's very indicitave of a person that has no intention of even trying to have a successful marriage. If he won't talk about anything, because he thinks it won't do any good, then what have you got? You've got a husband who treats you like sh** that's what.

If he wont' go to counseling, and won't step up, and realize there are Two of you in this marriage, then you might have to say goodbye.

work on it with him, talk to him, tell him it's gonna have to change, or it will not last. That is ultimately what happens to any marriage where one person refuses to work on it.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

superconfused said:


> I've been thinking about leaving for a very long time now. I just haven't had the guts. I am very scared of whats out there, and if I will make it on my own. I will be able to make it financially, but emotionally? What if I regret leaving? What if I get depressed?


It is natural to fear the unknown. Leaving a marriage is difficult especially since you have really had no experience in going it alone. But you are for all practical purposes doing it alone now. He doesn’t help with the kids much and when he does he’s unreliable. He doesn’t provide you with the emotional support you want and shows not interest in doing family or romantic things. He has a fear of commitment as his pattern shows. I suspect he is also very immature and self centered. Think about your life 10 year from now. Will it likely be any better with him? I commend you for not wanting to hurt your children but what are they seeing in this marriage. Fighting, poor parenting (him) and probably a lot of unhappiness. The fact that his family supports you in leaving him speaks volumes. While the final decision is up to you, I don’t believe this is any way to live. Good luck.


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## notsurewife (Mar 15, 2009)

Dear superconfused:

As I read your blog it was if I was reading my situation, but with out the kids. i have been married for nine years (this year) and have the same issue as you. Every single family event, bdays, parties, BBQ's, anything you can think of he is either too busy with school or does not want to go. I can understand school, but he uses that excuse to the extreme, I now because I have helped him with school work before.

I have to be honest, I got pregnet once in our marriage and I was so happy, excited of the thoguth of making a family the pregency was unplanned and at first he accepted me being pregent and said so were having a baby, but then soon after he told me out of the blue you can have this baby but your taking care of it, "Im not doing any work with the baby", that hurted me that he was telling me he did not want any part of the baby. So I made the choice to get an abortion, becuase I was scared and not ready to be a single mother. We were married five years when I got pregent, so when I told him about getting an abortion he was releaved and supported me in that. But since then he told me he does not want kids and until recently he has talked about when we going to have a family. but I feel the only reason is his twin brother is on his second child now and he does not want to be left behind.


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## superconfused (Mar 11, 2009)

It does suck going to all events, by yourself. It feels like ur single, except that when u get home u have to deal with the husband. 

The thing with my situation is that he does tell me he loves me everyday, and greets me with a kiis everytime he sees me. He alsos makes nice comments about how pretty I look. I don't know if he does this b/c he really loves me, or b/c of habit. I just think that how can he tell me thaat he loves me, but is unwilling to talk to me about anything, and won't go out with us. He also doesn't ever complaint about anything. If I didn't clean the house one day or if I didn't ccok dinner, he will have absolutly no problem with it. 

Untill about a year ago , he would always tell me that he was with me b/c of our kids, and not b/c he loved me. He hasn't said that to me againg, but I do think what if it's true. Sometimes I also think he recents me, b.c he got stuck with me. I'm planning on talking to him today. Iwill let you know how it goes. Thanks so much for ur advice. I don't have any good fiends that I can talk to, and I really needed to tell someone how I felt.


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## superconfused (Mar 11, 2009)

It does suck going to all events, by yourself. It feels like ur single, except that when u get home u have to deal with the husband. 

The thing with my situation is that he does tell me he loves me everyday, and greets me with a kiis everytime he sees me. He alsos makes nice comments about how pretty I look. I don't know if he does this b/c he really loves me, or b/c of habit. I just think that how can he tell me thaat he loves me, but is unwilling to talk to me about anything, and won't go out with us. He also doesn't ever complaint about anything. If I didn't clean the house one day or if I didn't ccok dinner, he will have absolutly no problem with it. 

Untill about a year ago , he would always tell me that he was with me b/c of our kids, and not b/c he loved me. He hasn't said that to me againg, but I do think what if it's true. Sometimes I also think he recents me, b.c he got stuck with me. I'm planning on talking to him today. Iwill let you know how it goes. Thanks so much for ur advice. I don't have any good fiends that I can talk to, and I really needed to tell someone how I felt.


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## superconfused (Mar 11, 2009)

So, I talked to my husband. The first time I tried to talk to him, he didn’t want to listen to me, but the next day he started the conversation. 

I told him how I felt about our situation, and that I didn’t want to continue to live like that. He told me that he felt that he had changed a lot, which he has. Since the New Year, he’s been spending more time with me, and the kids. He also mentioned some other things that have changed. For example, he used to be really mean to me in front of his family. He would always yell at me, and made comments that would make me feel bad. I talked to him about it, and he told me to not waste my time talking to him about it b/c he wasn’t going to change, but he did. He hasn’t done that in a long time. I’ve also asked him to start working out, b/c he’s gain a lot of weight, and that’s not healthy. So he bought weights, and started to work out. We’ve both gotten into a lot of debt, mostly b/c we never worked together when it came to finances. He would always say his money was his, and I had to work if I wanted to have money, and pay my bills. Now, we have been trying together, to pay off our debt. 

He also admitted that the two of us don’t go out a lot, but he said that he was changing. That I shouldn’t expect for him to change overnight, and I don’t. It’s just been so many years, that I don’t understand why he wants to change now. I feel that I can’t trust him. He’s only been different for a few months, but will he remain like this for years to come? 

He told me he loves me, and wants to be with me. He doesn’t understand why I want to give up now, that things are getting better. The truth is that I don’t either. 

I guess I’m just afraid that things will only be better for a little while, just until I forget about leaving, and then go back to the way they’ve been for the past 6years. 

I can’t know for sure if things will be better, but I do know that I’m tired, and I don’t know if I want to continue. There so much more to life, and I want to live it. I want to be happy, and more importantly I want my kids to be happy.


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