# Help! My BF has 2 kids by 2 moms.....



## sweet caroline (Aug 13, 2010)

I need opinions from unbiased people. My BF & I have been together for a little over a year. He has a 5 yo son from a previous marriage that I'm so attached to. He married this mom when they found out she was pregnant - they weren't in a serious relationship but decided to go ahead & get married for their baby. He & the ex-wife get along pretty good, but she's not wild about me. Now I just found out he has another son with a girl he "hooked up" with (his words) right before we started dating. This new mom is making demands on him (child support-which he's paying, extra money for clothes, etc) and calling him all the time. She won't let him see the baby if I'm around and makes a big scene (yelling, cursing, etc) if she sees me. She's even called me at my apartment, telling me I have no right to be around her baby.

I'm a 27 yo teacher and see how these family dramas impact my students all the time. I love my BF deeply, but I'm sincerely wondering about our future. I adore his 1st son and know I'll feel the same about the 2nd, if I get the chance. I'm so worried about the behavior of this 2nd mom, especially if we ever have kids. I don't want my future children around someone who acts the way she does. My parents (married 34 years), my brother and most my friends are telling me to run away from this relationship. I just don't know if I can - words of wisdom appreciated.


----------



## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

He sound like a person who is prone to making bad decisions, (you know they have these things called condoms to prevent knocking up girls you "hook up w/") and has bad impulse control, his world is pure chaos, do you really want to be part of that? hes just a guy youre dating, no legal bindings, no kids, no house , you can can very easily walk away. deal with the pain and just do it. Good luck.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I guess there are two issues here:

1 - Boyfriend who may be a bit randy. While he was in a relationship when he had the first kid, and not in a relationship for the second (what I'm saying is that cheating wasn't the issue), is he the type you want to be around? Is he otherwise responsible? Paying child support? Mature in other ways? If so, I don't see a major problem.

2 - Ex wives and girlfriends. I think this will go away when the hurt over losing their boyfriend diminishes and you are no longer a threat. The kids are young enough that you will still be able to develop a relationship with them when the dust settles. Stay away from them. Let your boyfriend deal with them and stay out of the line of fire until it settles down.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am sure friends and family just want to spare you the complexity of having that many grown people involved in your life lol. My H's daughter from a previous relationship has just now been introduced into our life, and honestly her mom and I get along fantastic. If we didn't, things would be really complicated. So if there are issues with one of the ex's or "baby mommas" then it can truly complicate your life. BUT if all that can get worked out before you are committed completely to him that would be best! Like said above, let him get it all under control and see if there is a chance you will be involved without hostility in these kids lives.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> 2 - Ex wives and girlfriends. I think this will go away when the hurt over losing their boyfriend diminishes and you are no longer a threat. The kids are young enough that you will still be able to develop a relationship with them when the dust settles. Stay away from them. Let your boyfriend deal with them and stay out of the line of fire until it settles down.


That sounds so logical, doesn't it? But, it is sooooo far from true that you cannot fathom the problems ahead of you. They are so numerous that I have no idea where to begin. I frequent various stepparent forums and know that naive thinking like this will get you a lifetime of chaos. Listen to your family and friends. If you do not believe them and do not believe me, then visit steptalk.com and spend a few days reading. Don't post, just read. If after those few days you decide to join up and make a post similar to the one you made here, then mark my words. You will get a few people to be honest enough to advise you run like hell to the nearest exit. And then, you will get those who refuse to admit their own mistakes to tell you, in so many words, that it will work out. Then, think about how you just spent 2 or 3 days reading about these people for whom it is NOT working out; how you spent 2 or 3 days reading about their miserable lives; how you spent 2 or 3 days reading about how unhappy they are. You spend that 2 or 3 days learning the BMs (birth moms) - just like in your case - are the biggest cause of their problems. But yes, they will tell you "it will work out."

You will also learn a whole lot of other things, such as how the children are also the cause of some of the problems. So imagine this woman does not like you and is very vindictive. She will make sure she cause problems on behalf of her daughter, and she will make sure her daughter also causes problems in your home. She will try in every way she can to turn the child against you and the father. This is called PAS (Parent Alienation Syndrome).

Something else is how your BF (or husband in the future if you must see for yourself) is not going to parent these children. He will feel too bad for not being in the home with them, that he will make your home a place for them to run wild, be disrespectful to you, and do whatever they want. You will not be allowed any input on this. This is called guilt parenting. You might even be made to feel like an outsider when the children are around, but that will not prevent you from ending up being the one who has to do most of the parenting (when he is at work) until you end up feeling like a glorified, unpaid babysitter and taxi driver to children who are disrespectful (the little one you adore will grow older, believe me, and it will be very hurtful to you). And yes, that also means he will make a difference between these two children and the one(s) that the two of you have together.

I only began to touch on the numerous problems, but this and the problems you have right now should make you see what a huge mistake you will be making. Oh, I almost forgot to address you mentioning the mother who will not allow him to see his daughter. She will spend the rest of her life doing everything she can to cause problems and control your household with this child. However, she cannot prevent him from seeing the child. She is calling the shots right now because he has not taken her to court, which he should do in order to get visitation. She cannot prevent the court from awarding him visitation, but it will be very costly. After that, she will continue calling the shots outside the law and affecting you, your marriage, your household, and your pocketbook. You will constantly be in court with her. Either she will take you (if you marry him) and him to court for obnoxious reasons with lies and false accusations just to cause problems, or you will have to keep taking her to court because she refuses to adhere to the court order(s). Either way, it will be headache after nightmare and will cost tens of thousands of dollars.

Finally, you might think I am a bitter person. Well, I am not. My one and only experience with being a step parent was not egregious in the least. I am simply relating what happens in most of these situations, and you are already experiencing much of it. I am trying to let you know what MORE you are in for if you do not run for the hills. But just in case you still don't believe ALL of us who tell you to run, then think about the divorce statistics. Divorce for second marriages is much higher than that of first marriages. You might naively think second marriages work out better because surely people learned their lessons the first time around. Not so. The reasons for the extremely high divorce rate is the baggage that people bring with them from the first marriage/relationship - children, previous wife/girlfriend - that cause all the problems, just like in your case. 

Look at what you are going through. Do not for a moment think this will get better.


----------



## SarahMarshall (Aug 14, 2010)

I have to agree with Chris, and disagree with Susan. I've been a stepmom for 6 years, and at first my husbands ex (never married) was extremely involved and overbearing. She attempted to control a lot of aspects of our life and tried to threaten to not allow my husband to see his child.

My first and biggest piece of advice is that your BF needs to get court ordered visitation (if you're in the US) or go through whatever legal channels so that his visits are mandated by the legal system and NOT the birth mother. After marrying my husband this was one of the first things he did. As long as there is no legal plan for visitation then the mom is allowed to control the situation. After getting a legal plan in place if she violates the plan she can be held responsible for her actions. 

Once a court order or other legal plan is in place your boyfriend needs to follow it word for word. If she threatens to not allow him to see his child because you are there but there is nothing in the order stating that you cannot be around for visitation (I know in the states she may be able to get an order preventing you from spending the night at his home when the child is there, but rarely do they issue orders preventing a specific person to be around unless there is a valid reason like a history of abuse) then your BF needs to let her know that she does not have the power to make that decision. 

It's really about control, we had to go through these games with my husbands ex for the first couple years we were married. She felt threatened by me and was afraid that I was going to try and take her place, I also think that even though the 2 of them were well done and over there were still some jealousy factors at play. (It's human nature.) But today she and I actually get along and typically the 4 of us (as she's married as well now) don't run into problems. We have little bumps in the road every now and then but nothing serious, and this has definitely worked to my step sons advantage. If you ask him he feels like he has 4 parents, not 2, and I think the judge who was handling our case said it best... "having your child loved that much by more people is not a bad thing".


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Sweet Caroline, I'm sorry but I don't see there being anything about what I said to disagree with. To prove to you I was not simply expressing my opinion, I suggested you visit some websites and suggested one to see for yourself how this type of situation normally turns out. Terms like normally, usually, ordinarily, and majority of the time all indicate the most common outcome. To further prove my point, I shared the result of divorce statistics. Anyone whose situation is different is the exception, not the rule, and are truly fortunate but with no reason to disagree that other people's circumstances are not like theirs. I did not manufacture or dream up anything. I suggest again, if you don't believe me then visit those sources. To hope for a different outcome is naive and idealistic, especially when you are presently experiencing circumstances that are most common as I stated.


----------



## SarahMarshall (Aug 14, 2010)

Sarah Marshall, not Sweet Caroline (though it's a good song).

I don't think you know much of anything about my current circumstances besides the minimal information you've received, which is not enough to make such an assumption as you have.

I'd say maybe 20 years ago your assumptions would be accurate. However as broken families have become far more mainstream I have noticed firsthand that more and more people are looking to make things work for everyone instead of cause problems. I'm part of several stepmothers groups and while there are some biological mothers who will never stop trying to control your lives, for most of us once the biological mother realizes that we are no longer a threat they become more concerned about what is best for their child(ren).

There are stepmom's who overstep their boundaries, and there are biological moms who overstep theirs. These kinds of things will ALWAYS happen in these types of situations, however because these situations are becoming more normal people are starting to realize that you don't have to spend the whole time fighting. Not only that, but most people in these situations (at least the ones I've dealt with) also realize that's not what is best for the children involved. They may not realize it immediately, but once they're given time to get used to the situation things do usually calm down.

You state that this other woman WILL spend the rest of her life trying to control those. But you don't even know this woman, nor do you know much about the entire situation. So what exactly makes you so qualified to make that judgment? 

Divorce statistics do not equate to broken families always having control issues. There's a different between statistics and making poor assumptions from such statistics.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Just look at your BF's track record. He has a kid with two different women already and at least one of the mother's is cultivating a toxic relationship with you?

Why? I think she does not see you as a longterm commitment and therefore she wants you gone. 

And why?

So she can manipulate him better without your influence.

Your relationship is not in a vacuum, just you and he against the world.

He has financial and emotional and familial commitments to his existing children. And from the sound of it, he is not too good at it.

Maybe you ought to step back a little and review why you want to be in the mix?

Do you think you can fix him? Do you think you can fix her? Do you think you want to add more children to this complex life? How will that go?

Given his track record, do you think it is a good longterm strategy?


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

SarahMarshall, I properly addressed who I was writing to. Honestly though, you have no reason to dispute me with your own assumptions. To use your own circumstances as a blanket makes no sense whatever. I, on the other hand, am paraphrasing shared experiences from all over the world and enlightened her of the divorce stats here in the US. Just like people post on these boards from England, the middle east, the far east, and down under, people post on those boards from everywhere. For the 5th time, I am not assuming anything. For the record, there were no step family forums 20 years ago. So I don't know why it is not clear to you that you can easily, as I suggest several times to Sweet Caroline, find out for yourself. It would be a good idea because the anonymity of the internet removes the need to impress others. And seriously, I don't care to be this invested in the subject to keep having to ask anybody not to take my word for it but to find out for themselves. You don't have to address me again. I never addressed you in the first place, and Sweet Caroline is free to take your word or mine. This choice is entirely hers.


----------

