# I dont know what to do! Tired of feeling less than!



## FindingMyself!2019 (Aug 4, 2019)

So my husband and I have been married for 11 years. Just about the whole marriage I have felt like I have never been respected just as a person. I feel like my husband just looks at me as his wife but he doesnt see who I really am. My space, time, things and opinions have never been respected. It kind of feels like our relationship is just a game. His personality is one that is very playful, carefree and fun. When it comes to serious things he has a hard time with it. I never noticed these things when we were dating but now that I'm much older I feel like there are things that I want that he just isnt willing to give me. I busted my butt the first 5 years for us when he wasnt able to pull his weight. Paid most of the bills, took care of the kids, worked, cooked, cleaned and went to school. Now he is making really good money and I'm on disability because of my Rheumatoid Arthritis. He only pays the rent and gives me money here and there while I pay everything else with my disability check. I'm struggling so bad and he refuses to see it. I cry, I talk to him and he says he will change but he doesnt really. It's been 11 years and we dont even put our finances together, we havent built anything, we have nothing really. I want to make this work but I know it takes 2. What should I do?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Maybe ultimatum time. If you truly have spoken to your H about your concerns and they have been greatly ignored or a feeble attempt to change has been made kick it up a notch. Advise your H you did not sign up for this type marriage. Advise him once again how you feel, what you would like to see change and then see that he does it. If he goes back to his current ways consider moving on to someone who respects you. 

PS. Not until my W told me she would D me if I did not change my ways did I change my ways for good.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

A promise of change with no change is a manipulation tactic, and not one to be taken lightly.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You made the same post twice but with different titles. I kind of wonder if the requirement to introduce yourself when joining makes it confusing to people as to where they should post their concerns. You probably thought you should post in the intro and the appropriate forums.

But if you lost track of your first thread, it's right here https://talkaboutmarriage.com/new-m...ot-never-seems-get-noticed-im-not-enough.html and you have several responses awaiting you there.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you seeing a therapist? You need to get one who will help you start standing up for yourself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

We hear you! And your husband is wrong.

I think couple's counselling would be helpful.

As for rheumatoid arthritis I feel your pain. No, actually I feel my own RA pain! 

My wife also has RA and I try to help her not treat her like your husband treats you.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

FindingMyself!2019 said:


> My space, time, things and opinions have never been respected.
> He only pays the rent and gives me money here and there while I pay everything else with my disability check. I'm struggling so bad and he refuses to see it.
> we dont even put our finances together


The reason you don't "put your finances together" is HIM. He does not want HIS money spent on serious things. He wants to spend most of HIS money on "fun and games" while you bear the BURDEN of being responsible.

This is unfortunate, because people's basic personality traits don't change. Grasshoppers remain grasshoppers. They eat, drink, and make merry, putting nothing away for winter. Winter comes, they die. But, they don't change.

It's his NATURE.... I'll bet that if you ask him, he would assure you profusely that he DOES respect you and your personality traits......However, he is more inclined to go with his own.....



FindingMyself!2019 said:


> What should I do?


You cannot change your husband. Only you..... I would advise you to keep your finances separated FOREVER. Keep YOUR money......


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think it is time to pull out the big guns.

Sit down and draw up a financial plan on a spreadsheet.
Show him the income and outgoings and how it is spent. If possible show detail, including his frivolous spending.
Tell him if he doesn't step up and be a leader in his home and ensure financial stability and work with you on this, you really do not need him in your life. Tell him that the next step will be separation where you will ask a lawyer to garnish his income then claim support once divorced.
Then show how the bills should be split. Insist on a standing transfer to your account to cover his bills.
Tell him a man who is immature, selfish and does not take care of his family is not attractive at all and really taking up space. Stop doing things for him.
Stop paying bills for things in his name, let it lapse, esp if it is for his fun times, games. Anything in his name stop paying simple. Show him you mean business. Start squirreling away money. 
Some men do not hear, they see their wife's complaints as nothing but nagging but they know the status quo will continue only YOU can change that stinking thinking, by following through and showing that you have had enough.
Perhaps go see a pro Bono firm or talk to a Citizens Advice organisation for more input - have facts, figures, etc all to hand.
Then go see a counsellor to learn to take more control of your own life, what you will and will not put up with. In the long run you will resent him more and more, it will not end well if this is not taken seriously now.


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## LeavesInFall (Aug 26, 2019)

I hear you on the idea of not feeling respected. I feel the same way with my husband. I also don't feel like he knows who I am and doesn't seem to care to find out. It's always felt somewhat one-sided, like he cared more about what I could do for him, rather than giving and receiving. 

And our finances are very similar. I support the household. I pay for all the bills. Our home is in my name. Except I'm sorry to hear about your arthritis. That must be so painful and difficult for you.

My husband's personality is opposite to yours though. He is much more quiet and reserved and seems to have very different ideas about what is and isn't fun. He is also very miserable and may be depressed.

I definitely think you need to have a conversation with him and clearly lay out what the issues are for you, and how big they are. I think that's where I've made mistakes, is not defining the enormity of my feelings and concerns. This is something I'm doing while my daughter is away for the weekend. Even though it scares the heck out of me, I know it needs to be done. 

Things clearly need to be said and talked over, so you know where you stand and how to move forward.


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## hurting and confused 1 (Aug 29, 2019)

I totally understand how you feel. I have been married for 17 years and have felt that way. I am in the same boat. I have just been looking at the pros and cons of staying or going. Best of luck to you!


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