# Waiting to begin my life after divorce...



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

and its not happening.
I am stuck in an endless loop of sadness, hating my exwife, hope turning to sh!t, and back to sadness. Now I dont know what this ugly blackness is that is with me right now, but its nothing Ive ever felt before, and its kind of overwhelming.
It is like okay, all this stuff happened. What to do now..
And trying to take steps... but I cant get any solid footing.
I dont like being in the position of being fking pathetic, I am not weak, or pitiful. I am trying to make the best moves I can for myself and the time I have with my kid, and dammit its not happening soon enough to spare me from watching things I had hoped to not witness. 
As if being crushed wasnt enough, watching the ex go on with her life like shes as happy as a goat, and ME standing in the way of that because I am still having to be there...
Yes, shes a b!tch, yes, shes a POS cheating dog, and yes,, I cannot get away from her soon enough... 

I dont want to be around her anymore. But theres no where else I can go. I have all my stuff boxed up, and Im trying to move on.. That damned house Im trying to move into now may very well be a wasted effort. Still waiting on hearing something about it, that will be a "go or no go" determination.
Am I free? I dont know how to be free...

I would be fine, if I never saw, nor spoke to this empty shell of a woman ever again. ever! As soon as I am out of that nightmare of a place it will be the first words out of my mouth to her, that I NEVER want a thing to even remotely do with her again. 
and there are things that I feel are left undone, like kicking the sh!t out of the dooshbag OM, whom suddenly professes christianity on his FB profile. Well thats good, let me send you to meet your maker,, today!!

I can only begin to move on, to heal, to deal and cope with the grief of this that I did not deserve, when I move out...
And it is one freaking trip up after another....
I am worried about its physical effects on me. This suspended period where I cant move. Its like I swallowed a bunch of fking walnuts and theyve hung up on the way down, and sit in my stomach heavy. Its like I am pushing the limits of the worst imaginable "FEELING" I have ever felt and I dont know what it can be labeled as. I cant stop thinking about how all this went down, how literally unbelievably cold the fking method was...

I wish I could get out now. I SOOO wish I could. Maybe this wasnt that great of an idea. But its too late to do anything about that now. I just want to move on. 
This is going to devestate my kid. Me finally moving out. Frankly I am the only one that gives a damm about her well being, and her cheating bag of sh!t mother knows it. La-La,, if I dont look at myself in the mirror I wont see who I really ammm...

All I know is Ive about taken all I can fkin take. I cant focus at work to save my life, and nothing feels remotely useful in quelling this rage, this fking rage. Ive talked to other women, but I have absolutely no interest in them. My primary focus with bleeding fingers is to scratch my way away from this complete piece of filth I used to call a wife.

I feel like everything has been taken away from me. Things that people normally fight to the death for. I wasnt even given the chance to fight for it. Its like my ex wife had opened the back door to our house to allow a burgler to rob us blind.
Its like being poisoned, and watching them laugh at you as you take your last breath. Oh how vengeance seems so fulfilling right now. Oh how I hope to see the karma bus pulling into town. FK Karma, let me handle it...
Now I find myself in a position of having to be dependent on her for our marital home being the roof over my head, and meanwhile watching her go out and live the party life with no regard at all. "Im going out for awhile"... (YEah, you fking dog)
I halfway expect her to win the lottery next. That would be MY expectation considering how things have so smoothly gone for me since this whole experience started. I am left with little to Nothing to do what I need to do, but you can damm well bet Im going to get there. 

Seeing the happy families post their weekend pictures at the beach on their FB profiles. Birthday parties for their kids. Halloween coming up, and I used to decorate our house with so much enthusiasm and fun. Thats ALL been completely drained out of me. I havent the slightest happy flicker within me. Dare I pour the very last bit of self preservation I have out in hopes to make another person happy,, Ive wasted my LIFE.
It was so important for my kid too, being her mother was a such a militant P.O.S. all the time... 
I dont know what Im going to do.
I know I am going to LIVE though.
That b!tch will never get the satisfaction of seeing me sad.
I am going to turn my story around as soon as a flicker of hope catches in my dry wheat field, and you can rest assured the fire is going to light up the texas sky. 
Ive NEVER been dealt such a sh!tty hand in all my life and how unprepared can a person fking be???? GOOD GRIEF...

Its going to be a long time for me my friends. Its going to be a long time before I trust another person. Maybe that wasnt the lesson I was supposed to learn out of it, but Ive never been so dragged thru the rocks like this.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Shoo forget about making other people happy, focus on you and your daughter. decorate the house for halloween because you want to, and if you don't then don't. As to your W's new life, being out of the same house will help, you won't see her in her comings and goings you won't know what she is doing and soon enough (as you detach) you really won't give a [email protected] It will always be there, because you will co-parent, however soon you will be able to REALLY focus on you. That's where I'm at but the problem is it gets pretty lonely, if you have a social network start putting some energy into it now because I have found it takes a long time to nurture those friendships. It may take long to trust in another person like you did your EW but so what, where you will find your happiness isn't by investing trust in someone else, it will come from living once again and enjoying waking up, getting out, accomplishing sh!t and interacting with people.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Yep. Focus on you. Your daughter needs you to be strong. She needs you as an example of how to deal with the most ****ty thing that can ever happen. I think you are, just for the record.

Your just banging out [eloquently] all the thoughts of betrayal that infidelity brings to our lives. 
Of course you were blindsided, that was the point. Your wife was detaching way, way before this.

My wife.
1. Came into money
2. Got a new car
3. Got a new BF
Fcked off the old one, that being me.

This says it all to me.

_All the years of being broke, all the spit & all the smoke,
& all the fcking, all the drugs, all the love:
Was not enough.
You take my guts, I'll take the car.
Welcome, stranger - here you are!
Never seen your face before.
Welcome, stranger!
Nice to meet you._

Rest of the lyrics..
SongMeanings | Lyrics | Washington - Welcome Stranger


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Keep your head up shoo I could not imagine what your going through. I pass my ex all the time and I just so bad want to run her over. I know where her BF works and just want to go fk his whole world up but at the end of the day its not worth it. Im going to get on with life one day and leave all the sh(t that she has coming to her. Im tired of giving a fk. Sometimes it seems life just plain sucks but one day maybe one day we will come out on the other side of this sh(t hole.


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

Shoo- wow you nailed it. And very eloguently as ing said. I feel exactly the same way. I'm stuck myself. Can't move out till custody is settled. Pending D (which W says she'll hold up for 2yrs), pending custody hearing later this month, meanwhile I'm stuck under the same roof as my POS cheating wife who constantly blames me for her affair. Sleeping in the same bed with her every night. Lying there for a couple hours each night with burning rocks in my gut, my mind racing with thoughts about revenge, retribution, the OM, my future, what this will do to our two daughters and many others.

It's excruciating at times. Now having finally made the move to D and get on with my life, after fighting to save our marriage for almost 4 years, I find the process extremely slow and painful. I'm soooo ready to move into my new place and start my life all over. I feel for you and all the others suffering through this hell. You have put an enormous amount of effort into yourself and plans for the future. And it can be exhausting, I know. Somehow keep this phrase in the back of your mind when you're feeling low "I WILL MAKE IT!" Repeat it over and over. Make it happen for you and your kid. Take care.


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## 6foot5 (Jun 15, 2011)

Shoo , I really feel your pain even though my circumstances and my separation are different from yours , but have you talked about your situation to any of your friends or co-workers or anybody beside all of us here on the internet? Just last week after 2months of separation I decided to talk about it to people at work , and it really feels good to get the truth out there , most of the people were shocked when I told them what is happening in my life, but they all understood and almost everyone offered some sort of help if I ever needed it , I tell ya it felt so fcking good , it made me feel like I belong , like people do care how I feel :smthumbup:
Prior to that I felt completely alone , total writeoff , I felt like nobody gives a sht about me or my life , at times I felt like I deserved what I got , but now I see a sparkle at the end of the tunnel and really thats all I need for now just to keep me going one day at the time . 
Have you tried divorcecare.org ? Maybe that would help you deal with some of the crap youre going through?
I went to about 3 group sessions with them , I think it is a good program ,very friendly ,but I couldnt stay there ,with 6 women talking about their exh and me being the only man in that group I just wasnt feeling comfortable.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I second telling people at work! I have gained the most amazing friends out of this. There are many men in this boat at our age and you will be astonished at the level of care that people will show. They see your pain, they remember theirs.

Clients found out and urgent became, when you can. 

Suppliers found out, Pay now, became. don't worry about it for now.

I was amazed! get out their shoo. Your a cool guy. At the pinnacle of the old farts dating tree.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Oh for sure Ive let the world know my story. Kinda worry that too many people know my business, but oh well. IVe got a few friends that have been extremely helpful, letting me come by their house and hang out, and grill some food, drink a few beers, and just talk it out. A lot of them have been thru it all before, and it really does help to have people rally with you, and understand.

I am talking to a couple of girls, but nothing serious. I really want to get into my own house first, and get that all lined out. I guess its a "ducks in a row" scenario, becuase I have a kid I want to make sure she is set up and has a place for when she is with me.

I went and took a look at the house with the leak this last friday. There was water standing in the utility room upstairs, and beginning to soak the carpet. The ceiling in the kitchen downstairs, had split at a seam in the sheetrock and was hanging down about seven inches. water was still on the floor in the kitchen too. 
I guess since last monday, nothing seemed quite like an emergency to the seller or the listing agent.. 

I went back onto the area realtors website that shows listings for houses, and found a few more that looked pretty cool. Tonite I have it scheduled to go look at them. It seems like starting all over again, but this process has already taken sooooo long, largely due to the seller of the old house being "Bank of Amerikkkka" and their typical administrative capacity.
So I am backing out of the deal. Its a fearful step for sure, as so much time has been invested in getting that house... but maybe it was ultimately a sign that I shouldnt.
Heres hoping for better things soon.. (I reiterate the word SOON)
lol


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Here's what I don't get--women who have a husband who love them, and cherish them and take care of them but yet crap all over them. The only thing I ever wanted when I grew up was to have a loving husband (instead I too got crapped on) I will never understand these women who have husband's who truly, truly love them and they do this sh*t. Unbelieveable. I tell ya what, if I had a husband who truly loved me and appreciated me, he would be King in my life. Men, I'm sorry your wives did you so wrong. That's BS all the way. I wish I could beat some sense into them because what I would not have given to have a husband who loved me.


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## Shane Jimison (Sep 1, 2011)

This is a correct time to live your life in new way rather than living the life in stress. I appreciates your thoughts.


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