# unrelated ex step-grandchildren



## parrotsx3 (Sep 1, 2011)

I am new here so please excuse any mistakes! I am engaged to a man who I love very much- but there are so many issues! We don't live together- I live 1 house and across the street from him. We spend time at each others house, which on the weekdays is basically just falling asleep together at his house or mine.. due to work hours.

I have cancelled our wedding, which was to have been this Month. We broke up twice this Summer over this continuing issue with his former wife's (they divorced 12 years ago- as did I ) Son's children. He and his ex never had kids together, but she had a grown Son and Daughter. The Son is a total loser. He married another loser, and they had two girls 11 Months apart that they couldn't support. In addition, he had a Son by another woman just weeks after his wife gave birth to the second daughter. (he has had 2 more by 2 different women) Long story short, the 2 girls AND their Mother have lived at my fiance's house (for free) for the past 12 years. They have trashed the house to the point that every carpet, every piece of furniture, every wall has to be ripped out and replaced.

Those girls are now 14 and 15 years old. They are slobs and despite everything he has done for them, they are thankless. 
When we decided to get married, it was part of the plan that the three of them would move out so that we could live together. 3 years later, they are two Months into the move. BUT, all of their stuff still remains! They took only the necessary things- and left 12 years of crap. Finally they came and got some of their furniture- but STILL it goes on! We were to be married this Month and thanks to them we still don't live in the same house and the wedding was cancelled.

When we broke up, it was because I was SO fed up with the lack of progress and his lack of persistence in getting them to move the rest of the stuff out. Already these girls were asking to sleepover- asking for this and that...and I kept telling him that ONLY when they actually get out could they come back for a sleepover. Twice I caught the older one over there with ALL there is to still move out, simply lying on the couch-texting.

I keep telling him that since these teenage girls are not related to him, having them there could lead to accusations- especially since they are lounging around half dressed.

I do not understand his need to continue having a relationship with them after everything he has lost DUE to them. They will grow up just like their Mother despite all he has done for them- and they ALL continue to use him.

We are on shaky ground right now. The last break up was a big one- specifically over these girls and their mother. I have two Sons of my own (grown) and they have never gotten in the middle of our relationship. These are awful people and the reason that he ended up with them was because the rest of their family new better..Does he really need to be stuck with these people for life?

I could go ON and ON.. But I hope this is the gist of it! I am wishing now that I just dealt with the pain of our last break-up and let the relationship go. These girls are still manipulating him and sometimes it just makes me so mad I can't get past it! His Ex wife- their GRANDMOTHER has moved from the area..Anyone have any advise on how to deal with this?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yes he is with them for life, they are his family. You have to choose to accept it or not. You are allowed to not accept it if you decide that, despite what this man can offer, it is simply not the circimstances you want to invite into your life. I realize this is a very difficult decision and hope you can find the clarity you need.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sorry, but you're not going to get him to choose you over them. He just won't. Find someone else.


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## parrotsx3 (Sep 1, 2011)

Thanks for the feedback...Kind of what I already knew. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without him...or WITH them! Most people in life get to pick and choose who they want to be a part of their life. Not me! These scummy people who live off of all the hard working tax paying people...they seek out the kind hearted and then rip their life apart! To see what they have done to his house would be enough for me to bid them farewell. I have never seen people who live the way they do. Everything is trashed, but still had to be cleaned up before it could be ripped out. Two plus Months now and STILL their stuff is there. They didn't need their winter things when they moved out in summer...so, they just left it all behind. It's a sorry situation. I STILL do not know what to do! 

I have my own place, thankfully. None of these people are related to him, yet I am sure he will continue to pay their bills. How does someone sleep at night when they use people this way? And, why does he allow it to happen?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

parrot, but you do get to choose what kind of people you want in your life, it's just not a matter of plucking one great person from a bad batch, you have to accept people in their entirety. You have a selfish approach to this (and that is not a bad thing at all) you just seem to like the idea of your fiance, but are still partially viewing him as the fantasy version... but have you even asked him what he thinks about his ex-step-grandchildren? If he loves them he sees that they are not beyond redemption, or else he really does need help to deal with it. These are teenage girls after all, and the solution will never be pretending they don't exist, the solution is learning how to accept them for who they are, loving them and being a positive role model for their behavior.


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## parrotsx3 (Sep 1, 2011)

Well said! I am being selfish! It's taken us from 1999 to now to even get this far. We broke up in 2000 and he called me out of the blue 4 years ago. I never expected to see him again. He walked away from me and my 2 young sons back them. I of course did not need to rely on him for anything- and apparently that's what he needs. His step- daughter-in-law and her 2 girls moved in with him for 2 weeks back in 2000- and they still have not gotten their stuff out. Nothing can move forward until they complete the move. Yes, I am selfish- and maybe a bit jealous? Why does he want this chaos? If you could just see the damage they have done to his house! I know it can eventually all be fixed- but to send those girls through life with no repercussions is not helping them! I have had a relationship with them, but I have pulled away. I have so little time to spend being a couple, I don't want to include them too. They have their own family! I am not sure why my feelings towards them changed so much- Probably when their inclusion in everything made having a relationship with him impossible. I would understand if they were his grandchildren- or his children...

Anyway, I am not sure I will be able to get past this. I just feel too angry with the situation. It does not have to be this complicated!

Thank you for the help!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think that, to him, they ARE his kids. Lon has a good point. They ARE kids and that makes them not necessarily unredeemable, IF they had a good female role model, who knows? You may be just what they need to have half a chance at a decent life. Maybe this is your 'test' in life.

I have to say that blaming THEM for you not having a relationship with HIM is a little silly. You're an adult, you can talk to him and arrange a decent situation where you DO get to spend time with him. And if you've tried that and he resists, it's pretty telling - he just doesn't WANT to choose you over them. Therefore, the problem isn't them - whom you are vilifying in all this - but him, and your relationship with him.

People gravitate toward what makes them feel good. They avoid what makes them feel bad (just like you are doing). If he's not taking active steps to move everything out of the way to get to you, it's likely he's not getting the 'feel good' from you, at least not enough to overcome what he gets from including them as his family. 

Maybe it's time for some real conversation and some real introspection into you and what you represent to him.


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## parrotsx3 (Sep 1, 2011)

This is all very helpful. I have not been able to talk to anyone about how I feel and why. They ARE just teen age girls- but they have grown up so entitled while living off the State and my boyfriend. Three years ago I put my foot down. He was getting home at 8 pm and having to shovel snow to get into the driveway...those girls never thought to go outside and pick up a snow shovel! They are laying around watching TV- their mother is unemployed, and I am coming over from my house to shovel for him...sickening. Same with the cleaning and the dishes....He had to disconnect the washer and dryer because with a septic system, you cannot do load after load of laundry. He spent 25,000 having to re-pair the septic system after telling her to cut back on the laundry. She did it AGAIN and he had to call someone in to fix it. Thats when he disconnected the machines. HE had to do his laundry at the laundrymat...and SHE let the girls laundry pile up to epic piles of stinking laundry...Again, nobody lives like that...the bathroom they used has to to ripped out...who lives that way- especially rent free? And to see the remains of this house now that they have physically moved out...but left the bulk of unwanted belongings behind. It's just beyond comprehension the grime left behind. I think this is when I became so angry. That and the attitude of these girls. I just stopped liking them. They are just like their Mother despite everything my boyfriend has done for them- and still he gives them more. I took care of my kids and myself and my home with no help from anyone...and my kids are productive, happy , working individuals. These girls will never amount to a thing. I don't say that to be mean..it is a fact. The background they come from is too strong for them to become self supportive. Their Mother, raised by her grandmother, raised on welfare and it goes back for generations. The girls father? Loser also. He is now expecting yet another child...he has 5 children by 4 Mothers.

Since their own family walked away from them- because they KNOW...why should he or I be stuck with this PROBLEM? The State is already supporting them- what part do we need to continue to play and why? These girls are not sweet anymore. They want and expect, and they are ruining his life. He has no financial responsibility towards them. He has no emotional responsibility towards them. He will never be able to be proud of them. They have turned out to be just like their mother. 

His ties are superficial. I am just going to continue trying to clean and renovate the house enough so that we can live together. We are still engaged to marry although the date has changed. It's already known that it is a small wedding and the girls will not be there. Little by little I believe they will fall away. If he wants to spend time with them, he will do so without me. I just can't play family. They have caused too much damage to our relationship. Sorry if you do not agree. I will not continue to have a relationship with them.

Thank you for the insight!


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## parrotsx3 (Sep 1, 2011)

He absolutely does have a big heart..there is no doubt about it. But there is another side story that I was directly involved in that leads me away from ordaining him into the ministry.

He and I first got together 12 years ago. He saw me at a place we both worked at the time. I was going through a divorce and moving from my home with my 8 and 9 year old sons. I was not the least bit interested in a relationship.

He continued to pursue me. I was spending my breaks in my car because I had no interest in interacting with anyone. He would come to my car! Eventually I let him into a bit of what I was going through. He was also going through a divorce..but apparently his wife was unaware of that at the time. Yes...he just decided he was in a loveless marriage and neglected to tell her. She was 10myears older tan him with 2 grown kids....

So, we were together for an impossible year. Work schedule wise, we hardly saw one another. With all the other crap- I was going through a very difficult divorce- it was never even possible for this relationship to last.

We did go our separate ways after a year. But then he came back... turns out he had another nasty little secret. He had just been sent a summons for a DNA test. Turns out he had an affair the previous year and fathered a son. He absolutely has nothing but vile things to say about this woman...blaming her for everything. He even went so far to say that she set him up! Well, if you were going to sleep with a woman with 4 kids by 4 different fathers...wouldn't you insist on birth control? Sorry, his excuses fall on deaf ears! He allowed himself to be set up, IF that's what he thinks!

My first reaction was lets go get visitation and I will help you...and we can do this! He was adamant that he wanted nothing to do with this woman or this child. I could not be with a man who could walk away from his child..so we broke up for 10 years.

HE has always been the one to pursue me. He says that I am his soul mate. I am at the point in my life where I just wasn't looking. He tracked me down, we got together again, the feelings are still there...but the problems still exist. He informed me that these girls and their mother had been living with him for 10 years and he had lost 2 previous girlfriends over the situation. It never became an issue for me until we decided to get married nearly 4 years later...

So while he has this relationship with these unrelated girls...he has never met his biological son. How wrong is that? He says "he never got to be a Dad..." UH, he chose NOT to be a Dad. He still says it wasn't his choice. IT WAS TOTALLY HIS CHOICE! I was going through the custody part of my divorce at the time, and I told him I could help....

He walked away from his Son because he couldn't deal with his Mother, and now he has replaced him with two barely related teen aged girls? Something is just wrong about that! I keep saying that one of them is going to come up with the molestation claim on him...and he does not stand a chance against it. Do you still feel the same about me now?


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## parrotsx3 (Sep 1, 2011)

Thank you! Sometimes it takes seeing yourself through the eyes of another...
I went into this holiday weekend with dread- 
I realize now that whatever happened to change my relationship with the girls is on me..not them- and not him.

We both have our issues.. but he said in one note after we broke up the last time...besides my family..nobody loves me more than he does! Honestly, I don't think my family even loves me that much LOL! 
I have lived a very tough life. Abused by the priests my parents were involved with while they began "Marriage Encounter" in 1970-it sculpted my life into a very lonely existence. My Dad was a General in the Army..and I never felt like he cared about me. He was a very closed man. He showed affection for his son, my only brother- but not my sister and I. I really hated him for a long time. Then I got the chance to know how he was raised..and understood more about him. He was just as confused by me- as I was of him. 

We just had a difficult time understanding one another. He loves me! He is the best Dad he can be. We forgive each other. Lots of therapy. I was damaged for a very long time. That is part of why I did not think that what I was feeling about the girls was wrong.

But it was wrong...I think I just want to push everyone away as a defense tactic. I never believe that anyone is in it with me for the long haul. I'd rather throw them out than allow them to hurt me...wrong-wrong-wrong! 

I was a part of a fun part of these girls lives. I do have connection with them. The oldest is going through a rough patch right now..she's taking the horrible teenage years to the extreme. My guy has NO idea how to react to that! The younger girl is so opposite of her sister, he has no clue how to deal with her either! Both of them know exactly how to play him though! That is when I step in. Poor guy is like a deer in the headlights!

He is at my house right now, sound asleep on my couch. We were watching a movie..and even though we slept in today- he still falls asleep. I decided that I am thankful just that we are together in the same house! I am going to finish watching the movie and then wake him to go to bed downstairs. He has tomorrow off SO we have a extra day together. Awesome! Also, we did start packing up his kitchen..all the stuff that isn't his. We picked up 8 boxes at the liquor store and cleaned out several cabinets. If we have to pack her stuff and drop it off..that's what we will do..even though she should be doing it herself!!!

We bought a stove and a snow blower today! Delivered tomorrow! Things are moving forward and we may be living in the same house by next year! Our 9-10-11 wedding was cancelled. But maybe 12-12-12????


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## southerngirl78 (Sep 1, 2011)

Sounds like things are on the right track. I agree with everyone else he looks at the girls as his children. I think its great that you can be there to be a positive influence on them...love happy endings


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## parrotsx3 (Sep 1, 2011)

Yes, life is good! Thanks so much! <3


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