# My husband does not make me feel desired



## jwah (Jun 27, 2012)

My husband and I have been together since high school, and we are now 26 and 27. We have 3 children, ages 3, 5, and 7. My husband and I rarely have sex. And when I say rarely, I mean, less than once a month. I could probably have sex every day, if he was interested. I am so tired of being turned down. it hurts more and more every time. And I am not just wanting sex, but just to feel like he wants me! I am attractive and in pretty good shape, and I know that is not an issue. I have talked to him many many times about this, and he always says one of 2 things- its either "I am just too tired" or "I understand and I will try to be better about it". But nothing changes. I have been specific about the kind of things that would make me feel wanted, such as just touching my behind as he walks by, or making comments about me looking sexy. I have tried wearing sexy heels (and nothing else) when he comes to bed, and he just acts like he doesn't notice. 

To make things more complicated, he is into some odd things. He likes for me to cause him pain, and I mean real pain. And I have worked with him to do specific things that he wants. But he says that he would rather do these things than have any actual sex, oral or regular. It seems like what I do is never enough for him; every time has to be a little more painful for him, a little more outside my comfort zone. It has gotten to the point where I have actually injured him during these things, and I feel awful. I do not want to do stuff like this any more. 

I just want to have a semi normal sex life! I love my husband, and I cannot imagine leaving a marriage over lack of sex, but I just am going crazy. Has anyone here gone through this? Or any men who have these kind of desires instead of sex that can give me advice? :scratchhead:


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## ValleyForge (Jun 26, 2012)

A kinkster can have a fulfilling marriage to a non-kinkster as long as they both are willing to meet each others needs. 

Tell him you have shown your willingness to give him what he wants, and it's only fair to get what you want in return. A kink experience for a good-old fashion sex experience. Until he meets your needs, you will no longer be willing to meet his. And then you will only give him a kink session for each session of what you want. If that works, maybe you can try something that combines and satisfies both of your needs. If he's not able to get what he wants without reciprocation, maybe he'll be a more interested in your needs. 

No one can deny that that's mathematically fair.


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## iloveairplanes (Jun 21, 2012)

I know what you mean about being with someone for so long, having kids, etc. You don't want to give it all up just over sex....but that is just the thing that is pushing you over the edge. I have struggled with it for over 15 years since we have been married basically. I can get her to about once a week....but I want it practically daily. It has been a struggle and I have had an affair because of it. I think if I had someone on the side - I might be able to pull it off completely. I have WAY enough energy to take care of my wife (like above and beyond taking care of my wife in every aspect including romantic evenings and dates, trips, massages, meeting any of her other needs, etc) and still make time in the day every once in a while to be with a woman on the side. My wife found out about the other woman a long time ago (we just were chatting and met) but she had a fit. Too bad she didn't have a big enough fit to give me the sex that I wanted! But she sure didn't have a problem going to bed knowing I was going to probably "take care of myself" each evening.

So - maybe defying conventional wisdom here and getting a little secret booty on the side so that your needs are taken care of AND you aren't leaving the family?

Otherwise - you are committed to ACCEPTING who he is and what he can provide in that area....no changing someone else - they are either going to do it because they want to or NOT.

Good luck - were in the same boat!


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## jwah (Jun 27, 2012)

iloveairplanes:

See, I wish I could get him to have sex 1-2 times a week, but we are going on about once every 1-2 months! It sucks. 
I have had an affair. My husband knows. One would think that would make it clear how much this is important to me. But it has not. 

I do not WANT to have another affair, but I have options, trust me... Morally, that is not what I want to do. I cannot live with myself without feeling awful. To make it worse, my main opportunity for an affair is with an old friend's husband, who is also in the same boat. 

An affair will not fix the problem for me, though, because I will still feel unwanted and undesired by my own husband. And he is the most important person to me.


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## chewing_on_pearls (Jun 5, 2012)

He's a masochist. Try to explore it a little bit with him


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

chewing_on_pearls said:


> He's a masochist. Try to explore it a little bit with him


I agree with you CoPearls. 
I would angle it towards him providing some sort of service to you, JWah, like you are his Goddess and he your servant... role play so you have some satisfaction yourself. Perhaps too the 'threat' of potential of you hurting him is enough to avoid hurting him, you could play with that (uncomfortable as it might be, you can then try to reduce it towards your comfort zone)


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

jwah said:


> To make things more complicated, he is into some odd things. He likes for me to cause him pain, and I mean real pain.


Well, I must have been out sick the day that they were teaching this in "sex ed." Kind of glad I was~ Excuse my perceived ignorance, but I just don't see the need for the inclusion of pain into such a loving and trusting act with someone that I would care so deeply for!


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## mestalla guy (Mar 20, 2012)

Just cheat on him again,................... Honestly, some people are unbelievably selfish, maybe that's why he dosnt want to go anywhere near you, why should he
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You will never have a normal sex life with him. I wouldn't normally say this but I think you would be better off a part. This is because you deserve someone who desires you and who is more compatible sexually. 

I would consider myself quite kinky, and I can't change my desires and what turns me on. Also if I was in your position, harming my husband would turn me off. You can't help how you feel either, but I think your husband is getting his sexual needs met elsewhere (that doesn't mean cheating but it is likely to happen as his need for certain kinky sexual activities is obviously strong).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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