# When to tell potential dates about affair?



## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

I'm recently divorced and am doing online dating. At what point do you think I should tell them I had an affair at the end of my marriage? Prior to meeting? Once we meet? I do plan on disclosing it just not sure if it should be prior to meeting or once we meet. Thoughts?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I'd keep it to yourself.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I wouldn't tell anyone unless it was headed close to an engagment with a new person.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Depends if you want to see them again or not.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I'd want to know prior to meeting so I could cancel.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

The discussion about why and how previous relationships didn't work out is for when you go from dating to "In a relationship". When you both decide on an intimate relationship (ie share your intimate thoughts together and have started to build some trust).


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

We don't have to tell every single person we date about mistakes we made in previous relationships. I wouldn't reveal this sort of information until things started to become serious.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Unless they have brought up the subject of marriage, it's none of their business. Nobody gets a Carfax if they only want a joy ride.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> We don't have to tell every single person we date about mistakes we made in previous relationships. I wouldn't reveal this sort of information until things started to become serious.


Even if his last girlfriend cheated on him?


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Usually that stuff along with other intimate personal stuff gets divulged once in a relationship and once "trust" starts to come into play. Its kind of sucks though, because most people who have not had affairs themselves would not want to date someone who had them, and this is the same for all people who want to avoid those with shady pasts or pasts they do not approve of. However, we all lie/hide things until in the relationship, because we are looking after our interests first and thus not looking out for the other persons interests (whom we may wish to date), and by not looking out for their interests we are then in short hurting them and robbing them of truth they'd like to know. 

So in many cases two people who WOULD NEVER end up together if you judged them by past actions/behavior/resumes DO end up dating because pasts/trust is not yet built. Then comes the TROUBLE because once secrets and pasts are divulged individuals feel robbed/lied to and have their own moral views questioned as they are now with a person they would not have chosen. That is then when emotions override logic and talk of "love/romance" among many other words come into action.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> Even if his last girlfriend cheated on him?


That isn't something I'd really expect to know about a potential new date... We all have skeletons and baggage, and it's a case of using our judgment as to when it's appropriate to reveal such details. Many dates don't go beyond more than a few dates, and I don't believe that it's necessary for us to 'tell all' to every single person we meet.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Kimberley17 said:


> I'm recently divorced and am doing online dating. At what point do you think I should tell them I had an affair at the end of my marriage? Prior to meeting? Once we meet? I do plan on disclosing it just not sure if it should be prior to meeting or once we meet. Thoughts?



If your date had an affair in his/her past, when would you want to hear about it? 

But my opinion is that very personal details about my life is not something I would mention until some trust has been established.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> We don't have to tell every single person we date about mistakes we made in previous relationships. I wouldn't reveal this sort of information until things started to become serious.


This. I think I've cheated on everyone but my husband (young and stupid) married 22 years faithfully now.

I didn't tell him till it got serious.

Oh and his fiancé cheated on him.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Kimberly, 

I don't recall, but did you ever tell your exH of your affair? 
If not, not being critical here, but why tell the new guy then?
I think it would be a good thing to tell, and if you recall my advice on that other thread was, finally, not to tell your exH. 
Did that life experience change your mind?

DT


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

doubletrouble said:


> Kimberly,
> 
> I don't recall, but did you ever tell your exH of your affair?
> If not, not being critical here, but why tell the new guy then?
> ...


No, I never did tell him. He is happy in a new relationship and I don't see the point. I think I will wait until a relationship is established to spill the beans. Thanks for the advice..


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Kimberley17 said:


> I'm recently divorced and am doing online dating. At what point do you think I should tell them I had an affair at the end of my marriage? Prior to meeting? Once we meet? I do plan on disclosing it just not sure if it should be prior to meeting or once we meet. Thoughts?


Put the shoe on the other foot. When would YOU want to know? Before or AFTER you meet?

Vega


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I think you'll know. There will be a moment when you are in the thick of it, wanting to commit, wanting to be his everything, and in a moment of reflection and (possibly) silence, you will get the urge to tell him. And that will be the right thing to do, since you have stated many times, you never want to make that mistake again. And I think you can tell him that, too. 

I only wish my fWW had told me the truth before we got together. Trust and heart, broken simultaneously.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You will know when your relationship gets serious. Pick a good situation to disclose. Why are you not with the affair partner? And you should get checked for stds before getting serious.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

OMG!

All of the women telling her to wait until it's serious/engagement.

That's right, wait until he's proposed and is under enormous pressure to go through with the wedding to tell him.

That way, if he backs out, no one knows why he called off the wedding and they can all go on and on about what a loser he is and how he needs to grow up and learn about commitment (by marrying a woman who cheated on her husband).

Looking out for the sisterhood? You bet.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Before you meet, if possible. Guys need to know what their getting into.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I remember your story Kim. I would say its gotta happen at one of two places.

either
1) Upon agreement of exclusivity.
2) That conversation about boundaries. Just wish you had a more conventional affair. AMcheatersite is gonna be a harder sell than normal. I would definitely pre-work your explanation once you start getting close to exclusivity.

Might I ask if you have taken any steps to make sure it was a single affair in your life and not a pattern? That might help you sell yourself as a good catch. "I HAD a problem. I got help for it."

Yes I remember you talking about begging ex to work on relationship but Im male and see it from male perspective. I dont wish you ill. Understand for men, its a territorial thing. Chauvenistic? Yep but I call it as I see it.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

I would lie, quality men will not want to be with a woman that cheats.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

At some point it is only fair that you tell him. I think you are right that it should be after the relationship is established. Imagine if he found out or connected the dots when the relationship becomes very serious. 

I know I would have a difficult time wrapping my head around being committed to someone who seeked out an affair through AM. Trust and character would immediately come into question. If I found out through other means then that would be harder to overcome ... it would reinforce the lack of trust issue. If she approached it with humility and without justification ... a poor decision that will never happen again then I might be better able to view it as an issue that is truly in past and remove doubt about who you are now.

_Posted via *Topify* using Android_


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

That will be hard. You can either do "the right thing", tell every potential date from the first date, or from the very moment they ask you out *sarcastic* so they can run the hill immediately and remain single forever, paying for your mistakes, to the huge satisfaction of the TAMers. OR you can reveal it later on, when things get serious with someone, when you built a bond strong enough to support the weight of such confession.
Because from the moment you tell this thing to a new partner, they'll look at you differently. The trust will be shaken. They'll wonder "if she could cheat on her ex husband, couldn't she cheat on me too? She didn't answer the phone, is she with someone else? After all, she's capable of cheating. Why did she dress so sexy for work, why did she come late from the super market?" From the moment he hears, these thoughts will he have. 
I hope you will not repeat the old mistakes and be faithful in your next relationship. Work on yourself. Stop wearing the cheater label and stop deserving it. Then decide whom and if you want to tell about what you did.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

ntamph said:


> OMG!
> 
> All of the women telling her to wait until it's serious/engagement.
> 
> ...


Why turn this into a man vs woman thread? The same applies to both genders.

By 'serious' I think most of us here mean when the dating is no longer just casual. 

When people ask me why I divorced, I politely decline to tell them. I see no reason for every Tom, D!ck or Harry to know that my ex is asexual. That sort of information is on a 'need to know' basis, and if I've only just started dating somebody they most certainly don't fall into that category.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

I think if I spent time, resources and made an emotional investment in someone only to be told that they cheated with the last man they were with I would be extremely upset. My first wife cheated on me so I knew I still had trust issues from her betrayal. I told my wife about this very early on in the process because if she didn't want to deal with my problems it wasn't fair if me to string her along.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Getting to know someone you are interested in is not "an investment" and if it doesn't work out for you it is your problem alone, everybody has past mistakes, and if you'd feel upset because a past affair is a dealbreaker then that disappointment is caused from judging prematurely.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

That's the point. I can't get to know them if they are not truthful about who they are. Its a deception that I most certainly have a problem with. And cheating is NOT a mistake.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

bfree said:


> That's the point. I can't get to know them if they are not truthful about who they are. Its a deception that I most certainly have a problem with. And cheating is NOT a mistake.


I think many _repentant, reformed cheaters_ might disagree with you. They learned that cheating was one of the biggest mistakes of their lives - and they learned from it.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> Why turn this into a man vs woman thread? The same applies to both genders.
> 
> By 'serious' I think most of us here mean when the dating is no longer just casual.
> 
> When people ask me why I divorced, I politely decline to tell them. I see no reason for every Tom, D!ck or Harry to know that my ex is asexual. That sort of information is on a 'need to know' basis, and if I've only just started dating somebody they most certainly don't fall into that category.


An asexual ex is completely out of your control. Your own cheating is not. 

*Why wait until it's serious? Maybe because she knows that being honest early (before both parties are emotionally invested) will scare 99% of men away.*


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: When to tell potential dates about affair?*



Cosmos said:


> I think many _repentant, reformed cheaters_ might disagree with you. They learned that cheating was one of the biggest mistakes of their lives - and they learned from it.


If they truly learned from it they would know that the lies are as bad as the actual infidelity itself. Therefore they wouldn't lie, even by omission, to a potential partner.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you're going out, unless he asks details about your previous relationships, he really doesn't need or want to hear about them. If you're only on two or three dates and you start telling him this stuff, it will sound like you're overtly husband hunting and the topic might be waaaaaay premature.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I think.... while you are "dating", but before it gets serious. When you think it is starting to get serious, you should tell whatever secrets you are impelled to tell. I think everyone has them. Some are worse than others, and some can handle your secrets while others cannot. 

Ya know, dating is a way of getting to know someone. Finding out if you will work together. So secrets have to come out or it's really not fair to the other person. 

Some people "get it", some people don't. There is so much more to cheating than just getting some strange. Yes, I know, most find it condemnable.... but some people UNDERSTAND. And I get why some never will... because in a perfect world, it wouldn't happen. 

I wouldn't tell them before you meet them. BUT... maybe even on the first date, ask if there are any skeletons in the closet that they feel like they should share with a potential date. Then share yours. Even if they don't state one (and ya, I kinda believe that some people do not have skeletons!) It just seems like a fair first date question. Kind of like part of the 20 questions that can happen. 

Personally, I want to know the worst that they think of themselves. Sometimes I think it's not half as bad as they think it is. And who knows... maybe they cheated on their ex with good reason. (OMG... I know, no good reason..... and yet....)


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

SunnyT said:


> I think.... while you are "dating", but before it gets serious. When you think it is starting to get serious, you should tell whatever secrets you are impelled to tell. I think everyone has them. Some are worse than others, and some can handle your secrets while others cannot.
> 
> Ya know, dating is a way of getting to know someone. Finding out if you will work together. So secrets have to come out or it's really not fair to the other person.
> 
> ...


So she should turn it around on the guy and make him feel bad/vulnerable to soften the landing when she drops the bomb?

Sounds manipulative to me. I have been told to NEVER EVER ask about a woman's past. But women can do this just fine?


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Quant said:


> I would lie, quality men will not want to be with a woman that cheats.


As if "quality" men would want to be with a *LIAR* instead?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: When to tell potential dates about affair?*



michzz said:


> The thing is, many of us who have been cheated upon have the feeling that the number of unrepentant, unreformed cheaters is is far greater than the number of repentant, reformed cheaters.
> 
> So it is a quick shortcut to not waste time on risking further exposure to cheating behavior to insist on overt honest admission EARLY in a dating situation of infidelity.


And then that would be your potential loss.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Lon said:


> And then that would be your potential loss.


One of the earliest conversation I had wiith my wife while we were dating was about infidelity. And yes I told her about my experiences and trust issues and yes I asked her if she had ever cheated on anyone. I found that this deepened the connection we were developing and certainly put my mind at ease. If she had cheated one someone I would want to know that. I would want to be able to look into her eyes and read her facial expressions and body language for signs of how she was really feeling about that experience. Would I have continued to date her? It depends on what I thought she was truly feeling. Now if I found out sometime down the road that she had lied (lying by ommission is still lying.) I'm gone. To me the dishonesty is the worst part of cheating on someone so how could I trust her after that?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

bfree said:


> If they truly learned from it they would know that the lies are as bad as the actual infidelity itself. Therefore they wouldn't lie, even by omission, to a potential partner.


I'm not advocating that they should lie. I'm saying that I don't believe that they need to tell all to every *casual *date they go on. When the relationship becomes less casual (ie more serious, ie dating more frequently), that, IMO, is the time to tell them.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

ntamph said:


> An asexual ex is completely out of your control. Your own cheating is not.
> 
> *Why wait until it's serious? Maybe because she knows that being honest early (before both parties are emotionally invested) will scare 99% of men away.*


Yes it was out of my control, and I was very damaged by it... But this didn't make me think that it gave me the right to know before or on the first / second date whether or not every subsequent man I dated was asexual... It was something that was important to me, but something for me to learn as the relationship progressed.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: When to tell potential dates about affair?*



Cosmos said:


> I'm not advocating that they should lie. I'm saying that I don't believe that they need to tell all to every *casual *date they go on. When the relationship becomes less casual (ie more serious, ie dating more frequently), that, IMO, is the time to tell them.


Not on the first date but I would definitely consider coming clean on the second date and absolutely by the third date. If you go past that point you're lying by omission.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

bfree said:


> Not on the first date but I would definitely consider coming clean on the second date and absolutely by the third date. If you go past that point you're lying by omission.


Well... I've never cheated on anyone so I haven't been faced with this problem. But if I had, it's something I would only divulge if I saw the relationship progressing further, and I would be unlikely to know this by, even, the third date. I never rush into relationships


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think the time to tell is the when you have the talk about you getting divorced.

Not the simple time where you just say your divorced and therefore free to date with out cheating, but the longer version where you are actually talking about yourself with him.

You certainly tell him, before you become exclusive.

It would be dishonest to have someone pledge to be exclusive with you without you letting know your past choice to cheat on your husband.

Basically you have to declare that you've got a past as a bank robber before they put their trust in you by giving you access to the bank vault.

Who knows, you may find the guy comes clean about himself being unable to remain loyal to the person he pledged his fidelity too as well, then you'll have something to think about yourself in evaluating him, because you might not want to put your trust in him once you know the truth about the kind of person and his morals that he is.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: When to tell potential dates about affair?*



Cosmos said:


> Well... I've never cheated on anyone so I haven't been faced with this problem. But if I had, it's something I would only divulge if I saw the relationship progressing further, and I would be unlikely to know this by, even, the third date. I never rush into relationships


But it's not about you. You already have the facts. It's about the person you are potentially deceiving. If you were really remorseful you wouldn't be making it about you. Nor would you be trying to control the narrative. That's what unrepentant cheaters do.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I think the time to tell is the when you have the talk about you getting divorced.
> 
> Not the simple time where you just say your divorced and therefore free to date with out cheating, but the longer version where you are actually talking about yourself with him.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I think by the time you know one another well enough for one of you to ask "Why did you divorce?" that certainly is the time to be honest.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

If a guy told me that he cheated on his wife, I would wonder why he is telling me this but also assume that he is warning me about what the future will look like with him. 

Knowledge may bestow power but it also bestows responsibility here. I betcha anyone who comes here saying that their partner freely told them about their cheating in the last relationship will be called a fool before he or she is offered any constructive advice.

Since you, OP, asked and I am putting myself in the position of your advocate, I would say that if you want to continue cheating in your relationships you should tell him. And if he continues with you, well, then your philandering becomes his problem.

If you decide not to tell him, then you must remain faithful to him throughout your relationship with him.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Lon said:


> The discussion about why and how previous relationships didn't work out is for when you go from dating to "In a relationship". When you both decide on an intimate relationship (ie share your intimate thoughts together and have started to build some trust).



THIS

I'd do it in stages.
1. If he asks, tell him the truth, even if it's before the next stages.
2. If he doesn't ask but you two become exclusive and in a relationship, you should say something.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

And btw, I think the BS has a responsibility to disclose that they have been cheated on. I had trust issues from my exW's betrayal and I shared that piece of information because I value honesty and openness. That's just one reason I am so vehemently opposed to Kimberley continuing to keep that important information from her exH.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

bfree said:


> And btw, I think the BS has a responsibility to disclose that they have been cheated on.* I had trust issues from my exW's betrayal *and I shared that piece of information because I value honesty and openness. That's just one reason I am so vehemently opposed to Kimberley continuing to keep that important information from her exH.


Could someone please tell me how trust issues manifest themselves?


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Don't you dare let someone even come close to having feelings for you before you tell them that you are guilty of infidelity in a past relationship. 

If I ever date again and I find out someone disclosed that they were once a cheater AFTER I start having feelings I would be so f*cking pissed off.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Lon said:


> And then that would be your potential loss.


A loss very much worth it if you ask me. I would want to know before I ever go out with them. I will never waste my time on anyone who has cheated in the past. I have enough to deal with staying with my current cheater. Getting out and dealing with another one??? F'ck that. 

Tell before the 1st date. If they run...well that is just one more consequence for sleeping with someone that wasn't your spouse. 

Life sucks.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Could someone please tell me how trust issues manifest themselves?


By being cheated on, lied to repeatedly and gaslighted until you begin to question your own sanity.

In my particular case this was compounded by subsequent depression, suicidal actions, alcoholism, drug abuse etc. Its actually amazing what being betrayed can do to a person.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: When to tell potential dates about affair?*



minimalME said:


> I think most, if not all, of the responses you've gotten have been from a hypothetical standpoint.


Not completely hypothetical with me either. When my now ex W and I were dating, and becoming serious, we had this conversation. She was feeling unworthy of me because she had both cheated on an ex bf and also between an OW. She almost ended our relationship due to her own guilt without even telling me her reason (which would have been worse to me than finding out the truth). But then we opened up to each other and she saw that I was not going to judge her for it. I saw she was genuinely ashamed and seemed remorseful, and it was behavior from the past when she was still young and immature and figuring things out, and also had made no vows with anyone.

I do not regret that I accepted her past indiscretions, because what I valued more was the relationship we had at the time and the trust we were building by demonstrating honesty and acceptance. 

When she cheated on me and our marriage I looked back at my decision at that early point in the relationship to continue on with her and even though it would be easy to attribute the pattern of a serial cheater, the reality is that it was all a crapshoot, a clean past is no guarantee of loyalty, and a past riddled with mistakes is no guarantee of infidelity. People can and do learn from their mistakes and life is constantly changing, I put it at 50/50 that regardless of a persons past that a good relationship may turn fatally sour. The people in my life are because I connect with them in various ways not because they surpass a test of my standards.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Lon said:


> Not completely hypothetical with me either. When my now ex W and I were dating, and becoming serious, we had this conversation. She was feeling unworthy of me because she had both cheated on an ex bf and also between an OW. She almost ended our relationship due to her own guilt without even telling me her reason (which would have been worse to me than finding out the truth). But then we opened up to each other and she saw that I was not going to judge her for it. I saw she was genuinely ashamed and seemed remorseful, and it was behavior from the past when she was still young and immature and figuring things out, and also had made no vows with anyone.
> 
> I do not regret that I accepted her past indiscretions, because what I valued more was the relationship we had at the time and the trust we were building by demonstrating honesty and acceptance.
> 
> When she cheated on me and our marriage I looked back at my decision at that early point in the relationship to continue on with her and even though it would be easy to attribute the pattern of a serial cheater, the reality is that it was all a crapshoot, a clean past is no guarantee of loyalty, and a past riddled with mistakes is no guarantee of infidelity. People can and do learn from their mistakes and life is constantly changing, I put it at 50/50 that regardless of a persons past that a good relationship may turn fatally sour. The people in my life are because I connect with them in various ways not because they surpass a test of my standards.


I have never cheated not been cheated on (that I am aware). Very wise my friend!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

I'd probably want to know very soon, so neither me nor my hypothetical date would waste our time. I don't care if i'm head over heels, lost in puppy love.

There's a good chance i'm not alone in that, so probably best to get it out early and just see how they feel about it. I'm sure it's no good for you either to develop feelings only to have them dashed if they decide it's a deal breaker.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

What is wrong with laying some groundwork? "I used to be married and there is a lot of things I did back then that I wasn't proud of. If we start to click, we'll talk about it more later."

Clear. Simple. He can now prod and probe if he wants. Since his hands probably aren't clean, he might put that off for when he starts to have feelings.

And Lisa...not being a mind reader, HOW do I know when she/he has feelings? They probably have feelings before THEY know they have feelings. 

There is no perfect way to deal with this, particularly since everyone has different criteria.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

JCD said:


> What is wrong with laying some groundwork? *"I used to be married and there is a lot of things I did back then that I wasn't proud of. If we start to click, we'll talk about it more later."*
> 
> Clear. Simple. He can now prod and probe if he wants. Since his hands probably aren't clean, he might put that off for when he starts to have feelings.
> 
> ...


Something as vague as that would have me running for the hills. YMMV


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> Something as vague as that would have me running for the hills. YMMV


Ya to me that's worse than just outright admitting it. My imagination would be running wild and I would assume the worst anyway.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Actually, a quote like that I would appreciate. It's honest, doesn't reveal too much, and hell I have made mistakes in my past as well.

My imagination may run wild, but I'll think more "ok, she knows the mistakes she's made in life". But that's just me.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Lon said:


> Not completely hypothetical with me either. When my now ex W and I were dating, and becoming serious, we had this conversation. She was feeling unworthy of me because she had both cheated on an ex bf and also between an OW. She almost ended our relationship due to her own guilt without even telling me her reason (which would have been worse to me than finding out the truth). But then we opened up to each other and she saw that I was not going to judge her for it. I saw she was genuinely ashamed and seemed remorseful, and it was behavior from the past when she was still young and immature and figuring things out, and also had made no vows with anyone.
> 
> I do not regret that I accepted her past indiscretions, because what I valued more was the relationship we had at the time and the trust we were building by demonstrating honesty and acceptance.
> 
> When she cheated on me and our marriage I looked back at my decision at that early point in the relationship to continue on with her and even though it would be easy to attribute the pattern of a serial cheater, the reality is that it was all a crapshoot, a clean past is no guarantee of loyalty, and a past riddled with mistakes is no guarantee of infidelity. People can and do learn from their mistakes and life is constantly changing, I put it at 50/50 that regardless of a persons past that a good relationship may turn fatally sour. The people in my life are because I connect with them in various ways not because they surpass a test of my standards.


Lon, I applaud your views and your openness. If more people shared that, the world would be a much better place.

I will disagree that a person's past has no relevance on their future though. Your exW, in my humble opinion, is a PERFECT example. When the going gets tough or some other stimuli, she reacts by cheating. 3 times cheating on 3 different men......that's no coincidence. Yes she sees it as wrong, yes she feel remorse and regret, but she also sees it as an reasonable response to some external environment. Many people don't think cheating is an option in ANY way. My exW had cheated in her past, and go figure, she cheated on me. My wife had NEVER cheated in any relationship and she's someone who will discuss problems, go to counseling whatever, but cheating isn't an option for her.

Yes people can learn from their mistakes. But the problem with cheating is, the MAJORITY (I won't say all) of cheaters aren't high on "self-monitoring" and "self-awareness" in their psychological make ups. It's what allowed them to cheat the first time. This isn't something that can necessarily be fixed with regret and remorse. They simply lack the tools to watch themselves at the level needed to avoid cheating. It doesn't mean they will cheat again, but they will be predisposed to cheating if the situations line up correctly.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

JCD, that is the point! You don't know when someone is going to start developing feelings for you. Perhaps they wouldn't want to develop feelings for someone that has shown a complete lack of character and respect for relationships. Perhaps that person does not ever want to associate with anyone romantically that is proven to be weak in that capacity. By not disclosing this information about one self immediately, they are taking the choice away from the potential date when it matters most. Once someone has feelings for another person, they don't want to let that go. Their judgment is clouded. They decide, _Well I already like you so I will take a chance_. Then guess what happens, they get their heart stomped on a million times because once again the cheater cheats. 

I am not saying that is always the case...but it is a lot of the times and if that person had the warning before any kind of emotional investment was made (and that can happen by the end of the first date), they might have chosen differently. 

If you (general public) have cheated in relationships, you are already a risk...don't let someone else fall into your trap. Even if you have no intention of repeating the cheating behavior, you have been proven weak in the past. Your potential date deserves fair warning before ever going on that date with you. 

Just my opinion.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Another thread living its own life without the OP coming back. I think she has her answer.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: When to tell potential dates about affair?*



Dad&Hubby said:


> Lon, I applaud your views and your openness. If more people shared that, the world would be a much better place.
> 
> I will disagree that a person's past has no relevance on their future though. Your exW, in my humble opinion, is a PERFECT example. When the going gets tough or some other stimuli, she reacts by cheating. 3 times cheating on 3 different men......that's no coincidence. Yes she sees it as wrong, yes she feel remorse and regret, but she also sees it as an reasonable response to some external environment. Many people don't think cheating is an option in ANY way. My exW had cheated in her past, and go figure, she cheated on me. My wife had NEVER cheated in any relationship and she's someone who will discuss problems, go to counseling whatever, but cheating isn't an option for her.
> 
> Yes people can learn from their mistakes. But the problem with cheating is, the MAJORITY (I won't say all) of cheaters aren't high on "self-monitoring" and "self-awareness" in their psychological make ups. It's what allowed them to cheat the first time. This isn't something that can necessarily be fixed with regret and remorse. They simply lack the tools to watch themselves at the level needed to avoid cheating. It doesn't mean they will cheat again, but they will be predisposed to cheating if the situations line up correctly.


I suffer from depression, it is part of my psychological composition, and leads to serious challenges to having a relationship with me. I can often function but I have a predisposition to being miserable and I sometimes lack the ability to watch myself at the level necessary to avoid depressive bouts. And I make plenty of bad choices because of how I am. That doesn't mean I have no value, that potential mates should run for the hills when they learn about how I am.

Knowing what I know, I would still consider a relationship with someone who had admitted to cheating in her past. But what I have learned for myself is to not put all my stock into another person, not to gamble my life outcome on someone else problems. All relationships are optional, and making vows blindly is foolish (which has changed my perception of the institution of marriage in a significant way).

If someone cheats on me again, it will be too bad for them that they made such a poor choice and were in so much pain that they had to resort to their primal dysfunctional ways, and I will send them off with well wishes on their journey in life alone.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

The problem here is that society blames the victim so often, mos people have learned to be very careful. If a partner were to cheat on you, the first thing out of anyone's mouth would be "well, he / she told you that they were capable of doing that. Continuing to stay with that person constitutes tacit permission." 

OR it gets expressed as "you need to fix your partner picker better."

Well, I guess that means being pickier up front.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I believe people can change...and when they have ....they can express it in such a way that inspires belief in the other...because it's something DEEP within them, they have taken steps to prove their new awakening from an old lifestyle... How we live speaks... 

I was asking my husband last night...how so often people claim *"No regrets"* to their past, even when it hurts their spouse deeply, even saying in the next breathe, if they could live their life over again, they wouldn't have done those things........

And I said to him...why would anyone say that, it doesn't make sense to me ...I asked him what reasons could anyone have to NOT REGRET.....the only thing he could think of was...*if they LEARNED from their mistakes...*

Now that made sense to me, that it set them on a new path...so therefore a worthy lesson came out of it -they will carry the rest of their lives. (Been there, done that, realize It was wrong, never never again) 

Mistakes are one thing..... what I could never deal with is this >> an attitude of ...
"*it's none of your business"* from a man, even a hint of that...... Never in a day.. I am all for *transparency* in every aspect, the more willingly open you are...this includes the DIRT......the more respect I will have for such a person for being that vulnerable......the person who refuses to reveal / who hides & justifies it ...is someone I could never trust....Evasive (little self revelation) & being too mysterious has never been something that turned me on, or I wanted in a partner. 

When to tell a potential date... before sleeping with them...this is probably too soon for many with how casual sex is used in society today however.... 

So then my answer would be ...before you are considered "*exclusive*"/ an item.... when the 2 , just dating.. has now turned into "we are a couple" and introduced as such among friends/ family.. .if you get that far...the conversation deserves to be had....this is fair and HONORABLE....

It's a bombshell discussion no doubt...and should be handled with care....if one waits longer than this... the other may question what else has not been shared & kept hidden.....depending on the person of course... if they think transparency is Over rated and unnecessary....they love their privacy....I guess it wouldn't matter at all ...in that case, they have skeletons in their closest you will never hear about also...


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> SimplyAmorous said: So then my answer would be ...before you are considered "exclusive"/ an item.... when the 2 , just dating.. has now turned into "we are a couple" and introduced as such among friends/ family.. .if you get that far...the conversation deserves to be had....this is fair and HONORABLE....


:iagree:

The notion that someone should be required to tell all on the first date, or even before, is as ludicrous to me as having to tattoo the word "Cheater" on one's forehead.

A history of cheating _would_ be a deal breaker for me, but people do make stupid mistakes, and I believe that it's possible to learn from them.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> :iagree:
> 
> The notion that someone should be required to tell all on the first date, or even before, is as ludicrous to me as having to tattoo the word "Cheater" on one's forehead.
> 
> A history of cheating _would_ be a deal breaker for me, but people do make stupid mistakes, and I believe that it's possible to learn from them.


How can you call a persons standards to dating ludicrous? For me, as someone who has been cheated on...there is nothing ludicrous about protecting my heart. 

I won't hesitate to ask during the first conversation before a date is ever had to ask "Have you ever cheated?" If that answer is yes, the conversation ends and I feel good knowing he won't ever be repeating that behavior with me. Waiting until the exclusive conversation is IMO manipulative. At that point there is definitely an emotional investment made and the wrong time to tell someone you have proven incapable of being faithful.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why would you tell any "potential" date this info? 
Wouldn't you at least want to go on a date first?

:scratchhead:


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Why would you tell any "potential" date this info?
> Wouldn't you at least want to go on a date first?
> 
> :scratchhead:


When it comes to online dating, I think there is plenty of conversation had between them before a first date is ever made...he or she should disclose then. 

If they meet organically say, in the grocery store and he gets her number, gives her a call, they have a good hour long conversation...it should be told then. 

I think if they are going to wait until the actual date to really talk about themselves, it should be told no later than by the end of the first date. And that is giving a lot of leeway for me. 

That is why I like online dating...I can make my preferences known before any one emails me.


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## KAM1959 (Aug 28, 2013)

It's in your past leave it alone, because it may lead to questions and issues that would be irrelevant to your present relationship. Besides you can't change the past only the future.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

KAM1959 said:


> It's in your past leave it alone, because it may lead to questions and issues that would be irrelevant to your present relationship. Besides you can't change the past only the future.


And what happens when it is found out? Because it will be. At that moment, it is no longer in the past, but is part of the present.

I for one would be very interested in this information, especially how they explain it. If they put even part of the blame on their former partner, that says way more about them than just the fact that they cheated.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

OK.. so I'm goimg on a third date this weekend with a guy so I've been thinking of telling him. Is it time??


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Damn close. Is he saying stuff like he is liking you? If yes, yes. Idea word it positively. "I have to start out anything that might go anywhere with honestly..." Explain but do not justify. End with "I should have divorced him first and I know it was wrong"


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I think that you do not need to divulge your affair to a serious BF unless he asks you about whether you ever cheated in the past. To me it depends on how much of your past your BF needs to know before he's comfortable with you. Everyone is different, and broadcasting your sins to the world is akin to wearing the scarlet letter forever. 

When I was in the dating scene, I wanted to know all about the past of my prior GFs. Some will disagree with asking about past relationships, but I wanted to know what I was getting myself into and if I could handle being with someone if she was a lot more experienced or if I wanted to deal with the worries about a cheating GF. Others are different and let the past remain in the past. While I favor asking the questions for my own info, it doesn't mean that you have to voluntarily share everything about you if it's not asked for by your BF. He may be one of those guys who doesn't care about your past and only wants to live with who you are today. 

Bottom line is you cannot hide your past. If he asks you about your past you should share the truth. If he doesn't ask, assume he doesn't want to know about it.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

I wouldn't consider this guy my boyfriend. This will only be date #3. He has asked about my marriage but not specifically if I've cheated. I don't why this is weighing on me but I think I will wait longer or until he asks ..


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> Damn close. Is he saying stuff like he is liking you? If yes, yes. Idea word it positively. "I have to start out anything that might go anywhere with honestly..." Explain but do not justify. End with "I should have divorced him first and I know it was wrong"


He has said he likes me but that doesn't mean much. We are just getting to know one another at this point.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Why don't you bring up the topic by asking him if he has ever cheated on a relationship partner? (rather than announcing you were one) then that puts it back in his court if it is an important matter to him or not.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Lon said:


> Why don't you bring up the topic by asking him if he has ever cheated on a relationship partner? (rather than announcing you were one) then that puts it back in his court if it is an important matter to him or not.




This is the approach I will take when I decide to tell him. But the question is when should I bring it up? I think I'm going to still wait a little while longer. Who knows, we may not make it to a 4th date. I want whomever I start a relationship with to know about what I did.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: When to tell potential dates about affair?*



Kimberley17 said:


> This is the approach I will take when I decide to tell him. But the question is when should I bring it up? I think I'm going to still wait a little while longer. Who knows, we may not make it to a 4th date. I want whomever I start a relationship with to know about what I did.


Just enjoy communicating, and let the conversation steer the discussion, you will know when the time is, or is not, right.


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