# My fiance was married before. He has a secret life



## tuff1 (Oct 23, 2012)

I found evidence of some startling facts about my fiance and don't know what to do. When I confronted him, he denied everything. Stupid me that I didn't make a copy of the evidence I saw. Thinking about just ending the relationship, but it's hard. What if I never found someone amazing like him? But at the same time, I can't live with all those lies. I just wish there's a way to get all those evidence and put in front of his face, then see how he would say.
I'd love to hear from anyone having the same situation and what you've done to it.

Thank you!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I wish I had known the secrets before we married. I would not have gotten married to her. The mindset is the problem much more than the content of the secrets.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

What kind of evidence did you find, i.e. emails, photos, letters, bills, etc...?
Does he have children by someone else? 
What is the nature of his "secret life"?
Do you suspect that he is still in contact with a former wife/lover?


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## tuff1 (Oct 23, 2012)

Thor, agree with you. That's why I'm still thinking to myself: do I love him enough to look pass all those secrets and lies.

tm84, thanks for your bang-on questions, here are what I found in his belongings: 
- Marriage certificate (he said he's never married)
- Name change certificate (he said he was born with the name he currently bears)
- Birth certificate (completely different birth place from where he said he was born, heck, the record is not even English)
- Immigration record, foreign passport and ID (and he said he was a citizen here in Canada)
- a bunch of rent receipt (he said the house is his and he's paying mortgage)
- Some court files for assault and shop-lifting (this made me very sad)
- Pay tubs from companies he never told me he used to work for
- Disability checks (he claimed that his family is wealth off, so why claiming for social assistance?)

To be honest, I don't really mind any of those,they are all the past. What happened in the past is just the past. What saddens me so much is that he didn't admit any of that, which means he doesn't trust me. 

Thought?


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## NutritionFacts (Oct 24, 2012)

Tuff,

If I was you, I would be hightailing it out of there... and quick. Don't be blinded by your emotions.

He has lied in EVERY category:

Love
Finance
Family
Home
Safety

For goodness sakes, this guy could be an axe murderer for all you know! He hasn't been honest about ONE thing!! How will you ever trust him in the future?


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

tuff1 said:


> Thor, agree with you. That's why I'm still thinking to myself: do I love him enough to look pass all those secrets and lies.
> 
> tm84, thanks for your bang-on questions, here are what I found in his belongings:
> - Marriage certificate (he said he's never married)
> ...


Wow, to me, there are a LOT of red flags in what you found in his belongings. For some reason, he has lied about and denied having been married, where he was born, what his "real" name is, disability checks when he claims to have had a welthy family (it doesn't mean that he is wealthy, just his family). Did he mention having a job accident at all? Does he work? Do you know if he has legal citizenship in Canada? It's possible that the information that you found is bound up in his wanting to emigrate, but it still looks shady to me.

On the surface, yes, the act of him not being upfront about past issues is something to consider on the trust front. However, from the nature of what you've posted about what you've found, I think that there is a lot more to be considered before going all the way to marriage. 

Now, the question is: "who is it that you are about to marry?" To me, unless he comes clean about some of those questions that you have about his past, then you might have to think long and hard about marrying this person.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

tuff1 said:


> do I love him enough to look pass all those secrets and lies.
> 
> - Marriage certificate (*he said he's never married*)
> - *Name change certificate *(he said he was born with the name he currently bears)
> ...


Uh, excuse me ... HE doesn't trust YOU??? My dear lady, this man has fabricated his background, not to mention he is also guilty of stealing and assault! 

I doubt he has a new identity because he's a secret agent. You need to wake up and smell the coffee. Now. Regardless of whether or not this is in the past, HE LIED TO YOU ABOUT MAJOR THINGS THAT OCCURRED IN HIS LIFE.

I would have made copies of all the stuff, then shoved his azz out the door ASAP.

He's turning the tables on you and blame-shifting. You marry this man, you are in for big problems. I fail to see what there is to love about a serial liar. Really.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Sounds like you have had a lucky save with this one. Don't waste your life on him, run and fast.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Holland said:


> Sounds like you have had a lucky save with this one. Don't waste your life on him, run and fast.


this! ...and be careful!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

If he's going to lie about that, what ELSE will this "amazing" man lie about?


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## tuff1 (Oct 23, 2012)

Thanks everyone for very quick response to this. I really need outside opinions on this. 
I know I should be hightailing, and I did. Upon discovering all those secrets, I didn't want anything to do with the person. I even was concerned of my own safety. So I went "awol" for 2 months. Then he contacted me saying he's moving away. 
I came to say goodbye and spent the last few days together. He said I was his everything, and that he lost everything when I broke up with him.
Why am I hang up on getting involved with him still? Because I bind myself to the mindset of not being judgmental, and have a kind soul. Instead of jumping to conclusion and abandon the bad, I would make myself think and try to understand where the person comes from,why he does what he's done. There might be a reason that somehow one could learn to tolerate.
But the fact that someone lied to me just makes me feel stoopid. Yes, it was my mistake that I didn't make copies of take photos of those documents. I am now researching what kind of personal information you could collect from legitimate sources, so I could use that to confront with him. 
What I'm trying to get at is, I'm gathering as much evidence as I could (any advice on this is greatly appreciated), then talk to him. Let him explain his side of the story. Then make the decision.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

tuff1 said:


> Thanks everyone for very quick response to this. I really need outside opinions on this.
> I know I should be hightailing, and I did. Upon discovering all those secrets, I didn't want anything to do with the person. I even was concerned of my own safety. So I went "awol" for 2 months. Then he contacted me saying he's moving away.
> I came to say goodbye and spent the last few days together. He said I was his everything, and that he lost everything when I broke up with him.
> *Why am I hang up on getting involved with him still? Because I bind myself to the mindset of not being judgmental, and have a kind soul.* Instead of jumping to conclusion and abandon the bad, I would make myself think and try to understand where the person comes from,why he does what he's done. There might be a reason that somehow one could learn to tolerate.
> ...


Maybe you need to look at how you value yourself. Yes being a kind soul and not being judgemental are fabulous qualities but if you have a low value of yourself and what you are worth then you will be walked all over by this man (and others).

He has lied to you, he has a past that would not be acceptable to someone that values honesty and integrity. Why waste any more time on him, he will just make up more stories and in the end you will be ruined by him.

Please take the energy you are going to use to investigate him and use that energy on yourself. Learn more about yourself and your need to take this dead end relationship any further. What is missing from you that makes you want to pursue this man? 
Do some work on your self esteem.


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## tuff1 (Oct 23, 2012)

Holland, very profound. You struck right at my weak locus. I imagine my very best dear friend would say the same thing you did. Thank you so much!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I'm gathering as much evidence as I could (any advice on this is greatly appreciated), then talk to him. Let him explain his side of the story. Then make the decision.


WHY are you WASTING YOUR TIME trying to "gather evidence". You KNOW what you saw, you're not an idiot, you're not imagining it.

If he burnt it up, would that mean it wasn't true...just because you couldn't "PROVE" it? Of course not! Gathering evidence is just WASTED EFFORT because things ARE what they are.

Why let him explain? If he told you he was on a secret mission from the CIA, you'd believe him! If he told you he was from another planet or the second coming of Christ, you'd believe him. BECAUSE YOU WANT TO. Doesn't make it right. Doesn't make it logical. Your postings SHOW that you want to be perceived as CARING AND ACCEPTING at ALL COSTS...above EVERYTHING ELSE. That sounds VERY altruistic, but NOT VERY smart in the self-preservation category.

Serial rapists/killers prey on the fact that women in particular want to be "nice" and "understanding" and "kind". I'm NOT saying this guy is a rapist/killer; I *AM* saying that YOU are more concerned with other people's perceptions of you than you are about your own intelligence, well-being, common sense. WHY IS THAT?

He has LIED about EVERYTHING. WHY would his 'love' for you be anything more than another LIE...another elaborate charade? You deserve to be LOVED FOR REAL by a REAL man - not some fake-azz LOSER with serious mental/emotional problems.

1.) DUMP this LOSER N-O-W.
2.) Get into Individual Counseling NOW (seriously, next week at the latest) and find out WHY other people's opinions of you MATTER TO YOU SO MUCH, TOO MUCH.
3.) Do NOT get into another SERIOUS relationship until you have been in therapy AT LEAST 6 months. I KNOW that YOU will see YOURSELF in a whole new light, and you will be much more ready for a WONDERFUL relationship with someone who deserves you.

Good luck, tuff1.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

Don't walk. Run.


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## rjp1969 (Oct 18, 2012)

abandonmentissues said:


> Don't walk. Run.


Run ? Borrow the fastest car you can. 

Being there sounds dengerous. Now, I know there can be a 'frisson' of excitement at danger, but this man is dangerous to you. If he is willing to lie so much, then what else can he do, or might he have done ?

How about taking out credit cards, loans, etc in your name ? He knows a lot about you, all the info he needs is probably to hand.

He may even be in the country illegally. You should really be talking to the authorities about it. After all, if he has criminal convictions, and was born in another country, he may be on a deportation list. In which case, you might be on the hook there, too.
His entire life is built on lies. And you're next.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I'm with everyone else here. Thank your lucky stars and RUN!

Also, keep tabs on your credit report in the future. Someone like this wouldn't hesitate to steal your identity and run up bills.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

"Because I bind myself to the mindset of not being judgmental"

I hate when people say don't judge others.....we all need to place judgements for our own good. Evidence of bad behaviors always demands that we make decisions by judging what we have learned.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

He's a criminal.
You dont' need more evidence when your not married.
Do criminals make good husbands and fathers?
Run, please.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why do you want to marry this guy?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Tuff1,

You say he's an amazing man. I'm going to play devil's advocate. He's a man who makes you feel amazing RIGHT NOW. Relationships going into marriage have 2 phases. Short term and long term. Long term is MUCH more important than short term. So let's break this down.

1. Would an Amazing man lie about being married before. (PS are there kids from that marriage as in did he just walk away and disappear...you won't ever know this by the way but I wouldn't be surprised)
2. Would an amazing man CHANGE HIS IDENTITY? Uhmmm look at question 1 and ask yourself if the two issues MIGHT be linked. Do you want to be married with kids to a man who can LITERALLY up and disappear and change his identity?
3. Would an amazing man lie about his finances to the woman who's going to share them with him? There are one of two options for him with lieing...1. keep lieing and keep you in the dark 2. come clean and then you don't REALLY know what your financial situation will be
4. Would an amazing man be a thief? The assault charge can be dismissed (as long as it's only ONE) a good man can end up in a fight. If it's MULTIPLE assaults then no, but a THIEF?
5. Would an amazing man cheat the system (see thief reference) or again lie about his TRUE finances.

I'm sorry to say but you got romanced by a con man. Of course he's going to SEEM to be an amazing man to you because you're basing this on how he treats you. But don't judge a husband only by how he treats you, but just as important, what household is he establishing for you. What kind of life is he setting you up for? Those are just as important and are the long term thoughts of a marriage.

You can't trust him. Even if he comes perfectly clean with some REALLY embarrassing story that tugs at your heart strings and makes him seem EVEN MORE genuine and amazing....he's not. You can't trust his words ONE BIT. Trust his actions and the content of his character.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

tuff1 said:


> - Some court files for *assault* and shop-lifting (this made me very sad)


That made you sad? It should have frightened the [email protected] out of you! 

This person is NOT who he says he is at all. He's hiding from his real life. I would get out of this relationship if it were me. JMO.


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## Desperate_Housewife (Oct 15, 2012)

"Run, Forest, Run!"


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

What could this guy possibly say to you to convince you to stay with him???

What could he possibly say that you would even believe, based on everything you saw???

If he said he was a spy and that info was his cover, would you believe him?

If he said those things were in his past and he's a changed man, would you believe him?

How could you EVER believe another thing he said to you?


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

You love a lie. Everything about this man is a lie. Everything you ever thought you knew - a lie. Get out or you'll be very very sorry. He could be on the run.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

tuff1 said:


> Thor, agree with you. That's why I'm still thinking to myself: do I love him enough to look pass all those secrets and lies.
> 
> tm84, thanks for your bang-on questions, here are what I found in his belongings:
> - Marriage certificate (he said he's never married)
> ...


This sounds to me like someone who is on the run from the law.


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## tuff1 (Oct 23, 2012)

Thank Dad&Hubby and Christ Taylor for your thoughts/advices, very useful. Appreciate it.

Other posters who seems too hyper: guys, please! I already had too much on my plates. If you are able to offer useful advice and solutions in a friendly manner, by all means. Otherwise, please keep your negative opinions to yourself. Thanks!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I hope you take care of yourself. I can only imagine what you must be going through! I don't know how much useful info I have, but depending on your personal values, one thing you *could* do if you wanted to is take a drinking glass he used or something else that would have his prints on it to the state police or FBI and ask them to run them through the NCIC database. 

I think it could let you know what you're really dealing with, although it could also mean he goes to prison for a very long time.

Alternately, if you can remember his other name and details like that, you could do some investigating.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

tuff1 said:


> thor, agree with you. That's why i'm still thinking to myself: Do i love him enough to look pass all those secrets and lies.
> 
> Tm84, thanks for your bang-on questions, here are what i found in his belongings:
> - marriage certificate (he said he's never married)
> ...


RUN fast!!!!!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

tuff1 said:


> Thank Dad&Hubby and Christ Taylor for your thoughts/advices, very useful. Appreciate it.
> 
> Other posters who seems too hyper: guys, please! I already had too much on my plates. If you are able to offer useful advice and solutions in a friendly manner, by all means. Otherwise, please keep your negative opinions to yourself. Thanks!


Tuff1 just take the advice and go with it, people here are concerned for you.

I really wish you all the best with this, there is a far better life out there for you. Believe in yourself and know that you deserve so much more.


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## Sean B (Aug 13, 2012)

tuff1 said:


> Thor, agree with you. That's why I'm still thinking to myself: do I love him enough to look pass all those secrets and lies.
> 
> tm84, thanks for your bang-on questions, here are what I found in his belongings:
> - Marriage certificate (he said he's never married)
> ...


Just a thought, could he be spy? A la Mr. Smith?

Getting back to reality though, there are just too many red flags. Don't look back, run! Protect yourself. He seems to be involved in something. I hope to goodness I'm wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

That's crazy - he had to change his identity for some reason whether it's witness protection, fraud or criminal activities.

You'd be willing to forgive ALL of that if he had trusted you with it??? The past is NOT the past - if he was involved in fraud or criminal activities he may ALWAYS have to look over his shoulder.

How would you like to live on the run or in constant fear?

I would shrug it off as unimportant to him to avoid his suspicion, but GTFO - NOW. In fact, I'd contact your local law enforcement and lay it all on the table. You may find out a LOT more than what you have so far.


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## rjp1969 (Oct 18, 2012)

Oh, be VERY careful. If he is wanted by any authorities, and if you threaten to expose him, you could find yourself at immediate risk of harm. 

I'll repeat it again. 

GET OUT NOW. Not tomorrow. Not when he's thought up some other BS excuse. Not when he's decided that he's got to go to see some aunt/uncle/cousin, and needs to borrow some money for the flight. Not in a few hours. NOW


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Here's another concern: It sounds like he probably has mountains of debt, too. Some will be legit, like the kind that, if you marry him, you will at the worst be liable for (while he skips town), or at best, you will be dealing with collectors harassing you 24/7.

Then there is the OTHER kind of debt, which, given his shady past, will not involve repo men and collectors on the phone-I mean the kind of debt where two thugs will be waiting for him in the parking lot...


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

tuff1 said:


> Thor, agree with you. That's why I'm still thinking to myself: do I love him enough to look pass all those secrets and lies.
> 
> tm84, thanks for your bang-on questions, here are what I found in his belongings:
> - Marriage certificate (he said he's never married)
> ...


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Umm...he sounds like a con man. I read through what you found and *I* got scared!

Remember, actions speak louder than words. I would not even tolerate it if ANYONE close to me lied about things that important...especially not if he was my fiance.

Protect yourself and run!


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## tuff1 (Oct 23, 2012)

F-102 said:


> Here's another concern: It sounds like he probably has mountains of debt, too. Some will be legit, like the kind that, if you marry him, you will at the worst be liable for (while he skips town), or at best, you will be dealing with collectors harassing you 24/7.
> 
> Then there is the OTHER kind of debt, which, given his shady past, will not involve repo men and collectors on the phone-I mean the kind of debt where two thugs will be waiting for him in the parking lot...


opinions like these are helpful. Thank you for responding!


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