# Infidelity what now



## Jellybean2123 (Dec 17, 2019)

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, we have 2 young children together and just fell into a routine. Sadly, we lost our way only talked to each other when necessary and found ourselves dreading seeing each other because we always argued. Arguments were pretty basic but we thought gluing it with sex was easier than working through our problems and actually changing. 2 weeks ago I discovered he was unfaithful with a coworker. I didn’t realize she was a coworker, but I did notice he fell for her. She shares his interests naturally and is a broken girl with a bad past that made her see him as her hero, a man that can rescue her and her children from previous relationships. According to her, the only men she slept with was her 2 baby daddies, even though she slept with my husband the day they met. I come with a more colorful background which took him time to accept. She’s everything he looks for and I’ve mentioned it to him but he insists he loves me and wants to be with me. But sadly he cares for her and wants her in his life. I mentioned he can’t have both so he chose me and to work on our marriage but he’s miserable. He misses her and it’s killing me because I feel so alone and unloved even though he repeatedly tells me I’m the love of his life. However I know she has made him feel things I never was able to and I don’t know what to do.


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Look up and read about limerance. This is where he is. Stop apologizing for your background--he MARRIED you. Have you cheated on him? 

Do not compare an affair partner (with two baby daddies) to a wife. It is not your fault he cheated period. He knew where he was going when he first strayed and so did she. How long has this gone on? You have his children in common. If you still want him, fight for him. Otherwise, let him go.

How did you find out about his infidelity? BTW: he deserves to be miserable--it is called consequences.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Jellybean2123 said:


> I come with a more colorful background which took him time to accept.


It must have been colorful for you to accept your present situation with this man.

Colorful...

It can mean many things.

A large number of partners?
You worked in a strip club?
Participated in group sex?
You were a sex worker...of some sort?

If this is all behind you, it matters less now, if you have remained faithful.

I think at some point you will need to move on from him.
It will require giving back to yourself, the value you feel you lack, and apparently self-discarded.

Everyone has value. 
Find yours.


Lilith-


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If she had sex with a married man on the first day, she will have definitely had sex with many more men than the 2 baby daddies. 

In your position I would demand that he looks for another job.


----------



## Jellybean2123 (Dec 17, 2019)

I meant colorful as... I slept with 4 guys while in high school. We are high school sweet hearts. He always claimed to want a virgin but we married because we fell in love. I’m fighting for him because I love him but I feel so lost knowing that he’s longing to spend time with her.


----------



## Jellybean2123 (Dec 17, 2019)

I have remained 100% faithful since we began, never gave him any reason to doubt me being faithful.


----------



## Jellybean2123 (Dec 17, 2019)

I found out about the cheating last week, it lasted a week. She recently started at his job seasonally. He’s a UPS driver and she was assigned as his helper. On a Saturday he claimed to be going out for a few drinks with some coworkers, he didn’t come home until 6 AM. When I realized, I went through his phone and saw all the messages. This girl was already talking about marrying him and him providing for her and her kids. I separated from him and he broke it off with her but now misses her.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Is she still his "helper" or was she transferred to another driver? Do they see each other daily?

He doesn't miss her. He misses the feelings she brought about in him. He is missing the fantasy life of being the hero. Do not try to get him to pick you. He is the one who strayed. It is him who should be trying to get you to pick him.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

This is not likely to have the ending you want. He will say he wants to reconnect with you but he will likely falter. The little head is running the show right now. How do you want to proceed? Do you want to be involved in a long period of worry and sorrow or would you rather cut your losses now? Ball is in your court.


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

He strayed because he wanted too. He misses her because she is the opportunity he was looking for. Don't fool yourself that this just magically happened. He was all for it. File for divorce and get your kids the support from their dad that they need. I can't believe he fell for this needy OW. She just wants a fool to care for her kids. Hell no, your kids need their dad's love and support. You need to let this fool go. He opened the door when he didn't nip this stupidity in the bud.

He is a royal fool!!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jellybean2123 said:


> I meant colorful as... I slept with 4 guys while in high school. We are high school sweet hearts. He always claimed to want a virgin but we married because we fell in love. I’m fighting for him because I love him but I feel so lost knowing that he’s longing to spend time with her.


It's not unusual for a person to pine over an affair partner when they end an affair. It will pass with time.

How long were the in an affair?

There is a good book that gives advice about what to do after an affair: "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. 

Is your husband still working with this woman? If so he needs to find a new job. He cannot have any future contact with her. Your marriage cannot really go forward if they are still working together.

What is he doing to help you get over what he's done?


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Were you his first? Maybe he was ripe because he wanted to sample other goods--using you as an excuse. If he slept with her on the day they met, he was looking and so was she. Do you really know she was his first indiscretion?

Be strong! If he wants you, he should show remorse, respect, and some semblance of character. If he plans to rescue her and her kids, who does he want to rescue you and your kids? What a great example he is for them.

What do you mean by you did notice he fell for her? What do you mean she is everything he looks for? Did he tell you this? It sounds like he is openly grieving for her and how much he misses her--how heinous. After one week together? He must be superficial to carry on like this. "I know she has made him feel things I never was able to," how do you know this?? It is a blow to be treated like this. Maybe he is not such a prize after all, but a habit.

Find some gumption and value yourself. AGAIN, this is not your fault. Marriage problems are 50/50 and work on them should be too. Cheating is 100% on HIM.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Never love someone enough to allow them to abuse you. That is the kind of love that will only make you miserable and taken advantaged of.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This other women is not the threat.

Your husband holds that title. At least when it comes to your welfare.

The old, 'birds of a feather' notion, comes to mind.

She slept with him on their first date or meeting?
Uh, so did he! I see no difference.

The OW is desperate for someone to take her under their wing, what is your husband's excuse?

He is flaky, not husband material. 
He needs to grow up, not to splinter apart.

I suspect he often rubbed your prior love affairs in your face, and made you feel unworthy.
You were very young. This is all part of growing up.

What a knucklehead he is.

Divorce.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> If she had sex with a married men on the first day, she will have definitely had sex with many more men than the 2 baby daddies.
> 
> In your position I would demand that he looks for another job.


*If you even remotely think that you can keep him from seeing a gal that he lasciviously nailed on Day One, I'll sell you the Sidney Sherman Bridge in Houston for 50 cents!

And I'll even do you better by throwing in a complimentary collar and leash along with a jumbo box of condoms!*


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Jellybean2123 said:


> I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, we have 2 young children together
> 
> 2 weeks ago I discovered he was unfaithful with a coworker.
> 
> ...


Are you the love of his life? Because, from what I see, he dropped a nuke on your marriage and family to have sex with someone he knew a grand total of less than a day. Wrap your mind around that. He betrayed your vows and knowingly risked losing you for someone he didn't even know.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jellybean2123 said:


> I meant colorful as... I slept with 4 guys while in high school. We are high school sweet hearts. He always claimed to want a virgin but we married because we fell in love. I’m fighting for him because I love him but I feel so lost knowing that he’s longing to spend time with her.


You're "fighting" for some louse who shamed you for not being a virgin when you started dating, and acted as though he was willing to settle for your non-virgin status because he 'fell in love' with you. Gosh and golly, how *BIG* of him.

And now, he's acting like an even bigger louse moping over the fact that he's stuck with _you_ but his little heart is pining away for the woman he claims is looser than Pass Around Patty and had sex with him right after meeting him. 

Look OP. It's highly unlikely that he he only had sex with this woman ONE time. That's just the *standard lie *a cheater tells you when you find out they've cheated on you. They always say it was only "one time." It's MUCH more likely these two have had a full blown affair going on for who knows HOW long. But he's a liar and a cheater and THAT means you're getting - *as usual *- the white-washed, diminished story of what really happened. For the record, I wouldn't believe a thing out of his lying mouth about her being so desperate that she had sex with him the first day she met him. But even if she actually DID, do you honestly believe Don Juan is such a stand-up guy that he never went back for *more* and instead, has spent every day since that time innocently taking her to the malt shop to share a milkshake and to stare into each other's eyes? 

Please, STOP doing the "pick me!" dance, trying so hard and jumping around like a trained seal hoping to 'win back' his love. There is NO dignity in that at *all*.

Personally, I'd cut his ass loose so fast I'd have to FedEx his shadow to him the next day. NEVER allow yourself to be _anyone's_ option - *especially* after they've disrespected you to your core like this louse has done. And that's what you're doing - allowing yourself to be some lying cheater's OPTION.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

*"Personally, I'd cut his ass loose so fast I'd have to FedEx his shadow to him the next day."* LOL - gem of the week.

If fighting for him means to bag up his crap and send him to her, then, yeah, fight for your marriage. Nothing brings a person to their senses faster than a dose of reality. 

Let him wonder how many guys she'll be banging on her routes every day. 

Let him play step-daddy to two other men's kids.

Let him figure out how he's going to support two households.

Let him wonder who'll be warming *your* sheets. 

Even if you don't throw him out, tell him there will be no moping for this woman under your roof as you're not his therapist nor his mommy. 

Tell him you're going to be considering your options and start the 180. 

But, first, consider if you want to stay married to a guy who is so selfish that he thinks he has a right to mope for another woman in front of you.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Jellybean2123 said:


> I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, we have 2 young children together and just fell into a routine. Sadly, we lost our way only talked to each other when necessary and found ourselves dreading seeing each other because we always argued. Arguments were pretty basic but we thought gluing it with sex was easier than working through our problems and actually changing. 2 weeks ago I discovered he was unfaithful with a coworker. I didn’t realize she was a coworker, but I did notice he fell for her. She shares his interests naturally and is a broken girl with a bad past that made her see him as her hero, a man that can rescue her and her children from previous relationships. According to her, the only men she slept with was her 2 baby daddies, even though she slept with my husband the day they met. I come with a more colorful background which took him time to accept. She’s everything he looks for and I’ve mentioned it to him but he insists he loves me and wants to be with me. But sadly he cares for her and wants her in his life. I mentioned he can’t have both so he chose me and to work on our marriage but he’s miserable. He misses her and it’s killing me because I feel so alone and unloved even though he repeatedly tells me I’m the love of his life. However I know she has made him feel things I never was able to and I don’t know what to do.


Well, your husband is and was a liar. If he accepted your background it wouldn't still be an issue. If he loved you he wouldn't make it obvious that he wants this other woman.

He doesn't want to be divorced, which is completely different than wanting to work on and stay married.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Was your husband a virgin when you met him?

When you say she makes him feel things that you haven't been able to, what does this mean?

It kinda looks like she brings out the Knight in Shining Armor tendency in him. There are plenty of damsels in distress so if this is his kick, you're in for a rough ride.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Jellybean2123 said:


> I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, we have 2 young children together and just fell into a routine. Sadly, we lost our way only talked to each other when necessary and found ourselves dreading seeing each other because we always argued. Arguments were pretty basic but we thought gluing it with sex was easier than working through our problems and actually changing. 2 weeks ago I discovered he was unfaithful with a coworker. I didn’t realize she was a coworker, but I did notice he fell for her. She shares his interests naturally and is a broken girl with a bad past that made her see him as her hero, a man that can rescue her and her children from previous relationships. According to her, the only men she slept with was her 2 baby daddies, even though she slept with my husband the day they met. I come with a more colorful background which took him time to accept. She’s everything he looks for and I’ve mentioned it to him but he insists he loves me and wants to be with me. But sadly he cares for her and wants her in his life. I mentioned he can’t have both so he chose me and to work on our marriage but he’s miserable. He misses her and it’s killing me because I feel so alone and unloved even though he repeatedly tells me I’m the love of his life. However I know she has made him feel things I never was able to and I don’t know what to do.


He's in the affair fog.

I highly suggest you use his current state of delusion to your advantage - by making it easy for him to be with her, and sign a very fair (to you) settlement to release him to follow his "heart."

By the time the fog lifts, you'll be long gone and happier for it.


----------



## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

First of all, sleeping with 4 people in high school (assuming your count is 4 or 5 depending on if you counted your husband), you are FAR from a person with a "colorful" past. Body count doesn't even matter, and its childish for him to even discuss that. He needs to grow up. 

At the end of the day, your husband strayed from "the love of his life" after knowing someone for a freaking week. You mentioned he hopped into bed on day one? No ma'am. That is trash and you deserve so much better. You can choose to reconcile, but this kind of in the moment behavior should be far more alarming than an affair that happened over time. He saw something shiny and has the audacity to tell you he misses her/longs for her? Dump his sorry ass, collect your child support, and find yourself an actual partner in life. 

Seriously, how dare he express missing her? He should be drowning in shame and begging for forgiveness, not acting like you are some sort of concession choice. He will do this again.


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Yes to he will do this again indeed.

Have you thrown his moping arse out yet? You really need too and file for divorce ASAP so that he doesn't give what belongs to his kids to other men's children because he is smitten with the easy and sleazy momma!

You deserve way better that you are settling for with this fool. Please dump him like dead weight. He is dead weight you know. He will drown you and your kids with him if you don't get out of his miserable life. He is heading for the dumps. Don't follow him.


----------



## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

moulinyx said:


> First of all, sleeping with 4 people in high school (assuming your count is 4 or 5 depending on if you counted your husband), you are FAR from a person with a "colorful" past. Body count doesn't even matter, and its childish for him to even discuss that. He needs to grow up.


Yup - that is far from a 'colorful' past. Don't buy in to that crap.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I have moved your thread to the infidelity forum on TAM


----------



## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

You are both really innocent to believe a woman who has 2 kids from different men amd sleeps with a married man the first day has had less than 10 sexual partners.

Just no.


----------



## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

moon7 said:


> You are both really innocent to believe a woman who has 2 kids from different men amd sleeps with a married man the first day has had less than 10 sexual partners.
> 
> Just no.


^^^. QFT

Get tested for STDs. Something tells me that if he would drop his drawers so fast, this isn’t his first rodeo either.
You may have a serial cheater on your hands.

Pining for her IN FRONT OF YOU?

Oh, HELL no.

Call a lawyer.


----------



## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> *"Personally, I'd cut his ass loose so fast I'd have to FedEx his shadow to him the next day."* LOL - gem of the week.


IKR? Thats a keeper!


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

It has already been said, you know what you should do. He doesn't love you anymore. And don't give him credit for anything. He's just another emotional drainer, don't let him do this to you and your children. FO is what is due him. And make him pay for it, his character flaw was always with him. You seen it in the past but just turned your head when you saw it. Thinking of his so called good things about him.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

moon7 said:


> You are both really innocent to believe a woman who has 2 kids from different men amd sleeps with a married man the first day has had less than 10 sexual partners.
> 
> Just no.


Yes it's the downfall of men.
We think the woman we are with is somehow different.
It's "Idealistic Love" It's a blessing and a curse.
It's a male problem that's started wars and ended civilizations.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

StillSearching said:


> Yes it's the downfall of men.
> *We think the woman we are with is somehow different.*
> It's "Idealistic Love" It's a blessing and a curse.
> It's a male problem that's started wars and ended civilizations.


Except she wasn't "the woman he was with". She was a woman who screwed him the first day. Nothing wrong with that, but you'd have to be a flaming moron to think the chick who has two kids with two Baby Daddies that gets down the first day is some shrinking violet with few partners.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

MJJEAN said:


> Except she wasn't "the woman he was with". She was a woman who screwed him the first day. Nothing wrong with that, but you'd have to be a flaming moron to think the chick who has two kids with two Baby Daddies that gets down the first day is some shrinking violet with few partners.



Sadly, a lot of guys are "flaming morons" when it comes to women. I think that's why so many guys get manipulated by women.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Sadly, a lot of guys are "flaming morons" when it comes to women. I think that's why so many guys get manipulated by women.


Must be the same extreme suspension of disbelief that allows them to watch certain popular franchise movies without wanting the blood of the writers, directors, and producers.


----------



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

StillSearching said:


> Yes it's the downfall of men.
> 
> We think the woman we are with is somehow different.
> 
> ...



Very true.... The trick would be how to help men (or women, I have heard the idolize their husbands too BTW) to get to see that while they are in it.... It's hard to convince them that their spouse isn't their special made person


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

CantBelieveThis said:


> Very true.... The trick would be how to help men (*or women, I have heard the idolize their husbands too BTW*) to get to see that while they are in it.... It's hard to convince them that their spouse isn't their special made person


Not in the same way at all.
Idealistic love presents itself to only males. Like penises do..

Well if they're christian there's "There are no marriages in heaven" - Jesus.
If they're just blinded, I bequeath to them "The Rational Male".


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Looks like the OP has left the building.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Sadly, a lot of guys are "flaming morons" when it comes to women. I think that's why so many guys get manipulated by women.


Oh PLuuuuzzzzz! Where is the accountability? Men just make a choice to think with the wrong head!


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Closing thread due to OP inactivity.
@Jellybean2123 please contact a Moderator f you ever return and would like to have your thread re opened.


----------

