# About to cheat, divorce?...in panic mode please help.



## yarrow (Jul 25, 2010)

I have been married 8 years to the most moral upstanding doting, giving man. We go married after only a couple of months of dating. We have hardly had sex since we met. We both claim we are fine with this but deep down I am not. It was fine for a while but now I am craving intimacy. The problem is that I have not and will never be attracted to my husband. I know I shouldn't have married him but he was so amazing in every other way when I met him and sex has never been that important to me that I thought it wouldn't matter. After 8 years I am now attracted to so many men. I can't stop thinking about how badly I want to be touched and feel wanted. 

The other issues include:
he is a downer, very blah, often pessimistic, negative,etc. He has tried counselling and two weeks ago started taking antidepressants and I believe although that may prevent the major lows I don't think it will solve his apathetic personality.

He also gets very stressed, anxious, etc. and I am tired of dealing with it and the thought of another 50 years of this. We have separate social lives as I don't want him to come out as he is such a downer and I am embaressed. I spend the entire time worrying if he is happy or not. I just want to not be on edge.

When he goes away to visit family, I enjoy having the house to myself so much as when he is home he just watches tv and plays video games. I detest both and wish we didn't even have a tv. 

Summary of the other issues;
he is materialistic and I am the opposite
he is no longer spiritual. When we first married that was one of the things that bonded us but now he has totally lost that and for me it is very important. 
he isn't as smart as I would like someone to be...cringe when he says some things

There are more things but I will leave it at that. 

Summary of his positives:
most moral person I have ever met
most selfless, giving person (but to a fault where he doesn't respect himself to take care of himself) I constantly have to coach him to get what he deserves in life 
most loyal, trustworthy person
an amazing listener and support person
allows me as much freedom as I want
believes women are equal
does not expect me to cook, clean, anything
dotes on me (tea and breakfast in bed every morning)
we are both very introverted so we are compatible 
we rarely fight but bicker quite a bit 
OVERALL a very good person but I am not learning, growing and evolving in this relationship which I truly need to be doing in life. 

So that is my dilemma - a super, amazing good friend for a husband who I could stay with forever and be "fine" even "good" but always lacking and wishing things were different.

I however was not seriously considering separating until a few days ago when I met someone. Nothing happened that day but I am seeing him tomorrow...I am racked with guilt but still going to meet him. 

If I leave my husband I dont want it to be because of another man, I want it to be because I need to do it for myself. I am struggling with how I determine this.

Please provide me with words of wisdom. Thank you in advance.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

yarrow said:


> If I leave my husband I dont want it to be because of another man, I want it to be because I need to do it for myself. I am struggling with how I determine this.


You have already left. No papers have been signed but you've basically packed your bags. I dont think you have anything to be guilty about. This is your life. You're not living it to prove yourself to anyone else. You are meant to be happy. I dont think forcing yourself to stay with your H is the best idea. 

I only worry that you will find dysfunction and unhappiness where ever you go. Im not sure that is the case for you, but it's something to be cautious about. You've attracted a very dysfunctional man and that means you have to also be equally dysfunctional- even if in the opposite direction. Sex, flirting, and attraction are a fantastic high, but what goes up must come down. be careful.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Hmmm another post that should be mandatory reading for any man foolish enough to consider getting married. This here is what is called an emotional affair, and I think this is where you come up with all kinds of rationalizations of why this is acceptable. Gee let me guess I bet you hope you can stay friends...Id love to be friends with my x and take her hunting, she can be the deer. She the the affair thing to and let me tell ya I just love her.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

You are about to or have started in an affair. STOP, sort your marriage out or leave via the courts. The pain of the affair is just not worth it.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Some of the postivies about your soon to be affair man.

Trustworthy - *NO * he wants to have sex with you a married woman
Life long partner - *NO*
Kind of Man you want children with - *NO* unless you want them related to everyone else in the neighbourhood
Bring home to mom kind of guy - *NO* he will want to get into bed with her. 

I am sure you can add more

Spice your marriage up and get your other half to respond.

If you want to pose a queston on how to turn your marriage around and make it better than please do by all means post again. Even options for divorce can be covered


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## yarrow (Jul 25, 2010)

Thank u all for your thoughts...I left my husband two nights ago now and I KNOW it is the right decision. He is upset but accepting of it and understands all of my reasons. 

I know we will now be able to go forward and live happy lives on our own.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

your go through so many emotions ! its not easy making the choice you have made , wishing you a happy future


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Well you were pretty selfish I would say, and looking for justification will not make you less selfish, do him a favor and be truthful to him and let him find happiness with an honest woman.


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