# Aaaaahhhhhhh!!!



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Pain. Hurt. Betrayal. 

No words. 

For those that know my story the extravagant lengths to hide were going on. 

She's meeting the "ONS" guy on friday at a hotel 4 hours away until Saturday afternoon. Not sure how long it's been going on, don't care anymore. 

Someone please tell me it gets better. Please tell me I can get through this.


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

are you planning on stay together or are you done? also it doesnt matter how long it has been happening, all that matters is that it did happen. you change the past. and yes it does get better. it can only hurt you if you let it. you just have to decide if it is worth fixing or is it done.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

So the posters were right. She was still in the affair. I read your older thread. No wonder she is putting you through hell. Stay strong brother.

How did you find it out? And is yours a no-fault state?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> So the posters were right. She was still in the affair. I read your older thread. No wonder she is putting you through hell. Stay strong brother.
> 
> How did you find it out? And is yours a no-fault state?


Fb messages, talked to my lawyer, he said chating won't change the arrangements

just struggling to deal with the pain right now.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

Stop torturing yourself. Get out now. She clearly has been lying to you this whole time. She has no remorse...and apparently no intention to stop cheating.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Let her know you know. Ask her how fast she can get out. 180. And total darkness.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh and put the OM on cheaterville.com


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Let her know you know. Ask her how fast she can get out. 180. And total darkness.


It's my plan. Contact will be strictly kid business. Financial support will be 100 % limited to what is legally due. 

Just struggling with the pain. Don't understand how she could do this again. Also, she lied during R about what happened that night. 

Some ways i'm relieved because I know we are 100% done, but it still hurts. The gaslighting level was huge.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Oh and put the OM on cheaterville.com


He's single. Part wants to inform his unit, he's navy, but the other part thinks I just need to let it go, get my mind off it and just move on.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

COguy said:


> He's single. Part wants to inform his unit, he's navy, but the other part thinks I just need to let it go, get my mind off it and just move on.


I don't like that at all. He is a man with rules and responsibilities. Let him carry on his shoulders his own load. Do not let him just be the weasal that broke up your family, try to make fool of you and laugh and joke about you behind your back. Give him the incentive to straighten up.

Stand up for your family. The pain will go away but you will always remember what you should have done.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Time to get out, COguy. You've extended far too much hope toward what seems just a marriage that is richly based on deception and smoke and mirrors!

You deserve so much more out of life. Let her know that you know, then file your paperwork pronto! But most importantly, just keep your head up!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> Just struggling with the pain. Don't understand how she could do this again. Also, she lied during R about what happened that night.


So you found out more about what happened that night? I always had a feeling that you were having false R from your post.

And I agree with mori. Expose that weasel. If nothing, it will be a good incentive for him to change.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Also, let her family know. They seem to be the only ones who she listens to and respects. If I remember her background correctly, her parents will take an active role in this behavior. At the least, they will urge her to let you get through the divorce without turning it into a war.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Halien said:


> Also, let her family know. They seem to be the only ones who she listens to and respects. If I remember her background correctly, her parents will take an active role in this behavior. At the least, they will urge her to let you get through the divorce without turning it into a way.


I agree with this. 

I'm so sorry things have turned out this way for you COguy. Her behavior has pointed to this all along... that anger with you, that defensiveness... it totally makes sense.

You make her feel like sh*t, and she should. She's a liar. A very calculating, manipulative and sad individual. You deserve a hell of a lot more than what she's put you through.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry for your pain. It's better that you found out so now you know where her head is it--it will make moving on more real/and slightly easier. Yes, it still hurts but with the truth now, you can start to realize it's truly done and she is not the person you married/were in love with anymore.

Keep your head up. It gets better. Promise.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Coguy, it is the betrayal that truly hurts and it goes very deep. It reaches the deepest parts of our spirit and soul. You are going to need some new skills in order to manage your situation and get through it all in a very good way.

The biggest single thing I can recommend to you is Awareness by Anthony de Mello. The way he will help you is by teaching you how to DETACH EMOTIONALLY from your wife such that she doesn’t cause you any more pain. You are attached to her through your love for her and your ego and you need to learn how to get away from your ego such that you can help it heal and at the same time prevent her from causing you yet more wounds that you have to heal.

You will experience the most deep and painful emotions. Emotions such that you never thought possible in their depth and length of existence. If you don’t consider yourself an emotionally intelligent person then learn from people like Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence.


You have now started out on a very big transition in your life. There is no doubt that although it will be a bumpy and painful ride you will get through it.

Now is the time to go inside yourself and strengthen yourself. There is no need for you to speak of your wife to anyone except here, with a counsellor and your friends. If you do start throwing stones you can be pretty certain they’ll come back at you and cause you yet more wounds to heal and problems to solve.

The focus is on the inside of you and externally on your children. This is where your resources such as time, energy and money will reap the greatest benefits and dividends for both you and your children.


It’s your time for your inner journey (I hope you come to understand what I mean by that) to take care of, weed out and fertilise your inner garden and plant new seeds such that after this transition in your life you come out of it a peaceful and contented man.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

And of course boundaries, read up on boundaries.

The biggest thing with boundaries is that they are two way, incoming and out going. Incoming boundaries are obvious, but out going? An example of an out going boundary would be not “speaking ill of your wife” to her family because it’s greatly possible that action may well back fire on you.

Believe me it is far better to take the high ground and “hope” that your wife’s family can care for her because she’s so obviously in need of it. If they do that then you can focus on yourself and your children.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

COguy, I am beyond sorry about the layers of betrayal you keep having to sift through. I know you don't want to be anyone's object lesson, but I hope other readers of your threads will see WHY affairs are so horrible, and why verification is sometimes the only way to level the playing field with a master liar. The stringing along, the half-hearted attempts to reconcile, just enough to keep you in the relationship, but not enough to get YOU to file for D. Because they aren't ever going to be the ones to file; they are much too cowardly and narcissistic for that. All so that they can continue their cake-eating. Criminal, is what it all is.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

COguy said:


> Someone please tell me it gets better. Please tell me I can get through this.


It will get better, it takes time but there will be a day where you will care less what happens to her.

That usually happens once you start up another relationship and realize how much better other women are compared to her. It's hard to image now but you will be shocked when it does. 

She is going to crash and burn and one day regret doing this to you but that may be a year or so from now. Work on making yourself better for the next one and look to "trade up" so to speak. Of course any woman that hasn't lied or cheated on you would be an improvement.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Pack her clothes in garbage bags, when she is at the hotel knock on the door and leave them there. Tell her not to come back home.

Ans yes it does get better, just stay calm for the time being.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

COGuy, I'm so sorry you are going through so much pain. The only good thing to come from this added betrayal -- albeit mighty poor compensation for your pain -- is that you will not be second-guessing yourself throughout the remainder of the D process. You now know you are doing the right thing.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Halien said:


> Also, let her family know. They seem to be the only ones who she listens to and respects. If I remember her background correctly, her parents will take an active role in this behavior. At the least, they will urge her to let you get through the divorce without turning it into a war.


I'm going to take some time before I decide if I will let anyone know what's going on. I let her mother know what happened the last time and she stopped talking to her almost completely.

My neighbor, who is a good friend and also a counselor, said wisely, "It's hard to tell people, even if you have the best intentions, without looking like you are doing it for the wrong reasons. Also, for those that will find out, if they give her sound advice, she will probably replace them with more people that will give her poor advice."

I haven't made up my mind yet, I am just going to consider it carefully before I would do it. She's definitely not at the place right now where she would heed sound advice.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

Sad. I'm in R right now and I hope my wife is smart enough not to pull this crap because she'll be gone like McDonald's cheeseburgers that sat on the rack for 10 minutes too long.

Hate to say that but I'll never give a third chance, especially when they are supposed to be in R


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Sorry for your pain. It's better that you found out so now you know where her head is it--it will make moving on more real/and slightly easier. Yes, it still hurts but with the truth now, you can start to realize it's truly done and she is not the person you married/were in love with anymore.
> 
> Keep your head up. It gets better. Promise.


Like the first time, there are so many crazy circumstances that had to happen for me to find out what's going on. I know that God has played a part in revealing the truth to me. This has been very painful, but I agree, it is best that I found out. It brings me incredible pain and sorrow, such a major betrayal, but also peace about my actions.

The lights were dimming every night, she was telling me I was crazy. This was the repair man coming to my house and saying, "Oh wow, someone's been dimming these lights every night." Sad, but relieving.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

AFEH said:


> You will experience the most deep and painful emotions. Emotions such that you never thought possible in their depth and length of existence. If you don’t consider yourself an emotionally intelligent person then learn from people like Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence.
> 
> 
> You have now started out on a very big transition in your life. There is no doubt that although it will be a bumpy and painful ride you will get through it.
> ...


AFEH, your advice is spot on. People have been coming out of the woodworks to support me through this. They have been positive and encouraging. It's tough to deal with the actual pain right now. But I have such hope for the future. I know that I will look back on this time and be thankful for it. 

I was a soft jello mold of a man 1 year ago. Today I am made of flesh, strong but breakable. Tomorrow I will be a rock. I have learned incredible things about myself. My fears, my insecurities, my needs and desires. I have learned that I have an incredible capacity to love and show forgiveness and mercy. I have been put through the ringer, and yet I have learned that through all the BS, I am still able to trust in God, and keep my heart focused on loving others as I am loved.

I will have one hell of a story to tell in the future. But I will be an inspiration to many. I also know that I am a great person. Not said conceitfully, but I know the man that I am, I have been tested. Some day in the future I will meet a woman, and she will love me for the man that I am, and be grateful that I am in her life. And my experiences from this will allow me to be even more grateful that I found her, and I will appreciate her even more than if I had met her at 22 and married her first.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

COguy said:


> I'm going to take some time before I decide if I will let anyone know what's going on. I let her mother know what happened the last time and she stopped talking to her almost completely.
> 
> My neighbor, who is a good friend and also a counselor, said wisely, "It's hard to tell people, even if you have the best intentions, without looking like you are doing it for the wrong reasons. Also, for those that will find out, if they give her sound advice, she will probably replace them with more people that will give her poor advice."
> 
> I haven't made up my mind yet, I am just going to consider it carefully before I would do it. She's definitely not at the place right now where she would heed sound advice.


One of the reasons I do not advocate telling her family, work or whatever is that doing so may well bring more betrayal into your life.

In these situations there’s been more then enough deceits, lies, blame shifting, scapegoating, denials etc. by way of your wife without opening up the doors to your heart, spirit and soul to her family, friends and inviting in a whole lot more that will yet again wound you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Whats your plan now?

Good luck and prayers


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

COguy said:


> I'm going to take some time before I decide if I will let anyone know what's going on. I let her mother know what happened the last time and she stopped talking to her almost completely.
> 
> My neighbor, who is a good friend and also a counselor, said wisely, "It's hard to tell people, even if you have the best intentions, without looking like you are doing it for the wrong reasons. Also, for those that will find out, if they give her sound advice, she will probably replace them with more people that will give her poor advice."
> 
> I haven't made up my mind yet, I am just going to consider it carefully before I would do it. She's definitely not at the place right now where she would heed sound advice.


Sorry for the misunderstanding. I thought that she was hiding her actions, in part, from her parents because she feared their involvement.


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

Coguy, even though I dont know you, I feel your pain, brother. 
From your post, I can tell your heart is good and God is in your life. 
I am no holy roller at all but I feel like I have a message for you;

Romans 8:28

And we know that ALL THINGS work together for GOOD to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Not just the good things or things we like, but ALL THINGS work towards good and his master plan for us!!!!!
Rememeber that!! Bury it in your heart! His words dont lie and you know this. Even what we and the world see as horrible things like this happening to you right now, God has a divine purpose we cant see or imagine at the time. ALL THINGS (Yes, even this!!!!!) work together for GOOD!! Your father knows what you need and is in control with a plan even as I type this to you. 

Thank him for this happening because you KNOW there is something really great coming that he has in store for YOU!! Keep your eyes on him and not the storm. 

Sometimes the tree must be pruned to grow to its full potential. 

Hang in there!!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Whats your plan now?
> 
> Good luck and prayers


Undecided. I am praying constantly about what the right course of action is.

Legally it would be best for me to just not tell her anything and hire a PI to take pictures of her at the hotel.

But I feel like if I do that I will be doing it at the expense of my moral integrity. As a father and someone who cares, I want to let her know that I know, deflate her sails about the adventure of it and remind her that her children look up to her and she wants to be a positive role model to them.I feel like if I don't say anything I will have guilt about not providing an opportunity to stop it in the future.

If she still decides to do it, I'll hire the PI at that point.

If she decides to not go, I'll have a year of opportunity to catch her again if she decides she doesn't want to straighten up for the kids.


I have a meeting with the counselor tomorrow, I will strategize with her. We have a couples counseling session on thursday which we never cancelled and I asked her to attend with me, she said she will go, so that would be the time to confront.


She stayed up last night sending disgusting messages to this guy. The amount of lies of what she claimed to not remember but now suddenly does about their initial rendezvous at halloween disgusts me. After reading it, I see clearly she is a very nasty, ****ty woman. She is not the woman I married. She had sex in front of other people in a room filled with drugs on Halloween, she is talking about vile, vulgar things. The mother of my children...

I'm starting to question my decision to let her watch the kids during the week. I'm preparing my evidence in the case that I need to go for full custody and just give her visitation. My heart breaks for these kids, their mother is a horrible role model, and they love her so much.

I was in denial about her being a good mom. I guess I just believed she would always be one. But my mother has been saying since the affair that she thinks she will run away from the kids, and part of me now thinks she may be right. She is increasingly trying to pawn the kids on me so she can plan bad activities. In addition, she's staying up late every night talking to this guy and then having to wake up early every morning to watch the kids. How great of a job can she be doing if she's exhausted and thinking about men all day?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Halien said:


> Sorry for the misunderstanding. I thought that she was hiding her actions, in part, from her parents because she feared their involvement.


She's hiding it from as many people as possible. When I mentioned it to her mom, she stopped talking to her mom. Any of our friends that know, with the exception of her toxic friends, she has disassociated with.

To her close friends that don't know she is putting up the facade that she is doing great and that she's the victim in this. Her messages to this guy, while talking about disgusting vile things, include such gems as "I'm really a good person with a good heart." and "I just can't standdrama."


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Santa said:


> Coguy, even though I dont know you, I feel your pain, brother.
> From your post, I can tell your heart is good and God is in your life.
> I am no holy roller at all but I feel like I have a message for you;
> 
> ...


Thanks man. I feel exactly like this. Today I am so disgusted that I'm not even sad anymore.

I have been thanking god for this experience. I know it is hard but I feel like it will make me a better person. I was listening to "How Great Thou Art" this morning and I started crying. Through all this, I have seen God work in miraculous ways, I am thankful for what he has done for me, and my friends and family, and I consider myself lucky that I will be able to use such horrible experiences to inspire and encourage others.

The time will not be far when I remember this time in my life and say, "That was the time when my life began."


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

COguy said:


> After reading it, I see clearly she is a very nasty, ****ty woman. She is not the woman I married. She had sex in front of other people in a room filled with drugs on Halloween, she is talking about vile, vulgar things. The mother of my children...


She has sex in front of other people in a room filled with drugs--does she also use drugs? It's hard to picture someone doing that completely sober (for the first time, at least--but I guess stranger things have happened). Some of her behavior could be indicative of drug use. You do see her abandoning the children, which is psychologically something that very few women do. Perhaps she is struggling with some inner turmoil over the darkness that is descending on her--she doesn't feel worthy to be their mother (?).

You don't want to go the PI route--but look at the people that she is interacting with. You are fooling yourself if you think that these people won't somehow end up in your children's lives, as "friends" or "babysitters" at some point. There is nothing "high road" about fully investigating someone who might not be a fit mother--and I'm sorry if anyone disagrees, but attending drugged-out parties to have public sex really does infringe on parental fitness, IMO. That would be the ultimate in "do as I say, not as I do!"

I hope you are keeping a journal of all that she is saying / doing / has done. Things I thought I'd never forget are slipping from my mind as time goes on.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

COguy said:


> She stayed up last night sending disgusting messages to this guy. The amount of lies of what she claimed to not remember but now suddenly does about their initial rendezvous at halloween disgusts me. After reading it, I see clearly she is a very nasty, ****ty woman. She is not the woman I married. She had sex in front of other people in a room filled with drugs on Halloween, she is talking about vile, vulgar things. The mother of my children...


Disgusting. In front of other people? Drugs? Go nuclear. Kids don't need a psycho mom. The woman you married is dead. How are you saving your evidence?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Aww, $hi+. I am sorry you are going through this turmoil. Since you are religious let me offer a passage which has been a comfort to me (though I am not religious myself).

John 8:32 And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

COguy said:


> Undecided. I am praying constantly about what the right course of action is.
> 
> Legally it would be best for me to just not tell her anything and hire a PI to take pictures of her at the hotel.
> 
> ...


Your main job right now is to protect your kids at all costs. If that means getting a PI to get evidence of your wife's behavior, then you need to do it. If drug use is a possibility, you need to protect those kids. Not necessarily to the extent of the guy in Texas, but the same idea.

Do what you need to do to protect those kids!


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

So sorry for what you've been going through COguy. Stay strong and protect those kids at all costs. Building your evidence against your wife at this point is not about vengeance, it's about protecting your children from a toxic, unfit hazard.

I understand your moral conflict regarding vengeance, but you need to look at the perspective of what's best for your kids. As much as they love her, their perspective is that of innocence. You know the truth about her and the potential for damage she is capable of... so are you really comfortable leaving your kids up to a custody decision that may favor your wife? You are the more fit parent here, you need to fight for that custody for the sake of your children.

Be strong brother... Huge virtual man-hug to you.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> She has sex in front of other people in a room filled with drugs--does she also use drugs? It's hard to picture someone doing that completely sober (for the first time, at least--but I guess stranger things have happened). Some of her behavior could be indicative of drug use. You do see her abandoning the children, which is psychologically something that very few women do. Perhaps she is struggling with some inner turmoil over the darkness that is descending on her--she doesn't feel worthy to be their mother (?).
> 
> You don't want to go the PI route--but look at the people that she is interacting with. You are fooling yourself if you think that these people won't somehow end up in your children's lives, as "friends" or "babysitters" at some point. There is nothing "high road" about fully investigating someone who might not be a fit mother--and I'm sorry if anyone disagrees, but attending drugged-out parties to have public sex really does infringe on parental fitness, IMO. That would be the ultimate in "do as I say, not as I do!"
> 
> I hope you are keeping a journal of all that she is saying / doing / has done. Things I thought I'd never forget are slipping from my mind as time goes on.


Absolutely, everything is getting recorded at this point. Phone records, messages, FB posts with time stamps. I'll have a pretty good case with her psychological issues if I want full custody.

But again, as of now she is still a competent mother and the kids would die if they did not see their mother regularly. I had them over the weekend and by sunday my daughter was depressed. I have never seen her like that, it broke my heart.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

COguy said:


> Absolutely, everything is getting recorded at this point. Phone records, messages, FB posts with time stamps. I'll have a pretty good case with her psychological issues if I want full custody.
> 
> But again, as of now she is still a competent mother and the kids would die if they did not see their mother regularly. I had them over the weekend and by sunday my daughter was depressed. I have never seen her like that, it broke my heart.


Of course she is depressed. Her mother and father are splitting. That does not mean she will always be depressed when your wife is not around. Your children will learn to deal with this. Don't let that temporary feeling stop you from protecting your children, particularly in view of the longer term damage that could result from your wife's behaviors.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

COguy, I'm curious... how do you know your wife had sex in public (in front of people) at a party and there were drugs all around? Did she mention this stuff in her messages???


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Bottled Up said:


> COguy, I'm curious... how do you know your wife had sex in public (in front of people) at a party and there were drugs all around? Did she mention this stuff in her messages???


She told me someone walked in on her while they had sex. In the message she described people walking around in their underwear in the hotel they were in while doing it. Then the guy mentioned cocaine on the table, from the messages my wife was unaware of it until he pointed it out. It was clear they weren't doing it but still, it was there. They were reminiscing about the night, how much fun they had, all the inappropriate things they did before and after (which she swore she couldn't remember).

And to top it off, she's now messaging the other guy she had an EA with and setting up a meeting for them to hookup in another state. I love this woman. The icing on the cake from that message:

"Actually, I feel really great! A*t peace and strong! God is so good!* I am scared an heartbroken but I am ready to face life and raise my kids the best I can. A lot has happened since you and I talked. I am ready to find myself again, the old me!
"


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

This is horrible COguy, I'm really really sorry you have to be going through all of this. My heart goes out to you man.

You don't deserve this... A blessing awaits for you in the future I am sure of it. Stay strong.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Surprisingly I'm getting better and better real fast. I forgot to mention that sunday morning, a few hours before the sl*ttery started, I told her "if you want to talk to 'ea guy' and 'ons guy' I won't be surprised, just dont bring them around my kids." and she literally went psycho.

"I'm not going to be dating for years, that's the last thing on my mind. What kind of person do you think I am? I'm not some ***** who's going to go screw around? Why do you think I'm so horrible?"

And I replied "well if you did it married why wouldn't you do it single?"

And here we are lol.

At this point it's so comical. I have to remind myself we're dealing with a really broken person here, who is also the mother of my kids. She's still trying to keep the perfect mask on, the sh*t storm is coming real soon.......


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I'm glad you're choosing to confront her with this in front of the MC. You are going to need a witness when that goes down. I figure God's goodness is going to get called into question. For certain there's going to be a disturbance of the peace.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Meeting with counselor is in a few hours. Yesterday's meeting with just her and I went really well. I'm glad we got a chance. She told me that she was setting my wife up to get help and had to throw me under the bus a little to do it. Also, she was correct in confirming I didn't handle the situation well (trying to force her to not violate my boundaries instead of just providing the consequences).

Not sure what I've already said. As it stands now, her friend has been orchestrating this for a while, planting the seeds. Her friend is letting this ONS guy stay at her house so my wife can go over there and bang him real quick instead of having to drive to hook up. Meanwhile my wife is adamant she is happy, peaceful, finding herself, and that her and her friends aren't talking bad about me.

She was looking to try and find a third guy to add to her list of suitors as well, someone in our neighborhood.

I think everything in our life must have been a lie. It's crazy. How you can live with a person for 8 years and not really know them.

I've heard that a million times in my life and always thought it was bullcrap, a cop out for people that are social retards and can't decipher obvious clues about what's going on. As I was at the house last night and interacted with her, she was acting like the wife I always knew. Hiding her behavior and desires so well, I would have thought her life is going well. Now that I know the truth, I wonder how much of the 8 years was spent like this?

Never in a million years could I see this coming. This is my wife of 8 years, the mother of my 2 children. We met at church, use to pray together. I gave her my v-card on our wedding night. She sang at church last week. We've helped people because we wanted to be generous, volunteering and serving. Her biggest complaint pre-affair was that I didn't lead enough in our spiritual lives.

This is the woman who is planning bang-cations, inter-state hookups, and random encounters in our neighborhood pool. When did my life turn into the Maury Povich Show?



Anyway, I have been praying and I feel peace about trusting God on what to say. My goal is not to shame or be angry, in fact, I saw her last night and miraculously found myself able to be amicable with her. Something I want to do for our kids. I had no anger, resentment, negative thoughts. She was just a woman...

It has been easy for me to fall into the trap of trying to orchestrate plots and solutions to get what I want. But I have decided to trust God and let him work on it, and just take it one step at a time. I will confront her today and let her know that I know what's going on, I will let you all know how it goes.

Please pray for me (if that's your thing). I need wisdom, and love, and all my selfish desires and motivations to be removed during this meeting.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Please pray for me (if that's your thing). I need wisdom, and love, and all my selfish desires and motivations to be removed during this meeting.


And as it is asked, it shall be done.

Everything will be alright. It's always darkest before the light.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I just hope your "indifference" is because you are ready to move on and not because you want to keep the door open


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I just hope your "indifference" is because you are ready to move on and not because you want to keep the door open


That is the consequence of her behavior. You can't stop her from doing anything, but you can make decisions for yourself. In this case, I think it is clear that you need to move on for yourself. I wish you luck.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

COGuy, best of luck today.


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

You got it brother! You sound like you are actually approaching this with the right mind and attitude. You will be in my prayers


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

COguy,

Through this situation, you've been struggling to make sense of what your wife is doing. Maybe its to assign a name, like BPD, or other causes. These are valid questions, but I don't think they are the valid questions for you. So much of your posts seem to be unlocking what is really going on, though, in ways that I don't think you see yet.

In your earliest threads, it seemed that your wife grew up within a conservative, religious household. She was told good and wrong, and pressured to live their way. Now, she's been asking you all along to be this spiritual leader. It makes sense that she has no idea of who she is, because she has wrongly depended on others to prescribe her life for her. That is not possible, though.

From my wife, I learned and accepted Christian beliefs. But my past was rooted in different beliefs shared by a number of native american peoples. There are so many teachings about life as a spiritual journey - even my avatar reflects the balance we have to learn on our own. Our spirit grows in maturity as a direct result of the scars, or mistakes we make along the way, by things we do _intentionally _through thousands and thousands of decisions that your wife abdicated to others.

You have to let her go. That is my opinion. Your next steps, I believe, are in finding healing. Your children see and sense far more than you ever know, so you can give them something strong and solid to see. For yourself, I have no doubt that you will find peace and contentment in time. Its just who you are.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

COguy said:


> Not sure what I've already said. As it stands now, her friend has been orchestrating this for a while, planting the seeds. Her friend is letting this ONS guy stay at her house so my wife can go over there and bang him real quick instead of having to drive to hook up. Meanwhile my wife is adamant she is happy, peaceful, finding herself, and that her and her friends aren't talking bad about me.
> 
> *****
> 
> ...


It's as if there were two people living inside her. There is a lot of duality and compartmentalization that comes with having affairs--it is what allows a cheater to not go insane while they go about living two radically different ways.

She has taken this to a level that is far beyond the ordinary affair, as you know only too well.

What I interpret from all of this is that she showed you one side and hid the other. It would seem she has always been this way. I don't mean that she was necessarily have sex with OMs for all 8 years (although that's entirely possible) but who is she? Has she ever fully opened herself to you? I believe she never has. I'm not sure she knows who she is, because she seems incapable of living in truth.

I agree with Halien, the label for someone who lives like this is rather an afterthought. The larger issue is that you don't know who she is, at her core. You can try to love someone like this, but basically, she won't ever let you. Her true nature will always be kept back and hidden--she doesn't show it to _anyone_, perhaps not even to herself.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

To you she is the wife and mother she was raised to be and wants to be. To the others she is the woman she would like to be. No guilt sex, many partners, excitment without consequence, lying, cheating etc.

I wonder if she has had any history of other problems?

Prayers for your family.
Chap


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

My counsellor's statements reflect the meeting quite well: "That was an odd response from someone who's been doing what she has."

I did what I felt God put on my heart, so I stand confidently for everything I did and said during the session. I was calm, peaceful, and acting from a place of genuine love.

I let her know I knew what was going on, and she told me I was being creepy and awkward.

Then she started accusing me of being controlling and a spy and how weird I was. Then she started telling me how I was such a jerk for telling my family and neighbor what happened, that I alienated her from her support.

She was extremely accusatory. She blatantly lied about stuff. She denied that she was going to do anything "we cancelled our plans for tomorrow".

After she went on a tirade and left the session early, she came back to me later and flippantly said, "I never meant to hurt you." A few minutes later she was crying because of her money situation and she said, "Can you not show me a LITTLE sympathy for what's going on?"

Her entire discussion was a contradiction to itself, sometimes 3 or 4 times in the same paragraph. "I'm in such a good place right now" "I'm so close to God" "I have so much peace" "I'm in such a dark place right now" "I'm bored" "I haven't done anything" "My friends are positive and encouraging of what's going on" "My friends would be hurt if they knew my secrets" "I've never been so happy" "I'm finding myself" "I'm depressed and grieving" "Why are you judging me?" "Why do you care what I do?" "I'm not doing anything wrong."

Understanding that from the outside in this looks like a comedy movie, or Jerry Springer episode. But I actually cared about this woman for 8 years, gave her my life. I do not understand how I was so blind.

Every day I find a little bit more about lies and betrayals, I don't know why I'm still surprised at this point, but I am.

Everyone says the same thing, she will shortly abandon the kids. She's already dumped them off on me this entire weekend (which was hers). I was going to watch them saturday morning, then friday night, now the whole weekend.

She already wants her tuesday free next week.

Me and my mom are just trying to keep her pacified now until we get the order. She agreed that it would be in everyone's best interest if I move back in the house and I pay her to come over from 8-5 for daycare. Two nights a week she'll stay till they go to bed then I'll sleep at the house and she can have free time.

Honestly it works out better for both of us and the kids, I'm just waiting for the time she stops wanting nights though, or stops showing up in the morning. Or starts ignoring the kids. I hope this new arrangement gives her enough freedom where she doesn't feel trapped and like she has to do something stupid. If things stayed the same, with her only getting a few hours a week alone, I think it wouldn't take long for her to do something really dumb (like sleep with someone while the kids are in the house).

I'm feeling kind of resentful, like I'm a single dad now and have to take care of them alone.

I'm pissed that she's the one going out and screwing around. I'm pissed sometimes that I don't want to go screw around.

I'm pissed that part of me wants to hop into a relationship with someone just to get over it, and the other part knows that's a horrible idea.

I'm pissed that when my wife was being a b*tch, I daydreamed about a day when I would be single and how much a$$ I'd get, and now that I am, I don't want to. I know I'd feel bad about it even if I did want to. It's not my style and it's not who I am.

If I sound like a walking contradiction, I probably am. Maybe the wife rubbed off on me after 8 years.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Halien,

I appreciate your words and love your avatar. The white and black wolf. I want to do a painting of it now: a clearing in the woods at moonlight and the white wolf has the black one by the throat.

Or maybe a cross and the white wolf is guarding it.

This is my journey, and I have been too focused on my wife. It is difficult for me even now not to check up on her, especially tonight. I still want to "stop it". I am still trying to "catch her".

All I know is that through this experience my white wolf has grown, and will continue to. I look forward to the day when it's a faded memory, and I stand strong above the mountain I conquered with a triumphant gaze. Maybe I'll give a howl.


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

Coguy,

You are a good man and all the thoughts you have are normal and expected to say the least. 

You hold strong. Her battle is not with you or even herself. You keep fighting the good fight. Focus on the kids and providing the best life for you and them you can. 

God has a plan and uncovering this and removing it from your life is part of it. Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning. Hang in there.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Coguy. You should be posting her partners and enablers on cheaterville.com. They are predators and people need to be warned about them. When you get the order in place, post her as well. Other people men and families need to be warned about these people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Coguy. You should be posting her partners and enablers on cheaterville.com. They are predators and people need to be warned about them. When you get the order in place, post her as well. Other people men and families need to be warned about these people.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have elected that in the best interest of my children I won't go there, at least for now.

While she is pacified, she is amicable and compliant and that to me is more important. I could make a big stink about all this and inform all her friends and family, she would immediately turn vindictive and make it hard for me at every pass. Not good for me or the kids. Especially since she could try something stupid (like taking them, or accusing me of something).

The way I see it, the mask will come off on its own. I mean she's posting on FB 3 days after her 8 year marriage ended about how happy she is and what not. That screams of fakeness.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Help me out guys. I can't stop checking on her. She's at CVS, I just know she's buying condoms for tonight.

I feel like I HAVE to go to her friend's house to see if his car is there. Please help me!!!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

COguy said:


> Help me out guys. I can't stop checking on her. She's at CVS, I just know she's buying condoms for tonight.
> 
> I feel like I HAVE to go to her friend's house to see if his car is there. Please help me!!!


You have to move on, friend. Heal. Her own life will now follow its natural course, and probably fizzle out, hitting bottom.

It's so hard to give advice because I don't always respond the best way. Once told my BIL that I would be like an ugly wart on the tip of his nose for the rest of his life, informing every woman he met about how badly he betrayed my sister. Seriously, I lost track of him after a few years.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

COguy said:


> Help me out guys. I can't stop checking on her. She's at CVS, I just know she's buying condoms for tonight.
> 
> I feel like I HAVE to go to her friend's house to see if his car is there. Please help me!!!


She is not your job anymore. Your job is to take care of your kids and be the best father you can be. Obsessing over your STBXW is not part of that.

I don't know if there is a plan in life, but I do believe that we are given the tools to handle what comes our way. Our job is to use those tools. This is one of those times where you need to use those tools to manage your life.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

COguy,
It won't be hard for her to come at you with a stalking claim. Either your kids welfare comes first or it doesn't. If it does, you are going to let go and accept that your marriage is over. 

If not, then I hope the place you end up has generous visitation policies. 





COguy said:


> Help me out guys. I can't stop checking on her. She's at CVS, I just know she's buying condoms for tonight.
> 
> I feel like I HAVE to go to her friend's house to see if his car is there. Please help me!!!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

CO, I'm sorry to hear about this recent turn, though I can't say it's unexpected. There are no easy ways to get through the pain except simply enduring. I noticed you've been sticking to your faith, so keep reminding yourself that God won't give you more than you can handle. 

I was glad to hear you're building your evidence. I think you should really consider going for full custody NO MATTER WHAT! The reason I say this is that when two people separate, it's generally because their values have gone different directions. Those differing values *will* have a HUGE influence on your children, and if you'd rather than have your values, then you need to be their primary caretaker. I learned this the hard way, by cooperating with my daughters' father and giving him custody so I could get into the military, which was the only path I had to ever get a college degree or own a home. It was the right decision in so many ways, but I've paid a major price by watching them adopt many of their father's irresponsible ways. 

Once you have custody, you can always be MORE generous than the court requires, but you can also stick to the letter of the judgment if she's being flaky. 

You might consider asking your attorney to seek a psychiatric evaluation, too.

Her behaviors aren't surprising. She will be loudest and meanest when she's wrong - defensiveness happens when we need to defend ourselves, and we typically need to defend when we've done wrong. But at the same time, she doesn't want others to see her as weak or incompetent, so she puts on a false front. She's got a lot of turmoil of her own going on, and I suspect there's more to it. Drugs is the first thing that comes to my mind, though it could be a psychiatric condition, too.

In any case, take care of yourself. Schedule time for fun. Get a journal and instead of stalking her, get to writing. Take a look at the articles I've written that may apply to your case - there are several - and re-read them to remind yourself that you're on the right path. (The link in my signature takes you to them.) Keep gathering your evidence. Keep in touch with your support network - church, friends, and family. Take time to listen to your children about how they're experiencing all this. 

And above all, even though I've recommended getting custody, keep reminding yourself about what you said: She's the mother of your kids and they love and need her. No matter what she has done to you, it doesn't mean she's a bad parent automatically. Give her credit where it's due, and protect your kids from harm if it's necessary. 

Hugs...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Take your kids out a lot. You will be surprised at how attractive a good dad is to women.

Start the rest of your life: 

180 on your wife:

The Healing Heart: The 180

Read "Married Man Sex Life" and "No more Mister Nice Guy" and their blogs. Its already time to start getting ready for your next realationship.

It does get better, much ,much better.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Take your kids out a lot. You will be surprised at how attractive a good dad is to women.


I was at a party tonight and one gentleman was telling stories about how he once had a super model hit on him while he was with his kids. Good dads are chick magnets, I know it melts my heart like nothing else.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is really good advice. Family court is full of bad outcomes that happen because the man:
- Focuses on his wifes infidelity - and uses that as the basis for painting her as a bad person 
- Once he does this, EVERYTHING else he says about her is suspect/questioned/discounted because he is viewed as the jealous/angry Ex. 
- In fact, worse than that, the courts generally see his behavior as focused more on himself than his kids 
- And stalking often escalates to violence, making any type of stalking behavior at odds with being seen as a stable parent who is in control of his own emotions





KathyBatesel said:


> CO, I'm sorry to hear about this recent turn, though I can't say it's unexpected. There are no easy ways to get through the pain except simply enduring. I noticed you've been sticking to your faith, so keep reminding yourself that God won't give you more than you can handle.
> 
> I was glad to hear you're building your evidence. I think you should really consider going for full custody NO MATTER WHAT! The reason I say this is that when two people separate, it's generally because their values have gone different directions. Those differing values *will* have a HUGE influence on your children, and if you'd rather than have your values, then you need to be their primary caretaker. I learned this the hard way, by cooperating with my daughters' father and giving him custody so I could get into the military, which was the only path I had to ever get a college degree or own a home. It was the right decision in so many ways, but I've paid a major price by watching them adopt many of their father's irresponsible ways.
> 
> ...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

COguy said:


> Help me out guys. I can't stop checking on her. She's at CVS, I just know she's buying condoms for tonight.
> 
> I feel like I HAVE to go to her friend's house to see if his car is there. Please help me!!!


This is about impulse control. You get this type of impulse, you ignore it, you do not react to it.


All you do is say to yourself “This too shall pass”. And it does.


And next time you get the impulse you say to yourself “This too shall pass”.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

COguy said:


> Pain. Hurt. Betrayal.
> 
> No words.
> 
> ...


Unless it was for $$$ divorce see ya later!! I can forgive once maybe twice, but over and over nope I'm a gone pecan.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Just wrecked today.

I stayed out last night with my friend, we got drunk and went to the bar. That was a bad idea in itself because alcohol is a depressant, worse so because I don't really enjoy that kind of thing.

On the way home this morning I went to her friend's house and saw his car there with hers. I lost it, started bawling.

I know what I've been doing isn't healthy, I just feel like I'm not strong enough to stop myself right now.

I'm hurting so bad today. Thinking of how much sex they had yesterday and probably right now. How they were probably cuddling in bed. How she is probably giving him a father's day card and gift. All sh*t she would never do for/with me.

I don't understand how you could take someone who has given you so much love and care, piss all over them, and then treat someone who cares nothing about you like gold. I know that's stupid to say because she's not capable of empathy or compassion, but that's where I'm at right now.

If I was on this board reading my story I would be pissed at myself. This should be so easy to get over.

I am feeling sorry for myself today. Please pray for me if that's your thing. I need some encouragement. I need strength starting now to stop checking on her and just work on moving on and being strong for my kids.

Wishing I could muster up some anger right now but it's just not happening, today I am sad.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I don't have really any words of wisdom but, I am sending some big (((HUGS))) your way!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

CO, why would you be mad at yourself? What you're going through *is* normal, and believe it or not, temporary.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I'm so sorry COguy... got teared up reading this. 

Keep posting and stay strong.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Talked to some friends and family. Spent time with the kids. Feeling much better now. 

I am going to start not checking on her. 

If I get the urge I'll post on here instead. 

The rest of my life starts today.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Did this behavior just start out of nowhere? It sounds like some kind of bipolar manic episode to me (having just experienced that with my wife, although nothing like this thank God). Hypersexuality with loss of inhibition and impulse control is a symptom of Bipolar I manic episodes. 

If not, this is pretty messed up. I can't imagine even wanting her back after this. Forget keeping tabs on her, I would be limiting my exposure to her as much as possible. I can't imagine even caring what she's doing.

Take care of you. Take care of your kids.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Drover said:


> Did this behavior just start out of nowhere? It sounds like some kind of bipolar manic episode to me (having just experienced that with my wife, although nothing like this thank God). Hypersexuality with loss of inhibition and impulse control is a symptom of Bipolar I manic episodes.
> 
> If not, this is pretty messed up. I can't imagine even wanting her back after this. Forget keeping tabs on her, I would be limiting my exposure to her as much as possible. I can't imagine even caring what she's doing.
> 
> Take care of myou. Take care of your kids.


There were red flags from the start. However, it was after her father's death that it appears she lost the battle to her inner demons. That's when she started feeling trapped by marriage.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest every time you think about checking up on your your STBXW tell your self "I diserve good things". Force those unhealthy thoughts out by repeating to your self....even out load "I diserve good things"

This montra "I diserve good things " got me through some tough times back in the day when I was going through this crap.

It sound like you have some good tools to help you but its that instant though that gets us in trouble, so again start a montra that will help you get past those instant thoughts that pop up.

As a believer you may even find a short an quick phrase that will help you pass those painful thoughts and prevent you from taking that unhealthy action. Again mine was "I diserve good things"


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Colorado, I hope you're having a good Father's Day with your kids!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Uptown said:


> Colorado, I hope you're having a good Father's Day with your kids!


Thanks bro. I am actually. Wife is being a b*tch though. We agreed to meet at church every sunday to show the kids we're united on that front. She makes petty, rude, bullcrap comments and then tells me *I'M* being difficult and hateful. Makes me want to pull my hair out.

I find myself saying, "can't wait till I no longer have to deal with her." Then I remember I have minimum 16 more years of regular contact.

I told my mom I want to take the high road, but it's steep uphill, unpaved, and filled with tons of bumps and potholes.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You need to stop trying to shoe-horn this into something that 'appears' normal.

It isn't working. It won't work.

The more it becomes clear she can get away with taking shots at you. The more she will continue to do so.

You should be minimizing contact at any level. Your kids will survive, trust me.

Taking the high road doesn't mean you need to be a punching bag.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I agree. If she is disrespectful to you in front of the children, if she picks petty fights, you think your kids see a "united" front and that they benefit from this type of contact? The answer is absolutely not. You do not want to teach your kids that it's ok to put up with this stuff so you can go to church together. They will not see that it's about the importance of church, they will see that if someone is rude, belittling, irritable, and mean, that you should just put up and shut up. I would stop putting a false united front out there if she can't hold it together properly with the children anywhere around (even if not in the same room). You are doing them no favors with that.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> I agree. If she is disrespectful to you in front of the children, if she picks petty fights, you think your kids see a "united" front and that they benefit from this type of contact? The answer is absolutely not. You do not want to teach your kids that it's ok to put up with this stuff so you can go to church together. They will not see that it's about the importance of church, they will see that if someone is rude, belittling, irritable, and mean, that you should just put up and shut up. I would stop putting a false united front out there if she can't hold it together properly with the children anywhere around (even if not in the same room). You are doing them no favors with that.


I 100% agree with you guys.

Until my papers are signed though, I am going to be Captain Doormat. As soon as she signs the order and it gets filed, I can start standing up for myself. I have to keep her pacified for now, I need her to think she's in control and that she's justified for acting like this.

If she knows I know she's a dirty selfish liar she's not going to sign the order. I don't want to "play hardball", it won't help me her or the kids. I want her to agree with this because she believes it's the best thing for all of us. Once everything is written down and enforceable, she can't do much to hurt me.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

For some reason I thought all was revealed at the last counseling session. Yes, lay low if it helps with custody etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> For some reason I thought all was revealed at the last counseling session. Yes, lay low if it helps with custody etc.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I confronted her that I knew what was going on, she was in severe denial though. Like she hadn't done anything wrong and wasn't going to. At that point I realized she is so far off the deep end I just need to keep playing the game until the order is filed. I don't really want to start trouble after that just for trouble's sake, but I can't put up with the bullcrap for much longer.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

At some point, your wife will ditch the churchgoing. Maybe after gangbang #46, but it will eventually happen. Also, at some point, she's going to want to become involved with her kids again. Also, at or about gangbang #46. See, eventually the wild sex and swinging, drugging, exhibitionism, becomes her new "normal." In her mind, that life will be normal, so there will be no need to keep up the church front; that will fall by the wayside. 

Unfortunately, as the orgies become commonplace, mundane, and normal to her, she'll start to take an interest in her kids. You need to get full custody before she reaches that point. What are your chances of getting full custody in your attorney's opinion?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Co,
For this transition period, you should see a therapist and consider some mild meds to help with the anger, anxiety and depression. 
At some point you will realize that your wife is like poison for you. And that each unit of time spent interacting with her is like taking another spoonful of poison. Many,many spouses in your situation completely avoid contact by using school/daycare as A drop off, pick up point. Other than that they stick with text/email for kid focused scheduling/communication.

You seem unwilling to accept that being victimized (which you have been) only becomes the long term norm when you act like a victim, which you have since d day. 

This latest stuff: church and 16 years of contact, are harmful choices for you, the kids and your wife. Stop trading your self respect in an attempt to reconcile with a W whose biggest issue with you is your lack of boundaries. As for the divorce, she could stretch that out a long time.

At current course and speed you will have zero ability to shape her co parenting decisions because you will end hating each other at a level that prevents collaborative parenting. 



;832799]I confronted her that I knew what was going on, she was in severe denial though. Like she hadn't done anything wrong and wasn't going to. At that point I realized she is so far off the deep end I just need to keep playing the game until the order is filed. I don't really want to start trouble after that just for trouble's sake, but I can't put up with the bullcrap for much longer.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> At some point, your wife will ditch the churchgoing. Maybe after gangbang #46, but it will eventually happen. Also, at some point, she's going to want to become involved with her kids again. Also, at or about gangbang #46. See, eventually the wild sex and swinging, drugging, exhibitionism, becomes her new "normal." In her mind, that life will be normal, so there will be no need to keep up the church front; that will fall by the wayside.
> 
> Unfortunately, as the orgies become commonplace, mundane, and normal to her, she'll start to take an interest in her kids. You need to get full custody before she reaches that point. What are your chances of getting full custody in your attorney's opinion?


It's not that I couldn't, it's that it won't happen in the current situation. Our current arrangement is that she watches the kids from 8-5 monday-friday. My attorney said if I have to go for full custody I need to declare her unfit, as my state would not deny shared legal or physical custody to a parent that's not unfit. Me allowing her to watch my kids from 8-5 kind of invalidates that she would be unfit.

I could seek to prove her mentally unfit, it would be an expensive proposition with no certainty of success. But I feel like even if I did that it would be a selfish motive. At the current conjecture, she's not being an unfit mother, and she's not subjecting my kids to any of her outlandish behaviors. The alternative is for my kids to get sent to daycare all day, and at the current spot I think they are better off with their mother during the day, something they've known their entire life. I am watching them and the situation like a hawk though and if I feel like that changes, I will not have a problem going after full custody.

So instead, I am going after primary physical custody, so that there primary residence is my house. Kind of strengthens my legal position and also puts the kids in a better spot not to get subjected to stuff.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Oy...

I try to fight it, but sometimes you guys are just so much smarter than me.

Looks like we're heading in the NC, daycare, go eff yourself route. She was picking up the kids today and just being a major snatch. Realized I can't do this much longer.

Checked her phone (for legal purposes). Texting all day to friends and guys. She's just ignoring the kids at this point, she's a babysitter not a mom.

She's badmouthing me to friends that know me pretty well. Talking about how this has been a long time coming and how she's been unhappy for so long. Mentioning how abusive I've been to her (emotionally).

I'm worried she's going to try to steal the kids or make a false abuse/violence claim.

Seeing the lawyer on wednesday. Play time is over. It will be best for my kids to have a healthy father. I will worry less about them with a solid place for them to stay and this turmoil is over.

She'll never go for the deal so I may, as my mom suggested, offer to give her a lump some of money to sign the agreement to help her get a place of her own, which would represent the money I'll blow in legal and PI fees if I have to fight her the entire way.


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

Sounds like a better plan than driving yourself crazy trying to figure her or her actions out.

DO NOT let her put you in a bad spot with custody by suckering you into arguments, etc. that she can call police and play victim and use against you. 


You have to act like you dont care if she comes, stays, lays or prays!! 


Focus on you and kids and securing your future togrther!! 

Stay clear of her as much as possible. She will try to have you arrested next!! I am serious!!!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Santa said:


> Sounds like a better plan than driving yourself crazy trying to figure her or her actions out.
> 
> DO NOT let her put you in a bad spot with custody by suckering you into arguments, etc. that she can call police and play victim and use against you.
> 
> ...


I'm getting the arrested vibe, how does everyone know this? Is it like some pheromone people give off?

I'm recording all of our interactions but I want to install cameras as well. Or something more concrete than just audio.

Hoping my lawyer can provide good advice here. Should I just walk in with a video camera whenever she's around?


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

COguy said:


> I'm getting the arrested vibe, how does everyone know this? Is it like some pheromone people give off?
> 
> I'm recording all of our interactions but I want to install cameras as well. Or something more concrete than just audio.
> 
> Hoping my lawyer can provide good advice here. Should I just walk in with a video camera whenever she's around?




From what you said, I would think thats the next thing on her agenda and one of the manyh tricks they play and are encouraged to play actually. 

Have you arrested and get a restraining order. Then she controls everything. Dont give he that opportunity and at the least keep a audio recorder with you if not a video camera during all contact. 

I am just worried thats what is coming next because thats what it sounds like and thats how they play the game and turn things around against you. 


Dont fall for it and beware of putting yourself in that situation. Always speak gentle and be aware.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The MR Nice Guy bull sh!t doesn't work before or after the affair. Hope you have figured this out in time.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

COguy said:


> I'm getting the arrested vibe, how does everyone know this? Is it like some pheromone people give off?
> 
> I'm recording all of our interactions but I want to install cameras as well. Or something more concrete than just audio.
> 
> Hoping my lawyer can provide good advice here. Should I just walk in with a video camera whenever she's around?


There are some hidden camera's that you can wear on yourself without drawing much attention. Have a look at brickhouse security's website.

I also want to applaud you for thinking outside the box, in terms of the legal front, to achieve the best results in the divorce. :smthumbup:

Also have a look at dadsdivorce.com for further advice.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

COguy said:


> I'm getting the arrested vibe....I'm recording all of our interactions but I want to install cameras as well.


SMART decision, Colorado. I don't want you to end up in jail for 3 days like me, being arrested on a bogus charge. Of course, by the time I got out, my exW had filed a restraining order barring me from my own home for 18 months -- the time it takes to get a divorce in this State.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Uptown said:


> SMART decision, Colorado. I don't want you to end up in jail for 3 days like me, being arrested on a bogus charge. Of course, by the time I got out, my exW had filed a restraining order barring me from my own home for 18 months -- the time it takes to get a divorce in this State.


Yeah, this is giving me the creeps. Please protect yourself. She is hard-core all the way and I wouldn't put it past her.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Uptown said:


> SMART decision, Colorado. I don't want you to end up in jail for 3 days like me, being arrested on a bogus charge. Of course, by the time I got out, my exW had filed a restraining order barring me from my own home for 18 months -- the time it takes to get a divorce in this State.


She got away with it?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

warlock07 said:


> She got away with it?


Yes, Warlock, she got away with it. She had been in a rage because I decided not to join her and her sister and grand daughter in driving to beach. She chased me room to room and I retreated into one bedroom, where she had opened the door four times and I had calmly closed it. When she started slamming the door against the wall, however, I pushed her away from the door to prevent further damage. She tripped stepping backward and fell down. In this State, that's all it takes -- because I was the first one to push, never mind that she then started hitting me when she got up.

On the way to jail, the cops advised me that, next time she is having a temper tantrum, to be the first person to call the police. They said that, when things are in doubt between the couple, their standard procedure is to arrest the person who DIDN'T make the call and then let the judge figure it out on arraignment. Unfortunately for me, I had to wait nearly 3 full days for the "judge to figure it out" because I was arrested early on a Saturday morning. In any event, I was guilty of pushing her first -- but not of the "brutality" she was accusing me of.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I was actually beaming tonight. Anger came over me, which I was waiting for. Thought it would take longer.

But the best part is when her stupid meat wagon posts pictures of my wife and him all over eachother on his facebook the night he came over, including my wife pole dancing in the street. Thank you evidence. Guy just saved me $2k in PI fees. Now I have inclination, opportunity, and emotional attachment.

And, just for fun, he posted his address and unit so I don't even have to do the ground work if I decide to inform his commanding officer that he's breaking the code of the navy.

The only thing keeping me from putting her on blast is my kids. I need to make sure I take some time to pray about what's best for them. I've got way too many selfish motives right now to decipher what the best thing to do is.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She was pole dancing on the street?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> She was pole dancing on the street?


Yes! it was night and not crowded, but just funny that she's posting about jesus this and God that and then (one of) her boyfriends is posting pictures of them drunk and sloppy and she's pole dancing in a ****ty dress.

If there were no kids, she would be on blast so bad right now. And I would be video taping her reaction.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Does adultery make a difference in divorces in Colorado?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

keko said:


> Does adultery make a difference in divorces in Colorado?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't live in CO, I used to though. In my state you have to be separated for a year before you can divorce unless you can prove adultery. If you can prove adultery, it also eliminates the need to pay spousal support. Which in my case probably wouldn't be a lot anyway.

For me it was really more of a leverage tool since I know she absolutely doesn't want a divorce because of adultery so she can keep her pretense up. Telling her she needs to agree to our agreement or I'm going for the divorce and will show the evidence at court will be a good bargaining chip.

If I had to be an uber-d*ck, I could subpoena all her friends and family, and ensure they're in the court room when I read off all the emails and messages, which would implicate some of her other friends in cheating as well. The threat of that should make her pretty compliant. Or even more insane...I don't know yet.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Although you're getting fairly good evidence, it coming from a third party might be more powerful in the eyes of the jury/court.(ie. PI)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

keko said:


> Although you're getting fairly good evidence, it coming from a third party might be more powerful in the eyes of the jury/court.(ie. PI)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yup. More is better. Always more, espeically since adultery has a monetary value in CO's state. IIRC, cheaters spy shop (yeah, those TV guys) have hidden cameras that look like innocent household appliances. You might want to put a couple of those around the house if you're still getting the arrest vibe.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

COguy said:


> Yes! it was night and not crowded, but just funny that she's posting about jesus this and God that and then (one of) her boyfriends is posting pictures of them drunk and sloppy and she's pole dancing in a ****ty dress.


I've seen the pre-internet version of this God-approved adultery and harlotry all my life. Seems to be limited to preachers and women almost exclusively.


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

COguy said:


> For me it was really more of a leverage tool since I know she absolutely doesn't want a divorce because of adultery so she can keep her pretense up. Telling her she needs to agree to our agreement or I'm going for the divorce and will show the evidence at court will be a good bargaining chip.




Not to mention, IF she does try to have you arrested for some false stuff, you can show in court why she is doing it to get the upper hand with kids in custody/divorce.

Hope you are doing alright today. I know it HAS to be tough.

Let us know how you are sometime today buddy.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

IF you decide to expose? Make it when, not if.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I have to admit when seeing the thread title I thought of this:











kind of appropriate if you think about it


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Starting a new thread in the Private section.


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