# Can't Sleep - Can't Stop Thinking



## hoping4love (Jan 14, 2013)

After nearly a month, I saw my husband today. No interaction. The OW was driving him to work - I was driving by. It didn't really affect me too much. I wasn't sad, angry, or hysterical. I just noticed them and said, "Well, there they go."

In general, today (I say today, but I really mean Friday) has been pretty blah. I stayed home from work today because I am sick. Sickness always puts me in a generally crappy mood. Throughout this entire experience, I have never really been angry with him. I felt otherwise today, though. I just kept thinking, "How could he do this? He didn't even bother talking to me about anything, he just left." He never told me that he was thinking about leaving - he just did it. He didn't even tell me that I shouldn't bother buying him Christmas presents because I should save my money to pay bills since he would be dipping out on those, too. 

I have been lying in bed for the last hour and a half just thinking. Were they in my bed? While I was at work? In my car? My roommates bedroom? Are they both lying to his family or does his family really not care? Should I really want to R after all this? Will I even be able to? Do I really forgive him or is it just easier than being angry with him? Does he think about me? Does he miss me? Does he have any regrets? Why won't he just talk to me? How long do I have to wait? When will the idea of talking to other guys no longer make me sick to my stomach? Is it worth it? Can we really have something better and stronger than before? Why won't he just talk to me? Should I pack the rest of his things? Did he leave them here on purpose? Is he really planning on coming back or is that just something he said?

I wish the OW would throw herself into the fiery pits of Mordor.



You can read my story on my blog: My Journey to Self Discovery


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

hoping4love said:


> Were they in my bed?While I was at work? In my car? My roommates bedroom? Don't dwell on any of this. You will never know.
> 
> Are they both lying to his family or does his family really not care? Pretty much anything he says to _ANYONE_ about his relationships is going to be a lie. Yes, even - maybe especially to her.
> 
> ...


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

You'll see this on TAM quite regularly:

"You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it". 

Appears there are no kids involved, so in this respect, consider yourself lucky. 

Start the 180 (for yourself-not to win him back) Get yourself together: hit the gym, eat properly, get your sleep (even if you have to take more Tylenol PMs). Doll yourself up and socialize. 

Pack the rest of his stuff in trash bags, file for D. 

Or - continue what you're doing now, which appears to be wallowing in despair. It's up to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Hoping,

I am sorry for what you are going through. I went through much of the exact same things that you are going through. There was a week that I had a total of 7 hours of sleep. I had to get medicine to finally sleep.

My EXW of 15 years had an affair that I found out about and just basically through my life away down the drain with no warning etc... I so desperately wanted the life that I used to have so long ago, but that was just not going to happen. Sometimes the change is irreversible, sometimes it is not. 

My EX was convinced I was awful, terrible, waste of time, i don't know...

It was almost a year ago to this day... I was in an Amish farmers market waiting for my number to be called when this large woman dropped her purse, full of cards, coins etc... I got down on the dirty floor in the market and I picked up the cards and handed them to her because they were the most important then I went about picking up her coins. She had a large coin purse and wasn't wealthy so I knew the coins meant something to her. I picked up the larger ones, the quarters, nickels, and dimes, then I picked up every single penny, well over 100 coins... She thanked me and said to me that she wanted to give me something... 'I told her you already have. You reminded me what I need to teach my boys.'

I have 3 sons 10, 11, 12. I want them to grow up to be good men. You do things for other people because everyone needs grace. You do. You are blessed and you will find as you go through this at start focussing on making yourself a better person that you will receive blessings beyond what you would ever receive if you stayed with your cheating H.

I met someone 7 months ago. She is beautiful and wonderful... Our relationship isn't perfect but I have been blessed to have met her. I still have feelings for my EX. Those feelings are of loss and pity, but not of love anymore. The betrayal took it's toll.

Yesterday, I took my bookends to counseling and the psychologist saw in my little one that he was full of sadness and anger. Like me, he masks it with a wall of humor. My girlfriend sensed it. She was taking her daughter to get her hair done today for a sweet 16 party and my two older ones have soccer. She just asked my little one if he wanted to go with her today. He jumped at the chance. He has been emotionally abandoned by his mother for a while and he was looking for attention. My girlfriend just saw his pain and knew and treats him like her own. I actually started crying a little and she held me.

She also has stage 2 cancer so life is hard and stressful, but the blessings just keep rolling in. I have $14 in my checking account until I get paid, but my son took his birthday money and gave it to me so we could buy groceries for a nice dinner tonight.

The point is, you can worry all you want about what the other person is thinking or doing or not doing and it won't do a Damn thing for you. If you work on yourself, getting fit, healthy, involved and making yourself better, and focusing on the positive things in life. Life will start opening up for you. Blessings will be there. 

I don't have it easy right now, but I have been blessed. To have gone through this nasty process and to force myself to focus on becoming a better person has just helped open my life up to unexpected and wonderful love and joy. The trials I went through helped prepare me to be strong for my girlfriend. She needed someone to be there for her in her darkest time and if I hadn't had to go through what I did... I doubt I would have been prepared.

You have a lot to be thankful for and to look forward to. Do not let your happiness be determined but a cheating liar. Get up and get moving on making yourself great and don't look back! Good luck to you and God Bless!


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Agree with oldtimer - the best thing for you is to start working on detaching yourself. Work out - make yourself so tired that you fall asleep shortly after your head hits the pillow. IF you are really having trouble - get your doctor to prescribe some non-addictive sleep aid (I got a prescription for zopiclone). You will be amazed how much a few good night's sleep will help your entire frame of mind.

With no kids, you can detach completely - work on yourself and get into a position where he will want to come back and you won't care.

Sorry for what you're going through, but good luck - you will be in a better place mentally in a shorter time than you think.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I say pack his stuff up and put it out because you are not a storage unit or a place to fall back too. Especially if he is not paying the bills anymore. He does not live there so neither do his things.
It is very hard not to think about all the what is he thinking, doing, and going to dos? But they are wasted thoughts and energy. 
Take care of you and see to your needs and wants.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

What you are going through is very normal.

If I could redo my post-DDay experience, I would have taken sleeping aids immediately. It me 6 weeks before I got anything and I was a zombie. Couldn't think or act straight. Please go see a doctor or psychiatrist. Pronto.


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## hoping4love (Jan 14, 2013)

Thanks everyone so much for your responses. I did finally get to sleep, though it definitely took a while. I am still sick and I woke feeling pretty crappy. But I am intent on having a much better day. Of course, I am doing so by listening to some feisty music. Thus far, my favorite is Fist City by Loretta Lynn.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Expose them to friends and family and use Cheaterville.


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## hoping4love (Jan 14, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Expose them to friends and family and use Cheaterville.


MattMatt, I think it would be a moot point. Before they moved out and in together (she was previously our roommate), she tried everything in her power to make sure all our mutual friends were on her side. Before I even found out about the affair that happened in my home, and before I even found out that they were currently an "item," she got his family on her side. At this point, I would look like nothing more than a crazy spurned stbxw intent on nothing more than revenge. I don't want revenge - not really. It takes too much energy to wish them ill or to even hate them. I have decided that the best way I will ever be happy is to hope for the best, keep my chin up, and move myself forward. 

I don't want to lower myself to their standards. I am better than that. Even though it is mighty lonely on the high ground - I would rather be up here by myself, then down there with them.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Right on, Hoping. 

Get YOUR shizz together - don't worry about "them".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hoping4love (Jan 14, 2013)

old timer said:


> Right on, Hoping.
> 
> Get YOUR shizz together - don't worry about "them".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lol, thanks old timer.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Your rep is getting tarnished. Don't lie down and take in the name of the high road.

Walk tall on the high road, don't be its pavement.


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## hoping4love (Jan 14, 2013)

staystrong said:


> Your rep is getting tarnished. Don't lie down and take in the name of the high road.
> 
> Walk tall on the high road, don't be its pavement.


Lol, I am not too concerned about my rep. People are going to believe what they want to believe regardless if I "out" them or not. I am most definitely not lying down and taking it. I know my husband (and I maintain that even in the midst of everything that he is doing) and I know how he is "coping" with his mistake. By blocking it out - he is a master of ignoring it and hoping it goes away. So, the only person I really have to be concerned about ruining my "rep" is the OW. And by being happy, forgiving, and letting it trickle like water down my back - not only am I not giving her what she wants, I am proving to everybody, including her, that I am not the person she is trying to make everyone believe.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Consider seeing a psychiatrist, Zoloft(sertraline) and anti anxiety meds could do wonders for you. You dont have to stay on them forever, but they can help you get through a few months of a bad situation.

Sertraline helps with self confidence and decision making. As far as anti anxiety meds, any benzodiazepine (xanax, klonopin, etc..) will do the trick, and help you sleep.


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## hoping4love (Jan 14, 2013)

Paladin said:


> Consider seeing a psychiatrist, Zoloft(sertraline) and anti anxiety meds could do wonders for you. You dont have to stay on them forever, but they can help you get through a few months of a bad situation.
> 
> Sertraline helps with self confidence and decision making. As far as anti anxiety meds, any benzodiazepine (xanax, klonopin, etc..) will do the trick, and help you sleep.


I actually have an appointment with my PCP this Tuesday. I intend to discuss going back on my antidepressants and the possibility of getting on an anti-anxiety (like ativan (sp?) which always helped me in the past). I am having a much better day today than I was yesterday, though. I guess the ups and downs are kind of expected right now.


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