# Do I need to calm down or does he need to step it up?



## newlywed_wife (Feb 1, 2014)

Thanks for reading. I don't know anyone who can provide advice to this issue i've had for so long. 

I've been married for 2 years now and just had a baby 3 months ago. My husband has never had a decent job and is currently not working. His family provides everything for us financial wise. I was working until I was pregnant and on maternity leave. I've been working on a business with a friend that will open in the summer. His parents are the ones who gave me the money to open the company. 

Problems really caught on after our baby was born. 

1. He proclaims taking care of a baby is not a man's job
He never takes care of the baby at night even when I've been up all day and dead tired. He tries to do other things to avoid taking care of the baby in the day time. He does do other chores like buying food and taking out garbage, etc. 

2. Husband now wants to work at the business i'm starting up
I've worked on this project for almost a year now. Few monthsI agreed we can work together on the business i'm starting up. Suddenly he wants to make decisions and go to all the meetings . He got really angry with me when I said we need to speak with my partner and make decisions together. He doesn't know anything nor is interested in learning yet he gets angry with me when he can't make any decisions :scratchhead:
I insisted and encouraged him to start something else that he's interested in. Yet he still wants to work with me. He's stopped wanting to make decisions now but after that incident i'm just not sure if I'm mentally able to take any thing else he might throw at me. He kept saying it was HIM who gave me the money to start a business and after he wired the money to me, I didn't want to involve him anymore. 

3. He says "my friends wives are the ones taking care of the children. What if I have work to do, i can't be taking care of the baby"
Problem is, he doesn't have anything to do now. I have my hands full and need help. I'm offering to do more and I feel like i'm being taken advantage of. Any free time I get I am working on my business or replying emails. He's only playing games on his iphone or video games. When my parents come over to help with the baby when i go to meetings, he's just outside eating with friends or relaxing. 
When i bring up the truth he got mad and walks away. Didnt even say goodnight to me. The baby sleeps on the bed with me and we sleep in separate rooms for about 3 weeks now. 

4. I feel unattractive
When I was pregnant I felt unattractive. We never had sex even when I talked about it or even initiated. I felt like he didn't look at me the same and looked at other women more. When I tell him this he denied it.
Post pregnancy I've kept the weight down and got lots of compliments from friends or even strangers but I still feel unattractive. He doesn't compliment me the way he used to and now I've lost all sexual desire. I don't feel attracted to him. He initiated a couple times but I've just had no reaction at all. 

5. Whenever we argue I just think about whether I can live on my own
90% of the time we argue is because I feel he's not taking enough responsibility. It was him and his parents who first wanted a child and I warned him its going to be really difficult yet he insisted. 10/10 times we argue i ask myself will I be able to take care of the baby if I was alone. Do I have enough financially. 

6. His family is getting wealthier and he's getting more of an attitude problem.
When we have a problem (The house is messy, cooking dinner, taking care of baby, etc), he'll just say, well we can just hire someone to do it. Yes sure we can, but can't we team up and do some of this stuff ourselves ? Are we to just sit on our bums and do nothing all our lives?

I'm just LOST. I feel like I'm just complaining all the time about the same things. I feel like I see him as less of a man than ever. 

Don't get me wrong. I love him and he does have good qualities too. What am I supposed to do here.. is this enough to consider leaving him? I don't want to have a child without a father yet i feel he's not going to be much of a figure


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Why do his parents even let him live this way?? 

He's very lazy and it's totally unfair to you that he refuses to help with the baby, not to mention not get a job.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You married someone like this. Then you had a child with him. What was your reasons for doing that? Did you think he was going to magically grow up?

Sounds like his family has enabled his bad behaviour all his life, so I wouldn't expect any changes. Your only decision is whether you can accept this, or if you need to get out.

C


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

We should be careful of who we fall in love with. There are plenty out there that is not marriage material. Unfortunately, love and affection blinds us to our partner's flaws, and blinds them to our flaws as well. Love does not really change anyone, they are better behaved in the infatuation stage that can last up to a few years. What you are seeing now is closer to who he really is. Your attachment to him is wearing out, and more and more of his flaws will be noticeable as well as he will become more and more of his normal self as well.

He has probably been spoiled, and his parents instilled those values in him. I do not think he sees that he has a problem. From his prospective, him not helping out with children is his normal which is a shame as he will have less of an attachment to the child.

I could tell you to communicate, but he sounds pretty self-centered. I can see him believing that there is something wrong with you instead.

This is pretty much a case of what you can live with or without. If he cannot be the person you can love and be in love with, then there is really no chance. A crisis may affect change, such as you leaving, but it might not work as well. He has been taught to be a spoiled child, and that has been hard wired into his personality and character. It would be hard to undo years of that type of hard wiring. I am giving you the realistic odds, and not some idealism that you can change him. If you look at beliefs that are instilled into people, you can see how hard that is to break. His beliefs is that he does not have to help out with the child, and that is not going to change that easily. He probably does not have hard work instilled in him either. He is probably not the role model you want your child emulating. Look at what his parents taught your husband to be.


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## newlywed_wife (Feb 1, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Why do his parents even let him live this way??
> 
> He's very lazy and it's totally unfair to you that he refuses to help with the baby, not to mention not get a job.


his mother consistently has talked to him "lecture" him about finding a job and also about taking care of the baby. He always finds a way to make us believe hes going to do it, but at the end his laziness just comes back. Why they continue to provide his finances I really question this myself.


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## newlywed_wife (Feb 1, 2014)

PBear said:


> You married someone like this. Then you had a child with him. What was your reasons for doing that? Did you think he was going to magically grow up?
> 
> Sounds like his family has enabled his bad behaviour all his life, so I wouldn't expect any changes. Your only decision is whether you can accept this, or if you need to get out.
> 
> C


Thanks for being straightforward about this. 
I was blinded by how well he treated me in the past. He would literally do anything to be with me and was very romantic. I loved him a lot and felt I could look past him not finding work as long as he's happy. However, not finding work, getting upset about it, and throwing mood swings because he can't figure out what he wants to do is not okay. 

Truthfully i wasn't thinking. The lovey dovey stage is bound to end and his real personality will shine through. I did truly believe a person will grow at some point, however time has just shown me not only can a person not grow, they can become even more immature. 

Also, his mother treats me very well, to the point I don't want to leave my husband because she'll get upset. However, as time goes by I feel like I'm married to her. She provides everything : helps with the baby, supports me mentality and financially. Provides encouragement. 

I'm scared to get out. I'm not financially stable enough to support a child yet. I'll also be extremely busy the next couple years to grow my company. There's no way I'd let this child leave me


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## newlywed_wife (Feb 1, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> We should be careful of who we fall in love with.
> 
> This is pretty much a case of what you can live with or without. If he cannot be the person you can love and be in love with, then there is really no chance. A crisis may affect change, such as you leaving, but it might not work as well. He has been taught to be a spoiled child, and that has been hard wired into his personality and character. It would be hard to undo years of that type of hard wiring. I am giving you the realistic odds, and not some idealism that you can change him. If you look at beliefs that are instilled into people, you can see how hard that is to break. His beliefs is that he does not have to help out with the child, and that is not going to change that easily. He probably does not have hard work instilled in him either. He is probably not the role model you want your child emulating. Look at what his parents taught your husband to be.


I agree with what you're saying. I feel like a few years ago I could still accept and love this person but as time went by my priorities and what I'm looking for in a person started changing while he stayed the same (or perhaps gotten worse).
With marrying him and his family's increasing wealth I feel as though he believes I will not have the guts to leave him. I can feel it from the way he responds to me when we argue. He stays angry for a longer period of time.

He also says I should feel happy that I'm married to him. Others w his wealth are likely to cheat (which is true and I've seen) and he would tell me stories of his acquaintances. However, this straight out pisses me off. How could one of the only good qualities he has is something that he doesn't do? Also, if he knows many people who do this how likely is it that he also has plenty of opportunity to cheat too? I'm not registering why he's telling me this


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

He needs a wake up call. The bottom line as I see it is that you're complaining about the same things over and over again (nagging) is clearly not working, and since you haven't done anything noticeable about it yet, he has essentially been trained to believe that he can and will get away with not changing at all. By him not having to face any consequences, he has no incentive to change. After all, if you could just play video games all you wanted and not have any chores, without any consequences, would you want to change?

I always suggest starting off by sitting him down and having a 100% direct conversation, no sugar coating, in a "sandwich" conversation style. You start by telling him that the current situation is unacceptable and must change if the marriage is going to survive. (Yes, I suggest using those terms, hopefully making this more "real" for him) That's the first piece of bread. Then you soften the blow a bit by explaining that you do still love him, you want nothing more than to see the marriage healed and resume "happily ever after" with him, and you are willing to do whatever it takes and open to any suggestions, to help make that happen. That's the meat/pb&j. Last, you reinforce the initial message and put the ball in his court by affirming that SOMETHING has to change soon because you will not be able to continue in the relationship the way it is now, and you need to discuss with him ideas and strategies for how you will both resolve these issues and move forward, not not. At that point the ball is in his court regarding how he wants to respond, and he should be fully aware of the situation and not be caught off guard later on if you have to take additional steps.

There is a chance that he still wont' believe you however, thinking that this is just another "mood" you are in and that he can just brush this aside like your other "complaints" or maybe just offer some lip service or minor effort tweaks to satisfy you for the moment. If this happens, you'll need to sit him down again and tell him this is real, that you won't accept half-ass effort or no effort, or you can just move to the next step. The next step being that you either ask him to move out, or you file for divorce, or both.

It should be said that asking him to move out or filing for divorce does NOT mean you have decided that the marriage is doomed. The divorce process takes a long time, so there will be plenty of time for either of you to change your mind, but this is the single best way to show him that you mean business, to completely erase in his mind any notion that you will just let it all slide again like you always have. If he can't wake up on his own and start making genuine changes to his lifestyle and treatment of you, this is the best (and final) method to make that happen.


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