# Strong Infatuation, Feeling Guilty



## Otakon89 (Jan 8, 2013)

I joined for the sole purpose of posting this. After coming on here and seeing that it was not an uncommon thing, I felt a little better, but, alas, here it is.
Approximately a year ago, my wife and I were invited out to dinner by some friends. They tell us that some of their other friends are attending as well. We arrived at the restaurant, found our friends, and there with them was a girl whom I found absolutely gorgeous. I found it hard not to look at her and I was immediately infatuated. She had a great sense of humor, a sweet smile, and was interested in anything I had to say. Come to find out she was married. _Bummer_, I thought. After me and my wife left, I couldn't stop thinking about the girl. A couple of months passed and I had all but forgotten about her
The same friends that invited us to dinner that night invited us to Thanksgiving. Guess at who's house it was; the girl-at-the- restaurant's. Knowing how I had reacted the first time, I made a conscious effort to avoid communication with her. We talked a couple of times, but the conversations were brief. I left without any feelings of attachment. Victory for me.
A year passed and I found myself at my friend's house to play some game's with him. It was the first night since my son was born that I had had a night to myself. I walked into his house and my friend's wife was sitting at their dining room table drinking coffee and chatting with two other ladies. They all turned to look at me as I entered and I immediately recognized one of them; it was 'The Girl.' I greeted them warmly, but I didn't stay to say much else. My friend and I entered the man-cave and gamed for an hour.
Later, his wife came in and asked if I wanted some coffee. I enthusiastically accepted her offer and went into the kitchen with her to retrieve it. Pouring my coffee, I eavesdropped on the ladies' conversation. They were chatting about diets and 'juicing,' topics that I had rudimentary knowledge of, so I chimed in my opinion. I was about to leave the kitchen and get back to my friend, but 'The Girl' got up to get more coffee. As she got closer, I got nervous. I wanted to say hi, but, knowing how I reacted to meeting her the first time, I tried to slip by. As if reading my thoughts, she greeted me and asked how I was during the year she hadn't seen me.
Our conversation lasted the rest of the night; I never got back to my friend. She laughed at all of my jokes, we mimicked each others body movements, and generally had a good time talking. During our talk, she told me she had gotten a divorce. It, honestly, gave me a twinge of satisfaction. In conclusion, my infatuation with her came back with a force that has been, at times, unbearable. I've been thinking about her constantly and I feel guilty because I honor my relationship with my wife and it has been hard to pay attention to her. Confessing this has been cathartic, however, but I'm afraid it won't last.
Help.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Otakon89 said:


> *During our talk, she told me she had gotten a divorce.* It, honestly, gave me a twinge of satisfaction. In conclusion, my infatuation with her came back with a force that has been, at times, unbearable. I've been thinking about her constantly and I feel guilty because I honor my relationship with my wife and it has been hard to pay attention to her. Confessing this has been cathartic, however, but I'm afraid it won't last.
> Help.


Did you even happen to mention to her that you had NOT gotten a divorce?? Why aren't you having these types of conversations with your wife instead of another woman? Why aren't you giving your wife the same attention that you're giving this woman. Why are you even _*having*_ these kinds of conversations with someone other than your wife??

Do you have no idea what the definition of boundaries is? I'll look it for you if you don't. Wake the fvck up to what you are on the verge of blowing sky high!

You need to stay the hell away from this woman and do everything you are doing with her right now with your wife.

It's a good thing you recognize the danger you are in, but you need to eliminate contact with woman forever, or you're going to find yourself in a place you _*really*_ don't want to be.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

You have a wife and a newborn son. It's good that you recognize that what you're thinking of doing is going to be destructive. I don't know what else to recommend but just don't forget why you had a family with your wife and what is important to you. If your wife and son come up short vs the infatuation - then you need to have a good sit down talk with your wife, or get yourself into IC before you do something stupid.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Otakon89 said:


> I joined for the sole purpose of posting this. After coming on here and seeing that it was not an uncommon thing, I felt a little better, but, alas, here it is.
> Approximately a year ago, my wife and I were invited out to dinner by some friends. They tell us that some of their other friends are attending as well. We arrived at the restaurant, found our friends, and there with them was a girl whom I found absolutely gorgeous. I found it hard not to look at her and I was immediately infatuated. She had a great sense of humor, a sweet smile, and was interested in anything I had to say. Come to find out she was married. _Bummer_, I thought. After me and my wife left, I couldn't stop thinking about the girl. A couple of months passed and I had all but forgotten about her
> The same friends that invited us to dinner that night invited us to Thanksgiving. Guess at who's house it was; the girl-at-the- restaurant's. Knowing how I had reacted the first time, I made a conscious effort to avoid communication with her. We talked a couple of times, but the conversations were brief. I left without any feelings of attachment. Victory for me.
> A year passed and I found myself at my friend's house to play some game's with him. It was the first night since my son was born that I had had a night to myself. I walked into his house and my friend's wife was sitting at their dining room table drinking coffee and chatting with two other ladies. They all turned to look at me as I entered and I immediately recognized one of them; it was 'The Girl.' I greeted them warmly, but I didn't stay to say much else. My friend and I entered the man-cave and gamed for an hour.
> ...



In my experience it takes about three weeks for this to go away. 
It happens to all of us.
Put it out of your head.
Man up and focus on being the husband you vowed to be in front of family, friends and most of all God.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Abe Lincoln had a saying- "When you make a bad bargain, hug it tighter". 

I understand temptation. That's normal. But infatuation is a sort of betrayal against your wife. 

So now it's up to you. Your wife or continue the betrayal. 

Obviously you need to do whatever it takes to reconnect with your wife and make this other woman a memory- a fading memory. Otherwise, be a man, tell your wife you want to have sex with this woman and destroy your family.


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## Otakon89 (Jan 8, 2013)

Good advice on all accounts.
I think the most important thing I did to help myself was not take any steps towards having communication with her outside of situations like that; I don't have her phone number, e-mail address, and I don't have a facebook, so... 
I know I won't do anything, but the feeling of guilt is crushing me.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Otakon89 said:


> Good advice on all accounts.
> I think the most important thing I did to help myself was not take any steps towards having communication with her outside of situations like that; I don't have her phone number, e-mail address, and I don't have a facebook, so...
> *I know I won't do anything, but the feeling of guilt is crushing me.*


Again, being tempted is normal. Just don't give in to it.

May I suggest arranging a nice romantic night with your wife?


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## Otakon89 (Jan 8, 2013)

I'd like to, but our son freaks when she's not around :/ We're going through _that_ stage. Did I mention he's already 16 months?


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Otakon89 said:


> Good advice on all accounts.
> I think the most important thing I did to help myself was not take any steps towards having communication with her outside of situations like that; I don't have her phone number, e-mail address, and I don't have a facebook, so...
> I know I won't do anything, but the feeling of guilt is crushing me.


Those are good steps but it has to be more than removing the mechanisms. You have to deal with the infatuation. You're in a fog of some sort. In situations like this - just remember you are a husband and a FATHER. Unless there's something else pushing you away - you have to acknowledge what is important to you. Weigh it vs the infatuation. 

But good steps to remove any temptation to connect electronically.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

Otakon89 said:


> Our conversation lasted the rest of the night; I never got back to my friend. She laughed at all of my jokes, we mimicked each others body movements, and generally had a good time talking. During our talk, she told me she had gotten a divorce. It, honestly, gave me a twinge of satisfaction. In conclusion, my infatuation with her came back with a force that has been, at times, unbearable. I've been thinking about her constantly and I feel guilty because I honor my relationship with my wife and it has been hard to pay attention to her. Confessing this has been cathartic, however, but I'm afraid it won't last.
> Help.


What can I tell you to break your idealistic notion about this woman? Let's see...she has a lousy diet. She may well be negligent about paying her bills and her credit score sucks. What else can I tell you to explain to you that this is JUST ANOTHER HUMAN. And there is a reason she's divorced (it takes two...) You are idealizing her right now - big mistake. Her flaws will make your wife's flaws larger in comparison. She is obviously trolling for a man or she wouldn't have been so free to mimick your body language; don't make the mistake of thinking that was "natural". And how DARE she do that with a married man! One word: trash.

Your best bet is to talk to your wife. Let her know that you feel there's been a disconnect between the two of you; plan a romantic weekend. 

In other words: put effort into maintaining your marriage, not fanning the flames of what could destroy your life.

I applaud you for coming here BEFORE you irreparably damaged your marriage.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Otakon89 said:


> I'd like to, but our son freaks when she's not around :/ We're going through _that_ stage. Did I mention he's already 16 months?


Ok - I've been there twice (two girls though). 16 months, you're both dead tired all the time - but the worst of it is over. Your wife may still be a little out of shape - too tired for the same energetic sex you used to have and her tits might be baggy or you're just not into using your son's food source as a sex object yet. 

So what are you going to do? Ditch your wife and your 16 month old son for an infatuation? That'll go over well with your wife, your family and your friends (who will feel great that they introduced you).

You have to weigh what's important to you. But whatever you do, don't let your wife and 16 month old son be dupes to some affair you carry on under their noses. They deserve better. If you're going to follow your little head and go for the infatuation, at least be honest with your wife.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

Otakon89 said:


> Good advice on all accounts.
> I think the most important thing I did to help myself was not take any steps towards having communication with her outside of situations like that; I don't have her phone number, e-mail address, and I don't have a facebook, so...
> I know I won't do anything, but the feeling of guilt is crushing me.


Tell your wife. She needs to get a head's up that her husband is looking elsewhere.


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## Otakon89 (Jan 8, 2013)

committedwife said:


> What can I tell you to break your idealistic notion about this woman? Let's see...she has a lousy diet. She may well be negligent about paying her bills and her credit score sucks. What else can I tell you to explain to you that this is JUST ANOTHER HUMAN. And there is a reason she's divorced (it takes two...) You are idealizing her right now - big mistake. Her flaws will make your wife's flaws larger in comparison. She is obviously trolling for a man or she wouldn't have been so free to mimick your body language; don't make the mistake of thinking that was "natural". And how DARE she do that with a married man! One word: trash.
> 
> Your best bet is to talk to your wife. Let her know that you feel there's been a disconnect between the two of you; plan a romantic weekend.
> 
> ...


Never thought of it that way. Beyond meeting her those few times, I don't know much about her. You've been helpful.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Otakon89 said:


> I know I won't do anything


I would venture to guess this is the exact same thing that 90-95% of adulterers told themselves right before it went to a full blown physical affair that blew their world, and the world of their betrayed spouse's, apart.

Start thinking dude. Stay the hell away from this woman and tell your wife about your feelings and allow her to help you not make the biggest mistake you will ever make.

I understand that you're getting bored with life. BTDT. Start making it exciting again by having these flirting sessions with your wife....the same flirting sessions that got you two to the alter to begin with.

It's not that difficult, and it will rekindle what you feel you have lost and it will extinguish what you "feel" for this other woman.

Start dating your wife again.

Then, never stop dating her. You do this, and you'll never have a need to come back to an infidelity board again.

I promise you this.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Infatuations are temporary. They seem so hot when it's new and we idealize them, but after a while they're just another girl.

It's pretty clear she was intentionally charming, and wow do I have a warning over that: those claws can come out and rake your face wide open if she feels like it too. But in order to do that she has to get you in a compromising situation. She can't hurt you now. But if you screw her she can turn you into a pile of blood and guts with one phone call.


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## Otakon89 (Jan 8, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> She can't hurt you now. But if you screw her she can turn you into a pile of blood and guts with one phone call.


Ha, very true.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

It is human and easy to get attracted to a person we see as beauty. It happens.

Admit that you are attracted. And keep away thoughts about her.
That will be honouring yourself, your wife, your kid and your marital vows.

Just think: if your wife finds another man attractive the way you did?
Okay? Then, your mind will stop thinking about this gorgeous attractive and inviting woman.

Trust me, any affair, emotional or physical, is going to lead to disaster. To you, To your wife, To your child, To your family, To your parents, To your friends.

Would you like to be the cause of disaster? And tell me, what will you gain by involving with this woman? Sex? Boost to ego? What?

Think about at your child's innocent face. Think about your trusting wife.

I am happy you are honest and came here to post. Most of the posters come here after f+**ing the OW.


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## Otakon89 (Jan 8, 2013)

JustPuzzled said:


> It was like the saying: "I didn't change my mind - it changed all by itself".


Exactly! Albeit, I was physically attracted to her at first, but a good conversation helped intensify the longing.
My wife has experience with this, too. She always says that I'm the last guy she'd ever date (or marry for that matter). In the beginning of our marriage, she was struggling with her desire to be with women. Not long before I preposed, she had admitted to herself that she liked females and she felt slighted because she never got the chance to do anything about it. At the start, she petitioned me for a girlfriend and, eventually, for a threesome, but it's not something I'm down with. Humans are humans and sexual contact is sexual contact no matter the gender. I told her to honor our relationship or leave. She admitted to having the desire to cheat, but she never did out of respect for me. It's been a while since she has said anything about it, but what I'm getting at is that she was candid with me.
I know I should talk to her about, however, and, believe me, this is a big however, I'm not held to the same standard as she is. In my first post, I said that I finally got some time to myself. That was recently. After 16 months of being around my son and wife, I finally got a day to myself. My wife has had multiple. She's a house wife and I understand that the baby is her job, but at least she gets a break from that when I'm home from work. With baby-managing on top, I 'work' 16 hrs a day. When I'm home, the kid is not her deal anymore.
Anyways, enough of my long winded rant.


AngryandUsed said:


> I am happy you are honest and came here to post. Most of the posters come here after f+**ing the OW.


Also, this would never happen if she didn't pursue it. This whole situation could completely unrequited, which would make me feel much, much better. Who knows. However, I was pursued by a girl in school and my wife lived half the country away. I was flattered and the ego boost was nice, but I never did anything. Then again, I wasn't attracted to that girl. As was stated, it's best for me to stay away from this girl.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Hey, the hottie your infatuated with popped a zit and stunk up the bathroom something fierce....now let that imagery bring you back to earth.

My work here is done.


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