# If your Spouse became Ill How Long Do You think you Could you Go Without Sex?



## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I'm just curious, how many spouses has dealt with being married to someone and his or her libido is shot because of physical and or mental health. Could you stay with that spouse? Could you go without physical sex for a few days? Weeks? Months? Or years? And I'm also curious to know the ones that couldnt' take it anymore that possibly left, divorce or in some cases cheated. 

Thank you for your time.

-Kris


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## nicky1 (Jan 20, 2012)

this question has as many answers as couples, firstly is the sex you are talking about just the penetration part or the whole thing, surely they can use hands or mouth or something to keep up some form of physical intimacy never 3rd party, this will help healing too, never give up on wanting to please each other in that way.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Well, when my husband was going through withdrawals from antidepressants, his libido was all over the place. High/Low, and it would change quite drastically in a moments' notice. We dealt with it as best we could. I set aside feelings of rejection for that time being, because I knew what he was going through, and I was also willing to accommodate him when he needed it. So, I guess not technically an illness, it did affect our sex life, and things were tricky for a few weeks. I was okay with it, but I'm not sure how I would feel in thr long haul - for months or more. I don't think I'd ever cheat on him, but I do know I would become frustrated after a time and we would have to discuss alternatives. If he were very very ill, with a serious illness, I could definitely relax my attitude towards needing sex - but it would depend on what he was going through - and the extent of his capabilities to function otherwise. I would probably be more focused on what I could do to help him be comfortable instead of worrying about sex...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Thanks for the post, but I was looking also for people who were care takers it is a different animal that is hard to describe. But thanks for the post as for you you were lucky to only deal with it for weeks at a time. As for the long haul it is very very difficult to say the least.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I have had some serious medcal problems including cancer. My wife hung in there. It still causes me anxiety (return of cancer is always on my mind) and it can make it difficult to function. 

I told my wife that if it got to the point that I could not take care of her sexually that she was free to get taken care of elsewhere but certain rules applied. No mouth kissing, no sleepovers (just get it and then come home) and lastly I didn't want to know who it was. 

All I want is for her to be happy and fulfilled.


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## GROWNMAN23 (Jan 6, 2012)

krismimo said:


> I'm just curious, how many spouses has dealt with being married to someone and his or her libido is shot because of physical and or mental health. Could you stay with that spouse? Could you go without physical sex for a few days? Weeks? Months? Or years? And I'm also curious to know the ones that couldnt' take it anymore that possibly left, divorce or in some cases cheated.
> 
> Thank you for your time.
> 
> -Kris


That is a great question. We live in a world that makes you feel like your not really a family or a couple when you not married. That puts pressure on people to get married who have no bizz doing so. 

I would personally would follow my vow's and stick out with my wife. I will most likely be on Xvideos.com every night though.


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## marriedinpei (Jan 15, 2012)

I would stick it out with her and masturbating. Which is exactly what has been happening since the end of October 2011, even though my wife is healthy, well, except for her libido.


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## studley (Oct 19, 2011)

Pretty similar to "marriedinpei" . We haven't had any sort of sex for 2 years. She has no interest in sex, partly due to libido-killing meds as well as Alzhemiers.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

This hits home with me.

2006 it took the doctors 3 entire months to figure out my gallbladder stopped working. I was curled up in a ball on the couch the whole time. My mom came over to take care of my kids and house. Had surgery, took a month to get back to normal.

2008 I broke my neck(herniated 3 discs with spinal cord compression). Took them 6 months before surgery. The pain was excruciating. After surgery, the pain subsided somewhat, but to this day is still very severe. I'm in pain management and I use ice daily on my neck. They left the two less herniated discs alone. Yay... NOT. It took me 2 years to adjust and accept the pain. I was able to somewhat resume sex once I was 100% healed from surgery which was 6 months. Our sex life wasn't fabulous until mid-late 2011.

2012 three weeks ago I ended up in the hospital for a 5 night stay with a MASSIVE kidney infection, which I still have today. My kidney pain is bad and I have had a fever these last three weeks. I've been on 3 antibiotics and I go back Monday for a new one. I only have one kidney, so they better hurry and fix it before it causes permanent problems! We've only had sex once, but I've been asking for more. Hubby has been really busy and working late with his part time business, I'm grateful for the extra cash! It actually hurts my insides now to have sex, so we must take it easy. 

My husband is very patient. He worries much more about my health and how I'm feeling vs getting laid. He's a real sweet man!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedinpei (Jan 15, 2012)

That is a very touching post - thanks for sharing that. In sickness and in health ...

All the best for your health - you and your hubby sound like great people!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

The Washington Post Magazine had an article about this A family learns the true meaning of the vow “in sickness and in health” - The Washington Post.

Short summary is that husband's heart attack caused brain damage and left him mentally a child. After caring for him for some time, she met someone at a reunion. She divorced her first husband and remarried, but continues to care for her first husband, who is in assisted living. 

Interesting read, and certainly caused my wife and I to really talk about what we would want for ourselves and each other in this situation.


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## Wantsmore (Sep 13, 2011)

I am a devoted husband and would do everything for my wife. Sex is also a huge part of who I am. I do have a high drive and if my wife were not able to do much of anything to do with sex, I would be ok for a while. I would look after things myself for a while.

After maybe 6 months I would have to have something. I would be open about it and discuss it but I would have a NSA FWB. I wouldn't be able to handle it.


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## Well_Spouse (Feb 2, 2011)

Longer than you think. 

The process of caring for a spouse with a disability or long term illness is not easy. But it can be done. There are plenty of folks with more difficult rows than ours.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

my wife has depression and this has been on going for a while, onlyy sex 5 times in 3 years and nothing in the last 6 months.

i do agree with Nicky1 comment of surely the other partner who is sick can help out using their hands or wahtever but NO.

anyway after trying to help her with depression and feeling like getting no help with sex issue i had cyber sex no release some stress/sexual energy and got caught. now she says im a cheater...


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Wow thank you all for your input. I decided to put this up because this is what I'm going through and I wanted to come and bring up this subject without feeling judged. The whole through sickness and health part I understand whole heartedly. You just hope nothing bad happens and most of the time were not really fully prepared until something happens. I appreciate your honesty. It is not an easy thing to talk about and as I mean for sex I also meant intimacy and I wanted to show how sex and or intimacy does play an important part in a relationship.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

krismimo said:


> Thanks for the post, but I was looking also for people who were care takers it is a different animal that is hard to describe. But thanks for the post as for you you were lucky to only deal with it for weeks at a time. As for the long haul it is very very difficult to say the least.


Krismimo: 1st I want to say...My heart goes out to you, and all you are dealing with at home. I can not even imagine....










This subject is very very very emotional, it touches a raw nerve with many, rarely is it discussed before it happens. Thankfully most of us never have to experience this question in this lifetime. 

I feel that many are quick to judge those who are are struggling with a Caretaking role - if/when the Caretaker expresses feeling "weak", lonliness overtaking them, they feel noone can relate to their silent pain, after all, they are healthy & well bodied... but they are missing what once "was" with a screaming intensity, they feel hopeless, drowning....

....had these same people got a taste, walked in such shoes, LIVED that for a time (not a temporary situation)- being the one who is the Giver, who had to learn to be near 100% selfless, I really feel much more compassion would be given, even sympathetic to some wayward thoughts .... it is easy to throw "vows" in another's face, remind them in sickness & in health -- but sadly this does not dissolve what has truly been "lost"- this attitude only throws a cold bucket of guilt, feeling more alone, more ashamed for having feelings, more unworthy to open & share their pain. If only we all could suspend our easy lives & just imagine what it would be like to walk in anothers shoes. 









Not that you have had many responses such as this- though I felt GrownMan's was such......."That puts pressure on people to get married who have no bizz doing so." 

I have never been in this situation, but I can tell you.... there is nothing in this life I fear MORE than something like this happening to me or my husband.....I can tear up within moments just "thinking" about such a fate befalling us....One of the reasons to live NOW & enjoy every waking moment -when life is GOOD, to never never take it for granted. 

Do I feel I could handle it .... in honesty...not when I am in my sexual "prime", feeling young vibrant & physcially very much alive.... when I am older & expect our bodies to wane & fall apart.... I do believe I could handle it...so for me, It depends on the season in my life. 

I have read stories on forums, one in particular I will never forget, I was sitting here......balling like a baby.... this one wife , she literally HATED herself, her husband was sick, cancer, prostate surgery, they once had a beautiful marraige, that vibrant sex life....since his surgery, he lost his spirit, he wanted nothing to do with sex- or her, he was repulsed by her touches, she felt rejection every day, (for him)-every touch from her was something he failed at.... he gave up on life, she was struggling so hard with her feelings, the desires that never left her, she just wanted him back , to touch her again, but what was -was no more. He was ABLE to do so much more -but his self esteem was shot so low, he was a different man, a hollow man, to give to another- to care about her needs, also blown to the wind... She still craved to be touched, held, loved , it was not his fault (which only makes these things more difficult).... but she still felt young & alive, it was killing her.....it was a burden she never thought she would live, she was falling under its weight very fast, thinking about other men, wanting to be fullfilled again.....but what could she do, to go outside the marraige, to divorce him when he is sick.... how could she look herself in the mirror... that is the dilemma. How could her friends look at her & feel she was a good person -if she fell so low. 

This is a death of what "*was*". When I think of "caretaker" role, I immediately think "Paraplegic"...in such a case, there is no arms, there is no feeling.....even pleasure is a gift we take for granted. 

Then (like this woman's story)....even if you have the arms & the feeling to still enjoy touch/physical pleasure.... many who are ill, it takes such a hit on their self esteem/egos - or they are in so much pain, they want nothing to do with sexual intimacy ever again, you could move heaven & earth , but they have allowed their spirits to die with the illness/ disease. 

Books have been written for those who are willing to work with each other -but can no longer have intercourse...this is one.... Amazon.com: Let Me Count the Ways: Discovering Great Sex Without Intercourse (9780874779561): Marty Klein, Riki Robbins: Books

(Sorry this is so darn long!) 

I did a thread on this very subject about 2 yrs ago - I deleted it a while back. Me & my husband have talked about this subject at length....This British heartbreaker got us talking..."Breaking the Waves" 

Amazon.com: Breaking the Waves: Emily Watson, Stellan Skarsgård, Katrin Cartlidge, Jean-Marc Barr, Adrian Rawlins, Jonathan Hackett, Sandra Voe, Udo Kier, Mikkel Gaup, Roef Ragas, Phil McCall, Robert Robertson, Desmond Reilly, Sarah Gudgeon, Finlay W

..... it was about a newly married couple who was very much in love, she was a virgin, very religious, very young, very niave. He was her 1st, he showed her how beautiful making love/passion was, she was never happier in her life, then shortly after...he gets completely paralyzed in an Oil rigging accident.The movie was very very disturbing. He doesn't want to live, he feels helpless & a burden.... he wants her to be able to make love to other men, and tells her if she does this that it might heal him. She does not want to do this, but she believes what he says to be true. She would literally do anything he asked her to do, even to the detriment to her own life. He then wanted her to report back to him about all of her affairs, like he was there in spirit with them. Others saw this as abuse. I don't know, it gave him something to live for. The ending is even more disturbing. So very very intense & RAW this movie was. 

....Me & mine talked about an hour afterwards & a # of times since then..... he knows my heart, he also knows I could not handle that situation.... I would be reduced to a bastetcased depressed woman, I would be the one who needed help... ....(I feel all Caretakers need other activities in thier life- an escape, friends, some need counseling)....

My husband feels it is MORE LOVING to allow your spouse the freedom to go out & take a Lover... under those circumstances (thankfully very rare). Though he would ask me to take care of him, he would NOT want me to divorce him or leave him. I cried when he told me this. How is this NOT LOVING? Doesn't mean I would take advantage of such a deep sacrifice on his part, but just knowing he cares THAT much for MY Happiness & Fullfillment is worth more than something I can even express. What a beautiful man, in his own pain, he would be thinking of me.... just knowing I had that option... somehow would make it more barable to cope every day. 

MY feelings are the same ....I also would allow my husband this freedom as well, I would NOT want to be a burden, I hate the near thought of it. He says he would never, as his hand would be enough . Love him for that, but I can't say I would be as content as him (just being honest!)



Stonewall said:


> I have had some serious medcal problems including cancer. My wife hung in there. It still causes me anxiety (return of cancer is always on my mind) and it can make it difficult to function.
> 
> I told my wife that if it got to the point that I could not take care of her sexually that she was free to get taken care of elsewhere but certain rules applied. No mouth kissing, no sleepovers (just get it and then come home) and lastly I didn't want to know who it was.
> 
> All I want is for her to be happy and fulfilled.


Stonewall, never ceases to amaze me -how much you are like my husband ! When I read your post, It is what compelled me to put my own thoughts on this thread... I near wrote a book !


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, I have chronic pain in my pelvic area due to endometriosis and IBS (which is from my endo because of lesions, etc). I had surgery a year ago, but I think it's back as the pain is back. I'm seeing a doc in March and hopefully get into a specialist soon. Probably need another surgery.

During my cycle, the pain is so bad, I just curl up and cry. Nothing more I can do. Hubs is very good to me and takes care of me. Why would he mention sex for those 5 days I feel like dying? he's not a Neanderthal!

Hubs has chronic pain from a botched groin hernia surgery. He is managing it well with different shoes, floor pads for work, etc...but sometimes he just wants to sit and not move. Why would i bother him for sex?

We have a good sex life...we've gone no more than 2 weeks without it (after birth and after surgery), but there were real reasons why there was no sex.

If Hubs was in a horrible accident and couldn't have sex, or got sick and didn't want sex....what can i do? yea, it would suck, but holy crap...I hope my head wasn't that far up my ass that I couldn't see that sex isn't the only thing to worry about. If he got sick with something incurable, I'd be making memories with him and trying to hold on to every moment.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Krismimo: 1st I want to say...My heart goes out to you, and all you are dealing with at home. I can not even imagine....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Same here SA. You sound exactly like my wife in so many ways. If fact you and your husbands entire relationship seem to be an astounding parallel to me and my wife's.

Well they say everyone has a twin somewhere!


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

This is a tough question because it also involves how intimacy is handled between the couple in ways that are not just sexual. I think that a bond between partners can be very strong if it is nurtured and that there are other ways to achieve that connection that don't involve actual sex. Sometimes an embrace or holding hands or kissing can reinforce that kind of connection well enough (while leaving the spouse who is in need of an orgasmic release to take care of it on his/her own). Communication has to be really good, I think, for this kind of thing to work.

Personally, I'm a very sexual person and if I had my choice with EH, I'd want him a couple of times a day. But, we did the LDR thing for many many years and I've gone two years without just so I wouldn't cheat on him, but it took a whole lot of strength and resolve and fantasy and self-sufficiency; but my love for him was greater than my physical cravings. When he became ill and had no energy for anything, we'd go several weeks without it, at one point even went like 2 months. It was tough for me, and I felt doubly betrayed when I found out later that it was just a cover for avoiding intimacy with me because he was having affairs. However, he and I have been separated now for almost five months and I doubt I would even consider being with someone else until our situation is resolved and no longer in limbo; in part, the illness he actually does have is contributing to the separation, so...it really just depends. 

To be honest, if I were ill and couldn't perform and my EH needed to get it elsewhere, I'd have been okay with it as long as he was being safe and as long as I knew I took priority over a sex partner who merely provided physical needs. It's different when there's division of loyalties, lack of communication, and emotional infidelity mixed in and different people handle those things differently. I think it must depend to some extent on the "love languages" and the emotional needs of the individuals involved, so it's really variable and there's no one answer that works for everyone.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

My H and I talked about this. Both sets of our parents are at the point where one of them has dementia and the other is the primary caregiver. That made us think and talk about what our expectations would be if we became like that, or if we had a debilitating illness or accident before we were so aged.

You never know, of course, what the future holds, nor do you know how you will react when it unfolds before you. Sometimes people find tremendous amounts of strength within themselves to be able to handle horrible situations and to keep going. Sometimes they don't.

We both agreed, that as long as we were able to care for the other, we would try with all we had in us. It wouldn't matter whether there was no sex or not. Neither one of us would want to go off and get it somewhere else - because sex is not about a release to either one of us, it is about the intimacy that we share and that binds us together.

Taking care of an ill spouse, while it may be incredibly difficult, is also a kind of intimacy that binds you together. You hold the comfort of their daily life and their well-being in your very hands - there is nothing more intimate than that.

We also agreed that if it involved our mental faculties, that we would only go so long as we were capable of handling it - and if we had to put one or the other in a care facility because more skilled care was needed, we would.

Neither one of us like the idea about divorcing/remarrying if one of us became infirm. But, I did tell him that in my heart I simply could never divorce him and marry someone else if he were the one who became infirm. I would be faithful to him until the end. And I told him that if I was the one who became infirm, he could divorce me if he needed to, because I would want him to be happy. He said that would never make him happy, so he would not do it.

I hope that we never get to the point where we have to make those kinds of decisions. But, it is important to talk about those things - especially as you start to get to mid-life and you see the effects of aging and infirmity in your parents, and you start to see it in yourself.


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## jekyllnhyde (Jan 28, 2012)

It's been since '96 when the wedding cake mede her sick...


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## Spock (Jan 26, 2012)

If my wife was ill/incapacitated, I could go without sex at least for a few years. After that I don't know, I can't really predict myself so far into the future and I may wander.


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## Covertx (Feb 3, 2012)

As my wife is in th early stages of an incurable disease this topic sparked some interest for me. I would say that if my wife was in a short term situation such as a year long rehab, or a situation where we knew that we would be able to continue our sex lives, or adjust our sex life to be mutually fulfilling eventually, then I would be willing to obstain from sex. I can't imagine the crushing feeling of not only dealing with the current issues but also worrying or dealing with your partners unfulfilled sexual needs.

However, if my wife or I was unable to ever have sex again, then I would want to discuss the possibilities with her of ways to fulfill our sexual needs. I can't say what that would entail as I haven't had the conversation yet. From my perspective I think I would rather we hire an escort for her in my home and with me there, i would be able to handle it. Although my wife usually climexs without penetration, so sex might possibly not be a need for her. I would think I could still be happy as long as I knew we still loved each other. If she was the one unable to have sex, then I would want her perspective on what she would be the most comfortable with as far having sex with a partner outside the marriage. Although at (27) it feels like sex is a life need, it's possible that my perspective will change if/when anything does god forbid happen to one of us. Overall I think I would be open to either of us continuing to have sex with other partners if the other was never going to be able to again. I don't feel like this would break our vows to love and care for each other as long as both shall live.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

If my fiancee couldn't have sex due to illness/injury for the rest of his life, I'd masturbate. I would never go get another partner, even if he gave permission to do so.

If I was unable to have sex due to illness/injury for the rest of my life, I'd want him to do whatever made him happy. I'd please him in whatever way I could.


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## ReasonableMan (Oct 18, 2011)

I haven't dealt with this situation myself, but hypothetically I just couldn't turn my back on my wife over that. She's so much more to me than something physical. I don't pretend that that isn't important, but I'd never leave or cheat or anything else detrimental to her or to our marriage because she was unable to do that. I'm sorry that you've struggled with this situation and hope things turn out well.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I know I could deal with it for years ...now. But not when I was younger. 

Many people can go years without sex but it has absolutely nothing to do with virtue, love or commitment, but they simply have a moderate or non-existent sex drive. 

As for a spouse's sexual behaviour under such stress, I really wouldn't feel qualified to praise or condemn someone else.


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