# Hall Pass for Wife



## Mr.M (Jun 6, 2015)

Hello,

My wife and I got together when we were pretty young, I was ~19 and she ~17. We've been together for about 11 years, married for 6, and we have a lovely 1 year old daughter. Our marriage is good, great in fact. She's gorgeous, we're a perfect match for each, our daughter is the best thing ever...I just feel very lucky for the life we have. 

Here's the thing -- we got together early in life and have been monogamous ever since. Neither of us was very sexually experienced when it happened. Being a few years older than her, I at least had a chance to sleep with a few women before we got together, but she was a virgin. Recently she's been having a sort of mid-life crisis. She was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes a few years after we got together (has had it for 7-8 years now) and while I don't believe she is at her half-way point in life, she fears that she is. It's been making her think about the things she hasn't done, and may never be able to do in this life.

We have a very honest and trusting marriage. She has told me that one of those things is knowing what it's like to sleep with someone else. I know she wouldn't go out and sleep with someone behind my back, but that being said, I don't want her to live (and eventually die) having regrets like that...especially one's that have to do with our relationship. We know we were lucky to find each other, and in a lot a ways lucky to have done it so early in life, but I don't want her to wonder if it happened _too_ early, you know?

Today, I began thinking about the possibility of giving her a pass to sleep with someone else. I want her to be happy more than anything, and while part of me thinks it might be a mistake, another part of me thinks that this is exactly the reason why we are right for each other. I consider myself a pretty evolved person. I honestly think that I could be okay with doing this so long as we approach it the right way, have certain rules in place, etc. But I'm uncertain. I have doubts, fears. What if she does it and starts to cheat because she liked it a little too much? What if she does it, doesn't like it, and is left with nothing but a guilt that never goes away (she's that type of person)? What if she does it and I start to resent her? Would doing something like this ruin our relationship or reassert just how special and amazing it is? 

If you've done this, tell me your story. Do you have any advice? What would be some good rules to have? What's a good way to approach it?


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

A whole lot of what ifs for good reason. Bad idea.


----------



## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

I have slept with exactly one man...my spouse. I am 42 which is really probably at the middle of my life. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that this has nothing to do with a midlife crisis. She wants to bang another man because she is curious but know this...when she does...you can never come back from that again. It changes how she sees herself, how she sees you and how you see her. Monogamy isn't a suggestion in case someone didn't get to sow their wild oats...it is a commitment. If she wants to puck another man, know that it is because she has changed in her feelings for you...do not be a dupe. Do not let her manipulate you with stories about diabetes and midlife crises...this is absurd! She is an awesome manipulator....don't let her destroy your marriage or your self respect or hers. IMHO this is like driving off a cliff because you think you have a flying car.


----------



## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

If you do this, be prepared to give up your marriage the way it is now.

Good luck.


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Divorce first. Then she can sleep with whomever she wants. Tell her you guys can meet up a year later and see if there is any desire to get back together.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

The best thing I can tell you is don't even bring up the subject If she brings up the subject again, ask her how she would feel if you asked her that question. Put a halt to this now before it becomes a real problem. If you go through with this, then all your doing is asking for a ton of trouble.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Kitt said:


> If she wants to puck another man, know that it is because she has changed in her feelings for you.


Exactly.


----------



## Mr.M (Jun 6, 2015)

jorgegene - Yeah there are a lot of what-ifs. I'm not sure if that alone is enough to kill the idea, but it would be foolish not to seriously consider them.

Kitt - I hope I didn't paint my wife in the wrong picture. Your response sort of caught me off guard because it sounds nothing like her, but I suppose there is now way for you to get the full story from that post. You'll just have to take my word for it when I say that I know her very well, and that this issue is more existential than simply getting some strange. And it's not just about sex either, it's about a lot of things (ex. her career) that people often use to define their lives. Try to keep an open mind about who she is, as I am realizing now that without the proper context she might seem a little suspect based on the nature of my question.

Nobel 1 - What do you mean by "the way it is now"?

Holdingontoit - I think you may have misunderstood. We aren't having those types of problems (we've had those types of problems before, but this isn't that). This is something different. I'm finding it hard to articulate what I mean, but this doesn't seem like a "relationship" problem, if that makes sense.

6301 - That's why I've come here first. I don't want to even put the idea out there unless I'm prepared to follow it through. Just to be clear though, she didn't ask for a hall pass...in fact, I'm betting she'd be floored to even find out I was considering it. But you can tell this is not simply her testing the waters on the idea of extramarital sex, it really does seem like a self-crisis of some sort. One thing I'm certain of is that "shutting it down" or otherwise trying to suppress these feelings is not going to help. It won't make the feelings go away, it'll just make her question whether she feels safe enough to be honest with me about it. And that is one of the most important pillars of our relationship, feeling safe enough to be truly honest with one another without fear of backlash. 

The Phoenix (and Kitt again, I suppose) - I'd disagree, if for no other reason than life is rarely that black and white. But I'll take it for what it is, I'm sure there are good reasons behind why you feel this way.


----------



## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

Let me ask you this....what is it you think she will gain from having sex with another man? I am aware life is not black or white....but since we are talking about your life, you may want to be sure you understand that too. Having pivotal experiences like sex with other people outside of marriage changes who you are....not even trying to paint that as black or white. What is it she is searching for? What do you think she wants?What are you going to get out of this?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I swear this is almost an exact duplicate post.

She has the gold medal right now if relationships were an Olympic event.

If she goes out to get banged like a cheap piece of ass, because that is all she would be to the idiot that wanted to paste her birth canal knowing he would be fvcking a wife and mother, then she would be lowering herself for some idiotic concept that getting used as a cheap piece of ass had some redeeming value.

That is not even qualifying for a marriage if it were an Olympic event.

Can you answer what some ******* having his dyck in the mother of your child benefits your wife, your child, you?

Is some jerk's dyck got some great spiritual awakening as he pumps your wife? Is your dyck lacking in some metaphysical manner?

If you can't tell, I don't think pimping your wife out like a used pork chop for some idiot to bang is a valuable concept.

She won the relationship lottery except her H has some screwy ideas.

You sure you haven't been here before?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## france (Nov 19, 2011)

Mr.M said:


> Hello,
> 
> My wife and I got together when we were pretty young, I was ~19 and she ~17. We've been together for about 11 years, married for 6, and we have a lovely 1 year old daughter. Our marriage is good, great in fact. She's gorgeous, we're a perfect match for each, our daughter is the best thing ever...I just feel very lucky for the life we have.
> 
> ...


I after 20 year very happy marriage agreed for wife to spend a (evening !) with her ex as she was curios and I honestly felt our marriage was that strong and would help show trust and respect for our needs and desires. we are now getting devoiced ! It worst thing I have ever dn. DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Mr.M said:


> She has told me that one of those things is knowing what it's like to sleep with someone else.
> 
> Today, I began thinking about the possibility of giving her a pass to sleep with someone else... I honestly think that I could be okay with doing this so long as we approach it the right way, have certain rules in place, etc.


Depending on from who the idea came:

1. It is really you who want her to sleep with other men, aka cuckold.

2: She already has someone in mind, with a chance she already slept with him or is going to.

Either way this is going to end bad.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Mr.M said:


> Hello,
> 
> My wife and I got together when we were pretty young, I was ~19 and she ~17. We've been together for about 11 years, married for 6, and we have a lovely 1 year old daughter. Our marriage is good, great in fact. She's gorgeous, we're a perfect match for each, our daughter is the best thing ever...I just feel very lucky for the life we have.
> 
> ...


You might be surprised.


----------



## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Yeah and you can shave her, pick out her date clothes and clean up the mess the bull made when she comes home.


----------



## Mr.M (Jun 6, 2015)

Kitt - If I had to guess, I think maybe she feels like she skipped over that part of life that so many other people have had, being able to experience different partners. Being the husband, I obviously am not thrilled by that idea, but as a human being and a realist I don't think it's an unreasonable feeling to have given her situation. In fact, I think it'd be more concerning if she claimed to have never thought about it (as that would surely be a lie). As for what's to gain, I'd say the goal would be the peace of mind of knowing that she's not 'missing out' on anything. After all, we've done a lot of experimenting in our time; every position in the karma sutra, plenty of oral, more anal than she'd ever admit to, some mild bondage, variety of sex toys/costumes, sketchy public 'rendezvous', you name it. 

ConanHub - ...

France - Ouch. Yeah the ex thing doesn't sound like a good idea. There's going to be some preexisting emotional stuff tangled up with that. Sorry man.

See_Listen_Love - 1. Yep, but that doesn't necessarily mean she didn't have the same idea. 2. Highly doubt it, but then again I would probably think the same thing if I was in your shoes. 

GusPolinski - Good surprised or bad surprised?

dash74 - I understand the kneejerk reaction to the idea (wtf indeed) but sometimes I find it strange why people get so touchy about sex...probably some biological throwback that's still hardwired in our brains somewhere. Sex is only as big of a deal as we make it, and while I would be lying to say I don't care if she has sex with someone else, with the right approach and rules I don't think I'd be too bothered by a one-timer (especially if it means that much to her). Yes, that's how much I love her. It's enough for me to put aside my monkey-man pride and do something altruistic for my wife. I find it concerning that it's so hard for people to understand that notion...


----------



## agugxidona (Jun 6, 2015)

A whole lot of what ifs for good reason.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You both sound so juvenile, something like this could wreck your marriage. You think you will be able to handle but it will destroy you. Why not try and spice up your sex life instead, go see a sex therapist, sleeping with another man is not going to help your wife and you are stupid to even entertain the idea!


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Mr.M,

This is a bad idea for you. The mind movies you'll forever have in your head of her enjoying that intimacy with someone else will not be your friend.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have a little experience in this so let me put it this way.

I have found that when ever I let someone barrow my "stuff" it never comes back the way it left.

Before you know it guys stop asking and just take it.

Soon it comes back broken and it takes a long time and hard work to repair it.

After a while you might have to get a new one.

What sucks is i should have cherished it more and protected it then it would have lasted longer and would work a lot better.

At the end of the day guys really don't care what kind of condition they return your stuff as long as they get to us it.

So in your case do you really want your wife to come home feeling used but willing to get loaned out again and again?

Maybe you are the one one being used? Maybe you don't care how others return your stuff as long as they get to use it and that's what makes you happy?

I'm just telling you it's just a matter of time before you have to get a new one cuz the old one doesn't work for you any more!


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Nothing good will come of this decision to let her sleep with another man.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Mr. M,

If this is such as a simple thing, why don't you two simply divorce for a short time? 

I am not being facetious. If the two of you, are on the same page with sex with others, why be married?


----------



## Luxey (Jun 5, 2015)

IMO, your wife already has someone in mind. She's wants to keep you and get her jollies from another man - her cake and eat it too. Absolutely nothing good will come from your wife screwing another man. It's a recipe for disaster.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

In your situation, I think this is a very dangerous idea. She especially has no experience with dealing with the aftermath of past lovers and breakups, and has no idea how she would respond. (Frankly, you don't now how you will either, and could be very unpleasantly surprised in your reactions.) If you'd both had some prior sex partners or relationships, this would be a lot less risky - but you don't. In your situation, I think IC for her or MC might help get past this feeling of missing out.

If you decide not to heed the advice here (and I recommend you do listen to it), then the least risky path is for you both to participate so neither of you can point at or blame the other if things don't go well. By this, I mean join a swinger site and swap with another couple. And before ever pursuing that, thoroughly discuss all the pitfall and problems and things that could go wrong, and do some research. By then, you may well reconsider and decide it's not worth pursuing.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

While I don't condone swinging, I have studied it enough to know that it isn't compatible with a situation like this.

Also, this seems like a recurring post.

Almost identical to previous ones under different names.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your thought process is badly flawed. Here it is:
Wife didn't get to sew wild oats
Wife having a mid life crisis
Wife should have sex with someone else to get it out of her system
If I don't let her do this she will live with some deep longing or regret

These thought streams are cancers to your marriage. One year ago you DECIDED to bring a child into this world. All of this nonsensicial crap should have been considered before and not after.

She needs direction from you. She told you what she told you as a TEST of your MANHOOD and WORTHINESS of being a father to your child. The answer to this expressed desire is "WIfe, I give and require absolute fidelity in my marriage". Let her wrap her mind around and contemplate being a faithful wife rather than what she is currently wrappning her mind around (sex with others).

You will NEVER go wrong in requiring fidelity in your marriage. There is a very high probability that this turns out bad for your child if you allow it.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Did your wife come out and actually say she wants to try sleeping with others, or that she was just wondering or curious what that would be like? Because those are two totally different things. 

You need to sit down and TALK to your wife. Really talk to her and listen to what she has to say. She may have said those things lightly in the course of conversation because she feels comfortable with you, and is curious about what the experience would be like but would probably never ever follow through with it even if you allowed it. 

Or, she already has a guy or guys in mind and wants to do this and is waiting for your permission. If that is the case, then I say tell her no. Tell her you will divorce her, then she can go out and sleep with other s and you can also, then a few years down the line you can date again and maybe hook up again if you still find her attractive (which you won't, after she has been railed by twenty guys). 

Or, you are interested in the Hotwife/cuckold lifestyle and you are on the wrong site asking the opinions of the wrong people.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Once you let the genie out of the bottle, it's hard to put it back in.....there will be no one time thing. And your an idiot if you think otherwise


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Mr.M said:


> Hello,
> 
> My wife and I got together when we were pretty young, I was ~19 and she ~17. We've been together for about 11 years, married for 6, and we have a lovely 1 year old daughter. Our marriage is good, great in fact. She's gorgeous, we're a perfect match for each, our daughter is the best thing ever...I just feel very lucky for the life we have.
> 
> ...


The kiss of death for a marriage.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I never understood the need to have numerous sexual partners if the one you have now is good.


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

If you want your wife to respect you and be glad she married you, tell her the following: I do not share my wife with other men. If you want to sleep with other men, then you can't be my wife. Let me know if you want to sleep with someone else so I can call my lawyer."


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Mr.M said:


> GusPolinski - Good surprised or bad surprised?


Depends I guess. Would you be surprised to learn that you wife had cheated/is cheating on you? If so, would that be good or bad for you?


----------



## tenac (Jun 3, 2015)

She's not halfway through her life, at worst she'll lose 10-12 years off of an average life expectancy of around 75.

As far as giving her the opportunity to bang someone else, why not arrange a 3some?

Then you can keep an eye on things. Maybe she's always been curious about being with a woman? In which case this could be a big win for you.


----------



## Mr.M (Jun 6, 2015)

aine - I don't think I'd be a caring partner if I didn't at least entertain the idea. Doesn't mean that I agree with it or that the idea is good, but I don't see how not thinking about something is the intelligent approach to a problem.

secondtimeround - That's what I'm worried about.

theguy - Those are good points. I do worry that she'd come back different in some way...I'm actually more concerned with how she'd feel than what I'd feel. She seems like the type that may come back ashamed/guilty and not ever be able to truly moved past it. But I have no idea, these are completely uncharted waters for us.

morituri - A marriage is (or should be) more than simply having "dibs" on a sex partner, so your question doesn't make sense to me. Why not get a divorce? Because we love each other, that's why. I love her enough to care about how she feels, even when it comes to difficult subjects like this one. Again, doesn't mean I'm going to go through with this but I have a lot of empathy for her. I understand why she might feel like she's missing out on something, and anyone who is being honest with themselves would understand too. 

Luxey - I honestly don't think she already has someone in mind.

Married but Happy - Thank you for that well-reasoned response. You're right, she hasn't really dealt with that stuff before and who knows how she'd handle it. She's a sensitive person, too, I have a feeling it wouldn't be good.

Conanhub - This is the first time I've ever talked about this (not just in a forum, but in general). Can you send me a link to the other topic...I wonder if its my wife.

Hicks - Yes, the implications for the child are one of my largest concerns. I mean, I obviously don't like the idea of another man having sex with my wife, but anything that would come back around and hurt my daughter is a deal breaker. I'm pretty good at putting my loved ones before my own feelings, which is why I think I was able to consider this idea, but the child comes first. Thank you for the comment.

bandit.45 - No, she didn't come out and ask, just admitted that she wondered what it was like. I think you're right though, I'm not even sure if the core issue is sex or if that is just a manifestation of a more general issue of self-identity and dreading one's own mortality. I get the distinct impression that she isn't just looking for permission to cheat, I think it's one of those pangs people get when they have those anti-epiphanies of life (i.e. I'll never be rich, be famous, etc., you know what I'm talking about). Sometimes it really sinks in hard and freaks you out. 

Xenote - I'm afraid of that too, especially if it turns out to be a pleasant experience for her. In fact, this sort of seems like there is no good outcome here. If she likes it, then she'll probably want to do more of it and it may make the issue worse. If she doesn't like it, then she has sacrificed something very special for nothing and there is no going back. Both of those are pretty ****ty outcomes.

jorgegene - I think its because she has no point of reference. She can't really know for sure that there isn't anything special about multiple sex partners when she has never experienced that in her life. And the fact that shes will never be allowed to probably just makes that doubt worse. I haven't slept with many women, but I've slept with enough to feel at peace with my monogamy and to know that the sex I'm having now is great! But if I were in her shoes, and I had never had that confirmation of knowing what it was like to sleep with someone else, I would be wondering about it to. We all would -- she is just honest enough with me to admit it. 

Holdingontoit - While I understand the sentiment, and that your underlying point is valid, you've also left no room for dialog. That's not good. There should always be good reasons behind your position on a topic like this, and those reasons NEED to be communicated. If you rely on ultimatums instead of reasoning for working out problems, you'll eventually ruin the marriage.

tenac - That's what I was telling her. But if you're old enough you know how those things work, once that realization of mortality sinks its teeth into you, reason starts to fly right out the window. In any case, we've seriously considered threesomes before, both times with other women, but nothing ever materialized. In this case however I think I'd prefer that over the alternative. That being said, I think it's more about sleeping with another man and knowing what that's like, and I'm not sure I really want to see that up close and personal.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Why don't you just make the sex better? No offense but if she thinks she's missing out maybe the sex isn't that great for her. I've only been with my husband and I have no regrets.

ETA: Just to add, my husband loves that I've only been with him. I think most men think this way. Why don't you? Are you trying to find an excuse to also have a little on the side? If she does, then you can too?


----------



## tenac (Jun 3, 2015)

Mr.M said:


> tenac - That's what I was telling her. In any case, we've seriously considered threesomes before, both times with other women, but nothing ever materialized. In this case however I think I'd prefer that over the alternative. T


You "think" a threesome is preferrable to her screwing another guy?

Damn. That's like me saying I think a hot fudge sundae beats a hot poker in my eye.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MrM,
You ought to read - the road not taken - by Robert Frost
He gives this general topic a masterful treatment. 

This whole thread is about a theme that was not addressed well in the book the 5 love languages. The author embedded - sacrifice - in acts of service. But it's not an act of service. It's an entire dimension of love as you have so aptly demonstrated. 

In your shoes I might explore the 'what' rather than the 'who'. It's possible your wife wants to experience some side of her/your sexuality that she believes might be 'safer' with a stranger. 

There are a whole class of behaviors that produce a much more intense sexual experience for some women. At a glance you (and I) would consider that type behavior as ranging from inconsiderate to outright barbaric. This is conduct that is 180 degrees out of phase with our cultural programming. 

So the real question isn't - should you outsource that type of activity. Because in doing so (outsourcing), I believe that you are doing your wife a disservice. The real question is perhaps best framed as this. Can you create an environment where your wife tells you what she really wants - even if her desires make you VERY uncomfortable at first sight?

That's the path to traverse. And the best first step is to convince her that there's nothing she can tell you that is true, will make you love her less. 




Mr.M said:


> aine - I don't think I'd be a caring partner if I didn't at least entertain the idea. Doesn't mean that I agree with it or that the idea is good, but I don't see how not thinking about something is the intelligent approach to a problem.
> 
> secondtimeround - That's what I'm worried about.
> 
> ...


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Mr.M said:


> The Phoenix (and Kitt again, I suppose) - I'd disagree, if for no other reason than life is rarely that black and white. But I'll take it for what it is, *I'm sure there are good reasons behind why you feel this way.*


Probably because Kitt is a woman who knows how women feel and I am a former male escort who knows how women feel. Males or females who believe cheating spouses are still crazy in love with them need to examine the facts.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Swingers usually have developed the taste before marriage and find like minded people. They are a small percent of the population but a large percent of successful swingers.

Having a successful monogamous marriage and then wanting to have another man in her because she thinks she missed out on something is a damn disaster.

Tell her to research here if she wants confirmation. We have all types here and I am positive that the consensus will be that she isn't missing out on anything other than being treated like a cheap bang. 

She has it good.

Also, you are almost a clone of more than one poster from the past.

You also resemble several literotica stories almost verbatim.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your wife isn't missing out on anything. And if she is, how is that your responsibility? Your wife had opportunities before she met you. If she is a dollar short and a day late exploring her sexuality, how is that in any way your fault? Why do you think this is a problem of hers you have to fix. 

You have some very naive, pie-in-the sky ideas about what constitutes a devoted marriage. 

It is very noble of you to want to make the supreme sacrifice of letting another man or woman fvck your wife to show your love for her. But it is even more your responsibility to 
protect her and your marriage. 

She is a sensitive, loving woman. Yeah yeah we get that. But you know what? She is also a wife and mother, and with those roles come responsibilities. With those roles comes sacrifice and dedication. If she is up for neither, then she is a piss poor mom and wife. 

A good mother does not think about destabilizing her child's family and security just to scratch an itch. A good wife does not think about hurting and damaging her husband. 

You need to rethink your priorities my friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Mr.M said:


> tenac - That's what I was telling her. But if you're old enough you know how those things work, once that realization of mortality sinks its teeth into you, reason starts to fly right out the window. In any case, we've seriously considered threesomes before, both times with other women, but nothing ever materialized. In this case however I think I'd prefer that over the alternative. That being said, I think it's more about sleeping with another man and knowing what that's like, and I'm not sure I really want to see that up close and personal.


HA! I knew it. The threesome has been brought up in the past. With another woman, (of course). I'm sure it was shot down by your wife and now you're trying to find a work around.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Soccermom! You don't think?..... NO!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

1-800-D-Lawyers. Schedule before the main event and save 10%.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Really? Your wife just woke up one day and thought "Wow, I've been diabetic for 7 or 8 years now. I've got to get me some strange before it's all gone."

Someone is pulling someone's leg.


----------



## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

From the OPs posts, I'm not so sure the wife wants anything....she probably just made a passing comment on her mortality and in his mind it was the perfect opportunity to fulfill his threesome fantasy by introducing "mortality" sex. This has nothing to do with her and everything to do with him getting some threesome action. It is crystal clear now......

OP, if you want advice about your own desires not being met, don't try to manipulate this forum into believing you are doing it for the oh, so noble cause of fulfilling your wife's bucket list. My guess your wife would be mortified at this thread.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

She did not tell you that she has already "kissed" the man of her dreams. By kiss, they have already started the A.

She just wants you on board in case she gets caught.

I hope you both start thinking about your little child.

So if she gets stds or pregnant from her pass, you are okay with that as well? Or she is in love with him and you get to pay alimony, child support and lose half of your stuff?

I just can't see being excited about all of this. So did you ask her when this subject came up, if you should get a DNA test on your child to see if you are the father?

Before you sign off on this mess, get the D ready and signed.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Kitt said:


> and in his mind it was the perfect opportunity to fulfill his threesome fantasy by introducing "mortality" sex. This has nothing to do with her and everything to do with him getting some threesome action. It is crystal clear now......


And/or watching. Rest assured its more for his benefit as for hers. When a guy sez he's doing something for her benefit, there something in it for him.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Mr.M said:


> I honestly think that I could be okay with doing this so long as we approach it the right way, have certain rules in place, etc. But I'm uncertain. I have doubts, fears. What if she does it and starts to cheat because she liked it a little too much? What if she does it, doesn't like it, and is left with nothing but a guilt that never goes away (she's that type of person)? What if she does it and I start to resent her? Would doing something like this ruin our relationship or reassert just how special and amazing it is?
> 
> If you've done this, tell me your story. Do you have any advice? What would be some good rules to have? What's a good way to approach it?


This could backfire in a lot of ways. Some you're thinking about and some you don't know until they arise. It sounds very risky. My guess is that trust and honesty are more important specific than the details. I think 9 of 10 people going into something like this are doing so naive yet everyone rationalizes why they're the ones who can make it work until it doesn't. In this case you and your wife have neither done something like this (I presume) so you don't know what you don't know yet.


----------



## Mr.M (Jun 6, 2015)

What the hell? You all totally took my comments and are now running with them to assume the worst about me and my wife. I'm not trying to scam my way into a threesome, my wife isn't already cheating on me, and child's DNA is not under question. Jesus christ.

soccermom2three - Naturally I don't like to think that my sex is lacking, I suppose it's a possibility. We have been in a bit of a rut since the child has come along. I'll need to talk to her about it. And FYI, she brought up the threesomes on both occasions, as well as picked out the women! Perhaps you can understand why I feel lucky to be with her and why I am trying to find ways to make her happy. I'd appreciate it if you stop trying to trash my character.

tenac - lol

mem11363 - That makes a lot of sense. It touches on the possibility that maybe there is something in our sex life that she feels is lacking. I'll have to talk to her about it.

ThePhoenix - Okay so now she's already cheating? And don't you think that, given your prior profession, that your 'facts' might be coming from a skewed sample of people...you know, as in 100% of them were actively seeking an escort? 

Blondilocks - Isn't that sort of how life crises tend to crop up? For whatever reason, you just get an epiphany of all of the things you haven't done in life, and may never do, and it causes you to panic. 

Kitt - Wow, you really know how to assume the worst about someone and run with it -- suddenly I'm the ******* with some master plan to use my wife's crisis as a way to sleep with another woman? If I were just looking to sleep with someone else, why would I risk my marriage by letting HER sleep with someone when I could just cheat? Makes no sense...

Thundarr - I have no idea what would happen if we did do something like this. Like you said, you don't know what you don't know.


----------



## Mr.M (Jun 6, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Also, you are almost a clone of more than one poster from the past.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can you send me a link to that topic? I'd like to check it out.



ConanHub said:


> You also resemble several literotica stories almost verbatim.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but I'm going to take that as a compliment.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Like I said, I've only been with my husband. If our sex life sucked, I guess I could see myself wondering if another man would be better at it and if I missed out. Just saying.


----------



## Mr.M (Jun 6, 2015)

soccermom2three said:


> Like I said, I've only been with my husband. If our sex life sucked, I guess I could see myself wondering if another man would be better at it and if I missed out. Just saying.


Noted.


----------



## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Yeah, Mr.M, they say that smart men learn from their mistakes, and wise men learn from the mistakes of others.

And then some guys just have to go experience life their own way.

So how about this- go ahead with plan A, see how you feel after your perfect wife has sex with another man, and then come on back and tell us what an awesome time you are having with it, and how much better your marriage is.

There is a reason that EVERYONE commenting here has recommended against your proposed course of action, and you seem bound and determined to ignore this rare case of everyone on TAM agreeing.

Which is curious in its own right, but whatever.

Just be sure to come back and tell us how cuckoldry feels.

Because there may be some people reading this thread, who are looking to learn from the mistakes of others......


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"If I were just looking to sleep with someone else, why would I risk my marriage by letting HER sleep with someone when* I could just cheat*? Makes no sense..."

You do realize that you would be risking your marriage if you did cheat, don't you? The phrase "I could just cheat" is vomit-inducing.

I don't know why a wife who loved her husband would (under any circumstances) bemoan the fact that she didn't get to sleep around before slipping that ring on her finger. You must have the hide of a rhinoceros to not be offended and hurt by that admission.


----------



## Mr.M (Jun 6, 2015)

NotLikeYou said:


> Yeah, Mr.M, they say that smart men learn from their mistakes, and wise men learn from the mistakes of others.
> 
> And then some guys just have to go experience life their own way.
> 
> ...


Don't get me wrong, the resounding and unanimous "DON'T DO IT" is not lost on me. Believe it or not, I'm much closer to the "no" side of the argument than the "yes" side than I was yesterday, but ironically it's in spite of the nastiness I've been receiving in this discussion.


----------



## Mr.M (Jun 6, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> You do realize that you would be risking your marriage if you did cheat, don't you? The phrase "I could just cheat" is vomit-inducing.


Sigh -- I was trying to use someone else's logic to show why their argument didn't make sense. If my end game was to sleep with someone else, as that person was assuming of me, then it would make much more sense for me to cheat than it would for me to allow my wife to sleep with someone else. Me pointing out that flaw in logic is not me endorsing the idea...yeesh. 



Blondilocks said:


> I don't know why a wife who loved her husband would (under any circumstances) bemoan the fact that she didn't get to sleep around before slipping that ring on her finger. You must have the hide of a rhinoceros to not be offended and hurt by that admission.


What can I say, I'm just a realist who's mature enough to handle the truth, even when it's ugly. I'm also empathetic enough to put myself in her shoes and understand where shes coming from.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Mr.M said:


> but ironically it's in spite of the nastiness I've been receiving in this discussion.


Honest to god, I don't mean to sound like an a-hole with this comment, but what the hell did you expect, asking this kind of question on a marriage forum? And one that attracts a high % of people who have been on the receiving end of infidelity?

It's like going on a parenting forum and asking people if they think you should cave into your already obese 7 year olds demands for bacon-wrapped candy for breakfast every morning because you feel like you want him to see you as a "good dad"...

If you're at all concerned with being a good HUSBAND, then you'll shoot down these so-called desires of hers. Because, duh, she'll probably respect you a HELL of a lot more than if you went the other way.

Great, she gets to see what it's like to nail some other dude (probably a huge let-down because he's NOT THE MAN SHE'S IN LOVE WITH...) and then 2 weeks later, she's wondering how her husband would actually allow, never mind actively encourage, something like that. Do you actually think she'll feel MORE loved than before? Doubtful. The reality is that she'll actually feel LESS loved and cherished and important.

Quick story - my ex wife suffered from TMJ (lockjaw), so that ruled out oral sex in our marriage. One day, totally out of the blue, she gave me "permission" to receive oral sex outside of the marriage.

Sounds awesome, right? Hell no. I thought "WTF???" And it made me feel like she didn't care, as opposed to actually caring SO much she'd sacrifice something like that for my benefit. Funny how that works, eh? Of course I missed BJ's, and of course I WANTED BJ's, but dear god, not at the expense of seeking them out from somebody who was not my wife! The sheer fact that she thought, even slightly, that I would be into something like that hurt.

The irony was that I would have respected her a whole hell of a lot more had she expressly forbidden me leaving the marriage for that sort of thing. "I'm sorry I can't do this for you, but I'm definitely not okay with you using that as an excuse to find it elsewhere." I probably would have hugged her and told her I loved her.

So, the moral of the story is that, just because she's talking about it, doesn't mean she actually wants it. Of course she wants to know what it's like to be with someone else, but that shipped has sailed. I missed a lot of boats, too, being married for the bulk of my adult life.

If I mentioned to my wife that I even slightly regretted not having more sex when I was younger and her response was to give me permission to go out and get some, I'd probably divorce her. Don't confuse regrets (which we all have) as something that's your responsibility to remedy for somebody else.

Sometimes being a good spouse is more than allowing your partner to do what he/she wants simply because they want to. If you go to McDonald's every day because your kid wants to, are you really a good parent? Maybe to him you are, at that moment, but when he's 25 years old, 300lbs and is addicted to garbage food, he'll probably blame you. And whatever respect he had for you at age 10, he'll no longer have at 25, because his dad didn't give 2 ****s about his health. But hey, you felt like a pretty awesome father for a few years there, right?


----------



## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Mr.M said:


> Sigh -- I was trying to use someone else's logic to show why their argument didn't make sense. If my end game was to sleep with someone else, as that person was assuming of me, then it would make much more sense for me to cheat than it would for me to allow my wife to sleep with someone else. Me pointing out that flaw in logic is not me endorsing the idea...yeesh.
> 
> 
> 
> What can I say, I'm just a realist who's mature enough to handle the truth, even when it's ugly. I'm also empathetic enough to put myself in her shoes and understand where shes coming from. I'm not surprised you don't understand, most people wouldn't. Too selfish, too jealous, too prideful and petty to allow those sorts of ideas in their head.


Thats fine man and the truth is she can have all her cake and you can have all the pie 

Look it's not my marriage or my values to old fashioned and not enlightened I guess, but the capitalist in me would be remised if I did not point out that maybe you can make a buck selling **** videos online <---- I'm a poet wooo


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Read this

http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Cr...TF8&qid=1433623703&sr=8-2&keywords=opening+up


----------



## Mr.M (Jun 6, 2015)

alexm said:


> Honest to god, I don't mean to sound like an a-hole with this comment, but what the hell did you expect, asking this kind of question on a marriage forum? And one that attracts a high % of people who have been on the receiving end of infidelity?
> 
> It's like going on a parenting forum and asking people if they think you should cave into your already obese 7 year olds demands for bacon-wrapped candy for breakfast every morning because you feel like you want him to see you as a "good dad"...
> 
> ...


^ best response by a mile, and I appreciate the straight-forwardness. You're right on every point, from what was to be expected from people at a marriage forum all the way down to the fast food analogy. To be honest, she seems better today and I think this whole idea may have been a bit premature on my end. I think she just was hit with a wave of existential realizations (one of which being that she'll never sleep with another man) and she was just opening up to me about them, getting them off her chest. 

If the issue comes up again, I know what my answer will be. Nothing good can come from it -- if she feels "renewed" then we've probably created a bigger problem for ourselves, not to mention potentially lose all respect for me in the process. If she feels disappointed (which is the more likely outcome) then she has lost something very special and can never get it back, and for what? That's a lose-lose scenario. Instead, I'd rather talk to her about what she thinks she might be missing, perhaps something she wants to try in bed but is afraid to ask. Perhaps she'd just like to role play, and we can meet up as "strangers" somewhere and have a one-night stand. Or maybe it's nothing more than a scared wife opening up to her husband. Whatever the case is, I can give her whatever she needs. She doesn't need to get it from somewhere else.

/topic


----------



## Mr.M (Jun 6, 2015)

dash74 said:


> Thats fine man and the truth is she can have all her cake and you can have all the pie
> 
> Look it's not my marriage or my values to old fashioned and not enlightened I guess, but the capitalist in me would be remised if I did not point out that maybe you can make a buck selling **** videos online <---- I'm a poet wooo


^ second best response.


----------



## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Mr.M said:


> ^ best response by a mile,


Actually the following is the best response



Holdingontoit said:


> Divorce first. Then she can sleep with whomever she wants. Tell her you guys can meet up a year later and see if there is any desire to get back together.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

alexm said:


> Honest to god, I don't mean to sound like an a-hole with this comment, but what the hell did you expect, asking this kind of question on a marriage forum? And one that attracts a high % of people who have been on the receiving end of infidelity?
> 
> It's like going on a parenting forum and asking people if they think you should cave into your already obese 7 year olds demands for bacon-wrapped candy for breakfast every morning because you feel like you want him to see you as a "good dad"...
> 
> ...


alexm you're so evolved. 



.


----------



## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Mr.M said:


> Recently she's been having a sort of mid-life crisis. She was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes a few years after we got together (has had it for 7-8 years now) and while I don't believe she is at her half-way point in life, she fears that she is. It's been making her think about the things she hasn't done, and may never be able to do in this life.


OK, so first the whole premise of your story is off. Your wife is 28, right (met at 17, been together 11 years). She thinks her life is half over due to diabetes? You might want to first get her counseling to deal with the psychological issues of having a chronic illness. Has she had any diabetes education? These courses cover the physical and psychological aspects of the disease. 

At any rate, is your wife taking care of herself? Testing blood glucose, getting her A1C checked routinely? If she is, she will live a long full life. I was diagnosed a type 1 diabetic when I was a young kid, 44 years ago! I am doing great despite there being some years back in my teens and during college when I did not take very good care of myself. Back then, there were no glucometers to allow close monitoring and I broke all the rules. My nephew has also been a diabetic since he was 9 month old! At age 33, he is also doing great. What gave her this idea that her life is half over at age 28 and after only 7-8 years of being diabetic?

I don't even want to address the other ridiculous hall pass idea. Come on! Is this for real?


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

here should be your response to her....if she ever brings it up again....

Honey, Some times i wonder what it would be like to have sex with another man. 

Tell you what sweetheart, the day after you bury me you can find out


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Mr.M said:


> ThePhoenix - Okay so now she's already cheating? And don't you think that, given your prior profession, that your 'facts' might be coming from a skewed sample of people...you know, as in 100% of them were actively seeking an escort?


I don't know whether she's cheating or not. I do believe you find it integrating. I would suggest you go with a professional escort. If you choose a friend, co-worker, etc., there's a real danger of emotional attachment. Sex has a more powerful effect on the emotions and a way of getting you hooked than most folk realize. I participated in a few husband watching gigs (no threesomes) and they were without incident or consequences.


----------



## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Mr.M said:


> ^ second best response.


:slap:


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Mr.M said:


> Thundarr - I have no idea what would happen if we did do something like this. Like you said, you don't know what you don't know.


I meant to comment on what I've seen (which is not much). These may not apply to you at all but they're my only non-hypothetical point of reference.

Case #1 a friend of ours and her husband dabbled in partner swapping. She said he was the one who pushed the idea but when he walked in with her on all fours and his buddy behind her it caused problems because he couldn't get the image out of his head. In their case they should have made a rule about not getting freaky when the other might walk in like the next morning for example. They're no longer married but who knows if this had an part of that or not.

Case #2 my younger brother and his long time girlfriend thought they might as well have an open relationship since it couldn't get much worse. She was already a serial cheater and he would revenge cheat instead of leaving. It's weird but they handled cheating and revenge cheating better than having permission to screw around. Apparently the serial cheater was resentful that he didn't care :crying:. Oh people and our emotions are surprising. They split but eventually got back together. Co-dependency and dysfunction are addictive. Lots of drama I guess.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Thank God alexm is more patient than me! Good gravy!!!

P.S. OP. You are a long way off from what I or many others would consider advanced, more mature or more intelligent and selfless.

Alien is a far more civil term for a cuckold or someone considering it.

Other, different yes. Advanced, better no.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

ConanHub said:


> Thank God alexm is more patient than me! Good gravy!!!
> 
> P.S. OP. You are a long way off from what I or many others would consider advanced, more mature or more intelligent and selfless.
> 
> ...


I actually think OP was genuinely being rather selfless in his thought pattern, for what it's worth. True, I could very well be naive about it, but I just didn't really get that vibe.

My ex wife and I also got together at pretty much the exact same ages as OP and his wife (17 and 19), and even though we both had -some- experience before each other, neither of us really felt like it was enough, I don't think. We never had this discussion, however she did eventually go out and find her own experiences... if you know what I mean.

That said, I'm actually fairly certain that had my ex wife, at that time (late 20's or so) brought this topic up, it might have been something I would have also considered, primarily from an altruistic point of view. And trust me, I'm no cuckold.

Now, older, experienced, twice-married me knows better and would shoot that down in an instant.

I think OP gets that it's a bad idea, but some of the responses were, although correct, and probably what he was expecting, rather dismissive as to WHY he was considering this.

From his side of things, it might have seemed like the logical thing to do, primarily to prevent something happening later on down the road (like what happened to me, and many many others here - infidelity). It would have been the "lesser of two evils" scenario. But the reality is that it wouldn't have been the lesser of two evils - it would have been 1a and 1b.

The fact of the matter is that if one partner expresses these so-called regrets and they stick with them, it'll likely end in heart-break at some point. What I was telling OP was to not fuel the fire any further and steer his wife away from the ledge, resulting in her (hopefully) seeing the forest for the trees. Apart from that, it's not in OP's hands, other than remaining a good, loyal partner to his wife and doing everything he can to ensure she doesn't take him for granted. Like I said, my ex wife had similar regrets, but apparently those desires eventually outweighed whatever positives there were at home, with me. I don't believe *I* steered her in that direction, but rather I believe that she psyched HERSELF out of our marriage, in which case, there's not much I could have done.

See, with her, even though she had some sexual experience prior to me, none of it was positive as I recall. There was no loving sexual interaction, nor were there any hookups or one night stands. If I recall correctly, she lost her virginity to somebody she didn't have a whole lot of interest in, simply for the sake of losing her virginity. Then her next couple of experiences were with guys who had girlfriends that she did not know about, and soon found out about afterwards. Then she fell into some kind of weird "relationship" at 16 with a guy who was in his early 20's (yeah. Ewww.) Then I came along. So even though she had some sexual experience, none of it was positive or loving, and more importantly, she likely felt used in each situation. And, to boot, she didn't really have the sexual experiences many of her peers had had - stuff like hookups OR longer-term actual relationships. Ironically, she actually had a couple of boyfriends (you know, 5 or 6 months) but didn't sleep with them for whatever reason. So her sexual history prior to me was... dysfunctional. No wonder she felt like she missed out on something. She obviously had some sort of crisis at some point that this was it, and she wasn't going to experience anything sexual other than what she had had. In other words, what other people (her peers, I assume) had experienced, and then me, for the rest of her life. No excuse or justification, but all the same.

So she got it. We divorced. She (hopefully) got it out of her system, and has remarried. Perhaps she's glad or relieved she got it out of her system and is now ready to be in a healthy marriage. Maybe not.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

M my man, you had a few women respond to this thread. Ignore their analysis and advise at your own peril.


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Mr.M said:


> I think she just was hit with a wave of existential realizations (one of which being that she'll never sleep with another man) and she was just opening up to me about them, getting them off her chest.


Good that she feels safe to share her thoughts and feelings with you. As you say, dialogue is an important part of marriage. But remember, dialogue involves BOTH of you sharing your thoughts and feelings. It is perfectly OK for you to say "I am glad that you feel safe sharing with me. So let me share something with you. I am 100% opposed to your sleeping with another man while we are married. I would feel very hurt and angry if you did so, and I fear I would not be able to remain married to you if you did that."

It should not come as a surprise to her several years after she got married that she will never sleep with another man besides you. That is pretty much a core component of getting married.

To me, the most worrisome thing is the thought process on her part. She has diabetes. She thinks she may have a shortened life expectancy. She starts thinking of the things she wants to accomplish while she still has her health. And one of the things that comes to mind is having sex with other men.

I think you should take the advice of other posters and explore what is lacking in your sex life together and what you guys could do to make it better. THAT is the dialogue that is likely to lead your marriage to a better place. Thank her for sharing. Thank her for giving you information that you need to "up your game" as a husband. Tell her that you always want her to feel safe sharing unpleasant truths with you, because allowing problem to fester is not the way to have a great marriage. then work with her to deal with this issue. Together. Good luck.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

alexm. Even the thoughts you had when younger are totally alien to my make up.

I have never even been close to that kind of thought pattern.

Maybe in OPs alien culture, he could be considered selfless.

Saying he is more selfless than me is comparing apples to tofu.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

This argument is similar to a kid wanting to do drugs and out of fear of them getting it on the street, you buy them to do at home. Either way they are still a junkie.

Selflessness my azz. My bet on this is when it happens, he'll want a play by play of what it was like for her; if you know what I mean. I've known several situations where the husband waited eagerly for the wife to get home and report what the other man did to her.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> alexm. Even the thoughts you had when younger are totally alien to my make up.
> 
> I have never even been close to that kind of thought pattern.
> 
> ...


Aliens walk among us? :surprise:

I'll go get my shotgun. >


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Whats "existential" mean?


----------



## Mr.M (Jun 6, 2015)

Hey all,

As an update, we went to a friend's wedding reception last night. Her crisis thing came up during conversation on the drive over there, and so I asked her what she thought she was missing out on. She didn't really know. I told her that what I thought she was really looking for was more excitement, and that we should think about trying more exciting things as a couple. It was a quick conversation, nothing too heavy, and then we arrived at the reception. Hours later, we were outside smoking/talking with friends -- the friends went back inside and we were finishing up our cigarettes. The whole time I'm just going over things in my head, and as we were getting up to go back inside ourselves, as a last second impulse I asked her if she wanted to "take a walk with me" on the golf course. Of course, she knew what I really mean, and while I was half expecting her to laugh/blow it off, she got this look on her face and started scoping out the area. This was by no means our first public quickie, but we haven't done it in years and it felt good knowing that we both still had it in us.

We went back inside, no one the wiser. As it turns out, one of our close couple friends (husband of course) had the same idea we did. The wife shot the idea down and was joking with my wife about how big of a horndog her husband was. My wife, probably feeling pretty good about herself at this point, let it slip that she had just got done having a quickie herself. We were all standing right there, ****ing priceless, you should have seen the look on the other husband's face! Anyway, later that night I come to find out that the wife actually told her husband that we were just messing with him, I assume to spare his feelings. The whole thing was just a fortunate twist of events, and I know that helped lift some of that worry of 'missing out' from my wife shoulders.


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

I would agree with Kitt. No personal experience, but I feel that once she Fs another man, and it is for the first time, she's feel a surge of confidence. She will wonder why the hell she missed out on all this "fun" all this years. She might just go rogue. Do you want to risk this?



Kitt said:


> I have slept with exactly one man...my spouse. I am 42 which is really probably at the middle of my life. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that this has nothing to do with a midlife crisis. She wants to bang another man because she is curious but know this...when she does...you can never come back from that again. It changes how she sees herself, how she sees you and how you see her. Monogamy isn't a suggestion in case someone didn't get to sow their wild oats...it is a commitment. If she wants to puck another man, know that it is because she has changed in her feelings for you...do not be a dupe. Do not let her manipulate you with stories about diabetes and midlife crises...this is absurd! She is an awesome manipulator....don't let her destroy your marriage or your self respect or hers. IMHO this is like driving off a cliff because you think you have a flying car.


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Nice job Mr. M. That is the way to make lemonade out of lemons. Kudos.


----------



## Imstrong123 (May 18, 2013)

Having sex wit another man is NOT the answer to a mid life crisis. Having sex outside of marriage is not a good thing, not matter what reasons one may have to justify it. I have been married for 29 years together for 32 and I have never slept with anyone else other than my husband nor I want to...in spite of having had difficulties in my marriage, as my H did cheat (we are ok, but that´s for another thread). Sex is not the answer to every life crisis....what I see is a lot of immaturity and that could be a problem. Your wife married you at 17? or at least the has been with you since then? well, it could be that emotionally she is still there...maybe you both need to go to marriage counselling and try to figure out what is going on...again, sex outside the marriage CREATES problems, doesn´t solve them.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Mr.M said:


> soccermom2three - Naturally I don't like to think that my sex is lacking, I suppose it's a possibility. We have been in a bit of a rut since the child has come along. I'll need to talk to her about it. *And FYI, she brought up the threesomes on both occasions, as well as picked out the women! * Perhaps you can understand why I feel lucky to be with her and why I am trying to find ways to make her happy. I'd appreciate it if you stop trying to trash my character.


Yeah...see...

This is how it works:

Your wife wants some strange, so the plan is she gets you to agree to a threesome with her and a girlfriend or some hot looking chick she knows. You get off on it and enjoy the hell out of it and want another one...

She says "okay"... but next time it will be some studly guy she knows and has been attracted to for a long time. You say "No way!"  She says "Wait a minute...I had sex with you and another woman, and I'm not even into women. I made the sacrifice to please *you*! Are you saying you won't make that same sacrifice for me?" 

And the boulder starts rolling downhill from that point. 

Look I'm not saying your wife is that manipulative or cunning, but you don't know how many times we have seen this scenario play out here on TAM.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Mr.M said:


> Hey all,
> 
> As an update, we went to a friend's wedding reception last night. Her crisis thing came up during conversation on the drive over there, and so I asked her what she thought she was missing out on. She didn't really know. I told her that what I thought she was really looking for was more excitement, and that we should think about trying more exciting things as a couple. It was a quick conversation, nothing too heavy, and then we arrived at the reception. Hours later, we were outside smoking/talking with friends -- the friends went back inside and we were finishing up our cigarettes. The whole time I'm just going over things in my head, and as we were getting up to go back inside ourselves, as a last second impulse I asked her if she wanted to "take a walk with me" on the golf course. Of course, she knew what I really mean, and while I was half expecting her to laugh/blow it off, she got this look on her face and started scoping out the area. This was by no means our first public quickie, but we haven't done it in years and it felt good knowing that we both still had it in us.
> 
> We went back inside, no one the wiser. As it turns out, one of our close couple friends (husband of course) had the same idea we did. The wife shot the idea down and was joking with my wife about how big of a horndog her husband was. My wife, probably feeling pretty good about herself at this point, let it slip that she had just got done having a quickie herself. We were all standing right there, ****ing priceless, you should have seen the look on the other husband's face! Anyway, later that night I come to find out that the wife actually told her husband that we were just messing with him, I assume to spare his feelings. The whole thing was just a fortunate twist of events, and I know that helped lift some of that worry of 'missing out' from my wife shoulders.


Well sir, the ball is in your court. Play strong!


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Hopeful of not getting banned, but if she brought this subject up first, it's likely you aren't getting everything she has to tell you about her "crisis". If it was you who brought it up, only you know what your motive is.


----------



## Imstrong123 (May 18, 2013)

Mr.M said:


> Hey all,
> 
> As an update, we went to a friend's wedding reception last night. Her crisis thing came up during conversation on the drive over there, and so I asked her what she thought she was missing out on. She didn't really know. I told her that what I thought she was really looking for was more excitement, and that we should think about trying more exciting things as a couple. It was a quick conversation, nothing too heavy, and then we arrived at the reception. Hours later, we were outside smoking/talking with friends -- the friends went back inside and we were finishing up our cigarettes. The whole time I'm just going over things in my head, and as we were getting up to go back inside ourselves, as a last second impulse I asked her if she wanted to "take a walk with me" on the golf course. Of course, she knew what I really mean, and while I was half expecting her to laugh/blow it off, she got this look on her face and started scoping out the area. This was by no means our first public quickie, but we haven't done it in years and it felt good knowing that we both still had it in us.
> 
> We went back inside, no one the wiser. As it turns out, one of our close couple friends (husband of course) had the same idea we did. The wife shot the idea down and was joking with my wife about how big of a horndog her husband was. My wife, probably feeling pretty good about herself at this point, let it slip that she had just got done having a quickie herself. We were all standing right there, ****ing priceless, you should have seen the look on the other husband's face! Anyway, later that night I come to find out that the wife actually told her husband that we were just messing with him, I assume to spare his feelings. The whole thing was just a fortunate twist of events, and I know that helped lift some of that worry of 'missing out' from my wife shoulders.


Mr M I have read other posts by you about threesomes....and how your wife chose the women....I think that your post is one of two things: a lie, somehow you are having fun reading our replies..., or the truth and honestly you and your wife don´t belong here...you both don´t take marriage seriously, or any relationship for that matter...anyway, I don´t think you are serious and you are hurting other people by writing these things. Not me, I choose to ignore people like you.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

To the OP, the answer is "hell no!"

She took a marriage vow with you. If she doesn't want to keep it, then divorce her and don't look back.

So what that you had others before her.

If you agree to any of this idiocy, then it is your own fault when it blows up on you.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

keep putting energy into spicing things up between you and your wife. If she brings up this topic again shut her down and say I don't want to be married if you ever bring it up again!

you got a perfectly fine man right here who will do anything sexually you request if that's not enough then I think its time to part ways! I don't really want to be second to anyone ever! so tell me right fvcking now are you in your not because if not I want to start my new life right away. To find someone who Is like minded and you can go do whatever you want to do but I won't be here waiting! 

If she backs way off and apologize then say cool glad we cleared that up now get your sexy a$$ over here and let get our freak on!


----------



## Mr.M (Jun 6, 2015)

There was a notable change in her mood after the other night, at least from my POV. It has given me some hope that whatever this problem is, we can fix it together by putting in the effort and creating more excitement for ourselves instead of looking for 'whats missing' somewhere else. I think the whole thing started because of a lack of initiation on both of our parts. It's not as if we are opposed to doing these wilder things, just that it has been a long time since either of us had really taken it upon ourselves to make it happen for the other person. You get older, you have kids, more stress is added to your life, whatever...I'm sure we all know there are plenty of things that happen that can make it hard to keep things fresh. 

That being said, I have a feeling that if I'm not the one who keeps this ball rolling, we will eventually end back where we are -- in a rut with one (or both) of us yearning for something more and not knowing where to get it. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to brainstorm some ideas of things I can do to keep her on her toes, and whenever the opportunity presents itself, I'm going to try to execute. I want her to be proud of her sex life, and I wonder if recently she hasn't been feeling that. I know I can get us back there because, man, how we used to shine! We both just need to stop being so damn tired and lazy about it, but since I can't control what she does, I can only take the initiative from my side and hope she is receptive to it. Who knows, maybe it'll spark something and she'll start surprising me with little goodies again. 

Fingers crossed!


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

soccermom2three said:


> Why don't you just make the sex better? No offense but if she thinks she's missing out maybe the sex isn't that great for her. I've only been with my husband and I have no regrets.
> 
> ETA: *Just to add, my husband loves that I've only been with him. I think most men think this way.* Why don't you? Are you trying to find an excuse to also have a little on the side? If she does, then you can too?


OP doesn't realize how special and beautiful it is to have a woman that no other man has touched. How he can even contemplate allowing some man to frak his untouched wife and mother of his kid is beyond me. 

OP you better step up your game. If she really is talking about having sex with another man, it's because her attraction for you is down and she may already have a man in mind.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Women's brains are hardwired via DNA to need a man who protects her. If you fail to mate-guard her, she will lose respect and love for you. It is just how her brain is wired. Very few women don't fall into this category. If you even offer the idea of her sleeping with someone else you are failing the test!

This is why it always goes badly when a husband allows his wife a hall pass or a revenge affair or one last test ride with her affair partner.

It is fine to have fantasies, and you can even play games off of them. But your boundary has to be absolutely rock solid that you will not be in a marriage with her if she seeks sex outside the marriage.

Btw, her bringing up the idea of a 3-some could very well have been a sh1t test of you. She may have been gauging your reaction.


----------



## Parrot_head (Sep 28, 2011)

lots of good answers here , tread carefully

good luck


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

ConanHub said:


> alexm. Even the thoughts you had when younger are totally alien to my make up.
> 
> I have never even been close to that kind of thought pattern.
> 
> ...


I didn't have those thoughts. I said that it's possible that would have been my mindset at that time, if it happened to me. My relationship/marriage was, I thought, perfect at one point, and had my ex wife brought up the feelings of regret about not having a "proper" or healthy past sex life, I maybe wouldn't have shot it down as quickly as I would today. Now I know better. Then, I may have actually been in Mr M's shoes and contemplated it, simply because I did think my marriage was near-perfect, and maybe she would have made me feel bad. I don't know.

From my standpoint, it would have been a moot point anyway. She never expressed any need to do this, but it's quite clear in the end that that's what she wanted, and she got.


----------



## lavaland360 (Jun 9, 2015)

Mr.M, until you've been there you don't know. A few years ago my wife was diagnosed with a form of cancer that there is no cure for. About half way through her treatments she said about the exact same thing to me as yours did to you. We had been married over 40 years, were HS sweetheart. So we were in the same situation you are. As with you, the question set me back and made really think about values commitments and every angle you can think of about a relationship. I finally came to the conclusion that as long as sex could be kept away from love then it would be okay with me for her to fulfill something important to her. We talked about it for several months, what it would consist of and the boundaries involved. After a short while we found an "other man" that she was interested in and in short order she and he did the deed. A couple of weeks later she did it again with the same guy. An interesting paradox came from it. After each event we felt closer together, more tightly bonded and more in love it was like the fire got stoked in us again. Shortly past this she had a reaction to one of the drugs and she only lasted a short while after that. So I am absolutely delighted we did it. It was a way for her to get out of the stress she was having health-wise and I am sure if she had not passed away we would still be doing it today. Just as a word to the wise, talk with her until in your mind you can separate her having sex with another man from her being able to love you exclusively. Sex and love are not the same thing. If you can get to that point, support her and it will be the best thing the two of you have ever done in your life.


----------



## Mr.M (Jun 6, 2015)

First off, I want to thank the women who contributed to my other thread about how to step up my sex game (before it was deleted? I can't find it now). I already put those comments to use the other night and it worked -- took her completely off guard and we had an amazing time! I suppose I'll just try Google for further tips as that thread was apparently too much for this website, but that's okay.

Here is where I stand about this hall pass issue. My wife was a virgin when we got together, and I not much more 'experienced' than her (a couple of partners early on in life, nothing special). We basically discovered everything together as a couple, and trust me when I tell you that we've done a lot, and now we are married with a good life and a wonderful child. That's special and rare. I still feel for my wife because, having not been with many other women myself, I understand what it's like to sometimes wonder about other people, except at least I have the benefit of knowing that I've technically done it. But here's the thing -- I don't feel like those experiences fulfilled me in any way. The sex I have had with my wife, and am still having, is so much better than those other experiences even if we are only looking at it in a strictly physical way. If I were to allow my wife to sleep with someone else, I'm betting her experience would not be all that different from my own in days past. Yes, perhaps it would check a box but nothing substantial would come from it, and she would have lost something extremely valuable as a result.

The nail in the coffin is from a recent revelation. If the issue truly is about my wife feeling like she needs to know what sleeping with other men is like, she's not going to find that answer by sleeping with one random person a single time. So the question isn't "are you able to do this just this once for her?"...it's "are you willing to commit to the spirit of the idea, and allow your wife to sleep with enough men to give her what she feels is a representative sample"? I can't expect that one time, with one person, will be enough to give her a resolute feeling that she now knows what being with another man is like. What if that particular man wasn't all that good in bed? What if he had bad breath, or was too sweaty, or any number of other things that might keep her wondering? How many men would be enough? Is there even really an "enough" to have? Some people have slept with hundreds of different partners, and yet they are still not satisfied.

So in that sense, it's sort of an all or nothing. I shouldn't take the hall pass path unless I am willing to do whatever is necessary for her to find the peace that the hall pass was supposed to provide. And even then, she may never find that peace. But what will happen is that she'll lose that sense of pride/purity of having only ever been with one man, her husband and the father of her child. Ironically, knowing her and how she thinks about things, this would almost certainly cause more regret in her life than it would resolve. And that's why, at this time, the answer is no.


----------



## Mr.M (Jun 6, 2015)

lavaland360 said:


> Mr.M, until you've been there you don't know. A few years ago my wife was diagnosed with a form of cancer that there is no cure for. About half way through her treatments she said about the exact same thing to me as yours did to you. We had been married over 40 years, were HS sweetheart. So we were in the same situation you are. As with you, the question set me back and made really think about values commitments and every angle you can think of about a relationship. I finally came to the conclusion that as long as sex could be kept away from love then it would be okay with me for her to fulfill something important to her. We talked about it for several months, what it would consist of and the boundaries involved. After a short while we found an "other man" that she was interested in and in short order she and he did the deed. A couple of weeks later she did it again with the same guy. An interesting paradox came from it. After each event we felt closer together, more tightly bonded and more in love it was like the fire got stoked in us again. Shortly past this she had a reaction to one of the drugs and she only lasted a short while after that. So I am absolutely delighted we did it. It was a way for her to get out of the stress she was having health-wise and I am sure if she had not passed away we would still be doing it today. Just as a word to the wise, talk with her until in your mind you can separate her having sex with another man from her being able to love you exclusively. Sex and love are not the same thing. If you can get to that point, support her and it will be the best thing the two of you have ever done in your life.


Lavaland360,

I wanted to respond to you directly because I really appreciated your response. I knew I wasn't crazy for having this idea, and that it can be a good thing in the right situations. Our situations are indeed very similar, but there are a few key differences. I'm not sure when you had gotten married, but being married for 40 years tells me you had a full life together. We have only been married for 6. Your wife didn't have much time left, and while my wife's disease will probably be the death of her too, we still have decades ahead of us. 

I would consider the idea again if:



we had more time together and that regret was still there, and if
I had done everything I could to fulfill her sexual needs myself, and if
my child was grown, lessening the chance of her life being impacted, and if
we had thought the issue over very thoroughly, and were sure doing this wouldn't created new (and perhaps bigger) regrets, and if
my wife didn't have much time left on this earth

...but we're simply not in that situation. There are still too many possibilities for us to resolve this problem in other ways, and this is more of a last resort sort of choice.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Mr M, you are correct when you point out that even if your wife had your blessing to have sex with another man, that it wouldn't necessarily scratch your wife's itch to her satisfaction. To do so, it would require a series of steps to be completed successfully in order to achieve the desired result. The OM would have to be attractive enough for her in terms of personality and physical attributes, so that sexual tension could be built up over a period of time and eventually be consummated with sex. This is the dynamic of a successful courtship but it is also the dynamic of a full blown extra marital affair.

The old saying, "the operation was a success but the patient died" could be very relevant when it comes to a successful hall pass for your wife and your marriage. For once it starts, then all bets are off as to its outcome.


----------



## lavaland360 (Jun 9, 2015)

Mr M - I am glad that you took the time and thought the situation over and understand how you feel about it. You need to add to your equation the fact that as her husband you do not get a vote when it comes to her internal wants and needs. She gets all of those votes. I read a thing once that said, rightly, that if we do not get what we need in a relationship we will get it outside of the relationship. I suspect that is why the rate of infidelity is so high in America. You need to consider that she did something that took a lot of courage and trust when she told you she wanted to experience someone(s) else in bed. Many other spouses would have just done it and not told you. As her trusted and loving husband you put yourself in a lose-only-situation by saying her needs are wrong or not important. They are very real to her. Again, she gets all of those votes. Your fourth bullet is key to all of this and really supersedes all else, including the time you've been married. She, no doubt, sees a path that would allow her to fulfill her needs and still spend 'until death do we part' with you and your children. There is one thing I can assure you, based on my earlier research, her need is not going to go away with time. If you can find a way of being supportive of her and find a common set of circumstances / boundaries that you can live with, her future activities in bed will be acts of fidelity and love for and with you. You can truly and happily do that 'until death do we part' thing. The two of you are one. Be supportive and best to you.


----------



## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

He gets all the votes of whether or not he wants a wife that sleeps with other people.


----------



## lavaland360 (Jun 9, 2015)

He might not want her to, but if she wants to she will. 

When it is done without him knowing it is called an affair. Mr M has the opportunity to keep honesty and faithfulness between him and his wife. If it is a fling she wants, bam, it's over and done with. If it is more of a long term thing AND they both agree to it, blessings on them. It's what they as a couple want to do that is important. Only they can determine the limits to their relationship.

I'm not saying that sort of relationship is for everyone. But for couples where the subject has come up (him or her) it is far better for them to talk it out than for him to slam the door shut and force her to do something behind his back. Remember, this is something she wants or she would not have brought it up.

So the question becomes should they be open to talking it through as a possibility or should they invite an unfaithfulness caused by him slamming the conversation shut. It really all comes down to whether he believes she loves him for a lifetime. If not, it doesn't matter. If he does, it doesn't matter.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If you have answered your own question, why do you need input from us? Could have saved us the headache (we are mostly strictly monogamous people here on TAM) and yourself the time it took to type all your replies. 

If you are looking for validation for your ideas, you will only find a fraction of the people here support them. You might be better of at LoveShack.


----------



## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

That is a crock of crap. If I want to do something, and know it will hurt my wife, then I have choices to make. It isn't inevitable, it isn't unavoidable.

It is not for us to tell them what doors to close or open, he isn't more loving if he opens it. This line "It really all comes down to whether he believes she loves him for a lifetime." just makes me want to vomit. If she loves him for a lifetime, then she doesn't need to screw other guys. That seems pretty simple.

If she does 'love him for a lifetime' then she wont need to risk it all for some strange.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

lavaland360 said:


> I read a thing once that said, rightly, that if we do not get what we need in a relationship we will get it outside of the relationship. I suspect that is why the rate of infidelity is so high in America.


I beg to differ. While the unmet emotional needs can create an environment that makes an affair much more likely, there are other causes that bring about affairs. Even relatively happy and healthy marriages are not immune to Infidelity. Consider that a great many full blown affairs start out as innocent friendships which over time develop into emotional affairs and eventually consummate into sexual intimacy. 

People who normally have a disdain for cheaters can and have become cheaters themselves because they gradually began breaking down all the protective marital boundaries e.g. no confiding personal and/or marital information to another; no non-work related time spent alone with another; no hiding information from spouse regarding activities with another; no secret communication with another; no keeping passwords from spouse. As they find out later, they put themselves on a slippery slope that sends them straight into an affair.

Then you have the affairs that come about because the unfaithful spouse has issues that pre date the marriage e.g. childhood sexual abuse, personality disorder, rape, childhood abandonment. The void left by these issues is often times self medicated via affairs. This was my situation with my XWW who, unbeknownst to me, had been repeatedly raped by a male cousin during her early teenage years.



> You need to consider that she did something that took a lot of courage and trust when she told you she wanted to experience someone(s) else in bed. Many other spouses would have just done it and not told you. As her trusted and loving husband you put yourself in a lose-only-situation by saying her needs are wrong or not important. They are very real to her. Again, she gets all of those votes. Your fourth bullet is key to all of this and really supersedes all else, including the time you've been married. She, no doubt, sees a path that would allow her to fulfill her needs and still spend 'until death do we part' with you and your children. There is one thing I can assure you, based on my earlier research, her need is not going to go away with time. If you can find a way of being supportive of her and find a common set of circumstances / boundaries that you can live with, her future activities in bed will be acts of fidelity and love for and with you. You can truly and happily do that 'until death do we part' thing. The two of you are one. Be supportive and best to you.


Keep in mind that Mr M has stated that his wife happened to mentioned only once how it would feel to be physically intimate with another man but did not press the issue. If she trusts her husband enough to know that he won't have an emotional meltdown by that simple rhetorical question, it would stand to reason that if she really wanted to explore it, that she would have brought it up to him a few more times. And even if she had, the two of them could always engage in elaborate role playing sex where he could take on the persona of an OM trying to seduce a married woman. What better way of getting her itch scratched by the one man who knows her better than any other, and is willing to make her believe that he is another man, her husband. No chances of getting an STD/STI, no unplanned pregnancy by another man, no fatal attraction from another man, etc. All the advantages of a fling without the very likely catastrophic fall out.


----------



## twocents (Jun 5, 2015)

Mr M. I am not sure if your wife is asking for your blessing to sleep around or she is telling you that she will. Unless you are open to an idea of open marriage, you need to start snooping around and tracking what she is doing. Good Luck with whatever decision you make.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Mr.M said:


> First off, I want to thank the women who contributed to my other thread about how to step up my sex game (before it was deleted? I can't find it now). I already put those comments to use the other night and it worked -- took her completely off guard and we had an amazing time! I suppose I'll just try Google for further tips as that thread was apparently too much for this website, but that's okay.
> 
> Here is where I stand about this hall pass issue. My wife was a virgin when we got together, and I not much more 'experienced' than her (a couple of partners early on in life, nothing special). We basically discovered everything together as a couple, and trust me when I tell you that we've done a lot, and now we are married with a good life and a wonderful child. That's special and rare. I still feel for my wife because, having not been with many other women myself, I understand what it's like to sometimes wonder about other people, except at least I have the benefit of knowing that I've technically done it. But here's the thing -- I don't feel like those experiences fulfilled me in any way. The sex I have had with my wife, and am still having, is so much better than those other experiences even if we are only looking at it in a strictly physical way. If I were to allow my wife to sleep with someone else, I'm betting her experience would not be all that different from my own in days past. Yes, perhaps it would check a box but nothing substantial would come from it, and she would have lost something extremely valuable as a result.
> 
> ...


This is the one best conclusion.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

lavaland360 said:


> Mr.M, until you've been there you don't know. A few years ago my wife was diagnosed with a form of cancer that there is no cure for. About half way through her treatments she said about the exact same thing to me as yours did to you. We had been married over 40 years, were HS sweetheart. So we were in the same situation you are. As with you, the question set me back and made really think about values commitments and every angle you can think of about a relationship. I finally came to the conclusion that as long as sex could be kept away from love then it would be okay with me for her to fulfill something important to her. We talked about it for several months, what it would consist of and the boundaries involved. After a short while we found an "other man" that she was interested in and in short order she and he did the deed. A couple of weeks later she did it again with the same guy. An interesting paradox came from it. After each event we felt closer together, more tightly bonded and more in love it was like the fire got stoked in us again. Shortly past this she had a reaction to one of the drugs and she only lasted a short while after that. So I am absolutely delighted we did it. It was a way for her to get out of the stress she was having health-wise and I am sure if she had not passed away we would still be doing it today. Just as a word to the wise, talk with her until in your mind you can separate her having sex with another man from her being able to love you exclusively. Sex and love are not the same thing. If you can get to that point, support her and it will be the best thing the two of you have ever done in your life.


I'm taking this post with a grain of salt.


----------



## lavaland360 (Jun 9, 2015)

MORITURI - agree with you 100%. Was not saying that is the only cause for affairs, just a high probability one. If a woman likes stamp history and the husband bands stamp collections, she will find another way to learn stamp history. Of course there are mass of other reasons people have stamp collections.

As for Mr M - we don't know that his wife really asked him if she could be a hotwife. This could have been a fantasy for him. It's not an uncommon one. In his OP he asked if any others have had the experience. I have, so I answered. Ours was a very positive one. 

I now understand that sort of behavior is a taboo subject here. Sorry to those offended.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

lavaland360 said:


> I now understand that sort of behavior is a taboo subject here. Sorry to those offended.


It is not a taboo subject but it does make quite a few people cringe because of their experiences with their spouse's (and ex-spouse's) infidelity. That's all.


----------



## Mr.M (Jun 6, 2015)

lavaland360 said:


> Mr M - I am glad that you took the time and thought the situation over and understand how you feel about it. You need to add to your equation the fact that as her husband you do not get a vote when it comes to her internal wants and needs. She gets all of those votes. I read a thing once that said, rightly, that if we do not get what we need in a relationship we will get it outside of the relationship. I suspect that is why the rate of infidelity is so high in America. You need to consider that she did something that took a lot of courage and trust when she told you she wanted to experience someone(s) else in bed. Many other spouses would have just done it and not told you. As her trusted and loving husband you put yourself in a lose-only-situation by saying her needs are wrong or not important. They are very real to her. Again, she gets all of those votes. Your fourth bullet is key to all of this and really supersedes all else, including the time you've been married. She, no doubt, sees a path that would allow her to fulfill her needs and still spend 'until death do we part' with you and your children. There is one thing I can assure you, based on my earlier research, her need is not going to go away with time. If you can find a way of being supportive of her and find a common set of circumstances / boundaries that you can live with, her future activities in bed will be acts of fidelity and love for and with you. You can truly and happily do that 'until death do we part' thing. The two of you are one. Be supportive and best to you.


I partly agree with what you're saying and partly disagree. It's true that I do not get to dictate how shes feels, so it's fortunate that I'm not trying to do that. The rest of your response hinges upon her needs as an individual, but whether this is actually something she needs is still unclear. I suspect the core issue here is a need for sexual excitement, not necessarily/specifically extramarital sex. Sleeping with another man may just be a means that that end, however, there are many ways to reach that same end without granting hall passes. In my opinion, it's worth exploring those first before doing anything drastic (and yes, I would consider this drastic). 




bandit.45 said:


> If you have answered your own question, why do you need input from us? Could have saved us the headache (we are mostly strictly monogamous people here on TAM) and yourself the time it took to type all your replies.
> 
> If you are looking for validation for your ideas, you will only find a fraction of the people here support them. You might be better of at LoveShack.


Wait what? The input from this thread is what got me thinking about the issue differently in the first place, and that ultimately lead to me changing my opinion on the subject. I was pro hall pass, now I'm not. How could I be looking for validation when I've basically done a 180 on where I stood when I created the topic?



Tasorundo said:


> ...If I want to do something, and know it will hurt my wife, then I have choices to make. It isn't inevitable, it isn't unavoidable.


Agreed. I feel like lavaland360 is implying that people are simply incapable of overcoming their baser urges, and that no matter who you are or what your relationship is like, it's only a matter of time before they give in to them. While obviously some people have more self-restraint and discipline than others, I don't buy that a break down is always inevitable.



morituri said:


> Keep in mind that Mr M has stated that his wife happened to mentioned only once how it would feel to be physically intimate with another man but did not press the issue. If she trusts her husband enough to know that he won't have an emotional meltdown by that simple rhetorical question, it would stand to reason that if she really wanted to explore it, that she would have brought it up to him a few more times. And even if she had, the two of them could always engage in elaborate role playing sex where he could take on the persona of an OM trying to seduce a married woman. What better way of getting her itch scratched by the one man who knows her better than any other, and is willing to make her believe that he is another man, her husband. No chances of getting an STD/STI, no unplanned pregnancy by another man, no fatal attraction from another man, etc. All the advantages of a fling without the very likely catastrophic fall out.


Well, to clarify she has brought it up a few times, three so far I think. But to your point, it's hard to tell what she is really looking for. I'm not necessarily convinced that the real issue is her needing to sleep with someone else. Like what I was telling lavaland 360, I think what she's really 'needing' are the things that she thinks sleeping with another man will give her (excitement, sexual satisfaction, whatever). But if we can identify those root needs, we might be able to address those needs directly ourselves, and skip the middle man.



twocents said:


> Mr M. I am not sure if your wife is asking for your blessing to sleep around or she is telling you that she will. Unless you are open to an idea of open marriage, you need to start snooping around and tracking what she is doing. Good Luck with whatever decision you make.


She may not even really be asking to sleep with another man, as strange as that sounds. She might just be telling me that she' feeling sexually unfulfilled right now (or was, I've been on a role recently).


----------



## lavaland360 (Jun 9, 2015)

Mr M - I don't seem to be able to figure out how to make those quotes functions work so I will do it this way.

First: I think you are going to do the right thing and have a deep conversation with her to find out just what it is she is wanting and the two you will work your way through it.

Second: when you said "I feel like lavaland360 is implying that people are simply incapable of overcoming their baser urges, and that no matter who you are or what your relationship is like, it's only a matter of time before they give in to them. While obviously some people have more self-restraint and discipline than others, I don't buy that a break down is always inevitable."

That is not what I said. It's not that people can't overcome an urge, it is that the average person does not. If the average person did, this web site would not be needed. Half of all marriages would not be failing because of abuse, money control, infidelity, lying, crime...(and the list goes on). There are two bonded people in a committed relationship and both have to be willing to give so the other can be fulfilled. Before you got married you had your standard. She had hers. When you got married the two standards became one. Now, if she wants a Kitchenaid mixer, it is also your interest. If you want a Wilson baseball glove, it becomes her interest. When you allow, create or live in two different standards while in a marriage, it is inevitable that an irreconcilable difference will arise sooner or later. When it happens both of you either have adopt a single a common standard or your two standards will take you different ways. Your wife get boned by some other guy is a lot more than her wanting a Kitchenaid mixer, but the principle is the same. If she has brought the subject to you up three times this is real for her and you need to listen. You and she need to sit down (away from wine etc) and have a good talk through it. What she is saying may be something innocent as you hope, or it could be she really wants to experience it and you are going to have to take a good look at those standards. You sound like a good couple. I would hate to hear that you let that slip away.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

That she has brought it up thre times is alarming to me. She may be being totally forthright. She may be tip toeing around the truth. 

I think you should check her google history, her computer history etc. to see if she has done any research on this. I would also see who she is communicating with.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Wait what? The input from this thread is what got me thinking about the issue differently in the first place, and that ultimately lead to me changing my opinion on the subject. I was pro hall pass, now I'm not. How could I be looking for validation when I've basically done a 180 on where I stood when I created the topic?


Thanks for clarifying, because even though you have changed your mind on the matter, the wording of your posts indicated you were still wavering. 

Again, don't do the hall pass thing. Do everything you can to spice up the sex life (role playing, toys, sex in a broom closet at a restaurant...)but don't bring other people into the equation. It will just make things worse.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Mr. M


> We basically discovered everything together as a couple, and trust me when I tell you that we've done a lot, and now we are married with a good life and a wonderful child. That's special and rare.


You fully understand this. You also fully understand giving the hall pass to your W will destroy it. 

I rest my case.


----------



## twocents (Jun 5, 2015)

Mr. M

*
She may not even really be asking to sleep with another man, as strange as that sounds. She might just be telling me that she' feeling sexually unfulfilled right now (or was, I've been on a role recently).
*

I think you should just ask here what her intentions are. Only you know if this is a deal breaker for you. As I mention earlier you really should start snooping around. I know if my wife will mention to me that she has such a interest or desire, bells and whistles will instantly go off in my head. I will be buying all soft of snooping software and devices. Good luck to you.


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I can reiterate what others have said, No. I gave my wife a "Hall Pass" over 14 yrs ago and while we stayed married, it created big issues that still are coming to the surface today.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Mr.M said:


> Well, to clarify she has brought it up a few times, three so far I think. But to your point, it's hard to tell what she is really looking for. I'm not necessarily convinced that the real issue is her needing to sleep with someone else. Like what I was telling lavaland 360, I think what she's really 'needing' are the things that she thinks sleeping with another man will give her (excitement, sexual satisfaction, whatever). But if we can identify those root needs, we might be able to address those needs directly ourselves, and skip the middle man.


Since her itch appears to be sexual in nature, perhaps the two of you should seek a qualified sex therapist who could help you identify what she is truly looking for. Have you tried that?


----------



## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

Mr.M you married a female primate of the highest order! She by million of years of evolution is the sexual king of the jungle and promiscuous. Your using hearsay advise based on Christian values on how to control the most sexually complex animal on the planet! Listen to your gut and not the hearsay you learned in our society about human sexuality. Her promiscuous thoughts insure survival of the species. She married you thinking your the one for life but mother nature never sleeps. Both her brain and body are going demand sex with others or she will shut down sexually and you both lose! Look at the sexual dysfunctional rate for women in America. 

She sounds like a great women and very much worth staying married too. Men have only been controlling female sexuality for few thousands years about the same time we started having wars. 

Got go!


----------



## lavaland360 (Jun 9, 2015)

Mr M - at the risk of having an A-Bomb dropped on me I would like to add to what Melvynman just said. If you go back and read the advise you've been given, it is don't let her...don't allow her...hire a PI to get the real story...kick her to the curb...send her to a doctor so he can fix her. Every bit of this is one spouse coming from the point that they own and dominate the other. There was nothing in the marriage vows that asked are you willing to be owned by the other. People are not owned. The marriage vow is a commitment to work with each other to build a family and help each other through the events of life. 

Google this fact if you want, the divorce rate of people who support their spouse having sex with someone else is half that of 'normal-average' people. What your wife is proposing is called hotwifing. Most agree the divorce rate drop happens because of the greatly increased trust, honesty, communications, and bonding that comes from it.

As I said in my first post, when you can mentally break apart sex and love you will see how this can greatly benefit your relationship. Lets play a game. You love your wife. She is in an accident and her genital area is no longer functional. Do you still love her? If so, love and sex are independent of one another. You can love her regardless of her sexual activities. If not, she was a sex toy/baby maker and she will likely be replaced at some point.

Infidelity: When you got married you made a promise to be faithful to each other. Now there is a new situation. If you talk through this together, research it, and agree that it is okay, then she is not cheating, or being unfaithful, to you. You both know what is going on, when it is going on, with whom it is going on and you have boundaries set that allow her to fill her need and, surprising, you be more than okay with it. 

Hopefully by now you have opened the conversation with her. Get together, Google 'hotwifing' (which is not cuckolding) and find out what it is about and other people's experiences (good and bad.) More people than you can imagine have been doing it for decades, 30-50 years. Some are just getting started. 

I know - yak, yak yak. I will leave you with this, you can set this up for failure or you can set it up for decades of success.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Evidently, some folks have t read the many threads in the CWI section about men losing their wives in the "hotwifing" world.

A different man is going to push excitement buttons you cant even if he is a lousy lay.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Threads like these are a waste of our time.


----------



## Kricket (May 10, 2011)

I will admit that I have not gone back and read all of the responses on here so if someone suggested this already, then I apologize for the redundancy. 
My suggestion is to give her 'another man' to be with. Do some role-playing. Plan to be at the same place and hit on her and buy her a drink. Once you woo her, take her back to a hotel room - not home. You may want to dress differently than you normally do and use a fake name. It is going to be hard but try to keep a straight face and keep it going. Do something totally different in bed that isn't your normal style. Be sure to leave in different vehicles. It will add excitement to your marriage and hopefully help with her feeling like she is missing out. If this doesn't do it for her, then I am going to have to agree with some of the other posts that she already has someone else in mind. 

For the record, I too was a virgin when I met my husband. We have been together since high school and never once have I felt like I have missed out.


----------

