# It's been a year, and the pain is still there. What now?



## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

No matter how much progress I make, I cannot heal. When will this ever go away? I keep revisiting his affair, his hurtful words, how he humiliated me on purpose for loving him, then humiliated me more for my pain and made fun of it. The pain his betrayal and his declaration of "I tried to love you but couldn't." He's a loser, he doesn't deserve me, and never did. But he's hurt me so much. In ways I never imagined, and continues to do so at every damn turn. Whether with our kid's drop off or pick up, or our last mediation sessions for divorce, etc. I'm consumed. And the OW, I saw her the other day, she walked on and pretended not to see me. of course it had to be the day I looked like ****. It just never stops. How do I make this stop? I go to therapy, try to keep busy, think about a better future, etc. But then I close my eyes and she or he pop in my head. It's been a year already. MAKE IT STOP. What next? What now? I don't want a rebound and hurt a guy just to make myself feel better, but that's assuming someone would want me. What if he's right and no one would? He's the only man I dated, kissed slept with, and married. He's all I've known for the last 9 years. What do I do now?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

It's alright. You are normal, and he is wrong, you deserve better than him. You need to start using all that energy to heal, to change your focus, and then you'll be able to move on. I recommend this book : http://www.amazon.ca/Living-Loving-...7555422?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1382324840&sr=1-2

It seems to have the best strategies for moving on from the victim mentality to being able to lead an active, healthy life. You might also benefit from reading Brene Brown's books.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> It's alright. You are normal, and he is wrong, you deserve better than him. You need to start using all that energy to heal, to change your focus, and then you'll be able to move on. I recommend this book : Living and Loving after Betrayal: How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment: Steven Stosny: 9781608827527: Books - Amazon.ca
> 
> It seems to have the best strategies for moving on from the victim mentality to being able to lead an active, healthy life. You might also benefit from reading Brene Brown's books.


Thanks. I'll get this book. I also have one of Brene Brown's books and found it helpful, I'll check others. I'm so over this. :S


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## Nohopeforvictims (Oct 21, 2013)

I think that many of us create these questions and share our stories when we are feeling our worst. There are some good times mixed in. Im trying to answer the same questions you have for myself. I can feel the pain in your words as it is all to familiar. I don't have any answers, I'm just hoping there is an answer. I think the real question is how do we get through these really difficult times, and make the good/manageable times last?


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## Nohopeforvictims (Oct 21, 2013)

I think that many of us create these questions and share our stories when we are feeling our worst. There are some good times mixed in. Im trying to answer the same questions you have for myself. I can feel the pain in your words as it is all to familiar. I don't have any answers, I'm just hoping there is an answer. I think the real question is how do we get through these really difficult times, and make the good/manageable times last?


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

We all went through it. It takes time, but you must help time, by getting rid of gifts and pics, perhaps moving into a new place, get a haircut, or find a new hobby and make new friends, who know nothing of your past life.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You get your D, you move on, and get away and stay away from anything to do with him

In time, it will get better---without him there in front of you day after day, triggering you it will get better

Spend time with your family and friends, and just live as roommates till the D becomes final

Remember---you only get one trip thru life on this planet----you do not want to allow him or the visage of him, to wreck the rest of your life on this planet

Delete him


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

He sounds like a real jerk.


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## GBValley (Jun 23, 2013)

I think everyone heals differently and there is no one blanket answer/s. I'll throw in my 2 cents from my experience from this year.

I agree with the others about throwing away anything sentimental related to him, or at the very least like I did get it boxed up and give it to a family member to store. My idea is that I won't lose the physical things that one day I can look back and think about this significant time in my life and by then smile.

From the outset don't let it define who you are or you will be!

I know it's hard because you haven't known anything else for so long but to share your heart and life with someone and it can be scary. When you finally acknowledge your life is going to be great and you can see even the tiniest glimpse of what a positive future you have, start ripping that hole open to be your life. Think of it like overriding your mindset. If you deliberately and proactively make the effort to get better, it will happen just give it time but give it purpose. Make it a priority. You sound like you are on the path but frustrated it's not happening fast enough and that's ok =) Keep it up!

About seeing another guy/dating etc, I really like that you are concerned about hurting someone else - you've got a good heart. The truth unfortunately is that it will likely hurt you even more until you are moving on mentally and emotionally 100% from the garbage your husband created. I say this with confidence because for some amazing reason this year I have run into a heck of a lot of random woman and a few men in my circles going through the same things as us (sometimes I feel like its a pandemic!). A number of the women get too attached too quickly to any guy because of them being used to 'finding happiness in another', even when they are strong enough to think they won't. The guys they have dated so far have been absolute a-holes and let them down as soon as the women think it's safe to sleep with them etc. They have all been knights in shining armor until they get the sex. The point is it's painful to see their self-esteem and self-worth decreases each time because they aren't right with themselves.

Sorry for that mini ramble, but the point is to get right with yourself, love yourself, find inner happiness, grow your confidence back up before thinking of dating just yet. When you do you will find a great guy for yourself! It can get lonely at times but keep the eye on the prize and don't fall into something not good for you =)


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Get him out of your life. Go shopping, exercise, do something with your friends.

There is someone out there for you, who will not cheat on you.
Maybe he is at your church, your kids school, but there are good men out there.

Find him when you are over your stbxh.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

CNS,

You have quite a few threads. A lot of them are about the same subject. Better to stick with one. Quite a few posters wrestle with this organization issue. The advantage with having an engaging first post is that it gets more readers.

I think GBValley was right on for you. A lot of newly divorced men are probably not ready for an LTR and they want to get laid so that they feel like they still got it. Or they may not trust women anymore.

One solution is too get involved with a sport where men and women mix naturally. Running, crossfit, swimming, hiking, underwater hockey, biking, ultimate frisbee, etc. You have to develop a passion for a sport, otherwise it is pointless.

The benefits:
1) You get in shape and feel more self confident. If you do Crossfit, for example, you will really change your life and self image.
2) You will see people when they are doing something, not just presenting themselves, as they do on dates or in bars.
3) You will get an endorphin kick and this with make you happy like a drug.

I agree about putting photos and symbolic stuff away. Don't destroy old photos. Just pack them up and stick in the attic.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

First off you are going to have a rebound regardless. So do it and get it done. Try to be honest with the person you are with and let them know.. 

My STBXW was the *"rebound"* from my first marriage.. It lasted 19 ( 5 years dating, 14 married ) years before she ruined our family. So you never know. 

Honestly, getting laid regardless if you're a man or a woman helps tons with self esteem, getting your emotions back on track, ETC. Plus, you might meet a man that makes your toes curl. You might be saying *"OMG, I never had a man do this to me before.."*

This is what I suggest. 

Go to Plenty of Fish website. Make a profile, something simple. Put some decent current pictures of yourself on the site then just sit there logged in for about 1 hour. Men will see you logged in and you will tons of messages. 

It is that easy for a woman. 

Granted now you will have to try to sort out the crazy from not so crazy people.

Then meet people for a 1 hour coffee date.. Learn to build up your conversation skills and what questions you need to ask someone before going out on a real date.

Remember guys are looking for that cookie.. Many men just want the cookie and then they are done with you, others might stick around for a bit longer. If you're adult enough to understand that and are okay with it then fine, if not then let the guy know what you are looking for straight from the start of the initial meet up.

If I can do it as a man, you most certainly can do it as a woman. Woman hold all the cards in the dating scene. The best I can do is try to ask a woman out. But it is the woman that gets to say yes or no.. Thats a lot of power to have.


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