# So it finally happened



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I'm sure those of you who remember me may have seen it coming...and in a way I did too but my heart tried to ignore what my brain was telling me. Long story short, he cheated in January...I fell into a depression, tried to work on it, then nearly 2 weeks ago he tells me it'd be best if we divorce. According to him he was trying to work on being a better husband but nothing he did was "good enough" and that I was still really depressed with no improvement. All that has made him unhappy so he decided to skip out.

Today makes a week that he packed his car and rove 2,000 miles back east and I'm left here with a broken heart and just as depressed. SOOOOOO.....I'd like to know about how long I will feel so down. We've been married 2 years and no kids (thankfully so short) and moved to California last year. We had no friends or family here and had to start from scratch. Well he made friends and wasn't working, just collecting disability from the VA...I was working full time but still hadn't come out of my shell. When he left last Sunday I felt like I was abandoned. I have nobody here and I'm incredibly lonely and just spent my time off in bed and crying. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling depressed. When will this pass? I feel like it would be much easier to be angry and deal with hate. But no, I still live the stupid man and thankfully he agreed to be friends. 

And yes, I know I'm 25, I got my whole life ahead of me, got to work on myself, yadda yadda yadda. I know. What I need guidance on is how to handle this. I'm so lost...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You will feel like this for a while. No one knows how long. But I predict is will last as long as you are turning on yourself and making excuses for him.

Depression is anger turned inward. You are angry and your subconscious is using all that anger to rip yourself apart. You need to have a very long talk about yourself.. make a list of the wrong he did. And allow yourself to be angry at him for doing those things. Anger is the normal response to someone doing something that hurts you.

You don't need to hate him. Hate is not necessary. Btu enough anger so that you can honestly say that you are glad to be rid of the source of your hurt... that's necessary.

Some people think that there is something noble about not being angry at the person who causes them pain. There is nothing noble about that, it's self destructive. Get angry, get very angry. Start writing it all down (or use the computer)... just write out all the bad and let the anger flow.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I do have a lot of anger and frustration but it's mainly depression. A few weeks before he decided he should leave I made a pros and cons list. Strangely enough, most of the reasons I put on the con list were reasons he brought up as to why he should leave. I'm glad things are over between us, yet not. When he first mentioned it I got angry. Telling him how I wasted the last several months trying to hold on and pull myself back up again, only to have him wuss out and run away. I called him a coward and told him he wasted the last 2 years of my life. When I calmed down I realized that I was way better off finding someone much better than him. Good riddance, I thought and felt like a small weight had been lifted up off my shoulders.

Unfortunately I also gave my whole heart to this immature man and the weight was counteracted by hurt. But anyways, I did write a little bit. At work, hours before I came home to the bad news, my friend suggested I write a letter to him explaining everything that I had been feeling. It didn't make me feel any better. I tried to read over it after he left and it just made me feel worse.

Bottom line, I'm angry with myself for allowing him to affect me this way in spite of all the wrong he has done to me.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Hugs. You definitely need to get out of bed! How about a meet up.com group? You need to make friends, or look at finding jobs back where your support network is and moving there. 

Also, have you talked to a doctor and considered antidepressants? They've helped a lot of people get through a rough patch.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Hi ~

Do you think you need antidepressants? If you really feel that low, you should see a therapist. Good Luck to you.

VH


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

northernlights said:


> Hugs. You definitely need to get out of bed! How about a meet up.com group? You need to make friends, or look at finding jobs back where your support network is and moving there.
> 
> Also, have you talked to a doctor and considered antidepressants? They've helped a lot of people get through a rough patch.


I'm recently a member of meetup and have a few events scheduled. Not a bunch of people that I'd see myself inviting over to my house but people to talk to at least. And I'm currently on two different antidepressants since February. I could only imagine what I'd be like without them. 

I'm seeking therapy (again) to handle this. Luckily one of my best friends will be moving across the country to stay with me next week so things will begin to look up. And at least STBXH wants to remain friends I guess. I try to limit contact with him but lately we've had to call each other over issues such as me sending him the rest of his belongings and him helping me managing the car payments and such on my own for the first time. 

Though I'm glad the marriage is ending, I do have my days where I think of all the painful memories and just go downhill and cry and cry and cry. Last night I even dreamed that he called me up to tell me he changed his mind and is coming back. My stupid self asking him today during a conversation if he'd thought about coming back and responded with a confident no. But whatever. I'm coping. Sort of.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Looking back I'm feeling tons better. I am so glad that I am out of that black hole and slowly, but surely recovering.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

One step at a time. One day at a time. That's what helped me.
I'm glad you are feeling better.
X


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

The more you do to live your life, the faster the pain fades.

You are doing the right things by staying as active as possible and building a group of supporters that can give you strength to heal day by day.

Hugs and Merry Christmas,
Stretch


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

So glad to hear you're feeling better! What are some of the things that helped?


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Moving one of my best friends out with me and getting a dog helped a lot.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

SepticChange said:


> Moving one of my best friends out with me and getting a dog helped a lot.


I never had a dog until this summer, when we got 2. They're so much more wonderful than I realized! Just so full of love and loyalty. If only the men in our lives would follow suit!!!


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