# Long-Distance Relationships



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Long-Distance Relationships (LDRs)

Yay? Nay?

Anyone have experience with these? 

How long for? 

How far apart?

How did it pan out?

Opinions?


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Undergoing it right now, as I detailed in the Long Term Success forum.

We are far enough apart (me in the midwest, her in the southwest) that we can only see each other for several weeks at time 3-4 times a year. We've been doing this for shy of three years and while she is able to do what she needed to do for her own spirit (gain time with her tranddaughter, put down roots, and establish a business), it's been hard on us. Fortunately, I am set to retire from the military in May, so our time apart is coming to an end.

It's very very tough and I really would not recommend it for extended periods. I think they only reasons my wife and are surviving it are constant, daily communication, intense rebonding when we do see each other, and a 14-year foundation before we starting living apart. Even so, if I had it to do over, I would not do this again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Convection said:


> I think they only reasons my wife and are surviving it are constant, daily communication, intense rebonding when we do see each other, and a 14-year foundation before we starting living apart. Even so, if I had it to do over, I would not do this again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think this is key. You already knew eachother from before. Did you date previously? Or rather, were you married already before you started the LDR?

What if two people just met and it starts that way?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I would have to say that is very hard way to start a relationship, I know it happens everyday I have never really had the experience of a long distance relationship, My cousin did He met a gal on line he was from Texas she was from Ohio they have been married for like 8 years now I just remember he telling me that they talked everyday on the phone, emailed, and texted alot I would bet that it is easier nowadays with technology than anytime in the past. But I am sure it is still hard 

good luck


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> I think this is key. You already knew eachother from before. Did you date previously? Or rather, were you married already before you started the LDR?
> 
> What if two people just met and it starts that way?


We dated for a few months, lived together for a year and a half, then were married for 12 years before we went LDR. So we had a pretty good foundation.

If two people started that way? Anything is possible. I think it would be tough to do for more than a few months - and a LDR, especially a new one, can only develop so far. At some point, there is no substitute for physical presence.

If you are considering it, doesn't hurt to test the waters. But I would avoid anything deeply binding if there is no likelihood - as in one of you moving to be with the other - of future togetherness. Just this old dog's $0.02.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Long-Distance Relationships (LDRs)
> 
> Yay? Nay?
> 
> ...


I think it could work but the couple involved need to have a way to connect and have great boundaries and openness for their relationship. 

I tried it 29 years ago. I was engaged (not to my current wife) and we went to graduate school in different states. The short of it is that she started studying with a fellow and developed an EA which became physical. So with her it was a failed experiment. She kept him a secret until she broke it off with me.

The details: 1000 miles apart in different states while in school. It only lasted 8 months.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Having done a LDR for about 3 years, I will give my perspective.

We knew each other for a while as friends. After we both separated and divorced, we came back into contact. There was a spark so we gave it a try. We lived about 100 miles apart. With working and child's schedules, this usually only allowed for every other weekend visits with sometimes an evening during the week.

Pros:

- Great for a casual relationship
- Other person is not under foot
- Nice to know that someone was there

Cons:

- Limited physical visits
- Hard to bond emotionally
- Hard to learn the other person
- Very time consuming with travel, phone/Skype/IM
- Disagreements due to perception of phone/Skype/IM messages
- Expensive with travel
- Lots of mileage on the car

And if you all hit it off and want to be together, then someone has to move. That can bring up a whole new batch of issues to work through. Granted, if it is strong enough, you can make it happen.

In my case, we eventually moved together and got married. Not really knowing each others habits and such ahead of time made for a tough transition when we did get together. We have managed to make it work but it took a lot of effort on both of our parts.

Unless there is absolutely no one near you, if I ever had to do it again, I think that I would pass.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I agree with the previous posters. If you are already in a strong relationship and it has to go long distance due to some circumstances beyond your control, for a certain time period, then it's worth a try. But I wouldn't start a relationship that way.

I've seen too many posters on TAM who meet someone online, "fall in love" from afar, then post here a year or two later when they realize that they really didn't know the person very well. I don't think you can truly get to know someone long distance. You have to see them in different circumstances, around different people, at home, in social situations, etc to really know whether you are compatible.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Thanks all for sharing your experiences. 

I think the biggest con is not having someone close! Not being able to see that person or date them organically (like you would normally) with someone you just met.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I would despise it to the death and be very anxious to be together.. Don't think I could handle it .. I would think if a person was naturally high in TIME & TOUCH (Love Language wise)...this would be all the more harder to survive and make it work. 

With Technology today, so many meet their future spouses states away, some a country even!...and they are great matches! I feel for them though... It has to be so very very difficult . They have to be bursting with anticipation to see one another again, spending weeks, days hours counting down.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Do anyone know what happen to that couple that met on TAM? It was around Christmas or maybe Jan or Feb of this year. For awhile they were posting a diary of their relationship. I believe the woman live here in the US but can't remember where the guy was from. I stop following their blog at some point but if either is still around maybe they will chime in? They were planning to meet up in March I believe.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

JellyBeans, I have tried to make two LDR work.
1st on was for 4 years, we broke up once in the middle but I went back to him. Last time I saw him was when I found him on dating sites. He told me I was to jealous lmao. I walked out without saying good bye and never heard from him again.

Second LDR was with my current husband. And we all know how that is working.............Divorce.

You have to have that contact with someone on a regular bases. It get's lonely. Then you don't have anyone to lean on when things are bad. I had to make up my mind that I would only date people close. I'm not going to move so that made the most sense to me.

PS: No sex on a regular bases is hard.( no pun intended)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

committed4ever said:


> Do anyone know what happen to that couple that met on TAM? It was around Christmas or maybe Jan or Feb of this year. For awhile they were posting a diary of their relationship. I believe the woman live here in the US but can't remember where the guy was from. I stop following their blog at some point but if either is still around maybe they will chime in? They were planning to meet up in March I believe.


I don't remember that couple. What were their screennames?



Tomara said:


> You have to have that contact with someone on a regular bases. It get's lonely. Then you don't have anyone to lean on when things are bad. I had to make up my mind that I would only date people close.
> 
> PS: No sex on a regular bases is hard.( no pun intended)


Makes absolute sense!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Long-Distance Relationships (LDRs)
> 
> Yay? Nay?
> 
> ...


I am currently in one.

Talking for over a year, "romantically" for about 8 months. 

1500 miles - in different countries

So far so good. We talk daily and are in constant communication. We have spent about 2 weeks together since March. 

The hardest part is not being able to be physically together on a regular basis. Other than that I do enjoy the relationship. I have the alone time I need to work on myself yet still have someone extremely close in my life to share it with. The situation has always been he will be moving closer to me. That was happening whether we got romantic or not. If it wasn't for that, I do not think we would attempt this. But we click and like each other for WHO WE ARE so much we are willing to give this a shot. Things will be different when we can date on a regular basis I'm sure, but we both really want to see if it will indeed work out for the future. 

Our boundaries and openness with each other are definitely contributing factors to success so far. There isn't anything we can't talk about or bring up or discuss and our communication with each other is probably some of the best I've ever had personally with anyone my whole life. We have an extremely solid friendship and I know if for some reason things don't work out when we are closer to each other, I will still have a friend for life.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> Do anyone know what happen to that couple that met on TAM? It was around Christmas or maybe Jan or Feb of this year. For awhile they were posting a diary of their relationship. I believe the woman live here in the US but can't remember where the guy was from. I stop following their blog at some point but if either is still around maybe they will chime in? They were planning to meet up in March I believe.


We met on TAM but we were never blogging about it...lol

We met in March too.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

College. We had dated for 2 years of community college (lost the V card to him) and I was going away to school (about an hour away).

We did the long distance thing for a year. We'd hang out on weekends and sometimes in the evenings if time allowed. 

Towards the end of the year he was always accusing me of cheating on him. Which I wasn't.

Turns out he had been bonking my best friend for 6 months.

Awesome.

I told them both to go to hell (and a couple hours of crazy 21 year old drama haha) and never talked to them again.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Yay!!! We met in person dated 3months he moved far far away for a personal reason with the understanding he would come back. we dated 2 years only saw each other like 4 times, talked daily after messaging daily, email, before webcams were cheap so no web cams. Married for over 10 years. It was hard but worth it. Our wedding was very emotional because faced many obstacles to be together.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Yay!!! We met in person dated 3months he moved far far away for a personal reason with the understanding he would come back. we dated 2 years only saw each other like 4 times, talked daily after messaging daily, email, before webcams were cheap so no web cams. Married for over 10 years. It was hard but worth it. Our wedding was very emotional because faced many obstacles to be together.


:yay: I love a good ending


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## Moulin (Jul 30, 2013)

Met my H online. Emailed/phone for 3 years before meeting. We've now been married for 12 years.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Jellybean I wish I could remember their name. The guy had a kind of menacing looking avatar. I believe he may have come from CWI. The woman did too I think. That all I can remember. They would each post directed to the board rather than each other about their relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> The situation has always been he will be moving closer to me. That was happening whether we got romantic or not. If it wasn't for that, I do not think we would attempt this.


Seems very logical!

Committed: that still doesn't ring a bell. Hopefully it worked out for them.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Seems very logical!
> 
> Committed: that still doesn't ring a bell. Hopefully it worked out for them.


We are trying to be as logical as we can about this relationship, especially b/c of the distance and the "unknowns" after he does move back to the states. 

One day at a time with a little bit of planning...lol


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Tried it once, just not happening. No matter how much you think the both of you are connecting when you finally meet in person, it's never what you think it is.

But then, now a days you have Skype, IMs, instant messages, video messaging on phones, etc...

Back then, land line and letters.

Guess it's more feasible now a days.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I think this is key. You already knew eachother from before. Did you date previously? Or rather, were you married already before you started the LDR?
> 
> What if two people just met and it starts that way?


YAY

It can work. I met my H on a site similar to this one. We were both still married to our ex's then and were chatting with others on that site about marital problems. In the course of those chats many of us got to know each other quite well. We never met until after our spouses had walked away. Since then we've met with many of our chat friends from all around the world. There are a few I'd still like to meet! 

Neither of us were looking for a relationship at that time, were not thinking about long distance, or long term. 

We lived 1100 miles apart, we met halfway in Jackson, MS. There was a ridiculously hot airport kiss...and a loooooooooong sexy weekend.... then we talked, texted, and skyped every day, morning and night for 14 months ....when I moved to his town. We've been married 7 years now, and are still in that "honeymoon stage". 

We are that annoying couple (in our 50's) who laugh, sing, kiss, hold hands, occasionally grope, tease, etc..... our kids (alot of 20-somethings) tease us and say "ewwww.... old people in love".

I agree that all that communication, constantly and intimately ... makes a difference. I struggled with accepting the idea of a new relationship. I didn't think it could really be this good... I think in reality, I couldn't recognize a really good relationship so I was skeptical. Which isn't a bad thing, it was good for me to keep assessing, myself, him, and the whole idea of this new relationship. Turns out.... it's all good!


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> Do anyone know what happen to that couple that met on TAM? It was around Christmas or maybe Jan or Feb of this year. For awhile they were posting a diary of their relationship. I believe the woman live here in the US but can't remember where the guy was from. I stop following their blog at some point but if either is still around maybe they will chime in? They were planning to meet up in March I believe.


Were they both extreme Christian oriented? One was from Australia I think. 

We carried one on at 5,000 miles distance while waiting on immigration. We had already lived together before deciding to get married. 

Most of the international couples are meeting online now, and it is interesting listening to them talk about finally getting together after carrying on an internet relationship for months and months. Sometimes years.

It seems to work.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> Were they both extreme Christian oriented? One was from Australia I think.


Yes! That's it! (Vaguely remember the Christian part but I do remember the guy was from Australia) Do you know what happened? Did the mods ask them to stop posting or something and shut the thread down?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> Yes! That's it! (Vaguely remember the Christian part but I do remember the guy was from Australia) Do you know what happened? Did the mods ask them to stop posting or something and shut the thread down?


Not sure what happened to them. 

I gave him a tip on immigration - namely he'd better take time-stamped photos of the two of them together if they decided to go for K-1 fiance visa. He brushed it off as unimportant. But the law is you have to prove you have seen each other in-person within two years of applying. 

We had hundreds of photos over months of living together, but immigration refused them because they weren't time-stamped. So I had to put together airline ticket stubs and the Superferry receipt to prove I had been to the town where I built my own damned house.


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## kokonatsu (Feb 22, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I would despise it to the death and be very anxious to be together.. Don't think I could handle it .. I would think if a person was naturally high in TIME & TOUCH (Love Language wise)...this would be all the more harder to survive and make it work.
> 
> With Technology today, so many meet their future spouses states away, some a country even!...and they are great matches! I feel for them though... It has to be so very very difficult . They have to be bursting with anticipation to see one another again, spending weeks, days hours counting down.


My top LLs are time (by a landslide) and Touch is also high up there, but I am in a LDR now. A good one, too. 

I met my man in his country (on a different continent than mine and a couple time zones away) and spent two weeks with him. We were working together on a project, so we spent a good portion of the day working with each other and others as well. Then I left mid-August 2012, and have been separated since then. 

However, the end has been in sight for awhile, so that's easier, and harder..

I think LDRs can work for anyone, but both parties have to be super committed to trust, and proving their trustworthiness. Both parties have to know exactly where this is going, and also committed to talking every day. 

I talk with my man every day for a couple hours, and occasionally things get in the way, on my side or his, but we still stay in contact with each other, no matter what. 

The hard thing for me is that even though I've been with him for a year now, my family still thinks I've only known him for two weeks, and don't really think it's going to work out. It feels like they are rejecting him in a way, and by association, they are rejecting me in a way. 

But I have 1 1/2 months before I move to his country, and so I'm so excited, and also a bit nervous, but honestly, he is the best thing that ever happened to me, and yeah, I wouldn't wish to do LDR again, but it was the only option we had, and I'm glad we could make it work despite the distance.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

> I'm glad we could make it work despite the distance.


I hate to be Debbie Downer but you don't you think the jury still out on that?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think the couple in question split up, if I recall correctly. 

As far as the long distance thing goes, I think it CAN work out, but personally, I don't think I'd go looking for one. If it happened, it wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker. But there would likely have to be a plan in place to bring things together sooner rather than later. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kokonatsu (Feb 22, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> I hate to be Debbie Downer but you don't you think the jury still out on that?


I guess I just meant that we haven't broken up despite the long distance for a year. Lots of people can't make it through a couple months, and break up, but we haven't. And soon I'll be going to his country, and so that (distance) is not going to be an issue anymore.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

kokonatsu said:


> I guess I just meant that we haven't broken up despite the long distance for a year. Lots of people can't make it through a couple months, and break up, but we haven't. And soon I'll be going to his country, and so that (distance) is not going to be an issue anymore.


I would say that "surviving" the LDR portion of the relationship is phase 1. But many couples also stumble on the "seeing each other every day" phase, when you're in the same city or living together. I wish you well on that phase, sincerely!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

kokonatsu said:


> I guess I just meant that we haven't broken up despite the long distance for a year. Lots of people can't make it through a couple months, and break up, but we haven't. And soon I'll be going to his country, and so that (distance) is not going to be an issue anymore.


Uncommitted people can't make it. Most are there for fun and pleasure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canjad80 (Oct 31, 2011)

I've had both types of LDRs

1) We met in person and married. Then we spent 4 months apart while I was travelling, and an additional 2 months apart for immigration reasons. I was fine with the distance. He wasn't. It created a lot of tension and highlighted our communication problems. Eventually divorced, but not because of the time apart.

2) Met my most recent ex online. We lived on opposite sides of the country (about a 5 hour flight). We did the long distance thing for about 1-1.5 years. I moved. We were together for another 2 years before splitting. After the move we were quite strong at first. Eventually we realized that we wanted different things from the relationship and from life in general. I think we would have figured that out much sooner had it not been for the distance. 

We talked for hours every night, did the video chats, IM, text, email, everything. We also met in person very early into the relationship (within a month) to make sure we weren't deluding ourselves. We alternated visiting each other every 6-8 weeks. Sometimes only for a weekend, but also a couple of 1-2 week visits in there as well. We met each others friends and family as well. We thought we did everything right, but it just wasn't the same when we were living in the same place and seeing each other on a regular basis. 

The major failure though was that he had made some huge assumptions about what our relationship would look like and didn't communicate those with me until after I moved. He was expecting me to immediately move in with him and help him fight for custody of his daughter. This was after I had said repeatedly that I wanted to date first before committing to living together and that I had no interest in being a full-time step-mother. To say I wasn't impressed would be a massive understatement 

Anyway, the moral of this story: LDRs can definitely work well, but they are A LOT of work. Communication is key and once you're together it's never what you imagine it will be. Also, they are much easier when you know the person first and then go long-distance rather than starting long-distance.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

canjad80 said:


> I've had both types of LDRs
> 
> 1) We met in person and married. Then we spent 4 months apart while I was travelling, and an additional 2 months apart for immigration reasons. I was fine with the distance. He wasn't. It created a lot of tension and highlighted our communication problems. Eventually divorced, but not because of the time apart.
> 
> ...


Thing about it, is you take on a person with kids... You also take on the kids when the time comes to it. You have to be prepared for this. It's kind of unattractive when someone vomits at the thought of having to have to interact with your kids, to anyone with any self-respect.


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## canjad80 (Oct 31, 2011)

treyvion said:


> Thing about it, is you take on a person with kids... You also take on the kids when the time comes to it. You have to be prepared for this. It's kind of unattractive when *someone vomits at the thought of having to have to interact with your kids*, to anyone with any self-respect.


That's a pretty extreme interpretation of my comment.

I didn't say I wanted nothing to do with her, just that I wasn't interested in being a full-time parent. I was more than happy to spend time with her and get to know her. She and I have a great relationship with me in a kind of big sister/auntie role (which my ex said was all that he wanted when we originally discussed it). 

I have no desire to ever be a parent and I was exceptionally clear with him on that right from the beginning. Not once in a year and a half had he ever mentioned wanting full custody of his daughter. I had even asked him point blank and he said he was fine with being a weekend father. Unfortunately, almost as soon as I got here he turned broody and went into full nesting mode. 

Lesson learned though - I'll never be dating a parent again.

---

To bring this back on topic, that relationship was an excellent example of not really knowing what will happen in a long distance relationship. If we had been dating in person right from the beginning, his nesting behaviour would have come out much sooner than it did and saved all of us a lot of time, energy and heartache.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

canjad80 said:


> That's a pretty extreme interpretation of my comment.
> 
> I didn't say I wanted nothing to do with her, just that I wasn't interested in being a full-time parent. I was more than happy to spend time with her and get to know her. She and I have a great relationship with me in a kind of big sister/auntie role (which my ex said was all that he wanted when we originally discussed it).
> 
> ...


It was fun while it lasted, you didn't love him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I had a 2 year lDR. I lived in New Mexico and he in Maryland. Then we married. Then after another 2 years I found out that he lied to me about so much.. to include his dating via online sites and meeting up with these women even after we married.

I'll never do a LDR again.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I had a 2 year lDR. I lived in New Mexico and he in Maryland. Then we married. Then after another 2 years I found out that he lied to me about so much.. to include his dating via online sites and meeting up with these women even after we married.
> 
> I'll never do a LDR again.


Did you have any clues before you got married that he wasnt honest?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

treyvion said:


> Did you have any clues before you got married that he wasnt honest?


Nope, and I looked. 

I made sure that I knew his family and his friends. I went to his work to meet people so I knew that was all true. I checked out everything I could. I even did police record searches and court record searches.


He's a very good liar and knows what he can usually hide from people. It took seeing him every day and having access to more things.. like his computer to find out that he was lying.

And then after a while his mother & sister moved from Seattle to live here and I found out more by just having more time to talk with them about family stuff.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

Every long distance couple I have seen has worked out pretty well if they are only dating, but the couple of marriages I know were horribly strained by it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

soulsearch said:


> Every long distance couple I have seen has worked out pretty well if they are only dating, but the couple of marriages I know were horribly strained by it.


Dating means they were only "seeing each other", and also "seeing others" while in their respective locations?


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## canjad80 (Oct 31, 2011)

treyvion said:


> It was fun while it lasted, you didn't love him.


I can't decide if you're trolling or just incredibly thick :scratchhead:

The result is the same either way: IGNORE!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

canjad80 said:


> I can't decide if you're trolling or just incredibly thick :scratchhead:
> 
> The result is the same either way: IGNORE!


Thick, that you can't be honest to your self. Theres no problem dating someone because it feels good and it's "fun"... You didn't love this particular man, because having to take on an additional child is not that big of a deal for someone who loves someone.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> We are that annoying couple (in our 50's) who laugh, sing, kiss, hold hands, occasionally grope, tease, etc..... our kids (alot of 20-somethings) tease us and say "ewwww.... old people in love".


This is great  Love it. 



kokonatsu said:


> I talk with my man *every day for a couple hours*, and occasionally things get in the way, on my side or his, but we still stay in contact with each other, no matter what.


That sounds exhausting! Lol. I don't have a few hours in a day to talk to someone... with work and everything else going on in my life. But that is cool you make it work. 



kokonatsu said:


> The hard thing for me is that even though I've been with him for a year now, my family still thinks I've only known him for *two weeks*
> 
> But* I have 1 1/2 months before I move to his country, *


Wow. So are you moving countries for him? Or do you have a job in place? Are you familiar with his country? Speak the language, etc? That is a big deal. Do you mean you have only seen eachother for two weeks last year? Or has he traveled, and vice versa for visits?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The thing with LDRs is, can you really know someone if you can't see them, talk to them every day, hang on the weekends, see how you will interact IN PERSON. 

I think for some it works great (destiny!) and for others, not so much.



canjad80 said:


> I can't decide if you're trolling or just incredibly thick :scratchhead:
> 
> The result is the same either way: IGNORE!


Yeah honestly Treyvion, some of your posts in this thread, while perhaps, not intentioanlly, are coming off sounding like you are upset about something and perhaps projecting.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

I'm from western Europe and my husband is American. Our relation started online, in a very innocent way. Back then, my husband was a lot more convinced that things could actually work than I was. I mean, we had the Atlantic Ocean between us!

After talking A LOT, on skype, we agree to meet. He first went to Europe. When we first saw each other at the airport, I guess we both knew we were meant to be together. Soon after, I came to visit him here, twice. Being away from each other was very hard but, manageable. 

We got married a year after starting to talk online. We are still happily married and now we have our own family. 

I guess when you love someone and you are fully committed, anything can happen!


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I had a 2 year lDR. I lived in New Mexico and he in Maryland. Then we married. Then after another 2 years I found out that he lied to me about so much.. to include his dating via online sites and meeting up with these women even after we married.
> 
> I'll never do a LDR again.


There is A LOT of scummy people out there! But there are also successful stories. I have had a very very awful experience and an excellent one.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Memento said:


> There is A LOT of scummy people out there! But there are also successful stories. I have had a very very awful experience and an excellent one.


They are not scummy to their friends, and to them they just did what made them happy. you have to move on and let them go, in our culture many things are considered disposable, relationships being one of them.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> The thing with LDRs is, can you really know someone if you can't see them, talk to them every day, hang on the weekends, see how you will interact IN PERSON.
> 
> I think for some it works great (destiny!) and for others, not so much.
> 
> ...


I have been building up anger... I had good situations, good women before the one who cheated me horribly in 2007. Today I build up anger from seeing how disposable relationships are, and knowing that I can't control what the other person does. So my current woman, who I do adore and treat like gold, may repay my kindess and love by cheating on me with someone who is not even 1/10th as involved.

Reading TAM does raise some uncertainties in my mind... But it is also her prioritization of me and our relationship and how long it took, that weakened my resolve, coupled with long distance and knowing how common it is for friends to whiper in their ear: "you may as well, he's 500 miles away... You don't know what he's doing"..

So yes, my confidence has been waining and I am projecting it onto this board.

But I also try to get people to not sugar coat things, and just tell the truth to themselves.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

treyvion said:


> They are not scummy to their friends, and to them they just did what made them happy. you have to move on and let them go, in our culture many things are considered disposable, relationships being one of them.


Move on and let go? LOL If anything, he was the one who didn't wanted to "move on" or even "let go".

Clearly, we do not share the same "culture". Civilized people don't "dispose" of others. And self indulgence is fine, when it's not at the expense of other peoples feelings and time.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Memento said:


> You sound like a real catch!  Lecturing others about moving on and here you are talking about someone who cheated on you "HORRIBLY" in 2007.


Not a perfect catch, but I make descent money and know how to treat a lady. 

I was cheated on from around 2005-2011, 2007 is when I found out for sure... From 2007 to 2009, I tried to hang in there for the kids ( if only they will let me keep a descent image ), and from 2009-2011, I had come to the end of my rope and accepted that even a normal relationship is light years ahead of a bad one, I had been clinging onto our past "passions"... We had a lot of years of space age sex, and she used to love to cook. LOL.

When I say "cheated on horribly"... Well you probably want to redirect blame on me... Yes blame me for being with her... The cheating involved, affairs and cheating on with sole intention of injecting pain and hurt, mental and physical abuse, with story twisting, to isolate me. Also she cut off all my paths of support at the time, don't know what she told them, but it was done. The more I talked the worse it became. So I know what a woman who has gone through emotional and physical abuse must feel, so I know for a fact the gender does not matter.

I'm a pretty good relationship partner, and better after having gone through that situation.

Looking back at myself, I should have released and been happy to move on when I knew for sure. Actually I should have moved on after about 6 months of horrible treatment when it started... But I have a high pain threshold, and stubborn myself... Plus I left a really good situation to be with this person and was stuck on making it work.

I give good advice, some of it takes me a while to follow myself, but I know whats right.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

*Re: Re: Long-Distance Relationships*



treyvion said:


> Dating means they were only "seeing each other", and also "seeing others" while in their respective locations?


No, they were exclusive. I think the excitement of "new love" can keep a long distance relationship going. The stale boredom of marriage makes distance hard. Two very independent people can make it work, but it's like they are not in love- One couple I know, he drives truck, she said she is worried about them not being able to stand each other when he retires and is home.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

treyvion said:


> I have been building up anger... I had good situations, good women before the one who cheated me horribly in 2007. Today I build up anger from seeing how disposable relationships are, and knowing that I can't control what the other person does. So my current woman, who I do adore and treat like gold, may repay my kindess and love by cheating on me with someone who is not even 1/10th as involved.
> 
> Reading TAM does raise some uncertainties in my mind... But it is also her prioritization of me and our relationship and how long it took, that weakened my resolve, coupled with long distance and knowing how common it is for friends to whiper in their ear: "you may as well, he's 500 miles away... You don't know what he's doing"..
> 
> ...


Understood. Sorry you have dealt with some nastiness lately in your romantic relationships. Remember, sometimes you have to go through the bad to get the good. Here's wishing you luck and good love in the future.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

soulsearch said:


> No, they were exclusive. I think the excitement of "new love" can keep a long distance relationship going. The stale boredom of marriage makes distance hard. Two very independent people can make it work, but it's like they are not in love- One couple I know, he drives truck, she said she is worried about them not being able to stand each other when he retires and is home.


If they know they want to make each other lives better, and be generally helpful to one another, I'm not sure how the time there is going to make it not work out. It's problems if someone is trying to boss or control the entire situation. But if the people know how to work together and split the load out, and enjoy working together, it can get much sweeter as time goes on.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Understood. Sorry you have dealt with some nastiness lately in your romantic relationships. Remember, sometimes you have to go through the bad to get the good. Here's wishing you luck and good love in the future.


Me too... I know how much of it is inside of ME...

Also what was crazy, is I had to be super strong to make it through the last bad relation, and even maintain some sort of mind...

I was strong enough to withstand other bad relationships, bad relationship formats.

I knew this was not going to be the way. The key was to be somewhat vulnerable, and just deal with people who know they don't want to violate you.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Not a perfect catch, but I make descent money and know how to treat a lady.
> 
> I was cheated on from around 2005-2011, 2007 is when I found out for sure... From 2007 to 2009, I tried to hang in there for the kids ( if only they will let me keep a descent image ), and from 2009-2011, I had come to the end of my rope and accepted that even a normal relationship is light years ahead of a bad one, I had been clinging onto our past "passions"... We had a lot of years of space age sex, and she used to love to cook. LOL.
> 
> ...



I sympathize with you! Being lied to, used and abused is not easy. No matter how long it has been, it is hurtful to look back and see that you wasted the best part of you with a loser. But I also think, I was very lucky I moved on. Moreover, I was lucky to have found someone awesome!

Clinging to the past and those memories wont get you nowhere. That only leads to pain, bitterness and it sabotages your present. It is an evil feeling.

Forgive that person and move on. That is what I did.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

soulsearch said:


> No, they were exclusive. I think the excitement of "new love" can keep a long distance relationship going. The stale boredom of marriage makes distance hard. Two very independent people can make it work, but it's like they are not in love- One couple I know, he drives truck, she said she is worried about them not being able to stand each other when he retires and is home.


I agree with this and I don't. I think it depends n the couple. The thing is, it can make the relationship seem more fun/exciting when there is an LDR aspect to it; since they don't see eachother often, so it's kind of like a novelty when they do; at the same time, the distance becomes very difficult and lonely. It's like living two completely separate lives. You have someone in your life but they are never around. It could feel depressing.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Ok guys, sob storying didn't help me before, would've been nice to have some people who understood. For some reason I've been reliving my past bad experience and getting a bad taste in my mouth. I know I need to put the past behind me, plan my course, and get back to trucking, staying out of bad situations where it is possible. And all of you must do the same too. Wish the best for everyone here.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> The thing with LDRs is, can you really know someone if you can't see them, talk to them every day, hang on the weekends, see how you will interact IN PERSON.
> 
> I think for some it works great (destiny!) and for others, not so much.


Yes, what does it take to know someone? With relationships that begin without face to fece meetings it is much harder to have a feel for when you know someone. You are exposed to less so it takes longer to get to know them. But over time you can get to know them. 

However look at it another way. How well do you really know the people you are in close proximity to? So many of the infidelity stories here blindside a spouse with secret knowledge that was hidden from them while they were living with their spouse. These spouses didn't really know them. I submit that most people see what they want to see then a relationship starts and it doesn't really matter if you are in close proximity or not. 

The question is how honest you can be with yourself about the little things that you don't like about someone. They are there but they are often ignored in favor of the potential of what we want to have or see. This effects both LDRs and other relationships alike.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I think, as adults, it is so important to go in "eyes wide open". Know yourself, learn about your SO, plan your goals, etc...

You have GOT to have a Plan B. Even in a local relationship...but especially when there are variables, like children, distance, careers, medical issues, etc... 

I had a Plan B when we met that first time. I had to. Far from home and all. I considered him to be strong, confident, sexy, smart, funny, handsome..... but what if he was gross in person? What if he smelled bad or chewed with him mouth open or something!  

I also had a Plan B when I moved 1100 miles to live with him. I had to be prepared... just in case. Nothing wrong with that... you HAVE to look out for yourself, even while investing yourself.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

SunnyT said:


> I think, as adults, it is so important to go in "eyes wide open". Know yourself, learn about your SO, plan your goals, etc...
> 
> You have GOT to have a Plan B. Even in a local relationship...but especially when there are variables, like children, distance, careers, medical issues, etc...
> 
> ...


My plan B is not to hop over to another person who I have sitting there and I maintain every so often. My plan B, is to get back to myself and to reutilize time that was consumed by the relationship in myself and my interests. If there is a new person it will be there.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

That's exactly right. You get you and your life in good shape. You don't NEED a relationship, but if someone comes along who compliments your life.... YAY.


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## kokonatsu (Feb 22, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Wow. So are you moving countries for him? Or do you have a job in place? Are you familiar with his country? Speak the language, etc? That is a big deal. Do you mean you have only seen eachother for two weeks last year? Or has he traveled, and vice versa for visits?


Yep, I am! no job official yet, but a couple opportunities to check into when I get there. 

It's been a childhood dream of mine to move to his area of the world, and I've lived in another (totally different) country from both mine and his for about 4 years, so living outside of my "comfort zone" is quite good for me. I actually hated coming back to my country, although it's been wonderful and i have really enjoyed my time with friends/family. Actually, most of the close friends I've had over the past 10-12 years are not even from my country, but exchange students/immigrants. 

I'm not really familiar with his country yet, but through getting to know him more, i've learned some since I've met him, and am so excited to actually be there and learn more about it! 

Neither of us have been able to travel to visit each other, sad to say, but knowing that I was going to his country in September has made it bearable.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well, guys. I called the LDR off. He is a really sweet man but the distance is not conducive to a normal relationship. The distance was a strain for me and I was not making me feel close to him, emotionally or otherwise. Had we met in different circumstances, we could have gotten to know eachother more organically but alas, that isn't the way it went down. I am not talking an hour apart. I am talking thousands of miles. On a plane. 

It was a nice experience though.



kokonatsu said:


> Neither of us have been able to travel to visit each other, sad to say, but knowing that I was going to his country in September has made it bearable.


Oh wow! You guys better visit eachother apart from you just moving to his country! Good luck to you.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Well, guys. I called the LDR off. He is a really sweet man but the distance is not conducive to a normal relationship. The distance was a strain for me and I was not making me feel close to him, emotionally or otherwise. Had we met in different circumstances, we could have gotten to know eachother more organically but alas, that isn't the way it went down. I am not talking an hour apart. I am talking thousands of miles. On a plane.
> 
> It was a nice experience though.
> 
> ...



I'm sorry things didn't worked out for you. Better times will come, for sure! A LDR is the toughest type of relation. It requires a lot of patience, commitment, trust and love. I've seen that many LDR fail when one or more of these requisites fail.

I am with you on the last one. I wouldn't move to a place without being there several times and making sure it was a good place for me. Specially, if its in a place where you don't know anyone and you are fully dependent of someone.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Memento said:


> I'm sorry things didn't worked out for you. Better times will come, for sure! A LDR is the toughest type of relation. It requires a lot of patience, commitment, trust and love. I've seen that many LDR fail when one or more of these requisites fail.
> 
> I am with you on the last one. I wouldn't move to a place without being there several times and making sure it was a good place for me. Specially, if its in a place where you don't know anyone and you are fully dependent of someone.


Thanks for the kind words and I so agree with the last part of what you said. Moving someplace totally new on a whim? Seems a bit impulsive.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

SunnyT said:


> That's exactly right. You get you and your life in good shape. You don't NEED a relationship, but if someone comes along who compliments your life.... YAY.


When people say plan B or plan C in my parts, it usually means another person waiting in the wings. They may even occasionally do dates and things, and intimate acts can occur. What usually happens is over time plan A becomes the greatest priority and the others drop off.

But some NEVER drop off plan B and plan C, almost like having 3 relationship partners and plan B and plan C may know they are "insurance" and OK with it! Plan A usually doesn't know.

To me it's cheating and being ****ty, man or woman.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

treyvion said:


> When people say plan B or plan C in my parts, it usually means another person waiting in the wings. They may even occasionally do dates and things, and intimate acts can occur. What usually happens is over time plan A becomes the greatest priority and the others drop off.
> 
> But some NEVER drop off plan B and plan C, almost like having 3 relationship partners and plan B and plan C may know they are "insurance" and OK with it! Plan A usually doesn't know.
> 
> To me it's cheating and being ****ty, man or woman.


I don't think she is from your "parts". What she meant was, she was prepared in case things didn't worked out. There is nothing wrong with that. Quite the opposite.

If you are in a strange land, you need to know what to do if something goes bad. In "my parts", that's called being smart.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Memento said:


> I don't think she is from your "parts". What she meant was, she was prepared in case things didn't worked out. There is nothing wrong with that. Quite the opposite.
> 
> If you are in a strange land, you need to know what to do it something goes bad. In "my parts", that's called being smart.


Well some of the territories I roam, the way I described is the norm. I'm working on doing more in the realms where you guys are talking about. I was just making you aware of how some of the others live.

After having throught through this, the best policy is to be self sufficient even if you are with someone, and never stop working on your goals. If you have a great life partner a great FRIEND who is adding to it and you adding to them, that's awesome. When they stop being a friend and a deterrent, a warden, a mole, a hinderer... You may have to get back onto your plan with out them.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Well some of the territories I roam, the way I described is the norm. I'm working on doing more in the realms where you guys are talking about. I was just making you aware of how some of the others live.
> 
> After having throught through this, the best policy is to be self sufficient even if you are with someone, and never stop working on your goals. If you have a great life partner a great FRIEND who is adding to it and you adding to them, that's awesome. When they stop being a friend and a deterrent, a warden, a mole, a hinderer... You may have to get back onto your plan with out them.


Treyvon, you clearly have some issues going on. It would be better for you to start your own tread instead of twisting other peoples words to discuss whatever is troubling you.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Memento said:


> Treyvon, you clearly have some issues going on. It would be better for you to start your own tread instead of twisting other peoples words to discuss whatever is troubling you.


I'm not troubled. When she said "Plan B", I did not know from which context... I'm not mad at all, just aware and like to understand who I'm dealing with and how they look at things.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

treyvion said:


> I'm not troubled. When she said "Plan B", I did not know from which context... I'm not mad at all, just aware and like to understand who I'm dealing with and how they look at things.


Conflicted?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Memento said:


> Conflicted?


Nope.

The alternate view of Plan B, etc is one I choose not to deal with. I know about it. So a better word may be "aware" and "making progress".


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## kokonatsu (Feb 22, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh wow! You guys better visit each other apart from you just moving to his country! Good luck to you.


Well, he hasn't been able to visit me, and while I have been able to, I actually chose not to, because I wanted to save my money and spend time with my family. Anyway, now it's like 44 days until I go. I also do have a return flight, which I may change or use or whatever, so I'm not worried about being stuck there. 

I consider myself a traveller, so moving to another country is not a problem, it's 95% exciting and 5% scary. Also, I did meet him in person and spent most of the time with him, working with him, for two weeks. 

wow, i'm so excited to go there again.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Did anyone else note that with a long distance relationship, as long as you can see each other at a good rate that the absense can make the heart grow fonder...

Have you also noticed if you cannot see them much if at all, that you can grow apart and the distance can wear on your love and your resolve?


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Well, guys. I called the LDR off. He is a really sweet man but the distance is not conducive to a normal relationship. The distance was a strain for me and I was not making me feel close to him, emotionally or otherwise. Had we met in different circumstances, we could have gotten to know eachother more organically but alas, that isn't the way it went down. I am not talking an hour apart. I am talking thousands of miles. On a plane.
> 
> It was a nice experience though.


You made the right choice if the distance was already a strain. Not everything we want is good for us. At least you had some fun and there will be more fun to come, I'll bet.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Didn't work out at all for me. My STBXW cheated on me for the first time within the first two months of being away from me (same country, different states). Then cheated again within another year. 

We still married (oh, I am a shining example of STUPID). She then cheated again (this time we were on different continents) and left me for the OM. 

The thing is, she always wanted to be with me, wanted to get married. But couldn't bear the distance and not having a man by her side all the time praising her every farts.

I don't know if there's anything wrong with me, but distance never caused my 'love' to get weakened ever. If anything, it only made my feelings stronger. I might be very sick, I guess. I don't think this is how normal people (like my STBXW) roll.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You did the right thing Jellybean.

You have to look out for yourself. The whole time we were long distance, I was asking myself...Is this working? Are there any negatives for me? Can I envision a future together? Is this "working toward our future" happening....logically? 

That's exactly what I meant about "eyes wide open". Keep assessing, and if it isn't cutting it... let it go. 

Good for you. Sorry it didn't work out, but you have a good attitude about it! That's how I looked at it too, if at any time I thought it wouldn't work... well, it was good while it lasted.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

life101 said:


> Didn't work out at all for me. My STBXW cheated on me for the first time within the first two months of being away from me (same country, different states). Then cheated again within another year.
> 
> We still married (oh, I am a shining example of STUPID). She then cheated again (this time we were on different continents) and left me for the OM.
> 
> ...


HOw many years. Your love can only turbo charge for so long to maintain itself, if it never gets to see the source of your affections.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

meson said:


> You made the right choice if the distance was already a strain. Not everything we want is good for us. At least you had some fun and there will be more fun to come, I'll bet.


Righto!



SunnyT said:


> You did the right thing Jellybean.
> 
> You have to look out for yourself. The whole time we were long distance, I was asking myself...Is this working? Are there any negatives for me? Can I envision a future together? Is this "working toward our future" happening....logically?
> 
> Good for you. Sorry it didn't work out, but you have a good attitude about it!


I didn't go into it thinking about marriage so it is all good. Good idea that you kept assessing and re-assessing as you went along. That is important. I am happy to see it worked out for you!


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