# i feel stuck in a hole



## LemonLimeDrop (Jan 20, 2014)

My husband and I have been separated for 3 years now. He initiated the separation, he left me out of no where with our 1 year old and 6 year old. He took me to court a month later for visitation but never filed for divorce. He said many times he was filing the papers but never did. In the passed 3 years he has come back every few months. Asking for another chance, and clamming he would never leave me and the kids again. When he comes back, he is great for 2-3 months. And then after his 3 months is up, he leaves me again. He goes from love to hate in a spit second. He loves and adores me one minute and next he wont even look at me. 



A little background, He is 40 yrs old I am 27. We got engaged and then decided to start trying for a baby. We got pregnant and got married. My parents let us live in there house until we could save some money to move out. We lived at my parents house for a year and then he moved out. He moved back to his parents house. He has messed with my emotions so much. He has messed with my kids emotions so much. He is so unstable. He will come back trying to make things work. I never let him move back in, it was always a trial period of making sure things were different. he would always leave again. He leaves over everyday stress, a disagreement, not wanting to communicate. Its normal everyday marriage stuff, that he runs out on. It hurts so bad that he can love me so much but then throw it all away over and over again. I don't get how someone can do that to their family. I take him back every time because I love him and I miss him and I hope so badly that it will be different this time around.



Fast forward to now. We started seeing each other again in May and by August he was gone again. In October he came back to love mode and we started to "work things out again". Here we are now and he left me again this weekend. The reason is he told me he wanted to live with me again and didn't want to go back and forth to his parents house. I told him if it was my house I would have let him move back already, but its not my house, its my parents. My mother told me months ago, that she will never allow him to move back in. She feels he should get a place of his own, he's 40 years old and married, she feels he needs to be responsible. So I told him he couldn't move back in, but if he wanted to live with his wife and kids again, he should get a place for us. He said he cant afford to move out. I told him he should bust his butt and try and better his position at his current job making more money, or maybe looking for something different. I told him, wouldn't you feel good as a man to provide for your family, instead of relying on my parents. He's been living with his parents since he moved out 3 years ago. Before we got married and he moved into my parents house he also lived with his parents. He flipped out on me and told me I was selfish and I need to figure out a way to have him move back. if not there is no point in being together again. He canceled all our credit cards and left me with nothing, AGAIN! This is the cycle, he leaves me with nothing every time he leave. He's mad, but life still goes on and I still need to buy food for our kids. it hurts so bad that he can do this to me and the kids, over and over again. 



Just last week he was telling me how in love he was, and so happy. Swearing he would never mess this up again. He wanted to start trying for another baby and get me pregnant. Now he's back to hate mode and shuts me and our marriage and our life out. This is what he does every time he comes back and then leaves. I keep taking him back hoping things will be better, But they never are. 



What do you guys think? Am I selfish for telling him he cant move back in? Its not my decision to make. I feel lost and hurt again. I cant take the hurt anymore. Now my kids are asking, why isn't daddy here. My kids suffer just as much as I do. It kills me inside that he can be so loving and so cold the next.


He has no future goal or motivation to have his own place. He just plans on living at his parents house and then moving back to my parents.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It's best if you stick to one thread. It's also the forum rules, I believe. You've got three going so far...

C


----------



## LemonLimeDrop (Jan 20, 2014)

Oh NO! So sorry! I didn't even realize that wasn't allowed.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It's ok. It just helps keep responses together. 

And I'm not a moderator or anything! 

C


----------



## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

He probably has underlying issues that are causing his actions and I would recommend counseling, and make it a requirement of taking him back. He would also have to take responsibility for his family and get a place for them to live that is not with family. 

I also think your mother did the right thing in not letting him return. It obviousness that you feed his actions without knowing it. He will have to be forced to grow up and take responsibility.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

"Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame in me" how many times are you going to believe him? After leaving you with two small children you should have gotten the clue that he's heartless ahole. You should look into individual counseling. Please realize you are his plan b, he comes to you for food and shelter. Why in the world would you consider having another child to struggle with alone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LemonLimeDrop (Jan 20, 2014)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> He probably has underlying issues that are causing his actions and I would recommend counseling, and make it a requirement of taking him back. He would also have to take responsibility for his family and get a place for them to live that is not with family.
> 
> I also think your mother did the right thing in not letting him return. It obviousness that you feed his actions without knowing it. He will have to be forced to grow up and take responsibility.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




He did go to a psych and got DX with depression and low grade bi polar. he is on 2 medications. He swears the medicine works and he swears he doesn't have bi polar. when I bring it up during one of his fits he says I don't have bi polar, stop trying to diagnose me. Im not the one who diagnosed him a professional dr has, but for some reason he still thinks hes fine. 

He went to counseling for a year during our separation, so he says anyways. In the opinion it didn't help. Because he still doing the same old things he did before. I swore counseling helped and stopped after a year. 

I been going to counseling for a year now, I started when he left me again last year. I needed to figure out why I keep taking him back and learn how to move on. The counselor has helped me in realizing why I take him back. Its hard for me, because I don't have much family or friends, so im alone. When he comes back into my life, it feel nice for a little while. But hten he goes back to horrible again. I need to stop taking him back, I know. 

I just cant believe how he reacted to me when it told him he isn't allowed here. At 40 years old why wouldn't you want your own place with your family. I still don't get it. 

It hurts and I hate myself for allowing him to hurt me over and over again. It will never change. 

I feel so embarrassed and ashamed that I allow this.


----------



## LemonLimeDrop (Jan 20, 2014)

mablenc said:


> "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame in me" how many times are you going to believe him? After leaving you with two small children you should have gotten the clue that he's heartless ahole. You should look into individual counseling. Please realize you are his plan b, he comes to you for food and shelter. Why in the world would you consider having another child to struggle with alone?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I know how stupid it sounds that I take him back. I know. 
I really thought this time was different, wishful thinking I guess.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Try sticking to 1 thread--seems you have posted 4 different ones about this.


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

It's never going to be different unless he gets counseling and works hard at changing for at least a year. Even so the odds are low.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LemonLimeDrop (Jan 20, 2014)

mablenc said:


> It's never going to be different unless he gets counseling and works hard at changing for at least a year. Even so the odds are low.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




THanks for the response. At this point I have lost all hope. I need to just start a life without him in it for myself. Its going to be hard. I cried today, depressed, sad.


----------



## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Oh honey, I hate reading threads like this. I know you want it to work out for the children but you have to know that this is causing so much damage to them. 

And why do you think so little of yourself that you continue to let this man use and abuse you? You certainly have codependency issues and you really need to work on that. Just because you are alone doesn't mean you have to be lonely. This man is not a prize. Having another child with him would be the worst mistake you could ever make. The second biggest is not putting yourself and your needs first. 

It doesn't matter what HIS problems are. They are not yours to fix. You have issues of your own that you need to overcome and become a stronger person. He's not the only one who can make decisions in this marriage. 

You are letting him eat cake. Stop it! 

Continue going to counseling. Listen to your mom and her advice. She sounds like a very wise woman. 

Good luck.


----------



## DifficultDays (Jan 22, 2014)

Please PM me, we have a lot in common and maybe we can help each other. My husband has left us (daughter and I) 3 times. It is a cycle. I am not taking him back this time. He is now doing a lot of things that I had wanted him to do in the past and to spend time with us and show he cares, but I do not believe it to be genuine... Do not let him back, he will continue to hurt you. Time to end it once and for all. I am trying to do that right now, as well.
Dump him for good and meet someone who respects you and will be there for you and your kids.


----------

