# Is a marriage still worth it?



## Esco (Oct 3, 2013)

I have a thread in CWI about my current situation going on with my wife. That a side and reading other stories on this forum I really don’t see the value in a marriage anymore. What’s the point of getting married now days if it’s just going to in a divorce for whatever reason? 

I look at everybody around me and all my friends that are married seem to be miserable and the only reason they don’t leave is the kids. All of my friends that are single seem to be generally happier and enjoy life a lot more. To be honest I was a lot happier before my marriage too. 

So is a marriage still worth it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's worth if it the two people involved love eachother and respect eachother and both have a commitment to making it work.

Otherwise, there is no point in a marriage. 

This is coming from a divorced lady who has no plans to ever marry again. 

I think for some people, who make it work and care, it's absolutely totally worth it. Others, not so much.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

If you want to raise kids, I still believe there's no better way to do it. If not, I'm not really sure what it's for.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

John Lee said:


> If you want to raise kids, I still believe there's no better way to do it. If not, I'm not really sure what it's for.


Not really. For people who abuse their kids and/or don't even like eachother, there is no point in being married. In fact that gives a worse example to the kids. 

My 2 cents.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I know this is a tough time for you Esco and despite all of my own challenges as a married man my life would be a complete waste without the experiences I have had in my married life. 

If I ever find myself single again I would marry but I would court the person I was serious about for a minimum of a couple years instead of the couple of months like the first time.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I used to think that you grow with someone. You share your life with one chosen person and that is unique and special. You have someone that cares about you, that can take care of you when your sick...

unfortunately, we sometimes end up with the wrong person. Personally, I will never marry again. But that's only from my own experiences. I still believe that some people do find that right person...it's just so rare and special that most of us never get to experience it. Those that do, are very lucky.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

The experiences in CWI are very skewed. I've been with my wife more than 40 years and happy. I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. Most our friends and family are about the same. I have seen dysfunctional marriages that both resulted in R and D, so I know what you see IRL. I have a belief that, other than immaturity and mental health issues, most marriages fail because the parties involved don't know what to do, then get frustrated and give up. 

So to answer your question, with the experience of 40 years sharing a life together, yes I believe it's more than worth it. 

BTW I read your thread in CWI. I know you don't have all the pieces put together yet, but I'm sure by now you have self examined your relationship. What do you suspect lead to this?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

best thing I have ever done. I cant imagine life otherwise.

25 years together.


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## Esco (Oct 3, 2013)

John Lee said:


> If you want to raise kids, I still believe there's no better way to do it. If not, I'm not really sure what it's for.



I used to want kids but now not really. Besides kids I don’t see why I would get married again as now I think am done with marriage as a whole. I just don’t see any value in it anymore.


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## Esco (Oct 3, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> I used to think that you grow with someone. You share your life with one chosen person and that is unique and special. You have someone that cares about you, that can take care of you when your sick...
> 
> unfortunately, we sometimes end up with the wrong person. Personally, I will never marry again. But that's only from my own experiences. I still believe that some people do find that right person...it's just so rare and special that most of us never get to experience it. Those that do, are very lucky.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with you. Only a handful of people end up with the right person. In my life I only know two couples that have stayed happy married, my grandparents and my boss. Everyone else I know is either going to D or is thinking about but stay for the kids


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Not really. For people who abuse their kids and/or don't even like eachother, there is no point in being married. In fact that gives a worse example to the kids.
> 
> My 2 cents.


Of course, not all marriages are good environments for kids. But playing the odds, and all other things being equal, who would you give the best chances of raising healthy, happy kids: 1) a married couple, 2) a co-habiting non-married couple, 3) a single parent? I'm not saying all married couples do a great job or that all single parents do a bad job, I'm just saying that marriage is still the best arrangement for raising kids, all other things being equal.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Esco said:


> I used to want kids but now not really. Besides kids I don’t see why I would get married again as now I think am done with marriage as a whole. I just don’t see any value in it anymore.


Don't you mean you don't see any value in your current partner?



Esco said:


> I agree with you. Only a handful of people end up with the right person. In my life I only know two couples that have stayed happy married, my grandparents and my boss. Everyone else I know is either going to D or is thinking about but stay for the kids


I think you should make a concerted effort to get out and meet different people. It would do you a world of good. 

How old are you and how long have you been married?


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## Esco (Oct 3, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> The experiences in CWI are very skewed. I've been with my wife more than 40 years and happy. I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. Most our friends and family are about the same. I have seen dysfunctional marriages that both resulted in R and D, so I know what you see IRL. I have a belief that, other than immaturity and mental health issues, most marriages fail because the parties involved don't know what to do, then get frustrated and give up.
> 
> So to answer your question, with the experience of 40 years sharing a life together, yes I believe it's more than worth it.
> 
> BTW I read your thread in CWI. I know you don't have all the pieces put together yet, but I'm sure by now you have self examined your relationship. What do you suspect lead to this?



I really don’t know what went wrong or why it went wrong. I was willing to do most anything to save this marriage before her affair. I really give this marriage 110%. I don’t know what else I could have done.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Esco said:


> I really don’t know what went wrong or why it went wrong. I was willing to do most anything to save this marriage before her affair. I really give this marriage 110%. I don’t know what else I could have done.


Maybe you did gave her 110%. That doesn't work, it's dysfunctional.


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## Esco (Oct 3, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> Don't you mean you don't see any value in your current partner?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I don’t see any value in her anymore and why should I. What I meant was I don’t see the point of getting married again if it’s going to end the same way as of now 

Maybe I do need to me new people because now every relationship seems to be the same story, just different characters.

I’m 29 now, together for 5 married for 4


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

At 29 relationships are in the early stage of defining themselves. 

You say you don't know what went wrong. You've been on the site a bit. Have you read any of the books, recommended in the many threads here, for insight yet? If you haven't, I suggest you do. At least for your own satisfaction about what went wrong and how not to repeat it. It will also help you be better prepared for your confrontation and resolution, what ever that may be. 

I wish you well.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If you do not find a spouse that is faithful and has your back, I would not ever marry again.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Esco said:


> Maybe I do need to me new people because now every relationship seems to be the same story, just different characters.
> 
> I’m 29 now, together for 5 married for 4


Oh holy cow. Are you effing kidding me? 

You are 29 you are talking like your life is over.

You know how old I was when I got married for the first time? 29. first kid: 39. We met when I was 24, lived together for 5 years and were engaged for a year. I guess you could say we are slow as molasses - but it worked for us.

Friend - you are just getting started. I say dont be so hasty in ruling out large chunks of life so quickly. We never wanted kids either.. neither of us. But after 10 years of marriage... suddenly we started warming up to the idea. Funny how things change once you realize things are going pretty darn well in your life.

Things change. Sometimes..perhaps often... for the better...if you let it.. doesnt have to be now. Its healthy to heal too. There is a difference between 'not now' and 'I will never...'.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Marriage is worth it for us! In fact our anecdotal experience is the opposite of yours. Most people we know have good marriages that have lasted more than a dozen years. We do know a few that have divorced but they are in a minority. 

Don't let you single data point discolor marriage for you when there may be people with whom it would work for you.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

I am getting married again soon so my opinion is obviously biased toward it being worth it.

But I see a lot of people who say "I just need to find the right person..."

This is my opinion, but I think that you have to focus on being the right person. Examine your life - see where you can make improvements.

Grow your circle of friends.

Fix up your house.

Improve your job situation.

Work out.

Volunteer somewhere.

Get rid of any addictions.

Get out and learn something new.

Etc. etc.


I did all of these things and more. And I also took a break from relationships until I felt the urge to try again. I did not feel like I had to have a relationship. I also did not feel like I was never going to find one either. I took the time I needed to heal my heart and soul, and to improve myself.

Anyone who has been in a bad relationship is suffering from the stress that relationship brought to you. You just need time to heal from that. And if you improve yourself in the process you will be a much better mate the next time around. Mostly you will be much more able to recognize a good mate, and to see how you are compatible in the areas that are important to both of you.

But if you give up then that is it for you. Just a long slow ride to the grave, all by yourself. What good is that?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You have a 60% chance of staying married (40% divorce rate, or more). Perhaps 1 in 10 of those who stay married are truly happy long term with each other.

You do the math!

When it does work really well, it may be worth it. However, it doesn't take marriage to achieve the same happiness. My marriage works exceptionally well, but it's far from a traditional marriage.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I use to ... Until a few years ago. 

Mine lasted 28 yrs, parents 62yrs...

~sammy


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Esco, I have asked myself the same question many times. All my lady friends are very unhappy with their husbands and how their marriages have turned out. A couple of these friends did divorce their husbands and I can say that the one is happy to not be with her husband but lonley. She has found men want one thing and she wants more than just sex. We have a male friend who has been divorced and he is happy that he has no one to answer to and can do what he wants when he wants but he is very lonely too.

I was talking to my counselor this week. I have been with my husband for 24 years. He is passive-aggressive and is emotionally distant, prefers to just spend time by himself. I tend to be independent, have my own career but at times I really miss having a conversation with someone that seemingly cares about me and most the time I get the feeling that husband would just rather I said nothing at all. 

Counselor asked me what I liked about my husband when I married him and what I like about him now. The answer was the same to both questions and I would suggest you ask yourself the same. He said that there is going to be good and bad in any relationship a person has, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship or a perfect person. We have the option to leave but counselor says by splitting the couple never learns to deal with the issues that they each need to face about themselves. We go on and think we are going to find that person that we connect with, go thru the love stage and feel this is going to last, that we finally did things right and then with time there's issues in the next relationship too. So he suggests trying to focus on the good in the person, accepting them the way they are instead of wishing they were something else and let all the other stuff go. 

I certainly don't believe anyone should stay in an abusive relationship and I think we have a rightful mind to decide when it is over and we just cannot continue to live the existence we are in but I think too weighing this information is good as well.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Yes, it's absolutely worth it!

I wasn't going to remarry after my divorce. Well, fate had other plans! We've been together 15 wonderful years now and we have been very happy since the day we met.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Here in Australia you just have to live with a woman for 6 months before you're considered de facto and thanks to the law shift since 2009... you're practically legally married with all the downsides and potential financial loss anyway.

Single life with a few girls on the side is probably best unless you find someone who's worth it and is just as dedicated as you in making it work.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> Mine lasted 28 yrs, *parents 62yrs...*
> 
> ~sammy


That is awesome.


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## still numb (Oct 31, 2012)

Just checking back in after a few weeks and the esco thread is gone?

What the heck happened? 

If anyone knows, PM me.

Thanks, 

SN


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

He was a troll.


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## still numb (Oct 31, 2012)

No way! That was all made up?!? That really su#cks.

How was it found out? Was there a blow up?


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

still numb said:


> No way! That was all made up?!? That really su#cks.
> 
> How was it found out? Was there a blow up?


Intuitive person saw similarities to Dreyes, reported to an also suspicious MOD who looked into it and found it actually was Dreyes. Ban-hammer ensues.


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## still numb (Oct 31, 2012)

Wow. Very, very dissappointing. I just don't understand the attraction to playing with people's emotions like that.


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

still numb said:


> Wow. Very, very dissappointing. I just don't understand the attraction to playing with people's emotions like that.


Neither do I. 

In my case, I get emotionally invested because I want them to come out the other side in better shape than I did. I dwell more about my fiancee's crap in the 1 hour I spend a week reading CWI threads than I ever think about in the 167 hours I'm NOT reading CWI.


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