# I feel very sad



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

I moved into a new apartment right before Christmas last year. The building got water problems last year, my upstairs as well. So I went to there to check if the water would come to my unit. E was living there, but had to move down to my floor and became my neighbor because it got very serious. This is how we met. The second or third time when we talked, I sensed something, and by women's intuition I thought he was looking for friend for benefits, and I am never interested. So I was kind of cool or cold all time. People do not bump into that often in the building even among those on the same floor. But for Jan. Feb. March, I bumped into with E more often than what I would consider coincidence, and I even think it was by his intention. For instance, when i discard garbage, I do not lock door, and I make quite unique noise with shoes. So I believe he knows I was leaving for short time, and when I was back, I bumped into with him. For instance, i go for a walk for 30-40 min almost every morning. When i was back I bumped into with him in front of elevator...... With time, I started to like him more and more. I was hoping he could ask me out. But he never did. Does this mean he only wants sex, but if he asks me out it would be beginning of true romantic relationship, and this is not what he wants? Or is it because I was always a bit distant?

Career wise we both are quite well established. He with MS, me with PhD. He is in his middle 30s, and I am older than him.

All stopped around Easter, and I felt that he has been avoiding me. E is physically involved with another neighbor. Please grant me trust on my opinion on this. I know them both well enough to say it is only for sex, none of them is serious. Besides, she is moving out in a few days.

I tend to believe I should just move on, but feel sad and cannot focus on my work.

I can tell for sure, he does not want me to know what is going on. This is not cheating, but in strange way, he does not feel comfortable to let me know. I learned it out purely by accident. And after I learned this, I tried to avoid going out at any time that can be awkward. All the time they are involved, he has been avoiding me, we never bumped in.

I would like to know:

Is it that what he was expecting from me earlier this year is only physical pleasure, nothing romantic or nothing about relationship? Or if I reacted positively, it might have developed to romantic relationship?

Did I make mistake and miss something?

Will there be anything after the girl moves out? Or it is something that is already damaged, like a broken mirror that cannot be put together, and better just move on?

Yes, I am old, but romance wise very inexperienced.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

He was interested for you but not interested in dating / courting you properly. When you didn't fall into bed with him he moved on to the other neighbor who was willing to have NSA sex. She's leaving. If she is going close by they may carry on. 

Until he asks you on a proper date & gets to know you on a time table you are comfortable with and until the two of you have a discussion about commitment & exclusivity, things with him are a no go so you are best served putting him out of your mind. He doesn't want what you want . If you give in & have sex with him you will only end up more upset & feel empty because it's only sex not love.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> He was interested for you but not interested in dating / courting you properly. When you didn't fall into bed with him he moved on to the other neighbor who was willing to have NSA sex. She's leaving. If she is going close by they may carry on.
> 
> Until he asks you on a proper date & gets to know you on a time table you are comfortable with and until the two of you have a discussion about commitment & exclusivity, things with him are a no go so you are best served putting him out of your mind. He doesn't want what you want . If you give in & have sex with him you will only end up more upset & feel empty because it's only sex not love.


Thank you very much for your reply.
So it is not that because I was cool or cold, but because he only wants sex, that is why he did not ask me out. Is this correct?
If so, he will never ask me out.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

No one can really read his mind to know for sure. He could have been interested in you at one point, but it seems that he's not at the moment. 

When he was pretending to bump into you (so you supposed), you acted cold and built a,wall in front of him, because for some reason you concluded by women's intuition that he only wanted sex from you, when you actually never went out with him or really had any type of deeper interaction with him for you to made the assessment that he only wanted sex from you. Not wonder why he stopped. Most likely he realized that you put a wall between, so he moved on.

I don't know how much older you From hom you are, and although some men would only be interested with an older woman for sex only, could it be that you made that assumption based on that, because you're older?


----------



## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

If a woman I was interested in acted nothing but cold towards me it wouldn’t take long for me to assume she has zero interest and I’d move right along.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your seduction technique leaves a lot to be desired. You find someone attractive so you are cold to him whenever you meet him. 🤔
You say you are an educated woman, have you any common sense though?


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> Your seduction technique leaves a lot to be desired. You find someone attractive so you are cold to him whenever you meet him. 🤔
> You say you are an educated woman, have you any common sense though?


Yes， I totally agree with you.
I am completely missing the skills as woman to seduce man.
PhD does not help here.
I hope she moves out ASAP, and with time, the hurt will dwindle, and when he approaches me, I learned how to react.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

Maia.2022 said:


> Yes， I totally agree with you.
> I am completely missing the skills as woman to seduce man.
> PhD does not help here.
> I hope she moves out ASAP, and with time, the hurt will dwindle, and when he approaches me next time, I learned how to react.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Maia.2022 said:


> Yes， I totally agree with you.
> I am completely missing the skills as woman to seduce man.
> PhD does not help here.
> I hope she moves out ASAP, and with time, the hurt will dwindle, and when he approaches me, I learned how to react.


All you have to do is smile and say “good morning” when you meet him. If he’s interested he will start a conversation with you.


----------



## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Maia.2022 said:


> and when he approaches me, I learned how to react.


You have to make up your mind on how serious you are about exploring this option -- if this is an option you want to explore, then I am not sure why you have to wait for him to approach you. From what you suggest, it sounds like he tried that a bit and the chances that he is going to do it again is practically zero. 

So if you are interested, then just be more forward with him the next time -- just ask him to have coffee (or tea, or whatever the beverage of choice is in your part of the world).


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Maia.2022 said:


> So it is not that because I was cool or cold, but because he only wants sex, that is why he did not ask me out. Is this correct?
> 
> If so, he will never ask me out.


If you are too cool or aloof you can give a man frostbite & he will not ask you out because you are giving on signs that the answer will be no. It takes bravery to make the 1st move so why would a man risk rejection? Playing hard to get is not the answer. 

You said that you got the sense he only wanted sex. I went off that because I don't know either of you.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What’s the age difference?


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Openminded said:


> What’s the age difference?


Yes, since he's mid-30s and at one point she said


> *Yes, I am old*


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Maia.2022 said:


> Thank you very much for your reply.
> So it is not that because I was cool or cold, but because he only wants sex, that is why he did not ask me out. Is this correct?
> If so, he will never ask me out.


You were right to be cool. Keep being cool.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

Mr. Nail said:


> Did you want a romantic relationship? or did you want to avoid any man who was interested in sex?


I want romantic relationship and sex comes way later.
He barely knew me when we met 2nd 3rd time. I thought unless he only wanted sex, why would he be interested in me.
I was not sure, and I guess I was acting based on worst scenario.
Then, it is still very mixed thoughts. I hoped he could ask me out, but then, everytime, I was a bit avoiding him.

But I can feel the pain of being cheated without being in a relationship. He kind cheated without being in a relationship. I feel the pain, but I understand we are not in relationship, and he is free.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Maia.2022 said:


> I want romantic relationship and sex comes way later.
> He barely knew me when we met 2nd 3rd time. I thought unless he only wanted sex, why would he be interested in me.
> I was not sure, and I guess I was acting based on worst scenario.
> Then, it is still very mixed thoughts. I hoped he could ask me out, but then, everytime, I was a bit avoiding him.
> ...


Is it possible some of your confusion comes from your existing FWB relationship? You worry about a guy having an overtly sexual interest in you, while at the same time engage sexually with another guy who has no romantic interest in you.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

Casual Observer said:


> Is it possible some of your confusion comes from your existing FWB relationship? You worry about a guy having an overtly sexual interest in you, while at the same time engage sexually with another guy who has no romantic interest in you.


No, never had any FWB. I am extremely strict in this sense. Completely no sex for long time.
I guess i was overly cautious. To me, sex must be based on a lot of love, if not, I would rather have no sex. I think I expect same from my partner. It is very disappointing he had FWB just in this situation


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Maia.2022 said:


> No, never had any FWB. I am extremely strict in this sense. Completely no sex for long time.
> I guess i was overly cautious. To me, sex must be based on a lot of love, if not, I would rather have no sex. I think I expect same from my partner. It is very disappointing he had FWB just in this situation


My apologies; I misread!!!
So what is the age difference between you?


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

When you say sex comes way later, how long is way later?

Weeks? Months? A year?

How long do you expect a man to wait?

For people in their middle 30s and later, do people in your country really care what level of education you have? Especially when referring to how well you've done in your career? I only ask because this would come off as arrogant where I live in the US. 

I'd look into some therapy as to why you felt cheated on. You even recognized you shouldn't feel that way because he was never with you. That seems very odd to feel that way. 

Acting cold towards him isn't going to get his attention if there are other women around him that act kind and warm. Doesn't matter what the culture is. Why would any man want to push through a cold barrier to try and date a woman if other women were more warm and open and wanting to socialize?

I'd suggest you go after what you want to get your answer. Be warm and open. See if he bites.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> When you say sex comes way later, how long is way later?
> 
> Weeks? Months? A year?
> 
> ...


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

It's probably because he didn't feel that you were showing him enough interest. People stop pursuing after a while if they are not getting anything in return, and I don't mean sex. Yes, maybe you were too cold towards him. Who knows?.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

I think in a way, more or less, he knows what I feel for him, but he did not like the way I acted.
For instance, once on a Saturday morning, I was going out, and I hear he opened his door, also going out. Then, I stopped at my door, waited until he left, and I passed by his door and went out side. I saw him walk toward the other direction, and watched his back for a while. He saw me when he was crossing the street. This was early or middle March. There are some other things, he surely knows, I think.
I can understand why he did not ask me out.
He became totally avoiding me, starting around Easter. They started NSA sex around that time.
At least there is a bottomline that he would have one woman at a time.

I guess what bothers me is that how can he do that without love? Does this mean, in the future, if he feels the urge, without love, if his partner is away, as long as his partner would not know, he would do it?
I guess it depends on the person. But people who can do NSA sex while in some very ambiguous situation with a woman would have higher rate for infidelity?
I think that woman's happiness should not depend on a man. But how can you fall in love half hearten.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You avoided him. So he got the hint that you were bothered by him. 

A single unattached man who engages in NSA sex is not necessarily a cheater. There are lines based on one's level of commitment. You need to get to know somebody to determine where that person draws the lines. 

Some people can have NSA sex. IMO it's easier for men because their sex organs are external. As a woman, we have to take another person into our bodies & that changes the emotional dynamic. It's not a universal truth because many women, including me, can detach the physical from the mental / emotionally but if you can't, that is OK. Be true to yourself. 

All in all it does not sound like you & this guy are compatible. He struck your fancy due to his proximity not necessarily because you are a good match


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Reading these posts I wonder if the whole thing is in your head.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

ccpowerslave said:


> Reading these posts I wonder if the whole thing is in your head.


It is both in the physical world as 2 entities moving around, and in my head based on observations and logical deductions.
You are right, it is different from people who go to sex directly, but it is in real world, just another form of existence.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

What healthy man would not 'want' sex as soon as possible?

Yes, a quality man will wait.
With eager anticipation....and frustration!

You said you can do without intimacy, if you must.

It sounds like you are LD, or low desire, referencing sex and intimacy.

You are who you are, (which is OK), but do not expect most men to be like this.

Most men will assume you will be sex averse, even after marriage.
And, why would they not?

When men have partner choices, most will pursue them.


I would recommend finding a healthy man much older than you.
A man who can wait, his loins no longer being on *fire*.

This man in your building is not likely a good candidate, in my opinion.
That said, it will ultimately be you making that choice.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> What healthy man would not 'want' sex as soon as possible?
> 
> Yes, a quality man will wait.
> With eager anticipation....and frustration!
> ...


I think this forum is very helpful, because people make effort to help, and opinions and suggestions are very helpful.
I learned much about how to look at it from another perspective.
I still like him very much.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Maia.2022 said:


> I still like him very much.


Then you are going to have to find a way to communicate that to him. I would start by smiling & saying hello when you see him around the building.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> Then you are going to have to find a way to communicate that to him. I would start by smiling & saying hello when you see him around the building.


I will.
Thank you all so much.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Our value is, what it is we offer to others.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Maia.2022 said:


> I think this forum is very helpful, because people make effort to help, and opinions and suggestions are very helpful.
> I learned much about how to look at it from another perspective.
> I still like him very much.


But you’re concerned about his morals and just a tiny bit obsessed/jealous regarding his present relationship. I still believe it likely the age difference could be clouding your judgment, perhaps causing you to think, what does this young girl who knows nothing have to offer vs me? You may be discounting her qualities a bit too much. Your potential beau is at an age where he still feels he is in his sexual prime and there’s no need to settle down. He has no biological clock telling him he needs to settle down quickly but, when he does, he may be looking for someone to have kids with. Where are you in that regard?


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Maia.2022 said:


> I think in a way, more or less, he knows what I feel for him, but he did not like the way I acted.
> For instance, once on a Saturday morning, I was going out, and I hear he opened his door, also going out. Then, I stopped at my door, waited until he left, and I passed by his door and went out side. I saw him walk toward the other direction, and watched his back for a while. He saw me when he was crossing the street. This was early or middle March. There are some other things, he surely knows, I think.
> I can understand why he did not ask me out.
> He became totally avoiding me, starting around Easter. They started NSA sex around that time.
> ...


I think you are over analyzing a man you really don’t know.

how do you know he doesn’t have deep feelings for this woman? How do you know so much about their relationship? Do you talk to him about it?

your story of how you went out of your way to avoid him but then watch him…. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s wondering why you avoid him but also watch him.

if you want to get his attention, I strongly suggest speaking with him. Get to know him. Everything you’ve done to this point is sending him signals that you aren’t interested so he’s going to look elsewhere.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I think you are over analyzing a man you really don’t know.
> 
> how do you know he doesn’t have deep feelings for this woman? How do you know so much about their relationship? Do you talk to him about it?
> 
> ...


Yes, now i recall several things, and can understand why he never asked me out.
I recall another thing. He has a friend living in the same building. At one point, he suddently started to ignore me when we bumped in to on street. I am sure he saw me, but treated me like air or transparant. Not once, probably good 4 times this year. He is very very nice person, very nice to everyone. When i talk with him on messenger, he is very polite and caring. I a little bit suspect the guy I fancy talked with him and told him how I was ignoring....


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I think you are over analyzing a man you really don’t know.
> 
> how do you know he doesn’t have deep feelings for this woman? How do you know so much about their relationship? Do you talk to him about it?
> 
> ...


About the other woman, I prefer not to disclose too much. I know no one knows whom i am talking about, but it might make me sound condescending. Honestly, I never felt jealous. It would be laughable.
No, all they had was NSA sex. She already moved out, and when i heard the room will be available soon, I never worried if she is moving in with him. He did not help her for moving or anything. He did not want any one to know anything about this.

I am wise enough never bring this up with him even if we will be together, but surely I will find out where his lines are.


----------



## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Maia.2022 said:


> I moved into a new apartment right before Christmas last year. The building got water problems last year, my upstairs as well. So I went to there to check if the water would come to my unit. E was living there, but had to move down to my floor and became my neighbor because it got very serious. This is how we met. The second or third time when we talked, I sensed something, and by women's intuition I thought he was looking for friend for benefits, and I am never interested. So I was kind of cool or cold all time. People do not bump into that often in the building even among those on the same floor. But for Jan. Feb. March, I bumped into with E more often than what I would consider coincidence, and I even think it was by his intention. For instance, when i discard garbage, I do not lock door, and I make quite unique noise with shoes. So I believe he knows I was leaving for short time, and when I was back, I bumped into with him. For instance, i go for a walk for 30-40 min almost every morning. When i was back I bumped into with him in front of elevator...... With time, I started to like him more and more. I was hoping he could ask me out. But he never did. Does this mean he only wants sex, but if he asks me out it would be beginning of true romantic relationship, and this is not what he wants? Or is it because I was always a bit distant?
> 
> Career wise we both are quite well established. He with MS, me with PhD. He is in his middle 30s, and I am older than him.
> 
> ...


He have had opportunities to talk to you and ask you out but he didn't. This is on him. You should not feel guilty or sad.

If you really like him then you can ask him out and see how it goes. 

But do you think he is a good match for you? You believe in a romantic relationship but he is OK with having NSA sex with women in general? This is risky behavior on his part.

When I met my (now) wife, I did everything that I could to let her know that I liked her, and wanted to marry her.

My point? When a man really likes a woman, he shows it to her in different ways. 



Maia.2022 said:


> Yes, now i recall several things, and can understand why he never asked me out.
> I recall another thing. He has a friend living in the same building. At one point, he suddently started to ignore me when we bumped in to on street. I am sure he saw me, but treated me like air or transparant. Not once, probably good 4 times this year. He is very very nice person, very nice to everyone. When i talk with him on messenger, he is very polite and caring. I a little bit suspect the guy I fancy talked with him and told him how I was ignoring....


He is ignoring you? He might not be into you very much.

Given your credentials, I am sure that you can find many men to date you if you are willing. There are so many platforms that facilitate dating. Maybe try one or two?


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> He have had opportunities to talk to you and ask you out but he didn't. This is on him. You should not feel guilty or sad.


This I am not very sure about.
For instance, I was trying to tell him something about his mailbox, but felt shy or awkward. So I put a sticker note on his door. After a while I went out to check if it is taken, and he was coming back from work. When I saw him, I quickly slid into my room.
Would he insist come to my door and knock, as i have been acting like this?
He is a German, and as far as I have experienced, German men have extremely strong pride. They never admit they did anything wrong. Unlikely they would chase after someone who is trying to avoid him, may be too prideful for this?

I am not sure.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

In the beginning all were very normal, and I suddenly started to behave like this. I cannot understand myself, but a lot of mixed reasons.


----------



## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Maia.2022 said:


> This I am not very sure about.
> For instance, I was trying to tell him something about his mailbox, but felt shy or awkward. So I put a sticker note on his door. After a while I went out to check if it is taken, and he was coming back from work. When I saw him, I quickly slid into my room.
> Would he insist come to my door and knock, as i have been acting like this?
> He is a German, and as far as I have experienced, German men have extremely strong pride. They never admit they did anything wrong. Unlikely they would chase after someone who is trying to avoid him, may be too prideful for this?
> ...


Women being shy is not unheard-of. 

When you put a sticker-note on his door, did you mention your name on it? 

Like this:

_Message
Regards,
Name_

It can be helpful.

He might feel encouraged to talk to you, to thank you for something that you did for him. But he must know that it was you.

And what about other situations in which you two could talk to each other? You two never exchanged any words?


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

I'm not interested in fwb either. Never have been and never will be. A way you can find out if he is just looking for fwb is to start saying hello to him and chat about your days etc. Don't bring sex or wanting a relationship into it. Just talk and be friendly every time you see him. If he isn't interested he would start ignoring you, then just forget him. If he is interested and keeps chatting etc then you may have a chance of dating him. A decent man wouldn't want to rush you into bed, if they know that you don't want to rush into that. Instead of avoiding him, ignoring, start saying hello and start conversations. Even put on something nice to wear that will make him think wow she is hot lol. Don't invite him into your apartment just yet, if you do date him go to somewhere local, and avoid each others apartments because that could lead to sex lol. You have a good head on your shoulders. If you do go on a date with him let friends and family know his name, where he lives, car he drives (no plates) wishing you luck and keep us posted.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Maia.2022 said:


> In the beginning all were very normal, and I suddenly started to behave like this. I cannot understand myself, but a lot of mixed reasons.


Long term, what are you looking for? Do you want to settle down and have kids?


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> All you have to do is smile and say “good morning” when you meet him. If he’s interested he will start a conversation with you.





SunCMars said:


> What healthy man would not 'want' sex as soon as possible?
> 
> Yes, a quality man will wait.
> With eager anticipation....and frustration!
> ...


Then, I started to wonder about Mr. and Mrs. Macron.
During his prime ages when he is on fire, she is already very old, unlikely can have normal sex, but probably a lot of intimacy. Does this mean intimacy would be enough for a man on fire?


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Maia.2022 said:


> Then, I started to wonder about Mr. and Mrs. Macron.
> During his prime ages when he is on fire, she is already very old, unlikely can have normal sex, but probably a lot of intimacy. Does this mean intimacy would be enough for a man on fire?


There are reasons the Macrons are the exception. You will be hard pressed to find other similar examples. There are so many reasons it is not likely to work. But… WHAT is not likely to work? You have avoided the question, just teased us with ideas of how much older you are than the man you fancy.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

Sorry I gave you impression of teasing people. But didn't mean to tease anyone.
I am very private person, usually do not like to disclose my private life private thoughts.
I started the thread out of desperation after crying half day last weekend. I would feel comfortable to disclose information as much as needed to get help to get answers for my questions. No one knows what his plan is for his life, probably he himself does not know for sure or is flexible.
But it definitely is not a story of a miserable old woman competing with a young girl and failing miserably.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Yes, a quality man will wait.
> With eager anticipation....and frustration!
> 
> You are who you are, (which is OK), but do not expect most men to be like this.
> ...


I recall more things.
It was probably middle of March. I was back from morning walk, and bumped into him at the front of elevator. He gave me a very sad face with full of frustration, and when I walked away from him, I felt his eyes lingered on me long time.

I think he must be thinking I must be sex averse, because he observed I never stay overnight outside my apt, never any men visited my apt.
The truth is that I started to desire him middle of Feb.
What I have been doing?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Maia.2022 said:


> Then, I started to wonder about Mr. and Mrs. Macron.
> During his prime ages when he is on fire, she is already very old, unlikely can have normal sex, but probably a lot of intimacy. Does this mean intimacy would be enough for a man on fire?


On Ladies:

When they age, ladies can make do.
Ladies can get revved up and make the dew.
Or, a little lubrication will oil the purse's chamber.

On Men:

For men, it is harder.
Oh, actually it is not!

.............................................................

Are you saying you are 'on fire', seeking heavy and hot sex?
If so, then a man your age, or younger is the better choice.

You can only hold back a man 'anxious_ to go_', for _so long._
Otherwise, he will say '_so long_' and will seek a willing and sexually active partner.

............................................................

My question:

Do you (will you) enjoy sexual relations with a man you find appealing, a man you have feelings for?

Your early words indicated that you can do without intimacy.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

Maia.2022 said:


> I recall more things.
> It was probably middle of March. I was back from morning walk, and bumped into him at the front of elevator. He gave me a very sad face with full of frustration, and when I walked away from him, I felt his eyes lingered on me long time.
> 
> I think he must be thinking I must be sex averse, because he observed I never stay overnight outside my apt, never any men visited my apt.
> ...


My intuition told me that he was waiting there to show me that sad face.
What i was thinking?
I think I was very sticking with one idea that unless he asks me out formally, he must be looking for FWB. Then, I can only be cool.
This makes me cry.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Maia.2022 said:


> I recall more things.
> It was probably middle of March. I was back from morning walk, and bumped into him at the front of elevator. He gave me a very sad face with full of frustration, and when I walked away from him, I felt his eyes lingered on me long time.
> 
> I think he must be thinking I must be sex averse, because he observed I never stay overnight outside my apt, never any men visited my apt.
> ...


If you date him and get intimate with him, know that it will not be the intimacy that will win him over (long term).

It will be your personality, both of your mutual compatibilities and both of your 'chemistry's'.

The worst that could happen would be this budding relationship ending with you being disappointed.
He could be one of those men who are only looking to score, to boot his ball past the goalie.

A good thing would be (likely) your enjoying the moment. 
Good memories might be made.

Such is life, such is dating.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> A good thing would be (likely) your enjoying the moment.
> Good memories might be made.


Do you mean better just stop here with good memory?
Because more likely, someone who can have NSA sex would disappoint me as the more i know him?

For things I care most, I tend to find worst scenario interpretation .


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

There is a lot going on here. 

First, you seem obsessed with this guy you barely know. . .observing his comings & goings, reading into every encounter & thinking about his interactions with the other woman. You believe he pays attention to the fact that you never stay overnight out of your apartment & have no gentlemen callers. In reality he probably never noticed. 

Despite your obsession you behave like a ninny around him. You hide from him but stare. You are not warm & friendly but you messenger him. You are giving him mixed messages so he has no idea what to do with you. Because you aren't consistently welcoming he has decided you are not worth asking out. He thinks you have already rejected him & friend-zoned him so he's not going to waste his time. 

He has also figured out that you two are not compatible. He is somebody who likes sex & who is willing to have NSA sex. He may not want a commitment. You are a more old fashioned person who reserves sex for a committed relationship. Your drive is probably much much lower then his. He knows this & is uninterested in putting in all of the hard work to woo you when he can get his physical needs satisfied much more easily by other women with hardly more effort than showing up. 

I genuinely think that you will be better served finding a different man whose morals & views on relationships are more compatible with yours. All I see that this guy has going for him with respect to you is proximity. He's really not interested in what you are looking for: commitment.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> There is a lot going on here.
> 
> First, you seem obsessed with this guy you barely know. . .observing his comings & goings, reading into every encounter & thinking about his interactions with the other woman. You believe he pays attention to the fact that you never stay overnight out of your apartment & have no gentlemen callers. In reality he probably never noticed.
> 
> ...


I believe that a man who had NSA sex after more than 3 months abstaining from sex does not necessarily prefer a woman who would have NSA sex. May be it was a choice out of no choice at that time, because he was on fire.

I think that somehow you seem to know him better than I do.
We talked quite a bit late last year and early this year.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I just don't want to see you get hurt.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Maia.2022 said:


> Do you mean better just stop here with good memory?
> Because more likely, someone who can have NSA sex would disappoint me as the more i know him?


You are risk averse, it seems.
Yes, it would likely begin with an NSA, or a FWB.

*Most adult relationships go this route.*

You are in Denmark, are you not?

Is this not the Bohemia of the North?

Casual sex is the norm in many parts of Europe, Denmark, being the epicenter of sexual freedom.
Unfortunately, you are the odd-person here.

Keep looking for a better choice, there are plenty of fish in the sea. 
Maybe, use those online dating sites?


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> You are risk averse, it seems.
> Yes, it would likely begin with an NSA, or a FWB.
> 
> *Most adult relationships go this route.*
> ...


I am in Denmark, but he is German.
Can we conclude he is looking for NSA or FWB? Aren't this kind of things things that people try not to go to public or not let others know? I tend to think he talked about me with someone else in the building.
But I am sure the recent his NSA, I am the only person who knows. It is well likely he had NSA with her because he knew she is moving out.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Maia.2022 said:


> Can we conclude he is looking for NSA or FWB? Aren't this kind of things things that people try not to go to public or not let others know? I tend to think he talked about me with someone else in the building.
> But I am sure the recent his NSA, I am the only person who knows. It is well likely he had NSA with her because he knew she is moving out.


No we can't conclude he is only looking for NSA sex / FWB. All we know is you think he had sex with this woman & she has now moved out. You don't have any facts about their interactions. They could have stayed up all night talking. They could still be together. You really don't know anything but you are making a number of assumptions. 

As to what people let others know about themselves & their choices that varies. Some folks are open. Others are more discrete.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> No we can't conclude he is only looking for NSA sex / FWB. All we know is you think he had sex with this woman & she has now moved out. You don't have any facts about their interactions. They could have stayed up all night talking. They could still be together. You really don't know anything but you are making a number of assumptions.
> 
> As to what people let others know about themselves & their choices that varies. Some folks are open. Others are more discrete.


I cannot disclose all information to show you that nsa with the girl is over. Please trust me. I am most pessimistic person, and even I am convinced it is over. I cannot tell you more about the girl. I tend to believe that he had NSA with her, because he knew she is moving out. He does not take it something that he can easily let people know without discomfort.
It was only because he was on fire after almost 4 months, and made the choice. I was in Germany for 5 years, and I know his logic: he is not in relationship with anyone, committed or not, he clearly explained to her it is only about sex, and will not continue as she moves out, he will not interact with me meantime, ....... then his behavior is justified by his standard.


----------



## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Maia.2022 said:


> I cannot disclose all information to show you that nsa with the girl is over. Please trust me. I am most pessimistic person, and even I am convinced it is over. I cannot tell you more about the girl. I tend to believe that he had NSA with her, because he knew she is moving out. He does not take it something that he can easily let people know without discomfort.
> It was only because he was on fire after almost 4 months, and made the choice. I was in Germany for 5 years, and I know his logic: he is not in relationship with anyone, committed or not, he clearly explained to her it is only about sex, and will not continue as she moves out, he will not interact with me meantime, ....... then his behavior is justified by his standard.


You have your observations which are instructive to you.

But he have also emotionally affected you to the extent that you now grieving for his lack of attention that he used to give you early on?

If you have his number then give him a call and see how he reacts.

If he points out that he is dating somebody - you have your answer. Move on.

If he is cold - you have your answer. Move on.

If he is responsive then offer him to have a drink with you in a cafe. Point is to learn more about him and evaluate him on the lines of being a suitable relationship material for you (or not).

Reach out to him but do NOT bend your values for him. Let him know that you desire commitment in a relationship and will not settle for NSA arrangement. Possibly marriage down the road. If he is genuine and likes you then he will try to win you over.

I lurk in manospheres where I see men talking very openly about women. Many are willing to score when they have such opportunity (predictable) but all appreciate women who value themselves and desire commitment in a relationship (wifey material) as they put it.

You should feel better now.

So reach out to this man, and provide an update of how he responded to you. 

I (or others) cannot help you move forward unless you provide meaningful updates.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

From your Avatar, can we assume that you are of a different race then this other apartment tenant (renter)?

If true, this adds complexity to the mix.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> You have your observations which are instructive to you.


Yes , from what I have observed, somethings I am very sure, somethings I have questions.



> But he have also emotionally affected you to the extent that you now grieving for his lack of attention that he used to give you early on?





> If you have his number then give him a call and see how he reacts.


We always talked in person, did not exchange number.



> If he points out that he is dating somebody - you have your answer. Move on.
> If he is cold - you have your answer. Move on.


I know him well enough to say that if he is dating anyone, he would not have NSA. So, no he is not dating anyone.
He cannot be cold to me, because he has been completely avoiding me since Easter. I think by the time he started NSA sex with her.
The girl moved out last Friday.
May be it would be odd for him to interact with me as soon as the girl moved out. Or he will never interact with me. This I am not sure.



> Reach out to him but do NOT bend your values for him. Let him know that you desire commitment in a relationship and will not settle for NSA arrangement. Possibly marriage down the road. If he is genuine and likes you then he will try to win you over.


I never thought about the values. It was so natural to me. I desired him, but to me, it was more than desire to have sex.
I start to rethink about my values.



> I lurk in manospheres where I see men talking very openly about women. Many are willing to score when they have such opportunity (predictable) but all appreciate women who value themselves and desire commitment in a relationship (wifey material) as they put it.


Probably it was not sex that he wanted. I do not know. probably some interesting interactions discussion. I ran away all time.



> You should feel better now.
> So reach out to this man, and provide an update of how he responded to you.
> I (or others) cannot help you move forward unless you provide meaningful updates.


He is completely avoiding me still, no chance even meet or talk.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> From your Avatar, can we assume that you are of a different race then this other apartment tenant (renter)?
> 
> If true, this adds complexity to the mix.


You are right. He is German, and I am East Asian, but went to school in North America and Germany,
I thought I knew the culture. Probably of part of the culture.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Maia.2022 said:


> _ his behavior is justified by his standard._


Ja!

His behavior is a clear indicator of his moral standards.

He is a _casual lover_, maybe a selfish opportunist.
Vielleicht, er ist ein hedonist.

This is a common phenomenon in today's Western World.

I would, _denken mich erst_, that this is the prevalent cultural behavior, in Northern Europe.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Yes!
> His behavior is a clear indicator of his moral standards.
> 
> He is a _casual lover_, maybe a selfish opportunist.
> Maybe he's a hedonist.


I would like to disclose a bit more information just to get help from you get more insights into this.
I think he had long term relationship with one girl for 8-9 years, and I believe he made some sacrifice to be with the girl. I do not know all details though. I think they broke up 4 years ago, no hope for getting back. Ever since, I think he has not been in relationship, but probably had casual sex a lot.

Could you please expand your opinion/


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Maia.2022 said:


> Yes , from what I have observed, somethings I am very sure, somethings I have questions.
> 
> We always talked in person, did not exchange number.
> 
> ...


What is your goal here...why do you feel the need to analyze him and try to figure him out? Are you planning on approaching him and asking him out? Or if he started giving you attention again, would you avoid him again?

It doesn't matter about this other woman he was having sex with being gone now, because there will be another woman next, and then another one, and then more.

What it sounds like to me is that you liked him but when you weren't sure of him, instead of feeling curious and excited to learn more about him, you hid and avoided him, which I'm sure made him think you don't like him anymore. And now he stays away from you.

So unless you are willing to make the first move and reach out to him assertively, you will probably never talk to him again. Which path are you going to take?


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> Ja!
> 
> His behavior is a clear indicator of his moral standards.
> 
> ...


How can you say so much about him...the only thing she knows is that she went to his apartment several times and now she is gone. How does that indicate anything about his morals or standards or anything else?

As a matter of fact, the OP was acting one way to him while actually feeling something very different in her heart and mind...so that could be true for this guy as well. 

Appearances can very often be deceiving.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> What is your goal here...why do you feel the need to analyze him and try to figure him out? Are you planning on approaching him and asking him out? Or if he started giving you attention again, would you avoid him again?
> 
> It doesn't matter about this other woman he was having sex with being gone now, because there will be another woman next, and then another one, and then more.
> 
> ...


My goal is that I hope I can do my work. I have been so totally distracted and destructed. I found out the Sunday before last one that he has been having NSA sex with the girl.

I think he probably will never approach me again, not avoiding me would be max. He probably decided I am sex averse.

I cannot approach him. It is strange culture, but in my culture, women are submissive, but with strong pride.
Unlikely he would approach me anytime soon. I think he pretty much guessed I know what happened between him and the girl. It would be odd like sex seeker to switch to me soon.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> How can you say so much about him...the only thing she knows is that she went to his apartment several times and now she is gone. How does that indicate anything about his morals or standards or anything else?
> 
> As a matter of fact, the OP was acting one way to him while actually feeling something very different in her heart and mind...so that could be true for this guy as well.
> 
> Appearances can very often be deceiving.


Probably he is only trying to help me.
People can look at the issue from different angle and give different descriptions.
He might think this angle of perspective is best for me at this point.
I know that at the point, I should just move on, but i feel overwhelming regret as well. A lot of things come to my mind.


----------



## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Maia.2022 said:


> I would like to disclose a bit more information just to get help from you get more insights into this.
> I think he had long term relationship with one girl for 8-9 years, and I believe he made some sacrifice to be with the girl. I do not know all details though. I think they broke up 4 years ago, no hope for getting back. Ever since, I think he has not been in relationship, but probably had casual sex a lot.
> 
> Could you please expand your opinion/


You seem to know much about this man. If this is true then this breakup affected him profoundly, and he might be Red-pilled in manosphere terms. He is having NSA sex with women in general, and he is avoiding you completely. He have managed to affect you by ignoring you even though you do not have any relationship with him. To him, this might be a trick or technique to affect you. To you, this is not healthy.

You should be mentally strong, and stop obsessing over this man.

You can choose to date men and search for the right one for you. This is how you can move forward.

Do you have too many years to waste obsessing on this man? Think long and hard.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> You seem to know much about this man. If this is true then this breakup affected him profoundly, and he might be Red-pilled in manosphere terms. He is having NSA sex with women in general, and he is avoiding you completely. He have managed to affect you by ignoring you even though you do not have any relationship with him. To him, this might be a trick or technique to affect you. To you, this is not healthy.
> 
> You should be mentally strong, and stop obsessing over this man.
> 
> ...


I know that the best thing I should do is to just move on.
There are things that can have different explanations. For instance, he is avoiding me, because he had NSA with the girl, and by his logic, to justify himself, he cannot have interaction with me, and this should last for a while. You can also explain it as he completely lost interest in me.
I do not know if NSA sex is his general life. When I moved in end of last year, I saw him going out after 10pm, and I though his friend had emergency. Now I think he might went for sex.
After that, I never saw any situation that made me think that way. As far as I have noticed, he seemed to be at home all nights, and never saw any woman coming to him. But I myself do not go out that much. After dark, mostly in my room, occasionally go out to discard garbage. I thought he has very traditional view about sex.
I am only speculating, but it might have been difficult for him to be abstain from sex for several months.

Right, I have wasted half year. I should stop here.
If I let this go on, I would not be able to make enough money to make living.
From tomorrow I should forget about this.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

I think that every reply is very helpful. Thank you.
I hope I can have a convincing conclusion. If I can be sure he is a bad person, I can move on. My opinion fluctuates all time.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> What is your goal here...why do you feel the need to analyze him and try to figure him out? Are you planning on approaching him and asking him out? Or if he started giving you attention again, would you avoid him again?
> 
> It doesn't matter about this other woman he was having sex with being gone now, because there will be another woman next, and then another one, and then more.
> 
> ...


This is very typical carefree American spirit. I really wish hope I can have this. Then, things could have been very different.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I don’t want to offend you here but I have read all your posts and you actually seem to be stalking this guy. You know an awful lot about him. 
Please be careful. Either approach him or back off completely, otherwise you could find yourself in trouble.


----------



## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Maia.2022 said:


> Right, I have wasted half year. I should stop here.
> If I let this go on, I would not be able to make enough money to make living.
> From tomorrow I should forget about this.


Please do.

Think like this:

1. You are a Quality Women and you deserve better than this. You will have OPTIONS.

You might be SHY in person but your take on relationship(s) is healthy in my view. You might be wifey material to many a men out there but you need to go out and talk to them to know better.


Cyberspace will provide you much insight and opportunities to interact with men around the world.
Personal interactions are valuable and instructive on their own.

Do not loose hope.

2. This man have given you some perspective and taught you some lessons with his behavior.


You know better now.
You can do better now.
You can choose to date men yourself.

You might be enrolled or have a job in a university. You might find some quality men there. Go and talk to them.

3. Do NOT obsess over any man. This is not healthy for you.


Respect your body.
Respect your health.
Strengthen your mind.
Prioritize self-development.

You have a living to make. Do NOT forget this.

If you need general pointers for dating, this website and others are helpful.

If you want to check some contents about men and how they tend to view relationships on social media platforms for general knowledge sake, then DM me, or explore yourself. YouTube is your friend.

Best of luck.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> How can you say so much about him...the only thing she knows is that she went to his apartment several times and now she is gone. How does that indicate anything about his morals or standards or anything else?
> 
> As a matter of fact, the OP was acting one way to him while actually feeling something very different in her heart and mind...so that could be true for this guy as well.
> 
> Appearances can very often be deceiving.


True.
My apologies.

I am making our OP wary, and you weary.

I shall cease all my worry words.

Our dear is spinning like a top, from reading our contrary advice.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I feel at this point you are just someone who he is worried watches him enough to jam up his game if you wanted to. I don't think he's interested in anything beyond sex, and that may not even be on the table any longer.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Maia.2022 said:


> Probably he is only trying to help me.
> People can look at the issue from different angle and give different descriptions.
> He might think this angle of perspective is best for me at this point.
> I know that at the point, I should just move on, but i feel overwhelming regret as well. A lot of things come to my mind.


Your loneliness comes to my mind.
You are very vulnerable, for sure.

As mentioned, your cultural upbringing has hamstrung you...
Seemingly, in a sad way.

A fish out of its native pond, you be.

You are not as free as you might be.

Find a man from your old culture, if possible.

Life is rarely easy.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Maia.2022 said:


> If I can be sure he is a bad person, I can move on. My opinion fluctuates all time.


You have to know yourself & what you want as a starting point. 

I don't think he's a bad person but I do think he may be the wrong person for you to try to date. You are traditional which is lovely but he seems to prefer a more modern women who is open to more casual sex. That is not you & he may not be looking for commitment at this point. Plus I think your behavior has made him see you in an unflattering light.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> I don’t want to offend you here but I have read all your posts and you actually seem to be stalking this guy. You know an awful lot about him.
> Please be careful. Either approach him or back off completely, otherwise you could find yourself in trouble.


Then he did stalking me no less than I did.

In that sense I stalk everyone. I catch all details and my brain process all information non stop when i am awake.
The way I found out the NSA is that one morning when I was going out, I smelled strong perfume from his door that stopped a neighbor's door. Then I realized a few min before i went out, I heard door openning / closing. There can be only one explanation.
I am pretty sure other people would not think, and would not know what it means, but my sensor system catches all details all the time, and my brain processes it all the time.
People socialize in events and communicate on fb group all time in the building. So more than usual interactions among people in the building. Imagine I catch all details all time....


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Find a man from your old culture, if possible.


It would not make life easier.
In my country, one of my college classmate went to the first date with a freshman when he was working for MS, and ended up on bed. The girl got pregnant, and both dropped school. He kept committing adultery and wife constant mental diseases.
I am extreme, i would never let such man to touch me. I would prefer sex averse.
Adultory in my country is not necessarily lower rate than in Denmark.

Religion would not help much either. Not necessrily people in Church are more decent.
I used to go to Catholic church, not any more in Denmark.

I lived in a room with separate entrance in a house of German when I was there. The family has a couple in their 50s, 2 daughters, one son. 2 daughters live near by and son is still in school. 3 couples, the ones in 50s and the daughters and partners, I can hardly imagine they would commit adultory. I sang a Catholic church there, and it was hard for me imagine any of them would commit adultory, or FWB or NSA sex.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

I recall more details.
The time he showed interest was the 3rd time we met. Four of us were talking about the water damages when I got a WhatsApp message from an architecture boy upstairs. The boy said he is back and we can talk. So I announced to the group and suggested to go upstairs. In the stairways he acted overly, and I thought he was looking for sex.
There were some other things happened, and I am quite sure he was jealous because I was talking with the architecture boy all time.
It was unfari judgement on him from me.
I do not thik he is particularly looking for a woman who wants casual sex When he could not have what he wanted, he went down to have some fast food to squench fire.
I was down all day today because he still seems to avoid me.
All the time during NSA he avoided me, because it is not something he takes pride in.
I guess it will take time before he would arrange bumping into me.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Maia.2022 said:


> I recall more details.
> The time he showed interest was the 3rd time we met. Four of us were talking about the water damages when I got a WhatsApp message from an architecture boy upstairs. The boy said he is back and we can talk. So I announced to the group and suggested to go upstairs. In the stairways he acted overly, and I thought he was looking for sex.
> There were some other things happened, and I am quite sure he was jealous because I was talking with the architecture boy all time.
> It was unfari judgement on him from me.
> ...


All this and we still don’t know if you’re 5, 10, 20 years older than him. And yes it does make a difference.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

Casual Observer said:


> All this and we still don’t know if you’re 5, 10, 20 years older than him. And yes it does make a difference.


You sound so thoroughly obsessed with age.
I am very stubborn. I made decision and will not change.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Maia.2022 said:


> You sound so thoroughly obsessed with age.
> *I am very stubborn. I made decision and will not change.*


And maybe THIS is why you are in your room sad because of the situation you are in.

Why are you asking for help if you refuse to take any advice or answer any questions?


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Maia.2022 said:


> You sound so thoroughly obsessed with age.
> I am very stubborn. I made decision and will not change.


Why then are you here? If you pick and choose information based on a pre set determination, what will ever change? Are we just an exercise in mental masturbation, a toy to play with?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Unless you believe in Magic, in Leprechauns and Martians, we can do you no harm.

Any facts that arrive on our doorstep have no feet in their shoes.

_King Brian_ is thousands of years old, _Lilith_ is now 53.

_Sunny Mars_ is in his early forties, _Are Dee_ ain't saying!

_Nemesis_ is near as old as _Brian_.

_THRD i_s really ancient, and is the oldest of the the clan, of the _HeadMates_.

*The Red Queen* is 2500 years old and does not look a day older than 30.

*Red Dog* is near, 100, he was resurrected after being killed at age 20.


Fear not, we fear no one.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> And maybe THIS is why you are in your room sad because of the situation you are in.
> 
> Why are you asking for help if you refuse to take any advice or answer any questions?


I think I took all pieces of advice, just one piece at a time, because I cannot go to all directions at once.
Honestly I do think each reply has something that I can learn, except from one person.

I answered all questions honestly, except those from one person who is trying to fit me into his story: an old woman feeds her sexual desire from FWB, and had some bad experience from previous FWB and am cautious now, and miserably lost when competing with a younger woman for FWB with a younger man.
To me, this is just disgusting story that I would like to ignore.
I decide ignore all questions from this particular person.
I honestly wonder how miserable his life has to be if this is the way he can feel better - to imagine or convince himself someone else is more miserable than him, ....


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Maia.2022 said:


> I think I took all pieces of advice, just one piece at a time, because I cannot go to all directions at once.
> Honestly I do think each reply has something that I can learn, except from one person.
> 
> I answered all questions honestly, except those from one person who is trying to fit me into his story: an old woman feeds her sexual desire from FWB, and had some bad experience from previous FWB and am cauious now, and miserably lost when competing with a younger woman for FWB with a younger man.
> ...


Sigh. You’re digging yourself into a hole. You’re refusing to be open to new ideas. The concept that there are seasons of life we go through, men and women, and this may be a reason you’re not a match for this man. It has nothing to do with the nasty things you’ve taken to thinking. It’s about the compatibilities of men and women of differing ages. The different things each might be looking for. You see yourself as a sort of Philosopher King ok Queen but you’ve set up barriers to learning. Those here only know what you tell them, and I’m not the only person who questions what you won’t answer.

You may not be getting the help you need. But perhaps that doesn’t matter. You may be getting validation for what you already believe. That’s not unusual. We all seek it to a greater or lesser extent. But growth comes when we work at putting validation aside.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

I feel much better now.
Surprisingly, when I wrote the posts, I recalled a lot of details, and I can understand the whole thing better, and can understand him.
He will continue to avoid me probably this month, because with his logic, this is needed to justify his recent NSA thing. Otherwise, he may feel himself a player.
I recall a lot of details. No, he is not a player, or seeking only sexual things. I guess a man at his age, it would be difficult not to have sex or intimacy for months， and i am sure more or less he feels a bit embarrassed. He did it because he found a way to justify himself. I will always pretend not to know this. Never bring this up.
When I see him again, I will talk to him just like in the beginning. I am quite outgoing, not in the sense going to party or bar, but in the sense easily making interesting conversations.
I will not feel shy or awkward. I feel I know him better, understand him better.

Meanwhile, I must take care for my work.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Maia.2022 said:


> When I see him again, I will talk to him just like in the beginning. I am quite outgoing, not in the sense going to party or bar, but in the sense easily making interesting conversations.
> I will not feel shy or awkward. I feel I know him better, understand him better.


I think this is a good plan. Be warm & sociable. Best wishes.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

There are just that much we can do about our lives, and leave the rest to God. It is important not to interfere God's job. Let Him do His work. Worrying would be interfering.

I will live on my life with or without him, and try to enjoy it. Most importantly take care for my work.


----------



## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Maia.2022 said:


> I moved into a new apartment right before Christmas last year. The building got water problems last year, my upstairs as well. So I went to there to check if the water would come to my unit. E was living there, but had to move down to my floor and became my neighbor because it got very serious. This is how we met. The second or third time when we talked, I sensed something, and by women's intuition I thought he was looking for friend for benefits, and I am never interested. So I was kind of cool or cold all time. People do not bump into that often in the building even among those on the same floor. But for Jan. Feb. March, I bumped into with E more often than what I would consider coincidence, and I even think it was by his intention. For instance, when i discard garbage, I do not lock door, and I make quite unique noise with shoes. So I believe he knows I was leaving for short time, and when I was back, I bumped into with him. For instance, i go for a walk for 30-40 min almost every morning. When i was back I bumped into with him in front of elevator...... With time, I started to like him more and more. I was hoping he could ask me out. But he never did. Does this mean he only wants sex, but if he asks me out it would be beginning of true romantic relationship, and this is not what he wants? Or is it because I was always a bit distant?
> 
> Career wise we both are quite well established. He with MS, me with PhD. He is in his middle 30s, and I am older than him.
> 
> ...


Stay away dangerous


----------



## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

Maia.2022 said:


> I moved into a new apartment right before Christmas last year. The building got water problems last year, my upstairs as well. So I went to there to check if the water would come to my unit. E was living there, but had to move down to my floor and became my neighbor because it got very serious. This is how we met. The second or third time when we talked, I sensed something, and by women's intuition I thought he was looking for friend for benefits, and I am never interested. So I was kind of cool or cold all time. People do not bump into that often in the building even among those on the same floor. But for Jan. Feb. March, I bumped into with E more often than what I would consider coincidence, and I even think it was by his intention. For instance, when i discard garbage, I do not lock door, and I make quite unique noise with shoes. So I believe he knows I was leaving for short time, and when I was back, I bumped into with him. For instance, i go for a walk for 30-40 min almost every morning. When i was back I bumped into with him in front of elevator...... With time, I started to like him more and more. I was hoping he could ask me out. But he never did. Does this mean he only wants sex, but if he asks me out it would be beginning of true romantic relationship, and this is not what he wants? Or is it because I was always a bit distant?
> 
> Career wise we both are quite well established. He with MS, me with PhD. He is in his middle 30s, and I am older than him.
> 
> ...


He’s not interested in working on a relationship. He just wants a NSA friends with benefits type of arrangement. I think you’d be better off dating a mature man seeking meaningful companionship. If you have limited experiences in romance, proceed with caution. Guard your heart. It’s a special person who can be intimate and enjoy sex with no expectation or exclusivity. You need to be forthright about your relationship goals and agree on the boundaries. 
good luck


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Unfortunately (maybe fortunately) none of us are mind readers and we don't have the advantage of the first hand experiences you've had interacting with this man. Everything is going to be a best guess. Honestly I think that is what you are doing too, just with the benefit of first hand knowledge of your interactions with him. You never really confirmed his intentions. 

It seems to me that he took the hint that you weren't interested in him, regardless of what he was interested in. He could have been looking for the love of his life or a quick hook up, either way if you acted cold to him it is quite natural that he would back off in either case. Your woman's intuition said he only wanted NSA sex. His man's intuition said this woman isn't into me. For all we know he may have just been trying to be a nice neighbor, but you gave the vibe that you wanted nothing to do with him. 

The change in behavior when he started hooking up with the other neighbor could mean he didn't want to be seen as a player trying to hookup with multiple women at the same time. Maybe that is part of his moral and ethical makeup. I find it hard to believe that the changes were due to embarrassment about hooking up with her, which I think is what you have been implying. But again, this is all a best guess. 

I think you either need to give up and forget about him, or you will need to become the pursuer if you are interested in a relationship with him. I don't see any reason why he would try to pursue you again, if that was what he was doing in the first place. It seems you already made it clear to him that you weren't interested. Unless you do something to change his perception of the situation I wouldn't expect a change in his current behavior. In fact if he does start to pursue you again after this woman is gone it tells you he has no issue with quickly moving on to the next woman.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> In fact if he does start to pursue you again after this woman is gone it tells you he has no issue with quickly moving on to the next woman.


This I would not agree with you.
With that woman, it is purely a few NSA sex. Nothing emotional or that kind, so nothing about moving on.
I am quite sure that he chose her among so many people is after he learned she is moving out. And I am pretty sure there is nothing attached between them. I am sure he made it clear to her.
A friend of mine who is German, says he would never have NSA or FWB with anyone in same building not to mention same floor, because in case it goes bad, he does not know what could happen.

So it is not exactly moving on.

Also another friend of mine who is french living in Germany just broke up with gf, and is dating on Tinder. He is very average, i would say quite decent person, but on tinder, part of reason is to find someone to sleep as well.
I guess guys need sex.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Unfortunately (maybe fortunately) none of us are mind readers and we don't have the advantage of the first hand experiences you've had interacting with this man. Everything is going to be a best guess. Honestly I think that is what you are doing too, just with the benefit of first hand knowledge of your interactions with him. You never really confirmed his intentions.
> 
> It seems to me that he took the hint that you weren't interested in him, regardless of what he was interested in. He could have been looking for the love of his life or a quick hook up, either way if you acted cold to him it is quite natural that he would back off in either case. Your woman's intuition said he only wanted NSA sex. His man's intuition said this woman isn't into me. For all we know he may have just been trying to be a nice neighbor, but you gave the vibe that you wanted nothing to do with him.
> 
> ...


But you are right, there are so many first hand information that is impossible to write all.
I started to feel tired.
From another thread about anxiety and jealousy of a man, I started to think that one needs critical logical thinking when one takes advice.


----------



## Maia.2022 (7 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Unfortunately (maybe fortunately) none of us are mind readers and we don't have the advantage of the first hand experiences you've had interacting with this man. Everything is going to be a best guess. Honestly I think that is what you are doing too, just with the benefit of first hand knowledge of your interactions with him. You never really confirmed his intentions.
> 
> It seems to me that he took the hint that you weren't interested in him, regardless of what he was interested in. He could have been looking for the love of his life or a quick hook up, either way if you acted cold to him it is quite natural that he would back off in either case. Your woman's intuition said he only wanted NSA sex. His man's intuition said this woman isn't into me. For all we know he may have just been trying to be a nice neighbor, but you gave the vibe that you wanted nothing to do with him.
> 
> ...


I honestly start to feel very tired.
For this thread, i am the person who has been going through, so I might be biased, etc.
For the other thread, I can see how people can counter help. Yes this judgment can be subjective, but that is how I feel.
But again, seeing the truth may not help him, the truth might be too brutal, and he may not be able to cope. Then better let him live in his dream, so the counter help in fact is best help.


----------

