# Final update... done all i can..wait? or move on? plz advise.



## capacity83 (Feb 13, 2011)

hi guys...
I have other posts on my story but..
To cut the story short, ive been with my wife for 6 yrs. Have a 4 yr old. Been together when she was 16 and me 21. Now she is 22 and im 27. 
2 months ago she gave me the whole "love you but not in love with you" speech. I broke down, cried, beg. In the first 2 weeks it was still fine, we were still having good sex etc. But the drama got worse as time went by and i have since moved to my sisters place and sharing custody with her. Basically now, she has told me she only wants to be my friend and its final, no sex anymore and she does not love me. 
During this time, she has been partying hard with her new group of young friends (19-21 yr olds) and i suspected there was an affair with this guy. My wife is a very young and attractive 22 yr old. She gets all the attention from guys and stuff. Well, this guy she calls a "platonic" friend is a playboy (good-looking, bad boy type). They've been hanging out and just last weekend, i heard from some friends she was really drunk and 4 of them (2 guys and two girls) went to a friends place to stay. Im not sure if shes sleeping with him yet. 

Ok two days ago was our anniversary. I asked her out for dinner but she texted back saying theres no point but i managed to get her out saying its our last anniversary together. I treated her to one of the very best restaurants we have around. After dinner, i took her to my mum's new house (not fully built) into our room (that was built to be our room). Having her sit in the car, i lit up candles from the garage to our room. I layed down a mat and got a bottle of champagne. We both started drinking but not much. Then we talked about our problems and i talked about this third person(the guy). She said they're just friends and even if she is seeing or sleeping with someone she wouldnt tell me. I told her, i hope she understands its the only way ill get over her. She said if thats the case then she may go and sleep with someone just for me to ger over her. Then, i initiate sex. She said "if u want me like this, then lets do it!". She grabbed me and kissed me. About 30 secs later, she said im not going to do it. I sort of forced her down but she got annoyed and said no im not going to do it. I gt emotional and started weeping. And so we left. We started talking on facebook chats yesterday, i asked if she wanted to be "friends with benefits" no strings attached. She declined and said i just want us to be friends for the sake of our child, no more sex. 

My question is... what should i do???? i love her with all my heart..i was her first love and everything. The break-up was quite ugly considering her mum and sis dislike me now and so does her friends. I have done things im not proud of, such as use physical violence once early in the relationship( i didnt hit her but i grabbed her by the neck and pushed her) and gambling habits. We both are students and are getting help from our parents throughout the years. My friends say shes choosing to leave because im 27 and i have nothing and that theres so many guys out there that she could get. Handsome, rich etc etc.. im just clinging on due to our son.. i dont want him to have the same fate as our parents( both sides are divorced) and both of our sister's are divorced as well.. She probably thinks it normal now since that her sister has a new bf and has moved on. The thing is... her doctor has asked her to seek councelling for her own issue. I have told her why dont you go councilling before making any hasty decisions. Her answer was "im not ready yet". 

All im saying is that... is thr still a chance? or should i let go and move on...


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I know there will be some that tell you to let her go and there will be some that tell you to fight for who you love. I can tell you from experience to only do what you feel in your heart is the right thing to do. I'm a fighter at heart and I have been fighting for my marriage for the last 5 months. I will tell you that the most difficult thing to do may be to fight because it will be easier to just move on. It's hard watching someone you love essentially run from you, but I expected that it would be difficult and it has. I'm not trying to scare you or to convince you to do anything. If you do feel as if you have some fight in you, there are tons of people who have good advice on what you may be able to do to make a difference. The best advice I received was to work on yourself. You are the only one you can control. You can't control your wife so don't try. Work on yourself and maybe she will notice some changes and rethink her stance. Do some deep thinking about your part in where your marriage is and make some changes. I wish you all the best in whatever you choose to do. Just know that there are several here who are or have been in your shoes. We are here to support you.


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## Gilgamesh (Dec 15, 2010)

the way i see it, your wife is moving on herself...its been 2 months....i can say from personal experience the more u push the "i love you" and depression and miss you card, the more your chances will be obliterated.

Move on with your life, not necessarily with another woman, but with life in general, go do ur job or studies, be there for ur son. seeing ur ex everytime you pick up ur son will kill you...do not let her see this. Dont text, talk, see or anything else unless it involves ur son. If she is interested in this other man, its going to happen no matter what you try and do. Yea that hurts....but only time will make her see either faults in the other man, or something she misses about you...

DO NOT BE FRIENDS.....trust me that doesnt work!....its also the worst line u can hear from ur ex....trust me i know....dont ask her questions, dont tell her about ur life, if you do have friendly conversations, talk about work and what your planning to do with your son...thats all....asking or talking about her friends or other men she may be seeing will show her ur jealous and u still love her, she will use that against u.

If you really want her, just keep calm and collected at all times...i didnt do those things, and its alot harder to speak it then to actually do it. as time goes on you will either miss her more, or start to move on urself, maybe find someone else...but above all else dont let her play you....if she does come back soon and says she wants you back, give it a couple days before you reply, dont rush back trying to be the knight in shining Armour.... 

whenever your feeling down, or you feel like texting / talking to her, type something on this site instead....get ur frustrations out on here, dont let her find out that your hurting.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Yeah, I reckon Gilga has pretty much nailed it.


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## capacity83 (Feb 13, 2011)

thanks guys for the quick replies...

I know i cant stop her from seeing others... and i would feel that she's dirty after she sleeps with someone else because she has only been with me. I could forgive her but resentment is always thr and i dont think i could handle that! knowing that some guy or a whole lot of guys has *#@)*#@) in her and stuff... 

I may be selfish but i honestly do not like that guy (third person) and i think he just wants to get in and out, hes only 20 and my wife has a 4 yr old. He wouldnt be able to handle married life nor my son. I suppose if it were another guy i would be happier but all the hints - they've been facebooking a lot at each other's status etc etc.. perhaps he'd already bang her for all i know!.. i hope not tho! but from how im seeing it... even if it hasnt happened yet...l believe it will if they keep going out and getting drunk together. 

Another thing was i caused a fight 3 weekends ago with the guy at the club my wife hangs out. I ran up to him and pushed him because i saw he was sitting beside her. His friends came in and hit me from the side and ended up with a bleeding lip. Wife came up to me and screamed "whats ur problem" crying and slapped me and said "im not ur wife" in front of my friends. The guy wanted a one on one fight and i backed down not because i was scared but becos i had no reason to. Would this have effected the way my wife looks at me? as in " a loser, coward"

thanks for the support..


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## Gilgamesh (Dec 15, 2010)

No matter WHAT you do....she will always think of the bad things that happend before ur marriage ended, doesnt matter what you do / say / how u act. Only time, and constant calmness and keeping urself busy....then she may start noticing....

and i hate to say it mate....but it HAS happend with the other guy....or someone else....my ex kicked me out and had sex with another man 3 weeks after our 7 year relationship 3.5 year marriage...and i was her first.....whatever you think you know about ur wife....throw it out the door, break ups change people...your wife will now start doing things that she never used to do, even if they are small things, and also....she will do new things to hurt you, that is why i said dont ask questions about her life, dont try and be friends, because it will hurt u more the more u find out.

keep as strong as u can, move on with ur life, dont get involved in her personal life, and as time goes on you will either see too many bad faults in her to want her more, or you will get a second chance with her and take it, the decision will be upto YOU...not her.

o and also....you wont like ANY other guy she is with....no matter if they are a bad ass or a nerdy geek....because you still want her to be ur wife..and noone elses....that resentment / jealousy / grudge will only hurt you....just ignore the other guy....pretend they dont even exist....and if your ex says something about the other man, change the subject quickly as u can and without saying its affecting you....she will get annoyed at this, seeing that you dont care about him. or her troubles for that matter. it will make her feel like you are fine without her and that shes having problems and will second guess herself.
The only time you get involved....is if the other man abuses ur son either physically or emotionally....pray to god that doesnt happen, but if it does.....even ill come help you with him


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## questionmarkwife (Mar 22, 2011)

Gilga, thanks for the advice. I'm in a similiar situation but I'm the wife that wants husband more than he wants me. I know what to do for him to notice me more. Ty
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gilgamesh (Dec 15, 2010)

im glad i can help you, hopefully it works out for everyone, this site helps alot of ppl. wether it be to help reconcile or help move on, keep in touch on here and there is plenty of people in almost exactly the same situations. 
hell the other day i was an absolute mess, my 6 month anniversary i guess u can call it....of being separated....but you get that....days where it feels unbearable...days where u feel strong and life seems to be getting better....worst words in existance is "it takes time" but in all honesty....thats all it takes...time and keeping urself calm and in control.
make a plan or a goal...and stick to it...dont go off the sidelines...whenever something bad happens or u feel u cant take it, talk on here, or to a real friend....another thing i should add...is try ur best to not talk to family about it....because they are all completely one sided, and most the times they will tell you to forget or hate ur ex, thats not something you want to hear, thats something you want to decide for urself.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

capacity83 said:


> thanks guys for the quick replies...
> 
> I know i cant stop her from seeing others... and i would feel that she's dirty after she sleeps with someone else because she has only been with me.


I think this might be part, or mostly, the problem.
She hasn't experienced life with anyone else, only ever had sex with you, it maybe that she feels she has missed out on a big part of growing up, she hears stories from girlfriends about how they partied with this that and the other bloke etc, blah blah blah, and this has led to discontent.

I believe that is a big part of why my wife wanted out, though she never said, and would never say it. They become unhappy with themselves, but it is so much easier to push that blame onto someone else, makes them feel better if they don't have to accept the blame themselves.


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## capacity83 (Feb 13, 2011)

UPDATE

Ok ive moved out for a 3 weeks now. Havent seen my ex wife for over 2 weeks. LAst night she facebook'd me and wanted my new mobile number to "Talk about our son" from time to time. I declined and said to go through my dad or fb msg me. Im so sick of talking to her tbh... I know keeping a relationship with her is good for our child but i really do not want to be "friends", i cant handle the fact she left me for partying or perhaps another guy which she wont even admit. They have been hanging out (my ex and that guy) as friends i guess in a group. The thing is im not ready to talk to her yet. What do u guys think? She's being selfish in the sense that she wants everything her way.


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## Gilgamesh (Dec 15, 2010)

personally....i think ur doing the best thing ever.....i would be a little more lenient with the talking to son tho....maybe emails or a house phone if u have one, or even if u give her the mobile, if u see its her calling u can choose wether to pick up or not....
being friends with her is the last thing u should be doing, it not only makes u feel worse but it also justifies what she is doing...she gets everything that way, new life and keeping u on the sidelines....
i tried the being friends....and at the end of the day....it got me nowhere, now my ex has her new life, man, daughter, money from me and thinks that im ok with it all.....hah....o wells life goes on, keep doing what ur doing. go out and enjoy urself, good luck!


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## paperclip (Feb 24, 2011)

I don't think you should be keeping your mobile phone number from the mother of your child.

If an emergency were to happen with your son do you really not want to know about it right away?

If she calls you, have her leave a message. Ignore her texts. What if your son wants to call daddy becuase he learned how to do something like tie his shoes? He was excited to tell daddy!

I understand it hurts and i've made plenty of mistakes throughout my seperation. However, my wife is going to be upset once i do move on.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If she has told you she is done, then you need to respect that as hard as it is.

Stop being her doormat, and her safety net. She will lose all respect for you if you continue to do that (if she hasn't already). Don't be That Guy. 

Let her go so she can have all her Freedom. She may find out she doesn't like it so much out there w/o you.


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## capacity83 (Feb 13, 2011)

ANOTHER UPDATE

Thanks guys for the response. I feel much better now in terms of being away from her for a while now. I've finally removed her from facebook but i feel im not ready to give her my mobile number just yet. Probably down the track in 6 months or so. 

Anyway,

From what ive heard, she ran into my friends at the club last weekend (my friends hang out there every weekend as well). She went up to one of my friends and said "why do u guys hate me". My friend was like "we dont hate you, we just have nothing to say to you". Then she was going on and on explaining to him that she and OM(other guy) has nothing going on and are platonic friends etc etc.. she even started crying. I have no idea whats she's up to other than trying to get sympathy. God... women these days.

Shes going on a 2 day trip with a group of friends (of course including that guy) next week. We are now sharing custody of our son by taking weekly turns. I know ppl say it isnt my position to ask or find out anymore if shes dating. But all i really want to know if shes left me for that guy. Say i already assume it but i dont know for sure. :/ ffs.. 

i really wanna move on but i guess my final decision lies on finding out whether she is dating that guy or not. 

I mean ffs... wouldnt she feel jealous or any sort of feelings if i was maybe seeing someone? ive been quite close with a girl lately and we've been posting pics of each other and stuff on FB but we're just friends. I wonder how she would react to this... seems like nothing :/


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