# Upset him and female coworker are meeting up so soon



## Melancholymornings (May 25, 2021)

Am I being unreasonable for feeling down in the dumps that my ex reached out to an ex-colleague so soon after we split and agreeing to meet?

I (39F) and my ex (47M) split a month ago. I was struggling in our relationship after I found out he'd been texting a former female colleague who is 23 for months and I'd had no idea.

When we first got together we kept our relationship on the down low for a while because we worked together. It was super awkward and him and an equally young girl who sat next to him used to flirt in front of me, so much so that some of the other colleagues mentioned it to me before they even knew we were an item. He would constantly call her 'lovely' and 'flower' and she would start asking him what kind of flower she was. Once I even caught her sucking on a pocky stick really inappropriately while looking at him and then looking at me to see if I was watching.

Fast forward to today I've had very little problem with him having female friendships, in fact he grew up with more female friends and I've been absolutely fine with this, however, our past has meant I find work friendships a bit difficult especially when they are in their twenties. So a week after we split he reached out to another ex-colleague who is a mutual friend. She's a lovely girl, 28 I believe, and we last saw her a few years at a group outing. We've both spoken to her since over text and the last time I spoke to her in January we were talking about how nice it would be to be able to all meet up again soon with lockdown restrictions coming to an end. She was texting my ex over the weekend and found out he works fairly close to where she lives so she wanted to meet up with him the next day for lunch. This was also the same day he told me he wanted a hug because he felt emotionally and didn't know why >.>

Am I being unreasonable for feeling like she's stepping on my toes a bit, and that my ex really didn't have to tell me that? I feel a little sad that he'd already arranged to meet with her and then tell me all about it.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Melancholymornings said:


> Am I being unreasonable for feeling down in the dumps that my ex reached out to an ex-colleague so soon after we split and agreeing to meet?
> 
> I (39F) and my ex (47M) split a month ago. I was struggling in our relationship after I found out he'd been texting a former female colleague who is 23 for months and I'd had no idea.
> 
> ...


Why did you split up?


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## Melancholymornings (May 25, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Why did you split up?


I felt like I completely lost who I was, we had some great times and I don’t regret being with him. We weren’t connecting on a level that I needed from him, he wasn’t open about his finances, we were due to move out and he couldn’t even tell me how much debt he was in. I suffer with fatigue, currently waiting for ME/CFS testing, but I was doing the majority of the cleaning, food shopping, taking animals that he initially wanted to the vets etc. But in all honesty, the stuff that has happened in our past involving work colleagues (flirting with one, and texting another young girl for months without so much of a mention) made me question my trust for him. And in turn I completely changed as a person. I was so paranoid that towards the end I was even questioning why he would change his beard dyeing routine to coincide with when he was going in the office, and that he didn’t make that same effort when we went on family days out. In the end I hated the way I was feeling and I’ve never been this overly jealous person despite being cheated on in past relationship. My intention has never been to be a controlling type, so that was that, I thought it was best for both of us.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just a tip. If that's your picture, please get an avatar instead and preserve your anonymous status.


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## Melancholymornings (May 25, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> Just a tip. If that's your picture, please get an avatar instead and preserve your anonymous status.


Thank you, I stupidly registered through Facebook and it automatically brought my profile picture in. Trying to update it on my phone but I can’t find an option to upload something basic.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

If he's your ex, what say do you have over what he does?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Melancholymornings said:


> Thank you, I stupidly registered through Facebook and it automatically brought my profile picture in. Trying to update it on my phone but I can’t find an option to upload something basic.


It worked.🙂


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## Melancholymornings (May 25, 2021)

Sfort said:


> If he's you ex, what say do you have over what he does?


We literally just broke up and he’s still living with me. I don’t have a say over what he does, and I haven’t told him he can’t see her. I feel like he was being a bit insensitive like he was throwing it in my face a bit. Our values are different. Personally I wouldn’t break up with someone and then start organising to meet up with a much younger guy, especially I’d kept a texting friendship hidden from him for months. It’s just thoughtfulness isn’t it?


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## Melancholymornings (May 25, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> It worked.🙂


Yep, two bees sleeping on a flower


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

If you spit then it’s none of your business what he does if he’s sharing too much, then cut social contact. Done means done.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Melancholymornings said:


> It’s just thoughtfulness isn’t it?


Doesn't it depend on what the relationship is? Did you and he agree not to see anyone else for a while? Is he betraying you? I can understand it being uncomfortable, but when I broke up with someone, I fully expected them to start looking immediately. To me, that's what "ex" means. Sorry this hurts you. I've had it done to me when I thought it shouldn't have.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Melancholymornings said:


> I felt like I completely lost who I was, we had some great times and I don’t regret being with him. We weren’t connecting on a level that I needed from him, he wasn’t open about his finances, we were due to move out and he couldn’t even tell me how much debt he was in. I suffer with fatigue, currently waiting for ME/CFS testing, but I was doing the majority of the cleaning, food shopping, taking animals that he initially wanted to the vets etc. But in all honesty, the stuff that has happened in our past involving work colleagues (flirting with one, and texting another young girl for months without so much of a mention) made me question my trust for him. And in turn I completely changed as a person. I was so paranoid that towards the end I was even questioning why he would change his beard dyeing routine to coincide with when he was going in the office, and that he didn’t make that same effort when we went on family days out. In the end I hated the way I was feeling and I’ve never been this overly jealous person despite being cheated on in past relationship. My intention has never been to be a controlling type, so that was that, I thought it was best for both of us.


It doesn't really sound like he has altered his behavior at all. He was always like this and you are definitely well rid of him.


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## Melancholymornings (May 25, 2021)

Elizabeth001 said:


> If you spit then it’s none of your business what he does if he’s sharing too much, then cut social contact. Done means done.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk





Sfort said:


> Doesn't it depend on what the relationship is? Did you and he agree not to see anyone else for a while? Is he betraying you? I can understand it being uncomfortable, but when I broke up with someone, I fully expected them to start looking immediately. To me, that's what "ex" means. Sorry this hurts you. I've had it done to me when I thought it shouldn't have.


Yeah I guess, we were together 7 years so it stings and I’m struggling to keep it together most days. He still lives with me so it’s tough. I would just rather not know his plans. He put down a rental deposit on a flat within a block literally round the corner from me on the same road.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Melancholymornings said:


> Yeah I guess, we were together 7 years so it stings and I’m struggling to keep it together most days. He still lives with me so it’s tough. I would just rather not know his plans. He put down a rental deposit on a flat within a block literally round the corner from me on the same road.


I think it is natural to be sad.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Melancholymornings said:


> We literally just broke up and he’s still living with me. I don’t have a say over what he does, and I haven’t told him he can’t see her. I feel like he was being a bit insensitive like he was throwing it in my face a bit. Our values are different. Personally I wouldn’t break up with someone and then start organising to meet up with a much younger guy, especially I’d kept a texting friendship hidden from him for months. It’s just thoughtfulness isn’t it?


He seems to have very few boundaries with women, I wouldn't have trusted him either. 
I see it as v disrespectful if he is already dating so soon when you aren't even living apart. 
Ask him to please wait till one of you leaves before he jumps into dating again.
I don't see it as a separation anyway because you aren't separated.


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## Melancholymornings (May 25, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> He seems to have very few boundaries with women, I wouldn't have trusted him either.
> I see it as v disrespectful if he is already dating so soon when you aren't even living apart.
> Ask him to please wait till one of you leaves before he jumps into dating again.
> I don't see it as a separation anyway because you aren't separated.


I don’t think he’s meeting up in a date kind of way fortunately. Personally I find it a little weird people in their twenties wanting to meet up with guys in their late 40s. We’ve always met with this girl and a larger group of friends, it just seems poor timing she now wants to meet one-on-one. If she is still with her OH which I’m not sure if she is or not, I hope she told him of her plans to meet him. Regardless of whether their relationship is comfortable, I’d hate to think she didn’t let him know her plans to meet him. It’s dangerous territory IMO.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Free yourself and let him go fully. No contact is your only good option.


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## Melancholymornings (May 25, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Free yourself and let him go fully. No contact is your only good option.


Thank you, I feel like I have a lot of work to get my self-esteem back up and feel happy again.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Melancholymornings said:


> I don’t think he’s meeting up in a date kind of way fortunately. Personally I find it a little weird people in their twenties wanting to meet up with guys in their late 40s. We’ve always met with this girl and a larger group of friends, it just seems poor timing she now wants to meet one-on-one. If she is still with her OH which I’m not sure if she is or not, I hope she told him of her plans to meet him. Regardless of whether their relationship is comfortable, I’d hate to think she didn’t let him know her plans to meet him. It’s dangerous territory IMO.


Oh, but maybe you're forgetting something. Most late 40s males like to remember the women with whom they had relationships the sex they had when they were in their twenties. Just because they want to reminisce about the good old days, that doesn't mean they will try to relive them. But they might.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Melancholymornings said:


> Thank you, I feel like I have a lot of work to get my self-esteem back up and feel happy again.


You won get where you want to be maintaining contact.


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## Melancholymornings (May 25, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> You won get where you want to be maintaining contact.


True. And to be honest if he got into a relationship later down the line, I don’t want to be the ex that’s still in contact.


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## Melancholymornings (May 25, 2021)

Thank you everyone, I have some perspective now. I know I need to give myself time and space, and work on feeling better about myself again. That’s partly where insecurities lie and there’s no way I want to get into another relationship not knowing how to be stronger.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Melancholymornings said:


> Am I being unreasonable for feeling down in the dumps that my ex reached out to an ex-colleague so soon after we split and agreeing to meet?
> 
> I (39F) and my ex (47M) split a month ago. I was struggling in our relationship after I found out he'd been texting a former female colleague who is 23 for months and I'd had no idea.
> 
> ...


I just think it's time to change your focus. If you broke up then you need to move on. If just for the fact that all this will do is cause you pain. Remember there was a reason you broke up and there are other guys out there.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Melancholymornings said:


> Thank you everyone, I have some perspective now. I know I need to give myself time and space, and work on feeling better about myself again. That’s partly where insecurities lie and there’s no way I want to get into another relationship not knowing how to be stronger.


When will he be moving out?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Melancholymornings said:


> I don’t think he’s meeting up in a date kind of way fortunately. Personally I find it a little weird people in their twenties wanting to meet up with guys in their late 40s. We’ve always met with this girl and a larger group of friends, it just seems poor timing she now wants to meet one-on-one. If she is still with her OH which I’m not sure if she is or not, I hope she told him of her plans to meet him. Regardless of whether their relationship is comfortable, I’d hate to think she didn’t let him know her plans to meet him. It’s dangerous territory IMO.


Younger women dig older men. I was very attracted to men in their early forties when I was in my twenties. Men are very handsome at that age. 

I was happily married at the time, but I'm not alone in thinking that men in that age bracket look damn handsome. Much more so than men in their twenties, that's for sure.


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## Melancholymornings (May 25, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> When will he be moving out?


 Last week he said it was going to be the weekend just gone but he was out and about with his kids. He has the keys now and has hinted it’ll be this weekend. I get a slight impression that he thought I’d change my mind, I can’t go back on my word, I know deeply it’s right to be apart.


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## Melancholymornings (May 25, 2021)

Bibi1031 said:


> Younger women dig older men. I was very attracted to men in their early forties when I was in my twenties. Men are very handsome at that age.
> 
> I was happily married at the time, but I'm not alone in thinking that men in that age bracket look damn handsome. Much more so than men in their twenties, that's for sure.


I can see why


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You probably need to implement the 180. It will help you move on faster.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Melancholymornings said:


> Yeah I guess, we were together 7 years so it stings and I’m struggling to keep it together most days. He still lives with me so it’s tough. I would just rather not know his plans. He put down a rental deposit on a flat within a block literally round the corner from me on the same road.


That's still close to where you live, but at least it's not IN your own home. When does he move out? I'm sorry that you're hurting; 7 years is a long time to be with someone. But, I agree with @ConanHub, it sounds like this isn't exactly new behaviour for him, and I feel like you're better off without him, and free to find someone that appreciates you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> Younger women dig older men. I was very attracted to men in their early forties when I was in my twenties. Men are very handsome at that age.
> 
> I was happily married at the time, but I'm not alone in thinking that men in that age bracket look damn handsome. Much more so than men in their twenties, that's for sure.


Some women do. I have never been interested in men my dad's age.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Melancholymornings said:


> Last week he said it was going to be the weekend just gone but he was out and about with his kids. He has the keys now and has hinted it’ll be this weekend. I get a slight impression that he thought I’d change my mind, I can’t go back on my word, I know deeply it’s right to be apart.


I think you will feel a lot better once he has gone. Sad of course, but at least you won't have to know what he is doing.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Some women do. I have never been interested in men my dad's age.



I guess I do because my dad was much old that 20 years difference between us. So no daddy issues at all. Just being attracted to men of a certain age of which that age is very common by the way.


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