# How Can I Convince My Wife That I'm Not Still Cheating On Her ?



## Cracked Mask94 (Aug 18, 2015)

How can I convince my wife That I'm not still cheating on her ?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Why does she think you're cheating?

The best way to help your spouse feel secure in your marriage is to create an environment where an affair is simply not possible. Have complete transparency. Share all your passwords (phone, email, etc.) with each other. Always tell each other where you're going. Have GPS tracking on your phone in case something happens to one of you, the other can see where you are. Do not spend nights apart. Spend your leisure time together doing something you both enjoy, not pursuing different activities that separate you. Do not have opposite sex friendships. Do not correspond with former lovers/spouses.

I don't know if you have cheated on her or if she's just concerned, but here is a list of "extraordinary precautions" that are supposed to affair proof a marriage. This is from Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice and they are from the book "surviving an affair" so they mention some things that assume an affair has already happened, so disregard those that you can't apply (For example, if you haven't actually had an affair, there's no information to reveal and no need to move to a new town...)

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent). 

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

If you have already cheated she will never 100% trust you again, you've screwed that up forever.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Still? If you want customized advice, reveal what you did.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

"Still cheating on her."

So, to me, this means you did cheat. Honestly, she'll decide and you'll have to be the best husband you can be. You'll need to change all the behaviors that she saw that may or may not have led to your infidelity. You'll have to listen to what she says and how she feel.

Yet, at the end of the day, she may NEVER believe you aren't done cheating.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Not buying this one. If you were a genuine person you would have given proper information. Post #1 and no details, of course a very controversial topic, yeah right.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Once a cheater...........

You made your bed now lye in it. If you can't get over that you crushed the soul of the one you love and Forever will be suspect to her then do her à favor and end the marriage.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Oh, good lord. New posters can't win. LOL.

I was in another thread and people were calling troll because the post was too detailed.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Hate to tell you it it will take the rest of your life.
She will always have a small thought in the back of her mind. 
Not to say reconciliation isn't possible just difficult.
You have to be 100% open to her. No passwords..nothing omitted in stories, no detail left out.
Give her an environment where she feels safe.
Without more particulars it is hard to answer.



Sent from my iPhone


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The thing about cheating is it's never an accident like stubbing your toe, cheating is a premeditated event, you make the decision to cheat, you create the opportunity, you create the environment, you create and act on the deceit and lies necessary to cheat and then necessary to hide you cheated. Affairs and cheating starts out between two people but the affects damage entire families for years to come. 

To live with someone capable of that depth of deceit and treachery is devastating, I don't think you ever truly forgive and forget. You will live under scrutiny the rest of your marriage, the best you can hope for is an acceptance of what happened and a decision by her to want to continue with the marriage. For that to have any hope of succeeding you need to be 100% transparent in everything you do and say, forever.

You can't "convince" your wife of anything, you have taken away her ability to trust you ever again unconditionally.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> If you have already cheated she will never 100% trust you again, you've screwed that up forever.


*Once having willingly lowered oneself to the deceptive nadir of cheating, in essence they have made a life-altering decision ~ and once that has effectively occurred ~ well as someone so much more wiser and intelligent than I once said, with extremely rare exception, "you can never go home again!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cracked Mask94 (Aug 18, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> Why does she think you're cheating?
> 
> 
> 
> She thinks that I'm cheating on her because she found that I still talk to and hangout with the woman that I cheated on her with and because I've been going out late at night.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

If you still talk with and hang out with the woman you cheated with then you are still cheating. Nothing to convince her otherwise of - you are still cheating.


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## Cracked Mask94 (Aug 18, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Still? If you want customized advice, reveal what you did.


I had an affair with a woman that I met at a Halloween party last year and my wife found out about 3 months ago and I end it soon after she found out.


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## Cracked Mask94 (Aug 18, 2015)

Holland said:


> Not buying this one. If you were a genuine person you would have given proper information. Post #1 and no details, of course a very controversial topic, yeah right.


I didn't go into detail on the first post because I was kind of in a rush at the time.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Cracked Mask94 said:


> WorkingWife said:
> 
> 
> > Why does she think you're cheating?
> ...


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

By not cheating on her.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

You may have stopped having sex with Ms. Halloween but if you are still having contact with her the A continues in your wife's eyes. It is major disrespect. 

This might be too graphic of an analogy. Your wife who loved and trusted you is attacked out of the blue, stabbed repeatedly. The perpetrators are you and Ms. Halloween. Your wife lays on the ground bleeding out, in shock by what has happened. She reaches a hand out to you to help her. Instead of helping her you and Ms. Halloween both take a big steaming dump on her. 

That is what you are doing by remaining in contact with the OW. I highly doubt if a stranger helped attack your wife in that vile way that you would think they were cool enough to hang out with. You should be angry and repulsed by the people who did this to her. That would be you and Ms. Halloween. 

You can't undo the stabbing but you can help her. Stop taking a dump on her for one. Start being her protector as you always should have been and get her away from those willing to harm her. That means OW for sure but also friends who encouraged your behavior. 

The biggest problem is of course that one of her attackers was YOU. You can become someone who loves and protects your wife but that change can only start once you realize how brutal and savage your actions were towards her. Until you have that moment when you are a sobbing puking ball on the floor thinking about what you did you are still a clear danger to your wife. 

If true remorse ever hits you, you find out your why's and work hard to be a better man, it is a long road to healing. Be patient. Expect setbacks. Your wife will likely flinch often trying to anticipate the next stabbing. You can get mad and defensive "I don't even have a knife" or you can understand gave her that gift. 

Oh and the dump you and OW took? Years later after she thinks she washed it all out she might find a piece dried in her hair and the process continues. She might imagine the smell is there even when all pieces of poop are gone. She might get upset with you when she smells someone else's poop. Again you can get defensive or apologize for ever hurting her whenever someone farts. 

But none of that matters until you stop taking a dump on her. I hope you wake up to that fact before it is too late. Under that steaming pile is the woman you promised to protect and she is bleeding. Help her.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Cracked Mask94 said:


> WorkingWife said:
> 
> 
> > Why does she think you're cheating?
> ...


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Cracked Mask94 said:


> WorkingWife said:
> 
> 
> > Why does she think you're cheating?
> ...


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Okay, are you serious? You cheated on your wife, broke your marriage and still hang out with your affair partner? You know the answer yourself so, stop being coy.This is the wrong website to try and get advice on how to juggle a mistress.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Cracked Mask94 said:


> WorkingWife said:
> 
> 
> > Why does she think you're cheating?
> ...


If you're still seeing your affair partner at all -- and in any capacity -- then you are, for all intents and purposes, still cheating on your wife.

I mean... F*CKING GET REAL, MAN... this is Reconciliation 101, Chapter 1, Section 1, Page 1.

DUUUUUUUUUUH...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bluesclues said:


> If you still talk with and hang out with the woman you cheated with then you are still cheating. Nothing to convince her otherwise of - you are still cheating.


:iagree:

How do you do it? Well, you stop cheating. Full stop! No half measures, you must write a no contact letter to the OW and have nothing more to do with her.

Ever. At all.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Cracked, how old are you two?

just wondering if you are one of those 20 somethings who thinks it's cool to have opposite sex friends. 

Not that that beliefs frees you of any responsibility.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Cracked, how old are you two?
> 
> just wondering if you are one of those 20 somethings who thinks it's cool to have opposite sex friends.
> 
> Not that that beliefs frees you of any responsibility.


It's cool to have opposite sex friends.

But if you are married it is *not* cool to boff your opposite sex friends.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

It's like a gambler saying I'm done betting, while going to visit his bookie late at night..


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It will take several years for her to not think you are cheating on her. You have a lot to learn about reconciling and even more to learn about proper boundaries in marriage. Did you really think she would be ok with you hanging out with the woman as long as you weren't banging her?


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## Cracked Mask94 (Aug 18, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> Cracked Mask94 said:
> 
> 
> > Then you have the answer to your question. Send a letter to the skank explaining that you're terribly ashamed and sorry for how you self-indulgently betrayed your wonderful wife who never deserved that, and that you are focusing on your rebuilding your marriage and restoring your wife's trust, and you will never have contact with her again.
> ...


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## Cracked Mask94 (Aug 18, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> Cracked Mask94 said:
> 
> 
> > Also - why are you going out late at night without your wife? Why are you hanging out with ANY women other than your wife?
> ...


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## Cracked Mask94 (Aug 18, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> Cracked, how old are you two?
> 
> just wondering if you are one of those 20 somethings who thinks it's cool to have opposite sex friends.
> 
> Not that that beliefs frees you of any responsibility.


I'm 25 and my wife is 24.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Did you think the first time you betrayed your wife's trust it was a joke? As in, let's see if she catches you a second time? 

Why would you still hang out with your affair partner? There's only one reason I can think of.


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## Cracked Mask94 (Aug 18, 2015)

Satya said:


> Did you think the first time you betrayed your wife's trust it was a joke? As in, let's see if she catches you a second time?
> 
> Why would you still hang out with your affair partner? There's only one reason I can think of.


I didn't think what I did was a joke and I won't do it again. I hung out with her because I still wanted her as a friend.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Cracked Mask94 said:


> I didn't think what I did was a joke and I won't do it again. I hung out with her because I still wanted her as a friend.


 :wtf:

Well, let's put this politely.

You made certain promises to your wife. Which you broke. Because you performed acts of "carnal congress" with a woman who you were not married to.

And you want to continue with having a relationship with this woman who you had as a FB? (And in this context FB does not equal Facebook.)

Can you continue to do this and keep your marriage? :banghead:

:nono:


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

So my post about you stabbing her and ****ting on her didn't ring any bells with you? Not one?

Okay. How is this - she is going to divorce your immature small penis and find a real man. Enjoy your leftover Halloween candy.


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## Cracked Mask94 (Aug 18, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> :wtf:
> 
> Well, let's put this politely.
> 
> ...


 I'm not going to too continue do this anymore. I'm going to do what it takes to save my marriage.


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## Cracked Mask94 (Aug 18, 2015)

Bluesclues said:


> So my post about you stabbing her and ****ting on her didn't ring any bells with you? Not one?
> 
> Okay. How is this - she is going to divorce your immature small penis and find a real man. Enjoy your leftover Halloween candy.


It did ring some bells and I'm confident that she is not going to divorce me despite my flaws.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Cracked Mask94 said:


> I'm not going to too continue do this anymore. I'm going to do what it takes to save my marriage.


Write a No Contact letter to your former lover. Let your wife see the letter, let your wife seal the letter in the envelope and then together you post it to your former lover.

And do not go out late at night by yourself.

Then you must begin counselling for yourself to learn why you did it to ensure you don't do it again.

Then marriage counselling.

Allow your wife full access to all your electronic communications, including all passwords.

Good luck.


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## Cracked Mask94 (Aug 18, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Did you really think she would be ok with you hanging out with the woman as long as you weren't banging her?


 I honestly thought at the time that it wouldn't be a problem.


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## Cracked Mask94 (Aug 18, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Write a No Contact letter to your former lover. Let your wife see the letter, let your wife seal the letter in the envelope and then together you post it to your former lover.
> 
> And do not go out late at night by yourself.
> 
> ...


I'm going to do all of that.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Sorry if I sound angry but you are the same age as my step son who cheats on every good girl he finally lands and says things like "I didn't know". How do you not know that! How? How do you not know that you should not put your **** in someone else besides your wife?? How do you not know that once you get caught doing that you should not ever talk or set eyes on that ***** again? These are not learned things - they are things you feel. And the fact that you don't feel them? Sorry, but divorce her and let her find a real man. You aren't it yet.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bluesclues said:


> Sorry if I sound angry but you are the same age as my step son who cheats on every good girl he finally lands and says things like "I didn't know". How do you not know that! How? How do you not know that you should not put your **** in someone else besides your wife?? How do you not know that once you get caught doing that you should not ever talk or set eyes on that ***** again? These are not learned things - they are things you feel. And the fact that you don't feel them? Sorry, but divorce her and let her find a real man. You aren't it yet.


 @Bluesclues

The OP isn't your stepson.

You feel justifiable rage against your stepson. But don't vent your rage on TAM against someone else, OK? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Good point Matt. It is just hard to read about someone making the same mistakes.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Cracked Mask94 said:


> I didn't think what I did was a joke and I won't do it again. I hung out with her because I still wanted her as a friend.


You seriously thought your wife would be ok with you having the OW as your friend? No wonder she still thinks you are cheating. You need to never talk to her again if you want to stay married.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Cracked Mask94 said:


> I honestly thought at the time that it wouldn't be a problem.


You have no consideration whatsoever for your wife's feelings. Even now, you're going to make changes, for only one reason- because you want to save your marriage. Because it's what you want. It has nothing to do with what your wife wants or how she feels. You're like the kid who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. You won't do it again, or at least you'll try not to. Not because you think it's wrong, you just don't want to get in trouble. 

It's all for the wrong reasons. You aren't the sort of person who is "geared" towards being in a caring, giving, trusting relationship. It's not necessarily your fault, you just aren't built that way. Nothing can change that and hopefully your wife will figure it out before she gets hurt again.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Cracked Mask94 said:


> I didn't think what I did was a joke and I won't do it again. I hung out with her because I still wanted her as a friend.


Why did you want her as a friend? Tell us why you truly value her contribution to your life.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> It will take several years for her to not think you are cheating on her. You have a lot to learn about reconciling and even more to learn about proper boundaries in marriage. Did you really think she would be ok with you hanging out with the woman as long as you weren't banging her?





Cracked Mask94 said:


> I honestly thought at the time that it wouldn't be a problem.


Millennial logic FTW.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Cracked, you also need to realise that as long as you are continuing a relationship with Ms. Halloween, you are a different person to your wife then when you married her. 

You may not be having sex with this woman, but you think in many ways she is "better" than your wife. Smarter, better looking, has more friends, whatever. You probably spend a lot of money on a woman you call just a friend while I bet you have every expectation that your wife will pay all the bills that you and she agreed to (or else there will be he!! to pay.)

And Ms Halloween gets all this and she's still free to shop around for a better man.

At the same time, you would probably bristle if your wife regularly went out -- and stayed out late-- with a couple of guys just so that she can top up against the lack of attention that she gets at home (with you).

Do you think this a fair scenario?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CM have you bing assessed by a mental health practitioner?

Your thinking is problematic and reminds me of perhaps someone who might be ASD.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If you still have contact with the woman you cheated with, then you are still cheating. Are you asking us to help you construct a good lie to tell her that convinces her you are not while still cheating? I am very confused.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Cracked Mask94 said:


> WorkingWife said:
> 
> 
> > I been going out at night for various reasons. I was hangout with her just because I wanted to make some new friends and have fun.
> ...


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I don't think this poster is a scam, he is clueless. 

Most of us are older, and perhaps were wiser when we were in our 20s. We now know all the secrets in infidelity, the pain, the anguish.

A lot of 20s something people do not even know what an EA is!! They feel they can be friends with women and not cross the line, if they cross the line, they think nothing of that.

Lets educate this person on the sanctity of marriage and how to salvage his.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Cracked Mask94 said:


> WorkingWife said:
> 
> 
> > I do really love and care about my wife I just really messed and made a big mistake but I will make things right in the end. So I will take your advice.
> ...


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

ne9907 said:


> I don't think this poster is a scam, he is clueless.


I think you're right. I was just stunned that he is hanging out with the woman with whom he cheated on his wife and wondering how he can make his wife believe the affair has ended. And that he had an affair and said he "thought it would be good to find new friends" I assume without his wife.

But I read other responses of his and he does sound like he sincerely wants to fix his marriage.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

WorkingWife said:


> I think you're right. I was just stunned that he is hanging out with the woman with whom he cheated on his wife and wondering how he can make his wife believe the affair has ended. And that he had an affair and said he "thought it would be good to find new friends" I assume without his wife.
> 
> But I read other responses of his and he does sound like he sincerely wants to fix his marriage.


yes. Agree

My husband was 29 when he cheated on me (second time). It began as it usually does, just friends, co workers, messaging all the time, etc etc, he cheated on me, he would still be friends with her. He even took me to lunch to her parents restaurant. She was there.

I never knew he cheated until after I left.... I did not know what EA was, I was 29 as well... 

I was clueless.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Cracked Mask94 said:


> I didn't think what I did was a joke and I won't do it again. I hung out with her because I still wanted her as a friend.


It is normal that you "still wanted her as a friend" after all, you were attracted enough to her to sleep with her.

But what is not normal is that you did not instinctively understand how incredibly painful that would be to your wife. Millennial or not, this is something most people would just "know." Additionally, it seems you still didn't "get" why your wife thought you were at risk of cheating even though she explicitly told you why - because you were hanging out with the woman you cheated on her with.

This raises two red flags for you:

1. You're lacking a level of empathy that is basic in most. I would make a conscious effort to put yourself in other people's shoes, and try to see situations from their point of view to develop this. Therapy might be helpful.

2. You're not taking your wife's concerns at face value. Some of this is being a man (IMO) - read up on "walk away wife syndrome" - and some of this is lack of empathy/selfishness/immaturity on your part. But take it from those of us who have been around awhile - If your spouse tells you they think of feel something, take it seriously. And if they say they are afraid you are cheating because of something you're doing - take that VERY seriously.

Please read everything on the page I linked below and think about it. Then read it again a few times over the next few days. I'd tell your wife that you want to have a wonderful marriage where you are both happy and fulfilled and ask her to read it too:
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Cracked Mask94 said:


> ..... and I'm confident that she is not going to divorce me despite my flaws.


IMO this is the fundamental problem. As long as he continues to believe this, he probably will cheat again, especially since he seems lacking on empathy.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Well, you are STILL cheating. So STOP. Then follow everything in this post below. Even then, she may still never get past it, but this is the only way you have a chance. 




WorkingWife said:


> Why does she think you're cheating?
> 
> The best way to help your spouse feel secure in your marriage is to create an environment where an affair is simply not possible. Have complete transparency. Share all your passwords (phone, email, etc.) with each other. Always tell each other where you're going. Have GPS tracking on your phone in case something happens to one of you, the other can see where you are. Do not spend nights apart. Spend your leisure time together doing something you both enjoy, not pursuing different activities that separate you. Do not have opposite sex friendships. Do not correspond with former lovers/spouses.
> 
> ...


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

This is such a troll thread. Come on people, you are being played. I still hang out with her and I didn't think it was a problem? And people are responding honestly to this guy?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

ne9907 said:


> yes. Agree
> 
> My husband was 29 when he cheated on me (second time). It began as it usually does, just friends, co workers, messaging all the time, etc etc, he cheated on me, he would still be friends with her. He even took me to lunch to her parents restaurant. She was there.
> 
> ...


Uggg. Me too.

I'm 50 now and have just recently come to understand the dangers of opposite sex friendships and what an EA is by reading forums like this. 

Sure I always knew that if you were exchanging "I love you" "You're so sexy" type sentiments with someone other than your spouse, that was way wrong even if you didn't consummate it physically. But I didn't realize how high risk it was to let someone other than your spouse meet your emotional needs. 

My first husband hung out with his friends without me all the time (while I stayed home and raised his kids from his first marriage...) and I just thought he was just blowing off steam and you were supposed to "trust" your spouse unless you were some psycho/jealous/paranoid person.

I was clueless too but after we divorced he told me he'd basically been screwing every willing woman in sight. (Even though he had sex with me almost daily.)


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Herschel said:


> This is such a troll thread. Come on people, you are being played. *I still hang out with her and I didn't think it was a problem? *And people are responding honestly to this guy?


My narcissistic ex would have say "yes, because there is a difference between ****ing and loving. I ****ed that woman, just to release, I love my wife"


Seriously, this guy sounds like the ex husband. Not lying....


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

You are SERIOUSLY asking us how you can convince your wife that you are still NOT cheating..... Like really? 

You are still seeing the other woman because YOU WANT TO REMAIN FRIENDS? This is all about you hu? what YOU WANT. well you stuck your wick in her, sounds like you got what you wanted you just still want more. You are in an emotional affair while you still see the other woman and i can't freaking believe you are so thick you don't see it. You ask how to convince your wife you are not still cheating....WELL STOP BLOODY CHEATING!!! 

Ever heard of NC (no contact)? Yeah...that is what you have denied your wife. Grow up man....


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Herschel said:


> This is such a troll thread. Come on people, you are being played. I still hang out with her and I didn't think it was a problem? And people are responding honestly to this guy?


Yes, because you can get banned for calling people a troll and rightly so. There have been enough weird threads and posters ran off because of comments like yours. If you don't like it, report it to a moderator or don't read the thread.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Herschel said:


> This is such a troll thread. Come on people, you are being played. I still hang out with her and I didn't think it was a problem? And people are responding honestly to this guy?


There are *a lot* of similarities in this thread compared to some other wayward threads if you look close enough, just a short example:

Wanting to stay friends with the affair partner.
Unable to articulate what the AP contributes to the "friendship"
Lack of empathy
High confidence that BS will not divorce

We post to help not only the OP but others who may read the thread. 

And IMO "I still hang out with her and I didn't think it was a problem" is more present here than you think. Not a majority of waywards, maybe just a (very) small minority, but that thinking does exist.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Herschel said:


> This is such a troll thread. Come on people, you are being played. I still hang out with her and I didn't think it was a problem? And people are responding honestly to this guy?


There have been a lot of new posters ran off from comments such as yours that call them out as a troll when they're not.

If you think it's a troll, then report it, and move on. Don't take it upon yourself to be a forum policeman because the truth is you don't know, you can't know if the thread is legitimate and you can do far more damage with your accusatory posting then a troll can by posting a fake thread.

I post at another forum and they immediately ban members for calling other members trolls, and for good reason.

That may not be the rules here, but it makes sense to just keep quiet about your suspicions.


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## Cracked Mask94 (Aug 18, 2015)

breeze said:


> Why did you want her as a friend? Tell us why you truly value her contribution to your life.


I wanted her as a friend because it was nice having someone that I could hangout with that shared interests as me and who I could go out and have a drink with and it was to have a friend who I wasn't related to in some way.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Cracked Mask94 said:


> I wanted her as a friend because it was nice having someone that I could hangout with that shared interests as me and who I could go out and have a drink with and it was to have a friend who I wasn't related to in some way.


We're all related in some way.

It's just a matter of degree.


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## Cracked Mask94 (Aug 18, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> Cracked, you also need to realise that as long as you are continuing a relationship with Ms. Halloween, you are a different person to your wife then when you married her.
> 
> You may not be having sex with this woman, but you think in many ways she is "better" than your wife. Smarter, better looking, has more friends, whatever. You probably spend a lot of money on a woman you call just a friend while I bet you have every expectation that your wife will pay all the bills that you and she agreed to (or else there will be he!! to pay.)
> 
> ...


I don't think that would be a fair scenario.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Cracked Mask94 said:


> I wanted her as a friend because it was nice having someone that I could hangout with that shared interests as me and who I could go out and have a drink with and it was to have a friend who I wasn't related to in some way.


Nothing wrong with that. But now you need to make a new friend. Your friendship with this one has to end. Basically, you have to choose between your wife or this friend. Once you sleep with them, you only get to keep one. Which one?


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## Cracked Mask94 (Aug 18, 2015)

michzz said:


> If you still have contact with the woman you cheated with, then you are still cheating. Are you asking us to help you construct a good lie to tell her that convinces her you are not while still cheating? I am very confused.


I wasn't asking for help on making a good lie.


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## Cracked Mask94 (Aug 18, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Nothing wrong with that. But now you need to make a new friend. Your friendship with this one has to end. Basically, you have to choose between your wife or this friend. Once you sleep with them, you only get to keep one. Which one?


I choose my wife.


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## Cracked Mask94 (Aug 18, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> Cracked Mask94 said:
> 
> 
> > Try to spend at least 15 hours a week alone with her on dates, enjoying yourselves. Even if it's strained at first, you will start to become each other's best friends again and start to associate each other with the "good times" in your lives.
> ...


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Cracked Mask94 said:


> I choose my wife.


So does that mean you have stopped seeing your friend or will stop today?


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## Cracked Mask94 (Aug 18, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> So does that mean you have stopped seeing your friend or will stop today?


I have stopped seeing my friend, and will never see her again.


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## Cracked Mask94 (Aug 18, 2015)

Herschel said:


> This is such a troll thread. Come on people, you are being played. I still hang out with her and I didn't think it was a problem? And people are responding honestly to this guy?


I didn't post here to be a troll, but you can believe whatever you what like to.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do you have something against male friends? Personally, I don't believe opposite sex friends do marriages any favor. It's all too easy to cross the line. Would you like for your wife to have male friends?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Cracked Mask94 said:


> I didn't post here to be a troll, but you can believe whatever you what like to.


Sorry man. I didn't mean to offend. I take it back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cracked Mask94 (Aug 18, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Do you have something against male friends? Personally, I don't believe opposite sex friends do marriages any favor. It's all too easy to cross the line. Would you like for your wife to have male friends?


I don't anything against male friends and my wife already has some male friends and I don't any problems with that.


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## Cracked Mask94 (Aug 18, 2015)

Herschel said:


> Sorry man. I didn't mean to offend. I take it back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Apology accepted man.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Cracked Mask94 said:


> I don't anything against male friends and my wife already has some male friends and I don't any problems with that.


This isn't about opposite sex friends so much as it is about opposite sex friends w/ whom a spouse has cheated.

With that in mind, would you feel it appropriate for your wife to continue socializing w/ a male "friend" w/ whom she'd previously cheated?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cracked Mask94 (Aug 18, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> This isn't about opposite sex friends so much as it is about opposite sex friends w/ whom a spouse has cheated.
> 
> With that in mind, would you feel it appropriate for your wife to continue socializing w/ a male "friend" w/ whom she'd previously cheated?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think that I would be okay with that.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, hold onto your horses because one of her male friends is going to be only too happy to console her when she's sharing your mess. He's no different than you.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Cracked Mask94 said:


> I wanted her as a friend because it was nice having someone that I could hangout with that shared interests as me and who I could go out and have a drink with and it was to have a friend who I wasn't related to in some way.


Your wife isn't related to you (I hope). A spouse is meant to be what you described above; a friend you can hang out with that has shared interests etc, plus, you get to throw in guilt-free sex.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Well, hold onto your horses because one of her male friends is going to be only too happy to console her when she's sharing your mess. He's no different than you.


How do you know one of her male friends is no different from him?


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Coming from a wife that had a husband cheat on her, I can tell you that that you are hurting her every time you see that woman. First, it's ok to have friends but you married your wife and so you must have had interests together. You should be working on sharing those with her, not another woman. Second, it takes time. My hubby was about your age when he had an emotional affair that I found out about. He said it was because he didn't feel valued but now looking back, he says it was because he was young and basically only thought of himself and his needs. You are still young, but old enough to know better. If you made the vows and the commitment, then you owe her complete honesty. First, stop seeing the other woman in ANY capacity. Talk to your wife and answer any questions about the affair. Even if the questions sound stupid. It may be what did you do, where did you go,etc. Trust me, be honest because she can think of things that may be even bigger in her mind than what actually happened. Take your wife out on dates, make sure you have show her you have no intentions of looking elsewhere and truly mean it. Ask yourself WHY did you sleep with the other woman, Were you missing something or lacking in your own marriage? You have to communicate those needs to your wife. You have to build trust and it isn't going to be easy, but what you did is something she won't forget. She may forgive, eventually but it will always be in the back of her mind. Only you can make sure she doesn't ever doubt you again and that is by your actions.


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## Cracked Mask94 (Aug 18, 2015)

breeze said:


> Your wife isn't related to you (I hope). A spouse is meant to be what you described above; a friend you can hang out with that has shared interests etc, plus, you get to throw in guilt-free sex.


I know she isn't related to me I just forgot to add or married to that part and I also think that your right on what a spouse is meant be.


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