# 10 weeks in and still hurting



## Orville (Sep 15, 2008)

Need some help if anyone can provide. 10 weeks ago I discovered my wife of 14 years was having an affair with someone I though to be a friend. She stated it was emotional only and I somehow managed to accept this. 2 weeks thereafter, she admited it was a sexual relationship. 
Obviously, this new information was a huge set back for me and I was completely devestated. 
The relationship with him has ended, no contact between the two sinse discovery. I've verifed everyway you can imagine!
I do wish to stay married as we have two children and I do love my wife. I fully believe she still loves me and is regretful, racked by guilt, and dismayed by her own actions. 
We have been intimate a few times after my learning of the affair. As time has progressed, it has become more difficult for me to have sexual relations with her. While engaged in sex, I envision her doing these things with him and it is very disturbing.
Any suggestions on how to cope?


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Hi Orville,

So sorry to hear..same thing happened to me although my husband never admitted a thing and it wasn't a close friend. You need to get to a professional counselor and make sure marriage/couples counseling is their specialty. Talk to at least 3 before deciding...don't go this alone. Hopefully she will be willing to go with you.

That is really good that the contact has ended.. you have done well to make sure of that..I did that also...It is the first step and I have been reading that many have a difficult time getting to that point which is sad for whatever reasons, because it continues. I have no guarantee my husband won't start up with her again or someone else because he hasn't been honest...but at least you have a starting point..

Performance in bed is totally understandable...you will feel the need to be with her, and then feel like you can't be the same in the lovemaking. (confusion comes with it) Do not blame yourself...read all you can to educate yourself. (plenty online!)

Allow yourself your feelings of hurt and let her know how you feel in a calm but direct way if you can..maintain your space to heal away from her if you need it., talk to a close buddy about it all.

Hope this helps!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hi Orville,

That is a great question & a difficult one to answer. 

If this was a friendship (ie he was giving her emotional support she was lacking, etc.) her remorse at this point probably gives her those same feelings of disgust when thinking of the physical stuff that happened. 

This is still very new for you to deal with, so give yourself time to come to terms with it. I'm glad you posted here and hope someone can offer suggestions, because it is important to work through these feelings now so you can both move forward and have a better marriage than before.

And if this helps (or at least makes you smile) I think that's the same guy I used to date...he has a micro-penis & is a horrible lover


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

orville,

wow! that's a lot for anyone to handle! the only advice i can give you is just to take one feeling, hour or day at a time. it will be a rollercoaster of emotion to say the least! i can sympathize with the agonizing feelings. hopefully she is willing & open to talking if you need to. also, tell her you need her to let you know her feelings as well. no more secrets! good luck with everything & keep us posted! i know everyone on this message board is great about providing support & advice which can be very helpful!


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## Niske (Aug 18, 2008)

Going on second month and still very much in love with my wife even though she has moved on with another. I don't see the hurt ever leaving. I'm with you.

N


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## robin (Aug 24, 2008)

She has broke your trust. Trust is a big issue. It's great that both of you want to work on this relationship especially since you have children. You need to have patience because it does take time. With time and her fully commitments to the relationship you will be able to have a better relationship. In the meantime, take care of yourself, read good book and if you need to talk to a therapist. 

Hope this helps.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Orville said:


> Need some help if anyone can provide. 10 weeks ago I discovered my wife of 14 years was having an affair with someone I though to be a friend. She stated it was emotional only and I somehow managed to accept this. 2 weeks thereafter, she admited it was a sexual relationship.
> Obviously, this new information was a huge set back for me and I was completely devestated.
> The relationship with him has ended, no contact between the two sinse discovery. I've verifed everyway you can imagine!
> I do wish to stay married as we have two children and I do love my wife. I fully believe she still loves me and is regretful, racked by guilt, and dismayed by her own actions.
> ...


First let me say sorry for what you are going through. You spent 14 years building the marriage and only 10 weeks trying to rebuild it.

Often these things take time. It seems you honestly want to fix it but there are no quick fixes to your issues. Time will be the factor. Most of these things take about a year to heal.

Having counsiling can help you get you to where you need to go. You might also want to write a contract with your wife as well.

The last piece of the puzzle is in you. You need to find it in you to forgive her for the healing process to work.

draconis


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Wipe the slate clean...re-marry her again, and don't dwell on the past. If you do (both doing this) you will never be happy and have peace of mind. Good luck to you !


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