# I need advice, and to vent. Going through very tough times



## moreofthesame (Jul 23, 2015)

The more I vent about this the better I feel. This will be a long one guys so please bear with me... 

Life has been too much, just too much for me during the last 4 weeks.

I met my wife (soon to be ex?) in college in 2009. I'm 31, she's 29.

Her parents divorced her when she was a child, and her mother was abusive to her while she took care of her. So she had to leave and move to another state to live with her father and stepmother.

She always had abandonment issues due to this.

I am not perfect either. I grew up in an environment where physical violence happened rarely between my parents but did happen. My dad treated my mother badly, not often at all, but I think it happened enough for me to left a mark in my mind. I also suffered other traumas that I don't feel like disclosing here in the past... so all those things altogether turned me into a person that would be highly critical, rude, and nasty towards my wife. This happened over almost seven years, and during those years I shoved her in three different occasions during very heated arguments over several years. In one of them she was inebriated and the other one she was yelling at me very aggressively and I couldn't control my stress. The third one was similar.

After those things happened I lost her trust. She says she still loves me but doesn't trust me anymore, and I understand that. I'm okay with it. It took me too long to to go therapy consistently and work on my issues. I am doing it now, although I think it's too late.

She quit her job a month ago more or less and started talking to a lawyer to get the divorce paperwork ready, and she did. When it was finally ready to be signed, she had a change of heart and said she didn't want to get divorced, but that she still didn't trust me.

Days went by and she finally had a day set up to leave and pack her stuff to move with her older sister. Before that happened I told her I'd go on a road trip because... why not? She was going to leave anyways. I tried to convince her that I was going to therapy and would never let go of it because I realized I have too many issues that don't allow me to be the caring, loving partner that she deserves. Please note: our relationship is complex, please don't think that I was a monster to her all the time. I did and said horrible things, but I also brought her a lot of joy to her life, she herself has said that.

Anyways... she didn't leave after I started my road trip and kept talking and texting while I was traveling. She said that she wanted to stay and work things out. Then changed her mind. Then she called me crying and brokenhearted and changed her mind again and promised me to wait for me to come back so I could resume therapy and continue working on things to reach a healthier marriage.

I shortened my stay in the west coast with family, drove like a madman for three days and made it back home. The two days before I arrived she started giving me the cold shower, being distant and cold. Another swing, another change of mind I thought. But she said she'd be here to see me and talk to me.

So I come back home and the house is there but all her personals are gone. She left a few things that are more or less important but not that much, as well as her cat. It was a traumatic event for me. I was exhausted, hadn't eaten and slept in days, and there I was inside an empty house where my wife was supposed to be waiting for me. I called her, five times in less than 7 minutes. I texted and begged her to please call me and get in touch with me. She called briefly and said she was stuck in heavy traffic and that she would call me again.

Meanwhile I called a friend and completely broke down. I cried, swore, felt the burning pain contained in my chest intensifying... my friend was good and just heard me patiently. It was literally one of the worst days of my life, and it happened only two days ago.

She finally called me like half an hour later and said that she was leaving because she didn't trust me, and because she needed time and space to figure out if she wants to file for divorce or work it out. Mind you, she had already promised to work it out... but... anyways, all I could do was nothing. I just said with a broken voice "what's going on, what's happening" while crying like I hadn't done in years. She said she was mad at me for this, and for everything, and that she was leaving. She also said that I should not contact her unless she initiated contact. All I could say was okay... yes... do what's best for you.

That day I felt completely crushed.

The day after she sent a text message saying that she never intended to hurt me that way, and that she left because she thought I would not make it back that day from my trip (which is BS cause I had said to her that I would be there that day in advance). She also said that she loved me very much but needed time and space to think about the relationship, what she will do, and to apply for jobs because she quit her job at our hometown very quickly, in a very reckless way. She already had trust issues and this was building up for a while, so one day a petty fight happens and then the ****storm ensued. So, she said that, and said that I could text her if I wanted while she was traveling.

I did and told her how hurt I was and how she bailed on our marriage during the most critical moment, after promising to stay. Then she brought up the times I shoved her and how nasty I had been in the past. And that I brought this up on myself. She basically said it's your fault and there's nothing you can do about that.

My therapist said that I need to establish boundaries and space as well because she is in survival mode. She has done this before by the way, this is actually the third time this happens. The first time we broke up and she kicked me out of the house. The second time she left me alone in our apartment and I had to move out ASAP as I could not afford the lease on my own.

I did not want to take care of my issues until recently when I felt too guilty about everything. However, I still see this pattern of her leaving when things get tough, the only difference is that now we are married and I'm actively trying to improve. Getting help, talking to people, and friends...

My friends just tell me to forget about this and move on. They said that yeah what I did was wrong -I admitted to that- but what she has been doing just is not fair either...

I called her yesterday and asked her why doesn't she just end things? I thought to myself that even though I love her, I don't want to be in separation limbo for a long time. She already took her stuff anyways. I can pack the rest and send it to her.

If she doesn't believe we can work this out under the same roof, then why bother? She is already applying for jobs where she is right now so there is no way she is thinking about coming back. She probably will ask me to move over there if she changes her mind and decides to work things out. I have a good job here, but I can do better once I get my Ph.D., which I will, and more opportunities will come to me.

So what, if anything, should I do? She said she does not trust me, and yet doesn't want to complete the paperwork because she says "who wants to divorce?", and "I still love you so much".

I don't understand women.

This situation has my life on hold and I will not be able to tolerate it for a long time.

What should I consider doing in these circumstances?

Thank you.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Define shove.

And the situations before and after said shoving.


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## moreofthesame (Jul 23, 2015)

Shoving as pushing her with both my hands away from me.

The three situations were very similar. Heated, emotional discussions on a very stressful day.

After it happened she would usually cry for hours and I would be feeling terrible for what I did. Just horrible. I cannot justify what I did. I regret it and that's why I'm getting help now. Sadly there is nothing I can do about the past, but I am looking for focus to try and make the best of the present as it is.

The last time that happened was early in the year. I regret it deeply, but I never did anything that threatened her life or physical well being. I never punched her, or beat her up, left bruises, smashed her things, etc...

I was, however, sometimes, verbally abusive as well.

The entire thing is just sad.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Has she been physically or emotionally aggressive/abusive towards you as well, or is this a one way street?


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## moreofthesame (Jul 23, 2015)

Emotionally abusive? Only when she gets mad and detaches herself from me entirely. That has happened in the past throughout our relationship.

Physically? No. It's only been me those three times.

She is a sweet woman. It's mostly my fault that I am in this situation in many ways.


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## moreofthesame (Jul 23, 2015)

I should also mention that she suffers from anxiety, almost every day, as well as depression.

She has, for years, even before I met her.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

What are you doing to control your anger?


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## moreofthesame (Jul 23, 2015)

Therapy once a week, church almost everyday... feeling like crap...

I think this is over. But, in the meantime, what should I do with my situation?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Let her go. 

Work on yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moreofthesame (Jul 23, 2015)

I am ready to do that. But she doesn't want to complete the paperwork and just file for divorce.

As I said, she is very confused and flip flopping a lot. She even said to me yesterday "who wants to get a divorce?". However, she still is thinking about it... and I love her. God knows I love her, but waiting like this is just killing me. I need capitulation.

My therapist said I need to wait before I decide to do or say anything that I might regret, but it's really hard...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Let her go. 

There is no question. 

She's terrified to stay and terrified to go. Your worst scenario is to persue her. Focus on yourself. 

If she wants to find you, she knows how to do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moreofthesame (Jul 23, 2015)

marduk said:


> Let her go.
> 
> There is no question.
> 
> ...


That's a very elegant way to phrase it. Terrified to stay and terrified to go...

It's sad but true.

Thank you, I appreciate the time you took to write these messages.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

moreofthesame said:


> That's a very elegant way to phrase it. Terrified to stay and terrified to go...
> 
> It's sad but true.
> 
> Thank you, I appreciate the time you took to write these messages.


You're a good guy, man. I hear it in your posts. Don't let go of that.

Keep your anger in check. One day, when you're ready, see this from a larger perspective for the dynamic that it was.

You are not that dynamic.


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## moreofthesame (Jul 23, 2015)

Thanks man.

Appreciate it. Will try to get back to work.

It's just the third day. The first one was pure hell. Day after day I feel slightly better... but still, time will tell.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

moreofthesame said:


> Thanks man.
> 
> Appreciate it. Will try to get back to work.
> 
> It's just the third day. The first one was pure hell. Day after day I feel slightly better... but still, time will tell.


There is only this moment.

Just live in the moment.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Yea, let her go. She needs to figure out what she wants on her own. Give her the some time to work it out. Stop calling her and asking her what she wants to do. Give her the time to focus on what she wants. She needs the distance to separate from you. So that, she can without your influence decide on her own.

During this time work on yourself. Try to understand why you react the way you do. Find the man you want to be. It will come, everything takes time. 

Read: The four agreements by don micheal ruiz. I listen to it on my iPod. Good stuff. Always come out with something new. 

Have you ever mediated? Research how to. It can help with a lot of stuff.

Be good to yourself. Take care, eat and try to sleep.

Listen to Marmaduk. Man is wise.


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## moreofthesame (Jul 23, 2015)

pistal said:


> If you want any chance to get her back you need to leave her alone and stop pressuring her to make a decision.
> 
> She's in turmoil, ending a relationship of this duration takes time, and she may not be completely finished.
> 
> ...


I haven't been pressuring her to make a decision. She opened the door for me to text her and so I did, then I noticed that she was not very responsive and asked her if she preferred to not be contacted by me anymore. She said yes, and so I did, so I am not harassing her, just to clarify.

If anything, I feel terrible that she is going through this because of things I did. However, she is an adult too and she made a series of decisions in the last few weeks, in a very reckless way, and without too much thought, that led her to be where she is. In some ways she cornered herself, although I didn't help make things better by getting help so late in the process. As a matter of fact, she told me that she already regrets some of those decisions, and it's very possible that once the dust settles and everything is said and done, she will have more time to reflect on how she approached the situation, will see things under a different light.

But also, I am going to look out for myself. I will give her the time she requested, but after a month or two, if she does not come up with a decision, I will be ready to move on on my own, and that means that I will be filing for divorce on my own.

I have been reflecting on the situation and sometimes it feels completely lost. Some others, I don't know, if she is struggling so much to make such decision, which I believe should come more naturally given the circumstances, maybe she is thinking about giving it another shot now that I am actually getting help.

But that is not up to me anymore and I will be prepared regardless of the choices she makes.

ps: I just went to the gym two hours ago, paid for a yearly subscription, ran, did weight lifting, and I feel amazing.


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## moreofthesame (Jul 23, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> Yea, let her go. She needs to figure out what she wants on her own. Give her the some time to work it out. Stop calling her and asking her what she wants to do. Give her the time to focus on what she wants. She needs the distance to separate from you. So that, she can without your influence decide on her own.
> 
> During this time work on yourself. Try to understand why you react the way you do. Find the man you want to be. It will come, everything takes time.
> 
> ...


Thank you! I am starting to take of myself and other things, slowly, it's a process... hey, today I finally had breakfast! The day before I only ate a mango the entire day. Tomorrow I might have brunch... not been very hungry, losing weight. But I thank god that I can at least sleep well, that is something that this situation hasn't taken away from me. I am just not hungry ATM.

But will keep working on myself, and re-read the book you mentioned (I actually own it!).

Marduk is very wise indeed, and you are too.

Thanks again.


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