# Feeling Lost and Alone



## Mavia (Sep 28, 2009)

Long, sorry, but please bear with me if you have the time and inclination.

My husband has troubled teens. We've gone through years of counseling, courts, etc... with these kids. It's understandable that my husband gets worried, depressed, scared, and all the emotions I think good parents go through when their children are going down some very dangerous and unhealthy paths. They live with their mom, which gives us both even more cause for concern as she's not a very stable person.

I've known and have been in these children lives for the past 11 years and I care deeply for them and worry too, although my worry it set aside as being not from a "real parent".

This whole situation is used very often as an excuse to be emotionally neglectful/distant/removed from our relationship. It is a valid reason to be terribly upset, I'm certainly not arguing that. 

Day to day I am happy/content and busy with my own distractions. I do everything I can to be helpful and supportive of him, and it usually doesn't bother me too much until it goes on for days and days, and I feel like I'm on a "love starvation diet" clinging to every crumb that comes my way. 

Our sex life is wonderful, although feels "disconnected" from deep intimate emotional content. And, we usually do get along, if intimacy can be looked at in levels of 1 to 4, we seem to be at a 1 or 2, where I crave 4 but would be happy at a 2 to 3, with occasional visits to 1 and 4. But it seems like I'm the one that usually has to jump through hoops to get a personal interaction going any further than a shallow "2" connection. 

Very late last night, I was asleep and I heard my husband playing his video game. He was laughing and showed more emotion with that than I've felt from him in quite some time. It made me feel sad and I realized how much I miss him. Sure, I get the perfunctory kiss good-bye and "love you", but it feels just like that - perfunctory. Where I could really use some passion.

I struggle with trying to be the "understanding/compassionate spouse" and wanting to feel like my husband is present for me too, even if it's not as much as what I would like, at least as much so I could feel a little more effort.....

In no way do I expect him to just pretend the issues don't exist or to just blow them off in order to have fun with me. But, isn't there some reasonable medium in there somewhere - that you can be worried about the kids, yet still reach out to your spouse on an emotional level? 

At one point, he said I have to "remind" him and just say something like "I need love" so he'll know he's supposed to move a little closer. But honestly, my self esteem is taking a big knock down having to feel like I have to remind my husband to do something that I would prefer he WANT to do enough to make sure he remembered me.

What are your thoughts about this? What is reasonable and what is selfish to hope for? And how would you proceed with your spouse in a way that wouldn't leave him feeling defensive, blamed, or that you are being unreasonable in your requests?


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## whyminvrsatsfd (Nov 28, 2009)

Mavia- I'm really sorry that you're going through this. It is especially hard in this kind of situation where you were center and receiving a lot of attention at one time and now you're placed on the back burner. It really will knock your self esteem for a loop. But you have not done anything wrong, therefore your self esteem should not suffer like this. When you have children from a divorce, you feel a slight bit of guilt...well, maybe a lot of guilt for destroying a life the kids loved and depended on, no matter who's fault it was. When he is with you right now, its double guilt for what his preoccupancy does to you, on top of the situations with the kids. When your kids are having troubles, the guilt of not being there physically will definitely make you emotionally unavailable. He loves you and you love him (obvious throughout your post). During this time of heavy burden for your husband, I would do whatever you need to do in order to make yourself happy. Still be there emotionally, but whatever makes you laugh and escape the situation, do it. Fully explain to your husband what youre feeling and how you understand his pre-occupied behavior toward you, but you really miss him and love him and not being able to "reach" him is making you sad and depressed. Tell him you need to do things to feel better, like out with girlfriends, taking a artsy class of some sort, etc. Reassure him that you're there for him whenever he needs to talk. He should understand that the ropes that are wrapped around him and keeping him trapped, have nothing to do with you. With this proactive behavior, you wont resent him or the kids for the strain on the relationship. And most importantly, you wont lose YOU through all of this. Good luck to you!!


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

What game is he playing and what type is it , i have a rep with games that cost me so far everything i valued most in life .. My view is probably tainted on the hole "game phrase in there" cause if its a online game where he can role play or play with lots of other people that is most likely one of the big down falls in the relationship cause if it is those types of games they soon for some become center of attention and you spend more time on them then thinking of the real happiness in life. I got so bad at the end i was playing world of war craft up to 12-14 hrs a day . The wife felt neglected used and alone at the end , it wasnt lack of sex or love but it was the lack of attention appreciation and love i showed that hurt and cut so deeply into my wifes heart now i cant help but to feel the pain on top of the pain and lose i have to bear now , so i have learned , but i am hurting cause she hurt i hurt cause of the knowledge it was me that pushed this and i hurt cause of the loses of her and my kids in my life daily that i lost sight of until i got the big explosion and that is kinda what i think you are building up to and i say this to you , IF you havent been blunt with the man be so now or he may never see the signs and things get lots worse but if you are blunt and open with him things may reverse itself fast. Just my opinion but the hole "game" thing caught me right off the bat .. Them type games are ruining lots of relationships all through the US right now. 

As for the kids part that is added stress im sure but you can not let that get between the two of you so talk about that with him and the importance of staying connected through it all and stay strong and disiplined together over the kids. If they are they rebel that much and that strongly then id suggest him and you discussing more serious ways to deal with it then what you have so far maybe.. A new approach sorta speak or something
best of luck and wish you the best always


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## Mavia (Sep 28, 2009)

Thank you Why and Ben.

Why, Thank you so much for your thoughtful answer. I really appreciate it. My life is overfilling with fun activities and things that I enjoy doing. There is still that spot in my heart, the place that is only for my husband and should be. It feels empty and alone. I Miss My Husband! Diverting my attention to that is a band-aid, but at the end of the day I Miss My Husband!

Ben, thank you as well. He plays some war type game, but that isn't the problem as he does limit his playing and there is no problem there. The problem lays in the fact that years of this "depression over his kids" is used as an excuse to be emotionally distant. I've asked him to get help, there are free resources too, so money isn't even an issue. If I saw him pursuing some sort of help for himself, it would make it so much easier to continue to be patient while he took care of himself. But, when is enough - enough?

I really like your suggests of staying connected, despite the problems, that's exactly what attempts I make with him, but my attempts are met with a big lack of enthusiasm, he "goes along" somewhat, but just "going along" feels forced and unnatural.

I'm just really at a loss of what to do next. Of course, today, I'll just stay busy and try to be grateful for the many blessings I have in my life - but- I Miss My Husband!


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## Critter (Oct 7, 2009)

Mavia said:


> Long, sorry, but please bear with me if you have the time and inclination.
> 
> 
> Very late last night, I was asleep and I heard my husband playing his video game. He was laughing and showed more emotion with that than I've felt from him in quite some time. It made me feel sad and I realized how much I miss him. Sure, I get the perfunctory kiss good-bye and "love you", but it feels just like that - perfunctory. Where I could really use some passion.
> ...


Wow, Mavia, I am feeling exactly this way with my husband. He is also a gamer and seems to put more emotion into Xbox than into our relationship. 

I feel REALLY bad because I KNOW that he cares about me and wants things to be good, but he is just completely ignorant as to how to do it. We didn't really have much of a courtship (except for a lot of great sex) but now we don't even have that. It's not that I don't think of doing it with him, I do still desire to make love to him, but I am feeling so emotionally distanced from him by his failure to take action or responsibility or to participate in our relationship. 

I know that he doesn't so it out of meanness, he just doesn't know any better. He has had no example of how to be and won't seek advice. 

I am constantly doing research on how to make our marriage better, reading books, talking to other people (married and unmarried) and truly TRYING to change things for the better while he SAYS he wants to be better and wants me to be happy, but he never takes any action. He simply tells me that I need to tell him what I want and when I want it. I just keep telling him, it doesn't work that way! But, unfortunately, he doesn't understand. He says that he is very happy with me and he doesn't know what to do to make me happy. If you ask me, that's a cop out. It's like he is just too lazy to fix the problem and just wants to ignore it. He is extremely passive in all areas of life.

I do love him, but I can't stay with someone who won't stand up for themselves, their feelings, or their marriage. I told him how I felt last night and he left on his own, without me telling him to go. I'm not sure if he will ever understand that I am dying for him to fight for me and our relationship, but it's time for me to move on to something else where I can be more fulfilled and not feel like I'm living with a deaf, blind, and mute roommate.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Only you can decide what is evidence to you of a serious lack of regard for your needs and wants. It's obviously good that he's willing to hear and respond to, "I need some love!" But at some point, all of us realize that we are attentive to the people we love and their needs and wants, so do we not deserve the same respect and attention? 

If he is really thoughtless, but he wants the relationship to work, he will find ways to remind himself to meet your request--which isn't unreasonable. Be specific with him, decide what you think will feel good, then tell him, for example, "I need 3 loving statements/week spontaneously from you, and 2 acts of love/kindness (you can give him examples here of what you like--he can spontaneously offer a back rub, or whatever it is that makes you feel loved.)" Then (and tell him this), it is his job to figure out how to remind himself. I'd put it on my Outlook calendar, personally, as a "recurrent" appointment, to "expire" after 1000 times, or something like that. He can pick a few week days to remind himself, for example--every Sat/Tue/Fri, or whatever. He can set his watch to ding at certain times, or use his Blackberry--whatever it takes. Then he must follow through, and he might feel awkward at first, but it will get easier! Read the 5 languages of love for more ideas, too, and show him the parts that are "you," and ask him to show you the parts that are "him." Good luck!


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