# You would think a stay at home mom?



## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

Would love to have that lifestyle but to most its desctrutive,Ive realized that the more you take care of a women the more they want,spoil them? not enough. or am I just CRAZY!!!!I feel like Ive done most things right & its all my faught told its my fought! Went to the therapest & asked that same ?,your not crazy just blind sided by what has happened. well at least the wife agreed to go to therapy this friday,see what happens!


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

What has she done or said that makes you feel like her staying home is destructive?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Staying at home to take care of children isn't a lavish lifestyle. If you think being a SAHM will keep her happy regardless of other things in her life, you're sorely mistaken.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

WhereAmI said:


> Staying at home to take care of children isn't a lavish lifestyle. If you think being a SAHM will keep her happy regardless of other things in her life, you're sorely mistaken.


Simple question - what's the longest time you've ever stayed at home alone with your children?

I remember a week when my youngest daughter was about 2 and my wife had a week-long training session, so I took off work.

Was not easy.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Some women (and men!) are never happy.

Some women pine for the day they could be a SAHM and be supported and raise the family. These are women who went out into the workforce and discovered it wasn't all fat paychecks and intellectual stimulation.

Then there are others who feel like the home is a prision when they do get that.

It seems it's a human trait that people can't be happy where they are at.

Now, that being said, I do think women, as a human, struggle with this more than men. I mean, when Oprah dedicates shows and shows to the idea of gratitude and fostering it, it says something that's a deficiency IMHO. So, I see what you are saying, even though it's not PC.

I am not sure what it is, but you can't blame yourself. I know I did. . .you can just lay it all out - this is the lifestyle I can provide, I can alter here or there a bit for you by helping out, by making these accomodations, etc. . .if you can't deal with that and be happy. . .well, you and I are wasting our lives together then.

She should feel free to pursue the lifestyle she feels entitled to.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

For 13 years as soon as I got home from work ive took over duties bathed diapers tuck them in everynight, took care of them on the weekends stayed home from work when she was sick everything a good dad should do Ive done but still not enough always more could be done some of the stories Ive read on here of what women have put up with is crazy,mine just tells me I dont feel the same about you when Ive done just about everything I could do to have a good home life for my family .. sorry Im just venting getting angry nowneeded to vent!


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

never said it was easy but If I had the chance I would do it in a minute! would love to stay at home & be a stay at home dad,my kids are 6,11,13 now.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

gregj123 said:


> never said it was easy but If I had the chance I would do it in a minute! would love to stay at home & be a stay at home dad,my kids are 6,11,13 now.


So you say. Do you know how much fun it is to spend your entire day doing
get the kids on the bus
do the laundry
clean up the breakfast dishes
do the day's cleaning
prep dinner
do the bills
get the kids off the bus
help with homework

rinse, repeat Day After Day. It is mind numbing. Boring. 

I am a home schooling stay at home mom of school aged kids, The people who think we sit home and eat bons bons are INSANE. 

That said, it is true that some people lapse into boredom inspired mega boredom. 

For me, I cannot wait to get back to work next year. The benefits of home schooling thus far have been awesome. But it has been no boon for me.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

gregj123 said:


> never said it was easy but If I had the chance I would do it in a minute! would love to stay at home & be a stay at home dad,my kids are 6,11,13 now.


Do you say this to her? Does she come to you to complain about her day on occasion? How do you respond if she does?


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

well Im sure women are different some do more than others always said you have a hard job always complimented on house when everything was strait even when I seen things not done for days I never complained most of the time I cleaned it up myself.But when you have to go get a job things would look different,wasnt that bad.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

I could NEVER be a stay at home mom! It would be wayyy too difficult for me. I mean emotionally difficult; I get bored, anxious, and need to get out and do something and something that I find to be meaningful. I get that raising my kids is supposed to be all the "meaning" and fulfillment that I technically need...But I'm going into a career that is morally fulfilling and that I know I will love. It's different for everyone; if I were in business or waitressing/nannying like I do now, I would find being a SAHM much more fulfilling. However, I will be improving peoples' lives in ways that matter much more than I would be improving my children's situation by being at home. And I will not be a replaceable member of the workforce in the same way that an accountant or a secretary is replaceable. It's just a tough place b/c I feel like I'm a bad person either way. I'm torn between my moral responsibility to my family and my moral responsibility to society and the community. Ideally, I would like to work part time so I wouldn't have to choose one over the other.

I also really, really don't like hearing SAHMs complain about how hard it is to cook dinner and do laundry, etc. especially when they have kids in school for 6+ hours a day! I think the reason for my negative attitude towards these women is mostly because they scare the **** out of me! I'm worried that if I stay home, I'll get "stressed" because I have laundry to do or kids to drive to soccer practice. I wouldn't want that for myself. Especially since now I do all of those things and they're not a big deal...I'm worried that if school/work isn't there, I'll start getting stressed about inconsequential things like dinner or vacuuming or something and I'll make myself unhappy. There are plenty of SAHMs who enjoy it and aren't stressed, but I'm worried I wouldn't be one of those moms lol. I've found that when I have infinite free time, I never get anything done. I could have all day to do the laundry but somehow I just get distracted or keep putting it off...I couldn't have that happen every day lol. It takes a certain degree of self motivation that I lack when I don't have a well defined schedule.

Anyway, I will close by saying that I do have a lot of respect for people who choose to stay at home and are happy with their choice. Especially you, VT! Homeschooling is so tough, but you seem to feel passionately about it and I can tell that your kids are probably benefiting so much from it. I understand that being a SAHM in general is stressful at times, but for the women who get through it and find joy and meaning in it, that's very admirable!

However, I don't respect women who stay at home and are unhappy and rude to their families and _constantly_ "stressed" over nothing, because this is the sort of behavior that I wouldn't respect in myself. And it's behavior that I will prevent in myself (hopefully).


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

lime said:


> I could NEVER be a stay at home mom! It would be wayyy too difficult for me. I mean emotionally difficult; I get bored, anxious, and need to get out and do something and something that I find to be meaningful. I get that raising my kids is supposed to be all the "meaning" and fulfillment that I technically need...


It is hard to get past the fact that is it just freaking boring. If your kids are in school or very small, you have fewer technical challenges. I am lucky because I learn things about spelling that I never learned in school. (Did you know that there is a method to the madness, and you don't have to just memorize lists?!?) I get to teach algebra! And I get to do "PE" with the kids.

But damn, every day there are three meals of dishes. There are at least 2 loads of laundry. Since the house is lived in, the housework is way more. Yes, as a parent, you are charged with making sure the kids are engaged in it. But that is not always a blessing either!



> But I'm going into a career that is morally fulfilling and that I know I will love.


Nobody can tell you what you find fulfilling. 



> It's different for everyone; if I were in business or waitressing/nannying like I do now, I would find being a SAHM much more fulfilling.


Let me speak from the stand point who IS a stay at home Mom. Full time. 24x7. Yah it is full filling. Yesterday we went for a snow shoe. Bonding up the gaazoo. It is also immensely frustrating. The <swear word> shoes are in the middle of the hall AGAIN. You are not TWO. Ok let's develop a routine or habit so that we can remember to put SOCKS ON before going out in the 20 degree temperatures.

I have been a software engineer. I have done all tiers of software support. I have been an software analyst. When I tell you that raising kids properly requires problem solving skills that DWARF these other careers, I am not even close to joking. Why can't that kid learn to tie his shoes (figure out subtraction with borrowing, clean his room...)? Fine motor skills? Attention span? Laziness? Needs a beatin'? (I don't even believe in corporal punishment let alone abuse, I jest.)

Oy I swear.



> However, I will be improving peoples' lives in ways that matter much more than I would be improving my children's situation by being at home. And I will not be a replaceable member of the workforce in the same way that an accountant or a secretary is replaceable. It's just a tough place b/c I feel like I'm a bad person either way.


Oh to hell with the guilt. DO your best. Then don't worry about it. The guilt helps no one.Not everyone is a full time parent. Not everyone is an actor, a physicist, a photo journalist. Viva la difference.



> I'm torn between my moral responsibility to my family and my moral responsibility to society and the community.


Your moral responsibility to your family is to raise your children up properly (among other things). YOU decide how that is done. And luckily now you have more options than ever before.




> Ideally, I would like to work part time so I wouldn't have to choose one over the other.


Did that. It has its own challenges. It is hard to fully commit to either. You can wind up feeling like you are giving the short shrift both.



> I also really, really don't like hearing SAHMs complain about how hard it is to cook dinner and do laundry, etc. especially when they have kids in school for 6+ hours a day!


I don't think anyone claims it is actually hard to do the dishes or whatever. There are some challenges, especially if you home school or have small kids. The first is that by living in the space that is being cleaned, there is an order of magnitude more of it. This work is beyond un-fulfilling. It is mind numbingly boring to the point where I have to FORCE myself to do it. Again. And Again. ... And then AGAIN for the severalth time that day. Rinse and repeat day after day. The work is entirely self directed and self motivated. There are no bosses. There are no deadlines. There are no performance reviews. Just one day rolling into another, if you aren't careful. The last challenge is the scarcity of interesting grown up companionship.




> Anyway, I will close by saying that I do have a lot of respect for people who choose to stay at home and are happy with their choice. Especially you, VT! Homeschooling is so tough, but you seem to feel passionately about it and I can tell that your kids are probably benefiting so much from it. I understand that being a SAHM in general is stressful at times, but for the women who get through it and find joy and meaning in it, that's very admirable!
> 
> However, I don't respect women who stay at home and are unhappy and rude to their families and _constantly_ "stressed" over nothing, because this is the sort of behavior that I wouldn't respect in myself. And it's behavior that I will prevent in myself (hopefully).


I know one stay-at-home Mom who is always stressed about how busy she is, with two kids in elementary school. And a maid. :scratchhead:


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I had been a stay at home mom for five years.

I have been working for eight years. 

When I was staying at home, I knew I had to, my son was little, my ex was making enough to support the family, money was not the issue. We could still save a lot of money with one income. But my world was very small, mainly my son, taught him to walk, to talk, to read, to learn, my world was at home. Made a few friends, they were all stay at home moms, conversation was about children, bras, clothes, food, and men..............I was content, but felt lacking confidence, admire women who were working. They dressed more fabulous, I dressed plain. They could go to coffee shops and chat chat, I couldn't..................

Then it was time for my son to go to school, I went back to school myself, spent time in classes myself for a year, started looking for a job. 

Now I have been working for eight years, I love my job, I love the fulfillment. I feel I am much more confident as a woman, I am much more interesting as a person. I like the secure feeling that I provide too, give my husband and me a better life style, in case somethings bad happens to him, I can still carry the load. 

I don't think I like the kind of life staying at home. I also think women who stay at home sacrifice a lot for their family. They sacrifice their own joy so the children can have a better home life, so the husband can concentrate on his job.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> It is hard to get past the fact that is it just freaking boring. If your kids are in school or very small, you have fewer technical challenges. I am lucky because I learn things about spelling that I never learned in school. (Did you know that there is a method to the madness, and you don't have to just memorize lists?!?) I get to teach algebra! And I get to do "PE" with the kids.
> 
> But damn, every day there are three meals of dishes. There are at least 2 loads of laundry. Since the house is lived in, the housework is way more. Yes, as a parent, you are charged with making sure the kids are engaged in it. But that is not always a blessing either!
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice, VT. I think you're right that I will have many options for raising my family the right way, but there are challenges no matter what. You're right, the guilt is unproductive, and I think I'm mostly experiencing it now as fear because I'm young and haven't fully decided how I want to raise my kids or how much I want to work vs. stay at home. 

I feel like as women and mothers, we have to justify our choices and put up with criticism from all sides. I think it will be easier to manage this criticism once I have kids of my own and can see that they are happy as a result of our family dynamic. I think different kids need different lifestyles, but I won't know what mine need until they are born


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## mrsromance (Oct 21, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> So you say. Do you know how much fun it is to spend your entire day doing
> get the kids on the bus
> do the laundry
> clean up the breakfast dishes
> ...


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Lime, 

I don't suggest women stay at home for their whole life. 

When you have young kids, it is important for you to stay at home to look after them, it gives them secure feeling when their own mother takes care of them daily instead of a nanny. 

But after your children go to school, I strongly suggest you go look for a job and work, it will give us women a much more secure feeling. Men usually don't respect women who stay at home much. They find us boring, they find us less interesting. They think we are weak, they think they have power over us since we are dependent on them financially, they usually feel stressed too since they are the only ones who make money. And we lose ourselves too by secluding us from the society! 

A working woman is usually more confident and fulfilled!


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

I have a lot of respect for stay at home Moms. I was fortunate enough to stay home with my 2nd daughter for 14 months. I was breastfeeding and it was a great time...most of the time. But it wasn't long before I wanted to get back to the daily fulfillment of my career (teaching). I went back to work at first 4 days a week thinking taking Wednesdays off for the first year would make the transition with a new baby easier. Within a few months, I realized that I didn't need that day off work at all and was able to get back full time. As a teacher, I'm also off work on school breaks, including summer. So I get a taste of both worlds. I know for a fact (with the caveat that this is MY story, and shouldn't be applied to all women) that for me, I'm a MUCH better parent to my kids when I'm being fulfilled with my career. MUCH better. My youngest is now 6 years old and is one of the most independent, interesting and empathic kids around (and yes, it's not just me that thinks this...her teachers at school as well as her dance teachers all say the same thing).


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

gregj123 said:


> Would love to have that lifestyle but to most its desctrutive,Ive realized that the more you take care of a women the more they want,spoil them? not enough. or am I just CRAZY!!!!I feel like Ive done most things right & its all my faught told its my fought! Went to the therapest & asked that same ?,your not crazy just blind sided by what has happened. well at least the wife agreed to go to therapy this friday,see what happens!



i think its more like, you give them this life style, and the attitude that goes with it. you arent giving and giving with no pay out, the pay out is this. you are getting what you put into the marriage. all the superficial, and fakeness, you put in and showed and taught her to accept and believe this is what marriage is.

its called bordedom. you think she wants all this money and pretty things and a big mc mansion, but in turth all she wants is you. you are unavaliable, your credit card never says no. the stores at the malls are always welcoming and lovely.

you equate monitarity with love, and now under your guidence now she does to. time isnt nessary, love is counted by dollar amount in the bank. so in her mind, she is free to do as she pleases, your time is money, and you have made her feel guilty for wanting more of you. someone else didnt. someone else said they would live in a shack, as long as it was filled with love.

its prob., not what happened, but its a one sided view to explain what i read from all your threads. 

yes, we women do like nice things, but love and time and showing us we mean the world to our husbands is nice as well. yes i understand indoors rocks, but what if you didnt have it, would she stand by, what if you didnt have a car, and you were bussin it everywhere, would she stand by you, what if you were livin pay check to pay check, one day off work means less money, would she stand strong and be loyal to you??????

you thought having a kept wife was a way to keep her with you.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I'm a SAHM, I consider it a privledge, and joy to stay home with my son. Jobs will always be there, my son will only be small once. One day he will be gone, and I will have the memories of my time with him. I wouldn't trade my time with him for any job in the world.

I had my son when I was 36 he is 9. I once worked for a multi-million corp. for years. I was stressed, overworked, never had time for myself. I left it all behind to be a SAHM. I never regretted my decision. In a few years I'll return to the work force.

Everything one does has it's pros, and cons. You have to make the best choice for you.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

4sure said:


> I'm a SAHM, I consider it a privledge, and joy to stay home with my son. Jobs will always be there, my son will only be small once. One day he will be gone, and I will have the memories of my time with him. I wouldn't trade my time with him for any job in the world.
> 
> I had my son when I was 36 he is 9. I once worked for a multi-million corp. for years. I was stressed, overworked, never had time for myself. I left it all behind to be a SAHM. I never regretted my decision. In a few years I'll return to the work force.
> 
> Everything one does has it's pros, and cons. You have to make the best choice for you.


Good women!


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

quote:However, I don't respect women who stay at home and are unhappy and rude to their families and constantly "stressed" over nothing, because this is the sort of behavior that I wouldn't respect in myself. And it's behavior that I will prevent in myself (hopefully). 
Excatly why blame your husband ?????


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

gregj123 said:


> Excatly why blame your husband ?????


What does she SAY is the problem? I wonder if you are assuming all manner of things in order to deflect from you.

- SAHMhood
- Facebook

I forget if there were others.

Could you be looking at THOSE things in order to avoid looking at you? Just a thought.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I lOVE being a Stay At home Mom ! I am very thankful I am able to stay home, husband prefers it this way. I never get bored, but hey, that is cause I have the internet! 

I agree with Lime , when I hear SAHM's complain about how difficult it is, well, that just seems insane to me personally. I can manage to pack my entire day into a couple hrs & have hours & hours to do whatever I want! I consider myself to have the life of Leisure. I almost feel GUILTY about it. It is all in the plannning & determination to get things done, I start at 6am and usually have the whole day done by 10:00am. The hardest part for me is NONE of those chores (cooking, cleaning, laundery, scheduling, organizing, cutting grass, etc), but accually "taking the time" -sitting down with my toddler and Playing with him. 

And I know someday I will want to have these precious days back. I think I need to go sit with him & do a puzzle or read a book!


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

Your judging that I have a proplem Ive not been perfect,had my hobbies but always family first,when you spend hours & hours on the computer dont really do much that day around the house & then conplain to your husband that he never does enough when I clean up after kids & what has not been done during the day sucks,& blamed for not letting her have a job or go to school.she chose to stay at home ,now all of a sudden its my faught,no support I supported the SAHM thing for 13 years I could have said get a dam job to take the stress off of me! but no wanted her to have it,Ive gone to a counciling & ive been the one trying,not spending hours doing whatever on FB or what ever site endulging herself & hurting me.Ive read all the bad husband stories on here & I dont even come close to what these women have put up with!


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

but in those spare hours did you disrespect ur husband & endulge in ur own shortcommings???? EA,thats what hurts.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

SA,

When my son was little, every day I had a schedule for him to learn things. Fifteen minutes for each subject, math fifteen minutes, story(Chinese) fifteen minutes, science fifteen minutes. I was not patient back then, but still my son benefits a lot from those years of early exposure!


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

My question to you is, since you seem to be the one doing it all, and you are the one angry by her not being grateful, blaming, or whatever it is she is doing, whats your plan? You said you had been in counseling, what were their suggestions for you?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

gregj123 said:


> quote:However, I don't respect women who stay at home and are unhappy and rude to their families and constantly "stressed" over nothing, because this is the sort of behavior that I wouldn't respect in myself. And it's behavior that I will prevent in myself (hopefully).
> Excatly why blame your husband ?????


It's safe to assume you don't acknowledge her feelings, then. She's not stressed over nothing. There's something there. Just because it wouldn't stress you out does not mean her feelings are any less than yours. 

I highly doubt this has anything to do with her being a SAHM. I've been a SAHM for four years. Other things in my life matter as well. When my husband acts a fool, naturally it upsets me. I don't stop and say, "WAIT! He 'allows' me to stay home. Let me worship the ground that he walks on!" 

Just as she should be grateful for the opportunity to stay at home YOU should be grateful for what she does. Instead you seem to think you should have a free pass to do as you wish. 

If you want things to get better you are going to have to start with yourself. You can't make your wife change. Hopefully she'll make that decision for herself soon.


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

I used to work from home a day or two a week when my kids were around ages 3 and 1. That was NOT easy at all. It was very stressful but my husband didn't understand that at all and thought I should continue to do this to save us money in daycare. Now my husband is a SAHD because he lost his job last year. We actually decided for him to stay at home for awhile because it was easier on our schedules because I work long hours sometimes and am back in school. He has since given me way more credit for trying to work from home with two young kids. He does a great job at it but I have to say I can tell he is completely stressed out many nights when I get home. I could never do this full time. Some women (like me) get a sense of purpose out of having a job outside the home. I feel more happy and complete working and fullfilling my business goals. luckily I have a flexible job so I can wfh if needed and I get flex days off. So I still have extra days to spend with my children and I coach their soccer teams etc...Maybe she feels to dependent on you and it doesn't make her feel happy? maybe if she could get a part time job or do something else for herself that is fullfilling it would help?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> SA,
> 
> When my son was little, every day I had a schedule for him to learn things. Fifteen minutes for each subject, math fifteen minutes, story(Chinese) fifteen minutes, science fifteen minutes. I was not patient back then, but still my son benefits a lot from those years of early exposure!


This is the only part of SAHMhood that I find stressful. The first few years of a child's life matter most and I question whether I'm doing enough or even over doing it. That's my lady brain worrying too much.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

gregj123 said:


> Your judging that I have a proplem


I am not judging you at all. I am suggesting an alternate point of view for your to consider, though in my experience on internet marriage groups, those who get most quickly defensive are the ones most likely to foist blame to the other partner. Just sayin'.



> Ive not been perfect,had my hobbies but always family first,when you spend hours & hours on the computer dont really do much that day around the house & then conplain to your husband that he never does enough when I clean up after kids & what has not been done during the day sucks,& blamed for not letting her have a job or go to school.she chose to stay at home ,now all of a sudden its my faught,no support I supported the SAHM thing for 13 years I could have said get a dam job to take the stress off of me! but no wanted her to have it,Ive gone to a counciling & ive been the one trying,not spending hours doing whatever on FB or what ever site endulging herself & hurting me.Ive read all the bad husband stories on here & I dont even come close to what these women have put up with!


Sounds like learning effective limit setting is in order for you. She sounds like she needs a boot in the butt.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Have you tried sitting her down and in a calm manner asking her whats really wrong? She could be stressed, or even depressed maybe. 

I understand you're venting and there is nothing wrong with that here. I just hope the way you word things and come across here isn't how you act at home towards her. That will only make things worse. 

I'm not saying you do not have a right to be upset, and we don't know her side here, so she could actually just be a lazy person who is not grateful, like you feel she is, or there could be a real problem.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

Ive been a good husband to her,a execellent father.shes bored with her life & in these times of instant access to anything thats when things get bad. economic times are bad never had issues with money shes spender in the way we would get in trouble she blames me for alot that I dont think I had anything to do with.My parents have been married for 63 years,her parents spilt off& on when she was 11 to 13 years old she said to me that that would never happen to her own kids but now??? guess what,just for her feeling she dont feel the same about me her life????? she has a counciling app. hoping something can be awakened from that I just dont believe its all what she is saying.& she has a way of shutting out all of her feelings!!!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

gregj123 said:


> Your judging that I have a proplem Ive not been perfect,had my hobbies but always family first,when you spend hours & hours on the computer dont really do much that day around the house & then conplain to your husband that he never does enough when I clean up after kids & what has not been done during the day sucks,& blamed for not letting her have a job or go to school.she chose to stay at home ,now all of a sudden its my faught,no support I supported the SAHM thing for 13 years I could have said get a dam job to take the stress off of me! but no wanted her to have it,Ive gone to a counciling & ive been the one trying,not spending hours doing whatever on FB or what ever site endulging herself & hurting me.Ive read all the bad husband stories on here & I dont even come close to what these women have put up with!


 I don't feel your wife should be blaming you at all ! If she is not getting the majorty of things done while you are a work, this speaks of her lack as a wife, not yours as a husband. 

Obviosuly she is looking for something to complain about, some people MUST have someone to blame. I feel it would be momumentaly harder to have kids , have a 20- 40 hr job in addition, come home to all of these chores, then I could see you doing so much more. Does she think this would be easier somehow ? Do the daycare thing, hire a maid, and eat out all the time. This is usually what it comes down too, if you can afford these things. Would this make her happier, then she would have less time for her facebooking. Might be a good thing. 

I am wondering if you marreid too young and she had other plans -wanting to do the college thing but these got side tracked and she feels she has missed out on her calling in life? Not your fault of coarse, but my own Mother felt like this, she had me & married when College was what she really wanted in life, she was never happy. But only had herself to blame for "going along" with things that was against her own passions & desires.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

AgentD said:


> Have you tried sitting her down and in a calm manner asking her whats really wrong? She could be stressed, or even depressed maybe.
> 
> I understand you're venting and there is nothing wrong with that here. I just hope the way you word things and come across here isn't how you act at home towards her. That will only make things worse.
> 
> I'm not saying you do not have a right to be upset, and we don't know her side here, so she could actually just be a lazy person who is not grateful, like you feel she is, or there could be a real problem.


I dont have the greatest way with words ive tried to talk but then its about her thats why Ive stopped always turns about her & how hard shes got it, & no I dont think she is lazy or ungrateful but mood swings & the total shutdown of our marriage is what hurt me the most.Is she cheating I dont know but it will all come out either way I love her more than anybody could love somebody!!!! thats a fact!!!!!!


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I don't feel your wife should be blaming you at all ! If she is not getting the majorty of things done while you are a work, this speaks of her lack as a wife, not yours as a husband.
> 
> Obviosuly she is looking for something to complain about, some people MUST have someone to blame. I feel it would be momumentaly harder to have kids , have a 20- 40 hr job in addition, come home to all of these chores, then I could see you doing so much more. Does she think this would be easier somehow ? Do the daycare thing, hire a maid, and eat out all the time. This is usually what it comes down too, if you can afford these things. Would this make her happier, then she would have less time for her facebooking. Might be a good thing.
> 
> I am wondering if you marreid too young and she had other plans -wanting to do the college thing but these got side tracked and she feels she has missed out on her calling in life? Not your fault of coarse, but my own Mother felt like this, she had me & married when College was what she really wanted in life, she was never happy. But only had herself to blame for "going along" with things that was against her own passions & desires.


Excatly but she came from not much her life would probley not been great almost everybody she grew up with are drug addicts & losers she got away from that whole area broke the mold!!! she has school friends she close to & she has it the best out of all of them! best house attentive husband,maybe I needed to be more of a jerk & chase skirts & drink. (just venting but sometimes true)


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

gregj123 said:


> Ive been a good husband to her,a execellent father.shes bored with her life & in these times of instant access to anything thats when things get bad. economic times are bad never had issues with money shes spender in the way we would get in trouble she blames me for alot that I dont think I had anything to do with.


In the Men's Clubhouse there is a sticky at the top of the forum that says something like Man Up. 

It has to do with expectation management and limit setting. We all want our spouses to be nice, kind, mature and wonderful all the time. But sometimes even a spouse needs a little push to grow up.

If I were you, I would sit her down and speak to her. Tell her that you will no longer tolerate her blaming you for her unhappiness. Say you want her to be happy, and you want to love and care for her always. BUT you are not responsible for her boredom (or whatever). If she want to be not bored, then you are happy to help troubleshoot that problem. But the ultimate solution for that problem is hers.

The limit setting comes in when she verbally blames you. In that conversation you tell her I am not responsible for this, and I will no longer tolerate your blaming me. When you are ready to discuss solutions, I am ready to talk to you. But I am not going to listen to this anymore.

I think there are some good resources if you google something like setting limits in relationships.

The great hope for you is that if there is love there, then this problem is solvable.

Good luck!


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Obviously there are possibly some unresolved issues here with her, and hopefully some counseling can help her. I see so many people who bring unresolved baggage into their marriages and the sad thing is its usually the kids who suffer. Everyone suffers actually. If she is willing to get some kind of help, are you willing to stick by her? 

I think her unresolved issues are piling up, shes probably depressed and not knowing how to handle things etc. You mentioned her mood swings, that's another sign that might could indicate there is more going on here than her just being lazy etc.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

But if she has no love left for me whats the use,shes wants her lifestyle but me doing the same as ive been without a wife I cant do that for long,Ive read the man up & have done some of those things,we shall see I believes she still loves me somewhere inside but why tear everything apart without even a try? she agreed to a session of counciling thats the only positive thing ive seen yet in a month


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

WhereAmI said:


> This is the only part of SAHMhood that I find stressful. The first few years of a child's life matter most and I question whether I'm doing enough or even over doing it. That's my lady brain worrying too much.


People say the first three years determines if they are going to be smart or not. The first 13 years determines their personality. 

I was 24 when I had my son, learning to be a mom. 

I was too impatient. I think I was expecting too much from my son. 

Now I have been a teacher at a school for 8 years, I am very different. 

If I had a child again, I would still do the same thing I did for my son. But I would be more patient and understand kids better. 

Little kids can't concentrate for long, fifteen minutes are good for them. Don't get upset over them that they don't learn, it only means we expect too much. Let them learn while having fun.  And they are going to develop their own interest. 

I was teaching him everything, it turns out my son likes science, but his language skills are above average too since he was able to read at a very young age(3), now if he has time, he spends a lot of his time reading. He also reads very fast, at a speed I don't understand. Sometimes I think that he didn't read it, but I ask him questions, he knows what happened in the book. 

He is doing very well in his class. 

For moral teaching, his father takes him to church! I also teach him about life!


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

Sounds to me if you felt more appreciated this could be tolerated, the complaints. Some of the complaining women do shouldn't be taken personally by their husbands. Women vent very often and we often don't filter everything we say.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I think you both need to brush up on some better communication skills. You do not feel appreciated, however it could be she doesn't either for whatever reason. Its good she has agreed to go to counseling though. I would just see where that leads. If she doesn't go back or it doesn't seem like its going to work no matter what, then you might want to pull the plug, no need to go through life being angry and feeling unappreciated. Its wasted time and energy to feel that way.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I lOVE being a Stay At home Mom ! I am very thankful I am able to stay home, husband prefers it this way. I never get bored, but hey, that is cause I have the internet!
> 
> I agree with Lime , when I hear SAHM's complain about how difficult it is, well, that just seems insane to me personally. I can manage to pack my entire day into a couple hrs & have hours & hours to do whatever I want! I consider myself to have the life of Leisure. I almost feel GUILTY about it. It is all in the plannning & determination to get things done, I start at 6am and usually have the whole day done by 10:00am. The hardest part for me is NONE of those chores (cooking, cleaning, laundery, scheduling, organizing, cutting grass, etc), but accually "taking the time" -sitting down with my toddler and Playing with him.
> 
> And I know someday I will want to have these precious days back. I think I need to go sit with him & do a puzzle or read a book!


I'm a guy and agree with you. And yes, I have had a sample of staying at home. I have summers off and vacations in the fall, Christmas, and spring. I am divorced now, but I always took care of my kids and household chores during that time and never understood what the big deal was. I suppose it's just a matter of personality instead of the work being so hard.

Like you, I could get the actual chores done in no time flat and just feel free the rest of the time, and I am a personality type that is never bored regardless of how little is going on, and i think things like working a puzzle with the kids is going to create more precious memories than what I do in the work force.

I considered it a low stress job. We had a new stove delivered once during the summer and I was really excited about it. I enjoyed fooling with it and using it. Some people might say, "get a life," but I'm glad I was able to enjoy getting a new stove, unlike when work is going on, it is delivered, and we barely have time to notice it.

Sometimes people would ask, "Who keeps the kids during your breaks?" They asked as though it were so difficult that, me being a guy, I would have to take them somewhere for proper care.:scratchhead: 

I can certainly understand complaints if a spouse does public work and is then expected to do all that in addition, but if staying at home is what one does, I never saw the big deal. I have always said that I could have easily been a stay home dad.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

Dont ever use the word CHORES to describe whats done around the house!!!!!


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

made that mistake once! never again


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Well actually, I can use the word chores.  But if it will make you feel better, (obviously there are triggers for you), housework, duties, things that need to be done around the house etc..either way you word it, all comes out the same.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

gregj123 said:


> made that mistake once! never again



I understand. :smthumbup: I'll bet you never thought one small word could cause such an upset


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

When is she supposed to go to counseling?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I see that somebody already directed you to the sticky at the top of the page.

The need to set limits is correct. Perhaps not so much for her at this point, but for yourself.

Sounds like things are pretty dysfunctional on the home-front. People can recommend, 'sitting your spouse down', talking, trying effective communication, setting expectations, etc. 

If your case is as I suspect, it just won't work.

The communication you need to utilize is non-verbal. You will likely start to get results quicker, if you DON'T talk to her.

Stop engaging her. Stop doing all of the things that you do, that you believe should be her responsibility. Just stop.

Turn on what we refer to as the "emotional air-conditioning". Start displaying indifference instead of anger. Stop being available. If she asks you to do something, simply say; "No. You will have to take care of that." presuming that it is something that you know perfectly well she can and should be dealing with.

YOU need to change YOUR behavior. That's the way this works. Asking her to change hers simply doesn't work - will never work.

If you change how you respond to her, she has no other option than to change how she responds to you.

Freaking out, yelling, being indignant or acting hurt are things you simply must NOT do.

The goal is to be in control of yourself. The angrier she gets, the calmer you get. Make sense? Think you can pull that off?


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

trey69 said:


> When is she supposed to go to counseling?[friday


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I see that somebody already directed you to the sticky at the top of the page.
> 
> The need to set limits is correct. Perhaps not so much for her at this point, but for yourself.
> 
> ...


Man Im trying hard to do!!!!! giving her space that she requested. I just feel so alone!!!! get angry then sad but mainly lonely.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I see that somebody already directed you to the sticky at the top of the page.
> 
> The need to set limits is correct. Perhaps not so much for her at this point, but for yourself.
> 
> ...


I agree... by itself. But i MAY help limit the bafflement when the limit setting actions are then taken. Fair warning and all.



> The communication you need to utilize is non-verbal. You will likely start to get results quicker, if you DON'T talk to her.


Oh I disagree with that. Talk first. Follow through with actions.



> Stop engaging her. Stop doing all of the things that you do, that you believe should be her responsibility. Just stop.
> 
> Turn on what we refer to as the "emotional air-conditioning". Start displaying indifference instead of anger. Stop being available. If she asks you to do something, simply say; "No. You will have to take care of that." presuming that it is something that you know perfectly well she can and should be dealing with.
> 
> YOU need to change YOUR behavior. That's the way this works. Asking her to change hers simply doesn't work - will never work.


What Deejo said.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

southbound said:


> I understand. :smthumbup: I'll bet you never thought one small word could cause such an upset


seems like I always used some word that was wrong or taken out of context!! there is more to this story than I can even begin to figure out! Im not the root cause of her proplems as she claims!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

In a marriage, you can't just plop your wife at home with kids and assume that you are doing her a great favor and then assume she will be fulfilled and happy. You have to respond to her complaints of stress, boredom, lack of fulfillment with something better than and attitude that seems to say "I work, she gets to stay home, I've given her everything, she should be happy". This will not work for you. You have to help her feel appreciated, fulfilled, excited about life. Also, you doing work around the house in order to appease her emotions is not the solution.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Hicks said:


> In a marriage, you can't just plop your wife at home with kids and assume that you are doing her a great favor and then assume she will be fulfilled and happy. You have to respond to her complaints of stress, boredom, lack of fulfillment with something better than and attitude that seems to say "I work, she gets to stay home, I've given her everything, she should be happy". This will not work for you. You have to help her feel appreciated, fulfilled, excited about life. Also, you doing work around the house in order to appease her emotions is not the solution.


I agree...She doesn't come up to you and say, "I take care of the house, I raise the kids, I cook you dinner so that you can work. You should be happy." :lol:


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## twoplusthree (Jan 12, 2011)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> It is hard to get past the fact that is it just freaking boring. If your kids are in school or very small, you have fewer technical challenges. I am lucky because I learn things about spelling that I never learned in school. (Did you know that there is a method to the madness, and you don't have to just memorize lists?!?) I get to teach algebra! And I get to do "PE" with the kids.
> 
> But damn, every day there are three meals of dishes. There are at least 2 loads of laundry. Since the house is lived in, the housework is way more. Yes, as a parent, you are charged with making sure the kids are engaged in it. But that is not always a blessing either!
> 
> ...




I was homeschooled as a kid and I always thought I would want that for my own. I am now a mother of three and I know I could never do it. I just don't have the patience. 

I thought I take to motherhood naturally and was totally unprepared for finding being at home with three under-fives really really dull. I had problems with depression for years and that, combined with the boredom, made being a SAHM very difficult. 

Life becomes very small - which is why the acts of caring for and feeding the children AND doing the washing seem like epic tasks. 

It's also very hard to feel good about a job that has no value placed on it - I've had many a pair of eyes glaze over when I say I'm a SAHM.

I love my children more than anything, but I need other things in my life.

Ceri


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

wish I would have known more or turned back time now after all its damaged so bad its all laid out on me Im at fault.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

gregj123 said:


> wish I would have known more or turned back time now after all its damaged so bad its all laid out on me Im at fault.


And that would be a crock of certifiable sh!t.

It isn't all your fault. Can't be all your fault. Do you believe this?


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

Ive thought Ive done everything right was raised right & treated her like a queen,provided everything. Yeah I guess I blame myself should have been a jerk or skirtchaser & made her life more exciting maybe a drunk or drug addict would have been exciting enough to stay "In LOVE" with me just having a hard time comming to terms with it all!!!!!! Yes I guess I blame myself.


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