# Confused



## DazedAndConfuzed (Apr 16, 2014)

Hello,

I am having a bit of trouble. Let me give some backstory, first. Oct 29 2012, I did something that I am so ashamed of -- I physically abused her. I attempted to kill myself and then my wife checked me into a hospital, so I could get help. She didn't press charges on me. She moved into her mom's house.

I was loaded on quite a bit of drugs at that time -- enough that should ended my life. On 11 16 2012, I stepped into the rooms of NA. I started to work on things and while I was, she moved 1000 miles away. 


In July 2013, I went to her house and took my car that I gave her to use down where she lived. 

Recently, she got an internship with an attorney's office. She also moved into an apartment.

Her and I talk daily and she has came to visit me on occassion. She has stated that she loved me and wanted to work things out, we have even planned for her to move back with me, when the internship ends at the end of the year. 

I have asked her several times where does she live and work. She refuses to tell me. I know if I can wait out another 8 months, I will be back with her. 

I know I did wrong and it scared me clean. I regret what I did to her and have asked what I could do to make things right. She states she doesn't know if I can ever make it right. That, I can live with. What I cannot live with is not knowing where my wife is.

Am I just being unreasonable? I know I'm lucky that she does want to move back with me. Should I just suck it up and deal with it or press the issue?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

You do not need to know where she is, if she wanted you to know she would tell you. Her not telling you means she doesn't entirely trust you, and that neither of you are at all ready to live together. You can continue letting her know where you are and if she wants to restart the relationship she will do so. But honestly, sometimes we can't overcome something unless we are capable of letting it go. I would suggest working on accepting that the relationship is over, and moving on with your own healing, and building trust with people who are capable of trusting you.


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## jarjar banks (Dec 7, 2011)

Are you sober?


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

She's right, you can't make what you did right. But it sounds like she's trying to forgive you; it also sounds like she doesn't trust you yet.

Earn that trust. Earn that respect. They are earned, not given.

Trust is the bond of all human relationships.


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## DazedAndConfuzed (Apr 16, 2014)

jarjar banks said:


> Are you sober?


Yes, 17 months today. It was the abuse that scared me. I never had even raised my voice at her before. I never hit anyone. I saw what I had became and had enough


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Does she still live 1000 miles away from you? Congrats on 17 months of being clean. How often have the two of you actually been together since this all happened. You will need to earn her trust back and moving forward with your recovery and taking responsibility obviously are good steps. Talking on the phone daily will help to build a comfort level back but it will only get so far. Have you talked about meeting with her along with a counselor and trying to build the relationship back that way. 

Not sure how the 8 months fits in and her moving back in with you, is how long her internship is?


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## DazedAndConfuzed (Apr 16, 2014)

honcho said:


> Does she still live 1000 miles away from you? Congrats on 17 months of being clean. How often have the two of you actually been together since this all happened. You will need to earn her trust back and moving forward with your recovery and taking responsibility obviously are good steps. Talking on the phone daily will help to build a comfort level back but it will only get so far. Have you talked about meeting with her along with a counselor and trying to build the relationship back that way.
> 
> Not sure how the 8 months fits in and her moving back in with you, is how long her internship is?


Her internship is over in Jan. Now, it's now more like 1300 (I moved 300 miles north to MN, for my job) Marriage counseling is something that I said we MUST do, when she moves up here. She agreed. We have been together a hand full of times, since Oct 2012.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

The two of you have been separated a great deal of time, when did the communication, talking everyday start again really and have you felt it more like two friends chatting or husband and wife talking. 

While I can certainly understand her apprehension to telling you where she is living, she is 1300 miles away its not like you can just pop in for a visit. She has built a different life where she is right now. Try taking your emotional side out for a minute and what is your gut telling you? Saying she is going to move back in with you 8 months from now but she is uncomfortable telling you where she is living today 1300 miles away doesn’t seem to fit.


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## DazedAndConfuzed (Apr 16, 2014)

honcho said:


> The two of you have been separated a great deal of time, when did the communication, talking everyday start again really and have you felt it more like two friends chatting or husband and wife talking.
> 
> While I can certainly understand her apprehension to telling you where she is living, she is 1300 miles away its not like you can just pop in for a visit. She has built a different life where she is right now. Try taking your emotional side out for a minute and what is your gut telling you? Saying she is going to move back in with you 8 months from now but she is uncomfortable telling you where she is living today 1300 miles away doesn’t seem to fit.


We have been talking daily since she left in Mar 2013. In the beginning, it was more like friends. Lately, more like husband/wife. She recently got clean, as well. I can't seem to take emotions out of it. It depends on the day - sometimes, I'm okay with everything, other days, not so much. 

She had me blocked on fb until yesterday, actually. I asked her why she is now, a year later befriending me. The answer was, "I told u if I'm not pressed in to something I'm willing." 

It's these mixed signals that have me confused.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

If she recently got clean also that does change things a bit I believe. You would know much better than I but I think that once remove an addiction out of your life your views on life, who you are do change. Just as your aren’t the same person you were two years ago, she isn’t the same either. 

You are getting steps towards progress, they may be baby steps but its is forward movement. She may just need this time to not only get comfortable with you again but to rediscover herself without the full time burden so to speak of you and the marriage. 

You cant force her to do things faster and you know that. Your probably just going to have to play the waiting game, accept the small steps as they come for now. While it is mixed signals to a point, you don’t appear to have taken steps backwards.


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