# Heart is pounding...e-mail from OW!



## lostnturmoil (Feb 11, 2013)

I’m not sure what to do. My heart is pounding. 



Email from OW (She’s from another country);

I don't understand. 
It hurts me. I was another woman until I knew you better. 
I need to talk to you. 
Please give me your phone number. Or we could talk on Skype. There is nothing to hide. 
You've been betrayed once. How could I do it to you? 
You are a strong woman and great mother who'll fight to death for her kids. 
Actions are way louder than words. But enough disappointments in your life. I am not going to disappoint you in any way. Please give me your number. Or Skype name. I am honest. And not going to hide anything. 
You deserve the truth. You were honest with me always. 
You saved me when you said the truth about him. Otherwise I'd wait for him. 
I owe you! 


We’ve been in R for 9 months now. If you know my back story I did communicate with the OW immediately after finding out about the A. The communication between her and I lasted from June thru October of 2012. From what I found out the A was and EA with PA aspects (kissing/hugging). At this point in my life, I feel that any new piece of information would be the last straw for me and I would walk from the marriage. However, a part of me needs to know the whole, ugly truth. I am torn.

How do I respond, or do I? Please help!


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

I think you NEED to know.

The feeling sux because you already know it is going to be devastating news.

I'm sure she isn't waiting to tell you how much your H cherished and valued you.
Some people will say that you shouldn't listen to anything she says, and they may be right.

I think you have developed some kind of relationship with her and you know whatever she tells you will be rough but spot on.

I'd want to know. 
Do you already have an idea of what she wants to tell you?


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## eric415 (Feb 11, 2013)

I think there is one big question that only you could answer. If you choose not to speak with her, can you successfully continue on with the R with this resolved info/conversation out there. Would you always be wondering what else is there? What that knowledge that the A could have been worse destroy any trust you have? It's a dilemma. Personally I would need to know but I'm a person that needs to have all the info to make a decision. I too would be fearful that new info would expose more lies and that could end the R. I'm jaded though as I'm a person that could never trust again and I'm going through a D because of that (and many other reasons).


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## eric415 (Feb 11, 2013)

If you do talk to her, you need to record it to make sure you get he details right. If she tells you more details that indicate further deceit by your H, then you need to devise a way to see if these details are true. Don't tell him about this contact with the OW until you can figure out what is true or not. Be wary that she may tell you lies to break up the two of you. I don't know the situation though, just a thought.


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## lostnturmoil (Feb 11, 2013)

Thanks for the replies.

I do feel it will be devastating news. 

My husband and I renewed our vows this past December on our 16th anniversary. It was his idea. Before the renewal he arranged for us to go through pre-marriage counseling through our pastor. We had been in MC for awhile already and WS and the pastor thought it would be a good thing for us to experience the type of counseling couples receive before they married. It was beneficial. We stripped everything down and started from the basics. Two days before the renewal I felt nervous, like I was getting married for the first time again. I don’t know if I had cold feet or what but, a part of me didn’t want to do this. My husband calmed me down and we had a wonderful ceremony. The high from it all was like nothing I knew before. My husband was crying—never seen him so emotional before, not even at the passing of his parents. The emotional high lasted less than 24 hrs. My husband and I arrived home from work the next day and he asked to see me in the bedroom. He asked me to sit down, and I did. He proceeded to tell me everything I didn’t know about the A. He said he felt guilty and he wanted to be the husband I deserved. It wasn’t anything earth shattering to me, but it hurt to know how much time he spent with this woman and the things they did together. 

From that night forward is when I began to feel like the fool in all of this. My thoughts started turning toward leaving versus staying. The roller coaster of emotions is brutal. I hate it! I started to imagine life without him. It seemed okay. In the beginning of it all I couldn’t imagine the possibility, now I can. Sometimes I think that is what I want but, I am not sure. The good days outnumber the bad now. But, even on those good days, I feel flawed. 

I did develop some type of relationship with her. More like a big sister thing. It didn’t start out that way. I contacted her out of anger and looking for answers. She was contacting us constantly like some crazed, love struck teenager. She takes absolutely no responsibility for her part in the A and, she’s sees herself as a victim. She’s a bit younger than I—she saw my husband as the knight and shining armor, I helped her to see the reality of it all. She said that even though he wanted nothing to do with her, after I discovered the A; she was willing to wait for him forever. She believed my husband was/is her true love. I hesitate to reply back to OW because I know in my heart that whatever she has to say, if true, would be the last knife I could take into this marriage. There would be no recovering from it. I wouldn’t want to. 

I feel I’m before a threshold…should I walk through and see what waits or, do I close the door and continue my current course? 

My mind is made up—I will walk through and e-mail the OW.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I would also talk to her. I too am the kind of person who needs all of the facts.

When I found out about my husband's affairs I spoke to the OWs. Between talking to them and email/chats I found, that's how I got all the real info about the affairs. He told me very little that I did not find out from a different source.

From her email it sounds like she has more info to tell you. See if she has anything concrete to back up what she says.. emails, letters, photos, etc. 

I also agree with you recording the conversation. If you speak via cell phone, there are apps that will record conversations.


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

The OW sounds slightly unstable to me...willing to wait her whole life for your husband :scratchhead:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Carlchurchill said:


> The OW sounds slightly unstable to me...willing to wait her whole life for your husband :scratchhead:


She might be trying to mess with your mind and derail your recovery. Be careful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Your post of the Renewal of Vows struck me when you stated it was your husband that pushed for it, over compensating? 

Maybe I am wrong as I cannot read minds but when someone pushes something to try and show a deeper commitment it appears they are trying to cover up something and to make the other person feel okay with the situation.

Since you were the wronged person, this renewal ceremony should have been left up to you as to say that you were ready to move on and felt that he had now made the proper commitment to reestablish your relationship. Since he pushed it without you being fully vested in it, it rings false and probably because of your questions about the past is a Red Flag to you.

I understand where you are coming from, this push for renwal without allowing you to fully heal bothers you.

Hope you can get the answers you deserve.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

Some people are assuming that the OW will actually tell the truth and not fabricate anything. She may; she may not. She may have ulterior motives (likely, in fact). Something isn't right here. Something about her email makes me feel that you should actually avoid speaking with her and perhaps shut down communication altogether. You talked to her for months, and your H is trying to address everything and do what he can. You decided to give him another chance and the two of you are trying to get on with your lives. So why does she suddenly need to tell you something/talk to you? Wouldn't she have told you before in the months that the two of you talked? I would not trust her. Do not assume that she has your best interests at heart! Please be careful. I agree that the OW sounds unstable.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

soulpotato said:


> Some people are assuming that the OW will actually tell the truth and not fabricate anything. She may; she may not. She may have ulterior motives (likely, in fact). Something isn't right here. Something about her email makes me feel that you should actually avoid speaking with her and perhaps shut down communication altogether. You talked to her for months, and your H is trying to address everything and do what he can. You decided to give him another chance and the two of you are trying to get on with your lives. So why does she suddenly need to tell you something/talk to you? Wouldn't she have told you before in the months that the two of you talked? I would not trust her. Do not assume that she has your best interests at heart! Please be careful. I agree that the OW sounds unstable.


:iagree:

I would have to assume that this is the same "OW" who interfered in the marriage previously. Used the WS as a "Knight in Shining Armor". Then, as a generally accepted practice here, in order to R, there must be no contact with the OW.

I see nothing good in her wanting to make contact again, even with the BS and not the WS. I see her dividing the family (again), manipulating the emotions of the BS, and now using the BS as her new "knight in shining armor" to help her fix the hole in her life that was once the WS.

What could she possibly add, at this time, that would assist the marriage? Nothing. She is merely a trigger, wanting to insert herself into this marriage via the BS. I would give her nothing. Not a phone number. Not a skype address. Not a new email address. It would be counter productive to have her now communicating (controlling) with the BS in order to gain information on the marriage.

The A is over. She is in the past. Keep her there.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I wouldn't speak with her at all.

Nothing good will come of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

If your marriage is in recovery and you are happy with where you are, what good will knowing hurtful information do for you? I have been through the ringer hearing all about my X's exploits and frankly, it just caused consternation and pain, a lot did not help my recovery. 

There are details that are not going to help you at all, so what is the goal of knowing these details? Also, could it be the OW is lying to you to upset the recovery? 

Resolve that the OW is history, tell her to get OUT OF THE TRIANGLE and crawl under a rock with her shameful memories and run them over in her own head, and keep them out of yours.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Youcould talk to her and get all the facts. Or..........she may try to tell you things to make you dump him, tinking he will come running back to her.

Whichever course you take, beware of her motives.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Talk to her. Then devise a plan to confront your husband but more than that, devise a plan about what you are going to do after you confront your husband. You are strong enough to face this head on. You need to know everything there is to know. 

I too am in reconciliation with my wayward...most days I second guess that decision. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop and I'll be outta here.


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## lostnturmoil (Feb 11, 2013)

Since the initial email from OW, I’ve received two more begging me to talk to her. I haven’t responded to her. I know I said I made up my mind and I would….not so sure now. Whatever injects she throws at me, whether true or false, will cause some type of damage. My wheels are spinning. I feel as though I’m almost looking for that last straw to break the camel’s back. As though I’m trying to feed some need inside me to prove my WS hasn’t changed and will always be a lying, cheating ***** bag. I hate that this has already sucked so much energy from me. I hate that we always have to question. Always have to wonder. I have the overwhelming urge to walk up to WS and smack him upside his head followed up with a right knee to the gut….and maybe a spinning back fist or two. I feel angry now!!!


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

"She was contacting us constantly like some crazed, love struck teenager. She takes absolutely no responsibility for her part in the A and, she’s sees herself as a victim. "

A lover scorned... What version of the truth will she tell you? I would get the explanation, then confront your FWH with it. She probably will out right lie, or at least exaggerate and you're Husband can see her for who she truly is. It may make it less likely that he would ever contact her again if he knows that she'll lie to you to mess with your marriage.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

lostnturmoil said:


> Since the initial email from OW, I’ve received two more begging me to talk to her. I haven’t responded to her. I know I said I made up my mind and I would….not so sure now. Whatever injects she throws at me, whether true or false, will cause some type of damage. My wheels are spinning. I feel as though I’m almost looking for that last straw to break the camel’s back. As though I’m trying to feed some need inside me to prove my WS hasn’t changed and will always be a lying, cheating ***** bag. I hate that this has already sucked so much energy from me. I hate that we always have to question. Always have to wonder. I have the overwhelming urge to walk up to WS and smack him upside his head followed up with a right knee to the gut….and maybe a spinning back fist or two. I feel angry now!!!


Always remember, he put you in the position to begin with. You will always be left holding the bag. Email her bag and tell her to spill her guts for the very last time. You will know what it crap from truth. Than make your decision. But having both sides of the story is never a bad idea.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

lostnturmoil said:


> Since the initial email from OW, I’ve received two more begging me to talk to her. I haven’t responded to her. I know I said I made up my mind and I would….not so sure now. Whatever injects she throws at me, whether true or false, will cause some type of damage. My wheels are spinning. I feel as though I’m almost looking for that last straw to break the camel’s back. As though I’m trying to feed some need inside me to prove my WS hasn’t changed and will always be a lying, cheating ***** bag. I hate that this has already sucked so much energy from me. I hate that we always have to question. Always have to wonder. I have the overwhelming urge to walk up to WS and smack him upside his head followed up with a right knee to the gut….and maybe a spinning back fist or two. I feel angry now!!!


Why should you go the extra mile and "talk" to her? Why can't she simply email you whatever she has to say? In light of her past with you, she claims to see you as a "sister"? And you trust this?

She obviously has a motive to continue to insert herself in your marriage. Don't let her. If she has something to say, she can put it in writing in an email. Not verbal.

And yes, this contact with her is already weighing heavily on your R. Why allow her to further disrupt your life?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Tell your H she has contacted you and wants to tell you exactly what happened. See what his reaction is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Take the bull by the horns and stop holding hers. Look where she has you emotionally now...Scattered. There is not one darn thing more she can say to you that you don't already know after 4 months of contact. She is immature, needy and desperate. YOU ARE NOT. 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. That. She knows you recently renewed your vows. She feels rejected like crazy and is reacting like a crazy. SHE IS CRAZY. He knows that. Lock it down, Shut it off. Whatever she has to say from now on, MAKE SURE it's in black & white...EMAIL. She can email you for contact info, SO, she can tell you what she has to say the same way.

Take control of the situation. Do not respond. Let her keep writing. She will email what she has to say when her anxiety mounts and she continues to spiral. You have a CHOICE not to spiral with her.


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## GottaKnow (Jan 19, 2013)

lostnturmoil said:


> I’m not sure what to do. My heart is pounding.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I believe you need to know the truth. You need to get it all out on the table. Otherwise you will suspect it for the rest of your life. Whatever the truth is, it needs to be out so that you can completely recover. It's your decision but I strongly advise that you find out the whole truth. Otherwise he is not taking full responsibility for what he's done. And perhaps the full truth isnt what you think it is. Best of luck to you.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

soulpotato said:


> Some people are assuming that the OW will actually tell the truth and not fabricate anything. She may; she may not. She may have ulterior motives (likely, in fact). Something isn't right here. Something about her email makes me feel that you should actually avoid speaking with her and perhaps shut down communication altogether. You talked to her for months, and your H is trying to address everything and do what he can. You decided to give him another chance and the two of you are trying to get on with your lives. So why does she suddenly need to tell you something/talk to you? Wouldn't she have told you before in the months that the two of you talked? I would not trust her. Do not assume that she has your best interests at heart! Please be careful. I agree that the OW sounds unstable.


OR it could be that the OW was made certain promises. You know the kinds of promises that come up in an Affair. " I will leave my wife for you. I am going to divorce her I promise."
Then in her fog she never realized she was just a side hussel. I would also that an AP and WS are just as likely to be unstable after an Affair. So if you do go talk to her don't do it with your husband there. You will be able to tell really quick if the conversation is a "i am sorry and i wanted you to know everything" or " I did this and this with him and I am so much better for him, why don't you leave him." either way you get to see the kind of person you WH was willing to screw you over for.
I am glad you are on the R path but not one says that you can't back out. After all it is your choice.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

After all this time and R in full swing with a seemingly committed husband, I would think the motives here from the OW are very much in question.

Rather than getting the 'truth', you may well get more lies that influence how your R is going.

As others have said, ask for her to email what she wants to say. Then print it off, and work through with your husband. But please please please treat everything she says as possible lies, rather than defaulting to an 'it must be true' mindset.

Nothing good will come from engaging with her verbally


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Satya said:


> Be careful, she asks for your contact details several times. Make a throwaway skype account and never use it again if you intend to talk with her. You don't want even a semi permanent tether to this woman.


This is very important. Read it. Heed it.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I wouldn't make contact with her. How convenient her timing with the timing of your vows renewal. She's trying to claw her way back between you and in your relationship\life.

In a way, you spinning your wheels because of her (emotionally) you already are allowing her to interfere and manipulate and claw her way back in. Block her email address, change your email and online contacts and don't answer her. DO NOT allow her to push her way back in, it's what she wants.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> This is very important. Read it. Heed it.


Change your current email address, why are you available to this woman?

If the OM in my life ever contacts me again the response will be a swift and violent one. (of course I am not in R, we're divorcing)

Edit to add, if there are secrets on _either_ side than you are in false R. Your husband should already know about the emails.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The problem that I see is that the OW has now opened Pandora's box just enough to get your wondering.

If you do not talk to her, you will most likely go for the rest of your life thinking that there was something important that she finally has the guts to tell you. I could come up with a list of thing that it could be, but it's better to not add to what your imagination is probably already doing.

If you do talk to her she might just want to cry on your shoulder again and not have anything but nonsense that you really already know. You could stop her if that's the case. If it goes this way then resolve to not let it ruin all the progress you two have made so far. 

For example if she is just going to tell you more places that they hung out together then this is not material new information. So just put in in the same mental filing cabinet of the other info you already have.

The worst that can happen is that she brings up things about the affair being very different in nature then you have been lead to believe. If it were me, this is what i'd be wanting to know. Does she have concrete evidence of more? If she does do you want to know this? How will you process it? What's your plan?

Make a plan for how you will react if you contact her.


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