# Porn



## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ok so i need some advice if I should feel offended or not? last night my husband came up to be already hard we have sex and then he comes back down stairs said oh I was "just in the mood" I was like wow that differant well this morning I came down turn on the computer just to see he was watching this redtube porn crap? so he lies to me and basically acts like he was just in the mood for me. And also kinda bugs me that he is watching that to get excited to have sex with me


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

No wonder the divorce rate is so high, get over it guys watch porn don't take it personal. It's not like he's chatting with anyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Carron36 (Jun 2, 2010)

I doubt your husband was watching it in order to get excited so he'd be able to have sex with you. He was watching it, got excited and wanted you...he could have taken care of business himself. Don't be offended !


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Yeah could be what Carron36 said. It would bother me if my husband looked at pictures but videos don't really bug me. I watch them too sometimes :biggrinangelA: 

As long as he's not replacing you with porn and your sex life is healthy you' have nothing to worry about.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sunflower said:


> oh I was "just in the mood" I was like wow that differant


two problems magnified by this statement: one, he lied. two, him being in the mood was different, which i take to mean he doesnt usually come on to you, in other words, he's not in the mood often. 

lying is extremely painful. inherently you know that means there's a lack of love. that hurts. a lot. its threatening and can make you feel insecure. it also makes you wonder what else is being lied about, thereby adding to the insecurity. 

it also sounds like he doesnt make you feel wanted and desired in general. that's another big problem- also threatening and depressing. add to that that you now know he's meeting that need elsewhere and you've got a lot of hurt.

So, no, i dont think you're wrong in being offended. And i think its a lot more then just being offended.


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## Chet8625 (Jul 13, 2010)

I think Blanca is a little over the top on this one.

First, he didn't say WHY he was in the mood. So what if he looked at some porn and got horny. 

Second, Sunflower didn't say that there was anything that indicated a porn problem. Could be a one-time thing but even if it wasn't, he went to her for sex instead of taking care of things himself.

If Sunflower indicated any other problems (continual watching porn, lack of sex, etc...) maybe your comments would be spot on. I just think it is an over reaction to one incident.

If there's more to it than that, let Sunflower expand on it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Chet8625 said:


> Second, Sunflower didn't say that there was anything that indicated a porn problem. Could be a one-time thing but even if it wasn't, he went to her for sex instead of taking care of things himself.
> 
> If Sunflower indicated any other problems (continual watching porn, lack of sex, etc...) maybe your comments would be spot on. I just think it is an over reaction to one incident.


Very possible. Funny, though, because I actually never said it had anything to do with her H having a porn problem. In fact, i never mentioned porn at all. I said it had to do with lying, which her H has done before. I also said it had to do with her not feeling desired and him meeting that need elsewhere, which her H has also done before. this incident is only compounding infractions her H has already committed in the past (you may want to browse her other 800 'n something posts to catch up). never mentioned porn though. 

my post was to the OP because ive read many of the other 800 posts on here. there's a shaky foundation and this only compounded the problem. but, something tells me you have a porn problem. a little defensive arent we??


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## marga88 (Jun 17, 2010)

It's normal for guys to watch porn and get engage with sex. It's much better than chatting with someone and go out and make sex with them. Normally guys are just plainly visual, it's their basic instinct as to my point of view.


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## Chet8625 (Jul 13, 2010)

Blanca said:


> Very possible. Funny, though, because I actually never said it had anything to do with her H having a porn problem. In fact, i never mentioned porn at all. I said it had to do with lying, which her H has done before. I also said it had to do with her not feeling desired and him meeting that need elsewhere, which her H has also done before. this incident is only compounding infractions her H has already committed in the past (you may want to browse her other 800 'n something posts to catch up). never mentioned porn though.
> 
> my post was to the OP because ive read many of the other 800 posts on here. there's a shaky foundation and this only compounded the problem. but, something tells me you have a porn problem. a little defensive arent we??


Thank-you for the quick, remote diagnosis of my porn problem. The check for our session is in the mail.

Since I may be off since I did not read her other 840 posts, I'm just saying that what she posted here appeared to be a one-time thing. he said he was in the mood, didn't lie about WHY (just didn't explain it).

Guys watch porn, whether it is soft core in a movie on HBO or hardcore on redtube, and they get horny. They get aroused seeing a good looking woman in a bikini. As another poster said, men are very visually oriented.

If you read some of the other posts, you see guys taking care of themselves rather than going to their wife. This guy went to his wife. That has to count for something.

When I get a few hours I'll try to catch up on Sunflower's other posts to see if I can get more background.


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## Banff (Feb 8, 2010)

Just wanted to add a weird thing that just happened in my situation. I have looked at some internet porn and it was/is an issue with my wife. I have tried to cut it out all together but find I still look it up occasionally. My wife brought it up at our last counseling session and I was afraid it was going to be a big no no for me. And that I would get a lecture. The opposite happened. He assured me/us that is was actually the norm to look at porn sometimes. He said he also has found that it really helps couples spice up their sex lives. So he gave us three "better sex" type videos to watch. So far my wife won't watch.

There are two things I would say though. I had in the past used porn to meet my needs if I was getting the cold shoulder from my wife. This in turn allowed me to not be as concerned with her cold shoulder and see where it was coming from. So because my needs were being met with porn, I put less effort in our relationship. That was a huge mistake.

Secondly, if after giving porn a chance, you are still dead set against it, your husband should respect you and stop looking at it. Period. Simply out of respect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Banff said:


> Secondly, if after giving porn a chance, you are still dead set against it, your husband should respect you and stop looking at it. Period. Simply out of respect.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Too bad most men don't respect their wives views or wishes regarding porn.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Heavy porn use, especially a preference for porn over partner sex is almost always a symptom of problems in the relationship not a cause of them.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Chet8625 said:


> Thank-you for the quick, remote diagnosis of my porn problem. The check for our session is in the mail.


haha. np. Here's the core of my diagnosis if you'd like to look into improving your communication:

Manual for the Defensive Verbal Behavior Ratings Scale (Version 3.0)

"_Clues to determining self-deceptive speech acts include (modified from Shapiro, 1989, pp. 62-66, 142-143, 190): 

•	the use of persuasion when it is unwarranted or unsolicited (e.g., the speaker, believing that the listener is negatively evaluating him/her, tries to change the listener’s mind, even though the listener has given no indication of negative evaluation); *the speaker offers a description to prove something, to justify something, to deny something, or to explain something that was never in question from the listener.*"_ 

You tried to persuade me that i was "over the top" by citing evidence that sunflower's H didnt really have a porn problem, which was never in question by me in the first place. In your second post you have tried to convince me again that his porn use is no big deal- guys watch porn, that's how they're wired, at least he came to her. This is a cognitive strategy that uses self-deceptive talk to distort reality and dissolve a perceived threat to your self-concept. You should look into it, seriously. You're completely unaware that it is not me you're trying to convince.


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## NoBodyAskedMeBut (Jul 25, 2010)

Sunflower:

Does your husband hide the fact that he watches porn? If so, bring it up as a topic of discussion, open a dialogue so that you guys are able to have an honest discussion. Porn is taboo in some relationships. Honestly, I have gotten some great ideas from watching porn try this, ask him what turns him on, then get it on!! Have some fun but whatever you decide, please don't let this eat away at your sef esteem or the foundation of your marriage!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bella09 (Jul 5, 2010)

Sunflower-
I would say if it honestly hurts you when he watches it then try to explain that to him so he understands. If you're just not sure what to think, I'm with Carron36 on this, seriously be EXTREMELY GLAD that he came to you instead of finishing business up himself...that does mean that he does desire you. Sometimes just as women are, men will see porn and will get them more excited than they may usually because of the thrill (hiding it,watching things you guys may not do, etc.). I think the most important thing is that he did come to you and that says more than you know, he does desire you and you do turn him on, but think about how you would feel watching porn for a few minutes and how excited you might get...more so than he may be able to in a few minutes, I know this from experience. If my husband did that instead of finishing himself I probably wouldn't mind him watching because it would give us more opportunity to be intimate together. If you want to be the source of his excitement, find out what exactly he's looking at and dress up in some lingerie or a costume for him and walk in the room and you shouldn't have to say a word...he'll most likely come right to you...this definitely helps self-esteem, knowing that we can still turn our husbands on like this and its not just the w***** they watch in porn. Just some ideas that have worked for me, I wish you the best!


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I think I remember some of your earlier posts... isnt porn the least of your marital problems? I thought he had done something with a friend and you were trying to see if you were going to stay together and how awkward it was trying to maintain that friendship with the OW. Anyway... he came to you turned on from a porn clip... HE CAME TO YOU, be happy in that. That speaks volumes about how he thinks of you. If he didnt like you or felt spquashed by you he would have whacked off... but instead he came to you.

Sing it to the song "Here comes the Sun"... He came to you... little darling, he came to you... its alright...keep singing until you believe

Dont fret no more... its alright.


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