# She crushed me, I'm struggling



## Galaxy1 (Oct 8, 2012)

Hello,


This is the second thread I've posted on this site. The first one was about my frustrations with my wife and her possible infidelity and other issues. In that thread I explained how I wanted us to try counseling and work on things. She said no and asked me to move out. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...how-should-i-proceed-my-unhappy-marriage.html

Now, when faced with the choice to just try with me or not she completely thrust a dagger right into my heart and into our family with 2 small children. If you read the last thread, then you will see that I was not perfect but I did not deserve this.

A couple weeks ago she text me that she was going to a Halloween party with someone from work a girlfriend. I had a bad vibe about it as she has been acting very secretive and hiding things. Long story short, I was able to record a phone call between her and her best friend as she described while giggling and laughing how she didn't go to any Halloween party buy went to her " little friends" house and how yummy he was. It went on and on. She then gleefully talks about how she almost has me convinced to move out of our house. She is utterly happy at the thought of our family being torn to shreds and our kids who I am involved with heavily and extremely attached to dealing with the effects. This occurred this past Saturday and I heard the recording on Sunday while away. 

She did this while I lay in bed with our feverish 2yr old sleeping on my chest. I am seriously stuggling with this. This past week has been the hardest n my life. I have Cried more than my entire life. At work, I can't focus. I have to hide in a bathroom when I need to cry, I realize a man isn't supposed to do this. I felt my world crumbling around me and she has nothing but contempt from me. I asked her if we could try counseling and 2 days later she is banging some dude. She made her choice. But how could she? 

People say I will be happier I the end and I don't see it, I'm talking to a lawyer and preparing for the hardest time of my life. Not seeing my kids every day will kill me. I just do not see how I will function. And all of this right before the holidays. I don't know if I can do this.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Have you exposed her? If not go nuke on her. 

DO NOT leave the house. Keep a voice recorder on yourself incase she tries to get you arrested with false domestic violence claim.


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## Galaxy1 (Oct 8, 2012)

keko said:


> Have you exposed her? If not go nuke on her.
> 
> DO NOT leave the house. Keep a voice recorder on yourself incase she tries to get you arrested with false domestic violence claim.


The day I found out I got some advice to not say anything and document when she leaves the kids with you to go "play" so that I have more ammunition in a potential custody fight. So for the first few days I didn't even look at her. My eyes were always red from crying and I stopped eating and sleeping. I made and appointment for a therapist and explained the situation. I was holding it in. The therapist said to confront her but be careful. 

The other day when I got up she was in the kitchen and she gave me a dirty look and I just started going off, I told her I be her party was fun and that she disgusts me. She tried to act dumb and I just said don't bother with the lies when I know the truth. I said I finally know I was right about her all along, and that I hope she sleeps well at night. This started to get very heated and she got in the car and left. What's funny is that she doesn't know how I know. She just knows I know and as soon as that happened she just started pressing me to move out. She then threatened to move an hour away with the kids if I don't leave. I am seeking legal advice at this time. 

When she was faced with the ugly truth she just wants to escape the situation, I told her to hit the damn road but don't take the kids. I realize this is a horrible environment for my kids and it needs to be fixed. At the end of the day I will be having to deal with her on sharing them I guess but right now I can't even stand the sound of her voice.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Here is what you do:

Get some things that are her's, mainly her clothes, put them in a trash bag, dump it on your lawn, and tell her
"Here are some of your clothes. If you want to claim the rest, You may do it at 'such-and-such time' when I am home. If you don't claim them by this date, I will sell some, and burn what I can't sell."

Then, you change the locks. 
And call a lawyer, and file for divorce, and let her know "I am not going to be a plan B."
And you pull a 180. Which easiest way to describe this is zero communication. She calls you to say she is sorry? You don't answer. She texts you to ask if she can pick up her stuff, and ask how you are doing? You tell her "You know what time you can pick up your crap." And that's it. She leaves a voicemail asking how you are doing? Don't respond. She send you an email? She just got added to your spam filter. 

Now, while you may want to reconcile, there is a reason for this:
Women tend to fall in love with their affair partner. Then when they realize it won't be going anywhere, they are desperate. But you have to make them realize it won't be going anywhere. So you file and 180 her, and she'll either realize it, or she'll be to stupid to realize it, and then you'll be good to cut her off. 

So if she comes back and says "I want my plan B," you can either say "I'll be your plan B," or say "Well, hotel is that direction, and the divorce finishes Thrusday. See ya."

Just because they want to reconcile doesn't mean they deserve it. If you snap her out of the fog (chemical induced state of mind where WW do a lot of stupid things and can't realize what they are doing) she still needs to prove that: You are her FIRST choice, not her plan B, and that she will never do this again to you. 
Because until she does that, you will only be setting yourself up to get hurt again if you take her back.

EDIT:
And cut off her access to any joint accounts, credit cards, etc. 
You don't want her leaving you with a $100k credit card debt present.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

You're in a terrible spot; sorry about that.

I can only speak for myself, but I am 100% certain that if I was in your shoes, right now, I would never kiss, hug, sleep with or express affection towards her ever again. I would fully embrace that reality. Every thought I have going forward would be rooted in knowing that I can never be intimate with this person again

Sure, I would be sad, and sure, I might cry (in private), and sure, my heart would feel like someone is squeezing it 24/7, but just as sure as I am of those things, I'm also sure that her influence on my feelings will fade over time and I'll be ok.

The statement she made about her "little friend" would seal my heart; I'm not even sure if I would even utter another word to such a person. I would find someone to be the liaison for me to negotiate arrangements for shared custody.

There is not one shred of information about her you need to gather anymore; you know all you need to know.

T


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I remember, years ago, an advert in our local paper: it went something like this:

*Mr Augustine Purkiss of 33, Acacia Avenue, Little Snoring, hereby announces that of the date of publication of this notice he is no longer responsible for any debts incurred by his wife, Mairwen Purkiss, late of the above address.*


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Have you found out who the OM was? She seems to be bipolar!! So don't expect smooth sailing


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Keep snooping. Maybe you get info to use it to treaten exposure. Maybe you can manage to force OM to f0ck himself. You don't want him at your home, tucking your childrens right?

Just a piece of advice. Get a VAR now! Carry it with you every time. She sounds of the type to make up false alegations of violence.
Talk to a lawyer, a dad's friendly divorce lawyer, find your rights, file as soon as you can, *be sure she can't take the kids away of you*.

Your wife is not your wife anymore, she despise you, she's planning to get rid of you. Only I don't think she has sound advice.
Think about you and your childrens.

Embrace the 180, live it.
The 180 degree rules


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

So sorry. This is almost the exact same thing my wife did to me 6 months ago. You have to STAY in your house with your children. I was able to accomplish that by pulling myself together for a half hour and in a friendly, calm tone convince her that the house would just be too much responsibility for her and she would be freer to pursue what she wants if she got her own place. 

You know if such a tactic would work with your wife, but do whatever you can to get her out. Then change the locks. This is now her abandoning you and the children. I filed for divorce and do not have to pay her any child support for my daughter since she's with me here in the house which is her main residence.

My court hearing is this upcoming Wednesday, and she's calling crying and begging to come home, no dice. The 180 has worked for me, not that I want her back, once she moved in with the OM that ended it for good. What it did was help me to heal and look forward. 

It will hurt and take some getting used to having your children part time, but you might find out she won't want them that much, she's selfish. If you start having anxiety/panic attacks and can't sleep, get to a shrink and get some meds if you need to, you have to function for your children and stay on your game dealing with your wife.

This is absolute hell, but you WILL survive it. It will get better, please read up on the 180. You can be with a better woman who loves and respects you and marriage vows.


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## Galaxy1 (Oct 8, 2012)

michzz said:


> It will be more than difficult but keep your cool. Think about protecting your children.
> 
> Be strategic and tactical in your dealing with your cheating wife.
> 
> ...



I got home on Thursday after a 12 hour day at work and she as I sat down with my kids on the couch hugging them she stormed out of the bedroom and just said "they've been fed, they just need baths and be put to bed." and with that she left, I chased her out the door asking why she is doing this? That this is wrong, and whe she slammed the door on me I told her to have fun whorring around. My anger got the best of me. I have no idea what time she got home. The next morning we had it out again. I love how she tried to deny it but then she isn't quite sure how much I know. I did not tell her I have a recording. I have the recorder copy and a copy on my phone which can be shared via gmail. 

I have spoken to a few lawyers nd most say the best I could hope for was 50/50. Unless she's some kind of crackhead, criminal with a record they never give a father primary. But I do want the house, she not bringing that crap around my kids.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

File divorce.


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## Galaxy1 (Oct 8, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> You're in a terrible spot; sorry about that.
> 
> I can only speak for myself, but I am 100% certain that if I was in your shoes, right now, I would never kiss, hug, sleep with or express affection towards her ever again. I would fully embrace that reality. Every thought I have going forward would be rooted in knowing that I can never be intimate with this person again
> 
> ...


Yes, I have never been a cryer. I just don't cry even when sad about something usually. But this is different. I have cried to the point it hurts my face. I don't know what's wrong with me. I should be able to man up and deal with this. 

Whe she said her "little friend" thing she mentioned that he stood herr up twice before so this definitely wasn't a isolated thing, he could be one of many friends. It just kills me,


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## Bella80 (Oct 28, 2012)

What ever you do.. DON'T LEAVE! Act cool as hard as it is, believe me its hard.. but stay strong. Don't give her conversation.. go about your daily life.. if she starts acting crazy ignore her! Go to a lawyer and file for a divorce or better yet let her file.. make it hard for her with in the divorce. If you want to keep the kids and the house and want her out... let her file! Trust me.. she will go nuts and file herself since she cheating. Been in your shoes, just the other way around! I hate cheaters! Im really sorry you have to go thru this.. just forget about the pain and think with your head about every move you make.


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## Galaxy1 (Oct 8, 2012)

Thanks all for the fast replies. For the ones that have mentioned it yes I am carrying a recorder for the event she tries any false dv stuff. 

Also, no I have no idea who the OM is. The first couple days I was pouring over phone records and trying to find out but stopped due to exhaustion. At this point I don't think I even care who he is.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I think you should find who the OM is and expose him if he is married. I'm sure if you were his "wife" you would have want to know how much of a scum he was as well.


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## Galaxy1 (Oct 8, 2012)

keko said:


> I think you should find who the OM is and expose him if he is married. I'm sure if you were his "wife" you would have want to know how much of a scum he was as well.


I wish I could. But now she knows I know, so I'm sure she is going to be super careful. Plus, I found she has been using an instant messaging app on her phone so nothing shows up in phone records. And of course she will never tell me. Unless there is some other way to find out, but I'm trying to keep my focus on my kids right now.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

You could hire a PI.


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## Bella80 (Oct 28, 2012)

Ok.. if the car she drives is under your name.. you can put a GPS on it and follower her! Its your car so its legal lol Catch her right in the act  with all the tech on phones and internet you not gonna find nothing. You can connect the gps to your phone and watch everything from your phone! Its a beautiful thing lol


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Is GF/confidant married? If do, do you know her husband?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Galaxy1 said:


> I wish I could. But now she knows I know, so I'm sure she is going to be super careful. Plus, I found she has been using an instant messaging app on her phone so nothing shows up in phone records. And of course she will never tell me. Unless there is some other way to find out, but I'm trying to keep my focus on my kids right now.


Can a family member or a close friend follow her next time she goes out? An address would be enough to get names and other info on the guy.

You could even drop another voice recorder in the car, it might catch her talking and mentioning his name/address.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Is GF/confidant married? If do, do you know her husband?


If she is call him up asking for her and before he hands over the phone ask him to tell her "to get STD/HIV check up done", as if she's sleeping with you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He OM is married or else she wouldnt be sneaking around. Hire a PI to track her and get the goods on the OM.

Then expose him to his wife and post your wife and him bith to cheaterville.com.

Does your wife work? If not then cut her off financially, no cash, no credit. No gas money,


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## Galaxy1 (Oct 8, 2012)

Bella80 said:


> Ok.. if the car she drives is under your name.. you can put a GPS on it and follower her! Its your car so its legal lol Catch her right in the act  with all the tech on phones and internet you not gonna find nothing. You can connect the gps to your phone and watch everything from your phone! Its a beautiful thing lol


Could you link me to one that works? I might do this.


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## Galaxy1 (Oct 8, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> He OM is married or else she wouldnt be sneaking around. Hire a PI to track her and get the goods on the OM.
> 
> Then expose him to his wife and post your wife and him bith to cheaterville.com.
> 
> Does your wife work? If not then cut her off financially, no cash, no credit. No gas money,


She works like 2 days a week. Nothing really. When she went out the other night I immediately moved the money from our checking out so her debit card wouldn't work. But she didn't say anything so I guess he paid.


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## Bella80 (Oct 28, 2012)

Galaxy1 said:


> Could you link me to one that works? I might do this.


you can call your wireless phone provider.. all of them have this feature. They can guide you. You don't have to tell them anything of why you are doing it. The only thing is.. you need to take the car to a shop and get it installed which can take a few hours. Look around where you live if there are any auto body shops that sell them after you talk to your phone provider.. I think Verizon has them as well. I would not trust the internet to buy them... you want it installed so she dont know it there.. you know what it mean. I did this two years ago lol I also think now with verizon all you have to do is reg the car with them and not even install anything.. Im not sure but thats what I been hearing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I should be able to man up and deal with this.


Errrr... that's exactly what you are doing, in my opinion! :smthumbup:

Crying doesn't mean you aren't a man. It just means you are a man who can, sometimes, cry. But can still deal with WW,POSOM, children, a house and a job!


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

Bella80 said:


> Ok.. if the car she drives is under your name.. you can put a GPS on it and follower her! Its your car so its legal lol


You guys worry too much about whether something is legal or not. Put one on her car and nail her. Remove the device and nobody's the wiser.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Galaxy1 said:


> Yes, I have never been a cryer. I just don't cry even when sad about something usually. But this is different. I have cried to the point it hurts my face. I don't know what's wrong with me. I should be able to man up and deal with this.
> 
> Whe she said her "little friend" thing she mentioned that he stood herr up twice before so this definitely wasn't a isolated thing, he could be one of many friends. It just kills me,


The crying is tough to control, just do it in private and get it out of your system, it'll help later with your self esteem down the road if you keep a handle on it (men only). Also, you'll feel a persistent lump in your throat for a few weeks, its normal, it has something to do with your esophagus and makes it difficult to swallow food. Google it for info.

Whatever shes done with him, she's done, you can't turn back the clock.


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## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

It is going to hurt no matter what but Juicer,Tony55 and Maincourse99 are RIGHT! Listen to them, this is not the end, it just another road that you will travel in life. Life is just a series of test that you must pass, or live in the ditch. Your choice.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Read about the 180 and stick to it. You need it.

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Make a backup copy of your recording and other evidence and keep the copy safe away from the house.

Change your will and beneficaries in your life insurance, accounts, etc..


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Galaxy1 said:


> She works like 2 days a week. Nothing really. When she went out the other night I immediately moved the money from our checking out so her debit card wouldn't work. But she didn't say anything so I guess he paid.


This was a smart move, in my case I limited my wifes card to $20.00. 

Anyway keep working on making her behavior as inconvienent and as unfomfortable as possible. The more she gets a taste of reality the better chance you have to save your kids mother. The marriage may be over but the kids still need the mom so do this for them.

In your wifes mind she thinks and may even be told that she will get the house, thats why the next tactic is get to a lawyers and draw up the papers that leave her with nothing and get your lawyer to go for everything.

This tactic is just a tactic, again we all know it will be 50/50 but the documents must show her how strong the consequences are. Not only will she read how screwed she is ....but it will force her to find a lawyer to protect her.....again another taste of reality.

With you taking evrything and having her served she would be stupid not to respond. Just imagine if she didn't respond, by default you would get everything.



I understand you don't want this but you can't nice your way out of this, she need to face the reality and the sooner the better, so move ASAP to get her served.....you can always withdraw the divorce if she turns a corner and starts behaving likie a mother and a wife.


In short, cut her off, do not leave, find the OM, and have her served. Tactics that will make her little fantasy inconvienent and uncomfortable. 

even if she does leave thats even better....it bring her fantasy into real life and as she continues to couch hop and spends "real time with her "friend" the affair will lose its excitement and your wifes unhealthy choice will start to surface quicker. Hell let her take the kids, that should put a damper on her life style....She will being bring them back sooner then you think. 

If she leaves and takes the kids to family then great, they all know about the affir and come the night time you can go get them and bring them home were they belong.


My point is you have options, don't let her black mail you with the kids. Call her bluff and let her make a move.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This is the weakest mouments in our lives, the fact is this is when we need to be the strongest.

Its not what knocks us down that matters, it how we get back up that counts.

I should have taken a week off from work, it got labeled a flake and I'm still trying to shake the reputation.

I strongly suggest you take emergency family leave and work on protecting your self, and blow this affair out of the water.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Oh I'm so sorry galaxy...I was reading your other thread. Get yourself to a medical doctor for some medication to get you through this. The good news is that your children are young & will be fine. If they were teens, it would be a worse mess.

Is the cell phone in your name only? If so, shut her line off. People lived just fine w/o cells back in the day.

It is so hard to go through but she is no longer your wife, only the Mother of your children. Please do not show anger towards her that may affect your custody. The courts don't care about cheating but they do care about anger issues & other behaviors that are not good for children.

You cannot kick her out of the marital home. She may refuse to leave. You simply then co-parent together until you divorce if that is what you want. Let her keep her salary from her 2 day a week job which will pay for her gas to get to work. Give her no other money but keep paying the bills & buy food for the family.

Once you do the 180 and/or any of the above, she will probably go ballistic & bad-mouth you to the children. Do not take the bait, simply document or voice-record all of her rants & raves.

Do not let her take the children to any OM's homes or meeting places.

The OM is a STRANGER to your children & could be a sex-offender, drug addict, etc. You do not know. You would never allow your children to be in the company of strangers & that is who the OM is.

If she tries to take the children anywhere that you do not approve, do NOT get physical with her. Call the police. They won't really do anything because she is the Mother, but they may write up a "Domestic Disturbance" report which could scare her.

My Husband allowed his cheating wife to move him out of the marital home (I know beta) & the OM MOVED IN & PRETENDED TO LIKE HIS 2 young boys but then turned mean & abusive. Sadly the boys were 11 & 12 & all of this messed them up so much that they are still struggling today as young adults. 

They never got over that "Dad moved out" & "Mom cheated." Had Dad stayed (the better parent) & cheating Mom moved out, I am sure they would be better adjusted today.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Galaxy, you must show absolutely no mercy in this situation. Make her escapades very hard to pull off. If she has a credit card with you, cancel it. Give her no access to your funds. 

Also, suddenly have plans during the evenings that requires her to stay home. 

Serve her with papers and let the OM keep footing her bills.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

All these tactic are great in making the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible. At the end of the day if she wants to work it out your chick needs to define those 3 words.

So often we as waywards hear the words "work it out" but what does it mean to wayward spouses......is it work it out = go away so I can see whos better 

Or

I want my marrraige and am will to give up all my privacy , be transparent, and account for my were abouts. Go to IC and learn the tools to affair proof the marriage. Commit to NC and face exposure, and show the submission one needs to heal the betrayed.




So often we hear the wayward say "lets work it out" when it really means let me have space and when I'm done with my AP I'll call you.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I would go down to the court house and file for legal custody of your children ASAP! Don't leave the house. let her leave. If you do leave it will be abandonment! 

It is very hard to prove a mother unfit to raise children, unless the obvious is there!

Expose her affair to your family, her family. Tell her if she wants to leave then there is the door, but the kids stay with you.


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## Loveandpizza (Sep 8, 2012)

Galaxy1 said:


> I got home on Thursday after a 12 hour day at work and she as I sat down with my kids on the couch hugging them she stormed out of the bedroom and just said "they've been fed, they just need baths and be put to bed." and with that she left, I chased her out the door asking why she is doing this? That this is wrong, and whe she slammed the door on me I told her to have fun whorring around. My anger got the best of me. I have no idea what time she got home. The next morning we had it out again. I love how she tried to deny it but then she isn't quite sure how much I know. I did not tell her I have a recording. I have the recorder copy and a copy on my phone which can be shared via gmail.
> 
> I have spoken to a few lawyers nd most say the best I could hope for was 50/50. Unless she's some kind of crackhead, criminal with a record they never give a father primary. But I do want the house, she not bringing that crap around my kids.


That is male privilege. A woman can openly cheat on you and you still get screwed. You have to divorce. Protect yourself with voice activated recorders because as you know women get the benefit of the doubt under the law otherwise (and still probably will even in the face of the evidence). It is hard when you realize how sexist the law is, but I wish you luck and stay strong, and I hope you can do something to save your kids because the courts will probably do the opposite.


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

Revenge affair. Whether you did the deed or not in her mind you did have a full blown affair with your other woman, then told her and everyone else she was the crazy, unstable one. That got rug swept from what it sounds like by what you posted. This is the fallout. 

She is angry and hurt, still. Its easy to get caught up in perpetual revenge. She hurt you, you hurt her, on & on & on. This is the answer? Where does it stop?

So when you were involved with your other woman did she cut off your funds? She wasn't calculatingly cold about it. She was passionate, she freaked out emotionally because she cared. And you laughed at her. *sigh*

If you are hell bent on divorce this is the way to do it.


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