# No progress in intimacy



## wrk4marriage (Jul 9, 2015)

Hi there,
I'm new to these forums, so not sure what to expect. I hope to obtain some compassionate wisdom I guess.
When my wife and I met, she was an uninhibited woman with an insatiable sexual appetite and an eye for sexual adventure and exploration. 
We have only been married 5 years and that is all but gone. I have tried repeatedly to work on this with her, exploring and suggesting ways she can rediscover her sexuality, but to no avail. I have centered my efforts on her doing it for her own betterment, but she does not try any of my suggestions and despite years of trying with her, I am now considering looking for fulfillment (and excitement) elsewhere. 
The only thing that has really stopped me from acting outside our marriage is that I love her and our life too much and I would sacrifice anything for them (including my sexual happiness). 
Any guidance anyone could provide would be very much appreciated.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Does your wife find you attractive? 

How's the physique? Are you in shape, take care of yourself, work out?

How about her? Could she be feeling self conscious about herself?

Medical issues at play? How old is she? Maybe age related?

Can you give a little more incite on potential reasons you think are at play. 

Your post is very vague. Cheating is not the answer, it will only drive her further away.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

What is the state of the rest of your relationship? Do you fight, are you close friends, do you touch often outside the bedroom, do you share in activities together (ie. have fun?)? Often how close you are outside the bedroom affects how enthusiastic a woman will be inside. Does she still love you and treat you with respect? If not, why not?

Are there any medical issues on her side? Has she lost/gained weight? What are your ages? Any children?


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## wrk4marriage (Jul 9, 2015)

Thanks for responding and apologies for the vague post. Still difficult to unravel everything and also still learning the best way to present things on here.

My wife says she finds me attractive, but almost only when I ask her.
I am very much in shape. I am a soccer coach and soccer player and I also surf. She, on the other hand, is not in shape. She looks great tho and I tell her constantly. She probably wants to lose 5-10 pounds these days but even so, she looks fantastic.
No medical issues at play here. 

I think there are many issues here. While this has been going on since before we had kids, having kids has complicated things psychologically for her. She can't reconcile who she used to be in the bedroom with also being a mom. She struggles with the duality of the two. I also do think she has body image issues, but I try to make her feel comfortable with herself every day.

I know cheating is not the answer, mostly though because I think it would drive me away. I guess I'm just feeling desperate these days.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

wrk4marriage said:


> ......I have centered my efforts on her doing it for her own betterment, but she does not try any of my suggestions and despite years of trying with her, *I am now considering looking for fulfillment (and excitement) elsewhere*.
> 
> ....The only thing that has really stopped me from acting outside our marriage is that* I love her and our life too much and I would sacrifice anything for them (including my sexual happiness). *
> Any guidance anyone could provide would be very much appreciated.


Ultimately you have four choices. But to choose, you really need to know yourself.

First, you can cheat on your wife and hope that she never finds out. One of the biggest problems with this approach is that in a moment of weakness you will confess wanting forgiveness from her for your betrayal. Alternately, you become horified at your own actions and do things to expose your affair. Either way not a good outcome. If you take this option, my suggestion it for you to use a professional sex worker, as you are less likely to get romantically involved. If you want to take is slow, you can do a Bill Clinton and have your sex worker provide you with non-PIV sex so you can say if caught that "you didn't have "sex" with that woman." 

Second, you can tell her you have had enough and file for divorce, remain faithful until the divorce is finalized and then find someone to have sex with that wants to have sex with you. Much more honorable approach.

Third, what you seem to want, is to take a vow of chastity, abandon your sexuality at an early age and be a roommate to your wife. That really doesn't work as you will either at some point feel resentment and it will radiate in your attitude toward your wife and she will know it and start resenting you. 

Fourth, you can roll the dice and see if you can't fix your marriage and after you have tried your best and failed, file for divorce, but knowing you gave it your all.

I was in a Sex Starved Marriage to a woman I truly loved, but who actively disliked me, didn't want to have sex with me, and would humiliate me and emotionally hurt me after she would have sex with me. I choose option 4.

After reading Chapmans 5 Languages of Love, I understood how I had hurt her by not telling her I loved her in HER languages of love, and how she had hurt me by not tellling me she loved me in my languages of love and this had driven us appart over the years. I also read Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy and learned that I had been a Nice Guy and had tried to win her love by making all kinds of covert contract in my mind that she had no idea were in there. I also read MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage and figured out the "Get a Life" program that she and Glover recommended was something I needed to do. 

After loosing about 40 pounds, running some half marathons, doing some mountail climbing, I was in much better shape and started to dress better. I did a 180 and stopped pursuing her and begging for sex. 

I had sexually detatched from her and focused on my life and what brought me pleasure. I started to dress better and Women friends of my wife started to comment to her what a luck lady she was to have a hansome man like me at her side. 

I also started to give her unconditional love in her languages of love to make her feel special and cherished. 

Ultimately, she noticed the change and asked if she could read some of the relationship books I had been reading and rereading. I started her off iwth Chapman and MW Davis. She recognized where we had started to drift apart.

I told her I wanted to try to save the marriage, but that we needed the help of a sex therapist. She was hesitant, but finally agreed.

In therapy it came out that I had promised myself that I would be in a loving and sexual relationship with a woman by a certain future birthday, either through reconciliation or divorce from my wife. The Sex therapist used this to ask my wife what she really wanted for her future. The therapist pointed out the timeline and said that my wife had to choose and start changing how she treated me or that she would be soon divorced. My wife choose to end our sex starved marriage.

If your really love your wife and would give up your sexuality, I suggest option 4. If you choose that option get professional help from a sex therapist. 

Good luck to you


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Young at Heart said:


> My wife choose to end our sex starved marriage.


Just confused... did she end the marriage or resumed having sex with you?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Certainly nothing new here, I've experinced the same thing and so have 1000's of other men. Right about the time she thinks she has everything she wants in the marriage: your money, house, kids etc, it's time to cash in. She can easily do that my making the marriage unbearable to you, and the easiest way to do that is stop having sex with you. This usually pisses off the man so that he wants to leave after a few years even if he has to give up half of his monitary worth to his wife. Marriage isn't an honest relationship anymore, it's a way for women to get what they want.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

how old are the kids and did the decline in sex begin when the kids came or she got pregnant?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

wrk4marriage said:


> I have centered my efforts on her doing it for her own betterment, but she does not try any of my suggestions and despite years of trying with her.


Imagine if you would having your wife focus genuine effort in trying to encourage you to buy more fancy shoes for yourself for your own betterment, but you just stick with one worn out pair of your favorite shoes despite years of her working with you on this topic. 

Now ask yourself what your wife would have to actually do to get you interested in wearing nicer shoes, and you will begin to understand how you have been making her feel. Odds are you probably would enjoy some new shoes, particularly if they were related to really changing your daily routine such as aqua shoes for snorkeling. In this case a sudden desire to buy new shoes is NOT related to her trying to get you to want them, it would be from her being adventurous with you as a friend and doing something new and fun!

Just trying to get you to take a step in her shoes, that all!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Young at Heart said:


> If you take this option, my suggestion it for you to use a professional sex worker, as you are less likely to get romantically involved. If you want to take is slow, you can do a Bill Clinton and have your sex worker provide you with non-PIV sex so you can say if caught that "you didn't have "sex" with that woman."


I think the OP was looking for serious advice.... Not how to set up a plausible deniability defense. 

To OP: Sounds like motherhood is sucking her sex drive away. The weight gain, the screaming kids, all mood killers. Complimenting her and appreciating her may not be enough. You need to bring out her inner slvt. 

Suggest a night out, far enough where you need to get a hotel for an overnight. Find a babysitter for the kids (relatives so she's less likely to worry preferably). Take her out for a good time, fancy dinner, show the whole nine yards. When your tipsy and back at the hotel, surprise her with sexy lingerie. Make sure you close the deal with "A game" sex. 

You should be doing this at least once a month. If you continue to allow the lack of intimacy she'll start thinking of you as daddy rather than husband and no woman wants to sleep with their dad. Eventually she'll get her sex but it won't be from you. It'll be from some stud who won't represent a duality conflict because she'll compartmentalize the whole affair and you're left babysitting the kids at home while she's out banging him. Don't be that guy.


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## wrk4marriage (Jul 9, 2015)

To OP: Sounds like motherhood is sucking her sex drive away. The weight gain, the screaming kids, all mood killers. Complimenting her and appreciating her may not be enough. You need to bring out her inner slvt. 

Suggest a night out, far enough where you need to get a hotel for an overnight. Find a babysitter for the kids (relatives so she's less likely to worry preferably). Take her out for a good time, fancy dinner, show the whole nine yards. When your tipsy and back at the hotel, surprise her with sexy lingerie. Make sure you close the deal with "A game" sex. 
[/QUOTE]

Thank you for this. Our kids are 2 and 3, but this began before the kids were in the picture. 

I have actually tried your suggestion above many times. I have bought toys, taken her dancing, to festivals, dinners, tried some porn, erotica, dirty talk, public indiscretions, role play (she doesn't play well anymore), etc. It works for a one time, slightly inebriated night to a certain extent, but does not translate into prolonged progress. There is no trust in any process I suggest so there is no true commitment to it.

My focus is truly to get her to rediscover herself (that privately slvtty woman that used to have so much fun). I am not claiming to have a unique situation here, I am merely frustrated with how my efforts continuously fail and with the fact that it seems I am the only one putting effort into this. I really appreciate everyone who took the time to respond. Thank you and if you think of anything else, I am all ears (or eyes as it were).


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I'd try to keep plugging away OP..... Keeping the lust alive is a constant never ending process. You said she's partly responsive even if it's short term. You want to have these types of getaways once a month and at least one evening a week for "date night". Hopefully, there's a lasting affect down the road. Something to look forward too for the both of you and reminisce about.

Any chance her attention may be diverted elsewhere? Possible emotional affair or worse with a male friend. Do you see any red flags, however suddle, other than the lack of intimacy?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

dynamite intimacy usually doesn't start in the bedroom but in the kitchen or the living room or the yard or the kid's room or wherever you can engage in thoughtful, caring, loving acts that have nothing to do with sex but all to do with showing how you care for her and are thinking of her. These don't necessarily have to be romantic things though the romantic gesture (like the unexpected bouquet of flowers) never hurts. Do things she likes whether it is sitting through a rom-com and not making snide remarks or doing all the little fix-ups around the house she'd like to see done. Or whatever it is that is meaningful to your wife. Mine loves receiving long, slow foot massages. Do more for her outside the bedroom and she'll do more in the bedroom.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening

Is she on any medication, including birth control?

Was it a gradual decline, or a sudden change with kids? Do you think she still wants sex but is just to hassled and tired with kids, or do you think she has actually lost interest?

Any chance she saw sex just as a way to have kids, and now is done? (it doesn't sound like it).


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## JonJon96 (Jul 18, 2015)

I feel for you buddy,

My wife was incredibly sexual and an exciting partner to be with until we got married. We got pregnant our wedding night and she started to shift all her focus and sense of being towards motherhood. All intimacy dropped off in the first year of marriage and she began to use sex to control me. Any sex act was filled with resentment and guilt. This was in our fist few years of marriage in my mid-20's. I mistakingly gave her 7yrs of my life to this point and she refuses to make any progress on her issues. 

To help you with some of those suggestions, I have actually gone outside the marriage to get the emotional and physical intimacy I crave. Being rejected and denied love from our spouse does serious damage and we look for something to fill the void. My wife even gave me permission to go get my rocks off. When I finally did, she was very upset with me and she was hurt forever. MORE CONTROL! She is now facing the threat of divorce and she doesn't seem to be putting up much of a fight. 

Do something before you get stuck in a loveless destructive marriage. We got to the point where no intimacy would result in arguing and treating each other poorly. That will teach your kids how husbands and wives should treat one another. Do something before they become the victims of a marriage she took for granted. My wife has been extremely selfish and constantly makes demands but compromises on nothing. Get into counseling and let her know where you draw the line. Don't quit until you've done some counseling and seen her side of the problem. You might be surprised to find her actions are a result of something you do=possible solution.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Chris Taylor said:


> Just confused... did she end the marriage or resumed having sex with you?


She choose to start having sex with me, which saved our marriage.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

no great wisdom to offer-- as others have said yours is a very common scenario.

best practice seems to be to work on yourself, get in top shape physically and mentally.

once you've done that, either your wife will come around naturally or you will know it is not your problem.


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