# Wife's actions, a woman's perspective needed



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Okay ladies, 
Short backstory: Wife and I are now separated. We separated due to her becoming violent and then getting arrested for DV. She was given a restraining order and evicted from our house. She has no job so she quickly ran out of money. While at her hotel, she went to a local bar and met a guy. This guy let her move into his house and they are now in a sexual "committed" relationship. Needless to say, we are rapidly heading for D. 
From an academic point of view, I am asking what drives a woman to pick up a guy in a bar and then leave her relationship to live with him? Does that relationship have a chance of survival after going physical so quickly and them living together? Again, I am asking from a logical standpoint, not an emotional one. The behavior seems so bizarre to me that I know it is not normal. Thoughts?


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I'm more interested in why you're trying to figure out her behavior instead of focusing on what's going on with you and moving forward for your own benefit.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I'm guessing it was a mix of desperation and low self-esteem... Maybe she thought your relationship was irreparable. 

Either way.... you may never get to know. 

Focus on YOU, do what you can to get through this, get past this... 

Good Luck


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You can't fix her. But you can fix yourself.

Stay away from her and move on.


----------



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

No, it was b, mental instability. She has been diagnosed as having a mild form of bipolar disorder. I, of course, don't want to fix her issues nor can I. I am just looking at her actions from a logical standpoint and trying to understand what drives someone to do something like that. I guess trying to rationalize irrational behavior/things is a waste of time.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

you will never understand the actions of someone who is mentally unstable.
dont rack your brain over it.
take care of yourself.
do you have any children?


----------



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Yes, I have 3 daughters (13, 11, and 5). I have custody of them, she wants visitation at the OMs house over the weekend. I am totally against this as she does not fully know this man and I know nothing of him. VA law actually makes this scenario illegal.


----------



## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

She became violent as a result of her mental illness.

She met a man in a bar so that she had a place to live and someone to take care of her. He doesn't know her issues, but he will eventually.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Married in VA said:


> Yes, I have 3 daughters (13, 11, and 5). I have custody of them, she wants visitation at the OMs house over the weekend. I am totally against this as she does not fully know this man and I know nothing of him. VA law actually makes this scenario illegal.


they are your priority.
quit worrying about her or why she does what she does.
if you start thinking about her, stop and think of your children.


----------



## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Right now he probably gives her support and justification for her actions, and that's what she craves/needs. When he sees what she's truly capable of, and he gets tired of it, he will probably drop her pretty fast....I think at this point that you should focus on keeping your life on track and taking care of your girls so that they have some happiness and stability in their lives....I'm sorry that this is going on though...it's got to be heartbreaking and frustrating for you...Stay strong because in the end your daughters will know who was there for them and who tried their hardest...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Married in VA said:


> No, it was b, mental instability. She has been diagnosed as having a mild form of bipolar disorder. I, of course, don't want to fix her issues nor can I. I am just looking at her actions from a logical standpoint and trying to understand what drives someone to do something like that. I guess trying to rationalize irrational behavior/things is a waste of time.


You wife’s actions have more to do with her mental illness than they do with her being a woman. People who suffer from bipolar tend to gravitate toward risky behavior and situations.

Why did she pick this guy up and go home with him? Where was she going to go? She had no money. She got not get back into her home.

Did she have somewhere else she could? Are there friends or family who would help her?


----------



## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Hey,
I'm sorry for your problems. I feel for you and your kids, and for her as well.

I have depression, anxiety disorder, and ADD. My STILL stbxh (separated 2.5 years now..) has alcoholism and (depending on who you ask,) possibly narcissism. 

Some very nice people can have mental issues. Bi polar is one of the worst, because it is very common for BPs to convince themselves that they don't need their meds. This is a huge mistake. 

She certainly has made herself hard to forgive. Not that she's even asking to be forgiven. Unfortunately, you will likely find that you and your kids are better off if you cut your losses and split from her. It's sad, especially from my perspective, but I know that's the truth. 

What I want you to know is the BP and other mental illnesses are often genetic. It would not be a surprise if one or all of your children show some kind of symptoms later. So, while I am not saying that you need to try to "save" your wife from herself (she is an adult and must want to get better before she can..) I would strongly recommend that you find out as much about the disorders mom has and be very educated about what to do if/when your children need your support. I would also ask you to get yourself evaluated as well (it doesn't hurt to know. It is ignorance that screws us up..) Just so you know if you have any issues you need to deal with. You are essentially going to be the only parent they can count on, and you need to be hitting on all 8 cylinders. 

Tell Mom you will help her get help, but only if she removes 3rd wheel from the equation. Then it's in her court. You can't control or heal her. Live your life and be the best dad for your girls you can be. Strength and peace to you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> Hey,
> I'm sorry for your problems. I feel for you and your kids, and for her as well.
> 
> I have depression, anxiety disorder, and ADD. My STILL stbxh (separated 2.5 years now..) has alcoholism and (depending on who you ask,) possibly narcissism.
> ...


:iagree::iagree: very good post


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> they are your priority.
> quit worrying about her or why she does what she does.
> if you start thinking about her, stop and think of your children.


I think we are misunderstanding the OP. He is IMO not obsessing over his wife's behavior in a misguided attempt to get some answers.

I feel he is trying to find out whether he can trust her with their children.

To the OP; I feel you should not trust her to be responsible with your kids. If I were in your shoes I would push for monitored visitation unless (at a bare minimum) she was no longer violent and had her mental disorder under control.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

DTO said:


> I think we are misunderstanding the OP. He is IMO not obsessing over his wife's behavior in a misguided attempt to get some answers.





> I am asking what drives a woman to pick up a guy in a bar and then leave her relationship to live with him? Does that relationship have a chance of survival after going physical so quickly and them living together?


he wont find these answers.


----------



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Thank you all for your replies. DTO is correct, I am trying to assess her behavior for the purpose of how to proceed with visitation regarding our children. I am also trying to understand, from a logical perspective, what drives someone to commit the actions she has committed and how long I should expect her new relationship to last. I ask that because I don't want my children to bond to this person only to have him disappear from their lives quickly and thus confuse them. My court hearing for the protective order is tomorrow and I am trying to decide what to ask the judge for in terms of visitation for the benefit of protecting my children. My wife drinks and has either bipolar type 2 or borderline personality disorder (she has been diagnosed with both). Her relationship with me has been very unstable and her past relationships were the same way. I don't expect this relationship to last long once the honeymoon phase ends. That is my main concern for my children's sake.


----------

