# Questions for cheaters that are remorseful



## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

What were you thinking and feeling when you decided to go thru with the irreversible act pf cheating? 

What was it that initiated the feelings of remorse?

Why did you not realize at the time you decided to cheat that you would regret it? 

What were you thinking of what your children would think of you when you decided to cheat?

What were you thinking of what your parents would think of you when you decided to cheat?

What were you thinking of what your friends would think of you when you decided to cheat?

What were you thinking of what your spouse would think of you when you decided to cheat?

In your opinion, did you love your spouse when you cheated?

Were you able to save your marriage after cheating? 

If so, how were you able to save our marriage? 

What can spouses learn from your actions and decisions that would be helpful in avoiding being cheated on?

NO FLAMERS PLEASE. I am looking for an unemotional discussion to LEARN not VENT


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

The wife and I agree that I once had an emotional affair with another woman, so I'll use that as an example.


What were you thinking and feeling when you decided to go thru with the irreversible act pf cheating? 

That I needed someone that could relate to and talk to regarding parts of me that my wife does not understand.

What was it that initiated the feelings of remorse?

Coming to an understanding that what I was doing was hurting my wife. She asked me to stop the relationship and I did not want to even though it was hurting her. This freaked me out and helped me see what was happening. 

Why did you not realize at the time you decided to cheat that you would regret it? 

I did not hide this relationship from my wife, and initially she trusted me to continue a "friendship" with this other woman even though my wife was skeptical of the context and intent.

What were you thinking of what your children would think of you when you decided to cheat?

did not cross my mind

What were you thinking of what your parents would think of you when you decided to cheat?

did not cross my mind

What were you thinking of what your friends would think of you when you decided to cheat?

Of my wife's friends that agreed that the relationship was an emotional affair and that I needed to stop, I felt like they did not understand or care about me.

What were you thinking of what your spouse would think of you when you decided to cheat?

I did not have to consider this, because I did not hide it and knew very well exactly what she thought the whole time.

In your opinion, did you love your spouse when you cheated?

Yes

Were you able to save your marriage after cheating? 

Yes

If so, how were you able to save our marriage? 

By not hiding anything in the first place, and listening to my wife even though I did not agree with her at the time that I was having an emotional affair.

What can spouses learn from your actions and decisions that would be helpful in avoiding being cheated on?

Be honest and vulnerable when you are hurting with those you love. Even if you feel they are trying to hurt you even more, sometimes it is just love that is hard to recognize.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I'll answer on behalf of my ex...



thread the needle said:


> What were you thinking and feeling when you decided to go thru with the irreversible act pf cheating?
> 
> That I was horny, I have no morals and I lost attraction for my spouse.
> 
> ...


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

What were you thinking and feeling when you decided to go thru with the irreversible act pf cheating? 

that I deserved something and that I could handle it. 

What was it that initiated the feelings of remorse?

I think it started with the fact that I realized my AP was no where near the man my husband was. and that I was throwing my life away for nothing. and that although he didn't show me he loved me the way I wanted him to, he did it his way, and that is enough... it was ME that was screwed up. 

Why did you not realize at the time you decided to cheat that you would regret it? 

I did not think that far ahead. cheating is a very impulsive decision, and in order to do it, you have to compartmentalize - put your feelings and things important to you elsewhere. 

What were you thinking of what your children would think of you when you decided to cheat?

What were you thinking of what your parents would think of you when you decided to cheat?

What were you thinking of what your friends would think of you when you decided to cheat?

What were you thinking of what your spouse would think of you when you decided to cheat?

didn't really think of these things, see above answer. 

In your opinion, did you love your spouse when you cheated?

I wasn't loving anyone. Least of all myself. 

Were you able to save your marriage after cheating? 

so far.. but his 2 RA have complicated the recovery very much. 
If so, how were you able to save our marriage? 
by looking at all the good things we had before the wheels fell off the bus - our friendship, many years together, history, 4 kids, financial intertwinging... lots of things. but most of all we realized we were both in pain and we are good ppl who lost our way, for 4 months. do we throw 30 years away for that? 

What can spouses learn from your actions and decisions that would be helpful in avoiding being cheated on?

I'm not sure this should be the focus. the onus for cheating is on the cheater. not sure you can control if someone cheats on you. 

NO FLAMERS PLEASE. I am looking for an unemotional discussion to LEARN not VENT


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

I have not cheated on my wife. BUT, I have had 6 relationships with married women while I was single. Would my answers count??

Sent from Above


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Apexmale said:


> I have not cheated on my wife. BUT, I have had 6 relationships with married women while I was single. Would my answers count??


If you are remorseful sure


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

thread the needle said:


> If you are remorseful sure


Not at all, sorry. I learned too much from those relationships to regret them. Ofcourse, I didn't learn to be better at it but I absolutely learned how to protect my own marriage and I learned a lot about the not so obvious signs.

Sent from Above


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

Apexmale said:


> Not at all, sorry. I learned too much from those relationships to regret them. Ofcourse, I didn't learn to be better at it but I absolutely learned how to protect my own marriage and I learned a lot about the not so obvious signs.
> 
> Sent from Above


Please elaborate. I think it would be great knowledge to share.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

KJ_Simmons said:


> Please elaborate. I think it would be great knowledge to share.


It may seem strange that a single man who is clearly dishonest, disloyal, and has no interest in marriage would have any appeal to a woman. But through all of history and in every culture, this type has had a fatal effect. What this man offers is what society normally does not allow women to have: an affair of pure pleasure, an exciting brush with danger. A woman in our society is often deeply oppressed by the role she is expected to play. She is suppose to be the tender, civilizing force in society, and she is suppose to want commitment and lifelong loyalty. Often her marriage and relationships don’t give her romance and devotion but give her routine and an endlessly busy husband/boyfriend. It remains a female fantasy to meet a man who gives totally of himself, who makes her feel like he lives for her, even if only for awhile. By participating, I would create a sense of risk and darkness, suggesting that she is participating in something rare and thrilling. I’d give that married woman a chance to play out her own inner desires where her husband and society had prohibited it. Theoretically, I was suppose to be someone to avoid, but in fact what I offered made it difficult to resist.

Sent from Above


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Apexmale said:


> Not at all, sorry. I learned too much from those relationships to regret them. Ofcourse, I didn't learn to be better at it but I absolutely learned how to protect my own marriage and I learned a lot about the not so obvious signs.
> 
> Sent from Above


C'mon, share your knowledge with us. What are those not-so-obvious signs so we (especially men) can watch out for them?


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

Zanne said:


> This ^^^ is nonsense. It may be the fantasy of the poster and perhaps a few witless women. I can't believe anyone else would fall for this rubbish. It reads like a trashy romance novel.


This perception is exactly why it worked everytime. 


This "other man" that you were involved with during your marriage, didn't he provide what your husband did not? 

Sent from Above


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Good to hear from you @Zanne. Will you be updating your thread anytime soon ?


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

.


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## rafaelandy (May 8, 2013)

this is what WW said -

What were you thinking and feeling when you decided to go thru with the irreversible act pf cheating?

- "...i thought only about myself and what i wanted, i deserved to be happy...i was so depressed and desperate, i felt i already tried everything else to make myself feel better and there's no other choice for me..."

What was it that initiated the feelings of remorse?

- "...i realized losing you and destroying my family wasn't worth the pleasure of having affairs...i threw away everything for very shallow reasons...if only i could go back in time and fix things..."

Why did you not realize at the time you decided to cheat that you would regret it?

- "...i was drunk with the excitement and false happiness that i didn't give it much thought, i mean i did think about the wrongness and possible consequences before i decided to have sex with him, but it did not really register in my mind. my selfishness overwhelmed me. i felt that it was a different me during that time. and i thought i would never be caught..."

What were you thinking of what your children would think of you when you decided to cheat?

- "...i did not put much weight to this because i thought that it's normal nowadays to have broken families, and a lot children of broken homes grow up normal..."

What were you thinking of what your parents would think of you when you decided to cheat?

What were you thinking of what your friends would think of you when you decided to cheat?

- "...i got involved with the company of divorced and cheating collegues. it was the "in" thing in our company. it was a "cool" thing to do in our group. in fact, the more attention i got from other men, the more praise i got from my friends during that time..."

What were you thinking of what your spouse would think of you when you decided to cheat?

- "...i didn't care what you will think of me then. i was mad at you. for me, you were the one who pushed me into this. if you only showed me you cared, i wouldn't have been in that situation..."

In your opinion, did you love your spouse when you cheated?

- "...love was the farthest thing in my mind during that time. i felt was at my best and happiest whenever i was with rafael. i felt i was a different person, i'm the most beautiful and funniest girl. when i get back home, i felt empty and tired. i felt anger and anomosity towards you during my affair. with rafael, i felt super sexy and attractive whenever we had sex. i never felt that way before..."

Were you able to save your marriage after cheating?

** WW wasn't able to save our marriage...

If so, how were you able to save our marriage?

What can spouses learn from your actions and decisions that would be helpful in avoiding being cheated on?

NO FLAMERS PLEASE. I am looking for an unemotional discussion to LEARN not VENT 


i hope this can be of help to anyone seeking answers...


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

What were you thinking and feeling when you decided to go thru with the irreversible act of cheating? 

I was very hurt and angry. After months of getting tongue lashings I didn't understand, I was done. I dreaded going home every day. I had already demanded a divorce. 

What was it that initiated the feelings of remorse?

When I realized that I had done something I couldn't ever take back. 

Why did you not realize at the time you decided to cheat that you would regret it? 

I figured my marriage was done. I didn't think it (an affair) would hurt (me). It did. I suppose they call that a "conscience." 

What were you thinking of what your children would think of you when you decided to cheat?

I don't have children.

What were you thinking of what your parents would think of you when you decided to cheat?

I stopped caring what they thought about me many years ago. I also did not think they would ever find out.

What were you thinking of what your friends would think of you when you decided to cheat?

I didn't think they would ever find out. I will say this, when they did they were extremely supportive. I was truly sorry for my actions. I think they knew that. 

What were you thinking of what your spouse would think of you when you decided to cheat?

I honestly didn't care at that moment. Also didn't think she would find out. 

In your opinion, did you love your spouse when you cheated?

Not even remotely. 

Were you able to save your marriage after cheating? 

Yes. Incredibly.

If so, how were you able to save our marriage? 

I agreed to go to marriage counselling. We made a significant, fundamental change in the way we approached our relationship. 

What can spouses learn from your actions and decisions that would be helpful in avoiding being cheated on?

Communication is essential for a good marriage. I believe our biggest problem was that we didn't know how to communicate. I think people believe that having an affair will make them feel better. It does, for about 5 seconds. It's not worth it in the long run. Not only does it impact your SO and others around you, it changes you as well. Living your life on a foundation of lies won't work.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

thread the needle said:


> What can spouses learn from your actions and decisions that would be helpful in avoiding *being cheated on*?


It is not up to our partner to bend over backwards in order to try ad prevent *us* from having an affair. We are each responsible for our own behavior and our own decisions. 

Statistically, over half of the _men_ who have affairs say that they were "happy" to "_very_ happy" in their marriages. They had enough money, they had enough sex and overall they thought of their wives as great/wonderful/terrific/awesome and the like. 

Yet they _still _had affairs. 

That's because having an affair has nothing to do with our spouse, and EVERYTHING to do with the person who has the affair. 

It is up to each individual to exercise self-control; to know themselves well enough so they don't put themselves in situations that may give rise to temptation. This takes _maturity_ which seems to be what many adults lack these days.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

OW1
What were you thinking and feeling when you decided to go thru with the irreversible act of cheating? 
I was 6,000 miles away from home and met someone I worked with during a 15 day event. She was everything my W is not: tall, blond, and buxom. It culminated in a ONS the last night. I was horny and she was offering, I was thinking no one would ever find out so why not. 

What was it that initiated the feelings of remorse?
I felt guilty right away, and the next day when I talked to my W I felt really bad. Later I confessed. 

Why did you not realize at the time you decided to cheat that you would regret it?
I never thought I would regret it, but regret was not the first concern: letting a hot lady who is offering it up get away was my first concern 

What were you thinking of what your children would think of you when you decided to cheat?
Never thought about this

What were you thinking of what your parents would think of you when you decided to cheat?
Never thought about this, but granted I didn't think about my parents with any girl I was with (pre-marriage), and even after the first few months of being intimate with my future W, I didn't tell my parents 


What were you thinking of what your friends would think of you when you decided to cheat?
Never thought about friends, but a couple of my colleagues saw me dancing with the OW

What were you thinking of what your spouse would think of you when you decided to cheat?
I thought she would be disappointed, and jealous

In your opinion, did you love your spouse when you cheated?
Yes, will always love her

Were you able to save your marriage after cheating?
She didn't know until years later, but suspected from another time I was away. 

If so, how were you able to save our marriage?
Found out W had been cheating many years later, and used the opportunity for honesty to fully come clean about my affairs. We were able to start a new phase of our marriage with total honesty and transparency 

What can spouses learn from your actions and decisions that would be helpful in avoiding being cheated on?
Tell your spouse how you are feeling, even if you know they won't like it. Honesty carries a lot of weight in my book.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Apexmale said:


> I have not cheated on my wife. BUT, I have had 6 relationships with married women while I was single. Would my answers count??


 This is a very sad state of our world. It's also why there is so little trust anymore...because we KNOW this goes on... it's very rare to find someone honest & faithful, that we can trust with our whole hearts. 

I can appreciate a post like Bad Santa's due to his openness... but still how it can take one down, where it was never intended.. ...being truthful with our spouse.. and to ourselves, hard as it may be has a way of making us "accountable" ...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

We rugswept my wife's affair.

So in order to make myself feel better I started drinking heavily.

Through a hobby group I re-met a mutual friend of ours, we got talking, found a mutual interest in Star Trek, especially Voyager, which my wife hated, so that was the start of a slippery slope.

She listened to me, which my my really didn't do.

It's a supreme irony but I wanted to be with someone who had not cheated on me.

Unfortunately the OW also had a lot of issues (I never asked) which she was hiding from in the bottom of a glass, so we were a ticking bomb. 

We got together one night, we were about to have completely unprotected sex when I saw a vision of my wife and I realised what I was risking.

The fog was blasted away in an instant.

So, no sex and I confessed to my wife as soon as possible.

And I went no contact. Even before I had heard of that as an idea.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This is a very sad state of our world. It's also why there is so little trust anymore...because we KNOW this goes on... it's very rare to find someone honest & faithful, that we can trust with our whole hearts.
> 
> I can appreciate a post like Bad Santa's due to his openness... but still how it can take one down, where it was never intended.. ...being truthful with our spouse.. and to ourselves, hard as it may be has a way of making us "accountable" ...


Our world still has honesty and faithfullness. People can just be broken down, no matter how much of both those characteristics a person possesses.



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