# Flirt or friendly?



## Sami72 (Mar 17, 2014)

Ok I'm new so I'll get to the point. 
I see a woman at the school when collecting my children recently she started talking to me, and on the last two occasions she has touched me, first time on forearm second lower down near my hand? Is this just a friendly thing or is it flirting? She does stand quite close, and always smiles or waves when she sees me? Just want some idea as to what you guys think? Thanks


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

What's the answer you want to hear?

No really, if we say she's flirting, then what? It's an ego boost? You start to wonder whether more could happen? What are you going for here? If you care about your own marriage and maintain your own boundaries, it won't matter what her intentions are.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

John Lee said:


> *What's the answer you want to hear?
> 
> No really, if we say she's flirting, then what?* It's an ego boost? You start to wonder whether more could happen? What are you going for here? If you care about your own marriage and maintain your own boundaries, it won't matter what her intentions are.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Flirt. Some people are touchy/feely, but I'll stick with that for now. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

John Lee said:


> What's the answer you want to hear?
> 
> No really, if we say she's flirting, then what? It's an ego boost? You start to wonder whether more could happen? What are you going for here? If you care about your own marriage and maintain your own boundaries, it won't matter what her intentions are.


How do you know either person is married? He avoided mention of that, and people can be parents without being married. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sami72 (Mar 17, 2014)

I'm just curious as to people's thoughts, I know people out there married or not would have a similar situation! Maybe it is an ego boost nothing wrong in that, maybe if she is flirting it's just a boost for her too.. I'm not after a particular answer for any reason other than curiosity, like I said I'm sure it's a question many ppl have asked in the past.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

PBear said:


> How do you know either person is married? He avoided mention of that, and people can be parents without being married.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:
OP can you give us more details please on your status and hers also.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sami72 said:


> I'm just curious as to people's thoughts, I know people out there married or not would have a similar situation!


So is she married or not? Are you? 

You're posting on a marriage forum so I am assuming one of you guys is married (or both). Is she the teacher?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Continued flirting with someone you're in daily contact with is a dangerous thing, if you're not single. Perhaps you should ask your SO her opinion, if you have one?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sami72 (Mar 17, 2014)

Yes we are both married, for a long time in fact. Like I said it's not too look for permission or justification in taking it further, just as to what it may be? As I've already said perhaps it is an ego boost or perhaps she is just naturally friendly?


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## Sami72 (Mar 17, 2014)

PBear said:


> Continued flirting with someone you're in daily contact with is a dangerous thing, if you're not single. Perhaps you should ask your SO her opinion, if you have one?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I haven't flirted back merely engaged in conversation, so don't understand where the danger is?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Even if she is flirting, then what? 

Pbear is right. Tread carefully.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sami72 said:


> I haven't flirted back merely engaged in conversation, so don't understand where the danger is?


Because this is how affairs can start.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sami72 said:


> Yes we are both married, for a long time in fact. Like I said it's not too look for permission or justification in taking it further, just as to what it may be? As I've already said perhaps it is an ego boost or perhaps she is just naturally friendly?


It's good if women still hit on you especially if your wife sees it.
Just don't act on it and be another pos.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Sami could be a laydeee.

But assuming a woman to man scenario she could just be a friendly person.

Or she could be doing the female equivalent of PUA, by touching you she is 'escalating'.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Some people are just touchy/feely. I think she is quite bold to do this, but I don't think it is a big deal at this point. Just smile back at her. 

Does she do this to others as well?


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Sami72- How do you interpret her touch? It seems that since you're here asking this question...it may have crossed a boundary. If you really want to be honoring of your wife/marriage, I would suggest telling your wife about this woman and her "friendliness"... and discuss ways to make any interaction appropriate. 

If this is kept "secret" it tends to give it life and feeds on the energy that you "may" be receiving from her....

Since this is small....nip it in the bud...keep it small...just be aware and don't let yourself fall asleep...

Just my two cents.


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## Sami72 (Mar 17, 2014)

I Notice The Details said:


> Some people are just touchy/feely. I think she is quite bold to do this, but I don't think it is a big deal at this point. Just smile back at her.
> 
> Does she do this to others as well?


Can't say I've noticed that she has,


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## Sami72 (Mar 17, 2014)

cons said:


> Sami72- How do you interpret her touch? It seems that since you're here asking this question...it may have crossed a boundary. If you really want to be honoring of your wife/marriage, I would suggest telling your wife about this woman and her "friendliness"... and discuss ways to make any interaction appropriate.
> 
> If this is kept "secret" it tends to give it life and feeds on the energy that you "may" be receiving from her....
> 
> ...


I've not interpreted her touch in anyway, hence the question, it just seems to me that because someone asks a question everyone gets the wrong impression! Yes I'm married and like most have had problems, doesn't mean I'm ready to jump into bed with any woman that shows an interest. It could be harmless, it could be flirting, doesn't mean I will act on it, i talk to her if she approaches me or say hello if she waves, nothing more, no intent on my side.


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## Sami72 (Mar 17, 2014)

If this is kept "secret" it tends to give it life and feeds on the energy that you "may" be receiving from her....

Difficult to keep it "secret" as you put it in a school full of parents a lot of which no me and my wife!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

The fact that you even WANT to know if she's flirting is a red flag. Personally, I would be ticked if some guy (I'm a woman) kept touching me every time I went to pick my kid up.

I smell trouble brewin'... 

Fake like you're talking on your cellphone so you don't have to talk to her. Shuts them down every time. Say, "I love you" at the end of your "conversation." She will think you are talking to your WIFE and feel like an idiot.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sami72 said:


> I've not interpreted her touch in anyway, hence the question, it just seems to me that because someone asks a question everyone gets the wrong impression!


Well here's the thing. Normally the only time someone asks if someone was flirting with them on these boards, (marriage boards) is because something is up. For instance, someone may get flirted with and KNOW they are getting flirted with by someone else and it's a non-issue that doesn't even get mentioned because the recipient of the supposed flirt does not "care" or feels no attraction. I find that it's usually when someone is curious/has an attraction that they ask about if THAT particular person was flirting with them.

Just saying.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Hold on Sami- 

I wasn't impyling at all that you wanted sleep with her or anything...I was just saying, as a married person, there are boundaries that are in place when interacting with members of the opposite sex.

You asked us what our interpretation was off your description... we don't know this woman, or you, so it is difficult to give you a response that would be appropriate...our responses can only be based on our values and experiences.

My husband and I have articulated how we would like to conduct ourselves when interacting with members of the opposite sex. In the past we have come into contact with people from the whole spectrum of respectful to down right flirtatious...

That is why I said to mention this to your wife. IT lends itself to some good communication.


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## Sami72 (Mar 17, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> The fact that you even WANT to know if she's flirting is a red flag. Personally, I would be ticked if some guy (I'm a woman) kept touching me every time I went to pick my kid up.
> 
> Why is it no one can ask a genuine question without ppl thinking they obviously want it to go somewhere? Im sure there are a lot of married people men and women would be flattered if someone flirted with them? I'm not the only person who's been in this situation, and won't be the last. They don't "keep" touching me it's happened on a few occasions when we've talked, it's not like it's everyday?


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## Sami72 (Mar 17, 2014)

It is surprising how quick people are to judge others for asking a question! Whilst it may be ok to tell your OH that someone was flirting with you, it some instances it can cause more problems, if the OH is jealous or there are trust issues. If like someone mentioned you can only base this on your own experiences or feelings then everyone isn't the same, I'm sure not everyone has a perfect marriage, would you tell your partner that some guy/ girl checked you out in the street? Or if you saw an attractive person of the opposite sex would you tell them? It was a sensible question based on an experience I've had.


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## Sami72 (Mar 17, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Well here's the thing. Normally the only time someone asks if someone was flirting with them on these boards, (marriage boards) is because something is up. For instance, someone may get flirted with and KNOW they are getting flirted with by someone else and it's a non-issue that doesn't even get mentioned because the recipient of the supposed flirt does not "care" or feels no attraction. I find that it's usually when someone is curious/has an attraction that they ask about if THAT particular person was flirting with them.
> 
> Just saying
> 
> Of course the two words of note here are "Normally" and "usually" surely in everything there are exceptions to the rule?


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

I put secret in parentheses because it is referring to your internalization of this interaction. You have this question on whether her touch is flirty or just friendly? Keeping this question to yourself is the secret. Asking anonymously on a marriage board doesn't make sense as this question should be more appropriately given to your wife and let her (and you) decide whether it could be flirty or just friendly.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Sami, YOU asked our opinions. We gave them to you. Now, you apparently don't like what you're hearing from the overwhelming majority of us. If you don't REALLY want to know what we think, why ask?

No one is "judging you." We are giving you our opinions to a question you posed.

I said "I smell trouble brewin'" -- not to judge you, but to warn you. Play with fire and you get burned.


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## Sami72 (Mar 17, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Sami, YOU asked our opinions. We gave them to you. Now, you apparently don't like what you're hearing from the overwhelming majority of us. If you don't REALLY want to know what we think, why ask?
> 
> No one is "judging you." We are giving you our opinions to a question you posed.


 I never said I don't like what I'm hearing, purely the fact that if I'm asking this it must have an alterior motive! Perhaps if a someone who had a similar experience or could give an example was to give an opinion then it may help. If one of you had a similar experience what did you do?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Sami72 said:


> happy as a clam said:
> 
> 
> > The fact that you even WANT to know if she's flirting is a red flag. Personally, I would be ticked if some guy (I'm a woman) kept touching me every time I went to pick my kid up.
> ...


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

I can say that both me and my husband are jealous people...and rightfully so (we are married and any flirtations belong to each other). 

Sometimes, we come across a situation like you presented. We bring this to each other and ask for feedback. My husband is a very friendly man (it's what I love about him), but sometimes others will take his friendliness as a very mild overture and respond somewhat inappropriately. That is when my husband will invoke my name into the conversation, letting them know, respectfully, where his heart is. This can all be done without breaking any dishes.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sami72 said:


> Of course the two words of note here are "Normally" and "usually" surely in everything there are exceptions to the rule?


Not sure why you seem to be offended at the responses you are getting. You asked a question and we are answering.

Woud you like us to tel you NO she is NOT flirting? And that it's cool? 

I mean, it is your life. Do what you like.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I'm going to go with flirting.


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## Sami72 (Mar 17, 2014)

John Lee said:


> Sami72 said:
> 
> 
> > You need to be more honest with yourself and examine your feelings a little more closely. You cared enough about this to go on the internet and ask about it. It does sound like the woman is flirting with you, and it also sounds like you like that she is flirting with you. That's natural to an extent, but if you don't get control of yourself and get a little smarter about it, it can easily slip into something dangerous. People here speak from experience.
> ...


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

The fact that you felt the need to come to an online forum to ask about this implies to me that you are far too intrigued by this woman and her possible flirting behavior. Just saying...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

I'm not following you when you say that there is any risk in hurting anyone's feelings. Who's feelings are you referring to?

It sounds like her touch gave you a little juice. Sure, it's easier saying or doing nothing....but that is where the danger lies...

Keep taking the blue pill and live the illusion.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

cons said:


> ....Keep taking the blue pill and live the illusion.


:rofl: That is a funny line.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Sami72 said:


> John Lee said:
> 
> 
> > yes it is an ego boost, that someone finds me attractive ( if indeed she is flirting) everyone needs a boost now and again, and when talking *we have both mentioned our partners*
> ...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

cons said:


> *It sounds like her touch gave you a little juice.* Sure, it's easier saying or doing nothing....but that is where the danger lies...
> 
> *Keep taking the blue pill and live the illusion*.


Haha. Love tis response. 

The juice! 

Morpheus knows.


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## Sami72 (Mar 17, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Sami72 said:
> 
> 
> > See, I just totally don't get this statement. Sure everyone needs an ego boost, but not from other married people! Get your ego boost from your spouse.
> ...


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Personally, I wouldn't find this a difficult situation to avoid at all. As I stated before, have real or "fake" cellphone conversations. This clearly says to her that you would *rather be talking to someone else than her.* If possible, sit in the car when you pick up your kids. If you have to wait outside, talk to other people (preferably in a group) rather than her alone. If she does corner you alone, simply say, "Hey I've gotta go talk to John" or whoever is nearby. People who are interested in "seeing where this will go" make themselves available. If you never make yourself available, she WILL get the message.

No reason yet to tell her to stop touching you; as you've already said, that may be just the way she is to everyone. Anyway, if you aren't near her, she can't touch you! :rofl:


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Sami72-

I don't think anyone is blaming. We can only give you input on your question and advice to your follow-up acknowledgement that it was an ego boost. YOU are the one that is here asking for our input. 

It is sad to hear that a conversation about this situation cannot be had. Your rationalization about your wife's past doesn't give her the respect she deserves to be considered as your partner in all things. I read this as just an excuse to stay asleep.

My husband, not too long ago, asked me if there was anyone at my work that I felt had attractive qualities. I didn't have anyone come to mind. He then let me know there was a woman he sees, at the most-monthly, who he felt had some attractive qualities. 

Does this make me feel good....not so much.

But what did/does make me feel good is that he honored me as his wife to be accountable. To tell me he is aware of his response to this woman and that he wants to always be intentional with his actions around her.

My husband is human...he is going to find other women attractive (whether physically or personality)...as I will find men attractive as well. 

I find for myself, when I speak it out loud to my husband, the juice that I felt for this other person dissipates and is often redirected toward my husband.


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## Sami72 (Mar 17, 2014)

cons said:


> Sami72-
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

It's not wrong....it's just risky behavior for a marriage when either one or both spouse(s) are not completely transparent.

It can be a slow fade (referring to the Casting Crowns song- see movie Fireproof)


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## Sami72 (Mar 17, 2014)

cons said:


> It's not wrong....it's just risky behavior for a marriage when either one or both spouse(s) are not completely transparent.
> 
> It can be a slow fade (referring to the Casting Crowns song- see movie Fireproof)


I guess communication has always been our biggest issue, like I said earlier sometimes it's easier to say nothing than risk hurting anyone, right or wrong it's how we do things


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

My wife is fairly touchy by nature and comes across as flirty when she doesn't mean to be. She used to touch everyone she talked to. We had a discussion (a nice one) and she doesn't do that any more. So it doesn't always mean flirting.


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## Sami72 (Mar 17, 2014)

sandc said:


> My wife is fairly touchy by nature and comes across as flirty when she doesn't mean to be. She used to touch everyone she talked to. We had a discussion (a nice one) and she doesn't do that any more. So it doesn't always mean flirting.


A point no one else seems to have made, but thanks..


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## Sami72 (Mar 17, 2014)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I did!


Yes you did sorry


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Sami72 said:


> John Lee said:
> 
> 
> > Like I've said I have no intention to act on it, yes it is an ego boost, that someone finds me attractive ( if indeed she is flirting) everyone needs a boost now and again, and when talking we have both mentioned our partners, it seems it's easier to say or do nothing, than risk hurting anyone's feelings
> ...


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

The bottom line: whether or not you tell your wife, just make sure it doesn't escalate. Don't start lingering to have longer conversations with her, don't invite her to get a cup of coffee, don't agree if she asks you to have a cup of coffee, don't offer to check her oil for her, etc.


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## Sami72 (Mar 17, 2014)

John Lee said:


> Sami72 said:
> 
> 
> > If you think that, why are you asking?
> ...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Sami72 said:


> Like I've said I have no intention to act on it, yes it is an ego boost, that someone finds me attractive ( if indeed she is flirting) everyone needs a boost now and again, and when talking we have both mentioned our partners, it seems it's easier to say or do nothing, than risk hurting anyone's feelings


Ironically, if her flirting is truly innocent, then she is flirting with everyone, ie you're not special to her.

ETA: Trying being with your wife when this woman comes around and see if her behavior towards you changes....... and if she acknowledges your wife.

The novel Bonfire of the Vanities comes to mind where Tom Wolfe discusses the society hostess and her touchy feely ways.


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