# Am I too leniant after being cheated on?



## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

So after finding out that my H has had an affair (PA and EA) and finding nude pics of her on his phone and listening to them on the VAR and all the other damaging things I have endurered, here is my question. I still have triggers and have moments of anger and rage and hurt of course but more often than not, I just don't. I feel like I need to remind myself of the hurt so I can work up to that hurt and anger. Is this because I am just done with this marriage (because I am done with being treated so incredibly terribly) or is it because it's just easier with everything else going on (my dad just died and my mom only has a very short time till she passes) or am I just allowing him to get away with it as he always has (he never suffers consequences for his actions, even as a child). Is this normal or is it just me?


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## loveisforever (Jun 21, 2012)

It just wrong for you not letting your husband to confront his behavior. He needs a serious lesson or he will do it again.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

ImperfectMomma said:


> So after finding out that my H has had an affair (PA and EA) and finding nude pics of her on his phone and listening to them on the VAR and all the other damaging things I have endurered, here is my question. I still have triggers and have moments of anger and rage and hurt of course but more often than not, I just don't. I feel like I need to remind myself of the hurt so I can work up to that hurt and anger. Is this because I am just done with this marriage (because I am done with being treated so incredibly terribly) or is it because it's just easier with everything else going on (my dad just died and my mom only has a very short time till she passes) or am I just allowing him to get away with it as he always has (*he never suffers consequences for his actions, even as a child*). Is this normal or is it just me?


Not knowing the history of your relationship, I can't quite comment on if you are being too lenient. However, if the bolded sentence is true, what will he learn if you allow him to stay?


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

I did confront him actually. I asked him for a separation which he gave me....for a bit. But, then my dad passed away so he came home to help with that and then there were other things going on so he's been here since. He won't give me any of the things I have asked for though (NC, MC, Physical touch, doesn't show any remorse, ect). I did talk to a lawyer and I am ready to ask him to move out again. I just feel like there is much going on right now that he is just going to have to come back again (I don't expect my Mom to live longer than a week or two- she's only 54 btw). I don't really want a divorce but obviously he's not interested in doing the things that prove he wants to be here even though he will do small things that are nice.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

well, you know the problems, IM.

On the other hand, it's your life and your marriage. When you are ready to get serious and set boundaries, then you'll be ready. If you are not, you are not. There's no timetable, it's all up to you.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

ImperfectMomma said:


> He won't give me any of the things I have asked for though (NC, MC, Physical touch, doesn't show any remorse, ect).



I think everyone on this forum will tell you this is a MAJOR red flag. He's cake-eating, plain and simple, which means you have some big decisions to make. The unfortunate part is that everything is coming down on you at once. 

Is there _no one else_--sibling, uncle/aunt, best friend, etc--that can help you with your mom? Why does it have to be your WH?

I'm know that you don't want to D. (I'm not a proponent of it either, but my STBXH has done nothing to improve himself nor our marriage and continues his A.) But is your WH leaving you with a better alternative? He already knows that you will continue to let him come back. He knows that you will be his plan B and doormat.


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## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

how long has it been. my wife had a PA almost 5 years ago. my anger and rage went from everyday on the ride home from work to once a week then every month to 2 times a year.the only way i could get through the rage is have my wife talk me out of them. I just had a bad trigger/rage 2 months ago she got me a very nice card and talked to me about how she messed up. he will have to help you if not then he dont want R. you also have accept what happen you cant change it. he has to be 100% honest with you, if not he does no want R.


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

My Aunts, Grandmother and Stepfather are all stepping up to the plate and helping with my Mom. The reason I need him is to help with our children. While I am with her, I need him to watch them and also we are having a yard sale this weekend and have to have everything out of my dad's house by the 14th so I need him to watch the kids for that. I know I need to ask him to go. I know. I know he is cake eating. I know I need to be strong. What I am not sure of is why do I need to remind myself of the pain? Do I just not care or am I allowing him to get away with it? Is it normal to just not feel anything and go on with life? I feel like these might be it but then again, maybe it's that I am separating myself from my feelings so I don't brake and I can get through all of this. Thoughts?


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Are you in therapy? And how old are your kids?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You do NOT 'need' him for ANYTHING. Get that idea right out of your head. There are ALWAYS alternatives to everything you think you 'need' him for.

And yes, you are being FAR too lenient.

I am not sure I understand what you're asking about reminding yourself of the pain. Why would you want to remind yourself of the pain? If it's passing, for REAL, that is a good thing. You should get clarity then. If you're just burying it, that's bad.

What are you doing - getting back together with him or splitting up?


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

I am so sorry for all you are going through. 

I say you have a lot to deal with right now. Is there a reason to rush it right this minute? Maybe wait a month until things settle down? Let him help with the kids and home whole you deal with your parental duties, then tackle the marriage issue?

That's what I would do. Just be polite roommates and parents in the meantime?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

It's only been a little over a month since I found out about the affair. He works with her so he still talks to her every night and I believe still texts her through the text free thing but I don't know for sure. Why do I remind myself of the pain? To not allow myself to move on and be kind and loving. I have a tendency to just revert to my normal self which means that once again, he faces no consequences which is why I remind myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

IM,

You sound like such a nice person. Yoo nice!

It sounds like you are ready to move on with your life without him.

My two cents?

Let him support you and the kids until your family business is settled. You Dad and Mom's. Sorry by the way.....

The see an attorney, file for D. Have him served at work when he is with POSOMW.

And oh yeah, when he comes home to get his things kick him in the balls. It will make you feel better!!!!

Take care of your family first and then finish with him when you are ready. And stop being so nice.

HM64


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

I am not in therapy. We were in therapy when he started cheating and then we stopped. I wanted to start again but there doesn't seem to be much point in that. Our kids are 10, 8 and 7.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Your brain simply placed you in protective custody. Its a normal behavioral trait. You're insulated from your emotions because of everything thats going on around you. Your POS WH is using this situation to return to his cozy life with you. He has no idea that you aren't a rug for him to wipe his feet on. He will soon find out. 

You need to see a psychiatrist as soon as you are able to. You should also see a psychologist and begin counseling. You will most likely be prescribed some type of SSRI or SNRI to help you with your mood when the defensive walls your brain put up come down. The "fight or flight" mechanism that is keeping you even at the moment will eventually shut down, and you will begin to feel the full gravity and weight of your situation and life. Having a good counselor and being on medication will help you sort through the mess and come out the other side a stronger, more experienced person. 

Good luck with everything, and kick that POS WH of yours to the curb as soon as you can.


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

In an odd way it makes me feel better to know that it probably is my brains way of protecting mysekf which is what I was kind of thinking. I think with the amount of stress that I have been under (and believe me, there is more) it's either protect myself or have a mental breakdown. I thank God that He's getting me through this. I'm thankful for all the wonderful people in my life. I think right now it is definitely easier to just live life normally than it is to dwell on pain. I am truly done with the pain though. And the lies. Oh, I am so done with the lies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

I don't think the waywards will ever understand the pain that a BS feels due to their lies and deceit. 

It's one thing to have an A--which already says something about your lack of moral boundaries--but when you decide to throw your integrity out the window as well...you're just a sad and unworthy individual.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

By the way, IM, I think that you should do whatever YOU feel is best for you. And, if that is remaining "normal", then so be it. 

Whenever you are ready to make the next move regarding your marriage, you will know.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

My thoughts are with you.

Just get through this stage with your mum's situation. There is no timescale you have to stick to.

Do whatever you need to do to cope.

When you feel up to it, get rid of your husband. He is acting terribly towards you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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