# What would be inappropriate questions about past?



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

As a relationship progresses, you become closer to your SO and want to know more things about them. I think this is a part of intimacy.

I also know that many people don't want to talk about painful or shameful experiences from their past.

I'm not interested in these things but I am interested in knowing someone better.

Where would a man be crossing the line (what questions) when discussing each others' histories?


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

ntamph said:


> As a relationship progresses, you become closer to your SO and want to know more things about them. I think this is a part of intimacy.
> 
> I also know that many people don't want to talk about painful or shameful experiences from their past.
> 
> ...


Totally depends on the person and the particular dynamic you have with him/her.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

In your case ntamph...before you start asking any questions, I think you should have at least 10 dates with her, just to see if you both still like each other enough to continue.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> In your case ntamph...before you start asking any questions, I think you should have at least 10 dates with her, just to see if you both still like each other enough to continue.


More like 20. I just wanted to know what people would think.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I don't really understand the desire to know specific details about your spouse's past relationships. I know how many serious relationships my H has had, about how long they lasted, and in general why it didn't work out for them. I have no desire to know what they did in bed together.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Giro flee said:


> I don't really understand the desire to know specific details about your spouse's past relationships. I know how many serious relationships my H has had, about how long they lasted, and in general why it didn't work out for them. I have no desire to know what they did in bed together.


Neither do I.

But, what about running into an ex? Past abuse?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

ntamph said:


> Neither do I.
> 
> But, what about running into an ex? Past abuse?


If you run into an ex, she can introduce the two of you, and then tell you they used to date. What's the big deal?

And you shouldn't be asking about past abuse. If she feels comfortable with you, she'll tell you when she's ready.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

norajane said:


> And you shouldn't be asking about past abuse. If she feels comfortable with you, she'll tell you when she's ready.


I wouldn't press this BUT what about people posting that they have found out their spouse was abused and this is causing relationship difficulties (usually in a marriage) because it was kept a secret?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

ntamph said:


> I wouldn't press this BUT what about people posting that they have found out their spouse was abused and this is causing relationship difficulties (usually in a marriage) because it was kept a secret?


If you're at the point of getting married, then we're not talking about questions that should or shouldn't be asked during the first 10 dates. I would hope that two people who are planning on spending their lives together do talk about deeply intimate things that make them feel vulnerable.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

A little off topic.

My wife had a deal with me. Anytime we were out.. and ran into a girl that I had dated. (Remember, between marriages, I wasn't dating any girl more than twice in a row.. so I was getting around)

I have to immediately tell her who and exactly how far we went. She does not want to be blindsided!


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

norajane said:


> If you're at the point of getting married, then we're not talking about questions that should or shouldn't be asked during the first 10 dates. I would hope that two people who are planning on spending their lives together do talk about deeply intimate things that make them feel vulnerable.


Agreed.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I wouldn't keep abuse a secret. I've met some of my husbands exes. I used to work with one of them and she ended up in my wedding party. H met one of my past boyfriends, we said hi and moved on.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

norajane said:


> And you shouldn't be asking about past abuse. If she feels comfortable with you, she'll tell you when she's ready.


I disagree with this strongly. Abuse will affect every aspect of a person's life. Once the relationship becomes serious and people are considering it potentially marriage worthy, it is certainly relevant data to know about.

The details of what happened are not important and the abuse survivor has every right to keep it private. But the fact of the abuse (or rape or other significant trauma) is very relevant.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

How does this work exactly...?

"Honey, would you pass the salt, and, while we are on the subject - were you ever sexually assaulted?"

I don't think there is any way to ask this question. If she wants to tell you about her past she will. If she doesn't, well, then she won't.

I think that the idea is to not ignore the red flags and also try to get to really know someone before you commit. It takes time to really know someone.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Not unless some shady goings on that would lead you to believe there's some underlying issue that could be addressed I wouldn't. I wouldn't be able to do anything useful with that information.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Thor said:


> I disagree with this strongly. Abuse will affect every aspect of a person's life. Once the relationship becomes serious and people are considering it potentially marriage worthy, it is certainly relevant data to know about.
> 
> The details of what happened are not important and the abuse survivor has every right to keep it private. But the fact of the abuse (or rape or other significant trauma) is very relevant.


Yes, but as I said, this thread is about questions while two people are in the earlier stages of getting to know each other, not about people at the point of considering marriage.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I guess if her husband doesn't care to ask, she is fine to keep it to herself.
I care too deeply for my wife to not know about her past. We have been together 22 years and we knew each others junk early on but we still talk and more details of what we know already are coming out. We take our time and slowly learn. It is good to know for full intimacy and we love each other greatly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

I have a friend who went for counseling about current issues and when they delved into her past issues she had a panic attack after reliving those events.

I am just saying - because there are a lot of us who fancy ourselves armchair psychologists - but like MissFroggie said - if you can't close up that can of worms then what are you going to do?

You might even open up your own can of worms.

I have very little interest in my partner's past... let me rephrase that... there is nothing that my partner could tell me about her past that would alter my opinion of who she is now.

Maybe if that is your opinion of your partner - maybe then it is safe to inquire about her past. But I still think that as you get to know someone you need to know what you want in a partner, and you need to be able to communicate that to her or him. And you need to be able to recognize whether they are BS ing you or whether they are sincere.

But to try to dig into their past to see if they are a good candidate to be a partner in the present - I don't know - that just seems like it is using your own predetermined list...

Maybe they have learned lessons that you have not. Maybe they have grown more than someone who has not had any issues. Who is your partner NOW? That is the important question...


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I agree, asking about past abuse is out of line. Every person whom has been abused handles their past differently. It takes a lot of trust in revealing such a horrific event to anyone.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

LanieB said:


> I was sexually abused as a child, and I've never told my husband (or anyone else - except for strangers on the internet). I have no intention of telling him either. Why should I? It is something horrific that happened to me and shaped me into the person I am. If my husband didn't like this person that I am, why would he have married me?


:iagree:
Everyone has a different way of handling things.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I think the only truly important things to know are about past serious relationships. These are really the only ones that can give you any sort of insight into who your partner is, and how they are within the context of a relationship.

For example, were they cheated on? Did they cheat? Has he/she been broken up with more than they've broken up with someone? How long did these relationships last for?

They go a long way into developing a general picture of the person, and what you can expect going forward. If they have been cheated on (especially several times), this could be a good indicator that they will not be 100% trusting of you. If they have always been the one who has been broken up with, then why?

For me, my wife has said she has never been broken up with, it's always been her leaving the relationship. This could either mean that she's been a good partner and not worth losing, or that she has no patience for BS, or she hasn't chosen wisely. Maybe it even means she stays with guys longer than she should, or that she feels she can rehabilitate somebody, or that she only dated bad boys in the hopes of changing them. But it does tell me that I should be on my toes! lol As far as I can tell, I am not anything like any of the longer relationships she's had. On paper, we are total opposites, but it works.

Other than that, past sexual history really doesn't matter. We all may want to know under the guise of it mattering, but ultimately it really doesn't. Most of us experiment in our younger years, most (all) of us have slept with people we shouldn't have, etc etc etc.

What really matters, if you're pursuing an actual relationship, is how they've been in actual relationships. And if they've never had one, run!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You can ask for any info that you feel is needed to decide if she is the type of person you want to continue getting to know. If she feels the questions are too intrusive she will let you know. Then you have to decide if your respective boundaries are incomparable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

For me the boundary line would be details. Other than numbers, I don't see what purpose can be served in wanting to know the intimate details of a partner's previous sex life. I'm more interested in their values.

I see some posters are talking about sexual abuse, and, frankly, I think this is such a highly individual thing... I believe it's important to know that abuse has taken place, but no one should be expected to reveal details unless they're comfortable doing so.


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## BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN (Apr 23, 2013)

ntamph said:


> As a relationship progresses, you become closer to your SO and want to know more things about them. I think this is a part of intimacy.
> 
> I also know that many people don't want to talk about painful or shameful experiences from their past.
> 
> ...


It is perfectly fine right up front to inquire as to when was their last long term relationship and when did it end. Have they been married. But the "whys" things ended are saved for a later time.

You do not state how long you have been in this relationship. So it is hard to give a good answer. Every relationship progresses at a different pace.

I should hope that you are far enough along that you have a good idea of what her character is. In the beginning, I think it is only safe to speak in generalities. As it progresses, you can ask for more details. i.e. How many long term relationships. Why did they end.

When it comes to her sexual past, take care in how you frame your questions. You never want to come off as judgemental. From my personal experience with this, I would say it is never a good idea to push for details. If she is comfortable with you, she may share. But remember, everyone has a past. I don't care who you were 20 years ago. I care who you are now and how you have conducted yourself in your recent past.

If you ask too soon in a relationship, the answer you get may not be the truth. I don't have it in me to tell someone "that's none of your business". I had someone ask me how old I was when I lost my virginity. I barely knew him and the question threw me for a loop. See, I had been violently raped at the age of 13, so my knee jerk response was: "Oh, I don't know, maybe 16 or 17" But the thought in my head was "OMG, I don't know you, that's none of your business." So now, I have lied to him and that makes me uncomfortable. But the fact that he would ask such a question makes me more uncomfortable.

So, in general, I would say, don't push for details. Don't ask for numbers. If you see that your line of questioning is making her uncomfortable, acknowledge that it is, apologize. Either reframe your question or address it at a later date.

Please remember that everyone is entitled to their privacy. If you need to know more than she is willing to give you, then perhaps either the time is not right, or the fit is not right.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

I read somewhere with regard to dating advice that if you start bringing up past relationships too soon you are going to wind up in the friend zone....

Just enjoy being with someone. See how you fit together. Don't get all serious too soon...

Feel their energy, see how they treat others...waitresses and waiters on particular...you can tell a lot by seeing how someone interacts with others.


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## being the best me (Apr 25, 2011)

I believe if you are going to be in a long term, with the hope of commitment, relationship you should be very upfront and honest about your history weather it be sexual, amount of partners, abuse or FOO. So that you know what you are getting into, there are no surprises later on and so on. If they can't handle it now no big deal, not a lot invested, than you can move on with out a problem.


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