# Men, please don't take this as an insult...



## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Is bad memory simply a symptom of being a man? Or are there women out there the same? Or am I just a freak that remembers EVERYTHING?? A gift and a curse?

Anyway, yesterday, when STBXH brought the kids back, I brought up the garage and if we could clean it out together soon. Do the yard sale. Asked about his tools and tool bench. All surprised, he was like "sell the tools??" 

Mind you, when we first talked about the garage a few months ago and how I'd really like to clean it out so I could actually use it as a GARAGE to put the CAR in so that it wasn't freezing cold when I packed our 3 kids in it in the morning, I offered up the idea of putting his tools and other things in a storage facility. He had the idea of having a yard sale. NOW, he is SURPRISED that Iiiiiii want to sell his tools! He didn't say anything about it until right before he left and said that he would think about what he wanted to do with his tools. Honestly, are they supposed to stay in the garage forever?? 

Anyways, there I go again, looking like the bad guy. Blech. 

In the grand scheme of things, this is really petty, but it's nothing compared to what he's forgotten in the past. Alot. He never forgets stuff about work, but holy hell. Selective memory.


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## nc_girl (Feb 12, 2012)

My STBXH also seems to have memory issues. He will forget complete conversations!!


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## OutOfTheBlue (Nov 4, 2011)

Nope, it's not a man thing. My W was so caught up in her new life, it appears that some conversations never took place. She has denied knowledge of so many things that we discussed at the beginning, that I sometimes wonder if I am speaking to the same person.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Haha, NOPE. Outoftheblue is 100% right.

My stbxw is also so wrapped up in her new life and relationship that talking to her is like talking to a total stranger.

There are things in our paper work that SHE insisted on at the beginning that she will see and say, "what is this about?" She has given me a hard time one day about something and then say "what are you talking about" the next when I mention it. 

Not a man thing. It is a wayward spouse thing for sure.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

It's equal among both sexes... 
I mean even my wife won't admit to her EA even after being exposed time and time again by multiple people.... And I'll tell you why you're H is doing this. It comes down to accepting responsibilities and triggered memories. He's trying his best to push you away during this time and act indifferent in order to keep from admitting that he either misses you or regrets his decisions that lead to the D, and in doing so is trying to manipulate you with this passive aggressive bullying so you'll give him enough attention to stroke his ego without him giving any in return. He's being a control freak and trying to cake eat.

I wouldn't be shocked if he refused to remember things like spousal support checks and bailed on any promises he may have made just seconds ago over the phone. That's because he's going to try anything and everything to run from his problems and forget you. Sucks for him those memories never go away and he'll regret some of the decisions he made later on whether he's in a sring of failed relationships because he either can't trust or be trusted.

During this time I'd advise you not to go back on your word and soften to him, which I can assure you he will pay you attention for a little while and then push you away again in order to remain in control. You're doing good so far but this is not an easy task to keep up because you'll be tested over and over again. Let him jump up and down screaming to get his way while you give him exactly what he wants and sell his big boy toys.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

Funny this would be posted tonight because I was just thinking to myself how its gotten to the point that I can't "remind" him of anything he's said lately because he'll out and out lie about not having said things. He forgets total conversations and its now bordering on maddening for me. He'll say things in front of our kids and it comes up later on and he'll deny it was ever said. The kids and and I just look at each other and go "really"? He'll deny things until he's blue in the face. I hate to put it like this, but I sometimes think he might be suffering some mild memory loss because it seems so blatant.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

justabovewater said:


> Funny this would be posted tonight because I was just thinking to myself how its gotten to the point that I can't "remind" him of anything he's said lately because he'll out and out lie about not having said things. He forgets total conversations and its now bordering on maddening for me. He'll say things in front of our kids and it comes up later on and he'll deny it was ever said. The kids and and I just look at each other and go "really"? He'll deny things until he's blue in the face. I hate to put it like this, but I sometimes think he might be suffering some mild memory loss because it seems so blatant.


I haven't deleted a text or chat session because of this. I will not be gaslighted. We also need to remind ourselves perception=realithy.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I've been reading a lot into NLP and the psychology behind subliminal persuasion lately, and I think there might be away to flip the gaslighting and manipulation games around to take back control. Now it's just a thought right now but the theory behind it is the same for standing up to a bully or correcting a missbehaving kids behavior by showing you're not going to play their games... 

Much more than that though, there are some key words and phrases that have to be carefully used without trying to cast blame or pressure. One wrong "But you told me I could" or "Remember...." and it's all over, you've given them permission to walk all over you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I have never had a problem with remembering. It goes back to the "women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" thing and.... uh...ummm...now what were we talking about?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Depression and other forms of emotional stress can do a job on short term memory.

Why not get a shed?


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

lenzi said:


> Depression and other forms of emotional stress can do a job on short term memory.
> 
> Why not get a shed?


HAHA! I have two sheds! One for the lawn care stuff and holiday decorations and one for all the kids' stuff! The garage is full of auto tools, power tools, and a whole lot of crap. As well as all of our camping gear and shelves full of stuff. He moved into an apt and has no need for any of those things anymore. He left, he can deal with all the stuff he left behind.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

If you aren't yet divorced then he has a right to keep stuff there the house still belongs to him at least partially.

Especially if he's in a small apartment and you've got the big house with all the storage.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

This might have been mentioned but I think it is a control thing. He's leaving his stuff in the home to "mark his territory." Even though he's out of the home and expanding his area that is still suppose to be his home so any reminder for him to remove his things from that space just won't register and he'll continue to put it off for as long as he can. 

If you want to rid yourself of him then ask him one more time to take the stuff and give him a date for it to be completed. Politely say that you are going to have to move all of it to a storage unit if he doesn't. He'll make excuses and whine and complain and try to make you feel bad for it but it is still just an act to stay in control of his territory. You then have the option of moving all of it to a storage unit paying the deposit and then giving him the key to the lock. After the first month, it is all on him. 

Sounds to me he wants to be free and live elsewhere but he doesn't want anyone else to take over what was his. 

Then again, he could just be completely aloof and absentminded and if that is the case then forget everything I just typed.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

lenzi said:


> If you aren't yet divorced then he has a right to keep stuff there the house still belongs to him at least partially.
> 
> Especially if he's in a small apartment and you've got the big house with all the storage.


I disagree. He left. He's making ALL the decisions w/o consulting her. She gets some choices and she has offered him some and he is stalling.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Paradise said:


> Sounds to me he wants to be free and live elsewhere but he doesn't want anyone else to take over what was his.
> 
> Then again, he could just be completely aloof and absentminded and if that is the case then forget everything I just typed.


Then again he might not have room in his small apartment for stuff he has in the house he left behind. 

It's not like it's all his fault that the marriage ended. It's not easy to relocate especially if it's from a nice big beautiful house into a small apartment where there's barely enough space for clothing let alone tools and such. 

I've been there and it's not easy.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm not familiar with your specific situation, but in general, I don't waste a lot of time worrying about what an ex or soon to be ex wants. I have nothing to gain from making her life easier and nothing to lose from not. She's no longer a wife or partner but a necessary inconvenience as long as I have minor children and she's irrelevant after they've reached maturity. Have you sold or thrown out your own property to make room in the garage? This garage cleaning deal was your plan for your convenience and won't add anything to his life. Naturally, it's more important to you.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

The day after my wife moved all her stuff out, anything that was of value that was left that I didn't want I put up for sale. Made a couple grand, small consolation. The hardest is some of her sentamental stuff. Christmas stuff she left behind thats from her childhood, things like that. Not sure if I should get it back to her somehow or chuck it.

As for the memory thing, I'll echo what others have said. My ex talks to me like I'm a stranger now. Not like someone whom she's shared the last eight years with. I try to bring up things from our past and she just stares at me blankly, might just give me a one word response, might say she doesn't recall. When I try to talk about the past couple months, she usually just explodes and claims I wasn't listening to her and that she's not going to repeat everything again. When I bring up the specific conversation that I'm wanting to talk about, she just shuts down again. Its so strange, and so hard. Like I said, eight years and she treats me like a stranger.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

nc_girl said:


> My STBXH also seems to have memory issues. He will forget complete conversations!!


DITTO... AKA gaslighting (so I've been told in TAM) 
I have to say though think it's just a wayward spouse thingx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

LOL it's a well-known condition called "spousal deafness" 
Only cure seems to be having an attractive person talk to them in a flirtatious manner... every word is crystal clear then!


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Are all women gossipy? 

Are all women bad drivers?

Are stupid stereotypes pointless? 

Just like anyone ever, some men or women have good memories or pay attention or are good listeners. Some aren't. 

In this case, it's probably more a soon to be ex not paying much attention or being deliberately obtuse, and not all men ever. You already answered your own question- selective memory.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Wildflower3 said:


> Honestly, are they supposed to stay in the garage forever??


Yes actually tools stay in the garage..ALWAYS!

Unless of course you prefer a work shed or something like that.



OOOooooo..TOOL SHED!!
perfect!


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Haha! Tacoma, I love tools as much as the next tool loving female, but with young kids and single motherhood, the days of working on my motorcycle (sold) and installing suspension lifts and changing out stock garbage and upgrading to better off road parts on my old land rover (sold) are long gone... That is at least until my kids get much older and want to share in the hobby with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

lenzi said:


> Then again he might not have room in his small apartment for stuff he has in the house he left behind.
> 
> It's not like it's all his fault that the marriage ended. It's not easy to relocate especially if it's from a nice big beautiful house into a small apartment where there's barely enough space for clothing let alone tools and such.
> 
> I've been there and it's not easy.


I totally get where you are coming from. In terms of the demise of our marriage, I take total responsibility for my part. However, in his head, the demise of our marriage had little to do with any turmoil. It was a realization that I was merely a tool, a milestone, in his logical progression of life. He got his degree, started his career, we married after 6 years together, 5 years after marriage, we started having children, 5 more years and two more kids later, he decides, whoops!...

I never loved you! You were just part of the package of this fantasy life that I wanted to build. College, Awesome Career, "Perfect wife", House in the 'burbs, "Perfect children". Guess that fantasy life isn't what I really wanted after all! I don't love you, never loved you, so, now I want to end it and move on to bigger and better things. 

A lot of that is verbatim. Except the last part of "bigger and better things". 

@unsure in seattle, 
It was just a silly vent. I know a lot of men aren't absent-minded.


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