# I'm afraid I'm shutting down



## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I have previous posts for background, but here is where I am currently. 

H and I had another blow out...well, more than another..but the last one he finally pushed me to spilling everything. I still couldn't tell him I don't respect him (although I believe he knows this) but I did tell him I don't trust him. I told him that his "daddy" issues are getting old and his self worth/self esteem/happiness within himself is not my responsibility and frankly it's a burden. He promised me months ago he would go to IC with our counselor and work on his issues, of course that has not happened. I pointed that out. His excuse is he's busy, he works, he "helps" me with OUR children and I don't want him to have any time off. I told him if I had used "I'm busy" when he told me to seek IC (which I did!) that he would've told me my priorities sucked. Of course he says I am comparing myself to him to make him the bad guy. He tells me he is tired living with a cold and tuned out person, that I am 100% mom and no longer acting as wife. He is right. I am checked out and have been for awhile. I am trying to find my way back and failing so far. We had this last argument on Wednesday night. I thought he may call for counseling in Thu or Fri...nope!

After finally getting my feelings out I went to bed late that night & watched him sleep. I felt bad for him, I hurt for him. I know he doesn't want to lose his family. I know he doesn't have the self worth that he should, and his compensating for that is what makes him such an azz. I felt his brokenness and, for the moment, some of my anger has dissipated. 

I am back to feeling pressing anxiety. I've never had an anxiety problem but it is becoming overwhelming. If I'm not anxious about his job, his school or our financial security, it's about him, our marriage, him simply being around when quite frankly I don't want him here. It's getting to the point I'm about to talk to my doctor. 

I am such a ball of mixed emotions, shutting down, anxiety, and hope that I don't know what to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

MsStacy said:


> I am such a ball of mixed emotions, shutting down, anxiety, and hope that I don't know what to do.


MsStacy, this past May, you discussed your H's apparent BPD traits with Prodigal, Isgirl, 3X, Waking, Diwali, and me. That discussion starts at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sion/72882-walking-eggshells.html#post1673375. Are you still of the opinion that your H exhibits most BPD traits at a strong level? If so, have you spoken to a professional about that concern?


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Yes, I have spoken to our counselor about it. She believes he has a couple strong traits and wanted to see him on his own, which is one reason I have asked him to go for IC. He tells me that he's "working" on his issues, but he has not been in or made an appt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Have you tried to tell him that if he does not go to IC and get some proper help, the disconnection you are currently feeling will only get worse, until there is no love, or respect or marriage. He is not working on his issues, he is avoiding them. It will not get better on its own. So, how much can you take?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

MsStacy said:


> He promised me months ago he would go to IC with our counselor and work on his issues, of course that has not happened.


If he has strong BPD traits, it is very unlikely to happen. Moreover, even if it does, he likely would just play mind games with the IC. As to his empty promises, there is little chance of him following through unless there are severe consequences for his not doing so. 

If he is an untreated BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), you are essentially dealing with a man who has the emotional development of a four year old. He will continue behaving irresponsibly as long as he isn't the one who suffers from the logical consequences of his own bad behavior.


> I am such a ball of mixed emotions, shutting down, anxiety, and hope that I don't know what to do.


If your H has strong BPD traits as you suspect, you are lucky to be only a "ball of mixed emotions" and anxiety. It is common for the abused spouses of BPDers to feel like they may be losing their minds. Indeed, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused spouses and partners feel like they are going crazy.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MsStacy said:


> He tells me that he's "working" on his issues, but he has not been in or made an appt.


It's a sad situation, but what he is "working" on is denial. Nothing more. He gives you lip service. You hang in there. He continues to be what he wants to be. And I don't think you or I or anyone else thinks he is going to change anytime soon.

The only thing you can do at this point is work on your own issues and leave him to do something, or not, about his. You realize you cannot change him. Having blow-out arguments and venting at him is getting you nowhere. Nowhere.

I hope you are working on your codependency issues. When you say you feel bad for him and hurt for him, it seems you are still stuck in the same-old, same-old. Compassion is one thing. But we codies take it to a whole 'nother level; one which hurts us, doesn't help the other person, and is a one-way ticket to anxiety, despair, and frustration.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

:iagree:I agree with Prodigal. Like any good "codie," I spent 15 years trying to help my BPDer exW by tolerating her abuse while taking her to six different psychologists and several MCs. All to no avail. Moreover, I never had the good sense to walk away. For us codie caregivers, the notion of walking away from a sick loved one is anathema -- even when that is exactly what we should do. 

I therefore was fortunate that my exW had me thrown into jail on a bogus charge of wife beating -- and she got a R/O that kicked me out of my own home. Otherwise, I likely never would have had the good sense to leave.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MsStacy said:


> ... his self worth/self esteem/happiness within himself is not my responsibility and frankly it's a burden.


I decided to respond to your original post. Like it or not, I'm going to call it as I see it. And this is a crock. Yes, his self-esteem issues ARE his. But if you believe that, it wouldn't be a burden for you, would it? This is lip service. You don't believe for a minute that his mess isn't your mess. And the longer you stay entrenched in HIS MESS, the bigger your own mess will be. Honestly.



MsStacy said:


> He promised me months ago he would go to IC ... that has not happened. I pointed that out. I thought he may call for counseling in Thu or Fri...nope!


He doesn't want IC. Period. Your expectations are that you will feel better if he gets into IC and gets his act together. When we pin our hopes, dreams, expectations, and emotional well-being on another person doing what we want them to, we set ourselves up for what you now have. Major anxiety.



MsStacy said:


> I know he doesn't have the self worth that he should, and his compensating for that is what makes him such an azz. I felt his brokenness and, for the moment, some of my anger has dissipated.


No, you cannot "feel" what he feels. He owns his feelings. You own yours. But when you get inside his head and focus on his mess, it keeps you from focusing on what you own. If he is broken, that is on his side of the street. Again, this is codependency at its worst. 



MsStacy said:


> If I'm not anxious about his job, his school or our financial security, it's about him, our marriage, him simply being around when quite frankly I don't want him here. It's getting to the point I'm about to talk to my doctor.


Talk to your doctor? Well, okay. But that sounds somewhat avoidant, doesn't it? Are you going to get a prescription for anti anxiety medication? Granted, they may alleviate some of your anxiety, but the source of your anxiety is staying in a crappy marriage and trying to fix it alone.

Your husband is not interested in changing. He doesn't want to be hassled with IC. And you can keep dragging a dead whale across the beach from now until doomsday. 

You WILL have anxiety as long as you keep trying to make your husband someone he does not want to be. What if thinking is not WHAT IS. And WHAT IS will keep you in the anxiety loop as long as you desperately keep trying to avoid it. Truth.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

You need to at least be separated from your husband. It will either be the push that gets him motivated toward changing, or your sign that you can finally move on to something better. Its hard, but honestly you have to take care of yourself. Anxiety and stress are really bad on your health. Do yourself a solid and get out.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Prodigal said:


> I hope you are working on your codependency issues. When you say you feel bad for him and hurt for him, it seems you are still stuck in the same-old, same-old. Compassion is one thing. But we codies take it to a whole 'nother level; one which hurts us, doesn't help the other person, and is a one-way ticket to anxiety, despair, and frustration.


Admittedly, I have not been great at working on my issues lately. I am reading Codependant No More and personal reading time has been scarce. I took my daughters on vacation for a couple weeks then we had a family vacation. School starts on Wednesday so it's time to get back to working on me again. I'm feeling like I need to get back into IC also.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Prodigal said:


> I decided to respond to your original post. Like it or not, I'm going to call it as I see it. And this is a crock. Yes, his self-esteem issues ARE his. But if you believe that, it wouldn't be a burden for you, would it? This is lip service. You don't believe for a minute that his mess isn't your mess. And the longer you stay entrenched in HIS MESS, the bigger your own mess will be. Honestly.
> 
> I appreciate the 2x4. Often times I need that in order to see my own BS. I very much believe his self worth issues are his to own. Living with them and the "world is out to get him" or how he interprets everything as a personal slight or attack can be burdensome. I don't mean that it's my burden to fix, but it does create a heavy atmosphere, if that makes sense. I do get what you are saying though. I don't know how to completely disengage. A couple quick examples...while we were on vacation some friends came over daily to take care of our pet. They usually hide mints throughout the house in weird places. They also wrote "condoms" on my grocery list. When I saw this, laughed, & showed H, he came unglued that they were going through his drawers, "OMG! why did they do that, what are they trying to say?" Dude, it's a joke! These same friends have a friend who is looking for childcare with the start of the school year. They know the whole job situation with us and asked me if I was interested. Friend was telling me about the mother, that she can be a little over protective and kinda freaked out when her kids get hurt. That was the extent of the conversation. When talking it over with H and if I want to do this he tells me it won't be a good fit, he knows "moms like this" she will be difficult, fly off the handle if her child gets hurt at our house and sue us. He has never this woman! but he "knows" her and her type and she will be difficult and out to get us. These are two, off the top of my head examples from just the last 48 hours. That's what I mean by burdensome. He knows it all and he knows what everyone's motives are His father commented about a year ago (in a rare moment of self reflection) that he has made mistakes as a parent. H still to this day swears his father was saying that H being born was a mistake.
> 
> ...


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

MsStacy said:


> Talk to your doctor? Well, okay. But that sounds somewhat avoidant, doesn't it? Are you going to get a prescription for anti anxiety medication? Granted, they may alleviate some of your anxiety, but the source of your anxiety is staying in a crappy marriage and trying to fix it alone.
> 
> BAM! Appreciate the 2x4!





Prodigal said:


> Talk to your doctor? Well, okay. But that sounds somewhat avoidant, doesn't it? Are you going to get a prescription for anti anxiety medication? Granted, they may alleviate some of your anxiety, but the source of your anxiety is staying in a crappy marriage and trying to fix it alone.



Not seeing that as a 2x4.

It's quality advice, and it's more of a gentle reminder than anything else, surely you're aware of the source of your anxiety?

Does sound like you need something to take the edge off, such as xanax, so talk to your doc about that.

But as Prodigal said, you need to deal with the real issues or the pills are just a patch in a badly leaking damn that won't stay put forever.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

inquizitivemind said:


> You need to at least be separated from your husband. It will either be the push that gets him motivated toward changing, or your sign that you can finally move on to something better. Its hard, but honestly you have to take care of yourself. Anxiety and stress are really bad on your health. Do yourself a solid and get out.


I am convinced that if we separate then we're done. I believe it may wake him up to finally working on his issues, but I think for me it would be the final nail. That's why I'm afraid of taking that step.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

While on vacation with my girls I spilled everything to my sister. Things about my H & our marriage that I have never shared with anyone. I never wanted my family or friends to know everything because it would change their opinion of H forever. She has been married for 30 years and gone through her share. I know there were a couple times she almost left her H. I asked her how she got through it and she said there was never a time she didn't trust her H. She said she never lost "the spark" and it makes her sad to know that the spark hasn't been there for me for a long time. She didn't tell me what to do, but she did say that I deserve to be happy, not be torn down in order for him to feel better about himself, and he deserves to be with someone who is in love with him and cherishes him. 

I don't know where this leaves our daughters. Why do I feel like it is so unfair for them that he won't even try to work on his sh!t?


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

lenzi said:


> Not seeing that as a 2x4.
> 
> It's quality advice, and it's more of a gentle reminder than anything else, surely you're aware of the source of your anxiety?
> 
> ...


It is quality advice. I meant 2x4 kindly in how prodigal is pointing out its another avoidance of mine. I do not want to be medicated. I don't want to be anxious at the thought of him, or having my anxiety rise because I'm counting down the hours till he's off work though either. So this is something I need to work on.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MsStacy said:


> I don't know where this leaves our daughters. Why do I feel like it is so unfair for them that he won't even try to work on his sh!t?


It IS unfair for them. But not quite in the way you may think. Your children will grow up quickly. And even kids as young as four years old are intuitive enough to sense when something isn't right between mom and dad.

The sad fact is, your husband doesn't want to work on getting his feces amalgamated. Do you want your daughters to see this sort of man as a role model? Do you want them to marry this kind of husband? 

I have tremendous respect for the fact that you come here looking for advice and make a sincere effort to listen to what people are telling you. 

I was in a similar relationship myself many years ago. And I will tell you this: the hurt I felt from walking away from him far exceeded the hurt he felt when I walked. Just like you, I had way too much invested, emotionally-speaking, in a relationship that wasn't good for me. My ex? Meh ... he replaced me with another woman in short order.

It left me to face my entrenched identity as a victim. I was so focused on the other person, the despair, the pain, and his antics, that I lost myself.

And when you realize you have lost yourself, you will panic and focus on everything else but YOU. Trust me. I lived it. Reading a classic like Codependent No More is fine. But sooner or later, you are going to have to face yourself.

And nobody here or any counselor can get you to do that. I wish you well.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Prodigal, I keep reading your post over again. I'm afraid you are spot on and that really scares me. Really scares me!!

In the mean time I'm getting the silent treatment. The only thing I can think of that I may have "done wrong" is fall asleep in bed at 10:30 last night before he came to bed. Last week while on our family vacation he was giving me the silent treatment for two days so I packed us all up and came home early. After, he told me he wasn't speaking to me because he was angry and he didn't want to say something he would regret. And here we are again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I'm a wreck right now. I let his mood swings and BS affect me way too much and I'm not sure how not to do that. I'm shaking, huge anxiety, and left the house because I'd rather be grocery shopping. Something has to change. I used to be able to let him have his silent treatments while I happily went through my day. How did I become this person? How do I change this reaction in me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

MsStacy said:


> I'm a wreck right now. I let his mood swings and BS affect me way too much and I'm not sure how not to do that. I'm shaking, huge anxiety, and left the house because I'd rather be grocery shopping. Something has to change. I used to be able to let him have his silent treatments while I happily went through my day. How did I become this person? How do I change this reaction in me?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Take the focus off of him and redirect it toward yourself. His silent treatment fits are opportunities to do something nice for yourself. Run a bath and soak, go shopping, grab a good book and lose yourself in the story. His mood swings are his responsibility to handle and deal with, NOT yours. You don't have to get him to feel better. You don't have to cheer him up. You don't have to cater to his negative attitude at all.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

There is a saying one frequently hears in A.A. meetings: "Stop going to the hardware store for bread."

I suggest you seriously consider that. The hardware store doesn't stock bread as part of its inventory. Never has. Never will. 

There are people in this world who simply do not have what we need from them in their inventory.


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## BruisedGirl (Apr 4, 2013)

MsStacy said:


> I am convinced that if we separate then we're done. I believe it may wake him up to finally working on his issues, but I think for me it would be the final nail. That's why I'm afraid of taking that step.


Going back and reading your posts... 

:iagree: This is EXACTLY what happened with me and my ex. When I told him I was done, I meant it. I felt it. I didn't cry. I didn't hurt. It was almost like a burden had been lifted for me. 

Reading your posts remind me of who I was in my marriage. I don't miss her, not one bit. 

For the record, my ex did not change. At first he made all of the promises, said all of the right words. So I asked him to show me. He couldn't and the divorce was final 90 days after I filed. He isn't capable of change. Never was. Never will be.


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