# Please help - New to this marriage



## needingadvice (Mar 10, 2010)

Hi guys, I am new to this forum and hope I can seek some advice in order to make my marriage better. My wife (26) and I (27) have been together for 8 years before getting hitched this past June. Lately we've been arguing amongst each other and not sure if its something I am doing wrong. We live in MD and trying to relocate to CA. I feel as she is frustrated that she cannot find a job due to the hiring freeze with nurses in CA and that causes her mood swings. I'm not an expert with women and I love my wife a lot but lately I am not able to handle it anymore.

All my life I've been playing basketball all the way through my first year in college. In addition I've signed up for a basketball league that plays every saturday for just 2-3hrs. Before getting married she told me she did not want me to play basketball for 2 years due to the fact she did not want our weekends to be predetermined. I did not agree to it and still played. However, whenever she wanted to do something I would tell my team I cannot make it to the game. Well, just a couple days ago my team called me up asking if I would like to play this up coming season and my wife said no to me. Out of frustration I got hot tempered quickly and it started to go downhill from there. I play in this league to relieve some stress. I am an IT administrator for a hospital, which I am on call 24/7, and its very stressful. When I get home I try to do a quick 1 hr workout and then try to spend time with my wife. Well in our argument she says that I don't spend time with her. However I watch movies with her, eat dinner with her and take her out on dates almost every week. She said in our argument thats not spending time. On top of my job, I am actively looking for a job in CA as well, and trying to do my start up business. 
I feel as we are getting farther into our relationship, she should just tell me what she wants. I am not good at this guessing game and not sure if thats me being selfish. I was so frustrated in our argument, that I said something I kinda regret. I told her that I was tired of her being unappreciative and I wanted out of this marriage. We have not talked since 2 days ago. Now I feel 50/50 with what I said because I am tired of being treated like that. This is not the first time this has happened. Before getting married we've argued about her being unappreciative. Also I feel as I always have to say sorry first, which I don't mind. But I think she just says it back to just end the argument and doesn't really mean it. Please help. What should I do?


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

You should tell your wife that you love her, that you want this marriage to work, and that the two of you need to learn some better ways to communicate and get along. Right now you're not being the husband you wanted to be, and you don't know what the problem is but you really want to fix it.

Then you suggest marriage counseling, because a good counselor can ask you questions and watch you interact and help you see how to fix what's wrong.


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## needingadvice (Mar 10, 2010)

artieb.thanks for the advice.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H and I fought about this exact thing all the time. He loves basketball too and i always got jealous of the time he spent playing. i finally figured out why. i didnt feel like we had anything that he loved as much as he loved basketball. i know it sounds nuts, but thats how i felt. Sure, we ate dinner together, went to movies, went places, but i felt like he was doing those things for me, not with me. I didnt feel like (and still dont) that we had anything together as passionate as what he had away from me. In other words, i was jealous. 

but we did do a boundary book and workbook together that helped. its called Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. there's also Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil. We read a section and wrote each others answers (writing each others answers ensures you feel your spouse is listening to you.) Things got ugly at first because he had a few resentments of his own that made me very angry. but we kept doing the books and i mellowed out. of course he made some changes, too.


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## needingadvice (Mar 10, 2010)

Blanca, Thanks for the recommendation and hope all is well with you and your husband. I will definitely look into those books.


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## Doc Savage (Mar 16, 2010)

Don't move to California for an IT job, market sucks here and the rates are way down for the amount of work you have to do. Texas is a better option.

Now as for your wife, mood swings do to rfiscal concerns or career stalls are not uncommon. She needs to see someone to help her get her mind right. 

You do not try to fix her, it didn't work for me and I was a psych major. You just have to be supportive PERIOD.

Think of how you would handle it if her favorite Aunt died. That's the way to deal with this.

Good Luck


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