# Is he abusive or just an a**hole - is there a difference????



## Devoted02 (Dec 6, 2011)

and I wonder if it's finally time for me to hit the road...I should have gotten the hint when after a few months of dating I brought home some flowers for him (I was young - 19 and didn't know about his "toughness" yet) he said "I'm not a *****, why did you bring me flowers?" Now 13 years later, we are married with 2 kids and nothing has changed except I don't sit back and cry anymore, I dish it right back. I tend to avoid asking him to do things, he doesn't do ANYTHING he doesn't want to do and if he does you regret ever asking. So two weekends ago I brought home outdoor christmas lights (kids have been begging for years) and asked if he could put them up for us. I tried to soften the request by including a coffee, offer for breakfast and a little somthing to seal the deal later . Instead, he shot up out of bed, opened up the pissed off attitude and became a total jerk. Yelling, slamming things, wouldn't even look at me. He starts to put the lights on the roof (not gutter) and when I told him (very softly and nicely because he's so irate) that I wasn't sure if they would be seen very well, he proceeed to rip the lights from the clips, drop everything off the roof and flip out. Mind you, he was only about 5 ft. into the strand. He was pissed off the rest of the day and we didn't speak for much of the week. Fast foward to this past Friday, he screams at our son for correcting our puppy "becuase the repetative "no dog" was getting on his nerves". I yelled back to defend our son (I do this a lot) because he didn't do anything wrong and he completely flips out again. Calls/tells me a "stupid fing b*tch, I never shut the F up, I just keep going and going etc. He wasn't speaking to me, mind my own business" all in front of our 8 yr. old. Now, I have learned over the years to ignore his tantrums and usually do without a tear shed but this time I lost it. I was crying and at the same time so unbelievable angry I could have hurt him. I'm at fault to because I started name calling back...I don't know how else to defend myself and was never like that before him. There are many many more - he yells/screams at least twice a day for ridiculous things. He has NEVER physically hurt us but I can see his anger coming out in my son and I'm terrifed that if I don't leave he will turn into him. I was raised with a father who had quite a temper but never ever did he call my mother names, us names or just scream at us for no reason. I'm lost and confused and not sure what to do.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Is this how you want your son to treat his wife? I doubt it. I would consider it abuse. You shouldn't have to worry about your husband flipping out because you make a request. 

He doesn't respect you, his children, or himself. Time for him to kick rocks.


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## lovemybabies (Oct 4, 2011)

oh my, I'm so sorry that your going through this.

Your H obviously does this because he thinks he can get away with it, he neeeeds major anger management classes.

Your poor son is learning this behaviour and will think that this is the way things are. God forbid he starts treating his own wife like that down the road.


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

I have to agree with Kobo, is this how you want your son to treat his wife? 

I'm raising 3 boys and know that they will learn how to be a father/husband from the example that my husband and I set for them. I'd be terrified if my husband behaved that way in front of our children. 

Has your husband ever been evaluated for any type of psychiatric condition? It sounds like maybe something is up, or maybe you're right and he is just an a**hole. He sounds extremely selfish and self-centered. 

I'm not saying my husband is perfect and that he doesn't get a little too upset at times, but your husband's reaction is definitely out of control and uncalled for. Especially if you offered something up later for his time, not that you should have to, he should want to do things like this to make your children happy, but if I offered up something later to seal the deal, he'd be out there hanging lights with a smile on his face and waiting on his reward when he was done.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You NEED to leave NOW! This is very unhealthy for you and your children.

My ex h was very abusive to me and ended up verbally/emotionally abusing my daughter. I had strict visitations, obviously not strict enough. He tells her she is worthless and wants nothing to do with her.(she's 17)

My exes behavior worsened over the last 17 years. He's move abusive now then he was before. I never in my life known anyone angrier then he is. I'm much happier now. I've been married 12 years to the most wonderful man.

Please leave. Do it for the sake of your children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

He is both, an a-hole and abusive. 

Your children are learning from his example. Leave or give him the boot.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Worse yet, your son is learning from BOTH your examples...that it's okay for both people in a marriage to scream and name call and intimidate each other. So not only does he learn that anger is a tool to control his spouse, he's just as likely to find himself in a dynamic where he's okay with a woman who screams and berates him all the time because he's so used to that as well.

I understand that it's a way to defend yourself and I can't imagine that I wouldn't have done it worse and sooner myself! But at the same time, once an environment escalates to the point where the victim starts to stand up and give as good as they get, it gets much more dangerous and much more toxic for everyone involved. Then the lesson isn't that it's okay to treat Mom like crap, it becomes that everyone just treats each other like crap. Especially since so much of the build-up in these relationships is hidden, it's really hard to counteract the message that you get when all you see is the blow up.

You're right to worry about what your son is seeing and the behavior he's mimicking, and it really is time to take action while he's still so young.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Have you ever talked to him about his temper (when he's calm of course)?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> Worse yet, your son is learning from BOTH your examples...


Absolutely!!!!!

I left my ex. My daughter knows it's wrong to live like that. My daughter knows that it's never okay to be in an abusive relationship. She learned a lot from my own experiences and she is 17 years old. My daughter grew up in a loving enviorment and my husband is a great role model as a father. I'm so proud of my daughter and how well she delt with her father. My daughter is very driven and will go far in life. 

You have no idea how badly this effects your children. My ex tried his hardest to make my daughter's life miserable in the little time he saw her. He was so focused to turn her against me. It failed. Once it failed, he tore her apart. He tells her she's worthless and that she's going to hell. He calls her a b!tch all the time. He won't allow her to even speak with her siblings, he hangs up the phone when she calls them. He is so disgusting!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devoted02 (Dec 6, 2011)

Have you ever talked to him about his temper (when he's calm of course)? 

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Yes, we have discussed his temper many many times over the years. Just last month, our daughter (4.5) was whining about dinner - not liking something. I usually ignore this behavior but he just lashes out. He screamed at her so loud, it startled her and she was terrified. He didn't apologize, he defended himself saying he was sick and tired of the whining at the table. I get that, yes, it gets old but I don't think there is any reason to frighten her. He doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior. Almost all of our arguments come from me trying to lighten the load on the kids. Our son usually gets it the most. I've explained to him over and over again how it makes me feel when is so hurtful and that I can only imagine how it makes them feel. He just says that I'm coddling them and letting them get away with everything. I suggested counseling back in February and he was so irate he was shaking, couldn't look at me for a week. I finally caved and begged for him stop being upset (typing that makes me realize even more how pathetic all of this is). He coaches our son's sports teams and loves it. It's been a great bonding experience for both but at the same time it's really the only thing he is interested in. Sadly, I don't think the kids would miss him entirely too much. He doesn't interact with us much at all. He doesn't do family events, movies, park, walks. He never helps decorate for the holidays. We were home all day on Saturday and he sat in the other room and played video games and watched TV ALL day. When he gets home from work all we do is irritate him. Just to hear us talk he gets irritated. But he swears up and down we are everything to him. I know he would give his life for us but he doesn't want the responsibility of being involved.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Abusive people are *******s simple. You say your chilhood was the same without the name calling just the anger, didn't you ever say to yourself that you will not let your kids see, hear and go through what ever you went through. It's not acceptable for your son to hear his dad call his mum a *****. Im sure the last thing you want is for your son to grow up and think its ok to treat women like that because its not. Good for you to stand up for yourself just bare in mind not in front of your son. Alot of women just cry themselves to sleep and hope for a miracle or stay for the sake of their kids but its wrong. My advice would be to talk to him and tell him how his making you feel also what the end result will be if he continues this behaviour. His got to know that its not ok for him to do this and a person can only take so much befoe they call it a day. Good luck.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I grew up with this same thing. Yes! I took it right into my marriage.

I would have a tantrum, get over it, and to me, it never happened. My wife would complain, I would promise to get better, and would, for about a week.

I have no idea why I could not control it, he!! I could not even see what I was doing to my wife and kids. I guess I felt that if I got over it, they must too? I was a great guy between fits, surely my wife knew that? thats why she stayed with me. she could take some bad with the good, right?

NOT! The only thing that got my attention, got me to change was her packing her bag's. Only the severe threat of loosing my wife and family was enough to wake me up.

Do what you need to do to wake his A$$ up!


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

He sounds very frightening. My H has been abusive towards me, but never directly towards my children. He has worked at controlling things but I am watching him very closely because I know he knows I have my hand on the door for real. But my H agrees with counseling. I would think with your H's unwillinglyness to consider counseling and his not seeing that he even has a problem, you have no choice but to leave. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

Teach your son how to be a real man and leave this *$$ now. I would do it immediately. You don't need this, and your children don't need to be seeing this either - they will learn from him. If you want your children to have a happy marriage in the future, get out now.


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## Krissteene (Sep 2, 2011)

So it appears i am not alone. I too share your nightmare my friend. I have been married 13yrs, been with my husband a total of 17yrs. First couple years he was nice, attentive almost frightening, now its just like you've written. Tantrums, yelling, swearing, nothing i say or do is good enough, I notice it comes and goes its like a cycle. I posted before on this site and responses wrote about border line personality disorder. he does have similarities. He does have a script for aniexety/depression meds but doesnt take everyday so forget that as its accumulitive. SO when hes off hes a BEAR and in general hes just mean, spiteful and selfish. WE have no kids and i have no clue why i still stay. Constantly yells at me, verbal abuse, today this morning, i was so upset i literally fell down the stairs from being distracted. urgh. I come home from work and he acts like nothing happened earlier that day?! I didnt say much and he went to bed early. I dont know what to do, i just know i cant do this anymore, a new year is coming. Im 48 im young still have some life left to give. I dont know how to do this? Why does he torment me? I used to be so strong, not anymore..


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

I have been down this road in my first marriage. It took the realization that our then 5 year old daughter was LEARNING an example of marriage that I didn't want her to seek out that finally got me to open my eyes and leave. It's NEVER ok to treat your partner with anything other than love and respect. Disagreements are natural and expected, but handling them in a respectful manner is important. I looked at my daughter and thought about her growing up with this example and it killed me. I had to leave.


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## secondwifesadness (Dec 16, 2011)

In my experience they never change. Your H sounds so much like my ex husband......... 4 years ago I left, ironically he is now involved with someone else and from what I understand he is completely different with her than he was with me. nice huh? I left because I have 3 girls and I dont want them to grow up learning that this is how a woman should be treated by her husband Im so sorry you are dealing with this. Maybe counseling may help in your case.......


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

That's definitely verbal and emotional/psychological abuse. It's a good thing you don't silently take it and resist by speaking up because otherwise, he'd see you as weak and it would escalate. He shouldn't be so angry about a suggestion for counseling if you brought it up nicely. A couple of questions for you -- does he realize that his anger is causing a problem? Maybe you can video a few instances of his behavior and then play it back for him while you talk to him about it (and then, delete the videos of course) so that he can see what it looks like objectively. If you're not in counseling yourself, you should be -- and since your H screams at your kids, you should try taking them on a short term basis. It's not so much that you need some kind of adjustment, but sometimes, a reality check is a good thing. My WH (who I love very much) became really abusive once he started cheating a lot; he doesn't even recognize that he is being abusive, though. I often wish I could show him what he is like from an objective POV because I don't think he wants to be an *******. But, when I tried to talk to him about it, he got very defensive and aggressive and I didn't have a way to explain to him the situation in a way that he didn't discredit it subjectively. What I mean is, maybe he doesn't quite see the effects of his actions and would if you showed it to him (like Sully from Monster's Inc, who realizes how scary he can be when he sees himself on video). Of course, if you think this will upset him in a way that he'd lash out at you, please don't. But, definitely try individual counseling because if you're not sure how to interpret these behaviors, talking to a neutral third-party might make it a little easier to analyze and make sense of similar patterns, incidents, or behaviors. Good Luck. I hope you guys can work it out.

One caveat -- if he starts hitting you or the kids, don't stay; even if you want to try to work it out, just going away until he understand why will send a clear message that hitting is not okay and next time it will be less likely to happen.


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## mrhappy2u (Dec 16, 2011)

He is an ******* with lots of issues. Underline "he" - not you. Get out now, and deal with your emotions and your children's mental and social health.


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