# Struggling today with Separation



## MrPack (May 19, 2015)

I've posted a couple times already regarding my story. I'm 31 my wife is 29, married almost 7 years, we separated almost 3 weeks ago. She brought it up but now I'm understanding that it is probably a good idea. With that said I'm really struggling today. We were texting a bit this morning regarding our car insurance (she got a new car last weekend, something that was already in the works prior to our separation. She's paying for the car not me). Anyway the texts then lead to "So how are you doing" type of conversation. Felt very generic. I told her I was doing pretty good because I have been compared to the first couple weeks. She said she was doing pretty good too and also said she was happy to hear that I was doing good and sent a couple smiley faces. I know this sounds dumb but I just dont know if she truly is happy that I"m doing good or if she's just saying that. Also is she happy that I;m doing good without her or just in general? As you can see I have a major issue with reading into things. 

It's so hard not to ask her a million questions when we communicate like this, things like where is your head at, what have you been up too besides med school (probably not a whole lot). How has it been staying at your moms. I'm trying to give her space which is what she wanted and I'm starting to realize it is what we need right now but I also feel freaked out that I'm giving her too much space. Right now in my mind I'm telling myself that I'm going to give it another month and if nothing has changed I"ll want to have a real talk with her and lay everything out on the table regarding our future. But then I have friends, family and a new counselor who are telling to not look that far ahead and take it one day at a time. I guess I'm just wanting to vent today, maybe looking for advice from someone who is in the same situation.

I've heard had a lot of people on here telling me to be careful that it sounds like she is seeing someone else but honestly I havent seen any signs of that and every single person that knows her say the same thing. Yes I know we could all be wrong but I just dont think that is the case right now. 

So how much space is too much space during a separation that was brought on basically by us drifting apart and slowly losing things in common? This separation is about both of us finding our selves and figuring out what we really want in the future with eachother or without.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sorry you are here, MrPack. Your W is in med school? This can be tough on a relationship as it is a hard course of study. I can say my BIL GF was unhinged studying for the bar. Enough to ruin their relationship. Once she passed the bar she was an entirely different person. But it was too late salvage the relationship.

As far as believing there is no other person in the picture, trust but verify.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You made her happy.

Because you're doing better.

That may be because she cares about you, or is just unburdened of guilt about leaving you.

If it's the former, keep doing the things that make you happy and stronger that have nothing to do with her.

If it's the latter, do the same. Because you'll never guilt her back into your life.


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## MrPack (May 19, 2015)

It's just hard, I remember over the past year or so having thoughts in my head while she was gone at school or studying "I wonder what life would be like had I married someone else who worked a normal job, wanted kids and had the same future goals as me". Now while I'm in this separation I still have those thoughts but they scare me now for some reason. I have days where thoughts come to mind that I'm good with this separation right now and then I have days where I just want to call her and plead my love to her and beg her to come back home right now. I know this is probably normal but I'm so up and down all the time. I feel pathetic, I'm a 31 year old man and I'm relying on my parents and a close buddy of mine right now to keep me sane. My sleep pattern is out of wack, I'll have a great evening with friends and family and go to bed feeling good then the second I wake up I feel like the world is crashing down on me. 

And as for the med school I know this is tough on any relationship, we knew that from the get go but I dont think either of us was prepared for how tough it was really going to be. I tried very hard to be understanding and support her the best I could but that wasnt enough. I thinkk the new friends she made and new outlooks on life she discovered really did a number on her mind. Now it seems like she doesnt know where/how I fit into this new outlook or potential future. So all I can hope for is that with the little free time she does have she is working on what she wants out of the future and really thinking about whether that future has a spot for me because I know thats what I've been doing and I'm still on the boat of trying to make this work but then I can also see how things may not work out. VERY VERY VERY confused right now...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MrPack said:


> It's just hard, I remember over the past year or so having thoughts in my head while she was gone at school or studying "I wonder what life would be like had I married someone else who worked a normal job, wanted kids and had the same future goals as me". Now while I'm in this separation I still have those thoughts but they scare me now for some reason. I have days where thoughts come to mind that I'm good with this separation right now and then I have days where I just want to call her and plead my love to her and beg her to come back home right now. I know this is probably normal but I'm so up and down all the time. I feel pathetic, I'm a 31 year old man and I'm relying on my parents and a close buddy of mine right now to keep me sane. My sleep pattern is out of wack, I'll have a great evening with friends and family and go to bed feeling good then the second I wake up I feel like the world is crashing down on me.
> 
> And as for the med school I know this is tough on any relationship, we knew that from the get go but I dont think either of us was prepared for how tough it was really going to be. I tried very hard to be understanding and support her the best I could but that wasnt enough. I thinkk the new friends she made and new outlooks on life she discovered really did a number on her mind. Now it seems like she doesnt know where/how I fit into this new outlook or potential future. So all I can hope for is that with the little free time she does have she is working on what she wants out of the future and really thinking about whether that future has a spot for me because I know thats what I've been doing and I'm still on the boat of trying to make this work but then I can also see how things may not work out. VERY VERY VERY confused right now...


I've been there, man. Go from having a nice condo and car to living in my old bedroom at my mom's house with a suitcase of clothes and my nintendo.

Use this time to think truly and deeply about what you want for the rest of your life. You get another kick at the can here, man.

It might surprise you.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

I'm so sorry you are here MrPack. This is the first time I've responded to a thread, as I'm fairly new here, but I related to your feelings so much. It sounds like you are exactly where I was the first few weeks after my H left. The horrible confusion and uncertainty. I look back now and feel angry because my H had all the control. I wanted so badly to know everything he was thinking. But in my case there was someone else. I hate to sound so negative, but don't completely rule out the possibility of there being someone else. My H was THE LAST PERSON ON EARTH that anyone thought would do that. Almost 4 months later, everyone is still in shock. I only say that because I wish someone told me to be prepared for it, just in case.

I don't feel experienced enough to pass on any advice, but I will tell you that I also gave my H the space he wanted when he left, and it ended up increasing the rift that was already between us. I guess because he was already sure of what he wanted. It hit home for me when you said your W was happy to hear you are doing better. My H was the same, but it was simply so he could feel less guilt over what he had done to me. It's hard to say whether I would do anything differently now, because I chose my dignity over begging and pleading and I don't entirely regret that. But how do you fight for a marriage that the other person doesn't want without compromising your dignity? Does it depend on badly YOU want it? If there are answers to those questions, they are things I wish I knew at the time. I understand the feeling of utter helplessness and I wish I could take that away for you. For everyone going through it.

I'm sorry if my rambling seems pointless and unhelpful, I guess I'm just saying that you are not alone. Which I have taken some comfort in knowing in over the last few months. The people here on TAM are amazing. Keep talking. I wish you all the best.


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## MrPack (May 19, 2015)

Toomanyemotions said:


> I'm so sorry you are here MrPack. This is the first time I've responded to a thread, as I'm fairly new here, but I related to your feelings so much. It sounds like you are exactly where I was the first few weeks after my H left. The horrible confusion and uncertainty. I look back now and feel angry because my H had all the control. I wanted so badly to know everything he was thinking. But in my case there was someone else. I hate to sound so negative, but don't completely rule out the possibility of there being someone else. My H was THE LAST PERSON ON EARTH that anyone thought would do that. Almost 4 months later, everyone is still in shock. I only say that because I wish someone told me to be prepared for it, just in case.
> 
> I don't feel experienced enough to pass on any advice, but I will tell you that I also gave my H the space he wanted when he left, and it ended up increasing the rift that was already between us. I guess because he was already sure of what he wanted. It hit home for me when you said your W was happy to hear you are doing better. My H was the same, but it was simply so he could feel less guilt over what he had done to me. It's hard to say whether I would do anything differently now, because I chose my dignity over begging and pleading and I don't entirely regret that. But how do you fight for a marriage that the other person doesn't want without compromising your dignity? Does it depend on badly YOU want it? If there are answers to those questions, they are things I wish I knew at the time. I understand the feeling of utter helplessness and I wish I could take that away for you. For everyone going through it.
> 
> I'm sorry if my rambling seems pointless and unhelpful, I guess I'm just saying that you are not alone. Which I have taken some comfort in knowing in over the last few months. The people here on TAM are amazing. Keep talking. I wish you all the best.


Just hearing your story and your words/experience help. Thank you for sharing, you are right TAM has been a great deal of comfort through all of this. I am very sorry for what you are going through and again thank you for sharing and giving me the time of day. I'm trying to remind myself that everything happens for a reason and that no matter what I will be okay and happy and so will you and anyone else going through similar struggles. Its the up's and down's that are hard but I'm sure that will go with time.


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