# What were most marriages like pre-infidelity?



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Someone wrote here asking what the marriage was like after the infidelity was discovered. It got me thinking about what were most couples marriages like pre-infidelity ? Would you have felt you would married them over again if given the chance? Or where most marriages rocky to begin with ? I don't mean just on this site, but wonder overall about marriages, and how they really really hooks up together. I don't know if I make any sense....

Wonder what the experts say?

~sammy


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I'm willing to bet that a good portion of those marriages were just fine and perfectly good, but then the DS met the other person, and suddenly, the marriage looked old, stale, unexciting, "yesterday's news",etc.

Then the "fog" crept in...


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## howcouldshe (Jul 18, 2011)

F-102 said:


> I'm willing to bet that a good portion of those marriages were just fine and perfectly good, but then the DS met the other person, and suddenly, the marriage looked old, stale, unexciting, "yesterday's news",etc.
> 
> Then the "fog" crept in...


I would have to second what F-102 says, then when it all blows up I think most realize they made a big mistake but by then the damage has been done.....


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I can only speak for myself, but prior to H's EA, I felt we were good. We have the normal pressures of everyday life, but I had that naive belief that we were strong, and that stuff like that didn't happen to us, I trusted H 100%, and he me. I know I made sure to prioritize our marriage so in that sense I never felt that I was complacent, or let things slide.

I'm still confused on how we got here. I don't call what my H did an "affair", but I have asked him why he did what he did, what grabbed his attention, made him pursue her. In some ways, knowing that he doesn't think it was anything I was or wasn't doing makes it easier (ie it "wasn't my fault") but on the other hand it makes it harder, because whatever needs mending has to come from within him, with my support of course.

I have realized that maybe we were "comfortable" and possibly H liked the excitement, I don't know. I do know that what has happened has made him appreciate more what he has at home, which I think he took for granted previously.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

I think that very often one partner is happier than the other partner. The unhappy partney is unable to convey to their partner, what they are unhappy with, or the happy partner does not care to listen.

Then someone else comes along, and everything seems better. The old life becomes dull. The happy partner suddenly realises that things were not so great, and changes could have been made. I have been on both sides of this.


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## SIP (Jul 27, 2011)

Well in my case I thought we were happy. We had just renewed our wedding vows in this big wedding ceremony we never got to have when we first married, in front of family and friends. EA blindsided me and left me shocked. Wound up tearing up wedding album, cutting dress, and telling him to get out in my initial rage and disgust. Couldn't comprehend how someone just a month earlier could express such love for me and then begin an EA for 7 months. Devastated me to think we were on our 'honeymoon' a few months after wedding and know he was in EA. Still makes me physically ill.


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

In my case life was great. It was more than great, it was the best it had been in years. We were expecting out second child and planning on buying our first home. I had no idea he had a girlfriend...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Mine s*cked. But he was always lying to me so there was no pre-infidelity, only pre-discovery of infidelity. Things got better for me AFTER discovery. My subconscious has a built-in alarm system, lack of authentic love is scientifically documented to escalate and enhance allergic reactions. Yippee for that. I'd rather die of anaphylaxis that unintended injurious escape from abuse I wasn't aware of, i.e. acting out to get my own attention. LOL.


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## loveiswhereiamnot (Jul 8, 2011)

Mine sucked. We barely talked, he had untreated depression, distant, no emotional connection.

I would have felt a lot worse about it if we had been happy. We separated, divorced, he remarried OW in a year and a half, only to wind up in a worse marriage now than what he had before, no big surprise. 

________________________
Love is when you are thinking … “how can I make you happy?” Attachment is when you are thinking … “why aren’t you making me happy?”


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## borninapril (Jun 6, 2011)

I think most people would say they were happier, I know I was but "ignorence is bliss". I do know that the one thing that came up after I learned of her cheating was the fact that she had cheated on her first husband and lied to me about it (I had asked her point blank while we were dating and she said no and gave me several other reason as to why that marriage didn't work out and from having dealt with him and know people that knew him they were valid reasons). Had I known that she had cheated in her first marriage I would have been slightly more hesitant and taken it a little slower than I did.


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## want2recover (Jul 27, 2011)

Before my H's EA, ours was awesome. We really DID feel like soul mates for many years. He was the center of my world and I am very nurturing. Then we had our first child. The baby didn't need him (in his view) and I had my attention divided between them and was exhausted all the time. Then we had our second child which took even more of my attention away from him. I always assured him this was temporary and he also wanted a family badly. But I believe he didn't realize he would have to share me. When a beautiful woman came along that stroked his ego, he went with it....and they were off.


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## marital_discord (Jul 29, 2011)

Before I discover the A, we were glued at the hip. During one of our many arguments he disclosed the marriage went sour during our second year - we had been together for near 20 by then. For me, we were going along great with little worries and no, I was not delusional, he was just really good at deceiving me. When I shared what I was going through, ppl said they knew something was going on behind my back but thought I knew - huh?!!!


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## marital_discord (Jul 29, 2011)

Like WALKINGWOUNDED posted above, my H craves excitement and has no concept of peace. Currently he loves to stir the pot and I guess sneaking around and being talked about with the OW at work fills his needs. FYI: She is known there as her first name and his last name!


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

I was in a bad marriage the first time around, and I know what they are like. This one was the polar opposite; we were friends; we were a loving couple. Middle age came along and so did a little b**ch young enough to be my daughter. All the time he was involved with her, he was still telling me how much he loved me and that I couldn't drive him away" with a stick". After d-day he rewrote our marital history. While he was still in the fog, he described our marriage as "rocky". I was gob smacked. Now our marriage is rocky. He's trying very hard to " make it up to" me, and he says he will spend the rest of his life doing so. I feel like I married an actor who never really let me know what he actually thought or felt. I don't really know him and I'm not sure that I want to. Less than a third of marriages survive this, and I'm not sure this one will either, at least not as a source of deep contentment it once was for me. We may stay together, but something has died in me, and nothing he says or does will resurrect it. There are things in life that can't be undone. If you lose a limb it won't grow back again, you just learn to live with the disability. He has altered my view of him for the rest of time. I stay with him because I have no where else to go, and because our child wants us to stay together. He has demonstrated to me that I am not young enough, pretty enough, thin enough etc. to keep his loyalty when temptation comes along. I didn't have a chance against a young fox and I wasn't even given a warning. The first time I even knew that she was a living person was when I discovered her e-mails to him. He had worked with this person for over a year and carried on an affair with her for nearly nine months and he never once mentioned her name or that he worked with such a person. How damn devious can you get?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My marriage was not good at the time of my A. It was possibly the worst time in my marriage.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Jelly

What was the marriage years leading up to the affair? 

Mine was a good marriage too, as I thought. Now, all I am hearing is how great it was from him too!!! Mine told me, all he wanted was to be closer to me...ah? so, to prove it to me, he has an affair?
(for almost 2 years?) 

It's crazy how something we see as fine, really isn't...

~sammy


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I also felt we had a decent marriage. Like everyone else, we've had our ups and downs. I felt that since my marriage survived 23 years of military life (PCS moves, shift work, constant deployments, unaccompanied tours), and a change of career to public service, that we were rock solid. 

Apparently not solid enough to withstand a simple friend request from an old high school boyfriend on *facebook*. Yes, facebook strikes again.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Mine was the BLACKBERRY. Never will I have the phone in my life again !

~sammy


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> Mine was the BLACKBERRY. Never will I have the phone in my life again !
> 
> ~sammy


Speaking of blackberries, my wife resisted upgrading her phone for a long time, she was perfectly happy with her Motorola RAZR. Then all of a sudden she wanted a Blackberry! I couldn't figure out her change of heart, she just said she would like to upgrade.

And now that I look back at the timeline, she wanted the Blackberry when she and the OM were getting hot and heavy online, hence the need for her to check facebook all the time.

I would like to stomp on her damn Blackberry.  The Blackberry itself was a trigger for a long time. Now we're coming up on our upgrade.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

My marriage (this time around) was good in my mind, but obviously not good enough in her mind -- despite her telling me it was all wonderful. The fact that I was away too often (working) left her needing to get her ego need for attention during those times. Weekdays she had her OM, weekends she had me. Like you sammy, I got the "I wanted more of you, to be together more"...so she went out and had her affair(??) because she missed me so much -- ah, yeah ok whatever!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

LM, Blackberry is a trigger for me too... she had hers for awhile, used to let me check it all the time too. I got a android phone last winter (my first cell phone ever) and loved that we could stay in touch all the time. When I found out about A and her "blackberry messenger" life it pisses me off to all ends that as we'd have some lengthy text messages she was simultaneously messaging her OM. Also, because of the race issue "BBM" now has a dual meaning to me both of which are triggers.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

Although not married, our relationship prior to me discovering she was cheating was great. We were extremely close and open with each other about everything (except for her infidelity). We had an incredible sex life, we were like porn stars most of the time. The only real issue we had was her occasionally feeling "smothered" and "needing space". Or so she said, that really just meant it was time for the other man (or men, there was likely 2 of them). 
That's what made discovery so devastating. I just had no idea, I couldn't believe it, there wasn't any "justification" for it from the state of our relationship. We didn't have problems.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

What this all goes to show is that Affairs do not only happen in problematic marriages, and that the WS really does re-write the marital history to justify the A to themselves.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

L-H-M,
I made him purchase me the Iphone, new program plan, the works... I didn't care about his upgrade. I made him put a new pool in and a new irrigation system. Had my stone walls repaired too. I told him I want his BB out as soon as his plan comes up. 

My husband and neighbor have a sick joke that the most expensive piece of real estate comes in the shape of a triangle. He hasn't a clue how expensive its gonna be... if, he ever gets to it again ! LOL 

~sammy


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

> I think that very often one partner is happier than the other partner. The unhappy partney is unable to convey to their partner, what they are unhappy with, or the happy partner does not care to listen.
> 
> Then someone else comes along, and everything seems better. The old life becomes dull. The happy partner suddenly realises that things were not so great, and changes could have been made. I have been on both sides of this.


I agree with the above statement. If your partner doesn't communicate with you then you may never know really how they feel.

I thought we had a good marriage as well. A birthday card she gave me before she met the OM said "I love you forever and I can't live without you. Thank you for being a wonderful husband and father" Wow, doesn't sound like a woman who was unhappy or would have an affair does it?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

mine was a bit stagnant for maybe a year prior to the affair but nothing that was horrible


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Mine was not good ,at all. I could do nothing right in my XW's eyes and she was very discontent. Lord knows, I tried everything I could think of, but she was just pissed all the time.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Mine was normal. No big issues. It was becoming stale as I started to seek more time alone or with friends who live far away. Next thing I know, I was having an affair.

Would I marry again? No. As a cheater, I don't want to hurt anyone else.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> Jelly
> 
> What was the marriage years leading up to the affair?


Tense. You could cut the air with a knife. Lots of fighting. Lots of not talking. He ignored me habitually for as long as he wanted to. Entire weekends. Entire week(s).There ws a lot of me crying and him walking right by me not saying a word. There was a lot of me asking him (begging actually, of which I am now appalled by) to go to MC with me and him outright refusing and looking at me like I had 3 eyeballs. Me going to kiss him and him turning his face away from me saying "I'm busy right now." Not wanting to come home from work at the end of the day cause I didn't want to be home. When it was good, it was good. But it was bad, it was awful. And the bad times were outweighing the good. I had to go on medication for the incessant migraines I was having & was so stressed out and anxious all the time. If I called with a question (at his job) or said I had a concern about something I was met with "Your opinion doesn't count. I'm not going to marriage counselling. Are you done talking now? Why are you calling me now?" He would spend days w/o picking up the phone to call me sometimes. So no. Our marriage was not good. I described it to the MC at the time (of whom I saw alone cause he wouldn't go) as "coasting." Very bad dark place. I had never felt more alone in my entire life.


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## randomguy123 (Oct 17, 2011)

Ours was never good. We never really connected in a lot of important ways. That's part of the reason the EA/PA wasn't as obvious as it could've been to me. In hindsight, I should've taken a few cues. Oh well.

What do you think the average length of the affair is prior to the spouse finding?

I found out things were in a very bad place at 7 months and eventually found full proof at 10. It really sucks to acknowledge that I've essentially been replaced/substituted by someone else the last 10 months.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Our marriage was old and stale and going moldy fast. Jelly beans, what you describe sounds a lot like what my husband describes. I knew things were bad, but I think he felt they were worse than I felt they were. He went seeking intimacy elsewhere because we didn't have any any more. I chose to bury my head in the sand and hope it would all just blow over. Neither of those choices were the right one. What he did was a huge wake up call for both of us.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

In the couple of months before my ww and I had started searching for a new house and were working getting things in order for our second child (she has pituitary tumor so medication is required for conception). Then all of a sudden, she says she had been planning on leaving me for years. I just don't buy that. Yes, we had our issues and all of them are fixable when you think rationally. Obviously, rationale is not usually a trait of a.wayward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Struggling4ever (Jan 9, 2012)

SIP said:


> Well in my case I thought we were happy. We had just renewed our wedding vows in this big wedding ceremony we never got to have when we first married, in front of family and friends. EA blindsided me and left me shocked. Wound up tearing up wedding album, cutting dress, and telling him to get out in my initial rage and disgust. Couldn't comprehend how someone just a month earlier could express such love for me and then begin an EA for 7 months. Devastated me to think we were on our 'honeymoon' a few months after wedding and know he was in EA. Still makes me physically ill.


I can relate?
I had just spent a week away with the OM in Daytona at Bike week and felt something was not right. I got back and took my wife to get a new wedding ring. We had been married 20 years and had been having some issues regarding the OM (didn't know he was more than just a "good friend" at the time). 

I knew she always wanted a nicer wedding ring and we went in to buy it. The clerk at the store kept asking my wife "weren't you just here a few weeks ago"? She insisted no, and the clerk said "are you sure?, cause the person I waited on could be your twin but was here with another man"...she still insisted no. I bought her the ring, put it on her finger kneeling down and getting all cheesey and said something like I know we've had some issues lately and I thought a lot while in Daytona and I want to consider this a fresh start...let's put everything behind us and move forward (meaning arguments and bad feelings)...she agreed. 

It was only a short time later that she went on the cruise with him and 2 of her sisters and I found out while she was gone! That was 11 years ago and to this day, I say if you only would have called it off after I bought you that ring I could be more accepting, but I have never been able to let it go...


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Rocky in the first 7 years. He was a violent alcoholic, I don't want to share details. We had good times though even during the first years. Yes, I did think about leavin him then but it was never a real consideration for me. There were days where I couldn't stand looking at him. During the next 3 years, we grew apart. He started his own business, which I had no interest in. I stopped being SAHM and built a career. More growing apart. He felt I didn't care about him anymore and I felt the same about him - we never addressed it out loud with words and we didn't know that the other person felt the that way. No communication. At the same time, we didn't ignore each other. We talked, joked, worked together on home improvement projects - ignoring that elephant in the room.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Struggling4ever said:


> I can relate?
> I had just spent a week away with the OM in Daytona at Bike week and felt something was not right. I got back and took my wife to get a new wedding ring. We had been married 20 years and had been having some issues regarding the OM (didn't know he was more than just a "good friend" at the time).
> 
> I knew she always wanted a nicer wedding ring and we went in to buy it. The clerk at the store kept asking my wife "weren't you just here a few weeks ago"? She insisted no, and the clerk said "are you sure?, cause the person I waited on could be your twin but was here with another man"...she still insisted no. I bought her the ring, put it on her finger kneeling down and getting all cheesey and said something like I know we've had some issues lately and I thought a lot while in Daytona and I want to consider this a fresh start...let's put everything behind us and move forward (meaning arguments and bad feelings)...she agreed.
> ...


OMG! I'm so sorry! This is awful!


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## Struggling4ever (Jan 9, 2012)

oaksthorne said:


> I was in a bad marriage the first time around, and I know what they are like. This one was the polar opposite; we were friends; we were a loving couple. Middle age came along and so did a little b**ch young enough to be my daughter. All the time he was involved with her, he was still telling me how much he loved me
> 
> He's trying very hard to " make it up to" me, and he says he will spend the rest of his life doing so.
> 
> ...


I had a bad marriage from 18-20ys old. Our years together have been polor opposite as well, friends , loving couple, talked of growing old together. And she was telling me how much she loved me, we would go dancing, went to Europe the year before.

For the past 11 years since D-day, my wife has done everything right and I can feel she loves me, but then I thought that before? So I can never completely let go of it

I understand the something died in me part, I've said it many times. The "you just learn to live with the disability", wow, what a perfect analogy! We actually went to dinner last night (Valentines day) and she was saying she will go to a therapist, anything I need, answer any questions, whatever she can do. I told her that I don't need anything answered, and I don't want to know anything else. I said after this many years with this still bothering me, I just need to decide if I am willing to continue knowing he will always be a part of our marriage and relationship if we stay together. You just learn to live with the disability!?? What a concept! 

This was my supposed best friend and he did everything with our family...sometimes him and his girlfriend, sometime just him, and I had no clue...that's how devious you can get. 
Thank you...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> I knew she always wanted a nicer wedding ring and we went in to buy it. The clerk at the store kept asking my wife "weren't you just here a few weeks ago"? She insisted no, and the clerk said "are you sure?, cause the person I waited on could be your twin but was here with another man"...she still insisted no. I bought her the ring, put it on her finger kneeling down and getting all cheesey and said something like I know we've had some issues lately and I thought a lot while in Daytona and I want to consider this a fresh start...let's put everything behind us and move forward (meaning arguments and bad feelings)...she agreed.
> 
> It was only a short time later that she went on the cruise with him and 2 of her sisters and I found out while she was gone! That was 11 years ago and to this day, I say if you only would have called it off after I bought you that ring I could be more accepting, but I have never been able to let it go...


Holy crap!!! 

Struggling, I know I said it before but I'll say it again...

I really, really, really do not like your wife!


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## Struggling4ever (Jan 9, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Holy crap!!!
> 
> Struggling, I know I said it before but I'll say it again...
> 
> I really, really, really do not like your wife!


I understand and I was in denial for years. I know i was probably in shock and the OM took enough from me, I didn't want him to take my wife and family away. I helped her to blame him for manipulating her and to blame his girlfriend because she would supposedly tell my wife when we had disagreements "I don't know why you put up with him and you have a key to my place if you ever need it". I also took blame for pushing her away...so in my mind I pushed her away, he manipulated her, it just happened. I know now that she was an equal partner. I can tell you that if you met my wife, you would like her, everyone does. She is a good woman and I'm often told how she lights up a room when she walks in and I have seen it many times. I believe she will be eternally sorry.... I just don't think I can go on with the triggers and mind movies...and we both deserve better.

I started a new job a few years ago and my wife became extremely jealous of my boss's assistant as we became friends. It was actually her accusing me of an EA, as well as me getting confused and actually starting to develop feeings that caused me to realize what the "fog" was and that she had been in it.... I know she developed feelings, I know she chose to act on them, and I don't know how I was able to bury it and move forward because now it is all too clear to me. And by the way, I worked through the "feelings", figured out what was going on in my head, and there was no affair - emotional or otherwise... she was just trying to be a friend, and I was hurting. She moved 2000 miles away over 7 months ago.... and life goes on. My head is actually clearer than it's been in years and it feels good to have finally released all of the hurt and anger.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Struggling4ever said:


> I can relate?
> I had just spent a week away with the OM in Daytona at Bike week and felt something was not right. I got back and took my wife to get a new wedding ring. We had been married 20 years and had been having some issues regarding the OM (didn't know he was more than just a "good friend" at the time).
> 
> I knew she always wanted a nicer wedding ring and we went in to buy it. The clerk at the store kept asking my wife "weren't you just here a few weeks ago"? She insisted no, and the clerk said "are you sure?, cause the person I waited on could be your twin but was here with another man"...she still insisted no. I bought her the ring, put it on her finger kneeling down and getting all cheesey and said something like I know we've had some issues lately and I thought a lot while in Daytona and I want to consider this a fresh start...let's put everything behind us and move forward (meaning arguments and bad feelings)...she agreed.
> ...



WTF dude!! The betrayal is enormous. She was shopping for wedding rings or just jewelry? She was just an expensive hooker. Looks like the clerk was trying her darndest to tell you that she was cheating but you proposed to her? Facepalm. You were in one hell of a denial. How is going these days?


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## Struggling4ever (Jan 9, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> WTF dude!! The betrayal is enormous. She was shopping for wedding rings or just jewelry? She was just an expensive hooker. Looks like the clerk was trying her darndest to tell you that she was cheating but you proposed to her? Facepalm. You were in one hell of a denial. How is going these days?


We were pretty good for 11 years but since I finally came clean with her about the triggers and mind movies, about my hurt and anger...it has been rocky to say the least. Originally she tried to place blame again, but I stood firm and now she accepts all blame. We have not been slleping together for a few weeks now because i said until I figure things out, it's not fair to her. She sleeps with a picture of us every night and says she will wait as long as it takes until I tell her I can't continue and that it is all about me and what I need. We were the couple who was always together and I always heard from friends and strangers what a great couple we were. I used to think...yeah, if you only knew! We actually went to dinner last night (Valentines day) and she was saying she will go to a therapist, answer any questions, anything I need, whatever she can do. I told her that I don't need anything answered, and I don't want to know anything else. I said after this many years with this still bothering me, I just need to decide if I am willing to continue knowing this will always be a part of our marriage and relationship if we stay together. It's tough!!!


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Struggling4ever said:


> I can relate?
> *I had just spent a week away with the OM in Daytona at Bike week and felt something was not right*. I got back and took my wife to get a new wedding ring. We had been married 20 years and had been having some issues regarding the OM (didn't know he was more than just a "good friend" at the time).
> 
> I knew she always wanted a nicer wedding ring and we went in to buy it. The clerk at the store kept asking my wife "weren't you just here a few weeks ago"? She insisted no, and the clerk said "are you sure?, cause the person I waited on could be your twin but was here with another man"...she still insisted no. I bought her the ring, put it on her finger kneeling down and getting all cheesey and said something like I know we've had some issues lately and I thought a lot while in Daytona and I want to consider this a fresh start...let's put everything behind us and move forward (meaning arguments and bad feelings)...she agreed.
> ...



Man, i'm sorry, having not read any of your prior posts, this sounded like some days of our lives stuff. especially bolded part, just didn't make sense until reading others responses. lol.

My now wife cheated when we were dating. Prior to her doing that, the relationship was perfect. It was a year into our relationship, we were ocmmunicating, we were laughing , we were doing amazingly well. Then she did the deed with some guy she used to have flings with in the past. And she said she kept doing it over the course of another year because the deed was already done, so why stop now? :rofl:
After marriage, it got miserable, then I cheated. Not justified, but it was a necessary evil given all the other circumstances.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

Mine was incredible until I found out (which was 7-9 years after the A). We never fought, always shared long deep conversations, sex all the time, and just being close. All of our friends were jealous, we stayed in the honeymoon phase. We were soul mates; infatuated with each other. But being on a remote + deployment kept me away for a total 2 years out of a 3 year time-frame, which is when the A happened. I guess not many young marriages would make it through that long of a separation without something going wrong. But when I returned from deployment (the 1 and only A in our relationship, had already ended) everything was bliss, it was like we were even closer. And years later (upon discovery) everything went bad. It sucks because we both admit that our relationship was perfect, except for the long separations.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

The A came to be known much later in my case. Things were as if nothing happened. It was as if my fault why I started feeling different.
Hard time now. Prior to discovery, business as usual!


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

not too good, if they're seeking others to fill their need. whatever that may be.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I know I've talked about the affair, D-Day and R but I don't think I've ever talked about our relationship before that. We were young and innocent although that didn't last. We had our ups and downs, mostly ups, until my first son was born. As new parents we thought we were supposed to put everything into raising our child. So we did. She worked, I worked. Mostly opposite schedules so we could always be there for him. When we were home together we took care of my son. We didn't get out too much because money was tight and we didn't have a lot of help from either family. I guess we both grew further apart as we both grew closer to our son.

Personally I was always very analytical. I always kept my emotions in check and when confronted by a situation I never reacted without thinking things through. Of course this calm logical demeanor was interspersed by infrequent bouts of rage because let's face it you can only keep it in for so long. When I felt the pressure building up I would go take a walk. Unfortunately the times when I would feel like blowing up always seemed to come when my wife and I were alone together after putting my son to bed. I suppose that's because we both were frustrated but didn't really communicate it to each other. So in hindsight she probably thought when I told her that my walks were so I could work off negative emotions that those feelings were from or directed at her.

The sad part is that when she started her affair and began drifting further away it had become so ingrained in me to take care of our son that I never really noticed her pulling further and further away. Eventually I did see that she was spending more and more time away from home but she assured me that it was only because she needed a break from taking care of the house and our son. I told her that I understood she needed time for herself and get this *I TOLD HER TO GO HAVE FUN*. Little did I know the fun she was having!

Ironically it's the close relationship I had with my son that broke my wife out of her fog long enough to end her affair and confess it to me. She had convinced herself that I was an unfeeling a$$hole and that I didn't deserve her. But when she saw how animated I was playing with our boy she realized that I wasn't the total jerk she had made me out to be. After all if a little boy loves you and giggles so much while playing how bad can you be? So she ended it with the OM and immediately came home and told me. I was shocked to say the least and really didn't want to continue the marriage. I agreed to R only because I was convinced she would blow it and I could walk away and could say that I tried but she was just a s!ut who didn't deserve me.

Well, she didn't screw up and although I didn't make it easy on either of us we worked through it. We're still working on our marriage even today. It's always going to be a work in progress.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

wow, that's an essay you wrote.


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

Prior to Dday I thought things were great H and I talked on the phone often while he was on the road(truck driver). He would come home in the weekends and I would let him relax play video games and such. Sex was always available when he wanted it and even how he wanted it.

I never pushed him to take me out anywhere because he would tell me how tired he was so date nights were a no go. We did argue every now and again he would get on the more dramatic side and freak out on me in public because he knew I would not blow up on him or say anything because I didn't like to make it a big show or anything.

Family would ask me how we handle being apart for such long periods of time (usually M-F) and I would say that it's because we have great communication. 

I truly and honestly thought we had a great relationship.

EDITED TO ADD: Now thinking back during his EA our arguments were about him not having friends and how he never gets to go to bars after work or do anything "social" 

I saw an email from a liquor company thanking him for being part of a taste test. When i asked him about it he said "oh that one time a while back I went to a bar with your brother" but the truth was that he went with OW. I still feel stupid for believing him and I can't shake the "I want to punch him in the throat" feeling sometimes.


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

I don't bother to think much about our marriage at all these days, but I do have to admit that the whole thing puzzles me on occasion.

From what I've gathered to compare with others, we made a fine couple. It was often not easy finding time for ourselves, but we always made something special out of our time together. Like if I was working nights, on my days off we would always read to each other at bedtime. We would often leave little poems or letters for each other. Life was sometimes hard but I always thought our affection was one of the things that carried us through. And we never had any problems in the bedroom, at least that's what I thought. I could continue on and on about communication and intimacy and what-have-you and say I thought we had that.

All I can do is write the whole thing off as unexplainable. Not the first such in the world, I guess. And be thankful that I found out before I had any more time in.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

In all honesty, there was no pre-infidelity and it s*cked.
I just didn't want to see it.


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> In all honesty, there was no pre-infidelity


Now that you mention it, there most likely wasn't any pre-infidelity in my case either. Still makes me just shake my head, can't figure some people.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

lascarx said:


> Now that you mention it, there most likely wasn't any pre-infidelity in my case either. Still makes me just shake my head, can't figure some people.


As I am writing to my son's teacher about his sentence that uses all of his vocabulary words but lacks obvious logic except in the structural sense: it's post-modernism, it doesn't have to make sense, but if you accept it, and get into the middle of it, at that little fulcrum point where water boils into steam, at that moment, and for that moment only, it makes perfect sense, and if you're lucky, and there's a light, you might even see a rainbow. LOL.

Bottom line: it really doesn't have to!
This is why for people who have left abusive relationships, feeling IS logic.


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## frazaled (Jan 20, 2012)

well, like some of you i had no real idea that this is were I would be .
We have been married 19 years been together for 23 years have 6 great and healthy kids we talked all the time we didnt argue often and when we did it was usually about money (lack of) were he had done something silly with it and this would alway turn into he dosnt get enough sex .
Then for the last 15 months he has been haveing an affair with my so called friend .Same friend used to say to me all the time I hope i find someone like your hubby and have the great marriage you have (I just didnt pick up on the fact that she wanted my hubby and my marriage).
Truth be told she stocked his ego and I guess I wasnt doing that enough any more( I am not taking any blame for what he did , but I will admit my sort cummings in our marriage ) but he didnt exactly sit me down and go hay babe you arnt meeting htis need and if you dont im going else where to get it done .
All said and done we are working on recovery now and he is doing everything he needs to ,but to sume up pre affair i guess cumfortable would describe it best.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Year 1-2 : Fantastic extended honeymoon.

Year 3-6 : Hell on earth. Wife cheated with ex-boyfriend, followed by two months of separation and three years of IC and MC. We "reconciled".

Years 7-20: Good. Ups and downs like every marriage. Sex was frequent and satisfying. We went on trips, had romantic weekends away, and made time to talk with each other every night. Except for her dissapointment in not being able to bear children, the wife never seemed restless or behaved as if she was hiding something.

This year: Hell on earth. Caught her cheating by e-mail on January 24th, kicked her out, and then she flew to San Diego to have sex with her AP on February 3.


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