# Can't seem to snap out of denial



## hank_rea

I've posted my story several times on here. My ex wife (WAW) have been together since 2004, married in 2005, she gave me the ILYBNILWY on March 9, we separated on March 12, and she served me with divorce papers on March 14. We are now divorced. During the time inbetween the big reveal and divorce, I begged and pleaded to get her back, did everything wrong. She told me things like "I just don't want to be with you anymore", "I'm done", "I don't want you", "I fell out of love with you", "Leave me alone", etc and when we were together, she would text and call me constantly. The instant I left the house for our separation, she immediately stopped. She never texts me anymore, and when she does, it's only about business matters. Never once asked me how I was doing or if I had found employment yet...nothing. I recently asked her about this and she said it's because she is still upset with me (for things I said to her after I signed the divorce papers). I have a hard time believing that.

So, here's the deal....she divorced me, she changed her facebook name (maiden) like two weeks before the divorce was finalized, she got rid of our e-mail account that had both of our initials in it, she's gotten a new birth certificate with her maiden name on it and I am still expecting her to come around and start texting me again and missing me. I started no contact about 2 weeks ago but mainly because she told me that if I gave her time and space perhaps one day she could forgive me for the things I said and we could start over. (she warned me that it could be a while) I suspect this is just a manipulation tactic, but it's something I needed to do anyway. I wasn't moving forward any by pursuing her. 

My question is, though, are there any tips you guys can give me to snap out of this delusional state that I'm in where I fantasize about her texting me and telling me that she misses me and I run back to her and we embrace during a rainstorm and live happily ever after? I'm really getting tired of feeling this way and holding on to some kind of hope for a miracle reconciliation seems highly unlikely at this point (I know this in my mind, but my heart says differently). Also, I feel like constantly talking about this situation is holding me back as well, but it's the only thing on my mind. All I want in this world is to be back with my ex wife. When is reality going to kick in for me?


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## rep

Im VERY sorry. I went through this myself. I was married 17 years bud. Get hobbies, and STAY BUSY. Its the mornings and nights that kill. Its completly normal to cry and think abut her. Im not saying that you need to do a 180 bc thats not normal. You already started by coming here. Bro, she is NOT coming back and theres probably been too much damage anyway. Please go workout, or do something that you used to really love to do and stay busy as hell. Get 2 jobs, I dont care. Just dont sit around, that is the killer of them all


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## Paradise

Rep is spot on.... Busy as you can get. Work out like crazy. I use my anger in the gym and it relaxes me significantly. Plus, I'm in better shape now than I've been in years. Don't sit around and do nothing. 

I couldn't afford counseling so I had to do it myself so that's why I avoid sitting around doing nothing like the plague.


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## hank_rea

What if I'm still thinking about her when exercising or working? I spent 9 years with this woman and she was my entire world. Anything can trigger thoughts of her; a song on the radio, a commercial, a woman at the grocery store who resembles her or even seeing a couple holding hands in the parking lot at Wal-Mart. It's like a really long bad dream that will never end. I can't imagine hell being much worse than this. 
I'm trying to pray for strength and patience but God isn't moving fast enough. lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paradise

I'm two years out and I still think about everything on a daily basis. Doesn't sting as much now but I've come to accept that it is a part of me now. Does it still hurt? Sure, a little. But, I finally got ticked off enough one day sitting around doing nothing all the time and started at least moving forward. 

You cannot go through life worrying about whether or not she's going to come back. Time to do something today to move forward.


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## stillhoping

I know just where you are, two years since the ILYBINILWY talk, D final for almost a year, and everything makes me think about how he should still be here with me. Married for 28 years, I know I shouldn't expect to get over it too soon, but I am so sick of feeling like this. I'm so busy I can hardly stand it, tons of friends, work, finishing a degree, a large house, two kids, working out and still wake up missing him and go to sleep missing him. Doing yard work makes me miss him. I am getting ready to sell the house we shared, hoping that helps.


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## hank_rea

Wow. Reading that actually made me feel worse. I can't imagine feeling this way for another year. My heart goes out to you, SH, and I pray your situation improves soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stillhoping

No, just because it is taking me so long doesn't mean it has to for you. I am just stuck, 30 years together, the world makes no sense to me alone. I am still doing great things, finishing the PhD, going out on dates, planning a trip to Europe. I will be fine, just understand its gonna take a long time, since the relationship was so long


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## Mandia99508

I'm a female not a male and I went through something similar to you Hank. I left him in October 2010 and moved from Alaska to the midwest. I couldn't stay near him for so many reasons. We kept in contact periodically we would exchange emails but I certainly wrote A LOT more than I received. When his stopped (which was absolutely the right thing for him to do) I fell in to a deep deep state of a different form of denial. I brushed it off and acted like it didn't bother me. I knew it was over, so I acted like it didn't matter. People ROUTINELY ask me if I still hear from him, even today. But when his emails stopped I started partying to get over the loss. Just don't make the same mistake I did. I drank, ate and sexed my way through some of this stuff. I wish I would have *****ed and moaned and complained my way through everything instead. I have suppressed it and eventually the anxiety of loss went away. I'm not giving you any advice, and telling you what not to do. I'm telling you what I did, and it wasn't the right way to handle it. I sought therapy for the booze but I never ever talked about my "companionship issues".


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## hank_rea

I don't know if I'll ever truly accept that my marriage is over. I mean, what more can my ex wife do to beat home the message to me? She's divorced me, completely turned her back on me and told me flat out that she doesn't love me or want to be with me. (she even sent me a text on our anniversary telling me that she was sending me my copy of the court summons for our divorce hearing. I just completely lost it.) I think even if I found out she was seeing someone else (very likely to happen soon if not already) I still wouldn't "get it". I'd just tell myself there's no way it's going to last and that he won't be able to measure up to me. I really need to be in counseling or something. I got issues.


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## Mandia99508

Give it time Hank, it will fade. Have you ever lost a pet before? Dog or cat or maybe a person...? 

The loss you're experiencing is similar to that. It's grief. It's normal. And over time those wounds heal. You get in to a new routine. You will get used to her not being there. It will take time. 

For me, I had to shut off. I don't know how or when I did it. But I can't seem to turn whatever I shut off back on. It's been years, and I still can't seem to want to try again. 

Another question... are you still living in the place which you share with your wife?


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## hank_rea

No. I live 4 hours away from her...with my parents.


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## Mandia99508

hank_rea said:


> No. I live 4 hours away from her...with my parents.


I moved back in with my parents after my divorce too. I was ashamed at first but was the right thing to do. It seemed like a bad idea at first but I spiraled out of the control and had I not been around them full time I would would have spiraled a lot longer. 
I hope that your parents are as understanding and supportive as mine are. They really helped me get my life on track and I couldn't have done it without them.


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## that_girl

You are legally divorced?

Then your marriage, as you know it, is over. Done.

That's reality.

The other part of reality is while you are here, in denial and wishing your ex wife back....SHE is out living and doing god knows what.

Let yourself heal (my god! How fast that divorce was! Where do you live!? Dang.), but then go LIVE. You have one life. Don't waste your time worrying about someone who said she doesn't LOVE YOU.

I have to remind myself all the time what my STBX said to me. Similar things. It helps a ton. I'm too awesome, and I'm sure YOU"RE too awesome, to waste time wanting someone back who doesn't even LOVE US.

Eff that.

Go live. I choose Life.


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## hank_rea

Yeah I hear you. And I really wish I could believe that in my heart...it would make this so much easier. I know where I went wrong. I kept contacting her and she gave me little glimmers of hope. When we first separated she was very cold and said the most hurtful things. She told me that she wanted me to be happy, but it couldn't be with her. The last time I spoke to her, she said that if I gave her time and space that perhaps one day we could start over. I know I should take that with a grain of salt, but I keep thinking how patience has always been something I've lacked. Maybe this is some kind of test. And when she first gave me the "love you but not in love with you" I panicked and didn't give her space. I keep thinking if I had just backed off and read about the 180 that perhaps I would still be married now. I mean, we were starting to get closer even during those three days before the separation, but I, not being patient, wanted an update...asked her if any of her feelings had come back. She said it felt like I was rushing her and she said she wanted me to leave. 

I know I'm just grasping on to any small shred of hope but this is the only thing keeping me going right now. Warning signs are all there. The last time she asked for space, I got served divorce papers. And she's never been the type that needed a lot of time to do anything. She claims she fell in love with me after our first meeting (we met in person a few days after speaking with each other online) She agreed to let me move in with her after we had been dating only about 4 months (and if I had asked her sooner she probably would have agreed to that as well) So, with me out of the picture, how long do you think it will take to replace me? Ugh....I know all of this and that should be enough, but I just can't give up on the delusion that we are meant to be together. Like I said, I'm living in hell.


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## EnjoliWoman

I know this isn't particularly helpful as I have no insight on this matter but as someone who has been divorced for nearly 10 years from an abusive, narcissistic ex, I must say it's really nice to know there are devoted, loving men out there. I know you aren't perfect as none of us are, but my scars are different and these posts are oddly reassuring to me.


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## Jasel

Man I'm really sorry for what you're going through. Sounds rough. I think the only thing that will help is time and doing what others here recommend which is staying active. Sounds like your heart is having trouble listening to what your head is telling you.



> The last time I spoke to her, she said that if I gave her time and space that perhaps one day we could start over. I know I should take that with a grain of salt, but I keep thinking how patience has always been something I've lacked. Maybe this is some kind of test.


I'm not trying to pile on but going from what you've said she probably just said this to get you to leave her alone. She left you, divorced you, and has given no signs of regret/remorse. That's no test my friend. She's gone. 

Maybe if you keep telling yourself "It's over" instead of trying to cling to hope, it will sink in more and help you move on faster. Better to not hold out hope for something and get it or not get it, then to keep hoping for something that most likely isn't going to come.


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## hank_rea

Well, I asked her how she felt after the divorce hearing and she said she felt like a failure. And someone I spoke to in a divorce support group told me that she won't truly feel any sort of loss until I stop contacting/pursuing her. But yeah, I really do need to come to grips with reality......I will try telling myself it's over every time I get one of those fantasies in my head. Nothing else so far seems to be working.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mandia99508

Jasel said:


> I'm not trying to pile on but going from what you've said she probably just said this to get you to leave her alone. She left you, divorced you, and has given no signs of regret/remorse. That's no test my friend. She's gone.
> 
> Maybe if you keep telling yourself "It's over" instead of trying to cling to hope, it will sink in more and help you move on faster. Better to not hold out hope for something and get it or not get it, then to keep hoping for something that most likely isn't going to come.


I have to agree with Jeasel. She's not going to give you a second chance. I think a reconciliation wouldn't be a good thing necessarily for either. But I'm proud of you for preparing yourself for the inevitable. She will move on. She isn't the 'broken" one in all of this. 
The advice you've been given is good and worth your consideration. Focus on you and the fact that you are on your own now, but in a good way. Try not to do what I did and still do, don't be negative and cling to the loss. Because if companionship is something you truly crave you have to let her go. If not, in years you'll wake up and be looking down the empty side of your bed and feel like you just wasted all this time hanging on to a dead relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

Fear not. I have a back-up in place. She said she will pray for my heart to be healed but in the mean time she's here for me whatever I need. I almost cried when she told me that and it made me feel like crap that I can't offer her more than friendship right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

Errr.... but just out of curiosity, why do you think reconciling is a bad idea?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paradise

reconciling is not a bad idea but she has to be the one who wants it and she needs to put just as much work into it as you do. 

A few posts back you sound exactly like I was throughout the divorce. Probably like a lot of us. I panicked. I was super nice guy and tried to bend over backwards for her. All I ended up with was getting stabbed in the back. Sure, I had my flaws and some of them were pretty silly but I didn't recognize them at the time. But, my ex shut down and was done once she found another man. 

Look, I still hurt, mostly because I miss my daughter. I also hurt for the daughter of the OM (especially since she's just now going to counseling after two years because she's somewhat messed up from all of this). I realize that my ex and her OM are in a fantasy world and they do not see what they have done to other people. Do I really want to be associated with that? No. But it still hurts. Getting left behind hurts, but isn't it obvious that your view on marriage is different than your ex wife's? 

Right now, the best thing you can do is to move forward like she's never, ever coming back. And if she does, well, a new and MUCH improved version of yourself is there if that happens. I have a feeling that if that does happen, you won't be waiting around anymore.


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## that_girl

Well, you are choosing to live in hell.

You can choose to let go of trying to control the situation and just "be". You can choose to believe the REALITY of the situation, or you can grasp desperately to small strands of hope.

She is NOT WITH YOU. She is done.

Time is long if we're lucky....go do what you do and then if this opportunity presents itself to makeup, then decide from there. But go LIVE. Dang. GO. LIVE.


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## LostInMT

Hank,

First I would like to say I'm sorry for what you are going through. Everything you have said about how you feel and all the little triggers that can cause you to think about her, I know EXACTLY because Im going through the same thing. Only difference for me is that my STBXW (4 days until court) cheated on me and left me. 

That last point aside, one thing that seems to help me lately is realizing her faults. I know it's hard when it's someone you love and care for/about so much. Things aren't always perfect but just because she is the one who wanted to leave DOES NOT MAKE IT SOLELY YOUR FAULT!!! It takes two to make a marriage work.

I take blame for the negative things I brought to our marriage but I have learned that regardless of what I did (I was not abusive in any way, we argued a lot), nothing justifies her cheating on me and leaving me for another man.

Unfortunately like others have pointed out it does seem over with and for that again, I'm sorry. I won't give you false hope saying someday she will realize she was wrong and will come back because it's not fair to you.

It sounds like you are making some progress, take it a day at a time and reach out to Friends/Family and TAM for help and poeple to talk to. Don't sit idle, it's the worst thing you can do for yourself.


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## hank_rea

I hear you and to eveyone who replied, I really appreciate your input. This place is amazing. Yes, I will give myself more healing time and try to stay more occupied while giving myself more realistic expectations, or at least I'll try. Oh and I'm in Georgia, to whoever asked. If the divorce is uncontested, it gets finalized 30 days after filing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostInMT

hank_rea said:


> Errr.... but just out of curiosity, why do you think reconciling is a bad idea?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think anyone is necessarily saying it's a bad idea but don't dwell on the idea of it and focus on you otherwise you will be stuck where you are at.

Nobody wants you to become a doormat to her and no offence but in the current state your in (I can relate) it's amazing what you might be willing to put up with just to get her back. I don't know your relationship and what kind of person she was but I saw a quote in another member's avatar that rings so true:

"Expect anything from anyone, the devil was once an angel"

It sucks, It hurts like hell but the fires of hell have not risen out of the ground. The world is still turning and there is always hope. For the record I'm not religious at all but there are a lot of good metaphors. 

I recently bought a little sign that says:

"It's never to late to live happily ever after"

Sounds cheesy/lame but I have it over the door so I see it every day I walk out to my truck to go to work. Maybe try to find little visual aids to help you throughout the day?


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## hank_rea

Looking back on our relationship, I'm seeing things that I ignored while in it because to be perfectly honest, they just didn't bother me that much. All I wanted was her. I can go into more detail if you like and many of you may say I was already a doormat for her after hearing the whole story. But, these things illustrate just how selfish she was, but then again, so was I. She would go along with just about anything I wanted to do and I only found out just recently that she was bothered by many of them. Like, she would ask if I wanted her to put on makeup when we went out and I told her that she didn't need it, that IMO she looked better without it. Well, she told me that this upset her because she wanted people to see that she was trying to look good for her man. Terrible communication. She just kept all of that bottled up until it just ate away all of her feelings for me. And I didn't try hard enough to do the things she liked---we made the relationship all about me. 

But she was, I thought, the perfect companion. We had a lot in common (but maybe we didn't and she was just pretending to like the same things I did) and we never had any fights. I loved coming home to her. She always had dinner ready (even on days when she worked a full shift) and greeted me with a warm hug and a kiss. She was my first love and I lost my virginity to her. I miss her so much. And you're absolutely right, Lost. I would probably let her get away with murder if it meant being in her life again right now. But, she doesn't want that. If she did, she would communicate with me. I tried to talk her out of divorcing me the day before the trial and she told me that she was still very upset with me. It's stuff like that that gives me this false sense of hope. I'm thinking, "Oh, she's just mad at me...that'll pass and she'll be more open to reconciling." You usually don't go through the trouble of divorcing someone just because you're upset with them....or do you? I've never divorced anyone. ;p

EDIT: a bit more info. I am her second husband. Her first she also divorced after 7 years citing she "just wasn't happy".


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## Mandia99508

hank_rea said:


> Errr.... but just out of curiosity, why do you think reconciling is a bad idea?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because it could just perpertuate a loveless cycle that you're already in. She swings back and forth for loving to loveless. You swing back and forth form happy to disappointed. It's endless and it sucks. At some point the break will happen and you'll have to move on all over again.


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## hank_rea

Ugh...you're probably right. Well, at least about her. While she did say she felt like a failure after the divorce hearing, she doesn't really take any responsibility for the demise of our marriage. So, at least on her end, things would probably just remain the same, while I'd be working my ass off trying to be a much better partner than I was before.


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## Mandia99508

hank_rea said:


> Ugh...you're probably right. Well, at least about her. While she did say she felt like a failure after the divorce hearing, she doesn't really take any responsibility for the demise of our marriage. So, at least on her end, things would probably just remain the same, while I'd be working my ass off trying to be a much better partner than I was before.


I agree 100%. 

I'm glad this board is helping you with your greif. I found it extremely helpful when I was preparing for my divorce however, once I went through it I never used it again until now, because I've grown so much in the past few years, and hopefully I can now help people who are going through marriage difficulty. I don't know why I didn't use it to deal with my greif. I suppose that was part of how I shut down. I rarely stopped to talk about it.


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## hank_rea

In taking Jasel's advice of telling myself "it's over" one step further, I wrote myself this on my phone and I plan to do exactly as it says in addition to other things:



> _"The Harsh Reality: READ THIS AT LEAST 3 TIMES A DAY!
> 
> J**** is gone forever. The proof is all there. Stop denying what is right in front of your face. You have not seen her in almost two months and in that time she has not once called or texted to check up on you. You told her about your parents and she never asked how they were doing, either. She doesn't care about you at all. Wake up! She is not going to try and start over with you. She just wanted you to leave her alone. Since when does she hold grudges for months at a time? She doesn't care about what you said to her. It's an excuse. She is a liar. She lied to her parents for 9 years. She lied to you saying that she loved you when she really didn't for at least a year. Possibly even longer than that. No need to turn your phone off or ignore her texts. She doesn't care enough about you to bother trying to contact you. She doesn't like you, she doesn't respect you, and she doesn't care about you. She is gone and you will never see her again. She's never coming back. Get used to life without her. She is finished with you. She ended your marriage and does not want anything to do with you or your former life together. She does not miss you or think about you. The thought of you touching her makes her sick. She is happy that you are gone and hopes you never call her again. She is gone forever and she is never coming back."_


I also tell myself things like, "You WILL be happy again WITHOUT HER" and "She doesn't care about you, it's over", etc. I look in the mirror, stare myself in the eyes and recite these words. I have also taken my divorce papers out of the cabinet and put them on my dresser, making sure I see them and what they represent every time I go to get dressed. Again, thank you all for your brutal honesty and with time, patience (my weak point), and prayer I will get through this.


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## Mandia99508

I do believe you are "snapping" out of it. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

Big update: and I hang my head in shame. 
Here's the story: my ex sent me a package in the mail today to replace another package that had been damaged in shipping. I texted her saying "Thank you" and she texted me back saying "yw". I shouldn't have ever texted her. I immediately expected her to follow up the text with something else and I got extremely depressed when she didn't. So, I checked her e-mail account. :slap: What I found in her notes section was a phone number. Of course, I call the number and it is a man. He says he works with her and there is nothing going on. 

I then call my ex to confess what I had done. I told her to change her e-mail password. She, of course, was furious. She said she didn't have time to talk but she would call me later. So, time passes and I finally get the call. I explain to her why I'm in my current state and it's because of the way she completely turned her back on me as soon as we separated. I told her that I'm a wreck because of it. I told her she never calls me, never texts me, she just acts as if I don't matter at all. She says it was the only way she knew how to deal with things. I then ask her about what she said about us possibly starting over and she said that after the stunt that I pulled today, the answer was no. I then reminded her that she regularly attends church and that they always preach about forgiveness and that she should be more understanding.

She then says that she probably would have done the same thing under the circumstances and that she forgave me. I then asked her where we go from here. She said she guesses we just try to get on with our lives. I then told her that I meant what about us? And she said there isn't going to be any us. She then said that she isn't willing to risk getting hurt again. I told her that I swore on my mother's life that I wouldn't ever hurt her again, that it would do me no good to revert back to my old ways because I'd be right back in this situation. That this almost killed me and that I couldn't go through it twice. Nothing I said got through to her (big surprise) She said that she isn't going to let her guard down. I told her that if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have given her another chance and that I guess that was the difference between us. I then hung up the phone.

So, one step forward yesterday, 40 steps back today.  All the progress I made over the last couple of weeks completely down the crapper. But at least I know now that beyond the shadow of a doubt she is definitely not willing to try and work things out with me. I finally have closure. And you can't get more of a reality check that this....I told her that I wasn't even looking to move back in with her, that I just wanted to take her out a few times and see where it went from there. She refused. My mother said that she is doing it to protect herself, that she still has feelings deep down for me and that she knows that if she sees me again, those feelings will come to the surface and she'll be vulnerable again. That doesn't really help me, but it kind of makes sense, I guess. The end result is still the same. My ex wife and I are completely and totally finished.


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## Forever Changed

Hank,

I am so very sorry to hear this. You are right, you shouldn't have texted her or checked her email. By doing so, you take your self back a lot of steps. My motto when you are feeling like 'checking' or texting is 'No Action Taken, No Harm Done'. For your own sanity my friend.

At least your STBXW is rational; mine isn't. We have a young baby and they live interstate. They left when he was 8 weeks old.

I called one night, many weeks ago and asked the question:

"You could move back here, and we could try to make our marriage work". And she responded "I know thats what *you* want, but it's never going to happen". What I should have said was 'No, it's not what I want, it's for our baby'.


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## hank_rea

Yeah I'm basically back to square one now. But at least now there is certainty. Nothing is up in the air. Even though it didn't turn out how I would have liked if I had it to do all over again I probably wouldn't have changed a thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm

Hank, you may not realize it but you are lucky that your ex has chosen to cut you out completely. Like you, I have remained in love with my ex, and he has come to me no fewer than three times, telling me that he loves me, wants us to be together, and we reconnect. Then he always ends up staying with HER. So, every time, I think I am getting him back, only to be crushed all over again. I know it hurts, and I am sorry you are dealing with this, but trust me, you are much better off to be cut out, it is forcing you to move forward.


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## ExisaWAW

Snapping out of denial is not easy. I am finally moving on 12 months after my D was final. What helped me was realizing that my x was egotistical, selfish, & a narcassist for ruining our fututre & our girls chances for a normal life. She is devoid of decent morals, values, & integrity & she only thinks of herself. She truly doesn't deserve a man like me. When I used to see her, I saw the person she once was. Now that I avoid seeing or even communicating with her, I can start to realize who she changed into. Her insides have changed so much that I don't recognize her any longer. My x is truly dead & gone. You don't treat people you love the way she treated me & our girls. 

That helped me move further toward acceptance. Hope it helps you as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch

Hank,

This is not for everyone and may or may not work out in the long run but you asked how I got over the denial that she was coming back?

I got a girlfriend. I do not have any regrets. I was about to kick my "get her back plan" into full gear (most likely would not have changed her mind) and that came to a screeching halt never to be resurrected again.

Just being honest with you,
Stretch


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## hank_rea

Stretch said:


> Hank,
> 
> This is not for everyone and may or may not work out in the long run but you asked how I got over the denial that she was coming back?
> 
> I got a girlfriend. I do not have any regrets. I was about to kick my "get her back plan" into full gear (most likely would not have changed her mind) and that came to a screeching halt never to be resurrected again.
> 
> Just being honest with you,
> Stretch


That hasn't worked for me so far. I went out a couple of times with a very nice lady who understands what I'm going through and even said that she would be there for me for whatever I need (and I have only known her for a month) but when I'm out with her all I can think about is how I'd much rather be here with my ex wife. I even told my ex wife about her today and she replied with "Maybe she can be me. I hope she treats you better than I did." God, what a heartless b****! If she was really so concerned about how she's treated me post separation and divorce then why isn't she willing to give me another chance? I really wish I could hate her.


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## ExisaWAW

Hank, tough love coming here...

Stop torturing yourself. If you want some really tough love, read the Coping With Infidelity forum here. Those guys would chew & up & spit you out.

Do everything the people here have suggested. GAL/ 180, go completely dark with her and DO NOT communicate to her AT ALL.

It's unbelievable that she exited the marriage after 9 years just like that. But it happened. Just be lucky you didn't have any children with her, right?

The longer you give your love to someone who clearly doesn't deserve it or want it, you will be miserable.

Do you really want to be in pain another year from now or longer?

C'mon man! I know this is hard, I went through it too. You can make it. Just tough it out.

Focus on your job search. Start getting some new friends (try not to talk about your ex to them if you can) and change your life.

I wish I could tell you something else that would snap you out of this funk.

Think of a line. On one end is denial, co-dependence, & misery. In the middle is "The Fog" & limbo. At the other end is Acceptance. Acceptance is your goal. You are clearly in The Fog. Keep moving towards Acceptance.

Good luck & God Bless!


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## hank_rea

I was thinking this morning about an abused wife. When her man hits her, afterwards he usually apologizes but a little while later, he does it again. This continues for months, even years. Once that lady finally musters up the courage to leave him it's pretty much iron clad. I never hit my wife, but I did constantly do things that hurt her and promised to not repeat them. I'd keep my word for a bit, then slide back into my routine. I would often ask myself, "why WOULD she want me back?" And yes, she did once say that she was treating me poorly so that I would leave her alone and get on with my life. (then later she says she did it because she was still upset with me....is she crazier than I am?) All the proof I needed was right in front of me the whole time, but I just refused to accept it. I can even understand why she isn't willing to risk getting involved with me again. I've done a poor job of representing myself, exhibiting the same behavior that drove her away in the first place. God, this sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch

Hank,

You have to turn this to something positive. You are torturing yourself and you might actually be making things worse.

Look, I missed the signals too. My WAW flat out told me she was lonely, stopped sleeping in our bed and more. What good does it do me to agonize over something I cannot change. I wrote some letters, NEVER TO BE MAILED, so I understood my mistakes but the best I can do is to not make those mistakes in the future whoever I am with. It might be my wife, it might be my girlfriend, I don't care because I cannot make their decisions for them.

Don't live the life of regret, use your mistakes to become the best partner you can be. It is forward looking and hopeful. There are a lot of beautiful caring women out there and one or many of them is going to be the lucky recipient of the gift you give to yourself, positive lasting change.

Best of luck brother you can do it,
Stretch


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## hank_rea

At times, I was very cold to her. She was very sensitive and would cry at the drop of a hat, so when she cried, I just figured it was nothing serious. I would often drive her to tears and think nothing at all of it. I never really gave much thought about her happiness...I was very selfish. There was this place she liked to go and eat, but I hated it. Eventually she promised not to ask me to take her there anymore, but she would go with her family or friends. I figured that would be good enough. Well, one night she wanted to go and I let her go there alone. The place is like 40 minutes one way. Plus, you sit there for about 30 minutes before you eat. She acted like everything was fine. Gave me a kiss before she left and seemed happy when she got home. Still, I should have never let her go there by herself. 

There were other things. I would often deny her sex. She flat out told me that when I did that it made her feel bad, but I didn't ever pay it any mind. Other times I would just act like I didn't want to be with her. Thinking back on this, it's no wonder she doesn't want to try again. I was a real pr#ck. Now sitting in the victim chair....truth be told, the only reason I treated her this way was because she allowed it, plus I was so arrogant I believed she would never leave me. Well, now the joke is on me. 

Changing the subject a little bit, my ex wife told me that she went through with the divorce because she was mad at me, not because she was finished with me and didn't want anything to do with me. That seems like a very odd thing to say. Especially after what she told me later that day. I dunno....maybe if I would have just backed off she would have come around eventually. I'm certain that whatever positive feelings she had left for me are long gone now, though.


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## hank_rea

No. Well, I am but I haven't been to one of their live meetings yet...only spoken with a few of the members in chat rooms.


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## hank_rea

It's just like a club or something. They have online meet-ups every week and dinners every month.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abcl06735

Just keep thinking about her faults. That's a good one.

Thinking about all the s**t you won't have to put up with anymore can be very healing.


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## lifeistooshort

Hank, I've read many of your other posts and I really think a lot of the reason you're having such a hard time moving on is that you're in denial about how happy you actually were in your marriage. In the same way some people rewrite their marital history for the worse, you have rewritten yours for the better. The manner in which you treated your wife suggests you weren't all that happy, so either your marriage wasn't that great or you're a controlling, sociopathic [email protected] Heck, you even admitted you were ashamed to be seen with her; does that sound like a happily married man? I'm going to assume you're generally a good guy so that leaves the not that happy in the marriage option. You didn't want sex, didn't wasn't to spend any time with her, and were ashamed to be seen with her. What did you get out of that marriage besides feeling superior? If you really considered whether you were that happy I bet you'd find you weren't, and that might help you move forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

2ntnuf said:


> This above post reads like a little tough love, hank.
> 
> Sorry if I made you feel worse. I did go back and read the first couple threads you started. I got the main points out of them. This point is valid, also.
> 
> I absolutely would not label you a "controlling sociopathic [email protected]". I am not qualified to do that. That's not healthy for someone in your state of mind to read. I'm sorry if you took my posts that way.



Just to be clear, I wasn't labeling him like that either. The whole point of my post is that he's basically a good guy that wasn't all that happy in his marriage. If you just read about his behavior during the marriage though it's a conclusion you could reach. I'm assuming it's not the case. So why would he still be obsessing about a marriage that made him so unhappy that he behaved like that?
ize=1]_Posted via Mobile Device_[/size]


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## hank_rea

Yeah, I've thought about that as well. I don't think the problem was with her at all, though....it was me and my lack of self esteem. We were just so different physically I always thought people were staring at us or ridiculing us everywhere we went. I never felt comfortable. And, the sex...well, without getting too graphic, it was basically like this: when we first met, she was very aggressive sexually and asked for it often. Like any guy, I loved it. But as time went on she started asking for it less and I don't know why, but I didn't like asking for sex. I wanted her to ask so that I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that she wanted it. And when she stopped asking, I would turn to porn. I got addicted. It was so bad that when she actually did ask for sex, I couldn't perform, so I turned her down. 

The spending time with her...well, I'm a video gamer. She's not that into it. I'm not all that sociable so I would visit video game message boards and chat with fellow gamers. I didn't really have anyone else to share that common interest with. The problem is that I let it interfere with the time I should have been spending with my wife. I'd be on the computer and she'd be in the bedroom. She would call to me and tell me to get off the computer but I would either tell her that I'd be there in a minute or flat out tell her no. Then, when she went to sleep and I wasn't yet tired, I would get on the computer again. She had asked me to stop doing that (because she figured I was surfing for porn..and admittedly sometimes I was) but of course, being the great guy I am, I ignored her. 

If I wasn't happy in the marriage it was because of me. She had her faults but for the most part she was a great wife. Yeah, our situation was very unique and sort of ****** up with all the racial stuff, but I honestly didn't mind that stuff. I never met her parents and didn't want to. I did feel bad when her brother died, though and wished I could have attended his funeral. I honestly did want to be there for her through that. 

Toward the end of our marriage, I started to "get it". I had stopped looking at porn, started coming into the bedroom and spending more time with her and tried to do some of the things I used to do for her when we first met. By that time, I guess it was just too late, though. I could tell things weren't quite right and it felt more like we were roomates than husband and wife. Still, as I've said before, I thought that's just the way it was supposed to be when you were with someone for an extended period of time. Horrible examples of long term couples I had to go by, where as she has a sister that has been married for about 30 years, a brother that has been married about that long and her mother has been with her stepfather for a long time, too. I guess they never talk about any of the problems that they have to her because she's under the impression that their marriages are all perfect. Hell, maybe they are. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself, but she was my first serious relationship. I just didn't know how to treat a companion. I acted more like she was my buddy than my wife. 

Yeah, about that 12 step program, I should see about that. I think I became addicted to my wife. I didn't have any friends...I would actually scoff at the thought of meeting people because I figured I had everything I needed at my house. I was married to a loving woman who took great care of me. I didn't need anybody else in my life. This included my family....I mean, I would call them on their birthdays and the holidays, but I became completely disconneced from them. I was just in my own personal little bubble and didn't really care about anyone on the outside. And now she's gone and I'm forced to go cold turkey. It's rough, man. I often feel like killing myself, but I know I don't have the guts to do it (plus guns are so expensive...I am way too chicken to try poisoning or drowning myself) Plus, there's that whole "going to hell" thing. Those thoughts only creep up when I'm at my lowest points (I thought about it several times yesterday) 

I'm going to stop writing now. This has been way too long already.


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## hank_rea

Yes. I definitely need some kind of professional help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

The worst part about this is that she doesn't miss me at all. She sits around in the house that we shared for 9 years like it's nothing. That really hurts. I'm here ready to just give up on everything and she feels no sense of loss whatsoever. I guess that should make sense since she was the one who wanted out, but thinking about it makes me feel worse than I already do. I really just want to run away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

It's funny...the other night when she told me there was no way we would ever be getting back together, she accused me of just "telling her what she wanted to hear" when I said I knew exactly what to do and what not to do to make her happy. And I know for a fact that I wouldn't ever hurt her again. It seems she was the one just telling me what I wanted to hear for years in our marriage, though. Crap like "I'll never let you go" and "When I saw you, I knew you were the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with". Yeah, right. When I said those things to her I meant them from the bottom of my heart. I really wish I could hate her. 

EDIT: as I was typing this, she texted me asking if I took the jumper cables. I guess her ears were burning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

Talking to her definitely makes it worse. If she texts me again, I'm going to ignore it. I can't keep living like this.


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## familyfirst09

I'm where you are but constantly remind myself that he doesn't love me so its his loss. Would have been 16 years today, a waste. But as you can see and read, it does get better and easier. I still have a lot of reconciliation fantasies myself but its not gonna happen and they will fade away. Let yourself hurt, cry, be mad, but you gotta pick yourself up and move on. I read this elsewhere and I also have a pic on my phone of it as well "you'll never find the right one if you don't let go of the wrong one". She's the wrong one. She doesn't love you. That's not your fault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PreRaphaelite

hank_rea said:


> Talking to her definitely makes it worse. If she texts me again, I'm going to ignore it. I can't keep living like this.


Hank: Stop talking to her. STOP TALKING TO HER!! If you ever want to reach that state of mind where you have overcome your dependency on her, do it.

THink of yourself as an addict. You've been living off the drug that is her all these years and you're scared to death to get off it, because if you do the escape, the false reality is gone and the real reality sets in. 

Have courage. Let her go. She's out of your life and quit acting as if she's still part of it. WHen she messages you or calls you, don't answer unless it's necessary. Keep your contacts with her entirely business-like and start learning to direct your emotional energy elsewhere.

You say that you've been out with this other woman a couple of times. Well then, take a step back and look at _her_ for who she is rather than looking at her through the the cracked lens of your ex-wife. She isn't your ex-wife. Admit it, accept it, and realize that since she isn't, that's a wonderful thing! 

It's time to man up. Go dark on your ex, meanwhile, you have a life to live.


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## hank_rea

Thank you....all of you for your caring words. Well, tomorrow I'm supposed to eat dinner with that divorce support group. I've never been much of a "people person" so I'm nervous, but I'm going to go through with it. I also e-mailed a psychologist who specializes in grief and loss....hopefully he can get back to me and we can set up an appointment soon. 

I don't know if I said anything about this before, but when my ex and I split she kept me on her insurance and cell phone plan. She's dropping me from her insurance this month and the cell phone she won't be able to drop me from until September or she'll have to pay a $250 disconnect fee, and since she only has her income now, that's a bit steep (boohoo for her) I could put the phone in my name and she wouldn't have to pay the fee, but I'm low on funds right now myself. I told her this and she said that she understood. Well, today she texts me telling me that the house phone has been disconnected. I'm thinking, "now why in the world is she telling me this? she knows we never use that number anymore and to be perfectly honest with you I don't even remember the phone number." Then I thought about it for a second and thought she must be trying to lay a guilt trip on me. Heh...fat chance with that. She could have kept our combined incomes and wouldn't have had any trouble paying her bills if she had only been willing to try and work things out. But, no, she figured she was done with me and threw me away. I was glad to hear that she's run into a bit of trouble and honestly I hope she starts losing a lot more in the coming months. Yeah, I'm being bitter and petty but I don't care. Now she doesn't have any internet access except for on her precious cell phone.


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## hank_rea

Isn't the no contact rule supposed to help you get over your ex? Then, why does not having contact with her just make me miss her more? Does it get easier with time? All I keep thinking about is that old saying about absence making the heart grow fonder....yeah, it's working for me.


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## crosshatch

Hey Hank, been reading your thread and I really feel for you. I was with my wife 19 years, married for the last 9 when she left me very suddenly last August. As far as I was concerned we were very happily married and had no idea she had 'fallen out of love with me 5 or 6 years earlier'. I had exactly the same issues as you for the first few weeks where I was hurting like hell and yet she seemed so icy cool and almost robotic about the ending of our 19 year relationship. After reading posts on this site I followed the no contact rule and after our mediation meeting last October to sort our finances I have had no contact with her apart from a few text messages back and forth regarding the sale of our house.

After 19 years together it is absolutley unbelieveable to think I have now not spoken to her or even phyiscally seen her for over 6 months but it was definitely the right thing for me to do. I was still seeing her parents regularly until February (we were very close) but then they revealed to me she had moved in with another man (when she left me she admitted she had deveoped feelings for another man although she insisted nothing had happened). I cant deny it really hurt when I found out and I have since had to also stop contact with her parents which is a real shame because they are great people but everytime I went to see them at their house I would see new photos of my stbxw without me and realised before long there would be photos of her with the new guy - felt like I was being replaced in their family and I was just torturing myself. 

After a few days I picked myself up and moved on. Things are getting easier, it has been 9 months now and I cant deny I still think about her every day but because of the 'no contact rule' I have had to develop my other relationships with my friends and family and I now see how important these relationships are and I try to focus on them. I still have setbacks and bad days but thier support and the support of people on these posts are really helping me through this. Keep going mate.


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## hank_rea

Had a moment of weakness yesterday. Things went great at the support group dinner. I actually actually enjoyed myself for the first time since my ordeal started. It was great sitting and talking in person with other people who know exactly what I'm going through. Well, I know I shouldn't even care about these things at this point, but every time I tell my story people always say, "she had been planning this (divorcing me) for a while...you can't get divorce papers that fast." So, I texted her and asked her about it. She still claims that she did everything on March 14 (our divorce was final on April 15) I also told her that I had been let go from my temp job yesterday. She said she was sorry. I then asked her why she told me about the house phone being cut off. She said it was because she had been getting calls from this area code. She took a long time to respond to this question, though...I don't know if she was talking to someone else or perhaps looking up my area code or what...like I said, I shouldn't even be concerning myself with these things, but I just had to ask. She then said she was going to bed and I thanked her for answering my questions and apologized for disturbing her. She said I wasn't disturbing her. I then told her good night and she returned it. 

Ugh....I feel like the small progress I made yesterday is all gone now. I really need to stop contacting her. I don't even know whether or not I can believe a word she says. It was completely pointless.



crosshatch said:


> Hey Hank, been reading your thread and I really feel for you. I was with my wife 19 years, married for the last 9 when she left me very suddenly last August. As far as I was concerned we were very happily married and had no idea she had 'fallen out of love with me 5 or 6 years earlier'. I had exactly the same issues as you for the first few weeks where I was hurting like hell and yet she seemed so icy cool and almost robotic about the ending of our 19 year relationship. After reading posts on this site I followed the no contact rule and after our mediation meeting last October to sort our finances I have had no contact with her apart from a few text messages back and forth regarding the sale of our house.
> 
> After 19 years together it is absolutley unbelieveable to think I have now not spoken to her or even phyiscally seen her for over 6 months but it was definitely the right thing for me to do. I was still seeing her parents regularly until February (we were very close) but then they revealed to me she had moved in with another man (when she left me she admitted she had deveoped feelings for another man although she insisted nothing had happened). I cant deny it really hurt when I found out and I have since had to also stop contact with her parents which is a real shame because they are great people but everytime I went to see them at their house I would see new photos of my stbxw without me and realised before long there would be photos of her with the new guy - felt like I was being replaced in their family and I was just torturing myself.
> 
> After a few days I picked myself up and moved on. Things are getting easier, it has been 9 months now and I cant deny I still think about her every day but because of the 'no contact rule' I have had to develop my other relationships with my friends and family and I now see how important these relationships are and I try to focus on them. I still have setbacks and bad days but thier support and the support of people on these posts are really helping me through this. Keep going mate.


Did your ex wife tell you that she wanted to be alone? One of the guys at the divorce support group dinner told me that my ex told me that as a way of passing off blame for our failed marriage. She says she is done with relationships for a while because she doesn't want to be hurt again. Thing is, I don't really think that's the case. Thinking back on how I treated her a lot of the time, I think she is genuinely hurt by all of this, and rightly so. I just wish she could find it in her heart to let me make it up to her. If indeed she was being truthful to me about the reasons she wanted out of our marriage then I know I can be a much better man for her if she would only give me the chance. Unfortunately, I can't make that decision for her.  I just feel like having this knowledge that I wouldn't have otherwise been able to see is wasted if I can't use it to get back together with the love of my life. I know I'm supposed to use this for another relationship, but I don't even want to think about other women.


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## ExisaWAW

Hi Hank. No, you can't believe a word she says. Please try harder not to contact her. She doesn't deserve you. By the way, you may want to read up on codependency and separation anxiety. I believe you may be suffering from one or both of these. Hey, it's completely natural given your sitch & how quickly your D happened to be suffering from separation anxiety.

As for codependency, I have this big-time. My wife was my entire world. Most of my friends were the husbands of her girlfriends. All the parties & cookouts we hosted were filled with couples whose wives were friends with my xW. 

Hang in there. Things will get better. Yes, it will take some time, but keep focusing on you. Keep posting here as well. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

ExisaWAW said:


> As for codependency, I have this big-time. My wife was my entire world. Most of my friends were the husbands of her girlfriends. All the parties & cookouts we hosted were filled with couples whose wives were friends with my xW.


I'm even worse off than you. Because I had my wife, I didn't even try to make friends. My wife was all I needed. Well, I guess that isn't entirely true...I did visit a lot of message boards because my wife wasn't into the same things I was hobby/entertainment-wise (we did share a lot of common interests, but I couldn't talk to her about everything) But I didn't even fraternize with women at work because of her. Not out of guilt, but because she was the only woman I wanted to have anything to do with. Unfortunately, that's still true.


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## EnjoliWoman

Hank, that really isn't healthy - everyone should have their own friends and activities. That's also a lot of pressure on someone - to be someone's everything. 

Definitely clubs that relate to your hobbies would be a good idea. What kind of things do you enjoy doing?


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## hank_rea

EnjoliWoman said:


> Hank, that really isn't healthy - everyone should have their own friends and activities. That's also a lot of pressure on someone - to be someone's everything.
> 
> Definitely clubs that relate to your hobbies would be a good idea. What kind of things do you enjoy doing?


Mostly referring to video games. She claims that's one of the problems she had with me...that all I cared about was video games. She may have had a valid gripe. As far as her being my everything, well, I would try and do things on my own like going to the movies and stuff when she was working but she would always get very upset. But, it was okay for her to go see a movie with her family without me....she says that's different. :scratchhead: I really don't understand her thinking sometimes....


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## ExisaWAW

Hank, I've been thinking about your sitch lately and wanted up offer my opinion. Would it be possible for you to throw away/ donate all the video games, get back into shape, and first & foremost get your career back on track?!

Seriously. It's kind of like the 180 you hear so much about here. Find some new, healthier hobbies like bike riding. Completely reinvent yourself. Once you have a really good job & kick the video game addiction, you may be healthy enough to reach out to your x & meet her for coffee. Don't have any expectations, just coffee & conversation. You could see where it goes from there. If this is something that you're interested in, you can use it for motivation on getting your life back on track. Just a thought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm

Hank, my divorce took TWO WEEKS, from start to finish! He couldnt get rid of me fast enough. Just letting you know that it happens that way to others.


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## hank_rea

ExisaWAW said:


> Hank, I've been thinking about your sitch lately and wanted up offer my opinion. Would it be possible for you to throw away/ donate all the video games, get back into shape, and first & foremost get your career back on track?!
> 
> Seriously. It's kind of like the 180 you hear so much about here. Find some new, healthier hobbies like bike riding. Completely reinvent yourself. Once you have a really good job & kick the video game addiction, you may be healthy enough to reach out to your x & meet her for coffee. Don't have any expectations, just coffee & conversation. You could see where it goes from there. If this is something that you're interested in, you can use it for motivation on getting your life back on track. Just a thought.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've barely touched my games since she and I split. I don't enjoy anything anymore. But yes, I do need to make some drastic changes to my life. And yeah, trying to reach out to her once I've cleaned up my act would probably be better than anything I've attempted recently, but my fear is that she will already be involved with someone else by the time that happens. I really NEED to just forget about her; realize and accept that it's over. Much easier said than done.


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## hank_rea

3Xnocharm said:


> Hank, my divorce took TWO WEEKS, from start to finish! He couldnt get rid of me fast enough. Just letting you know that it happens that way to others.


Wow. Where do you live? Here in Georgia it takes a month if it's uncontested.


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## 3Xnocharm

That was in Illinois.


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## ExisaWAW

hank_rea said:


> I've barely touched my games since she and I split. I don't enjoy anything anymore. But yes, I do need to make some drastic changes to my life. And yeah, trying to reach out to her once I've cleaned up my act would probably be better than anything I've attempted recently, but my fear is that she will already be involved with someone else by the time that happens. I really NEED to just forget about her; realize and accept that it's over. Much easier said than done.


I hear you. I agree that you need to forget about her but to me it doesn't look like that's working too well for your currently. That's why if, for now, you can focus on what you can control (yourself) & then worry about your xW later, then you'll get better, faster. 

As for her meeting someone else. Again, not in your control. Don't worry about it. Look, she fell in love with you once, it may happen again but not until you've gotten your life back together. First things first. Best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

So, for the first time since I've been split from my ex wife, I actually have feelings like I WANT to get her out of my life. It just donned on me....she came to the decision to divorce me in a mere two days after being together for nearly 9. I'm sure she had been thinking about it beforehand, but to just spring that up on me out of the blue was simply cold-hearted. Plus, she deceived me for at least a year. And also the way she's been treating me since this whole ordeal started. Why am I chasing after this woman? She clearly does not care about me one bit. She felt I was the problem and she got rid of me. Nine years and she just throws it away. I would have never done something like that to her. And if I can honestly say that about anyone, I don't want to be with them. 

Yeah, I'm probably just pissed off today and I can't guarantee that these feelings will stick (though I pray to God they do...I'm tired of being stuck in this damned denial state) and all of this stuff is blatantly obvious to anyone who has been following my story, but I think I'm finally starting to get it. I want this woman out of my life. It's the only way I'm going to get over her.


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## ExisaWAW

hank_rea said:


> So, for the first time since I've been split from my ex wife, I actually have feelings like I WANT to get her out of my life. It just donned on me....she came to the decision to divorce me in a mere two days after being together for nearly 9. I'm sure she had been thinking about it beforehand, but to just spring that up on me out of the blue was simply cold-hearted. Plus, she deceived me for at least a year. And also the way she's been treating me since this whole ordeal started. Why am I chasing after this woman? She clearly does not care about me one bit. She felt I was the problem and she got rid of me. Nine years and she just throws it away. I would have never done something like that to her. And if I can honestly say that about anyone, I don't want to be with them.
> 
> Yeah, I'm probably just pissed off today and I can't guarantee that these feelings will stick (though I pray to God they do...I'm tired of being stuck in this damned denial state) and all of this stuff is blatantly obvious to anyone who has been following my story, but I think I'm finally starting to get it. I want this woman out of my life. It's the only way I'm going to get over her.


Anger is part of the process. Hang in there. It's better than denial.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ExisaWAW

ExisaWAW said:


> Anger is part of the process. Hang in there. It's better than denial.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Btw, it took a year after my D was final, but I just dropped off ALL pics I had of my xW to my MiL's. Wedding pics, birth of our girls (with her in it). EVERYTHING.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

I did that within the first day. I got rid of a bunch of clothes that she bought me, a stuffed teddy bear that I used to keep in my car that she bought me one Valentine's Day and every card she gave to me. It didn't really help, though, as you can see. The only thing she gave me that I kept were the divorce papers.


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## crosshatch

Hi Hank, it was slightly diifferent for me because I knew there was another man on the scene despite my stbxw telling me she needed time by herself to `sort her head out`. However after an initial few weeks when I thought if I begged and pleaded she would come back I realised my only real option was no contact.
Like you I felt decieved when she left. She told me she hadnt loved me for approx 5 years yet had put on a 'happy face' all that time because she didnt want to hurt me. She apparently wasnt brave enough to tell me the truth yet left our 19 year relationship within 4 days of this other guy telling her he was in love with her!!
It is still early days for you but the 'anger' stage felt better for me than still yearing for her. Like you I felt she was my world and I had never looked at another woman whilst I was with her so attempting to move on from her felt alien to me.
Yet a combination of the no contact rule and the anger made me stronger, more determined (and slightly bitter in all honesty) but also really aided the healing process. I am not there yet and you are at a much earlier stage than me but every day will help - trust me and keep getting the support from the divorce group and the people from this site because their support can help you through this.


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## hank_rea

I just don't see how these women do this crap to someone they spent so much time with. I really need to go full on no contact with my ex. I had to talk to her today via text to get me off of her auto insurance. She was getting short with me and I told her that I was doing this to save her some money (I wasn't supposed to be officially dropped until the end of the month) and that she shouldn't be giving me crap. She apologized and said she was having a bad few days. I just ignored it and got the info I needed to finish my transaction. Later, I began feeling a bit bad about not inquiring about her bad days...honestly, I thought I should just blow it off. I've had a bad two months! And she not once ever called or texted me to simply see how I was doing. But no, I was going to be the bigger person. I later asked her what was wrong and she said she had been thinking about her brother a lot lately (he died in a motorcycle accident earlier this year) I tried as best I could to try and console her. I gave her advice that I had been given: try not to spend too much time alone, talk to people...don't keep it bottled up, pray for strength, tell the people who are still here how important they are to you and tell them often, and cry when you need to. I told her I would be praying for her and I hope things get better. 

I feel weak for doing this, but it was the right thing to do. I'm not like her. I don't just turn my back on people. We have nothing else to talk about now, though. It's time to finally end this.


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## hank_rea

It's a day to day thing. I'm not nearly as irate as I was yesterday. But, still, I am determined not to check up on her anymore. She wanted me out of her life, and that's what I'm going to give her. I did what I told her I was going to and I feel good about that. I don't have time to worry about her problems, anyway....I've got enough of my own right now.


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## ExisaWAW

Putting yourself first after an entire life of putting your spouse and family first can be strange at first but it's an important step in the right direction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch

Hank,

Can you share some of the things you are doing for YOU? We care about you not her.

Let's hear some ME milestones from you. It will help you heal buddy.

Thinking about you,
Stretch


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## hank_rea

So, here's an update:

Had a lot of ups and downs these past few weeks (mostly downs). Went to see a therapist this week. He mostly just listened to my story and offered some tips to help me try and cope, nothing really I haven't already heard a thousand times on here, but he phrased certain things in a way that really hit home. Like, he said in trying to get back my wife, I'm pursuing the very thing that put me in this misery in the first place. It's really a "duh!" type of thing, but dammit if that didn't really resonate with me...at the moment, at least. I felt good about the session, but the next day all the progress I had made went right out the window.

For some reason, I got the idea to unblock my ex, her mother and one of her friends from Facebook. I didn't really see anything provocative, but the friend posted something like, "Today is a great day!" and the ex followed up with, "It sure is!!". I'm like, wtf? What's she got to be so happy about? Then I see the friend with comments about meeting up at some bar or some crap...the ex says, "I'll be off in 30 minutes" which earns a like. Another friend comments, "Get down here, girl!" That just burned me up. I'm here in misery and she's seemingly having the time of her life. 

Needless to say, I wound up contacting her  I asked her if she got a tattoo she had with my initials on it covered up (she sent me a text saying that she got a tattoo of her brother, sent me a picture of it with her topless..the tattoo was on her back...of course I'm wondering just who the hell took the picture??!) She said that she hadn't YET because she couldn't afford it. She wanted to get the tattoo in honor of her brother first. She insisted that she would "Eventually probably get it covered up." The rest was my same old unsuccessful song and dance, I even faked crying at one point, which lead her to tears as well. I told her about how much I was suffering and how difficult this was for me. I asked her if she's still so upset with me, why does she even talk to me? She told me, "Cuz you're going through all this and it's my fault." Basically out of guilt. I asked her if she missed me (we have been apart for 2 months) and she said she thinks about me sometimes in a "I wonder how he's doing.." type of way, but never in the sense of her wanting me back. She says my behavior is still too fresh on her mind. I then dig myself further into the hole by asking her if she would reconsider seeing me if I gave her 3 months of uninterruped peace. She said she didn't know. The rest of the conversation saw me pretty much babbling with her not even responding to most of what I said until she finally had enough and explained that she needed to wake up early for work in the morning. I then let her go.

The next day I went back to the Facebook page :crazy: and saw a picture of her with a bunch of people I had never seen before. It looked like it was taken at a bar. She looked great! She had to have lost at least 50 pounds. This made me feel even worse. So, AGAIN I contacted her. I accused her of leaving me because she started to think she was too good for me and that she's having the time of her life now that I'm gone. She says she only works and goes home, so I bring up the stuff I saw on Facebook. She says that she goes and eats with those people because they're her brother's friends and that they help her to not miss him as much. I ask her who took the picture of her back and she says it was her sister-in-law...she got a tat as well. I ask since when they got so close and she said they both miss him (her brother and sister-in-law separated a few months before he died) I reply that she probably regrets leaving him now and that you don't know what you got till it's gone...truly gone. Then, I just start really laying it on thick. I tell my ex that she never loved me because if she did, she wouldn't have let this happen. She replies, "If you loved me, you wouldn't have neglected me" That infuriates me, so I tell her that we both did things we shouldn't have but I never hit her or cheated on her...we should have been able to work through anything. She used to tell me things like, "I'll never let you go." and "We're going to spend the rest of our lives together", and when I said those things to her, I meant them. She obviously was just telling me what I wanted to hear.

I went and took a shower and cooled off. I tried to apologize and she replied with, "Just stop and give me the time" I managed to make even more of a fool out of myself by telling her that I wasn't going to contact her anymore and that if she ever felt that she wanted to try again, she would have to contact me. Like it was ever my call in the first place. She didn't reply. I have since deleted my Facebook account (which is pointless because all you have to do to reactivate it is log in) and plan to stick to no contact this time. A guy from the divorce support group said that I shouldn't try to tackle "forever"...to just tell myself, "I'm not going to contact her today." And to tell myself this every day. Also, that I should put a note in my pocket that says, "Don't call her, dummy!" and to pull it out every time I get the urge. I have completely wasted the two months I've been separated from my ex wife. I am determined to not falter again. I have truly done everything in my power to try and "win" her back...and nothing has worked. Of course, it would have helped if I had actually been using the expert-proven methods, but I'm hard-headed...and probably insane right now. No will power and I let my emotions cloud my judgement. I just want the hurt to go away. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I want to be happy again.


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## 3Xnocharm

Hank, no offense intended here. BUT... I cannot believe she even talks to you, with the way you act! You say you want to be happy again, well then STOP THE CONTACT! All you do is beg and act like a child. YES she is out there living a happy life, that is her right! It is also YOUR right, so get to it! I did the SAME THING with my ex and finally figured out that I was only making myself look like a pathetic ass! He isnt going to want that! (even though his wife is a bigger piece of sh!t than I could ever even THINK about being!) I was making myself look weak and stupid, and his half assed replies finally got that message through to me. If he wants me, he knows how to find me, and with the disgusting choices he has made, I probably wouldnt even take him back any more. You have to LET IT GO. Learn from this experience and do a better job with your next relationship. I know I have learned A LOT from my experience. Your current unhappiness is on YOUR shoulders, not hers.


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## hank_rea

It's like I was riding down the street on a bicycle on a nice spring evening, then out of nowhere a car side-swipes me. I still can't believe this is real. She shouldn't get to live a "happy life" after robbing me of mine. Sorry, but that's just how I feel. I lost everything because of her. EVERYTHING. And she gets to go on about her merry way without a care in the world. But yeah, I do need to cut all communication with her. It's not helping me whatsoever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm

hank_rea said:


> It's like I was riding down the street on a bicycle on a nice spring evening, then out of nowhere a car side-swipes me. I still can't believe this is real. She shouldn't get to live a "happy life" after robbing me of mine. Sorry, but that's just how I feel. I lost everything because of her. EVERYTHING. And she gets to go on about her merry way without a care in the world. But yeah, I do need to cut all communication with her. It's not helping me whatsoever.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Trust me, I feel exactly the same way. At least she didnt leave you for someone else lower on the food chain like mine did. I also have the added humiliation of them being old schoolmates of mine (he was my first love way back in elem school, they had been together since jr high before they divorced) so our old classmates see them posting pictures and crap on Facebook, continuing their phony happiness like they have always done. Our 25 year reunion is next month, and I am not attending because they are going. Not only is that humiliating for me, but it would make me physically sick to watch their phony act and everyone fall for it, thinking they are the golden couple.  If you want to see why I'm so bitter, read my story. I am finding that by not talking with him, I am realizing some peace. Not a lot yet, but its getting there. I think about revenge A LOT. But then I tell myself that those two dont deserve that effort from me, and it would probably only end in me looking like an idiot. But yeah. They are no longer my problem. I have been so in love with him through all this, and I think that maybe those feelings are starting to fade away some, as the anger and resentment is settling in. Whatever it is, not talking to him is helping me.


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## hank_rea

Thank you for your posts, 3x. Just when I think my situation is as bad as it gets, someone on here one-ups me. 

No, but seriously, I do appreciate your input. Really helps put things into perspective. I simply had become addicted to my ex wife. And now that she is gone, I'm going through withdrawals. I don't smoke or drink, but I definitely have a vice. I honestly don't wish any ill will upon her, I just wish she felt _SOMETHING_. I suppose if I go by what she says, she does feel a bit guilty about how things turned out, but not guilty enough to give me another chance. All I remember are good times, she is focusing on the bad. I know I was far from perfect...hell, I'd go so far as saying I was a bad husband at times. The problems that she says sealed the deal for her could have been so easily fixed if she had just sat me down and talked to me. It still feels like I can "fix" this. But I can't do anything if she's not willing to let me back into her heart, or at least just let her guard down enough for me to make an attempt at it. I guess with my track record, I can't blame her. I would say I'd do something, stick with it for a few weeks, then stop doing it again. I'm still doing it. I probably have the wrong goal in mind here, but perhaps the only way to truly prove myself to her is to honor my promise. To just let her be...it should help me as well, but not if I have the mindset that this is to win her back. I have to try to detatch. Hopefully not talking to her and going "cold turkey", regardless of the reason for it, will finally let me find some kind of peace with this horrible situation. 

It's time to stop just reading posts on here and actually start listening to the advice I'm being given. I have wasted 2 months chasing after someone who doesn't want to be chased. Perhaps one day she will find that she wants to give me another chance, but I won't hold my breath. This is the same woman who within a week of knowing me said she thinks she's falling in love with me, and took two days to decide she wanted to divorce me. She's not the type to need a lot of time to think. Maybe it's my behavior that's killing her image of me, but if it's been two months since she's seen me and she doesn't miss me yet, she's probably not going to miss me. Unless she just doesn't want to tell me....but she sounded pretty sincere over the phone. Who knows? At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. She could be crying her eyes out for me every night, but if she is still keeping that barrier up that's preventing me from getting any sort of ground, the end result remains the same. She simply doesn't want me anymore.


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## Hoosier

Hank.....hang in there dude! I have been where you are and then some. My xw moved from my house into the POSOM house just down the street, divorced me in 82 days and married him. He was my friend for 20 years. I was married 30 years when this happened. Never even saw it coming! This was July of 2011, not quite two years ago. I spend 6 months in a blur, trying to figure out HOW she could do this, WHY she did it, I had to rework my entire thinking from we to me. Not easy to do. But #1 thing is to go No Contact! completely! I use to drive by their house occassionally to see what is up. Always afterward I felt like crap! You have to ask yourself, what did ******* (driving by, looking at FB, asking people about her..etc) it do for me? Nothing! but made me feel horrible, depressed. Someone said, one step at a time! thats what it is all about. Even if you take that step in a half daze, its still a step! Take care of yourself! do something fun! it does get better, it takes awhile, and flashbacks to occur, but it does get better! Post here often, read and take the advice.. So sorry you are here. You will make it!!!


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## hank_rea

Nothing is really fun right now, but I get what you're saying. I'm just going to have to kick the habit. Get used to not texting or calling her. It's so damn hard, though. I miss her terrbily. She's all I ever think about and I want nothing more than her by my side again. Unfortunately, you can't always get what you want. Perhaps this is what I need. Hopefully I can somehow learn to not be so dependent on others.


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## ExisaWAW

Hank buddy. Your fog is about as thick as it comes. Two words man.. NO CONTACT. 

You will continue to torture yourself unless you shake her. She's an unhealthy, unworthy addiction. I know. I've been there. It took me over a year after our D. She moved on like our 14 years & two children never happened. I pined & pined,& I put myself through hell. 

I finally woke up. I hope you do too. Godspeed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

After a second day of no contact (had to start over after my episode...small steps, right? :smthumbup: ) something donned on me: why exactly WOULD my ex want me back or miss me? I think of how I treated her: I was irritable, inconsiderate, unappreciative, selfish and in some cases, just downright mean. She used to always say, "I guess I can't do anything right!" and at the time, I thought it was just her being a drama queen, but in actuality, I was extremely critical of EVERYTHING she did. She probably didn't even feel like she could be herself around me without fear of ridicule. It's probably a relief to not have to deal with that anymore, plus I keep adding fuel to the fire by pressuring her to take me back. 

I know she wasn't perfect, but I fully realize and take responsibility for my part in this. I do want her back, and if she can somehow find it in her heart to give me another chance, I am determined to be the man I should have during our marriage. If not, then I guess I should just consider our 9 years together as a learning experience of how NOT to treat the person you claim to "love with all your heart". It's kind of embarrassing, but at 25, she was my first ever serious relationship. I guess I needed some practice under my belt before stepping up to the adult table. I've tried explaining this to her, but she can't see past the hurt. I don't blame her.


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## ExisaWAW

Agreed Zappy. Like Hank, I worshipped my ex. It still wasn't enough. The WAS only care about themselves. They rarely look back or even care about how much their ex loves/ misses them. I got tired of pining for mine. Why I would want back someone who committed adultery with no remorse & just wanted a D to chase her MLC & find "happiness" for herself, not caring about the impact to me or our girls?

My fog has finally lifted. She's not worthy of my love. I wish the same for Hank. 

Hank, these things happen "in God's time". Try not to question it. Know this. God wants you to be happy. You've made your feelings known to your ex. Now let her go & let God do the work in her life that He needs to do. In the meantime, live the best life possible. Be happy. Everything will fall into place. If it was meant to be, God will bring you back together. But she must pursue you. Of this I am certain. My pastors have convinced me of this. God bless you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

zappy 882000 said:


> Hank- Your love and devotion to your wife bring tears to my eyes.
> 
> Lord bless you.
> 
> Zappy


Yeah.....it's only too bad I didn't realize just how much she meant to me until it was too late.



ExisaWAW said:


> Agreed Zappy. Like Hank, I worshipped my ex. It still wasn't enough. The WAS only care about themselves. They rarely look back or even care about how much their ex loves/ misses them. I got tired of pining for mine. Why I would want back someone who committed adultery with no remorse & just wanted a D to chase her MLC & find "happiness" for herself, not caring about the impact to me or our girls?
> 
> My fog has finally lifted. She's not worthy of my love. I wish the same for Hank.
> 
> Hank, these things happen "in God's time". Try not to question it. Know this. God wants you to be happy. You've made your feelings known to your ex. Now let her go & let God do the work in her life that He needs to do. In the meantime, live the best life possible. Be happy. Everything will fall into place. If it was meant to be, God will bring you back together. But she must pursue you. Of this I am certain. My pastors have convinced me of this. God bless you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I pretty much have no choice right now. If I don't leave her alone, I'll never get her back, and if I don't leave her alone, I'll never get over her. The latter is the most important right now. I'm tired of living this way. I haven't not spoken to my ex wife for more than 7 days in the past 9 years. I think if I can just make it for 2 weeks no contact, that would be a huge move for me....and no I'm not suggesting ONLY doing 2 weeks, I'm saying that's my goal right now. Small steps.


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## 3Xnocharm

Hank, if you think it would help you, you can PM me and I will give you my cell #...you can text me instead of her if the urge strikes you. I have a friend who I do this with when I get the urge to text my XH. If not me, then see if a friend of your will let you do this.


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## ExisaWAW

hank_rea said:


> Yeah.....it's only too bad I didn't realize just how much she meant to me until it was too late.


Don't be so hard on yourself. I think your guilt for not being as good a husband that you knew you were capable of is making your grieving process longer. Look, we all have flaws. You've outlined yours and "confessed" to her & to us.

Let it go, Hank. She had her flaws too, trust me (not withstanding the obvious betrayal, etc.).

She loved you Hank. She made the conscious choice to cheat, and then to not allow reconciliation to happen. It's on her.

Look, my married life was not perfect (whose is), but it was FAR better than the average marriage. Marriage takes work.

I just ran across a card my ex gave to me for our 10th anniversary (4 years ago now).

The Hallmark part said: "I love our life together. As parents & partners, we share everything- Each joy & each challenge that family can bring. As partners we live & we love side by side. As parents we give with our hearts open wide - And that's why there's nothing that I'd rather do than spend my forever together with you! Happy Anniversary. All my love, always.

And she wrote: Dear xxxx, Thank you for all the special things you do for me. Thank you for putting up with me. You're a wonderful husband & a wonderful Father. You always have the best in mind for our family. I know you're always thinking of me, (even when I feel like slapping you).  (just kidding!). Seriously! I know you always want the best for me. We have made an amazing family together. I know that I can always count on you & I'm so lucky to have you. Thank you for taking such good care of me. I'm so blessed to have you. I love you!

Love, xxxx

Happy 10 years!! I can't wait for our cruise! Party on!

So, I know my ex loved me. Something changed inside her. A selfishness took over. She succumbed to temptation. She had plenty of horrible women around her who no doubt encouraged her to do wrong. But at the end of the day, it was on her. Letting go of your guilt will set you free my friend. 

Hold your head up.


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## hank_rea

I just keep thinking back to trips to the grocery store, or even one of her birthdays when she was so excited just going to see a movie and have dinner at her favorite restaurant. I was so wrapped up in myself that I'm sure I made her feel guilty about "dragging" me along with her. And, as far as I know, my ex didn't cheat on me, though it would explain a few things. I had been googling based on my recent erratic behavior and apparently I have a love addiction. Or, as Conrad would say, co-dependency. ;p. I'm going to look around for specialists tomorrow. I'm sick of being stuck here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ExisaWAW

hank_rea said:


> I just keep thinking back to trips to the grocery store, or even one of her birthdays when she was so excited just going to see a movie and have dinner at her favorite restaurant. I was so wrapped up in myself that I'm sure I made her feel guilty about "dragging" me along with her. And, as far as I know, my ex didn't cheat on me, though it would explain a few things. I had been googling based on my recent erratic behavior and apparently I have a love addiction. Or, as Conrad would say, co-dependency. ;p. I'm going to look around for specialists tomorrow. I'm sick of being stuck here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



That's right, I had forgotten your ex didn't cheat (one of the few).

I think you have co-dependency & separation anxiety. Not sure what love addiction is though. Hang in there.


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## dscl

zappy 882000 said:


> therefore I will advise you NOT to call her atleast for 3-4 weeks, please do not commit the mistakes we all committed.
> 
> Let her miss you.
> 
> Lord Bless you.
> 
> Zappy


This statement rings so true to me. I made the same mistakes when my ex cheated and left me.

Hank, listen to what we are saying, don't go down the same path we did, there is nothing at the end of that road but more hurt.


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## ExisaWAW

dscl said:


> This statement rings so true to me. I made the same mistakes when my ex cheated and left me.
> 
> Hank, listen to what we are saying, don't go down the same path we did, there is nothing at the end of that road but more hurt.


:iagree:
Hank, please listen. I would give ANYTHING to have not pined over my x throughout the D & for nearly all of the year following our D. All I did was help support her emotionally while she got her sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere. Then, once she dated the same guy for 8+ months, he fulfilled her emotional needs & I got kicked to the curb... AGAIN!!

Friggin' torture!

Whether you'd take her back or not, staying away works. It will either get them missing you (because they cannot miss what they still have/ haven't lost) & they may take a second look, or if you don't want them back, your road to recovery will be A LOT easier by removing them from your life.


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## GettingBetter

How i wish I found TAM sooner. It would have saved me months of misery. 
These are the people who went thru almost the same thing... They know what they are talking about. Please listen to them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

Thank you all for your support. I really need that right now. Day number 3 (but man does it feel like 3 weeks). Wish me luck, friends.


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## GettingBetter

Good luck Hank!!! First steps are always the hardest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hope4family

Howdy Hank. 

In the name of Synthetic I bless you. 

I couldn't read through everything. Too much potential for triggers. But, I caught the most important thoughts. Let me just say this. 

I had a similar problem. Working out, didn't always work. I've wept while doing pushups, but I still did them. 

Remember as with most things in life. Healing requires you take your medicine, the time to heal is moment by moment one day at a time. The medicine sucks, but you will start to feel better in time. As you heal, you'll see it all for what it is.


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## Tryingtobreath

1. No contact. None. This will help you, although it will be hard. It will also give her time to process things and hopefully miss you. In time shell remember the good more than the bad. No Facebook stalking either. Only setbacks. 
2. Gym. Weights and moreso cardio. It will improve your mental well being And if the time does come when she sees you, hopefully she'll take a second look. Make it your mission to get into the best shape ever. And limit calories. This will help with stripping off body fat. Limit immensely carbs. (I'm a bodybuilder). Your goal isn't to pack on pounds, but to lean out and tone. 
3. Remember every time you contact her its a step backwards. You need to adhere to rule #1 above. TRUST US ON THAT. I waited 5 months and my ex contacted me for lunch randomly. I never responded. It's a waiting game and you need to find extreme patience and will power. 
4. Pray. I'm not too religious but it helps. I often broke out in tears praying. It's cathartic in some respects. 
5. Go back and read #1 above again. It's the golden rule right now. Don't sway yourself into thinking if you don't contact her shell be gone for good. She HAS to be able to miss you, and sadly enough that may only happen if she tries someone new in a relationship. Believe me she'll compare you two. 
6. Post here. Everyone has been thru this in some way, and we all know your pain all too well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

Number 5.....ugh.....the thought of her with someone else is almost too much for me, but I'm going to have to face it. I definitely don't expect her to remain single for 4 years like she told me.....honestly, I would not be surprised if she started dating by June. :sigh:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hope4family

hank_rea said:


> Number 5.....ugh.....the thought of her with someone else is almost too much for me, but I'm going to have to face it. I definitely don't expect her to remain single for 4 years like she told me.....honestly, I would not be surprised if she started dating by June. :sigh:
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is already dating. Put that thought in your mind, leave it there, accept it, and let it pass. 

My ex-wife left saying she wasn't going to date men in 1 year. 

Of course she also asked if I wouldn't be angry with her if she re-married within 2 years. As she looked up engagement rings for a "friend". 

She often has a different "guy friend" in her car almost every time I see her for a child swap. 

You must learn to let it all go now. Remember that you are the one in control of how you feel. Not other people. 

This quote from a meditation book I am reading really helped me with the pains of finding acceptance.
"I wish you happiness. I cannot control you or your actions. Nor am I responsible for your decisions. Just like I cannot control you, I will not let your choices and decisions control me."


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## hank_rea

Reality.....oye! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

One week nc....small steps, but progress....gonna kick this addiction if it kills me (and it might)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09

You will...we all will, some it takes longer than others. I'm on month 9 and it still kills me and I falter and second guess myself. It won't kill you, it will make you stronger. One moment at a time instead of one day at a time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

So, your ex wife did not initiate contact with you, either? I'm hoping that by around the 3 month mark it's engraved in my skull that she just isn't ever coming back. Right now, it's all I think about....even dream about her (it's strange, though...We're usually being intimate in the dreams but I always know we're not together). If the fantasies about reconciliation would stop, or at least slow down, I'd feel a helluva lot better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ExisaWAW

Are you working? It would be a lot easier to move in if you could keep your mind occupied with work. Keep busy & focus on you. Get into shape, focus on your career, be happy. The rest will fall into place. Hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

Hopefully I'll be starting work late this week or next week. I've had a couple of temp jobs since this whole mess started but I still wound up thinking about her. Someone would play a song on the radio that reminded me of "us" and I'd lose it. Lunch breaks and rides home are the worst, as I used to call my ex during these times every day when we were together. Yeah having a job will help some, but not much, I'm afraid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thumper

I'm glad I found this thread Hank, although now it feels 2.5 months too late. We must have been separated at birth or something. I'm only 3 months into my separation, but its not going good, and many of your emotions mirror my feelings. Even what has been said and done is almost a repeat.

Repeat to myself, its over, its over, its over.

I'm sorry im using your thread as a shortcut.

Sounds like your doing better and better, so theres hope for me too. Funny how every little comment, can be taken as some kind of positive in our minds, twisted.


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## hank_rea

Yeah I'm doing a little better. Been cying a lot lately....barely cried at all during the first month. That's good, I hear....getting all of that pain out. Little things that I miss about my wife don't bother me as badly as they once did, either, but it still feels like a huge hole exists in my life, one that I don't believe I will ever truly fill.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hope4family

hank_rea said:


> Yeah I'm doing a little better. Been cying a lot lately....barely cried at all during the first month. That's good, I hear....getting all of that pain out. Little things that I miss about my wife don't bother me as badly as they once did, either, but it still feels like a huge hole exists in my life, one that I don't believe I will ever truly fill.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You'll learn that hole was never filled by her to begin with. 

It was filled by you. 

Takes time. Did for me too, just less then others.


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## Stretch

Cry all you want Hank. It realeases toxins from your body.

Stay strong pal.

Hank Rea gone NC,
Hank Rea gone NC,
F her, gonna work on ME!

Stretch


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## hank_rea

So, another day passes.....

I really want to get to the point where I lose track of how many days its been since I last texted/called my ex wife. I'm noticing, though, that she feels more "distant" now...like a part of my past, the more I don't speak to her. I don't know if I feel her slipping away or if it's me subconsciously detaching....maybe a little from column a, a little from b. Dunno.....one thing for certain, I should have gone dark a long time ago. Yeah, it hurts a bit that she isn't reaching out to me, but if she did, it more than likely wouldn't be anything about "us", just some random garbage I couldn't care less about (example, she once texted me asking if I took the jumper cables when I left, and of course, I got giddy as a schoolgirl simply because she was contacting me *facepalm*). Plus, it makes it easier to tell myself that she just died rather than she dumped me. Sadly, that makes me feel better. 

I read Paradise's new thread today and it struck a nerve with me. This place has been great for me, but I think it's time I take a brief vacation from it. Like Paradise, I think reading all of these stories on here is just keeping me stuck in the same place....revisiting my own pain through similar circumstances. I don't think it's helping me right now. I won't be a stranger, though. Hopefully, when I come back I can be more "teacher" and less "disobedient student". 

Take care, guys....and thank you all for your help and support. 

-Henry


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## GettingBetter

Then maybe you should not be reading just posting. Just concetrate on your own thread. Do not go to CWI. That is a bad place. Stay on LAD. People are here to listen to you, to give you advice. We all have been in the same tough spot. 
Going NC is not easy. Everyone here knows it. Been there done that. I thought I would never be able to stick to it. And now is so easy. I laugh at myself how bad I was. I have no desire to contact her. Even when it's about kids I dont like doing it. 
But in the beggining I just wanted to ask how her day was going...waiting for anything from her. It would take me only seconds to reply to her text or email. All her phone calls were answered right away. And now? I do not even listen to her goice mails. I call her at the end of the day when I call the kids and just say "whats up". 
You will get there Henry. The path is not easy. Stay here, keep posting...vent all you need. We are listening. We care.


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## hope4family

Keep working on you hank. 

I agree. Don't go into any other part of the forum except here. If you can stay focused on your thread and blog about your feelings. 

The further you separate yourself. The further your own man you will feel. 

Keep hitting that gym.


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## Thumper

See im just the opposite, I enjoyed going into topics that were outside the reasons I was here, made me feel better I hadn't lost a mom and a wife. As I got more comfortable reading everyone elses problems, I would read more similar stories to my own. I realized I wasn't alone, and that I shouldn't be blaming myself for what happened. It was self medicating.


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## hank_rea

So, I'm back. 

Short break....I got weak again. A few days ago, I had the bright idea to reactivate my Facebook account. First thing I do is go to re-block my ex wife and notice she has again updated her photo. All "glammed up" wearing a lacy tanktop that I've never seen before, hair looking good and possibly wearing makeup....oh and she was sitting in the passenger seat of someone's car. You know exactly what's going through my head right now....I wound up texting her and accusing her of lying to me about dating. She denies it, says that she is sitting in the backseat of her brother and sister-in-law's car. I don't believe her and I'm pretty pissed off so I go and tell her that she's a selfish, lying piece of garbage and that I hope she burns in hell. Among other things...she says she was at work and didn't have time to reply...most of the texts I sent didn't get a response, so maybe she didn't even read most of it *shrug*. I figured she was gone anyway, so what did I have to lose? 

Anyway, she reminds me that she's at work and doesn't have time to reply, so I tell her if she wishes to discuss/argue some of the stuff I said to her, then we could do it after she got off....I lamely threw in, "but you probably don't care so I doubt I'll hear from you." Yeah, well, the time passes and I don't get any reply. I say to her, "Well I guess I got my answer." She then replies saying she just got off. Then, when she gets home she says, "I asked for time and you can't even give me that. Quit pushing me." I tell her I'm tired of typing and asked if we could finish this over the phone. She agrees. 

So, we talk and she admits that she is possibly unable to maintain a longterm relationship (red flag that I chose to ignore before I even married her) and she feels that I would not trust her if we tried to start over. I told her that if she said to me that she wanted to get back together, then she wouldn't do anything to sabotage that. I told her that I did not blame her for my current financial situation. I chose to leave behind my job of 9 years, where I could have very easily been able to make it on my own, to come back to my parents' house in Dallas, GA. I didn't have to do that. We were married. I didn't have to leave the house at all. But, she was the only reason I was there in the first place. I saw no point in staying there...too painful. What I did fault her for was letting me believe everything was ok in our marriage until I started noticing things and brought it to her attention. She was crying for a good part of our talk...I think she's starting to feel a little guilty about what she's done. Anyway, she says she has to shower and get ready for work in the morning and apparently she's going to let me know her answer some time in the future (I said I would give her 3 months of space...I don't know if she's going to use that full time or not). 

Also, I'm not longer seeing my female friend. I just felt too guilty about "dating" her (a guy from the divorce support group said it was just me not being ready for even being friends with another woman yet...no sh**, Sherlock) I broke things off with her, citing that I needed to heal first. She was noticeably upset and sounded like she was holding back tears. Made me feel like a jerk, but I didn't want to lead her on. I know what that feels like.


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## hank_rea

So yeah, one week NC. Had to start over and boy do I feel like sh**. I had all of this false hope built up the night I called her, thinking that maybe she was beginning to have second thoughts, but the "high" has worn off and I'm going through some serious withdrawal. These are the facts: she doesn't want to be with me, doesn't love me, doesn't miss me because she is newly single, much more sociable than she was during our marriage, about 60 pounds thinner than she was 6 months ago, and when she rejects me yet again after the space I've given her I'm going to be in even worse shape than I am now. Part of me wants to just tell her to forget the whole thing, but I'm scared she'll simply say, "ok" and worse, I don't trust myself to stop contacting her again. So much pain I've gone through messing with this woman and I set myself up for more. I can't even afford my own cell phone right now. She's still paying for my phone. I have one dollar in my wallet and 56 cents in my checking account.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thumper

Can you have a garage sale? Get desperate enough to pawn an item, your ring? to get u by for a bit?

Get back to your NC plan, make a calendar out of a piece of paper and start marking the days of progress. Stick to it!!!

Find a job, close by, walking distance, even part time, don't worry about the wage, just get yourself something to do. Slowly start investing back in yourself somehow. You gotta set yourself a goal, that way the small steps seem like your at least reaching it, instead of doing things randomly with no goal in mind. Start small, take baby steps. Reaching small goals will give you some accomplishment. That will also help your self confidence, then set another goal you can reach.

Would you want to come back to someone like you right now? Your making it easy for her to walk away. Get yourself under control first and foremost.


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## Hoosier

Hank, so ok, you messed up....s::t happens. I remember once I had a STELLER record for not talking to my, not venting in front of my daughter. Blew it completely! Some one on here said to shrug it off, start again... That's what I'm telling you. Start again. Are you going to IC? It saved me.....good luck, pulling for you.


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## hank_rea

I can't afford IC. I do have a job but it's going to be another week before I get my first check. And yeah, I may have to visit the pawn shop, unfortunately. To answer Thumper's question, knowing me, I'd probably go back to someone who was behaving as I have because I'd feel sorry for them. That's what got me into this mess in the first place, though, so I suppose that wouldn't be the best move for me.


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## Awakening2012

hank_rea said:


> I can't afford IC. I do have a job but it's going to be another week before I get my first check. And yeah, I may have to visit the pawn shop, unfortunately. To answer Thumper's question, knowing me, I'd probably go back to someone who was behaving as I have because I'd feel sorry for them. That's what got me into this mess in the first place, though, so I suppose that wouldn't be the best move for me.


Hi Hank - 

I just wanted to say, I'm glad you came back to TAM -- I've learned so much from this forum, and with all you are going through, it can be a tremendous support (especially if you can't do IC). Great news that you got a job! I hope that will help keep your mind off your troubles. Are you working out? Eating healthy? Getting sufficient sleep?

Hang in there, and keep us posted.

Best Wishes, A12


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## hank_rea

Thanks, A12. But no, sadly it isn't really keeping my mind off of things. I'm completely obsessed with her. Every (white) woman I see, whether or not she resembles my ex reminds me of her in some kind of way. If I see someone who has a similar hairstyle or dresses like her I just fall to pieces. It really sucks. Maybe if I keep up no contact, this will fade. That's what I'm hoping. I don't know if I can tolerate this too much longer.


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## hank_rea

So, I had an idea yesterday. Pawning my most recent video game system (Playstation Vita) and using that money to get a new cell and send the one I have back to the ex. I've been seeing receiving messages from Verizon saying, "This account has used 50% of its allowed data" or something to that effect....a few days ago, I got a message saying 75%. I think our accounts are still linked and I know she recently got her house phone shut off (no wi-fi and 4G uses data), plus, unless she changed the setting for my phone, I should have unlimited (it's possible) and I rarely even use my phone, aside from the GPS. So, pretty much that means it's her using up all the data. But, for what? She certainly isn't calling or texting me. I don't need that thought racing through my head every time I get one of those texts. 

The only thing that's holding me back from doing this is that it will effectively cut the last thing that ties me and my ex together. She had my address here at my parents' house (so she could send my stuff back to me) but she's finished doing that so she probably deleted it. She told me to hold on to the phone until she made her decision, and I want to give her the time I promised, but I'm just so afraid that she's going to come to me and either simply say "no" or that she's seeing someone now. And I know hearing either one of those is just going to send me deeper into depression and any progress I may have made up until that point will be lost. 

I don't think I'm ready to let go yet, but is anyone ever TRULY ready? If I do this, she will have no way of contacting me...that'll be it. Then again, she told me it was over when she went through with the divorce, regardless of the reason she gave for doing it. Yeah, I will still be able to contact her (she said she isn't going to change her cell number) but it would be in my best interest to try and forget about her....I just don't know what to do. I know what would be right for me now, but I feel I'm not strong enough to stick to it. 

What would any of you do in this situation? Just wait it out and see what she says or cut the chord right here and now?


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## Thumper

If she said keep the phone until she's decided, then keep the phone, but here's an idea, SHUT IT OFF IF YOUR NOT USING IT, only turn it on if you need to use it.

Your are making this so easy for your wife to walk away. Your doing EVERYTHING wrong. Its not over till you have divorce papers in your hand ready to sign. Now im not trying to give you false hope or anything, but you should be working on fixing the issues, which means fixing yourself right now. You are not fixing anything right now, but running from them. First rule your breaking, your NOT listening to her. You are shell of yourself, and you really need to WAKE yourself up. Try this, next time you think about her, drop and do pushups till you cant do another one. If an hour later you do it again, drop down and do situps till you cant do another one. Your storing up way to much negative energy, burn it out of you.


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## hank_rea

Thumper said:


> Its not over till you have divorce papers in your hand ready to sign.


Somebody hasn't been paying attention. lol I've been divorced since April 15.


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## Thumper

Dang I knew that, sorry trying to post in 2 different threads at same time. Anyways, all the other stuff still applies.

If she says keep the phone, keep the phone. It might be semantics, but the door will always be open, if your open to changing the things you need to change.

I have an aunt and uncle that have been married 6 times to each other. Again, not to give false hope, but lets face it, its not going to happen until you start working on yourself.


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## Awakening2012

Hi Hank - 

You're divorced, I don't get what is her power over the plan re: the phone in terms of waiting on her for some decision? Do you guys have any reason to be in communication? When/if she texts or calls you for any reason, that just stirs you up again, emotionally, right? So why not cut the chord? It has already essentially been cut, you are divorced. Are you entertaining thoughts that she might want to get back together? Be friends? It seems way too soon for that. You need to heal and reclaim yourself and your life apart from her. I get that she and your marriage were obviously an important part of your life, but that relationship does not define you and the big picture of your life and your future potential. Think back to a time when you were happy, before you ever met her. Get that Hank back. 

If you chnage phones, I am sure she would know how to get in touch with you, down the road if ever she felt the need (wouldn't she stil be able to email you?). But I don't understand giving her all this power over you, re: a decision about the phone. What is the rationale on waiting for her to decide what to do about the phone. You should do what's right for you, and what will best help you move forward to build a happier new chapter.

Best Wishes, A12


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## hank_rea

Honestly, I had been nagging her to give me another chance pretty much since we separated 3 months ago. At first, it was, "I want you to be happy, but it can't be with me." Then, right before the divorce was final it changed to, "I'm still very upset with you and maybe if you give me time and space we can start over." I screwed that up the first time by looking at her new e-mail account, seeing a phone number in the notes section, calling it, and having to explain to her that I had been spying on her e-mail account. She wasn't happy about that at all. She told me that same day that she wouldn't be giving me another chance because she doesn't believe I'll change (among other things). 

I should have just left it alone there, but I kept pestering her....looking at her Facebook, getting upset, then texting her. I asked her if I gave her 3 months of space if she would reconsider seeing me. She said she didn't know. I talked to her again about a week ago, telling her that if I'm able to get a new cell phone and send the one I currently have back to her then I won't know what her decision is (I asked her if she would want the new cell number and she didn't really give me an answer...I interpreted that as a no) and that's when the, "Keep the phone until I tell you" came in. I thanked her for continuing to talk to me even though I've been so irrational and she warned me that her patience was running thin.

Yeah, I have sent her an e-mail from my new address but she didn't reply to it and has probably since deleted it. And I do think back to the time before I met my ex and it sucked. I was miserable. I don't want to go back to that. That's why I'm trying so desperately to hold on. However, I don't want to be stuck here for the rest of my life, either. I wish a plane would just crash on top of me so I wouldn't have to deal with this sh** anymore.


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## Thumper

Like I said, your doing EVERYTHING wrong, she's opened the door for you so many times, and you've managed to slam it back in her face.

Get a hold of yourself, your not keeping yourself busy, your not taking care of yourself, your not even giving her the space you and her both need. Your making everything about her, wheres the you in all this, find yourself first.


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## Awakening2012

hank_rea said:


> And I do think back to the time before I met my ex and it sucked. I was miserable. I don't want to go back to that. That's why I'm trying so desperately to hold on. However, I don't want to be stuck here for the rest of my life, either. I wish a plane would just crash on top of me so I wouldn't have to deal with this sh** anymore.


Hi Hank -

My dear, my heart goes out to you, however you HAVE GOT TO REALIZE you CANNOT make your happiness and well-being dependent on another person. It NEVER works and makes for very unhealthy relationships. You simply must find the strength to take your focus OFF her, and put it on developing a better relationship with YOURSELF. Neither she, nor anyone else, are the key to your happiness -- that's an illusion. Whatever happend in the past, leave it there -- you deserve to go on and have a happy life, but you have to be willing to work on yourself. Something (perhaps from your childhood) has bruised your self-esteem, and caused you to feel so badly about yourself. You won't start feeling better, until you can break free from those wounds and re-invent yourself. 

Besides plenty of exercise and staying busy, it also helped me to take up some volunteer work so I could begin feeling less self-absorbed about my situation (the demise of my marriage). 

Hang in there, and take some positive steps today -- work out, get outdoors, and also write down FIVE THINGS that are good about you, and FIVE things that you are greatful for. Then report back, how about that?

Hugs, - A12


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## hank_rea

I hear you, believe me, I do. It's just when I get to that dark place, I can't seem to help myself and always wind up doing something self-destructive. That's why I came here and wanted to ask you guys' advice on this phone thing before I acted. I'm relatively calm right now....and thinking on one hand, "Ok..I need to let this thing just play out." but on the other, "If it's an answer I don't want to hear it's going to devastate me." I keep thinking back to before our divorce hearing. I was supposed to go and move back in with her for two weeks so I could finish up at my job (she and I live 4 hours away from each other) but I was so nervous the day of I just resigned from my job and told her that I wouldn't be coming. My mother told me it's because if I had went there and saw how differently my ex would have behaved from when we were "happily married" it would have made me see this situation clearly, and I was afraid of that. I suppose she had a point. Before I was supposed to come, my ex told me explicitly that her bedroom is hers alone and I am NOT to come in there. She said she needed to set ground rules in case I got any ideas about trying to "get with her". 

Point is, I ran from that reality....maybe it was the right decision, maybe it wasn't. I'm in a similar situation right now. I'm really scared. Yes, I know I should be using this time to try and better myself, but how in the hell do you do that when all you think about is someone else? Someone in another thread suggested I write down all the crummy things my ex said and did to me...I thought it would be a short list, but it's actually quite lengthy (and most of it is comprised of things she did after we split up) During the marriage she did a few things to rub me the wrong way, but they weren't nearly enough to make me stop loving her. Making that list did help a little bit, though. Knocked her down a few pegs, but not much.


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## hank_rea

Err...that was in response to Thumper. Guess I took longer on that reply than I thought. lol


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## Awakening2012

hank_rea said:


> Yes, I know I should be using this time to try and better myself, but how in the hell do you do that when all you think about is someone else?


You do it by letting go --in baby steps a day at a time. When thoughts of her come up, gently release them, and turn your mind to something else. Have you read Melody Beattie's book?

The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today's Generation: Melody Beattie: 9781439102145: Amazon.com: Books

It is super helpful! Also, as a small exercise, how about the suggestion to write down FIVE THINGS that are good about you, and FIVE things that you are greatful for. Then stick that on your bathroom mirror. Just try it for the heck of it?

Hugs, -A12


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## Thumper

You go to that dark place, cause deep down you want to go to that dark place. You keep allowing yourself to make it all about her. Theres still no me in your postings.

Do what A12 says, with the 5 things:

Start another list that starts with......I deserve (fill in the blank) as many things as you can think of. On the back side start a list of negative things you say like "I'm unhappy" but right after that, write down something positive you can say instead of that. Use that list when your down and out, find the response your thinking, then look over at the positive side and start thinking that instead. I hope that made sense. Are you journaling at all, I love to write 3-5 pages a day, it helps me get it OUT.



First one.............I deserve..........to be loved. Back side: I'm unhappy today..................I'm going to do something I enjoy.


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## hank_rea

Thanks, you guys. I'll try these out.


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## unsure78

hmmm a few sayings that helped me : 

why make someone a priority when they only make you an option.

why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want you

loving x is not an option

if one of these resonate with you write it down and put it in a place that's easy to get to at all times...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

I wrote all of that down in my notebook. Eh....it's just words on a page, though. Until I actually start believing this stuff and wanting to let go, it isn't going to help me. Trying to get to that point now. I really do want to want to let go. I guess it's just going to take time....and it has only been a few days since I talked to her last (9 days if I recall correctly)

But yeah, that was a great suggestion about doing pushups whenever I started pining over her. I struggled to do 20 a little over a month ago and this morning I did 20 no problem. I guess all that negative energy is pretty powerful (well, it probably helps that I've been losing weight lately, too) Had to do a few more later. lol I'm going to be traveling with my job this week. I leave on Monday at 10am. Might be good for me to get away from this house for a few days and see some new atmosphere. Maybe. Knowing me I'll just be thinking about her the whole time and be miserable.


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## Thumper

That's ok, you have to start somewhere.

It would be nice if you took the work travel opportunity to reach out and make some new friends, have a good time. Distract yourself as much as possible, and this is a great time to be doing that. Try to open yourself up socially!!!! Be friendly to others, don't sulk to the point others read you as anti social.


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## Awakening2012

hank_rea said:


> I wrote all of that down in my notebook. Eh....it's just words on a page, though. Until I actually start believing this stuff and wanting to let go, it isn't going to help me. Trying to get to that point now. I really do want to want to let go. I guess it's just going to take time....and it has only been a few days since I talked to her last (9 days if I recall correctly)
> 
> But yeah, that was a great suggestion about doing pushups whenever I started pining over her. I struggled to do 20 a little over a month ago and this morning I did 20 no problem. I guess all that negative energy is pretty powerful (well, it probably helps that I've been losing weight lately, too) Had to do a few more later. lol I'm going to be traveling with my job this week. I leave on Monday at 10am. Might be good for me to get away from this house for a few days and see some new atmosphere. Maybe. Knowing me I'll just be thinking about her the whole time and be miserable.


Hi Hank -

Good for you writing those things down (and doing all those push ups!). Just keep the note book by your bed and re-read it each night before going to sleep, or upon waking in the morning.

Think positive! The trip WILL take your mind off things, and help you begin to put your focus elsewhere. Do you have a Kindle? If so, for reading on your trip, I highly recommend:

The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today's Generation: Melody Beattie: 9781439102145: Amazon.com: Books

Take care and try to do something nice for yourself today -- maybe go see a movie, ask a friend to coffee or go get a massage.

Best Regards,- A12


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## hank_rea

But, unfortunately, I am anti-social. 

My ex wife was my only friend. That's another reason why it's so hard to let go. We spent so much time together and texted/called each other often (like I said earlier, I talked to her during my breaks every day at work...she would get upset if I didn't call) Now she won't even let me text her to say "Happy Birthday" to her. I know it's been 3 months now, but it still just seems so sudden. She tells me on a Saturday "I love you but I'm not in love with you" (which was changed to "I don't love you anymore" a mere 6 days later), we separated on Wednesday, and I am being shown divorce papers on Friday. That quickly my world came crashing down around me. It's still got my head swimming. I just can't believe this is the same person who called me crying and begging me to come home every day when I left to visit my family for 5 days a few years ago. (and now I haven't seen her in 3 months and she says she doesn't miss me) The same woman who said the moment she saw me, she knew she was going to spend the rest of her life with me...that I was the man of her dreams. 

Heh....but yeah, I'll try to be more sociable. People don't really respond well to me, though...don't seem to get me. I'm "corny" and "lame". Not everyone is cut out to be a social butterfly. But I will try to be a bit more outgoing. This has never worked well for me in the past, though.


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## Thumper

Then what a perfect opportunity you have to make those changes in yourself. Don't do it to where it feels forced, stand around listen, and don't be afraid to just chime in. Don't feel like you have to join in, in a conversion. Its good practice, and something you need to do........for yourself.


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## hank_rea

Ok....I thought I should mention this, as I don't remember whether or not I did before in this thread. I had another thread on this forum a while back but don't feel like digging it up. Here are some key things of note with my ex wife and I:

-Together 9 years
-Interracial couple (I'm black, she's white)
-We lived in a house that her parents own
-She says her parents would have disowned her if they knew she was with a black person...I have NEVER met my in-laws
-She promised me she would tell her parents about me before I came to live with her, I found out two weeks later that she lied, then when I caught her in the lie, she got defensive and told me if I didn't believe her then I should just leave...I should probably have listened to her
-I am my ex wife's second husband, and her first she did something similar to...she claims she "just wasn't happy" and decided to leave him one day
-Her first husband was white, btw...accepted by her parents
-She tells me out of the blue that she doesn't love me anymore one day...three days later we separate....two days later she hands me divorce papers
-Upon signing the papers I told her that I was always embarrassed to be seen in public with her, told her that the only reason I kept seeing her in the beginning was because I felt sorry for her, and made insulted her body (I said she looked like a man)
-She says ^^^this is the reason she won't consider seeing me right now, and why she went through with the divorce...she just can't forgive me
-I explained to her that I only said those things out of anger and hurt (which is partially true..I meant every word of it, but I only SAID it to her out of anger....as mentioned before, I have self-esteem issues. My being embarrassed with her had much more to do with me than it did her)

Just a little background...I thought I should put that stuff out there for everyone to see. You'll probably just tell me I'm wasting my time trying to get back with this woman....you're probably right. Well...I just wanted to post that....was thinking about it. Gotta go. Going out of town with my new job. Later, y'all.


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## hank_rea

Yeah. It's a pretty unique story. And I'm aware of the flags. I wish I could want to let her go. Can't just yet. Day 10 nc. Small steps. Bound and determined to keep to it this time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan

So glad that you found a job, Hank! That will help you start a new chapter in your life, build your self-esteem, and give you a chance to meet new people. Don't worry about wanting to let her go; it will happen in time as you focus on your new life.


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## hank_rea

I'm sitting here in this hotel room and all I can think about is texting asking something dumb like, "did you ask me for time because you want to see if your feelings will change or are you not even sure what your feelings are?" No matter what her answer is (if it's even true) it would be a step backwards. I hate these fantasies and constant thoughts of her. I knew this was going to happen. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

Like I said before I don't plan on breaking nc this time and when she finally gives me her answer, if she texts it, I plan to simply reply with, "Ok". This is whether her answer is yes or no....they say you shouldn't act too eager to get back together, but yeah.....probably being overly optimistic here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09

hank_rea said:


> Like I said before I don't plan on breaking nc this time and when she finally gives me her answer, if she texts it, I plan to simply reply with, "Ok". This is whether her answer is yes or no....they say you shouldn't act too eager to get back together, but yeah.....probably being overly optimistic here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So did you text her or not?
I think everyone has those, my therapist calls them "reconciliation fantasies" but that's all they are, fantasties. Even if there was a slight chance of R, it would never happen the way anyone imagines, just read the CWI thread to see that. 

I still have them myself, its been 9 months and he's living with another woman for the past 6..but now the fantasies are not about the man he is now, only the man he was a very very long time ago and the man I hoped he could be. But he's not and he never will be. 

When you stop and then, is your wife, as she is now, the woman you want and need in your life?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan

Distraction is your friend, Hank. Go to the hotel gym. Take a walk. Rent a hotel movie  Just do something to take your mind off her and help you resist the temptation to impede your progress. It is your choice. Choose Hank, not obsession. Wash, rinse, repeat until it becomes second nature for you.


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## hank_rea

Which CWI thread, familyfirst? And no, I did not text her....




.......yet.
Just kidding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

Want to reach out so badly....sitting at the two week mark. I've never lasted 2 weeks. Gonna have to try double hard to make it through this! Having serious withdrawal here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch

Be strong Hank.

We have all found strength that we never thought we had. I can see yours is coming to the surface.

I know you can do this,
Stretch


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## hank_rea

I keep thinking that if I give her this time....not pressuring her, no rushing....that she'll want to give it another shot. More R fantasies I'm sure. I have so much hope....I know I should be realistic here....I know everyone says I'm plan b, but what if she is actually telling me the truth? That she really just wants time to think, some space after being unhappy for so long. She has admitted many times that only 1 year out of our 9 together wasn't good. I don't know....maybe that last year was so bad she just couldn't take it anymore. Or maybe there's something else. Do I have any reason to be hopeful or is this just pure delusion? Seriously.

Ugh...this is so hard. The "distractions" aren't working. I'm completely obsessed. The longer I go nc the more I miss her. I hate this so much. I'm never going to get better unless she agrees to give me another chance....which probably means I'm screwed. I don't want to talk to, hang out with, or get to know anyone but her, and I really hate myself for thinking this way but it's the truth. Missing her so much it hurts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch

Hank,

You just keep texting here and stay the NC course. Does your job travelling give you the opportunity to do "Meetups" in other cities? That sounds pretty exciting and it is easier to be social when you may never see those people again.

We all come to grips with the reality of how this plays out and you will have a revelation sooner than you think. 

R is outside of your control, don't even think about it. This is like a broken record and I know you know it's true, you can only control what you do about you. Exercise, awesome! New job, awesome! Overcome your shyness, work on it.

You can try to be tough on yourself, but I suspect you are starting to like the new Hank that is emerging.

Move forward, keep kickin' ass,
Stretch


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## hank_rea

"Don't even think about R." lol. It's the only thing I think about. I was thinking on the van ride to our next city, I did a lot of good stuff for this woman. Massages, painted her toenails (yes, you read that right), never hit her or cheated, was very affectionate and constantly told her how beautiful I thought she was. Yeah I had my issues but I was good to her. Plus, I would never treat her the way she's treating me now. So, why in the hell do I still want to be with this person? I need to seriously think about this. Btw, about an hour later the reconciliation fantasies started again. I wish I could stay of the mindset where I want to let go and move on, that I do indeed deserve better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

Tried to edit my post, wound up deleting it. 

Anyway, two weeks NC. I finally made it. Also, unfortunately, I'm only doing this for the wrong reasons. I'm just hoping that by giving my ex space that she'll see that I've changed and be more open to trying again. I'm using these forums for the wrong reasons as well. I WANT to be in denial. I don't want to have to admit that my relationship is over, that the woman I made my life for the last 9 years doesn't love me anymore (she may not even like me). Every time I post I'm looking for some kind of reassurance that these reconciliation dreams I keep having are somehow legitimate. That's why it doesn't feel like I'm getting better. As the kids say, I'm doing it wrong.

Thanks for reading my brain vomit. Guess it's better telling this to you guys than my ex wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

Doesn't feel like I'm handling anything. Just waiting around to have my heart shredded to pieces again. Why didn't I just leave her alone after the first time she gave me this "give me space" crap? Just feels like the longer this nc lasts the slimmer my chances become. They say you use no contact to detatch, right? Well, wouldn't that work for her, too? (assuming she still is somewhat still emotionally attached...going two weeks without a text pretty much says "I'm over you" to me). Maybe everyone is right....I probably am just plan b. If she doesn't have any prospects soon, she might look me up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DavidWYoung

Hello, I understand where you are coming from, because I went thru the same thing. I tried to understand from a man's point of view. The problem is "Women are Crazy!" Some women have no honor. Some women will never tell the truth. Some women will want to get married in the church and say all the right things, and then go back to there single days. Its just the way some of them are.
The most important thing is you must understand, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! WOMEN ARE CRAZY!


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## ExisaWAW

DWY, Well said. I think it's safe to say that none of us know Hank personally, but reading through his thread, I really feel for him. I too am going through the process of healing after my wife of 13 years had an affair and once caught, she couldn't wait to run away & re-live her lost youth.

I guess someone can fall out of love over time. The classic "walk-away wife" syndrome (can be a husband too) doesn't care for their spouse anymore. What makes this so tough for those of us who go through this is when it happens so fast/ out-of-the-blue.

Living through this, I understand why it can take some people years to bounce back emotionally from a betrayal. Each one of us are all "wired" slightly differently but there are some of us who loved so deeply that it can be nearly impossible for us to simply shut off our emotions to the person we took an oath to love, honor, & cherish until death do us part.

We are a rare breed. We're extremely loyal & expect our partners to be the same. We would forgive so much in the name of love and we are bewildered when our chosen life partner will not do the same for us.

It's tough. God bless you Hank. Hang in there buddy.


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## familyfirst09

hank_rea said:


> Which CWI thread, familyfirst? And no, I did not text her....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> .......yet.
> Just kidding.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Any of them. R is NOT easy. And can take years. But only when BOTH are willing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch

Hank,

Congrats on your small victory. Don't underestimate the power of your small steps toward your new life. Keep working on you man whatever the reason, it is all about YOU.

Having a pretty crappy day here. Working through the nuts and bolts of the D and it is pretty emotional. You take the bad with the good and eventually there are more good days.

Keep fighting Hank,
Stretch


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## doureallycare2

So I really wanted to Like DavidwYoung's comment about us "crazy" woman... just because it made me laugh!!!!! But no, then I would have had to do a rebuttal like "all men are liars and cheats and only think with the 4-12 inches that’s between their legs.." Now how unfair would that have been?  

Hank; I’m so sorry......Unfortunately pain is going to be your companion for a while. There is no way around that. In order for you to heal you have to go through it. There will be ebbs and flows. Take the good days with thanksgiving and on the bad days find a friend or come on here and vent. I wish I could tell you how to get over her, how to lessen the pain. I can’t, all I can do is re-affirm to you that we have been there... some of us are still going through it and know how you feel. We can encourage you, we can reassure you and we can let you vent. It’s up to you and your timing of when you’re going to believe you’ll make it and that life will not only be ok but actually get better...Acceptance plays a big part in that. Education helps..... Read articles and books that might help you to understand the grieving process. Try to improve the man you are for the next relationship you’re in... It’s all we can do..... we can’t change them, we can’t make them be faithful, we can’t make them love us....


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## hank_rea

familyfirst09 said:


> Any of them. R is NOT easy. And can take years. But only when BOTH are willing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, anything worth having is worth fighting for. If given the chance I'm prepared to go all out. But yeah, like you said, she's got to want it as badly as I do. Going by her behavior (we haven't talked in almost 3 weeks because she asked me to give her time) I doubt that's the case. Still, I'll try this last time to see if she opens up. I'm giving her what she asked for....meanwhile trying my hardest to keep my expectations realistic. I keep telling myself that the longer she takes, the worse off I am. That every day I don't hear from her is a day she doesn't miss me and is moving further away. Hopefully by the time she does "decide" I'll be at a place where I can just shoot her an, "ok" and walk away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

Thought I'd update you guys. 

I get a text from my ex saying "call me" at around 8:30 this morning. I was so nervous I was shaking. So, I waited until I had calmed down to call. She tells me that she's going to have to disconnect my phone because she had to get a new car due to having to put oil in her old car every day. She just can't afford the bill. Now, mind you, she had told me before that she couldn't afford the disconnect fee before and this was without a car payment. So, I asked her about it. She said she might be able to make payment arrangements. I left it alone. The rest of the conversation was "how have you been doing?" type of stuff. She told me she's considering having her parents sell her house and moving back in with them. She says she's having to work like crazy and she still never has any money.

I then suggest something that my mother once proposed, but I simply dismissed at the time. I would try to get my old job in Savannah back and move in with her temporarily to help her with bills. I would sleep on the couch and by no means was I to ever go into her bedroom. She simply said, "I can't." I said ok and told her to take care, told her bye and hung up. The call was probably about 15 minutes and I managed to keep my cool despite getting bad news. She was crying during most of it, probably because this was her way of saying goodbye. I feel a bit numb right now. I expected this to happen but I still had my hopes up. Couldn't be helped. I'm proud of myself, though. I finally was able to keep my word and give her the space she needed. Now comes the healing.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doureallycare2

sorry hun...


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## hank_rea

Yeah...like I said, I sort of expected this, but I can't say I'm not disappointed. Oh well....nothing to do now but move forward. I don't have any other choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Awakening2012

Sorry, Hank. Hang in there, that's the spirit on moving forward! 

Best Wishes, A12


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## hank_rea

On the bright side this may be just what I need to finally snap out of denial. I was thinking that if I just gave her time that she would come around. I beat myself up for not being more patient with her before we separated. Now I see that nothing I did would have mattered. She was just too far gone, there was no saving our marriage. It sucks because I now have all of this knowledge but maybe my neglecting her wasn't even the main cause of our split. I guess it doesn't even matter at this point. I just need to do what I've been doing: go back to nc and try to heal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch

Hank,

You are making my day. I hope you smile and laugh today.

If I were you, I would give myself a treat for the progress you have made.

I hope you start having more good time than tough time.

Stretch


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## hank_rea

Thanks, guys. The reality is finally starting to set in for me and I'm super depressed today. At least I had to work, though. Sitting around the house moping wouldn't do me any favors. God willing, I'll get through this. I hope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hoosier

One day at a time buddy, One day at a time.


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## hank_rea

So I mailed the phone back to my ex wife today. Should be to her Monday. That was the last thing linking us together. I find it strange that she hasn't disconnected it yet. She told me on Thursday that she would let me know before she cut the phone off...it was to be done yesterday. I already erased all of my stuff on Thursday, though. Now I'm wondering stuff....like maybe she tried to contact me sometime yesterday since she didn't cut the phone off yet. Wanting to reach out but I know I shouldn't. I should just leave it alone. I'm so damn curious, though.

She also told me that the only reason she isn't giving me another chance is because she just can't get past what I said to her. What I find hilarious about this is that she said the situation that lead to me telling her off in the first place was all her fault. Yet, she can't find it in her heart to forgive me for reacting to something she caused. She even had the gall to say that we would probably be in each others' arms right now if I had held my tongue. That's what people like this do, though...it's always the other person's fault.

Still, if she found a way to contact me and said she wanted to see me right now, I'd hop in my car and make that 4 hour drive faster than you can say "idiot". The world seems so much darker without her. I'm not going to be over this anytime soon.


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## hank_rea

And in my usual dumb ways, I had the brilliant idea of sending the ex a text yesterday, basically to leave the door of communication open should she ever have a change of heart. It started off innocently enough with me simply informing her that I sent my old cell to her Saturday but it quickly deteorated into me accusing her of being in the center of a mid-life crisis and that was the real reason she divorced me. I also told her I didn't buy her excuse for not wanting to give us another chance. Her reply was that I never believe anything she says so she's not wasting her breath. She then said, "Now leave me alone." This is not the first time she has said this to me but I decided to call her bluff. I said if that's what she really wants then I'll be completely out of her life for good. No reply.

I felt guilty about what I said so I sent another text today apologizing and informing her that I will be moving on...that I have tried everything I can think of but I can't force her to want to be with me. I told her that I would never forget her and to take care. Again, I had ulterior motives with this. I was hoping she either wouldn't reply or that she would say something to comfort me. I got neither. She quickly replied with, "Apology accepted. Take care. I was devastated.

Now this isn't the first time I said this to her, so perhaps she's just taking what I said with agrain of salt, but unfortunately I'm thinking this is what she's been waiting for for almost 4 months. She never contacts me unless I reach out first, she went through with the divorce, and she wouldn't even allow me to text her on her birthday. She's gone. Never coming back. Going to be dating soon and I'll still be here pining for her. It seems like such a waste. I figured out all of the stuff I did wrong in my marriage and I can never use it to fix things. Yeah Iknow...use it for my next relationship....meh. I'm probably going to be alone for the rest of my life and to be honest, if I can't be with her, that's exactly how I want it.


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## hank_rea

Heh...yeah. The problem with that is the only thing in this world I care about is her. All the "progress" I made was just so I could be a better man for her. I don't see any light ahead...only darkness. I honestly want to die.


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## hank_rea

I'll more than likely wind up right where you are. There is no light.


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## Awakening2012

2ntnuf said:


> I know I will never be happy. I will never feel that love that I once felt. I will never know the joy of life. That does not have to be you. You can make a difference in the world. You can be that person who makes it back from hell to build a better world for yourself. I know it can be done. I believe you can do it.
> 
> I hope you do not let me down.


Dear 2ntnuf and Hank - 

I hope the both of you will realize that you still have the inner strength and resiliency to KNOW HAPPINESS AGAIN! To know deep down that you CANNOT make your heppiness and well being dependedn on anyone or anything outside of yourself. Now is the time to be rebuilding yourselves and your lives to get to a better foundation of being happy and whole with yourselves! That hooey our ego tells us about that one person being the sole source of our happiness is pure co-dependency talking! Don't listen to that voice and keep the faith that who you are, the gift of the life you have is MUCH MORE than anything going on with other people in your lives. Don't consign or resign yourself to misery! That's a sel-fullfilling prophecy that feeds on itself.

Take the actions and steps to feel better about yourself, discover who you really are, what brings you joy and purpose and meaning outside of an intimate relationship. Only then will you feel confident and self-assured to go forth and magentize a healthier woman who can be a far better match for a healtheir, stronger you!

Praying for both of you to lift the blinders and realize how much living and loving and adventure lies before you. 

XOXOXOX Warmly,- A12


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## Awakening2012

hank_rea said:


> I'll more than likely wind up right where you are. There is no light.


Not true! That's depression and co-dependency talking. Time to reclaim yourself and your life and appreciate it for the gift it is even when we don't get the things we think we want and must have and can't live without.



Cheers, A12


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## Thumper

Awakening2012 said:


> Dear 2ntnuf and Hank -
> 
> I hope the both of you will realize that you still have the inner strength and resiliency to KNOW HAPPINESS AGAIN! To know deep down that you CANNOT make your heppiness and well being dependedn on anyone or anything outside of yourself. Now is the time to be rebuilding yourselves and your lives to get to a better foundation of being happy and whole with yourselves! That hooey our ego tells us about that one person being the sole source of our happiness is pure co-dependency talking! Don't listen to that voice and keep the faith that who you are, the gift of the life you have is MUCH MORE than anything going on with other people in your lives. Don't consign or resign yourself to misery! That's a sel-fullfilling prophecy that feeds on itself.
> 
> Take the actions and steps to feel better about yourself, discover who you really are, what brings you joy and purpose and meaning outside of an intimate relationship. Only then will you feel confident and self-assured to go forth and magentize a healthier woman who can be a far better match for a healtheir, stronger you!
> 
> Praying for both of you to lift the blinders and realize how much living and loving and adventure lies before you.
> 
> XOXOXOX Warmly,- A12


Spot on A12, spot on!!!


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## LovesHerMan

Beautiful post, A12! 

Hank, have you tried making a list of all of the things that your Ex did to hurt and disrespect you? I would start with the fact that you never met her parents. I would be very angry about that. What good wife does not introduce her husband to her parents?

How is your job going? Have you tried meetup.com to get to know new people? You have to take action and stop this pity party. Love yourself. You deserve so much better than this navel gazing crap. Use the energy of anger to move forward in your life.


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## doureallycare2

I agree A12 well said!!


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## hank_rea

So yeah...... 

AGAIN I go back to the well. This time I go all out. I bring up the first time we met, our first kiss and how she quickly began holding my hand shortly after we had seen each other. The result of this was not at all what I was expecting. She basically threw it back in my face and replied with, "Just stop. You're only making it harder on yourself." Wow. Memories that I recall so fondly mean nothing to her. Nothing. She says this isn't easy for her, but she isn't going to sit and dwell on it. What's done is done. I tell her it's funny she says this when she can't get past what I said to her after I signed the D papers. 

Anyway, I go on the road later that day and have a fairly not-so-terrible day all things considered. Yesterday I actually had a damn good day. I felt excited about the future, didn't cry (this is a big deal for me), started thinking about what I wanted to do when I got home, and rode in the work van to get some dinner with 4 girls (again big deal for me). Today? Eh, not so much, but not terrible, either. I don't know if my phone dying (forgot to pack charger) had anything to do with it, but these past couple of days I've felt like it's maybe starting to finally click. I don't think I'll have too much trouble going nc again. Anyone who will disregard 8 good years (her admission) because they had doubts for one year (and didn't even have the decency to tell me about the problem) probably isn't worth trying to reconcile with anyway. Chances are I'd try my damnedness to make things up to her but it still wouldn't be good enough. I'd just win up right back where I am now. Nothing but more hurt down that road.

And about the in-laws, I knew what the situation was with her parents long before I moved in with her. It didn't and still doesn't bother me that I never met them. I am pretty anti-social and the less people I have to deal with, the better. I didn't need to have a relationship with those people. I just wanted her. And no, listing her "bad" points didn't help me too much. It was a good suggestion, though. 

And with that Itake my leave. I've been coming here for all the wrong reasons.


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## doureallycare2

hank_rea said:


> So yeah......
> 
> AGAIN I go back to the well. This time I go all out. I bring up the first time we met, our first kiss and how she quickly began holding my hand shortly after we had seen each other. The result of this was not at all what I was expecting. She basically threw it back in my face and replied with, "Just stop. You're only making it harder on yourself." Wow. Memories that I recall so fondly mean nothing to her. Nothing. She says this isn't easy for her, but she isn't going to sit and dwell on it. What's done is done. I tell her it's funny she says this when she can't get past what I said to her after I signed the D papers.
> 
> 
> Your not making it harder on yourself, she made it hard for you!, she just doesnt want to hear things that will make her feel guilty
> 
> Anyway, I go on the road later that day and have a fairly not-so-terrible day all things considered. Yesterday I actually had a damn good day. I felt excited about the future, didn't cry (this is a big deal for me), started thinking about what I wanted to do when I got home, and rode in the work van to get some dinner with 4 girls (again big deal for me). Today? Eh, not so much, but not terrible, either. I don't know if my phone dying (forgot to pack charger) had anything to do with it, but these past couple of days I've felt like it's maybe starting to finally click.
> 
> I would bet you anything it has to do with it. One of the best things that happened during my separation was at Christmas, I dropped my phone in the toilet the morning of a 6 hour trip to see my son. When I got there, I not only had a phone but no internet connection for 6 days..... incommunicado with anything and anyone that would eve discus my stbxh. I was so upset... my life is in my phone and computer lol.. It ended up being such a healing week for me!!!
> 
> 
> I don't think I'll have too much trouble going nc again. Anyone who will disregard 8 good years (her admission) because they had doubts for one year (and didn't even have the decency to tell me about the problem) probably isn't worth trying to reconcile with anyway. Chances are I'd try my damnedness to make things up to her but it still wouldn't be good enough. I'd just win up right back where I am now. Nothing but more hurt down that road.
> 
> the best thing would be do the 108..... Your contacting her is obviously not helping.
> 
> And with that Itake my leave. I've been coming here for all the wrong reasons.


good for you for realizing it...now do it for the right reasons....


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## hank_rea

I don't know how to get started. And it doesn't help that I've got people around me saying, "just give her time and she'll probably start calling again wanting to give it another shot." Ugh. I really don't need to hear that kind of sh** right now. Knowing what I do about her, she's not the type to look back. Once something is over for her, it's over. She just moves on. I thought I might be different. But, a leopard doesn't change its spots overnight. I wound up being just another victim. 

Really down today. Had a dream about her this morning just before I woke up. It was a very provocative dream with her doing sexual things to a doll (I think) and acting like some kind of drunken sl** at Mardi Gras. It was a video on her phone. I got that same pissed off/anxious/nervous feeling I usually get when I check her Facebook page. It really ruined my morning. Just when I start thinking things are going to finally beginning to turn around for me.....

And yeah, I lied about leaving...just like I lied to my ex several times saying, "Yeah..I'll give you space!" and, "This is going to be the last time I bother you about this..!" I just can't seem to keep my word about anything. I really don't even know why I keep coming here. I don't ever follow the great advice I'm given. I guess I'm one of those idiots who has to learn everything the hard way. I think I'm finally getting it, though. I have not e-mailed my ex since Tuesday, though I was damn tempted today. I also saw this "60 Day No Contact" thread on another forum and I tried to register and enter that topic, but my stupid PS3 wouldn't properly enter in my birth year. Something like that might be kind of fun to participate in, actually. Give me a goal. 

Bah...I just want to feel "normal" again. Maybe this is normal. My life hasn't really changed much since I was married. I still do the same stuff: go to work, come home, get on the computer, play video games, watch movies. Same sh** every day. Only one blaring difference: no her. The loss is so huge it's unbearable at times. I miss her so much and it kills me to know that she doesn't miss me even a fraction of the amount I miss her. It's like I imagined our entire life together. I just can't seem to move past this feeling of rejection. It's tearing me apart. Why does it have to hurt so much? She says the only thing keeping us apart right now is her not being able to get over me saying that I was ashamed to be seen with her in public. I almost can understand that...I mean, I don't know if I'd want to get back with her if she said that to me. But, at the same time I feel like she's just using that as an excuse. I didn't say anything like that to her before she drew up those divorce papers. I asked her if she ever thinks she'll be able to forgive me and she said not for a long time. Plan b, huh?


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## Awakening2012

hank_rea said:


> And yeah, I lied about leaving...just like I lied to my ex several times saying, "Yeah..I'll give you space!" and, "This is going to be the last time I bother you about this..!" I just can't seem to keep my word about anything. I really don't even know why I keep coming here. I don't ever follow the great advice I'm given. I guess I'm one of those idiots who has to learn everything the hard way.


I'm glad you did not leave!.

[/QUOTE]Why does it have to hurt so much?[/QUOTE]

Because you allow it. Keep trucking, and take baby steps to start re-claiming your life -- you only get this one chance to live, so please treasure it and make it shine 

Cheers, - A12


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## familyfirst09

hank_rea said:


> I don't know how to get started. And it doesn't help that I've got people around me saying, "just give her time and she'll probably start calling again wanting to give it another shot." Ugh. I really don't need to hear that kind of sh** right now. Knowing what I do about her, she's not the type to look back. Once something is over for her, it's over. She just moves on. I thought I might be different. But, a leopard doesn't change its spots overnight. I wound up being just another victim.
> 
> Really down today. Had a dream about her this morning just before I woke up. It was a very provocative dream with her doing sexual things to a doll (I think) and acting like some kind of drunken sl** at Mardi Gras. It was a video on her phone. I got that same pissed off/anxious/nervous feeling I usually get when I check her Facebook page. It really ruined my morning. Just when I start thinking things are going to finally beginning to turn around for me.....
> 
> And yeah, I lied about leaving...just like I lied to my ex several times saying, "Yeah..I'll give you space!" and, "This is going to be the last time I bother you about this..!" I just can't seem to keep my word about anything. I really don't even know why I keep coming here. I don't ever follow the great advice I'm given. I guess I'm one of those idiots who has to learn everything the hard way. I think I'm finally getting it, though. I have not e-mailed my ex since Tuesday, though I was damn tempted today. I also saw this "60 Day No Contact" thread on another forum and I tried to register and enter that topic, but my stupid PS3 wouldn't properly enter in my birth year. Something like that might be kind of fun to participate in, actually. Give me a goal.
> 
> Bah...I just want to feel "normal" again. Maybe this is normal. My life hasn't really changed much since I was married. I still do the same stuff: go to work, come home, get on the computer, play video games, watch movies. Same sh** every day. Only one blaring difference: no her. The loss is so huge it's unbearable at times. I miss her so much and it kills me to know that she doesn't miss me even a fraction of the amount I miss her. It's like I imagined our entire life together. I just can't seem to move past this feeling of rejection. It's tearing me apart. Why does it have to hurt so much?


My god, its eerie how much you sound like me....the flip flopping, the people telling you "give it time", how you feel, what you think, your day to day life...its amazing....

Lots of people on here have been through it and have come out the other side soooooo much happier, we both need to just shut up and listen. Do you really want to be this miserable in another year, 2 years?? I know I don't. I'm doing a much better job listening but in the end its YOU that has to control yourself and push yourself forward. No one else can do that for you, or for me. 

Cyber hugs. I know it sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan

Be gentle and compassionate with yourself, Hank. Give yourself time to grieve. I hope that TAM has offered you a path to healing and a supportive place to vent your despair. You'll get there at your own pace.


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## hank_rea

I had another dream about her last night. 
For some reason I was back in her town, but I wasn't alone. I think I was with my job but members of my family were with me. Somehow we ended up at her house....but it was different. Completely remodeled and she had a bunch of people over. I mean, like, she had hundreds of people at her house...and it was early morning. I could see in the window, but I wasn't in the house...she was a lot like me during our marriage. She said before we got together that she never had visitors. I noticed, though, that in the later stages of our marriage she started going out with friends more often. Then on Facebook I saw pictures of her with a group of people I had never seen before. She says those are her brothers' friends and she eats with them so she won't miss him so much. (shrug) I dunno...just venting a bit. Anybody know what to make of that dream or is it pretty much just me thinking way too much about her?

This is what I'm talking about. You guys say I'm letting the pain overwhelm me, but how in the hell am I supposed to stop myself from dreaming about her?! It feels like I'm a prisoner of my own mind. I wanted to text her this morning after I woke up...tell her things like she never really loved me, that I was just there to fill a particular need that she had at the time then once she discovered she still wasn't happy with someone in her life, she gave up on me. That everything she did out of "love" for me was all an act and all the while she had built up resentment for me to the point where she just couldn't stand to live with me anymore. I also wanted to say that I believe she is dating but she just doesn't want to tell me because she figures it isn't my business or she doesn't want to hurt my feelings...possibly both. I just wrote this stuff in my journal instead. I hope that'll be good enough. I've done this before and still wound up saying to her what should have stayed in my notebook. Everything just feels like life and death...that if I don't get this out I'm not going to be able to sleep at night. What do I expect to accomplish with it, though? Ever since March 15, I have been trying to reason, apologize, beg, insult, and confess her into taking me back and none of it has worked. And if I do tell her all of those things I was thinking of this morning, I'd probably just wind up trying to apologize about it anyway. So yeah...I know how fruitless contacting her is....I get a temporary "buzz" from it, but she never says what I want her to say; that she misses me, that she thinks about me, that she has second thoughts about me. A guy from my divorce support group says she's never going to tell me even if she does because it would be like admitting she was wrong about going through with the divorce. Does it even matter if she misses me, though, if she still isn't willing to give me another chance?

How do you concentrate on yourself when every thought you have throughout the day is about someone else?


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## hank_rea

2ntnuf said:


> Hank,
> 
> Have you had sex with other women since your separation and divorce? If so, what made you want to be with another woman when you say you love your wife? If so, what has stopped you from pursuing one of those women? If so, didn't it tear you apart inside?
> 
> What is it you hang on to? Is it the idea that you think she is the best for you? Is it the thought that you will never find another woman? Is it the thought that you will never find a woman as good for you as she was?
> 
> What is it you would like her to do? I know you have stated you would like to move back in with her. What, in detail, do you think goes along with that now? I want to know what changes you think will be in your life because of who you two are presently. Do you think she will act the same? Do you think she will want you as her lover? Why?
> 
> Describe to me what you think your life would look like if you two got back together.
> 
> Edit: What kind of belief system do you have? Who do you go to talk with about your divorce? Do you have meetings you attend? What books or articles have you read? How old are you? Have you had any lovers before your wife? How many? What made you leave them? What caused you to choose the woman you just divorced?
> 
> What kind of job do you have? Are your parents still around? What do they think about what you do? Do you have siblings? Are they male or female? Did you ever talk to them about this? What did they say? Do you respect their opinions? What can you provide as proof that you respect their opinions? I am including all of the professionals and family that you may have spoken with in the previous sentence.


Lot of questions: I'll try to answer them all 

-No other sexual partners since splitting with my wife; briefly dated a woman I met on a website, but I broke it off with her because I felt too guilty...still mentally married to the ex

-I just feel like she was "the one", but maybe she was just going along with what I wanted so that I wouldn't leave. I dunno...she was just so good to me. She cooked for me after working, even when I was home all day, she would do anything I liked sexually, she made me feel like I was the most important thing in her life...and now she treats me like a used tissue. I'm holding on to the past....when she loved me as much as I still love her. I just can't believe this is the same person.

-To be honest, right now I don't want to live with her again. I was just throwing that idea out there to see what she would say. People surprise you sometimes. If she was really doing that poorly financially she might be willing to give it a shot. (shrug) And I honestly think if we started living together again that eventually we would make our way back to each other. That may be one of the reasons she's so adamant about not seeing me right now. She doesn't want to open herself up again. But then again, I could be wrong.

-If we got back together my life would be much better than it is right now. She is all I want in this world. That is the honest to God truth. 

-I grew up as a Muslim....I don't really consider myself to be "religious" though. I talk to pretty much anyone who will listen about the divorce. My mother says that she thinks if I give my ex time that eventually she'll come around. A guy from my divorce support group heavily stresses not contacting her because she can't miss what is still there...he has had two divorces and both of his exes came back. I have sisters...I speak to the youngest about the divorce...she's very mature. She tells me things like "give it time" as well....and tells me to try and be easy going and upbeat if I contact my ex...pretty much the same advice I get here. She seems to think there's a bit of hope there as well from what I gather. I respect everyone's opinion who talks to me...in RL and on here...but I'm stubborn...I have to do things my own way. And my job...ugh...I count inventory for Home Depot. The pay sucks and it's part time. It's all I have right now, though.


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## hank_rea

-Of course I wouldn't go back to living the way that brought me here. I'd be much more attentive and open to her suggestions. She said the main reason she fell out of love with me was neglect. At first I thought she was exaggerating, but this time apart has allowed me to reflect and I really was pretty crummy to her at times. 

-She told me that she was happy with me for 8 years (we were together for 9) I personally think those good 8 are worth giving it another shot. It baffles me how she can say that the bad overshadows the good for her...like all of that time together in happiness never happened. I guess I'll never understand. 

-Well, I wouldn't be sitting up wondering what she's doing or who with. I wouldn't be upset that a woman who used to get angry with me if I didn't call her on my lunch breaks or on the way home from work doesn't even give me the time of day anymore (she bought a new car and didn't tell me about it until 3 weeks later) I wouldn't be missing her. I wouldn't be in this hell. I wouldn't have to come here. My life would be infinitely better if she took me back. 

-I already answered this question in my other post. I'll never find another woman who does for me what she did. Maybe that's a good thing in the end, though. It made me way too complacent and I didn't even put any thought into what she wanted. WE made the relationship all about my needs. 

-The way how at first my ex was adamantly against getting back together, then it changed to, "give me time to think." Now it's, "I can't get past what you said after you signed the papers...it's going to take me a long time to forgive you." She also told me that the only reason she divorced me is because she was mad at me...I asked her point blank about this. I don't know if she's just leading me on or what...but it seems like she's flip-flopping a bit. Plus, she hasn't told me to stop contacting her yet even though I've been pretty much harassing her for the last 3 months. Maybe she's just too nice (yeah right) to tell me flat out to f*** off. 

-Hell no I'm not satisfied with my lifestyle.

-She may have, but I was making more money than her. My job now is not the same as the job I had when I was married to her. I live 4 hours away from her now and had to relocate. I honestly think she was a little jealous of me. I only worked 3 days a week and still made a decent salary. I sat around on my butt Monday through Thursday every week. 

-I worked for the entire time that we were married. As a matter of fact, while we were dating, I found a job down there where she is while visiting. Once I put in the two weeks notice at the job I had at the time, I started work immediately after I moved in with her. I had the same job for almost 9 years. 

-I was unemployed after we separated. I had to move to Atlanta from Savannah and had a difficult time finding a job. 

-She does construction work (I'm not joking) I've tried to get her to pursue another avenue but she likes working outside and says it's all she knows how to do. Yeah, she's a bit of a tomboy.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

hank_rea said:


> -The way how at first my ex was adamantly against getting back together, then it changed to, "give me time to think." Now it's, "I can't get past what you said after you signed the papers...it's going to take me a long time to forgive you." She also told me that the only reason she divorced me is because she was mad at me...I asked her point blank about this. I don't know if she's just leading me on or what...but it seems like she's flip-flopping a bit. Plus, she hasn't told me to stop contacting her yet even though I've been pretty much harassing her for the last 3 months. Maybe she's just too nice (yeah right) to tell me flat out to f*** off.
> 
> 
> 
> You need to STOP thinking that there is any chance of getting back together. SHE IS DONE. I have been there, so trust me, I know. No amount of whining, crying, or reminiscing is going to make her change her mind. She feels sorry for you. She doesnt need time to think, and she isnt flip-flopping. She feels guilty so she reverts back to trying to say something nice because you are being so pathetic. YES, she is too nice to tell you to fvck off. But thats what she wants, she wants you to leave her alone so that she can get on with her life, just like you need to be doing. So be nice back and leave her the hell alone.
Click to expand...


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## hank_rea

As painful as it was to read that, it's exactly what I needed to hear. And it's what I suspected for a while. The whole reason she kept her true feelings from me was because she didn't want to hurt me...pretty ironic that what kept me from walking away from her all those years ago is what kept us married as long as we were: pity. I guess she doesn't have any problem lying to me. I have asked her before point blank if she told me that she went through with the divorce because she was mad at me instead of being done with me and moving on because she didn't want to hurt my feelings and she said no...that it was the truth. Also about not giving me another chance because she couldn't get past what I said to her after signing the D papers. She would even get mad at me for not believing her. Then again, it wouldn't be the first time she got angry at me for not believing her lies....


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## hank_rea

2ntnuf said:


> Thank you, Hank. I will be back to comment. I have to take a little break. I will be on here for a little while. I just need to relax and look around. I will not forget.
> 
> You have really opened up and gotten to some of the meat of this. Some things are really good and some are not so good. The biggest thing is you've already divorced. I am a little confused. Probably because I am tired.
> 
> I would guess that you need a little break after all of that. That had to be exhausting.  I'll be back.


Maybe I'm just naive but I don't believe divorce has to be the end. I mean, neither of us have died, have we? It's just that the reasons she gave for ending the marriage seem so damn minor and easy to fix. I figured if I could convince her that I had changed that she would be willing to work things out. Unfortunately I haven't done a good job of restraining myself despite several warnings that my behavior was no doubt just pushing her further away. I simply couldn't control myself. I would have fairly good days where I could talk to her without bringing up the relationship and she would even initiate a few texts but then I went right back into pressure mode. She tells me that she just wants to be alone right now and I really have no reason to doubt that. I've told her how I feel (ad nauseum) and let her know my e-mail address in case she ever changes her mind. There's really nothing left for me to say to her...

...Now I know this, but will I be able to follow through and leave her alone? Only time will tell I suppose.


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## hank_rea

I will admit, though, that I am tempted to ask her again if she told me she needed time to think because she felt sorry for me and was trying to let me down easy but it wouldn't solve anything and if she actually did say, "yes" even though it's what I suspect it would just make me feel worse. It feels like something I have to do, though.


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## hank_rea

There may be something to that. Yeah, she will never be able to feel the way about me that I feel about her. I wasn't her first love or her first sexual partner. To her, I'm probably just another in a long line of failed relationships. She told me that when she left her first husband (and he didn't try to pursue her) she didn't have any second thoughts. I guess I thought if I tried to "fight" for her that it would be different. That she'd realize that I really do love her and that maybe walking away from me might be a mistake. I told her this the other day and she responded with, "I wish you'd just stop harassing me about it." And yeah, she did tell me about a month ago that her patience was wearing thin. I know what we both need right now is space. It's very hard for me to not contact her, though. And it hurts even more knowing that she isn't trying to contact me---that if she _wanted _to talk to me, she would. I had self esteem issues already and being rejected like this, especially by someone I thought would never leave me, hurts more than anything I have ever experienced in my life. I feel as if I will never get over this.


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## whitehawk

hank , sorry about your sitch , it's that hard l know. Dunno about pity love though but do you ever ask yourself why you want her back , what you love about HER , why you love HER ?
l tend to get more need in all this , much more so than the girl , the person, well what l could read anyway , can't read the whole thing.
But the need comes through very loud to me . 
Well she'd be pickin that up to and it'd be absolutely buggin the [email protected] out of her mate. But it's really bad news for you too.

You should listen to what a lot are saying and make yourself step back , step away , think about you for awhile and do all the 180 self help stuff . Give all this a chance to get into perspective for you , her , a breather . You seem to really need to just do this stuff , leave her a lone for awhile , think about you.

my 2 cents worth


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## hank_rea

I have had three weeks of NC before and all it did was make me miss her even more. I know constantly contacting her is not helping me and if I keep going at the rate I am, she's going to tell me to stop texting her or she's simply going to stop replying to everything I send. Worse, she may seek legal action for harassment. Yes.....backing off is definitely what I need to be doing, but it doesn't really feel beneficial. I'm just way too obsessed with her. 

And yes....it all comes from a need...a need to be loved, a need to have someone to come home to after work...to kiss, to hold, to make love to, to shower with, to give foot rubs, to text througout the day and share your most intimate thoughts with. My ex wife was my best friend in the world....she was also, unfortunately, my only friend. Losing her feels like losing everything. And as I said earlier, I'm especially attached to her because she was my first serious relationship and first sexual partner. Plus, (and I don't know how much of this was real or how much she was just going along with to make me happy) we had so much in common. When we went to visit my family, my sister would say that my ex and I were "exactly alike". I miss her so much....and like I said before, it's impossible to think about me. All I care about is her.


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## hank_rea

I don't even know if I know what love is. They say you can't truly love someone else unless you first love yourself. I don't love myself. I know I don't. I may have looked to her for that love. I can't even honestly say that I was ever that thrilled to be with her. I said before that I was embarrassed to be seen in public with her (due to my own sh** mostly) and I felt bad about it, but I never fantasized of going away on vacation with her or anything while we were together. I left her to come visit my family for my sister's college graduation and not once did I ever think, "I wish she was here with me right now." I actually felt more comfortable and had a better time since she wasn't there. All of this on top of the fact that days before I left, she was sitting up in bed crying, telling me, "please don't go" and calling me every day that I was away begging me to come back home. 

I don't know....maybe she just put way too much energy into trying to keep me happy and satisfied that she's just drained now. It would definitely explain her saying that she is done with relationships in general, at least for the time being (if that's even the truth, and I have my doubts) All I know is I'm tired of coming here posting the same thing every day. 16 pages of me pissing and moaning about her. I wish I could get excited about what the future holds and about meeting someone who I could have a much more healthy relationship with in the future, but my mind is just fixed on her. She's all I think about. It doesn't matter what I'm doing....I go to the store (or work) and see a couple: bam! I hear a song over the loud speaker: bam! I take a look at my car and remember all the times she sat beside me and held my hand...how we would joke around with each other and play fight: bam! Everything triggers some kind of memory of her. Staying busy/distracted just doesn't work! And if I do manage to have a halfway decent day, there she is in my dreams. I just don't know what the hell to do.


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## hank_rea

I think the hardest part for me in all of this is having to deal with her moving forward with someone else. Her doing all the things she used to do with me with another man. Looking into his eyes, telling him that she loves him, holding his hand, kissing him affectionately, showering with him, sitting on his lap on the couch, snuggling in bed, making love, he may even sleep on "my" side of the bed..if it's not happening right now it will eventually. I really just can't process that. It's far too painful.


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## 3Xnocharm

hank_rea said:


> I will admit, though, that I am tempted to ask her again if she told me she needed time to think because she felt sorry for me and was trying to let me down easy but it wouldn't solve anything and if she actually did say, "yes" even though it's what I suspect it would just make me feel worse. It feels like something I have to do, though.


NO. JUST STOP. You are beating a dead horse, Hank. LET IT GO. I'm suprised she hasnt blocked you by now. She does not want to be with you. I know firsthand how fvcking hard that is to come to terms with, but you have to. She is moving on, and you need to do the same.


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## hank_rea

2ntnuf said:


> I read this as maybe you didn't love her. You will have to figure that out for yourself.
> 
> I know everything I enjoyed doing was enhanced by my ex-wife's presence. I appreciated hearing her point of view. I enjoyed her sense of humor and wit. I enjoyed her body and spirit.
> 
> I can fully understand someone else enjoying those as well. They are remnants of what I knew. They can't and won't be the same. They can't and will never be as deeply felt. They will have to be different. She is no longer the same person, just as I am not the same person. So, what you are dreaming of her doing with others is not only impossible, it is harmful to you.
> 
> She can never have what she had with you.
> 
> Maybe you need to reflect a little more on yourself, Hank?
> 
> I read that you never found what you were looking for in your ex-wife. I wonder if you truly knew what it was that you wanted?


Perhaps I didn't. In the beginning of our relationship she wanted kids, I did not. Later on, that switched. I really would some day like a son to carry on my name (I'm the 4th). And as I said earlier, I don't even know if I know what love is. I definitely adored my ex wife.....she was my best friend and it often felt as if she was my perfect match (at least in personality) And the "love" I thought I had for her could have just been codependency. I was also very insecure. When we were dating I told her to get a tattoo with my name on it (yeah I know....huge d!ck move, plus it's a curse) and would question everything. Lot of crap this lady had to put up with from me.


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## whitehawk

First up just so l remember , Hank 3 wks mate sorry but try 6mths, 12.
We were 18yrs , split 8mths ago. We had a real love, one off, she says even now she'll never match us and l doubt l will either but , we got messed up and this has happened , nother story.
l don't know myself what l think of the 180 stuff either . l believe it would kill R chances in some sitch's but your's , your's does need time and space big time , can see that and you need to get your bearings , l can't really see a choice.
The future stuff , takes a lot longer , step at a time !


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## whitehawk

2ntnuf said:


> This is why I thnk the 180 only works well for those who do not know this love you are speaking of.
> 
> Nuf , really curious about what you've said here as it's along the lines of my own sitch and how l still can not decide even after 8mths , if 180 stuff could break us worse .
> 
> l did have to live basically 180ish of sorts anyway , from day one just to get myself through . But if we had any chance of R , wanted R , for us l've felt 180ing might make it even worse.
> Some of it is l've felt for x, my distance, independence, could well maybe even make her feel proved right and switch off for good .
> We also always thrived on contact , so less or none could ice the cake.


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## hank_rea

whitehawk said:


> First up just so l remember , Hank 3 wks mate sorry but try 6mths, 12.
> We were 18yrs , split 8mths ago. We had a real love, one off, she says even now she'll never match us and l doubt l will either but , we got messed up and this has happened , nother story.
> l don't know myself what l think of the 180 stuff either . l believe it would kill R chances in some sitch's but your's , your's does need time and space big time , can see that and you need to get your bearings , l can't really see a choice.
> The future stuff , takes a lot longer , step at a time !


Yeah I was prepared to go the distance (she told me she needed time to think) but she broke NC after only 3 weeks. I guess nothing is preventing me from completely severing contact now.....aside from my obvious addiction/obsession with her.


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## Hoosier

White hawk: you have the 180 all wrong. It is NOT about getting them back, it is about getting YOU to a better place. Fixing YOU. Getting you prepared for a better life, maybe reattaching your spouse, but more importantly making you a better person for your next relationship.

Hank, All this chasing is not helping, it's just making you more unattractive. For whatever reason, she has fallen out of love with you. All you are doing now is confirming for her her choices. The 180 may bring her back, may not, but do it for yourself.


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## hank_rea

Hoosier said:


> White hawk: you have the 180 all wrong. It is NOT about getting them back, it is about getting YOU to a better place. Fixing YOU. Getting you prepared for a better life, maybe reattaching your spouse, but more importantly making you a better person for your next relationship.
> 
> Hank, All this chasing is not helping, it's just making you more unattractive. For whatever reason, she has fallen out of love with you. All you are doing now is confirming for her her choices. The 180 may bring her back, may not, but do it for yourself.


Fear plays a big role. The fear that if I don't remind her that I am still there that she will simply forget about me. Our distance has a lot to do with it. Out of sight, out of mind and all that. But yes I see how detrimental my approach has been and me constantly making promises to her and going back on them only strengthen her concerns that whatever changes I made to become a better partner for her would just be temporary. What she says to me, her reasons for not wanting to give me another chance, seem genuinely sincere. I don't know if she's just managed to manipulate me or what, but I have exhibited some extremely unattractive behavior these past 4 months. 

As for why she hasn't completely cut me off yet? Probably hasn't found my replacement yet.


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## doureallycare2

hank_rea said:


> I don't even know if I know what love is. They say you can't truly love someone else unless you first love yourself. I don't love myself. I know I don't.
> 
> 
> I think your correct, many people confuse the word love with things like passion and infatuation.
> This is what love is:
> 
> Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
> 
> How much do we long for a deep abiding love like this describes, even without our being aware of it? and can we give this type of love? I can tell you it is a constant decision. it does not come naturally to most of us. Its hard work. Its not just a word or a "feeling". Its a commitment to do all of the above, and when you fail at one or more, you pick the gauntlet back up and try angain the next hour, the next day. That’s what love is.
> 
> I may have looked to her for that love. I can't even honestly say that I was ever that thrilled to be with her. I said before that I was embarrassed to be seen in public with her (due to my own sh** mostly) and I felt bad about it, but I never fantasized of going away on vacation with her or anything while we were together. I left her to come visit my family for my sister's college graduation and not once did I ever think, "I wish she was here with me right now." I actually felt more comfortable and had a better time since she wasn't there.
> 
> 
> When the relationship seems over and your now living apart, we tend to romanticize our x partner. Usually because of our own loneliness. When I finally made the decision to divorce my husband of 35 years, I knew I was going to have a very difficult time in this regard. I had not only spent years in emotional abuse and infidelity but I also spent years building a comfort zone around the marriage as dysfunctional as it was. He was my companion, my best friend, my lover, the father of my children. I was married at 18 years old. I didnt know anything but us and our relationship. And yes I love him with a deep abiding love. I think I will always love him. There are moments just in a regular day that i will think oh if he were with me we would be doing this, or he would call and talk to me right now about that, and we would make a joke. Let alone momentous occasions, such as our 36th aniv that was Jun 13th, or Christmas, or my sons birthday and the birth of our grandson. What it taks from me though is when I start getting in that dark place of loneness and wishing he was here with me I actively remind myself things like: "Well last aniv he sent you beautiful flowers and card and you found out he was having sex with the other woman the morning he sent those to your work." If you were still together he would hug and kiss you on the grandbabys birth then text girlfriend he had a grandbaby.....I remind my self of his grabbing me because he got mad the bread was left open and a whole jug of milk getting thrown against the wall because he didnt hear me responding to his question. People dont understand how I can miss that.. I dont, as much as there was plenty of that in our years together, there were many more good times. there was love, there was joy, there were "wonderful-memories". And what we miss is those times because now we dont have them.
> 
> All I know is I'm tired of coming here posting the same thing every day. 16 pages of me pissing and moaning about her. I wish I could get excited about what the future holds and about meeting someone who I could have a much more healthy relationship with in the future, but my mind is just fixed on her. She's all I think about. It doesn't matter what I'm doing....I go to the store (or work) and see a couple: bam! I hear a song over the loud speaker: bam! I take a look at my car and remember all the times she sat beside me and held my hand...how we would joke around with each other and play fight: bam! Everything triggers some kind of memory of her. Staying busy/distracted just doesn't work! And if I do manage to have a halfway decent day, there she is in my dreams. I just don't know what the hell to do.


Last Christmas I was in such a dark place, I went down to my sons, who didnt have enough room for me to stay with him and ended up having to stay with his in-laws over Christmas. My 1st Christmas without my husband (staying with strangers). My phone had broken the morning of my commute and I didnt have any internet access at their home, and they had no TV. I went to my room every night by 8:30pm and read and journaled. The first couple of days were excruciating!! By the end of the week I felt better then I had in I cant tell you how long, he couldn’t text me or email me, I couldnt contact him. I heard nothing from friends or relatives about him, I couldn’t complain to others about him or talk how I missed him. So within days he wasnt on my mind as much, it was amazing!! I was healing! When I got home he came to the house almost immediately and once again begged my forgiveness and wanted to talk about his mistakes, but I could really see how it was just that he wanted his cake and eat it to. Im sure he meant everything, Im sure he does love me, but his is a selfish love. He can’t change, he doesn’t even say he will or that he'll try agian (he's been to counsling before). Just how sorry he is that he has messed "His" life up so bad..." It gave me the strength to say no again and that Im going through with the divorce. 

NC is the best way to heal, Its hard and it may take you going away for a week were you cant contact her. But for your sake you have to do it......

I feel for you, the pain of loneliness and broken heart is like nothing else. Berating yourself wont help, we all heal in different ways and in our own time... And it takes time!!! You will heal!!!


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## hank_rea

Ugh..it pains me to admit this and I wasn't going to say anything, but I've shared the rest of my sad story with you guys, so here it goes. I broke NC yesterday. Yeah, I know. I was sitting in my car waiting to be picked up to go on a job and I got the brilliant idea to call my old phone number (the one my ex wife was supposedly cutting off due to financial reasons) Previously it went straight to voice mail, as if the phone was powered down. Yesterday, it actually rang! I got furious. I immediately texted her asking why the phone was ringing when she said she was going to cut it off? She said she's at Verizon right now selling it back to them and that they turned it back on to make sure it worked. I said, "Ok" and just waited. Called the number back and left a message. I told her "new lover" to watch out for her...that she isn't to be trusted. That she broke up with me after 9 years with only a few days' warning. She listened to the message and told me thank you for embarrassing her at Verizon. I told her thank you for ruining my life. 

I then went full r#tard and confronted her with 3x's very valid theory. She denied it. Said I was wrong. So, I asked her, if she doesn't want me to f*** off, why does she never contact me, not tell me about her new car until 3 weeks later, and didn't want me to text her on her birthday? She replied with, "I just didn't want to talk to you for a while." I had to go to work...when I got off I apologized and told her that she probably doesn't believe it to be sincere since I've been breaking my word so often. She tells me I've broken my word too much. I tell her I'm trying but it's hard...she doesn't understand what I'm going through and never will, just like I'll never understand how she can just ignore 8 good years and choose to focus on just one. She then replies with, "Sorry for ruining your life." This infuriated me. I tell her that if what she says is bullsh**. That she doesn't care about me or what she's done to me...how I am constantly thinking of her, missing her, and dreaming about her. How I can't enjoy simple things that used to make me happy anymore. I told her to save her hollow apology. She didn't reply.

I waited and then got the great idea to call her...from my new phone number...that she didn't have....ugh. I told her that I didn't appreciate her telling me that she was sorry when she truly wasn't. I then go into everything again and try to explain why I'm acting the way that I am: because she turned her back on me. I used to be the most important person in her life and now she cares less about me than her coworkers. I then bring up the first time we met (which I texted her about in detail about a week ago, but she brushed off) and asked her if she cares about that at all? She said she does, but...I cut her off. I tell her that if she was really that concerned about our history that she wouldn't just focus on the bad...there should be way more good memories than bad if she was really happy with me for 8 of our 9 years together. I say that she's just focusing on the bad to validate her decision to end the marriage...to make it seem like she made the right decision, but that she DID NOT make the right decision. I tell her the problems we had were minor and could have easily been worked out if she gave me a chance. She then reiterates the reason why she doesn't want to get back together. She also says she doesn't trust any changes I make to stick (she told me this before) I explain to her that I would be an idiot to go back to my old ways if she took me back. That this is by far the most excruciating thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. I also explain to her that she shouldn't tell me that she needs time to think when she knows full well, without the shadow of a doubt that she doesn't want to give it another shot, as that only gives me false hope. She was crying for a lot of this conversation. She does that a lot, though...she tells me maybe later, but she can't get back together now.

I calm down and say, alright...I've said my piece, you know my feelings and they aren't going to change anytime soon. If you truly, honestly believe that time will help you get over what I said and perhaps rebuild your trust in me, then I'm willing to wait for you, but I can't wait forever. I want you to think about that, okay? She said yes and I hung up. I later shot her a text saying that if she was being straight up with me that she indeed had a legit gripe (about me breaking my word) and told her I would make her one last promise. I won't ever bring up getting back together with her again. If she wants to give me another chance, I'm sure she'll tell me. And that was it.

Yeah, 3x and company...let me have it. I deserve it. lol

And no, 2ntnuf, I'd say right now my chances are less than zero. ;p


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## doureallycare2

2ntnuf said:


> Hank,
> 
> 
> Edit: Paul's letter to the Corinthians is an ideal that can never be achieved by humans. It is a goal to work toward.


Hense my saying: I can tell you it is a constant decision. it does not come naturally to most of us. Its hard work. Its not just a word or a "feeling". Its a commitment to do all of the above, and when you fail at one or more, you pick the gauntlet back up and try again the next hour, the next day.


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## doureallycare2

[Quote I want you to think about that, okay? She said yes and I hung up. I later shot her a text saying that if she was being straight up with me that she indeed had a legit gripe (about me breaking my word) and told her I would make her one last promise. I won't ever bring up getting back together with her again. If she wants to give me another chance, I'm sure she'll tell me. And that was it.

Yeah, 3x and company...let me have it. I deserve it. lol

And no, 2ntnuf, I'd say right now my chances are less than zero. ;p[/QUOTE]

So how long did you give her to think about maybe you not being there if she changes her mind? 3 minutes? 3 hours? how long did that later last? She knows you will bring this up again, she knows you will be waiting. All your doing now is reinforcing her distain and disrespect for you. You’re missing her, but not giving her time to miss you...Keep pushing and she'll keep running.


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## hank_rea

This is it. It's the only way I'll have even an ounce of a chance at getting back with her. I need to keep my word this time. Not just for her, but if I can manage to will myself to not bring up the relationship anymore when I talk to her, I can pretty much will myself to do anything. This will be a good goal for me, I think. Besides, I'm getting tired of getting rejected. If I don't pursue, I can't get turned down.


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## 3Xnocharm

hank_rea said:


> This is it. It's the only way I'll have even an ounce of a chance at getting back with her. I need to keep my word this time. Not just for her, but if I can manage to will myself to not bring up the relationship anymore when I talk to her, I can pretty much will myself to do anything. This will be a good goal for me, I think. Besides, I'm getting tired of getting rejected. If I don't pursue, I can't get turned down.


Hank. You are STILL looking at this all wrong. You need to STOP thinking in terms of getting her back. That ship has long since sailed! You need to not talk to her AT ALL. About ANYTHING. You need to let her go for yourself, for your own life and future. She doesnt want to be with you. Are you currently in therapy?


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## 3Xnocharm

hank_rea said:


> Ugh..it pains me to admit this and I wasn't going to say anything, but I've shared the rest of my sad story with you guys, so here it goes. I broke NC yesterday. Yeah, I know. I was sitting in my car waiting to be picked up to go on a job and I got the brilliant idea to call my old phone number (the one my ex wife was supposedly cutting off due to financial reasons) Previously it went straight to voice mail, as if the phone was powered down. Yesterday, it actually rang! I got furious. I immediately texted her asking why the phone was ringing when she said she was going to cut it off? She said she's at Verizon right now selling it back to them and that they turned it back on to make sure it worked. I said, "Ok" and just waited. Called the number back and left a message. I told her "new lover" to watch out for her...that she isn't to be trusted. That she broke up with me after 9 years with only a few days' warning. She listened to the message and told me thank you for embarrassing her at Verizon. I told her thank you for ruining my life.
> 
> I then went full r#tard and confronted her with 3x's very valid theory. She denied it. Said I was wrong. So, I asked her, if she doesn't want me to f*** off, why does she never contact me, not tell me about her new car until 3 weeks later, and didn't want me to text her on her birthday? She replied with, "I just didn't want to talk to you for a while." I had to go to work...when I got off I apologized and told her that she probably doesn't believe it to be sincere since I've been breaking my word so often. She tells me I've broken my word too much. I tell her I'm trying but it's hard...she doesn't understand what I'm going through and never will, just like I'll never understand how she can just ignore 8 good years and choose to focus on just one. She then replies with, "Sorry for ruining your life." This infuriated me. I tell her that if what she says is bullsh**. That she doesn't care about me or what she's done to me...how I am constantly thinking of her, missing her, and dreaming about her. How I can't enjoy simple things that used to make me happy anymore. I told her to save her hollow apology. She didn't reply.
> 
> I waited and then got the great idea to call her...from my new phone number...that she didn't have....ugh. I told her that I didn't appreciate her telling me that she was sorry when she truly wasn't. I then go into everything again and try to explain why I'm acting the way that I am: because she turned her back on me. I used to be the most important person in her life and now she cares less about me than her coworkers. I then bring up the first time we met (which I texted her about in detail about a week ago, but she brushed off) and asked her if she cares about that at all? She said she does, but...I cut her off. I tell her that if she was really that concerned about our history that she wouldn't just focus on the bad...there should be way more good memories than bad if she was really happy with me for 8 of our 9 years together. I say that she's just focusing on the bad to validate her decision to end the marriage...to make it seem like she made the right decision, but that she DID NOT make the right decision. I tell her the problems we had were minor and could have easily been worked out if she gave me a chance. She then reiterates the reason why she doesn't want to get back together. She also says she doesn't trust any changes I make to stick (she told me this before) I explain to her that I would be an idiot to go back to my old ways if she took me back. That this is by far the most excruciating thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. I also explain to her that she shouldn't tell me that she needs time to think when she knows full well, without the shadow of a doubt that she doesn't want to give it another shot, as that only gives me false hope. She was crying for a lot of this conversation. She does that a lot, though...she tells me maybe later, but she can't get back together now.
> 
> I calm down and say, alright...I've said my piece, you know my feelings and they aren't going to change anytime soon. If you truly, honestly believe that time will help you get over what I said and perhaps rebuild your trust in me, then I'm willing to wait for you, but I can't wait forever. I want you to think about that, okay? She said yes and I hung up. I later shot her a text saying that if she was being straight up with me that she indeed had a legit gripe (about me breaking my word) and told her I would make her one last promise. I won't ever bring up getting back together with her again. If she wants to give me another chance, I'm sure she'll tell me. And that was it.
> 
> Yeah, 3x and company...let me have it. I deserve it. lol
> 
> And no, 2ntnuf, I'd say right now my chances are less than zero. ;p


This was completely pathetic.


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## hank_rea

I understand what you're saying but isn't every situation different? I know she doesn't want to be with me, and she has given very valid reasons for it. Yes, I do need to make some changes in my life..not just for her, but for myself as well. And I know that it's silly to put faith in her "coming around" right now when the desire just doesn't seem to be there at all, but it's the only damn thing keeping me going. Like people have been telling me, I am not giving her time to miss me. I keep hounding her with pressure to get back together and I'm not respecting her wishes. I complain that she just focuses on the bad when I am the one who keeps reminding her of it with my behavior. No, I'm not currently in therapy, but I did try to make an appointment on Friday. The office never called me back.


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## whitehawk

2ntnuf said:


> whitehawk said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 2ntnuf said:
> 
> 
> 
> This is why I thnk the 180 only works well for those who do not know this love you are speaking of.
> 
> Nuf , really curious about what you've said here as it's along the lines of my own sitch and how l still can not decide even after 8mths , if 180 stuff could break us worse .
> 
> 
> 
> whitehawk said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Exactly. The thing is, there is a balance. You can't be a doormat, but you can't completely cut her out of your life.
> 
> Thanks for that Nuf.
> Your right , you really do need a tailored thing for each sitch to , especially mine, that's why l'm still digging 8mths later . Mines totally different to most .
> 180'ng me before she left , coz she was . She'd been counseling , reading , seeing doctors , she went text book. And for 4 or 5mths after moving out.
> You know what the thing there is though, it was ME , who was living the 180 long before that, 18mths , I'd never heard of it then - 2 1/2 yes ago.
> Thats why NC coming from me now if we were thinking R, could actually make it even worse because it would rehash hurt even further.
> 
> My needs weren't being met , remember "your" needs to Nuf, nowhere near it , that's one of the biggies that brought it and my EA on , plus stress , plus other stuff.
> They stop trying to Nuf and do a lot of destructive stuff too, that's another reason there's so many just walking dead husbands around .
> So l appreciate a lot of what your saying but mate l do think too , your putting way too much on the guys alone here yet basically letting the girls of scott free that's not fair on you , us , anyone.
> Remember , we need change to , we need top ups , we have sex preferences, need effort in all the right places, we don't like this and we do love that.
> They get just as slack in a marriage as men and understand no more than men do - that's why every mens club on the net is actually full of women. Just walk through any mall or watch people you know , it is a two way street to Nuf .
> How's this , l read somewhere guys want her to stay how she was when they met, I did , she changed so much - women think they're going to change him into what they want .
> Just sayin , ease up yourself because it does take two to tango and your just as important as she is .
> 
> But yeah too Nuf , l see what you mean in looking back to. Again with us we are a different scenario to most. We were a classic couple , amazing chemistry , got a long so well , 15 yrs. We use to laugh at all the stuff everywhere. This isn't the place ours is a really big nother story but none the less.
> 
> But you would imagine he's saying maybe back to your good stuff more than change as such . You have to be yourself in life , true to you but we lose that in stresses and the bs married life can get . They lose it too. l'd be needing big changes too and 'm in a position now to be able to be looking at those in her myself too .
> l've done well , really well , damn well impressed myself in fact and I've had huge things to deal with on top of the marriage breakup and my d.
> 
> So to me what made him go that way is just as important as anything else . Yeah sometimes we get slack but hey so do they. It doesn't matter what you do on yourself if your just going back to the thing that helped put it there in the first place , you can't kid yourself about that stuff or 2yrs back in and you'll just be there again with her and kicking yourself for bothering and that's one of my concerns.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...


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## hank_rea

3Xnocharm said:


> This was completely pathetic.


Indeed. Why do you think I was so reluctant about telling you guys?


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## hank_rea

I don't know what it's going to take for me to finally see the light. In my mind, I'm still married to this woman. No matter how many times I force myself to read the divorce papers, or the facts that I have written down in my journal, I can't cut off the reconciliation fantasies. Maybe it's because I lack closure. We never had a proper goodbye. I just told her off and left. Then we communicated over the phone. I just can't get my mind off the past...the happy times. It's all there was on my side. I don't have any overly bad memories of her at all. Apparently she didn't see things the same way, but she was on the other end of my selfishness (that she allowed). I don't know....maybe one day I'll snap out of this....


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## whitehawk

hank_rea said:


> This is it. It's the only way I'll have even an ounce of a chance at getting back with her. I need to keep my word this time. Not just for her, but if I can manage to will myself to not bring up the relationship anymore when I talk to her, I can pretty much will myself to do anything. This will be a good goal for me, I think. Besides, I'm getting tired of getting rejected. If I don't pursue, I can't get turned down.



Hank , mate your being too hard on yourself. You went what 3wks and then "she" called you - that's great . So what if you talked it doesn't matter .
Christ my wife-x , or me haven't gone longer than a wk or so max in 8mth and we're doing better than 99% of other couples if anything. It makes no difference , forget the fine print it's neither here nor there if you ask me- everyone breaks it at least a bit it's the principle. This ones gotta be about you and trying to move forward for you. Start thinking back to you is what you really need right now. If you crack now and then , forget about so what. If she does , good , your effecting her.

PS , remember too , just because you haven't found closure yet , the fat lady ain't finished singin buddy. Who knows when that comes but even in my sitch l know that if we don't R , we will one day talk about this stuff . If l need it then l guess that'll be the day.


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## doureallycare2




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## hank_rea

I'll never understand this theory of giving them a chance to miss you. When I'm going to miss you I'll do so the minute you leave my presence. My ex used to miss me when we left each other to go to work. We have not seen each other in nearly 4 months. Why would she suddenly begin to miss me if she hasn't before? Is it just different because she initiated the break-up and wanted me gone? 

I realise it may never actually happen but for the life of me I'll never understand how this works.


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## hank_rea

I'll never understand this theory of giving them a chance to miss you. When I'm going to miss you I'll do so the minute you leave my presence. My ex used to miss me when we left each other to go to work. We have not seen each other in nearly 4 months. Why would she suddenly begin to miss me if she hasn't before? Is it just different because she initiated the break-up and wanted me gone? 

I realise it may never actually happen but for the life of me I'll never understand how this works.


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## whitehawk

But durcare - you talking during R - or trying to get an x to want to R ?

Don't they all say bugging someone too much will push them even further but the NC might make them miss you and then - maybe even want R ? 
This is what l was talking ! In my case l've worried it'll only confirm her hurt !


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## hank_rea

People always use 6 months as the target number, but every case is different. Plus, unfortunately I've never heard a successful R story that didn't involve the wayward spouse experimenting with at least one new partner before deciding to give it another go with the ex. ugh..... 

I really wish I never met her. I'd like to punch the guy who said," 'tis better to have loved and to have lost than to never have loved at all" right in his nose!


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## hank_rea

People always use 6 months as the target number, but every case is different. Plus, unfortunately I've never heard a successful R story that didn't involve the wayward spouse experimenting with at least one new partner before deciding to give it another go with the ex. ugh..... 

I really wish I never met her. I'd like to punch the guy who said," 'tis better to have loved and to have lost than to never have loved at all" right in his nose!


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## whitehawk

2ntnuf said:


> If they don't miss you after the first week or two, I can't see how they would suddenly a month later start. It's just an enticement to get you to move forward to help break your emotional tie with her. That is needed greatly when you are in the midst of emotional horror and pain. No one can think in the middle of that. That's why so many come here to seek advice. They don't know what to do. They're desperate. Edit: The trouble is, by the time it actually works on many, it's too late to reconcile. They've moved on. It does give her new man time to work his plan.
> 
> 
> Yeah exactly, nail on the head again Nuf . Seems so many people go into 180 not only for themselves but hoping eventually things will come back to R to. Even the experts and doctors advise it from what l can tell.
> But I worry exactly about what you've said here if we're also hoping to R later on .


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## whitehawk

hank_rea said:


> People always use 6 months as the target number, but every case is different. Plus, unfortunately I've never heard a successful R story that didn't involve the wayward spouse experimenting with at least one new partner before deciding to give it another go with the ex. ugh.....
> 
> 
> First up , that's interesting points Hank , my x was seeing someone. But then I did have a serious EA before all this .
> l to personally know of and have read about dozens of people R'ing a year , 2 yrs later , at least 6 mths is very common.
> l know one couple that R after 5 yrs. They both knew different people before.
> The missing thing , dunno , that's just what they all seem to advise. l'm still often 180 confused myself, depending on the sitch.
> But she does need space and time , so do you !


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## whitehawk

2ntnuf said:


> 6 months is what I have said because I read it somewhere on a site that talked about the brain and neuropathways formed by the pleasant experiences associated with love and chemical responses in the brain. I also "weasled" it out of the Phd. level psychologist I talked with. By the way, he told me to stay away from my wife for three months. I did and wanted to talk with her after that. He told me I could and then left doubt in my mind that she would be interested at all. He said I could try, though.


Yeah a few weeks isn't long , I've read that too. A lot of sh1t happens in a marriage , it's gonna take awhile if at all.

So what happened when you finally contacted her ?


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## hank_rea

Well I finally got through to my therapist. Appointment Friday at 10 am. I really need this! I will try to talk less about her and inquire about ways of building my self esteem and overcoming this horrible feeling of rejection that's driving me to do all these self-destructive things.


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## whitehawk

Ahh mate I mean no wonder , it's damn tough stuff. See we or most guys , not only have to go through the marriage , but usually lose our kids too , the damn house and lifes work.
They only they lose is you and that's usually while they're screwing someone else anyway , so it's damn rough sh1t !
But my daughter , that's really what killed me, almost went crazy . Thank God for this place is all I can say and a few phone counselors ! 
X also did at least bend over backwards to help d and me in anyway she could , but it was still insane.

So you had a lot of people around you , l wished l did - maybe not now. 
Totally alone except one brother an hr away - he's a good mate really but not much on talking personally . A few calls from my sister who also got dumped - very badly , so it was nice to be able to offer her some comfort too.
X gas been full on fair and extremely helpful with any of our stuff and d too from day one . That's pretty big compared to what most guys seem to get .


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## whitehawk

2ntnuf said:


> Good luck. When you get to my age and banked all your hopes on one thing, it ain't worth worrying about any more. She destroyed me. I, in my ignorance, helped her and it's done. I've done my best in life and it's over now. I'll try to warn others if I can and that's about it.


Ahh maybe not so Nuf , you just never know what's around the next bend . l've been serious down through life a lot of times , often interstate somewhere , wife and little daughter in tow . It can all turn in seconds .
Never say never mate.

ps Same to you to Hank , your sounding better already and yeah good luck for Frid.


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## Awakening2012

hank_rea said:


> No, I'm not currently in therapy, but I did try to make an appointment on Friday. The office never called me back.


Hi Hank -

Try calling again, and try several other therapist's offices until you find one who can book you an appointment. Be prepared to work with the therapist on a trial basis, because sometimes it takes more than one try to find a therapist that is the right "fit" for you. Please do not be passive about this or let it slide, and do not give up!!! You need every tool at your disposal to help you get through this.

Best,- A12


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## hank_rea

I feel like such an ass.

I just thought back on what I did....what I've been doing. I've been trying to get back a woman who, for all intents and purposes, simply got tired of me. And what's worse, I'm sitting here threatening her that I won't be around forever when she isn't even thinking about R at this point. And I wonder why she doesn't miss me. How can you miss someone when they're constantly up your ass? Harassing you with e-mails begging you to take them back? Getting on your nerves? She had enough of me and I just keep trying to force my way back into her life. I see this clearly as the nose on my face right now. I'm not trying to beat myself up, but I've been such a fool. It all makes sense now. Seriously. I think things are going to start getting better from here on out.


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## hank_rea

She claims that there is no one else. That she isn't interested in any man right now. Who the hell knows? I talked to another user on here in another one of my threads...a woman who filed from divorce from her husband who she says I acted very similarly to. She, like my ex wife, just wanted to be alone after her D was final. She said she could relate to what my ex was feeling. I don't think there's anyone else, honestly. At least, not yet.


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## whitehawk

Yeah I go with nuf and others on it all Hank.
It's rarely just one persons fault , there's cause and effects - huge , vise verse needs that aren't being met and often setting reactions in you to just like yours are for them , takes 2 to tango.
But your making real advances here Hank and a lot of us would recognize your stages.
Don't beat yourself up the stages are a good all really good signs for you, the therapists , the lot .


----------



## whitehawk

2ntnuf said:


> Sorry you didn't have someone close by. It is tough to do alone. I doubt I would have made it. I lost 50 lbs. in about a month. I couldn't eat and didn't have enough money to buy groceries. I had to go on food stamps and that wasn't enough because of what I was getting from the insurance, which barely paid my bills. I had extra doctor bills which nearly crushed me. I finally went to the food bank to get some food and was able to then survive. At first, I didn't even know I was hungry. i just didn't eat at all. I felt a pain in my stomach and had no idea why. I was that messed up.
> 
> Edit: I was finally starting hobbies with lionel trains and shooting and reloading. I never had the money to do any of the things I wanted. I had to slowly sell it all to make ends meet. I had no choice. I only kept what I needed.
> 
> 
> 
> @@@ Sorry about how it all rolled for you nuf. if it doesn't rain it fkg poors , why the hell is that. You'd reckon people going through this deserve a break but it gets worse , b2tch !
> I was stuck out on our 1 ac place for the first 5mths of all this , totally alone , flat broke, looked like losing everything l'd been to hell and back for in this last 6yrs , then all this , then more - nice touch ! Still far from outa the woods but l've tried my guts out to set it all up and get on top , slowly making progress if l can hang on. Been hocking and ebaying and trying to get my work up , hours and hours of dirty ph calls to everyone chasing money.
> Bought myself a few treats to start - seems l got payback later though :scratchhead:
> Hope to be able to at least get out a bit soon , saving up for a canoe too .
> Even the jogger machine blew up !
> 
> The girls , yeah damned if l know what l want . Had a few 4x2's lately round here being too down on them, not good l know.
> Did hook up with a girl here for 3-4wks early on , that was nice , just fun .
> 
> Been thinking about the lot , poss R , free and easy single life , someone new , dunno . Up to the Gods right now.
> Yeah gf's would be good for awhile to maybe , no bs , just some fun maybe , dunno.
> Some of my d's friends mums are single and real cute , been tempting but working through it all with the flow right now , see what happens, bit messy maybe . Me don't wants me no more fkg mess
> Hey nuf , got the perfect solution for ya.
> Little money, no ties to speak of then, like the idea of just gf's - move to somewhere aSIA mate. Dollar or two a day , nice whether and lots and lots of nice looking girls


----------



## doureallycare2

hank_rea said:


> I feel like such an ass.
> 
> I just thought back on what I did....what I've been doing. I've been trying to get back a woman who, for all intents and purposes, simply got tired of me. And what's worse, I'm sitting here threatening her that I won't be around forever when she isn't even thinking about R at this point. And I wonder why she doesn't miss me. How can you miss someone when they're constantly up your ass? Harassing you with e-mails begging you to take them back? Getting on your nerves? She had enough of me and I just keep trying to force my way back into her life. I see this clearly as the nose on my face right now. I'm not trying to beat myself up, but I've been such a fool. It all makes sense now. Seriously. I think things are going to start getting better from here on out.


Good for you! As hard as that is to recognize, its a vital part of your recovery!! Don’t be surprised if you fall off the wagon train though, it takes time. Your doing great!


----------



## hank_rea

I suppose praying for God to intervene and soften her heart isn't considered moving forward, huh? I want to believe so badly that what she is saying to me is true....her reasons for not wanting to give me another chance. It's some of the same stuff she told me when she gave me the ILYBNILWY speech. And I have been exhibiting that same behavior this whole time. Before she told me to leave and I actually did, I asked her for an update on her feelings (were they starting to come back yet?) This was only three days after the bomb dropped. She told me it felt like I was rushing her, which I was. Pressuring, no patience....that's me. I realise this. And I know well right now how pointless me contacting her now is....even if I make it a "pleasant experience" for her (not bringing up the relationship, keeping it light-hearted and short, and just asking her how she's doing) because any contact at this point will no doubt be seen as pressuring, plus she simply doesn't want to talk to me. If she did, I wouldn't have to reach out first. I dunno...just venting right now, I guess. Is it really so wrong to hold on to some hope that one day we'll get back together?


----------



## Awakening2012

hank_rea said:


> I want to believe so badly that what she is saying to me is true....her reasons for not wanting to give me another chance. It's some of the same stuff she told me when she gave me the ILYBNILWY speech. And I have been exhibiting that same behavior this whole time.


Why wouldn't you believe her? I don't get it. She has told you loud and clear her reasons. What is your reason for not beleiving her reasons -- maybe because you don't want to hear it or beleive it? I am not trying to be hard on you, and in some recent posts you do sounds like you're making progress with yourself, but you have got to stop stalking her and put your focus squarely on YOU and getting OK with yourself.

I hope you will not give up on finding a good therapist to help you get going down an healthier path to a happier future.

Best Wishes, - A12


----------



## hank_rea

2ntnuf said:


> Hank,
> 
> I have no idea how you get away with this. I only contacted my ex a total of 35 times by email in the first 3 months. That was a whole bunch. I didn't contact her more than 10 times by phone in that same period. After August 2011, I didn't contact her until Feb. 2012. That was the last time.
> 
> I ended up getting in trouble for just that little bit. I don't know how you get away with tormenting her that much. She must be a saint. I hope you can keep NC for your sake. Praying will do you more good than anyone. Do yourself a favor and pray for her. She needs it and it will help you forgive her. It will not help you forget or put it in the past. That will take time and you will have to work that out for yourself.
> 
> Stay away from her Hank. You will end up in jail. I refuse to go anywhere near the ex-wife. I don't want them to know what I'm doing either. It's not their worry or business, just like what she does isn't mine. I won't acknowledge their existence. They are the lowest form of human life I know.


I don't get it. I still plan on sticking to NC. I'm just saying that I hope (and pray) to be with her again some day. I'm not planning on contacting her again and nowhere in my last post do I say so. I have had several moments of weakness, though.....so yeah....but I am determined to make sure that if we talk again, she's going to be the one to initiate it. What I said yesterday (for now at least) is still ringing loud and clear for me. I have no choice. This is something I HAVE to do. 



Awakening2012 said:


> Why wouldn't you believe her? I don't get it. She has told you loud and clear her reasons. What is your reason for not beleiving her reasons -- maybe because you don't want to hear it or beleive it? I am not trying to be hard on you, and in some recent posts you do sounds like you're making progress with yourself, but you have got to stop stalking her and put your focus squarely on YOU and getting OK with yourself.


It's my friend from the divorce support group. He's been around these situations for 25 years. He says that usually what someone tells you is the reason they're splitting up with you isn't really the truth. It's messing with my head. I have no problem looking at myself and all the dumb sh** I've done during my marriage (and continue to do now). I realize that I'm an a**hole a lot of the time. I'm overly critical, have no patience and I joke around way too much. She would tell me time and time again to stop doing certain things because they annoyed her, but I would just keep doing it. I don't know why. 

I guess I'm just scared that she's making excuses to hide the fact that she's met someone else and doesn't want to tell me. And if that is the case, I really wish she'd just be straight with me. Maybe she thinks I'll try to harm them...or myself. Like I said before, though, it doesn't really matter.....the end result is still the same. Regardless of her reasons, she doesn't want me. It's so hard to accept.


----------



## ReGroup

Hank, 

I just got caught up to your story.

Can you tell me about your hobbies and special interest?

Are you hitting the gym?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hank_rea

ReGroup said:


> Hank,
> 
> I just got caught up to your story.
> 
> Can you tell me about your hobbies and special interest?
> 
> Are you hitting the gym?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nothing really aside from tv, the internet and video games. Yes..I know...pretty sad. And no, unfortunately I'm not hitting the gym. Though, I am eating less (not due to depression, I'm simply eating when I'm hungry instead of just sitting in front of the computer all day consuming Coke after Coke) and losing weight.


----------



## ReGroup

hank_rea said:


> Nothing really aside from tv, the internet and video games. Yes..I know...pretty sad. And no, unfortunately I'm not hitting the gym. Though, I am eating less (not due to depression, I'm simply eating when I'm hungry instead of just sitting in front of the computer all day consuming Coke after Coke) and losing weight.


I see - so you haven't done anything for yourself.

Know that your X is literally repulsed by you. Her attraction level to you is - 0 -.

Not only that - with every call, text, and email you keep inflating her already massively inflated ego.

Lose - Lose.

What can we do about that? How are you going to turn things around?

Your marriage to her is done. You aren't.

Every second you waste pining for her, is another second wasted in your life.

What type of shape are you in? Can you afford a gym membership?


----------



## hank_rea

I'm on the flabby side....not gonna lie. And yeah I suppose I can afford a gym membership, but I'd be embarrassed working out in front of people. Guess that's something else I need to work on...


----------



## ReGroup

A large portion of the population is on the flabby side.

Let's save the excuses.

You're a man with options. You just can't see it just yet. Afraid to take that first step forward.

Again, what are you going to do about this?


----------



## hank_rea

Even if I did start working out and got a body like Tyrese, my motivation behind it wouldn't be me....all I'd be thinking is, "wow, if she could see me now!" Also, I don't see how I'm supposed to raise her attraction level if she can't see me....yeah, I know....I'm doing it for me. But I wouldn't be, though! That's the problem.


----------



## whitehawk

Hey Hank how you doin. Mate l know you really feel you want that real explanation but I dunno . l reckon even if she is protecting you personally l'd roll with that and let her,
Really , even if you feel you'd be ok so she tells you, it won't change a thing for her but it could really mess you up , you couldn't be sure right now. Personally to hell with that l'd be letting it ride for now but l'd assume she is. That way you mentally prepare for any more surprises and it also helps keep you away from her.

l was no saint in all this with my sitch and l got involved in a very very hurtful ea . But non the less , when she first told me she wanted to start seeing this guy, l felt sick to the stomach , l wanted to kill him , sometimes her too and it doubled - everything ! 
l was already coping with more hurt than l felt could endure , so all in all , l took that no further and l think it's lucky for me l didn't.
So it's been 8mths for us now . We see each other because of my d at least once a wk , often 2-3times . lt's all very bazaar but it has paid of so much in helping my daughter through this , l'm so proud of her.
But l still have no real idea whether x is still seeing om lately or not . lt's not around my d anymore though atleast , l made damn sure of that when l found out.
But l still can't ask x even after 8mths and feeling pretty good myself finally , can't ask her , l will not talk about that ct full stop.
lt's still too much and as long as whatever she's up to doesn't effect my d
then l'm not goin there , for me !

l have my life now and it's been the fight of my life . Hers is hers unless we're talking R and we're not so ! Yep l wonder , too much sometimes , l snoop about a little if l'm over there to but , l don't really know why , l still don't wanna know if he is still around and l'm sure as hell not telling her any of my sh!t either.
She's been scratching at it just a little , bit of a snoop here , eyes open there , ears prick up , but l tell her jack. It's kinda funny really.


----------



## ReGroup

hank_rea said:


> Even if I did start working out and got a body like Tyrese, my motivation behind it wouldn't be me....all I'd be thinking is, "wow, if she could see me now!" Also, I don't see how I'm supposed to raise her attraction level if she can't see me....yeah, I know....I'm doing it for me. But I wouldn't be, though! That's the problem.


She doesn't want anything to do with the Old You. No one wants anything to do with The Old You.

Know this. I have a feeling you already do.

You are the only person keeping yourself from a new beginning.


----------



## hank_rea

whitehawk said:


> Hey Hank how you doin. Mate l know you really feel you want that real explanation but I dunno . l reckon even if she is protecting you personally l'd roll with that and let her,
> Really , even if you feel you'd be ok so she tells you, it won't change a thing for her but it could really mess you up , you couldn't be sure right now. Personally to hell with that l'd be letting it ride for now but l'd assume she is. That way you mentally prepare for any more surprises and it also helps keep you away from her..


I tried to mentally prepare for her rejecting me again the last time she asked for space to think, but it still was devastating when it happened. I don't think it's possible to prepare myself for something like that. It's going to hurt like hell no matter what I do.



ReGroup said:


> She doesn't want anything to do with the Old You. No one wants anything to do with The Old You.
> 
> Know this. I have a feeling you already do.
> 
> You are the only person keeping yourself from a new beginning.


Heh...you know something, I've been hearing this same stuff for months now and you're the first person to word it quite this way. And you're right....no one wants anything to do with the old/current me. I have no friends, my wife left me, I have no long term goals, no kind of drive....nothing. When people first see me, they're friendly. After getting to know me, usually they kind of just go away. This happens all the time. I just can't maintain relationships. I would just tell myself, "I'm not anti-social, society is anti-me!" But yeah....I guess I really _am_ the problem.


----------



## ReGroup

hank_rea said:


> When people first see me, they're friendly. After getting to know me, usually they kind of just go away. This happens all the time. I just can't maintain relationships.


Everyone is unique and authentic. You're shorting yourself and the world with your insecurities. 

You won't appeal to everyone. You need to understand that. But there is a crowd out there for you.

You DO have great qualities that you can offer society; you need to give yourself a chance to show it.

So about this gym membership - what are you going to do about it?

What type of material have you read?


----------



## sarcasmo

hank_rea said:


> Even if I did start working out and got a body like Tyrese, my motivation behind it wouldn't be me....all I'd be thinking is, "wow, if she could see me now!" Also, I don't see how I'm supposed to raise her attraction level if she can't see me....yeah, I know....I'm doing it for me. But I wouldn't be, though! That's the problem.


This might be your initial motivation to get to the gym and stick with it, but the extra benefit you're not considering is that working out and eating right will help lift you out of this depression you are in. From there you may start to realize this is for you and you deserve it.


----------



## hank_rea

The hardest part of no contact isn't the not contacting her...it's knowing she isn't trying to contact me. I may very well never talk to her again. Maybe I should start just telling myself she's dead. That would be much easier to take than the truth...that she simply rejected me...walked out on me....doesn't want me. I just don't understand how the hell this happened. Well, I do, but I don't...you know?


----------



## hank_rea

So I get this text from my ex today:

"I just can't do it. I don't think I can ever trust you not to go back to your old ways again."

I just deleted it. Not even going to bother replying...unless you guys think I should. I dunno....

EDIT: went ahead and shot her this reply, "Ok. Very sorry you feel that way."

Dammit. I guess this really is it, then. Game over.


----------



## hank_rea

This is it. Now the true 180 starts. Yeah, it sucks getting rejected AGAIN but it's my own fault. Well, I got the idea to send my ex this e-mail....I just saved it to my drafts folder, but I did feel better just typing it out:

_"You don't have to reply to this, but please read it. I feel like I need to explain something to you, and it's probably not going to do me any good, but I just have to get this out. The only reason that I used to constantly go back on my word is because I was arrogant enough to think that there wouldn't be any repercussions for my actions. Yeah, you would be mad at me for a little while, but you always quickly forgave me and never gave me the impression that what I was doing could potentially cost me losing you. That's the reason I kept "going back to my old ways." With this, it's completely different. I now KNOW that I can lose you...because I already have. And the only reason I've been acting so crazy lately is because of fear and paranoia. I've been reading up on what happens when people end relationships. There needs to be a "cooling off" period for both people. I didn't realize this at all and that's why I kept bugging you. You must understand this is all very new to me. You were my first serious relationship. I know this doesn't excuse all of my behavior, but it's the truth. And for all the trouble I've caused you these past 4 months, I am truly sorry."_

Again, I DID NOT send her this e-mail. I would be lying if I said I didn't want to, though.


----------



## hank_rea

I can't promise that I won't some day send that e-mail....I'm just not going to send it today. For now, I'm simply going to chill. In the past, I would push and push and push, she would tell me to give her space to think and when she rejected me, I would argue, get angry, insult, apologize then repeat the process. Trying something different now....what I've been doing hasn't worked: 180 engaged.

I may be insane but I don't feel like this is the end. Only the beginning.


----------



## hank_rea

Usually after getting bad news like this I get extremely depressed. None of that this time. Maybe tomorrow I will feel differently. Maybe I'm being delusional but I really feel like this is my chance to finally start doing things right. And yes, unfortunately, I'm still thinking in terms of getting back with her. I know I shouldn't and should be trying to move on, but what she is saying to me screams, "prove that you've changed!" I haven't done that. Now is my chance. No pressure. No begging. No questioning her reasons for not wanting to give it another shot. Just "acceptance". 

I'll go over this again tomorrow in therapy. Like I said before, though, I'll try to concentrate more on overcoming this and less on hoping for reconciliation. Hope all you Americans had a good 4th of July. Rained here. Couldn't do anything "fun".


----------



## hank_rea

I used to love the rain. Now, it gives me the blues.


----------



## hank_rea

Feel kinda okay right now. Had a pretty good session. My psychologist told me that I'm blessed and in an awesome place right now, even though I may not see it that way. He said that not many people get to hit the "reset" button on life. I got a clean break from my ex, no kids, no payments or anything. A true fresh start. He also gave me a few pointers to deal with my lack of self confidence and told me to challenge myself by forcing myself to talk to at least 5 women a week. And yes, he also agreed that continuing on the path I was on isn't doing anyone any favors. He told me that the only way to fix things is to stop trying to fix them. That my ex wife is like a wall that you're painting....after one coat you need to let the wall dry before applying another...she needs to dry right now (yeah it's a corny analogy but I got the message. lol)

None of this is really anything I haven't heard before, but he has a way of putting things that really clicks with me. I made another session for next week.


----------



## hank_rea

Ok....so this is what I know. I, a week ago, told my ex wife, whom I have been pursuing with a vengeance for the past 4 months, that if she thought time would help her to get over what I had done to hurt her so badly that I would give it to her, but I couldn't wait forever. She takes 4 days and tells me no....basically telling me to go on about my business...get on with my life, etc. So, why in the hell am I filled with this incredible sense of hope now? That it's not the end for us, but only the beginning? Have I gone even deeper into denial or what? I would go so far as saying it almost felt like she was baiting me yesterday to see how I'd react. Would I go into my usual cycle of arguing, insulting, bargaining, apologizing? No....I didn't. Not this time. I feel like I've been given a clean slate here. It's my chance to do things the right way...finally. 

That's what's on my mind right now. I don't know how long it will last, but I am honestly feeling like this is my proving ground. Or maybe she just told me that she can't trust me as an excuse to hide another reason.....I dunno.....she sent this in a text rather than over the phone. It's much easier to drop a bombshell when the other person isn't on the other end listening. I really have no reason to question this....it's a legitimate concern given my behavior. Yes I'm well aware that she very well may never change her mind and that I don't need to sit around for the rest of my life waiting for her. Right now, though, it feels like I just might have one last shot at this. I just need to use all the will power I can muster not to go back to doing things the way I know aren't helping me.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

For gods sake she wasn't baiting you Hank! She was telling you the truth, she doesn't want you! Jesus. Call your therapist.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hank_rea

Maybe that's the problem. My therapist agreed with me.  Well, I never told him I thought she may have baited me, but I did say I thought now was truly my chance to prove myself (to her). Look, what she's telling me is valid. The main reason she gave me for leaving me was she didn't trust that I would stick to my changes for good. And I have had a history of making promises then breaking them in our marriage. I continued doing it when trying to "win her back". I kept saying, "this will be the last time..." and "I promise after this I'll leave you alone..." and I'd go back on my word EVERY TIME. Of course she doesn't have any faith in me! 

If a TAM vet is so strongly against what I'm saying then it must be insanity. Unfortunately, it's the only thing keeping me going right now. All that I want in this world is to be with her again. I can think of nothing about her that makes me want to fall out of love with her...and believe me, I've tried. I'm not thinking she's going to change her mind tomorrow, but in 3-6 months? Who knows? Then again, by that time, she'll no doubt be dating someone as well....


----------



## hank_rea

I think you are misunderstanding what I wrote....at least somewhat. First off, yeah my therapy session made me feel better, but he did not "implant" these notions into my head. If you look back, I was saying many of these things yesterday (my appointment was today) Secondly, I am not planning on contacting my wife. I've tried and failed for 4 months thinking, "Well maybe if I tell her this or this and word it this way she'll change her mind." It has been a complete waste of time and actually did more harm than good. No.....like my therapist said I've got to stop trying to fix things. That's all contacting her was, me trying to do damage control. 

"Don't bother to think about her..."??? Is this a joke? You think I'd even be here if I could just make myself stop thinking about her? LOL :rofl:


----------



## doureallycare2

2ntnuf said:


> [/U]
> No, I don't. It was insensitive and thoughtless. I apologize.
> 
> However, I don't think I said he put those thoughts in your mind. I think I said I was guessing you might be thinking you could get her back now because you have made progress and the psychologist is telling you to go out and talk to women. Maybe you think you are close to being ready to talk to your ex?
> 
> Please explain if I am wrong. I believe I was going through a period when I would think that maybe my ex still loved me. I know it is not true. In fact, she may never have truly loved me. I am not at all saying you are going through the same thoughts. What I read does seem similar.


I also have told myself for years that mstbx loved me, after all not only did he tell me often but we've been thr ough so much together. Others vBulletin that know us say often to me that no matter how many affairs he's had they "know" its me he loves. I honestly don't know, part of myself still believes, but there's another par t that says. Wonder if he never did? Is he even capable? Now that were apart he makes no attempt to be with our sons and has seen his new granson ones in 7 months. "We" were so family oriented, or was that just me leading and him fallowing?

I'm so glad you feel some easement emotionaly. Its all going to be just putting one foot in front of the other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hank_rea

2ntnuf said:


> [/U]
> 
> No, I don't. It was insensitive and thoughtless. I apologize.
> 
> However, I don't think I said he put those thoughts in your mind. I think I said I was guessing you might be thinking you could get her back now because you have made progress and the psychologist is telling you to go out and talk to women. Maybe you think you are close to being ready to talk to your ex?
> 
> Please explain if I am wrong. I believe I was going through a period when I would think that maybe my ex still loved me. I know it is not true. In fact, she may never have truly loved me. I am not at all saying you are going through the same thoughts. What I read does seem similar.


Again, I am finished talking to my ex wife. I've been talking her to death for the past 4 months and it has gotten me nowhere. What more can I say to her that has not already been discussed ad nauseum? No, it's time for showing. I promised her I wouldn't bring up us getting back together again. Ever. She tells me she doesn't trust me to not go back to my old ways. The only way I have to show her anything is to simply do nothing. She rejected me yet again but I did not react in my usual manner. I simply told her that I was very sorry she felt that way. Now had this been even two weeks ago, I would have gotten extremely defensive and started bombarding her with questions, insults, whining, begging, then an empty promise to not do this again. It almost makes me ill just thinking about it. Now I realize there is a chance that she won't ever change her mind, but I have not tried this approach yet...and I'm not expecting overnight results. Rebuilding trust takes time. And then if this doesn't work then I can honestly I tried everything I could possibly think of. 

The talking to women thing he told me to help boost my self confidence so that I can try and start moving on. I told him one of the reasons I was holding onto hopes of getting back with the ex so tightly was I simply didn't think any other woman would want me. I told him I don't think women find me attractive. This has made me extremely apprehensive about approaching the fairer sex. So he tells me to make myself talk to at least 5 women a week. Sounded legit.....I'll do it.


----------



## hank_rea

2ntnuf said:


> Hank, why do you think she is worth all of this effort? What makes you believe she is not seeing other men? If you think she is seeing other men, why do you think she is worth having back? It just doesn't make sense to me since reading all that I have.
> 
> Do you do anything besides going to the counselor and coming here? Are there any books that have helped you build this confidence in achieving these goals you have set? How is it that you believe she will notice a change in you if you live so far away? Do you have mutual friends that will talk?


-She's worth the effort because I love her. 
-I can't know for certain that she isn't, but like I said before, I don't think she is...not yet, anyway.
-We're divorced....I've seen another woman. She's free to do as she pleases right now, whether or not I agree with it.
-How can she not notice me suddenly not chasing her with a vengeance? Maybe she'll just be relieved that I'm not trying anymore, but I hope she will see it as me finally respecting her wishes and giving her the space she is seeking. The big issue here seemed to be me constantly flip-flopping and going back on my word. I made her a final promise...that I wouldn't pressure her to get back together anymore. I'm sure she didn't believe it at first, so now it's up to me to prove that what I said was genuine.


----------



## hank_rea

I'm just trying to apply a little 180. Just like everything else I attempted, it probably won't work. I give it 60 days tops. If I don't hear anything from her, I give up for good. That's a pretty good goal to set for myself, I think. Never gone more than 3 weeks NC. Hell, maybe even by that time, I won't even want her back anymore (as much, anyway).


----------



## hank_rea

2ntnuf said:


> Hank,
> 
> You didn't answer my other questions about what you read. I see so many contradictions in what you express as your true feelings versus what you now think. It's too odd not to be planned. I guess you are "fighting" for her in your own way. It looks like gaming and all I ever got from gaming anyone was a hollow victory that was unsatisfying. I guess you either don't care about that or you don't understand.


I don't understand. Please elaborate.


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## hank_rea

God, I hate the rain! Been crying all damn day. I think reality might be rearing its fat, ugly head. I want to die so much. I'm so f***ing tired of this! This "emotional rollercoaster" is hell. I guess you're all going to tell me I'm prolonging this by holding on, but I just don't know how to will myself to let her go! I've tried writing things down that she did to me that were wrong, I've tried telling myself it's over, I've tried making myself read the facts of my situation and nothing is working! I don't think I'm ever going to get over her. I'm so tired of fantasizing about us getting back together and her calling me up crying saying she made a mistake. I know that isn't going to happen. If it was, it would have by now. 4 months and no regrets. I'm not going to solely blame myself for this anymore. She's just using what I am saying and doing against me. There probably is someone else. There's always been someone else. Why else would she be in such a rush to get rid of me? I'm not saying I was a saint. You can read through this thread and see how much of a piece of crap I've been. But, I don't deserve this. Nobody does! Just want to stop hurting. Stop dreaming about her. Stop thinking about her 24/7. I can't take this anymore.


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## hank_rea

I just want to thank all of you for sticking around and putting up with my crap. I know I'm like talking to a brick wall at times...


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## familyfirst09

Just trust when people tell you that it does get better. I don't comment on your thread a lot but follow along. You are very similiar to me. I let it go on longer than 4 months. For me it was more than 7 months. The begging, crying, trying to reason, showing him "I've changed, just look at me!". It doesn't work and really in my case I'm glad cause I'm a better person now. 

And you will be too. Just let time do its job. Keep fighting those urges to contact her. Anyone that can make you feel this way is not worth it. Keep going to therapy, keep getting support from TAM. 

Someone asked what you were doing for yourself but I don't recall the answer? What are you doing? Gym? Getting out? Its hard but you have to push yourself to move forward. You can't worry about what she is doing. And believe me I know how ridiculously hard that is to do. 

Just keep going.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan

I wish I could say something that would magically take away all your hurt, Hank. I can only repeat what everyone has said already. You have to change your attitude toward yourself. You have to take action to move forward in your life. 

For right now, listen to music that makes you feel good. Dance in your room. Watch a comedy that you love. For tomorrow, get out and take a walk. See if there is someone you can help with something.

Have faith that if you try to push through this, your life will indeed get better. Stop limiting yourself with negative thoughts. You are much stronger than you know.


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## hank_rea

I suppose that could be viewed as a form of manipulation. It wasn't like I had it all mapped out that I was going to pester for x amount of days then suddenly stop so that she could see a change in me. But yes I am hoping for a positive outcome here. I probably should give up that way of thinking as she very well may never contact me again. I suppose if it works out that way at least I should be used to not communicating with her so all I'd need to do is just continue with what I was already doing....errr, or not doing. ;P


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## hank_rea

familyfirst09 said:


> Someone asked what you were doing for yourself but I don't recall the answer? What are you doing? Gym? Getting out?


I didn't answer because I have no answer. I'm not doing a damn thing for myself.


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## LovesHerMan

hank_rea said:


> I didn't answer because I have no answer. I'm not doing a damn thing for myself.


What is your payoff for this attitude, Hank? I know, you are thinking WTF, I am miserable, how could there be any payoff for this behavior?

But think about it. Do you enjoy being a victim? Is your pride preventing you from humbly looking at yourself and trying to work on chipping away at your stubbornness? Are you lazy and do not want to take even the smallest step toward recovery? There is something inside you that is comfortable with your misery. Find out what it is and work on banishing it from your life.


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## hank_rea

So today I joined a gym. Yup. Haven't worked out yet, but I'll probably do so tomorrow or Monday. Also, my therapist recommended some churches for me to visit and suggested that I take up fishing. I had never been fishing in my life, but my brother, who usually spends weekends over my folks' place (we are two sad, lonely dudes. lol) says he's fished a few times so that's something we could do together. Also, day 8 of no contact. I don't even really want to contact her, but what really bugs me is that she isn't contacting me. I guess it will sting less as time goes by. 

Well, friends, I think it's time for me to take a hiatus from this place. Like I said before, it just really doesn't feel like it's helping me to keep rehashing my story and reliving this horrible situation. I thank you all for your support and great advice (even though I haven't actually started using it until I absolutely had to....don't want a protection order brought up against me) but really, it's time to take a break. I will take to heart everything I have read on these boards and I wish you all the best of luck in your road to recovery and all the happiness in the world. We damn sure deserve it after what we've been through!

-Henry


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## doureallycare2

Good luck in all Hank... Im so happy your taking steps for your self!


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## moxy

hank_rea said:


> So today I joined a gym. Yup. Haven't worked out yet, but I'll probably do so tomorrow or Monday. Also, my therapist recommended some churches for me to visit and suggested that I take up fishing. I had never been fishing in my life, but my brother, who usually spends weekends over my folks' place (we are two sad, lonely dudes. lol) says he's fished a few times so that's something we could do together. Also, day 8 of no contact. I don't even really want to contact her, but what really bugs me is that she isn't contacting me. I guess it will sting less as time goes by.
> 
> Well, friends, I think it's time for me to take a hiatus from this place. Like I said before, it just really doesn't feel like it's helping me to keep rehashing my story and reliving this horrible situation. I thank you all for your support and great advice (even though I haven't actually started using it until I absolutely had to....don't want a protection order brought up against me) but really, it's time to take a break. I will take to heart everything I have read on these boards and I wish you all the best of luck in your road to recovery and all the happiness in the world. We damn sure deserve it after what we've been through!
> 
> -Henry


Good for you that you joined a gym and have some new plans with your brother. I hope that you can move on with your life and find some happiness. I hadn't seen your thread until today and I felt sad to hear your story, but I think you'll get past this and find something better for your life in time. Mid-30s is young. You will bounce back! Good Luck to you, guy.


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## hank_rea

This thread was on the second page. Heh...I guess it has been a little while since I last posted here. Guess I'll provide an update for anyone who cares.

In my usual fashion I managed to screw everything up with my ex. I hadn't talked to her in almost two months and decided one day I would break no contact. BIG mistake. I send her a text joking around, thinking keeping things light would be better than my usual approach. She didn't really seem like she wanted to talk to me. Said she needed to sleep because she had been working overnight at her job. I told her I wanted to stay away but I missed her. She then informed me that nothing had changed. I'm not going to go into every detail, but if you've been following this thread, you know that I have a problem just taking no for an answer, so like an idiot, I kept texting her. Well, she finally got fed up and changed her phone number. Then she blocked me on Facebook. Problem solved. It hurt like hell that day, but I can see now that this is exactly what she should have done from the beginning. It's been about 3 weeks since that happened and I feel great now! Seriously. I'm having normal text conversations with 3 women I met on dating sites and one of them could be a serious candidate for some sort of relationship. Another wants to meet, but I'm afraid she just wants to have some kind of casual fling. I've never been into that. But yeah, one door closes, three new ones open. I'm not going to lie and say I'm totally over my ex wife, but I don't think about her nearly as much anymore and when I do, I can't even force myself to shed a tear anymore. Part of me still wishes she would try and contact me so that I can tell her I'm not interested, but I won't hold my breath. She did me a huge favor by finally cutting me off. I now have no choice but to move on.


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## Stretch

Hank,

Good to see you are still posting. 

One step back, two steps forward.

Keep healing friend,
Stretch


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## doureallycare2

Its like an addiction isnt it? Good for you to reconize it.. Becareful though, those patterns tend to just move on with us unless your taking the steps to understand and correct those areas. good for you though!!


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## Jellybeans

I think it is a blessing that she blocked you on Facebook and changed her #. Because now, even if you try, you cannot contact her.

You mentioned having a problem with hearing "No." I would heed you to examine this issue and try to nip it in the bud. It will be better for you personally (heart hurt) and also will help you respect other peoples' boundaries. If someone tells you they are not into you or don't want you to do something, listen to them and follow suit. 

Good luck and keep on with the keep on.


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## hank_rea

Jellybeans said:


> I think it is a blessing that she blocked you on Facebook and changed her #. Because now, even if you try, you cannot contact her..


I completely agree! Like I said, she should have done this from the beginning.


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