# Hubby says I 'betrayed'him. What did I do wrong!!?



## DanyClark (Aug 21, 2015)

My hubby and I are in an 'open' marriage so if you do not agree, please refrain from commenting.

My hubby convinced to me to setup an account on an adult 'chat' site, which makes me a 'cam' girl. So it was fun and I was making a little money. But after a while he started chatting with another woman who he sometimes would 'mod' for, as he did for me. It turns out she's married but apparently not 'satisfied' by her hubby and has cheated on him in the past b/c of this, and it's one reason my man's found the whole situation intriguing. Recently he started talking about eventually meeting her, saying she so much like me, I'd *like* her, etc etc. When he bought her a gift of perfume, her husband sent him a strongly worded message telling him to back off, go away, don't talk to her, etc. I told him to limit his contact, but he said he was more empowered than ever to get to know her better. She's 100's of miles away btw, so the chances of him meeting her were slim to none, so I really didn't feel threatened, BUT here's the next thing: he was trying to figure out how to get a job transfer to be closer to her, despite being rebuffed by her and her husband. As it turns out, they actually are happily married in spite of their 'problems'. I told my hubby to back off or spend less time talking to her and more time with me, but he said it was just fun, and if *she* wanted to leave her hubby to fool around, that was her business. But I didn't see it that way, plus I didn't want to see him possibly hurt, and I mean seriously, by a angry jealous husband (who wouldn't be angry????) so I went behind his back, contacted her hubby by email and told him what was going on. NOW, she's broken off contact with my hubby who asked me about it. I admitted what I did and here's what happened: He basically said that if I commited adultery, it would have been understandable. He said he could have forgiven me, but this, he said was a 'backstab' and he can't feel the same way about me ever again. In fact, we were like best friends, he was even sharing everything she told him about her life, with me. But I really felt like her husband needed to know and it needed to end and I know he would not have agreed to me talking to them. He was NOT agreeable to back off and limit his online contact with her as it was, so I know he would have objected. He says I 'killed' our marriage and he can't be around me much except to deal with the kids and other obligations. HE's not the type to cool off and be flexible either. I"m trying to make sense of this, but I'm afraid I've destroyed my marriage even though I was trying to make things right for everyone! What Did I DO WRONG???


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I'm sorry if I missed something, what exactly is the problem?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your husband wanted the 'open' marriage for himself because he convinced you to become a 'cam girl.' You are engaging with men, so he sees no problem in doing the same with women. You have opened a can of worms and there will be no stopping him. Did you guys discuss boundaries for this 'open' marriage? You play with fire I guess you get burnt, sorry but very few marriages can deal with the issues involved or that arise.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

So your husband wanted to uproot your family (and the KIDS!) to move closer to a married woman in order to try and screw her while avoiding her angry husband? You took steps to stop him from doing something incredibly stupid, and he's upset. You're actually listening to his tantrum over this when you should be looking at him like he's a grown man crying like a baby after someone took away his favourite toy. See it for what it is. Pathetic.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

You're married to someone who has no problem playing a very active and intentional role in tearing someone else's marriage apart. Are you ok with that?


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

breeze said:


> So your husband wanted to uproot your family (and the KIDS!) to move closer to a married woman in order to try and screw her while avoiding her angry husband? You took steps to stop him from doing something incredibly stupid, and he's upset. You're actually listening to his tantrum over this when you should be looking at him like he's a grown man crying like a baby after someone took away his favourite toy. See it for what it is. Pathetic.


This.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Without good ethics and good boundaries, open marriages don't work. He shows neither of these necessary traits. And he lacks good sense - in other words, he's an idiot!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think he feels betrayed because you went behind his back and outed him to this woman's husband, that seems pretty clear. I would guess since you two are engaged in a open relationship he feels you had no right to go behind his back and try to control who he sees, regardless of your reasoning.

In my eyes there's lot's wrong with this entire scenario, even though it's an open marriage, but your only question is why he would be upset, so there's my opinion.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I am not sure how open your marriage is, I practice monogamish like Dan Savage.

My guess is that he is in love with the other female, and you're ruining that. His obsessive behavior is indicative of someone going through the infatuation stage. He is taking risks against the primary relationship in order to be with her. In infatuation stage, there is more risk taking, kinda like an addict willing to steal to score another hit.

At the moment, he has a higher level of romantic love towards her, he gets more of the rewarding feelings being with her and you interupted that reward. Remember, he is not going to put much focus into your relationship at present, so much of his mental focus is aimed towards her. Just a guess anyways.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

not sure what you both agreed would be the boundaries of this open marriage, but his antics and actions would seem to have crossed it, i think its time to reel back all communications to the outside world to just you two and seek out some counseling, his behavior is one in which he is willing to destroy two marriages and that certainly not what either of you had planned out at the beginning of this. you did the right thing


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*For a "family man," as well as for his committed wife and their family members: Exactly where does the "security factor" reside within the confines of an "open marriage?"

What life lessons are being taught to the children?*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

It is certainly you life to have an "open marriage" if you wish however I don't understand why you would be upset. You have a circus in your house and surprised to see the clowns. He was obviously moving toward sleeping with her or trying to make a threesome happen. That doesn't seem like such a stretch from what you both have set up as your relationship boundrys.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

DanyClark said:


> What Did I DO WRONG???


You married a narcissistic a-hole, that's what you did wrong.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Even an open marriage has boundaries, they are just different. I think you and he have different boundaries and you evidently didn't discuss them well enough.

You believe that interfering with a 'closed' marriage is wrong. He doesn't. Or maybe he interprets her marriage as 'open enough' to try to worm his way in.

I think you have more to worry about for your husband wanting to unilaterally uproot the family to move closer to this woman who is only a maybe, without discussing it with you first.

All that said, I think you were wrong to go behind his back and tell the husband, but your husband is going overboard about your betrayal, in an attempt to deflect your attention away from his own actions.

In retrospect, you should have had a discussion about your different feelings about the appropriateness of his pursuit of this woman, and you could have warned him that you intended to tell her husband what was going on if your husband didn't back off. You manipulated the situation instead of being forthright with your husband, not good in any kind of marriage.

Good communication is important in any marriage, but even more so in an open marriage.


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## HappyAfter10 (Aug 18, 2015)

I don't really see the open marriage as being a problem in this case.

Imagine if these actions were taken by a single guy. He's chasing a woman who is not interested. If she and her spouse are trying to rebuff his advances he needs to move along. The fact that hes looking into moving to be closer is....kinda stalkerish.

He's pissed because you interfered in whatever fantasy he had going and you saved him from himself. I don't have any advice for what you should do.....he is not seeing reason on this. If things had continued he might've got himself a good punch in the nose, or worse. Or charges. She wasn't leading him on, separate from what her husband was saying was she? I mean, he seems so obsessed.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

DanyClark said:


> her husband sent him a strongly worded message telling him to back off, go away, don't talk to her, etc. I told him to limit his contact, but he said he was more empowered than ever to get to know her


Note to all you BS that want to contact OM/OW.......

The OWH could have messed with your husbands reputation, sued him and causing a finacial hardship, and/or even hired someone to hurt him..

Your old man is an ungrateful piece of work!

I know if I was this guy I would have phucked your old man up so bad you would be pushing him around in a wheel chair feeding him soft food....but that's just me:grin2:

Tell your old man to phuck off....he should be thanking you!


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## DeaNera® (Aug 19, 2015)

I think you had to set boundaries for this open marriage and also I would have put the rule that whenever you don't feel comfortable anymore, you have to be the priority.
That was your first mistake, the second is that you went behind his back, you should have been IMO a bit more forceful and explain your reasons. Honesty and communication are crucial in an open marriage. 
You know what your limits are, you never know what kind of limits the other person has, therefore better to be clear about that.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Let me make it simple:

You always have a right to intervene in any situation in order to protect yourself from harm. 

Your husbands actions were likely going to bring himself, and you, harm. 

Even in an open marriage, you still have to enforce boundaries. As one I know put it, "I cannot stop you from having unprotected sex with others. But in order to protect myself, I will refuse to have sex with you if you do."

Your husband is being an idiot. There are PLENTY poly and poly friendly people out there. I guess he defines an open marriage as "I get to do whatever I want. You get to do whatever I am comfortable with."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

DanyClark said:


> What Did I DO WRONG???


OP, this is the problem that is inherent when you make up the rules as you go. Marriage sets boundaries and commitments for a reason, so we know when we do wrong and vow to do right. You are playing a very dangerous game to your marriage by trying to make it something it was not meant to be.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Though I have never had an open marriage, I would have thought that, perhaps even more than a non-open marriage, there needed to be a number of rules to make certain that either spouse didn't fail to be considerate of their spouse's health and emotional wellbeing.

If you had such rules, your husband is not abiding by them.

You don't really have an open marriage.

Not quite sure what you have got, but it is not a "proper" open marriage.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

the guy said:


> Note to all you BS that want to contact OM/OW.......
> 
> The OWH could have messed with your husbands reputation, sued him and causing a finacial hardship, and/or even hired someone to hurt him..
> 
> ...


I have a kid, I promise you you would feeding him through a straw.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There comes a point at which you have to protect yourself and your children. That point came and you did it.

Tell your husband that he can always trust you... to do what is necessary to protect your family and yourself. If he does not like that, he can leave the family.

As others have said, you two did not set and enforce good boundaries. Now you both are suffering from that.

Another thing to consider is that often times a man who wants to cheat will talk his wife info swinging, or doing the kind of thing that your husband convinced you to do. Why? Because he thinks that once she is guilty of some "sins" with other men he can screw anyone he wants and have any sort of affair he wants. You fell for this, old classic ploy.


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## Bad Medicine (Aug 21, 2015)

This seems more like friendship than dating, and bears no resemblance to any form of marriage I've ever personally encountered in this dimension, so I don't have anything helpful for you.


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## Bad Medicine (Aug 21, 2015)

Bad Medicine said:


> This seems more like friendship than dating, and bears no resemblance to any form of marriage I've ever personally encountered in this dimension, so I don't have anything helpful for you.


Actually, you know, I thought more about this and I do think I have something useful to say. I think he's right in the sense that it does sound like he was being straight with you, I mean, he did tell you directly what he was doing, what his plans were, etc, and if a situation like yours can work it does seem like it would have to be based on extremely high levels of open and honest communication. So he's right in that sense, you did have the option of just being straight with him about what your feelings were, your fears, etc, without going behind his back and contacting the woman's husband. You could have just as easily confronted him, had a hard conversation, and come to some kind of agreement, that's the harder option but then he could have just as easily did what he was doing behind your back and you would have never know about it, but he was straight with you. Will he be straight with you next time ? Seems like you've made that option harder because now he has to fear the repercussions of telling you what he's thinking.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I came back to this post and after reading the other comments I came to realize something, this incident may have more to do with the OP's husband becoming infatuated with another woman than an open marriage and boundary issues. Sure being in an open marriage put him a position to openly flirt with another woman, but this seems to be about much more than sex. The guy seems to have become a bit obsessed with this other woman, to the point of considering uprooting his family to get closer to her, and they haven't had sex yet so he claims. 

To the OP....so what's your plan now? Obviously your husband isn't going to be able to play the open marriage game, right now you have become his second choice because he is lusting after another woman. Even if you get past this issue would it be possible to trust him to do the right (?) thing next time? Sex without attachment? And seeing how quickly your husband has turned on you, how quickly you and your lives became un important to him, why would you continue trying to live your life this way? 

Frankly at this point even if you opted out of the open marriage lifestyle I'm not sure how you regain trust and confidence in your husband, he seems to be self centered and a creeper.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I have to agree. I think for an open marriage to have any possibility of success, you both have to be in complete agreement that no one else will ever come between you, that you will always be the first priority for each other. When someone else comes along and becomes so important as to change your lives to pursue them, that's an automatic breach of the agreement. This isn't so much an open marriage as a man that doesn't want to commit to one person. That's something else entirely.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

breeze said:


> I have to agree. *I think for an open marriage to have any possibility of success, you both have to be in complete agreement that no one else will ever come between you, that you will always be the first priority for each other*. When someone else comes along and becomes so important as to change your lives to pursue them, that's an automatic breach of the agreement. This isn't so much an open marriage as a man that doesn't want to commit to one person. That's something else entirely.


Is this not the goal of all marriage, open or otherwise? By introducing others into the marriage are you not contradicting the whole reason for marrying? Marriage is difficult enough without adding complications, imo.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

I'm not sure how anyone can really answer your question.

Its like stacking filling your house with dynamite and then holding a pipe-smokers convention in the living room.

When your house blows up....Who's at fault? The person who put the dynamite there or the person who lit the flame that ignited it.

Its hard to tell.


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## Tobin (Jun 24, 2015)

You were in a lose/lose situation.

I think you handled it as best you could.

If you did nothing he'd continue to obsess over this woman or someone else, your marriage was already in trouble, and he has no respect for your feelings, that much is obvious.

So stay the course, don't be apologetic, and either he gets over it or he doesn't and you end this dysfunction of a marriage and find some other guy that doesn't get off on his wife camming to other guys and who won't be likely to cheat on her.

Wouldn't be the worst outcome in the world.


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