# Could he be testing me ???



## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Summary.....(ex?)husband has asked for a divorce on Labor Day weekend "I don't love you anymore, only as the mother of my children".....said it was all due to me ignoring his pleading for me to change my inability to handle money (debt), not furthering my career, and keeping the house a "pig sty".....

He wants a civil divorce (he signs, I sign, he goes to court, judge signs....divorced)....

For the next couple of months he gave me bits of hope only to shut them down right after.....he was nice to me (hope) only to be presenting me with the decree shortly after and when I hesitated to sign he would try to pressure me....all that over and over for about 3 months.....

One day in December I found cell phone pics of a half naked tattooed skank on his PC (thanks to our 3-year old) and everything all of a sudden made sense.....the texting, the divorce request out of the f***ing blue.....

I was livid, but wouldn't reveal my knowledge just yet.....

A couple of days later I had it and told him I knew about her and that I found the pics....he just said "Nothing with me in it !!!".....

I was so upset I wrote a last letter telling him what I love about him, what I was sorry for, and that I am making those changes even if we're not together.....and I told him that I always loved him and always will.....

He read the letter and was sorta depressed after it...

On his birthday shortly after I bought him his favorite Greek food, a cake and put it with the signed divorce decree on his desk....he was confused and didn't say a word...

The days after that were bad because we had to put down our dog, we were both comforting each other and were really close....

Ever since then his behavior has been very odd....at first depressed and sad....now nice, sweet and *almost* loving towards me....

He took us to my favorite restaurant, he bought me one of my favorite snacks, he keeps asking me if I need help with my college homework....

Even my friends and co-workers noticed his behavior and were asking me about it....

I keep wrecking my brain what could be going on and I thought today....could he be testing me ????

I've not seen the final judgment of dissolution of our marriage yet....I don't even know if we're still married.....

We haven't told the kids anything yet.....(we still live together)....

Could he have put the divorce on hold after my heartfelt letter, the closeness when our dog passed away, seeing me sticking with my changes (going to the gym regularly), me finally starting college on January 4th......could this all made him realize that I was not all bad....

Could he be testing me to see if I keep it up even though we are "divorced"....meaning doing the changes for me and not just because I want him back ????

He's turned into exactly the man he used to be before Labor Day weekend.....loving, sweet....just perfect..... 

What do you think about this....and what do you think I should do now ???


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

Divorce filings don't just "go away". I would suggest you check at the court where papers are filed. You can find out what the current status of the case is and go from there. Depending on the type of papers that were signed/filed, you could be divorced and not know it. If everything is still in legal limbo (active but continued), you probably want to get something done. That could range from filing a motion to dismiss with your husband (eliminating it) to asking about placing a statement into your divorce file that states you are working on reconciliation...you would definitely want to check with an individual in your state who can give you actual legal advice.My husband and I were supposed to go down to the Courthouse to put our house back in both our names. I didn't press the matter because he was having serious health problems that required a lot of time for treatment. Unfortunately, I learned recently that he is having an affair. He wants a divorce, has threatened to kick me out and told me that "he owes me nothing". It's unfortunate but true that signed legal papers take precedence over promises. Check where you stand legally. Hopefully that will give you a bit of a compass and some indirect answers for some of your other questions.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

dadda11o said:


> Divorce filings don't just "go away". I would suggest you check at the court where papers are filed. You can find out what the current status of the case is and go from there. Depending on the type of papers that were signed/filed, you could be divorced and not know it. If everything is still in legal limbo (active but continued), you probably want to get something done. That could range from filing a motion to dismiss with your husband (eliminating it) to asking about placing a statement into your divorce file that states you are working on reconciliation...you would definitely want to check with an individual in your state who can give you actual legal advice.My husband and I were supposed to go down to the Courthouse to put our house back in both our names. I didn't press the matter because he was having serious health problems that required a lot of time for treatment. Unfortunately, I learned recently that he is having an affair. He wants a divorce, has threatened to kick me out and told me that "he owes me nothing". It's unfortunate but true that signed legal papers take precedence over promises. Check where you stand legally. Hopefully that will give you a bit of a compass and some indirect answers for some of your other questions.


I understand that they don't just go away....

I've checked with the civil divorce lawyer and my (ex?)husband could just ask him to put it on hold and he would do so....

I'm a little "scared" to ask him because I don't want to open any wounds since they're still so fresh....and on the other hand....I can deal with the situation right now......eventually I want to know though.....since there are a few things in my life that would change with being divorced.....


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

Right...I understand not wanting to bring up something that might be hard to discuss; I'm just suggest that you check the current status through the Court where it has been filed. If everything is fine, great!! That can give you some emotional breathing space, which is a luxury when dealing with situations like this. If there are indications that things are not fine, you probably would be better off getting information geared toward that scenario...I lost a lot by trusting the wrong person and trusting the spoken word rather than having the written contract in hand. I hope that is not the case for your situation...I really don't want to think of protecting my own interests or much of anything...just want everything to be better. I know that is not a good idea and an indication of the emotional trauma I'm going through, so I'm hoping that you can check WHAT IS without needing to bring it up. 
I went through a "civil divorce". Went before the judge, said we wanted to share custody...got the dissolution and my husband was awarded custody. He used that as a weapon for the next several years. If you go through a divorce, there are things that will be decided by the Court if you don't have it worked out, in writing, beforehand. 
It doesn't sound as if you (two) are seeing a counselor or anything...sort of just going on hope...forgive me if this isn't coming out quite right...my husband IS divorcing me...I believed him when he told me he was seeing the woman for the three months before he disappeared for a weekend and THEN blew up my world and our kids' with it...I've just learned over the past few months that quite a bit of money has also disappeared...I was trusting, because I was basing my responses and opinions on how I behave and treat others...I put off dealing with legally important things HE'D promised because of my concern regarding his health issues...everything has been made more difficult in one sense BECAUSE I was a decent, trusting person. Probably someone else who is farther along this road will give you some insight I haven't acquired yet...I hope the best for you, though. And hope is a fantastic thing .., a spark of optimism, but it needs a solid foundation to rest upon, just like a marriage. I guess most of us have had that foundation blown out from under us or never had it ... but we can learn and do what we need to and some of us will probably come out the other side better than if we hadn't gone through what we have.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

dadda11o said:


> Right...I understand not wanting to bring up something that might be hard to discuss; I'm just suggest that you check the current status through the Court where it has been filed. If everything is fine, great!! That can give you some emotional breathing space, which is a luxury when dealing with situations like this. If there are indications that things are not fine, you probably would be better off getting information geared toward that scenario...I lost a lot by trusting the wrong person and trusting the spoken word rather than having the written contract in hand. I hope that is not the case for your situation...I really don't want to think of protecting my own interests or much of anything...just want everything to be better. I know that is not a good idea and an indication of the emotional trauma I'm going through, so I'm hoping that you can check WHAT IS without needing to bring it up.
> I went through a "civil divorce". Went before the judge, said we wanted to share custody...got the dissolution and my husband was awarded custody. He used that as a weapon for the next several years. If you go through a divorce, there are things that will be decided by the Court if you don't have it worked out, in writing, beforehand.
> It doesn't sound as if you (two) are seeing a counselor or anything...sort of just going on hope...forgive me if this isn't coming out quite right...my husband IS divorcing me...I believed him when he told me he was seeing the woman for the three months before he disappeared for a weekend and THEN blew up my world and our kids' with it...I've just learned over the past few months that quite a bit of money has also disappeared...I was trusting, because I was basing my responses and opinions on how I behave and treat others...I put off dealing with legally important things HE'D promised because of my concern regarding his health issues...everything has been made more difficult in one sense BECAUSE I was a decent, trusting person. Probably someone else who is farther along this road will give you some insight I haven't acquired yet...I hope the best for you, though. And hope is a fantastic thing .., a spark of optimism, but it needs a solid foundation to rest upon, just like a marriage. I guess most of us have had that foundation blown out from under us or never had it ... but we can learn and do what we need to and some of us will probably come out the other side better than if we hadn't gone through what we have.


Gosh....posts like yours scare me...badly....

I've read the decree front to back before I signed it....it's all fair....custody and all...

No....we are not in counseling as he didn't see any sense in it...as he was done with us....

He's always been a great, reliable, never do anything to harm anyone kind of person....he's a police officer after all.....but those 4-5 months when he was putting me through all this, I don't know who the hell he was ?!?!

He's back to being the man he used to be....before.....for 10 years.....maybe even better now, because things are better between us....relationship wise....if you can call this a relationship at all....

If he was going to give us a last chance things would be great....better than ever....

I don't know if I can trust him anymore....I want to because he's his old self again, but the last 4-5 months marked me.....I've been deeply hurt....cheated and played.....

Can I trust it was just a time of temporary insanity on his part ??? Can I trust that he is back ???

I want to tell myself "Don't !!!!!!".....it's like deep inside I'm still waiting for the *big bang*....since this whole thing was/is so unreal....

From painting a love note on a mountain in Afghanistan to talking about maybe 3 or 4 kids to "I've been unhappy in our marriage for at least 7 years" to divorce.....:scratchhead:

Midlife crisis ??? Depression ??? Black out (that lasts months) ??? :scratchhead:

I need to be cautious.....can I trust him ???.....I really don't know....

I guess I have to go "One day at a time"....

Keep doing what I'm doing....

"Expect the worst !!!!" (no more hope for the best....that hope is what's killing me)....


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

It's very simple. 

You're worrying & guessing things too much.

Go & ask the court if you're truely divorced or he put it on hold.

So if you're actually divorced, and he's being nice because you're the mother of his kids.

But if he put it on hold, you can throw yourself at him.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Refresh my memory. Why do you still live together? Why not ask where things are at in the divorce? And me being me - I'd ask why he's treating me the way he is - like we're still in love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

He may be testing you but I think it is probably that once you signed, all the drama and angst of the divorce disappeared. Once that happens, a lot of married (ex's) can get along . And remember that you have kids and your cooperation in the future will be required.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

So how is he supposed to treat her, his ex-wife? They still live under the same roof. Knowing that they're divorced, all things have been well settled. Why should he supposed to do? Angry? Can't be a nice ex? Must show a long face everyday?
He doesn't show himself in love otherwise they would have kissed and then sex. A gentleman is a gentleman. You can't expect him to get mean and rude when there's no issue to fight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

MS Lonely The easiest way to find out the status of the D papers is at the courthouse. He may not have had the guts to file. My W was not being forthcoming so I was snooping the day after the paperwork moved I went to the courthouse the clerk pulled up my name .....yup she filed. A little bit longer if I am not served an she really wants it she has to refile. Most states have the laws online. Some states you can even check those court records online. If they are well staffed and answer the phone, they may tell you over the phone. My w fessed up 3 days after she filed. Soon after I began asking when I would be served my very organized wife does not have an answer. Good luck. This is all no fun.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> It's very simple.
> 
> You're worrying & guessing things too much.
> 
> ...


I know I do....it's awful..... 

I am so scared to learn that we're actually really divorced....stupid, I know.....

He's not just nice....it seems more like a shy attempt at checking out my feelings for him....

We do still have sex ....he jumped into the shower with me 2 nights ago....like we used to do all the time before all hell broke loose....it was very passionate :scratchhead:


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> Refresh my memory. Why do you still live together? Why not ask where things are at in the divorce? And me being me - I'd ask why he's treating me the way he is - like we're still in love.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can't afford my own place....I have debt (the main reason he asked for a divorce)....but I'm working on my debt reduction....

I'm scared to ask I guess because I do still have hope (I hate that).....because of all the little things he does and says lately are things he used to do and say....and I'm scared to learn that we are divorced for real and he's just being friends (with benefits).....


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> He may be testing you but I think it is probably that once you signed, all the drama and angst of the divorce disappeared. Once that happens, a lot of married (ex's) can get along . And remember that you have kids and your cooperation in the future will be required.


There was never really drama....

I agreed to a civil divorce because I did not want drama...

We also never really *not* got along....that's why it totally blindsided me when he asked for the divorce.....we never really fought....

:scratchhead:


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> So how is he supposed to treat her, his ex-wife? They still live under the same roof. Knowing that they're divorced, all things have been well settled. Why should he supposed to do? Angry? Can't be a nice ex? Must show a long face everyday?
> He doesn't show himself in love otherwise they would have kissed and then sex. A gentleman is a gentleman. You can't expect him to get mean and rude when there's no issue to fight.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's not just nice....that's the thing....

He's sweet and almost loving...he's always wanting to know what I'm doing, wants to help me....we do still have sex....he holds me in his arms, holds my hand, strokes my hear, kisses my head (all that in bed).....sometimes we kiss, although mostly during sex.....

The kids don't know anything (yet).....


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

disbelief said:


> MS Lonely The easiest way to find out the status of the D papers is at the courthouse. He may not have had the guts to file. My W was not being forthcoming so I was snooping the day after the paperwork moved I went to the courthouse the clerk pulled up my name .....yup she filed. A little bit longer if I am not served an she really wants it she has to refile. Most states have the laws online. Some states you can even check those court records online. If they are well staffed and answer the phone, they may tell you over the phone. My w fessed up 3 days after she filed. Soon after I began asking when I would be served my very organized wife does not have an answer. Good luck. This is all no fun.


I guess I will have to do that....at least then I will have some clarity....

I will not know what is going on between us, ever until he either says "I love you" or "I would like to try again".....or until I move out.....

Sucks to be me at the moment.....


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Not knowing is the Worst. Go now goto the courthouse and find out. And this from a guy at that point no sex for him. If he filed he can leave he can pay for your place especially if you have kids. If he is playing mind games that is just wrong my wife fessed up after only 3 days 2 of which I did not see her. You are torturing yourself wondering.


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## loveless25 (Jan 5, 2011)

rome2012 said:


> I guess I will have to do that....at least then I will have some clarity....
> 
> I will not know what is going on between us, ever until he either says "I love you" or "I would like to try again".....or until I move out.....
> 
> ...


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

I think most of us are saying, find out where you stand, legally speaking. If he divorced you because of debt, maybe you're in a community property state and he doesn't want to be held responsible. I merely think that if he has put enough thought into protecting himself, he cares about what happens to him. If he cares about what happens to you, fantastic...I think we'd all be thrilled about that. I am not trying to scare you, I just learned the hard way that my husband cares about himself a lot more than he cares about me, and that includes taking care of my legal ignorance. I try to solve problems with the person I have the problem with (or who has one with me). I am apparently naive about how some people solve their problems. Maybe you could start seeing a counselor to gain back and strengthen some of your self-confidence; there might be something available through his work (I'm going through my husband's EAP, they offer a number of free sessions). Otherwise, a support group if money is a problem. You just don't want to leave yourself in the position where you're too scared to speak up in the relationship and take whatever comes along. I know it's scary....I was a wreck. But once I got past some of that and he found out that he can't push me into a panic attack, he's had to change tactics. If I hadn't done some of the things I've done, I might be sitting in my car or the women's shelter tonight. If you feel comfortable right now, it's hard to find the motivation to learn what night be unpleasant truths...but even those can be dealt with, once you know whether they exist. In my mind, you'll be happier and more fun to be around if you're not carrying worries that may or may not hold water...when I get scared or anxious like it sounds like you are, I just look around the room and ask if I'm all right at this moment. There are no boogeymen or bill collectors (yes, I've had my problems with debt as well) in the room with me. I can handle it...I have breathing space. Wishing you well!


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

dadda11o said:


> I think most of us are saying, find out where you stand, legally speaking. If he divorced you because of debt, maybe you're in a community property state and he doesn't want to be held responsible. I merely think that if he has put enough thought into protecting himself, he cares about what happens to him. If he cares about what happens to you, fantastic...I think we'd all be thrilled about that. I am not trying to scare you, I just learned the hard way that my husband cares about himself a lot more than he cares about me, and that includes taking care of my legal ignorance. I try to solve problems with the person I have the problem with (or who has one with me). I am apparently naive about how some people solve their problems. Maybe you could start seeing a counselor to gain back and strengthen some of your self-confidence; there might be something available through his work (I'm going through my husband's EAP, they offer a number of free sessions). Otherwise, a support group if money is a problem. You just don't want to leave yourself in the position where you're too scared to speak up in the relationship and take whatever comes along. I know it's scary....I was a wreck. But once I got past some of that and he found out that he can't push me into a panic attack, he's had to change tactics. If I hadn't done some of the things I've done, I might be sitting in my car or the women's shelter tonight. If you feel comfortable right now, it's hard to find the motivation to learn what night be unpleasant truths...but even those can be dealt with, once you know whether they exist. In my mind, you'll be happier and more fun to be around if you're not carrying worries that may or may not hold water...when I get scared or anxious like it sounds like you are, I just look around the room and ask if I'm all right at this moment. There are no boogeymen or bill collectors (yes, I've had my problems with debt as well) in the room with me. I can handle it...I have breathing space. Wishing you well!


Thanks !!!!

It's just so hard....

I love this man so much !!!!!! 

I would forgive him his EA if he'd just ask me....

I'm not scared of him....I'm scared of the finality of our marriage....

When I signed the papers I did it out of anger....a spur of the moment kind of thing....

Once that was over with I felt relieved for a short time....then he became his old self again and that damn hope came back....maybe he realized he's made a mistake.....

I hate having this hope and I try soooooo hard not to.....but I'm not at all successful with it.....


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Right now, your mental and emotional health should be the top priority. Your health is being seriously compromised and that concerns me. All of your energy is put into trying to figure out his thoughts, his feelings, his intentions. I know all too well how hard this is, but you have to stop putting him first. He is the one that turned on you. He is the one that had the EA; he is the one that asked for the divorce. And now he is the one that is essentially stringing you along, acting like he loves you, continuing to live in your home, and even initiating sex with you, all the while putting you in a position of being too timid to want to ask the one question that should be asked - what the hell is going on?? Is he in or is he out? This stage of limbo and hope is pure torture. It needs to end. When you know exactly what you're facing, you will be able to deal with it and eventually move on with or without him. I say take back some control, ask the questions that need to be asked and get it over with. You've tried as hard as you can and are doing everything to try to save this, but it won't work if it all just falls on one person. He should be ashamed of himself for this - he knows how much you love and want him and he doesn't have the courage to speak honestly about his feelings. He's just going to let it ride until you force the issue. You don't have to go crazy, yell or scream, but force the issue. It's time.


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