# I really need advice...if I leave I will lose him...if I stay I will hurt each day.



## sweet n sour (Feb 1, 2012)

***update......he left me****

I'm here now to ask for advice on my current status. 

Quick history recap:
-Married for 5 1/2 years and together 8. He is 29 and I am 34. I have a daughter from previous marriage. We have no kids together. 
-Both work full time. Joint checking account. He brings in 3/4 of our income. 
-We don't fight, hardly disagree and get along extremely well. I am an open book and communicate well while he tends to keep things inside. 
-Work hours limit our time together so we only have Fridays together. 

The problem. After finding out my husband had been inappropriate with other women by sending and receiving nude photo by text, using web came to masturbate to others, fondling a co worker breasts we decided to go to couples therapy. He is also seeing his own therapist. 

After several sessions it's been brought out that my husband has a sexual addiction. He also doesn't think his sexually degrading thoughts about women is wrong. He can't just look at a pretty woman and acknowledge that she is attractive, he pictures her without clothes and wants to have sex with her. If he gets anxious over playing a video game, the thought of "getting off" comes to mind to release the tension. I also learned that he feels restricted being married because he can only be with one woman. He also doesn't like that there is someone he should consult with before making certain decisions. He wants to be able to do as he wishes whenever he wants. Basically, he wants to live a bachelor lifestyle. He doesn't want to change who he is and feels he shouldn't have to. 

It was suggested by our therapist that we separate while he works on himself but he told me we shouldn't separate. He said he thinks he would jump into the bachelor lifestyle and enjoy it so much that he wouldn't work on himself. And, no matter how much he loves me and my daughter he probably would chose to stay single. He has asked me to stay with him while he continues to go to therapy in hopes that our marriage can be saved. 

I am struggling right now. If I were to leave right now I would be ending our marriage because he would have so much fun with being single. If I stay I have to go each day wondering if he will make the changes needed to save our marriage. He says he wants our marriage to work. But he's also upset that he is being told he needs to change for this to happen. I'm don't know what to do. If I leave, it's over. I truly love this man and would help him through anything. I just don't know how well I can help him change something he really doesn't want to. I know I will be in pain everyday just knowing how easy it would be for him to abandon us. I want our marriage to work. I just don't know if I can be strong enough to not cry myself to sleep every night and act like everything is normal like he can. 

I have never felt so alone in my entire life.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, I would let him go. If he doesn't want to change for himself, resents being told he needs to change, and feels the single life is so much fun, the odds he's going to change and stick with the changes are slim.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

sweet n sour said:


> I'm here now to ask for advice on my current status.
> 
> After several sessions it's been brought out that my husband has a sexual addiction. He also doesn't think his sexually degrading thoughts about women is wrong. He can't just look at a pretty woman and acknowledge that she is attractive, he pictures her without clothes and wants to have sex with her. If he gets anxious over playing a video game, the thought of "getting off" comes to mind to release the tension. I also learned that he feels restricted being married because he can only be with one woman.


This behavior is called, uh, being a man. We picture every woman naked and are constantly calculating how we can have sex with them. 

When we choose to get married, those thoughts do not just suddenly disappear. They are all still there. Some men never get over it and cheat. Others accept that those feelings are there and move on. For me it's no different than understanding that I want to still smoke and drink like I did in the good old days. But realizing that doing those things would destroy my life. I can't have them. I choose to move on. And I still want to bang other women, but that would destroy my and my family's lives. So I choose not to. 

You really need to set some boundaries w/ him tho. This bit about naked pics of other women is unacceptable. If he is able to get nude pics of other women, he is establishing WAY to close of a connection w/ them. This is cheating. 

You have to separate your opinion of his thoughts from his actions. EVeryone is entitled to their thoughts. But his actions here are not kosher.


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I agree a bit with the previous poster. You are older than him and are controlling him which he doesnt like. Maybe this is his way of showing you, that you cant control him. I dont think he will change now its too late. You have to realize that and act accordingly.


----------



## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

what were the reasons that the therapist suggested you live separately for a while?

from what you have said, it sounds like he loves you. ask yourself:

- do you want to fix this relationship?

if you do, you have the power to at least try - i would consider allowing him to make the choice - either he gives up all of his bad behaviour, or YOU walk... then you will see what is more important to you.

i would also suggest you arrange a time every week to talk about thoughts that he has had, or feelings he has had, so he can be open about it... he shouldn't be made to feel guilty about his thoughts or feelings, but instead should express them to you so they can be worked on.. if that makes sense?


----------



## sweet n sour (Feb 1, 2012)

Thanks for the replys. I don't have any issues with him looking or even wanting someone else at times. I have never held him back from going out with friends or buying what he wants. He knows this too. We've discussed it. He's told me just having someone else he has to consider before acting on something feels controlling to him. I'm a wonderful wife to him. I have never wanted him to feel trapped in any way. He is free to do as he wishes as long as its still respectful to me and our marriage. 

The therapist recommended seperating because he wants to focus on himself. I think her goal was to let him see what he was missing if I were gone. But when he admitted he would like the single life too much that was shut down.

My problem really isn't with him being attracted to others. Its knowing how easily he could give us up. Its knowing how easy it was to lie to me for years. Its knowing that he can do things that would harm us without guilt because he flips it around in his head to be justified that he can do what he wants even if its not right.

Had I done to him what he's done to me....he said he would have left. 

All I have ever asked for was honesty, trust, respect and communication. I believe that's what is deserved when you love someone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

sweet n sour said:


> Thanks for the replys. I don't have any issues with him looking or even wanting someone else at times. I have never held him back from going out with friends or buying what he wants. He knows this too. We've discussed it. He's told me just having someone else he has to consider before acting on something feels controlling to him. I'm a wonderful wife to him. I have never wanted him to feel trapped in any way. He is free to do as he wishes as long as its still respectful to me and our marriage.
> 
> The therapist recommended seperating because he wants to focus on himself. I think her goal was to let him see what he was missing if I were gone. But when he admitted he would like the single life too much that was shut down.
> 
> ...


Have you pointed out the double standard here? He finds nothing wrong with what he is doing but if it were reversed he would leave you? To me that says that deep down he knows its wrong. Marriage boundaries apply to both parties, he doesn't have immunity to inappropriate behavior. If he doesn't realise that I don't see much hope that he'll change. Can you live with that?


----------



## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

Have you sought IC yet? Sounds like dh wants to have it all. He wants to behave like a single guy while having all the comforts of marriage. He adds insult to the injury by telling you that if you separate he knows it will be so great he won't want to come back. He's using the age difference to manipulate you because you're insecure about being older than him. Do you really want someone who has the balls to tell you that life will be great without you...wow. Dwell on that and work on your self-esteem. 

I don't recommend the doormat route. If you want to sit around looking sad while allowing him to disrespect your marriage by flirting and acting like an [email protected]@ on the Internet in hopes that he will come to his senses you're crazy. It's the give them an inch and they will take a yard theory. You should be proactive don't wait for him to make up his mind. Fix your finances, help him pack his stuff up, and then go and live your life without him. At that point if he wants to be with you he won't leave and if he's truly serious then you have to let him go. At least you will save your time and have some dignity left.


----------



## sweet n sour (Feb 1, 2012)

He knows what he did was wrong...but he spins it around in his so he didnt feel guilty when doing it. 

Him telling me life would be great being single is what hurts the most. He also says life with me is great. He truly wants both. 

Most of me feels our marriage is over because I don't want to be without someone who can dispose our relationship so easily. Another part feels I need to at least try. Leaving now means uprooting daughter from all she knows. We have money saved to leave. I keep saying I should give it till June. School would be out and i can make plans. But how does one go each day knowing their partner feels how they feels?

My mind is all over the place and my emotions are out of whack. I'm not strong enough to handle this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

sweet n sour said:


> It was suggested by our therapist that we separate while he works on himself but he told me we shouldn't separate. He said he thinks he would jump into the bachelor lifestyle and enjoy it so much that he wouldn't work on himself. And, no matter how much he loves me and my daughter he probably would chose to stay single. He has asked me to stay with him while he continues to go to therapy in hopes that our marriage can be saved.


This is a red flag in my opinion about the therapist. If you want to work on a marriage, you need a marriage counselor who is going to fight for that purpose and not change the treatment plan because counseling is not progressing as the therapist would like.

Your husband had some incredible insight in recognizing that separating would not be a good idea. Your husband has admitted that he has a problem, but right now does not think he can change.

I would look into attending an SA group. Look here for information on SA groups. Sex Addicts Anonymous

For information on finding a good marriage counselor, read this article: William Doherty: How Therapy Can be Hazardous to Your Marital Health.


----------



## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

Riverside MFT said:


> This is a red flag in my opinion about the therapist. If you want to work on a marriage, you need a marriage counselor who is going to fight for that purpose and not change the treatment plan because counseling is not progressing as the therapist would like.
> 
> Your husband had some incredible insight in recognizing that separating would not be a good idea. Your husband has admitted that he has a problem, but right now does not think he can change.
> 
> ...


was my feeling about the therapist too - glad this was shared by someone else:iagree:


----------



## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

I think you should try marriage counselling and get to the bottom of the reason as to why he feels that he has to get other women involved. I dont think he will change I think he will continue doing this until you have had enough and walk, he wont know what his got until it is gone thats the saying and it is a true saying he may not realise it straight away but he will if you dont want to give up on your marriage try the counselling and if no change then i would say you walk his basically cheating in my opinion he has control over it but he chooses not to control it that is wrong. Good luck


----------



## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

sweet n sour said:


> Him telling me life would be great being single is what hurts the most. He also says life with me is great. He truly wants both.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Objectively, is he that great of a catch that he would have so much success in the dating market? ASking because at some point we all make a mental calculation about whether we could get something better than our mate. He apparently is thinking that he would be just fine in the dating market. I am not so sure.

Some times we all have buyers remorse. Sounds like he has this now. 

I would make it really simple. Spell out your boundaries to him. And if he can meet them. Great. If not, he has to work it out for himself. You first have to articulate what you will and will not tolerate and leave the rest to him. You cannot change him anyway.


----------



## sweet n sour (Feb 1, 2012)

Buyers remorse. I agree that this is what he has now. 

The therapist suggested separation when he said he doesn't want to change who he is. She thought it would be good for him to see what he was losing and to spend time on himself. That was when he said we shouldn't do that because he may like that lifestyle too much and it would ruin the marriage. 

I couldn't concentrate at work at all today. I feel like I am in a fog and just want to cry all the time. Being unwanted really hurts!


----------



## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

sweet n sour said:


> Buyers remorse. I agree that this is what he has now.
> 
> The therapist suggested separation when he said he doesn't want to change who he is. She thought it would be good for him to see what he was losing and to spend time on himself. That was when he said we shouldn't do that because he may like that lifestyle too much and it would ruin the marriage.
> 
> I couldn't concentrate at work at all today. I feel like I am in a fog and just want to cry all the time. Being unwanted really hurts!


I think he does want you. And I really disagree w/ the therapists separation suggestion. That sounds like bad advice. I went thru a milder version of what your H is going thru. I outgrew it. I think if your H stays w/ you that he too will move past this phase. 

Try not to dwell on it. There may be an oppty here for you two to use this problem as a source of strength once you work thru it.


----------



## sweet n sour (Feb 1, 2012)

My husband told me that therapy made him realize that he doesn't want to be married. He said he wants me and my daughter to be happy but no longer at the expense of his happiness.

My marriage is over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

sweet n sour said:


> My husband told me that therapy made him realize that he doesn't want to be married. He said he wants me and my daughter to be happy but no longer at the expense of his happiness.
> 
> My marriage is over.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So sorry. The therapist is a home wrecker. Is H going to move out?


----------



## sweet n sour (Feb 1, 2012)

I dont know what's going on yet. He told me this by text. He is at work for 4 more hours. I never replied to him. I told my 11 year old daughter. She is crushed. I'm so scared and sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

sweet n sour said:


> I dont know what's going on yet. He told me this by text. He is at work for 4 more hours. I never replied to him. I told my 11 year old daughter. She is crushed. I'm so scared and sad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 If he's truly not invested in the marriage then at least he has been honest with you and not dragged this out any longer, causing you more pain than you have already dealt with. You say you are not strong enough to deal with this but you have an 11 year old daughter, you must be strong for her. In the hardest moments of my life I have felt and said the same thing but I managed to draw on an inner well of strength that I didn't know I had. You will too. I wish you the best.


----------



## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

Regarding his sexual behavior. As a previous poster mentioned his behavior is within the realm of normalcy. The male sexual instinct in humans is geared towards inseminating as many women as possible and arousal usually begins visually. The behavior that results is that the desire for women is present in most men and the desire itself is usually not affected by the quality of the relationship they are in. 

You husband seems to be more open about this desire and act on it more than the average man both of which can be great assets in your relationship if handled properly. As most people I see in counseling that deal with cheating usually have difficulty communication sexual desires, being open about them is a welcome relief.

Regarding your concerns about him being ready to leave the relationship I think we can address them nicely as he appears to be saying something quite different.

He is most likely saying that he feels his sexual desires are normal and that he should not have to change them, indeed he cannot change them as they are part of our nature, at most he can suppress them. So his reaction is likely along the lines of "I will not be treated like an addict, what I am doing is normal and I refuse to be in a relationship that forces me to deny my nature". 

Please keep in mind that his behavior is quite far away from what would be considered sexual addiction. Sexual addiction has symptoms such as spending a lot of money on prostitutes, getting fired from the job for hitting on our touching coworkers etc. Speaking of which sexual curiosity is present in both men and women and if handled in a balanced way it strengthens the couples connection rather than breaking it.

The first step towards improving this situation is understanding and acceptance. I suggest you document yourself on the male sexual instinct and take advantage of his openness on the issue to discuss it. When discussing it I suggest a cooperative and understanding tone. He is not defective and neither are you. It is normal to be concerned about the stability of your relationship in such cases and getting informed will help a lot there. Because while men will seek sexual diversity they also want to develop the deep fulfilling long term connection with a partner and the two are not mutually exclusive. 

When discussing the issue I suggest you keep in ind the array of solutions available on sexual curiosity: 

- suppress it
- open relationship
- swinging soft to hard swap
- cheating - obviously ill advised

Depending on your own situation I suggest you discuss and adopt the solution, variation or combination of solutions best suited for you. 

In closing I would like to point out that you have a rare asset in your relationship which is openness, you need to meet that with information and understanding in order to handle the challenges that appear in an elegant way. It is highly likely that he cares deeply for you and he is committed to the relationship, what he is expressing is likely a protest on a different issue.


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Your MC is a hack. Your husband is just a typical man. Sexual addiction as a diagnosis is a joke. Sexual addiction is a *symptom* (acting out) caused by a deep rooted problem resulting from horrible things like abuse, rape or abandonment. It involves risky and dangerous behavior without thinking about the consequences. Your husband's actions are not great for your marriage or your child but they are not risky or dangerous. When you hear about it in Hollywood its just a public relations ploy to make the cheater seem more likeable. 

Your husband hooked up with you when he was 21 which is BOY territory. He's now a full man. He knows himself better and wants something different. He feels trapped by his situation and is acting out. While you may feel like you give him enough freedom he doesn't see it. He probably thinks he's missed out on sexual variety during the prime of his life. Most of us go through this but not all act on it. 

Peace


----------



## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

"Your husband hooked up with you when he was 21 which is BOY territory. He's now a full man. He knows himself better and wants something different. He feels trapped by his situation and is acting out. While you may feel like you give him enough freedom he doesn't see it. He probably thinks he's missed out on sexual variety during the prime of his life. Most of us go through this but not all act on it. "

This. I am 29 and got married a lot later than your husband and still feel this way sometimes. Granted, part of that is cause of what my wife isn't doing, but still, I don't think this is uncommon around our age. The question is whether he is going to grow out of it or just quit. Sounds like the latter. Has he told you there's anything you can do?


----------

