# I don't know what to do.



## brianber (Apr 5, 2011)

My wife just separated from me 2 days ago. She said she needs time to think about everything, and that I need to fix a lot of things I have messed up

I get angry easily, and I don't help her with house work. I also messaged my ex girlfriend many times over the 3 years we have been together. 
I have made a lot of stupid mistakes and her trust is non exsistant. I have never been this low, and I am finally realizing a lot of things need changing. Is it too late? What should I do? I don't like the idea of separation because I'm worried she will forget about me if we are away too long, but I'm also thinking she might miss me and want to come back shortly.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

Sounds like you've been woken up Brian, same thing happened to me a few weeks ago. It's sad it took this to do it but get reading the posts on here and you'll see there may still be hope.

I like the 180 approach, it helped me feel less panicky and get to either fixing our marriage or ending it. But there's lots of ways according to other's posts I've read.

There's lot's of help here, it sounds like you're seeing your mistakes now. That's a start, you have to change for yourself.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

I don't think the 180 is the right approach in this instance. I believe that is more for when your spouse just decides that "i love you, but I'm not in love with you" and they're considering divorce.

In this instance, it sounds like you got what you deserved, but luckily you've figured that out and maybe if you change and she sees that you've changed, you can win her back.

#1 - I think a good faith step that would a) improve yourself even if this doesn't work, and b) would show her your serious about changing would be to schedule individual counseling sessions with a local counselor to work on your anger issues. The counselor can help you discover healthier ways of dealing with confrontation and arguments.

#2 - Message your ex-girlfriend and tell her that you will no longer be contacting her and ask her to also not contact you. You can add the caveat that your wife is the only person you love and you want to protect your marriage. Then show your wife that you sent the email and even give her your email password so she can make sure you mean business.

The ball is in your court. Your actions will mean alot more to your wife than words. If you show her that you get it and you're willing to change, maybe she'll come back to you.


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## brianber (Apr 5, 2011)

I really hope it turns around, I saw a psychologist today for my emotional problems. He thinks I have been talking to this girl because of my mood swings, I notice I talk to her when I'm sad. I have done very well though, over the past 2 days since the start of seperation I want nothing to do with her, don't want to tell her my sob story, I could care less what she thinks. I want more then anything to fix my relationship and bring balance to it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You talk to her because you want to. So don't blame your "emotional issues" or "feeling sad" for why you are in touch with your ex.

You need to own why you did it first before you can get to an emotionally healthier place--Acknowledge what you did and own your behavior.

That said, it's great your getting counselling. As for your wife, apologize from the bottom of your heart, tell her you've ended all contact with the ex (end contact TODAY) and telling you are willing to do any/everything to save your marriage and that your bad mistakes (lies, EA with ex girlf) won't be repeated EVER again. Ask what you can do to help the marriage/to help her.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

See what I mean, great advice here.


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## brianber (Apr 5, 2011)

I love you guys already. I have had nobody to talk to about this and it was eating me up. You all are right, and I'm going to try my best and I want to do my best. I can only prove it to her with actions and I just messaged my ex that I don't want her to be in my life anymore.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You talk to her because you want to. So don't blame your "emotional issues" or "feeling sad" for why you are in touch with your ex.
> 
> You need to own why you did it first before you can get to an emotionally healthier place--Acknowledge what you did and own your behavior.


I agree completely with Jellybeans. Who do you want to be with, your ex-gf or your wife that you committed to and loved you enough to commit to you in marriage. If you choose your wife, then you need to completely slam shut the door that is cracked open right now connecting you and your ex. This "I haven't contacted her in 2 days" business is a good start, but not good enough if you want your wife back. If you have to, change your email, change your phone #, de-friend her from facebook. You need cut her completely loose. Send her this message, "in order to protect my marriage, I need for us to go no contact. I will not contact you. Please do not contact me."

Find someone else to be your ear to listen to you when you're down or upset with your wife. An ex-gf is not an appropriate shoulder to cry on. Do you have a best friend, brother, pastor, someone else? You can still get support, just not from her.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

brianber said:


> I love you guys already. I have had nobody to talk to about this and it was eating me up. You all are right, and I'm going to try my best and I want to do my best. I can only prove it to her with actions and I just messaged my ex that I don't want her to be in my life anymore.


Good for you - I'm proud of you man. Keep it up.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

brianber said:


> I can only prove it to her with actions and I just messaged my ex that I don't want her to be in my life anymore.


Good place to start. 



HoopsFan said:


> you need to completely slam shut the door that is cracked open right now connecting you and your ex. This "I haven't contacted her in 2 days" business is a good start, but not good enough if you want your wife back. If you have to, change your email, change your phone #, de-friend her from facebook. You need cut her completely loose. Send her this message, "in order to protect my marriage, I need for us to go no contact. I will not contact you. Please do not contact me."


YES to all of this.

You can tell your wife, Just so you know< I cut off all contact with Ex and told her never to contact me again.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Next step. Go to the library or a book store and to the self help section. There are oodles of books on relationships, marriages, etc. Peruse what's there and find one that deals with the subject of "how to strengthen your marriage", "how to be the best husband", etc.

To drive a car, they make us take lessons and a test to prove that we're sufficiently capable. But they'll let just about anyone get married and have kids. My pre-marital counseling was not very extensive at all. Many of us make lousy partners in relationships because our only examples of how to act were our parents. Parents are flawed humans too and many of them suck at relationships. These books really do have great insight from people who live this stuff everyday. These authors are usually counselors and pyschologists that have researched and dealt with thousands of married couples over many years. Find a good book and I bet you'll learn some great tips on being a better husband.

This break from your wife may end up being a blessing in disguise. Look at the progress you've already made. In the long run, you're going to be a better person that knows what it takes to control your emotions and build healthy relationships. Good luck.


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