# Cheated by Husband- Cry for help!!!



## Hopelessly11 (Dec 12, 2012)

First, I'd like to say my story is VERY LONG. Certain details could not be left out because it's important to have a better understand of everything. Be patient and understand I am not a writter at ALL. It was very difficult to write and try to remember all the main points.

I've been with my husband for almost 9 years, married for 5 years. We have 2 daughters together and I have a son from a previous realationship. In all the years we have been together I have felt loved. We went through a lot to be together(took awhile for my dad to come around) so I felt our relationship was even more special and we talked about how much we valued it because of this. With me having a son coming into this relationship I was a little nervous. My concerned was if he would be able to accept my son also. My son was no different to him. He accepted and loved him as his own. We moved in together prior to marriage. He helped me raise and support my son. Another plus to the relationship. How can I not love him? We married after 3 years of dating. He also motivated me to better myself. I had the motivation, I just lacked the confidence in myself. You are supopose to love the one that makes you want to be a better person.

With all that said, we had our minor problems. I say minor because we had good communication between eachother and our family. We had the same values and goal for our life together. We had an active sex life and it was great. I didn't feel anything was missing. I noticed how he struggled with his weight. It was up and down for all the years we have been together. That made me think depression right away. I tried to ask him about it. I asked if there was anything wrong or if there was anything I can help with. His reply was always the same. . . "no problem". It wasn't just the weight, it was the way he ate when I knew something was bothering him. He would go through sweets like no one I knew. A pan of brownies in one night. That is not what an "ok" person does. He wouldn't share his thougths and feelings often, even though he was always interested in mine. When his father passed away, not one tear, not one converstaion about how that made him feel. I tried to talk to him again. His reply was how everyone passes away at one point or another. He also never shared much of any information about anything. I didn't even really know how sick his father was untill the last months of his life and he had cancer. His dad was tough so it was hard to tell how sick he was. Even, the last few days of his life, my husband made it sound like he was ok. He always said it was so I didn't have to worry about anything. He was always protective when it came to that. He wanted me to be happy, so he sucked up all the stress and worry.

The other problem we had, which wasn't a problem, was that he didn't believe I was attracted to him. He felt I didn't approach him enough when it came to the physical part of our relationship. I would disagree, because honestly, once we were in bed he would give me a 10 second window to start anything and if I didn't he would get upset and the mood would be ruined. I'm a romatic, I like cuddling and kissing before jumping in. What girl doesn't? I explained that many times and it never seem to get through to him. He felt I wasn't interested enough and because he thought that, he felt he wasn't exciting or what what I wanted. Like I said before. . . We had an active relationship and it wasn't as if I never "finished". I did every time and sometimes multiple times in one session. IT WAS GREAT! I have nothing to complain about. We shared many new experiences together. I felt it was always exciting because we never rushed through it. We took the time and enjoyed it, always. Both of us had only been with one other person prior to eachother but I never felt unsatisified. Because, he felt I was uninterested, many times he would ruin it by taking certain situations out of hand, trying a little too hard to get me interested. At times I felt like "meat" to him beause he was trying so hard to impress me. I also expressed that feeling to him, which also never sank in. This was our #1 issue. The one problem we seem to argue about the most. I couldn't conviencevhim to believe in me.

My husbad's job requires him to be available at all hours of the day. Never having to work after hours away from home but to be available for assistance since he was the only person who did his job. Because of this, he has a company phone and carries it at all times. I always felt a little uneasy about him keeping it in his presence at all times. Always in his pocket. Naturally, I felt that was a little strange and uncecessary. I've always had a "gut feeling" something was wrong. Couldn't pin point it exactly but I felt something was off. Reasons for me to believe so. . . One of his habbits, us going out together and him being a little "too freindly" with other girls. Nothing horrible, but could be a little "touchy" but not inappropriate. It was something I would consider someone not to do when you were are already in a relationship, especially when I had expressed my concern about it. Second, we would go out and he would run into someone he knew(girl/guy) and would end up talking for an hour and ignore me completly. Not even an introduction was given. That one would sting too. We fought about these incidences and he would apoligize and I would try to move on even though I never felt satisfied with his responses. I felt he treated me well but knew he also loved attention from others also.

The sacraficed we made. . . was working opposite shifts so we can save on daycare costs and we would be with our children more. I knew it would be VERY hard on our relationship but after much thought we both felt we were strong enough to make this work. Our goal is just to do this until our kids are in school full time. Nine months ago(March 2012), I came home after work. He was alseep and his phone beeped. I took a look at it and his email was up. Below the new message was an email from a co-worker's wife about time availability for him to go over to help her with a computer issue she was having. I knew he did extra work outside of work for some of his co-workers. This co-worker is also co-owner of the company he worked for. So they abused his job title but he didn't know how to refuse to help because he feels there is no good way around it. I had met this women before and altough I didn't feel there was something going on between them. . . . "THE BAD GUT FEELING" took over me and I started digging through all his emails. Yes, I know, a big "NO, NO". . . . I couldn't help it. I felt my life was crashing down. There were so many emails . . . But there were some that caught my eye. I found a few emails from the same women, dated all the way back to 2008, not even a year after we had our first child. . . asking him to meet up with her, and how she felt she was forcing him into it. As I read on and found more emails, the conversations got sexual but never implied an actual incident. I found the emails in his junk mail, trash and personal folders. I paniked and I woke him up to confront him(He is a hard sleeper and also suffers from narcolepsy). I stayed very calm, and asked him about the emails. He took his phone away immediately(I now wished I would have hidden it before waking him). He was confused and didn't fully understand what was going on. I asked him to hand over the phone once again so I can show him the emails I had discovered. He refused(RED FLAG #1) and said he would hold the phone and show me. He was going through his emails in front of me and it looked like he was typing/erasing something(RED FLAG #2). He swore up and down and assured me it was just junk mail. I questioned the context of the converstaions and asked why some were moved to his personal inbox. He had a reason for every question I asked. After hours of arguing, breaking down, and freaking out we ended the conversations for the morning. This went on for days, weeks, months. Our emails were linked so we could share contacts and I didn't realize I could gain accesses to all of his emails until it was too late. He had cleaned and wiped away all the emails before I could get to them. I found a few he missed or the ones I had already questioned him about. I thought if it were junk mail and if I wrote to it. . . it would come back undelieverable. So I did, for weeks. Just a total of about 3 emails. No undeliverable message but also no response.

For the next months, our life was hell. Sleepless days and lack of motivation for anything. We stayed together, acted normal for the kid's sake. My oldest is 8 years old, so he would know if we acted any different. While we tried to move on I monitored all his emails (which he wanted me to). The ones that looked questionable i would write down. After 3 months of patience, June 2012, He got sloppy or forgot. I Found an alternate email of his, which he also try to pass off to me as junk mail. I discovered a password he used for work and had written it down prior to that. So I logged in with the email address and password I had found. IT WORKED! This time I took my time and read ALL of the emails dated back to 2008. Multiple women but only really had constant contact with about 3 of them. I read every awaful email. I took a mental note of all the dates and times of all the converstaions. There were converstaions of sex, meet ups, pictures and even web cam. MY LIFE WAS NOW CRASHING DOWN. I had all the evidence this time. There was no way of him denying it. I had him backed up against the wall now. No room for escape. The only thing he could do was to come clean. Along with all that, there were emails and pictures of random women his friends had sent him. He would comment every sexual word a guy would say to a friend about what he was willing to do and pay to get with the person in the picture. He tells me that is just guys talking. Fine, I get that but I could never do that. I have so much respect for my husband and our marriage a thought like that could never be considered to be justified.

My life, what our family and friend looking in would say. . . we were perfect and that he loved me so much. MY LIFE IS NOW MY HELL. More days and weeks and months of arguing. We struggle every day. We are fine for a few days then everything settles back down and I go downhill. I'm tired if this sick roller coaster ride.

His side of the situation. He was hurt and bullied as a child(which I do believe, because his mom had filled me in about how he was as a child and never understood certain things about him). I now know the basics although I don't know ALL the details. The hurt and pain, he brushed off as no big deal and played the role of a happy child when in reality there was so much pain because of his hurt. Because of this, he says he suffered from not trusting anyone, maybe only his mother and older sister. He is very close to the two of them. He told me past that, I was the only person that seemed real to him. The one person he felt the most comfortable with. He said him reaching out to those other women meant nothing but an ego boost for him and says many times he felt like it wasn't even real. He swore noting sexual ever happened and the pictures, meet ups and web cam was just to see how far they were willing to go for him. Bottom line. . . . it was all about him being so INSECURE. He swears he never lusted or wanted anyone other than me. The problem now, is that he SWORE to me before that nothing was going on. I couldn't/ can't trust him. That is all gone. What I can say is based on the way he treated me and how actively physical we were. . . I believe him or I want to. It's just hard to do that now.

He agreed to go see a psychiatrist. Which he went about 4 times. After the first session it was decided he was suffering from dissociative disorder. More focused on depersonalized disorder(periods of detachment from self). It is explained as a defense mechanism by someone who had a traumatic childhood. The actions were considered to be normal and mild compared to others....

With all this, I am still with my husband. I want to be able to trust that what he is telling me now is the truth. I'm struggling with how to get there. How I can let go of what had happened and move on from ALL this. I love my husband still. I want to make this work. He never blamed me for his actions. He takes full responsibility for all he has done and the hurt he has caused.

Because he talked to me FINALLY of all his troubles. His walls have come down and he has no place to hide. So his emotions take over him and when it does, it eats away at him because it kills him that he did what he did.

I have not confided in anyone. I didn't want to expose what happened to us because it would mean to expose what happened to him as a child. We are working at trying to get through this together. But, I feel all alone, like there is no one who can help me with my confusion over all this. This is the only way I can reach out.

PLEASE HELP ME! I would appreciate any comments or suggestions. Please keep in mind, I am with my husband still and to be respectful of that.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Your husband is a serial cheater.

If you rugsweep this, you will become more emotionally unhealthy & you will never be able to trust him. Your marriage will be in name only.

Please read the "Coping With Infedilty" forum & threads on this website.

At a minimum, you both need marriage counseling.

Good luck.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Also, get checked for STD's.

He may have had a traumatic childhood, but that doesn't give him permission to cheat.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Please read my story - my husband did something similar, although yours has been at it far longer than mine. There's also a newbie link in my sig that is invaluable.

What happened to him as a child doesn't matter one whit. If he isn't willing to get help for that and work on himself, but instead chose to cheat, what does that tell you???

This statement "_He swore noting sexual ever happened and the pictures, meet ups and web cam was just to see how far they were willing to go for him. Bottom line. . . . it was all about him being so INSECURE. He swears he never lusted or wanted anyone other than me._ " is pure and utter bull pucky. He had sex with them and is now lying to you again. The man is totally without scruples. 

PLEASE do not ignore this. It WILL NOT go away. You MUST act and act decisively, or this will keep happening. You cannot believe anything he says here. I know you want to save things, but unless he shows true remorse, which he isn't, you're not doing anything but allowing him to continue to cheat. And believe me, he will.

1) Get tested for STD's. Stop having sex till he proves he is clean - ie he gets tested too and shows you written results
2) demand full, unhindered and constant access to his phone, email, computer, bank accounts, credit card statements etc
3) demand that he enter into individual counseling and stay in it till he has addressed his issues
4) demand that he email the women he was in touch with more than once and tell them he will no longer be contacting them. He does this IN FRONT OF you and you witness it.
5) monitor him via keylogger (do not tell him) to see if he really stops
6) He closes down every secret email account and every internet presence that had to do with these women. Again, in front of you
7) if any of this does not happen, or if he backslides, you kick his ass to the curb.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He does not seem to be owning what he did. There has to be full transparency and disclosure for there to be any trust to be restored. I'm sorry but you dont "meet up" with someone like that just to test how far they might be willing to go. He is blame-shifting this to his childhood instead of manning up about it. I wish you luck.


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## Hopelessly11 (Dec 12, 2012)

I've been with this person for years and with each child I've always been checked for STD's. His experience as a child was nothing that happened between him and an adult. It was a bunch of drunk jerks who made kids do things to eachother.

I have access to everything, phone, emails and even his work access.

Contacts have been cut because although I didn't know them.... I was able to track down one based on name and area she lived. I even contacted the husband. Not sure what happened there but at least she knew I knew where to find her. 

One of them lived out of state and based on emails she didn't know his real identity. All other emails were closed the day I broke in.

Last one, didn't seem truly apear interested hopefully because she realized he was married. Thankful to that one...

All our finances are shared accounts and nothing is out of order there.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hopelessly11 said:


> I've been with this person for years and with each child I've always been checked for STD's. His experience as a child was nothing that happened between him and an adult. It was a bunch of drunk jerks who made kids do things to eachother.
> 
> I have access to everything, phone, emails and even his work access.
> 
> ...


All I see here is what YOU have or are doing. What is HE doing?? HE needs to get STD tested. HE needs to give you access to things, and he'd damned well better do it with a smile on his face. HE needs to write NC letters. HIM. NOT you.

Right now he should be willing to chop his left ball off and hand it to you on a silver platter. Is he???


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## Hopelessly11 (Dec 12, 2012)

He admits he is at fault for everything. He only talked about his childhood experienced because that caused him to be insecure. He doesn't blame me for any of his actions. 

The "meet ups" are what I can't get past. That is where I don't fully trust him that nothing happened. But, in all the emails and messages I read, there were never any details of actual incounters. It was always just what they would do or teasing.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Again I ask - what is he DOING?! You know he's a liar and a cheat. You can NOT trust what comes out of his mouth. All you can attach any significance to are his ACTIONS.

Another thing HE has to do is get into counseling. Please go back and read the post I listed stuff off in.


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## Hopelessly11 (Dec 12, 2012)

I'm not saying I trust everything he says. I think about all the years that we have been together. He was "good" through our years. Our relationship past what he had done was what is considered a good marraige. Even the therapist said so. We have good communication and we cared about eachother. I'm not dismissing what he did for a second. He is very much aware he has to gain my trust again. All he wants is a chance to prove he can be what I always thought he was.... A husband to be proud of.

It's hard to go talk to someone about our problems but we have been discussing that subject again. That will happen and STD's will be tested.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Forget about what he SAYS. Concentrate on what he DOES. Now. What he is DOING now. THAT will tell you whether he's truly remorseful.


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## Hopelessly11 (Dec 12, 2012)

What he is doing:

1- He has sinked all his emails into mine.
2- Provided me with all his usernames and passwords for all the computers he uses, even the one's he uses at work. I'm able to log in at any time and view everything that is doing on his desktop.
3-Because we work opposit shifts, he says up with me every night that I am feeling a little low and keep me company via email all night and sometimes into the moring until I get home. Then after 2-3 hours of sleep he will get up and go to work. Keep in mind this is a man who is diagnosed with narcolepsy. 
4-Household chores has never been an issue. Everything is 50/50, always have been. 
5-He comes home and stays as long as I need him to during the day if I'm feeling low and to support me.
6- He never blames me and owns up to all that has happened. 

As I said before. Our marriage and situation is maybe rare from most. Our marriage, the way we were with eachother was NOT a problem. We DIDN'T hate eachother and we DIDN'T fight that would leave us sleeping in seperate rooms. We always make-up before going to bed and sometimes if I were too stubborn, we would still hold eachother to sleep. We have never left the house without hugs, kisses and saying "I love you". He never went out to bars or wanted to go hang out with friends without me. We spent MOST all our time together other than work. We had an active sex life, between 3-4 times a week. Which most of the times would last for hours. Not an exaggeration at all. He always made sure I had orgasamed (sometimes multiple) before he would finish. He always made sure I was staisfied. 

All these actions MEAN something. If he didn't care about me, our marriage would have been much more similar to other's on here. It's not at all. Far from it. This is why I can't base our future solely on his inappropriat actions. I'm stepping back and looking at our whole life together. This is why I am still with him. I'm not sweeping anything under the rug. I am dealing with this very clear headed. We are both fighting to be together.


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## duncaterro (Dec 13, 2012)

There has to be full transparency and disclosure for there to be any trust to be restored.


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## Hopelessly11 (Dec 12, 2012)

I agree with that. I feel we are either doing that or getting there.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You wanted help getting through this.

He will probably never "confess." Most cheaters do not.

I think you need to assume the "meet-ups" happened. I know if my husband went to all the trouble arranging them, then "something" happened.

That being said, you obviously love your husband very much & want to continue in this marriage therefore, with the full transparency you have now, it behooves you to forgive (not forget) him in your heart & move forward.

Read the "Reconcilliation" stories on this site for advice.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

All that stuff is good. 

It doesn't sound like he has given you full disclosure though. It sounds like he fed you a line and you decided not to push it even though you don't believe him.

This is serious stuff:  "There were conversations of sex, meet ups, pictures and even web cam." What do you think REALLY happened?


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## Hopelessly11 (Dec 12, 2012)

Emerald said:


> You wanted help getting through this.
> 
> He will probably never "confess." Most cheaters do not.
> 
> ...


I completely agree. Because I don't know for sure and never will....I realized I have to accept this as if he slept with them and learn to forgive him. 

I just don't know how to get there.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So you believe he slept with other people, he is not willing to disclose the truth, yet you want to forgive him?? You don't even know what you're asking yourself to forgive. That is not possible. And it is called rugsweeping. By not demanding full disclosure, you're allowing him to keep his dirty little secrets. They will undermine everything else he does.

If I were in your situation, he would either be taking a polygraph or he'd be out on his ear.


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## Hopelessly11 (Dec 12, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> All that stuff is good.
> 
> It doesn't sound like he has given you full disclosure though. It sounds like he fed you a line and you decided not to push it even though you don't believe him.
> 
> This is serious stuff: "There were conversations of sex, meet ups, pictures and even web cam." What do you think REALLY happened?


No, he didn't feed me a line. I push him every day and we talk about this most every day. It's TRUST that is broken. Without knowing ALL the details of our whole life and not knowing him.... It is very easy to compare him to ALL the CHEATERS and place him right next to them. Difference is.... he doesn't behave like most of them. He is not threatening to continue what he had done, he doesn't get angry with me, only at himself for the hurt, and he is willing to do anything I ask of him. 

I'm not in denial and believe it's impossible he could never do those things. What I will not do is believe the only possibility is he did without evidence proving it. I will not throw away what we had on assumptions. You can't assume every situation is the same.

What disclosure are you referring to? What else are we missing?


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## Hopelessly11 (Dec 12, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> So you believe he slept with other people, he is not willing to disclose the truth, yet you want to forgive him?? You don't even know what you're asking yourself to forgive. That is not possible. And it is called rugsweeping. By not demanding full disclosure, you're allowing him to keep his dirty little secrets. They will undermine everything else he does.
> 
> If I were in your situation, he would either be taking a polygraph or he'd be out on his ear.


Yes I do. I'm taking the worst case scenerio....him sleeping with them....and trying to work past it. It's possible....to forgive....it's just much much more work than most are willing to do. I'm not "rugsweeping" anything. I don't let anything pass me and if there are questions I have, we talk.

Yes, it's easy to throw it all away. I still believe it is worth saving. I a firm believer that if he isn't what he says he is to me now and if lies have been told. It will catch up to him and it will all unravel. But, if there is a chance he is telling me the truth about all this... If I threw all we had away because of anger... I'd be broken as well. I'm taking a chance and if 10 years from now it's all what I have in mind for us.... It's worth that risk.


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

I am very sorry for what you are going through. I can appreciate that he is doing all the right things at this moment to get you to stay, and only you can judge whether it is enough. Personally, the evidence you found would be enough for me to have already walked away. i couldn't forgive that level of betrayal, if not for any other reason that i would be at exactly where you are at now. I would be hyper-vigilant, afraid when he wasn't around, needing constant reassurance, and probably punishing him in some way. I'd allow his actions to make me unhealthy, insecure, etc. I'd have to find my way back somehow and I don't think i could do it with him. But we all have different limits.

I have to say, this whole thing about keeping what he did a secret protects him more than you. After all you should know this, his cheating is totally on him and NO reflection on you. 

And finally, i absolutely believe he is minimizing. But it's not important what i think. What does your gut tell you? Do you really believe after all that you have uncovered that he really did not have sex with other women? You don't have to answer, just think about this. Most on this thread will tell you he absolutely did have sex with other women. I think what is not allowing you to move forward is that deep down you may know this to be true, and his lack of owning up to this is telling you something that you may not yet be ready to confront.


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## Remorseful11 (Dec 14, 2012)

Please excuse me if i ramble on and on, i'm an absolute trainwreck. I love my wife, I want so badly for her to be happy. Its not uncommon for me to babble on here and there and not make a lot of sense, so bear with me, and thanks for listening.

*GUESS I SHOULD MENTION,THIS IS THE HUSBAND OF THE POSTER ON THIS TOPIC, AND I WILL WALK THROUGH FIRE TO PROVE MY LOVE TO MY WIFE*

I want to tell the story as I can best tell it. Please be aware that I make no excuse for anything that I’ve ever done to hurt anyone in my life, so when I describe things that may have caused me to modify my personality or change the way I handle stress over time, I am in no way pointing to those as reasons for hurting. I 100 percent admit fault for absolutely everything, no matter what “issues” I may have had or have now.
My wife’s description of our relationship pretty much sums it up. She is honestly the only person I have loved. She is the one and only person that has ever felt “real” to me. The only person I’ve ever felt like I knew. I do think it’s important to note, we gave up everything to be together. It was a huge risk for the both of us, but there was never a single time where I questioned our relationship, and I know in my heart she has also felt the same.

This is why this situation is so devastating. Our life together, minus this, has been as close to perfect as possible. We have never had drama on any level that I can recall. We’ve never had a single argument that led to anything more than a drive around the block to yell out loud. We compromise well, we obviously love each other, we are mindful of each others thoughts and needs, and we have the same life goals. I cherish my wife, I always have, and no matter how impossible it seems considering all this, my love for her has grown every single day since the day we met.

My wife pointed out some things about my childhood. I think some of you took that as excuses that I fed her. Let me just better explain. 
What she is referring to is something that I had never once told anyone in my entire life. I held these horrible memories in for my entire life, battling them every day. I was unable to ever truly trust in anyone because of the things that happened. The abuses happened at about age 5.
Since those abuses, I learned to protect myself emotionally by avoiding or burying all negative feelings. The abuses were violent and sexual in nature, and during these abuses, I was repeatedly told that I was “worthless” and I was there because I was “unwanted” and my own parents wanted this for me because they “hated” me. That no one would ever love me because I was too fat.
The only defense I had was to separate myself from the pain. I pray that someone reading this can speak up if they can relate.
Growing up, this is what I did. Sure enough, in elementary school, I was pudgy. I was a pretty easy target, I was absolutely harmless. Other kids would laugh at me in gym, and often a particular set of girls would refer to me as “jello butt”. When you’ve learned to deal with pain and negativity the way I had, a person calling you “fat”, automatically called you not only “fat”, but every other negative thing (worthless, unwanted, hated, stupid, etc) by default. It was an absolute kill shot. What’s worse, is that on the outside I appeared strangely happy. My normal reaction to someone calling me fat or kicking me in the butt or thigh to watch it jiggle would be to laugh along with them. Not out of embarrassment, but because I DIDN’T WANT THEM TO FEEL BAD FOR PICKING ON ME. Yes, a backward way of thinking.
This type of thing continued for many years into my early teens. In my early teens, one of the church counselors at bible camp recognized the way I handled things and pulled me aside. He began to tell me his story. Minus the abuses, very similar, and he had suffered from the same emotional defense problem. He prodded, knowing that something was wrong. I came very close to breaking and confiding in him, but sadly I didn’t.
He made my mother aware of this, and for years she tried, with no luck. Even my wife has heard from her about the “church counselor who was concerned why he never got angry”.

Again, none of the above is any type of excuse, it is only a background into the way I have always handled emotional pain.

My wife and I first met at work 10 years ago. She honestly was like a ray of light. Kind of queer to say, I know, but it is absolutely the truth. I knew the moment I saw her. To say she was the most beautiful person I had ever laid eyes on is a complete understatement. 
I was a somewhat shy person when it came to talking to anyone new, but I was locked onto her like a tractor beam. I had to talk to her. So I did, and her personality and our natural attraction was unlike anything that I’ve ever heard of. Absolutely unreal. Every step of the way we became closer and closer, and soon it was obvious that we were meant for each other. Since the day we made it official to be together, I’ve not had even a single doubt. She has and always would be my shining star.
We gave up everything to be together, and we started with absolutely nothing, and by absolutely nothing, I mean a bunch of random things out of our family’s garages, no extra couches, but we snagged a love seat and a wore out old recliner. Our Son (my stepson, her son) actually had it the best, his room had more entertainment than any room in the house. We had no bed, but with the 100 dollars in cash we had to furnish our new apartment and put a couple things in the refrigerator, I sprung for a 30 dollar air mattress. We slept on it, happily, for months. I actually miss it. When it would begin to run out of air, it would force us to roll down to the middle, and we had no choice but to cuddle! I don’t remember either one of us complaining. We knew real furniture would come in time.
We had a single 12 year old car that had its own problems including no speedometer, and at the beginning the door wouldn’t even open on the drivers side, so we had to sneak in from the passengers side. I think we both complained about that. Heat didn’t work either, and its cold in the winter.
Our typical grocery run was for the cheapest possible meals. Mostly spaghetti. I remember eating it sometimes 3 times a week. It was cheap, and we both loved it. The day old bread store pretty much carried our staples. We were living off 1 person working a 12 dollar an hour job, and minus minor struggles, we were happy.
We did in fact grow, I never once doubted we would. Proper jobs came, we were able to begin to save and begin to get things like a regular mattress and live like regular people. The “stuff” never made us happier, I think the progress and the prospects for a future built without any major help, and an opportunity to build a secure future for our children was what really made us happy.
I always knew my wife was brilliant. You can tell by the way she analyzes things. Granted, she many times overthinks, but she is absolutely brilliant. She never knew it then, and still to this day doesn’t give herself enough credit. I begged her to go to school, she did. She went in unconfident, and when it was all done, although she wouldn’t admit it, she had that confidence in herself, finally realizing that she was extremely capable. I may have pushed too hard for her to go and to complete it, but it wasn’t about the degree. I wanted her to know how smart she is. How capable. She truly could do anything if she wanted to.
I could go on and on, but successes just kept lining up, and we were married. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that she was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. She had everything that completed me. She was loving, intelligent, beautiful, had the same goals of many children, early retirement, etc. We have always enjoyed each other in every possible setting. It was an absolute perfect match.
We’ve had 2 daughters since then, both amazing. We have a total of 3 children at this point. I don’t want to go into details about them, but I will say I am in love with all 3 of them. They many times annoy me, but I would absolutely die without them.

Sorry for the lengthy part of that, but wanted to give you a summary of my/our life.

During all this, I had always been fighting demons. Always. Every single day of my life. I was so used to dealing with them by locking pains up inside and throwing away the key. Even though she was the love of my life, there was one thing I never gave my wife, and that’s my trust in her to help me with these issues. As a matter of fact, I was even more closed with her than anyone when it came to my insecurities and sadness, because she was the last person I wanted to put any sort of stress on. 

One point of understanding here, many of the things I’m saying here are things I didn’t fully realize until after this terrible situation broke me. An example is the attempts to relieve the pain of my demons. 
Prior to meeting my wife, drinking was my unsuccessful pain reliever. I used to go into a deep depression over insecurity very quickly. Sometimes any simple negative comment would flip the switch. If I had to describe the change, I would say it was similar to an out of body experience. Not quite that even. It would be like going from flying high in the clouds (happiness), to being wrapped in a slimy rotten blanket and thrown deep into a cave, face down in the mud. It was so quick sometimes. 
I would go straight to the bar. I had no care what the person I was with prior to my wife thought, she could go straight to hell, I needed to fix my sadness with drinking.. . . . it typically got out of control . I wasn’t the guy that got wild and happy, I wasn’t the guy that got angry. I was the terribly obvious sad guy that was obviously trying to pretend that he wasn’t sad, because I didn’t want anyone to feel bad for me.
Prior to that, when I was younger and into my early teens, food was what I turned to. I’d eat so damn much that id go into a little food coma. It was perfect. I felt pain so I would binge eat and I would pass out. During sleep I wouldn’t have to worry, minus the times where I’d have the occasional nightmare.

Now comes life with my wife. I think the ecstasy of marriage and the beginning of our life together helped to mask some of those pains, but as life settled in, in creeped those memories. The tiniest negative comments, and sometimes even joking comments (My wife was used to saying things jokingly that may come off as very hurtful to some. She was used to it because it was the norm with her family/friends. Joking comments like “fatass” or “fatty” were completely normal) would start to build. Drinking was not even on the radar. In my prior relationship, I had no respect for the person. I had never loved prior to my wife. I love my wife, I was not about to be the “drinker”. I grew up in that type of family, and I would never allow myself to be that person. I did start dealing with eating. Eating until I’d sleep. I was so separated from myself and the pain that I was doing it totally subconsciously. It wasn’t’ like I would think to myself “I’m sad, I’m going to eat”. I had dealt with it for so long that it just happened. As much a habit as breathing. I’d think of and experience the actual pain for seconds at a time, but would immediately bury it inside so that no one saw. I wanted everyone to see me as happy and confident. 
I developed over time an absolute obsession with her happiness, not only because I loved her but because I craved her acceptance. I wanted her to feel happiness to a level above anything that she had ever felt before. Anything less would be devastating to me. If I felt like she wasn’t amazed after sex or if I hadn’t been absolutely outstanding every time, I hurt bad. She once joked that her prior guy had a larger penis. That absolutely killed me. Any minor mention of anything that she didn’t like in the bedroom would make me feel unwanted, when she was not at all even giving a negative impression.

At some point, the bottle was filled up to the top. In my mind, I needed to make the pain go away. I wasn’t going to drink, eating wasn’t working, and on top of that, I was so concerned about my weight and my wife finding me attractive that I wasn’t going to eat. So I remember trying so hard to get my wife to want me. Attraction to my wife has NEVER changed, only grown, to this day. I wanted her any time, anywhere. ANYTIME, ANYWHERE. But I was going overboard. I wanted her to want me. I wanted her to attack me. I ended up pushing her away because I came off as unloving. Too aggressive. This is something I realize now, but at the time I saw it as me being too fat or not good enough, or because of her teasing about her prior guy having a bigger penis, me being inadequate and unable to please her.
Sometime after that, whether it be 6 months or a year or whatever it may be, I became desperate to feel wanted. I wanted someone to compliment me. Being so insecure, no amount of compliments would ever be good enough, because you’d never truly believe them. My wife DID give me what I need, I just want to make that point. I didn’t trust in her, and prior to her, I hadn’t trusted in anyone. If anything, I trusted her more than anyone I had ever trusted. Even over my own mother. Still, I didn’t give her my full trust in her love and attraction for me.
I want everyone reading this to know, when you feel this kind of pain, and are going out of your mind trying to deal with it in all the wrong ways, you ARE NOT seeing with a clear mind. All of this is a blur, and it’s by design. You need the ability to bury everything down inside, because a part of you knows its wrong. Time goes by at an incredible rate, you have zero feeling, completely stoic. It’s a complete act, and although you are looking for a good feeling (in my case an ego boost), you NEVER get one. Not even a tiny bit.
In looking for a compliment, I am not quite sure what came first. This is where my wife and I are getting stuck in the mud. I cannot explain everything in detail because it is truly a cloud. I can verify and tell the basics, but as for time, what came first and second, I just cannot. 
As I remember it all, I started with Yahoo Chat. At that time I clearly remember you could search for people by city and state. Of course, I started with our city. Randomly sending “what’s up” messages (not sure what the exact words were) to whoever. Developed a massive list of people over time. Of the maybe 50 people, maybe 3 talked. Completely random chat. 
In my bid for an ego boost, the talks turned sexual. This is where the inward-facing feeling that I would feel when I was dealing with pain got even stronger, even though I was trying so hard to make myself feel better. Still, I pushed on.
These conversations were out of control, and they were saved in the same account that my wife found. She read them. They were nothing but smut. There was no emotional attachment, no love talk, no complaints about personal lives, no talk about being together, just smut.
Not a bit of it helped, and in my insanity, I kept doing it assuming that the next time I would get the confidence boost I needed. Id chat, talk dirty, even got one of the people to get on her webcam a couple times. I had it in my head that she didn’t really want me in any way, that she was just saying that to make me feel better about myself. Looking back, she didn’t know me, I don’t even know how I could think that.
The one that talked most was very persistent about meeting after a period of time just talking dirty. I would make every excuse in the world when she would ask that, and would stop talking for a while. That cloud cleared real quick when it started to become real. Those times that I had a partial realization of what I was doing so wrong, I ended up MUCH worse off than I was going into my dirty attempt for an ego boost.
Id eventually write back, sometimes it was many days, many weeks, or many months in between the times I would log on to the account and have conversations, but id somehow convince myself that the dirty talk would make me feel wanted. Id beg for pictures, etc, she wasn’t all that interested, she would want to meet. So I’d name a time and place, I wouldn’t show. I’d get emails about why, and I’d make up a lame excuse and start talking dirty again.
Eventually I had myself convinced that no one was ever truly anywhere to meet me. It was just part of the dirty talk. So I set up another time and place….. I went there. I saw the person she described herself to be, and I left. Again, that situation cleared the clouds immediately. I took the feeling of wrong, buried it deep down inside, and moved on with life. My wife described these as “meet-ups” to “see how far they would go”. That is kind of misleading. I simply wanted to see if the person would truly be there to meet me, saying the words “how far they would go” implies something totally different. I haven’t touched another woman in 10 years.
Over time, I logged on again. No emails. Surprised because I had expected there to be since it was quite a while, I sent one. Eventually I checked, and the person sent an unhappy message about how I can’t keep leading her on and ditching her. I made up excuses and eventually got back into dirty talking. Again, she wanted to meet. So I said the same place as last. The same place that I left once I saw a person that seemed to match there. In my mind, that was not her. That was just purely in my head. There was never anyone there to meet me, because no one would want to meet me. 
I went again, coffee place, no one really around, so it was obvious when she was looking around. She spotted me, I wasn’t looking at her eyes, but I could tell out of the corner of my eye that her head was still and she was focused my way. At this point I had nervously put the phone up to my head and I was looking for any escape. The clouds had cleared, like ice water being thrown on me. I nervously smiled, couldn’t even look her in the eyes, put my finger up rudely as in “wait a second”, and bolted out the door.
I left in a panic. Took that panic and buried it.
Time went by, checked the account. Angry emails. The most current one was a threatening one stating that if I do not meet her to “at least talk”, she will contact my wife and make it possible for me to be more available. Again, I did everything I could to put reasoning behind me ditching.
I kept up with the talks for quite some time after that. Some due to insecurity and wanting to be wanted, and some to keep from worrying that she would contact my wife. She began to press the issue of meeting again, so I’d agree in principal but never set anything. This back and forth went on until the day it all came crashing down.

My wife, who I know now has always loved me deeply, found everything. She read everything. Deleted items, sent items, entire dirty conversations detailing sexual things that the person would do to me and my responses in a bid to get the person to want me. She gave up absolutely everything to be with me. She trusted me completely, and I didn’t trust her love for me back. I couldn’t. I never believed I could be wanted. 
The bottle that I used to hold in everything since I was 5 years old, shattered. You’d imagine a flood of emotion, no, it was more like an ooze. Slowly coming out, but completely unstoppable. I hadn’t cried in 20 years, that changed real fast. I don’t expect that a single person reading this will be able to relate, but please believe me, the worst pain you can feel is that of destroying the person that you love the most. I would rather be kicked in the face a million times over, I would rather relive the molestation as a child, absolutely anything. 
Understand, this woman is as close to perfect in every single way. And damn it, I love and have always loved her to the ends of this earth. I cannot imagine a better life, and I’ve never at any point ever imagined a life with anyone else. I’ve never had the “grass is greener” feeling, I have never once complained about my wife to a friend or my family, nothing. Basically, our life had been perfect, except that I didn’t give 100 percent of my heart and soul to her, she did. There is ZERO doubt in my mind that if I had confided in her, if I had shared with her my pain, and let her be to me what a wife and husband are meant to be to each other, none of this would have happened.
I know my wife knows that we have never had a problem with attraction. I’m all over her constantly, she is the definition of perfect to me. I don’t go to strip clubs, I’m not a porn watcher, she is seriously what turns me on. The mere sight of her in her bra and panties makes me lose my damn mind. She knows I adore her, I strive to make her smile, I love her smile. Nothing makes me happier. I wouldn’t change a single thing about her. NOT ONE SINGLE THING. I’ve not been physical with anyone but my wife for over 10 years. Realistically, from an outside view, if you saw a picture of the both of us, you may believe me a bit more. She’s easily a 10, and I’m average Joe. There is no grass is greener, I’ve always had the greenest grass laying next to me. This had zero to do with being physical with someone else, and 100 percent about what the Dr. called “Dissociative Disorder” and “Depersonalization”. 

I had never been looking for something my wife couldn’t give me. I had been trying to fix my insecurities when I should have gone to the person that loves me, and asked her for help. I will prove it any way I can, the problem is, I’ve killed all trust. Even though we came from nothing, we’ve built a pretty substantial amount of assets. I have let my wife know that if its ANY proof of my intentions, I will GLADLY have a marriage contract drafted stating that any infidelity would result in her not only getting every dime of our estate, but also complete custody of our children. If there is one thing that I know she knows, that is that I am in love with my kids. 
I am already living completely transparently. I set up my emails to sync with her phone and iPad, she has access to every financial account we have (everything is shared), I do not delete things on my phone, she is free to take a look at absolutely anything. I will never be upset with her spot checking anything or keeping tabs on me once in a while. To me it means that she still cares about me. It means that she wants to prove to herself that I am being who I’m promising to be, because she wants to be with that person. I even set up my phone so that she can track my EXACT whereabouts at any time via the internet. A nice little dot on the map.
As for the poster INA, you made a point that had me in tears for hours today. There may be nothing I can do to get my wife to trust in me again. I do not want my wife to have to live a life of “hyper-vigilance”. This is really what she has been doing on a slightly more minimal scale since this has happened. She deserves to be happy. She is an absolutely amazing person who deserves the happiest of lives. I desperately want to give that to her, but I may have lost my chance, and I’m beginning to come to grips with that. She deserves nothing but complete and full happiness.

I’m sorry if this note started off well written and fell off as it went on, I’m mega tired. I miss my wife. 

To my wife –
I absolutely adore you. I’m not deserving of you, and I fully realize that there are millions of people that could make you happy, and that you chose me. I have taken your heart and shredded it. I’m not going to ask anything of you, I deserve nothing. I am forever in your debt, and will do whatever it takes and wait any amount of time for you to decide. Please believe that your happiness is what I truly care about, even if that means a life without us together. I will take what you give me, and give back tenfold.
But know, whatever you decide, I am dedicated to spending the rest of my life making things up to you, giving you 100 percent of me, and being everything you had always deserved, plus more. I know that trust would take a long time to build, but if you have even a shred left, I have 100 percent confidence that I can build from that.
I can’t change what I’ve done, I can only take the steps I need to continue to confront why I could do something so terrible, and continue to share my feelings instead of hold them all in.

*I love you. More than anything in this entire world. * 


-YOUR HUSBAND


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