# Is Wife Cheating?



## steel (Aug 10, 2010)

i recently found out my wife has established a friendship with a neighbor.

our sub-division has a community pool and playground. my family can access both amenities through our backyard by entering a neighborhood common area. however, to do so, we have to pass within plain site of this neighbor’s backyard.

this neighbor, his wife and 3 children moved into our neighborhood about 1-1/2 years ago. although i have spoken with him a time or two, he and i haven’t become 'chums'.

about 6 weeks ago, my wife and i had taken our youngest son to the neighborhood pool. soon after arriving, this neighbor showed up with one of his children.... both his son and mine are toddlers so, they were both swimming in the 'baby pool'. my wife and i are sitting next to each other talking. the neighbor sits directly across from us, which is about 10 feet. in being polite, he and begin general conversation. as the conversation continues, i think to invite him to an annual block party that i host every year on the 4th of july.... again, he and his family are fairly new to the neighborhood and our block party is generally a big hit and therefore a great opportunity to network with a lot of the neighbors.

he said thanks, and that my wife had been telling him all about it at the pool earlier that week. at that point, i didn't realize he and my wife even knew each other. i also noticed my wife's body language sort of slink down... i immediately processed it, didn't think anything of it, so didn't say anything.

he and i continued in general conversation, but in doing so, i began to feel like he was almost trying to mock me. hard to describe, but it was like he really wanted me to know that he had been talking to my wife. 

i think it is important to mention that i am 6'-4", around 220 lbs and work out frequently, thus having a fairly decent frame (and that is probably being somewhat modest). the neighbor is a small framed guy. not trying to be mean, but i don't think he felt physically superior. so, at this point i became a little suspicious.... but, said nothing.

two or three nights later, my wife, son and i went back to the pool again. within minutes, the neighbor shows up. this time he didn't enter the pool area, just walked around the parking lot with his son. now i realize that doesn't sound suspicious, but you had to be there. it was almost like he was hovering??? again, nothing had really happened, so i wasn't going to accuse my wife of anything.

4th of july block party (several weeks have gone by). neighbor shows up with wife and three children. now, i realize this is ****ty, but i decided to spy on my wife, but it was in a sincere effort to erase suspicion from my mind. we had about 150 people show up, so it was easy for me to step back into the crowd and watch if the two of them interacted..... they did.

my wife immediately greeted the neighbor and his family... no big deal. but, over the next hour, every time i looked up, my wife and the neighbor were talking. notice i said, her and the neighbor. his wife and kids just seem to fall into the shadows on the outskirts of the gathering. now, if anyone is not buying this, let me also mention that my wife is a very shy person. it is very difficult for her to go out of her way to speak to people she doesn't know.... in other words, she and i have been together for 10 years and what i was watching was completely out of character for her. 

i felt i had enough reason to ask my wife about it, but wasn't going to do so at our party, so i let it go until the next day.

right, wrong or indifferent, the way i brought it up to my wife was.... "looks like you have a little crush". she played dumb at first, but then said "you think it is x" (x = the neighbor). i asked why she thought i would assume him. she said b/c of his comments at the pool that first night.

i then told her what i had observed at our party. at first she denied it, but i kept pushing. after a while, she admitted that the two of them seem to bump into each other on occasion, and therefore developed a rapport.

I asked, "what do you mean by bump into each other on occasion?"

long story short, soon after the neighbor had moved into our neighborhood (1-1/2 years ago), he would show up with his children at the playground when my wife and son were out there.... remember, he has visible line of site from his house to the playground.

my wife takes our youngest son and the dog on a walk at least 2-3 times a week, and has for years. her normal route passes by the neighbor’s house... this was her routine well before he moved into the neighborhood. but, she said if he was out in the yard, she would, on occasion stop and chat.

when school releases for the summer, our neighborhood pool is the hot spot for moms and children. unknown to me, the neighbor works from home most of the time and this summer has been spending a lot of time at the pool, with his children during the middle of the day. my wife stays home full time with our youngest son, and also spends a lot of time at the pool.... according to my wife, they have spent a fair amount of time "hanging out" at the pool this summer (or at least until 4th of july).

again, up until recent i had absolutely no idea that my wife and the neighbor even knew each other. now i found out they have known each other for 1-1/2 years, but my wife never thought to tell me about it. before anyone starts thinking that i am a jealous freak, let me explain more about my wife's character. my wife tells me about everyone she runs into. this is standard dinner table conversation... so, for her not to tell me about running into this guy is completely out of her character. for her to have been "running into" this guy for 1-1/2 years and i had absolutely no idea, is still almost unbelievable to me, even with her admitting it.

she has held firm that nothing physical occurred. and that nothing intimate has ever been discussed. it has just been light hearted conversation b/c he is fun to hang out with. however, my wife normally would tell me about this fun guy and say something like "you would really like hanging out with this guy, we should get together with him and his wife".... but she didn't.

she finally admitted that this is a case of innocent flirting and that she just enjoyed the attention. 

i should probably let it go, but it is really hanging me up. i am jealous that she is giving another man attention that belongs to me. i may not be as evolved as many of you, but at least i am being honest. 

but that is not what's hanging me up. unless i am missing something, the fact that all of this is so out of character for my wife really makes me suspicious. 

i asked her if the role was reversed.... if she found out i had been "running into" a neighbor for the past 1-1/2 years, how would she feel. she says she would be very hurt and upset.

she admits that she knew that i would be very hurt and upset if i ever found out about it. which begged me to ask, then why did she continue down that path.... she has no answer.

she says they have had no contact since our block party, but admits that if i had not found out, they would still be "hanging out". from her accounts, that this summer at the pool has provided the lion's share of their interaction, by now that 'relationship' (for lack of a better word), would have grown even stronger.

she insists that it would have never gone anywhere and that is was harmless fun.... and i am sure she is right. but, i still wonder if something did happen, or at least, were they setting the stage for it to happen?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

To be honest I am not sure, you writing here means you have a gut feeling that something is wrong. 

*Trust your gut..*

“she says they have had no contact since our block party” –if she is in a physical affair or emotional affair then they will still be in contact, and she will be lying to you through her eye teeth.

You need to have the conversation again, be clear that you need full openness, access to all phones, mail accounts etc… and that all contact stops.

In a marriage there are no hidden details ..

If she is so innocent then she will have no objection to you advising his wife of the situation, please do so as so as you can. Do not let her manipulate you out of it, only tell her after you tell the other wife of your suspicions.

If you still feel there is a problem you will need to gather evidence and review this from time to time.

In the means time buy the book His needs , Her needs by Willard F Harley. Both of you should read it..


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If I were you I'd let go of the idea that because you have a great physique it is unimaginable to think your wife would want some strange.

She's been hiding this for 18 months. This was no innocent flirtation. And likely it is continuing in deeper cover.

You need to watch her and not tip off your wife about doing so.

You can't trust her yet. You are in the verification mode and she is in the either weaning off or going deeper with her affair mode.

Not a good place to be.

another thought: If I were you I'd let your male friends know about his predatory ways in the subdivision. The wives will be pissed about you spreading the word because I think it likely he does this with more than one bored housewife.

Be on your guard.

This man deliberately kept you out of his business so he could attempt to poach your wife. He gets off on it, as you alluded to.


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## AmorousWarrior (Jul 6, 2010)

Sounds suspect to me also. I can understand that she may have met someone and even that she didn't initially tell you, but 1 1/2 years?! That's a long time. In addition to the fact that she didn't say anything that day at the pool. You had to spy on her and question her about it before she admitted anything.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Yeah it's quite possibly just gone underground. Key logger the computer and see what that turns up. Spector Pro is good.


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## steel (Aug 10, 2010)

i am very thankful for all your comments. i originally posted 4 days ago. since then, my wife and i have entered counseling together, where we were given a couple worksheets. as we have worked through them, a level of communication has developed that we've never had..... it is great!

so, in a effort to be absolutely fair to my wife, let me 'try' to adequately explain her perspective.

she and i have differing views about platonic male/female relationships. she feels that they are completely possible. my opinion tends to be more tainted. i feel that having these platonic relationships with the opposite sex provide avenues for "potential' disaster. i realize that way of thinking may be prehistoric, but before you start imagining me in a geico commercial, let me explain.

i'm not saying all relationships with the opposite sex are going to end up sexual. i feel that i'm only recognizing that they can. and if the risk has the ability to devastate my marriage/family... is it worth it? especially if it is a new friendship????

anyway, over the past 10 years, she has conformed to my views. or, so i thought. she now admits that she has harbored resentment for platonic male relationships she gave up for me, and also feels that my views make her feel that i don't trust her..... after deeper reflection, her feelings seem fair.

i also have a much stronger personality. it is fair to say that she has problems standing up to me.. and i know it. therefore, her explanation to this situation, is that this was a way for her to prove to herself that a) i don't control her, b) platonic relationships can exist. she said that she did not seek out this friendship, but since it presented itself, it made it convenient to allow it to develop.

i'm not saying that all is explained and/or forgiven, but i do feel that we are actually communicating. we are both admitting our faults that have damaged our marriage, and she fully admits that her method was wrong.... i trust and believe her.

i confronted 'the neighbor'. i told him that he is a gutless worm for attempting to shoplift the housewives and that i would bash in his skull if i ever found him around my wife again..... he cowered like a scared dog. i also plan to start spreading the word of his "predatory" ways.... thanks michzz!


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

"i confronted 'the neighbor'. i told him that he is a gutless worm for attempting to shoplift the housewives and that i would bash in his skull if i ever found him around my wife again..... he cowered like a scared dog. i also plan to start spreading the word of his "predatory" ways.... thanks michzz! "

Good tactic certainly helps relieve some of your frustration and anger...


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## karilynn (Feb 17, 2010)

Are you serious? OK, I'm going to try to respond as best I can without including all of the smart aleck things that I want to say. So your wife has a friendship with someone during the day while you're at work. Someone that she has met and likes to talk to and etc. I mean, really, what is wrong with that? We all live once in our lives and you both truly need to have outside friendships, male and female. No one can get every single emotional need from one person - we all need friends.
And for you to spy on her at a party and put so much thought into this makes me think that you may be a little insecure and/or controlling. And then to play the he-man card and threaten the guy that your wife considers her friend????? SHAME ON YOU!!! Your wife is not your property and does not BELONG to you, she is a person with feelings, needs, thoughts and hopefully her own choices.......Perhaps that is the reason she needs someone to talk to in the first place. 
Good luck on the counseling. I'm not really trying to be rude but when I read your messages on here it simply infuriated me!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Well, your last post put things in perspective for me. I don't think your wife is cheating. She was just scared to tell you she had befriended a male neighbor. And apparently for good reason... Glad to hear you and the wife are in counseling.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Steel:

Apologies for the below..

So guys what part of this is gives Steel full confidence that his wife was being open and honest, was not in and EA of sorts and gave him absolutely no reason to suspect something was amiss

“*now i found out they have known each other for 1-1/2 years*, but my *wife never thought to tell me *about it. before anyone starts thinking that i am a jealous freak, let me explain more about my wife's character. *my wife tells me about everyone she runs into.*"

"And then to play the he-man card and threaten the guy that your wife considers her friend????? SHAME ON YOU!!!” – *really*…some people react very differently to a breach of trust and lack of open communication. The method in this case was most effective. 

Must be your fault Steel for being such an untrusting, angry person who does not communicate with your wife properly.

The only persons who know what was going on is the wife and the other man. And of course the relationship was platonic and they would never say otherwise.

Steel you did what you did based on what you knew, advice was give, you took some you ignored some, you are only human.

Best wishes, change where you need to change and love your wife..


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## steel (Aug 10, 2010)

although some of these comments sting, i honestly respect and appreciate everyone who has taken time in an effort to help my wife and me. 

the first several responses were probably all from men. some of the more recent, appear to be from women. i bring this up b/c my wife found an article this week (on Cosmo's website). it said that the vast majoity of women believe that men and women can be in platonic relationships. one of the main reasons is that they would not want to ruin the friendship. while at least 80% of men do not care if the friendship ended.... in other words, would risk the friendship if given the opportunity for sex..... remember, i am just the messenger here.

my wife and i really spent some time discussing this. she and i both feel there is a lot of variance in perspective??? which has helped us BOTH tremendously in this situation.

*And for you to spy on her at a party and put so much thought into this makes me think that you may be a little insecure and/or controlling.*

karilynn, i agree with you. as i mentioned in my post, i am in no way trying to indicate that i have evolved yet, but i am at least being honest about it..... that is miles ahead of where i was just a week ago.

i love my wife with everything that is in me. her and my 2 boys, are without a doubt, the best thing that has ever happened to me and the most important thing in my life. that is why i am trying to be brutally honest in all communication with my wife... now. 

*Your wife is not your property and does not BELONG to you, she is a person with feelings, needs, thoughts and hopefully her own choices..*

i have never viewed my wife as my property. it may not sound like it, but i am not a complete caveman... i really am a good guy.... just with a few issues.... but, at least i realize it now.

so far, counseling is very effective. but, she and i realize that no one will be able to do this for us. we have began a journal where we record our discussions. for the first time, we are really communicating. as my wife put it, it's like a good book... just don't want to put it down!

*if you have a "stronger" personality (which is often code for "I intimidate people") then your job is to learn to control you behavior and not expect her to simply "deal with it" or "get stronger" or "man up" or anything else. You need to be concious of the messages you deliver not with your words, but with your body, your voice, your appearance... 80% of communication is non verbal..*

Hunt, i completely agree with you. i feel most communication is done with body language, gestures, tone, etc. therefore, something i have avoided saying, is that "the neighbor" made several aggressive moves towards me at our block party.... at this point, i won't bore you with the details, but he was clearly communicating. and as i mentioned in my original post "he and i continued in general conversation, but in doing so, i began to feel like he was almost trying to mock me. hard to describe, but it was like he really wanted me to know that he had been talking to my wife." 

on each account, i feel he was trying to discount me, in front of my wife, in order to make himself look better. one thing for certain, my wife and i feel we have seen much different sides of him..... and just an fyi... i haven't included this 'tid-bit' of info, and a few others b/c i have 'tried' to keep this objective. but, since my wife and i are reading (and i have her review all my responses to make sure she feels they are fair, prior to posting), she has urged me to include it in this response.

and, yes, one of the first things discovered in counseling was my underlying hostility. i see it now. but, please do not let me be misunderstood. if i feel that someone, anyone is preying on my family, i will defend my family with all that is in my. i am a strong alpha male personality....there are some natural instincts that may not ever go away.... and my wife agrees that these are 'some' of the characteristics that she finds most appealing.... again, not to say that i can't improve b/c i am learning/growing from all this.


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## steel (Aug 10, 2010)

and, my wife is not comfortable with me having female friends..... thought it might be important to include.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Steel: -- You did the right thing then and as you are in councelling together you are doing the right thing now.


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## steel (Aug 10, 2010)

Wisp.... thank you.


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