# Husband has Bipolar and anger issues. help



## caviler (Jul 22, 2011)

My husband has been diagnosed with border line bipolar disorder, took meds for a month and quit. sought no therapy. this was a couple years ago. since then and before we have been on a rollar coaster. nearly everyday we can start out ok but by mid-day he is ticked off at somthing and takes his anger out on me and the children. he often uses the f word and when he is upset with our girls tells them to f-ing quit what they are doing and yells God D***it. I have tried to talk to him about his anger and the way he talks to me and the girls. (we also have a newborn boy)
When I ask him to stop using the f word toward me and our children he comesback saying "you aint my fing boss, i can do what ever the F i want to do you fing B---."

there are other problems as well, trying to get help with children or house work is like pulling teeth. I am on leave from work now after having the baby but he dosent want me to go back. even when i was working(9 months pregnant, went into labor at work) he would say his job is harder and he shouldnt have to clean. 

I dont expect him to clean as much as help me with the kids so i can clean uninterupted. Our childern our Almost 3, 1 1/2 and 7 weeks old. 

Is it too much to ask him to feed the baby or make sure the toddlers dont jump on the baby while I wash dishes in the kitchen?

Also we are living pay check to paycheck and it kills my husband mentaly. he is constantly complaining about not having enough money. we have a townhouse, clothes, food, internet and cable. I dont think that is so bad. He keeps talking about how he missed his childhood and wishes we would of waited to have kids and he wants to be able to do what he wants when he wants. he gets really depressed about money, he wants brand new trucks and more guns, hundred acres in the woods, sports cars ect. He is never satisfied. I'm happy with what we have, I love my old reliable car, i dont want a big house or a new car. I just want to be simple. he has to have a big flat screen TV, bigger guns, RC cars ect. 

I cant cope with the anger and the "nothing is good enough" mentality. i am tired of verbal abuse. I dont know what to do. but i dont what my children growing up thinking this is OK.

I dont know where to turn. I have no money to escape. and i want to work things out but cant talk with out being called a B---- and told to shut the F up.


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## Kyle5311 (Jul 13, 2011)

I'm no therapist but it sounds like he's looking for happiness everywhere but in himself and with his family. If he won't seek help, will he read? There is a book called peace is every step from Tich Nhat Hanh, it's a book to help you find inner peace. Some other good books are The mastery of love and The voice of knowlege , both from Don Miguel Ruiz both give great self help. If he doesn't want to fix himself he won't change over time, as the kids get older and school begins etc. The expenses go up as well as the responsibilities. He has to want peace. You're in a tough spot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

caviler said:


> My husband has been diagnosed with border line bipolar disorder, took meds for a month and quit.


Caviler, you are describing the behavior of an angry, spoiled child who throws tantrums when that anger is triggered. That is, you are describing behavior that is much closer to BPD traits (Borderline Personality Disorder traits) than to bipolar traits. I am not a psychologist. Rather, I am just a man who spent 15 years taking care of a bipolar foster son and a BPDer exW. Based on that experience, I observed several clear differences between the two disorders. 

First, bipolar mood swings are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. In contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in four days. BPD rages, for example, typically last about 5 hours and rarely as long as 36 hours (if the BPD sufferer is inner-directed, you will not witness a raging screaming person but, instead, a quiet withdrawn person who turns her anger onto herself).

A second difference is that the onset is very different. Whereas a bipolar change may occur over several weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 10 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action.

A third difference is that, whereas bipolar can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness you see when a BPDer is splitting you black. The difference is huge: while a manic person may regard you as an irritation, a BPDer person can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly.

A fourth difference is that, whereas BPDers typically carry enormous anger inside from early childhood, bipolar sufferers typically do not because their illness arises from a body chemistry imbalance -- not from childhood trauma.

Finally, a fifth difference is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if she knows you well. Untreated BPDs, however, are unable to trust -- even though they sometimes may claim otherwise. This lack of trust means there is no foundation on which to build a relationship. Moreover -- and I learned this the hard way -- when a person does not trust you, you can never trust them because they can turn on you at any time -- and almost certainly will.

Yet, despite these five clear differences between the two disorders, many people confuse the two. The primary source of this confusion seems to be the fact that many BPD sufferers also have the bipolar disorder. Moreover, for several reasons I've explained in other threads, therapists are loath to tell a BPDer client he "has BPD" even when that is the true diagnosis. I mention this because, if your H's therapist diagnosed him as having both disorders, it is very unlikely the T would have mentioned the BPD. Also, if the T only saw your husband in a few 50-minute sessions, he may have mistaken bipolar for BPD because BPDers can easily mask their BPD traits during therapy sessions.

Hence, if this discussion of BPD traits rings a bell, I suggest you read more about such traits to see if you spot many of the red flags in your H's behavior. On this forum, you can start by reading my overview of such traits in Blacksmith's thread. My posts there start at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-complicated-marriage-dynamic.html#post358403. Take care, Caviler.


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## SeekingSerenity (Jul 29, 2011)

My thoughts are with you, living with bipolar is so hard when they don't take care of themselves. Mine just started meds after 18 years of marriage and 16 years of walking on egg shells around him. He just started meds because of DD which was 2 weeks ago, don't know if he will stick with it I doubt it.


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## busywifeandmom (Aug 31, 2011)

Uptown, thank you for posting this! My husband was diagnosed in the navy many years ago with Bi-polar, but after reading your post, I am quite sure he is BPD. The trust is still an issue after 15 years of marriage and 5 kids together. His mood swings so quickly at times that I walk on egg shells constantly trying not to set him off (not that there is any pattern to what sets him off).

Our marriage almost ended this summer after I stood up for myself and the verbal abuse. But, as usual, I caved after a week of hearing how much he loved me and wanted our family to stay together. And I do too, but there are times I just can't take his anger issues.

I'm off to read more, but thanks again, for posting this. Now I have a place to start.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

What your H is doing is verbal abuse to you and your children. Whether or not it's BPD, Bipolar, stupidity, etc.... Your children do not deserve that kind of treatment from a man who they love and trust with their lives! How was he on the meds for the month he was on them?

My H is either BPD, Bipolar or something, but he will not seek treatment... So he smokes pot. BUT before the pot smoking entered our marriage, it was sometimes a living hell. I took the liberty of threatening to call the cops and most of the time I did... I believe in one year alone they were called about 10 times. I do NOT recommend this unless you know for a fact that he will not hurt you in your attempt to call the cops. I heard several times from him that if I called the cops again, they'll probably take our kids from us... Well, guess what? I was that desperate to get his anger under control that I really truly did not care at that moment if my kids were taken from us because a part of me knew they would be in a calmer environment then the sh*t he was putting us through. I don't know if I was right, but I so wanted for things to just be calm. I would try to get my mom to come get the kids if he was acting like that, but he wasn't having that either... So I was in a no win. 

Is pot our longterm solution, only if it becomes legal I guess, but it works for our family right now. 

I would strongly urge you to either help him see that he does need help and gets it, or you have to leave him... My H started out with the occasional mood swings and they got so violent that something had to give in our home.

Good luck to you and your children.


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