# Partner nasty during sex



## Woola66 (Feb 29, 2012)

Hello everyone. This is rather embarrassing but I need some advice. My wife becomes nasty with me if she doesn't climax during sex. I do everything I possibly can to make it happen and sometimes it takes hours and we are both worn out mentally and physically. What should I do? We've talked about it and she apologizes and everything but I don't know how much more I can take. Any advice is greatly appreciated.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you tried a hitachi magic wand?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woola66 (Feb 29, 2012)

A what?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Hitachi Massager, Magic Wand - Walmart.com


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## Woola66 (Feb 29, 2012)

Thanks for the advice and the link, but she won't use toys in the bedroom. My main problem is that the nasty comments when things aren't my fault are getting to me and it's making it so I'm afraid to have sex half the time because if just one little thing goes wrong then the negativity starts. Then she acts like I'm not supposed to get upset when she uses that kind of tone with me. This is the real issue for me.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Stop having sex until you can talk to a marriage counselor. One who specializes in sex. Good grief, that sounds damaging to continue on like that. You owe it to yourself to stop. As a woman, I am highly embarassed to hear this sort of insensitivity. How could it possibly be someone else's fault that you're not orgasming...assuming of course that she was able to before, and nothing has changed on your part?


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

On the other side, though, I can imagine if she is trying and trying with all her energy to orgasm, but can't get there, she must be VERY frustrated. That doesn't excuse hurting someone else, but it is something to understand.

If she is this frustrated, and you presented the toy as you trying to help her with her frustration, would she still not consider it as a way to deal with the frustration? Especially if you are willing to be part of the experience and participate with her to reach orgasm with it? It may be something you can explore with her, especially if you are understanding of her situation as well. If not, then a counselor that specializes in sex may be the only route for it.


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## Woola66 (Feb 29, 2012)

Homemaker,
That's one of the problems; there are no sex therapists in our area. We have no car and the closest sex therapist is 3 hours away. This has been going on for over six months. Nothing has changed on my part. I am romantic (music in the bedroom, etc...) lots of caressing and foreplay. We've even used KY Intense with minimal results. We see a therapist but he's not able to provide advice on sexual matters. I've talked to a very close friend and she has said that there are times when she doesn't orgasm but doesn't get mad about it.

The thing I'm most upset about is that the other night she said, "I hate you." when she was the most frustrated. She gets so close and then loses the orgasm and sometimes this happens several times during a session. I know that she doesn't really hate me, but when you say something like that to someone during such an intimate time, it has an effect on you and it's making me very self-conscious about making love now.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

Woola66 said:


> Homemaker,
> The thing I'm most upset about is that the other night she said, "I hate you." when she was the most frustrated. *She gets so close and then loses the orgasm and sometimes this happens several times during a session.* I know that she doesn't really hate me, but when you say something like that to someone during such an intimate time, it has an effect on you and it's making me very self-conscious about making love now.


I have to tell you, that has to be some SUPER INTENSE frustration right there, especially when she has worked that hard for it, and if this is repeated over and over ...

Is a 3 hour drive completely unworkable when you consider it from her standpoint? I realize it may be, but in a situation like that, recognizing the magnitude of her frustration, I would think it would have to be considered seriously.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

She's not having an orgasm because of what's in her mind. This is very difficult to change and she needs to assume responsibility for her own pleasure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woola66 (Feb 29, 2012)

Shy guy,
If insurance covered this kind of therapy and we had a vehicle, I would make an appointment and jump right in the car and go. However, we are on a very limited income right now and cannot afford $100-200 a session. Especially because this is something that isn't going to be resolved with just one session.

I'm a lesbian. I just want to make that clear. So it's not that I don't understand what she's going through to some extent. My body works similar to hers after all. There are other issues here. I should have stated this earlier, but I'm very upset right now, so forgive me. It's not that she doesn't come at all, it's that the other ways aren't as intense as the one particular way. It gives her the most pleasure and that's what she's always after. I love her and I want to give her that pleasure so badly, so I'm always game and truth be told I enjoy doing it! But when it doesn't happen that way and only happens the other ways, she still gets pissed off. Sometimes she has two to five of these lesser orgasms and it's still not enough. 

I always take care of her first because of this issue and I always have to take the lead. Not initiate but decide what we're going to do. Plus, if things go south, I don't get satisfied because she's too pissed off and resents me for not having the same difficulty in reaching orgasm as I do.

I'm trying to get past it, but the "I hate you" statement still really hurts and I don't know what to do about it.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Woola66 said:


> The thing I'm most upset about is that the other night she said, "I hate you." when she was the most frustrated. She gets so close and then loses the orgasm and sometimes this happens several times during a session. I know that she doesn't really hate me, but when you say something like that to someone during such an intimate time, it has an effect on you and it's making me very self-conscious about making love now.


Honestly, I wouldn't be able to have sex at all with my partner if he ever said "I hate you" during sex. I'd need to understand where that came from a lot better before I would want to get anywhere near him intimately. A LOT better.

Saying "I hate you" _at any time _raises a lot of questions, I think. Maybe you can use your current MC sessions to talk about why those words were at the tip of her tongue. Don't let her tell you it means nothing - it means something that she uses that tone of voice and those kinds of words. 

Ask her in MC whether she has moments when she feels like she hates you. (That doesn't mean she _hates _you; just that she has moments of anger/frustration/resentment/something that is building and creating distance and conflict between you).



> I'm trying to get past it, but the "I hate you" statement still really hurts and I don't know what to do about it.


You have to tell her how hurtful her words are to you, and ask her to be more mindful of how harsh and lasting those words are. Tell her not to use them unless she really means it because it is hurtful and unkind.

You are allowed to teach people how to treat you, and to remind them if they're crossing your boundaries.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

Woola66 said:


> I'm trying to get past it, but the "I hate you" statement still really hurts and I don't know what to do about it.


I can imagine it hurts a lot. I wish I had another suggestion, but I'm all out of suggestions. All I was really going for when I was suggesting was thinking that something would need to change if different results were desired. The things I suggested were the only things I could see in your posts that could change in a positive manner. I'm hoping somebody else has something to offer, but as a minimum, I would think she should be willing to take turns in who goes first ... it seems unreasonable to me that you think you always have to take care of her first, but in a situation with this much frustration, I'm not sure what to suggest.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Whoa! Not nice at all.

Try a rabbit vibrator. They are pretty awesome and easy to climax quickly on. Adamandeve.com will exchange or refund your money in 90 days for any reason, plus they give free gifts.

Anyways, if she's acting like that, I can't imagine that she's emotionally connected with you.


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## Woola66 (Feb 29, 2012)

Everyone,

I so much appreciate your insights and advice. I realize there isn't going to be any one answer to this. NoraJane, I am going to talk to her about how her words hurt and that if it continues than I can't continue to put myself in the firing line for that kind of treatment. ShyGuy and others; I am going to approach the subject of a toy and see what she says. I'm still up for any advice or thoughts on the subject and I'll post how things are going, too.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

First of all your wife is being immature, disrespectful, cruel and self-centered. There is no place for that in the relationship and certainly not in the bedroom. You are not a service worker, you are both making love and both are working towards mutual satisfaction. 

Boy, If you can last for that long then she has enough time. Therefore, I don't see is as your problem but your concern. She has the overwhelming responsibility to work on herself to learn to orgasm while letting you know what she is doing. You can only encourage her and learn yourself. 

Does she orgasm from clitoral stimulation or vaginally? Only 30% of women orgasm from vaginal sex alone most need clitoral stimulation. Did you both know that? Does she maturbate? Can she bring herself to orgasm and has she ever orgasmed before. How do you orgasm and how does she get you there? 

If you think this will work for you, would You be willing to put a temporary moratorium on sex. Get a plan together. May i suggest that you inform her that you are both going to read and practice different methods. She is the one who has to do the work you have a role of assisting and encouraging her but you cannot make her orgasm if she blames you and does not work on herself. 

I don't orgasm every time. I cannot orgasm vaginally and even with the right technique, sometimes I know I will not get there. It does not happen often enough to frustrate me and I still enjoy sex. I tell my husband when I know and he knows that it is not a problem with me because we discussed it. It's not his fault it is my biology. 

In fact it is not unusual. You both have to read read read. 

Another thing you have to set bounderies. You cannot tolerate this behavior no matter what. You dont diserve this treatment. Put a stop to it by taking a leadership role in handeling this. Let her know it is both your concerns and that you are certainly anxious to work with her and do what you can to help her work on orgasming. Some women have to work at it. I dont her age but sometimes women cant orgasm until they are in the middle 20's.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woola66 (Feb 29, 2012)

We are both 40 and have been together since we were teens. This problem started occurring here and there about a year ago, then the last six months with more and more frequency. She is able to climax both ways, but vaginally is not as satisfying to her, so while we may do some stuff to give vaginal orgasms, the end result is usually reached by clitoral stimulation and usually orally because she doesn't feel as much with fingers. Used to be the other way around, but as of six months ago, it changed. We've been to the OBGYN and there is nothing physically wrong with her. We've been over the fact that we are getting older and that our bodies change with time and have talked about stuff numerous times.

She has brought herself to orgasm a few times but is very shy about doing so. Up until a year ago we enjoyed a rather lusty sex life. 

For myself, I cannot orgasm vaginally, only through clitoral stimulation which we achieve several different ways. The thing is is that it only takes me a matter of minutes to climax, especially if I'm very aroused. I'm willing to put a hold on sex for the moment until we talk about this. I'm very upset and have no interest in it at the moment.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She sounds like an insensitive a s s hole.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

First I was shocked reading that you go at it for HOURS!!!!! Then you tell us you are a lesbian couple (not that there is anything wrong with that)..... 

Sorry but it has to psychological to go for hours and not getting there. Ask her to show her how to do it on her own. Obviously this is some hang-up she can't get over.

Is it she maybe has issues with toys, bit requires a dildo, which then is subconsciously a turnoff too?


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## Woola66 (Feb 29, 2012)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> First I was shocked reading that you go at it for HOURS!!!!! Then you tell us you are a lesbian couple (not that there is anything wrong with that).....
> 
> Sorry but it has to psychological to go for hours and not getting there. Ask her to show her how to do it on her own. Obviously this is some hang-up she can't get over.
> 
> Is it she maybe has issues with toys, bit requires a dildo, which then is subconsciously a turnoff too?


I don't know because we've never used a toy. Never had to. As I said, we had a very active and happy sex life until a year ago when this started but the last six months have just been hell at times.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

If it takes her hours to climax during intercourse then she needs a clitoral vibrator. She could use it on her clit while you enter her. The "wand" thing is pretty brutal, there are better ones out there.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Woola66 said:


> I don't know because we've never used a toy. Never had to. As I said, we had a very active and happy sex life until a year ago when this started but the last six months have just been hell at times.


Barring physical problems or emotional issues, the only other issue is the changes from aging.

Just because you two never needed to use toys or adjust your methods of having sex does not mean you never have to from this point forward.

It's this simple, does she want an orgasm or not? With you or alone?

Like i said, physical or emotional problems can intrude. But you don't have to let them. And she expressing hatred?

Boy, would I step back big time.


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## maggot brain (Nov 28, 2010)

Woola66 said:


> I'm trying to get past it, but the "I hate you" statement still really hurts and I don't know what to do about it.


Does she have a history of relationships with men and if so was she able to orgasm readily with them?


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## Woola66 (Feb 29, 2012)

Thank you all for the support and advice. We talked at length last night and really hashed a lot of things out. She really felt badly about the things she has said and I believe her. It's not that she's a bad, heartless person; far from it. I informed her that I was not going to tolerate that kind of treatment any longer and she agreed that she would not do it. She said that she knows that I've been nothing but supportive and kind and caring and that the problem is hers. I said that I want to help her in any way I can, but that I don't want to be treated that way any longer when I'm only trying to help and give her enjoyment. She said that part of the problem was that she felt she was disappointing me if she couldn't have a "big" orgasm and that that would get stuck in her brain and hamper her concentration. I assured her that the only reason I would be disappointed is because I enjoy giving her that kind of pleasure but if it doesn't happen I am in no way disappointed in HER. 

So we are on the same page now and we will see how things go. Again, thanks for "listening" and the advice. Keep your fingers crossed for me. lol


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Have you tried a hitachi magic wand?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Another vote for the wand here.


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## flnative (Jul 16, 2011)

Yes the wand is the only thing that works for us too....but that's ok. She loves it.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Woola66 said:


> Homemaker,
> That's one of the problems; there are no sex therapists in our area. We have no car and the closest sex therapist is 3 hours away. This has been going on for over six months. Nothing has changed on my part. I am romantic (music in the bedroom, etc...) lots of caressing and foreplay. We've even used KY Intense with minimal results. We see a therapist but he's not able to provide advice on sexual matters. I've talked to a very close friend and she has said that there are times when she doesn't orgasm but doesn't get mad about it.
> 
> The thing I'm most upset about is that the other night she said, "I hate you." when she was the most frustrated. She gets so close and then loses the orgasm and sometimes this happens several times during a session. I know that she doesn't really hate me, but when you say something like that to someone during such an intimate time, it has an effect on you and it's making me very self-conscious about making love now.


First of all, it sounds like you need a good cry.
Medical workup.
Including blood sugar, cardiac, hormones, cholesterol, pulmonary, gyn exam including sonography to look for small growths (i.e. endometrial, etc. that could be pressing on a nerve...) I think medical profession (and people in general) tend to think when a woman can't orgasm it's psychological, but get it when a man can't that it's probably physical... 
I'd start with the obvious, and also not be too judgemental about her anger and frustration, that just has to blow if she'd been coming before and now can't. 
Has she changed vitamins or anything like that? Honestly, it sounds like some kind of nerve or blood flow issue. It sounds like she would want to, but can't.
Maybe invite her to cry with you. I've had issues in the past, but they were psychological ones. Just a matter of relaxing, I suppose, and trust, trying too hard for all the wrong reasons. Her 'I hate you' might be an indication of a hormone issue, or just jealousy/envy at your ability to orgasm. If she was high drive before, and is still high drive, not being able to orgasm, right, I'd hate my partner at that point too. This expression could be a comfort level indicator, at the very least, it's honest. But also hurtful. So if she can't resolve the issue on her own, make it a joint problem. Of course, if you can't not come (well, I suppose you could hold off, but that sounds even worse than the hurtful statements...) a talk about the consequences of the sex act beforehand and an understanding of her not taking it personally might cut back on the hurtful statements. 

You might be able to get a phone consult with a sex therapist through your regular therapist, and find out which medical tests to have as a rule-out. That's what a good one would do anyway, with a bit of legwork on your own, you can at least take care of that, and maybe get some recommendations in the meantime. Some specialists now Skype for consultations.

Hey, I only had to edit one part of this for gender. ;-)


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## Woola66 (Feb 29, 2012)

Well, the saga continues. Things were great the first night we talked but the past couple of times we've tried, things go great up until the "end" and then it all falls apart. She feels like I'm not listening to her body and I feel like I am. Things have happened one way in the past and so that's what I'm going by and now she says it's different. I don't know. We just can't get in sync and I don't know how to get back into sync. It's just too damn clinical. I think we're both tired of having to talk talk talk about it and we feel like it's not fun anymore. We've both said about taking a break from it but don't really want to. Maybe we should. I'm so confused at this point that I don't know which way is up. We've been to the gyno and she has done hormone/blood work up and everything is fine. Is there a blood flow test for the clitoris? I know that might sound silly, but I'm just trying to think of anything I can. Our libidos aren't the problem. It's getting that last big "O". I don't know. I'm at my wits end.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Woola66 said:


> We talked at length last night and really hashed a lot of things out.
> 
> *She said that she knows* that I've been nothing but supportive and kind and caring and *that the problem is hers*.
> 
> ...





Woola66 said:


> but the past couple of times we've tried, things go great up until the "end" and then it all falls apart.
> *
> She feels like I'm not listening to her body and I feel like I am. *
> 
> Our libidos aren't the problem. It's getting that last big "O".


This is contradictory - at first she said that she knows the problem is hers, and now she is saying that she feels you are not listening to her body. Which does she really believe?

All I know is that my guy can workworkwork, but if my head is not in the right place, I can't have an orgasm no matter what he does. It's on me.

If that "last big O" is so important, can SHE give herself one? Maybe she can work on her clit while you touch her elsewhere?

If not, then I will add my vote for a vibrator. If it's so important and it's causing so much frustration between you, then use the help! Have fun with it! My favorite is a Lelo vibe - upscale and expensive, but they are rechargeable and are made well. Check their website to see the different vibes they offer, but try Amazon or elsewhere to buy them for less.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I say tie her up, blindfold and gag..... and torture her with sensual lovemaking....

Edited to add: But.... if she likes it (and who wouldn't???) then THIS is what you'd have to do every time.


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