# A little paranoid...



## Scotsirish (Feb 14, 2014)

I hate to admit to being a little paranoid, but my spidey sense has me worried and I want to know if I am out of line.
My wife has cheated before in our marriage. Reconciliation has been rocky at times and I have had trouble letting go of the past while trying to move forward.
My wife likes to talk about her workday when she gets home and sometimes has a funny story about whatever this IT guy did, or something about that off-beat maintenance guy she has to deal with occasionally. That's fine.
However, there is one guy she talks about occasionally, but she seems to go out of her way to describe him in negative terms. He drives a new truck but it's already beat up. He's not friendly. Not polite. He's dour. Doesn't seem to talk much with people. She says she doesn't have much contact with him. My brother was in high school with this guy and has described him as an outstanding track athlete.
Ok. Maybe he is genuinely a negative personality that turns her off.
Or, is she attracted to him and trying to make me think otherwise?
Am I making a mountain out of a mole-hill, or am I on to something I should pay attention to?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I would start paying attention...especially if she suddenly stops talking about this guy.

I would plant a VAR in her car and start looking at her cell phone and call log.

BTW how did you catch her the 1st time and what did your wife do or is doing to affair proof the marriage?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

As per your other post, she cheated on your during a 6 YEAR affair.

You're going to need to keep tabs on her for as long as you're together.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

the guy said:


> I would start paying attention...especially if she suddenly stops talking about this guy.
> 
> I would plant a VAR in her car and start looking at her cell phone and call log.
> 
> BTW how did you catch her the 1st time and what did your wife do or is doing to affair proof the marriage?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
VAR asap!!!
Find out what you are up against.
If it's nothing at least you can rule it out.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Vigilance.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

It totally depends on the context. If its mostly in negative terms then it is most likely just shop talk.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

The gut feeling is rarely wrong. Investigate quietly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

You have every reason to be paranoid.Also my wife is very paranoid from growing up in Ukraine where there's a shortage of eligible me so she sees other women as a threat to her and is very vigilant.I find it funny and sometimes cute but make sure she doesn't go overboard.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I suspect if she were interested in him, you wouldn't be hearing about him. At all. She'd be hiding any and all interactions with him, and would be careful to hide his existence.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Scotsirish said:


> I hate to admit to being a little paranoid, but my spidey sense has me worried and I want to know if I am out of line.
> My wife has cheated before in our marriage. Reconciliation has been rocky at times and I have had trouble letting go of the past while trying to move forward.
> My wife likes to talk about her workday when she gets home and sometimes has a funny story about whatever this IT guy did, or something about that off-beat maintenance guy she has to deal with occasionally. That's fine.
> However, there is one guy she talks about occasionally, but she seems to go out of her way to describe him in negative terms. * He drives a new truck but it's already beat up. He's not friendly. Not polite. He's dour. Doesn't seem to talk much with people. She says she doesn't have much contact with him. * My brother was in high school with this guy and has described him as an outstanding track athlete.
> ...


Why is it bothering her that he's not friendly?
Maybe because she likes him so much that she wish he was friendly with her? 

Why does it bother her that he doesn't seem to talk much with people?
Maybe because she likes him so much that she wish he could talk to her at least?

Whether he's good or bad, sounds like this IT guy has impressed your wife too much...a bit too much ! 


It's what my ex used to do. 
I always wondered why my ex used to talk bad about one of my friends...and then I learned he did so because he couldn't get her laid. 

There are people who talk bad about someone they can't have.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

It is your right to cancel R and go to D at anytime. She has no vote in the matter. She lost that with the affair. VAR and see Wots up.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

norajane said:


> I suspect if she were interested in him, you wouldn't be hearing about him. At all. She'd be hiding any and all interactions with him, and would be careful to hide his existence.


True. 

Also consider she may be talking about many people, but the one she no longer talks about could be a red flag too.


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## Scotsirish (Feb 14, 2014)

Thanks all for your perspective. Someone on this forum said blind trust is dangerous. That got kicked out of me a long time ago.
I will up my survellance and snooping.
I have made up my mind that any misstep on her part is a deal breaker for me.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Scotsirish said:


> Thanks all for your perspective. Someone on this forum said blind trust is dangerous. That got kicked out of me a long time ago.
> I will up my survellance and snooping.
> I have made up my mind that any misstep on her part is a deal breaker for me.


It really is a shame that betraying causes such mistrust. But it really does seem as if she is trying to throw you off the scent.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

FormerSelf said:


> The lady doth protest too much, methinks.


:iagree: She sounds like a complainer.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

My H hid his affair like this. Told me the girl he worked with was Fat, ugly, and rude. 

I guess it was a good thing I found him looking at her FB page constantly. She wasn't fat. When I figured that out, I confronted him about it. He changed his whole story about how he got to know her and she was kind of nice.

Then it turned into he wasn't talking to her anymore because she was turning people in for harassment and he didn't want to put his career on the line...

Turns out, they were having an affair the whole time. 

Total BS.

Just be careful.


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## Soma289 (Sep 2, 2014)

This post is the very reason that cheating is an automatic dealbreaker for me. You may not ever be able to trust her again. You are now questioning everything she's doing. Answer this question - is this how you want to live the rest of your married life? Paranoid?

I say it's not worth it. Trust is the sole foundation of a healthy marriage. Without it, you have a house of cards.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

trust your 'spidey sense'. Not that there's necessarily a full blown affair, but that there's something going on.

I spent about year and a half paranoing about my ex, who seemed to talk a bit too much about two certain guys. She would bad mouth them too. But there was just too much hints in between about her liking them. i would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweat with visions of her going at it with them. But I denied my spidey sense. Convinced myself not to go there.
She would always tell me how open and honest she was and how she NEVER lied. I chose to believe her.

I found out about a year later she did both of them.


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## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

OP, when my ex was up to no good I ignored the signs initially. His 'tells' were so subtle that I told myself for quite some time that I was reading too much into it, etc.

Turns out I had lot to be suspicious about.


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