# Confused



## MsPATS (Nov 28, 2012)

I am very confused about my relationship. My friend is my best friend. He is 45, I am 58. I am widowed, he is divorced. Our friends call us the love birds. We have dinner together 2-3 times a week; sometimes with friends. We go to concerts together. We go on vacations together and share a hotel room. We talk on the phone for hours. We have very intimate conversations; discussions I have never had with anyone else before. Truly he knows more about me than anyone. He is a man who is not afraid to cry. He will do anything for me, and me him. We have been going together for six months, but no sex. When he sleeps over he sleeps on the couch. Last weekend, after dinner and drinks, when I returned to the living room the lights were turned down low and soft music was playing. When I suggested we go to bed, he seemed shocked, so I backed off. I don't want to risk losing his friendship but am confused as to what he wants from our relationship.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Friendship. That would seem what he wants, what the deal is. He doesn't want a lover.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

How long have you been seeing him, OP, and how long has he been divorced?

There could be a number of things involved here, including possible embarrassment about ED.

There again, he could possibly be only looking for friendship.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

There are men who value friendship more than sex despite what many say on TAM. He may be one of them. Perhaps you should talk to him about it since you have intimate discussions. Find out what his expectations, hopes and dreams are and then share yours. Sounds like you found a good friend.


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## Hope4thebest (Nov 28, 2012)

I am really new here but I am not new to life.. If you have felt comfortable enough having intimate conversations then why not just ask him? Maybe there is a reason.. Maybe it is because he doesnt want to ruin your friendship... But if... IMHO.. You are best friends.. wouldn't he want to make love to you? I know I want to make love to my best friend... And only her!!


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## MsPATS (Nov 28, 2012)

I have known him for several years, but I never knew his ex. He is divorced two years. I am widowed ten years. We have only been seeing each other for the past six months. I know I should talk to him about this but I am afraid if I bring up this subject I might jeopardize or make our friendship awkard.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

You might ask him if he sees your relationship going to another level or staying where it is.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

MsPATS said:


> I am very confused about my relationship. My friend is my best friend. He is 45, I am 58. I am widowed, he is divorced. Our friends call us the love birds. We have dinner together 2-3 times a week; sometimes with friends. We go to concerts together. We go on vacations together and share a hotel room. We talk on the phone for hours. We have very intimate conversations; discussions I have never had with anyone else before. Truly he knows more about me than anyone. He is a man who is not afraid to cry. He will do anything for me, and me him. We have been going together for six months, but no sex. When he sleeps over he sleeps on the couch. Last weekend, after dinner and drinks, when I returned to the living room the lights were turned down low and soft music was playing. When I suggested we go to bed, he seemed shocked, so I backed off. I don't want to risk losing his friendship but am confused as to what he wants from our relationship.


I'd be climbing the walls with this sort of interaction and no sex. How can you stand it?!

Some serious talking is in order. If he knows so much about you and you about him...TALK ABOUT THIS in a direct,respectful way.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Does he have any health issues that would suggest ED , High Blood pressure, overweight / Low Testosterone, Diabetes?

If not, and there is noone else, Yeah.... pretty odd. 



> *ScarletBegonias said*: I'd be climbing the walls with this sort of interaction and no sex. How can you stand it?!
> 
> Some serious talking is in order. If he knows so much about you and you about him...TALK ABOUT THIS in a direct,respectful way


 I'd feel the same...open up the Romance/







/ Intimacy Dialog a little wider.... get a feel about how he stands on such things.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

MsPATS said:


> I have known him for several years, but I never knew his ex. He is divorced two years. I am widowed ten years. We have only been seeing each other for the past six months. I know I should talk to him about this but I am afraid if I bring up this subject I might jeopardize or make our friendship awkard.


Do you know why he got divorced? Is that something you would feel comfortable talking about?

Again, there could be many reasons for his behaviour, and I think the only way you're going to find out is by somehow broaching the subject with him. As you say, however, it would be sad to ruin a good friendship...

It could be ED or he might even be asexual (my ex-husband was).


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

How much do you want him as a friend as opposed to having a lover/friend that you could lose forever if things go south?

As to why he backed off, could be any number of reasons. you're in a pickle here. Bring up your feelings and if he doesn't feel the same he could start withdrawing because you're looking for more than what he wants to give. And you lose a friend and from the sounds of it a very good friend.

The age difference could be an issue also. He could see you more as an older sister/mother/aunt type that he can unload his feelings to.

Have either of you been in a relationship during this friendship? If so, how did that affect it?


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## MsPATS (Nov 28, 2012)

We have had many discussions about his divorce; what was good what was bad, why it failed, what he or she could have done differently, etc. We have had many discussions about my marriage (I am a widow), what was good, bad, etc. 
He is a sweetheart and he makes me laugh; something I have not done in a long time. 
He calls me during the day from work, from the train on his way home from work and after he gets home from work. 
He does not have kids, I have three grown kids. 
What's strange is I see him watching me all the time. 
But you are correct. I have to be honest with him and resolve this major issue.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

MsPats, I think if the subject is broached carefully (and you sound a thoughtful sort of woman), even if sex isn't going to be on the cards, there's no reason why you should lose his friendship.

It could very well be an ED issue and, if it is, it's really best bringing it into the open.


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## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

Do you guys ever kiss or more? You can share a bed without getting it on. Sounds cray cray, but it happens.


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## MsPATS (Nov 28, 2012)

Yes we do kiss, and it feels very nice. But it does not go beyond that. At our last vacation together, when I woke up he was sleeping in my bed next to me. Just sleeping and cuddling. He has no hesitation about walking around in his shorts or his towel in front of me. He uses the bathroom while I am in the shower. Sometimes I feel he has a "Madona" image of me that does not allow it to go beyond kissing. But then he goes and sets up the livingroom with mood lighting/music/wine. 
To my knowledge he is not seeing/dating anyone else, and I am not dating anyone else.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Does he get an erection when you kiss and cuddle with him?


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## MsPATS (Nov 28, 2012)

Well, we had the talk. Glad we did. It was the best thing for both of us. I won't go into details, but it turns out he has a few problems that he is working on and slowly resolving. While I believe he is a very handsome man, he has low self esteem due to his losing his job of 20 years which followed his divorce. He became depressed and developed a low self image. He acknowledged that after his divorce and job loss he has had a low libido, which he claimes is unusual for him. Not ED. He asked me to hang around and not give up on him, which is something I never thought of doing.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, I'm glad you had the talk with him because now you know what you're dealing with. Nothing like stress for messing with the libido, and his explanation makes sense.

Is he perhaps on anti-depressants? They can also lower the libido.

Hopefully time will sort things out on the physical front.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Glad for the good news! Sounds like you've got a GREAT relationship developing!


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