# How do I become a good wife?



## lifestinks (Jan 6, 2010)

I am new here and, like everyone else, having a few problems in my marriage.
The difference is, I am the one at fault.
My DH is a good man. He is a wonderful provider and father.

Before anyone asks, we are not heading toward a divorce or anything like that. I just want and need to be a better wife and friend to my DH. 

What I am asking is, from a man's point of view, what would you like to see your wife do to become a better wife?

I have read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Laura Schlessinger and have begun to implement some of those ideas.
But I thought it would be better to get a real life opinion on this.

TY!


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## Just_Venting (Jan 12, 2010)

need more information.

Why do you feel like you are a bad wife?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

5 love languages is a good one also 

Have you mapped his body? For real - do you know how to literally push him to the brink just by touching him? I have some other posts on how to do this - and he should also do it for you. 



lifestinks said:


> I am new here and, like everyone else, having a few problems in my marriage.
> The difference is, I am the one at fault.
> My DH is a good man. He is a wonderful provider and father.
> 
> ...


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## lifestinks (Jan 6, 2010)

Just_Venting said:


> need more information.
> 
> Why do you feel like you are a bad wife?


I don't feel like a bad wife per say, just wanting to do things a little different. My hubby is a wonderful man, provider, and father. I want to give back to him the way he has given to me all of these years. 
Our marriage isn't in trouble as far as him wanting to leave or anything. It's just we have been married for 12 years and we are in a rut. My resolution for 2010 is to become a better person. To become a better person, I need to start at home by becoming a better mother and wife. 

It's just that I feel that my life stinks right now because of the rut we're in. Same thing day after day. If I change for the better, the ones around me will be affected and try to do better for themselves.

Thank you for asking


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## lifestinks (Jan 6, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> 5 love languages is a good one also
> 
> Have you mapped his body? For real - do you know how to literally push him to the brink just by touching him? I have some other posts on how to do this - and he should also do it for you.


I will try to look up your other post about this. This sounds great.
I will also look into the 5 love languages as well.

Thank You!!!

Ok, I have looked thru this entire board for your other posts about the body mapping and I can not locate them.
If it's not too much to ask, would you post a link for me?

Thanks


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Well, if you know there are problems and they're your fault, maybe you should start with (1) fix whatever his complaints are, and (2) do more of whatever it is he likes.


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## lifestinks (Jan 6, 2010)

artieb said:


> Well, if you know there are problems and they're your fault, maybe you should start with (1) fix whatever his complaints are, and (2) do more of whatever it is he likes.


The problem is we are in a rut. Same thing day in and day out.
It is my fault because, as a mother, I have to have a routine in place.

#1 - He has no complaints. 
I do everything for him.
I work full time. I do all of the housework. I take care of the kids.
His dinner is waiting on him when he comes in after work. Our sex life is good. 
The only thing he does around the house is mow the yard.
What's left that would he complain about?

#2 - See #1

I was just asking for opinions on what would make me a better wife. Not that I am a bad wife. I have just become a little boring. 
The kids are getting older and I find that maybe if I would do something a little different, it might shake things up a bit.
Like if a man could put together the perfect wife, what would she do or how would she act? That kind of thing.
Because when I ask my hubby, all he says is that he is happy with me. So see, not very helpful.

Sorry if my question required too much thought from you.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

If it is just being stuck in a rut, try finding something cool for you two to go do together as a couple. Get a sitter, go out and try something new together!! 

Men usually appreciate freshly shaven legs and some nice lingerie!


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I would maybe do self improvement. What I mean by that is get a new hobby - painting, or crafts, or something. Show him new dimensions to the woman he married. I think as wives and mothers we have a tendency to BE a wife and BE a mother - and we forget to BE ourselves. We loose that in the shuffle of taking care of everyone else. Make yourself more interesting and he'll show interested.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

TNgirl232 said:


> I would maybe do self improvement. What I mean by that is get a new hobby - painting, or crafts, or something. Show him new dimensions to the woman he married. I think as wives and mothers we have a tendency to BE a wife and BE a mother - and we forget to BE ourselves. We loose that in the shuffle of taking care of everyone else. Make yourself more interesting and he'll show interested.


:iagree:


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Is it that you're looking for a change, a little spice for yourself too? If so (and that's totally understandable), then self-improv is the way to go. Just make sure that he's a part of it too.

Was there something that you used to do b4 kids? Can you start a new hobby together? Is there a goal that you can work towards together? A project around the house (sometimes that can be just the thing to bond you and the family), a vacation, something like that?

And hey, spicing things up in the bedroom can do wonders for both of you


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## sweetpee (Jan 5, 2010)

I can't really say what you can do because there are so many of us going thru the samething with our husbands.


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## Northern (Jan 13, 2010)

I agree that improving yourself with hobbies, interests, knowledge is a good method especially if they are common to both of you. You already sound like a "good" wife. In the sex dept. (from a guy)...if you were implement this plan...plan a few outings with the Girls...exciting ones! I suspect he'll show interest and boom, there will be sexual energy that was not there before. Build on it.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

lifestinks said:


> Like if a man could put together the perfect wife, what would she do or how would she act? That kind of thing.


I think the old adage is something to the effect that "A woman should be a chef in the kitchen, a lady in the living room, and a ***** in the bedroom." (I vaguely remember a version with "maid" in it somewhere.) So, if you're looking to improve as a wife, those would be the standard areas to aim at. Some sort of class and/or book might be in order. Get a gourmet cookbook, or memorize the complete works of Miss Manners, or type "sex" into the Amazon search box under "books". You might be able to take a gourmet cooking class at a local community college or something.

When my wife did that, we went together (the kids were old enough to be left alone), and now we cook together sometimes too. For Christmas dinner this year we made a rack of lamb that was, if the guests are to be believed, _fantastic_.


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## letitgo (Nov 3, 2009)

Seems like you need to mix things up a bit...life is boring when its the same thing day after day. I know when I am happy my DH is happy...are you happy? Another thing is in the bedroom..always a good place to spice it up and always seems to have the biggest impact. Try finding out anything new he'd like to try..get creative!


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

How about a little spontenaity? A quickie, when unexpected, can be very special. Change the routine up a bit. Send the kids to a friends and do something daring. Men really appreciate the little things. Physical contact, at least with me, is very invigorating!!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I think revisiting this question every now and then is a great thing to do! And it does sound as though you are a good wife already.

I agree with going on dates (my h and I have date night once a week) & I like to plan other outings...comedy club, night in the city, play tennis or run together, local wine tasting...dating while married keeps us connected in a fun way...so our conversations don't revolve around kids, bills and work.


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## lifestinks (Jan 6, 2010)

letitgo said:


> Seems like you need to mix things up a bit...life is boring when its the same thing day after day. I know when I am happy my DH is happy...are you happy? Another thing is in the bedroom..always a good place to spice it up and always seems to have the biggest impact. Try finding out anything new he'd like to try..get creative!


I can say that I am happy, but bored.
I just want to do things differently and I don't know how.

I don't want to stop doing the things I already do. But after those things are done, I am out of time.
I work from 8-2:30. I have to get the kids out to school, go to work, pick the kids up after school, come home fix dinner, clean up, do laundry, help with homework, go to basketball games, boy scouts, church, and a lot of stuff that I haven't listed. 
The kids do help around the house some, but I am the mother, it's my job. They all know how to wash their clothes, load the dishwasher and what not. But I don't think I should have the kids doing any major cleaning. I do not think hubby should lift a finger to help around the house. He works 12-14 hour days and I would not feel right for him to come in a do a load of laundry.
I was raised that the wife did all the inside housework and the hubby did any work needed outside. It seems that I can not rewire myself to do anything different. 
There are 6 kids, 1 hubby, 1 son-in-law, 1 grand baby, and 4 dogs. I also help take care of my mother. So......I have no time.

I would love to be able to take my hubby on a date, but we just don't have time for that. 
I have thought about not doing the housework for a day or 2 just to give me a little extra time, but I can't. Hubby says I am a little OCD because when something is out of place it bugs me. 
With all of these people in the house, if I stopped doing anything, the house would fall apart as well as everyone here.

It's truly crazy, but I love it. I like being the glue that holds us together. 
I would love to get back in the newlywed days with hubby. I just need to find a way to do it and still do all of the things I do.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Hello lifestinks...

You sound like a very nice lady and a good wife. Sounds like you just want to spice things up a little bit...

I recommend you read the book "the good girl guide to bad girl sex" It could help you out a little.

Some quick things...

Date night, dress a bit sexy...no panties, while out at dinner whisper to hubbby that you are panty less  with a wink.

Try some role playing in the bedroom...french maid, naughty school girl, PLumber and the SAHM....etc

I am sure if you discussed some ideas with your hubby he would enjoy it, open the door a bit, try some new "different slightly dangerous" things.

I been with my wife 20 years...we often role play, we often flirt and tease each other...to the point where the kids tell us to cut it out...lol

When your hubby walks by, pinch his butt, slap it, give a wink, a sexy kiss...etc...

Guys love to be flirted with and teased....and women do love to do it.

enjoy some of my posts...and you will see...I am out there, but I am alot of fun and my wife enjoys the ride.


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## Northern (Jan 13, 2010)

Happy but a wee bit borded and have no time. 6 kids! Congratulations. That is amazing to me that this is possible in todays world. Here's a suggestion. Dont get them to do "major" house work but get them each to do 1/2 hour more per week. That gets you 3 hours per week less house work! 

12-14 hours days at work is also sorta crazy. I do that periodically but not consistently. Maybe he can cut 3 hours per week too.

Lotsa good suggestions above about what to do with your "extra" (lol) time.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

lifestinks said:


> Hubby says I am a little OCD because when something is out of place it bugs me.
> With all of these people in the house, if I stopped doing anything, *the house would fall apart as well as everyone here*.
> 
> It's truly crazy, but I love it. I like being the glue that holds us together.
> I would love to get back in the newlywed days with hubby. I just need to find a way to do it and still do all of the things I do.


Then you must choose. Perhaps the time has come to test the boundaries of your comfort zone. You like to control your environment so much that, deep down you are maybe feeling that everything looks beautiful but perhaps the spontaneity is squeezed out of life. 

So why not try experimenting with letting things go just a little. I mean just a little. Do you really think everything would fall apart? I mean really?

OCD people try to minutely control their environment due to fear of what will happen if they don't. The latest thinking on OCD is that you should play with it - try skipping one act of tidying or cleaning - and see if the world ends or not.


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## Mittens (Jan 9, 2010)

:iagree: I think MT has some very valuable advice, and definitely a fresh perspective.
Not all "fresh" ideas have to be collossal and/or drastically change your every-day life.
What about making a list of 3 (reasonable) things to do that day that will make your life a little more fun.
Whether that be sending your husband a few dirty text messages, taking the time on a weekend (or whenever you have time) to have a "Mom-Day" with mani/pedi/hair etc, leaving a cutesy love note in hubby's pant/jacket pocket, picking up an adult board game, buying a new outfit that is "out of your norm", etc etc. 
You had mentioned you want to exercise this in all aspects of your life in 2010, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with starting with small, *attainable* steps.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i agree with MT, he just says it better than it do.

it appears you put all the pressure of having a happy home right onto your own shoulders. there is no reason he cant help more and relieve some of your burden, yes burden. incidentally, as you describe it, i would be estatic with a wife like you


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## JTL (Dec 14, 2009)

MAKE time for a date! Whatever it takes. Make sure YOU'RE happy. A happy wife amost always = happy husband. And, almost forgot, more BJ's are usually welcomed!


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## HEADENDTECH (Nov 8, 2009)

Hello, I can help ..Try to be attentive to his needs,Just the little things like when he comes home ask him how was his day....go over to him from time to time and give him a kiss and hug for now reason ,make him seem like he matters..slow dance with him in the living room even though there's no music on...Im married 16 years now and i wish i had those things..so please try..


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