# Finally ...,



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

After two years, I finally found a text string between SO and OM that pretty much proves PA in my book at least. 

I have posted on another site and gotten two varying responses:
1) says that she needs to come clean once and for all - it might still be possible to salvage this.

2) says that since she and I have made many strides over the past couple of years that me "digging" around in more an indication of my insecurities and that it is causing her to lose trust in me.

For me, the issue was that deep inside of me, its been gnawing, gnawing, gnawing. 

I sent SO the text and she frantically tried to call me over the lunch hour. I called her back, and she still insists no PA. I told her that it was ridiculous to maintain that nothing happened. 

I am very likely done with this relationship. I have given her two years to be honest about something that I have sensed in my gut. It sucks. Wondering where you all fall in this debate of 1 or 2.

Thanks for input.


----------



## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

You "digging" around is not an indication of insecurities. It indicates your gut telling you something wasn't right. Although I don't know if I'm the right guy to post since I am in the middle of my own crap right now with lies, etc., I guess I will put myself in the 1. camp.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What was the text that you found ?

Is it something you found recently ?


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Kids involved...I might give this a chance.

No kids...I'd walk.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Bodhitree said:


> After two years, I finally found a text string between SO and OM that pretty much proves PA in my book at least.
> 
> I have posted on another site and gotten two varying responses:
> 1) says that she needs to come clean once and for all - it might still be possible to salvage this.
> ...


In view of what you've said, anyone who thinks 2) is out of his/her mind.


----------



## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Bodhitree said:


> Wondering where you all fall in this debate of 1 or 2.
> 
> Thanks for input.


I will choose 3.

Find someone else who won't lie for years, and lie some more even faced with evidence.

Forward. Onward. Upward.


----------



## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> After two years, I finally found a text string between SO and OM that pretty much proves PA in my book at least.
> 
> I have posted on another site and gotten two varying responses:
> 1) says that she needs to come clean once and for all - it might still be possible to salvage this.
> ...


Did the texts indicate beyond doubt that the affair was a PA. 

If that's your only deal breaker, you need to ensure it is true, before you throw your marriage away. 

She may be telling the truth. She can't confess to something she did not do. 

It seems though that even an EA is a deal breaker for you. 

If so, that's okay, but be honest with yourself. 

It seems to me you don't really want to save this relationship, and that's okay. 

Has it ever occurred to you that if there was a PA that the reason she lied to you is that she knows it would be a deal breaker and she wants to save the marriage? 

Perhaps she is lying out of fear rather than trying to make a fool of you. 

It all boils down to one thing......do you want to save the marriage or end it? Your call now.


----------



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Okay the most damning are: 
He says: What's your lunch plans? I'm thinking the other way
around today, me down your pants!

She says: Maybe both  lol!

-And-

He says: : I so can't wait either! Kiss and caress that sexy body,
taste your sweet juices!

She replies: Me too! No worries-we CAN work around it!

A lot more, but these were biggest parts. This is from 2 years ago, someone she has maintained was a "friend" for 2 years. 

Thanks.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> Did the texts indicate beyond doubt that the affair was a PA.
> 
> If that's your only deal breaker, you need to ensure it is true, before you throw your marriage away.
> 
> ...


I'm not on the polygraph bandwagon, but in this case, in view of your evidence, if you want to save the relationship I think it's time to demand she take one after two years of denial. It's obvious that getting objective truth about her A (acknowledging the well-documented shortcomings of the poly) is your basic requirement for even possibly staying with her.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Bodhitree said:


> Okay the most damning are:
> He says: What's your lunch plans? I'm thinking the other way
> around today, me down your pants!
> 
> ...


By what twist of common sense does she still maintain no PA?


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Bodhitree said:


> Okay the most damning are:
> He says: What's your lunch plans? I'm thinking the other way
> around today, me down your pants!
> 
> ...


I think your gut is telling you right. She did have PA with OM. She does not want to come clean because fears it will cause the end of your relationship. My xWW never came clean even when the evidence was right in front of her. I have been divorced 6 years and she still Lies about it to this day. Some people you cant change. The fact she is not being honest with you should tell you everything you need to know. I feel for you but honestly you are probably not in the best relationship and the wondering is going to eat you alive. It sure did me. 

Clay


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP,

After being confronted with that, she still denies the PA?

That says to me that she will never be able to be honest with you.

If she can't be honest, how in the h**l can you have a healthy relationship with her?

The lack of honesty and truthfulness would be a dealbreaker in my book, even if getting over the PA was something you thought you could do.

And I'm not surprised about the advice from the other site. I have looked at several of them, and most of them are much more inclined to suggest rugsweeping.

That attitude is rarely allowed to go unchallenged on TAM.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Clay2013 said:


> I think your gut is telling you right. She did have PA with OM. She does not want to come clean because fears it will cause the end of your relationship. My xWW never came clean even when the evidence was right in front of her. I have been divorced 6 years and she still Lies about it to this day. Some people you cant change. The fact she is not being honest with you should tell you everything you need to know. I feel for you but honestly you are probably not in the best relationship and the wondering is going to eat you alive. It sure did me.
> 
> Clay


Just an aside: I think that cheaters who continue to lie despite overwhelming and incontrovertible evidence often do so simply because they cannot bear to face the truth about themselves.


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

dump her. Go dark man. Give her nothing


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Bodhitree said:


> Okay the most damning are:
> He says: What's your lunch plans? I'm thinking the other way
> around today, me down your pants!
> 
> ...


When did you find them ?

She is insulting your intelligence if she think she can lie about this...

I think it is much worse that she would keep lying about it continuously for 2 years inspite of your repeated request to come clean... Nothing changes, nothing changes


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Philat said:


> Just an aside: I think that cheaters who continue to lie despite overwhelming and incontrovertible evidence often do so simply because they cannot bear to face the truth about themselves.


:iagree: It's called the rationalization hamster.

They have to justify in their head (wrongly) why they are cheating.

Urban Dictionary: rationalization hamster


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

So has she gone NC with the POSOM for the last 2 years?

File for divorce, she does not respect you and has not given you the full truth.


----------



## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

Clearly she is lying. She said he was only a friend. That is not how you speak to a friend. She is lying. She has lied for two years.

What are you going to do? Have you thought about asking her to take a poly to prove her honesty? I know you are not married, no one would fault you if you decided you have had enough.


----------



## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> Okay the most damning are:
> He says: What's your lunch plans? I'm thinking the other way
> around today, me down your pants!
> 
> ...


I agree with PHilat, ask her to do a poly. If she says yes, she is likely telling the truth. 

The emails look bad, but they still might be only flirtatious talk. 

There are EAs that never escalate past flirtatious sexual innuendo.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

When did you run into these texts and why did it take so long?

Almost a smoking gun.


----------



## NornIron7 (Jul 5, 2012)

Sh1t Bod. Feeling your pain man.

First time on here in over a year and saw your thread.

I have to say this. You need to decide what it is you want and then do what is best for you.

I think you always knew this day would come and at the end of the day it boils down to being true to yourself.

For me if I ever saw anything like that my wife and I would be done. No more discussion.


----------



## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> I agree with PHilat, ask her to do a poly. If she says yes, she is likely telling the truth.
> 
> The emails look bad, but they still might be only flirtatious talk.
> 
> There are EAs that never escalate past flirtatious sexual innuendo.


But they're talking about something that already happened? And he was already suspecting something for a long time, he has no reason to believe her.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Did she deny the sexting too all these days ?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> When did you run into these texts and why did it take so long?
> 
> Almost a smoking gun.


I think it is a smoking gun. Notice his language. he wants it the "other way today" Which means it already happened atleast once before when she went down on him.


----------



## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

I went through your threads.

More than half of your threads are named "question.." "still bothering.." "ladies input please"

What has she done to you in those 2 years?

Lies.

She first played the "friends" card. Later the story changed to "ok it was inappropriate, but nothing happened." 

To "I stayed at his place for a night". Then to "he tried to kiss me but i rejected." To "I did it to make you jealous."

Lies, lies.

And now you found the texts. And she's still trying to lie her way around.

Just go to your profile and look at your own threads.

Is this really the life you want to live?


----------



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> When did you run into these texts and why did it take so long?
> 
> Almost a smoking gun.


Dude- there is no "manual" for how to handle affairs. I was shocked big time, traumatized even. We went to counseling and I wanted to believe what counselor said. 

For two years I've worked on myself to get stronger. I had a lot of bad stuff happen beyond this, so been really tough. I finally came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to be afraid anymore. I got inner strength, and have been working on it for a number of months, trying to get her phone, computer etc., finally with success. That is what took so long.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> After two years, I finally found a text string between SO and OM that pretty much proves PA in my book at least.
> 
> I have posted on another site and gotten two varying responses:
> 1) says that she needs to come clean once and for all - it might still be possible to salvage this.
> ...


Why are 1 and 2 mutually exclusive. She needs to come clean. You've always had this gut feeling (number 1) which leads to you not being fully secure etc. (number 2).

I've always found the mentality that one partner's insecurity/security isn't some how linked to the other partner's behavior LOL.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I have read through a number of your threads and here is what I think:


Your SO of 20+ years had an affair 2 years ago because she thought you were not paying her enough attention. This is a bullsh!t reason for doing it and has this been resolved ? Properly ? Has she taken full responsibility for the affair and demonstrated true remorse ? If not then you already have serious problems.
In addition to this she has never come clean about the truth against all odds that she physically cheated and now in the face of very incriminating evidence. Therefore you do not have all the facts and can never really get proper closure.
There is no assurance that this won't happen again since the first two points have not been dealt with.
From some of your other posts she has regressed in her behaviour at times.
She does not appear to understand that without her coming clean, even though you already know, there can be no going forward. If she really understood this, she would offer to take a polygraph test without you asking.
Finally OM is still lurking out there, unhindered.

I would actually show her this particular post written out as if you had written it and ask her if she understands it. Then see if she offers to take a polygraph test as a first step. Alternatively just ask her to take the test and make sure you go through with it (as from what I understand, cheaters hope you will not right until the very last minute). Good luck!


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I'm with the group that advocates the truth. Especially if it is important to you. 

Why should you base the remainder of your relationship on lies? 

Would it matter to you if she said that they had multiple meetings and engaged in sexual activity for the whole of their relationship but now she is remorseful and wants only you? IOW, would you be able to forgive her PA? How about forgiving her lies to this point?


Do y'all have kids? Are your finances okay?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Bodhitree said:


> Dude- there is no "manual" for how to handle affairs. I was shocked big time, traumatized even. We went to counseling and I wanted to believe what counselor said.
> 
> For two years I've worked on myself to get stronger. I had a lot of bad stuff happen beyond this, so been really tough. I finally came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to be afraid anymore. I got inner strength, and have been working on it for a number of months, trying to get her phone, computer etc., finally with success. That is what took so long.


I think you are misinterpreting the tone of his questions...I think he is asking you if there were reasons(logistical or technological) that delayed the process...


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

For her to deny a PA after what these texts say indicates that your wife thinks you are an absolute moron. It is such an insult to your intelligence.

If the roles were reversed she would not believe it was not a PA for a second. She clearly does not want to suffer any consequences from her sexual affair and may also be protecting the OM as well.

I think your path is clear since she has been playing you for a fool for years. Good luck.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I have forgiven an EA. Proven PA would have been the ultimate deal breaker for me no matter how much begging or remorse was involved. 

Her continued trickle truth over the last 2 years just makes it worse.


----------



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Did she deny the sexting too all these days ?


She said all along this guy was a "perv" that flirted with "all" the girls in the office. But always said "he was just a friend", would joke around etc. Said there was some flirting, but no never said sexting.


----------



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

verpin zal said:


> I went through your threads.
> 
> More than half of your threads are named "question.." "still bothering.." "ladies input please"
> 
> ...


Verpin- thank you for doing all that research- it is very, very eye opening. God Bless. My decision is made


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

There is no way this is not a PA. It talks about actual previous events vs random fantasy talk("I will do x and y to you" vs "this time it is the other way around")... And she is reciprocated in kind..How can she deny that ?

You will get your confession.

Sorry about this BT


----------



## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

Bodhitree said:


> She said all along this guy was a "perv" that flirted with "all" the girls in the office. But always said "he was just a friend", would joke around etc. Said there was some flirting, but no never said sexting.


I would say that is way beyond flirting. Ask her to take a poly!


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

I was about to say that you didn't actually have a smoking gun, but after reading verpin's stuff -

* "To "I stayed at his place for a night". Then to "he tried to kiss me but i rejected." To "I did it to make you jealous."*

Nah, F**K this. GAME OVER.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Bod, sorry. I been with you for a while. I was in false R for over a year and my wife came clean in late April 2013.

I want to say this. You know when things don't make sense. You know the lies. I have been where you are. I kept snooping, looking, digging in the cmputer, her phone, in the house, because the time line did not make sense, her where abouts did not make sense, the texting etc., did not make sense. 

And like you my wife had many opportunities to come clean. Like for almost two years, I kept asking her about two dates and times, and I got, I don't remember, or no that is not correct, and I had the hard proof, and she would look at it and say dumb things. I could go on and on.

Bod, D her. When I started the process and my wife knew I was serious and I was done with the M. That is when she broke and she told me more then I knew. Then the XOM broke after I threatened him and others, and he wanted his wife back so bad, he told me everything

So can it be salvaged? Yes - but don't go there, file for D and move on.

She is holding back for all the wrong reasons.


----------



## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

I'm very glad about your decision, whatever it may be. Decisiveness beats living a lie on any day.

And note that she will spill ALL the beans in a few seconds when she hears about D. With tears.

Think of those tears not as crocodile's but as Alien blood, more powerful than any acid. Don't try to comfort her, or you'll get burned. Be prepared for the worst.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Most people do not talk about the PA unless they are caught. If she throws this up as a trust issue throw it right back at her. Trust issue you have been lying to me.

This is like laying open the wound again. Take your time to make your choices


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Well she certainly is an experienced liar.

Expect tears to flow from her eyes and BS from her lips.

There is no way she wasn't getting it on with him and lying her ass off to you about it.

Your proof shows 2 Years of fake R and non-stop lies. Stick a fork in it. 

I haven't researched all your other posts.

Is POSOM married? If yes, out his sorry self far and wide. Post to cheaterville even if he is single. 

Get yourself checked for STDs in case your SO gave you an unwanted present from her "friend" . Have you wondered how many other friends she has or had?


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Bodhitree, I'm really sad for you to read this latest news.
But guess what! I'm more *happy* for you than sad. . .
:yay: End of the limbo!
I posted a few times because I went through the same. Our gut instinct knows and never quits nagging. I felt your WS had a PA, 3 or 4 red flags at the time. I take my hat off to you for sticking to your guns. Like the rest of us you are no fool. :smthumbup:

I said you had made an uninformed decision when you stayed because you hadn't got the truth. I also said: 


********** said:


> Bodhtree:
> Q. If someone asks their spouse a question should they be told the truth?
> A: YES. ALWAYS.
> Q: Can a relationship have integrity if there are lies?
> A: NO.


The worst for me was the humiliation. I was dismissed and fobbed off with lies though I was visibly in pain. Often, he looked at me straight in the eye while I literally cried saying the details added up to a PA and he would say "Nothing happened". He often even said it aggressively. Sheesh! It takes a very hard heart to do that. Perhaps unconsciously, WS see us as inferior, as someone who can be fooled and manipulated. 

Lying on top of the original lie is the worst of all.

It has also tainted all of our time together. I was in a fool's paradise with a man who didn't exist. He wouldn't have told me the truth in 1000 years. He wasted 5 years of my life. Well done Bodhitree for finding those texts.

My advice would be for you to leave. I don't say that lightly. You have been caused 2 years of emotional pain and you will be very angry. It will take you a very, very long time to trust her again if you ever do. Staying will be no piece of cake. 

Leaving? That won't be easy either. It will be lonely and will be a big adjustment but the air will be clear around you. No limbo. No wondering whether you will be able to trust her again because it won't matter any more. 
And that's a good thing now isn't it.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> I agree with PHilat, ask her to do a poly. If she says yes, she is likely telling the truth.
> 
> The emails look bad, but they still might be only flirtatious talk.
> 
> There are EAs that never escalate past flirtatious sexual innuendo.


:lol:


----------



## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

And I certainly hope the man is past the point where he spends even the slightest of moments to think about a poly.

If 2 (two) years of lying is not a dealbreaker, I don't know what is.

Move on, buddy. Find someone worthy of your trust. And love.

And oh, about your "eyes opened" post.. I'm an atheist but thanks, I know how heartfelt "God bless" is. Again, glad that you have your decision in place.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Poly is a waste of time.

So is marriage counseling.

Best step forward is to protect yourself financially and then file for divorce.

Whatever happens after the filing, just let it flow.


----------



## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Glad to see you finally have some proof to settle your mind. That sometimes is the key to moving ahead. But if you are unsure, you could always tell her that yes she might be right - and you are not sure so you will have to send the text messages to everyone you know just to double check what the meaning is!


----------



## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

That's harsh. Go ahead and hear what she has to say. It will strengthen your resolve one way or another. She was prepared to take this secret to the grave and that's not necessarily a reflection upon you. She decided this was the way to save the relationship. Its hard to forgive something when you dont know what you are forgiving. 

This horrible situation aside how is your relationship? Im sure your viewpoint is clouded by your emotions about this. However if this wasn't something you were dealing with could you be happy?

You may want to consider dropping it. No relationship is perfect and you may find you loved her more than you realized. Looking back you might wish you had been able to forgive her after all. 

Im only advocating that you look at this thing from all angles before you make a permanent decison.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

I have learned if you don't have trust you have nothing.


----------



## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

JadedHusband said:


> That's harsh. Go ahead and hear what she has to say. It will strengthen your resolve one way or another. She was prepared to take this secret to the grave and that's not necessarily a reflection upon you. She decided this was the way to save the relationship. Its hard to forgive something when you dont know what you are forgiving.
> 
> This horrible situation aside how is your relationship? Im sure your viewpoint is clouded by your emotions about this. However if this wasn't something you were dealing with could you be happy?
> 
> ...


He tried that approach too, but the wife ignored all attempts to make her come clean and give the man "something to think about and possibly forgive" back when it could have made a difference. Have you seen my post where the woman's lies are compiled into two lines? That goes beyond "she had something she wanted to take to grave". That goes into the territory of "I fvcked up big time, I need to minimize as much as possible NOW, otherwise I'll lose all security of the marriage and the meal ticket."

I'm given to understand that the OP's looking angle shows him the game is over. Which, I'm glad. The man needs to breathe.


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Bodhitree said:


> Okay the most damning are:
> He says: What's your lunch plans? I'm thinking the other way
> around today, me down your pants!
> 
> ...


Hi Bodhitree

No arguments there, this was a PA, your guts were right all the time.

but if you still doubt it, is pretty easy take her to the polygraph, she will do the impossible to avoid it, which will be funny as really innocent people push for it. 

with a polygraph appointment she will probably crack and this will give you the answer you need, and if she refuse to go to the appointment, well that is your answer.


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Bodhitree, also be aware that if she refuses the polygraph even with the evindence you have, she will probably never accept the affair, here is other user that found similar evidence as you (text), then also as you he uncovered the true little by little.

his user name is Lifescript.

- first she just accepted flirting.
- then she accepted meeting him for few dates.
- then she accepeted they kissed many times
- the she accepeted they fooled around in his appartment.
- the she accepeted the were naked but nothing happened.

see, in the end and even with the divorce in process, she wants he to think that they fooled around naked but no sex happened in the end.

this could be very well your case, so you already have your answer, you don't need to torture yourself anymore


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

JadedHusband said:


> That's harsh. Go ahead and hear what she has to say. It will strengthen your resolve one way or another. She was prepared to take this secret to the grave and that's not necessarily a reflection upon you. She decided this was the way to save the relationship. Its hard to forgive something when you dont know what you are forgiving.
> 
> This horrible situation aside how is your relationship? Im sure your viewpoint is clouded by your emotions about this. However if this wasn't something you were dealing with could you be happy?
> 
> ...


She's been AT LEAST trading off oral sex with the OM on a regular enough basis to send joking texts back and fourth about it... I hope she brushed her teeth before she kissed her husband.

"No relationship is perfect"... WOW. I'm guessing that you're a reeeel forgiving type of guy.:slap:

"Honey! What are you doing on top of the mail man! No wine for you after dinner tonight."


----------



## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> She's been AT LEAST trading off oral sex with the OM on a regular enough basis to send joking texts back and fourth about it... I hope she brushed her teeth before she kissed her husband.
> 
> "No relationship is perfect"... WOW. I'm guessing that you're a reeeel forgiving type of guy.:slap:
> 
> "Honey! What are you doing on top of the mail man! No wine for you after dinner tonight."


I dont know if I would forgive that. I dont think someone encouraging another person to take a slow and deliberate response is worth of ridicule. His actions wont get the revenge you crave and he will have to live with the results. He needs to make his own decison and he deserves to hear at least one person uge caution instead of cheerleading him to dump her. 

I think its probably doomed but im sure there is info that we arent being provided, there always is, so acting like we know for sure what is best is arrogant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lookingforsupport (May 13, 2013)

Yes - that's certainly true. facing the rotten person that you are/became is extremely difficult.


----------



## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Bodhi you should move on and she clearly should start a career in politics. She is ahead of the curve.


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

JadedHusband said:


> That's harsh. Go ahead and hear what she has to say. It will strengthen your resolve one way or another. She was prepared to take this secret to the grave and that's not necessarily a reflection upon you. She decided this was the way to save the relationship. Its hard to forgive something when you dont know what you are forgiving.
> 
> This horrible situation aside how is your relationship? Im sure your viewpoint is clouded by your emotions about this. However if this wasn't something you were dealing with could you be happy?
> 
> ...


Do not even think of forgetting it. Terrible advice IMO. THis is not an angle to think about taking, it is more like hiding under a rock. Rugsweeping does nothing productive. Unless you enjoy being a weak soul, defeated, a cuckold.
People rationalize doing this all the time as a way to move on, but please do not think this is a smart and confident decision being made, it is allowing fear and weakness to dictate your actions and in most situations it proves your WS is right about you. It is sad that people are so codependent and insecure they would do this. It does not work.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

You are silent Bodhi. I hope you are OK because while you suspected this for 2 years, it's very hard to hear it. 
My earlier post was very reactionary because I am caught up in the same scenario. But no 2 scenarios are the same. 
It doesn't matter whether she did or didn't do what she promised in her texts, in other words if it was physical or not. 
What matters is whether you can live with the fact that 2 years ago she said that to another man even if she didn't act upon it. 
Only you can decide that.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She had alreay admitted to enough to sink a battleship. Since you stuck around this long, well, it just seems like you knew all along.

She admitted to spending the night with him.................


----------



## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

Some people will NEVER admit.. B/c as Philat said, they can't face that.. 

My STBX is one of them.. He STILL swears up and down to others that he didn't cheat on me.. Me, he refuses to even talk about it, after he admitted that he MOVED IN WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND the DAY after we filed for divorce.. yes, the day after.. And he said he WAITED.. And that was SIX WEEKS after I found out for sure about the 2 others.. 

He was telling his buddy all about his "girlfriend" in Costa Rica on a work trip (and yes, he told him that they went on dates and had a "real" boyfriend/girlfriend relationship) and that "buddy" went and told everyone at his dad's company.. But *I'm* the one spreading lies about him.. 

I have a confession from MY FRIEND that he fooled around with, but *SHE'S* lying.. And now he's shacked up with some hillbilly barfly that took him home from the bar.. 

She can't admit it, for the same reason my ex can't admit it.. B/c they'd have to admit that they were at fault, they did something bad.. They aren't the "victim"

I haven't read your other posts, but a couple of things stuck out with me.. How *you* were neglecting her. *You* were working on your issues that got you to this place.. *You* are insecure and driving her away? So, *you* are 100% responsible for the health and success of the relationship? B/c I know I was.. And it's impossible.. One person can not make an entire relationship work.. 

She is gas-lighting you.. It IS a form of abuse, b/c it's designed to make you doubt yourself, your sanity and your intelligence. It's designed to make you unsure of yourself and reliant on them for all your information.. It's wrong..


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> Dude- there is no "manual" for how to handle affairs. I was shocked big time, traumatized even. We went to counseling and I wanted to believe what counselor said.
> 
> For two years I've worked on myself to get stronger. I had a lot of bad stuff happen beyond this, so been really tough. I finally came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to be afraid anymore. I got inner strength, and have been working on it for a number of months, trying to get her phone, computer etc., finally with success. That is what took so long.


Please dont take my previous comment as a critique. I simply did not understand the delay. Now I do. Sorry for ANY offense. I know this blows hardcore.

You are right there is no fvcking manual on this stuff. It should be in every pre wedding class taught by every priest/pastor. The problem is they would often make it a stay together no matter what class.

>I think it is a smoking gun. Notice his language. he wants it the "other way today" Which means it already happened atleast once before when she went down on him. <

LOL semantics. I say 94% probability (1 in 16 no) you say 100%. We basically agree just a bit of disagreement on percents.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP any update this morning
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

First off- THANK YOU TO THIS BOARD- ALL OF YOU ARE AWESOME!!! 

I had been to this thread 1 1/2 years ago, and I have to admit there seemed to me to be a lot of angry, nutty, out of control people. Not anymore!!

I need to clarify one thing though- she never spent the night with anyone two years ago - she was GOING to spend the night, but I threw a fit and she came back home.

Now , guess what- CONFESSION!! Talked last night, and she admitted that not only had she been very vulgar with OM#1 (guy I found texts on), but also OM # 2. Said she felt very ashamed etc., dirty etc. and told me some specifics. Said OM # 1 was a "creep". This is a far cry from the "friend" she maintained he was for more than a year. Then talked about OM #2 and how they texted lots of sexual stuff back and forth.

All well and good, but this morning, I told her I wanted to see her calendar from 2011. I knew what was in it because I had snooped 6 months ago while she was on vacation. So I point out that OM #1 name is in there three times- why? Some lame ass answer. I blow up (on purpose)- telling her she must think I am a complete moron and idiot, and that our relationship is DONE. Then she sarcastically says "okay- I sucked OM # 1 **** on those three days." I say- stop the bull****.

I walk away- saying "your not getting off that easy". She follows and says (drumroll please......) "okay, when I ate lunch with OM #1 at park he was masturbating, and I sucked on him- but only for a few seconds (LOL)".

There was more, but a lot of feeling how much shame etc. she has been carrying and that she didn't think it would help to tell me (LOL). Anyway, I threatened to walk, and the confession came. Thanks for all the support.

Now, you may be asking what are you going to do Bod? Well, I want to let my mind settle. Truthfully, I'm not even that mad, emotional etc. I already knew stuff had happened. I'm kind of disgusted with her, and sad and the same time. Meeting with close friend for lunch today, have appointment with attorney tomorrow at 10:30 - at least to know options.

I think she would leave now without any fight etc. because of what she did. Every time in past, I've tried to reconcile her lies etc. Thinking this time maybe I'll let her go. But, going to chill for a couple of days first. God Bless all of you.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What did she confess to ?


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

I feel sad that your relationship might be over due to this revelation. I agree that you needed the truth. But now that she has confessed to the PA isn't there any way to start building a stronger relationship? You said you pretty much knew that she had a PA. Does this confession change much in that regard? Maybe now that she has unburdened her heart and mind she can start to become a better individual and a better partner to you. Think carefully about what you will do next. The ball is in your court and you have all the time you need to decide.


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

bfree 

I think that you as everyone else know that she just revealed the tip of the iceberg, there is no way way it was just one time and just oral sex, she is "0" remorseful and the only reason she confessed is because he gathered so much evidence after 2 years, (obviously if it went physical with OM1 it was also Physical with OM2).

I don't even want to imagine all Trickle Truth he will keep fighting if he decides he wants to reconcile, but in the end is his choice to do.

but the simple fact that always have been stated that for a sucessfully reconcilation you need and honestly remorseful WS and not a guilty one for being catch is a bad sign for any kind of reconcilation.


----------



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> What did she confess to ?


BJ in the park over lunch with OM # 1. Said she only touched it for about 4 seconds and he masturbated the rest LOL!!!! Anyway, I'm sure not any detail, but at this point doesn't matter to me if it was once or ten times during that period of time.


----------



## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

bfree said:


> I feel sad that your relationship might be over due to this revelation. I agree that you needed the truth. But now that she has confessed to the PA isn't there any way to start building a stronger relationship? You said you pretty much knew that she had a PA. Does this confession change much in that regard? Maybe now that she has unburdened her heart and mind she can start to become a better individual and a better partner to you. Think carefully about what you will do next. The ball is in your court and you have all the time you need to decide.


I agree with this. 

Your wife, as I prior mentioned, was likely afraid to tell you of the PA because it was obvious to me, and likely to her that it appeared to be a deal breaker for you. 

If you love her, and wanted to work this out prior, and kinda' knew she likely had a PA, what has changed?

She seems regretful. Don't punish her now for being honest. 

If she has changed, and nothing has happened since DDay, really what exactly has changed? Nothing.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

JadedHusband said:


> I dont know if I would forgive that. I dont think someone encouraging another person to take a slow and deliberate response is worth of ridicule. His actions wont get the revenge you crave and he will have to live with the results. He needs to make his own decison and he deserves to hear at least one person uge caution instead of cheerleading him to dump her.
> 
> I think its probably doomed but im sure there is info that we arent being provided, there always is, so acting like we know for sure what is best is arrogant.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Read post# 62.

I suppose you'd buy that her confession(up to that point) was all that has ever happened and forgiven her right there on the spot for it.

If he files for divorce, it doesn't mean that he has to follow through with it, although once she starts filling in more blanks, or is told to take a poly - I doubt he'd stay.

Even you must has surely realized that his wife has had sex with the OM. That number is up to two OM's now and I wouldn't be a bit surprised that there's at lest one more on that list.


----------



## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

manticore said:


> but the simple fact that always have been stated that for a sucessfully reconcilation you need and honestly remorseful WS and not a guilty one for being catch is a bad sign for any kind of reconcilation.


That is only true of an enlightened wayward who is either well educated or had a good infidelity counselor or IC counselor. 

It took me 15 tries to find a good infidelity counselor and I am a neuro-psychiatrist and know a lot of psychologists and psychiatrists who handle talk therapy and counseling. 

I am not a talk therapist, I work with the function of the brain.

Still there are a lot of inexperienced marriage counselors who give very damaging advice to their clients. 

Some even advise, keeping an affair secret if the loyal spouse does not yet know. 

Yes. Very damaging, but some people see the counselor as a be all and know all authority figure.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> I agree with this.
> 
> Your wife, as I prior mentioned, was likely afraid to tell you of the PA because it was obvious to me, and likely to her that it appeared to be a deal breaker for you.
> 
> ...


Remorseful, I think the question is what is the primary deal breaker: certainty of PA or prolonged dishonesty about it. Only OP can answer this. 

I also think your position that some WS withhold truth out of a true desire to save a loving relationship (or one that can become loving again) is interesting and deserves discussion. Maybe I'll start a thread on this so as not to jack this one.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

remorseful strayer said:


> She seems regretful. Don't punish her now for being honest.
> 
> If she has changed, and nothing has happened since DDay, really what exactly has changed? Nothing.


Two potential problems:

1. She is likely still not being honest. Her story about the oral sex makes no sense. 

2. The change over the last two years is now viewed through a lens of her lying. Certainly real questions regarding whether it is real or just a continuation of the lies.

I think the best thing for the OP is to take it slow. Take a break from her, let your emotions settle and then see what you want to do. Is her change real? Do you trust it? If not, can she fix that? What do you want and why?

Take your time and figure these things out on your schedule. At this point, you can't worry about her.


----------



## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Philat said:


> Remorseful, I think the question is what is the primary deal breaker: certainty of PA or prolonged dishonesty about it. Only OP can answer this.
> 
> .


Yes. I agree with you, without a doubt. 

If a PA is his deal breaker, he needs to admit that to himself.


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Two potential problems:
> 
> 1. She is likely still not being honest. Her story about the oral sex makes no sense.
> 
> ...


I agree with this and one more step.
Dump her. Move on. She will do it again. The ONLY ones that do not do it again are the extremely remorseful and truthful ones. She is not that type. Even then I say dump them usually, but in your case I see no point in even trying IMO.
You have wasted enough of your time on this. What are you really saving, and with whom. She is not the person you thought you had (at least the person you thought you had years ago) and now you learn she is a BJ queen at minimum and most likely she is a whatever gets her male attention type and these are the worst types. There is no point. You will have to hope that counseling and months and years of therapy will give her the answers to whatever she is missing from her brain, and you get to sit back and hope and hope, never will you have 100% trust. And more than likely it was more than @ guys and a whole lot more than the couple minutes of licking it bullsheet she fed you.

I think you can do better than that.

I write this not as a way to tell you what to do but rather tell you there is a side of the coin that does not involve staying on the ride, you are debating staying on. 
I do wish you the best of luck, and clarity of mind going forward.


----------



## NornIron7 (Jul 5, 2012)

FWIW I think you are right to take your time now and think things through.

You need to be sure what it is you want. We NG's are such bad enders, perhaps you have been searching for "something" so that it would be all her fault and that would allow you to end it. I know I felt that way for a long time. Searching and searching, but actually I'm pretty sure there is nothing to find.

Better by far to be true to yourself and end it if that is the best thing for you yourself.

I see from your thread there are two OM's and some sort of sexual activity with each. For me that is serial adultery and would be good bye time.

You may be different but I wish you good luck.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

noguts,

Its good you offered another opinion. Bod needs to consider all his options and make the decision that is best for him.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

remorseful strayer said:


> .
> 
> If she has changed, and nothing has happened since DDay, really what exactly has changed? Nothing.



And that's the problem.

Nothing has changed, she only confessed because she was cornered.

She would have taken this to the grave.

This is not the whole truth because it never is when you're dealing with a lack of remorse in the wayward.

-no remorse
-no respect
-no truth
-nothing to base a foundation of trust on.

Unless all of this and more changes very quickly I don't see any point to R unless OP is into self inflicted pain.


----------



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

One more update. Talked to SO tonight. After me venting some of my relationship grievances (probably not best idea) under control not yelling I might add, I finally said, "I think we should separate." - It just sort of came out.

So she starts crying - and I begin another rant- everything that hurt me over past couple of years. Again, very under control etc., but pointing out how for 2 years I agonized about truth while she knew it the whole time. She says "you are a really good man", I say "I'm sick of hearing that- you (she) says your a good man, you have integrity, you were a great father to our daughter, you are honest. But yet _I_ am the one who gets betrayed, lied to , treated like crap, told I wasn't good enough and so forth- how does that work?"

And she keeps saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" etc. "I made mistakes" I say, "it wasn't a mistake- you consciously, willingly did it, lied about it, and then told me how great a "friend" OM was for 1 1/2 years. You knew what you were doing and were enjoying it." She says "I wasn't in my right mind at the time".

After about twenty minutes of that - she left. Don't know where, but she left all sobbing etc. And as of right now, an hour later I feel good. Going to see lawyer tomorrow, also called lawyer where I have my will set and made appointment to switch it from SO to my daughter. So , things are moving.

I don't know if this is the end or not, but at the advice of many of you, she needed to see I was serious. Usually I do the "we can work it out " thing. She was expecting that tonight as well, but didn't happen.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

She is still giving you trickle truth.

Did you tell her that the trickle truth and the lies and the cheating-does she ever tell the truth?

How would she feel if you cheated? She did more than she told you. Did they use a condom? Has she been tested for stds?

Did she get pregnant and abort the baby?

Has she now given you a timeline of all her affairs?


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

harrybrown said:


> She is still giving you trickle truth.
> 
> Did you tell her that the trickle truth and the lies and the cheating-does she ever tell the truth?
> 
> ...


Yep, trickle trickle trickle.


----------



## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

When did a daughter come in to the picture?


----------



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

verpin zal said:


> When did a daughter come in to the picture?


She is grown and out of the house, SO was saying how great a Dad I was in raising her. I'm saying she says all those things that "I am great" but yet I get the affair, the lies etc. while POS gets blowjobs at the park.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Bodhitree said:


> She is grown and out of the house, SO was saying how great a Dad I was in raising her. * I'm saying she says all those things that "I am great" but yet I get the affair, the lies etc. while POS gets blowjobs at the park.*


Hold that thought.


----------



## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Oh, got it.

And she'll be back with a dam full of tears. I presume you already know that.


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Bodhitree said:


> I don't know if this is the end or not, but at the advice of many of you, she needed to see I was serious. Usually I do the "we can work it out " thing. She was expecting that tonight as well, but didn't happen.


Bod, if you ever consider reconcilation, please be aware that the BJ is probably the tip of the Ice berg, and she just revealed the less damaging of all that happened, if you ever consider a giving her a second chance I think the polygraph is a must in your case.


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> That is only true of an enlightened wayward who is either well educated or had a good infidelity counselor or IC counselor.
> 
> It took me 15 tries to find a good infidelity counselor and I am a neuro-psychiatrist and know a lot of psychologists and psychiatrists who handle talk therapy and counseling.
> 
> ...


sorry but i don't see your point here, I mean for me people to refuse to come clean until you have irrefutable evidence, people who have many APs, people who never give the mental peace to her loyal spouse, and don't help then to heal properly are not worth the time, sincerely I don't understand your thinking.

for my you are defending man-*****s and unloyal wifes who easily will betray the BS again, is like you are protecting the biggest player taht have been part of TAM.

use: "Findingmyway" 
target: married women

quotes:
_
"For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife."

"I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me."

"The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either."_


he also stated he never confessed one affair to his wife, not even when OW's spouses contacted his wife.

for me you are defending this kind of people


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Bodhitree said:


> One more update. Talked to SO tonight. After me venting some of my relationship grievances (probably not best idea) under control not yelling I might add, I finally said, "I think we should separate." - It just sort of came out.
> 
> So she starts crying - and I begin another rant- everything that hurt me over past couple of years. Again, very under control etc., but pointing out how for 2 years I agonized about truth while she knew it the whole time. She says "you are a really good man", I say "I'm sick of hearing that- you (she) says your a good man, you have integrity, you were a great father to our daughter, you are honest. But yet _I_ am the one who gets betrayed, lied to , treated like crap, told I wasn't good enough and so forth- how does that work?"
> 
> ...


If she brings up "working it out", you bring up POLYGRAPH.

You're not even close to getting the whole truth from her. One of the things I've seen happen too much on here is a BS decides to give R a try before they get the whole(or enough of) the truth.

They're a year into R and someone spills the beans that there were 2 more OM's, or she had a threesome, or he was screwing hookers and so on.

If she starts pushing for you to R, tell her that you need to know 100% of the truth. She'll may tell you more. If she doesn't you tell her, "O.K., I'll schedule a poly test. If you pass, I'll *consider* an R.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Now you know 100% it was a PA which was your question all along. A BJ is a PA! It is for me anyway. I have to laugh when they say 'only a little bit'. It is either a PA or not. Also, you are almost certainly being trickle truthed. 

She went on a holiday in 2011 which is when you said you snooped her calendar. Who did she go with? I would go back through your relationship to see if there may be even more than 2 x OM. 

She wasn't 'out of her mind'. She was quite sane and had to be to be able to sneak behind your back. 

She will come back in tears, often WS's tears are because they don't want to give up the comfortable life they have, with a partner they can trust I might add! BS never find it easy to leave and be on their own. Neither do WS. I feel she will put up a big fight to stay. Be prepared. 

WS watched your emotional pain and let you suffer for 2 years but SHE decided it wouldn't be a good thing to tell you. You are a grown man, you know your own mind and you told her what you needed, just as I did. MY WS did the same. They keep lying for THEM but try to tell us they did it for us. Grrrrrr! They are insufferably arrogant. 

Now you now have real mind movies to deal with. They are not pleasant and it takes a long time to forget them, if ever. 

More than one OM puts her in the serial cheater category. I'd be doing more digging into your past. You need to be 100% informed if you do R as I said in my very first post. 

Everyone on TAM says R is difficult and long. If you do it, go into it with your eyes wide open. 

ETA. It's very important that you find out where she went when she left after the confession and verify it if possible.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Bodhitree,

Sorry you are still in difficulties. She is lying. And continuing her A.

Did you find your exit to the BodhiTree?


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

********** said:


> Now you know 100% it was a PA which was your question all along. Surely what went on in the park makes it a PA! I have to laugh when they say 'only a little bit'. Also, you are almost certainly being trickle truthed.
> 
> She went on a holiday in 2011 which is when you said you snooped her calendar. Who did she go with? I would go back through your relationship to see if there may be even more than 2 OM.
> 
> ...


If you even want to r POLYGRAPH. If you don't well save the $500 plus then


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Why bother with a polygraph? The texts clearly say that have done it and were doing it again.


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

********** said:


> A BJ is a PA! It is for me anyway. I have to laugh when they say 'only a little bit'.


I have to laugh as well, b/c I don't see different levels of PA. What she did was a PA...period. Doesn't matter if it was 4 seconds of BJ, or if they went at it for months. I wouldn't bother with a polygraph, and I wouldn't want to hear any more details from her lying mouth. 

Bottom line - you know she had a PA. Now you get to decide whether to R, or not. Only you can make that call. She was afraid to lose you if she told the truth. She trickled some out when cornered, and you threatened to leave. Expect only more lies at this point, b/c she's still hoping that things can return to "normal."


----------



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

verpin zal said:


> Oh, got it.
> 
> And she'll be back with a dam full of tears. I presume you already know that.


*WINNER*- comes back and says "what can I do to save this". I say, I don't think it can be saved but telling the truth would might help. 

*NEW CONFESSION* - 2 bj's with OM # 1 - 1 all out sex with OM #2.

Surely not all, but enough for me- verifies what I knew inside for 2 years. Going to lawyer in 30 minutes to see my options.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Wow!!

The infamous trickle truth once again... Now you can never be sure if that iss all that happened...


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Bodhitree said:


> *WINNER*- comes back and says "what can I do to save this". I say, I don't think it can be saved but telling the truth would might help.
> 
> *NEW CONFESSION* - 2 bj's with OM # 1 - 1 all out sex with OM #2.
> 
> Surely not all, but enough for me- verifies what I knew inside for 2 years. Going to lawyer in 30 minutes to see my options.


Classic TT. She is not remorseful. Just TT you. Playing you for whatever reason.

Then when you file and she gets the papers she will more than likely TT you even more.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I feel for you Bodi... False R, TT, etc. it hurts like hell.


----------



## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Right about now you should be on a point where you say "ask me if I care" if she tells you about a threesome with OM1 and OM2 at the park.

Lawyer will bring out some more truth, she'll think you are bluffing and give you some modicum of it.. to hold you back. Papers will be the instant eye-opener and maybe TT-ender, hopefully by then you will be long gone.


----------



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Well good news for me! I am in a "no common law" state. Since virtually everything is in my name (since I paid for it), my lawyer delivered a sweet message to my ears:

What she gets will depend how generous you feel. YES !!!!!!


----------



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

verpin zal said:


> *Right about now you should be on a point where you say "ask me if I care" if she tells you about a threesome with OM1 and OM2 at the park.*
> 
> Lawyer will bring out some more truth, she'll think you are bluffing and give you some modicum of it.. to hold you back. Papers will be the instant eye-opener and maybe TT-ender, hopefully by then you will be long gone.


Verpin, you have been spot on so many times. Truthfully, after her newest confession, yes I was upset, but I've already have 2 years to process what I figured was the case. At this point- I DO NOT CARE ANYMORE!!!!! Meeting with her tonight- I AM DONE!!!!!


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Bodhitree said:


> Verpin, you have been spot on so many times. Truthfully, after her newest confession, yes I was upset, but I've already have 2 years to process what I figured was the case. At this point- I DO NOT CARE ANYMORE!!!!! Meeting with her tonight- I AM DONE!!!!!


Dealing with her cheating it one thing but the lieing for the two years. That is on a whole new level. I think you are right. I would divorce and just focus on your kid. You will never change her. I was never able to change my X. Its been six years since the divorce and she is still with the man she cheated on me with. She still denies she ever cheated. Some people are just loosers and you are best to distance yourself from them. 

Clay


----------



## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Bodhitree said:


> Verpin, you have been spot on so many times. Truthfully, after her newest confession, yes I was upset, but I've already have 2 years to process what I figured was the case. At this point- I DO NOT CARE ANYMORE!!!!! Meeting with her tonight- I AM DONE!!!!!


Keep the good news coming.

(I won't be surprised if your next update comes as something like "WTF, she showed up at the meeting with her best female friend")


----------



## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Bodhitree said:


> Verpin, you have been spot on so many times. Truthfully, after her newest confession, yes I was upset, but I've already have 2 years to process what I figured was the case. At this point- I DO NOT CARE ANYMORE!!!!! Meeting with her tonight- I AM DONE!!!!!



Keep strong and do not waver in your rights to have an honest and open relationship with trust and all that good stuff.

Good luck.


----------



## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

Getting trickle truthed is the worst, when YOU KNOW but can't prove it. Damn, this story is almost always the same. 

Lie, admit to the next step up, lie, admit to the next step up, lie... 

Ridiculous. 

I know the truth hurts like hell, but nothing like _not knowing the truth._ When I got to the seedy bottom of my wife's A, I felt like a blind person seeing light for the first time. Remind her she could have been working on an R for two years instead of digging her marriage a cold grave.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

After the first lie, they might as well all be lies. It's sad how an OP ever thinks they will know the truth. Impossible.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Racer said:


> I feel for you Bodi... False R, TT, etc. it hurts like hell.


I am sorry also

This could have been salvaged at one point.


----------



## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

Hey Bodhitree. Any update after meeting with WW last night?


----------



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

SofaKingWeToddId said:


> Hey Bodhitree. Any update after meeting with WW last night?


I met with her two nights ago and told her we are done.

As of today, she is doing same thing as always: "I feel horrible", "I am so sorry", "I need help", "I have a psychological problem", "there is nothing I can do - we are done."

The disappointing but not surprising thing is that she shows no inclination to try and do whatever it takes to save the relationship. She's worried about what I told to who and so forth.

I can't completely blame her though- over the years, I've always fixed it for her in one way or another. It's hard, but I am not doing that this time.

Maybe she could get off her A$$ and DO SOMETHING instead of moping around, woe is me bull crap to save this thing if she wanted it so bad. Even at that, I wouldn't make any agreements etc. but it would be nice to see something indicating she actually cares about this.

Any way you shake it I am going to make her move out- I know she doesn't believe this because I always back off.


----------



## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> I met with her two nights ago and told her we are done.
> 
> As of today, she is doing same thing as always: "I feel horrible", "I am so sorry", "I need help", "I have a psychological problem", "there is nothing I can do - we are done."
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Had to repost this, because I think you are seeing it very clearly now.

Keep moving forward. You have learned a difficult lesson about people. Use it to pick better people in the future.


----------



## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

ok DONT change your will to your daughter...if anything happens to you your stbxw WILL get it all. i was in the same boat, i put it all in my parents name until now i give it to my wife and she will take care of my son


----------



## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Bodhitree, how goes it? Are there good news?


----------



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

verpin zal said:


> Bodhitree, how goes it? Are there good news?


Hey Verpin:

Nothing new to report really. She is going to be moving out, is looking for an apartment now. I understand I'm being too nice, but the way I look at it, what is a few more days.

I'm honestly not even all that angry at this point anymore. Not sure why. Maybe because I knew deep down all along that this had happened.

For her part, she is telling me she has screwed up the best thing in her life (next to our daughter). Insights on to why she engaged in the affair, basically what she said all along that she was angry at me, sad distraught that I had become indifferent to her, and that she felt I didn't love her anymore. While that all sounds good, and may have some truth to it, I'm thinking more along the lines that she did it because it was exciting, secretive, naughty, and had no boundaries of a relationship so to speak.

The two year lie, well, she says she really had not looked at it like she was keeping me in pain not knowing. Not sure how she can say that, but that is what she says. She says she sees now.

She is going to counseling to try to save things. I told her that would be hard for me to navigate, because it would put me in the position of having to determine how honest she was being - and that is impossible and isn't my job in life anyway.

So, bottom line, she has to move out, if for no other reason than for me to take time to clear my head. It's strange because doesn't even seem like a breakup. Maybe reality will set in later. Thanks for the concern. God Bless.


----------



## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Bodhitree said:


> Hey Verpin:
> 
> Nothing new to report really. She is going to be moving out, is looking for an apartment now. I understand I'm being too nice, but the way I look at it, what is a few more days.
> 
> ...


Good news.

So she started to see what she has done NOW? Good on her yet inadequate. Seems remorseful yet pathetic.

Keep up the good work with being the cold fish. With daughter already outta the picture,* focus on yourself now*.


----------



## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> ...I'm honestly not even all that angry at this point anymore. Not sure why. Maybe because I knew deep down all along that this had happened.
> 
> For her part, she is telling me she has screwed up the best thing in her life (next to our daughter). Insights on to why she engaged in the affair, basically what she said all along that she was angry at me, sad distraught that I had become indifferent to her, and that she felt I didn't love her anymore. While that all sounds good, and may have some truth to it, I'm thinking more along the lines that she did it because it was exciting, secretive, naughty, and had no boundaries of a relationship so to speak.
> 
> ...


I was reading through this, and thinking how your feelings were very similar to mine at that time.

You sound amazingly well. I know you are probably hurting on some levels, but your thinking will carry you forward.

She probably is telling you the good truth about you being the best thing in her life. You also are probably accurate that she wanted some excitement.

She is not your equal. I don't say this with contempt for her. It is not said that you should become arrogant. It is said so that you can look forward to a better woman in your future. 

When the dust settles, go find your better woman. She is out there.


----------

