# Getting Caught



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I was reading a WW thread on another site recently, and she was debating whether or not to confess all to her BH as she ended the A....and she had the additional worry that POSOM's BW had discovered he was in an A but didn't know who the AP was yet.

Of course, this kicked off a major debate between the other posters.

Many were advising her to confess all because it would better her chances of saving her M if she went to her BH first....that A's were always liable to come out, especially in her case because OMBW was already on the trail.

But, of course, there was also a large chorus of posters telling her to keep silent if she was sure all traces of the A had been deleted/removed (which the WW claimed they were), and to deny anything if there was no proof.

Not surprisingly, the WW went with the advice of the 'keep it secret' crowd.

The thing that struck me about this debate though was neither side addressed or acknowledged one of the major danger points if she decided to keep the A hidden.

What if her OM went on to FUTURE A's and ended up getting busted in THAT A, and the BW in digging for info discovered his past A's, including the one WW thought was so well hidden?

And the likelihood of him cheating again was pretty high....WW shared that POSOM had actually ended one LTA with another WW to start up with her in the first place.

It got me thinking.

How common is it that a WS is caught out because their AP gets busted in another A long after their's is over?

I have read a couple threads on another site where a BS did go out of there way to expose to OBS of past A's their WS was engaged in after discovering the most recent one.

How common is this?

Was anyone here informed of their WS's A because the OM/OW had been caught in a LATER A by their BS, who then went on to expose all the AP's they dug up?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Oh what a tangled web we weave..............


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

It ain't gonna matter much no way because this cat will drop a dime on her azz. The odds are then great the BW will tell her old man anyway. Her husband, if he's not a schmuck, will be well aware that the only reason she confessed anything is because OM's got caught. She'd still doing the horizontal rumba if the OM's wifie poo hadn't figured it out. In the final analysis, her husband will either ditch her or he won't.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

It's funny when WS's decide that the answer to their treachery, deceit, lying, betrayal, etc. is to double down on it.

It'll blow up in her lying cheating face....and rightly so. Follow the thread and let us know when it blows up. That's always so satisfying.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Not quite the same thing, but I know a guy who got caught cheating because his best friend got caught cheating. Actually, I'm the one who caught them both.

In the course of investigating my now-ex-husband's communications in the latter months of our marriage, I discovered that his best buddy was also a serial cheater. The two guys weren't even careful to hide their discussions of their antics. Rather lurid details of encounters with various affair partners were all over their personal and work emails and their texts to one another. So, as soon as my own divorce was final, I made copies of all the evidence I'd collected on the friend and had it sent anonymously to his wife. She seems to have chosen to work it out, as they're still seemingly happily married after a "rough patch" and their return as a family to regular church-going. The two men are still best friends, and they're both still cheating. But at least the friend's wife was given sufficient evidence to make her own decision.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

Rowan said:


> Not quite the same thing, but I know a guy who got caught cheating because his best friend got caught cheating. Actually, I'm the one who caught them both.
> .


birds of a feather, flock together...you are the company you keep.

There are many ways a long ago betrayal could surface. The AP could join a 12 step program and need to right the wrongs they've done, or just want to clear a guilty conscience. Or maybe they get cheated on and realize the errors of their ways. A long forgot diary, or photo could emerge. A one-time confidant could spill the beans.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It always puzzles me how the cheaters can completely discount the possibility that they gave their spouse an STI. Condoms don't protect against some of them. Or are people just that ill informed??


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> It always puzzles me how the cheaters can completely discount the possibility that they gave their spouse an STI. Condoms don't protect against some of them. Or are people just that ill informed??


I think most are pretty far into delusion and denial. The "that would never happen to me" is pretty strong with most cheaters. 

As it turned out, my now-ex-husband never used condoms for any of his myriad extramarital trysts. He flat out said - aloud, with a straight face and moderate indignation - that none of this affair partners were "like that".

:slap:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Rowan said:


> He flat out said - aloud, with a straight face and moderate indignation - that none of this affair partners were "like that".
> 
> :slap:


OMG. Unreal.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> OMG. Unreal.


Sadly, that was just the tip of the iceberg on that brand of crazy.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I'm pretty sure a lot of people don't get caught.

Not that this excuses their behavior, of course.

Here's an article on that:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...cheat-caught-partners---fifth-men-DO-out.html


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Dyokemm said:


> I was reading a WW thread on another site recently...~
> 
> And the likelihood of him cheating again was pretty high....WW shared that POSOM had actually ended one LTA with another WW to start up with her in the first place.


What an honorable guy, dumping an AP for a newer model.
With luck, her world will blow up sooner rather than later.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I think if my OMs wife went snooping hard core, she'd find a lot. 

I know she knows about some, but I don't believe she knows about all by any means.

I know she found out about the last one (after me) just about a year ago, right before they got married. I don't doubt that there have been more. She found out about the first one 11 years ago when the chic got pregnant with his kid who she now helps raise. There have been several she knows about in between. Several more I'm sure she doesn't know about considering his work travel. 

She chooses to be oblivious and move forward with him each time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Just my opinion, and I know there will be different ones, but my guess is most of those saying NOT to tell were other women, especially if some of her girlfriends knew.

There is a narrative out there in everything women read these days ( just look at a Cosmo or any WOMANS magazine at the supermarket if your wife does not read them) that men will get over it and will not leave and that having an affair is OK and can be good for your marriage. 

And we all know not telling is the EASY way out which most people will take.

The problem is that since the experts say that some are generally more likely to be deeply emotionally invested in the affair, not telling BH in my opinion greatly increases the chance to have another affair or restart the current one since in essence they have gotten away totally with it.

I am sure some can do it as a one time thing and not tell and never do it again, but my guess would be the story you were referring to did not end well.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Interesting comments.

But no knowledge of examples from other posters.

I guess it might not be as common as I would think.

I do remember a thread on SI where a guy caught his WW on A****y M*****n in two A's.

She was begging him for R, but was TT'ing him like crazy so he kept digging.....ended up finding an old email exchange from years before (if I remember right it was 6 years).

BH ended up exposing ALL the OM's to their BW's.

It gave me an amusing mental picture of the first OM.....who I am sure was sitting around 6 years later thinking his secret was safe forever.

Then BAM.....his world gets blown apart in an instant.

And all because his former OW couldn't stop her cheating ways and ended up caught in an A years later.

I have zero sympathy for the POS....he deserved everything that came raining down on his head.

But I thought it was a great lesson for a WS, that even if they think they have eliminated all evidence and there is NO WAY their BS could discover them....

Their xAP will always be an incalculable risk to their plans for secrecy......because if that person ends up continuing their adulterous ways, gets careless and busted, then their 'safely hidden' secret will be blown wide open.

I just found it odd that nobody from EITHER side in the debate on that original thread I mentioned ever brought up this potential future exposure.....there was a lot of debate about forgotten texts/emails, other co-workers (POSOM was WW's boss), etc......and these are all great points.

But no one addressed this glaring weak point in her 'secrecy conspiracy'

Made me wonder how often it might happen.

I can only remember that one thread on SI.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Oh, and someone asked to watch for the resolution.

It was actually a fairly old thread that somebody cited in a current one...so I went and looked it up.

She did end up getting busted....but not in the way I asked about.....that was just my curiousity because no one in the debate was addressing this possibility.....and it made me curious how often it might happen.

The WW actually ended up accidentally outing herself.

Despite the fact she ended her episodes of being the boss' booty call, she was still obsessed with him and what her A "meant" to him.

I guess she was Google searching about A's on her IPAD and even had the site she was posting her thread on there still signed in when she left her house one day.....her BH picked up her IPAD to search for something.....

And that was that......busted......and her BH had the ENTIRE story from her threads.

Lmao.....makes me wonder why these WS's are always SO SURE that they have tied up loose ends and their secret will safely go to the grave with them.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Rowan said:


> I think most are pretty far into delusion and denial. The "that would never happen to me" is pretty strong with most cheaters.
> 
> As it turned out, my now-ex-husband never used condoms for any of his myriad extramarital trysts. He flat out said - aloud, with a straight face and moderate indignation - that none of this affair partners were "like that".
> 
> :slap:


LMAO....that's deserving of being divorced for stupidity alone.

What an a**.!


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

So, what was the time frame from the first thread about "tell him or not" and getting busted?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Dyokemm said:


> I have read a couple threads on another site where a *BS did go out of there way to expose to OBS of past A's their WS was engaged in after discovering the most recent one.*
> 
> How common is this?
> 
> Was anyone here informed of their WS's A because the OM/OW had been caught in a LATER A by their BS, who then went on to expose all the AP's they dug up?


Exactly what happened to me when I caught my wife in having an affair with her former college BF. This affair had been going on less than a month. They chatted for a few weeks then met up in a hotel one morning for all day sex. 

My daughter actually figured it all out from late night (3am) FB chats that my wife was having with AP (she friend-ed him). She called me and I got wife's email (sent folder) traffic. Busted.

When initially caught my wife TT, lies that she has never done anything like this before, she was just overwhelmed and fell for AP. I suspected years before but never had proof. Even soft confronted (mistake).

My wife was FB chatting, emailing, talking everyday so much with guy, but she was careful to delete everything, except the email sent folder. In one exchange she told her AP that she had had a LT EAPA with her former Boss 5+ years prior. 2 sentences buried in a pile of emails that's all. I still didn't add up. She was addicted to the affair and I suspected more. I like most BS went full time PI. I covertly gained access to her work computer and downloaded 6+ years of archived Outlook *.pst files from her network archive/backup cloud. 10000's of email, 99% work dribble. Took weeks to go thru. 

Then I find it. An old HS friend she and a GF met one weekend to have lunch to see how he was doing after having a stroke. I knew all about this and had even met this jerk a couple of times. He lived about 3 hours from us in the big city (neuro doc). Most of the emails (100s) were just vanilla, work kids blah blah. Then one small exchange about a year and half prior to current DD. They are planning a hookup for an evening he will be in town.

So I now have damning proof of 3 separate affairs spanning nearly 7 years. I am a fool. Knowing all this, I pressured her for the truth. She knew I had access to everything but didn't really know what was recorded. After a week of TT, she dumped it all. Even told me things I would of never found. The truth just kept getting worse day by day. I'm move and look like the walking dead. I suspected others but no smoking gun.

I exposed to all OMW regardless of it going back 7 years. One didn't believe it and yelled at me on the phone. Sent her proof. I refer to it as the 11pm phone call no unknowing spouse can believe. My WW even got a email from OM2 complaining "Why in God's name would you tell your idiot H about us." The others suspected but never had damning proof and thanked me.

Side note, looking back over years of personal email exchange I was able understand things about my wife that had been hidden for 30 years at the time. The closet vanity, the flirting with males, fear of getting older and not being "the prettiest girl in the room", she was. In addition, I was able to figure out who her Toxic Friends really were, all cheaters, and knew of the affairs.

If you can't tell, I'm a 100% believer in "Scorched Earth".


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

TaDor said:


> So, what was the time frame from the first thread about "tell him or not" and getting busted?


About 4 months.

She said she had ended the A.....except for a couple 'accidental' slips in the first month.

But she just couldn't stop obsessing about the POSOM and could all he have really wanted all along was sex......she seemed fixated on the idea that it had to mean something more.

WW said the first 6 weeks of the A were like a romance.....but after his BW caught on he was having an A, they ended and deleted all communications....and the A became nothing more than him inviting her into his office once or twice a week and basically pulling up her skirt and bending her over the desk.

When other posters, many of whom were WS or AP themselves, told her he never cared about her at all and that she was basically just a sex toy for him.....that REALLY bothered her.

So she became obsessed/determined to find that it HAD to mean something real...that he really had cared.

That obsession led to her getting caught.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

RWB said:


> So I now have damning proof of 3 separate affairs spanning nearly 7 years. I am a fool.


You're not a fool until you know and hang around hoping she'll get over it and drift back to you and the ya'll will live happily ever after.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

RWB said:


> Exactly what happened to me when I caught my wife in having an affair with her former college BF. This affair had been going on less than a month. They chatted for a few weeks then met up in a hotel one morning for all day sex.
> 
> My daughter actually figured it all out from late night (3am) FB chats that my wife was having with AP (she friend-ed him). She called me and I got wife's email (sent folder) traffic. Busted.
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing.....it may not be common.....but it DOES happen.

And that means a WS who wants to take their secret to the grave really had better also consider the possibility that their AP is a continuous potential of exposure if they don't stop THEIR cheating ways.

LMAO....and I love OM2's reaction.....what a dumba**.

Thought he was safe and clear and then....BOOM.

POS.....deserves everything that happened.....f*ck him.

Great job on blowing them ALL up, no matter how long ago the A's were.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Dyokemm said:


> And that means a WS who wants to take their secret to the grave really had better also consider the possibility that their AP is a continuous potential of exposure if they don't stop THEIR cheating ways.
> 
> LMAO....and I love OM2's reaction.....what a dumba**.
> 
> ...


I'm pretty sure my WW would of taken her previous affairs to grave without the emails that I found. 

I still remember thinking I was going crazy when I suspected with no proof. 15 min on TAMCWI and I would of had the tools to bust her.

Trust no one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> About 4 months.
> 
> She said she had ended the A.....except for a couple 'accidental' slips in the first month.
> 
> ...


This is the part that I'll never easily figure out. It must have meant something more and they cared. The first clue that it's an illusion should be they have no problems sending you back home to your spouses or they themselves head back for home and spouses. So many want to cling to the dream of "star crossed lovers", even after it ends.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

honcho said:


> This is the part that I'll never easily figure out. It must have meant something more and they cared. The first clue that it's an illusion should be they have no problems sending you back home to your spouses or they themselves head back for home and spouses. So many want to cling to the dream of "star crossed lovers", even after it ends.


Oh, no doubt.....I agree completely.

But if you ever read any of the WW/OW threads over at LS.....it is something that REALLY upsets almost all of them.

They go on and on about 'what does it mean....' From about a hundred different angles, looking for ANY detail they can point to that the POSOM was not just in it for the sex.

Even after they are dumped, thrown under the bus, or just simply ghosted.....the idea that they were stupid enough to buy a scumbag turd's line of bullsh*t and let themselves be used as a sex toy, seems to be something they simply CANNOT accept.

Funny thing is....if you read the threads by WH/OM, they freely admit (in almost every case) that all they wanted to do was f*ck.

And they start trying to distance themselves as soon as the WW/OW starts asking for more.

I don't know how these women can read WH/OM threads and still argue that 'My guy was different....blah, blah, blah'.

Cognitive dissonance at its finest.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Dyokemm said:


> About 4 months.
> 
> She said she had ended the A.....except for a couple 'accidental' slips in the first month.
> 
> ...


HA! She was nothing more than a come-dump. She CARED if she wasn't garbage, but didn't think how she was treating her BH. If you said it, I don't remember - he dump her or they R?

I think that is the thing, cheating wives are more of a penis bank to their AP than anything of value. If you CARE about someone, you don't help destroy their family and kids.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Dyokemm said:


> They go on and on about 'what does it mean....' From about a hundred different angles, looking for ANY detail they can point to that the POSOM was not just in it for the sex.
> 
> Even after they are dumped, thrown under the bus, or just simply ghosted.....the idea that they were stupid enough to buy a scumbag turd's line of bullsh*t and let themselves be used as a sex toy, seems to be something they simply CANNOT accept.


Its how we are designed. Love or money is how you get into a woman's panties. Sex is how you get into a man's heart... or wallet.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*She'll indeed wish that she had up and confessed whenever the POSOM's BW comes discreetly calling to have a "séance" with the adulteress' BH about the matter!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Honesty is always the best policy but I knew a guy in the Marines who cheated on his wife more than I've ever seen anyone cheat on anyone. He got older and grew out of it. Now he's a deacon in their church. We're Facebook friends (as are all the guys from that platoon in that era). I'd like to think she knows but I seriously doubt it. Theirs is the only case I've seen personally where once the cheater realizes what a horrible thing that is to do and wises up, maybe it's not so bad if they keep it secret. I don't know. I don't have all the answers. Nobody does.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Not telling the entire truth to me is unacceptable. That's to me equal as keeping secrets between the cheaters that only they know about those still keeping the affair alive at some level, just my opinion

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

tech-novelist said:


> I'm pretty sure a lot of people don't get caught.


This. If I had to make an educated guess. 

Far more people never get found out at all.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> This. If I had to make an educated guess.
> 
> Far more people never get found out at all.


I second that. I know quite a few men and women who never got caught, the thing ran its course, and they're still married and happy today. There are valid arguments to keeping these things secret sometimes. If the OBS hadn't outed everything, that was my wife's plan. She had only ever been with me. She knew that cheating was an absolute deal break for me so when she hit her midlife crisis, and went nuts, she cheated but knew it was wrong and knew she wanted to stay with me and grow old together. If no one had ever told me we'd still be living the Great American love story. As is, I'm divorcing her.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Seriously, all the acronyms are getting a little ridiculous. It makes it difficult for a new user to even understand the conversation, and they serve no other point. I have been on this forum off an on for years now and I still have trouble, a new poster would have to be determined in order to understand some of these.

To answer your question, my wife has an emotional affair (although she doesn't think it was an affair) and I found out by digging into it after she told me something else that turned out to be unrelated, but didn't make any sense (and still doesn't).

That was two years ago, and as far as i know, just text messages and going out for drinks a few times after work. I am not sure I believe that this is all it was, even though she insists that it was never physical.

The fact that I had to find it and then afterwards try to pry the tiniest details from her for months probably made it a lot worse for me, but I can't say for sure. It might have been slightly easier if she had told me, not deleted her texts, and let me see everything.

Not a single day goes by that I don't think about it and wonder, and it has been two years. That's probably partly my personality and partly unhealed pain that lingers and will probably never go away. She didn't even really show much contrition afterwards; she kept saying that it was just texts and it is the one thing she did wrong versus the many times she has had to forgive me (financial issues). Not to discount in any way the things I did, I just thought "If we win the lottery tomorrow, everything I did can be easily forgotten. Is there something that would let easily forget what she did?"

Every single day I think about it.

Every single day.

It's little a little piece of hell got lodged in my brain and I can't get rid of it.

Sent from my LG-H810 using Tapatalk


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## Cowboy2 (Nov 12, 2013)

Seppuku said:


> Seriously, all the acronyms are getting a little ridiculous. It makes it difficult for a new user to even understand the conversation, and they serve no other point. I have been on this forum off an on for years now and I still have trouble, a new poster would have to be determined in order to understand some of these.
> 
> To answer your question, my wife has an emotional affair (although she doesn't think it was an affair) and I found out by digging into it after she told me something else that turned out to be unrelated, but didn't make any sense (and still doesn't).
> 
> ...


You realize this is going to eat at you until you confront it right?

Look at my thread on Affair Helpers & Cohorts. Mine started 6 years ago and I'm just now pushing for all the answers & to see if I can forgive it.

She's not telling you anymore because she doesn't want to. Maybe there's more, maybe not but that's up to you to decide.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Seppuku said:


> That was two years ago, *and as far as i know, just text messages and going out for drinks a few times after work. * I am not sure I believe that this is all it was, even though she insists that it was never physical.
> 
> Every single day I think about it.
> 
> ...


Sep,

7 years out from DD. Hear a universal truth about affairs... there's always more. 

_Every single day_... Welcome aboard the Crazy Train. Sit down, buckle up, it's a bumpy ride. It's part of you, part of her, it's now defines your "new" marriage.

_She insists that it was never physical_... Seriously? Sep, they are meeting together in secret, she admits it. Maybe not, but your case would be the rare exception at TAM. Always remember, cheaters are liars by very definition. Whether watering it down, blatant, or by omission, it's all the same... a lie.

BTW, little contrition, no remorse... Big Red Flag for a PA. Also, tell her to stuff the blame shifting.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Seppuku said:


> Seriously, all the acronyms are getting a little ridiculous. It makes it difficult for a new user to even understand the conversation, and they serve no other point. I have been on this forum off an on for years now and I still have trouble, a new poster would have to be determined in order to understand some of these.
> 
> To answer your question, my wife has an emotional affair (although she doesn't think it was an affair) and I found out by digging into it after she told me something else that turned out to be unrelated, but didn't make any sense (and still doesn't).
> 
> ...


I can't help with the standard acronyms....and I am very sorry about your situation.....I think you have a WW who is minimizing what you know about and gaslighting to avoid a complete confession IMO

That is not R.

That said, you must have missed or misunderstood the original question.

It was to any one who knew of a situation where a WS was busted.... thought their A was a secret well kept, and got busted because their AP continued cheating.....got caught by THEIR BS in a DIFFERENT A in the future.....and the unraveling/disclosure in THAT A eventually led their BS to the older A, which they then exposed.

What RWB shared is a great example.....his WW's PAST OMs were sitting fat, dumb, and happy thinking their A with his WW was long over and safely hidden.....then she got caught in ANOTHER affair and it led to the original POS being outed after RWB discovered the older info.

My question dealt with how common this might be, since rarely have I ever seen the possibility raised to a WS who is saying they will never tell their BS about the A......as RWB'S story proves, it CAN happen.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Dyokemm said:


> I can't help with the standard acronyms....and I am very sorry about your situation.....I think you have a WW who is minimizing what you know about and gaslighting to avoid a complete confession IMO
> 
> That is not R.
> 
> ...


I see, my apologies.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Seppuku said:


> I see, my apologies.


Sep,

Why don't you start a new thread and "re-post" your original question. Many here have been in your same dilemma.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Seppuku said:


> Every single day I think about it.
> Every single day.
> It's little a little piece of hell got lodged in my brain and I can't get rid of it.
> 
> Sent from my LG-H810 using Tapatalk


Here's the thing. Would you leave her if you found out it went full blown physical? If the answer is no, there's not a lot of point in worrying about it since knowing wouldn't really change a damn thing.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> Here's the thing. Would you leave her if you found out it went full blown physical? If the answer is no, there's not a lot of point in worrying about it since knowing wouldn't really change a damn thing.


I personally view it opposite as a lot of people. If my WW had an EA and there was even one "I love you" for her to some other dude, that would be it, no question at all. As is I got full transparency. Ran backup recoveries and Dr Fone. Got every exchange she ever had with AP's. Not once was there anything from her even suggesting an emotional attachment. In fact, I saw sever messages where AP was saying he was starting to have real feelings for her and she'd reply "That's a huge mistake. Goodbye" and that would be it. All told there were three men in a three year period but there was no emotional attachments. She had A's like a dude would. That's the only reason I question my decision to divorce her.

I guess everyone is different. I've known men that caught wives texting and having online A's full of "I love you's" and "we're soul mates" but they could get over it without too much issue because there was no physical sex. Personally I think giving your body to someone is far less significant than giving them your heart. Just my opinion.


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