# adult daughter issues



## ponix2010

I'll try and keep this short but it's complicated. I have been married to my wife for 2 yrs but we've been together for 5 yrs. 
She has two adult daughters, one is 23 and the other is 19. The 23 yr old doesn't live with us but the 19 yr old does. It's always been an issue between us, her daughter and I really don't get along. 

I tried to get along with her but she is rude, spoiled and obnoxious and drives me crazy. When I met my wife she would make dinner, fix a plate for her daughter, deliver it to her, pick up her plate when she was finished and take it to the sink for her. I would try and get the daughter to do simple stuff, take out the trash..I say, hey it's trash night and she would say "really? well have fun with that"

So about 2 yrs ago the daughter meets a guy through her sisters bf and they start dating. they dated for awhile, this guy was 21 and had been living at my oldest stepdaughters and her bf's house. they kicked him out and he moved onto one of their friends couches, they got tired of his mooching and kicked him out, so guess where he ends up? you guessed it, our house.

It wasnt by my choice either, matter of fact I found out a few days later after he had been at our place longer then he should have. I mentioned it to my wife and she says "oh yeh, i was going to talk to you about that...." I tell my wife that she needs to get her on birth control because the last thing they need is a kid, so she does that. 

Then this guy ends up living at our house for about a year,he wouldnt get a job and all he did was sit around playing video games and getting stoned all day every day. She finally dumped him, just in time because he went to prison not long after. :smthumbup: I discussed it with my wife and said "ok, thats it, no more people are moving in here!"

Well, it wasnt long after that I decided to sell my car and my wife gets me to sell it to her daughter "she needs a car for work and school". So I just let her pay me the monthly payment. But then she started hanging out with all of her ex bf's friends and I find out shes driving them around while they're drinkin and taking them to pick up weed...the car is still in my name at this point. So one night she calls at 5am, her and her friends are 30 miles away and the car got towed for illegal parking and it's at the impound. 

they get a ride home and the next day they go get the car and when she gets home I take the keys and say "the car has been repo'd" 

ok so fast forward a few months, guess who is pregnant? yeh she quit taking her birth control because she got fired form her job and couldnt afford it. So now shes pregnant by a 33 yr old who was best friends with her ex bf. So shes been dating the guy since, one day I notice that he has been at our house for like 3 days in a row...so I mention it to my wife and she says "oh yeh well his mom kicked him out and he had nowhere to go so I told samantha he could stay for a few days" 

 now this is the 2nd time that I was told that some guy is moving into our place after the fact and I'm pissed. Especially after we already had the discussion about people living in our house. 

a few days has turned into months..and he finally just got a job, shes due to have the baby in a month and the other day he shows up with a puppy, askin if he can keep it :rofl: "you have got to be kidding!...noooooooooo" he said "well i was was going to ask but if figured i would have a better chance if i just brought it over" I about lost it...we have 2 dogs, my wife just put them outside because "the baby"  and my stepdaughter complaining to everyone that we have 2 pitbulls 
in the house and she has a baby on the way...guess what kid of puppy they got? 

I said "wow you just dont get it do ya? you're boyfriend who is 3 yrs younger than me is living with his pregnant 19 yr old gf in her parents house, you dont have a dime to your name, you have a baby due in a month and he goes and gets a dog???? seriously?? and you dont see why I would be a little PO'd?"

So he finally gave up asking me to keep it and he took it to his moms house..after 3 days and being beat up 2x by my dogs. Then he blames my dogs for pouncing on the strange dog they put in the yard. :scratchhead:

and yesterday I said.."so do you have a time frame as to when you two are going to get your own place? 2-3 months maybe? I said does he have some money saved up? she says ..oh, yeh he has like $50 in the bank. I LMAO..wow $50 that will get you really far. 

Today my wife calls me to talk to her and her daughter and says "she asked me, since i told her she could stay here until she finished school, if they can stay till she goes through school? it's only 15 months...." hahhahahahaha ONLY?
so 2 more years? mmmm NO. Of course the decision has already been made and what I say isnt going to matter because i'll get "you are making me choose between my daughter and my husband" NO, your daughter is an adult, her BF is 34 yrs old and they have a baby on the way...they need to GTFO and let us have our own life. 

also, i have to get up for work at 3am, so when i go to bed and try to sleep for a few hours they decide to go in the kitchen at midnight and start cooking, laughing , banging dishes around..etc. my bedroom is right by the kitchen so it's like they are standing right next to me. I already told them about it and it doesnt seem to do any good. the other night they went grocery shopping and came in putting groceries away at 2am, i had to be up at 3...so i walk out there and they go "oh did we wake you???" oops....

this girl will come in our bedroom at 4am , wake her mother (and me) up to ask her something like "what did you do with the nail clipper, I need it"

but I was in the living room the other day and it was like 1pm..and i had the dogs in there getting them riled up and my wife says "shhhhhh samantha is asleep" :rofl::rofl: 

anyway I'm at my wits end, my wife is totally codependent on her daughter and that's never going to change, my world revolves around whatever appeases samantha..I told her kick the BF out and my wife says "if i do that samantha will be freaking out and driving me crazy". The daughter totally controls what my wife does at all times..I just dont know how to deal with it anymore. I love my wife more than anything and it's the same qualities that I love about her that also drive me crazy. 

after the conversation tonight I was looking at garages converted into apartments and my wife says what are ya doin? making a room for them in the garage? them? hahaha not in my garage i'm making a room for me!. she says you're moving into the garage..I said yes I am, she said no you arent, you're my husband you're supposed to be in here with me. I said, you three have fun and i'll be back when they get out..you can come visit me.


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## swedish

I cannot say that I blame you for looking into garage-mahal. Wow. Here's my take...she's 19, she's an adult (albiet not a very mature one) but is making adult decisions (pregnant)...and her baby-daddy is 3 years younger than you and moved from his parents' to hers' ?! 

I know your wife loves her but enabling her in this way is not helping. She needs to put some boundaries in place and respect your wishes on having her boyfriends moving in. I think you are being waaaaay nice to consider moving into your own garage to get away from a man that shouldn't be living in YOUR HOME!! But I also understand your wife had agreed to him being there or you'd have him out by now!

I would talk to your wife...tell her they need to pay rent starting now....x amount a month...and give them a deadline to be out...2-3months...collect enough rent for a downpayment on an apartment...and when the time is up and they can't move 'because we don't have $ blah blah blah' ... tell them you found them a small appt. & will go with them so they can sign the lease and you will write a check for the deposit...the end.

but not really until the next time she comes crying back home with baby in tow...this won't really end until your wife is on board.

Maybe the garage plan will get her attention that something needs to change. I hope so for your sake.


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## losinglove

> "you are making me choose between my daughter and my husband"


Yep and who is going to win. This should show you where you stand in your marriage.


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## swedish

I actually think she is doing her daughter a dis-service by brushing over her bad choices and enabling her to continue to make them. I know first hand that it is hard to let go when you feel they are not ready, but if you don't (especially now that she has a man and is pregnant)...she will be there indefinitely...unless it is a business arrangement (pay rent) with an ending (move out by...)

By standing up to her daughter she will force her to focus on what's important...setting up for the future for herself and her child...and requiring her boyfriend/baby-daddy to be a man. He's 33...crazy.


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## ponix2010

thanks for the replies, I dont see any light at the end of the tunnel, my wife isnt on board with the idea of her daughter moving out at all. we just get into big arguments about it and I'm being "a selfish a-hole who doesnt care about anyone else." 

my wife has feelings of guilt that she has never dealt with, her daughter was molested by her ex husband when she was 6 yrs old, so my wife blames herself for what happened. So I guess shes been trying to make it up by coddling her daughter her entire life. 

anyway, I cant even escape to the garage mahal, we have a chair that was in the living room and my wife bought a recliner to replace it, I was going to get rid of the old one and my wife says "that needs to go in the garage tomorrow" so i said "why? i dont want it in there"
she says "i'm keeping it for when they get their own place". so by now i'm just pissed and saying "you want to put this chair in there and keep it for what the next 5 yrs until they move out?" she says "yeh that and the microwave" I already have a tv in there that shes keeping for her daughter. 

so then I really hit a nerve when i said "why cant they just rent a storage unit and put their stuff in there instead of the garage?"

I give up, I'm tired of fighting with my wife and it's all because of her daughter. When i stand up and say, No about anything she gets on me because I'm part time at my job and I pay 65% of my income to my daughters mother for child support. so my wife makes most of the money, pays the mortgage and the majority of the bills. So any time I say anything about what goes on in our house it comes back to "well i pay the mortgage"

I've been at my job for 17 yrs, I have good seniority and benefits but there arent any full time openings, I make $22+/hr so if I were to quit and find something full time I would be making even less. 

I'm just at this crossroads where, I love my wife and our house but I cant take much more of the stepdaughter BS and It's destroying our marriage.


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## losinglove

Pack a bag, grab the paper and start looking for apartments. Do it openly. When she asks what your are doing just tell her everyone in this house matters but me, the one your are supposed to support and cherish above all others. Since I'm not that person, I'm going to find my own place. 

Of course you have to be willing to follow though if she calls your bluff. It might just open her eyes. Don't let her walk all over you. All you need is a studio apt.


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## Anooniemouse

This is one of those circumstances where you are dealing with unreasonable people; that takes a special talent to do it, and not get burned in the process. This is going to take a David Copperfield level dirty trick to pull off, but if you can do it, you can achieve the desired outcome. 

Define goals: Daughter & her boyfriend, and their child to be out of the house, out of your hair, and have it be *their* idea to go without the wife holding you responsible for their decision to leave, while avoiding these two splitting up. 

Pitfalls: Her finishing school in X period of time is completely a pipe dream. This is a girl who went to bed with a 33 year old while not taking BC. She isn't reliable. 33 year olds who bed 19 year olds are generally not reliable either. 

Your only hope? They unite against, and bond more deeply with a common enemy under the delusion that "things will be better when its just you & me against the world on our own". 

Suggestions: Find your inner zen. Take up a new religion that involves meditation, chanting, bell ringing, ritual nudity when its just him, and you in the house. 

Rediscover your inner musician: Take up accordion, and practice frequently when its just them. 

Be their best friend, and their buddy pal. Be constantly available, over friendly, and always around. Make sure you are around when they try to get friendly with each other, especially when they try to get friendly with each other. 

Find your inner giver, and set him free to give generously: Its time to volunteer. Volunteer to do the shopping, and make sure its the items they hate. Volunteer to do the laundry, and ... etc...etc Let him struggle to find his socks, and underwear for the next 5 months. Same for her. Remember, everyone loves bleach stains, and pink underwear, t-shirts...etc With you doing all of that extra help the wife can't claim you aren't being supportive. Pitch the marriage idea to them often. Make sure to call him "son" often, make him call you "senior", and "sir". 

Nothing improves a pressure cooker situation like a group project! Just look at how well it works on reality TV shows like Survivor. If you've ever moved without the aid of a moving crew, I'm sure you know precisely what I mean. Whatever project it is that needs to be done around the house, its time for "everyone to come together, and work on it together". Come up with a Griswald like cheery slogan for it like "Team " whatever... Repeat it often during! 

Family game night! Yep. Nothing like good, wholesome family fun. You can't be accused of not making them feel welcome. I suggest true tests of skill such as Operation, Clue, Go Fish, and 500 piece puzzles. 

Take the rest of Swedish's advice to heart, and skip the part about getting your wife on board. That is a pipe dream, just like the daughter finishing school soon. 

If you are lucky, in 6 to 9 months you could have them gone, and not even wanting to come by to ask for money, and have it be their idea to go! If you are unlucky, you end up divorced, and broke, but you are already headed there, so you might as well have some fun in the process.


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## MyDog8em

Among others, this is fantastic advice. If I were in your shoes, I would do exactly this and would be extremely good at it :rofl:



Anooniemouse said:


> This is one of those circumstances where you are dealing with unreasonable people; that takes a special talent to do it, and not get burned in the process. This is going to take a David Copperfield level dirty trick to pull off, but if you can do it, you can achieve the desired outcome.
> 
> Define goals: Daughter & her boyfriend, and their child to be out of the house, out of your hair, and have it be *their* idea to go without the wife holding you responsible for their decision to leave, while avoiding these two splitting up.
> 
> Pitfalls: Her finishing school in X period of time is completely a pipe dream. This is a girl who went to bed with a 33 year old while not taking BC. She isn't reliable. 33 year olds who bed 19 year olds are generally not reliable either.
> 
> Your only hope? They unite against, and bond more deeply with a common enemy under the delusion that "things will be better when its just you & me against the world on our own".
> 
> Suggestions: Find your inner zen. Take up a new religion that involves meditation, chanting, bell ringing, ritual nudity when its just him, and you in the house.
> 
> Rediscover your inner musician: Take up accordion, and practice frequently when its just them.
> 
> Be their best friend, and their buddy pal. Be constantly available, over friendly, and always around. Make sure you are around when they try to get friendly with each other, especially when they try to get friendly with each other.
> 
> Find your inner giver, and set him free to give generously: Its time to volunteer. Volunteer to do the shopping, and make sure its the items they hate. Volunteer to do the laundry, and ... etc...etc Let him struggle to find his socks, and underwear for the next 5 months. Same for her. Remember, everyone loves bleach stains, and pink underwear, t-shirts...etc With you doing all of that extra help the wife can't claim you aren't being supportive. Pitch the marriage idea to them often. Make sure to call him "son" often, make him call you "senior", and "sir".
> 
> Nothing improves a pressure cooker situation like a group project! Just look at how well it works on reality TV shows like Survivor. If you've ever moved without the aid of a moving crew, I'm sure you know precisely what I mean. Whatever project it is that needs to be done around the house, its time for "everyone to come together, and work on it together". Come up with a Griswald like cheery slogan for it like "Team " whatever... Repeat it often during!
> 
> Family game night! Yep. Nothing like good, wholesome family fun. You can't be accused of not making them feel welcome. I suggest true tests of skill such as Operation, Clue, Go Fish, and 500 piece puzzles.
> 
> Take the rest of Swedish's advice to heart, and skip the part about getting your wife on board. That is a pipe dream, just like the daughter finishing school soon.
> 
> If you are lucky, in 6 to 9 months you could have them gone, and not even wanting to come by to ask for money, and have it be their idea to go! If you are unlucky, you end up divorced, and broke, but you are already headed there, so you might as well have some fun in the process.


 :iagree: :lol:


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## venis

This is simple you need to find a new home , and let your wife figure out what she lost


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## Jimmy58

I feel for "ponix", I though I had problems with my partners daughter but they are very minor by comparison, but I do understand exactly how he feels, my partner is very protective of her daughter and we have split up had many arguments because of her manipulative attitude. I agree with a lot of the other suggestions but until you've sampled a mother/daughter relationship when you are the new guy then you have no idea what anger and frustration this can cause. Unfortunately I have no suggestions on how to fix this situation as it's driven me crazy for the past 3 years in my relationship. If you get a mother who thinks this way of her daughter despite her many wrong decisions you are on a hiding to nothing. By all means move out to the garage or even an apartment but I tell you what, you'll be there a long time and you'll run out of money far sooner than the 33 year old that's sat in your chair in your front room. Hope I'm wrong and good luck.


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