# husband seems to have fallen out of love with me. feeling confused and alone.



## linwheeler (Dec 18, 2016)

Let me start with some stuff about me. I am 27 years old. i make very little money and live with my husband and 21 month old son in a small 1 bedroom apartment. i have no family now because i stopped speaking with them years ago after they hated and threatened my husband. of corse this is ironic because after 8 years of being together i'm not sure if he loves me anymore and am confused about how to feel towards him. we were completely in love until i got pregnant a couple of years ago and he didn't want the baby. after i had it anyway we barely saw each other and started fighting A LOT. when things finally calmed down after my sons first year we tried to work it out. i cut down my hours at work, became more understanding and patient, started saying i love u more and having sex with him more often. he still acts distant towards me, snaps at me easily and shows our son WAY more affection then me. he barely acknowledges me sometimes but looks at our son (who he didn't even want) like he is his whole world. i am so confused and alone right now. i don't know what to do or say. everything is just wrong. it wasn't suppose to be like this.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

linwheeler said:


> Let me start with some stuff about me. I am 27 years old. i make very little money and live with my husband and 21 month old son in a small 1 bedroom apartment. i have no family now because i stopped speaking with them years ago after they hated and threatened my husband. of corse this is ironic because after 8 years of being together i'm not sure if he loves me anymore and am confused about how to feel towards him. we were completely in love until i got pregnant a couple of years ago and he didn't want the baby. after i had it anyway we barely saw each other and started fighting A LOT. when things finally calmed down after my sons first year we tried to work it out. i cut down my hours at work, became more understanding and patient, started saying i love u more and having sex with him more often. he still acts distant towards me, snaps at me easily and shows our son WAY more affection then me. he barely acknowledges me sometimes but looks at our son (who he didn't even want) like he is his whole world. i am so confused and alone right now. i don't know what to do or say. everything is just wrong. it wasn't suppose to be like this.


Have you tried talking with him about it? What does he say?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Ask him to go to marriage counseling with you.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

I hate to say this, but it sounds like he was very clear he didn't want this baby and is now resenting you for having/keeping it. He didn't want a baby and you've - more or less - trapped him into a lifestyle he doesn't want. I understand why he's distant. It takes two to make a baby, yes, but he was clear he didn't want one. How exactly did you get pregnant all of a sudden? Were you not practicing safe sex? He's entitled to want what he wants (no baby) the same way you're entitled to want what you want (a baby), but the problem is your wants are very different. I think he's "sticking" with you out of obligation. Basically, he's trapped. Would you consider leaving him? I don't think this will get any better. He doesn't want this child and he'll just keep on resenting you as time goes on. You're probably better off going your separate ways. You deserve to be with someone who wants you and YOUR baby the same way he deserves to be with a woman who respects the fact that he doesn't want children.

You say he's good with your son which is great, but I don't think this is the life he wanted.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

I doubt he resents you for having the baby since he's now so attached to his son.

Why did your parents threaten him and why do they hate him?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I think we are missing a big part of the story. He was obviously complaining and unhappy about something. Did he feel like you were spending enough time with him? You need to talk to him about his cold treatment towards you.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

A passive aggressive man can hold resentment for having been forced into fatherhood, and take it out on you for quite some time. But it's impossible to say if his distance is passive aggressive revenge or if it a simple by-product of the the time period in which your marriage was acrimonious and sexless.

I would suggest before you do anything to try to fix it that you ask him if he feels the distance that you feel and if he would like to repair the marriage. It's important to have those two answers because if he doesn't want to fix the marriage, or sees no issue that you feel distant and unloved, it doesn't matter what you do. I would also suggest you try to have this conversation at a time when he isn't tired or distracted. Perhaps a long drive without your son might work. Be prepared to give him time to think and answer honestly. In fact say that in advance; "before you answer I want you to take you time and really think about my questions because I need to have your honest feelings on this..."


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

It sounds like you never had a good stable healthy relationship except for the beginning am I correct?


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

linwheeler said:


> Let me start with some stuff about me. I am 27 years old. i make very little money and live with my husband and 21 month old son in a small 1 bedroom apartment. i have no family now because i stopped speaking with them years ago after they hated and threatened my husband. of corse this is ironic because after 8 years of being together i'm not sure if he loves me anymore and am confused about how to feel towards him. we were completely in love until i got pregnant a couple of years ago and he didn't want the baby. after i had it anyway we barely saw each other and started fighting A LOT. when things finally calmed down after my sons first year we tried to work it out. i cut down my hours at work, became more understanding and patient, started saying i love u more and having sex with him more often. he still acts distant towards me, snaps at me easily and shows our son WAY more affection then me. he barely acknowledges me sometimes but looks at our son (who he didn't even want) like he is his whole world. i am so confused and alone right now. i don't know what to do or say. everything is just wrong. it wasn't suppose to be like this.


He's using your son to PUNISH you for going against him and this is not good for your son's mental health so, I'd focus on what is BEST for your innocent, defenseless son and then do whatever is in your own kid's best interests - which might be to get into counseling or file for a divorce BEFORE your son is mentally damaged here.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

jimrich said:


> He's using your son to PUNISH you for going against him and this is not good for your son's mental health so, I'd focus on what is BEST for your innocent, defenseless son and then do whatever is in your own kid's best interests - which might be to get into counseling or file for a divorce BEFORE your son is mentally damaged here.


Just....no words


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

linwheeler said:


> Let me start with some stuff about me. I am 27 years old. i make very little money and live with my husband and 21 month old son in a small 1 bedroom apartment. i have no family now because i stopped speaking with them years ago after they hated and threatened my husband. of corse this is ironic because after 8 years of being together i'm not sure if he loves me anymore and am confused about how to feel towards him. we were completely in love until i got pregnant a couple of years ago and he didn't want the baby. *after i had it anyway we barely saw each other and started fighting *A LOT. when things finally calmed down after my sons first year we tried to work it out. i cut down my hours at work, became more understanding and patient, started saying i love u more and having sex with him more often. he still acts distant towards me, snaps at me easily and shows our son WAY more affection then me. he barely acknowledges me sometimes but looks at our son (who he didn't even want) like he is his whole world. i am so confused and alone right now. i don't know what to do or say. everything is just wrong. it wasn't suppose to be like this.


What was the fighting about...exactly


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> Just....no words


 @MarriedDude

Please don't quote @jimrich. He's the only poster I've ever placed on ignore, for good reason. 

When he's quoted I have to look at the useless drivel he spams this forum with.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

browser said:


> @MarriedDude
> 
> Please don't quote He's the only poster I've ever placed on ignore, for good reason.
> 
> When he's quoted I have to look at the useless drivel he spams this forum with.


Gotcha. 

It was just... Bracing:laugh:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you two having enough bedroom time? How often?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

linwheeler said:


> it wasn't suppose to be like this.


Get a full time job immediately. You can't afford not too and you need to prepare in case this relationship falls apart.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Children change everything. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for worse.

He may love his son, but still resent the life he feels he has been forced into. Did he actively agree to having a child or did it just sort of happen? Disagreements over becoming parents is probably the worst disagreement in a marriage - there is on possible compromise and it represents an utterly life changing event for both.

Its possible that there is some other issue - is there any other source of disagreement? 

In any case marriage counseling is probably the best course at this point.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> A passive aggressive man can hold resentment for having been forced into fatherhood, and take it out on you for quite some time. But it's impossible to say if his distance is passive aggressive revenge or if it a simple by-product of the the time period in which your marriage was acrimonious and sexless.


This is what I was trying to say, you just did a much better job.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Never marry a guy who isolates you away from your parents and family. That should have been the number one red flag right there. Turns out your family was right about him. 

You didn't ''get pregnant.'' Um, it takes two to make a baby, if he was that concerned, he should have been extra careful with you about birth control options. You're married...he shouldn't be giving you the cold shoulder, especially since you have a baby together, now. A guy that would be this angry with you over having his baby and you're both married...sorry, but he has anger issues, and like I said, I have a feeling your family never liked him from the beginning, so...maybe they saw something that now you're finally seeing about him.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't know what happened in this case. A "surprise" pregnancy can mean a lot of different things. Regardless of "fault", if he is now the parent of a child he didn't want, that could cause a lot of (possibly completely undeserved) resentment.






*Deidre* said:


> Never marry a guy who isolates you away from your parents and family. That should have been the number one red flag right there. Turns out your family was right about him.
> 
> You didn't ''get pregnant.'' Um, it takes two to make a baby, if he was that concerned, he should have been extra careful with you about birth control options. You're married...he shouldn't be giving you the cold shoulder, especially since you have a baby together, now. A guy that would be this angry with you over having his baby and you're both married...sorry, but he has anger issues, and like I said, I have a feeling your family never liked him from the beginning, so...maybe they saw something that now you're finally seeing about him.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

uhtred said:


> I don't know what happened in this case. A "surprise" pregnancy can mean a lot of different things. Regardless of "fault", if he is now the parent of a child he didn't want, that could cause a lot of (possibly completely undeserved) resentment.


I have a feeling that if I ended up with a ''surprise pregnancy'' ...my fiance would be so happy, even though it wouldn't be the best of timing right now, since we're not married, yet. So I guess I just don't get why someone's husband would be cold and distant, just because the baby wasn't ''planned.'' Again, unless she did this to purposely trap him, that would be different, but it doesn't sound that way to me.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> I have a feeling that if I ended up with a ''surprise pregnancy'' ...my fiance would be so happy, even though it wouldn't be the best of timing right now, since we're not married, yet. So I guess I just don't get why someone's husband would be cold and distant, just because the baby wasn't ''planned.'' Again, unless she did this to purposely trap him, that would be different, but it doesn't sound that way to me.


Not everyone wants to marry and have kids. Some want marriage without kids. It's possible he didn't want kids at all. It's also possible he was already doubting the marriage, wasn't sure he wanted a child with OP, and the surprise pregnancy obligated him to stay when he may otherwise have left, effectively trapping him.

Woman named B married and moved from our home state across the country to start their lives together. Two years in, she gets accidentally pregnant. She decided to abort. When asked why she aborted she said "I don't want kids." When asked why not just have a tubal ligation, she said " Well, I might want to have kids someday. Just not with <her husband's name>."


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Not everyone wants to marry and have kids. Some want marriage without kids. It's possible he didn't want kids at all. It's also possible he was already doubting the marriage, wasn't sure he wanted a child with OP, and the surprise pregnancy obligated him to stay when he may otherwise have left, effectively trapping him.
> 
> Woman named B married and moved from our home state across the country to start their lives together. Two years in, she gets accidentally pregnant. She decided to abort. When asked why she aborted she said "I don't want kids." When asked why not just have a tubal ligation, she said " Well, I might want to have kids someday. Just not with <her husband's name>."


I know, that can be...but if she wasn't all alone and isolated from her family over this guy to begin with, I'd think differently about him and the situation. There must be more to the story, than a guy feeling duped into having a kid, I'm thinking. I'd like to find out why her parents don't like him.


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## linwheeler (Dec 18, 2016)

i did not expect to get so many replies. wow. thank you for all the advise everyone. i did talk to my husband about it and so that this is not one sided this is what he had to say all over text, "Yes I know I used to look at jack as a problem and nightmare and I still do sometimes because since we've had him we've had so much less time for each other but now he and I spend way more time together than you and I and he's grown on me and become my little buddy. Every week you work 4 days it's basically like saying goodbye to you for those full 4 days from Tuesday night until Sunday afternoon again and it sucks. I get home just in time for you to leave then you get home just in time for me to have to go to bed so I don't lose too much sleep. I can't stay up and talk late into the night like we do on our days off because going to bed as late as I do already makes me lose sleep and makes me irritable And I have to do that every week Day in and day out and eventually it just catches up to me. Once I get stressed and depressed I shut down and don't want to be seen or heard from by anyone. It's hard to look at you the same way I look at jack because I hardly see you let alone get any alone time with you. On the days you work we get like 2 hours max together and the days off we only get maybe 4-5 hours max of alone time after jack is in bed. Time during the day with Jack doesn't count because we are spending all our energy keeping him amused and entertained and not with each other. I'm just afraid that since we don't get any time together that we will drift apart and you'll find someone better because let's face it, I'm no catch, that's for sure. The tiny amount of time we get together coupled with our loss of intimacy has just got me down along with everything else going on around us in life. I don't know. I guess this just isn't how I expected things to turn out for us and it's depressing."

so that's his side of it. we talked over text for awhile and then in person. things are better now and we are working on it. for those of u who asked about my parents... very complicated situation but bottom line they are manipulative control freaks who never even let me go to school and my mother was very verbally abusive. i probably would've stopped talking to them even if my husband was not part of the situation. just FYI for those judging my husband on that alone. as for those asking about the fighting right after jack was born i meant over dumb pointless things like not taking out the trash, but also we fight about if we should've had our son. also i was not clear about this but he said he wanted a child to make me happy and then realized he couldn't do it after i wasn't already pregnant and begged me to get an abortion. that part was very selfish on his part i will admit. he should've just told me he didn't want kids from the start. the whole situation is just screwed up but he does love the kid now but yes he does hate the lifestyle and does feel trapped.


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## linwheeler (Dec 18, 2016)

i had a full time assistant managers position that i quit recently for him. he said i worked too much and wasn't spending enough time at home trying to fix our marriage.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Those are the words of a sex starved man if I've ever heard them.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That is a good question: is he having as much sex, and doing the sexual things that he wants? 

Not saying whether or not the OP should go along with everything he wants, but its part of the picture.



WorkingOnMe said:


> Those are the words of a sex starved man if I've ever heard them.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think people view children very differently. 

For some it is a great surprise. For others an unwanted lifelong commitment - a never ending nightmare. 

Its something couples need to discuss and must either agree on or separate. There is no compromise. If either wants to change that agreement, they tell the other, but no intentional surprises. 





*Deidre* said:


> I have a feeling that if I ended up with a ''surprise pregnancy'' ...my fiance would be so happy, even though it wouldn't be the best of timing right now, since we're not married, yet. So I guess I just don't get why someone's husband would be cold and distant, just because the baby wasn't ''planned.'' Again, unless she did this to purposely trap him, that would be different, but it doesn't sound that way to me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

This is a good time for the two of you to read His Needs Her Needs. Tells you how to have a happy marriage. In it, you'll learn that a man's highest needs are usually sex, admiration, and companionship/fun. If he's not getting those, he'll feel like he's falling out of love. He's made it clear he wants more time with you, so that needs to be your priority.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Those are the words of a sex starved man if I've ever heard them.


Or the words of a man who wants to blame shift everything onto his wife. There is a reason that no one seems to care about here, as to why her parents are not speaking with her, and don't like this guy. I'd like to know that reason.


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## linwheeler (Dec 18, 2016)

uhtred said:


> That is a good question: is he having as much sex, and doing the sexual things that he wants?
> 
> Not saying whether or not the OP should go along with everything he wants, but its part of the picture.


although i will admit that ever since i had my son i've had like zero sex drive (thanks kid) i actually tried having sex with him 3-4 times per week to see if that helped things. the thing is he was still being cold and distant towards me on other days which kinda killed me wanting to have sex with him so often. i started feeling like i was only having sex so that he'd act nicer towards me. we have talked about things since i first posted on here and he keeps saying he will be happier and nicer towards me (less distant and irritable) if i spend more time with him and obviously more sex but we still work opposite shifts and my boss won't let me have anymore days off. i work 2-10 four nights a week and those days i don't see him at all. i could quit but then we couldn't swing the bills. it's just a tough situation. i guess i went a little crazy the other night and needed to vent on here but in all reality i guess nothing can be done :-( i have to work opposites and not see him or we can't pay the bills and i won't have sex with someone being cold towards me so he will just grow more and more distant until he leaves i guess. doesn't feel like it'll ever get better. i hate my life :-( and btw because i can foresee someone saying "just get a babysitter and stop working opposite shifts!" duh but nannies and daycare cost more than i make! someone needs to be home with the kid. probably why he initially resented the kid.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Keeping romance and passion alive with kids is really difficult - for everyone. Add in a lack of sex drive and things are extremely difficult.

For how long did you try frequent sex? Did it include doing all the things he likes? Just trying for a bit more information to get a feel about how he might be feeling. Sex might not be the problem. Sex might be the problem but it takes a while for him to get over his resentment (reasonable or not) about a lack of sex earlier. 

Of course everyone reading / commenting is going to see this through the lens of their own situation. Since the overwhelming problem in my marriage stems from sex, I will tend to see that issue in others when it may not be at all the dominant problem. 





linwheeler said:


> although i will admit that ever since i had my son i've had like zero sex drive (thanks kid) i actually tried having sex with him 3-4 times per week to see if that helped things. the thing is he was still being cold and distant towards me on other days which kinda killed me wanting to have sex with him so often. i started feeling like i was only having sex so that he'd act nicer towards me. we have talked about things since i first posted on here and he keeps saying he will be happier and nicer towards me (less distant and irritable) if i spend more time with him and obviously more sex but we still work opposite shifts and my boss won't let me have anymore days off. i work 2-10 four nights a week and those days i don't see him at all. i could quit but then we couldn't swing the bills. it's just a tough situation. i guess i went a little crazy the other night and needed to vent on here but in all reality i guess nothing can be done :-( i have to work opposites and not see him or we can't pay the bills and i won't have sex with someone being cold towards me so he will just grow more and more distant until he leaves i guess. doesn't feel like it'll ever get better. i hate my life :-( and btw because i can foresee someone saying "just get a babysitter and stop working opposite shifts!" duh but nannies and daycare cost more than i make! someone needs to be home with the kid. probably why he initially resented the kid.


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## linwheeler (Dec 18, 2016)

well i tried for about 2 months straight. i will admit things were better for us because he started showing he cared a lot more often and being less cold towards me, but he still had his days where he seemed to want nothing to do with me especially if one night i was tired or not feeling well and didn't perform well in bed because of it. i did do all the things he likes including things that frankly hurt me A LOT. sorry if i'm sharing too much but he is almost 9 inches in length which frankly is a bit big for me in certain positions and therefore hurts me but i did them anyway just to try to get him to look at me like he once did. then a week ago my boss put me on some extra shifts and obviously i had to say yes or be fired so i took them. we went a week without any sex at all and that's why i started freaking out because he went back to being a complete ******* towards me (cold, insensitive and uncaring). i have never viewed sex as anything to even do with love so i immediately blamed it on everything else i guess. i mean i think friendship and understanding is what is important so it's hard for me to grasp that i need to have sex before i can have any friendship or understanding from him. then u just add into the mix all of our other problems like the whole having a toddler and working situation and it's just such a mess that i don't know how to fix. i wish we could just leave for 8 days alone together but with no one to watch our son and our jobs that will never happen :-(




uhtred said:


> Keeping romance and passion alive with kids is really difficult - for everyone. Add in a lack of sex drive and things are extremely difficult.
> 
> For how long did you try frequent sex? Did it include doing all the things he likes? Just trying for a bit more information to get a feel about how he might be feeling. Sex might not be the problem. Sex might be the problem but it takes a while for him to get over his resentment (reasonable or not) about a lack of sex earlier.
> 
> Of course everyone reading / commenting is going to see this through the lens of their own situation. Since the overwhelming problem in my marriage stems from sex, I will tend to see that issue in others when it may not be at all the dominant problem.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What your husband is doing to you is sexual abuse, as well as emotional abuse by ignoring you the way he does. Leave him NOW and take your son. Get into a shelter if you have nowhere else to go. If you were my daughter I'd be taking you into hiding and calling the cops. Seriously. What he's doing is totally messed UP.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It depends on whether he knows that he is hurting her and whether she told him to stop. If he did continue doing things when she told him to stop, then yes it is abuse / rape.

Ignoring someone is obnoxious but I don't think that by itself it constitutes abuse. 



Hope1964 said:


> What your husband is doing to you is sexual abuse, as well as emotional abuse by ignoring you the way he does. Leave him NOW and take your son. Get into a shelter if you have nowhere else to go. If you were my daughter I'd be taking you into hiding and calling the cops. Seriously. What he's doing is totally messed UP.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> What your husband is doing to you is sexual abuse, as well as emotional abuse by ignoring you the way he does. Leave him NOW and take your son. Get into a shelter if you have nowhere else to go. If you were my daughter I'd be taking you into hiding and calling the cops. Seriously. What he's doing is totally messed UP.


Huh?

This is a classic case of neither one of them getting their needs met and reacting poorly.

Lin,

He isn't getting your time and physical affection. Something he has clearly told you he needs from you. Without it he feels cold and distant.

You want him to ignore his resentment and be nice and thoughtful and kind to you and then you will give him 5 minutes of your time and maybe some sex. 

You spend no time together, there is no intimacy and your marriage is circling the drain. The bottom line is you need to figure out a way to change your schedules and start spending some time together. 

I suppose that you can continue to just throw up your hands and say nothing can be done. But that excuse is going to sound pretty hollow when you are divorced, a single mom taking care of the kid half the time and your H is shacked up with some other woman. Not only will you have a hard time supporting yourself but then your child is going to come from a broken home. You and your family are better off together, so it might be better for you guys to take a bit of a financial hit while you work somewhere else. 

And I would give your H the same advice if he were the one here asking for advice. He isn't and you are, so the burden to start making changes unfortunately is on you. Make them and stick to them. 

Sorry.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

linwheeler said:


> well i tried for about 2 months straight. i will admit things were better for us because he started showing he cared a lot more often and being less cold towards me, but he still had his days where* he seemed to want nothing to do with me especially if one night i was tired or not feeling well and didn't perform well in bed because of it.* i did do all the things he likes including things that frankly hurt me A LOT. sorry if i'm sharing too much but he is almost 9 inches in length which frankly is a bit big for me in certain positions and therefore hurts me but i did them anyway *just to try to get him to look at me like he once did*. then a week ago my boss put me on some extra shifts and obviously i had to say yes or be fired so i took them. we went a week without any sex at all and that's why i started freaking out because he went back to being a complete ******* towards me (cold, insensitive and uncaring). i have never viewed sex as anything to even do with love so i immediately blamed it on everything else i guess. i mean i think friendship and understanding is what is important so it's hard for me to grasp that* i need to have sex before i can have any friendship or understanding from him*. then u just add into the mix all of our other problems like the whole having a toddler and working situation and it's just such a mess that i don't know how to fix. i wish we could just leave for 8 days alone together but with no one to watch our son and our jobs that will never happen :-(


He is emotionally blackmailing her with sex. And then not even following through with his part of the bargain.

Seriously - get the hell away from this guy. Don't wait for HIM to leave - why would he?? He has you at his beck and call, falling over backwards trying to please him.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Not everyone wants to marry and have kids. Some want marriage without kids. " When I asked this friend why not just have a tubal ligation, she said " Well, I might want to have kids someday. Just not with <her husband's name>."


Ouch!

A hard straight punch that first connected to the nose and then to the "KNOWS".

Some people play the long game. MJEANS friend is a chess player. She is the Queen, there are no Kings or Knights in sight, only pauns. 

She needs to hurry. Certain plans and certain plots and pans dry up. A barren landscape is rarely pretty or fulfilling. Especially in the Twilight Years.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@linwheeler


God created men. Not all of them are husband material.

Some of these men are flesh and bone and nothing else. Nothing else that makes one a worthy male, a worthy mate.

He may think he is [a] god's gift to women. Nay! He is the devil's gift to women. He is a lengthy serpent, in form, indeed.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

linwheeler said:


> although i will admit that ever since i had my son i've had like zero sex drive (thanks kid) i actually tried having sex with him 3-4 times per week to see if that helped things. the thing is he was still being cold and distant towards me on other days which kinda killed me wanting to have sex with him so often. i started feeling like i was only having sex so that he'd act nicer towards me. we have talked about things since i first posted on here and he keeps saying he will be happier and nicer towards me (less distant and irritable) if i spend more time with him and obviously more sex but we still work opposite shifts and my boss won't let me have anymore days off. i work 2-10 four nights a week and those days i don't see him at all. i could quit but then we couldn't swing the bills. it's just a tough situation. i guess i went a little crazy the other night and needed to vent on here but in all reality i guess nothing can be done :-( i have to work opposites and not see him or we can't pay the bills and i won't have sex with someone being cold towards me so he will just grow more and more distant until he leaves i guess. doesn't feel like it'll ever get better. i hate my life :-( and btw because i can foresee someone saying "just get a babysitter and stop working opposite shifts!" duh but nannies and daycare cost more than i make! someone needs to be home with the kid. probably why he initially resented the kid.


Why doesn't your family like him?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This can be read many different ways and we are starting to see a storm of replies as people map what is unsaid onto their own experience / expectations. Misunderstanding what is in the missing gaps in information can lead to comments that might seem misplaced or hurtful. Of course my comments are colored by my own experience, no intent to give offense. 

First - some people need frequent sex to be happy. Its just the way that they are wired. Others of course are selfish and will intentionally behave obnoxiously if they don't get the sex that they want. I don't know an easy way to tell these apart. In my case sex strongly affects my mood. It makes me generally happy for a couple of days after it happens, and unhappy when it doesn't. I can't change that. 

There is an additional issue: being turned down for sex FOR NO REASON is very hurtful. Of course you may have a very valid reason that he doesn't perceive. Again from my experience it is hurtful when my wife tells me she is too tired for sex, but is not too tired to go out to a late night Jazz concert. Her statement may well be true but it feels selfish.

So, it is quite possible that while you have completely valid reasons for turning him down for sex, to him it seems like selfishness. 

Of course its also possible he is a complete Ahole and just wants you to fck him when he wants it, and intentionally punishes you emotionally when you don't. I can't tell the difference from what you have posted. Maybe you can think carefully and try to decide if you can tell. 


As far as the sex itself: Does he know that he is hurting you - have you told him? Noises of pain and pleasure can sound similar. If he knows and keeps doing it, then that is truly abusive. Sometimes things are not that clear. At some point my wife got into the habit of giving me a BJ for my birthday, but at no other time. I love them, and she seemed happy enough. When I asked why she would't do it more often, she told me she hated doing that, it was disgusting and degrading. I'd never had any hint. So of course I've told her to never do it again. So in your case are you sure HE knows he is hurting you, or have you avoided telling him.

There are lots of things that constitute sex. Are there things he enjoys that don't hurt you? Are you able to ask him what he wants and work out which of those things you can do without discomfort?

On the topic of sex - is he willing to do anything you want in bed? This is pretty important - it helps separate whether he is just a selfish Ahole, or someone who enjoys a lot of sex. 

For him to be happy, does he need long complete sex, or can you just give him a quick BJ or something on nights when you are tired (if that works for him). This assumes though that he is willing to put similar effort into pleasing your - sexually or other ways. 

When you have frequent sex and he is happy, is he very good to you? Does he show real love, affection and caring, or does he just stop being cold and distant?

As I said at the start, I don't have a good "feel" for the situation. He may be selfish, demanding and possibly abusive. Or he may just be a guy with high drive who feels hurt when he is rejected by his wife. It might even be something else entirely. 
















linwheeler said:


> well i tried for about 2 months straight. i will admit things were better for us because he started showing he cared a lot more often and being less cold towards me, but he still had his days where he seemed to want nothing to do with me especially if one night i was tired or not feeling well and didn't perform well in bed because of it. i did do all the things he likes including things that frankly hurt me A LOT. sorry if i'm sharing too much but he is almost 9 inches in length which frankly is a bit big for me in certain positions and therefore hurts me but i did them anyway just to try to get him to look at me like he once did. then a week ago my boss put me on some extra shifts and obviously i had to say yes or be fired so i took them. we went a week without any sex at all and that's why i started freaking out because he went back to being a complete ******* towards me (cold, insensitive and uncaring). i have never viewed sex as anything to even do with love so i immediately blamed it on everything else i guess. i mean i think friendship and understanding is what is important so it's hard for me to grasp that i need to have sex before i can have any friendship or understanding from him. then u just add into the mix all of our other problems like the whole having a toddler and working situation and it's just such a mess that i don't know how to fix. i wish we could just leave for 8 days alone together but with no one to watch our son and our jobs that will never happen :-(


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> He is emotionally blackmailing her with sex. And then not even following through with his part of the bargain.
> 
> Seriously - get the hell away from this guy. Don't wait for HIM to leave - why would he?? He has you at his beck and call, falling over backwards trying to please him.


This. I don't get why so many here are making excuses for this guy, her family doesn't like him at all and isn't speaking to her OVER HIM. That to me is a red flag. He sounds like a child, and maybe that's why he doesn't want any.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Ask him to go to marriage counseling with you.


*In total agreement, Bandito!

These two preeminently need to be in MC if this marriage has any real hope of being saved! 

There appears to be some thinly-veiled resentment present on the H's part that seriously needs to be dealt with by a professional counselor!*


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Posters may have different images in mind based on reading the same words. 




*Deidre* said:


> This. I don't get why so many here are making excuses for this guy, her family doesn't like him at all and isn't speaking to her OVER HIM. That to me is a red flag. He sounds like a child, and maybe that's why he doesn't want any.


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