# Going back....



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Has anyone just gone back because it's easier financially?

I am struggling with alot of emotions...and I'm SIX MONTHS out!
He hasn't tried talking to me, he's written some letters but all they said is what _HE_ missed etc.....
No mention of what we can do to fix anything....and I've asked him to go to therapy. He has refused for 10 months - guess I should take that as a "no". We just don't communicate...well, I do and he ignores me lol

I'm struggling....I've even written him an email and put it all out there....nothing. 

I think what I'm struggling with is the "safety-net" of all of this....I've been with this man for so long and now I'm doing it entirely on my own. Not to mention $200+ coming out of MY paycheck for HIS insurance that if he paid me...would help me out alot!

Thoughts....
Questions....
Brick over my head....

*I know I may seem upbeat - I am today - but depression is setting in and I need some words of encouragement*


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You CAN do this on your own.

DO not sell your soul for security.

Stop contacting him...he is reveling in your dependence.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

that_girl said:


> You CAN do this on your own.
> 
> DO not sell your soul for security.
> 
> Stop contacting him...he is reveling in your dependence.


Thank you!

We have a 10 yr old son...but I bought him a cell phone.
He doesn't really answer his Dad like he does me, well....might have something to do with me telling him I'd cut if off if he didn't respond to his Mom lol

I'm the one who left him.
He acted shocked I did so, even after me telling him I was!
He found out I was sick yesterday and text me....I normally do NOT text him. 

This whole thing is overwhelming!
He's totally passive aggressive and I'm beating my head against a brick wall and each time not expecting to crush my head!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

End contact with him. Just stop. You will begin to heal. Get your power back  Just ignore your husband...take care of you.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

that_girl said:


> End contact with him. Just stop. You will begin to heal. Get your power back  Just ignore your husband...take care of you.


You're right...
But there are things we have to discuss about our son.
I try my best not to put him in the middle of stuff WE should be talking about. (ex. meeting his teacher and school supplies is the latest things) We are sharing custody, b/c even though my stbex is not good w/me - my son loves him so.

I guess I just need to keep pushing forward.
I've got my attorney working on a court date, so a judge can decide things b/c he won't agree to anything....

I hate waiting games....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Take care of yourself.

Seriously, spruce yourself up. It helped me


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Take care of yourself.
> 
> Seriously, spruce yourself up. It helped me


Girl....I've lost weight, I've joined a gym...got guys looking at me right and left....and all I wanna do is UNDERSTAND how this man who's had me all these years, writes all this stuff down but won't DO a damn thing! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Frustrating! :scratchhead:


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Hang in there. Work on detaching from him emotionally. It takes a conscious effort that isn't very fun. But it is necessary. I understand on the communication about your son. We (my STBXW and I) see each other 3 or 4 times a week to exchange the kids. Keeping the conversation short and to the point and only about the kids helps. I wouldn't consider going back just for financial reasons.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> Girl....I've lost weight, I've joined a gym...got guys looking at me right and left....and all I wanna do is UNDERSTAND how this man who's had me all these years, writes all this stuff down but won't DO a damn thing! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
> 
> Frustrating! :scratchhead:


It is frustrating! I don't think it is possible to understand the reasoning behind their thought processes. You just have to let them go and move on. Their thinking isn't logical at all. I totally understand the banging your head against a wall trying to understand them.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Talk to him but be advised, it's going to be hard living under the same roof.

I never went back for financial reasons. I couldn't imagine it. 
Plus I have a lot of pride. And my ex husband does _very_ well financially. I know a lot of women would stay for this reason. I once told him to shove his Mercedes up his ass. And believe me, I fantasized about going all Angela Bassett from _Waiting to Exhale_ on him. But yeah...didn't follow through.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Thanks guys...this is so hard. I don't miss our relationship, but I do miss what we used to be. We've both changed and I know u can't go back....all I wish is that he'd try but its painfully obvious he just isn't going to do anything he doesn't want to...and honestly, its always been that way...
So again, his written words are just that - words. I think he believes if it gets tough enough, I'll come running back - and seems he knows me pretty darn well. But I know I can't...I just can't go back to feeling unloved, unwanted, unappreciated etc etc etc 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

Having gone to counseling and in therapy now, I think if a man refuses to go he essentially isn't serious about doing anything. An addict can't fix himself and a marriage often can't either.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why are you paying his insurance still? Have you looked at a separation agreement, and what the finances will look like after the dust settles?

Sorry to hear about your issues... . But you know already that if he's refused therapy and is refusing to work on anything, then going back would not be a good idea.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

@Sprinter - I think you're right! I think he is VERY stubborn and doesn't believe I will go through with this....he's being so nice right now.....so frustrating!

@PBear - Our "open enrollment" won't roll around again until January. You can drop someone but there are conditions such as "death" "divorce" etc....plus my attorney advised me not to. So....maybe it's a strategic move - idk. IF A MAN OUT THERE WANTED TO SAVE HIS MARRIAGE - WOULDN'T HE AGREE TO THERAPY EVEN IF HE DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT? TO SAVE HIS MARRIAGE AND FAMILY??? This is what I am struggling with...and all the while, I feel like I am getting brain...well, messed with!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> Thanks guys...this is so hard. I don't miss our relationship, but I do miss what we used to be.


And that's just it--what you USED to be. Not what you are now. The past is done and gone. Either he commits to changing old dynamics and working together WITH you to restore your relatonship or...no dice.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I can think of a few reasons why a spouse might say they want to reconcile yet refuse to go to counseling. They might not feel counseling works, or will work for them. They might be afraid of what they might find out, or what questions will come up. Or they might be lieing about really wanting to reconcile, and just giving it lip service. What reasons does he give?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> And that's just it--what you USED to be. Not what you are now. The past is done and gone. Either he commits to changing old dynamics and working together WITH you to restore your relatonship or...no dice.


I think by his actions he's pretty much saying, "Screw you - it's my way or the highway" 

Anyone want shotgun? lol


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

PBear said:


> I can think of a few reasons why a spouse might say they want to reconcile yet refuse to go to counseling. They might not feel counseling works, or will work for them. They might be afraid of what they might find out, or what questions will come up. Or they might be lieing about really wanting to reconcile, and just giving it lip service. What reasons does he give?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


They are just out to make money. And they all learned it from a text book! That's his reasons! Laughed at me when I told him I was going for myself anyway....

*if I was faster on my feet, I should have said, "Well....don't go to a doctor then b/c that's where they learned from TEXT BOOKS" DUH lol


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