# Caught in the middle



## Jack321 (Jan 18, 2014)

I am stuck in the middle of a classic wife / MIL war. Its been going on for years and is now getting worse as we have two small children. 

My wife is threatened by my mother. My mother is threatened by my wife. And i am stuck playing mediator. 

My wife overreacts to things that my mom does, or doesnt do. She vents to me. I tell my mother to stop. And she gets defensive. And resentful bc she knows its coming from my wife. And the loop continues. 

I am partly to blame bc i always attempt to rationalize my moms actions as "she didnt mean to" or "she didnt know any better". I dont think my moms intentions are bad. My wife does. She interprets my rationalizing as me taking my moms side. 

My mother thinks that my wife is constantly looking for a fight. 

Ive read every article on this and know its a common dillema. Im tired of this dragging on (for years) and need a resolution. 

The easiest one is divorce, which comes at the expense of my kids and family. I dont see any other resolution aside from writing my mom off, which is not a fair option. 

Help!!!


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Jack321 said:


> The easiest one is divorce, which comes at the expense of my kids and family. I dont see any other resolution aside from writing my mom off, which is not a fair option.


Are you saying it would be easier to divorce your wife than "divorce" your Mother? 
You chose to marry your wife, you need to choose her. Doesn't mean she is always right but you should stand with her and support her and not let your mother become a problem. When you ask your mother to stop doing something you make sure she understands that it is a request from you both. Don't make your wife be the bad guy.


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

Jack321 said:


> I am stuck in the middle of a classic wife / MIL war. Its been going on for years and is now getting worse as we have two small children.
> 
> My wife is threatened by my mother. My mother is threatened by my wife. And i am stuck playing mediator.
> 
> ...


When you got married, you made a choice: back you wife against your mother. 

A son is a son until he takes a wife.

WWHT


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Meet with your mother face-to-face and tell her frankly, "Mom, I know you love me, you want the best for me, and you worry about me. I'm a father, I get where you're coming from. You need to back off with <wife's name>. The constant tension between you two is having a negative impact on MY marriage and MY children! Please do NOT criticize <wife's name> anymore; I know she's not perfect, none of us is. She *IS* trying and she makes me happy. PLEASE be happy FOR US and support our marriage and our family. I do NOT want to have to have this discussion again because I WILL side with MY WIFE for the sake of marital harmony and the children. BTW, I have already had a conversation with <wife's name> as well."

Then give her a hug, tell her you LOVE her, and LEAVE so she can mull it over.

Make sure you have a conversation with your wife letting her know that from now on, you are SIDING with HER. If she has been too thin-skinned, ask her (because she LOVES you and your kids) to grow a thicker skin. If she really HAS taken unnecessary abuse from your mother, apologize to her sincerely for not being more effective at stopping it sooner. 

If your mother does *NOT* stop harping, picking at, doing whatever it is that p*sses your wife off, then start reducing the family visits to her. Do *NOT* decide that you will just start visiting mom alone to avoid the trouble (maybe mom just wants you all to herself, IDK.) If your mom does not feel the 'pain' of EVERYONE visiting her less, she will not have the impetus to improve her behavior.

Just my 2 cents.

.


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## Jack321 (Jan 18, 2014)

Thanks for the responses. The level of interaction w/my mother is already extremely limited. Yet everytime we interact, my wife finds something to be annoyed at. In my opinion, the issues are petty beyond belief. Further, my wife believes they are malicious acts on my mothers part. What am i supposed to do? Take the irrational side for the sake of my family????


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Friction between wife and MIL is the way of the world since the beginning of time. Wives used to have to suck it up. Kind of like the Sultan's harem, where his mother ruled the roost and decided which wife was going to get action each night. Well, times have changed in the last 40 years with the advent of no fault divorce. 

Which one is being the most unreasonable?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Jack321 said:


> Thanks for the responses. The level of interaction w/my mother is already extremely limited. Yet everytime we interact, my wife finds something to be annoyed at. In my opinion, the issues are petty beyond belief. Further, my wife believes they are malicious acts on my mothers part. What am i supposed to do? Take the irrational side for the sake of my family????


So, your wife is making mountains out of molehills... my SIL does that, but she's a seriously messed up alcoholic.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Jack321 said:


> Thanks for the responses. The level of interaction w/my mother is already extremely limited. Yet everytime we interact, my wife finds something to be annoyed at. In my opinion, the issues are petty beyond belief. Further, my wife believes they are malicious acts on my mothers part. What am i supposed to do? Take the irrational side for the sake of my family????


If you know your wife is doing good you need to defend her, and keep your mother out of ya'lls business.

Some of your moms stuff you have to learn to ignore and I would minimize interactions. Just worry about your life with your own family.


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## Jack321 (Jan 18, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> Friction between wife and MIL is the way of the world since the beginning of time. Wives used to have to suck it up. Kind of like the Sultan's harem, where his mother ruled the roost and decided which wife was going to get action each night. Well, times have changed in the last 40 years with the advent of no fault divorce.
> 
> Which one is being the most unreasonable?


I think both are in the wrong. But my wife is quick to claim ill intention on my moms actions. Neither has tried to build a relationship with the other. My mom is old school and thinks she has the right to be in our lives. And she applies a lot of guilt. My wife would love nothing more than my family to disappear. She has her family nearby and that's sufficient for her. Again, at the expense of our kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sounds like you married someone just like your mother. They both sound controlling and childish.

put your foot down.


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## Jack321 (Jan 18, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> sounds like you married someone just like your mother. They both sound controlling and childish.
> 
> put your foot down.


Foot down with who?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Jack321 said:


> Foot down with who?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The mom first. Get her out of their personal business.

And the wife shouldn't be trying to go over there starting anything.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

both of them!

trust yourself when either one of them act unreasonable call them on it as soon as they do it.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Do you have some examples?

Basically, you are going to have to draw some lines. Mom gets no say about a large number of things that it sounds like she feels she has a right to dictate, or meddle. You have been ineffective for long enough at drawing these lines with your mother, that your wife has given up on you standing up for her, so now she does it herself, and she takes it very personally, with an itchy trigger finger.

If you stand up to your mom, and tell her to live her own life, and do this consistently and effectively, your wife will calm down and trust you. Will your mom be offended? Yes, most definitely. So what? That's her problem. Until she accepts you and your wife are self determined adults, who make their own choices, she will try to run your life. You should be kind, but you must be resolute. It might take a few times of packing up the family and leaving, and not returning until you get an apology, but that will be your mom's choice. Set your boundaries and defend them.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Ps, I agree, you should have a good talk with your wife about this plan, and agree on what the boundaries should be. Then go have the talk with your mother. Make it clear that you feel her behaviour is unacceptable any longer, and you will not put up with it. You want her to continue to be a part of your family's life, but you will not tolerate her meddling in it. If she is defensive, again, so what? You don't control her. She doesn't control you. She has her choices to make, you have yours. Communicate your expectations clearly, outline the consequences clearly, and then it will be up to her to make her choices.


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## Jack321 (Jan 18, 2014)

A recent example:

My mom decided to open an investment account for our recent baby. She told my wife she was going to open one and my wife said not to - that we were going to use a different investment approach. Turns out my mom had already opened it but not fessed up to it. 

Weeks later, my mom tells us she opened it and that its under her and my name. My wife went crazy (to me). My mom claims its under her name and that theres only 1 other person she could list as a contact. My wife claims my mom is treating her like some ho that lives with me. Welcome to my world.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Jack321 said:


> The easiest one is divorce, which comes at the expense of my kids and family. I dont see any other resolution aside from writing my mom off, which is not a fair option.
> 
> Help!!!


So wait, it's more fair to divorce your wife and destroy your childrens family than it is to get your mother out of your business?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Jack321 said:


> A recent example:
> 
> My mom decided to open an investment account for our recent baby. She told my wife she was going to open one and my wife said not to - that we were going to use a different investment approach. Turns out my mom had already opened it but not fessed up to it.
> 
> Weeks later, my mom tells us she opened it and that its under her and my name. My wife went crazy (to me). My mom claims its under her name and that theres only 1 other person she could list as a contact. My wife claims my mom is treating her like some ho that lives with me. Welcome to my world.


Great example for us to work with, Jack!

*To wife:* "As mom is investing her OWN money as a gift to our baby, it is not any of OUR business how she chooses to do that. OUR investment strategy is for OUR money; mom is free to do as she pleases. It is not for us to dictate terms of a gift."

*To mom:* "Please take my name off of the investment for <baby's name> and leave it in your name only. If something unforeseen happens and you need the money for yourself, you should be able to access it with all possible haste." Or, suggest she put your father's name on it, or her husband's, or the baby's. Anyone's name except yours.


BTW, it *does* seem like your wife is a drama queen (because her name is not on an account, she's a live-in 'ho?!?) You could straight up tell her to quit being a drama queen, quit looking for reasons to be offended over EVERYTHING and ask her how behaving like *THIS* is going to help your child(ren) in the long-run? Ask her how her taking offense at EVERYTHING is productive, nurturing, helpful, mature, a good role-model for children? Stand there and wait for an explanation. If she hasn't got one, tell her to stop displaying the kind of childish behavior she would chastise the children for (he touched me, she's looking at me funny, I had it first, he started it, blah, blah, blah...)


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## Jack321 (Jan 18, 2014)

Sounds like the solution is for me to a) take my wife's side / create more boundaries with my mom and b) diffuse my wife's drama before it becomes a big deal. In the past, I would pass my wife's drama onto my parents b/c I didn't want to be stuck in the middle. Seems like there's permanent damage from that. 

I think a and b are two separate issues, yet at the same time related as my wife's drama escalates the more i 'defend' or 'rationalize' my mom's actions.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I have an overly critical, meddling mother in law, who thinks she has the right to know everything about our private business.

She's been offensive so many times, stuck her nose in where it doesn't belong and been rude and critical towards us, that honestly, now practically everything she says/does I react to. Not to her, but to my husband. Most of the time he's as shocked as I am, but sometimes he genuinely can't see that she was trying to manipulate him or the situation. He really can't. I look at him and think wtf?

The good part is, he has my back - you don't have your wife's back.

Your mother needs to butt out and mind her own business - and you need to tell her to, and then make sure she does.

Your wife will then start to trust that you have her back, and won't be so reactive with your mum.

YOU need to not take your business to your mum...it makes it so much worse for your wife when you do that.

When you marry, your wife becomes your immediate family. Your parents become your extended family. If they play nice they get invited into your life, if they don't, they're on the outer (not cut off, but not invited in so often).

Wife first. Mum second.


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