# Date tonight - don't want to go



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I need some words to say to someone. Have been hanging out with a guy for awhile now, in a friendship capacity only. I really like him; he's a good person (I think, anyways), but am pretty much interested in him as a friend only. He's invited himself over to my house for tonight, and is hoping for and very excited for a movie and snuggle evening. I have no desire to give him this, and am uncomfortable with the idea. He doesn't have my address yet, and I don't want to give it out to him, at least not at this time. I need an excuse to get out of tonight. I've thought of a family emergency, and a friend emergency (a girlfriend has a very sick Dad), or just telling him the truth. I saw him this week, and expressed worry about Friday evening, but he assured me he could reign himself in. 

I've also had a "man" ask me for sex in exchange for payment through Match this week, and this makes me really leery about online dating now. I've reported and blocked this dude. I'm not sure if this is clouding my judgement on the other guy above though.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Just tell him that you are sorry and you'll have to cancel because you had something come up. When he asks what, just say it's personal. 

BTW, since you view him as only a potential friend and he wants a romantic relationship with you, you should stop seeing him completely or he's going to try to progress things. Ghost this dude!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You are under no obligation to allow anyone into your home or your arms for that matter. Don’t be “nice”about this. Tell him straight out you are not meeting him.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> You are under no obligation to allow anyone into your home or your arms for that matter. Don’t be “nice”about this. Tell him straight out you are not meeting him.


Correct Sir !!!! Ghost him if you must!


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Tell him the truth. You see him as a fried and you don't cuddle with friends.

If he gets mad and acts likecan ass then good riddens!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

So this guy _invited himself_ to your home for a Netflix and chill evening? You say you don't want to date him and, I'm guessing, also don't want to have sex with him. The self-invite to your home for the evening indicates that he's hoping for sex, and might even be planning for sex. No matter how many times he assures you that he can "reign himself in". And this is, apparently a first date?!?! Is this really someone you want in your home? He sounds more like a predator than a friend.

You don't want to date this guy. And that is perfectly okay. So, why not just tell him "no"? Say that while you think of him as a friend, you aren't interested in anything more with him. And don't allow him to come to your home. You're not helpless here. You have the right to control who you date or do not date. You have the right to control who visits your home or does not. And you do not owe him, or any other man, anything.

OP, have you thought about perhaps talking with a therapist about your self-esteem issues and your obvious reluctance to have and maintain boundaries? You seem to be really uncomfortable with establishing boundaries and being honest about them with other people. It really is okay to tell people "no" and to not do things you don't want to do. Do it politely, don't be unnecessarily mean or cruel, but be honest. It can be hard to have the self-confidence to pull that off, but it's something you absolutely need to have, and something you can work on and create for yourself. I really think you might benefit from working on your self-esteem and boundary setting and enforcement with a good therapist.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

Ursula said:


> I need some words to say to someone. Have been hanging out with a guy for awhile now, in a friendship capacity only. I really like him; he's a good person (I think, anyways), but am pretty much interested in him as a friend only. He's invited himself over to my house for tonight, and is hoping for and very excited for a movie and snuggle evening. I have no desire to give him this, and am uncomfortable with the idea. He doesn't have my address yet, and I don't want to give it out to him, at least not at this time. I need an excuse to get out of tonight. I've thought of a family emergency, and a friend emergency (a girlfriend has a very sick Dad), *or just telling him the truth.*


Bingo. You sell yourself (and others) short every time you are unable to "just tell the truth". This difficulty to be honest out of "kindness" may be sabotaging you in ways you are not fully comprehending yet.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

Phone conversation with this man-

"Hey So-and So, it's me, Ursula. Yeah, listen... I thought about it and I don't want you coming over. I think your a cool guy and all, but I'm not interested in any kind of relationship with you. No no, no problem at all. Okay, see you around".

Done. Oh, and don't become a prostitute.


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## Um Excuse Me (Feb 3, 2018)

Learn how to say "no" and enjoy it. Seriously, though. This guy (turd) invites himself over to your place for a movie and "snuggle"? Next thing you know he's inviting himself inside of you. Is that what you want? I don't think so. I'm a guy, and some guys can be pigs. This guy reeks of manure.

To me, he shows a sign of unacceptable boldness and might not be able to accept "no" for an answer before or after he begins "snuggling".

Best of luck to you with your future dating endeavors.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Rowan said:


> So this guy *invited himself to your home for a Netflix and chill evening?* You say you don't want to date him and, I'm guessing, also don't want to have sex with him. The self-invite to your home for the evening indicates that he's hoping for sex, and might even be planning for sex. No matter how many times he assures you that he can "reign himself in". *And this is, apparently a first date?!?!* Is this really someone you want in your home? He sounds more like a predator than a friend.
> 
> You don't want to date this guy. And that is perfectly okay. So, why not just tell him "no"? Say that while you think of him as a friend, you aren't interested in anything more with him. And don't allow him to come to your home. You're not helpless here. You have the right to control who you date or do not date. You have the right to control who visits your home or does not. And you do not owe him, or any other man, anything.
> 
> OP, have you thought about perhaps talking with a therapist about your self-esteem issues and your obvious reluctance to have and maintain boundaries? You seem to be really uncomfortable with establishing boundaries and being honest about them with other people. It really is okay to tell people "no" and to not do things you don't want to do. Do it politely, don't be unnecessarily mean or cruel, but be honest. It can be hard to have the self-confidence to pull that off, but it's something you absolutely need to have, and something you can work on and create for yourself. I really think you might benefit from working on your self-esteem and boundary setting and enforcement with a good therapist.


Yes, pretty much. Last weekend, he suggested getting together this coming weekend, and I had said that I would "possibly be okay" with having him over to my place. Not definitely, possibly. He lives with his Mom, Grandma and brother, so obviously that would be really uncomfortable. No, I have no desire to have sex with him or date him. No, this isn't a first "date", to confirm, we've hung out a number of times in a friendship capacity (going for walks, skating, skiing). This isn't really something that I feel like I should do over text just because we've hung out so many times. I also don't want to ruin his workday, so maybe I'll wait until later. 

I have thought about talking to my therapist about helping me to set boundaries. This is something that I have problems with in more than this regard. I've always had problems setting boundaries with my parents and at times, my sister, too. My self esteem is okay, I think. It's strong enough to know my worth and to shoot down that other dude to solicited me for sex, and it was strong enough to know that I needed to report that stinker and possibly save another not-as-strong woman from going through that.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Oh, I should also say that I really don't want to just ghost him. I've recently had that done to me, and it doesn't feel good. I don't want to put anyone through that.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Ursula said:


> I need some words to say to someone. Have been hanging out with a guy for awhile now, in a friendship capacity only. I really like him; he's a good person (I think, anyways), but am pretty much interested in him as a friend only. He's invited himself over to my house for tonight, and is hoping for and very excited for a movie and snuggle evening. I have no desire to give him this, and am uncomfortable with the idea. He doesn't have my address yet, and I don't want to give it out to him, at least not at this time. I need an excuse to get out of tonight. I've thought of a family emergency, and a friend emergency (a girlfriend has a very sick Dad), or* just telling him the truth*. I saw him this week, and expressed worry about Friday evening, but he assured me he could reign himself in.
> 
> I've also had a "man" ask me for sex in exchange for payment through Match this week, and this makes me really leery about online dating now. I've reported and blocked this dude. I'm not sure if this is clouding my judgement on the other guy above though.


You're a grown up. I suggest the bolded above.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If this hasn't gone beyond friendship yet, then it really is OK to tell him that you just aren't ready for more now. 

He may vanish as a friend, but that is better than finding yourself in an intimate situation you don't want to be in. 

A clear "no" is often much kinder than stringing someone along with things unclear.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Just be honest! Honesty is the only way to go. Just say hey I need to clarify I am only interested in friendship with you. Probably best we don’t see each other tonight and get in touch next week. I applaud you for not ghosting. It’s the coward way out for those who can’t adult.

As for the guy who offered you sex for money I wouldn’t let that jade you. Thousands of guys online date some will be creeps and others won’t just like real life dating. I could write a book about scuzzy things women have done or tried with me online dating lol. Gotta wade through the crap to get to prize no matter the gender .


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> Just be honest! Honesty is the only way to go. Just say hey I need to clarify I am only interested in friendship with you. Probably best we don’t see each other tonight and get in touch next week. I applaud you for not ghosting. It’s the coward way out for those who can’t adult.
> 
> As for the guy who offered you sex for money I wouldn’t let that jade you. Thousands of guys online date some will be creeps and others won’t just like real life dating. I could write a book about scuzzy things women have done or tried with me online dating lol. *Gotta wade through the crap to get to prize no matter the gender .*


Good Lord, how true! If some guys online are like that, I can imagine that there are also women online like that as well. I shake my head, and it's sad because it messes it up for those of us online who are actually genuine. Thank-you; I also applaud me for not ghosting, as it's totally a cowards way out. I'm just not sure if I should text this guy or wait until after work to call. I feel like this deserves a call, but I know he's expecting my address at some point today. I just don't want to ruin his day. Here's what I've come up with (for a text):

"Hey XXX, so about tonight, I'm just really not ready to have you over to my house, and I think that we're both in very different positions regarding "us". I would love a friendship, but am not able to give more than that at this time, and I think that you want more than just friendship. I would still like to hang out with you when we're able to do so, but am just not feeling any romantic notions at this time. I'm sorry to disappoint/hurt you; that's the last thing I want, but I also don't want to string you along, and feel the need to be 100% honest."


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Please don't offer him a friendship. That's what women do to try to let guys down easy and it's what beta males accept while hoping you'll change your mind. IMO it's dishonest on both sides and people should strive for more direct/open communication. 

How about instead texting "Hey XXX, so about tonight, I'm just really not ready to have you over to my house, and I think that we're both in very different positions regarding "us". I'm sorry to disappoint/hurt you, that's the last thing I want, but I also don't want to string you along, and feel the need to be 100% honest."


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Tell him the truth. And if you do want to be friends with him that's fine, but I have a feeling that when you don't offer up sex to him, he will be the one ghosting you. And I secondly applaud you for not ghosting him. I've had that done to me and it sucks. You can do this. Just tell him the truth.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Do you not already have friends ? Why go to a dating website to find friends ? If he is not romantic material for you AND you already have friends, let him know. If you do not have friends and are just looking for friends, again let him know. Tell him that at this stage you are looking for compatible friendships and nothing more and are definitely not ready to have people come to your house.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

any excuse you give him will just make him reset and try again later.

just tell him you are not interested in him that way and would rather not.

Let him heal over it, and move on instead of constantly trying to get you


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Why in the world do you feel the need to create an excuse?? Good gosh just tell the guy you aren't feeling it and it's best if you just bow out. If he gets ****ty about it that's his problem, not yours.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Netflix and chill? No.

Netflix and chili... Esp Skyline Chili.. let's reconsider


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Sent him a text, and feel awful about hurting him, but that's just me; I don't like hurting people. Just heard back from him, and he's understanding and even though he wants more, he would like a friendship. I would be open to this, as we haven't crossed any lines that would prevent us from being just friends. He also apologized for coming on too strongly at times, which is a relief because boy, did he come on strong at times.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Good job. I think you would have felt more horrible about lying to him.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Ursula said:


> Sent him a text, and feel awful about hurting him, but that's just me; I don't like hurting people. Just heard back from him, and he's understanding and even though he wants more, he would like a friendship. I would be open to this, as we haven't crossed any lines that would prevent us from being just friends. He also apologized for coming on too strongly at times, which is a relief because boy, did he come on strong at times.


That he knows he came on too strong, and then invited himself over, are indications that he may have some real problems respecting boundaries. As you seem to have issues protecting your own boundaries, I wouldn't really suggest you try to maintain a friendship with him. Clearly, he wants more. By agreeing to stay "just friends" he's hoping you'll eventually change your mind. And he may have no problems continuing to push your boundaries a bit in an effort to wear you down.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Ursula said:


> Sent him a text, and feel awful about hurting him, but that's just me; I don't like hurting people. Just heard back from him, and he's understanding and even though he wants more, he would like a friendship. I would be open to this, as we haven't crossed any lines that would prevent us from being just friends. He also apologized for coming on too strongly at times, which is a relief because boy, did he come on strong at times.


Look, the "lets just be friends" is an evil ploy against men. Some 'nice' guys just think they need to prove themselves more and will continue to try to get you. 

If you arent attracted to him, dont play the "lets be friends" game..... Now, theres nothing wrong with being cordial... but dont hang out and chat on the phone and lead him on. It will only get worse for both of you and he will come on even stronger down the road

Good work on telling him straight, even if its against your nature. I would suggest reading a book called "when I say no, i feel guilty" -> It will really help someone like you... It's helped me, and i never felt guilty to begin with


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I am in 100% agreement with everyone on this thread who has said don't lie, don't make an excuse, don't come up with a story or emergency, etc.

It is disrespectful. Hugely disrespectful. Always better to say straight up "i'm not interested in dating you" and leave it at that. 

If he's actually self delusional enough to think you really do have an emergency, then he'll think he still has a chance... and he'll be back. Gotta' nip that right in the bud. You only want to have to fend him off once.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Rowan, I think you may be right in that he also has issues with boundaries, which means that I will really have to have my guard up. I genuinely enjoy his company, but will have to put the brakes on if he pushes.
@Steve2.0, I'm honestly not trying to be evil in this situation, but get where you're coming from. I won't be chatting with him every night, as that was part of the issue with him to begin with... 1-1.5 hour phone conversations that I don't have time for. Thanks for the book suggestion, I'll amazon.ca it today!


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

He sounds like he accepted it well. He might be an ok guy after all!

Good for you being honest and straight with him. And good for him in realizing he came on a bit strong.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Ursula said:


> Just heard back from him, and he's understanding and even though he wants more, he would like a friendship. I would be open to this, as we haven't crossed any lines that would prevent us from being just friends.


You are going to have to start pulling away and end contact. There's no way he is just going to be 'friends'. He only said that because he wants to stay in your orbit and keep trying to win you over. Based on how he's acting, he is always going to want sex and won't be satisfied as just being friends. He may pretend he's okay with just walks and going to the movies, but he's going to keep wanting more. And if you ever tell him about people you're dating (like you would a friend), he'll blow up at you because you dared to date someone else other than him.

It's best for both of you to end it unless you want to keep the romantic option open. There is no other option for a relationship here.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You won't ruin his day....kindly, that's putting too much on yourself.
Some red flags here.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Argh, just tell him the truth already!!! Anything less is either leading him on, or simply rude (ghosting).

If he wants to stay in orbit let him stay in orbit, that's his bloody problem. Sooner or later he'll get the hint.

Even better, get another guy, and have the orbiter carry your shopping!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

\Just tell him the truth. Why do you need to lie?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Thank you for fessing up.

Perhaps you might ponder why you felt timid about telling him how you felt, or didn't feel, about him. Why did you feel you needed to make an excuse? Such as the proverbial need to wash your hair that night.

I've always wondered why some people feel that need, while others find it easy to just let it all hang out, so to speak.

As one might guess, I find it extremely easy to say what I think. I never worry at all about hurting people's feelings, I guess. But people around me don't seem to be hurt often. If anything they seem to appreciate the honesty.

So I don't quite believe it is anything to do with trying to keep from hurting someone else's feelings. It's more to do with the person who is saying she has to wash her hair on Friday night.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@Ursula,tell him the truth.
It's good practice anyway. People need to both learn to dish and also accept, rejection.

I've found that it's best to be absolutely direct with a man in this regard. Give no opportunity for "interpretation."


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

You shouldn’t have left the friendship option open. Men hate being friend zoned. Men do not want women as just friends unless they are gay. Now you will have to slowly disengage by 1) don’t ask him out for activities as before & 2) decline 75% of the time he asks until he stops asking.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hope you told him the truth.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Yup, I'd add to this perhaps stop "hanging out" for a while. 

You knew what he wanted, let's be clear, his coming on strong to you was a clear indicator, it's also very rare that dudes that want to bang then get let down actually become real friends.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Ursula said:


> Sent him a text, and feel awful about hurting him, but that's just me; I don't like hurting people. Just heard back from him, and he's understanding and even though he wants more, he would like a friendship. I would be open to this, as we haven't crossed any lines that would prevent us from being just friends. He also apologized for coming on too strongly at times, which is a relief because boy, did he come on strong at times.


I'm going to translate this for you. 

"Crap - I ****ed up. I couldn't keep my paws to myself and she's not interested in having me over her house where I can paw at her again while pretending to be fascinated with the movie we're watching. So, I'll play it cool, pretend that friendship is all I want, and once we start hanging out together again, I'll use that time to persuade her to change her mind."

He's not looking to be your friend. :grin2:


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'm going to translate this for you.
> 
> "Crap - I ****ed up. I couldn't keep my paws to myself and she's not interested in having me over her house where I can paw at her again while pretending to be fascinated with the movie we're watching. So, I'll play it cool, pretend that friendship is all I want, and once we start hanging out together again, I'll use that time to persuade her to change her mind."
> 
> He's not looking to be your friend. :grin2:


I didn't get that at all, he sounds like a nice guy.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> I didn't get that at all, he sounds like a nice guy.


And you know what they say about nice guys


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> And you know what they say about nice guys


What do they say?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I didn't get that at all, he sounds like a nice guy.


This is something that many women don't understand. She will often think that a guy is just being nice and friendly, but he is secretly pining on her. There's even memes for friendzone, where it's examples of guys doing extravagant things for a woman and the woman thinks he's just being nice. "Oh, look at this iPhone and expensive purse Gary bought for me. He's the best friend in the world! I hope I be with a guy as nice as him one day!"

Certainly men and women can be friends, but not in this case. If a man has expressed interest like this, he can't be just friends. The only exception would be if they had a relationship and then decided they weren't right for each other and broke up. In that case they could be friends, but it's because they know they aren't right romantically (e.g Seinfeld and Elaine).


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> What do they say?


:rofl: Hahaha Diana you are so innocent and cute... nah, I don't think I'll corrupt you, not this time at least lol


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

wilson said:


> This is something that many women don't understand. She will often think that a guy is just being nice and friendly, but he is secretly pining on her. There's even memes for friendzone, where it's examples of guys doing extravagant things for a woman and the woman thinks he's just being nice. "Oh, look at this iPhone and expensive purse Gary bought for me. He's the best friend in the world! I hope I be with a guy as nice as him one day!"
> 
> Certainly men and women can be friends, but not in this case. If a man has expressed interest like this, he can't be just friends. The only exception would be if they had a relationship and then decided they weren't right for each other and broke up. In that case they could be friends, but it's because they know they aren't right romantically (e.g Seinfeld and Elaine).



I just don't understand why there are significant numbers of women who don't understand this concept. Hell, how many "chick flicks" are there where girl protagonist gets a lot of heartache by jerky guys while being supported by her male "best buddy", only to discover at the end of the movie that the man for her was under her nose the whole time--her best friend who she ignored all along!?!

You don't think these guys hope for a happy ending like that for themselves? They're not evil, just clueless--they've just swallowed the fairy tale ending of all the rom-com chick flicks.

Since women watch all these movies, you'd think they'd recognize the plot by now.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

wilson said:


> This is something that many women don't understand. She will often think that a guy is just being nice and friendly, but he is secretly pining on her. There's even memes for friendzone, where it's examples of guys doing extravagant things for a woman and the woman thinks he's just being nice. "Oh, look at this iPhone and expensive purse Gary bought for me. He's the best friend in the world! I hope I be with a guy as nice as him one day!"
> 
> Certainly men and women can be friends, but not in this case. If a man has expressed interest like this, he can't be just friends. The only exception would be if they had a relationship and then decided they weren't right for each other and broke up. In that case they could be friends, but it's because they know they aren't right romantically (e.g Seinfeld and Elaine).



You know, as I think about this further, a cynical thought came to me. Maybe many of these women DO understand that the guy is hoping for a romantic relationship, and she keeps in him the friendzone in order to ruthlessly exploit his hopes---have him do favors for her, buy her gifts, in the hope of winning her heart.....which she has no intention of ever have happen.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Wolfman1968 said:


> You know, as I think about this further, a cynical thought came to me. Maybe many of these women DO understand that the guy is hoping for a romantic relationship, and she keeps in him the friendzone in order to ruthlessly exploit his hopes---have him do favors for her, buy her gifts, in the hope of winning her heart.....which she has no intention of ever have happen.


In all my 50 years, I've never known a woman to behave this way.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

In my 50+ years I have. Guys buying lunch/dinner and paying.
Guys taking women to movies, giving them rides to and from work
when their car is in the shop etc. The guy still has hope of something 
happening but the girl just has no interest. I have even heard women
say I will just call my friend such and such he will do it for me, but were 
just friends.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

In my 45 yrs, I’ve seen it repeatedly.

Some people are just users. Women don’t have a monopoly on it. Guys do it too.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Users? I dunno if I would use so strong a word.

One of my cousins had quite a few orbiters. She made it clear her intentions to each one, and I'd say its the guy's fault if he continues to hope beyond what he can have. Eventually she gave one of them a chance, and she wasn't happy, not one bit. After they broke up, she found someone finally, 'the one', and now married with children. I wouldn't say for any reason she was a bad person.

If the guy wants to hang on for some slim hope that's his choice, and sometimes, it does work out. The woman shouldn't be blamed for it.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Yes a lot of people do ti. You have to be careful who you have
as friends.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@Ursula ,

Congrats you have just successfully launched your "friend" into orbiter orbit, by friend-zoning him. If you really think he's a good guy do him a favor and burst his bubble. It would be for his own good. He's wasting time on someone he has no chance with when he could be using that time to find someone who is interested in him romantically.
Oh yeah, and don't suggest "maybe coming over" if you aren't 100% on the idea because a guy who is interested in you is going to take that as a "yeah, c'mon on over". You kinda put yourself in that predicament. I guess there are plenty of female "nice guys" as well.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Rubix Cubed said:


> @Ursula ,
> 
> Congrats you have just successfully launched your "friend" into orbiter orbit, by friend-zoning him. If you really think he's a good guy do him a favor and burst his bubble. It would be for his own good. He's wasting time on someone he has no chance with when he could be using that time to find someone who is interested in him romantically.


Nooo! Then who's gonna carry the shopping? lol


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

sa58 said:


> In my 50+ years I have. Guys buying lunch/dinner and paying.
> Guys taking women to movies, giving them rides to and from work
> when their car is in the shop etc. *The guy still has hope of something
> happening but the girl just has no interest.* I have even heard women
> ...


All of you who say this is a common thing, and that you've heard of this type of behavior happening a lot - we must hang out with very different sorts of people. Or maybe others aren't willing to share such nonsense with me because I'd say something.

I've never had a man or woman tell me they were deliberately using someone they had no interest in. I've read about it a lot, but I've not experienced it secondhand.

The bolded above - to me, a guy who's dating has a responsibility _to himself_ to initiate a conversation about intent in order to discover a person's level of interest. 

And, maybe I'm missing the full picture you're presenting in your last sentence, but a female calling a guy asking for a favor isn't necessarily 'using' him. 

If a man senses he's being used as a convenience, it's up to him to ask questions and/or say 'no'. To say yes in hopes of some relationship developing down the line is really no less self-serving than the woman asking.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Movies and television shows have no relevance to reality. They are just the whacked out insanity of some drugged up playwrights who couldn’t get a date without buying it.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Ursula, good job on saying NO.

Now does he have any cute friends?


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

Wolfman1968 said:


> You know, as I think about this further, a cynical thought came to me. Maybe many of these women DO understand that the guy is hoping for a romantic relationship, and she keeps in him the friendzone in order to ruthlessly exploit his hopes---have him do favors for her, buy her gifts, in the hope of winning her heart.....which she has no intention of ever have happen.


Although harshly stated, we are watching that very thing with the OP. 

She mentioned four specific incidents of "hanging out". At least twice he was really aggressive and a third time then with the week-end "snuggle" request. So this borders on incessant romantic advances.

Feelings are facts. You have to be an utter moron to think you can turn feelings off as if to stop the rain from falling by saying you disagree with it.

Since the guy is happy to back off and pretend he's just a friend, it is easy to justify manipulating him. They aren't on the debate team together or co-workers or officers in the same political party or club. She's got no thematic purpose that would compel them to be close. It's just wonderful to have fans. 

It's dysfunctional on both sides. A guy needs to be protective of his scarce time and know women can be this way. She has professional counseling advice to be better about boundaries herself, and one of them is not having "friends" who are incessant about getting down your pants. 

"I like it" isn't the condition for wise behavior. 

Let him go, honey. All the way. The temptation to keep stringing him along with feints of interest and mixed signals with plausible deniability is just too great. It will erode your character.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

So, I told him the truth, and he asked if we could talk over coffee on Friday evening instead. I said okay, and met him in the evening. It was nice to talk; he almost started crying, so I know his feelings were genuine, but it was way too much, way too soon, and he now realizes that. He showed some of his texts to a buddy who apparently confirmed that.
@Edmund, this guys didn't mind being friend zoned, in fact he thanked me for wanting to be friends, and said that if I hadn't included that, he'd have had to go back to therapy. By the end of the evening though, he had asked about getting together later in the weekend.
@WilliamM, that's great that you speak your mind with no regard for others, and that's even better that those around you are okay with that. I also appreciate honesty, but not when it's doled out rudely. Also, I actually do feel for the guy, and genuinely don't want to hurt him. This was in no way about needing to "wash my hair", but about pondering how to tell someone nicely that it's too much too soon. His ex-wife and my ex-husband sound like 2 peas in a pod, and we've both been hurt by them. I wanted to show this Match guy that not all women are yellers who need to get their way.
@She'sStillGotIt, you may be right, and will have to be more aware of actions. His paws have never strayed over to me; he was overly affectionate/attentive in other ways, which he now realizes. He is a VERY nice guy, and as I've learned, very inexperienced with dating. His only girlfriend was his ex-wife; he hasn't dated since the divorce, so he still may be stuck in the early 20s mindset of what dating entails. 
@Wolfman1968, you may be onto something here. This guy is a self-professed rom-com junkie. It's pretty much all he watches, and his favourite TV shows are shows like Heartland, Call the Midwife (neither of which I've seen), Anne of Green Gables and Gilmore Girls. While this does have a certain attractiveness to it, it's also a little weird. I wouldn't have to convince him that Gilmore Girls IS a fantastic show, and that we should watch an episode. Hell, this guy would be up for an entire GG marathon! And for the record, no, I 110% don't expect favours, gifts, etc., in hopes of winning my heart. Things like that make me uncomfortable in normal circumstances.
@sa58, not this woman. The only man that I ever somewhat expected some help/contribution from was my husband (now ex-husband), and I didn't get that type of thing from him, so why would I expect it from anyone else? Answer: I don't, nor would I ever ask for anything unless I ever got married again.
@Rubix Cubed, I don't believe this calls for congratulations, even if it is sarcastic. I laid it on the line to him, let him know that I've been seeing other men for casual coffee dates, but am keeping things on the down low with all of them. I'll continue to do that until someone makes a move towards exclusivity. This particular guy knew from the get-go (like before we even met) that I want to try to have my own kids (he's had a vasectomy that he doesn't plan on reversing), and that I won't date someone who lives with parental units (he's 35 and lives with his mom and grandma). I told him flat out on the Match app, and then again in person. I gave him zero indication that I wanted to be physically intimate with him, while he told me about his dreams of holding my hand and kissing me. I feel that I was upfront from the start, whereas he jumped in with both feet. The reason I kept hanging out with him is because of his good natured, happy personality, and I thought that maybe if I got to know him as a person, that his kids would be enough for me, and that I'd be OK with not trying for my own, and I'd be OK with going to visit him, his mom and his grandma. I've found that I'm not OK with it though, and there's nothing wrong with that. As to the "possibly be okay" with him coming over; to me that wasn't definite. Plus, if someone said that to me, there's no way that I'd just invite myself over.
@[email protected], how can you be watching me ask him for favours and accepting gifts from him when that's never happened? Shouldn't we all be responsible for our own feelings? I can't help the fact that he fell fast and hard; only he has control over that. I've been there, done that, learned from it, and don't do it anymore because it hurts when those feelings aren't reciprocated. I'm also not manipulating him. He knows I'm seeing others, and he's said he's going to do the same. If he doesn't, that's his choice.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

minimalME said:


> In all my 50 years, I've never known a woman to behave this way.





minimalME said:


> All of you who say this is a common thing, and that you've heard of this type of behavior happening a lot - we must hang out with very different sorts of people. Or maybe others aren't willing to share such nonsense with me because I'd say something.
> 
> I've never had a man or woman tell me they were deliberately using someone they had no interest in. I've read about it a lot, but I've not experienced it secondhand.
> 
> ...


Uh huh..... letting a guy buy you gifts and work his arse off for you in hopes of a relationship is HIS fault...right.
I agree. Letting someone use you is your own fault. But it doesn’t relieve the user from the title of user. I DON’T accept gifts, or ask favors of women who I know are interested in dating me It’s wrong. I’m taking advantage of their feelings for me. I could have done it many tImes when I was single...

I disagree with being a schmuck, and with being a user. Neither is excused. But I think the user is worse. Jmo.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Ursula said:


> So, I told him the truth, and he asked if we could talk over coffee on Friday evening instead. I said okay, and met him in the evening. It was nice to talk; he almost started crying, so I know his feelings were genuine, but it was way too much, way too soon, and he now realizes that. He showed some of his texts to a buddy who apparently confirmed that.
> 
> @Edmund, this guys didn't mind being friend zoned, in fact he thanked me for wanting to be friends, and said that if I hadn't included that, he'd have had to go back to therapy. By the end of the evening though, he had asked about getting together later in the weekend.
> 
> ...


Ursula, you went out on 4 dates with the guy, knowing he lived with his grandma and couldn’t have kids. You demonstrated interest by going out with him more than a couple of times? Why did it take 4 dates to tell him you’re not interested?

Yes, he’s clearly not dating material. But you’d better be more careful, he could become a stalker. And you’ve got to try not to be so damned irresistible..... &#55357;&#56833;

Just my opinion.....

Btw, why are you saying you’re looking for a guy to show a desire for exclusivity before dating? You had one do that, yet kept dating... 
I’m confused.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> Uh huh..... letting a guy buy you gifts and work his arse off for you *in hopes* of a relationship is HIS fault...right.
> I agree. Letting someone use you is your own fault. But it doesn’t relieve the user from the title of user. I DON’T accept gifts, or ask favors of women who I know are interested in dating me It’s wrong. I’m taking advantage of their feelings for me. I could have done it many tImes when I was single...
> 
> I disagree with being a schmuck, and with being a user. Neither is excused. But I think the user is worse. Jmo.


Yes, it is his fault. 

Grow up. Stop making assumptions. ASK!!! Speak. Have a voice and a say in your own life.

If I assume that just because I have sex with a guy, he's going to marry me, who's problem is that? Where do you put the blame then? (Totally rhetorical - I know the answer!)

People today _are not _communicating their wants and intentions, and then _after_ xyz happens, _then_ they want to lay blame. 

Take responsibility for your decisions. 

But noooo. People don't do that. Why? Because it interferes with the fantasy they have playing in their heads.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Ursula said:


> @Rubix Cubed, I don't believe this calls for congratulations, even if it is sarcastic. I laid it on the line to him, let him know that I've been seeing other men for casual coffee dates, but am keeping things on the down low with all of them. I'll continue to do that until someone makes a move towards exclusivity. *This particular guy knew from the get-go (like before we even met) that I want to try to have my own kids (he's had a vasectomy that he doesn't plan on reversing), and that I won't date someone who lives with parental units (he's 35 and lives with his mom and grandma). I told him flat out on the Match app, and then again in person. I gave him zero indication that I wanted to be physically intimate with him, while he told me about his dreams of holding my hand and kissing me.* I feel that I was upfront from the start, whereas he jumped in with both feet. *The reason I kept hanging out with him is because of his good natured, happy personality, and I thought that maybe if I got to know him as a person, that his kids would be enough for me, and that I'd be OK with not trying for my own, and I'd be OK with going to visit him, his mom and his grandma. I've found that I'm not OK with it though*, and there's nothing wrong with that. As to the "possibly be okay" with him coming over; to me that wasn't definite. Plus, if someone said that to me, there's no way that I'd just invite myself over.


 So you had definitive boundaries for what you expected in a "SO" and then violated your own boundaries to keep the relationship going. He's thinking "Well, she must not have really meant all that stuff, she's still interested in me." You lead him on, likely because you enjoyed the attention, and then get upset that he's more serious than you'd like him to be. How do you reconcile that? You can be incensed with my sarcasm, but you definitely have an orbiter of your own making. Look how your meeting went. He wanted to hook up the next day or two, and you didn't shut it down. So while you may tell him the "truth", your actions say something different.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

minimalME said:


> Yes, it is his fault.
> 
> Grow up. Stop making assumptions. ASK!!! Speak. Have a voice and a say in your own life.
> 
> ...


I got used by a woman recently that I was madly in love with. I never really understood why....she liked to use this “I don’t do tit for tat” comment....when I’d mention that I felt things were one sided in some aspects of the relationship....
She also told me early in the relationship tha being called a b was a deal breaker....
I wondered why that was brought up..... until l about a year and a half into the relationship.
Some people are like they are. They can’t help it. 
They don’t see how they really are, because their own perspective is the only one they are capable of seeing. 

I agree that being used is one’s own fault. But some people are good at being on the receiving end of things more often than not.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> I got used by a woman recently that I was madly in love with. I never really understood why....she liked to use this “I don’t do tit for tat” comment....when I’d mention that I felt things were one sided in some aspects of the relationship....
> She also told me early in the relationship tha being called a b was a deal breaker....
> I wondered why that was brought up..... until l about a year and a half into the relationship.
> Some people are like they are. They can’t help it.
> ...


I'm sorry she treated you badly.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

Ursula said:


> @[email protected], how can you be watching me ask him for favours and accepting gifts from him when that's never happened? Shouldn't we all be responsible for our own feelings? I can't help the fact that he fell fast and hard; only he has control over that. I've been there, done that, learned from it, and don't do it anymore because it hurts when those feelings aren't reciprocated. I'm also not manipulating him. He knows I'm seeing others, and he's said he's going to do the same. If he doesn't, that's his choice.


Our time is by far the most precious gift we have. You like having a fan boy. It is the one thing you are not saying - how flattering it is to have attention - and instead rambling on with ridiculous stuff about how he is so nice, and his mom/grandma are too. Sheesh. I wasn't born yesterday, hon.

So start by being honest. You have nothing, absolutely nothing that compels you to be with this guy. At all. He wants to have sex with you. 

So it is quite clearly using his desire to have sex with you as the reason to keep enjoying the flattery of a fan boy. You are here at this site to hear frank responses and not to have your ego stroked, especially when it strikes against your character.

*Rubix Cubed* is on it too: you are stringing this guy along. Stop doing it. Stop blaming him. I have girls throwing themselves at me, it's just amazing being a white guy with money in SE Asia. Beautiful young girls. You just look at them and they giggle uncontrollably. They walk up and poke me if I don't notice them. "I love your hair color", "where are you going", "where are you from" etc. Yell from second-story windows. I tell them I am married and it doesn't phase them. You just have to say "no" in the most stern manner and walk away from them.

I don't know how you can have time for it.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Ursula said:


> So, I told him the truth, and he asked if we could talk over coffee on Friday evening instead. I said okay, and met him in the evening. It was nice to talk; he almost started crying, so I know his feelings were genuine, but it was way too much, way too soon, and he now realizes that.
> ...
> this guys didn't mind being friend zoned, in fact he thanked me for wanting to be friends, and said that if I hadn't included that, he'd have had to go back to therapy. By the end of the evening though, he had asked about getting together later in the weekend.


His feelings seem way too intense after just a few meetings. Almost crying? Having to go back to therapy if you didn't want to be friends? This is not a stable, well-adjusted person. Likely he has some personal development to go through before he can be friends or be dating. 

I'm not sure you're seeing things clearly when he said he didn't mind being friend zoned. That's what every pining guy says so he can maintain a relationship with the person he desires. He'll say whatever he thinks you want to hear so he doesn't lose you. I supposed it's true he doesn't mind it exactly, but he is not going to have friend-only feelings for you. He's going to continue imagining scenarios in which you fall for him and he's going to try to make that happen.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Ursula, you went out on 4 dates with the guy, knowing he lived with his grandma and couldn’t have kids. You demonstrated interest by going out with him more than a couple of times? Why did it take 4 dates to tell him you’re not interested?
> 
> Yes, he’s clearly not dating material. But you’d better be more careful, he could become a stalker. And you’ve got to try not to be so damned irresistible..... ��
> 
> ...


I've been out with this guy more than 4 times, and I kept hanging out with him for a few reasons: 1. you don't come across genuinely nice men often (or at least I don't), and this was a nice change. 2. I'm going to be 40 pretty quickly, and don't know if I can even have children. He can't have anymore, but has 2 already who are a great age to have them introduced into someone's life. I thought that maybe they would be enough, but I would still like to try for my own. It just took me a bit of a thought process to get there. 3. Yes, he lives with his Mom and Grandma, but being that I appreciated so much about him, I was hoping that I could overlook that.

As to your last comment, I learned from that. That guy and I never had a conversation that even remotely resembled being exclusive, and I'm the kind of girl who needs to have that confirmation before getting my hopes up. Lesson learned, and next time around, I will initiate that conversation if it's something I would like to see happen. I certainly don't want to just keep up this casual dating schedule; it's crazy and stupid and I just don't have time or energy for it anymore.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

no reply


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

no reply


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

wilson said:


> His feelings seem way too intense after just a few meetings. Almost crying? Having to go back to therapy if you didn't want to be friends? This is not a stable, well-adjusted person. Likely he has some personal development to go through before he can be friends or be dating.
> 
> I'm not sure you're seeing things clearly when he said he didn't mind being friend zoned. That's what every pining guy says so he can maintain a relationship with the person he desires. He'll say whatever he thinks you want to hear so he doesn't lose you. I supposed it's true he doesn't mind it exactly, but he is not going to have friend-only feelings for you. He's going to continue imagining scenarios in which you fall for him and he's going to try to make that happen.


After reading replies where I'm called an orbiter, or like having orbiters or something, being told that I like fanboys and attention, and pretty much just saying that I'm blowing smoke with my words, THIS above is a response that makes sense to me. 

Yes, his feelings were intense, he did say he would have to go back to therapy if I didn't want to be friends, which I didn't appreciate at all. That's not a fun thing to have put on a person. The last time he dated anyone was at 21 years old, so I'm guessing he's probably still stuck back there. He's gone through therapy and done the work on himself, so I think he's stable, but that maybe he doesn't have social skills that are quite up to snuff. He has some growing to do.

Maybe I didn't see clearly when he said he wanted to be friends. I'm not a man, so I don't know how they think. I also cannot read minds, although wish that I could. I certainly don't want him holding onto hope that may not be there, and I certainly don't want a stalker on my hands, which is exactly why I never gave him my address.

Now, I realize what I have to do. Thanks, @wilson, for letting me into the mind of a man, and how they tend to think. This has been most helpful for me.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

Ursula said:


> I've been out with this guy more than 4 times, and I kept hanging out with him for a few reasons: 1. you don't come across genuinely nice men often (or at least I don't), and this was a nice change. 2. I'm going to be 40 pretty quickly, and don't know if I can even have children. He can't have anymore, but has 2 already who are a great age to have them introduced into someone's life. I thought that maybe they would be enough, but I would still like to try for my own. It just took me a bit of a thought process to get there. 3. Yes, he lives with his Mom and Grandma, but being that I appreciated so much about him, I was hoping that I could overlook that.
> 
> As to your last comment, I learned from that. That guy and I never had a conversation that even remotely resembled being exclusive, and I'm the kind of girl who needs to have that confirmation before getting my hopes up. Lesson learned, and next time around, I will initiate that conversation if it's something I would like to see happen. I certainly don't want to just keep up this casual dating schedule; it's crazy and stupid and I just don't have time or energy for it anymore.


If that don't beat all. 

We've been treated to completely contradictory positions. One position (here) is that this guy was being recruited as a potential mate with children for her ready-made family. She is disappointed that he didn't propose exclusivity?! 
(Except he's driven to tears over the prospect of not seeing her.) 

But the pretense at the opening post was she had no interest in him whatsoever as a potential mate. And boy, she doesn't have time or energy for casual dating, except for the casual dating she wanted to keep it to with this guy.

:scratchhead:

She's manipulative, clearly - and handing out little pats on the head or curses to posters who conform to or do not conform to her emotional whims. Clearly not a person suited to an adult relationship.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

That talk about going back to therapy if he can't be friends is emotional blackmail and is not something a genuinely nice guy would attempt to impose on someone else. 

When men say they want to be friends it is either because they genuinely want to be friends with you or they are hoping to stick around long enough that you'll change your mind and fall for them (this is the same romantic BS that Hollywood sells in chick flicks all the time, but it doesn't work in real life). Usually, if men genuinely want to be friends they will steer the relationship in a friendship direction from the get-go. Also, be aware that friends could mean FWB/booty call. I know I've personally slept with some of my single female friends and it's fairly common.

Urs, I'm not the first to express this but I'm a bit concerned about the men you are picking. While I don't know this guy, generally women are looking for successful confident men that really have their life together. This guy seems like he lacks the basic things that would make him attractive to most women. This is going to sound harsh, but it is meant with kindness. In dating there is a phrase that "like tends to attract like". So generally the type of guy you date is somewhat of a reflection on how you see yourself. Are you a successful and physically attractive woman that has her life in order? If not, would you consider becoming that so you can attract a high caliber of man and don't have to settle? You'd be a lot happier in the long run.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> :rofl: Hahaha Diana you are so innocent and cute... nah, I don't think I'll corrupt you, not this time at least lol



I wish I was innocent but I have seen and experienced too many awful things in life to be that way. :surprise:

I have a nice guy myself, and he is the best. :grin2:


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

[email protected] said:


> If that don't beat all.
> 
> We've been treated to completely contradictory positions. One position (here) is that this guy was being recruited as a potential mate with children for her ready-made family. She is disappointed that he didn't propose exclusivity?!
> (Except he's driven to tears over the prospect of not seeing her.)
> ...


Again, you misunderstand entirely. I'm not disappointed that he didn't propose exclusivity. His actions speak louder than words here. I initially saw red flags with this guy, yes, BUT I'm the type of person that doesn't judge a book by its cover. I need to get to know a person to see if there's something there. I need to do that by spending time with said person. Yes, there were red flags, but being that there were some aspects about him that I really like, I thought I might be able to overlook the aspects that were a little less desirable. 

No, I don't have anymore time for casual dating, and am quite sick of it actually. I wasn't even dating this guy; we were hanging out as friends, which I specified to him from the get-go, and seeing where things go from there. I've done the jump-in-and-bang-on-the-second-date thing in hopes that everything else will fall into place, and that hasn't worked out well at all. I thought I'd try the let's-be-friends-first thing and see where that got me. Apparently to the same spot, so neither is worth the time or effort. I cannot stress to you guys just how much we WERE NOT dating. We weren't kissing, we weren't having sex, we weren't doing anything that would mistake us for a couple. I am not manipulative, but think of me what you will; you don't know me IRL. You however seem to like to judge. A lot. And hand out labels to people you do not know.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> That talk about going back to therapy if he can't be friends is emotional blackmail and is not something a genuinely nice guy would attempt to impose on someone else.
> 
> When men say they want to be friends it is either because they genuinely want to be friends with you or they are hoping to stick around long enough that you'll change your mind and fall for them (this is the same romantic BS that Hollywood sells in chick flicks all the time, but it doesn't work in real life). Usually, if men genuinely want to be friends they will steer the relationship in a friendship direction from the get-go. Also, be aware that friends could mean FWB/booty call. I know I've personally slept with some of my single female friends and it's fairly common.
> 
> Urs, I'm not the first to express this but I'm a bit concerned about the men you are picking. While I don't know this guy, generally women are looking for successful confident men that really have their life together. This guy seems like he lacks the basic things that would make him attractive to most women. This is going to sound harsh, but it is meant with kindness. In dating there is a phrase that "like tends to attract like". So generally the type of guy you date is somewhat of a reflection on how you see yourself. Are you a successful and physically attractive woman that has her life in order? If not, would you consider becoming that so you can attract a high caliber of man and don't have to settle? You'd be a lot happier in the long run.


I agree in that his therapy comment is blackmail, and have realized that I need to cut this guy off, as he keeps wanting to make plans. I don't wish to carry on like this, and have texted him and let him know that I can no longer be in contact with him and wished him the best of luck.

As to him wanting to be friends, I'm guessing the Hollywood rom-com BS got to him, as that tends to be what he watches predominantly. I don't think he wants FWB or a booty call, but am also sure that he wouldn't turn it down. 

Yes, like attracts like, and I would like to attract someone with a similar lifestyle to mine. I need a homeowner who knows what it takes to run a home, someone who is comfortable in a kitchen, and has a good job. My job isn't the best paying, although I love it. To answer your questions, I would say that I'm for most part, successful. I'm on my second home of which I built by myself, own my vehicle, and manage to keep my dogs in kibble and stuffy toys. While I have some decent attributes, I wouldn't say that I'm physically attractive. However, I work hard to keep myself in shape with a keto diet and plenty of exercise. I do have my life in order, with a divorce that will be finalized later this year.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Ursula, I am not going to get into playing the amateur psychologist to try to parse words and decipher meaning. So I will leave you with this. What has happened to you is normal. You sensed whatever was happening wasn't right for you. Go with your gut. Learn another lesson and keep moving forward.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You sound like a very competent woman to me. I think it is the confidence you need to work on.

I understand not wanting to hurt the guy, but in this case suggesting just being friends? Nope. Not a good idea.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> You sound like a very competent woman to me.


Yes! :grin2:


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## Pantone429c (Feb 8, 2018)

Ursula said:


> I need some words to say to someone. Have been hanging out with a guy for awhile now, in a friendship capacity only. I really like him; he's a good person (I think, anyways), but am pretty much interested in him as a friend only. He's invited himself over to my house for tonight, and is hoping for and very excited for a movie and snuggle evening. I have no desire to give him this, and am uncomfortable with the idea. He doesn't have my address yet, and I don't want to give it out to him, at least not at this time. I need an excuse to get out of tonight. I've thought of a family emergency, and a friend emergency (a girlfriend has a very sick Dad), or just telling him the truth. I saw him this week, and expressed worry about Friday evening, but he assured me he could reign himself in.
> 
> 
> 
> I've also had a "man" ask me for sex in exchange for payment through Match this week, and this makes me really leery about online dating now. I've reported and blocked this dude. I'm not sure if this is clouding my judgement on the other guy above though.




I had a beautiful woman hitting on me a couple weeks f years ago. There was something about her that just didn’t light my fire.....i was honest and told her what I was thinking and feeling...well she got pissed and has been distant ever since....point is, you do not see him in a sexual light so just tell him, men are use to getting turned down....he will survive....maybe you can introduce him to one of your girlfriends


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Your spidey-senses were tingling and I commend you for following that.

You've written 'lesson' in the thread a couple times. This is good! 

Being assertive, keeping your integrity in tact, while allowing the other person grace... all beautiful qualities to have. You'll encounter this type of scenario again and it will become easier, more fluid. With that intention, your confidence can help you let go worrying about how the other interprets you - from a healthy perspective. 

Keep learning..!


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