# Alcohol Ruining My Marriage



## sugarcookee (Apr 14, 2008)

I have been married for 6 years now and my husband just doesn't seem to understand that he has to stop acting like he's in college and start becoming a man. He is 32 years old and he occasionally goes out drinking on Thursday nights and either goes in to work late on Friday or not at all. He sometimes does this on Sunday nights and the same thing as Friday happens on Monday. He has a great job and he just can't keep making excuses to his boss as to why he is late or not going in to work. Just this month alone (April) he has done this twice. I can't take it anymore. His younger brother does this as well and my husband constantly calls him a loser and waste for not being able to make it in to work. He says these things when he's sober but when he's drunk........he does the same thing his brother does. I have dealt with this for 6 years and i want to make it stop. He has so much to support and if he loses his job then he's done. He says he won't ever lose his job but how can that be? He is actually in bed right now not in work because today is Monday...............and he went out last night. Can I give him an ultimatum to make him stop this behavior? I am on my way to becoming a very successful business woman because I love to work and I am doing this for us. I have a very stong work ethic and I just want someone that has that same drive and passion to succeed. I know I can make it on my own but I am not sure that I want to include him in my future career plans because I just don't respect him anymore. I honestly feel like he is a complete bum. What can I do?


----------



## WonderWoman (Apr 14, 2008)

I can honestly say that I know how you feel. My husband does the same thing and it's driving me up the wall. I am even thinking about leaving him. We got into a really bad financial trouble because of him few years back because when he gets drunk h doesn't think and he's bit of a show off so every now and then he'd shout the whole bar and didn't think anything of spending $700-800 in one night. I get so mad because I work really hard and it's all for nothing because he blows money away and takes days off whenever he pleases. I don't have a good advice for you as I am in the same boat but I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one putting up with Peter Pan.


----------



## sugarcookee (Apr 14, 2008)

Thanks Wonder Woman. Sometimes I just feel that I would advance in my life moreso if I didn't have this weight tying me down. Its just so hard because I loved him like crazy at one point in our lives and now, each time he does something like this to disgust me, my heart just feels hardened toward him. Its getting to the point where I can honestly say "adios" and not feel bad about it. The one good thing is that we do not have any children. I refuse to take that step until he has changed and has been on a good track record with everything good in his life.

Thanks again and I hope things look up for you and your husband as well.


----------



## WonderWoman (Apr 14, 2008)

You are very smart for waiting to have kids. Sometimes I feel like I should've done the same but then again I look at my kids and can't imagine my life without them. They are my greatest joy. 

But back to my husband....I used to love him like crazy too but that was when he wasn't like this. Good old times. And I think that's what is holding me back. I keep thinking that somewhere deep down that man still exist and I have to find a way to bring him back. Looking at him back then and what he has become is like looking at two different people,if you know what I mean.


----------



## Immortalone (Mar 5, 2008)

Try this. Keep a recorder around and the next time he starts talking down about his brother and the way he does not go to work, record it. Then the next time your husband does not go to work or is running late play it for him. Ask him what is the diffrence? Whats makes it right for him but not his brother. I would also sit down and write a letter to your husband explaining what this is doing to you. How it effects you and makes you feel. Just my 2 cents worth.


----------



## sugarcookee (Apr 14, 2008)

That sounds like a good idea. Thanks. 

This just in......he knows how angry I am at him today and he just asked if I wanted to talk. I have been through this so many times before with him. Talking get's nowhere. We have talked about 100 times about the same thing and he still does it. I am not wasting my breath anymore. He can talk to himself.......or better yet his brother. Both went out last night and neither went to work. They have plenty of time on their hands today to engage in "heartfelt" conversation. As for me.......I could care less.


----------



## WonderWoman (Apr 14, 2008)

I know what you mean. My husband does the same. He knows I get angry when he goes out drinking and takes days of work because he is sick the next day so he is always saying how we need to talk and then he would tell me how he doesn't want to lose his family and it's time to grow up so he won't be drinking and usually he really makes an effort for about two weeks and then it's back to normal. He forgets his promises very quickly. Or even worse he tells me he said all those things because that's what I want to hear and that he is who he is and he's not planning to change. It just goes in circles like that.
You just stick to your guns, girl.


----------



## mollyL (Dec 31, 2007)

Sugar, it seems to me like you have already made your decision, it's sad that you remember your past with such affection and I can see how this stays your hand in making a decision to leave. It sounds to me like your hubby is using your sweet memories to take advantage of you. Until you decide what's next to be done, I hope you're not calling his work and making excuses for his absences, or excuses for any of his dumb behavior to anyone. I truly wish you luck in the coming months.


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Sounds to me like he may be a "bing alcoholic" I think he will need counseling.
He will lose his job over this and maybe his marriage.

Now being a Man I like to drink and I love a good beer.

I am now 38 with three kids. But I am responsible about it. If I know if I ahve to drive anywhere I will not have a beer until I am "in for the night"

If I go out with my male friends, the max amount I will have is 4 beers, that is my own personal limit, not for any other reason then I don't want to be sick or hung over the next morning.

Having a couple of beers with friends is greeat and it needs to be done every so often. But a couple of times a week is to much and missing work is unacceptable.

Tell your husband he is a bing Alcoholic and see how he reacts, he will be defensive, then say to him, OK if your not, then don't drink for 2 weeks straight. If he wants to go out with his friends, Fine, drink water, soda, ice tea, be the DD for the group. 

Telling him having a drink is fine, but no need to get trashed everytime they go out. Getting sick or a hang over was to much for me, but some people have an addiction, he made need to be broken of it.

Best of luck.


----------



## panama (Sep 23, 2009)

I have pretty much ruined my marriage over drinking. I love my wife and kids dearly, and my own selfishness has driven her away. I want her to love me the way she used to, and understand why she does not, nothing really benefitting her at the moment. She is such a great person, and I love her with all of my heart. She came into my life at a time when I really needed her, and she will always be my true savior. I am a great husband and father, but, every night after work and on weekends, I like to chill and hit the booze. I get so drunk that I can't even remember how I got to bed. I have a history of alcoholism in my family, and never really gave it much thought when I was younger. I realize that I have a problem, and I am going to give it up for good! I love my family, with all of my heart, and I have stolen memories that could have been from them, because of my selfishness. My problem is that I do not know when to quit, I drink way too much, and it has effected my life in a way that saddens me. I want to be a mentor to my children, not a lush. I am a strong willed person, that just wandered off the path for a little bit, and I will walk the correct path once again.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Unless he has reason to believe that bad things DO come from drinking, why should he change? Right now, he hasn't lost his job or his marriage. YOU are worried he will; he obviously isn't, and right now, it seems he is "right." (To him, that is; I'm not defending his actions, believe me!)

If you want him to take you seriously, you should consider giving him an ultimatum--not something I'd recommend generally, but this is a non-negotiable issue. He must stop drinking AND get counseling. Otherwise, you will leave and file for divorce. 

If your heart is already hardening, there may be no going back if you don't take action quickly. And if you leave but he STILL does not give up drinking? Well, you have your answer, and you know you are better off without him. Good luck, and I'm sorry you are in this situation but you show good judgment in not having kids with him like this. You'll do fine, regardless of what happens.


----------



## Not Understood (Nov 9, 2009)

Seeing all of these posts made me burst into tears. I am truly at a loss as to what to do with my very same situation. My husband and I met about 5 yrs ago. To make a long story short we split up while pregnant with our son got back together after he was born. Not have a 6 mth old daughter also and been married almost 7 mths.

When we met drinking and hanging out with our friends was what we did so no surprise he likes to drink. It now is to the point though where he is passing out on the couch nearly every night. He will sit on the computer drinking beer after beer after beer. I can tell when he is getting to a certain point and I ask him to stop. I will be okay babe is what he says even though I see this happen every night. After eating dinner he lays down on the couch and passes out. This couch also happens to be where we sleep since it is a pull out and our son has the bedroom right now. So you can see how it is hard to avoid an argument when I have to yell at him to get up. This in turn leads to arguments about how unhappy I am with the drinking. They are getting really bad and i am on the verge of just leaving. I have said many times that I am done and cant take it anymore but i love him so much and keep telling myself one day he will see what this is doing. It doesnt help that he tells me over and over he will stop. I know it is not healthy for the kids to see us fighting and that is what kills me. He becomes such a different person when he is drunk half of the time not even remembering all the hurtful things he has said to me. He always tells me how sorry he is and how much he loves me and I have changed his life, but how many times can you hear I am sorry before it doesn't mean a thing.

Hear is my question to everybody. His arguement is that he is only 24, not 40 and why should he stop living. I by the way am 28. I try to tell myself to give him a break and remember we are not the same age but then again, we have kids and I feel that is enough of a reason to grow up a bit. AM I WRONG?


----------



## Not Understood (Nov 9, 2009)

Your words are exactly what I hope to hear come out of my husbands mouth someday. I just cried to him tonight that these are the memories i am going to have, him passing out drunk every night. What made you realize what you were doing?


----------

