# I feel lost....



## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

My wife and i have been married for 13 years and 2 months ago she told me that she isn't sure how she feels about me any more. She doesn't think she is in love any more. We are both 43 and I thought we had a good life together. I'm 99.99% sure she hasn't been with anyone else, but if she doesn't have those feelings for me anymore it seems like she could fall for someone pretty easy....so I'm pretty scared. She never goes out so meeting someone would be pretty hard but I'm a bit paranoid sometimes so I obsess about it.

The problem is a large part my fault. I tend to be a bit jeleous and used to question her all the time. My wife is absolutely gorgeous and I guess I can be a little possessive because of it. I adore her and have always complemented her, poured my heart out to her about how much I love her and have been a great father and husband....so I thought.

She says that she still loves me but that she thinks we are better friends then spouses. We still have a lot of fun together and are both about to start individual counseling to work on our own issues. We tried going to a marriage counselor but he felt we needed to fix ourselves first before we could work on fixing the marraige. 

The problem is, she doesn't know if she still wants to be married or if she even wants to try. Apparently she has felt this way for years.....and never told me. I feel like I was blind sided but now that I think back I can see how she wasn't completely happy.

I don't want to lose her. She says that I love her too much and it's difficult to deal with. 

I feel so lost, lonely and angry with myself for possibly losing the love of my life. I've always been a bit self concious but now forget it. I'm a wreck and am struggling with anxiety and depression. Not a good way to be if I'm trying to win her back.

I know I need to fix my issues and give her space and if it was meant to be, she will fall for me again.....but it's so so so hard.


----------



## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

Well I just did it again. We've been getting along and I just casually and in a fun way suggested we have a little fun together tonight. Now she's pissed at me and said that when I do this I set us back. I can't just turn off my feelings for her. Why am I not allowed to speak about or attempt to act on my feelings. Am I just supposed to sit back and take it until she figures out what she wants? Is that fair to me?


----------



## stuck.88 (Sep 28, 2011)

As, a woman who may possibly be falling out of love with her husband, I can tell you nothing is more of a turn off then soliciting sex. It makes me feel like our "problems" don't matter so lets just go to the bedroom. 

I am very sympathetic towards your situation. 13 years, that's a long time to just up and end it! 

Have you felt any weirdness between you and your wife? Or was her unhappiness a complete shock to you? Does she work outside of the home? Do you have children together? 

You said she was very beautiful, which means you must be an attractive man for her to have fallen for you. So don't feel insecure about yourself.


----------



## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

Thanks. We have 2 young children (7 and 9). She doesn't work. I've asked her many times if she wanted to work. Told her I would support her in anything she wants to do. Even if she only makes enought to break even. If it's something she wants or needs to do for herself...I support it. She doesn't want to work.

I have felt at times that she isn't as into me as I am into her, but we are different people. She tends to be a little cold and I tend to be a little hot. German vs Italian I guess.


----------



## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

I hope you can find a way to not fall out of love with your husband. Its the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through. If he is a good man and if you loved him once, you could find that spark again. Try going to counseling. It cant hurt


----------



## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

I saved my marriage of eleven years about three years ago. I read thirty books on marriage and about 100 web articles. I did not know jack about women over the long haul 3+ years. 

They all have the same complaints. For one, you are predictable. Seond that jealousy, needy, smothery thing is big time unattractive. You need to act "as if". 

To be clear, I had always had good luck with LTR of a year or so with several women before I met my wife. When we hit the skids, I set out to fix it on my own and learned that is how its done. 

She reacts to what you do. If you want some specific suggestions then PM me.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Constant jealousy and possessive/smothering will definitely turn a woman off. It's not attractive and makes a woman feel like she's on eggshells.

Work on your issues. Why are you this way? Were you cheated on in the past? Are you liket his in all your relationships? Has she done something to make you feel threatened/intimidated/not trusting of her??

Stop asking her to have sex. Tell her you realize where you messed up and are committed to stopping that behavior. Ask her what she needs from you. Let her know what you need from her also. Suggest marriage counselling. Get into individual counselling for youself to help you deal with your jealousy issues. Listen to her. Validate what she says. Tell her you are committed to the marriage and you will respect whatever decision she makes. This lets her know she's free and you aren't stomping on her. 

Example: _"Wife, I have thought a lot about what you've said and I can understand that when I did things XYZ it turned you off and made you feel disconnected from me. I woul dfeel the same way if you did XYZ. I want you to know that I understand where I went wrong and I am sorry it took all of this for me to see it but I am committed 100% to our marriage and working through this. I am willing to go to counselling with you as well as for myself. I am willing to stop negative behaviors and to listen what you need from me. By the same token, some things I want from our relationship are ABC because of XYZ. I do not agree with us separating since I love you but at the same time, I am not going to pressure you. I will respect whatever decision you make."_

Show her THROUGH ACTIONS that you CAN stop the negative behaviors.

A woman WILL shut down if she's told her guy to stop doing something that hurts her and he continues.

Man up!Respect her right now and don't pressure her or smother her.


----------



## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

Thank you all for your replies. I have been doing exactly what you've suggested and I actually feel better about myself for it. I started counseling for myself and I know it's for the best.

I also know that I can't expect her to believe I can change right away. Ever since she told me how she feels, she has put up a wall I need to show her that I can change, not just talk about it.

She starts counseling next week because she has some issues related to letting herself feel loved that she says she needs to work outl.

After we get a handle on ourselves, we're hopeful that we will seek couples counseling to work on the marriage. 

I know it its going to be a long haul, but I think we are worth it.....I just hope she will too.


----------



## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

We seem to be getting along a little better. We have a fun time last night with some friends, but as soon as the friends left she went right to bed.

She still says that she doesn't know how to act around me just wants to start therapy so she can get a handle on where she's at. In the meantime we're pretty much friends. I of course want more and I'm sure she can sense it but I haven't pressed the issue and I dont mope around any more. She says that I look taller and likes that I seem happier. Good sign I think.

However, she asked me yesterday if I was still thinging about moving out for a little while to make things a little easier on both of us while we figure out where we are going. Its very hard to be around someone you love knowing they might not love you any more. And for her, it's gotta be very hard to be around someone you know wouild do anything for you but you don't know if you want anything from him.

Do you think moving out for a little while is a good thing? I feel like if I move out it's the begining of the end, but then again absence might make her heart grow fonder.

Any advice?
Thanks.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ldobbler said:


> We seem to be getting along a little better. We have a fun time last night with some friends, but as soon as the friends left she went right to bed.
> 
> She still says that she doesn't know how to act around me just wants to start therapy so she can get a handle on where she's at.


You posted your OP just a few days ago. I can "feel" your over-anxiousness for things to improve right through my computer screen. I think it's a combination of your anxiety, and the fact that you put up with this for so long, that it is making it hard for you to wait.

But waiting and patience are what is needed here. This isn't going to get better in a few weeks. Maybe, just maybe, a few months. But you can't rush it.

Sorry to rain on your parade. A long time ago, I grasped at straws, and saw every little positive thing as a major breakthrough. I was scared. I was needy. And I wasn't giving my partner the space he needed. 



Idobbler said:


> Do you think moving out for a little while is a good thing? I feel like if I move out it's the begining of the end, but then again absence might make her heart grow fonder.


If it is the beginning of the end, it won't matter if you stay or you go. I would say that if you decide to move out, don't be texting, emailing, or calling her every single day to take the relationship's temperature. Give her a week of no-contact, if you decide to go. After that, you might want to see if she's starting to dabble in an EA or actually getting into a PA. This is only speculation on my part; you know your wife, and I do not.

She just may want to get you out of her space for awhile so she can have some breathing room. With that said, yes, I would leave her to herself. If it's going to work out it will. Your staying isn't the sole reason the marriage will survive.


----------



## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

So it's now been over 2 months since my wife told me she wasn't sure if she was still in love or not. I started therapy 3 weeks ago and feel like I'm doing great. My wife only started 3 days ago and has to wait another 3 weeks before she has her second session. The wait is killing me. I basically am waiting around to see if she wants to try to work things out, which could take months for her to figure out and there's no guarantee in the end that she will. She's definitely worth the wait and I want nothing more than to have the opportunity to work things out, but it's killing me to be around her every day feeling so in love with her, knowing that she isn't sure how she feels about me.

She won't talk to me about it anymore because she says nothing has changed and there isn't anything to talk about yet and I don't bring it up because it only upsets her. She says she loves me but she doesn't know if she "let me back in". I know I screwed up by being insecure and needy over the years and I've appologized and I am making great progress. She isn't sure I can really change.

I know what I need to do. I need to be patient, suck it up, work on myself, slowly try to court her and show her the kind of man I really am without all the BS, and hope for the best. I know what to do but it's so hard not to want to grab her and kiss her and tell her I love her.

I'm thinking about getting a winter rental just so it isn't so painful to be around her and also to give her some space.

And our 13 wedding anniversary is this coming weekend…..just to add to the pain and confusion.


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Getting out of the same house sounds like a good idea. Act as if it's over. You can't live in limbo forever.


----------



## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

Find out who her boyfriend is, because there is one. Keylogger, VAR and GPS in her car and you will soon have your answers.


----------

