# I don't love my husband anymore, I'm so confused



## A Better Me

I'm just not comfortable with sharing issues within my marriage with my Christian friends or church family so here I am. Please forgive me this is lengthy. I don't have another person to talk to and I've been holding this in for a very long time.

I've run into a brick wall in this marriage and this wall has four corners. I want to do what is right in God's eyes but I am lost. I have a one track mind when it comes to what God wants and that doesn't include divorce so I've sat in this failed marriage. I've read Fireproof, The Love Dare, The Power of a Praying Wife, we've watched Fireproof, we've done "The Marriage Builder" and have been to Christian counseling. He'd put forth an effort for a week or two and then goes right back. Now I've found myself holding onto staying for the kids and that no longer is enough. It's been a little over six years I've been fighting this battle. Tried to get him to go to church but he'd rather stay home and watch football or something else. The children and I go without him. We have all boys and I don't want them to grow up thinking this is how Christian men are or how they live. I want them to know and see that the man is to be the head of the household. That their wives are to be their helpmates, not their Mothers. 

Of these six years we've been married going on five of them and we have six children (3 during the marriage). I knew after a couple of weeks of living together that he wasn't the type of person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with but I felt bad because he moved from another state so I didn't send him back home and tried to work it out. He started out verbally abusive, cursing at me, trying to control me or physically make me do things but that didn't work out in his favor so he stopped. I decided to go through with the marriage because I thought our relationship was so rocky since we weren't living our lives right and also because I found out I was pregnant. I am new to this faith walk and became saved a couple of weeks prior to our marriage. Deep down I knew I was making a drastic mistake but I thought that was the Devil trying to keep us living wrong. The Pastor tried to warn me about getting married so soon and without the proper counseling but I wouldn't listen. Unfortunately divorce wasn't in the cards so I stayed.

Now here I sit an unraveling mess. I stopped feeling anything for my husband. We sleep in separate bedrooms and have for the past four years. I've prayed and prayed about it, hoping God would help me to feel something for him, to love him like I did before the repetitive issues and before I found out he wasn't who he pretended to be. He knew exactly what I was looking for and so he lived up to that when we were friends but once he "won the prize" as he puts it, he became a completely different person. By the time he showed his true self I was already pregnant. His true self is someone that I wouldn't even befriend (maybe associate with) let alone date. He admitted to leading me on and during that time I guess I was vulnerable (had a child kidnapped) and maybe that is what was blinding me. We were friends during all of that and because he lived in the state that my son was taken to we maintained frequent communication and became closer.

To give some details about why I am where I am. It began with the constant lying and the lies were about any and everything. Something as minute as changing our sons diaper or contacting an employer to promising to stop having communication with the ex he was having intimate conversations with (internet and phone) or the women he was inappropriately communicating with online. This still goes on. The lack to provide for our family. He sat unemployed, on his butt surfing the net and playing video games for nearly 3 years while I worked and I also paid for daycare just so he would have no hindrances and could apply for jobs. Even though we had no vehicle at the time and I had to get up extra early and take two babies on the bus, regardless of the weather and not one time did he ever offer to help get them ready in the mornings or take them and when mentioned he became upset. Only 3 times did he ever actually leave the home to apply for a job. I ended up having to do the legwork for him and he got the job. On the job he began inappropriate relationships with two of his co-workers (sex talk and other intimate conversations). Once he got the job he would take care of himself before the bills or the rent or things the children needed. I received very little help with the children, no help with discipline or education... when we were struggling he wouldn't lift a finger to make sure the kids would eat. I did work on the side, sold my things, etc. If something was wrong within the home I had to fix it, if something needed to be put together I had to do it. His personal hygiene became horrendous, to the point that my skin crawled whenever he came near me. I was never physically attracted to him but because there was an emotional attraction I was able to overlook that part. Once I lost the emotional attraction the physical became an issue. He is impotent (not only sexually). I've tried real hard to deal with that issue but he is also small and thin so physical relations became an every few months to a yearly thing. He would always agree to issues within the home but he wouldn't do anything about them unless I became irate (not just angry) which I cannot stand but as soon as I cooled down the issues would repeat themselves, over and over and over again. It is like he is another child in the home and I don't see a man in him at all. He has no drive, someone has to hold his hand all of the time and his lack of responsibility is baffling. The majority of the time he is relying on me for just about everything. If the car messes up I am left to fix it, if the plumbing is a mess fix it. 

I know that relationships are tough and maybe because of my ability to shut off my emotions now I am having a terrible time being more patient. Maybe I need to see a counselor myself for that. Even though I let him know all of this from the beginning. It was someone that I had loved that kidnapped my child and it was someone that I had loved that murdered another. These acts definitely have changed how my emotions flow once crossed or repeatedly stepped on. I know my husband isn't these individuals but he has repeatedly hurt me.

I will say that once I became detached from my husband I became so much closer to God and I felt so much better about life and found myself doing more things with my children. It wasn't until I kept trying to reattach myself to him that my walk seemed that much harder and now I am not anywhere near as close to God as I once was. 

They say love is a choice and I don't want to love him. I know this sounds horrible but I don't too much like him. I know this isn't anyway for a wife to be towards her husband. I'm doing something wrong I must be. I keep ending up with these men that "I" found. I am trying to not let my emotions get the best of me. I know that every time I talk to God about my marriage and make a decision to just stick with it, something else negative happens or a mistake is repeated. Every single time and I don't know if that is the Devil or if God truly is telling me he isn't who he meant for me to be with or this type of relationship isn't what he wants for his married children. I want a divorce but I don't want to disappoint God or my kiddos. 

I am so confused... I know God doesn't approve of divorces but I can't help but to feel like this is meant to be. The difference now is I don't think this, this is what it feels like. I know a feeling is an emotion but this doesn't seem to be heart based and I don't know what other way to describe it.


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## LoveAtDaisys

I'm not a very devout Christian, unfortunately, but I did grow up one.

One of the biggest lessons I remember being taught as a child is that God loves us unconditionally. He wants us, His children, to be happy. You say that you feel closer to God when you become more detached from your marriage, yet every time you try to reaffirm your devotion to your husband something happens.

Have you ever considered that this is His way of letting you know He knows you are unhappy?

I'll leave you with a verse and a website, where someone broke down a husband's responsibilities to his wife in the context of the Bible's teachings.



> "But if any man does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. " 1 Timothy 5:8
> *You could argue that "provide" in this sense means he places a roof over your head, food on the table, and clothes on your back. I argue it means provide in ALL ways, to include for your emotional and spiritual needs.*


For Husbands Only-Biblical Responsibilities of Husbands


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## Dustball

I am so sorry for the loses you have gone through, and these horrible 6 years. I can say I am a religious person, but I am not a christian, so I know my words may not find their way to your heart. But I'll give it a shot anyways.

I believe God wants us to be happy, obviously in an honest way. If this was meant to be, your husband would have at least a slightest chance at change, but he doesn't. Do you honestly think God intends you to stay in a bad marriage for the rest of your life, with a man who does not respect you, and having your children learn that this is the right way?

On the other hand, sometimes we tend to put all responsibilities on the divine, when it was you who failed to set limits. It was you who had to learn to stand up for yourself and demand that he fulfills his economic duties as well as everything he promised when he married you, which includes being honest, faithful and respectful. It is not too late to do it.


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## jay1365

I will admit I did not read your entire post word for word, but it sounds to me like you did not know him very well when you got married. Any truth to that? 

Regardless, the Bible does not say you must remain in an unhappy, borderline abusive marriage. When someone turns into a completely different person and physically or emotionally abandons the marriage, the other spouse has grounds for divorce and even annulment. 

Life is way too short to be so miserable. 

Just my opinion.


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## A Better Me

LoveAtDaisys said:


> I'm not a very devout Christian, unfortunately, but I did grow up one.
> 
> One of the biggest lessons I remember being taught as a child is that God loves us unconditionally. He wants us, His children, to be happy. You say that you feel closer to God when you become more detached from your marriage, yet every time you try to reaffirm your devotion to your husband something happens.
> 
> Have you ever considered that this is His way of letting you know He knows you are unhappy?
> 
> I'll leave you with a verse and a website, where someone broke down a husband's responsibilities to his wife in the context of the Bible's teachings.
> 
> 
> 
> For Husbands Only-Biblical Responsibilities of Husbands


I saw your post the day you posted it but I wanted to take some time to soak in what was said prior to responding. The verse and website said a mouthful. The correlating versus on there helped me to put it into a biblical perspective. 

The question you asked me, "have you ever considered that this is His way of letting you know He your unhappy?" dug deep. It felt like a light was switched on and I honestly never thought about it at all until I read it. Thank you!!!

I truly thank you for taking the time to read my story and provide your input!

Be blessed,
A Better Me


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## A Better Me

Dustball said:


> On the other hand, sometimes we tend to put all responsibilities on the divine, when it was you who failed to set limits. It was you who had to learn to stand up for yourself and demand that he fulfills his economic duties as well as everything he promised when he married you, which includes being honest, faithful and respectful. It is not too late to do it.


This right here opened my eyes! I wouldn't had even thought to look at it this way but it makes total sense. As I mentioned I am new to this faith walk and knew nothing of God until I was well into adulthood. I'm still learning.

Thank you so much for this as well!


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## A Better Me

jay1365 said:


> I will admit I did not read your entire post word for word, but it sounds to me like you did not know him very well when you got married. Any truth to that?
> 
> Regardless, the Bible does not say you must remain in an unhappy, borderline abusive marriage. When someone turns into a completely different person and physically or emotionally abandons the marriage, the other spouse has grounds for divorce and even annulment.
> 
> Life is way too short to be so miserable.
> 
> Just my opinion.


Thank you for taking the time to read what you did read and give your input. I know it was a lot. I really appreciate it!


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## A Better Me

LoveatDaisys, I did reply to your post but for some reason it was intercepted by the moderators for review. It should be up shortly.


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## rainwife

There is a woman very like you in Debi pearls “help meet” book. I used that book to much advantage despite my very feminist liberal attitude at the time. You might consider looking at it. Im sorry, if your anything like me people throw book ideas at you all the time. I know its lame, But I don’t know what else to suggest. I’m around if you want to chat. I am not alien to that feeling of hopelessness… But once it passes I know god has a plan for my life, he will take care of it. I just need to take a deep breath and have faith.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Your making a mistake by staying married to him.

I grew up in a very Christian home. I didn't think divorce was an option until I married my first husband. He was abusive and also unfaithful. I wasn't about to let my child grow up in such a hostile environment, so I left. Yes, I tried working it out, but the MC strongly advised that I should leave right before my second session and cancelled our apt. Our marriage never worked from day 1. I also knew I made the biggest mistake of my life marrying him our wedding night. We only had 1 child together.

I remarried and I'm so much happier now living in a peaceful home for 14 years. I certainly don't have any intentions of divorcing my husband and the thought has never even come to mind ever. I'm with a man who fully respects me as his wife.

This choice is up to you. You are responsible for your own happiness. I wish you the best of luck with whatever happens in the future.


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## bunny23

A Better Me said:


> I'm just not comfortable with sharing issues within my marriage with my Christian friends or church family so here I am. Please forgive me this is lengthy. I don't have another person to talk to and I've been holding this in for a very long time.
> 
> I've run into a brick wall in this marriage and this wall has four corners. I want to do what is right in God's eyes but I am lost. I have a one track mind when it comes to what God wants and that doesn't include divorce so I've sat in this failed marriage. I've read Fireproof, The Love Dare, The Power of a Praying Wife, we've watched Fireproof, we've done "The Marriage Builder" and have been to Christian counseling. He'd put forth an effort for a week or two and then goes right back. Now I've found myself holding onto staying for the kids and that no longer is enough. It's been a little over six years I've been fighting this battle. Tried to get him to go to church but he'd rather stay home and watch football or something else. The children and I go without him. We have all boys and I don't want them to grow up thinking this is how Christian men are or how they live. I want them to know and see that the man is to be the head of the household. That their wives are to be their helpmates, not their Mothers.
> 
> Of these six years we've been married going on five of them and we have six children (3 during the marriage). I knew after a couple of weeks of living together that he wasn't the type of person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with but I felt bad because he moved from another state so I didn't send him back home and tried to work it out. He started out verbally abusive, cursing at me, trying to control me or physically make me do things but that didn't work out in his favor so he stopped. I decided to go through with the marriage because I thought our relationship was so rocky since we weren't living our lives right and also because I found out I was pregnant. I am new to this faith walk and became saved a couple of weeks prior to our marriage. Deep down I knew I was making a drastic mistake but I thought that was the Devil trying to keep us living wrong. The Pastor tried to warn me about getting married so soon and without the proper counseling but I wouldn't listen. Unfortunately divorce wasn't in the cards so I stayed.
> 
> Now here I sit an unraveling mess. I stopped feeling anything for my husband. We sleep in separate bedrooms and have for the past four years. I've prayed and prayed about it, hoping God would help me to feel something for him, to love him like I did before the repetitive issues and before I found out he wasn't who he pretended to be. He knew exactly what I was looking for and so he lived up to that when we were friends but once he "won the prize" as he puts it, he became a completely different person. By the time he showed his true self I was already pregnant. His true self is someone that I wouldn't even befriend (maybe associate with) let alone date. He admitted to leading me on and during that time I guess I was vulnerable (had a child kidnapped) and maybe that is what was blinding me. We were friends during all of that and because he lived in the state that my son was taken to we maintained frequent communication and became closer.
> 
> To give some details about why I am where I am. It began with the constant lying and the lies were about any and everything. Something as minute as changing our sons diaper or contacting an employer to promising to stop having communication with the ex he was having intimate conversations with (internet and phone) or the women he was inappropriately communicating with online. This still goes on. The lack to provide for our family. He sat unemployed, on his butt surfing the net and playing video games for nearly 3 years while I worked and I also paid for daycare just so he would have no hindrances and could apply for jobs. Even though we had no vehicle at the time and I had to get up extra early and take two babies on the bus, regardless of the weather and not one time did he ever offer to help get them ready in the mornings or take them and when mentioned he became upset. Only 3 times did he ever actually leave the home to apply for a job. I ended up having to do the legwork for him and he got the job. On the job he began inappropriate relationships with two of his co-workers (sex talk and other intimate conversations). Once he got the job he would take care of himself before the bills or the rent or things the children needed. I received very little help with the children, no help with discipline or education... when we were struggling he wouldn't lift a finger to make sure the kids would eat. I did work on the side, sold my things, etc. If something was wrong within the home I had to fix it, if something needed to be put together I had to do it. His personal hygiene became horrendous, to the point that my skin crawled whenever he came near me. I was never physically attracted to him but because there was an emotional attraction I was able to overlook that part. Once I lost the emotional attraction the physical became an issue. He is impotent (not only sexually). I've tried real hard to deal with that issue but he is also small and thin so physical relations became an every few months to a yearly thing. He would always agree to issues within the home but he wouldn't do anything about them unless I became irate (not just angry) which I cannot stand but as soon as I cooled down the issues would repeat themselves, over and over and over again. It is like he is another child in the home and I don't see a man in him at all. He has no drive, someone has to hold his hand all of the time and his lack of responsibility is baffling. The majority of the time he is relying on me for just about everything. If the car messes up I am left to fix it, if the plumbing is a mess fix it.
> 
> I know that relationships are tough and maybe because of my ability to shut off my emotions now I am having a terrible time being more patient. Maybe I need to see a counselor myself for that. Even though I let him know all of this from the beginning. It was someone that I had loved that kidnapped my child and it was someone that I had loved that murdered another. These acts definitely have changed how my emotions flow once crossed or repeatedly stepped on. I know my husband isn't these individuals but he has repeatedly hurt me.
> 
> I will say that once I became detached from my husband I became so much closer to God and I felt so much better about life and found myself doing more things with my children. It wasn't until I kept trying to reattach myself to him that my walk seemed that much harder and now I am not anywhere near as close to God as I once was.
> 
> They say love is a choice and I don't want to love him. I know this sounds horrible but I don't too much like him. I know this isn't anyway for a wife to be towards her husband. I'm doing something wrong I must be. I keep ending up with these men that "I" found. I am trying to not let my emotions get the best of me. I know that every time I talk to God about my marriage and make a decision to just stick with it, something else negative happens or a mistake is repeated. Every single time and I don't know if that is the Devil or if God truly is telling me he isn't who he meant for me to be with or this type of relationship isn't what he wants for his married children. I want a divorce but I don't want to disappoint God or my kiddos.
> 
> I am so confused... I know God doesn't approve of divorces but I can't help but to feel like this is meant to be. The difference now is I don't think this, this is what it feels like. I know a feeling is an emotion but this doesn't seem to be heart based and I don't know what other way to describe it.


Okay... I really don't like saying this but.. this is the reason I have an issue with religion, in general.

This man has abused you for years, and you stay and blame yourself.. because of religion?

Logically speaking HIS actions are NOT correct- verbally abusive, physically abusive, lies etc.

Why would God want you to stay in a relationship that is destructive to your soul and being?

The "love" is gone because he has abused you. There is no magic formula or book you can read.
I would venture to say he knows you will not leave due to your religious views and he will continue his abuse.

Honestly? You should know that the Bible or any scripture should not be interpreted to mean that a woman should stay in an abusive relationship.

I think you should talk to someone outside of your religious circle and get an objective opinion about this.


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## 2galsmom

No worries bunny23, religion has nothing to do with abuse. People who abuse do not follow ANYONE's spiritual practices or moral codes. Do not tolerate abuse period, do not let people use religion as an excuse to keep you in your abusive relationship. Expect more from the Universe than that!

I am with you, God did not put me or my children here so when we want to love and be loved to be terrorized or mistreated in return. I just cannot accept that.

Love does not hurt, love does not abuse PERIOD.

A better me, you may be experiencing emotional numbing to help you protect yourself and you are feeling guilty for a natural response of science. I stayed in my marriage first out of obligation to my marriage vows, I am sorry you are going through this but remember what saved me 5 years later. I gave up my Christ complex and let Him carry it for me. You don't have to literally live a life like Christ, you are not God and you will become a codependent. Wasn't that the point of His sacrifice? Save yourself. A life is a life and yours matters as well.

Religious types can argue this all they want, this is not my forté but I did struggle with the morality of the issue for years.

Best of luck to you to find your strength.


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## Fozzy

He admits that he led you on before you got married. He is basically stating he tricked you into marrying him under false pretenses. Not an expert in theological doctrine, but I'm pretty sure that's one of the generally acceptable reasons for divorce according to most churches (along with abuse, which sounds like happened also). My feeling is you're on solid spiritual ground to leave this turkey.


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