# Very's journal thing.



## Very (Jun 19, 2013)

23, married 2 years, no kids.
Recovering from depression and social anxiety.
Talked about separating from my H and we officially separated on Monday. 
I've agreed to counciling but feel it won't help.

Major issues were emotional detachment from H after utter lack of support after confiding in him that I was suicidal at the time, with continued lack of emotional support whenever it was needed. Lead to my inability to be open with him about my feelings and detachment. 

Also his mental block that sex is a bad thing. Apparently caused by his ex fiancé asking for sex and then feeling shame/guilt for having it. I had to always ask for sex, was usually told no and when he said yes it wasn't romantic/passionate/etc. His lack of libido and my overly active one made it hell.

I'll answer any questions or what have you. I'll be keeping this as my only active thread while I go through this awfulness.


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## Very (Jun 19, 2013)

Yesterday was a really hard day. Whenever the separation is brought up I cry. It's just my knee jerk reaction to stress. 

I was really worried about going to work because a couple of girls I work with know about what's been going on and I knew they would ask. I managed to get through one girl it was a quick conversation because she was off when I was starting. The other however I wasn't so lucky. She was nice enough to give me a hug and I felt like a moron or crying at work. 

She invited me out to drinks tomorrow with another girl from work and I said yes. Which is something I wouldn't do in a million years! My anxiety about it is pretty strong right now. I've never really had friends that go out. So I have no idea what to expect and no idea what I'm supposed to wear. I'm terrified of looking stupid infront of these people I have to work with. I'm going to ask the girl that invited me what I should wear. I feel dumb for having to ask but asking seems like the lesser of two evils here.

I work again tonight and I'm scared I'll bawl again. I'm also working with one of the managers that is jokingly a jerk. I know he is a really nice person and I know not to take him personally but right now I guess I'm too emotional for it. He was being his normal teasing self last night and I almost cried again.

I've also been texting my I don't even know what to call your husband when you are separated. We've discussed our weak points and what we need to work on. I told me he misses me. I told him I missed how thing were when we were dating and not living together. Back then he was engaging and responsive to me. And although it was usually only once a week the sex was completely different. He just overall seemed to care more. Granted I don't know if things got back to that if it would even work. I might never be able to trust him again.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Are you in individual counseling?


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## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

I really don't think I can give you constructive advice but I just wanted to say I am so sorry for what you are going through.
I would think that the people you work with care about you and your well being. There is no shame in admitting that you are going through a tough time, you may be surprised at the support you receive. I know I was.
Gutpunch is right, counselling would be a good option to help you.


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## Very (Jun 19, 2013)

Thank you Percy! 

It's so hard and it's made even worse by this war going on in my head. Half of me understands that this had to happen or my own well being an is completely rational. While the other half of me still thinks my needs are not worthy. That I should be ashamed for putting myself before someone else.

How can people work and go through this! I feel like I'll just crumble apart infront of people.


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## Very (Jun 19, 2013)

And no I'm not currently in counciling. I can't afford anything at the moment so none for me for awhile.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's a hard road for certain. Nothing easy about it, unfortunately.

Could you get some self-help books from the library, or download some, that might be useful?


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## noas55 (Jun 25, 2013)

Read self help books. I am doing that now after my wife of 24 years has asked for separation.
I am slowly rebuilding myself to be a better person for myself and either my wife or the next lady i find.


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