# Cyber Snoop no more?



## willandgrace (Dec 20, 2009)

Hey all, I'm new here. I just needed someone to talk to.

I guess A little background would be good? My husband and I have been married almost 4 years. He's bisexual, I'm straight. And he's been having a lot of trouble with fidelity.

He's never actually cheated, but there was a guy a couple years ago it came close with... and now there is another guy I see the same pattern with. I keep asking him to end the friendship, he says he will, then doesn't.

I've turned into someone I hate. I read his texts, I login to his facebook and his email, only to find he's still talking to this guy, maybe setting up times to meet? I can't tell.

But I don't want to be that person, who snoops and then freaks out. I want to trust him, I want to let go and let what will be, be. But I just hurt. I just weep when I think of him lying to me.

I love him, and he loves me. But there is so much more to a marriage than love... I want to trust him. What do I do?

I know he hasn't cheated, I trust him that far, that he's not lying about that. But I don't want to be this person anymore.

Help?


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

Can you expand on how he 'came close' to cheating? If it's just a matter of him having close friendships you're uncomfortable with, you may need to give him a little room. If he's doing ANYTHING behind your back to feed your distrust, though, that's another issue. I did the same things with my wife after discovering her affair, but I've ceased since then because she's totally open with me at this point. It's hard to trust again, but I guess I don't see the reason you don't trust your hubby if he hasn't done anything wrong?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

You 100% sure he isn't just.... gay?


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Personally, I have a SERIOUS problem with the bisexual thing. It may be different with women (and I think it IS, hence your confusion), but I am pretty sure a man is either gay or straight. Bisexual means gay, but trying to live in a straight world. I'm sure he loves you, but how perfect that he met someone he loves AND can be a cover for his homosexuality. I'm wondering why you would have ever married a bisexual man in the first place, but that's water over the dam.

The problem with him being gay (besides the fact that he's living a lie with you), is the little problem of fidelity in the gay world. Traditionally it's the woman who says "no" to sex. Couple that with the traditionally higher male sex drive and you've got a problem (why do you think that AIDS spread like wildfire among the gay community in the 80's?). I've got a good friend that's gay and I'm pretty sure fidelity isn't expected in many (most?) gay relationships.

You don't necessarily need to snoop, but you REALLY have to work at honesty in your relationship. In the meantime, read up on male bisexuality.


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

It is difficult for me to respond to this; as I am going through the same thing (in a heterosexual relationship). However, I think the key is knowing the person and their intent and knowing yourself well enough to know what it will take (within yourself) for him to earn your trust back. You need to let him know (somehow) that you have concerns about some issues...you do not need to reveal why...but you do need to address the issues with him. 

where do you want this to go? In order for things to get better, you will need to feel that you can trust him; without having to feel that you are constantly living in denial of the facts that you already know. May need to open communications a bit more and figure out how to deal with the bisexuality. It is one thing to be in a heterosexual relationship and only have to worry about one group of people, but to open that door and have to worry about everyone; when you do not have full trust in the person, that is a lot for anyone to handle (I would think). 

I wish you the best of luck and wish I had a more solid answer for you.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

She doesn't have to worry about the women.


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