# my H is addicted to online games



## katem (Jan 9, 2009)

or is my husband just getting frustrated at me because he knows he's not doing his part. Before we got married he was addicted for a time to online gaming. I say addicted because he is not the guy that can play for fun for a bit and then move on to something else. Once he starts playing, it lasts for weeks and he does it for hours on end passing up family and business activities/responsibilities to play. I used to get really mad at him and try to give him a guilt trip about spending more time on the game that with his family. This time I have only gotten upset when he told me he was going to spend time with me and left me waiting on our bed for hours in this sexy little red thing i bought. Talk about feeling unwanted. Tonight (this is really silly and ridiculous) he asked me if i had any sweets and i told him no (i was joking because we've been trying to eat better) but i said it jokingly with a grin on my face. When i told him i did have chocolates he called me a liar and got really pissed and went up to play his game. Then he went off and said I am a F-ing lyer and was lying about a bunch of other stuff too which i am not. When I asked him what he thought I was lying about he said "I wouldn't know" and said he doesn't trust me anymore. I have always been open and honest with him. Do you think he is just trying to blame something on me so he feels justified in playing his game? Is that totally ridiculous to anyone else? I think he needs help but he would never in a million years admit he has a problem. It makes me feel unimportant and alone when he is so consumed by this game and I am hanging out alone and sleeping alone. Maybe I just need to get a hobby or make some new friends or something because I have two little girls under 2 and so most of my time is spent taking care of them, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. Also, all of my close friends have moved away. Also, even when he's not playing his game at all, he rarely initiates sex. When I initiate it, he sometimes wants to but I don't feel wanted like I have in other relationships. I thought guys had a higher sex drive than girls in most cases well not in mine.. I know he loves me but he wont open up about his fantasies and I try to liven things up but it is definietly a one-sided effort.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Hi Katem, 

My opinion your husband is a game addict for sure, a "habitual user." The most reinforcing behavior in his life currently is those games. The older I get the more I learn that life is about balance. I don't know how often you hub plays, i'm guessing 5+ hours a day? ask him to start systematically gradually reducing hours playing per day. For example: 5 hours a day for a few days, then 4, then 3, then 2, then 1 hour per day. At the same time you both are doing some alternate satisfying behavior together, or seperate. Until he is at say an hour a day or less...sounds like he has fallen into a rut he cannot get out of. He needs to replace that behavior and reward himself and you should reward him in ways you know for sure he would like to be rewarded even if with sweets, you can fade them later but right now the games must be dealt with Just don't allow a relapse... Maybe even put up a wall chart week by week and a daily reward for less game time. This method works well for any addiction i've found. It's simple behaviorism. Good luck!


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

My wife is the addict in our family, she is currently addicted to the Kids game Wizards101, yes I said kids game. My kids are on it and my wife got hooked in....

I only keep 1 PC in the house, so the 4 have to fight for time, so I have to delegate time for the PC, everyone gets 1 hour during school. weekends 2 hours each.

My wife will wake up at 4AM to go play on the PC, she doesn't think I know...but I always comment to her and my 6 year old got up early and ratted her out today...lol

I don't play on the PC much at home, I am on it at work all day and get sick of it.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Whoa. I thought my wife was bad on facebook !!!


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

sad part is my wife pretends she is 10 years old and in 5th grade...since it's a kid game...lol i asked if she had any boyfriends yet.... :rofl:


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## katem (Jan 9, 2009)

martino- how do you suggest i do this because i feel like if i suggested a chart or tried to organize a way for him to gradually tone down the online time he would get mad at me or just not listen. He would probably think i am trying to control him. He is a very good man but very stubborn and sometimes can be selfish about his agenda. He does what he wants when he wants and if anybody messes with that he gets pissed off and doesnt comply. Now i'm not trying to dictate what he does for a hobby or whatever but this is obviously more than a hobby. Any suggestions about how I could go about doing that?


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## katem (Jan 9, 2009)

i'm sorry you guys have to deal with the same thing too... its hard. But nice to know someone can relate.


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## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

Katem I have been a cyber widow for years too... my H goes through stages on gaming. It's been so bad sometimes he will stay up until 4 or 5 in the morning playing. Luckily for me he seems to phase off on his own after awhile, then he'll start again another time. We have always had issues with gaming though, all the way back to the first playstation!! I have no suggestions for you... just want to let you know others relate. I drop kicked my H's first playstation and that kind of made him realize how serious I was but I wouldn't recommend it for your pc... besides, the damn thing still worked after!!!


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## Wyst (Dec 27, 2008)

Some people might be tempted to call me an online gaming addict. I do play most days, and sometimes for quite a few hours at a time. I am also the the only breadwinner in this family.

However there is another thing in this equation. I am also a self-observer and I question why I do things and what I am getting out of them. 

I only started gaming after moving to Australia and after my middle son nagged to start a game. Initially it was to gain some understanding of the environment I was letting my kids into. Then I became fascinated by this instant real-time communication wtih people all over the world. It is fun. It's a place to gather with people and share goals and achievements. It's also a placed where one can receive a measure of verbal abuse and unpleasantness. I learnt from this experience and became better at leaving the unpleasantness with the person who typed it and not taking it on board. I toughened up. I asked fellow players about themselves and learnt about folk who had done time in prison and who were struggling to find work and decent friends and for whom gaming was their only social space - of course it's not all simplistic and sweet - that is about a fraction of their stories. My gaming led to me being in touch with a teen on the other side of my own continent and being an adult person he could communicate with when his mother disappeared and he had no idea where she was. I have met some wonderful people through my gaming.

My gaming has been my social place in a new country where the only people I knew at first were my immediate family and work colleagues. Now the community has grown and I met with my fellow Aussie gamers in my guild for a social get-together just yesterday - and what a fun time we had!

Now, in our family my spouse does not play games. However I have had years of his disappearing to the pub and not returning when he said he would. He does not understand if my eldest son is in a battle in his game and can't leap up from the PC immediately. I can. I can ask the eldest to do something when he's is finished that particular section of the game.

Gaming is also a means of escaping. I spend more hours playing when I am struggling to deal with other things - stressed from work etc.

It's interesting that because I understand what is involved in the gaming world I have a better time of it getting my sons to be cooperative.

Is it worth perhaps listening to your other half - hearing what his gaming is about, who his friends there are, what challenges they are tackling, who the enemy is... ?

My own experience is that if my spouse tries to make me feel guilty about my gaming I will fight back, ignore him, go into a closed and self-protective frame of mind. I get angry when people continually bag me out for being a gamer (I'm 43 - can can choose my own hobbies). I get angry because ....I am at home in the midst of my family - sitting alongside my kids and answering their questions and sharing and enjoying moments with them. I am not out getting drunk. When I am gaming, I am socialising. I could just as easily socialise by going out with friends or spending time writing letters or chatting on the phone. I could spend time out there playing poker or other gambling type games ignoring my family's needs. Instead I spend a small set amount per month on an activity that gives me pleasure.

When I first met my husband I went out of my way and interest area to understand something of sports. I learnt about rugby and became familiar with the boxers of the time and learnt about scoring, south paws and all sorts of things I had never glanced at before.

Perhaps showing an interest instead of looking for a fight would ease the tension that has been created. Less tension = less reason to avoid, and that may lead to a position where it is easier to make reasonable, understood and negotiated compromises regarding the gaming.

Hope this alternative take helps a bit.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Kate, 

I don't have an answer for you as I don't know your husband. You could start neglecting things that matter to him and let him see his environment go to crap. (like leaving dishes pile in the sink while you read one of those romance novels) Put off dinner because YOU are involved in doing something, But this isn't the best route as it guarantees a confrontation. You could start by dropping a subtle hint like: "You know we could be together more and accomplish more together if the game time was at least cut back," don't let it turn to argument just tell him that is how you feel. After that seed is planted I would be somewhat distant and unavailable after he has been gaming for over 1 hour. If he plays for a short time then stops, pour on the sweets indirectly and discreetly. Books by Aubrey Daniels like: "Other People's Habits" are a good read. Good luck...


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## Mona Lisa (Jan 11, 2009)

Im online in the living room, my husband is in the bedroom playing a game. last week he played 5 days straight, going to bed when i was getting ready for work each morning. I had to sleep (poorly) on the couch for 5 days. I have no advice but I feel your pain.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

This thread has me thinking that for adults I just don't get the gaming thing? what a huge waste of time. I spend time here because I like to think I help others and learn. But to sit and play a game for hours on end I just don't understand. And you sleeping on the couch? wow I wouldn't do that if my wife was gaming. I'd tell her to turn the ****ing thing off.


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## katem (Jan 9, 2009)

Thank you all - Junebug, its nice to know someone can relate. many a time have i felt like throwing that thing out the window but I can't believe you did it! I don't think I ever would because my husband has some anger issues that he has been working on and I want to encourage him not piss him off and send him into an outrage. That would just be kicking myself in the foot. 
Also Wyst - Thank you for giving me a perspective on the other side of things. This time I have tried to express an interest but also let him know that I want to compromise on things. He seems to be reacting better but sometimes he still tells me (w/out me even asking sometimes) that he is going to get off and spend some time w/me and the kids and then doesn't. That's what I hate the most. Don't say it if you're not going to do it. Also, I realize its good to have your own hobbies and I am glad he's not out at the bar instead. But, if you are online too much and your "hobby" is taking away from what your responsibilities are (for him its in church, business and spending some time with me and the kids) than its turned into something more than a hobby. Im not just saying that to you i'm just saying that in general.
Martino - I totally agree that it is a waste of time because its this fantasy land with all these missions that in real life don't mean anything. I do appreciate your advice and I find it very helpful. Last night I kind of did that. I spoil my husband and serve on him all the time. I don't know if its crippling but that is how I show love to him because he is an "acts of service" type of guy (from the 5 love languages book) and last night he asked me to make him some food after I was already in bed and had already made him food twice. He was playing his game so I said "I don't feel like it, just like you don't feel like getting off that thing and watching a movie with me" He ended getting off soon after that and we went to the kitchen together to find him a snack. But after that I wanted to have sex and he pushed me away but that is a whole different issue. I will try your suggestions though. Any suggestions about the sex? I know he loves me but has almost no sex drive and I am a very sexual person. It's like he doesn't save enough energy for me at the end of the day


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## Parallax (Dec 10, 2008)

I still consider myself a gamer, although my hours spent on it are severely limited these days. But I certainly know the feeling of looking up from your game and realizing that it's 2:30 in the morning and you have to be up for work in 4 hours.

For those of you saying you can't understand why adults would play games and that they seem like a waste of time - of course they're a waste of time. No one who is playing a computer game thinks that he's doing it to improve his life or make the world a better place. But games are fun. And they're not any more a waste of time than watching sports, or TV. In fact, given some of the shows that are on now, I'd say they're a lot better for your brain than some TV. 

Now, if games are taking up so much time that it's interfering with your family, that's a problem that needs to be addressed. But that's the person, not the game - the same things could be happening just as easily with another hobby. Look on the bright side - at least it's not gambling.


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## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

Katem- the best part is that I have a very even temper... apparently it has a breaking point somewhere!!! He was so shocked that I had done something like that it really got his attention. We have a joke in our house... he has a lack of Seratonin. I have an over abundance of 'f&*kitol'... cause I'm usually so laid back! Good luck with it!!


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Well maybe he is getting lazy and fat from hours of sitting and gaming. That couldn't help in sex drive. Sounds like you need to lead by example and get more active, show him you want to break out of the mold, show him, don't tell him. Mean time, save your best "you" for when he is acting romantic, immediately and I mean immediately after you get what you want the sex, attention, or even light romance is when you deliver the nicest snacks with a smile, ask him how his gaming is going, show a little interest in the game, be shiny, offer him a back rub. Of course decide how much to give based on what he did, if he pecks you on the cheek while walking by, that should still be rewarded but not as strongly as a roll in the sheets. Without you telling him, he learns that what he gives, he will get. If you have to bring him snacks when he is gaming too much and not showing attention, be late, make the food kind of sloppy, luke warm instead of hot, not enough meat on the sandwich, whatever, not the best. Don't pick up his mess, behave in a "neutral" distant manner but not rude. save your best you for when the time is right. When you save your best you for the right times, you are increasing the likeliness of that happening again, When he is getting your best you and still not having to do anything you want, why should he? right? you should have level 1, 2 and 3 of your Behavioral Psychology says that when we are rewarded for something we are more likely to do it again and when we are punished for something we are less likely to do it again. This applies to the "norm" segment of people of course. These methods have been scientifically proven to work for 70 years now.



Martino - I totally agree that it is a waste of time because its this fantasy land with all these missions that in real life don't mean anything. I do ap
preciate your advice and I find it very helpful. Last night I kind of did that. I spoil my husband and serve on him all the time. I don't know if its crippling but that is how I show love to him because he is an "acts of service" type of guy (from the 5 love languages book) and last night he asked me to make him some food after I was already in bed and had already made him food twice. He was playing his game so I said "I don't feel like it, just like you don't feel like getting off that thing and watching a movie with me" He ended getting off soon after that and we went to the kitchen together to find him a snack. But after that I wanted to have sex and he pushed me away but that is a whole different issue. I will try your suggestions though. Any suggestions about the sex? I know he loves me but has almost no sex drive and I am a very sexual person. It's like he doesn't save enough energy for me at the end of the day[/QUOTE]


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## Merin07 (Dec 10, 2008)

Hi Kate, I know exactly how you feel my husband is addicted to xbox 360. When we first started dating I didnt really see a problem with him playing because he did make time for me and we use to play together. It never became a true problem until we got married and I noticed that he would play more than he would work. He had a job where his boss was in a different state and he basically did the job on his own so he would go out work a few hours and then come home and play games for 4 - 6 hrs a day. It would get so bad that when I got home from work/school his eyes would be red from playing all day and of course nothing in the house would be done. I can't tell you that it has gotten better because it hasnt but he does have a different job and it requires much more of his time. but I have hid his games - not saying that it works but trying to tell him he has an hour to play is like telling a 4 yr old that he cant have the toy when your at the store. I am sorry you are going thru this but I do feel your pain. its sad to think that you come second to a video game.


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## maplechic (Mar 21, 2009)

Totally understand- my husband has loved that WOW game and only recently gave that up only to play Lord of the Rings online... And he wonders why we dont spend more time together- gee I wonder. If he isnt working or college, he is usually on that unless we have to go grocery shopping I can tear him away, but yeah I understand the frustration.


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## jackandnoahsmom (Apr 26, 2009)

I'm so glad I'm not the only one with this issue!

I had no idea my husband was a "gamer" until about 2 weeks after we got married. We had been living with my mom until we could move into our first place and on that day he made it a priority to set up the computer...before anything else!

The latest obsession is world of warcraft. Now, I'm all for having a hobby, but this is like a second job. He plays on average I would say 40 hours a week. He spends money on all sorts of bs for the game, money that we don't have to spend. And I've tried keeping track of his hours, to try to show him what he was doing...but he just got defensive with me. I've contemplated taking a baseball bat to the computer...but he spent $2000 on it and I'd hate to lose that. It's incredibly frustrating because it's like they are an alcoholic or something. The have an addiction and won't admit it. I don't really have any advice to offer...but I know exactly how you feel! Good luck!


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Ah...Warcraft continues to ruine marriages I see. My husband too is a WOW player. Now not to say I'm innocent I'm partial to the game myself...HOWEVER, I can do more than eat, sleep, sh*t, and WOW. We've had many an argument over this game. I kid you not he'd come home and before even changing out of his work clothes he'd log on.  Many a nights I've gone to bed alone


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I have heard of people like this, addicted to online games to the point of ignoring their responsibilities.
It's much the same as a drug addict or alcohol addiction only MORE IMMATURE ! It's a very sad thing to be married and find you have married someone with the mentality of a young teenager.
Sure am glad my husband is a responsible person as this would not fly with me where I get stuck doing everything.

I read your post and it is mostly in question of the sexual rejection you feel... hey, something to think about, maybe he has lost his spark and using the games to cover up the fact he can no longer perform sexually ( cant get it up) rather than the other way around !


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