# 2 years of Sexless Marriage - Wat to do??`



## falcon (Aug 19, 2009)

Well i am married since 2 years with a girl whom i dated for almost a year. And although the married life has been decent with its ups/downs and recession we have sailed the boat of any major financial crisis. Yes my wife lost her job a year ago and sits at home and just keeps cursing her destiny.

Well coming over to the more pertinent problem which has been troubling me since almost 15 months now... whenever i try to get romantic with my wife she tries to find a reason for not having sex. Maximum she wld do is allow me to suck her breast or maybe play around with her, but if i say i want to hit the third base she wld be like no way u just keep ur undies on and do it docent allow me to go into her on most 99% of times. She just complaints shes depressed or is not in mood or worried abt our future or curses her destiny and on on on......

Now so many times i tried i feel like a sex pervert whos desperate to be lucky.... and now have more the feeling of guilt and rejection in my head and dont approach her... and yesterday nite she asks me why dont u get aroused seeing me anymore like before... and she started crying that i dont like her anymore coz of her extra gained pounds and lost sexy figure .... which is not completely true coz i dont want to disappoint my self and i tried to explain this to her but she really dosent get it.... shes fearing i am having an affair or started liking slimmer girls...whcih is absolutely untrue....

Now when i did some deep thinking abt this i did come across with following:
1. I dont want to approach her anymore coz it feels like too awkward to keep asking and being rejected in different ways...
2. Her extra 30 pounds she gained does play on my mind at times coz she looks obscene in most of her clothes and her fat hands and thighs turns me off... and on top she dosent want to wear anything nice or dress for me at all.....
3. I see sexier ladies arnd me and feel even more dejected wondering how lucky their hubbies and sex life might be coz i dont even get anything... mind u i am not even looking out for infidelity... but the fact tht i dont even get any sex out of this marriage makes me feel worse then ever b4....
4. Sometimes i wonder shld i leave her this way it makes her happy living her life in her own way and take me out of this miserably the reason i say so is because i feel my personal life problems is affecting my professional life now.... at times i speak with my parent rudely and dont want to meet my Friends coz i feel jealous of em.... worst i dont want to think abt kids and really spoil their lives because of tensions between them...

So can anyone please advise what should i do am i really asking for too much from my wife in this dire times or its just that we are sexually incompatible??

Whats your thought ladies and gentlemen??


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Maybe if you stopped thinking of her in terms of being a sex object and began worrying about her destiny too, it would help her feelings about intimacy with you.

BTW, it might help us to understand your plight better if you learned how to spell. Not a grammar nazi, but dang, use a spellchecker.


----------



## gabejoel (Jul 8, 2009)

Ok, i can understand totally about being in a dire sitiuation.My hubby and i had to move back home crosscountry with our 5 month old son,two cats and only what we could fit in the rented van!He lost his job, and was not even getting paid...we had to sell everything we owned just too leave and get back to the mid west.Now we are making it work! my hub, went through alot of bull with his job and not having one and me not working for the first time in my life because of our son...he was going to lose it.I stuck it out...because i love him deeply, but what she needs to do is quit being selfish.It is your life too.You need to have a deep eye to eye conversation about what is bothering you and what is up with her?Be honest even if it hurts.We did and got through it.I only hope that you both have the same kind of love and toughness that we do.Sex is a major player in a marriage...people tend to forget that sometimes.If nothing comes of it then suggest counseling.


----------



## falcon (Aug 19, 2009)

Michzz.... i am not treating my wife as a SEX object.... yes but i demand for one because i am loyal to her and would like to have this wonderful thing only with the person i love the most ...... so having said that i also believe sex plays a pivotal role in giving a new meaning to the relationship because when you have a committed relationship you want to share everything with the person not just talk like roommates or stay like living in working friends... shes the special person whom i want to love date out make dinner for... etc...


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think you missed my point.

what I am trying to say is that you are focused on getting laid. Believe me, I know the feeling. Nothing really wrong with that. we all want that (most men that is). However, your wife is consumed by other things right now.

Depressed about her destiny, ashamed about her body, and not liking to be approached for sex for x,y, and z reasons.

It's not fair to you that you have to pick this lock, but pick it you must or you will not have a satisfying sex life with your wife.

So how do you go about it?

You have to have a candid and upfront conversation with her about your needs and her needs as a starter.


----------



## They Call Me Smooth (May 5, 2009)

Get tour wife on a treadmill. Sorry I have seen this too many times to miss what it is. She doesn't want to be nude in front of you.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I think it is fair to ask your wife to discuss this with you. If she refuses - and she WILL refuse at first - because she will try to intimidate you into dropping the subject you need to be strong. You need to be willing to say: I am not willing to live my life celibate long term. I love you, and want to make our marriage work, and so I NEED you to be honest with me and tell me what is causing you to deny both of us sexual intimacy. 

Just be aware. Most women, when pressed hard, even if they think the marriage is at risk, they may lie about the causes. They may say I am too stressed, or too busy or whatever. And those things are not true. There is something between the two of you, it could be simple things like she wants you to shower, shave and brush your teeth before getting in bed. It could be that she thinks you are fat, or that you are selfish in bed and don't try hard to get her over the finish line. But it is one or more major things and if she thinks that you will let her keep you ignorant of the problems, she WILL keep you ignorant.


----------



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

At least you havent threatened her that you will go find someone else to have sex with and she would never know, like my husband did this monring. He thought I was saying a complete no to him, however, I just wanted a bit more than groping for 5 seconds and asked nicely if we could explore each other first. I posted on another thread.

However, that being said, I think the advice to join her in her worries about her destiny are vital to her connecting with you, emotionally and then otherwise. If she feels misunderstood or that you dont care about those concerns, than she will continue to remain closed in all ways to you. Ask her what her fears are, see if you can think of ways to help her situation (look for another job?... find happiness at home?... ) listen to her, and respond with that must be terrifying, or upsetting, or whatever emotiuon she seems to be expressing about it... women like it when their mate can sympathize with them, and it makes us feel we can then connect with you.

Good luck!


----------



## falcon (Aug 19, 2009)

Well what happens is whenever i bring the subject she turns her head pretending she is dead tired or depressed. When i discuss all the emotional topic of hers and try to soothe her she is fine but after that she just wants to goto bed or cuddle and sleep which is fine with me but this happens all the time each day... and not tht i am looking at my wife as a sex object or desperate to get in her... but being sexual with someone u love is a very normal thing and i really feel my passion and love for her....

While i have discussed all her worries and tensions she would getup next day and come back as a clean slate with same worries and tensions... day in and day out this has been the story making me wonder at times does GOD exist... the relationship which one dreams to blossom into marriage and going forward to spend life with each other has boiled down being a one sided affair... when i watch a movie or some show she wants me to be next to her talking abt her life oproblems... when its time for her shows dosent matter where i am ... when its time for being romantic she gives a cold shoulder.... and when it comes to sex its non existent..

specially when u ask for a blow or hand i have always seen women feeling its a DIRTY thing or something real bad omen to ask for... which i dont get as ... i dont taste bad and keep my privates extra clean... ohh welll i think i shld clearup and NOT expect any sex from this marraige and live a monk's life....


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

falcon said:


> Well i am married since 2 years with a girl whom i dated for almost a year. And although the married life has been decent with its ups/downs and recession we have sailed the boat of any major financial crisis. Yes my wife lost her job a year ago and sits at home and just keeps cursing her destiny.
> 
> Well coming over to the more pertinent problem which has been troubling me since almost 15 months now... whenever i try to get romantic with my wife she tries to find a reason for not having sex. Maximum she wld do is allow me to suck her breast or maybe play around with her, but if i say i want to hit the third base she wld be like no way u just keep ur undies on and do it docent allow me to go into her on most 99% of times. She just complaints shes depressed or is not in mood or worried abt our future or curses her destiny and on on on......
> 
> ...



Do you have the courage to INSIST on getting answers from your wife to reasonable questions that you ask:
1. Are you still attracted to me?
2. If not, what has changed (looks, weight, personality)
3. If so, what is preventing us from connecting on a regual basis? 
4. Do you understand how rejected I feel over this situation?
5. How important is YOUR desire to help us both work towards resolution

What is resolutions/a happy sex life for you?

What do you think it is for me?


----------



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Great questions MEM...!!!!


----------



## falcon (Aug 19, 2009)

Do you have the courage to INSIST on getting answers from your wife to reasonable questions that you ask:
1. Are you still attracted to me?
She says yes i am only attracted to you.
2. If not, what has changed (looks, weight, personality)
nothing changed apart from me working more and getting More $$$$ in this bad economy
3. If so, what is preventing us from connecting on a regular basis? 
hmm forget regular even once in a blue moon basis she feels i am a sex addict.... she says we are perfectly normal couple with great physical chemistry.....
4. Do you understand how rejected I feel over this situation?
she says she understands but i am blowing it out of proportion and all i want in this marriage is sex and not understanding her feelings and situation and mental state. 
5. How important is YOUR desire to help us both work to wards resolution
she docent want to leave me but doesn't want to try much either....

What is resolutions/a happy sex life for you?
no response
What do you think it is for me? 
she thinks all i want is sex.


Now coming back to me being sex addict... i felt hurt or more devastated with this comment... coz this is me who is not getting sex for almost 2 years.... one who hasn't went to a adult bar or resorted to infidelity.... i have been loyal to her... done the dishes ... vacuumed the house... cooked food and on top made sure enough money was always there to pay all her credit cards and regular bills....and then sometimes she acts immature that since i am the only earning member i am showing my attitude... and since she has to ask me for money i treat her as servant... i am lost for words here .... life isn't always rosy i get that... but i really cannot take this negative energy and despair anymore...

Should i just call the marriage off and relieve her and me from the misery.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is not solvable. This is what will happen if you spend your hard earned money on a MC. They will say she is depressed and give her medicine. And they will tell YOU, that the depression medicine will - get this - LOWER HER SEX DRIVE. LOL. It will be a built in medical excuse for her to continue to deny you sex. 

Your wife KNOWS that sex is important. She KNOWS that less then once a week / twice a week is not fair to you. She KNOWS that she is in the wrong. She is simply lying to you and trying to manipulate YOU into feeling guilty. This is what most REFUSERS do. And REFUSER is the correct term for someone who refuses a normal amount of marital sex, and refuses to try to resolve why, and BLAMES the normal healthy person who just wants normal healthy loving relationship. 

You have a good job. PLENTY of women will want you. Walk away. 

By the way - she doesn't think you have the balls to do that. To walk away. As soon as you start packing she will start simultaneously saying you are a jerk for leaving over sex and also promising to make it better. It will ONLY get better until she thinks she has you back under her thumb and then she will stop having sex with you again. This is a woman who:
- Is blatantly lying to you - does not respect you
- Is NOT attracted to you
- Is ONLY going to bring you misery

You have already lost 2 years of your life - don't be like these other guys who only wake up after 25 years and then worry they are too OLD to find someone new. 








brighterlight said:


> I am really surprised both of you have not been to a marriage counselor yet. It sounds to me like she is in a deep state of depression and her weight gain has only fueled the situation. Anti-depressants for while could help her. There has to be a reason that she is not being sexually intimate with you. It sure sounds like she is clinically depressed to me - which incidently can lead to weight gain. It can't hurt to seek professional help.


----------



## falcon (Aug 19, 2009)

brighterlight said:


> I am really surprised both of you have not been to a marriage counselor yet. It sounds to me like she is in a deep state of depression and her weight gain has only fueled the situation. Anti-depressants for while could help her. There has to be a reason that she is not being sexually intimate with you. It sure sounds like she is clinically depressed to me - which incidental can lead to weight gain. It can't hurt to seek professional help.


Marriage counseling i have seen with my friends and family hasn't really healed th relation but just highlighted the problems and calmed the issues to some extent. Burying the issue is not a solution i feel; resolving the issue is. 

I tried myself to talk to her and she is not ready to open up and there isn't anything in her past or present which i am aware of which should ever bother her. I do not deny depression and weight are related but her being fat or depressed hasn't caused me to love her any less at all. In fact i understand it but what it boils down is how long can i carry on seeing my relationship physical/mental die. I read on so many blogs and articles and all polls indicated a sexless marriage has resulted to 80% chances of a divorce. 

I really am out of words beyond this on this marriage counseling recommendation.


----------



## falcon (Aug 19, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> This is not solvable. This is what will happen if you spend your hard earned money on a MC. They will say she is depressed and give her medicine. And they will tell YOU, that the depression medicine will - get this - LOWER HER SEX DRIVE. LOL. It will be a built in medical excuse for her to continue to deny you sex.
> 
> Your wife KNOWS that sex is important. She KNOWS that less then once a week / twice a week is not fair to you. She KNOWS that she is in the wrong. She is simply lying to you and trying to manipulate YOU into feeling guilty. This is what most REFUSERS do. And REFUSER is the correct term for someone who refuses a normal amount of marital sex, and refuses to try to resolve why, and BLAMES the normal healthy person who just wants normal healthy loving relationship.
> 
> ...


 
I somewhat agree to you "MEM11363"; but then isn't marriage all about give and take and adjusting to your partner. I just cant imagine giving divorce to a person just because her libido is less active then mine. What if tomorrow i met with an accident and have a implant in my leg. So then since i am not completely fit guy would my wife leave me ?

Personally i believe in taking this out and finding a solution but then again i wonder its been 2 years and 25 more to go... and you are right when i get frustrated and/or threatened then she does have mercy sex with me kind of just to make me feel a Lil wanted ; but then over from next day she is back to her usual ***** world... where she feels she wants to be in control and feels i am not going to go anywhere but stick around with her sick attitutde....


----------



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Yep, it will only get better until the REFUSER thinks she has you back under her thumb! That happened to me and my husband. Promises of more sex and then REFUSE. I am actually nervous to see how long this little connecting encounter we are having now (no, not while I type... meaing yesterday and today) will last... it may be just another ploy to entice me to stick around only to go back to saying no again and again. Crossing my fingers!


----------



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Wow Falcon, yes having a spouse who will not have sex with you is a reason to leave. She is controlling you and making you feel like the perpetrator. If you have no children you can leave. I have children who adore their new step dad, I chose to stay and work things out like any married couple would at least try, bc of the kids (and bc I am very attracted to him). If I had no kids that were attatched to him, I would have been long gone to find a partner who was willing to have mutual expressions of affection... not the controlling refusal and then point the blame on me back and forth that has been going on. Best of luck to you...


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Falcon,
Choose to love - really nailed this. And you asked me about - what happens if you got in an accident and then had a prosthetic leg. So here is my answer. If someone has a REAL illness, a real accident/injury then of course you are supporting. Your wife is choosing to ignore your single biggest need. That is not an accident, that is a choice. Your wife does NOT care about YOUR happiness even though her happiness is your highest priority. 

One thing I know is true: If you act like a doormat, people are going to wipe their shoes all over you. 

You are her little doormat. 










Choose2love said:


> Wow Falcon, yes having a spouse who will not have sex with you is a reason to leave. She is controlling you and making you feel like the perpetrator. If you have no children you can leave. I have children who adore their new step dad, I chose to stay and work things out like any married couple would at least try, bc of the kids (and bc I am very attracted to him). If I had no kids that were attatched to him, I would have been long gone to find a partner who was willing to have mutual expressions of affection... not the controlling refusal and then point the blame on me back and forth that has been going on. Best of luck to you...


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Choose2love said:


> Yep, it will only get better until the REFUSER thinks she has you back under her thumb! That happened to me and my husband. Promises of more sex and then REFUSE. I am actually nervous to see how long this little connecting encounter we are having now (no, not while I type... meaing yesterday and today) will last... it may be just another ploy to entice me to stick around only to go back to saying no again and again. Crossing my fingers!


:iagree:

Good luck!


----------



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Ok, marriage counseling is not the only option. Does she have any girl friends? Does she talk with them, or anyone about how she feels? I isolated when I was in my previous marriage when I was being abused. I think it would have helped if I had talked to someone, anyone about what was going on. Now with the sex issues I have with husband, I talk with my girlfriends and they share with me, and I feel so much more hopeful about everything than before. 

If she doesnt have girlfriends, maybe see if she would be interested in going to Curves or Jenny Craig... both which bolster self esteem through connection and making positive health changes in your life. Tell her its not about losing weight, its about the connection with others who may be feeling the same way she does. IMO, groups like that help more than therapy sometimes or in combination with therapy. Marriage counseling works if there is something that you both need to commit to working out that is between the 2 of you... it sounds like the issue is within her and how she feels about herself right now. Encourage her to feel better about herself, and maybe then you can return to a better relationship. She needs to pick herself up by her bootstraps and start living... if she cannot, then she needs meds and individual therapy. If she will not, then that is another issue... feeling sorry for yourself does nobody any good.

Bottom line: the more I read your posts, the more it seems this is NOT a couple issue, this IS an individual issue... hers. Its affecting your marriage bc she is part of that marriage... her issue is infecting your marriage actually. Either she is healthy and controlling you or she is unhealthy and needs much help... she is where the change needs to take place... as I see it, no matter what you do, nothing changes. Bets of luck.


----------

