# Adult Child Divorce Perspective



## OnwardNUpward (Feb 17, 2021)

I hold a view of marriage as a lifelong institution. The exceptions to this for me would include a relationship that was physically abusive or a relationship where the spouse started a new life with a new partner. This was the expectation that my wife and I held until recently and the one that my children heard expressed as they were growing up.

My wife and I have a signed divorce settlement. At this point we are just waiting for the judge to make it official. It has come to my attention that my adult daughter and one of her brothers see the divorce in a celebratory manner. I think that this view was promoted to them by my wife. In other words, they see the divorce as a celebration of their mother's freedom from unhappiness.

This point of view has been shared with me in a limited manner. These two of my four children are of the perspective that both parties can now go on to find happiness that they were not presently experiencing in their marriage. They are aware that the divorce has been devastating to me emotionally, that I grieved heavily for months on end. They are aware that I went to counselling even though my wife refused to go. They are not aware of what went on in the divorce that was calculated for maximum gain for her. They see me having to rely on family to find me a place to rent that would take the three dogs (she takes no responsibility for them) as an exciting opportunity to live near my brother in a new state and have fun times. They seem blind to the fact that divorce left me thousands of dollars in the hole. With no income and in a job search in a new city, I am on the brink of disaster, yet they seem oblivious to the fact that the divorce itself wreaked disaster on me.

How does one reconcile this disconnect with their children? I don't want them to take sides, but it appears that they have. Do I just love them where they are at and ignore their celebratory perspective? I certainly am not going to share what their mother did or how she is equally responsible for the unhappiness we were both experiencing in our marriage. That will do no good. For those of you with a similar experience, did the passage of time help to resolve this?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Your children have eyes and ears. I imagine they have a pretty realistic idea of why the marriage didn't work. But hey, at least it worked long enough to get the children grown up. It's horrible being a child in a household with a lot of tension and recrimination and none of that goes past the children. one hopes the parents leave them out of it and don't get them involved but once there are certain age they have minds of their own and they can put two and two together.


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## OnwardNUpward (Feb 17, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Your children have eyes and ears. I imagine they have a pretty realistic idea of why the marriage didn't work. But hey, at least it worked long enough to get the children grown up. It's horrible being a child in a household with a lot of tension and recrimination and none of that goes past the children. one hopes the parents leave them out of it and don't get them involved but once there are certain age they have minds of their own and they can put two and two together.


Well, the marriage worked for 37 years. You speak of putting two and two together. Does this mean that as they watch me struggle to survive while their mother is comfortably living off of money she held out of the marriage that they will further celebrate realizing by putting two and two together that not only did mom choose divorce for greater happiness, she shrewdly did so, making her new life even that much more celebratory?

I was looking for more of a serious discussion of the dynamic regarding adult children and how to find the right balance. Your comments don't do anything to address this. Since children take different perspectives with two of the four not seeing the divorce as a celebration, what if the other two are right? Does this mean that two of my children are astute and the other two are oblivious? My children are all still in contact with me and all still love me. The question was about finding my way forward with them, not about accepting the judgement of others who can judge for themselves. Judging is the very thing I am trying to work around here. Reveling in the judgement of others is small minded.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Children probably do not see money as the most important facet of the divorce.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

It is clear that your wife has engaged in nothing but alienation of you from the kids - she seems to have spun a story that makes them think this is for the best. It is clearly wrong of her to have done this and I do sympathise with your situation - they cannot see the facts or anything close to what the reality of the situation is. And they will not without you involving them in an all out war with your wife. The right thing would have been to keep them out of this and reassure them of your (both of you) love for them but it seems that your wife did not do this. The only thing that you can do is be the best that you can be and hope that in time they will come to understand the true horror of this story. You should continue to be the dad that they have always had and refuse to engage in any discussions about the divorce. Do what you need to do to be well and survive this. Do not let them or anyone else influence what you do next and I am afraid that you cannot and should not take what they feel and have to say in consideration. "I am sorry that you think that this is what happened" is going to be the only phrase that you might quote to them along with "I would prefer you guys not to get involved in this without knowing all the facts" - in short butt out.


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## OnwardNUpward (Feb 17, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Children probably do not see money as the most important facet of the divorce.


Nor should they. I would argue that it was the money that brought on the divorce. She felt that she could position herself better for retirement without having to share with me. 

When my mom was going through cancer treatment and finding it very difficult to be in the house with my father, I took the side of seeing my father's critical nature as being harmful to my mom's recovery. I flat-out recommended that she go and live at my brother's house while she was in treatment in order to focus on getting herself healthy. At the same time, I did not alienate my father. I did not condone his critical behavior, and although it was no picnic for my mom, I have thanked her multiple times for staying with my father throughout my childhood years, even through two trips to counselling where he always refused to make any effort to change. Despite his failings, he was a good man and my life would have suffered if my mom chose the path of divorce. I never had difficulty as an adult telling my father to stop one of his critical attacks of my mom.

I carry the baggage of being the child of a critical father. I often visited that critical nature upon my spouse. The children have seen this inappropriate critical aspect of my relationship with their mother. They do not see that she withdrew from the marriage, that she showed me no affection, that she withheld intimacy from me for years. They were gone from the house by the time she was no longer doing anything related to me outside of managing the money and buying groceries. I maintained the house. I maintained the cars. I mowed the lawn. I made my meals. I did the laundry. I cleaned the house. I provided most of the income. I continued to buy her flowers and to provide scavenger hunts for her birthday and Valentine's Day until the last year when I could not take any more of the withdrawal and I gave up. There are two sides to any relationship. She felt marginalized and barely tolerated. I felt abandoned and emotionally attacked. We were both wrong in what we were doing. The children are on the outside looking in. While I can understand their judgement, the point at which they see the divorce as a liberating and positive puts them at odds with me. This is the difficult part. We are all human, with our own failings. I am hoping for a healthy way forward with each of them.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It all just takes time. They will overtime get a new perspective on both of you as they watch you operating independently.


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## OnwardNUpward (Feb 17, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> It is clear that your wife has engaged in nothing but alienation of you from the kids - she seems to have spun a story that makes them think this is for the best. It is clearly wrong of her to have done this and I do sympathise with your situation - they cannot see the facts or anything close to what the reality of the situation is. And they will not without you involving them in an all out war with your wife. The right thing would have been to keep them out of this and reassure them of your (both of you) love for them but it seems that your wife did not do this. The only thing that you can do is be the best that you can be and hope that in time they will come to understand the true horror of this story. You should continue to be the dad that they have always had and refuse to engage in any discussions about the divorce. Do what you need to do to be well and survive this. Do not let them or anyone else influence what you do next and I am afraid that you cannot and should not take what they feel and have to say in consideration. "I am sorry that you think that this is what happened" is going to be the only phrase that you might quote to them along with "I would prefer you guys not to get involved in this without knowing all the facts" - in short butt out.


Thanks. I truly believe that my wife thought she was doing the right thing. She has failed to take ownership for her portion of the relationship and that has allowed her to take an adversarial position.

It looks like the best course may be to just get on with life and not address the view that my children hold. It will become obvious to them that I see no celebration in divorce. Even if I find greater happiness in the future, I will forever mourn the loss of this marriage.


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## SGr (Mar 19, 2015)

OnwardNUpward said:


> Thanks. I truly believe that my wife thought she was doing the right thing. She has failed to take ownership for her portion of the relationship and that has allowed her to take an adversarial position.
> 
> It looks like the best course may be to just get on with life and not address the view that my children hold. It will become obvious to them that I see no celebration in divorce. Even if I find greater happiness in the future, I will forever mourn the loss of this marriage.


Should your children inquire about the details of your relationship and what led to the divorce, you just need to be honest. There's no need to "protect" them now that they're grown. 

As adults they should be able to handle this new knowledge, and in the long run it could help them navigate their own relationships given what they could learn from your experience. 

Tapatalk


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## OnwardNUpward (Feb 17, 2021)

SGr said:


> Should your children inquire about the details of your relationship and what led to the divorce, you just need to be honest. There's no need to "protect" them now that they're grown.
> 
> As adults they should be able to handle this new knowledge, and in the long run it could help them navigate their own relationships given what they could learn from your experience.
> 
> Tapatalk


Thanks. It may take quite some time for that to ever happen. I have had some candid discussions with my mom in her old age after Dad's death. She told me that he would not work on his part of the relationship in therapy and that one therapist just kicked him out. I am disappointed that he never felt the need to talk to me about this failing. My mom has been careful to note that my father had an extremely difficult childhood. He was the only member of the family who was not an alcoholic. When he was a little boy, his parents would go off on a weekend bender and leave him. He also experienced the trauma of watching his drunken father chase his mother with a kitchen knife. Plenty of trauma to feed the dysfunction in his life. I am thankful that my mom pointed out the brokenness of my father's childhood.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

OnwardNUpward said:


> .....My wife and I have a signed divorce settlement. At this point we are just waiting for the judge to make it official. It has come to my attention that my adult daughter and one of her brothers see the divorce in a celebratory manner. I think that this view was promoted to them by my wife. In other words, they see the divorce as a celebration of their mother's freedom from unhappiness.
> 
> ....They are aware that the divorce has been devastating to me emotionally, that I grieved heavily for months on end. They are aware that I went to counselling even though my wife refused to go. They are not aware of what went on in the divorce that was calculated for maximum gain for her. They see me having to rely on family to find me a place to rent that would take the three dogs (she takes no responsibility for them) as an exciting opportunity to live near my brother in a new state and have fun times. They seem blind to the fact that divorce left me thousands of dollars in the hole. With no income and in a job search in a new city, I am on the brink of disaster, yet they seem oblivious to the fact that the divorce itself wreaked disaster on me.
> 
> How does one reconcile this disconnect with their children? I don't want them to take sides, but it appears that they have. D*o I just love them where they are at and ignore their celebratory perspective?* I certainly am not going to share what their mother did or how she is equally responsible for the unhappiness we were both experiencing in our marriage. That will do no good. For those of you with a similar experience, did the passage of time help to resolve this?


Hasn't happened to me, but people I know. I have seen adult children act horribly to their parents new relationships, even when it was due to death and not divorce.

Yes, family is for life. You continue to love your children. You should also try to continue to love the woman who blessed your life with wonderful adult children. Maybe not in the way your first loved her, but in a way that acknowledges those aspects that she improved your life. To get through the grieving process you need to reach acceptance. That means you need to forgive her and move on with your life. To heal you need to forgive her, no matter how evil she was to you. She is a flawed human being, all human beings have flaws, some more than others. Forgive her. Move one.

Yes, the signing of a divorce papers is an important milestone. Milestones in life should be celebrated. It is important to celebrate good things and not-so-good things. Think of the celebration as a "wake" after the death of a close friend, but instead of celebrating the end of the relationship and the resulting problems, think of it as celebrating the good times.

I once celebrated being fired from a job after I found another job. Sometimes it is all about how you look at things.

Good luck.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

OnwardNUpward said:


> ........ I am thankful that my mom pointed out the brokenness of my father's childhood.


It sounds like your mom found some closure and explanation for your father's human flaws. 

You need to try to find some closure for yourself. It might take counseling or you might be able to do it yourself.

Learn, from your mom. Good luck.


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## OnwardNUpward (Feb 17, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> It sounds like your mom found some closure and explanation for your father's human flaws.
> 
> You need to try to find some closure for yourself. It might take counseling or you might be able to do it yourself.
> 
> Learn, from your mom. Good luck.


Thanks for your words of encouragement. This is definitely a process. Learning to let the children be and not be hurt by their position will take time. Forgiving my wife while not holding anger toward her actions will take time. Since she is a person who does not process emotion and pushes away unwanted emotion, I will likely never be able to speak my truth with any kind of acceptance on her part. This makes it difficult for when she will inevitably wish to rekindle all of the things she liked about the relationship. She wishes to see me as a friendly neighbor. I am sickened by the suggestion. Time may never get me past that.

Healing and finding my way is clearly going to take time.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Have you spoken to either of them about your feelings of betrayal, and asked them why they see something that is devastating for YOU in a positive way...??

I'm NOT saying that it's wrong of them to have the feelings they have, I'm wondering if you've talked to them at all about it, and about your reality and feelings.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Children are often the ultimate disappointment. It could be because of the parents earlier actions, ah, but not always.

Children 'wish' to like their parents. 
Make it easy on them by being kind to them.

Never whine or complain about their mother. 
It will backfire on you, making you seem the cause of the divorce.

That critical nature of your's you mentioned, yeah, that is what they remember.

Be a great father.....

Just, do it from far away.

I would look into moving to another state, maybe one with a good climate.
You are already broke, all you need is another job, right?

Absence makes the heart fonder.

They will come around, it is in their best interest.
Let them come to you, not the other way around.


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## OnwardNUpward (Feb 17, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Have you spoken to either of them about your feelings of betrayal, and asked them why they see something that is devastating for YOU in a positive way...??
> 
> I'm NOT saying that it's wrong of them to have the feelings they have, I'm wondering if you've talked to them at all about it, and about your reality and feelings.


I understand why a person may have those feelings. One cannot hold the view of marriage that I hold and hold to those sentiments. I do not deny them the right to their feelings. I was just hoping that in light of seeing me grieve for four months and knowing that I was frequently close to death in my grief that it would cause some sort of reality check on their point of view. While it is totally possible for my spouse and even for me to be happier in the years to come than we have been in the last portion of our marriage (I would like to hope so), it does not follow that the destruction of a marriage is the remedy for unhappiness. The act of divorce is destructive. It destroys. To take joyful celebration in destruction is not something I would ever validate. It is wrong. The divorce itself is not a device of happiness. It is in the time following the destruction of the unity of two souls, the destruction of financial stability, and the fragmentation of the family unit that the person may find the happiness they are seeking. Now, they may see it as a freedom from unhappiness and that may be what all the celebrating is all about, but since happiness is something we each seek in the moment, I would say that they did not do any of the work required for what they seek while they were married. It does not follow that in the absence of their marriage, their happiness will arrive. To the contrary, they will discover that they still must do the work of choosing happiness in the moment. Freedom from an unhappy marriage is not a celebration, but an attempt to escape one's own reality.

I understand how the children and even friends/family of mine see this as an opportunity for my happiness. It may be because it is not their marriage that must be destroyed for this quest.


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## OnwardNUpward (Feb 17, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Children are often the ultimate disappointment. It could be because of the parents earlier actions, ah, but not always.
> 
> Children 'wish' to like their parents.
> Make it easy on them by being kind to them.
> ...


You make some good points. It really boils down to trying to love them the best that I can. It may mean that I am going to need some space for quite some time. The family is fractured now. There is no fixing that.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

OnwardNUpward said:


> I understand why a person may have those feelings. One cannot hold the view of marriage that I hold and hold to those sentiments. I do not deny them the right to their feelings. I was just hoping that in light of seeing me grieve for four months and knowing that I was frequently close to death in my grief that it would cause some sort of reality check on their point of view. While it is totally possible for my spouse and even for me to be happier in the years to come than we have been in the last portion of our marriage (I would like to hope so), it does not follow that the destruction of a marriage is the remedy for unhappiness. The act of divorce is destructive. It destroys. To take joyful celebration in destruction is not something I would ever validate. It is wrong. The divorce itself is not a device of happiness. It is in the time following the destruction of the unity of two souls, the destruction of financial stability, and the fragmentation of the family unit that the person may find the happiness they are seeking. Now, they may see it as a freedom from unhappiness and that may be what all the celebrating is all about, but since happiness is something we each seek in the moment, I would say that they did not do any of the work required for what they seek while they were married. It does not follow that in the absence of their marriage, their happiness will arrive. To the contrary, they will discover that they still must do the work of choosing happiness in the moment. Freedom from an unhappy marriage is not a celebration, but an attempt to escape one's own reality.
> 
> I understand how the children and even friends/family of mine see this as an opportunity for my happiness. It may be because it is not their marriage that must be destroyed for this quest.


But you haven't answered my questions...


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Your children are all adults correct? I wouldn’t worry so much what they think.


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## OnwardNUpward (Feb 17, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> But you haven't answered my questions...


I had a brief conversation with my youngest son during the divorce. I informed him that his mother and I talked and she agreed to join me in counselling. His immediate reply was, "I hope that ability to have happiness will be considered." In other words, not only is this not good news to me, but I think you are once again sabotaging Mom's happiness. I was crushed. I called him later. I called every one of my children that evening. I told them that I was sorry for how I had failed their mother in front of them. I explained that I was in counselling and learning about my failings. I was learning about relationship dynamics and what my wife and I both did wrong. My youngest was aware of this. I had the refrigerator plastered with things I was learning and attempting to implement in my life. I also told each of my children that I was sorry for how I had failed them as a father and any hurt that I had caused them. I offered each one of them the opportunity to attend therapy with me where they could seek healing.

As for my youngest, I said to him that since his mother had agreed to try to repair our relationship, I felt it to be a reasonable request that he would be supportive and not obstructive. He agreed. The next day, my wife withdrew her commitment to go to counselling.

In all of this, it has only been my youngest child who has openly grieved in front of me. He understands that the family will now be fractured. No more family gatherings as a whole, no more unity. He now belongs to a divorce-fractured family and I see that it hurts him. He is realizing that there is no easy way to compartmentalize this experience.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

ONU, typically when the whole family supports one parent over the other, there's a reason for it. It could be a bad or distorted reason like one spouse manipulating the children to think they were a victim when they were in fact a perpetrator but it is a reason nonetheless. It's not clear from your posts what the reason is and I don't believe it's "happiness". I believe the "happiness" is a smokescreen for something else. What do you think your wife and kids really mean when they talk about "happiness"?

Could you talk more about how you were critical with your wife? Did your children witness you saying mean or critical things to her? Did you say them to the kids too? In what ways did you fail your wife by not making her happy and in what ways did you fail the kids? What exactly were you apologizing for?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Although the OP question is about adult children, his not so subtle other agenda sounds like: why me! Whaaaa, why me, my wife is taking me to the cleaners, it's not fair.

Dude: get off the horse you're trying to ride, whatever let your wife decide that you were not longer worthy to her, you did not prepared ahead for the eventually that you could be taken to the cleaners. It's your fault, stop crying about, you let it all happened.

Why is it that you cannot have the guts to tell it like it is to your adult children? But even if you do, your wife was much smarter than you. I bet she paved the way for a long time toward getting the children toward her side of things. I don't think for one minute that you were Mr. Nice in the marriage. It's obvious, because you have not mentioned it at all. It takes two to tango, and most likely you were dancing to another tune for a long time in the marriage for your wife to want to get out of it.


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## OnwardNUpward (Feb 17, 2021)

nekonamida said:


> ONU, typically when the whole family supports one parent over the other, there's a reason for it. It could be a bad or distorted reason like one spouse manipulating the children to think they were a victim when they were in fact a perpetrator but it is a reason nonetheless. It's not clear from your posts what the reason is and I don't believe it's "happiness". I believe the "happiness" is a smokescreen for something else. What do you think your wife and kids really mean when they talk about "happiness"?
> 
> Could you talk more about how you were critical with your wife? Did your children witness you saying mean or critical things to her? Did you say them to the kids too? In what ways did you fail your wife by not making her happy and in what ways did you fail the kids? What exactly were you apologizing for?


I want to be clear that all four children still love and support me. Two of them that spend lots of time together are of the opinion that the divorce is an opportunity for their mother to find happiness. It is something to be celebrated.

I have talked at length in another post about how I was critical. I won't go into it much here. It is safe to say that criticizing others is a harmful practice. In our marriage, often my criticism came after seeking change from my wife. She was not one to discuss things that made her feel uncomfortable. She would receive my request and not talk about it if it was something that she did not want to do. When she would repeatedly do the thing that I asked her not to do, I would criticize her for it. For instance, if it was her turn to cook, she often would put the food in the pan and set the burner on low. She would go read a book and come back later to see how things were coming along. Often this resulted in food that was burned on the bottom or completely dried out. The criticism was not simply about the food. It represented a disconnect in her care for me from my perspective. I am sure that she saw it as a disconnect in care for her that I was not simply choosing to love her as she chose to be. The problem is that we could never get to that conversation because she withdrew whenever she felt uncomfortable. She just would shut down and not talk about it. I could not manage the marriage dance of give and take, because she would ignore the situation with the hope that when her emotional flooding passed and nothing more was said, the situation would be resolved. This made my frustration increase, and as one can imagine, the point of dispute returned ratcheted right up to where it was left off with no resolution. The children have seen this and I am sorry for that.

It is important to note that my two children who see the divorce as an opportunity for their mother to find happiness have shared with me that they also become emotionally flooded and stonewall their partner in relationships. They relate to the high anxiety of that emotionally charged fight or flight situation, so I do understand that for them escape seems to be a pathway to happiness. I do wish I could tell them that emotional flooding is a red flag, that they should stop the argument and take an hour or two to calm down and then return to resolve the conflict. I wish that they could see that by the time conflict escalates to criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling, that there is great danger. Something is not going well with their deep friendship and there are feelings that need resolution. My wife and I never resolved those feelings. For that I am profoundly saddened.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OnwardNUpward said:


> I suppose there are all sorts of people even in a forum such as this one. I was not expecting to find trolls in here. Well, you have had your say and in typical troll fashion there is nothing but provocation in your comments. You will hear no more from me..


Not a troll. I've been posting long enough to not being considered a troll, but you come off as with an agenda that although it's supposed to be all about your children and your desire that they see things your way, it is quite obvious that the other part of the agenda is about how you've been done unkindly in the divorce by your wife.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I'm coming at this from personal experience. My parents split when I was in high school; my mother has suffered with anxiety and depression much of her life. The worst of her depression was when I was in high school. It used to both upset and frustrate me. At 17, it was actually me who phoned a divorce lawyer on her behalf and made an appointment, drove her to the city, and went with her. It was so that she could take responsibility and be better informed of certain aspects that she was worried about. Granted her and my father were very considerate to one another in their divorce.

My father moved out when I was a teenager. It wasn't explained to me what was happening. His emotional connection with me had typically been distant and then he was just living somewhere else. I was dealing with my mother's depression (suicidal at one point), and other stuff going on in my own world. I write that brief background to say that for my 21st birthday, my father who is a man of few words, told me how sorry he was that he missed out on my growing up and hadn't been there for me. He was really down as he shared this. I told him not to worry, and I'd turned out okay. I've since said similarly to my mother who apologized a few years ago, about where she was at mentally back then.

When I was in my mid-late 20s, he shared with me what a rough time that was for him; that he'd been depressed, that I didn't come visit him and such, and expressed disappointment in me. Oh.... I was sparked to hear this! I told him quite bluntly the crap I was dealing with back then, reminded him that he was the adult in the situation, and basically put it back on him. He went on to remarry a few years after the divorce and they're really happy together. I'm pleased for him. And despite how it may sound from this post, I have a lot of love and respect for him.

But reading your scenario, and your children being adults, I think you could absolutely reach out to them and tell them the emotional aspect of what you're experiencing. It doesn't have to be about the dynamic between you and their mother, but it can be about sharing what you are feeling. What annoyed me about that conversation with my father when I was in my mid-late 20s, was not only that his expectation on me as a teenager was misguided, but that he never expressed anything to me back then and in the moment. If he'd reached out and invited me over, or for lunch, demonstrated interest in how I was doing - AND shared he was having a hard time emotionally - perhaps the dynamic between us would have been different at that time.

You have an opportunity here to both listen and to share in a healthy way.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Further thought... I had also recognized by my mid-late 20s that for me personally, a mentor or someone else to help guide me, would have been beneficial. I didn't have that, though. So was just doing the best I could with what I knew at the time. I'm a fairly resilient type and recognize how some of those experiences shaped me in a positive way. They were also doing the best they could with what they knew at the time, too.

As an adult though, as I said, you have an opportunity here. Including with expressing what you have learned yourself to guide and support them if they need it; even as adults.


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## OnwardNUpward (Feb 17, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> I'm coming at this from personal experience. My parents split when I was in high school; my mother has suffered with anxiety and depression much of her life. The worst of her depression was when I was in high school. It used to both upset and frustrate me. At 17, it was actually me who phoned a divorce lawyer on her behalf and made an appointment, drove her to the city, and went with her. It was so that she could take responsibility and be better informed of certain aspects that she was worried about. Granted her and my father were very considerate to one another in their divorce.
> 
> My father moved out when I was a teenager. It wasn't explained to me what was happening. His emotional connection with me had typically been distant and then he was just living somewhere else. I was dealing with my mother's depression (suicidal at one point), and other stuff going on in my own world. I write that brief background to say that for my 21st birthday, my father who is a man of few words, told me how sorry he was that he missed out on my growing up and hadn't been there for me. He was really down as he shared this. I told him not to worry, and I'd turned out okay. I've since said similarly to my mother who apologized a few years ago, about where she was at mentally back then.
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing. I think it is wise advise to reach out and listen. We all have our emotional needs. As the parent in the situation, I cannot expect my children to understand what I am going through. I also cannot in good conscience share with them about the inner workings of my relationship with their mother. The divorce has forced me to leave the state in order to find a place to live (help from my brother). I have not been alone for 37 years and now I am on my own, unemployed and far from my children.

I am keeping in touch with them. I am processing the situation. I have shared with my daughter how divorce is not the opportunity to seek happiness, but the destruction of a marriage. It is entirely possible for people to be much happier at some point after a divorce, but the act of divorcing someone is nothing but destruction. She has shared that she thinks that marriage is obsolete. We are clearly not on the same page. In the middle of all this loss, it is challenging to have my child hold no point of solidarity with me. It is difficult to know that my daughter holds a view that is at odds with what I hold sacred. I think it is my emotionally raw state that makes her position difficult for me. She needs space to be who she wants to be. I need to love her where she is at. Hopefully, time will heal me enough to fully embrace that.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

OnwardNUpward said:


> Thank you for sharing. I think it is wise advise to reach out and listen. We all have our emotional needs. As the parent in the situation, I cannot expect my children to understand what I am going through. I also cannot in good conscience share with them about the inner workings of my relationship with their mother. The divorce has forced me to leave the state in order to find a place to live (help from my brother). I have not been alone for 37 years and now I am on my own, unemployed and far from my children.
> 
> I am keeping in touch with them. I am processing the situation. I have shared with my daughter how divorce is not the opportunity to seek happiness, but the destruction of a marriage. It is entirely possible for people to be much happier at some point after a divorce, but the act of divorcing someone is nothing but destruction. She has shared that she thinks that marriage is obsolete. We are clearly not on the same page. In the middle of all this loss, it is challenging to have my child hold no point of solidarity with me. It is difficult to know that my daughter holds a view that is at odds with what I hold sacred. I think it is my emotionally raw state that makes her position difficult for me. She needs space to be who she wants to be. I need to love her where she is at. Hopefully, time will heal me enough to fully embrace that.


I would suggest not to make this a debate about views of marriage.

Instead get to sharing the emotional aspect with her - and listen to how she is, too. It could simply be along the lines of, 'I want you to know that I love you, daughter, and find this situation quite daunting, being far from you and starting anew. This saddens me. I don't need you to do anything, other than know this is how I'm feeling. How are you feeling?' 

Something like that, perhaps. And also, do not have any expectation of her.


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## OnwardNUpward (Feb 17, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> Further thought... I had also recognized by my mid-late 20s that for me personally, a mentor or someone else to help guide me, would have been beneficial. I didn't have that, though. So was just doing the best I could with what I knew at the time. I'm a fairly resilient type and recognize how some of those experiences shaped me in a positive way. They were also doing the best they could with what they knew at the time, too.
> 
> As an adult though, as I said, you have an opportunity here. Including with expressing what you have learned yourself to guide and support them if they need it; even as adults.


Thanks for that additional thought. I have tried to share what I have learned with my daughter. She is not receptive. She has expressed that she has a strong dislike for any wisdom, guidance of direction from me. A few months ago she was injured in a restaurant. There had been a blatant disregard for safety and she was rushed to the hospital. I told her that she absolutely should contact the restaurant and make an insurance claim, that there could be ramifications for her health later in life and possibly PTSD that would require treatment at a later date. My direction was purely as a parent deeply concerned for the wellbeing of his daughter. She told me that she did not want me telling her what to do. I have taken that to heart. I now go out of my way not to be an influencer in her life. This strikes at the heart for this parent. My concern for her is not to be expressed. That's a tough one.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

OnwardNUpward said:


> I think it is my emotionally raw state that makes her position difficult for me. She needs space to be who she wants to be. I need to love her where she is at. Hopefully, time will heal me enough to fully embrace that.


I may be projecting here... but this sounds like assumption. I agree about loving her where she is at. However, I've learned things about my father through his wife. Things he wanted to say to me, things he considered planning for me and such. Strangely, he has quite a presence about him yet when it comes to expressing these things to me, he's of few words and I would be none of the wiser if his wife hadn't shared some things with me - which has occurred when we've all been together - and her way of trying to prompt him to open up with me.


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## OnwardNUpward (Feb 17, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> I would suggest not to make this a debate about views of marriage.
> 
> Instead get to sharing the emotional aspect with her - and listen to how she is, too. It could simply be along the lines of, 'I want you to know that I love you, daughter, and find this situation quite daunting, being far from you and starting anew. This saddens me. I don't need you to do anything, other than know this is how I'm feeling. How are you feeling?'
> 
> Something like that, perhaps. And also, do not have any expectation of her.


Thanks. I can put those feelings out there. That is a good thing. You are right. Get the feelings out and that is where the relationship rubber meets the road.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

OnwardNUpward said:


> She told me that she did not want me telling her what to do. I have taken that to heart. I now go out of my way not to be an influencer in her life. This strikes at the heart for this parent. My concern for her is not to be expressed. That's a tough one.


Okay, so this is telling of what she has experienced with you growing-up.

And again, something my own father said to me when I was in my 30s and asked for his opinion (which doesn't happen often, I typically work things out myself or with Batman), he said that I do my own thing and don't listen to him. This took me aback. I explained to him that while I might not follow his advice, I still listen to weigh things up. Recently I asked for his life advice (now in my 40s), nutted out all the different options of what I was thinking and this time, did roll with his advice. I did give the disclaimer that I wanted his view as part of working it out. With your daughter, she may have decided through observation or past interactions, that she doesn't want your input. You could also ask her in those scenarios 'would you like my input here?' Also if that is the case, flip the script to consider her perspective. It might be a tough one for you. It might also be a tough one for her that she doesn't have / want that dynamic with her father. If you viewed it from where she's at - what she is telling you - your approach and thoughts about these things may be quite different and potentially more impactful for your relationship with her.


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## OnwardNUpward (Feb 17, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> I may be projecting here... but this sounds like assumption. I agree about loving her where she is at. However, I've learned things about my father through his wife. Things he wanted to say to me, things he considered planning for me and such. Strangely, he has quite a presence about him yet when it comes to expressing these things to me, he's of few words and I would be none of the wiser if his wife hadn't shared some things with me - which has occurred when we've all been together - and her way of trying to prompt him to open up with me.


My difficulty is not in being able to share with her. It is probably more that I have shared parental direction with her in the past. That is the role of a parent in the early years. I will express my feelings.

I guess it hurts a lot to know that she does not care all that much that I am experiencing destruction and grief. Her perspective is that both parents were unhappy and her mother's divorce is important as an empowering escape from that unhappiness. Perhaps she is unaware that this view is rather hurtful to me since she is celebrating her mother's escape from me in order to find her happiness.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I hope these thoughts might provide something to consider. I have now overshared my personal story for the time-being.

Wishing you the best as you navigate this. Be glad that you have a brother to go to. You will be okay. Experiment with flipping the script.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I haven't read all the posts, but from your first note -- WHY don't you just TALK to your kids and explain how awful the divorce was, what it did to you financially and YOUR side of the story? You don't have to bash their mother, but I think you should lay a little truth on them to have them realize they are viewing the divorce in a fantasy world.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

OnwardNUpward said:


> My difficulty is not in being able to share with her. It is probably more that I have shared parental direction with her in the past. That is the role of a parent in the early years. I will express my feelings.
> 
> I guess it hurts a lot to know that she does not care all that much that I am experiencing destruction and grief. Her perspective is that both parents were unhappy and her mother's divorce is important as an empowering escape from that unhappiness. Perhaps she is unaware that this view is rather hurtful to me since she is celebrating her mother's escape from me in order to find her happiness.


This sounds like your wife has completely soured your relationship with your daughter. (I could be wrong) I would bet your WIFE was telling her all sorts of stuff of why you are awful and how she deserves better, etc..
Unfortunately, unless YOU start stating YOUR position about this, you don't have much hope with her. Even if you DO share, she may just not care. At that point, what relationship do you even have with her?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Rule #1 ...... Don’t blame kids or manipulate their views.

Rule #2 ...... Don’t become bitter.

Your children are older ....they made their own observations. They view this situation differently than you.
Your best bet is to chin up and carry on. Love them all the same. Never say anything your going to regret one day.


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