# Husband highly protective of..... cake?



## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Back story: my husband is about 60/70 lbs overweight, newly diagnosed diabetic (9 months ago), dropped 40 lbs following diagnosis, gained back about 10. Hits the gym fairly regularly. Doesn't keep up with his diet much. He's been overweight the entire time I've known him, I have never had any issues with it at all. He has major self esteem issues because of his weight but struggles to put and keep the weight off.

The issue:
Today we're out shopping and husband picks up a slice of cake, I didn't care or even realize he had done it until we're in the checkout lane. As our items are being bagged, I noticed the cake and wanted to see it ( cake always piques my interest a tad). as I reach into the bag to grab it, my husband sort of pushes my hand away and says he doesn't want me to see it. Um...ok? I reach in agin just to look at it and he grabs the bag so I can't see it. Which makes me frustrated so I ask... what's the big deal, I only want to see it, I might want to get a slice for myself. All this is happening in the line and the cashier starts to sort of chuckle. Hubby walks away (with the cake) and leaves me to push the cart to the car. 

I get to the car and he's agitated... asking why I made a scene etc. I'm equally agitated and tell him he was the cause of the scene. Silent treatment from me to him and vice versa on the drive home.

We get home and talk about it, kiss and make love but I'm still confused.

He says he didn't want me drawing attention to the fact that he had cake by asking to look at it in front of the cashier. She's going to think he's just a "big guy" that eats too much. But I'm thinking, I doubt the cashier cares about whether or not he eats cake, and wasn't he the cause of the scene by getting so upset about me asking to see it?

Honestly, I'm just confused... who was wrong here?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

aribabe said:


> Honestly, I'm just confused... who was wrong here?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You were. What part of he didn't want you to see it did you not understand?


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

aribabe said:


> who was wrong here?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


both of you.....

sounds like 5 year olds argueing in the sand box,

when he said no the first time, you should have just let it go until you at least got outside or home, you continued to cause the scene by grabbing a second time


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Lol, I just didn't understand what the big deal was?
I may have wanted a slice too

He asks me to see this or that and I just let him... seems like the more normal response to me. I mean, it was a piece of cake. Not a government secret lol



Mavash. said:


> You were. What part of he didn't want you to see it did you not understand?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

But I mightve wanted to get one,

Should I have waited till we got home so I could then see it, decide I want one then drive bac. Seems silly


justanaveragejoe said:


> both of you.....
> 
> sounds like 5 year olds argueing in the sand box,
> 
> when he said no the first time, you should have just let it go until you at least got outside or home, you continued to cause the scene by grabbing a second time


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

He wanted to indulge but has self esteem issues. He was embarrassed and guilty to be buying something unhealthy, it's fairly common for people with weight issues and eating disorders. You should have left it alone until you were at home unloading the groceries.

You weren't wrong because you had no idea his true emotion behind it. But now that you know, if you made a scene in a similar situation then I would say it was wrong of you.


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

aribabe said:


> Lol, I just didn't understand what the big deal was?
> I may have wanted a slice too
> 
> He asks me to see this or that and I just let him... seems like the more normal response to me. I mean, it was a piece of cake. Not a government secret lol
> ...


it doesnt matter what it was, the object in question is not the point.....he told you no ONCE, that should have been the end, then you grabbed a second time


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You kind of pushed the issue there,especially since your H is self-conscious about his weight.Just out of curiosity,as a diabetic does he often eat cake?


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Soifon said:


> He wanted to indulge but has self esteem issues. He was embarrassed and guilty to be buying something unhealthy, it's fairly common for people with weight issues and eating disorders. You should have left it alone until you were at home unloading the groceries.
> 
> You weren't wrong because you had no idea his true emotion behind it. But now that you know, if you made a scene in a similar situation then I would say it was wrong of you.


Yeah. It seems pretty obvious to me. Why is that confusing to you?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Not to sounds so superior because I have my own issues, but I try not to create situations in public where I look like I'm mommying my husband. Asking to see a slice of cake and then persisting when refused comes off like he's the child and you're the parent especially when you throw in the visual dynamic of you being slim and him being heavy. Couldn't you have realized that he was feeling sensitive? You should have let it go when he seemed resistant. In your first sentences you indicate you know he's sensitive about his weight. So going from there you could have pictured what he was feeling in the moment. I can only think that it happened so fast you weren't really thinking about his feelings. Next time try to be more clued in to his feelings...


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Lyris said:


> Yeah. It seems pretty obvious to me. Why is that confusing to you?


I do find it a bit cold hearted that he told you he was embarrassed and you are still thinking it is a joke. He told you exactly what it was and it's a serious self esteem problem and you are finding it funny. A little bit of empathy would go a long way.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

He was embarrassed by your pointing out the fact he had cake and felt defensive. You should have let it go.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

aribabe said:


> *He has major self esteem issues because of his weight *
> 
> 
> *He says he didn't want me drawing attention to the fact that he had cake by asking to look at it in front of the cashier. She's going to think he's just a "big guy" that eats too much.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your answer lies within what's quoted above. Next time I'd suggest leaving his cake alone, and let him eat it in peace. 

For christ's sake - IT'S CAKE!!!!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

aribabe said:


> I may have wanted a slice too
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then you should have gone to get yourself one, and left his alone.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Yeah to someone self-conscious about their weight, pointing out his cake by inquiring was, to him, putting a big ole neon sign over his head that said "FAT DUDE GETTING FATTER EATING CAKE! LOOK AT THE BIG OLE FAT DUDE!!!"


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> We get home and talk about it, kiss and make love


Is this a new full proof tactic? 
Hide cake boys :smthumbup:


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

That's fair enough,

And I told him I would be more conscious of that in the future... there was no malice intended. I just wanted to see it. I would think him just letting me see it would've been the easier route to take. Its not like I was gonna start jumping up and down and screaming that my husband is buying cake.



Soifon said:


> He wanted to indulge but has self esteem issues. He was embarrassed and guilty to be buying something unhealthy, it's fairly common for people with weight issues and eating disorders. You should have left it alone until you were at home unloading the groceries.
> 
> You weren't wrong because you had no idea his true emotion behind it. But now that you know, if you made a scene in a similar situation then I would say it was wrong of you.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

K, not sure how your marriage works, but we are not the cleavers lol
Telling me no in a situation that doesn't make sense to me is going to have him explaining himself.
If he said, I'll show you in the car or just told me what type of cake it was, that would've sufficed



justanaveragejoe said:


> it doesnt matter what it was, the object in question is not the point.....he told you no ONCE, that should have been the end, then you grabbed a second time


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

I really didn't see it as mommying, if anything,I thought he was "daddying" me when he swatted my hand from the bag. And the walking out without me...

It was very quick, and I was honestly just wanting to see it so I could maybe go pick up a slice quickly while the groceries were still be rung up. But I'll definitely try to be more observant to how he's feeling when he reacts "strangely" to a given situation.



Coffee Amore said:


> Not to sounds so superior because I have my own issues, but I try not to create situations in public where I look like I'm mommying my husband. Asking to see a slice of cake and then persisting when refused comes off like he's the child and you're the parent especially when you throw in the visual dynamic of you being slim and him being heavy. Couldn't you have realized that he was feeling sensitive? You should have let it go when he seemed resistant. In your first sentences you indicate you know he's sensitive about his weight. So going from there you could have pictured what he was feeling in the moment. I can only think that it happened so fast you weren't really thinking about his feelings. Next time try to be more clued in to his feelings...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

But I didn't know what kind he had... which is why I wanted to see it.



southern wife said:


> Then you should have gone to get yourself one, and left his alone.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

He eats sweets more than he should considering his health/weight issues honestly. But he has a trainer so I try not to advise him on what to eat. I assume his trainer does all of that. When he breaks his diet I just feel bad because I know he really wants to get the weight off. But its diffcult to lose weight, and the sweets tempt him a lot.



TBT said:


> You kind of pushed the issue there,especially since your H is self-conscious about his weight.Just out of curiosity,as a diabetic does he often eat cake?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I find it kind of odd that in some topic threads, people are all "we have total transparency in our marriage - no computer locks, we both know each other's passwords" etc, etc, - but, if a spouse is being weird and sketchy about a purchase at the grocery store, it's some kind of strange sacred purchase where all kinds of new rules apply. 

But, seriously, all talk about hurt feelings and embarrassment aside - indeed, how often is this diagnosed diabetic eating cake? How often is he hiding foods he shouldn't be eating? Do find wrappers, receipts, etc? Does he figure if no one sees him eat it/no one knows he is buying it, it doesn't "count?"

While I get being sensitive to his feelings, and not wanting to embarrass him in public - continuing to eat high sugar foods when you are a known diabetic is asking for a world of hurt - literally. 

So - while I agree perhaps the public sphere isn't the place to discuss it - it needs to be discussed, with him, and with a medical professional, nutritionist, someone so he understands the seriousness of it.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Agreed... its not like we were at some topic secret grocery store where he needed a pass code and key to make the cake purchase. 

He's a pretty big time food hider, typically won't eat it in front of me but is always honest with me if he "cheated" on his diet. Lately he's been having dunkin donuts each day after work apparently. Not good for him at all 

And I wasn't trying to embarrass him at all. I love him. I wasn't trying to shame him out of eating, heck, I mightve wanted some too lol.




Starstarfish said:


> I find it kind of odd that in some topic threads, people are all "we have total transparency in our marriage - no computer locks, we both know each other's passwords" etc, etc, - but, if a spouse is being weird and sketchy about a purchase at the grocery store, it's some kind of strange sacred purchase where all kinds of new rules apply.
> 
> But, seriously, all talk about hurt feelings and embarrassment aside - indeed, how often is this diagnosed diabetic eating cake? How often is he hiding foods he shouldn't be eating? Do find wrappers, receipts, etc? Does he figure if no one sees him eat it/no one knows he is buying it, it doesn't "count?"
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Yep, it was a big ol' slice of Shame Cake. I bet he didn't eat it while you were around either, right?


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

No he didn't, and when I asked how it was, he just sort of shrugged me off.
I don't know why he'd feel shamed, I've never made any negative comments regarding his weight, its not something I even care about. I'm glad he wants to lose weight for him but his weight has nevver affected my interest or sexual attraction towards him



COGypsy said:


> Yep, it was a big ol' slice of Shame Cake. I bet he didn't eat it while you were around either, right?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The problem is he's a GROWN MAN. I don't know how long you've been married but it's this kind of behavior that drives many men to rebel. You can't stop him from eating cake not today not ever. If he wants it he will find a way.

It doesn't matter WHY he didn't want you to see it the point was he said no and you pushed. It's disrespectful.

Oh how I wish I could go back in my own marriage and NOT do things like to my husband. I was so stupid and I'm just now having to undo all that and it ain't easy.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

aribabe said:


> Back story: my husband is about 60/70 lbs overweight, newly diagnosed diabetic (9 months ago), dropped 40 lbs following diagnosis, gained back about 10. Hits the gym fairly regularly. Doesn't keep up with his diet much. He's been overweight the entire time I've known him, I have never had any issues with it at all. He has major self esteem issues because of his weight but struggles to put and keep the weight off.
> 
> The issue:
> Today we're out shopping and husband picks up a slice of cake, I didn't care or even realize he had done it until we're in the checkout lane. As our items are being bagged, I noticed the cake and wanted to see it ( cake always piques my interest a tad). as I reach into the bag to grab it, my husband sort of pushes my hand away and says he doesn't want me to see it. Um...ok? I reach in agin just to look at it and he grabs the bag so I can't see it. Which makes me frustrated so I ask... what's the big deal, I only want to see it, I might want to get a slice for myself. All this is happening in the line and the cashier starts to sort of chuckle. Hubby walks away (with the cake) and leaves me to push the cart to the car.
> ...


Blood sugar changes can make people behave irrationally, even aggressively, and rudely. It also damages ability to do math and manage time. 

Keeping blood sugar under control is really critical. Everyone talks about the health concerns of diabetes, like blindness or peripheral damage like losing toes/foot care, etc. But what the really big concern should be, imo are the cognitive changes, and the rapid mood changes and mental limitations caused by blood sugar issues.

When your husband gets like that, have him check his glucose level. 

Many people think it's no big deal, they can eat what they want and use medications to deal with the aftereffects of whatever their blood sugar does in response. This is playing with fire. The more your blood sugar swings, the more cognitive damage is done, physical damage to the brain...this in turn leads to poor decision making accompanied by poor management of blood sugar. It becomes a downward spiral. 

Keep track of your h's mood changes, and have him keep track of his blood sugar. You will probably see some kind of correlation, maybe he needs to go to counseling/group for diabetics, so he can understand the sort of brain damage that can be caused by poor management of this condition.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

But I wasn't trying to stop him from eating cake, I didn't care about the cake eating, if anything, I wanted to join him.

If he is going to "rebel" because I asked why he's telling me no in a situation that seems "crazy", then he's just gonna be one rebelious man. And if he thinks that me questioning him is me being disrespectful then we shouldn't be married anyway, I could never deal with a man like that. Not in this lifetime anyway, this is not the 40's lol.

I'm sorry about your marriage though, hopefully you and your husband can figure things out.



Mavash. said:


> The problem is he's a GROWN MAN. I don't know how long you've been married but it's this kind of behavior that drives many men to rebel. You can't stop him from eating cake not today not ever. If he wants it he will find a way.
> 
> It doesn't matter WHY he didn't want you to see it the point was he said no and you pushed. It's disrespectful.
> 
> Oh how I wish I could go back in my own marriage and NOT do things like to my husband. I was so stupid and I'm just now having to undo all that and it ain't easy.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

His resting blood sugars have been ok (that's when you test in the morning before eating right?) In the 80's and 90's. That's the only time he tests.

Do you think he could be "swinging" throughout the day and just not know it?

His medication, kombligyze, works really well. He's on the lowest possible dosage. But when he ran out for a few day, his sugars were in the mid/high 100's. I know that's not good for him. He's also on lisnopril (blod pressure med) I wonder if that affecs him too.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Blood sugar changes can make people behave irrationally, even aggressively, and rudely. It also damages ability to do math and manage time.
> 
> Keeping blood sugar under control is really critical. Everyone talks about the health concerns of diabetes, like blindness or peripheral damage like losing toes/foot care, etc. But what the really big concern should be, imo are the cognitive changes, and the rapid mood changes and mental limitations caused by blood sugar issues.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

aribabe said:


> Agreed... its not like we were at some topic secret grocery store where he needed a pass code and key to make the cake purchase.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't see what he did as a weird and sketchy purchase as a previous poster suggested. Not like he was slipping condoms into the items you two were buying and he doesn't use condoms with you! Now that would be sketchy and weird.

I'm guessing he wouldn't have minded as much if you two were in an isolated aisle at the store and you asked to see the slice of cake. Having the cashier, whomever else in the line ahead/behind you and around the checkoutstand, probably made him feel vulnerable. His reaction was due in big part to the public aspect of it and bystanders drawing their own conclusions. We can say "who cares what they thought!" but people care about what strangers think.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

aribabe said:


> His resting blood sugars have been ok (that's when you test in the morning before eating right?) In the 80's and 90's. That's the only time he tests.
> 
> Do you think he could be "swinging" throughout the day and just not know it?
> 
> ...


If he's eating stuff like cake and donuts, of course his blood sugar is going to be swinging wildly. Unless he is on an in-line insulin delivery device every time he eats something like that his blood sugar is going to go for a really nice roller coaster ride. 

I know sometimes when I need to eat, that is my brain has run out of glucose to keep it running, I have trouble thinking, and I nearly slump over from fatigue. A piece of cheese can perk me right up, fats and calories and protein. I've had a brain injury and I don't have much fat on my body to fall back on so it's really obvious when I need some more calories. I do a lot of cerebral work, analytical stuff, both on the computer and with reading and writing and free-range thinking (writing articles, interviewing artists...) This is different of course than your h's condition which is diabetes. But it serves to highlight that the brain is HIGHLY REACTIVE to glucose changes. 

This is why a person who is losing consciousness from low blood sugar can be perked right up with a glass of orange juice. By the way, if your husband ever passes out from low blood sugar and is still SOMEWHAT conscious, you can use a tube of cake icing to revive him. It carries better in your purse or glove compartment than orange juice (which is perishable.) You should also have an injectable medicine which can be used if he ends up with a seizure/total loss of consciousness. And always when testing blood sugar on someone having a problem, wash or wipe the skin off first, many people even paramedics have mistaken a person with very low blood sugar as having very high blood sugar because of icing or frosting residue on the fingers (which is a typical place to test). 

I had way too much experience with diabetes and also the cognitive effects of it. I befriended a diabetic who had moved back home he said temporarily while he was looking for a new job. He never moved on, well, except that he died, because of the downward spiral/brain damage cycle I described.

For your husband there is good news. He can stop this ridiculous habit of eating sugar thinking that Rx will cover for him. It doesn't. having your blood sugar capable of being brought under control doesn't make everything okay. It means that he doesn't necessarily have to die so quickly, as he would if this medicine didn't exist. But if he keeps eating like he is, this sugar-laden cr*p, no medicine is going to save him. Next he will be justifying his habits as okay because he can get dialysis, and a kidney transplant, or even a pancreas transplant to replace the one he wore out. But he cannot get a brain transplant, ever. He absolutely has to take care of the one he has, or it will be toast.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

I get it OP. it's like when someone tells you they have a secret they can't tell you. It makes you that much more intent on finding out what it is. I don't think people should blow this out of proportion asking how often he eats it or what else he does. That's his and OP's business and not her reason for posting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Well yeah, but it wasn't just that. I was honestly curious because I mightve wanted to get some. I wasn't just being nosey for the sake of it.



Soifon said:


> I get it OP. it's like when someone tells you they have a secret they can't tell you. It makes you that much more intent on finding out what it is. I don't think people should blow this out of proportion asking how often he eats it or what else he does. That's his and OP's business and not her reason for posting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

I think what it boils down to is that he is insecure about his weight and food which you have already acknowledged. Sometimes we react and project things onto people that have nothing really do to with the person we are reacting to. Now that you know this is a touchy issue, don't take it personally, and don't push.

You say that he hides food, so it makes me wonder if you've had other interactions with him that makes him feel uncomfortable about food, even if you didnt realize it.


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

aribabe said:


> K, not sure how your marriage works, but we are not the cleavers lol
> Telling me no in a situation that doesn't make sense to me is going to have him explaining himself.
> If he said, I'll show you in the car or just told me what type of cake it was, that would've sufficed
> 
> ...


you were acting like his mother, not his companion, like you were telling your child he couldnt have a candy bar, you were embarrassing him.....and yourself

pushing your arm away is basically saying "you can see later", he shouldnt have to spell it out for you


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Well I would've asked earlier/sooner if i'd seen him grab it. But I didn't

And when I reached in to see the cake, I didn't make a scene or ask if it was his cake. No one would have even known the cake belonged to him if he didn't get all huffy.

But I suppose I do understand, I have certain insecrities that I wouldn't want pointed out in public. I just dont /didn't really understand how reaching for the cake was pointing out his securities.



Coffee Amore said:


> I don't see what he did as a weird and sketchy purchase as a previous poster suggested. Not like he was slipping condoms into the items you two were buying and he doesn't use condoms with you! Now that would be sketchy and weird.
> 
> I'm guessing he wouldn't have minded as much if you two were in an isolated aisle at the store and you asked to see the slice of cake. Having the cashier, whomever else in the line ahead/behind you and around the checkoutstand, probably made him feel vulnerable. His reaction was due in big part to the public aspect of it and bystanders drawing their own conclusions. We can say "who cares what they thought!" but people care about what strangers think.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I had a diabetic coworker die due to eating sweets. Being diabetic I'd be so worried over his health.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

If it was a woman we were talking about many of the responses would have been totally different.

She would have been judged irrational for not showing the cake. Probably asked if it was that time of the month for her. The OP would have been told that they have a right to monitor what she eats and that she needs some tough love, because over weight women just aren't attractive. And probably advised that if she kept eating cake to go ahead divorce her, because overweight women just don't cut it as wife material.


Lucky it's a man we are talking about 

I think he did overreact. However obviously he's very sensitive about it, so in future I'd just be very careful about what you say and do. It is good that you don't shame him about food, but obviously that's coming from within. Has he though about counselling?


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Lol, reaching to see a cake is synonymous with saying he can't have it?
Gotcha 



justanaveragejoe said:


> you were acting like his mother, not his companion, like you were telling your child he couldnt have a candy bar, you were embarrassing him.....and yourself
> 
> pushing your arm away is basically saying "you can see later", he shouldnt have to spell it out for you


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I've seen/heard/experienced/witnessed so many couple issues and parenting in grocery stores that there should be some kind of gift card that people can buy for sessions of phone therapy. Just scratch the code off on the back, call the 800 number, and when your minutes are up, hopefully you'll have resolved the situation, before you even leave the parking lot.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

TrustInUs said:


> I think what it boils down to is that he is insecure about his weight and food which you have already acknowledged. Sometimes we react and project things onto people that have nothing really do to with the person we are reacting to. Now that you know this is a touchy issue, don't take it personally, and don't push.
> 
> You say that he hides food, so it makes me wonder if you've had other interactions with him that makes him feel uncomfortable about food, even if you didnt realize it.


I don't know, I suppose its possible. I typically try not to acknowledge when he eats badly but maybe he feels like I'm judging him because I'm so much thinner?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Homemaker, thanks so much for all this info. I genuinely appreciate it

I definitely want him to stop eating like that too, especialy since he keeps talking about how he wants to stop taking the kombiglyze. I'm thinking, how can he do that if he's barely willing to change his diet. I don't want him to be sick because of the sweets.

I don't realy know how to enocourage him without seeming like I'm judging him. I really am no judging him, I don't care about his weight at all except for that fact that it affecting his health.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> If he's eating stuff like cake and donuts, of course his blood sugar is going to be swinging wildly. Unless he is on an in-line insulin delivery device every time he eats something like that his blood sugar is going to go for a really nice roller coaster ride.
> 
> I know sometimes when I need to eat, that is my brain has run out of glucose to keep it running, I have trouble thinking, and I nearly slump over from fatigue. A piece of cheese can perk me right up, fats and calories and protein. I've had a brain injury and I don't have much fat on my body to fall back on so it's really obvious when I need some more calories. I do a lot of cerebral work, analytical stuff, both on the computer and with reading and writing and free-range thinking (writing articles, interviewing artists...) This is different of course than your h's condition which is diabetes. But it serves to highlight that the brain is HIGHLY REACTIVE to glucose changes.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Yeah, I imagine the responses wuld have been different as well if my husband was my wife, littledeer. I do think he was being irrational,that wasn't the typical normal response a person would have I don't think. But I can also get that it may hae triggered some insecurity in him. What I don't understand is why he would make it a bigger scene by swatting my hand and walking out. I doubt the cashier was paying attention to me reaching in to see the cake but I'm sure she was watching him go a little off kilter for those few seconds.

He has talked about wanting to get into counseling, but for the reason or that, he's never done it.


*LittleDeer* said:


> If it was a woman we were talking about many of the responses would have been totally different.
> 
> She would have been judged irrational for not showing the cake. Probably asked if it was that time of the month for her. The OP would have been told that they have a right to monitor what she eats and that she needs some tough love, because over weight women just aren't attractive. And probably advised that if she kept eating cake to go ahead divorce her, because overweight women just don't cut it as wife material.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

i'd be bent out of shape, too, because it was such a normal thing that you asked, and he overreacted so much. He was embarrassed by the cashier? he's got to be kidding. the issue isn't the cake, it's that you asked a perfectly normal question and got such a dysfunctional response. if this is anomalous, i would let it pass, but if he regularly overreacts then blames you for reacting to his overreaction, then he needs help. you don't need to walk on eggshells because you don't know what he's going to flip out about.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

*I do think he some type of an eating disorder... not sure though, it's certainly not bulimia or anorexia

but he eats "badly" the gets down on himself and feels depressed, yet he does it over and over. That seems like a disorder to me. *



FrenchFry said:


> First, I'm not saying your husband has an eating disorder. I can't tell you that.
> 
> But as a person who has struggled in the past with one, people with disordered eating can be really really weird and/or about their grocery shopping/food and "not looking weird in front of the cashier" is actually fairly common, it's one of the reasons why binge eaters sometimes turn to kleptomania to indulge with a little less guilt. I used to pretend I was throwing a party to justify my binge shopping...turns out cashiers really don't care.
> 
> ...


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

aribabe said:


> I don't know, I suppose its possible. I typically try not to acknowledge when he eats badly but maybe he feels like I'm judging him because I'm so much thinner?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's possible. I know for me I always felt judged in different areas. Some were vaild feelings and some were my insecurities I had at the time which lead me to react badly sometimes. What can be small to one person can be huge to another.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

The response was dysfunctional, i think he wasn't really processing the strangeness of the situation, or the weirdness of his reaction... just sort of felt like a deer in headlights, embarrassed. I think that's the main reason he walked out.

I can't say this is totally abnormal, that particular instance at the grocery store was definitely a first but I've seen him be very "protective" about his food in the past.

If we're out at dinner and he wants to try my food i say sure, but if i ask to try his he gets very defensive. Will move his plate or silverware or get pouty. This is especially true of dessert's.

Recent instance that comes to mind: We're at a Caribbean food place that just opened up, I'm very leery of new foods so i asked my husband to try a bit of his so i could decide whether or not i wanted some of my own. He gets very edgy, asking why i have to taste it, closing the box of food so i can't see it... the person who was checking us out actually ended up offering me some for free after seeing how my husband was acting.

I don't know what kind of thinking is happening when he becomes so over protective of his food.

He grew up in a very well to do family so it's not as if he's ever had to struggle for food or thinking about where his next meal would come from


IslandGirl3 said:


> i'd be bent out of shape, too, because it was such a normal thing that you asked, and he overreacted so much. He was embarrassed by the cashier? he's got to be kidding. the issue isn't the cake, it's that you asked a perfectly normal question and got such a dysfunctional response. if this is anomalous, i would let it pass, but if he regularly overreacts then blames you for reacting to his overreaction, then he needs help. you don't need to walk on eggshells because you don't know what he's going to flip out about.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You know, I think he could use a visit to the doctor to get his cognitive functioning checked. Combined with the diabetes, this kind of eating and thinking just seems, well, off. It sounds like it's sort of new behavior. Do you have those long printouts that come with the meds, with all of the side effects? Also have you checked a web site for possible drug interactions... and is he taking anything over the counter in addition to these meds? You don't have to answer me, I just think he could use a checkup by an endocrinologist who also has specific training in behavior patterns, maybe some training in psychiatry...


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I'm going to go the other way than some and say he needs a 2x4 if he's diabetic and routinely eating cake and breaking his diet. Is he in denial? Does he understand the longer-term effects of what he's doing? I think he's being really irresponsible actually and you're being really nice about it OP.

I say this because I used to live with a diabetic-in-denial. He was surprised when very bad things started happening to his body. It was like a freight train coming at him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

PubMed Central, FIG. 1.: Diabetes. 2010 January; 59(1): 4

Link to a graphic from a medical publication from a database web-hosted by the American Diabetes Association, that shows cognitive changes in diabetics, along with comorbid diseases such as vascular and heart problems.

Reduction of impulse control can be a biggie.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

It's not that new actually, it is fairly common whenever i ask to try his food, i just don't really ask all that often so i never really pay attention to the fact that it's sort of been a pattern. And it usually just blows over with me getting my own food.

His drugs have no known reaction one another, and those are the only meds he's taking, no otc. He takes vitamins sometimes but that's it.


I think it is mostly mental but not sure where the behavior comes from. It seems almost like a natural instinct, he doesn't think about, just naturally becomes defensive regarding his food.

Maybe he thinks i"ll say something bad about it if i taste it? Or maybe he's just hungry and doesn't want to lose food to me? I honestly don't know




Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> You know, I think he could use a visit to the doctor to get his cognitive functioning checked. Combined with the diabetes, this kind of eating and thinking just seems, well, off. It sounds like it's sort of new behavior. Do you have those long printouts that come with the meds, with all of the side effects? Also have you checked a web site for possible drug interactions... and is he taking anything over the counter in addition to these meds? You don't have to answer me, I just think he could use a checkup by an endocrinologist who also has specific training in behavior patterns, maybe some training in psychiatry...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It just doesn't sound right. The smacking of the hand, the walking away, the argument... And all this sugar he's eating. And the fats. Something just doesn't sound right about it. 

I think it's more than just a couple's issue.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

It may be. He has a drs appt tommorow where he's supposed to have his A1c checked. I don't think it would be a bad a idea to talk to the dr about my husband's food protection. But i don't know if my husband would let me.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It just doesn't sound right. The smacking of the hand, the walking away, the argument... And all this sugar he's eating. And the fats. Something just doesn't sound right about it.
> 
> I think it's more than just a couple's issue.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

What kind of cake was it? This thread is making me hungry.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

It was a strawberry cake with cream cheese icing:smthumbup:



WorkingOnMe said:


> What kind of cake was it? This thread is making me hungry.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

It is definitely some type of disordered eating... but it's only when he has to share with me. I have never seen him react so defensively with others. Maybe he feels that because i am so close to him i will negatively judge him for eating, because he negatively judges himself for it?

I was also reading something about "food guarding", it's really a dog thing but apparently it's a natural instinct that animals have to protect their food when they feel it might be taken from them.

Maybe he is suffering from some sort of human food guarding with me. Maybe he feels i am a threat to his food supply?



FrenchFry said:


> Again, I'm not in a position to say that your husband has an eating disorder, I'm just a person who has been through recovery and during the recovery process I've learned a lot about disordered eating patterns.
> 
> Flags to me that there is something else underlying his eating:
> 
> ...


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

That really makes a lot of sense FrenchFry

I see my husband in what you're saying. He seems to food guard most harshly when he feels he's being watched by people. I know that he feels most insecure when he feels he's being watched, that the'yre judging him for his weight/looks. It does seem to be about control, that it's HIS food and he's not going to let me take HIS food from him. 

Almost like a coping mechanism. If I want his food I am taking what belongs to him from his control. 

Even understanding that though...

Why does he not even want me to look at the food, even when I'm not trying to eat it or take it from him. Like with the cake?

About the donuts.. he's been having 2/3 strawberry donuts and a donut star with "christmas" frosting.

I don't want to say his weight really fluctuates. He dropped 40lbs after diagnosed, but before that he has always been a steady weight, though it was overweight. But he wasn't regularly dropping and gaining. 




FrenchFry said:


> Eating disorder sufferers try to hide the extent of their disorder the most to those closest to them but it also effects those closest to them most strongly.
> 
> I have a tendency to food guard depending on the level of stress I'm feeling and while it is a mechanism to "protect" my food, it's also because the loss of my food makes me feel out of control since I put all of my "lack of control" feelings onto food. So, when I'm hiding food from my husband, it's simultaneously "I'm taking control back over my food" and "it's MY food which only I get to have control over. Don't take away my control."
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

So went to the dr with my husband today, he got some blood drawn to have his a1c, cholesterol and testoerone levels checked (husband was complaining about tiredness and weakness).

I mentioned talking to his dr about the cake incident but I was promptly given the look of death. So that was a no go on that. But we were able to talk about it a little more. He says he just doesn't know why he gets like that with me sometimes.

I do think its some sort of a pathology. Food guarding definitely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

aribabe said:


> So went to the dr with my husband today, he got some blood drawn to have his a1c, cholesterol and testoerone levels checked (husband was complaining about tiredness and weakness).
> 
> I mentioned talking to his dr about the cake incident but I was promptly given the look of death. So that was a no go on that. But we were able to talk about it a little more. He says he just doesn't know why he gets like that with me sometimes.
> 
> ...


Ari, when I go to appointments with my husband, I bring up subjects, even if it means the "look of death". This is his health we are talking about, not just some arbitrary "I need to be right, and i told you so"... Diabetes is nothing to play around with. My mom is in the hospital right now. It started out with "just pneumonia", but the other problems she had, nearly from the beginning of the hospital stay, are related to her diabetes. My mom, at one point, was on the oral diabetes medications. She ended up going to insulin. She has been a diabetic for almost 30 years. She has neuropathy as well as other related issues. She had to go through dialysis because her kidneys shut down. They are starting to work again, but the doctors are in agreement that the renal failure WAS due to her diabetes. We let her eat whatever she wanted for years. We almost lost her, it got that bad. PLEASE, when you go to the appointments with him, MENTION these things. Which would you rather have: a husband who gets pissed off at you for looking out for his health, wanting him around for a long time.... or a man who dies before you have a real life together? He'll get over it, if you bring these things up to the doctor. I wasn't mentioning things to my husband's doctors for awhile. Now, I do. If something is off, the doctor NEEDS to know. He NEEDS to know what he is up against! And if that means pissing off your husband, he can deal with it. My husband got pissed off... and then he got over it and THANKED me... because things actually started to IMPROVE when the doc knew wtf was going on. Nothing will improve if that first step isn't made.

Listen, you and I have had our differences on other subjects. But I can see you love your husband very much. PLEASE, don't let his "death looks" prevent you from looking out for him. Whether he follows the admonitions or not are totally on him... but the doctor needs to know, regardless.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I agree with Maricha75 here. Look, it's your husband's body but you are the one who is going to have to inject him with the emergency rescue kit when he's in diabetic coma/seizures. And visit him in the hospital, deal with the reduced income when he can't keep up with work, go without sex (!!!!) when that's affected as well (and it will be affected, a lot of diabetics lose their ability of rigidity and have to inject their penises with something to have an erection...) 

YOU can go to the social worker at the hospital and seek assistance for what you will have to go through, and some of the ways you can prevent your life from being affected in this way, even though you don't have that much control over your husband's habits.

Go here: it's the Joslin Diabetes Center support forum. You will learn a lot, you can ask all kinds of questions there, you can learn more about the cognitive and physical changes of diabetes. You may also encounter individuals who manager their condition incredibly well, along with people who have psychological/psychiatric co-morbidities. 

It's a great place, when I had the friend who eventually died from his disease (and him using insulin as a control mechanism for narcissistic attantion) I learned a lot!

Home - Joslin Diabetes Center

Oh, and I got the look of death too (even though he was blind) when he was interviewed by the social worker for a pancreas transplant. I work in health care quality and so later after covering for him at that appointment I turned him in, so to speak, and told the truth about his insulin habits, and his poor eating habits, and also his lack of care for his seeing eye dog...he was not really a good candidate for a pancreas transplant, his issues could have been resolved with a diabetes management program. His brother had already given him a kidney. Anyway, he got psychiatrically committed, I got a thank you email, but then he seduced his psychologist and eventually died. Oh well. The point is, you can overcome the look of death. Your H has psychological issues as well as diabetes.


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