# A choice not to have kids.



## IGSIMB (Dec 17, 2013)

Ladies who have made a choice to be child-free:

What were the main reasons? How did you feel about it through your life, any regrets? Is life pretty much fabulous/clean and peaceful or is it boring and lonely at times? 

How is your relationships with your partners, does it feel like there is no goal or point to be together sometimes? It seems so many couples stay together for kids sake. 

Anyone child-free by choice?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I am pretty much child free by chioce. With my first husband, we were never able to resolve issues in time....... 

I felt that he was too much concerned about the needs of third parties than he was of his own wife.... We had problems with his being friends with other women; putting the needs of his friends first; and sometimes the needs of other people who in most people's minds just would not even rate in their lives........ that's when I realised that I was married to a passive aggressive who was constantly trying to find some point to create conflict on.......

so we got a divorce when I was 41. I dated until I was 50 yo and am now with my fiance who is 10 years younger than I. Menopause was forced on me by the cancer treatments that I was given and I am told due to my hormonal cancer, I can't take anything that encourages hormones in anyway......

He has no children. I have no children but we have nieces and nephews on both sides. See how difficult it is to raise children and how crowded the world is, I am not sure that I have missed anything.

A friend of mine who has children was venting with me at how her 8 yo daughter was talking to her in ways that her parents would have not tolerated... and may have slapped her in the face for....... I told her when I was contemplating children, I had those concerns as well......


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I'm CFBC.

Guy here but our (very much a joint decision made over several years) main reason was timing. A bit of an exaggeration but we (ok she, I'm younger) didn't want to go to HS graduation at age 60. After 4 or 5 years of marriage it came down to now or never and we were having too much fun the way it was and wanted to keep that up.

I think about how life would be different every now and then but zero regrets. 

We're pretty happy, certainly not bored. The relationship is strong, we stay together for us because we like being together/with each other.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I have one child.I love him but I wasn't praying and planning for him.He lives with his dad and I see him often.
DH and I do not have children together and we never will. We're both very satisfied with that and love our life as is.It is definitely peaceful and nice coming home to an organized,quiet home every day. 
I'd rather keep our reasons to myself bc I don't want to offend the other parents on the board.

At first DH didn't know I didn't want another child and didn't know I couldn't have another one even if I wanted to.It was one of the first conversations we had while dating.He expressed his desire to remain child free and hoped that wasn't a deal breaker for me.The look of relief that washed over him when he found out my end of the child issue was priceless

Our life is full.We have many interests,hobbies,and enough money to do what we want in addition to saving for whatever the future brings.

I still provide for my child whatever he needs. I am available to him 24/7 if he's struggling and needs to talk about it.I'm not a normal mother though.
He knows he can tell me anything and ask me anything.He knows I'll always give him a straight answer and help him in any way I can.I just don't have those "my child is everything to me" feelings. I never did and never will.He knows he's loved and that's the best I can give.

Being child free isn't for everyone.Neither choice is good or bad.It's about what feels right to you and to the person you married.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Thus far, I've been child-free by choice. 

I was always very big into contraception and that made me realize that well, I really didn't ever want to get pregnant. I never was one of those people who felt like I HAD to have a baby or that it was my life's dream. Only one time did I *want* to and I did get pregnant and miscarried (when married). I do believe everything happens for a reason.

My life is very busy, super. I often wonder where I would find the time for a child if I had one. It is a big decision, changes your entire life. When I think about what it means, how much time has to be put into it, it seems exhausting to me. I could very well change my mind about this and decide to have children one day, but right now it does not fit into my life/schedule. I am very happy with my child-free life. Long ago, one of my girlfriends told me that she was dying to get pregnant. That if she didn't get pregnant by the end of the year, she was going to lose it. I have never had this feeling before. 

Marriage isn't a precursor for me to have kids because I never want to marry again, so it's not that. I often think about doing it alone, as a single woman. But again, now is not the time. 

The ironic thing is that I really do love children. They are funny to me and I feel I connect them in a way because children are always drawn to me and will randomly start talking to me like I am their old friend. 

What I do think is bad is when someone has a child and doesn't want it/ or isn't into parenting/etc. I can't imagine anything worse. When I see people who are mean to their children and/or are unkind, it breaks my heart. I realize every situation is different but self-awareness goes a long way.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I've been child-free by choice my whole life. Why? I'm just not interested. Pregnancy and babies just skeeve me out. Kids are okay once they get to be 7 or 8. But I've never had any deep desire to have a child, to do all the "kid" stuff like birthday parties and jumpy-castles and restaurants with crayons on the table. To me asking why I don't have kids is like asking why I don't have a 4x4 super-cab pickup truck. Nothing wrong with them, I just don't want one. I'll keep my hatchback that's big enough to hold my golf clubs and small enough to park anywhere I go 

I love my life. I'm never bored or lonely. Heck, some weeks I would love to have time to BE bored and lonely! I have a couple of friends that have kids, but for the most part I hang around with friends that feel the same way I do and have chosen to remain child free. 

The issue of children hasn't ever affected my relationships. I don't date men that have kids at home and I don't date men that want kids. It's a ground-level deal breaker for me. And to me, that means that we have every reason to be together--we like each other and WANT to be together. I can think of very little that would be more soul-killing that to have some bit of common biology be the main reason I was with someone. 

Honestly, I believe that people either have a kid-shaped hole in their heart or they don't. I have friends that have spent tens of thousands of dollars and undergone numerous medical procedures to have their children because they wanted them so very deeply. To them, it was worth any price to be able to have a little person call them mommy. I don't have that kind of biological impetus and have never been able to generate even a spark of desire or interest in having a child. Heck, my mom loves to tell stories about how my sister would try to get me to play "house" with her when we were little. Almost without fail, I sent my "babies" to boarding school and then we played something fun like "court" or "chef". 

It's hard to miss or regret not having something you've never really wanted, I suppose.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What an excellent post, Cog. It was funny, too.



COGypsy said:


> I've been child-free by choice my whole life. Why? I'm just not interested. Pregnancy and babies just skeeve me out. Kids are okay once they get to be 7 or 8. B*ut I've never had any deep desire to have a child, to do all the "kid" stuff like birthday parties and jumpy-castles and restaurants with crayons on the table. *To me asking why I don't have kids is like asking why I don't have a 4x4 super-cab pickup truck. Nothing wrong with them, I just don't want one.


:rofl: 



COGypsy said:


> I love my life. I'm never bored or lonely. Heck, some weeks I would love to have time to BE bored and lonely!


I can so relate to this. I am never bored. Ever. I wish I had MORE time in my life to relax.



COGypsy said:


> Honestly, I believe that people either have a kid-shaped hole in their heart or they don't.


:iagree:



COGypsy said:


> It's hard to miss or regret not having something you've never really wanted, I suppose.


I also agree.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Although I have a child, I know several childless couples and they are never bored - heck they have more time to do fun stuff! They have more time to focus on each other as well.

I was never the type to see babies and want to hold them or make faces at toddlers, etc. I never baby talked or cooed. I love my daughter and I'd be fine if I met someone with kids but I would have been equally fine if I'd never had any. 

Too many people have babies who shouldn't. I'm starting to doubt Darwin's theory.


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## IGSIMB (Dec 17, 2013)

Thank you for your posts, I feel I relate to you and it makes sense, I think I don't want kids. 
We don't celebrate holidays, not really, I always thought when we have kids we will make that turkey and have Christmas tree but when I think about it, I don't want all that.. I love to travel, maybe just go on a trip during holidays. 
Around Christmas I saw all those parents running around stores and buying useless plastic crap for their kids that were throwing tantrums. I see exhausted parents in restaurants and stores, I don't want that, it scares me. 

My H is mid 30's I am 10 yr younger and wanted kids a little while ago (I blame my biological clock) but suddenly stopped feeling that way. I stocked on birth control and that is that.

Thanks again, I know where I am now.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life


We are by choice too. I've never really felt those baby urges like many do and while thoughts of family are considered from time to time, it just doesn't hold much space in my mind. My husband has known this since we met. I wondered if I'd change but now in my mid-late 30s, I haven't. He is content with this for himself too. We occasionally check in with one another about it though. I couldn't say how our life is different as this is the only life I know. In the words of Jim Morrison, "This is the strangest life I've ever known.." 

Even though I was young at the time, before meeting hubs, I very briefly dated a lovely guy. He wanted us to move in together. He did mention his aspirations to have a family and be married. I knew then that wasn't the path for me. I wanted to travel and try different things. That's not to say these things can't happen with children, but there's greater consideration. Basically, I didn't change. The impulsiveness may have just balanced over the years thanks to my husband's rational approach. He tamed me!

I never really saw that for myself. Never really felt it. 

I do love children though and when around friend's children, I love and consider them - to the point that I'm asked, "Are you sure you don't want children?" But I recognise I'm simply in the magic of that moment with them. Hubs and I are more inclined to think about running a business together.

It's a selfish kind of life - and that's not meant as a negative.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> _Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life_


Haha I love that song. It's very appropriate. And thanks for taking me down memory lane. I had to listen to it on Youtube.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

l have a lot of respect for women who decide not to have children. Dont get me wrong I love my 2 boys (men) with all my heart, but its a life time commitment. The worrying never stops. Sometimes I cant sleep worrying about them.
I think its better if women who are not all in on having kids should hold off until they are sure. And if they decide not to so be it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Thound, I really appreciate that, as a woman with no kids. Because you'd be surprised how much shade is thrown at childless women sometimes by some women with children. There are some women who condescend to the childless and act as if something is wrong with them; or make them out to be "less than" a woman/"not really a woman" for not having children! Society baby-shames us! LOL. 

And I so agree: I really think that there is nothing worse than someone who absolutely does not want children who has them and keeps having them!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Society shames anyone who isn't similar to the bigger group. I get shamed and judged constantly for not wanting a child w/my husband and for allowing my child to live w/his dad. 
The shaming happens when people think they know what's best for the world and when they think their way is the only right way.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

@ JB & SB
Sometimes people are stupid ignore them. If you and your partner are happy thats all that matters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

exactly I wish I had learned that lesson when I was a kid instead of not getting it til I turned 30


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Thound, I really appreciate that, as a woman with no kids. Because you'd be surprised how much shade is thrown at childless women sometimes by some women with children. There are some women who condescend to the childless and act as if something is wrong with them; or make them out to be "less than" a woman/"not really a woman" for not having children! Society baby-shames us! LOL.
> 
> And I so agree: I really think that there is nothing worse than someone who absolutely does not want children who has them and keeps having them!


This is absolutely true. As a woman in my baby-making prime, I am constantly being baby-shamed, mostly by family members or people at work, occasionally strangers. It happens less than it used to, especially now since I've split from my ex-husband.

I'm child-free by choice. When I was younger, I assumed that I would have children, because that's what people just DID. I never realized that I had a choice NOT to have children, it just never occurred to me. I never knew anyone in my younger life who was child-free intentionally; all the coupled/married adults in my life were either parents, or planning on being parents (either biological, or via adoption). 

When I met my now ex-husband, he adamantly did NOT want children, and that was the first time that I was really exposed to the idea that this was an actual choice. Initially, I made the decision to be child-free because of him; if he was going to be in my life, the unspoken condition was that it would be a child-free life. But because I took the option of children off the table, it made it easier for me to look at the choice objectively.

Even though I'm no longer with my ex-husband, I know that going child-free was the right choice for me, especially now that my younger sister has children. She's always loved kids and has wanted kids, and I was never that way, even as a kid. She always wanted to play house and had baby dolls, and that never interested me. My Barbie dolls always had careers; they were never mothers. 

And as I've grown older, I've realized that so much of what I want out of my life and so much of what I want to do isn't compatible with having children. For me, I see so many that I would have to make if I had children, and I don't see those trade-offs as worth it when I'm not really interested in having children in the first place. 

I've never had a ticking clock; I've never had that "oh, look, a baby! I just want to pick him up and smell his head!" reaction. (Except maybe for my sister's kids. I adore holding them, cuddling them, and playing with them. But I still don't want any of my own.) I've never had that tug at my uterus. A lot of women can't understand that; they assume it's a universal experience, and that's where a lot of the baby-shaming comes from. Or they assume that my choice NOT to have children is somehow an implicit condemnation of their decision to have children, which couldn't be further from the truth.

I KNOW how hard being a mother is, whether you're a stay-at-home mom, a working mother, or something in between. I know how hard it is, and I respect women who have made that choice. Knowing how much work it is, that's something that's factored into my decision. It's just not for me; it's not what I want out of my life. The amount of work and effort that might go towards child-rearing, I would rather channel that into my creative pursuits and advancing my career.

I'm not going to go into all my reasons right now, but they would be familiar to many of the women on this thread. And I'm happy to elaborate if anyone would like.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I am childless not by choice. I have always wanted to have a child. I am 36 year old, recently divorced, and unable to conceived.
all the kind words make me feel so much better; i have battled with the idea that because I do not have children, i am worthless as a woman. I know this is not true.

I am also moving on towards the fact that I will never have children, and I am okay with that idea.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ne, you can still have children if you want them. 



FeministInPink said:


> I've never had a ticking clock; I've never had that "oh, look, a baby! I just want to pick him up and smell his head!" reaction.


:rofl: They do smell good, don't they? Bite-size humans! 



FeministInPink said:


> A lot of women can't understand that; t*hey assume it's a universal experience*, and that's where a lot of the baby-shaming comes from. *Or they assume that my choice NOT to have children is somehow an implicit condemnation of their decision to have children*, which couldn't be further from the truth.


:iagree:


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

ne9907 said:


> I am childless not by choice. I have always wanted to have a child. I am 36 year old, recently divorced, and unable to conceived.
> Your threats and all the kind words make me feel so much better; i have battled with the idea that because I do not have children, i am worthless as a woman. I know this is not true.
> 
> I am also moving on towards the fact that I will never have children, and I am okay with that idea.


oh honey if not being able to make babies makes us worthless as women then I'm not sure I want to be called a woman any longer. There can be more to life than making babies  If you weren't meant to be a momma then it's time to find another purpose to give you fulfillment.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I am not aiming to be childless, but this thread caught my eye because of a recent situation where a somewhat well known person posted a blog on her facebook about what changed her mind about choosing to be childless. It was something I hadn't even thought of myself, even being someone who wanted children. Anyways, she loved children and being an aunt but just did not desire the mom lifestyle and what went along with babies and children. Then her grandmother, whom raised her alongside her mother, became very ill (some type of cancer, I believe) and entered into hospice. She flew home to spend time with her often, and when she was notified that it was probably nearing the end she flew in and stayed there until her grandmother passed. She said being there and seeing her grandmother surrounded by her family, her children and grandchildren, she saw all the strong people that came from her grandmother's legacy and how they now surrounded her in her last days. She asked herself how could she not want that? To have her own legacy and be surrounded by that when you are in your last days? She wrote about this within a few days of her passing so it will be interesting to see how she feels about it long term, but she said that that experience completely changed her mind about having children. I honestly had never thought about it that way, and that far in advance in life about choosing to have your own family that includes offspring. How do others feel about this?


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

Thound said:


> @ JB & SB
> Sometimes people are stupid ignore them. If you and your partner are happy thats all that matters.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is true. Sometimes, it is hard to ignore some of the insults. 

I've been told that I "will never be a whole woman" unless I have children.

I have also been told that I must be a lesbian, as well as someone who hates children.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

Adeline said:


> I am not aiming to be childless, but this thread caught my eye because of a recent situation where a somewhat well known person posted a blog on her facebook about what changed her mind about choosing to be childless. It was something I hadn't even thought of myself, even being someone who wanted children. Anyways, she loved children and being an aunt but just did not desire the mom lifestyle and what went along with babies and children. Then her grandmother, whom raised her alongside her mother, became very ill (some type of cancer, I believe) and entered into hospice. She flew home to spend time with her often, and when she was notified that it was probably nearing the end she flew in and stayed there until her grandmother passed. She said being there and seeing her grandmother surrounded by her family, her children and grandchildren, she saw all the strong people that came from her grandmother's legacy and how they now surrounded her in her last days. She asked herself how could she not want that? To have her own legacy and be surrounded by that when you are in your last days? She wrote about this within a few days of her passing so it will be interesting to see how she feels about it long term, but she said that that experience completely changed her mind about having children. I honestly had never thought about it that way, and that far in advance in life about choosing to have your own family that includes offspring. How do others feel about this?


People can leave a legacy without having kids. 

Also, those who have children are not always taken care of in their old age. This is what people always forget.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> People can leave a legacy without having kids.
> 
> Also, those who have children are not always taken care of in their old age. This is what people always forget.


You are right on both accounts, legacy is just the word she used so I relayed it here. I guess support would be the better word, but like you said even that is not guaranteed. She's the chick that used to be married to Christopher Knight, I forget her name at the moment but can go look it up if others want to read her story on her fan page. It just got my brain going and wondered if others had thought about this.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Adrienne Curry


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Adrienne Curry


yup! That's it.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

I love well behaved kids and quiet babies. I also love being able to give kids back to their parents and go on about my day. 

Every time I have my niece for a weekend, I remember why my husband and I don't want children. My niece is a very bright and loving little girl. She is also well behaved. However, she still needs a lot of care and attention. "Auntie, play with me." "Auntie, I peed my pants. Sorry! I couldn't hold it!":rofl: "Auntie, can we please go to the park?" "Auntie, where's Uncle?" Auntie...auntie...auntie OMG be quiet child! :rofl: 

I will love my niece forever but I feel relieved when she goes back home.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

ne9907 said:


> I am childless not by choice. I have always wanted to have a child. I am 36 year old, recently divorced, and unable to conceived.
> Your threats and all the kind words make me feel so much better; i have battled with the idea that because I do not have children, i am worthless as a woman. I know this is not true.
> 
> I am also moving on towards the fact that I will never have children, and I am okay with that idea.


Ne, I'm so sorry - I had no idea that this was something you've struggled with. Whether or not you have children/are a mother does not determine your worth as a woman. Anyone who implies otherwise is flat out wrong, and that's an indication of their messed-up-ness.

And maybe you won't have children, but who knows what else amazing things might happen in your future?

I'm not a religious person, but one of my favorite faith-based sayings is this: "God always answers your prayers. Maybe not the way you wanted or expected, but he always hears them, and he always answers them."

Maybe there's another, better answer for you 

*hugs*


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> People can leave a legacy without having kids.
> 
> Also, those who have children are not always taken care of in their old age. This is what people always forget.


This one comes up a lot. I always say, I intend my creative work (writing) and teaching (which I hope to do, eventually) to be my legacy.

And people always ask me, who will take care of you when you're old? Well, I expect that there will be nurses in whatever home I end up in, if it goes that way. But I intend to stay active well into old age, and I hope that I die doing something I love, while on some adventure.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> I love well behaved kids and quiet babies. I also love being able to give kids back to their parents and go on about my day.
> 
> Every time I have my niece for a weekend, I remember why my husband and I don't want children. My niece is a very bright and loving little girl. She is also well behaved. However, she still needs a lot of care and attention. "Auntie, play with me." "Auntie, I peed my pants. Sorry! I couldn't hold it!":rofl: "Auntie, can we please go to the park?" "Auntie, where's Uncle?" Auntie...auntie...auntie OMG be quiet child! :rofl:
> 
> I will love my niece forever but I feel relieved when she goes back home.


Yeah, I just couldn't do that. It would drive me up a wall.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> This one comes up a lot. I always say, I intend my creative work (writing) and teaching (which I hope to do, eventually) to be my legacy.
> 
> And people always ask me, who will take care of you when you're old? Well, I expect that there will be nurses in whatever home I end up in, if it goes that way. But I intend to stay active well into old age, and I hope that I die doing something I love, while on some adventure.


I know we can't really accurately predict this, but for the sake of discussion and the OP inquiring about regrets, do you think this has permanently changed her (the woman in the anecdote I wrote) views on being childless? Or once the emotion of losing her grandmother lessens a bit with time that she will return to her original life plan?


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Adeline said:


> I am not aiming to be childless, but this thread caught my eye because of a recent situation where a somewhat well known person posted a blog on her facebook about what changed her mind about choosing to be childless. It was something I hadn't even thought of myself, even being someone who wanted children. Anyways, she loved children and being an aunt but just did not desire the mom lifestyle and what went along with babies and children. Then her grandmother, whom raised her alongside her mother, became very ill (some type of cancer, I believe) and entered into hospice. She flew home to spend time with her often, and when she was notified that it was probably nearing the end she flew in and stayed there until her grandmother passed. She said being there and seeing her grandmother surrounded by her family, her children and grandchildren, she saw all the strong people that came from her grandmother's legacy and how they now surrounded her in her last days. She asked herself how could she not want that? To have her own legacy and be surrounded by that when you are in your last days? She wrote about this within a few days of her passing so it will be interesting to see how she feels about it long term, but she said that that experience completely changed her mind about having children. I honestly had never thought about it that way, and that far in advance in life about choosing to have your own family that includes offspring. How do others feel about this?


While I can definitely see the appeal in "creating a legacy", it seems like a high-risk/low-reward proposition to base it solely on progeny. While it certainly sounds like Adrienne Curry was able to be a part of a beautiful moment, I just can't see a reason to do something I really don't want to do for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for 18 years and nine months, then send the kid I raised off to do exactly the same thing and so on and so forth. For what? On the off chance that emotions and schedules align and we all get to spend my last week of life together?

I think I'd rather that my legacy be a nice endowment to either a college or an animal shelter where I can direct the use to benefit countless animals for decades to come. I'll risk the market before I risk having children.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Adeline said:


> I know we can't really accurately predict this, but for the sake of discussion and the OP inquiring about regrets, do you think this has permanently changed her (the woman in the anecdote I wrote) views on being childless?


The only way to tell is with time. You said it best - there is no way we can predict what someone's future holds. 

Also, this is another one of those things that the child-free hear all the time; another argument in baby-shaming: Have babies or NOBODY will be there when you die!


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Adeline said:


> I know we can't really accurately predict this, but for the sake of discussion and the OP inquiring about regrets, do you think this has permanently changed her (the woman in the anecdote I wrote) views on being childless? Or once the emotion of losing her grandmother lessens a bit with time that she will return to her original life plan?


I'm guessing that she's still figuring out her life plan. She was married to a guy that was what? 30 years older than her or something? Much, much older at any rate. That could have driven her early decision to be childfree. She was a model, that could have driven her decision too. Now that as far as I know, she's neither of those things, I would imagine a whole new world of possible choices is opening up to her.

We're all a work in progress and the best thing about making up your mind, is that you can almost always change it again!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> This is true. Sometimes, it is hard to ignore some of the insults.
> 
> I've been told that I "will never be a whole woman" unless I have children.
> 
> I have also been told that I must be a lesbian, as well as someone who hates children.


Im sorry that you were exposed to Aholes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> The only way to tell is with time. You said it best - there is no way we can predict what someone's future holds.
> 
> Also, this is another one of those things that the child-free hear all the time; another argument in baby-shaming: Have babies or NOBODY will be there when you die!


HA! Exactly! My father buried an older cousin of his just last week. She was 83 and he'd been overseeing her care for years. Why? Because her son had drunk himself to death years and years before she ever even needed care. Guess that whole "have a baby to care for you in your old age" thing didn't really pan out.

The only insurance you have at the end, is well....insurance.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Adeline said:


> I know we can't really accurately predict this, but for the sake of discussion and the OP inquiring about regrets, do you think this has permanently changed her (the woman in the anecdote I wrote) views on being childless? Or once the emotion of losing her grandmother lessens a bit with time that she will return to her original life plan?


I agree with JB, I think it's a time will tell moment. Her reaction/change of heart is an emotional response to an experience, and emotions wane and change.

My decision is based on rational, logical reasoning. Every once in a while, I think, well, it might be nice... -- usually after witnessing a particular touching moment between a parent and child. But I always come back to my senses. Or occasionally, I think, if I fall in love with a man who really, really wants kids, maybe... but then I come back to my senses.

If I was that woman in the anecdote, I would come back to my senses. Hopefully before I got myself preggers


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

Thound said:


> Im sorry that you were exposed to Aholes
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks. I guess that's life; some people are just ignorant. 

The lesbian comments were particularly asinine. There are so many lesbian couples who enjoy being mothers.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> Yeah, I just couldn't do that. It would drive me up a wall.


:lol::lol: It drives me nuts, but I put up with it because I love my niece to death. She is so cute! 

There are sweet moments too. When I tuck my niece into bed, she looks up at me and smiles. "G'night Auntie. I love you so much." 

Watching she and my husband have dance contests is both funny and heartwarming. 

My niece still speaks like a little kid as she is only five. She says "waisin bwead" instead of raisin bread, "Toof" instead of tooth...you get the idea.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I find that the ideal amount of time to spend with other people's children is long enough to properly wind them up and stuff them with sugar and short enough to pass them back before the sugar crash hits :rofl:


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

We are child-free by choice. We are still young, but have been married 5 years and both know that we do not want children, ever. It's strange because I work with kids and love working with them - but I know, and have always known, that I don't want any of my own. 

I think society is becoming more accepting of women who don't want children. It used to be that I wouldn't ever even dare utter the words "I don't want kids," but now it seems like there are more and more couples choosing not to have kids.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

It's actually interesting the way that demographics are shifting. I was in a meeting not too long ago where we were talking about the rise in donors to our foundation who were childfree and how we could best shift our encounters to pique their interest in contributing. Not only is it becoming more common to remain childfree, but childfree adults and specifically women, are becoming a targetable market sector. Pretty cool....


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I went thru school with a fine young man that was an only child. His parents doted on him, but he wasnt spoiled. He was just as a fine young you could hope to meet. A week after we graduated from high school he was killed in a car wreck
I often wondered if it would be better that he wasnt born. I mean what is worse: Having a child and losing, or never having a child. But this and other tragidties have made me have countless sleepless nights. I still worry and my kids are grown.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

COGypsy said:


> It's actually interesting the way that demographics are shifting. I was in a meeting not too long ago where we were talking about the rise in donors to our foundation who were childfree and how we could best shift our encounters to pique their interest in contributing. Not only is it becoming more common to remain childfree, but childfree adults and specifically women, are becoming a targetable market sector. Pretty cool....


It is great, isn't it? Coupled with the fact that couples are voluntarily having children later and later in life, I feel like it's no longer remotely socially acceptable to ask a couple in their late 20s through mid 30s when they are going to have children. Of course, social taboo doesn't dissuade everybody  but I feel like I would've gotten a lot more flak for my choice twenty years ago than I do today.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

dignityhonorpride said:


> It is great, isn't it? Coupled with the fact that couples are voluntarily having children later and later in life, *I feel like it's no longer remotely socially acceptable to ask a couple in their late 20s through mid 30s when they are going to have children*. Of course, social taboo doesn't dissuade everybody  but I feel like I would've gotten a lot more flak for my choice twenty years ago than I do today.


Well, I know a lot of people who didn't get the memo! LOL


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

IGSIMB said:


> Ladies who have made a choice to be child-free:
> 
> What were the main reasons? How did you feel about it through your life, any regrets? Is life pretty much fabulous/clean and peaceful or is it boring and lonely at times?
> 
> ...


Male here.

We are child free by choice.


I think I'm beginning to feel regret.
I love children.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Male here.
> 
> We are child free by choice.
> 
> ...


Awww CM. Really? 

You both kind of just evolved into it, you didn't plan NOT to, right? What does your wife think?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> Awww CM. Really?
> 
> You both kind of just evolved into it, you didn't plan NOT to, right? What does your wife think?


Yeah.

We just kept putting it off.

Funny thing is , I literally raised one of my sister's kids, and he's first yr engineering now. Brilliant fellow. We hang out on weekends at the sport bar and do lots of crazy stuff together.

Recently I realized in hindsight that this could have been our son.

My wife is definitely NOT interested in having a baby at her age.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Yeah.
> 
> We just kept putting it off.
> 
> ...


Can't say that I blame her! My H is 33 and he says he had definitely planned to be done by now instead of just starting (even though we probably will end up being one and done).


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I think the decision to have kids or not is something you have to kind of feel in your gut. I felt I wanted them even when I was pretty young. I just knew I'd be a dad some day. And likewise, if someone feels confident they don't want kids, I see no reason to question them. 

Whenever everyone tries to do some kind of "cost-benefit analysis" of it or analyze data on "happiness" of people with kids vs without, the whole thing falls apart for me. It's just not a decision you can make that way.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

My aunt and her husband are childless by choice. They have tons of cash, hobbies and fun. They're also starting to regret it now, in their 60s. They're compensating by being involved more with some of the less fortunate kids in my family. Seems to work out well.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

John Lee said:


> I think the decision to have kids or not is something you have to kind of feel in your gut. I felt I wanted them even when I was pretty young. I just knew I'd be a dad some day. And likewise, if someone feels confident they don't want kids, I see no reason to question them.
> 
> Whenever everyone tries to do some kind of "cost-benefit analysis" of it or analyze data on "happiness" of people with kids vs without, the whole thing falls apart for me. It's just not a decision you can make that way.


:iagree: Having kids is a very emotional and primal decision. It cannot be quantified on a spreadsheet. 

A similar example would be spending money on a wedding. From a logical and financial standpoint, a wedding is a ridiculous idea. However, nobody can buy memories or put a price on the joy of sharing a wedding day with someone they love.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Jellybeans, Gypsy, Feminist, anyone else who commented, I love that we can discuss this! But yeah, I am in some ways indeed interested in Adrianne's ultimate decision, but I guess I was more interested in the scenario as a generic notion rather than all the factors that go into her life specifically. More like, could a tragedy or other epiphany causing circumstance happen to change someone's mind about having children? Or is the likelihood of that impossible? More in a general sense, outside of just Adrianne. 

I'm curious about later life other than the "end days" for all of us. Many people are spry into their old age and do not necessarily need a lot of care until right before their passing. Just like Adrianne's grandmother didn't go into hospice care until the last few months of her life, my own grandmother was living on her own until the last few months of her life in hospice care. My other grandmother is still living. But both of them lost their husbands 30-40 years ago. I'm curious, those of you who chose to remain childless, what do you imagine your life like as a hypothetically fairly healthy person in their 80s and 90s? Let's say you don't need any caretakers until your last few months of life, and you are able to live on your own. Your husband and parents and siblings have all passed on. Are you hoping to forge strong friendships with others? What do you imagine holidays to be like? I know this isn't a reason to have children, I am just curious what those of you imagine that period of your life to be like since when I imagine it for myself I imagine having family be my focal point in my old age. My dad still makes a point to see his nearly 100 year old mother every single summer. I didn't realize it as much when I was younger, but that is really precious. 

I hope you don't mind me bringing this to the discussion... I enjoy talking about topics from all angles, and learning about other people's viewpoints, especially when they differ from my own! 




FeministInPink said:


> I agree with JB, I think it's a time will tell moment. Her reaction/change of heart is an emotional response to an experience, and emotions wane and change.
> 
> My decision is based on rational, logical reasoning. Every once in a while, I think, well, it might be nice... -- usually after witnessing a particular touching moment between a parent and child.  But I always come back to my senses. Or occasionally, I think, if I fall in love with a man who really, really wants kids, maybe... but then I come back to my senses.
> 
> If I was that woman in the anecdote, I would come back to my senses. Hopefully before I got myself preggers


Yes! That's what I suspect as well. In fact, I had at times had things happen to me that made me wonder if I ever wanted children. I always thought I'd have children, but I remember even in my late teen years when I was dating my ex boyfriend I would always tell him I wanted to be married at least 5 years before having a kid. I still felt that way when I met my husband. But having a child seemed so foreign to me for so long, I always thought of it as something that was far into the future. But then I would wonder if perhaps I really ever wanted them at all... I remember loving my dogs so much and wondering if maybe that was enough for me. Seems silly, but it was an honest to goodness thought of mine! I didn't feel maternal until about 3 years ago when I felt certain I wanted to be a mother. To humans, hehe  But there were many things that happened to me that made me feel that I wanted to be childless at times. I wonder if other people have felt that way as well. Funny how emotional experiences can cause that!


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

My SO and I as a couple are childless by choice; he got a vasectomy last year at 28. He does have a six year old child from a former marriage, though.

I've known since around 13 or 14 that I didn't want kids of my own. I've never felt I had the patience, and I don't really like kids, plus the idea of pregnancy sounds horrible to me. 
Sometimes I do feel bad, like I'm less than a person because people have really pounded me for not 'providing grandchildren/great-grandchildren', but we have my SO's son and he's enough for me. He isn't with us full time, but through him, I've gotten to experience enough of the kid things that I don't regret this choice.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

I am one that always wanted children.. I always said I'd do it with or without a husband.. I regret the father I chose, but not the children.. 

However, I do realize it's not for everyone.. Nor should it be.. 

I remember going out to dinner with my friend from college and her H.. She was/is very career oriented and successful, as is her H. And she was in her mid 30s at that time.. And we were talking about kids in general and I asked, generally, if they had made a choice to have kids or not.. And I remember her saying "Bless you for saying it that way! I'm so sick of people asking me WHEN." And she said they teetered back and forth on the idea and decided on having one. And she was funny, b/c she said, and b/c you said it in the nice way, I'm going to tell YOU that we are trying.. No one else knows, b/c I don't want to give them the satisfaction! :rofl:

I know there's pressure, b/c I didn't have mine until after 30, and I was getting the "isn't your clock ticking?!?!"


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Adeline said:


> I'm curious, those of you who chose to remain childless, what do you imagine your life like as a hypothetically fairly healthy person in their 80s and 90s? Let's say you don't need any caretakers until your last few months of life, and you are able to live on your own. Your husband and parents and siblings have all passed on. Are you hoping to forge strong friendships with others? What do you imagine holidays to be like? I know this isn't a reason to have children, I am just curious what those of you imagine that period of your life to be like since when I imagine it for myself *I imagine having family be my focal point in my old age.* My dad still makes a point to see his nearly 100 year old mother every single summer. I didn't realize it as much when I was younger, but that is really precious.


This speaks to what I mean by the "kid shaped hole" that people have. I think that when parenting is what you want to do, your picture for yourself always contains kids and family is defined as you and your kids. That's not a picture I have in my mind at all. I fully expect my retirement to be filled with travel, volunteering and socializing. I have a HUGE extended family that I can always glom onto for holidays, but mostly I prefer to be in warm places when it's cold out. I am actually looking forward to a time when I have fewer family obligations for the holidays and can just book a cruise or go lay on a beach somewhere. Not that I'm looking forward to not having all of my family, but I enjoy them so much more in say, August rather than trying to squeeze "quality time" into holiday hustle and bustle.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

COGypsy said:


> This speaks to what I mean by the "kid shaped hole" that people have. I think that when parenting is what you want to do, your picture for yourself always contains kids and family is defined as you and your kids. That's not a picture I have in my mind at all. I fully expect my retirement to be filled with travel, volunteering and socializing. I have a HUGE extended family that I can always glom onto for holidays, but mostly I prefer to be in warm places when it's cold out. I am actually looking forward to a time when I have fewer family obligations for the holidays and can just book a cruise or go lay on a beach somewhere. Not that I'm looking forward to not having all of my family, but I enjoy them so much more in say, August rather than trying to squeeze "quality time" into holiday hustle and bustle.


You read/spoke/wrote my mind, COGypsy. I love my family, but the holidays are far too stressful with the obligatory participation - but it's the only time I see my extended family. It puts a LOT of stress on my sister and her husband, with their young kids, to put in time with his fam, our fam, and other separate obligations. 

For example, since my grandparents passed nearly a decade ago, my aunt--my father's only sister, single, childless--insists on taking us out to dinner for the holidays, so this is yet another thing that has to be scheduled and fit in. We've invited her to spend Christmas Eve at my parent's home--we're all there, anyway, and we would love to have her, and it would make everything easier for all of us--but she declines and insists on this separate dinner, usually the day after Christmas. So I have to add another day onto my visit to accommodate, my sister has to use a vacation day to take off work just for this dinner.

I love my sis and her kids, and when they have kids, I'll love them, too--but we'll get together outside of the holidays. I'm not going to impose on their time when they're trying to juggle so many things. I'll go to Mexico and drink margaritas over the holidays, and I'll spend time with them when it's not so hectic.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Adeline said:


> But having a child seemed so foreign to me for so long, I always thought of it as something that was far into the future. But then I would wonder if perhaps I really ever wanted them at all...


I can relate to this so hard. So hard. 



EntirelyDifferent said:


> I've known since around 13 or 14 that I didn't want kids of my own. I've never felt I had the patience, and *I don't really like kids, plus the idea of pregnancy sounds horrible to me.*


:rofl:



COGypsy said:


> This speaks to what I mean by the "kid shaped hole" that people have.


Ok, seriously. I love this whole "Kid shaped hole" idea/thing, COG. You are a genius!

Also, I have a really big family who is always doing things together. I never really feel alone.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok, seriously. I love this whole "Kid shaped hole" idea/thing, COG. You are a genius!
> 
> Also, I have a really big family who is always doing things together. I never really feel alone.


Ha ha - thanks! It came to me during a rough time for a friend of mine who has wanted a child more than anything for as long as I've known her. We had many, many long conversations about would she be able to get pregnant at all, should they try to adopt and so on. I just feel like kids are your heart's desire or they aren't. If they are, nothing else fills that void. Thus, the kid-shaped hole analogy was born! And shortly thereafter, so was her daughter


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

We live away from family. It's not unusual for hubs and I to spend holidays together, just the two of us, or perhaps with friends. I had a down moment about this the other year after a little shindig with some neighbors and seeing how some families can be. I became sensitive to this for a bit. It's so unusual for me to learn of women who speak to their mothers every day or see their family each week. That's not my style and/or the dynamic we have. My family and I are there for one another in our own way and I don't sneeze at that. It was just recognizing what this meant to me. 

I guess I don't consider the future that way because it's all so damned unpredictable anyway. Friends, travel, volunteering, being part of community; these things are important to hubs and I.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

EntirelyDifferent said:


> My SO and I as a couple are childless by choice; he got a vasectomy last year at 28. He does have a six year old child from a former marriage, though.
> 
> I've known since around 13 or 14 that I didn't want kids of my own. I've never felt I had the patience, and I don't really like kids, plus the idea of pregnancy sounds horrible to me.
> Sometimes I do feel bad, like I'm less than a person because people have really pounded me for not 'providing grandchildren/great-grandchildren', but we have my SO's son and he's enough for me. He isn't with us full time, but through him, I've gotten to experience enough of the kid things that I don't regret this choice.


Let me make this clear. YOU ARE NOT LESS OF A PERSON JUST BECAUSE YOU DONT WANT KIDS!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Thound said:


> Let me make this clear. YOU ARE NOT LESS OF A PERSON JUST BECAUSE YOU DONT WANT KIDS!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ditto. You are not obligated to proved grandchildren or great-grandchildren. You're not an incubator, you're a full person with the ability and right to make your own choices. Anyone who gives you a hard time about that is projecting their own issues onto you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

The other thing to finally realize is that there is always going to be SOMETHING for people to hammer you about. If it's not having kids, it's how many you have, how you're raising them, what you're feeding them, if you work, if you stay home....people will always have a soapbox and some 2cents to "contribute" to your life. So even if they convinced you to have kids, it wouldn't stop the nagging, it would only change the tune.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

It is clearly the woman's decision and there should be no shame or pride attached either way. I had seemed my wife was interested in having kids, which is why I was eager to get married. Once married that interest disappeared, which was very disappointing. However, there are plenty of men who would be delighted not to have any.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

IGSIMB said:


> Ladies who have made a choice to be child-free:
> 
> What were the main reasons? How did you feel about it through your life, any regrets? Is life pretty much fabulous/clean and peaceful or is it boring and lonely at times?
> 
> ...



My wifee and I are probably not having kids because we both work full time jobs and are in very good financial standing. She loves her career and won't give it up, so I would have to be a stay at home dad, if we wanted kids.

I see my coworkers and wife's friends who have kids and they are tight for cash, can't do this or that, kids take up their time together, lack of sex, and the list goes on and on and some only rent and never own a house ever.

I personally would have no issues with kids if we had a good single income, but were we live, one of the most expensive cities in Canada (top 5 I believe) its just not realistic. You pretty much need 3 incomes to buy a new house here. Average house here is $500,000+ yet the wages are low, no major industry and many here have vacation homes, retired or students.

My sister did have kids though, 3 of them, so I think she is using her husbands and her own last names.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I've never really cared either way. Both of my children were unplanned but both were wanted once I knew I was pregnant. I've never been one to gush over other people's babies, never felt the overwhelming desire to reproduce. I think I could have been just as happy not having kids of my own but now that they're here, couldn't imagine my life without them.

I'm torn on whether or not I want to have any more. I can't take hormonal birth control but I am not ready to make a permanent decision of tubal ligation to prevent more pregnancies. So I'm hoping that the IUD works for me when I get it in May.


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