# Don't focus your anger on the OM /OW



## Slayerman (Sep 12, 2012)

Don’t focus your anger on the OM / OW. It’s the cheating spouses whom broke their vows.

Trust me, it’s not always the OM /OW who is the evil one. I know because i was cheated on and became an OM myself. And you could get in lots of trouble like i did myself. Here’s my story. (a very long one i must say but i hope you have the time to read it.) i hope you don’t mind my typos cause English is not my native language.

Here goes : 
It all happend 3 years ago. I was happily married for 2 years when my world was destroyed.

One evening when i was watching tv together with my wife we ran in to an episode of dr. Phil. The show’s subject was cheating. After the show my wife started to cry and said she wanted to have a very important conversation with me.

She said she had been cheating on me for more than 3 monhs. I was totaly flabbergasted as you can imagine. Wife said she was lonely cause i was working late shifts and she needed company. So she started visiting chatsites to have conversations with other people. Just for the sake of talking she said.

She became close to a guy and started seeing him for real, just lunchdates at first. But after a couple of weeks they went to the guys house and ofcourse they had sex. I was totaly shocked and couldn’t say a damned word to my wife. I just took off, went to my brothers house and stayed there for a couple of days. My wife was constantly calling me and texting me begging to come home but i didn’t answer her calls for a while. I needed time to get my head straight and think about my future with the wife.

I finally decided that i would be going back home to my wife because i really loved her too much to throw away my marriage. My wife was very remorseful (in hindsight it seems she was acting the remorsful cheater) and i said i wanted to be able to forgive her and work out our problems.

So we talked and talked about her affair and i asked for all the details about what happend between them, i became totally enraged with this other guy. I couln’t let go of the images in my mind of this POS screwing my wife and without protection as well. 

My wife wrote a NC letter to the guy in wich se said she was very sorry for cheating on her husband and wanted to work out her marriage and that the two of them could never see eachother again. We emailed the NC letter and she didn’t hear from the guy again.

But i just couldn’t let go of the anger and i completely focussed on the OM. I wanted to put the guy in misery. My wife asked my to just forget about him and that he’s just a jerk and wasn't worth it.

But i couldn’t forget. The rage burned inside me and i kept asking my wife about the OM, just pushing and pushing her to feed me info. One night i became so angry i went to bed early, i was disgusted with the thought of them doing the act and i said to my wife i was also disgusted with her. So i just went to bed alone and my wife spent the night sleeping on the couch.

The next morning i went downstairs and my wife already went to work. She left a note for me in wich she said she just couldn’t take the guilt anymore and just wanted to give me the info that i need. She wrote down the guy’s phonenumber, home adress, work adress, his work schedule, and even where he went to lunch. (wifey went to lunch with this guy while he was on his lunchbreaks). She also wrote that the guy was a total jerk and he initiated the sex even though he knew she was a married woman

I didn’t know what to do with the info but at least i now knew who the guy was.

Then during another angry mood i coulnd’t take it anymore. I wanted this guy’s head. I took the day off from work and i parked my car in front of the guy’s house to wait for him to get home from work.

Finally a man arrived and walked to the front door of the house. I got out of my car and called the guy’s name to see if this man reacted, he turned around and asked what i wanted from him. I walked up to him and asked him if he enjoyed being between my wife’s legs. The guy was looking realy surprised. He asked me who i was talking about and i gave him my wife’s name. He looked so surprised and terrified. He swore he didn’t knew my wife was married. This enraged me even more because my wife said something different in the note she left me. I went berserk and started attacking the guy, punching and kicking him and i coninued even though he already was laying on the ground. I kept pounding and pounding on him untill a couple of his neighbors broke us up. They had already called the police and i was arrested on the spot when the cops arrived.

I got a 60 days jailsentence (dutch laws are soft) for aggravated assault. The guy was hospitalized, he was a total wreck.
My wife visited me in jail and said she was turned on by my actions, i was sexy to her because i defended my wife and put the guy in the hospital.

When i finally got home my wife was playing the part of the repenting wife and said she wanted to become an open book to me, she gave me all the passwords to her mailaccounts and facebook and what not and i checked on her regularly and didn’t find any signs she was cheating on me again wich calmed me down. All went good between me and my wife for the next couple of months.

Then one Fridaynight i finished my shift early and i wanted to suprise my wife so i didn’t call her to say i was coming home early . I went to the liquorstore and bought her a nice bottle of wine and went home. 

When i entered my house my wife wasn’t in the livingroom, she was upstairs taking a shower. So i went to the computer to surf the web untill she got out of the shower. The computer was still turned on and when i took it out of screensaver mode i saw facebook was still opened. It was a different facebook account than the one i was used to and also under a different name. I decided to check it out and my world was upside down once more.

I saw she had been chatting with lots of guys and just knew she was still cheating on me with multiple guys.My heart just broke. I also saw a message from the guy whom i put in the hospital. He was cursing at my wife bacause she had lead him on and i put him in the hospital and that he didn’t deserve all this. He said that if he knew she was married he just would back off There was also a reply message from my wife saying how sorry she was for all he went through. He replied to her and said he never wanted to see her again. Ofcourse I didn’t believe all this.

When my wife came downstairs i confronted her with all of this and go into a big fight. She said she was still cheating on me and couldn’t help herself not to. I said it was over between us and kicked her out of the house, she went to her mother’s place and the next morning i went to a lawyer to start the divorce proceedings. A couple of months later the divorce was final and i was left a broken man, alone and very depressed. I didn’t take care of myself anymore and i reached rock bottom. I was in this state for almost a year when i picked myself up and started looking for dates again. But this time i didn;t want a commitment anymore so i just had casuel sex with different woman i met on chatsites for single people. I felt great cause i had my sexual needs fulfilled without any strings attached.

There was one particular woman with whom i enjoyed the sex the most so i continued a sexual realtionship with her. She also wanted just a sexpartner and didn’t want to have a regular relationship with guys. This continued for some months untill one night while we were having sex she pulled away from me and broke down in tears saying she can’t do this to her husband anymore. I said WTF???? I thought you were a single woman. Why did you lie to me? She said she was sorry but she didn’t know.


Ofcourse i got angry with her and said i never want to see you again. I felt used and also went into a depression again cause this whole situation triggered the thought about my ex-wife’s cheating.

During that period i felt soo used by that woman who said she was single and i just couln’t help but thinking about the guy i was jailed for. I guessed he felt just as used by my wife as i was just by this other woman. I realised i was also the OM, just like him. I just felt so guilty about kicking this guy’s ass that i wanted to apologise to him. I didn’t know how to because i thought this guy would be very affraid of me and call the cops on me. So i wrote him a letter in wich i profoundly apologised to him and that i wanted to talk to him in person. In a public place if he wanted to..

After a couple of weeks i got a call on my cellphone. It was a very shaky voice saying “hi, i gpt your letter and i’ve been thinking about this a lot. I do want to meet you and work things out.

So we went to have lunch the next day and talked and talked and i kept apologising. I totally believed him and told him what had happend to me with the other lying woman. That’s when we both realised we had been used bye evil women who play with their spouses and AP’s emotions. 

We kept staying in touch and in the end Mike and i became friends. He now is one of my best fiiends can you believe that ****? Funny isn’t it :scratchhead:? To be friends with the guy who also knows your ex-wife intimatly. 

Long story short: don’t focus your anger at the OM /OW. Sure there are the sickos who get a kick out of bedding married men / woman. But there are also people like Mike and myself who are innocent and are being used by the cheating spouses.

I’ll always be sorry for what i did to Mike. It took him so long to recover from his injuries. 

Thanks for reading

Slayerman


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## Mr.not.so.right (Aug 28, 2012)

Good post, has a former cheater I am glad that my wife is focusing her anger on me, your English is excellent by the way. Its good that you and this guy have become friends after everything that happened


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## Slayerman (Sep 12, 2012)

Thanks for your compliment mr. not so right. I hope that i will help some BS with this post to change their focus on their WW spouse.


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## Mr.not.so.right (Aug 28, 2012)

Lots of poster here refer to the "trickle truth" that they receive for their ws, your post highlights that the full truth should always be given, it helps ws like me as well


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## Slayerman (Sep 12, 2012)

PS i guess the ex-wife had the Karma train run over her. She got pregnant by one of her sexpartners and now has a daughter. Don't feel sorry for the ex, but i do feel sorry for the kid.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Did you expose your wife to your friends and family?


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## Slayerman (Sep 12, 2012)

I've told my friends and family because they obviosly wanted to know why i divorced her. And her family also knows she's a cheater.Ivé spoken with her sister when i ran into her at the mall. She told my my ex was a cheater before she even knew me. I sarcastically thanked her sister for never telling me this before i married the ex. If i'd know she was a cheater before i would have never married her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I have to disagree about the idea of not worrying about the OM/OW at all. I think they do deserve blow back for their part in the affair. Never physical violence like you did, but they deserve at minimum what ever it takes to make them remove themselves from your spouse forever.

If the AP is married or has a GF you always expose , because the OMW/OWH has a right to know.

Then depending on their role in the affair, especially if they knew the SO was married, then you escalate to other actions such as exposure to their workplace, friends, family as appropriate.

The OM/OW is a cancer that you need to remove permanently.

This of course doesn't absolve the WS. If they do not face consequences from their cheating then they most likely will do it again. 

Your wife never faced a consequence for her cheating until you divorced her. You chose well in divorcing her, but I do not agree that you just ignore the OM/OW.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I agree with Shaggy; some people actively pursue married partners, they get a kick out of it. The least I should be able to do is kick some OW ass if she dares try it with us. Figuaratively speaking, of course.

My H had an ex who was trying to sashay back into his life after we were married; I assembled as much info as I could about her, including where she works and lives, who her man is, her siblings, parents, addresses, phone numbers, whatever I could get. I then told him that if she persisted on sticking her ugly mug into our lives, I'd expose her to her entire family and her place of work, where she holds a high and prominent position in a community organization. Imagine what I'd do if an affair were discovered...


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## Slayerman (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi Shaggy, i didn't say you don't need to worry about the OM / OW. Of course you're gonna worry about them but is wasn't them that broke the wedding vows. And like i posted, sometimes they truly are the innocent party when your WW leads them on. That's why i said you should focus your anger on the WW instead of on the AP.

I'm so sorry i turned violent on the OM, i'm not a person like that at all. Being betrayed by your spouse can even turn you in a killer i guess.
You're right that my ex-wife only faced the consequenses of her cheating when i divorced. For me that's a well learned lesson for my future if i decide to open up my heart to a woman again.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

The Ap (affair partner) broke no vows, unless he/she is married to somebody else. The trouble is that too many people, (many on TAM) both BS and WS alike, will use the AP as a convenient excuse for the affair and to mitigate the punishment that the WS deserves. This type of thinking almost always leads to false R and further cheating.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I am so sorry that a MW lied about her status during your affair. I am sorry that you WexW lied to her APs about her status. If that had been the case in my situation I would have never blamed the MOW. But as you can see she was married too. She knew we were still married. Both families had 3 kids a piece. While I was furious with my WH, I am still pissed at the MOW. I tend to hold women to a higher standard. As a mother I would never take a chance on destroying two families. As mothers we are the string that holds a family together. She is a piece of crap in my eyes. Just as your WexW is.

Guess what....I blew her world up. That sad part is she constantly does this to her husband and he stays. He even stayed after she had an affair during the engagement. I feel sorry for him.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

And no I did not let my husband off easily. He has stated many times that I do not trust him. That I will not easily open my heart to him. He gets that I am giving him a last chance. Do I love him? More than he will ever know. I am bestowing a great gift upon him that I hope he never rips to shreads.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

I totally agree that your anger should be totally directed at the WS. The OM / OW are just "tools" the WS used to cheat. If it wasn't them, it would have been somebody else. If they had their mind set to cheat, they are going to cheat.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

My wife looked up her ex hs bf on face book,they never had sex in high school,she started a EA with him and even met up four times at a parking lot during the day,nothing physical happened.
When I found out I exposed all around.Her ex bf is a twice convicted felon,semi-homeless,has no care save for his company truck,his check is garnished so bad that there isnt crap left (he owes money to car lots,doctors,dentist,etc )
After I exposed,his gf kicked him out and he got in trouble at work.He has broken up other families and moved in with the women,used them and moved on.
He had his sights set on my house,even bragged about "his" new house and three car garage he was getting.
I dont think so.
I kicked my wife out but she is back and we are in R.
Thats when POSOM started calling me,challenged me to fights because I stuck my nose in "his" business,he ran from the fights but kept calling for four months saying disgusting things about my wife and kids,I even had to leave work early twice because of his threats that he was on his way to my house.
We did go to the police with voicemails from him and it stopped,now he is calling from a blocked number and just laughing,he wont leave a voice mail.
This idiot lives a couple towns over from us and I have seen him a couple times on the road.
Its just a matter of time before we bump into eachother and when we do,its lights out for him.
This is one time where I think violence is justified,oh I will let him take the first swing if he will.
He should have fallen off the face of the Earth,instead he had to show his @ss and taunt me.
So in this case I think he deserves it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Slayerman (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi Calvin, facebook can be so dangerous right? lots of cheating starts with people looking for their ex's on FB.

But please try to resist the temptation of kicking this guys ass. You could end up in jail just like i did. And i went to jail for only 60 days. I guess over there in your state you can wind up in jail for much longer than i did

I realise now, no cheater is worth going to jail for.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Agreed. When I found out my ex fiance cheated on me. within a week I went out for blood. I got in a few punches before I realized just how stupid I was when I was cuffed in the back of a squad car, blood seeping from my knuckles, a busted lip and a black bruise on my forehead tomorrow that I got from my head hitting the concrete after a cop tackled me and I hit the ground.( He was pretty swoll, but he looked worse than I did after the scuffle) 

I gotta admit, when I got to jail and see all these dudes looking like bums and thugs I was so ashamed of myself. To think I'd be behind bars and be just another one of them, like an animal in a cage.(Sounds conceited I know, but thats just the truth of what I was feeling at the time)

Luckily I knew the officer and he took pity on me and cut me a break. 

going after OM is never worth it. If you think my tale is bad, read juicer's


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Slayerman said:


> Hi Calvin, facebook can be so dangerous right? lots of cheating starts with people looking for their ex's on FB.
> 
> But please try to resist the temptation of kicking this guys ass. You could end up in jail just like i did. And i went to jail for only 60 days. I guess over there in your state you can wind up in jail for much longer than i did
> 
> I realise now, no cheater is worth going to jail for.


Really sorry about what happened to you Slayer.
Thats pretty wild you and him are now friends,kinda cool actually.It appears the Om in your case was a victim like you.
In my case tho,this guy gets a kick out of taunting me from afar.
I saw him in his work truck a couple months ago and went after him but lost him.
I dont think I've come across another situation like this on Tams.
My OM might as well beg me to whoop his @ss.
Until the calls started I wasnt looking for him.
I cant get a restraining order against him right now we tried, so that leaves one option for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ Yes, ignore him or get to beat him up for a few minutes and sit in jail or prison for several months.

Also OM can sue you for his pain and suffering and you'll be paying his hospital bills. 

You think him taunting you is bad? Imagine having to DIRECTLY GIVE HIM YOUR MONEY.

That I could never stomach.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Yes Slayer,I cant stand Facebook.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

I dunno. There's usually plenty of blame and anger to go around.


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