# Husband is contemplating a divorce



## Allison C (Nov 1, 2012)

This is kind of a weird story, but for some background info my husband and I both grew up Mormon. In the mormon church there are certain things you must do to enter the celestial kingdom (or the highest heaven possible), baptism, going through the mormon temple, getting married in the mormon temple, etc. He recently told me that when he got back from his mission he believed that the next thing for him to do in order to progress towards the celestial kingdom was to get married in the temple...So, he found the first person willing (me) and married her. He said that he saw me firstly as a tool, and secondly as a person (sounds horrible I know). He said that his parents never really had a loving, or passionate marriage and so he never saw this as his goal. Now that he no longer believes that the mormon church has any truth he says that we got married for the wrong reasons (which is true...on his part), and that we never were very compatible, and he doubts we will ever be able to be truly happy together. 

We also have two young children; a 2 year old and a 1.5 month old. We both want to do the best thing for them! We have been to marriage counselors, have looked at many aspects of our marriage, and have tried very hard to work out problems. I do love him and have been wanting our marriage to work, and I have been trying so hard to make him happy. However, he is still depressed and still thinks that we will be happier separated. Now I am starting to resent him because despite all of my efforts his feelings haven't changed much. 

Like I said I have 2 young children whom I have been a stay at home mom to. I have a major in music science (opera, and singing is the emphasis) and so if we are separated I am afraid that I will not be able to get a job capable of supporting both them as well as myself. I was planning on getting my masters, but that got put off when my first child was born. So, I am really frightened about what will happen to us financially in the case of a divorce. 

Anyways, I am kind of a mess right now. Does anyone have any relationship or financial advise? Thank you so much for reading this!!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

What are his complaints? That is, why does he think you are not compatible? Are you still Morman yourself? Are you sexually compatible?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I have several LDS friends/couples. They all seem to be having troubles, a couple of them it was almost an arranged marriage upon the guy coming home from his mission? Was that your scenario?

Did/Have you sought marriage counseling thru the church, or thru an independent counseling service? Try the other if you did just one of the above.

Considering you've been a stay at home mom, you should get alimony for a while due to the age of the children, as well as child support. And from what I know the church is very good at helping out if your in good standing. Also seek a free legal service to get some issues covered, for yourself and the children. ie insurance to boot.

His comments are cold and hurtful, i'd work on yourself for the time being. Sounds like maybe some follow-up classes in music, online of course might be worth checking out. Good luck


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## Allison C (Nov 1, 2012)

No, I am no longer Mormon. We left the church together. We have talked a lot about sexual compatibility because I worried that there was a problem there, but he says that this isn't an issue. As far as other complaints go, he says that there is nothing wrong with me and that he thinks that I am a fine person...however we just don't work together. So, I haven't really been able to figure out exactly why he thinks we are not compatible; I can only guess. 

He is an engineer, and he gets obsessed with projects and can't really focus on much else while is "obsessed" with a project. I have speculated that he gets annoyed with me if I bother him while he is working on a project.
Also, I don't think he likes how I am not very interested in computers/programming (don't know if there are many girls who are though)
Also, he is a bit of a pessimist (always has been), and I am not so much
I like to talk, he does not (unless it's about what ever he is deeply interested in at the time)
We are also just in a rough time in our lives; have to young children, we left the Mormon church and dealing with family has been really stressful. Both of our families are worried that we are not going to make it to heaven, and are pressuring us to come back. My family even hates my husband because they believe it is his fault that we left the church. I think they would be happy if we got a divorce.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

If he's been a lifelong Mormon and has become disillusioned with the church (was he excommunicated?), he's going to naturally reassess all parts of his life. You're part of that reassessment, as it looks from this chair. 

Religious disillusionment is very difficult, the longer one has been in their church. I've seen it enough times in my life to see how it changes people. Often they get extreme on their reassessment of everything, form their childhood to their marriage to their moral code and on and on. It's a tough time. 

I'd recommend getting into some counseling pretty quickly, before he starts pulling a real heavy chain of regret behind him. Each thing he picks up from his life and looks at becomes another link in that chain. And you're tied to it not only by marraige but biologically with children. 

Has he stopped believing that you are married forever? My Mormon friends tell me that is a basic tenet of the church.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Allison C said:


> Also, I don't think he likes how I am not very interested in computers/programming (don't know if there are many girls who are though)
> 
> *My first wife was a computer programmer and got ME interested in computers. hate them now (he says as he types...)*
> 
> ...


I'll add that I am very Christian, not Mormon, and in fact as a very young boy decided not to pick a "church" per se as God said everything he needed to say when he blessed us with Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I get a far more "religious experience" out of standing on top of a mountain than I ever got going to a man-made church. 

Off soap box now...


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## Allison C (Nov 1, 2012)

Yeah, I agree that he is reassessing all parts of his life. No, neither of us were excommunicated; but he probably would be if the bishop found out that he has been getting other people to leave the church. Yes, he basically feels that we had an arranged marriage. I don't feel like we had an arranged marriage as much as he does because I dated a lot in college while he was on his mission...and I fell in love with him whereas I didn't with any of the other guys I dated... I did feel a lot of pressure from the church to get married though. I think that he is sad that he didn't get a chance to date around. Also, no, he no longer thinks that we are married for forever. I am pretty sure he no longer believes there is a God..where as I do believe there is a God...at least I really hope there is a God. Anyhow, we have both had to refigure out who we are since we left the church.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Allison C said:


> ... he thinks that I am a fine person...however we just don't work together.


This is just my take, but since you asked for opinions ... I assume he was a virgin, or at least had minimal experience dating women, when the two of you married. How old are you and how old is he? He is reassessing his life and it sounds like as part of that, he has decided he wants to get out and date around, meet other women, etc. It sounds like he isn't exactly sure what he wants in a woman, and for some reason you don't "work" together. (Whatever THAT means!) Perhaps he has some compatibility issues which he cannot clarify with himself, let alone with you. 



AllisonC said:


> He is an engineer, and he gets obsessed with projects and can't really focus on much else while is "obsessed" with a project. I have speculated that he gets annoyed with me if I bother him while he is working on a project.


Married to one myself. Years ago, I was told engineers are a bit "different." Now I know what those folks meant. Yeah, obsessive is an understatement ...



AllisonC said:


> Both of our families are worried that we are not going to make it to heaven, and are pressuring us to come back. My family even hates my husband because they believe it is his fault that we left the church. I think they would be happy if we got a divorce.


I think your families should be focusing on the here-and-now instead of the great beyond/hereafter. There are two very young children's lives that will be affected by a marriage breakup. And it doesn't sound like assigning blame as to who left the church should be the number one consideration. Maybe you should suggest your family look at this from a worldly perspective for the time being. Because you are dealing with worldly issues.

Your husband is responsible for child support. Your husband is also responsible for spousal assistance for a prescribed period of time, in order for you to become gainfully employed. Talk to a good family law attorney.

I'm really sorry you are in this predicament, but it sounds as if your husband simply is not willing to be committed to working things out. 

Although he may be a pessimist and questioning his religious upbringing, is he a good father to the children?


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Sounds like he is just bored. Are there any other difficulties other than the 'identity crisis' that he is going through? Is he aggressive, threatening, addicted to porn or such like? 

I think that when someone starts to reassess their life, they rarely do it in isolation. A wholesale assessment takes place of which you will be a part of too sadly. The family pressure will not help at all neither. If anything, he will only see the negative consequences of what they're trying to do not their good intentions. 

I suggest you try finding out from him if he has his mind on anyone else? I don't think that now is a time for niceties. You need to know what/whom you're up against. I suggest you try to get a good measure of what the issues are. 

Is it too out of bounds to perhaps speak with your Bishop? That you're may not be active in the church should not exclude you from getting support for your family. I hope for the best for you and your family.


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## Allison C (Nov 1, 2012)

We got married very young. I was 20 and he was 22, and yes both of us had limited dating experience (especially him). He does love his children, and is a good father to them. I believe this is the only reason he might want to stay (to not hurt them). To answer the question above, he did have an issue with porn about 5/6 months ago. This is why I have been worried that there were problems with how happy he was with his sex life. He swears this is not a problem though (we also went to counseling over that issue, so we have worked through it with a counselor)He also swears that he got into porn because when he left the church all of his values came crumbling down...but he says that he doesn't do it any more. I believe that he is telling the truth, but trust does come back slowly...so I am still weary, and still dealing with some hurt.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

If you live in Utah the alimony laws are 1:1. You'll get alimony for the same length of time you were married. Thus you might be able to go to grad school or get some other very marketable skill (dental assistant, radiology tech, etc).

I would suggest you try some books. "Getting the Love You Want" and the workbook by the same name are excellent. "5 Love Languages" is another outstanding book.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Coming from a religious background and marrying at a very young age, I understand the crisis you are feeling. The best book I got when my wife demanded separation (and was secretly having emotional affairs online and possibly physical affairs...) was Love Must Be Tough. It talks about the things that our spouses do when they are teetering on the edge of flight...and what to do and not to do. Basically, do not cry, beg, plead, persuade, threaten, argue whenever you communicate...things that lower your value in their eyes and increase that sense of relational claustrophobia. Keep everything to business. You have to step back to lower the intensity and not react to the fears that grip you and want to shake him down. He is emotionally compromised...he is ambivilant. And anything you do to crowd him emotionally serves as a justification to pursue his selfishness impulse to chase after whatever greener grass. Read books on codependency.

Porn addiction is another thing (and don't be so quick to take him at his word that he is over it). Porn has the potency of heroin in terms of what happens to an addicts brain chemistry and is a major source of building marital dissatisfaction...and as the lighter fare loses it luster, the addict goes for more graphic stuff to maintain the euphoric punch. My wife was a sex addict who regularly viewed porn, and held online affairs to the point that she just was overall dissatisfied with everything...thinking that unless you feel that big drug like rush in fantasy-laced porn, then it must not be love. It robs you of being able to feel anything...and it takes some time with sobriety and intentional work to recover and start to feel things again.

Take control and power for yourself and the kids...have a plan arranged if he truly decides to go away...and don't make it easy on him if he wants to push and pull you like this...because if he knows that you will always be dutifully standing by regardless of his behavior, then it gives no idea of consequence for his stupidity.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Allison, if you don't mind me asking, why did he leave the church? 

Did he leave first and you follow or visa-versa? 

You said above that when he left the church he felt as if "all his values came crumbling down". It sounds as though this is very important to understand.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Because others have mentioned it, don't be disillusioned about Utah Alimony and Child Support. Do some independent research and speak with a lawyer, if you seriously consider divorce.

- You've been married only 4 years.
- SAHM for 2 years
- Have (presumably) a BA in Music Sciences
- You(so far) haven't posted anything to lead anyone to think your husband is unable or unwilling to care for the 2 children you both share.

So my take would be that there is no reasonable expectation that he couldn't or wouldn't be awarded 50/50 parenting time. There's no reason to assume you are incapable of meaningful work. There's also imputed income. That is to say there's an expectation of you to be able to make a certain level of money and that can be figured out in court and used in calculations.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Allison C said:


> Yeah, I agree that he is reassessing all parts of his life. No, neither of us were excommunicated; but he probably would be if the bishop found out that he has been getting other people to leave the church. Yes, he basically feels that we had an arranged marriage. I don't feel like we had an arranged marriage as much as he does because I dated a lot in college while he was on his mission...and I fell in love with him whereas I didn't with any of the other guys I dated... I did feel a lot of pressure from the church to get married though. I think that he is sad that he didn't get a chance to date around. Also, no, he no longer thinks that we are married for forever. I am pretty sure he no longer believes there is a God..where as I do believe there is a God...at least I really hope there is a God. Anyhow, we have both had to refigure out who we are since we left the church.


Sounds like you are both growing in your journey together. Growth can happen together, and in ways much richer than being out there single trying to find your way. Sounds like you are both questioning your belief systems and other internal frames of reference. It can be scary and difficult, but it's worth the trip if you can come out together at the end. I pray for your good fortune. God's will be done (yes, there is a God!).


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

You mention his profession and the fact he only wants to talk about things he's interested in, do you think he could have something like Asperger's?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gettingout (Jan 15, 2013)

BrockLanders said:


> You mention his profession and the fact he only wants to talk about things he's interested in, do you think he could have something like Asperger's?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yes that. Ask him to read (after you both read it) the Journal of Best Practices by David Finch and see if any of that rings true of either of you.


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## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

Allison C said:


> No, I am no longer Mormon. We left the church together.
> 
> So, I haven't really been able to figure out exactly why he thinks we are not compatible; I can only guess.
> 
> ...


It seems that you both still believe in Christ and Bible?!? I would say that the whole entire religion issue is at the heart of ALL this drama...
You need to first identify the reason you left church. You need to find out about what your new religion would be if not Mormon?
Also I think if he relates marriage as an institution of only belonging to the Mormons or if God (whatever God you have faith in) did in fact come up with marriage. I personally believe in the bible and that God from the bible gave his blessing to man to enter into this state. It was Adam whom originally stated his attentions with Eve and god responds ... "Therefor" ... This term is not used by God often in the bible. If God gave marriage his blessings and God is using marriage as a tool, then it could be said that your husband and you are both tools. Tools to be used to guide your children to see what God can do thru his tools!?!? 

I hope this helps. I believe I was in a similar frame of mind at one time as your husband. I have been a jerk husband, and have since learned to ease up and grow up. Marriage can be a wonderful thing. I tell my wife I do respect that I made vows before God's present. I do not take vows before God lightly. Regardless of whom was in attendance then, or of whom surrounds my current marriage. I think staying for the kids is a good idea if and only if you understand that they need a good working model of a "HEALTHY MARRIAGE"!
Good Luck & I hope your _(not your extended, but your IMMEDIATE)_ family the best of luck in wading threw these murky waters.


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