# Fiance Wont Discuss Finances



## cadchr (May 19, 2011)

My fiance doesn't want to discuss finances. He says he wants to keep separate bank accounts and I think this is because he doesn't make much money. He doesn't tell me how much he makes and he says it has nothing to do with love. I want to marry him but I want him to give his paycheck to me so I can pay bills and make investments. I don't want to get married and have him live with me for free and never have any responsibility. How do I convince him that he should be responsible and give his paycheck to me and allow me to manage what little money he has. He says we should open a third bank account and put money in it for things we want to save for. But, this doesn't resolve the issue of bills, expenses, and investments. He lives with his parents right now and, at some point, will have to be responsible. I'm not sure why he thinks we can get married and he never has to share his income with me. Right now, I live in my own place and pay all my own bills....I don't want to marry him, and have him move in, if he thinks he isn't going to pay any bills. How do I address this sensitive issue and get a financial plan in order that will please both of us? :scratchhead:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You aren't ready to marry this guy. You don't seem to respect him. You even say "at some point he'll have to be responsible", indicating that you don't believe he is. You also believe you are naturally the superior financial manager in this equation and you've arrived at that conclusion without even knowing what he has or earns. You assume it's not much (what little money he has). Money is important to you and that's not a bad thing. Find someone who makes plenty or at least shares your financial ambitions. Some people aren't all that interested in wealth and I don't think you'll be very happy with one of those people. I know it won't be a treat for him to be latched onto a woman who has very little respect for him.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I agree you aren't ready for marriage, but for different reasons. If you cannot have an honest discussion and say to him what you have said here, then you are not ready. You must be able to discuss everything in marriage or misunderstandings will abound. 

It's also clear that being equal partners--to at least the extent that he contributes his share (total the salaries and figure out what percentage each of you contributes, divide bills by that percentage)--is important to you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But when someone like you marries someone who is closed off about this issue, trouble is brewing. You need to flat out tell him that you think he is embarrassed to share his salary with you. And then you need to let him know your expectations for financial responsibilities in marriage. If he cannot meet your expectation--sharing according to percentages, or half of all bills, whatever you value from a partner, then you must decide if you can live like this the rest of your life, b/c he isn't going to change, he may continue to be secretive about money, and you are likely to resent it. Resentment ruins marriages.


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## cadchr (May 19, 2011)

I think you are both accurate in your assessment and I realize how important respect is for men. Perhaps this is a wedding that shouldn't proceed until he and I are both on the same page - and perhaps we will never be compatible financially. you are correct in your assessment that I am very financially ambitious and try to live smart financially. He, on the other hand, may not be so ambitious and this could be a huge issue in our marriage. Thank you so much for your insight! It is truly appreciated!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I agree with sisters and unbelievable--the two of you are not ready to marry. Let's go over your post.



> My fiance doesn't want to discuss finances. He says he wants to keep separate bank accounts and I think this is because he doesn't make much money. He doesn't tell me how much he makes and he says it has nothing to do with love.


If he has said he wants to keep separate banks accounts, then he HAS discusses finances with you, he just has not agreed with your financial demands. He told you what he wants to do financially. He wants to keep his own bank account and you keep your own bank account. Many married couples do exactly this arrangement: ...one bank account for him...one bank account for her...and one bank account for "the bills" and both contribute 50/50 (so he writes a check for half on the 1st and she writes a check for the other half on the 1st...and they pay bills for the rest of the month out of the "bills" account). There is nothing wrong with that arrangement. 



> I want to marry him but I want him to give his paycheck to me so I can pay bills and make investments. I don't want to get married and have him live with me for free and never have any responsibility. How do I convince him that he should be responsible and give his paycheck to me and allow me to manage what little money he has.


Know what I see? "I want...I want...I want..." Does he even get a say in this marriage or did someone appoint you boss? Is this going to be an equitable marriage? Do you see his wishes and preferences and ways of doing things as JUST AS EQUAL as your wishes and preferences and ways? Why don't you marry him and give HIM all of YOUR paycheck so he can pay bills and make investments? He's just as much a partner in this marriage as you are, so give all the control of your finances to him! What? You don't want to? Well he doesn't want to give all of his control to you either!! That's because marriage isn't about one or the other being "the boss" or controlling things, but rather it's about being PARTNERS with someone and working together as a team to make united decisions. Are you ready to make NO financial decisions (even "investments") until he has reviewed them and is in enthusiastic agreement? If not, then you aren't ready to be married. 



> He says we should open a third bank account and put money in it for things we want to save for. But, this doesn't resolve the issue of bills, expenses, and investments. He lives with his parents right now and, at some point, will have to be responsible. I'm not sure why he thinks we can get married and he never has to share his income with me. Right now, I live in my own place and pay all my own bills....I don't want to marry him, and have him move in, if he thinks he isn't going to pay any bills. How do I address this sensitive issue and get a financial plan in order that will please both of us? :scratchhead:


Here's how. First, recognize that his vote weighs JUST AS MUCH as your vote. What he wants is just as valuable to the relationship as what you want. Second, you put off the marriage until he has moved out of his parent's house and lived on his own and proven he can be dependable and responsible. Finally, you move out of your "single place," he moves out of his place "single place," and the two of you find a "married home" and whatever rent is, you both pay half. Whatever utilities are you both pay half. Whatever bills are you both pay half. (or some reasonable arrangement you can both live with such as you pay rent, he pays all bills). 

You can not force him to do it your way. It's just that simple.


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## Chelhxi (Oct 30, 2008)

It has nothing to do with joint or separate bank accounts. Either way, you need to know how much money he makes, if he has debt and if he's willing to pay his fair share, however you decide to do it. 

Would he be willing to give you the amount required for half of your joint expenses? (not his whole paycheque). I agree with the others, don't marry this guy if he won't even disclose what he makes and hasn't lived on his own.


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## vaddict8 (Jun 9, 2011)

I agree with everything above. I'll also add in the fact that maybe he's embarrassed about finances? Really the only problem would be if he has a lot of debt. Maybe you can agree to keep things simple and separate as long as he has a reasonable credit score. Then you can move on and make the best of things... like so many couples have done before in the early years of marriage.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Look, reality check. This is the real world with collection agencies and bankruptcy courts and sheriffs liens. 

FULL FINANCIAL DISCLOSURE prior to marriage. I've already told one of my kids he's to not marry someone else's $100,000 school loan under any god damn circumstance unless it comes attached to a high 5-figure job. Add god knows what credit card debt to that? That's all anyone needs, and just wait for the "we love each other SOOOOO much we're gonna have a babeeeee!"

I think for the first few years a couple is together there should be a legal way to keep their debts separate so that one is not liable for the other. 

"We're young, we're happee! We'll live on love!!!!" **** that.


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## PealedBannana (Jun 9, 2011)

Money is a huge stress on a relationship. You guys need open about how much you make and budgets.

I personally don't feel joint accounts are necessary and would only dposit enough or jointbills or saving for something together. Yes it is our money, but at the same time there is some independance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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