# Need some help



## Bob Jones (May 4, 2020)

I just have this feeling that my wife is cheating. I do not have a lot of evidence and don’t really have anyone I trust that much to talk with. About 6 months ago I had gone out of town. I had came back a night earlier than expected. When I got home she was not there but there was a bag packed on the couch with some clothes, a thong and a fairly sexy nightie set (short black silk shorts and matching top). When she got home I did not ask her about the bag she brought it up and said she was going to go spend the night at her sisters house. I really didn’t believe the explanation, in my opinion she wouldn’t go with that clothes to her sisters house. 

Fast Forward to the present. She works grave yard shift and does quite a bit of overtime (by choice it is not necessary). Just recently she came home after working overtime and immediately washed some clothes. It turned out to be three thongs and the same black nightie. None of these items of clothing were worn around me and this is not typical clothing that she would take to work. The following week she came home again after working overtime and immediately washed her clothes, this time it was her work uniform and another thong. In the amount of years we have been together it is not typical at all for her to ever wear a thong to work or immediately come home and wash her clothes (especially considering it wasn’t what she left in). There are other little red flags, she always hides her phone if I get close to her, if I am around when she is on the phone and it is on speaker she will tell people I am there. To me you would only do that if you didn’t want them to say something my wife did not want me to hear. She has gotten braces to fix her teeth (which were not crooked to begin with), trying to lose weight (which she doesn’t need too), wants to start going to the gym, buying sexier clothes (which isn’t worn around me). She got a fairly expensive gift of a massage from a co-worker and told me that she had bought it herself. I did not question her and she doesn’t know that I saw the card, the card said the persons name who it was from and it said ❤ 3000. Behind the heart it had a few other little things written on it. The other sign is when I am out of town, sometimes she is nearly impossible to get ahold of which doesn’t really mean or prove anything. Although it doesn’t help ease my suspicions.

I am not a jealous person, although all of this has made me a little jealous and most of all has just given me anxiety. I am not sure what to do, how to confront her or if I should even confront her. I do not want to feel like I am crazy, and I do not want to confront her about something I cannot prove. Please give me some advice on what to do.


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Bob Jones said:


> I just have this feeling that my wife is cheating. I do not have a lot of evidence and don’t really have anyone I trust that much to talk with. About 6 months ago I had gone out of town. I had came back a night earlier than expected. When I got home she was not there but there was a bag packed on the couch with some clothes, a thong and a fairly sexy nightie set (short black silk shorts and matching top). When she got home I did not ask her about the bag she brought it up and said she was going to go spend the night at her sisters house. I really didn’t believe the explanation, in my opinion she wouldn’t go with that clothes to her sisters house.
> 
> Fast Forward to the present. She works grave yard shift and does quite a bit of overtime (by choice it is not necessary). Just recently she came home after working overtime and immediately washed some clothes. It turned out to be three thongs and the same black nightie. None of these items of clothing were worn around me and this is not typical clothing that she would take to work. The following week she came home again after working overtime and immediately washed her clothes, this time it was her work uniform and another thong. In the amount of years we have been together it is not typical at all for her to ever wear a thong to work or immediately come home and wash her clothes (especially considering it wasn’t what she left in). There are other little red flags, she always hides her phone if I get close to her, if I am around when she is on the phone and it is on speaker she will tell people I am there. To me you would only do that if you didn’t want them to say something my wife did not want me to hear. She has gotten braces to fix her teeth (which were not crooked to begin with), trying to lose weight (which she doesn’t need too), wants to start going to the gym, buying sexier clothes (which isn’t worn around me). She got a fairly expensive gift of a massage from a co-worker and told me that she had bought it herself. I did not question her and she doesn’t know that I saw the card, the card said the persons name who it was from and it said ❤ 3000. Behind the heart it had a few other little things written on it. The other sign is when I am out of town, sometimes she is nearly impossible to get ahold of which doesn’t really mean or prove anything. Although it doesn’t help ease my suspicions.
> 
> I am not a jealous person, although all of this has made me a little jealous and most of all has just given me anxiety. I am not sure what to do, how to confront her or if I should even confront her. I do not want to feel like I am crazy, and I do not want to confront her about something I cannot prove. Please give me some advice on what to do.


Hi there. 
I think your suspicions that she is having an affair are correct. I’m sorry this is happening to you. It is up to you on how you want to proceed. I don’t know what your relationship is like with her, but seeing that it’s a really possibility that she betraying you is a hard pill to swallow. If you want to fight for your own self-worth and integrity, I would sit back and wait for the right opportunity to expose the lies and deceit she has imposed on you. That way once it’s out in the open, she will have no other choice but to face a new reality. An affair is nothing but an illusion that a person get themselves caught up in and it is based on lies and deceit. Sad....that she has chosen to go outside of your marriage for what she might think will make her happy. Instead of having some level of honesty and vulnerability with you. People make all kinds of choices everyday, and ultimately we are all responsible for their consequences....good or bad. The outcome is always negative. Again my heart goes out to you in this trying time. Maintain your own integrity and please don’t allow her actions dictate your actions and cause you to do something that is wrong for you. Stick to your own moral code and the man you are and want to be. Focus on yourself. Be it on a mental, physical, emotional and spiritual level. Peace and prayers to you.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

How long married?
Any kids?

I'm sorry you're here. I agree your wife's behavior is very (over the top) suspicious.

People have all sort of personal issues/problems & unmet perssonal needs in and outside of marriage - but it appears your wife choose (among other options) to cheat. 

And her decision to cheat vs another option is 100% her responsibility. Understand that there is nothing you could have said or done to prevent her from deciding to cheat. There's something broken inside her.

Do not cry or beg in front of her. In the fog of an affair, it will be viewed as pathetic and weak and a free pass to continue the affair. In her current foggy mindset, she will only respect firm decisive zero tolerance for each of her suspicious behaviors.

There is absolutely no way for a spouse to compete with the excitement & high of an affair. An affair is fantasy vs the day to day grind of work & marriage. 

When you confront, in order for you to have any chance of being taken seriously, she must believe (bluff if you have to) that you are ready to divorce rather than tolerate her continued behavior - and at the same time insist that she turn over her phone. 

Inform her that failure to turn over the phone (on the spot) is an admission that she is cheating - and you will proceed with a divorce (no second chances).

When she argues that she has a right to privacy, respond: People with nothing to hide - hide nothing; and every spouse has an obligation to make their spouse feel safe from infidelity by avoiding suspicious/secretive behavior. Her behavior is a big fail and has destroyed your trust in her. 

If she wants to save her marriage and restore trust she must do what you need (including handing over the phone on the spot).


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Get a hold of her phone. Run a recovery program on it (Dr. Fone is one.) Document all texts and secure them. If she has access to a computer in the house, do the same. Search all social media and apps. Document.
Take a "Trip" and either hire a PI or be your own PI and follow her. Secure a different vehicle if you do this. You also may want to consider "Security" for your house for video/sound that can be accessed remotely.
Use VAR's as necessary. One on you at all times, one in her car and another in areas where she may talk on her phone.
I would also consider a GPS for her car as well. See what you have.
Secure your money and resources. Find a good attorney. Have paperwork drawn up.
If she is cheating, have her served. Let everyone know. Blow up her world.
See what you have then. If you're wise, pack her up and send her to loverboy.
Let your attorney clean it up and ghost her.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

95% chance she is having an affair:

1. Hiding/guarding phone
2. Change in behavior
2a. Washing clothes immediately after work
2b. Thongs for work and sister
2c. Emphasis on appearance-teeth, weight, exercise
3. Lying about work-gift from coworker, she says she bought it (she is unaware that you know)
4. Coworker is giving gifts with heart symbols in card with gift
5. A lot of voluntary "overtime"

OK, maybe 97-98% she is havng an affair.

Hire a private investigator. Since she does this regularly, it won't take more than a week, probably the PI will catch her the first day. It's a cost, but it is cheap compared to all of the other big-item costs of the affair.

You can go to closing time at her work, sit nearby, and see what happens, i.e., you be the private investigator. Again, she does it so often, you probably catch her first day. Or you can go to the suspected co-worker's residence and see if your wife turns up during "overtime."

You are not comfortable asking her directly, or confronting on her lie. You want evidence you can "prove" before confronting or asking.

Probably illegal, but even so, rarely prosecuted if caught, typically cheaters do a lot of their voice calls inside their cars. You can put a voice-activated recorder in the car. You probably would catch her the first day you do it when she goes to work, no more than a week.

You can put a GPS in the trunk of her car to see where she goes during "overtime."

Look at records, bank statements, credit card statements, phone logs.

You only started getting really suspicious, so now that you are at heightened awareness, very likely you will catch her even if you do nothing special. Cheaters are not evil geniuses, they are usually very confused and they make mistakes. The reason betrayed spouses don't catch them sooner is that the betrayed trust the cheater and doesn't even consider cheating, or just have a passing thought and forget about it. When my wife was cheating I remember vividly thinking, "If I didn't know any better (that my wife would never cheat), I would think my wife is cheating." I never did get really suspicious like you, but my wife screwed up anyway and that's how I caught her.

There are other things you can do, but the ones above are solid. The private investigator is the easiest, but the drawback is it shows up on a bill and your wife may be handling the family finances.

Also you gave a lot of reasons you think she is cheating, but I am assuming you left a couple out, too, namely changes in her attitude toward you, lack of affection, sex, being cold to you - one or or more of those. The top sign of cheating is hiding and guarding the phone, second top sign is the cold behavior. Very typical is for the cheating wife telling the betrayed husband "I love you but I am not 'in love' with you" anymore. It's called ILYBINILWY.

You could ask her, "Is everything OK with us? You seem preoccupied. You still love me, right?" That might prompt her to give you the ILYBINILWY. That's not proof like you want though.

When you say "proof," very very rare that the betrayed spouse gets a picture of her having sex with another person. You might get a conversation saying so, or a picture of her kissing a guy outside his residence, but cheaters are pretty bold and say, "yeah, I said that to him, that we had sex, but we always joke like that" or "yeah I kissed him but never had sex, his mom died and I gave him a hug, he's a friend and that's why I went to his residence, I lied to you because you are so controlling I just knew you would take it the wrong way."


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I agree that a good PI will get the info you need fairly quickly. She is definitely having an affair and it is physical. All the signs point to that. I understand that you are having a hard time accepting it without definite proof. Sadly most mean are like that. They have a hard time accepting that their wife would do that until they have undeniable proof.

What kind of phone does she have? Can you track it? If so that will save some money and let you know where she is going with her thongs.

PI is your best bet. This trip to sister is a good opportunity. I hate to say it but it looks like her sister is supporting and covering for her in her affair.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Oh sure, Bob Jones. If what you describe is true, chances are (maybe around 98%) she's cheating.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

If I were to write a paragraph for a rhetoric class that instructed us to, "Write something that includes all the tell-tale signs your wife is probably cheating." it would look a lot like what you wrote. 

She's not even trying to hide it very well, Bro.

Sorry this is happening to you.


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## JayAlan (May 2, 2020)

Not sure what state you are in, In NY you can record another person without their knowledge but you have to be the other party, otherwise it is illegal. Be careful with that and the GPS device, you may get yourself into legal trouble. You may say to yourself 'it's okay, no one will know or I won't tell them how I know" Believe me, if you get 'the dirt' you will find it hard to contain yourself from blabbing.

If you really need confirmation hire a PI, pay cash.

Start securing copies of your bank accounts, etc.

Look up the best divorce attorneys where you live, make an appointment for a consultation with ALL of them, give each plenty of information more than they ask. Pick the one you like the most. Once you've seen them, they cannot represent your wife.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

All her overtime is done in the boyfriend's bed or at a motel. If she is paid hourly, you should see a corresponding increase in pay. Can you check that?
Your gut feeling is usually right. Follow your gut.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Bob Jones said:


> I do not want to feel like I am crazy, and I do not want to confront her about something I cannot prove.


You're not crazy. And, you don't need any "proof". What you need is:

*THE 180*

And, follow the advice about seeing a lawyer. You don't have to initiate any legal action, just get the lawyer's advice. Ask all the "what if" questions.

I'm so glad that's what I did. I was different than you, I discovered one of her affairs. I had "proof"..... but my lawyer told me that "proof" didn't mean jack. I would wind up a weekend father to my two boys, while giving her housing, food, and medical coverage to support her ride on the **** carousel in front of my boys all week.

If I had come to this website during that time, I would have been told that I was a "coward", I was "weak", and "unattractive" to my wife because I didn't demand respect. However, this would have had the same effect on me as someone calling me a murderer. I know in my own heart and mind, that I am not a murderer, so being called one would bounce off me like water off a duck. I made my decision to stay there because my boys needed to see at least one parent who had a moral compass.

I did the 180. Long before it was called "the 180".


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Gabriel said:


> She's not even trying to hide it very well, Bro.


You are so right.

And it's because she doesn't *RESPECT* him. I did my best to drive that point home in my post.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

At this point, your wife is thinking either she is the most brilliant cheater on the planet or you are the most stupid husband on the planet.

Congratulations on behaving as though you have totally checked out of the marriage.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> it's because she doesn't *RESPECT* him.


Yes. That's quite true. However, it is a character deficiency IN HER that is the problem. She also doesn't respect her AP, nor does she respect God. 

She is attracted to her affair partner out of her lust, because he/she will entertain it and feed it, not because she respects him/her.

If she doesn't respect God, she most certainly is not going to respect her husband.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just wanted to say after what you wrote, it’s not 98 or 99% chance, there’s absolute metaphysical certitude she is cheating.

yiure not wondering, you already know it.
The only real question is What are you going to do about it.. 

The answer is all on you, but I would advise a visit to an attorney to see how bad you’ll get screwed financially.

As stated, your wife isn’t even hiding it.
The facts you’ve stated. Textbook cheater script.

Do NOT try to confront your wife.
Do NOT try cry or plead.
Do NOT give her any indication you are upset until you have an escape plan in place from this “marriage”.

I know it hurts, but the pain will last longer if you leave the anvil (infidelity) that is currently flattening your toe, where it is currently.

very sorry.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If it were me I’d go into total PI mode. Whatever it takes. If you drag this out, etc. You’ll just spend more time in limbo. You are the only one that can keep yourself there.

i guarantee her paychecks won’t show OT.

Check her phone bill, 
get a voice activated recorder for her car,
Hire a PI.

just get it done. You’ll be glad you did.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

TJW said:


> You're not crazy. And, you don't need any "proof". What you need is:
> 
> *THE 180*
> 
> ...


Yes, all this is true. You weigh your options and you pick the one that has the most to offer you. You aren't divorcing your spouse, you are divorcing your spouse and your kids and your dog and your house and your vacations and your retirement ..... if you don't have any of those things than it can feel powerful to about face and leave. But if you have a well developed life than you need to address any anxiety, get proof, call them out, not too publicly if you think you might want to work it out even temporarily, but you can definitely call them out to the OP's spouse and family and certainly to anyone you think will make her feel uncomfortable knowing that they know. And then you can do the 180. And you will get your power back. And then you can move on. In which ever direction you like.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

Even if she is at work doing overtime, it's probably because he is there doing over time with her and at this point will love doing anything that allows her to be in the same room with him.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

What does she have to do, **** the guy you in front of you?

Your wife is ****ing her coworker.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Folks, don't attack fellow members with insults to their manhood, womanhood or their car hood. It's not clever and it's not smart, no matter what you think, it's rarely helpful and it just might drive a hurting soul away.

Speaking as a moderator.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Hey brother; not sounding too good here. I like the phone download but if she is guarding it then, she won’t give it up without a factory reset. VAR from now on, not for court, but to safeguard yourself. GPS tracker in the boot of the car also good. But if it is a co-worker then she won’t need to leave the car park.
PI good but will cost some: but the peace of mind is the benefit. If your wife is doing a lot of overtime then her pay slip should reflect the extra time, look at your on line banking, as well as phone records.
From now hard 180 and get tested for STDs and STIs, seek legal advice for your locality. If you want to do a drive by her work near normal knock off time, do that but don’t be seen. If she goes some where else with someone, don’t confront: wait until she enters the abode and leave a post it note on the door and the car with ’We need to talk about this’. Or when confronting you could place all of the sexy clothing out for her to address and state that it is being used but not for you. It has been going on for a long time. I didn’t see if you have children. You will be gaslighted, blamed, and even the marriage will be re written to justify her actions. If it is a co worker inform HR, there are legal ramifications for harassment, specifically if he or her are in a supervisor roll.
Nothing puts a A in place more than when exposed to family and friends, you don’t need her permission for this. Also if there is a OM, tell that person’s spouse what is going on and to get tested. You again don’t need permission, Wife May say it isn’t your right to interfere with another person’s relationship but she has been. 
Wife will protect the OM, she has most likely been physical with that person for over six months but the emotional cheating has been going on for over a year. 
From what you have said it isn’t beer and party poppers it’s not good.
Exercise, drink water, eat healthy. No booze or recreational drugs. There is no rush to make any long term decisions your emotions will be on a roller coaster. 
One day at a time
Buffer


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