# Am I being a Prude?



## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

Sometime ago in my marriage, H and I stayed at a motel when visiting my sister. H loves to spend a lot of time sitting outside with his phone. So sometimes I do sit outside with him, only if he wants me to though. Well we were outside and there was a couple in the room next to ours. They were being intimate and you could hear them, well I did not feel comfortable sitting outside and hearing them go at it, so I suggested to my H that we should go back inside our room because of it.

H said that why should he go back inside, because hearing people having sex is nothing new and as a matter of fact he's used to all that and it doesn't bother him to sit outside and hear them having sex. He said that I could just go in by myself because anyway I act like a prude and that I need to get over it. Well I went back inside but was quite hurt that he seemed to enjoy hearing the woman having sex.

What also bothers me that whenever he hears things like that, he waits to see who the couple is and then speaks to the man and tells him that he heard them having sex and starts to tell the guy that it's alright and laughs it off.

Is this normal for a married man to do? Or is he right that I am being a prude and I just need to get over it.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Do you feel you're being a prude? 

maybe the focus should be on why your H loves to spend a lot of time sitting outside with his phone. Also,why would there ever be times when he doesn't want you to sit outside with him?? What's he looking at? Why doesn't he spend some of that time being social with you? Do you try to engage him in conversation while you're outside? 

I think it's a little creepy that he waits to see the couple then mentions it to the man like that. I'd feel really weird if my husband did that.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Do you feel you're being a prude?
> 
> maybe the focus should be on why your H loves to spend a lot of time sitting outside with his phone. Also,why would there ever be times when he doesn't want you to sit outside with him?? What's he looking at? Why doesn't he spend some of that time being social with you? Do you try to engage him in conversation while you're outside?
> 
> I think it's a little creepy that he waits to see the couple then mentions it to the man like that. I'd feel really weird if my husband did that.


Oh believe me I do question him about being on his phone for hours on end. He says that he enjoys reading and playing games, but I can't believe that a fifty something year old married man just reads and play games. We have bad arguments over this and still to this day he does nothing but go on the cell phone after he gets of work.

I see that sometimes when I go outside to join him and just talk to him, I can clearly see that he is annoyed that I am joining him. Also when I try and have a conversation with him. He makes me feel that I am bothering him that he often snaps at me or rolls his eyes at me.

I always try and engage him in a conversation with me, but he shows that he is disinterested in it or simply waits for me to finish and just says "oh" then he resumes whatever he was doing on the phone.

I even told him that it is not normal for him to be sitting around within earshot of others getting intimate. He tells me I'm ridiculous and that it is a way of life here in the USA and I need to get used to it.

He also feels that married people do not have conversations with each other everyday.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I wouldnt go inside, but I would never approach the husband about his session. To some you may be a prude to others you may be a lady. Its what you think that matters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

IDK, that just seems creepy odd to me. I’m about the age of your husband and can only think of hearing such activities a handful of times in my life – and I travel quite a bit. It may be time to upgrade your choices in motels. I’d recommend avoiding places with catchy names like the “No-Tell Motel” or establishments that advertise hourly rates.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

lotgirl said:


> Oh believe me I do question him about being on his phone for hours on end. He says that he enjoys reading and playing games, but I can't believe that a fifty something year old married man just reads and play games. We have bad arguments over this and still to this day he does nothing but go on the cell phone after he gets of work.
> 
> I see that sometimes when I go outside to join him and just talk to him, I can clearly see that he is annoyed that I am joining him. Also when I try and have a conversation with him. He makes me feel that I am bothering him that he often snaps at me or rolls his eyes at me.
> 
> ...


Where are you from originally?

It really isn't common practice for folks to just sit around and listen to others having sex. I feel like most people would find it amusing for a while then they'd put in ear-buds and listen to music or they'd go inside. It does not seem common for someone to point out to the people having sex that they were overheard. 

How is the rest of your marriage aside from the cell issue? What does your sex life look like?


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I would find it weird if a stranger came up to me to high five me because he heard us having sex. We're not in junior high anymore. Sex is a pretty normal occurrence for most people.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I also find him bringing it up to the man in the couple to be very strange. I can understand perhaps not allowing what your neighbours are doing to dictate where you sit but it sounds like it goes way beyond that for your husband.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think the question of whether you're a prude or not should be well down on your priority list of questions. The fact that your husband prefers to spend his time away from you and on his phone would rank much higher. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Where are you from originally?
> 
> It really isn't common practice for folks to just sit around and listen to others having sex. I feel like most people would find it amusing for a while then they'd put in ear-buds and listen to music or they'd go inside. It does not seem common for someone to point out to the people having sex that they were overheard.
> 
> How is the rest of your marriage aside from the cell issue? What does your sex life look like?


Well the problems started being spending so much time on the phone every single day and it's worse when he is unemployed, their are times when nothing is said to me, except when he needs something or wants to go some where. Now we have more problems than ever marriage wise, but he truly believes that everything is all good. As for our sex life it is pretty much nonexistent.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Why is it nonexistent? Do you try to initiate sex or intimacy or do you usually just leave it up to him? If he initiates,do you accept or decline? 

Have you ever looked at what's on his phone?


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Why is it nonexistent? Do you try to initiate sex or intimacy or do you usually just leave it up to him? If he initiates,do you accept or decline?
> 
> Have you ever looked at what's on his phone?


I don't decline him and do my share of initiating, but one day he just stopped and always said that he's so tired, or is just stressed out from work. Yes I have found things on his phone that a married man should not have or be doing.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

lotgirl said:


> I don't decline him and do my share of initiating, but one day he just stopped and always said that he's so tired, or is just stressed out from work. Yes I have found things on his phone that a married man should not have or be doing.


I'm sorry you found things Did you confront him?


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I also find him bringing it up to the man in the couple to be very strange. I can understand perhaps not allowing what your neighbours are doing to dictate where you sit but it sounds like it goes way beyond that for your husband.


That's what think too, but when I try and talk to him about it he just gets so mad and says I'm controlling.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I do not think you're a prude; personally it wouldn't bother me to overhear them, but I really wouldn't WANT to listen to other people having sex so I would have probably gone inside too.

As others have mentioned, I also think it's pretty weird and creepy that he would then SAY something to the people about hearing them. That is really not normal (unless perhaps it was his best bud and he was making a good-natured joke about it). I mean, he's talking about something very personal with a complete stranger; strange indeed.

Your bigger problem is the "inappropriate" things on his phone, and what he's doing for hours and hours on his phone. :scratchhead:


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

PBear said:


> I think the question of whether you're a prude or not should be well down on your priority list of questions. The fact that your husband prefers to spend his time away from you and on his phone would rank much higher.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I know that and I always try and talk to him about it, but he gets mad and feels that I am being jealous, too sensitive, and just plain controlling and crazy as well. He says it's a mans thing and toy, and there s nothing wrong with it.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I'm sorry you found things Did you confront him?


Yes I did, he cried for less than a minute and said that he doesn't know how chat stuff got installed on the phone. I even found txt from another woman and he says that it's his friends cousin is crazy and trying to make trouble for him.

But if course I told him I'm not stupid, and told him to pack his things and walk to find a place for himself, of course he did not and begged me to stay.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You're not a prude...don't let him make you feel that way. He's wrong, not you.

Also the phone thing...pretty neglectful on his part. He's taking you for granted and it's wrong.

And speaking to the husband about hearing them have sex is high on my creepodometer. Careful.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And then you let him stay, thereby condoning his behavior and telling him it's fine. 

If you want to change things, you need to establish your boundaries and enforce them. Otherwise, this is the way your life will continue. He has no reason to change his behavior. It's up to you to decide what's acceptable to you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

sinnister said:


> You're not a prude...don't let him make you feel that way. He's wrong, not you.
> 
> Also the phone thing...pretty neglectful on his part. He's taking you for granted and it's wrong.
> 
> And speaking to the husband about hearing them have sex is high on my creepodometer. Careful.


Thank you so much sinister, everything you just said is what I always felt and thought but somehow he says that I am to much of a prude and need to get on with the program.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Oh Darlin' I see so many issues in your posts.. allow me to elaborate...

First and foremost I am so sorry you have been reduced to this.

You are being used. Flat out used. I hear no engagement other than when he needs you to take him somewhere. Otherwise, you are 100% shut out of his personal life. At this point in time his personal life doesn't include you. Does this resonate? He isn't even throwing you breadcrumbs of attention. He just expects you to accept the environment as is and have no reaction to it and when you do, you are belittled for it. 

If your reaction is reasonable... it is not you Darlin who is being controlling. That is healthy accountability. HE is controlling you because he refuses to be held accountable for his behavior which is as follows:

1. Ignores you
2. Inappropriate things on his phone
3. Belittling you when you are being reasonable with accountability, some would call this gaslighting (emotional abuse)
4. ONLY engages you when he wants to use your services
5. Denying you sexual intimacy
6. rewriting your reality so that he keeps control "married people don't talk"

utter bull hockey Darlin' 

I would 180 him quick... can someone share the link here for her... learn very clear boundaries which will mean defining his behaviors so that facilitating boundaries is easier. This apathy for you and your marriage is unacceptable and YOU do NOT have to accept that malarky. Consider me your #1 cheerleader to ask for better. 

And NO you are not a prude... that was just his way of controlling you because he was getting a thrill off of it.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Wanting your husband to stop being creepy is not prudish behavior.
Wanting your husband to put down the cell phone and stop doing inappropriate things is not prudish behavior. 

He's using hurtful words and manipulation tactics to take the attention off the fact that he's doing very shady things behind your back.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

lotgirl said:


> Yes I know that and I always try and talk to him about it, but he gets mad and feels that I am being jealous, too sensitive, and just plain controlling and crazy as well. He says it's a mans thing and toy, and there s nothing wrong with it.


Totall Bull... 

He is behaving like an adolescent... 

who pays for the phone?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Wanting your husband to stop being creepy is not prudish behavior.
> Wanting your husband to put down the cell phone and stop doing inappropriate things is not prudish behavior.
> 
> He's using hurtful words and manipulation tactics to take the attention off the fact that he's doing very shady things behind your back.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Also,the fact that he keeps acting like that's just how it works in the US is sickening. Just because you aren't from the US doesn't mean you're a moron who can't tell what's manipulation and what's a cultural difference.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

PBear said:


> And then you let him stay, thereby condoning his behavior and telling him it's fine.
> 
> If you want to change things, you need to establish your boundaries and enforce them. Otherwise, this is the way your life will continue. He has no reason to change his behavior. It's up to you to decide what's acceptable to you.
> 
> ...


I see what you're saying and you are right about it. I guess for me I always feel that there is hope. I am most likely going to leave him in a months time, but as far as coming back to him, I don't think I will. There has been to much said and done that I feel so broken, and beat down.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Scarlet and Blossom are dead on. It's amusing to hear someone but then becomes uncomfortable and I'd either move or turn on some music to drown them out. And it's very embarrassing and rude to confront someone about it, using humor as an excuse that it's OK? It's not. Yes, they were loud, but listening and commenting is invasive.

Admittedly this is a bit of a trigger for me as ex and I lived in apartments and my ex would stand on the railing of the patio to put his head right about the floor level of their deck allowing him to see right into the master bedroom where the bed was in front of the sliding glass door. I was annoyed he would stand there and watch and found it creepy - he said I was a prude and that if they had their blinds open he was going to watch. I'd argue that they were on the second floor with a deck that backed up to woods - they didn't think that anyone could see in and we should respect their privacy. I was embarrassed and felt a little humiliated that he found this OK and completely discounted my opinion.

He's rude and indifferent to you. I'd end this sooner vs. later. I don't have a link to the 180 but bottom line you act as if he's not there. Do not initiate intimacy, don't try to engage him in conversation, just ignore him and go about your life. Either he'll notice your absence and try to get you to come around or he won't and you'll have detached enough to move on.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Totall Bull...
> 
> He is behaving like an adolescent...
> 
> who pays for the phone?


He does.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Also,the fact that he keeps acting like that's just how it works in the US is sickening. Just because you aren't from the US doesn't mean you're a moron who can't tell what's manipulation and what's a cultural difference.


Yes I tell him that just because I'm of a different culture or have an accent, it doesn't mean I don't know or understand anything. I do I am a woman who is educated and I do know a thing or two when it comes to relationships. I am not a twenty something and I'm mature enough to know when I'm being BSed. He just says I have a lot to learn about the culture here and I need to grow, he also says that it would be embarrassing if other American women found out that I was questioning him about, that they would find me immature and say why he does is non of my business.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Oh Darlin' I see so many issues in your posts.. allow me to elaborate...
> 
> First and foremost I am so sorry you have been reduced to this.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much, I'm so glad to know that I'm not crazy.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

lotgirl said:


> Yes I tell him that just because I'm of a different culture or have an accent, it doesn't mean I don't know or understand anything. I do I am a woman who is educated and I do know a thing or two when it comes to relationships. I am not a twenty something and I'm mature enough to know when I'm being BSed. He just says I have a lot to learn about the culture here and I need to grow, he also says that it would be embarrassing if other American women found out that I was questioning him about, that they would find me immature and say why he does is non of my business.



Retort and say... and you have a lot to learn about me and walk out... I just really don't know if he is worth salvaging, but detach to move on is absolutely the answer and IF IF IF he miraculously makes a serious change THEN consider staying otherwise it sounds like you can cut this one loose. Glad you are savvy and if you just needed a cheering section to move on to healthier pastures, you just found it here at TAM. :smthumbup:


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Scarlet and Blossom are dead on. It's amusing to hear someone but then becomes uncomfortable and I'd either move or turn on some music to drown them out. And it's very embarrassing and rude to confront someone about it, using humor as an excuse that it's OK? It's not. Yes, they were loud, but listening and commenting is invasive.
> 
> Admittedly this is a bit of a trigger for me as ex and I lived in apartments and my ex would stand on the railing of the patio to put his head right about the floor level of their deck allowing him to see right into the master bedroom where the bed was in front of the sliding glass door. I was annoyed he would stand there and watch and found it creepy - he said I was a prude and that if they had their blinds open he was going to watch. I'd argue that they were on the second floor with a deck that backed up to woods - they didn't think that anyone could see in and we should respect their privacy. I was embarrassed and felt a little humiliated that he found this OK and completely discounted my opinion.
> 
> He's rude and indifferent to you. I'd end this sooner vs. later. I don't have a link to the 180 but bottom line you act as if he's not there. Do not initiate intimacy, don't try to engage him in conversation, just ignore him and go about your life. Either he'll notice your absence and try to get you to come around or he won't and you'll have detached enough to move on.


Thank you, that is exactly what I'm trying to do. "Ignore him" I just can't win at all with him.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

lotgirl said:


> He just says I have a lot to learn about the culture here and I need to grow, he also says that it would be embarrassing if other American women found out that I was questioning him about, that they would find me immature and say why he does is non of my business.


Ah yes,he wants to keep you from getting the viewpoints of ladies from the US bc he KNOWS that you'd get told the exact things we're telling you here.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Ah yes,he wants to keep you from getting the viewpoints of ladies from the US bc he KNOWS that you'd get told the exact things we're telling you here.


Yup, that's what thought. I've never been anyone like him and I just wonder what the heck did I ever see in him.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Divorce asap.

By the way, his listening or watching is not so bad, so long as he isn't creepy about it. If he laughs or jokes about it, then it's not so bad. But if he shushes you and tells you to keep your voice down so he can here then he is inappropriate.

Do you think he can pull himself together after the lesson of divorce? Anyway, not your problem.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

lotgirl said:


> I see what you're saying and you are right about it. I guess for me I always feel that there is hope. *I am most likely going to leave him in a months time, but as far as coming back to him, I don't think I will. * There has been to much said and done that I feel so broken, and beat down.


GOOD! Because not only is he a boorish pig, but he is cheating on you as well.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

> What also bothers me that whenever he hears things like that, he waits to see who the couple is and then speaks to the man and tells him that he heard them having sex and starts to tell the guy that it's alright and laughs it off.


You know, someday one of these guys is not going to think this is funny and he's going to punch your husband's lights out.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I don't believe that you're being a prude, but I do find your H's behaviour rather creepy - almost voyeuristic. Particularly his apparent need to tell the couple that he's heard them... That's also rather bad mannered, IMO.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Let me see whats going on here.

Your sex life is non existant because of him.

He likes to listen to other people having sex and then congratualting the man when he sees him (so he does like sex).

He is secretive about his phone, always outside and is annoyed if you go near him while he is on it.

You have already found innapropriate content on his phone and text messages of innapropriate context from another woman.

He is shifting all the blame on you, calling you a prude, controlling and telling you that all American guys do this (gaslighting).

I say he is having some sort of an affair. Do some reading in the Coping With Infidelity section this is right out of the cheaters handbook.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Oh and it is very creepy that he would even talk to people he doesn't know about hearing them.

Just how often do you two find yourselves in a position to be able to hear people having sex. I would think it pretty rare. Just what are the circumstances that put you in this position. Is he arranging these places and the timing? Something just doesn't smell right here!


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> You know, someday one of these guys is not going to think this is funny and he's going to punch your husband's lights out.


Yup, you're right. If it ever happens, he deserves it.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

Cosmos said:


> I don't believe that you're being a prude, but I do find your H's behaviour rather creepy - almost voyeuristic. Particularly his apparent need to tell the couple that he's heard them... That's also rather bad mannered, IMO.


Yes his behavior is appalling to me, I have never had a man like him, I feel sick to my stomach when I look at him.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

Always Learning said:


> Let me see whats going on here.
> 
> Your sex life is non existant because of him.
> 
> ...


I know he's not having a physical affair, but an emotional one I suspect that he's having. As far as I'm concerned that's pretty much the same as cheating on your spouse. I swear I'm just so sick and tired of him telling me that Americans don't see anything wrong with what he's doing. Every time he tells me that, I just say in response to him, then wow they must not have morals at all. I don't know if he even realizes that he makes Americans sound bad to someone like me.

But of course I do have common sense and do not believe that all Americans are like that. There are times when I just feel like letting my fist meet his mouth, but then again I'm better than that, so I just walk away go somewhere to cool off.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Sorry to hear about your situation. I'm a guy and can do immature things sometimes but what he's doing is a little weird. Sounds like he gets off on it or something. If I overheard it I might chuckle and go inside but I would never approach a stranger like that. As the others said, that's just too childish and creepy.

Good luck.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

Always Learning said:


> Oh and it is very creepy that he would even talk to people he doesn't know about hearing them.
> 
> Just how often do you two find yourselves in a position to be able to hear people having sex. I would think it pretty rare. Just what are the circumstances that put you in this position. Is he arranging these places and the timing? Something just doesn't smell right here!


Yes creepy indeed.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

BeachGuy said:


> Sorry to hear about your situation. I'm a guy and can do immature things sometimes but what he's doing is a little weird. Sounds like he gets off on it or something. If I overheard it I might chuckle and go inside but I would never approach a stranger like that. As the others said, that's just too childish and creepy.
> 
> Good luck.


Thank you, and yes he is very childish and pretty much a pervert in my opinion. His childish ways is really getting on my last nerve. He is also very childish in other areas of our marriage. I guess that is why his past relationships did not work out, but then again according to him it was always the womans fault, he never did anything wrong.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

lotgirl said:


> Sometime ago in my marriage, H and I stayed at a motel when visiting my sister. H loves to spend a lot of time sitting outside with his phone. So sometimes I do sit outside with him, only if he wants me to though. Well we were outside and there was a couple in the room next to ours. They were being intimate and you could hear them, well I did not feel comfortable sitting outside and hearing them go at it, so I suggested to my H that we should go back inside our room because of it.
> 
> H said that why should he go back inside, because hearing people having sex is nothing new and as a matter of fact he's used to all that and it doesn't bother him to sit outside and hear them having sex. He said that I could just go in by myself because anyway I act like a prude and that I need to get over it. Well I went back inside but was quite hurt that he seemed to enjoy hearing the woman having sex.
> 
> ...



Heh heh. You sound like my wifee. She is the same way.

But I am the one who also would and has listened to others having sex.

You're only young once. Next time he hears a couple having sex, initiate sex with him and do something wild and adventurous, spicing it up and having some real fun.:smthumbup:

All that aside, I would start checking out his cell, history on the computer(s) and see if he is having an an kind of an affair. I hope its nothing.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> Heh heh. You sound like my wifee. She is the same way.
> 
> But I am the one who also would and has listened to others having sex.
> 
> ...


In 2010 I did have my suspicions that he was doing something on his phone that a married man should not be doing. I have found texts from another woman. I actually talked to this other woman and she did admit that they were texting each other, she also said that it was through a phone chat that they met on. He told her that I was not paying attention to him and that I did not love him. But that is not true I always wanted to spend some time with him and do things together, but he feels that since he works he should be able to do whatever he wants and not have anyone bother him. 

He says he needs to relax, well I let him have his space. He wanted a whole lot of it. I also have found a photo of another womans breast on the phone, I also found photos of his penis and ass that he took of himself. He says it's not him, but it is. He says someone sent the photos to him thinking he was someone else. Well he kept those photos for a long while. If they were sent to any man by mistake, I would think that a man would get rid of it asap. I have also found email addresses of several women, so my guess is his sending other women photos of his penis and ass. I have also found him on dating and porn sites with his photo on his profile, he swears that it is not him or that someone is setting him up.. 

I have also found that he has downloaded chat sites to his phone, but he says he never did.

I am in the process of talking to a lawyer and he can have his pathetic porn and dating sites. I'll soon be walking out his door and slamming it dead in his pathetic looking face.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Certainly sounds like he's cheating on you to me. Whether it's physical or not I have no way of knowing however I don't really think it matters at this point. According to him he's so exhausted from work he needs some down time then chats up other women, ignoring you. Then he has nothing left for you. He's prioritizing these other women over you. In my mind that's cheating.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Certainly sounds like he's cheating on you to me. Whether it's physical or not I have no way of knowing however I don't really think it matters at this point. According to him he's so exhausted from work he needs some down time then chats up other women, ignoring you. Then he has nothing left for you. He's prioritizing these other women over you. In my mind that's cheating.


That is exactly what I think too.


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