# I think a married man is attracted to me...help?



## ariadne12 (Nov 9, 2012)

I'm married and in college and am takin a course from a married professor. He has a big family and everything and he's probably 10 or 15 years older than me. This would give me reason to think that he's "safe" for me to approach and ask questions. He's a "big wig" in that particular department and just like any serious student would do, I've been trying to establish a professional relationship with him. I've taken two classes with him already. However, I get a strong sense that he's attracted to me. And it's really confusing me and throwing me for a loop. 

See, when I took my first class with him 2 semesters ago I think he was coming onto me then, but I was too distracted to notice or care. Looking back though I recall some things he did that was probably inappropriate. Also I wasn't married then, so when men made advances it wasn't a big deal to me. However, now that I am married I'm a lot more aware of how I come across to men and how men come across to me.

Last time I checked married men kept their distance from women they weren't married too. They don't touch for longer than needed, stare, etc. But this guy..

-I've caught him staring at me several times during class at times he shouldn't be looking at me (not during lectures). If it was during lectures I wouldn't think twice about it, but he stares at me when he thinks no one's paying attention. 

-I've caught him checking me out, I can swear he stares at my butt when I walk away from him. I just have that sixth sense. 

-He has made attempts to touch me for longer than necessary. It comes across as casual, but not accidental. He's touched my hands, he's come up and touched arms/shoulders with me while his body is turned in towards me (I just stepped away), he stands really close to me too. 

-I walked passed him once and he placed his hand near the small of my back and guided me towards the door. He didn't touch, but he was very close and I could feel him wanting to touch my waist. It made me uncomfortable and I dodged him.

One time He told me I was advancing faster than the other students (which I think is an odd statement). 

-Oh and he smiles at me a lot and really big and genuine. When I'm looking at him during class he'll stare into my eyes and smile for longer than usual. He'll smile at me in the hall affectionately and will keep his eyes onto me for longer than a normal greeting. 

-One time while we were crossing paths he smiled at me really big and blushed and kept his eyes on me until he couldn't anymore.

- I visited his office the other day to ask for help on my final project and everything felt really intimate. And for the first time he started asking me about my major and stuff. But the WAY he asked the questions felt personal even though it was disguised by academics. He kept drawing closer to me as if I was a magnet and got really close. Maybe only a foot was between us by the end of it. Sometimes he would smile at me wierd and ugh it just felt intimate. It's hard to explain. Office visits may not be the best choice.

-He's extra gentlemen around me. I've watched the way he is with other female students. 

-When we run into each other unexpectantly his eyebrows raise and he smiles at me, then will look at me up and down and say something like, "Welcome back". This makes me uncomfortable. 

Anyways, there's more but you get the idea.

It's confusing because this is all body language and vibes. I'm not sure he wants to have an affair with me, because sometimes he get's nervous around me and sometimes ignores me during class. He keeps the conversations professional and hasn't asked me about my personal life. He's a really nice guy and I can tell he really loves his kids because he talks about them in class a lot. He's even mentioned his wife a couple of times. So, then I start to think that he's safe and maybe I am crazy and there's no reason to read into things. And sometimes when he sees me unexpectantly he acts scared, confused, or sad around me. And I don't know what his problem is. Maybe he feels quilty for having feelings for me. 

But I can't get passed the feeling that there's something going on between us and we feel closer than we actually are. And I feel like I'm going crazy worrying about this. I enjoy his company and he's really talented at what he does and what he does is exactly what I want to do. He's living my dream and he's very successful at it. By all accounts, he should be a great mentor and I should take advantage of his openess towards me. 

But I feel strong emotional currents being passed between us and I don't know what to make of it. I haven't told my husband because I'm afraid that maybe I reading the signs wrong. And I don't want him to worry. And what if I am misinterpreting everything? 

ADVICE PLEASE! He's going to be in my life for a while. I'll probably be required to take a couple more of his courses.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

ariadne12 said:


> I haven't told my husband because I'm afraid that maybe I reading the signs wrong.
> 
> ADVICE PLEASE! He's going to be in my life for a while. I'll probably be required to take a couple more of his courses.


Tell your husband. I'll have to think about the next step- you really do need to make it clear to the prof that you WILL keep professional distance. You have a right to feel safe in an academic environment. 

His age, family size, etc. are actually irrelevant when it comes to evaluating whether or not he'll cross marital boundaries.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Hard to tell how much if it is you and how much of it is him. But indeed the answer is the same. Take these gut feelings as a warning. 

He probaby does like you. he is a man and that is natural. Should he be acting less flirty and more professional? Certainly. But you can only control you. Do not be alone with this guy. Keep things professional. If he does something out of line, immediately tell him so. Depending on what it is report him. And tell your husband.


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## ariadne12 (Nov 9, 2012)

How do I keep things MORE professional? What specifically? Because I already am keeping it professional. And what if I am misinterpreting things?

I want him to think I'm a good student because I am, and I don't want him to think that I don't care because I don't approach him with questions or take advantage of office visits like the other students do. He is one of the few people who holds the key to my academic future. I'm going for my masters. Trust me, his opinion of me matters.


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

ariadne12 said:


> But I can't get passed the feeling that there's something going on between us and we feel closer than we actually are. And I feel like I'm going crazy worrying about this. I enjoy his company and he's really talented at what he does and what he does is exactly what I want to do. He's living my dream and he's very successful at it. By all accounts, he should be a great mentor and I should take advantage of his openess towards me.


Wow :scratchhead:



ariadne12 said:


> Last time I checked married men kept their distance from women they weren't married too. They don't touch for longer than needed, stare, etc.


Just like you said, it works vice versa with married women too.  

btw, think twice before you do something stupid..


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## ariadne12 (Nov 9, 2012)

WOW, NO A++, I'm not coming onto him. That's offensive. If you read the post I made it clear I wasn't responding to his flirting.

_"I could feel him wanting to touch my waist. It made me uncomfortable and I dodged him."

"He's touched my hands, he's come up and touched arms/shoulders with me while his body is turned in towards me (I just stepped away)"_

You know, my husband went for his masters and had mentors in college who were older married women. 

It's perfectly normal to admire and want somebody's career. Just because i think he's talented doesn't mean I want to cheat on my husband. 

Lots of other students feel the same way about him.

I'd apprecieate if you'd reply with something more useful. I need help deciding if I'm misinterpreting the signs, and if I'm not, how do I move forward? I already KNOW I need to maintain appropriate boundaries and not flirt back. 

HEELP.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It's not uncommon for people to sniff each other out sexually in the course of their day. You can't do anything about what he thinks, or how it comes across in his facial expressions. The fact that he touches you gives you the opportunity to set boundaries. You can simply state, hey, hands off, Professor so and so. You can also keep your distance and use body language to take control of the situation, despite him being the prof and you being the student. For instance, don't sit down in his office, and keep yourself between him and the door. Look at your watch or phone to obviously keep track of the time you spend interacting with him. These are all power moves. As he is attracted to you, and not vice versa, you have the power in this situation. All he can do is give you a bad grade. If you don't deserve a bad grade, he can't even do that. Now you probably need to find someone else to take classes from, because you can't really rely on his feedback to fuel your professional/academic progress. 

I suppose I'm lucky, I have a relationship with my client/boss. So anyone I work with on any project team isn't going to waste my time and energy at work trying to even think about getting into my pants, not that they know, but people just instinctively *know*, they figure this stuff out. My mentor is my client's business partner, and will be supervising my work. I know I can count on him separately to support my professional and academic achievement, since he's the one who introduced me to my boss/client in the first place, on a professional level (he overshot his target...)

Anyway, as a woman you need to pay attention to the dynamics of power. You have to accept that people are going to be sexually attracted to you in your place of work or studies...I mean, you're sexually attractive, and don't go censoring yourself in order to try to solve the problem that way. Just acknowledge it and make sure you use the knowledge of that to stay in charge of your own career and life. Don't become confused by thinking you have to 'allow' anything to happen in the way he interacts with you because of your status. Remember, you're the one who can file a harassment charge if he touches you after you tell him it's hands off. You can follow-up with the hands-off statement by pointing to your head and shaking some papers in front of him, like, this is what I want you to be concerned about...how to get this (head) to here (papers...) results. If he's the sort to place the blame on you, saying you dressed a certain way or whatever, tell him to get over it, or to go teach in a seminary.

I wanted to add, too, that I'm an adult student in an academic setting where people's feelings and beliefs are discussed, so there is a lot of thought exchange going on...whereas in my other work, there is a lot of data, but it's about thoughts, just other people's...hence the underlying power dynamics of your situation, are more common than you think...it's just that you're not framing the situation in the right paradigm in order to give yourself an edge. Anyway, I have a couple profs who are really fond of me, one I have no clue if he's married or not. Maybe he fantasizes about me, and I get that it's not just about me physically, it's because periodically I spit out some essay that he's particularly impressed with, and really, grammar gets him going...a student like me doesn't come along every day. To my credit, once I take care of my business concerns this afternoon I'm taking my Shakespeare stuff over to the library and probably going to spend three hours giving this guy the full attention he deserves...on my last paper.  He'll be nowhere near me. lol. I just want him to live in a world where a student really cares about a paper and doesn't fake it. Faking an academic paper is to me the same as faking an orgasm, and as I told my boss last night, I can't fake anything. Let's face it, academic study is focused on the mind, and the mind is a beautiful thing. The same mind that churns out papers and essays and projects is the same mind that allows you to have a full blown orgasm and enjoy the pretty Christmas lights in a quaint historic New England seacoast town. I'm just saying, don't expect a prof to look at you, to know your mind so thoroughly, and to not have fantasies. Your job is to keep him fully occupied in reality with producing work so that his fantasies cannot deviate too far from reality. 

In effect, take your head out of the gutter, and his will follow!

I talk to my mentor about Argentine Tango...fencing, literature...he's 67 but honestly, in some respects I am like an office pet. Nothing wrong with that. If you can handle it, it allows you to have a cozy office life where you don't have to have your guard up. Accepting affection and admiration where it's due is an art form. You don't have to put out, there's no obligation. But protesting that it shouldn't exist is just not realistic at all, and to whose benefit?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Sounds like you're flattered or something. 

Just shut it down and leave it at that, simple. 

Turning a small problem into an elephant.


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## ariadne12 (Nov 9, 2012)

Of course I'm flattered. You would be too. 

And no, I'm not turning a small problem into an elephant. Asking for advice on forums is my way of keeping the problem small. In fact, I'm asking for advice so it doesn't turn into a elephant.

You only think I'm making a big deal out of it because I wrote a long question.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

ariadne12 said:


> Of course I'm flattered. You would be too.
> 
> And no, I'm not turning a small problem into an elephant. Asking for advice on forums is my way of keeping the problem small. In fact, I'm asking for advice so it doesn't turn into a elephant.


Actually I wouldn't be, as its happened in the past. I don't care for validation from other women. 

Its simple, and obvious really.

Tell him you feel uncomfortable about his actions towards you. 

Done and done. One of my managers would sometimes lean real close while looking at my screen with her breasts sometimes rubbed against my shoulder. 

Told her I didn't like it and she was a bit put off, but no problems since.

Also tell husband


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

ariadne12 said:


> Of course I'm flattered. You would be too.
> 
> And no, I'm not turning a small problem into an elephant. Asking for advice on forums is my way of keeping the problem small. In fact, *I'm asking for advice so it doesn't turn into a elephant.*
> 
> You only think I'm making a big deal out of it because I wrote a long question.


Telling your husband right now would be a good place to start.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

ariadne12 said:


> In fact, I'm asking for advice so it doesn't turn into a elephant.


Every school has a human resources person, and quite often a department. They're the people that show the sexual harassment videos, and are aware of all the current laws, and how a breach of them affects accreditation and funding. I'm a college instructor and we get reminded of this every year.

Since it is clearly bothering you I strongly suggest to approach an HR person, and without naming names if you're concerned, ask how to proceed. You're right, you may be in a tight spot if you want to keep this guy's favor for career advancement and endorsement, without starting a scandal. 

If you wrote truthfully, he's coming on to you and it's straight up NOT appropriate for him to do that. 

Tell your husband ASAP, there's no need to wait for anything there, whether or not you're reading the signs wrong doesn't matter. Tell him. Now is not the time to hold secrets.


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## ariadne12 (Nov 9, 2012)

DrMathias said:


> If you wrote truthfully, he's coming on to you and it's straight up NOT appropriate for him to do that.



Of course I'm telling truthfully. I really don't like that people are suspicious of me. Thank you for validating my feelings that this is worth being concerned about.

And I will tell my husband. However, he may be peeved I didn't tell him sooner. This has been going on all semester...I just wasn't sure if I was imagining it or not.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm assuming that you have to take his classes for the degree you are earning. If he is not the only person who can be your advisor, make sure that you don't ever declare him as such or accept him as a mentor.

The professor-student thing is stupidly common & what I want to ask you to do is to consciously think of his wife when you consider anything personally with him. She is a real, breathing person who would be crushed just to read your post.

If you have no choice but to have him as a professor, stop being flattered. It's mind over matter & allowing yourself to feel flattered opens up possibilties even if you don't think so now. 

Always keep the door open during office hours. If he closes it, tell him that you promised your husband that you would always meet one-on-one with professors only with an open door. Back off a bit when he invades your personal space. Again, do not let the flattery sway you in any way. Act dumb regarding the signals he's sending. If they get too strong, tell him you are married, that you love your husband, that you would never betray him & that you need that to be clear.

Tell your husband what you are sensing. I don't believe it is all in your head, so tell him and become a united front in whatever you do about it.

This should only be difficult because of the power issue between the prof and you. The flattery must be taken out of the equation completely.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

is this the flipside of this thread?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/62373-how-act-around-my-student.html


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

ariadne12 said:


> Of course I'm telling truthfully. I really don't like that people are suspicious of me.


That's fair, I don't want you to feel like you're on the stand and being evaluated. My sincere apologies. 

I've seen too many cases here though where threads start like this and the OP leaves out some key details that they think might portray them in a less positive light (often unfounded). Heck, I think I've even done it. 

The pertinent details seem to come out eventually though. 

Coming from an academic perspective and still reeling from my own experiences from a school related infidelity on my wife's part, I really want you to feel safe- like you're not being hit on, and free to pursue your degree without having to worry about your primary advisor's motives. I mean that.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

I regret getting married

Why would a married man with family be attracted to another woman?

At one point are you actually cheating?

Want to enjoy sex more!!"]Want to enjoy sex more!!

Links to your other threads.

I think you're well on your way to a cozy little affair.....that is..if its not in motion already.
You're all over the place.


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## ariadne12 (Nov 9, 2012)

Lon said:


> is this the flipside of this thread?
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/62373-how-act-around-my-student.html


There's always a chance it could be..although his name is neither jack nor jill haha

Small world if it were him.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

First the useful stuff.

You are in a tricky situation because you are going for a Masters and the advisors/mentors can have a huge impact on your career. But your career is not worth your marriage. At least you don't sound like that is the case.

Your problem isn't that you don't know right from wrong. It's that you are uncertain of how to deal with this guy in a diplomatic way. At least this is how I read it.

The basics:

Tell your husband. My wife got a male supervisor in a formerly all female store. She told me before he arrived and it made a HUGE difference. He might be able to give you advice.

Understand that no matter what you do, at some point, your rejection of his advances, delicate or not, will get through to him. So 'hurting his feelings' is a given. No one likes to be rejected.

Dress down for his classes. Peasant skirts, sweatshirts which cover your butt. Bulky sweaters. You can change for your husband later. Drab colors. No make up.

Stop with the woman 'let's get along' thing. Stop smiling. Don't frown, but dont' smile. A smile by a woman at the wrong time sends a 'pick me pick me' vibe to men who want to translate it that way. Stop laughing at his attempts at humor. "I don't get it' may downgrade your intelligence in his estimation, but it's also unattractive. (It's amazing how bright and attractive a woman who thinks I'm funny is. Even more so when it's genuine)

Not sure how you carry your books. But clunky purses and holding books across your chest sends a subtle signal. A subtle twist of the hip or elbow means 'Professor Grabs' gets a fistful of elbow or purse.

He will try subtle 'come closer' techniques of his own, such as setting a paper on his desk so you can stand next to it together in close proximity. Just pick up the paper and read it, using it as a barrier between the two of you.

When you visit his office, bring a female colleague. Nothing says 'don't do anything actionable' like witnesses. And pick a female because chicks have that so called attraction detector (But yet somehow we have so many female posters who didn't detect a thing until discovered...and didn't sense the lies...etc) If you trust her, have her run interference. Pick someone blessed with a wealth of gravity as your linebacker.

Have your husband stop by to 'drop off your notes'. Put on a show of a hug and a kiss. Introduce him to the Professor.

While we are on the subject, if he is in danger of becoming your mentor, meet his wife. Have lunch ALONE with his wife. CHAT in a FRIENDLY WAY with is wife. BOND with his wife. Make him worry that you can and will tell his wife about anything inappropriate he says or does.

Of course, if you want to be a bit less subtle, mention the creep at the store that followed you around, asked you questions and kept touching your arm. A little historonic shudder adds a nice touch.

Okay, having said that, you are coming across as being pretty defensive. Believe it or not, advice or insights you don't like might a) not be wrong and b) aren't meant as an insult. 

And with that level of sensitivity, one wonders if he's just being friendly flirty or crossing a line. Just as a guy can spin a smile into 'I want to have your baby', so too can a woman SOMETIMES take a touch or a glance as 'he wants to GIVE me a baby."

Wanting someone isn't a crime. Flirting with someone isn't a crime...except it is a bit icky in your power dynamic.

I hope some of this helped.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop smiling at him. Start looking pissed off. If he approaches you on your demeanor, then tell him you feel uncomfortable around him. and when he asks why then tell him you feel like you are getting hit on, and when he say "what if I was" then you tell him that your happly married and he needs to find someone else tohit on.

Don't insult him or talk about his marriage that will just piss him off and scew with your grade.

In short figure out a way for him to make a move and then shut him down. You'll now if it worked when you started steering at some other chick.

Hell maybe just walk up to him and ask him if he realizes that he is steering at you, then if you says "well yes your an attractive women, is that a problem?" you can then tell him you are happly married and it makes you uncomfortable. When it comes to bussiness sometimes beating around the bush can cost you the deal. Being frank and direct shows how confident you are and your terms are nonegotiable.

Thats mt $0.02


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## ariadne12 (Nov 9, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> I regret getting married
> 
> Why would a married man with family be attracted to another woman?
> 
> ...


Yes, I am all over the place and I am having issue swith my husband. But that doesn't mean I'm close to having an affair. I have morals and I'm not a homewrecker. I've really appreciated having this forum because you guys have kept me thinking straight. 

By the way, my husband and I are doing ALOT better.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> I regret getting married
> 
> Why would a married man with family be attracted to another woman?
> 
> ...


Ah....well this certainly changes my comments. I don't think I have any right now other than to stop being selfish and think about the professor's wife.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

ariadne12 said:


> There's always a chance it could be..although his name is neither jack nor jill haha
> 
> Small world if it were him.


from his thread:



> Secondly, I probably seem safe to her. I'm a skinny, hairy, middle aged professor who has a wife and 6 kids. She'd probably never imagine I would be attracted to her in the first place. She has no reason to think her actions towards me are innappropriate. She's only visited my office ONCE and that was to get help on the final project.


well if this sounds like him you will see what he is thinking, and though it is highly unlikely that this a coincidence... it is hard for me to not suspect this all is ficiton, but if it isn't atleast here is a chance to clear the air - reply to his thread, tell him you do not want to pursue a relationship outside of class and that any sexual feelings ends here, and if he cannot stop then print off what is written on here and threaten to take it to the Dean.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Your very first post from your very first thread:



> Is simply having a crush or infatuation with someone considered cheating?
> 
> Or is it when both people acknowledge they like each other?


There seems to be a lot of trickle-truth throughout the FIVE threads you've started on this same situation in less than one month.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

> Is simply having a crush or infatuation with someone considered cheating?
> 
> Or is it when both people acknowledge they like each other?


Your husband deserves to know it FIRST. Not the person you are having the crush on. You don't get to discuss the future course of action with your potential AP before telling your husband. At least have the minimum decency and respect for another human being. Jesus!


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## ariadne12 (Nov 9, 2012)

JCD said:


> First the useful stuff.
> 
> 
> Okay, having said that, you are coming across as being pretty defensive. Believe it or not, advice or insights you don't like might a) not be wrong and b) aren't meant as an insult.


I get defensive when people assume I'm imagining it, flirting back, assume I'm intersted in having an affair, or invalidating my need to be concerned. 

You're advice on how to behave is very helpful and it made me feel better because I HAVE been doing those things you suggest (dressing down, big baggy shirts, not smiling back, not laughing at jokes) I've actually been doing those things all semester. 

I have been treating him like any normal professor. Going up and asking for help, taking advantage of office hours..I'm a serious student. And I feel guilty for just doing those things and being nice/polite to him.

I feel guilty for not shutting it down the second it started. It's just hard when your dealing with a professor who's cleverly and subtley flirting. I also really respect him and have really really been hoping he's not the **** Bag he's turning out to be. I spent a good majority of the semester convincing myself he has warm feelings for me like he has for his daughter.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

ariadne12 said:


> I get defensive when people assume I'm imagining it, flirting back, assume I'm intersted in having an affair, or invalidating my need to be concerned.
> 
> You're advice on how to behave is very helpful and it made me feel better because I HAVE been doing those things you suggest (dressing down, big baggy shirts, not smiling back, not laughing at jokes) I've actually been doing those things all semester.
> 
> ...


Let me put it down for you: Shutting down is very very easy if YOU really want to. How to do it? STOP thinking about it. Think how would you feel if your HUSBAND did something like this.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

ariadne12 said:


> Of course I'm telling truthfully. I really don't like that people are suspicious of me.





SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> There seems to be a lot of trickle-truth throughout the FIVE threads you've started on this same situation in less than one month.


I saw the earlier threads ariadne started but I didn't recall the username (I should have, 'Ariadne' is my favorite Dead Can Dance song). I'm kind of proud of myself that I was able to pick up on subterfuge in the first post... sad I didn't link the username 

Ariadne you seem confused, I hope you get things worked out.


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## ariadne12 (Nov 9, 2012)

Lon said:


> from his thread:
> 
> 
> 
> well if this sounds like him you will see what he is thinking, and though it is highly unlikely that this a coincidence... it is hard for me to not suspect this all is ficiton, but if it isn't atleast here is a chance to clear the air - reply to his thread, tell him you do not want to pursue a relationship outside of class and that any sexual feelings ends here, and if he cannot stop then print off what is written on here and threaten to take it to the Dean.



I pretty sure this is coincidence. There are billions of people in the world and I'm not the only student having issue with their prof. I'm not going to respond to a thread as if I'm the person he's talking about. that's wierd.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

life101 said:


> Let me put it down for you: Shutting down is very very easy if YOU really want to. How to do it? STOP thinking about it. Think how would you feel if your HUSBAND did something like this.


:iagree: it is all on you, there will always be people out there that will respond to your affections, if you don't want to destroy your marriage and the potential happy life you could be having with your H don't let this emotional affair happen, you have to de-escalate it by withdrawing any emotions you have about this, he is just a professor take the knowledge of whatever subject it is you are studying from him and leave the rest, if he makes inappropriate moves then go over his head so effective disciplinary measures are made against him - it is his paid job to teach you to the best of his ability and if he is denying you the chance to excel, or would exploit you, then he is stealing from you and deserves to lose his job.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

ariadne12 said:


> I pretty sure this is coincidence. There are billions of people in the world and I'm not the only student having issue with their prof. I'm not going to respond to a thread as if I'm the person he's talking about. that's wierd.


Is he an art teacher, and does he have a young female TA who you've approached, and does he have 6 kids? If so, he's the guy.


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## ariadne12 (Nov 9, 2012)

life101 said:


> Think how would you feel if your HUSBAND did something like this.


"did something like this"...I haven't DONE anything. Geezis. Guys, nothing has happened between me and this guy. 

Let me me put it down clearly for you guys:

I'm young in college and married. Being married and in college comes with it's own set of hurdles. 

I do have regrets getting married so young, but I've talked to my husband about that.

My husband and I have had problems in bed, but we're working it out.

I'm trying to seek information and truth before acting. I'm confused yes.

These feeling I have toward my husband predates this stuff with my prof..their not connected 

Having a Professor whom I respect and admire hit on me is flattering, confusing, repulsive, and disapointing. And it has made matters with my husband better and worse because I've been able to sort out some thing and it's encouraged me to solve the problems I have with my husband.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

ariadne12 said:


> "did something like this"...*I haven't DONE anything.* Geezis. Guys, nothing has happened between me and this guy.
> 
> Let me me put it down clearly for you guys:
> 
> ...


Where did it say you did anything? :scratchhead:

It is all hypothetical, right? Your husband must have his options. Would you like it if he walks out on your marriage tomorrow leaving you on your own?


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Well the best advice I can give you is to not pick up on his flirtations, act disinterested or dumb. And don't confront your professor about his intentions or anything of that sort because you don't want him to ruin your grades. And if you're attracted to him too, well it's going to take a lot of willpower to resist his advances.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

You might not like the tough love you are getting from us. Believe me, it is needed sometimes for happiness in the long run. I wish my STBXW got some hard love from her parents too and got herself straightened out.


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## ariadne12 (Nov 9, 2012)

Lon said:


> Is he an art teacher, and does he have a young female TA who you've approached, and does he have 6 kids? If so, he's the guy.



No, this is not the guy. Thanks for your help though


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

ariadne12 said:


> No, this is not the guy. Thanks for your help though


good to know... and in that case look at my last comment, it's up to you to protect your boundaries. Remember why you are at college, it probably wasn't to make elicit relationships with your teachers, it was probably to secure a future in your preferred field of expertise.

And as it's not the same guy, I agree to not confront him, just de-escalate it, but if you did confront and your grades were ruined that would be a serious breach of ethics by this professor and you'd have every right to file a complaint with the University about it.

Good luck, I'm sure if you stay academically focussed this will be history.


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## ariadne12 (Nov 9, 2012)

DrMathias said:


> I saw the earlier threads ariadne started but I didn't recall the username (I should have, 'Ariadne' is my favorite Dead Can Dance song). I'm kind of proud of myself that I was able to pick up on subterfuge in the first post... sad I didn't link the username
> 
> Ariadne you seem confused, I hope you get things worked out.


You're wrong. I assumed ppl would link the username.This TRUTH that has "trickled" out is this:



-I'm having problems with my hubby
-I'm confused as to WHY my professor is hitting on me since he has a wife and kids
-Because of this i've been interested in what constitutes an emotional affair so I don't slip up
-I want to have better sex with my husband

I was not being deceitful and you shouldn't feel proud of yourself for thinking I was.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ariadne12 said:


> I get defensive when people assume I'm imagining it, flirting back, assume I'm intersted in having an affair, or invalidating my need to be concerned.
> 
> You're advice on how to behave is very helpful and it made me feel better because I HAVE been doing those things you suggest (dressing down, big baggy shirts, not smiling back, not laughing at jokes) I've actually been doing those things all semester.
> 
> ...


It sounds to me like this guy has experience with doing this with students. Be very careful of him. He could ruin your chances of successfully completing your degree. It's a fine line to turn someone down and to get them p!ssed. And the issue is that if he does get p!ssed you don't own it, but it can hurt you.

If you tell your husband maybe he will show up to your class sometimes and be all lovey dovey with you. Maybe he can even go with you to talk to the prof about an assignment. The who of you can hold hands and/or be physically close the entire time you are talking to the prof.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ariadne12 said:


> You're wrong. I assumed ppl would link the username.This TRUTH that has "trickled" out is this:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


1) he's a cad and does this to students all the time . You are just ONE of his current targets.

or 

2) he is an old fool who suddenly finds himself infatuated with you and has no idea how to handle himself.

Having a wife and lots of children does not save one from being either a cad or a fool.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

And just to be on the safer side record conversation that you have with him when you have to deal with him on your own.


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## ariadne12 (Nov 9, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> 1) he's a cad and does this to students all the time . You are just ONE of his current targets.
> 
> or
> 
> ...



Because I desperately want him to be a a good guy, I hope the second is true and that when the break is over, he'll have set his mind on his family and wont' hit on me anymore. That would make next semester easier and less confusing for me indeed.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Does he have a reason to think you are attracted to him? Any stuff you did that you wish you hadn't, in hindsight ?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This is great, you have a great oppertunity to practice your boundries for when you get out and start working.

This prof is in a sense your future boss or supervisor. In the future you will have a some one who has control of your income( today its your acidamic career) and this person will hit on you. How you handle this now will give you a great tool for your furure career.

My point, this will not going to be the 1st time you will be tested, so be polite and direct, your boundries are non negotiable.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

And like in every other profession, people like your professor(or atleast what he seems to doing) exist. They have affairs easily with their students due to their position of power. A lot of students(women) hit on these professors out of need or the "attraction to the older, mature guy thing". Some guys divorce over these affairs. But you are married. So you are a more convenient target if he is looking for temporary fling. It will only last until your time in the university. And he can go move on to his next student.

Or 

he just has a crush on you.


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## ariadne12 (Nov 9, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Does he have a reason to think you are attracted to him? Any stuff you did that you wish you hadn't, in hindsight ?


Well I'm not sure and I'm afraid I have given him reason. I look back towards the beginning of the semester before I knew he'd have a crush on me and I remember deciding that I wanted to have a professional relationship with him so I'd stick out from the masses. So I'd be polite and smile warmly (like I do with everyone-I'm a smiley person. I love smiling at ppl). I have bad listening skills and hate asking questions in class because I'm afraid of asking something the prof may have already answered. So often I'd go up to him after class and ask about stuff I was confused on. But it was purely professional and they were good questions. He'd answer them, I'd say thanks and walk out. I have ADD and so I compensate for it by building relationships with my teachers and asking them for help (without being annoying). I've even explained to them my problems in the classroom. So he should know I'm not just looking for excuses to spend time with him. 

I do look him in the eye a lot when he lectures, or especially if I get confused about something and I'm trying to decide if I should ask a question. I get nervous. 

What else? Before I thought he liked me, I thought that we could have a platonic professional relationship. And that may very well be what we have. So I'm friendly with him like I am with everyone else. 

But I honestly feel like I've given him more reason to think I'm not interested. 

-stepping away when he invades my space
-not smiling back once his smiles started to get affectionate rather than polite
-not laughing at his jokes
-calling him by his professional name (although no one else does which I think is unprofessional)
-wearing baggy clothes
-not wearing a ton of makeup in class
-wearing my wedding ring
-mentioning my husband during class with other class-mates
-avoiding long conversations; keeping it academic and professional and keeping things short and sweet

If he thinks I'm attracted to him because I stay after class to ask questions and smile at him warmly when saying hi and bye, then he's a bit arrogant.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

The fact is the reason that he is doing this, is because he can. He is an intelligent man in his field of endeavor, but he is not a very smart man. He uses his position of authority to manipulate young women to satisfy he own selfish desire. Don't for a minute think you are the first or the last. 

He is smart enough to push things right to the line, so you can't really say anything to the administration. However, if you give him the slightest of an opening, he would take advantage of the situation. Be the smart young lady you appear to be, don't give him a chance, make him keep his distance. If he deliberately gets in your space, deliberately reestablish this space. Young women that avail themselves to advances like this, just become another notch on his belt. He no more cares for these women than the man in the moon.

My advice is be the strong upstanding women that you have been so far. Know what this man is, DO NOT put him on a pedestal, or allow yourself to be in alone with him. If he touches you correct him immediately, you have that right, my sense is he will back off. Concentrate your efforts on your husband and studies, that is enough for one person.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

If this were me, I wouldn't worry at all unless he did in fact touch me in some way. If that happened I'd speak up. Otherwise, I'd get on with class without thinking twice. I wouldn't be looking up at him to see if he was staring at me either. I wouldn't think about it either.

This is what I would do.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

ariadne12 said:


> I get defensive when people assume I'm imagining it, flirting back, assume I'm intersted in having an affair, or invalidating my need to be concerned.
> 
> You're advice on how to behave is very helpful and it made me feel better because I HAVE been doing those things you suggest (dressing down, big baggy shirts, not smiling back, not laughing at jokes) I've actually been doing those things all semester.
> 
> ...


Dressing down is something you should not do. It puts you in a display of showing that you feel powerless. You can dress however you like, and you should dress to feel at your most attractive. If you let one person take that away from you, that's just the start of what you'll let them get away with. If you want to wear jeggings, say, and nail polish and nice boots, you shouldn't have to give that up. 

Honestly, any accommodation you do on your part is a ceding of your power. You might as well drop out of college if you're going to give it up that easily, your degree won't do you any good, or anyone else any good, you'll be too busy worrying if your blouse is the right kind, and not worrying enough about the profits. You want to make someone turned on, make some money for them. 

He's got you censoring your every move.
Counter his advances, move into his space and poke him in the chest til he moves back.
Laugh at his stupid jokes, and tell better ones back, and let him know his are kind of lame, and old.]
Check your nails during class.
Get up and leave lectures when they're boring, take a break and come back with a soda or whatever.
Let him wonder if you're married, or not. Don't hide behind a marriage or a relationship status...there's no need for that. Keep him guessing. Let him play the fool.
Make sure he does his work and gives you the feedback you deserve on assignments.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ariadne12 said:


> Because I desperately want him to be a a good guy, I hope the second is true and that when the break is over, he'll have set his mind on his family and wont' hit on me anymore. That would make next semester easier and less confusing for me indeed.


When I was younger (I'm 63 now) men used to do this all the time. Not only professors. I've had bosses, co-workers, etc do it. It's sooooo annoying. I got very good at just ignoring them. Eventually they would give up on move on.

It really was not all that flattering (IMO) to have a horny older man drool over me. It was even wrose if they were a man who had a position of power over me. Men who do this regularly are into themselves. They need the conquest to feel good about themself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Dressing down is something you should not do. It puts you in a display of showing that you feel powerless. You can dress however you like, and you should dress to feel at your most attractive. If you let one person take that away from you, that's just the start of what you'll let them get away with. If you want to wear jeggings, say, and nail polish and nice boots, you shouldn't have to give that up.
> 
> Honestly, any accommodation you do on your part is a ceding of your power. You might as well drop out of college if you're going to give it up that easily, your degree won't do you any good, or anyone else any good, you'll be too busy worrying if your blouse is the right kind, and not worrying enough about the profits. You want to make someone turned on, make some money for them.
> 
> ...


Ya know.. i kinda like this approach. It's in his face while pusing him away.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

College lecturers are always doing this.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ariadne12 said:


> *Because I desperately want him to be a a good guy,* I hope the second is true and that when the break is over, he'll have set his mind on his family and wont' hit on me anymore. That would make next semester easier and less confusing for me indeed.


This is bothersome. You should not desperately care about him one way or another. You probably want to admire him. Look, he is a teacher. Nothing more and nothing less. Do not make him out to be something he is not. That is school girl stuff AND indeed can lead to marital issues for you considering you already have regrets.

Just be professional and take yourself to the next maturity level. Yes, you can do that. You indeed can tell him you are married. That is not hiding behind anything. That is being upfront. Not stressing that you are married can be taken by men as that it is not important to you and that he does not need to worry about it. I get the whole strong woman thing. But come on. It does mater that you are married. So make that very clear. Are you not wearing a wedding ring? Yes I know some men do not care but others see the danger in it as well. Husbands are more likely to go to his administration.

Do not play power games with this.


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## ariadne12 (Nov 9, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Are you not wearing a wedding ring?


I AM wearing a wedding ring everyday all the time, I bring in a starbucks drink every morning that has my husband's name written on it (we go to starbucks together each morning), I've mentioned my husband in class(not sure if he overheard any of it), he knows my last name changed since he taught me 2 semesters ago, and I wear my husbands sweat shirts to class sometmes because they're comfy. I'm sure he can tell I'm wearing men's clothes that most likely belong to my husband. 

And that's why I'm so confused. I really cannot believe that a married professor with kids would hit on a woman who is clearly married. And it befuddles me to no end. Like I really cannot believe it. I really cannot believe it. 

I know I'm handeling it like a school girl, but this is seriously the FIRST time something like this has happened. I feel totally unprepared and unequipped, especially since I didn't handle it best from the get go. Next time I'll know and be better prepared.

I don't want to hide myself though, so I just need to get used to men in power being attracted to me and approach my husband as soon as it begins, even if it's just a gut feeling.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ask to meet his wife to exchange recipes or something. And say your husband is very eager to meet him. Maybe double date with them as a couple?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ariadne12 said:


> I AM wearing a wedding ring everyday all the time, I bring in a starbucks drink every morning that has my husband's name written on it (we go to starbucks together each morning), I've mentioned my husband in class(not sure if he overheard any of it), he knows my last name changed since he taught me 2 semesters ago, and I wear my husbands sweat shirts to class sometmes because they're comfy. I'm sure he can tell I'm wearing men's clothes that most likely belong to my husband.
> 
> And that's why I'm so confused. I really cannot believe that a married professor with kids would hit on a woman who is clearly married. And it befuddles me to no end. Like I really cannot believe it. I really cannot believe it.
> 
> I know I'm handeling it like a school girl, but this is seriously the FIRST time something like this has happened. I feel totally unprepared and unequipped, especially since I didn't handle it best from the get go.


Just to be clear I am not criticizing you at all. 

We spend our lives for the most part being unprepared and unequipped for the new things we have to deal with.

He may be genuinely attracted to you. But indeed if he is a senior professor then this is old hat for him. He knows better. Do not assume to understand his morality.

Married men are not somehow "safe" just as married women are not. 
We have to have our own boundaries. We cannot count on others boundaries ... at all. 

Just do not put him on pedestal and provide him with any special trust or intimacy. It does not get any better in the work force. So you are preparing for that now.

Good luck. Watch your boundaries. Do not let him play any power games with you either.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Ask to meet his wife to exchange recipes or something. And say your husband is very eager to meet him. Maybe double date with them as a couple?


OMG. Really? Think this over. This would come off as a way to become more intimate with him and make him a bigger part of her life. VERY inappropriate. This is the opposite of what she needs to do. She needs to distance herself from him not make him a personal friend. A cheater would do that for sure.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Wake the [email protected]#K up!!!! Priests have molested kids, Doctors have sexually assaulted their patients, But you have a hard time believing a Married teacher would hit on their students???? Let your husband know whats going on. Have your husband stop by and introduce himself. Make sure he gives him a nice firm handshake.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

ariadne12 said:


> I AM wearing a wedding ring everyday all the time, I bring in a starbucks drink every morning that has my husband's name written on it (we go to starbucks together each morning), I've mentioned my husband in class(not sure if he overheard any of it), he knows my last name changed since he taught me 2 semesters ago, and I wear my husbands sweat shirts to class sometmes because they're comfy. I'm sure he can tell I'm wearing men's clothes that most likely belong to my husband.
> 
> And that's why I'm so confused. I really cannot believe that a married professor with kids would hit on a woman who is clearly married. And it befuddles me to no end. Like I really cannot believe it. I really cannot believe it.
> 
> ...


OK, putting my man brain on here. Sweets, you are advertising that you're with a man - your husband, and so involved with him you have a coffee cup with his name on it, wear his clothes, changed your name, probably bring attention to your ring a lot. In effect, you are displaying your total lack of concern for yourself in a marriage/relationship. Just screaming out, I am possessed by a man, because I am a woman.

Another man doesn't see this as you being taken. It translates to: this woman has made herself overly available to a man. Sure she's married to him but a guy doesn't think like this. He thinks, boy, I bet he gets to do it to her any time he wants, and he sees the evidence of your husband's presence through you...you reek of man, and to another man, this makes you even all the more desirable, and it actually feeds his fantasies. You cannot make your sexuality less by securing it to one male, you only highlight it...now your prof is thinking about you doing it with the guy whose shirt you're wearing, thinking about how you might have taken your own shirt off, etc. How you must be thinking about your husband (translates in guy thinking to sex, sex, sex) while you're in class, due to the coffee cup, sweatshirt, references to husband, ring....

Be yourself and if you don't like what he's doing take some control of the situation. What you're doing with the shirt and cup and ring is very immature, and just labels you as being impressionable and unable to think for yourself outside of a relationship, you are basically using a shield, but in using the shield, someone's written on it in graffiti...."I love my husband..." and he's reading the graffiti and it says (despite what you think it says)...I gave my hubby a BJ and picked up the wrong coffee cup from the car afterwards, because I couldn't think straight."

Honestly, yes, the 70's are over but what happened to all these classes that helped women learn how to behave as equals in the workplace/school?

He is not going to behave according to how you think he should. He is a completely different person than you. He could care less about your shirt, other than it is attached to someone you 'do' the point is he just wants to think about 'doing' you, so evidence that you are 'doing' someone else just makes it all the easier for him.

Men in power. Power schmower. Put yourself in charge and you don't have to worry about men in power being attracted to you. Power being a professor? That's a bit laughable, really. Anyway, men only have as much power as you help them have in a workplace, particularly if you're working for them. I understand this concept with my boss. I want him to have power, and I'll do most anything to support him in that, because I don't want to have to take business risks myself, the function of a boss is risk-taking and clean up should a mess occur. So who has the power in that situation? It's just about equal, the way it should be.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

The 70's obviously AREN'T over.

If you want to be aggressive in slapping him down, follow Homemaker's advice. It would, according to her, be much better to wear a micro mini with a low cut blouse, ditch your rings and go up and slap his face if he so much as glances at your cleavage.

I can get dressing like you want in a way. But the whole point of the rings is to ACT AS A SHIELD. That some people ignore them is on them.

Not sure what Homemaker is smoking, but just because a woman is putting out 'taken' signs does not equate to most men as 'takable by ANYONE'. 

I can get the POSSIBLE message of insecurity...but that is because Professor seems to have boundary problems...and for some reason you are foolishly trusting your ring to be cheater's kryptonite. It isn't. You need to understand that fact.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

araidne12 - trust your gut; your usually right and if not you'll usually fail on the side of caution. Continue to keep things professional if you must have future classes with him and maybe he'll get the message and back off. IMO you should look for another mentor. What if he pushes the issue then causes problems for you academically when you resist?

One of the most important things for you to do right now is tell your husband. Even if he gets upset you didn't tell him sooner. Explain you were not sure he was flirting until his behavior was persistent over time. Telling your husband will build greater trust between you and create a stronger bond; even if he's a little upset at first. He'll be much more upset if he finds out later.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

ariadne12 said:


> Well I'm not sure and I'm afraid I have given him reason. I look back towards the beginning of the semester before I knew he'd have a crush on me and I remember deciding that I wanted to have a professional relationship with him so I'd stick out from the masses. So I'd be polite and smile warmly (like I do with everyone-I'm a smiley person. I love smiling at ppl). I have bad listening skills and hate asking questions in class because I'm afraid of asking something the prof may have already answered. So often I'd go up to him after class and ask about stuff I was confused on. But it was purely professional and they were good questions. He'd answer them, I'd say thanks and walk out. I have ADD and so I compensate for it by building relationships with my teachers and asking them for help (without being annoying). I've even explained to them my problems in the classroom. So he should know I'm not just looking for excuses to spend time with him.
> 
> I do look him in the eye a lot when he lectures, or especially if I get confused about something and I'm trying to decide if I should ask a question. I get nervous.
> 
> ...



You are doing fine then. just FFS don't try to be platonic friends with him. Guys like him take rejection pretty hard, so look for a proper moment and reject him pretty bad.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

ariadne12 said:


> -----------snip for brevity------------
> 
> I don't want to hide myself though, so I just need to get used to men in power being attracted to me and approach my husband as soon as it begins, even if it's just a gut feeling.


This is the right approach and it is not too late to use it.

Your husband is best equipped to tell you how to reject this man's advances.

.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> You are doing fine then. just FFS don't try to be platonic friends with him. Guys like him take rejection pretty hard, so look for a proper moment and reject him pretty bad.


Yeah, crush or regular Lothario, he will try to 'nice' you into a relationship in some ways.

Expect a slew of compliments, discussions on how to improve your work for the board (Send me an email) , bits of odd gossip etc to try to drag you in (oh. how interesting. Oops, got to go!) Expect him to discuss his wife to make him seem 'safe' though there will be a bit of condesension. He might try the tack of 'asking a woman's advice' about his wife. (Sounds rough. If you need to drag a third person into your marriage, I can get the names of some counselors)

So be prepared.


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