# Am i wrong, or is she?



## Skierbri10 (Apr 8, 2015)

Hey everyone, thanks for reading this, I will try not to make it too long.

My wife and I have been married for 15 years and for the most part it has been an okay marriage. It started out great like any marriage. We were both in our mid 20's and didn't have great jobs or housing, but we had fun and everything was good.

On our third year, my wife decided she wanted to be a nurse so she began looking at nursing schools. The school she chose was in Hawaii, location doesn't really matter except we were both depressed living in the islands after a few months. We couldn't enjoy the place because we were always working. I eventually found a great job and things seemed to get better. 

The wife decided to take a week long trip to the east coast for a nursing conference before she graduated. I didn't think much of it because a few of her friends went with her. She came back the marriage was okay.

A year or so later she was done with school and we were getting ready to move back to the mainland when she hit me with her infidelity. She did it while on the trip, but I suspect it wasn't just then but while in Hawaii as well with numerous men. After a month or two of dealing with it and moving back to the mainland I decided to forgive her when I found out that she was pregnant with our first child. I have confirmed that the child is mine, and I didn't want him to have to start off in a broken family so I swallowed my pride and forgave her. During this time she blamed me for pushing her to cheat. Saying that I don't hold her hand enough, I don't treat her well enough, I don't snuggle enough, I don't say I love you enough.

Couple of years later we have another child and everything is fine. That is until I was laid off in 2010. My good paying job was no more and we had to cut back and she had to work fulltime. At this time we had discussed that I would stay at home with the kids until the job market opened up. 

2012 I finally found another job that wasn't working for peanuts plus I started a business from home. Everything was good, but the hours at the new job made it a struggle. Not even a year goes by and she tells me I should quit my job because child care was too much of a strain. I wasn't happy with my new job, but as a man of the family I had no problem forcing myself to stay at that job. In the end I did decide to quit when the hours proved to be too much and she hadn't even gotten my youngest to use the toilet at age 4. I got him to use it within 24 hours, but she didn't even try. 

Anyway, so it's been a year and a half as a SAHD. I have been happy and love my kids and I do the housework as well as run my online business. All was good, we took a vacation as a family and not once did I see any issues. Until, she said one day that I had to come up with my own money to buy contacts to see. My business is having a bad year so I didn't have any money and she has always said what she made was our money not hers. I don't ask for much just a tank of gas for the car and occasional things for mine and my kids welfare. 

I do ask her to help with the house as I was overwhelmed and needed some help. I told if she just did the dishes on occasion it would help a ton. In the few months that I asked her to do this she has done them twice. That is it she doesn't do anything else. Folded laundry sits on the couch, even her own. She will not help put it away. Dishes are left to pile up, carpet never vacummed. I have to do it all. Plus I get to do the maintence on the cars and cut the grass and cook all the food and take care of the pets, and, and , and, and all of it. No help whatsoever. When I ask for help she just says she pays the bills, thats the help and support she does. 

This blew up a couple of weeks ago and she told me she was going to file for divorce. Even had the paper work ready to go. She eventually did not do it, but the same story that I don't pay enough attention to her and I don't help with the house. 

I take care of the house, the kids, I run my own business so I am up between 6 and 7 in the morning and I am lucky to get to bed by 1am. I am exhausted and just beat. I am scared to lose my house and my kids. I am looking for a job to help with the bills, but if we end up divorcing I will not be able to afford to live where we do. I will be lucky if I am only an hour away from my kids. 

I am meeting up with a lawyer in an hour to see if I have any rights, but I am expecting I don't since I am a man. Sure I could get primary custody, but what help will that be if I can't afford to take care of them and work and live? I just don't know what to do anymore.

Again thanks for reading, I hope it came out coherent.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that some more info would help.

When you were working and had your business, how many hours a week did you work between the two of these?

How many hours a week did your wife work at the time?

How many hours a week does your wife work now? What shift does she work?

How many hours a week do you work on your business now?

What percentage of your joint income do you earn now?

How old are your children now?

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, just the two of you doing date-like things?


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## Skierbri10 (Apr 8, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I think that some more info would help.
> 
> When you were working and had your business, how many hours a week did you work between the two of these?
> I had shut down my business while I worked the other job and was there for 40 hours a week.
> ...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

First of all, the affairs are hers and hers alone. Don't accept that you are the cause for her poor choice. Second, do not allow your W to hold D papers to your head like a gun to get you to do things. 

If she keeps harping that you show no affection, etc. what is she doing to help rectify that situation? What are you doing to rectify that situation. Both need to make time for each other. 

Anyway, are you positive your W is not up to no good?


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## Skierbri10 (Apr 8, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> First of all, the affairs are hers and hers alone. Don't accept that you are the cause for her poor choice. Second, do not allow your W to hold D papers to your head like a gun to get you to do things.
> 
> If she keeps harping that you show no affection, etc. what is she doing to help rectify that situation? What are you doing to rectify that situation. Both need to make time for each other.
> 
> Anyway, are you positive your W is not up to no good?


She is doing nothing more to rectify the situation. She still complains that I don't do enough, yet I am doing even more now as in I am not getting any free time to myself and I am staying up late and waking even earlier to keep the house clean. I am holding her had almost all the time now, I make it a point to open doors for her and have a hot cooked meal waiting for her when she gets home. 

I was told on Wed that I haven't changed and I haven't dane anything to make a difference. I was heartbroken because I wore myself out to make sure I was.

Not 100% positive, but she is also not staying out late. Only time she would have is while at work and her work is just too busy for that.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Skierbri10 said:


> I was told on Wed that I haven't changed and I haven't done anything to make a difference.


So...You are still that guy that forced her to cheat with "numerous men" (I looked up the exact wording). At least you can't say she didn't warn you.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Skierbri10 said:


> Hey everyone, thanks for reading this, I will try not to make it too long.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 15 years and for the most part it has been an okay marriage. It started out great like any marriage. We were both in our mid 20's and didn't have great jobs or housing, but we had fun and everything was good.
> 
> ...



I don't mean to pick apart your post and take things out of context, but the bolded sentence struck me.

What do you want? Reconciliation and improved marriage or divorce?

Is your wife 100% ready for divorce or is she still in the mindset "unless things change"...

If both of you are not convinced in dissolution, I would suggest BOTH of you put all your energies toward restoring your marriage. This means putting yourselves ALL IN. 

If this is the course of action, I recommend reading Surviving Infidelity by Dr. William Harley and some of his other books...

Seek out a counselor...spend at least 15 hours a week of undivided attention with each other...again, be all in.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

You work 50+ hours a week from home and earn zero dollars?


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

I tend to be of the opinion that household chores/maintenance belong to the stay at home parent (this coming from a SAHM). It's only every once in a while that I asked for help, and usually that was "Do you mind bathing the kids while I do the dishes?" and my husband would either pick to bathe them or do the dishes. The only things I ever asked of him to do on a daily basis is to be mindful of the messes he makes. For example, please put your dirty clothes in one of the hampers around the house and please put your dirty dishes in the sink. 

With your kids being 5 & 7, I assume they are in school full time? Or at least the 7 year old is and the 5 year old is in part time Pre-K. That would make it easier to maintain the home with the kids being gone. 

I am aware that you have a business you run at home, but since you said it has been a slow year (and mentioned that you provide zero income to the joint account), I do believe you have the time to keep the house presentable. Note- presentable does not have to mean dust-free and immaculate. Just that no one is tripping over toys and have no clean clothes to wear or clean dishes to eat with.

Now as to your wife's affair? That is completely HER fault. While both spouses are responsible for meeting the other's emotional and physical needs, it is never the fault of the other spouse when one cheats. That is an active choice one makes. They do not just fall into bed by accident without a chance to decide if it's a good idea or not.

It also bugs me that your wife refuses to give you money. When it is agreed upon for one parent to SAH, the money that the working parent makes is just as much the other spouse's as it is their own. Marriage and parenthood is a team effort. There is no *I* in marriage, nor is there in raising children together. 

Also- one does not have to stay out late to be engaging in deceitful behavior. My husband's affair brought about zero late nights. He was *always* where he was supposed to be (she lives 6 hours away) and I never would have known something was amiss if I had not had the overwhelming urge to snoop. The brunt of their affair is through the phone. Even now (we are separated), they very rarely see each other. The last time was in February and that was only the second time. (yes, I know this for a fact as we talk and he sees the kids on a near daily basis)


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## Skierbri10 (Apr 8, 2015)

Up until a week ago the kids were being homeschooled by me of course. Now one is in elementary school. 

My business is in the ski industry and this year it has been bad since the west coast has had a bad snow year. It just breaks even. Last year was much better. 

If she is so concerned about making the money and not sharing it the why was our power shut off this week? Why are phones about to be shut off? 

As far as cheating is concerned I am fairly certain with no proof that she has been having an emotional affair online. I asked her to stop talking to other men that used to be boyfriends online and it slowed down but I'm guessing it has heated up more lately. I have no proof though and I can't get to her phone to check. 

I actually was able to goto a hockey game last night and left the house spotless. Of course I came home to a destroyed house that has taken me hours to fix. I'm just exhausted, mentally and physically.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

It doesn't matter who we say is wrong, even if we all said you are wrong will you suddenly say "ok that's good I'll do everything her way" and things will be ok?

of course not!


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## Skierbri10 (Apr 8, 2015)

Sorry I guess the title is inaccurate. I am not really looking for a wrong or right scenario. More of being able to vent out all of this.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

I was gonna say your right


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## Skierbri10 (Apr 8, 2015)

Sandie said:


> I was gonna say your right


Still me being right doesn't make it easier to live with, but thank you. :smthumbup:


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

I would say you're only "right" if you get it straight in your head that, certainly without meaning to, you married trash. get the very best legal advice and strategy possible and get rid of her. otherwise you'll eventually have to choose between your marriage or your self respect anyway. if you don't choose the latter it will then be THE major regret of your life


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## Skierbri10 (Apr 8, 2015)

*So for those following this thread I just posted this in the spirituality forum.*


I had mentioned that we were going to have our first session tonight. Boy was it a doosey. She claims that she has begged me to go to counseling for 15 years, but she had only brought it up once in that time. 

Like I had said would happen actually did happen. Basically, she was told that she was wrong because she wasn't following Gods Word. It really made her upset to have someone besides me tell her that. I thought she was about to walk out of the session, but she didn't. 

We were given some good homework, and I admit I can be better and I will be a better husband. Not sure if she is willing to work at it though. As were walking to our cars she actually apologized for all she has done. 

But my heart is broken because she has decided to take an impromptu "vacation" to visit her friends house 400 miles away for the friends 2 year olds birthday party. Her friend is a woman, but I don't believe that she will want to stay married. Pastor really tried hard to get her to not leave the house and try to fix the marriage. At this point I don't care either way. I am going to work on myself like I need to and hope she wants to stick around and see it. 

I have a sense of relief but a very broken heart. So many things I could have done better, but I am not sure if I was better it would have made a difference. 

Thanks for reading.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Skierbri10 said:


> Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
> I think that some more info would help.
> 
> When you were working and had your business, how many hours a week did you work between the two of these?
> ...


How can you for 50+ hours a week on your business and still be a SAHD?

That is makes no sense.


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## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

Hi mate,
I personally think you might need to get your self a better woman. I'm seeing a lot of weakness on her part and passiveness on yours. She cheated and blames you. Did you know you were not fulfilling her? She did not want to spend the time to toilet train your children. She sees her money as hers and does not want to help around the house.

Unless you are a complete and utter drop kick of a man and she is feeling ripped off, you should expect more from your wife in my opinion. Shared money and jobs based on collective work loads. Working together to achieve your goals. The threats are like a gun to your head like someone has already stated. I don't think she would pull the trigger when she has a guy that puts up with her behavior. I mean you moved and supported her while she studied. Based on the info that you have provided, I think that she might be controlling of you. Would you say that?

Gonecrazy


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She's had numerous affairs.
She's still chatting up other men.
She's planning a solo out of town trip, allegedly to visit some female friend. The last time she went out of town alone she was boned by some dude.
She already had the divorce paperwork ready before announcing her intention to get a divorce.
She makes flatly inaccurate accusations against you.

Taken all together, I'd suspect she's currently of the mind to leave you and she's got another guy or thinks she has another guy. To justify the affair and the decision to leave you, she has to paint you as the bad guy, hence, the wild allegations. 

This isn't a question of who is right or wrong. It's just a crap sandwich that you've been handed and the question is how to best proceed from here. You can only control what you can control. You can remain dependent upon an unfaithful person or you can learn to earn more or live on less. Maybe your current business plan needs a second look. If you're investing 50 plus hours a week and it's not turning a profit, those 50 hours might be better spent doing other things. I'd be inclined to let the bat out of the marriage while she was the primary (sole) bread winner and while she was twiterpated over some other guy and highly motivated to leave. I'd hit her with heavy child support and anything else I could get for support. If you wait until your business is generating major bread, you may end up paying her. You could try to keep the marriage going for another year until your youngest is in first grade but if you do, she'll probably get tired of mystery dude or he'll dump her and she'll lose much of her current motivation to sign legal paperwork that may be disadvantageous and stupid for her to sign.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

The first thing you should do is prioritize your life. What goals can you realistically achieve to increase your income, talk to lawyers to get a free consultation. Google divorce for men's support in your area. Do all of this in secret.

If I were in your position, I would play nice until I had an exit strategy. Create a support system. I created a network for myself to find job opportunities.

Work on your self-worth, detach, and create a life of your own. It will help with the detachment and be emotionally easier when the time comes.

Your wife is highly dysfunctional. I would suggest stop seeing her as your wife. Remind yourself daily of her negative qualities. It will help destroy the attachment,and when thoughts of her are triggered in your thoughts, it will make it easier to leave her.


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## Skierbri10 (Apr 8, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> How can you for 50+ hours a week on your business and still be a SAHD?
> 
> That is makes no sense.


I wake up early and goto bed late.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

My advice to you is this. Put the ski business on the side and go get a paying job that you can live on. 

What's happening here is financial black mail and your letting her do it along with placing all the blame on you.

Just from what I'm reading, it this goes on any longer, your going to believe that your responsible for your wife's affair and every other accusation she can throw at you.

She has your head on the chopping block with her being the bread winner. Time for you to start playing with a fresh deck of cards and that means that you have to regain your financial independence so there's a level playing field, then if it's me, I find a lawyer and let her go because she's isn't wife material.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Usually it is the SAHM complaining that husband goes to work, comes home & refuses to do chores. Look, the working spouse lives there too and needs to pitch in. Enough with the attitude that the working spouse is the king of the castle and the stay at home is the scullery maid. 

You could hold this woman's hand 24/7 and she would still claim that you weren't doing enough because enough is never good enough for her. She's an entitled piece of work. 

See a lawyer & determine your child support and spousal support benefits. If she thinks raising children and keeping house is not contributing then she can pay for those services. Between you taking care of the kids, the house, the yard care, & homeschooling she's got a sweet gig going.

BTW, did she take the kids with her on her little vacation?


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## Skierbri10 (Apr 8, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Usually it is the SAHM complaining that husband goes to work, comes home & refuses to do chores. Look, the working spouse lives there too and needs to pitch in. Enough with the attitude that the working spouse is the king of the castle and the stay at home is the scullery maid.
> 
> You could hold this woman's hand 24/7 and she would still claim that you weren't doing enough because enough is never good enough for her. She's an entitled piece of work.
> 
> ...


No she did not take them, she didn't even say bye to them. Left me hold the bag on what to tell them.


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## BrutalHonesty (Apr 5, 2015)

In case you haven't figured out yet:

Being a SAHD = slowly losing your wife's respect. 

I can't understand how some guys can't understand this. 


However, in your case, with her history of cheating (probably still doing it) i don't think you are losing much.

As the primary caregiver to the children you should be eligible for alimony and child support if you get a divorce. At least, that's the theory. But you are a man, so i don't know what kind of outcome that would lead to. 

Nonetheless, if you stay married or not, you still need to find a job.


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## Skierbri10 (Apr 8, 2015)

So she took the whole weekend to "herself" you know the days that I am supposed to get a little break from doing it all. She just got home at 8:30pm and the kids were in bed sleeping. Now they are running all around, getting them up for school tomorrow should be a blast. 

Anyway, she seems surprised I am giving her the cold shoulder. I mean wouldn't you if your spouse left for a weekend without it planned and didn't even say bye to the kids. No call or anything the whole time either. 

All the while leaving me to try to explain why she was gone and then also figuring out last minute babysitter while I have an interview. 

Just blows me away I'd never do any of that. Maybe I'm too nice?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Skierbri10 said:


> I wake up early and goto bed late.


So you spend your days taking care of your kids. Then once your wife is home for work you put in 50 hours a work working on a business that brings in no income.

I suppose this means that the two of you spend little to no time together.

Is your wife annoyed about your business?

Basically you and your wife work opposite hours. Few marriages can survive this schedule. 

Add to it that your work of 50 hours a week seems to add nothing financially to the household. Sounds like a very time consuming hobby.

I think that your wife should be pulsing her fair share when she's home. She's in the wrong with not helping.

But I also think that your business it putting an undue strain on the marriage. You would be better off just getting a job and working the same hours your wife does.

Keep in mind that if you get a divorce, you will need to find a job that actually pays. So you may as well start doing that now.


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## Skierbri10 (Apr 8, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> So you spend your days taking care of your kids. Then once your wife is home for work you put in 50 hours a work working on a business that brings in no income.
> 
> I suppose this means that the two of you spend little to no time together.
> 
> ...


Like I already said its been a bad year due to weather and I have already been looking for jobs. As far as working the same hours it isn't going to happen what I know how to do still requires working opposite hours. It was a main reason I left that job so I could be home during the day to watch the kids and work on my business. The business is on the verge of a breakout even with the bad winter season this year. I am not going to give up on it just because I've had one bad season. I think is the difference with business owners and employees, business owners don't just give up after one bad year. They keep trudging on and trying to build the business. Anyway, it sure will be fun to work for child care and nothing else. Really looking forward to that.


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