# Living with BPD wife



## RollinLefty (Nov 11, 2012)

I read the posts on this forum frequently, but never really post anything. I must say that it is very comforting knowing there are so many others out there that are dealing with the same/similar situations that I am.

I have been married for 7 years and my wife has BPD. She routinely speaks with a therapist and psychiatrist. I have been extremely patient and compromising, but it certainly wears me thin! We have a 4 year old son, who at times, can be very taxing on my nerves as well. To be quite honest, I think my wife is worse than my 4 year old most of the time.

Even knowing the effects of BPD, I find myself having and expressing little sympathy for her. My mind and personality simply thinks "suck it up, quit acting like a child!" I hate the fact that all her prefessional help wants to do is prescribe some pill that turns her into a zombie with no emotions. She has been through several different meds and they all have pretty much the same effect, just to varying degrees. Having been dealing with her issues for several years and knowing what the medicine is doing to her body, we have decided to attempt to cope with her BPD without any medications.

The withdrawl symptoms are absolutely insane!!! She has been on the meds for 4 years and enough is enough. It is time to learn to deal with this without the meds. Is there any readers out there who are currently dealing with BPD without taking medication? I would be curious to hear how things are progressing and what advice you might have.

It's difficult to talk to my wife about my feelings on this because it usually just leads to an argument about how I am not being supportive or understanding. I try to be honest about how I feel, what I think, and offer suggestions for what I feel would work for our situation.

Thanks for reading!


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## rabbislatkin (Sep 23, 2013)

You write that you have no sympathy for your wife. You think she should “suck it up and quit acting like a child”. It is worth exploring where that may be coming from and why that behavior bothers you so much. Does it remind you of someone else in your life who did not take responsibility? Were you ever accused of acting like a child? While it is taxing to live with someone who is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, the more ownership you can take for your reaction, the more conscious you can be about the situation, and the less aggravated with your wife.

In terms of the ineffectiveness of the treatment, it sounds like it may be worth getting a second opinion. There are no real medications that treat this personality disorder. Meds may only help treat some of the symptoms like anxiety, depression, or regression. The most successful form of treating mental health issues with meds is when it is combined with therapy. Meds should help take off the edge and make the client more capable of participating in therapy. If they merely dope up the person, they are not contributing to long-term healing, besides the side effects. 

I have had clients where one spouse was supposedly BPD. It is important to know whether she meets the criteria for this disorder. With personality disorders there is always a continuum. Many of us could be on that continuum but not be pathological. The diagnosis can be a crutch that prevents the patient from doing the work that is needed to heal. Many people are over diagnosed so it is important that you seek a competent professional. You can read more about the dangers of diagnosis *here* and *here*.

Regardless, she is difficult to live with and you need to find way for both of you to cope. The more calm you can create in your home, the less likely she will be set off. One technique that could help you is the Imago Dialogue process. It will help you both be able to talk about your feelings and really feel heard and validated. Otherwise, such conversations can become a free for all where you both just react. When we make suggestions to our spouse or share our feelings about their behavior, it can trigger a strong reaction and defensiveness. It’s important to have a safe process where you can communicate and not worry about the other responding. That’s what the dialogue does. I have found it to help, even with couples where one spouse was diagnosed with BPD. You may even see her symptoms calm down when she feels heard and learns how to listen to you without reacting.


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## beatup (Apr 6, 2013)

Rollin, I've been with my wife for 25 years. Within the last year I realized her traits have been typical BPD and have been so for the 25. No medication. I don't think I would want her on meds. Had a son who was mis-diagnosed Bi-Polar when he was 21 yo. The docs had him so doped up, all they did was remove any feeling he had (his words). He took his own life at age 24. Couldn’t stand the numbness. Based on what I have read, meds are way overused. They remove the conscience. I would rather deal with my wife in all the tension and volatility than to dope her up to any level. If it gets bad enough I’ll just leave.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I have BPD and I never went the med route because the side affects were awful. I wish there was a magic pill because I sure would have taken it. LOL

I sought help in year 7 of our marriage. I put my poor husband through hell but once I got into therapy I began to change. This was a long road for me but I wanted it BAD. I hated the person I saw in the mirror.

My best suggestion is to get therapy for yourself. Learn to set boundaries, learn to take your life back and live an authentic life. The ONLY way your wife will ever change is when she's motivated to do so and not a minute sooner. She must want it for herself you can't want it for her.

The only person you have the power to save is you.

Sucks I know.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Re. Withdrawal symptoms

My impression is some folks have a harder time with that than others, for any given drug.

I have read enough at this site to believe there are some helpful ideas here for stopping anti-depressants.

http://survivingantidepressants.org/

Of course, YMMV as they say.


I've come across a similar site talking about anxiety meds, though not focused exclusively on withdrawal.


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## "joe" (Aug 19, 2013)

2galsmom said:


> In my experience, and I have read research supporting this, all the activities I did to minimize his destructive behavior removed the consequences for his abuse and negative behavior and never brought peace for ANYONE.


after d-day and even still now (4 months later) i wonder "if only i had done ..." or "if only i could have accommodated to ..." but i also had the impression that if i gave her all the emotional support (content never defined) she asked for, there would always be more demanded. in other words, "supporting" her would only have enabled even more irresponsible behavior.



2galsmom said:


> My ex-spouse had and still has no conscience and the meds were not the reason for this, his issues were.


my tbxw has demonstrated since leaving me a vicious callousness about her own actions (ending the marriage by deceit and infidelity). 'no conscience' is the right phrase for her also.


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

"joe" now that I am free of the chaos and the fog, I read all these posts with people here who have a working relationship with their ex. or that have reconciled or work together for the children.

Then I think, "Maybe if, if I __________, maybe he will . . .

Then I stop. Reality kicks in. I did everything I could. My ex was and IS without remorse and my attempts at health were fought with violence and chaos. For me it was exactly that, MORE was always DEMANDED.

Be kind to yourself "joe" at the end of the day they make their own choices and you are not to blame.


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## "joe" (Aug 19, 2013)

2galsmom said:


> "joe" now that I am free of the chaos and the fog, I read all these posts with people here who have a working relationship with their ex. or that have reconciled or work together for the children.
> 
> Then I think, "Maybe if, if I __________, maybe he will . . .
> 
> ...


thanks much for that, 2galsmom, i'm still in the self-doubting phase and probably will be for a time to come. i know how i contributed to our issues, but i also know issues are to be worked out, not run away from while blowing up somebody else's life. i know it, but i need to have it really sink into my bones.


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

You know, I contributed to the issues as well, but I contributed more when I was unhealthy and in the fog of chaos created by my spouse to maintain "control." I also tried for over 4 years to have an amicable split so as not to "blow up" his life, in my codependency I was more worried about him than myself.

Don't forget about the blame shifting and gaslighting that occurs in many relationships with a person with a personality disorder, your self-doubt has most likely been fostered by your spouse.

It is ESSENTIAL to connect with other healthy individuals as well as to have periods of NO CONTACT with the person with the issues so you can maintain your sanity and ability to thing rationally.

Were you taught to keep a stiff upper lip? To never quit? To work harder when adversity strikes? These are all "good" thought patterns that can backfire on you in a situation such as the one you are in. Remember, it is a world of color, not black and white. Reject your own black and white thinking of "this is how it should be" "I should never get a divorce" or I should "always" do such and such AND RETURN to the world of color.

I don't call it grey world due to so many popular books idealizing abusive relationships with rich "bad boys." I prefer a world of color "joe."


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Lefty, what CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) has your wife gotten in IC? Any? Any sheink who simply throws meds at a patient he or she has diagnosed with a PD should have that license yanked. COmprehensive treatment (with a very willing patient) is the only thing that has ever been proven to work. The illness is about lousy coping skills, not a chemical imbalance (although that is often a secondary diagnosis, along with anxiety, depression, etc.)

Have you been given any reading material by the treating dr/therapists? Are you in IC for yourself as well? While the disordered personality is all hers, the marriage belongs to both of you.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...dunno...never found a psychiatrist who did much else but push drugs. OTOH, some drug pushers are more competent than others. One went the zombie approach - where she was so doped up she couldn't think. The other would just add one medication, check for symptom changes over the course of 2-3 months, and then make another change. Within 3 years, the second one got to a medication combination that helps appreciably. I think there are problems with reimbursement and providing therapy... The biggest bonus is the anti-anxiety drugs. Honestly, overall, my wife isn't functional without anti-anxiety medication.

OTOH, for real change, yes, DBT therapy helps. What sort of therapy is she doing? 

Finally, therapists who treat BPDs recommend visiting a therapist as preventative care for themselves. If you're actually living with one, it is a really good idea.

--Argyle


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

argyle said:


> ...dunno...never found a psychiatrist who did much else but push drugs. OTOH, some drug pushers are more competent than others. One went the zombie approach - where she was so doped up she couldn't think. The other would just add one medication, check for symptom changes over the course of 2-3 months, and then make another change. Within 3 years, the second one got to a medication combination that helps appreciably. I think there are problems with reimbursement and providing therapy... The biggest bonus is the anti-anxiety drugs. Honestly, overall, my wife isn't functional without anti-anxiety medication.
> 
> OTOH, for real change, yes, DBT therapy helps. What sort of therapy is she doing?
> 
> ...


You have to learn to crack the code.


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