# Affairs and PTSD



## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

I found this comment on the www and thought it was pretty well written, and worth sharing.. as painful as it is to read.

https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/ptsd-from-spouses-affair.15212/



> As someone who was diagnosed with PTSD 3 months before finding out about my spouses affair I am appalled that anyone who has not been the victim of an extramarital affair would say it does not meet the criteria for developing PTSD. I can tell you a spouses affair is the most painful thing I have ever been through. It is worse than the childhood abuse, worse than being taken away from your parents, worse than having someone threaten your life if you tell about a crime. Please let me validate that yes, an spouses affair can most certainly cause PTSD. What does an extramarital affair do to a betrayed spouse?
> 
> It shatters our assumptions about our safety in the world. It reminds us that we have no control over what happens to us. Our emotional well being is a lie we told ourselves to make us feel safe. It teaches you that no matter how much you wish you could rely on other people, this just is not true in life. It teaches us that the security we once believe we had can be stolen from you in an instant and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
> 
> ...


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## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

Never faced combat so I wouldn't presume to say what I went through could in any way be compared to it but I will say that my wife's affair was BY FAR the most painful and devastating thing that has ever happened to me including the unexpected deaths of close family members and friends.

It really does pull the very ground from beneath your entire world.

It's freaking hard, man.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I understand where he's coming from. The stress from a betrayal can be devestating.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes it can be painful however I would never equate the pain I experienced from my H's EA's to any worse by any means to a child who is being abused or what happens in war to people. To me no matter how painful it was some people experience tragedies too terrible for me to even comprehend.

A spouse can always be replaced..if I had chosen to leave him or he left me I am 100% certain I would have found love and happiness again.

Everyday in the news you hear about people suffering unspeakable horror due to someone dying in a terrible manner, etc. I would take my pain over that anyday.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

highwood said:


> Yes it can be painful however I would never equate the pain I experienced from my H's EA's to any worse by any means to a child who is being abused or what happens in war to people. To me no matter how painful it was some people experience tragedies too terrible for me to even comprehend.
> 
> A spouse can always be replaced..if I had chosen to leave him or he left me I am 100% certain I would have found love and happiness again.
> 
> Everyday in the news you hear about people suffering unspeakable horror due to someone dying in a terrible manner, etc. I would take my pain over that anyday.


In other words, "just suck it up and move on"?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

"It is worse than the childhood abuse, worse than being taken away from your parents,"

Maybe to this person their spouses affair was worse than this but IMO my pain does not come close to what an abused child experiences...that is my point.

YOu also have a choice as a BS to leave the relationship unfortunately a child of abuse does not have that choice.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Well, (speaking in general terms) to me people react differently to things and for the most part how they do has to be respected. 

For example, I was shot by a burglar once but have never bothered to buy a gun (I like guns, I just don't own any) and am not afraid at night. Other people would be terrified. Just because they respond differently than I did is meaningless. Their feelings or fears are still fully justified.

Another thought- some people are more stout responding to such thigs. Not better or worse, just different. I respect both- again, speaking in general terms.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Life altering is a good description, but it's hard to put into words the feeling. It strips you of all you held dear and invested your complete heart into.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Not all relationships are equal...

Pain, also not equal...

Because someone can just replace a spouse, and get back to 100% certainty of love and happiness, doesn't mean that's the case for everyone.

I'm am not 100% certain I can ever get back to that place again with anyone.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

highwood said:


> "It is worse than the childhood abuse, worse than being taken away from your parents,"
> 
> Maybe to this person their spouses affair was worse than this but IMO my pain does not come close to what an abused child experiences...that is my point.
> 
> YOu also have a choice as a BS to leave the relationship unfortunately a child of abuse does not have that choice.


When I was a child, I was teased, picked on, beat up.. I had very low self esteem. I found a beautiful girl, that loved me. She was my world. I built a life with her, we had children, we had fun, we had the perfect marriage. She was my best friend, and helped me find success in life. She helped me get over my inferiority, and my doubts. She gave me confidence, that I could be loved, that I do have worth. She made me feel special.

When I saw her with another man, all those feelings of being picked on as a child came back. The only thing is, that this time the guy who was abusing me was being helped by my best friend and my wife. He was having the last laugh, and once again I was back to that place where I was alone and beat up. It turns out, my best friend and love of my life, the person who made me feel better and more wonderful than anyone ever had in my lifetime had been abusing me for half a decade, and I had no idea why. She was now also responsible for the most pain I've ever felt in my life. The person I spent my life protecting, and keeping safe, it turns out wasn't doing the same for me. 

Now at age 49 after a lifetime of memories with this person, I realize my love, my passion, my romantic ideas were all false. The world as I knew it, never existed. It was all my silly deluded vision of a story book romance, that was only in my feeble eggshell mind.

So I have the option as a BS in R to leave the relationship, but that won't erase anything. It won't do a reset on my emotions.

A better analogy using child abuse for me would be, child is in a loving home, thinks life is wonderful, parents are great to them.. then one day, mom and dad start abusing.. more and more over time, until one day you walk in and find out your mom and dad have been loving some other kid, and they've been beating you to justify it.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

No value in comparing my upbringing to anyone else's and not the type to give the 'poor me' version of the abuses and trauma's I suffered as a child. They are significant to say the least, yet almost trivial compared to the damage this experience has done to my core.

I'm not crying about it, and don't want pity or need understanding. It is what it is, this statement is just a matter of fact. The damage to that _'me'_ was catastrophic. The person I was, didn't make it. Sure I'll be ok, but i'll never _'him' _ again.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Wasn't trying to compare upbringings, or levels of abuse, was just trying to show how and why for me it is life altering, and not something I can get over 100%..

I also don't want pity, I think I'm doing pretty good considering the circumstances.. I actually consider myself fortunate, because I always try to see the bright side of things.. Still have health, children are good, etc.. I just wanted to point out how discovering my wife's affair brought me back to those early memories of being abused as a child and how it made me feel helpless and changed my view of the world and people.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Two books about Post Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD - I love that acronym  )

The second ones title is very misleading. Most of the book is about the trauma of infidelity, whether it's a result of a 'sex addict' partner or not.

first book


second book


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

russell28 said:


> Wasn't trying to compare upbringings, or levels of abuse, was just trying to show how and why for me it is life altering, and not something I can get over 100%..


Oh no. I'm sorry Russell, my statement was a generalization. I wasn't addressing you directly, I don't think you or anyone else is trying to compare scars per say. 

I just meant I wasn't going to list a blow by blow account of what I've personally seen and been through in my life to add impact to my statement that infidelity has been the most life changing event ive ever endured. 

FWIW, Before 20.. I'd seen grissly death (including loved ones) up close and personal multiple times and survived 5+ divorces w/disfunction and abuse on all levels. My X's infidelity was worse, and it's not close.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Interesting read. I agree that I currently feel that my FWW infidelity is the worst trauma in my life. But I doubt that it alone really is.

I didn't have the best of childhoods. Lots of drugs, violence and exploitation to go around. But the truth is I don't remember most of it in vivid detail. I suppressed some things, others are just clouded over. I remember that certain things happened. Approximately when. I have a few visual snapshots of some things. But it's largely faded and replaced by the good things I've accomplished in my adult life. 

I met my wife when I was young. I had recently decided to quit drugs and focus on building a better life than the example my father had set. She came from a stable family, went to church, didn't do drugs or run around causing trouble at all hours. It was a way of life I had never seen close up. I wanted to build a life like it with her.

We got married, started our home together. Waited a few years to have kids because we were smart enough to know we were young and being foolish. I was successful in my career and kept getting promoted. We moved several times, including 3 long distance moves which enabled us to see a lot and meet interesting people.

I found safety and happiness in her arms, and in building my own family. But she shattered that safety by cheating on and lying to me. The pain is intense, and hard to shake. I think a large part of that pain is rooted in the childhood trauma. The anxiety, the fear the uncertainty. It's a familiar feeling. One I'd hoped to never experience again. It will take a long time to feel safe again, if ever.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I have been in combat, and that was nothing compared to my wife's betrayal and request for divorce while I was in Iraq.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

For me in my opinion and my situation..there is definently things that could happen that would be so much worse. Not discounting the pain I experienced or anyone else's on here. As I said yes it was painful however I know there are people out there as we speak are suffering some horrible tragedy. I guess that is how I just look at things...you know how you are dwelling on something in your life and then you talk to someone else and think man they have it so much worse...that always puts it in perspective for me.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

highwood said:


> For me in my opinion and my situation..there is definently things that could happen that would be so much worse. Not discounting the pain I experienced or anyone else's on here. As I said yes it was painful however I know there are people out there as we speak are suffering some horrible tragedy. I guess that is how I just look at things...you know how you are dwelling on something in your life and then you talk to someone else and think man they have it so much worse...that always puts it in perspective for me.


No doubt.. no matter how bad you have it, there's always some poor soul out there that has it ten times as bad. You really have to learn to appreciate everything you have in life.


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## GettingBetter (Mar 7, 2013)

I just saw this thread and had to reply.
When i was 16 my country was engulfed in war. Couple of years later I joined the defense forces. I have seen some real life horrors. Lost a few friends...spent 8 months as a POW, endured daily torture for a first two months. 7 teeth knocked out. Digging graves, collecting dead bodies, digging trenches...real tough part of my life.
Then I came to the USA, reconnected with my childhood sweetheart..got married, had two beautiful kids. And after 12 years of marriage came the worst part of my life, the betrayal.
I can not even compare the two. The betrayal was 100 times worse. It took much longer to recover...and I am not there yet. 
During the war and months in the POW camp I knew what to expect. Even though ai was only 18 at the time. 
But this...I cant even describe. The pain from the beatings was nothing compared to heartbreak. I knew I could have been dead any day, and for some reason I was OK with it. I was ready to welcome death during those 8 months. I was praying for it. 
I know what pain is...I know what happiness is...I know what sorrow is. 
In my 37 years of life I have been thru a lot. But I never gave up. It made me who I am today. I look at the world differently. 
Am I happy? I would say semi happy. Almost there. I know I am healing. Slowly...it takes time. A lot of time. But I will get thru it. Now I have goals in life. I have something to live for. I have my two boys whom I have to teach about life. I am doing my best. But I know they will turn into fine men. I know I will be proud of them one day. And I can only hope they will be proud of me. I know I am proud of me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> No value in comparing my upbringing to anyone else's and not the type to give the 'poor me' version of the abuses and trauma's I suffered as a child. They are significant to say the least, yet almost trivial compared to the damage this experience has done to my core.
> 
> *I'm not crying about it, and don't want pity or need understanding. It is what it is, this statement is just a matter of fact. The damage to that 'me' was catastrophic. The person I was, didn't make it. Sure I'll be ok, but i'll never 'him' * again.


So well said I wished I could have written it. This is were I'm coming from as well. I fully realize that this kind of betrayal happens literally tens of millions of times a year all over the world to far better people than me. As human tragedies go, adultery is far from unique. 

However, that does not make it any less painful for those going through it. Maybe it should but the fact is that this experience is the most devastating thing that can happen to many, many people. 

To try to minimize this fact or ignore it with some kind of "get some perspective, p*ssy" or other false macho bluster does nobody any good.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> No value in comparing my upbringing to anyone else's and not the type to give the 'poor me' version of the abuses and trauma's I suffered as a child. They are significant to say the least, yet almost trivial compared to the damage this experience has done to my core.
> 
> I'm not crying about it, and don't want pity or need understanding. It is what it is, this statement is just a matter of fact. The damage to that _'me'_ was catastrophic. The person I was, didn't make it. Sure I'll be ok, but i'll never _'him' _ again.


It seems infidelity is a transformative experience for the BS - the damage done it like a natural disaster


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

highwood said:


> Yes it can be painful however I would never equate the pain I experienced from my H's EA's to any worse by any means to a child who is being abused or what happens in war to people. To me no matter how painful it was some people experience tragedies too terrible for me to even comprehend.
> 
> A spouse can always be replaced..if I had chosen to leave him or he left me I am 100% certain I would have found love and happiness again.
> 
> Everyday in the news you hear about people suffering unspeakable horror due to someone dying in a terrible manner, etc. I would take my pain over that anyday.


Excuse me, Highwood but the person who made the statement about the infidelity of their spouse hurting them more than child abuse was talking about THEIR own abuse as a child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

GettingBetter said:


> I just saw this thread and had to reply.
> When i was 16 my country was engulfed in war. Couple of years later I joined the defense forces. I have seen some real life horrors. Lost a few friends...spent 8 months as a POW, endured daily torture for a first two months. 7 teeth knocked out. Digging graves, collecting dead bodies, digging trenches...real tough part of my life.
> Then I came to the USA, reconnected with my childhood sweetheart..got married, had two beautiful kids. And after 12 years of marriage came the worst part of my life, the betrayal.
> I can not even compare the two. The betrayal was 100 times worse. It took much longer to recover...and I am not there yet.
> ...


Around 2000 I had a soldier come to me and he wanted to talk. I don't want to sound pompous but it was not uncommon for soldiers to come to me when they were having issues. The soldier was Cambodian and for the next two hours he talked about how he escaped with two other villiage kids (they were about 14 years old), to Thailand. He and one other made it. The other one was shot and killed and his other friend was shot but the two of them stuck together and made it into Thailand. After spending time in a refugee camp he finally came to the U.S. and joined the Army National Guard. It was a horrendous story of life in Cambodia and how he managed to live through a very horrible journey to Thailand. He told me he never shared his story with anyone other then his sister who lived in New York. As unbelievable as it may sound he was murdered in his apartment the following month. Some one broke into his apartment and robbed him and shot him. I wanted to follow up with him the following month when he would report for our monthly drill weekend but instead ended up attending his funeral. His funeral was somewhat special. He was in the admin section in our unit and all the guys and gals participated in his funeral. We had a military funeral for him. Other then his sister we were his family. The soldiers that served with him had arrainged to have two soldiers standing at attention for 15 minute time intervals on either side of his casket during the service. It was very moving. 

I had worked also as a chaplain at a mission and heard similar stories from guys I worked with that were from Kosovo or Bosnia. We had a prison nearby that held immigrants and they had a program where they would be released, and would come to the mission while they would be working with an attorney and a sponsor. 

My heart goes out to you for what you endured in life. And I do understand how you can say the betrayal was 100 times worse. Nothing I have gone through when in combat or any other life situation compared with the agony of my wife's betrayal.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I think that some of it is because the intimacy of a marriage is something that allows you to expose your most vulnerable, deep psychological and biological parts to another human being. 

I've never been in combat so I won't pretend to know how that can be. I have a lot of friends who went through 'Nam, for example, and I have seen it affect them in different ways. Some got out of there, some are still haunted by it these many years later. 

But things that "happen" to you externally are things you can brace for. You know you're going to war. You know you're in the wrong part of town, etc. You can brace for it. 

Infidelity comes at you completely by surprise, and it hits you in the most vulnerable part of you, your heart and soul. You can't brace for it; you have to just take the kick to the balls (psyche, manhood, tenderness, you name it for yourself) and try to live through it the best you can. 

I've lived through it with different women. But this last one, who I truly thought was THE love of my life, hit me the hardest and the worst. We're in R, but I'll never completely get over it like I got over the others.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

I was abused as a child and it took a long time for me to get over it. But my STBXW's betrayal is nothing compared to it. Depending on how long it took me to get over my childhood abuse, I can only assume how long it will take for me to get over my 'adult abuse'. 

Yeah yeah I know, people say that you are an adult, effing get over it. Until it happens to them with that intensity. 

By the way, this is how NIH defines PTSD:

NIMH · Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)



> What is Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)?
> 
> When in danger, it’s natural to feel afraid. This fear triggers many split-second changes in the body to prepare to defend against the danger or to avoid it. This “fight-or-flight” response is a healthy reaction meant to protect a person from harm. But in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), this reaction is changed or damaged. People who have PTSD may feel stressed or frightened even when they’re no longer in danger.
> 
> ...


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Just to put my 2 cents in:

As others have done, I've posted before about the pain of discovering the betrayal and the intense and constant pain in the aftermath.

The quality and intensity - the texture - of the pain don't compare to anything physical or emotional I have ever come close to experiencing before. It's comforting to know I'm not abnormal in feeling it with such intensity although I wouldn't wish it on even somebody I hated (and I don't know that I do really hate anyone).

I can't say any more than that and, although there are a lot of us in this "club", I haven't met anyone else that understands and that makes the experience not only painful, but isolating. 

The one person who would normally help through this is the cause of it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> Just to put my 2 cents in:
> 
> As others have done, I've posted before about the pain of discovering the betrayal and the intense and constant pain in the aftermath.
> 
> ...




:iagree:

The pain was weird. It was like a hard, bulbous knot in my chest, like something horrible had taken up residence, there.

And I felt dizzy. But not like any dizzy I'd ever felt before.


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