# Husband Wants Independence



## LaurenWard (Jun 6, 2012)

My husband likes to go to work events, then stay after to drink. He works in the restaurant industry and has long, inconsistent hours. Some nights we don't see each other at all. Sometimes we wont see each other for days because our schedules conflict. He is invited to parties and bars with his co-workers often and I tell him I'm not okay with him going without me. I wish I could go with him, but I have to stay home to take care of our baby. Do other wives protest when their husbands want a social life that doesn't include them? Am I being unreasonable? This week he stayed after a work kickball game to drink with people on the field while I was at home making him dinner. I told him dinner was ready and got a text message telling me to save him a plate, he was staying after to drink. He knows I'm not okay with him blowing me off for his social life and that I'd been cooking for him all night. But he turned his phone on silent for the next 45 minutes and ignored my response asking him to come home and not stay after. Then we talked about it the next day and he said it was unrealistic for me to expect him to want to spend every moment outside of work with me and that he wasn't at my beck and call. That's not how I was raised to understand love or respect, so I'm dumbfounded and hurt. Please someone tell me I'm not wrong here. It's not unrealistic to expect my husband to want to spend time with me when he can, especially if the alternative is drinking with the people he sees 60+ hours per week while I take care of our family.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

You are not wrong in the slightest.

He sounds more like a teenager than an adult.

He has a child with you that he should be helping with. 

How old is he?


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## LaurenWard (Jun 6, 2012)

We're both 25.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Lauren,

Sounds like he isn't quite an adult yet and you aren't wrong to feel this way

That said, I think the two of you need to find out why he doesn't want to spend more time with you.

However, I do think it unrealistic if you expect him to spend every waking moment he isn't working with you. Married people need space and hobbies and friends outside of the marriage.


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

God, this one is hard... 

I would be the husband you want yours to be. Working and rushing home to spend time with family. Cook and take care of kids, etc. 

Because of that, my wife has no interest in me... 

Its like on one hand women say they want this but when they get it they dont appreciate or respect it and go off looking for a ******* to cheat with.. 


I read what your husband does, and now think I need to have balls like that with my wife and then she would find me attractive and a man...


Its very confusing........


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

LaurenWard said:


> My husband likes to go to work events, then stay after to drink. He works in the restaurant industry and has long, inconsistent hours. Some nights we don't see each other at all. Sometimes we wont see each other for days because our schedules conflict. He is invited to parties and bars with his co-workers often and I tell him I'm not okay with him going without me.


I`ve been in the restaurant industry for 30+ years.
I cannot think of an industry more detrimental to marriage due to the culture of the workforce alone.

You should find the time to be at some of these functions with him.
It will be a learning experience for you, one I`m sure you won`t like.
My money says he`ll start making up excuses for you not to be present when you tell him you want to go with him.

Essentially your husband has to grow up and be a husband.
He cannot do this while surrounded by a plethora of morons.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Its not a matter of right or wrong, it's about "relationship expectations".

He's satisfied with spending what you feel is very little time together.

You are not.

If he's unwilling to compromise then you could easily become a "walkaway wife" (Google it).

You can't force him to want to be with you, any attempt to do that will just backfire on you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

My wife and I went through a period like this. My thought at the time was she kept acting like it was my responsibility for her to have a life. I tried and tried for years to get her to do things with me, but she just wanted to stay home. So finally I just went and had a life myself. Took a couple climbing classes, got into cycling, went to barbeques with my climbing club, etc... I kept telling her she was invited to come. She never did. She just stayed home alone and whined that I would not stay home and be miserable with her (not in those words, but that's how I heard it). Eventually she woke up and started to do things that she wanted to do. And I just invited myself along on many occasions. We do a lot more together now.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

Santa said:


> God, this one is hard...
> 
> I would be the husband you want yours to be. Working and rushing home to spend time with family. Cook and take care of kids, etc.
> 
> ...


I totally get this. My wife is a SAHM and after work I go home every night to help her with the kids (allowing her some time for herself) and I also do the cooking (which is my choice). I take care of my little family in every way possible yet I'm unappreciated and apparently too beta to be loved the way I need to.

I then get all sorts of advice to stay out with friends and away from the family and to avoid them and this somehow will make my wife want and respect me. I'm getting tired of strategizing all of the freakin' time just to keep my family intact.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

LaurenWard said:


> My husband likes to go to work events, then stay after to drink. He works in the restaurant industry and has long, inconsistent hours. Some nights we don't see each other at all. Sometimes we wont see each other for days because our schedules conflict. He is invited to parties and bars with his co-workers often and I tell him I'm not okay with him going without me. I wish I could go with him, but I have to stay home to take care of our baby. Do other wives protest when their husbands want a social life that doesn't include them? Am I being unreasonable? This week he stayed after a work kickball game to drink with people on the field while I was at home making him dinner. I told him dinner was ready and got a text message telling me to save him a plate, he was staying after to drink. He knows I'm not okay with him blowing me off for his social life and that I'd been cooking for him all night. But he turned his phone on silent for the next 45 minutes and ignored my response asking him to come home and not stay after. Then we talked about it the next day and he said it was unrealistic for me to expect him to want to spend every moment outside of work with me and that he wasn't at my beck and call. That's not how I was raised to understand love or respect, so I'm dumbfounded and hurt. Please someone tell me I'm not wrong here. It's not unrealistic to expect my husband to want to spend time with me when he can, especially if the alternative is drinking with the people he sees 60+ hours per week while I take care of our family.


I had to read some other posts to not duplicate questions. You are both young, and you are a new mother. While it is no unfair for him to want some "me" time, you should be getting equal amounts of "me" time (that do not involve baby" and time with him. I would address this issue, but in a way that does not push him away. Don't bring up the phone because then it seems like you are nagging however, you can say, what if there was an emergency with the baby and you didn't even have it on vibrate to at least check to see if I needed you? I agree with you some lines of respect are getting blurred. I would ask him for a night out with the girls and ask him if you did the same, shut off your phone didn't return calls, etc, would it be acceptable to him as well as him having no idea really where you are at. I bet he will think about things a bit more. I'm sure others on here can give some more advice. But your time should be in equal amounts, yes you both still need individual time, however, it shouldn't be solely you taking care of the baby and the house all the time and only him getting to go have fun! I would totally also suggest hiring a sitter and going to meet him one night


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

LaurenWard said:


> My husband likes to go to work events, then stay after to drink. He works in the restaurant industry and has long, inconsistent hours. Some nights we don't see each other at all. Sometimes we wont see each other for days because our schedules conflict. He is invited to parties and bars with his co-workers often and I tell him I'm not okay with him going without me. I wish I could go with him, but I have to stay home to take care of our baby. Do other wives protest when their husbands want a social life that doesn't include them? Am I being unreasonable? This week he stayed after a work kickball game to drink with people on the field while I was at home making him dinner. I told him dinner was ready and got a text message telling me to save him a plate, he was staying after to drink. He knows I'm not okay with him blowing me off for his social life and that I'd been cooking for him all night. But he turned his phone on silent for the next 45 minutes and ignored my response asking him to come home and not stay after. Then we talked about it the next day and he said it was unrealistic for me to expect him to want to spend every moment outside of work with me and that he wasn't at my beck and call. That's not how I was raised to understand love or respect, so I'm dumbfounded and hurt. Please someone tell me I'm not wrong here. It's not unrealistic to expect my husband to want to spend time with me when he can, especially if the alternative is drinking with the people he sees 60+ hours per week while I take care of our family.


Just a question, are you two younger, like in your 20s? I've seen this behavior in people who get married and have children young, then they decide they missed out on their 'youth' and want to recapture it. 
I've done this a little myself. But have seen it at much larger scales with others.
My wife never had a issue with me having a social life outside of hers, even after the kids. As long as I was reasonable (you post makes it sound like he goes out ALOT), and gave her a warning that I had plans. Anyway, my wife isn't out-going at all, so I think she actually preferred _not going_ so she didn't have to socialize. 
I know people in the restaurant industry are infamous "partiers". Being in that element and thinking your 'missing out' on all the fun won't help any. 
Regardless, if you have an issue with it, than he has to respect that. Bottom line. Perhaps you can talk and strike a compromise with him. Come home more, be with his family, and once/twice a week (whatever works for you) he can go out. Plus, give him an incentive to stay home (wink wink nudge nudge).


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

My husband pulled this stuff when we dated and the first year of our marriage for us it got way worst almost marriage ending but we endured and got through it. To make a long story short something more was going on than just him wanting independence I am wondering what he is hiding from you. ;(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

LaurenWard said:


> My husband likes to go to work events, then stay after to drink. He works in the restaurant industry and has long, inconsistent hours. Some nights we don't see each other at all. Sometimes we wont see each other for days because our schedules conflict. He is invited to parties and bars with his co-workers often and I tell him I'm not okay with him going without me. I wish I could go with him, but I have to stay home to take care of our baby. Do other wives protest when their husbands want a social life that doesn't include them? Am I being unreasonable? This week he stayed after a work kickball game to drink with people on the field while I was at home making him dinner. I told him dinner was ready and got a text message telling me to save him a plate, he was staying after to drink. He knows I'm not okay with him blowing me off for his social life and that I'd been cooking for him all night. But he turned his phone on silent for the next 45 minutes and ignored my response asking him to come home and not stay after. Then we talked about it the next day and he said it was unrealistic for me to expect him to want to spend every moment outside of work with me and that he wasn't at my beck and call. That's not how I was raised to understand love or respect, so I'm dumbfounded and hurt. Please someone tell me I'm not wrong here. It's not unrealistic to expect my husband to want to spend time with me when he can, especially if the alternative is drinking with the people he sees 60+ hours per week while I take care of our family.


Lauren,

I was your husband 20 years ago. I was climbing the ladder, working like a dog, and partying like an animal. In retrospect I lost valuable time with my wife and kids. They were not my priority and my wife never said a thing. She knew I was making up for "lost time". 

I look at it as one of the low points in my marriage and life. I wish I could have it back. I think it comes down to courtesy. If you are planning an evening at home and you have to track him down at night it is inconsiderate. If he has to stay late because of work then hey that happens. If it is just spur of the moment "sorry babe I am tipping a few back" with no prior notice then it is inconsiderate. He is a Dad now and should start acting the part.

By the way my first job ever was washing dishes in a fancy restaurant in a major city. I was 17. I was the only guy in the restaurant not getting laid because I was a good boy. I had plenty of waitresses who wanted to "break me in". Our chef told me one day. Your Mom thinks you work in a restaurant but I am telling you that you work in a *****house. From the few other restaurants I worked in I found that that was the typical MO.


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