# I'm obsessed-I need help!



## Azuera (Mar 24, 2011)

*Please read-I need advise*

I recently found out that my husband of 3 months (we dated for 5 years) visits dating sites. The worst part is that I found out that he had posted an advert on the site and just 4 days before our wedding had contact with a man via sms. He told the man that he had never been with a man but was open to the idea, so I guess he was originally looking for a woman. Although they did not meet it still freaks me out. Its not the fact that he had contact with a man, but just the idea that he planned to cheat on me. To my knowldege he has not contacted anyone else since but still visits the same dating website, so I am sure its not over. I don't know what to do. If I confront him I know he will just lie and accuse me of snooping. And I can't trust that he no longer has temptations to cheat. I know this must be because he his not happy in our marriage. Should I just improve all other aspects of our marriage and hope he stops wishing to cheat, should I confront him or just leave?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

*Re: Please read-I need advise*

If he were just looking at dating sites, it would be one thing. However, he took the initiative to register and place an ad. That's clearly intent to cheat. I'm not sure you can improve things within the marriage to prevent him from looking elsewhere. Since he is looking at other men, that problem is clearly beyond you.

You may want to consider moving on before you get a lot of time invested. Your marriage obviously means more to you than it does to him.


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## Azuera (Mar 24, 2011)

*Re: Please read-I need advise*

Dam it sucks to hear your own thoughts verbalised by someone else. I always thought that if something like this happened to me I would just get up and go. But now being married (even for a short while) it seems so much harder to just leave.

Why is it that guys feel that if they are not 100% satisfied with a womans body they have the RIGHT to cheat? I think this is the number one reason why he wants to cheat (although I'm not that fat - 55kg) or maybe he justs wants every possible type of crazy sex available.

...sorry off the point..thanx for you advise


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

*Re: Please read-I need advise*



Azuera said:


> Dam it sucks to hear your own thoughts verbalised by someone else. I always thought that if something like this happened to me I would just get up and go. But now being married (even for a short while) it seems so much harder to just leave.
> 
> *Why is it that guys feel that if they are not 100% satisfied with a womans body they have the RIGHT to cheat? I think this is the number one reason why he wants to cheat (although I'm not that fat - 55kg) or maybe he justs wants every possible type of crazy sex available*.
> 
> ...sorry off the point..thanx for you advise


I think you are missing the point of Aug's advice. Your weight ( unless my metric conversion is off you are not bad at all ) has little to do with your issue. Men who want to cheat, all of a sudden don't peak interest from the other side of the plate. These feelings already existed somewhere. To keep this marriage going you have to battle 2 major vices, i'm not saying it isn't possible, its just usually only men or woman start showing signs of crossing over, there is NO fix for this. He'll go out with a "bud" and u'll always wonder if this new bud is gay or not.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What do YOU want to do? Knowing that he's visiting dating sites, do you want to fix and continue your marriage, or do you want to cut your losses? I don't think anyone would blame you in either case, so what do you want?

What other areas of your marriage need to be improved? Did you live together before being married, or is this all new for both of you? The reason I'm asking that is because if this is new for you, this is supposed to be the "honeymoon" portion of your marriage, where things should be at their best (in an ideal world). If you've been living together for a number of years already, that would likely not be the case.

My first thought... If he's got an ad up on a dating site, he's looking for a date (man or woman, whatever). Even if he hasn't contacted anyone yet. And you shouldn't assume you know that he hasn't contacted anyone, unless you're a lot more technically advanced than he is.

If you want to save your marriage, I'd say confronting him and getting both of you into marriage counseling is the best option. Assuming you know what you need to improve without hearing it from him is like firing a shotgun in a dark room, hoping to hit a robber. If I've learned two things in my own failed marriage, it's that communication is key, and that making assumptions of what the other person is thinking and how they'll respond is foolish.

If he won't admit to the dating site and won't attend counseling to try to improve the marriage, you might as well start making plans to exit.

C


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## Azuera (Mar 24, 2011)

*Re: Please read-I need advise*

I knew I shouldn't have mentioned the fact that he was in contact with a man. You see..he will try everything and anything when it comes to sex..so it does not surprise me at all if its a man or a woman or anything in between.

The only reason I mentioned the weight thing was that i needed to blow off some frustration and that he has mentioned numerous times that I need to lose weight, and that men cheat on wives that are fat..yes he is obsessed about weight. So I lost weight and slowly fighting the last 5kgs.

So putting all that aside which is really not the issue..I feel betrayed that he would do such a thing and don't know what to do from here..To be honest I don't want to leave him..but I don't know how to talk to him about this and after we talk about it how to build back the trust..all I know is that I can't keep living in paranoia..its way to time consuming


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Azuera said:


> If I confront him I know he will just lie and accuse me of snooping.


What you do, is you print out the dating website with his advert and emails on it and show it to him. That way he cannot deny it. This is what I did when I found my H's stuff online. 

You need to call him out soon because guess what--he could have already met with people. That means he is putting you at risk for STDs and cheating on you.

You are only 3 months into a marriage. This is a HUGE red waving flag.


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## Azuera (Mar 24, 2011)

You are absolutely right, an intent to cheat is just the step before actually cheating. If he hasn't already cheated on me. To be honest I want to fix this and make our marriage work. I know of some of the stuff that is not working in our relationship and working on it. But this dating profile thing is hanging over me like a black cloud and I can't be a good wife knowing this. I just don't know how to confront him..this is not the first time i have found something like this..and last time he just lied..and I niavely believed him..so I don't want to be lied to again..I want it to end once and for all and know for sure that it is over


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Print out and show it to him. 

You say this isn't the first time? When was the last time it happened? Elaborate.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So to recap...

1) You're 3 months into your marriage
2) This is the second time you've caught him looking for love online
3) He's looking for gay love online
4) He's lied to you about looking for someone outside your marriage

If one of your friends came to you with this story, what would you recommend to them?

If your husband is gay, what exactly are you going to do to "fix" the marriage? While I have no problems with gay vs. straight, I'm not sure how you can resolve this. Especially if he's not willing to acknowledge his sexuality. I would NOT trust his statement that he's "open" to the idea... 

In my opinion, you guys need some serious counseling, and some open communication. You've got lieing, cheating, and sexuality issues to deal with, and you're 3 months into your marriage. If you can't get buy-in from him to address these issues, you should really consider packing your bags. I don't think you can address these on your own; you need him to address his side too. Which starts by him acknowledging there's issues to address.

C


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## Azuera (Mar 24, 2011)

A few years ago I found an sms on his phone asking for prices from a prostitute. And I have found similar emails and sms's on his phone. I have also found dating websites and strip clubs etc. in his browser history I can't tell you exactly when but its been a while.

OMG..now that I have to think back to all the times I realise how much I've just been surpressing and just hoping it was just a stage he was going though. I can't believe that I have been this stupid and allowed him to get away with murder.

I guess I have not confronted him because I figured that he would just lie and say its all ok after blaming me for being the one in the wrong for snooping. And then start deleting all his internet history and sms's. And without those I won't know what's really going on. How on earth did I become one of those stupid woman.

Sorry for rambling on..I think I've just had a break-through..and scared cause I don't know what's going to happen


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Prostitutes, gay sex, dating sites, lying, 3 months marriage.

Azuera--this is no good. 

Thing is you want him to be something he's not. 

Get tested for STDs stat.

PBear's post is spot on.


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## Azuera (Mar 24, 2011)

Thank-you PBear and JellyBeans...I don't know why I have allowed this man to take me for a ride...I'm starting to feel like a guest on Jerry Springer...and its radiculous that I've allowed it to go on for so long...

You are both right and I need to confront him NOW...I will let you know how it goes once I put my thoughts into an order so I can let him know exactly what's going on


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Azuera, you're probably right in his response. I think that would be a pretty typical reaction. He's also likely to start hiding his tracks much better. But not talking about it isn't going to make it go away. And trying to fix things by changing yourself isn't likely to make it go away either.

Sorry you're in this situation. Do you have someone you can talk to? Family or friends? Religious leader? Anyone? And you're not a "stupid woman". You just placed your trust in someone who doesn't deserve it.

C


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Make copies of what you print out.


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## Azuera (Mar 24, 2011)

Aaahh..this sounds so laime..but I don't have anyone i can talk to about this..that's why I came here..out of pure despiration


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

*Re: Please read-I need advise*



Azuera said:


> I knew I shouldn't have mentioned the fact that he was in contact with a man. You see..he will try everything and anything when it comes to sex..so it does not surprise me at all if its a man or a woman or anything in between.
> 
> The only reason I mentioned the weight thing was that i needed to blow off some frustration and that *he has mentioned numerous times that I need to lose weight, and that men cheat on wives that are fat*..yes he is obsessed about weight. So I lost weight and slowly fighting the last 5kgs.
> 
> So putting all that aside which is really not the issue..I feel betrayed that he would do such a thing and don't know what to do from here..To be honest I don't want to leave him..*but I don't know how to talk to him about this and after we talk about it how to build back the trust..all I know is that I can't keep living in paranoia..its way to time consuming*


O great, he's insensitive to you as well. He's batting 1.000!!! Very few men cheat because of weight, trust me on this. Read these threads. Men who have cheated, the majority of the time they have actractive wives at home. It is just a character flaw within themselves. They either cheat because they are opportunists, or they convince themselves they are not satisfied at home ( quantity of sex, as well as quality). Few cheat because of weight.

As for what to do, address him with your findings, tell him of your concerns and how serious you are about it. Of course you are going to get the denials, but once you are hopefully past that, get him to admit he has some issues, and what you can do to assist. If he is unwilling to do this... well then you have your answer. Inform him you'll be packing your things in the morning. That should be enough to shake him into action.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Azuera, it's not lame! Do you have money to get a personal counselor? 

And please listen to Jellybeans advise... Get tested for STD's. Some of them can cause problems even if you're not showing any symptoms.

C


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## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

Azuera said:


> Aaahh..this sounds so laime..but I don't have anyone i can talk to about this..that's why I came here..out of pure despiration


It's not lame at all - that's exactly why I'm here and I discovered my wifes affair over six years ago now. I have never discussed this with anyone other than my wife, OMW and OM (who are ex-friends). Of course we all now have our new friends on this very forum (thanks friends)


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## Azuera (Mar 24, 2011)

Oh trust me you both have opened my eyes..I'm seeing my doctor asap.

Thanx


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## Azuera (Mar 24, 2011)

*Re: Please read-I need advise*

Thanx..I guess I have just been so worried about his reaction that I've just let it be. Which is a really dumb thing to do..I'm acting like a really insecure woman..which I am not...I have to deal with this head-on..thanx for giving me the strength


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

*Re: Please read-I need advise*



Azuera said:


> I recently found out that my husband of 3 months (we dated for 5 years) visits dating sites. *The worst part is that I found out that he had posted an advert on the site and just 4 days before our wedding had contact with a man via sms.* He told the man that he had never been with a man but was open to the idea, so I guess he was originally looking for a woman. Although they did not meet it still freaks me out. Its not the fact that he had contact with a man, but just the idea that he planned to cheat on me. To my knowldege he has not contacted anyone else since but still visits the same dating website, so I am sure its not over. I don't know what to do. If I confront him I know he will just lie and accuse me of snooping. And I can't trust that he no longer has temptations to cheat. I know this must be because he his not happy in our marriage. Should I just improve all other aspects of our marriage and hope he stops wishing to cheat, should I confront him or just leave?


I am sorry that you are going through this. You need to cut your losses and move on. And yes, the fact that he is looking at men is a factor. But more importantly, the fact that he is looking to cheat PERIOD. Also, you state that his wanting to cheat stems from the fact that he isn't happy in the marriage. In your post you state that he took out the ad 4 days before the wedding. You guys weren't even married yet and he was trying to cheat. Cut your losses and move on. As far as the weight goes, there are men that would desire you just as you are. My wife has meat on her bones and I wouldn't have it any other way. Good luck.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

*Re: Please read-I need advise*

hubby is either

1 - gay or bisexual and feels he has a sames sex attraction that you can't satisfy or

2 - sexually unfulfilled and is willing to take on a guy (very available) when women aren't available

either way, you lose.

i think you need to confront him. too bad about the snooping issue. 

what's your alternative? always wondering what he is doing and thinking which night he will pass on an std to you?


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## Azuera (Mar 24, 2011)

Yeah! Most of my friends are single and the few that are married definatly won't be able to understand this...this site has saved my sanity..although I feel shaken-up..I no longer feel alone with my problem..THANX guys


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## Azuera (Mar 24, 2011)

Funny enough when I was looking for a site where married people could talk about married life..all I could find where sites where married people want to cheat..made me so angry!


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## Azuera (Mar 24, 2011)

*Re: Please read-I need advise*



Orion said:


> My wife has meat on her bones and I wouldn't have it any other way. Good luck.


Thanx Orion..we need more men like you :smthumbup:


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