# This is becoming unbearable



## shannybear123 (May 6, 2014)

Short story, dated husband for 5 years we have been married for a year and a half. Shortly after our first anniversary he started a full blown affair with a girl that works in his office's gym. She pursued him for a LONG time and knew he was married (she has a reputation for going after the married ones, since they have already been "vetted" by their wives). He was an a**hole from November to the end of January. Both to me, his friends, his family. HE was totally acting out and I had never seen this side to him. 

A friend of mine who is married to my husbands best friend, told me that she thinks my husband might be having an affair with someone in the gym. I had asked him several times during his a**hole period but he denied it every time. When I confronted him again he admitted that he had a very short lived relationship that ended in January. He said that she quit her job and no longer works in the building due to him breaking it off. We immediately started MC and he went into IC. 

He seems to be doing all of the right things, and seems genuine in truly wanting to be with me. I am grateful that I didn't catch him while the affair was happening but it is still the most painful thing I have ever been through. The OW is still trying to get him back, she sends emails proclaiming her undying love for him, and asking why he wont talk to her, and then she threatens him, and then she talks about the dirty details. He hasnt been responding to any of it (I have complete access to his email), he changed his phone number and has blocked her on all social media.

What I am struggling the most with is trusting him again. I get so obsessive and depressed that I am missing something. When he first confessed there has been some trickle truth, which I have really struggled with. However, I also didnt realize how much detail I really wanted. Now I am just finding myself completely paralyzed by how sad I am and I feel so threatened by this OW. Even though I can see that he is ignoring her (half the time thats the subject of her emails) but I cant help but just obsess over her and what she is going to say next and what they were like together. 

I recently started medication, to help control the crying and the panic attacks. How long does this last? Its been about 2 months since DDay and I just feel so consumed with all of this. When will it get easier?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It takes 2-5 YEARS to feel truly 'better' after being cheated on.

We are over 4 years out and things are mostly back to 'normal' for me, although there are times I still trigger.

The single most important factor in your recovery is your husbands treatment of you. He has to be willing to do whatever you need. If you wake up at 4 am in year 3 after having a dream that he cheated again, you have to be able to wake him up and talk it through with him. If you can't watch the news or a certain TV show because it's too painful, he'd better not tell you to get over it - he'd better soothe you and apologize again for what he did. If you can't stand the sight of that black leather couch that he got a blow job on, he'd better get rid of it IMMEDIATELY without a peep. (these are all stuff we have dealt with)

Please read this link, especially the part about a no contact letter.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Is your husband really remorseful? Why don't you find out? Give him the consequences he deserves and see if he readily accepts them. To this point, I haven't seen any real ones.

Have him write a no contact/cease and desist letter to the POSOW, threatening her with legal or criminal action. Review it yourself.

Expose him to your family and his. Post her on cheaterville.com.

Is he completely transparent with his communication devices? Does he account for his time away from you? Was there ever a time after this occurred that he feared losing his marriage?

I hope all those answers are yes.

Sorry you're here.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

If she is still able to contact him, then he hasn't sufficiently blocked her out of his life. You said he isn't responding to her, which is good, but he - and you - need to no longer see anything from her at all. She shouldn't be able to contact either of you in any way. It's good he's changed his number and has her blocked on social media. Now she needs to be blocked on his home and work email, as well as any other means of communication.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

It's feeding his ego to see her pining for him. Make it so that he can no longer receive emails from her. Get him a new email address and then change the password to his old email account. Don't tell him what it is.

If you can, put a keylogger on his computer to make sure he doesn't set up another email account that you don't know about.

The main thing is set up your boundaries, set up your dealbreakers, and then follow through if he breaks your trust. So if you tell him you'll divorce him if he does this again, make sure you have divorce paperwork drawn up with no dates on it. Let him know that if he breaks the trust, the dates get filled out and the paperwork filed.

It doesn't have to be that extreme but just giving you ideas here.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Everyone has their "deal breakers". Him already cheating within a year of being married would be a deal breaker for me. If I were you it would be over. PERIOD. No kids (I'm assuming that), not even married 2 years. I would run from this.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

:iagree: You should still be in your honeymoon period. You don't have all that much time invested in him. Might be better to walk.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

barbados said:


> Everyone has their "deal breakers". Him already cheating within a year of being married would be a deal breaker for me. If I were you it would be over. PERIOD. No kids (I'm assuming that), not even married 2 years. I would run from this.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:



sandc said:


> :iagree: You should still be in your honeymoon period. You don't have all that much time invested in him. Might be better to walk.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Why has your husband not blocked the OW's email and phone number?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

YOU tell YOUR H, YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW TO CONTACT HIS LOVER----THEN YOU SEND HER THE FOLLOWING REGISTERED LETTER

You tell her the next time she attempts contact of any kind with your H---you will file a civil action agst. her for Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress----and do not be nice about what else you put in the letter.

also if your H balks about anything you do or want to do----play hardball with him, and tell him you can put D on the table if he does not want to coop with you

If he asks why you are doing this----your answer is---I AM PROTECTING MY MGE.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Has he told his parents? I would tell him I need to see him do that, to be sure that he means it when he says he's sorry.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

What you have experienced is very traumatic and I am sorry for your pain. Being "obsessed" over details is a very normal tendency, probably something that needs to be resisted if possible, but normal none-the-less. It will get easier over time as long as you and your husband continue down the road of healing. As far as trusting your husband goes, that is something that is built over time. It does not happen in a moment nor in a flash. There is a book that I highly recommend called _Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity_ by Gary and Mona Shriver. 

Have you guys considered closing the e-mail account where she sends him these messages? Even though he is ignoring them, they are a constant reminder to you that she is out there. Kind of like a scab that keeps getting torn off. Open and honest communication is still the best answer and provides a solid foundation for complete healing in your marriage. My prayers are with you.


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## shannybear123 (May 6, 2014)

Thanks everyone, I have access to everything except his work email. He does not have a way to block her permanently or change his email address without getting HR involved (he works at a bank so they are really weird about email stuff). We both worry that if HR gets involved he may lose his job. 

I have already exposed him to some of our close friends and our immediate families. His brother is getting married in a few weeks and has kicked him out of the best man position. Everyone has been rallying around me to help which has been good. 

He does actually seem to be truly remorseful, when this was first exposed a few months ago my first instict was to run but I wanted to make any large decisions with a clear head so I agreed to MC which has really helped us both. In some ways, I feel like I know more about him now than I did before we were married, and a lot of it has been positive. He has also worked hard to be the support I need and is very willing to do whatever I tell him I need from him. I just dont always know what I need or what will make me feel better.

I am really sad this happened so early in our marriage, and I am glad that we don't have kids. I don't know how anyone can go through this and manage to take care of children at the same time. I can barely go to work every day. 

Also, I am not familiar with the laws but is it really possible to threaten legal action for emotional distress?


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Your situation just sucks. Cheating so fast is just unimaginable to me. I think the best hope is that the counseling reveals something about his makeup that he can recognize is truly effed up. Then, you have to hope and pray he actually wants to do something about it.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

shannybear123 said:


> Also, I am not familiar with the laws but is it really possible to threaten legal action for emotional distress?


Yes, in a civil setting. The continued unwanted messages from her could be a criminal offense, once your husband has sent her a cease and desist demand.

Notice I said your husband, not you. He needs to start with that no contact letter.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

shannybear123 said:


> He does actually seem to be truly remorseful, when this was first exposed a few months ago my first instict was to run but I wanted to make any large decisions with a clear head so I agreed to MC which has really helped us both. In some ways, I feel like I know more about him now than I did before we were married, and a lot of it has been positive. He has also worked hard to be the support I need and is very willing to do whatever I tell him I need from him. I just dont always know what I need or what will make me feel better


Shannybear, I am assuming that in MC, your WH disclosed his reasons for cheating. What were they? As it has been previously mentioned, cheating this early in the relationship is extremely odd and makes me wonder if he has other, deeper issues going on. Are his original parents still married? Were there any other indicators/red flags that made you go "hmmmm"?


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## shannybear123 (May 6, 2014)

Rushwater said:


> Shannybear, I am assuming that in MC, your WH disclosed his reasons for cheating. What were they? As it has been previously mentioned, cheating this early in the relationship is extremely odd and makes me wonder if he has other, deeper issues going on. Are his original parents still married? Were there any other indicators/red flags that made you go "hmmmm"?



It is really odd and there are obviously deeper issues going on. I had been with him for several years and he has never ever acted out this way, he was always so excited to be with me and he seemed thrilled to be marrying me. Through MC and his IC we have determined there were several reasons for it. He sort of freaked out from the permanence of marriage in the first year and was confused whether this was truly what he wanted. (Our MC said this was much more common than people realize, it just doesn't usually result in an affair) He said that he realizes now that he had a very immature expectation of marriage and what it was supposed to be like. He also had really unreasonable expectations of me. His family is really messed up. His parents are still together but they have a really strange relationship that I don't envy in the slightest. He has a helicopter mom who has always been willing to give him anything and everything he ever wanted and I think deep down he sort of assumed I would be that way. I am a pretty independent person and my marriage isn't my entire life. It is a big part of it, but it doesn't define me.

Another reason (and I hate to blame the OW) but the OW was deliberately trying to "win" him our entire first year of marriage. I had even met her at a hockey game and she just was a little TOO excited to see him. He blew her off and was showing me emails she was sending him that night wanting to meet up with us for drinks, he didnt have her phone number at the time. He said she was really annoying, but I think eventually she wore him down.

When this all started, I was having a really difficult time, my parents announced they were getting divorced because my dad was having an affair with a woman only a few years older than me. They were married 28 years. I felt like my world had blown apart. So in the fall, leading up to all of this, I was really depressed and moody and not much fun to be around, it wasnt my fault he had an affair, but it certainly didnt help that I was having such a hard time and he had this bouncy happy girl who was just obsessed with him and willing to give him all the attention he wanted. 

He sees how selfish and terrible all of this was. He was never like this before, he has always been really nurturing and ready to help me if something goes wrong. But this was just the perfect storm of problems and opportunities and he made every wrong decision he could. In January, he said it hit him what he was doing and he started coming out of the fog, realizing that his relationship with her wasnt real, and this was not the person he wanted to be. He started to work on himself, reading books, going to church, doing some soul searching, talking to me more. Between January and March, things were really starting to look up. The DDay happened and it has just been one day at a time. I just want the pain to stop. This has been a really difficult year for me, and I feel so disillusioned. I know this was a long post. It has been really helpful for me to get it all out there like this though, I dont really feel like I can talk to friends or family about this, because no one understands what it is like.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

shannybear123 said:


> Thanks everyone, I have access to everything except his work email. He does not have a way to block her permanently or change his email address without getting HR involved (he works at a bank so they are really weird about email stuff). We both worry that if HR gets involved he may lose his job.
> 
> I have already exposed him to some of our close friends and our immediate families. His brother is getting married in a few weeks and has kicked him out of the best man position. Everyone has been rallying around me to help which has been good.
> 
> ...



I am 3 years out this May. I went through hell before I went on any medication, I waited, May '11 to Nov'13. Worst mistake of my life!!! You are so smart to jump on that band wagon when you did. Not just the affair, but the options, and choices that one now is face with can be so overwhelming in ways that one cant even imagine yet, as you will see this journey is just beginning. 
Please read the follow link, let me know if it doesn't post thur and I ll re-post. 

-sammy



>>Infidelity is more than betrayal....it is traumatic! Some people think it unfathomable that someone could experience severe trauma following the disclosure of a spouses infidelity They can imagine how natural disasters, accidents, robberies or war could cause PTSD because the threat of physical harm and horror are imaginable. People can visualize dead bodies, mangled limbs, having your possessions taken from you at gunpoint, yet it's very hard to visualize trauma to the heart. Infidelity wounds are invisible to the eye, so those who have never experienced infidelity see the torment of the betrayed spouse as an overreaction. They have a hard time fathoming how the horror of powerlessness and helplessness can be felt in a situation that hasn't caused any physical damage. <<





Read more at: Infidelity causes severe trauma, but it's not your fault
Copyright © www.healingafteraffiars-bloomington.info


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

His betrayal of you is something you are going to have to live with for as long as you are with him. It heart wrenching and R will take years. Read about R on here so you know what is ahead of you.

Tough I know, but it taints everything no matter how well he treats you. There will always be that doubt. 

When kids come along it puts a lot of stress on a marriage. He couldn't even take stress in the first year when you were understandably upset about your parents which would not be as stressful as a new baby arriving for example. Instead of supporting you as a husband should he ran off with an office hussy and gave you and everyone else a hard time into the bargain. It doesn't bode well for the future. 

By the way she didn't wear him down. He did it because HE wanted to. 

He has a helicopter Mum - figures - he's used to women 'spoiling' him. And when you couldn't and you were feeling sad about your parents he went somewhere else for attention.

If you can at all I'd be looking at creating a future with someone else because you are still in the 'honeymoon' period. Pretty outrageous when you think about it. 

After him doing this so early on, you will never trust him 100% in the way a wife should and would want to. 

Sorry to be so bleak about it. I'm speaking from experience. Same thing happened to me early on.
Run. . . 
I didn't but I wish I had.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Shanny---you can definitely sue for Emtional Distress------google INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS----you will see the main element is outrageous conduct----going after a married man, specially when the married man has told her to stop---most definitely satisfies the main element of outrageous conduct

If nothing else send her the registered letter threatening the civil action---see where things go from there


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

You have to start building new memories. Go on a vacation, cruise, etc.


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