# Help - Issue of Thirty Day Separation



## jonnydee (Jan 14, 2009)

Any help is appreciated.

We've been struggling. We're both in therapy. Finally I suggested a thirty-day in-house separation. She saw her therapist--therapist agreed. We started--I sleep downstairs. Five days into it she emails me to say it isn't working and would I move out. I agree. I find a place to stay and move some of my things. Nothing in writing. No discussion about the goals of the separation. No what's to happen at the end. 

That was yesterday. Today I realized that 1) I don't want to separate, she does, so why am I moving out?, and 2) I may be ceding some of my legal rights by being the one to move out. Is that true?

Saw her when she came home tonight (I was home cooking dinner and hanging with the kids.) She wasn't happy to see me until I said I was staying the night. Then she got short and just basically walked by and didn't want to talk about it. I feel bad--but I'm also scared that I may be putting myself at jeopardy for moving out. Yes? No?

jd


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

im in agreeance with the DONT MOVE OUT SCENARIO.
when i was getin divorced my solicitor told me not to move out.
as hard as it was at the time.
the ex left, he did go but he had been having an affair, so i suppose it was easier because she had her own place.
i'd def say if there is no one else involved stick in there.
until n e thing can be negotiated legally.


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## jonnydee (Jan 14, 2009)

Justean - thanks.

I have been willing to do anything to keep us together. But moving out may not be best.

I didn't mention that after I suggested we do the in-house separation--which she (and therapist) agreed to on Monday, I broke my collar bone skiing Wednesday. She emailed me (I was downstairs at the time) on Friday saying it wasn't working and would I move out. I should have right then said, "C'mon. I'm laying here in pain with a broken bone!" But I was so hurt I said, "Ok." I wrote her back, "I can't do much with this broken bone." She said, "I'll pack for you." So very nice of her.

Then she saw her therapist yesterday (Monday) and sent me an email outlining the days and times I could "visit." I added them up; 17 hours, 9 of them outside the house. So I'd be distant-daddy hanging out with them at a coffee shop.

But like I wrote earlier, I don't want the separation. I do want to do whatever it takes, but without any set goals that we agree on, without better guidelines about time with the kids, and without me being persuaded that it does not in fact hurt me legally to move out, I'm staying.

Much of my motivation is guided by me thinking, "If I do this, I'll show her that I really love her and she'll start loving me again." Doesn't seem to be working!


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Don't move out. Tell her you are willing to work, but don't feel comfortable moving out right now.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

At this point, it's probably important she understands that your reason for coming back home is not because you are making some sort of stand or wanting to upset her, you are just not ready to take that step at this point. If she really wants to live apart, let her make the move.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

give her the distance she is asking for in the house.
i think if you want to make it, you have to and i tell most ppl, try the reverse psychology.
dont pay attention. really leave her alone and try to just get on with your daily activities.
i guarantee just stay nice and keep your cool.
dont pay attention to her.
i also guarantee your actions wil make her wonder in hindsight.
because she wont expect you to think your moving on.
like i said reverse psychology.
as for the distant daddy outside a coffee place - 
there are plenty of places to take the children and you have to learn to bond with them again through this new experience.
your wife may actually look at you in a different light.
your swaying her thoughts and you dont even realise your doing it.


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## jonnydee (Jan 14, 2009)

Thanks all, for your advice.

I am back in the house but feel worse than ever. Before at least she was nice to me, and we seemed to be working at a (vague) shared goal. Though, honestly, since very little was defined about the goals of the 30 day separation and had already once changed what we agreed on (five days into it she "changed her mind" and said I actually needed to be physically out of the house), I don't know if after the 30 days I would have returned home or what.

Since she came home last night and learned that I was going to stay in the house until we clarified things, she hasn't spoken to me. I emailed her this am, after reading one of the comments about letting her know I wasn't taking a stand and not trying to hurt her, she finally, hours and hours later, emailed me back to say that her therapist said we need to meet with a collaborative lawyer hear what the legalities are and how to "set this up." Yikes. I feel like I effed it up. Now the lawyers are gonna get involved. I'm scared. I guess she means a full legal separation? I didn't think we were headed in that direction. Was I just in denial? 

She's going to argue that I should be the one to move out as I caused her so much emotional/psychological pain. I've admitted in emails as much. But I don't want the separation. I'm not abusive at all--to her or the kids. I have had anger attacks but they are infrequent. Gawd I'm scared. We can't afford--and she knows this--for one of us to move out to an apartment. And she's said that she knows that. Maybe we can work out an in-house separation with much better guidelines for not sharing the same physical space?

I'm rambling. Sorry. Can't help it.

jd


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## jonnydee (Jan 14, 2009)

Thanks, Justean. I'll try it. I took her off of my facebook--hurts too much to see her updates. I took her off of gmail chat--don't want to see her pop up when I'm logged in. I guess with the lawyer getting involved guidelines will be set quickly.

jd


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

With a collaborative lawyer, it still means you both have a say in how this will play out. I think you have good reason to suggest an in-house separation with the finiancial strain, just be open to the guidelines with that so she feels she's still getting the space she needs. And I think Justean's advice and the steps you've taken above will give her some sense of space.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

jonnydee said:


> Thanks, Justean. I'll try it. I took her off of my facebook--hurts too much to see her updates. I took her off of gmail chat--don't want to see her pop up when I'm logged in. I guess with the lawyer getting involved guidelines will be set quickly.
> 
> jd


i think this would b for the best in your situation. a suggestion , stop the emails. but again this is part of your reverse psychology with her.
note none of what i suggest is a quick fix, it takes time.
you wil stil go through all the battles and emotions inside your head. just try and stay focused.
oh one more tip and i promise this works also. 
go out with some mates and have some fun.
you need it.
make sure when she is home, when you dress up and put on the hottest aftershave you have ever put on b 4.
something you know that she likes.
when my H did this and vice versa - it killed me everytime with jealousy and anxiety. the "am i losing him syndrome" and OMG he "might meet someone else, if i dont want him and do i want that really".
you have to test the waters on this. but you might only see things really happen a few months down the line - its called the waiting game. 
i think im an expert on this. the last time my H and i split, i knew exactly which move to play and for me I was on the spot 100% of the time. 
just try a bit of forward thinking.

as im not in your situation, but having heard the words divorce etc. my H and I have done this many times to eachother.
until it happens, try not to feel plagued by it and force her hand.
if its her that wants the divorce, tell her its up to her to start the ball rolling.
My H and i do this to eachother to. its really hard when that form is infront of you and you have to sign it for good and you know your having to move on for real.


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## jonnydee (Jan 14, 2009)

Thanks, again, Justean. Just now I was on the verge of texting her and asking if the roads are bad (she's skiing with two of the kids). But I'm not going to.

I'll just avoid her as much as I can. And go out to have fun with friends. And I won't email her anymore.

I feel like crows are ripping off bits of my heart.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

im sorry for your feelings and i know it hurts. but your emotions will change as you change. you need the space yourself and believe me you are normal as normal can b as is your relationship having its normal turbulent times.


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## jonnydee (Jan 14, 2009)

Thank you. Appreciate your kind words.

jd


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