# Our words make a difference.



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

So my husband is working on his wording more now, both at work and at home. Co-workers have said that he sometimes says things that come off with the wrong meaning. So he is working on it and has often asked for my help.

Back story: A few weeks ago we were in bed. It was a full moon and the light from it cast into our bedroom. We were all hot and heavy and he stops and says "You look great (long pause)... in moonlight". Ack! We carried on but afterward I explained that sometimes the WAY you say something can take on a very different tone. I used the analogy of "She has a face that can stop time" vs. "She has a face that can stop a clock". Same jist but VERY different tone. He then said "Okay, what I meant to say is I love the way the moon hit's your face. You look so great". I thanked him for the nice compliment. 

Today, I got home after him. Normally I am home first and have changed into workout clothes. He leaves before me and comes home after me so he rarely sees what I wear to work. 
So I walk through the back door and he is standing in the kitchen. He looks at me and says "You look great (long pause) today. (Pause, pause) what I meant to say is today you look great, (pause) crap, what I really mean is you look great". I smiled and said that I knew what he meant each time and thank you so much for making the effort. It was pretty funny and we both got a good laugh out of it. 

Perhaps men and women just communicate differently. Giving a compliment isn't usually difficult for women but perhaps for men? Or maybe he just isn't smooth in that department. 

God bless him though, he is trying.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Brennan said:


> So my husband is working on his wording more now, both at work and at home. Co-workers have said that he sometimes says things that come off with the wrong meaning. So he is working on it and has often asked for my help.
> 
> Back story: A few weeks ago we were in bed. It was a full moon and the light from it cast into our bedroom. We were all hot and heavy and he stops and says "You look great (long pause)... in moonlight". Ack! We carried on but afterward I explained that sometimes the WAY you say something can take on a very different tone. I used the analogy of "She has a face that can stop time" vs. "She has a face that can stop a clock". Same jist but VERY different tone. He then said "Okay, what I meant to say is I love the way the moon hit's your face. You look so great". I thanked him for the nice compliment.
> 
> ...


Love this! That is all.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Sounds like he's trying to find his feet, or his voice. Kudos on looking great naked in moonlight.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Whoa...Brennan-no wonder he seems to have to backtrack when he pays you a compliment. He thinks that you will pick apart every word he says and use it against him. (Right now, I feel that I'm running the risk of your wrath, but I'll keep on going.) Personally, I like thta moonlight comment, and I may use it myself, but when he said it, you probably felt that he was saying "You look great in moonlight-but you look like a sack of doorknobs in the daytime!!!"
If my wife started doing that, well, the compliments would also have to be "edited", and eventually, they would cease. It sorta reminds me one day when we were newly married: It was a 100 degree-plus day in summer, and the W made me some kool-aid and gave it to me when I came home. I downed the glass, and said "That's Perfect!" So, she looks at me strangely and says: "Oh, so all the other times were no good?" 

Come on, it was hot, and cold sewer water would have been perfect at the time, but I started backtracking: "Uh, no, I mean...That is..."

Now, maybe your H is indeed the master of "Open Mouth-Insert Foot", but if you keep nitpicking his words, the compliments may soon fade away.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

All I can say is be careful here.

Part of our dysfunction at the end of my marriage was me trying to give her compliments and her not accepting them and twisting them out of resentment into opposite meanings. However she could twist my words, she did.

I don't pretend to know all of your issues but to me, saying, "You look great today." is an honest, genuine compliment not to be twisted into something like, "YOu look like crap all the other days."

You need to let go of your resentment.

Your husband is not only trying. . .he's going above and beyond the call of duty in putting up with that kind of criticism. It hurts deep when you don't accept a compliment in the spirit that it is given.

And if you wanted a gift for your anniversary, you should have said, "It's important to me that we celebrate our anniversary this year. Let's go out and get me something sentimental, or let's plan a trip together. What would you prefer?"

I get tired of the mind reading expectations from some women. At least my last gf said, "I want a keepsake for Valentine's Day." so it let me go beyond flowers and chocolate.

Sorry to be blunt once again but you just don't have my sympathy on this.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Micromanagement of word choice leads to walking on eggshells.

Pretty soon, one party will simply give up.

It's inevitable.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> And if you wanted a gift for your anniversary, you should have said, "It's important to me that we celebrate our anniversary this year. Let's go out and get me something sentimental, or let's plan a trip together. What would you prefer?"
> 
> I get tired of the mind reading expectations from some women. At least my last gf said, "I want a keepsake for Valentine's Day." so it let me go beyond flowers and chocolate.


Ha ha ha, 

That's what I do all the time. When I want something, I just tell my husband, and we go buy it together. I always get to have what we both like. 

I love flowers, my husband didn't buy me flowers when we were dating. It wasn't a bit deal. Now my husband knows that I love flowers so much, he just takes me to flower shops every week and he lets me choose whatever I like. Even he likes flowers now. 

My husband told me long time ago that men aren't mind readers, they don't have a crystal ball. Just tell them what we like and what we don't like, never try to test them and let them figure out what we like. 

When I hear good comments, I ha ha ha laugh, never think for a second what he really means. But if I hear bad comments, I ponder, I think hard what it means, then I work on myself. 

In my life, good comments make me happy. Bad comments really help me improve. Make me strong. 

Sometimes I thank people who hurt me and insulted me. They make me a stronger person!!!


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I got from the shared experience that her husband is willing to try and considering Brennan's problem was his lack of interest it could be a starting point rather than an inevitable let down.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Scanner what gift for her anniversary? Are you confusing Brennan with Amanda on the forums or am I missing something?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Okay, rather than preaching here. . .Brennan. . .Trenton (you said you love this). . .are you getting some kind of power-trip out of doing this to your men?

I know we are physically stronger. . .so is this some kind of emotional leverage that you women gain over us? Do you learn this from your mothers?


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Okay, rather than preaching here. . .Brennan. . .Trenton (you said you love this). . .are you getting some kind of power-trip out of doing this to your men?
> 
> I know we are physically stronger. . .so is this some kind of emotional leverage that you women gain over us? Do you learn this from your mothers?


Wait...what have I done? 

My husband and Brennan's husband couldn't be more different. I will need to send you the cliff notes (dated reference for your enjoyment) before I answer any pointed questions with barbed wire on top.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Trenton,

Sorry if I was mixed up. . .a lot of you are indeed running together in my head, like a 1rst Wives Club or something.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Trenton,
> 
> Sorry if I was mixed up. . .a lot of you are indeed running together in my head, like a 1rst Wives Club or something.


Eh, I get that. You need a better database in your head for rubbish. Brennan's husband would most likely be able to help you with that. It's cool.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Trenton said:


> Wait...what have I done?
> 
> My husband and Brennan's husband couldn't be more different. I will need to send you the cliff notes (dated reference for your enjoyment) before I answer any pointed questions with barbed wire on top.


I'm going to take a wild guess that Scanner is referring to your admission that you constantly sh!t test your husband.

I could be wrong though. I have been wrong once before.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> All I can say is be careful here.
> 
> Part of our dysfunction at the end of my marriage was me trying to give her compliments and her not accepting them and twisting them out of resentment into opposite meanings. However she could twist my words, she did.
> 
> ...


Um, have you been drinking? I NEVER said that his compliment wasn't well received AT ALL!! What I said was that sometimes what comes out of his mouth is not as he intended. The "You look great today" was the part I LOVED the most after he had realized that the other part was a tad off and he found his true voice. As I wrote, I smiled and we laughed about it. And I further wrote that he is trying and God bless him for that. WTH, Scanner?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Okay, rather than preaching here. . .Brennan. . .Trenton (you said you love this). . .are you getting some kind of power-trip out of doing this to your men?
> 
> I know we are physically stronger. . .so is this some kind of emotional leverage that you women gain over us? Do you learn this from your mothers?


WHAT? 

Seriously, please re-read what I wrote. I talked about how I APPRECIATED how much he worked to get his words out. Again, we both smiled and hugged. It was awesome and him showing that he is working is wonderful.

Why the hate, Scanner? Wow!!


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Brennan said:


> Um, have you been drinking? I NEVER said that his compliment wasn't well received AT ALL!! What I said was that sometimes what comes out of his mouth is not as he intended. The "You look great today" was the part I LOVED the most after he had realized that the other part was a tad off and he found his true voice. As I wrote, I smiled and we laughed about it. And I further wrote that he is trying and God bless him for that. WTH, Scanner?


My wife and I both do this. I will intend to give a compliment, then something comes bubbling out of my mouth and I think, "What the Hell was that?", and we both laugh. We know the intent was a compliment, but something else was said to skew the meaning.
Laugh about it together and realize that we can all be fools from time to time, but men have more practice at being idiots.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

DanF said:


> My wife and I both do this. I will intend to give a compliment, then something comes bubbling out of my mouth and I think, "What the Hell was that?", and we both laugh. We know the intent was a compliment, but something else was said to skew the meaning.
> Laugh about it together and realize that we can all be fools from time to time, but men have more practice at being idiots.


Dan,
Exactly! That's what we did earlier. He is working on his communication skills both for work and with me. He asked me for help. We both laughed and it is a funny moment for us. I have know idea how that turns me into a ball buster or whatever else is being suggested. He is really trying and I appreciated that! That was the purpose of my post. To compliment his new found skills.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I'm going to take a wild guess that Scanner is referring to your admission that you constantly sh!t test your husband.
> 
> I could be wrong though. I have been wrong once before.


Fitness test, yes, I do but I don't think Scanner refers to this. Haven't we hashed out that fitness tests are a chance for a man to shine rather than wilt? Maybe in GP's world men are all happy boner, ride me and suck me and life is good all the time but in my world marriage is a difficult thing that takes work. You add kids to that mix and for each kid you can add another difficulty. I love my husband but that doesn't mean I'm going to put up with crap (that smells) and pretend I'm happy about it because I'm a submissive woman. 

The equation is simple and universal. Value me for what I am worth, I value you for what you're worth and I will treat you like a King who deserves the most kinky, yet beautiful $ex scene ever imagined. Treat me like dirt and disrespect my worth and I'll test you until you understand me.

I will make room for mistakes. I will try to be understanding. I will remember all the reasons I chose him over anyone else in the entire world but I won't for one second believe that this is it unless this is it.

Nothing is written in stone. Relationships are fluid and believing they are a blanket of cozy warmth with one single equation is naive and ignorant. 

Just my evening rant.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Oh this thread is great... tonight. 

No I mean, tonight this is just great. 

No! Wait. I mean... OH GREAT!  

:rofl: :lol: Brennan I know exactly what you mean. When you're first aware of something and trying to learn a new "habit" (like letting your hubby have his own experience) at first you practice, and it feels sort of unnatural, and it comes out all wrong, and it's kind of funny...but just making the effort at it is appreciated. And with some practice it will get smoother or more natural feeling. Meanwhile--It's a darn good giggle (like this) !


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Have to admit, it is easy to see this as 'you just have to love this dumb man' without looking deeper. And its posted on the Men's Clubhouse, which is kind've like asking for a man's response, despite all the female responses.

BTW - my twin daughters have t-shirts with the quote on your name tag from Princess Bride. My daughters and I watch it often. "I donna' think that word means what you think it does," is another phrase that is bantered about our home.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Affaircare-great post!
Takris, you beat me to the punch. When you come to the men's clubhouse, you're gonna get "men's" responses, and no, they are not always going to be empathizing, sensitive or even nice.

When you go into the Ladies Lounge, you get a scene in your head like you're entering Versailles Court in the reign of Louis XIV. Everything seems welcoming, cultured, refined and warm-you half expect a eunuch to present you with wine!

When you go into the Men's Clubhouse, it's more like the beginning of 2001-A Space Odyssey; you know, the scene with the apes?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

takris said:


> "I donna' think that word means what you think it does,"


:lol: :smthumbup:  

Love it!

Women's lounge smells like a cheap perfume store to me! Plus they'd be putting me through fitness tests and I wouldn't even realize it.

Compliments are good.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Don't understand what your men are talking about!:scratchhead:

If they are rude comments, I don't like it!

I respect men, but I don't think that men should act coxky!


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Thats funny and cute Brennan 

when hubs gets really excited about something he'll stutter, slur his words, and do everything he can to screw up the sentance coming out of his mouth, so bad, it makes you feel bad for the sentance. Like a gittery little kid who just got the coolest thing ever for christmas. (tihs is usually how our D&D or any nerd game convos start)

I always pick on him a little. like "Ok hun, sloww down, Remember, I speak english"

the pausing is funny, if you take time to listen, we all have weird speach impediments (sp? oi.) Hubs and I stutter, some people pause, some squeak, and some trip over their teeth with their tongue.

I too, stutter when I get really really excited over something, its always one of those face-palm moments, and gives hubs the opportunity to pick back at me


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Hey, I wasn't the only guy who thought the tone of your post was condescending and judging towards your husband. That's not "hate"; it was just a lecture you needed to hear from Papa.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

But my sexist self was under the impression that the responses that lacked any sense would come from the ladies lounge from female posters with the audacity to post while they had their period!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I posted in the Men's forum because there was a question for them. It was "do men have a difficult time communicating"? That was why I posted it here. It was also a follow up of sorts to my earlier post about me being hurt about a song. This post was to show that we are trying and at best, it was a good laugh. 
If my post came across as judging or anything else, well that is my fault and I apologize. It was in no way intended that way. He made an honest effort, is working on his communication skills both at work and at home and I sincerely appreciated his efforts. 
For what it's worth, it turned out to be a fantastic evening. One thing checked off of both our bucket lists.*wink*


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Micromanagement of word choice leads to walking on eggshells.
> 
> Pretty soon, one party will simply give up.
> 
> It's inevitable.


I didn’t even know I was walking on eggshells until separated for quite a while. Then I discovered they were everywhere. Kitchen, sitting room, garage, bathroom, hallway …. darn things were all over the place lol.

Bob


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Brennan said:


> I posted in the Men's forum because there was a question for them. It was "do men have a difficult time communicating"? That was why I posted it here. It was also a follow up of sorts to my earlier post about me being hurt about a song. This post was to show that we are trying and at best, it was a good laugh.
> If my post came across as judging or anything else, well that is my fault and I apologize. It was in no way intended that way. He made an honest effort, is working on his communication skills both at work and at home and I sincerely appreciated his efforts.
> For what it's worth, it turned out to be a fantastic evening. One thing checked off of both our bucket lists.*wink*


Here’s my take Brennan. As a successful project manager or director your H will have superb communication skills. Even more so if he doesn’t have his own direct reports and is working through matrix management.

Without really good communication and people management/leadership/motivation skills he wouldn’t be so successful at his work. In fact he wouldn’t last long as a project manager without them.

Bob


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Trenton said:


> Fitness test, yes, I do but I don't think Scanner refers to this. Haven't we hashed out that fitness tests are a chance for a man to shine rather than wilt? Maybe in GP's world men are all happy boner, ride me and suck me and life is good all the time but in my world marriage is a difficult thing that takes work. You add kids to that mix and for each kid you can add another difficulty. I love my husband but that doesn't mean I'm going to put up with crap (that smells) and pretend I'm happy about it because I'm a submissive woman.
> 
> The equation is simple and universal. Value me for what I am worth, I value you for what you're worth and I will treat you like a King who deserves the most kinky, yet beautiful $ex scene ever imagined. Treat me like dirt and disrespect my worth and I'll test you until you understand me.
> 
> ...


I don't think we've hashed that out at all.

They're a "test" pure and simple.

For those men looking for acceptance or a bit of nurture - or those that have been ground down by life? They're a bloody minefield. There isn't a man alive that hasn't watched his wife compassionately look after the children that hasn't indulged the thought "who the hell is this?"

I don't think your benign interpretation of them is on point at all.

Only a man connected to his inner warrior - and understanding the stakes of the game being thrust upon him comes out with his skin intact.

If you don't believe this, look at posts #1-10 from damned near any man who enters this forum.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Conrad said:


> I don't think we've hashed that out at all.
> 
> They're a "test" pure and simple.
> 
> ...


This is very dramatic. I have to digest it.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Brennan said:


> Back story: A few weeks ago we were in bed. It was a full moon and the light from it cast into our bedroom. We were all hot and heavy and he stops and says "You look great (long pause)... in moonlight".


Well, i used to do exactly what your husband did when paying my husband compliments or when trying to talk about something i was ashamed to talk about. 

The sole reason for that was that i was intimidated by husband on multiple occasions and had to seriously consider the worlds i was using to avoid pissing him off. The interesting thing is that with other people i didn't have such problems and they perceived me as confident and to the point. 

I don't know if it's your case, but...maybe instead of asking him to change his way of communication or questioning whether he can communicate efficiently, you should try determine whether he's by any chance intimidated by you? Don't take this as an offense. If he loves you and is a nice guy, he'll be intimidated because he might care about how you see him and not want to disappoint. 


> Um, have you been drinking?


See, if you do this to him, even in joking, occasionally (i'm not pointing fingers or anything so don't misunderstand me) and he's the nice, more people pleasing kind of person...he'll probably go defensive and choose his words extremely carefully which will lead in long pauses and possibly meaningless blabbing for some people. 

What i said above is just a theory meant to help you figure things out. If it doesn't, you don't feel like it has anything to do with your life etc...just ignore it .

Because i was intimidated by my husband and on the rather low self esteem side some talks with him used to sound like ....i'd really love to (in my mind : have sex with you right now...followed by ...ah if i say that, he seems tired, he'll probably get angry...) pause, pause, give you a massage (in my mind : maybe he'll be more relaxed and get in the mood)pause, pause...if you'd like one...
His response: "nah, not right now thanks. In my mind : damn. 

Then i decided that i don't care what he thinks, that i should be accepted for who i am in my marriage because i have a personality and i shouldn't allow him to intimidate me. We're both much happier this way. 

Now they sound like : How are you feeling? I'm going to go take a quick shower. want me to come out wearing something hot?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I always tell my wife that I am so lucky to have her, and she jokingly comes back with "Oh, Really?" I know she's kidding and I like to kid, too, but- sometimes I just want her to accept it graciously, for chrissakes!


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