# friends with member of the opposite sex



## sparkle4 (Jun 12, 2010)

Just wondering what people think about married people having friends of the opposite sex.

My husband has had a EA about 9 years ago. I have trust issues. Over the past 9 years he has told me about 2 other women that he was hanging out with at him AA meetings. Just recently he was playing hacky sack with a group of people and everyone but him and this one girl left. He says this has happened a couple of times with the same girl. He plays a few times a week for about the past 6 weeks. He and this girl stayed playing for a couple of hours. He thinks it is ok but he said he was uneasy because he knew I would be upset. We have been fighting about other things for over a week now and he just told me about this. He says he should not have to feel guilty about it but because he knows I would not like it he does and it makes him mad. He says I should just trust him and not care as long as he does not sleep with anyone. Am I being unreasonable to insist this not happen.

Just wondering how does everyone else feel about their spouses hanging out with members of the opposite sex.


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

My wife has always had more male friends than female friends, since before I started dating her. When I started dating her, 5 years ago (married for about 1 year now) up until now, she has never tried to hang out ALONE with another man. The male friends she had were incorporated in our plans and I was always ok with that. Recently, she has been talking a lot with another man, hiding text messages from me, and seeking to do things with him alone. I have a whole thread about this, so I won't steal your thread... But the bottom line is, I think my wife is cheating on me. Whether or not that is actually true, doesn't even matter at this point. The fact that she is doing things that make me think that falls under "unacceptable behavior" to me. This is a recent thing for me and I am at the point of gathering evidence and confronting her about her relationship with him.

If what your husband is doing makes you uncomfortable, you need to tell him. That alone should mean something to him. I personally do not think it's appropriate for a married person to hang out alone with members of the opposite sex. It just sends bad messages. I do not think you are being paranoid or unreasonable at all.


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## sparkle4 (Jun 12, 2010)

I just wanted to update this topic. My husband admitted to me last night that he did have feelings about it, it did cross his mind what if, and he did think if things went right he might have done something with her. I am not saying this about all men, just mine. The line is so thin between these types of relationships that the slightest bit of trouble in a marriage might cause the spouse to react badly when placed in this situation.

Hunt thank you for your input, I can tell you know a little something about AA, his sponsor is not very good he does not go to the late night meetings my husband does, he goes during the day and has not made himself available. My husband could really use someone to help him stay on track.


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## sparkle4 (Jun 12, 2010)

there is an infatuation and he is still playing hacky sack, the few times it was her and him left playing he did not leave but nothing happened now he is still playing hacky sack but feels she may not be interested in him the way he thought she was. My husband is a sick man he does not have anyone to talk to about these things so he tells me, no we are fighting everyday and I am the bad guy because I don’t want him to go, he says he wants his freedom and I am holding him down. He thinks he should be able to come and go as he wants to. We have four kids 19, 17, 15, and 9. But I hold him back for doing what he wants. My opinion he is heading down a bad path, these people he plays with are all single, no kids to be home for etc. they make freedom look good. He knows what he is doing is wrong he is acting the same irresponsible way he did when he drank. He does not see it that way though he just thinks I am a nag and he is not the type of person who should be in a family, he is a free spirit and a late owl and these people understand him. 

His sponsor used to be able to talk sense into him when he acted this way but he can’t seem to find time to call him during the day and his sponsor no longer goes to the late night meeting. 

I know this is way more than you asked for but I am really appreciating any insight you can give me. At my end he is talking about moving out July first to get his own apartment, he has already started packing.


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## sparkle4 (Jun 12, 2010)

he has been sobar 9 yrs


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## sparkle4 (Jun 12, 2010)

Hunt Brown

Thank you so much. He plans to see an attorney on monday. It seems a little fast to me. I have been to al anon before. Thank you for refreshing that idea with me sometimes I forget to stay with what I can control. you are right and I will work on my self from here on out. Just thiking about making it through all of my old bad times makes me feel a lot better.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Given the circumstances you describe, I can understand your concerns. I was married to a serial cheater, and while with him, I was very disturbed by his friendships with the opposite sex. In my current relationship, he has female friends, and I have male friends. Neither of us has any issue with it, because we both know that we can trust each other, and that neither of us would go outside our relationship that way, or hurt each other that way, no matter how bad our relationship might be. We would end things before we would cheat. Your husband has already shown once that he would be unfaithful, and that gives you reason to doubt him. His alcoholism puts you in an awkward position here, because you can't simply demand that he remove himself from the situation. Although, what about asking him to attend a different meeting (different time of day or different location) and/or to get a new sponsor, one who might actually be of some help to him with his struggles? I do see that you guys are heading towards separation, but if there's even a slim possibility that either or both of you wish to work it out still, one or both of those solutions could help, maybe? Also, what about marriage counselling? Have either of you tried that?


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> we both know that we can trust each other, and that neither of us would go outside our relationship that way, or hurt each other that way, no matter how bad our relationship might be. We would end things before we would cheat.


atruckersgirl, a lot of people think this way, but the reality is very different. Anyone will cheat (either emotionally or physically) under the right circumstances. Relationships with the opposite sex that are one on one and allow secrecy, either in person or via email or texts, is a time bomb just waiting to go off. It all starts innocently enough, and then they are both saying, "We couldn't help it. It just happened." It happened because the proper environment was established, which involves secrecy and no accountability.


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

FOM said:


> atruckersgirl, a lot of people think this way, but the reality is very different. Anyone will cheat (either emotionally or physically) under the right circumstances. Relationships with the opposite sex that are one on one and allow secrecy, either in person or via email or texts, is a time bomb just waiting to go off. It all starts innocently enough, and then they are both saying, "We couldn't help it. It just happened." It happened because the proper environment was established, which involves secrecy and no accountability.


I strongly disagree with you.

I am having issues with my wife becoming close to another man, but i have reasons to be suspicious. I am not going to steal this thread but i think if you cannot trust your significant other to have friends of the opposite sex, then you have a deeper problem in your relationship than the friend issue. A real, truly committed couple should not have a problem with their SO being with the opposite sex. Human are capable of using self control and in a truly healthy relationship, self control should be easy.

But in the original poster's and my relationship, there are reasons to have problems with the SO having a friendship with the opposite sex. There is something wrong in the relationship and that must be mended before anything having to do with the friendships is dealt with.

Sometimes this place is way to grim about relationships....


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

MrRomantic, you disagree with the concept that it's not OK to have close opposite sex friends (and I'm talking situations where 2 people are alone and not around other friends), then go on to say you're having problems with your wife being too close to a man. Am I missing something here?


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

FOM said:


> MrRomantic, you disagree with the concept that it's not OK to have close opposite sex friends (and I'm talking situations where 2 people are alone and not around other friends), then go on to say you're having problems with your wife being too close to a man. Am I missing something here?


yes, reading comprehension. My wife is giving me reasons not to be okay with it. We have some of our own issues to work out. IN A TRULY HEALTHY, COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP it shouldn't be a problem.

Read my post again.


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

MrRomantic said:


> yes, reading comprehension. My wife is giving me reasons not to be okay with it. We have some of our own issues to work out. IN A TRULY HEALTHY, COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP it shouldn't be a problem.
> 
> Read my post again.


I have read your post more than once and I am not moved from my position. I don't expect to change your mind, but let me be clear. There is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex. I am friends with all of my wife's female friends. She is friends with pretty much all of my male friends. We do not, however, spend time with opposite sex friends where it is a one on one situation. I do not go to lunch with them unless my wife is with me. I do not meet them for drinks if she is out of town. I do not send emails to them that I would not want her to read. I do not go to their house while their husbands are away. If you put yourself in such situations enough, you WILL at some point share things that are inappropriate and begin building a foundation for infidelity. Yes, in a healthy, fulfilling, committed relationship, cheating won't be a problem. If everyone's marriage was like this all the time, every married or otherwise committed person could spend quality alone time with an opposite sex friend and not cheat. But, and I want to be certain to emphasize this, *the odds of anyone having a perfect, lifelong relationship where all of your needs are being met and your happiness meter is pegged out on a daily basis is pretty close to zero*. During these times ANYONE is susceptible to cheating. That's why boundaries are important. It will help you work through the rough times in your marriage without the added difficulty brought about via an emotional or physical affair.


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## Mrinsensitive (May 14, 2010)

My thoughts on thius issue are these....Many(most) guys if given the chance will make a friend into a "friend with benefits"
I believe that most guys would cheat with their "friends" if they could get away with it.

I am in my late 30s and in a marriage of 8 years and relations ship of 16 to my wife. I trust her BUT I prefer she not be good friends with men unless I know them. I mean Why? How much better could a friendship with a straight man be than a woman? It would be hard for you to convince me the friendship would be more fulfilling. I am an honest man and there may be men that are older with less of a sex drive or those that have more self control but I think 90% of men with nothing to lose would cheat with their "friends" if the repercussions werent too severe...

I am against friends of the opposite sex in marriage it is tough enough w/o adding temptations..


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## stuckinpast (Jun 26, 2010)

I personally think having a friend of opposite sex is not ok. All it does is cause problems. If he's willing to hang out with you and her at the same time I see no problem in it. But why must people think its ok to have friends of opposite sex?


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## Gman (Jun 11, 2010)

It's NOT okay... but then, I'm the betrayed spouse.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

FOM said:


> atruckersgirl, a lot of people think this way, but the reality is very different. Anyone will cheat (either emotionally or physically) under the right circumstances. Relationships with the opposite sex that are one on one and allow secrecy, either in person or via email or texts, is a time bomb just waiting to go off. It all starts innocently enough, and then they are both saying, "We couldn't help it. It just happened." It happened because the proper environment was established, which involves secrecy and no accountability.


I'm sorry, I have to disagree with you. I would NEVER, under any circumstances, cheat. I have been cheated on, I know how it feels, and I would never cause that kind of pain to someone I love. My boyfriend is the same: been done to him, knows how it feels, wouldn't do that. Not everyone would cheat under the "right circumstances". If one or the other of us met someone else and felt we wanted something with them, we would end our relationship first. 

Additionally, you took my words out of context and added to them. Where, precisely, did I say that there was secrecy in the friendships either of us have? I have reread my response and I fail to see where I said that.


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

I agree with FOM on this. I have never cheated on my wife. It isn't because we have so complete a relationship that it simply doesn't occur....as evidenced by my own thread. It is because I simply take care to NEVER put myself into any situation that could be tempting. Hey...I realize I am only human. And humans do stupid things. I think it is fine to have friends of the opposite sex. I do. But I NEVER find myself in situations, where I am alone with any of these friends. Life is complicated enough...I don't need to add emotional attachments to others, to my complicated life. As I've mentioned in my own thread....there are definite things lacking in my marriage (emotionally and physically.) I would venture that all of us feel this way, at some point or another. Sometimes, the allure of someone else offering such missing things can seem far to tempting (and easier than working through your own relationship.)

In summary...no...nothing wrong with these friendships. Just make sure your spouse respects the boundaries of reducing risk of attraction.


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