# My Husband Doesn't Try



## missdixie33 (Apr 15, 2011)

My husband and I have been married almost a year. He had a previous marriage about 12 years ago that lasted almost 10 years. I've never been married before. He's 47 and I'm almost 38. 

I've had enough relationships to know that communication and at least making an effort are the biggest things that will make our relationship grow and get/stay strong. My husband agrees, but that's all he does. He keeps a lot inside. And he doesn't really make much effort to work on this or our life together. I've had long talks with him about it, trying to help him get to the root of why he does this. I've suggested books and counseling to him to figure out why he closes up and why he can't seem to bring himself to make an effort. I've been nice about it, tried to be patient, I sometimes get so sick of it that I get angry because I get so sick of him saying he was sorry and he'll try something (anything) and then not doing anything about the situation. His lack of involvement is what led to his first divorce- he's admitted that- but it seems he hasn't learned how to apply what he's learned. And I try to help him find ways- I've spelled out some simple, nice things he could do to show he's part of this relationship (instead of just saying he is), but I'm always left disappointed because he doesn't even try. I tell him that if he tries and fails- so what? At least I'd know he was willing to take a step- any step- towards making this work. I just can't have a relationship with him on my own. He's well aware of the damage this does to us, but he can't seem to get himself to do anything different. 

Every night I make dinner, every time we do something it's only because I made plans (I try to get him involved or inspire him to take control, but he doesn't try), and this is true even when his children are with us for the weekend. I've stepped aside and given him room to make decisions, but he waits until the last minute to consider something and it makes scheduling very difficult. Then he'll say 'Yeah, I should have thought of that before'. But he doesn't seem to use this realization the next time. 

We both work full-time and we're both under a lot of pressure. I'm trying to cut him a break, but he just doesn't seem to get it. I feel like I've been let down. I thought a life-partner meant just that- a partner. Sometimes one of us will have to work more than the other at this, but all the time? It's been like this for a year- since just before we got married. I thought it was just a phase where he just needed me to make more effort and that at some point, he'd get back involved. 

I'm already weary of this. I feel like his mother or a counselor trying to help him open up and it's just not working. He says 'sorry' all the time, it drives me crazy, but he won't take the next step towards taking up some of the effort in this relationship and just makes promises that he'll 'try harder'. I've tried to explain that this will tear us apart. I have no intentions of staying with someone that doesn't act like they want to be an active part of my life. I know marriage isn't easy, but you both have to be willing to make an effort, right? Maybe he's tired, maybe he's preoccupied, maybe he's stressed out. Yes, yes, and yes. But so am I. There are days I'd like to come home to dinner being made or get an email saying he thought of something for us to do this weekend. And I'm not talking anything complicated here- even seeing a movie means I have to look up the times and theaters because he'll either forget or just doesn't do it. He doesn't even come through for holidays- even the ones we have the kids, it's all left for me to figure out. 

I'm just looking for some potential solutions I didn't think of yet. I am always trying to look at this from another angle.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Sounds like my marriage, they never change, and we never leave, damn Im depressed now


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

I don't have much advice...I'll leave that to other posters. But this sounds like my first marriage (18 years). It just sucks the life out of you after a while. I ended up leaving because I decided that, if I was essentially living as a single person in my marriage, I might as well enjoy the perks of a single person.


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

missdixie33 said:


> My husband and I have been married almost a year. He had a previous marriage about 12 years ago that lasted almost 10 years. I've never been married before. He's 47 and I'm almost 38.
> 
> I've had enough relationships to know that communication and at least making an effort are the biggest things that will make our relationship grow and get/stay strong. My husband agrees, but that's all he does. He keeps a lot inside. And he doesn't really make much effort to work on this or our life together. I've had long talks with him about it, trying to help him get to the root of why he does this. I've suggested books and counseling to him to figure out why he closes up and why he can't seem to bring himself to make an effort. I've been nice about it, tried to be patient, I sometimes get so sick of it that I get angry because I get so sick of him saying he was sorry and he'll try something (anything) and then not doing anything about the situation. His lack of involvement is what led to his first divorce- he's admitted that- but it seems he hasn't learned how to apply what he's learned. And I try to help him find ways- I've spelled out some simple, nice things he could do to show he's part of this relationship (instead of just saying he is), but I'm always left disappointed because he doesn't even try. I tell him that if he tries and fails- so what? At least I'd know he was willing to take a step- any step- towards making this work. I just can't have a relationship with him on my own. He's well aware of the damage this does to us, but he can't seem to get himself to do anything different.
> 
> ...


From experience I can tell you that when a marriage is in the state that your marriage is in, then no matter what you say, no matter how much you beg/plead/manipulate your husband will not change until it is HIS idea. In fact, trying to change him is counter-productive. So, what do you do? What I did was to change myself. That is all we are in control of. Try thinking about how you have contributed to the marriage breakdown. Perhaps you are applying so much pressure to your spouse that he naturally gets defensive and there isn't space available for him to step into to examine his own faults.

For some practical advice, try the following:

(1) Write down a list of his interests. Ask him about one of them or send him an article in relation to an interest.

(2) Find an outlet, other than you husband, for your frustrations. Kick-boxing, maybe? 

(3) Signing up for the Marriage Fitness e-mails was a life changer for me. It might help you.(Marriage Communication)

(4) Love is a verb. Trying thinking about love that way. Mull it over. 

Most likely, nothing will change in your relationship until the marital environment is warmed. ie. There is some goodwill between you. Until then, it is basically a war of attrition.

I know how easy it is to blame your spouse, but that will get you nowhere. My advice probably sounds paradoxical, and I can understand that. I felt exactly the same way when my marriage was breaking down. But, as Mencius says:

"If the medicine does not make the head swim, the illness will not be cured" -- Mencius, BOOK III-A1.

Hope that helps you. Any questions, let me know.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

This was my first husband. I just ended up not respecting him and dissapointed. No one wants to fee like they have to do everything, organise everything and be the only thoughtful person. I really couldn't stay.

My fiance is not like this and he makes plans, organises things and offers ideas and opinions on everything. This makes me really happy, it shows he is thinking about me, he cares and wants me to be happy.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ser Pounce-A-Lot said:


> From experience I can tell you that when a marriage is in the state that your marriage is in, then no matter what you say, no matter how much you beg/plead/manipulate your husband will not change until it is HIS idea. In fact, trying to change him is counter-productive. So, what do you do? What I did was to change myself. That is all we are in control of.


Very true. 

And this also sounds so much like my ex-husband.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Was he like this when you were dating?

If so, then why expect change now? If he showed you his true colors before marriage, then it is who he is.

Doesn't mean he loves you any less or cares about you any less than you love and care about him.

I have a quiet, introverted husband.

I am the opposite, talkative, opinionated and extroverted.

He was like this when I dated and married him - I can't expect him to change after the marriage - I chose him the way he was.

Women spend a lot of time finding "that guy" and then spending the rest of their life trying to change "that guy" - he wasn't and isn't everything they were looking for, but they figure, why not - I'll just mold him to what I want later - that never works - ever.

It sounds like he might be an introvert. Introverts are, by definition:

Introversion is "the state of or tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one's own mental life". Introverts are people whose energy tends to expand through reflection and dwindle during interaction. Introverts tend to be more reserved and less outspoken in large groups. They often take pleasure in solitary activities such as reading, writing, music, drawing, tinkering, playing video games, watching movies and plays, and using computers, along with some more reserved outdoor activities such as fishing. An introvert is likely to enjoy time spent alone and find less reward in time spent with large groups of people, though he or she may enjoy interactions with close friends. Trust is usually an issue of significance: a virtue of utmost importance to an introvert choosing a worthy companion. They prefer to concentrate on a single activity at a time and like to observe situations before they participate. Introverts are easily overwhelmed by too much stimulation from social gatherings and engagement. They are more analytical before speaking.

If your husband fits this definition, instead of being critical about who he is, why not try to embrace the differences and appeal to what appeals to an introvert. 

I live with one - I know how trying it can be, but instead of trying to fight it, I'm trying to embrace that there are qualities he possesses that I don't and work those into our relationship instead of trying to make him be like me.

Have you ever thought that maybe your "extrovert" qualities and exuberance are "trying" to him also? 

Maybe try to see it from his point of view. What is normal for you may be abnormal for him and make him uncomfortable.

Just a thought...


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm an introvert in fact I'm 90% introverted and yet I'm still willing to go outside my comfort zone to work on my marriage hence why I'm here.

I'm thinking you should stop. Back off for a bit and take care of yourself. Introverts feel pressure when backed into a corner. They do things when they want to and not when someone else wants us to. He needs to be inspired not put down.

His tendency is to be lazy (mine is too) because he's with someone who he knows will handle things. To break that cycle you have to well break the cycle. Think outside the box. Do something different if you want something different.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> I'm an introvert in fact I'm 90% introverted and yet I'm still willing to go outside my comfort zone to work on my marriage hence why I'm here.
> 
> I'm thinking you should stop. Back off for a bit and take care of yourself. Introverts feel pressure when backed into a corner. They do things when they want to and not when someone else wants us to. He needs to be inspired not put down.
> 
> His tendency is to be lazy (mine is too) because he's with someone who he knows will handle things. To break that cycle you have to well break the cycle. Think outside the box. Do something different if you want something different.


But not all introverts or extroverts are the same.

Especially the differences between introverted females vs introverted males.

I think it's more about "style" and how they express love to one another and who they are versus failure to care about the relationship equally. 

The way he "takes care of the marriage" from his viewpoint is going to be different from hers.

They need to see how each other view and participate in the relationship instead of trying to make one meet the others expectations in how they "should" participate in the marriage.

Trying to make someone else own up to your expectations of how they should act, based on how you are acting is just a recipie for unhappiness and disaster.

Making sure that your partner does "as much" as you also sets you up for failure.

Each partner brings positives and negatives to a relationship. They are never going to be equal, the same or always pretty or acceptable.

The key is in recognizing the "differences" and working with them, not against them.


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## BETTY WARE1 (Mar 26, 2014)

Hello, I have been married for 19 years and I am very very sad, mad and stressed almost every day, why? because I feel like I am wasteing the best part of life. I knew that my husband was introverted when I married him, I knew that he was'nt outgoing and talkative the way I am, but dam...I NEVER thought that when it came to communicating with me about our marriage and about things that married couples talked bout was included, I didnt realize that along with being INTROVERTED came complete silence towards me, non communication in the bedroom, NO sex for 6 years...WHY? because I was the one making all the moves, setting the evening, you know wanting to be sexy, fixing a glass of wine, but dam..I want to know that he wants me to, I want to be seduced also, I want him to make a move on me, but well....I have been waiting since I stopped making the move on him 6 years ago, and this fool hasnt said a word, made a move, of missed a step, he hasnt even mention sex, thought and I have asked him, why havent you even tried to make love to me, why havent you even mentioned anything about our marriage. all he dose is just stare at me, and i actually have to say to him..( ahh thats a question) because he just looks at me as though he is trying to think of an answer..and he probally is, hell i dont know...finally he will say,...well its because your always asking me, and were always fighting about it, and my reply is...what do you expect me to do and say...NOthing? its been 5 yeeeeaaarrrsss..and you havent said a word...he finally admitted that he was masturbating...and I asked him why? I dont even look my age, I am a 5'3 126lbs shoulder length red hair, love to exercise, nice round booty, beautiful white teeth, medium full lips, intelligent women, i dont smoke, i dont drink, my home is beautiful, its clean, I work, i go to church, i dont insist that he goes with me, i'm an excellent cook, I dont cook except holidays, we both watch our wait, I 'm a sexy woman, a younger tina turner lookakile, but this man treats me and takes me completly fopr granted, and he will not tell me why.... he says its because I am aguring with him about how he treats me, and I tell him, what do you think Im suppose to to ..just except you treating me like a picture on a wall...ou dont even look at me, he never touches me, he never compliments me, he dosent say a word to me, you no things a husband tells his wife, no matter what or how much I complain he closes down completly, he sits in another room, falls asleep, and then gets up and go to work. I am a saved christian, I dont want to have an affair, I am so unhappy, I dont think I love him anymore, I want to love him, I want my marriage, but soo much has been left unsaid, he dosent have any feelings or emotions about anything I say to him, he tells me that he hold on to anger, and that he dosent know how to fix arguments, he refuses to say anything, he answers me by saying( Well if you say thats what I am then I am)...he wont except responsibility for his actions. example...I came home oneday and the electric was off, I called him and asked him ? Is the electric bill paid>? Its suppose to be he stated...I said well the garage door isnt going up, you need to call and see whats up? he said well it shouldnt be off, and I said have you paid it, he says...NO,,I didint think it was due till tomorrow, I asked him had he even cecked the due date...No..electric was off, I was very angry because my husband knew this, but he wont tell me anything..I never know when and if he is tell me everthing I need to know when it comes to the bills, or anything..because when he talks to me, he will only tell me half of something, and when he does, later on he will tell me well thats not what I meant, this is how my life is, its a cross to bare...a heavy one and I know we all have them..I know that the only person can change him is GOD..he is not saved, I dont even know if he is really baptised, his mother or father took him to church, he went with friends, and he said that they all got baptised, but I know that your parents have to be at the church or they should be when a child gets baptised, in my spirit I just dont know if he is being truthful, and I dont know why.. I just feel like there are things about him in all these years that I really dont know..What I do remind myself is that its not just me that he treats thins way, its his daughter and only grand child , if they dont call him, they will never hear from him, his friends have to call him, his mother gace him away for his gdmom to raise him, he went to live with his mother at the age of 10-12 years old, i wonder if he was hurt by this change, and put up a wall, he hated his step father,,because he tried to raise him the right way, to be respectable, and to be responsible, and my husband hates to be told to do any thing...My husband works nights he is gone all night and he dosent want to ever call me, except every now and then, i,m home by myself, and I tell him to call to make sure i,m ok, thats like talking to the tv.To sum it all up. we have nothing in common, we do nothing together, we sleep in the same bed and our feet never touch and this year 2014 is six years since we have been intimately together..So please pray for our marriage, I have nothing left. thank you.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Zombie thread...

BETTY WARE1, please consider opening your own thread. This thread is from 2011. It's a dead discussion.


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## BETTY WARE1 (Mar 26, 2014)

My husband only knows how to work...other than that there is nothing, nothing, our marriage is DEAD...Its completley draining me of life, and my happiness..and he acts like nothing, nothing can touch him...I feel like my life is wasting away.


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