# Looks and Money.....feeling SHALLOW!



## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Hi Ladies,

A quick history.....I have chosen the wrong partner 3 times now. Yep, 3 divorces. Two were abusive, one was a cheater. So....here I am years down the road, I have dated here and there....fell for a couple of guys but it didn't work out.

Now a new guy....talked online for about 6 months, but it was very casual....nothing in depth. I have met him twice now...conversation is good. I think he is falling for me hard....but I have very very little attraction to him, if any at all. But he is so nice. I think he would treat me and my kids very very well. So in that regard I see a reason to keep seeing him. But what about the attraction? Side note: this guy is loaded....like probably a millionaire but you would never know by looking at him or talking to him. 

I wonder if I am always attracted to the 'Bad boys'. I mean my last husband really wasn't all that good looking but he was to me....

Should I keep seeing him? Could an attraction develop? I'm a little concerned that I could fall for his money....

Advice?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well your man picker is broken (I can say that because mine is too.)

Can attraction develop? Absolutely. In our society we tend to think that anything less than having the hots for a person immediately means that there can never be any attraction. 

I've read before that if you have that immediate, strong attraction to a person of the opposite sex.. run. Why? It means that your crazy fits together all too well. What's the results? The results are that you end up with abusive men, men who cheat, etc. (visa versa for men).

It might be a good idea for you to get into counseling to find out why you keep ending up with the abusers and cheaters and are not attracted to a good man. You can change this about yourself.

Some people skydiver and bungee jump to get their adrenalin rushes and endorphins flowing at high rates. Others just look for dangerous people. Perhaps skydiving and bungee jumping is safer??? 

Years ago I divorced a guy who was abusive. During an intake interview at a domestic violence org for counseling, I was asked what I wanted to accomplish in counseling. I said that I wanted to figure out why I kept ending up with abusive, cheating men. The counselor replied that the answer is easy. I did not pick them. They picked me.

What she said is that abusers hunt for people who are easy to abuse. (Cheating is a form of abuse.) So what they do is to go very slowly give little tests. For example about 2 months into dating my ex started making little comments about not liking how I wore my hair, my clothing and other things I did. Stupid me, I changed to fit what he wanted in almost everything. It was a slow process. But over time I allowed him to warp who I was. And finally it got to the point that when he was abusive, I had changed so much that I did not run for the hills.

You see, a person who is not easy to abuse has boundaries that are firm. What would I have done had I had proper boundaries? The first time he criticized me I would have dumped his sorry a$$. 

The purpose of dating is to find out if a person is a good match for a long term relationship. The first time a guy we are dating gives a sh!t test, that's when we dump him. 


Whether or not this guy is the right one for you, you (like me) need to develop strong boundaries and enforce them. A good man will respect your boundaries. Also keep in mind that if you do not have good boundaries, after some time a good man will leave you.

There are some good books on how to create healthy boundaries. You might want to look at them.

Here is another book that I think would help you quite a bit. 


Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them : When Loving Hurts and You Don't Know Why


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Every time I hear of women starting relationships online, I find myself imagining a serial killer with a large chest freezer and a clown suit. Color me suspicious but I'm wondering why an actual millionaire would be spending 6 months chatting up a long distance thrice divorced woman with children. You might want to take this thing slowly and really check this guy out. People do lie and not always with words. Online for six months and for a couple meetings, I could make you believe I was a Saudi prince. He might be a wonderful and wealthy dude and he might be #6543 on the sex offender registry.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I would say no, do not continue seeing him if you don't feel that fire for him.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

raising5boyz said:


> Hi Ladies,
> 
> A quick history.....I have chosen the wrong partner 3 times now. Yep, 3 divorces. Two were abusive, one was a cheater. So....here I am years down the road, I have dated here and there....fell for a couple of guys but it didn't work out.
> 
> ...


Why get involved again at all? Wouldn't you be happier single?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Every time I hear of women starting relationships online, I find myself imagining a serial killer with a large chest freezer and a clown suit. Color me suspicious but I'm wondering why an actual millionaire would be spending 6 months chatting up a long distance thrice divorced woman with children. You might want to take this thing slowly and really check this guy out. People do lie and not always with words. Online for six months and for a couple meetings, I could make you believe I was a Saudi prince. He might be a wonderful and wealthy dude and he might be #6543 on the sex offender registry.



My dad is a millionaire, you would NEVER know it looking at him and the way he lives his life. He has a very sorry sex life, and does a lot of online dating and has got for long distance because he has very picky about the women he wants to date (I tell him, just spiff up your life a little and you can get these women too no doubt LOL). 

Raising5boys you have only met him twice now, but if you are like me, I know pretty much immediately if I could be with someone or not. My sister on the other hand, was NOT attracted to her boyfriend at all at first, but in her words "He grew on me" and she is pretty deeply in love with him now. Don't stay in it just because he is a good provider and good to your kids, while you don't have any attraction to him though. Thats not fair to him, if hes a truly good guy, let him go find someone who will be more attracted to him (if possible).


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

raising5boyz said:


> Side note: this guy is loaded....like probably a millionaire but you would never know by looking at him or talking to him.


This is ridiculous. First of all, a million bucks is practically nothing anymore in today's economy. Lot's of "regular" folks are millionaires due to wise investing, 401-Ks, smart real estate decisions, pension plans, etc. So forget the glamorous "millionaire" fantasy.

If you marry a guy who you have no physical attraction for, I predict it won't be long until you are headed for Divorce #4.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> First of all, a million bucks is practically nothing anymore in today's economy.


YOU LEFT OFF MASSIVE MONETARY INFLATION THE LAST THIRTY YEARS!! Pack of Cigs $10, twelve pack of beer $15, Family of Four at Cowboys game, $1000!!! DUDE


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
First rule - be honest with yourself and with him. 
Go on a few dates and see if attraction grows. You don't need to tell him he is unattractive (don't lie and say he is), just be honest and say that you want to just enjoy a few dates, take things slowly. Tell him that you have made so many bad choices that you don't want to rush into anything.

If after a while you are still not attracted to him, then it is probably better for both of you to find someone else.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

A million bucks is NOTHING in today's economy.

I know plenty of "millionaires" who are living hand to mouth, paycheck to paycheck.

_*Ugh*_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I don't see anything wrong with considering wealth in a potential mate. The problem is when people ONLY consider wealth.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Hi everyone. Thank you for your responses. 

Elegirl: I agree that my picker is broken! I will read the book you suggested. The LAST thing I want to do is pick the wrong guy again. Yes, I agree that I have attracted the wrong type of man in the past.... I have been in counseling in the past....more wouldn't be a bad thing! I have wondered about the instant attraction thing. I dated a guy a while ago that I had a great emotional/intellectual relationship with but I wasn't very attracted to him, he was one of the good guys, and I walked away. 

Unbelievable: Perhaps he has been searching for the ordinary girl next door type. He isn't holding the divorces against me...which I am very thankful for. His wife and son were killed by a drunk driver....in your late 30's and early 40's it becomes less likely to be able to or even want to start a family. I think he likes the idea of this ready made family. It's one of the things I do like about him....he is realistic and isn't seeking perfection. To assume a mother with kids is undesirable...well that's just sad.

Those of you about millionaires being nothing these days: Depends on how you manage your money. If you are smart with it you can live very comfortably and be/stay debt free. This man (if being upfront and honest) is very good with his money. Is the money appealing? Yes. However to me the more attractive part is that he is debt free and doesn't splurge on absurdly expensive and ridiculous material items. For the sake of this post lets just assume he is not lying about his financial status. 

SurpriseMyself: Yep I made mistakes. I still desire to have a companion in life. I am happy single....for probably the first time in my life....however I ultimately still desire a partner. 

Richardsharpe: I agree with you....and that is probably exactly what I will do. I can't see being with someone when there is no attraction....however there is time to figure it out for sure.

Happy as a clam: Why does this post disgust you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How far away from you does this guy live?

Why did you two wait so long to meet in person?

You have 5 boys. I assume that they do not all have the same father. You can correct me if I’m wrong. How involved are their fathers? Are they paying child support? What percentage of the time do you have the boys? 

What have you done to check him out?


raising5boyz said:


> Perhaps he has been searching for the ordinary girl next door type. He isn't holding the divorces against me...which I am very thankful for. His wife and son were killed by a drunk driver....in your late 30's and early 40's it becomes less likely to be able to or even want to start a family.


One of the things about meeting guys online is that they can be anyone they want to be while online. So check out everything he tells you.

How long ago were his wife and son killed?

If his wife and son were killed by a drunk driver, you should be able to pull an accident report. There might also be a newspaper article or two. 

Some people do start their families later in life. I did not start until I was 40.


raising5boyz said:


> I think he likes the idea of this ready made family. It's one of the things I do like about him....he is realistic and isn't seeking perfection.


Has he met your boys? In all those months that you two were talking on line and on the phone. Did he talk to your boys?

When a guy likes that his new girlfriend has kids it can mean many different things.

He could just be a good guy who likes kids. If this is the case, he’s probably oblivious to the extreme problems that children from previous marriages bring into a relationship. It’s not just the kids. It’s having to deal with the ex’s as well. 

Or he could be a predator. Before you get angry at me for bringing this up…. A child is 40 times more likely to be molested by his/her mother’s boyfriend and/or husband (not the father) than by anyone else. You brining a new man into your sons’ lives is a risk for them. One of the major indicators that a man is a predator is that he seems pleased that the new woman he’s dating has children, shows a lot of interest in the children, wants to meet them sooner than later.


raising5boyz said:


> To assume a mother with kids is undesirable...well that's just sad.


It’s a reality that many men do not want to have a serious relationship with, or marry, a woman with children. They know that children from previous relationships being a lot of stress to a relationship. Plus a lot of men do not want to raise, or even partially raise, another man’s children. It’s a fact… like it or not. 

Just so that people know I’m not dissing men here.. a lot of women do not want to have a serious relationship with a man who has children from a previous relationship for the very same reasons.


raising5boyz said:


> Those of you about millionaires being nothing these days: Depends on how you manage your money. If you are smart with it you can live very comfortably and be/stay debt free. This man (if being upfront and honest) is very good with his money. Is the money appealing? Yes. However to me the more attractive part is that he is debt free and doesn't splurge on absurdly expensive and ridiculous material items. For the sake of this post lets just assume he is not lying about his financial status.


That’s great is this is true about him. I agree that even 1 million in savings can make a person’s life easier. At this point you believe that he’s being honest about his financial situation. Just keep your ears and eyes open.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Never marry someone for their money.

Earn your own path to freedom. Get a job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Happy as a clam: I am working my butt off....I have two semesters left to get an engineering degree. I have worked summers and done things like sell on ebay to support my kids. So yeah.....I'll be comfortable by this time next year. Please don't assume I am a single mother of a large family doing NOTHING. But thanks.

Elegirl: I understand and agree with most if not all of your points. Not exactly sure what child support has to do with anything. Four children from 1st marriage, and one from the 2nd. Father 1 pays child support and sees kids for part of the summer. Father 2 does not pay and has little to no contact. I have kids 90% of the time. 

You're right, some people start families late...I started early and there are pros and cons to that choice. However, I don't want any more kids...five is enough, and I'm about too finally start a career. 

I have wondered about his intentions, and I will be checking him out very well before he meets my kids. He has not asked to meet them but rather says its my choice when it happens. 

I know the reality of men wanting to take in anothers' children. Regardless of it's truth I think it's sad. I know the reality of some men not wanting to take of their OWN children....also sad. I have raised all of my boys for quite a while on my own. They are well adjusted boys who haven't gotten into any legal trouble whatsoever. My oldest (18) just moved out to go to college, and the next will be leaving next week (17- graduated a year early) to start college as well. That brings the # of kids at home down to 3. Big changes in our lives! 

I don't feel I am desperate for a relationship or for money....life is going well overall.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Missed a couple questions: His wife and son died 4 years ago. I didn't ask the specific date. Searching the net gets A LOT of results. I will ask further as time goes on.

He lives about 30 minutes from me. We were in no rush to meet so we just casually emailed. Finally decided to meet as schedules matched up. 

I haven't done anything to check him out yet. So far his story makes sense and the only red flag is....as a couple of you have said....why is he interested in me? Obviously I have some baggage and other obligations. He says....he likes that I am motivated and intelligent. He likes to be able to talk shop with me (he is an engineer as well). He thinks I am very pretty and basically sees no reason he wouldn't be interested in me. He has always wanted a family...his was taken from him. We have talked about kids and their tendencies, issues, attitudes, and the like. He basically says I am there mom....they come first...and if we were ever in a relationship I have the final say with my kids and he will back me up 100%. He said he will express his opinion if he feels its necessary and then let me make the choice. His late wife has some younger brothers who he has remained very close to. One has autism, so he has learned a lot about that and how to deal with those specific challenges. Any red flags there to you? I know being in the situation can be blinding....so please speak up.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
As others have said,being a millionaire is not a big deal these days. Its nice to have, but it doesn't mean that there is any reason he doesn't want to date people with less money.

The death of his wife an son is of course a horrible thing to have happened. It completely explains why he isn't in a long term relationship now. 

I somehow feel you are going both too fast and too slow on this. You are talking about children but haven't met in person very much. 

Go on a few dates. Don't worry about long term - its much too early for that. See if you two enjoy spending time together. The dates should be fun whether or not you have a long term future together. Don't try to "make it work", see if things work out naturally.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Good advice. Thank you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

raising5boyz said:


> Missed a couple questions: His wife and son died 4 years ago. I didn't ask the specific date. Searching the net gets A LOT of results. I will ask further as time goes on.
> 
> He lives about 30 minutes from me. We were in no rush to meet so we just casually emailed. Finally decided to meet as schedules matched up.
> 
> I haven't done anything to check him out yet. So far his story makes sense and the only red flag is....as a couple of you have said....why is he interested in me? Obviously I have some baggage and other obligations. He says....he likes that I am motivated and intelligent. He likes to be able to talk shop with me (he is an engineer as well). He thinks I am very pretty and basically sees no reason he wouldn't be interested in me. He has always wanted a family...his was taken from him. We have talked about kids and their tendencies, issues, attitudes, and the like. He basically says I am there mom....they come first...and if we were ever in a relationship I have the final say with my kids and he will back me up 100%. He said he will express his opinion if he feels its necessary and then let me make the choice. His late wife has some younger brothers who he has remained very close to. One has autism, so he has learned a lot about that and how to deal with those specific challenges. Any red flags there to you? I know being in the situation can be blinding....so please speak up.


How much do you know about this guy that you discovered through independent means? I would place very little credence in information I knew just because someone told me. If what you know is only what he told you, you may not actually know very much that is true. In God We Trust. Everyone else is subject to investigation.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
My advice would be to continue seeing him and see if attraction develops. If not, I would not marry him for several reasons but chief among them is it would not be fair to him.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If I even thought I might someday even consider having someone around my 5 kids, I'd investigate the hell out of them.


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