# I want real stories - counseling and sexless marriage



## Sad lonely girl (Sep 2, 2020)

Just curious - did anyone on here actually save a sexless marriage through counseling? If so, how did it go? If not, what happened when you tried to change things? I just recently started marriage counseling. My relationship has been “sexless” since before marriage. It started when we were engaged. Other than when we were trying to get pregnant, we’d have sex no more than 4 times a year. 

Anyway .. I’d love to hear from people who’ve been


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Instead of wasting money on marital counselling to no end, you would do well to divorce your husband. Then going forward never choose to marry any man, who seldom if ever wants to have sex with you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

There is a deep problem here, and marriage counseling is almost certainly not going to fix this. Unless there is a medical issue, this will not change. Divorce would be a better use of your time and money, and lead to better results in the future.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

MC saved the marriage (for the time being anyway) - yes.

Saved the passion and intimacy and hot, monkey sex - no. 

MC had it’s merits. The wife didn’t believe a word I ever said of course and anything I would say was just in one ear and out the other. I had no validity.

But when the counselor got in her face (figuratively speaking) and said I already had one foot out the door and was closing the door behind me and that she would be a single 45 year mother with two young kids if she didn’t wake up, she did suck it up and came to the negotiation table. 

She was mad and bitter and resentful that I had needs and wasn’t her servant, but she did come to the table.

Her complaints were typical ie not doing enough around the house, with the kids etc. but she did capitulate and accepted that if we were to remain married, that a marital sex life would have to be a component of the marriage. 

We worked out enough issues that we both chose to remain married. 

She capitulated on sex and we have maintained a sex life. We average about every week or two in fact which for many couples into their 50s, would be enviable. 

BUT.....

It’s duty sex at best. There hasn’t been any actual passion or chemistry for years. 

It’s pleasant. It’s cuddly. Occasionally it’s even a bit fun. If she’s faking orgasms, she’s at least putting in that effort, but it’s clear that she is just doing it to keep me in the house and to keep me paying my share of the mortgage and utilities.

And I’m doing it because she is at least putting in the effort and it keeps me from going out in the streets. 

So yes, MC can “save the marriage”. However, not divorcing does not always mean good or even adequate sex. 

My wife and I used to have an awesome sex life. 

You have never had a good marital sex life. The chances of you going from a couple encounters a year to a good, vigorous sex life, is a very large stretch.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I had a buddy that genuinely wanted sex with his wife but was terrible at it and she didn't want it anymore.

I counseled him and gave him some pointers and he learned how to ring her chimes.

It worked in that case but I don't think your husband is a good candidate.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Sexual intimacy within a long term marriage is an extremely dynamic situation. While it is common for couples to have problems, the issues and solutions are often highly personalized. 

At the end of the day, people generally don't change. You can however gain valuable perspectives to help understand why each behaves the ways they do. This in turn can reduce the emotional volatility a couple experiences in favor of understanding and to begin trying to do what is needed for personal growth. 

But again at the end of the day people don't change. Rinse wash and repeat. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@badsanta is 100% correct, over a ltr sexual dynamics change, and there can be wide pendulum swings. 

Follow what works for you. It may be a kick restart, it may be separation. 

Only you know all the circumstances. 

Be sure as you navigate you listen to others advice if reaching out, but act according to you own internal decision making processes, don't blindly follow others advice.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @badsanta is 100% correct, over a ltr sexual dynamics change, and there can be wide pendulum swings.
> 
> Follow what works for you. It may be a kick restart, it may be separation.
> 
> ...


If you read her OP---- this marriage was sexless before it was even a marriage. How do you kick- REstart something that never ran?? ?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Livvie said:


> How do you kick- REstart something that never ran?? ?


You don't.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Personal said:


> You don't.


If it was never running, that's true. Wasn't it at one time though?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Livvie said:


> If you read her OP---- this marriage was sexless before it was even a marriage. How do you kick- REstart something that never ran?? ?


Perhaps the OP is looking for hope and/or inspiration to endure a struggle with at least a few working examples that something can be improved. Obviously there must be something there that is worth trying to save or the marriage would have ended before it started. 

Generally speaking problems in marriages are cause be a couple being too protective of the relationship. Good impressions are made during courtship while personal flaws are hidden. These personal flaws and imperfections generally speaking tend to make us who we are, yet the tendency is to hide them from the ones we love as a way to protect them. Much like a spouse finding out they have a serious health issue but keeping it a secret for as long as possible to prevent the other from worrying or being scared. In reality this does not serve to protect the relationship, it just excludes the other from really being able to truly know and emotionally connect with them.

So what are common flaws that people hide? Perhaps the most common is infidelity which is followed by addictions and then perhaps a suppressed sexual orientation (including asexuality). In some occasions, someone's flaws may be misunderstood like someone that unknowingly has high functioning ASD along with sensory issues that are more pronounced with regards to sexuality (causes sexual touch to be overstimulating and/or painful). Once understood, those are what they are but at least you know what you are working with and what to do to try and improve the relationship. 

Some couples find ways to endure and improve while others don't. Perhaps the biggest key ingredient is just having the self confidence to stand up for yourself and point out what it is you need in the relationship. If there is no workable compromise you then have to make the decision to endure or more on with your life. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I read your other posts on your other thread. 

One thing you need to be aware of is that MC does not change or transform people. It does not make someone love you. It does not make someone desire you or want to be with you. It does not make a nasty, self-indulgent and self-centered person nice and generous. It does not make a bad person good. 

If done correctly, a good counselor worth his/her salt won't even try to "save the marriage" if he/she reasonably believes the individuals should not be together. Sometimes MC is to broker an ammicable and cooperative divorce that has as little drama and disruption to the kids as possible. 

What MC does do is attempt to open effective channels of communication and introduce the couple to construction conflict resolution techniques so that they can each communicate their needs and their boundaries and be able to negotiate to where each is hopefully getting their needs met. 

This really only works with two people who do want to be together and who if not actually love each other, at least have mutual respect and compassion for each other. I'm not sure your husband even has that. I'm not sure what his angle is and he is even there. I suspect he wants some kind of Spouse Appliance that cooks and cleans and keeps the kids out of his hair so he can run around and do whatever he wants and let's you deal with the domestic issues. 

I'm not sure what MC will accomplish here. I have the feeling if he does open up and state what he wants during a counseling session, the bottom line will be that he wants you to keep the kids out of his hair and not bug him for anything. 

Some guys don't want to divorce because they want 24/7 access and contact to their children and want to live in nuclear family unit and they don't want to be separated from their family even if their marriage isn't ideal. 

Guys like your H don't want to be divorced because many courts today have default shared custody in which he would have to put up with the kids on his own half the time and he would have to pay some kind of child support for the other half. 

He'd rather just stay in the home, do his own thing, and let you deal with all the domestic issues. 

MC is not going to change him or change his attitude. You would need aliens to abduct him and transplant a different soul and persona into his body for that. 

The real harm with MC is he could sit there and say what you want to hear and nod his head in agreement with everything and say that he will do all these things you want, but then not actually follow through with anything and you'll be right back where you started. 

I kind of agree with the others that the time, money and energy that you will spend on MC will probably be better spent packing bags and divorcing and moving on to a new life without him. 

You married a dud under false pretenses. I am sorry.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

I can't claim any successes. All i can say is "you're not alone" out there.


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