# I need a male's perspective please.



## Starting Over in Life (Oct 19, 2012)

This is going to be long and I am sorry, but I am desperate for help.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, living together since October. In March, he bought this very large, beautiful home with the intention of us starting a family together. I am legally married to another man, but right now it's more like a contract marriage because I need health insurance and it's free while we're still married. Since March, this has been driving my boyfriend crazy, and he is understandably insecure because he believes I am keeping my ex as a backup or something, and he wants a relationship with a single woman, not one who is still married. He has become pretty religious over the past year.

My boyfriend used to be an alcoholic, he quit completely since April 25th of this year. Everything was amazing, and I have LOVED the sober him. On June 2nd, I found out that on new years eve when he was completely wasted and stoned, he asked a woman if she wanted to have sex with him. She said no. This happened after I "broke up" with him immaturely because he was being a drunken ass. We were all in the same house together, but I had went to bed early because I was mad, and this girl thankfully said hell no (plus she was married and her husband was in the other room). I confronted him about this information, and he apologized profusely saying he doesn't remember any of this and that he was too drunk. I kind of believe him, because back in his alcoholic days, he never remembered what happened the night before and I'd always have to tell him.

On June 5th, I rented a U-haul truck and made him move all of the furniture in the house (everything was mine) into the truck, and then made him unload the contents into a storage unit. While he was unpacking the truck, I told him he has two options - keep packing my stuff up and we will never see each other again, or follow some of my "rules" so we can get back to where we were before I found out that he did this. He said he'd do whatever it took for us to be together (it was things like no weed, no alcohol, GPS on his phone, and counseling).
Fast forward a couple weeks, and he was doing great! He did everything I asked. But, I had been verbally abusive to him since June 2nd when I found out what he did. It was wrong, and I was acting on my emotions. I called him names and told him he was worthless. On June 22, his mom came down because a month earlier, I bought her plane tickets to surprise him. I did NOT know she was a huge ghetto pothead. She smoked weed 5x a day, every day. My boyfriend began to smoke with her, despite it making me cry. On June 24th, I pulled him aside and said it was either me or the weed. He tried to fight it and convince me to just let him smoke while his mom was there, and I said no, I will go to U-haul if he keeps it up. He then tells me I am worth more to him than the weed and he chose me. Then 30 seconds go by and he says "You know what, maybe you should go to U-haul!". I was shocked but angry so I went and got a truck, hired two men to pack up, and within 24 hours I was gone. I had to stay the night that night, and he hugged me and said he was sorry he was being a jerk, he was just sad to see me go, and he missed me and didn't want me to leave. I was still angry, and that following morning, I finished moving out. About five minutes before I was finished loading the last of my stuff, he serves me with an eviction notice and was being a huge jerk.

We didn't talk for 5 days. Eventually we began texting again and he said he did want to talk to me, but we need to take things slow. I ended up driving to his house an hour away (moved in with my mom) and we had sex that night twice, and then again in the morning (this is July 1st and 2nd). The morning of the 2nd, we laid on the couch cuddling while he played xbox in silence. He had been sitting by himself playing xbox, not leaving the house, not even for church and he is their choir director, since I left him on June 25th. I asked him what would be best for us and our relationship, and he said "Just for us to take it really slow, maybe once you finally get divorced we will be in a better place and move back in together and have a real relationship." I then asked him what he was thinking a few times, then he finally explodes and says "My girlfriend made me pack up all her furniture, then load it into storage, then tells me she is willing to stay with me, so I unload all her furniture and put it all back together. Then a couple weeks later she just ends up leaving me again and I do it all over again. She doesn't talk to me for several days, then comes over and we have sex and now I am cuddling with her, and my feelings are hurt. I am mad, sad, upset, confused and I just want to sit here and play my d*mn xbox and not leave my house, is that okay with you? You're going to make me start crying again and I am tired of crying!" So we sat there and just held each other in silence. Then he says he is going to go to the gas station to get something to wrap his weed in so he can smoke (he was smoking since I left because he was angry and sad and just wanted to smoke and be alone). I got overly emotional and yelled at him saying "Don't contact me till you stop smoking weed!" and while I was storming out, he says "can I please get a hug before you leave?" and I said NO and drove off back to my mom's house an hour away.

Didn't talk for 3 days. I texted him on July 5th, asking if he wanted me to ever contact him again. He replied back with an emoticon that was mouthless. So I called him, and he had a snobby attitude and said "you told me not to contact you so I am doing just that!" (he thought I said don't contact me ever again, when I actually said not to contact me till he was done smoking). So I drove an hour back to his house. He let me in and asked why I was there. I told him for sex. He said he wasn't going to put out. So we sat on the couch and I just caressed his arm while he played Xbox. About 20 minutes of this later, and he went to the bedroom with me and we ended up having sex twice. He asked me if that were all I came over for, I told him no I just wanted to see him and maybe talk a little. We fell asleep holding each other. When we woke up, we had sex again. He needed me to take him to his car, so as we were driving to its location, we were laughing and joking and he called me "baby" a few times. Before I let him out of the car, I made him kiss me like 20 times and he was laughing while fake resisting.
I ended up staying in his town for five hours running my errands, and before I left I asked if I could stop by to say goodbye. He said texted no, and that we already did that when I kissed him in the car. I texted back saying maybe we can have a quickie and I just wanted another kiss to say goodbye. He responded that he was too sore to have sex again today, and that we aren't saying goodbye, we are saying later. I asked him if he still loved me, and he texted "I love you." I left his town and went home, then before bed that night I texted him that he doesn't have to respond to this, but that I missed him, loved him, and was going to bed. I told him I have been praying for God to open his heart back up to me and the love I am giving him. He did not respond.

My question, after reading all this, is there any hope? Why is he being so cold? I know I was emotionally abusive to him after I found out what he did on New years, and he is hurting a lot. I know he loves me still. But is all hope lost? I feel he has put up these very large walls to keep me out. Should I keep slowly trying to break them down? I know he wants me to be divorced, my ex husband and I are filing tomorrow (was supposed to be last week but my ex was too busy with work). Does he WANT me to leave him alone, or is he trying to see how hard I am willing to work at us? That I am actually willing to be divorced and not leading him on? 
Since I moved out, I have been reading a lot of books about relationships and I am hurt/shocked at how bad I have been treating him. I wrote him a long letter on June 30th which outlined the things I learned from my readings, and what I wanted to change. He told me when I was at his house on July 2nd that he really liked my letter and I acknowledged all the wrong things I have been doing that he had a problem with while we were together. On July 6th in the car, he told me he can SEE that I am trying to change and he likes how I am communicating with him now. But he is still being cold.

As a man, what does this mean? What should I do? I know continue with my divorce and keep being the better woman that I should have been while we were together, but what else? Sorry I am rambling now, and if you took the time to read this, I appreciate it more than you could ever know.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

I will respond later " on my phone right now". But before I do a few questions.

1. Did you cheat on your husband with this guy?

2. Are you 100% in this fight?


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Either you want a relationship with him or you want to be married. You can't have it both ways.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Wow you're married just for insurance? 
Wow talk about taking advantage of someone, you need to get divorced before worring about if its going to work with your boyfriend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why do you keep going back for more punishment. He's being as clear as he could be about who he is and what his priorities are, and you keep ignoring him. 

How old are the two of you?

And start working on your issues for YOUR sake. It may help with this relationship, it may help with the next. But those are your issues to deal with, in either case. 

And btw... Dating is a time for the two of you to figure out if you're compatible. Seems pretty clear what the answer is on that, at least from the outside. 

And what kind of choir director is a pot smoking alcoholic adulterer? Does he have a job?

And to your question about why he's so cold to you... My thoughts are that he's already shown you that he doesn't care if he's in a relationship with you or not. But you keep on coming over and having sex with him in between video games. The only thing he wants from you is a romp in the sack every once in awhile (duh) and other than that, he has no use for you. Again, he's shown you clearly who he is and what he wants. Yet you refuse to believe him. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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