# How to get into reconciliation mood?



## Spiderman (Oct 29, 2012)

We've had problems in our marriage quite a while now which we never discuss. During the first couple of years I learned that when ever I would try to discuss anything he would just lock up - he literally wouldn't say a word  

I strongly believe that if there is anything you're not happy about then you better talk about it, find a solution suitable for both and move on. Unfortunately my husband doesn't think so, he wants to avoid conflicts with all costs. I got sick of talking by myself and started to avoid any arguments. The resentment would grow inside me and sometimes I'd explode. Of course this was even worse for him because it would come like a lightning out from a clear sky and he wouldn't understand what had caused it. Over time I managed to hide my anger inside longer. With that I started to withdraw from him - less emotional closeness equals less pain, right. 

After almost 7 years I realized that I don't really know him, he doesn't share his dreams and views of life. He bought things without discussing with me so that i couldn't say no, especially when we had talked about cutting down expenses for a few weeks. There were excuses why he didn't have sex drive, yet I found out that he likes to watch porn. I find our sex life almost missing but the bits we have are boring and without passion. If I tried to spice things up he wouldn't function. He won't tell me what he dreams about in there as well. If I tell him what I like then I can feel how nervous he is trying to perform and it turns me off. Usually next time we are hitting the same boring "safe" pattern. If it is up to him then - never outside of bedroom or never outside bed even. It frustrates me to tears that I've been waiting for him to do everything he sees in these porn movies but he never will. Some other man would give his right arm to have a partner who wants to experiment constantly, yet now I have to remain a nun. 

OK. So I told him that I'm not taking it anymore, I can't do this to myself for the rest of my life! He promised to change etc. I asked him to see a psychologist, he thought that we don't have money for that so he found some books and started to read. I found some books and started to read as well, tried to do exercises with him described in book. Things seemed to get better. But again, I felt bothered that he never discussed with me what he was finding out or what was going on at all. He said not to worry, that he has understood now what he's been missing and he tries harder. He started to tell me compliments, tried to give me a lot of attention so I tried to reflect, make him feel good too. I thought that this is our chance of getting better, to grow together again. We even had sex 3 times a week!!! And if I initiated he would be fine, no dysfunctions!! 

I thought that he must be seeing all this success, it must be lifting his confidence and show him that he can come out of his shell a bit more, that I don't bite. So when ever I saw that his anxiety was coming before initiating sex I would try to get his thoughts elsewhere so he could calm down to be able to proceed with it later. All worked for 2 months. Then the last drop fell for me. He wanted to initiate and again had this nasty anxiety on his face, in his limbs, in his appearance, in his movements, it was still there like these 2 months hadn't been there! I just couldn't take it anymore, I was so tired of dragging him through it. It's like I had to beg for a sex or work my butt of to have it, being a psychologist and a wife at the same time. I guess I started to pity myself. I still can't get my head around it, if 2 people like and love each other and find attractive then sex should be just a normal action, how can it become such a painful and hurtful experience??? 

We didn't talk about it for 3 weeks, he pretended that nothing had happened and I didn't bother to start anything and look at his silent face once again. By then the tension was so thick from my part that it all came out and I said that I'm done with this "game" - I thought that we were having progress during these 2 months but I'd rather not have sex at all than to see how hard and scary it it for him to have sex with his wife. Every single time I had to keep telling myself that it is not me, it is not my problem but eventually it will get you! It starts to be embarrassing that your husband can't have sex with you. Since then I've been slowly withdrawing from him 

He found the book *No More Mr. Nice Guy* and says that he finds so many similarities with the description of NG. He is reading it now and is trying to figure out his issues. Sometimes he discusses some of it with me. I'm very happy about that. I understand that he needs to work with himself but I appreciate that he doesn't keep me completely in dark either.

He is very scared of the process of course, no wonder. I think he could use a lot of support. But to be honest, I'm also very scared and have my issues to fix which will make supporting him very difficult for me. I feel like I've shut down my feelings for him, I'm numb, I'm rather looking for ways of separate myself from him (for example having long walks alone after he comes home, reading a book in separate room).

I am probably shutting myself down not to let him close once again and hurt me, ok I get that. But this is not the way our marriage can improve. Am I punishing him? As of why should I be instantly ready now only because he has decided to do something about it? (like a little child I know)

I'm so numb at the moment that I don't even know if I want to try to fix the marriage or not. I want to run away and hide under a big rock for sure but this doesn't get me anywhere really 

What should I do about that numbness? Do I need to give myself some time and not pressure myself into making decisions?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

I'm not sure what to tell you...other than my spouse was in your shoes. Two years later she still wanted a divorce as she described herself as emotionally broken. (numb) What I can say is that after watching her, listening, and busting my own tail on me.....WORK ON YOU. The marriage has done some damage to your self worth and self esteem. My ex didn't work on herself. Now, we are divorced. I am moving forward in life with healthy relationships and happiness. She is struggling. 

Get yourself happy with you, then, if he has done the work, you should start to feel like trying.

And, yes, no decisions while you are experiencing the "apathy"...give it a little time. Work on you, and observe him.


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## Spiderman (Oct 29, 2012)

Thanks, Dedicated2Her, appreciate your reply. I agree 100%.


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