# Punishment?



## _Josephine_ (Sep 7, 2013)

Guys, what's the worst punishment for you personally (from your wife)? What makes you think/feel that you really did something wrong or at least should take a bit more care of your wife/give her more attention?


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

While i'm not married I can say the worst form of punishment you can get is the silent treatment because operating in a vacuum really sucks.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

None. I am a adult not a child. I don't need to be punished. 
Open communication is the only real solution.


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

Punishment? I guess that means I would have to do something bad? Hmmmm, will have to try that and see what happens.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> Punishment? I guess that means I would have to do something bad? Hmmmm, will have to try that and see what happens.


Not necessarily. In some cases punishment can be seen as a reward....


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I'm not really understanding this question...when you are talking about doing something wrong, and being punished for it...could you give some examples?


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

People get hurt feelings, get angry, etc. and sometimes that takes hours or days to work through.

But punishment? I guess I'm not understanding either.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Philat said:


> Not necessarily. In some cases punishment can be seen as a reward....


*Yeah, Philat! Ol' Marquis de Sade would be right up in the middle of the bandwagon, holding up a sign to that effect! I can't help but think that this is my rich, skanky, XW's exact mantra!*


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

I am not sure which is worse......

'the silence' or 'the nothing'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## _Josephine_ (Sep 7, 2013)

I didn't mean "punishment" as in how one would treat a child after it did something bad... but more like a personal "feeling of being punished". Me for example, I feel very punished and sad when my husband gives his full concentration and time to something very unimportant instead of me (usually after we had an argument, even if it was already a day ago). For example, he can be on the computer playing a random game or read articles and news for hours and hours on his phone (also in bed). I could be jumping naked in front of him or play Twister with the neighbour if I wanted, I could be bleeding to death from a knife cut or move out of the house, he would not notice anything, because, as I said, he fully concentrates on his stuff. So there can be days without a kiss, without a word and he will see them as normal and I will be feeling strongly punished and this will happen usually after an argument, even if I am 100% right and he actually was "the bad one".


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Why do you ask?


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## _Josephine_ (Sep 7, 2013)

MSP said:


> Why do you ask?


Because my husband never notices or believes it when I am really upset/angry/sad. Even when I directly say it into his face. Maybe I just "talk the wrong language".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

_Josephine_ said:


> Because my husband never notices or believes it when I am really upset/angry/sad. Even when I directly say it into his face. Maybe I just "talk the wrong language".


Do you set boundaries based on the things that upset you?

Could you give a few examples on some things that he does not notice and/or believe? Then maybe we can help you communicate in a way that he will "hear".


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Punishment,punishment,punishment............did you say punishment.

OMG your not his parent! In my humble opinion adult married people don't punish each other. 

if he don't make the grade after talking about something important either accept it or disolve your marriage


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Perhaps the OP should have used the word consequence instead of punishment. I think I understand what she is trying to ask, I say this because I have the same kind of ignoring/neglecting behavior going on in my house and my husband pretends (IMO) to not notice or understand my upset when this behavior occurs.

For example, due to an accident that occurred in my home I experienced a deep laceration in my arm that obviously needed stitches. It was deep enough that tendons were visible and I was bleeding. I needed to go to the ER and my husband stated “can you manage on your own; I am in the middle of something”. I ended up driving myself to the ER and came home with 20 staples in my forearm.

To this day, my husband says that he “didn’t think I needed help” in the above situation and does not understand why I am hurt and angry about this (and other similar incidents). He states that I am “dwelling in the past” when I try and explain to him how these neglectful incidents made me feel.

I know this is an extreme example however there have been many such extreme examples of neglect in my house. How in the world do you set a boundary or a consequence for such behavior?


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

_Josephine_ said:


> Guys, what's the worst punishment for you personally (from your wife)? What makes you think/feel that you really did something wrong or at least should take a bit more care of your wife/give her more attention?


Josephine you used the correct word. Yes guys and girls there are people out there that want to punish the people they love "in their own twisted little way" because of some imaginary faults or something they perceived as faults at one time but the person in cause never brought them up for discussion. 
It is true and twisted and it happens a lot in young couples in Europe


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> Punishment,punishment,punishment............did you say punishment.
> 
> OMG your not his parent! In my humble opinion adult married people don't punish each other.
> 
> if he don't make the grade after talking about something important either accept it or disolve your marriage


You are so, so right. But believe it or not sometimes those things happen. We wake up one morning and out of the blue the person next to us (whom we thought to be our lover, our best friend, our strongest supporter) has accumulated small pains from minor things, has added them up and turned them into a very big snow ball and he/she just wants to hurt the person they love because they are hurt themselves. It is very twisted but it does happen and a lot. 
And I agree with you that it shouldn't and that people should discuss things. But what can one do if the other person expects us to guess what they feel or think? (and they feel hurt when we don't).


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The worst punishment my wife gives is either blowing up and being really insulting and abusive or giving me a week-long silent treatment.

Neither these two nor any other "punishments" she chooses to dole out make me feel, think, or act any other way than to think she's a raving b!tch who doesn't know how good she has it. And I've gone through a few years of personal journeys that have taught me that my will and strength far surpass hers.

So the "punishments" she sometimes tries to dole out end up punishing no-one but her. I can, and will, live an awesome life with or without her in it.

Now, if she wants to sit down and rationally tell me about something I did that hurt her or something, I'm more than open to listening and making change.

Oh, and the last time my wife and I had a fight, she said some stupid things. I was so not into her for days afterward that she literally did come to bed naked several times and practically beg for sex.

I was very turned off and focused on my book and getting a good night's sleep. I wasn't even interested in her for sex and sex alone.

We have emotions too.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Well, this guy finally seemed to hear his wife when she told him she was done.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/188249-ive-treated-my-wife-badly.html

I'm not saying you need to do that, but if HE is punishing you by single-mindedly tuning you out completely when he is mad at you (punishment? silent treatment?), you do eventually have to ask yourself how long would it take before you would be "done" with him if nothing changes. 

That's your outside boundary - if he can't communicate with you and stays mad for days and tunes you out, then you sit him down and tell him your marriage is in trouble because being tuned out for days at a time is NOT the kind of marriage that can survive long term. It's not possible to sustain a marriage with that kind of behavior.

Having said all that, when I was in a relationship and was on my way to "done," I pretty much stopped wanting to have sex with him. THAT got his attention. Unfortunately, he refused to consider that anything other than SEX was the problem, refused to work on the issues that led me to the point where I wanted no sex anymore, and thus, I left.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I don’t think in terms of ‘punishment’, I think ‘ramifications’. It’s a subtle difference, but a ramification is a direct result of whatever it is they do and has more to do with how you feel about it and deal with it; Reaction you have as a result. A punishment is an “I’ll show you!” vendetta. 

So the ramifications vary a lot based on how it really affects me emotionally and it evolves as she reacts.

If it’s something really trivial like a peeve, where I was wrong, but didn’t deserve her reaction. I might go for the jovial since the intent is to get her ‘lighten up’. Your naked dancing would work. You should try it just to see if he can stay mad. Better, use a hula-hoop, popsicle or some other prop. That way, he’ll remember and so if the kids are around, sometimes just walking into the room carrying a hula-hoop will bring a smile because he knows what you would do if the kids weren’t there. 

If it’s something more serious like an escalation in her head and massive overreaction. I “crazy train” her. Just jump right in to that argument. The point on this is to make her approach of overreaction incredibly unsavory to do. You just have to break them of the idea that this particular approach of theirs will not only insure they won’t get what they want, but will result in damage to the relationship. So off come the “I don’t want to hurt your feelings” filters and just start spewing your anger where if me not putting down the toilet seat leads to divorce because she’s escalated it in her head to ‘doesn’t respect or care about me’… So be it. It’s ok for her to be a bit insane, I just ask she recognize when she does it. When it becomes so unsavory to try to pull that bull on you, they’ll change tactics and adjust. My wife is still insane, but now recovers within an hour or so and apologizes for over-reacting; And we’re good again. The week long silent treatments are gone. Carrot and stick it.

And I should also note that I always extend an olive branch early on. This is just my way of letting her choose whether she wants to handle this like adults and talk, or like we’re in the sandbox.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

_Josephine_ said:


> Because my husband never notices or believes it when I am really upset/angry/sad. Even when I directly say it into his face. Maybe I just "talk the wrong language".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Silent treatment + no sex:smthumbup:


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

The silent treatment, but I don't view it as punishment, I view it as ecstasy


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

okeydokie said:


> The silent treatment, but I don't view it as punishment, I view it as ecstasy


Depends on whom you married.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

marduk said:


> Oh, and the last time my wife and I had a fight, she said some stupid things. I was so not into her for days afterward that she literally did come to bed naked several times and practically beg for sex.
> 
> I was very turned off and focused on my book and getting a good night's sleep. I wasn't even interested in her for sex and sex alone.
> 
> We have emotions too.


Of course the opposite side of the coin is if you are always the one who has to initiate and she never "begs" for sex. I wish that would happen but I'm not likely to see that in this marriage.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jb02157 said:


> Of course the opposite side of the coin is if you are always the one who has to initiate and she never "begs" for sex. I wish that would happen but I'm not likely to see that in this marriage.


I initiate 99.999999999% of the time. Don't get me wrong.

She was trying to use sex to get me "over" her being cruel without actually apologizing or agreeing that it was wrong.

Once you get to a place where "punishments" no longer work they no longer have any power over you... and usually they stop quickly.

People punish because it works.

My wife gives me silent treatment = go do something awesome. Action movie, beers with friends, work out, etc. I don't let it get me down.

My wife is cruel = I shut down until she makes it right. See above. I don't let it get me down. Insist on an apology and recognition of wrongdoing.


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