# Wife won't touch me sexually



## boredinkansas (Jan 8, 2013)

We've been together over 5 years and married 2. As in most relationships sex was more frequent and varied before marriage. In the past year we have sex at best twice a month. I initiate every time and it always feels like a victory that I actually get to have sex with my wife. 

I regularly give her massages of all kinds, do a lot around the house as far as chores go and try to make her life comfortable as much as possible. I'd like to have sex every day but realize that isn't practical.

Weekly would be nice but that hasn't happened in over a year.

Lately it seems that after giving her oral sex my wife just wants me to hurry up and orgasm with intercourse. She has very little interest in penetration. I actually stopped having sex with her last night because she told me to hurry up. That killed it for me. I NEED an active partner... not someone to basically jerk off into. 

We talked and she stated that it's all about oral to her because she doesn't get off with penetration. That's fine... but I don't get off giving her oral either. I enjoy doing it because it brings her pleasure. 

To me that would be comparable to me going down on her and sighing and looking at my wristwatch. Know what I mean?

She then complained that I don't always start off with oral sex and that is true. I often like to have intercourse, then oral for her (at least two orgasms) and then back to intercourse to my completion.

I wouldn't feel the need to initially go to intercourse if I didn't have such a need to feel skin on skin contact. She WILL NOT touch my penis for hand jobs, oral or anything. I'm a very clean person. I shower every single day. I have received MAYBE two blow jobs for less than two minutes in the last few years together. I need to be touched and often that need overrides my desire to warm her up with oral sex. 

She has no sex drive and so I have to tell her "Let's turn the TV off for awhile" or "I need some attention" and pull her towards me. There is almost ALWAYS resistance and I feel like I have to talk her in to any activity.

I'm kind of losing my mind over this.


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## juicecondensation (Oct 11, 2012)

I might get some flack for saying this. But it sounds like you just happened to marry a normal woman.

These high sex drived women who "loves" giving blowjobs and having sex in all kinds of way are rare, very rare.... In reality most women are pretty boring in bed.

The best you can hope for is that she starts to become more open minded as the years go by.


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## boredinkansas (Jan 8, 2013)

No flak here. I get that we have mismatched sex drives but it really bothers me that she won't touch me. I'm not looking for a porn star but it would be nice if when we're "fooling around" before sex that she would at least play with me a bit. I don't need any help getting an erection but I've expressed my need for her to touch me during foreplay to no avail.


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## juicecondensation (Oct 11, 2012)

boredinkansas said:


> No flak here. I get that we have mismatched sex drives but it really bothers me that she won't touch me. I'm not looking for a porn star but it would be nice if when we're "fooling around" before sex that she would at least play with me a bit. I don't need any help getting an erection but I've expressed my need for her to touch me during foreplay to no avail.


You wanting her to touch you is not unreasonable at all. 

I'd think(or atleast I'd like to think) that even though most women have low sex drives they will still touch their husbands in intimate ways just to make him feel good if anything.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

She doesn't like sex with you because she's probably not attracted to you.

Go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and buy the Primer. Then, run the Marriage Action Plan (MAP) to make yourself more attractive to your wife.

Also, don't have kids until you've resolved this. If you're frustrated with your sex life before kids, you'll be suicidal afterwards.

Good luck.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

boredinkansas said:


> I regularly give her massages of all kinds, do a lot around the house as far as chores go and try to make her life comfortable as much as possible.


This never ever ever works. You meet all her needs in the hope that she will meet yours but what really happens is the marriage works great for HER then she doesn't have to DO anything.

So the first step is to stop with all the niceties. Why should her life be all comfy cozy while you 'lose your mind'?


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> She doesn't like sex with you because she's probably not attracted to you.
> 
> Go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and buy the Primer. Then, run the Marriage Action Plan (MAP) to make yourself more attractive to your wife.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## boredinkansas (Jan 8, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> This never ever ever works. You meet all her needs in the hope that she will meet yours but what really happens is the marriage works great for HER then she doesn't have to DO anything.
> 
> So the first step is to stop with all the niceties. Why should her life be all comfy cozy while you 'lose your mind'?


I've tried the opposite before and it just led to resentment for me not being kind enough and that did nothing to further our sex life.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Mavash. is so right. I just recently stopped doing everything for my H. He noticed right away and wanted to know what was up. We never did finish that conversation. Any way, stop with the massages definitely. You don't have to be a prick about anything, just don't be so accommodating and trying to make her comfortable.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Listen to the posts above. Being "extra nice" and trying to bribe her with massages, housework, etc. will not work. That's not to say that you need to be a jerk. You need to be civil and kind and make sure that you do your fair share of the work load around the house, but going above and beyond will NOT engender that "Oh, I gotta have him" feeling in her. 
There has been a loss of attraction and her motor is not running. And doing massages and other "nice" things will not make her change. You need to figure out what will. To that end, I also recommend that you read Married Man's Sex Life and No More Mister Nice Guy. I'm not saying that either or both of these are panaceas for your situation, but it will definitely give you a different perspective on how to approach things.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

boredinkansas said:


> There is almost ALWAYS resistance and I feel like I have to talk her in to any activity.
> 
> I'm kind of losing my mind over this.


Maybe talk more with her and less too her about what you want, did she touch your package before you were married? Sounds like the classic once married lose desire for sex, or at least the lust.

When my wife and I had issues like this in the later years I found talking with her about what she wanted and I wanted in the bedroom was the best route. But you have to do it in a no finger pointing way. It did not change over night but after several talks we started to get back to sex like we had earlier in our relationship.

The older I get the more touching I need, she was good at it as well as oral. My wife preferred me to complete before the oral, maybe that is a route to start and stay on for awhile.


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## boredinkansas (Jan 8, 2013)

Code-Welder said:


> Maybe talk more with her and less too her about what you want, did she touch your package before you were married? Sounds like the classic once married lose desire for sex, or at least the lust.
> 
> When my wife and I had issues like this in the later years I found talking with her about what she wanted and I wanted in the bedroom was the best route. But you have to do it in a no finger pointing way. It did not change over night but after several talks we started to get back to sex like we had earlier in our relationship.
> 
> The older I get the more touching I need, she was good at it as well as oral. My wife preferred me to complete before the oral, maybe that is a route to start and stay on for awhile.


She used to be much more active in foreplay and yes she would touch me. Hell, I remember one time early in our relationship where she pulled my **** out under the table at a restaurant and played with it for about five minutes. That was probably 5 years ago.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> She doesn't like sex with you because she's probably not attracted to you.
> 
> Go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and buy the Primer. Then, run the Marriage Action Plan (MAP) to make yourself more attractive to your wife.
> 
> ...


100% agree about the kids....be solid and resolve before kids.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

boredinkansas said:


> I've tried the opposite before and it just led to resentment for me not being kind enough and that did nothing to further our sex life.


You probably tried it wrong. You were probably a passive aggressive jerk trying to wake her up. That doesn't work, either.

What works is you stop catering to her and doing your own thing. And not being pissy about it. Just go out for a walk instead of giving her a massage. If she asks about it, just matter of factly tell her you're going for a walk. If she asks you to give her a massage, tell her you don't have time. And then do something to show her you really don't have the time.

Good luck.


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## boredinkansas (Jan 8, 2013)

wiigirl said:


> 100% agree about the kids....be solid and resolve before kids.


She's brought up kids in the past and I've plainly stated that I'm concerned about the frequency of our sex life now and that I would need assurances that it wouldn't disappear altogether before going down that road. She said that conversation made her uncomfortable and we haven't really talked more about children since.


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## boredinkansas (Jan 8, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> You probably tried it wrong. You were probably a passive aggressive jerk trying to wake her up. That doesn't work, either.
> 
> What works is you stop catering to her and doing your own thing. And not being pissy about it. Just go out for a walk instead of giving her a massage. If she asks about it, just matter of factly tell her you're going for a walk. If she asks you to give her a massage, tell her you don't have time. And then do something to show her you really don't have the time.
> 
> Good luck.


I'm not knocking what you're saying but that still seems quite passive aggressive to me. I have hobbies that I could be working on but I just don't see how that will help.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

All of the following assumes there are no physical or mental issues that would otherwise limit her involvement in sex in your marriage.

No sex is usually the symptom of something else breaking down in the marriage.

When sex breaks down, it's because someone's needs aren't being met. First thing is to ask her what her needs are in the marriage. Once she has defined those needs, ask her whether you are meeting those needs. If she says you aren't, there's your starting point. Meet those needs... not once but continually and confirm with her that you are. This will be important for later.

You then need to explain to her that an "intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship" (not "sex") is required in the relationship. If she can't meet that need for you, you will become frustrated and resentful and less likely to meet her needs. If you don't meet her needs and she doesn't meet yours, you are just room mates and there's no need for a marriage. Divorce MUST be an option through all of this, otherwise you will either live a frustrated, sexless life or will ultimately cheat.

Remember two things... First, you are looking for an "intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship", not "duty sex". Second, don't let her minimize your need. "All you want is sex" or "Sex isn't important" are not acceptable answers. This is one of your needs and if she has confirmed you are meeting her needs why can't she meet yours???

Ask her if she thinks an "intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship" is important in a marriage. If she says no, then tell her if it isn't important you will get that need taken care of elsewhere. If she says yes, then ask her why she won't meet that need.

Explain to her that you promised monogamy but not celibacy. Monogamy is expected in a marriage, but that expectation is based on sexual activity in the marriage. Let's say that as part of the marriage your job is to take care of the family vehicles. Let's say your wife's car needs work and you refuse to take care of it (you're "tired" or "not in the mood", etc...). If your wife needs the car, she'll take it to a mechanic, right? There are expectations in a marriage, whether it's chores, finances, child care or sexual intimacy and if those expectations are not met, things fall apart.

I speak from experience here. It's not easy. We went to two marriage counselors and it wasn't until my wife realized I had gotten divorce paperwork and started looking for another place to live did she realize she needed to step up. We're in a much better place now, and that includes an "intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship" in which she is fully involved.


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## NelsonTrouble (Jan 5, 2013)

It could be possible that there is some emotional block happening due to another area in your relationship. Maybe she's angry or hurt inside regarding something that is or is not happening not realated to sex at all. Many women do seem to have a lower sexual drive then men at different ages/stages of life also, this is something to take into consideration. In 5 or 10 years she may hit her sexual prime as you are declining in this department. I know that me any my husband over the past 10 years have had ebbs and flows for sure, but the MOST dappening effect on a sex life is children. We have two at this point and by the time they're in bed and were in bed, good luck getting me awake enough to even know its happening. I assume this will be the case for the next few years. Luckily I plan on forever. Best of luck to you.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

boredinkansas said:


> I've tried the opposite before and it just led to resentment for me not being kind enough and that did nothing to further our sex life.


Then either you did it wrong or she doesn't care about you.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

juicecondensation said:


> I might get some flack for saying this. But it sounds like you just happened to marry a normal woman.
> 
> These high sex drived women who "loves" giving blowjobs and having sex in all kinds of way are rare, very rare.... In reality most women are pretty boring in bed.
> 
> The best you can hope for is that she starts to become more open minded as the years go by.


Flak? Yep, you should get some. I don't believe "normal" (whatever you mean by that, I'd use the term "average") married women refuse to touch their husbands or limit sex to 2x per month.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

boredinkansas said:


> I'm not knocking what you're saying but that still seems quite passive aggressive to me. I have hobbies that I could be working on but I just don't see how that will help.


Not at all. Passive aggressive is giving her the silent treatment or glowering at her when she enters the room. That communicates that you're pissed at her.

Doing your own thing is entirely different. Rather than trying to bribe your way into having sex, or following her around like a puppy dog hoping for a bone, you're just a busy guy. You're independent. Women like independent men. It's attractive.

Right now, your wife probably believes that sex isn't a requirement in your marriage. That she can get everything she wants from you and all she has to put up with is a little complaining on your part. That's understandable because that's likely what you've done up to now.

However, if you separate yourself from her, that starts to unravel. You're not so dependent on her. You can do your own thing. You don't need her as much as she thinks you do. First, that's sexy to her. Second, she starts to wonder what she can do to pull your attention back to her. Well, the obvious answer is give you some loving.

Seriously. Buy the MMSL book and run the MAP. The strategy and the reasoning is spelled out. The MAP is amazingly successful. It's not 100% guaranteed (what is?). But it has worked for hundreds, or thousands, of marriages. What have you got to lose?

P.S. And I'm not even the guy behind the book. I make nothing on it. I'm just a guy that used it to help my own marriage.

Good luck.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

DONT EVER HAVE KIDS WITH THIS CHICK. She will turn into a "mother" and you will become her bill paying roommate. She cant even TALK about not having sex with you. She wont touch you sexually. Real question, no bullsh*t cause im dying t know, what DOES she do for you cause she DEFINITELY aint f*cking you. You have no kids. Why would you subject yourself another moment to this chronic and persistent rejection?

Good Luck with that bro.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

boredinkansas said:


> I'm kind of losing my mind over this.


As I said maybe talking *with* her and not *to* her is what is needed, bug difference.

It is odd she will not touch you, I think many women do not know how much men enjoy having the whole area around their package touched. 

I understand some women not liking to do oral but if a man stays clean I do not understand why a woman would not like touching your penis. Based on what you have said that was not a issue before. You two need to talk and do it as calmly as you can, try talking to one another not just past each other.

There is something underlining here and by no means at all do you want to have any kids till this issue is resolved. That would just make things far worse.

Be direct and ask her in a calm but meaningful way, why do you not like to touch or fondle me any more. That is a good start.


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## Pinacle47 (Nov 30, 2012)

This sounds so similar to what I'm going through with my husband. Unfortunately I don't have a lot of explanation or solution for it, but I did just have a few comments on it.

First of all, have you talked to her about it? Does she have issues with depression, etc.? Have you talked about couples therapy? My therapist told me once his friend who's a couple therapist said "90% of couples come to therapy too late"... just interesting to think about, if you don't think you "need" it yet, it can't hurt.

I mention depression because I suffer from it and though it may not totally explain my issues with sex, I'm sure it's a big component. Simple as that, really... it affects everything.

My husband also hasn't dealt with my lack of desire very well, and I think it's progressively turned into a sexual aversion. He tries to be understanding, but I know he has needs, both physical and emotional. I don't enjoy sex at all... but on top of it, he's always making comments like "I miss when you used to like 'xyz'", or "You used to touch me", "you used to love sex"... he knows I want to get better, but those comments just make me feel guilty and inadequate, and it turns me off to sex even more. I never had a problem going to great lengths to please my husband sexually and I enjoyed it, but now it's very difficult to do more than the bare minimum because it frankly grosses me out.

I agree with what some of the others said... there needs to be a balance between doing things for her and being independent. I know my behavior has made my husband insecure, which is unattractive to me. He does do the "puppy dog" thing, whereas he used to be confident and more independent. While I wouldn't be a total jerk and stop helping out to spite her, I would try to do it because it's fair to help, not in a "look, look, I cleaned the kitchen for you!" kind of way. Studies have actually shown that one of the most attractive things a man can do is more housework! But she needs to know you're doing it without seeking reciprocation, or it puts more pressure on her.

Being more independent also gives her some relief. Although I try to be understanding at *least* about my husband's physical needs, if he were to just not focus on sex so much, it would be such a relief to me, and I think it would actually help me be more open to it. But the constant pressure/focus on sex just perpetuates a cycle of aversion in me. So to whatever extent you can layoff sex for now (I'm not saying totally or forever, that wouldn't be fair to you), it could help in the short term.

Anyway, just some of my thoughts as someone who's kind of in the same place.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

Many women don't have orgasm from intercourse. Have you tried adding a toy to the equation? A vibrator can be used to stimulate the clit during intercourse, most likely contributing to orgasm and a more intense and enjoyable experience for her. I have a slim g-pot vibe, made by doc johnson, that I really enjoy during intercourse as well as vibrating c**krings. I love aplaceforpassion.com for buying my toys since the prices are awesome and delivery is quick. 

Lou Paget has a book called "How to be a Great Lover" with tons of advice on manual and oral stimulation included in it. It may be that she doesn't have the confidence that she is doing the right things or the knowledge base for a lot of different way to stimulate. These advanced techniques are quite fun. My husband is trilled with them and now that I have more knowledge and more feedback from him on what he enjoys, I really enjoy pleasuring him in this manner. Having the power to bring him to the brink and then backing off for a while, time and time again, until I decide when to take him over the edge is very enjoyable for me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much time a week do the two of you spend doing things together, just the two of you?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Pinacle47 said:


> This sounds so similar to what I'm going through with my husband. Unfortunately I don't have a lot of explanation or solution for it, but I did just have a few comments on it.
> 
> First of all, have you talked to her about it? Does she have issues with depression, etc.? Have you talked about couples therapy? My therapist told me once his friend who's a couple therapist said "90% of couples come to therapy too late"... just interesting to think about, if you don't think you "need" it yet, it can't hurt.
> 
> ...


I can really relate to this post, I think the OP should pay attention to this one. I went through a sexual aversion with my second husband. We started out really well, we were very compatible sexually. As time went by, his real personality started coming out. He was the most negative person I have ever known, he constantly criticized me, then would try to pass it off as joking. He would only touch me for sex. I can remember I used to sleep curled in the fetal position with my back to him, hoping to not get my boobs or my crotch groped. I HATED that so bad! It felt so demeaning and did not turn me on in the least. I told him many many times how it made me feel and he kept doing it anyway. He would never do ANYTHING to me that I enjoyed any more. I also mentioned to him that I didnt like it when he had his dentures out, so if he was hoping to come to bed and have sex, for him to leave them in. He didnt. He would openly complain to others about our sex life, and how I never gave it up any more. The more he complained and put me down, the less we had sex. 

I did not realize how much all of his criticism and dismissing my feelings affected me mentally, therefore sexually. I finally divorced him, and it took my next partner to make me realize how much of my sex drive was mental. 

THAT being said...my first marriage, my husband and I didnt have sex for two years. I came to the decision that I was not every having sex with him again. Sex with him was pretty much awful. He didnt like foreplay and never, ever wanted to have fun with sex. Sex wasnt supposed to be fun, it was something I was supposed to provide to him. He used to get pi$$ed off at me if I turned him down, he did that the first time I ever said no. I should have dumped him then. Also he drank too much too often and let his hygiene slide. I am mentioning this because, is it possible that the OP's wife just simply, flat out isnt attracted to him any more? Or does not truly enjoy the sex any more? I'm not posting all of this to bring attention to MY past issues, but to give some of the wifely perspective to the OP and other men having this issue.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

boredinkansas said:


> I'm not knocking what you're saying but that still seems quite passive aggressive to me. I have hobbies that I could be working on but I just don't see how that will help.


Sorry, it is NOT passive aggressive to have your life and hobbies and to make her less of a priority, matching her priority for you. It's called having self-respect, and self-respect is attractive.

If I was your wife and I didn't have to lift a finger in bed and you'd still please me reliably at my whim any night I wanted, I would definitely lose interest in you too.

You cannot "nice" a women to sleep with you... Quite the opposite, you have to have that IDGAF attitude sometimes so she has to earn it... She's not earning anything sexually right now, yet retains your sexual service.

Pay attention to the advice some of these men are giving you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

janesmith said:


> DONT You have no kids. Why would you subject yourself another moment to this chronic and persistent rejection?
> 
> Good Luck with that bro.


^^^^^^
This is the most important question right now.
You cannot " fix. " that woman, you can only fix yourself.

Chris Taylor above gave the best advice.
She used to have regular sex before marriage and now she only wants you to give her oral?
So your pleasure does not matter?

Why should you have to work hard to keep a roof over her head , food on the table , give her massages , clean the house , wash the dishes , empty the trash , and still no sex?

If you wan to have meaningful sex with a woman, then get rid of this woman and get one who is sexually attracted to and respects you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

OP, get that book, MMSL, and read it. It's the real deal.


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