# Wife thinks all my hobbies are stupid



## NotRespectedHubby (3 mo ago)

Im new here. This is my first post.

I have several issues that I need some advise on, but this is fresh on my mind this morning…..

I got up this morning about 830. Wife was already up. I saw the hamper was gone from the bathroom, so she must be downstairs doing laundry. So I get some coffee, and sit in my chair trying to wake up. When she comes back up, she has the empty hamper. She sets it on the floor and proceeds to tell me that my “painting room is gone”. (I had a room where I had a small corner with some acrylic paints and brushes). She said most of it she threw away, except for the things she thought Id be able to sell. Sure, I dont paint alot, but it was something I am interested in to occupy me in retirement. ( Im still working for now. Im 58). I also like to play guitar, go fishing, and watch movies.

Thats all I’ll say for now, til the discussion gets going.

Thanks


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Why do you think your wife doesn’t your wife respect you? How’s the sex life? What do you do to show her she’s loved? Do you take her places and enjoy one another’s company?
Is she always a jerk like this incident?
Where’s your favorite fishing spot? Go’s coordinates please.
What’s your wife really unhappy about?

lots of questions….


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Was your painting corner a mess? When was the last time you did any painting?

Not knowing anything about what your painting corner looked like or if it interfered with family living .... It's not cool that your wife threw your painting stuff away.

Can you still go into the trash and get the stuff she threw away?

If it were me, I'd go to a hobby store and buy new supplies. And I'd buy a case or tote to put it all in and find a place in the house to store it. That way you can take it out and use it when you want, but the rest of the time it's out of the way. Then tell her to keep her hands off your painting stuff.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Evinrude58 said:


> Why do you think your wife doesn’t your wife respect you? How’s the sex life? What do you do to show her she’s loved? Do you take her places and enjoy one another’s company?
> Is she always a jerk like this incident?
> Where’s your favorite fishing spot? Go’s coordinates please.
> What’s your wife really unhappy about?
> ...


Yep... this is sortof what my next post on here was going to be about.

@NotRespectedHubby, So what are the real problems in your relationship?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

She was wrong to throw your paints away.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Why didn’t she discuss with you before throwing your paints away?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I’m not getting “wife has no respect from me” from “she cleaned up some paint stuff I wasn’t using.” There has to be more to this.


It's "no respect" because she just did it without talking to him first. Disrespectful in my opinion.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Sounds to me that your wife doesn't necessarily find your interests stupid. It just might be that your interests do not include her. Most women who are not very happy in the marriage are not getting enough quality time with their spouse. With the exception of movie watching your others interests are singular. Also, I noticed you mentioning that your wife started laundry while you made yourself coffee and sat down. How much sitting are you actually doing? That in many marriages can be a problem as well. the man wants to sit and watch TV, or play games on his phone, whatever the case may be but they are not contributing to the weight of the obligations in the home, almost like the child being cared for by the mother and women can become resentful of this.It's my guess your wife tossed what she thought was no longer good and the suggestion of selling the other painting things was probably because all of this has been sitting there for quite some time so she did not think you had an active interest.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

She should not have thrown his paints away.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think it’s interesting that she kept the stuff you could “sell,” which tells me if your hobby benefits you both, then you can keep it. I think we need more information to go on before jumping to the conclusion that your wife doesn’t respect your hobbies but just reading the OP, it seems like unless it benefits you both, your hobby is meaningless. Does your wife have hobbies that don’t include you, OP?


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## NotRespectedHubby (3 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Why do you think your wife doesn’t your wife respect you? How’s the sex life? What do you do to show her she’s loved? Do you take her places and enjoy one another’s company?
> Is she always a jerk like this incident?
> Where’s your favorite fishing spot? Go’s coordinates please.
> What’s your wife really unhappy about?
> ...


Ill try to answer all these individually.

No respect…NOTHING I do, my income, my hobbies, my habits…seem to satisfy her. I make more than twice what she makes, and I do not bring that up ( Ive thought about it). I deny her nothing. She gets whatever material thing she wants, within reason. But she treats me like a child or a subordinate.

Sex Life…..Simple. None since 2015

Showing her she is loved….I compliment her on her outfits, her cooking, her decorating, I deny jer nothing as I said before.

Taking her places….We work opposite shifts, so almost every weekend, at least one day we take a day trip, and we do have fun together, most of the time.

Is she always a jerk….Pretty much. Although, this is the first time, that Im aware of at least, that she has looked me in the eye and told me she threw some of my stuff away. She is always domineering and self rightous.

What is she really unhappy about….I am a recovering alcoholic. Sober almost 10 years. Years ago, probably 10 years, I was unfaithful, and told her about it. But her behavior was pretty much the same before that, except for no sex. 

She would tell me I was wrong about the time of day, if we were staring at the same clock.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Was it because you painted the cat ?


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## NotRespectedHubby (3 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> I think it’s interesting that she kept the stuff you could “sell,” which tells me if your hobby benefits you both, then you can keep it. I think we need more information to go on before jumping to the conclusion that your wife doesn’t respect your hobbies but just reading the OP, it seems like unless it benefits you both, your hobby is meaningless. Does your wife have hobbies that don’t include you, OP?


Her only real hobby is continually decorating the house.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

NotRespectedHubby said:


> Ill try to answer all these individually.
> 
> No respect…NOTHING I do, my income, my hobbies, my habits…seem to satisfy her. I make more than twice what she makes, and I do not bring that up ( Ive thought about it). I deny her nothing. She gets whatever material thing she wants, within reason. But she treats me like a child or a subordinate.
> 
> ...


Well, there's your answer right there


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## NotRespectedHubby (3 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> He didn’t specifically say she didn’t talk to him first. You’re assuming that. She could have been asking for him to clean it up. If she did throw away his things without saying anything then yes, she is wrong to do that.
> 
> There is more to this.


No she did not talk to me about it beforehand. She is OCD. Never “officially” diagnosed, but she readily admits it.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Well if she is like this, why do YOU kow-tow to her? Maybe you should start living YOUR life instead of living for her.
STOP doing all the compliments, having her buy everything on the planet.
Look you cheated on her and she obviously has NOT forgotten it, nor decided to move past it.
The question is do you want to live like this for the rest of your life.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

It doesn't matter what you have ever done, she has no right to complain.


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## NotRespectedHubby (3 mo ago)

AVR1962 said:


> Sounds to me that your wife doesn't necessarily find your interests stupid. It just might be that your interests do not include her. Most women who are not very happy in the marriage are not getting enough quality time with their spouse. With the exception of movie watching your others interests are singular. Also, I noticed you mentioning that your wife started laundry while you made yourself coffee and sat down. How much sitting are you actually doing? That in many marriages can be a problem as well. the man wants to sit and watch TV, or play games on his phone, whatever the case may be but they are not contributing to the weight of the obligations in the home, almost like the child being cared for by the mother and women can become resentful of this.It's my guess your wife tossed what she thought was no longer good and the suggestion of selling the other painting things was probably because all of this has been sitting there for quite some time so she did not think you had an active interest.


Its true I havent painted in over a year. But it seems as though if I am not CONSTANTLY using something, I have quit using it.


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## NotRespectedHubby (3 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> Well if she is like this, why do YOU kow-tow to her? Maybe you should start living YOUR life instead of living for her.
> STOP doing all the compliments, having her buy everything on the planet.
> Look you cheated on her and she obviously has NOT forgotten it, nor decided to move past it.
> The question is do you want to live like this for the rest of your life.


I have thought about this. I have gone theough 2 divorces since 1996. I dont want to be single again. I dont want to live alone in retirement someday. This is my 3rd marriage, her first. We were both in our late 40’s when we got together.


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## NotRespectedHubby (3 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> So you cheated on her. Why on earth did she stay with you? Bottom line, if she’s going to stay she has to pretend it never happened. Staying to torture you is wrong.
> 
> Why did you stay? Sounds like you can’t stand her, so why hang around?
> 
> ...


Thats true, I dont have trouble getting girls. I stay because Im scared to be alone.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

NotRespectedHubby said:


> What is she really unhappy about….I am a recovering alcoholic. Sober almost 10 years. Years ago, probably 10 years, I was unfaithful, and told her about it. But her behavior was pretty much the same before that, except for no sex.


Did you cheat becuase you were drunk? I'm just curious. 

And I'm sorry y'all are having a hard time. Marriage is truly hard work....unless there is deep, unconditional love from both sides.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

NotRespectedHubby said:


> Ill try to answer all these individually.
> 
> No respect…NOTHING I do, my income, my hobbies, my habits…seem to satisfy her. I make more than twice what she makes, and I do not bring that up ( Ive thought about it). I deny her nothing. She gets whatever material thing she wants, within reason. But she treats me like a child or a subordinate.
> 
> ...


Since 2015? That says a lot. 
What's going on there?


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## NotRespectedHubby (3 mo ago)

TXSDR said:


> Did you cheat becuase you were drunk? I'm just curious.
> 
> And I'm sorry y'all are having a hard time. Marriage is truly hard work....unless there is deep, unconditional love from both sides.


Yes, I make very poor decisions when I drink.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

NotRespectedHubby said:


> Thats true, I dont have trouble getting girls. I stay because Im scared to be alone.


But you’re getting laid left and right, what makes you think you’d be alone?

There’s no way she doesn’t know you think you settled for her. She resents you as much as you resent her. The contempt you have for her is obvious from your posts, it’s dumb to stay married to someone you can’t stand. For either of you.


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## NotRespectedHubby (3 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> But you’re getting laid left and right, what makes you think you’d be alone?
> 
> There’s no way she doesn’t know you think you settled for her. She resents you as much as you resent her. The contempt you have for her is obvious from your posts, it’s dumb to stay married to someone you can’t stand. For either of you.


She wasnt like this until menapause hit.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

NotRespectedHubby said:


> She wasnt like this until menapause hit.


Then you should leave for someone younger.


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## NotRespectedHubby (3 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> But you’re getting laid left and right, what makes you think you’d be alone?
> 
> There’s no way she doesn’t know you think you settled for her. She resents you as much as you resent her. The contempt you have for her is obvious from your posts, it’s dumb to stay married to someone you can’t stand. For either of you.


I feel like Im too old now to jump back into “dating” world again. I dont think Id do very well with all the ups and downs of that whole scene.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Again, you’re sick of her, you’re not faithful, just leave. I have no idea why she won’t leave, it’s just a nasty mess. At some point it’s your own fault because you stay.


It sounds like they are both just playing games with each other. Best to just go their own way.


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## NotRespectedHubby (3 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Again, you’re sick of her, you’re not faithful, just leave. I have no idea why she won’t leave, it’s just a nasty mess. At some point it’s your own fault because you stay.


I know what you are saying is right. I just hate the thought of leaving.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

NotRespectedHubby said:


> I know what you are saying is right. I just hate the thought of leaving.


Then if you aren't going to leave the relationship, you are choosing to stay in a sexless, very poor quality relationship. 

You are deliberately choosing that.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

It's a shame she acted like this, you should leave her.


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## NotRespectedHubby (3 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Then if you aren't going to leave the relationship, you are choosing to stay in a sexless, very poor quality relationship.
> 
> You are deliberately choosing that.


I know


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NotRespectedHubby said:


> Thats true, *I dont have trouble getting girls.* I stay because Im scared to be alone.


Does this mean that you are still out there "getting girls"? Are you cheating now?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

NotRespectedHubby said:


> I know what you are saying is right. I just hate the thought of leaving.


The problem is you are waiting for someone to say something that will be a solution for your wife to become different. I’m sorry to tell you but it doesn’t work like that ….it never does. You can only change yourself.

Ask yourself if you would rather be in your current nasty marriage or alone. That is step one to solve this issue. The second step is to understand that what you fear is run off to extremes in your mind but in reality it never plays out like that.

Change yourself and your outlook. That is the only solution. Nobody has any magic words for you.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

NotRespectedHubby said:


> I have thought about this. I have gone theough 2 divorces since 1996. I dont want to be single again. I dont want to live alone in retirement someday. This is my 3rd marriage, her first. We were both in our late 40’s when we got together.


So your answer to him is that YES, you would rather live like this with her treating you this way than be alone...really??

The reason she treats you like this is because YOU ALLOW IT.

If anyone EVER threw away my things without asking in MY home, there would be hell to pay. If she had looked at me that way and said that, I would have stood up and stated very clearly, "DO NOT throw MY things away EVER, without asking me FIRST. I am getting them out of the trash so DON'T TOUCH THEM AGAIN. If you don't like looking at them, STAY OUT OF THAT ROOM."

I would have then dug them out of the trash and left the mess of trash on the floor for HER to clean up. If she told me to clean it up myself, I would have said, "NO".

If she had started complaining about how I never use them, I would have said, "I will use them whenever I want to, and you DO NOT get to touch MY things unless I say so", and I would have basically ignored anything else she said, maybe repeating any of those statements if she continued arguing with me. I would not defend myself to her, I would not explain myself to her...because she doesn't deserve any of that with her hateful, condescending attitude. If she cannot treat you with respect, like an equal partner to her, then she doesn't deserve your acknowledgement at all.

You are living unhappily the way you are because of FEAR. NOTHING will ever change if you don't change yourself.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

NotRespectedHubby said:


> Thats true, I dont have trouble getting girls. I stay because Im scared to be alone.


And why would being alone instead of with someone like her so terrifying?


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## NotRespectedHubby (3 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> And why would being alone instead of with someone like her so terrifying?


Home to me means family. Living alone, I feel like I jave no real home.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

NotRespectedHubby said:


> Ill try to answer all these individually.
> 
> No respect…NOTHING I do, my income, my hobbies, my habits…seem to satisfy her. I make more than twice what she makes, and I do not bring that up ( Ive thought about it). I deny her nothing. She gets whatever material thing she wants, within reason. But she treats me like a child or a subordinate.
> 
> ...


Sounds like she has resentment over your affair, and perhaps this is a passive-aggressive way to deal with it. If she really can’t forgive you though, you don’t need to spend your life as her doormat. I understand your wife’s feelings, but not how she’s handling it.

If you both want to remain together, would counseling help?


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

NotRespectedHubby said:


> This is my 3rd marriage


Third times a charm.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Paint a smile on her face. It’s a start ….


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## NotRespectedHubby (3 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> Does this mean that you are still out there "getting girls"? Are you cheating now?


No I am not.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

NotRespectedHubby said:


> Home to me means family. Living alone, I feel like I jave no real home.


But a nasty marriage feels like home?


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> Paint a smile on her face. It’s a start ….


She threw away his paints


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Did you get any sort of counseling between the end of your 2nd marriage and when you started seeing your now 3rd wife? 

How much time did you spend getting to know her before heading into marriage? 

Were there good years with her before the marriage and up to the time you cheated on her in the marriage? 

Were your first two wives the ones to file for divorce?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

NotRespectedHubby said:


> Home to me means family. Living alone, I feel like I jave no real home.


You don’t have a family as it is. Your wife apparently hasn’t recovered from you cheating on her and isn’t likely to.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

You never touch your partner’s paints.

I have some acrylics in the kitchen. Some miniatures Games Workshop paints in my office. Spray paints in the garage.

Mrs has her coloring books and markers and such all over.

The art stuff never gets messed with!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Wow.........where to start.


NotRespectedHubby said:


> .......proceeds to tell me that *my “painting room is gone”*. .....She said most of it she threw away, except for the things she thought Id be able to sell. Sure,





NotRespectedHubby said:


> .....No respect…NOTHING I do, my income, my hobbies, my habits…seem to satisfy her. I make more than twice what she makes...... I deny her nothing. She gets whatever material thing she wants, within reason. *But she treats me like a child or a subordinate.*
> 
> Sex Life…..Simple. *None since 2015*
> 
> ...





NotRespectedHubby said:


> I have thought about this. I have gone theough 2 divorces since 1996. I dont want to be single again. *I dont want to live alone in retirement someday.* *This is my 3rd marriage, her first.* We were both in our *late 40’s when we got together.*





NotRespectedHubby said:


> Thats true, I dont have trouble getting girls.* I stay because Im scared to be alone*.





NotRespectedHubby said:


> I feel like *Im too old now to jump back into “dating” world aga*in. I dont think Id do very well with all the ups and downs of that whole scene.


Let's work through your posts above one at a time.

Tossing your stuff out without talking to you is a pretty harsh act. It means she is probably pretty angry at you (your other posts will confirm this) and really doesn't care about what you think, Some spouses when they subconsciously want a divorce with sabotage their marriage by doing things or picking fights with their spouse. The concept is that they don't want to be the one that initiates the divorce, so they make life so horrible that their spouse finally does. This allowed them to claim the moral high ground and be the victim.

So she treats you like a child? Actually, I would phrase it as you allow her to treat you like a child. Since you allow it, you are enabling her destructive behavior. No sex in 7 years! You should really read M.W. Davis book, the Sex Starved Marriage and its companion book by Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy. You sound very codependent and needing your wife's validation for your happiness.

And while you are at it, you should read Chapman's 5 Languages of Love. If I were to guess, I would say you are a Praise/words of affirmation LL kind of guy and she is not. Complementing her on her clothes, cooking, decorating probably isn't making her feel loved and cherished as it is not her love language. Since you work different shifts, I suspect that quality time may be one of her love languages and she is not getting it, even if you do things on the weekend.

I will discuss her domineering and self-righteous behavior in a moment.

Recovering alcoholic and sober for 10 years since an affair! She certainly has some grounds for being angry with you. And as far as it being 7 years since the two of you had sex, I will wager that your drinking and affair probably have a lot to do with the lack of sex you now have and her anger toward you. I would wager that the two of you never fully worked through those issues to reconcile your marriage.

So this is your 3rd marriage and her first and she got married for the first time in her 40's. Any woman who has not been married until her 40's is use to living an independent life. It would be a huge transition for her to accept marriage and having a husband. She may seem domineering because she is used to living her life, making her own decisions and not feeling she needs to ask permission if it is about her life. Did you and your first 2 wives go through any individual counseling or marriage counseling? Was alcohol a factor in your previous 2 divorces?

Now lets talk about your fear of being alone. I think that you really need to read Glover's book and start "Getting a Life" (Davis also discussed Getting a Life.) Men who are weak and clingy, are not sexy at all. Add to that the pain you have caused her early in your marriage when you had an affair, this independent woman you convinced to get married for the first time in her 40's may have a lot of reasons to question her relationship with you and whether it is a priority for you. If you further add to that that you many not be making her feel loved and cherished in her love languages you sort of have a trifecta for her being unhappy. 

In getting a life you need to get yourself together mentally and physically. Being sober 10 years is an impressive start. How about working on making noticible changes in you physically and the way you treat her. In the reconciliation of my sex starved marriage, I worked out and took up hobbies I had dropped when I first married. I did mountain climbing, endurance bicycle rides (40 to 100 mile club rids) and distance running 5K, 10K, 15K and half-marathons. I even took 1st place in my age class for a long 15K run. I dropped a lot of weight and took pride in my accomplishments. My wife saw that I was changing and becoming a different person. I also studied Chapmans 5LL and forced myself to communicate my love for my wife in her love languages, not mine. That was real hard. Also hard was really forgiving her for the pain she had caused me, realizing I had also hurt her, and apologizing to her for the pain I had caused her.

I would really suggest that you get some individual counseling and then the two of you get some marriage counseling. Telling her that you love her, you want her help through marriage counseling in your changing yourself and your committing to making this marriage work, might help save your marriage.

Good luck. I think you need professional help if you want to avoid divorce and reconcile this marriage.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If you weren't using it and the space was better used for something else that was needed, I don't blame her. If it's something you've been using in there say once every couple of weeks, unless the space need is urgent, she should have at least let you know she needs the space for whatever. But it sounds like you were just storing that stuff taking up room with it. I imagine once you retire and are ready to use it, you can set it up somewhere else and then put it up once you are at a lull.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If you weren't using it and the space was better used for something else that was needed, I don't blame her. If it's something you've been using in there say once every couple of weeks, unless the space need is urgent, she should have at least let you know she needs the space for whatever. But it sounds like you were just storing that stuff taking up room with it. I imagine once you retire and are ready to use it, you can set it up somewhere else and then put it up once you are at a lull.


Spare me. He's a person, too, and she doesn't get to throw out his stuff. HOW MUCH SPACE could his paints have taken up? How ridiculous. "taking up room".

His wife take up too much room as compared to some paints.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

The OP maybe could have painted the next great masterpiece if only he had his paints!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Lol ^

Fear of being alone keeps so many people in dysfunctional relationships. 😣


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I think the paints aren’t really the issue. He cheated on her because he’s always thought he was too good for her. He’s never wanted to be married to her, he just doesn’t want to be alone. She should have left when he cheated if she wasn’t ok with it. He should have left because she disgusts him. There’s a lot of resentment and contempt in this “marriage,” and he says he doesn’t want to leave and apparently she won’t leave. Sounds to me like 2 people who want to wallow and blame someone else for their misery.


He never said he cheated because he thought he was too good for her, and he never said he never wanted to be married to her.

You are once again making things up a poster never said and that's not okay.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Livvie said:


> He never said he cheated because he thought he was too good for her, and he never said he never wanted to be married to her.
> 
> You are once again making things up a poster never said and that's not okay.


Fair enough. I will go back and fix the post. I won’t post on this thread again. That you have it quoted will allow the mods to still record the report I think.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

NotRespectedHubby said:


> Home to me means family. Living alone, I feel like I have no real home.


So what exactly DO you have with this relationship? And, from your responses, it doesn't sound like you're working a program. Getting sober is about far more than putting down the bottle.

I simply cannot wrap my head around it when I hear people come here and talk about their fear of being alone. What do you have now? Abuse. Contempt. Disrespect. How in god's name is THIS better than being alone????


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@NotRespectedHubby

I'm trying to figure out about this thing about her throwing out your art stuff. What room was it in? Was it a mess that anyone who entered the room could see?

It sounds like she does a lot around the house. How much do you do with things like cleaning, cooking, shopping, yard work, etc?


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> Why do you think your wife doesn’t your wife respect you? How’s the sex life? What do you do to show her she’s loved? Do you take her places and enjoy one another’s company?
> Is she always a jerk like this incident?
> Where’s your favorite fishing spot? Go’s coordinates please.
> What’s your wife really unhappy about?
> ...


I agree. It's his house too. He's entitled to that space. Why is she control freaking ?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

NotRespectedHubby said:


> Thats true, I dont have trouble getting girls. I stay because Im scared to be alone.


Getting girls is pretty easy. Keeping them… well.

Why aren’t you drinking coffee together?

Why don’t you make her a coffee while she does the laundry?

Small ritual that might make doing the laundry enjoyable. Knowing a coffee is waiting for her and some small talk together. Just a suggestion?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

NotRespectedHubby said:


> Its true I havent painted in over a year. But it seems as though if I am not CONSTANTLY using something, I have quit using it.


There is a happy middle where you could put everything in a chest or box when not in use instead of all that little stuff cluttering up the room, you know. Having a box in there tucked away somewhere like under a bed or in the closet probably wouldn't bother her. It's like kids' toys. Some people it doesn't bother then if they're all over the house. Other people, it would drive them crazy and be sensory overload -- plus teach the kids nothing of organization.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

All this over paint supplies you haven't used in over a year. Find a happy middle. Ask her, would it make more sense if I stored this in a box until I'm ready to use it? And then tell her, Because I don't like that you got rid of my paints.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Had she asked you to put them away prior?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Mr.Married said:


> The problem is you are waiting for someone to say something that will be a solution for your wife to become different. I’m sorry to tell you but it doesn’t work like that ….it never does. You can only change yourself.
> 
> Ask yourself if you would rather be in your current nasty marriage or alone. That is step one to solve this issue. The second step is to understand that what you fear is run off to extremes in your mind but in reality it never plays out like that.
> 
> Change yourself and your outlook. That is the only solution. Nobody has any magic words for you.


Yep, he’s looking for a magic fix so he doesn’t have to do anything.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> All this over paint supplies you haven't used in over a year. Find a happy middle. Ask her, would it make more sense if I stored this in a box until I'm ready to use it? And then tell her, Because I don't like that you got rid of my paints.


No. The problem is her attitude and how she treats him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

🙄


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

NotRespectedHubby said:


> What is she really unhappy about….*I am a recovering alcoholic.* Sober almost 10 years. Years ago, probably 10 years, I was unfaithful, and told her about it. But her behavior was pretty much the same before that, except for no sex.


There it is. So you make poor decisions when you drink, how many of these poor decisions did you make? How many times did she have to clean up your mess? How often during that time was she left to carry the burden of everything because you were too drunk to do it or care? No wonder there's resentment there on her part. I don't know why she stayed either, but this marriage is toxic as hell.

As a teen I watched a family friend drink himself to death. What his wife went through in the preceding years was nothing short of horrendous. She was relieved when he died. I remember hearing her talking to mum and dad about it. At the time I couldn't understand it of course, I was only a teen, but as an adult, I get it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

NotRespectedHubby said:


> Ill try to answer all these individually.
> 
> No respect…NOTHING I do, my income, my hobbies, my habits…seem to satisfy her. I make more than twice what she makes, and I do not bring that up ( Ive thought about it). I deny her nothing. She gets whatever material thing she wants, within reason. But she treats me like a child or a subordinate.
> 
> ...


She sounds like a great candidate for the curb. This isn't to suggest you don't have a part to play, because even if all of this is not 100% unprompted (highly unlikely), you are tolerating it. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

One of the biggest fights I ever got into with my exW was over her donating most of my dishes and kitchenware shortly after we moved in together, without mentioning it to me at all beforehand. She is a huge control freak, and thought nothing of it. I was furious and absolutely floored that she thought it was no big deal. Seriously, who does that to another person? It doesn't matter if he hasn't used the paints in a year, or 5 years, or if he cheated or not, or was an alcoholic or not. They're still his belongings, and ANYONE deserves at least a discussion about it before tossing them. How callous can you get?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Tell us some recent times when yiur wife was actually happy? Was she receptive to a kiss? Did you attempt?

if your wife is miserable with you and making you miserable…,. You should divorce or get professional help which I don’t have a lot of faith in. Alcoholism and cheating…,,, pretty much a death knell to a marriage. 
If your wife isn’t receptive to you, there’s not much you can do. Letting fear rule your life? Why would you do that after beating an addiction for 10 YEARS????

I wish you luck. 7 years sexless and loveless? Exactly how could moving on with your life be worse?


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

At this time I think too much weight is being put on his cheating and, to a lesser extent, his alcoholism. I really think this comes down to two people so desperate to get married that they settled for each other rather than being alone. OP admits he doesn't want to be alone again, and his wife hadn't been married until she was in her 40's, so she may well have thought time was running out for her. It also seems like she has never had much, if any, of a warm and friendly disposition (at least toward OP). So while OP's cheating and alcoholism surely exacerbated matters they didn't create them. I.e., even if OP had been faithful and not had problems with drinking, the marriage probably still would not be a good one.


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