# How to fall back in love with Hubby?



## julia71 (Oct 25, 2010)

I'll try to keep this short. My husband (married 10 yrs) and I have had alot of problems over the last 5 years, mostly due to his drinking problem. To make a very long story shorter, the drinking problem has caused me to fall out of love with him, lose respect and even trust in him. He hasn't stopped drinking, he's quit "hard liquor" and doesn't drink "as much" but I know it's just a matter of time before he gets too drunk again. Anyway, I've scoured the internet looking for information on how to fall back in love with your husband. Tons of information out there, but the problem is that all of it is for "run of the mill" type of falling out of love, if you know what I mean. It's for people who have lost sight of their love, etc. Or don't know why they fell out of love. I know exactly why I did, and the problem is still there, so I think I'm in a bit of a pickle here. I find myself considering a trial separation because I get so confused sometimes. Things will go just fine for a little while and then WHAM! it gets all screwed up again. I can't stand the roller coaster ride. I start back with an old counselor of mine tomorrow to try and sort out my feelings and decide what I need to do for me and my kids. My Hubby hasn't wanted to do marriage counseling, but said he'll go and quit drinking but "things better get better, I'll tell you that and you can't blame anything on me anymore." Not exactly the right attitude for it to be successful. Know what I mean. Anyway - This got all off topic, but does anyone have any suggestions for me? How do I fall back in love? Should I bother? Do I wait and see what comes out of counseling? My hubby can be a nice guy, if I tell him I want a separation it'll hurt him so bad - but my friends say that I can't worry about that, I have to worry about me and the kids. I hate to hurt people. I'm such a stupid martyr sometimes. UGH!!!!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

There's a couple of issues going on.

First, as an alcoholic myself, I know he has to want to stop drinking. Doesn't matter what you say, what the kids say, what a marriage counselor says. If he isn't willing to stop, he won't.

Second, his comment indicates that he feels you are at least partially at fault for the condition of the marriage. And in truth, most problems in marriages aren't one-sided. If you are gong to marriage counseling, be prepared to step up to your responsibilities for issues in your marriage as he must do also.

And separation/divorce must be on the table, especially with his drinking problem. if it gets worse, it will just drag you down even further.


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## julia71 (Oct 25, 2010)

I know that issues in my marriage aren't one sided. I know that there are things I must work on too. But I don't see how things can get better if I'm the only one that works on things. 

I know I can't make him quit drinking and that he has to quit for himself in order for it to work. He's quit in the past, but only because of major fights we've had. He's always gone back. I know he's not ready to quit for the right reason. I've told him that the things he's said and done to me when he's been drunk have caused alot of my confusion/issues with the marriage that I need to get through (if I can). But lately when he's asked me what's wrong he said that he doesn't want to hear about that anymore, I need to just let it go and get over it. He doesn't understand that it isn't that easy. See, I remember those times quite vividly and he doesn't because he blacked out for most of them. So they aren't real memories to him, he only knows what he was told about how he acted the next day.

My oldest (16) says she walks on egg-shells around him alot of times. I remember that from growing up with my alcoholic dad. And my 9 year old says she feels that way sometimes too - though not as often as my oldest. I hate that its affecting them.

I'm just in a bad space right now. I'm so confused. I don't know what the right answer is. Keep as is and keep my fingers crossed that it'll just get better (knowing deep down inside that it probably won't and I'll waste my life like my parents did - they divorced after 21 years)? Or do a trial separation and see if that brings him a dose of reality? Or do I even WANT to continue? That's the scariest part of it all - that there's a little piece of me - very small, but it's there - that just wants to call it quits.


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## workin' (Jun 3, 2010)

julia71 said:


> To make a very long story shorter, the drinking problem has caused me to fall out of love with him, lose respect and even trust in him. He hasn't stopped drinking...


You are not stupid. You are in love with a man who is addicted to alcohol, and possibly porn. As long as the problems remain, that you believe caused you to "fall out of love" with your husband, you will not be able to move forward. I hope the counselor can help both of you.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Your husband may need to go to AA. I was married to an alcoholic many years ago. After 5 years of hell I just wanted out. We divorced. After 18 years he's still an alcoholic. 
Try to get him into AA. You, and the kids may want to go to Al-non.


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## FloridaITguy (Nov 4, 2010)

workin' said:


> You are not stupid. You are in love with a man who is addicted to alcohol, and possibly porn. As long as the problems remain, that you believe caused you to "fall out of love" with your husband, you will not be able to move forward. I hope the counselor can help both of you.


I think the porn remark is off-topic and unnecesary. 

Being somewhat a recovering (I hope) alcoholic, a lot of the remarks on here are correct. He does have to want it, but the burden of him quitting doesn't have to rest on his shoulders entirely. This requires everyone involved to make changes to some degree, as his sucess (and failure) will more than likely depend on it. 

I drank because I thought my wife didn't want to be with me. She was cold to me because I drank. It took both of us to make changes on how we acted toward each other and a lot of work on our communication skills. I quit because I wanted to, but until we worked on the cause, it was difficult.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldTex (Nov 14, 2010)

My wife also has a drinking problem. She left two weeks ago after a fight. We have been down this road before. Three years ago she went to AA and cleaned up for over a year. But, because I did not quit drinking She started back. It was good for a year. Now all the old times are back. I kick myself in thw A)) everyday because I did not stop with Her. I agree with almonst everyone here. It will take Him wanting to stop. However if He does it require work on eveyones part. Untill He realizes He has a problem no amount of talk will help. Find your local Al-non and talk to them. They can give you insight that will help


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## Jack99 (Nov 21, 2010)

Sympathies for a very difficult situation. It seems he's in denial. I believe your instincts are correct. Assuming its financially viable, the sooner you make your break, or at least the trial separation, the better. He may get worse, but it may also snap him out of it. But it's such a gripping problem, and it can always come back.


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

re: My oldest (16) says she walks on egg-shells around him alot of times. I remember that from growing up with my alcoholic dad. And my 9 year old says she feels that way sometimes too - though not as often as my oldest. I hate that its affecting them.
.... Just from my own personal experience as a kid with a 'drinking' dad... I deeply regret that my mother did not have the courage to just leave that horrible S.O.B. before he ruined us 3 kids with his unforgivable behavior! We all would have done much better without dad's violence and DRUNKENNESS. He, like your alcoholic, was OK some of the time BUT it never made up for all his ugly behavior and, as with your kids, the vile combination of a violent alcoholic and a SPINELESS MOTHER did terrible damage to all of us kids. 
I was quite a drunk myself for a while but finally stopped totally.
Please get a backbone and take your kids out of that ugly, crippling, damaging, vile environment. 
Decide to DO WHAT'S RIGHT BY YOUR KIDS and you will know exactly how and WHY to help your kids.

By the way, our rotten dad up and left our family in disgust when it became clear that we did not appreciate his INSANITY so mom gained nothing at all by putting up with that BASTARD for all those years! Meanwhile, us kids paid a heavy price!!! 
Please focus on what is right for your kids instead of your own fears and needs. Kids need and deserve the best parental role models they can get...... not menacing drunks and COWARDS!


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## Invictus (Nov 14, 2010)

I have to say I'm in agreement with jimrich. I, too, grew up with an alcoholic father. He would sometimes disappear for days at a time. We didn't know if he was alive or dead. Of course, he always showed up at some point drunk out of his mind. Some of the memories I have of him are still so painful. Images a child should NEVER have of their parent. Anyway, my older brother and I used to sit my mom down every now and then and literally beg her to leave my dad. We were scared all of the time. There were no happy times. No things like birthday parties or sleepovers because we never knew if he would show up plastered. My childhood ended as soon as I was old enough to feel afraid of my dad.

My mom never left my dad. Instead, each of us kids left the second we were able to sign a lease on our own. None of us ever had a shot at college or any other positive experiences we should have had because we were all too busy trying to get away as soon as possible. I started delivering newspapers at 14 so I could start saving money to get the hell out. Even that wasn't easy because sometimes my mom would need to take my money to pay for groceries because my dad would cash his paychecks at a bar near his work and drink most of his pay away before he ever made it home.

Fast forward 20 years. My father finally quit drinking (after us kids were already grown and on our own). For my dad, it took a car accident (he was at fault), an arrest, and forced therapy before he quit. Sadly, it was too late to spare any of us kids from the permanent scars we now have to live with. It also wasn't in time to save any chance my parents had at a happy relationship. My mom is so bitter and resentful and my dad is so sick of being punished for all his misdeeds. They live as two miserable people lingering together until they die.

I'm not saying you can't save your marriage and your family. I'm not saying your husband can't stop drinking. What I am saying, though, is that until he has some real motivation to quit, he won't. My dad proved that he was able to quit after being a raging alcoholic for over 20 years. I can't help but wonder that if a car accident was a big enough wake up call, then maybe my mom leaving with us kids would have done the trick years sooner.

Please get your kids out of that situation. No matter how well they seem to be handling things, I promise you, it is not as well as you think.

Best of luck to you.


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## Fellings (Nov 22, 2010)

Good morning to all,
I have been married for 17 years and I feel that we are going two complete directions. The passion is GONE and I just dont know if I want it back. One sunday night I recieved a text from a number I didnt know, i reply back and said ( who is this ) I got back Im sorry wrong number. I thought it was over with until all this sweet words loving words started coming and I LOVED EVERY MINUTE of it. Wow somebody is interested me, to have a man talking to me this way was really nice. I did meet him for a drink and NOTHING happen. We have been texting for over a month and I dont know what to do. Can any one help me.
thanks


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## julia71 (Oct 25, 2010)

UPDATE:

Thanks for all the replies and advice... and you were all right. Hindsight, ya know! This past weekend, he got too drunk again (thankfully the kids were away visiting grandparents) and this time, he hit me. Well, that's a definite dealbreaker for me, so I left, right then, well... I mean as soon as I could get out, he wouldn't let me leave easily! The next day I went back home (with my stepdad) and he moved out. We are now separated. He's going to AA, says what happened has made him realize the 5 years of hell he's put me through. But he's crowding me, pressuring me a bit not to give up on us, etc. I told him that and that I need space, to continue my counseling I started a week before this happened. I need time for ME, to figure out what I want and what's best for ME and the KIDS. I don't know that I WANT to continue to marriage even if he does get better, it may be beyond repair. I just don't know right now, it'll take time, maybe alot of it. But I can't figure it out if he won't give me some space. We're not fighting, arguing, we're talking very civil, calm. I'm not keeping him from the kids - I wouldn't do that (unless I suspect he's back on the drink!!). Anyway, I've got a long road ahead, but I think I finally have one I'd rather travel, that has a light at the end. I spent my childhood living for/with an alcoholic, I spent 10 years married to one (didn't know it until the last 5 though!), I just don't know that I want to give the rest of my life to one - even a recovering one - my trust is gone, I'm very "gunshy" and don't know that I can be supportive to a recovering alcoholic, which may not be fair to him in the end either.


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## Invictus (Nov 14, 2010)

You made the right decision to leave. Right now, you are accomplishing three things. First, you are letting your husband know, in no uncertain terms, that his drinking and abuse is NOT okay and will NOT be tolerated. Second, you are taking care of yourself and giving yourself the space you need to figure out where to go from here. And third, you are showing your children that your husband's behavior is unacceptable. That is probably the most important thing of all here. If they see you putting up with the drinking and being hit, then there is a very real possibility that they will follow the same pattern. Most of what kids learn about relationships comes from what they witness at home. It really is up to us parents to teach our children what is right and wrong, what is healthy or not.

Please keep us posted with your progress. I really am praying for you. I hope things work out for the best, whatever that may be for you. Good luck!


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## julia71 (Oct 25, 2010)

Thanks. I can tell you, I remember what it was like growing up with my alcoholic dad, the tension in the house, never knowing what would get him yelling (always stupid stuff, often nothing). Didn't think my husband was like that though - towards my kids - but from their point of view - he was. I kick myself for that because I never wanted my kids to live through what I did. 

Last night, at home, was nice, though, (what a sad thing to say, in some ways), because the tension is gone, it was peaceful, I could just be me. And my 16 year - she didn't hide in her room - I saw more of her last night than I can remember. And my 9 year old, she was just fine. I thought that she'd be a terrible mess if I ever separated from him, and she's not. How about that!!


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## Invictus (Nov 14, 2010)

julia71 said:


> Last night, at home, was nice, though, (what a sad thing to say, in some ways), because the tension is gone, it was peaceful, I could just be me. And my 16 year - she didn't hide in her room - I saw more of her last night than I can remember. And my 9 year old, she was just fine. I thought that she'd be a terrible mess if I ever separated from him, and she's not. How about that!!


I think that tells you everything you need to know, don't you?

I'm very impressed with your strength to do what is best for those kids. I know they will love and respect you all the more for doing so.

Stay strong. You're doing great.


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## workin' (Jun 3, 2010)

FloridaITguy said:


> I think the porn remark is off-topic and unnecesary.


I neglected to mention that I had that opinion from other posts of julia71's.

Julia71, I am glad that this is working for you. Much comfort and happiness to you and your children!


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