# Understanding my husband: Need a man's perspective



## E.McKenna (Jun 29, 2013)

I am curious to see what men have to say about this. It isn't a porn issue. I don't have a problem with porn or masturbation with or without each other as long as we don't let it replace each other. Sometimes, it's fun to do together. But...

My husband looks at pictures of naked women on his phone every spare minute of the day when he's at work. As a female, I don't understand this because I can't imagine looking at perfect male bodies every spare minute of my day. I hate to think it is his way of getting turned on so he is capable of having sex with me that night...and average woman. 

Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

How do you know he looks at naked women pictures on his phone every spare minute of every day?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

And how is your relationship?


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## E.McKenna (Jun 29, 2013)

I saw the internet search history on his phone once then started to check it and was shocked at how often it is.


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## E.McKenna (Jun 29, 2013)

Our relationship is like most. It has it's ups and downs...


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I would categorize it as a porn issue, why would he be looking at naked pictures all day? Do you think it's because he knows you check so he doesn't go further? If he can't stop checking I would treat it as a porn issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

It seems excessive. Everything has its time and place. 

Is this affecting your relationship? There is no conclusive proof that it is damaging to look at porn, so maybe there is no real problem here.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

With respect to sex, men are very visual. So it is no surprise he would do this. However, I don't think it's normal and I would be concerned.

Are any of these women pics he has obtained from them personally? That is something I would get very concerned about.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

LOL...sounds like he needs a more engaging job!!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Maybe provide him with a cache of sexy photos of you for him to enjoy throughout the day?


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Don't know what type of work he does but it seems extremely risky to put your job on the line to view naked pics. Especially since he has the green light at home.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you haven't already done so, I'd suggest maximizing your own earning potential. Anyone who spends their work day looking at naked women (unless they are a physician or a bouncer at a strip club) is in danger of losing their job. At the very least, he can't be a serious candidate for promotion. If I were a woman, I'd feel very insecure with this man-child's ability to support a family.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

Look, my previous marriage was nearly sexless the last several years and I did my share of looking at porn and masturbating.

But, there are several FACTS about using pornography that should not be ignored.

1) Porn is dehumanizing. Sex is the most intimate connection you can have to another person and one of the greatest ways of strengthening an maintaining an emotional bond. I don't care what the world may say, there is no way to separate sex and emotion. Porn does just that and turns sex into just a bunch of soulless objects on a screen.

2) Your partner can't measure up. The actors are beautiful, perfectly sculpted, and are great at the techniques of sex. Your middle-aged wife who has birthed a couple of children will not compare visually with images on the laptop or TV and will lead to loss of interest in sex with your spouse.

3) Frequent use of porn and masturbation will lead to lesser performances with your spouse. How many men suffer from ED with their spouse, but can rub one out in three minutes with porn? How many complain of LD wives, only to spend the majority of their sexual energy with porn?

I have remarried to a beautiful woman with a very similar sex drive to my own. I can count on one hand the number of times I've masturbated since I know her. 

I feel like I would be not giving her my best if I watched porn.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A man fixes problems. Porn, frequently is used to avoid fixing a problem. I think it's an adolescent diversion more appropriate for being hid under a 12 year old's mattress than on a grown man's phone at his place of business. Whether he's looking at Porn or Harleys, he's at work and goofing off at work to this degree is just plain theft and fraud. Nobody with a dishonest character is worth a damn.


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## E.McKenna (Jun 29, 2013)

He does have a few sexy pics of me on his phone and I have even sent him some that he couldn't keep. None of the pictures he's looking at are personal. All just websites. Even Facebook pages. But, yes, I agree it is excessive. I know men are visual, but I do believe there is something wrong here.

I have asked why he never texts me during the day anymore. And to see what he's doing instead of attempting to talk to me, really hurts. Good old communication that should help people work through difficulties has failed me. I only get excuses from him. 

Also, he has started to have problems with ED. The question is, is it my fault? Or his. Personally, I think it is his problem. I am a good looking woman with a fairly high drive and very willing to please my husband. If it isn't good enough for him, I'm thinking he should seek counseling or we maybe we should go our separate ways. 

Thank you all for taking time to respond. I appreciate it very much.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

NatureDave said:


> 1) Porn is dehumanizing.


Hilarious. First sign of not to be taken seriously.

Chattel slavery is dehumanizing, or putting the Star of David on Jews as a symbol to allow abuse, theft of property, etc. The declaration of a person as a witch in the 17th century. 

This terminology is just emotional rhetoric.



> Porn does just that and turns sex into just a bunch of soulless objects on a screen.


*yawn* You can say that about filming anything, like an actor playing Jesus. It turns the Son of God into a souless object on a screen. 



> 2) Your partner can't measure up. The actors are beautiful, perfectly sculpted, and are great at the techniques of sex. Your middle-aged wife who has birthed a couple of children will not compare visually with images on the laptop or TV and will lead to loss of interest in sex with your spouse.


My wife was 19 when we married, is still younger than most porn stars, and better looking. 

But we watch it together. You have some extreme cartoon version of porn viewing. 



> 3) Frequent use of porn and masturbation will lead to lesser performances with your spouse.


We watch it together and have sex at the same time. Your closed-minded view ignores millions like us, and it is all about beating your own chest like this:




> I have remarried to a beautiful woman with a very similar sex drive to my own. I can count on one hand the number of times I've masturbated since I know her.


So you think this puts you in the head of the line to heaven or what? Makes you better than others?

Mine likes to watch me whack off and masturbate herself at the same time. Does that make me better than you? 

People need to just chill out and accept that all of us have differences that don't have bearing on other people's relationships. It is really closed-minded to impose our own tastes on others as if we had the only legitimate way of doing things.

If you are gay, bisexual, unisexual, open marriage, monogamous, S &M, straight missionary, porn yes or no - it is of no concern to me whatsoever. Just don't be laying down this bull$hit about how much better you are than everyone else because of how you do sex.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

E.Jill McKenna said:


> He does have a few sexy pics of me on his phone and I have even sent him some that he couldn't keep. None of the pictures he's looking at are personal. All just websites. Even Facebook pages. But, yes, I agree it is excessive. I know men are visual, but I do believe there is something wrong here.
> 
> I have asked why he never texts me during the day anymore. And to see what he's doing instead of attempting to talk to me, really hurts. Good old communication that should help people work through difficulties has failed me. I only get excuses from him.
> 
> ...


Everyone is responsible for their own actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

E.McKenna said:


> He does have a few sexy pics of me on his phone and I have even sent him some that he couldn't keep. None of the pictures he's looking at are personal. All just websites. Even Facebook pages. But, yes, I agree it is excessive. I know men are visual, but I do believe there is something wrong here.
> 
> I have asked why he never texts me during the day anymore. And to see what he's doing instead of attempting to talk to me, really hurts. Good old communication that should help people work through difficulties has failed me. I only get excuses from him.
> 
> ...


The ED problems are probably related to how he masturbates. It has nothing to do with you and nothing to do with porn. The idea that porn causes ED has been discredited, but excessive masturbation against an object, such as a mattress, or with a tightly clenched fist can cause ED. 

The penis becomes de-sensitised to a normal vagina, which could never exert as much pressure as a man's fist or offer the resistence of a mattress. 

It is easily resolved as long as he is willing to try. All he has to do is stop masturbating in the prone position (face down) if that is what he does and stop using a tightly clenched fist for long enough (a week or two) in order to reverse the de-sensitisation.

I would recommend approaching this from a purely practical point of view, rather than a moral one. Tell him you are worried that he is going to lose his job if he gets caught and that you are concerned about his ED. 

The ED part happened to me and I explained the problem to my wife and we managed to use the cure to enhance our sex lives. We turned it into a power-game with her having 100% control over when, where and how I masturbated. It was fun and it worked. I have had no problems for the last couple of years, despite still using porn.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

The mutual use of pornography is a subject for a different debate. Glad it works for you and your wife.

Here we are talking about using it obsessively and it's interference with work, home, and sex life.

And this isn't just me trying push my views on everyone. The detrimental effect on marriages from pornography is well documented in current research.

Jill Manning, a leading expert, testifies before the Senate Judiciary Committee:

Pornography's Impact on Marriage & The Family

The full literature review:

http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10720160600870711#.UdLlk784Tdk


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

If it's not hurting the relationship in a very direct and obvious way, I don't see a problem here.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

NatureDave said:


> The mutual use of pornography is a subject for a different debate. Glad it works for you and your wife.
> 
> Here we are talking about using it obsessively and it's interference with work, home, and sex life.
> 
> ...


Conservative think-tanks are hardly known for being objective. If you are going to try and prove your point, even though many have tried and failed on this board before you, you should stick to objective, scientific research, not opinion pieces by groups with political and religious agendas.

The Heritage Foundation was founded by Paul Weyrich, a well known homophobe who believed the US Army sponsored 'satanism and witchcraft'. No-one should take this group seriously.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

The Heritage Foundation was simply hosting her testimony. If you want a more authoritative website, you can find the same testimony here:

http://www.judiciary.senate.gov/hea...c&wit_id=e655f9e2809e5476862f735da10c87dc-1-3

Did you read the second link? It is the full peer-review publication in a leading journal, not an opinion piece.

More importantly, it is a literature review of the current state of the science on pornography and families. It contains a thorough list of references to other peer-reviewed publications on the subject.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

how about a peer-reviewed medical publication and not opinionated testimonies in the senate. If we based truth on what went on in congress, the world would probably be blown to hell by now (and arguably is).


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

Again, follow the second link I posted for the full peer-reviewed publication.

http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10720160600870711#.UdL15b84Tdl

Also follow the references cited in that publication.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

NatureDave said:


> The Heritage Foundation was simply hosting her testimony. If you want a more authoritative website, you can find the same testimony here:
> 
> Testimony
> 
> ...


So it was an 'objective' study sponsored by an organisation founded by an anti-semitic, homophobic right-wing nutjob. 

Jill Manning is a fellow of the Heritage Foundation, so you can try and dissociate her from that organisation as much as you want, it isn't going to fly. Her testimony is simply an attempt to advance her religious, conservative agenda.

Did you notice that she is also a professor at Brigham Young University? BYU is owned by the Mormon church which openly follows an anti-porn agenda. Nothing produced by Jill Manning can be considered objective.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> If you haven't already done so, I'd suggest maximizing your own earning potential. Anyone who spends their work day looking at naked women (unless they are a physician or a bouncer at a strip club) is in danger of losing their job. At the very least, he can't be a serious candidate for promotion. If I were a woman, I'd feel very insecure with this man-child's ability to support a family.


He's not giving his boss/company an honest days work..

When it comes promotion time... his name won't be in the bucket.

And at worse, his lack of productivity might get him fired.


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