# Avoiding One-on-one with Mother-In-Law, Help!



## Its MY Marriage (Feb 12, 2013)

I don't want a personal relationship with my mother-in-law. I will see her when I'm with my husband, I will be kind and polite, I will put up with her inappropriate comments, with her selfish behavior, and for now, deal with how she undermines my husband with his son (when I have a child that will change).

She left me a voice mail saying, “I want to talk to you, you are my daughter now, and the only daughter I am ever going to have, and I want to talk to you.” And since I work at home she decided that that shouldn't be hard for me, that she would just come over and “talk” while I'm working. (Which absolutely does not work for me.)

My husband doesn't like her. He does the bare minimum to keep her from turning the guilt and manipulation up to 10. She plans on retiring and moving back to town when I get pregnant, and since her other 2 grandkids were from her sons' girlfriends (none of my husband's brothers have been married) and live with their mothers out of town, she didn't get what she wanted from them so she acts like she is owed whatever she wants from my husband and me and our children. And I absolutely reject that.

What it comes down to is: all I gain from her is lots of stress. I'm not trying to cut her off from our family (yet), but it should be on our terms, and I just don't think that I should be put into the direct line of fire.

So how do I tell her that I don't want to be with her alone without actually saying that to her face? If i did it would be sure to massively offend her (and that would be a HUGE problem because it would cause major family drama, and everyone just wants to keep her happy because the alternative is... bad). 
My husband agrees that I shouldn't have to be alone with her, but he has no ideas of how to deal with it. And I'm running out of stalling time.

For the people who will say “just get over it and go to coffee": the only times we have been alone together she has tried to get me to agree to things and tries to back me into corners. She tries to manipulate and guilt me into things that I'm not comfortable with, and in the end does something rude like asking how much money my husband has because he owes her money for a wedding gift he bought me.

Again, help, please. The last communication was "you're my daughter now, and you have to spent time with me."


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## LoveBeingFemale (Nov 5, 2012)

At some point, you will have to sit down and talk with her. Could you do it in a public place that's not too noisy, but yet there are other people close by. That way at least, in my opinion, there would be a better chance of having a conversation between the two of you that would be not lead to either party being offended. Are you worried she will twist your words around if you have a conversation with her if you are alone with her??? If you can't stand the thought of going to coffee with her, what about having a conversation over the phone with her to keep her at a distance? You could always tell her it's just not possible for you to meet with her, but could talk on the phone with her.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> If i did it would be sure to massively offend her (and that would be a HUGE problem because it would cause major family drama, and everyone just wants to keep her happy because the alternative is... bad).
> *My husband agrees *that I shouldn't have to be alone with her, *but he has no ideas of how to deal with it*. And I'm running out of stalling time.


How much worse could it be? She alienates her children, bullies you, interferes with the relationships between her children and grandchildren...how much worse could it get?

*Are her children FINANCIALLY beholden to her (in her debt)? *Because short of them having to borrow money from her, I can't imagine WHY someone hasn't put her in her place and told her to back off!

If you two owe her money, get a bank loan, pay her off and tell her WHERE HER BOUNDARIES ARE.

If you don't owe her money, then tell her WHERE HER BOUNDARIES ARE.

There's nothing wrong with telling her, "As I work from home, it is NOT POSSIBLE for you to drop by during my working hours. I have clients who PAY ME to work for them during those hours. [hubby's name] and I are happy to arrange a time to visit with you on the weekends."

If she drops by UNANNOUNCED during working hours, REFUSE to open the door or answer it at all. She can call or leave a note...you're busy working.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

If you don't want to be alone with her, then just find excuses not to. I'm usually for honesty and straightforwardness, but however you would put this ,will just hurt her feelings. Let your husband say it to her if he wants, she's his mother. 
I don't know the history of your and your husband's relationship with her. Has she been a bad mother? You describe her as manipulative and intrusive. From what you wrote, she sounds like she is trying to befriend you and consider you like a daughter. Also, how is wishing to have a grandchild/ occupy herself with a grandchild ,manipulation? Again, I don't know all the history, if any.
You said that once you have a baby, this will change. You meant that you will accept her around to help with the baby, or that you don't want her anywhere near the baby? 
If your husband is not close to her, guess you won't have trouble to keep her away. But unless he has serious reason, I think it's wrong. You may wish for grandchildren one day, and your own child would ban you from his/ her house and not want anything with you...I learnt that karma's a bch..


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Your husband is going to have to take a stand with her or with you at some point. Sorry, but I don't think there's a way around it other than moving away when she moves closer, and that's not very practical for most people.


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## Its MY Marriage (Feb 12, 2013)

My husband is going to cash in some stocks (retirement) to pay her off, so he is getting us out from his debt to her.

I completely agree about needing REAL BOUNDARIES with her, we have tried setting a few up already, and she is ignoring or circumventing them. Its our fault because we aren't holding her to them, my husband just gets annoyed but doesn't want to make a stand (limiting his time with her has always been his escape), and I don't want to be the bad guy and the one "causing problems", i know, i need to get over it and just do it.

I will do as slowlygettingwiser suggests and tell her that she can not come over while i'm working. And even though my husband doesn't want to spend any time with her, he's just going to either deal with it and go out to coffee or something, or deal with her himself.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Okay, I am going to quote Dr Phil . . . When you get married and there are issues with family then she handles her people and he handles his people. Hubby needs to step up and be firm with his mother. He needs to protect you from her manipulations.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Its MY Marriage said:


> My husband is going to cash in some stocks (retirement) to pay her off, so he is getting us out from his debt to her.
> 
> I completely agree about needing REAL BOUNDARIES with her, we have tried setting a few up already, and she is ignoring or circumventing them. Its our fault because we aren't holding her to them, my husband just gets annoyed but doesn't want to make a stand (limiting his time with her has always been his escape), and I don't want to be the bad guy and the one "causing problems", i know, i need to get over it and just do it.
> 
> I will do as slowlygettingwiser suggests and tell her that she can not come over while i'm working. And even though my husband doesn't want to spend any time with her, he's just going to either deal with it and go out to coffee or something, or deal with her himself.


So your husband would be ok with it if she was gone from your lives? If so, set your boundaries firmly and don't worry about her becoming your enemy. Be your husband's protector on that one if he's willing to stand by you when you do.


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

Without knowing much about this woman you dislike so much, I would say you and your husband seem to be treating her very cold. She expressed a desire to be friendly with you and to a part of her son's life, and she is coldly rejected. No one is perfect. Why be so hard on her? How devastating to be a mother where your own sin supposedly doesn't even like you, and your daughter in law only thinks of what she "gains" from you and is planning on shutting you out of her and your grandchilds life. Is she really that evil that you would treat her this way? Did I miss something?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been married?


Its MY Marriage said:


> For the people who will say “just get over it and go to coffee": the only times we have been alone together she has tried to get me to agree to things and tries to back me into corners. She tries to manipulate and guilt me into things that I'm not comfortable with, and in the end does something rude like asking how much money my husband has because he owes her money for a wedding gift he bought me.


You think it’s rude of her to ask how much money your husband has. All you had to do is say that you don’t know. What is really rude is for your husband to borrow money from her for a wedding gift for you and then for him to just blow her off and not pay her. She probably asked about the money because she could not find a graceful way to ask why he was not paying his debt to her.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

So she's good enough to borrow money from but not good enough to go have coffee with?

You married into this family. You know your husband & how he deals with his Mother - avoidance. So she has flaws; everybody does.

She can only manipulate you if you allow it. Maybe you can learn how to stand up to her & set some boundaries & have a nice relationship in the future.


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## Its MY Marriage (Feb 12, 2013)

"_Without knowing much about this woman you dislike so much, I would say you and your husband seem to be treating her very cold_."

...inappropriate comments, with her selfish behavior, and for now, deal with how she undermines my husband with his son. That's just the general gist, I really didn't want to make a list of exactly what she's done that makes me want to avoid her.

“_She expressed a desire to be friendly with you and to a part of her son's life, and she is coldly rejected_” 

No... she left a voice mail telling me I needed to talk to her, because I'm her daughter now, and the only daughter she's going to have(none of this is said kindly and sweetly, it's an attempt at guilting me). And that she wants to come to my house while I'm working. That's not me reading into things, its what she said, and I was looking for a way to tell her "No" without offending her too badly... how is that coldly rejecting?

“_How devastating to be a mother where your own sin supposedly doesn't even like you_”

How devastating to be a son and have your mother constantly remind you of all the ways you have not done what she wanted? That you have done so much less in life then she wanted? That it doesn't matter if you're happy or not because you aren't happy her way? How terrible it would be to have her bring up painful memories of your father dying, so she can say “well, he wanted you to do XZY as well”?

“_your daughter in law only thinks of what she "gains" from you and is planning on shutting you out of her and your grandchilds life_”

She brings me stress and frustration, she makes the man I love stressed out and frustrated. And if she treats my children the way she treats us, and continues to undermine my husband and me, why put up with it? Because she doesn't mean to act that way? Because its just who she is?

"_What is really rude is for your husband to borrow money from her for a wedding gift for you and then for him to just blow her off and not pay her. She probably asked about the money because she could not find a graceful way to ask why he was not paying his debt to her_."

No, its not what happened, yes he borrowed money, and he had told her he would have it paid back by a certain date, it was well within his time frame when this happened, also, he had been making payments the whole while.
Since she "probably" couldn't find a "graceful" way to ask him, it was "graceful" to come into my house and say "I need money from my son, because i financed your bling"?

"_So she's good enough to borrow money from but not good enough to go have coffee with_?"

I didn't borrow money from her. If i had known it was happening, i would have let my husband know that i would rather not have something then need to borrow money to pay for it. I would have been happy with nothing.

Again, I'm just going to tell her that she can't come over while I'm working, and talk to my husband about what we need to do, I think we should get together with her for coffee or lunch/dinner, I do not think ignoring and avoiding her is good, I know that it makes her to do rude things, because how else is she going get him around her. I am trying to get them bridge the gap. But I will not fill the gap.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I do not get along with my inlaws either so I do understand. Infact, after many years I stopped all contact with them and I actually have liked that much better. 

You do not have to meet with your MIL one-on-one. You can tell her that you would be willing to meet with her at a time that your husband could be involved in the conversation and I think that actually would be best in this situation if you are willing to meet with her.

Don't let her statements make you feel guilty, it sounds like the woman is used to doing this to control people, don't play her game. Do what is best for you and your family.


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## Lowdown (Apr 28, 2013)

As a husband who has dealt/dealing with this exact issue, I do not recommend any alone time with MIL, as it will most likely result in things said that will turn into she said she said and put your H in middle to have to show where his loyalties lie and may only create more drama in your marriage. My opinion is there is nothing in that conversation that your H can't or shouldn't hear first hand. Trust me if you relationship with MIL is how you say, it is the same as my W and my mothers. I would strongly encourage that H be present for this conversation. My W and my mother had a conversation like this and the result was good until my mother told me she really didn't agree with what was said in this conversation. If I had been there she could not nor could my W deny to me what was said or agreed upon


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