# Is it possible? EA related



## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

For 5 weeks, my husband and my best friend engaged in an emotional affair. They communicated through his work email address so I had no idea. I knew he was up to something, but my best friend? Totally took me by surprise. So, I found out, and let everyone know that this was OVER.

Now, since I do not have access to his work email, I really have no idea if it is over or not. He says it is, but well, obviously lying isn't a foreign concept to him.

So here is the part I am having trouble with. At my husband's job he has 3 computer screens at his desk. He keeps one open to his email box at all times and one of the things he said to her during their tryst was that he anxiously anticipated her every response and read and re-read them because they made him feel so good. I have what I believe to be the full transcript of the emails. They emailed each other on average of every 12 minutes all day every day while he was at work for 5 weeks.

I asked him, you obviously got a high from emails from her, he told me he lit up when her name popped up in his inbox, so that first week after it ended you must have really felt a sense of loss. No more all day ego stroking. I mean, she was MY best friend and I felt the loss of being able to talk to her and I didn't communicate with her every 12 minutes every day. But he says no, he never missed her, once it was over, it was over and he hasn't missed her a bit.

This seems like major bull to me. But, I'll ask here, maybe I am the one who is warped. Do you think he missed or still misses her and is lying to me about it, he is lying about it being over so that's why he does not miss her, or is it possible to just turn your feelings on and off like a faucet?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

A male with working testicles does not miss ego(at least) stroking?

Cmon, you know the answer.

EX best friend right.

Work email... So breaking it off can be verified...?


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Yup it smells like BS to me. But work e-mail? Seriously, the guy (with all due respect) is an idiot. Not only is he screwing around with you, he’s risking his job (your and his well-being). I think you’re missing the issue here. It’s not whether or not he did or did not “drop it” but the fact that not only has he has shown himself to be a liar and a cheater but also a complete IDIOT and a MORON. If there are not children involved, I’d spare society the chance of propagating the bad seed of his gene pool and dump him ASAP.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Oh, I agree. I cannot believe he risked his job over this. And yes, former "friend".

And I have no verification it has been broken off. Not only do I have no access to his work email account, I can't even do a surprise visit at his job because I can't get in without a security clearance and that would give him time to delete.

He does admit he misses the ego stroking but wants me to do it. Obviously I am not. What can I say, great job making a fool out of me?

This is his 2nd EA. The first was a facebook EA and I caught him using spyware that I had set up to monitor my kids' behavior. Turns out, they weren't the ones who needed to be monitored. SO this time, he took it further underground. Hot better at being deceitful. They even talked about how it would drive me crazy if I knew and how clever that I couldn't read his work email.

Sadly, we do have 4 kids together. They all seem to have gotten my brains thank goodness. 2 are adults, the other 2 are 14 and 11. I am working on my exit plan but I have been a SAHM the entire 21 years of our marriage. And I homeschool on top of that, so things are complicated.

He has been classified as passive-aggressive. He is supposed to start EMDR therapy but his next appointment is a month away. I'm supposed to believe that this will be a miracle cure and that he will suddenly stop lying and cheating. Needless to say, I have my doubts. I'm just trying to determine now if he is still lying to me about not missing her. I even told him I wanted the truth, even if he thought it would be hurtful, I just want to know the truth. He insists he has not had any contact with her since Oct 11 and hasn't missed her for one minute since. This just isn't passing my smell test.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Hate to tell someone to harden their heart...

But i see incoming attacks on your heart.

Sorry. I call em as i see em.


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## DeterminedToThrive (Nov 2, 2013)

berries said:


> For 5 weeks, my husband and my best friend engaged in an emotional affair. They communicated through his work email address so I had no idea. I knew he was up to something, but my best friend? Totally took me by surprise. So, I found out, and let everyone know that this was OVER.


Since this was carried out through work email, how did you find out? Also, did HE ever send a "this is over" text, or email that you could see and verify he had sent it? 

I'm so sorry you find yourself here, I wish you the best of luck.


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## OptimusPrime (Feb 11, 2014)

Well firstly...yeah, my question was if you don't have access to his work email...how do you know he was getting messages every 12 minutes? 

But I'll offer another perspective.......talking to someone through email doesn't necessarily classify as someone he needs to "Miss"....perhaps he did get carried away temporarily.......men are no different than anyone else...they like to know their partner appreciates them and even flirts with them a little still......if he hasn't felt that for a long time and somehow this other woman made him feel a shred of that, then it could cause him to get carried away for a short time in feeling good like that.....

Now by no means am I defending him since I really don't know you or him or the nature of your relationship.....just playing devils advocate on reasons and possibilities...


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

My H had a work EA and claimed he was done and only wanted me when I found out. After some time passed, he admitted he did miss the relationship the first few weeks after he broke it off and still wished he could be with her instead of me. I'd be gone if it weren't for my son, too. I do think it's normal (though painful for us) for them to feel a sense of loss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

OptimusPrime said:


> Well firstly...yeah, my question was if you don't have access to his work email...how do you know he was getting messages every 12 minutes?
> 
> ...


I played the 2 idiots against each other. I KNEW he was at least having an EA, I'd been down this road before but I didn't know who it was with. I grilled him like an interrogator and he finally spilled it that it was my "best friend". So I called her, told her what he had said and asked her to send me the emails so that I could see that there was nothing to it. To put my mind at ease, let me see these things. She sent me 3 emails, none of which included her saying anything particularly damning. This was on a Sunday. Within minutes of confronting her, she deleted her facebook account. I told her to never contact him again by any method. 

I told him that she had sent me some emails and when he got to work Monday morning I wanted my inbox to be full of every email they exchanged. And he didn't know which ones she sent me so I would know if he left any out. I then constructed the entire conversations based on time stamps and there were a few responses that didn't add up and so I told him I knew there were more and I got what I think is all of them, except for one that is clearly missing and he says he doesn't know what happened to it and he doesn't remember what it said. I think he is lying but I have enough to conclude that this was NOT innocent, that he didn't just get "carried away". 

They both acknowledged multiple times that they knew they were betraying me. They considered the fact that if I found out, I would be hurt. They decided that what they had was just too good to worry too much about me.

He says he has not contacted her again. He did not send a "it's over" message to her that I am aware of. I have no proof of anything past October 11.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

My heart is hardened. He shows no remorse, any time I have tried to talk about my feelings he gets pissy and says I am just trying to make him feel bad, he SAID he was sorry! So, I have begun to move on. I'm back to doing family outings with my kids and he isn't invited. Tonight we are going to see the Lego movie. He wants to go, but both of my daughters don't want him there. So, he can stay home alone and enjoy being wild and free. I am making arrangements to move me and the kids out as soon as I can find a job. 

He thinks we should separate for 6 months and then get back together. That's his way of saying, you deal with all the hurt on your own for 6 months and then I'll come back and we'll act like nothing ever happened and I will get to have you take care of me again. Once I get out, it is over. I am having such a hard time figuring out how to get out and support my kids myself that once I clear those hurdles, I am not going to move backwards.

I guess, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter if he misses her or not. R is not on the table any more. He has had 4 months to show me he cared and he has not. Everything is about HIS pain. I just wondered because I think he is still lying to me. Who knows how much of what he says is a lie? I'm just going to assume everything he says until I have proof of otherwise.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If it was an EA, I am sorry to say, the feelings don't usually "just turn off" - especially since they've probably known eachother a long time.

And it goes without saying but that woman is not your "best friend." She's not a friend of any kind. Not to you, not to your marriage.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Oh I know she is no friend to me. But she was my BEST friend for 26 years. I talked to her EVERY DAY for 26 years. Not every 12 minutes though. But yes, my stbx knew her for the entire 21 years of our marriage. She commented to him that she was glad he finally realized how "charming" she is. Is there a barf smiley?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

berries said:


> Oh I know she is no friend to me. But she was my BEST friend for 26 years. I talked to her EVERY DAY for 26 years. Not every 12 minutes though. But yes, my stbx knew her for the entire 21 years of our marriage. She commented to him that she was glad he finally realized how "charming" she is. Is there a barf smiley?



I'm sorry you are here the compound betrayal must be devastating.

Have you sorted out how you feel about your WH? Your X best friend is obviously gone from your life just as it's been turned upside down. Some best friend, that is just vile. And that's a thing that you'd grieve (a divorce of sorts).

You first need to decide if you really love him. If you don't and have other reasons to stay get clear on those.

People stay in marriages because they truly love the person (not saying the spouse is worthy or worth it only you can figure these pieces out). If you are staying for other reasons, get honest about why. Is it fear of being alone, broke...

If he's going to be a serial liar and cheat. Your approach to staying and reasons need to be clear. I would not talk to him about it until you get clear on your goals and your own ideal outcome (realistic of course). It would be easy if you could just have this stuff go away and win the loterry

He's not clear about anything right now. Sorry you are here. Whatever choices you make aren't going to be easy.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You have a good plan. Stick to it. Anyone who does what your H did, with your best friend, showing no remorse, is not worth your love. I hope you can find that job and move on, away from your H.

I take it your daughters know what he did? Is that why they don't want him around?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If he wants you out for six months, its so they can carry on unfettered.

Is your ex bf married?

Tell him you want him to take a polygraph. This is to get his reaction, if he says ok set it up. If he refuses, just tell him you knew he was still cheating. If he agrees set it up, go through with it even if he makes a parking lot confession.

Why do you think they haven't gotten burner phones or some method to stay in contact. Normally when an ea is abrubtly stopped the people in the ea are devastated, depressed and showing all the signs of withdrawal.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Is your "friend" married? 

If yes, tell her H all about it.

Talk to an attorney. Your H will be paying some money to you for the D. At least child support, if not alimony. 

Hope your H can keep his job. He must not be extremely critical to his work if he could spend that much time fooling around at work.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Have you spoken to your ex friend about any of this? Seeing how you were friends with her for so long you two need to have a talk.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

berries said:


> My heart is hardened. He shows no remorse, any time I have tried to talk about my feelings he gets pissy and says I am just trying to make him feel bad, he SAID he was sorry! So, I have begun to move on. I'm back to doing family outings with my kids and he isn't invited. Tonight we are going to see the Lego movie. He wants to go, but both of my daughters don't want him there. So, he can stay home alone and enjoy being wild and free. I am making arrangements to move me and the kids out as soon as I can find a job.
> 
> He thinks we should separate for 6 months and then get back together. That's his way of saying, you deal with all the hurt on your own for 6 months and then I'll come back and we'll act like nothing ever happened and I will get to have you take care of me again. Once I get out, it is over. I am having such a hard time figuring out how to get out and support my kids myself that once I clear those hurdles, I am not going to move backwards.
> 
> I guess, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter if he misses her or not. R is not on the table any more. He has had 4 months to show me he cared and he has not. Everything is about HIS pain. I just wondered because I think he is still lying to me. Who knows how much of what he says is a lie? I'm just going to assume everything he says until I have proof of otherwise.



Berries, before you do anything you need to find yourself a SHARK divorce attorney. Preferably a female one. She will tell you how to prepare yourself for a divorce. Of course, don't tell your husband about it. You may not get to see his face when he is served divorce papers at work but, like a true artist, you will proud of yourself that you created one of these timeless Kodak moments. At least I was.

You have been SAHM for 21 years so you will take him to cleaners. Not only will he have to pay you child support for your two underage daughters, but also spousal support for you. I can assure you that you are in much better situation than he is. But again, you need to find an aggressive, experienced divorce attorney to fight for you. Not just an average one, you need a real shark. Like mine.


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

_He thinks we should separate for 6 months and then get back together._

He wants to try her out for six months and come back if it doesn't work.

Go for the divorce. You'll get more now in both alimony and child support then you will if you get a job and then file.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

I can confirm that there is withdrawal after an EA and for me it lasted over a year. I really doubt that he is not going through withdrawal with the behavior as you describe. He should be feeling it. He should show remorse and be willing to satisfy what you need to move on. At best he is trying to rugsweep. To me it sounds like hes gone underground with it.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

The betrayal is horrible. Nothing in my life, NOTHING, has ever been this painful. I would rather he would have beaten me every day than do this. And he claims he has never stopped loving me. Really? I asked him if he would want to be loved the way he loves me and he said he guessed not. But he says he can't talk to me so he had to talk to her. Well, most of what he had to say to her was how much he wanted to leave me so I guess that would have been hard to talk to me about for 5 weeks.

Now, he says he STILL can't talk to me because I don't react to what he says the way he wants me to. If I cry then he says, see, I can't talk to you. Well if you just said something hurtful to me, I am probably going to cry. I am a wreck anyway so it isn't like it takes much to push me over the edge. I told him he needs to tell me how he wants me to react before he says anything to me so he will be satisfied with my response.

Yes, all 4 of my kids know what happened. There was no way to keep it from them. They were friends with her kids, she was like an "aunt", I considered her my sister. None of my kids knew about the first EA. I sucked it up and stayed because he was being a decent dad then.

But now? He hasn't had anything to do with the kids in months. And my daughters have just flat lost respect for him. My oldest son has had his moments where he has flared up, my youngest son is the one who seems the least affected.

I outed her to everyone I could, I called her husband at HIS job and told him everything and then sent him copies of the emails. And I also sent him proof of a PA she had with a man from her church 2 years ago.

My girls are 20 and 11. They have both been told their whole lives that they are my mini-me's. They talk like me, they look like me, we all 3 often finish each others sentences. They have seen their father's disdain for me and they are taking it personally. I have done everything I possibly can to assure them that he loves them, that they can love him and they are not betraying me. But he does nothing to show them he loves them. I told him he needs to make re-connecting with the kids his number 1 priority. Then he tells me I am lecturing him. So fine, I can't make him care about any of us.


We went to the lego movie and my heart is just broken. He used to always play legos with them and now he just has nothing to do with them. This should have been a nice family night out but one of us is missing. I am grieving the loss of a live person. I KNOW he used to be a good dad and I don't know what happened. And it breaks my heart for my kids because they can remember when he acted like he cared.

I don't know how I feel. I know I have to get out and our relationship is just toxic. I wish he could be the man I thought I was married to, but it appears like it was just an illusion all along anyway. He gives off a psychopathic vibe, he is just so cold and callous towards us all. If any of us try to express our feelings he tells us our feelings are ridiculous or nonsense.


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## OptimusPrime (Feb 11, 2014)

berries said:


> *I played the 2 idiots against each other.* .


Is it wrong that I really like this response?


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I just thought it was ironic that they both thought themselves so clever for deceiving me, they were just soooooo smart. And I managed to get them to willingly hand over everything. Yep, they were clever all right.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

berries said:


> I just thought it was ironic that they both thought themselves so clever for deceiving me, they were just soooooo smart. And I managed to get them to willingly hand over everything. Yep, they were clever all right.


They always think they are so clever and if you were to point out this fact, they would twist it and turn it around, stating that they provided all of this evidence just to prove that you didn't know as much as you thought you did and they were so awesome at concealing it from you (don't bet that this type of discussion won't come about, as they think they are always in control of every situation).


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Oh my ex BFF just told all her family members that I am crazy, that I have had a break with reality and need to be put in a psychiatric hospital. And they are all nutty as fruitcakes too. Her mom went so far as to send messages to my kids on facebook. I had to kill their facebook accounts for a while to keep her from harassing them. Now everybody's accounts are locked down like Fort Knox.


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