# Considering divorce need advice



## DiddyJ (May 30, 2020)

So after 29 years together and 20 years of marriage with 3 kids ages 15-26 the wife says she is ready to split up and divorce. This came out of the blue for me. Totally unexpected. We’ve had our problems fights arguments like anyone else. Her mom just passed and left her money so I think she feels secure now. We both have good jobs. We have accumulated things over the years. I don’t want this, she does. Apparently I’ve been a **** over the years telling everyone they need to clean, do this, do that, etc. I’m not going into detail but I feel I’ve been like this because the kids are lazy and really won’t do a thing until told 2-3 times every day. Anyhow that’s not my concern right now and I could go on but I love my family and never expected this. I’ve worked hard my entire life in my 40’s now this. It’s like a kick in the teeth.

The reason I’m here...my wife is 1 year younger than myself, loves to hang with my 18 year old daughter and smoke weed literally every day for like 2 months now. Hangs here at my house with all her 18 yo friends and the wife always right there with them. I’ve told them I don’t like it but it keeps going on. I guess my wife thinks it’s cool. I don’t have anything against weed, but this is ridiculous. I don’t want to cause more turmoil between us but what do I do? I don’t want my property and home used as a hangout for my wife and kids to smoke weed all the damn time. But they don’t care what I think and don’t listen to me when I ask them to stop I don’t approve of it. What would you do?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So I do have things against weed particularly when young people are smoking daily. 
your property or both of your property?
Is weed legal in your state?

Are you sure you just aren't annoyed because you wife has rejected you and this is a way of getting to have a say?
If weed isn't legal call the cops. Your 15 year old is of concern and probably shouldn't be exposed to this daily. Have you discussed this with your wife? 

Make sure that you aren't being vindictive because that can harm a relationship with your daughter and also you soon to be ex. You will still need to co-parent actively for 3 more years and passively for a life time.

Since you haven't expressed any desire to save the marriage I'll save the advice there.

The inheritance was obtained while married so it may very well be a martial asset. While I personally would never go after someones inheritance you maybe able to leverage that to get the wife to quit the weed until after the divorce and separation. Have you two talked with an attorney? Discussed how to split the assets? While you both work does on make more than the other? Will alimony be in play?


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

It almost sounds like your missus is trying to rediscover her youth...? Albeit in an unhealthy way.

If she approves of, and joins in with, smoking weed with the daughter, that is not setting a responsible example of how adults are supposed to behave.

Your post indicates that you are solely the authoritive person in the household. Has it always been this way? Or has it been a more shared set up?

From my experience, living with someone who smokes weed on a daily basis (when you don't) is a recipe for failure/disaster.

I understand the need to establish some order in a household. Could there be any chance that you may have been too hard over the years?

Lastly, and this relates to possibly trying to rediscover her youth... Has she gone through menopause yet? 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## DiddyJ (May 30, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> So I do have things against weed particularly when young people are smoking daily.
> your property or both of your property?
> Is weed legal in your state?
> 
> ...


A. I don’t care about her inheritance it’s hers. I’ve always made more money she got a new job 3 months ago now we are about the same. I just want my 2 Old cars she never cared about and I’m willing to buy her out half the house. That’s where we both have an issue is we both want the home to stay in.


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## DiddyJ (May 30, 2020)

Luminous said:


> It almost sounds like your missus is trying to rediscover her youth...? Albeit in an unhealthy way.
> 
> If she approves of, and joins in with, smoking weed with the daughter, that is not setting a responsible example of how adults are supposed to behave.
> 
> ...


Yes I agree with you 100% we on the same page about the rediscover youth idea that’s what I’m wondering and seeing.

I would consider myself as the person with authority as you state trying to keep things in order and keep the household running smooth as far as kids chores etc... she is too easy on the kids let’s them get ny with doing nothing over the years, but that’s what’s coming back to haunt me!! Yes I’ve been too hard and I regret it now!

No menopause but I think you hit the nail on the head about the rediscovering youth idea I’ve thought the same thing. Great reply thank you. I’m really torn by this sudden change and I’m trying to understand.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

DiddyJ said:


> Yes I agree with you 100% we on the same page about the rediscover youth idea that’s what I’m wondering and seeing.
> 
> I would consider myself as the person with authority as you state trying to keep things in order and keep the household running smooth as far as kids chores etc... she is too easy on the kids let’s them get ny with doing nothing over the years, but that’s what’s coming back to haunt me!! Yes I’ve been too hard and I regret it now!
> 
> No menopause but I think you hit the nail on the head about the rediscovering youth idea I’ve thought the same thing. Great reply thank you. I’m really torn by this sudden change and I’m trying to understand.


Sounds like she is trying to be a friend rather than a parent to her kids.

More often than not from observations/experience, regular/daily smokers of weed tend to have a 'laid back' approach to things that is at times irresponsible.

Has the missus always been a regular smoker of it? If so, has it been to deal with anything, mask anything (i.e. Insecurities, anxiety, depression etc.)


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Facts presebted: she smokes weed with kids.
You said she wants a divorce “out of the blue”
She just got a new job three months ago.
You are says to be at fault for x,y,z by your wife.

These statements point strongly to your wife having a new live interest.

the most important thing: your wife says she wants a divorce, and never said “unless”......

once this bs starts, it doesn’t get better.
My as Advice
is to hire an attorney and if SHE doesn’t change her mind about it on her own while the process is occurring, 
Divorce her and move in with your life.

Sounds like she’s doing you a favor, but regardless, you pleading, crying, begging, trying in any way to prevent her from divorcing you will drive her farther away.


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## DiddyJ (May 30, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> Facts presebted: she smokes weed with kids.
> You said she wants a divorce “out of the blue”
> She just got a new job three months ago.
> You are says to be at fault for x,y,z by your wife.
> ...


I ask her each day if we can work things out but I don’t plead or beg, only the first day when I was taken by surprise did I beg in a way.

Each day goes by and I still can’t belive I’m in this situation. I’m trying to give her time but she strongly suggest this is how it’s got to be. 

Maybe it’s for the best. I’m tired of trying to get my 15 son and 18 daughter to do things around the house and get out to do things. I’m always the bad guy for getting on them. It’s tough to explain. literraly nice sunny 70 degree days they lay on the couch, my wife doesn’t say a word and I’m the bad guy if I get on them. They don’t do chores unless asked 3 times then I get pissed and raise my voice. Then I get yelled at by her. 

But more than anything I can’t stand her smoking weed with my 18 daughter and her 18 yo friends. And of course my 18 yo daughter is all for mom. 

Just a quick story, yesterday...I noticed my daughters 2003 Nissan Altima, that used to be my mothers car and in excellent condition, I noticed has the back passenger door dented up pretty bad about the size of a basketball. She has already had two accidents over 2yrs that cost me about $3000 total so that I did not have to report it to my insurance. I had to go to court last year and settle with one of the drivers of the other car. Long story short... I sent her a text asking what happened to the car and she said it’s been like that. I then show her a picture from 2 months ago that it was perfect condition. She then says a gate hit the side of the car and I’m blind that I never noticed it. Then I say get and estimate and get it fixed. She sends “LOL”. So after 2 years of paying her insurance, paying for accidents, paying for all repairs and maintenance cost to keep the car nice, this is what I get. Then her mom tells me to leave it go. Absolutely no respect and no regard for what I’ve done for her to have a nice car to drive. Not only was I so pissed off but just broken of the disrespect.

I think I’m getting a lawyer. Any advice on a good lawyer what to look for? As a male, should I get a male or female lawyer???


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

I have a habit of talking about respect in my posts, and I'll drive it home again in this.

If your daughter does not respect you, WHY are you paying her insurance bills still? She is an adult now, if she can't pay her own way then how about taking the car off of her if she cannot treat it right, and at the very least, talk to you should something happen to it (i.e. damage) rather than joke and be disrespectful. 

The whole 'good cop, bad cop' scenerio that has played out in your family has made your kids defer to whatever Mum thinks is ok because she is the soft target that doesn't advocate discipline or a desire to see her kids excel or have a healthy standard of responsibility.

Maybe in time your kids will understand what you have been trying to instill in them for all these years, but they will get away with whatever they can, and with you not having a united front with your wife on this, it's like pushing a car up a hill with a rope.

If all this is happening with you being the provider, start limiting what you provide, start taking away, and leave just the basics (shelter, food, water etc.). Sounds harsh but they are taking you for a ride and not earning the right to 'sit around doing nothing'. 

I'm sure they will go to 'mommy' because, from what you have said, she is a sucker with no parent/child boundaries but at least you will be saving yourself the frustration of trying to win this particular battle.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Luminous said:


> Maybe in time your kids will understand what you have been trying to instill in them for all these years, but they will get away with whatever they can, and with you not having a united front with your wife on this, it's like pushing a car up a hill with a rope.


It's a battle you can't win. Go see a lawyer for his/her advice. No preference, male/female, just a lawyer who is familiar with divorce cases and family law in your locale. Your wife is a highly self-interested person, interested more in her own ease-of-life than in her children's, or her husband's, welfare. She wants to be "friends" with her daughter.

Let your wife bear the brunt of being like this. Let her have 100% responsibility for her daughter, from now on. Your daughter is an ADULT. Whatever you could do, is now over.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@DiddyJ Well, let's see. Your wife is immature. Your wife has, most likely, turned your children against you.

You need to divorce your wife and your children. All three of them don't respect you so they need to be out of your life. Easy for me to say, I know, but it's easy for people outside to see what the person in the midst of the trouble cannot see. They often can't see the wood for the trees.

If your wife wants a divorce, give her one and do it quickly. Cut off spending on all of them. No insurance, nothing. This needs to be done legally, obviously.

If you can afford it, hire a PI to check into your wife. Something about her attitude and her behaviour stinks. She might not be having an affair, but it's likely she is.

And as the saying goes: "Any woman of a certain age who has an 18 year old girl as her best friend is just weird."

And you already have one girl of 18 in your life, why the hell would you want another?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

When parents are not on the same page, kids get spoiled. Your wife does seem immature.
Sign these divorce papers. 
and work on changing your relationship with your children, if it's still possible. There myst be rules, they can not just get things for free.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DiddyJ said:


> The reason I’m here...my wife is 1 year younger than myself, loves to hang with my 18 year old daughter and smoke weed literally every day for like 2 months now. Hangs here at my house with all her 18 yo friends and the wife always right there with them.


What is your state's age for legal weed use and possession? It's 21 in some state. Your wife could be charged with providing weed to minors, not just your daughter but her friends as well. Shoot you could even lose your house over that.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I would document/get lawyers advice on how to document her smoking weed with your kids. Your spoiled child of a wife is going to rape you in this divorce. You need proof for a judge to see. Do not let your wife know you’re seeing a lawyer.

what you’re seeing with your wife and kids won’t change for the better. It’s going to get worse. Personally, I’d get out and find a woman that has similar values to you. You’ll be a lot happier.

your daughter have Boys coming over? Are you sure? It’s possible one of them is enjoying more than weed at your place.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

The weed is not as harmless as some think. It can get addictive is used daily. Besides, heavy use is associated with reduced gray matter in the brain, especially in young adults, whose brains is still developing
In other words - daily smoking can make your kids more stupid. This is not just a matter of divorce, you need to shake your family for the kids sake.
it's one thing to have it now and then for fun, another to make is part of your daily diet.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Make sure you get proof that she is smoking weed with the kids (a PI is a great idea here). IF this is illegal in your state, you could have her arrested for this, and ALSO if the kids are underage for this stuff.
I agree with the above -- the kids don't want to do anything, then do nothing for them -- no pay for the car, insurance, phones, allowance, etc.. They want to act like that then let them have the consequences. Make sure mommy doesn't have access to your money to give to them. If SHE wants to pay them, fine, but it needs to be from her own funds.


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