# Need brutally honest opinion...



## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

So, my H had an emotional affair and when he was working on coming clean we had a night of complete honesty. He was humbled and broken to the core - and revealed not only some details about this affair that I needed, but also confirmed my suspicions from a totally different, but very much the same affair from about 10 years ago. 

Net net, that night he revealed a lot of very humbling and private information that he never thought he would have to face again.

Then, the next day - after more than a few drinks at a party (both of us) we had a HUGE fight. It climaxed with him saying that it was over and that he didn't love me anymore. He was really drunk, but he looked me in the eye and said "nope. nothing. i feel nothing for you anymore. you are a single mother and i am a single father. i'm calling my lawyer tomorrow." All this was said right in front of my 10 year old son, who pleaded for him to take it back. 

It was by far one of the worst nights of my life. He was the one who cheated and betrayed me, yet I was the one who refused to let him go. After a few days he assured me and my son that he was not leaving, that it was the worst night of his life, and that he never never wants to think about it again. He also said he was so thankful that I didn't let him go.

We have been patching things up - and its actually going well. But I often think back to this night - was it true to the core? was it alcohol? was it just that he was completely humiliated/humbled by revealing so much the day before?
Please, anyone I would really appreciate your POV? His is only here for the kids and forcing a fit with me for their sake?


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## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

I have been in your situation more than once. For me, it's cyclical. That type of fight happens every six months or so. 

But for the record, I highly doubt what he said while drunk was true. People say stupid things when they're drunk. 
However, I don't think it was a flat-out lie, either. He probably has (or had at the time) mixed feelings. Men get confused about how they feel and what to do just as easily as we do. But (IMO) they don't like feeling like that and it comes out sometimes as anger at the other person. 
Keep talking to him about it. You know him better than anyone and you'll figure out the truth.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with easysilence.

He probably is guilty and has mixed feelings....he will/can come up a mess of excuses. "It's your fault." Don't be surprised to hear that at one point.

It sounds like it may have been a wake up call. Get your relationship fixed and put some hard core effort into it. Don't wait to go to marriage counseling.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Thank you for your POV. This is hard hard stuff.


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## H8M32DAY (Oct 16, 2008)

More than one affair. Blows up and says "nope. nothing. i feel nothing for you anymore. you are a single mother and i am a single father. i'm calling my lawyer tomorrow." If you don't mind me asking, what was the arguement over that led him to say this?

I may be harsh, but I'd let him know where the door is and that he can find his way out.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

stillinshock,

you want a personal point of view? how's this. 

he feels so guilty about what he did that he hates himself. gets a little drunk (i hate alcohol) and decides he's going to download some guilt.

how to do that? proclaim his lack of feelings. to him, it ain't cheating if he doesn't care about his relationship with you.

it's a terribly immature way to handle the situation. but if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck...hey maybe he is immature?

sound reasonable?


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

someone said it above but definitely think both of you ( & just you ) if your husband won't agree to go to counseling. ( some employers offer consultations through their employee assistance programs - might be worth loooking into?)

I think it is promising that you had a real heart to heart with your husband & he opened up about things that have happened in the past. I am sure that some of those things were hard for you to hear ( just as they were for him to say) but he owed you that if he was the "cheater". I think it is a sign that he wants to work things out & if you feel that he is being honest finally - then I think that is a HUGE step in the right direction ( lets think positive here!!)

as for the next night - I am sure the alcohol came into play but after pouring out his heart the night before - it seems a bit extreme. 
Let me ask you- do you think things are over with the other woman? Because if you think she may still be in the picture - then I think that is is a different story. I think that the other woman needs to be out of the picture completely before you can make any head way in your relationship. 
You mentioned that you think your husband may be staying for your son - that is a good reason to work on marriage & not just give up. If it is the only reason he is staying - I don't think he will stay too long. 
But I think if you continue to have open & honest discussions about what happened. try to determine what caused your husband to stray & see if you can get to the root of the problem & identify it & then come up with a plan on how to fix it & make things better. If you can do that - you are on your way to a happy marriage again. 
It won't be easy but sounds like you both are willing to work hard & try to repair the damage. If you can avoid divorce that would be wonderful news. 
But how I have rationalized it, if you exhaust all your options & it's still not working , then it is time to move on. But you sound like you are still at the very beginning stages of exploring your options of repair. 
best wishes!!


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Thank you so much everyone. So many of you gave comments there are very helpful and I really needed to understand. Hard stuff - but yes, the OW is gone and I know his intentions are in the right place, now. I'm going to work on the positive.
Thanks.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

He's greiving for the emotional loss of the other woman. He's been emotionally connected to her, and that relationship has been broken even though he loves her still. It takes time to work that out in a man. Assuming it ever fully works out.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Atholk - That is it! That is exactly what I had been feeling but couldn't explain to myself. So, now that it has been a while and I'm sure she is out of the picture - BUT it is a small world and we WILL cross paths with her - how can I assure myself that he is no longer 'in love with her"? I feel like before I can allow myself to move forward completely I need to know that his 'love' for her is gone. Or is this just asking too much.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

your husband needs to assure you that he is in love with you & it is his responsiblity to make that up to you after his breach in his maritial vows. If he really wants this to work - he should be doing the work of convincing you how much you mean to him, that he loves you & how he want to try to make things up to you. 
If you can see that he is in good faith trying to make things work, then little by little you can begin to rebuild that trust between you. He need to live a transparent life & reassure you & he need to earn back that trust. 
It may be hard for you to trust again but if you take little baby steps hopefully it will get easier over time. 

You have to keep in mind that the affair had nothing to do with you. Its not that the OW was prettier, smarter, etc. When I found out about my husbands affair I beat myself up thinking what does this OW have that I don't have, why has he gone to her, etc. Of course there are things we both could have done better in our marriage. But it took me a LONG time to realize it was not my fault. My husband/your husband had a choice (knowing that they were married) & choose to make a very poor decision & a totally selfish one. No one forced themt to have an affair - they could have walked away from their marriage before it started if they were sooo unhappy. but they didn't they choose to be unfaithful & if they want to earn back trust & respect - they need to earn it. 

sorry about my soapbox about cheating husbands as hard as it might be, really try to focus on you & really try to forget about the other woman & definitely don't even try to compare yourself to her. YOU R BETTER THAN THAT


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

stillINshock said:


> Atholk - That is it! That is exactly what I had been feeling but couldn't explain to myself. So, now that it has been a while and I'm sure she is out of the picture - BUT it is a small world and we WILL cross paths with her - how can I assure myself that he is no longer 'in love with her"? I feel like before I can allow myself to move forward completely I need to know that his 'love' for her is gone. Or is this just asking too much.


You can't assure yourself that he is no longer in love with her. The feelings will likely remain for quite some time. He will always be weak to reestablishing a relationship with her.

The thing to know is that these are feelings he has, not actions. Meet his needs, have him met yours, continue on together. Pay better attention to each other. In time, feelings will follow actions.


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