# thinking of splitting up



## clio (Jun 24, 2013)

Hi
First time on here as I was looking for someone to share my thoughts with as I have no friends to talk with.

So I have been with my partner 12 years, 10 living together. I have a boy from previous marriage now 23,,he as never married althrough as had long term relationships in past.

The past 2 years we havnt really been getting on, I have had another episode of anxiety/depression.although at the beginning he as very supportive and helpful. In this time he was working and really didn't like his new manager post,it was making him I'll with IBS headaches headaches tiredness General unwell feelings. I supported thought out this,it turned into him having an ocd about his health to the point It used to drive me mad all the time on the internet looking at symptoms! What he had! Cancer,thyroid problem,parasites,diverticulitis etc etc. He as know finished work he left with a pay out,and is on esa benefit.

This now as slowed down and I am very much better with my anxiety.
But now we are both at home all day,he will go and do a small shop what Is needed for that day.asking me as soon as I wake up what do we need aghh. He gets up at 8, and I because I don't sleep well about 10.

He will only do certain things in the house like.
Small shop
washing
Hoover rug living room
Cut hedges,cut grass.
Wash pots after tea clean kitchen.

I have to do everything else! This is really getting to me now as he will sit there till tea is ready but yet tells me it's five o'clock or put oven on.
Never dream of taking off bedding and washing it,Hoover upstairs,make bed or clean shower even though he as 2 showers day. Never cleans Windows,nothing more than list above.

I feel like I am a housemates/cook.

Please tell me honestly am I being unreasonable??? As I am getting more angry the more I think of it.

We are always arguing now,and he will put me in Coventry all night and just go on the laptop then go to bed and leave me downstairs.
It used to bother me,but now I am used to it so carry it on.

This is not how I want to live arguing most of the time over silly things,he also says about my son when he starts to do things I will but my son work's all day he is at home all day.

Am I unreasonable???


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Why are you both not working? I agree that he needs to pull his weight while he is home. BUT, you should both be working! How in the world do you make ends meet?? And what is beign "put in coventry"?


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## clio (Jun 24, 2013)

Not that this as anything to do with my thread, but I will answer it anyway!

I don't work because I have chronic anxiety GAD /depression under mental health team and psychiatrists.

He doesn't work because of stress and health issues 

We own our own house! And he got a very large compensation payment from work!! Which we live off and I have a monthly company pension. We are not scroungers!

Being put into Coventry is not being spoken to ignored.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

It sounds to me like you're expecting your H to be your everything. No person is capable of that, and shouldn't be put in that position. It probably makes you look needy and *****y to your H, and I wouldn't want to talk to or spend time with that either.

You said you have no friends. Why not? It seems like you should be getting out and doing some things you enjoy with other people. Friends don't have to be someone that would die for you, just someone that shares an interest or activity. Sitting at home all day without a job or friends contributes to low self-esteem, which contributes to depression.

It's difficult to measure the amount of household contribution. If you have 20 acres and 400 bushes that he takes care of, then I would say that "yes," he's pulling his fair share. How do YOU measure it? Time? Sweat? Energy? Frequency? It sounds like _you're_ not happy with it and that's what matters here. Have you expressed your dissatisfaction to your H? If not, why not? If so, what was his response?


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## clio (Jun 24, 2013)

Because when he was working I did everything,so know we are both at home I think it's fair we both share the chores. But he just seems to choose the ones he wants to do.

When I have mentioned about the bedding,shower cleaning he busted ignores it or laughes or says when my son starts to clean he will.

I'm fed up off mentioning it because it just leads to an agreement so It just builds up inside me.this I do not won't or need, he just puts it behind him and it's never happened.

Why should he only choose what he wants to do, and I pick up all the rest. Last week for instance,it was a lovely day so I said I was going to jet wash the patio he said no leave it's ok(no incident it filthy) I said i would do it on my own which I am capable of. So he went out on his bike,ok I got on with it not happy but did.yet when he came back he started to point out where to do and how I'd already done half by then.
After I carried on he stood watching. He put things away after for me,then expected me to make the tea when he was watching me for over an hour and could of prepared it.

Am I being petty?


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

> Why should he only choose what he wants to do..


 It doesn't matter whether or not he _should,_ he IS. The fact is that you choose, too (the patio), you just have a higher threshold than he does. I'm there, too, with a higher threshold than my H; it's an annoying place to be.

So the question becomes what to do about it?

You start by very clearly asking for what you need. You tell him specifically. And you need to present it in a positive way, not in a scolding way, like his mother. If he has a reason for not accommodating the first thing you ask of him, then have something else ready.

If he flat-out refuses to accommodate any of your needs, then you need to decide if you want to stay. The fact is that you can't change someone else, so you decide for yourself what you will put up with and what you won't.

I agree with him on one thing though, your son should be doing something to help out. He still lives there and needs to contribute, just like he would if he lived on his own. Does he have a lot of resentment regarding your son? Step-families have a slew of inherent problems of their own.

And you still need to get out and get a life and other friends and not depend solely on your H. It will have the added bonus of making you more interesting to you H.


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