# Always the lies but I'm not perfect.



## KR100 (Jul 27, 2016)

When I met my girlfriend, she was always texting on her smart phone. The texting became less frequent, but she would get texts quite often. She'd charge her phone face down and have it locked and with her at all times. My gut was telling me something wasn't right but we came to an agreement that as long as the texts were appropriate (no opposite sex texting, text to people with history, exes etc), it was fine but anything inappropriate should be communicated. I excluded all other women from my life completely.

One day a couple months later, my ex girlfriend made contact with me. I told her I was with someone and phoned my girlfriend to let her know. She was not happy I'd been contacted. A while after that, a text came in on my girlfriends phone while she was in the shower. I looked at the locked screen and saw it was from a guy. I left it hoping she'd tell me and got on with things. She didn't tell me and that was sort of OK, but when I asked if she'd had any texts I should know about, she said no. I gave her lots of opportunities to be honest but she just couldn't do it. It was the first time I had seen that look on her face like she's in cognitive overload, her body language changes and her pupils dilate. My gut was screaming something at me.

We then entered a period of a couple weeks of her repeatedly lying about who she's been texting with. It transpired from her smart phone bill there were around 1000 texts to other guys. She swore there was no history with any of them but I found out half of them were to her ex and they'd gone as far as reminicing where they'd had sex. I simply have never been able to get past that she'd do that, the hypocrisy of beating me up for the one text I received from an ex and the denying of everything, right up until the phone bill was presented to her.

I have to admit that I did not cope with this well. I would get drunk and be very disrespectful. I have said some very nasty things to her and would flirt with other women as I considered she was flirting by text. Her deciept fuelled my anger and behavour. I think we forgave each other because we were both as bad as each other and most of the time, our relationship was actually very pleasurable and intense. Deep down we are both decent people.

For two years there didn't seem to be any problems apart from the mistrust. But when she got a second smart phone for work, she started charging face down again, always kept it close and I knew it was happening again. She dropped her guard one day and I found hundreds of messages going back as far as I know, two months to male colleagues at her work. She'd go through the whole weekend first thing Monday morning saying how I'd said this and done that. how I was mistreating her, calling her fat, isolating her. none of that is true. She painted me in a very bad light, her as perfect and of course they lapped it up with sympathy, support, poking fun at me, telling her she needs to leave me and they'll look after her etc. It was disgusting to read. There were some sexually suggestive remarks from them, not so much from her. The texts could number 100 a day backwards and forwards every few minutes or so.

When I asked her about it, I did it calmly and gave her multiple opportunities to be honest. Her pupils went huge and she denied and lied again until I told her I saw the messages. She got angry and said she doesn't need this crap. She admitted there was another guy on a messenger app that I wasn't aware of but she wouldn't unlock her phone and show me, so I asked her to pack and leave right away. She did.

What hurts the most is that she could carry on like this behind my back. That if I had not have found out, she would have continued beating me up for my shortcomings while she was carrying on how she was. She admitted she probably wouldn't have told me ever. And to do it with other men and talk about me like that. And the fact that she finds it completely impossible to be honest. I don't think I can fix that in her. It's like she's got some fault in her brain. She just can't make the connection that the truth is less harmful than lying. She couldn't just show me her phone and maybe it was still fixable. That's when I start to think she is hiding something more and this is only the tip of the iceberg.

We have agreed that the damage we have caused is about even. I'm worried for her and I'm worried for myself if I can ever repair from this.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Run from this woman like a scalded dog.

Nothing in your relationship has been real.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

KR100 said:


> We have agreed that the damage we have caused is about even. I'm worried for her and I'm worried for myself if I can ever repair from this.


Her actions don't excuse anything you do. There are actions towards romantic partners that you just don't do.

For example, if a woman had sex with a random man because she was first cheated on. She still cheated. It is just as bad. But, what individuals do is paint themselves as victims so that others won't hold them accountable for the actions they took.

Explain why you can't repair from this? She was never fully invested in the relationship, and you have the ability to go on to meet someone who will be. I recommend that you take some time so that you look at your side of the equation, so that those behaviors don't bite you in the butt, later down the road.

Nothing voiced in your post was overly heinous. However, it speaks to a rather unworkable relationship. She confides in others, especially others of the opposite sex. That is an extremely dangerous condition. Besides it posing a risk for cheating, it guarantees that she and others will be against you. Romantic partners are supposed to be on each other's side...

Her actions are probably more than just wanting to fuel gossip. My assumption is that she wanted pity from men she liked, so that it would lead somewhere.

Invest in yourself. 

good luck.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

She lies because she doesn't want it to stop. 

She wants to continue having relationships with other men and resents you for standing in the way. 

If you don't want to share your partner then you'll need to find a different one. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Any children with her? No? Thank goodness. 

Presumably she is doing all this texting whilst at work. On company time. Using company resources. Just a thought....

You need to see a solicitor/lawyer to establish your legal rights and you should change your bank account passwords ASAP.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You two aren't on the same page for a relationship and you should let her go and find someone else.

In the future though you shouldn't let someone's bad behavior determine yours. You make your own choices on what you do


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## KR100 (Jul 27, 2016)

Thanks everyone.

Why Chaparral? Can you explain further.

I agree RT and Ceegee. She says shes never really got on with women and always had loads of male friends. Shes a lot younger than me and tells me its normal nowadays. The problem was most of them were not just friends but she presented them as such. I think she likes the attention and validation however she has to get it. I couldn't go with this so the agreement was that it all stopped. I think she resents it. Some people might be able to maintain safe opposite sex friends but she is not one of them.

The thing is, she shared quite early on some bad things about her childhood. We actually have this in common. And I worry about her vulnerability with that. She was in a bad place when we met and I'm afraid she'll return there. I have been trying to get her to go and speak to someone but she says shes fine and she won't. We are no contact and if I message to be careful, she'll think I'm just trying to stop her moving on and I'm the bad guy again.

No there are no kids MattMatt. Yes, mostly at work. She's always told me how busy she is, leaving early, getting in late. But I question that now. No need for a lawyer and I've already changed my passwords.

I know I have been wrong too. I was weak and too consumed by her to move on after the first set of lies. I've hung around trying to fix the unfixable and the frustration of not making progress has got me in a confused fog and I've behaved the worst of my life. I have learnt so much but I'm just about rock bottom and I've never been anywhere near this messed up with a woman before.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

It sounds like you have broken up with her and your feet are now on solid ground. The things she did were all on her. They show how deeply flawed she is and you should be happy that you are now free of her. Good for you! 

The pain of a breakup can be severe. Take your time to heal then move on to someone new. This time maybe look for someone your own age.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

KR100 said:


> Thanks everyone.
> 
> Why Chaparral? Can you explain further.
> 
> ...



What's "normal nowadays" is irrelevant.

You don't like it because she's not trustworthy.

This isn't a debate about OSF's.

Also, "Always the lies but I'm not perfect". Why are you making excuses for her?

Of course you're not perfect. No one is. 

There is no excuse for her crossing boundaries with other men and lying to you about it repeatedly. 

She is not who you thought she was.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Just a G/F? Not married? Go find someone BETTER! There are millions and millions of other single woman out there! And they are much more beautiful than this broken POS!


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## KR100 (Jul 27, 2016)

I'm just trying to acknowledge my part in it and seek advice on a fair representation of what was happening. I can't talk to anyone we know because I'm embarrassed to admit she has this side to her and have always had to deal with it alone. My bad behavour everyone has seen anyway because I never made any attempt to hide it. I simply can't betray her that way despite what shes done. Thats not my style of misdemeanor.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

KR100 said:


> I'm just trying to acknowledge my part in it and seek advice on a fair representation of what was happening. I can't talk to anyone we know because I*'m embarrassed to admit she has this side to her* and have always had to deal with it alone. My bad behavour everyone has seen anyway because I never made any attempt to hide it. I simply can't betray her that way despite what shes done. Thats not my style of misdemeanor.





KR100 said:


> I know I have been wrong too. I was weak and too consumed by her to move on after the first set of lies. I've hung around trying to fix the unfixable and the frustration of not making progress has got me in a confused fog and I've behaved the worst of my life. I have learnt so much but I'm just about rock bottom and I've never been anywhere near this messed up with a woman before.


Stop being embarrassed for her behavior. Let her own her own issues and you worry about yours.

I wouldn't be the greatest guy to be around if my woman continually lied to me about her secret relationships with other men either. 

Then again, I would keep her around long enough to find out.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

some one like her, if you say nothing, if you do not expose her for the person she is, will simply turn this around and put 100% of the blame on you. just a thought.


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## KR100 (Jul 27, 2016)

Xenote, I just don't know if I can do that to another when I was at my worst myself.

For the record, I was just out of a relationship with a girl who I am pretty sure was a cluster B. 100% her fault. I was absolutely perfect to her. I told this girl we're discussing, whatever you do dont do the lies with the other guys thing. She did exactly that. But she asked me don't be an angry drunk and I failed on that.

I think I'm a bad picker.

It's so difficult getting unbiased advice and looking at yourself critically depending on where you post for the advice. If it were a womans forum, shed be sympathized with and vice versa. Thats why I'm here and I really appreciate the posts.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

KR100 said:


> For two years there didn't seem to be any problems apart from the mistrust.


This statement right here is proof that you did not have a real relationship. No trust = no relationship. 




KR100 said:


> I'm just trying to acknowledge my part in it and seek advice on a fair representation of what was happening. I can't talk to anyone we know because I'm embarrassed to admit she has this side to her and have always had to deal with it alone. My bad behavour everyone has seen anyway because I never made any attempt to hide it. I simply can't betray her that way despite what shes done. Thats not my style of misdemeanor.


Stop. Just stop. She is a cheater, end of story. Move on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

KR100 said:


> Thanks everyone.
> 
> Why Chaparral? Can you explain further.
> 
> ...


You loved her and you trusted her.

Which bit of that would be wrong, mate?

None of it.

She was wrong.

Look at it from a business point of view.

You have given your employee a Review.

During the review you found that your employee was really an industrial spy, working for several rival concerns.

She was stealing from the company and also taking trade secrets and sharing them with those several rival concerns.

Now, what would you do? Accept your employee's promise ("cross their heart!") never to do it ever again? And allow them to continue in your employment?

Or would you fire them immediately for gross misconduct and have them escorted from the premises?


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## KR100 (Jul 27, 2016)

TX-SC said:


> It sounds like you have broken up with her and your feet are now on solid ground. Good for you!


Thanks for the vote of confidence. It means a lot.

But everyone, why did she stick around so long. It was more like 3 years with all the start and end bits added on. I stuck around because I loved her. I can't believe she can be that good a manipulator. I feel like an idiot.

MattMatt, I was always uneasy about stuff. I'm confused now. Did I really love her because she wasn't really what she made out she was. I can't think straight, eat, sleep, do anything except walk round like a zombie.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

KR100 said:


> Thanks for the vote of confidence. It means a lot.
> 
> But everyone, why did she stick around so long. It was more like 3 years with all the start and end bits added on. I stuck around because I loved her. I can't believe she can be that good a manipulator. I feel like an idiot.


How long is that? If you think about it, not that long.

Two, maybe three birthdays, two possibly three Christmases.

Not all that long for someone who is a master manipulator to do their deeds.

She did rely on these things, your innate goodness, your love and tour trust in her.

I think you might benefit from a modest amount of counselling, Talking Therapy as they call it now.


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## KR100 (Jul 27, 2016)

Yes but I was nasty to her. I cant just pile everything on her. I treated her with huge disrespect in front of others when I was drunk. If I'm allowed me to behave like that, why cant she get behave badly in her own way and things be equal? And work from there? I'm realising shes bust but just maybe I am also. I feel like that right now. I'm guessing if she goes on to repeat it, thats telling. I know I wont.

Yes, I need to speak to someone quickly.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, women who don't "get on" with other women and have mostly men friends crave male attention and view other women as competition for it. 

They don't want other women in the room taking the male attention they could be getting. 

Such women make poor partners. 

Move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

KR100 said:


> And the fact that she finds it completely impossible to be honest. *I don't think I can fix that in her.* It's like she's got some fault in her brain.


You cannot fix anything about her. No one can fix another person.



KR100 said:


> I'm just trying to acknowledge my part in it and seek advice on a fair representation of what was happening.


 That's great, but then you say this:



KR100 said:


> I can't talk to anyone we know because I'm embarrassed to admit she has this side to her and have always had to deal with it alone. My bad behavour everyone has seen anyway because I never made any attempt to hide it. I simply can't betray her that way despite what shes done. Thats not my style of misdemeanor.


First you say you want “a fair representation of what was happening,” then you go on to say that you are hiding what she did, so people only see one side of the story. That’s not a fair representation of what was happening. It was more complex. You behaved badly, yes, that’s on you. She also behaved badly. You were reacting to her bad behavior with your own poor choices.

Getting back at her by flirting and whatever else you were doing shows poor character. Same with being an angry drunk (which is also dangerous). Who you are is not based on what someone else is doing. Who we are should not be fluid. Have a set of a values and live by them. That should not be swayed by the bad behavior of someone else. If someone is behaving badly, we set boundaries and stand firm in who we are. Rather than getting back at someone, it is better to work it out with the person or move on while maintaining integrity.
You are not betraying her. She betrayed you. You talking about what she did is fine. If she didn't want to be found out, she shouldn't have done it in the first place.



KR100 said:


> Yes but I was nasty to her. I cant just pile everything on her. I treated her with huge disrespect in front of others when I was drunk. If I'm allowed me to behave like that, why cant she get behave badly in her own way and things be equal? And work from there? I'm realising shes bust but just maybe I am also. I feel like that right now. I'm guessing if she goes on to repeat it, thats telling. I know I wont.
> 
> Yes, I need to speak to someone quickly.


No of course you shouldn’t blame it all on her, but that doesn’t sound like what you are doing. It would be better to just move on. If you are talking to someone for support, then tell them the truth of what happened both your bad behavior and hers.

It sounds like you two brought out the worst in each other. Good thing she’s gone.

Relationships are not about equality. They are about loving each other and having each other’s backs. Doing for your partner what you would want them to do for you. Forgiving and working through things. If one person is unwilling to do what is right, then moving on.

Each person wounding each other equally is foolish. It does not build relationship. It tears people down. The idea is to bring out the best in each other. If you continue to think the way you have posted here, you will never have a healthy relationship, because you’ll be too busy getting back at someone rather than working through issues in a loving manner and moving forward like a team.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There IS no relationship unless BOTH of you are willing to be 100% transparent and best friends.

Anything less than that, and you will end up apart. 

Communication is THE key to a happy relationship; if either of you is withholding, it WILL catch up with you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

OP, do these texts lead to anything? Does she see any of these people? Are there any blocks of absences that are unexplained? Have you met any of these people?

Just trying to understand other people? How old are the two of you?


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## KR100 (Jul 27, 2016)

The transcript of the messages I retained are on the companies messaging service and they did not suggest escalation to anything physical. But they are enough to be very damaging for the girlfriends and wives and the men concerned. I have the email addresses and it wouldnt be difficult to find their partners contact details. I know there was at least one other person but who knows how far things went. Does it matter now? I think the company would be concerned with the content of the messages and have an moral obligation to address it and the frequency of them because its very unproductive.

The guys involved are I think around the office so I guess she sees them but I havent met them. Theyre just opportunists with poor morals preying on someone who needs guidance, not manipulation. I pity them really.

The advice from her only real female friend who is a bit of an angry feminist type was to carry on as she was and that she was doing nothing wrong. I agree with lifeistooshort and think the competition element isnt there from my ex girlfriend to the friend, hence the friendship. The ex is pretty attractive. But it is there the other way round, so I think the friend had her own axe to grind and used the situation to prove a point considering her views and outlook. Otherwise, the advice would have been sort yourself out first.

Just very sad. We both said and did things that pushed each other to the limits and questioned each others integrity to the core because we both wouldnt budge. I dont think I was unreasonable for me not to budge.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

The relationship is over, right? But you are sad about it, wondering if it could be put back together?

I think it would be best to firmly close the door on that. It does not sound like she wants it, anyway.

I think she stayed around 3 years because she was hoping it could work, too. If she had not seen something in you she liked, I think she would have left sooner, of her own accord.

What you really want to focus on, though, and surely will in counseling, is your own issues. Why you are attracted to women who are not more honest and open with you. Why you are not open and honest with them when you are upset with them. Why you turn to alcohol to cope. Why you likely engage in passive aggressive behavior. Why you react instead of behave proactively. Why you want to be with a much younger woman instead of one with your level of life experience.

You seem very hurt that she was willing to leave instead of fight for the relationship. In time you may be grateful that she left, as it seems to be motivating you to examine your own issues. Owning your own attitudes and behavior can do much to improve your life.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Humpty Dumpty. This relationship is too badly fractured to make whole. Sometimes in life there just is no fix. For 3 years all the Kings horses and all the Kings men and you have labored and to what avail? Be warned that 3 years turns into 30 much more quickly than you may realize. Is this truly the lost life you are remorsing for?

No children are involved and no vows and rings have been exchanged, the answer is clear, not easy but clear. Consider this a part of your post graduate education and learn from it. Make yourself a better person and bring more to your next relationship. Good fortune to you.


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## KR100 (Jul 27, 2016)

Agreed. Thanks.


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