# Married to Blamer/negative person



## lookingforhappiness

Hi There,

Im new to this forum and its actually the only forum I have ever joined. I feel like I need to talk about whats going on in my marriage but I cant talk to family and friends. 

I have been married for 5 years to a wonderful man. Our problem?.. we work together and have been running a business for the last 3 years. Our marriage came along pretty quickly. I went from being independent, single, successful & self employed to a few months later being married. At first I was happy. He's from another country and moved to the states to be with me and get married. He is very driven, independent and self sufficient but that did not change the fact that he did not speak the language and i had to help him with everything. I pretty much couldnt leave his side for the first few years because he clung on to me for dear life. He has gotten more independent with time but in the process I feel like I completely lost myself. I used to be so happy. I felt free and alive. I travelled whenever I wanted, went out with friends.

He wanted to start a business and I dropped my own business to help him with his becauuse I thought we would be a good team together. Wrong! Its been 3 years now and I feel like I still cannot walk away. It has caused so many arguments and caused so much harm to the point that I dont want to be near him. Any little thing that happens, issues that arise, obstacles in our business he gets so upset and always finds some way to blame it on me. When I try to be positive and help him look on the bright side he mocks my positivity. I end up absorbing all of his negative crap and im just so tired. I feel drained and overwhelmed. We are opening up a Brick and Mortar retail spot and matters have only gotten worse. Its been super stressful dealing with all the logistics pretty much on my own and on top of it I have to deal with his anxiety and blaming when something goes wrong and have to calm him down. Our whole life has turned into business. Our sex life is gone, we never do anything together anymore. Most of the time we arent speaking to eachother and are angry and bitter. 

I will eventually step away from our business and continue with mine and I know that will change things but im afraid that the damage is already done.

Has anybody gone through something similar? 
Blaming/negative husband?


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## MattMatt

Counselling would be an option to consider?


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## She'sStillGotIt

You had to marry him in order to keep him in your country? That's what it sounds like. Did you have to sponsor him or are you now 'responsible' for him for the next 10 years?

Your situation sounds as though you had a completely *dependent* child foisted on you and you had to literally raise him these last few years. That's about the biggest passion killer I can think of.



> Our sex life is gone, we never do anything together anymore. Most of the time we arent speaking to eachother and are angry and bitter.


I'm not surprised at all. Personally, I think you've done your job and it's time to let 'junior' go out into the world and make it on his own.


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## TJW

lookingforhappiness said:


> I have been married for 5 years to a wonderful man.


Ok........so.....



lookingforhappiness said:


> he gets so upset and always finds some way to blame it on me.
> When I try to be positive and help him look on the bright side he mocks my positivity.
> I end up absorbing all of his negative crap and im just so tired.
> Blaming/negative husband?


What's "wonderful" about him ?

Some years ago, I married a woman who had lied and "spun" her past to me. I should have been wiser, and paid attention to the "red flags"..... and, I should have NEVER ALLOWED her to be part of my business, which was already successful. She was a DISASTER ON WHEELS when it came to business....

The only way I could make this work, going forward, was to REMOVE her from all of my business. 

I agree with @She'sStillGotIt, who usually does still got it..... go get yourself your own job. You two are not a "team" at all. You're the mommy, and he's a little boy. Neither of these work in a marriage. As to his business, let him succeed or fail by his own means. No input from you.



lookingforhappiness said:


> He is very driven, independent and self sufficient
> _*I pretty much couldnt leave his side *_for the first few years because he clung on to me for dear life......


Do you see what I'm trying to point out to you? You are contributing to this. You're behaving as a "codependent". You are an "enabler" - your husband feels that he cannot exist without you, and it is doing psychological damage to him. Blaming you for his mishaps are the way he "props himself up" and avoids looking at his own failures. With you gone, he will have no choice but to learn how to run his business, get a job, etc..... and, it is this that your husband needs. He needs to be respected by his wife.

My son did this, too. He married a girl who spoke very little english, my son was an adult-learned bilingual who took over all the speaking assignments. Though they had no children, this girl did not get a job for 11 years. My son passed away 2 years ago, they had been married 21 years, her english was understandable but not yet fluent. Her english education had been given by my son, who spoke Spanglish. His business failed immediately with her running it, after his death. She just had no experience, even though married to him for two decades.

This is robbing you of your life.....



lookingforhappiness said:


> in the process I feel like I completely lost myself


Leave him to his own business, and begin to operate your business independently of him. Get your life back. Then, your marriage will have a chance.

The damage is not "already done". And, the damage will stop when you do. You will regain a sense of yourself, and so will your husband.

I regained myself when I stopped trying to employ my wife. Within 6 months, I was my own man again. My son, unfortunately, never stopped.


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## lookingforhappiness

Defintely.


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## lookingforhappiness

I should have clarified. We did have to marry in order for him to stay in the country but I was very much in love with him. We had known eachother since we were young (20 years old) and then lost contact for 10 years and were reunited and married a few months later. He was very dependent since he didn't speak the language and is still learning. We went from being so happy and so close to having the worst, ugliest fights and being so disconnected from eachother. It was pretty crazy how quickly everything changed. And yes, youre right, its time to back away and have my own life again. I got so lost in it that I forgot what it was like to take care of myself and focus on me for a change.


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## lookingforhappiness

Yes! You could not be more right! A few months ago I left to go work in another state and it was the first time that he was on his own and he was forced to do things by himself. Me leaving didn't help our marriage but he became more independent and told me that he felt more sure about himself when I wasn't there and he was able to advance much more when im not around. He hated having to need me and wanted so badly to be independent. He overall felt better about himself. I had a chat with him last night and I told him that come July I will be out of the business. I just had to make the decision and be happy with it. I know that once I have my own life, business, our relationship is going to change for the better! 


Thank you so much for your response it was very helpful! Im sorry to hear about your son .


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## TJW

lookingforhappiness said:


> Thank you so much for your response it was very helpful! Im sorry to hear about your son .


Thank you. At the end of his life, he was suffering badly. His lungs and heart were damaged by chemotherapy and radiation when he was 17 and had Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He was given a 26-year remission by a doctor skillful and compassionate beyond his peers. And, relief from an awful existence by a merciful God. His provision for life, His provision for death.

I'm glad you made the decision you did. I think you will see dramatic improvement in your marriage and loving relationship with your husband. You may see improvement from the decision alone. Go ahead and focus on you starting today.....and encourage your husband that you believe in him.....and have confidence that he will be just fine without you.

He is a blessed man, indeed, to have you for his loving wife and life's companion. May God give you many years of enjoying each other and successful pursuits of your independent paths.


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## SunCMars

'He ain't heavy he is my brother'.

You married a man, not your brother.

Blissful thoughts, wishful sentiment.

Carry no one, save a child to eighteen.


www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYzfTdIZoP0





[THM]- The Typist I


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## TJW

SunCMars said:


> Carry no one, save a child to eighteen.


This is wisdom. The Typist has inquired of good literature and anecdotes.


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