# Facebook to catch a possible cheater!!



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

I appreciate those of you who read this thread. I was engaged to a man me 27 3 kids, and him 32 3 kids, then we have one together. Needless to say look at my other threads to see the demise. I recently asked him to move up to his town. He wanted me to do this and I had said no since didn't know for sure. Well there has been only 1 day spent together since, and we have had multiple phone conversations some good some bad. The bad ones are due mostly to me getting upset. I want more than a phone conversation relationship I need real time being spent as well. Honestly when I felt like he wasn't listening I would lash out and say mean cruel things. Which only aided in him not wanting to be around. Not how I really felt just wanted him to hurt also. I know not right now the truth. Well needless to say he told me he cared about me more than he has cared about anyone, but he was scared and unsure. Said that he wasn't ready to give me what I needed. Ok! then he called me last week to talk about something dealing with our son. I said ok to it. Well that wasn't good enough he wished I had said "yes I trust you in regards to this". Said that, "He had hoped I would say something like we were still in a relationship". Well my thinking was just say ok because I didn't necessarily agree with it, but didn't want to cause a fight. And then I thought why would I respond like someone in a relationship when it is not clear you want one with me. I know he is hurt because of the things I have said, and I am hurt due to lack of time invested. We are both busy, kids, work, school, different towns. 

I just want to know what I can do in order to get this relationship back on track? 
Is there something I can say or do in order to let him know I am sorry for my actions and want to work on this? He has stated many times that he wanted to work on this just unsure now.
Is there something we can both do in order to improve our communication? It is really broken and neither partner feels heard? 

Please no negative remarks. I am really trying to make an honest effort here.



UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So it has been awhile and a lot has taken place. So long story short I took a leave of absence with my son's father since things were not going well and I wasn't feeling respected. I didn't have any contact with him for about 2 1/2 weeks, he didn't see son or me. He would call /text and I was just mia. I needed to think reevaluate and just be alone. Well for about the last week or so we have been speaking. He told me he feels badly for leaving me the way he did back in August and would like to start on things with us again. He wants to try and repair "US". Sounds wonderful I am on board. I have to admit there is still some pain there on both sides. However I am committed to making this work with him. I know that time needs to pass and positive experiences need to be created. Well he is suppose to come down here on friday in order to spend time. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I will say this we are not officially back together but working on things. Well since him leaving I have questioned a lot of things. 

Here is the kicker....I am sure I will bashed for this. ((((I have never dealt with infidelity with this person, it was never an issue))))). Well since we haven't had sex in about 4 months, and not even had any physical affection I decided to see. I created a fake facebook page and acted like someone who goes to his school to see if he would take the bait. Well he has. He told her/me he would like to get to know me better. That her/me sounded sweet. He hasn't flirted and I just mainly wanted to poke the bear to see what he would do. This is still ongoing and i want to know where to see how far he will take it. Like I stated before we are not technically together, but both want to work on things. His idea! So that to me means being committed to making it work not allow outside situations to come in. Right?



Update!!!!!!!!!

So needing your advice again please. So as you know I hadn't spoken to son's father. Told him if he wants to speak with me must be in front of a third party period. Well he said he would find one. That has been our only communication besides him sending me messages. That I never respond to. Well on saturday this last week I get this email: 
Mari I miss you. Now before you roll your eyes, laugh, and make a smartassed comment to yourself, allow me to explain. I remember about this time last year we were a family. Around this time last year myself and the girls had woke up and decided to make mama a garden. As we raked, shoveled, and got dirty, I remember how happy I was to have a glimpse of what my future was going to be like. Six months before in one of many of our long conversations we talked about activities like that and how great it would be and at that moment I was living it. You know I always wanted that...for them, for me, for you. I felt like everyone of us deserved that. Each one of those kids were put into the least ideal situation that they didn't choose, and in a way so had we. It was just up to us to break the cycle that even we had experienced at their age. And at that moment it was broken, we had succeeded. At that moment our kids were going to grow up in a two parent household full of love, support, understanding, and committment. All elements that were required for it to work. Along this process kids cried, got tired, had fun, laughed, played, got wet and dirty, but they were all happy. And even though you were about at half way point through a pregnancy so were you. As you glared down from the upstairs window like a creepy old lady, I could see your big beautiful smile and gorgeous laugh as we busied ourselves making what we thought was the most endearing garden in the world at that time. Though at the end that garden was not the most estatically beautiful piece of scenery you could of hoped for, it was built by our family. Every little hand and foot created that garden. The seeds were planted by A and K, rocks were placed, cleaned and organized by J and C, and my sad little fence was erected by my good intent and love... I just wanted you to know that I not only remembered but it means something. So when you look down at the garden that was built for you, know that it was built by your family, your legacy. I don't know what else to say other than I miss you.

So I never respond to it at all. Well fast forward to yesterday on Tuesday at work I get a package and I don't know where it's from. It's a dozen chocolate covered strawberries. The note reads: "...you do matter. you deserve more than you were shown. I hope you know that I love you, then now, and forever. W

What the heck I have had no contact with this man at all. He supposedly is/was dating someone. I have moved on now. I had a guy I know out that has been eyeing for awhile ask me out, just wanted to make for sure I wasn't involved. He's older more established. I finally said yes, we have our first date on Saturday. Mind you my son's father knows nothing of this. 

Why am I getting this message. I wished I could believe him but he made his own bed. I gave him every opportunity. Besides I don't even know if the email and strawberries is all part of a game. I completely went mia on him. I want nothing to do with him. Hasn't he done enough? What is with this?


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

A difficult one, but if you are going to these lengths perhaps you don't respect each other to commit to a relationship in any case.

The fact you have "tested" him and that he has clearly "failed" speaks volumes on both fronts - firstly that you would want to "test" him and secondly that he looks prepared to chase other women.

Maybe it's chicken and egg, but if you don't mind me saying neither of you seem prepared for a proper relationship. I am sorry there are children involved but maybe you should move on now before it gets real messy later?


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

If you're not together you are in competition with any interested parties.


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

Ovid- Don't you think it is still cheating if you are both trying to work on the relationship with each other? Mind you he approached me about it. Trying to fix broken communication and whatnot. How can you be committed to working on things if you are allowing other people in?


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I don't understand why you are asking; it seems that, with respect, you already know the answer?

You know he is open to other relationships right now. You have proved it.


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

Can you tell me from a man's perspective why you would ask a woman to work on things with you, but still be open to other people? Is this just a man thing?


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

1lostintranslation said:


> Can you tell me from a man's perspective why you would ask a woman to work on things with you, but still be open to other people? Is this just a man thing?


It's not an a man or woman thing. If you're not together then some people will see that as meaning they are free to date even if they want to work on a relationship they had. It's him/her considering all options.

If you agree you're in a relationship, and that it's exclusive and the other person is still open to other options then they are a cheat.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

1lostintranslation said:


> Can you tell me from a man's perspective why you would ask a woman to work on things with you, but still be open to other people? Is this just a man thing?


Women cheat too you know?

If this bothers you then ask him about boundaries. Perhaps he thinks your relationship is not yet exclusive.

Have you asked him what his thoughts are on the area?


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

We have talked about it, but I didn't give that specific example because didn't want to give the situation away. How can you successfully work on something with someone if you are ok with other people being around?What I did ask him is if he had slept with anyone since me, he answered "No"! I also asked have you talked to any other women since me, and he answered "Not with interest". 
Well when I was playing the part of the FB girl he clearly stated, "You seem sweet would like to get to know you better". Is that not interest?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Maybe there's a misunderstanding on what it means to be "working on things"? I can't build an actual timeline from your post, but you were never married, you've been "separated" (were you ever "together" physically?) for awhile, you've had periods of no contact... Maybe it's time for rule setting discussion, without bringing up the fake FB contact. If he agrees to the "no seeing other people" rule but continues talking to "her", THEN you have an issue. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Depends on what he considers "with interest" being to know if he was lying or not.


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

PBear said:


> Maybe there's a misunderstanding on what it means to be "working on things"? I can't build an actual timeline from your post, but you were never married, you've been "separated" (were you ever "together" physically?) for awhile, you've had periods of no contact... Maybe it's time for rule setting discussion, without bringing up the fake FB contact. If he agrees to the "no seeing other people" rule but continues talking to "her", THEN you have an issue.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

You do not have defined terms, and you are getting upset with him for breaking rules the two of you have not discussed/agreed on.


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Until you agree to something, you're basically getting mad at him for leaving the toilet seat up at his house aven though you're not there to fall in.


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

Well we were together lived together, were engaged, broke the engagement, have a child together, he moved out in Aug 2012, lives an hour away, we see each other when exchanging our child, haven't slept together since Dec 2012, haven't been on a date since Nov 2012. He approached me last week wanting to work on fixing things so we can be together. Said it was never a matter of love, all the components are there for this to work, we just had too much on our plates. I just feel like if this were the case why would you entertain another person?
How can I approach boundaries since we aren't together without coming off as controlling? Especially since we aren't technically together? Is it right to have exclusivity in just talking?


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

It sounds to me like he is hedging his bets. It doesn't sound like cheating to me at all.

It's between the 2 of you as to what is acceptable in terms of other people or not. You have to talk to him about it. No need to raise the Facebook thing.


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

1lostintranslation said:


> Well we were together lived together, were engaged, broke the engagement, have a child together, he moved out in Aug 2012, lives an hour away, we see each other when exchanging our child, haven't slept together since Dec 2012, haven't been on a date since Nov 2012. He approached me last week wanting to work on fixing things so we can be together. Said it was never a matter of love, all the components are there for this to work, we just had too much on our plates. I just feel like if this were the case why would you entertain another person?
> How can I approach boundaries since we aren't together without coming off as controlling? Especially since we aren't technically together? Is it right to have exclusivity in just talking?


Controlling is you telling him what his boundaries are. 

Talking to him and finding terms you agree on is healthy and should be expected in any relationship.


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> It sounds to me like he is hedging his bets. It doesn't sound like cheating to me at all.
> 
> It's between the 2 of you as to what is acceptable in terms of other people or not. You have to talk to him about it. No need to raise the Facebook thing.


The facebook thing will make you look controlling.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If you can't have a healthy discussion about boundaries and expectations, your relationship is in a lot more trouble than you realize. You're assuming he's going to have exactly the same understandings and beliefs as you do. Stop assuming and discuss. 

As far as him "cheating"... You're assuming exclusivity, and apparently he's not. So in your mind, he's cheating. In his mind, he isn't. I'd agree with him, in this case. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

Call me silly...what is hedging his bets? How can you claim to love someone and want to be with them, but entertaining other women?


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

I guess I feel like if you care and love someone and are truly committed to working on your relationship that is exclusive. Otherwise you are not giving the relationship a fair shot. Isn't it unfair then to tell me you want to work on things but you are still entertaining other women?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Again, you're making assumptions...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

1lostintranslation said:


> I guess I feel like if you care and love someone and are truly committed to working on your relationship that is exclusive. Otherwise you are not giving the relationship a fair shot. Isn't it unfair then to tell me you want to work on things but you are still entertaining other women?


It sounds to me as though you are in different places in the relationship. From a brief look at the titles of your earlier posts, it looks like your ex partner grew away from you first and that would suggest that he will come back last - if at all.

He is possibly not certain that this will work out.

I can't help thinking that you really, really, need to talk to him about all of these things but I can't help feeling that he will see this as you pushing things too early.

Only this gentleman can really help you with this predicament as only he knows his intentions and level of commitment.

Please, stop torturing yourself and either stop testing him or wait for things to get a little better then start to raise what your boundaries are.


----------



## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

> I just feel like if this were the case why would you entertain another person?





> How can I approach boundaries since we aren't together without coming off as controlling? Especially since we aren't technically together?


Lost - You can't even decide whether he should be "with" you or not. You think he should be working on your relationship and not talking to other women and yet you worry about coming off as controlling since you aren't together. Which is it? Are you exclusively together or not? If you aren't even sure yourself, then there is obviously a lot of room for interpretation here.

If you aren't willing to have the exclusivity talk, then I think it's unfair to entrap him and call him a cheater. He might be wanting to commit to you but since you have been MIA for weeks, he's keeping his options open. That's not totally unreasonable on his part.

If you have the talk and he still chats with the "other" woman, then you have an issue.


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

@ PBear I do consider it cheating. While pretending to be this other woman. I asked him out for drinks, and he asked me to tell him a little more about myself. Then said he wanted to get to know me better. 

@ Chris989 I really want to talk to him about these things like boundaries. But one thing we agreed upon was we needed to fix the foundational issues and start slow. He already feels like I want too much too soon and the last thing I want to do is push him away. You said he will come back last if at all....what do you mean by that? He stated he wanted to work on things...why say that then?

By the way I am appreciating all of you folks advice thus far


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

1lost, by the fact that you are trying to "catch him cheating" on Facebook and he clearly is not doing that to you, he is not as keen on this relationship as you are.

You are doing precisely what he fears - expecting too much, too soon.

It may not seem fair or right, but that is how it is. I don't wish to be unkind as I can see you are hoping that you two can be together again. I really hope it works out for you, but I think you are in danger of pushing it too quickly with him and that will not work out well for either of you.

If you want the advice of a divorced 44 year old man who had no relationship longer than 3 months before his marriage of 23 years, then focus on getting him to a place where he is asking you if you are exclusive, not in a place where you are testing a boundary you haven't even set!

Again, I really hope it works for you and my heart does go out to you on this.


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

Well the issue I have with it is I focus on one person at a time. Given our history. I am exclusive with him. I don't talk to any other men in that fashion. I just feel lied to I asked yesterday if since we have been together has he talked to any other women, and he stated, "no not with interest". Well him asking another woman about herself, and saying that he wants to get to know her....is interest and intent. 
One of our biggest issues is communication. I want to clearly know his intent and commitment with me in order for me to go back to being carefree again.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I think we can see the issue that you have and you are in an uncomfortable position, but for the life of me I can't see how you can resolve this without letting the (your) relationship develop further.

You have a possible proof that he might be open to pursuing a friendship with another woman. You don't know how far that would go and you cannot disclose this fact to him.

I am guessing this can't be a deal breaker for you and, to be fair to him, it would seem harsh of you to judge him harshly for what he has thus far done.


----------



## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

1lostintranslation said:


> Well the issue I have with it is I focus on one person at a time. Given our history. I am exclusive with him. I don't talk to any other men in that fashion. I just feel lied to I asked yesterday if since we have been together has he talked to any other women, and he stated, "no not with interest". Well him asking another woman about herself, and saying that he wants to get to know her....is interest and intent.
> One of our biggest issues is communication. I want to clearly know his intent and commitment with me in order for me to go back to being carefree again.


All your statements are "I.." I feel, I think, I ...

Why don't you tell him what you want, what you expect, what you would like to have with, and under what conditions. 

Why are you so adverse to clear, plain communication? You are wasting too much brain time on hypotheticals, when you haven't clearly articulated actuals with this guy.


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

@Chris989 expecting too much too soon? I don't want to invest in someone who has hurt me and I don't know where it is going with him. How do I get him to question me being exclusive. If you are not fully investing then why would he be contacting to work on things and get back together? He told me he hoped for the opportunity again, and has been trying to do things that show me he has improved. Like calling on a regular basis & being consistent. How do I not want too much too soon when there has been nothing no action for so long. How quick is too quick? Not as keen on the relationship as I am....he came to me though? Why do some men have to be so nonchalant.


----------



## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

1lostintranslation said:


> @Chris989 expecting too much too soon? I don't want to invest in someone who has hurt me and I don't know where it is going with him. How do I get him to question me being exclusive. If you are not fully investing then why would he be contacting to work on things and get back together? He told me he hoped for the opportunity again, and has been trying to do things that show me he has improved. Like calling on a regular basis & being consistent. How do I not want too much too soon when there has been nothing no action for so long. How quick is too quick? Not as keen on the relationship as I am....he came to me though? Why do some men have to be so nonchalant.


The only answer people have for you here, unless it's a matter of infidelity (which it's not), is communicate clearly. No one wants to do the passive aggressive boogie, play guess what I am thinking, or why didn't you read my mind!

I guarantee you will advance your relationship, or at least the understanding between the two of you if you will write down your thoughts, organize them, then communicate to this man clearly. There is no relating with out communication, there may be proximity but its not equivalent.


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

@Carolinadreams you are right. That is one of the issues I had in our relationship. I expected him to do the things he did in the beginning, everything was perfect. I felt like I didn't have to tell him then, why should I have to tell him now. He tells me that he needs direction. I can say even though it has been a week I have seen some improvements. Like for instance he hasn't been around me (besides exchanges for son) since New Years. I had asked repeatedly for him to do things with me and he refused. Now since he has tried to improve and had this ephiphany (and I had to ask again) now he wants to come down on friday. I told him it takes the luster out of it since I had to ask. And he told me that it doesn't improve our communication. I explained that I need face time with him, that helps me to relax and feel comfortable with a person. 

But you are right I have an issue with communicating what I want...I have done that at times and been rejected by him. It takes me back to August when I felt ultimately rejected when he walked out on me when I was pregnant with our son. I guess I just don't want to feel rejected again.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

This is my point, 1lost. He walked out on you. You are hoping that he comes back. He clearly isn't as invested as you are.

By the way, some women do the same thing. Whatever he is doing, I can guarantee it has nothing to do with him being a man.

As others have commented, however and as you have identified yourself, this is about communication.

You both want something. Maybe it's the same thing. The best thing for the two of you right now would be to get in a room together and, cards on the table, say what you both want.

I get the sense, however, that he will run a mile if you suggest this and I rather think that this is the root of the current issue.


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

He has told me he wants the opportunity of us being together. He approached me on this topic. That he wants "US" to work on things, and has been trying to do things differently. Said he wants to wow me, and prove it to me. 

You honestly think he would run if I mentioned working on things exclusively? Is that wrong of me to want some sort of idea of this being solid? 

In your opinion then how do I communicate what I want without making him scared? 

Yes I am hoping he comes back in the sense of having a committed relationship again. You think he is not as invested, but he contacted me? How do I help to change his commitment level?


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

1lost, if I gave ideas they would be just that. I am no expert in these matters and I have never been in a situation like yours.

As a general rule, however, communication is where it all starts and ends. Talk to him. Do it in a 'what do you want right now and what do you hope for' kind of way.

Find out what he wants and let him know what you want. If there's enough common ground then perhaps you have a future.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You set up a sting with a man who you had absolutely no reason to suspect of cheating. And he hasn't cheated, as far as I can tell. He has responded to a feeler after being separate from you for many months. And you are not man and wife.

So, yes, he has told you that he wants to perhaps try again, but you are sabotaging that before it can begin by 'testing' him. 

I think you are the one with the boundaries issues - you are lying to him about this and essentially hitting him with the famous 'when did you stop beating your wife' question. It's a losing proposition all around.

I think this is very poorly done. A good relationship should be based on trust. You have decided that because he expressed 'interest' that you can't trust him. I think he can't trust you at all.


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

I appreciate all of you responding. The moving out and then him lying about how/when he decided to move really was a hit to the trust in the relationship. He has since told me that he wants to "wow" me, and "prove" to me that he can do what he says he's going to do in the relationship. He contacted "Me" in regards to this, not the other way around. Like I stated before I feel like if you are going to work on things with a person then you should thrust yourself into that. Especially when I specifically asked him have you slept with or talked to any other women and his answer was, "NO!"

So update:: Last night we are talking on the phone and the conversation is going great. He then wants to talk about how we can improve things, and that he is skidish that he might not live up to my expectations and disappoint me. I ask him what I can do to help him. Well all the while he is emailing the other girl/me on FB. He tells her "I didn't forget about you, How are you?", So her/me responds by asking about us getting together but wanted to know if he was involved his response, "I'm sorry I don't think I even mentioned that I'm seeing someone. It really just kinda of started but the relationship is not at that stage yet. I don't know how you feel about that but I would like to meet you though but I understand if you don't want to step on toes...I mean we're just talking right?"

What can I do in order to stop him wanting to talk with other girls? Mind you I am quite aware that I am setting him up and never had to worry about cheating in the past. But wanted to know if I can start to trust him again partly because he is an hour away.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is a man who moved out without telling you he was going to do it, leaving you, his pregnant fiancé. IMO he’s not a trustworthy person. Unless he and/or his children were being abused, sneaking to move out is the sign of a person who cannot be trusted. He has also not been very good to you during this separation.
Right now the two of you only have a half-baked agreement on getting back together. He wants to come stay with you for a few days to get reconciliation on track. This to me means he’s looking for sex.
Your live and relationship were messed up by the two of you putting sex before other thing, like building a strong relationship. This is why you have a child by him.
He is talking to other women, because he’s doing what I call opening up opportunities. He’s seeing if something with you will work out. He’s open to dating others. Then he has choices. It’s like a person who interviews with a lot of employers and then waits for a few job offers to come in so that he can choose the best offer. This job hunter can also use one offer to bargain with a competing employer.

If you are really considering trying this relationship again, discuss exclusivity with him. Tell him that you need an agreement from him that you will be the only woman he is seeing while the two of you work on your relationship. If he does not agree to this, then don’t let him back into your life. It sounds like you could not handle him having others in his life and you want some kind of commitment. That’s reasonable. So tell him. Do not just assume, talk about it.

On the other hand, if you do not want to try again with him it makes sense. He’s not been very reliable or very good to you. It’s not clear that he has earned your trust or that you should put yourself out there for someone who has not been good to you in the past.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

1lostintranslation said:


> I appreciate all of you responding. The moving out and then him lying about how/when he decided to move really was a hit to the trust in the relationship. He has since told me that he wants to "wow" me, and "prove" to me that he can do what he says he's going to do in the relationship. He contacted "Me" in regards to this, not the other way around. Like I stated before I feel like if you are going to work on things with a person then you should thrust yourself into that. Especially when I specifically asked him have you slept with or talked to any other women and his answer was, "NO!"
> 
> So update:: Last night we are talking on the phone and the conversation is going great. He then wants to talk about how we can improve things, and that he is skidish that he might not live up to my expectations and disappoint me. I ask him what I can do to help him. Well all the while he is emailing the other girl/me on FB. He tells her "I didn't forget about you, How are you?", So her/me responds by asking about us getting together but wanted to know if he was involved his response, "I'm sorry I don't think I even mentioned that I'm seeing someone. It really just kinda of started but the relationship is not at that stage yet. I don't know how you feel about that but I would like to meet you though but I understand if you don't want to step on toes...I mean we're just talking right?"
> 
> What can I do in order to stop him wanting to talk with other girls? Mind you I am quite aware that I am setting him up and never had to worry about cheating in the past. But wanted to know if I can start to trust him again partly because he is an hour away.


With his history of lying and sneaking out when he left you... I too would be worried about trusting this guy. Have a talk with him about being exclusive for a period of 3-6 months while the two of you work out your relationship. This is a reasonable thing to ask.

The you can chat with him as that fake identity and see if he still wants to meet her if he agrees to be exclusive with you.

Personally, him chating with her while he's talking to you would be enough for me to never want to see him again.


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

Elegirl: He is coming down today just to take us out for dinner, not to be over for the weekend. I explained to him about some of his things that were done it broke my trust. Because of this he has to deal with the consequences of his actions. He told me he wants to prove to me that he can. He talked to some people at his church and they agreed with me that what he did was wrong. He told me that him hearing from another person made him really think hard about it. So he finally made a SINCERE apology just over a week ago. Said he is going to do what he says he is going to do, and I have seen a new found patience with him. I will make it a point to talk to him tonight about really investing on working on this? I just don't want to invest in it if his commitment doesn't match mine, or I don't know where this is going. I think that would be foolish of me to do? Just why lie if I asked you about sleeping with or talking to other girls...you answer is no?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Again, be clear about what you're asking or hearing. When you asked if he was talking to other girls, he said "not with interest" or something like that. That's not "NO!", as you seem to interpret it. That's "yes, but not seriously" (my interpretation). So ask him what does his response mean. Stop assuming he's on the same page as you. Spell out your boundaries. 

Sure, it would be great if everyone we dealt with was on the same wavelength as us. But that's fantasy, not reality. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

You are right about the boundaries PBear. Do you think however that will scare him off by approaching the subject of being exclusive while we work on things? If that is what he wants? I don't want competition and don't feel that if you want to be with a person you would.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

1lostintranslation said:


> Elegirl: He is coming down today just to take us out for dinner, not to be over for the weekend. I explained to him about some of his things that were done it broke my trust. Because of this he has to deal with the consequences of his actions. He told me he wants to prove to me that he can. He talked to some people at his church and they agreed with me that what he did was wrong. He told me that him hearing from another person made him really think hard about it. So he finally made a SINCERE apology just over a week ago. Said he is going to do what he says he is going to do, and I have seen a new found patience with him. I will make it a point to talk to him tonight about really investing on working on this? I just don't want to invest in it if his commitment doesn't match mine, or I don't know where this is going. I think that would be foolish of me to do? Just why lie if I asked you about sleeping with or talking to other girls...you answer is no?


I agree with others. He did not lie about talking to others. He said that he did not talk to them 'with interest'. That means that he has and is talking to other women.

If you want to know what 'with interest' means to him ask him. It could mean with no interest to meet up with them; or with no interest in dating; is could mean that has no interest is sex with them but will date them; or it can mean he will do everything else but has no interest in a long term relationship with any other woman. 

What he has done during your separation is not really of importance as he has promised you nothing. What matters is what he does now, if he gives you a promise of exclusivity.

The reason that, if I were you, I’d be very upset about him talking to you about reconciliation and him chatting up another woman at the same time is not that he promised not to talk to or see another woman because he has not. It’s because it shows that he was not really committed to what he was talking to you about. He’s working 2 angles while he’s trying to talk you into trying to reconcile with him. Exactly how serious is a person who is multi-tasking women at the same time? To me not serious enough for a relationship. 

But if you want to try to fix this relationship I can understand it. You have a child with him. You want some stability in your life and in your children’s life.

So my suggestion is again: Talk to him. Tell him that you need a solid commitment from him to work on your relationship. You want exclusivity because if one or both of you have one foot outside of this it will never work. You two are way beyond anything casual. You were engaged. You have a child. This is not a game. So ask him to promise exclusivity and you will as well. If he won’t do this then all you promise is casual dating or nothing at all. Casual dating means no stay overs at your place with your kids there. It probably should mean no sex as hard as that will be.

If he promises exclusivity, as him to work through the book “His Needs, Her Needs” with you. This book will help the two of you put your relationship back together in a healthy way. 

Marriagebuilders.com also has good books for engaged couples. Look at those as well. 

Ask him to make that sort of commitment to you and your relationship.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Look at it this way... If you DON'T talk to him, your reconciliation is going to fail anyway because you won't be able to trust him, and he's likely to keep "talking without interest" to FB girl and possibly others. So what do you have to lose? Either you work at building a relationship that fits in your boundaries or you don't waste time trying to reconcile with someone who doesn't want what you want. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

I agree we do need to sit down and have a conversation about boundaries on all of this. Reconciliation is going to fail if we don't. 

Elegirl: I have read the book His needs her needs and totally agree we should look at it together. 

I just am really struggling with having the commitment there on his end even though he was the one to approach me about it. I am all for the commitment and it has never been an issue for me.


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

So we didn't get to that conversation last night. Had other issues come up. So he continued to talk to the other girl/me on FB. Told her he has a great relationship with his exwife. Told her about his 3 kids, and said that he questions whether or not (our child) is his. His words, "Maury, Maury, Maury". Wow I can't believe him at all! So the "real" me asked him this morning if he questions his son, and he told me, "Nope". I asked him to tell me what he really thinks of me, "Said that he thinks I am a beautiful person and that lately I have shown a unattractive side." I let him know that I despise lying and don't appreciate it and that is exactly what he is doing!


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

But you are lying, too. In a very big way. What seems to be lost in this thread is what you are doing. What you are discovering, in my opinion, is that both of you have trust and honesty issues in this relationship.

Every time you feel like you need to question him will you create a fake persona to test him? I can see that he has things to apologize for and to make right, but your trap is not the answer, in my opinion. And it's addictive. I don't think you will be able to stop 'checking on' him in this way. Ever.

There shouldn't be secrets in a marriage and a spouse has every right to do some checking if there are questions about fidelity, but that is not what this is.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

You are slowly (well quite quickly really) destroying whatever relationship you have with this man.

Either have an honest discussion or finish it. You are torturing yourself.


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

@Alte dame. 
You are right I am being dishonest here. This situation being walked out on while pregnant & emotionally left destroyed me at the core. 

What could I do to get him to apologize???? He apologizes but seems never sincere. He'll say sorry unsolicited, but when upset or I say something he reverts back to what he initially thought. Things being my fault or I willed things this way!!!!! Which one is it? Which one of you is being honest. I have to assume that the actions are his truth..right?

So why lead me on? Why not tell the truth? Why want to work on things then less than a week later he back peddles. Then on top of that questioning the validity of my son with a stranger???? That was huge. Sad part is after all this.....I still care!


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

1lostintranslation said:


> Well the issue I have with it is I focus on one person at a time. Given our history. I am exclusive with him. I don't talk to any other men in that fashion. I just feel lied to I asked yesterday if since we have been together has he talked to any other women, and he stated, "no not with interest". Well him asking another woman about herself, and saying that he wants to get to know her....is interest and intent.
> One of our biggest issues is communication. I want to clearly know his intent and commitment with me in order for me to go back to being carefree again.


I stopped reading the thread at this point and thought I'd kick in my $0.02. 

If he wants to work on "us" he is therefore committed. The fact he is interested in this fictitious person on fb means his "working on us" is a farce and a lie. 

He's a pig. Pure and simple. Otherwise, he'd be more upfront with this person you are pretending to be. 

As a guy who has been through the wars, he's an out and out loser.


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

Well that is the thing I think he is being more honest with "her" than me. Why contact someone as a man to fix things with a person if you are open to others. That speaks volumes to me! Why lie & text this woman while on phone with me! He doesn't truly care about me. Thinks so highly of me that he questions his validity with a complete stranger. That you claim you love. I need to figure out how to turn off my emotions!?


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You have choices as an individual and an adult. If you are the better actor here, then stop lowering yourself in your dealings with him. You are not in prison. No one is forcing you to give him another chance. If he is a duplicitous person, you don't have to be with him. You can make this determination and follow through. Yes, I know that this involves pain to your heart, but you can't sell your soul to satisfy your heart. That's a losing proposition.

At this point, you know way too much to, in good conscience, decide to work on the two of you. If I were you, I wouldn't continue on with the duplicity with the fb woman. I would either tell him the truth - that he's been busted, so to speak - and make it clear that you are not getting back together, or quietly accept that you will never trust him and fold your tent.


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

@Alte Dame you are right. I know a lot of people here have been betrayed. However we can all make choices. In this situation I have a choice to be in or out. I only wanted to try if the behavior was corrected, but it has not. I spoke with him yesterday after me yelling at & he said he wanted to take me out this saturday then the next second he said he is starting to not care about anything but our son.....that isn't love....that isn't a person who is trying...you can't really care but change your mind that quickly. At the same time having the nerve to question our son with a stranger. I don't want to live thinking I have to question a persons actions, their actions don't line up with their words, and they don't care about me the same way I care about them. It isn't fair to me...but more importantly my children!! This will be my last post about someone who doesn't care about me. I am going to spend this time healing myself so I can prepare for something/someone better in the future!!! I appreciate everyones help and support. Many blessings!!!


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Good luck to you. There is great peace and satisfaction in deciding your own fate.


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

So needing your advice again please. I know I said it was over....so I thought I haven't talked to him. So as you know I hadn't spoken to son's father. Told him if he wants to speak with me must be in front of a third party period. Well he said he would find one. That has been our only communication besides him sending me messages. That I never respond to. Well on saturday this last week I get this email: 
Mari I miss you. Now before you roll your eyes, laugh, and make a smartassed comment to yourself, allow me to explain. I remember about this time last year we were a family. Around this time last year myself and the girls had woke up and decided to make mama a garden. As we raked, shoveled, and got dirty, I remember how happy I was to have a glimpse of what my future was going to be like. Six months before in one of many of our long conversations we talked about activities like that and how great it would be and at that moment I was living it. You know I always wanted that...for them, for me, for you. I felt like everyone of us deserved that. Each one of those kids were put into the least ideal situation that they didn't choose, and in a way so had we. It was just up to us to break the cycle that even we had experienced at their age. And at that moment it was broken, we had succeeded. At that moment our kids were going to grow up in a two parent household full of love, support, understanding, and committment. All elements that were required for it to work. Along this process kids cried, got tired, had fun, laughed, played, got wet and dirty, but they were all happy. And even though you were about at half way point through a pregnancy so were you. As you glared down from the upstairs window like a creepy old lady, I could see your big beautiful smile and gorgeous laugh as we busied ourselves making what we thought was the most endearing garden in the world at that time. Though at the end that garden was not the most estatically beautiful piece of scenery you could of hoped for, it was built by our family. Every little hand and foot created that garden. The seeds were planted by A and K, rocks were placed, cleaned and organized by J and C, and my sad little fence was erected by my good intent and love... I just wanted you to know that I not only remembered but it means something. So when you look down at the garden that was built for you, know that it was built by your family, your legacy. I don't know what else to say other than I miss you.

So I never respond to it at all. Well fast forward to yesterday on Tuesday at work I get a package and I don't know where it's from. It's a dozen chocolate covered strawberries. The note reads: "...you do matter. you deserve more than you were shown. I hope you know that I love you, then now, and forever. W

What the heck I have had no contact with this man at all. He supposedly is/was dating someone. I have moved on now. I had a guy I know out that has been eyeing for awhile ask me out, just wanted to make for sure I wasn't involved. He's older more established. I finally said yes, we have our first date on Saturday. Mind you my son's father knows nothing of this. 

Why am I getting this message. I wished I could believe him but he made his own bed. I gave him every opportunity. Besides I don't even know if the email and strawberries is all part of a game. I completely went mia on him. I want nothing to do with him. Hasn't he done enough? What is with this?


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

He could be reacting to your going MIA. You basically 180d him and some people turn around when they see that. 

I think you might want to consider the new guy. Your old one was all over the map...


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

Ovid you are right. He was all over the map. The new guy seems to worship the ground I walk on. He been eyeing me since August and has really been impressed by me. So i finally accepted plans to do dinner on saturday. super excited. He's sweet, attentive, reliable, has offered to do things the ex wouldn't do....and I haven't even had to ask him. Ex:like mowing my lawn. 

I guess I just don't understand why he would even waste his time doing all of that. I live by the philosophy don't talk about it be about it. Guess the other chicks weren't enough for him.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

1lostintranslation said:


> Ovid you are right. He was all over the map. The new guy seems to worship the ground I walk on. He been eyeing me since August and has really been impressed by me. So i finally accepted plans to do dinner on saturday. super excited. He's sweet, attentive, reliable, has offered to do things the ex wouldn't do....and I haven't even had to ask him. Ex:like mowing my lawn.
> 
> I guess I just don't understand why he would even waste his time doing all of that. I live by the philosophy don't talk about it be about it. Guess the other chicks weren't enough for him.


I am glad that it is working for you and hope it works out for you in the end. 

I do offer up this up as food for thought, no one really remembers the little things upon reflection. Think of it like getting new tires on your car. You will remark how well the car handles, rides, and overall sounds quieter when compared to the old set of tires, yet you forget that is exactly how the prior set of tires were when they were new even though you try your hardest to remember. Not saying your prior was a saint, just that we tend to remember the bad more than the good.


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

@Squeakr...i hear you! What do you mean by that. I guess I just look at it like he had the chances to change and didn't. I already know what it is like to be with this man and i was unhappy a lot. If i went back to him I am almost 100% sure I would regret it. Regret not going out with new guy, regret not living my life stressfree.


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

Since yesterday I got a text saying "hope your day was good", then a restricted phone call (that i didn't answer) i am sure it was him, then a text this morning with a therapist name and some times to meet, then "are you game for therapy", then "I wished you would talk to me". Not sure why the rash of texts, emails & gifts at work all of a sudden? New girls didn't work out? You want something from me? Need an ego boost?

I just really feel like it was too little too late. This could have all been done months ago and it was not. I am not sure if I should do the therapy thing are not....I just feel like nothing will come of it, and quite frankly I don't want anything to come of it....all desire is gone. Looking forward to date with new guy!


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

1lostintranslation said:


> What do you mean by that. I guess I just look at it like he had the chances to change and didn't.


I was just saying you are comparing new man to old man that you last remember. Of course the new guy may be doing things for you as that is his style,, and it also may be that he is in the new relationship stage. Things change as people become comfortable with each other. Your prior might have done all of the same things when you first met, but we only remember the more recent things and mostly the bad. 

When I was younger and my great grandmother died (i loved her more than anyone in my family) and she had it in her will that I was not to attend the funeral or visitation (her wishes), I was devastated. It was explained to me in a letter from her that she wanted me to remember the good times with her and how she looked then (I wasn't allowed to see her for the year prior to death as she was so sick). Others in my family remarked how she looked so frail at the visitation, but I saw then why she did it as I only could picture her so happy, vibrant, and full of life and still do to this day.

Like I said I hope I works out for you and wish you all the best and hope new guy doesn't become old guy. (I hope this explains it better).


----------



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

So the plot thickens. So all this weekend my ex has been BLOWING UP the phone with texts. 

Well on Saturday had the date and it was awesome. He was such a gentleman. Came to my door, opened the car doors, was so sweet to me, paid for dinner, took me on a drive afterwards, dropped me back off at home, kissed my hand, I kissed his cheek. It was endearing. Then has called me everyday since. On monday it was raining hard in the morning, and he checked in with me just to say he was going to grocery store and wanted to know if I needed anything so he could grab it for us. Yeah I like this one. 

So on Sunday I broke down cause I was pissed called the ex finally. he was surprised I called, he's still up to no good. I asked him about the other women, he said what other women? I then called their names and he said, "oh that was just someone I was talking to from my school". Yeah right! So I said if that is the case you would call her up right now via 3 way and confirm that. Well of course he didn't. Then I asked how many times he slept with her, and he never answered. So gross! I asked him if she knew that he was sending gifts to my job, and buzzing my phone, and he said yes. No she doesn't that girl doesn't have a clue what is going to hit her. Funny thing is she is getting lied to like he lies to me. I just never believe him anymore. He swears he loves me, wants to be with me, that has never changed. Hopes I open my heart to him. I told him that I have moved on and dating someone. All lies. I told him the real reason he won't call new chick on 3 way is he wants to keep that option open in case things don't pan out with me. I told him, I know she doesn't do things like I do, and he agreed. I also told him, he knows he is never going to marry the girl, and he said he knows that too. It's just sickening that he would play with women like that. All the while ringing your ex that you have a child with, but screwing another girl, and trying to hook up with new girls on top of that. Just disgusting. Then he wonders why I don't want my son around him. I told him I would go to the therapist with him. I just want to record him, and then ask him to sign his rights away. He can't possibly think he is a good father.

What do you think? What do you think I should do? Do you or men usually act like this? The more I see how he is the more turned off I am. He was a terrible choice. What do you think I should do with new guy? Why do you think ex lied about the new girl? Do you really think he's being honest about caring about me and wanting to try? I don't trust him at all, and really don't think I want to. Sounds like he just wants to have different girls in different places to me.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

As far as the new guy goes - your choice. Sounds good 

I don't "act like this" and I don't suppose any decent man would. It is not a "man thing". It's a "douche thing".

Your ex sounds like the dishonest liar you seem to have realised he is. Move on. Life is too short. The new guy beckons.


----------

