# Missing family life



## Mrlonelyhearts

My X filed for divorce 2 days after Christmas in 2011. We had been married 19 yrs. I moved out July of 2011. Our divorce was finalized October of 11. I really don't miss my X at all. The woman drove me nuts 

What I miss is my kids. I miss seeing the everyday. I miss the little things like tucking them in bed at night and checking on them in the middle of the night. I get my kids the typical times; every other weekend and 1-2 times per week for 3 hrs. Our visits are fun and rewarding.

I am not sure how to move on at this point. I have a great job. I am involved in a great Church. I have support for recovery from my addiction (porn). 

I became interested in a younger lady from Church. We are not dating per se. We talk a lot by phone and have shared many things about our lives. I'm not sure about continuing that relationship as she has some characteristics of my X. 

I question what to do with my life now that I am divorced.

So, this is how I introduce myself to the forum.


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## arbitrator

How old are the kids? Besides them, I'm glad to see that you have a Church family to be there for you. Just stay within their realm, keep yourself busy with some semblance of its ministry, and allow yourself to fully heal from your divorce. Sure, it's OK to talk to other women, but it ought to be in the context of things that are going on at the Church. Given time, you'll know when you're ready to look for a relationship. And cherish the time that you now have with your kids. That, in and of itself, is totally irreplaceable! Best of luck to you and welcome to TAM!


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## Mrlonelyhearts

arbitrator said:


> How old are the kids? Best of luck to you and welcome to TAM!


My kids are 11 (g), 9 (b), and 6 (g). And they are three of the best things that has ever happened in my life. My time with my kids is something that I hold dear and have worked hard to protect. My X tried to file for full physical and legal custody. When I saw that, I found a lawyer. I now have joint legal custody. I would have filed for full physical and legal custody, but that would have been costly and my lawyer thought that I could not win that battle.

Thanks for the welcome!!!


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## Shooboomafoo

Mrlonelyhearts,
I have only one girl, but watching her come down the steps on christmas morning, helping with halloween decorations, easter baskets, planning the thanksgiving meals with my wife, cooking, all those family things I surely do miss as well. It was the only thing that I had a really deep value for, and wanted to maintain, because so many of my own family members live several states away. 
I hope that I have the chance again, one day, to have a family again. Ive seriously thought about dating a woman that has kids, some my daughters age, just so I could have my dream of a big family. I dont know. I do know your hurt though, but it gets better after awhile, and you will begin to see and feel like things are together for you again.


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## Mrlonelyhearts

Shooboomafoo said:


> I hope that I have the chance again, one day, to have a family again.


I think you will.



Shooboomafoo said:


> I do know your hurt though, but it gets better after awhile, and you will begin to see and feel like things are together for you again.


People keep saying it gets better. I trust that it does. I also hope one day to have a family. I think that I have to be okay with the way things are now before I will be ready for a new family.


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## Lon

hear hear. I just came here to post this thread right now. Was going to vent on my fb page but that would just create a bunch of drama.

I am really, really missing the family I thought I would have had at this point in my life. My son and I were out and about, and I barely had time to send a few messages out to friends, its friday night and everyone has plans to go out and see people... I am with my son and while I love my time with him it feels so empty to what I want right now. We drove home to an empty house yet again... I so badly would love to come home to a W, we could spend time together in the kitchen, taking turns preparing a meal for the family, playing with our son, tucking him in together and making love after he falls asleep. It is breaking me up right now that I don't have that. I don't have a family. It's just me, and half the time me + a dependant child who gets all of my energy and focus. I am not even able to keep my tears in right now, my face no longer gets sore when I cry my muscles are so conditioned from this sh!tty way of life.


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## Mrlonelyhearts

Yeah, I hear you Lon. Coming back to an empty home is very difficult. Especially if you are living in the marital home. I think that would be worse cause of all the memories there.

It's been 8 months since I moved out of the marital home. I cried every time I had to take my kids home for the first 6 months. It's starting to get better now.

How long has it been since you split up?


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## Lon

hey Mr.LH, been separated since May '11, getting close to a year. my divorce was final at the beginning of this month. There has been ups and downs, the ups feel pretty good in the moment but they don't last long and are too easy to forget it seems. At the moment I am just worn out right now - this new life, divorced, for me is like all the worst parts of my marriage (loneliness, heavy lifting, all the responsibility) plus the worst parts of being single again (no affection, no companionship, plus I struggle even finding friendship). It is a constant state of overwhelming loneliness, horniness (ie desparation) and when I'm in the midst of my time parenting, fatigue.

I am still in the marital home, but for some reason it doesn't really feel like any place special... in fact ever since we moved into this house in 2007 I have never felt like it was my home (maybe because I feel like I'm just paying rent to the mortgage company). I want to do something to this place to make it feel like home but have no ideas - my ex never really wanted to be here either. I could move but I suspect it wouldn't change how I feel about any of this. My son I'm sure would be sad about a move too (though even he doesn't really seem to love the place, its just what he knows).


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## Mrlonelyhearts

Wow, I can see why you are so tired. That is a huge challenge to work full time, care for a minor child, and maintain a home. I can't directly relate to that cause I didn't get my kids full time. I can say that I know of some other divorcees who are doing what you are doing. I see them make it cause they have support from their parents or friends they have made in church or at work.

I do have another comment. Before my divorce, I was doing all of that anyway. My X wasn't a companion. She did not help with everything I was doing. There wasn't any love making going on at the end of the day. We were like roommates. She watched the kids while I was working. When I got home, I got very busy with getting dinner on the table, setting the table, serving kids, cleaning up after the meal, making sure everybody got some attention, bedtime, etc. So, what did I lose by getting divorced?

I hope you can find some positive in this.


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## Lon

Mr.LH, just to clarify, I am not full time with my Son, 50/50. Though sometimes it feels as though my job would be easier again if I were full time because I probably wouldn't be feeling the urge to go be single again, I think my role would be easier to define. It is constantly making the change from having son to not having son that I find particularly gruelling.

I feel like you, that I didn't actually lose anything from the divorce, at first I found this whole thing to be a breeze, I had lots of hope, keeping my home clean was a snap, managing my life was a lot easier... but after a year it seems like I am even more run-down for some reason.


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## Corpuswife

I've been divorced for over 2 years (after 25 years of marriage)...I am now engaged to a fantastic man! 

It's completely normal to miss your family. I miss my family dearly. I love them all-even my ex. He will always be in my family. I have cried recently because I miss the family unity that we had. However, I don't wish for my ex back. 

The relationship won't be restored. The past can't be undone. Love the life that you have. Cherish your children like your days are limited. And....allow yourself to miss your family but don't dwell! 

You have living to do!!!


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## Mrlonelyhearts

Corpuswife said:


> I've been divorced for over 2 years (after 25 years of marriage)...I am now engaged to a fantastic man!


That's wonderful!! Congratulations. 



Corpuswife said:


> It's completely normal to miss your family. I miss my family dearly. I love them all-even my ex. He will always be in my family. I have cried recently because I miss the family unity that we had. However, I don't wish for my ex back.
> 
> The relationship won't be restored. The past can't be undone. Love the life that you have. Cherish your children like your days are limited. And....allow yourself to miss your family but don't dwell!


That's good advice. Thanks for the encouragement.




Corpuswife said:


> You have living to do!!!


I trust that I will figure out this "living thing." I am working on getting back into running. I am also working on a small business idea. I am spending as much time with my kids that my X will allow.


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