# Horrible First Wedding Anniversary



## mrs.marriagenewbie (Oct 16, 2017)

UPDATE: In response to some of these responses, I want to say that my husband 100% does not have an issue with drug addiction. This is a complete one off occurrence, which is why I'm upset about the situation, not the drug use. Thank you for the helpful responses. 

........

I feel like I need to vent about this more than anything.

Today was our first wedding anniversary. We have a 3 year old who spent the weekend at his grandparents so we could have the day to ourselves. 

Last night we went to a friends wedding. It was a good time but I had a bit too much to drink and went home before my husband who wanted to stay and party. (completely fine with me). Next thing I know I wake up at 4 am and he is not home, I text him and get no answer so I text my friend who he was with and he messages me back saying that my husband and our two friends are in a cab on the way over to our house. 

So at this point I am starting to get annoyed but whatever I go back to sleep. I wake up at 8am and can still hear them talking downstairs. Turns out that they have come back to our place to have a wild party (including using blow) and the three of them ended up staying awake at our house until 12 OCLOCK NOON drinking and doing drugs. Back to the point that today is mine and my husband's first wedding anniversary. We have our son with his grandparents so we could spend the day together. We had lunch plans. I am literally so upset. The jerk husband finally went to bed at about 12:30 and slept the day away and is being weird and awkward. He knows he messed up and has apologized, but I feel like sorry means nothing.

If this day mattered to him, wouldn't he have gone to bed earlier? Like I don't care, stay up until 5 or even 6, but 12 freaking oclock? I feel like he chose to spend our anniversary with his friends instead of me. Am I overreacting? How do I get over this? If this is a terrible omen for our marriage?

Signed, 
A sad wifey


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You should have a big problem with him taking illegal drugs in your house, especially as you have a child. Or do you want a husband in jail? How about a police raid? Or having your child taken away? The anniversary stuff is nothing compared to that. 
The drug issues is a terrible omen for your marriage that's for sure.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

mrs.marriagenewbie said:


> I feel like I need to vent about this more than anything.
> 
> Today was our first wedding anniversary. We have a 3 year old who spent the weekend at his grandparents so we could have the day to ourselves.
> 
> ...


To quote Rick James "cocaine is a helluva drug" 

This is the type of stuff you will have to deal with on occasion when heavy drug use is allowed in your relationship. I'm a pothead myself and I like to booze a bit here and there myself. My bad habits have caused some heartache over the years. I got heavily into meth and hard drugs in my youth. Now a days I smoke a bit of weed here and there, and enjoy a booze benge every once in a while. I can tell you first hand my bad habits have hurt my wife in the past. It hasn't happened in a long time (10+ years) but you need to determine weather or not his using will cause this heartache regularly throughout your relationship. 

How long did you wait to marry? How long has this been going on, and how many times has something like this happened before? 

I learned my lesson on what was really important to me in year 2 of dating, which was 15 years ago. 11 years married now and I can say no substance will ever come between us. Im a weak person when it comes to drug and alcohol abuse, ill be the first to admit. But I'm even more weak for her love and to do the right thing by her always. 

I've always said I'm the greatest functioning person with such a destructive addictive personality greater than anyone that I know and will ever know. I could be a nobody and a complete wreck and non functioning member of society. But I choose her and our kids above all. 

Is he of the same mold of person? I'm not so arrogant that I think of myself as unique. I just have yet to come across someone quite of the same mindset and battles that I face. 

Think about your relationship and what he is and has done to be a better person for you and you alone. Do you think this is a one off, and he messed up and is fully capable of not ever letting his self destructive nature hurt you like he did today? 

If the answer is yes, than voice your displeasure. Tell him how he has hurt you. If the opportunity comes up again to ever choose you or his old battles with himself, and he chooses himself, think twice about what you have gotten yourself into. Same speech I gave to my beautiful wife. If I start choosing myself and my addictive ways above her and our kids, leave me and know you will be better for it. 

If this is a one off situation, voice your dissatisfaction and set a clear boundary in place. Stick by it and be prepared to walk away at any time. Make sure he knows you will walk away at any moment if he doesn't live and die by these boundaries. 

You absolutely CAN be happy in a relationship with someone like me. But it certainly takes a particular type of person to not only reign someone like me into being respectable, but a particular person to tolerate our short comings and to recognize how much a SOB someone like me can be at times. I would NEVER CHEAT! and would do ANYTHING to make my wife and kid's life happy and fulfilled. 

Search yourself and you will find the answer to your question.

Ps: I agree with the above post. I don't allow myself to have drugs in any place that could be considered communal property. If drugs are ever found in your house, you could be found guilty and lose your kids as a result. Dont allow it in your house. Your husband should know the laws well enough as a breaker of said laws to realize this. He wouldn't want them in any place where anyone else could be responsible. I'm extremely libertarian on this subject. I will take responsibility for my actions and nobody else can be held accountable. I also make sure my actions do not impact the lives of others. Search yourself OP


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

mrs.marriagenewbie said:


> I feel like I need to vent about this more than anything.
> 
> Today was our first wedding anniversary. We have a 3 year old who spent the weekend at his grandparents so we could have the day to ourselves.
> 
> ...


Yep. Sorry I wish I could say different but you assessment is spot on. Extremely selfish people make incredibly difficult spouses. Keep your eyes open. Also you say he doesn't have a problem, I say not yet or he is good at controlling it now. Hopefully he learns.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Absolutely, this is a bad omen for your marriage. As time goes by he'll do this more and more, until it would become a deal breaker.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'd say that it's bad enough to leave him over.

The drug use is not something I would tolerate at all. I find it interesting that you are bothered by him not spending the time with you. But the drug use seems to just be a side note.

He cares more for drugs and partying than he does for you and your child.

But you knew this already, didn't you?


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Ele is spot on.
You have a child with a cocaine snorting bro boy .

Protect your innocent child.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> You should have a big problem with him taking illegal drugs in your house, especially as you have a child. Or do you want a husband in jail? How about a police raid? Or having your child taken away? The anniversary stuff is nothing compared to that.
> The drug issues is a terrible omen for your marriage that's for sure.


^^This. This would be enough for me to leave...no way would I tolerate this.

Also, what is "blow"? Heroin? Cocaine? (excuse the ignorance)


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## drewg350 (Oct 14, 2017)

frusdil said:


> Diana7 said:
> 
> 
> > You should have a big problem with him taking illegal drugs in your house, especially as you have a child. Or do you want a husband in jail? How about a police raid? Or having your child taken away? The anniversary stuff is nothing compared to that.
> ...




"blow" is cocaine. I've done my fair share for years. It definitely is "a hell of a drug". I never did anything else, no pot, meth, heroine, nothing. But I did love to have a great time doing coke. I don't anymore, and it's been at least 7 years. Luckily my job requires a lot of "random drug testing". In fact, I was tested last night. I have a great job and make very good money. This keeps me on the straight and narrow, along with having a wife and two young daughter's. My wife never knew about my drug addiction. I did coke every single day for well over a year. Never got caught. Always kept it hidden. Luckily this is behind me. 
Coke is a drug you can do once in awhile, and not become an addict. I did it once or maybe twice a year for years. But one day, it became two, into three, and before I knew it, I was doing it every single day, through out the entire day. I absolutely loved it. Luckily coke does not cause physical withdrawal like heroine or opiates. It can be a ***** mentally and you can get seriously depressed, but at least you don't go thru physical withdrawals, even being on it for years, like opiates. I'd give him a pass - THIS TIME. But if it happens again, and quickly, I'd lay the law down.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Yep. Sorry I wish I could say different but you assessment is spot on. Extremely selfish people make incredibly difficult spouses. Keep your eyes open. Also you say he doesn't have a problem, I say not yet or he is good at controlling it now. Hopefully he learns.


I would not say he is good at controlling it if he chose that over his wedding anniversary.


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## DaveinOC (Oct 15, 2017)

mrs.marriagenewbie said:


> UPDATE: In response to some of these responses, I want to say that my husband 100% does not have an issue with drug addiction. This is a complete one off occurrence, which is why I'm upset about the situation, not the drug use. Thank you for the helpful responses.
> 
> ........
> 
> ...


Sorry to hear that. Your husband's action is not justified or acceptable in any way, however I can see how this could happen easily. This is not necessarily lack of care but more a lack of self-control as well as his incorrect self assessment. It's not that he felt like what's the big deal with wedding anniversary (obvious he must have been aware it was a semi-big deal if you guys went as far as sending a kid away for a day for some time together), it's more of a child like irresistance to having fun given the circumstance. May be not as severe as this but I do this thing where I'll be like ok one more youtube video before I go to sleep for work the next day. Before I know it, it's already 2~3am, and I end up regretting it the next day. This is not to say I don't care about my work, it just means that I overestimated my ability to be on schedule while fulfilling other things. (or simply didn't even think about the consequence at the time).

The drug use is a whole different issue IMO. above is irresponsible yet I could see it happening, but this one is just straight up unacceptable to me in a household with child. 

Anyhow, I am sure he's sorry about it so let's hope it doesn't repeat again.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

I'm curious, is this the first time he's chosen getting high/drunk/snockered/whatever over you?

I ask because you seemed quite comfortable talking about it all in your opening post. Is this a normal part of your life or something that was over done whilst running into old bad habit friends from your past (you were at a wedding so who knows who you "ran into" again?)

Not judging you....just curious about the pattern


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I took my ex wife to a nice casino/hotel on a fun road trip for our 1st anniv and got yelled out. I ended up sleeping on the floor. That marriage lasted another 7 years, mostly sexless and miserable. Hope you can last longer than mine! Actually, if it ends up being miserable, end it soon and don't live a life of regret for 7 years like I did.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

To me it sounds like a night out turned into a little more than was anticipated. I can understand you being upset, but as long as this was a once and done thing I certainly wouldn't end your marriage over it. Unless you, and all of those telling you to end it, are perfect. We all make mistakes and do things we shouldn't have done. Vent your displeasure and hope it doesn't happen again. If it does, you always have the option to leave, but not over a once and done, especially if drug use is already tolerated.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OP, you can't be upset about the situation, and not be upset about the drug use. They are one and the same.

If he did this on any other weekend that wasn't your anniversary, would you be upset? If your son was home (while they were doing the coke), would you be upset?

To me, this is completely intolerable. You had plans to spend the day together, which he knew about and ultimately couldn't participate in, because he lacks self-control. If he can't limit his substance use when you have a big day planned, why would he bother to limit it any other time?

You seem to be ok with him using coke. Honestly, if you're ok with him using cocaine, and he knows it, you can't really complain when he decides to use it and it screws up your plans. That's par for the course when you condone your partner using hard drugs. They are going to use when they want to, and it's going to screw up your plans. Because drug use is a very self-centered thing, it's all about the user and his high. So he's not going to think about you and your needs when he decides he's going to use.

If it was me, I would say to him, "No more cocaine, and no more hanging out with these people that you use it with, because it turns you into a self-centered person who doesn't care about me or our relationship, and I'm not going to put up with it anymore. You can have me and our family and our relationship, or you can have your 'friends' and the coke, but you can't have both. If I find out you've used it again after this conversation, this relationship is over."

But that's me. I wouldn't be ok with my partner using hard drugs.

You said it's OK with you, so you can't say that.

Sorry, OP, I don't really think you have a leg to stand on here.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

mrs.marriagenewbie said:


> UPDATE: In response to some of these responses, I want to say that my husband 100% does not have an issue with drug addiction. This is a complete one off occurrence, which is why I'm upset about the situation, not the drug use. Thank you for the helpful responses.
> 
> ........
> 
> ...


Ey? Don't care about the drugs, as long as you say that he's not addicted and it's a one-off. The main issue - is that he decided to spend time with his friends instead of you. What kind of anniversary is that? Bloody idiot!


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

The drug use is obviously a bad thing....but you know that already.

The first few years of marriage are considered the honeymoon period. You should be happy and loving every minute of it.
The later years drop off to a more mature love not a madly in love, but at this stage of your marriage you should be attached at the hip literally and figuratively.
If your H is doing this and disregarding your 1st Anniversary....he is selfish, thinking only of himself.

These are early days for you both...but living with somebody that is selfish is a lot of work.

You will be an afterthought and will not feel special. 

Tell him how you felt about your disappointing Anniversary. His reaction should be remorse and promises of trying harder in the future to never let that happen again and him trying to make it up to you.
Acting defensive and sounding like he was entitled will show that he’s only thinking about himself.

As far as the drugs in the house....you will have to go through your home with a fine tooth comb to ensure there are no traces.
Between couch cushions, under the couch...totally everywhere to keep you child safe.

The drugs should be a deal breaker especially with children in the house...but from your opening sentences seems like you are going to forgive the first and only time....there should never ever be a second.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@cma62 I got the impression that this wasn't the first time, regarding the drug use. I may be wrong, but that was the impression I got.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

@FeministInPink....Op had mentioned this was a complete” one off occurrence “.at the beginning of her original post.... so maybe I interpreted wrong.....I was hoping I guess...wishful thinking.... for the child’s sake


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