# Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)



## Cucumbermelon (Jan 9, 2020)

Hello 

I never post on online forums, so this is a first for me. I just need to get this off of my chest and maybe talk to people who have been in my situation and (hopefully) turned it around. 

I have been married for 7 years. We are both in our early thirties. We haven’t had sex since June and this is the normal for us. I’m not happy and I know he’s not happy, but it just gets brushed under the rug for months at a time. We have two young kids (1 and 5) which takes up all of our time it seems.

My husband would definitely be up for having sex any time, but I am not. And though I say that, he has never been one to really initiate anything either, but has never rejected me. Other than the occasional suggesting that we do it he shows me no affection at all.

I actually shudder and feel sick when I think about having sex. I could cry because that’s how badly I don’t want to do it. I always tell myself I should just suck it up for him but I literally cannot bring myself to do it. I know I have a problem. I don’t know how to fix it. Part of my problem is that he regularly skips showering and brushing his teeth and hygiene is very important to me. I’ve said things to him on many occasions but it just doesn’t matter, nothing changes. I usually can’t get that out of my head and it’s a huge turn off. 

We’ve been in marriage counseling before and it did help for a while but we are right back to square one. 

Has anyone been in a sexless marriage - where they are the problem - and fixed it eventually? I can’t bare the thought of breaking up our family but also can’t bare the thought of living a love never being touched, kissed, or loved in that way ever again. Just looking for hope or advice.

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end 🙂


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Cucumbermelon said:


> Hello
> 
> I never post on online forums, so this is a first for me. I just need to get this off of my chest and maybe talk to people who have been in my situation and (hopefully) turned it around.
> 
> ...


As difficult as it is, your problem is not the sexless marriage. That's a symptom.

Your problem is that you're married to someone that doesn't care about you and doesn't care about himself enough to actually take care of basic hygiene. My call would either be depression or just chronic laziness.

Don't focus on the sex. Focus on his behaviour. The sex will happen - maybe - if his behaviour changes. 

And if it's too late for that, then it's too late for that. Your lack of attraction to someone that doesn't care about you and is actively disgusting is not your fault.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*

You really need to figure out what is going on. 

You know that at some point even the weakest man will leave this type of marriage. 

But at the same time why do you want to stay in the marriage? He basically repulses you so get out and find someone new...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*

A few questions:

If he fixed his hygiene and was more attentive to you, do you think you would desire sex? Have you been in relationships before where you desired sex?

If (being completely honest with yourself) you don't think you would desire sex under any realistic conditions, please take a look at asexuality.org Asexuality exists, there are some people who do not want sex ever. It like being gay, not something that can be changed.

OTOH, if you think that changes in his behavior would make you desire him, then you need to find a way to tell him - maybe through counseling. 

If you have already told him and he is unwilling to change, then you have a very difficult decision, but many people would divorce in that situation .




Cucumbermelon said:


> Hello
> 
> I never post on online forums, so this is a first for me. I just need to get this off of my chest and maybe talk to people who have been in my situation and (hopefully) turned it around.
> 
> ...


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Cucumbermelon said:


> Hello
> 
> We have two young kids (1 and 5) which takes up all of our time it seems.


Both of your problems can be solved - IF - at one time you desired and wanted sex with him. Those feelings can be regained by spending time ALONE with him. If he's ready for sex, go get one of those nice marital suites with the jacuzzi or in-room swimming pool. Get him into the tub and/or pool and give him a bath sensually.

If you never wanted sex with him, which is my strong suspicion.... there's nothing to regain. It was just never there in the first place. Your marriage is a dreadful mistake for both of you. In this case, the kids, the hygiene, etc....are all just excuses. 

I suspect that because the marriage counseling didn't work.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

If you were to hand him his toothbrush and a bar of soap, then tell him that you'll ring his bell as soon as he gets out of the shower, what would happen?

Which is the chicken and which is the egg? Did he stop caring about his hygiene after he discovered that it no longer made any difference in his sex life, or did you stop wanting him when you discovered that he was a little bit nasty all of the time?


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## Cucumbermelon (Jan 9, 2020)

As difficult as it is, your problem is not the sexless marriage. That's a symptom.

Your problem is that you're married to someone that doesn't care about you and doesn't care about himself enough to actually take care of basic hygiene. My call would either be depression or just chronic laziness.

Don't focus on the sex. Focus on his behaviour. The sex will happen - maybe - if his behaviour changes. 

And if it's too late for that, then it's too late for that. Your lack of attraction to someone that doesn't care about you and is actively disgusting is not your fault.[/QUOTE]

You’re right, I know it’s just the symptom of the troubles in our marriage. I have wondered about depression with him. We’ve discussed him seeking individual counseling because in general he’s not a very happy person. He said he would think about it , but has yet to call a doctor.


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## Cucumbermelon (Jan 9, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> You really need to figure out what is going on.
> 
> You know that at some point even the weakest man will leave this type of marriage.
> 
> But at the same time why do you want to stay in the marriage? He basically repulses you so get out and find someone new...


I want to stay in this marriage because we have children and a life together. I don’t want to break up our family if I can help it. I feel terrible.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

It's time for intervention, is there anyone he can turn too?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



BluesPower said:


> You really need to figure out what is going on.
> 
> You know that at some point even the weakest man will leave this type of marriage.
> 
> But at the same time why do you want to stay in the marriage? He basically repulses you so get out and find someone new...


The man is too lazy to shower and brush his teeth - do you really see him filing for divorce? That takes effort. 

And, no other woman is going to want to bed a garbage can, either. Well, I take that back - Swat's wife did. Eeeeewwwwwww!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Cucumbermelon said:


> I actually shudder and feel sick when I think about having sex. I could cry because that’s how badly I don’t want to do it. I always tell myself I should just suck it up for him but I literally cannot bring myself to do it. I know I have a problem. I don’t know how to fix it.
> ....
> You’re right, I know it’s just the symptom of the troubles in our marriage. I have wondered about depression with him. We’ve discussed him seeking individual counseling because in general he’s not a very happy person. He said he would think about it , but has yet to call a doctor.


He's not the only person possibly depressed here. If you're in a situation where you find sex with your husband repulsive, and your desire to stay in your marriage is because you have kids, well... if that isn't part of a recipe for depression, what is? I don't think this is all about him. 

How did you meet? What was the attraction? What changed? Did you ever enjoy sex?


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## Cucumbermelon (Jan 9, 2020)

uhtred said:


> A few questions:
> 
> If he fixed his hygiene and was more attentive to you, do you think you would desire sex? Have you been in relationships before where you desired sex?
> 
> ...


Yes I do think so, I’ve been asking for years for him to just show me a little more attention and affection. He says it’s just not who he is, his parents were never like that. I understand but it’s hard to accept because I feel undesired honestly. 

I’m not asexual, I have been in previous relationships where I’ve enjoyed it and did it regularly. And I think about it a lot, I want it to be a part of my life...

I’m thinking our best shot here is to try counseling again. It’s been a few years and we Probably should have never stopped going.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Cucumbermelon said:


> You’re right, I know it’s just the symptom of the troubles in our marriage. I have wondered about depression with him. We’ve discussed him seeking individual counseling because in general he’s not a very happy person. He said he would think about it , but has yet to call a doctor.


If he's truly depressed, then he might not be able to call the doctor for himself. It can sap you of the will to do anything but exist. You might have to make the call, and take him there yourself. A badly depressed person won't be able to take that initiative.


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## Cucumbermelon (Jan 9, 2020)

Both of your problems can be solved - IF - at one time you desired and wanted sex with him. Those feelings can be regained by spending time ALONE with him. If he's ready for sex, go get one of those nice marital suites with the jacuzzi or in-room swimming pool. Get him into the tub and/or pool and give him a bath sensually.

If you never wanted sex with him, which is my strong suspicion.... there's nothing to regain. It was just never there in the first place. Your marriage is a dreadful mistake for both of you. In this case, the kids, the hygiene, etc....are all just excuses. 

I suspect that because the marriage counseling didn't work.[/QUOTE]


There was a time when I did want sex with him, then things just started changing and to be honest I’m not 100% sure how we even got here. The hygiene issue has been bothering me for a long time, ever since we moved in together actually. It took me a long time to ask him to brush his teeth. 



Cletus said:


> If you were to hand him his toothbrush and a bar of soap, then tell him that you'll ring his bell as soon as he gets out of the shower, what would happen?
> 
> Which is the chicken and which is the egg? Did he stop caring about his hygiene after he discovered that it no longer made any difference in his sex life, or did you stop wanting him when you discovered that he was a little bit nasty all of the time?


I think he would shower and brush his teeth if I told him that. I think the hygiene thing may have always been an issue because I discovered it shortly after we moved in together & it may have gotten a bit worse over time but it’s always been something that bothered me. 



Tilted 1 said:


> It's time for intervention, is there anyone he can turn too?


He doesn’t have many friends and he would NEVER talk to his family about it, he’s too proud . I know he can’t be happy either.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Cucumbermelon said:


> I want to stay in this marriage because we have children and a life together.


To paraphrase One so far wiser and greater than me..... verily, verily I say unto you, you have your reward.... 



Cucumbermelon said:


> I think he would shower and brush his teeth if I told him that.


I'm not a gambler, nor the son of a gambler, but if I was, I would wager that you're 100% correct.



Cucumbermelon said:


> I can’t bare the thought of breaking up our family _*but also*_ can’t bare the thought of living a love never being touched, kissed, or loved in that way ever again.


I believe you. I also believe you are looking for hope or advice. I am now going to give you both hope, and advice. 

Your problem is that you have your PRIORITIES out of order. Your priority is "family". Being touched, kissed and loved is in second rank. It's a "but also". 

Now, I am going to make a radical statement. You can SOLVE this problem. And, you can solve this problem ALONE, with no help from your husband. Please don't get me wrong, I fully get it. His lack of personal hygiene is contributing to the problem, and not to the solution. But, I'm not talking to him, he isn't here. Neither you, nor I, can change him. I cannot change you, only YOU can.

This is my advice, and it is truly simple advice:

Husband FIRST. Family SECOND.

Hope FIRST. Advice SECOND.

Ownership FIRST. "(sort of)" to be eliminated.

Touched and kissed FIRST. "Breaking up" - "but also"....


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Well, your being here shows you want it will to here from others what could help. And you really don't know what to do. You know the answer. And it's not the one you were hoping for. 

How many more wasted years are you going to stay you are repulsed by him because of his reasons of his lack of interest in you. And it isn't just going to happen and change. 

Don't you deserve to be respected and love by what most people would call minimum requirements hygiene? And are repulsed l am with you and am repulsed by the thought of my woman doing the same. 

You know what must be done because you have shown yourself to want nothing more than what others would. You attempted to talk and help him but he's not really that in to you. And because he's just a plain and filthy man ( literally). 

Make this your last ditch effort to inform then start the process not as tool of fear, but as a way of sanity. And only you will if he's even capable of change, if he's not just divorce and leave. 

You deserve sex and desires to have thoughts of gabbing your lover and any second to have a moment of lust and fulfilllment, and not having the thought nor smell of rotten potatoes. 

That would kill anyone's desire. Like 5 yrs ago.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*

I think once the lack of hygiene problem is in your head, it never goes away... you will always be thinking about the garbage can, as Blondilocks very diplomatically puts it...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Cucumbermelon said:


> As difficult as it is, your problem is not the sexless marriage. That's a symptom.
> 
> Your problem is that you're married to someone that doesn't care about you and doesn't care about himself enough to actually take care of basic hygiene. My call would either be depression or just chronic laziness.
> 
> ...


You’re right, I know it’s just the symptom of the troubles in our marriage. I have wondered about depression with him. We’ve discussed him seeking individual counseling because in general he’s not a very happy person. He said he would think about it , but has yet to call a doctor.[/QUOTE]

"Husband, you have a decision to make, one of three choices. One, shower once a day and brush your teeth twice a day, show me affection with hugs and words. Two, I start having sex with someone else that will do these things and you'll be OK with it. Three, we divorce, and I start having sex with someone else that will do those things. Your choice, but I'm only giving you a week to make it, and then I'll choose option two or three. Either way, I think you may have depression, and you're going to have to take care of that."


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*

What you want is completely reasonable. A lot of basic things are expected in a marriage, and those include people taking reasonable care of themselves physically (including bathing), being loving and affectionate etc. You should have that. There is no surprise at all that you are not attracted to him the way he behaves. 

Counseling again seems a good idea, but I also think you should set yourself a deadline to leave if he is unable / unwilling to change. You should not have to live like this. I know its tempting to stay for the children, but having been a child in an unhappy marriage, I can tell you that you are not doing them any favor at all. It took me a very long time to realize that what I saw in my parents was not "love" but an miserably broken relationship where they stayed together "for the children". 




Cucumbermelon said:


> Yes I do think so, I’ve been asking for years for him to just show me a little more attention and affection. He says it’s just not who he is, his parents were never like that. I understand but it’s hard to accept because I feel undesired honestly.
> 
> I’m not asexual, I have been in previous relationships where I’ve enjoyed it and did it regularly. And I think about it a lot, I want it to be a part of my life...
> 
> I’m thinking our best shot here is to try counseling again. It’s been a few years and we Probably should have never stopped going.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



uhtred said:


> What you want is completely reasonable. A lot of basic things are expected in a marriage, and those include people taking reasonable care of themselves physically (including bathing), being loving and affectionate etc. You should have that. There is no surprise at all that you are not attracted to him the way he behaves.
> 
> Counseling again seems a good idea, but I also think you should set yourself a deadline to leave if he is unable / unwilling to change. You should not have to live like this. I know its tempting to stay for the children, but having been a child in an unhappy marriage, I can tell you that you are not doing them any favor at all. It took me a very long time to realize that what I saw in my parents was not "love" but an miserably broken relationship where they stayed together "for the children".


I agree with this, but I would like to point out that many people stay in marriages when they are not entirely happy and manage to have a reasonable relationship without upsetting the children... I guess it depends on "how bad" it is...


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Cucumbermelon said:


> There was a time when I did want sex with him, then things just started changing





Blondilocks said:


> you will always be thinking about the garbage can


So, there was a time when you didn't think about the garbage can. It's not that you didn't know about the garbage can. The garbage can was always there. But, you were CHOOSING to not think about the garbage can.

Instead, you were, whether known to you, or not, obeying a biblical principle which was eloquently asserted by Paul the Apostle (Phillippians 4:8 KJV)

_Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things._

You were, back then, "thinking on these things" and not the garbage can. You were thinking about how you wanted this terrific guy to be your forever wedded husband, and how you wanted to be intimate and loving with him. The garbage can didn't "go away" - but it "faded from view" .....

It's a CHOICE.... a choice which only you can make. You have other choices.

Behind door #2 is: _I do not have control over my own thoughts. They just "happen"..._

Behind door #3 is: _The devil made me do it....._

Only door #1 has any RESULTS. Door #2, and Door #3, keep things just as they are.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



TJW said:


> So, there was a time when you didn't think about the garbage can.


We don't know whether the garbage can was already a garbage can when they got married... I doubt very much that any woman would marry a garbage can... :laugh:


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



In Absentia said:


> I think once the lack of hygiene problem is in your head, it never goes away... you will always be thinking about the garbage can, as Blondilocks very *diplomatically *puts it...


LOL! I have been accused of many transgressions over the years on this forum; but, being diplomatic is a first.:grin2: I think I'll archive this post for future reference.>
@TJW, you attributed a quote to me which actually belongs to In Absentia. I'll cop to the 'garbage can' descriptor.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Blondilocks said:


> LOL! I have been accused of many transgressions over the years on this forum; but, being diplomatic is a first.:grin2: I think I'll archive this post for future reference.>


I'm pretty sure you know I was being sarcastic... :grin2:


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## Cucumbermelon (Jan 9, 2020)

Thank you all for taking the time to reply! You really have given me a lot to think about.

I’ve been sort of secretly telling myself for the past 6 months that 2020 is the last year I will spend this way. Life is TOO short and I know we both deserve better than this. I told him this today. We NEED counseling, or we might not make it.

I suspect he was always like this - with the lack of hygiene. Just hid it well when we were dating because he used to try to impress me, therefore would care whether or not he was showered before we saw each other. He doesn’t really care much about his personal appearance, doesn’t even own a brush. Cuts his hair maybe twice a year, never buys new clothes therefore wears ones that are old and too tight. It’s just completely the opposite of myself. I am always buying new outfits, shower daily, do my hair and makeup and go get my hair done every other month. I don’t want to expect too much but the basic hygiene is something I can’t look past.

I want to try and change but how can I get it out of my head?? I’m worried it’s always going to be an issue. Hoping marriage counseling can help with that.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Cucumbermelon said:


> Hello
> 
> I never post on online forums, so this is a first for me. I just need to get this off of my chest and maybe talk to people who have been in my situation and (hopefully) turned it around.
> 
> ...


Do you feel any respect or love for him?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Cucumbermelon said:


> Thank you all for taking the time to reply! You really have given me a lot to think about.
> 
> I’ve been sort of secretly telling myself for the past 6 months that 2020 is the last year I will spend this way. Life is TOO short and I know we both deserve better than this. I told him this today. We NEED counseling, or we might not make it.
> 
> ...


Ugh. You could both probably benefit from IC.

Sorry you are in this situation.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Cucumbermelon said:


> Thank you all for taking the time to reply! You really have given me a lot to think about.
> 
> I’ve been sort of secretly telling myself for the past 6 months that 2020 is the last year I will spend this way. Life is TOO short and I know we both deserve better than this. I told him this today. We NEED counseling, or we might not make it.
> 
> ...


Oh my goodness!

I don't blame you for not wanting to have sex with your husband. One thing is smelling your partner's pheromones and another one is to smell a stinky mouth, butt, pits or feet. 

I admire you for staying with him. 

Is his family the same way? Do you think it is a learned behavior? Or just him?


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Men respond to bluntness. We're not that emotionally "intelligent", so we don't pick up on nuance. We also tend to fall asleep in a relationship and set aside all the things that made us attractive mates to begin with. 

Just flat out tell him what you said here.

Or, if you want to be more passive-aggressive, shoot him my Dead Bedroom Fix book: https://www.dadstartingover.com/the-dead-bedroom-fix


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Cucumbermelon said:


> I want to try and change but how can I get it out of my head?? I’m worried it’s always going to be an issue. Hoping marriage counseling can help with that.


A good counselor can indeed help. A good counselor will point out that for us, it is next to impossible to "stop" thinking about something. We have to "replace" a bad thought with a good one. And, we have to do it over, and over, and over again, until we get "re-wired" - 

Just now, thoughts of sex in your mind have become associated with "garbage can", and you're repulsed. But, if you practice, and are diligent in your efforts, you will come to a "place" where this association is not automatic.

And, I think a good counselor will also tell you to approach your husband with the promise of reward if he cleans himself up, puts on some sexy pajamas, and comes to bed.....

A good counselor will be able, also, to speak to your husband, and reinforce the idea that if he spends the effort to change his behavior, there will be a reward. Right now, your husband doesn't believe there's anything "in it" for him.

If you have achieved mastery over your thoughts, you can then make this promise, and mean it. I think your husband will respond. We guys are somewhat like dogs. If we get a biscuit for a good behavior, we keep doing the good behavior.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Let's not give credence to the saying that men are dogs.

Lest anyone thinks pheromones translates to a petri dish teeming with bacteria - the answer is NO.

Her husband needs to acquire an interest in maintaining his hygiene for his health and personal pleasure. Regardless of whether he gets a cookie or not. Ringworm, swamp ass and gingivitis are not pleasant for the sufferer.


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## Cucumbermelon (Jan 9, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Let's not give credence to the saying that men are dogs.
> 
> Lest anyone thinks pheromones translates to a petri dish teeming with bacteria - the answer is NO.
> 
> Her husband needs to acquire an interest in maintaining his hygiene for his health and personal pleasure. Regardless of whether he gets a cookie or not. Ringworm, swamp ass and gingivitis are not pleasant for the sufferer.


Thank you for helping me feel like I’m not being crazy or expecting too much. I didn’t know if this was “normal” for some men and I should try to live with it.


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## Cucumbermelon (Jan 9, 2020)

pastasauce79 said:


> Cucumbermelon said:
> 
> 
> > Thank you all for taking the time to reply! You really have given me a lot to think about.
> ...


His mother and brother are not. His dad is similar. He and his dad are very similar so it may be a learned behavior. I think it’s part laziness as he’d rather play video games or spend time on his phone. There are times when he goes out in public like this to take our children somewhere and he comes home and I can smell him and get second hand embarrassment for him. I just don’t understand it.


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## Cucumbermelon (Jan 9, 2020)

TJW said:


> Cucumbermelon said:
> 
> 
> > I want to try and change but how can I get it out of my head?? I’m worried it’s always going to be an issue. Hoping marriage counseling can help with that.
> ...


Thanks for the advice. I hope I can change my thoughts, I obviously don’t *want* to feel this way about him. There’s a lot more underlying hurt here from things that have happened in the past so I think it’s only part of our problem, there’s a lot we’re going to have to get through.


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## Cucumbermelon (Jan 9, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Cucumbermelon said:
> 
> 
> > Hello
> ...


I respect him as he is a good father and I love him, but it feels like we are just roommates. That spark is not there anymore on my end. It’s terrible, I wish it weren’t true.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Cucumbermelon said:


> I respect him as he is a good father and I love him, but it feels like we are just roommates. That spark is not there anymore on my end. It’s terrible, I wish it weren’t true.


Sorry you are feeling this way.

I will say that I have experienced similar phases with Mrs. Conan over the course of almost three decades but his crappy hygiene needs to go.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



ConanHub said:


> Sorry you are feeling this way.
> 
> *I will say that I have experienced similar phases with Mrs. Conan over the course of almost three decades* but his crappy hygiene needs to go.


OP should take notice of that. If OP has spent much time going through threads here, she'll recognize that the Conan clan is one of (or at least appears to be!) the sexually-satisfied and generally-happy couples on TAM. Married for a very long time, and yet it wasn't all strictly awesome. You guys made it work. And sometimes it takes a bit of work to get to awesome. 

Being married "just" 6 years... you can still make a difference in your marriage and, decades later, look back on the past 6 years as one of those "rough patches" ConanHub speaks of. 

I'm not there, but working at it. Married 40 years, still think there's a good chance the best years are ahead of us, not behind.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Casual Observer said:


> OP should take notice of that. If OP has spent much time going through threads here, she'll recognize that the Conan clan is one of (or at least appears to be!) the sexually-satisfied and generally-happy couples on TAM. Married for a very long time, and yet it wasn't all strictly awesome. You guys made it work. And sometimes it takes a bit of work to get to awesome.
> 
> Being married "just" 6 years... you can still make a difference in your marriage and, decades later, look back on the past 6 years as one of those "rough patches" ConanHub speaks of.
> 
> I'm not there, but working at it. Married 40 years, still think there's a good chance the best years are ahead of us, not behind.


Can't argue with this evaluation.:smile2:


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*

Any chance of getting MrCucumberMelon on here? He could benefit from seeing this thread and giving/getting feedback.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Cucumbermelon said:


> there’s a lot we’re going to have to get through.


Yes, you are going to have to forgive those past hurts and open a "new page". It can be done. I'm not saying that it's easy, but it's possible.



Cucumbermelon said:


> That spark is not there anymore on my end. It’s terrible, I wish it weren’t true.



Begin by eliminating the word "wish" from your vocabulary. A "wish" is something which comes out of the magical hands of a genie who springs forth amid smoke from a lamp. It also indicates that you do not believe that the "spark" can be regained, and you clearly understand there's no genie, no smoke, and no lamp.

I love to watch Steve Harvey on "Family Feud". One day Mr. Harvey brought tears to my eyes instead of laughter, when he said to one guest "....if you can put God in there somewhere....".

There is so much wisdom in the old adage "...to err is human, to forgive divine...". None of us can forgive unless we "put God in there somewhere". Find a place for God in your marriage. Go to God and ask the things you want. Then, trust Him to work this out through you. He doesn't live in a magic lamp, so a "wish" isn't on His menu. What is on His menu is being asked, and waiting for Him to answer....and, understanding that "with God, all things are possible".


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Cucumbermelon said:


> I’ve been sort of secretly telling myself for the past 6 months that 2020 is the last year I will spend this way. Life is TOO short and I know we both deserve better than this. I told him this today. We NEED counseling, or we might not make it.


Did you also tell him about the hygiene issues?

My husband always showers ahead of time if he has sex on his mind. While I do appreciate that he gets sweat and bad smells off, I've always been sad that he also washes off his pheromones. I want to smell him, not soap!

One more question regarding his not wanting sex with you: is he using up his sex drive with fantasy women, ie. porn?

One last try with marriage counseling is a good idea. He may or may not be honest with the counselor, but at least you are giving the marriage one more chance to improve.


----------



## Cucumbermelon (Jan 9, 2020)

Adelais said:


> Cucumbermelon said:
> 
> 
> > I’ve been sort of secretly telling myself for the past 6 months that 2020 is the last year I will spend this way. Life is TOO short and I know we both deserve better than this. I told him this today. We NEED counseling, or we might not make it.
> ...


To be honest I’m not sure about porn. For most of our relationship he lied to me and said he never looked at it until I found it on his phone. The things he looked at were the complete opposite of me too, like women with giant boobs where I have a B cup, so nothing even close to big. Also caught him looking at personal ads on Craigslist which he claims he only did to see the pictures. It made me really insecure for a while. I understand men have their fantasies but I’m not going to lie and say it didn’t hurt me on some level.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Cucumbermelon said:


> We haven’t had sex since June and this is the normal for us.
> My husband would definitely be up for having sex any time, but I am not.





Adelais said:


> is he using up his sex drive with fantasy women, ie. porn?


I don't advocate, condone, praise, or use porn. But, I think it is quite natural for someone to seek it for release in the absence of a normal marital sex life.

Many guys consider it "the lesser of evils", I don't subscribe to that self-justification, but I understand where someone may get that idea.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



TJW said:


> I don't advocate, condone, praise, or use porn. But, I think it is quite natural for someone to seek it for release in the absence of a normal marital sex life.
> 
> Many guys consider it "the lesser of evils", I don't subscribe to that self-justification, but I understand where someone may get that idea.


I understand the temptation as well. While I believe it is morally wrong, my reason for asking the OP if her husband is using porn wasn't because of moral reasons. I asked because she said that he doesn't seem to pursue her very hard for sex. He is meek in his pursuits. If he is getting it somewhere else (porn), that may be his reason for not pursuing her more aggressively and frequently.

If he showers, brushes his teeth and stops using porn (if he is using it) her sex issues would be solved. If he is just meek, and he showers and brushes his teeth, she might be more motivated to take the initiative to pursue him more aggressively and frequently.


----------



## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I think your husband hasn't been respectful or loyal to your marriage.

In many posts here on TAM many talk about how no one should put up with infidelity, yet other destructive problems are forced to be fixed or the person should be given second or third chances.

If my husband didn't care about his hygiene, I would feel cheated. If my husband showed no interest in being intimate with me I would feel cheated. Finding out my husband was looking at Craiglist personal ads it would make me feel cheated. 

If you feel your husband is not 100% committed to you or the marriage why staying with him then? 

I understand in a marriage husbands and wives are together in sickness and in health, but one thing is dealing with a problem out of your control and another is when a person is capable of changing negative behaviors. If your husband has mental health issues, then he's going to need support finding help but it's up to him to follow the advice and treatment. You can support him, but he needs to be responsible of his own treatment. He's responsible of his own hygiene. He's not your child.

I really admire your patience and endurance, but what are you going to do about it? Have you asked your husband to take showers more often? How direct have you been with him? 

Like I said, you can talk and be supportive of your husband but it's his choice if he wants to change, and it's your choice to stay with him or not. 

I won't blame you if you decide to leave, though.


----------



## Cucumbermelon (Jan 9, 2020)

pastasauce79 said:


> I think your husband hasn't been respectful or loyal to your marriage.
> 
> In many posts here on TAM many talk about how no one should put up with infidelity, yet other destructive problems are forced to be fixed or the person should be given second or third chances.
> 
> ...


I have been direct with him. I said to him countless times “you need to shower every day” he works a strenuous job, so it’s not like he goes and sits in an office all day, he gets sweaty. I’ve also said “I hate having to ask my husband when the last time he showered is, I feel like your mother”. Its bad when you never know when the last time he brushed his teeth was. Ugh. I forced him to go to the dentist about a year ago and he said she had to use a heavy duty tool to crack all of the Tatar off his teeth🤢 he has a permanent retainer in, and at one point he couldn’t even feel or see it anymore due to the plaque and tartar build up on it. I feel so bad sharing this, I’ve never told anybody out of fear of embarrassing him. Also I don’t want my friends and family to know these things. I feel like they’d definitely judge.

Calling a counselor tomorrow ....
Not just for us, but for me too. I need help sorting through how I’m feeling.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Cucumbermelon said:


> I have been direct with him. I said to him countless times “you need to shower every day” he works a strenuous job, so it’s not like he goes and sits in an office all day, he gets sweaty. I’ve also said “I hate having to ask my husband when the last time he showered is, I feel like your mother”. Its bad when you never know when the last time he brushed his teeth was. Ugh. I forced him to go to the dentist about a year ago and he said she had to use a heavy duty tool to crack all of the Tatar off his teeth🤢 he has a permanent retainer in, and at one point he couldn’t even feel or see it anymore due to the plaque and tartar build up on it. I feel so bad sharing this, I’ve never told anybody out of fear of embarrassing him. Also I don’t want my friends and family to know these things. I feel like they’d definitely judge.
> 
> Calling a counselor tomorrow ....
> Not just for us, but for me too. I need help sorting through how I’m feeling.


Just wow!! Horrible


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Cucumbermelon said:


> I have been direct with him. I said to him countless times “you need to shower every day” he works a strenuous job, so it’s not like he goes and sits in an office all day, he gets sweaty. I’ve also said “I hate having to ask my husband when the last time he showered is, I feel like your mother”. Its bad when you never know when the last time he brushed his teeth was. Ugh. I forced him to go to the dentist about a year ago and he said she had to use a heavy duty tool to crack all of the Tatar off his teeth🤢 he has a permanent retainer in, and at one point he couldn’t even feel or see it anymore due to the plaque and tartar build up on it. I feel so bad sharing this, I’ve never told anybody out of fear of embarrassing him. Also I don’t want my friends and family to know these things. I feel like they’d definitely judge.
> 
> Calling a counselor tomorrow ....
> Not just for us, but for me too. I need help sorting through how I’m feeling.


Instead of parenting him, make it clear that he’s making a choice. By doing this, he’s choosing to be divorced soon. Don’t tell him what to do, tell him what will happen if he continues on this path. “Husband, I’m not going to stay married to you much longer if you don’t take your personal hygiene seriously.”

PS: ugh. You’re a saint for sticking it out as long as you have.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

His parents paid for braces on his teeth and a permanent retainer and this is how he treats them? I know his orthodontist explained how very important it is for him to take special care with brushing and flossing to protect his teeth because the wire will trap bacteria and plaque builds up. 

He could wind up having to have crowns put on those teeth and another retainer. I don't know where you live, but in California you'd be looking at about $8,000 for 4 teeth. And, if he has to get implants - about $25,000.

If he doesn't care about hygiene, maybe he'll care about his 
wallet.

At some point, your kids are going to say "Daddy, you stink!" and knowing kids it will be at a most inopportune time.

eta: Trust me, your friends and family know he stinks. They probably think you've lost your sense of smell.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Cucumbermelon said:


> I actually shudder and feel sick when I think about having sex. I could cry because that’s how badly I don’t want to do it.


There must be days when he does shower and clean up, yet the above is how you feel on all days. This is on you.

I've been on the other side of this and it is awful.

Maybe this has something to do with why he is depressed.

You may think its going ok, but it is not, you better make changes quickly.

Go see a counselor that focuses on this type of thing specifically.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Maybe if you gave him more sex, he would take more showers? Have you considered the poor fellow has no reason to bother with personal hygiene, since he can't get any?


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Marduk said:


> Cucumbermelon said:
> 
> 
> > I have been direct with him. I said to him countless times “you need to shower every day” he works a strenuous job, so it’s not like he goes and sits in an office all day, he gets sweaty. I’ve also said “I hate having to ask my husband when the last time he showered is, I feel like your mother”. Its bad when you never know when the last time he brushed his teeth was. Ugh. I forced him to go to the dentist about a year ago and he said she had to use a heavy duty tool to crack all of the Tatar off his teeth🤢 he has a permanent retainer in, and at one point he couldn’t even feel or see it anymore due to the plaque and tartar build up on it. I feel so bad sharing this, I’ve never told anybody out of fear of embarrassing him. Also I don’t want my friends and family to know these things. I feel like they’d definitely judge.
> ...


Or just say, no sex unless you take a shower and brush teeth. If that doesn't spur him into activity then I'm at a loss.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey @Cucumbermelon, I’ve just read your initial post and haven’t seen any of the replies yet, so my advice may already have been given. For what it’s worth, here are my 2 cents:

You guys have a sexless marriage, and for some reason, you think it’s mostly your fault. However, you’re married to an unhygienic man, and you’ve told him how much this bothers you, to no avail. Have you actually sat him down and said, “not showering and not brushing your teeth grosses me out, and I have a really hard time getting past that to pleasure you. If you would like to be part of a marriage with an active sex life, please start showering and brushing your teeth regularly.”? Maybe he truly doesn’t understand how much this bothers you…? 

When I was married, it was to a man with atrocious breath. He was clean, and brushed twice a day, but he had post nasal drip which made his breath smell like rubber. To boot, he was a mouth breather, and it disgusted me to the point of gagging. So, I get it, and would feel the same way that you feel.

I would talk to him openly and calmly, and then see where things go from there. It would have to be a permanent change though, and he would have to understand that. If he’s in his 30s, this really shouldn’t be a problem to begin with though.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Or just say, no sex unless you take a shower and brush teeth. If that doesn't spur him into activity then I'm at a loss.


If he doesn't want to have sex with her, it either won't matter or will be fulfilling it's intended purpose which will be to get her to not initiate sex.

My read is that he's actively pushing everyone around him away and using disgust to do it. Why, I have no idea. It could be depression, it could be mental illness, it could be that he's just a slob.

Or it could be that he wants to get dumped and is trying to get her to do it so he won't be the bad guy. Imagine him telling people "she said I was disgusting and divorced me, what a *****! Feel sorry for me, I'm the good guy victim here."


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Marduk said:


> UpsideDownWorld11 said:
> 
> 
> > Or just say, no sex unless you take a shower and brush teeth. If that doesn't spur him into activity then I'm at a loss.
> ...


Well, she said he wants it whenever he can get it, but he doesn't initiate aside from some suggestions. So, when he makes the suggestion, make her own and then do the dirty (without the dirt). Now if bad personal hygiene trumps sex, he may either not be attracted or just has a serious mental disorder.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Maybe if you gave him more sex, he would take more showers? Have you considered the poor fellow has no reason to bother with personal hygiene, since he can't get any?


Seriously? So are you saying men in their 30s who aren't "getting any" have no reason to bother with personal hygiene?? Okay. I'd like to hear from other men on this forum about how the only reason in life and society to take a shower and brush your teeth is if you are having regular sex in your life. Gross. Crossing fingers that I never run across a sexless man in an elevator or in close quarters because it sounds really gross if none of them are going to be brushing their teeth or showering.

Really, I know kids in elementary school who don't even know what sex is who brush their teeth and want to take a shower or bath because having ****ing crusty teeth and a stinking body is disgusting.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Cucumbermelon said:


> Also caught him looking at personal ads on Craigslist which he claims he only did to see the pictures. It made me really insecure for a while. I understand men have their fantasies but I’m not going to lie and say it didn’t hurt me on some level.


This would be a huge concern and red flag for me.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Livvie said:


> UpsideDownWorld11 said:
> 
> 
> > Maybe if you gave him more sex, he would take more showers? Have you considered the poor fellow has no reason to bother with personal hygiene, since he can't get any?
> ...


I'm just saying maybe he likes it. Kinda like when your own farts smell pleasantly bad but other people's farts are just gross. I don't get it either, but I'm just throwing it out there. Maybe 7 years of no sex would change my mind... hope I never find out.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Ursula said:


> This would be a huge concern and red flag for me.


Yeah...as a general rule literally no one peruses personal ads, dating profiles, or escort ads for the pictures. I still can't believe people actually buy that as an excuse. Whatever you're into, Google can serve it up for you. You don't need to go looking at ads for pics. If your significant other is looking at stuff like that. They are shopping. The only question you should have is if they found any takers. If its escort ads automatically assume they've been there and done that before.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Well, she said he wants it whenever he can get it, but he doesn't initiate aside from some suggestions. So, when he makes the suggestion, make her own and then do the dirty (without the dirt). Now if bad personal hygiene trumps sex, he may either not be attracted or just has a serious mental disorder.


Perhaps. I'm purely speculating.

However, take the following scenario as a thought experiment:

You're very passive-aggressive. You're low desire. You'll have sex with your wife when she asks for it, but only because you feel bad about saying no. You also don't really value personal hygiene, but have kept up appearances enough to find a woman that will marry you.

He may have discovered that letting showering and brushing his teeth go has also dramatically reduced the amount his wife asks for sex, which means he doesn't have to have sex with her. He's relieved by it, and it provides a convenient misleading excuse for the real problem. The browsing of personal adds is an attempt to see if other women trigger a sexual response from him when his wife doesn't.

It fits the data provided.

Or, he wants her to leave him. That also fits the data provided.

Or, he's mentally ill or depressed. That also fits the data.

Lastly, he's just a slob and literally doesn't care about his wife or anybody else around him. That also fits the data.

I'll leave it up to @Cucumbermelon to see if any of that resonates.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Livvie said:


> er run across a sexless man in an elevator or in close quarters because it sounds really gross if none of them are going to be brushing their teeth or showering.


Spend any time in Europe?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Livvie said:


> Seriously? So are you saying men in their 30s who aren't "getting any" have no reason to bother with personal hygiene?? Okay. *I'd like to hear from other men on this forum about how the only reason in life and society to take a shower and brush your teeth is if you are having regular sex in your life.* Gross. Crossing fingers that I never run across a sexless man in an elevator or in close quarters because it sounds really gross if none of them are going to be brushing their teeth or showering.
> 
> Really, I know kids in elementary school who don't even know what sex is who brush their teeth and want to take a shower or bath because having ****ing crusty teeth and a stinking body is disgusting.


OK that's one tall order. I just recently read about a woman who hadn't showered in a month. The replies were split between she's depressed and she's mentally ill. Strangely the men tended to lean to mental illness.

I have some depression, Inadequate sexual activity, A spouse who ignores me. But we both shower every day. With actual soap! And toothpaste. Obviously I'm not doing it to get sex or acceptance. Perhaps I just like hot water? Maybe I just do depression wrong. I feel better after showering. On days that all I want to do is sleep, I'll wander in to the bath for a scrub and fresh clothes, even if they're pajamas. 

I'm leaning towards some sort of mental illness.


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## Cucumbermelon (Jan 9, 2020)

re16 said:


> Cucumbermelon said:
> 
> 
> > I actually shudder and feel sick when I think about having sex. I could cry because that’s how badly I don’t want to do it.
> ...


Yes, you’re right a large part of this is on me. I don’t think I said otherwise. I’m just saying that the hygiene is a huge turn off. Also, when we do have sex it’s SO predictable and BORING. Not enjoyable at all for me. And yes I have asked him to do different things in the bedroom but he’s not interested.




UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Maybe if you gave him more sex, he would take more showers? Have you considered the poor fellow has no reason to bother with personal hygiene, since he can't get any?


Hmm. Could be the reason but I highly doubt it. Either way it’s not an excuse to not be a clean person.


----------



## Cucumbermelon (Jan 9, 2020)

Ursula said:


> Cucumbermelon said:
> 
> 
> > Also caught him looking at personal ads on Craigslist which he claims he only did to see the pictures. It made me really insecure for a while. I understand men have their fantasies but I’m not going to lie and say it didn’t hurt me on some level.
> ...





ReformedHubby said:


> Ursula said:
> 
> 
> > This would be a huge concern and red flag for me.
> ...



Yeah I definitely believe there was more to it than that. I don’t think he ever cheated but I think he was entertaining the idea in his head - even if he never really had intentions of going through with it. We haven’t been in counseling since all of that went down, so I think it’s something we need to work through this time around.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Cucumbermelon said:


> Yes, you’re right a large part of this is on me. I don’t think I said otherwise. I’m just saying that the hygiene is a huge turn off. Also, when we do have sex it’s SO predictable and BORING. Not enjoyable at all for me. And yes I have asked him to do different things in the bedroom but he’s not interested.


I sort of thought the hygiene thing was a little bit of a red herring here. Not that it's unimportant, but it's not _really_ the major issue here, is it? I mean, you could get him to clean up and come to bed, but then it would just be boring and predictable.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Cucumbermelon said:


> Also, when we do have sex it’s SO predictable and BORING. Not enjoyable at all for me.


Have you directly told him this?


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Cucumbermelon said:


> Also, when we do have sex it’s SO predictable and BORING. Not enjoyable at all for me. And yes I have asked him to do different things in the bedroom but he’s not interested.


Sometimes a couple is incompatible because the man doesn't really know what to do to please the woman, the man isn't open to being taught or learning through trial and error, and the woman doesn't like to have to take the lead during sex (or the man refuses to allow her to do so). So while maybe you could show him what you want to do, your taking the lead to that extent would spoil it for you mentally even what the two of you were doing physically was more to your liking.

Not sure there is an answer to that sort of incompatibility.


----------



## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Yeah, how many of you men have a wife that hasn't brushed her teeth in who knows how long and has a permanent retainer which she's not able to find due to plaque and tartar build up?

Also, how many of you have a wife who has a physical job and doesn't shower every day? 

I'm sorry but the husband has a big hygiene issue (sounds like a mental health issue) that has nothing to do with boredom or missmatch libido.

If the guy can't even pick up a tooth brush, or take a shower frequently, do you think he is going to put any effort at having sex? That's why the poor wife is bored!! 

But, I think OP is lucky because can you imagine, on top of not being clean him expecting to be intimate with her every day? 

There's no way I can kiss, much less have sex with Oscar the grouch! No gracias!


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Not clear to me whether the poor hygiene is the cause or the reaction.

When my wife and I were not getting along, I worked late every night. Whether the work was urgent or not. I wanted to minimize our interaction, so I stayed away until it was time to pick up one of the kids from a team practice or activity. That way I walked into the house with one or both kids and I could pretend that her warm welcome for them included me.

So if someone had suggested that, for us to have more sex, I needed to be home more, they would have been correct. But the causation was in the opposite direction. She had a hostile attitude toward me as her way of dissuading me from making sexual advances. And I stayed away to reduce the negativity. Now that we aren't having any sex at all, so she does not feel threatened, she treats me very nicely. And I am motivated to get home earlier. Correlation does not necessarily imply causation.

Maybe her husband is using poor hygiene as a passive-aggressive way of eliminating sex from their relationship. Or eliminating his feeling inadequate when they have sex. This way he tells himself the lack of sex is her fault for turning him down rather than his fault for being lousy in bed.


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## Cucumbermelon (Jan 9, 2020)

re16 said:


> Cucumbermelon said:
> 
> 
> > Also, when we do have sex it’s SO predictable and BORING. Not enjoyable at all for me.
> ...


Not in those words. He is really insecure and it would not go well. 



Holdingontoit said:


> Cucumbermelon said:
> 
> 
> > Also, when we do have sex it’s SO predictable and BORING. Not enjoyable at all for me. And yes I have asked him to do different things in the bedroom but he’s not interested.
> ...


I think you’re right. We may be incompatible in the bedroom. I want someone who tells me I’m hot/sexy and they want me. I want someone to have their way with me rather than the same old sex over and over. It’s literally the same order of things every time unless i change it up. Now I need to figure out if I can live with it for the rest of my life. The hygiene does NOT help anything though 



pastasauce79 said:


> Yeah, how many of you men have a wife that hasn't brushed her teeth in who knows how long and has a permanent retainer which she's not able to find due to plaque and tartar build up?
> 
> Also, how many of you have a wife who has a physical job and doesn't shower every day?
> 
> ...


I’m glad someone gets where I’m coming from...


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

What about the scenario where, by unfortunate circumstance, each partner has put themself into a space where sex, without intention, just kind of dies? And because it's simultaneous, with neither partner actively seeking to make things different because each has his or her own little issue at the time, it creates its own momentum, without the normal reactionary force from the partner who isn't getting what they want?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@Cucumbermelon , 

Re your response:

Posted by Cucumbermelon
Also, when we do have sex it’s SO predictable and BORING. Not enjoyable at all for me.

and another member's question and response:

Have you directly told him this?

Not in those words. He is really insecure and it would not go well.


Here's the hard part, the work.

You have to tell him this.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @Cucumbermelon ,
> 
> Re your response:
> 
> ...


There is no way something will get fixed if you don't communicate it is a problem and the full extent of the problem.


----------



## hilariouslaughter (Jan 15, 2020)

I would like to clarify what I comprehend to be the facts based on the original poster's words in the opening and following posts…

The original poster is married to a man with whom she is not having much sex. This man has always had a problem with high gene and motivation: however he hid it well before they moved in together and while they were in the honeymoon phase of the relationship.

In other words, tossing Hi Jean out the window was not a response to anything in their relationship. It was a pre existing habit of the man's that was present before they even met but somewhat well hidden.

W they moved in together and she was already in trenched in the relationship, this badd Hi Jean, along with other problems, came to light. She continued in the relationship and tried to make the best of it in spite of the stinkyness lol

They do not have sex very often. He would like more sex but does not initiate. This leads me to believe that when they were having more sex, she was doing most of the initiating. However, as the years have passed, here is terrible Hi Jean, along with the fact that he does not seem to care about her pleasure in the bedroom, has made the original poster less and less inclined to have sex with him

V original poster wishes she could get over how badd he smells and how nasty he is, but it is hard for her. She also wishes that when they did have sex, he cared whether or not it was mutually satisfying.

In reading between the lines of all that the original poster has stated, it appears as if her husband is generally lazy in addition to being very unsanitary. He want to have sex in spite of his dirtiness, and he wants her to make the move to initiate. The original poster has grown weary of this arrangement.

If at least 85% of what I have laid out years accurate, then it does not appear that this is the case of a poor deprived man who gave up brushing his teeth because his wife would not have sex with him. This logically appears to be a case where a nasty, lazy man expects his wife to bed him down anyway.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

*Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)*



dadstartingover said:


> Men respond to bluntness. We're not that emotionally "intelligent", so we don't pick up on nuance. We also tend to fall asleep in a relationship and set aside all the things that made us attractive mates to begin with.
> 
> Just flat out tell him what you said here.
> 
> Or, if you want to be more passive-aggressive, shoot him my Dead Bedroom Fix book: https://www.dadstartingover.com/the-dead-bedroom-fix


I think there are three things we should look for when people speak:
The actual words, the motivation and the emotion.

It varies by people, circumstance etc. But, typically, men will place more emphasis on the word and less on the motivation and the emotion.


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