# Problems with My Wife’s Family



## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

About a year and a half ago, before my daughter went off to summer camp, my then 13 yo daughter “Susie” left some things on our kitchen table. One was her diary, which didn’t look like a normal diary. My wife “Celeste” peeked.

It turns out that one of our nieces confided in my daughter about how she and her younger sister have a tough life because of the way that their father (let’s call him Jay) treats them. Yelling, name calling, saying he’s going to kill them, etc. The older niece also admitted that she’s been “cutting.”

My wife spoke with her other sister (let’s call her Betty) about it, who said that she should bring the information to the sister with the kids at issue (let’s call her Jeri). My wife invited Jeri over and showed her the diary entry. Jeri was dismissive and explained it all away as misunderstandings. For example, when my niece said that he says that he will kill them, it was one time that he said if you spill that nail polish on the kitchen seat I’ll kill you. And she saw the so-called cutting and they were just “cute little scratches.”

After months of Betty and Jeri cajoling my wife to not tell her parents about the information (and my wife blocking me from getting involved because it’s her family), my daughter reported the information to her therapist and the Dean of her school. Both the therapist and school reported it to Child Protective Services.

Finally, my wife went to her father with the information. Her sisters met with her father separately a couple days later and said that while things weren’t perfect in their households in the past, everything has been perfect for the last 18 months, it’s all in the past, and the situation was all my fault and that I’d reported it to CPS. Her parents essentially sided with her sisters.

Throughout the process, my wife refused to say much of anything to her family. She wouldn’t denounce them and wouldn’t let me denounce them. I asked her whether, if the roles were reversed with my family and they blamed her for everything, if it would be acceptable if I simply went silent and didn’t defend her. She admitted it would be unacceptable, but she claims it’s different because my family is different, yada yada.

Last fall, during all this, my wife connected the dots on some issues involving my daughter Susie.

My daughter had been seeing things, feeling that she was worthless and that we wouldn’t protect her. She hated being in the neighbors’ van because their kids would watch Home Alone on DVD and the movie scared her. She wouldn’t go to the bathroom alone with the door closed until she was age 9 or something.

I came home last fall and my wife told me she thinks she knows why all of these things happened. When Susie was 2 yo, my wife and her sister left and went shopping with Jay watching the girls. When my daughter and her cousin made a mess in the bed, he came upstairs and determined that Susie was the one responsible. As punishment, he locked Susie in the dark in the bathroom. My daughter remembers flashes of Jay coming into the room, being locked in the bathroom, pounding on the door and screaming, and we never came to save her.

When my wife finally came to their house, she asked, “where is my daughter?” Jay said in there, pointing at the bathroom. She found our daughter hyperventilating, with jagged breaths as if she had cried for a long time.

My wife connected the dots and realized that all of the mental issues suffered by my daughter was caused by the traumatic abuse inflicted by Jay. 

My wife and I had agreed to let my FIL look into the situation and abide by whatever decision he made. But when I learned that my daughter was also a victim, I called my FIL and told him that the agreement if off. He’d promised that if there was any abuse, he would run Jay off. When I told him about what happened, he said he’s not sure what happened because he’d spoken with my niece (who was 2 yo at the time) and she clearly remembered that she could see Susie sitting on the edge of the tub crying and that the light was on and the bathroom door was open. 

When I told him what my wife said happened that night, he replied, “Celeste was there?” I knew he’d believe it if he heard it from her. I asked my wife to call her father and tell him what happened. She did, said now he’s going to have to destroy that family and he knows what it’s like to be raised without a father, then he went out of control screaming, calling her names and insulting her and yelling at her as never before.

Fast forward to this past spring. My wife wasn’t sure what to do with her family, and thought perhaps we could reconcile. I asked my daughter and she was adamantly opposed. When I heard that, I knew there would be no reconciliation. Despite my wife blocking me, I knew I had to make a stand for my mental health.

My FIL’s favorite holiday is Easter. On the morning of Good Friday, I sent him a withering text stating that he’d shown his true character, sided with his grandkids’ abuser over his grandkids, nailed Celeste and Susie’s wrists to the cross and sold them out for 30 pieces of silver. I informed him that he, my MIL and two SILs had excommunicated themselves from our family through their actions. They’re not welcome in my home and there can be no reconciliation without him admitting what he did and sincerely apologizing for it.

My wife has had some discussions with her father recently. He says he owes me no explanations and I spoke horribly to him but he will forgive me. While he’s right that he owes me no explanations, I put in writing the conditions for reconciliation and he’s refusing to do it. I hate going back on my word.

(My FIL was a great father and IMO my wife is his favorite. He was placed in an impossible position, with his evil wife and two evil daughters (with 3 of his 4 grandkids) ganging up to manipulate him, per usual. I think he calculated that he would lose the rest if he sided with Celeste, but if he sided with them Celeste would forgive him.)

If my daughter was one of Jay’s victims and she isn’t willing to rug sweep the situation, should I go along with reconciling with him without any admission of wrongdoing for the sake of my wife?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your wife’s family is really ****ed up and what’s the story with her father? Is he some sort of demigod that everyone bows down to?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> Your wife’s family is really ****ed up and what’s the story with her father? Is he some sort of demigod that everyone bows down to?


My wife thought he would do the right thing if she gave him the evidence. He didn’t. 

Yeah, he acted kind of like the Godfather in this situation.

When I met my wife, she came from an intact family, one sister was married with a newborn and the other in a relationship that would lead to marriage. Seemed like a great family.

I thought at the time: Intact family, she loves her father, she has a college degree. Odds of divorce look low. We decided to get married after 3 months. I had no idea just how messed up things were below the surface.

FIL got MIL pregnant when she was 17 and he was 18. Married to “do the right thing.” MIL had already broken up with him when she learned she was pregnant. They are terrible for each other, like oil and water. Multigenerational abuse on both sides.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I'm confused, your wife just remembered this happened to your daughter 12 years ago, what happened at the time when she found your daughter locked in a dark bathroom hyperventilating? Why was this Jay character not cut off from any and all contact with your family at the time?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Hi Craig,

Thanks for sharing your issue with us. You are in quite a bad position unfortunately.

Blood is thicker than water and reason. While it may be easy for us to give reasonable and logical answers to the issue it is very unlikely to be helpful. In the end there is only one real answer…. complete removal of toxic elements from your life. Unfortunately your wife has to be onboard with this and I doubt that will happen. This will be a big pile of family chit that they will continue to play in even if only under the surface. This type of resentment never goes away.

Outside of the above I will only say that the message of conditions you sent to FIL was a real bad idea if you can’t stick to them. 

One last thing: I completely cut off my entire family for a lot less than what you are facing. About 3 years later they decided they could act like normal people and I very slowly let them back in and things are great these days.

Good luck and I sincerely mean it 👍


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I'm confused, your wife just remembered this happened to your daughter 12 years ago, what happened at the time when she found your daughter locked in a dark bathroom hyperventilating? Why was this Jay character not cut off from any and all contact with your family at the time?


Better yet, why didn’t we cut him out when he showed up drunk and drugged out at the day care center around that same time? When I had to stand in front of his running car while holding one of my nieces so that he wouldn’t drive off with the baby niece inside the car? I guess we prioritized family unity too highly. 

I vaguely remember Celeste coming home, her face pale with shock, telling me she found our daughter in the dark bathroom. I remember replying that at least she’s only 2 and won’t remember it. I was so wrong about that…

No, my wife didn’t just remember it. I had started a list of all the bad things Jay had done for my wife to provide to her Dad. When I remembered and wrote down the bathroom incident, I asked my daughter if she had heard about that happening to her. I was shocked that she remembered parts of it. My wife was thinking about that when she suddenly connected the dots.

For years we had tried to get our daughter help. The doctors would always make me leave the room to ask my daughter if she’d been sexually abused. We couldn’t figure out what traumatic event had caused those symptoms until, suddenly, everything clicked for my wife. When she told me, I instantly knew she was right. The timing lined up perfectly.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

CraigBesuden said:


> Better yet, why didn’t we cut him out when he showed up drunk and drugged out at the day care center around that same time? When I had to stand in front of his running car while holding one of my nieces so that he wouldn’t drive off with the baby niece inside the car? I guess we prioritized family unity too highly.
> 
> I vaguely remember Celeste coming home, her face pale with shock, telling me she found our daughter in the dark bathroom. I remember replying that at least she’s only 2 and won’t remember it. I was so wrong about that…
> 
> ...


It sounds like your wife's family has a whacked out dynamic. It comes across as her father is kind of controlling since things seem to go through him but it also sounds like he just caves to his wife and daughters. Maybe he is just in a bad spot stuck in the middle trying to keep his family together, but this Jay dude should be gone from your life if that means your SIL is also so be it. Maybe you can get your wife on board with a trial separation of sorts from her family while you focus on your daughters mental health. I think that may be good for you all to gain some perspective on the whole dynamic. I think you're right about that experience being the source of her issues. Thats also the type of thing that child developmental psychologists deal with regularly.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re seeing the result of what is very likely multi-generational dysfunction and abuse. Who knows how far back that goes. They aren’t likely going to change. I wouldn’t have anything to do with them but your wife will. Now that you know what you’re dealing with you can make your decision.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

CraigBesuden said:


> About a year and a half ago, before my daughter went off to summer camp, my then 13 yo daughter “Susie” left some things on our kitchen table. One was her diary, which didn’t look like a normal diary. My wife “Celeste” peeked.
> 
> It turns out that one of our nieces confided in my daughter about how she and her younger sister have a tough life because of the way that their father (let’s call him Jay) treats them. Yelling, name calling, saying he’s going to kill them, etc. The older niece also admitted that she’s been “cutting.”
> 
> ...


Hell NO! My wife cut her mom off for 7-8 years and would not see her for her roll in her and brothers abuse by their dad.


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