# What do y'all think of this?!?!



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

This is probably my longest post ever. This is something that bothers me a lot & I can't seem to get past. It's a long story. I tried to make it as brief as possible. 

Me & my H have always been best friends. We share everything. Our hopes & dreams, Fears & worries. neither of us has ever really had a close friend other than each other. If either of us had a problem we would go to the other, Talk it over & figure out together how to solve it. So with that being said. Here's where I'm going with this.

When my H started talking to OW he told her to look us up on FB we have a joint account. So she sends us a friend request. Every time he gets on the computer he calls me in there & says look what she put on here. You should like that or say this. If you got to know her you would really like her. things like that.

Every time me or him get on there she pops up on chat & starts talking to us. next thing I know he is spending hours a day in there talking to her at first it seemed innocent enough. Then just went to outright flirting. I've never been the jealous type, But I start to get pissed. I told him that I didn't like her, What they were doing was inappropriate & I wanted him to stop talking to her.

After a big blow up, Him telling me she was married & I was crazy he agreed, Only to start texting & talking on the phone behind my back. Then she starts calling me. Asking if he enjoyed his "FISHING TRIP" Trying to get me to talk about our sex life. He keeps pushing her on me. Telling me what a good person she is & how she would make me a good friend & that she reminds him of me, That we are a lot alike. by this time they're meeting after work.

He involves me in the A & starts inviting her to go places with us. Telling me, Her H is a work-alcoholic & shes lonely. I should call her during the day & get her to go places with me. Getting me to look up love songs & make him cd's (For them) He even talked about inviting her to go on vacation with us. By this time we were fussing about her constantly & he was still inviting her to our home. 

I feel like he was so proud of her that he couldn't hide it. He felt the need to share it with me. Like a child would show off a new toy. In some sick way does this mean I'm still his best friend or was he just rubbing it in my face. He says he don't know what he was thinking. I would like to know what you all think.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Guilt made him do this. He was presenting her to you so that you would validate that she is such a good person and not the skank that she is. Your husband is deceitful. These two are an act by themselves; really disgusting.

No, I don't think your husband is your best friend. He is neither a good husband nor a good friend. He betrayed you in the worst way. Build your self-esteem and see a psychologist to set your mind straight. My best wishes to you...


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Is this how you'd treat a best friend?:scratchhead:

He was being brazen, twisted and yes, he was rubbing your face in it. He was not only cake eating he was having you bake the cake for him. 

I don't know your whole story, sorry. Are you trying to reconcile?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

This has to be the most brazen and breathless example of gaslighting I have ever heard of. His gaslight is so string it even works on himself.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

My only response is: WTF!


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

kristin2349 said:


> Is this how you'd treat a best friend?:scratchhead:
> 
> He was being brazen, twisted and yes, he was rubbing your face in it. He was not only cake eating he was having you bake the cake for him.
> 
> I don't know your whole story, sorry. Are you trying to reconcile?


Kristin2349, 

Yes we are, But I'm having a hard time understanding how he could do me this way. It's not just the A but how he used me to help him & she went along with it as well..


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Wow thats a twisted **** job he did on you, best friend huh, in my past we would call that a blue falcon buddy's only half the word 

You can present this to him


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Maybe he wants a threesome?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mrs. Conan's ex did that to her as well. Even tried to move his OW in with them.

There is some kind of mania at play in these scenarios.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Maybe he wants a threesome?


That's what I thought. Had I gone along with it he would've moved her right on in, But he has been a good & faithful H for 33 years. What would make a man go from one extreme to the other like that. I'll never understand.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Devastated an lost said:


> That's what I thought. Had I gone along with it he would've moved her right on in, But he has been a good & faithful H for 33 years. What would make a man go from one extreme to the other like that. I'll never understand.


Have you asked him why did he do this FB thing? What was he hoping to accomplish? Does her husband know of their affair?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> That's what I thought. Had I gone along with it he would've moved her right on in, But he has been a good & faithful H for 33 years. What would make a man go from one extreme to the other like that. I'll never understand.


I would really want to figure that out if I were you.

I had a similar experience with my STBX and I couldn't agree to reconcile. He was pretty brazen about his changes but not about the OW (unless you count the clues that he left behind). But he went from being the person "least likely to" to the person who did, I could not forgive it. If he couldn't explain why or how he did it, how was I to know it wouldn't happen again?


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> Have you asked him why did he do this FB thing? What was he hoping to accomplish? Does her husband know of their affair?


He say's he's known her & her H for years they were customers of his. He's a mechanic. He thought she would make me a good friend. That's how it started out. & yes her H knows.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

How did you discover their affair? Your husband is either bold or stupid.

By the way, his response to you as that "she would make you a good friend" is a slap to your intelligence. I'd hate to see his definition of an enemy (my guess is "best friend").

I know that you have decided to reconcile and you have a 30 year old son with your husband. I would say to you that you have more resolve than I do. I'm 35 years married & 57 years old. I don't believe that I can be as forgiving as you are.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

kristin2349 said:


> I would really want to figure that out if I were you.
> 
> I had a similar experience with my STBX and I couldn't agree to reconcile. He was pretty brazen about his changes but not about the OW (unless you count the clues that he left behind). But he went from being the person "least likely to" to the person who did, I could not forgive it. If he couldn't explain why or how he did it, how was I to know it wouldn't happen again?


Now that it's over he's gone back to spending all his time with me & acting like my best friend again. Just like he use to be. I don't know what to think.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> How did you discover their affair? Your husband is either bold or stupid.


I checked his phone. Something I've never done in 33 years.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Now that it's over he's gone back to spending all his time with me & acting like my best friend again. Just like he use to be. I don't know what to think.


Ugh, I'm so sorry. It is confusing and painful I know. I do know that no reason they could ever give is going to make it hurt less. It is a selfish, crazy, and cruel thing to do to someone you claim to love. 

Are you in MC?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Devastated and Lost: How did your husband's affair ended? How do you feel about your relationship today? Has this changed you and in what way?


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Kristin, No I'm not, But I need to be

Roselyn, When I caught them. He called & ended it that day. Blocked her no. & went 100% transparent. As far as our relationship. We've been together since we were 16 I've never been with anybody else. Nor had he until she came along. I still Love him with all my heart, But I'm dead inside. I don't care about any of the things I use to enjoy. It feels like he ripped my very soul out. I can't see myself ever being truly happy ever again..


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

How long was this affair? I know that this affair went physical as you posted before that a friend of your son saw his father with the OW in his truck. What did the OW husband do? Who informed him of the affair and did he talk to you?

I'm sorry to hear about your pain. See a marriage counselor. You need to be happy again, for yourself.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

It lasted 6 months that I know of. I called the H but didn't tel him who I was. I don't know what he did, but he had a major job that my H was going to do for him & he never showed up for it. He has never let anybody else work on his truck.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are still in the early stages of R. It can take years (sometimes many) to move beyond betrayal because it's not something we ever expected to deal with. 

Sometimes you feel like you're drowning in "why". The answer is: there is no answer. It comes down to the fact that your husband saw an opportunity and took it (with an added twist that he wanted you to be friends with her and he's not the first to do that). He wasn't thinking of the impact on you because he didn't think you would find out. Now that you know, he wants things to go back to the way they were -- and quickly. He hasn't had to deal with betrayal so he doesn't know what it feels like (which is that your life has been destroyed). 

He just wants all of it over with and for you to go back to the way you were before this happened. But you have a long way to go. And it's not quick (and absolutely not easy). Healing is a very long process. Full of ups and downs. Counseling could help.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Roselyn said:


> Guilt made him do this. He was presenting her to you so that you would validate that she is such a good person and not the skank that she is. Your husband is deceitful. These two are an act by themselves; really disgusting.
> 
> No, I don't think your husband is your best friend. He is neither a good husband nor a good friend. He betrayed you in the worst way. Build your self-esteem and see a psychologist to set your mind straight. My best wishes to you...


Or a complete lack of understanding on his part?

I have been in a similar situation to you: "Oh, you'd really like him..."_ "Yeah, if he wasn't your bloody lover.._."


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

As I recall, he never rewrote your marital history or blamed you for his affair. He said he loved the two of you and that he always thought you were a wonderful person.

My take is very much like yours when you say that he was showing off a new toy. You and he were best friends for life and that hadn't changed in his mind. He always shared everything with you and she was just the latest thing.

I think it is twisted and a certain betrayal.

What does he say now about this?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

This all sounds horribly familiar. You're not alone. 

He's trying to get you to be friends to cover the affair better, and to alleviate his guilt.

Does this sound like the person you fell in love with? It sure doesn't sound like someone who is treating you the way you deserve.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Sorry, I hadn't read your subsequent reply to someone else that you were in the stages of R, and this behavior was in the past tense. I hope the process becomes a little easier for you. Wish I could offer guidance but this description sounds so similar to what I went through, it's scary, and I'm a little too biased to offer an objective take. Hope you find happiness down the road, in whatever form it takes.


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## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

My wife tried that with her fling. I knew the OM 10 years before she did, we all work for a school board. It started out by him just texting her that he was coming to the school to work on the air exchangers (HVAC tech) to see if she wanted a tea. That was his way of getting her phone number, next thing I knew they were texting often, in front me cause it was just chit chat at that point. One night she said he wanted us to go to his cottage with our camper some weekend. That was one of the big red flags that started my investigation. That was his way of getting her closer to him. Not hard to sneek away for a "boat ride" if I happen to leave for a bit to go pick something up. His wife would of been complely blind to it. A man and a woman are very rarely just tryin to become "friends". Not saying it can't happen but from what I have seen with my experience and what I heard from others, they are up to more then a friendship. Single woman have male friends and single men have female friends. That just does not work with married couples. Unless the friend is 100% gay.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

This is all so screwed up and totally inappropriate (that is not a strong enough word). And now he wants to go back to being your best friend? What have the consequences been for him, he seems to have not only carried on an A but rubbed your face in it too, and now wants to go back to before? 

Something is not right here. Your H needs a big dose of reality. He needs to know how much he has hurt you. I don't see any consequences for his actions at all.

I would ask for a temporary separation for the time being, (let him wait for you), get IC to get yourself sorted and then see if you want an R or not. What is to stop your so called 'best friend' doing this again? Do not be a walk over.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> That's what I thought. Had I gone along with it he would've moved her right on in, But he has been a good & faithful H for 33 years. What would make a man go from one extreme to the other like that. I'll never understand.


How has your marriage been? Are the fearful 50s affecting him or you? Have there been any changes in your sex life?

People in the throes of an infatuation, male or female, can act like total asses without realizing what they are doing.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Twisted.


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## itbeme (May 2, 2015)

I am sorry you are here with this. Would like to Know though if it is the same person as before? If so then it never ended completely, that's just from my own life experience. If it is the same person why are they still in contact with each other? Shoulda been a no-no.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Maybe he wants a threesome?


Bingo!... tell em what She's won Johnny.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Devastated an Lost: Any updates?


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Hi everybody,

Sorry I posted this & didn't get a chance over the three day weekend to get back on here. I only have a computer & every time I get on it he walks in to see what I'm doing.

itbeme,
This was back when the A was happening. He hasn't had any contact with her since. 

alte Dame,
I think you hit the nail on the head. I think because we've always shared everything, He couldn't keep it from me. Now he says, He don't know what he was thinking or how he could do that to me & he's so afraid I can't forgive him. When he can't even forgive himself.

I recently found out that they went to her H's office & had sex. This new info. just threw me back to D-day & I started thinking about all the disrespect that they went about this with. It caused me to lose a lot of the respect that I still had for him. I thought he was a better man than that. Now I have new mind movies in my head.

I've seen him end friendships because he found out his buddy was having an A & he didn't want to be around somebody (In his words, That sorry) I guess that's what makes it so hard for me to understand & the WHY? & How could you do this to me is driving me crazy, Because he has no answer.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

*Re: Melbourne Event Photography*



shyna said:


> you would run around with the car air conditioning cranked down as far as it would go, roll down the window long enough to grab a shot,Melbourne Event Photography then close it again for fear of baking the film.


What does this mean?


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

This is so familiar with my STBX and me; when I assume the EA was starting, he would tell me how sorry he felt for her and how I should too. He would go over to her house and help her with household stuff and tried to push my children into spending time with her and her children. Wanted to take her on his family's hiking trips because she had never been on such a trip and wasn't that a shame?!? Really sick. I feel when it got physical, all of a sudden he didn't talk about her at all-nothing.

As some people have mentioned, it is all guilt. Here she is the prize woman and accept and be attracted to her just like I am!!

Just yuck.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

5Creed said:


> This is so familiar with my STBX and me; when I assume the EA was starting, he would tell me how sorry he felt for her and how I should too. He would go over to her house and help her with household stuff and tried to push my children into spending time with her and her children. Wanted to take her on his family's hiking trips because she had never been on such a trip and wasn't that a shame?!? Really sick. I feel when it got physical, all of a sudden he didn't talk about her at all-nothing.
> 
> As some people have mentioned, it is all guilt. Here she is the prize woman and accept and be attracted to her just like I am!!
> 
> Just yuck.


This sounds just like my H. He fixed every little thing she mentioned on her van. While I had plugs still in the bag that I begged him to put in my jeep the whole summer. He only put them in after D-day. When our son noticed they were still in my floorboard & knew that he worked on her van all the time. This made him very angry & he told me he would borrow the tools & come put them in for me that weekend. When I told my H he got mad & done it before our son could.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

*Re: Melbourne Event Photography*



Devastated an lost said:


> What does this mean?


Spam? Maybe malware embedded in the link?


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Where's everybody at today?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I have learned early in my marriage, not to let my husband exercise the "White Knight Syndrome". I've heard my mother tell too many tales to me about problems in marriages among her friends. My late mother was married to my father for over 60 years and first time marriage for the both of them; so I listened well.

There have been many times that co-workers, neighbors, and other women want my husband to help them with some repairs, etc. I always say "no". I tell them to hire someone with professional credentials for claims on insurance purposes.

On the other vein, I tell my husband not to work for others because if something goes wrong, we don't want a lawsuit in our hands. This has worked throughout my 35 years of marriage. In your case, your husband exercised the "White Knight Syndome". First, he sees his mistress to be needing a friend and does work for her; perfect coverup.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> I have learned early in my marriage, not to let my husband exercise the "White Knight Syndrome". I've heard my mother tell too many tales to me about problems in marriages among her friends. My late mother was married to my father for over 60 years and first time marriage for the both of them; so I listened well.
> 
> There have been many times that co-workers, neighbors, and other women want my husband to help them with some repairs, etc. I always say "no". I tell them to hire someone with professional credentials for claims on insurance purposes.
> 
> On the other vein, I tell my husband not to work for others because if something goes wrong, we don't want a lawsuit in our hands. This has worked throughout my 35 years of marriage. In your case, your husband exercised the "White Knight Syndome". First, he sees his mistress to be needing a friend and does work for her; perfect coverup.


My H is a mechanic, She was bringing her van to his shop almost every day. Just an excuse to spend time together, but just the same he fixed everything he could find at no charge of course & lets not forget they had to go for test drives to make sure it was fixed.. I didn't know this was going on until it was to late.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Did your husband converse with you on his everyday dealings with clients? My husband and I discuss our everyday events, just to catch up. If your husband mentioned her daily, that would have been a red flag for me.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Honestly Devestated, what this tells me is that your husband didn't think you would ever find out. If that was the case, her being close to both of you would assuage some of his guilt - because you liked her; and make his access to her more convenient at the same time.

But think about it. Would you have been less devastated if he was more deceitful and secretive from the start? If he had never even talked to you about her? One is as bad as the other from my standpoint.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> Did your husband converse with you on his everyday dealings with clients? My husband and I discuss our everyday events, just to catch up. If your husband mentioned her daily, that would have been a red flag for me.


No he didn't. He works on dozens of cars a day. I didn't know she was hanging around with him at work until his uncle told me months after d-day.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

@ badmemory,

I feel like he brought her into my life & watched her stab me in the back while he was sneaking off having fun with her. After 6 months I was starting to think of her as a friend. So not only did he hurt me. He brought her in my life so she could hurt me too. I do believe had I never met her it wouldn't have been as bad. I hate to admit it, Because I hate her so much now, But at the time I hurt over the loss of what I thought was a good friend.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Did you tell his uncle about his affair with this woman? His uncle must have known before you discovered this affair. Does your entire family and your husband's know of this affair? In the end, it is your husband who betrayed you in the worst manner that I can imagine.

You need to see a psychologist to help you with your self-esteem and understand yourself. You also need to see a marriage counselor as you have decided to stay in this marriage. You won't be able to move on without some type of closure.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> @ badmemory,
> 
> I feel like he brought her into my life & watched her stab me in the back while he was sneaking off having fun with her. After 6 months I was starting to think of her as a friend. So not only did he hurt me. He brought her in my life so she could hurt me too. I do believe had I never met her it wouldn't have been as bad. I hate to admit it, Because I hate her so much now, But at the time I hurt over the loss of what I thought was a good friend.





Devastated an lost said:


> Kristin, No I'm not, But I need to be
> 
> Roselyn, When I caught them. He called & ended it that day. Blocked her no. & went 100% transparent. As far as our relationship. We've been together since we were 16 I've never been with anybody else. Nor had he until she came along. I still Love him with all my heart, But I'm dead inside. I don't care about any of the things I use to enjoy. It feels like he ripped my very soul out. I can't see myself ever being truly happy ever again..




Devastated an lost,
I was not familiar with your situation but now that I have read this I want to tell you that I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is so disappointing after being together so long, from so young, and to be so well connected all these years. It is a very special thing and all the more rare these days.

I think you probably want so much to respect and admire your husband and he has chopped the roots of that tree with an ax and you feel like you are watching it die.

If it is any comfort, and I can only speak from what I have observed because I have not been through it, your respect for him can only be renewed as he distances himself form his behavior in his remorse and the painful self realizations that will continue to unfold.

Your partner has fallen and failed, he gave away something so precious for something so cheap and soiled, he used her to validate himself in the most selfish way and at your expense, if he has a human soul then that realization will be and ongoing source of torment to him. That is a consequence of his behavior and a part of his healing. The inner consequences for these things are so severe because the damage is so enormous.

Some people cant or wont face it and they become locked into their own selfish justifications, making intimacy with someone else all but impossible, they lock out what they desire most whether they realize it or not.. I know this sounds a bit esoteric but my point is, the most important thing he can do is to face the blatant reality of what he has done and show you how much he values you by being there for you.


My short answer to you question is this, everything he did, all the betrayal, disrespect, cheating and lying is about him, it was selfishness unleashed. The reasons; boredom, age, lust, excitement are only the motivations that he experienced in a very selfish, self serving state. There will never be a satisfying answer. How do you explain selfishness? Its a state of being and when given free reign it acts without regard to consequences. That is why so many WS's say they were acting outside themselves, i.e. the person who they had always been.. and it made no sense.

It is not a reflection on you or even on your relationship with each other, it was wholly him. I dont know how many people would agree with me but I believe people can be in a "bad place" and things happen from that bad pace that can be very out of character for a person (at least up to that point).

The commitment in marriage (and in society as well with regard to the law) is that you are an adult and it is on you to act and address your situation before you get to that "bad place".

If you are breaking into peoples houses to support your meth habit because you are in a bad place, you are still going to jail and someone else with structure your life for you so that your don't act out from that bad place.


That is what your husband must continue to do, to structure his life in a way that honors his commitment to you, take responsibility for the wrong he has done and demonstrate his remorse.

Its bold of me to say this but I think that will be the only basis you have as a option to renew your respect for him. He has revealed a weakness in his character that you were unaware of before, you will now have to factor that into your view of him, its a flaw that hurt everyone involved.

Your loss of happiness is palpable in what you wrote, ultimately it will be acceptance of the reality of this character flaw and his willingness to address it (along with forgiveness) that will eventually open the door to your happiness in you relationship together, but it will be like the loss of a loved one. You move on and smile at things you remember but it is tempered by at least some sense of loss. You collect joy and pain as you go through life and it shapes you in some measure. We seldom would chose the pain we know, but it is seldom our choice to experience it, we accept it, let it deepen us (if we are wise), and move on to connect with others in ways we could not before.

I was touched by what you have been posting and I wanted to try and offer something that may help. I really do wish you both well.
Take care.


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## optimalprimus (Feb 4, 2015)

Decorum said:


> Devastated an lost,
> I was not familiar with your situation but now that I have read this I want to tell you that I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is so disappointing after being together so long, from so young, and to be so well connected all these years. It is a very special thing and all the more rare these days.
> 
> I think you probably want so much to respect and admire your husband and he has chopped the roots of that tree with an ax and you feel like you are watching it die.
> ...


Wow - this is perhaps the best post I've ever read on TAM. To the OP, now is the time you have to show your inner strength - work on the marriage as you have chosen to do, but watch his actions carefully. 

If he is truly remorseful he will be quieter, more (too?) attentive, and suffer from a lack of confidence himself as he deals with his actions and not just their repercussions. Then ultimately you will have to decide if you can refresh your marriage with him or if things have changed and you are no longer growing together. 

we're all rooting for you.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Devastated, if I was treated like this, I'd be GONE, yesterday. I have a difficult time understanding exactly why I should be giving the time of day to a man that has taken me for a fool, repeatedly, in front of his mistress to boot. 

I sincerely hope that TAM can give you a healthy dose of self respect.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Devastated, I can't help but think that your husband is getting off lightly.
This man (your H) has betrayed you not with a one-night stand but a continuous relationship with a woman he tried to insidiously implant in your lives (to some success as you talk of her as a friend).

IMHO that is betrayal at the deepest level. He has absolutely no respect for you (never mind love).

He has betrayed your marriage and all those years together. Yes, we are all flawed as human beings but he has to know and feel the extent of the damage he has done to you. Words mean nothing, there has to be action.

You speak of reconciliation but I don't hear you talk of any remorse on your H behalf. There can never be true reconciliation unless there is remorse followed by forgiveness.
You are in deep deep pain and your WH should be on is knees begging you to give him another chance. He should be doing everything in his power to keep you. 

You have to consider leaving him because if this is easy on him based on this, he will probably do it again if the opportunity arise, wifey didn't put up such a fuss and well.....


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

@Decorum, 

What you said really helped me. My H has showed a lot of remorse. He's cried with me & ask what I need from him. That he will do what ever it takes. & he has bent over backwards to try & let me know how much I mean to him. I use to try & get him to talk to me. Now it's him trying to get me to talk to him. It's not like I'm being mean or hateful, I'm just zoned out. I don't want to be like this, But I can't seem to pull myself out of it.

You made me see what I couldn't figure out for myself. I saw him as perfect. I admired & respected him more than anyone in my life. He was my rock, my hero my everything. That's what I'm grieving for. I see now I need to lay my rose colored glasses down & see him for what he is. A man with flaws that's just as afraid as I am. All I could see was he had to know what this would do to me, But he didn't care. 

You helped me to see that he wasn't thinking about me. This wasn't about me at all. it was about him getting caught up in the moment. When I caught him he told me that he was glad, That it was like getting sucked into a tornado & he didn't know how to get out. I have thought about what everybody here has said. I need to stop focusing on what's been lost & start looking at what we still have & except the fact that it will never be like it was, But it can still be good. If I can just open my heart back up & move forward & stop looking back. Lord help me to be able to do it before it's to late. I just want to be happy again. Thanks everybody for the good advise..


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Devastated an lost said:


> *When I caught him he told me that he was glad, That it was like getting sucked into a tornado & he didn't know how to get out.*


After the initial shock, TT, and justification at DD, my fww said just about the same.

She had been secretly lying and cheating for years, multiple OM, and regardless of R or D it was evident that she was glad it was finally over. As the days passed to weeks, she said that cheating on me was _like being trapped in a "Pit" with no way out. _

How? Confession meant Divorce, Shame, Guilt, ridicule from family... vs the Attention, the Excitement, the Secret Thrill of the affair. She never confessed, lied to the end, it literally took a "Train Wreck" for it to end.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> Did you tell his uncle about his affair with this woman? His uncle must have known before you discovered this affair. Does your entire family and your husband's know of this affair? In the end, it is your husband who betrayed you in the worst manner that I can imagine.
> 
> You need to see a psychologist to help you with your self-esteem and understand yourself. You also need to see a marriage counselor as you have decided to stay in this marriage. You won't be able to move on without some type of closure.


Everybody at work knew, Because she was there all the time. When she was calling me everyday she would let little things slip. One time she mentioned his hair cut That I had given him the night before. After I caught them, I ask my H more than once if she was coming to see him at work & did everybody know about them. He works 30 miles from home. She lives a couple of blocks away. He swore to me the only time she came by was to get something fixed on her van.

After things died down a couple of months after D-day I wanted to know the truth so when I was talking to his uncle "who works with him-It's a family business" I said, I guess everybody already knows, Because she was coming to see him at work. Like I already knew about it. He said, Of course everybody knew. It ain't like they tried to hide it. If you wanted to know what was going on all you had to do was look in the parking lot. She was always there. So that's how I found out..


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Decorum said:


> Devastated an lost,
> I was not familiar with your situation but now that I have read this I want to tell you that I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is so disappointing after being together so long, from so young, and to be so well connected all these years. It is a very special thing and all the more rare these days.
> 
> I think you probably want so much to respect and admire your husband and he has chopped the roots of that tree with an ax and you feel like you are watching it die.
> ...


This is such a wonderful, insightful post. I can see why DanL says this has helped her.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Devastated an lost said:


> After things died down a couple of months after D-day I wanted to know the truth so when I was talking to his uncle "who works with him-It's a family business" I said, I guess everybody already knows, Because she was coming to see him at work. Like I already knew about it. He said, Of course everybody knew. It ain't like they tried to hide it. If you wanted to know what was going on all you had to do was look in the parking lot. She was always there. So that's how I found out..


Are you in marriage counseling with your husband? From the looks of this, your husband and his mistress didn't even hide it from the community. These two were basking in the sunshine while you were kept in a cave. Your humiliation is throughout your community. Everyone is watching to see how this drama unfolds. Have you spoken to your husband about the humiliation that he has subjected you and your son?

You have not answered if you and your husband are in marriage counseling or if you are seeing a psychologist yourself. You're going to be in torment for a very long time.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Devastated:
IMO, reconciliation or no, the WS and the BS need to separate, at least temporarily. gives the BS more time to think about what they really want, better access to their friends and familiy etc. And adultery is simply too serious an insult to the relationship for life to just go on as usual afterwards. the WS having to move out underscores that what they did demands that the marriage be well reconsidered, even if ultimately it survives. 

did you guys ever discuss separation?


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

@Roselyn

No, we're not in any kind of counseling for meany different reasons. The biggest being we can't afford it. He don't want to go to a preacher, Because he thinks it would be all about how he's sinned & trying to get him in church.


@nuclearnightmare

Yes, In the beginning I was going to leave. He begged me to stay & work it out. So that's what I did.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Devastated an lost said:


> No, we're not in any kind of counseling for meany different reasons. The biggest being we can't afford it. He don't want to go to a preacher, Because he thinks it would be all about how he's sinned & trying to get him in church.
> 
> In the beginning I was going to leave. He begged me to stay & work it out. So that's what I did.


Now this is the first thing you've said I have to call you out on. You say he BEGGED you to stay and work it out, but he 'doesn't want' to go to a preacher so he won't get preached at? 

Which is it?

Are you leading this by saying 'do what I need or I'm gone' or not? If he truly thought you would leave him, if he were truly remorseful, he would not have DARED to say no to that. He would have said 'when do we go, and what ELSE do you want me to do?'

Words are easy. Crying is easy. Actions, not words.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> Everybody at work knew, Because she was there all the time. When she was calling me everyday she would let little things slip. One time she mentioned his hair cut That I had given him the night before. After I caught them, I ask my H more than once if she was coming to see him at work & did everybody know about them. He works 30 miles from home. She lives a couple of blocks away. He swore to me the only time she came by was to get something fixed on her van.
> 
> After things died down a couple of months after D-day I wanted to know the truth so when I was talking to his uncle "who works with him-It's a family business" I said, I guess everybody already knows, Because she was coming to see him at work. Like I already knew about it. He said, Of course everybody knew. It ain't like they tried to hide it. If you wanted to know what was going on all you had to do was look in the parking lot. She was always there. So that's how I found out..


SO hard to read. SMH

Its like watching someone innocent being flogged with a cat o' nine tails. He should move heaven and earth to make this right. 

Set your boundaries clear and firm, and don't be afraid to make your expectations and requirements clear.

He chose to put you into this situation, its on him to fix it!

Take care.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

turnera said:


> Now this is the first thing you've said I have to call you out on. You say he BEGGED you to stay and work it out, but he 'doesn't want' to go to a preacher so he won't get preached at?
> 
> Which is it?
> 
> ...


D&L so sorry for the new mind movies. That sucks! This is why trickle truth is so dangerous because it CAN create multiple D-days for you and is why it is so important for WS to not do that to a BS. One Dday is bad enough. 

I see two issues here. Yes, Decorum nailed it that your perspective of your H needed to shift away from rosy and toward realism. To operate in a certain kind of grace, but it has to be balanced with accountability and Turnera makes an excellent point about actions over words. He should be willing to go to whomever you feel you need to heal and work through these issues with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Devastated an lost said:


> @Roselyn
> 
> No, we're not in any kind of counseling for meany different reasons. The biggest being we can't afford it. He don't want to go to a preacher, Because he thinks it would be all about how he's sinned & trying to get him in church.


Aha! This is one action that he must take to prove that he wants to work on your marriage. Make him go to the preacher, take his medicine about his sin, and get him to church. Every time he thinks of his mistress, he will think of the preacher! See the correlation? OP this one is free, so money is not a problem. Make him do it. So far, no consequence has been made for his affair. This will make your Wayward Husband a penitent.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Cheaters are good with their words,
watch their mouth moving and block it out
only see the ACTIONS.

Remember not the WORDS only the ACTIONs


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I want to thank everybody for taking the time to talk to me. I think I need to explain something. I will try to be brief, But I feel like you need to hear the whole story to understand it. It's very interesting & bizarre. I couldn't make this kind of stuff up.

When I found out about the A I'd been quit smoking for three years. I started back, Went to Dr. & got chantix I fell into a depression so bad I was going to kill myself. I was consumed by the A Over the next few days I got all my things in order. I cleaned out my clothes taking most of them to goodwill, Got all my life ins. Exc.. together & put them where my H could find them. When he left for work I went & got the refill on his blood pressure med. I had the pills in one hand & a glass of water in the other, When my son called. Only then did I think about what I was doing. All the while still smoking.

So I went & talked to my Dr. about the depression. He told me to stop taking the chantix I started getting better. So as time passed & everything was going well. I started to think I was already depressed when I started taking them. I'm ok now, So I'll try again. "I know crazy" It didn't take but a few days & I was right back where I was. Like D-day was yesterday. Only this time instead of wanting to kill myself I felt the overpowering need to have a RA. I stopped taking them as soon as I realized what they were doing.

After I stopped It's like I was in a fog. That's when I put this tread on here. It's been 5 days since I took one & my mind only started to clear up last night. I can't remember most of what I did over the last 5 days. I had to read what I wrote to even know what I've said here. My H told me a couple of outrageous things I said to him. I told him didn't remember what all I said & he said it was probably best that I didn't.

I was hesitant about putting this on here for fear you all would think I've lost my mind. But I wanted you all to know I'm feeling a lot better. The things I wrote here were real, But I dealt with them & had moved on as best I could. It's like I went back in time. I learned my lesson. I will never put another chantix in my mouth, But the good news is I haven't smoked a cig. in 2 weeks


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Why is there a life insurance on you? You are a SAHM with a grown up son. Does your husband have a life insurance? You could use this money on your life insurance for counseling instead?

Suzy Orman, the financial guru, advocates life insurance on the breadwinner, not the one who is taking care of the household who doesn't have a paycheck from an employer. In fact she advocates that you should take only a term life insurance for the breadwinner. It makes sense, especially if the budget is tight.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> Why is there a life insurance on you? You are a SAHM with a grown up son. Does your husband have a life insurance? You could use this money on your life insurance for counseling instead?
> 
> Suzy Orman, the financial guru, advocates life insurance on the breadwinner, not the one who is taking care of the household who doesn't have a paycheck from an employer. In fact she advocates that you should take only a term life insurance for the breadwinner. It makes sense, especially if the budget is tight.


We have a family plain that we took out years ago on both of us.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

D&L:

Did you know that Chantix is actually just a re-branded version of the anti-depressant Wellbutrin? It can have very strange side effects like what you are describing. Be careful with all new prescriptions, especially during a time like this when you are under so much stress.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm glad that you're feeling better.

We have to be so careful with medications. I was on a blood pressure medication that I didn't really need and it took me a long time to connect it with my feelings of depression. I went off of it & within 24 hours was feeling remarkably better.

We intuitively separate the 'physical' from 'what is in our heads,' but the mental aspect is biological and chemical as well. How could it be otherwise?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Roselyn said:


> Suzy Orman, the financial guru, advocates life insurance on the breadwinner, not the one who is taking care of the household who doesn't have a paycheck from an employer. In fact she advocates that you should take only a term life insurance for the breadwinner. It makes sense, especially if the budget is tight.


Wow, and what happens when the SAH parent dies? Who takes care of the kids _for free_? Most likely nobody, which means now there is the cost of day care for the kids. Life insurance on the SAH parent makes sense, in a large enough amount to pay for child care at least until the children are in their teens.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I'm just glad y'all don't think I'm crazy. I don't take any kind of meds other than synthroid for my thyroid. I guess I wasn't use to such a strong drug having never taken anything very strong before.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> I'm glad that you're feeling better.
> 
> We have to be so careful with medications. I was on a blood pressure medication that I didn't really need and it took me a long time to connect it with my feelings of depression. I went off of it & within 24 hours was feeling remarkably better.


Many meds have serious psych side effects. Most docs and nurses are not very familiar with side effects beyond the usual. This one gives people an upset stomach, so take it with food. That one can cause drowsiness.

I took an Rx anti-inflammatory for a back injury. Within 5 days I had to stop because it caused severe negative moods. The nurse said they'd never heard of it. Research online shows it is a fairly common side effect of those over age 50, but uncommon in younger people. Another med gave me severe high blood pressure. I stopped taking it and called the Dr's office. The nurse at the docs office said they'd never heard of that before. Again, via some research on the internet I found it is a known serious side effect and they should have sent me to the ER!

None of these were listed on the paper inserts that came with the meds. There is a big gap in the system. We have to watch out for ourselves very carefully with meds.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Thor: Their son is now 30 years old.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated

I'm so sorry for what you have been going through. My medication was also recently changed as I viewed death to be the only way to ease the pain. It is good that you are feeling better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I am very glad you are feeling better.

That Chantix is bad stuff.

Now that you are clear headed it will be easier to watch your H's ACTIONS accurately :grin2:


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Roselyn said:


> Thor: Their son is now 30 years old.


Well then it is time to stop paying for life insurance!


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> Thor: Their son is now 30 years old.


We only have a very small policy just enough coverage to bury us. Should anything happen to either of us it's one less thing to have to worry about.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm just glad y'all don't think I'm crazy. I don't take any kind of meds other than synthroid for my thyroid. I guess I wasn't use to such a strong drug having never taken anything very strong before.


I take synthroid myself, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak


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## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

Devastated: I have no advice for you, but I just wanted to say how sorry I'm to hear what you're going through. A couple of your posts put tears in my eyes. I just wanted to offer my support and I hope all goes well and you find a path to happiness which ever path you choose.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Thanks Gonecrazy

There have been some new developments. I'm not sure how I feel about. He has been offered a better job. We both hate where he is & we really need the money, Double what he's making now. The thing is it's within walking distance of OW's house. This scares me to death, But it's the chance of a life time & I don't want to be the one to hold him back. This is something we've been praying for.

Not only that, The secretary there is another one of his long time customers. Her H is in the army & in the past she has called my H meany times to stop by & look at her lawnmower or help her with something that needed fixing around the house, While her H was deployed over seas. I never thought anything about this before his A because he's always helping people. That's one of the things I Love about him, But now it makes me uncomfortable.

She's the one that told her boss about my H. She came in last week & left her car for my H to work on & he had to take her back to work. He was complaining about his job to her. Over the weekend she was texting him every little bit telling him her boss wanted to talk to him & what he was saying about the job. That's how his A with OW started. With him complaining about his job. 

He has showed me every text she sent him & ask if it would be a problem with the location of the shop being so close to OW & assured there has never been or will never be anything anything romantic between him & the secretary. He said he wouldn't even go talk to the man if I was going to have a problem with any of this. So I'm stuck with him being at the place where he cheated on me with her, At a dead end job, or being next door to her with the chance of running into her every day.

I don't want to be one of those crazy jealous wives & this is a great opportunity that we can't afford to pass up. It's like this will never end. I told him I would be lying if I said it wasn't gonna bother me about her being so close, I would deal with it & that he should go for the job. So he went by Friday & it looks like it's gonna happen. On the one hand it's the best thing that could ever happen & on the other I'm triggering & having bad dreams & flashbacks again. It seems like I just can't win.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

His boundaries are terrible.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe do that new job for a year and save up money and then move?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It's a true dilemma. You are going to have to trust, but verify. This is really up to your WH at this point. I hope you feel strong enough now to know that you will survive if he starts in with his BS again.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

alte Dame said:


> It's a true dilemma. You are going to have to trust, but verify. This is really up to your WH at this point. I hope you feel strong enough now to know that you will survive if he starts in with his BS again.


Yes alte Dame, I know I am now, I really don't think that will happen, But I'm not crazy about him running into her every time he test drives a car or she leaves her house.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> It's a true dilemma. You are going to have to trust, but verify. This is really up to your WH at this point. I hope you feel strong enough now to know that you will survive if he starts in with his BS again.


:iagree:

AD has a very balanced approach here.

D&L, 
Everything has changed for you, he is getting his shot at making it work with you NOW! If he turns out to be a serial cheater then he is not the right man for you, its would happen eventually and you will have to go through it and move on.

If he is remorseful and doing the heavy lifting then tell him this can work as long as he continues to do so.

You cannot stay with someone who will devastate and destroy you, he will know you mean it.

You can have that conversation about boundaries. 

One boundary would be no alone time with an opposite sex person. I see no reason in the face of an awkward situation he can take that person aside and say "Look, I was unfaithful to my wife, and to make my marriage work and out of respect for her I can no longer spend time alone with another woman, I hope you understand."

He can commit today to "Verbalize his commitment to you and explain, (when necessary) the reason for this particular boundary."

He needs to set the appropriate tone in his relationships.

That is heavy lifting!

Take care.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I just found out, His boss offered him more money to stay & he excepted it. I have to say I'm relieved. I didn't know how worried I was until he told me he wasn't going to take the job & it's like a huge weight has been lifted off me. He never knew how worried I was. So he made the decision on his own & can't say I didn't support him. peace of mind is more important to me than money. So I'm happy with the outcome. It's so nice to have someone to talk to about things. Thank you all for being here when I need you. It really means a lot to me..


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Devastated an lost said:


> Now that it's over he's gone back to spending all his time with me & acting like my best friend again. Just like he use to be. I don't know what to think.


I would not trust him unless you take great precautions to prevent this from happening again. 33 years of fidelity and out of the blue he goes off the rails like this? What's to stop him from doing it again in 5, 10, 15 years?

If you go through with the reconciliation I would make sure you have unfettered access to his email, phone, everything all the time. 

I don't know, there is something so twisted about this I am skeptical that this was his only affair in 33 years. Also is he acting like you should be able to just get over this and move on, back to normal like it never happened? That would definitely not be a "best friend" attitude. A best friend would understand how badly you were hurt and how you need to protect yourself from a repeat.

Good luck to you and sorry you went through that.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

WorkingWife said:


> I would not trust him unless you take great precautions to prevent this from happening again. 33 years of fidelity and out of the blue he goes off the rails like this? What's to stop him from doing it again in 5, 10, 15 years?
> 
> If you go through with the reconciliation I would make sure you have unfettered access to his email, phone, everything all the time.
> 
> ...


I will never trust him 100% again. He destroyed that for sure..


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Good that he's getting a raise and staying put. No need for him to be closer to the OW. Even if he never sees her again, you will never feel secure.

As far as this secretary, NO. He is no longer allowed to rescue damsels in distress. She can get her own car fixed. A secretary has no need to be texting an employee outside of work. Your H still has much work to do on his boundaries.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You need to have a talk with your husband about helping people around, especially women. He is easily set up for an affair. I really believe that this secretary has more interest in him than what meets the eye. 

My husband used to be like yours when we were young. I didn't know how to deal with it then. However, my solution was to come with him and be his helper when he helped them. He was never alone with them. This solved this problem.

As we got older, he got more busy with his own work. Now almost 60 years of age, his joints ache here and there and is reluctant to help anyone in manual labor. Age solved the problem. Take care and be vigilant.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

kristin2349 said:


> D&L:
> 
> Did you know that Chantix is actually just a re-branded version of the anti-depressant Wellbutrin? It can have very strange side effects like what you are describing. Be careful with all new prescriptions, especially during a time like this when you are under so much stress.


I am chiming in a bit late here. I was reading your story. I am sorry for what you are going through. I hope the best for you. I want to say I agree with the poster here. Be very careful with medications as such. Especially anything that is re branded, such as Wellbutrin. I took it in my teen years when a"doctor" misdiagnosed me as a manic depressive. He was a kook. He lost his license. Never mind that. The point is I put 100 pounds on over a course of a year. I would do things I did not remember such as sleep walking and sleep eating. Weird I know. When I was off that medication, I lost that 100 pounds quickly and quit doing some strange things. My mother would wake up with me just standing in their room staring. So, be careful and I want you to take care of yourself.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How do people get into affairs? Exactly as he did (and apparently continues to do) -- complain about some aspect of his life to a stranger. That opens the door. It invites someone into the personal aspect of his life. Not everyone will walk through that open door but it's an invitation to do so. My ex-husband was very similar. I explained over and over and over that he should not share personal details with his employees. But he continued. And got too close to one of them. 

Are you still thinking about getting a job? That would likely be helpful in many ways.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Openminded said:


> How do people get into affairs? Exactly as he did (and apparently continues to do) -- complain about some aspect of his life to a stranger. That opens the door. It invites someone into the personal aspect of his life. Not everyone will walk through that open door but it's an invitation to do so. My ex-husband was very similar. I explained over and over and over that he should not share personal details with his employees. But he continued. And got too close to one of them.
> 
> Are you still thinking about getting a job? That would likely be helpful in many ways.


I went & put in some applications & got an offer for part time, Weekends only at a bakery . I was going to take it even though, With the situation I didn't want to be gone every weekend. I'm glad he didn't want me to take that one. I know I will get bashed for this, But he is old fashion & has never wanted me to work a full time job. I worked for two years cleaning rooms in a nursing home, Back when he was on drugs & it was a constant argument, But I stayed until he got clean. I had no choice. Cooking & cleaning jobs is all I know. I learned from that With no more money than I could make it caused more problems than it solved.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I went & put in some applications & got an offer for part time, Weekends only at a bakery . I was going to take it even though, With the situation I didn't want to be gone every weekend. I'm glad he didn't want me to take that one. I know I will get bashed for this, But he is old fashion & has never wanted me to work a full time job. I worked for two years cleaning rooms in a nursing home, Back when he was on drugs & it was a constant argument, But I stayed until he got clean. I had no choice. Cooking & cleaning jobs is all I know. I learned from that With no more money than I could make it caused more problems than it solved.




Damn!!!!! We were all so close to that discount on doughnuts!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I went & put in some applications & got an offer for part time, Weekends only at a bakery . I was going to take it even though, With the situation I didn't want to be gone every weekend. I'm glad he didn't want me to take that one. I know I will get bashed for this, But he is old fashion & has never wanted me to work a full time job. I worked for two years cleaning rooms in a nursing home, Back when he was on drugs & it was a constant argument, But I stayed until he got clean. I had no choice. Cooking & cleaning jobs is all I know. I learned from that With no more money than I could make it caused more problems than it solved.


 
Actually I'm sure you are qualified for many positions in your area. Have you checked into the hospitals or medical centers in your area? A hospital near me started a program that nobody dies alone. They have a person sit with whomever is dying to talk or just hold their hand. What about your church? Many people post jobs at their church. You are far more qualified then you give yourself credit for. I think you are just being coy again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

yeah_right & Roselyn,

I know what you mean. He has been a mechanic his whole life, So he has hundreds of women that he's known for years, That at one time or another he's helped or fixed something for. In the past I admired him for it, But it's a whole different situation now. He has gotten comfortable talking to these women over the years he don't think nothing of it. 

The problem with me going along with him is, He works 30 miles from our home & most of these women live in the area where he works. That makes it easy for them to ask if he could stop by on his way home. He has started making excuses & getting out of it more. When he does go. He calls me when he gets there & the minute he leaves.

It has become a custom for them to take there car to him & he will drop them back home or work. If they don't have a way back he will go back & pick them up & they will take him back to work. He does this for everybody, Not just women. It does put him in the situation for an A. I hate it, But it's always been part of the job.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Actually I'm sure you are qualified for many positions in your area. Have you checked into the hospitals or medical centers in your area? A hospital near me started a program that nobody dies alone. They have a person sit with whomever is dying to talk or just hold their hand. What about your church? Many people post jobs at their church. You are far more qualified then you give yourself credit for. I think you are just being coy again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The only hospital in this small town is where the OW is a nurse. There might be more than patience dying once I got there.. lol JK. I have gotten a couple of house cleaning jobs & I get out an visit family a lot more than I use to. doing a little more everyday.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Damn!!!!! We were all so close to that discount on doughnuts!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I know right..:grin2:


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Put away whatever money you can from anything you might earn (or surplus from grocery money, etc.). You'll feel better if you know there's a little bit of money that's all yours.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Put away whatever money you can from anything you might earn (or surplus from grocery money, etc.). You'll feel better if you know there's a little bit of money that's all yours.


I do lots of things to help bring in money. I have house cleaning jobs & an aunt that's blind. She was looking to hire someone to help her with things she can't do. I told her I would help her out & she wouldn't have to pay anybody. After a couple of trips of working half a day, She insisted on paying me or she would hire someone. So now I do work for her at least once a week. & I have my Mothers house that I get rent on that me & my brother split. With all these things I can make my own schedule.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Devastated an lost said:


> I went & put in some applications & got an offer for part time, Weekends only at a bakery . I was going to take it even though, With the situation I didn't want to be gone every weekend. I'm glad he didn't want me to take that one. I know I will get bashed for this, But he is old fashion & has never wanted me to work a full time job. I worked for two years cleaning rooms in a nursing home, Back when he was on drugs & it was a constant argument, But I stayed until he got clean. I had no choice. Cooking & cleaning jobs is all I know. .


And look where this has got you.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

turnera said:


> And look where this has got you.


turnera, I know what you mean. I know now that if I decide to leave him, I can make it on my own. I've made a lot of changes in my life, But unless I'm planning on leaving I don't feel the need to go out & get a full time job when I know it will cause more problems for us.

I can't change what I did in the past & you're right, If I'd had a job when I found out I would've left & made him fight for me. I'm not no where near as dependent on him as I was & more important I have the confidence now that I know if things don't work out, I can & will walk out & take care of myself. 

I have talked to people & have job options down the road if I decide that's what I want. & most of that is thanks to you. You told me some hard truths that I needed to hear & I did listen. I've made it very clear to him where the boundaries are & what will happen if he crosses them. He knows now I do have options & will use them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't understand. You are THINKING about getting a job?

What is there to think about?

You are DEPENDENT on him. You have to PLEASE HIM to ensure you have a decent life.

You have lost control over your own life.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

turnera said:


> I don't understand. You are THINKING about getting a job?
> 
> What is there to think about?
> 
> ...


I have my own money. I explained in my earlier post. I have house cleaning jobs, rent from my Mothers house I own. I just don't have a full time job. If I where to decide to leave I would have to get one, But what I do keeps me in enough money to do what I want. I'm ok with that, Because as of now I'm not planing on going anywhere.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I have my own money. I explained in my earlier post. I have house cleaning jobs, rent from my Mothers house I own. I just don't have a full time job. If I where to decide to leave I would have to get one, But what I do keeps me in enough money to do what I want. I'm ok with that, Because as of now I'm not planing on going anywhere.


Plans are all well and good, but I bet you didn't plan on having d-day #1. The point here is that if d-day #2 occurs, you should be able to get out right away. Maybe that doesn't necessarily mean a full-time job, but if not, it means saving enough cash for a few months' rent + living expenses in an account that is in your name only.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

dignityhonorpride said:


> Plans are all well and good, but I bet you didn't plan on having d-day #1. The point here is that if d-day #2 occurs, you should be able to get out right away. Maybe that doesn't necessarily mean a full-time job, but if not, it means saving enough cash for a few months' rent + living expenses in an account that is in your name only.


That's one of the changes I made. I don't want to ever feel that helpless again. I'm working on being a little more independent every day. it's hard & scary to break life long habits. You have to literally change who you've always been. I have come a long way. I'm doing the best I can.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So your money is going into a separate bank account that he can't access?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It sounds to me like you've come a long way. It's easy to get comfortable again when your life slips back into its earlier pattern, so please try to keep mindful of this and continue to make changes. Set small goals for every week or month and work toward them. I think the others are right that there are things you can do to increase your financial independence - childcare, for example.

Keep chugging along, DanL. I'm glad you didn't have to deal with the job change issue.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

turnera said:


> So your money is going into a separate bank account that he can't access?


Yes, I have a savings acc. of my own. I didn't want to talk about it here, In case he ever got on here. I didn't want him to know. Things are going smooth now. I'm not as naive as I use to be. Yes, he makes most of our income, But I'm the one that handles all the money. He wouldn't even know where to go to pay a bill. I've always been good with money & he never questions where any of it goes. 

If things get rocky again I may have to delete this post. So far he's give me my privacy & not got on here, But that's why I don't talk much about the changes I've made. Just know that I'm looking out for myself now. I've learned the hard way, Yourself is the only one you can truly count on in this world..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

HALF of what the family makes is your money. You know that, right? So after the bills are paid, whatever's left over, half of that you can be putting into that savings account.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I know all of this has been difficult. You've come a long, long way, DL, since your first post. Infidelity changes not only how we view our spouse but also ourselves and basically everything about our lives. We have to rethink all of it and that's obviously not an easy thing to do. Certainly it's not something we ever thought we'd have to do when we took our vows. You have every reason to be proud of how far you've come.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Openminded said:


> I know all of this has been difficult. You've come a long, long way, DL, since your first post. Infidelity changes not only how we view our spouse but also ourselves and basically everything about our lives. We have to rethink all of it and that's obviously not an easy thing to do. Certainly it's not something we ever thought we'd have to do when we took our vows. You have every reason to be proud of how far you've come.


Thanks Openminded,

It's nice for somebody to notice. I really have stepped out of my comfort zone & it's very scary.


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