# Husband won't have sex because I have gained 20 lbs.



## jazz046 (Aug 3, 2010)

Although he is not that physically great looking himself, he expects a lot from me. I am 46, have 2 kids, dog, job, etc. and 5"3" 160lbs instead of the preferred 140 (or less would be nice). I have tried to loose weight, but he just makes me more mad every time he says something to me about what I put in my mouth. I think if he would turn off the TV from watching the Bachelorette and pay attention to me he would see that the 20 year old girls are not a reality and I am. I will not give up on losing 20 lbs. but I want him to back off and concentrate on our marriage instead of my extra 20 lbs.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Lose weight for yourself and your own health. Not for him.

What is that parable you can quote to him?

Matthew 7:5

You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.


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## dyskinesia (Jun 29, 2010)

I'm guessing that your weight is convenient scapegoat for the problems that you don't discuss.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I would be upset if my wife gained to much weight, she has become somewhat "flabby" But so have I.

So our solution, is I built us a home gym and we are working out together. 

If I want her in good shape, I should be as well.

But also sounds like you both have lost a spark, when is the lat time you guys just went out and had a good old time together being silly and goofy?


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

I could have written this post myself a year ago except my H was not direct about my weight, lots of hints and I felt like you did that it was to be expected 15 years on! 

I hit 162lbs round about my birthday (i'm 5'6), November last year. We had a family portrait taken at the kids school and when the results came back I was horrified by my size. That gave me the wake up call I needed. I've gotta tell you its been a hard journey, it is much harder to lose when you get to our age but it can be done. I'm now down at 136lbs and will be ecstatic when I get to 130lbs. 

So I voted for you to lose it. But for you, not him. Honestly you will feel so much better, you will look so much better and your husband will wake up and see you for the great asset that you are. Pay attention to every aspect of your appearance, get a good friend to give you feedback (my best friend just told me that my hair style aged me 10 years. She was right. I just changed it). Wear great underwear every day. I feel alot healthier and have alot more energy too. 

In being everything for everybody else - h, kids, animals- you may have lost a little bit of you. Work to get that back, for your sake.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Men's primary sexual sense is the visual and when they can no longer be turned on visually they lose their desire for the partner. Men also get bored easily and like a lot of sexual variety. Sexually bored married men are why porn is a multi billion dollar business.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

That sounds a little harsh. I think that women have alot of pressure on them to keep fit even when age, gravity, kids/nursing, slowing metabolisms and full schedules take their toll on a their bodies. I think the expectations for middle-age women with kids to look like women on TV/models/actresses is unrealistic. Unless blessed with unbelievable genetics, it is hard to compete with these women we see. 

Having said that if your husband is working at work to provide for the family, meeting your emotional needs, doing chores around the house, helping with the kids and working to stay fit then one could say he is doing things for you and the family to keep you all happy. If that is the case, in fairness if you are not trying then he may have a legit gripe but, his approach seems harsh. It sounds though he may not be doing all these things. Perhaps you have ignored his more subtle suggestions and this is a last resort. 

My wife is about 15 lbs heavier and she works. I am a little more fit but, i have to work at my diet/excercise to stay that way. She is great in allot of areas and i know she would like to be thinner for me but, she chooses to sit on the couch vs excercise. It bothers me somewhat. It is not an lack of attraction thing as much as i want her to look good so she will not feel like "the fat girl" when we go to the pool, beach or to a party when their are thinner girls there as i know this is an area that bothers HER. Again, i would want her to do it for her and not for me. There are also numorous health benefits to being fit. Not knowing your husband i am not sure what his motives are or if his approach is a correct one. 

My wife had been dissapointed about my dress/grooming and i have make a concerted effort. She also poked fun of my belly when it has grown as it has reminded me to do something about it. While my wife may be a little lax in her wieght/fitness area but, she is a great mother, is good my extended family (graciously puts up with their bullsh$%) which is important to me, she manages our house well when i travel. She "takes care of my needs pysically too. Since she is all these things I choose to "pick my battles". Only you know whether your husbands request is reasonable or not and/or if you choose to do something about it. 

good luck.


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Hi jazz, here is my story. I lost 40lbs, in the beginning it was because i wanted h to be attracted to me again. But, after the first 20lbs came off, I started to feel so much better. My back didn't hurt, my knees didn't hurt! Then after the last 20, I felt even better! My daughter is 6yrs old, and for 6 yrs I had wanted to lose the weight, but having been on the 'skinny' side most of my life, never having to worry about what I ate, I found it extremely hard to figure out 'how' to eat. McD's big mac value meals! I had never gave a thought to it in the past. I also HATED exercise!!! I had my daughter a little 'later' than my friends did, and the advantage to them was they found it easier to take the weight off. I really thought it would be impossible to lose the weight. (Not to mention, after work, I tend to be more on the lazy side.)

What worked for me was that I cut everything I ate in half. I didn't change the meals I had always ate, just ate half of it. Visually, I looked at my plate, if I usually had 2 serving spoonfuls of 'macaroni salad' for ex., I would only have 1. (I used the small dinner plates, too)
Then I bought an elliptical. everyday after work I would get on that thing and go! I put a catalog in front of me of the dress I would love to wear one day. That 'dress' stayed on my elliptical for 6 wks! 

It took me close to 6 mo to lose the 40lbs, but after 6 yrs of on & off dieting, this didn't seem so bad. The first month was the hardest, I was very cranky!!! 

I still work out 5 days a week. Now my legs are hard as rocks and my butt is firm! Thanks to the elliptical! But please think of this as doing it for yourself because after all of this and my 'transformation,' my h only comment was a slap on the arse and "lookin good!" No more hanky panky in the bedroom than before!:scratchhead: Not saying this would happen to you, but if it does, at least you can see the benefits, even if hubby doesn't. And when you get those 'looks' from others when your out and about, you know your lookin' good and that makes you feel good!

Hang in there!! If I did it I know you can! Believe me! I'm a Libra, and physical exertion just wasn't my thing! But after seeing the results, I just can't go back!

Good Luck!!
Stumble


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

Along with everything everyone else has said about losing the weight for yourself and not for him, this is gold:



dyskinesia said:


> I'm guessing that your weight is convenient scapegoat for the problems that you don't discuss.


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## confusedfella (Jul 5, 2010)

I voted for you to lose it. Not for him but do it for yourself. I've always been overweight. In the beginning of our relationship my wife said it didn't bother her. She is very thin and has a hard time keeping weight on as much as I try to lose it. After 3-4 years of marriage she told me that it bothered her and would be more attracted to me if I lost some weight. I thought this was BS and basicly told her too bad. Now after 9 years of marriage and a bunch of other problems in our relationship (of which I only found out a few months ago)including her fooling around with a married guy at work and now going through counseling, the weight thing comes up again. Since we met a gained about 35 pounds. Maybe I'd be more attracted to you if you lost some weight she says. To me this seems very vain and shallow. We all have flaws, but if someone is overweight it's the end of the world and is expected to fix it. But now I'm going to try to lose the weight I went to the gym for about 2 months last winter and lost 20 pounds I joined again and intend on losing more. Not just for her but now for me! One of a few things will happen.
1 I lose the weight and she feels more attracted to me.
2 I lose the weight and it doesn't make any difference to her.
I see it as a win win. Either I keep her or at least I'm in good shape to date again.

Lose the weight and show him what he's missing and if not him someone else!


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

I voted to lose the weight for you, and him, your health and your husband are both important to you, right? hey you might even inspire him to get off his ass. sorry to be harsh, but @ 5'3", 160 is too heavy, even 140 is a little chunky. Now dont get me wrong, whats inside is important too, its not just about looks, but most women will look much better, thinner. my wife is a PT cert. trainer, and has a diet cert aswell, we both know alot about fitness & nutrition, and our bodies show it. trust me when I tell you that exercise is only about 30% of the equation, you NEED to change your diet and permanently! Do these things and you WILL get results.

- Cut out all deserts, chips, cakes, ice cream, crakers etc. even that low fat, whole grain BS , dried fruit is also very bad (loaded w/ sugar!) snack on fresh,LOW SUGAR content fruits, and all natural FF yogurt. all natural p-nut butter is OK in moderation. 

-eat B-fast as soon as you wake up to keep your blood sugar in check and prevent fat storage.

- cut down on the amount of food you eat during meals ,just eat enough to feel moderately full ,then go do something to get your mind off food

- raise your protein intake, fish, lean chicken

-CUT YOUR CARBS!, NO potatos, white rice, and for gods sake, no bread or pasta of any kind, ever!!!!! try brown rice or quinoa instead and stick to the serving size.

-Use salsa , NOT KATSUP(high in sugar), use mustard(dijon) NOT MAYO, and no creamy dressings, use vinegar and Olive oil.

- Do some cardiovascular exercise within 2 hours before your biggest meal of the day.

-COOK! DONT EAT OUT!...and if you do, stick w/ steamed chinese


do all that, and then go work those buns and abs!
Good luck:smthumbup:


-


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## Dave321 (Aug 4, 2010)

Do it for yourself.A lot of crap mates put on each other.Love will never be on the out side.Many reason why we pick a wife or husband.Hopefully it for the inside of a person and not what i want to make you in cause of what the world tell us.The hair will go, the body go,the sex will go ,but i look over there at your reakled face you will alway be my love .Be of good cheer,this to will pass.sorry about spelling


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## stalemate (May 13, 2010)

I voted for you to lose the weight to make you feel more powerful and confident in life, not because your husband is a jerk.

That said, you don't need the poll to tell you how to feel about your weight. If you are happy at this weight then keep doing what you have been, if it bothers you find a way to take it off.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Jazz,

Women are supposed to have curves and our bodies are going to change over time. A 20 lb weight gain isn't tragic. It's not like you're Jabba the Hut. I imagine his body has changed a little over the course of the marriage as well. If you both are reasonably healthy, you two are blessed. What happens if you or he has a car crash and loses a limb or receives terrible burns? Making love contingent upon physical beauty is risky. Appearance can change at any time.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

So your husband won't have sex with you because you have gained 20 lbs and his motivating tool for you is to ridicule what you eat and watch 20 somethings on television in an effort to make you feel bad? And he doesn't look like Adonis himself? 
I think his actions border on abusive.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

Did he actually say "I won't have sex with you until you lose 20 pounds?" Maybe you should say "I won't have sex with you either unless YOU lose 20 pounds." and then try to laugh it off and eat healthier & work out together. Stay strong : )


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Your husband's approach could use some real work. It sounds like he's no Mr. Universe either. 

However, please do consider that men are probably a thousand times more sensitive about a woman's weight than women tend to be about theirs. If a husband loses attraction to his wife, it will be extremely stressful on the marriage. Even making an effort counts for something. For years my wife would not make any effort at all to be fit, and you just can't imagine how badly it hurt MY self-esteem (strangely enough). Yes we men have feelings too.

Best if you can both be honest and state where you're coming from, then work on things together. It does need to be a two-way street however. 


Good luck,


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He won't have sex with you till you lose 20 lbs? How about, "I'll cook again when you have six pack abs."


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

I think if you have gained weight because you are being slovenly then he may have a point. If you trully struggle with weight and honestly try then i think this is a little insensitive. 

Only you know the honest answer. 

Agree with others. Lose it for you and not him. You will feel better.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

One day I was discussing this with my husband. I asked him why men don't want to have sex with their wives. My husband gave me many reasons. One of them was that women are not appealing to their men anymore. I am sorry that I have to be so blunt. Men like to see something tasty in front of them so they have good appetite. My husband really encourages me to keep fit. And I like to see a sexy husband in bed too. I don't think I have much appetite for big men.


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## ladtbug81 (Aug 31, 2010)

My husband fell inlove with me while I was being a surrogate for another couple. He loved my changing body at the begining and then we got pregnant pretty much right away after that. I had no chance to lose baby weight before another baby. So now 2 years later from having our child I still weigh about the same as I did when I had her and he loves every ounce of me. 

For me true love is if the man that married you love you for you and not what you look like.


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## petesplace (Sep 9, 2010)

In a similar situation here and its not good or easy to work though, well not in my case.

Married 20 years, my wife put gradually on about 90lbs some 8 years after our wedding.
We are still together but only just. The weight gain has always been an issue for me and we gradually stopped intimacy, i did not withhold it but didn't go out of my way to get it either. I really saw this as a short term thing until she lost the weight but she does not have any will power to succeed on a diet, all attempts fail within days. She sees my feelings as rejection. I have encouraged her to work at it for her and for our relationship but it's no use she clearly doesn't see it from my point of view. I feel very guilty that i cannot find it in myself to be attracted to her in the same way as we once were but i cant change how i feel - i really wish i could. I also feel hurt that despite her knowing how important this is to me and to our future lives she has never once put any real effort into tackling the weight. The marriage has suffered to the point of no return i now believe. Her view is that my love for her should be unconditional and i should love and want her fat or thin, maybe she's right - i am not saying a i am right or she is wrong etc. but merely pointing out how important the issue is within a relationship. My love for her is now a bit like the way i feel about a good friend. We now live as roommates, my desire for her has died over time and without any changes in our situation i doubt it can return but i still believe we could work things through, work-out together at the gym etc. and really make it happen but she is not keen or willing to try.

Very sad really and i feel like i am to blame if i am honest. I never thought i would ever be in this position.


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## LisaMarie (Sep 8, 2010)

Mr. B. is this real true "Men's primary sexual sense is the visual" i havent post my story yet but i am sure i will need your advise. No so sure if i agree with you but Hmmm It may be true. I sure need some advise from males. my h lost intersting in me long time ago. I just dont get it. well is a long story i will post it soon.....


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## LisaMarie (Sep 8, 2010)

franklinfx said:


> I voted to lose the weight for you, and him, your health and your husband are both important to you, right? hey you might even inspire him to get off his ass. sorry to be harsh, but @ 5'3", 160 is too heavy, even 140 is a little chunky. Now dont get me wrong, whats inside is important too, its not just about looks, but most women will look much better, thinner. my wife is a PT cert. trainer, and has a diet cert aswell, we both know alot about fitness & nutrition, and our bodies show it. trust me when I tell you that exercise is only about 30% of the equation, you NEED to change your diet and permanently! Do these things and you WILL get results.
> 
> - Cut out all deserts, chips, cakes, ice cream, crakers etc. even that low fat, whole grain BS , dried fruit is also very bad (loaded w/ sugar!) snack on fresh,LOW SUGAR content fruits, and all natural FF yogurt. all natural p-nut butter is OK in moderation.
> 
> ...


thanks a lot,,, i know this respond wasn't for me I find this very very helpful. I will print this out and put it on my kitchen I am sure it will help. i been trying to loose some lbs. and everything i do it does not work for me, so i starte taking some pills they were working for the first 3 wks, but not no more, I hope this works thanks


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## LisaMarie (Sep 8, 2010)

petesplace said:


> In a similar situation here and its not good or easy to work though, well not in my case.
> 
> Married 20 years, my wife put gradually on about 90lbs some 8 years after our wedding.
> We are still together but only just. The weight gain has always been an issue for me and we gradually stopped intimacy, i did not withhold it but didn't go out of my way to get it either. I really saw this as a short term thing until she lost the weight but she does not have any will power to succeed on a diet, all attempts fail within days. She sees my feelings as rejection. I have encouraged her to work at it for her and for our relationship but it's no use she clearly doesn't see it from my point of view. I feel very guilty that i cannot find it in myself to be attracted to her in the same way as we once were but i cant change how i feel - i really wish i could. I also feel hurt that despite her knowing how important this is to me and to our future lives she has never once put any real effort into tackling the weight. The marriage has suffered to the point of no return i now believe. Her view is that my love for her should be unconditional and i should love and want her fat or thin, maybe she's right - i am not saying a i am right or she is wrong etc. but merely pointing out how important the issue is within a relationship. My love for her is now a bit like the way i feel about a good friend. We now live as roommates, my desire for her has died over time and without any changes in our situation i doubt it can return but i still believe we could work things through, work-out together at the gym etc. and really make it happen but she is not keen or willing to try.
> ...


hi petesplace, The weight gain is really an issue for husbands? does this really stopped intimacy with your wife? wow i kind of have the same problem and i keep asking him how come he dont touch me nomore I even told him if he is not attracting to me no more to separate, and he keep telling me is not me is him because his work and stress... he said he love me and he will never leave me. well i dont know what to believe I know that.. well i think he is not cheathing, everything is so perfect in my relationship is just the sex is an issue. Wow i love this site i am sure i can find some good advise here, so many issues with other people I dont feel alone nomore.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Losing excess weight will have so many benefits for you: boost of self-confidence, better fitting clothes, more energy & better overall health. If you can truely do it for you, you will feel a great sense of accomplishment, especially because you rose above the negative comments from your husband and didn't let it slow you down!


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Clearly it is tough being a women. Society puts unrealistic expectations on how you should look. The media parades genetically-gifted and/or women in their 20s as the norm/ideal. Since gravity and slowing metablolizms will "typically" make this challanging to look good for women as they age it make things that much tougher. Again my sympathies for the cross you all collectively bear. 

Having said that and being perfectly blunt here, many husbands are become quietly uninterested when their wives become overwieght. In extreme cases they may even become disgusted. They fear saying anything. When asked "does this dress make me look fat" they think "it is not the dress is is your f*)ing lack of exercise and eating/drinking habbits that makes you look fat". Instead they say nothing in fear of starting world war 3 or want to spare her feelings or just want to prevent having to endure her trying on 10 other outfits to find one that is most forgiving. 

You are not alone. I struggle with weight my genetics are not great. If I were not super careful i would go from 200 to 250 in a couple of years. To put that into perspective if i were in great shap i would be 185is. I work out and try and count calories(literally). I won't kid you it can be a drag sometimes. With my own business working 70hrs/week and small children it is a real grind to find time. However, it is important to me for health reasons and I want to look good for myself. My wife has put on weight and I have let her know by example and in my words it is important to me for us to stay healthy and thin. She has recently been trying. I can't say however, that i have not swalled my words when she asks me about her appearance. Perhaps your husbands words are hurtful and his tactics unfair but, it sounds like he has strongly hinted by commenting on your eating habits. At least he is not lying to blaming low lack of interest in sex while geting his outlet somewhere else. We have all heard/read about that scenario. 

Like others have said do it for yourself not him. Hope it all works out for you.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I have three children and it seemed like with each child I gained a healthy 15 - 20 pounds I couldn't keep off. My husband never found me unattractive although, if I be honest, I would find myself trying to do certain positions to cover myself and was mortified when he would change things to make my body more revealed.

A few years ago I was browsing websites and came across a bmi calculator and when I put my digits in I realized I was "obese". I couldn't believe it as I truly had no idea. I was 5 foot 6 inches and 185 pounds. Now I've lost more than 50 pounds and I'm actually less than I was when my husband and I married...also in better shape.

I didn't do it for him and he was by my side through the entire journey. In the end, I felt more desireable and our sex life became more enjoyable for me which in turn made it more enjoyable for him. He often tells me he can't believe our sex life has gotten better than when we first were married.

My whole point was that you should do it for you but your husband is a big *** for not supporting you. I know many disagree and think it's perfectly acceptable for a man to ditch a fat woman but I totally disagree. I think they are shallow and the relationship was founded in shallow water and so it never had a chance to swim.

Do it for you and remember that you can do it. I used Weight Watchers at first but after the first year the gym and food changes became a natural part of my life. It's been three years and I've kept the weight off. Find resolve within yourself and realize it's self control.

If you need support or tools send me a pm. I have great spreadsheets and other info that I used during my first year.

When you're done with your weightloss journey, or even while you're on it, you'll have a chance to evaluate your husband and decide if he's extra weight you've been carrying around as well.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Oooh, also wanted to add that 20lbs is not that much at all!


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## intransit76 (Sep 24, 2010)

I felt compelled to write as I am familiar with this scenario and I voted against losing the weight. It was April 09 when this came to the surface of my marriage at which point I had gained about 3 pounds in two years of marriage. Not a great amount but enough for my husband to have left me alone in bed to look at porn on a Sunday morning. After my initial hysterical fit, it finally came out that he was no longer attracted to my body, he was annoyed I persisted in smoking and had generally let myself go. I tried to listen to him, especially since he said he didn't feel there was any point telling me as I had failed to act on his prior request to lose weight and this had added to his hurt and resentment.

I felt as if my world had just crashed, unbelievably hurt and feeling conditionally loved, I decided to join the gym. I lost some of the weight, tried to stop smoking, organised a solo trip overseas to flaunt my independence and we went to a marriage therapist for five months to deal with the huge amount of anger and resentment I now felt towards him.

Fast track to Sept 2010, I have gained all of that weight and an extra 4 pounds, my gym membership expires today and I am sexually invisible to my husband. I had started to lose the weight again this year and was succeeding but my motivation was to get his approval, not for myself. The one thing I have learnt is don’t lose the weight unless it is for you! You need to want it for yourself or you are wasting your energy and time.
This time around, my husband doesn't want to talk about our issues. He wants to play "Happy Families" just to avoid the dramas that played out and this scares me. Reading petesplace comments made me sad, I see my husband in his comments and since I can’t talk to him, these would be my replys:

petesplace "The weight gain has always been an issue for me and we gradually stopped intimacy, I did not withhold it but didn't go out of my way to get it either. she does not have any will power to succeed on a diet, all attempts fail within days. She sees my feelings as rejection." 

I cant lose my weight for my husband...My weight has fluctuated for years, I eat to keep my emotions at bay, that flab is my protection, its also a sign of how much I am hurting inside, therefore, when I expose my naked vulnerability to my husband, I need him to show me he loves me in spite of my weakness, in spite of my own self hatred. I need his love to take away my doubts, instead I feel his rejection as he kisses my cheek and says good night or worst, as he goes thru the motions and all I can think about is how revolted he is by my body and how much I need his love.

Petesplace - Is it possible that your wife is already feeling awful about herself and in her time of need, instead of being there to show her she is loved, that she is deserving of your love... you are as much to blame for the weight gain as her "lack of self control"?

petesplace "she clearly doesn't see it from my point of view."
I could rant and rave about this but the honest truth is..we don’t or can’t see it from your point of view. Women are not as visual as men. My husband is not as slim and doesn't have as much hair as he did in his twenties, but that means nothing to me. Because it means nothing to me... It is so hurtful to me that it is important to him. It makes me question his love...why is it so different to mine? Does he actually love me? This creates distrust and resentment.

petesplace" -I feel very guilty that I cannot find it in myself to be attracted to her in the same way as we once were but I can’t change how I feel - I really wish I could."

I know that’s exactly how my husband feels. He doesn't want to be the one hurting me, hence, the guilt. I have shamed my husband for his feelings, its easy to do...how can you be so superficial etc.. I too want a knight in shining amour to love me no matter what... I look at couples where the woman is chubbier than me and has an adoring partner with envy and feel very unloved. I now get resentful when other men look at me because the only man in my life who counts doesn't. In order to change this, I need to change myself for him and that goes against my fundamental understanding of love. This is my dilemma…

petesplace"I also feel hurt that despite her knowing how important this is to me and to our future lives she has never once put any real effort into tackling the weight."

Could it be that whilst this is important to you, it may be of equal or even greater importance to her that she not need to change herself to deserve your love and that doing so goes against her understanding of love. Why can’t you understand that maybe the weight is not about you, it’s not about keeping it on to hurt you or the marriage. It is a symptom of something else that is going on with her.. why don’t you try and find out what that is.. Be her friend and help her work it out without judgement 


Petesplace "My love for her is now a bit like the way i feel about a good friend. We now live as roommates, my desire for her has died over time and without any changes in our situation I doubt it can return but I still believe we could work things through, work-out together at the gym etc. and really make it happen but she is not keen or willing to try."

My marriage is in the same disarray. I have a roommate not a husband. My husband is waiting to see me make changes in myself, my weight, my smoking and I don’t feel like making those changes. WHY ? Not because I am happy with the situation because I am not...But, I resent him. I feel short-changed; I feel his love is conditional. I have no desire to go work out at the gym with him. Your marriage needs as much work as mine but you’re focusing your efforts in the wrong direction. Look, I cant even speak to my husband about these issues so I am not judging but maybe you should be organising date nights together, a spontaneous picnic, try to rebuild some emotional intimacy because even thought you feel she is hurting you with her inaction, I know that if she loves you even half as much as I love my husband, your words or lack off, your actions or lack off, would be like taking a knife and hacking at her heart. It’s not a good or easy situation I agree, but you can’t ask for an expression of love when you have just left a person wondering if they have already foolishly loved and trusted you.

Anyway, petesplace –I hope you get something from this, it has been quite cathartic to write this. Talk to your wife and hopefully your situation improves. I know the longer mine festers the worst things will get.. Thank you for your honesty, I can tell your a good man.


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

I voted to lose it. This is probably going to sound harsh, but just keep in mind that it's my personal opinion and since you're asking for opinions I'll share. I don't care what your husband looks like, if he looks bad he needs to get in shape too, but his looks shouldn't be a factor in yours. I do everything I can to look good for my husband all the time. Even when I'm sick, I do what I can to look great for him (sexier sweatpants, not the cheap super unflattering ones, etc.) I do my makeup and hair everyday. I'm shaved, exfoliated, lotioned up, manicured and pedicured (done myself, can't afford a salon every week lol) I go to the gym all the time, or run if I can't get there. I watch every bite of food that goes in my mouth. I want to always be his desire. I want to be someone he wants carnally no matter what the situation. To me, that's a huge turn-on. He asks NOTHING of me in this. He has never complained, or asked anything of me. The only thing recently that's been a big change is hair color, and that was a mutual decision on something we both were interested in seeing me look like. I have a 20 month old daughter, and even the day I delivered her, I did what I could to still look good. I just think that too many people get lazy and take their spouses for granted. My husband is still super in shape and hot as ever. He does it for me because I like it too. He knows what I like and does it. I lost more than just the baby weight after I had my daughter, and since we've been together (with exception to pregnancy, in which I gained 25 pounds to the ounce!) my weight hasn't fluctuated more than 5 pounds either way. I think that when you give up on your appearances you're giving up on each other a little bit. How hard do most people work just to get that special someone's attention? To work so hard and then give it up just because you've been together for a long time is heartbreaking to me. I would personally feel like it was all fake and that they weren't being themselves. His appearance isn't what kept me, but it is what first attracted me. Ask him and he'll say it was my ass lol. To this day, he still looks amazing and I still have my ass. We have sex all the time and other than the usual bickering over things, we really don't fight that often. We put each other first, so when I don't feel like working out, I think about how a few weeks of that, or a few months turning into years what I would look like then.... not a pretty picture I'm sure. I say lose it. Look good for your husband. Look good for yourself. It's amazing how good you feel and how great your attitude will be when you feel good about yourself and when you feel hot and sexy. Again, I just gave my opinion. I dont want you to feel bad about yourself in any way. Whatever makes you happy you should do. I just personally feel better about myself when I know I am doing all I can to keep my husband attracted as ever to me. Even going from brunette to fake-blonde


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## OwnYourIssues (Nov 21, 2010)

Jazz. Lose the weight. For you AND your husband. 
Its not because you gained 20 lbs...its because at 5'3'' 140 you are overweight at that point and adding 20 to that puts you about 8 lbs away from obese. If you lower your calorie intake to about 1800 and do some light working out three times a week (hour or so of weights/cardio) you WILL lose weight. Your husband should maintain a healthy weight as well. You cant tell someone to do something you cant do yourself. Good luck.


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## sntdwn2ufrmhvn (May 20, 2010)

i would just tell him if he wants you fit, then you want him fit, period end of story. it's a win win for everyone, but i'm not gonna have some fatty telling me to lose weight if he has a bigger gut than me.


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## marco100 (Nov 25, 2010)

I vote that you gain an additional 20 - 30 lbs.

That'll show him.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

michzz said:


> Lose weight for yourself and your own health. Not for him.
> 
> What is that parable you can quote to him?
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> Jazz,
> 
> Women are supposed to have curves and our bodies are going to change over time. A 20 lb weight gain isn't tragic. It's not like you're Jabba the Hut. I imagine his body has changed a little over the course of the marriage as well. If you both are reasonably healthy, you two are blessed. What happens if you or he has a car crash and loses a limb or receives terrible burns? Making love contingent upon physical beauty is risky. Appearance can change at any time.


I think our expectations of weight are interesting. 5'4" I think is what she said she is. And 160. I am 5'81/2". I thought I was overweight at 155. 

I am not trying to say one thing or another to the OP about whether or not SHE should lose weight or how to feel about her DH. I would be pissed as all get out over DHs behavior if it were my DH... She is the mistress of her own destiny. I recognizer her position as a difficult one.

But I am interesting in the way people think about weight. You hear all the time that losing weight is So Hard. I don't see it. Yah it is not easy. I would rather eat french fries all day. But what else would we spend our effort on? 

I think the USian attitudes on food and weight are a little strange. We went to a 99 restaurant while traveling recently. We had to eat somewhere. The sheer SIZE of the portions was GINORMOUS. And this is just one entree. No appetizer, no dessert. There is no way I could have eaten all that. And it was my favorite food on the planet. 

I suppose it is naive, but I believe in mind over matter in many cases. If you *believe* it is going to be hard, it is. If you believe that you have the power and calm self awareness to do anything, you can.

Great book about baby stepping lifestyle changes for weight loss and health here:

Amazon.com: Savor: Mindful Eating, Mindful Life (9780061697692): Thich Nhat Hanh, Lilian Cheung: Books

Anyway for what it is worth...


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

Yes if ur partner thinks so
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Just1Man (Dec 9, 2010)

Hell... I lost over 10 lbs of fat, started lifting weights, running, got buff, now my wife won't have sex with me cause I'm in too good of shape compared to her (or so she says). Sometimes you just can't win. I'm happy with what I've done and proud of myself. My friends and family complement me on how I look and my hard work. If my wife doesn't want to enjoy her new and improved husband then too bad for her.

So... As for your problem. You do weight too much. Don't just diet. Diets don't work. You might drop weight but you won't really change the way you live and you will still be soft. You need to workout. Walking, running, weights, etc. If you gain muscle you will drop fat and you can still eat things you like cause building muscle burns more calories. Having muscle is the the key. All that Jenny Weight Watcher crap is just that. The drop weight with just diet. They are what some fit people call "skinny fat." They are thin but still flabby and weak. 

Also... Your husband needs to stop being a slob and work out with you. You will both be better for it.

Like I have room to give advice. I've been gently trying to get my wife to work out for over a year with few results. I give tons of support, complement her, help her in every way I can. She will do two days then drop it for 3 months... FML


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I can't allow my weights go beyond the normal range. So I will push myself to exercise more whenever I noticed weights increase. It's for self confidence and health. I take care of myself. Instead, my husband doesn't take care of himself and eats like a pig whenever he likes. Although he has lost lots of weights because of diet and exercise, now his weights go up again. I told him please don't put back all the weights and not to be lazy to do exercise. We all love to eat but we also need to stay within a healthy weight range.


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## sensesay (Jul 16, 2010)

I love your attitude.... Good luck!!!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I dimly recall that heavier girls were better in the sack than the bulimics. At least that's how I remember it.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I dimly recall that heavier girls were better in the sack than the bulimics. At least that's how I remember it.


Old thread but...
lol. I agree. My fiance doesn't like skinny women. Phew. I would hate to have to live up to abnormal unhealthy standards.

I am healthy eat very well, exercise etc but i still like to enjoy life and wouldn't want to have to worry so much about 20 pounds.


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## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm coming at this as a fairly traditional man. I try to satisfy my wife and she me. This also means that I run 15-20 miles a week, partially at least to be attractive to her. I expect her to stay in shape for me and lately she's been slipping, which is annoying. But I will say that when we do let ourselves go, even 10-20 pounds, its like saying to our partner, "I no longer respect you and your desires enough to stay fit to facilitate attraction." Not a way to ensure a sexually satisfied marriage-but hey, that's just one man's view!


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

I gained about 30 lbs before I got pregnant, then i gained 20-30 more lbs. I have lost almost 60 lbs in a year. It still hasn't helped my situation what so ever. 

My husband has never made wise cracks about my weight. He is somewhat over weight so he doesn't have much room to talk. I think you should loose the weight, but do it for you! Not him!

I cut back on carbs, what a difference it made. Read labels on every thing you buy, use portion control. Limit your self on how many carbs you can have a day and follow it. Also do a 2000 calorie diet. You would be really surprised how many carbs are in one thing. I think my limit was 36-40 a day and I was on a 2000 calorie diet. I learned of this while i was pregnant and i really had to watch what I ate due to having gestational diabetes.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

If I wanted a teenage boy I'd date a teenage boy. I don't think androgyny is hot I want a curvy woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> If I wanted a teenage boy I'd date a teenage boy. I don't think androgyny is hot I want a curvy woman.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Yes and lots of men feel this way, luckily. I think my fiance wouldn't care if I lost some weight but he would be turned off if I became skinny.

I have boobs and an ass, which I happen to like a lot. 

Also to not expect your partners body to change over time and not gain any weight is ridiculous and unnatural. I don't expect him to stay that same either. It would be different if I gained 60 pounds, because then my health would suffer.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

I'm not defending the insensitivity of your husband. I am also not suggesting that 20 pounds is either "insignificant" or "too much." That notwithstanding, I want to make a case. I hope this doesn't sound harsh.

As a woman gains weight, she begins to lose her shape. Specific visual cues that a man requires to be aroused -- (some men being vastly more sensitive than others) -- greatly diminish when this happens, and it's going to hurt not just his libido, but also his self esteem. 

A woman who makes it a PRIORITY to stay fit for her husband demonstrates by her actions how very important he is to her. Besides this she achieves a confidence from the results of her good self-discipline. Realize: there is no proxy for self achievement!

When you're on the beach with hubby, no amount of kind words from him will ever convince you that you look as amazing as the girl who spent the time and energy practicing a healthy, fit lifestyle and who looks awesome in that swimsuit. You will always feel second best. Don't cast the monkey upon your husband's back. Take up the gauntlet yourself. Then challenge him to do the same. 

Do it for yourself FIRST. This is meant to be symmetric, by the way. Couples should keep each other accountable for keeping fit and looking good, as long as age and general health are enough on their side to do so.


Good luck with dear hubby. I hope you all get it worked out peacefully!

-seahorse


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

If he is attracted to you, partially based on physical appearance, then 20 lbs is an issue (for him).

If he 'got you' one way and now that he 'has you' you've changed (physically), then he has a right to say something, right?

I've had weight issues in the past and my husband currently has them. 

When I was heavy, he said something - did it hurt my feelings, sure - I was under the impression that you love someone no matter what - but love is never unconditional - it doesn't work that way. He was turned off by my fat - he said so - it was up to me to take him seriously, do something about it or ignore him and have him lose desire for me - my choice.

I made the choice that it was important to him that I be attractive to him and he doesn't like fat women - shallow, sure - but he's very visual, I knew this from the beginning, can't expect him to change now.

So if it's turning him off, then lose it - if not, shallow, selfish, whatever you want to call him, you'll lose him.

Your choice...


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

I will always love my wife, no matter how much weight she gains. But at some point I will completely lose attraction to her. For me personally, that is well south of +50 pounds. 

MarriedWifeInLove, you took the high road. If all women reasoned as you did, there would be fewer divorces. 



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> If he is attracted to you, partially based on physical appearance, then 20 lbs is an issue (for him).
> 
> If he 'got you' one way and now that he 'has you' you've changed (physically), then he has a right to say something, right?
> 
> ...


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## Sierra61 (Feb 22, 2010)

I disagree that people's bodies necessarily need to change as they age. If this is the case, then why can't bodies be superior at 50 than they were at 20?

I met my husband when we were both 15 and are still together, 30 years later. I was 5'9 then and weighed 122, and weigh 130 now, but am more muscular. Same with him, he's only gained 4 or 5 pounds.

Both of us exercise 90 mins. a day, run marathons and make it an absolute priority to stay in tip-top shape.

So an extra 20 pounds is a HUGE deal to some people. My philosophy is that people should fight aging and try to remain as young-feeling and young-acting as they can. Not getting fat goes a long way in that direction.

A lot of men are attracted to big women and that's fine. But if your husband happens to not fall in that category, then you shouldn't be overweight.


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## TheWickedPixie (Jun 9, 2017)

lmao.... also why women like porn. you guys with your pot bellies and stubby little ****s...hahaha
I'm female and 100% visual .... that **** about sex being emotional for women is nonsense.


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