# Yes I've slapped my bf in the past (though not too hard), is this still abuse?



## RKelly97 (Oct 16, 2014)

I've recently considered seeking a counselor once I turned 18 because I actually feel guilt. However, this is new to me that this is also considered abuse and I thought what I was doing was only being rude and disrespectful or having girly tantrums (when she got upset) that goes away.

I thought abuse is the big school bully a big bad man literally either punching/beating up (or even just getting in her face) his gf/fiancee. The type that creates straight forward fear, can cause physical damages and you really felt threatened.

My aunt left her fiance because of that, after many months of others telling her to leave him. She's been single for 3 years now and still wants nothing to do with dating. Until not so long ago, I thought that was abuse, nothing else. 

*In my relationship:*
We've been dating for 15 months now. He's 19 and I'll be turning 18 on Oct. 28th. Though our relationship is overall great, once in a while (not often) there have been a couple arguments and it's really me the one that gets angry more quicker. The first time, it was a bit of yelling and backing him on the wall (I was 16 then). Later on a couple distant occasions, I do admit to yelling and slapping him but not too hard, nothing too serious.

Though the last time was like 3 weeks ago, I've been feeling guilt and now do wonder if besides guys' typical emotions mainly being anger and frustration, can he actually be feeling hurt, in a similar way to my aunt?

I ask this because it’s like he forgets it quickly, apparently brushes it off and things go back to normal after like 20 mins or so. He doesn’t mention it nor express feeling hurt. Starting to feel bad to be honest. And when I mentioned this somewhere else online, others told me this is abuse too.


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## RKelly97 (Oct 16, 2014)

I'm recently beginning to be aware of things and of this being called abuse too. Another I was having a hard time with this being called abuse is because while I'm only 5'4 and 130 lbs, my bf is 5'11 and nearly 180 lbs. In my mind I was like ''How can this be abuse if he clearly overweights me and is a obviously a lot stronger, he even used to play basketball in HS''.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Yes it is. How will you react if and when he slaps you back?


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

You, my dear, are physically abusive. Men have the same emotions as women, men do feel hurt too.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

Yes. This is abuse. It doesn't matter if he's bigger than you.

You are playing a dangerous game where you end up getting hurt yourself if you push him hard and far enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Yes.Hitting him is abuse.Backing him into the wall is abuse.If you're namecalling,that's abuse too.


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## RKelly97 (Oct 16, 2014)

richie33 said:


> Yes it is. How will you react if and when he slaps you back?


He's a deep southern, traditional guy so it would shocking. 
I know this is hypocritical of me to say but I've always felt safe with him, so the idea of him getting violent doesn't come in my mind. I don't think I would see him the same way again.

But I actually don't want to slap him anymore. I really feel bad even if he forgets about it and doesn't express his hurt to me. I feel like apologizing honestly. The only time I've said sorry was the first time when I backed him on the wall and haven't said it since. I think I'm going to bring the topic sometime this week, even if he doesn't and apologize.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

On one hand, little smack accross the face/head is what most men need....no big deal.

On the other hand, if you don't want/like HIM to smack you than yeah.....don't do it to him.

Treat others the way you want to be treated.

Do NOT lay your HANDS on a man. The second you do, all bets are off and our defensive instincts kick in.

I don't believe in "you can NEVER lay a hand on a woman" thing. If ANYONE (men or women) comes at me and tries to hurt me in a physical manner, I'm defending myself. Doesn't apply to smacking......

Sorry


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## RKelly97 (Oct 16, 2014)

JustTired said:


> You, my dear, are physically abusive. Men have the same emotions as women, men do feel hurt too.


It would be more easier if they just admitted to feeling hurt. I would have understand them and stop it quicker. When he brushed it off the last time (and all the other times), at first I thought it's because he doesn't mind too much.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

RKelly97 said:


> It would be more easier if they just admitted to feeling hurt. I would have understand them and stop it quicker. When he brushed it off the last time (and all the other times), at first I thought it's because he doesn't mind too much.


boys are raised to think they're a p*ssy or a "sissy" if they express feelings of hurt or sadness about being abused by a girl. He didn't say anything bc he's programmed to just take it and deal with it.Instead of relying on him to tell you when you've been abusive,learn to police yourself and change yourself. just because this particular person takes it from you doesn't mean the next won't knock you on your butt.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

what part of hitting someone when you get angry seems ok?

IT IS NEVER OK TO HIT SOMONE just because your angry or not getting your way!

NEVER

I think you cool for self reflecting and coming to this conclusion on your own.

no enact it in your everyday life and your life will be much better.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> what part of hitting someone when you get angry seems ok?
> 
> IT IS NEVER OK TO HIT SOMONE just because your angry or not getting your way!
> 
> NEVER


I agree. Don't you learn that when your like 2 years old?


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## RKelly97 (Oct 16, 2014)

DoF said:


> I don't believe in "you can NEVER lay a hand on a woman" thing. If ANYONE (men or women) comes at me and tries to hurt me in a physical manner, I'm defending myself. Doesn't apply to smacking......


I think I can compare those times I would get upset and slap him kind of similar to when some kid is throwing a fit and smacks you but you mainly will only feel annoyed, not really threatened.

In my mind, I was never trying to hurt him in a serious way but it was more like an ''Ok, I'm upset now, not thinking logically (there were certain times this happened when I just happened to be on my period too)''. 

*Yes chillymorn, *I'm becoming more aware of how wrong this is too. I do want to make things better.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

RKelly97 said:


> I think I can compare those times I would get upset and slap him kind of similar to when some kid is throwing a fit and smacks you but you mainly will only feel annoyed, not really threatened.
> 
> In my mind, I was never trying to hurt him in a serious way but it was more like an ''Ok, I'm upset now, not thinking logically (there were certain times this happened when I just happened to be on my period too)''.
> 
> *Yes chillymorn, *I'm becoming more aware of how wrong this is too. I do want to make things better.


You're doing what abusers do and minimizing the situation.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's not ok to hit. You should have learned that around age 3. At 18, it's called "assault". In my state (Tennessee) it's a class A misdemeanor and you can go to jail 11 months and 29 days. Hit a dating or married partner or a blood relative and it's "domestic assault". Get convicted of that and you lose your 2nd Amendment rights for the rest of your life in addition to all the fines and potential jail time. Doesn't matter how sorry, how sweet, how pretty, or how young you are or what pissed you off so badly. If the police show up on a Domestic violence call and find you are the aggressor, they have no choice but to take you to jail.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

funny how you chose the name of a celeb who is being accused of physical/domestic abuse

do you also pee on him?


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

This is abuse. YOU are abusive. It doesn’t matter what your height, weight or gender are. You are using your body to try to intimidate your boyfriend during arguments. Man, woman, dog, cat or child. Nobody likes being hit. Nobody likes being pushed into the corner.

As a woman, when it comes to domestic violence, you have “female privilege”. Although your boyfriend could physically overpower you. Legally, speaking the onus is usually on the man to prove that he was the one being attacked when it comes to women. So even if he defended himself as is his right to do so, if he took it too far he would probably be the one going to jail and not you. Morally, he is also likely fighting a battle within himself not to raise his hand to you. As boys are raised never to hit women because they are stronger than women. We have sayings like “pick someone your own size” because it’s shameful for anyone to use their strength to bully or assault someone who is smaller and weaker than them. 

Add to the above paragraph that if the cops were called (maybe even not by him but by neighbours who heard you fighting) and you were arrested and charged, socially there is not a lot of support out there for battered men. Friends/family may ridicule him for letting a woman beat him. If you escalate your abuse and start using weapons against him, putting his life in danger, there are no domestic violence shelters out there for men to turn to. So because of the above, I sometimes feel that female on male abuse is just as bad, if not sometimes worse than male on female violence. 

Yelling in his face, I’m assuming you swear and call names in addition to backing him into the wall and slapping him are also abusive behaviours.

Don’t assume what your boyfriends emotions about this are. Just because he doesn’t talk to you about it, just because he may at times try to brush it off when you try to talk to him about it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt him. In addition to being raised not to hit us, many men were also raised not to show emotions. Absence of evidence isn’t evidence of absence. As is the case with emotions. Men and women have the same feelings. However women are raised to express them, men were raised to hide or deny them. 

Even if he brushes it off, you need to get this under control. If your boyfriend is truly okay with it, it just shows how little he thinks of himself. A man of self worth and high esteem would know that he deserves better than to be hit, yelled at or called names by anyone. Especially a woman that claims she loves him. His acceptance of this is enabling you to be this way. You know he’ll put up with it, you feel safe to act out and take things out on him so you do it. His enabling of you could possibly be co-dependence on you. A sign that he’s not healthy either. Whether or not he takes it seriously, you should. Especially before you become an adult and start having kids. You can’t raise good children if you’re having temper tantrums like children do.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Depends on what you define as a "not so hard slap".

Maybe it's not even as bad as people seem to be thinking. 

Does it leave a mark?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

To me the deeper issue is that you feel justified and entitled. More than getting smacked around that would send me packing.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

RKelly97 said:


> I think I can compare those times I would get upset and slap him kind of similar to when some kid is throwing a fit and smacks you but you mainly will only feel annoyed, not really threatened.
> 
> In my mind, I was never trying to hurt him in a serious way but it was more like an ''Ok, I'm upset now, not thinking logically (there were certain times this happened when I just happened to be on my period too)''.
> 
> *Yes chillymorn, *I'm becoming more aware of how wrong this is too. I do want to make things better.


but do you want to be a kid with tantrums in relationship, or equal partner?

yelling and slapping will damage the best of relationships in a long term, even if he seems to be brushing it off


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

In this particular area...I am all for tit for tat. If you hit him, he has every right under the sun to smack you back and call it self defense. I don't care how small you are. You seem to feel pretty big when you smack a much larger person.

He is showing extreme restraint. In the moment you hit him, he does probably want to raise his hand back....it's only natural. He doesn't. That says he has a good head on his shoulders. 

What you're doing is abuse. It doesn't matter if you're a girl. Men feel the same things women do, they just don't show it as much. Society tells women they have to be size 2 super model porn stars. That same society tells men that if they have any strong feelings (love, hurt, etc) about anything...they are less of a man so they keep quiet about it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

lenzi said:


> Depends on what you define as a "not so hard slap".
> 
> Maybe it's not even as bad as people seem to be thinking.
> 
> Does it leave a mark?


Doesn't have to leave a mark. Doesn't even have to make physical contact. Read your state's assault statute.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Depends on what you define as a "not so hard slap".
> 
> Maybe it's not even as bad as people seem to be thinking.
> 
> Does it leave a mark?


Spitting doesn't leave a mark. Personally, I'd find that more offensive. Funnily enough, it's still considered abusive and in civil courts, battery.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RKelly97 said:


> I'm recently beginning to be aware of things and of this being called abuse too. Another I was having a hard time with this being called abuse is because while I'm only 5'4 and 130 lbs, my bf is 5'11 and nearly 180 lbs. In my mind I was like ''How can this be abuse if he clearly overweights me and is a obviously a lot stronger, he even used to play basketball in HS''.


You have ANGER issues RKelly97.. I am going to say your BF must see something good, something redeeming to have stuck around.. but as others are saying here.. THIS IS CLASSIC ABUSE from a woman.. and it does hurt him.. it is emasculating to a man to DISRESPECT HIM like that.. 

It's surprising he hasn't walked away .... no man wants heightened DRAMA, raging disrespect that goes Physical on him.. sure he has diminished it, but this doesn't take it away or mean it is OK by any means. 

I feel you need to read up on these things more so.. and for the sake of all your future relationships, also having children someday...you need to get a reign on your temper...how you deal with it.. more constructive outlets, using communication effectively -over "angry force" to manipulate and control ...

Dangerous Dating: When Men are Abused by Female Partners


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

RKelly97 said:


> I think I can compare those times I would get upset and slap him kind of similar to when some kid is throwing a fit and smacks you but you mainly will only feel annoyed, not really threatened.
> 
> In my mind, I was never trying to hurt him in a serious way but it was more like an ''Ok, I'm upset now, not thinking logically (there were certain times this happened when I just happened to be on my period too)''.
> 
> *Yes chillymorn, *I'm becoming more aware of how wrong this is too. I do want to make things better.



Regardless, don't do it. He can be pissed or angry and react in a way in which you DO NOT want him to.

DO NOT push people's buttons is what I recommend. You just don't know how they will react.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

After divorcing my ex-wife I thought about a few times where she physically hit me. It was still rare (probably can count it on one hand in a 18 year relationship) but at least once or twice it was meant to hurt (like you, I was generally bigger and stronger than her so it didn't hurt as much as if it was the other way around). 

I guess I'm proud to say that I never responded in kind. I may sometimes yell and slam a door, but it never crossed my mind to hit, or even hit back. I feel a lot better that no matter how upset my current girlfriend gets at me I don't think she would ever hit. It should never be an option. 

So yes its abuse, but at least you recognize it as such and can stop it. Don't do it!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Rkelly97
OK, never do it again, ever, no matter what he does. 

If you don't think you can control your anger, then you need therapy. If you ever hit him again, get help.

If you can stick with that, then things are OK.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

It's actually up to him to decide if he finds it abusive.

And up to you to stop if you find it abusive.

It's very likely that he doesn't feel "abused", but you're showing a lot of guilt and remorse, so it's best you stop immediately and apologize if you believe you've wronged him.

Me personally? Outside of a playful slap, I will NOT tolerate a woman hitting me. She'd get one warning that if she ever slapped me again, don't be surprised if she gets a backhand response. I don't play that crap that men "need" to be slapped, or "deserve" physical assault just because the person on the other end of the hit has a vagina.


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## RKelly97 (Oct 16, 2014)

Thank you all. I'm still reading all of your replies.

Miss Taken, 
That was a helpful insight. Yes, when I was yelling at him in those occasions I had called him stupid and tell him the f word. Then immediately after I would get upset, I would slowly calmed down again. I didn't mean all those things. I still love him. That's my first and only relationship. I'm also his first. 

SimplyAmorous,
Thank you for the link you just send me. I'm still reading it. It's opening to my eyes to what exactly abuse can also be. I'm ashamed/guilty of my behavior that I haven't share this with any of my friends nor family members. 

lenzi,
No, my slaps never felt marks nor bruises on him. To most, it was an average and quick tap.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Ask yourself a simple question "Would I want to be treated that way?"

There is your answer.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

its not abuse ONLY if you are wearing a leather push up bustier, spike heel lace up boots, leather panties, and a riding crop. THEN you can slap away!

Otherwise, learn to control yourself.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Doesn't have to leave a mark. Doesn't even have to make physical contact. Read your state's assault statute.


Well for example, we were at a county fair last month and my girlfriend got tired of me checking out some of the young scenery.

So she smack/slapped the back of my head. Not hard, more of an attention getter, frustration type of thing. 

Not really seeing that as abuse. Maybe I should, and I should file a domestic violence report on her?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

lenzi, we WERE going to ask you why you had that bald spot on the back of your head.....:rofl:


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

murphy5 said:


> lenzi, we WERE going to ask you why you had that bald spot on the back of your head.....:rofl:


I thought it was because I was getting old.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RKelly97 said:


> SimplyAmorous,
> Thank you for the link you just send me. I'm still reading it. It's opening to my eyes to what exactly abuse can also be. *I'm ashamed/guilty of my behavior that I haven't share this with any of my friends nor family members.
> *
> lenzi,
> No, my slaps never felt marks nor bruises on him. To most, it was an average and quick tap.


The fact you are CARING, feeling guilty, shame ,remorse is a GOOD THING.. when we do things wrong, hurtful to someone else.. we are supposed to have THAT reaction.. it shows we have a conscience, we are capable of remorse, empathy for another and self awareness enough to look at what we did.. and then want to *make it right*...so we can then look in the mirror again..

This man has stood by you this long..come clean.. tell him how you are feeling... apologize deeply from your heart and work on this.. become more accountable WITH HIM.. I have no doubt since he's still there, he must love you enough to help you in any way he can ! You got a keeper there so treat him with care.. not every woman has a man like that. 

I don't see it necessary to share with your friends & family.. it's more about coming to the realization of what needs to change, working on it.. it's between you & him.

Keep reading.. that's how we learn & grow...this could be a new beginning for you both..


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

There is never a reason to lay your hand in someone you supposedly love and care about.

Is this something you have always done? Friends? Other family? Become physical and verbally abusive? Were you treated this way as a child?

It may or may not bother your boyfriend. But say you pull this on the next guy, and maybe he's had a beer too many. And he hits you back. Harder. Now he's in jail on a domestic violence charge that you instigated. Think about it.

I suggest therapy. Are you in college? The college offers counseling for free.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Admitting to the problem is great and I applaud that. But without professional help she will keep doing it over and over. She's done this several times, they've been dating less than two years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Well for example, we were at a county fair last month and my girlfriend got tired of me checking out some of the young scenery.
> 
> So she smack/slapped the back of my head. Not hard, more of an attention getter, frustration type of thing.
> 
> Not really seeing that as abuse. Maybe I should, and I should file a domestic violence report on her?


I wouldn't consider that abusive because you don't consider it so.

In the same way that both my wife and I are free to fondle each others' body while the other is asleep, yet some people would feel violated and consider that sexual assault, even in the context of a marriage.

Yes there are men who feel violated by a slap, punch, hit, verbal tirade, etc, but who will never verbalize it. But if someone genuinely doesn't see a bit of behavior as abusive, than it can't be considered abuse in their situation.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

RKelly, 
You are young (still a minor in the US) Much or your misunderstanding is a result of your culture. We could go over that more but it is mostly covered already.

I'm wondering if you are as southern as he is. If not, what you have is a serous misunderstanding due to a culture clash. If you are as southern as he is then you need to be told that you are not being gracious. Frankly That is all the advice a southern girl would need to know how to fix this.

If on the other hand, you are a Northern or Western girl who got lucky enough to know a southern man, then you need to understand what he has grown up with and what he expects.

So, Which is it?
MN


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I wouldn't consider that abusive because you don't consider it so.
> 
> But if someone genuinely doesn't see a bit of behavior as abusive, than it can't be considered abuse in their situation.


So a woman who gets the crap beat out of her by an abusive husband; who thinks she deserves it, because it's all as her fault and she doesn't see his behavior as abusive, is not being abused?


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## OnlyQueen (Oct 19, 2013)

The OP is indeed abusive to her bf and she's lucky this man is still on her side but if she doesn't stop, he can walk away from her life. A human can only take so much until they say ''enough'' and leave. Then she might not be too lucky with the next man because some guys are the Ray Rice types that hit back women and don't care.

With my then bf, he would have left me had I pull this thing on him. Though he also isn't the type to hit back women, he's the type that would have walk away right on the first episode. Many guy would have pack their bags too but the fact that he's staying means he must really love her so much and maybe thinks he can help her. 

The OP should seeking a therapist indeed. 

There are three types of men and you never know who you can land into:

The soft types: Woman is lucky to have such a kind man like the OP, who might think that he can change her and even wants to help her, while deep inside thinks he must be doing something wrong. This man also has some type of self-esteem issues and just like abused women, is indeed an enabler. It might end with the woman finally getting arrested but after so long of him putting up with it and by then he's a broken depressed man.

Good men but stable, not a pushover: My then bf types that would have left and not speak to her again after the first violent episode. Though they also don't hit women, this doesn't mean they'll tolerate that. They are called the stable types that don't put up with drama in relationship and can break up for something much less than what the OP did. 

The vengeful (I have no problems showing I can hurt you too) types: Those either have no problems hitting back women or can even Ray Rice her. These types have their own anger issue as well too and are into tit-for-tat when it comes with a woman slapping them. The woman obviously puts herself in danger and the man is still more likely to get arrested. 

Obviously 1st and 3rd types are both polar extremes. The 2nd types are the ones right in the middle, kind, respectful towards women but have no problems packing their bags if treated poorly right the first time or second.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

lenzi said:


> So a woman who gets the crap beat out of her by an abusive husband; who thinks she deserves it, because it's all as her fault and she doesn't see his behavior as abusive, is not being abused?


Every adult, of right, sound, sane mind gets to define what they consider "abuse".

However what you described isn't remotely what I'm talking about. Thinking you deserve abuse is not the same thing remotely as not feeling abused.

Please don't assume a battered woman doesn't realize she's being abused, even if psychologically she feels she "deserves" it. That is really not how it works.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I'll never understand how people can get so mad at someone enough to hit them. How does causing physical pain to someone prove that you are right? There is no argument in this world that deserves this type of behavior.

What is so earth shattering at 18 years old to feel so out of control, so aggressively angry, unable to use common sense? It's ok to disagree, but to use physical violence to end the dispute will escalate in the future when you have to prove how right you are again.

When you can't shut off that feeling of proving your power by physical exertion, what next?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

there are consequences to violence. What if you slap him around, and he retaliates, and you end up in a hospital? have you thought of that?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

You need to see a therapist.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

RKelly97 said:


> It would be more easier if they just admitted to feeling hurt. I would have understand them and stop it quicker. When he brushed it off the last time (and all the other times), at first I thought it's because he doesn't mind too much.


You should probably be arrested.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Rkelly97,

Its great that your seeking help. Now its up to you to change your ways!

good luck.


go to your husband and apologize and tell him your seeking help for this it would go a long way in his eyes.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I', with the others, no matter how small or weak you are compared to your partner, you should not him. It's as much a symbolic act as a literal one.

My first husband was passive aggressive and I found myself upping the ante to get a reaction out of him I really scared myself when I contemplated hitting him.

Perhaps your partner's lack of reaction to you influences you to that type of behavior. Have you tried exploring this in counseling or elsewhere?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

lenzi said:


> Well for example, we were at a county fair last month and my girlfriend got tired of me checking out some of the young scenery.
> 
> So she smack/slapped the back of my head. Not hard, more of an attention getter, frustration type of thing.
> 
> Not really seeing that as abuse. Maybe I should, and I should file a domestic violence report on her?


As you weren't in fear, weren't injured, and didn't find the contact offensive, or provocative, you wouldn't be much of an assault victim. What you should do is invest in a pair of dark or mirror lens shades or learn how to use your peripheral vision.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> Spitting doesn't leave a mark. Personally, I'd find that more offensive. Funnily enough, it's still considered abusive and in civil courts, battery.


Too bad Because that seems a perfect male response to female abuse.


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