# I need advice



## xyurocket (Mar 18, 2011)

*cheating wife, heartbroken, confused...please help.*

I'm sorry for the length of my post, but I feel I have to be somewhat detailed... 

My wife and I have been married for 8.5 years. We met online 12 years ago and she came over from Sweden 9 years ago. I took care of all of her paperwork and she was granted legal permanent residence. From the day she arrived here, I have provided everything for her. She has not worked a day in her life as long as she has been with me. We have had a fairly rocky relationship due to some financial issues mostly but there is no absence of great times we have shared. We are well traveled, go to concerts, attend countless Florida Panthers games, and have great sex fairly often.

My mother recently had to move in with us about 3 months ago. I noticed soon after that my wife was acting very strangely. She would claim to walk the dog at 1am and then come back 1-2 hours later. She would never let me hold her phone if I asked just to use the maps even. When I walked into the room, she would quickly change the screen on the computer; this had actually been going of for 2 years or so. She would also claim to go to job interviews but would never let me take her and would never say where she was going exactly. One of my biggest concerns was that she was growing more and more unmoved when we had sex.

This all started to make me suspicious and I finally confronted her about why she kept changing the screen when I walked in. She just said she was looking at some picture of a shirtless guy and didn't want me to be offended. I decided to really find out what it was and installed some monitoring software on the computer. I checked the results and sure enough, I found some messages that sank my heart to the bottom of the ocean.  

She was flirting with a man on a hockey board telling him that the guy she's with right now is 25. I'm 31 so that isn't me. I showed her the message and asked her wtf all of this was and she immediately tried to close the window and started telling me, "no, baby...please. baby." She said she was just lying to someone. She said she has a secret life online because I don't allow her to have a real life. I asked to see her phone and she would not give it up. I asked to see her Google Voice account but she never let me saying that it's her privacy and that I can't take that from her. I then asked her if she was cheating on me and she could not answer me saying that she can't talk because she is out of breath and all this. At this point, I knew it had to be true.

We argued for a few hours very early in the morning and although she still did not show me any of what I wanted to see, she finally told me she is not cheating and we went to bed in an "ok" state of mind. We woke up, had sex and then soon after I started questioning her again. She refused to show me anything and assured me that she is not cheating. As, I left to work, I told her that I would not take her word for it and that unless she showed me her phone and Google Voice that we are done.

While on my way to work, I made up my mind that I wanted her out of my apartment. I told her to leave via text and she did not respond. I called and called and she finally answered and said that she can't talk and hung up. At this point I came home from my break and saw that she was talking to someone. I demanded to know who and to give me the phone so I know for sure. She refused to give it to me. I tried to take it and she started yelling at the top of her lungs and fell to the floor on her own. She asked the person on the phone to send police.

When they got there, she told them I attacked her and wrestled her down to the ground. I told them all I was trying to do was to take her phone because I want to know if she's cheating on me. They said that is a crime and I got arrested.

I got out of jail on $500 bond and with an order to not contact her and to stay at least 500 feet away. I can't go back to my apartment until the court date if that. I also got served with a restraining order. She closed our bank account and kept whatever money was left. She removed me as an authorized user from the only credit card we had together and added someone else and a mailing address.

When she finally allowed my party to pick my computer 3 days later, I got to look at some of the screen shots and finally saw some from Google Voice that I missed before. She has been going back and forth with a man and they're saying "I love you" to each other and calling each other "babe". There was another Google Voice message where she was talking to another guy saying "I love y'all too". 

This whole thing has emotionally drained me. This has been the absolute worst week of my life and I am just desperate for answers. I still love her and am constantly thinking about her and I miss her very much.  But is it worth it to stay with someone who puts you through this?

I tried to include all the details but it would make this way too long. Please. I would like any feedback. Should I just go for divorce and risk having to pay alimony? Or should I try to fix it with her? I haven't even gotten to talk to her since I was making phone calls from jail and may still not be able for another month until the restrictions on me are removed. When I asked her about it before I was arrested, she said that I'm the one bringing up divorce.


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

I think its over dude. That **** totally sucks.


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## xyurocket (Mar 18, 2011)

justsam said:


> I think its over dude. That **** totally sucks.


That seems to be the popular response. My family, many of my friends and coworkers who know her, and even one of the cops and my lawyer are saying to leave her. That i can do better. Why, oh why, do I want to continue being with her?


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## mama wonder (Feb 10, 2011)

As callous as it might sound, you need to ditch her.

You might also need to get some counseling.

She does not take a shred of your good hearted intentions to mind.

And you still want to be with her?

She is like a drug in your system.

Get a divorce and get her out!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Divorce her sorry a**! You gave her everything and what did she do? She cheated, lied straight faced to you and then when you tried to save your marriage, she had you thrown in jail and iced you from your own home. You don't have kids with her (I pray that you don't!), and she'll probably get some sap to marry her, so don't worry too much about alimony, and get all the advice from your lawyer.


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## xyurocket (Mar 18, 2011)

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I'm gaining a much better understanding about why I should divorce with every day. 

It really just breaks my heart that one minute you've known someone forever, and the next you have no idea who she is anymore.  I will forever remember the cold icy stare she gave me when I realized it.


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## Currant (Mar 18, 2011)

No one deserves what has happened to you and I'm sorry that it has. You want to be with her because you love her, but I believe that you need to try your hardest to view the situation objectively. It's tough but you shouldn't devote yourself to someone who has been gone and has shown complete and utter disrespect for you.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

I agree with everyone else, **** that *****! This ain't even about love anymore since she locked you out of your accounts and home and got you arrested. Remember who you are and stand strong.


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## justbe (Mar 19, 2011)

if you have considered completely that you need to divorce her. then proceed and i pray you will have the new better life or maybe one day you find the right person, but my advice is that please do not consider to be with someone at this moment until you will be ready for a new relationship. GBU


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