# Found out about my wifes affair but she will never admit it



## J707 (Mar 15, 2018)

Ok, so I have been separated for 3 months now and heading into divorce soon. My wife and I have been together for over 17 years, and married for almost 10. We have a 16 year old boy and a 10 year old daughter. We were only 20 when we had our son. Back in 2010 I found out my wife was going behind my back and hooking up with women. Emails confirmed yet she still denied it. Like a fool in love, I gave her my consent to go and live out this part of her since I couldn't provide that for her. Through out the coming years she would meet up and have sex with women with me. While it did bother me and she knew it we made things work. 

She still denies to this day that she never hooked up with out me knowing. To my knowledge she hasn't seen any woman in a few years. Last year around August and September I noticed she was acting weird and different. Keeping to herself a lot, something wasn't right. I asked her in early October what was going on, are you cheating on me. She started crying and told me she wasn't happy anymore and that she was pretty sure I wasn't either. I told her I was completly happy and we both had an emotional conversation. That night the california fires hit and we were forced to evacuate. 

By the time we got back to normal after that I asked her exactly what was going on. She told me sometimes its my attitude and being short with her, sometimes I was. I worked on myself. In December I found a letter that she had written but didn't give to me. It said she wanted to separate and that there was no romance from both sides and that she wanted to be in a relationship with a woman. She deactivated her facebook around the time I saw the letter. I didn't say anything to her about the letter but tried to give her more compliments and being more romantic with her. 

I honestly thought things were ok, I cooked everynight, did the dishes, did the laundry, worked full time and was always taking the kids to school and doing what I could as a family man. Maybe we were stuck in a rut of family life and working but it wasn't all that bad. I brought up the letter and she said she wanted to separate still. Weeks later I left to stay at my moms while she stayed at the house. We split the kids 50/50. 

We were supposed to go on dates every week but all I got was Valentines day dinner and a good bye love making. She led me on and told me what I needed to here to get me out with hope we could work on things. A month into it I found out she had rented an airbnb. She told me she meet a woman. I bought it, turns out it was another man. She had rented 4 airbnbs within a couple of weeks and denies having an affair before we separated. I found out from my daughter about the guy. She introduced him as her friend and took the kids to 6 flags on spring break. A week later she picked up my daughter for a bday party and he was in the car, i didn't know at the time. 

When my daughter came home I asked her about the party and she told me her friend was with mom. She told me about 6flags. It was the first time I had heard about him. My wife told me she just met him a few weeks ago and she trust him around the kids. Then it was a month ago she couldnt remember. I have caught her in lie after lie in all this. It all makes sense dated back to last year that she had this guy giving her the attention and telling her what she needed that boring old family me didn't. She started going to the gym last year, would stop by a friends house after the gym so I didn't really think anthing of it at the time. 

She started to fall in love with him and started to fall out of love with me. She stopped wearing her wedding ring because she said that her fingers were the only thing that was losing weight. She is playing victim and now I am to blame for everything and I mean everything. Its like she read the affair 101 textbook, everything adds up. I was to in love to see it before. I told her it takes two for a failed marriage but it also takes two to rebuild it. She left this marriage a while ago. She is a piece of work. 

Her family has my back and she wont even talk to mine. I am filing for divorce soon. This has been the hardest thing in my life to overcome. All the feelings, sleepless night, she will never know what she has done to me. Im trying to pick myself up but its hard the whole way she went about everything including us separting and leading me on to think I had a chance to get her back. I wish she would leave my head but sometimes its all I think about. She doesn't deserve me and I know Ill be better off down the road but its still hard. She tore my family apart for her own selfish reasons. 

I know I played apart in not giving her the affection this guy did but its a lot easier for someone on the outside to say things to make her feel special and not having to deal with all that we had in our daily lives. The excitement for her will die down and she will regret it. Im trying to stay strong for myself and my kids but its hard.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

She blames you because you let her blame you, you allowed to rugsweep most of this instead of giving her walking papers months or years ago...instead you remained silent and now your paying the price for it...enough is enough, file for divorce and be done with her and stop for blame shifting tell she is a cheater and you will not except this man or any man around your daughter and you will take her to court...time to put on your big boy pants NOW!!!!


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

That was so sad. I really feel for you.

You are too good for her. It will be hard but it is best that you move on. You should read up on the “180”. I recommend working out in the gym. She is a serial cheater and I doubt very much she will ever change.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

So you've tried the "Nicing her back" approach. Never works. Bud, you can work yourself into the ground and all that does is make you look weak and unnattractive. 

All cheaters lie hide and deny. Your problem is she got anything she wanted while you stood back and got played for a fool. 

Let her go. Now. Cut off all contact expect text or email kids and business only.

However, you seem to be the type that is to weak to apply no contact. If you don't you'll just linger in this.

Never be a doormat. Look what it gets you.

The only one that can keep you in this is you.


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## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

Well, what did you expect? You allowed intimacy to be devalued with a open marriage. You enjoyed these other women, and you are surprised that she enjoyed another guy and left you? Really? 

A confidant man came along and said "You are special, I would never share you" and that is all she wrote. Your demise is self inflicted. Best to move on.


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## J707 (Mar 15, 2018)

I never hooked up with any of the woman that she did, it was only her. I've never even seen her kiss another woman. I have always been faithful through out our 17 year relationship. I know it was a mistake looking back and I am paying the price for that. I know I will walk away stronger then ever and it'll take time. She took full advantage of my kindness and now she doesn't have control of me anymore. We only talk now about the kids and divorce. I know I'm a fool for the things I did or didn't do.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

J707 said:


> I never hooked up with any of the woman that she did, it was only her. I've never even seen her kiss another woman. I have always been faithful through out our 17 year relationship. I know it was a mistake looking back and I am paying the price for that. I know I will walk away stronger then ever and it'll take time. She took full advantage of my kindness and now she doesn't have control of me anymore. We only talk now about the kids and divorce. I know I'm a fool for the things I did or didn't do.


If you really want to move on here's the best way.

Communicate by text or email only. Keep that to a minimum kids, business only. Never answer her phone calls direct. Let it go to voicemail and only respond to kids or business related items. Ignore the rest.

Pickup and drop offs limit to a 3 minute exercise with zero engagement. 

Never go into her home or allow her into yours.

Keep all holidays, birthdays separate. You aren't a family anymore.

Like most cheaters she'll want to be friends. A friend is loyal honest and trustworthy. Don't do it because it will be all for her not you.

Don't bite on the guilt trips such as "do it for the kids, etc.

If you can do a hard 180 no conract you'll find this is your only path If you want to be free of this.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Personally I don't think you could have done anything that would have made a difference. She has always had the mindset of a serial cheater and there is nothing that could change that. Serial cheaters are just broken. Nothing can fix that.


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## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

J707 said:


> I never hooked up with any of the woman that she did, it was only her. I've never even seen her kiss another woman. I have always been faithful through out our 17 year relationship. I know it was a mistake looking back and I am paying the price for that. I know I will walk away stronger then ever and it'll take time. She took full advantage of my kindness and now she doesn't have control of me anymore. We only talk now about the kids and divorce. I know I'm a fool for the things I did or didn't do.


Some times we learn some hard lessons. Shake this off and move forward a stronger man.


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## J707 (Mar 15, 2018)

My daughter told me when they were at 6 flags that he said he remembered her when she was about 7. I asked my wife and she said "What? Nope she must have been mistaken. I asked my daughter about it a week later and she said "Well mom said that it was a coworker that we saw in the street that said that." Then she said "I didn't say I was 100% sure thats what he said. My wife trying to cover her tracks. Kids are pretty damn smart and when she first told me she had no idea and was just telling me about the day and what happened. Im not sure if this has been going on for that long or it happened before and they reconnected.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

She always was selfish and you were OK with it. It wasn't as bad before, but she was the same "piece of work" back then that she is now.

You understand the "affair 101 textbook," so you are ahead of the game. You know the score, you were just surprised, you thought you knew her level of selfishness. She has exceeded what you thought. You don't realize it now, but you will be much happier when she is further away in your rearview mirror. You'll have to deal with her with your kids for the rest of your life, but you will soon find out how sought-after a guy like you is.

You could have been a better husband. That is always a true statement. But you were a good husband. The kind of husband who, when you saw that your wife seemed unhappy, or thought you had some stuff missing in your marriage, you tried to fix it. If you read the affair 101 textbook, I think it's in chapter 7, Re-Writing the Marriage History, you probably know that your wife was happy enough, same as you, until some other guy blew smoke up her butt. Instead of telling the guy to take a hike and trying to re-kindle the spark with you, she put everything into the new guy. Then all of a sudden "she's been unhappy for a very long time" and "the marriage was never any good" and all the pettiness and nitpickingness that comes along with that. 

But you know, she seemed like she always needed something on the side, almost from the beginning. Selfish.

One thing I think you have to work on is being OK with telling people like your wife, "It's not acceptable." Sometimes there should be no negotiation, no compromise.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Yeah, there was probably nothing you could have done to prevent her cheating or leaving eventually. Even though she was sexually attracted to women it doesn't mean she should have sex with them while married to you. She could have done what many people do, which is end the marriage because of an incompatibility. Though it does appear she is bisexual rather than lesbian, which means her sexual needs could have been met within the marriage.

You agreeing to an open marriage on her side was a mistake, but she didn't follow the rules either because she had secret relationships you didn't know about.

In the end the fault lies with her, not you. Everybody makes errors in a marriage, but she is the one who chose to do things she knew were deal breakers.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Personally I don't think you could have done anything that would have made a difference. She has always had the mindset of a serial cheater and there is nothing that could change that. Serial cheaters are just broken. Nothing can fix that.


Amen. There is not anything that you did, nor anything you didn't do, which caused HER to CHOOSE to behave like this. What caused her to do this is her own selfishness and sinfulness.

While two people in a marriage both contribute to marital problems, there is only ONE person in a marriage who commits adultery, and it is their own volitional, and unilateral, choice to do so.

People of upright moral character do not continually engage in adultery. That is because they recognize that they cannot give themselves permission for it, neither can their spouse give them permission for it. 

If people of high and right ideals fall, and become involved in adultery, they do not blame others for the reprehensible conduct of their lives.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

J707 said:


> Im not sure if this has been going on for that long or it happened before and they reconnected.


Your wife would have started hiding or guarding the phone during the affair.

You would be able to see her behavior a few months AFTER she started the affair. Which is late spring/early summer 2017.

It sounds like it's a coworker who met your daughter three years ago. It may have been an old affair that re-started, or it may have been platonic before and just started in 2017.

I think it's reprehensible to be taking the guy with your daughter's birthday party and outings. Your wife was going to play the "he was a good friend when my marriage fell apart, and then it turned into something more afterward" like some darn Hallmark movie (where you are the villain).

I suggest getting a private investigator and getting a background on this guy, who is spending time with your daughter. I don't think that's a normal thing for an affair. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable. Maybe you trust your wife and have a feeling that she wouldn't let the kids get hurt, but I have no such feeling based on the few posts you made here. I find that your wife has no bounds whatsoever, is a liar whenever it will benefit her, and has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I know you saw something in her, but based on your life with her since late summer 2017, you have to wonder, did one of the pod people body-snatch your wife? She's pretty reprehensible. I can't imagine this guy is a "good" or "stand-up" kind of guy. More likely he's a snake. 

What kind of guy goes on dates and bring along the affair partner's daughter? Something's not right there.


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## J707 (Mar 15, 2018)

She told me she trusts him and said they only recently met. Really? Maybe they are coming up on there one year anniversary. She told me she met him in mid March. She wasn't working during our separation, she got laid off. I was paying all the bills along with our tax return. She got a job on March 28 and had to put in a request before she started for a cruise that they are taking in a week. She said he asked her a day before she got the job. But they just met a week and half before. She told me when I found out about him that she has already met his family. She said everything is happening so fast and that she is glad she found 1 instead of going through a bunch of guys to find happiness. She is so full of it. During march she put on her credit card around $1400 in Airbnbs. Now she is charging a new laptop and printer, Huge tv and who knows whatelse. All that is on her and her new life.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Keep talking to her. You'll just stay where you are.

What's that getting you?


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## J707 (Mar 15, 2018)

When she went to the aribnbs she wasn't home for the exchange on sunday morning as we discussed. Her brother does live there and he is 29 but is a big man child. The first 2 times I left my kids there, then when she text me saying she wont be there but here brother is there I told her they will be at my moms house. She was pissed. I told her if she isn't there next time I'm taking them to here moms, which is close by the house. I waited there with nothing from her and asked her brother if he knew anything and he said he didn't know where she was. I took them to her moms and she got there 30 minutes later. She then ripped into me about a ton of things, how its my fault and she can live her life etc.. The next sunday the guy was there in the morning. I still haven't met him yet. He stayed the whole day and stayed the night sunday. My daughter didn't go to school that whole week except for one day. My son didn't go to school on monday but did the rest. She doesn't want me to meet him, says im to demanding to meet him. Yes, if he is going to be around our kids I have the right to meet him and tell him my concerns regarding my children. Not sure what game she is playing but I won't back down.


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## J707 (Mar 15, 2018)

we have minimal contact right now. Weve hashed out our thing and Im keeping it to a minimal as of late.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

OutofRetirement said:


> She always was selfish and you were OK with it. It wasn't as bad before, but she was the same "piece of work" back then that she is now.
> 
> You understand the "affair 101 textbook," so you are ahead of the game. You know the score, you were just surprised, you thought you knew her level of selfishness. She has exceeded what you thought. You don't realize it now, but you will be much happier when she is further away in your rearview mirror. You'll have to deal with her with your kids for the rest of your life, but you will soon find out how sought-after a guy like you is.
> 
> ...


Dumb question. I'm curious about this book. Not that it will help me now with everything almost finalized but still like to learn new things and insights. I couldn't find a link to the 101 textbook? Do you happen to have that? Thanks!


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

stillfightingforus said:


> Dumb question. I'm curious about this book. Not that it will help me now with everything almost finalized but still like to learn new things and insights. I couldn't find a link to the 101 textbook? Do you happen to have that? Thanks!


It's a secret book that cheater's get. I don't know how they get it, or how they even know about it. Maybe there's a special handshake or something. But there is a special website that gives it away free, but you need to know the password. Sometimes you can hack your cheater's password, other times you need to get a VAR. Once you get in, you can download the book and get all the secrets the cheaters use. I was never able to hack in, but my cheater left a hard copy in the back of her closet with the gifts and cards her lover gave her, and all her sexy lingerie and sex toys, the ones she never uses with me. I think that's in Chapter 4, Tradecraft - never let your husband see the sexy lingerie, never let your husband see the sex toys, never say no to your lover, and never use condoms.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

OutofRetirement said:


> stillfightingforus said:
> 
> 
> > Dumb question. I'm curious about this book. Not that it will help me now with everything almost finalized but still like to learn new things and insights. I couldn't find a link to the 101 textbook? Do you happen to have that? Thanks!
> ...


Lol! That's what I thought. I was reading this on my phone and didn't get the full context. Thought it might be a real book for BSs but then realized it was what you just described 😉


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

J707 said:


> She told me she trusts him and said they only recently met.


This is terribly dangerous and naive regarding your 10 yr old daughter. I can't stress enough that you and she need to be paranoid about men around your daughter. There are enough predators out there to warrant extreme caution even though most men are safe. If it is true she just met him, she is crazy to let him around a 10 yr old girl. More likely she's known him for longer and is lying to you about it. Still, caution is necessary. You have every right to insist on knowing who this man is and all about him, and to insist he not be alone with your daughter ever for even a short period of time.

You need to talk to a lawyer about this asap.



J707 said:


> During march she put on her credit card around $1400 in Airbnbs. Now she is charging a new laptop and printer, Huge tv and who knows whatelse. All that is on her and her new life.


Talk to a lawyer. Money spent on an affair should come out of her half of the settlement. Once you file official papers for either separation or divorce then your finances are separated. You no longer are on the hook for her spending. Until then, you will have to pay half of all her new credit card spending!

Get to a lawyer and file papers asap. She appears to be on a determined mission to get you to pay for half of her new stuff she's going to have after the divorce!


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

J707 said:


> I never hooked up with any of the woman that she did, it was only her. I've never even seen her kiss another woman. I have always been faithful through out our 17 year relationship. I know it was a mistake looking back and I am paying the price for that. I know I will walk away stronger then ever and it'll take time. She took full advantage of my kindness and now she doesn't have control of me anymore. We only talk now about the kids and divorce. I know I'm a fool for the things I did or didn't do.


This was a big mistake right here, You cannot have a one sided open relationship. The power dynamic is too slanted and the one being allowed to go out and have fun has no reason to think about whatever agreed upon boundaries there were.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You need to get it as part of the settlement that she cannot have the AP around your children until you are divorced. DEFINITELY have this guy checked out (hire a PI if required and they will find out about him AND the affair). Protect your kids.

I hope you have exposed this far and wide. Find out if the guy is married/gf -- and expose to them. He's a real POS to break up a family. Protect your finances -- i hope that the CC she is using is only on her! Separate your accounts, and make sure you keep documentation about her airbnb stuff. Are you SURE that they was "seeing" other women, or just using that as an excuse -- she could have been with this guy all along..

VERY sorry you are going through this.


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## J707 (Mar 15, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> You need to get it as part of the settlement that she cannot have the AP around your children until you are divorced. DEFINITELY have this guy checked out (hire a PI if required and they will find out about him AND the affair). Protect your kids.
> 
> I hope you have exposed this far and wide. Find out if the guy is married/gf -- and expose to them. He's a real POS to break up a family. Protect your finances -- i hope that the CC she is using is only on her! Separate your accounts, and make sure you keep documentation about her airbnb stuff. Are you SURE that they was "seeing" other women, or just using that as an excuse -- she could have been with this guy all along..
> 
> VERY sorry you are going through this.


I know I need more info on him. She told me he was married for 10 yrs and is 31. Is he? The stuff she is buying is on her credit card she opened since we separated. I have a settlement agreement and were trying to work out some of the issues in it. We have separated our accounts and I have documented everything that I know of. I know from her previous emails that they were with women. I can't say I know what happened once she left the house to have her fun. Looking back Ive been such an idiot for all this and didn't deserve any of it. She is toxic.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

J707 said:


> When she went to the aribnbs she wasn't home for the exchange on sunday morning as we discussed. Her brother does live there and he is 29 but is a big man child. The first 2 times I left my kids there, then when she text me saying she wont be there but here brother is there I told her they will be at my moms house. She was pissed. I told her if she isn't there next time I'm taking them to here moms, which is close by the house. I waited there with nothing from her and asked her brother if he knew anything and he said he didn't know where she was. I took them to her moms and she got there 30 minutes later. She then ripped into me about a ton of things, how its my fault and she can live her life etc.. The next sunday the guy was there in the morning. I still haven't met him yet. He stayed the whole day and stayed the night sunday. My daughter didn't go to school that whole week except for one day. My son didn't go to school on monday but did the rest. She doesn't want me to meet him, says im to demanding to meet him. *Yes, if he is going to be around our kids I have the right to meet him and tell him my concerns regarding my children. Not sure what game she is playing but I won't back down*.


You have zero rights in meeting her other man. She can do as she pleases.

All you're doing is trying to control something that you have no control over. Ask your attorney. He'll tell you the same thing.

The kids missing school is a different matter. That you do have a say so in.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

J707 said:


> I know I need more info on him. She told me he was married for 10 yrs and is 31. Is he? The stuff she is buying is on her credit card she opened since we separated. I have a settlement agreement and were trying to work out some of the issues in it. We have separated our accounts and I have documented everything that I know of. I know from her previous emails that they were with women. I can't say I know what happened once she left the house to have her fun. *Looking back Ive been such an idiot for all this and didn't deserve any of it. She is toxic.*


We all teach people how they can treat us. All you can do now is learn from it.

You need to get some assistance on what you're legal rights are. If you don't have an attorney I'd consult one. You may save a few bucks without one but it could cost you a huge amount if you don't.


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## J707 (Mar 15, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> You have zero rights in meeting her other man. She can do as she pleases.
> 
> All you're doing is trying to control something that you have no control over. Ask your attorney. He'll tell you the same thing.
> 
> The kids missing school is a different matter. That you do have a say so in.


While I know from a legal standpoint I have zero rights to meet him, for being a father who cares for his kids standpoint I have every right to meet him. I know its messed up and I don't want to control something that I can't but my best interest are in my kids.


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## J707 (Mar 15, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> We all teach people how they can treat us. All you can do now is learn from it.
> 
> You need to get some assistance on what you're legal rights are. If you don't have an attorney I'd consult one. You may save a few bucks without one but it could cost you a huge amount if you don't.


I have an agreement that we have gone back and forth on and are trying to negotiate some things. She doesn't want to be there for the exchange if her brother is there for the drop off. Her brother isn't the parent, I would be more comfortable with them being with my mom or her mom at times she doesn't want to be there for her kids. It may be a deal breaker. I'm giving her a timeline and if she doesn't budge on our issues than I will file the petition and go from there.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

J707 said:


> While I know from a legal standpoint I have zero rights to meet him, for being a father who cares for his kids standpoint I have every right to meet him. I know its messed up and I don't want to control something that I can't but my best interest are in my kids.


Be careful you don't end up with a restraining order against you. It happens all the time.

Just because you finally woke up and are the kids father doesn't get you much in these situations.

As far as her other man goes you'll only get what they want.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TheBohannons said:


> Well, what did you expect? You allowed intimacy to be devalued with a open marriage. You enjoyed these other women, and you are surprised that she enjoyed another guy and left you? Really?
> 
> A confidant man came along and said "You are special, I would never share you" and that is all she wrote. Your demise is self inflicted. Best to move on.


What did he expect? He expected his wife not to be a serial cheating no good. That's what he expected.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @J707 ~ She's a liar and a prevaricator of the worst degree! No telling how long she's been hooking up with this dude all behind your back!!

Go ahead and file for divorce on her skanky a$$, meaning go for the jugular ~ home and full custody of the kids, with limited visitation for her more especially if "lover boy" is anywhere around! *


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

1. *Stop* talking to her.

2. *Keep a VAR* on you at all times. Record all conversations with her if you have any.

3. *Cancel* all common credit cards. Separate all finances now.

4. *Change* the locks on the house.

5. *File* and have her served at work.

6. *Contact HR*. See if they encourage this kind of behavior.

7. *Expose* to all everything about her past relationships.

8. *Nuke this ******. You are at war with a beast. Treat her that way. Do not be nice. This marriage is dead. Shock and Awe baby! >


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

J707 said:


> While I know from a legal standpoint I have zero rights to meet him, for being a father who cares for his kids standpoint I have every right to meet him. I know its messed up and I don't want to control something that I can't but my best interest are in my kids.


Run his name against the sex offenders registry.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

When affair partners involve themselves with the kids it really creeps me out. What kind of person would want to do that? He sounds like a weak minded idiot.

Lawyer up immediately and be as cold as ice. Don’t get into any arguements with her at all. Just get the divorce done as quickly as possible and get out of there. Your wife is a wrecking ball and I have no doubt she will crush the affair partner loser. 

Exercise everyday and eat healthy and feel great.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

See a Shark of a Divorce Lawyer, seperate any joint finances and move back into the house. Stop paying for anything to do with her. Do the 180. In short make her life a misery without doing anything illegal.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

skerzoid said:


> 3. *Cancel* all common credit cards. Separate all finances now.


I cannot overemphasize this.

When it became clear that we were to divorce (already filed, but...), I had a conversation with the ex-wife about finances and she snapped at me defensively and said the entire proceeds of our home sale (that just went through) was "hers." Why? Because she paid for a roof out of her inheritance.

Going round for round I knew I had to act the next morning. 

I wired half our savings to a separate account out of the joint account, cancelled the credit card, and did it all before 9 am.

I watched the account and by 1 pm she had drained out the rest. AND she called my phone furious, saying I stole her money.

She had intended to take it all, had no idea I would ditch work and protect myself. 

She took her time, probably went to lunch, then to the bank.

As for the credit card? I saved much agony as she likely would have charged up a storm.

So, word to the wise, eh?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

J707 said:


> She told me she trusts him and said they only recently met. Really? Maybe they are coming up on there one year anniversary. She told me she met him in mid March. She wasn't working during our separation, she got laid off. I was paying all the bills along with our tax return. She got a job on March 28 and had to put in a request before she started for a cruise that they are taking in a week. She said he asked her a day before she got the job. But they just met a week and half before. She told me when I found out about him that she has already met his family. She said everything is happening so fast and that she is glad she found 1 instead of going through a bunch of guys to find happiness. She is so full of it. During march she put on her credit card around $1400 in Airbnbs. Now she is charging a new laptop and printer, Huge tv and who knows whatelse. All that is on her and her new life.


Haven't seen, J7, have you gotten a lawyer yet? I usually advise talking about everything here's it's very helpful and therapeutic but you need to get a lawyer and get moving at the speed of light, as she is spending and at the speed of light and you need to protect your financials, your assets and most important of all your children! Get moving today, then let us know how it goes and we'll be there with you along the way.

Also, whatever she is saying is a fairytale in her own head, just let it be and the less you hear or ask, the better. It's only going to make you feel worse the more you hear.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> You have zero rights in meeting her other man. She can do as she pleases.
> 
> All you're doing is trying to control something that you have no control over. Ask your attorney. He'll tell you the same thing.
> 
> The kids missing school is a different matter. That you do have a say so in.


It still amazes me how our brains works as humans, we are all so similar and the stories always the same. My XW acted same as yours and my initial reaction was just like you and let me tell you, it is the wrong wrong action to take. 

She is no longer your partner, ally, wife or family, look out for what is best for you and the kids only, work on cutting ties cut financially and emotionally ASAP, at this time you have nothing to talk about even in regards for the kids as she does not care and is not in a reasonable state of mind, she is in a selfish mindset and only cares about her immediate happiness and her world is all rainbows and unicorns and she is rid of the thorn(you) who made her unhappy!!!!! once you accept it is over and move concentrate solely on your happiness, making yourself a better person, dad etc you will start to rebuild and you will see her for who she really is and stop caring what she did or does, you will find happiness again and come out of this a better person if you allow this for yourself 

You can control ZERO on her time with kids and trying will just frustrate you and eat you up and on a more serious not get you in trouble, as soon as I commented on this with my XW(and it was in our signed settlement agreement) she threatened restraining order and this are extremely easy to get and require little to no evidence at all. 

I spoke with lawyer and was told its basically a handshake and barely enforceable so pointless and have to accept it.

Best thing to do is 1000% got full 180 which means she does not exist to you, you dont care about her or things you cannot control, you focus on you, your time, your settlement, your future.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

smi11ie said:


> When affair partners involve themselves with the kids it really creeps me out. What kind of person would want to do that?



This happens everyday in real life. It is not uncommon and really the fastest way into her pants is to establish rapport and to make her feel comfortable around him.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

BobSimmons said:


> This happens everyday in real life. It is not uncommon and really the fastest way into her pants is to establish rapport and to make her feel comfortable around him.


Like said before...snake.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TJW said:


> Like said before...snake.


Or so enamoured with this new wonder woman that he'd take up Morris Dancing if he thought it would impress her.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

You need to detach and detach now. Read up on the 180. It works. Protect your children, and follow advice of your lawyer.
She is toxic as others have said. Get yourself into IC as I glean from your post self esteem issues and codependency,too.

If you want to have some fun with POSOM, call him and tell him thanks for taking her off your hands. Tell him you have STD and only person you have been with is your wife. Advise him to get tested. By all means investigate this turd. 

All communication should be via text or email.

You deserve better, and so do your kids.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Lonely husband 42301 said:


> If you want to have some fun with POSOM, call him and tell him thanks for taking her off your hands. Tell him you have STD and only person you have been with is your wife. Advise him to get tested.


And, make some copies of the bills for your housing, utilities, clothing, medical care. Send them along to him and ask when he is going to start paying them, and notify him that, by his actions, assumed fiduciary duty for his affair partner, and her dependents.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TJW said:


> And, make some copies of the bills for your housing, utilities, clothing, medical care. Send them along to him and ask when he is going to start paying them, and notify him that, by his actions, assumed fiduciary duty for his affair partner, and her dependents.


If he is deeply besotted with her, he would probably do that within seconds.


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## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> What did he expect? He expected his wife not to be a serial cheating no good. That's what he expected.


Well that conflicts with his opening statement.

_*Back*_ _*in 2010 I found out my wife was going behind my back and hooking up with women. Emails confirmed yet she still denied it. Like a fool in love, I gave her my consent to go and live out this part of her since I couldn't provide that for her. Through out the coming years she would meet up and have sex with women with me. While it did bother me and she knew it we made things work*_ 

If he gave her consent to have sex outside the marriage, then his expectations for fidelity were delusion.

Spin it any way you want, but you get what you pay for.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

Keep yourself busy and try and forget she ever existed. Destroy or hide any reminders. You are going to want to move on so work on your body and general appearance. Keep a diary of all your contact with her. Don’t get into any fights or arguements, if you disagree with her then tell her and leave it at that. Record all phone conversations, you can get a free app that does that. Get a VAR and record all face to face conversations. Record all conversations you have with her family and friends also. Get a lawyer immediately to help you sort out all the financial stuff.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Discovering that my spouse was a liar of this magnitude would definitely kill any positive feelings I had. The lying is key, in my opinion.

She is a liar. This defines her. You know it. Your children know it. And she wants to believe that people won't see that about her.

Your daughter didn't misunderstand. Your WW knew the POS long ago. He wants to believe your WW, too, so he hadn't gotten the liar's memo, and wound up blurting it out. No doubt she spun a new bull**** lie to him to get him to lie to your children about when and how the two lovebirds met.

I would do the 180, get back in the house, go scorched earth. Dump a lying cheater and gain your life.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> deeply besotted


You have abundant and precise vocabulary skills


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Why did you leave the house, huge mistake? You need a lawyer to protect your children. So far you have and are making this an epic fail. You are neither protecting yourself or your kids, a father’s number one priority!


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

TJW said:


> You have abundant and precise vocabulary skills


...Now your just being Obsequious! Take THAT! lol


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> ...Now your just being Obsequious! Take THAT! lol


I like words!


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