# Utterly Clueless !



## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

I don’t know where to start, I’m not here fishing for sympathy or making my husband look bad.Just a question to fellow members who’ve gone through separation, when does it get easier? 

Background:
My husband and I were married for 7 months, an arranged marriage. (We are both in our early thirties)But I fell in love with him eventually and so did he.
Fast forward to 10 months in total (from engagement to wedding) we are not together and husband wants mutual separation. I still have feelings for him.I feel clueless, at rock bottom! Don’t know what to do.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

First thing to do is determine the point of the separation. How are you using the time apart? To determine what life is like on your own, or to meet someone new? Will you be in counseling? Because if you're just separated, and not communicating, then you're not accomplishing anything other than moving further apart.

Regardless, if he wants out there isn't much of anything you can do.


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

Trident said:


> First thing to do is determine the point of the separation. How are you using the time apart? To determine what life is like on your own, or to meet someone new? Will you be in counseling? Because if you're just separated, and not communicating, then you're not accomplishing anything other than moving further apart.
> 
> Regardless, if he wants out there isn't much of anything you can do.


Thanks for replying @Trident 
Well , we had a fight and my in-laws were staying with us for a few days. Our fight had been ongoing (another issue as my husband has a problem with substance abuse) sort of on and off but my FIL decided that my husband is giving me too much attention and placating me etc.FIL was rude towards me and husband didn’t stand up for me. I felt isolated and dejected and not as a part of the family at all.I used to sit in the other room for those days and FIL wouldn’t let husband talk to me, husband and FIL got drunk every night and we would go to bed at separate times.So the fight didn’t resolve, on the day in question FIL was astonishingly rude to me and I started crying and left my husband’s house.
Since then he hasn’t contacted me and now FIL says that my husband and I need to separate through mutual separation.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

It would appear that a cooling off period is in order for both of you and AA is in order for hubby and his dad.


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

Trident said:


> It would appear that a cooling off period is in order for both of you and AA is in order for hubby and his dad.


I wish it was that easy @Trident
FIL rules with an iron fist, MIL and husband don’t go against him. His words are set in stone. Nobody dares question him. I didn’t know this before we got married. I treated FIL like my own father and while I can understand my nagging could be too much for my husband and the issues we were having, there were meant to be between us but now my drunk husband has aired out laundry in front of his father. And he’s adamant that I stop communicating with anyone in the in-laws and my husband isn’t allowed to speak with me or my parents.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Messy situation.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Your husband is an alcoholic. Believe me, this isn't going to get any better.

What you have is not a marriage. It's a big, hot mess.

Get out and get a real life with someone who isn't a drunk and isn't dominated by his parents.

YOUR life. YOUR choice.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You are going to have to accept that it's over and let go. The more pleading and desperate you are, it will just make him feel disgusted with you for having no self-respect. You just have to accept reality and stop thinking something will magically happen to make it all better. I'm truly sorry. It's a bit easier when both are ready to get out of the relationship. I suggest you get the separation done legally and for whatever the prescribed amount of time is and just use that time to get used to being on your own. He will likely be dating or sleeping around.


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## NorthernGuard (Jul 29, 2021)

I know that it hurts like hell, but to be honest I think you need to see this for the gift that it is and file for divorce ASAP. In only 10 months you've discovered that your husband is a pathetic, spineless, substance abusing jerk, who instead of being a man and standing up for you and your marriage, has allowed his father and family to abuse and ostacize you. YOU (and any children you were to have) are his family now and should be his number one priority, not them! You can clearly see where his loyalties lay, and its not with you. 

Just think of how beaten down and destroyed you'll be 10 years from now with a couple of kids under your belt and feeling like there is no escape from these horrible people and their abusive and controlling ways. Please, dodge this bullet before it's too late and you're truly stuck. You're worth a good and kind husband who puts you first. You can and will find him. But you're gonna need to extricate yourself from this dumpster fire of a husband and his awful family first. Good luck to you, OP.


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Your husband is an alcoholic. Believe me, this isn't going to get any better.
> 
> What you have is not a marriage. It's a big, hot mess.
> 
> ...


He said he would try to give up alcohol before marriage but it’s been 7 months into the marriage and it’s not like he hasn’t tried but I don’t think he can, he says he isn’t an alcoholic he can go at best 4 days without a drink, he’s a smoker though and got this cough that I’m worried about his health a lot and about drugs he says they’re made from plants and help him relax (but he has to inhale the fumes,regardless they’re harmful)
I didn’t know about the smoking and drugs before marriage and I come from a family of teetotallers, no contact with this stuff!
Also the fault on my side lies here too I hid my past from him before marriage and he got to find out.But I thought it didn’t matter because I love him and was getting married and I swear that I’ve been loyal to him to boot! We had extremely brilliant times together when he’s sober he’s the best guy on the earth (when I confronted him the first time about smoking on the third day after wedding he lied to me very smoothly and I trusted him against my intuition)
We make a great couple, people ask if we had a love marriage and MIL adores me but she can’t say anything in front of FIL. Even if my husband wants to talk to me he said he can’t go against his father now that he knows my past.


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You are going to have to accept that it's over and let go. The more pleading and desperate you are, it will just make him feel disgusted with you for having no self-respect. You just have to accept reality and stop thinking something will magically happen to make it all better. I'm truly sorry. It's a bit easier when both are ready to get out of the relationship. I suggest you get the separation done legally and for whatever the prescribed amount of time is and just use that time to get used to being on your own. He will likely be dating or sleeping around.


For legal separation/ divorce you have to wait for another 5 months in India I think, because we’ve been married less than a year.
I wanted to save our marriage because he treated me well actually except when he was under the influence, then I distanced myself from him mostly.He’s been caring too, I know discovering my past would’ve hurt him immensely because he isn’t the type to fall in love easily and he confessed to me that I was the only one that he fell in love with and didn’t believe in these things earlier and didn’t want to get married until he met me.
So he’s staying with his parents at the moment and I don’t think he’s doing any sleeping around, fidelity is one thing I could count on with him. We never cheated on each other in these 7 months together.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It's just not likely that he'll quit his substance abuse and him treating you bad will just get worse. Some people just can't quit and some people just don't want to and he sounds like one who doesn't want to.


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's just not likely that he'll quit his substance abuse and him treating you bad will just get worse. Some people just can't quit and some people just don't want to and he sounds like one who doesn't want to.


 Your analysis is apt, I believe it too that he belongs to the latter category.

But it breaks my heart.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Wow this is great news!! Do you hear what I’m saying, it’s great news. One day you’ll see it as this. ❤


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Wow this is great news!! Do you hear what I’m saying, it’s great news. One day you’ll see it as this. ❤


@Luckylucky Right now, it is anything but.
No one in our family has ever gone through divorce. It still seems like a nightmare that I’ll wake up from. 
we haven’t told anyone yet, my extended family etc. I don’t know how I will deal with the stigma too and loneliness. I’ve been the type to be committed and I’m quite homely, not very outgoing type. I got married to him because I thought it would be forever. In our family if there are problems we work through it and men are treated equal as women, my own brotherand sister in law have the most ideal marriage. My parents have been together since forever.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Lovelorn_soul said:


> I wish it was that easy @Trident
> FIL rules with an iron fist, MIL and husband don’t go against him. His words are set in stone. Nobody dares question him. I didn’t know this before we got married. I treated FIL like my own father and while I can understand my nagging could be too much for my husband and the issues we were having, there were meant to be between us but now my drunk husband has aired out laundry in front of his father. And he’s adamant that I stop communicating with anyone in the in-laws and my husband isn’t allowed to speak with me or my parents.


I'm not sure there is anyone on this forum (nearly all white American Christians) that can give advice on a marriage in India. From what I can see, your culture insists you obey your FiL, as head of your household.
You must have accepted this when your parents arranged the marriage.
I would suggest seeking out FiL and begging his forgiveness as a way forward, even if you don't mean it.

Hopefully you aren't currently at risk from an 'honour killing'.


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> I'm not sure there is anyone on this forum (nearly all white American Christians) that can give advice on a marriage in India. From what I can see, your culture insists you obey your FiL, as head of your household.
> You must have accepted this when your parents arranged the marriage.
> I would suggest seeking out FiL and begging his forgiveness as a way forward, even if you don't mean it.
> 
> Hopefully you aren't currently at risk from an 'honour killing'.


I think you’re right, but I guess I wanted to work through my emotions on this forum because ‘emotions’ and ‘feelings’ of grief/loss transcend cultures.
The FIL is considered the head of the house but these days things have changed and I never disrespected him. My family is quite modern in outlook, my father never dictated my brothers and my life. My brother is the head of the house now because he’s gone from being a son to a husband and my father never raised his voice or said anything to my sister in law ever.
FIL is quite liberal when in comes to his own daughter, with whom I’ve had cordial relations with, my MIL shared a loving relationship with me too but FIL is stubborn and rude.
I don’t think I’m at a risk for honour killing but the stigma of divorce is equally libellous especially because we’ve been married for such a short duration.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Lovelorn_soul said:


> My family is quite modern in outlook, my father never dictated my brothers and my life.


Your family is modern in outlook, but they arranged your marriage?
Don't get me wrong, I'm OK with tradition, and I'm also in an arranged marriage (12 years so far).
If you go the traditional route, you need to accept the traditional rules, at least on the outside to your in-laws. Times may have changed, but not for your FiL/MiL, they are still living in the old world.

It was quite hard for me to accept my wife's traditions and expectations (entirely different to mine) at the start. But it's something you must attempt to do if you ever want a happy life in your home country. Avoid all confrontation or anger and show obedience to your FiL, things will get better.

Your first year of marriage is still a 'getting to know you' period and it's up to you to give your best efforts in making it work for the longer term.


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Your family is modern in outlook, but they arranged your marriage?
> Don't get me wrong, I'm OK with tradition, and I'm also in an arranged marriage (12 years so far).
> If you go the traditional route, you need to accept the traditional rules, at least on the outside to your in-laws. Times may have changed, but not for your FiL/MiL, they are still living in the old world.
> 
> ...


An arranged marriage, where we saw each other once and then their family visited ours and my parents went to their home, then we got engaged because we liked each other. At that time FIL seemed very modern saying if the boy and girl like one another that’s what we want and they liked me too and we got married.
I thought that his family shared the same values as ours regarding the couple to be happy with each other and respect their elders, which I did wholeheartedly. They treated me very well and I reciprocated even further treating them as my own family. Everyone was happy my parents were over the moon too.
When problems started arising we promised to keep them between us and sort it out. I am not portraying my myself as the perfect human but the mistakes I made in my past are in the past and the ones he’s made are still dragging along and caused a rift between us when he wouldn’t stop drinking and smoking. It was a vicious cycle.At one point I thought he was going to change when he spilled the whole bottle down the drain in front of me and he was going clean without cigarettes for a day or two I think but then I saw him smoking again and it really hurt me, all those built up expectations just to be shattered!
Still because he’s been faithful towards me and he claimed to love me unconditionally, it’s hard to believe that it’s all gone!
We haven’t had a chance to talk about it alone, my FIL has forbidden him from contacting me and anyone from my family.
It is FIL’s decision and apparently husband cannot go against his father’s word because he has never done that before.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Lovelorn_soul said:


> We haven’t had a chance to talk about it alone, my FIL has forbidden him from contacting me and anyone from my family.


Your way forward is through talking (begging for forgiveness/grovelling) to your FiL as far as I can see.
I suspect you won't only lose your husband, but the support of your own family as well if you choose any other option.
I'm assuming you're in your early 20s, is moving away from everyone (and everywhere) you know to a different town and working an option?


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Your way forward is through talking (begging for forgiveness/grovelling) to your FiL as far as I can see.
> I suspect you won't only lose your husband, but the support of your own family as well if you choose any other option.
> I'm assuming you're in your early 20s, is moving away from everyone (and everywhere) you know to a different town and working an option?


I’ve tried even apologising to my FIL, my family supports me but they’re going through this unhappiness especially seeing me in a state of depression.
I can move to a different country and work to make a living, but I liked being married to my husband. I miss him and I’m sure he misses me too but the difference is that I put my ego aside and called/texted him. But he hasn’t replied back and I don’t want to inundate him with messages constantly. I really want to know if he cares enough for me to come back to me without any persuasion from my side.
So we’ve been living apart with our respective parents for nearly a month now.

@ElwoodPDowd Both my husband and I are in our early thirties.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Well I hope you sort something out.
I'm assuming you're Punjabi, from the drinking alcohol.

Good luck!


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Well I hope you sort something out.
> I'm assuming you're Punjabi, from the drinking alcohol.
> 
> Good luck!


Your assumption is correct. Thankyou for your insightful replies!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is there anyone where you live who can be a mediator to help work this out with all of you?


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> Is there anyone where you live who can be a mediator to help work this out with all of you?


@EleGirl FIL has laid strict rules about not telling anyone anything for the sake of both the families’ reputation. I don’t know any nice way to put it but (FIL)he isn’t the type to listen to anyone.
So we haven’t told anyone anything yet.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lovelorn_soul said:


> @EleGirl FIL has laid strict rules about not telling anyone anything for the sake of both the families’ reputation. I don’t know any nice way to put it but (FIL)he isn’t the type to listen to anyone.
> So we haven’t told anyone anything yet.


Are you living in your home by yourself now? Do you fell safe?


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> Are you living in your home by yourself now? Do you fell safe?


I’m living at my parents’ house and he’s staying at his parents house, no-one is living at our house at the moment.
I feel safe with my family. They are supportive, but of course troubled as to what this is going to entail.They are understandably worried for my future. I think they’re in a state of shock too because everything seemed really good and I had never said a word about our spousal problems to my parents.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Lovelorn_soul said:


> @EleGirl FIL has laid strict rules about not telling anyone anything for the sake of both the families’ reputation. I don’t know any nice way to put it but (FIL)he isn’t the type to listen to anyone.
> So we haven’t told anyone anything yet.


I do feel the answer must be sought through your FiL.
Have you tried ritual prostration before him (called Graap where I am) and begging his forgiveness in front of his family.
If he refused conciliation after such an act on your part, he would become seen as in the wrong.


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> I do feel the answer must be sought through your FiL.
> Have you tried ritual prostration before him (called Graap where I am) and begging his forgiveness in front of his family.
> If he refused conciliation after such an act on your part, he would become seen as in the wrong.


Your post made me smile. The apology that I sought was nothing short of prostration, to save my marriage I did ask for an apology with folded hands but he said he didn’t want me in his house.
That was the last conversation we had. Since then, all communication has been severed.The thing that hurts the most is that my husband didn’t stand up for me, not even once.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Lovelorn_soul said:


> The thing that hurts the most is that my husband didn’t stand up for me, not even once.


Yeah, but it's also hard for your husband whose first duty is always towards his father.
He's also between a rock and a hard place having to choose between his wife of 10 months and his father and family of 30 years.

PS.
Forgot to say, your written English is excellent, I couldn't tell from reading that you weren't British.


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Yeah, but it's also hard for your husband whose first duty is always towards his father.
> He's also between a rock and a hard place having to choose between his wife of 10 months and his father and family of 30 years.


It isn’t about choosing in my eyes. It’s about standing with your spouse once you’ve taken sacred vows and to honour them.Once a man marries he steps up from being a ‘son’ to being a ‘husband’ as the girl goes to the new house leaving everything behind literally and start a new life with that man, trusting that he’s going to be with him forever.
It isn’t like I’ve asked him to choose me over his family or to cut ties with them, on the contrary I’ve been nothing but respectful and my relationship with my MIL and SIL is very cordial.
The real problem, (I might be wrong in thinking this) I think is my FIL’s stubbornness and his egotism.He hasn’t even once given a chance to both of us to talk in private since our separation. 
So if (my husband)he’s in a rock and hard place I understand it but the least he could do was to tell his father that he was being rude to his wife? Or is it too much to ask for a wife who stood by him through thick and thin even if it’s only been 7 months of marriage?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When I was at university, I had friends from India who were in a similar situation due to family. Their solution was to move to the USA. In their case it was also the husband's father who were difficult. The husband cut all ties with his father. Last I spoke to them, they had been here 20 years and the husband had no regrets. I know it's a difficult solution and perhaps one your husband might not be willing to take. But I thought I'd put it out here.


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> When I was at university, I had friends from India who were in a similar situation due to family. Their solution was to move to the USA. In their case it was also the husband's father who were difficult. The husband cut all ties with his father. Last I spoke to them, they had been here 20 years and the husband had no regrets. I know it's a difficult solution and perhaps one your husband might not be willing to take. But I thought I'd put it out here.


@EleGirl I appreciate your input.But that’s what I call wishful thinking on my part. That’s why I started this thread too maybe just talking out loud with someone unbiased and not to think myself into oblivion of madness.
I go through the scenarios each night and every morning, haven’t mustered up the courage to see myself as not being married to my husband.
I’m trying to come to terms with it knowing too well about the pain I still have to go through.

I’m not the type to talk to someone about my problems and not used to receiving sympathy or painting myself as a victim.But posting here is definitely helping me see things more clearly and getting a reality check.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lovelorn_soul said:


> @EleGirl I appreciate your input. But that’s what I call wishful thinking on my part. That’s why I started this thread too maybe just talking out loud with someone unbiased and not to think myself into oblivion of madness.
> I go through the scenarios each night and every morning, haven’t mustered up the courage to see myself as not being married to my husband.
> I’m trying to come to terms with it knowing too well about the pain I still have to go through.
> 
> I’m not the type to talk to someone about my problems and not used to receiving sympathy or painting myself as a victim. But posting here is definitely helping me see things more clearly and getting a reality check.


I do hope we can all give you some good support as I'm sure this is very difficult. It is good that you have your family to fall back on at this time.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Lovelorn_soul said:


> Also the fault on my side lies here too I hid my past from him before marriage and he got to find out.





Lovelorn_soul said:


> I am not portraying my myself as the perfect human but the mistakes I made in my past are in the past


Are these mistakes in your past anything that would have prevented your FIL from giving permission for his son to marry you?


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Are these mistakes in your past anything that would have prevented your FIL from giving permission for his son to marry you?


It’s about my past relationship and I didn’t think it was necessary for my FIL to know that about that!
Both my husband and I had a past and if I’m not wrong it should be between husband and wife and is not meant to be a topic of discussion in front of the in-laws, works both ways I think.

And at the time of marriage, FIL said if our boy likes the girl we don’t have any issues, he said he wanted both of us to be happy and have an understanding because it is US who have to spend our life together.


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> PS.
> Forgot to say, your written English is excellent, I couldn't tell from reading that you weren't British.


@ElwoodPDowd Thank You. Yes I can put together a coherent sentence every now and again.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lovelorn_soul said:


> Your analysis is apt, I believe it too that he belongs to the latter category.
> 
> But it breaks my heart.


There are many many people you can love but not live with. You have to know the difference and act accordingly.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Lovelorn_soul said:


> It’s about my past relationship and I didn’t think it was necessary for my FIL to know that about that!
> Both my husband and I had a past and if I’m not wrong it should be between husband and wife and is not meant to be a topic of discussion in front of the in-laws, works both ways I think.
> 
> And at the time of marriage, FIL said if our boy likes the girl we don’t have any issues, he said he wanted both of us to be happy and have an understanding because it is US who have to spend our life together.



So, reading between the lines, I take it that it's your past relationship that your FIL has an objection to. My questions are these:

1. Did your husband had past relationships as well?
2. If so, Is your FIL aware of his son's past relationships as well?
3. Would your husband come clean and talk to his father about his past relationships too?

I'm taking a shot in the dark here: I'm guessing that your FIL may not be happy about you having previous relationship and his son having none. You mentioned that you had one relationship (since you used a singular form). So, your husband is your second relationship. Is that correct? Is that what your FIL aware of/thinks?

I'm just trying to think of what other reasons could make your FIL turn on a dime here. Or is that just how who he is?


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

Asterix said:


> So, reading between the lines, I take it that it's your past relationship that your FIL has an objection to. My questions are these:
> 
> 1. Did your husband had past relationships as well?
> 2. If so, Is your FIL aware of his son's past relationships as well?
> ...


@Asterix He indirectly spewed it out at me saying he doesn’t want to talk to a girl like me because he knows all about my past.

Further answers to your questions:
1.Yes, my husband has had relationships but they were very short lived and mostly not the serious-commitment kind.
2.I highly doubt FIL knows about it, he thinks his son is holier-than-thou.He doesn’t even know about his smoking and drug related addictions.
3.Not even an iota of a chance as he (husband) lives for FIL’s approval.

Yes, I had one previous serious relationship prior to my marriage.


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> There are many many people you can love but not live with. You have to know the difference and act accordingly.


We got married because we wanted to live with each other to love each other.Funny how things don’t work out as planned.Never in a million years would I’ve thought, that I would be posting this question on a forum to work through my grief over my crumbling marriage!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Would divorce make it difficult/impossible for you to remarry?


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Would divorce make it difficult/impossible for you to remarry?


@Openminded
Undoubtedly, there would be repercussions, but I still haven’t got my head round the fact that it is over.This is the major consequence I’m worried about. I am an overly sensitive individual according to some. And I haven’t thought that far ahead but I seriously doubt that I will ever remarry.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lovelorn_soul said:


> @Openminded
> Undoubtedly there would be repercussions, but I still haven’t got my head round the fact that it is over.This is the major consequence I’m worried about. I am an overly sensitive individual according to some. And I haven’t thought that far ahead but I seriously doubt I will ever remarry.


If you don't mind me asking, what would be the repercussions if you divorce? I have a bit of an idea but also know that it's difference depending on the community in India. I think it would helpful for people here to know what you are up against.


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> If you don't mind me asking, what would be the repercussions if you divorce? I have a bit of an idea but also know that it's difference depending on the community in India. I think it would helpful for people here to know what you are up against.


To name a few, I’d say character assassination takes the top spot, following by being a burden on your own biological parents. Even if the parents are supportive, the society at large, the relatives are very much likely to ostracize you.
Especially in our families, it’s better to endure things and remain married than to speak up and bear the brunt of divorce. That’s what defines good girl from a good family that values traditions.
But I don’t advocate that the trauma one goes through is any less in the western culture.That would be absurd to assume.The grief of ending a marriage is just like a death of a close relative, in my opinion,and that’s regardless of differences in culture.


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

NorthernGuard said:


> I know that it hurts like hell, but to be honest I think you need to see this for the gift that it is and file for divorce ASAP. In only 10 months you've discovered that your husband is a pathetic, spineless, substance abusing jerk, who instead of being a man and standing up for you and your marriage, has allowed his father and family to abuse and ostacize you. YOU (and any children you were to have) are his family now and should be his number one priority, not them! You can clearly see where his loyalties lay, and its not with you.
> 
> Just think of how beaten down and destroyed you'll be 10 years from now with a couple of kids under your belt and feeling like there is no escape from these horrible people and their abusive and controlling ways. Please, dodge this bullet before it's too late and you're truly stuck. You're worth a good and kind husband who puts you first. You can and will find him. But you're gonna need to extricate yourself from this dumpster fire of a husband and his awful family first. Good luck to you, OP.


@NorthernGuard Thank you for your kind words.
It has not been easy to say the least but maybe I have made peace with the situation NOT fully but as much as I can, at this stage, of around three months of living apart.
The picture you painted is surely ugly for me to even comprehend if I was stuck with the same ways and cut him any more slack.
I have lost hope of any reconciliation now, the in-laws packed my stuff and my parents had to go pick it up.So many memories, just gotten rid of that easily! I am being strong but some days I just get pushed back down the memory lane (however brief the time was )owing to my emotional nature.

On the legal front, still nothing has been done and I’m quite clueless as to what to do in that capacity.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Lovelorn_soul said:


> I’ve tried even apologising to my FIL, my family supports me but they’re going through this unhappiness especially seeing me in a state of depression.
> I can move to a different country and work to make a living, but I liked being married to my husband. I miss him and I’m sure he misses me too but the difference is that I put my ego aside and called/texted him. But he hasn’t replied back and I don’t want to inundate him with messages constantly. I really want to know if he cares enough for me to come back to me without any persuasion from my side.
> So we’ve been living apart with our respective parents for nearly a month now.
> 
> @ElwoodPDowd Both my husband and I are in our early thirties.


Embrace your singlehood. Take time to learn a new skill or improve upon the ones you have.


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> Embrace your singlehood. Take time to learn a new skill or improve upon the ones you have.


@jonty30 Easier said than done, especially when it comes to embracing single hood, when it is forced upon you by betrayal of trust.
And I agree with your advice about learning a new skill and I have already started a couple of things and have been consistent with them for the past two months.I do think that keeping myself busy with working out and taking classes is helping me a lot.
But maybe, because I didn’t get any closure that’s the root of my sleepless nights sometimes.And I am unsure of my marital status at the moment. I am separated but there’s no paperwork that’s been done so far.
Legally I am still married, isn’t it? I’ve been approached by the opposite gender but I don’t have much interest in dating and definitely NOT in marrying again and it’s hard to tell them what the situation is so I just reply back ‘it’s complicated’ when asked about my status!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Lovelorn_soul said:


> @jonty30 Easier said than done, especially when it comes to embracing single hood, when it is forced upon you by betrayal of trust.
> And I agree with your advice about learning a new skill and I have already started a couple of things and have been consistent with them for the past two months.I do think that keeping myself busy with working out and taking classes is helping me a lot.
> But maybe, because I didn’t get any closure that’s the root of my sleepless nights sometimes.And I am unsure of my marital status at the moment. I am separated but there’s no paperwork that’s been done so far.
> Legally I am still married, isn’t it? I’ve been approached by the opposite gender but I don’t have much interest in dating and definitely NOT in marrying again and it’s hard to tell them what the situation is so I just reply back ‘it’s complicated’ when asked about my status!


I know it is, but you have to power through like the strong person you really are.


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> I know it is, but you have to power through like the strong person you really are.


ThankYou @jonty30 🙂


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lovelorn_soul said:


> @NorthernGuard Thank you for your kind words.
> It has not been easy to say the least but maybe I have made peace with the situation NOT fully but as much as I can, at this stage, of around three months of living apart.
> The picture you painted is surely ugly for me to even comprehend if I was stuck with the same ways and cut him any more slack.
> I have lost hope of any reconciliation now, the in-laws packed my stuff and my parents had to go pick it up. So many memories, just gotten rid of that easily! I am being strong but some days I just get pushed back down the memory lane (however brief the time was )owing to my emotional nature.
> ...


Sorry to hear that your situation has not resolved in the way you would have liked.

It sounds like you are waiting for your husband to make to move to file for divorce. Since he has not yet done so, It might be wise for you talk to an attorney to make sure you know what to expect. You might need to file to protect yourself at least financially.


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> Sorry to hear that your situation has not resolved in the way you would have liked.
> 
> It sounds like you are waiting for your husband to make to move to file for divorce. Since he has not yet done so, It might be wise for you talk to an attorney to make sure you know what to expect. You might need to file to protect yourself at least financially.


@EleGirl
Yes, you’re right, waiting for them to make a move indeed but it’s not my husband/ex-husband who calls the shots in the family.So, it's apt to say that we are waiting on hearing from my FIL.
And could you please elaborate a bit about the protection bit financially?I have been financially dependent on my parents since I've come back to my parental house because I'm not in employment and my parents do not want me to take up any employment at the moment.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lovelorn_soul said:


> @EleGirl
> Yes, you’re right, waiting for them to make a move indeed but it’s not my husband/ex-husband who calls the shots in the family. So, it's apt to say that we are waiting on hearing from my FIL.
> And could you please elaborate a bit about the protection bit financially? I have been financially dependent on my parents since I've come back to my parental house because I'm not in employment and my parents do not want me to take up any employment at the moment.


There are financial considerations in divorce. This might be why your husband and his parents have not filed for divorce yet. They might be concerned that you have some rights that would impact your husband negatively. There are issues such as financial support and division of property.

For example you might be entitled to alimony. There are different types of alimony: Interim, rehabilitative, long term. 

Interim alimony can be awarded during the period of time from your separation until the divorce is final. You are not working and hence have no means of support. You can probably get interim alimony.

Rehabilitative alimony is one type that is awarded after the divorce. It's income, paid by your ex, to help you while you get a job and any training you might need.

Long term alimony is just that, long term. I don't know the details of your laws, but generally this is awarded in long-term marriages in which a woman (or man) has not worked for a long time and been home taking care of the children. My bet is that you can't get this type of alimony as your marriage is not long-term.

Then there is division of any property that is martial property. 

You probably should talk to an attorney so that you know what your rights are in a divorce. It's better to know where you stand as I doubt that your husband and his parents have your best interests in mind. It might be more advantageous to you for you to file for divorce and not wait around for your husband and his parents to control everything. They have already caused you way too much harm.

Alimony and Maintenance - Laws in India - IndiaFilings 

Alimony in India India | Areas of Law | Law Library | AdvocateKhoj


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## NorthernGuard (Jul 29, 2021)

Lovelorn_soul said:


> @NorthernGuard Thank you for your kind words.
> It has not been easy to say the least but maybe I have made peace with the situation NOT fully but as much as I can, at this stage, of around three months of living apart.
> The picture you painted is surely ugly for me to even comprehend if I was stuck with the same ways and cut him any more slack.
> I have lost hope of any reconciliation now, the in-laws packed my stuff and my parents had to go pick it up.So many memories, just gotten rid of that easily! I am being strong but some days I just get pushed back down the memory lane (however brief the time was )owing to my emotional nature.
> ...


Aww, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in and everything your craptastic husband and his horrid family have put you through. I do think you've dodged a bullitt though and with time and some clarity you'll see what a truly lucky escape you've made. Those people would have sucked the life out of you and extinguished any and all hopes and dreams you may have had for your future, and future family. 

Better you found this out now than after having kids. I can only imagine how this family would have brainwashed, controlled and used your children against you, all while your spineless, coward of a husband stood by and let them. I think with that kind of overwhelming influence they would have turned them into mini versions of your husband and had your children siding with them against you too. It would have been a very sad and lonely existance for you. 

I'm sure it doesn't feel like it at this moment, but there is someone out there for you and they will love and cherish you the way you deserve. Give yourself time to heal and to put this nightmare behind you. Be kind to yourself and know it wasn't you or anything you did, it was him and his pathetic, weak, disloyal self that caused the demise of your marriage. 

If you haven't already, you should contact an attorney so you know your rights and can see about getting the ball rolling towards divorce. You need to disentangle yourself from this toxic family so you can move on with your life and make a fresh start. I wish you well, Lovelorn_soul.


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> There are financial considerations in divorce. This might be why your husband and his parents have not filed for divorce yet. They might be concerned that you have some rights that would impact your husband negatively. There are issues such as financial support and division of property.
> 
> For example you might be entitled to alimony. There are different types of alimony: Interim, rehabilitative, long term.
> 
> ...


@EleGirl Oh ThankYou for this information,I'll go through the links you've shared. I haven't taken any money from him or in-laws. When they packed my stuff, they kept the gifts they gave me at the time of the wedding. I felt a little bad because some of the little things were meant to be a gesture of love and care at the time. But anyway, we thought we'll go our separate ways and return each other the gifts.
I do not want any money from him but they haven't returned all of my stuff back. The in-laws made this decision without informing us and just packed whatever they thought was apt and we were just told to pick it up from them and I was specifically prohibited from coming along (which is something I didn't want to do either anyway).

I haven't had any dialogue with my estranged husband, the only communication that happens is between my parents and FIL because he is the one who's in charge.That is the thing that bothers me maybe because when I got married, I got married to my said husband, he's the one who took the vows with me!


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

NorthernGuard said:


> Aww, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in and everything your craptastic husband and his horrid family have put you through. I do think you've dodged a bullitt though and with time and some clarity you'll see what a truly lucky escape you've made. Those people would have sucked the life out of you and extinguished any and all hopes and dreams you may have had for your future, and future family.
> 
> Better you found this out now than after having kids. I can only imagine how this family would have brainwashed, controlled and used your children against you, all while your spineless, coward of a husband stood by and let them. I think with that kind of overwhelming influence they would have turned them into mini versions of your husband and had your children siding with them against you too. It would have been a very sad and lonely existance for you.
> 
> ...


 @NorthernGuard You have no idea what your words mean to me ! I am trying hard to do everything to keep myself busy and on the path to healing.I'm unsure if I can deal with a lawyer right now though.I am not the type to play the 'victim' card for sympathy or sharing a sob story, so apologies if it looks that way.

I do not know you personally but you seem like a kind soul.ThankYou!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lovelorn_soul said:


> @EleGirl Oh Thank You for this information, I'll go through the links you've shared. I haven't taken any money from him or in-laws. When they packed my stuff, they kept the gifts they gave me at the time of the wedding. I felt a little bad because some of the little things were meant to be a gesture of love and care at the time. But anyway, we thought we'll go our separate ways and return each other the gifts.
> I do not want any money from him but they haven't returned all of my stuff back. The in-laws made this decision without informing us and just packed whatever they thought was apt and we were just told to pick it up from them and I was specifically prohibited from coming along (which is something I didn't want to do either anyway).
> 
> I haven't had any dialogue with my estranged husband, the only communication that happens is between my parents and FIL because he is the one who's in charge. That is the thing that bothers me maybe because when I got married, I got married to my said husband, he's the one who took the vows with me!


Sadly you have found out a part of your husband's character that is not good. Feel lucky that you found out early. Could you imagine what this would be like if this was several years in the future and you had children in the middle of all this?

Another one of your rights in a divorce, and even just a separation, is that you are entitled to get all of your property. Make a list of the things of yours that they are withholding. Perhaps your father could give them the list and tell them that they could do the decent thing now and give you your property, or they can pay a lawyer when you make this list part of the divorce proceedings. If you point out to them that if they don't return your property it will cost them more money perhaps it will inspire them at act like decent people.

Also, I believe that I read in the links I posted, and other links I read that your husband will have to pay your legal fees. You really do need to talk to a lawyer about all this. Here where I live, a lot of good lawyers will give a half-hour to one-hour consultation. They do this in hopes that you will hire them to represent you in your divorce. If lawyers there will do this, you can consult with two or three for no cost and ask them a lot of questions about how you should proceed to protect yourself.


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> Sadly you have found out a part of your husband's character that is not good. Feel lucky that you found out early. Could you imagine what this would be like if this was several years in the future and you had children in the middle of all this?
> 
> Another one of your rights in a divorce, and even just a separation, is that you are entitled to get all of your property. Make a list of the things of yours that they are withholding. Perhaps your father could give them the list and tell them that they could do the decent thing now and give you your property, or they can pay a lawyer when you make this list part of the divorce proceedings. If you point out to them that if they don't return your property it will cost them more money perhaps it will inspire them at act like decent people.
> 
> Also, I believe that I read in the links I posted, and other links I read that your husband will have to pay your legal fees. You really do need to talk to a lawyer about all this. Here where I live, a lot of good lawyers will give a half-hour to one-hour consultation. They do this in hopes that you will hire them to represent you in your divorce. If lawyers there will do this, you can consult with two or three for no cost and ask them a lot of questions about how you should proceed to protect yourself.


@EleGirl
You're a Godsend!
My brother spoke to FIL about my missing document and a few things and FIL said it might've been an oversight and they'll look for it and bring those things with separation/divorce paperwork once they've spoken to a lawyer.
And they want to go for mutual separation. Even though it's clearly not mutual.

You're right @EleGirl I need to see a lawyer at least once even if they're insisting on doing allegedly, an amicable separation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lovelorn_soul said:


> @EleGirl
> You're a God-sent!
> My brother spoke to FIL about my missing document and a few things and FIL said it might've been an oversight and they'll look for it and bring those things with separation/divorce paperwork once they've spoken to a lawyer.
> And they want to go for mutual separation. Even though it's clearly not mutual.
> ...


Of course they want an amicable separation, it will cost them less. I'm not arguing that it should not be an amicable separation. Since you have been married only a few months, there is not there to split. My point is that you need to make sure that you protect yourself in the divorce and not capitulate for the purpose of keeping it amicable. It does sound like there is not a lot to fight over, just take care of your own needs.

You mentioned earlier that where you live, this could damage your reputation. You might want to ask a lawyer what can be done to keep your soon-to-be-ex (STBX) and his family from spreading gossip about you if you are concerned about this. It might not be possible but might it's a good question to ask.


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## Delhi2DC (Mar 25, 2021)

I've been in your situation and can understand your emotions from tip to toe. I'm originally from India but now I live in DC. Advice from others will help you sail through but you got to be strong for yourself and your family. Moreover, life is too short to ruminate over others when they don't value your being. Keep yourself busy, lift some weights, run or learn a new language.


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

Delhi2DC said:


> I've been in your situation and can understand your emotions from tip to toe. I'm originally from India but now I live in DC. Advice from others will help you sail through but you got to be strong for yourself and your family. Moreover, life is too short to ruminate over others when they don't value your being. Keep yourself busy, lift some weights, run or learn a new language.


@Delhi2DC Oh I am sorry to hear that you went through a similar agony but it is comforting to know that hopefully you've sailed through. And yes, on this forum I've shared my woes and it's like an outlet and a support system at the same time, with the anonymity and not being judged or vilified just because of what happened even when you tried making things right.

Actually as you suggested as well, these are already two of the few changes I've made post separation, of taking up weight training and going back to studying these days, keeping myself busy and it is a rewarding experience.


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## Delhi2DC (Mar 25, 2021)

I'm glad you are keeping yourself busy Lovelorn. Like you said, sometimes it feels worse than the death of a dear one but inspite of having this sharpshooting pain you have to understand you did everything you could to salvage this marriage and your husband did not even think of having a meaningful conversation. How is that even possible? This is a marriage we are talking about not a game and I'm flabbergasted he didn't even feel the need to talk it out and resolve. You are young, vibrant, a good orator and a writer & you have a full life in front of you and I'm absolutely sure there is much more happiness and freedom for you in future. Just wanted to see how you are doing and remember, it's a blessing to be alive everyday so make most of it.

Arjun


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

Delhi2DC said:


> I'm glad you are keeping yourself busy Lovelorn. Like you said, sometimes it feels worse than the death of a dear one but inspite of having this sharpshooting pain you have to understand you did everything you could to salvage this marriage and your husband did not even think of having a meaningful conversation. How is that even possible? This is a marriage we are talking about not a game and I'm flabbergasted he didn't even feel the need to talk it out and resolve. You are young, vibrant, a good orator and a writer & you have a full life in front of you and I'm absolutely sure there is much more happiness and freedom for you in future. Just wanted to see how you are doing and remember, it's a blessing to be alive everyday so make most of it.
> 
> Arjun


@Delhi2DC I am in a slightly better place than I was 3 months back surely, taking a day at a time.

Of course, I am not claiming that the situation I am in, my estranged husband is the only one to blame for, entirely. I am sure I must've made mistakes in his eyes and played my part. But no matter how hard I think I cannot, for the life of me, think of a reason. But yes, as you said he did not make much effort to resolve it once his father came into the picture he took a backseat and hid behind his father and said that he could not go against him. I do not know if it makes him a good SON but he never graduated from being a son to a 'husband' then. That broke my heart, my 'trust' in the marriage that I was in with 'him'!

Since then, it's only FIL who's been calling the shots by saying he does not want me to be his daughter-in-law anymore.
If you read the previous posts you might know it's because of my past, but my husband had a past, I mean at the age of 32 you cannot imagine someone to have never been in a relationship, and my husband knew about it but he did not stand up for me. (That being said, I had a really cordial and affectionate relationship with my MIL and SIL, I treated them just like my own family and I never felt that they didn't either)


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