# Will I ever make myself available again



## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

I'm still young with two beautiful children who are 9 and 12. But I'm mourning the loss of my husband last year. He was my everything. We dated for 5 years before we got married and have been together a total of 16 years. I am barely functioning in my life but I know I have to for my kids. I went through a really bad few months but seeked help and am doing a little better. My mother has been by my side since day 1, however, she often tells me that I will be happy again one day. I don't know if that is even possible. When you marry the love of your life how is it possible to find another? 
I have a lot of friends who are in my situation, they have lost their husband and all of them have remarried and are happy. I am happy for them too. I just don't see how I will ever be in a relationship again.
Has anyone remarried after a loss and if so how are you able to find love again?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I've never been in your situation, and my condolences to you and your kids. But your first step needs to be healing yourself. Trying to fill the hole in your life with someone else when you're in such pain is more likely to lead to bad decisions that you'll regret later. 

What are you doing to heal?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

Thank you. I am not doing anything in particular. I am not good at sitting and talking with someone and I don't see how that can help me, no matter what I say it wont bring him back. 
I am not looking to fill the void, my question is more of how will I ever be able to move on in my life if my husband was already the one for me? I guess I would feel extremely guilty if I ever started dating again, I know that's sounds weird but it's how I feel.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Can talking to someone bring him back? No, of course not. But can someone help you process your feelings and move on? Yes, I think they can.

I guess I don't subscribe to the idea that there's just "one" for each of us.

C


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm so sorry for your loss sweetie, big hugs to you.

The short answer to your question is yes, of course you can find love again in your life. The thing is, grieving takes time. The loss of your husband is enormous. A year is nothing in the grief process. You're still trying to come out the other side, and find your new normal...all the while helping your children to adjust to life without their dad. 

We lost my dad 2 years ago, and my mum is nowhere near ready to even think about someone else - I don't think she ever will remarry, but even if she wanted to, she's nowhere near ready. She keeps herself very busy, goes out a lot, because it takes her mind off things. She has a strong group of girlfriends who she sees regularly and they're very supportive of each other.

Do you have a circle of friends like that? Do you have someone to talk to about what you're going through?

xxx


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

frusdil said:


> I'm so sorry for your loss sweetie, big hugs to you.
> 
> The short answer to your question is yes, of course you can find love again in your life. The thing is, grieving takes time. The loss of your husband is enormous. A year is nothing in the grief process. You're still trying to come out the other side, and find your new normal...all the while helping your children to adjust to life without their dad.
> 
> ...


Sorry for your loss too. I do have great friends. We don't hang out much bec they are all married and it's never easy to just get a girls night out. I am desperate for adult conversation and to go out and when I do I feel like the third wheel tag a long to all my married friends. I try and keep myself busy and with two kids that's not hard to do lol 
They say God has a plan for everyone....I just wish I knew what mine was.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You will know what your plan is honey, just not right now. You're still in the fog of grief. You're still enduring all the "firsts" without your husband. That's tough.

Mum used to put a lot of unnecessary pressure on herself by thinking "I should be in this stage" and "I should be better than this by now". That's just not true. Grief isn't linear. Some people will move through each stage and come out the other side. Others will move back and forth between the stages, sometimes repeating some of them. Still others will become stuck in a particular stage. There's nothing wrong with any of them - it's just who they are.

Give yourself time sweetie, time is a great healer. Things will get better, I promise xx


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

I know without a doubt he would want me to be happy again. And I would want the same if it were reversed and he had lost me. My problem is I don't think I will ever be able to. It is my fear that if I were to ever meet someone that I wouldn't be able to do the things I always did with my husband, little things like bowling (he was an awesome bowler and we were on a team together) or go for pizza cause it was his favorite food. 

How does one be able to do that after they lost a loved one?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

The truth is that you will never love again like you did with him.

You may love again but it will have to be different.

I feel for and understand you. I honestly don't know if I would ever get married or involved if Mrs. Conan passed. B

But I am a little older and my children are grown. Don't be afraid and don't be in a hurry with your feelings. Another may someday grow in your heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Love Lost,
Sorry for your loss. I lost the love of my life 21 years ago and I can relate to you. The short answer is yes, you'll be ready for a relationship again some day. Some of us need more time than others to process the loss of a beloved spouse. Remind yourself periodically that this is a process, not an event that you must pass through. I know it presently looks bleak to you, but many others before you have gone through this and again found true love. I'm one of them. Now, looking back, after the sting has faded for me I can see breathtaking growth in myself. (I still would not want to go through it again) 

Give yourself time to grieve and process your loss. Be patient. Honor the memory of your husband but do not put him up on an unrealistic pedestal that no future suitor could compete with. Be careful to not let his memory hold you hostage to the future. He would not want this for you. Rejoice in the fact you experienced true love... many folks never get that gift in their lifetime. When the time comes for you to find true love again you will recognize it. I did. I am fortunate to have another love of my life. Like you, I never would have dreamed it possible. 

Don't make the mistake I made in not having hope that it will get better. It will. It just takes more time than we would like. You mentioned something about Gods plan for you... I recommend you draw upon your faith for strength and direction. Be aware that you will experience a roller coaster of emotions for some time to come and don't get in a hurry to get into a new relationship before you are ready. Best of luck to you.


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Love Lost,
> Sorry for your loss. I lost the love of my life 21 years ago and I can relate to you. The short answer is yes, you'll be ready for a relationship again some day. Some of us need more time than others to process the loss of a beloved spouse. Remind yourself periodically that this is a process, not an event that you must pass through. I know it presently looks bleak to you, but many others before you have gone through this and again found true love. I'm one of them. Now, looking back, after the sting has faded for me I can see breathtaking growth in myself. (I still would not want to go through it again)
> 
> Give yourself time to grieve and process your loss. Be patient. Honor the memory of your husband but do not put him up on an unrealistic pedestal that no future suitor could compete with. Be careful to not let his memory hold you hostage to the future. He would not want this for you. Rejoice in the fact you experienced true love... many folks never get that gift in their lifetime. When the time comes for you to find true love again you will recognize it. I did. I am fortunate to have another love of my life. Like you, I never would have dreamed it possible.
> ...


I am happy to hear you were able to move on and be happy again, I to wish this for myself one day. Thank you for your advice, it was very helpful. I will try to just take it one day at a time.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Lovelost-

I can't imagine what you are feeling.

My line of work puts me in contact with many older people. One woman is in her early 80's. Her husband of 56 years passed away. She took care of him the last 2 years as he slowly died.

After a short grieving period, she took up ballroom dancing. How cool is that? 

She is close to her kids. They call every day and drives her crazy in a nice way. She is out meeting people and she enjoys life to the fullest. 

You will get there. Just get out there and enjoy your life...

If somebody her age can do it, I know you can as well. You have many years to look forward to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

Trickster said:


> Lovelost-
> 
> I can't imagine what you are feeling.
> 
> ...


That is awesome! Good for her. Makes me believe there could be some hope for me in the future, you never know!


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I am very sorry for your loss. What you have gone through is devastating and everyone grieves differently. I am so very glad you are getting help. Although everyone grieves differently, the steps you go through to overcome it are the same. Here is a quote from a helpful article titled _Understanding the Grieving Process_:

"Following a death, everyone works through these stresses differently. Some are instantly devastated; others feel numb and disconnected. Some withdraw socially, while others reach out for support. What's more, just when the initial shock begins to subside, a deeper sense of reality and despair sets in. Those who grieve may need to learn new skills, adopt different habits and adjust to daily life without the physical presence of the person who died."

If you would like a link to the entire article, send me a private message and I will share it with you. You will come out on the other side eventually but there is no reason to hurry yourself along. My thoughts and prayers are with you. The Lord bless you mightily!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

So sorry for your loss. Only you will know when it's time. Don't let anyone push you to start looking. You need to determine when and if your ready. Best wishes.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

IF I may ask.. what happened to your husband lovelost2soon?

I have not been in your shoes...but having my H die too soon is one of my greatest fears....we've been together since our teens, and I could not imagine the intensity & weight of grief ... the deepest sadness I could bare...it would be like a rerun of that old song "Everything I own" ...Just to know none of us are immune to loosing the love or our lives at any time... it reminds me each day is a GIFT to each other..

When you feel you have experienced that "soul mate" love ...it will forever be a part of you...

Though I have read many true life stories of those who DO move on...they find another...they might not have even believed it could ever be...it won't be the same, you will always carry those special bowling memories / the sharing pizza at your favorite restaurant together...a very special place in your heart will always be reserved for HIM & what he brought to your life, how you grew because of him...and will have strength to find happiness again.. *because he would want it for you*. 

Do hold on to your faith during this time... surround yourself with people who encourage you.... pray through this... hang on ... as you said..he would want all of these things for you...just as you would want this for him too...

Do not feel guilty when you meet someone.. Just make sure he treats you GOOD...as your husband would have wanted this more than anything else.. 

This is one of the best books written on Grieving... these stages you are going through.. 

On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss: Books


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

After many years of happiness and four kids my dad died when I was 14. It was tough but after 3 years she remarried and was happier than ever. After more than a decade of a happy marriage he suddenly died. Now aging, she moved close to my older brother and his family and into a retirement community. There she met a married a third wonderful man and they lived happily for many years together until both were killed in an auto accident. 
Seeing my mother find happiness after losing two husbands, I don't believe there is ever only one love of your life, just different loves.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

two thoughts

1) as far as the triggers of eating pizza or bowling go I do think you should actively engage in these activities with your children for several reasons. The first being that these are activities that your husband would want you to still enjoy and participate in. I realize the first few times you do these activities you may be overcome with sadness but ultimately the more you do them the more you should be able to do these activities and enjoy them. Secondly, it's a perfect way for the kids to remember and honor things about their dad. I know I would want my kids to honor me after death in similar ways by enjoying life in similar ways that I did. 

2) I do recognize that you aren't ready to date until you are ready to date. But I do think that it's a good time for finding new friends and being social with new people. Being active in a club or finding activities on meetup.com and enjoying life with new people is something that you should be doing. As much as you miss your husband, you are still alive and so are your children and you all need to go out and keep living and enjoy life, it's the only one we have. By creating new connections you do just that and it will you see that there are new friends to make and enjoy and perhaps with time even a new person to share your life with again. 

I wish the best of luck to you, I know it's a hard road but you can be happy again


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I hope you will heal. And you do have two wonderful children he gave you.

If I were you, I would schedule a cruise with the two kids...maybe the mediterranean or the carribean for a week or two. The kids are getting to that age where they will want to be more independent, and a bit of a vacation to cement the family ties and remember dad might be just the ticket.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Couple things. Dont take this harshly but i do try to post shall we say... Directly.
1. Love of your life is a myth. If you have a reasonably normal psychological profile, you are compatable with 5-10 percent of the population. This is not to say you did not love him deeply. Im sure you did. Seen your pic. No issues there.
2. I would suggest hit meetup.com. Its a social site for a variety of things like hikes.
3. Its obvious you are not nearly healed. What month did he die? 8 mos would be normal grieving. 20 months more a concern.
4. Yes a large chunk of men your age will date a woman with kids. 2 is sometimes the max but you have two so... Understand 95% of those who accept a date with a woman who has kids, have their own kids.
5. If your husband loved you and was a ghost watching you. The LAST thing he would want is for you to not love again.


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> IF I may ask.. what happened to your husband lovelost2soon?
> 
> He was undergoing chemo and radiation for a tumor we were very hopeful they would remove after his treatment was completed. He had one more to go and God had different plans for him because he died of a heart attack in his sleep. I never got to say goodbye and that will haunt me forever.


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

Maneo said:


> After many years of happiness and four kids my dad died when I was 14. It was tough but after 3 years she remarried and was happier than ever. After more than a decade of a happy marriage he suddenly died. Now aging, she moved close to my older brother and his family and into a retirement community. There she met a married a third wonderful man and they lived happily for many years together until both were killed in an auto accident.
> Seeing my mother find happiness after losing two husbands, I don't believe there is ever only one love of your life, just different loves.


Oh my I am so sorry to hear of the car accident. It is wonderful that she got to experience happiness in her life again, when I hear stories like this it makes me feel hopeful.


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

Almostrecovered said:


> two thoughts
> 
> 1) as far as the triggers of eating pizza or bowling go I do think you should actively engage in these activities with your children for several reasons. The first being that these are activities that your husband would want you to still enjoy and participate in. I realize the first few times you do these activities you may be overcome with sadness but ultimately the more you do them the more you should be able to do these activities and enjoy them. Secondly, it's a perfect way for the kids to remember and honor things about their dad. I know I would want my kids to honor me after death in similar ways by enjoying life in similar ways that I did.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your advice. I have taken my kids out for pizza and when my husbands birthday comes around we always order a pie! It's what he would have eaten had he been here lol Bowling not quite ready for yet.....we were also on a family team it was my husband and son against me and my daughter. We had so much fun on Thursdays together. 
I feel socially awkward now, I have been with my husband for 16 years I think I need a refresher course on hanging out with the opposite sex!! lol


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Couple things. Dont take this harshly but i do try to post shall we say... Directly.
> 
> *Thank you for your honesty.*
> 
> ...


I totally believe that. I just can't come to make myself happy again that's the problem.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

lovelost2soon said:


> when my husbands birthday comes around we always order a pie! It's what he would have eaten had he been here lol


Ha! After dad's funeral, we all went back to mum's and had a pie with sauce and a can of coke for lunch...dad's fav 

On his birthday and Father's Day, we have, you guessed it - a pie with sauce and a can of coke, lol


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

lovelost2soon said:


> I totally believe that. I just can't come to make myself happy again that's the problem.


Glad you see it as a problem.

I understand you are still hurting. At 16 months, I would be concerned you need pro help. I'm estimating TB is your husbands initials and tattooed on you somewhere.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lovelost2soon said:


> He was undergoing chemo and radiation for a tumor we were very hopeful they would remove after his treatment was completed. He had one more to go and God had different plans for him because he died of a heart attack in his sleep. I never got to say goodbye and that will haunt me forever.


So sorry.. can't even imagine.. (((Hugs))).. Some of the things that happen to people -just coming home, maybe an accident, a one in a million chance type thing.. we were almost there.. yet ...it was their time... very hard to get past...when I see movies showing the emotion of a parent, a spouse hearing their loved one is gone, I can't bear to watch...

Finding some of the silver lining to what WAS.. rejoice for what you had.. but hope for what will come..

Hang on to Hope.. maybe there is a man out there who lost his wife suddenly...grieving just as you....Have you looked into finding a group to attend where others are going through something similar?

Here is an inspiring article ..

. How I became a merry widow: When Jeannette Kupfermann lost husband thought never recover. But in time she learned life can go on


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Glad you see it as a problem.
> 
> I understand you are still hurting. At 16 months, I would be concerned you need pro help. I'm estimating TB is your husbands initials and tattooed on you somewhere.


Yes his name was Tom...and they are on my wrist..........


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

Finding some of the silver lining to what WAS.. rejoice for what you had.. but hope for what will come..

*That's a beautiful though.........*

Hang on to Hope.. maybe there is a man out there who lost his wife suddenly...grieving just as you....Have you looked into finding a group to attend where others are going through something similar?

*No I have not. For one I am not very good at talking socially about my feelings. And two I haven't mentioned this before...my mother in law lives downstairs from me and she attends the group at our church. I think it would be even more awkward if I were to go. *

Here is an inspiring article ..

. How I became a merry widow: When Jeannette Kupfermann lost husband thought never recover. But in time she learned life can go on [/QUOTE]

*Thank you for that.........*


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Thinking on what you said. I think you may be combining two things in one.
1. Missing him
2. Not getting to say goodbye. Since life is not the movie Ghost. You need IC to fix this first. Number One will follow.


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Thinking on what you said. I think you may be combining two things in one.
> 1. Missing him
> 2. Not getting to say goodbye. Since life is not the movie Ghost. You need IC to fix this first. Number One will follow.


Oh and I also blame myself for everything........maybe I should seek counseling but knowing me I wont


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Lovelost,

Life is unfair. 

But, gods plan?

I'm sure his plan is for you to grieve. Grieve as you should. Grieve with your heart and soul.

Then, when your done, know that there is beauty to be found in life.
The beauty of your children. Your friends. Flowers. Trees. Butterflies. And eventually, the love and friendship of another. 

It's all out there. For everyone. Life is full of all kinds of wonder and excitement. You will be there in mind and soul again when you are ready. Some sooner. Some later. Eventually, your shadow will pass and the sun will come out again.

Take care.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

lovelost2soon said:


> Oh and I also blame myself for everything........maybe I should seek counseling but knowing me I wont


You need to do this for you and for your kids! 



Personal said:


> Please be assured though, that your healing will not take his memory away.


Very well put! :smthumbup:



lovelost2soon said:


> Thank you. I am not doing anything in particular. I am not good at sitting and talking with someone and I don't see how that can help me, no matter what I say it wont bring him back.


A counselor can be like a guide helping you stay on the path as you take your journey thru grief. When it gets dark they can help you and keep encouraging you as you move towards the end of the tunnel. When the safety of the numbness behind you seems much better cause sometimes it is too easy to wonder if we are moving forward or just moving into more pain, they can see the light and be your eyes your voice of experience when you can not see.

And when your kids are struggling you will know how to be the best guide for them. I'm sure you are an amazing mom helping guide them but if you are like most moms I know you wonder if you are doing it right many times. 



lovelost2soon said:


> I am not looking to fill the void, my question is more of how will I ever be able to move on in my life if my husband was already the one for me? I guess I would feel extremely guilty if I ever started dating again, I know that's sounds weird but it's how I feel.


Why would you feel guilty? The answer is for you not me (though you can share if you want to). Our feelings are our feelings but sometimes it helps to look at why we feel that way.

And last but not least. ((((((((Hugs))))))))) cyber hugs  and prayers sent for you!


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