# Relationships & Expectations



## On1yaguy (Jun 29, 2010)

Hi everyone,

I'm new here so please be cool.

I've been engaged for 2 1/2 years and have been struggling with money. Not that I've been negligent. I've straightened up a number of financial issues and my car died.

My fiancee states that "she needs someone who gives her attention, support, encouragement, and positive reinforcement."
Essentially kind of ushy gushy stuff which I really am not into. This side of the story from her has been getting more and more intensified and she questioned if we are right for one another.

On my end:
I've asked her to straighten out her money spending issues and work more hours and get healthier (meaning "look hotter" essentially for the sake of us/sex.) Mind you, I'm no "perfect guy" but I am a guy, not a feminine male, nor a romantic really.

My issues are that I have expectations of her regarding her money, working more hours for more income (currently she is working minimally and has medical issues) and her health, again "getting hotter."

She understands the first 2 points but doesn't like entertaining the other point.

Am I asking too much OR Am I being realistic and honest?

Thanks for reading!
Any feedback would be great folks.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

On1yaguy said:


> Am I asking too much


Absolutely Yes



On1yaguy said:


> Am I being realistic and honest?


Absolutely Not

Well, she is right to question if you two are right for each other because you clearly are not. Unfortunately, you will get married anyway only to end up in divorce court after however many number of years of making each other miserable....and only God knows how many children you will drag through the mud with you. Before that, you will be back on these boards wondering why she does not change for you and wondering why she expects you to provide her all that ushy gushy stuff. I cannot believe the two of are planning to be married. 

After these two paragraphs.........



On1yaguy said:


> My fiancee states that "she needs someone who gives her attention, support, encouragement, and positive reinforcement."
> Essentially kind of ushy gushy stuff which I really am not into. This side of the story from her has been getting more and more intensified and she questioned if we are right for one another.


and



On1yaguy said:


> My issues are that I have expectations of her regarding her money, working more hours for more income (currently she is working minimally and has medical issues) and her health, again "getting hotter."


I have no idea why these two people are planning to get married. Please spare yourselves to find partners you actually like, and please spare the children you will have. Divorce may be a simple matter to a lot of people, but it is never so simple to the children. Try right now not to be so selfish for their sakes.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Being totally honest here, here's what I boil your statements down to: she wants me to make some changes for her but I'm not going to because I just don't want to, but I want her to make these changes for me and I don't know why she won't. 

Relationships are about give and take. You can't expect her to do what you want her to do if she's getting nothing in return. Now, granted, not everything should be done with an expectation of getting something back. But...when you tell someone "I need this from a relationship" and what you get from them is essentially "too bad, so sad...now do this for me", it does make it kind of difficult to be willing to try to do what they want. 

IF you want this to work, you will have to change too. I get that you aren't into "ushy gushy stuff"...neither is my boyfriend. But he does a certain amount because he knows that I need it. He knows it's something that I need in order to feel confident in our relationship and his love for me and that if he doesn't meet those needs, I'll feel disconnected and our relationship will start to fail, and if things don't change, it would all be over. And in exchange, I try to do things he needs. You need to give her some of the "ushy gushy" stuff that she needs. Maybe she's overly needy in that department, and if that's so, then she'll need to compromise as well, but you've gotta give a little if you want her to give a little. Once you start giving her what she needs, she'll be more open to hearing you and trying to do what you need. 

And for the record, demanding that she look hot for sex when you won't give her attention, support, and encouragement and continuing to demand that when she's questioning if you're right for each other...very selfish of you, and huge, gigantic mistake.


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## On1yaguy (Jun 29, 2010)

@Susan2010,

I've left out a LOT of info. on purpose (because of skewed responses from people.)
I'll reveal more if I decide to Miss.

I hear what you're saying though, given the info. I've given you.

You know...the issue is, is that she has had money problems since I first met her and she has not pursued job hunting until I essentially voiced my deep concern over it.

When I had first met her, I didn't realize how out of shape she was and I decided to walk with her and appreciate her. Now, she feels as though she's o.k., physically speaking, but she is badly out of shape. 

Also, When I first met her, she said she was willing to change.
What I should have done is ask her what "change" meant to her.

@atruckersgirl,

No miss. I didn't say I'm unwilling to be emotional, etc. that ushy-gushy stuff.
What I am saying is that she wants me to change in this department BIG time.
I think she is overly needy in that department for whatever reasons and she doesn't see it.

I'm not a feminine male. I've never serenaded people, etc. or been overtly emotional crying every moment.

Regarding your statement:
"Being totally honest here, here's what I boil your statements down to: she wants me to make some changes for her but I'm not going to because I just don't want to, but I want her to make these changes for me and I don't know why she won't." 

I never said I don't want to make changes or that I won't make changes. THAT is plain dumb.
What I AM saying is that in my family, emotionalism has never played a big part. Yes, we laughed together and cried together but generally no overt emotionalism.

About her "looking hot"
EVERY woman knows how big looks are to a man. Men are visually stimulated. You know too! Don't lie. Women know if they're hot or not and generally hot women want hot guys who (insert my opinion)

I've walked with my fiancee through her dieting and re-aligning her diet, etc. and she's come a long way and I have been patient. I myself lost weight as well, so no 1 side story here.

Thanks again,
On1yaguy


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why would you start dating someone who you want to change?

Why not just keep looking til you find the perfect person?

You can't MAKE someone want to change. All you can do is be the person they want to change FOR.

Do you give her enough reasons to want to change for you? It doesn't sound like it.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

On1yaguy said:


> My fiancee states that "she needs someone who gives her attention, support, encouragement, and positive reinforcement."
> Essentially kind of ushy gushy stuff which I really am not into.


:scratchhead: So you just want someone for booty call? The whole point of marriage is to give each other attention, support, encouragement and positive reinforcement. Those are the hallmarks of marriage On1. Honestly if your not willing to give 100% towards those goals, don't marry this poor girl. Do her and yourself a favor and end it now.



On1yaguy said:


> On my end:
> I've asked her to straighten out her money spending issues and work more hours and get healthier (meaning "look hotter" essentially for the sake of us/sex.) Mind you, I'm no "perfect guy" but I am a guy, not a feminine male, nor a romantic really.


Nothing wrong in wanting each other to look good, as my wife and I made that agreement before we even got married. But if shes not willing/wanting to do it then you cannot make her do it. 



On1yaguy said:


> Am I asking too much OR Am I being realistic and honest?
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> Any feedback would be great folks.


I'm with you on everything but the "ushy gushy stuff". You have things you want her to do, that's fine. But if your unwilling to also do what she wants you to do then your relationship is in an impasse. Honestly I agree with Susan, this is seems to me like a train wreck waiting to happen.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you want this to succeed, go get the book His Needs Her Needs. Sit down and read it. Then share it with her.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I don't need any more information. You are both making an extremely huge mistake. You're trying very hard to make life and love completely impossible for one another. This girl does not need you judging her. Go and find someone closer to your expectations, rather than picking a woman you can feel superior to and expect to change to suit your ridiculous demands. She needs to go and find someone who does NOT think it necessary to analyze and critique her emotional needs and DECIDE FOR HER that she is too needy. What do you plan to do? Pick days to tell her "No you cannot have a hug & kiss today because you don't need one." ??? Or use her every attempt and desire for affection as evidence against her??? 



On1yaguy said:


> I didn't say I'm unwilling to be emotional, etc. that ushy-gushy stuff.
> What I am saying is that she wants me to change in this department BIG time.
> I think she is overly needy in that department for whatever reasons and she doesn't see it.


I thought your first post was insane, but this one takes the cake. I have never heard of anything so ridiculous.

Please leave that girl alone. Spare her and yourself the abuser within you.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I can acknowledge that perhaps you didn't mean what you said the way I read it. I doubt it, but it's possible. You mention leaving out a lot of info...maybe we need that info in order to see something we're missing that would make you right in this situation. But based on everything you've said here so far, I stand by my original statement: you're acting as though you shouldn't have to make any changes, but she needs to make any change you suggest. 

I, too, have to wonder why you are with her if you want her to change so much. Of course, I'd also ask her the same thing, since she's not getting what she needs from you. 

Look, relationships and love are supposed to be about being with someone and loving them for who they are, not picking a person and hoping you can change them into the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with. If she doesn't meet your needs/expectations, then end it and move on; same goes for her. It's not fair to demand the other person change to suit you. That will make her miserable, and as a result, you'll also be miserable. 

You claim you didn't say you don't want to make changes; but your original statements very much imply that. Your later statements do the same. Claiming that your family wasn't big on emotion, so what? Yes, your family raised you, but are you unable to make a decision for yourself that you will show emotion to this woman that you claim to love just because your family never did? Who says your family was right about that? And if you're that determined to be like your family, then that is just evidence that you and this woman do not belong together. It's not a slam against either of you, just a simple statement of fact. You are two very different people with drastically different needs and you are not able to meet each other's needs. Simple as that. 

I'm sorry if you don't like it, but that's what I see.


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## On1yaguy (Jun 29, 2010)

Hi everyone,

I left out a certain amount of information.

It's clear that some of you women in this forum are very rabid regarding men. :scratchhead:

I mean it seems as though you want the "white knight" to come and whisk you away.

I did leave out a lot of information regarding this relationship, ON PURPOSE, to gauge this community and this place is anything but community.

What a bunch of jerks some of you are.
I'm done here.

@Susan2010,

You really need to calm down lady/dude. Your non stop attacks are ridiculous, as are you.

Grow up and understand that I LEFT OUT INFORMATION ON PURPOSE IDIOT.

Thanks for nothing,
On1y


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Please, do tell us what information you left out that would change the fact that YOU won't change, but SHE should?


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

on1yaguy, I can sympathize with your contention that you're not a touchy feely romantic person. By nature, I'm not either. However, my wife appreciates a certain amount of this sort of thing, so I have learned to be more romantic. It's not that difficult. Just do an internet search on "how to be romantic" and you'll get tons of ideas. Surprise her with a candlelight dinner, read her a poem that reminds you of her good qualities, go for a walk in the park, watch a sunset and tell her you love her. These are things SHE needs to feel loved by you, and it's not her fault that she's wired this way. These are the things most women appreciate, just like you appreciate (or need) an attractive woman to have sex with. If you learn to do these things for her, she'll be more open to doing the things you appreciate.

I question whether you are right for one another as well, since you seem very resistant to making simple changes that she (and most women) will certainly appreciate. Not saying she shouldn't clean up her side of the street, and if she won't AFTER you've made honest attempts to be the kind of man she wants, then you should definitely find someone else. There has to be at least one frugal, hot, well paid woman out there who wants no romance and will be happy to bang your brains out every night.


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## questions (May 7, 2010)

Hi On1yaguy,

First, it's great that you're asking these questions and trying to address them now rather than later. Basically, you're asking whether you and your fiance are (or could become) ultimately compatible. 

You have brought up a few key values/habits/traits that are really important to you and your F. Unforuntately on these traits you guys don't see eye to eye. As you know, we all like to be accepted and loved the way we are and not having to change out of fear or conditions. I'd like to ask you whether financial discipline and healthy diet/exercise habits are "deal-breakers" for you. There are certain uber important things to all of us without which we can't live with. If these are that important to you, but not that important to your F, they will remain the sources of your future frictions, resentment and arguments. The same is true of your F's key needs that might not be important to you.

Having said that, what other people are trying to tell you (I'm guessing) is that it's really, really difficult to meet someone who has exactly the traits and qualities that you're looking for. In any relationships, we find the traits in our mates that we don't really like, and by learning to accept them, love our mates regardless, and change ourselves out of love, we grow as a person. Some differences area easier to adjust to than others. That's why I was asking how important those traits that you have mentioned are. 

A part of growth comes from the self-reflection of knowing where we are. If the differences seem much more than what you can handle at this time, it might be a loving gesture to yourself and your F to admit so. On the other hand, if you believe that the differences are not that big of a gap for you two to overcome, the reward itself comes from the self-growth and love in the process. One is not necessarily better than the other.

Best of luck to you!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

On1yaguy said:


> Grow up and understand that I LEFT OUT INFORMATION ON PURPOSE IDIOT.
> 
> Thanks for nothing,
> On1y


Uh, _who_ should be growing up? :rofl:

He won't be back. He expected to be told he was right. He wasn't. So he packed up his toys and ran home.


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## questions (May 7, 2010)

As a woman, I fail to understand all the ridicules and harsh words that Only1y received on his honest question. IMO, these are all good questions to ask and address before he gets married. It's his prerogative whether to take any advices given here, and it's our prerogative whether to take an offense when he doesn't.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Huh? He asked if his mate should change. We said, not without YOU changing, too. He said he didn't WANT to be what she wanted.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Translation of last 2 pages - Don't marry this girl.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RickBrownImago (Jun 30, 2010)

You may want to look into some relationship therapy prior to committing to marriage since there appears to be some impasse with the issues on the table. I found a video from a marriage counselor with over 30 years of experience and know a couple people who have benefited from what he teaches. Here's the link to one of his several videos on the subject.
http://www.vidilife.com/video_play_1869285_Marriage_Counseling_Orlando.htm (you'll have to cut and paste the link into your browser)
Good luck.

p.s. He was on Oprah a while back and basically performed miracles for the couples he worked with.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

2.5 years is a very long engagement "to be married". More especially if there isn't a date set for the wedding. Sounds more like two people drifting along together without a plan.

Bob


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

questions said:


> As a woman, I fail to understand all the ridicules and harsh words that Only1y received on his honest question. IMO, these are all good questions to ask and address before he gets married. It's his prerogative whether to take any advices given here, and it's our prerogative whether to take an offense when he doesn't.



?s it is a common occurrence around these parts by the usual suspects.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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