# My wife nitpicks EVERYTHING!



## qbert

Okay, I feel I should consolidate all my threads and I will DEFINITELY start a thread about what I LOVE about my wife, because things are really ALL bad, but the bad things are what I need to vent about right now, so here's another (seemingly related) problem:

Since my wife and I were first together she constantly criticizes me and nitpicks what I do, how I do it, how I look, how I sound, everything.

She has an auditory problem that makes sounds bother her, but it's more than that.

It started out small: "Why do you stand like that?"

I was baffled. I went from being a single hermit, to that. Okay, maybe I do stand weird and unmanly, because no one has ever said anything and I was very comfortable with myself. Hadn't dated in years, didn't really care. She said it wasn't manly and looked weird (not in those words, much more subtle than that). That hurt my pride, though, but I started trying to change the way I stood, with my feet straight forward instead of ****ed to the side and no bend in my hip (really, I looked more like shaggy standing than girly, but whatever. She didn't think it was tough enough).

Then it was the way I said, "LAW-yer" instead of "LOY-yer" (It's the practice of LAW, not LOY, but sure, it's not the normal way to say it, kind of a southern thing).

Then it was the way I pick things up.
The way my head bobs when I talk.
The way I use my hands to speak.
The way I eat "bird-like."
The things I talk about.
The clothes I wore.
The way I did my hair.
The way I drive.
That I like a schedule.
The food I eat.

Honestly, this list could go on forever.

She doesn't say it really mean and don't imagine a nasally rude voice. It's not like that. But she DOES point everything out and tell me how she doesn't like it and how it should be and what she likes a man to be.

I thought we were supposed to accept each other for who we are?

I know some would argue that I'm not accepting this side of her, but the fact that everything I do seems to be wrong or annoying really hurts me. It's gotten to where I feel uncomfortable around here and am constantly watching what I'm doing, how I'm standing, etc. etc.

Oh, and she says that EVERY woman is like this. Every woman wants to change her husband and that it's perfectly natural. She doesn't care when I say it hurts my feelings.

Oh, and that's another one. I'm not supposed to have feelings, or get angry, or cry, or do anything but be a strong man who knows all the answers. Sure, I can understand the desire for someone to have everything ready to take care of the family. A little old fashioned, but whatever. I can understand it. But it's unrealistic. I can't be perfect man all the time. I work my ass off (literally only sleeping an hour a night), I make nearly all the money, I do everything I can to take care of her, make sure she's comfortable, able to sleep, the kids are okay, etc. 

But sometimes I'm stressed, or sad, or something she says hurts my feelings and she says "You're too sensitive."

So, my sensitivity is turning into bitterness and anger. I don't want it too. I prided myself on being in touch with my emotions and the emotions of others before we were together. I thought a strong man wasn't afraid to cry or at least feel really passionate about kids, or love, or death, or whatever.

It's too the point where at our wedding and when our son was born, I was afraid to cry (as almost everyone does) because she made it clear it wouldn't be strong to do that.

I swear, I love my wife! Stuff has just been building with no outlet!!


----------



## Enamored

I am amazed brother . It could have been me a my wife rather then you. Right from nitpicking to showing emotion et al to loving your wife , I can be looking at mirror. In fact u seem to be my Doppelgänger. 
No advice from my side. Just hang on and be strong.


----------



## sisters359

Just tell her what you wrote here about it leading to anger and bitterness. She probably sees you as weak--and not because of the things you do, but b/c you let her talk to you like this. You need to stand up for yourself! 

Do you act like an adult in other ways--cleaning up after yourself, taking full responsibility for what is your responsibility? The reason I say this is that I lost respect for my ex b/c he didn't--didn't clean up after himself, did his chores half-assed, etc. Basically, he acted like a kid waiting to be caught by his mother and "forced" to do things right. I spoke to him in ways I wouldn't do now, but only after directness (in an adult way, communicating my needs and expectations) and cajoling didn't work. It was pure frustration, frankly, that he wouldn't "grow up." Having a job and earning $$ is not sufficient to establishing adulthood--no matter how hard you work (although if you are only sleeping 1 hour/night, time for anything else may be a real factor, I suppose.)

Why do you work such hours? It is so unhealthy! I hope you can find a better way to provide for your family--including having her work. Your schedule is completely unfair to everyone in your family. And it puts you at risk for car crashes, work-related injuries, psychological problems, etc., in addition to the basic health risks.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Heck, if I had a wife like that I'd work as many hours as I could to get the hell away from her! She sounds TERRIBLE!! Don't put with that crap. Tell her that you are the way you are and if she can't accept you the way you SHE has the problem. I don't know what's good about her. She sounds like a horrible person. 

No one should have to go what you are going through. She didn't notice these things about you before you were married? 

She sounds like she's got some kind of mental problem. Seriously. 

It's awful to have someone always "on" you about everything you do and if you don't say and act EXACTLY as they want you or expect you to then you are treated like crap.


----------



## qbert

I stay with her and try to cater to these needs because I really love her and care very much that she has a happy life and feels comfortable. I really want her to be comfortable and happy just once in her life. And I know it's not her fault. I really feel it's her anxiety issues and auditory problems.

But, at the same time, it's REALLY hard to deal with. There are just so, so many things. If it was 5 or 10 things about me that I need to change or avoid, that's no problem, but I bet I could list 100. Maybe more.

And it really affects our life. I always thought how wonderful it would be to be married and cuddle in bed every night and take taps together in the day. Things like that. Romantic stuff. Sitting on the couch eating popcorn together. Walking around the house singing or whistling a tune.

But, now I feel like we're just both uncomfortable all the time and it's causing an air of stress around us that's always there.

Again, I'm really worried that this is a mental problem because there are SO many things and with her hearing problem. Just all those things combined. We both need something to change.


----------



## qbert

Okay, just had a ridiculous argument....

She always nitpicks what I eat and tells me I mix up weird things. This morning for breakfast, she wanted me to make her ground hamburger and oatmeal. That seemed funny to me, so I tried to make a joke about how that was a weird thing to mix up. She didn't get the joke. I said no one mixes up oatmeal and hamburger ... paused ... except for people making meatloaf! (I was really attempting to make myself look silly for missing that obvious connection and keep it light-hearted.)

Instead of noticing that, she started making fun of me for saying people put oatmeal in meatloaf (which I thought everyone did). She said only bread crumbs are used in meatloaf and continued to make what I'd said sound silly.

Instead of retaliating, I tried to just bite my tongue, but I kept thinking about it. I KNOW people put oatmeal in meatloaf and she really made me feel stupid for saying that.

So, logical man brain kicked in and I looked it up real quick on my phone. Of course, Quaker Oats and a bunch of recipes popped up. I told her, still trying to be light-hearted, honestly NOT trying to be snarky or I told you so-ish.

Boy, was that the wrong thing to do.

She got furious with me for. Said I was a jerk and started yelling. I'm pretty sure she was mad because she had been wrong and was embarrassed. I mean, if I would have looked it up, been wrong about the oatmeal, and showed that to her, she wouldn't have gotten mad and she likely would have said, "I told you so."

You see what I mean? Just ridiculousness. Why are we fighting like this? We do love each other and just a few moments before that we had started the morning off happy. Then things flipped so quickly and now she's just pissed at me.

I really wasn't trying to make her feel bad and I'm really sorry she's upset. I went right in and apologized for upsetting her. But at the same time, doesn't it matter that she made me feel really stupid in the first place?? It never seems to. We never have fights where she's in the wrong, only where I'm the jerk. I say, "You always say I'm the one to blame for everything." She says, "THIS time you are." The last hundred times it was me, too?

And she says to only take care of how she feels. If I've upset her, that's what matters (and that DOES matter very much to me) but she never cares when she does something that upsets ME. She says I'm 'Being too sensative." I'm pretty honest and open with myself, and I live in my head a lot of the time, so I feel I know when I am and when I'm not.

What do you feel about this silly argument and how can we avoid stuff like this? Do I just always have to concede to her? Because whenever I try to stand up for how I feel or what I think is right, I'm the jerk!

*And, again, I'm not taking your feedback, looking for everyone to agree with me, then going back to her with ammo. It's not about that.*

If I'm in the wrong here, I will certainly take that as a lesson and apply it to my wife. Even if I'm right and I still went about things wrong, I'll apply that. If I'm totally right ... well, I'll likely be too terrified now to say "I told you so." 

I really want honest objective opinions, because there are none in this household. And I feel like I'm the most objective, but obviously the way I'm doing things isn't working for her.

THANK YOU!! I know this is a lot to read and a lot of drama. Your thoughts are greatly appreciated!


----------



## qbert

Just tried to approach her about it again to let her know that I was sorry if what I did hurt her. She said again that looking it up was a jerk thing to do. I said I didn't mean for it to be. She asked me why I would do that, and not just let it go. I tried to explain that her extreme reaction and making fun of me had kinda hurt/bothered me. She now says that that never happened and that she was only trying to said she thought it sounded gross.

And there's no arguing that. I'm back up against a brick wall and I'm the bad guy. She DID make a really big deal making fun of me for saying that and telling me how wrong I was with a tone that was obviously to make me feel silly. I even paused her and nicely said, "Maybe you'd better look that up before taking such a firm stance like that, honey, I'm certain meatloaf is commonly put in oatmeal." But, she just kept going.

And it did hurt me and it was my opinion and my information that she was making fun of, she never once said anything about thinking that a recipe for meatloaf with oatmeal was gross.

But, she stays firm in this opinion, so I'm just dropping it and said I was sorry again if me looking up the answer upset her.

Just doesn't seem fair... And this happens every single time we have any kind of disagreement. I'm the bad guy and the way I felt about what happened is NEVER addressed. She says I shouldn't have feelings about things.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Oh geez. Another petty argument about nothing between you and your wife. This is a daily thing it seems.  Personally I've never heard of oatmeal being put in meatloaf but my husband (who actually DOES cook and reads cookbooks) says it's often done. When I have debates like this with my husband and kids (and I often do) I'll do EXACTLY as you did and look it up. My husband and kids will do the same as well. Sometimes I'm proven wrong. Sometimes not. You didn't do anything wrong! It's HER problem, not yours. 

If my two kids fought like this I'd send them to their rooms and tell them to CHILL OUT..that no one wants to hear this crap. You do realize that you are both acting like children? She's got a serious problem. I mean MENTAL problem. Yes, she has some sort of hearing disorder but there are millions of people in this world who learn to live with these sort of things and don't feel it's necessary to make life miserable for everyone else. They learn to deal with whatever it is that their problem is, be it mental or physical. 

She obviously is having trouble LIVING HER LIFE. EVERYTHING is a problem. And you just sit there like a good little doormat and let her wipe her dirty feet all over you. Why does she do this? Because she CAN. 

I've acted in an unreasonable manner many times (I have had my own issues throughout my life) and my husband will take it all TO A POINT and then he says "ENOUGH". I know damn well that I can't push things too far. He establishes boundaries and limits. At the time I'm angry and resentful but looking back I have to admit that it's a GOOD thing to do. 

A marriage is about RESPECTING each other and not treating each other like dirt because you CAN. You are supposed to CARE about the other person. She doesn't sound caring or respectful. She sounds totally self centered and narcissistic and out of control. 

My son has ADHD and anxiety disorder. Sometimes he'll mouth off and be disrespectful. He's not even thinking he's doing it most times. He has symptoms similar to your wife. He is sensitive to certain sounds and freaks out in situations and he can be downright nasty at times. I'm sensitive to his needs but to I take a bad attitude? Heck no! I tell him tell him to drop the attitude and if he continues there are definite consequences. He doesn't hate me or fear me. He loves and respects me. If I don't do that as a parent he will..well..grow up to be the kind of person your wife is! Instead I have a son who people say is kind and polite. This didn't happen by accident. 

First you need to deal with your wife as an adult and partner. She has to understand that you are not going to take being treated badly. When she starts talking down to you in that nasty, snippy tone of voice and starts tearing you down, I'd turn and WALK OUT OF THE ROOM. Don't sit and debate silly things about whether oatmeal, grits or breadcrumbs can be used in meatloaf. This is nuts! Just LEAVE. If she doesn't like how you eat, then take your meal and WALK OUT. Show her that you aren't going take this B.S. Anymore. 

Talk to her quietly and firmly and say "Honey, this isn't acceptable behavior and I'm not dealing with you". It works..trust me. My husband does it with me. I do it with him and my kids. Do not listen to anymore of her crap and definitely do not entrap yourself in a pointless argument. 

Don't you see that by arguing with her you are giving her POWER of you. She's treating you like CRAP dude. Enough already!

And she's got to go and get help for herself. I'd say not just therapy but medical attention too. She's go REAL issues and you have kids and I shudder to think what she is like as a parent. I grew up with horrid parents and I know what emotional abuse is. She's doing it to you and she'll do it to the kids. 

Maybe you should pack up and leave for a few days and tell her that since everything you do bothers her then you'll give what she wants..to be left alone. It'll give her time to think and maybe she'll come to the conclusion that her life stinks and only SHE can do something to change it.


----------



## marcy*

Maybe your wife is not realizing that living in couple means there is not place only for one mind, but two. There is no way that two different people will agree for everything they do, and make things the same way. Sometimes you just have to accept your partner the way he/she is. 
Unfortunately, We have seen these kind of people everywhere we go. They are bossy, and really annoying. They think they are perfect, and everything is supposed to be the way they want to be. They believe that they are the center of the Universe, even though there is nothing special about them. Nobody wants to be around them. Mostly these kind of people end up being alone, with no friends, or long-life relationships. 
I guess your wife is the same even with her friends, or coworkers. 
They are bossy, and really annoying.
They need professional help, even your wife!


----------



## qbert

Freak - Your suggestions would probably work perfectly for someone who had a spouse who was outwardly bossy. My wife isn't quite that way. It's more subtle and she subconsciously covers her tracks well by saying she meant something else or I misunderstood. And if I get upset with something she's done, I'm the bad guy and I eventually have to cave and fix it.

Deb - She does seem to have that problem. I struggle a lot with the idea that she kinda seems like the world should revolve around her (not the way that like a Bridezilla would, not like that), just that SHE has the problems, SHE has the struggles, and everyone should make life easier for HER. BUT, I know that's not entirely true, either. And she's definitely NOT OUTWARDLY that way. It's more subtle victim kind of thing. She HAS had a hard adult life. (childhood seemed like a fairty-tale to a poor, fat kid like me with two alcoholic, hoarding parents old enough to be great-grandparents, living in the middle of nowhere with no prospects of a future) Again, I say, she HAS had a very difficult ADULT life, but everyone has problems and not everyone can make those kind of subtle demands and have someone try their hardest to meet them. For example, I have a bad stress/anger problem that has developed after being with her (and came from said childhood), but I get NO wiggle room on that. If I lose my stupid temper (which I hate anyway) I'm the worse guy on the planet and don't deserve help dealing with the anger.

But I'm in therapy now so maybe I can fix that.

I'm very aware that I can't determine how other people will be, only how I will be. So, I'm doing what I can to make myself healthy (like I used to be. I was like a positivity and productivity machine when I was a single hermit)


----------



## MEM2020

QBERT,
She IS heavy handed with you. There was nothing subtle about the factual issue where she was wrong. 

You need to learn to be assertive. An assertive person would simply say: 

When there is a factual disagreement I look things up - thats just what I do and it isn't going to change. If you choose to get upset at me in those situations that is your choice. 

The fact that you keep apologizing in this situation is WHY your wife has no respect for you. She basically started out by "in tone of voice" telling you that you were kind of an idiot for thinking folks mixed oatmeal and ground beef. Now you are choosing to beg and grovel because she doesn't like the actual real world facts. This is a monster of your own creation. 

And many people are like this - if you act like a doormat they quickly become petty tyrants. 

As for her long long list of nitpicks. I have a simple rule - I do everything that wife asks me to as long as it is reasonable and she asks nicely. Don't care how long the list is - it is kind of long - lol - and I do it with a positive attitude. 

However if she asks in a not nice way, or it is not reasonable or we have a factual disagreement that can be proven one way or the other - then I WILL NOT budge. 





qbert said:


> Freak - Your suggestions would probably work perfectly for someone who had a spouse who was outwardly bossy. My wife isn't quite that way. It's more subtle and she subconsciously covers her tracks well by saying she meant something else or I misunderstood. And if I get upset with something she's done, I'm the bad guy and I eventually have to cave and fix it.
> 
> Deb - She does seem to have that problem. I struggle a lot with the idea that she kinda seems like the world should revolve around her (not the way that like a Bridezilla would, not like that), just that SHE has the problems, SHE has the struggles, and everyone should make life easier for HER. BUT, I know that's not entirely true, either. And she's definitely NOT OUTWARDLY that way. It's more subtle victim kind of thing. She HAS had a hard adult life. (childhood seemed like a fairty-tale to a poor, fat kid like me with two alcoholic, hoarding parents old enough to be great-grandparents, living in the middle of nowhere with no prospects of a future) Again, I say, she HAS had a very difficult ADULT life, but everyone has problems and not everyone can make those kind of subtle demands and have someone try their hardest to meet them. For example, I have a bad stress/anger problem that has developed after being with her (and came from said childhood), but I get NO wiggle room on that. If I lose my stupid temper (which I hate anyway) I'm the worse guy on the planet and don't deserve help dealing with the anger.
> 
> But I'm in therapy now so maybe I can fix that.
> 
> I'm very aware that I can't determine how other people will be, only how I will be. So, I'm doing what I can to make myself healthy (like I used to be. I was like a positivity and productivity machine when I was a single hermit)


----------



## rebelsoul

I jus ran into this thread. I can say i am definitely in the same situation. my wife constantly talks me down, tells me i'm doing this wrong and that wrong. to top things off, she can't seem to make a point without insulting or degrading me. She has absolute zero respect for me. I tell her that a marriage can't work without mutual respect. she then has the nerve to tell me that she can't respect someone who doesn't know how to think. she tries to find every little reason to justify treating me like dirt. I've had enough. I'm always trying to stick up for myself everytime i feel like i'm being treated unfairly, but at this point civility is out the window. i try to sit down and talk with her in polite manner, and it only leads to more insults. i try hard to make things work for the sake of my beautiful 19 month old daughter, but i don't think my sanity can put up with much more of this. her own family even tells her that what she's dong is wrong, but it eventually falls into deaf ears. i'm starting to think divorce is the only option. i'm abosolutely miserable.


----------



## unbelievable

Dude, some women are just naturally that way and if you make the mistake of jumping every time they say "frog", it'll never stop. If she asked why I was standing a particular way, I'd tell her, "cause I can". My wife's a transplanted yankee and comments about the "funny" way I speak. I point out that she's in Tennessee. I don't talk funny. She does. If you don't respond like a servant or a child, she will eventually quit trying. It amazes me that women want a strong, confident man but once they get one, they try to nag or nitpick him into a whimp they have no respect for. A vagina doesn't make anyone a boss or a princess. I've got a boss and I've got a mama. I suspect most wives attempt to take on both roles but they succeed only if we permit it.


----------



## BigBadWolf

unbelievable said:


> Dude, some women are just naturally that way and if you make the mistake of jumping every time they say "frog", it'll never stop. If she asked why I was standing a particular way, I'd tell her, "cause I can". My wife's a transplanted yankee and comments about the "funny" way I speak. I point out that she's in Tennessee. I don't talk funny. She does. If you don't respond like a servant or a child, she will eventually quit trying. It amazes me that women want a strong, confident man but once they get one, they try to nag or nitpick him into a whimp they have no respect for. A vagina doesn't make anyone a boss or a princess. I've got a boss and I've got a mama. I suspect most wives attempt to take on both roles but they succeed only if we permit it.


This advice is right on the money.

THe only thing to clarify, that all women will test their man, so the goal is not for them to nitpick him into a wimp, but for them to push him to test his mettle, and when he stands for himself, inside her a woman feels both respect and sexual attraction for such a man, and inside herself she is also feeling respect for herself and sexually attractive herself to be with such a man, and to have such a man be interested in her.

WHen a man fails the tests of a woman, the nagging or nitpicking, well, then she sees such a man with no respect and no sexual attraction, and of course inside herself no surprise, she feels herself lack of respect and not attractive herself to be with such a man herself.

These things are the root of nagging and nitpicking, tied to a woman fitness testing her man.

The good man needs to stand for himself, and defend himself to win respect and sexual attraction, and his womans perfectionism and nagging will instead be confidence and security and feeling herself on fire and desired by a worthy man.

And to work to this, to be the good man to stand for himself even with humor and seeming to enjoy the confrontation and showing his mettle effortlessly and consistently, his relationship with his woman will bring both of them much happiness and sex.

So these other things, your woman saying you are not supposed to show emotion, that is only half truth.

Showing emotion from a man that is not passing her womans' fitness testing is seen as more weakness. Not good.

Once a man is standing for himself, showing his woman his strength and passing her test, then when he is showing his emotion it is welcomed by his woman, for she is secure in the relationship and knowing the emotion is sincere.

SO in this way again, the same action can produce two outcomes, depending on whether the man is standing on the firm foundation of his demonstrated strength and desire, or the shifting sands of avoiding standing up to himself and having his woman see him as weak producing in her great angst and resentment.

This is the beauty and mystery of sexual relationships between the good man and woman!


----------



## okeydokie

i put oatmeal in meatloaf


----------



## secrets365

wow sounds like my husband actually ,not that he's a bad guy or anything but i always have to tell him to clean up after himself,he can sit there in the same mess forever if i didnt tell him to do something about it .he never takes action for himself i feel like he's always asking me what should come next or what should we do next it it bothers the crap out of me i feel he has a horrible walkj also he twitches his hips more than i do when he walks and when we walk in the streets he has his hands in his sleeves like a child does ,he hardly ever showers he showers probaly around twice a week and he doesnt smell good half the time so when i feel i need to expess these things to him i might do so in a mean way because it frustrates me beyond words i feel like i don't have a MAN but yet another child who i have to take care of oh band did i mention that he is obsessed with his xbox whenever he gets the chance the next second he's palying the damn xbox or watching sports center he is beyond immature and i'm starting to become bitter towards him and even thought about leaving him a couple of times but then all i could think about is how that would affect the child we have together


----------



## 4sure

What she is doing is a form of emotional/verbal abuse. You make way to many excuses for your wife. You defend her bad behavior. You cater to her way to much, which has resulted in her not growing-up in the marriage. I understand loving someone, but you have to love yourself. What about her love for you. Doesn't sound like there is much there. I hate it when one person in a relationship just beats the other down. By doing this she is hurting herself as well as you, she just doesn't know it.
You two need professional help. This is way past trying to mend it yourself. 
This kind of personality trait has to be one of the most ugliest traits anyone can have imo. Not saying you should do this. This is just me, but I would tell that person to go f--- themselves, if she got mad then so what. If there is so much wrong with you then why does she stay. Don't say love, because love doesn't treat someone like that.
In 15 years of marriage I haven't yet argued about oatmeal and/or meatloaf. Somethings just aren't worth the effort and energy one has to spend arguing.


----------



## 4sure

I married my husband hoping he wouldn't change. He was good to go. The first thing I noticed about him was his walk. The way he carried himself with such confidence. I knew he was a man who was/is comfortable being himself. He knew what he wanted and where he was going. And to this day 16 years later he still has that sexy swagger.


----------



## cheetahcub

The therapy you're getting, I would suggest she goes too. It's not all about you and not all about her...it's about both of you. She needs to see that, and you can't be the person to tell her. Get your therapist to have a chat with her about what your needs are if she wants you to get better. You really need upliftment during this stage, and her feeling sorry for herself and blaming you is not helping. Good luck.


----------



## themrs

I do not understand why so many men in this forum allow their wife (or anyone for that matter) to treat them in such a disrespectful way? 

Do you think she'd let you complain about every little thing she does? I wouldn't let my husband do that to me. If he had something to say about how I dressed, my answer would be "Give me money to buy new clothes." If he had something to say about how I cooked, I'd say "Let's go out to eat." I'm not about to change every little thing about myself and become someone whom I do not recognize (or may not even like) just to suite the needs of another person - even if that person is my husband. 

Stand up for yourself. Say NO! Suggest to her that maybe she should have married the person who she is constantly trying to make you. It's ridiculous.


----------



## okeydokie

themrs said:


> I do not understand why so many men in this forum allow their wife (or anyone for that matter) to treat them in such a disrespectful way?
> 
> Do you think she'd let you complain about every little thing she does? I wouldn't let my husband do that to me. If he had something to say about how I dressed, my answer would be "Give me money to buy new clothes." If he had something to say about how I cooked, I'd say "Let's go out to eat." I'm not about to change every little thing about myself and become someone whom I do not recognize (or may not even like) just to suite the needs of another person - even if that person is my husband.
> 
> Stand up for yourself. Say NO! Suggest to her that maybe she should have married the person who she is constantly trying to make you. It's ridiculous.



right on, and even if the short term effect is not desirable, the long term effect will be


----------



## rebelsoul

last night my wife felt the need to nitpick how i was vacuuming the living room. she gave me like 5 different petty reasons as to why i wasn't doing it right. she then demanded i coil the wire back the way she wanted it. I told her flat out no! and said that if it bothered her that much, tough sh!t. I sat her down to discuss our problems. i told her that i wasn't gonna tolerate this power trip she has over me. she then says that i'm not on the same mental level as her and that she refuses to change her ways. again she repeats the notion that if i did things right to begin with(her way) i wouldnt have these problems. I told her well if that's the case, i have no desire to stay married with her. i told her to call her mother and make arrangements to move out. her mother later called and begged us to try to work things out for the sake of our daughter. she cooled off afterwards. nothing was really resolved and somehow things seem to be back to normal. this is definitely not the end of it. we keep through the same rinse and repeat cycle over and over again.


----------



## LADYGAINES

I'm a woman and your wife is not normal. She is the one that needs to change and not you. This woman HAS to be destroying your self esteem. That is unacceptable from anyone. She is giving you a complex. You should NEVER feel uncomfortable in your own home. This isn't the norm. The only changes the normal woman may want to make are changes to your actions per se [coming home too late, not saying I love you enough, not holding her enough, etc] but not the things that make you you like your height, the way you stand, the way you talk etc. This is not ok. You have two choices in my opinion. Put your foot down and stand up for yourself or tell her its over. This is crazy. No one should have to live like you are living. She has flaws too. Everyone does. No one is perfect. You can find someone who loves you just for you. Someone who loves the way your head shakes when you talk. Someone who finds the one you stand sexy. Someone who is turned on by your voice. You sound like a great guy to me to even care to attempt to change yourself versus telling her to go F Off like most men. But don't be her doormat. She talks like she doesn't even like you. Sorry. I hope that isn't too harsh but I can't believe a woman talks to her husband like this.


----------



## unbelievable

Rebel, 

Good for you! Another neat way to handle the, "you're not doing it right." nitpicker is to just stop what you're doing and hand it to her and say, "teach me, Obi Wan." Then grab a beer and hit the couch. What does, "you're not on my mental level" mean? Is she inferring that you're not smart enough to operate a vacuum? That's even better! That exempts you from vacuum duty forever because it's far too dangerous and complicated for one of your limited mental faculties. The task requires the delicate precision that only she can provide.


----------



## themrs

rebelsoul said:


> last night my wife felt the need to nitpick how i was vacuuming the living room. she gave me like 5 different petty reasons as to why i wasn't doing it right. she then demanded i coil the wire back the way she wanted it. I told her flat out no! and said that if it bothered her that much, tough sh!t. I sat her down to discuss our problems. i told her that i wasn't gonna tolerate this power trip she has over me. she then says that i'm not on the same mental level as her and that she refuses to change her ways. again she repeats the notion that if i did things right to begin with(her way) i wouldnt have these problems. I told her well if that's the case, i have no desire to stay married with her. i told her to call her mother and make arrangements to move out. her mother later called and begged us to try to work things out for the sake of our daughter. she cooled off afterwards. nothing was really resolved and somehow things seem to be back to normal. this is definitely not the end of it. we keep through the same rinse and repeat cycle over and over again.


Good for you! People only treat you how you let them. Stand up to her! Don't let her boss you around. You're a capable man who can figure out on his own how to work a vacuum and if she doesn't like how you do it she can do it herself. Seriously.

You're not a child. You are a grown man and you deserve to be treated like one.


----------



## Trenton

themrs said:


> Good for you! People only treat you how you let them. Stand up to her! Don't let her boss you around. You're a capable man who can figure out on his own how to work a vacuum and if she doesn't like how you do it she can do it herself. Seriously.
> 
> You're not a child. You are a grown man and you deserve to be treated like one.


You're assuming he behaves like a grown man. Seems pretty childish/lame to threaten the ending of your marriage, especially with a little girl involved, over a vacuum cleaner. Obviously the woman was not willing to give in either as she did contact her Mom to try to get out. I wonder if there's really much of a relationship from either side and the nitpicking is a symptom of dissatisfaction and resentment as are the threats to end a marriage over nitpicking about a vacuum.

I think a woman nags much like a man retreats into silence. It is a symptom of a negative underlining feeling in the marriage. It's perfectly OK for a man to be miserable and selfish when he's not getting laid regularly but not OK for a woman to nag and nitpick when she feels she's being neglected? Oh No...she must be put in line while he must be pleasured? Puh-Lease.

I don't think it's as simple as a man standing up for himself. Instead, he should put down the vacuum and think about the bigger picture instead of puffing up like a prideful puppy.


----------



## themrs

Trenton said:


> You're assuming he behaves like a grown man. Seems pretty childish/lame to threaten the ending of your marriage, especially with a little girl involved, over a vacuum cleaner. Obviously the woman was not willing to give in either as she did contact her Mom to try to get out. I wonder if there's really much of a relationship from either side and the nitpicking is a symptom of dissatisfaction and resentment as are the threats to end a marriage over nitpicking about a vacuum.
> 
> I think a woman nags much like a man retreats into silence. It is a symptom of a negative underlining feeling in the marriage. It's perfectly OK for a man to be miserable and selfish when he's not getting laid regularly but not OK for a woman to nag and nitpick when she feels she's being neglected? Oh No...she must be put in line while he must be pleasured? Puh-Lease.
> 
> I don't think it's as simple as a man standing up for himself. Instead, he should put down the vacuum and think about the bigger picture instead of puffing up like a prideful puppy.


I don't think it's every productive to nag or nitpick. No, I don't. I don't think it's healthy in a marriage to constantly put your partner down. 

People raise to your level of expectation. If she treats him like a child, he'll act like one. If she treats him like the man that he is, he's meet her at that level too. It's as simple as that. Regardless, no one deserves to be treated like an idiot. Why did she marry him if she didn't think he was capable enough to do menial tasks like vacuum floors or make a proper meatloaf? 

He didn't threaten divorce over the vacuum. He threatened divorce over her constantly treating him as if he can't do anything or like the way he does things are subpar. It's emasculating and he just doesn't sound like a man who deserves to be treated that way if you ask me.


----------



## unbelievable

Some women nag, not because they are unhappy with the relationship, but because somehow they have come to believe they are the center of the universe. The one I finally got rid of knew everything about everything and nitpicked everyone, other family members, co-workers, even bosses. She was fired from a series of jobs cause nobody could tell her anything. She knew no boundaries. Lying was ok for her, stealing was ok for her, perfection was expected from everyone else around her. I got it worse because I was handy. I get great ratings at work, always get along with co-workers and the public. I'm entrusted with tons of responsibility. I didn't transform into an irresponsible ignoramus just by walking through the door of my home. Everyone about her can't always be wrong or stupid. A good clue to test your theory would be to examine how she treats people other than her husband. If he's the only one getting nitpicked, it might her passive aggressive way of showing she's unhappy with him. If she's a battle axe to everyone, the problem is just her.


----------



## Trenton

unbelievable said:


> Some women nag, not because they are unhappy with the relationship, but because somehow they have come to believe they are the center of the universe. The one I finally got rid of knew everything about everything and nitpicked everyone, other family members, co-workers, even bosses. She was fired from a series of jobs cause nobody could tell her anything. She knew no boundaries. Lying was ok for her, stealing was ok for her, perfection was expected from everyone else around her. I got it worse because I was handy. I get great ratings at work, always get along with co-workers and the public. I'm entrusted with tons of responsibility. I didn't transform into an irresponsible ignoramus just by walking through the door of my home. Everyone about her can't always be wrong or stupid. A good clue to test your theory would be to examine how she treats people other than her husband. If he's the only one getting nitpicked, it might her passive aggressive way of showing she's unhappy with him. If she's a battle axe to everyone, the problem is just her.


What I will agree with is that some women, like some men, do have negative personality traits and nitpicking or nagging might be one of these traits but wouldn't it have been obvious from the get go and can't the same be said for men?

I believe women get a harsher criticism overall and not just from men but from women as well. In this particular thread the circumstances showed that both sexes were behaving badly. She in nitpicking and feeling as if she's better than him and he in responding like a threatening jerk that is willing to throw away a marriage over a vacuum. But we know it's never really the vacuum right? Well, I think it's not usually the fact that she thinks she's better than him either. That's all I'm saying.


----------



## Affaircare

I believe I would recommend memorizing this phrase: 

"I am an educated, confident, competent adult and my way is just as efficient and correct as your way. Please respect me enough to make a request and not a demand." 

Then...

When she does her nitpicking you'll have the opportunity to use that phrase over and over:



> last night my wife felt the need to nitpick how i was vacuuming the living room. she gave me like 5 different petty reasons as to why i wasn't doing it right.
> 
> "I am an educated, confident, competent adult and my way is just as efficient and correct as your way. Please respect me enough to make a request and not a demand."
> 
> she then demanded i coil the wire back the way she wanted it.
> 
> "I am an educated, confident, competent adult and my way is just as efficient and correct as your way. Please respect me enough to make a request and not a demand."
> 
> I told her flat out no! and said that if it bothered her that much, tough sh!t. I sat her down to discuss our problems. i told her that i wasn't gonna tolerate this power trip she has over me. she then says that i'm not on the same mental level as her and that she refuses to change her ways.
> 
> "I am an educated, confident, competent adult and my way is just as efficient and correct as your way. Please respect me enough to make a request and not a demand."
> 
> again she repeats the notion that if i did things right to begin with(her way) i wouldnt have these problems.
> 
> "I am an educated, confident, competent adult and my way is just as efficient and correct as your way. Please respect me enough to make a request and not a demand."
> 
> I told her well if that's the case, i have no desire to stay married with her. i told her to call her mother and make arrangements to move out. her mother later called and begged us to try to work things out for the sake of our daughter. she cooled off afterwards. nothing was really resolved and somehow things seem to be back to normal.
> 
> "I am an educated, confident, competent adult and my way is just as efficient and correct as your way. Please respect me enough to make a request and not a demand. Since you tried to control me and demand I do things your way, things will not be 'back to normal' between you and me until we resolve this in a way that also works for me."
> 
> this is definitely not the end of it. we keep through the same rinse and repeat cycle over and over again.


One of the things you'll want to be aware of, rebel, is that I understand you don't want her to control you, but you also do not want to control HER. So if you are telling her what she has to do or making demands, you're doing the same thing she is! So keep an eye on that. If you memorize that phrase and every time she makes a demand, just say that instead of saying "NO!" then you're reminding her that you're capable, you're reminding her to make a REQUEST not a demand, and you're also not joining in the fight or being controlling yourself. Know what I mean?


----------



## Trenton

Affaircare said:


> One of the things you'll want to be aware of, rebel, is that I understand you don't want her to control you, but you also do not want to control HER. So if you are telling her what she has to do or making demands, you're doing the same thing she is! So keep an eye on that. If you memorize that phrase and every time she makes a demand, just say that instead of saying "NO!" then you're reminding her that you're capable, you're reminding her to make a REQUEST not a demand, and you're also not joining in the fight or being controlling yourself. Know what I mean?


This is what I intended to say. I'm no where near as articulate as you but I really just wanted to point out that they're both playing the same control game and I was frustrated by the rallying for his cause when it seemed like a mutual control struggle.

Anyway, thank you for this clearer, nicer and more accurate way of saying what I was trying to.


----------



## rebelsoul

I've completely had it with my wife! I'm at the point where i just want the ***** out of my life!!! everyday she feels the need to call and interrupt me at work just to belittle me about something she feels i did wrong. she just called and threw a temper tamptrum about how i fed our little daughter the wrong broccolli dish last night. i've told her many times to not disturb me at work with little petty nonsense such as this. it puts me out of focus and screws up my job performance. i had to point that out to her again today, and all she could say was well she wouldnt have to call if i just did things right to begin with. she is completely out of line. all she does is come down on me with negative after negative after negative. this is not love, this is not how a marriage is supposed to be. i can't even stand being around her because this is all i get. I am a hard working responsible father and husband. i dont deserve this crap! i really want out. my daughter is the only reason why i keep hanging on to this relationship.


----------



## Conrad

Three phrases you need to learn...

"How is this helpful?"

"How did this get so big?"

"Where are we headed with this?"

Don't get emotionally hijacked by this. It's her issue, not yours.

Stay strong.


----------



## rebelsoul

Conrad said:


> Three phrases you need to learn...
> 
> "How is this helpful?"
> 
> "How did this get so big?"
> 
> "Where are we headed with this?"
> 
> Don't get emotionally hijacked by this. It's her issue, not yours.
> 
> Stay strong.


you are absolutely right. it is her issue. i'm trying not get emotionally hijacked by this, but i'm having a hard time dealing with the 24/7 negativety i get from her. she always has to create some form of conflict, and if she can't find something she goes out of her way to dig for something. i have to put up with some much verbal abuse from her. everyone including her family tells her that what she's doing is wrong. she doesn't listen nor does care. she has to have it her way.


----------



## Conrad

rebelsoul said:


> you are absolutely right. it is her issue. i'm trying not get emotionally hijacked by this, but i'm having a hard time dealing with the 24/7 negativety i get from her. she always has to create some form of conflict, and if she can't find something she goes out of her way to dig for something. i have to put up with some much verbal abuse from her. everyone including her family tells her that what she's doing is wrong. she doesn't listen nor does care. she has to have it her way.


What would happen if you asked those questions? Not in an alarmed jumpy frantic way, but calmly?

If she persists, tell her you need a few minutes of quiet to collect your thoughts, and then return later to ask those same calm questions.

This will hold her accountable for her actions.

She won't like it, but will likely grow to respect it - and you.


----------



## cherrypie18

BigBadWolf said:


> This advice is right on the money.
> 
> THe only thing to clarify, that all women will test their man, so the goal is not for them to nitpick him into a wimp, but for them to push him to test his mettle, and when he stands for himself, inside her a woman feels both respect and sexual attraction for such a man, and inside herself she is also feeling respect for herself and sexually attractive herself to be with such a man, and to have such a man be interested in her.
> 
> WHen a man fails the tests of a woman, the nagging or nitpicking, well, then she sees such a man with no respect and no sexual attraction, and of course inside herself no surprise, she feels herself lack of respect and not attractive herself to be with such a man herself.
> 
> These things are the root of nagging and nitpicking, tied to a woman fitness testing her man.
> 
> The good man needs to stand for himself, and defend himself to win respect and sexual attraction, and his womans perfectionism and nagging will instead be confidence and security and feeling herself on fire and desired by a worthy man.
> 
> And to work to this, to be the good man to stand for himself even with humor and seeming to enjoy the confrontation and showing his mettle effortlessly and consistently, his relationship with his woman will bring both of them much happiness and sex.
> 
> So these other things, your woman saying you are not supposed to show emotion, that is only half truth.
> 
> Showing emotion from a man that is not passing her womans' fitness testing is seen as more weakness. Not good.
> 
> Once a man is standing for himself, showing his woman his strength and passing her test, then when he is showing his emotion it is welcomed by his woman, for she is secure in the relationship and knowing the emotion is sincere.
> 
> SO in this way again, the same action can produce two outcomes, depending on whether the man is standing on the firm foundation of his demonstrated strength and desire, or the shifting sands of avoiding standing up to himself and having his woman see him as weak producing in her great angst and resentment.
> 
> This is the beauty and mystery of sexual relationships between the good man and woman!


You turn everything that I feel into words lol 

I was always trying to find the words to describe the kind of man I want and I couldn't find them until I started reading your posts!

I (rarely though, actually he was the nagger in our marriage) would find little things to argue about with my husband hoping it would somehow lead to sex. I didn't understand how it was related though, it just felt that way. 

But isn't it also possible that she's just trying to create a fight out of something small because she's resentful and is trying to find fault to say goodbye? Like she doesn't want to be the bad guy so she's making HIM leave her...


----------



## rebelsoul

Conrad said:


> What would happen if you asked those questions? Not in an alarmed jumpy frantic way, but calmly?
> 
> If she persists, tell her you need a few minutes of quiet to collect your thoughts, and then return later to ask those same calm questions.
> 
> This will hold her accountable for her actions.
> 
> She won't like it, but will likely grow to respect it - and you.


I've asked her similar questions. every answer i received was either an insult or a guilt trip.

for example i asked her what her point was, and she answered that it was to point out that i keep doing things wrong and if she stopped doing that, i wouldnt learn anything(her way of trying to discipline me). she also threw our daughter in the mix and said that i'm not being mindful of my daughter's well being. she also says i have to think ahead of her(which is difficult when you're dealing with someone as anal as her).

she also has a habit of throwing crap in my face out of nowhere. the other day she had the nerve to make a downright racist remark. we were in the mall and she noticed a latino woman trying to ride down an escalator with a baby in the carriage, when there was a sign forbidding it. outta nowhere she had to nerve to tell me i should have married a latina. i asked her wtf does that have to with anything? she then brings up the fact that most of my exes were latina and that i would probably get along better with someone like that girl in the escalator. I was completely irate at that point for not only the racism, but also for her trying to find another excuse to insult me. i asked her what her beef was with latinos when her last bf was puerto rican. she says he's very intelligent because he was a marine that went out for his masters degree. i told her she should have stayed with him if she's so unhappy with me.


----------



## turnera

Nothing is ever going to change until YOU are ready to stop this insane dance you're on. "What's your point" - that is NOT asking her respectfully and calmly. It is an insult in itself. But you're so wound up and gaining comfort in hating her, and blaming her, that you are blind to your own contribution. You're in a vicious circle, with BOTH of you trying to bait the other person, BOTH of you sure the other one is the evil one, BOTH of you looking for nothing but bad.

How could your marriage possibly ever improve if you wake up and go to sleep, looking for the bad?

ONE of you has to stop. You are here learning. It may as well be you. For your child's sake.


----------



## Conrad

Reb,

Think about the difference between, "What's your point" with your back arched ready to engage and...

"I need a few quiet moments to collect myself..."

Followed - about 1/2 hour later with a genial, "How did this get so big?" - or "where did this come from"?

Avoiding the word "you" means everything.

I would suggest you get rid of "you" entirely.


----------



## dazedbeauty

Oh! I had to laugh to tears! I know you are being serious but I can't imagine you having to deal with that much scutiny! I would just laugh at her. She's hard on herself I bet, probably a perfectionist and unrealistic. 
Just shrug her off and tell her you love her inspite of her faults too. 
Nitpick her a little too, say you think her make up is this way or that, joke about her choice of shoes or something. 
I did get a feeling that she is emasculating you, as if she's comparing you to a beer guzzling, girl oogling, belching, he-man master of the universe type. 
She better watch what she's asking for! Some of those types pee on the toilet seat and fart in public too! 
Emotions are HUMAN not male or female. She must have had a past male figure that was very gruff or overly "manly"to constantly prove himself. Time for her to throw out the old tapes!
I bet your sensitivity, intelligence and definitely your humor endeared her to you right away! 
You didn't say how long you've been married. Maybe she is unhappy with herself right now so she's projecting? 
db


----------



## rebelsoul

dazedbeauty said:


> Oh! I had to laugh to tears! I know you are being serious but I can't imagine you having to deal with that much scutiny! I would just laugh at her. She's hard on herself I bet, probably a perfectionist and unrealistic.
> Just shrug her off and tell her you love her inspite of her faults too.
> Nitpick her a little too, say you think her make up is this way or that, joke about her choice of shoes or something.
> I did get a feeling that she is emasculating you, as if she's comparing you to a beer guzzling, girl oogling, belching, he-man master of the universe type.
> She better watch what she's asking for! Some of those types pee on the toilet seat and fart in public too!
> Emotions are HUMAN not male or female. She must have had a past male figure that was very gruff or overly "manly"to constantly prove himself. Time for her to throw out the old tapes!
> I bet your sensitivity, intelligence and definitely your humor endeared her to you right away!
> You didn't say how long you've been married. Maybe she is unhappy with herself right now so she's projecting?
> db


we've been married for a little over a year now. i do nitpick at her every now and then just so she could feel what it's like to be in my shoes. she doesn't handle it very well.


----------



## turnera

Gee, I wonder why. Are you ready to learn to communicate better so you can have a happy marriage?


----------



## BigBadWolf

cherrypie18 said:


> I (rarely though, actually he was the nagger in our marriage) would find little things to argue about with my husband hoping it would somehow lead to sex. I didn't understand how it was related though, it just felt that way.


Exactly this.

A " fitness test " or also more colorfully called a " $h!t test " by some, just this. 

The woman is wanting to see her man stand up to her, or in this way to show his backbone or, yes, his dominance. 

This is absolutely sexual. WHen the good man passes these tests, sex is near!

When the good man is failing these tests, sex is far away from him.

And especially if the good man is even failing to see these fitness tests as tests altogether, this is only leading to confusion and frustration and resentment.

These tests are failed when the man gets caught up either overly defensive of himself or emotional or whiny or retreating or appeasing, these things are showing him as weak and capitulating.

These tests are passed when the good man is calm, confident and retains his composure. He even doesn't have to even give a good answer, or even answer at all sometimes, providing his attitude is steadfast.

These tests are passed with "flying colors" and extra credit if the good man does these same things with humor, as if he is enjoying the opportunity to stand up for himself (display his dominant side).

The woman is loving to see his man able to make a decision, to show backbone, and able to stand on his own action and behavior without wavering like the wind. 

IN the primal sexual sense, this shows his strength and he is trustworthy as a good man, and the woman is on fire sexually for such a display. 



> But isn't it also possible that she's just trying to create a fight out of something small because she's resentful and is trying to find fault to say goodbye? Like she doesn't want to be the bad guy so she's making HIM leave her...


Actually these fitness test are just this same thing.

That is why there is such danger to neglect and ignore the cause and effect of sexul attraction in a relationship.

To ignore sexual attraction, if there is not sexual attractiont then this void is only going to be replaced by resentment, and given enough resentment this is always a danger of misery leading to affairs and divorce in any relationship. 

So again I beat this drum, to all good men and women reading this, do not ignore the structure of sexual attraction in your relationships.

To the good men, recognize the fitness tests and learn how to respond to confrontation. Be welcoming of it, become a master of conflict, enjoy the opportunities to show your dominance to your woman when she wants and asks and begs with these fintess tests to see the mettle that her man is made of!


----------



## cherrypie18

So if the woman's nagging is actually a "fitness test", what's the man's nagging? My husband nagged me over the dumbest things, even if it did not really concern him ie I'd be chopping vegetables and he'd come in the kitchen and tell me to clean up the crumbs..WHILE I was still chopping. This was in the very beginning where we were still all over each other. And no he did not ever cook or do anything in the kitchen besides getting food so I don't see why it should bother him if there's a few crumbs on the floor.


----------



## Conrad

Wolf is right.


----------



## martin888

I can tell you right now that I would NEVER allow my wife to speak to me in the tone and manor which you have described. 

I'm not an abusive spouse but my wife would know that if she ever said something to me like criticizing the way I stand or the way I pronounce words that I would loose my temper and go absolutely crazy on her. I'm serious I would NEVER put up with that nonsense. I would EXPLODE in anger if my wife spoke to me that way. 

To be honest, it's obvious that your wife is trying to get you to DEFEND yourself and act like a Macho Man. Seriously. She's trying to get you to act tougher and to be dominate with her. YOU sir are obviously TOO NICE.. 

Look man, it's like this... We all TEACH the people around us how to treat us. If you want respect then you have to TEACH the people around you that you EXPECT RESPECT from them. 

How do you teach people to respect you?? By letting them know IMMEDIATELY when they say something that is improper or rude to you. 

I'll be honest, I've met my share of women that do EXACTLY what you have described about your wife... The nitpicking pronunciations the criticizing every little thing you do... I can tell you right now I made it REAL CLEAR that I WILL NOT TOLERATE anyone speaking to me in that manor. I SHUT THAT NONSENSE DOWN right then and there on DAY ONE. 

I would have told her "How DARE you criticism the way I stand!!!!" 

If she kept it up then I would have dumped her ass before I ended up in jail for beating her ass to death.


----------



## okeydokie

how much fun would it be if all posts were genderless in origin. if this post was written as "my spouse nitpicks" versus "my wife nitpicks" and there was no indications whether a poster was male or female.


----------



## turnera

martin, this thread is from 2 years ago. Be sure to look at the last post date; the OP hasn't been around for a long time.


----------



## IeuanD

I've found this thread re-assuring - I am not alone.

My wife is the same - focussing on the trivia and failing to see the bigger picture.

She drives me to tears with her patronising "helpful" comments and is always telling me to do something if (to her) I appear to be doing nothing. I do most of the catering (except when "her" friends come round) and the cleaning and maintenance. 

I have tried being assertive but somehow I can't get it right - it just appears to be more fuel for her belittle me.

Her response to anything I say is "no". I try asking open questions but that just seems to give her more opportunity to control and put me down.

I seem trapped - either continue to be treated like a slave or end the marriage. Either way, I feel have been taken advantage of for being open, caring and honest.


----------



## Dreald

FWIW, the OP's wife sounds identical to mine. I couldn't pet her cat correctly (it caused too much fur to release), couldn't clean a bathroom properly (because it differed from the way SHE did it), couldn't driver properly (she's from NJ and drove like a maniac), did all the cooking but was criticized because some of them were comfort foods and not healthy, left dirt on the table when I couldn't see any, etc., etc., etc.

I stood up to her and that only made things worse. She LOVED confrontation and much like the 4th grade class she taught, LOVED being in control of EVERYTHING. I distanced myself and tried not to engage her but that only made her more upset.

Needless to say, we divorced and I'm much happier because of it. It seems like she didn't respect her father and because she could never keep a relationship longer than a year, had issues with compromise as well. Unfortunately this type of woman is NOT a rarity -- many women today feel that a man should cater to their every need without the obligation to reciprocate and address his needs. That once married, the power shifts to her and if "Momma ain't happy, NOBODY gonna be happy" mentality.

Sad, really. As these type of women will never find the love and happiness they so desperately crave.


----------



## Drover

Just stare at her until she asks 'what?' Then calmly say, 'knock it off.'

If she starts yelling or arguing, stare at her again and walk away.


----------



## RickColby

qbert said:


> I stay with her and try to cater to these needs because I really love her and care very much that she has a happy life and feels comfortable. I really want her to be comfortable and happy just once in her life. And I know it's not her fault. I really feel it's her anxiety issues and auditory problems.
> 
> But, at the same time, it's REALLY hard to deal with. There are just so, so many things. If it was 5 or 10 things about me that I need to change or avoid, that's no problem, but I bet I could list 100. Maybe more.
> 
> And it really affects our life. I always thought how wonderful it would be to be married and cuddle in bed every night and take taps together in the day. Things like that. Romantic stuff. Sitting on the couch eating popcorn together. Walking around the house singing or whistling a tune.
> 
> But, now I feel like we're just both uncomfortable all the time and it's causing an air of stress around us that's always there.
> 
> Again, I'm really worried that this is a mental problem because there are SO many things and with her hearing problem. Just all those things combined. We both need something to change.


----------



## RickColby

You’re marriage is over, you just don’t realize it yet. My condolences. Hoping you wake up one day soon and realize this is not how it’s supposed to be. There are no solutions available to you to make it stop, other than getting divorced.


----------



## Tilted 1

Zombie thread


----------



## Livvie

Tilted 1 said:


> Zombie thread


Yes, seriously, why do all of these new members pull up and start replying to threads that are years and years old? I don't get it.


----------

