# What do you think makes your marriage work?



## jld

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

jld said:


> Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/385353-reflecting-30-years-since-i-do.html


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## Ynot

I think the thing that makes ANY relationship last is honesty. It doesn't matter if is a casual relationship, deep friendship, marriage or ever divorced. Honesty is the basis of trust that is at the root the foundation of the relationship. All to often relationships fall apart because they are not based on honesty. Rather they are built on expectations and anticipation. So people get married because the expect their spouse to be X and they anticipate Y from them. When the expectations and anticipated results are not found, the result is resentment, which then undermines whatever had been there holding the relationship together.
I think if more people were willing to be honest (mainly with themselves especially going onto a relationship) that there would be less acrimonious endings to relationships (ie nasty brutal divorces). I am not sure most marriages would survive such honesty, but at the very least the couples could agree to part amiably as it is now known that that would be in their best interests. And still maintain some sort of relationship
It all starts with honesty.


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## leon2100

Poverty!! That's what keeps together! We couldn't afford to get a divorce. Now 52 yrs later we got the money, and don't want to waste it on a divorce.


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## leon2100

Kids! We didn't get a divorce cause neither of wanted them. Now 52 yrs later I wish we had skipped the kid part and gone directly to grandkids.


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## leon2100

We give each other a lot of space. We both still work. I had a great year and told my wife this might be a good time to retire... while I'm on top. She said, go ahead and retire but you're not going to staying around the house all day. Well, I'm still working and so is she. 

We have our own interest, hobbies and friends. I've learned to yes dear, no you're alway right.. its working.

I'm loosing my hearing. that's really a big help in keeping us together.

The other day I said, I like being 75. She said I wish I was 35 again. And I said... So do I! Well, back to my hobbies!! 52 yrs of marriage and 54 as lovers. She's the only person I want to be around more than an hour.


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## leon2100

The secret to a long marriage: Men: marry someone smarter than you.


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## MJJEAN

We love each other, are physically attracted to each other, are generally very compatible, are brutally honest, don't believe in privacy in marriage, and make each other laugh.


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## CharlieParker

Sometimes reading TAM I think it's as easy as we both give a **** about each other. More politely put, we consider the other, and their feelings, in what ever we do. We are not selfish, it's not me and her, it's us (that took me a few years to figure out). 

Communication doesn't hurt either.


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## sokillme

Communication because you can't work together without understanding. Acquiescence, compromise. Willingness to change when needed. Being goal oriented. Self-confidence. Both of us have a strong sense of self, so it is easier for both of us to give up stuff when necessary. Character, loyalty, and love. The usual.


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## leon2100

It's you and your spouse against the world!! Don't depend on the kids, relatives,etc. Always keep the wagons circled! I was told this many years ago by a man who had been married 50 yrs. Thought he was BS's me. But, now that we've been married 52, I know it was right. there is comfort knowing that made this far... 

We haven't always been honest with each other... we're human... but it sure made for great make up sex!!


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## aine

jld said:


> Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.


Going away for long periods of time and not being in contact.


Sorry I am being very facetious :wink2:


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## Diana7

Faithfulness, honesty, good communication, divorce not being an option. In our case we are both strong Christians so we pray together regularly and know that God is for marriage and has great wisdom.That helps a lot.
Oh, and regular sex.:laugh:


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## SimplyAmorous

I've thought about this many times.... what makes us work so well together.. why we haven't gotten bored with each other or wanted anyone else, after all these years ... it comes down to 1 word : "Compatibility".... it's not that he's so great, or I am so anything...we both have our shortcomings...yet they seem easy to live with somehow... they may create "bumps in the road" at times.... but never something that could rip us apart.... as so much else is what we long for....the emotional needs are satisfied...

Now put either one of us with someone else, it could be a horrific match... 

It's compatibility on a # of levels... @Ynot spoke of honesty.. it's absolutely essential.. "Sincerity of heart".... TRUST.....My husband has always given me this.. he has been a little passive in the past.. gotten better.. but honest/ sincere.. always. Me.. I couldn't help but be... though I have a tendency to be "brutally honest" (his words)... thank God he can put up with me! In this...the GOOD far outweighs the bad.... I am also very sentimental, validating, and expressive when I am happy....when I appreciate what he's done, how me makes me feel... he's told me I am "easy to live with"... but that's due to his treating me so good too ... it's a circle of giving on both ends... a feedback loop that inspires us both... despite those "bumps in the road" that always end in make up sex.. 

We just "GET" each other in a fundamental way... we LIKE the same sort of people/ friends. ..we've had the same dreams from early on, wanting a family, living in the country....did we just "grow together" or just KNEW what we wanted .... I don't know.. maybe a little of both...we've influenced each other....we're both "homebody-ish" , touchy-feely types, careful spenders, both enjoy the togetherness, share the same values, political rants too... it just works... I love his dry sense of humor....we enjoy bantering often.. communication is one of our greatest assets...

We still fight now & then but even in that.. he's humble, I will humble myself... I may have to do that more often- as I am more of a hot head.... but I've learned from his example...we genuinely want to please the other.... we both have a need for the other to be happy... it's like this saying...









I've always felt my husband brings out the best in me... I know he feels that too... we're just good for each other.. Yeah it's a lot of mush ...


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## chillymorn69

Define works?


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## chillymorn69

Maturity,acceptance,forgivness,appreication,love,lust,trust

You have to be mature enough to know you won't always feel all of these all the time but they will be a constant. And recprication is a must.


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## jld

My husband inspires me. And I am transparent with him.

That is probably it in a nutshell.


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## jld

SimplyAmorous said:


> I've thought about this many times.... what makes us work so well together.. why we haven't gotten bored with each other or wanted anyone else, after all these years ... it comes down to 1 word : "Compatibility".... it's not that he's so great, or I am so anything...we both have our shortcomings...yet they seem easy to live with somehow... they may create "bumps in the road" at times.... but never something that could rip us apart.... as so much else is what we long for....the emotional needs are satisfied...
> 
> Now put either one of us with someone else, it could be a horrific match...
> 
> It's compatibility on a # of levels... @Ynot spoke of honesty.. it's absolutely essential.. "Sincerity of heart".... TRUST.....My husband has always given me this.. he has been a little passive in the past.. gotten better.. but honest/ sincere.. always. Me.. I couldn't help but be... though I have a tendency to be "brutally honest" (his words)... thank God he can put up with me! In this...the GOOD far outweighs the bad.... I am also very sentimental, validating, and expressive when I am happy....when I appreciate what he's done, how me makes me feel... he's told me I am "easy to live with"... but that's due to his treating me so good too ... it's a circle of giving on both ends... a feedback loop that inspires us both... despite those "bumps in the road" that always end in make up sex..
> 
> We just "GET" each other in a fundamental way... we LIKE the same sort of people/ friends. ..we've had the same dreams from early on, wanting a family, living in the country....did we just "grow together" or just KNEW what we wanted .... I don't know.. maybe a little of both...we've influenced each other....we're both "homebody-ish" , touchy-feely types, careful spenders, both enjoy the togetherness, share the same values, political rants too... it just works... I love his dry sense of humor....we enjoy bantering often.. communication is one of our greatest assets...
> 
> We still fight now & then but even in that.. he's humble, I will humble myself... I may have to do that more often- as I am more of a hot head.... but I've learned from his example...we genuinely want to please the other.... we both have a need for the other to be happy... it's like this saying...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I've always felt my husband brings out the best in me... I know he feels that too... we're just good for each other.. Yeah it's a lot of mush ...


Your posts are always so heartwarming, SA. So glad to see you on this thread.


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## jld

aine said:


> Going away for long periods of time and not being in contact.
> 
> 
> Sorry I am being very facetious :wink2:


This made me lol!


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## wild jade

My husband. If it weren't for him, his commitment, the love and appreciation he gives me, we wouldn't be where we are today.


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## jld

wild jade said:


> My husband. If it weren't for him, his commitment, the love and appreciation he gives me, we wouldn't be where we are today.


Agreed.

Gottman says the success of a relationship depends on the man. I think he is right.


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## arbitrator

leon2100 said:


> The secret to a long marriage: *Men: marry someone smarter than you.*


*I would wholeheartedly agree with that statement, except for the mere fact that my RSXW was also quite smart and deceptive enough to carry on covert affairs with boyfriends from her past, all during the course of our marriage, without me having had the first damned clue!*


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## MrsHolland

jld said:


> Agreed.
> 
> Gottman says the success of a relationship depends on the man. I think he is right.


That is true in our home.

What makes our marriage work (second time for both of us) is that we like each other. We spend a lot of time together doing things from daily stuff like cooking, gardening etc to weekends away, lots of socialising, travel and just generally enjoying each others company.


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## Didi31

I think when you are both comfortable with who you are. and you are comfortable being that person with each other.


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## CharlieParker

MrsHolland said:


> What makes our marriage work (second time for both of us) is that we like each other. We spend a lot of time together doing things from daily stuff like cooking, gardening etc to weekends away, lots of socialising, travel and just generally enjoying each others company.


That's us too. We always had fun and a really good time together well before we got "involved". 

How often on TAM do you read about dysfunctional marriages and someone post "Your spouse doesn't love you, they don't even like you".


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## EllaSuaveterre

I think the two greatest assets to our marriage are that we're okay talking to each other about anything- absolutely anything- because we know that our goal is to make each other and the relationship better. On my end, I know that my gratitude towards him for being a good man and a good husband pays off and makes him more affectionate and an even better man and better husband in return. So gratitude would be another thing.


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## Hope1964

jld said:


> Gottman says the success of a relationship depends on the man.


Sure does. If the husband doesn't do what he's told, it can't work.:grin2:


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## Hope1964

MrsHolland said:


> we like each other. We spend a lot of time together doing things from daily stuff like cooking, gardening etc to weekends away, lots of socialising, travel and just generally enjoying each others company.


That's pretty much us too. If you don't LIKE your spouse, how can ANYTHING 'work'??


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## Yeswecan

chillymorn69 said:


> Maturity,acceptance,forgivness,appreication,love,lust,trust
> 
> You have to be mature enough to know you won't always feel all of these all the time but they will be a constant. And recprication is a must.


^This really. Biggest for me and our marriage working is always doing things together. Even if my W likes to do something I do not care for I go along with bells on! But there is nothing my W does that I do not like to do. This generates a sense of looking forward to that activity and being together.

Also, I choose my battles wisely. For years I had battles. As I grow older, I have found that 99.99% of the time there really should not have been a blink of an eye let alone a battle. 

And to add, after 23 years we still are very lustful for each other and enjoy sex frequently. The connection keeps strong as a result. Many stories of marriage problems here at TAM you will find that all have a same theme. Neglecting each other and complacency.


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## meson

For us it's mutual respect coupled with listening to the other and a desire to come to a mutual agreement. We realize that our perceptions and knowledge of context are not the same so when we have a difference of understanding we try to understand why our views are different. Once we understand each others context issues and problems are easy to resolve.

We continue to make and reserve time for each other despite our busy schedules. 

We work towards the benefit of the marriage and not just ourselves. 

Aine's facetious comment is also true. We also seem to know when we need space. Sometimes it's best to leave someone alone. 

Forgiveness.


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## aine

jld said:


> Agreed.
> 
> Gottman says the success of a relationship depends on the man. I think he is right.


It's not just a man, (I have one of those), it's an emotionally intelligent man. Where can I get one of those?

https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotionally-intelligent-husbands-key-lasting-marriage/

Sadly many men require alot of work in this area. This article was eye opening for me. One of my H key responses if I want to engage him on issues about our relationship is defensiveness. He doesn't hear what I am saying, it is just defend, defend, defend.

And me :banghead::banghead::banghead:


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## urf

Different things at different times. Marriage is two people reading together.

The relationships that are troubled have some thing in common.

One day while you are reading you discover that your partner is on a different page then a different chapter, a different book and finally you realize that they are in a different library.

Good relationships stay in sync. You learn together, cry together and lean on each other more and more. It becomes your mission to make the life of your partner as good as it can be while maintaining your self respect. You are always on the same page with your partner.


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## MrsHolland

aine said:


> It's not just a man, (I have one of those),* it's an emotionally intelligent man.* Where can I get one of those?
> 
> https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotionally-intelligent-husbands-key-lasting-marriage/
> 
> Sadly many men require alot of work in this area. This article was eye opening for me. One of my H key responses if I want to engage him on issues about our relationship is defensiveness. He doesn't hear what I am saying, it is just defend, defend, defend.
> 
> And me :banghead::banghead::banghead:


Absolutely. This is something I was never taught or understood till post divorce. High EQ is vital for a good marriage IMHO.

MrH V2 has a super high IQ and a very high EQ, perfect combo for me.


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## TX-SC

Honestly, I think luck plays a big role. My first engagement ended when my fiancée cheated on me. So, I can't say my "picker instinct" is perfect. My wife and I work well together, but it can be a crapshoot out there. You might Think you have the right one only to get a rude awakening later. 

For us, it has a lot to do with communication and mutual respect. Yes, we have arguments, but neither of us wants to hurt the other, so they remain fairly infrequent and generally calm.


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## Personal

Sex.


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## heartsbeating

Commitment.


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## ReturntoZero

heartsbeating said:


> Commitment.


Making good time


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## VladDracul

What other ingredients you require notwithstanding, find someone who thinks you hung the moon.


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