# Forced to leave or cheat?



## Pandora (Feb 22, 2010)

Two very bad options. I am married to a nice man who is good to me as a housemate but unloving as a husband and I'm not just talking about sex. Living without sex is bad enough, but we are without any intimacy..touching, cuddling, intimate talk..we are like very loving relatives and there is no hope that this will change after 10 years. It was never great, sexually, but I fooled myself that with time we would grow closer, now I am sure we will not.
We've had many frank and open discussions about this and my husband is happy enough with how things are..he is addicted to internet porn and I am losing myself as a woman. He doesn't think anything is wrong and doesn't want to go to therapy and, actually, I don't think at this point I want a man who has to "talk himself into it". I need physical closeness, holding, the scent of a man, I am losing myself.

So, this is my dilemma. I can't bear the thought of divorce..I love him as a family member and believe he loves me that way, too. We are good to each other and life is hard so things could be worse..also I hate the thought of being alone again, maybe forever. That leaves cheating as an option..also not a happy thought. I am so sad over this and know it will never change. There's no real solution, so I'm not asking for one but is anyone else in my situation? It would help a lot to have someone to talk to.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

As I have explained many many times on this forum, it's the act of ejaculating that drains a man's sex drive. Once a man cums, he is not interested in sex until after the refractory period.

So ejaculating to porn is causing him to have no drive left for you. If you could stop him ejaculating solo, he would soon build up desire and want another outlet: you. 

However, if he is unwilling to look at this, it may not be worth the effort you would have to put in to get him to shift gear. Sure, you would get a result, but you might have to do all the work.

Still, you never know. It might not have occurred to him how stupid he is being. Getting him to stop the solo ejaculations might cause his light-bulb to come on.

Personally, I would be firm with him. If he did not shape up, why wait around?


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## VeryShyGirl (Feb 18, 2010)

In my marriage I was the one acting like your husband, thought sex in a marriage wasn't exactly a necessary ingredient. Sometimes he felt more like just an excellent roommate, but one that I loved very much. I wasn't into porn though - recently learned that the birth control I was using was really decreasing my sex drive.

Anyway, I grew up in a very conservative home and sex was taboo. I was subconsciously under the impression that sex was somehow wrong and I was ashamed about everything having to do with sex. I also recently learned that even though my husband grew up in a more sex friendly atmosphere he isn't that comfortable with sex, never knows if he's doing it right, etc. We NEVER talked about it and I just assumed the opposite.

When I got married lots of married folks gave us tips about how we should behave in a marriage to keep it good... nobody EVER mentioned to me in my life what sex should be like in marriage. For the past 5 years we have been having sex an average of 1-2x per month. At times I did realize that this could be effecting my husband and our relationship negatively. But I now feel like a complete idiot for not understanding just HOW important sex is in a marriage until now... I have a PhD for Pete's sake! I feel so horrible for putting my husband through that. 

I'm still trying to figure out exactly how I came to this revelation... I think it was the combination of a surge in my sex drive compelling me to become frustrated and search for information on the internet. I've since spent a lot of time educating myself about sex and its importance in marriage. Peeking into the lives of other couples (such as reading this forum) was VERY eye-opening to me.

I think that if my husband would have told me "Look, our sex life is not normal, I am not fulfilled and its killing me, I want you so bad but you don't seem to want me... how can I change that? If I can't I don't think I can go on with this marriage as much as I love you with my whole heart" that may have been another way of achieving this revelation. I had NO CLUE he ever thought about leaving me.

Just a shot in the dark here cuz I'm a beginner myself, but from what others have said, a similar revelation might be possible if you can get your husband to quit porn (hence get some of his sexual drive towards you back). Can you get him to read sites like this or other similar information?

As for intimacy besides sex: touching, kissing, etc... there wasn't much in my marriage but now that we're working on the sex those things are coming naturally.

Good luck. Life is meant to LIVE though so don't waste your years being unhappy or even content. If he refuses to make an effort know that you deserve better. And don't worry about finding another... I've got so many great guy friends (of all ages) in need of a woman to take care of - they're out there


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Pandora said:


> ... we are like very loving relatives and there is no hope that this will change after 10 years ...That leaves cheating as an option..also not a happy thought ...


Your problem is that your husband no longer desires you.

Your proposed solutions are find a different husband or find a lover.

You reject the possibility of fixing the actual problem by re-awakening your husband's desire.

It is generally agreed that it is easier to re-ignite desire than it is to find a new love.

*Can I convince you to explore re-igniting your husband's desire?* Many people on this board know many many things about re-igniting desire, and might be able to help you. On the other hand, this is not a dating site, and very few people will have much valuable advice on how to go about finding a compatible person to replace your husband.

You don't have to stick with it for very long, but a few days of effort, under the guidance of people with experience ... seems at least worth a try?

Good luck.


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## Pandora (Feb 22, 2010)

Hi AlexNY and thank you for your thoughtful response. My husband probably never did desire me. He seems to be incapable of intimacy and, by that, I mean he does not wish to know me or be known by me. He has never had a truly intimate relationship, only superficial sexual ones so internet porn works very well for him. 
Sex is the easy part and I could certainly re-ignite his lust but that is only about ejaculation and would not be very satisfying to me, at all. The illusion of imtimacy would be washed away with the next shower.
That was the basis of our relationship before marriage and I foolishly thought we would grow closer but of course that hasn't happened, at all. If anything this is more of a Madonna/***** situation and while it can be fun to play the ***** role, it isn't much fun in the long term with someone who doesn't much like touching or being touched.

I want to be known and loved, sex is the easy part. We have talked about this very openly and I have told him that I'm not going to live like this forever, so he needs to learn to open his heart to me and have the curiosity to want to know my heart..if he does not, we are doomed as far as marriage goes. 

Now, if there is someone here who knows how to ignite tenderness, we'll really be talking.


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## Pandora (Feb 22, 2010)

The porn is only a symptom, not the cause of our problems. So now I know that some people like sex to be a simple bodily function, unconnected to emotion. And that's not something I can fix. Thanks for your response...it made good sense, otherwise.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I take it you have not suggested Divorce ?? Maybe doing so can open his eyes to JUST HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS TO YOU, how serious you are at this point. 

Do you think this revelation might catch his attention enough to work on his non-existent intimacy ways - to save the marraige? 
Everyone deserves to be desired by their spouse. 

IF he is complelely unwilling to satisfy your needs of intimacy, and cares NOTHING of fixing this, and he doesn't want a divorce either, then the very least he can do is allow you a Lover , since he has made his Lover internet porn. This is going to sound very bad, but some people are asking to get Cheated on - He is one of them, if all you are saying is true. 

Do you have kids ?


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## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

MarkTwain said:


> As I have explained many many times on this forum, it's the act of ejaculating that drains a man's sex drive. Once a man cums, he is not interested in sex until after the refractory period.
> 
> So ejaculating to porn is causing him to have no drive left for you. If you could stop him ejaculating solo, he would soon build up desire and want another outlet: you.


Wow, that really makes a lot of sense and hits home for me. He satisfies himself while I'm at work and has no drive left for me. However, H won't even admit to watching porn or masturbating. He denies it and gets defensive of course. Even when I found it on the computer he denied it. How can you reason with that?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

goincrazy said:


> He satisfies himself while I'm at work and has no drive left for me. However, H won't even admit to watching porn or masturbating. He denies it and gets defensive of course. Even when I found it on the computer he denied it. How can you reason with that?


 I don't really advise doing this - this could probably destroy a marraige, certainly break trust! But *IF* it got SOOOO Bad & you didn't care anymore anyway, I personally would get a hidden camera & tape his A** then at least that excuse could be put into the ground. 

I would have the hardest time with the blatent lying of it. Pretty hard to go forward & work on things when he can not even fess up to it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Bottom line:

If you need someone to majorly change before they become a joy to live with, you are going to have heartache because people can only change themselves. Of course you can be the trigger and you can hint... but after that, you may as well "consider your position". I'm through with trying to change people. What a relief!

Part of the problem lies with the OP for putting up with this for so long. It is equivalent to training him to be lazy and selfish. The over-tolerant behaviour signals that "this is OK". Staying with him signals that "She is OK with it". By the same token, it also indicates low self worth on the part of the woman.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Pandora said:


> ... Now, if there is someone here who knows how to ignite tenderness, we'll really be talking ...


The equation is:
Love + Desire 

You claim that it would be easy to re-ignite desire, but his manner of lovemaking is not affectionate or intimate.

There are two possibilities:

He is not affectionate or intimate with you because he does not love you. There is no fix to this. Move on.

He loves you, but does not know how to show his love in a way that is effective for you. There is a book called "The five languages of love" for this condition. The solutions in the book work, but they require that he *want* to change. If he loves you and you communicate that you need this, he will want to make sure that your needs are met.

One final point that I a am reluctant to bring up. Most men connect with emotional intimacy via physical intimacy. If you denied your husband sex for a very long time, you may have cut his lifeline to the emotional, intimate side of him that you are looking for.

Good luck.


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## Pandora (Feb 22, 2010)

yes, it does make sense. Mine actually admits to the porn thing..well, at least since I caught him. Not sure if that's better or worse but it is out in the open. What would happen if you asked him, as I asked mine.."what exactly DO you do about your needs?"


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## TheFrustratedOne (Feb 24, 2010)

Pandora said:


> Hi AlexNY and thank you for your thoughtful response. My husband probably never did desire me. He seems to be incapable of intimacy and, by that, I mean he does not wish to know me or be known by me. He has never had a truly intimate relationship, only superficial sexual ones so internet porn works very well for him.
> Sex is the easy part and I could certainly re-ignite his lust but that is only about ejaculation and would not be very satisfying to me, at all. The illusion of imtimacy would be washed away with the next shower.
> That was the basis of our relationship before marriage and I foolishly thought we would grow closer but of course that hasn't happened, at all. If anything this is more of a Madonna/***** situation and while it can be fun to play the ***** role, it isn't much fun in the long term with someone who doesn't much like touching or being touched.
> 
> ...


So really, I don't see this as much of an issue about sex as much as intimacy...you say that sex is the easy part but what you want is an intimate emotional connection where physical reciprocation is as much a part of marriage as verbal reciprocation. It sounds as though your H doesn't want this. I'm actually in teh same position with my wife, but I'm not at the point where it's divorce vs. cheat. We're going to see a MC shortly. And that brings me to this...the fact that he will not go to MC is a big red flag IMHO. If he respected you and cared for you the way you care for him and respect his needs...whether he wanted to or not, he would go to MC out of respect for your needs and would put forth his best effort. The fact that he is unwilling to try speaks volumes. I would never advocate cheating. But I would tell him, without making an ultimatum, that he either needs to satisfy your emotional/intimacy needs (which include sex), open the marriage to allow you to find the sexual outlet you need and deserve, or agree to part amicably. You deserve not just happiness, but fulfillment! It sounds like you're getting part of one and none of the other.


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## jc32 (Jan 25, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I take it you have not suggested Divorce ?? Maybe doing so can open his eyes to JUST HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS TO YOU, how serious you are at this point.
> 
> Do you think this revelation might catch his attention enough to work on his non-existent intimacy ways - to save the marraige?
> Everyone deserves to be desired by their spouse.


I think that an extreme solution like talking about divorce just might work. Your H seems oblivious to how bad it's become between you, because he's off in his own little porn world, taking care of his own needs. Very unfair to you! Cheating is NEVER the answer though. People who cheat on those they love end up having no respect for themselves, and often spend years bouncing from one self-destructive relationship to the next. If it comes down to it, it's better to divorce and move on. Have you ever watched porn with him? If you can get involved in that aspect of his life, you may be able to make him see that sex with you is infinitely better than masturbation. I think that once he accepts this as fact, he will greatly decrease his time spent looking at porn, and the two of you can begin to have a healthy, fulfilling sex life.


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