# Another chapter in an irritating story



## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

I hate it that I seem to come back every few months with a new chapter in a totally irritating saga. I keep thinking things will improve . . . they don't. But I also feel caught between a rock and a hard place - to old to make a change . . . or is it. 

Here's the latest:

DH knew I had some dr appointments to check on some issues my doctor caught but he has never asked how the test results came out. I have even asked him about some medical stuff he was going through. This is not unusual - because he does not ask about anything in my life. I came home with a large photograph and asked him to help me hang it - which he did - but he never asked where I got it, who took it, if it was a gift or a purchase - no comment.

Got about 5 inches cut off of my hair and significantly lightened. When I walked in the door, my husband asked why I was late. I pointed at my hair and he said - oh - you made it darker and walked off. 

Just got back from vaca & no matter where we went, DH was always 5 steps in front of, or behind me - rarely next to me. I made reservations at a nice restaurant for dinner for his birthday - and he would not carry on a conversation. I'd ask a question - try to start a conversation and I would get a one word response - or no response. 

Now, I am in a hospital waiting room while my daughter-in-law (married to my son - his step-son) is in labor. I asked him to run a couple of errands to get ready for Christmas and he asked if he HAD to do it today. I explained that stores were closing early tomorrow and what I needed might not be available. He said he had other things to do. He switched cars with me today twice at the hospital - but never came in to see how I was doing or my son or DIL. Been here 9 hours. Never asked about DIL. I sat in this same waiting room with him while his son and DIL (whom I consider MY kids) had their baby. 

How can he be so self centered or am I crazy and this is just normal "guy" behavior? Am I the stupid one for allowing this stuff without saying anything - in order to try to make things work? Interested to hear what some of you might do in these situations.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You aren't crazy. I'd be very hurt and very angry if my DH behaved like that.

I absolutely would not stay silent. I'd tell him his behavior is unacceptable and that he can either start being a whole lot more engaged or start packing his stuff.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sadly, as long as you have expectations of him engaging with you or other family members in any meaningful way, you are in for a sh!tload of disappointment.

It's your expectations that are letting you down; not him. He is showing you who he is. Frankly, he's totally checked out of the marriage. Why stay with someone who couldn't care less?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

This is not "normal guy behavior". This man is not a connected partner to you. I doubt there is anything you can do to change the situation... except get out of the situation. If he wanted to care about you, he would.


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

Been there, done that and now so glad he's gone. He could have cared less what I was doing or where I was. This isn't going to get any better. I know how hurtful this behavior is and it will do a number on your self-esteem & confidence. You feel like you just don't matter and are completely invisible. I'm very sorry but he is checked out just like mine was.

We both deserve so much better because we DO matter.


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

Thanks. I guess it is good to know that I am not completely nuts. I ended up sending him an email telling him that the things he did today really made me angry and why. I had to run home from the hospital for a few minutes - to finish one of the errands I asked him to do and he was watching TV. He asked how DIL was. I told him she was having a rough time he made no other comment and did not mention or apologize anything else.

I guess I need to come to terms with the fact that he really doesn't care and is checked out - as you all have said - and just go on. What a waste.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

IME this is not "normal guy behaviour". Why do you stay?


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

I have been split up with my kids dad for about 8 years.

He is still the man I call when my tire needs to get changed n crap and that.

Tell me why you are with this dude because I have better men in my life single and abused. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @Katiebird ~ It is preeminently well past time for a little "Come to Jesus Meeting!"

After all, "what's good for the goose is certainly good for the gander!"*


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

arbitrator said:


> * @Katiebird ~ It is preeminently well past time for a little "Come to Jesus Meeting!"
> 
> After all, "what's good for the goose is certainly good for the gander!"*


I sent him an email (not ideal I know) when I was still waiting in the hospital because I was so hurt. I also sent him a message asking hime to read it. No response at all. Baby was born late at night & DS messaged a bunch of people including H & he replied with "congratulations". I came home - H was asleep. Next morning, he got up, said good morning and went about his normal business. He literally did not mention the baby or anything at all. Went about his normal routine. I went into hospital - baby has some breathing issues - & then came home. He finally asked about baby and I told him that baby has some fluid on the lungs what they were doing for it. He said - "that is what I have . . . I keep coughing too." I told him that was NOT what he had. He walked away. I ended up asking if he had any other comments on the email. What followed was him saying that I am always picking on him and blaming him and trying to control him. Unfortunately i went off and told him that everything was NOT about him and his last comment just proved that he did not have a clue. He walked off and when I asked to finish the conversation, about 45 minutes later, he said he was busy. Since then - nothing. 

Why am I with him? Good question. Fear & financial mostly. At my age it seems too difficult to go through a split. But then again, this is no way to live.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Katiebird said:


> I sent him an email (not ideal I know) when I was still waiting in the hospital because I was so hurt. I also sent him a message asking hime to read it. No response at all. Baby was born late at night & DS messaged a bunch of people including H & he replied with "congratulations". I came home - H was asleep. Next morning, he got up, said good morning and went about his normal business. He literally did not mention the baby or anything at all. Went about his normal routine. I went into hospital - baby has some breathing issues - & then came home. He finally asked about baby and I told him that baby has some fluid on the lungs what they were doing for it. He said - "that is what I have . . . I keep coughing too." I told him that was NOT what he had. He walked away. I ended up asking if he had any other comments on the email. What followed was him saying that I am always picking on him and blaming him and trying to control him. Unfortunately i went off and told him that everything was NOT about him and his last comment just proved that he did not have a clue. He walked off and when I asked to finish the conversation, about 45 minutes later, he said he was busy. Since then - nothing.
> 
> Why am I with him? Good question. Fear & financial mostly. At my age it seems too difficult to go through a split. But then again, this is no way to live.


*Unfortunately, my dear, it is called "emotional detachment!"

Get yourself to a good IC for your own peace of mind and well-being, as it's more than painfully obvious that he will not be a willing participant in MC!

God bless you, Sweetheart!*


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I lived the life you have described for far tooooo long. I finally got tired of trying to get husband to be part of the marriage and involved in my life and I divorced him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Fear will keep you in place. Lots of people stay in bad marriages because they fear getting out. You only have one life, obviously, and it's up to you how you live it. I divorced in my mid-60's after a very long marriage. And, yes, my finances took a major hit that I'll never recover from but I'm happy and at peace. And -- most important -- I'm free from the stress of a dysfunctional relationship that just couldn't be fixed no matter how hard I tried. 

I have my life back. That more than makes up for the money I lost.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Katiebird said:


> I hate it that I seem to come back every few months with a new chapter in a totally irritating saga. I keep thinking things will improve . . . they don't. But I also feel caught between a rock and a hard place - to old to make a change . . . or is it.


And you will keep coming back every few months until you decide you are not too "old" to make a change. I have no comprehension as to why age would keep you from leaving a sh!t relationship. Life is very short. Why spend what you have left relinquishing the joy you could have to this dead relationship?

Life is tough enough. Why spend another second with someone who offers nothing to you?

Come back in another few months. We'll still be here. I hope you won't return with the same old, same old. Love yourself enough to get free.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Wow...that is completely not normal. My first husband was way emotional and very compassionate. I feel like my current hubby is just a "normal" dude, and he would never be so disinterested and self absorbed. He has the same thing as the baby?!?! What the heck?!? I would have wanted to slap him with my foot. Your a saint.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He cares about nobody.

Not a keeper.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Katiebird said:


> He finally asked about baby and I told him that baby has some fluid on the lungs what they were doing for it. He said - "that is what I have . . . I keep coughing too." I told him that was NOT what he had. He walked away. I ended up asking if he had any other comments on the email. What followed was him saying that I am always picking on him and blaming him and trying to control him. Unfortunately i went off and told him that everything was NOT about him and his last comment just proved that he did not have a clue. He walked off and when I asked to finish the conversation, about 45 minutes later, he said he was busy. Since then - nothing.


Time to drop 180 pounds of worthless flesh from your life.



> Why am I with him? Good question. Fear & financial mostly. At my age it seems too difficult to go through a split. But then again, this is no way to live.


Ugh. If it's financial, that will keep you in this misery forever. That's what keeps a lot of people right where they are.


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

Thanks for everyone's replies. It makes me feel a little less crazy. 

I asked him again yesterday to finish our conversation and his response is "I don't know what you want me to say." He also said that I am ALWAYS trying to control him and I NEVER do anything when he asks. A little calmer this time, I asked for specific examples - and he said he couldn't think of anything specific, but that I was unreasonable in these latest requests and he was tired of being chastised unfairly. 

I asked him if he would consent to talking with a MC - as an uninterested third party if he felt I was unfairly attacking him and after a long - LONG - (minutes) he said the only time he had MC was when he was divorcing his first wife and it didn't work. However he tentatively said ok. I asked him if HE would choose the MC (so he couldn't say they were biased toward me) and he said he wasn't sure how to do that. I told him I didn't know either and if he was serious he would figure it out. 

I also asked him if he had ever read any articles or done any research on our marriage issues or how to make it better. His response was "I don't have time." Yet he has time for hours of mindless TV and naps. He went into a rant about all of the things that I "force" him to do around the house (feed pets, vacuum (occasionally), mop the floors (never), go to the store (very occasionally and I will ask him to pick up something if I know he is going - but most of the time I never know) and that I NEVER say thank you or show him any appreciation. I cannot remember the last time he said thanks or complimented to me for doing anything - but I just let it drop. 

Right now I am getting mostly the silent treatment -- which is the way it usually goes. I will see if he comes up with a MC suggestion but I am going to wait for about a week -- since he claims that I make him jump when I say jump. I will have to be the one to bring it up again, I know. Otherwise, it will be the silent sulking for awhile and then he will act like nothing ever happened - but he will not be the one to bring it up again. 

@Prodigal - this incident is sort of a straw that broke the camel's back. It REALLY brought home to me his true colors. I am not sure I can continue ignoring things and hoping things will improve.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are married to a self centered, passive aggressive narcissist. He doesn't give two sh!ts about anyone but himself. This will not change. Question is, how much longer are you going to allow yourself to live with this misery? Another 10, 20, 30 years??


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

Five days ago he said he would go to MC - I asked him to pick. He waffled a bit - I asked for a timeline and he said he was tired of ultimatums. I said that if he wanted an ultimatum, I would give him one . . . he looked at MC online today and semi-picked one. When I said it was fine - lets make an appointment he said we should "think about it." "It will cost a lot and might not work." OMG - I feel like I am in the twilight zone. I've heard this before - when I had to have surgery and his first reaction was, "What is this going to cost me?"

He is managing to turn everything back on me - it is my fault because I push him and never give him credit or respect. He wanted to know why I thought I needed to be at the hospital that day "just doing nothing" anyway. I mentioned that I was there with him waiting when his son and DIL were there - and amazingly enough he said he didn't remember any of that. The more i read - the more I think he is a covert narcissist. 

A new year is coming. If I stay it will be like groundhog day and keep repeating and I will have no one but myself to blame then.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

When he complains about being asked to do housework and not getting a ticker tape parade, remind him that he does housework occasionally because he lives there!

If he says MC is expensive, remind him that divorce is also expensive and those are his only two options.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Katiebird said:


> Five days ago he said he would go to MC - I asked him to pick. He waffled a bit - I asked for a timeline and he said he was tired of ultimatums. I said that if he wanted an ultimatum, I would give him one . . . he looked at MC online today and semi-picked one. When I said it was fine - lets make an appointment he said we should "think about it." "It will cost a lot and might not work." OMG - I feel like I am in the twilight zone. I've heard this before - when I had to have surgery and his first reaction was, "What is this going to cost me?"
> *
> He is managing to turn everything back on me - it is my fault because I push him and never give him credit or respect. He wanted to know why I thought I needed to be at the hospital that day "just doing nothing" anyway. *I mentioned that I was there with him waiting when his son and DIL were there - and amazingly enough he said he didn't remember any of that. The more i read - the more I think he is a covert narcissist.
> 
> A new year is coming. If I stay it will be like groundhog day and keep repeating and I will have no one but myself to blame then.


Yeah really...why would you want to be around for the BIRTH of your GRANDCHILD?? For fvcks sake! Your husband is a grade A, prime time ASS. Dont bother with MC. Divorce him and dont look back.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's not interested in changing. If you stay there will just be more of the same until one of you dies. Not appealing? Time to move on.


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

Openminded said:


> He's not interested in changing. If you stay there will just be more of the same until one of you dies. Not appealing? Time to move on.


Apparently his idea of change and mine are different. His: If I ignore it - it will go away. Mine: put some effort into it - actions speak louder than words.

I asked to finish the conversation and surprise, we don't need MC - waste of money - we just need to communicate more. Me: how's that going to happen? He admitted that he has issues from growing up. I suggested that until he deals with that, nothing is going to change. Not going to happen. I explained I was hurt and sad, but no longer angry.I said I was sad that he seemed unable or unwilling to even acknowledge that I was hurt. He laughed that I was hurt that he hadn't noticed my hair being 5-6 inches shorter and a lot lighter. He again turns it back to himself and said I didn't notice that his hair was shorter either. He said that he is tired of me not showing him respect and appreciation for ALL the things he does - like completing a small remodel project that was 14 years (I kid you not) to get done. He got up and went to bed. 

Done. Done. Done. 

I am not angry. I am numb and just done.


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

Well here I am, still here . . . about a week after last post, we ended up in another discussion and H then decided that MC might be a good idea - again. Finally got an initial free appt with the MC he picked. I thought the MC was good and he seemed to be ok. A few odd comments but it seemed like he wanted to continue on. Then he started in on the cost and how long would we have to go, etc. Finally, I told him that the MC probably didn't know how many sessions it would take but if he had some questions, he should ask her - she gave us her email and phone. I will admit, I am much looser with $$ than he is. So he sent her an email (not to the email address she gave us but to a generic email address for her office) and will await her response before agreeing to more. 

She pointed out to him, based on the comments he made today, that he was stonewalling. Not sure how that sat. 

But my real question this time is whether,* based on his concern for $$, MC has a prayer of working if he has mentally put a limit on what he is willing to spend. *This is the same guy, that when I told him I needed major surgery - his first words were "how much is this going to cost ME." He is now going through some medical tests but we have excellent health insurance so the cost for those things are minimal. If the tests find something then I can see how he may want to watch $$, and I will feel even more stuck than before.* Can you put a price on MC?* Is this just an excuse?


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