# Please, HELP!



## usedtobehappy (Jan 27, 2010)

I know there are always 3 sides to every story...HIS,HERS, and the truth. I also know that it is hard to offer help without knowing a lot of the "back story", but the back story is longer than War and Peace (with more war than peace), and my side of the story is as close to the truth as it can get.

So,here is my problem. I am a SAHM to 4 kids-- 3 school aged children from my husbands previous marriage. She cheated oh him, walked out on him & the kids, and he now has custody of the kids. She has visitation. We have a 2 year old together. 

My husband works 45-50 hours per week. That is ALL he does. He goes to work and puts the pay check in the bank. He takes NO role in his kids lives. His 3 kids all have verified medical/mental issues. The oldest has learning disablities, the middle child has severe ADHD as well as some impulse control problems. His youngest has been diagnoised with "Conduct Disorder"...that is the newest clinical term for sociopathic behavior. She has been in residential treatment programs becuase her problems have gone beyond the scope of my capablities. The child we have together is by society's standard, normal. 

He refuses to believe his kids have issues...I have been the one to take them to the doctor, get meds, meet with the teachers to set up IEPs etc. The only reason the kids have gotten the help they have recieved so far is b/c the school threatened to get CPS involved because he was, by their standards, neglecting his kids. 

Everyday is a battle with these kids. The youngest is no longer in the treatment facility....the can oonly keep them for so long and than they go home.

Here is where my problem is: I have been diagnoised with an uncurable condition. It is not normally life ending, but it makes life very difficult on its own. When you add all the stress of the kids, plus some financial problems, and our almost non-exsistant relationship it is almost impossible to get out of bed in the morning.

He is not a good father AT ALL. He has "lost" his youngest child when I was not home. he was looking at "something" on the internet, and his daughter walked out the side door. I found her 5 blocks away, wandering the streets. She was 4 at the time. Anytime he watches the baby, she has fallen down the stairs, off the bed, or some other totally preventable problem. He uses the F word in front of and at the kids all the time. His oldest is always telling him to watch his mouth. He dosent know the meaning of the word discipline. He sits around the house in his underware ALL THE TIME. His "man parts" are forever hanging out....all infront of the kids. I have pictures of it just to prove it. He is always texting his almost 15 year old daughter things like, I love u, and I miss u and Daddy is thinking about u. He NEVER texts me anything....hell, he never says I love u to me.

And to add insult to injury, he dosent love me....he has said so many times. He did waht he needed to do to get me to fall in love with him and marry him, but once I said I do, he let his true self come out....that was the only way he could get someone to take care of his kids. He actually TOLD me all of this.

So now, the problem. I HATE him, I hate what he stands for in life, and I dont want to be around him. But, because of my illness, it would be VERY hard to suppport myself and my daughter. I am not making excuses for myself. My medical condition is covered by disablity, but that is not enough to support the 2 of us on. And please dont say he will have to pay child support....HE WONT! He will be ordered to pay, but he has already said he wont pay...he will put everything in his moms name, blah blah...whatever.

I also do not want my daughter around him...AT ALL! I dont trust this man. I would rather die than leave my daughter in his care. 

So, with all of that being said....WHAT WOULD YOU DO???

I am at my wits end!

If you made it this far, Thanks for reading...I really appreciate it, and any help you can give is more than appreciated.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

usedtobehappy said:


> I know there are always 3 sides to every story...


The only side to a story is what works and how to get there. Right and wrong arguments are not a solution, they are a trap that a marriage can fall into which prevents a solution.

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?



> His 3 kids all have verified medical/mental issues ... He refuses to believe his kids have issues


If your husband does not want to recognize issues with his children that require solutions, he has a problem.

If you want your husband to recognize issues with his children in terms of some kind of right/wrong or good/bad dynamic, you have a problem.



> I have been the one to take them to the doctor, get meds ... The only reason the kids have gotten the help they have recieved so far is b/c the school threatened ... Everyday is a battle with these kids


You have a right to be overwhelmed.

Asking that your husband pick favourites among his children, trying to get him to "see" that his 3 older children are less worthy or deserving than the youngest because of a laundry list of real and imagined problems ... no.

It sounds to me like you are waging trench warfare on the battlefield of righteousness with a bunch of toddlers ... is that who you want to be?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

If you are that unhappy you should get out of the relationship. If he has said he doesn't love you, and doesn't seem to give a damn about you or the relationship, then plan an exit strategy. He could very well be a sociopath too.

Do you have family you can turn to support from?
Can you work part time?
Can you go on state assistance?

Leave. Leave him to sort out his own mess.


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## usedtobehappy (Jan 27, 2010)

AlexNY said:


> The only side to a story is what works and how to get there. Right and wrong arguments are not a solution, they are a trap that a marriage can fall into which prevents a solution.
> 
> Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?
> 
> ...




I think maybe I wasnt clear....I have never asked him to recognize ANY problems with ANY of the kids in a good/bad or right/wrong manner. What I am, and have always asked is that he recgonize and SEE that the children have special needs and they need help. When I say help, I mean medicine, therapy, special accomodations in school etc... I would never ask him (nor do I look at the kids) to say his kids are bad or wrong. Some of their behavior may be bad or wrong, but that dosent mean the kids are. But to put your head in the sand and ignore all of the issues, that is in efffect neglect. I am not being petty about the issues, they are serious and severe issues. So serious in fact, that the state was going to remove one of the kids b/c they were a danger to the other 3 kids. So, as I said, all I want him to SEE is that the kids need help,as they are unable to help themselves. 

I do not play favorites with the kids, even though only one of them is biologically mine. I do not expect him to play favorites either. When I said my daughter is "normal", I was refering to the fact that she has no medical or mental conditions that require any treatment....and believe me, at one point we thought she might. So please....do not read between any lines and surmise that I expect or play favorites.

I dont think that I am trying to be righteous, or that I am waging warefare on anyone. I want what is best for my kids....ALL 4 of them, and for myself. I feel like I am trying to make heads or tails out of a bad situation.

Sorry if I mislead you.


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## Sunshine1997 (Jan 27, 2010)

When is it time to take care of yourself? You have been diagnosed with an incurable condition and if you don't take care of yourself then not only will you suffer but your daughter will as well. 

You cannot afford to put yourself last and take care of everyone else including other people's children. And I mean that with no offense to your step children. You cannot 'fix' them and their problems. If your husband and his ex-wife will not step up and take care of their kids then maybe cps does need to get involved. That might be for the best.

Saying you cannot take care of yourself and your daughter financially is an excuse to stay with your husband. You will be able to do it. You will find a way. Meet with a lawyer and find out all your options. Most do not charge a consultation fee. Struggling with making ends meet will be alot less stressful then the situation you are in now.


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## cookie4 (Jan 25, 2010)

Do you love his kids or do feel like it's your obligation to take care of his kids? It's kind of a hard decision to just leave and take your daughter...without considering the other 3 children. 

In the end, the ultimate decision is yours if you want to leave him or stay. If you're determined to leave, then plan it out thoughtfully, consider what this means for your daughter, his kids (if you care for them), and for you.


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## usedtobehappy (Jan 27, 2010)

cookie4 said:


> Do you love his kids or do feel like it's your obligation to take care of his kids? It's kind of a hard decision to just leave and take your daughter...without considering the other 3 children.
> 
> 
> I do love his 3 kids. I have to consider the relationship that my daughter will have with her brother and sisters if I leave as well. My daughter adores all 3 of them. My husband is a complete and total a*s to his ex. He wont talk to her, wont see her...NOTHING. I am the one who communicates with her in all aspects of the kids lives. I know it is not responsiblity to do so, but if I dont, he wont and the only ones that suffer are the kids...and they have suffered plenty already.
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If I were you I'd contact your local city services department and ask for help. See if you qualify for teaching help, mental help, school assistance, etc. If you're in the US, call United Way and let them help you. I hope you aren't considering leaving him with his kids while you move out with your youngest.


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## usedtobehappy (Jan 27, 2010)

turnera said:


> If I were you I'd contact your local city services department and ask for help. See if you qualify for teaching help, mental help, school assistance, etc. If you're in the US, call United Way and let them help you. I hope you aren't considering leaving him with his kids while you move out with your youngest.



No, I wouldn't leave them here with him. At the very least, I would take them to their mother. She is not what I consider to be a good mother, but she does love them and takes care of them. It might not be the standard that I hold myself to, but it is 10 times better than my husbands standard.

I figure if we both go to court seeking to get custody of both of our kids, we stand a better shot. I will know more once I talk to a lawyer. I just have to get the nerve and courage as well as the strength up to fight this battle.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Think things out and get as much advice as possible about services you can use. Think creatively about your living situation--can you find a roommate (a sibling, cousin, or other female relative) who is willing to share expenses and live with you? If the children end up in foster care, you might be able to be their foster mom and collect extra money to support them. The money is NOT the reason to do it--it just might make it possible. 

Sounds like you have a very tough path right now and in the near future. God bless you for caring about his other kids. Good luck.


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