# need advice? so confused



## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Ok I'm new here so let me start off by introducing myself. My name is Joseph and I'm 26 years old, i've been married to my wife for the past 3 years and been together a total of 6. We have 2 daughters together, our oldest is 4 going to be 5 soon and the youngest is 19 months. We have had our share of problems, like every couple. Let first start off by saying I've never cheated on her or physically or mentally abused her. I thought everything was going good in our marriage (I was extremely happy and i thought she was). I had a bit of a health scare 1 1/2month ago and she was right there by my side throught the whole thing telling everyone to pray for her "amazing husband" and that she loved me so much. Up until 2 or 3 weeks ago she has always wrote great things about me on facebook and talked to her friends about how lucky she was to have me. Then everything changed 2 weeks ago. She was excited that she thought she was preganant. I didn't believe her because the line on the test was very light and kinda blurry. I wast as excited about the pregnancy and told her we couldn't afford to have another kid right now that we were having a tough time with finances. Well a week later she thinks she has a misscarriage and it hurts her bad. She told me she cried her sleep everynight. I didn't understand what she was going throught and wasn't there for her like i needed to be, but i didn't understand and she was only like a week or two along so it just didn't affect me (guys don't understand). A few days after this she started being really short tempered with me and everything i did was wrong to her. She winds up telling me that she wants a divorce and that we could be friends but she no longer loved me. I just don't understand!!!!!! When i try talking to her she is so cold now and doesn't want to ever try to make it work with me that she doesn't love me anymore. She now brings up everything i've ever done wrong and says that i hurt her too much that she could never love again. She admitted to me that shes depressed and that she wishes she wouldn't wake up in the morning. Things she says that i did wrong in our marriage is i didn't show her that i cared enough, i didn't go spend time with her and the girls and that i didn't show them off to the world like i should have. I love this girl more than anything in the world and its killing me that she could pull back from me this far. I never meant to hurt her and i never cheated on her or anything like that. She says she has fake being happy since our 2nd child was born and that she hasn't been happy since, but she always wrote awesome things about me and told me how much she loved me and was in love with me and didn't want to ever lose me since our 2nd child was born. So i don't understand???? I'm just wondering if maybe this misscarriage she had 2 weeks ago may have really affected her mentally where she is pushing me away because i didn't support her the way i should have. 

I tried getting her to go to marriage counceling but she says she don't want to work on it. I just don't believe what she is saying is true that shes not happy with me anymore. I'm still the same guy and up until recently within the last month, she was so happy to have an amazing husband. I don't believe there is anyone else in the picture but i guess i never know. She does have guy friends. I'm just wondering is she really not happy with me or is she going though some deep depression for the misscarriage and blaming everthing on me causing her to see all my faults and push me away. Should i leave her alone even though its killing me inside because i'm madly in love with her and i dont want to lose my family. Am i holding on to false hope? she says she isn't in love with me but i cant believe it, i just think there is something more to it


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

Judging by what you've said it sounds like she's depressed and has been since your second child was born. If you can get her to see a doctor they'd be able to give her a better evaluation that either you or I can. You can't do much more than suggest she go and go with her and support her. Hopefully she'll be receptive to that. I know from personal experience about depression and how it affects the marriage. I used to tell my husband during our early years, before I knew it was depression, that he didn't make me happy. Looking back, that was a tell tale sign that I was depressed. Wish I knew then what I know now. I might still have him


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

thanks for giving me advice. She doesn't think anything is wrong with her but i think otherwise. She has just been acting too funny. She says she has been feeling this was for a long time but for her to not show it until after the misscarriage is a little strange. Like i said i never did anything wrong to her , just maybe not showed her enough love and attention.


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## bowhunter (Sep 5, 2011)

Tigercat, I was in your shoes in early may, nearly the same senario. Nothing you do is right or whatever you do is too little too late. I'm no expert, but I know what I did and it didn't work. I begged and pleaded, cried like a baby and everything else. If she would agree to go to the Dr. that would be great and maybe get some help if that is the case. But as far as what you can do, read up on the 180 and see what you think. It is really hard to follow through on it, I wish I would have found the 180 sooner and things may have turned out different for me. But from my experience there isn't alot you can do except work on yourself(changing what you can control) and be a great father to your kids. More than likely you will not be able to reason with her or make any sense out of any you say and she will say crazy off the wall things. She will hold on to every little thing you have ever done wrong(in her mind). Sorry you are going through this, I know how you feel and it stinks to high heaven. Keep coming to this forum, there is alot of great advice from people on here and they have helped me a ton. good luck.


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

hi bowhunter, thanks for the reply. I went back and read over your store and i have to admit they are strikingly similar. I too know that i too selfish and self centered with my time and didn't pay enough of my attention to them. I really felt that i did alot with them but my wife could point out a million things i didn't do. I do understand how she could feel that way if i didn't show enough love to her, but i told her i loved her multiple times of the day and always asked her to spend time together at night. 

The thing that has me the most confused is that she can say she wasn't happy for 2 years (since the birth of our second daughter). But up until just recently (last 3 weeks) she sure put on one hell of a show. She says she was faking it but i just don't believe it, nobody forced her to write those things about me and send me sweet texts and stuff like that. Why would she have to fake it, nobody would have even noticed if she didn't do those things. Then she has this miscarriage 3 weeks ago and all of a sudden she cold to me and i can't even recognize the woman i married. 

So what i'm most confused about is if she is really telling the truth or if she is in some kind of mental break down from the miscarriage or maybe even the miscarriage triggered some kind of post partum depression from her last pregnancy. I really wish she would seek some kind of help because she admits she depressed but blames it on me. She sees me as the enemy and is trying to put me out there to everyone that i was a horrible person but all the people that know me know this isn't true. 

Its just hard to hear her put all the blame on me and poke at every little thing i do or have done wrong. I've never cheated, i don't do drugs, hell i don't even drink or smoke.


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

and with all that i have said. I just don't understand how she could not want to work things out if it was things as simple as not spending time with them. She opened my eyes through this seperation and i just need a chance to prove myself but she has closed the book on the marriage. How could u give up on the marriage like that so quickly and not try for the kids sake.


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## bowhunter (Sep 5, 2011)

I know exactly where you are coming from. On a thursday my wife left to go to california to run a marathon with her sister, she called me at work before she left and said she loved me, when she got back on monday she said we need to talk and wanted me to move out. I don't know how many text and facebook post I got from her saying how much she loves me and everything else, but the day she got back from california her story was that she had been miserable for the last 10 years and she doesn't love me. I was right where you are. I wasn't a horrible man, I didn't cheat, no drinking, no drugs, I was involved with my kids. our divorce was final 2 weeks ago and there are still things I don't understand and probably never will. She even told me it wasn't a bad marriage, but it wasn't great. I was just asking for another chance to just try, because seperating from your family is a real eye opener, I know, you see things in a whole new light. But she wasn't willing to give it another shot and there is nothing I could do. I know all about the not understanding the not wanting to try, it just frustrated the hell out of me, but I never lost my cool. The not seeing the kids half the time is what I don't understand the most, how can a parent be willing to give up half of their time with their kids is beyond me. It wasn't like we argued all the time, and if she was as miserable as she said she was, she should go to hollywood and win an oscar. The thing I will always remember the most in all the tons of reading I have done is to believe none of what they say and only half of what you see. Look up on the net walk a way wife, It is a real interesting article and it was spot on for my situation and I think yours also. keep your head up and don't pressure and plead with her. you will be the blame of everything and I mean everything, but know in your heart it isn't completely true and try to change the things about you that you know are true. Hang in there.


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

I know i am feeling the usual range of emotions, like everyone who has gone through this but i'm really having a hard time with this. I'm having trouble sleeping at night, I can't help but think of the good times we had and think about the two children we have. It is eating away at me. I have been seperated from her for 2 weeks and have lost between 12-15lbs already and i don't have an appetite so i know i will lose more weight. I keep thinking about what she might be doing and hope she isn't doing wrong but i know over the past 2 weekends she has found this new interest in going out and partying. 

She got pregnant at a young age and missed out on all that stuff so i can't help but think she is having a crisis and is trying to catch up on that stuff. Right now our agreement has been she has the 2 kids during the week and i get them on the weekend. I just can't believe how much she changed over the past month. 

I have such a empty feeling because during the week not only have i lost my best friend in my wife, that i shared everything with but i lost my 2 kids and i lost my home.


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Update to my story...

Things between us still haven't gotten better. I really want to work it out but any reasoning with her seems to bring hate out of her. My wife just brings up all the faults i've made in our marriage and says thats why you lost me.

Yes I admit i wasn't the best husband but i've never cheated or anything like that. I just didn't spend enough time with her and the kids. I wish I could reason with her and show her how happy we were and maybe break her coldness to me. She is so convinced that i'm a bad guy when i'm not, she just makes excuses and now she even believes herself.

Is there any way to get her to love me again? She has changed so much over the past month as she became cold to me. I want her to see that I've changed and people can change. There is no reason to call off a marriage because of the petty reasons she has, especially when kids are involved.

Need advice on how to get her to see me for who i really am


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## rootar (Oct 13, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear about your plight. I am in no way justifying her behavior, but I want to explain to you what my experience was. After the birth of my first child, I had very severe post-part. depression which has never really gone away. My clinician has explained that my hormones levels changed from the pregnancy and have never returned to normal, thus the lingering depression. It gets worse and better at times. What I'm saying is, is that maybe the crazy hormone changes from the miscarriage have really messed with her mind. My depression made me blame my husband for a lot of things. Most which were truly not his fault, but being depressed, I wanted someone else to blame. It takes time to sort through your emotions with depression and she either hasn't had long enough to do that, or she doesn't want to. 
What I do blame my husband for still, is not supporting me to work through my depression. He expected me to be responsible for "fixing" myself through counseling or otherwise. He never did any research into how to be helpful or supportive. He never offered or went to a therapy session with me. My advice to you, is try and work on her problem together if she will let you. Tell her you aren't understanding what exactly she needs and that if you both go to the counselor, maybe they can explain her needs differently so that you would understand better. I think you and I are in similar situations, except that my husband just doesn't seem to care which direction our relationship goes. I truly wish you the best and hope some of this gave you some insight.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Tigercat, I'll respond in full when I can sit down at a desk. Keep your head up. Ny story and your's are very similar. Miscarriages can lead to very dark paths.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I have such a empty feeling because during the week not only have i lost my best friend in my wife, that i shared everything with but i lost my 2 kids and i lost my home.


First: Why in the world are you not in the home? She's thinking she wants out? There is the door. You have put yourself in a VERY difficult position by being outside the home. I can't even begin to tell you how damaging this is to both of you, your children, everything.

I am 13 months into this ordeal. My wife had a miscarriage. SAME exact thing as yours, however, it took longer after the miscarriage to manifest. We had the same situation. I was a "wonderful" husband before (according to her words), but apparently not. The key is that there were a TON of things she was not telling you. The miscarriage showed her that her fears about you taking care of her were real to her. It's not necessarily truth, but, it is her perception. The resentment from the marriage came spilling out because she most likely felt abandoned through the miscarriage. Women are emotional creatures. It makes things simply illogical sometimes. Regardless of what happens in the next 6 months, she is going to be angry and venemous towards you for at least 3-4 months. The 180 is a great place to start. This is a time of introspection and becoming the man you want to be. I highly suggest the book "Winning your Wife back before it's too late." by Gary Smalley. In spite of what she says, it's not too late.



> Yes I admit i wasn't the best husband but i've never cheated or anything like that. I just didn't spend enough time with her and the kids.


Wow. This is SO me. She probably felt like she was a single parent. Not true, but we are talking her perception here. BUT, we can't focus on her. Stop trying to analyze where she is because it will make you CRAZY. Control what you can control. Start becoming the dad you were always desired to be and it's time to really step it up in other departments. If you are out of shape, get into shape big time. I have lost 50 pounds in the past 7 months and it feels amazing. You need to have that outlet to deal with the emotions that you are going through.

Most of all, I don't care how you do it. Get your butt back into the home. YOU need to lead this thing. Your goal through this is going to be to stop allowing your emotions to dictate your actions. You have to create a baseline for your leadership in the home and make sure that your emotions or actions are subservient to that. For me, it is scripture. I feel good if I can follow my belief system regardless of how angry or frustrated or rejected I get.


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Wow. This is SO me. She probably felt like she was a single parent. Not true, but we are talking her perception here. BUT, we can't focus on her. Stop trying to analyze where she is because it will make you CRAZY. Control what you can control. Start becoming the dad you were always desired to be and it's time to really step it up in other departments. If you are out of shape, get into shape big time. I have lost 50 pounds in the past 7 months and it feels amazing. You need to have that outlet to deal with the emotions that you are going through.


you are so right!!!! Like i said she is putting all these bogus faults on me to make me look bad but its actually not even true. She says i never put our daughter on the bus or take her off the bus. Ok, the truth is shes been going to school for 2 months, I took her off the bus just about everyday and put her on the bus on my day off Wednesday (I'm at work when she gets on the bus, don't now how she expects me to do that). Then she says "how many times my mom had to come all the way from her house to get your daughter off the bus?" lol, truth- her mom might have taken her off the bus 3 or 4 times in the 2 months she was in school. Its just the petty stuff shes picking on me for and you are right there is no making her see it any other way. You can't be reasonable and talk to her, she has the real truth all skewed.

You probably are right about her feeling like she was a single parent. Thats where i admit that i was wrong, i didn't pull my weight at supper/bath time with the kids. But...she also doesn't look at i'm at work from early in the morning till a little past afternoon, then i go to school in the evening and when i would get home it would be late (9ish), and that stuff was already taken care of. There really is nothing i can do right with her right now. Everything she twists around and i end up being the bad guy, but its ok because i never get heated when she puts the blame on me, i just accept my faults (that are true) and let her run her mouth.


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