# Vulvar vestibulitis, no desire for intimacy at all



## Cyndera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hello all.

I am new here, and I am hoping that some of you will be able to point me into the right direction for my problem.

I was diagnosed with Vulvar Vestibulitis, which, if you know this symptom, causes sex to be really painful. I have had it for years, but it has become really bad in the past 2 years.

I have been married for 3 years now, and by now our sexlife is non-existent. I will have surgery soon, all other solutions that I have been trying with my gyn and physical therapist did not help.

My problem is that I have no desire for intimacy whatsoever. And that is, understandably, a problem for my husband, too. I just don't like to be touched at all, nothing seems to arouse me.

I really have no idea how to get my libido back ... well, "back" might not be the right word since it was never strong in first place.

Any suggestions are welcome. As I said, I have tried pretty much everything except for going to a marriage counselor.

Thanks,

~Cyn
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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

My wife had either dyspareunia or vulvodynia. There was never a clear diagnosis, which both of us found all the more frustrating.

It's difficult to get excited about something that causes physical pain. She didn't tell me immediately. For some time she attempted to hide the fact that she was in pain. At that point I was horrified that I was hurting her. We dealt with this issue for years.

There were times if I attempted to stimulate her with a fingertip or my tongue, it felt like razor blades. 

We used extensive foreplay and started using a vibrator and silicone lubricant as a means of occasionally easing into intercourse. If we did have intercourse, she would get a urinary tract infection - every single time. 

It took it's toll. We didn't make it.

Within the last year she underwent several procedures where cysts had been causing swelling and pain. Since that time she had become sexually active again. It appears that the physical pain has greatly diminished but mentally, she still has the expectation that sex will be painful.

We traced the start of the issue back to a cryo procedure she had done on her cervix while we were dating. Prior to that, our sex life was active, spontaneous and robust.

I hope that you continue to pursue options for treatment. I was tolerant, supportive, sympathetic and understanding - but could not help the fact that I still desired my wife. I wanted to explore ways to work around the issue, but that only compounded resentment and a negative perception of sex ... particularly with me, in her mind. 

Was there a time that sex was pleasurable? Did you suffer some kind of trauma?


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## Cyndera (Jan 22, 2010)

I did not experience anything like abuse or rape. But sex has never been good for me. It has always hurt. 
I guess at the beginning I was too much in love and I did not care that it hurt a bit. But it has gotten worse again and by now I can't bear it anymore.

Sorry to hear that you guys did not make it. My husband is frustrated, too, but I am hoping that we will make it. We have been thru a lot to be together, so I hope we will endure. 

Thanks for your response. I hope that my husband will look at this forum to maybe get in touch with men who experience the same problem and to vent a little.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Have you explored oral/anal sex and/or other ways of getting him off?


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## Cyndera (Jan 22, 2010)

artieb said:


> Have you explored oral/anal sex and/or other ways of getting him off?


Yes, but my disinterest in anything sexual kinda influences that as well. I was, at one point, enthusiastic about pleasing him orally, but right now it is nothing more than a chore, which has an effect on my performance (so to speak).

Anal sex ... we tried it, but it's nothing I'd like to do on a regular basis.

Keep in mind that I am seeking help here because I have tried pretty much everything under the sun that a normal person can think of. This includes anal/oral, various lubricants, numbing stuff etc etc. I am beyond all of that, and sadly nothing has helped.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

If you are not feeling attracted to your man, then something is between you both causing resentment.

So this is the first question, have you ever felt the sexual passion for him before, as opposed to realizing something may have not been there all along?

And the next question, assuming the first question is "yes", is what has changed between the man and woman, causing resentment.

To suggest perhaps the obvious, your physical discomfort has made your man feel like you are not attracted to him, and since sex was something so one sided that you would either "endure", or just "avoid", has made your man seek elsewhere the fulfillment.

And know this fulfillment is not just physical, but emotional, if your man is not feeling like a man around you, this is very destructive to the emotional health of the man, and a man will build walls and find distractions when this happens.

Also there are these things, that vulvar vestibulitis is not well known to most men, and perhaps there is suspicion that this is maybe more an excuse to hide another problem, at least in the mind of your man. 

And the cure for this, surgury most likely as a vestibulectomy, will in the most probable sense fix the physical discomfort, but there are years of painful sex and an emotional disconnect that your man has seen he has caused, and this at the beginning of your marriage where the sexual relationship should have blossomed, but instead has driven a wedge. 

I am guessing your man is presenting to you in some behavior that he is not feeling like a man, and of course you as a woman will not find this attractive. 

So to your man, again, maybe there is guilt, or suspicion, or resentment, even if on the surface he is trying to be understanding or supportive of you, but on the inside he is hurting himself emotionally from the sexual disconnect that he desires with you.

So the solution is this, to of course medically fix the physical discomfort, but also find the ways to communicate to your man that he is still a man, and when he is seeing his place in the relationship as the man again, will perhaps open himself and his attitude to you, again it is hoped, to be the man in the relationship.

And when he presents himself as such a man, in yourself as a woman, will find this sexually attractive, and both of you can resume to explore together the sexual and emotional connection in your marriage.

I wish you well.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Believe me, I understand what you are going through. But may I ask, what is your expectation? 

Do you expect your husband to embrace celibacy or a sex-starved marriage?

Do you get any kind of enjoyment out of simply pleasing him?

I'm not trying to place blame on you, but the math on this is pretty simple. My spouse chose to deal with it by demonizing my desire and only occasionally, and begrudingly giving in because she felt coerced, or that I was moping around. I didn't need intercourse. But I did need intimacy and sex play with my spouse that ideally we both could enjoy.

My point is simple, this either festers and makes things progressively worse between you and your husband (as in my case), or you find a solution that you can both live without having an adverse affect on your marriage.

Do you get anxious about any kind of amorous activity?


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

I'm sorry for your situation. Deejo makes some excellent points. 

I wanted to ask if enjoy any kind of sex play? Have you tried vibrators to bring yourself to orgasm? Or how about him performing oral on you? You say you don't particularly enjoy anal sex but am I correct in that it's not painful like vaginal sex is? If so what about trying a vibrator during anal sex?

It's hard for you to enjoy sex because you have these feelings of pain associated with it. I can see why it would be hard for you to get excited about something so painful. But what about focusing on other activities that aren't painful and find a way for you to enjoy them. If you can orgasm by a vibrator or by oral then have him try that along with you giving him oral. 

Maybe you already tried all this but that's what I can think of. No one here can make this issue less painful for you, hopefully your doctors will have some luck.


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