# Repost: My Story, Wife Cheated



## NiceGuy_Sam1971 (May 7, 2012)

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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Didn't you post this story here before?

(EDIT: nevermind, I see it's a repost)


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

From your story it appears she has no remorse and is not committed to the marriage and you are simply the fallback person so she can have her Cake.

If she wants to save the marriage she needs to quit her job with Richard and commit to the marriage. Otherwise, you will continue to be in this state.

1. You need to do the 180.
2. Prepare to Divorce, get finances in order, seperate money, etc.
3. Unless she starts doing the work to save the marriage, it is over and you are only fooling yourself.


Sorry.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Sam, so sorry you are dealing with this nightmare! In a way I can kinda relate to you, you have given up your life to live a life with a woman who you thought was the missing peice in your life. 

Why did she move back into the home from her parents? Are you guys planning to work on R? Has she quit her job and gone NC with OP? If I read correctly she has not. 

There is not much options you have: either you stay in a relationship with this woman who has blatantly lied and cheated on you numerous times. Or you remove yourself from her, either still living in Aus. to be with your children or move back to England to be with you family. Its a tough pill to swallow and take time to make this life altering decision. But the bottom line is, you are too emotional to keep going through these ups and downs and must make a plan of action soon.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Divorce her. She is a serial cheater with the same pattern over and over. Once you where they guy she cheated with, now you are the husband she cheats on.

She is still the same person, and she is still in the affair even if she is living back in the same home with you.

Her first husband escaped her lies and divorced her, you should talk to him and learn from his leadership. Run forest run.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

I'm sorry you find yourself in this terrible situation, I'm a BS also, so I understand what you are going through. You ask for constructive advice, and I certainly hope you are willing to listen to what people will tell you in this thread.

There are several steps you can take that will help you deal with your situation. The first and most important step is to seek out and consult with a psychologist that specializes in infidelity. Given the circumstances, I think you could benefit from seeing that type of counselor twice a week for the foreseeable future.

To me it seems as if you have thus far not properly established and communicated healthy boundaries to Jess. Your responses to the last few EA's (emotional affairs) that she had communicated to her that there would be no real consequences to her inappropriate behavior, so she had no reason to respect your relationship. 

As mentioned by another response in this thread, Jess seems content with the idea that she can have her "exciting" EA/PA's and still have the loving and dedicated husband waiting for her at home. She is secure in the knowledge that you will "roll over and beg" and wait for her flings to end. She will continue to act in this way, and will escalate what she does, so long as she feels that her comfortable, stable, loving home life will never be threatened. 

She will never take you seriously or respect you if you do not put some meaningful effort into communicating to her that you will not put up with her behavior. You have already been given the best advice about how to do this. You need to consult with an attorney to find out what your rights and responsibilities will be if you choose to divorce. Begin taking good care of yourself, exercise, diet, see a counselor, and once you are a bit more put together, file for divorce. It takes a while for divorce to be finalized, and the severity of such an act from you may just jar her out of the "affair fog" that she is in.

Best of luck to you, and please keep us posted.

-P


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I believe my post in your other thread was something along these lines:

Your relationship started on shaky ground. She had some sort of problems in her marriage--and she didn't choose to go to counseling or to ask for a divorce from her husband like a mature adult. You entered into the relationship with a big commitment after not knowing her for very long. You thought you were saving her and that you would be enough.

You are now discovering that she needs saving on a daily basis from multiple men. One man (you) cannot save her. You are likely a devoted, loyal partner to her who has done more than your fair share to help in all the ways a loyal partner should. She has rewarded that loyalty by doing the same thing with others that she did with you at the start of your relationship--find someone over the Internet to bond with BEFORE fixing or ending the relationship she's actually in.

She has likely always had multiple men over the Internet to whom she has turned. You've found some of them. But I suspect there are more and that this is a powerful addiction/compulsion for her. It's her escape from reality--no different than alcohol or drugs to her.

The pattern is horribly obvious. 

Real life partner = never good enough and not worth the energy or effort; dreary conversations about responsibilities, sharing, fairness; diverting the focus from her favorite topic, herself

Fake internet relationships = no criticism, lots of affirmation and validation, lots and lots of fun; constant immersion in her favorite topic, herself


----------------------

She is clearly a broken person. She may have serious psychological issues that aren't apparent on the surface and instead manifest themselves in this self-destructive behavior.

She desperately needs excellent counseling to uncover the huge holes in her heart. You can see for yourself--you pour love in and it pours right out.

_You_ cannot fix her. Possibly, nothing can or will. Your best shot is a counselor who is experienced in sex / porn / internet addiction. I know it will seem odd to look for a counselor in those fields, but they understand the compulsion, the addiction, and they know better than an ordinary counselor how to dig out WHY she keeps throwing herself into these fantasies.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Niceguy:

Serial cheaters are not fixable until they get too old and lose their sex drive. 

She is likely sex addicted, IMO.

This woman sounds like my cheater husband's OW. She lied and lied to her own husband and swore on her kids too. she is serial cheater and also uses the term inappropriate relationship when she really mean full out sex.

Anyone who swears on their kids does not taking the swearing seriously. I never swear on anyone I love. It's just wrong. 

You can do better. 

I suspect my cheater husband is a serial cheater. Now that I know the red flags, they were there my entire marriage. I was too naive about cheating to notice them. 

In any case, I have filed for divorce. Sounds like you should, too. 

What are you losing, anyway. This spouse is disrespectful, selfish, and a veteran cheat and liar.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

NiceGuy_Sam1971 said:


> I'm not sure how long it was I think about two days later I pleaded and completly sobbed and humbled myself to Jess on the phone for her to tell me whats gone on, what she was hiding from me, telling her I loved her no matter what, that *I worshiped the ground she walked on*, and everything could be worked out, I would give her more attention. She was cold as ice on the phone and I could hardly talk.


I remember all too vividly telling my wife, with tears running down my face, how I worshiped her and asking her why she had done this terrible thing to me. Like me, I hope that one day you too will discover that gods and goddesses are the only entities that deserve our worship.

I wish you well.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I'm sorry you're going through this. She is a serial cheater. She won't stop unless she realizes that there are consequences for her actions that she doesn't want to pay. You have not given her any reason to believe that you won't allow it. In fact, by giving her no consequences, you have given her permission to cheat on you. She is going to see you as a complete doormat and she will not respect your demands that she stop what she is doing because your threats are empty; you'll take her back anyway, at least according to the pattern she has observed. She seems to be manipulating you, too, saying she is going away until you have cooled off, as if you're the one behaving inappropriately. 

You need to take a few steps back and realize that she is treating you like crap and you don't deserve to be treated that way! I know you love her and you want things to work out, but your current strategy is going to fail. I know this. I left my h who I still love because he wouldn't be honest about his cheating and disrespect and expected me to be a doormat that accepted it; there is a huge difference between loving someone and building a sound marriage with someone. She may well love you, but she is too immature to be married and needs to grow up. She needs hobbies of her own and some self-confidence so that she isn't depending on guys to boost her ego all the time. You can't make this happen. She has to be willing to commit to you on her own or else it's all fake. You cannot make her love you the right way or be a good wife to you, not even by loving her enough to accept her faults. Don't tolerate her faults. Don't enable her bad behavior. Be strong enough to object!

You should do the 180. If there is any chance of saving your marriage, it will come from you absolutely walking away from her and her realizing for herself that she doesn't want to lose you. It will depend on you rebuilding yourself in a less dependent way on her. Right now, you've invested so much in this relationship that your world is destroyed because of it, but you need to build a world for yourself that isn't dependent on her -- then, if she is able to offer you the same, you can build a bridge between your two worlds to connect. Right now, that can't happen.

180 completely. Build up your self esteem and your independence because she's trashed those. Let her fall on her face and realize that she has lost the best thing she's got. Either she'll come back to you with some sense of decency and remorse, or you'll know that she wasn't worth your love because she didn't love you back the right way.

Whatever you do, do NOT chase, beg, plead, cajole, or try to persuade her to come back to you because that will send her quickly into the arms of Mr. Sleazeball of the Month.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I believe my post in your other thread was something along these lines:
> 
> Your relationship started on shaky ground. She had some sort of problems in her marriage--and she didn't choose to go to counseling or to ask for a divorce from her husband like a mature adult. You entered into the relationship with a big commitment after not knowing her for very long. You thought you were saving her and that you would be enough.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
Insightful and candid post here! I agree with this so much that I think you should read it again so I am quoting it here in its entirety with a bunch of "I agree" emoticons to catch your attention.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You've been offered excellent advice by the forum members, the question is, do you have the courage to take it? If not then no amount of 'constructive' advice to you is going to be enough since it will be falling on deaf ears.


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## NiceGuy_Sam1971 (May 7, 2012)

Thankyou for all you're advice. Just to shed more light on the whole story, for the last 3 weeks I have been in a state of "I want you, I dont want you, I want you, I dont want you". Every time I have told her I dont wish to be with her or have given her reason to think its over contact with the other guy has occurred. I have asked her why she is still in contact with this person if like she claims she is so "ashamed" of what she did. Her response is because she thought it was over between us and we were seperated. Jess has said she loves me and wants to work things out and realises Richard was just using her. Just to give you some insight on what happend and why I'm still here after my suicide attempt, I was talking to Jess via internet before I made the stupid decision to attempt it. Jess had been the one who suspected something and rushed to the house to find me lying on the sofa unconscious(I had taken an overdose). She said she was hysterical and through my attempt at killing myself has come to realise how much she doesnt want to loose me. Ultimately she has told me she loves me, wishes for us to goto coucelling and wants to try again. Sadly I have seen no proof she loves me, she has not left her job: she says because we wouldnt survive financially, and apparently this Richard is transfering to another store and she says shes going to see if and when hes doing this, which she hasnt...


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## NiceGuy_Sam1971 (May 7, 2012)

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## NiceGuy_Sam1971 (May 7, 2012)

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## NiceGuy_Sam1971 (May 7, 2012)

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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Talk is cheap.

Actions not words.

She does not want to give him up.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

NiceGuy_Sam1971 said:


> Thankyou for all you're advice. Just to shed more light on the whole story, for the last 3 weeks I have been in a state of "I want you, I dont want you, I want you, I dont want you". Every time I have told her I dont wish to be with her or have given her reason to think its over contact with the other guy has occurred. I have asked her why she is still in contact with this person if like she claims she is so "ashamed" of what she did. Her response is because she thought it was over between us and we were seperated. Jess has said she loves me and wants to work things out and realises Richard was just using her. Just to give you some insight on what happend and why I'm still here after my suicide attempt, I was talking to Jess via internet before I made the stupid decision to attempt it. Jess had been the one who suspected something and rushed to the house to find me lying on the sofa unconscious(I had taken an overdose). She said she was hysterical and through my attempt at killing myself has come to realise how much she doesnt want to loose me. Ultimately she has told me she loves me, wishes for us to goto coucelling and wants to try again. Sadly I have seen no proof she loves me, she has not left her job: she says because we wouldnt survive financially, and apparently this Richard is transfering to another store and she says shes going to see if and when hes doing this, which she hasnt...


I hope her return to you is not temporary til you get out of your suicidal ideas.
And I wonder how she calls herself a Christian with all the serial cheating she has done.


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## NiceGuy_Sam1971 (May 7, 2012)

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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

NiceGuy_Sam1971 said:


> I'm in a state of anger at the moment. Angry with the fact I was stupid enough to try and kill myself. Im also angry at her for making me want to do it. I have come to realise no matter how dark a place I am in right now, things must go on for the sake of my children. She has been saying she is not leaving me.


Whether she leaves you or not you have to be in a healthy state of mind for you and the children. 
Her commitment to you might not be permanently so you need to get professional help to get over your suicidal thoughts.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

NiceGuy_Sam1971 said:


> I'm in a state of anger at the moment. Angry with the fact I was stupid enough to try and kill myself. Im also angry at her for making me want to do it. I have come to realise no matter how dark a place I am in right now, things must go on for the sake of my children. She has been saying she is not leaving me.


well she is not leaving him either... you need to put your foot down for yourself as to not being the doormat. You cannot control people, just control your own actions... so - you know she isnt going to cutt ties with this guy. your choice is to accept the fact and move on or move out and let her have her relationship with this guy. I think the best thing for you to do is move out for the sake of your own emotional state, as from your posts I dont think you can handle sharing your wife, and her continous lies.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

she hasn't done what she was supposed to, so you got your answer. Your attemp shows total rejections of her so she came back. once she see you accepting her again, look out dude !!!


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

I think you need help first. Love God, urself, then wife. You have no selfrespect, no self love, how do you expect her to respect/love you if you don't? Please look @ the 180 plan and get into IC...ur kids need a good solid father.
Mouse


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## NiceGuy_Sam1971 (May 7, 2012)

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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi Niceguysam71

I'm so sorry for what you have been through but very glad that you went to the doctor and are getting support.

Please also go and see a therapist dealing with infidelity as soon as you can.

I'm in the UK too, the sun is shining here and it is a hot day (for a change!). 

You deserve better - don't forget that.

Jen


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NiceGuy_Sam1971 said:


> Update: I have been to my doctor and he immediately put me on valium to calm me, only a tempory thing but it seemed to help some what. I told him everything about my past and what has happend within my marriage. I was brutally honest with him about how ashamed I feel and guilty not just for trying to take my own life but also things within the marriage that I feel I could have done to stop this all from happening. I told him I've not been the model husband that I should have been and have on many occations rejected my wifes pleas to be with me or go out with me. This coupled with my wifes fears of rejection and the fact she thought I didnt love her has all grown to make me feel guilty and that I could have prevented this from happening.


Has your wife told you what she needs to feel loved? Find out. Does she expect something reasonable? Or is she in capable of feeling loved and therefore she is always looking for someone new to love her?


How much time did you spend weekly with your wife, just the two fo you doing date-like things together? It takes about 15 hours a week couples time to maintain the close emotional attachment that makes a marriage passionate.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

NiceGuy_Sam1971 said:


> I told him I've not been the model husband that I should have been and have on many occations rejected my wifes pleas to be with me or go out with me. This coupled with my wifes fears of rejection and the fact she thought I didnt love her has all grown to make me feel guilty and that I could have prevented this from happening.


 So you agree with your wife that each time that she f**ked another man and sucked his di*k, it was your fault, and that you could have prevented this from happening by simply being "the model husband"? What drugs are you on again?


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## NiceGuy_Sam1971 (May 7, 2012)

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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

NiceGuy_Sam1971 said:


> Her requests are reasonable and I can see that.


Except her request that she be allowed to have online EA's with men, and actually full on PAs.

You're falling into accepting the blame for her cheating. Stop going there.

Your wife, chose to cheat. Instead of putting that effort and passion into build the relationship, she chose to seek out other men.

You didn't get a chance, or a vote in the matter. It is something she is 100% responsible for.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

NiceGuy_Sam1971 said:


> I Ele, Sadly my attention to her and time spent with her has become less and less. My excuses have ranged from "Im too tired" to "I need to finish what Im doing here first then I'll be with you". I have not spent anywhere near 15hours a week with her doing date like things sadly. I should point out I dont have a social life and neither does she. Our activities at home consist of me sitting doing small projects on the computer and Jess browsing facebook or other things on her phone. The only time spent together is either watching TV, spending time with the kids or having dinner in the same room.
> Her requests are reasonable and I can see that.


Why would this be--why are you pulling away from her emotionally? Obviously we don't know you from Adam, but if I had to guess, it's because each time you discover that she's betrayed you, you love her less. All her very selfish actions are hardening you and making you colder toward her. Protecting yourself by withdrawing emotionally is a NORMAL human reaction to someone treating you like SH*T.

Is SHE in counseling?


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## NiceGuy_Sam1971 (May 7, 2012)

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## NiceGuy_Sam1971 (May 7, 2012)

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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This is not your fault and there is no way you could have prevented her behavior!

Sure you are 50 % at fault for a unhealthy marriage, but you are by no means remotely responseable for her behavior. Your wife made a choice.

Cheating is a by product of a unhealthy marriage, but the dicision to deal with an unhealthy marriage is an idividual choice one makes to get rid of the void. Honorable folks tend to leave the unhealthy marriage while others...not so honorable tend to decieve and lie thier way out. A much easier appraoch for them.

The hard road to face the tough issues of a marriage is to face them head on and not hide from them and lie your way through them by finding others to fill that void of a unhealthy marriage.

So my friend, make no mistake you are not at fault for your wifes choices, but you are 50 % responsable for the unhealthy marriage.

Her adultory is on her not you.


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## GTA06 (Feb 17, 2012)

I don't see how are u planning to make u r marriage work if there is commitment from u r wife's side.....


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

NiceGuy_Sam1971 said:


> Shes not in counseling yet.


Many times on the forum, it's recommended that the "third person in the marriage" leave the marriage before counseling can begin.

I'm thinking in your case, do what you can to get your wife into individual counseling and the two of you in marriage counseling.

For me to say, "your wife has serious psychological issues" is an understatement. You do too--as you say, you don't know how to be in a relationship, how to react to her behavior in a mature way by standing up for yourself. But your wife has grave issues that aren't going to change without counseling.

When you suggest counseling for her (IC) and for the two of you (MC), what does she say?


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## NiceGuy_Sam1971 (May 7, 2012)

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