# 9 y/o d calls sobbing... Not sure if my reaction was the right one



## thebesman (Jan 3, 2010)

45 minutes after her bedtime, my 9-d called me sobbing. I was having dinner and watching a movie with some friends, and excused myself to talk to her. She was sobbing that she missed me and would do anything for me to come back home. She said that she would move her room back (when I was staying there, she shared a bedroom with her older sister so I could have a home office... she has since moved into where the office was at my suggestion, and if I do go home, I won't want that to change). She said that she would do whatever she had to do for me to come back home. 

Sobbing myself, I told her that I was working really hard to figure out a way to be able to come back home and be a family, but it wasn't only my decision. 

I then told her that I was sorry that she was having a rough night, and I told her to put on some music and try to think about something else until she goes to sleep.

How do I respond to that from my daughter when I don't want to be out of the home? Am I wrong for giving hope by telling her that I am truly working to figure out a way for us to continue to be a family? Am I wrong for expressing that it is NOT only my decision?

(check out my first post for background details)


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I think you did fine. It's breaks my heart to read what you wrote. You handled it the best way you knew how.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You did well, but I suspect she feels it is her fault that you left--totally irrational and maybe not even she is cognizant of her assumption, but she may be feeling VERY guilty and the whole room switching thing suggests to me that she does.

It's hard to see your kids feeling bad. Model your best efforts at supporting yourself (showing her you have self-esteem) while comforting her; reassure her you will be ok, she will be ok, this is NOT in any way her fault; you would like to be home but that may not be possible because grown ups have grown up problems. It's ok to let her know that marriage takes two and that you must mutually agree in a marriage to make things work; it's not ok to imply that it is her mom keeping you out of the house. Fine line to tread, but sounds like you were doing ok. 

Your daughter will learn a lot about facing hardship from the way you handle this, so keep that in mind. Make sure she knows you were sad b/c she is sad, NOT b/c you are falling apart--that's a huge burden on a kid, and they need to know you are ok even if you are sad. Bring it up next time you see her--let her know you were crying for her, not yourself (and let's hope that is true; try not to burden your child with your self-pity--and I don't mean that in a mean way at all! Cry all you want about your own losses, just not in front of a child who will feel she needs to make you feel better). It's good for her to see you empathize, to feel grief and sadness, but it isn't good for her to see you disintegrate--does that make sense?


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

It sounds like you are doing good - it is painful stuff 

This is great advice from sisters - 
but it can be very very tricky 
I have found myself crying in front of my kids - 
I simply cannot hide it all the time 

some folk are better at managing the expression of their emotions than others 

don't be too hard on yourself


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## thebesman (Jan 3, 2010)

So today, I come to find out that Shell had OM over at the house well into the evening last night. This was in direct contradiction to our specific agreement that OM would NOT come over to the house without his kids, and would only stay until my kids go to bed.

I was very upset to hear that, and her response was very flippant... "I asked 18 y/o if she was ok with it, and she said yes". I explained that I was not OK with it, and the agreement was between her and I just as much as her and my oldest. I told her that I was not wanting to stay for dinner at the house, and that she needed to come pick up the kids like she had done the 2 last times that I did not stay at the house with them. She refused, stating that it was a school night, and she did not want to have to make that trip. I told her that they could just stay with me, and she said long as I get them up in time for school (where I am staying is about 20 minutes from the house).

Instead of an emotional outburst, I left the house with the kids, went to dinner, and then to my son's cub scout meeting. 

At dinner my oldest told me that OM had been over without his kids 2 or 3 times since the agreement was made. I then had a conversation with the 2 youngest in front of my oldest. Almost verbatim, the conversation went as follows:

Me = What has mom told you about Lee?
9-d = The he's her friend. That she likes hanging out with him. But I don't like it when he comes over.
Me = Why not?
9-d = Because he doesn't do anything with us. Mom only hangs out with him and doesn't do anything with us. They play games and cuddle and tha stuff and it makes me feel like she doesn't care about you anymore.
Me = Well how often does he come over without his kids (already knew answer, but wanted to make sure she wasn't over exagerating).
9-d = He came over yesterday and stayed way after we went to bed and I didn't like it because they were noisy laughing and playing in the living room. And when he came over a few days before (Jan 1) he and mom just hung out and stuff and mom didn't spend any time with us.
Me = Have you told mom that you don't like it when Lee is there by himself?
9-d = No
Me = well, I think that you should tell her. It is OK to tell her how your feeling even if you don't think she will like hearing it.
9-d = But it makes me feel like she doesn't love you anymore.
Me = Well I think that your mom still loves me very much, I just think she is confused. I think she is trying to figure out who she want to spend time with. I am trying really hard to figure out how mom and I can be together, but it's a grown-up decision that we have to make together (thanks sisters359).
9-d = Ok...

Topic then went to both 9-d and 8-m telling about the things that they didn't like about Lee. I did not acknowledge or affirm any of their feelings, nor did I encourage them to divulge. I continued to tell them that it is OK for them to tell mom how they feel, and if they do not tell her then she won't know that she should make different decisions.

The kids then asked when they can come back to my place. I told them that it was a school night and that if they came to my place with me, they would have to spend the night. They jumped at the chance.

So, after cub scouts, I took them back to the house (shell was at gym or with OM or wherever) and packed overnight bags for all 3 (18-d said that she really wanted to come too). Sent Shell an text and they are spending the night here tonight.

How does she not understand that her aactions with regards to OM are having an impact on her kids? How does she think that bringing OM into the house so soon after dad left is ok? Is she trying to challenge me, or trying to play a game with me?

Please... someone who has done this to someone else... please help me understand.


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