# Falling OUT of love



## winter20 (Oct 26, 2010)

Been married for about 5 1/2 years and I don't feel the same towards my husband anymore. I know I don't love him like I used to b/c I have been doing things that a person in love would NEVER do (EA/PA) and do not feel any guilt whatsoever.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Do you have built up resentments towards your husband?


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## winter20 (Oct 26, 2010)

Actually Swedish I do. Never in my life would I think I'd be the type to cheat but I guess after years of mistreatment and him not seeing how much he's hurt me even after brining the pain to his attention I succumbed to it...


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

so what is the plan?


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## winter20 (Oct 26, 2010)

I wish I knew Snix. First and foremost I know I need to tell him that I am not happy anymore but I feel like it will only fall on deaf ears. We don't have kids and I don't need him to support me financially (I do ok but am not the type to live off someone).


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

The EA/PA is only serving to highlight all the negatives in your husband and marriage. My advise would be to end the affair, as difficult as that sounds, and put 100% into your marriage. If at this point, your thoughts are to end the marriage, maybe it's the wake-up call your husband needs to begin listening to you. You may feel if he really loves you he would do that on his own, but sometimes we tend to go through the daily grind w/o putting much effort in our marriages.

If in the end, he does not respond, at least you will know you've put forth the effort to honor your vows.


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## winter20 (Oct 26, 2010)

But why shoudl I put 100% in it at this point when he hasn't - EVER!? He's taken advantage of my trust for years and doesn't work towards any of my goals. That is why I think I strayed. I just don't care anymore.


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## Greentea (Aug 28, 2010)

Have you ever thought about divorce?


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

winter20 said:


> But why shoudl I put 100% in it at this point when he hasn't - EVER!? He's taken advantage of my trust for years and doesn't work towards any of my goals. That is why I think I strayed. I just don't care anymore.


In conjunction with my post asking about EA/PA. Do you think you don't care as you hope it is enough for him to make choice of ending the marriage so you do not have to? Just asking as I have had those thoughts. Since my H is a physical person, I figure well, I could care less about sex and if it's that bad for him and he strays..well then that's it. I'm done and it's enough reason to move on with no guilt. But then thinking that gives me more guilt like WOW...how could I go there? Why? and since I did go to that place of thought..does that mean it really is over and I need to grow some nads and press on? 

Hmmm...never ever expected to be in such a sess pool.


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## winter20 (Oct 26, 2010)

GreenTea - yes I have contemplated divorce, even sat down with an attorney and have had some individual sessions with a marriage counselor. 

Emotional - I don't care anymore b/c I have put up with so much BS and he just continues to take advantage of my trust and do things behind my back. Yes I think it would be easier if he were the one to leave but I know I am just not happy anymore. I feel like I've been in a loveless marriage for about 3 years now...


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## Zulu (Apr 16, 2010)

Go read the 5 love languages, will make this so much clearer to you, you cannot stay "in love" for ever, Love is a choice that you make on a daily basis, yu are talking in foreign languages to each other, fix it!!

Stop what ever you have with someone else, you are disrespecting yourself.


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## winter20 (Oct 26, 2010)

Thanks Zulu. I know I am disrespecting myself b/c I always thought I was better than that but I guess I'm weak and also a bit vindictive as my husband has had many EA/PA's


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

winter20 said:


> Thanks Zulu. I know I am disrespecting myself b/c I always thought I was better than that but I guess I'm weak and also a bit vindictive as my husband has had many EA/PA's


What is that saying "A women scorned...." My dad always said it, I don't remember it. My H has a the five love language tapes. Has yet to let me listen to them. He swears by listening to them, it's ALL me, not him. Interesting. No unfaithful, untrusting, or anything like that from him to me. I think it goes back several years of me not caring once we lost our first child and I disrespected him by not caring he didn't want another child and stopped BC pills without him knowing. I've lived with that for 6 years now. He now knows, says glad it happend this way, but for me..doesn't help my lonliness I've felt all along. Wish I had words of wisdom. Guess that's why we are here.


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## Nickj (Aug 30, 2010)

Don't ever take any decision in hurry. Take a break, go for a holiday with him give him a change and give yourself a change to fell for the same which you fell for him before 5 1/2 years. All the best. And please bind your relation with love and care. love is that which one can get rarely so don't go away from your love.


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## winter20 (Oct 26, 2010)

How can you love the same person again when you know you just dont anymore...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Your husband having several EA/PAs is certainly grounds for ending the marriage, especially if he did not show remorse or attempt to rebuild the trust and improve the marriage.

Your comment about him not working on your goals also struck me...do you have goals you have set together, as a couple, or do you both live fairly independently as you had before marriage?


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## winter20 (Oct 26, 2010)

You would think afetr numerous times of telling him that I no longer want him to take advantage of my trust or make me look like a fool by doing things behind my back he'd stop? No he just continues to disrespect me - getting numbers when he goes out, conversing with ladies (via text/phone) as if he's a single man. 

Our goals were to buy a house and start a family - this is what we said from the start. After 2 years, realizing the economy wasnt so great we scaled back a bit decided to look into condo/coops. Things have come to a schreeching halt starting last year. Now I've totally put everything on the back burner after finding out about all this stuff. No wonder he doesn't want a house - how will he support his gambling habit. Sad part is he runs a decent business but has nothing to show for it and I know he has $$ on the side but just gives me his standard paycheck nothing extra. I refuse to have children with a man I can't trust - I can't imagine being pregnant and worrying if he's out cheating or blowing our $$$ away.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're both just going around having affairs willy nilly, why the hell are you married?


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## winter20 (Oct 26, 2010)

Turnera u are right but I only started a few months ago. Yes I probably should have ended the marriage b/f getitng caught up in anything but I really tried and believed he would change. It's only now that I am involved emotionally w/ someone else that I realize I am not in love w my husband anymore. I thought forgiving and giving him a chance was love - 3 years ago it was - now I realize it's just not there anymore.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then do the right thing and end one relationship or the other.


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## winter20 (Oct 26, 2010)

Turnera - plain & simple but good advice. I know it's 100% wrng to carry on w/ more than one person - not fair to either. I wouldn't even do this when I was single and dating. 

Can ask what you would do?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'd just be honest and file for divorce. If you want OM, go for it. But not while you're married. If you want husband, divorce and let him learn how to be a better husband before you take him back.


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## winter20 (Oct 26, 2010)

Thanks Turnera - I think it would be in my best interest to end my marriage. My closest friend (cannot confide in family) and a counselor I haev spoken to have said the same. For crying out loud, I forgave him once! He only got worse...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't believe in forgiving cheaters. I believe in 'letting' them earn forgiveness through awareness, loss of self-entitlement, and humility.


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## winter20 (Oct 26, 2010)

Wish I had that mentality - should have done somthing 3 years ago... 

Thanks aagain for your insight.


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