# Another confused new lonly heart



## geo (Oct 29, 2010)

Hello all, been looking through the posts here and it is amazing how many have such similar situations.
I myself have become recently separated (2wks. today) after a 24yr relationship as well as 22yrs of marriage. She left saying she needed time alone and there is no one else. We did see a counselor earlier this year but looking back he got us to talk about some things but failed to find the big picture items, it was not until she left that I found the 5 languages book, and things hit me like a freight train !! What a horrible circle we have put each other through, I can honestly see where my failures have been. Although I have been totally faithful, never abusive physically or mental, I never saw what she was asking of me as far as an emotional side of things (never intentional) the type of things like she would ask a work type of question and I would give her advice when now i see she wanted more of a validation or encouragement and for me to show I believed in her.
It obviously gets deeper but I am not always good at getting things out on my own so I will try to add more later.
I am wondering she has stated she wants minimal contact, not always easy having our youngest of three at home with me, and having told me she does not love me(tore my heart into pieces) is it better to let her be Ie; not contact or at all ?
I'm not shure how to deal with this ! Any advice or questions are appreciated. w.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Geo - I'm really sorry you are having to go through a separation too..... I'm in a similar position in that I still haven't really figured out what separation actually means in terms of contact and if / when you are supposed to see or phone your spouse. 

I've been separated 2 weeks and we have only spoken on a couple of occasions briefly to talk about necessary, practical stuff. We haven't had any 'chats' or seen each other at all. It's very painful even having to talk to him about the necessary stuff. If your wife is asking for space to think, might be best to put brave face and say that you will respect her wish, for the moment at least and only have contact when really necessary. 

I don't know if that helps, I'm pretty confused myself so I hope i'm giving the right advice....I'm sure you'll get feedback from others on the site too.....


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## geo (Oct 29, 2010)

Thanks for the reply marigold, and good luck.


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## smokey01 (Oct 29, 2010)

Sounds like the same thing I am going through. My wife left 8 1/2 weeks ago. We do talk and laugh whenever I call but we do not talk about us and I do go and see her once a week but I still do not know why she left. She said it is her not me and wanted to be alone. I am trying to give her the time she needs to decide what it is that she wants. I think it is more complicated than I know because she is living with her daughter and 2 grand children. Her daughter's husband left 4 weeks ago. She is my second wife so I think it is something to do with the fact she feels obligated to help them out? Hang in there it does get better. Just knowing that there are other people out there going through the same situation and the comments I have been able to read do help. Don't know how much longer I am going to wait but will give it a little more time. May make my decision this Friday when I go over to see her. I think our biggest problem is that I work days and she works midnights at the same company. We really didn't see much of each other, coupled with the fact she is on 7 day doesn't help. Good luck.


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## geo (Oct 29, 2010)

Well as time continues to pass, I have really learned a lot about what has transpired bringing my marriage to this point. I have actually realized that while I truly love my wife, I would not want to let her come back into my/our home. I really feel that we would have to work some things out more like 2 people dating before we could co-habitate again. Just some thoughts, anyone else have any experience's or similar thoughts !


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## philjohnson (Nov 3, 2010)

It's a familiar story. I have never cried, prayed, journaled and experienced more growth at any time in my life.

This has been the most painful experience ever. But at the same time it is drawing me nearer to God. He is the one I can always count on, regardless of what my wife does.

I have to cling to Him else I will disappear in a cloud of dust...

PJ


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## geo (Oct 29, 2010)

agreed !


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Geo:

I am doing the less contact thing now and I'm done with the Mr. Nice Guy routine. I did all the usual begging, pleading crap. I let her walk all over me. Ever since I stopped that things have improved. I feel there is more hope now for us than before. I wsih I had listened to others and started this sooner. I may have saved several weeks. I decided to let her see me living my life normally without her. I started seeing someone (albeit casually). I stopped letting her drop by the house whenever she wanted. I even gave her s*** for trying to invite the kids to her house without talking to me first. She's been far more respectful since and we even talk about us more.


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

Sometimes you need that time apart to really figure out what you yourself want and or need.... I also read The 5 Love Languages and have seen that the things i need, want out of love I really haven't been getting much of....I haven't gotten to the point where I "don't think I want him back" because I would fight if we could could really get to the bottom of this" I too have been in a marriage where we never fought, we got along super, we talked all the time, did things together (just not sure where we might have gone wrong)


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## geo (Oct 29, 2010)

thanks for the replies,
krinont, totally get the nice guy routine, I have let too many things go over the years. Funny thing is I am a in control type, retired "LEO", foreman carpenter in the younger years. I always tried to leave the job mentality when home and I think I became the doormat. noooo more !
shelly, my wording did not come through right. I "do" want her back, my point was that some things have to be worked out first. I have come to see we have both treated each other like crap for some time.


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## geo (Oct 29, 2010)

update: Well I poked the bear, and as I probably expected she took a defensive stance, but I feel better clearing the air and giving my perspective on events that contributed to this separation. In short totally against my normal persona, I think I became the doormat in an attempt to keep some peace over the years. NoooooMore. Guess I'm in a way moving on, sad but looks inevitable. I gave her back my ring also !


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