# Obsessed with wife cheating long ago



## Persay69 (Nov 12, 2013)

Hi! I'm starting to get obsessed by the idea my wife cheated on me some 5 years ago. For several reasons, I can't discuss/press her about that issue...it was long ago, currently we have a good life, and she is quite "tough" concerning such kind of interrogations ... from a tentative discussion would not result any good...

The story:
5 y. ago we were both in our early thirties. My wife is very very beautiful and sexy, green eyes beautiful face, fit, sexy body, big breasts; she is also intelligent, a professional with her own career and financial independence. Myself, women have always found me appealing, I had quite many girlfriends before we married 7 years ago. I'm also an independent professional with an excellent income and a prospective career.
After we married I have never cheated on my wife (although I have had many opportunities, some of them of the kind "not to miss").

My wife only has had one boyfriend before myself. Not that she says much about her first boyfriend, but the thing I know is that they haven't had any vaginal sex since she was virgin when we had sex together for first time (pretty much time after starting to date and not long before we married). This is not a big surprise, since she have received quite a conservative education by her mother, a very very restrictive one indeed...currently, however, she is quite open and liberal with respect to sex.

Our marriage was in the beginning difficult, mostly because of interfering parents, and financial difficulties...we loved each other but have had quite serious fights and even thinking to divorce. 

5 years ago we have lived far from each other for 9 months, since I left for another country due to a job. She lived these 9 months in the city where we married and where also lives her former boyfriend. After these 9 months she came to live with me and we never came back. When I left before this period of 9 months and left her alone, we were in quite bad period of our marriage: writing angry Emails to each other, or not calling each other for a week or so.
During this time she had both reason to cheat (deteriorating relationship) and opportunity (her job and her former boyfriend's job were nearly at the same place; I know (not any secret), for instance, that they have had lunches together many times, alone or with other colleagues).

Former boyfriend is 10 years older than both of us, but kind of "Don Juan", appealing to women, and I'm sure that he would not have missed opportunity to compensate for (not entirely) consummated relationship when he was dating her (I can imagine he has been quite badly surprised during that time such an experienced guy and big lover not managing to bring the things to the end with such an attractive girl).

Anyway, when, at the end of those 9 months my wife and me reunited again our relationship immediately improved (there were no disturbing factors as interfering parents and financial problems) and continues happy till these days. We have a baby daughter together and rely on each other and love each other.

One thing that surprised me very much the first night after those 9 months of separation was a big change in the sexual behavior of my wife. During the first 2 years before the period I'm referring to, we had intense and relatively good sex life, but still she seldom was reaching orgasms. 
The night after the period of 9 months (during which I suspect she cheated with her former boyfriend) she had 3 explosive orgasms... and in the weeks and months after that she have had a very strong sexual drive, she also became open to new things in bed, has been achieving orgasm every time we have had sex, even multiple orgasms even crying after orgasm ... whatever you can imagine. It was a phase transition, from enjoying sex but being conservative and quite passive ... to a sex machine .... Currently, we still enjoy very intense sex, obviously not so explosive.

My point is, that such a change is usually associated by sexologists/psicologists with cheating/getting disinhibited/gaining new experiences when cheating ... or feeling guilty (crying after orgasm, never happened to her before that period nor after it). Ladies, what do you think about that???? Men could possibly be of less help on this point B) 
My delicate tries to understand what the reason for this brutal transition ended up with some semi-angry short comments "because I missed you terribly" ... may be ... or may be not ...

Her former boyfriend is currently married with 2 children ... he regularly sends my wife Emails for her birthday and for Christmas ... These Emails are short and nearly formal, except the familiar pet name he calls her ... and except some short comments which can be interpreted one way or another depending what you know and believe, but to me they are not totally innocent (hint to possibly some well kept secret between them and not one related to their unfruitful try-relationship from the time before I met my wife) ... Emails which don't even send kisses but still ... 

Where do I know about the Emails? OK, I started to become a spy maniac - after a considerable effort I cracked my wife's passwords and can access her Email, too bad ... for the time being I don't abuse B) ... much .... 

In addition, there have been occasionally some comments by my wife, very ambiguous ones, that could possibly mean something like "besides you are handsome and sometimes hot, and also a good friend and a good companion there are men who are more men :woohoo: "....I don't know in what sense -- Possibly, better lovers, but more probably she means something like more authoritative, powerful, commanding ... not particularly myself ... and it's known that some women, possibly many of them value such features although its not much politically correct to admit it.
Anyway, I am getting more and more obsessed with this old story of possible cheating ... because I have been loyal during all these years and because I love her.
Getting obsessed to the point that I took some old hard drives out of old computers of ours to search for clues of that period. 

And to the point to half consider to have an affair with a beautiful colleague of mine (very eager, by the way).... 
Or to the point to produce some fake letter to my wife and observe her reaction...
I have many ideas  That's the obsession ...

Sorry for the long story....
I'd appreciate any opinions/tips/comparisons/criticisms.....by both sexes.
Thanks!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

If women still hit on you that is a good thing.
DON'T CHEAT.
Set up a keylogger if you can on her computer.
Tell her you want a timeline of the affair then you will stop asking.

What the heck if it was the other way around would she put up with you with this attitude?
I doubt it.

Does she want you to be more dominant in the bedroom then go for it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

he has to go no contact with the "Don Juan" also him calling her pet names uh big no no.

Is he still married contact his wife print out the emails and show her.
DO NOT tell your wife you are going to do this just do it.

To rule out any hanky panky put a voice activated recorder in her car-VAR-hopefully nothing comes up.

You should have all her passwords and she yours what's up with that?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you were to really wanna deal with this---you should have done it long ago---yes you have every right to broach the subject---but what will you gain---short of her taking a POLY---you really cannot prove anything, nor force her to admit anything-----let sleeping dogs lie--------BUT

She does need to go NC with her X---there is absolutely no reason whatsoever for them to have contact---at any time, about anything---this you need to be firm about-------he is a smoldering ember, or a recessive cancer, just lying there waiting-------delete him---and do not take no for answer on this matter, when you bring it up to your wife


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Couples counselling ASAP.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Persay69 said:


> And to the point to half consider to have an affair with a beautiful colleague of mine (very eager, by the way)....
> Or to the point to produce some fake letter to my wife and observe her reaction...
> I have many ideas  That's the obsession ...
> 
> ...


Unfortunately, you are not able to question your wife or speak your mind for fear of her getting mad at you.

It probably would not be a good idea and would be fruitless anyway.

You are going off the rails here. You must have a very strong gut feeling, because you certainly don't describe a lot of evidence.

Except that if I get your drift, your wife doesn't even let on that she communicates with this guy, and you only found out by snooping.

Why ruin a good thing, and wind up right back where you started? Find some better evidence before you confront. Keep your eyes open, don't let on you suspect anything, and perhaps you will find something to give you a better idea of the truth one way or the other.

I am disturbed a little that you and your wife don't share passwords, that she hides communications from you, and that you are afraid to talk to her about how you feel.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Women often do not orgasm until they get a little older. I would guess she taught herself since you were gone. She no doubt researched things on the internet too. Not to mention how many magazine articles are out there.

I don't like him still contacting her but if anything was going on, he would be contacting her more often than you see now. He probably is keeping contact in case something happens to your relationship in the future. Something like your obsession. Get yourself some counseling. It sounds like you have a great marriage, don't blow it.

I think if something was going on back then, the last thing she would do would be telling you they were meeting for lunch. Also, why would she come to you after nine months if she had a thing going on back home.

Do not let paranoia get the best of you when you have nothing to go on.

Did you find anything on the old hard drives?


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## CouldItBeSo (Mar 11, 2013)

I noticed you mentioned you only suspect she cheated which contradicts with the thread's title. Which one is it?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

By the way, one time after sex, my wife said gasping, " where did you learn that?"

I never told her but it was on the internet, I think she ws afraid to ask again.

Its not uncommon for women to occasionally cry during or after sex. All I've ever heard is they don't know why. Ladies?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Idea. Why don't you ask her if she still keeps in contact with this guy? Say it in a innocent way like your not prying and she's either going to tell you yes, or no. If she says no there isn't any contact with him then ask why her phone has a password and anything else. If she gives you a hard time about it then you know she's hiding something but until then, all your doing is grasping at straws. 

If it continues, then hire a PI and have her followed. Either that or go crazy and by the sounds of your thread, your getting close.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Looks like you've become compulsive and somewhat irrational if your only evidence is that you now have a great sex life and wife. Granted, the twice a year smarmy notes from the old bf are irritating.

There's nothing wrong with expressing your discontent over his too-familiar greetings. How does she acknowlege his notes? Does she respond with a hand written note? Email? Text?

If he writes the notes you can tell her you'd rather they be returned. If it's email block his contact.

Are you sure you're not trying to justify cheating for the sake of "revenge"?


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## CouldItBeSo (Mar 11, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Looks like you've become compulsive and somewhat irrational if your only evidence is that you now have a great sex life and wife. Granted, the twice a year smarmy notes from the old bf are irritating.
> 
> There's nothing wrong with expressing your discontent over his too-familiar greetings. How does she acknowlege his notes? Does she respond with a hand written note? Email? Text?
> 
> ...


What is he going to "revenge"?

If you read the OP, he only has an *idea *or *suspect *his wife cheated five years ago. I read that as he has no actual evidence of any cheating.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I will ask, did your wife actually cheat or do you just suspect?

Either way you did not confront this then and it is rugsweeping. Because she is still in contact with the OM via emails it is triggering you.

Until he is out of your wife's life completely you will never have peace.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

The fact that she is still in contact with him and she has not told you is a concern.
If you suspect something now buy a VAR and stick it in her car.

If things are going well now forget it...BUT

You have to approach her about the contact with him.


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