# My parents....



## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Friday, July 5th, is my parent’s 42nd anniversary. Just to give you some information about them, they have 4 children, including me. I’m 28, and my brothers are 39, 37, and 26. Last year, my oldest brother bought the house right next door to my parents. Up until this point, he was living with my parents. My other two brothers are still currently living with my parents. My youngest brother was diagnosed with autism as a child. Although he’s high functioning, he’s not really able to live on his own at this point. My other two brothers, however, have no disabilities. They both have bachelor’s degrees, they have jobs, but they’ve never been married, no children, and they’ve never moved out of my parent’s house (until last year when my oldest brother moved next door to them). My oldest brother has a decent job and had been talking about wanting to move out for the last several years but it seemed like every time he would show interest in a house to buy, my parents would have something negative to say about it. And my brother is the type of person that won’t do something if he thinks my parents don’t approve. Recently, my parent’s next door neighbor passed away and his house went up for sale. Although this house is old and needed quite a bit of work, my parents approved of the house, so my brother bought it. I honestly think they would have approved no matter what shape the house was in, just for the simple fact that it was right next door to them. 

They seem to have a real issue with their kids moving away. When I was 18, I moved two states away to be with my now husband. They had a total meltdown and tried to do everything in their power to get me to stay. In contrast to my brothers, I’ve always been much more independent, so the fact that they didn’t approve of me moving didn’t change my mind. We ended up moving back to my hometown about a year after we got married. I didn’t really care either way but my husband likes the area here and wanted me to be closer to my family. We live a couple miles down the road from them now, and we have a 4 year old son and 1 year old twin boys. 

As for my middle brother (37 yr old) he has a bachelor’s degree in accounting but he doesn’t use his degree. For the past 10 years, he’s been working part time at my dad’s restaurant. My mom has expressed to me in the past that it annoys her that he isn’t using his degree or working toward any goals, but yet she doesn’t do anything about it. They’ve never made any of my brothers pay rent or any bills. I suggested to her that if she would start charging rent, he would have less money to blow, which could be enough of an incentive for him to get a better job. My mom told me that she and my middle brother were having a conversation one time about one of my cousins who still lives at home with his mom. My mom commented that my cousin’s mom probably charges him $200 a month in rent and my brother said something to the effect of “do you think she charges him that much? If that were me, I’d just move out and live somewhere else.” I don’t know where he thinks he would be able to find somewhere to rent for less than $200 a month, but anyway, I feel like maybe that’s why they don’t charge him rent. I feel like they don’t really want any of their kids to leave. 
Even though my husband and I live just a couple miles away, my dad still makes comments about wishing we lived on the same road as them. Personally, I think we’re close enough, and I like having a little bit of distance. 

Recently, it seems that my parents have been bickering a lot. My mom was telling me the other day that she feels like they don’t have anything in common anymore and was complaining that my dad just wants to sit in front of a TV all day and never wants to do anything. When I was growing up, I don’t ever remember them going on date nights or doing much of anything together. It was like their main focus was on working, making money and taking care of their kids. I feel like they got so busy with everything else, they kind of neglected their marriage. I feel like maybe that’s why they don’t want their kids to leave them. Because then it will be just the two of them, and I think that would be scary for them. 

They have never been to a marriage counselor as far as I know, and they probably never will. They are just not the type of people to start talking about their feelings to a stranger. Half the time, I don’t think they even tell each other how they really feel. My mom acts like it’s too late to change anything now, but I don’t think it is. My husband and I were thinking of getting them a gift card to their favorite restaurant and telling them to go out to dinner for their anniversary. I feel like if you don’t spend enough time with someone, of course you’re going to start drifting apart. Does anyone have any advice that I could give to my mom to improve things? Or any good books that I could recommend to her?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I always think its sad when parents refuse to let their children go, and also when children well into adulthood refuse to be independent. No wonder they aren't married, what woman in her right mind would be interested a man who is still with their parents in their late 30's!!!
I think that your brothers need to grow up and move out asap. Maybe then your parents will make that effort to work on their marriage.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

I don't think theres anything you can do unfortunately. Two people in a relationship, if one of them checks out the other person can't do much to fix things. They both have to want to. 

If both people are checked out of the marriage, someone else trying to fix it would be a waste of their time tbh. 

This is just a sad reality too too many marriages face. Lots of empty nest divorces out there. Couples who failed to nurture their marriage while raising children. 

I'm not saying give up. You might talk to your dad, see how he feels. But I would not get your hopes up.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Thanks for the replies. My dad made a comment to me a few months back that it seems like all him and my mom do anymore is argue. Other than that, he hasn’t really said much. It’s mostly my mom that seems to be unhappy. She told me that she was looking up divorce rates online the other day. I asked her why she was looking that up and she said she was on there looking at something else and then somehow she ended up looking up stuff about divorce. When I moved away at 18 to be with my husband, she tried to talk me out of it, saying that she regretted getting married young and that I will too. It seems as though she was trying to live out her life through me. I’ve asked her before why she’s always talking about divorce but she claims she isn’t going to actually divorce my dad. She seems to be toying with the idea of it a lot though. In the end, I know it’s not something I can control, but I really hope they can eventually sort through their issues. If my brothers moved out and they were all alone, they would have two choices. They would pretty much be forced to either face their issues and work them out, or they could just give up and go their separate ways. Unfortunately, I just don’t see my brothers leaving anytime soon. My mom has said before that she thinks my middle brother is just waiting for something to happen to them so that he can inherit their house. I don’t know why she won’t talk with him directly and ask HIM what he’s doing and what his plans are. Maybe they’re afraid they’ll make him mad and then he will leave. It’s like no one wants to talk about the elephant in the room so they just pretend that it doesn’t exist. 

Going off the subject a little bit, what’s your guy’s opinion on my parents wanting my husband and I to eventually live on the same road as them? They’ve got some property behind their house and they’ve said they would let us have the land for free and we could build a house on it. My husband acts like he wouldn’t mind but I really don’t think it’s a good idea. They just seem a little too eager. Their reasoning is “if you lived over here, the grandkids could just walk over here anytime they wanted to visit”. But we only live literally 2 miles down the road as it is, so its not a big deal to put the kids in the car and drive down the road to see them. I like where we are because we are close enough to them that it’s convenient for them to babysit, but we still have some distance and some privacy. When my oldest brother moved next door to them, they cleared out all of the trees around the house and I don’t know if that was his idea or theirs, but there’s pretty much no privacy anymore. They can look out their door and have a clear view of his house. I don’t think I would like that. I feel like in general, the majority of people wouldn’t want to be with neighbors with their parents/in-laws. But especially considering how my parents are, it makes me even more resistant to the idea.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I won't speak to the issue of kids living close to their parents; my wife and I have been married 40 years this coming August, and our 26 & 31 year old kids still live with us, due to the cost of living where we are. 

But the situation with your mom & dad isn't going to change until there's some sort of crisis that shakes one of them up and the possibility of a divorce becomes quite real. But it takes something pretty huge to do that. I'm am actually so very thankful that did happen for us, 4 months ago, because we're in a much better place now than before. About 8 months ago I really felt like I'd had it, was looking up divorce stuff in fact, but there was nothing that could move the needle far enough for my wife to comprehend that things had become that bad and had to change.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

They need hobbies and I think counselling might help them.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Put it this way, one of the few things that would make me look up divorce stuff is if my wife wanted to live next door to her parents.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No to building a house on their property. You're close enough.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> I always think its sad when parents refuse to let their children go, and also when children well into adulthood refuse to be independent. No wonder they aren't married, what woman in her right mind would be interested a man who is still with their parents in their late 30's!!!
> 
> I think that your brothers need to grow up and move out asap. Maybe then your parents will make that effort to work on their marriage.


Me too. If my adult kids failed to launch, and moving next door at 39 years old when you finally leave home is failing to launch, I'd feel sad for them. It's like they're stunted or something. Nothing attractive about adults living with their parents (who have never left home I mean).

And heck no re building behind your parents. Are you insane? Lol. Stay put. Suggest that they sell that land, gift you the money (money/land - whats the difference) and you will demolish and build your dream home on the block you're on now. Watch them come up with a list of excuses why not.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

september_sky said:


> As for my middle brother (37 yr old) he has a bachelor’s degree in accounting but he doesn’t use his degree. For the past 10 years, he’s been working part time at my dad’s restaurant.


I'll just comment on this part. If you love your brother, then someone needs to have a serious talk with him about this. 

37 years old, and only working part-time for the last 10 years? You would expect that if a child is mentally or physically handicapped in some way, not an able bodied adult. What is the future in that? How will he save enough for retirement? How will he ever have a family of his own? If his plan is to bide his time until your parents fully retire or pass away, and he takes over the restaurant, then that's a stupid plan. He could be very old by the time that happens, and in the case of your parent's deaths, the restaurant would probably be split among the siblings, and he would have to buy out their shares before he would be the owner, and it sounds like he has no savings to do this. 

And where do you live? Here in the Wash DC beltway people with accounting degrees are in high demand, and can find well paying jobs very quickly. But the longer he works part time in a restaurant, the harder that becomes because it looks like a big black hole on a resume.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Theseus said:


> september_sky said:
> 
> 
> > As for my middle brother (37 yr old) he has a bachelor’s degree in accounting but he doesn’t use his degree. For the past 10 years, he’s been working part time at my dad’s restaurant.
> ...


We live in NC. He could definitely be making good money here as an accountant. However, since it’s been so long since he’s graduated college, he might have a tough time finding an accounting job at this point. Not to mention, it would probably look pretty odd to most employers that he has had an accounting degree for a decade and hasn’t ever had a job in the field. I definitely think he’s in this situation because he chooses to be. A few years ago, my mom had some connections with someone that could get him a job. It wasn’t an accounting job but it would have been much better than what he’s doing now. She told him he should go put in an application but he never did. My mom got really annoyed by this but she never did confront him about it. I remember her telling me something like “I don’t ask a lot from him. You’d think he could do just one thing to make me happy.” Which, IMO, was an odd thing to say. Because she shouldn’t want him to get a better job for HER, she should want him to do it because it’s beneficial for HIM and his future. I rarely talk to my older brothers to be honest. And when we do talk, it’s just a few words here and there. I don’t know how I would begin to have an actual meaningful conversation with one of them. They seem to value my parent’s opinion more than anyone else’s. I’ve told my mom before that if it she’s bothered by the fact that my 37 yr old brother seems to have no future goals (as she should be) then she should talk to him about it. But it’s like even though she’s bothered, she still won’t bring it up to him. She will just complain about him to everyone else. She acts like it’s too late for him so she’s just given up. But like I said, I think one of the main reasons is that they don’t really want for any of their kids to leave.... so they don’t want to say/do anything to make their kids mad, especially with my middle brother making threatening comments that if his parents ever started charging him rent, he would just move out.


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## hptessla (Jun 4, 2019)

september_sky said:


> We live in NC. He could definitely be making good money here as an accountant. However, since it’s been so long since he’s graduated college, he might have a tough time finding an accounting job at this point. Not to mention, it would probably look pretty odd to most employers that he has had an accounting degree for a decade and hasn’t ever had a job in the field. I definitely think he’s in this situation because he chooses to be. A few years ago, my mom had some connections with someone that could get him a job. It wasn’t an accounting job but it would have been much better than what he’s doing now. She told him he should go put in an application but he never did. My mom got really annoyed by this but she never did confront him about it. I remember her telling me something like “I don’t ask a lot from him. You’d think he could do just one thing to make me happy.” Which, IMO, was an odd thing to say. Because she shouldn’t want him to get a better job for HER, she should want him to do it because it’s beneficial for HIM and his future. I rarely talk to my older brothers to be honest. And when we do talk, it’s just a few words here and there. I don’t know how I would begin to have an actual meaningful conversation with one of them. They seem to value my parent’s opinion more than anyone else’s. I’ve told my mom before that if it she’s bothered by the fact that my 37 yr old brother seems to have no future goals (as she should be) then she should talk to him about it. But it’s like even though she’s bothered, she still won’t bring it up to him. She will just complain about him to everyone else. She acts like it’s too late for him so she’s just given up. But like I said, I think one of the main reasons is that they don’t really want for any of their kids to leave.... so they don’t want to say/do anything to make their kids mad, especially with my middle brother making threatening comments that if his parents ever started charging him rent, he would just move out.


I'm sure you love your parents, at the same time it seems like you have a realistic perspective on them and your brothers. My most definite piece of advice would be do not move next door to them.

You say that you had moved away but that you moved back, though you didn't really care, because your husband thought you would like living closer to your family. Why did he think that? Had you expressed a desire to live nearby? What does your husband think of the overall situation - parents/brothers/you&him all living a stone's throw away from one another and your brothers not working at professional jobs they have the background for? Do your parent's still run the restaurant or do your brothers really run it?

It seems really weird...almost controlling/manipulative the way your mother reacts. On one hand she clearly did not want the brother that bought the neighbor's house to move out (only acceptable house was next door??), nor does she seem to want any of them to pursue careers since she lets them live at home and work at the restaurant. I feel sorry for your brothers because they seem caught in the middle of this situation...sure as adults it seems they ought to say goodbye and move out. But, they grew up in this strange orbit of your mother's so they're conditioned to stay there.
Your father seems like he resigned himself to things a long time ago and is content to sit and watch TV since there's no other workable option in his opinion.

It's an interesting post.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

hptessla said:


> september_sky said:
> 
> 
> > We live in NC. He could definitely be making good money here as an accountant. However, since it’s been so long since he’s graduated college, he might have a tough time finding an accounting job at this point. Not to mention, it would probably look pretty odd to most employers that he has had an accounting degree for a decade and hasn’t ever had a job in the field. I definitely think he’s in this situation because he chooses to be. A few years ago, my mom had some connections with someone that could get him a job. It wasn’t an accounting job but it would have been much better than what he’s doing now. She told him he should go put in an application but he never did. My mom got really annoyed by this but she never did confront him about it. I remember her telling me something like “I don’t ask a lot from him. You’d think he could do just one thing to make me happy.” Which, IMO, was an odd thing to say. Because she shouldn’t want him to get a better job for HER, she should want him to do it because it’s beneficial for HIM and his future. I rarely talk to my older brothers to be honest. And when we do talk, it’s just a few words here and there. I don’t know how I would begin to have an actual meaningful conversation with one of them. They seem to value my parent’s opinion more than anyone else’s. I’ve told my mom before that if it she’s bothered by the fact that my 37 yr old brother seems to have no future goals (as she should be) then she should talk to him about it. But it’s like even though she’s bothered, she still won’t bring it up to him. She will just complain about him to everyone else. She acts like it’s too late for him so she’s just given up. But like I said, I think one of the main reasons is that they don’t really want for any of their kids to leave.... so they don’t want to say/do anything to make their kids mad, especially with my middle brother making threatening comments that if his parents ever started charging him rent, he would just move out.
> ...


Thanks for such an insightful post. I agree with pretty much everything you have said. 

I think seeing how my parents reacted to me moving away played a big part in why my husband decided to move back to my hometown. The day I moved, my mom was literally crying all day. She told me she felt like she was “losing me”. They acted like their life was over, basically. I knew they wouldn’t like me leaving but honestly, I didn’t expect them to react as dramatically as they did. After all, I was an adult, and my husband (then boyfriend) was a good guy who treated me good, and I was doing what I thought would make me happy. I didn’t see anything so horribly wrong with that. 

Nonetheless, I was affected by their reaction, especially at first. I’m pretty sure I cried in the car after we left. And then I talked to my dad on the phone once we were almost there, and I remember him telling me that my mom was still upset and hadn’t stopped crying. But to be honest, if they hadn’t reacted in the way that they did, I don’t think I would have cried. I honestly was not happy living with them. I felt like a prisoner, and I was relieved to finally be getting some freedom. I didn’t cry because I didn’t want to leave; I cried because they made me feel guilty. Like I was betraying them or something by moving away. So I think that was the main reason why my husband wanted to move back, along with the fact that he likes the area better here. 


As far as the way things are now, he seems to be fine with living 2 miles away from my parents. He’s the one who said he wouldn’t have a problem with building a house behind them. I think because he hasn’t known my parents as long as I have, he doesn’t totally get them and how they can be. I expressed my concerns to him about living behind them and he later said that he agrees and that I’m probably right. Even though we’re 2 miles away, they still make comments about things when they come over. Recently, my husband had cleared out some woods by our house and as a result of that, he left a pile of branches in the yard next to our son’s swing set. He was planning to get rid of the branches when he got around to it but with the hours that he works, along with having a 4 year old and 1 year old twins, he doesn’t get much free time. My mom, on several occasions, brought up the fact that my husband needs to get the branches up because there could be a snake hiding in them and she’s absolutely terrified of our 4 yr old getting snake bitten. My husband admitted that he was perturbed by this. I told him this is why I’m hesitant to live behind their house. I feel like if we were literally right next door, they’d have more opportunities to nag about things like this. 

My parents do still run the restaurant. My brother just helps them. My mom has said before that maybe he thinks he will be given the restaurant after they retire, and maybe that’s what he’s depending on. But, no one really knows because they aren’t willing to have a discussion with him about what his future plans are, so all they can do is speculate.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I have to say this is the first time I've heard a family complain or question that one of the kids works in the family business.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Are they paying him for time at the restaurant?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

For the love of God DO NOT move behind them! Remember the show Everybody Loves Raymond???


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Multiple generations family issues are among the tough challenges one deals with in this life.

If I was the father, I'd be thinking about who's continuing on the family name? Will his generation be the last?

I wouldn't move so close, but only you know what may be best for you and family. 

Good luck.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

My brother does get paid for working at the restaurant. It’s just a small, fast food type restaurant with an outside picnic area. And my brother doesn’t actually work inside of the restaurant, he just does the prep work in the back. Like, taking the hams out of the oven, grinding the hamburger meat, etc. So, he doesn’t really have a set schedule. He just kind of comes and goes as he needs to. He only works part time. I would say 20 hours a week or less. And I believe he gets paid just a little bit above minimum wage. If my brother had a better job, like if he was actually using his degree, I don’t think they would mind if he was working at the restaurant on the side in his spare time. They’re just disappointed that they paid for his college and now he had a bachelors degree in accounting but he’s not putting it to use. Most of the people who work at my dad’s restaurant are teenagers. It’s not really the type of place that most people want to make a career out of, considering the fact that it is a minimum wage job. I don’t blame them for feeling the way they do, I just wish they would communicate this to him.

I’ve always been hesitant about the idea of moving any closer to them than we already are, and after reading the responses here, I think I’ve decided it’s a no. I’ve always had the feeling that they never really wanted me or my brothers to leave them, and when my oldest brother bought that house right next door to them last year, that kind of confirmed it for me.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

september_sky said:


> I’m 28, and my brothers are 39, 37, and 26. Last year, my oldest brother bought the house right next door to my parents. Up until this point, he was living with my parents. My other two brothers are still currently living with my parents. My youngest brother was diagnosed with autism as a child. Although he’s high functioning, he’s not really able to live on his own at this point. My other two brothers, however, have no disabilities. They both have bachelor’s degrees, they have jobs, but they’ve never been married, no children, and they’ve never moved out of my parent’s house (until last year when my oldest brother moved next door to them).


Wow, your family really puts the "fun" in dysFUNction. Lordy.

I'm sorry you're dealing with such horrific co-dependency (I'm not even sure that's what's wrong with everyone - it's way above my paygrade).

There is no way on God's green EARTH you should move anywhere *near* that complete **** show your family is putting on.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

My dad always said live a tank full of gas from the in laws, eventually, he became one.


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## hptessla (Jun 4, 2019)

I would just say in regards to situations like the branches that you should, from the start, simply and straightforwardly tell your mother that the branches are not her concern. Then, if possible key in on something that you are not comfortable with in her house/yard and simply ask nonchalantly if they have corrected or are concerned about 'X'.

She is beginning her games with you and your husband. Either do not react (if you do not want to engage in gameswomanship) or immediately turn it around and put her on the defensive. Make sure you get your husband on the same page too. Clearly your mother needs boundaries and you need to set them. It's very hard but in the end you and likely she will be happy it was done. Clear boundaries help lessen stress for everyone because they cut out so much of the undercurrent in a relationship. Stress from outside sources so close to the immediate family (i.e., you/husband/child) will do nothing to make your marriage easier.


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