# You did it for the other woman, but not me?



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

So I was thinking about the thread 'You did it for the other men, but not me?' and how would I feel and it struck me that I have had a reverse situation and it caused a lot of issues so I'm wandering what's your take on this:

I met my ex on a dating site. We clicked immediately but 300 miles apart. Within a month exchanged tons of messages and explicit pictures. She drove to me, had sex all night, she drove back home. Messaging and pictures continued. I can't take it anymore so I pack everything and move to her town to find a place to rent.

The move was so fast that I shocked everyone who knew me. I was known as a calm, reserved and a cautious guy. 

So, there I was with her and real her was very different from fantasy that I had in my head. It was over after a few months and I returned home.

6 months later I met my wife. We started dating and I've told her about my ex naturally. I have quite a few female friends in my life and they were very impressed that I did (in their view) this grand romantic gesture like you see in romantic comedies where the titular guy in the end does something reckless to demonstrate how much he cares. 

My wife agrees with them and that bothers her a lot. There is no grand gesture for her. We just dated like everyone else.

At first she was convinced that she is a rebound girl. Then she believed that I still loved ex on basis that I can't get over her this fast when I did what I did. Then she was convinced that I would have never done this if she lived 300 miles away and so on and on...

7 years later the ex doesn't come up in our conversations anymore but the issue was never really resolved. It kind of just calmed on it's own and I'm not sure if it's really dead even today.

What should I have done?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Where's the "sex in marriage" question?

C


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

PBear said:


> Where's the "sex in marriage" question?
> 
> C


 yes, other than the fact this is the "sex" thread I was kind of expecting that the thread was started by a woman and that she was complaining that her husband would not change the oil in her car like he did for his ex...


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

And that reminds me of the comment one TAM-er had about how she wished her husband would spend as much time on her "lawn" as he did on the one in front of the house...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I never really thought about what he did sexually for women in his past in relation to whether or not he does it for me. I'm a different person than those ladies and what they needed in order to be satisfied is not what I need. I'd expect there to be some differences and variation on actions. The only thing that matters is we have a fulfilling sex life that is mutually satisfying. It doesn't matter what he did for some other person.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Would you have done something like this for your wife? Was there an opportunity for some grand gesture but you chose not to do it?


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Thor said:


> Would you have done something like this for your wife? Was there an opportunity for some grand gesture but you chose not to do it?


Difficult to answer both questions actually. 

I have been burned by the whole ordeal with my ex that I wowed not to have long distance relationships anymore.

Opportunities? I don't know. We never legalized our marriage so I never did proposals, rings or ceremonies that come with getting married but she was clear that she doesn't want any of that and that is perfectly fine with me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Are you sure that's what she really wanted? Sometimes what people say and what they truly want are two different things. Unfortunately.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'm not really sure what her issue is... 

Did she want you to move for her? 

The fact is, it was different. This woman DID live 300 miles away from you. Personally, I would find it odd any man would move so soon after hardly knowing someone that far away, uprooting his entire life. I would think of that as a very strange thing to do it and it may turn me off. Not saying this if your wife, just how I would view it. There is romantic and there is is totally crazy. I did date a gu7y who told me he had moved counries for a girl he dated long idstance and hardly knew her. i found that really fcking strange.

With that said, this isn't my thread.

I would just tel your wife that the circumstances were totally different. Your wife is not a rebound if you are married to her and have been with her so long now,.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

TheStranger said:


> At first she was convinced that she is a rebound girl. Then she believed that I still loved ex on basis that I can't get over her this fast when I did what I did. *Then she was convinced that I would have never done this if she lived 300 miles away and so on and on...*


Ok it sounds like this is an insecurity issue that she needs to deal with on her own it seems. Seems she doesn't think she's good enough for whatever reason.

Did you dump your ex for her or something? Start dating her soon after?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I would just tel your wife that the circumstances were totally different. Your wife is not a rebound if you are married to her and have been with her so long now,.


I agree. It's kind of odd if this is on her mind after so long. Rebounds are usually over quickly.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

My wife and I have sort of a case in point that we have worked through, but she was pretty shaken by it for a while.

Early on, when we were first getting to know each other, we talked a lot about sex. Among the many things we talked about, the subject of toys was touched on. She had one small vib, and only used it occasionally when she needed release and her partner was not available. She had never used it with a partner. I let her know that I was not big into using toys at all.

A year and a half into our relationship, we had used her vib together exactly once, and we were both fine with that as I honestly don't really enjoy using toys.

Well, she decided to be a Pure Romance consultant, selling sex toys. There were several of the toys and lotions that she wanted to try together. She took notice of the fact that I knew about most of the items in the catalog and so I figured it was about time to let her know some things about my past...I gave her plenty of opportunity to NOT go there, but she wanted to know, said nothing I could tell her would make her feel uncomfortable.

My ex-wife's best friend, a woman I have know since high school and is married to my best friend was also a Pure Romance consultant, and to make a long story short, my ex-wife and I were kind of test subjects for her, and we had used pretty much the entire arsenal together.

It hit my wife pretty hard that I had used all of those things, and had done all of those things with my ex-wife but had no real desire to explore that with her. It was at least a small part of the reason why she decided to stop being a consultant.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

TheStranger said:


> What should I have done?


You should have done NOTHING

DO NOT share your previous relationship details, they have absolutely no place or matter on your current relationship.

This applies even MORE to women than men.

As you have learned, it does NOTHING but harm your marriage/relationship (naturally, as it should).

You sabotaged yourself there buddy, live and learn.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

its not too late. take her on a hot air balloon ride and re-propose to her in the air


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I still get stuck on the "for" thing rather than the "with" thing. Do people really think of sex as an act of service? Yuck. Talk about unattractive.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

So your SO has an issue with the fact that you never did something grand like move 300 miles to be with her like you did for your ex. But you could remind your SO that you also never moved 300 miles AWAY from her after living with her for a few months like you did for your ex! Isn't that the truly grand part?!


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

What did I do with the other women I don't do for my wife? Practice getting good at it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

DoF said:


> You should have done NOTHING
> 
> *DO NOT share your previous relationship details, they have absolutely no place or matter on your current relationship.*
> 
> ...


Well that's just absurd. You cant NOT share things in a relationship, especially something as BIG as moving the way he did. I see no point in being involved with a man who will not share his past with me. I would think he was hiding really bad sh!t and would never be able to trust him. :scratchhead:

Sam gave a really good example. That is the kind of thing that came to my mind when I was reading the other thread.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Personally, I would find it odd any man would move so soon after hardly knowing someone that far away, uprooting his entire life. I would think of that as a very strange thing to do it and it may turn me off.


Why? What would you do? 

In my mind it was the only possible thing to do other than break up. I can't stand long distance, the yearning, the frustration. I felt more alone than ever before in my life. I need to touch and to be touched.

Now speaking from a distance of several years it was the best decision of my life. Long distance relationship could have lasted many months just waiting for the next trip. The end result would be the same eventually and I would have never asked my current wife on a date...



Jellybeans said:


> Seems she doesn't think she's good enough for whatever reason.


Yeah, isn't that the core issue of the thread 'you did it for the other men...'?



DoF said:


> DO NOT share your previous relationship details, they have absolutely no place or matter on your current relationship.


This was impossible. Absolutely everyone knew. Keeping secrets is really not my forté.


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