# I feel alone



## 2Little2L8 (Jun 3, 2012)

Well, here I am. I don't know where to start. Most people will say the beginning but I don't even know where that is. 
I met my now husband on the internet. We became quick friends talking about everything from the weather to flying (something we both enjoy) and different things that made the cities where we lived unique. 
We visited back and forth - mostly me going to see him for the simple fact he was divorced with custody of his kids. We hit it off really well. When I would fly in we'd meet and go do something with the kids or if it was the ex's night to have them we'd go to the movies or dinner or just something fun. Our favorite thing seemed to be just walking around walmart. 
Finally we talked about my moving there and to be honest it was appealing for more than just being closer to him but also because the weather where he was didn't include snow. I was tired of the snow.
I moved and eventually we became exclusive. He still lived on his own and I was on my own too. We hadn't talked much about living together at that point in our relationship esp with teenage kids we just didn't feel it right.
I came over one day (had my own key) and was setting up a few things for his birthday (cake, a few balloons, gifts) and wanted to listen to music so I opened his music folder and turned up the speakers. I searched for songs I liked and ran across a folder of porn. He tried to suggest it was his son that did this. I knew otherwise as his son would rather be outside with his friends or playing video games on the game console than to be on the computer. He confessed that this was his. We began to work thru this and move on. 
I eventually found other things like emails from a co-worker with pictures of herself, etc. Suggestive emails, not just general emails. When I confronted him and asked if something was going on I got a basic no. He emailed her and told her to stop the contact. Unfortunately this same person has continued to haunt our marriage and I just recently found that he's been continuing his conversations with her by phone and by internet during the whole time we've been married. As far as I know they've never had sex unless that's a lie too. All of the things he should have/could have shared with me were all shared with her. I don't know what it is that I've done or haven't done to cause him to turn to her. Our sex life (when we have it) is great. I'd LOVE to be with him 3 or 4 times a day plus but I'm the one with the drive even though he is all touchy feely until he has an orgasm and then things slow down for a few days and then start back up again.
I found a very suggestive email address filled with porn (he was sitting with me when he deleted the email address). He only emailed with her apparently. He also had a facebook account and she was his only friend on facebook. He listed his marital status as single. He did take the initiative to set up an appt with a counselor next week but I don't know how to feel/what to feel/etc. Sometimes I'm mad/sad/angry, etc. I know this is all over the place but my thoughts are so scattered. All I know is that I feel alone.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

*You are not alone* for all of us have been where you are at this moment.



2Little2L8 said:


> I don't know what it is that I've done or haven't done to cause him to turn to her


Even if you were the worst wife in the world, nobody but him chose to engage in this kind of disrespectful and disloyal behavior. We are all responsible for our actions, but never for the actions of others. You are not responsible for his.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I am so sorry you are here. At the least he has had an emotional affair with the co-worker and your trust is badly broken. You should read the newbe thread in this forum and consider whether you want to reconcile or cut your loses. This will not be an easy decision to make. You likely do not know half of the story yet. prepare for a rollercoaster of emotions. Welcome to the club to which no one wants to belong.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

2Little2L8 said:


> I don't know what it is that I've done or haven't done to cause him to turn to her.


First of all, realize that if your marriage is somehow vulnerable, you may have contributed at least 50% to that. But he CHOSE to cross marital boundaries with this incredibly inappropriate relationship with a co-worker. That's 100% on him. If you can honestly say you can't figure out why he's in his affair, then he may have had needs (or wants) that he didn't bother sharing with you. You are not a mind-reader. The fact that he knows enough to make an appointment with a marriage counselor means he KNOWS that this is the adult way to handle problems in a marriage. So stop beating yourself up about his stupidity. He owns this choice.



> He also had a facebook account and she was his only friend on facebook. He listed his marital status as single.


Well, this means he was using this method to communicate with her as well. Realize this: he was using various means of communicating with her. It was a fantasy relationship. This doesn't mean they never got together in person, what it means is that it was untested by the realities of day-to-day life in the way a real relationship is tested. Fantasies like this are compulsions that can be extremely hard to give up. 

He may say he's ended it with her, but you are going to have to verify this.

He is going to need to hand-write a letter of No Contact to his affair partner (samples are on this forum) that you deliver certified mail.

Then he is going to have to give you complete transparency. Disclose ALL passwords, accounts, phones, computers, facebook pages, texting, PHONE BILLS, etc. etc. Credit card receipts. You need to see it all and you are going to need to continue to review it for some time to come. It will take some time for him to exit the fantasy (6 to 8 weeks) during which there can be no contact or the compulsion will not weaken. (My husband was a classic example, he re-contacted his AP within about a month after no contact--but I didn't verify because I was ignorant about affairs.)



> He did take the initiative to set up an appt with a counselor next week but I don't know how to feel/what to feel/etc. Sometimes I'm mad/sad/angry, etc. I know this is all over the place but my thoughts are so scattered. All I know is that I feel alone.


You better make sure of several things: that this counselor is pro-marriage and trained in the ways of infidelity (a good litmus test is to ask if they've read the book, Not Just Friends by a leading infidelity researcher Shirley Glass, excerpts linked in my signature).

Also realize that MC is worthless if there are 3 people in the marriage. My husband and I attended 6+ mos. of MC all while he was still secretly in contact with the AP. What a waste!!!

Our new MC (which we started seeing after I caught him) is terrific. We've made tremendous, excellent progress now that he is out of the affair. The difference is night and day.


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## LeighRichwood (Mar 31, 2012)

2Little2L8 - The advice you've gotten for dealing with your husband's lies is excellent. I believe that in addition to the other suggestions you've gotten here you need to put some kind of plan in place to get more information without his knowledge. You need to know if what you've found out so far is all there is to know.

There may be more going on. It's possible that one of the reasons your husband was willing to delete his email address was that he already has another one set up that he can use. Or he is planning to create another one. The fact that he's communicating in so many different ways tells me that he's got a plan of his own.

You owe it to yourself to get as many details as you can about what he's doing. Get financial information - is he spending money on someone else, etc. Is there more than just sexy communication going on - are they meeting?

If you find out there's more, do not confront him until you have all your ducks in a row. Have a plan to confront him with what you know and then tell him what you will do if the affair doesn't stop.

Always remember that you can't control what he does. Everything he does is his own doing. You are responsible for your actions and how you deal with his cheating and lies. Don't take on guilt that you don't deserve. It's unhealthy for you - mentally, emotionally, maritally, and physically. 

I also suggest that if there's any chance at all that you'll end up divorced or if you think he might walk away from the marriage see a lawyer right away. You don't have to file for divorce, just make sure you get advice on what you should do to protect yourself for anything that might happen. If you wait to do that later, you could make mistakes that will cost you. You don't deserve that, so do as much as you can to prevent a bad situation in case you need it.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP,
He has told you lies and you have caught him.
He stays in contact with her, and that is not acceptable.
Would you like to continue in this relationship?
Take care.


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