# How do you escape a loveless marriage to a controlling and neglectful husband...



## skysohigh

I was talking to my girlfriend recently who told me that she regularly jumps on this forum. So I thought what the heck, might as well try it out. 

My husband and I have been married for 16 years and there is an 11 year age gap between us. I am 36 and he turns 47 next month. We have two boys aged 15 and 11. Before my husband I had never been married before however this is my husbands second marriage. He has no children with his first wife just to clarify. My husband has always been in control of our finances and organizing holidays and basically everything has to go through him for a decision to be made. I for years thought this was normal as when we met I was 19 and didn't know any better. I had nothing before I met my husband and he had inherited his fathers estate which included a business which is still operating and a few investment properties way before I had met him. He has always had control I suppose of operating the business and his fathers affairs before his father died. There are times that I have to call my husband to ask him to put money into our spending account because I have gone grocery shopping or out for lunch with my girlfriends but so he can control our spending he will empty the account before I go out so I have to go through what I am buying.

I was always an outgoing person and never shy to speak my mind but now I have no confidence within myself to be who I am. If I choose to argue his controlling behavior or decisions he has made on behalf of our family he will somehow twist it that I am the bad person and I walk away feeling like I am in the wrong and I end up apologizing. Last night I was washing a dish and it still had bubbles on it when I put it on the side, he was sitting at the counter basically telling me that I need to wash the bubbles off as it won't dry properly. I feel like I am a child with him telling me how to wash the damn dishes.

I remember telling him I was going to leave him before our second child came along. He became really attentive and supported me through my depression and then he convinced me to have another baby to which I have no regrets as I love both of my boys but now when I look back I think he was in control of that situation the whole time. He manipulated me and got what he wanted like he always does.

For the last 4 years there was been no emotion between us intimately. We might have sex 3 or 4 times a year and he never kisses or hugs me or barely even touches me but if we have friends over or family staying with us he all of a sudden becomes loving and kisses me in front of others and puts his arm around me. I love that warmth feeling but I know it is just for show so he is the one that looks like the best husband in the world. As soon as the door closes its like I don't exist and everything goes back to the way it usually is. Especially over the last 4 years I have noticed this huge gap build between us and it keeps filling up and I feel lonely and he goes to work and goes away on business trips sometimes for weeks on end and I don't even hear from him.

He is a great father to our boys. He is always there for them and picks up the phone if they call him when he is away and does his best to support them for whatever they might be doing at the time. He cuddles them and plays with them and is really a great father to them.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I am trapped in what I think is a loveless marriage but then am I just being selfish? Is this what every marriage is like. I am to ashamed to talk to anyone about the way I am feeling because I feel like I am the one with the problem. Always feeling empty and neglected and like everything I do is questioned and controlled by him.

Some advice would be great and please be honest. If I am being selfish I need to hear it.


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## EunuchMonk

What you are feeling is justified. This is why I always wonder about people who go into relationships with big age gaps. So easy for that to turn to a parent-child relationship. Because they are older they become condescending. I would tell you talk to him but it sounds like you have done that already.

Maybe the threat of divorce will set him straight but that's a huge decision. Also it's not a threat you should make unless you mean it. Otherwise the spouse loses respect for you because you look like a bluffer.

Dunno what else to tell you but, yeah, you aren't wrong/selfish for feeling this way. You only want the respect due to a partner in a marriage.


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## skysohigh

EunuchMonk said:


> What you are feeling is justified. This is why I always wonder about people who go into relationships with big age gaps. So easy for that to turn to a parent-child relationship. Because they are older they become condescending. I would tell you talk to him but it sounds like you have done that already.
> 
> Maybe the threat of divorce will set him straight but that's a huge decision. Also it's not a threat you should make unless you mean it. Otherwise the spouse loses respect for you because you look like a bluffer.
> 
> Dunno what else to tell you but, yeah, you aren't wrong/selfish for feeling this way. You only want the respect due to a partner in a marriage.


Thanks EunuchMonk. You hit the nail on the spot. He is so condescending but he is so good at it. That is why I am the one that walks away feeling depressed and the bad person.

The D word has crossed my mind so many times over the last 6 months but I am scared of being the person on the opposite side to him in a conflicting position especially divorce. His first wife came out with nothing and I won't lie but that will happen to me too I would believe. We have a prenuptial agreement which I don't even remember the terms set in it so I would need to get some advice on it but I can't pay for an attorney as any money I draw I have to tell him what I use it for and obviously I would be stupid to pay for legal fees on a credit card or checking account.

I love having a family, a family of my own. I am just tired of being treated like a child and made to feel like I am one of his employees. I remember when I was in my teenage years and all I wanted in life was to be a good wife, a good Mom and just be happy.

There was one argument recently where I suggested to him that perhaps we should sleep in separate rooms as he told me that he was annoyed because I wake him when I go to the bathroom throughout the night. He got so angry with my suggestion and said that I was trying to block him as a husband and he said I should never suggest such thing every again or he will divorce me so fast it will make my head spin and that he will leave me to be the pennyless b**** that I was before he married me. I was so hurt from this and that is one of the major incidents that has caused me to reach out for some advice.

Another major incident which caught me off guard was he suggested that we have a third child. I don't know where that came from but then I wish I could see into the future because what if a third child brought us back together again.

I wish there was the right answer.


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## EunuchMonk

skysohigh said:


> Thanks EunuchMonk. You hit the nail on the spot. He is so condescending but he is so good at it. That is why I am the one that walks away feeling depressed and the bad person.
> 
> The D word has crossed my mind so many times over the last 6 months but I am scared of being the person on the opposite side to him in a conflicting position especially divorce. His first wife came out with nothing and I won't lie but that will happen to me too I would believe. We have a prenuptial agreement which I don't even remember the terms set in it so I would need to get some advice on it but I can't pay for an attorney as any money I draw I have to tell him what I use it for and obviously I would be stupid to pay for legal fees on a credit card or checking account.
> 
> I love having a family, a family of my own. I am just tired of being treated like a child and made to feel like I am one of his employees. I remember when I was in my teenage years and all I wanted in life was to be a good wife, a good Mom and just be happy.
> 
> There was one argument recently where I suggested to him that perhaps we should sleep in separate rooms as he told me that he was annoyed because I wake him when I go to the bathroom throughout the night. He got so angry with my suggestion and said that I was trying to block him as a husband and he said I should never suggest such thing every again or he will divorce me so fast it will make my head spin and that he will leave me to be the pennyless b**** that I was before he married me. I was so hurt from this and that is one of the major incidents that has caused me to reach out for some advice.
> 
> Another major incident which caught me off guard was he suggested that we have a third child. I don't know where that came from but then I wish I could see into the future because what if a third child brought us back together again.
> 
> I wish there was the right answer.


If the second child didn't bring you together a third child won't either. Yes, he got you good. You're basically trapped in a way. He got you when you were super young and dumb and it's like you signed your life over to him. He has all the money. He mastered coming out of a marriage good from his first wife so I am certain that prenup that you don't remember the terms of is beneficial to him more than you.

Do you have a job? Do you have your own circle of friends? If not, it's time to start empowering yourself. Get a job so you don't need his money. I know you have children. Are you the primary caregiver?


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## skysohigh

EunuchMonk said:


> Do you have a job? Do you have your own circle of friends? If not, it's time to start empowering yourself. Get a job so you don't need his money. I know you have children. Are you the primary caregiver?


No I haven't worked since I fell pregnant with our first son. All of our friends are mutual. The friends I had during college have gone their separate ways years and years ago so we have built friendships through our kids through school and throughout our neighborhood. 

I am a stay at home Mom. I wanted to work for a friend of a friends business as an admin clerk just to give me something to do while the kids were at school. They even offered me school hours so told my husband what I had been offered and he didn't think it was a good idea and said we don't need the extra money. So I just went along with it. I do help out with a couple of charity organizations but that is about it and its all voluntary work.

I have no experience except 15 years of raising kids. I haven't worked a full time job in my life and have no idea where to start.


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## EleGirl

No you are not selfish. Your husband is emotionally abusive and controlling. Keep in mind that the purpose of abuse of any kind is control. The abuser uses it to break down their victim’s self worth so that they can be controlled.

You say that you have a prenup and won’t get anything. That you cannot afford a lawyer.

Find an organization that provides counseling and help for people who are victim of domestic abuse. Many of these organizations have a list of attorneys who will take the case pro-bono – not charge you. Instead they will file with the court to ask that your legal fees be paid out of either community property or simply by your husband. This equalizes the things so that you both have equally competent legal counsel.
It’s often possible to over turn prenups. If a judge feels that the prenup is not fair to you, the judge might very well throw it out. Or at the very least make sure that you end up with some assets and rehabilitative spousal support. Also, you will get child support. A prenup cannot be used to waive child support.
About a third child. Children never bring a couple back together again. Each child brings more stress into a relationship. Do not bring another child into this bad marriage. It will only serve to keep you prisoner for more years.


skysohigh said:


> I wish there was the right answer.


There is a right answer. I guess it's hard to see the forest for the trees. You need to leave him, get a good attorney and set yourself free from a very bad marriage... with a very controlling man.


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## EleGirl

Can you still get that job? I think it would be wise if you did. Perhaps you could tell him that you are just bored staying home when the kids are at school. It's not about the money but about you not sitting at home. And stick to that.

Does your husband keep financial records at home or anywhere that you can access them? Thinks like bank statements, investment records?


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## bluezone

OP, heck no you are not being selfish, and I agree totally with what Elegirl said in the above posts. You are in an abusive relationship. He is totally controlling over you, and you are rapidly losing yourself in the process. He is taking away your self esteem, so that you do not have the strength to go against him.

Marriage is supposed to be two people working together, supporting each other. He does not support you...he tries to suppress you. You do not want your children to grow up thinking that this is the way women are treated. 

You need to build some kind of support system for yourself...girlfriends, family members, etc. if you have them to help you get through this and get the strength to leave him. This marriage is not going anywhere. Good for you for posting here...this forum will help you as well. 

You might have been naïve when you were 19, but you are now seeing that the relationship is not what you thought it was. The fact he is a good father to your boys will still be in place if you leave him. He might be a good father, but he is a LOUSY husband. You deserve more that this. 

And one more thing...having sex 3-4 times a year and him going away on business trips where he "disappears" and does not contact you are huge RED FLAGS for your marriage. Hugs to you, I'm sorry you are in this position.


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## EleGirl

If you do not mind sharing, what is your state? It would be good to know so we can give you input that is specific to your situation.


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## EleGirl

Do you have family that would help you? At least give you moral support?

As bad as an abusive marriage is, they are still very hard to leave. The task usually seems monumental and a lot of people just don't have the support system and the emotional energy to leave. Their emotional energy is very often stripped by the every relationship that they need to leave.

An analogy that often use is that it's like moving a mountain. Moving a mountain seems impossible. It would take more than a lifetime for a person to do this in one swoop. But if that person had a plan, had the tools and the help, they could move a mountain... get a lot of dump trucks and people to fill them and drive them... you could move a mountain.

Leaving a bad marriage is like moving a mountain. When you think of it as something you have to do in one fell swoop, it's daunting and hard to find the energy to do it.

But make a plan, get support... work the plan one step at a time, and one day the only step left is one simple one.. walk out the door and never look back. My next post on here will be a plan.. you can can customize it to fit your situation. But it's a basic plan for leaving an abusive relationship.

The first very important step is to get in touch with an organization that provides support to victims of domestic abuse. They can help you customize the plan and carry it out.


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## EleGirl

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

*Get a support system: *



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 
If you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to www.meetup.com Search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.



*Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. *



If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:


your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

*Financial Plan*


Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.


*Your safety Plan: *

You need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand. 



Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.


*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship*


 *If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home: *


Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 


Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 


Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 


 *If you leave the family home: *


Do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights. You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.


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## Openminded

DO NOT agree to a third child. As you saw when he convinced you to have a second child, the likelihood that children will make things better in a marriage with a controlling spouse is very unlikely.


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## skysohigh

EleGirl said:


> Can you still get that job? I think it would be wise if you did. Perhaps you could tell him that you are just bored staying home when the kids are at school. It's not about the money but about you not sitting at home. And stick to that.
> 
> Does your husband keep financial records at home or anywhere that you can access them? Thinks like bank statements, investment records?


Hi EleGirl, no that job went a while back as I said no to it. I did go looking for financial statements in the den but there is nothing about what we do or don't have or anything to do with tax files etc. I would say that he would have everything at work as he has an accounting team that does everything for him. I kid you not, I have no idea what money we do or don't have. Is there a way without causing suspicion to do searches as to what assets he has in his name. I can only assume that there is nothing to find out how much money we have in the bank.

My husband is a good provider and I and my children never go without. I do know that our vehicles are linked to the business as they are leased through his company of which he updates our vehicles every 3 years, he has said in previous times that its a good tax write off. I have no idea but he always provides for our family.


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## skysohigh

bluezone said:


> OP, heck no you are not being selfish, and I agree totally with what Elegirl said in the above posts. You are in an abusive relationship. He is totally controlling over you, and you are rapidly losing yourself in the process. He is taking away your self esteem, so that you do not have the strength to go against him.
> 
> Marriage is supposed to be two people working together, supporting each other. He does not support you...he tries to suppress you. You do not want your children to grow up thinking that this is the way women are treated.
> 
> You need to build some kind of support system for yourself...girlfriends, family members, etc. if you have them to help you get through this and get the strength to leave him. This marriage is not going anywhere. Good for you for posting here...this forum will help you as well.
> 
> You might have been naïve when you were 19, but you are now seeing that the relationship is not what you thought it was. The fact he is a good father to your boys will still be in place if you leave him. He might be a good father, but he is a LOUSY husband. You deserve more that this.
> 
> And one more thing...having sex 3-4 times a year and him going away on business trips where he "disappears" and does not contact you are huge RED FLAGS for your marriage. Hugs to you, I'm sorry you are in this position.


Thank you so much bluezone. 

I have read so many other peoples stories over the last few days and I feel like I could get that confidence to be able to gain the courage to leave him if like a few of you have said that I get some help. 

In the past when I have told my husband that I am feeling depressed and that I feel like I am stuck in a domestic revolving door he basically doesn't acknowledge how I am feeling and suggests I go to the doctor. I have been on anti depressants for around 10 years now but nothing changes so I always feel so down and out.

My husband does work a lot which means he is away a lot but I am used to him not making regular contact with us. As long as he doesn't neglect the boys when he is away then I figure it would be ok. What do you mean red flags?


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## skysohigh

EleGirl said:


> If you do not mind sharing, what is your state? It would be good to know so we can give you input that is specific to your situation.


We are from New York state.


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## skysohigh

EleGirl said:


> Do you have family that would help you? At least give you moral support?
> 
> As bad as an abusive marriage is, they are still very hard to leave. The task usually seems monumental and a lot of people just don't have the support system and the emotional energy to leave. Their emotional energy is very often stripped by the every relationship that they need to leave.
> 
> An analogy that often use is that it's like moving a mountain. Moving a mountain seems impossible. It would take more than a lifetime for a person to do this in one swoop. But if that person had a plan, had the tools and the help, they could move a mountain... get a lot of dump trucks and people to fill them and drive them... you could move a mountain.
> 
> Leaving a bad marriage is like moving a mountain. When you think of it as something you have to do in one fell swoop, it's daunting and hard to find the energy to do it.
> 
> But make a plan, get support... work the plan one step at a time, and one day the only step left is one simple one.. walk out the door and never look back. My next post on here will be a plan.. you can can customize it to fit your situation. But it's a basic plan for leaving an abusive relationship.
> 
> The first very important step is to get in touch with an organization that provides support to victims of domestic abuse. They can help you customize the plan and carry it out.


I don't really have close family. I was really close to my parents when I was growing up but when my husband and I got married we drifted a part one of the reasons was my Mom did not like my husband and she made it known at a family thanksgiving one year and I was so horrified that I stopped making an effort and felt angry towards them. Now I am angry with myself as when I look at it from a different angle it was my husband that manipulated a flaw with my relationship with my parents.

I have a cousin who I try to keep regular contact with and my brother lives in Florida so we don't keep in contact regularly only for birthdays and holidays etc.

I never really looked at my husband as an abusive husband but after reading forums he fits the category well in truly. It is interesting how we can fall into a trap and feel like its normal life.


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## bluezone

skysohigh said:


> Thank you so much bluezone.
> 
> I have read so many other peoples stories over the last few days and I feel like I could get that confidence to be able to gain the courage to leave him if like a few of you have said that I get some help.
> 
> In the past when I have told my husband that I am feeling depressed and that I feel like I am stuck in a domestic revolving door he basically doesn't acknowledge how I am feeling and suggests I go to the doctor. I have been on anti depressants for around 10 years now but nothing changes so I always feel so down and out.
> 
> My husband does work a lot which means he is away a lot but I am used to him not making regular contact with us. As long as he doesn't neglect the boys when he is away then I figure it would be ok. What do you mean red flags?


Sky...the reason you are depressed is that he is controlling you and not allowing you to be an equal partner in the marriage. He won't allow you to work...he has driven a wedge between you and your parents, he won't clue you in on your finances, etc. etc. THAT is ridiculous. 

There is a REASON his first marriage didn't work out. It's HIM. 

Please read Elegirl's posts and advice and take it one step at a time. 

Has he even gotten physical with you?

By the "red flags" I am referring to the fact that no healthy male would only have sex with his wife 3-4 times a year. Something wrong here. But honestly this is the least of your concerns. Start taking steps towards getting a support system in place. Go for individual counseling.


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## turnera

skysohigh said:


> I don't really have close family. I was really close to my parents when I was growing up but when my husband and I got married we drifted a part one of the reasons was my Mom did not like my husband and she made it known at a family thanksgiving one year and I was so horrified that I stopped making an effort and felt angry towards them. Now I am angry with myself as when I look at it from a different angle it was my husband that manipulated a flaw with my relationship with my parents.
> 
> I have a cousin who I try to keep regular contact with and my brother lives in Florida so we don't keep in contact regularly only for birthdays and holidays etc.
> 
> I never really looked at my husband as an abusive husband but after reading forums he fits the category well in truly. It is interesting how we can fall into a trap and feel like its normal life.


Four things. First, call your mother. Apologize, tell her you realize now what she was trying to say. It will be the most important phone call you ever make. Remember that abusers always try to isolate their partner so that nobody will support her. You NEED your mother's support.

Second, read this book. It's the bible on abuse and will tell you a LOT; and you will need that knowledge as you try to break free, at least mentally if not physically.

Third, find a good psychologist, preferably one who specializes in abuse, and start going regularly. At least twice a month. You can either ask your mom for the money or, if you can handle it, tell your H that you're depressed and need to start going. The therapist is going to be your biggest strength in this whole thing. Trust me.

Fourth, and especially if he won't pay for your therapy, get a job. You can usually get a job at a daycare center with no training. And use that money to pay for the therapist or else put it away where he can't touch it.


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## SunCMars

Sorry for your situation. This is slavery in modern America. This is BS. What a jerk.

In the U.S. being married at least 10 years gives you more protections. Especially so, with Social Security and his Pensions.

Him wanting to have a third child?

a) Keeps you very occupied and quiet.
b) Keeps you very dependent on him...more so.
3) These children could be his new workforce when he is near retirement. Sounds like he enjoys his children more than you.

See an attorney for advice. Get a job. This money is your freedom to flee. Open a credit card in your name. Send the card to a friends or relatives house. Never tell him any of your plans. Put a happy face on....tell him you are bored, want to work. Working will allow you to accumulate your own Social Security account. You need 10 years of working/paying into SS. This is very important, come retirement time.


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## EleGirl

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

*Get a support system: *



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 
If you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to www.meetup.com Search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.



*Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. *



If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:


your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

*Financial Plan*


Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.


*Your safety Plan: *

You need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand. 



Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.


*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship*


 *If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home: *


Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 


Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 


Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 


 *If you leave the family home: *


Do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights. You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.


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## EleGirl

It sounds like you do not have an emergency to get out for your safety. So you have time to work on yourself and to get the data you need, such as what your finances really are.

There are things that you can do to find out about the finances.

Look in his wallet for any cards he has. Take pictures of every card he has. That way you know the companies and credit card numbers.

Go to clerk's office where they have the divorce records. Get them to pull his divorce and get copies of it. There should be financial disclosures. Even though they are from some time ago, you might find stuff that he still owns, account numbers, etc.


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## jb02157

I think that you are in control of this situation more than you may think. The time has come for you to offer your husband a ultimatum: Either the following changes be made or you WILL divorce him:

- You will work outside the home in any capacity you want to irregardless of whether the money is needed. This will be your money that goes in your separate account.

- You will be able to see whenever you want documents that show the financial status of the family and the business.

- You will access to any money necessary to care for your's and the family's needs without having to ask for it. 

- He will begin to treat you with respect

- He will begin treating you as a wife should be treated

- Discussions regarding any further children will be disregarded. 

There are many organizations that you can go to for help in getting a divorce. particularly if you are a woman. A woman with two kids will be able to make a killing in this situation, the courts usually are going to favor women. Nothing will be able to stop you from getting half of everything plus child support for the kids. 

I would have a divorce decree written up in advance just to show him that you mean business. When you present this to him I'm sure he won't agree with it at all, so you will have to be prepared to follow through with the divorce. If he threatens you, go the the neighbor's and call the cops.


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## WonkyNinja

turnera said:


> *Four things. First, call your mother. Apologize, tell her you realize now what she was trying to say. It will be the most important phone call you ever make. Remember that abusers always try to isolate their partner so that nobody will support her. You NEED your mother's support.*


:iagree:

This. You are a parent, you know that you'd never turn your back on one of your children telling you they were wrong, sorry and need you.


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## EleGirl

skysohigh,

Check your pm's.


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## 3Xnocharm

With you not working all these years, he will be supporting you with child support and spousal support, as well as most likely paying your attorney fees. He doesnt realize he has shot himself in the foot in this regard because he believes you will never leave. He has made sure to keep you down, right where he wants you. Also have no doubt that he is most likely sleeping around on you too. You may want to start investigating this, you may have a negotiating tool if you find he is indeed cheating. 

I was married to a passive aggressive, angry older man too. I remember being told how to wash the dishes too, same as you. That is just one small thing...he did that in every single area of my being, actually. Notice I said I WAS married to him.


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## Spicy

OP you have gotten a ton of advice that I agree with. Great people here to help you honey. I only want to say a couple things.

Immediately get your parents back involved in your life. Apologize, beg forgiveness, and give them full disclosure on what is happening to you in your home life. They will absolutely forgive you and want to help you, and you will probably need them.

I venture to bet the reason you ended up on anti-depressants is because of your husband. Chances are you won't need them after you get away from him (I experienced this with my ex). 

I also think that with him traveling a lot, and how rare you have sex, that he probably has fun with women while away.

I am sorry you have found yourself here, and I do wish you the best. We will all be happy to continue to help you sweetheart!


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## skysohigh

I thought I might pop back here after almost a few months. Things have progressed for the worst between my husband and I after I left him and the boys one weekend to go and visit my parents for the first time in a very long while. I took a risk and on a Friday I left the boys at home by themselves in the evening knowing their father would be home later and I drove to my parents place which took 7 hours. OMG I hate NY traffic!

My Mom just gave me the longest hug as I broke down and she said to me that she has been waiting for this moment for 16 years and that she saw it from the beginning that my husband was a control freak and many other things. She is very angry at him after I told her many things that have happened over the years and sad for me that she feels I have lost myself in this marriage and I suppose she is right in a way as I recognize now that I have. My Dad hasn't said much about the situation but both of them have said that when the time is right that they are there for me and the boys and that they will help out financially for a while until I get myself on my own two feet. I also saw a family friend of theirs Sons who is an Attorney and received some great advice on my position if I left him with the prenuptial agreement in place which I found out benefits me as there are children involved that are dependent on us as parents.

I had my phone off the whole time while I was away as I knew he would call and message me and it was really hard for me not knowing if the boys were ok or if they needed me but I had to do this for myself. My Mom and I have been keeping in regular contact and she calls me almost every day now. 

I went home and told my husband that I have had enough of being this person that lets her husband take advantage of her, that allows her husband to make her feel so low about herself because of his condescending traits, that lets her husband control every aspect of her life. I reminded him that I have been his Wife for the past 16 years and ever since have always felt like one of his employees at his business. I told him that from my point of view the gap between us just gets bigger and bigger each day, month, year and that it is unhealthy for us to put ourselves through this let alone our kids. I told him that I don't want the boys to become who he is and think that they can treat their future wives the same. I also told him that I have made the appropriate arrangements to leave him if necessary and am seriously considering divorce because I can see from my own position that there is no room for improvement.

I saw a change in my husbands reaction and person that went from powerful to scared as I have finally made a stand. After I divulged to him re the above I walked outside and burst into tears as for me it took a huge amount of courage to stand up to him. He hasn't spoken to me since and has moved into the guest bedroom and basically will have dinner with the boys and I and only converse with them and he pretends that I am not there. I think I have hurt him and he doesn't realize that the way of him expressing himself is shutting me out even more. I asked him if we should sit and talk to the boys about where our marriage is at and what could potentially happen over the next few months and he didn't respond so I have spoken to them and they seem to understand. My Older Son actually surprised me as he said that he has noticed that things have not been right and that there is a lot of tension in the house lately. It is interesting how kids pick up on things and determine a situation upon their own judgment. 

So all in all, here I am still married and living with my husband with our family still under the same roof in hope that something changes. For me right now I am hoping that a miracle will happen and he will wake up one day and realize that he has issues that need to be addressed. I am hanging onto the last straw with both hands hoping that we can save our marriage as I have been told that divorce can be a very bumpy and even more exhausting journey.


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## farsidejunky

I'm glad you reconnected with your family. I'm also glad that you put him on notice. 

Here comes the hard part... 

Now what?


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## skysohigh

farsidejunky said:


> I'm glad you reconnected with your family. I'm also glad that you put him on notice.
> 
> Here comes the hard part...
> 
> Now what?


Putting him on notice was a very nerve racking experience farsidejunky.

Now I am just trying to figure out how long I let my husband get over whatever he is dealing with after I put him on notice and see if he wants to try and mend this or if he agrees that we separate. Right now I am more leaning to separating and perhaps see if time and living apart will give us both the space to heal and rebuild and see if there is room for reconciliation later down the track because I really would like our family to stay together but on the right terms. But he has to be a part of that decision too and if he isn't going to let me in well then I have told myself I will give myself until the end of October or November before I make a final decision as to where I go from here.


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## farsidejunky

The key to it working either way is a clear understanding and enforcement of boundaries on your part. You will have to do so in a way that is firm, but calm.

"I'm not okay with that."

Or:

"I see it differently."

Understand that most controlling behavior is rooted in insecurity. If you want this to work, that means you need to be reassuring by separating the behavior from the person.

In other words:

"I love you and want this to work. However, I won't accept x behavior from my partner."

It won't be easy, and the moment you start enforcing boundaries, it will get worse before it gets better.


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## straightshooter

Sky,

Not sure why you think your situation has taken a turn for the worse. By you taking a stand you have shown him gthat this idiotic and mean behavior is going to end. And of course he is acting like a two year old by moving to gthe spare bedroom. That is what bullies do when someone punches them back in the nose.

It is great you went to see your parents. I would not impose and drop dead deadlines on yourself, but I would tell your husband specifically the things you NEED in order to stay. Understand if you make that choice to stay it is not going to change totally overnight. What you are looking for is progress. You did not get to where you are overnight.

And lastly, as others have told you, should you decide to leave there are groups and resources that support can be found at. Two things I think you should do is make sure you do see an attorney ( even if your parents hav e to loan you the money). He will NOT be able to keep more than half of your assets in all likelihood so you will get the fee back. And second, you ought to DEMAND MC if you can afford it should you decide to stay.


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## EleGirl

Have you asked him if he is willing to get marriage counseling and work with you to fix things?

I'm not necessarily suggesting this but more wondering if it even came up.


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## EleGirl

IF you see an attorney, you can ask the attorney to petition the court to have your husband pay your legal fees out of marital assets. The court would want both of you equally represented.

Also, did you have your own legal representation with the prenup? If not it might be pretty easy to have it thrown out.


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## Herschel

This is the first I have seen this thread, but from what I can tell, don't expect any changes from him. You were 19 when you met and he was 30? Would you let your 19 year old daughter marry a 30 year old man? He saw you as an opportunity to mold a young girl into a slave. Nobody likes it when the slaves fight back.


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## EleGirl

Herschel said:


> This is the first I have seen this thread, but from what I can tell, don't expect any changes from him. You were 19 when you met and he was 30? *Would you let your 19 year old daughter marry a 30 year old man?* He saw you as an opportunity to mold a young girl into a slave. Nobody likes it when the slaves fight back.


Parents have no way of stopping a 19 year old from marrying anyone. I know. My 20 year old step-daughter married a 45 year old man. 

She and he just sent down to the court house and only told his family about the marriage.

All I could do was be there when she was ready to divorce him... I did her divorce paperwork for her. It was a very satisfying thing to do.


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## Herschel

EleGirl said:


> Parents have no way of stopping a 19 year old from marrying anyone. I know. My 20 year old step-daughter married a 45 year old man.
> 
> She and he just sent down to the court house and only told his family about the marriage.
> 
> All I could do was be there when she was ready to divorce him... I did her divorce paperwork for her. It was a very satisfying thing to do.


I should have said "want" or "be ok" with. I am not saying anyone should stop anyone. I am saying, there is a reason you wouldn't want that, apply it to yourself.

Btw, I guess this means there is hope for me now that I turned 40. Lecherous days ahead!


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## 3Xnocharm

Wow, good for you! 

Set a time limit in your mind, don't let him know about it, to start seeing changes. But not too long. See where things are in 3 months. If you see real improvement give it another 3. You must stick to your guns on this, or he will sense weakness and pounce. 

Personally, I think you should just end it and get out, but you are doing this the way that feels right for you, and that is admirable


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## AVR1962

Been thru it....my husband would completely ignore me like I was not even there and then as soon as we were with friends he was the perfect gentleman, putting his arm around me and if we had company to the house he was the cook but when it was just us he would not cook or help out at all, would just sit and say nothing. 

How serious are you about leaving?

I think EliGirl gave you some good advise for steps to get out if you are serious.

If you are looking for this man to change I think you need to rethink that. It could be more of what you are wishing and only be disappointed when it doesn't happen. can you live with him the way things are? And can you accept this is him and the life you have been living with him may never be any different?


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## sixty-eight

bluezone said:


> Sky...the reason you are depressed is that he is controlling you and not allowing you to be an equal partner in the marriage. He won't allow you to work...he has driven a wedge between you and your parents, he won't clue you in on your finances, etc. etc. THAT is ridiculous.
> 
> There is a REASON his first marriage didn't work out. It's HIM.
> 
> Please read Elegirl's posts and advice and take it one step at a time.
> 
> Has he even gotten physical with you?
> 
> By the "red flags" I am referring to the fact that *no healthy male would only have sex with his wife 3-4 times a year.* Something wrong here. But honestly this is the least of your concerns. Start taking steps towards getting a support system in place. Go for individual counseling.


Wow. This thread gives me cold chills. It reminds me very much of what I went through. @turnera suggested a book a few posts back. Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft  It really is the abuse victim's bible. If you can't get a copy without him knowing, pm me, I would love to help.

The sex 3-4 times a year. The top two reasons for that with a healthy man are: He is either cheating on you regularly and/or he enjoys the control of withholding sex more than actual sex. All signs point to cerebral narcissist. 

A cerebral narcissist is highly capable of being celibate. They actually are known to prefer masturbation/porn to adult, mature, interactive, multi-dimensional and emotion-laden sex. Connecting through sex makes them feel vulnerable. Withholding sex is a control tactic. Not to be an alarmist, but you may want to get a strong lock on your bedroom door, and make sure that you are in charge of birth control. Both my kids (who i love dearly) are the result of birth control sabotage during times that he knew I was thinking about leaving. It worked on me, and it worked last time for you. You were unhappy, and he manipulated and distracted you with another child. The cold shoulder/silent treatment is a punishment. If you persist, they tend to experience a narcissistic injury and flip out. When I told mine I wanted a divorce and moved to another room, he tried to rape me. When i followed that with leaving with the kids, he immediately got a new girlfriend and moved her in. They can't handle you being in charge of the storyline. They need to look like the good guy, and a new relationship means (to them) that they were/are not the problem. 

This is a really common story line. This type of controlling, bullying behavior almost always follows familiar patterns.

He is super controlling. The finances, the job, the isolation from your parents, the convincing you to have another baby with him when you were upset (with your second child, and now).
These are all efforts to have everything under his thumb. If you do find work, you will need to convince him that it is his idea, like another poster suggested. If you don't, prepare yourself. He will likely try to frustrate you into quitting, or get them to fire you. That is the pattern. Mine always moved us away from my job, or appropriated my paychecks.

Be careful with your home computer and cellphone. It is not uncommon for someone with this level of need for control to have a keylogger or a gps tracker on you somewhere or on your vehicle.

He has devalued and discarded you. You are a convenient caretaker of his home and children (I'm sorry if that's too brutally honest :frown2. Right now, you are getting punished with the silent treatment/cold shoulder. If you persist, he may fly into a rage, or have a life crisis where he changes lots of things about his appearance/possessions/career and/or goes from almost asexual to sleeping with a lot of people. Once he realizes that you are not coming back, he will likely turn on the nice and try to woo you again. If you fall for it and go back, things will not improve, he will feel that he has tricked you and won and you will once again be put back into the caretaker role.

So those are the things about him that fits the pattern, but i'm not a counselor or psychologist of any type. However, I am a survivor. Let me know if I can help in any way.
The resources that have helped me are:
The Lundy Bancroft book listed above
Splitting by Randi Kreger and Bill Eddy
And this youtube channel:Thrive After Abuse
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/319418-abuse-thread.html


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## AVR1962

sixty-eight said:


> Wow. This thread gives me cold chills. It reminds me very much of what I went through.
> 
> The sex 3-4 times a year. The top two reasons for that with a healthy man are: He is either cheating on you regularly and/or he enjoys the control of withholding sex more than actual sex. All signs point to cerebral narcissist.
> 
> A cerebral narcissist is highly capable of being celibate. They actually are known to prefer masturbation/porn to adult, mature, interactive, multi-dimensional and emotion-laden sex. Connecting through sex makes them feel vulnerable. Withholding sex is a control tactic. Not to be an alarmist, but you may want to get a strong lock on your bedroom door, and make sure that you are in charge of birth control. Both my kids (who i love dearly) are the result of birth control sabotage during times that he knew I was thinking about leaving. It worked on me, and it worked last time for you. You were unhappy, and he manipulated and distracted you with another child. The cold shoulder/silent treatment is a punishment. If you persist, they tend to experience a narcissistic injury and flip out. When I told mine I wanted a divorce and moved to another room, he tried to rape me. When i followed that with leaving with the kids, he immediately got a new girlfriend and moved her in. They can't handle you being in charge of the storyline. They need to look like the good guy, and a new relationship means (to them) that they were/are not the problem.
> 
> This is a really common story line. This type of controlling, bullying behavior almost always follows familiar patterns.
> 
> He has devalued and discarded you. You are a convenient caretaker of his home and children (I'm sorry if that's too brutally honest :frown2. Right now, you are getting punished with the silent treatment/cold shoulder. If you persist, he may fly into a rage, or have a life crisis where he changes lots of things about his appearance/possessions/career and/or goes from almost asexual to sleeping with a lot of people. Once he realizes that you are not coming back, he will likely turn on the nice and try to woo you again. If you fall for it and go back, things will not improve, he will feel that he has tricked you and won and you will once again be put back into the caretaker role.


Excellent advise! People don't get it when you try to explain to them that your husband goes to porn and expects you to please him. They think that the wife must be withholding as no man would do this but it is not the case with men like this. He has to have control and he has to make sure you do not get what you want from him. You are to serve and please him, your needs are nothing. Yet to others.....to his family and friends, he is the perfect gentleman. He will show everyone what a a great guy he is when others are present.


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## prunus

New here and this thread gives me goosebumps. It's so similar to my story except for me, he refused to deal with finances at all. But, so many other things ring true. Sexless roommates, only doing things for me when others were around or when he knew I was completely done, etc. It's surreal to realize all the things he did to manipulate me to get his way, even our third child (which reading this thread made me look back and realize). Can you be a narcissist and a passive aggressive at the same time?


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## AVR1962

prunus said:


> New here and this thread gives me goosebumps. It's so similar to my story except for me, he refused to deal with finances at all. But, so many other things ring true. Sexless roommates, only doing things for me when others were around or when he knew I was completely done, etc. It's surreal to realize all the things he did to manipulate me to get his way, even our third child (which reading this thread made me look back and realize). Can you be a narcissist and a passive aggressive at the same time?


Yes, I absolutely believe people can be narcissistic and passive-aggressive at the same time.


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