# Fear and getting past it.



## LT1975 (Feb 10, 2012)

I *NEED* to get a divorce. I don't need to be told this. My husband has crossed so many lines. I don't want to get into that. I am done. I am paralyzed with fear. The unknown of what it will be like. I have been married since I was 18 I am now 36. I don't want to be alone. I don't know if I will even ever date. I have so many trust issues. 

How does a person get through fear and just do what needs to be done before anymore time is wasted?


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

If you know it needs to be done, do it. My wife wanted a divorce, I fought against it until I found out that the reason was an affair. As much as it pained me, and still does, I went to the courthouse the next day and filed the papers myself because it needed to be done. Because I _knew_ that I couldn't accept her after that.

I'm still struggling a lot, but I know that what I did was right. And I know that no matter how bad it is right now in this very moment, it will get better.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

If you have children, think about the model of marriage that you are giving them if you don't get divorced. Read stories on this forum of people who made it through the process. Think about the end of your life, and how you deserve to live a life filled with joy and happiness.


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## luckycardinal (Feb 7, 2012)

LT1975 - I'm dealing with that fear, too. I was just talking with my nana about it this morning and she said "honey, you know what you have to do for you and your kids - be strong and do it." I know she's right but it's still so, so scary to break out of a bad situation since we become used to even horrible situations and don't know life any other way. But, what a poster above said is true - do you want to come to the end of your life knowing you lived miserably, or do you want to feel satisfied knowing you were mostly happy (in any life some rain must fall, of course)?

sol4J - I am a Christian and before I quit attending church or dealing with organized "religion" I tried Focus on the Family. Not trying to cut down the organization, but doing "date nights" and spending more time with an abuser just simply isn't going to cut it. Not sure why the original poster needed to get out of the situation but it may be that it's something a band-aid won't fix (like my situation - my husband is a drug addict who has been in trouble with the law and is emotionally abusive to me and my kids). I know your heart's in the right place and prayer is always a good idea.


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## LT1975 (Feb 10, 2012)

Thank You everyone

luckycardinal- Thank you. I don't really have anyone where I live to talk to. My family lives 4 hours away. All of my friends have in the previous years moved away and my nana passed away in November. I have my mom and that is it. She doesn't understand why I have stayed as long as I have.

I don't want to leave my H I love him. He has done so much and saying sorry to just repeat it in my mind is not love. 

sol4j- I'm not leaving because the love is gone or he annoys me I don't need to strenghten my marriage or have a date night. My husband has no respect for me or our marriage. I could write a book on all the crap he has done to me. The things he has said, the things he has done. 

His favorite line these days to say is "but I am getting better I use to do this everyday of the week now I'm down to 4"


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## luckycardinal (Feb 7, 2012)

LT1975 - I feel alone, too - my family does understand but they wonder why I haven't left yet, too. People don't know just how hard it is. I'm not dependent on him economically - actually, he doesn't work, but it's still so hard to change your whole life. I also hear those stories of people going crazy and killing the whole family when the wife says they're leaving. I'm scared he will do that. He has done so much to me, I could write a book, too. In fact, there is a book written in my heart with all of his insults, all the times he's told me how worthless I am, how incompetent (I have an advanced degree and am working on another one), what a burden, etc., etc., etc. It's written down in my heart and has KILLED all the love I ever had for him. So, I'm pretty much like you except that I don't love him, haven't loved him in a very long time and the best thing that could happen to me is if he would LEAVE. I would celebrate that day, I promise you. Sorry you feel so alone; I know how you feel, though.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

The fear of the unknown is the worst. That's where I am right now  I feel like I should be done, but there is still love. I have so many questions in my head. 

Will I regret it?
Maybe every relationship is like this?
I could have it so much worst.
etc...

I could go on and on. Like the poster above said, you get use to your life the way it is...


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## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

LT1975, if you can afford a psychologist, find a good one and get them to help you. Worth every cent. Just this week, I had a session and I hit a blank wall on some stuff and it was the fear. This is the technique she used on me....I am not a psychologist, just someone trying to explain what worked for me.

Picture your fear as a person or thing (even you), what's it doing, where is it? Where do you feel it in your body? Describe it. Visualise it getting up and moving - facing the world. Where does it go to, how does it feel? What happens next? What does it do to make itself feel better? Again describe how your body feels? How is it different to before? This should take about 5-10 minutes - don't rush it, feel the pain and fear, then feel the change in your feelings and body.

It really worked for me, and once I did that exercise, I was then able to talk about what was causing the fear. 

Also, look at the facts in your situation, not feelings or opinions. Hopefully it will help for you. Best wishes.


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## LT1975 (Feb 10, 2012)

lucky-I hear you. I worry about him going crazy because I want to leave. I also worry that he will be a real a-hole about it. We have 3 kids and I'm afraid he will try and get custody of them. He can't take care of them he never has. Money is another issue. I do work but the way he spends his paycheck my money goes towards all the bills. There isn't any left to save or hide.

Bluebeauty-The, "maybe every relationship is like this" comment you made is so true. I don't think that much anymore. Things could be worse. I don't think that is an issue. I know that they could but that doesn't make a difference because they are bad enough for me. I think alot of us get "use" to things. I see it in my life of more like giving up.

Going Mental- love your screen name...lol I would love to see a psychologist. I tried to get us into MC early last year but H wouldn't go because our insurance wouldn't cover it and he said our problems are ours to deal with not to be talked about to a stranger. The truth be told it would have gotten into his spending money and I believe he was on something at the time.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

LT1975 said:


> I *NEED* to get a divorce. I don't need to be told this. My husband has crossed so many lines. I don't want to get into that. I am done. I am paralyzed with fear. The unknown of what it will be like. I have been married since I was 18 I am now 36. I don't want to be alone. I don't know if I will even ever date. I have so many trust issues.
> 
> How does a person get through fear and just do what needs to be done before anymore time is wasted?


I can't give you advice because I am in the exact same situation as you. My husband has crossed all of my boundaries too, with no remorse. He lies to me, sees other women behind my back to "talk to", has shown no remorse for the damage he has done to our marriage of 12 yrs, and treats me like a stranger. He is emotionally defunct. He never had a girlfriend for more than 2 mths before we got married in our 30's, and I know now he is not capable of an intimate, connecting, relationship with anybody. Although he likes to say its all my fault.

Every day I am wasting my life away, in a lonely, emotionless marriage with someone who only cares about himself and treats me with such disdain I wonder how I got here and why I don't leave. He does not talk to me, touch me, hold me, ask about my feelings or welfare, do anything with me ie: recreation outside the house. I have nobody to share my feelings or thoughts with. He is so uncomfortable with any level of emotional intimacy I feel rejected when I try.

I have nowhere to go. I am from another country and have been a stay at home mom for 9 yrs. I have no money, no relatives to support me/help me through it. I have tried to get a job for the past 6 mths, with not a single interview even for minimum wage Starbucks jobs. I used to earn 6 figures before I married him... I can't take our child and leave the country, he will get a court order against that.

I know I need to divorce him but I'm scared to death of my future alone and my ability to provide for our child. And yet every day I stay I KNOW I deserve better than him. I have so much to give, and I yearn to share my life with someone who is able to be emotionally intimate with me.

I am hanging on by a very, very thin thread, I have told him what I need and he's not delivering, not even trying. I know in my heart the day is fast approaching that I will give up my comfortable life with a man who treats me like a stranger, and exchange it for a life of struggle and somewhat poverty and lonliness. Although I am lonely now... in my marriage.

I hate myself for ending up in this position and hate myself even more for staying in this miserable life.

I have fear of the future and doing what I need to do but I also fear staying and wasting my life on this man, devoid of any love, companionship or friendship.


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## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

A partner who is not prepared to go to MC is guaranteeing themselves a divorce in my opinion. My H has held off a permanent separation & D by agreeing to MC, attending MC & actively trying to implement skills/info learnt. (We are in a trial situation).


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

My husband and I have been attending MC for over 7 months. He does not implement a single thing he supposedly learns in MC. He sometimes comments he does not agree with the therapist and that she is wrong. I think he is so internally mis-wired due to his upbringing he just does not get it.


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## soconfused1984 (Apr 19, 2012)

omg! same here! I am very scared to leave my husband because of his bad temper and he throws temper tantrums! I am really fed up and fed up of people telling me to go to MC!!! I am way over that and need to get out, I really don't know how people do it, but I'll just pray to God everything goes well, I really wish you the best to you too and hopefully you find the courage to do it!! cus I'm still stuck! my helps me get strenght is when i think about woman who had done it, and he is really not physically abusive so i know he is not going to kill me, but just i just have to face the situation and the temper tantrums of that moment when i leave him =) God Bless you!


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