# Me and spouse have nothing in common



## iamsubra100 (12 mo ago)

We both have been married for almost a decade. Before I start - my wife is basically a good person at heart and I respect her.

But in the last few years, there are some problems that are becoming more and more obvious to me. I had a gut feeling about them way back but I kept quiet and thought it would get solved over time.

1. To begin with, me and my wife have nothing in common. Forget movies, hobbies, not even food and eating habits. 

2. More than that, I sometimes feel she does not appreciate my interests. Ex: I like certain foods, but she never gave me an impression that she even wants to join me for that. I also like visiting my hometown often since I enjoy being there. But she always would complain of going there.

3. I once had planned to go for a wedding way back when we were still dating and my wife (then fiancee) took it that I didnt want to spend time with her and almost made a big fuss out of it. 

4. Everytime, any of my friends called us for a party, she would often complain and act disinterested or even suggest I go alone. Her point was she has no common interests with them.

5. More than that, I often feel a part of me has died after being with her - a part of me that had many friends and was very optimistic.

6. Many of these were things that came to me as gut instincts way back itself. But now, after a turn of events over the last 3-4 years, some of these things have become even more prominent.

7. One more disturbing thing: I used to have a female best friend way before I even met my wife. I even had a secret crush on her at one time. She is happily married though and I maintain a dignified relation with her. I certainly know my limits. But I am beginning to remember those days more and more often now and recollect how my best buddy always understood me and seemed to be there for me. (Note: I still wish the best for her and dont want to bug her too much. I know we were best friends but shes now happily married and I would never disturb her on that or even harbor such thoughts ever)

8. Last but not least, my wife is a wonderful human being and is a good person at heart. Even though I dont feel connected due to above reasons, I am worried about hurting her since she is a good person.

Please help me on what I should do.

TIA - Subra


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Don't look to other women to meet your emotional needs. That's the first wrong step. Look to and talk to your wife and tell her these things.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You need to talk to your wife. Tell her that you want to find common interests with her. Ask what she would like to do. It's hard. DH & I have started & stopped many things. But the point is we try. 

What you do together doesn't have to be fancy or expensive. We go for walks; we play board games; we take turns picking something to watch on Netflix for our Covid / lockdown Saturday night dates. 

We have tried but abandoned playing tennis, playing golf, riding bikes & watching the news. Point is we eliminated the stuff that didn't work for us. 

Since you seem to be the foodie, have you tried cooking together? Can you out to the adventurous stuff you enjoy or bring home take out? Make sure there is other food so she has something to eat if she doesn't like what you enjoy. 

Your hometown is familiar to you. You feel comfortable there & so like to go. It's foreign & lonely to her. Find ways to include her more. It sounds like she is shy so social interaction is a challenge for her. Do what you can to make it easier for her. 

Your former female BFF is a non-starter. Don't even go there.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

iamsubra100 said:


> 1. To begin with, me and my wife have nothing in common. Forget movies, hobbies, not even food and eating habits.


 What did you like about her when you were dating? That's what you have in common--return to that. Keep searching for common interests--Books? Music? Spirituality? Family? Friends? Coffee? Skydiving?



> 2. More than that, I sometimes feel she does not appreciate my interests. Ex: I like certain foods, but she never gave me an impression that she even wants to join me for that. I also like visiting my hometown often since I enjoy being there. But she always would complain of going there.


 So to her, she doesn't like "certain foods" and you don't give her the impression that you care about what she likes. And she doesn't like visiting your hometown and you don't care how she feels. See, there's more to this relationship than just you and what you want to eat or do. The whole point of a relationship is to relate to another person! So why don't you show some care for what she likes to eat -OR- suggest something like "Hey let's do what YOU like tonight and what * I * like tomorrow? We can try each other's favorites!" 



> 3. I once had planned to go for a wedding way back when we were still dating and my wife (then fiancee) took it that I didnt want to spend time with her and almost made a big fuss out of it.


 So did you check with her before you made plans? Not that you need to get "permission" because you're a grown adult, but you're in a relationship with her--that means you take her into consideration. Did you even consider her plans at all? 



> 4. Everytime, any of my friends called us for a party, she would often complain and act disinterested or even suggest I go alone. Her point was she has no common interests with them.


 Again, are you considering her? Sounds like she's not a party-girl. Okay, so RELATE to her! That's what marriage is: taking the rest of your life and learning how to love her well, and practicing how to LOVE HER well. When a friend calls, do you blow her off? If you were blown off, how would you feel about that?



> 5. More than that, I often feel a part of me has died after being with her - a part of me that had many friends and was very optimistic.


 It sounds to me as if you might be an Extrovert and she may be an Introvert, which is neither good nor bad, but just is what each of you prefers. It also kind of sounds like you want to "be married" but keep living the single life. If that's the case, then I'd suggest you mature a little, because part of maturing in your marriage is that instead of turning to all these friends, you turn to your life partner. 



> 6. Many of these were things that came to me as gut instincts way back itself. But now, after a turn of events over the last 3-4 years, some of these things have become even more prominent.


 Well, you are where you are. You made a promise to forsake all others and cling only to her. Ya gonna keep your promise or not? You could build closeness with her and learn about her and be curious about her and 'hang and have fun' with her... or you can keep going the way you are now and end up divorced.



> 7. One more disturbing thing: I used to have a female best friend way before I even met my wife. I even had a secret crush on her at one time. She is happily married though and I maintain a dignified relation with her. I certainly know my limits. But I am beginning to remember those days more and more often now and recollect how my best buddy always understood me and seemed to be there for me. (Note: I still wish the best for her and dont want to bug her too much. I know we were best friends but shes now happily married and I would never disturb her on that or even harbor such thoughts ever)


 Yeah, this is a disaster waiting to happen. You are a committed married man, not to mention this female best friend. If you were TRULY her friend, you'd encourage her to spend the time she "used to" spend on you and invest that in developing her marriage--without you involved! And likewise, you'd spend the time you are clearly still spending daydreaming and remembering "her" and invest that in developing YOUR marriage--without her involved! 



> 8. Last but not least, my wife is a wonderful human being and is a good person at heart. Even though I dont feel connected due to above reasons, I am worried about hurting her since she is a good person.


 Well, honestly you should be worried. You're acting in a very hurtful way and then wishing that your hurtful choices didn't hurt her. If you want to stop hurting her, then stop acting in a hurtful way. Think of your wife. Remember your wife. Learn your wife. Consider your wife. Build closeness with your wife.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Why do you no longer have friends? It sounds like your wife wasn't stopping you from going out with them (in certain situations at least), she just didn't want to tag along.

Your spouse isn't there to meet every single one of your needs. You need to have other people in your life for certain things like hobbies.

You do also need to try to find things to do together, though. That could mean you take part in each other's interests just because you enjoy the time together, or finding new activities to do together. You have to be reasonable, though. If she tags along you can't expect her to love everything that you do or share the same level of enthusiasm. Just enjoy the time together. 

That goes both ways. Based on what you wrote it's possible she could say the same things about you...

As for #7, just stop it. It's normal to think to better or happier times but it's nothing but a fantasy and it will not resolve anything.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Opposites attract only pertains to magnets....If you are really that incompatible, then no amount of effort is likely to fix it...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I wonder how much effort you make to consider her likes.

I see a lot about you and nothing about her.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

In addition to the other opinions, I just wonder if maybe your wife is an introvert. I don't think it's fair if a person who is an introvert tries to stop there more extroverted made from doing the things they enjoy though. But for introverts and really a lot of people, it's not very comfortable being around people you don't know at all and it takes a certain amount of gregariousness to get to know them. 

Totally agree you need to sit down and work together to find common interests.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Does your wife not care about YOUR interests? sounds like it.

have YOU tried to find areas of overlap with your wife, so you can do things enjoyable together? Maybe traveling? Maybe art? Maybe kickboxing? whatever....sounds like you have not lifted a finger in that area.

she is probably thinking right now "how come he never wants to do the things that I LIKE TO DO???"


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

> 8. Last but not least, my wife is a wonderful human being and is a good person at heart. Even though I don't feel connected due to above reasons, I am worried about hurting her since she is a good person.


This could be a mid life crisis you are feeling.

If you are going to jump ship, do it (now) and with dignity, while both of you are still relatively young.

Just know, that you may not find a better partner, just a different one.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

It sounds like your wife might be an introvert. I am an introvert and its a curse.... people oftentimes think you are just not friendly and boring.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

iamsubra100 said:


> We both have been married for almost a decade. Before I start - my wife is basically a good person at heart and I respect her.
> 
> But in the last few years, there are some problems that are becoming more and more obvious to me. I had a gut feeling about them way back but I kept quiet and thought it would get solved over time.
> 
> ...


Sounds really a lot like you’re the problem. A cheating heart. Jmo


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Think back to when you first met, before you married. What attracted you to her? There must have been something other than just looks, right? What made you decide to marry her? What made you decide you want a life with her?

I can tell you from being married to someone I had a TON of things in common with who cheated on me repeatedly - common hobbies are meaningless if you don't have values in common. Forget hobbies, because those are easy for you guys to explore together. What core values do you share?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

@joannacroc already covered some of this in the post above-

- What would a post from her in this thread say? How would she view the marriage? What would she see as reasons for staying with you, vs leave?

- Is this potentially one of those posts where, once divorced, you realize you lost something that actually did matter, but you had taken for granted?

- Why did you marry her? It doesn't sound like anything has changed since that wedding scenario you described. I doubt that was the only warning flag back then. You didn't share interests back then. What brought you together? Which of you decided to marry the other?

- You've not brought up sex. Good/bad/indifferent? 

- Have either of you suffered from depression?


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

My wife have completely different hobbies and movie tastes… women I know all want to watch Hallmark and boring stuff like that- lol.

Hobbies? My wife likes socializing (I hate it) and I like being active (weightlifting, climbing, biking, hiking…). I mean we participate to some degree in each other’s hobbies but if my wife tagged along on all my hobbies I’d hate it because she would slow me down.

We agree though strongly in religious beliefs and in raising our children… and we’re also highly attracted to each other- so I think it’s easy to laugh off our differences in movies/hobbies. I mean, you don’t want your spouse to be a carbon copy of you do you? I think my kids benefit from having parents with different personalities and ways of doing things… provided you agree on all the important stuff.

Best wishes, brother.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Definitely quit spending mental effort on this old friend. That effort should be going towards your marriage/spouse. 
I don’t think all spouses have to have a lot in common. Depends on the couple.
It’s good to do things together but each person should also have things for themselves.
The only suggestion I have is maybe discuss with her that 1) you’d like to re-connect with some of your old friends (not the old girl you’re pinning over though) and 2) let her know you’d like to explore things the two of you can agree on trying. Maybe each of you create a list of “things to do or try in next 1-5 years”. Then share the lists with each other to see if there’s something in common or something y’all can agree on and start checking off the boxes together. Simple advice but both of you have got to be willing to try. Talk about it don’t be whiney or accusatory … as in “you NEVER want to do what I want” or “you NEVER want to eat I want” etc.


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

to OP, man, you just described my life (ok, except for #8, but that’s a whole thing story) 

I guess my suggestion would be find out what your wife is interested in? See if there is any overlap? Or you can spend your time doing her thing.

also, don’t lose your friends, don’t lose your hobbies, it’s not worth it. You don’t have to be a different person for your marriage.

And the female friend. I don’t know. My suggestion is don’t enjoy it, at least don’t enjoy hiding it from your wife. Good luck with that.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Similar boat and she admitted we have nothing in common. 

My advice is “you do you and she does her”. Quit pursuing someone that doesn’t want to pursue you. I’ve raised the same issue but to no avail. Her choosing to not participate in your interests is… a choice. Choices have consequences.

Great relationships are built on mutual curiosity, mutual interests and mutual experience. Without those you WILL be disconnected in the long run as there is nothing to coalesce around besides family admin stuff or future planning. Hence how married couples are “shocked” they are suddenly strangers after the kids move out. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Reciprocity is an important concept and many have alluded to it here. I failed to due this for many years because I was focused on what I wanted to do and not what my wife wanted.

I don’t want to hang out with her family tomorrow, I’d rather do any number of things, but it will make her happy so that’s what we’re doing. 

In the past I would have sent her off to go do whatever, especially as I am on call for work so I can’t travel too far from cell reception or my house. Now instead I say you know what, I want to come along but I am on call. Can we figure something out where I can still go?

Doing stuff like this has helped to achieve a better balance. Not perfect, but then again nothing is perfect. Think about that one a bit.


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