# Help me Understand



## Diamondsrbff (Jul 17, 2010)

Married my high school sweetheart...so we've been together 27 yrs married for 22. We have two teenagers 15 & 17. We both work, great house but finances are tight & stressful.

We have not been getting along for the last few years which I thought was because of our busy lives, stress of our jobs, kids causing stress...Intimacy is non-existing but not b/c I'm not trying he is just not interested...I thought is was b/c of meds he is on for high blood pres., cholesterol & an anxiety med. Had blood work done w/ doctor to check testosterone levels and blood work came back normal. 

He has just informed me that he wants a trial separation to figure things out..he just doesn't feel that he loves me anymore. I'm devastated...I don't want my marriage to end...he's my best friend...he says it's not fair to stay in a marriage where I have love to give and he doesn't. I've asked him if it's someone else he says no and I believe him...he is always home, when he goes out it's usually with me...we have a great group of friends that we do alot with...I've even asked if he is gay...which he says no..and I believe...but what guy doesn't want sex. 

He doesn't believe in therapist or counselors or any relationship books b/c how can someone else tell him how he feels or should feel. So at first he refused to go to counseling but he said he would go and have an open mind but I'm not sure if he is really opened minded or just doing it to appease me...

He is looking for an apt. which is gonna put more financial stress on us. he refuses to ask a friend to stay with...and he doesn't want us telling anyone..

Am I loosing my husband for good? Is there anything I can do? I think he is depressed which I've mentioned to him and of course he denies but he is always tired...sleeps all night, falls asleep on couch every day...even if he has slept a full 8-10 hrs the night before...he's drinking more...I think we have a lot of stress in our lives and I'm willing to do whatever we need to to get out of this house, cut back and get better control to get rid of some stress. Any suggestions?

Sorry so long...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

So sorry you having to go through this. First, I wouldn't rule out the medications. Ask your pharmacist to check on the side effects of his specific medications. 

Next, before this gets any worse, please read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. The book will help you really understand what is happening in your marriage. It will also help you resolve the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" feeling--even if he won't read the book. You may also want to see a therapist to help you deal with the situation. I really hope you can head this off. Once he moves out the financial pressure does get worse. Instead of struggling to keep up one house, there will be two. It's still the same amount of money, but it gets spread much thinner.

Hang in there.


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## Diamondsrbff (Jul 17, 2010)

*Re: Help me Understand- update*

Well I'm not sure how long it's been since I've last posted but I thought I'd give an update and see if anyone has any advise to help me through this. 
My H is moving out Sept 1. He went to one counseling session and has refused to go to anymore...I've been going alone. he said he would do a book with me.."Divorce Busting" we both read one chapter and went on a date to discuss and try to get back what we had...it did not go well. He does not want to read the book..he says he doesn't feel hopeful like he thinks I do when we go on the dates. He talked to med doctor and the doctor agreed with him that he doesn't think he is depressed or going through a crisis. I have been doing everything possible to save this but I don't think there is anything else I can do...I'm letting him move out, have his own space to see if it feels right or if he feels he's made a mistake..(his words)..although he has told me numerous times that he just doesn't love me anymore... I've asked several times if there is anyone else and I really believe him that there's not...there are no signs of it...he's always home, doesn't work late, no phone calls, is on his computer out in the open. 
I have been trying to be very independent, working on myself...ie gym, alone time, books. but he's killing me..I have never hurt so much before...so do I just let him go and let him be and see if he realizes hes made a mistake or do I do something else...and if so what is that something else...I read all these other posts and it seems like it is always the wife that leaves...I have always been loving to him and would have sex every night if he would give it to me but he never wants it...I don't know what I'm doing wrong.


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## The Destroyer (Aug 3, 2010)

I really don't know if I'm the right person to even say anything because I'm in the position of your husband right now. I know for me it's not something that DH is doing wrong and I wouldn't even know where to tell him to change. That's the problem because there is no fault, it's just the way it is. 

For me the love I feel for him is more like a friend. I do genuinely care for his feelings and what happens to him but I don't feel the romantic love for him so it's hard to build the marriage. I know it's the 'friend' line that we have all grown to dread but it's where I am. I am still trying to figure out if I can build on it but I will admit that I wish I could separate from him so I could see clearer. Maybe (and I mean MAYBE) this separation will help your DH see more clearly. And you never know it might give you the strength to recognize what you need to do to take care of you. 

Good Luck
~The Destroyer


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## Diamondsrbff (Jul 17, 2010)

Well at this point in our 22 yrs of marriage wouldn't spending the rest of your life with your best friend be a good thing...I know your suppose to love each other...& I still love him and I think deep down in his heart that there is still love or this wouldn't be hurting him as much as he says it is. 
I thought things were good...we do alot of things together..we have friends that we do things with alot, we host parties at our home, we like going to movies together doing things with our kids together so when he came out and said "he doesn't love me wants to separate it was like a rug being pulled out from under me. Now don't get me wrong we've had arguments and lack of intimacy but he has as stressful job, I work, we have two teenagers, stress with finances so I thought we were just letting every day stress and frustration get in the way and we needed to step back and re-group if you will....he is really stepping back.


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## stalemate (May 13, 2010)

Diamondsrbff said:


> Well at this point in our 22 yrs of marriage wouldn't spending the rest of your life with your best friend be a good thing...I know your suppose to love each other...& I still love him and I think deep down in his heart that there is still love or this wouldn't be hurting him as much as he says it is.


From my own situation I can tell you that spending the rest of my life with my "best friend" would not be a good thing. I do care about him very much and wish it were possible to end the marriage but save the friendship, but I'm not sure that any separation/divorce can be that friendly.

I am certain that staying married without intimacy isn't good enough for the rest of my life. We either have to put this relationship back together or split up. Continuing to live the way we have been just isn't enough for me anymore.

I deserve more than this and even though he doesn't realize it yet he does too!


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