# The Stranger In My Bed



## tigerstyle

Hi Everyone,

I have been married 7 years and both wife and myself are 40 years old. We have had many issues in our marriage which have stemmed from the fact that she has spend about 3 of those years visiting her parents in the States. She and her family think that is totally acceptable and I am being unreasonable by saying that is too long.

In that time she has never been able to hold a permanent job as she knows she will be visiting and also wanting to have children in an issue. Her parents say that if we have kids what is wrong with them spending 6 months in the States and 6 months in the UK. Well, schooling for one and which guy would have kids with a wife knowing half the year there will be separation. In any case, the wife will not have kids in my opinion because she dislikes anything to do with responsibility. Which brings me to the issue I need advice on at the moment, summarised as follows:

1) Wife has made a big circle of friends, and getting to know more people here and going out is something that I have always encouraged.

2) The issue has become around the fact that she does not tell me when she's going out sometimes, but more repeatedly when she is coming back if it is becoming late.

3) Examples include her going out after work for a 3 hour coffee with a friend and then to a salsa club with her friend, which starts at 8.30pm and finishes at 9.30pm. She asked me to make dinner which I did, but then I do not hear from her until 12.30am when she texts me saying she is just chatting to her friend in the car park. This is despite me calling her at after 10pm to see where she was at. The next day I presented two issues to her - a) you have been out all evening after work, and then dancing, why would you not come home afterwards and spend time with your husband and b) is it not reasonable for you to call me to let me know you are going to chill out with your friend and be late so that I do not worry and out of courtesy. Her response is that she is being reasonable as nobody in the USA have to tell their other halves about coming home late etc (which is bollocks).

4) Examples include her going away on Friday to spend with a friend (wife my my best friend) and stating that she will be back mid morning on Sunday so we can hang out, go out for lunch and do shopping. Anyway she turns up home at 9pm and not once has she called me despite me leaving her messages. Her response was that I knew where she was do why would I worry. She does not understand that her actions are unreasonable and disrespectful, especially because when I go out I will tell her exactly where I am at and when I am coming home. I spoke to her parents about this and their response was that I want to be controlling If I wanted to be controlling I would not allow wife to go to the USA for 3 out of 7 years. 

There are dozens of more examples.

I am basically at my tethers end here. If her parents ask her about kids, she says of course she will consider them if our communication improves and hence relationship. I communicate so effectively with her and leave no stone unturned, yet she is so secretive about everything and does not communicate. The reality is that she never wants kids but she hates to be asked any questions about them and likes to swerve the question and go on about her daily life. In fact, if I ask her about any plans for the future she shys away and it seems like everyday is the same as there is nothing to look forward to.

My friend (whose wife she stayed with that weekend in the example) was drunk one day when he visited us and said he wanted to tell me something. He said my wife told his wife that the reason she wont have kids is because she wants to look after her parents as they are getting very old now and that having a kid will come in the way. So basically, she is going to leave me anyway to be with her parents when they need her - I have said to her parents in the past to come and live with us but they have refused and said we should pack up and move over there. I can not do that as I have a very specialised job that allows me to work in the UK only.

Do I make the first move and ask for a divorce or just wait things out and see what happens in the future. One thing I can't do is talk to my wife about this as she will just shy away and not engage.

Thanks


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## Clay2013

I wouldn't ask for the divorce I would just file. She clearly is using you to have the kind of life and freedom she wants. You don't deserve that at all. There is no way anyone can tell me she doesn't have a clue that she is doing wrong. She obviously learned well how to manipulate you and others to get what she wants. I would file as soon as possible and move on. There is no way I would let her take my kids away six months at a time. She sounds crazy or narcissistic.

I am sorry you are going through this but you need to make a change for you. 

Clay


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## naiveonedave

3) Examples include her going out after work for a 3 hour coffee with a friend and then to a salsa club with her friend, which starts at 8.30pm and finishes at 9.30pm. She asked me to make dinner which I did, but then I do not hear from her until 12.30am when she texts me saying she is just chatting to her friend in the car park. This is despite me calling her at after 10pm to see where she was at. The next day I presented two issues to her - a) you have been out all evening after work, and then dancing, why would you not come home afterwards and spend time with your husband and b) is it not reasonable for you to call me to let me know you are going to chill out with your friend and be late so that I do not worry and out of courtesy. Her response is that she is being reasonable as nobody in the USA have to tell their other halves about coming home late etc (which is bollocks).

she was in the car park with her OM. She is cheating on you.


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## life_huppens

Cheating or not, just file and be done with it. Looks like you are her ATM machine. Free yourself. you deserve someone better.


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## bandit.45

Divorce her. She is no longer marriage material...if she ever was. And...people like this, men and women, rarely stop or change to save their marriage. Shes may or may not be a cheater, but she is definitely immature and is acting like a spoiled child. You deserve better. You deserve an adult woman who understands what marriage and commitment is.


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## life_huppens

tigerstyle said:


> The next day I presented two issues to her - a) you have been out all evening after work, and then dancing, why would you not come home afterwards and spend time with your husband and b) is it not reasonable for you to call me to let me know you are going to chill out with your friend and be late so that I do not worry and out of courtesy.* Her response is that she is being reasonable as nobody in the USA have to tell their other halves about coming home late etc *(which is bollocks).


This is a total BS. Here in a States we do tell spouses where we are if we are getting late, unless one is cheating. It is common curtesy and respect.


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## Marduk

Go dark for a couple weeks. Minimal contact.

If she asks what's up, tell her you're re-thinking your marriage and say no more.

If she doesn't rush to your side to fix it or doesn't ask what the problem is, then she hasn't been your wife for a very long time.


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## anchorwatch

Wellcome tigerstyle,

She sidesteps your questions, yet she answers them loudly with her actions. Have you articulated your needs for this relationship to continue? 

What was your part in allowing her to take leave of her responsibilities in the relationship? Were you passive in allowing her to neglect the marriage? 

It doesn't always have to come to a divorce, but nothing will change unless you do.

Have you waited long enough? Here, these may help you decide? 

Boundaries

NMMNG

Best


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## tigerstyle

Hi guys,

Thanks so much for the responses. I do not think she is cheating but there is a dark side to her that I can not put my finger on, hence the stranger in my bed. 

I suppose originally I was passive as she wanted to go and see her parents but it went from several weeks at a time to three months at a time. Then eventually to 11 months last time she was there. The worst thing is that when she is going she leaves me between 1-2 weeks notice and thinks that is reasonable. So many times have I made plans with her which never happen as she leaves, and she says she only recently made the decision to go so was not trying to play me along. I do not believe that - especially because she was a barrister when we got married. She plays innocent but I fall for it each time.

She wants to cruise through life without any responsibility (does no house chores, very little cooking) such as a mortgage or have kids. I live with my mum is a pretty big house (as indian) and I have said I am more than happy to buy our own place as long as she commits to working too but she says who needs a mortgage. My mum and her do get on great though and in 7 years have never had an argument. She has strung me along for several years now and everyday that we have been married has been the same, there is just so little ambition, motivation or any plans of any sort she will commit to. She does not want to have kids but what frustrates me is she strings along everyone else saying she might do if our relationship was better. When I ask her what I can do to be better, she does not really have a response and says she just wants to be happy (which she does not explain either).

I need out of this marriage, I know it will be hard but have to. My mum loves her as much as me but says there just can not be any future between us as the marriage as been stuck for several years and agrees that the time she goes to the USA has been so detrimental to our marriage. I know she is planning on leaving to - I can see it in her eyes and am sure she will drop the bombshell. My family think that I should wait and let her make her move in due course and let her end the marriage and not me, then at least we can not be accused of any wrong doing. What do you think should I wait?

PS - thanks for the USA contributor re letting other half know where they are going or how late they are coming back. I knew she was talking crap but she honestly believes it which is scary.


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## anonfrank

Arranged marriage? It seems the two of you are not compatible.

From the looks of it, she doesn't want to be with you. Eleven months away for non-work related reasons is pretty extreme.

Then, the disrespect. Completely unacceptable. Again, she's just not into you.

I'd just file. She can find someone else to be her ATM.


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## Lostinthought61

You know in your heart the answer, you never signed up for this lifestyle, for this living arrangement....and more importantly she has demonstrated disrespect to you in not keeping you aware of her plans. I wish you luck


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## happyman64

tigerstyle

your wife is full of rubbish!

Send her permanently to Mummy and daddy where she belongs.

Cheers
HM


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## Marduk

Don't wait.

You need to learn to not be so passive.

And get out of your mom's house while you're at it.


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## 6301

I read this twice and it boils down to this. Look in the mirror and take a long hard look at the image staring back at you. Then point your finger at it and you'll see whose at fault here. Your fault, your fault, your fault.

You created this monster by not opening your mouth and letting her know that this isn't working and changes need to be made yesterday. You let it snowball and now you have an a avalanche running you over. 

I agree with the other posters. Go find a lawyer, have her served and tell her to go live with mumsy and daddy because your through. In all honesty I don't think she'll put up a fight and if she does it will be only because her meal ticket is done and she'll have to fend for herself.

You started this mess and now you better figure out a way to end it one way or another. This is no way for anyone to live or tolerate.


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## tigerstyle

There are some brutal answers here - very truthful but hurtful.

She has gone out tonight with her friends but told me in the spirit of communicating as per my wishes she will be home between 12 - 3am.

I need an out here guys, I fear being on my own more than anything else. Before I got married, I was the most ambitious and successful person anyone knew. I went from graduate, to manager, to senior manager to director in my firm in less than 10 years which was unheard of. Since being married to her, I have had no ambition as there has never been anything to look forward to. I even left work for a few months a few years ago to be with her in the States to try and bring her on side. I found that she spent very little time with me, but would be out with her mum at all times and her sister would take precedent over me (example in the 4 months there, the only thing I wanted to really see again was the Sears Tower which we had planned on our last but one day, except her sister called her in the morning and said she wanted her to go out with her friends so wife cancelled with me and I did not go - other examples include her sister berating the UK way of living so me deciding not to go to see her but wife taking her side and leaving on my jones - albeit wife has admitted this was wrong ever since).

I am not trying to paint my wife in a bad picture here. When she spent 11 months in the States she worked and from what she told me she earned around $100,000 as she was working as a self employed barrister. However, when she came back and for the first time I asked her about merging savings and finances, she said her parents have her account and money and told her not to transfer the money to the UK as she would lose money in xfer fees etc. Wife said we could use that money when visiting the States - but the problem is I would only ever visit between 1-2 weeks per year. We had a massive argument over money and she finally confessed that the money was needed by her parents who have a huge house but need help with mortgage and expenses and her fathers business now makes no money. The problem I have here is that by UK standards my mums house (which is in my name btw) is well above average size for uk houses but way smaller than her parents house, and my in laws berate us by saying how small ours is compared to theirs. Ours is paid off and theirs has a mortgage and my wife helps pay that off. This is always pissing me off as when ever I query it I am told that financially her family help each other out. Where the heck was this help when I visited for 4 months and was not working, I mean no one subbed me I had to pay my way there.

But on the plus side, my wife never asks me about my finances here and always tells me to give whatever we can to help my mum etc (albeit my mum does not need it). Wife also is very low maintenance as she buys all clothes etc in the USA. She also lets me go out whenever I want without any question, albeit I am out after midnight only once every 3 months. The issue is she plays the innocent and victim all the time and I fall for it each time. But she has never been by my side when I needed her the most (example being me and mum losing a six figure sum in a bad investment where we had to pay up but she ran off to the USA for 3 months and everyone in my family was asking why she wasn't here). 

I can see in her eyes she is vying to leave me as soon as her parents need her. I am torn as family keeps saying wait until she leaves but the problem is I am depressed every minute of seeing her. I am a good reader of people and have always been and people have found that scary. I know and feel and sense she is planning to leave, the question is should I strike first? My issue has always been I am a soft touch and do not want to see her hurt.

Re poster - it was not an arranged marriage. I met her online. I was registered on s ha adi .com looking for a UK marriage but she found my profile and pursued me. She came to meet me here in the UK for a week (never told her parents) and we spent much time chatting. I called the marriage off several times as was not feeling right about things but each time she convinved me and I fell for it. She was so unhappy in the USA and wanted an out and was so sweet and charming. Everything changed after we married. Only reason I have stuck with this so long is because I believe in the sanctity of being married and been waiting for her to change.


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## tigerstyle

PS - I forgot to mention something. Wife and her friend she went salsa with and was talking to after midnight was around earlier today and I over heard a conversation they had in the patio. Wife was saying how different it was here compared to the USA as no one would ever there be annoyed about a spouse coming home late with out telling the other. The friend was agreeing. I mean, I wish when she gets married her friend sees how it ends if she truly believes that. 

I have just spoken to my mum about how depressed I am. She said she is torn because a) she has always treated my wife like her daughter and never once got into an argument with her and she loves her to bits and dotes on her so much my mum does all the cleaning and cooking so she does not have to do her share (albeit I have to do my share) and b) because what she does to me re going away to the USA, out with friends without telling me and not updating me, and not wanting kids - she is not going to change and mum knows as soon as her parents need her she will leave me and there is absolutely no path that leads me to happiness in the future with her. She cried about the situation tonight. I have always been a strong person both career wise and physically (so much so have fought in amatuer kickboxing bouts and have own wikipedia page!) but am a wreck emotionally. I do not want someone's daughter to be put through divorce and hurt and neither does my mum, but I can not see anything in our future at the same time. Really sucks right now.


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## tigerstyle

I sit here on my own and having a soothing cup of redbush tea but feel like i want to punch a hole in my wall. I have effing failed in life because a woman who is so immature and unreasonable. She looks at me as if she is better than me and smarter, and I can p i s s on her anytime I wanted but wanted her to feel special and superior. Will never make her feel bad as i think as you should never put anyone through hurt. All my friends can not believe I got married to her as I am good looking and she is not and over weight, but I thought out intellectual level was very compatible (which is why I dont think she is having an affair either). She has it so good, no chores, no cleaning, no cooking as i do all of that and mum, no responsibility, no bills, no commitment - nothing. She is ugly but has a great brain which is what I was attracted to. Even the thought of making love to her makes me impotent!!!


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## scatty

She is not acting like a married woman. It's possible she has a man in her hometown, and it sounds like she is trolling for men at home as well. Even if that isn't the case, she acts like a single woman.


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## anchorwatch

I think you're beginning to get it, Tiger.

Now, haven't you waited long enough?


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## workindad

Your wife is full of crap and feeding it in heaping helpings to you.

She spends almost half of her time in another country, and when she is back with you she stays out with friends until 3am, giver or take.

You can continue to waste your life in this worthless marriage or you can do something about it.

I live in the US and would not tolerate her behavior.

WD


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## Nomorebeans

I'm with WD. I live in the US, too, and turning a blind eye to a spouse's carousing until all hours is not the cultural norm, here.

You really deserve so much better. There are plenty of women out there with beautiful minds AND hearts.


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## alte Dame

First, rest assured that you are correct that what she says about marriages in the US is indeed bollocks. Here she would be presented with divorce papers by the vast majority of men, in my opinion.

It sounds like she uses your marriage as a backdrop to her 'fabulous' life. It is perfectly understandable that this makes you miserable. It doesn't honor you or your vows together.

If my husband left for 11 months for any other reason than military commitment, I would divorce him while he was gone.

Free yourself! It may be hard now, but I bet that you will feel relieved very quickly once you make the decision to D.


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## morituri

tigerstyle said:


> I need an out here guys, I fear being on my own more than anything else.


*Why? Open your eyes you've been on your own for a number of years*. The marriage was stillborn from the beginning. It's time for you to give it a proper burial by divorcing the woman who is your wife in name only.


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## Fleur de Cactus

Oh My! I cannot believe it! Your wife is manipulative. SHe is only thinking about herself. When she married you she wanted to avoid responsibilities, as she has excuses of living in 2 countries so she wants to spend her time with you bouncing between 2 countries like ping-pong ball. 

Like others said it here, in USA we let someone at home know where were are at, and let them know " Hey I am on my way". Because not only it is for respect, but it is for safety. At least if something happens, they will not when was the last time they spoke to you. 

Are you sure she does not have a man in US she is playing too? Because leaving you for 11 months is something I cannot understand. Just end your marriage with her. Single people live a happier life than you, so no reasons to stay married to her. 

She is selfish, liar, manipulative, please help yourself and end this marriage, I is not worth.I don't even believe she made that $100,000. She sounds full of lies. By the way i know she is american, but what is her culture of origin? Because it does not sound acceptable when your in-laws are taking her money when they know she is married. Basically they ignore you. They act like you do not exist. You did what you could to please them. Now enough is enough! Divorce her.Good luck.


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## Openminded

People don't change unless they're highly motivated. She isn't. 

Count yourself fortunate she didn't want children. It's time to move on.


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## EleGirl

I don't think you need to wait for your wife to decide to divorce you. She has it pretty much made right now. She has you to support her. She has a home. She does what she wants. Your wife is taking advantage of you and your mother.

Her behavior alone is enough to make you not be the bad guy. Just ask her to leave and file for divorce. Get on with your life.


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## imtamnew

People like you remind me that there are men with weaker spines than my own. 

Stand up for yourself. 

No one else is going to do it for you.


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## aine

You both have your heads stuck in the sand

Tiger: you saw warning signs before your got married but went ahead anyhow, she is now manipulating you and has absolutely no respect for you, comes and goes as she pleases, doesn't help with the house, chores, financially, etc. Spends months away from you, she never really left her parents, supports them financially and seems to be at their bidding. Marriage means you leave your parents and you are with your partner in ALL things, not part time. Things will not change till you put your foot down. 

You have to share everything you have shared with us here and give her an ultimatum, ultimatums are not good, but for self-serving, spoilt people they have to be used sometimes.

Tell her you are no longer willing to live like this (it is obviously affecting you mentally and emotionally). She needs to start acting like a wife and partner (open communication, consideration of your needs, spending time with each other, contributing financially/non financially to the household etc.

She will probably throw a wobbly and blame you etc, be firm and tell her the next step will be divorce, you may even want to consider a MC to work through the issues.

If she is unwilling to move towards you, don't waste any more time, file for divorce.


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## tigerstyle

Thanks guys for your advice. I really want to stress that I do not think that she is a bad person, just someone who is immature and confused and one that hates any form of responsibility.

For further updates:

a) She ended up coming home at 3.30am on Saturday morning. I learnt from a video recording on her iphone that she and her 2 friends walked home at that time of time to her friends house before catching a cab. After she told me it took them an hour to walk there. The cab to our house was less distance from town than her friends - in my 40 years of living in Leicester I have never walked after midnight on that route home as is a crime ridden area but they did, she is a effing barrister and should have more sense.

b) Yesterday when I asked her for the weeks plans so we can plan the week together she told me the following:

i) Tonight after work (5pm) she is going for a coffee with her friend and salsa after (8.30-9.30pm). I said please come home straight after instead of after midnight as her friend would not be doing that if she was married. She said I am wrong and her friend would!!! I stayed quiet.

ii) Tuesday - she is free and will spend time with me. (Bear in mind I get home at 6pm without doubt everyday of the week)

iii) Wednesday - she is going out for a dinner with a male colleague as a team meeting. I thought to myself a team meeting with you and another. She said I could come along knowing very well I would not. She went and said she felt sorry for the guy as he had recently divorced. She did not ask me beforehand about her plans or anything. I stayed quiet and spoke to my family and friends today and as expected I effing have hit the roof but am not saying anything to her. We are indian and therefore have more restrictions than the norm, but in any culture this can not be correct.

iv) Thursday - at home.

v) Friday - out with her friends and does not know what she is going to be back.

vi) Saturday - out with her friends as per last week.

Am I being unreasonable asking her to spend more time with me - I am a director at a business but am home everyday 6pm without doubt to attend homely duties. But she is rarely at home and says Americans are more outgoing than us English born people. I do not mind her going out but it is the fact that she does not tell me when she is getting home as she turns up whenever she wants without answering my calls. 

Like I said before, when I speak to her parents they say I am trying to be controlling, which is funny taking into account that she has spent over 40% of her time with them in the USA. (also because her mum controls her dad and relationship control is literally 99%-1% - never seen anything like it). For example, my mother in law has 6 brothers and 1 sister and she brought them all over from India and my wife did not have a bedroom growing up as literally would have about 15-20 people living there at any one time so it never felt like home so she and her sister left home when they were 18. Her dad protested but her mum who wears the trousers said get divorced if you want to. To this day her parents believe their daughters left home because of opportunities in other states but truthfully they have told me it was because they had no home and were tired of living on sofas in their own home. So when her mum says I am too controlling despite her daughter spending 40% of time in USA and 3/4 of time in UK out and about, it pee s me off. Her mother says there is nothing wrong with her daughter spending 6 months between countries even if we had kids. Problem is not what she is saying as she is crazy, the problem is my wife does whatever her mum says.

Took a break and spoke to my sister (who incidentally left her husband on day 2 of her marriage as it was arranged and he told her he was gay and was forced into marriage by his parents) who is the strongest person I know as she was devastated and came back stronger than ever. She loves my wife too as does everyone in my family as she is the most unselfish person, but even she said there was nothing to be gained in my future by staying with her. Especially because my wife has said she will go to the States as soon as her parents need her and stay with her the living parent without doubt. I believe in the sanctity of marriage and the vows that are taken. She even has health problems, such as fibromiology (wrong spelling), heart arithymea (wrong spelling) and carrictonus (wrong spelling) which means which will with either be in a wheel chair when she is 50, or dead by 60 or blind by 50. That does not bother me as I made a commitment and stand by her 100%. Problem is she stands by me 1% - so many instances where her family have slated me and she has took their side despite telling me afterwards I was right and they were wrong. I am an athlete and have the most able body imaginable but she still acts like she is queen.

According to my sister, I have watched too many english programs on tv and try to be the perfect gentleman, but I am being taken advantage of. My ancestors all fought against the germans and we have medals apparently worth 6 figure sums in our heritage and are one of the most respected families here in the UK. But my wife is totally out of control. I feel as if I am letting god down by divorcing her as I made a vow, but I have tried so much and so hard and have nowhere else to go right now.


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## imtamnew

So you have asked this couple of times.

>Am I being unreasonable asking her to spend more time with me

Has anyone said you are?


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## bandit.45

Sigh....

I dunno....I just don't know....


Tigerstyle, you're not getting it man. You're just not getting what we are telling you.


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## Clay2013

I think you really need to take some time out and see if you really want to spend your life with someone that uses you. She doesn't have to be a mean person to use you but your wrong. Using people does make her a bad person. You are allowing her to abuse you and your marriage. Now don't get me wrong if your happy with that then great but since you came here asking for help I think your not. 

I think I would just politely tell her that she is married and if she wants to stay married the going how and hanging out with friends comes to a stop for a while. If it does not then she can be divorced. If you let her come back on you and say your unreasonable then that is your fault. If you continue to stay with someone that uses you then you only have yourself to blame. 

She is never going to really get it until you show her that her behavior is unacceptable to you. 

Clay


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## scatty

Read the replies again. I have not been through something like this, but if I behaved like your wife, my hubby would be long gone. Why do you put up with such abuse is the question you might want to explore in IC.


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## Lostinthought61

I honestly don't think you know what it means to be a real man....you are a doormat allowing her to come and go as she pleases....seriously you need to ask your wife for your balls back because apparently your missing them....LISTEN to what these posters are telling you...or shut up or continue to live your life.


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## morituri

I'm beginning to suspect that you are addicted to the drama and the attention you get by allowing yourself to play the victim. I'm afraid that there is nothing left to say to you but goodbye and good luck.


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## life_huppens

tigerstyle said:


> Thanks guys for your advice. I really want to stress that I do not think that she is a bad person, just someone who is immature and confused and one that hates any form of responsibility.
> 
> For further updates:
> 
> a) She ended up coming home at 3.30am on Saturday morning. I learnt from a video recording on her iphone that she and her 2 friends walked home at that time of time to her friends house before catching a cab. After she told me it took them an hour to walk there. The cab to our house was less distance from town than her friends - in my 40 years of living in Leicester I have never walked after midnight on that route home as is a crime ridden area but they did, she is a effing barrister and should have more sense.
> 
> b) Yesterday when I asked her for the weeks plans so we can plan the week together she told me the following:
> 
> i) Tonight after work (5pm) she is going for a coffee with her friend and salsa after (8.30-9.30pm). I said please come home straight after instead of after midnight as her friend would not be doing that if she was married. She said I am wrong and her friend would!!! I stayed quiet.
> 
> ii) Tuesday - she is free and will spend time with me. (Bear in mind I get home at 6pm without doubt everyday of the week)
> 
> iii) Wednesday - she is going out for a dinner with a male colleague as a team meeting. I thought to myself a team meeting with you and another. She said I could come along knowing very well I would not. She went and said she felt sorry for the guy as he had recently divorced. She did not ask me beforehand about her plans or anything. I stayed quiet and spoke to my family and friends today and as expected I effing have hit the roof but am not saying anything to her. We are indian and therefore have more restrictions than the norm, but in any culture this can not be correct.
> 
> iv) Thursday - at home.
> 
> v) Friday - out with her friends and does not know what she is going to be back.
> 
> vi) Saturday - out with her friends as per last week.
> 
> Am I being unreasonable asking her to spend more time with me - I am a director at a business but am home everyday 6pm without doubt to attend homely duties. But she is rarely at home and says Americans are more outgoing than us English born people. I do not mind her going out but it is the fact that she does not tell me when she is getting home as she turns up whenever she wants without answering my calls.
> 
> Like I said before, when I speak to her parents they say I am trying to be controlling, which is funny taking into account that she has spent over 40% of her time with them in the USA. (also because her mum controls her dad and relationship control is literally 99%-1% - never seen anything like it). For example, my mother in law has 6 brothers and 1 sister and she brought them all over from India and my wife did not have a bedroom growing up as literally would have about 15-20 people living there at any one time so it never felt like home so she and her sister left home when they were 18. Her dad protested but her mum who wears the trousers said get divorced if you want to. To this day her parents believe their daughters left home because of opportunities in other states but truthfully they have told me it was because they had no home and were tired of living on sofas in their own home. So when her mum says I am too controlling despite her daughter spending 40% of time in USA and 3/4 of time in UK out and about, it pee s me off. Her mother says there is nothing wrong with her daughter spending 6 months between countries even if we had kids. Problem is not what she is saying as she is crazy, the problem is my wife does whatever her mum says.
> 
> Took a break and spoke to my sister (who incidentally left her husband on day 2 of her marriage as it was arranged and he told her he was gay and was forced into marriage by his parents) who is the strongest person I know as she was devastated and came back stronger than ever. She loves my wife too as does everyone in my family as she is the most unselfish person, but even she said there was nothing to be gained in my future by staying with her. Especially because my wife has said she will go to the States as soon as her parents need her and stay with her the living parent without doubt. I believe in the sanctity of marriage and the vows that are taken. She even has health problems, such as fibromiology (wrong spelling), heart arithymea (wrong spelling) and carrictonus (wrong spelling) which means which will with either be in a wheel chair when she is 50, or dead by 60 or blind by 50. That does not bother me as I made a commitment and stand by her 100%. Problem is she stands by me 1% - so many instances where her family have slated me and she has took their side despite telling me afterwards I was right and they were wrong. I am an athlete and have the most able body imaginable but she still acts like she is queen.
> 
> According to my sister, I have watched too many english programs on tv and try to be the perfect gentleman, but I am being taken advantage of. My ancestors all fought against the germans and we have medals apparently worth 6 figure sums in our heritage and are one of the most respected families here in the UK. But my wife is totally out of control. I feel as if I am letting god down by divorcing her as I made a vow, but I have tried so much and so hard and have nowhere else to go right now.


So, what are you trying to do? In my pass days, I had more face time with my long distance girfriend than you are getting from your "wife" when she lives with you. 
With all due respect, you got a very good advice from many people on this site, who knows what they are talking about. Just file for D and be done with it. Stop making excuses for her. Obviously, she does not treat you well as a husband. What are you afraid for? Technically you are already along, so D will only improve your situation. Listen, The longer you stay the more time you are losing. We do not getting younger with time. Just do it already.


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## life_huppens

morituri said:


> I'm beginning to suspect that you are addicted to the drama and the attention you get by allowing yourself to play the victim. I'm afraid that there is nothing left to say to you but goodbye and good luck.


I am second this.
I guess she got the better end of the deal. She can claim she is married, and still live her life as single. Or perhaps he also likes this arrangement except when she is over, he would like to spend more time with her. Otherwise, I have no idea what is going on in his head.


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## Fleur de Cactus

life_huppens said:


> I am second this.
> I guess she got the better end of the deal. She can claim she is married, and still live her life as single. Or perhaps he also likes this arrangement except when she is over, he would like to spend more time with her. Otherwise, I have no idea what is going on in his head.


That is right, based on what he told us, he is living a single life when he is married. He came here for advices and I don't see that he is willing to change anything. I guess he likes to provide a temporary stay for his wife while she is having fun with her friends until she returns back home in US. Just like tourists do. I think there are other reasons he does not tell us since he finds this living arrangement, and his wife's attitudes not strange. He is going to wait until she goes back to her parents then he will do something. Anyway good luck man.


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## happyman64

tiger

My American wife would be very jealous of your wife's fun, social calendar.

Don't worry about God right now just worry about yourself.

Your wife seems so selfish and she is taking advantage of you.

When do you say enough is enough?

HM'


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## tigerstyle

Hi guys. Thought I would give you an update. Tonight wife spoke to me and said she was leaving, mainly because her elderly parents needed her in the States and she was in such a tough situation. We didn't argue and I supported her decision.

Not going to lie, but it feels lonely all of a sudden!! But it is for the best all around.

She said she would like to stay another two weeks to do all she needs to do etc which I said was fine. I don't think under the process of divorce we will argue, it doesn't hurt to be nice. 

Off to the gym in less than five hours when it opens, going to keep positive and make sure I look after myself.


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## tigerstyle

Ok guys now I need advice. 

Wife has agreed a date she will be leaving in a couple of weeks time. She seems happier now than I have ever seen her. She says she is leaving when she is as she wants to spend some time with me before she leaves and has suggested a mini holiday together. 

The problem is she keeps saying she loves me and keeps on kissing me. She also asked me this morning to go and buy condoms!!!!

I just don't get it. This seems very bizarre to me. Extra time. Sex. Doesn't make sense when she seems so happy about going back to the states.

We told my mum yesterday and both mum and wife were in tears and mum said just be happy and if she needed anything ever to let her know. Wife said she wishes she could take mum with her - they have had a great relationship over the years as mum has let wife make all household decisions without question and never asked her to do any house work at all , all the down to washing dishes albeit I have to lol. Mum has always made our bedroom too and wife has never had to lift a finger. Mum said to me last night that wife had it so good here but took it for granted and her future will make her realise a reality check and she will regret everything she's done. Mum has also said she's going to pay for her ticket back to the states and shipping of her goods separately and wants to pay for a car In the states to help her get her move forward.

Wife is totally detached emotionally from this relatonship. What has angered me and made my blood boil is a text I read on her phone (secretly) where her sister is saying how can my wife live with herself knowing her parents can't drive now and need help. Thing is her sister lives 15 mins away and refuses to move in and help her parents yet she seems to put pressure on my wife to come and take care of things. Am effing fuming. My mum agreed with me this morning the pressure she has been getting re her parents has been a massive factor. 

Question is what do I make if all these contradicting signs . Wife keeps saying she loves me and wants to be my best friend going forward . I mean she has always been secretive in our marriage and says she won't as a friend. 

My sister says I'm a mug as wife is silent but deadly and I need to break off all contact and just move on. Is it ok to stay friends or not?


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## imtamnew

I think she wants to retain control on your life.


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## Marduk

tigerstyle said:


> Ok guys now I need advice.
> 
> Wife has agreed a date she will be leaving in a couple of weeks time. She seems happier now than I have ever seen her. She says she is leaving when she is as she wants to spend some time with me before she leaves and has suggested a mini holiday together.
> 
> The problem is she keeps saying she loves me and keeps on kissing me. She also asked me this morning to go and buy condoms!!!!
> 
> I just don't get it. This seems very bizarre to me. Extra time. Sex. Doesn't make sense when she seems so happy about going back to the states.
> 
> We told my mum yesterday and both mum and wife were in tears and mum said just be happy and if she needed anything ever to let her know. Wife said she wishes she could take mum with her - they have had a great relationship over the years as mum has let wife make all household decisions without question and never asked her to do any house work at all , all the down to washing dishes albeit I have to lol. Mum has always made our bedroom too and wife has never had to lift a finger. Mum said to me last night that wife had it so good here but took it for granted and her future will make her realise a reality check and she will regret everything she's done. Mum has also said she's going to pay for her ticket back to the states and shipping of her goods separately and wants to pay for a car In the states to help her get her move forward.
> 
> Wife is totally detached emotionally from this relatonship. What has angered me and made my blood boil is a text I read on her phone (secretly) where her sister is saying how can my wife live with herself knowing her parents can't drive now and need help. Thing is her sister lives 15 mins away and refuses to move in and help her parents yet she seems to put pressure on my wife to come and take care of things. Am effing fuming. My mum agreed with me this morning the pressure she has been getting re her parents has been a massive factor.
> 
> Question is what do I make if all these contradicting signs . Wife keeps saying she loves me and wants to be my best friend going forward . I mean she has always been secretive in our marriage and says she won't as a friend.
> 
> My sister says I'm a mug as wife is silent but deadly and I need to break off all contact and just move on. Is it ok to stay friends or not?


It means she wants to go have sex with someone else and friendzone you so you're not a pain in the ass about it and she doesn't have to feel guilty.


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## Tall

Too many words. Not enough action.

There's plenty of useful advice here, but you need to apply it.


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## toonaive

No children? Yes, go ahead and file for divorce. End this charade, you are being used.


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## Fleur de Cactus

You were living a single life while married to her, you are not losing anything really when she goes back to US. Divorce her and find a real wife. Good luck.


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