# Married with an Autistic Spectrum Disorder.



## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Would anyone be interested in a discussion on being married to someone with an ASD?

I'm pre-diagnosis, suspected Asperger's or PDD-NOS - waiting for diagnostic test.

My H and I have had a lot of issues before I figured out this might be what has been wrong with me all my life (I'm 40).

I wondered if other people might like to share stories.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I would be interested to hear your story....why at 40 did you decide to get evaluated? Issues you had educational wise, relationships, friendships,etc.
My son is on the spectrum, PDD-nos.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Well, I'd never married before, never even lived with anyone before so I guess I'd grown used to myself and living with my own little eccentricities. I always felt I was fine - it was everyone else that was the problem.

Always struggled with work, people, relationships, friends; never really knew why. Was quite despondent at times and low self-esteem, wondering what was wrong with me.

Then when I met my H all was wonderful. We fell for each other pretty hard, but I did always put off living with him as the thought of moving out of my home was terrifying, especially into the house he had shared with his first wife. He tried to sell his house so we could buy one together, but he couldn't.

So in the end we had no choice. I moved in a month before the wedding.

It was always stressful, although he coped quite well with me taking over his house and moving all his stuff - better than I would have done. But the main problems came when we argued, which we did quite frequently.

I was never fully aware of how annoying someone with an ASD can be - I was just being myself as far as I knew. Added to that a man with anger issues he had never realised or addressed, and you have a very volatile situation.

We argued a LOT, about silly things. We had no clue about how to deal with conflict. He would never tell me what I'd done to upset him this time - all I ever got was "Well, if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you." To which I responded, quite logically, "Well, if you don't tell me, how will I know?"

After one particularly bad blowout, which resulted in me screaming at him to get out and leave me alone, I went on the computer and looked up ways to deal with anger management - for myself.

One link led to another and I found myself reading about Asperger's and thinking it sounded very much like me.

He had little patience for mental issues and initially refused even to accept that I might have something like this. His typical response would be "You could be normal if you tried - you just can't be bothered." As I read, I realised that he too had issues and tried to talk to him about them.

Our marriage got rockier. He was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. Last summer I told him I wanted a divorce and that I was moving out. He went all the phases of pushing me away, saying he didn't care, trying to persuade me to reconsider. Nothing worked. I'd seen it all before. But virtually on the day I was moving out he said that if he sought help for his anger problems, would I reconsider the divorce?

I thought about it, and agreed, but I was still moving out.

So, we said that maybe we could continue being in a relationship, but in separate houses, like before I moved in. But I told him I expected fidelity. We were still married and still in a committed relationship.

He agreed, but what I didn't know was that virtually the moment I moved out he jumped on dating sites and started looking elsewhere. He ended up having two physical affairs between the months of September 2012 and January 2013, along with half a dozen dates with other women.

I found out about these affairs in March and May of this year.

That was what brought me to this site - his affairs - and I am a regular poster in the CWI section for advice on how to deal with that.

But we are trying for Reconciliation. We are going to MC, he is having IC for his anger issues and I am going for my ASD - I will hopefully be having a diagnostic test in September. I scored highly on the AQ - 37 - but the woman wasn't sure if I fit all the categories for Asperger's, so I might get lumped in with all the others in the PDD-NOS box where they're not quite sure where to put you. I never struggled educationally.

But if we live together again, we are going to have to address the issues we had before, that my ASD and his AM clashing together causes friction between us.

So I was wondering how others with ASD spouses cope, and whether anyone had any insights for my H and I as to how to handle me


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Whoops - just realised I never actually answered your question, why did I decide to get evaluated.

Well, really to see if I have an ASD, to prove to my H that I have it, and help him to see that there's nothing I can do about it.

But also to see if there IS something I can do about it, if you know what I mean, to recognise those behaviours that seem normal to me, but that are so irritating to him. Maybe I can learn to tone them down a bit, or maybe he can learn to be a little more accepting. Or maybe something in the middle.

And also to access counselling on the NHS to help as well, and any other benefits of getting a formal diagnosis.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

Hi 

Stuff that might be helpful is bolded. 

Well, my wife and I married about a decade ago. And, bear in mind that autism is a pretty generic disorder - with a lot of potentially different characteristics, so, your mileage will vary. Some Aspies are introverts and some are extroverts. The extroverts tend to suffer more. Also, bear in mind that autism is a spectrum disorder - which means that there's no clear cutoff, just a diagnostic guideline which basically translates into 'is this giving you trouble?' 

Simple classifications:
(elevated/lessened emotionality, lessened empathy, decreased executive functioning, social awkwardness, rigidity)

I've always assumed that I was fairly Aspie, but am generically happy with life. My wife's friends hinted that she had a history of unhappiness. She admitted that her parents never got along well.

We fought a lot - she'd suddenly get unhappy for no apparent reason and start talking about divorce. And, we'd have endless discussions where I never seemed to hear her properly.

Then, she got depressed, and started sleeping all day.

I got her a cat, and later a dog, and found a therapist, and a psychiatrist - who kept on adding new pills and dosages until she was basically a zombie. Nothing helped. Frankly, she got better after she stopped seeing that guy - who I think was just honestly trying everything he knew. I ignored her and just tried to get through the day. (just didn't know what to do)

We went through a few marriage counselors - but the communication was so poor, and my wife so obnoxious, that they mostly started yelling at her and refusing to see us.

The arguments started escalating...originally verbally abusive...eventually to the point where she was beating me with a plastic bat in front of our child.

I warned her, then called the police. She threatened the arresting officer. And ended up with felony charges. I was planning on divorce at this point. (Had a lawyer...) She asked for a chance - told me she suspected BPD - and started therapy. She, after many misadventures, found a good therapist and a somewhat decent *DBT group* - excellent training for Aspies.

And we did marriage counseling too.

The marriage counseling was strange. She spent 90% of the time blaming me for the oddest things. She was messy - because I didn't instantly clean up. (...even though I wasn't home during the day...) She didn't play with our children (...even though I did...) because I was too anti-social. She was obsessed by how I didn't pay attention to sound and volume...and felt that the rest of the family not tiptoing until noon, when she woke, was evidence of medical problems on our part. She would hide away watching period films all evening - because I wasn't forcing her to spend time with me. And, she couldn't seem to understand any sort of response unless I parroted, nearly exactly, and using the same words, anything she said. She was fat, because I didn't make her exercise. (not because she slept all day and ate all night, trying to fall back asleep)

Our MCs eventually weren't willing to listen to her any more.

...we tried a *'Mastering the Mysteries of Love'* course, which helped - amazingly useful free nonviolent communication course - often help at local churches.

...but my wife remained obsessed with having me acknowledge that the reason she behaved so oddly was because I was autistic.

...so, I suggested attending an Aspie self-help group - and we went over a bunch of books on Aspergers. She noticed that she fit the books better than I did.

...when we went to the group...she fit in really, really well - and started shaking and crying - and realized she'd found her people. Even met another woman with a similar history who'd gotten a lot out of DBT.

...this made a lot of sense, as personality disorders mostly don't include tendencies towards sensory overload or deadly honesty. And her level of empathy was low and scarily inconsistent. (Never would have expected to have a spouse be (a) genuinely surprised and (b) genuinely apologetic when she finally found out that hitting someone with a bat would hurt their feelings.) It appears that she dealt with her autism by explaining to herself that everyone else was crazy.

...things are still difficult. But better.

+...she's stopped with the endless conversations where she tries to have me explain how I'm forcing her to be odd. 
+...she's still working on the DBT, which helps with her anxiety (a really, really common co-morbidity - the BPD is less so, with only a ?5-10x? incidence increase.)
+...she's studying for careers that actually make sense.
+...and she's even stopped screaming about how everyone who wakes her up is autistic after I gave her the speech on how an inability to filter sensory input is a key characteristic of autism. *Headphones really help*, btw. So does *copious childcare* and *scheduled alone time*.

-...executive functioning is hard for her...so she sleeps in...rarely cleans...and just can't watch children for extended times.
-...people still scare her.
-...that bit - where someone really gets you and empathizes...that isn't going to happen with my wife. It is lonely.
-...I'm slightly worried...as the part where you stop talking and help someone who's collapsed on the floor moaning doesn't come naturally to her. I'm not sure she'd call the doctor before I died if I was ever seriously ill.

...so we work on coping. The autism itself isn't so hard - though I sometimes need to intercede with the children. Every day she gets closer to accepting who she is makes things easier. I'm learning to do some preemptive soothing about the stuff that worries her. And, *exercise helps*. *She's back on a few medications - mostly for anxiety - and they're actually helpful.* (except clona... which just made her suicidally depressed and homicidal)

The other thing that has helped is just me accepting that she's *very afraid of behaving oddly, and also unable to behave in a normal fashion.* So, I've started reminding her to bathe, comb her hair, and make eye contact occasionally.

We're currently revisiting some of the Asperger's books, and also gradually working though a *social skills training book*. I'm trying to declutter our lives, but she's a bit of a hoarder so, eh, not much progress yet - but I think it would help.

--Argyle


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Wow - I've read that several times. There were a few things that reminded me of my H - he also thought he might have BPD at one point.

Even my ASD therapist suggested he might be Aspie from things I said about him, but he did the Aspie quiz and came out firmly NT.

I struggle with the empathy thing. If someone hurts themselves mostly I want to laugh. Except for small children, for some reason. I'm ok with them - a hug and a kiss and a 'there there' always works. but I have no clue how to handle older kids and adults. I can offer practical help, washing cuts, putting band-aids on and taking someone to the hopita if necessary, but sympathy - not so much. I want to feel it, but mostly I don't know what to say beyond "Aw - poor baby" - literally, that is the ONLY phrase in my sympathy arsenal.

I'm hoping this is something I can get help with.

Other things I have been criticised for include: inappropriate behaviour, being embarrassing, being deliberately and maliciously literal - which I do sometimes do. It's a punishment to the person for not asking the 'right' question. I figure that if they want the answer they're looking for, they should ask the right question. So I answer the question they are actually asking, even if I know damn well that isn't what they mean. It's like a compulsion. But then other times, I honestly, genuinely have no idea what they really mean. And that leads to problems because, as my H points out quite reasonably, how is he supposed to know which is which?

So I have to work on the deliberately literal thing - but it's so dang hard!

I'm also bad at cleaning and very messy. I procrastinate for fun.

It's very hard finding out that what you thought were just normal things are actually very annoying. The realisation that I wasn't perfect was humbling. And yes, I'm deadly serious.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

Regarding sympathy, we've had a modest amount of success with some books on dealing with autism. Agreed upon response procedures can help...like...
1. If Argyle collapses on the floor and doesn't get up for > 60 seconds:
Stop talking.
Say: 'Are you ok. Do you need help?'
If you forget, Argyle should, if possible, say: 'Remember, if people are in too much pain to move, stop talking and ask.'

Emotional flashcards can help. (my mood is red (run), yellow (upset), green (ok).)

But, the bigger point is just the spouse accepting that, while a remarkable person in many ways, sympathy isn't your strong point - so don't expect sympathy and spell out what you need.

For inappropriate behavior/embarrassment, my take on it is that, particularly in unfamiliar social situations, reminders from the spouse are more likely to work than anything else. (you'd change it if you could, though written lists may help.)

Meh. The literal stuff...neither of us can really help it, particularly if we're tired. Texting/emailing arguments has been somewhat helpful. So has saying '#$% it, I'm literal-minded.' Are you actually maliciously literal, or do you just think, '$#@ it, I'm too tired to figure out what they actually want?' The books we've read just recommend the NT partner spelling things out very literally.

Oh, and, um, y'know what looks like BPD/autism?...NPD. Um. There's co-morbidity there too. Extreme reactions to criticism, impaired empathy, and a tendency towards verbal abuse are common markers. So are PAs. And constant criticism. Sensory overload would probably be inconsistent with PDs, overall.

Bear in mind also that personality disorders also exist on a spectrum - ranging from 'just a bit neurotic' to 'edge away slowly from the serial killer'. So, even if your husband resembles a BPD or an NPD, that doesn't necessarily mean that the most appropriate move is running like jiggity. OTOH, not out of the question, necessarily. Depends on the magnitude.

It is a good idea to accept that you have a bunch of annoying traits and try fixing them. However, if you do have Asperger's, there is a lot you can't be expected to change. And, if your husband is unwilling or unable to accept your differences, this may not be a good situation for you. You may be wise to decides what you're willing/able to change and what you're willing to live with.

--Argyle


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Sometimes, yeah, I can be maliciously literal. Especially if I'm already annoyed.



> Oh, and, um, y'know what looks like BPD/autism?...NPD. Um. There's co-morbidity there too. Extreme reactions to criticism, impaired empathy, and a tendency towards verbal abuse are common markers. So are PAs. And constant criticism.


My H is two men. One of them is wonderful - I'm totally in love with this one. The other is Mr. Nasty. I hate him. He does all those things. Mostly he is the nice one, but when Mr. Nasty comes along, he is so horrible and cruel and sarcastic, I can't bear to be with him. One thing he has never been is violent. His anger comes out in words.



> However, if you do have Asperger's, there is a lot you can't be expected to change. And, if your husband is unwilling or unable to accept your differences, this may not be a good situation for you. You may be wise to decides what you're willing/able to change and what you're willing to live with.


Things have improved lately. When I found out about the first A, we had a go at R, but it wasn't working because he was still lying to me. For someone who has little empathy, I'm surprisingly good at picking up when someone is lying to me. Since the first tricklings of this came out last November "It's only texting - she's just a friend - honest") everything that I thought in my head was a lie, and told myself that I was being paranoid, turned out to be a lie. Everything.

So since D-day 1 I was still getting that gut feeling, which harmed our R.

Since D-day 2 - which was in May - he has been a different person. He has done everything I have asked of him. He has consciously a noticeably tried to control his negative emotions, even when I haven't managed to control mine. He has done everything in the R I asked him to do first time round - even though he refused first time round.

I am cautiously optimistic that he is genuinely trying to change. He talks to me about times when he has found himself getting angry and told me that is trying to examine the reason WHY xyz annoys him so much.

I'm still terrified of moving in with him again. I'm scared that it won't last, that once we are together, he will lapse and things will go back to the way they were, and I will have to leave again.

He says that won't happen. He says he doesn't want things to go back to the way they were - it was horrible for both of us.

But the only way to truly test whether we can live together again - is to live together again.

But if I can be aware of my own behaviour and what I do that sets him off - AND he can be aware enough to be able to point this out to me in a calm and loving way, rather than biting my head off - then if I can learn to adapt my behaviour in any way, I have to. I have to help too. It wasn't just him. (It was mainly him, but not just him.)


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Haven't read your thread yet, but your original post triggered a memory. Might be relevant/interesting:

Play the Part | This American Life (specifically Act 2 "Wife Lessons").

The husband from Act 2 of that TAL episode wrote a book:
Amazon.com: The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband eBook: David Finch: Kindle Store


Also, why searching for the links, I came across this, which I haven't listened to yet, but will:

Undiagnosed Asperger's Leads To 'Life As An Outsider' : NPR


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

@regarding literalness
Sometimes, it can help to stop before you speak and write something down. Not always.
It can also help to film and review arguments to better understand how the conversations go wrong.

@regarding husbands...

My main contribution to R/S dysfunction was not so much being annoying as it was tolerating abuse - this wasn't just feedback from my wife, but from our MCs.

It also helped us a bit for me to show more emotion when we argue* - as I tend to go pokerface in intense discussions and she tends to feel rejected. Apparently a common problem in many marriages.

Would you say he was more terrified of abandonment or of people doubting his competence? Or neither? When, how quickly, and how long does he do the Nasty/Nice thing?

Anyways, 'The Emotionally Abusive Relationship' is a decent book. So is, 'Boundaries' (Townsend) (_not Whit?something?_, unless you like reading about psychics...)

It seems like you're on a decent track already.

I found that the most effective way of dealing with abuse involved predictable responses.

(verbal->warning, apology required)
(n warnings->discussion over)
(physical->leaving)
(bruises->police)...she calmed down a lot after the arrest.

'The Wizard of Oz, and other Narcissists' is the best book I've found on NPD (not that great...). Bear in mind that, given that he's actually in counseling, it is pretty improbable that he's actually NPD. He might have a few NPD traits. Bear in mind that change is always hard.

I've also had a bit of luck scheduling time for abusive narcissistic tirades. (which often follow direct criticism from me...) Y'know, there's never a good time, but 10 AM on a Saturday with the kids elsewhere is better than other times. And, even if she wanders off screaming abuse, she tends to respond afterwards.

OTOH, we never had to deal with any sort of dishonesty or affairs. Hard to trust after that sort of thing. 

It wouldn't hurt to maintain separate places for a while. Maybe a year.

--Argyle
*This is still hard for me. It is much easier for me to speak logically and calmly and distantly than to call someone loudly on their BS while still remaining respectful. It is a balancing act, and I tend to fall off on one side of the fence or another. With my wife, it turns out that tilting away from the respectful side is more effective. The bright side is that, if I veer into speaking abusively, she'll call me on it pretty instantly.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

argyle said:


> @regarding literalness
> Sometimes, it can help to stop before you speak and write something down. Not always.
> It can also help to film and review arguments to better understand how the conversations go wrong.


But would you argue the same as usual if you knew you were being recorded? The act of observing changes that which is being observed, and all that. I have said that we need someone neutral watcing us argue as we tend to remember it from our own POVs.



> @regarding husbands...
> 
> My main contribution to R/S dysfunction was not so much being annoying as it was tolerating abuse - this wasn't just feedback from my wife, but from our MCs.


One of my WH's problems was that he never would accept that what he was doing was abusive. When I told him it was, I was dismissed.

He does now, and we are working on it. 



> It also helped us a bit for me to show more emotion when we argue* - as I tend to go pokerface in intense discussions and she tends to feel rejected. Apparently a common problem in many marriages.


Yes, I tend to revert to extreme logic and I have a pathooigical avoidance of any kind of conflict. If an argument cannot be resolved logically, or if he is refusing to bow to my logic, then I just shut down. But he has admitted that when he is annoyed, his brain seems not to be able to process what he wants to say and it comes out wrong. Then when I point out the logical inconsistencies in his arguments, it just gets him even more riled.



> Would you say he was more terrified of abandonment or of people doubting his competence? Or neither? When, how quickly, and how long does he do the Nasty/Nice thing?


He has an intense need to be right. Even when he is demonstably incorrect, he still won't admit it, which then frustrates ME. I think he does also have a fear of abandonment. His first wife left him, his sons rejected him. I left him. So now that we are trying again, I need to tread carefully as he will tend to pre-emptively piush me away before I have a chance to reject him again.

Haven't seen Mr Nasty for a while. But when he did come around, it was pretty much as soon as we began arguing. It would start with that cold, dismissive look in his eyes - as if I was dog [email protected] on his shoe. Then once Mr Nasty was in the house, there was no reasoning with him, and no getting away from him, he would say all the horrible things that came into his head, with no filter between brain and mouth. Nothing I tried worked, not nicing him out of it, not ignoring it, not reasoning with him. Even when I got upset and started to cry, that made things worse - he despised me for crying. And then when I finally, eventually lost my own temper and lashed out at him, he was fully vindicated as that just proved that I was no better than he was.

He generally hung around for a day or two, not nasty the whole time, but cold and unresponsive.

But he is working on that - as I said, Mr Nasty hasn't been around for a while now.



> I found that the most effective way of dealing with abuse involved predictable responses.
> 
> (verbal->warning, apology required)
> (n warnings->discussion over)
> ...


God, he would never apologise! He never got physical though.

He used to say that sorry was just a word and it was meaningless.

For me, I ONLY apologise if I actually mean it. Otherwise it's pointless.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Robsia and Argyle,

Just wanted to say thanks for your sharing. Parts of it are sounding familiar to me.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

@literalness
Well, that's two experiments then. See, my wife is/was crazy enough that being recorded or having a MC in the room resulted in qualitatively similar behavior. But, if arguments go better with a camera in the room...that's such an easy solution.  And, if not...well, at least you can review what's happening. Texting really works well if you can get your spouse to buy into it.

@husbands

Good news.

@emotion

My wife has eventually requested that, if I'm shutting down, that I tell her and give her a reminder that she should think a bit.

Something like: 'Feeling overwhelmed, shutting down now.' or 'What can I do right now?'

Seems to help a bit.

@nasty

I've met Mr. Nasty's sister. On one hand, it is important to understand that he is probably reacting defensively to shield himself from feelings of inadequacy or invalidation. There's a lot of pain behind that sort of behavior. On the other hand, it is important to avoid reinforcing abusive behavior. Or indirectly participating in it...eg...malicious literalism.

For us, it was also important to understand that it wasn't healthy to avoid Mrs. Nasty. Criticism tends to bring her out. And, sometimes, people need feedback. Occasionally being critical had two bonuses. (1) Actual communication (good if the spouse knows why you're angry) and minor behavior modification (but hard to change anyways) and (2) Understanding that Mrs. Nasty is just crazy - which seemed to help with therapy.

More to the point, my wife is mentally ill and tends towards abusive behavior. However, for a long period, she got worse the longer she was with me. A certain amount of proactive boundary maintenance helped a lot.

Best wishes. 

--Argyle


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Love this post,I can relate although I didn't know what was up with me until my son got diagnosed. I was thinking some behavior was normal as I do it.
I have some traits but I managed to come this far in my life without a diagnosis I don't see the point now.

Im very literal that's probably a major weakness, I also have to smell everything even if I know it's going to smell bad , sound hurts me, especially in my shoulders. I do have empathy, I'm severely dyslexic, I'm very into routine, I hate being around too many people. I'm blunt, very blunt.

My husband has helped me do much. I never felt part of society, he's helped me understand many things about human behavior.

We work things out by avoiding indirect phrases or sarcasm. He also knows to ask for things directly instead of hinting. I also have learned to ask for clarification.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Had an appt with my ASD therapist today. I told her that our MC wouldn't see us together until I had a diagnosis, as that would inform the advice she gave us.

Guess what - she bumped me up the list. I didn't even have to ask!

So now there is a diagnostic interview booked with my parents on 13th August! It's quite bizarre to think they're going to be sitting in my living room talking about me. But at least hopefully we will get some answers.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Well, I had my test.

She has verbally confirmed I have Asperger's. My written report will follow in about three weeks.

Unfortunately, my WH's psychiatrist appt was cancelled and has been rescheduled for October, and the MC said she wouldn't see us together till he had his sh!t sorted too. It didn't matter as his was only a week before mine, but now it does.

Grr!

We've been okay lately. Ups and downs, but more ups than downs. He still does insist on pushing me away when we have a down. He says "Well, if you feel that way we may as well just call it quits." then he waits for me to tell him that I don't want to.

Last time he did it I told him that if he genuinely wanted out, I wouldn't stop him. I would give him a divorce if that's what he wanted. But, if he didn't want it, then he was to stop bloody well saying it!

After we both cried for a bit, I asked him why he said it.

He said sometimes it just seems easier to end it. Of course it's bloody easier. No one said Reconciliation was the easy option. But I can't do it on my own.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I hope you can work it out with your husband., How was the test? What kind of questions did they ask? Who diagnosed you? As in credentials.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...best wishes...and congratulations.

It may be that persistence is something you can bring to your marriage. I believe it is an underrated virtue.  Although, that isn't the same as doing it all on your own.

--Argyle


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm an unconfirmed aspie. My 13 year old son just recently got the official diagnosis.

That said I'd have a hard time with your husband.

I've been married for 22 years but he's always nice, calm and passive.

I'm a mixed bag of mental issues. The shorter list would be what I'm not. I'm not a narcissist nor am I bipolar but everything else is fair game. Lol. My official diagnosis is PTSD with anxiety and depression.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

mablenc said:


> I hope you can work it out with your husband.


Me too 



> How was the test?


It was okay - a little weird.



> What kind of questions did they ask?


It was actually my parents they asked most of the questions to during the official test, called the DISCO. Apparently the age they concentrate on is about 4-5 years as children move from home to school, as that's when oddities in social behaviour emerge. So my parents and the ASD therapist sat downstairs in my living room talking about me while I sat upstairs and tried to work. They did ask me to fill in a few gaps that my parents either couldn't remember or didn't know. Prior to the official test, she did do some questionnaires with me, such as the AQ test and an empathy test. She said the results of those were in line with what she would expect from a female with Aspies. I guess if they hadn't been, she would not have performed the official test, as there would have been no point.



> Who diagnosed you? As in credentials.


I actually don't know what her credentials are. I went to my GP and asked for a referral, and I was sent to see this lady who works in the mental health department. She apparently does all the autistic/Asperger's stuff in the local area. I didn't ask what her credentials were. I'm guessing she is suitably qualified or she wouldn't be doing it


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## kramlat (Aug 17, 2013)

Robsia said:


> Would anyone be interested in a discussion on being married to someone with an ASD?
> 
> I'm pre-diagnosis, suspected Asperger's or PDD-NOS - waiting for diagnostic test.
> 
> ...


I too have Autism (sometimes they even say aspberger's, but the latest, PDD/NOS). Communication can be very tough for our kind, but not impossible. I say take initiative of your life. Whatever communication skills you don't have now, can be learned if you put effort into it, just beware that childrearing might be a challenge.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

kramlat said:


> ...just beware that childrearing might be a challenge.


In what way?

I have two children and whilst I think being an Aspie has affected my parenting in some minor ways, on the whole I think I'm a pretty good mum. The worst thing is having to make small talk with the other parents in the school playground waiting to pick them up.

Happy day when my eldest was finally old enough to walk home by herself! Which was as early as I felt it was safe for her to do so!!


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

I think it depends a lot on the parent and the child. I haven't had many issues, although our child is extremely social, so it can be hard to get time alone. Babysitters help.

OTOH, my wife has executive functioning issues that result in a significantly unhygenic household. That isn't so bad, although I have noticed that food pickiness seems to be a survival trait.

She also has trouble multitasking, and our child can overwhelm her to the point where she has trouble functioning (and starts dropping stuff and accidentally burning herself.) Nothing deliberate - just really can't cope and is naturally clumsy.

Lastly, low empathy can be problematic. I've had _a lot_ of conversations involving hurt feelings.

--Argyle


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

butterscotch - which bits do you find the hardest? I'm okay until we argue, then it all falls apart.

We had a breakthrough the other day. He'd said something which I thought was unfair, and I went off on one saying how unfair I thought it was when Id done this that and the other for him. He patiently waited till I'd finished, and then gently explained that he was only joking and that he hadn't meant it.

So I sort of said "Oh," and he hugged me.

Before my diagnosis, he probably would have been highly offended that I'd taken him seriously, "How could you really think that of me" etc etc. So that was a step forward.

I find the literalness the hardest thing. If someone says something but means something else, even when they have explained what they really meant, it's like I get stuck in a loop of "But that isn't what you SAID." I can't seem to make my brain move on from that.

Re: the kids. I do get irritated when everyone wants to be in the kitchen at the same time when I'm busy. I hate taking them shopping with me to the supermarket. I'm not very good at tidying up so the house is messy a lot of the time and yet at the same time, mess stresses me out. I like things to be tidy, but the process of tidying is stressful. I need a cleaner.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I love the positive 'feels' - the happy times I just want to go on forever. But I struggle with the negative feels. I just want to put my hands over my ears and wish them all away.


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