# Ejaculation vs erection....



## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

I moved out last week, but I know I care about my husband and tried to reconcile with him. (I still have to go back 2 days in a week anyways due to the kid's school situation so I was back in my house).
Encountered the old problem thath I just don't quite understand...(me life experience with men is limited to him and one more person, so perhaps I can hear some from guys here).
I was very very horny to say the least, despite all the pain and problems I know there are...this was around noon time, so after some talk we got in bed. I was more than enthusiastic and kissed him forever (in normal life I often don't like that much because I am sorry to say he is a messy kisser). In the past he would often say I did not kiss him enough so he could not get hard. So we did everything, I was flooding the bed and he knew, I touched everywhere and sucked everywhere....
No erection. Eventually, he said we should get lunch (we were hungry). So we did. And went out shopping. And after the kid was home and fell asleep we got in bed again. This time I even put on a little perfume (I never wear that), and I was again enthusiastically doing everything.
He never got an erection. It was never hard enough to do anything for me, but he moaned and said he needed to be relieved, so I gave him a 5 star (IMHO) BJ and swallowed all. Afterwards, he tried using fingers (I don't like the messiness of you know what), but I could not orgasm (his fingers are too rough). I gave up and told him let's sleep. This am he was sleeping after I had dropped off the kid (he fell asleep late), and I tried my best with a masturbation ( in a different room) which always leaves me miserable (because it does not satisfy, even though I can somewhat orgasm).
So, do men do this? The combo of working to get ur guy relieved and not getting it has taken a toll on me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Do men do what? I'm not understanding the question.

Sex can be very mental to guys. Especially as they get older, it's no longer a point and shoot, at least not in all cases. He could invest in some pharmaceutical help, if you're going to continue. Although to be honest, I'm surprised he wouldn't reciprocate the 5 star BJ...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

Are you saying he had an orgasm, but never had an erection? That's what I'm drawing from this. If this is true, then it's very possibly a medical issue.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

PBear said:


> Do men do what? I'm not understanding the question.
> 
> Sex can be very mental to guys. Especially as they get older, it's no longer a point and shoot, at least not in all cases. He could invest in some pharmaceutical help, if you're going to continue. Although to be honest, I'm surprised he wouldn't reciprocate the 5 star BJ...
> 
> ...


I mean, do men come without even an erection somewhere In the process? 
Oh, I don't like any star oral job, some fondling and licking ok, but too much gets very messy, and I need something Inside for a real O. The outside O (as I gradually discovered) is so much less intense, no comparison.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

shy_guy said:


> Are you saying he had an orgasm, but never had an erection? That's what I'm drawing from this. If this is true, then it's very possibly a medical issue.


Yes, he has done that very often. Like I said, I don't know if all men do this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

It's not a medical issue. The relationship is floundering, the OP has moved out, and the guy can't get past that and get it up. If it's happened before, it probably had to do with the relationship back then. Moving out isn't something you wake up one morning in the middle of a fantastic relationship and decide to do.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

MSP said:


> It's not a medical issue. The relationship is floundering, the OP has moved out, and the guy can't get past that and get it up. If it's happened before, it probably had to do with the relationship back then. Moving out isn't something you wake up one morning in the middle of a fantastic relationship and decide to do.


Hmmm, I don't know about that. It has happened in the past when everything was just fine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

I agree, too many stressor's could cause that. Both parties are under an extreme amount of stress.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

MSP may have a point. I have nothing to compare it to. All I can say is @Jennifer1986: no, I've never done that.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

I also don't understand if "stress" just affects sex, the why does he still get excited and even need to be relieved?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Good question. Guys can be very excited and WANT to knock one out.....but certain "equipment" does want to play. Subconsiously,stress can play a factor into that...as well as fatique....a number of reasons.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Well, if that's the prevailing case, I still have not found a good way of dealing with my own needs. The sexes are not equal after all...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

So, what's the deal? Are you trying to get back with your husband or not? If you are then, perphaps a very serious discussion needs to occur so you two know where you both stand. I mean, you stated that you had to masterbate to get your relief and even that was not satisfing to you. Perphaps your under the same amount of stress that won't allow you to fully relax?

Just a thought.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I friend of mine who is a quad. told me he can still have sex even thought he didn't get erect. with lot of manual and oral stimulation he can orgasm.

with that said I think its either a medical condition effecting his profofmance or a mental thing.


get his heart checked out big symptom of heart disease.

dose he smoke? dose he have heart disease in his family history?


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

jennifer1986 said:


> I also don't understand if "stress" just affects sex, the why does he still get excited and even need to be relieved?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because there are two issues involved. Physical and emotional.

At a physical level, the male sexual apparatus produces a fluid and that fluid is stored. Just like with every other containment system in the human body, storage capacity is finite. The pressure needs to be relieved from time to time.

At an emotional level, male sexual response is probably closer to what women can relate to. It's a state of mind and erection is closely tied to that state of mind. We're dealing with a part of the body that we don't really have conscious control over and trying to make an erection happen (Or not happen) by sheer force of will alone is like trying to mentally make goose bumps appear. Mood, therefore is very important and stresses and distractions can get in the way.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

crossbar said:


> So, what's the deal? Are you trying to get back with your husband or not? If you are then, perphaps a very serious discussion needs to occur so you two know where you both stand. I mean, you stated that you had to masterbate to get your relief and even that was not satisfing to you. Perphaps your under the same amount of stress that won't allow you to fully relax?
> 
> Just a thought.


Yes, my moving out is because there are too many conflicts/fights, but I had been trying for many years and just got to my wit's end, but I would like to be with this man and there are no 3 rd parties. 
It's not a relaxing problem for me...I just don't think the satisfaction one gets from mastebation and real sex are the same. There is no closeness involved and no one to cling onto when you come. Besides, my fingers are not long enough. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> I friend of mine who is a quad. told me he can still have sex even thought he didn't get erect. with lot of manual and oral stimulation he can orgasm.
> 
> with that said I think its either a medical condition effecting his profofmance or a mental thing.
> 
> ...


No, no dz, smoking, just normal male drinking. I am a kiddie doc (and thus don't know much about adult men.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

jennifer1986 said:


> Yes, my moving out is because there are too many conflicts/fights, but I had been trying for many years and just got to my wit's end, but I would like to be with this man and there are no 3 rd parties.
> It's not a relaxing problem for me...I just don't think the satisfaction one gets from mastebation and real sex are the same. There is no closeness involved and no one to cling onto when you come. Besides, my fingers are not long enough.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, if this is the man you WANT to be with then fight for it! Did you guys go to counseling? That might be an ave. to explore.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

crossbar said:


> Well, if this is the man you WANT to be with then fight for it! Did you guys go to counseling? That might be an ave. to explore.


Yes counseling, but we have never touched the sex issue. I went back to my therapist by myself 2 days ago and talked and talked...my desire for some stupid reason since what happened ( I described it in my thread "new comer something queer happened") has been crazy it frustrates me. I think I need female castration. Well, the therapy session had hardly enough time for me to just dump it out. I am trying everything ( hurt myself doing intense Zumba at the gym  to get my mind off it. I was not even ready emotionally to jump in bed with my husband but the body was tooooo weak. Yet now I am biting my nails and wondering if I am worse off. I am heading back to the new place after picking up the kid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

okay, now I got a better picture after reading your other thread. And some things might make a little sense. I still adhere to the fact of his non-erection is due to stress and also guilt and shame. 

First off, you had an affair. And it sounds like he rug swept the affair. Yeah, you may have addressed the affair and you both systematically came to the conclusion that the relationship you had with the OM had to come to an end. Then probably agreed to continue the relationship. Because he had a vision of the perfect College couple that were going to make it and beat the odds. But (and, of course, this is all speculation) never really addressed the pain that your affair caused him. That's probably is why he always put you down and called you a "nut case". It was his subtle way if lashing out to you. And I'm sure that you wanted to talk to him about it, but he didn't. Instead of a massive blowout and I mean gut wrenching hateful blowout, he had done it in tiny spurts. Wanting to hurt you as much as you hurt him.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not defending his behavior. I could never get a massage with a happy ending with my wife in the room (or ever for that matter), but that is also an example of his lashing out and possibly his curiosity. I mean, if I remember correctly, weren't you each others first? If not you, then him? Well, he never experienced anyone else and you have. That could lead to a lot of jealousy. Doesn't make it right, but it was never addressed. 

So, as you described in your other thread, you put up a wall waiting for the other shoe to drop; waiting for the next insult. But the thing is, so did he. He was waiting for the other shoe to drop and that shoe is.........you leaving him. 

So, let's get to the sex. Sex is sex. Sex is a way to get your rocks off and for procreation. And that's EXACTLY what you and your husband were doing. Which is not a healthy sex life. Look, I'm no therapist. You said you were a "kiddie doc", well I'm a Doc too. Let's just say, if you didn't break anything or tear anything, then I don't know what the hell is wrong with you. But, I'm been through a lot of crap. And I learned a lot about sex. Sex is another AWESOME tool to communicate with the one you love. Forget the "role playing" and the S&M and all of that. Those people have enough love and TRUST in each other to allow that to happen. When you have sex with the one you love, when he is inside you and you can see the passion and the enjoyment and the LOVE in his eyes. THEN you have a healthy sex life. 

I strongly recommend that you talk to your therapist. Continue to talk to him and find a MC that is better suited to handle infidelity (on both ends for the two of you). Then, there are sex counselors and sex coaches out here. But, this will only work if the two of your are COMPLETELY ready to try to work out these problems.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> Hmmm, I don't know about that. It has happened in the past when everything was just fine.


Before or after your affair? Because after your affair, nothing will have been fine in this area. 

Jennifer, it's good that you are looking for answers. I commend you for that. You obviously care about your relationship with your husband, even if you are not see eye to eye for now. However, there are several things you have written that make me wonder if you ever truly faced the magnitude of your affair. You've written excuses and justifications every time you've mentioned it. People who are truly, deeply sorry don't do that. If there is any part of you at all that thinks you had any good reasons to do what you did, you are not sorry. I bet your husband sees this, if only subconsciously, and just can't get emotionally close to you anymore. 

Also, who wears the pants in the relationship? Because if you do, then his cutting remarks are probably the way that he tries to regain a sense of control. 

If anything I've said is close to the truth, then I think you have a lot to be gained by fully taking responsibility for your affair, which means opening yourself to being hurt about it and the potential of not even being forgiven, and following his lead in your marriage.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

It's simple, really.
Stress and anxiety release adrenaline into the blood stream. Adrenaline constricts blood flow. Without adequate blood flow, a guy's little soldier won't stand at attention.
So, while a part of him may be dying for release, the anxiety he feels with you and over the state of your relationship is seriously inhibiting his ability to get erect.
It's one of nature's cruel jokes. The more a guy struggles to perform, the more stressed he's going to be. And the more stressed he is, the more he's going to struggle to perform.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Hmmmm. Do I feel sorry about the affair. For many years, I did not fully feel that way. (one quick example. The other guy would put his jacket on me if we were out and it got cold. My husband would say sarcastically I never knew how to dress for the weather. I cannot remember if he was like this before the affair since it's been way too long). Then, I did. This is to the point that I wish it had never happened. I think that is true remorse. Before I came to that realization, I did blame my husband for not listening to me when were were miles apart, never appreciating me the way I was, blah, blah, then about 10 yrs ago I made up my mind he is a wonderful man and I always wanted to be with him. The way I phrased this mental commitment was that I told him no matter how hard we argued or fought I would never mention divorce. (He frequently did, without really meaning it). I kept my promise until now. 

Also, I do not think I am giving excuses about the affair. I am simply pointing out the circumstances under which it happened. If anything, I now look at affairs (come in all kinds of shapes and flavors of course) with a more understanding attitude. Very rarely do things happen without some predisposing factors.

My husband is a very practical person. I honestly think it is a lot more important I am the way he likes me to be (i.e., not having too many interests, always focusing on work, always putting the kids number one), than me not having had an affair or anything. I am sure the affair did its damage, but I still see more fundamental problems in the relationship. 

Also, as to who wears the pants, he does. In fact, I listen to him for almost everything. All I want is for him to not criticize me.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

FrankKissel said:


> It's simple, really.
> Stress and anxiety release adrenaline into the blood stream. Adrenaline constricts blood flow. Without adequate blood flow, a guy's little soldier won't stand at attention.
> So, while a part of him may be dying for release, the anxiety he feels with you and over the state of your relationship is seriously inhibiting his ability to get erect.
> It's one of nature's cruel jokes. The more a guy struggles to perform, the more stressed he's going to be. And the more stressed he is, the more he's going to struggle to perform.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, it seems like he may be under some stress from the current situation. I feel better because that can still be remedied. I am just frustrated it has happened often in the past. And when he told me to orally or manually relieve him I felt kind of...stupid, insulted, whatever...because I was like "if you are not even interested in me, why asking me do such things?" But I still did it often, without enthusiasm, and I had to suppress any need I felt.


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