# 4 months Separated...what now?



## BornAgain (Jul 9, 2013)

Hi all dear friends,

Its so fantastic to read everyone's experiences and the support given here, you have no idea how important its been for me.

Admittedly I've been at my wits' end trying to figure out what to do, so many what ifs, that I'm sure the community can give me some direction.

Just a brief summary....

I'm Asian and my wife is Asian too, I'm 35 and she's 29. We got married 6 months after knowing each other 8 years ago (yes i know, bad sign), and migrated here to Australia from our home country 5 years ago. We have no kids.

In short, she moved out (without my consent or any discussion) 4 months ago, and is staying with a female colleague from work. Her reasons:

1) Gradual neglect over many years
2) Living like room mates rather than spouses
3) She wanted to start a family but I kept putting it off, in favour of building our finances
4) She suspected some sort of indiscretion on my part (but nothing happened)
5) i had a sever porn addiction which i am aware off, but in recent times has gotten worse.


Right now, she is waiting for me to take action to dissolve our assets however is firm about not coming back, nor working on our marriage. In her words, she is "done".

On my part, we used to support our house mortgage together but now, I'm left holding the fort...I can do this indefinitely even though it means I can't save and all my resources go into the mortgage.

In these months, I've taken extreme steps...I've gone for psychological counselling on the porn, and am undergoing Christian marital counselling (by myself) as a born again Christian. This she knows of, but refuses to participate (my pastor has called her), she is firm on the separation and divorce. Apparently she has thought of this for many months.

Currently my contact with her is limited to the occasional phone call and sms regarding financial matters (we still have joint assets, transactions, her mail still comes to the house which I forward to her office). She has refused to tell me her address so I am lost there....I only know her work details, and her mobile.

Initially in the first couple of weeks of her leaving I tried everything...going to her workplace, getting our families involved, and nothing worked. So its now at a stalemate where she's waiting for me to give up, and talk to her about the division of assets, and I'm holding on, waiting for her to soften her hard stance.

Throughout these few months I've done my own soul searching and I know i can do better...my Church is very supportive and I've been really busy helping in Church activities, building more of a social circle etc.

I know I need to do something to change the status quo, but what? Like a shock to the system...I have Divorce Remedy but I can't really understand a 180 from my situation...if I go No Contact (this drives her crazy, the last time I did this-I was REALLY busy-she called multiple times one day to pressurize me to take action on the house) it still doesnt lead me anywhere. Besides, 1 of the reasons she cited was neglect....won't No Contact just be an extension of that?

Ultimately, I know what she feels is right in her eyes, I just want to find a way to SHOW her the changes I've gone through, our limited communication makes this hard.

I'll add other details as we go along...but for now, I would really appreciate any feedback.

Thanks everyone...I'm chugging along as best as I can.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Let her drive this divorce if she's wants it.

And don't pay for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Your post is mostly about her...it sounds like she wants space; you should give it to her and not hound her about returning. You don't need marital counseling, you need individual counseling to deal with your own stuff. Marital counseling on your own just looks like you trying to control things. In individual counseling you will have to deal with hard questions. Why did you neglect her? What made you think that you are entitled to have a woman be at your beck and call and to treat how you want? What made you think money is so important? All that stuff.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

As a woman let me tell you where I have two big issues because they were issues in my own marriage that made me start to change the way I felt about my stbxh ( there were more & the story is long but 2 of your things jumped out at me)

1- your porn addiction. I don't know if mine was concidered an addict - well I would consider him one - I would review the history in our computer & flip out. That is one of the most demeaning things for a wife to face. It makes us feel like we're inadequate. We're competeting with these fantasy women you guys so love to watch. Some of the things that are out there are hideous and to be honest the more I caught him the more a part of my connection to him died.

2-putting off starting a family. Now I understand fiscal responsibility but when is enough. It should have been something the two of you discussed and
ome up with a time frame you both agreed on. I was hitting my late 30's and knew my time was running out. He kept putting it off. When we decided to start trying I was 38 - after 2 miscarriages we gave up. I really resented him for that.

I think you need to give her some space. You cant force her to come back.


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