# Needing some insight



## veryreal (Dec 7, 2013)

Hello, I need some additional insight into my situation.

To make a long story short me and my wife separated about 3 months ago. I didn't cheat. Most of our arguments came about her kids and spending habits. Only married for 1.5 years and she quit her job to stay at home. Anyway had bought her a new car because her car we couldn't afford on my salary and her credit was not good enough. Plus, she wanted to finish school. So, I let he stay at home and she graduated from college. Just for some background.

Now she moved out after she got a job because we had already decided things aren't going well and she couldn't see that her kids were manipulating the relationship because I was not their father.

So one day I go to work and come home and, yes you guess it. She took everything that she wanted and only left me the stuff she did not want. Mostly trash and very dirty walls. So, I called and was very upset that she did it like this. She gave no apologies. The car stayed with me of course.

She changed her number and I didn't know where she moved to. So, I moved on. 

So, present day she emailed me a couple of weeks ago saying she needed sex and can she come over. Sure I said. Well, then all the emotions come running back. She wanted us to try again, and that things are really hard for her. So, I said ok and that she can drive the car if she wants. 

So far everything seems to be going ok, until last night. I, of course now have her address and cell number because she has my car and we're trying to work it out. On Thursday I has asked her if she wanted to go out Friday night, and she said that she has plans with one of her kids and another parent to do some kids stuff between 6pm-9pm and that if I wanted we could hang out after. Fine I said.

Friday night she text me saying I should have been there because it's a lot of families, this was around 7:30pm. Also, mined you she emailed me that morning saying she was looking forward to this evening. 

Well, around 9:30pm no call, 10pm no call so about 10:30pm I called. She didn't answer, 11pm I called still no answer. So around 11:15 I called and said that this is not going to work and if she could bring me back my car Saturday and if I don't hear from her I'll report it stolen. Well, around 12am I decided to drive over there and she answered the door in her night clothes, I was like what's going on, and she said that she wasn't feeling well and just decided to come home and get in the bed. I was like why didn't you call or text me. She said sorry. I thought that was very rude

So the next morning she heard my message and called and just went off on me saying you can have your car and I can't believe you threaten to call the police.

So, I admitted I over reacted, but she just seem adamant that I was totally wrong and she doesn't want this.

Can I get some else's thoughts on this?

Thank you


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

The reason she contacted you after she moved out and took everything of value is because she wanted the car. 

Does she still have the car?

I think she does.

Once you answer "yes, she has the car" (along with every other household possession of any value) I will then proceed to tell you that you have been played the fool.


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## veryreal (Dec 7, 2013)

She currently has the car, but she said she will bring it by Wednesday after she gets her dads truck. She doesn't want me to call the police and risk being arrested with kids.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Actually if you bought the car during the marriage, which it appears you did, then it's her car as much as it is yours.


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## veryreal (Dec 7, 2013)

Yes I'm very much aware of that. To me the car is not the focus point for me. I can always stop making payments if I was to be spiteful. But again...maybe you're seeing something I'm not, because she has more too lose...see I make the payments and pay the registration. She would have the car for a year at tops before the tags need renewing...plus she would have to worry about the police. They cannot enforce a divorce or marriage law. All they would know is that the car is in my name. And she doesn't live here.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

veryreal said:


> Yes I'm very much aware of that. To me the car is not the focus point for me. I can always stop making payments if I was to be spiteful. But again...maybe you're seeing something I'm not





veryreal said:


> They cannot enforce a divorce or marriage law. All they would know is that the car is in my name. And she doesn't live here.


If you stop making the payments they'll repossess the car, and your credit will be affected and you'll lose any money you've already paid towards the car.

Plus, when she files for divorce, it won't look good to the courts that you stopped payment on the car that she "needs for her very survival". 

Believe me that's how they word the stuff in contested divorces.



veryreal said:


> They cannot enforce a divorce or marriage law. All they would know is that the car is in my name. And she doesn't live here.


What you don't seem to be aware of, that I am acutely aware of, having been through it, is that once you get married, there is no "her stuff and my stuff". It's all one big pool of stuff that you have to divide evenly. Sometimes with the help of expensive attorneys and a slow and often unfair court system. You can't take the law into your own hands. Well you can, but it won't bode well for you. Just like her cleaning out the house of all the possessions won't look good for her in the eyes of a court. 

As far as the car goes, she could tell the cops "We're separated. I drive this car, he drives the other car". 

The cops will not take the car away from her. They don't care whose name it's under, if your married, you have the right to drive it.

You can only hope she knows even less about divorce laws than you do.

She's certainly much better at manipulation. I mean, she cleans out the whole house, moves away, and then says "I want sex" and there you are, ready to jump right back in. What did you get out of it? One less car..


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## veryreal (Dec 7, 2013)

That's good info to know. How do you think I should handle it?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I don't really know.

For now, I wouldn't do a thing. Just give each other some space. Let things cool a bit. Dont go running back to her every time she mentions sex. Stop threatening to call the cops on her for taking the car. 

The whole dynamic between you two is dysfunctional.


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## veryreal (Dec 7, 2013)

Good advise...thanks needed to hear someone else's thoughts on this.

Thank you


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## grainofsalt (Oct 6, 2013)

You're being played. Get your car back, and let her ride the bus. That's the decision she made when she left and cleaned out the house.

Trust me... She's laughing at you every second she's still using you.

Put an end to it.


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## grainofsalt (Oct 6, 2013)

Put an end to it now. I bought my wife of one year a brand new car, but unfortunately registered it in her name, so it's hers now.

Don't make the same mistake. Give them NOTHING. Believe me, you'll thank yourself down the road...


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## outNabout (Mar 2, 2013)

veryreal said:


> She currently has the car, but she said she will bring it by Wednesday after she gets her dads truck. She doesn't want me to call the police and risk being arrested with kids.


Notice how she expects it to all revolve around what she wants and on her terms? 

So she takes the furniture and then tries to keep the car... but doesn't like having to face the consequences.

Sounds like she's so self-centred she'll continue walking all over you, if you let her!

Be very sure you've set enough boundaries, terms and conditions in the way of this monster. Protect yourself.



> she emailed me a couple of weeks ago saying she needed sex and can she come over. Sure I said. Well, then all the emotions come running back.


Learn from this! Don't ever make this mistake with her again. Keep your head straight right now and don't let her wave her charms around trying to manipulate you. She thinks you are just some object she can use how she likes. Show you are an independent person who lives an independent life that doesn't revolve around her wants and needs.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

grainofsalt said:


> Put an end to it now. I bought my wife of one year a brand new car, but unfortunately registered it in her name, so it's hers now


Why do people talk like this?

It's like, you go and get married but have no understanding whatsoever of what marriage really means! Marriage is a financial contract, nothing less. 

You didn't "buy your wife of one year a car", you BOTH bought a car that is for your wife's primary use. It doesn't matter whose name the car is in. It doesn't matter whose name the house is in. It doesn't matter whose name the retirement accounts are in. All the cops or courts will care about is who is the one who uses the car, and what it's value might be so that you will get to keep something else of equal value when everything gets split up. The cops aren't going to look at the registration and say "ok, this persons name is on it so go give it back". Sure, if you weren't married, and your name is on the car and you want it back, it's a no brainer. But once you are husband and wife, everything is jointly owned, again with rare exception- and to make a claim like that, is very difficult to do.

With very little exception, anything purchased, any assets gained, any increase in your finances that occurs during the marriage belongs to both of you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya but the division of assets went out the window when OP's old lady took off with all the crap in the house.

Anyway, its time to see a lawyer and get this all straightened out.

Your being used and disrespected.

I mean who invites someone out and doesn't have the decency to call and cancel....enless she was with someone else and the opportunity didn't present its self until the other guy left her apartment. Maybe the same kind of person that would bail with out a word and take everything?

Is the sex really worth it?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

the guy said:


> Ya but the division of assets went out the window when OP's old lady took off with all the crap in the house.


No, not really. Yes she fired the first shot drew first blood, and won the first battle. But if this thing ends up in divorce, this will all come out and if the courts are fair, or if they ultimately settle, he'll get his share and what she took will be considered. 

He can't just say "well she cleaned out the house so I'm taking the car back!". I mean he can say it, he can sure try to get it back but he cannot expect the police to get it for him. I'm just pointing out the error in his thinking. Again, he can certainly threaten her with the cops and maybe she's as clueless as he is and she'll bring it right back and he can sell it and keep the money and one day say "you got the stuff from the house I get the money from the car". Anyway the point being he has no legal grounds to get the car back regardless of the fact that she cleaned out the house. 



the guy said:


> Anyway, its time to see a lawyer and get this all straightened out.


Yes, that would be a smart move. 



the guy said:


> Your being used and disrespected.


I agree except that it's "you're" not "your". He hasn't yet picked himself up off the ground, dusted himself off and prepared to fight back. And I'm talking about really fighting back from a legal perspective, not "Give me the car back!". The sooner he gets there, the better.



the guy said:


> Is the sex really worth it?


It's not the sex. It's the short term relief. It's the self denial, it's the feeling that "If I go over there and have sex with her then nothing has really changed and everything will be ok". 

Lots of couples going through breakup have this back and forth and the intimacy is a break in the torture and turmoil of realizing that it's over and life doesn't make any sense at the moment.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

veryreal said:


> That's good info to know. How do you think I should handle it?


Get a lawyer now.

Stop being a doormat. 

File for Divorce.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

lenzi said:


> I agree except that it's "you're" not "your".


Really...this guy is getting phucked over by his old lady and you;re picking apart my spelling????

Sorry for the thread jack I just wanted to make sure my point was made and not my crappy spelling


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