# Opinion please!



## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

I haven't been surfing on TAM lately because I am settling into my single life as best as I can and mostly feel I am doing pretty good, considering I was married 32 years and my husband suddenly decided he was done and moved across the country to live near his high school girlfriend. I was terrified at first, being a stay at home mom and not having any job skills. I managed to get a good lawyer and have four more years of alimony/ child support (my youngest is now in college so not really in need of much support).
Anyway, I took computer classes and got a good part time job, and am planning on selling my house and getting the cheapest, smallest place I can find, and have plans to live a quiet, single, downsized life and Plan on being happy doing it. 
My ex and me were talking about the kids and what to do for them for Christmas and such, and at the end of the convo he asks, "so, who's the beneficiary on your retirement fund?" I told him my kids are, and he says"well, I kept you as my beneficiary, and I think you should have me as yours". I told him the kids should be beneficiary to his retirement fund,not me. Then he says"well that money is mine(talking about my share of the retirement fund from the divorce) and it should go back to me if anything happens to you"
I was shocked, and the conversation ended and we hung up. WTF?
Does he not understand what it means to be divorced? I have no thoughts or plans for his retirement money, and don't understand why he thinks he should get my share if I die? He loves to play games with my emotions, so now he's laying some guilt trip on me because I'm leaving my share of the money we saved to my kids and not him? Opinions please! Thanks.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Your money, your choice.

His money, his choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

And also, why would he have me as his beneficiary? He moved 3000 miles away to be near, and I assume hope to marry, another woman, who I assume would then get any of his money if he dies anyway. That money was both of ours while we were married, and now our assets have been split in the divorce, with each of us free to do what ever we want with it. It makes no sense.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

You asked "Does he not understand what it means to be divorced?"

He's fretting over your choice, you're fretting over his.

Forget about it. You have yours, he has his. You aren't an item. But for the kids, emotionally remove him to 'stranger zone'. Move on. Be happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I would guess he feels cheated by the "system" for having to give you half his retirement when you didn't contribute directly to it. It's now your money to do with what you want, frankly I would have laughed out loud at his request. You should have told him the money will go to the local cat shelter.

How old are you? You should have "thoughts and plans" about retirement and how to fund it, that's why the courts give half of retirement savings to a stay at home spouses, so they can live a decent standard of life after sacrificing for all those years.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

JWTBL said:


> And also, why would he have me as his beneficiary? He moved 3000 miles away to be near, and I assume hope to marry, another woman, who I assume would then get any of his money if he dies anyway. That money was both of ours while we were married, and now our assets have been split in the divorce, with each of us free to do what ever we want with it. It makes no sense.


Guilt probably.


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## lifelesson01 (Nov 3, 2014)

My ex husband and I have both kept each other as beneficiaries on our life insurance policies so that we can take care of the children if anything should happen. We both agreed to adjust that when the kids are grown up...then it will go to them. We were just trying to do what is best for the children.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

My opinion? Who cares what he says, he's not worthy of taking up your time to think about it.

The faster you stop trying to understand your ex and accept that he obviously doesn't think the same way as you the faster you will get peace in your life.

Sometimes my ex makes me scratch my head but I stopped dwelling on it, because my time is more valuable than to pontificate on what motivates her and why she acts the way she does. You might as well try to figure out how cats think....


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

My opinion, he likes to control things.
Now forget about what he does. If he should die before you and IF he really leaves the money to you, take the kids on a fabulous trip.

By the way, aside from the retirement control, it sounds like you are doing pretty good!


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

JWTBL said:


> . . . . I told him the kids should be beneficiary to his retirement fund,not me. Then he says"well that money is mine(talking about my share of the retirement fund from the divorce) and it should go back to me if anything happens to you" . . . .


In law and equity the money is not and was not ever his. I’m guessing he’s a bit on the self-centered side. I’d ignore his jackassery as he never will get it.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Now that you are divorced you need to work on boundaries. The moment he asked you should say "My finances are none of your business." Period. If he presses, tell him you will not discuss your finances with him as you are no longer married and then bring it back around to the kids/holidays. If he doesn't, say that it's obvious you two are done discussing the holidays, have a great day, goodbye.

You don't owe him an answer and certainly not a reason on top of that. Nor does he owe you one now that it's all done. You both follow through on the terms of the divorce decree and be done.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

JWTBL said:


> *And also, why would he have me as his beneficiary? *He moved 3000 miles away to be near, and I assume hope to marry, another woman, who I assume would then get any of his money if he dies anyway. That money was both of ours while we were married, and now our assets have been split in the divorce, with each of us free to do what ever we want with it. It makes no sense.


I would just say "thank you" because I'm ornery like that. 

You got your half, to do with as you wish (leave to the children). He got his half and wants to leave it to you. Should he get married again and still has you as his beneficiary, that would be fine, considering that you will take his half and probably leave it to the children as well.

Upon my divorce, I also changed all of my Estate Planning docs (Will, Power of Attorney, Health Care Directive) to name my son as my next person in charge. What me Ex did or did not do with his docs is on him.

Me, I wouldn't worry about what he does nor would I feel obligated to change anything to benefit him at this point. Sounds like you are doing great so keep moving forward and enjoy your new life. Trust your "single" decisions and look out for your children. He is past history.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

survivorwife said:


> Upon my divorce, I also changed all of my Estate Planning docs (Will, Power of Attorney, Health Care Directive) to name my son as my next person in charge.


Just make sure if you do this your child is at least 18. If you're kids are under 18 and they receive inheritance from you, the court will likely award their parent (your ex) as the property guardian. Having almost the same effect of just leaving your stuff to your ex.

It's best if you can leave it to someone else you could trust (parent or sibling) with the express instructions that they use the money for the children.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Now that you are divorced you need to work on boundaries. The moment he asked you should say "My finances are none of your business." Period. If he presses, tell him you will not discuss your finances with him as you are no longer married and then bring it back around to the kids/holidays. If he doesn't, say that it's obvious you two are done discussing the holidays, have a great day, goodbye.
> 
> You don't owe him an answer and certainly not a reason on top of that. Nor does he owe you one now that it's all done. You both follow through on the terms of the divorce decree and be done.


First place ribbon for the best answer.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

" Dear Ex-Hubby
Now that we have officially seperate and divorced I will only talk with you about matters concerning our children. Any other talk will be met with silence.
If you feel the need to emotionally tweak someone, I suggest it be the woman you moved out there to be with, because I have said anything that needs to be said.
Happliy,
Your Ex"


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

COguy said:


> Just make sure if you do this your child is at least 18. If you're kids are under 18 and they receive inheritance from you, the court will likely award their parent (your ex) as the property guardian. Having almost the same effect of just leaving your stuff to your ex.
> 
> It's best if you can leave it to someone else you could trust (parent or sibling) with the express instructions that they use the money for the children.


My son is over 18 so no problem. If one's children are under 18, they can leave their property to a trusted family member *IN TRUST* for the benefit of the children, that way they have it in writing that their properties is for the benefit of the children (and not a person/family member that they thought they could trust because sometimes that doesn't work out so well. And by deliberately *NOT* naming the ex-spouse in the document, they avoid any chance that the EX gets the property.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

JWTBL said:


> Does he not understand what it means to be divorced? I have no thoughts or plans for his retirement money, and don't understand why he thinks he should get my share if I die? He loves to play games with my emotions, so now he's laying some guilt trip on me because I'm leaving my share of the money we saved to my kids and not him? *Opinions please! *Thanks.


Self absorbed, passive aggressive a$$hole, thats my opinion.  Next time he asks such a CLEARLY out of bounds question, tell him its none of his damn business.


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

I love all your responses! Thank you all. He actually had me feeling guilty, which is so much of what our relationship was about. My kids are all over 18, so it will all go to them. Not that I'm planning to kick the bucket anytime soon, my mom is 92 and still going strong!
Thank you all so much for caring enough to reply, and I hope I can contribute some words of experience sometimes as well.


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