# Last Leg?



## Wisdom37 (Apr 7, 2011)

On my last leg. Been married for almost 5 years now. What do you say to a wife who when she gets frustrated and depressed constantly throw tantrums, then when I call her out for acting immature, she throws out comments like she wishes she could be set free to do what she wants, and tonight's killer, "I can't wait until I find a better husband who will treat me better". Then later takes them back and says she didn't mean it. It is getting old. When I get mad at her for saying these things she then accuses me of dragging them out and not just letting it go. Then she'll make personal plans to go spend a week away with her friends with my permission (she's currently unemployed, I'm paying the bills), then when she gets back, she wants me by her side 24/7 and to cancel any personal plans I may have had to spend time with her instead. If I don't I get blamed for not wanting to spend time with her. Yet, she has no problem leaving me to be with her friends for a week at a time.

I'm concerned so I'm here posting for advice...she is acting like we never had a fight tonight and is watching american idol. Go figure. What's the use being married to someone when you put forth 110% and she always complains she is so unhappy with how her life is. I was happy, not anymore.


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

You're wrong, she IS happy - that's just her mode of happiness. Otherwise, why is she still with you?

Your wife is, as you correctly stated, immature. But she needs to grow up or you'll be the one to suffer. Take a stern step towards explaining your situation, stand up for yourself. If she throws tantrums again, don't give a damn and stick to your point.

Eventually, she'll cool down and listen if she really wants to be with you, or she'll leave. Either is good.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Wisdom,

Go to the men's forum and read all you can about handling fitness testing. There is some good information there.

Also, you have to remember that your happiness is not predicated upon the mood of your wife. Ignore her moods. The don't affect you. You are the only one responsible for your own mood and happiness. If your wife rants off on you, remember that you are still happy and chipper inside, then say this..."look! I understand you are upset right now, but your words and actions are being immature, like a child. I will be willing to discuss this with you more seriously later ONCE you calm down and begin acting like an adult.". Be firm. Never raise your voice. You need to demonstrate that you are in total control. Now, the first few times you do this, expects some pretty heavy resistance. The balance of power is shifting, and your wife isn't going to like it at all. When she continues her rant, say, in a more firm but direct voice..."look! I said I would be willing to discuss this with you when you are more reasonable. Discussion is over."

Now, leave the house for a while if you need to. Go to a friends, or for coffee, or to a movie. Just let her stew for a bit and realize that her tantrums have no more effect on you. Plus, in doing this, you just set a boundary you WILL NOT allow to be crossed, and you also gained some respect from your wife. Eventually, she will get the point that her tantrums are not effective anymore.

Now, you will have to repeat this scenario for the rest of your married life, as she will try to test you again every once in a while. This is normal. That's the way of the fitness test.

Oh yeah, after you get home, and you either talk it out, or she realizes she was just being immature, look her in the eyes, then up and down, and say..." bedroom. NOW!". You are the Alpha! Now go rock your wifes world for a bit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wisdom37 (Apr 7, 2011)

Thanks for the tips. This is pretty much what I am doing. First let me say sorry the initial post was somewhat vague. I was angry and typing it in the heat of the moment last night. 

This started really all over a computer which I bought my wife as a gift. Whenever she gets frustrated with something she is working on with it, she constantly states that she hates this computer, it is a piece of junk, and she won't use it again. As someone who bought her this computer as a gift, it does somewhat offend me when she says things like this, over and over again. So last night when she said it again I finally said back to her, that's fine then, I can use the computer, I will take it and either use it myself from now on, or I'm just going to sell it. Immediately she asked why I was being such an a-hole, and that was when she unloaded the, I can't wait to find a better husband comment. It all went downhill from there. 

For me, I realize that my emotions and feelings are very much dependent on her emotions and feelings. If she is upset or feeling down and I'm not, I feel like I have to fix her because I don't like being in the same house with someone who is storming around in a foul mood. She is also hyper-sensitive when she is in a bad mood and will take it out on me if I make the wrong move. It is like I have to walk on egg shells. But I conceeded last night though that I am no longer going to let her mood effect mine.

I did make a stand last night. I tried several times to have a civilized conversation with her but she continued to fly off the handle, so I walked away. I finally just gave up and went to bed. She ended up sleeping in the guest bedroom last night, by her own choice. I got up this morning and came to work without saying a word to her. One thing I do know is that she is extremely stubborn. To her, me saying I was going to sell her computer was just as bad if not worse than her saying she needs a better husband. It will likely be a cold day in hell when she sees differently. I did tell her last night whether she heard it or not, that I feel I have been an excellent husband to her, and that I am no longer going to let her emotions affect me, and that I am no longer going to try and break my back and put the individual things that make me happy off just to try and make her happy. If she does not like that, then she knows where the door is.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wisdom37 said:


> "I can't wait until I find a better husband who will treat me better".


Ouch. Not cool.


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## Wisdom37 (Apr 7, 2011)

So I've been taking the high road all day. She has sent me mutiple emails ranting and raving about everything from 2 seconds after we got married up until today that she holds a grudge against me for, and many of them are simply not true and unfounded. I have been emailing back trying to nicely say that I want to extend the olive branch and go seek more advice, only to get more responses saying she feels like physically harming me, not to come home to the home that I pay the bills on, etc. Then, I get an email with some marriage advice book about balancing marriage and hobbies and says I should read it, then demands that the only way to save our marriage now is to prove my committment to her by giving up my hobbies altogether, selling everything, and devoting myself 100%to her. 

I believe it is extremely unfair of her to ask this. Like she wants me to submit to her fully and give up my freewill. I will not do it. I spend maybe 12-16 hours a month on my hobby. I will not bend.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

She sounds pretty unstable. Have you seen a marriage counselor? I would not try to go this alone, if you intend to save the marriage. 

You should do what you want to do at times--that's healthy. And you are responsible for your own happiness--good for you for seeing that you've let your wife's emotional state determine yours. Now you can break that cycle.

When people get to the point you have, the other partner had better grow up, or they will find themselves alone, because once you realize you can be happy without her support, you will begin to wonder why you share your life with someone who adds so little to your life. This knowledge gives you the strength to stand up for yourself and stop taking her b.s. Maybe she'll change--but you cannot control that, you can only control you. Good luck.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Wisdom,

Hey buddy, this stuff is pretty rough. Your W has quite the temper, and when she fights she seems to go for the jugular right away. I'm guessing she told her parents she hated them about 100 times during her teenage years. She seems pretty selfish and self-consumed, like everything in the world only matters in as much as it affects her.

#1 - Don't have kids with her yet. Once you have kids, you're trapped and its better to find out first if this woman is going to shape up into a better W or just be hellacious forever.

#2 - So far the picture you paint of your W isn't very flattering. So the question I have is, what are the good parts of your marriage? What made you marry your wife? I'm guessing the sex isn't bad (she seems pretty passionate), but that's obviously not enough.

Don't succumb to her demands that you sell your soul for the privilege of her company - no woman is worth your dignity. 

Tell her how riduculous her requests are for you to abandon your hobbies and sell everything. Tell her that even in the best relationships, partners have hobbies and outside interests. The key is to make time for both. It seems like your W thinks your hobby is maybe more important to you than her.

Above all else, make it evident that while you do enjoy having her in your life and you are willing to contribute to the relationship and be a good partner, she has free will to be in the marriage or not and you're not going to beg and throw yourself at her feet to keep her. If she can't wait to find another husband, I'd say "great - well he's not in here, so let me speed up your search by kicking you out of the house. I love you; but you if you don't love me, then this isn't going to work."


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## Wisdom37 (Apr 7, 2011)

Well, thanks all. Making progress is this morning's update. Had a long, long talk last night, and had to approach it very tactfully, but managed to get her to calm down a bit. I agreed to ease up on my hobby for a short while, if she agreed to seek some counseling and let me lay down some ground rules. I'm still not sure it will work out, but at least things are a little smoother for the time being. The whole key was getting her to calm down enough to start thinking rationally again. However, I also made it clear that her constant on and off again unhappiness is getting old and unless she makes an effort to put her emotions in check, I cannot and will not continue to live my life with her this way.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

sounds promising - good job. I like the hobby for counseling compromise. Good luck.


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