# What do you think of this



## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

We are watching tv on the couch. I decide to look at some basic porn to see her reaction. When she saw me browsing on my ipad she couldn't believe it and said why. I said because I'm a man and that's what men tend to do. She said that since I'm married and am having sex there is no reason to. I said that even married men having sex still look at porn time to time. She didn't believe me.

Is it normal for married men to look at porn?

Another thing, she saw the commercial for 50 Shades movie and said she'd like to see it. She read the books a while ago. That night in bed I said I would like to try BDSM. She said, 'doesn't that involve tools?' I said it can be as simple as tying or covering eyes. She said no way. I said then I would like to be tied up then. She said absolutely no way. It reminds her of slavery. I said it's not like that because there are safe words etc. She said no way, end of story.

Why do you think she would want to watch 50 Shades but not even consider basic BDSM play? We're very vanilla but I would like to introduce something new. The only thing she would agree to is role play but even that she's reluctantly agreeing I think. I'm somehow hoping it turns out she ends up liking it. English is not her first language so it's harder.

We have sex 2 times per week and are in mid-forties so I can't complain about frequency.

4 of her married girlfriends from same ethnic group (Asian) are basically sexless so she said I should be thankful I'm getting as much as I am. I told her I am thankful but I would like her to initiate, dress up etc. Am I asking for too much?


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

I like to watch bank heist movies, but would not want to rob a bank. Maybe she's just curious enough to want to watch it, but not comfortable enough to want to try it. 

And i know many married men look at porn. But i don't think most of them watch it while chilling on the couch watching prime-time tv with their wives. That would probably freak out a lot of women.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

bravo29 said:


> We are watching tv on the couch. I decide to look at some basic porn to see her reaction. When she saw me browsing on my ipad she couldn't believe it and said why. I said because I'm a man and that's what men tend to do. She said that since I'm married and am having sex there is no reason to. I said that even married men having sex still look at porn time to time. She didn't believe me.
> 
> Is it normal for married men to look at porn?
> 
> ...



Good for you to be open and honest about wanting porn occasionally, AND for not allowing your wife to make you feel shame because of it. I so like to see men stand up for themselves.

Secondly, 50 shade is Mommy porn, so if it's good for the goose, good for the gander...

There are many ways to subtly dominate your wife with out tools or toys.
My "How-To" Guide for Men on How To Dominate a Woman in Bed  : sex

gentle Dominant

Just do one or two things and see how she responds, if favorably, talk with her about how she liked it and see if she'd like to up the intensity a bit.

You don't have to tie her up and spank her to dominate her, in fact, most women really enjoy simple but INTENSE sex.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I agree with that.girl. There's a time and place for porn and that was not it. It could actually turn her off and make trying to get her to open up more about sex more difficult.

I haven't read the 50 shades books but I do watch and read some other bdsm stuff. I'm not interested in doing any of it. Some things you just like in your head. If you do watch the movie you could try to change the way you talk about it from "I would like to....." to "is there anything you saw or read that you are interested in trying?" "is there something I could do to make you more comfortable with it", etc. Springing something like that up in bed for that night and then arguing about why she's wrong for saying no is not the best way to add something new.

Since you already got a no, I wouldn't push it any further but changing the way you talk about a new idea with her in the future might help her open up some.

You got a reluctant yes to role play so maybe she can make up the roles so she's more interested.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

that.girl said:


> And i know many married men look at porn. But i don't think most of them watch it while chilling on the couch watching prime-time tv with their wives. That would probably freak out a lot of women.


You're right. It's better to hide it! 

And she wants him to go watch porn at the movie theater with her, doesn't she? And she reads porn - isn't "50 Shades ..." porn?


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> There are many ways to subtly dominate your wife with out tools or toys.
> My "How-To" Guide for Men on How To Dominate a Woman in Bed  : sex
> 
> gentle Dominant
> ...


I have done some of the gentle dominating stuff. There's not much discussion about what worked or not. She generally gets off a few times. But she's happy with plain old vanilla sex.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I agree with that.girl. There's a time and place for porn and that was not it. It could actually turn her off and make trying to get her to open up more about sex more difficult.


That was just a test to see how she would react. This relates to a Dear Prudie letter about how a man whose partner didn't want to have sex so he masturbated in bed next to her. She wrote in saying that was disgusting. Prudie actually took the guy's side and said since he wasn't getting sex then it's no big deal. So I figured compared to that looking at some softcore porn wouldn't be a big deal.

In terms of time/place do you mean that it should be a private thing without the wife around if she's not into porn?



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> If you do watch the movie you could try to change the way you talk about it from "I would like to....." to "is there anything you saw or read that you are interested in trying?" "is there something I could do to make you more comfortable with it", etc.


That's a great suggestion!



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Springing something like that up in bed for that night and then arguing about why she's wrong for saying no is not the best way to add something new.


It's not clear from my original post but it wasn't for that night. It was a general request for the future. Meaning that I'd eventually like to try it out.



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> You got a reluctant yes to role play so maybe she can make up the roles so she's more interested.


Yes, I'm hoping. I asked her if she thought anyone was attractive. She mentioned a guy in her college class (she's taking classes but is in her forties) who is very good looking. So maybe I can role play a student in her college class? I have a feeling she has no interest in role playing but it's worth a try.

Maybe we need to work more on communicating about sexual desires, and what works etc first of all as there is very little of that beyond what position do you want.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Don't test your wife. It's just passive aggressive and won't get you anywhere. If you want to look at porn, have a conversation with her about it. Don't just whip it out while you're watching a show together to see how she'll react. 

Also- role playing real people who she actually sees daily could get messy and awkward so if you go that route, don't be him, IMO.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> If you want to look at porn, have a conversation with her about it. Don't just whip it out while you're watching a show together to see how she'll react.


I already watch porn privately. I suppose I could have just asked her, what do you think about me watching porn? So I was wrong for doing that. Ultimately she feels it's not necessary for a married man having sex to watch it which I find odd.


SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Also- role playing real people who she actually sees daily could get messy and awkward so if you go that route, don't be him, IMO.


Ok, so a more general approach is better. As someone in his forties I don't know how it would even be possible to role play a young college student anyway. Her teacher maybe, but a student would be a stretch.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

erotica is considered porn by definition.

her double standard of its ok for her to read erotica(50 shades of gray) but because because your having sex you shouldn't look at porn doesn't fly. ask her about it start the conversation again. Ask why she need erotica if you are having sex.

did she read 50 shades on the couch while you were watching tv? 

mho is its a huge double standard that women read romance novels(most if not all have sex in them) while they take offence that men look at porn.

do it in a playful manor or she will shut down and ack as if your a dirty pig and shes just read a book.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I agree with SGC that taking out your ipad while next to your wife was really passive aggressive. If you are frustrated with your sex life then it is understandable but it just won't work.
I would not ask "what do you think about me watching porn? " I would tell her that you watch it.

There is nothing wrong with married people watching porn as long as they are meeting their partners needs, doesn't sound like your wife is doing that though. Might be time to stand up for yourself and tell her you are a normal, sexual person and you want to have a healthy sex life with her. "Not sure how on Earth you do that, I failed at it miserably but my ex was extremely LD and has emotional issues.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> did she read 50 shades on the couch while you were watching tv?


Well, I told her about the book and said she should read it, so that's different. She hasn't read any romance novels since then so she doesn't need it although she did enjoy 50 shades and got the sequel.

I wish she did want to read that type more.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Holland said:


> Might be time to stand up for yourself and tell her you are a normal, sexual person and you want to have a healthy sex life with her.


Since we have sex twice a week she believes we do have a healthy sex life. Considering we are in our forties and how little sex her other girl friends have I tend to agree with her.

Last night I mentioned I'd like her to initiate more. I asked her if she was just having duty sex and she said no, she enjoys it too. Maybe I'm just frustrated for no real reason and should be happy with what I have.


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