# Begging for help!! don’t know WTF should I do



## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

Hi everyone, I accidentally found this forum and you guys seem like such a nice bunch! request you all to help me with my situation, so here goes. I have been married for the last 1.5 years. This is an arranged marriage in the Indian culture. Despite that, we used to meet a lot in our 2.5-3 month ‘courtship period’ and most of these ‘meetings’ were at my house, only went out 2-3 times, seems like she wasn’t really interested in going out to eat with me, we even had sex a few times. Even when we did/ do go out she seems to be lost in some thought and keeps noticing the people around her which is very irritating, don’t know why? when I ask her about this she says she has a habit of noticing everyone around her.

Now this is where **** starts to go down. I belong to a family which neither drinks nor smokes and I don’t do either as well. All I wanted from marriage was complete honesty and got the complete opposite. One day before marriage, my wife was showing me some photos on her phone and I accidentally saw photographs and videos of her partying, drinking and smoking the night away and a couple of photos of her eating with a guy in a pub on the next day. On asking her about all this she said her family/some friends told her not to do this as it would jeopardise her chances of marrying me and that she only met that guy in a pub once or twice BUT he was not her boyfriend. She even hid that she had a bachelor party from me. I never was in a relationship before and only had sex with 3 working girls out of frustration before meeting her. Desperate, I still decided to marry her.

After marriage I made a facebook account and decided to add her as a friend. Before adding me she unfriended quite a few people. On her phone while she was checking her FB block list I wanted to make a call as my phone’s battery died and lo and behold she had blocked that same guy with who I saw her photograph and there were a few other guys too. On asking her about this she said she doesn’t want to talk with any of them after marriage so she blocked them and she has never been in a relationship before.
Only one of these guys from her list is blocked on Instagram but she is not following any of the other ones and neither are they. Whenever I question her about her past, she only says she doesn’t want to hurt me and sometimes doesn’t say a word at all and changes the topic completely. Otherwise our relationship seems fine even our sex life is quite good.

I am extemely stressed about all this, what/who else is she hiding? how do I get her to open up to me about her past so that I can really get to know her and we can come as close as possible? I feel so screwed, please help 🙏


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Have you dated other women prior to marriage?

How old are you guys?

Any kids?

Do you believe that she cheated while you were engaged? 
Specifically, that she met the guy at the party (spend the night with him) and therefore spent the next day with him.

Do you suspect her of cheating now?

Is she maintaining contact with male and female 'friends' from her partying days?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You think you want complete honesty but you don't. Once you know something you don't like you will never see your wife in the same light again so do yourself a favor & stop asking. She has a past. Just accept that. She married you & she wants to be a good faithful wife to you. She will probably do that if you shut up about her past. The more you nag & pester her, the more she will feel judged & then she will lie to you because it's the path of least resistance. 

Just because somebody was "friends" with somebody on social media does not mean they had a substantial connection IRL. Some folks just add random people. Virtual friendships are meaningless. She did the honorable thing by disconnecting with many of those people now that she's marriage. Celebrate the fact that she is putting you first. 

Focus on how she treats you & how she behaves IN your marriage. Stop being hung up on what she did before. You are upset because it seems she lived life while you did not. Your jealousy may be understandable but it's no reason to blow up your marriage. Have all the adventures you never got to have a single guy now together with her. Travel. Flirt. Enjoy the sexual aspects of your marriage but stop dwelling in the past because nothing good will come of that.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You have an arranged marriage. The time to get to know about her past was before you married. What are you alternatives?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Msippy82 said:


> Hi everyone, I accidentally found this forum and you guys seem like such a nice bunch! request you all to help me with my situation, so here goes. I have been married for the last 1.5 years. This is an arranged marriage in the Indian culture. Despite that, we used to meet a lot in our 2.5-3 month ‘courtship period’ and most of these ‘meetings’ were at my house, only went out 2-3 times, seems like she wasn’t really interested in going out to eat with me, we even had sex a few times. Even when we did/ do go out she seems to be lost in some thought and keeps noticing the people around her which is very irritating, don’t know why? when I ask her about this she says she has a habit of noticing everyone around her.
> 
> Now this is where **** starts to go down. I belong to a family which neither drinks nor smokes and I don’t do either as well. All I wanted from marriage was complete honesty and got the complete opposite. One day before marriage, my wife was showing me some photos on her phone and I accidentally saw photographs and videos of her partying, drinking and smoking the night away and a couple of photos of her eating with a guy in a pub on the next day. On asking her about all this she said her family/some friends told her not to do this as it would jeopardise her chances of marrying me and that she only met that guy in a pub once or twice BUT he was not her boyfriend. She even hid that she had a bachelor party from me. I never was in a relationship before and only had sex with 3 working girls out of frustration before meeting her. Desperate, I still decided to marry her.
> 
> ...


The only possible reason at this point to learn about her past is to hold it against her and get jealous.

I second the you think you want to know but you don't.

You say you have a good relationship and sex is quite good. Either enjoy that and build on it or divorce her for her past. Anything in between will just lead to jealousy from you and hard feelings from her.

If you really wanted to know you should have pushed about the pictures when you first found them.

Now if you think she is being dishonest about the present and sending private messages or meeting men now that is a different story. If it is just past people then leave it in the past. If she has blocked and unfriended these people from the past that is a good indicator that she has good boundaries and doesn't want any of these people to mess up her current marriage.


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## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

So I should just accept the fact that I’ll never get to know anything about her past? what did I do to deserve this?



Robert22205 said:


> Have you dated other women prior to marriage?
> 
> How old are you guys?
> 
> ...


No
29
Nope
Seems pretty faithful to me
No, no male ‘friends’ I know of


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## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

Her past does come up on way or another even when I am not intending to ask anything


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Msippy82 said:


> So I should just accept the fact that I’ll never get to know anything about her past? what did I do to deserve this?
> 
> 
> No
> ...


It isn't a matter of deserving this. You had a chance to push her about her past before marriage.

Life isn't some game or balance sheet or movie.

You basically have 3 choices.
1. Divorce her for being dishonest before you got married.
2. Pursue this and get both you and her mad. Build resentment and divorce in a few years after you have kids and no sex and bad attitudes.
3. Put it in the past. What does it really matter? If you are happy now why does the past change anything? REALLY? think about it. Do you want what you have right now to disappear.

So don't think of it as what you deserve but ask yourself what you really want. Cause it is unlikely you can have the whole past and a happy future.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Sooo....you're upset that your wife blocked/unfriended people on her social media accounts that you wouldn't have liked her having on her social media accounts? You're mad because she's _no_t staying in touch with people from her single days? 

I'm confused. What would you rather she did? 

If you wanted someone pure as the driven snow, then you should have done your due diligence _before_ you married her. But, _you've paid for prostitutes_ in the past, so maybe persecuting your wife for partying before she ever met you is a little....hypocritical? 

As long as you are both faithful within the marriage and your marriage is stable and happy, why would you continue to do something that endangers that? Are you looking for a way out of the marriage? Or are you just getting off on the idea of punishing your wife for something she can't change that happened before you two met?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Msippy82 said:


> what did I do to deserve this?


You accepted an arranged marriage? I don't want to be disrespectful (far from it), but this is one of the consequences.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rowan said:


> I'm confused. What would you rather she did?


He is upset because that's probably the proof that she's been with lots of guys before their marriage. That said, it's the correct thing for his wife to do.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> It isn't a matter of deserving this. You had a chance to push her about her past before marriage.
> 
> Life isn't some game or balance sheet or movie.
> 
> ...


Only if she would have been honest. She hid things on purpose so she could marry OP.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ABHale said:


> Only if she would have been honest. She his things on purpose so she could marry OP.


And yet he found out and she showed him before marriage.
He chose to go forward with the marriage.
He could have demanded more answers then.
He could have chose not to marry.
He could still choose to divorce.

I am only outlining the 3 possible choices now.
What exactly do you envision happening?


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## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> And yet he found out and she showed him before marriage.
> He chose to go forward with the marriage.
> He could have demanded more answers then.
> He could have chose not to marry.
> ...


TBH some things like the block list I found out after marriage


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## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> It isn't a matter of deserving this. You had a chance to push her about her past before marriage.
> 
> Life isn't some game or balance sheet or movie.
> 
> ...


IDK, I sometimes think that I am not her first and the special feelings she has for me now would be even more profound if I was her first, I feel someone else had her best years and this makes me so sad.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

The op seems to have brushed off his use of prostitutes in his past.
How does your wife feel about this seeing as you’re so concerned with total honesty?


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## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> The op seems to have brushed off his use of prostitutes in his past.
> How does your wife feel about this seeing as you’re so concerned with total honesty?


I am not brushing off anything, I have told her about this. It was out of frustration I swear to god


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Msippy82 said:


> IDK, I sometimes think that I am not her first and the special feelings she has for me now would be even more profound if I was her first, I feel someone else had her best years and this makes me so sad.


So you are sad because she wasn't your first but you may not be her first.
You are sad because you had sex before marriage with her?
So again though what is the point looking back?
You want to be sad? 

I understand that you wanted her to be a virgin. But she either was or she wasn't. What does that change now? Deal with what you have now. Are you just looking for something to hold against her? Do you want to divorce?

If you want to divorce then divorce. If you don't then stop trying to change something that can't be changed.

Again you can divorce and look for a virgin.
But you claim your relationship and sex is good.
Go look around this site. Many married people do not have a good sexual relationship.

I can tell you my husband wasn't my first. I have a very profound relationship with him. We have been married 27 years. We love each other, we have frequent good sex. We love being around each other and I don't see how anything would be different if I had been a virgin. I can see how things would be different if after we were married he wanted to dwell on the past.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

It isn’t a consequence of an arranged marriage. 

It is the consequences of having the marriage with a liar. She knew her actions would end any chance of marriage with OP. So she hid her actions. You have only seen the tip of the iceberg of what she has done. 

There is only one thing to do, get the whole truth from your wife. Then decide if you can live with it. If you can, great. If you can’t, divorce.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Let’s go by what OP has posted. 

His wife wasn’t up front about anything. He found out by seeing pics of her being a party girl. Even then she has minimized her actions. 

OB was up front about never being in a relationship and only having sex 3 times with call girls. 

There was no honesty on her part.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Tell your wife to be honest with you or back her stuff and go home. 

I am kind of curious what could be so bad that she doesn’t want to tell. She talks about friends and family saying you would not marry her if you knew the truth. She then tells you that she doesn’t want to hurt you and doesn’t answer your questions. 

If you want the truth be prepared to be hurt. 

If she refuses then you a decision to make.


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## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

I am really confused


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

The past is the past. She cannot change what was or how she acted. Plus you knowing if she actually was promiscuous would just taint how you feel? Do you want a number? Do you want her to say you were the best? 

YOU ARE her first husband.. you will be the father of her children. She chose you to marry and spend her life with regardless of what was in the past. Plus she blocked all those people from her past. This is a slippery slope where if you do know the bad things, can you move past that? I think you need to focus on the present and her actions now. Grow with her from this point on. Have a conversation with her.. non judgemental.. and then drop it.. never again bring it up... and grow your marriage knowing that you are the one she picked to be with.


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## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

Pip’sJourney said:


> The past is the past. She cannot change what was or how she acted. Plus you knowing if she actually was promiscuous would just taint how you feel? Do you want a number? Do you want her to say you were the best?
> 
> YOU ARE her first husband.. you will be the father of her children. She chose you to marry and spend her life with regardless of what was in the past. Plus she blocked all those people from her past. This is a slippery slope where if you do know the bad things, can you move past that? I think you need to focus on the present and her actions now. Grow with her from this point on. Have a conversation with her.. non judgemental.. and then drop it.. never again bring it up... and grow your marriage knowing that you are the one she picked to be with.


See that’s the thing, even when I have asked her about her past relationships or even when, without me asking, she is about to tell me…she just says she doesn’t want to hurt to me or doesn’t say anything at all and switches the topic of conversation. This does stay on my mind a lot and it was my mistake thinking that she would open up after marriage.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am assuming you are both in India - do you mind me asking what part of India you are (both) from? I know the Indian culture quite well and I can fully understand where you are coming from. The reason I ask where you are from is because, as you know, premarital life is handled differently in different parts of India. Take Bombay for example, I would expect her to have had a "full social life" when compared with other parts like the heart of Gujrat etc. Again the same for Southern India and other parts.

You say you had sex with her before you guys were married (because, I guess, you were engaged to be married). Did she seem experienced? I am guessing you got the impression that you were not her first. It would be normal to ask her about this (in India) before marriage and you say that she did not want to reply saying that she did not want you to be hurt?!?!? What did you make of that answer? Was she implying that her number was high or the fact that she was not a virgin? Did it matter to you at the time?

Now on to the real matter at hand - it sounds like she has not gotten over her previous boyfriend. She is lying to you starting with her saying that he was not her boyfriend. Also that she was out drinking and partying with him and even going on dates and still maintaining a platonic relationship. And now sort of deleting stuff on her social media messaging before you can see it. And yet you say you do not believe that she is cheating. Emotional cheating is still cheating.

So do you believe that she is still in love with him. I am assuming that your marriage was arranged. Why did they not arrange a marriage with him? Was he not available, not good enough, what?

You need to gather any info you can on what she was deleting somehow. And then you need to be able to walk away from this marriage if she gives you any idea that she is still pining for him and was forced to marry you.

Let me know what you think of what I have said.


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## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> I am assuming you are both in India - do you mind me asking what part of India you are (both) from? I know the Indian culture quite well and I can fully understand where you are coming from. The reason I ask where you are from is because, as you know, premarital life is handled differently in different parts of India. Take Bombay for example, I would expect her to have had a "full social life" when compared with other parts like the heart of Gujrat etc. Again the same for Southern India and other parts.
> 
> You say you had sex with her before you guys were married (because, I guess, you were engaged to be married). Did she seem experienced? I am guessing you got the impression that you were not her first. It would be normal to ask her about this (in India) before marriage and you say that she did not want to reply saying that she did not want you to be hurt?!?!? What did you make of that answer? Was she implying that her number was high or the fact that she was not a virgin? Did it matter to you at the time?
> 
> ...


Ok, let me make on thing clear. I only saw one pic of her with a guy at a pub which was of 2017. I met her in Oct. 2019. The rest were with her girlfriends with no guy in sight which is why I don’t believe she was cheating on me. She was implying she had a relationship(s) before IMO not that the number was high.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

YOU are from a country that is changing very fast , 
the problem is it looks like you wife is from a background that has embarrassed change faster than you , 
you have got to enjoy the new life style with her and she has in ways helped you make that jump 
you have to put your marriage before your family and old life style 
this is not easy and the culture you come from is stuck between to cultures 

it is hard for us to give advice as we don't know fully your culture 
I have had friends on Facebook from India that explain a bit of your culture 
but it is hard for us to fully understand the difference and the rules that still are a big part of older peoples life 

arranged marriage is something that is starting to become a thing of the past 
part of her not wanting to say anything about the past is because everything is against the costumes
sex before marriage is against it so have you told her you have been to working girls / escorts 
it could be that you have more to hide than her 
the only way you will get to know her past is to show her that you 
are willing to except her warts and all 
plus you have to show her that you want this new life and that you want to build a life with her 
with out judging her


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Msippy82 said:


> Ok, let me make on thing clear. I only saw one pic of her with a guy at a pub which was of 2017. I met her in Oct. 2019. The rest were with her girlfriends with no guy in sight which is why I don’t believe she was cheating on me.


true but you know your culture and your countries culture would make it look as if she was a escort even if she just danced with a boy ,
it is not easy to be a woman in India even today with all the changes


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## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> YOU are from a country that is changing very fast ,
> the problem is it looks like you wife is from a background that has embarrassed change faster than you ,
> you have got to enjoy the new life style with her and she has in ways helped you make that jump
> you have to put your marriage before your family and old life style
> ...


Whenever the topic of love vs arranged comes up she says she WANTED an arranged marriage because she couldn’t guarantee how good/bad her future husband’s family would be, best to leave it to her parents.



frenchpaddy said:


> true but you know your culture and your countries culture would make it look as if she was a escort even if she just danced with a boy ,
> it is not easy to be a woman in India even today with all the changes


But I am not like that, neither is my family. She could have been much more open to me instead of leaving me stressed about what could happen.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Msippy82 said:


> am extemely stressed about all this, what/who else is she hiding? how do I get her to open up to me about her past so that I can really get to know her and we can come as close as possible? I feel so screwed, please help 🙏


Do you want to know because you want to know her, what experiences shaped her, how she thinks, and so on? Because if there is any other motive then don't.

If you sincerely nonjudgmentally want to know her then you need to make her feel comfortable telling you things you might not want to hear. This comes with communication and closeness. Openly tell her you know there is more to her past, you want to get to know the woman you married, you want to have closeness and intimacy, and you won't judge her. But only say these things if you very, deeply, sincerely, mean them. Because if you get upset, if you judge her, she will never trust you enough to open up again.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

First off, you need to have ground rules about expectations of fidelity and honesty.

It seems like you pretty much know the truth, even though she hasn't admitted it.

You probably need to create a safe space for her to tell you the truth of her pre-marriage self, but then not hammer her for it moving forward if you want the marriage to work. Going into retroactive jealousy won't help this.

She screwed up by not being fully up-front and honest with you about her past, she also seemed correct that you would judge her about this. You screwed up by finding out some of this and proceeding with marriage even though it was not fully addressed at the time.

Her past is her past, there is no way to change it now, but she needs to be honest with you about it. You'll have to figure out if you can agree to move forward with it or not.

If what you think she did is a deal breaker, then you have a deal breaker, and should move on.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

is it important to you if she was a virgin before you got married ,


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

re16 said:


> First off, you need to have ground rules about expectations of fidelity and honesty.
> 
> It seems like you pretty much know the truth, even though she hasn't admitted it.
> 
> ...


do you know her have you been playing in India YOU DIRTY DOG lol
i think he thinks the worst and the truth is a lot less than what he is dreaming up 
he has asked us a lot of questions about the woman he is living with 
if she was good enough for who ever arranged the marriage , 
she had one photo with a man holy god what shame this could bring on the family 
she was in a room with drink and people there smoked 
and it must have been weed the woman has no shame , 

truth is the woman is a saint compared to girls 15 / 16 where we come from ,


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

frenchpaddy said:


> truth is the woman is a saint compared to girls 15 / 16 where we come from ,


You are likely correct, which is why he should allow her to tell him what she did, and then he should accept it.

I view this issue as mostly his for not probing this when he knew it was out there pre-marriage.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Msippy82 said:


> IDK, I sometimes think that I am not her first and the special feelings she has for me now would be even more profound if I was her first, I feel someone else had her best years and this makes me so sad.


Don't be sad. First times are not magical or romantic. They are usually painful, awkward & messy. They are not what they are made out to be in the movies. 

Instead the healthy, robust sex life you enjoy with your spouse is what one should aspire to. You love each other. You trust each other. You know each others likes, dislikes & preferences. It's so much better than fumbling about trying to figure this out. 

The feelings she has for you are so much more profound because you are her husband. 

You have her best years & decades of them are in front of you, not the childish foolishness that may have preceded the marriage. Those boys are in the past. Leave them there. She has. All you saw was 1 picture from *2 years before you met her* of her in a pub with a guy & that guy has now been deleted from her social media along with several other men. To me that says she is taking her vows seriously. She is committed to you & she got rid of meaningless orbiters. 

Learn about a concept called the wh0re / Madonna complex. You are upset because you may not have gotten there 1st but you don't even know that. You know she went to a pub with a different guy & you know she had sex with you before marriage. Your own fears are making you crazy. Your thought processes around this are going to destroy your marriage.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

D0nnivain said:


> You think you want complete honesty but you don't. Once you know something you don't like you will never see your wife in the same light again so do yourself a favor & stop asking. She has a past. Just accept that.


What a defeatist mindset. I say keep digging Msippy82.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

ABHale said:


> It isn’t a consequence of an arranged marriage.
> 
> It is the consequences of having the marriage with a liar. She knew her actions would end any chance of marriage with OP. So she hid her actions. You have only seen the tip of the iceberg of what she has done.
> 
> There is only one thing to do, get the whole truth from your wife. Then decide if you can live with it. If you can, great. If you can’t, divorce.


I'm glad those days are over in the western world.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

My marriage was also arranged and I am the woman in this story. My first years were a mess; my husband was like you. 

What you have is wife material. And your problems are going to eat you up (they already are). 

No social media in those days, my husband had never been drunk and didn’t smoke. I loved that he experienced sex and love, he was human. He was livid that I was human too and did human things. Most of them innocent things driven by youth and a desire to experience and learn 

One look at my photo album, and things went very downhill. I was open and honest about my past, and very very committed to him and in love with him. I had a desire to have a new life - together!! 

Your wife BLOCKED all those guys from her past. Read through these boards and count how many grown adults are chatting online to exes and members of the opposite sex, insisting on their rights to do this! Marriages end and hearts are broken… and you are in a tailspin because your wife doesn’t want to have contact with these guys now that she’s married?? 

Are you really that sad that she went to some nightclubs?? 

Here’s an idea: I bet if you showed some curiosity and interest in her… you could do this together? We don’t just go out to party to have sex with other men and get drunk. 

Your wife loved life, music, dancing and socialising. I bet she would love her man, her husband to go out with her and do those things. To shop together for an outfit! To book an appointment at the salon - you to get your hair cut, her to get waxed and made up. To shower together and get ready. To laugh and sit in a taxi and hold hands because you might both decide to have some alcohol. 

To kiss on the dance floor to a song that you’ll both remember, and tell your kids about. To ask a stranger to take a photo of you together, a photo she can’t wait to upload to her Facebook/Insta … until the hour comes that you can’t wait to go home together and have sex. Together. 

Do you want this? 

Or are you going to spend the rest of your life thinking about who she was and all the things she did that you’ll never do. You will start resenting every single experience she ever had, down to a food she tried at a particular beach during a particular season while a particular song was playing. You will start to hate that she read a particular book, that she may have been better at maths, that she is close to a female friend the list will grow and grow and grow. 

Your wife has let go and is committed to you. She is blocking guys from social media because She is behaving like a married woman. 

Enjoy her and enjoy the possibilities ahead. Or eat yourself up with this insanity; but don’t take that sweet creature along for the ride. She is marriage material and you cannot see it. 

And do read the infidelity section and see what other men are going through, who have wives who chat with guys, party with co-workers, text their male friends day and night.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Msippy82 said:


> Whenever the topic of love vs arranged comes up she says she WANTED an arranged marriage because she couldn’t guarantee how good/bad her future husband’s family would be, best to leave it to her parents.
> 
> 
> But I am not like that, neither is my family. She could have been much more open to me instead of leaving me stressed about what could happen.


I am sure that there are secrets in your family too and things your mother and father did. Remember, everybody was young once and you make a strong statement when you say ‘we are not like that, I am not like that’. 

Your family is not superior to hers. You are off to a very bad start young man, I do feel sorry for how insular you are. 

And I know enough about arranged marriages to know that both families know everything (all the dark secrets too 😉) about the other family. They dig very deeply to ensure the match will be a good one. You seem shocked and surprised and superior and I worry very much for your wife.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dude you married a living breathing human being. You should have married a doll, that seems to be as realistic as your expectations were. If you wanted to have a women with no life experiences you shouldn't have waited until you were 29.

It is what it is. Accept it.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Msippy82 said:


> Hi everyone, I accidentally found this forum and you guys seem like such a nice bunch! request you all to help me with my situation, so here goes. I have been married for the last 1.5 years. This is an arranged marriage in the Indian culture. Despite that, we used to meet a lot in our 2.5-3 month ‘courtship period’ and most of these ‘meetings’ were at my house, only went out 2-3 times, seems like she wasn’t really interested in going out to eat with me, we even had sex a few times. Even when we did/ do go out she seems to be lost in some thought and keeps noticing the people around her which is very irritating, don’t know why? when I ask her about this she says she has a habit of noticing everyone around her.
> 
> Now this is where **** starts to go down. I belong to a family which neither drinks nor smokes and I don’t do either as well. All I wanted from marriage was complete honesty and got the complete opposite. One day before marriage, my wife was showing me some photos on her phone and I accidentally saw photographs and videos of her partying, drinking and smoking the night away and a couple of photos of her eating with a guy in a pub on the next day. On asking her about all this she said her family/some friends told her not to do this as it would jeopardise her chances of marrying me and that she only met that guy in a pub once or twice BUT he was not her boyfriend. She even hid that she had a bachelor party from me. I never was in a relationship before and only had sex with 3 working girls out of frustration before meeting her. Desperate, I still decided to marry her.
> 
> ...


It is mentality like yours the keep women in your culture subjugated, and very prone to be killed. Forgive me, but I'm not saying that you would react that way, but that the mentality to which you are rationally subscribing by way of how you were culturally raised, it's the mentality that in its extremes causes females in your culture to be subjected to whatever men decide. 

Just think about it, if you would have been borne in the USA for example, this would not have been an issue to you because she wouldn't have had to resort to lying to you in order for the relationship to continue. 

Whatever she did was because she knew of your way of thinking, and she chose to hide things that most likely in a Western culture wouldn't matter at all. 

I'm not condoning her lying, just trying to give an input as how she must be looking at things from a female perspective in your culture in order to survive .


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

You've got it better than most. She blocked people she saw as a threat to the relationship. That means real commitment. You don't have to worry about the men of her past. You shouldn't be looking through her phone or asking too many questions about her past. You slept with prostitutes for crying out loud. Now you want a princess from a fairy tale.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> is it important to you if she was a virgin before you got married ,


He had sex with her before they got married.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> He had sex with her before they got married.


 he had sex with prostitutes 
who is keeping score 
how often do we get men saying "I can't get over her past " 

*Regardless of what did, or didn’t happen in the wife’s past, dealing with unwanted curiosity and intrusive thoughts can be exhausting, depressing, and extremely frustrating. 
And let me be absolutely clear: there is no “overnight fix” for retroactive jealousy concerning your wife’s past. To get to the bottom of this issue takes some effort, humility, dedication, and an open mind. 

he has to Stop talking to your wife about her past. but in this case every word every where anything from the wife's past is reason to think she was doing something he wanted but had to pay for 
*
*It’s extremely difficult to get past your wife’s past if you’re still grappling with whether or not your wife’s past is a “deal-breaker.”
he is not long together so i say to him *
* Think hard about your values—and make a decision, one way or the other.
can how it can effect his life and hers , there is a lot at stake here *

*What is NOT an option is keeping one foot in, one foot out of the relationship, sporadically “punishing” your wife for her past for the foreseeable future. *
Unfortunately, at the same time there are numerous bitter, misogynistic, ridiculously insecure men out there who think they have all the answers when it comes to women, who is “wife material” and who is not, what is an “acceptable” number of past partners, who is a “****” and who’s not, and how to think about a woman’s past. 

you have to be true to your own values but you have to have the same values yourself as to the ones you demand of her , 
This serves a dual purpose: it helps you remember why you married your wife in the first place, and it also helps you reflect on how she has grown as a person.

Are you the same person you were when you were 20? I hope not.

I look back on my former self, and some of my past decisions, and cringe. 

Now, I try to be kind to myself, and I accept that I was then, and am now, a work in progress, and all of my mistakes led to the man I am today,

* it’s likely that your wife’s past isn’t all that different from most other modern women.*
So think about how your wife has changed since you met her.

Has she demonstrated good values? Is she committed to self-improvement? Has she improved your life as a man? Does she bring joy, love, fulfillment to your life?

If the answer is “no,” your marriage has a much bigger problem than just retroactive jealousy.

But if the answer is “yes,” you have a lot to be thankful for. And isn’t your wife’s love, her affection, your joy and fulfillment, more important than her past?


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## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

Some great advice here, thanks everyone 🙏


Luckylucky said:


> I am sure that there are secrets in your family too and things your mother and father did. Remember, everybody was young once and you make a strong statement when you say ‘we are not like that, I am not like that’.
> 
> Your family is not superior to hers. You are off to a very bad start young man, I do feel sorry for how insular you are.
> 
> And I know enough about arranged marriages to know that both families know everything (all the dark secrets too 😉) about the other family. They dig very deeply to ensure the match will be a good one. You seem shocked and surprised and superior and I worry very much for your wife.


By saying I am not ‘like that’ doesn’t mean I consider myself superior to her but it means I am very open to her drinking but I hate that she lied about it when I asked her before, she said she only had tasted a drink once in her life at a friend’s birthday party. I am from the same culture and If I can be open about my past why can’t she and will she ever be? honestly neither of the 2 families did such a high level of investigation as you’re saying. Pretty much anything in her past involving guys, smoking, drinking or partying she has tries to eithet minimise the conversation or change the topic completely even when I asked her before marriage and I feel that to be very close to each other we need to be open about our past lives. I have almost given up on the idea that I’ll ever get to know more about her past, to understand her better instead I’ll just try to forget about it and move on


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, I must say, you certainly seem determined to throw the baby out with the bath water.


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## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

syhoybenden said:


> throw the baby out with the bath water.


I made a mistake not stressing on her past when I found out about her partying habits before marriage. Sometimes stuff from her past comes up (in her phone/while talking) even when we are not looking for it and I try to ignore it because I know she will never be clear about it. Should I completely give up on the hope that I’ll ever get to know her better?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

what makes you think she is not telling you the truth, 
just may be she feels under examination
a lot will depend on showing her trusting you is safe 
girls have found themselves divorced for very little in the past , you have to show her you want to build together a life of trust and none judgmental, 
this shows the bad idea of getting marred to what was a stranger , 
you are married it should be for life or at least with that idea 
marriage is not a test drive


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## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> what makes you think she is not telling you the truth,
> just may be she feels under examination
> a lot will depend on showing her trusting you is safe
> girls have found themselves divorced for very little in the past , you have to show her you want to build together a life of trust and none judgmental,
> ...


She isn’t. When her past had come up in a conversation she has sometimes told me she doesn’t want to hurt me and she says ‘I love you and that’s all that matters’. Even recently when I asked her why was her college time ‘the best time of her life’ she gave a very vague answer while hiding a tear.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She won't open up until she trusts you. She won't trust you if she thinks you're going to divorce her if you don't like some of her answers. She's in a catch-22 - damned if she does and damned if she doesn't.

You do understand what partying means, don't you? It typically means alcohol consumed with members of the opposite sex. You knew this about her before marriage. If you had dealbreakers, then was the time to make them known. However, you didn't press for the info. It's like leasing a car and _*then *_reading the fine print in the contract. 

If I were you, I would assume she drank like a fish and had sex with multiple men/women. Then decide if you want to stay married to her. And, stop the inquisition.


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## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> She won't open up until she trusts you. She won't trust you if she thinks you're going to divorce her if you don't like some of her answers. She's in a catch-22 - damned if she does and damned if she doesn't.
> 
> You do understand what partying means, don't you? It typically means alcohol consumed with members of the opposite sex. You knew this about her before marriage. If you had dealbreakers, then was the time to make them known. However, you didn't press for the info. It's like leasing a car and _*then *_reading the fine print in the contract.
> 
> If I were you, I would assume she drank like a fish and had sex with multiple men/women. Then decide if you want to stay married to her. And, stop the inquisition.


I did press her but she tried to hide as much as she could


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

it is not good enough to just say "i love you and that is all that matters " 
there has to be trust and to be able trust both ways 
her response while it could be saying i see my self with you for ever it could be i love you and i want to love the other 10 guys 

why she needs to cover up her past WE don't know


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## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> it is not good enough to just say "i love you and that is all that matters "
> there has to be trust and to be able trust both ways
> her response while it could be saying i see my self with you for ever it could be i love you and i want to love the other 10 guys
> 
> why she needs to cover up her past WE don't know


What would you do if you were in my situation?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> She won't open up until she trusts you. She won't trust you if she thinks you're going to divorce her if you don't like some of her answers. She's in a catch-22 - damned if she does and damned if she doesn't.
> 
> You do understand what partying means, don't you? It typically means alcohol consumed with members of the opposite sex. You knew this about her before marriage. If you had dealbreakers, then was the time to make them known. However, you didn't press for the info. It's like leasing a car and _*then *_reading the fine print in the contract.
> 
> If I were you, I would assume she drank like a fish and had sex with multiple men/women. Then decide if you want to stay married to her. And, stop the inquisition.


no not all people think partying is drink drugs and sex the thing is they did not know each other they were pushed together no knowledge of each other the deal was done by getting two people of age and did not know where they were until it was too late , 

now they have to live with a stranger 

the op is not responding to questions placed here so I think both want to hold back the truth 
he was asked a few times if he has told her all about his past and the escorts 
he was asked how would he feel if she did the things he thinks she did 
when he is ready to say why and what is his deal barkers 
i would be happy to talk


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Msippy82 said:


> What would you do if you were in my situation?


 show her that your an open book , that she can tell you her darkest fantasies and secrets and not be judges as dirty or a bad person


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## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> show her that your an open book , that she can tell you her darkest fantasies and secrets and not be judges as dirty or a bad person


How?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

share your fantasies share your secrets in a way that shows her you are nude and your are not holding anything back , that you only want her to have a happy life and that you only want  the both of you to enjoy your life together

it can take a long time , to fully know each other 
don't push it


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## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> share your fantasies share your secrets in a way that shows her you are nude and your are not holding anything back , that you only want her to have a happy life and that you only want the both of you to enjoy your life together
> 
> it can take a long time , to fully know each other
> don't push it


I have no secrets to share, what do I do?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

frenchpaddy said:


> no not all people think partying is drink drugs and sex the thing is they did not know each other they were pushed together no knowledge of each other the deal was done by getting two people of age and did not know where they were until it was too late ,
> 
> now they have to live with a stranger
> 
> ...





Msippy82 said:


> I am not brushing off anything,* I have told her about this.* It was out of frustration I swear to god


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Msippy82 said:


> I have no secrets to share, what do I do?


 so you have told her about the prostates , and your fantasies ,


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## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> so you have told her about the prostates , and your fantasies ,


Escorts? yes, wht fantasies?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

i am not your wife but I am getting the feeling you are a saint from a super clean family with nothing to hide 
and she has a past of partying , drinking , sex , and the wild girl


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

NTA said:


> I'm glad those days are over in the western world.


I don’t believe in arranged marriages. At the same time, I am not going to say it’s completely wrong for those that follow the tradition.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> i am not your wife but I am getting the feeling you are a saint from a super clean family with nothing to hide
> and she has a past of partying , drinking , sex , and the wild girl


This is a little demeaning towards the OP. 

Is it the culture, money or his family’s values your hate?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

you see i don't know you , 
and i know what your wife is like less , so I don't know if around the fire on cold winter nights did her family tell her stories about women that got divorced because their husband found out something silly , 
i don't know if she is a woman that does not see how it is important to build trust in a relationship 
or if she is a person that can't tell the truth ,


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Dude you married a living breathing human being. You should have married a doll, that seems to be as realistic as your expectations were. If you wanted to have a women with no life experiences you shouldn't have waited until you were 29.
> 
> It is what it is. Accept it.


This is not true. There are still quite a few of us that aren’t ****ing anything with a pulse when single. 

There is a big difference between a party girl ****ing any guy she can and intimacy in a relationship. 

OP’s wife presented herself as never having a bf, little miss innocent.


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## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> i am not your wife but I am getting the feeling you are a saint from a super clean family with nothing to hide
> and she has a past of partying , drinking , sex , and the wild girl


What? I told her my darkest secret. I have nothing to hide


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

ABHale said:


> This is a little demeaning towards the OP.
> 
> Is it the culture, money or his family’s values your hate?


 it is in no way demeaning , his opening post states his comes from a family that don't drink or smoke ,
and that she lived a party life style , his words not mine ,
he said nothing of money and I don't hate him 
I THINK it is important to tell the truth and to help him as i can not tell her all I can advise him is to try to make the environment for telling the truth as easy as possible 

sorry if my responses give the image that i dislike the op 
THINK IT IS BEST IF i don't respond to this topic ,


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> he had sex with prostitutes
> who is keeping score
> how often do we get men saying "I can't get over her past "
> 
> ...


That is if his wife actually loves him. 

She sure as hell didn’t have a problem deceiving him.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> it is in no way demeaning , his opening post states his comes from a family that don't drink or smoke ,
> and that she lived a party life style , his words not mine ,
> he said nothing of money and I don't hate him
> I THINK it is important to tell the truth and to help him as i can not tell her all I can advise him is to try to make the environment for telling the truth as easy as possible
> ...


And you have continually ripped him for it.


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## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> it is in no way demeaning , his opening post states his comes from a family that don't drink or smoke ,
> and that she lived a party life style , his words not mine ,
> he said nothing of money and I don't hate him
> I THINK it is important to tell the truth and to help him as i can not tell her all I can advise him is to try to make the environment for telling the truth as easy as possible
> ...


Actually, money is a factor. My family is much more wealthy than hers. All that being said, she hasn’t asked me to take her for drinking till now and isn’t exactly partying with her friends anymore at least not that I know of.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Does she question you constantly about your past, and your experiences with the prostitutes? Relentlessly?

Do you live who she is now? Apart from this problem, tell us about your life together. Not the conversations about her college days and her count. Remove all of this and tell us about your leisure time, your meal times, you down times. Is this all you talk about?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

ABHale said:


> And you have continually ripped him for it.


 why not you subject to the op what he can do ,
you seem to have a beef against me I ask you to put me on ignore list


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

coming from a richer family should have nothing to do with been honest to each other , 



Msippy82 said:


> Actually, money is a factor. My family is much more wealthy than hers.


 partying with her friends are you not living together , how would you not know 



Msippy82 said:


> All that being said, she hasn’t asked me to take her for drinking till now and isn’t exactly partying with her friends anymore at least not that I know of.


 as far as i know the question is about knowing your wife's past 
which many here think you have the right to know 
as part of building trust 

it does seem to me getting married to a person and not knowing 
if they drink or smoke and not knowing if they were sexually active is more than an over site 
and more so in a culture that has a high respect for marriage,


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

I wouldn't marry someone without knowing their past. Too late for that, but I would find out about it now. If you bump into someone from her past, it's better to know about them beforehand. No one likes to be played the fool.

Hopefully it's not so bothersome to you that you can't handle it. As for virginity, it's not all it's cracked up to be, don't get hung up on that.

She sounds like she might be a nice, considerate girl. Get a bottle of wine, or your local equivalent, spend a quiet afternoon together, get her to open up & answer your questions, _deal with them calmly_ (a little alcohol will help with that), then make HER YOUR party girl!

Not at any of her old haunts, not with any of her old friends, find your own places, make them yours & open your vista on the world a little.

Oh, and just in case you aren't her first, get a few books on lovemaking & hone your skills. Make sure you're the best lover she's ever or could ever have.

I'm basing this on my impression that she is a nice person who cares about you and is worth working for. Also, you mentioned she likes to look at people when you're out. Maybe she enjoys people watching, try it as a couple, it's fun.

Remember, Keep Calm & Husband On!

Best of luck to you both.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> why not you subject to the op what he can do ,
> you seem to have a beef against me I ask you to put me on ignore list


I will argue with anyone that goes after a person based on their beliefs. 

Maybe all the women where you live are easy to bed, that isn’t the case where I live. Different cultures. 

You are going out of your way to demean and belittle OP for his beliefs.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

D0nnivain said:


> Don't be sad. First times are not magical or romantic. They are usually painful, awkward & messy. They are not what they are made out to be in the movies.
> 
> Instead the healthy, robust sex life you enjoy with your spouse is what one should aspire to. You love each other. You trust each other. You know each others likes, dislikes & preferences. It's so much better than fumbling about trying to figure this out.
> 
> ...


Experiencing everything for the first time with someone you love and married is special. Say what you will, that was the best part about my marriage with my wife. We tried everything together for the first time, I never got the “I tried that and didn’t like it speech”.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Msippy82 said:


> Should I completely give up on the hope that I’ll ever get to know her better?


Of course not. But try getting to know her better on all levels not just what you view as the bad / unacceptable parts of her past. When her past comes up don't just ask about the parties & what you think are the other men. Ask why she chose the school she did? why she chose her major? what did she want to be when she grew up? what was her favorite class? Ask more questions about the banal G rated stuff & eventually over time (months, years) she may open up. Get to know her as a person. 

You admit your family is more wealthy than her. You also explain that this is an arranged marriage. I know very little about cultures that still do this but it sounds like she married for money because that is what both sets of parents wanted. She probably felt like this -- marrying you -- was her duty & she was not allowed to say no. 

If you press for details about her past & whatever you think she is hiding which brings a tear to her eye what are you going to do when she finally confesses that there was another man, she loved him & would have preferred to marry him but could not because the families arranged a marriage to you? Once she says that out loud, that genie cannot be put back in the bottle. It will destroy your marriage forever. Do you honestly think that if she tells you she loved somebody else you will feel good & it will help your marriage? 

Now she is doing her duty. She got into this arranged marriage too. She put her past behind her. She says she loves you and she seems to be trying. You, however, want to throw that sacrifice & all her efforts away. If you find out that she has some great love out there, what then? Will you kick her to the curb & shame her? He may not want her because she will be a divorcee & his people may not approve. Her family will be horrified because you rejected & shamed their daughter. So what? Are you just going to condemn her because she was human & may have fallen in love before she did what your society expected of her by acquiescing to an arranged marriage with you? The truth in this instance will do more harm than good so leave it alone. 

By western standards I'm horrified on multiple levels but it's not fair to judge by those standards I'm trying to understand from inside your culture. I suggest you go talk to your parents. If you had an arranged marriage I suspect they did to. They must have had lives & maybe loves before they were forced together. 

IMO you really have to give her credit for putting effort into this marriage she probably didn't want. Instead you keep picking at the deepest most painful wound she has. That does not make you a nice person or a good husband. Both of you agreed to an arranged marriage. This is what happens so stop poking around in her past & do your best to build a happy solid future together because that is what is expected of you in your culture.


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## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> Of course not. But try getting to know her better on all levels not just what you view as the bad / unacceptable parts of her past. When her past comes up don't just ask about the parties & what you think are the other men. Ask why she chose the school she did? why she chose her major? what did she want to be when she grew up? what was her favorite class? Ask more questions about the banal G rated stuff & eventually over time (months, years) she may open up. Get to know her as a person.
> 
> You admit your family is more wealthy than her. You also explain that this is an arranged marriage. I know very little about cultures that still do this but it sounds like she married for money because that is what both sets of parents wanted. She probably felt like this -- marrying you -- was her duty & she was not allowed to say no.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice but just one thing, her parents wanted her to marry me but also asked her if she wanted to marry someone else even before I met her. It had been around a year since she was looking for a match.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Msippy82 said:


> See that’s the thing, even when I have asked her about her past relationships or even when, without me asking, she is about to tell me…she just says she doesn’t want to hurt to me or doesn’t say anything at all and switches the topic of conversation. This does stay on my mind a lot and it was my mistake thinking that she would open up after marriage.


Stop asking. Nothing good will come of this. And it's not attractive to her either. 

Women instinctively know it's not a good thing to discuss. Heed her wisdom and work on what you two have NOW, together. 

Put your energy and obsession into you two. Make her forget any other man. 

If you have to, look at it as a challenge: Get over it and work on your self esteem.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Msippy82 said:


> Thanks for the advice but just one thing, her parents wanted her to marry me but also asked her if she wanted to marry someone else even before I met her. It had been around a year since she was looking for a match.


So she choose you. Be happy.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Msippy82 said:


> Actually, money is a factor. My family is much more wealthy than hers. All that being said, she hasn’t asked me to take her for drinking till now and isn’t exactly partying with her friends anymore at least not that I know of.


Just give her sufficient time and have trust on each other. Stop bothering yourself by negative thoughts and don't let your relationship suffer. Talk and converse more with each other and grow more love and bonding. You guys should cherish the present. 
there is a side of me that thinks you have every right to get the truth and not be brushed off but try not let this get to you ,
we had a question from a woman a week or more ago she had lived the party life lots of sex and got married and husband found out her history and could not live with it , if you can look up that topic it would let you know that people here are on the two sides of this one with some thinking it is best to keep your secret garden and other thinking you have every right to know everything


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

There are a lot of assumptions about other men, other loves and all that. In many cultures, she might be embarrassed simply by a coffee date.


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## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

But how do I help her get over her past and not be teary eyed sometimes when it comes up? I feel so sad when that happens…


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Msippy82 said:


> But how do I help her get over her past and not be teary eyed sometimes when it comes up? I feel so sad when that happens…


In general if she feels you accept her for who she is then she will be less upset.

However, partly she may be upset with herself. I know my husband accepts me and this has created a very strong bond. It has also helped me be emotionally more stable and happy.

The question is how have you reacted. You two are new to each other and still getting to know each other. Some people can accept others for who they are. But many can't. You have to know who you are. You need to decide what you really want and look at possible / probable outcomes. I make decisions on what I want to happen. Realistically. Not pie in the sky.

Very few people I know are capable of accepting others.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

can you help us understand arranged marriages, are they still so prominent among Indians , is it because marriage is not seen as two people falling in love. is it seen as two families joining together, and as a duty and privilege . are you happy to uphold tradition.
how is divorce seen in your culture 
i think you have no intention on getting a divorce , 
how important is it to you to know 
I wanted to know my wifes past not to have anything to use against her but to know her better , 
some people want to know and when they find out they wish they did not know , 




Msippy82 said:


> But how do I help her get over her past and not be teary eyed sometimes when it comes up? I feel so sad when that happens…


 I don't know , i wish I HAD THE magic response for you but a woman that does not want you knot know might never want you to know , 
and this could eat you up , because you could think it is worse than it is , and the danger is now if she tells you how will you know if what she tells is the truth and all the truth


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I said the above and I guess should have elaborated.

For instance if you push her to tell you everything depending on how you push then that in itself is a form of non-acceptance and indicates that there maybe something you feel you can't accept.

If she tells you something and you react poorly, say certain things then even if 'you get over them' your response will be with her forever. She will always remember it no matter how much you say oh I'm over it, I accept you. This will lead her to feel unsafe with her emotions with you and lead to a common distanced marriage. I don't have that distance but many marriages do.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> I said the above and I guess should have elaborated.
> 
> For instance if you push her to tell you everything depending on how you push then that in itself is a form of non-acceptance and indicates that there maybe something you feel you can't accept.
> 
> If she tells you something and you react poorly, say certain things then even if 'you get over them' your response will be with her forever. She will always remember it no matter how much you say oh I'm over it, I accept you. This will lead her to feel unsafe with her emotions with you and lead to a common distanced marriage. I don't have that distance but many marriages do.


true


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## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> In general if she feels you accept her for who she is then she will be less upset.
> 
> However, partly she may be upset with herself. I know my husband accepts me and this has created a very strong bond. It has also helped me be emotionally more stable and happy.
> 
> ...


Why do you think she would be upset with herself?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

It could be anything really.

You say you don't drink. 

Maybe she could be upset that one time she drank too much. Many people project others 'feelings' onto themselves. So when they are around more conservative people they project that conservatism on themselves. Some women are almost trained to do this depends on the parents and culture. So at the time her friends maybe were into having fun and drinking so at the time it was fun and young and dumb. Then she marries you and now views those actions through what she perceives your values to be and is now upset she did that. It's something she can't change but something she can now feel 'bad' about forever.

This is where acceptance is tricky. You may not even care if one day she drank a little too much. But because you don't drink she may worry. Almost every human wants to be accepted. Almost every human especially woman feel they aren't good enough at some level. This is where acceptance can be so powerful. Almost every human wants to be liked for who they are and feel good enough.

So to me it doesn't really matter what she did or didn't do in the past. Show her each day that you love and accept her as the person she is now and you will have a chance at any incredible bond.

I can honestly say I don't know anyone who has the kind of relationship me and my husband enjoy. We are married 27 years and still can't get enough of each other and often wonder where did the time go.

Our main basic bond is we truly accept each other.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> is it important to you if she was a virgin before you got married ,


Couldn't have been a virgin, she had sex with OP before marriage.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Msippy82 said:


> Thanks for the advice but just one thing, her parents wanted her to marry me but also asked her if she wanted to marry someone else even before I met her. It had been around a year since she was looking for a match.


It's very progressive that her parents gave her a choice but what if the boy you think she still harbors feelings for did not have that choice? What if his parents had already picked his wife & it wasn't your GF? What if he died? Since you don't know why she's sad, you have to think long & hard about how much you want to push, how much you want to invade her privacy & what exactly you will do / think if the worst thing is revealed. Problem is whatever you think the worst thing is, the truth will be something else but you will still be bothered & if you react badly you could shatter her & your marriage. 

In the face of her taking steps to be a good wife & put the past behind her in favor of fully committing to you & your marriage I still say in this instance ignorance is bliss. 




Msippy82 said:


> But how do I help her get over her past and not be teary eyed sometimes when it comes up? I feel so sad when that happens…


It's not your job nor is it within your power to help her get over her past. Stop trying. 

It's good that you are sensitive to her being upset. The best thing you can do is hug her & say something along the lines of "I love you. I am so glad you are my wife. I hate seeing you upset when the past comes up. If there is anything you want to talk about, I'm happy to listen, no judgments." See what she says. Initially she's not going to open up. She still doesn't trust you or maybe she doesn't trust herself & is terrified you will leave her. Let her set the pace. If she changes the subject, go with that. Repeat the above the next time she gets upset. All you can do is be supportive. It's up to her if she wants to trust you with her secret & lean on you for support. You can't force her. 

Meanwhile you find reasons to celebrate the fact that you two are married & the other aspects of your marriage seem to be solid. Enjoy your sex life. Find firsts for the two of you as a couple. For example, both DH & I had been to California before we knew each other; still every trip there together is special because we make memories that define our marriage.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Msippy82 said:


> Why do you think she would be upset with herself?


I think she is probably embarrassed and disappointed in herself. I suspect she is fearful that she will damage the relationship with you because she may not live up to your standards. 


This is a tough situation. I can sympathize with the desire to know all the details of her past, but that may or may not make you feel any better. I think you have a few options. 

Explain to her that it is important for you to know her entire past and she needs to set aside her fear of hurting you. You need to know everything about the woman you are married to, even if she has changed from her past. That past is what has shaped her into the woman she is today. It needs to be unvarnished and straight up, good or bad. Her actions, like blocking people and cutting off contact with them in social media, to me, says she wants to be a different person than she once was and is committed to your marriage. However, she needs to confess everything that happened for the sake of openness and honesty with you. You need to get this done in one conversation if possible, so that it doesn’t drag on over days or weeks. You can ask questions to probe deeper, but it can’t come off as judgmental or she will just lock up. 

Now, what do you do with this information? Here I think you have two choices. One option is that it is too much for you to bear and you will have to end the marriage. I would not tell her this in advance or she will just try to cover up her past even more. The other option is you have to set it aside and look only to the future. You can’t keep beating her up over her past. If you choose the later, do you think you can live with the knowledge of her past without it constantly eating away at you and bringing it back up to her? If you can, then great, but remember she can’t change her past. If you don’t think you can get over it the right thing to do is divorce. 

Another option is drop the subject now. It seems she is committed to the marriage, sex is good, etc. I think if you choose this route, you have to tell her it is what you are doing. You are dropping it and you ask her to not bring it up because it will trigger bad feelings. This could be tough though, since over the long haul of a marriage it is unlikely that her past will never come up again. You may find yourself feeling the same way you do now 10-15 year later. 

And of course, ending the marriage now is an option, solely based on the fact that she wasn’t not completely honest about her past when you discussed it prior to marriage. 


If I were in your shoes I would want to her to tell me the whole story of her past. Even though I experience some retroactive jealousy I would want the whole story. Knowing just some of the details, as in your case, would just eat at me forever. Your mind starts making up stories to fill in the blanks and they are probably worse than reality. Just keep in mind, that you can’t go back. Once you have the knowledge you can’t undo it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

D0nnivain said:


> It's very progressive that her parents gave her a choice but what if the boy you think she still harbors feelings for did not have that choice? What if his parents had already picked his wife & it wasn't your GF? What if he died? Since you don't know why she's sad, you have to think long & hard about how much you want to push, how much you want to invade her privacy & what exactly you will do / think if the worst thing is revealed. Problem is whatever you think the worst thing is, the truth will be something else but you will still be bothered & if you react badly you could shatter her & your marriage.
> 
> In the face of her taking steps to be a good wife & put the past behind her in favor of fully committing to you & your marriage I still say in this instance ignorance is bliss.
> 
> ...


He has never said he thinks she harbors feelings for some boy from 2 years before they met. Simple she had a picture.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

i would advise not to have children until you feel your good in your heart and can live not knowing or that you are happy to get past this and put it behind you , from the topic a week or two ago it is important , and seems important to the op one way or the other


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> He has never said he thinks she harbors feelings for some boy from 2 years before they met. Simple she had a picture.


He also said that she doesn't want to talk about the past; seems to tear up when the subject comes up & has stated that college was the best time of her life. I postulated that she may be carrying a torch for somebody but we can't know for sure. Only she knows & she's not talking. 

Again this is why I'm advocating the ignorance is bliss theory because if my suspicion is correct the OP will be deep hurt.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Msippy82 said:


> Thanks for the advice but just one thing, her parents wanted her to marry me but also asked her if she wanted to marry someone else even before I met her. It had been around a year since she was looking for a match.


Was there anyone else your wife WANTED to marry?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

D0nnivain said:


> He also said that she doesn't want to talk about the past; seems to tear up when the subject comes up & has stated that college was the best time of her life. I postulated that she may be carrying a torch for somebody but we can't know for sure. Only she knows & she's not talking.
> 
> Again this is why I'm advocating the ignorance is bliss theory because if my suspicion is correct the OP will be deep hurt.


I agree with everything except the last. If she is carrying a torch for a old boyfriend, he could come back around. OP needs to know if this is the case.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Msippy82 said:


> I am really confused



You’re not confused. 

You just don’t like the reality and don’t like any of your options.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Msippy82 said:


> But how do I help her get over her past and not be teary eyed sometimes when it comes up? I feel so sad when that happens…


That part is easy, stop pressing her about it all the time and enjoy what you have now


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## Msippy82 (Aug 3, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> You’re not confused.
> 
> You just don’t like the reality and don’t like any of your options.


I accept that she has a past and won’t ask her anything about it, that’s it?


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Msippy82 said:


> But how do I help her get over her past and not be teary eyed sometimes when it comes up? I feel so sad when that happens…


OK, you _really_ need to have that talk over a bottle of wine.

Ignorance is _not_ bliss when you're not truly ignorant. You know enough to be concerned, she's getting teary eyed, you need to have a heart to heart talk and find exactly what happened and with whom.

Be supportive, if that is called for, be calm at all costs and maybe you two can form a close bond in the process.

Just don't, and this might be difficult, freak-out, scream or berate her. That will just drive a wedge between you. You already know you're going to hear things that won't make you happy. Be calm & supportive, but firm. No more changing the subject.

Hopefully she will open up to you share what you want (or need) to know and the two of you will be closer because of it.

Afterward, go somewhere private so you cry, punch holes in the wall, etc.


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