# Absolutely Devastated



## Yobsaxet (Nov 25, 2017)

Married back in 08 divorced in 11. We were young and clearly not ready. End up reuniting in 13 and started trying to grow together. We have our first and only kid who is turning 1 soon. Sex life changed during and after pregnancy and really was never the same since we got back together. Always a reason but I tried to be understanding. 

Come to find out, she has been sleeping with someone she dated while we were apart all along. Married man with his own home life with wife and kid. Not to mention I know him well. Now, it has come to light that our kid almost definitely isn’t mine. I am distraught to no end. 

I am 36 years old and totally want to go high school on this situation. How do I keep from losing my ****? How do I tell my mom / family the child isn’t mine.


----------



## doconiram (Apr 24, 2017)

To your basic question, you sit down with your mom/family and tell them the truth. Exposure will be good for you and bad for an affair. This is not your fault. 

Get a paternity test done. They are simple to do and painless.

Get checked for STDs, take care of yourself.
You didn't say if you were remarried. But if you are, see a lawyer and find out what your options are.
I strongly suggest that you consider a counselor.

Also, please let the other man's wife know that he likely fathered a child outside of their marriage. 

Read up on the 180 and implement it ASAP.

Do not resort to violence. That will only make things worse for you.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

DNA the kid to be sure.

Also, expose the affair to OM’s wife.

You’re preparing to divorce, right?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

So painful.

Initially, you both had young bones and that was a semi-legitimate excuse for them breaking when pressed.

Now, no bones about it. Her bones are old enough, having nine years to knit, excuse after excuse.

She is a user. A loser.

She loves the roof over her head.
And the married man's frame over her prone form.
Both give her comfort.

She gets two men for the price of one man's soul.
POSOM has none.

That leaves you holding the bag.
That leaves you holding the hag.

A deal for her, a deal for the baby.

No deal for you.

She has to go.

The baby is a gift. The horrible painful problem: It was 'not' wrapped especially for you.

So painful, this.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The doubly bad thing is.....

She wore, she swore 'no' protection when accepting his seed.

Her garden was fertile and ready for planting. 

And she went forward, wearing no ring.

Her belly blossomed while her soul slowly withered.

She is broken, her bones never knit quite right.
They healed at right angles to any moral sense or sight.

She let her 'feel good' over power 'real' good.

And now a life, a little child, a little bright sprite, bears witness to this, 'now feels bad'.
From this moment forward, This wayward women will really learn 'alone' and that is so sad.

Just Sayin'


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

So does she know that you know?


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP, Sadly only one of you matured. She is still very much a child intellectually.You cannot and therefore should not expect any rational, reasonable behavior from her, to do so would only be inviting disappointment. They refer to people here as "broken" when they behave like your xW and in reality they are more correct than not. The "brokenness" is lack of mental development which causes them to behave as a child, because mentally, that is exactly what they are.

Your future with this woman will, in all likelihood, continue to be fraught with problems and heartache so be advised. In my opinion, your best course of action, once paternity has been established, is to disassociate yourself from her completely or to the extent possible if you are the father.

Sadly, monogamy is a concept she cannot fully grasp and empathy is almost entirely missing from her emotional arsenal therefore, if you seek an exclusive committed relationship, she is woefully unprepared to provide that. The choice is yours but be aware that trying to have such a relationship with her is next to impossible.

As to going "all high school" on the OM, I am unfamiliar with this term but I assume it means dealing with the problem as one would with the mentality of a teenager. If I am correct is it not her acting "all high school" that has caused this issue and will not you acting in similar fashion only serve to it worsen it dramatically?


----------



## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..ecome much, much better.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

My take is she wanted her true loves (it ain't you BTW) baby and got back with you to underwrite her plan since he wouldn't ditch his old lady. And there is little doubt in my mind she got back with you to level the playing field with her married boyfriend. There is more than a fair chance your future ex wife instigated the demise of episode 1 of your marriage because she was already diddling with this cat or somebody else.
My advice is ditch the witch and do what you can to keep from paying for what maybe somebody else's kid.


----------



## BadGrammar (Oct 29, 2017)

Not your kid? Dump her now. Divorce ASAP. Never see her again.

Of course the child is the other innocent victim here, but she is not your responsibility. It is fortunate that she is so young. If you stay for the sake of the child she will become a constant reminder of the betrayal, and you will likely end up resenting her. That's not good for either of you.

As far as telling your family? Better to risk temporary pain and embarrassment than to live the rest of your life was a cuckold. If they love you, they will support you all the way.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Don't make the mistake of helping hide their affair.

DNA is a must do you don't get stuck paying CS for 18 years or longer.

Don't fall for any crocodile tears. They will be fake or regret at having been caught


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

He does not say that they remarried. Only that they got back together after being divorced for a couple of years.

Get a DNA test to prove who the father is. 

Yobs - are you remarried or not? If not - just get away from the ****. Let everyone, including POSOM's wife, know about the affair and who the father is.


----------



## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

doconiram said:


> To your basic question, you sit down with your mom/family and tell them the truth. Exposure will be good for you and bad for an affair. This is not your fault.
> 
> Get a paternity test done. They are simple to do and painless.
> 
> ...


This is great advice.

The truth is: sometimes life is unfair. Sometimes people do things that are flat out mean and the victim has no recourse. Think of some of the horrible crimes you have heard of - not far from me a man killed his girlfriend's child. What recourse does she have? Put the guy in jail...that gets her nothing. Her child is dead. You, sir, are in that type of situation. All you can do is walk away and go on with your life. She did a horrible, unfair, flat out mean thing and you were the victim of it. Utterly devastating and the best thing you can do with you life is forget her - walk away, never let her speak to you or see you again. Close the door and forever let her know that you will not deign to be in her presence. Any type of retribution will just allow it to fester in your life. The high road is the way to go. Been there....done it both ways. 

Also, your family will support you whatever you decide to do. Tell them what happened. Tell them how devastated you are. Listen to their counsel. They have clearer heads than you right now.

Good luck, and I am sorry for your pain.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Yobs

This type of infidelity can bring you to your knees, I've been there, and you will need therapy to become healthy. At this time only your health matters, don't worry about your relationship. Understand that this child is innocent, still needs adults to care for them, and never asked to be born. I hope you can view this child in a humanitarian way, and show the child love. Many may not agree with this, you may not agree, but this child is innocent. 

You don't state if you are remarried or if you both have just gotten back together. DNA the child, before you decide to treat this child as not your own. As for your "wife", I don't even know if you have spoken to her that you know. Will have to wait for more information on that to advise. Basically, with what you have provided, you need to focus on you. Tell your parents and family, this could be a great support system for you. I've walked in your shoes, and it's just beginning for you, and I can tell you it's going to get much worse.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yobsaxet said:


> Married back in 08 divorced in 11. We were young and clearly not ready. End up reuniting in 13 and started trying to grow together. We have our first and only kid who is turning 1 soon. Sex life changed during and after pregnancy and really was never the same since we got back together. Always a reason but I tried to be understanding.
> 
> Come to find out, she has been sleeping with someone she dated while we were apart all along. Married man with his own home life with wife and kid. Not to mention I know him well. Now, it has come to light that our kid almost definitely isn’t mine. I am distraught to no end.
> 
> I am 36 years old and totally want to go high school on this situation. How do I keep from losing my ****? How do I tell my mom / family the child isn’t mine.


Are you married to her at this time, or when the baby was born?

How do you know that the baby is not your baby? Did she tell you that it's not yours? Or did you have a DNA test done?


----------



## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

In order of necessity:
1. Get lawyer.
2. Get checked for STD's. Also get the child tested, she could have picked up something during a diseased pregnancy. One always should if one has had sex with a Traitor. 
3. Inform OBS, do not tell the Traitor that you are doing this.
4. Go 180 immediately. No contact except what is absolutely necessary.
5. Get child's DNA done.
6. Do not have sexual relations with the Traitor. This weakens your position if you do.
7. Do not leave the house. This strengthens your position.
8. Inform everyone of the betrayal.
9. Get a Voice Activated Recorder and keep it on your person when dealing with the Traitor AT ALL TIMES. It may claim violent abuse.
10. Avoid Alcohol.
11. Stay hydrated and eat.
12. Forget "High School".


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Yobsaxet said:


> Married back in 08 divorced in 11. We were young and clearly not ready. End up reuniting in 13 and started trying to grow together. We have our first and only kid who is turning 1 soon. Sex life changed during and after pregnancy and really was never the same since we got back together. Always a reason but I tried to be understanding.
> 
> Come to find out, she has been sleeping with someone she dated while we were apart all along.


She may have been cheating with the other man (OM) while you were first married, and could be why you divorced. The reason that sex “was never the same since” you got back together is because she never broke it off with the OM. The good news may be that although you “reunited back in 13”, you did not say that you remarried her; if that is the case, your course of action gets easier.

Talk to an attorney about child support laws where you live. 17 years of child support for another man’s child (plus college assistance) is money you do not have for your own child in the future. This is a hard reality. I know of no man (limited group) that long term does not resent child support for another man’s child. I have one friend who raised a child as his own, and put her through college all on him, only for her to years later ask her biological father to give her away at her wedding; they had apparently made an effort to get to know each other after she finished college.


----------



## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Check paternity. The sooner it all comes out, the better for the kid. The child does not have to grow up thinking you are his father if you are not.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Get to a lawyer first thing. Regardless if the child is not yours, some courts will be happy to make you financially responsible for the kid. There are very few judges and laws on the books that care about protecting men at all from evil women. Protect yourself. I would do this BEFORE the DNA test. Some places have a time limit to when you find out it isnt your kid to when you are legally responsible for it. If you're already going to be legally responsible, I would personally skip the test and just raise the kid as your own regardless of the true paternity if your lawyer agrees. Get some legal counsel before you do anything at all. Protect yourself and think of the kid as well. To hell with everyone else though. Do what is best for you number 1! Then think about what would be best for the child as well. This whole mess isn't their fault.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I am terribly sorry dude. Some people are just evil. The sooner she is out of your life the better.


----------



## Yobsaxet (Nov 25, 2017)

Thanks everyone for your advice. We legally never remarried for everyone that was wondering. The paternity test is next. She knows I know more than I am telling her. Friends around her know the truth as now do I. More to follow hopefully soon. Thank you all, really, means a lot.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, you're only 36 years old. I'm 59 years old & 37 years married (first marriage for the both of us). I'm old enough to be your mother. You need to move on even if this child is yours. Your wife has no morals, having an affair with a married man and not telling you about this affair. Your marriage is built on shifting sands. Sorry you are here.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Bloody hell... poor kid

I swear it should be a crime to get pregnant so irresponsibly!


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Yobsaxet said:


> Thanks everyone for your advice. *We legally never remarried* for everyone that was wondering. The paternity test is next. She knows I know more than I am telling her. Friends around her know the truth as now do I. More to follow hopefully soon. Thank you all, really, means a lot.


That’s the best thing I’ll read all day.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You say her friends know about the affair and the possibility that the child is not yours. Be very careful who you talk to about your future plans. In fact, I would trust only a blood relative of your's with any of it. Friends talk. Maybe a friend you think of as yours and not hers knows one of her friends and talks to them. Best to go mostly silent and keep your plans secret.

As has been said before - get legal advice about the child not being yours. Find out what you legal responsibilities are. In some States, if you are listed on the birth certificate then that is that. I hope your not being married at the time may have an impact on the courts.

You say the child is very young. It would be best for you to cut all ties now with both her and the kid. Can you imagine being forced to support the child financially for the next 17-20 years while your XW/XGF goes out an parties with her OM? The kid is young enough to recover quickly if you step away from the situation now.

Not being married could be what saves you from years of torture.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

TDSC60 said:


> Not being married could be what saves you from years of torture.


 This is prophetic on so many different levels and in so many situations. >


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yobsaxet said:


> Thanks everyone for your advice. We legally never remarried for everyone that was wondering. The paternity test is next. She knows I know more than I am telling her. Friends around her know the truth as now do I. More to follow hopefully soon. Thank you all, really, means a lot.


I highly suggest that you get a paternity test from a drug store and have it run without telling her. These tests only run about $100. They require swabs from the child's and your inner cheek. So you can this without her knowledge. This is a good first step so that you advance knowledge. 

Your actions will be very different going forward based on this preliminary test. For example, if it comes back as you being the child's father, then you can just to straight to an attorney and fight for 50/50 custody. And you do not tell your parents that the child might not be yours.


If he's not your child, then you can just walk away. You can tell her that you did the test and you are not the father. You can explain to your family that this child is not your child. And if she tries to sue you for child support you can demand a paternity test. But until she does hire a lawyer to sue you, you do not need to waste a penny on a lawyer to establish that you are not the father.


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Every child needs a loving mother and father in their lives. Guess you have decide if you want the job.


----------



## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> I highly suggest that you get a paternity test from a drug store and have it run without telling her. These tests only run about $100. They require swabs from the child's and your inner cheek. So you can this without her knowledge. This is a good first step so that you advance knowledge.
> 
> Your actions will be very different going forward based on this preliminary test. For example, if it comes back as you being the child's father, then you can just to straight to an attorney and fight for 50/50 custody. And you do not tell your parents that the child might not be yours.
> 
> ...


What she said. You should tread very carefully if there is even the slimmest chance it's your child. Find out first and then figure out how you need to proceed from there. 

And if it's not your child, do you already love it? Can you walk away if there's no blood bond involved? Think things through about the baby first...because that's the only investment you could possibly have left in this farce of a relationship.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

In respect to financial obligation for the child, many courts are likely to place that on the person listed on the birth certificate as the father. Under the laws of many ,if not most states, once a man acknowledged paternity, he's considered the father by the courts. Our man in this case has established a father-child relationship so I think it a done deal as to who's going to support the kid.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

VladDracul said:


> *In respect to financial obligation for the child, many courts are likely to place that on the person listed on the birth certificate as the father*. Under the laws of many ,if not most states, once a man acknowledged paternity, he's considered the father by the courts.


Not so fast. Many states (CA, GA, FL, others) now have what is known as the 2 year rule. If you suspect you are not the biological father and have a court ordered paternity DNA test done and are not the father, you have 2 years after the birth to petition your name from any birth records and are not liable for any child support.

Personally, I believe a paternity DNA test should be done on every birth regardless of circumstance.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*DNA the child then take the results to your attorney to present to the court to absolve your having to shell out for child support or alimony!

Tell your family the absolute truth! They will fully understand and will graciously console you!

In agreement with GusP, discreetly let the OM’s wife in on her hubby’s deep, dark secret!*


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

RWB said:


> Not so fast. Many states (CA, GA, FL, others) now have what is known as the 2 year rule. If you suspect you are not the biological father and have a court ordered paternity DNA test done and are not the father, you have 2 years after the birth to petition your name from any birth records and are not liable for any child support.


If he's in Georgia, all I can say is good luck. In Georgia, he's going to have huge hurdles to overcome since all a child born in wedlock are deemed under Georgia law to be legitimate as a matter of public policy. Although they werent married at the time of birth, they had been married so the children of "never married couples" principle never enters the picture. Since they were not "legally" married at the time of birth, he would have signed, unless he rejected being the father, a Paternity Acknowledgment form and the birth certificate shows him as the father. I doubt the courts would even consider a DNA test to allow him to challenge paternity to avoid child support because the courts always purport to put the interest of the child first. Letting the presumed father ditch child support is probably not considered the in best interest of the child. But I practiced tax law and not family law. If you have on-point case law in this matter, please give me the reference. 
I know better than to say what the courts will do, but I think his goose is cooked. In any case, if he goes down this road, he better be prepared to terminate all rights to the child (visitation/participation the child's life, etc.) if he wishes to terminate the liability.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Yep, focus on the paternity test right now. Secure your future. 

If you aren't the father, you expose everything on the same day. You let OM's wife know, employers, family members, churches, bars, and friends. Post it on facebook. You wreck her and his world. Then you get to walk away being the good guy and get a redo at life. You'll find someone hotter and more importantly who will be faithful to you. 

You got this.


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

You need to get a drugstore paternity test before you do anything else. Don't confront, don't do anything. Paternity test. It should only take a few days to get expedited results back.

Then get into a lawyer, and listen to what they say. In some places filing a custody action (which would also require you file a motion to establish paternity since you are not married) can effectively establish paternity, and it can be quite hard to reverse course and say even weeks later "ooops, not my child" once the motion to establish paternity has been filed (doesn't matter a great deal if that motion has been heard yet or not). This from a lawyer I recently hired for my son with a similar issue. My son was also listed as father on the birth certificate. His advice was "if you think it may not be yours, check paternity before you do anything else. Period." 

You can drugstore DNA the kid, and keep the results between you and the lawyer until you decide on a course of action.

Do not walk willingly into any situation which puts you as the father of a child that is not yours. It will have huge financial impacts on you, and your future children with another woman. 

As for the last woman, if she has in fact been passing another man's child off as your own, that should tell you every last thing you need to know about her there. Worst and most evil fraud a woman can perpetrate on a man (and a child). If true, makes the decision to walk away and not even consider reconciliation quite easy. 

If true, what a cruel witch. She couldn't get married dude to step up to the plate, so she's going to pass it off on you. Dude, run away from this one. Put any more time into it, and you may very well be on the hook for life for supporting this child that is not yours. Right now (even if your name is on birth certificate) at only one year old, and not married, you are likely in a very good position to walk way with nothing more than quite a few (though deep) emotional bumps, cuts, and bruises. Depends a fair deal on what state you're in, but you are likely in an okay position to not get saddled with taking care of someone else's child if you act now.

Don't do that to yourself or your future family.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I am so sorry for you. It sounds like you are married to a mental midget. Engage the services of a good divorce lawyer and kick her arse to the Kerb. Also more importantly DNA the kid.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Yobsaxet said:


> Married back in 08 divorced in 11. We were young and clearly not ready. End up reuniting in 13 and started trying to grow together. We have our first and only kid who is turning 1 soon. Sex life changed during and after pregnancy and really was never the same since we got back together. Always a reason but I tried to be understanding.
> 
> Come to find out, she has been sleeping with someone she dated while we were apart all along. Married man with his own home life with wife and kid. Not to mention I know him well. Now, it has come to light that our kid almost definitely isn’t mine. I am distraught to no end.
> 
> I am 36 years old and totally want to go high school on this situation. How do I keep from losing my ****? How do I tell my mom / family the child isn’t mine.


Legally Divorced. 
Never remarried. 
Questionable child paternity.
Man, you won the lottery and didn't even know it. 
I know it sucks **** through a straw right now. But if I were you, I would be finding out the paternity of that kid and suing for back child support from the scum bad OM. If at all possible. Then publicly disclose the fact that she cheated left, right and crooked. 

You have been given a home run ball. 
Swing!


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

RWB said:


> Personally, I believe a paternity DNA test should be done on every birth regardless of circumstance.


QFT


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

VladDracul said:


> If he's in Georgia, all I can say is good luck. *In Georgia, he's going to have huge hurdles to overcome since all a child born in wedlock are deemed under Georgia law to be legitimate as a matter of public policy.* Although they werent married at the time of birth, they had been married so the children of "never married couples" principle never enters the picture. Since they were not "legally" married at the time of birth, he would have signed, unless he rejected being the father, a Paternity Acknowledgment form and the birth certificate shows him as the father. I doubt the courts would even consider a DNA test to allow him to challenge paternity to avoid child support because the courts always purport to put the interest of the child first. Letting the presumed father ditch child support is probably not considered the in best interest of the child. But I practiced tax law and not family law. If you have on-point case law in this matter, please give me the reference.
> I know better than to say what the courts will do, but I think his goose is cooked. In any case, if he goes down this road, he better be prepared to terminate all rights to the child (visitation/participation the child's life, etc.) if he wishes to terminate the liability.


They never remarried.

:smthumbup:

As for the rest, I’d advise him to fight tooth and nail to not be _required_ by unjust laws to provide for a child that isn’t his.

If he _chooses_ to remain in the child’s life that’s fine, but it shouldn’t be REQUIRED of him.


----------



## arobk (Mar 17, 2017)

Although I am anti abortion on the grounds that babies are awesome (Which I didn't know until I worked in a newborn nursery in the army in 89) I respect a woman's right to chose under the law. I also believe a man should not be shouldered with the burden of support for a child he does not want or later finds out is not his and decides to have no relationship with. 

The question is if you want to keep the kid in your life or do you want to walk away from any responsibility? You obviously need to talk to your lawyer about this and see what is possible.


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

/


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Windwalker said:


> Legally Divorced.
> Never remarried.
> Questionable child paternity.
> Man, you won the lottery and didn't even know it.
> ...


Swing, Batta, Batta, Swing.

Bat this sad saga, 101 ft. into the stands, behind your home plate.
It will be labeled a foul. But that charge will be in yesterday's game stats.
In your past. A new future.

Before you head into the new beginning dugout, use the bat to clean the fecund mud out of your cleats.
Leave the she-poop on the field of bad dreams.

Just Sayin'

The Typist-


----------



## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Yobsaxet talk to us man. How did the paternity test go? Did you tell your parents?


----------



## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

To repair anything in life the best way is honesty, you have to start with yourself, don't lie anymore, get as many people on your side as possible, start with those closet to you and then work out, you will be surprised i think by the support you get, the truth will start to simplify your life, make a start with those that love you, it will get better from that moment on, i assure you.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> They never remarried.
> 
> :smthumbup:
> 
> ...


The courts in Georgia, and I expect elsewhere, view never married and previously married to each other differently. The Georgia code specifically refers to children born of couples never married. He needs an excellent attorney that's experienced in these matters. Regardless, he'd be an idiot to stay in this situation but hould be prepared to look at as the f-ing he gets for the f-ing he got.


----------



## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Another one bit the dust, it seems... Sad. He gone.


----------



## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

I'd definitely advise you to divorce her. You should also get the child DNA tested. If he's the biological father then he can either assume full financial support for the child OR if where you live still requires you to support the child then you can sue him for child support.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Yobs 

How is it going? Hoping you are in a better place health wise.


----------

