# Need woman's perspective



## wannaunderstand (Aug 27, 2014)

OK. First post here but read a lot of good info so I had to try it out.

My question is for the women here. I am looking for candid responses as I am simply confused in my situation. It is a long story but need to share it to give as much as possible.

The story is.....

About a year ago, I looked up a long lost friend from 20 years ago (I will call her "Jane" for the sake of this post.) I found her on facebook and sent an innocent message asking her how she was, etc...

She replied that she was happy to hear from me and that she would love to catch up some time. Then she disappeared..

Fast forward 4 months. She reached out to me and told me that she would love to meet up. So, I met up with her at a local bar for a casual drink. When I saw her, she immediately hugged me, etc. We had a great time talking for hours at a bar, drinking tea and coffee. She explained that she had disappeared since I had caught her at a bad time. She was working on getting out of an abusive and destructive marriage of 7 years. Her ex was an alcoholic, was verbally abusive and she was DONE. She stated it was OVER and she was moving out, etc. 

So, we talked almost every day from that point forward. She was indeed going through a rough time. She moved out, he was in jail for drunk in public and assaulting an officer, etc. He was harrassing her, typical passive/aggressive behaviour and working her over verbally and mentally. She has thier son and is also caring for his daughter. Anyway, she has a lot on her plate.

So, I maintained some distance and we remained friends. She was growing on me and broke down and told me she had feelings for me. She told me that she was scared that I would not wait around for her to go through all the issues and divorce, etc. She also said she thought our meeting was somewhat fate in the time it occured and how we seemed to pick up right where we left off over 20 years ago. She was comfortable around me and felt very close to me. She then began to cry and told me, "You don't want to be with a woman with my problems and all the baggage. You can have any woman you want!" She also told me that she had a secret and that she had herpes2 and that I would certainly not want to be with her for that!"

I told her that her past does not have to be her future. I care deeply for her and that I am a friend. Friends don't judge!

At that point, we kissed and made love right there in her apartment! From that point forward, she was calling and texting me every day. She told me she wanted to spend more time and that she missed me. She would call me every day and we talked for hours on end about everything. She updated me on the situations, she asked for my advice, she said she was cognizant of the need for me to maintain some distance but at the same time, she was falling for me and she did not know what to do about it. 

I told her again, I care deeply for her and that I was almost unable to maintain composure in distance but would do whatever she thought was best for the children, etc...

For 3 months, it was dinners, late night calls, occassional booty calls, great sex but also sensual and very intimate. (Yes, always with protection!) Things were getting very cozy and close. It was great and I will have to say that I have indeed fallen for her. The butterflies, the desire to see her, be with her, etc...

OK, so the bad things to interject here...

- She drinks all the time when the children are not around (I noticed that)
- She has randomly asked me to meet her. One time, she called me and said, "I am out with some friends, but want to see you! Please come over to my house tonight. I will be home at 1am....I want to make love with you so bad!" Ok..nice!! Impromptu desire is a good thing. So, I go over there and she is not there. She does not answer her phone and I wait for over an hour, worried she may be in a ditch somewhere! She shows up, we go in and she wants to go to bed and lay with me. So, we go to bed and she tells me that she does not want to have sex, but she will do things for me... That was very strange to me. But, ok... The next morning I told her that it was strange. I had thought about it and I also asked her, "So, did you not want to have sex because you were out and hooked up with some other guy because it was very strange and her actions were very strange and I had a very bad vibe.." She told me no, she just thought she may be having an outbreak of herpes... OK...I thanked her for that. 2 days later I asked her about the herpes and she did not seem to know what I was talking about.

So, we continued forward and it was a non-issue. She seemed to be attached to me and I loved it! We were having sex one night after a bottle of wine and I stopped during the session and looked at her and said, "You know I am falling for you. I know how I feel." She looked at me and said, "What do you mean?" It was awkward. She said that she did not want me to fall for her....

The next morning, I asked her about it and she said she did not know what I was talking about and that she had feelings for me and she would never tell me to not fall for her. She was sorry and that she must have misunderstood what I said or something.... At that point, I did raise my awareness and slowed down my advances since something does not seem "right" to me. 

All the while after that episode, she is close to me. Calling me, me calling her, spending some time together. Sharing stories, etc. I did notice that she seems to disappear from time to time though. We would go a few days without talking, which is understandable given her life stress and schedules, etc. No big deal.

One month ago, she called me and said she was going to lunch and wanted me to come over. I got there and she said it was her and her estranged husbands anniversary. She then took my hand and pulled me to her and we had sex right there! Afterwards she was a little upset and I asked her why. She told me that she wished she had met me years ago bacause she is "absolutely crazy over me."

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. She randomly called me at 11pm and asked me if I wanted to come over. She said, "I just want to be with you tonight. I miss you and I need you!" She tells me she is out with a friend and that she wants me to come out and meet with her and introduce me to her close friend." (those are good signs!)

I told her that I could not make it out when she was there, but that I could meet her at her place if she would tell me when she would be there and it was not going to be too late. She told me midnight.. So, I go to her place at midnight. At 12:30, she is still not there. I call her, her phone is now shut off. Yes, I waited for her but was very worried and upset. She shows up at 1:30. I meet her in the parking lot and she says, 'What are you doing here?!" Like she is surprised. She does not say "I am soo sorry. Phone died and xxx happened..."
So, we went in to her apartment and she was all giddy and hugging and kissing me. I was upset and I simply told her, "I do not want to do this anymore. I was worried about you. I was scared for your well being. You show up when you want and do not even say sorry or explain anything. It is almost like you just don't appreciate or care about my time or feelings. I do not understand what is going on at all!" 

She looked at me and got very angry and began to say stuff like, "MY PHONE DIED!...Why are you being this way?...I don't have time for this....I don't like feeling judged or criticized by you or anyone else...I did not know I had to answer to you...., etc..." I calmly told her that I just want to 1, understand and 2, want to share my feelings, nothing more. 

She told me to leave! So, I left. It hurt and upset me. I went home and wrote to her. I told her that I did not understand why she would act that way. I care for her and she seemed to simply ignore my feelings. I am not a stepping stone or hobby and that her actions and words led me to believe something completely different that what she told me over the last 6 months! I told her that if she wanted to talk, to let me know but not if she was going to be angry, yell and be disrespectful as she was the night before.

She replied, "...she did want to talk...she has strong feelings for me...she would miss me if I was not in her life..." She made time the next day to talk. We talked and she told me that I sometimes remind her of her past relationships. She did not tell me how and would not tell me but she wanted to talk some more because it was important for her both of us to communicate well. I agreed 100%!!

Two weeks ago, she calls me and asks me if I can help her with moving to her new place. She also said her children would be there and her grandparents too and she wanted us all to meet (but it had to be as "friends"). I said ok. (I thought it was a good thing, again..meeting the family) So, I spend a few hours there and it was fun. Kids were fun, said they wanted me to stay and play. Grandparents were warm and very thankful that I was her friend and invited me to thier home anytime I wanted to come by!... I also met 4 other friends and they were very warm and thanked me for being her friend, etc. 

One of her friends, "Sara", pulled me aside later in the evening and we were chatting and she asked me directly, "So, you really care about Jane don't you?" I said, "Yes, she should consider me a real friend.." and then Sara said, "No, it is obvious by how you look at her, talk to her and your general demeanor that you have feelings for her!" I said, "well, if it is that obvious, then I guess I should not hide it." Her friend told me, "well, it is too bad because based on those she is drawn to, she does not see the good guys like you. she only seems to like those that treat her like **** and are abusive but she does not see it at all. You seem like a very good guy and yes it is obvious that you are crazy for her...."

The next day, Jane told me, "The kids and my grandparents love you! That is so awesome! Sara said you were a keeper and said to me, "Jane, that boy is totally smitten for you.."" Jane seemed to like that and she seemed excited!

The next day, she seems a bit cold. I told her that I really enjoyed my time with everyone and that I really love to be around her and the kids. It was great and nice, not wierd.. (I told her this to calm her fears about what she told me in the beginning about kids, "situations", etc.) 

Later that day, I called her and she was strange and cold feeling. I asked her what was wrong and asked her to explain what she had said before about "reminding her of an ex..." and she told me that, "...she thought that she did not know what she wanted ...she was not sure she was ready for a relationship or prepared to be in one and she felt pressured..." Pressured??? She invited me to meet her family!!! Anyway, she told me that she still has all the feelings she expressed and showed to me over the time we have spent together but that she was just scared but did not want to deny anything so special.

A few days of talk and not seeing her and I meet her for lunch. We spend an hour for lunch and when we are parting she grabs my hand and gives me a kiss that was amazing. It FELT VERY REAL! 

Then I leave and we talk as usual. 

On last Wednesday, she was having a very hard day with the ex and divorce stuff. On Thursday, I sent her flowers to work and signed the card simple, "Just because you deserve to smile!" She got them and immediately called me and thanked me and said she was the center of attention at work (and her voice seemed to "sound" like she was smiling and happy.)

On Friday, we spoke and I told her I missed her. She replied, "Thank you."
On Saturday, she went out of town with her friends to a football game. I spoke with her in the morning and she said she would contact me on Sunday and wanted to get together but I would have to come over to her place because her kids were with her. So, I waited....
On Sunday, I called her at around noon. She said she was just getting home but did not know how the day was going to progress. She told me to go about my day and if it worked out, great. If not, it was ok, she understood. So, I went to the mountains with friends to hike. Then at 2:30pm, she texts me and asks me what I am doing and asking me to meet them for late lunch. I was not available so did not get her message. Then at 3:30pm, she texts again and wants to know if maybe we could all go to the mall together.(me, her and kids). Then at 4:00pm, I get a "??". At 5:00pm, I get a "are you there? Where are you?" text. I finally do get the messages and replied that I was out. Her reply was, "with a girl?" and I said "No!".... So, I call her and she asks me to come over for a while. I get there and I hang out with the her and the kids are there. They are excited and wanted to play and watch tv with me, etc... She seemed to have something on her mind and I asked her, she says, " I am not comfortable. It seems too soon for them to be exposed to another man. I wish I could just have you here and put them to bed and spend time with you, but I know they are not ready for that, even if I am." So, I said no problem. I understand and respect that. I told the kids good bye and her son asked me to "Please stay, don't leave. I like you here! (he is 5)" When I was leaving she thanked me for coming by and made it a point to walk out with me and grab my hand and kiss me, again wonderful kiss and she was the one initiating it.

I texted her later that I really enjoyed seeing her and that I "love spending time with you, if even for a few minutes" and she replied, "Thank you"

On Monday, normal talking. I did send her a message later about something we were talking about and told her "..I really miss you.." She said, "Thank you."

Tonight, she called me and we spoke for a few minutes. Then she was at a friends house watching a tv show together. We were texting non-stop talking about the show we were both watching. At some point I said something like, "..You are more beautiful than any of those women.." She replied, "You are so sweet." She told me she was going to call me when she got home. She called me and we were talking about the day. She is rambling on about stuff and she said, "Is there anything you want to talk about or tell me? (She thought she was talking too much and wanted to give me a chance)... I said, "Yes, 2 things. 1, I miss you." She just said, "Thank you." and then I said, "2, do you want to go out with me this weekend?" She replied, "Are you going to be in town. It is a holiday weekend." Needless to say, I was a bit disappointed in what and how she responded. So, I asked her directly.. "Jane, why do you always says "Thank you" when I say things that are sweet and when I am trying to show affection towards you?" She said, "Well, you don't say things to hear them back do you. You say them because you feel them, right?" I said, "Yes, exactly! I agree!" She then told me, "...I do feel things but not sure what they are and I do not want to mislead you or lead you on...." (HELLO!! Initiating physical contact, crying worried that I will not be here for you, making love and having sex with me says a lot more!!!) I then told her that she always tells me that she wants me to invite her out on a real date. So, now I am and she does not seem excited or happy about it.... She just said that she would have to see if she could find a sitter and that she has a lot to do over the weekend!

------ In reading all this, what do you think is going on? What is she really saying? I absolutely adore her and have completely fallen for her! What should I do? When I try to talk about feelings, she clams up and says she does not want to talk about serious stuff or she will simply redirect and find a way to get out of the conversation.

NOTE: I did ask her if she wanted or was going out with other guys and she said, "I don't have time for that!" So, that may be something I am reading too much in to or her not wanting to tell me.... I just don't know.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I’m no doctor, but she sounds bi-polar to me. I dated one before and it sounds so familiar to me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Unstable.
Alcoholic.
You're the rebound.

I would steer clear of her. She has got a LOT going on and if you have good sense, you won't be a part of it.

I got about halfway through before I started thinking CRAZY TRAIN.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

This woman sounds like she has serious issues. If she did just get out of an abusive marriage (or is in the process of doing so) then she should probably be in counseling for that.

Her friend told you that she only ever dates dirtbags, and commits herself to them. That is a huge red flag. My sister used to be like this. The one nice guy she did date (before working out her emotional issues via counseling) was dropped with the quickness. The ones that emotionally and physically abused her she would stay with for years.

Another red flag is the time you went hiking up in the mountains. When you were unavailable, she was going out of her head and texting you to reel you back in. Notice how intrigued by you when she thought you weren't going to meet her needs? Then once you showed up, and every time you've told us about where you showed up, she rejects you or comes late or acts confused as to why you're there.

The drinking/partying is already bothersome to you. Don't expect this to stop just because you ask her to.

This sounds like the kind of person who, maybe because of abandonment issues, or just feeling worthless inside, craves a partner that treats them like garbage. When they meet a good person, they are scared off by it and will do things either to sabotage a good thing or run away from it. People with abandonment issues will continue to test you perpetually....forever. With their bad behaviour to see if they can make you leave them even though they might not want you to leave. 

Someone with good self worth would appreciate being with someone that treats them with kindness and love and respect. Someone without it wouldn't trust it or would be afraid of it.

In short, RUN. This won't end well. What's worse is the kids sound like they would bond with you but eventually this woman will chew you up and spit you out or pull enough crap that you'll want to leave. Even sadder is that this will probably be (seeing men good and bad coming in and out of their lives/mom's life) the way that they grow up until/unless "Jane" works out her issues. 

Still, not your responsibility and YOU CAN'T FIX HER.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Miss Taken said it all.. I am reading a book on female Sex addiction right now...some of what you spoke sounds so much like what I was reading yesterday ..written from a woman who lived it....just something to consider....

She is always showing up late (at night yet)..then just took care of you-that one night after begging she wanted you.....sex on the spot...she has herpes...can't control herself around the bad boys.. clams up -doesn't want to talk about serious stuff...it's a compulsion, an obsession...like a high, then she comes down (the mood swings)..., add alcohol, abusive baggage... 

She needs *a lot more *than you can give her.. She needs therapy..


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

My perspective? Run away really fast


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

wannaunderstand said:


> ------ In reading all this, what do you think is going on? What is she really saying? I absolutely adore her and have completely fallen for her! What should I do? When I try to talk about feelings, she clams up and says she does not want to talk about serious stuff or she will simply redirect and find a way to get out of the conversation.


Not a woman, but you'll get all the answers you need and more right here:

for men who are recovering from relationships with abusive women and the non-abusive family and friends who love them | Shrink4Men

Bookmark it.
It would come in very handy for your future relationships.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I am a woman. 

She is a flake. And she is a drunk. A drunk to the point of blacking out (doesnt remember conversations from earlier in the evening? That's a serious drinking problem.)

Avoid this one like the plague.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

The real question is what do you want in a relationship? In other words, is this the kind of relationship you want to have moving forward? Love is a commitment between two people who make the choice to be together. It's not something only one person can give...


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## wannaunderstand (Aug 27, 2014)

Thanks for all the responses. I am taking it all in. It is a lot to digest and piece together. I have not heard from her today and not contacted her either. I am so tempted to call her but with your continued comments and perspectives, I am resisting.

To answer the question of what I want. I really do not know. Well, I know what I would love to pursue but deciphering the messages and actions is leaving me vexed to a certain extent. Maybe I am blinded by my feelings and do not want to accept the truth. I know that what everyone is saying in this post has some merit and I am admittedly struggling with reconciling it with my own emotions and second guessing. Does that make me weak or crazy too? 

I wish there was a surefire way to get to the bottom of it all. 

- Maybe I have come on too strong? (I thought I was only reciprocating and tossing an additional bit of re-assurance vs. being a hard to get or playing games.). 
- Maybe I suffer from the "caretaker" syndrome, as a few may have suggested? (I will admit that it is sometimes my MO, to give more than I have gotten). 
- Maybe she is the right girl at the wrong time? (I know that does occur)
- Maybe my previous secret feelings for her from so long ago were all pent up and now are betraying my ability to think clearly? (I admit that may be a problem.)
- Maybe I am making excuses....
- Her words of, "I do not reciprocate to you because I do not know exactly what I want right now and do not want to lead you on..." have really stuck with me but her actions seem to say another thing. Am I again, just blinded? She took them back the next day!
- I know I am not anyone's savior, she owns her problems, not me! How do I overcome thinking I can somehow help or seem as though I am not "giving up" or "abandoning" her? I worry that will hurt her and that will make me feel like an ahole and someone who went back on their word. If I had my way, we would spend a few minutes of time together every day in order to explore things more (assuming she is just scared vs. broken)


Couple of other points to make.
- Her apartment is untidy and she always says she must focus on it, yet finds endless ways to do anything else like go over to a friends house, go out to eat, do something with her kids, etc..
- She seems to always paint the picture that she is the victim (and she may be) and that she is doing all she can to survive. She even told me that she has reached the point that she just wants to go home, crawl in to bed and pull the covers over her head and forget everything. (This somewhat coincides with when she began to send mixed signals to me.)
- Her friend, "Sara" also told me that Jane seems incapable of making decisions many times and she will ask, "What should I do about X or Y?" They work together so, obviously it happens quite a bit. NOTE: She does that to me almost every time we speak...
- I mentioned to her friend that Jane seems to drink a lot and always when her children are not around. Her friend was candid and said to me directly, "No, she always has a glass of wine in her hand. Period... I have tried to talk to her, but she does not change it."
- Her relationship with her mom is fragile. Evidently, her mom wants her to move back home to find her feet and bearings but Jane refuses. Based on what Jane tells me her mom says, her mom is lucid and level headed and probably right! Jane's perspective is twisted and defensive but I do not tell her that. Instead, I have only ever said, "Well, your mom is only saying and trying to do what is best for you, in her eyes and as a loving mom..." Jane takes that in, but does not say much more. She did, however, say to me once.."Maybe I am making a mistake and should go home. I do not think I can make it on my own right now..." but,....she still does it....
- Her grandmother was visibly upset and stressed when I met her. She seemed to immediately gravitate and latch hold of me and thanked me over and over again for being there as Jane's friend. She even gave me a kiss on the cheek! (I love grandmas!)
- Her grandfather and I were in a room together moving a few things and he also opened up to me and said, "Jane has no idea what she is doing, she is lost and I am scared for her.." He was almost in tears and it was hard for me to stomach that an 80+ year old man was that distraught.

So, I guess I am filling in the pieces little by little with everyone's help. Does not really directly help me yet since I am creating excuses and probably over-analyzing every shred of information I can. 

Please feel free to provide more insights and perspectives! It is so very helpful!!!!!!!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ok, here's some additional advice from me.

You really need to separate your head from your heart here. Pretend you are the friend of a guy who is telling you EVERYTHING you just told us. Go back and reread both of your posts, very carefully, in their entirety.

What would you tell you friend to do? I think you already know you'd be telling him to run for the hills.

There are so many red flags here, but *the one that really stands out is the friend* who presumably knows her very well. The friend is telling you what you already know in your gut -- she has a serious drinking problem, can't make decisions, and is drawn to "bad boys." Is this really the type of person you want to be with? She's not the kind of partner most of us want.

You knew her 20 years ago. A lot can change (and obviously has) in 20 years.

I think it's time to toss this one back...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

wannaunderstand said:


> Maybe I am blinded by my feelings and do not want to accept the truth.


Duh. 

I mean, you already know she's not good for you.

You like the idea of her you have in your head, not who she really is.

This is way too much drama so soon.

Cut ties and move on. Respect yourself more.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> Still, not your responsibility and YOU CAN'T FIX HER.


wannaunderstand, take this poster's advice like the Bible.


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## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

I aint a woman either BUT are you completely happy with what you see the chances are that as a relationship develops the worse side becomes more pronounced and just be mindful that the act of sex engenders a feeling that makes a man want to protect and look after a woman 
maybe take a raincheck on the sex thing and see where it goes,personally not a good perspective


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Although a bit late to the party, you should've never had sex with her or even done "boyfriend" things until her divorce was finalized.

Jane sounds unstable & using you simply as Mr. Right Now. I would leave her alone ASAP.


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## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> I am a woman.
> 
> She is a flake. And she is a drunk. A drunk to the point of blacking out (doesnt remember conversations from earlier in the evening? That's a serious drinking problem.)
> 
> ...


:iagree: avoid her like the plaque


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## SunnyWife (Aug 6, 2014)

Yes, you are blinded by your feelings for her.

She has way to many serious issues, as you already know. Part of it could be from just coming out of an abusive relationship but I think a lot of this is just part of a pattern with her. A person who has been abused and/or grown up with chaos will often recreate this in their own lives because it is what they know and this is what they are comfortable with. She needs therapy to get past this and get comfortable with a more normal life. I would not wait around for this though. She may never want to go to therapy or go to therapy and be unwilling to change. Not worth waiting for. You need to get on with your life and find someone more stable. The friend is basically telling you this as well.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Run Forrest Run...


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## thetiredmommy (Sep 10, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Unstable.
> Alcoholic.
> You're the rebound.
> 
> ...


I totally agree with this post. OP, you should stand back and see if she can get herself back together. If you get sucked into this madness, you could end up really hurt. Be careful!!


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## lookingforpeace (Sep 30, 2014)

just like most people here are saying you need to GTFO and fast!

she needs to take care of herself first before you try to be her night and shining armor.

you are going to end up being hurt in the end because she doesnt know what she wants. end it now and let her know that you care about her but she needs to work on loving herself before she can love anyone else!


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## 20yrsofmarriage (Sep 29, 2014)

Run Forest, run!I would not have had sex with her after she she admitted to having herpes. That stuff scares me. She sounds immature and emotionally unstable. I'm guessing she's at least in her 40's. That's too old to be partying as much as she is.


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