# Im so messed up



## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

I've been married for 22 years, my husband cheated on me once many years ago after he was flirting with someone I knew, after this I took him back and life grew even better between us. A year ago, I grew suspicious of how he was towards me at home and kept confronting him, he never was away from me to cheat except for a couple of hours on a sunday. Eventually I said he needed to leave, he said he wasnt happy here so he did. The following day I find out a woman in our local pub had been seen chatting to him and for 3 weeks they exchanged numbers and met at pub, believe it or not, with people that were friends seeing all this, he had nowhere to go, I found out where she lived and there was his car parked outside. It lasted 3 weeks, they couldn't live together, we got speaking and overtime we sorted things and he came back, he said it was the attention. We were together 3 months and he went a bit cold on me, we talked and he said something was missing, he got himself a flat and moved out. I then found out he was seen walking towards her house and that he had been in contact by phone around the last month he'd been here. I tried moving on and was even talking to someone when my daughter said he seemed really unhappy, he was really bothered I was talking to someone as he kept asking her about it. He hated living on his own and he missed us. Eventually I started to speak to him again, he said he just didnt want to be in a relationship with her in the end, he was staying in his flat alone, they were having problems with his little effort. He asked me if we could try again and I said I dont know as I will have major trust issues after it happening twice. In the end we did and once again it was all sweetness and Rose's at the start just like the other times. He told me he called her and said this this is not working out and that she didnt seem that bothered, I wasnt happy that I only had his word to go on., Since he came back hes been quite ill, in September he couldnt even dress himself with the pain but lately he has been a bit better. I've waited on him hand and foot. The coldness came back, the suspicions came back and he swore it was the pain and things would be better. Eventually I said, pain does not stop you giving me a kiss before you go up to bed. Since oct we rowed about the same thing, I started saying nothing is going to get better with us when your pain is sorted like you keep saying and I asked him to leave several times. On Dec 8th, he broke down sobbing which I've never seen before, i wasnt sure in my head if it was depression or guilt, i asked him if he loved me, he said yes, i asked if he was in love with me, he said yes, asked if he wanted to be with me, he said yes. We were ok again till a week ago and his non caring attitude and coldness continued, i asked him to leave and he said i am leaving, he swore on his life he was not in contact with her, wasnt leaving to be with her, had such deep regrets of what hed done to me ,he had planned from that day till he left with all sorts, new bank account, sorting a flat etc but all very secretivly. The way he left was cold, not even a goodbye, took absolutely everything this time, didnt tell me anything. Like he was never looking back. Now I knew before he left whether he was seeing her or not it wont work, he wants it now, what he feels is real but then he doesnt with either of us, he had erectile dysfunction with her the first time, then me then her again, then he stopped trying altogether, he said he has no feeling whatsoever, the dr told him in front of me he had low testosterone and his long term use of his tablets have been the cause, but until his back is sorted theres nothing they can do. I found out yesterday he has been emailing her since August, what the heck is wrong with him?, I'm devastated, embarrassed and really messed up.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So why are you ok with being his backup plan?

Nobody respects someone willing to beg for scraps. Stopp begging for his scraps and have no further contact with him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Time to let him go. Get the divorce lawyer sorted. You will be much happier without him in the long run. He is a parasite.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

aine said:


> Time to let him go. Get the divorce lawyer sorted. You will be much happier without him in the long run. He is a parasite.


So however much he loves me isnt enough? This is what I question, you wouldn't do that to someone you truly love even if I do think he has a personality disorder and told him to get help so many times.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

The problem is his nature. I think experience should probably show you he is not going to change. You deserve better.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

He's lied to you repeatedly over months and years. 

So why do you expect him to be truthful when you ask him if he loves you and wants to be with you and is it over with him and the other woman?

Because "this time" he means it and this time he "swore on his life"?

Try not to be so naive even though it feels good to want to believe that things will be different.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Thank goodness he has gone, see a lawyer and end the marriage. He is an awful man.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Evej said:


> So however much he loves me isnt enough? This is what I question, you wouldn't do that to someone you truly love even if I do think he has a personality disorder and told him to get help so many times.


No. Love isn’t enough. Even if he did love you. He is a serial cheater and will never stop. He has proven that to you dozens of times. 

You are his backup plan, the person that takes him back when his other prospects don’t work out or get too difficult to manage. That’s not love. You do deserve SO much better than this.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Evej said:


> what the heck is wrong with him?


Frankly, who cares? YOU are posting here, not him. It would behoove you to ask what's wrong with you. To begin with, all this break-up-and-make-up nonsense is way too dramatic. But some folks thrive on drama, even if it's hurting them. 

You're married to a liar and a cheat. So, if you actually want to know what's wrong with him, there's your answer. Kick him to the curb and get on with your life. It will significantly improve without him in it.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

Strange really that he reached the age of 54 and acting like this now after years of us being good, almost like this chase is filling some empty void. My best friend calls him peter pan, she said I do think he loves you to the best of his ability, but not on the level of a normal thinking person. I've never felt him bond enough with me except the intenseness when he has to. Hes been recycling both of us, I'm sure he is emotionally immature.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Evej said:


> Strange really that he reached the age of 54 and acting like this now after years of us being good, almost like this chase is filling some empty void. My best friend calls him peter pan, she said I do think he loves you to the best of his ability, but not on the level of a normal thinking person. I've never felt him bond enough with me except the intenseness when he has to. Hes been recycling both of us, I'm sure he is emotionally immature.


What was his first affair like?


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> What was his first affair like?


It was 13 years ago, she laughed at his jokes, paid him attention, lasted 2 weeks then he couldn't stand her. I witnessed the name calling. It happened at a time when he was out of work, the last 13 years he'd been quite active, around the time he cheated this time for the first time with this woman he was once again not a lot going on in his life, not making excuses, just trying to understand it all. He came back after 3 weeks of living with her, then lockdown he contacted her again and moved into a flat, it lasted 5 weeks and he started to get jealous that he heard I was talking to someone, he was meeting up with my daughter and saying how he had retreated to his flat and that he had been arguing with this woman for not putting enough into seeing her. He was scared to talk to me afterwards, I couldn't believe I was contemplating thinking if having him back but I caved in the end. I dont even know what his breakdown was he had in front of me, he's never cried and he was sobbing. He bought me a new wedding ring for Christmas as I'd lost weight and a "family" charm he picked out himself and got my daughter to order. I said to him so many times if you're in contact with this woman this would explain why this will never work, and isnt working and he said I know, I'm not, but then had the breakdown in front of me. Hes never been able to sleep with us both at the same time, it always happens after hes left, and while the contact is on, he stops altogether, cant even initiate a kiss. He's also a man that can't be on his own, and when he left I knew deep down hed been in contact with her and was confirmed a couple if days later. He always keeps the woman hidden as well, shes only 5 mins down rd and he never took her out in public for fear of reprisals from our friends if seen, he got enough grief last time after he came back. But swearing on your life you're never going to leave again, and tbh, up till he did he really didnt want to, it's all beyond me.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

Evej said:


> It was 13 years ago, she laughed at his jokes, paid him attention, lasted 2 weeks then he couldn't stand her. I witnessed the name calling. It happened at a time when he was out of work, the last 13 years he'd been quite active, around the time he cheated this time for the first time with this woman he was once again not a lot going on in his life, not making excuses, just trying to understand it all. He came back after 3 weeks of living with her, then lockdown he contacted her again and moved into a flat, it lasted 5 weeks and he started to get jealous that he heard I was talking to someone, he was meeting up with my daughter and saying how he had retreated to his flat and that he had been arguing with this woman for not putting enough into seeing her. He was scared to talk to me afterwards, I couldn't believe I was contemplating thinking if having him back but I caved in the end. I dont even know what his breakdown was he had in front of me, he's never cried and he was sobbing. He bought me a new wedding ring for Christmas as I'd lost weight and a "family" charm he picked out himself and got my daughter to order. I said to him so many times if you're in contact with this woman this would explain why this will never work, and isnt working and he said I know, I'm not, but then had the breakdown in front of me. Hes never been able to sleep with us both at the same time, it always happens after hes left, and while the contact is on, he stops altogether, cant even initiate a kiss. He's also a man that can't be on his own, and when he left I knew deep down hed been in contact with her and was confirmed a couple if days later. He always keeps the woman hidden as well, shes only 5 mins down rd and he never took her out in public for fear of reprisals from our friends if seen, he got enough grief last time after he came back. But swearing on your life you're never going to leave again, and tbh, up till he did he really didnt want to, it's all beyond me.


Just seems like he likes the chase for his ego, thinks this is it, then doesnt want it anymore, with both of us


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Evej said:


> It was 13 years ago, she laughed at his jokes, paid him attention, lasted 2 weeks then he couldn't stand her. I witnessed the name calling. It happened at a time when he was out of work, the last 13 years he'd been quite active, around the time he cheated this time for the first time with this woman he was once again not a lot going on in his life, not making excuses, just trying to understand it all. He came back after 3 weeks of living with her, then lockdown he contacted her again and moved into a flat, it lasted 5 weeks and he started to get jealous that he heard I was talking to someone, he was meeting up with my daughter and saying how he had retreated to his flat and that he had been arguing with this woman for not putting enough into seeing her. He was scared to talk to me afterwards, I couldn't believe I was contemplating thinking if having him back but I caved in the end. I dont even know what his breakdown was he had in front of me, he's never cried and he was sobbing. He bought me a new wedding ring for Christmas as I'd lost weight and a "family" charm he picked out himself and got my daughter to order. I said to him so many times if you're in contact with this woman this would explain why this will never work, and isnt working and he said I know, I'm not, but then had the breakdown in front of me. Hes never been able to sleep with us both at the same time, it always happens after hes left, and while the contact is on, he stops altogether, cant even initiate a kiss. He's also a man that can't be on his own, and when he left I knew deep down hed been in contact with her and was confirmed a couple if days later. He always keeps the woman hidden as well, shes only 5 mins down rd and he never took her out in public for fear of reprisals from our friends if seen, he got enough grief last time after he came back. But swearing on your life you're never going to leave again, and tbh, up till he did he really didnt want to, it's all beyond me.





Evej said:


> Just seems like he likes the chase for his ego, thinks this is it, then doesnt want it anymore, with both of us


I am sorry for what you are being put through. Why do you want to be with him?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I don't understand why you are wondering what's wrong with him. Nothing is wrong with him, he's your typical *****-hound. That's what he is, period.
The real question here is: what's wrong with you, because there has to be something wrong with you to put up with what you've been putting up. Time for you to find out.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He keeps leaving you to be with her. You keep taking him back. He can’t take advantage of you without your permission. You need to figure out why you tolerate his behavior — and value yourself so little — because he’s not going to change.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

SO WHY DO YOU THINK YOU KEEP TAKING HIM BACK??


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> That I cannot answer being a man. However, I am glad I gave my wife a second chance. She has made the most of it and like I said, our relationship is SOLID now. Reconciliation is not for everyone as sometimes there are things so egregious that divorce may be the only solutions. Both of us had issues we were dealing with, but it does not excuse her cheating. We have worked through with the help of two fine MC’s and we use the Gottman Cards. Dr. Gottman is who both our MC’s studied under. He is a genius. Worth a visit to his site.


My husban left last week, he cheated on me 3 times with the same woman almost a year to the day of the first time, I took him back after 3 weeks and after 2 months he had made contact again, we lasted another 2 weeks and I asked him to leave, the second time, he moved into a flat and it lasted 5 weeks, hed been back 8 months this time but found out he had been in contact since August, this is when he became cold towards me, nice but cold, arguments started and I kept asking him to go, he didnt want to and it felt somehow different this time, the same, like he was probably cheating but yet he was different. I think it was eating away at him that he'd been in contact. I dont think he had any other choice than to leave, other than the obvious of telling me what he had done. He is now in a flat, seeing her occasionally but spending a lot of time alone, I know he will want to return when it hits him. I think he is emotionally immature. Never really bonds properly, Our grown daughter will not speak to him this time, I have stopped all contact other than a blunt txt about mail. I did the exposing the first time, I plastered it on fb, named them both and matched to her home and put a brick through her door glass , ( after unsuccessfully trying the window 3 times), she had cctv, police came to me, I admitted it, husband paid for door. After that I let it go, even the 2nd time. Of course now I'm beginning to understand none of this is about her or me, it's about him, the chase is good for his ego, then he doesnt want it, same with me, recycling us both. Yet amongst all the lies, disrespect and betrayal, I saw here, a little boy lost in a mans body, a person who repeatedly told me his head was so messed up and I can see now that his life is going to be one big mess with me left here to pick up the pieces.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Evej said:


> I plastered it on fb, named them both and matched to her home and put a brick through her door glass , ( after unsuccessfully trying the window 3 times),


_I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights 
I slashed a hole in all four tires 
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats_


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Sorry but contact is a choice. He knew what he was doing.


Wouldn't surprise me if he drove past her house while he was with me and saw the old bf car outside and a bit of jealousy set in, just like when he was with her and he heard I was talking to someone and he wanted me back. Some strong narcissistic tendencies. I'm really struggling here though, feels like hes drained the life out of me


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

I do believe he genuinely thinks when he leaves and when he comes back it's what he wants. Through all the lies this 3rd time, I can see it was eating away at him that he didnt know what to do about the situation hed got himself into. Yes he made that choice to contact her for whatever his reasons were and I have to accept that had a choice to not do so. He is quite immature and I've come to realise that its emotional immaturity. I see heavy signs of narcissism as well. This other woman has no idea what shes letting herself in for but tbh he's charmed the pants off her the first time they met and I dont have any respect for either of them, she knew he was married and he came back to me twice yet still was in contact with this married man, neither of them have any respect for me. Why do I take him back? The first time I thought it was a mistake through the attention she paid him, the 2nd was deeper, he said he asked himself what the hell he was doing with her when he loved and missed me, all the usual spill I suppose. In the words of my best friend, hes peter pan


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Evej said:


> I do believe he genuinely thinks when he leaves and when he comes back it's what he wants.


It IS what he wants. And you are supplying it on a silver platter.

Your ideology on this is all wrong. You are waiting for him to pick and choose one of you. This is flawed thinking. 

The vast majority of people that cheat are not doing it to leave their legal spouse for someone else. 

They just want to add more to the collection.

In other words he want you BOTH and anyone else he can add to the harem. 

He wants you to be home managing the homefront and taking care of the house and kids etc, while he wants to get with her for ego stokes, new-relationship-energy and hot passionate sex that only comes from getting with someone new. 

Left to his own devices, he would simply have you both and would prefer that each of you accept it and stop bugging him about it. 

Only you can decide if you want to be a part of his harem or not.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

I get what your'e saying but he cant even have sex so it's not about that, before he went off with her the first time we hadnt slept together in over a year as I had problems, as soon as I met up with him to talk after the first time he said he had problems with ED, he rang his dr about 2 months ago while I was here and they said it was the medication he was on long term that was causing ED, but then he had a call to say his lack of feeling for it was caused by low testosterone, so theres little hope for him there even with the excitement of someone new. I think he has this desire for fulfilling his ego, when he wins her over he doesnt want her anymore, just a vicious cycle, bombard me with love to get back, then finds out shes gone back to her old on and off bf and he needs to win her back. 13 years we've been fine till jan last year when all this started, his reputation is his biggest fear, he thought he'd hid it well but no he was found out again and sooner or later his friends will know and he'll be too scared to go anywhere they go. He clearly hasn't thought this through, for 1 he cant be alone, 2, he can't take her anywhere if it did last as she lives 5 minutesdown road, and 3, it wont last when she sees through him or he gets bored with her again, I've been too much of an empath to him for too long, he couldn't even walk or get out of bed or get dressed 3 months ago with his back and hes only just had an MRI, so good luck to him looking after himself, I cant wait to hear or see him cry like a baby when it all goes pear shaped, 2 months max


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Totally get that after 22 years of marriage, it's hard to say goodbye and to admit to yourself that it isn't working. Here's the thing: You've been together 22 years. Do you want to go through 22 more years like this? Of being a wife who is juggled by her husband with a girlfriend? Of being a plan B? 

Nobody deserves to be treated like this by their spouse. You have the right idea - he can look after himself. You are not his nurse. Being cared for by you is a benefit of being your husband. Which he doesn't want to be anymore. So any and all things he used to get from you up to and including sex, DON'T give him anymore.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

Do you know what, I've just had a thought to share with you the first cheating all them years ago was with a woman who is his older brother had been with, I remember before it happened we were stood at the bar and he said to her his brother was no good and she said but I like him! That was the first affair 13 years ago, he was most definitely remorseful after that. Then just before he met this one last year, I found txt messages to a woman who was supposedly my friend, she was actually seeing his older brother at the time and my husband was still sex txting her while she was with his brother, they never met up and he gave up in the end before meeting this one now. His older brother was with this one too a while back but they are still friends, is this pattern of his behaviour linked to him trying to prove to these woman he is somehow better than his brother?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Evej said:


> Do you know what, I've just had a thought to share with you the first cheating all them years ago was with a woman who is his older brother had been with, I remember before it happened we were stood at the bar and he said to her his brother was no good and she said but I like him! That was the first affair 13 years ago, he was most definitely remorseful after that. Then just before he met this one last year, I found txt messages to a woman who was supposedly my friend, she was actually seeing his older brother at the time and my husband was still sex txting her while she was with his brother, they never met up and he gave up in the end before meeting this one now. His older brother was with this one too a while back but they are still friends, is this pattern of his behaviour linked to him trying to prove to these woman he is somehow better than his brother?


Maybe so. A lot of cheaters are insecure. I wouldn't waste your time trying to figure out the whys and wherefores, unless you feel you really need it for closure. Pretty sure it's linked to him being a cheater. Have you heard of the 180? Would start with that. It helps.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> It IS what he wants. And you are supplying it on a silver platter.
> 
> Your ideology on this is all wrong. You are waiting for him to pick and choose one of you. This is flawed thinking.
> 
> ...



This to me is so spot on. Nicely put. 

I think females DO cheat a lot of times to find the “replacement” husband, trying “win” the prize from another woman, the grass is always greener type thing but most male cheaters I have known are what you just stated to a T.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Evej said:


> I get what your'e saying but he cant even have sex so it's not about that, before he went off with her the first time we hadnt slept together in over a year as I had problems, as soon as I met up with him to talk after the first time he said he had problems with ED, he rang his dr about 2 months ago while I was here and they said it was the medication he was on long term that was causing ED, but then he had a call to say his lack of feeling for it was caused by low testosterone, so theres little hope for him there even with the excitement of someone new. I think he has this desire for fulfilling his ego, when he wins her over he doesnt want her anymore, just a vicious cycle, bombard me with love to get back, then finds out shes gone back to her old on and off bf and he needs to win her back. 13 years we've been fine till jan last year when all this started, his reputation is his biggest fear, he thought he'd hid it well but no he was found out again and sooner or later his friends will know and he'll be too scared to go anywhere they go. He clearly hasn't thought this through, for 1 he cant be alone, 2, he can't take her anywhere if it did last as she lives 5 minutesdown road, and 3, it wont last when she sees through him or he gets bored with her again, I've been too much of an empath to him for too long, he couldn't even walk or get out of bed or get dressed 3 months ago with his back and hes only just had an MRI, so good luck to him looking after himself, I cant wait to hear or see him cry like a baby when it all goes pear shaped, 2 months max


Part of your issue is that you can’t accept his behavior for what it is. You justify and make a lot of excuses for his actions. Even now you say “but he insists he loves me” in so many different ways. 

Either his love is good enough for you, cheating included because he never does stop according to what you’re saying, or it is not. You can’t control or understand what he does or why, you can only control what you do.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Evej said:


> His older brother was with this one too a while back but they are still friends, is this pattern of his behaviour linked to him trying to prove to these woman he is somehow better than his brother?


First, WHO CARES what your crummy husband's motives are. Second, we are complete strangers out in cyberspace. If YOU don't know why this loser does what he does, what makes you think we would know?

You are completely focused on this man. Classic codependency at its worst. How about you actually figure out why you are tolerating this jerk? Start looking within to learn who YOU are and what YOU want out of life. Kick this cheater's ass to the curb.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your pattern says you’ll take him back again. You’re obviously the only one who can change that.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Your pattern says you’ll take him back again. You’re obviously the only one who can change that.


I have most days when I think I absolutely wont and a few moments when I'm not sure, all I know for sure is that if that were ever to happen, it wouldn't be like any of the other times, I would most definitely send him packing and if he didnt return, so be it, but even on return I think he would have to be begging on his hands and knees, I want him to go so low in his life to feel how what hes done affects him so he can see how it must have affected us, and that wouldnt be like him to do any of that, likelihood is I'll hopefully meet someone who treats me better than this crap hes put me through.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

QuietRiot said:


> This to me is so spot on. Nicely put.
> 
> I think females DO cheat a lot of times to find the “replacement” husband, trying “win” the prize from another woman, the grass is always greener type thing but most male cheaters I have known are what you just stated to a T.


The devil is in the details - it depends.

If a woman can secure another man that she believes is better than her current partner, she absolutely will leave for him, sometimes in just a matter of days. 

That is hypergamy.

However most dudes that hit it with WWs are just in it for the poon and won’t necessarily take them full time.

When that happens women absolutely will hook up with the OM for fun and sex, but will keep the BH for support and provisioning and child care. 

Women with young children will often only actually leave and divorce if there is abuse, alcoholism/addiction or the OM is clearly a bigger, better deal (to her) and will take her full time. 

It is in females mating strategy to secure Support and security and child rearing from one man but to get better genetic material from others if they can’t get it all from one man.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

I know in probably going to get some backlash from this post, but I'm struggling big time with too many thoughts. I cant get my head around this. Hes cheated with the same woman 3 times now, that tells me that there has to be something more attractive to him with her than me even though I know for definite he knows other people find me attractive, in our social circle many people have said so. I know he thinks I am the best wife he could ever have in all other ways, but I struggle that sexually he is more attracted to her as everytime he has come back, we have had sex or lovemaking, whatever you want to call it, no more than a couple of times at the most, then he stops and around that time the contact with her has started. He must definitely has ED that started with her not me, I know that for sure. This all makes me totally confused as to what is really going on and I'll tell you why. 
He left 3 weeks ago and as I said before, he was fighting his demons here, breaking down through guilt as I now know. Since hes left, I have found out from a very good source that he did not sleep with her, just contact. This 3rd time of leaving, for the first time of the other 2 times, after only a week, he tried to make contact, saying how sorry he was he put me through this again, I ignored the txt, he txt my grown daughter, she said, if mum wasn't enough for you you should have just left, and he told her was a p##ck and I'm too good for him and that hes hurt the two people he loves. I really dont know what to think, part of me thinks I'm not enough for him and another thinks how did he think so soon he had made a big mistake? Hes playing games now as hes too stubborn, telling her were over, waiting for a reaction that he never got. What am I missing? I'm sure hes probably slept with her by now, or at least tried to, and it breaks my heart, but I cant shake this feeling that hes just messed up by his impulses either. Or was I just never enough for him and never will be?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Evej said:


> I know in probably going to get some backlash from this post, but I'm struggling big time with too many thoughts. I cant get my head around this. Hes cheated with the same woman 3 times now, that tells me that there has to be something more attractive to him with her than me even though I know for definite he knows other people find me attractive, in our social circle many people have said so. I know he thinks I am the best wife he could ever have in all other ways, but I struggle that sexually he is more attracted to her as everytime he has come back, we have had sex or lovemaking, whatever you want to call it, no more than a couple of times at the most, then he stops and around that time the contact with her has started. He must definitely has ED that started with her not me, I know that for sure. This all makes me totally confused as to what is really going on and I'll tell you why.
> He left 3 weeks ago and as I said before, he was fighting his demons here, breaking down through guilt as I now know. Since hes left, I have found out from a very good source that he did not sleep with her, just contact. This 3rd time of leaving, for the first time of the other 2 times, after only a week, he tried to make contact, saying how sorry he was he put me through this again, I ignored the txt, he txt my grown daughter, she said, if mum wasn't enough for you you should have just left, and he told her was a p##ck and I'm too good for him and that hes hurt the two people he loves. I really dont know what to think, part of me thinks I'm not enough for him and another thinks how did he think so soon he had made a big mistake? Hes playing games now as hes too stubborn, telling her were over, waiting for a reaction that he never got. What am I missing? I'm sure hes probably slept with her by now, or at least tried to, and it breaks my heart, but I cant shake this feeling that hes just messed up by his impulses either. Or was I just never enough for him and never will be?


You need to update your thread with the above.

Your pattern is to take him back and that will likely continue. His pattern is to go back and forth between you and her and that will likely continue. You’re correct that you’re not enough for him. Neither is she. He can’t commit and you continue to allow him to go back and forth. Only you know why you don’t respect yourself enough to put an end to this.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

I do get what you're saying about me, I know I deserve more and my moral judgement on these things are, I shouldn't even have gone there after the first time. I really think he loves me to the best of his ability to love, it's just not what real love is in my mind. I have to say, I've never seen him vulnerable before this time, he knows he's messed up, and I actually believe he hates himself for feeling the like he did, but I think he just couldn't help himself, maybe some kind of personality disorder, his brothers are all the same. Shame on him and shame on me for allowing my love for him to take over my morals of infidelity. God why is love so complicated


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Evej,

I moved some posts you made one someone else's thread to this thread so that you can get input for yourself here.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Evej said:


> I do get what you're saying about me, I know I deserve more and my moral judgement on these things are, I shouldn't even have gone there after the first time. I really think he loves me to the best of his ability to love, it's just not what real love is in my mind. I have to say, I've never seen him vulnerable before this time, he knows he's messed up, and I actually believe he hates himself for feeling the like he did, but I think he just couldn't help himself, maybe some kind of personality disorder, his brothers are all the same. Shame on him and shame on me for allowing my love for him to take over my morals of infidelity. God why is love so complicated.


Forget about his issues and focus on yours because those are the ones that are under your control. That’s the only way you have a chance of breaking the cycle of co-dependency that you have going on.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Forget about his issues and focus on yours because those are the ones that are under your control. That’s the only way you have a chance of breaking the cycle of co-dependency that you have going on.


So well said. I didn’t want to come out and say it when OPs posts were on the other board... but Evej... you are codependent. You need counseling for that my girl.


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