# Help me out here, why all the hurtful behaviors?



## Jayme (Sep 24, 2011)

Earlier this week I caught my husband in the living room masturbating and I felt very embarrassed, not angry just embarrassed and well, disappointed. He didn't even come to me first, what's up with that?Later this week I needed to use his laptop and I was curious as to what he was looking at when the incident happened. So I looked at his history and to my surprise and amazement there were countless porn sites on his history and sexually explicit live chat room and XXX dating sites! I was completely disgusted, so I decided that I should try to cool down a bit before I talked to him about it. It's been 2 days and I still don't know what to say or even how to bring it up. My heart just feels like it's dropped into my stomach and I feel lost in despair. I feel inadequate, is there something I'm not giving him that he needs. Our sex life is great we don't have any issues in that department so I don't understand why this is happening.Needless to say I am completely lost.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

If your husband had an itch and he scratched it himself, would you be hurt because he didn't call you to scratch it for him? His masturbatory (is that a word, lol) habits aren't about you, they are about him. Dont take it personally. I understand embarrassed but angry? What are you angry about? the porn sites?


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## Jayme (Sep 24, 2011)

I wasn't angry about the masturbation... I am a very shy and conservative person so I just felt embarrassed.I even tried watching porn with him but it just disgusts me, is that bad? I am a little angry about the dating sites and XXX rated chat rooms though....but more than anything I am hurt. I am 20 years old and he's 23...we've only been married for 7 months, this doesn't seem right to me.


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

Some Porn/Cams website give you dating website popup's that will remain in history. 

Just saying, so unless the history has over 5 pages, don't worry about it.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Why can't you just talk to him about it? Tell him how it makes you feel like you stated in your first post. Find out how he feels about it.

I guess to me, porn is one thing, but was he doing anything on the chat or dating sites?

Personally, I think that couples need to turn to each other for sexual fulfillment as much as possible, otherwise, as you've seen it can cause uncertainty and drive a wedge into a relationship. Have you explored what his reasons are for using the sites that he did? Is there something else that he desires in his sexual relationship with you that he's not getting?

I think sometimes some men are afraid to let their wives in on what they really desire because they are afraid of their reactions. So, if you can get him to open up to you, just listen to him non-judgmentally and listen carefully.

Best wishes.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

OK, I`m getting really concerned with all these women who have a problem with their husbands sexuality a part of which is masturbation.


He`s not being hurtful, you`re over reacting

The porn is a visual aid men use to excite themselves.
Sometimes we would actually prefer to just "rub one out" than have to deal with the whole sex dance with the wife.

The live chat page/dating site you found is most probably a pop-up that occurs anytime you access almost any porn site.




Jayme said:


> I feel inadequate, is there something I'm not giving him that he needs. Our sex life is great we don't have any issues in that department so I don't understand why this is happening.Needless to say I am completely lost.


It`s nothing, it has nothing to do with you.
It`s perfectly normal.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I think sometimes some men are afraid to let their wives in on what they really desire because they are afraid of their reactions.


Posts like this OP are validation of that fear.

It`s a vicious circle...

The wife gets pissed if you keep it secret... the wife gets pissed if you tell her about it....

It leaves two options..give up any and all masturbation (Not likely) or let the wife get pissed.

I`d choose the latter.


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## Jayme (Sep 24, 2011)

Thanks everyone for all the responses. I haven't talked to him about this yet but I will, the only reason I was really upset is because he was on XXX chat rooms and XXX dating sites and whatnot. I am just a little more concerned than I would normally be because his recent behavior sexually has been a bit odd, we have been having sex less and less, but when we do have sex it's great, but he's been going on the porn sites more and more. Porn can turn into an addiction and that's something I do not want t happen.


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## Jayme (Sep 24, 2011)

Tacoma,
As I have previously stated I am not angry about the masturbation or the porn sites. I am more concerned with the fact that it is a growing habit and is whittling away at our sex life, I like having sex and if he feels like doing it, I'd rather him come to me for relief than his hand and the computer. That's all.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

tacoma said:


> OK, I`m getting really concerned with all these women who have a problem with their husbands sexuality a part of which is masturbation.
> 
> 
> He`s not being hurtful, you`re over reacting
> ...


This may be how YOU feel about it. YOU may think it isn't hurtful or the wife is over-reacting. You may feel that it's okay to use porn, BUT if this isn't how his wife feels about it, then it IS a problem that they need to work through together.

HER husband, not you, needs to re-assure her that this isn't anything to do with her. 

And while I think that masturbation is perfectly normal, I DO think that it does have something to do with the spouse. They should be able to have 'first dibs', if possible.

I believe that a husband's and wife's sexuality should be SHARED within a marriage. You may feel differently, that's okay. The OP needs to determine what her feeling is and what her husband's feeling is regarding this.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Jayme said:


> Tacoma,
> As I have previously stated I am not angry about the masturbation or the porn sites. I am more concerned with the fact that it is a growing habit and is whittling away at our sex life, I like having sex and if he feels like doing it, I'd rather him come to me for relief than his hand and the computer. That's all.


Your feelings and concerns are very valid. Whenever masturbation, whether it is accompanied by porn or not, supercedes having intimate relations with a spouse, it is a problem.

I hope that you will talk with your husband about this, as I think that will be the first step toward some kind of resolution.

Best wishes.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Jayme said:


> Tacoma,
> As I have previously stated I am not angry about the masturbation or the porn sites. I am more concerned with the fact that it is a growing habit and is whittling away at our sex life,


That`s not at all what you initially stated.

This is what you initially stated....



Jayme said:


> Our sex life is great we don't have any issues in that department so I don't understand why this is happening.


Which is it?

If it is interfering with your sex life then there is a problem and a desensitization from porn/masturbation could be the culprit.



Jayme said:


> .. the only reason I was really upset is because he was on XXX chat rooms and XXX dating sites and whatnot.


I can`t say whether your husband is using live sex chats and adult dating sites or not.
What I can tell you is that a very large percentage of porn sites have pop-ups that contain live sex cams and adult dating sites.
So if he`s been viewing porn then these things will be in the history regardless.

Jayme if your sex life is good then I will repeat what I`ve already told you.
This has nothing to do with you.

The myth that men will prefer sex to almost anything else is truly a myth.
Sometimes we just want the orgasm without the baggage.

Sex with a woman often involves wining & dining & foreplay & and stressing over whether or not she`s going to get off, hoping we don`t cum too quickly and on and on and any combination of the above....sometimes we just want to have the orgasm and get rid of the erection.

It has nothing to do with our wives or girlfriends.

If you have frequent satisfying sex with your husband then you don`t have to worry that your inadequate.
It`s not about you.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Enchantment said:


> I believe that a husband's and wife's sexuality should be SHARED within a marriage. You may feel differently, that's okay. The OP needs to determine what her feeling is and what her husband's feeling is regarding this.


This is the right way to think of it--to a point.

Typically, and I am generalizing here, the urge to have sex occurs more frequently in one partner than the other. And also typically for much of the first part of a long marriage (if you last that long), that person wanting more is the man.

So any first dibbs is usually fulfilled.

So the other partner is either going not fully satisfied or taking care of their own needs.

And as others said, a guy is going to look for a visual aid.

And unfortunately, almost any online location pops up a second screen that you have to close each and every time that tries to entice you to a chat and/or dating site.

If the person who does not desire sex as often gets to set the set point of how often relations are to occur, it breeds this unfulfilled resentment. If the person with the higher desire get s to set it the lower desire person feels used and resentment builds.


The solution? Let the higher desire person supplement solo and don't make a stink about it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> HER husband, not you, needs to re-assure her that this isn't anything to do with her.


She came here asking for opinions.
Considering she initially stated their sex life was great I gave a valid opinion from a better perspective than any woman could give her.

I gave her what she asked for.

Why are you giving me a hard time for that? 



> And while I think that masturbation is perfectly normal, I DO think that it does have something to do with the spouse. They should be able to have 'first dibs', if possible.


I disagree and have stated why I disagree from a male perspective.
I don`t remember my wife calling "first dibs" during my wedding vows.
Maybe your vows were different.



> I believe that a husband's and wife's sexuality should be SHARED within a marriage. You may feel differently, that's okay. The OP needs to determine what her feeling is and what her husband's feeling is regarding this.


So if a wife should demand that her husband should cease all masturbation you feel that`s perfectly fine and he should simply comply with that request?
I`m not saying she is or would but some have as has been posted here before and your statement above seems to agree with that situation.

I am a little touchy on this subject because I`ve seen so many posts here where wives want to control their husbands perfectly normal sexuality concerning masturbation.
They seem to do this because they take their husbands masturbation as a personal insult.
I find that horrendously arrogant and controlling.

*Jayme, the above statement does not apply to you.
This does not seem to be what you`re doing.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

michzz said:


> This is the right way to think of it--to a point.
> 
> Typically, and I am generalizing here, the urge to have sex occurs more frequently in one partner than the other. And also typically for much of the first part of a long marriage (if you last that long), that person wanting more is the man.
> 
> ...



Excellent post!!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

deejov said:


> Men AND women do it, ocassionally. Sometimes women prefer it too. That is normal.
> My H does it instead of sex. Every day. So how does someone draw the line? It's hurtful, just to know about it, even once. But as a woman, I accept it. Once in awhile.
> 
> But I cannot accept it as a replacement for sex.


That`s different from what we have in this thread.

If your husband declines sex with you in preference of masturbation you need to sit him down and discuss it.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

tacoma said:


> She came here asking for opinions.
> Considering she initially stated their sex life was great I gave a valid opinion from a better perspective than any woman could give her.
> 
> I gave her what she asked for.
> ...


Well, I wasn't purposefully trying to give you a hard time. I'm sorry my words made you feel like that - that wasn't my intention at all. 





tacoma said:


> I disagree and have stated why I disagree from a male perspective.
> I don`t remember my wife calling "first dibs" during my wedding vows.
> Maybe your vows were different.


Maybe. My husband and I believe in the "wives do not deny your body to your husband, and husbands do not deny your body to your wives." So, yeah, we do give each other first dibs.

That's fine - everybody has different beliefs. The important thing is that a husband and wife believe the same thing or at least strive to some kind of mutual understanding (and not just on masturbation either). 





tacoma said:


> So if a wife should demand that her husband should cease all masturbation you feel that`s perfectly fine and he should simply comply with that request?
> I`m not saying she is or would but some have as has been posted here before and your statement above seems to agree with that situation.


No, I wasn't saying that at all - hmm, I must not have expressed myself very clearly - I seem to be having a problem with that today. 

I don't believe I said that a wife should be able to demand or control her husband this way. Rather, I suggested they discuss it because if the wife is insecure about it, it will end up causing problems in their relationship. (Same thing with the posts I've seen from guys who are upset when they find out their wife is masturbating but not sharing that with them.)

I'm a big proponent of talking things out and not letting them fester. If you can't tell your spouse how you feel about something, then who can you tell (well, besides an internet forum  )?



tacoma said:


> I am a little touchy on this subject because I`ve seen so many posts here where wives want to control their husbands perfectly normal sexuality concerning masturbation.
> They seem to do this because they take their husbands masturbation as a personal insult.
> I find that horrendously arrogant and controlling.


Yah, I remember some of those posts. I think there are a few things that may play in to this for certain couples - a mismatch in the couple's core beliefs about this issue which causes the contention to arise, a lack of understanding about each other's sexuality, and a great insecurity in the parnter who is upset by it. I think from the posts I've seen it appears that for some spouses (both men & women) it seems to cause esteem issues (insecurity) just like being rejected does - maybe that is how they actually feel - their partner is rejecting them to masturbate.

Anyway, after all that, I think all of this discussion is a moot point, as Jayme indicated that the problem isn't masturbation or porn per se, but the fact that he is turning more to masturbation and seems to be supplanting the intimacy that they have had.

Best wishes.


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## Jayme (Sep 24, 2011)

WHEN we have sex it's great emphasis on the "when" that's what I meant by my previous statement and I would have given more detail in my first post however there wasn't enough space provided to give all of the details of the situation. In this relationship I have ALWAYS been the one who constantly wants to have sex, he on the other hand not so much, that's another reason why I don't get the masturbation. I don't want wining and dining, I WANT SEX, I get off pretty easily and if he doesn't feel like doing the work I have no problem taking control. I think that if I am willing and capable he should come to me first. If I'm on the rag and he's in the mood I never hesitate to give him a BJ, I am conservative and shy when it comes to masturbation but NOT with sex. I want to be first in line, not second! Thanks.


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## Jayme (Sep 24, 2011)

I am not a very skilled typist and to give every single detail would take to long and too much space haha


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Jayme said:


> WHEN we have sex it's great emphasis on the "when" that's what I meant by my previous statement and I would have given more detail in my first post however there wasn't enough space provided to give all of the details of the situation. In this relationship I have ALWAYS been the one who constantly wants to have sex, he on the other hand not so much, that's another reason why I don't get the masturbation. I don't want wining and dining, I WANT SEX, I get off pretty easily and if he doesn't feel like doing the work I have no problem taking control. I think that if I am willing and capable he should come to me first. If I'm on the rag and he's in the mood I never hesitate to give him a BJ, I am conservative and shy when it comes to masturbation but NOT with sex. I want to be first in line, not second! Thanks.


I tend to agree that masturbation is an essential part of masculine sexuality, and that porn is an important component to that. I also agree that the XXX dating sites and chat rooms are a non-issue, more than likely. It has become pretty standard for regular porn tube site to take ads from such sites as AdultFriendFinder and such, which throw pop-ups at you like confetti. More than likely he just wanted to get his oil changed (but didn't want the full 14 point inspection) and figured you weren't in the mood.

Which brings up an interesting question: when you and your h has sex, who initiates? And how? That could provide an important clue as to his over-all motivations.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Jayme said:


> WHEN we have sex it's great emphasis on the "when" that's what I meant by my previous statement and I would have given more detail in my first post however there wasn't enough space provided to give all of the details of the situation. In this relationship I have ALWAYS been the one who constantly wants to have sex, he on the other hand not so much, that's another reason why I don't get the masturbation. I don't want wining and dining, I WANT SEX, I get off pretty easily and if he doesn't feel like doing the work I have no problem taking control. I think that if I am willing and capable he should come to me first. If I'm on the rag and he's in the mood I never hesitate to give him a BJ, I am conservative and shy when it comes to masturbation but NOT with sex. I want to be first in line, not second! Thanks.


If this is true then I agree with you 100% if your willing to take care of his needs as you outlined in this post then your married to a selfish jerk.

If I was married to someone who put importance on sex in the marriage by not refusing and by giving BJ's even when they wern't in the mood I'd never touch my d--- again and would always want to make love to my wife.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Porn rots the male brain...


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