# I think my husband is attracted to his brother's wife



## vanessa1148

Every time she speaks, he always listens intently, and giggles like a little school boy. I can also tell by the way he talks about her and by the 'vibes' he puts out when she is around. I asked him about this once, and he dodged the subject and didn't give me a straight answer.

My sister in law is a good person who would never encourage such attentions, so I know it's not her fault, she is also a good friend of mine too. I feel resentful towards my husband, however, and now am starting to develop ill feelings for my sister in law as well.

If you would offer some advice on how I best deal with my feelings of jealousy, I would be grateful.


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## Hope1964

Other than asking him about it once, you haven't discussed this with him?? I would think that would be your first step. Let him know you don't like it (in a kind way - we can all get a crush/be attracted to someone else) and tell him you just need to make sure he's aware of his own feelings and that he probably needs to back off. If he freaks out or something then you have bigger problems on your hands.


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## Mavash.

Go back and deal with the elephant in the room. Don't let your husband dodge the subject. Deal with it. He's behaving disrespectfully and it needs to stop.


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## vanessa1148

Hope1964 said:


> Other than asking him about it once, you haven't discussed this with him?? I would think that would be your first step. Let him know you don't like it (in a kind way - we can all get a crush/be attracted to someone else) and tell him you just need to make sure he's aware of his own feelings and that he probably needs to back off. If he freaks out or something then you have bigger problems on your hands.


Nah I haven't had a full on discussion about it. I know he will just accuse me of 'imagining things, being insecure' etc. I know that I'm right - I can see the warning signs. However I don't have any proof - so to speak.


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## NextTimeAround

The other thing to do is to --to the extent possible-- ensure that your husband has no contact with her at all.

When planning things between both families, you be the go between. If SIL is not interested in your husband's attention, this should be easy.

then when your husband forces the issue, that's when it is easier to have that talk because his behaviour will be more exaggerated.


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## Chelle D

vanessa1148 said:


> Nah I haven't had a full on discussion about it. I know he will just accuse me of 'imagining things, being insecure' etc. I know that I'm right - I can see the warning signs. However I don't have any proof - so to speak.


Okay.. so you keep the conversation flowing... You tell him, yes, you probably ARE overreacting. You probably ARE being insecure.. But. that doesn't stop it from bothering you.

Maybe it is just your jealously but that doesn't stop you from feeling like he reacts differently to her than if you had said the same comment. You don't like it. You would appreciate if he just watched his reactions when she is around. Maybe notice when he is being more attentive to her.


However.. all that being said... I have the same thing happen, but it is when his nieces are at the family function. He gives them more smiles & hugs than he gives me. ... but I will not bring up the topic for conversation. I'm too chicken.


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## C123

This has to be directly addressed and it won't be pleasant, but once it's addressed and dealt with, everyone will be happier.

It's going to be difficult. You'll have to really, truly tell him how you feel and how his behavior makes YOU feel as his wife. If he continues to deny it, you'll have take him out of his comfort zone. Be prepared to make threats but they'll be threats you'll need to act on. If he acknowledges his attraction, don't scold him, just tell him why it's wrong and how it bothers you. The fact is, people become attracted to other people. It happens to married people as much as it happens to single people. The key is appropriately dealing with that attraction.

Maybe the best way to handle it is to approach him softly on it rather than being immediately confrontational. If he denies, then ramp up the confrontation little by little. If you approach him softly, you give him the opportunity to come clean without making him immediately defensive, which won't help.

I'm sure he loves you very much but this needs to be dealt with and you can do it!


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## sandc

vanessa1148 said:


> Nah I haven't had a full on discussion about it. I know he will just accuse me of 'imagining things, being insecure' etc. I know that I'm right - I can see the warning signs. However I don't have any proof - so to speak.


Tell him that you IMAGINE he needs to stop acting like a schoolboy when she's around. That you IMAGINE he would not like you acting like that around his brother. 

If that doesn't work you could start acting the same way around his brother. I IMAGINE your husband wouldn't like that very much. Now would he?


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## vanessa1148

sandc said:


> Tell him that you IMAGINE he needs to stop acting like a schoolboy when she's around. That you IMAGINE he would not like you acting like that around his brother.
> 
> If that doesn't work you could start acting the same way around his brother. I IMAGINE your husband wouldn't like that very much. Now would he?


Ahahahaha I like the sound of that. I have to be very careful about how I approach this - I want this to be dealt with without him turning it around and making it my fault. I also don't want my friendship with my sister in law damaged either. As I said, she's been a great friend to me.


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## wiigirl

Mavash. said:


> Go back and deal with the elephant in the room. Don't let your husband dodge the subject. Deal with it. He's behaving disrespectfully and it needs to stop.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vanessa1148

Chris Taylor said:


> OK, I guess I'm the minority opinion here.
> 
> I have had six sisters-in-law. When I meet up with them at parties, etc... I listen intently to what they have to say and will giggle at their comments, even if they are lame jokes. They are family and I treat them as such. Some of them are damn good looking, some not so much. But they get my respectful attention when they are with me.
> 
> If my wife ever said I was giving off vibes with them, I'd brush her off, too.
> 
> BUT if she said she felt hurt by wheat I was doing, I'd address the hurt.
> 
> Just what sort of "vibes" is he giving off that caused all of this?


Hiya Chris thanks for your post. He just acts differently around her, he softens his voice when he talks to her. Also, he has gushed about her 'cute little laugh' and the 'funny things she says'. He doesn't miss a word she says. He always turns his head towards her and listens intently - even while watching football in TV! When I've tried to ask him a question while he watches TV - he completely ignores me! Or I have to repeat myself over and over just to see what he wants for dinner!


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## vanessa1148

Chris Taylor said:


> How is listening and laughing with a sister-in-law disrespectful? Can't see how.
> 
> If you mean his brushing off the subject is disrespectful, I can see that but it would depend on how OP addressed it. If she didn't mention she was hurt by the interaction and just mentioned it, I'd brush it off, too.



Fair enough Chris I get what you are saying.


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## Mavash.

Chris Taylor said:


> How is listening and laughing with a sister-in-law disrespectful? Can't see how.


THIS is disrespectful. This woman gets more attention than his wife does. That is not okay with me.



> He always turns his head towards her and listens intently - even while watching football in TV! When I've tried to ask him a question while he watches TV - he completely ignores me! Or I have to repeat myself over and over just to see what he wants for dinner!


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## CandieGirl

Have you thought about talking to the sister in law, as in, "Hey sis, I think my hubby has a little crush on you...", keep it light with her, laugh it off, but, then tell your husband. I'm sure his gushing and giggling will come to an abrupt halt. Unless of course, you SIL is an attention hog...that would be another story!


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## Mavash.

CandieGirl said:


> Have you thought about talking to the sister in law, as in, "Hey sis, I think my hubby has a little crush on you...", keep it light with her, laugh it off, but, then tell your husband. I'm sure his gushing and giggling will come to an abrupt halt. Unless of course, you SIL is an attention hog...that would be another story!


I had the same thought except in my plan I'd tell the husband FIRST and if he didn't knock it off then I'd threaten to embarrass him. I'd expose the crush just like you would a full blown affair.

Yes I'm aware I don't always play nice with others. LOL


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## CandieGirl

Mavash. said:


> I had the same thought except in my plan I'd tell the husband FIRST and if he didn't knock it off then I'd threaten to embarrass him. I'd expose the crush just like you would a full blown affair.
> 
> Yes I'm aware I don't always play nice with others. LOL


That is soooo something I would do.


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## jfv

vanessa1148 said:


> Every time she speaks, he always listens intently, and giggles like a little school boy. I can also tell by the way he talks about her and by the 'vibes' he puts out when she is around. I asked him about this once, and he dodged the subject and didn't give me a straight answer.
> 
> My sister in law is a good person who would never encourage such attentions, so I know it's not her fault, she is also a good friend of mine too. I feel resentful towards my husband, however, and now am starting to develop ill feelings for my sister in law as well.
> 
> If you would offer some advice on how I best deal with my feelings of jealousy, I would be grateful.


Tell him you are going to mention it to his brother and since it isn't a big deal, he shouldn't have a problem with it.


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## Emerald

vanessa1148 said:


> Hiya Chris thanks for your post. He just acts differently around her, he softens his voice when he talks to her. Also, he has gushed about her 'cute little laugh' and the 'funny things she says'. He doesn't miss a word she says. He always turns his head towards her and listens intently - even while watching football in TV! When I've tried to ask him a question while he watches TV - he completely ignores me! Or I have to repeat myself over and over just to see what he wants for dinner!


Ummm yeah...he has a crush on her & he's not even subtle about it.

For all you know, SIL & Brother are aware of it & it is awkward for them

I would tell him to knock it off.

.


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## sandc

vanessa1148 said:


> Ahahahaha I like the sound of that. I have to be very careful about how I approach this - I want this to be dealt with without him turning it around and making it my fault. I also don't want my friendship with my sister in law damaged either. As I said, she's been a great friend to me.


Then if she's a good friend maybe you need to talk to her first. Let her know you're concerned about how your husband is acting around her and ask her if she's noticed it. Maybe she can partner with you to discourage him from acting that way. It's a just a crush, plain and simple.

Or tell his brother. You girls can go see a movie while the boys iron things out.


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## unbelievable

You've married a man. As such, he's attracted to probably half the women on this planet. He married you. You should expect that he not fool around on you but don't imagine that he doesn't notice every attractive woman that enters into his field of vision. I don't find my sisters in law particularly attractive but I do go out of my way to be charming around them. To do otherwise would be a dis to my brothers. I expect them to treat my wife nicely, too.


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## Chelle D

unbelievable said:


> You've married a man. As such, he's attracted to probably half the women on this planet. He married you. You should expect that he not fool around on you but don't imagine that he doesn't notice every attractive woman that enters into his field of vision. I don't find my sisters in law particularly attractive but I do go out of my way to be charming around them. To do otherwise would be a dis to my brothers. I expect them to treat my wife nicely, too.


Okay.... But, do you pay more attention to what SIL says than what your wife says?? And I mean actively attentively listening to what SIL would say.. .but offhand listening to wife at same table conversation?

There is a difference between respecting your brothers wife,.. and showing crush-type responses.


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## KathyBatesel

I think he's got a crush on her, but that doesn't mean he's being unfaithful or disloyal, either. It's impossible to control that kind of response EVEN IF he is 100% dedicated to his relationship. Sometimes people can just trigger primal responses in us.

At the same time, though, it certainly presents a risk. If his primary relationship goes sour, this woman could be his "light at the end of the tunnel" so to speak. 

You're in an awkward situation because she's your SIL. It's probably a bit awkward for him, too, because it's his brother's wife. I'd bet his brother notices your guy's behavior, too. 

You can use your guy's past behaviors to gauge how much risk is present. Has he ever betrayed his close friends and family? 

If I was in your shoes, I wouldn't allow this to be a wedge between us. I'd call it out in the open in a fun, affectionate way - probably in front of those in-laws - by saying something like "Aw, look how attentive my Johnny is to his SIL! Puppy love is so adorable! Good thing you have me to take care of you at home, huh, Johnny?" I think many men have a desire NOT to be seen as childlike in ANY way, and that he'd make it a point to "prove" that he's too many for childish crushes. It's also likely to make your in-laws more alert and cautious about his behavior, which also would work to your advantage better than any criticism, nagging, or fear ever will.

Edited to add: Years ago, a guy I worked with gave me a ride home sometimes. My now-ex questioned me about him, saying that I was giggly and flirtatious. I thought he was crazy! I did not think of my coworker in any way other than as a coworker and casual acquaintance. However, when my relationship soured and my ex beat me up, guess who I turned to for comfort? And unsurprisingly, as soon as I became single we started dating. Your man might not be aware that his behavior is out of the ordinary, but do trust your senses.


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## simplysadmarriage

Hi there!

I have same problems encounter now. I am very sad with my marriage. Knowing this kind of difficulty I am encountering now. Please help I think and believe some warnings signs as well are present to my husband, that he likes his sis in law. We are all living in the same house. We have been married since October of last year, but I was with my husband and his family for almost a year now. I am seeing those warning signs, like my husband stares at his sister in law a "unique stare" that he does not do or shown to me. For example, if she will pass going somewhere in the house, he stares it longer, or else they both have eye contact or he will give much attention, He tends yo stay much on the 1st floor of the house if his sis n law was there, but if I will go down my husband is mostly shock, for no reason. We are just newly married, and I think our "honeymoon" phase is handled with care and cherish more, but this problems do arise. I have let my husband known my frustrations. And ask him straight forward if he have some kind of degree of attraction to his sis n law. but he always denies it, but his actions speaks a lot.we always fight every month. PLEASE HELP ME


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## simplysadmarriage

Hi there!

I have same problems encounter now. I am very sad with my marriage. Knowing this kind of difficulty I am encountering now. Please help I think and believe some warnings signs as well are present to my husband, that he likes his sis in law. We are all living in the same house. We have been married since October of last year, but I was with my husband and his family for almost a year now. I am seeing those warning signs, like my husband stares at his sister in law a "unique stare" that he does not do or shown to me. For example, if she will pass going somewhere in the house, he stares it longer, or else they both have eye contact or he will give much attention, He tends yo stay much on the 1st floor of the house if his sis n law was there, but if I will go down my husband is mostly shock, for no reason. We are just newly married, and I think our "honeymoon" phase is handled with care and cherish more, but this problems do arise. I have let my husband known my frustrations. And ask him straight forward if he have some kind of degree of attraction to his sis n law. but he always denies it, but his actions speaks a lot.we always fight every month. PLEASE HELP ME


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