# Thinking of getting off the rollercoaster...



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

After 8 months and still working on our relationship, why do I wake up every morning and the first thought in my head always has something to do with his affair. Does HE wake up and think about it, or has he moved on. If so, I wish I knew his secret. I'm struggling with this folks. When do I get MY life back? I think it some ways its emotionally lazy for me to fall back in to anger and hurt...which I keep to myself. I usually find an excuse not to be around my family when I feel this way, and bury myself in work and keep it to myself. 

The other day my H said to me he feels more connected to me now than he ever has. I told him its a false feeling because we aren't connected. I do not trust him at all, and I told him I know for a fact he lied and has hid certain details. For reasons he is either too ashamed or doesn't want to hurt me further, they are still lies and if he's lying to me or keeping things from me when I asked to know, how can he possibly connect with me. I told him for the first time ever I feel disconnected from anyone and totally alone. 

You might think that conversation would continue but we were going to be I guess we fell asleep and he never brought it up again. 

I'm not really sure what to do but the anger and hurt keeps boiling up, which for me I just hold it in. 

I think back to when this all started, he had me fooled in to thinking we were happy but obviously he wasn't. He even lied to me and told me how great things were, so why would I believe him now? Even when I suspected and confronted him, it was my imagination, when I caught him sending explicit photos and emails, I was overreacting. I had to tell him if he lied to me one more time I would never speak to him just for him to admit the affair which was plain as day from his email....

I guess the issue is he never admitted anything he didn't have to, maybe that fuels my distrust and anger. I'm honestly thinking of just giving up because I really don't want to feel angry, sad, and not be able to trust my spouse... 

Having a rough week I guess. Ride the roller coaster, try me again in half hour I may have a different opinion. Problem is when I feel really low like this, it feels very real and doesn't seem to be anyway out.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

A,

Your first paragraph actually summed it up.

After 8 months and still working on our relationship

**This means still in the deciding part of issue.

why do I wake up every morning and the first thought in my head always has something to do with his affair. 

**I did the same, mind was actual moment of penetration each and every morning.

Does HE wake up and think about it, or has he moved on.

**No doubt, and if it was a horrible thing want to be forgotten but if pleasant memories would be good remember he was the user.

If so, I wish I knew his secret. 

**There is no secret darling he is the user you are the victim.

I'm struggling with this folks.

**No doubt you are.

When do I get MY life back?

**Stay in the marriage you never fully get it back. There is always going to be mistrust. How will you feel when he wants a mans night out knowing the borders of marriage has been destroyed.

I think it some ways its emotionally lazy for me to fall back in to anger and hurt...which I keep to myself. 

**Its called using your inner self, but be careful that can become withdrawal.

I usually find an excuse not to be around my family when I feel this way, and bury myself in work and keep it to myself. 

**How long do you intend this to continue, it took me 2 wasted years of my life.

They never admit 100% that is a given, heck found out literally 10 yrs ago the acts they was doing she would not to me. 

You are 8mths later at your own cross road, you must choose wisely.

1 Stay and live with your decision, now doesn't sound easy but understand that all the emotional, memories and mistrust comes with this road for as long as the relationship is intact. This is a known fact.

2 Leave the let destiny roll the dice for you, in my case it was double 7's. To know if I had chosen to stay what would have missed.

I love the counseling people, marriage support orgs in my 20 year quest for logic. They all forget one simple fact e are aninals and all "DO NOT HAVE AN ANSWER FOR ANGER AND FORGETTING". The usual response is get over it, hey dude/duddette you forget I am the victim. The usual response at that point is silence. See there is no support or answers for hat fact.

8 mths its sounds like you must choose. It is not going away and 8 mths do you want 1 yr, 2 yrs or 5 yrs.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Kind of sounds like it never was whole for you again, sounds like it can't be for anyone...Maybe not. I'm beginning to really think this way. Once broken its always weak, kind of like repairing a crack, you might make it look good but its never as strong as it was. Once the damage is done, I guess its irreparable..


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

A,

First of all as a fellow victim, I feel your pain, as I would have posted the same 29.4 years ago if internet was here.

You are correct some can do it, however that is a guise every movie with cheating, ever cheatig love song and every moment of spouse freedom will have the pain, hurt and memory in it.

As you might has guess I am frontal very vocal in these feely good days.

No its never as strong as it was, nor will it be. 

There can be spiritual, mental fresh paint put on the marriage but remember we are talking life here.

There will be reminders of the affair in all your life. I can tell you cannot watch a cheater love movie. I literally need to walk out.

This is you and only you to decide, did god intervene my ex falling down stairs (read my first post) I do not know, or a guiding hand in a very young girl introducing herself to me. I do not know but have to beleive in something.

Once again my unknown friend you have a supporter here.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Some days I feel like forgiving him, other days, I kick myself for not leaving. I learned to not depend on my hubby for my happiness. Yes, we share kids, but he never has understood me as a person. He let us become disconnected. I don't know what I would do to recover from a real life affair.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Sensitive,

As a loving human being I hope you shall never know the pain of a real life affair.

The living with an affair (not recovering) is to each person. The person elects to live with it or moves on.

Best of luck


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I feel your pain This is me! I go back and forth and no sex was involved just kissing and some grab on the bum. but a betrayel is the same if its a lie or physical whatever the situation. I really REALLY hope that 8 months past the incident we are ok. I cant CANT stand the thought of feeling like this the rest of my life.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Sunflower,

Take your thoughts to a full affair, and understand the pain.

A touch on the bum ,think now of a penetration.

That is reality of an affair.

Anger, has no minion. matter of fact if not controlled can be deadly.

Do not post feely good politically correct, but from reality.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I know I think that I would seriously LOSE MY MIND I give her big time credit she is a very strong person and loves him VERY much cause she wouldnt stay if she didnt. But love will take them where they need to go and if they love each other they will move on cause they dont want they have to be gone. And I think that also a good thing would be to sit down with each other and see why it happend what was lost?


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Sun,

How old are you???, I am almost 60.

She has stayed suffered mentally in anguish, the hate and anger is consuming.

Its been 8 months with no relent.

I suffered for 2 yrs before the fateful day.

No doubt they have talked, love take them.

Love can destroy too, I am either too old or you too young.

She just needs to decide.

Stay or go, and to live with the decision.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I am 27 and I went through some crap. with my hubby it sucks but it wasnt like that. but still..... I dont know its hard to end something that you werent ready to end you know.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Sun,

The pain by this couple is way past yours, trust me if you would know.

Ever think of murdering your spouse, it eventually degrades to this point.

Its all consuming if you cannot forget. 

Then if you can forget, the distrust is lifelong another factor.

Yes allot of baggage you as a victim must carry.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Here is some of my insight and I am speaking from experience. People are wired differently, some people can commit actions with no fore thought or remorse, and some people think thru everything and replay regrets over and over. An affair isn't like stubbing your toe, an accident, affairs take planning, deceit, lies, betrayal. People(your husband) who can do that also get over it quickly, he doesn't understand why it still bothers you, gosh, he said he was sorry, can't you just let it go? You are different than him, what you can't get over is how if he loved you at all is it possible for him to have caused you so much pain, pain that a good person would never inflict on another, pain that could have been avoided. My ex recently told me she hopes we can be friends, for the sake of the kids I managed to keep my mouth shut. But what I thought was I would/could never be friends with someone like her, I respect my friends, I depend on my friends, and I TRUST my friends. 
If you were not married to this man and you just met would you want to be friends with him? If the answer is yes than you both have some work to do, if the answer is no, you can finish this sentence.

Cooper


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Cooper,

One word on your post "BRAVO".

My ex is the most hated person on the planet earth 30 yrs later.

Now here is my voodoo doll.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I agree cooper and disagree I think that people sometimes make choices WRONG choices and dont think it threw due to alcohol it seems most times when people cheat its when they drink alot cause then all the sudden the reasons make sence.

and Reid, 

I dont think that you have seen my post about my story or maybe you would understand that I did have it pretty ****ty.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Sun,

My god are you so polically correct.


Cooper, according to Sun you cheat all is well.

We all have choices Sun the cheater created the first one.

The victim has a choice to stay live with it or move on.

What part don' t you get.

You cheat face up to the possible conquences.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

reidqa said:


> Sun,
> 
> My god are you so polically correct.
> 
> ...







I am not saying if your significant other cheats then to stay NOT AT ALL. BUT it all depends now if they cheated cause they are jerks and just want the rush BYE but it all depends everyone has differant reasons for the cheat. But I dont know it just depends on what you are willing to forgive? and what does this mean?

We all have choices Sun the cheater created the first one.

The victim has a choice to stay live with it or move on.

What part don' t you get.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Sun,

This coversation would be ore applicable when hubby states he has been plucking a 18 year old for the past 6 months.

Then come back and post, then your opinion would carry weight.

And we hurt vets of such willing to help.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

hurt vets HUH? I am not with your lingo and what are you talking about you are saying my story hold no flame? we have to have sex to be in the **** list?


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Sun,

You are expressing opinions that you haven't experienced.

When you do, if life has such a thing for you.

Then post you will have friends here.

No flame that is correct, did your hubby go wild for weeks or months with woman.

If not a booty touch doesn't count.

My wife went to a wife bachlorette party, including holding the dancer member for a 5$ tip. Do I want to leave, upset or divorce no way.

Now over the years especially when she was very young do you not think males made advances, I always knew via her telling me, and the guy calling he a *****.

A big difference here.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I don't buy into the excuses for cheating one bit, "I was drunk" "She came on to me" so what! People with values, morals and integrity DON't cheat ! We respect our spouse, partner, marriage, family. Momoftwo is in pain because the man she loved, the man she trusted, the man she depended on to treat her better than anyone failed her. He knocked her life right out from under her. 
Momoftwo, I was on your roller coaster for a long time, you have to decide what is right for you, but I need to tell you this. There is happiness in life, there are people you can trust and depend on. There are people who know when to hold your hand or tell you when to stand on your own. There is life after marriage. I have said this before and I will say it again, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be back in the married life I had. Some people can get past a cheating spouse and some can't, it piss'es me off we even need to try.

Cooper


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

wow it was more then a rub of the butt he made out with my best friend TWICE drunk. And no its not like they screwed but still..............


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

And Sunflower you played poker drunk and naked with his friends, way to be better.

This thread is by and for MOMOFTWO, please let's keep on track. She has asked for help and advise as we all have, it's her turn.

MOMOFTWO, how are you today?

Cooper


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

reidqa said:


> A,
> 
> First of all as a fellow victim, I feel your pain, as I would have posted the same 29.4 years ago if internet was here.
> 
> ...


I went and read your post and I am sorry for what you went through but it seems those experiences made you who you are today. I'm glad to hear you came out on top. Thanks for your support. Still trying to find my way....

I do feel far more positive this week though. The roller coaster has been difficult. Its like I look for an excuse to get off. He's not giving me one, quite the opposite he's trying very hard. Its fear on my part, to trust again. I can't go through this again. I do hear things like "once a cheater, always a cheater" and it makes my heart stop. I could not do this again.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

sunflower said:


> Ya I feel your pain This is me! I go back and forth and no sex was involved just kissing and some grab on the bum. but a betrayel is the same if its a lie or physical whatever the situation. I really REALLY hope that 8 months past the incident we are ok. I cant CANT stand the thought of feeling like this the rest of my life.


That's it the betrayal. It would have been easier if it was not just a fling with a stranger. But this situation was a huge betrayal. I hate the roller coaster though! I too hope I won't feel this the rest of my life.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Cooper said:


> People(your husband) who can do that also get over it quickly, he doesn't understand why it still bothers you, gosh, he said he was sorry, can't you just let it go? You are different than him, what you can't get over is how if he loved you at all is it possible for him to have caused you so much pain, pain that a good person would never inflict on another, pain that could have been avoided.
> 
> If you were not married to this man and you just met would you want to be friends with him? If the answer is yes than you both have some work to do, if the answer is no, you can finish this sentence.
> 
> Cooper



I do think we are wired differently. If the situation were reversed...and it never would be, I never considered an affair it would make me sick...but assuming it could happen would he forgive. Yes, I think he would. Far easier than me. He would also not want to know anything beyond it happened. He would have no questions. I know him this well, and while just the sheer curiousity would drive other people crazy, he would not have that need to know. 

This would allow him to move past it faster than me. However, in this case he was the cheater. I do know he feels shame and regret. If not, I would not be here. Is it enough? I don't know. 

To answer your last question, if we just met would I want to be friends with him? Yes, absolutely. Everyone does. He's a very giving person, fun to be with, thoughtful, and a good father. So WHO was this man last summer who was anything but those things. He was sullen, angry (never physical beyond hitting a wall with his fist kind of reaction), depressed, thoughtless, mean at times, deceitful, and a disconnected father. I got worried, its when I joined the forum. I thought he was suffering from depression. Come to find out it was the snowball of screwing up and not knowing or trying to fix it. Hoping it would go away and turning more to her again as an escape. 

I told him, you directed your anger at me because I didnt' fix it. I tried. I made him the appointment with a counselor for depression. He went. I made him an appointment with the doctor to test him for everything (thought physical issue), I bought a book for him on depression. I tried everything to pull him out and he took all the help I offered but still struck out at me. Just to be mean and play mind games (his admission) he would leave and spend the night in his car just to hurt me. I'd stay up all night worried he'd harm himself... so that guy no, I never want to see him again. 

I told him when we reconciled, I always loved him but I really didn't like him and I don't ever want to see that guy again. But I also don't want to settle for what we had. I learned something and want more. I want a partner in our  marriage, I don't want to be a caretaker. 

He is stepping up to the plate, I want more but I also know this takes time to change a lifetime of habits so being patient. 

But it was the friendship that gave us the only chance we had. Its why I ever took his call to begin with. I missed my best friend. If we didn't have that I wouldn't have gone done this road. 

Gee, in answering your post I think I answered my original question...


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Cooper said:


> And Sunflower you played poker drunk and naked with his friends, way to be better.
> 
> This thread is by and for MOMOFTWO, please let's keep on track. She has asked for help and advise as we all have, it's her turn.
> 
> ...


Hi Cooper,

Thank you for supporting me and offering me your advice. 

Today I'm actually doing good. Working on some things. I agree with you, there are no reasons to cheat. Alcohol is an excuse! If I were to retaliate and cheat, I'd be just as bad. There are no excuses. 

Having said that, the rollercoaster is heading up. Which means I see hope that we will make it and be happy. Ultimately it comes down to if I believe he is truly a good man and truly regrets his actions. I believe both are true. 

I will also take responsibility for what contributed to hurting our marriage and working on those things (that is separate from the affair, I still hold he has NO excuse). 

I think I am just at that crossroads where I can't hide behind anger and hurt anymore and I have to do some hard work and actually let go. That's harder in my opinion then saying "well I feel this way because he did this". Eventually it will come time to make that leap of faith to trust again. Right now I feel like I'm standing right at the open doorway of an airplane and thinking "if I jump will this chute really open?".


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Hi Sun,

I know you are suffering. Betrayal is still betrayal. I'm here for you, thanks for always supporting me. Hugs to you.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> That's it the betrayal. It would have been easier if it was not just a fling with a stranger. But this situation was a huge betrayal. I hate the roller coaster though! I too hope I won't feel this the rest of my life.




You seriously think that it would have been better for you if it was with someone you guys both knew????


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Sun; I take both sides to whether or not it is easier to deal with the other person being a stranger. When you know that your spose was actually seeking out someone to have sex with it is so much more deliberate than when they get to close and have to many opportunities for something to happen with someone they are around a lot. Either way can hurt just as bad. With someone you know, there are more chances that there is an emotional connection...does that make the affair worse or better? To me that kind of affair is more unintentional and to an extent more understandable. When the affair is with a perfect stanger, the chances of emotional connection is slim to none....it was "just sex". But my feelings are...if you wanted sex, why didn't you just come home and take me??? I was willing anytime, anyday! Was I not enough??? Not good enough??? Not pretty enough??? 

I guess it's a toss up...just remember...an affair can start so easily....it takes 2, but there could be so many reasons why...from the very basic of: the attention he or she gave me made me feel special to it was fun to flirt and it got carried away....so many reasons...none of which should be taken as excuses. I have been the OW, the cheater, and the cheated on. ALL POSITIONS STINK!!! Infidelity is horrible. And all involved lie....to each other, their spouse, friends, family, and probably even to themselves. 

But above all, this post really made me think of my own situation and why or why not I should continue to work on my marriage....thanks everyone!

AZMOMOFTWO: I'm glad you have come to a conclusion about your marriage and are on your way up! Best wishes for you.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Momoftwo


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Way cool you are coming around i am so glad to hear that you are happy! Everyone just wants to be happy again you know!!!!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

raising5boyz said:


> Sun; I take both sides to whether or not it is easier to deal with the other person being a stranger. When you know that your spose was actually seeking out someone to have sex with it is so much more deliberate than when they get to close and have to many opportunities for something to happen with someone they are around a lot. Either way can hurt just as bad. With someone you know, there are more chances that there is an emotional connection...does that make the affair worse or better? To me that kind of affair is more unintentional and to an extent more understandable. When the affair is with a perfect stanger, the chances of emotional connection is slim to none....it was "just sex". But my feelings are...if you wanted sex, why didn't you just come home and take me??? I was willing anytime, anyday! Was I not enough??? Not good enough??? Not pretty enough???
> 
> 
> Funny you say that cause my husband was thinking it wasnt bad it was with her that it would have been worst if it was a stranger he said then you would think i was just out for a peace when I wasnt. I think that he got lost and confused needed to figure it out and he knew her was comfy with her has known her forever. So....... But your right I think that I would have a really hard time if it was a stranger. really hard.
> ...


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

sunflower said:


> You seriously think that it would have been better for you if it was with someone you guys both knew????


Oops! Mistyped that. I meant it WOULD have been easier, I think if it was a one time thing with someone he had a chance encounter with NOT someone we both knew.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Well it is easier to think but not cause seriously you would have felt like he was out looking for it. I dont know it sucks both ends but I have to say I am glad it was with her cause I know how it goes.....


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