# Am I the problem?



## ktb1985 (Oct 27, 2021)

Hello all. First a little background. I've been married for 5.5 years after dating for 3. My wife of hates her birthday. She feels like it's "another year, same old me", or just a reminder each year of all things things she thought she would do and didn't get done. She's not unsuccessful in life mind you. She has a dual masters in Criminal Psychology and Social work, and is employed by the State as an LCSW-R. We have two wonderful boys and a beautiful house in a desirable neighborhood/school district. 

But back to the issue at hand. As I said, my wife hates her birthday and every year I struggle to get her a gift that matches her expectations. It's to the point now that I literally get sick with anxiety the closer her birthday approaches. In years past I went super thoughtful and given her gift certificates for a massage in a handmade jewelry box (that year she left immediately after nearly in tears and I was left to wonder WTF just happened.) Other years I stuck to her Amazon wishlist. Last year I thought I would get her something totally unexpected and let's just say a cat grooming glove ain't it chief. 

Today (OCT 26th) is her actual birthday, and for this year I actually thought I went above and beyond- I got tickets to see Disturbed in concert, and a hotel night. A couple days to get away from the daily grind and see one of her favorite bands. I threw a few things in a gift bag too- a sleep mask for the long car ride along with a travel pillow, and some snacks for the road. I even talked to her mother ahead of time to make sure someone could watch our boys. 

Needless to say things did not go well, hence the reason I am here. Instead of a pleasant surprise I expected, I got a lightning round of questions: "It's on a weeknight? Only 2 weeks from now? How far is the drive...9 hours?! Who will watch the boys? My mom has to work you know. How am I supposed to adjust my schedule?...." 

The rest of the night went by without us talking at all. Mostly because I knew it wouldn't have ended well. After she went up to bed, I sent her this









K

That was the response. Now granted, I said I wasn't in the mood for chatting but is that really all she could muster? Am I overreacting here?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She sounds pretty entitled and selfish to be honest. You are bending over backwards to try and make her happy and then when she throws a fit, YOU then apologise when it should be HER apologizing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She sounds pretty entitled and selfish to be honest. Also very ungrateful. You are bending over backwards to try and make her happy and then when she throws a fit, YOU then apologise when it should be HER apologizing.

Just stop bothering and stop apologizing.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So here is a suggestion -- talk to your wife and tell her you will no longer get her ANY present for her birthday since ALL of them over the years have caused issues between you both.
You can give her a gift card and let her buy what she wants.
Does she think THAT would be better?

OR, just no more surprises AT ALL -- just ask her what she wants this year, and be done with it.
Her reaction, IMO, was WAY over the top considering all the time and effort you went to and for something she would like.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Sounds to me like you've got a spoiled little princess on your hands. Along with you apology, I would tell her that it will never happen again. That from here on out, you'll just be getting her a card for her birthday so she won't have to stress over your gift to her. Then I would do just that.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

One thing stands out, she really doesn’t like birthdays. Buddy, you have to listen. In this case, she’s probably feeling very unheard.

Little kids are really good at telling parents what they don’t want in their school lunch. If they don’t say it, they return the same stuff over and over and a parent should take the hint. 

Small things can become big things when you have to repeat things and your partner keeps doing them. She might be feeling very misunderstood, invalidated, like you don’t care. Because you’re not respecting her wishes. So please, don’t make a fuss of her birthday when she has clearly told you not to. 

There was a poster here once talking about a partner requesting that he not touch her nose. He kept doing it. 

My husband absolutely hates a particular colour that I love on men. It would be very devious of me to buy it for him.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

ktb1985 said:


> Hello all. First a little background. I've been married for 5.5 years after dating for 3. My wife of hates her birthday. She feels like it's "another year, same old me", or just a reminder each year of all things things she thought she would do and didn't get done. She's not unsuccessful in life mind you............
> 
> .......Today (OCT 26th) is her actual birthday, and for this year I actually thought I went above and beyond- I got tickets to see Disturbed in concert, and a hotel night. A couple days to get away from the daily grind and see one of her favorite bands. I threw a few things in a gift bag too- a sleep mask for the long car ride along with a travel pillow, and some snacks for the road. I even talked to her mother ahead of time to make sure someone could watch our boys.
> 
> ...


Some advice from a guy who has been married over 50 years. You did well to get things off your chest by posting and venting. Good job.

First, go back and edit your post. You provided too much personal information. So much so that someone should be able to figure out who you are, or at least who your wife is (licenses in state data bases, birth date, etc.).

Next, get yourself a copy of Chapman's book the Five Languages of Love. Then really think about what are your wife's love languages. Clearly, "presents" are not one of her love languages. You need to learn that if you want your wife to feel loved and cherished, you need to speak her love languages, not yours. Find a different love language method to celebrate her birthday. It could be acts of service, words of affirmation (praise), touch (by you not a massage certificate), or quality time. 

After you have done that, get a copy of Glover's book, No More Mr. Nice Guy and study it. Pay particular attention to the part about "covert contracts." Also, do some introspection on the parts that talk about co-dependence and how when guys gets "clingy" and "sexually needy" it is a real turn off to most women. Now closely do some introspection on your motives for your "birthday gifts." Were those things you gave your wife with absolutely no expectations for anything in return? Was there the slightest covert contract expectation of something in it for you in those gifts? A gift is suppose to be a one-way present, with no strings and no expectations.

Most spouses, really can read what their partner is thinking. Body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, past experiences provide lots of clues as to what is really going on with a spouse and their motivation. 

One of the things that I learned long ago in marriage counseling with my wife was that sometimes when my wife loses it, I need to be the adult in the room. I need to stay calm and not get angry. I need to let her calm down so she can rationally think. I then need to calming talk to her and ask questions so we can discuss what is really going on and/or what her fears are that she is reacting to. You also need to listen to your wife. She has told you not to make a big deal about her birthday. Listen to her. Ask her to explain why she doesn't like to celebrate her birthday. Then if you really like to give her toughtful presents as a way of showing her your love, give her presents on other special days, wedding anniversary, day the two of you met, the day your proposed to her, mother's day, etc.

Good luck.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Young at Heart said:


> Some advice from a guy who has been married over 50 years. You did well to get things off your chest by posting and venting. Good job.
> 
> First, go back and edit your post. You provided too much personal information. So much so that someone should be able to figure out who you are, or at least who your wife is (licenses in state data bases, birth date, etc.).
> 
> ...


This is brilliant advice


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Whilst I think that posters are right that you probably just need to stop trying on her birthday, I think you also have a justifiable expectation to be treated reasonably in your marriage. Regardless of what you organised your wife's response was hurtful and insensitive. At least six of one half a dozen of the other here.

Speak to your wife and tell her what you were trying to achieve and how her reaction was hurtful to you because it was in response to a display of love from you (even if misguided). Ask her what she wants to do and whether you should bother trying anymore as you can't seem to get it right.

Of course try and talk to her about why she feels so bad around her birthday, but be prepared not to get anywhere with that. The problem with emotional trauma is that the traumatised tend to take it out on those closest to them. It is not healthy to be so negative about your birthday. She probably needs some professional support.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

9 hours drive on a weekday?


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

Both of you should take the MBTI test to better understand each other; she seems like an intX. I thought of my self as a broken weird loner until I found out Im intj-t, 98 % introverted & nearly no social energy. I love it when I get to break plans, it can make me gitty. Im not in the mbti church and use it as a tool to help me understand others.

My wife hates her birthday too and pulled some of that on me. But; I happy to be in my head too


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Luckylucky said:


> One thing stands out, she really doesn’t like birthdays. Buddy, you have to listen. In this case, she’s probably feeling very unheard.
> 
> Little kids are really good at telling parents what they don’t want in their school lunch. If they don’t say it, they return the same stuff over and over and a parent should take the hint.
> 
> ...


His gifts aren't good enough for her, so this time he went all out. He DID listen to her. She wanted bigger and better, so he did that this year, then she didn't like it. 

So I really don't understand your post.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Livvie said:


> His gifts aren't good enough for her, so this time he went all out. He DID listen to her. She wanted bigger and better, so he did that this year, then she didn't like it.
> 
> So I really don't understand your post.


Him going big on the gift is the problem. I didn't see him ever say she wanted bigger and better. He said she hates her birthday and all it reminds her of. It sounds like she would prefer the day be ignored, but instead he keeps trying to one up the prior year. 

I think the suggestion to work on understanding her love languages is a great place to start. It seems gifts is not one of them, but he doesn't understand that.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I'd give her the "Deep Freeze" treatment until she was broken.
A 180 would seem pleasant in comparison.
Totally inexcusable.
OP is in a "Damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation. If he totally ignores it, then she will probably have issues with him not being attentive.
Looks like the true enjoyment that she derives from the day is having the chance to put on her best drama and put him through many gyrations, as well as abuse him.
If she truly wants harmony, she would sit down with him and disclose to him what her feelings are about her birthday, what she wants from it, and how he can be supportive.
Instead, it seems like she likes having him swing in the breeze.
He should never get anything for her birthday again except for a card.
I just have to ask the OP, What do you get for your birthday?


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Him going big on the gift is the problem. I didn't see him ever say she wanted bigger and better. He said she hates her birthday and all it reminds her of. It sounds like she would prefer the day be ignored, but instead he keeps trying to one up the prior year.
> 
> I think the suggestion to work on understanding her love languages is a great place to start. It seems gifts is not one of them, but he doesn't understand that.


You could be right and Livvie could be right.

I dont know how to read the OPs post. Said "wife hates her birthday, and every year he struggles to find a gift that matches her expectations". What does that mean?

She hates it so much her expectation is nothing and for it to just go by as another day?
She is greedy and selfish and her expectation is something big and grandiose?
She expects something ONLY from her list and doesnt like when OP goes off script?

Without more info I dont know who is right. As OP puts it out there from his perspective she sounds like a person I would want to just say F it and here's a generic gift card. But that is one side and I dont know for sure the way OP worded his post.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Here's my admittedly shallow take on this very common phenomenon (based on my experience and those of my readers/clients):

Your anxiety over your wife's anxiety is not winning you any points. Somebody needs to play the part of the stoic one, or all hell is going to break loose. Some guys call that "entering into her frame". Meaning that she is the anxious stressed out mommy... and her energy is infecting you and causing you to act like anxious stressed-out mommy part 2.

It may sound archaic, but MY reaction and advice would be to go ahead with the trip anyway. She will kick and stomp and throw an anxious fit over (insert 1,352 reasons here), but you don't care and you continue on anyway. You want to have a great time with your beloved wife and show her how much you love her. Show her that you are her man, and you can handle a little fit. You have everything covered. You're going on a trip. A date. This is what healthy couples do. Show her. Lead her.

I remember a few years into our relationship, I planned an entire weekend in NYC with my then-girlfriend (now wife). My wife is the type-A woman extraordinaire. She's a surgeon... if that gives you any indication of her sometimes controlling nature. She fought me EVERY SINGLE STEP OF THE WAY during that trip. She wanted to know where we're going, what the address was, do I know how to get there, etc. At one point I give the address as "123 Broadway" and she gets anxious and says, "in NYC you say the cross streets... like 7th and Broadway... you don't say the address." Old me would've thrown the luggage down and said,"You know what, ***, just do the damn weekend by yourself." But instead, I laughed. I shushed her. "Trust me. I got this." After the initial anxiety wore off and she saw she could trust her man (a relationship dynamic she never experienced before), she relaxed and enjoyed every moment. I never saw her so giddy. So bouncy. She texted everyone with updates. She posted photos on Facebook. It's been years and she still brings up what an awesome thoughtful weekend that was...and she didn't have to plan any of it!

That text to her was a mistake. There was really nothing to gain. Her reaction was pretty awful, too. Maybe you're way past the "just give it a shot and go on the trip anyway" phase and well into the, "My wife is just a royal *** after all" phase of the relationship.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Next year she opens her birthday card and it says ........ “F*ck Your Birthday. Best Wishes “


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ktb1985 said:


> Hello all. First a little background. I've been married for 5.5 years after dating for 3. My wife of hates her birthday. She feels like it's "another year, same old me", or just a reminder each year of all things things she thought she would do and didn't get done. She's not unsuccessful in life mind you. She has a dual masters in Criminal Psychology and Social work, and is employed by the State as an LCSW-R. We have two wonderful boys and a beautiful house in a desirable neighborhood/school district.
> 
> But back to the issue at hand. As I said, my wife hates her birthday and every year I struggle to get her a gift that matches her expectations. It's to the point now that I literally get sick with anxiety the closer her birthday approaches. In years past I went super thoughtful and given her gift certificates for a massage in a handmade jewelry box (that year she left immediately after nearly in tears and I was left to wonder WTF just happened.) Other years I stuck to her Amazon wishlist. Last year I thought I would get her something totally unexpected and let's just say a cat grooming glove ain't it chief.
> 
> ...


I think the only problem is that you care too much. Don't get her anything next year. Text her happy Birthday and leave it at that, or maybe a card. She said she didn't want to make a big deal, so don't. If you want to do a fun trip with her do a fun trip, it doesn't have to be on her birthday. You can even plan it all out.

The success of your marriage doesn't depend on her happiness in response to your birthday gift, and if it does you are better off not married to her.

Besides that if she is always depressed because of her failure to achieve and if that is hurting your marriage say something about it. Sometimes people are just depressed. I am not saying try but you can't make someone happy. 

The best way to ensure you have a moody spouse is to be afraid of their moods.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If she hates her birthday, why are you doing anything at all? Ignore it. Treat it as any other day. You’ve done way to much for someone who isn’t even a little bit grateful, so stop. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

ktb1985 said:


> Hello all. First a little background. I've been married for 5.5 years after dating for 3. My wife of hates her birthday. She feels like it's "another year, same old me", or just a reminder each year of all things things she thought she would do and didn't get done. She's not unsuccessful in life mind you. She has a dual masters in Criminal Psychology and Social work, and is employed by the State as an LCSW-R. We have two wonderful boys and a beautiful house in a desirable neighborhood/school district.
> 
> But back to the issue at hand. As I said, my wife hates her birthday and every year I struggle to get her a gift that matches her expectations. It's to the point now that I literally get sick with anxiety the closer her birthday approaches. In years past I went super thoughtful and given her gift certificates for a massage in a handmade jewelry box (that year she left immediately after nearly in tears and I was left to wonder WTF just happened.) Other years I stuck to her Amazon wishlist. Last year I thought I would get her something totally unexpected and let's just say a cat grooming glove ain't it chief.
> 
> ...


All I can say is that maybe pay closer attention to what she says she needs. Most women will drop hints throughout the year as to what they would like. She might be just mad that you don't seem to be listening to her, although she be more direct if you're not picking up her hints.

Next birthday, pay closer attention to what she is saying.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

3Xnocharm said:


> If she hates her birthday, why are you doing anything at all? Ignore it. Treat it as any other day. You’ve done way to much for someone who isn’t even a little bit grateful, so stop.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It’s not ungrateful to say you don’t like birthdays. It’s being clear and precise and telling your spouse what you need and don’t need. I’d say they’ve been married long enough for him to know this.


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## Yoni (Feb 7, 2021)

I remember birthday use to be so big deal to me when I was 20s but more and more get orders. I am thankful whatever meal I had every morning. I don't know when last time I got birthday gift.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Luckylucky said:


> It’s not ungrateful to say you don’t like birthdays. It’s being clear and precise and telling your spouse what you need and don’t need. I’d say they’ve been married long enough for him to know this.


It is pretty ungrateful to be so utterly negative about your spouse organising a nice get away doing a fun activity so that you can spend some quality time together though.

Allowing personal hang ups to damage intimacy and romance in your marriage is a problem. I'm all for clear communication, but it has to be based on reasonableness. It is not reasonable to expect others to walk on eggshells around you.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

9 hour drive is too far especially on a weekday for a quick overnight with a show.

Can you fly instead?

BTW the present is great, Disturbed is awesome. I often go on overnight trips to shows with my wife but with much shorter distances involved, like 2h and usually not during the week. Anything longer than 2h or so we usually fly.

I agree with what DSO said just go anyway. Assuming she actually likes the music/band once you get to the show you forget about all the crap that happened before it in my experience.

For the long term issue I know one lady like this. She tells her husband what she expects that year early on about six months out and reminds him regularly leading up to it.

FWIW grown adults getting upset about a birthday present is uh… lame? A child being upset about a birthday present is a teachable moment, by the time you reach adulthood that teaching was supposed to have happened.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Your wife hates her birthday. Instead of respecting that you have spent all this time & effort trying to change her mind. She resents the fact that you aren't listening to her. The more you try to outdo yourself & be thoughtful, the worse it is because you are putting soooooo much effort into something she doesn't want to deal with. Stop 

Nest year get her a card, maybe a cake so your kids can eat cake & a small token. No fuss. No over the top extravagant concert tickets. Boring & low key. 

I'd be more then annoyed about concert tickets 9 hours away during the week. Not everybody can clear their schedule on 2 weeks notice. I can't. So now this thoughtful thoughtless expensive gift becomes a giant pain in my a$$ because I have to rearrange my work schedule, burn a day off, organize overnight child care, pack, travel, . . .ugh. And all of this is to celebrate a day I told you over & over again that I want to ignore. You are sweet for caring & trying to do something nice for your wife but you aren't listening to her. 

IMO there is also something terribly wrong when you have to text your own spouse in the same house.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

D0nnivain said:


> Your wife hates her birthday. Instead of respecting that you have spent all this time & effort trying to change her mind. She resents the fact that you aren't listening to her. The more you try to outdo yourself & be thoughtful, the worse it is because you are putting soooooo much effort into something she doesn't want to deal with. Stop


This is where I very much disagree. These things need to be sorted out by good effective communication not by one spouse just having to tolerate what appears to be irrational behaviour from the other. Hating your birthday do much that you can't enjoy time away with your spouse is irrational behaviour without a clear underlying cause.



> IMO there is also something terribly wrong when you have to text your own spouse in the same house.


There is indeed. They both need to work on their communication. That means his wife actually talking to him about why she feels like she does about her birthday and what she actually wants (and NO what she has done so far is not good enough) rather than criticising him.

Marriages can't work if they are just two people asserting their boundaries with no attempt to reach a mutual understanding. Sadly this is at odds with an individual counselling and self-help culture which encourages personal autonomy at the expense of all else. Good for empowering people to get out of abusive situations, bad for people looking to build relationships with others though.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

@AGoodFlogging I agree that the wife needs to be more appreciative of his efforts but he needs to dial back those efforts to respect her wishes. Compromise is key. If he was doing smaller acknowledgements & she was being rude then it would be her failure to be gracious but as well intentioned as his grandiose plans are, they make it all worse.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

D0nnivain said:


> @AGoodFlogging I agree that the wife needs to be more appreciative of his efforts but he needs to dial back those efforts to respect her wishes. Compromise is key. If he was doing smaller acknowledgements & she was being rude then it would be her failure to be gracious but as well intentioned as his grandiose plans are, they make it all worse.


He did do smaller things, and she wasn't gracious. That's why he went big.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I understand she has always been a bit of a brat about this but it's a sore spot for her. He wants to celebrate HER birthday for him & that is the heart of the problem. Going bigger made it worse.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

D0nnivain said:


> I understand she has always been a bit of a brat about this but it's a sore spot for her. He wants to celebrate HER birthday for him & that is the heart of the problem. Going bigger made it worse.


Not true. His past gifts haven't been good enough for her.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

This thread lacks vital, necessary detail:

1. What has the DQ done for the OP's birthday's in the past?
2. What was the DQ's response to the text that he fired off to her?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Livvie said:


> His gifts aren't good enough for her, so this time he went all out. He DID listen to her. She wanted bigger and better, so he did that this year, then she didn't like it.





Livvie said:


> Not true. His past gifts haven't been good enough for her.


Where are you getting this from? 

In the original post he talks about two extravagant things he did -- massage gift certificate in a hand made box & now this trip -- which resulted in tears & drama. When he stuck to her wish list on Amazon there was no drama. He was still upset because she didn't give him a big thank you & he didn't like her reaction. He wants her to like her birthday & that's just not going to happen. The whole day / concept sucks for her so he needs to accept that her being there, accepting gifts & letting him & the kids celebrate her is as good as it's going to get because she hates the day. 

It's not about the presents. It's about her preferring to ignore the whole tradition but him not letting her.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well, here's the kind of b**ch I am. I would tell her, "From now on I am going to grant your wishes and ignore your birthday, on the condition that you do something really nice for me on mine, because I love my birthday and would be very hurt if you didn't try to make it special. The good thing is that since we won't be spending any money on yours, you needn't skimp on my present💝."


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