# Is blaming the jilted spouse normal?



## Moving-on (May 12, 2017)

Hello All...1st time posting,

My spouse and I have been married for 10 years (we're both 40). We've had our ups and downs...mainly communication issues (see length of story below, I communicate too much). We had a pretty rough time our 1st couple years, but we were able to get passed it.

Sorry...this will be long...I'm setting up a back story. About 2 years ago, I noticed different behavior in my husband. He started acting very distant. When I would bring these issues to his attention, he would blame me (started saying I was hormonal and probably going through early menopause). To be honest, I started thinking maybe he was right...went and got myself checked out, but that wasn't the issue. Things came to a head last year. Although we weren't seeing eye to eye, I wanted to give my husband a milestone birthday to remember. When we were dating, he would always joke about wanting his pilots license and to fly a plane. The weekend before his birthday I scheduled a flying lesson for him. I thought it was great...he spent some time in the simulator, and off we went for a 2 hour flight. Afterwards, (I spent months planning this) he had a surprise wine party and a cute little restaurant/bar. His colleagues and family and I dined on steak and had a marvelous time. Oh...did I mention he didn't want to sit next to me the entire gathering...or that I had to keep asking him most of the day to smile because he seemed so distant with me? Fast forward to the day of his actual birthday. It fell in the middle of the week and he came home with a large ballon and a card. He went on and on about this lady at work giving them to him and she's "so nice" and she "didn't have to do this" and was smiling from ear to ear. Needless to say, I BLEW MY TOP.

Fast forward to my own milestone birthday. I was told I didn't deserve anything because I ruined his actual birthdate...so I checked myself into a nice hotel and celebrated by myself (relaxing spa weekend). I sent him a picture of my hotel breakfast. When I got home and asked if he got the picture he said, "he'd hoped I'd choked on it." Of course he tried to say he was joking. Guilt got the best of him in the end and he did by me a grocery store cake, some balloons and a present. So at least he didn't let the entire day go by without doing anything.

Life goes on and I come to find out my husband has had an STD our entire relationship (would have been nice to know), he'd been lying about going on business trips (actually checking into hotels in town and hanging out with "his boys"). I honestly don't know the man I married, because he has lied to me from the beginning. I am making the decision to leave the marriage for 2 reasons 1. He is a liar 2. He treated me cold and condescending. I probably could have dealt with 1 issue but not both. Life's too short to keep yourself attached to toxic people.

After all that typing...here's my question. As I'm still trying to sort through my feelings, he will randomly act like it's my fault that this is happening. Is that normal? Does he really think it's me? He got upset with me last night because I said "I told you..." (he's very forgetful). Started saying he's not a 5 year old. Said he's been dealing with me speaking that way for a long time. I found myself apologizing then stopped...Dude I'm dealing with some real issues regarding who I THOUGHT you were and you want to pick on something like me saying "I told you?!!?"


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Get out of the relationship! He doesn't respect you and you don't need to put up with the reeking BS that he's stirring up! You deserve far better out of life!

And given the fullness of his STD revelation, that doesn't really seem to help matters, either!

Methinks that he's getting his ashes hauled elsewhere!*


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## Moving-on (May 12, 2017)

Actually he didn't "reveal" it...I found the pills while cleaning his pants pockets. He got careless I guess.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Yes it is. Many when caught will blame their spouse for forcing them to cheat. The funny thing is that they never discussed their problems with their spouse and just decided that cheating was easier than a conversation. It is all a defensive mechanism. They deflect the blame to you, so do not let him do that. I have seen jilted spouses, right here on TAM, go to counselling to fix what is wrong with them so that their spouses will not have cause to cheat. It is classic deflection so don't fall for it. The other thing jilted spouses do is to direct their anger at the person their spouse was cheating with. The other person did not steal your spouse. Your spouse chose to cheat. The other person is not the cheater, your spouse is. 

You are not responsible for what your husband does. Cheating is not the solution to any marital problem, discussion is. For us, after discussion we opened up our marriage a little by playing with others as a couple. I have placed a link below. It discusses when it is possible to recover from cheating. Here is one quote, but read it all anyway.

"It’s easy to blame a partner and outside temptations for infidelity ― “he wasn’t giving me enough attention at home so I was vulnerable to having an affair” or “I didn’t plan to get into an emotional affair with my co-worker; it just happened.”

"Until a cheater has taken full ownership of their behavior, without blaming others, the behavior isn’t likely to stop, said Sheri Meyers, a marriage and family therapist and the author of Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love and Affair-Proof Your Relationship".

“If they blame their partner or lack insight into their actions, chances are, they’ll do it again,” she said.
Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater? Marriage Therapists Weigh In | HuffPost


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

Are you sure he's had this STD your entire marriage? Is it possible he picked it up in one of these hotels when was hanging with these so called "boys"? I'm sorry you're here.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Moving-on said:


> I am making the decision to leave the marriage for 2 reasons 1. He is a liar 2. He treated me cold and condescending. I probably could have dealt with 1 issue but not both. Life's too short to keep yourself attached to toxic people.
> 
> After all that typing...here's my question. As I'm still trying to sort through my feelings, he will randomly act like it's my fault that this is happening. Is that normal? Does he really think it's me? He got upset with me last night because I said "I told you..." (he's very forgetful). Started saying he's not a 5 year old. Said he's been dealing with me speaking that way for a long time. I found myself apologizing then stopped...Dude I'm dealing with some real issues regarding who I THOUGHT you were and you want to pick on something like me saying "I told you?!!?"


Good for you! The fact he is blaming you is VERY typical, and also a hug red flag. It's a sign that you need to move on, because these people very very rarely 'see the light' and take responsibility, and therefore they become repeat offenders.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

What does this STD situation portend for you?

Which STD is it? Have you been tested for this?

Who are the boys? Is he gay or is he joining them for boys night out's?

Yes, @Moving-on....are you moving on?

I would, lickety-split!

Oh, that is an inappropriate term.


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## Moving-on (May 12, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> What does this STD situation portend for you?
> 
> Which STD is it? Have you been tested for this?
> 
> ...


"The boys" are a group of younger single guys he met at work and it was for a boys night out. The funny thing is, I never cared about him going out...so why start lying. He claims he never cheated, just needed to get away from time to time.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

So, he treats you horribly, and he's been lying to you about having this STD your entire marriage? This man is a crappy partner. I would recommend formulating your escape plan.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

People who cheat have little moral character. They manipulate everything and turn it around so they are victims and your wrong. It's all about them and they are typically very selfish. They know they are doing something wrong so they manipulate the situation so that they believe that they aren't wrong, that their behavior was understandable or warranted. They mind control the whole situation until they actually believe their lies and no longer feel guilty about their bad behavior and can actually feel anger and resentment toward you, because after all your the reason why he had to blah blah blah. It's a complete mind twist psycho thing. 

Know this, they are wrong. They are sick.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Of coarse it's typical for them to blame shift. Why would they want to admit they deceive or manipulate, or essentially suck at being a partner? 

Sometimes they go into so deep they even believe their own bull ****! As katiecrna mentioned in her post above "it's a complete mind twist psycho thing". But it's not just our minds they twist, it's their own thinking they twist around.


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## Moving-on (May 12, 2017)

Sometimes he appears remorseful...other times, he wants to treat me like I've somehow wronged him. He says rude comments and when I respond in kind, he pretends like he didn't say anything wrong. I've cried and pleaded for an answer to why he did what he did and all he can say is "I don't know why...I was a fool." He never made any REAL attempt to fix any of the issues, just bought some presents and apologized. No counseling or anything. Made a bunch of promises about things he was willing to do to regain my trust but never followed through with any of it. Began trying to act like nothing had changed and wanted things to go back to "business as usual." That was the nail in the coffin for me. Anyway, I'm so glad I found this site...it's very therapeutic, esp. since it seems like he's accepted that it's over a little quicker than me.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

You sound like a nice kind women who deserves much better. And I think that you know you deserve better too. I think that you need to work on yourself because It sounds like there might be some self esteem issues. 
I hope you leave him asap and start to get on with your life. He is toxic and is going to bring you down your entire life if you continue to let him. 
He will never say what you need him to say by the way. You need to understand this and stop expecting it. You will need to shut the door completely to live a happy healthy life.


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## Moving-on (May 12, 2017)

Thanks...working on just that "shutting the door." Feeling are hard to turn off, but it's very helpful when he acts an a**:smile2:
I'm trying to keep or conversations cordial but short and to the point. Keeping it about the kids and the selling of our house. My children and I are moving out in 2 weeks. It will be nice to have a sanctuary to think.


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