# sexless marriage in my 20's - HELP



## zzzmelzzz (Mar 14, 2012)

I have recently been reading posts from other wives experiencing the same thing and figured it is about time I share my story……

I will start from when I first noticed a problem, I hope to get good honest advise…even if it’s not something I want to hear!

Let me start by saying I met my common-law husband 11 years ago, when I was 18 years old and he was 23 years old. (We are 5 years apart) We dated for 5 years before purchasing a home together. 



If someone had told me 10 years ago that at the ripe age of 29 years old, I would be in a sexless relationship; I would have told the person they were crazy! - Husbands want sex ALL the time……….. Don’t they???

I guess I was crazy to think everything would stay the same after we moved in together and had our son. I cannot pin point what happen and what I possibly did to contribute to this sexless union! But I am sure that we are both equally to blame. I noticed a drop in our sex-life in March 2007, approximately 1 year after moving in together. It started from 4-5 times a week to once a week. It was not a gradual decrease, but instead pretty sudden. I noticed my hubby was spending a lot more time on the computer. He would mostly go on the net while I was still at work; essentially only when he was home alone. As I would walk in the door from work he would be shutting down the computer. This behavior carried on for a few weeks, I decided to play ‘private investigator” and check the history on the computer. I was shocked to find all kinds of pornography! I decided to leave it alone for the moment I did not want to bring up the issue and embarrass him. It quickly turned into what seemed to be an addition. He would watch porn daily; He would even wake up at 6AM on the weekend to go watch porn. (This used to be when we would have sex, Saturday/Sunday Morning) Why would he make such an effort to wake up early and sneak down to the basement to watch porn at 6am, when I was in bed willing and able? 



After about 2 months of porn surfing, I guess he got bored with it and decided to up the ante. He starting going on social network sites and re-connecting with his ex-girlfriends. He would tell them how beautiful they were and even ask for their numbers to make plans to “meet up for a coffee”. I also found profiles on dating websites like Match.com® | The Leading Online Dating Site for Singles & Personals where he was looking to meet women for “fun”. I remember reading his profile quote “I love you long time” and feeling so sick to my stomach! I knew this was his profile, how many men live in our town with the same name and postal code!! 

All the while I just sat back, waiting and watching in devastation.



It then started to get worse, I would come home from work and he wasn’t home. I would call his cell and he would not answer! He would then show up at home later on. But by this time I had already gone on the computer and read that he had made plans to meet up with his Ex. If it was JUST a COFFEE, why hide it from me? Why tell me that you met up with your male friends. ……You only lie if you have something to hide……Am I right?



I started checking his cell phone records and matching the bill with the numbers multiple ex-girlfriends had given him to “make plans”. He was calling them while I was at work!! At that point I feel he was “attempting to cheat”.



Let me also mention that through the years my sexual desires for him have not diminished! In fact I think they may have increased because I wasn’t getting ANY intimacy.

Along with sex decreasing, he also stopped holding my hand, kissing, hugging and even communicating with me.



On one Friday night he had made plans to meet up with an EX –girlfriend. Because I had been reading his messages, I was aware of his plans. I actually made something up that night to prevent him from going, he was so mad!!!

Later that EX, sent him a nasty message because he stood her up!



When I finally worked up the courage to ask him in June 2007, he denied everything! I had to confess that I had been tracking him on the computer and phone records. He quickly turned it around on me and put all the blame on me for snooping around!



He seemed to feel bad for hurting me and I had thought that from that point things would get better. Things did improve; he got better at hiding it!!!!!!!

This battle went on for months and months and months, and my self esteem and self worth diminished!

This carried on from 2007 all the way to January 2009 – I was pregnant with our son from April 2008 – Feb 2009. 



We had a big blow out in Jan 2009(the night before my baby shower) he left and met up with a girl. I knew again because I was still checking his emails. I called him and yelled at him on the phone, and he hang up on me. I found MSN conversations that night, where he told this woman that he was not excited to have a baby and that he thought of leaving me all the time! I was devastated sitting in front of this computer reading these horrible things. Why would he tell HER and NOT TELL ME. There was nothing she could do about his problems, why not talk to me – The ONE person that could try to make changes. He didn’t even give me a chance!



So, here I was 8 months pregnant and about to have a baby with a complete dough bag that should have been home with his pregnant WIFE!!!! – Now my mind shifted from him trying to cheat on me to him betraying our Family! 



That night I decided to write him a letter, because he would NEVER listen when I would try to talk to him. The letter was about 10 pages long. I poured my heart out, hoping it would make him realize what he was doing and how much he was hurting me. After writing the letter I left the house, so that I would not be there when he got home from his rendezvous. I have no idea what time he got home night, but I came back at around 2:00am. I found the letter shredded in the garbage can. 

We never talked about it after that….



I had a baby boy on Feb of 2009 – Either I got distracted with the baby and no longer noticed or he really stopped in his tracks. Either way things seemed to improve. (Excluding the sex) The sex actually got even worse.



Today, we have sex approximately every 4-6 weeks! – Which at my age is a sexless marriage in my eyes….. We are having sex 8-12 times A YEAR! And the sex lasts a few minutes!! I am sorry but 15-20 minutes of sex per year is just NOT cutting it.



My son just recently turned 3 years old.



I do everything for my family, I consider myself to be a good wife and mother. I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, I make his lunch every day for work, food shopping etc.

In the 11 years we have been together I have not changed much in appearance either. And I desire sex and am willing to try anything!



The reason I am writing this entry is because the PORN has started again! And if the porn watching has started again, then what else will he start doing when he gets bored of the porn ….???

I cannot sit back and watch this happen again! I don’t think I will be able to bounce back a second time, besides now we have a child in the mix.



I want nothing more than for this relationship to work, I am willing to do anything in my power to safe my family and keep it together, however I refuse to be sloppy seconds to porn and other women.



Let me also add, in the past I have suggest counseling and he told me that I should go alone because I am the problem, not him.


Please help me!!!!


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Honey, I don't see any hope here. I would be long gone (years ago) had I been in a situation like this. This is no marriage... it's a slap in the face, and beneath your dignity. The 'sexless' nature of the marriage is the least of your concerns (and probably a good thing, as it reduces the chance of you getting STDs from this cheater). I admire you wanting to keep your commitments, as it is noble of you. But instead you are simply wasting your life with someone who has no respect or care for you. My advice... move on. With the kind of husband you have (a porn addict, who repeatedly cheats on you even after you confronting him, and cares nothing for your feelings and has no desire to work on the marriage), it would be hard for you to find someone much worse. You are young and still have your life in front of you to find someone who appreciates you, loves you, and is committed to you. Furthermore, your kids deserve better as well. You created a baby with this man even after knowing of his affairs and knowing he didn't care to work on the marriage. It's time to find a man who can love you and be a good role model to your kids. I'm sad for your situation, but wish you all the best.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

I would also recommend you working with a counselor to help bring up your self-esteem, as it will help you realize that you have been settling for such scraps from him, and such poor treatment. I think once your self-esteem is higher, you will no longer tolerate this from him and will have the courage to get out of there.

Normally I would encourage people to respect their marital commitments and do all they can to avoid divorce as an easy way out, but in your case there isn't anything you can do if he has no respect for you or your feelings or being faithful to you. You can only save yourself and your kids at this point by having the courage to leave. He has already checked out of this marriage a long time ago.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

zmel,

I agree that the chance of recovering a marriage here is zero to none.

You might want to collect more info on what he is doing as it might help you in a divorce depending on where you life. A keystrock tracker on the computer would work well for that.

IMHO, it's time that you plan your exit. Do not do anything rash. Collect evidence on his activies. Go see an attorney to file. 

If you have a job, move your direct deposit to your own account.

If the two of you have a joint checking/savings account go open one in your name and start trickling money into it. On the day he is going to be served for divorce move 1/2 to 3/4 of the money into your personal account. I say to as high as 3/4 because you have a child to care for.

Ask your husband to leave the house. If he does not, ask your attorney to get court order for him to be ejected from the house because the extreme cruelty and exposure to STD's with his constant cheating... this is why you need the evidence even if it's a no fault divorce state.

Have your attorney set up child and spousal support ASAP. The support will be interim support until the divorce is final. A new level of support will be ordered for after the divorce.

You will also need proof that your indeed in a common-law marriage. An attorney can help you with this.


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