# How to stop showing affection to your husband



## AaliyahRT (Mar 19, 2016)

I don't know how to start this. My husband is turned off and wanted to be left alone. And I can't stop the need of hugging and kissing him.

We having our ups and downs for about year. We are now in counseling for 5 months but things don't get better (it was better about a month then now is worse).

Now I feel pathetic for myself, I begged and screamed for affections. I feel rejected, unwanted. And I don't know how to live with these feeling. He said he needs to be left alone to restart himself and he needs like months. I can't never do it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been married? Do you have any children with your husband?

Does he say why he is turned off to anything physical with you? What does he say is the problem?

He has made himself the controller of your relationship, it gives him a lot of power.


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## AaliyahRT (Mar 19, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> How long have you been married? Do you have any children with your husband?
> 
> Does he say why he is turned off to anything physical with you? What does he say is the problem?
> 
> He has made himself the controller of your relationship, it gives him a lot of power.


1 year and a half. We don't have kid together. 

He's turned off because we had a lot of arguments in the past and nothing haven't been better in his opinion. 

He said he needs to be left alone. No affection unless he initiate first. He said he needs to see consistence because he doesn't want to be so loving to each other then we fight again. He doesn't want to invest any more feeling. But for me to rebuild relationship it's impossible if no affection there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since I don't know what all your fights have been about, who initiates them and how each of you behave, it's hard to know what to say about the way he feels.

How long did the two of you date before you married? What was that like? Did the two of you get along well?

What was the sex and affection like when you first married? Was there a time when things were good? If so what changed it?

What is it that the two of you fight about? Who starts the fights? Do you both yell at each other and say bad/hurtful things? Or does only one of you do that?

Do either of you hit each other, get physical, throw things, etc?

Is he controlling?


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Since I don't know what all your fights have been about, who initiates them and how each of you behave, it's hard to know what to say about the way he feels.


If they've got to that point after such a short time does it matter. sounds like a very long bumpy road ahead for the whole relationship....


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

Not sure what the arguments are over... 

But I do know that the more needy clingy you appear or act, the more it pushes them away. 

I did this once to my husband... I was just feeling so rejected and became so clingy and needy of his attention. All it did was make him annoyed with me and didn't want me touching him. Finally he just said it one day and was like you realize this neediness for my attention is turning me off and making it worse. 

So I just kind of did the 180 on him a bit, focused on me and a few weeks later things went back to normal.

We go through these phases back and forth often. 

Just give him some time... But with how new it is and no kids I can't help but wonder if he just wants out? 
Have you asked him if he's done with the marriage? 
If not.... Back off a bit and give space and see if that helps.


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## AaliyahRT (Mar 19, 2016)

Imovedforthis said:


> Not sure what the arguments are over...
> 
> But I do know that the more needy clingy you appear or act, the more it pushes them away.
> 
> ...


I don't know what to to think. He said many heartbreak things but he never ask for a divorce and he also willing to go to the counseling with me. We are now in counseling about 4 months. I just want to stop showing affection because it maybe better for him as he ask for and also I won't feel rejected.


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## AaliyahRT (Mar 19, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Since I don't know what all your fights have been about, who initiates them and how each of you behave, it's hard to know what to say about the way he feels.
> 
> How long did the two of you date before you married? What was that like? Did the two of you get along well?
> 
> ...


It was started from my hight expectation which base on his words, his promises, kind of person he is.

We don't really date. We date not so long then 1 years and half apart. We were living in different country. Then we decided to get married and I moved across the country, left everything in my own country. So I do really expecte a lot.

I started talk to him about things he didn't do for me as he promises or he said he will. My husband didn't take it too well so it become an arguments then fights. 

By the time I realize I should be more understanding and let things go sometimes because he work 7 days. It was too late.

We both did said bad and hurtful things but we never do anything like psysical violence

We get along very well when we dating and sex was great too.

We are now doing counselling for about 4 months now. I tried to give him space as he needs but I never success doing that. It likes I can do it for 4 days then I started want to hug him again lol. And I also have a sexual need.

I just want to know how to stop feeling those need or how to control to show it out to him.

People said I should like flirting with other guys but I don't think that's a good idea.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Take it from someone that went through this for 8 long years.... get out now. This isn't a healthy relationship and if you have to work this hard at it, it isn't worth it. Just be thankful you didn't waste decades and bring kids into the mix.


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## AaliyahRT (Mar 19, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Take it from someone that went through this for 8 long years.... get out now. This isn't a healthy relationship and if you have to work this hard at it, it isn't worth it. Just be thankful you didn't waste decades and bring kids into the mix.


Lol I still have some hopes and I want to do my best before I decide to get a divorce because I don't want to be regret later. 

If you can share that 8 years experience will be appreciate.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Google hysterical bonding.

I did the same thing when my wife wanted a divorce. I had no idea for twoontha that she was cheating. I craved her touch and sex and attn.
The less she gave, the more I wanted.

I don't know how to fix it, but maybe a trip to the doc and some Zoloft might help. 
Seriously consider divorce. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't love you. If he did like he should, you wouldn't be here.
Please, don't get pregnant until things have been great for a couple of years, or never with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AaliyahRT (Mar 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Google hysterical bonding.
> 
> I did the same thing when my wife wanted a divorce. I had no idea for twoontha that she was cheating. I craved her touch and sex and attn.
> The less she gave, the more I wanted.
> ...


You did the same thing what? What you did? 

I don't think my husband is cheating. I checked his phone from time to time without him knowing (he knows I don't have his password). He came home same time everyday. No strange call or text or any other signs.

About he loves me or doesn't love me is still a doubt. He acts like he doesn't love me many ways but he also acts like he loves me too such as he still taking care of me and also he's working on doing counseling with me.

What's a Zoloft?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I don't mean to imply that he's cheating. Zoloft is an anti-anxiety medication.

I doubt you live in America so my advice is likely useless.

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AaliyahRT (Mar 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I don't mean to imply that he's cheating. Zoloft is an anti-anxiety medication.
> 
> I doubt you live in America so my advice is likely useless.
> 
> ...


What has to do with I live in America? Thank you for advice tho.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband works 7 days a week. How many hours a day does he work? why does he work that many hours? Is it normal where you live for people to never have days off of work? Here were I live, move people get 2 days a week off of work... people who never get days off of work tend to fall apart mentally, emotionally and physically. What kind of work does he do?

How much time do the two of you spend together, just the two of you doing things that you BOTH enjoy? 

Do you two live by yourself or do you live with his family?

What are the things that he promised that he would do that he is not doing? I'm talking about the things that you complained about.

From what you have written, your husband does not really care about you. He needed a wife. (does your society push people into marriage?) Now he has a wife and he expects your marriage to be his way or he will punish you. That's what he's doing right now.. he's punishing you because you want more out of the relationship and out of him.


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## AaliyahRT (Mar 19, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Your husband works 7 days a week. How many hours a day does he work? why does he work that many hours? Is it normal where you live for people to never have days off of work? Here were I live, move people get 2 days a week off of work... people who never get days off of work tend to fall apart mentally, emotionally and physically. What kind of work does he do?
> 
> How much time do the two of you spend together, just the two of you doing things that you BOTH enjoy?
> 
> ...


He usually has weekend off but his son is growing up + child support + he wants to live more comfortable life + pay off his debts + I moved across country. So he took 2nd job on weekend. He didn't work long hours tho. 8h on weekdays and 5h on weekend.

We don't really have time to spend together that much and that what I have a problem with.

We live by ourselves.

He promised to help me learn how to drive (in the country I came from car doesn't matter because transportation is real good and convenient) I've been wait for like 6 months before I decided to talk to him about. He said he will but it never happened, I ask again from time to time, from ask nicely to bad then fight over it. I decided to take the driving lessons from driving school just right after he gave me reason that he doesn't want to teach me how to drive and his reason was "we fight too much and it makes me feel like don't want to do anything with you" my whole purpose of needing this because so that I can take a better job that more than 15 min far from home, so I can help him pay bills and he doesn't need to work 7 days. I told him million times. 

I asked him before we get married if he need personal space, personal life, do things alone and hangout with friends. His answer was no I don't have my personal life and mylife is you.

All things about showing love and affections daily because we want to feel in love the same way and stronger even after 10 years.

Many agreements we made. He doesn't do them or he doesn't do it 100%. His problem is never admit almost any fault or mistake. When I talk to him my intention is to find solution but he always think I attack him and I don't appreciate what he does. So he feels like he can't never make me happy.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

get out before you waste any more time.


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