# the oft made complaint of lack of satisfying sex



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MANY people complain about dissatisfaction with sex. Oft times we just assume it is differing drives and deal. DRAG. 

I think drive is very often blamed when other things are going on. Or at least this one data point was like that. I think there are so many other things that can be going on; religious and societal indoctrination, resentment regarding other things, not making deposits in the love bank, sexual abuse in the past...

I want to recommend a book 

Passionate Marriage | PassionateMarriage

This book helped me a lot. 

S


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

That's a great book vthomeschoolmom! I just offered an absolutely free ebook that is revolutionary and haven't heard from anyone that might want it. Perhaps people would just rather complain about it?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

HappyHer said:


> That's a great book vthomeschoolmom! I just offered an absolutely free ebook that is revolutionary and haven't heard from anyone that might want it. Perhaps people would just rather complain about it?


I think there is some of that. I remember the first time I went to usenet group about my marriage. I wanted them to tell me how to get HIM to change. It took a LOOOOONG time for me to GET it that the only person I had control over was me. All I could do is learn and work and hope my behavior changes had the desired effect on him... And if it didn't, I guess I had my answer. 

Luckily I got the answer I was looking for!


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Unfortunately most people are looking at the other person without having the willingness to look at themselves. I applaud you for realizing - when you change - they HAVE to change, sometimes for the worst before it gets better. I think that's why some people get stuck.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

I love this thread. I think by nature we look for causes for the "effects" we're seeing, and I think by nature we look outside of ourselves. So if my sex life sucks, it must be his fault - he's not doing X, Y, or Z, and if I can change him, then everything will be great. Meanwhile, he's over there wondering when his wife is going to stop harping on him about X, Y, and Z - after all, she knew him when she married him, right? And therein is the source of an impasse, and the first thing to go down the tubes at that impasse is sex, because who wants to get down with the person who is causing all these problems?

I might be the luckiest person on the entire planet, because H and I have worked out some pretty good routines. We went through a period of really bad sexual connection - in fact, just no sexual connection at all. I thought he had completely lost his desire for me and because I knew he was masturbating nearly every day, I was devastated, and I was convinced that he was this horrible A-hole who preferred his own company to his willing, freaky, "I'll try anything you want to try" wife. I harangued him about it.

Nothing changed until I asked myself, "who am I being? What if I am the reason he won't come to me?" From that tiny seed, we started a conversation about our marriage, and eventually what I discovered was that I had married a man who was frightened of and sort of disgusted by his own fantasies, inclinations, and desires. I, on the other hand, found them to be interesting, entertaining, and sort of thrilling. 

The real problem was that I had never made it safe for him to be truly intimate with me, and the more I harangued him about "why do you prefer masturbation to sex with your wife," the worse I made it. Of course, he saw that he had never trusted anyone with real intimacy, so there was a duet here, if you will. Today, we have a lot of fun exploring together.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Mal74 said:


> I love this thread. I think by nature we look for causes for the "effects" we're seeing, and I think by nature we look outside of ourselves. So if my sex life sucks, it must be his fault - he's not doing X, Y, or Z, and if I can change him, then everything will be great. Meanwhile, he's over there wondering when his wife is going to stop harping on him about X, Y, and Z - after all, she knew him when she married him, right? And therein is the source of an impasse, and the first thing to go down the tubes at that impasse is sex, because who wants to get down with the person who is causing all these problems?


LOL! Damned straight.



> I might be the luckiest person on the entire planet, because H and I have worked out some pretty good routines. We went through a period of really bad sexual connection - in fact, just no sexual connection at all. I thought he had completely lost his desire for me and because I knew he was masturbating nearly every day, I was devastated, and I was convinced that he was this horrible A-hole who preferred his own company to his willing, freaky, "I'll try anything you want to try" wife. I harangued him about it.
> 
> Nothing changed until I asked myself, "who am I being? What if I am the reason he won't come to me?" From that tiny seed, we started a conversation about our marriage, and eventually what I discovered was that I had married a man who was frightened of and sort of disgusted by his own fantasies, inclinations, and desires. I, on the other hand, found them to be interesting, entertaining, and sort of thrilling.
> 
> The real problem was that I had never made it safe for him to be truly intimate with me, and the more I harangued him about "why do you prefer masturbation to sex with your wife," the worse I made it. Of course, he saw that he had never trusted anyone with real intimacy, so there was a duet here, if you will. Today, we have a lot of fun exploring together.


I made things worse in our practical life, killing the possibilities of our sexual life. No doubt he had fault as well. As soon as we lost the whole who is at fault, who is to blame mentality and started each doing what we could, things began to change for the better.


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