# Wife had an emotional affair on Facebook



## MountainofEmotions (Mar 22, 2011)

Two week ago, while uploading some software to my wife's phone, with her permission, I came across an email for a man whom I didn't know. I was trying to find a access email for the software, not snooping. I read the email and among other titilating conversations, she had written "you would sleep better next to me". My mind went blank, and I confronted her. In an effort to remain civil, she, while putting the kids to bed, deleted that and one other email. I continued to confront her and seek details about this person. After several hours and excuses, the truth came out. She had made contact with this person through Facebook. She dated him in high school for a short time and that was it. This all started rather harmessly, but intensified over the last 9 months. I demaded that she forward me all emails on her work computer that involved this affair. She did. However the two original emails are missing or deleted. Upon review of said emails, I learned that the affair was increasing in emotion and perhaps intent. She stated that she "thinks of him all the time" even one email stated that " trying to contact you while my husband is in the restroom". We were out having a few drinks. He lived out of town, so much of the conversations were when he was going to be close and how she wanted to meet him. We have been married nearly 17 years, two great kids and all you can ask.
For longer than I care to mention, I have been seeking greater passion & desire from her. I have talked to her over the years about this with little effort, or long term changes. This usually ends up in an argument, hurt feelings and resentment. 
She explained to me that this affair was because she wanted to talk to someone who did fight with her all the time. She said it was exciting and unfinished business. However, now she is very sorry and realizes that this may be the end of our marrige. She is willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. I explained the arguments were a result of her choosing not to change with the our maturing marriage. The things she seeked from someone else, was the exact same as I was trying to develop in our relationship. 
Now, I am hurt to my core. I am questioning the very basis of our relationship. I am looking at the past 17 years and wondering. I love my children, and I love my wife. All I am is for them. This shakes the very foundation of my being. I cannot seem to get any of this out of my head. 
How do I move on? What is the first step? or Second Step.
I just am so confused as to what to do next.
Any thoughts.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

If you both want to save your marriage, I would suggest seeking some marriage counseling. Its not going to be easy, nor will it happen overnight. There are also some books out there on how to recover from an affair. I'm not sure of the names, but I'm sure there are others on here that can recommend some books.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MountainofEmotions said:


> She said it was exciting and unfinished business. However, now she is very sorry and realizes that this may be the end of our marrige. She is willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage.


This is awesome. I know it hurts and you are feeling insecure and questioning the entire relationshp but what you wrote above is the silver lining. That means she is still willing to work it out with you.

First, she must end ALL CONTACT WITH OM. EVERYTHING must go. She must delete his #, block his email, and delete him off her FB. Tell her if she doesn't, then it's not going to work out between you two. You have to mean it. 

Find out if the guy is married or partnered. If so, tell his partner immediately. This will throw a hex on the affair and exposing it makes it "not so fun" anymore when the reality hits and the consequences come out. 

Make a plan for your marriage recovery--marriage counselling? individual counselling? relationship seminar? date nights? talk and be totally honest with eachother. You have a riht to be upset and a right to total transparency. 

As long as he is in the picture, you cannot save your marriage. Thatis why she must end all contact today.


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## justbe (Mar 19, 2011)

do you have any thought about divorcing her ... ? just want to know


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## MountainofEmotions (Mar 22, 2011)

Yes....of course. I am trying to figure out if I can make this work. I love her very much. I admire her, professional and personally. She is a great Mom. I am very confused, consumed by the events. It is just awful!!!!! Not sure how I can rebound!


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## justbe (Mar 19, 2011)

MountainofEmotions said:


> Yes....of course. I am trying to figure out if I can make this work. I love her very much. I admire her, professional and personally. She is a great Mom. I am very confused, consumed by the events. It is just awful!!!!! Not sure how I can rebound!


my suggestion is not to divorce if you still love her ... just try to make this work .. and if you find the deadlock, i think this is the time that you have to think about divorce.


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## MountainofEmotions (Mar 22, 2011)

I am not leaning towards divorce. But at times I can't see around it. 
I am still fantastically attacted to her, physically, intellectually, mentally, emotionally (guarded), that I ever have been. I am passionate and very desirous of her. She finds it difficult to show me the same emotions. I have explained this issue tell I am blue in the face, with little long term response or resolution,if any. She says she will do whatever it takes to make this work.
I am still questioning the motivation now, as to what has change from two weeks ago. I don't know.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't try to "mind-read" her. If she is on board, great. But the contact with OM must end. Now the ball is in your court.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Marriage counseling is a way to start!


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## MountainofEmotions (Mar 22, 2011)

The contact with the OM has ceased. I was cc'd on the email ending the relationship. After serious thought, decided to contact and notify the OM's wife. I am mostly confident no further contact has been made these last two weeks. She has agreed to let me know if he attempts to contact her. I believe she will.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What did the OM's wife say? Good for you, btw!


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## MountainofEmotions (Mar 22, 2011)

Well I made contact via the only option I had......Facebook. She first said, "I don't kwow why you want to be my friend, keep your wife out of my marriage!". I replied, "With all due respect....I am not sure of what was told to you....I just thought you should beware of these disgusting events. From what I read, blame falls squarely on each of their shoulders. You & I are victims. I am trying to pick up the pieces. My life is forever changed. Good luck. No additional response is required."
She then asked me to share any information I had. I relied that it wasn't my intent to smear anyone and that she should get the info. from her husband.
I later learned that she had intercepted an early email between the two, but the trist continued on for about 8 months.
Thoughts?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mountain, I would have shared what you know w/ her. She has a right to know. 

Did you find out what was in the email from 8 months ago? 

You did a good thing by telling her.


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## MountainofEmotions (Mar 22, 2011)

I struggle with contacting her and giving addtional information. I mean I am not sure how she will take me contacting her. I haven't pursued the content of that email. From the emails I have read, things started off just one old friend to another. It gained momentum, to sharing marital problems, talk of meeting over coffee or drinks, "give me some notice and I'll work something out" for a meeting, to "thinking about you" to favorite sex positions with his wife, to sleeping next to each other.
I am amazed that this is where my marriage is. How did I get here, and where do I (we) go? I never thought she was this type of person. Thank God I uncovered it when I did. The progression is unmistakable to the final outcome. But that would have made this problem easier to solve.


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## MountainofEmotions (Mar 22, 2011)

I also have kept the emails forwarded to me from my wife. Should I keep them or delete them? My wife feels they are a source of heartache. I agree, however, it allows me the opportunity to digest all that transpired on my time. I most likely will delete them, at some point, or is there exsistance keeping me from moving forward. Which ever way that is?Thoughts?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'd save them to a folder. 

As far as OM W, that is your choice whether to share info w/ her or not. I probably would if I were you though. That way she has all info on what's going on in her M. Also, that exposes the affair.

What is your gameplan for the marriage?


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## jj jones (Mar 17, 2011)

I really hate Facebook. I wonder how many lives have been shattered because of that dumbass website.


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## MountainofEmotions (Mar 22, 2011)

Game Plan? I guess that is the biggest question I have. Well one of two. The other being, Why?. I don't really know how to proceed. Its not as if I have been in this situation before. So much to think about, resolve, question, answer. It is truly the most overwhelming situation I have ever been in. I just don't have a clue.


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## Chrono (Mar 23, 2011)

Wow dude, this sounds eerily similar to my story of my wife of 17 years emotional affair on FaceBook and via sexting. I only learned of it last week and I'm still reeling.

If your wife has cut all contact and is willing to work things out you can start to just reconnect with her. Find out why she did what she did. Find out what she got from him that she wasn't getting from you. Tell her how you feel about her affair. Tell her you want to work this out. Ask for complete transparency; access to her email, Facebook, cell phone, etc on demand. You can give her the same access to yours if needed. Open communication is the key.

Personally, I've done all of this and I'm still working on just coping hour by hour. When she is out of the house my world comes crashing down. When she is in the house I'm paranoid that she is secretly doing something with him or someone else. Talk to someone if you can't talk to her about how you feel.


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

My friend put the pages and pages of text and pics on a external hard drive (flash) and told the wife do not worry about it again. Then he put it in a outlet in the garage and put back the cover on it. So nobody will find it, unless you are a electrician, with a flash light. Also he put electrical tape on it like a wire nut so you will not see it.

:smthumbup:


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Keep those emails!

you may need them as evidence one day in court!


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## MountainofEmotions (Mar 22, 2011)

Its now been 3 weeks and 3 days. What a ride!!!!! I won't bore anyone with the details. We are working on it. Hardest thing I have ever done. Not sure how to fit it all in everyday and still take care of our health to take care of the family. 

I am looking for some advice. I am thinking about purchasing a pre paid phone and texting my wife, as if I am the OM. Asking to continue the "affair". I want to see what my wife does. Is this fair, right, etc.? Thoughts?


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## Chrono (Mar 23, 2011)

Don't do it. Just yesterday I caught my wife viewing the OM's business profile page on FB. I confronted her and all the work we've done in the last two weeks GOT WIPED OUT. I'm starting over AGAIN.

At some point, you're just going to have to show her that you trust her. Don't play the same games that she may be playing with you. Just let her screw up the same way in the past. If she does, kick her to the curb.

Maintain your ground. I'm not going to stop spying but if I find something I'm not going to mention it right away. I'm just going to let it go. If it becomes a serious concern, the gloves come off.

As for if it's right, I'd say no.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't do it, Mountain.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

I might have joined this party a little too late so don't jump down my throat. By all means, send all of those e-mails you intercepted to the OM's wife. That is the only real way to ensure that there is another set of eyes and ears on the lookout. She might have said that she will look for anything but it will be a different kind of looking out if she got a hold of the stuff you have. His entire FB account might get deactivated after she gets done with him.

And by all means, keep copies of the stuff they sent to one another. You might need that one day when she lies in court about never being involved in an extra-marital affair...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

MountainofEmotions said:


> I am looking for some advice. I am thinking about purchasing a pre paid phone and texting my wife, as if I am the OM. Asking to continue the "affair". I want to see what my wife does. Is this fair, right, etc.? Thoughts?


Absolutely a lose, lose. Don't do it. Work on the relationship, not playing games.


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## MountainofEmotions (Mar 22, 2011)

The gloves are already off. Why should I invest all the energy, motion and time into repairing this if she is going to do it again. I think type of "sting" goes along way toward developing trust. I would rather know now, than later. Just sayin'.
I does seem sneaky, however, I feel justified, because of what she did. Sorry or not, it still happened. And I am the one who is paying.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, it did still happen. You can't change the past. It's done. But pretending to be OM is not the answer.


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## MountainofEmotions (Mar 22, 2011)

How do I know it won't happen again. What is the answer?


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## Chrono (Mar 23, 2011)

MountainofEmotions said:


> How do I know it won't happen again. What is the answer?


I think stalking her via her FB, email, phone records is bad enough. And I'm doing that RIGHT NOW. I'm knee deep in phone records today. Really f-ing sucks cause I found TWO other phone numbers she used to make contact with him. She called his work... seriously, it was bad enough she WENT to his work all the time. And apparently at some point he got a new cell phone cause I found his old one. Sigh.

Anyway, my point is, it you track her correctly you'll know when she screws up again. Don't trick into screwing up by baiting her. She is going to be thinking of the other guy for awhile, that is just a fact. But through love from you, hopefully she'll forget him and move on with you.

And if it does happen again, kick her out. That's what I'm gonna do.


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## MountainofEmotions (Mar 22, 2011)

Thanks you all for your support. An update to this situation. There are good days seperated by bad. Lately, I am just trying to figure out why her emotions seem to not be translating to the pain I feel. It is as if she is so focused to move on. Forget. I want her to feel the pain she has caused inside of me, and to our relationship. We are trying to repair, but WOW!!!! this is difficult.
I am looking for her to display a sense of remorse, to ask me what I am thinking about, to bring up the "affair" for discussion, instead of waiting for me to ask a question or make a comment.
It makes me feel like am in this all alone.

What to DO?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You're not going to get her to talk about it. She did it, admitted it to you, she ended it. Healing is now your problem, not hers.

That's what I'm going through anyway.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I'm assuming that she's genuinely remorseful. But you're asking her to discuss what is likely the worst thing she has ever done. Nobody likes doing that. Think about your most embarrassing moment. Now imagine if your wife not only wanted to discuss it frequently, but wanted you to initiate some of the discussions. You would likely want to pretend it didn't happen.

As long as your wife is willing to answer your questions and discuss what you want when you want, I wouldn't dwell on her bringing it up unprompted.

Also, check out the Men's Clubhouse and the sticky of the man up and niceguy reference. The links there can help you increase her attraction to you and hopefully stave off any future temptation for her.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

MountainofEmotions said:


> I also have kept the emails forwarded to me from my wife. Should I keep them or delete them? My wife feels they are a source of heartache. I agree, however, it allows me the opportunity to digest all that transpired on my time. I most likely will delete them, at some point, or is there exsistance keeping me from moving forward. Which ever way that is?Thoughts?


\


Keep them!!

I cannot stress enough that you keep them!!
You may need them.

In fact back them up securely somewhere.

You should also forward them to the OM`s wife as she has a right to know.
It will also further guarantee no contact from him with your wife in the future.
It may very well be what opens the door to his wife giving you what info she may have that you are unaware of.

You should not have closed the door on contact with his wife.
She is a powerful resource to you in this situation.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I agree with Tacoma. The OM's wife has a right to know and I would certainly make certain that happened.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

MrK said:


> You're not going to get her to talk about it. She did it, admitted it to you, she ended it. Healing is now your problem, not hers.
> 
> That's what I'm going through anyway.


I didnt get mine to talk about it either. instead, she wants a divorce to free herself of the guilt. i will certainly oblige. 
because i refuse to spend the rest of my life wondering... should i check those emails? should i check that cellphone bill? what are you doing, who are you texting..
fk-it. theres better out there for me.


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## jsmith (Nov 1, 2009)

You need to take time out and ask yourself Do I Want This WOMAN?
She is a different person not the wife you used to know.
Do you want to share the rest of your life with this new person?
Are you going to be able to trust her again?

You might be able to forgave her but trust me you will never forget what she did.

You are responsible for your half of the marriage, no one is perfect, but this EA is not your fault and she did cross the line can you live with it?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I am trying to recover from an EA. 99% confident it didn't turn into PA - I caught it in time. 

But all the same, I am going through some of these same emotions. It is unbelievably difficult. I can't focus at work, I am mad we got to this point. But like you, we want to work on it. It won't be easy. 

I believe trust is at the core. If you are able to get the trust back, that would be huge. Easier said than done. 

I look at it this way. I want to trust my wife again. I really do. And what is there to lose? Well, she could burn you again, right? And if she does, that's when you end it. Immediately.

Check out my thread posted today (Wife had an EA only...)


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## MountainofEmotions (Mar 22, 2011)

Need your Input- It has been a year since DDAY, and I have learned that the OM is in the process of divorcing his wife. I am not sure if my wife is aware of this situation.
This is an issue! Now he has nothing to prevent him from further contact with my wife, except for my wife. 
Brings me to my question, do I tell her? Should I nip this in the bud, or am I over reacting, before anything has happened.
Never seem to end!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

MountainofEmotions said:


> Need your Input- It has been a year since DDAY, and I have learned that the OM is in the process of divorcing his wife. I am not sure if my wife is aware of this situation.
> This is an issue! Now he has nothing to prevent him from further contact with my wife, except for my wife.
> Brings me to my question, do I tell her? Should I nip this in the bud, or am I over reacting, before anything has happened.
> Never seem to end!


I would say that it depends on whether you're willing to divorce your wife over contact with the OM. And, how well your reconciliation is going.

If you are willing to divorce your wife over contact between them, then I think you could bring it up as something that you heard, warn her that he may try to contact her, and restate that she must not respond and must tell you of any of the OM's attempts to contact her, or you will divorce her.

If you're not willing to divorce her over that, then I think you could ignore it, but monitor your wife to verify that she isn't in contact with the OM. If she does contact him, you could try to block the OM from your end.

Good luck.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I would say you talk about it and reiterate that if he contacts, as long as she brings it to you asap and does not respond that all is good. However if you discover that he has contact her and she has not informed you regardless of whether or not she responded that you have a major problem that could be the end of the relationship. Bottom line if she hears so much as a sneeze from him she need to come running to you with it with her pants on fire. 

My story and timing are pretty similar to your wife's, just curious how's your reconciliation going?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You are still going after a year---so something must be working

Your wife never had the same pain level, you had, and I imagine wanted it swept under the rug

As to her lover coming after her---that is now a problem---1st thing you should do is get a POST--NUP in place----make sure you get an 80-20 split on everything, and put in a duress clause.

If your wife wants to stray she is gonna know it is gonna cost her.

You can't stop her from cheating if she is really determined----so all you can do is go with VAR----Car monitering devices, and bug your computer

I know it is hard to be a parole officer---but that is the price you pay


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

You should still have transparency and access to her cell phone, computer, Facebook, etc. If you see anything suspicious do not hesitate to investigate further. Tell her about your concerns. That is part of honesty in a marriage. Reinforce the NC boundary and let her know the consequences.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Do you know who is actually divorcing who? It probably doesn't make any difference but I'd be curious if she was kicking him out or if he was leaving.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Do you know who is actually divorcing who? It probably doesn't make any difference but I'd be curious if she was kicking him out or if he was leaving.


True, if he was having an affair with another woman I would let her know. I doubt she would enjoy knowing that she was just another in his harem.


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## gpa (Feb 22, 2012)

MountainofEmotions said:


> Need your Input- It has been a year since DDAY, and I have learned that the OM is in the process of divorcing his wife. I am not sure if my wife is aware of this situation.
> This is an issue! Now he has nothing to prevent him from further contact with my wife, except for my wife.
> Brings me to my question, do I tell her? Should I nip this in the bud, or am I over reacting, before anything has happened.
> Never seem to end!


Test her. Give her all the information y have and see her responses. Be calm and follow her attitude, movements and reactions the following days. It's a nice opportunity for y to find out if the whole R up to now has a meaning.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Before you approach your wife however, you should check all the stuff Beowulf mentioned above. I'm thinking if the OMW kicked the OM to the curb then he quite possibly may have already contacted your wife. Snoop and see if you can find any communication. If you do find an e-mail, play dumb and mention you heard about the OM' divorce and see if she lies about any knowledge of it. If she says she did get an email from him then you need to bust her for not telling you he contacted her. If she lies and says that she did not get a msg from him, then you can know that she was probably intending to get back in contact with him. Then D her lying butt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MountainofEmotions (Mar 22, 2011)

I am not sure who filed for divorce, I would only be guessing, but I think it's 50-50.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Before you approach your wife however, you should check all the stuff Beowulf mentioned above. I'm thinking if the OMW kicked the OM to the curb then he quite possibly may have already contacted your wife. Snoop and see if you can find any communication. If you do find an e-mail, play dumb and mention you heard about the OM' divorce and see if she lies about any knowledge of it. If she says she did get an email from him then you need to bust her for not telling you he contacted her. If she lies and says that she did not get a msg from him, then you can know that she was probably intending to get back in contact with him. Then D her lying butt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good point Bandit. She may have already been contacted. He should know that before he says anything. Hopefully continued contact with the OP's wife is not the reason the OM is getting a divorce. That would really suck.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Good point Bandit. She may have already been contacted. He should know that before he says anything. Hopefully continued contact with the OP's wife is not the reason the OM is getting a divorce. That would really suck.


I had this same thought to. Worth a little extra snooping before letting the cat out of the bag for sure.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

MountainofEmotions said:


> Need your Input- It has been a year since DDAY, and I have learned that the OM is in the process of divorcing his wife. I am not sure if my wife is aware of this situation.


I had to read thru your thread and I see nothing that tells me that you've been verifying that there's been no contact. You never installed any keyloggers or used andy VARs to see if she has a secret affair phone. The two main tools of cheating are secret email accounts and secret phones. You have only been checking her email account that you know of. She MAY have a secret one, but since you never installed any keylogger, you don't know.

This is what happens on D-Day, either they go NC and end the affair, or they find some way to take it underground. When you talk about your WWs ambivalent attitude and wanting to just sweep this under the rug, there's a good possibility that she just took it underground. You need to verify this.

So OM is divorcing his BW? Do you know why? Have you contacted her? For all you know, she may have discovered that his affair with your WW is still ongoing and she found more proof, but wont give you the information since you refused to provide her with any. You need to find out and apologize for not giving her the information the first time.



MountainofEmotions said:


> This is an issue! Now he has nothing to prevent him from further contact with my wife, except for my wife.


Now you're posting out of fear. So what if he contacts your WW? If she's truly remorseful and transparent, she will notify you that he tried to fishing for renewed contact with her. Think of this as a test of her remorse. Now is the time to see if she truly meant that she would do anything to save the marriage. Get the keylogger installed ASAP and buy a VAR, or a couple of VARs.



MountainofEmotions said:


> Brings me to my question, do I tell her?


No! Watch and wait. If she tells YOU anything about it, that means she's broken NC and has been watching him.



MountainofEmotions said:


> Should I nip this in the bud, or am I over reacting, before anything has happened.
> Never seem to end!


The whole problem you've had has been confronting too early. You have supposedly been in R for the past year. Now is the time to see if you are in True R or False R.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Watch your wife for suspicious behavior of any kind. Watch your bank account activity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Its suspicous to me that OM is going thru a divorce right now. I would lay odds that the affair is underground.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Contact his wife. Confirm that your wife isn't involved.


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## MountainofEmotions (Mar 22, 2011)

I have been very diligent on verifing NC with all the usual methods mentioned on this site. Just thought I would save all of you from the details. Underground-hmmmm. This might require more invasive tactics.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

MountainofEmotions said:


> I have been very diligent on verifing NC with all the usual methods mentioned on this site. Just thought I would save all of you from the details.


Good.

If you have been verifying then watch and wait. You will learn if you've been in True R vs False R.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

A VAR in her car would probably be the only way to catch her. Next time she is in the shower grab her phone and see if you can get into her texts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

He shouldn't have to grab her phone if she was truly transparent. I know I don't have to. I pick hers up in front of her and check when I want to. She doesnt even bat an eye.


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## MountainofEmotions (Mar 22, 2011)

Great Point!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MountainofEmotions said:


> Two week ago, while uploading some software to my wife's phone, with her permission, I came across an email for a man whom I didn't know. I was trying to find a access email for the software, not snooping. I read the email and among other titilating conversations, she had written "you would sleep better next to me". My mind went blank, and I confronted her. In an effort to remain civil, she, while putting the kids to bed, deleted that and one other email. I continued to confront her and seek details about this person. After several hours and excuses, the truth came out. She had made contact with this person through Facebook. She dated him in high school for a short time and that was it. This all started rather harmessly, but intensified over the last 9 months. I demaded that she forward me all emails on her work computer that involved this affair. She did. However the two original emails are missing or deleted. Upon review of said emails, I learned that the affair was increasing in emotion and perhaps intent. She stated that she "thinks of him all the time" even one email stated that " trying to contact you while my husband is in the restroom". We were out having a few drinks. He lived out of town, so much of the conversations were when he was going to be close and how she wanted to meet him. We have been married nearly 17 years, two great kids and all you can ask.
> For longer than I care to mention, I have been seeking greater passion & desire from her. I have talked to her over the years about this with little effort, or long term changes. This usually ends up in an argument, hurt feelings and resentment.
> She explained to me that this affair was because she wanted to talk to someone who did fight with her all the time. She said it was exciting and unfinished business. However, now she is very sorry and realizes that this may be the end of our marrige. She is willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. I explained the arguments were a result of her choosing not to change with the our maturing marriage. The things she seeked from someone else, was the exact same as I was trying to develop in our relationship.
> Now, I am hurt to my core. I am questioning the very basis of our relationship. I am looking at the past 17 years and wondering. I love my children, and I love my wife. All I am is for them. This shakes the very foundation of my being. I cannot seem to get any of this out of my head.
> ...


Wow. Unfinished business is pretty blunt. The fact she wanted to meet is a real Red Flag. High School ex BFs / Lovers are a fantasy. But a common one. 

Do His Needs Her Needs together. Do the boundary setting. You should go to Married Man Sex Life as well.

She must agree to total transparency and go total NC with this guy and any other BFs like him. Also be careful she may have a go between and they may take the affair further underground.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

way to answer the post from a year ago Entropy


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MountainofEmotions said:


> The gloves are already off. Why should I invest all the energy, motion and time into repairing this if she is going to do it again. I think type of "sting" goes along way toward developing trust. I would rather know now, than later. Just sayin'.
> I does seem sneaky, however, I feel justified, because of what she did. Sorry or not, it still happened. And I am the one who is paying.


This backfires is why you do not do it. It could set her withdrawal back. Bad play. Not helpful.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

ENTROPY STOP!!!

Those were from 2011!!!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Guess we'll have to wait until Entropy replies to every post


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

how was the time travel Entropy, good I hope?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Guess we'll have to wait until Entropy replies to every post


And to yours. That is entropy.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> how was the time travel Entropy, good I hope?


I am here for you. :smthumbup:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I thought Entropy means eventual decay, you sure were picking up steam


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mountain,

What you should do is sit your wife down tonight at the dinner table without any warning and just straight out ask her if she knew OM and his wife were getting divorced?

If she says no, then tell her they are and if OM makes contact with her please come to you right away as per your No Contact agreement.

If she says yes, ask her how she knew? Do not jump to any conclusions until she tells you. After a year of checking on her, if she has given you no reason to check your gut, then just trust her a little. You have to do it sooner or later.

Only get upset if OM contacted her and she did not tell you. Then you have a problem.

You can still do your diligence but the straight approach might be easier on both of you, especially if she has not given you any reason not to trust her.

Good Luck,

HM64


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

She is acting this way because she had no respect for you. The more you beg, plead, follow her around, tell her you love her, the less respect she has for you. Right now she has her second choice. It's ok, but is really boring. You should have nuked her. Cut off her finances, made her go live with a friend. Just kind of be an all around different person around her. She is not contrite, hell why should she be? you're not going anywhere. No she is pretty secure that you won't up end her world. I guess if you can live with that type of marriage, she can.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I thought Entropy means eventual decay, you sure were picking up steam


Well that says as much about you as it does me then. 

Entropy is expanding. Ever increasing. As in the entropy of the Universe. The continual evolving. It is at the same time about disorder, degradation and chaos.

To me entropy also represents the simultaneous existence of seemingly contradictory ideas that really must coexist to support the other.
The more you learn the less you know. The more you learn the more you see there is that is yet to be known. And that is fantastic.

I have little doubt that I have been unduly influenced by Aldous Huxley. Huxley refers to human entropy ......


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Entropy3000, don't hijack the thread!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> Entropy3000, don't hijack the thread!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then lets get on with it.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

This is classic and being seen here everyday by both men and women. Once someone gets comfortable with their spouse, the newness is gone, the spark dimmed. No matter how good the marriage.

Some people need or want to feel that new feeling of falling in love/lust and the thrill of the chase. Remember way back when? The chase and the innuendoes and the thrill made you feel alive and sexy? After marriage, those feelings dim and some people want that back.

It is okay to dream, but you can never get that back, and why would you want to. I have been on the side of both spectrums. Sure the anticipation and excitement were great, but I knew in my heart of hearts that not only was I hurting my husband, but that this newness with the other man would fade as well. 

I rather enjoy spending time with my H after 20 years, no games (upside), and no butterflies and excitement (downside). No matter what you do, if you leave your spouse for another person to follow those exciting feelings, keep in mind they will NOT last and you will be disappointed.

The chase is intoxicating but the hangover is awful and so not worth it. This isn't a romance novel, it is real life. Just because your spouse doesn't chase you anymore doesn't mean that you can't have a happy marriage. Settle into a routine, and have a best friend you can share you soul with. 

If I left my H for the guy I worked with, I would be so miserable right now and regretting every second. Fantasies are fantasies and real life is real life. Most affairs end badly, and here you sit, alone, no hubby, no boyfriend, but alone by your selfish actions. A punishment fitting the crime I reckon.

I am not judging, I have BEEN THERE so I am letting you know what happened to me. It's almost text book. Look at other posts with the same situation, they will all say the same thing. 

On rare occassions, someone will find their true soulmate through affairs, but that is not the case for most of us. If you or she is truly unhappy, then you must take action before you are both old and you hate eachother.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Hey Mountain... any update?


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