# Sexless Marriage + Feeling Dead Inside



## dynamic71 (Nov 26, 2014)

I'll keep this brief. I have always had a sexless marriage since the night of our honeymoon, 17 years ago. Wife would only have sex with me once a month on average. Some years a little more, some years a little or lot less. Basically, in the good years 12+. In the bad years 3-4 times. I have always tried to engage her in discussion and for the entire marriage it was always one little excuse after another. Fast forward three children later and I am bitter, resentful, wishing my past sex life was more than it was. A couple of years ago, wife said she would only have sex with me after I get a vasectomy. I did. Guess what, no change in sex. I've been in therapy, on and off since, 2005. I'm working on my self-esteem which was in the crapper. I made an exit plan and now the day is drawing close. A couple of months ago, I told her I was very unhappy in the marriage and vulnerable to an affair. I am actively seeking our relationships hoping one might be sexual in nature. However, I have not acted on the invitations because of my religious upbringing. Thus, I'm very conflicted and feeling dead inside. My wife has given into more intimacy a few times... now average 1 a week. I'll take what I can get. However, I still feel dead inside. Doing my best to keep the peace in the home for the children. Feels like my wife is just placating me to also keep the calm. I've been reading books and going to therapy and studying the bible more. She refuses to go to counseling and won't accept my advice for medication, proper medication. She is currently on Lexapro which has killed her already dead sex drive. I want a sincere, honest and accepting marriage and I want to make it work with my wife but I feel so dead inside. I love her, but not in love with her.

The last shoe to fall is my promotion which is coming due before the end of the year. I will then have met all my exit plan goals and will be ready to leave my wife and family and move out. I want to live close to be a part of their lives. I am considering maybe just a trial separation but have not talked to my wife about it yet. We have both threatened divorce the last couple of years, only to cave and make up for a brief period of time, only to fall back into old familiar patterns.

I'm lost and don't know what to do and seeking advice, guidance, and support from those of you who have been in my shoes. I love my family live but hate my romantic life and wife who refuses all my advances.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Don't desert your family because you aren't getting enough sex. You could very well end up alone getting no sex and no relationship with your children because they are upset that you left them. It sounds like she has stepped up her game. Be happy with that and be grateful you have a family. It sounds like you have a low self esteem and getting more sex isn't going to help that. Maybe you need counseling to be more happy with yourself and your life. Leaving your family will not make you like yourself more, odds are it will have the opposite effect, now you have low self esteem and you are a bad Dad and husband.


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## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

I sympathize OP, and I know how you feel. You shouldn't have to beg, plead or pray for love and affection, you deserve to get it in abundance from your wife....and she from you. It sounds like you're doing some of the right things but I'd suggest trying some more before giving up and moving on (btw, there's nothing wrong with giving up and moving on).

1) Stop looking for answers in the Bible. You may find guidance in there that will help you with all sorts of situations, but this isn't one of them.

2) Read the Married Man's Sex Life Primer, 2011 by Athol Kay. Look past the sexualised title of the book and some of the blunt language and it's actually an incredibly insightful book on how to make yourself a more confident, successful man, which in turn makes you more attractive to women (including your wife, hopefully).

3) Recognize that you're not "dead inside". If you were, you wouldn't be doing all the things you are doing. If you're on here looking for guidance and input, and have already started making plans for yourself, then you're far from dead inside. You're showing strength and motivation! A good start!


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## Methuselah (Nov 24, 2014)

It is good you are religious, because you can petition the Pope to anoint you for sainthood.

Intimacy is an integral part of any marriage. It is necessary for you to form and maintain a proper bond with your mate. 

You are not married, you are roommates, who occasionally have sex.

Divorce does not necessarily mean your relationship with your children will suffer. You can still be part of their lives. It is hard to evaluate this because you do not state their ages, but children are fairly resilient at most ages. Even if they do not understand at first, as they come of age, they will.

Bite the bullet, activate your escape plan, and start enjoying the rest of your life.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

So, you're going to give her until the end of the year...without telling her she has until the end of the year. That's like a month away. 

Telling someone you're susceptible to an affair is a good start. You should have continued with specific needs you want met, how you want them met, and a timeline for her to meet them before you decide to leave. 

Now, she is going to feel abandoned as if she didn't have a chance to fix things (even though you may have mentioned not being happy, she may not have known the severity of it - when you mentioned affair, she stepped it up didn't she?) So, she is trying.

I think if you tell her you are ready to leave and are planning it for the end of the year, she might even try to change more. Thing is, many women do not realize how important sex is to their husbands. They don't know that sex is one of the ways some men show emotion. She may not realize that turning you down for sex - is harming your self esteem and making you feel unwanted....

So, you can do what you think will make you happy...but if you haven't sat her down and fully explained that you're done...she doesn't get to have a chance to give it one last go. If she shows no improvement, or only improves for a short time after knowing the full details...then go ahead and leave because that would show she knew the consequences and just did not/could not meet your needs. 

I feel bad that you aren't having sex, but you are the one that had 3 kids with her. You are the one that stayed for years when you saw the sex declining on the honeymoon. You didn't tell her that this was unacceptable to you and that you would leave if those needs weren't met. So, 17 years later you're going to move out at the end of the year, and she has no idea.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's best to leave and at least have a chance at happiness.

I did, and it was the best decision I've ever made.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Pursue a divorce before they factor in your promotion salary in the support order.

Stop fantasizing about leaving her and do it. she is not into you as only 17 years of minimal intimacy can show.

You can find a replacement woman or women, trust me, you will.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening dynamic71
read the HD/LD (high desire, low desire) threads here, mostly on "sex in marriage". You will see that this is common, and rarely ends well. 

Most people who leave a relationship like this end up gloriously happy when they find someone with a normal interest in sex. 

You have every right to leave, and you will be much happier if you do. Your wife may actually be happier as well - she may find someone who also doesn't want sex, and who can be happy with her.

Don't delay. You have done everything reasonable and more.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

You need to be upfront with her and give her some warning that you're going to end the marriage. Don't be "that" guy.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

dynamic71 said:


> I'll keep this brief. I have always had a sexless marriage since the night of our honeymoon, 17 years ago. Wife would only have sex with me once a month on average....
> 
> Fast forward three children later and I am bitter, resentful, wishing my past sex life was more than it was....
> 
> ...


 Lexapro is given to epileptic people to shut down their brain to stop seizures. Also to extremely/heavily depressed people. Why is she on such a powerful drug?

And you're getting sex once a week? And still feel dead inside?

Sex isn't the cause of your marital woes. It's the manifestation of a much larger issue.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

This sounds like a hormone thing. Hard to want to have sex when the desire just isn't there.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Dump her. She's had plenty of chances and she knows the score. You won't be surprising her. You deserve happiness as much as anyone.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Boy, is that a long time. I do not understand how some of you do it. I would literally go insane if I went a week without having sex. However, I would also leave the woman if I had to go weeks without. 

I have a buddy who is single with two kids. Divorced his wife because the attraction and sex was just dead. Went weeks or months without having any satisfying sex. He was always pretty depressing to be around; however, his ex wife was always in a great mood. After the divorce, he hit the gym to get his mind and body back into the right place. Now, he has three different friends with benefits and he is going absolutely crazy with these women. He is by far the happiest guy to be around now and his kids (younger) still love him to death. His ex seems depressed and hates the fact that he's running around. To bad, to fuc*king sad.

Get the divorce and better yourself. I agree with what you are doing as long as you have a plan.


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## uxorious (Nov 25, 2014)

1- have you tried joint counseling?
2- it's possible that she is 'asexual'
3-If she's have a little sex because you are pressuring her, then it's only sex, not intimacy or love


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