# Limited Sex - Arguments



## wekiser (May 11, 2007)

My wife and I love each other tremendously! We are 28 and have been married for almost 3 years. We have a 21 month old little boy! Well....I am going to get right to it. We have sex once (1) every week or two...mostly on Saturday during our son's nap. Seems planned and not spur of the moment. I personally would love to have sex much more...2 or so a week would not be crazy I think. We argue about this a lot. It seems as though my wife feels like "we need to have sex so you will not complain", but she says no. We have great sex...nothing crazy just normal.

HELP....we are tired of the arguments!!! What can we do????:scratchhead:


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## samantha (Jan 31, 2007)

It sounds like you're creating the situation that you're unhappy with - by arguing about sex, you're probably pushing your wife further away. Try working on your relationship first, then intimacy will improve and sex will come more naturally. Treat your wife with respect and listen to her nonverbal cues, if she doesn't seem interested in sex, don't push it. When's the last time you two got a babsitter and went out on a date?

It's going to take time, so you need to be patient. No one's ever died from lack of sex... the arguing is probably much more destructive to your relationship than not having sex.


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## wekiser (May 11, 2007)

Yeah, it has been a while since we have actually been on a date just her and I! Yes, I do agree that we need some time to ourselves. I do not want to push her away (obviously)! The one thing that stays in the back of my head is that we are still young and in our sexual prime and we are rarely having sex (once every two weeks or so)! What is going to happen 5, 10 or 15 years from now?? At this rate....we will be luck to have sex once a year! She tells me all the time that she wants to have sex and hopes that I do not think that she does not. But the times we can....at night after our son is in bed....she is tired. How do I over come this? Personally, I really do not care how tired I am...if she would be interested....we would have sex!

I feel that you are right....it seems as though I am pushing her away with my desires! But, if I do not show interest to her...then she gets upset and wonders what is wrong. So, I am confused on how to change things! Anymore advice?? Thanks again!!!


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## J.A.W (May 28, 2007)

*Talk*

Well, my husband & I have had the same arguements only I was the one complaining! He had really been working alot but I feel the same way, even if I'm tired, I could perk up for a session! We fought about it alot. I dropped it for awhile. But I feel like sex is a big part of marriage & I wanted a compromise. We were driving in the car one day & I just said, " can we talk about our sex life without fighting?" We actually talk calmly & I expressed how important it was to me & how it made me feel when he didn't show interest(like having a roommate!). We've been having alot more fun together!

GOOD LUCK!!!:smthumbup:


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## jmule (Jun 26, 2007)

wekiser said:


> My wife and I love each other tremendously! We are 28 and have been married for almost 3 years. We have a 21 month old little boy! Well....I am going to get right to it. We have sex once (1) every week or two...mostly on Saturday during our son's nap. Seems planned and not spur of the moment. I personally would love to have sex much more...2 or so a week would not be crazy I think. We argue about this a lot. It seems as though my wife feels like "we need to have sex so you will not complain", but she says no. We have great sex...nothing crazy just normal.
> 
> HELP....we are tired of the arguments!!! What can we do????:scratchhead:



Once a week? I'm lucky if my wife and I make love once a month!! Don't worry about it. You are doing fine. Most couples don't have sex but once or twice a week. Make sure that you make it memoralble for her, though. Do a little getting in the mood thing. Romance her. Even if you feel like she just wants to get done with. FInd a way to make sparks fly.


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## littlecat123 (Jun 28, 2007)

Honestly, the best way to get your wife in the mood is to help her with the house and the baby. It probably doesn't seem romantic to you, but I bet with a 21 month old she is just exhausted. 

Here are my suggestions for things that would get me in the mood:
Do a chore without being asked
Light some candles
Offer your wife a nice drink -- whatever she likes that will relax her -- a glass of wine, a cup of tea
Rub her feet

Trust me -- that is better than any other foreplay you have ever used.


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## COMountainman (Jul 23, 2007)

My wife and I go through these spells also. We are starting to find out that it has a lot to do with our daily schedules and how much we push ourselves with all sorts of out of the house activities. It starts to make sense when you come home from being busy all the time and sex is somewhat of a last minute thought and there is usually not enough energy on both our parts to make it great sex if there is any sex.


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## ImaginativeResource (Aug 4, 2007)

Listen, when it comes to limited sex, I'm a wife who knows exactly how that condition occurs... My line is not "I'm tired", but rather, "Leave me, I'm not in the mood!"... 

Reasons that would cause me to feel this way is that sex is always the same... Nothing different... Same, same, same... 

Want a great tip!!! Rent a movie to watch with your wife after the kids go to bed... RENT "THE NOTEBOOK"!!! It is the most beautiful love story today!!! Make sundae's with the works!!! Pick one up at Friendly's if you can!!! Let her enjoy movie!!! I rape my husband after that movie EVERY TIME!!! Something about it!!! Don't know, don't care, but Damn!!! Great Sex everytime!!!

Now for the same, same, same issue... If you're one of those guys, like my husband is, that just grabs and sucks and is ready to go, there's your problem... I tell my husband all the time, RELAX MAN! He just can't control himself!!! Guys just don't get it... That's NOT Sexy!!! 

Take it slow!!! Kiss............. Slowly...................... Lightly.................... Let US come to YOU!!! We will if you could just control yourselves!!! Don't look for it.... Just Kiss........................ Slowly....................... That's really all it takes....................... Oh, and be sure to brush your teeth beforehand... It only takes 3 minutes... Try to keep your hands from touching any part of your wife's body!!! Just sit up in bed and Lightly kiss! 

The hottest thing EVER is when a guy just kisses slowly and makes me work to get it!!! I tell my husband this ALL the TIME but I'm too damn "hot" for him.... It's a curse for me really!!!

Hope you guys have the stamina to handle yourselves better... Let me tell you this... If you do, you'll get laid like when you were in your 20's again!!! LOL!

Let me know how you make out!!!


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## Doubt&Wonder (Oct 29, 2007)

littlecat123 said:


> Honestly, the best way to get your wife in the mood is to help her with the house and the baby. It probably doesn't seem romantic to you, but I bet with a 21 month old she is just exhausted.


As a mother of three and a wife of 21 years - 
I give this suggestion............ :smthumbup: :smthumbup:

And don't forget to compliment her through out the week and give her little non-sexual touches, kisses, hugs and playful gestures..... for she is like a crock pot and needs to shimmer for hours before she is ready.

Plus... believe it or not - it is a big turn on for some women to see their man spend time with the kids.


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

~~Snuggle~~ Sometimes women just want to be held without the expectation of sex!


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## fire_vogel (Oct 29, 2007)

ImaginativeResource said:


> Listen, when it comes to limited sex, I'm a wife who knows exactly how that condition occurs... My line is not "I'm tired", but rather, "Leave me, I'm not in the mood!"...
> 
> Reasons that would cause me to feel this way is that sex is always the same... Nothing different... Same, same, same...
> 
> ...


this is one hellava post! :smthumbup:


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

OH HELL NO! Try going without (REGULARLY) for a month or more like is the case in our marriage. She (my wife) tried to pull some stuff recently and she made me wait 2 months, a little bit longer I think but I didn't check.

Yeah, women will have a billion reasons why they are not in the mood and a billion suggestions on what you can do to get them in the mood. You have to understand or you have to be more understanding or some stuff like that.

Like I said, I have been living this hormonal hell for about three years now, as it just gets worse and worse, and all I get is, all you care about is sex, you put too much pressure on me, you have to understand, blah, blah, blah... That was o.k. for the first few months, maybe the first year, year and a half, but not a realistic existence for a health man in reproductive age.

I finally had to tell her, either you start giving it to me more regularly or start being cool with me getting it somewhere else, bottom line. I told her, I love you and all and if I have to wait someday for a real reason like illness or if you had a reason to be stressing like a death in the family, I would be the most caring, patient man on earth. I will not however be at the whim of a womans moods, they are too unpredictable and unstable. 
Sex for us men is just that, sex, it is not nor should it be so complicated.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

carmaenforcer said:


> I finally had to tell her, either you start giving it to me more regularly or start being cool with me getting it somewhere else, bottom line.


 
hmmmm....how'd she respond to that? I always wonder if any partners give the other the "green light" in these types of situations:scratchhead:


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## fredfoxw28 (Jan 11, 2008)

Oh my god, you sound just like my husband. We fight about the same thing. We just had a fight right now about it.Since you are like my husband in that aspect maybe I can understand him more by talking to you. Do you think your wife has a sexual disfunction? Why do you feel that she just does it because she has to? How come you can't understand that she could actually be tired, god forbid or maybe not in the mood. Is all the expections put on her? Meaning, you wait for her to initiate and when she doesn't you get mad? Or you initiate and she does not feel like it and then you hold that against her forever? These are things you should think about. You want sex period. But you don't want to put in the effort it takes to have sex. Relationships change and you have to learn to change with the relationship. This marriage is not only about you and your needs. Lets say you go out and get it somewhere else, you maybe sexually satisfied but believe me when I say you will find something wrong with that person. There is no perfect marriage. Learn to work with what you got and stop stressing her about when you get it because you are pushing her away and your putting pressure on her. That's exactly what I am going through. My husband claims he is not sexually satisfied. Do you understand how that makes me feel? Do you think that will make me want to hop in bed with him, uhh no..... So please do yourself a favor and stop beating her over the head with your demands, that approach obviously does not work. Try something different maybe you should look at yourself and wonder why she does not want to sleep with you. Theres always room for improvement.


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## jeanette (Mar 8, 2008)

carmaenforcer said:


> OH HELL NO! Try going without (REGULARLY) for a month or more like is the case in our marriage. She (my wife) tried to pull some stuff recently and she made me wait 2 months, a little bit longer I think but I didn't check.
> 
> Yeah, women will have a billion reasons why they are not in the mood and a billion suggestions on what you can do to get them in the mood. You have to understand or you have to be more understanding or some stuff like that.
> 
> ...


icompletely agree with u on that, except the roles are reversed, my husband is dead, when it comes to sex. He could care less if we ever done it, so im about to the point to go somewhere else for satisfaction, because talking sure dont do any damn good. good luck.


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## Green-Moo (Feb 5, 2008)

Really, with a young child around, I don't think your situation is abnormal at all. I also think it'll improve in time. 

However, by continually pushing the issue you'll likely push your wife further away. There's nothing that puts me off sex more that feeling obliged to, and I expect your wife feels the same. 

Try laying off the nagging, and cherishing her by day to day touches, hugs, and making her feel special.


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## crazycasey (Mar 7, 2008)

My first question is, is your child still sleeping with you? Also, does your wife work? I am a stay at home mom and so I have a little more energy than maybe a mother who works all day and then does the chores and takes care of a baby. But I am a women who really doesnt feel the need to have sex all the time either. But I did read a good book that helped me understand how my husband feels about sex. Its called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Anyways, it was an eye opener as far as sex was concerned. Who knew it was SO important. It is definitely not important to me. We have a small child too, and if I am not in the mood, then I tell him he can just have a quickie, ie. he gets in gets out sort of thing...thats fine for me, if I am tired and not in the mood, the last thing I want to do is have sex. But really, a lot of guys think you can just mention sex and your wife will be up for it right away. It doesnt work like that with us, we cant just hear the word and be turned on. Romantic kisses, backrubs and such really will go a long way.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

Well *Chris H.*, I've also always wonder if any partners give the other the "green light" in these types of situations.my wife's response was what you would have expected, a big "HELL NO!"
I of coarse plead my case without arguing with;
If I do, I won't bug you anymore! We can go without sex for as long as you'd like! Just because you don't have a sex drive don't expect me not to!
That kind of thing. 
Amazingly she did agree with the logic of most of my points, she don't do logic well, and so I end up where I started.

*fredfoxw28*,
You said it your self, "_This marriage is not only about you and your needs._", yet women want us to wait until they are ready without thinking about our needs. 
You also mentioned, "_Lets say you go out and get it somewhere else, you maybe sexually satisfied but believe me when I say you will find something wrong with that person._"
I should have explained better, but if I went somewhere else for "sex" I would go to a professional and so would almost be pretty much guaranteed satisfaction. I'm not looking for a better wife or even a woman that truly cares about my needs, just sex.

I don't know if your husband is at this point yet, but trust me your sex is no different or more special that anyone other and if you make your man work too hard for it, he will quickly realize that it just ain't worth it and will eventually go somewhere else or just leave. You best realize that you shouldn't make it so hard to get your sex before your husband just stops asking someday. 

*jeanette*, I feel you sister. You did your part by trying to talk it out, if that didn't work you go ahead and take care of your needs since he don't care. Simple as that, and if they don't like it then maybe they should do their jobs, right? Because, I'm sorry but yeah it it the spouses job to satisfy the others reasonable sexual needs.

*Green-Moo*,
Please know that I am normally a very caring and understanding man, I am all about fairness also, she has simply exhausted my patience. For example, she just got into a bad car accident on Monday, that's why it took me till today to reply, I've been taking care of her. I've told her before, if for some medical reason she can't have sex with me I will wait forever and be faithful, but I will not put up with games or having to jump through hoops for no reason other than a her issues.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

"Try going without (REGULARLY) for a month or more like is the case in our marriage."

Bad idea dude -- once she gets used to having it less, you won't even get the "bad sex". How do I know that? 6 months and counting, thats how.

She has convinced HERSELF that something is wrong, and she isn't going to change her opinion until she is darn well ready. You can try and try and try. You can do all the housework, pay 100% of the bills, shower her with gifts, and all you'll end up doing is rewarding bad behavior.

All this "I'm not in the mood", I'm too tired" they are just excuses. I'm not saying people are never "not in the mood" or never "tired" but when you get the same routine 3 or 4 times in the row, you know its a lie.

Make peace with it because the odds are highly against it changing the way you want it to.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

Chopblock said:


> "Try going without (REGULARLY) for a month or more like is the case in our marriage."
> 
> Bad idea dude -- once she gets used to having it less, you won't even get the "bad sex". How do I know that? 6 months and counting, thats how.
> 
> ...


Dang Chopblock, I feel your pain or rather the pain of my own is a lot like yours. 
I tried the patiently waiting for sex and 1 month without quickly turned into 3 and she didn't even flinch. I've also tried being nice not a hard thing to do since it's in my nature to be that way anyway, but nope. 
I have, like Chopblock here, have come to the conclusion that you just have to get yours, somewhere else, and stop expecting any magical sex to fall from the sky.
Just yesterday, my wifes best friend was telling my wife that her man keeps bugging her for sex and that she just ignores him, going as far as calling him to respond to a text he had sent her saying simply,"I need sex!" and her response she had to say in person was, "So, what do you want me to do about it."
I was just sitting there playing with our 15 month old baby boy giving them their hen time and my wife says "I'm doing the same thing to him, huh babe." The cold blooded bi_ch had the nerve to say, huh babe, like I would somehow laugh along with them or something.
I later asked her, do you guys seriously see what you do as a joke or take pride in making us go without for some reason?
She got all defensive and told me I always ask that same question, news to me because I have never said that to her before. Anyway, I asked her oh yeah, and so what is the answer then, to which she simply walk away. 

LOOSER... I thought, I'll be glad to finally cheat on your selfish uncaring ass.


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## juls (Apr 1, 2008)

AHHH the harper valley PTA moms...Sorry but thats what they remind me off(and it's sickening). and then have the gall to get pissed and say "OMG he cheated"....In this situation the cheater is not the arse the withholding uncaring wife is...

How dare she say such things..Awful


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## drjhutt (Apr 21, 2008)

The thing about the ages old "I-don't-get-enough-sex" argument, is that conflicts of this sort really challenge each partner to ask themselves one really powerful question: "How can I get my best self to show up for my partner right now--or--"Is the way I am right now really being the spouse I aspire to be?"


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

Do you help with the kids? I firmly believe that the stay-at-home doesn't always have it as easy as people think. Being cooped up is tough. I'm sure you assist when you get home.

Do you guys ever go out? Did you try getting babysitters and having date nights and really making it about the two of you?

I'm sure you've tried a lot of stuff and I'd love to hear about it. You get it every week or two though? Some of us here remember that much sex as a fondly distant memory. I think I could do a month standing on my head .


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## Cindy (May 10, 2008)

I'm a wife and you are not alone! My husband feels exactly like you! But if you are like him, you would rather chew your right leg off before you'd go anywhere else. We've gotten a bit better though so let me share...

First, your wife, like so many of us, is rather ignorant to how important sex is to you. We ladies don't get it. It's not that big of a deal to us that's why we can go for months without it and even make jokes. I now understand for you guys, it's like you can't see clearly after 3 days! It's something you just need, like oxygen.

Secondly, ignore all that crap about flowers and romance, it's not going to put your wife in the mood. It's going to cause more pressure, because it's to motivate her to have sex, not b/c you suddenly felt the love. Flowers and romance, to me, are better after sex. Then it feels more like sex was appreciated instead of you just washing your hands kind of thing. 

Be careful though, otherwise you get caught up in the vicious cycle of "I need romance", "well I need sex" "give me romance, I'll give you sex" "I'll give you romance when you give me sex", and pretty soon it's like wiping your butt with a hula hoop..never ending....arguing and no one gettin' any lovin'.

My husband says that when he is satisfied sexually (and we are still working on his), that's when he WANTS to buy me flowers and do sweet things. He's more understanding and patient with me, (he doesn't mind so much when I told him how much I spent, lol). Seriously, I actually see a difference in his mood and self esteem, which makes me feel great as his wife, which makes want to keep "going there". You should have your wife read this. At one point I wondered, why am I arguing my way out of good time?

Ok, last; having kids does take it's toll on a sex life. Guys, it's not an excuse, some of it is hormonal, which we can't help, but we are freakin' wiped out with babies! Seriously, going from milkmaid with a baby to hot honey hoe in the bedroom is a lil much on the ol' scattered mind there! Take the kids for a few, bring home dinner, let us take a shower or bubble bath in peace so we can mentally go from one to the other. We know you guys could do it in your sleep, but we would take 20 min of sleep over 20 min of sex. I know, crazy huh? So, make a deal, promise your wife a break for a lil nookie in return, she just might take you up on it. Good luck and hope this helps. Makes me feel better we're not the only couple like this, and even better off than some. Yikes!


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

***"it's not going to put your wife in the mood. It's going to cause more pressure, because it's to motivate her to have sex, not b/c you suddenly felt the love"

I agree with this. When she knows you are desperate, all she'll see it as is buttering her up. These days, I'm almost positive that many people out there are conditioned to get suspicious when someone is being nice to you. Oh you got my favorite drink. Oh look at those pretty flowers. Ok.... out with it, what do you want (or "what did you do?")


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## confusedinTX (May 9, 2008)

Wow this post is depressing. First of all to those of you who think cheating is the answer get a divorse and be done with it. 

As for the first post. I have a 18 month old who doesn't sleep through the night still. I don't know if yours does or not but that tends to have an effect on how tired I am. More then that though when they are that young (even if they sleep) they are very needy and we spend a lot of time holding them which kinda fills a need for physical touch and is draining as well. What my husband has realized is letting me go out for a moms night out with other moms is almost a slame dunk for him. I come home relaxed, happy and appreciate him for letting me go out. I am as stay at home mom so it is nice to have adult time. I try not to go out more then 2 times a month with the girls but it helps a lot. We have sex at least 1-2 a week. I think what would make more more inclined though is a date night....18 months and counting..... The other thing is not the romance before sex but during. If you aren't looking her in the eyes and making it be about making love vs sex then it might be making her less inclined. Instead of "you like how hard you make me" try "you are beautiful" and look her in the eyes when you say it. As a lot of women have said we don't have the same physical need but we do need to feel loved, beautiful and so on. Make love to her more and you both will get what you want. Good luck.


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## hitrockbottom (Jun 3, 2008)

I don't have kids but I do have two nephews who stay at my house...constantly.

They are......and I say this with love..............THE BIGGEST **** BLOCKS IN THE WORLD.....but I love them.

Its hard to convince your woman to be in the mood when there are kids around, I get that now. Its like playing Jenga in a car....you hit a speed bump and you have to start all over....kids=speed bump.....jenga=seduction


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

hitrockbottom said:


> I don't have kids but I do have two nephews who stay at my house...constantly.
> 
> They are......and I say this with love..............THE BIGGEST **** BLOCKS IN THE WORLD.....but I love them.
> 
> Its hard to convince your woman to be in the mood when there are kids around, I get that now. Its like playing Jenga in a car....you hit a speed bump and you have to start all over....kids=speed bump.....jenga=seduction


Fortunatly I dont look at my two little ones as **** blockers. There the best thing that has ever happened in my life and my wives too. 

Making time for sex is a matter of priority. It can be done if their is the WILL for it. Date nights etc. Kids go to be early so that leaves another opportunity. Women and men need to meet their mates needs or the relationship simply wont work.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

brad said:


> Making time for sex is a matter of priority. .


:iagree:

draconis


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## American Arrogance (Sep 5, 2008)

Hubby and I rarely have sex...I just dont have sex withhim becuase its not satisfying. When we do have sex, I try to make it great but he is boring. He doesnt like the sex toys I bought, he hates the ramp (which I think is great), he doesnt like to watch porn (oh that because I found out he like to watch gay porn and not the girl/girl one), we either in missionary (which I despise with a passion) or me on top. He wants me to go perform oral sex often but why should I if I get no pleasure. There is no foreplay or anyhing leading up to intercourse...all he does is touch the breast and ok he's ready to go....He doesnt like to look at me when we having sex. Everytime I try to make eye contact he closes his eyes. He says he feels weirded out when making eye contact. I just have no sensation when he is inside. OMG sex is horrible with my husband and 'll gladly deny him sex for as long as possible until he gets the clue to perform foreplay or something.

To be honest, the only time I enjoy sex with him is when there is another female involved. other than that I dont want him. He's like a boring 2 position no gimmick robot. I even encourage him to go out and get some experience. Not making this post an advice but just describing my sex life.

Oh the the one time we had the best sex this year was when I got my first orgasm EVER, and that was becuase we were attemtping to have sex all day but the kids kept interrupting us. So when we finally got down to doing it later that night, I exploded. Maybe the kids should interrupt us more often.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

American-
How rare is rare? and does he mind?


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

I agree with littlecat123..try to help her with the little one more and do some nice things more often like rub her feet or shoulders, pour her a glass of wine or make her some tea and put the little one to bed..Do the dishes if she cooks, or cook her dinner occasionally.

Foreplay is so important to women because it takes us time to "warm up" where you guys are ready. Maybe wake earlier in the morning before the little one, when she's not so tired. And kissing definitely warms us up and gives us time to feel the desire! 

Find a sitter if you can so you two can get out once a week for date...so important to have that alone time! My husband and I would try to get away for an overnight alone when we were younger and the kids were little....Of course the Grandparents made that possible. A hotel room is a wonderful place for a woman to relax because all of the chores are not staring her in the face. Try to find one with a in-room jacuzzi tub if you can!

I used to always be available to my husband whether or not I was in the mood, because I understood how much men need it. For us it was almost every day! I still am but his libido is different now due to marriage issues, so our sexual relationship is not like it was (not as often). I am hoping it will be back to normal in the future.

Try not to argue about the subject, but ask to discuss it calmly and explain to her that this is really important to you without getting emotional.

Try to be patient. If necessary, seek a counselor whom specializes in sex therapy. This thread at least should make you feel better that you are not alone! Hope this helps..good luck!


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> Please, Please,Please don't fall into that trap!!!! I've been there and done that. It's not worth it! Ask for a divorce before you bring a third party into a marriage that God intended for two. I regret it on a daily basis and my self-worth has plummeted because of it. I feel blemished for life. My husband has forgiven me, but forgiving myself is a different story!


Very good advice. :smthumbup:


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

I just thought that I'd chime in with an up-date on my situation.
My Wife and I's sex life got better for a little while and now is back to a bad place again. She has a million and one excuses, most pretty valid, for not having the drive or desire to have sex as much as I would like, but I got sick of caring and so stopped caring about them.
I have been handling it (the lack of sex) better than I used to just a few months ago, mostly because I just don't care anymore, which is not a good thing, but we don't argue about it anymore at least.
It's been about a month since the last time we did "it", possibly longer I forgot exactly. Just this past Saturday I brought it up, I really hate asking and didn't want to, but I did because she pissed me off by luring me to bed with the promise of sex if I massaged her. I did my part and she flaked on me, I let it go, but asked her, calmly and without a tone, what is going on with her. She told me that she's been feeling sad lately because the anniversary of her Grandfathers death was coming up and it's been bothering her. Like I said, yet another valid reason for her not being in the mood, but just how patient is a man supposed to be exactly before enough is enough?

I'm not angry anymore and not in a big hurry to get it elsewhere, as I was not too long ago. I've been taking care of myself and keeping from doing too much for her, since she doesn't deserve it, that's the way I keep from resenting her.
She knows this and has been pretty cool about it because she knows not to push me too far. The next day, just to make sure that there was no misunderstandings, I told her that I didn't appreciate her tricking me into massaging her and she said I know, I know. She was super cool and accommodating the next day, letting me lounge and not bugging me at all. I knew that it was just because she knew she messed up and so the gesture was hollow, but I accepted it. 
We haven't argued and we are cool, but she is loosing me emotionally if she hasn't already pushed me too far, she is close. 
Now I'm more worried about getting over my resentment, something that I'm not too good about doing.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Carmaenforcer, i am of the exact opinion.

I have read many threads on this forum, what is jumping out at me is how the ladies like their needs catered to and they will reward us with intimacy......maybe. I know alot of them will disagree but that is what I am reading. "rub her feet, give her flowers, help her with the housework, yadda yadda."

Well all that just doesn't work for me (and apparently many others). I have "chased" my wife around for 18 years, getting it sometimes and mostly not. Making love to her and ONLY HER is my idea of the ultimate show of love and affection. I don't require it to be raunchy, play acting, toy using euphoria. During times of regular sex (rare as they were) i was much happier and consequently she was too, why is this hard for her to understand. Before i hear the "yeah, but now your getting what you want first" argument, and the thing i probably understand about it the least is, she seems to enjoy sex immensly when it does occur. Why wouldn't that prompt her to seek it more often? 

I still feel that sex is used as a weapon. I still feel, like alot of the men on here, that she either doesn't understand my needs or more than likely doesn't care. I have tried her way, it didn't change anything. If and when I stray, i would like to think she could look at herself in the mirror and take some responsibility for my choice, right now i feel like i have none. Nothing good will come of it.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

okeydokie said:


> If and when I stray, i would like to think she could look at herself in the mirror and take some responsibility for my choice, right now i feel like i have none. Nothing good will come of it.


Your wife is not responsible _at all_ for your choices.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Chris H. said:


> Your wife is not responsible _at all_ for your choices.



is that to say she is blameless in my situation? I did not say she was entirely to blame, but she certainly would be partly to blame.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree: w/Chris H.



okeydokie said:


> the thing i probably understand about it the least is, she seems to enjoy sex immensly when it does occur. Why wouldn't that prompt her to seek it more often?
> ...
> I still feel that sex is used as a weapon. I still feel, like alot of the men on here, that she either doesn't understand my needs or more than likely doesn't care.


I can tell you from my perspective, that sex isn't something I normally think about throughout the day and although it is enjoyable at the time, prior to that it can feel more like another chore on the list if I'm just really tired so if I'm only thinking about what I want, sleep can easily take priority over initiating.

It wasn't until I did some reading and found this forum that I better understood sex from a man's perspective. I truly want my husband to be fulfilled and happy within our marriage so I make a point to keep my priorities in check and to be honest, the more frequent it is, the more I do think about it and want to initiate.

On the flip side, I have never used it as a weapon or type of control over my husband...when I was lacking in that department, it was because I was feeling unloved/unappreciated and honestly had no desire to be intimate. My husband has always been good about bringing me flowers, hugs, kisses, but I was really just needing to feel that he wanted to spend time with me/us as a family and felt he'd rather be anywhere else, work/gym/etc. So here he thought he was doing everything possible and must have been frustrated that it wasn't working. The 5 Love Languages book helped us both to understand one another better.

If you asked your wife the 5 top things she would do if her #1 goal is to make you happy, do you think she'd get it right?

What would you do to make her happy? Are you certain you have it right?

Once you know what these things are, and are both in an open discussion about them and WANT to implement them because you truly want your spouse to be happy, it all falls into place.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I agree with Chris, it's YOUR choice, no one is forcing you to.

you both need to settle this one way or another.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

as for the kids as "blockers" yea been down that road...we have to find the time to "play" sometimes we sneak up for a quickie" othertimes we find the time, or I bring my wife over to the hallway and make out with her a few minutes like teenagers, then let her know I will be chasing her until I get some....Makes the long day a little funner.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> I agree with Chris, it's YOUR choice, no one is forcing you to.
> 
> you both need to settle this one way or another.


ok ok, it's a choice i'm going to make because my wife has chosen to stop the intimacy...i agree. i could have worded it differently


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

okeydokie said:


> ok ok, it's a choice i'm going to make because my wife has chosen to stop the intimacy...i agree. i could have worded it differently


It's not just the wording. You seem to think that cheating on her is going to bring about this "oh no, look what I did!" reaction from your wife, where she will take the blame and try to change.

You're playing games with her and relationships shouldn't be manipulative games we play.

The more likely consequence of your cheating would be that she gets angry at you and turns you into the "bad" person, making herself the victim. All of this decreases the likelihood of you achieving your goal which is having more sex, and it could destroy your relationship further in the process.

2 wrongs don't make a "right." Be the better person and find healthier solutions to your problems.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

*okeydokie*

I feel you brother. I will probably end up getting it somewhere else when I get the opportunity. I also feel like I have done enough and if she doesn't care then it's none of her business anymore. She forfeited any say, after neglecting me and plain not caring.

It's not hard for us guys to separate sex from love, so the act of doing it with someone else isn't really detrimental to my relationship or feelings towards my Wife. The games and or neglect is killing my feelings of love for her though. That's what has me more concerned now, I would never leave her for not being willing or able to give me sex, but I might if I just plain don't love her and can't stand to be around her anymore. That won't happen until my Son is older and out the house though from my end at least.
I think she will leave me first when she figures out that I'm dead inside for her, so I need to keep that, like my sexual needs, to myself.

I say go get yours and come back and continue your sexless yet healthy relationship in peace, if the lack of sex is the only problem. Do it fast before you grow to hate and resent her, then it might be too late and no amount of sex with anyone can fix that.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

okeydokie-

I am writing a book on this subject. Can you say more about your situation?


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## sam_dunbar (Sep 26, 2008)

littlecat123 said:


> Honestly, the best way to get your wife in the mood is to help her with the house and the baby. It probably doesn't seem romantic to you, but I bet with a 21 month old she is just exhausted.


You have hit the nail on the head! Romance your wife, make her feel loved by doing both chores around the house and loving on her. The examples given are great.

Here is something that your wife most likely does not realize... men have a built in need for sexual intimacy, more than women. On the other hand women have a built in need to communicate, more than men do. Not wrong, just different.

Instead of begging and pleading for more sexual intimacy, start meeting her needs. The more you do the more open she will be to meet your need and desire. Also, you might want to sit her down for a frank, honest no arguing discussion on this topic. Ask her to give you a list of different things that you can do to make her feel loved and secure.

Good luck. 

Sam


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## Jemal Jelil (Dec 3, 2008)

Yeah, never try to argue your way to more sex. It just doesn't work. And even if you then end up having sex, she won't be happy with it, or with you.

The secret is to attract her *emotionally*. You have to attract her, man. Make it such that she can't wait to have to sex with you.

Never, ever demand it.

Trust me, every ladies' man will tell you that the average woman is even more into sex than the average man. Guys, don't believe me? Then you haven't sparked the right emotions in your wife.

Maybe you haven't even been considering her emotions. Start thinking in terms of emotion and you will unleash in your wife a desire for love-making beyond your imagination.

Jemal.
Happy Marriage for Men


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

First of all, I resent women talking about how we don't need sex or can go without it, etc. I'm a woman and I'm telling you I NEED IT!! (and so do many other women). What I don't need is bad sex. 

Here's what no one's mentioned ... It's mind-boggling to me how many crappy lovers there are out there who have NO clue that they suck in bed (and this is way, way more common of men than women). I don't blame them in a sense because our culture is set up to teach girls/ women how to please a man (and yes, they are easier) but not set up in any way to teach men how to please a woman. Yes, women are harder to please, but not THAT hard. Men just don't want to do the work or are absolutely overwhelmed by it. I know you guys are totally stumped and I feel for you, but honestly it's not rocket science. In terms of anatomy, for a man, bad sex still means orgasm in the end most of the time; for a woman, bad or boring or rushed sex means she gets nothing but sexual frustration. You accumulate enough frustration, you get a cranky woman on your hands or a woman that has to shut down her sexuality so she can live her life.

Yes, flowers and helping around the house and a foot rub are all nice and dandy and can't hurt a relationship. But they don't give us an orgasm, so you can do those things 'till you're blue in the face, Fellows, but if once you get in the sack she doesn't get hers, she's not going to want to bother next time.

Can you imagine if every time you had sex you walked away from it with nothing but blue balls? Do you think you'd want to be having sex again and again? No, you'd be like "no thanks, hon. I have a headache" and just take care of yourself, which isn't as good as good sex, but it's sure better than somebody using you as their personal masturbatory toy and then say "that was great hon!" And I know many of you do try hard (or think you do) but you don't get sex points for trying ... you get sex points if she comes.

Women are to blame for this as well. We're told that if we tell you you're not doing a good job in bed, it will only make it harder for you to get it up and keep it up. So, we're told to "guide" you gently while praising you and propping your ego. I see how that's true, but in too many relationships that just ends up with guys that think they're doing a nice job in bed when they're soooooo not, and are then wondering why they're not getting any. You also end up with women coming up with a thousand excuses to avoid the bad sex (and sometimes convincing themselves those reasons are real).

Men: please, please ask yourselves ... were you/ are you giving your woman ORGASMS during your sexual encounters? (and I wouldn't go just by her polite lies to not hurt your feelings... can you FEEL her having one?). If you're not sure, you probably aren't and that's probably why she couldn't care less about doing it with you.

Okay, off my bitter rant.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

*Re: Re: Limited Sex - Arguments*

Oops


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

She is your wife and should be excited and want to have sex with you and different types of sex, not just vanilla sex. 

Sex only 1x every 2 weeks could be the norm for a while because she had your child 21 months ago and her hormones may still be off and not returned to normal yet. 

And her priority is going to be about the baby now and not sex. When the baby stops waking up throughout the night and you can sleep soundly, sex should increase as well.

In her mind, sex is one of the last things that are important.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


>


That just freaks me out!


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> And her priority is going to be about the baby now and not sex. When the baby stops waking up throughout the night and you can sleep soundly, sex should increase as well.


LOL!! Since this thread is from 2007, the "baby" is now a FIVE YEAR OLD child and going to school. Problem solved!


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

OP two thoughts...

First your sex life is not horrible if it is regular twice a month, that while not up to your drive can be seen as acceptable in today's society.

So you have an uphill battle with the wife... she already feels she is doing her part (she is)

Constantly arguing will not change that an in fact will likely decrease the sex you get...possibly in the end sexless.

Now on the flip side if you feel your drives are so different then honestly figure out a middle ground and that is where you make your stand. Not your drive but in between your drive and current.

Gently apologize for arguing constantly about sex and inform her about the ideal level that you came up with in the middle of both your drives... let her know the reasons why current is hard. Tell her that you appreciate the sex you now share and want to be a better husband to her and we'll see how our future goes without all the arguing.

Then shut up and in six months re-evaluate and in some fashion mention the frequency again.

Be a better husband.. rinse-repeat

Eventually she will see that meeting your middle is better.

Pull and slight push


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