# Thatbpguy Man Card Suspended!



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

#&*[email protected]!!! Had my man card suspended today. Hopefully I can go before the review board and get it back quickly.

So what happened was at dinner last night the girls (us, 3 kids and their spouses- and my perfect grand daughter, of course) decided they were going to hit the sales early this morning. Fine, whatever. They presumed the guys were coming along to carry bags, pay for things...

So I took the guys aside and told then, "Look, we're not doing this". I was trying to teach these kids to have some pride and guts. "When we gather, we're going to tell them to go and have a good time and we'll stay here, eat all the leftover pie and watch ESPN". I got great support.

So this morning the ladies wanted to know why we weren't getting our coats... and I told them to go and have a good time and we're staying here and chilling out. 

OMF'infG!!!! 

You would have thought I had just attacked the Pope with an aborted fetus or something. Seriously, they turned on us like a pack of ravenous wolves. We were going all right- or else. Arms folded, wifely death ray stares that would cut thru titanium...

After a beat down of epic proportions, we slinked out of here with heads very low. Very very low. No pie. No ESPN. No talk about women...

Man I feel awful. The Men's Board of Regents suspended my man card and I hope to have back for the Duck game tomorrow, but I am in limbo over it all.

Refresh my memory, why do we marry?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

LOL! My wife is more than happy to be sent out the door with the other girls and plenty of spending money.

The men that are usually left in my house do have to babysit the little ones however.

Funny post! I hope you get reinstated soon. What a blow brother!&#55357;&#56842;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

AND NOW SHE'S EATING MY PIE!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When will this shame ever end?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Damn!!! Not the pie too!!???! Cruel universe!

I laughed pretty hard at the "wifey death stare".

I hate it. Makes my package try to crawl up and disappear.&#55357;&#56833;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Damn!!! Not the pie too!!???! Cruel universe!
> 
> I laughed pretty hard at the "wifey death stare".
> 
> ...


Seriously, women don't have to say anything to get what they want....

The death ray stare, a slow unbuttoning of a blouse, arms folded, walking away... never need to say a single word most of the time to get whatever they darn well want. 

It's disgusting.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

So how are you going to get your mancard reinstated? Maybe start a boob thread?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> So how are you going to get your mancard reinstated? Maybe start a boob thread?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good idea. I'll title it "Puffy Nipples?"

My situation is similar to these:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5RDAQFAh6Q

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6D6eP6EMj4


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Love this thread.

Here is how my husband has escaped being intimidated into shopping with me all these years.

1. While in the store, frequently interrupt her browsing to show her some of the ugliest things you can find (articles for women) and suggest as a gift for so and so. Bonus points if she is unable to school her disgust with your taste.

2. After she has picked something out, begin wondering aloud where said item might be found cheaper. Suggest you both go there to look before you actually buy this one.

3. Complain repeatedly and with passion about prices, necessity, and messaging of items being considered for purchase. Every damn item, every damn time.

4. Each purchase made should be accompanied by dramatic huffs and puffs and lamenting how far into you 80's you will have to work.

5. On principal, anything she picks out for you-no matter what it is- you must vociferously declare you neither need nor want. When you break for lunch, make sure she is aware that you are picking out the least expensive menu item because..spending hurts but hunger hurts just as much.

6. If she insist you try on new shoes too, refer back to step 1 above.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Can't watch the videos right now. I am driving around Wyoming and out of data.

This thread brought some good thoughts my way. I am a long way from home and my wife right now.

I could go for a good "death ray stare" about now and the chance for make up later.

Thanks for the fun story. I think losing our mancards periodically, is probably just part of the game.&#55357;&#56833;

It is always fun getting them back!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Love this thread.
> 
> Here is how my husband has escaped being intimidated into shopping with me all these years.
> 
> ...


I've tried some of those. She didn't loosen my leash one bit.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Can't watch the videos right now. I am driving around Wyoming and out of data.
> 
> This thread brought some good thoughts my way. I am a long way from home and my wife right now.
> 
> ...


You HAVE to find time to watch the videos. They are a perfect microcosm of what we go through as men.

And, oh by the way, after seeing them you have no doubt about what I got wifey for Christmas.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Love this thread.
> 
> Here is how my husband has escaped being intimidated into shopping with me all these years.
> 
> ...


Love it! I got my wife trained years ago to enjoy a lack of my presence when shopping for anything besides groceries.&#55357;&#56842;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Love this thread.
> 
> Here is how my husband has escaped being intimidated into shopping with me all these years.
> 
> ...


BTW, I did use your line of thinking and have gotten out of laundry all these years. When first married, at my father in law's suggestion, I washed the darks with the whites and was banned from laundry ever again. YES!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> You HAVE to find time to watch the videos. They are a perfect microcosm of what we go through as men.
> 
> And, oh by the way, after seeing them you have no doubt about what I got wifey for Christmas.


LOL! I will watch them tomorrow night. Promise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

There are several areas of our home where I am allowed to look but not touch! Incompetence really pays in small doses!&#55357;&#56841;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

'duck game' as in oregon duck, or anaheim mighty duck?


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

My wife is happiest when i stay at home during the sales to ensure a hubby and guilt free free day of shopping the fridge and cupboards are rather well stocked than normal and my favourite DVD Ice Cold In Alex is left out for me :smthumbup:


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> 'duck game' as in oregon duck, or anaheim mighty duck?


Oregon Ducks. As in the Mighty Oregon Ducks.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I like OU over OSU, but i expect no cake walk. civil war


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Hilarious thread!!!!

I'm toasty warm in my home. No urge to shop whatsoever.

Headed to the barn to feed my horses in a little bit and soak up the fall sunshine and bury my head in a horse mane.

Husband is happy, son is happy, I'm happy. 

AND the Iron Bowl is tomorrow. Can life get any better????

ROLL TIDE!!!!!


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

a funny thread, with serious undertones. am thinking/hoping your wife is someone with a modicum of self-reflection. otherwise you will indded need to pick some activity that you love, but that she finds boring, and INSIST that she now accompany you. she's not that dense is she?? you did indeed pick an activity where there is seemingly absolutely no need for your involvement...


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> you did indeed pick an activity where there is seemingly absolutely no need for your involvement...


Unless you are trying to get around a "one per customer" rule by having two customers.


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## Big Dude (Feb 24, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Love this thread.
> 
> Here is how my husband has escaped being intimidated into shopping with me all these years.
> 
> ...


Anon Pink, your husband is a true Jedi master of the wifely shopping excursion. I bow to him. Will he take me on as his apprentice? I think I need to see some of these dramatic huffs and puffs...a novice would probably overplay them.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> Unless you are trying to get around a "one per customer" rule by having two customers.


Never would have thought of that. I love the perspectives of women!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Never would have thought of that. I love the perspectives of women!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


my wife convinced me to go to black friday on thursday.

nevertheless i got some new addidas out of it from her, so i came out of the deal good (i think :scratchhead.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

I do my duty with grocery shopping but I have her trained to persuade me for other kinds of shopping,, especially clothes.

Ultimately, you get the death ray glare one way or another. My memory for chores ain't the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Big Dude said:


> Anon Pink, your husband is a true Jedi master of the wifely shopping excursion. I bow to him. Will he take me on as his apprentice? I think I need to see some of these dramatic huffs and puffs...a *novice would probably overplay them*.


Precisely grasshopper!

Elegance in understatement is the key.

When he gets home from shopping, I'll ask him to post if he's not too tired from making dinner.

ETA, he is actually playing golf today. Just thought the dog house idea should be extended from folding laundry to doing the Black Friday shopping.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> my wife convinced me to go to black friday on thursday.
> 
> nevertheless i got some new addidas out of it from her, so i came out of the deal good (i think :scratchhead.


Now see, you broke rule # 5 and you are now the official purse and bag carrier. May as well just turn in your balls too.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I wonder if there should be an official office of man card issuing and reinstatement?

Or at least a book to guide a man on how to get his card back?&#55357;&#56842;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Ouch! My wife dislikes shopping and the last thing she wants to do is shop on Black Friday. Instead, she wants to stay home, hang out, and have sex. I can handle that.

And don't worry about your man card - these are extenuating circumstances that apply to almost all men.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Conan, you gotta see the links... Hysterical!


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Unfortunately there are very few things a man can do to redeem himself in the eyes of his fellow man once things have gone this far.

I’d recommend forcing a detour to Tractor Supply Company, Northern Tool, NAPA, Cabela’s, REI, Bass Pro Shops or simply hiding in the Craftsman Tool section of the Sears at the mall.

(Un)fortunately, Ms. Spin doesn’t go for this Black Friday stuff. We’re decorating for Christmas and she is belly-aching about the Nebraska-Iowa score. She did pick up a 6-pack of Samuel Adams White Christmas Ale – so that is good!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

:rofl:


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Wifey is being very nice and gave me a few dirty looks after reading this thread. 

I hate shopping. Always have. Even the grocery store is a major pain for me. 

Oh well, tis the season I suppose...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I still can't get past the loss of pie.
.. Sadness
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

:rofl:

Omg, y'all are killing me


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> I still can't get past the loss of pie.
> .. Sadness
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


True story- she ate it out of the pan to spite me as she knows like to do so. Talk about a beat down.


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## minebeloved (Nov 7, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> So how are you going to get your mancard reinstated? Maybe start a boob thread?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You must really love boobs......


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

minebeloved said:


> You must really love boobs......


LOL! I love everything about a female body and am actually a hind quarters kind of guy but I was having a little fun about what OP posted on your thread.&#55357;&#56833;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

thatbpguy... I think you should get bonus man points for caving to the feminine pressure of holiday shopping needs. Then later you have a bargain chip because you went. If you held your ground, you wouldn't have. Plus I bet you all got treats.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It is hard to resist the death ray stare! Shudder...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

God there is nothing I hate more than going shopping with a man. I would rather eat my own head than wander the shops with a male of the species.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Holland said:


> God there is nothing I hate more than going shopping with a man. I would rather eat my own head than wander the shops with a male of the species.


:rofl:


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Holland said:


> God there is nothing I hate more than going shopping with a man. I would rather eat my own head than wander the shops with a male of the species.


I think I love you! Preach it sister!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

:rofl::rofl: :rofl::rofl:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why? Oh why would anyone want to go anywhere near a store on this day?

:scratchhead:


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Why? Oh why would anyone want to go anywhere near a store on this day?
> 
> :scratchhead:


Amen Sister


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You know what I am thankful for? Online Shopping.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Why? Oh why would anyone want to go anywhere near a store on this day?
> 
> :scratchhead:


To watch a live version of kick boxing; act out masochist flights of fantasy; mingle with the masses; square off with the biggest and brightest of the retail kingdom; yield to the desire to do a beatdown but under the guise of bargain hunting so there are no charges of assault with intent to do bodily harm.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> To watch a live version of kick boxing; act out masochist flights of fantasy; mingle with the masses; square off with the biggest and brightest of the retail kingdom; yield to the desire to do a beatdown but under the guise of bargain hunting so there are no charges of assault with intent to do bodily harm.


Maybe I need to look at this differently. Put on my in-line skates, pads and helmet... and go roller derby-ing through WalMart. Now that could fun!!! :rofl:


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Maybe I need to look at this differently. Put on my in-line skates, pads and helmet... and go roller derby-ing through WalMart. Now that could fun!!! :rofl:


Record this. I would love it.&#55357;&#56842;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Holland said:


> God there is nothing I hate more than going shopping with a man. I would rather eat my own head than wander the shops with a male of the species.


^^^ Dreamgirl Alert!

Capture and clone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Holland said:


> God there is nothing I hate more than going shopping with a man. I would rather eat my own head than wander the shops with a male of the species.


:iagree: QFT


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)




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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I will admit to having only experienced the "death ray" twice in my entire 14 year and counting relationship, and I think both of those were pre-marriage.

Can't relate OP. If I don't want to go shopping, I don't go shopping. Occasionally my wife puts on her cute little pitiful face, and I buckle, but those times aren't plentiful.

But I'll admit to being allergic to demanding, commanding people, so I'm just not equipped to handle those situations well. Because once the women in the OP started yapping at their husbands that would have just made me laugh and dig my heels in even deeper.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I have to say AP's husband has it down, but one technique to add:

If your woman ever holds out her purse to ask you to hold it:

Go ahead and take it, but immediately un-zip the top and start tipping it back and forth to get the contents to shift around. (Don't reach in, it looks unmanly.) 

Wait for her to ask, she will... Either a "what are you doing?" or a "what are you looking for?"

That's your opening to respond with "I'm looking for my balls. If you seriously think I'm going to sit here and hold your purse like a eunuch, you must have stolen them and are stashing them in here somewhere."

She's going to be pissed to a degree, but the reality is she's going to respect you for it.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> I have to say AP's husband has it down, but one technique to add:
> 
> If your woman ever holds out her purse to ask you to hold it:
> 
> ...


There are some things I simply will NOT do. Hmmmm....., sounds like a new thread...


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

There is a time when purse carrying is ok. I get weak spells physically and when my H notices he will take my purse from me to lighten my load.

But, if it is to be her shlepper, yea, no.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> There is a time when purse carrying is ok. I get weak spells physically and when my H notices he will take my purse from me to lighten my load.
> 
> But, if it is to be her shlepper, yea, no.


Your purse must weigh a ton.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Cyber Monday was made for guys like me. My wife knows my aversion to brick and mortar shopping and rarely asks me to tag along. Our finances are a shared commodity. We are both professionals, earn the same amount and so she does not need my permission. 

I feel for anyone having to endure shopping this time of year, you have my empathy, ugh. Happy Holidays.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

larry.gray said:


> I have to say AP's husband has it down, but one technique to add:
> 
> If your woman ever holds out her purse to ask you to hold it:
> 
> ...


I think it could be a fun private dance between two people. 

My husband does not like going to a mall on shopping expeditions but he will come with me when I ask. I don't ask often because I know he does not like it. But I like tat he will do it for me and that he will hold my packages and my pocketbook. I sneak looks at him sitting in a chair waiting for me surrounded by colorful shopping bags and my pocketbook in his lap, texting or reading. 

I think he looks so cute not ball-less. It makes me feel important that he does what many men will not do and what he does not do for anyone else - go shopping once in a while and hold my pocketbook. He gets to complain to his family and friends about what he endured. I make a big deal over him afterwards because I know what he has endured. It's kind of a joke between the two of us. 

He goes with me and then I get to pamper him like he went out hunting and gathering and got injured. It's my round about way of initiating, I don't have to come right out and jump him, I have a reason.  Anyway, it does something for me. You never know, maybe shopping means more to some woman than is apparent?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> My husband does not like going to a mall on shopping expeditions but he will come with me when I ask. I don't ask often because I know he does not like it. But I like tat he will do it for me and that he will hold my packages and my pocketbook. *I sneak looks at him sitting in a chair waiting for me surrounded by colorful shopping bags and my pocketbook in his lap, texting or reading.
> 
> I think he looks so cute not ball-less. *It makes me feel important that he does what many men will not do and what he does not do for anyone else - go shopping once in a while and hold my pocketbook. He gets to complain to his family and friends about what he endured. I make a big deal over him afterwards because I know what he has endured. It's kind of a joke between the two of us.
> 
> He goes with me and then I get to pamper him like he went out hunting and gathering and got injured. It's my round about way of initiating, I don't have to come right out and jump him, I have a reason.  Anyway, it does something for me. You never know, maybe shopping means more to some woman than is apparent?


That poor guy.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

thatbpguy said:


> Your purse must weigh a ton.


Not necessarily. I've got something going on with my health and I get extremely weak.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Not necessarily. I've got something going on with my health and I get extremely weak.


As does my daughter, so I do understand.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

thatbpguy said:


> Man I feel awful. The Men's Board of Regents suspended my man card and I hope to have back for the Duck game tomorrow, but I am in limbo over it all.


LOL - I feel for you. 

You can't negotiate in the absence of societal expectations. As long as both sides understand this, it's a win/win.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> LOL - I feel for you.
> 
> You can't negotiate in the absence of societal expectations. As long as both sides understand this, it's a win/win.


True.

But the good news is that I went before the review board and got m man card back. Told them I held my ground about eating dinner watching the Duck game and upon conformation I was restored.

Feels great!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> True.
> 
> But the good news is that I went before the review board and got m man card back. Told them I held my ground about eating dinner watching the Duck game and upon conformation I was restored.
> 
> Feels great!


Great job on the reinstatement! :smthumbup:

Now how about getting some of that pie? That part got me the most....


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Great job on the reinstatement! :smthumbup:
> 
> Now how about getting some of that pie? That part got me the most....


What got me was that she knows I don't care for pumpkin pie and she loves it. She, instead, grabbed the apple and finished it. Right it front of me. Had it been a dude I'd laid him out with a right left combo. She was really rubbing it in. Oh well, football started and I got to ignore her and say clever things as "uh-huh" all night.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Apple is my favorite too. Man! That is a terrible wound to recover from. How is she ever going to make it up?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Apple is my favorite too. Man! That is a terrible wound to recover from. How is she ever going to make it up?


I gave her a few suggestions.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

By hitting her knees


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> By hitting her knees


A few years ago I bought her some knee pads. She thought they were for painting. 

OK, OK, we _were _painting, but I reminded her they had many other uses. 

She continues to remind me immature men are her lot in life...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> By hitting her knees


Read my mind!:smthumbup:


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

thatbpguy said:


> That poor guy.


:rofl::rofl:
I wish he would read this thread, it is so funny, I'm sure he would agree with you. We need to go shopping for Christmas gifts. :circle:


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> :rofl::rofl:
> I wish he would read this thread, it is so funny, I'm sure he would agree with you. We need to go shopping for Christmas gifts. :circle:


Again, that poor guy....


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I gestured for my husband to hold my bag for me recently. He responded that he wasn't going to carry it 'Just think how this is from my perspective.' I shuffled the bag onto my shoulder instead. And it was then that I realized.... he's become immune to my Jedi ways!

I do most of my clothes shopping online now. It's rare that we shop together and we both dislike malls. I do have distant memories of times gone by, when he'd sit in the 'boyfriend chair' and wait patiently as I tried on outfits. In hindsight, I don't even know how he did that.

We've had a few trips to the hardware store of late. We get in, each with our mission in mind, then for efficiency we separate and meet up again at the check-out. For the most part, this seems to work and we move quicker. Also I get to dawdle without driving him nuts. 

thatbpguy - so now that my husband is immune to the ways of the Jedi, I need to know, what were the husbands doing while out shopping? I feel for you. You attempted a revolution and it fizzled before it began.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> I gestured for my husband to hold my bag for me recently. He responded that he wasn't going to carry it 'Just think how this is from my perspective.' I shuffled the bag onto my shoulder instead. And it was then that I realized.... he's become immune to my Jedi ways!
> 
> I do most of my clothes shopping online now. It's rare that we shop together and we both dislike malls. I do have distant memories of times gone by, when he'd sit in the 'boyfriend chair' and wait patiently as I tried on outfits. In hindsight, I don't even know how he did that.
> 
> ...



So I guess it would be wrong for me to make my gf carry my bags. JK. I don't mind the shopping for a guy, because I too like trying on clothes. Point me to Armani Express and Banana Republic and I am a content guy.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> thatbpguy - so now that my husband is immune to the ways of the Jedi, I need to know, what were the husbands doing while out shopping? I feel for you. You attempted a revolution and it fizzled before it began.


What do guys do? Me, I guess the boob size of ladies walking by.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> #&*[email protected]!!! Had my man card suspended today. Hopefully I can go before the review board and get it back quickly.


I thought I felt a stirring in the force across town the other day. Now I know what it was.

Buck up son, you're in Portland. Let your beard grow out, throw on a flannel shirt, and grab a micro-brew so dark a 500W light bulb doesn't shine through it and you'll be saying "Yes ma'am" with a smile on your face in no time.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> my wife convinced me to go to black friday on thursday.
> 
> nevertheless i got some new addidas out of it from her, so i came out of the deal good (i think :scratchhead.


So you were one of those people that required my daughter to leave our Thanksgiving gathering with both of her sets of grandparents, uncle from out of state, aunts and uncles from around town, and others to work a cash register at the altar of High Commercialism.

I may have lost all respect for you.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> I've tried some of those. She didn't loosen my leash one bit.


If you can't take the straight forward stance of "There's NO EFFING way you're getting me to go out shopping on this day." As I reach into my pocket, pull out $45 in cash and hand it to her while saying "Here is what you're going to save going out at midnight. If you were paid MINIMUM wage, you realize, you'd make more money than you're going to save tonight"...blah blah...you get the point.

Always refer to the old 101 ways to get kicked out of Walmart. And embarrass her.

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals
throughout the day.

4. Don't bother doing your own shopping. Simply find someone with a full trolley containing roughly the items you need, and when they are not looking take it and go pay for it at the checkout. (this is not stealing, they did not own the items yet, they were simply 'moving them around')

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit, then arrange them into erotic poses. (be creative with the gift-wrap tubes used in point 6).

9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly,
especially in thin aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I
think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off
and turn the volume up to full blast.

12. Re-enact a fatal incident involving the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen
you in so long." etc. See if they play along. Insist on calling them 'Bob', and if they protest, get angry about it (violent if necissary).

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself
loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!"

15. When you leave the store, try your car keys in the door of every car in the car park until you get to your own. Then drive off as if this is perfectly normal. (Note- if you don't actually own a car and walked to the store, attempt the above by substituting car keys with your house keys).

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are
taking it for a test drive.

17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet
behind them. Do this until they leave the store.

18. Ask if you can test some super-glue before buying it, then walk around the store gluing random items to other items/customers/staff. For added fun: See how many cashiers you can glue to each-other before any of them notice.

19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner say "BEEP" in a loud voice. Repeat this for every item, and for other customers items. If the cashier protests, kill them.


20. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and
when they say you didn't buy it there say "The customer is always right dammit!!" Make a scene.

21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you
will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other
aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,
"I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."

26. Climb things.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
upside down. Once you have mastered this, progress to "boobs".

29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and
say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

intheory said:


> The what?. . . . .


He is undoubtedly over 50.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

:rofl:


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Hilarious thread!!!!
> 
> I'm toasty warm in my home. *No urge to shop whatsoever*.
> 
> ...




OMG... You have no idea how HOT this sounds to me

I will never be able to retire with my wife's shopping habits.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

My GF looked at me Wednesday night and said "I dont know about you, but Im not going ANYWHERE for the next two days."

Almost jumped her bones right there in front of the kids...


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Yep, I still haven't set foot in a mall this shopping season  :smthumbup:

:rofl: @ convert... sorry!!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Thatbpguy Suspended!


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Almostrecovered said:


> Thatbpguy Suspended!


Is there some super secret section where members get all Satanic and evil. 
Ive modded at many other sites and I didnt see anything ban worthy here.
Unless the mods cleaned up afterwards.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

It was a different thread.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> It was a different thread.


Well the definition of "uppity" varies from board to board...


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I wasn't sure what would be done with it, but I found out


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The fWW knows to *NEVER* ask me to go anywhere if the Huskers or Steelers are playing, that's been established, unless the Huskers are losing, then I'm like "Let's go!" because I don't want to see their @sses getting kicked again. 

I don't mind shopping actually, because there's stuff I like checking out. Then I go sit in the food court in the mall where there's free wi-fi, or in the boyfriend chair in a department store, and use my Galaxy S4 to surf TAM, facebook, work email, ebay, or netflix. 

By the time the wife comes to pick me up, I'm like, "That was fast!". Thank God for smartphones. :smthumbup:

Before that, we'd hang out in the food court or sit in the chair with a little pocket novel.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> Thatbpguy Suspended!


WOW! Was just talking with him less than an hour ago?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

This cures the "hold my purse for me"
http://youtu.be/DuScm9FZPmQ


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Cletus said:


> I thought I felt a stirring in the force across town the other day. Now I know what it was.
> 
> Buck up son, you're in Portland. Let your beard grow out, throw on a flannel shirt, and grab a micro-brew so dark a 500W light bulb doesn't shine through it and you'll be saying "Yes ma'am" with a smile on your face in no time.


I does make you wonder why they don't have bars in malls, doesn't it? I might be willing to go along in that case. Especially if they have cute waitresses in skimpy outfits.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

intheory said:


> The what?. . . . .


I was already wondering about "alarm clock" before he got to "typewriter"

Do they still sell those?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> I does make you wonder why they don't have bars in malls, doesn't it? I might be willing to go along in that case. Especially if they have cute waitresses in skimpy outfits.


They do have bars in malls it's called TGI Fridays or Ruby Tuesdays or whatever mega chain eatery is slapped next to Macys, but fear not! There's beer there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> The fWW knows to *NEVER* ask me to go anywhere if the Huskers or Steelers are playing, that's been established, unless the Huskers are losing, then I'm like "Let's go!" because I don't want to see their @sses getting kicked again.
> 
> I don't mind shopping actually, because there's stuff I like checking out. Then I go sit in the food court in the mall where there's free wi-fi, or in the boyfriend chair in a department store, and use my Galaxy S4 to surf TAM, facebook, work email, ebay, or netflix.
> 
> ...


Im sure you cried like me when Bo was fired then? Tears of joy that is.

One area my wife is definitely wonderful in. Hell even my kids knew enough to be born AFTER the game on Sundays.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

thenub said:


> This cures the "hold my purse for me"
> http://youtu.be/DuScm9FZPmQ


:rofl: That is hilarious


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> So this morning the ladies wanted to know why we weren't getting our coats... and I told them to go and have a good time and we're staying here and chilling out.
> 
> OMF'infG!!!!
> 
> You would have thought I had just attacked the Pope with an aborted fetus or something. Seriously, they turned on us like a pack of ravenous wolves.


I think that sometimes they just don't want to see us do what we enjoy. Easy ladies, I said sometimes

So if that would have been me, after the beat down, I'd go and make them as miserable as hell. B!tch the whole time, I'd decide where we were eating lunch, not them, stand in one place and refuse to follow them around the clothing racks, etc.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> I've tried some of those. She didn't loosen my leash one bit.


*I feel ya brother. Sorry to rub your nose in it, but I'm glad I don't have to put up with that shyte anymore *


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

My wife worked at a clothing store for a while. It was a women's store. Invariably wives would drag their husbands in. But the store had a section in the front called a "Men Pen" where the husbands could sit and it had a TV tuned to a sports channel. Seemed to work out just fine.


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