# ladies with an emotional wall...plz help a man who LOVES his girlfriend....



## elwayfanatic (Nov 26, 2009)

hi all...im new here, but i am in desperate need of help on a sad TGiving morning. i will try to keep this short, but bear w me.

ive been w/my gf for 14 mo's now. in the beginning, she was emotionally available, affectionate, loving and sweet. well, due to MY past issues-(two divorces from emo. disconnected women and a penchant for being attracted to "fixer-upper women), i had my own baggage, and over the first 9 mo's it affected us. my insecurity and unresolved issues w my dad growing up, never really dealing w my moms sudden death 5 yrs ago, and all my exes and my internalized anger with them..and it took its toll. in July she wanted a "break", during which time i pulled my head from my a$$ and really did work on myself. seeing i was living my changes, we got back 2gether in Aug. im quite proud of myself for not being a "typical guy" and getting help. 

once we got back together, she told me she said she needed more "me time", and i have respected her out of love, and she fully admits i have done what she asked. well, since that time i still have noticed a slow emotional pull away. i know its partly due to my idiotic behavior in the past, but there is baggage on HER side as well. her are her MAIN issues:

1) a childhood where her dad was a drunk and a cheater and left them when she was barely a teen...forcing her to "play mom" to her two younger sibs as HER mom worked two jobs. she has ALWAYS been fiercely independant she says, and often has dealt w her probs by "just wanting to be alone", and often barricaded herself in her room. 

2) her divorce was finalized in July. now her situation w her ex. was diff. than most. as SHE describes it, "we didnt get divorced bec. we DIDNT love each other, we got div. bec. our life goals were MILES apart." they are still quite close and talk, and he comes over once in awhile to visit their 3 dogs. she swears that she has no "in love" feelings and i believe her-(altho i DIDNT early on, which was one of the things that ended up causing our "break". i addressed those things in therapy and conquered them i feel tho). she still lives in their old house, and i can tell that she is still struggling sometimes with the dream that didnt materalize. lets face it, we dont get married w the intent of divorcing, its SUPPOSED to be forever. they just decided it was better to div. BEFORE they hated each other, which is pretty damn mature! it would be easier for her im sure if she hated her exes like i did....closure comes MUCH quicker. 

3) her feelings of "never being good enough" for pretty much ANY of her exes, especially her ex husband. im the FIRST man who has made her feel good enough, and im proud of that!  

4) in her late 20s she "lost herself" in a guy for 7 yrs-(she's 39 now). one nite she came home and found all of her stuff packed up and he said "youre moving out". mind you, she'd moved 100 miles away from our hometown to be with this clown, and this event was @ 1 am and she had nowhere to go and no one to turn to. she'd TOTALLY let him control the rel. to the point where she didnt even know how to balance a checkbook!! she swore after she moved back home that she'd never allow herself to give her all to a man like that EVER again!

5) she lost her 20 yr+ BFF to cancer in aug. 08 and she still struggles daily, especially around the holidays. 

these are the events i feel have shaped her life, and how COULDN'T they??? so, fast fwd to this last monday. ive felt her pulling away recently again...and things had, i THOUGHT been great since we got back tog. in August, although i HAVE discussed w her in that time that her affection towards me has been sorely lacking-(hugs, kisses for no reason, sweet comments, the things that show you love someone). i went away for 4 days and before i left i joked that she would miss me. her response was "its ONLY four days." now maybe it's just me, but i feel in "normal relationships", you miss your man if he goes away like that. BUT, he ex traveled constantly, so shes USED to that empty house and not being w her mate all the time...so that could be why. she doesnt feel, or seem to be affected by, not seeing me for several days. 

so, let me tell you about whats up NOW in her life. her mother is becoming an alcoholic, her Nanny-(grandma) is infirmed in the hospital and likely will pass soon and has Alzheimers. her and her dad HAD been reconciling, and they actually spent the 08 holidays together, and things were going well....but then he dropped dead in Feb 09, which devastated her. she hates her job and two bigwigs are coming in soon to pretty much audit everything and check everything at the property she manages, which is VERY stressful in an already stressful job. she just went through a 3 month kitchen remodel and a horrifyingly botched refinance that took 3 months!!!-(never use Bank of America!!!) as i stated before, her divorce just was final in July. and to top it off, here we are at Thanksgiving and she will have two less family members who she loves dearly around-( her dad and Nanny). plus, SHE i hosting this yr, and im sure that is stressing her w the prep, as she is a perfectionist! her brother is in from Chicago and is staying with her as well, so having to clean that whole huge house and make dinner...well... think her plate has been full. 

so, monday we talk on the phone after not seeing her for 4 days. obviously i could feel the pull away. it finally comes out...she tells me she loves me and to please believe that, and i ask "but are you IN love with me". she said "honey, of COURSE i am. but what i dont understand is why, after 14 months, im not giving you ALL of me emotionally and time-wise. i dont know WHAT'S holding me back, and i need some time to sort out my feelings and figure out WHY." she then went on to tell me HOW amazing i am, that she knows and i prove everyday how i am emo. there for her and support her, that i have done everything she's asked me to do and due to that can see HOW MUCH i love her. even tho she didnt bring it up, our sexual relationship is fiery and fueled with passion that NEITHER of us have ever experienced, so i factor that in as well. she commented that my changes since July are obvious, and that this has NOTHING to do with me or anything ive done. i asked her if she wanted to end the rel. and she immediately said, in an animated voice, "NO honey, i am NOT ready to do that yet...i just need time to think about things". also, her sister had suggested last weekend that maybe she was just not ready for a relationship, and that has been stuck in her head. so....i told her i would back off and give her time....which is KILLING me today...i want to be with my gf and her family on fricking TGiving!!! the last thing i said to her on the phone was to seriously consider in this time apart if she can REALLY picture her life without me, and i told her i want her to REALLY think hard as she looks at the TGiving table and consider how it feels that im NOT there with her. i think that's pretty powerful brain food, and i pray to God it affects her. i dont mean to sound selfish...TRUST me, i have so much empathy for her losses of family today...but i HAD to put that in her mind.

ladies.....please help me....i just am at a loss. im not like other guys...i give affection and i love you's freely, send flowers, give cards and always make sure she feels important. i balance it by NOT being a big wussy tho...i am a strong man with a gentle heart, thats all. ive been told im a "dying breed", which makes her question wanting to be with me even MORE frustrating! arent i the guy that 90% of woiman DREAM of??? 

please, someone give me some hope...i SO need some. i have many opinions on WHY she is how she is and why this is happening, but as you can see, i have left them out of the above bec. i dont want to bias anyones opinion. thank you and Happy TGiving!!


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## elwayfanatic (Nov 26, 2009)

someone....anyone???


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

You're situation is obviously pretty complicated. but you probably knew that. 

One thing though, you said you have been together 14 months, but her divorce was final in July. were you together while she was married? Where you married at the time you dated her? 

You mentioned that you married emotionally detached women. I think you found another one. You might want to find out why you like emotionally distant women.


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