# 6 months since d-day and i feel much worse



## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

I havent posted on here for a while as i wanted to give 100% devotion to my marriage, but 6 months down the line, im feeling so much worse than i did back then. Time has made me take a good look at things and now the reality of it all has hit home. Im sitting here in work reading about how i must grieve the loss of my old marriage and i now understand thats exactly what i have been doing. Bar the last few weeks, our marriage has gone from strength to strength, but the last few weeks i have sunk into a really bad depression that i cant seem to shake. I mull things over in my head almost constantly and question everything he does. I feel like a paranoid lunatic half the time and the other half of the time im feeling so sad that this happened. I just want to get to the point of where i can forgive him and move past it, just a little. 
Something that i think is hindering that is 1 month after d day my husband was prescribed anti depressants as he has taken all this very very bad too and his unbelievable guilt and remorse took over and he couldnt cope. He was suffering daily panic attacks too. But it seems like the attention has been on him for ages now and even i have focused more on him than on myself. He's a lot happier now than he was, but at the cost of the tablets affecting him in other ways. Our sex life has almost completely deminished due to his lack of sex drive and of course little paranoid me thinks he no longer finds me attractive! He does a lot for me too, and we do talk about our relationship a lot, but im starting to bottle my feelings again and i dont know why. 
Sometimes i feel like leaving, i know i wont, because i love him with all my heart, but staying sometimes feels like the harder option. My mind races still with images of them together and i dont know how to get rid of them. 
any advice anyone can give me i'd be so grateful
thanks for reading


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

honeybum said:


> I havent posted on here for a while as i wanted to give 100% devotion to my marriage, but 6 months down the line, im feeling so much worse than i did back then. Time has made me take a good look at things and now the reality of it all has hit home. Im sitting here in work reading about how i must grieve the loss of my old marriage and i now understand thats exactly what i have been doing. Bar the last few weeks, our marriage has gone from strength to strength, but the last few weeks i have sunk into a really bad depression that i cant seem to shake. I mull things over in my head almost constantly and question everything he does. I feel like a paranoid lunatic half the time and the other half of the time im feeling so sad that this happened. I just want to get to the point of where i can forgive him and move past it, just a little.
> Something that i think is hindering that is 1 month after d day my husband was prescribed anti depressants as he has taken all this very very bad too and his unbelievable guilt and remorse took over and he couldnt cope. He was suffering daily panic attacks too. But it seems like the attention has been on him for ages now and even i have focused more on him than on myself. He's a lot happier now than he was, but at the cost of the tablets affecting him in other ways. Our sex life has almost completely deminished due to his lack of sex drive and of course little paranoid me thinks he no longer finds me attractive! He does a lot for me too, and we do talk about our relationship a lot, but im starting to bottle my feelings again and i dont know why.
> Sometimes i feel like leaving, i know i wont, because i love him with all my heart, but staying sometimes feels like the harder option. My mind races still with images of them together and i dont know how to get rid of them.
> any advice anyone can give me i'd be so grateful
> thanks for reading


Recovery takes years for some people. We are nearly two years from d-day, and I still have trouble with mind movies. I try to distract myself with pleasant thoughts and activities. In the beginning that was not possible, but it has gotten somewhat easier.My H has taken ownership of his actions and that helps. Some anti depressants are less inhibiting to the libido, and I would advise your H to discuss that with his MD. They are generally not meant for long term use in the general population either. If the medication is having a negative effect on your recovery and relationship, it is actually doing more harm than good. You are the one who has suffered the greatest injury and you are the one needing the attention, and it sounds to me like your H has checked into la la land and left you high and dry.No wonder you feel frustrated, he needs to man up and help you recover from the damage he has caused.


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

I think you are right. He has become slightly self obsessed, always talking about himself and how hes feeling much better and positive. He has made changes and things ae getter better everyday, but im always left feeling "well what about me? thats great you feel better, but i dont!" im fed up feeling so sad and paranoid


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

This is about the time that it got rougher on me as a BS. The 6 month mark. My WW had started to get over everything because guilt is easy to push aside. Her sudden lack of attention to the issue started making me feel somewhat abondoned.....although I know that was not her intension.

I just had to start dealing with my feelings more on my own. She still helps me....just not like she was. It is enough. I want her to heal also so im ok now at 9 months. Just had to change my attitude a little.

As for the lack of sex.....that needs to be fixed. Im a guy who cannot take SSRI's without my sex drive being completly obliterated. I tried a couple and then ended up on Welbutrin. That is an older drug that does not work as well for me, but does not mess with my sex drive. It also has the side effect of helping to quit smoking which is a plus.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

i dont think its his intension either. The feelings are all me. he is up for talking about it whenever i want, i just feel like i have hit a brick wall and not sure of where to go from here. i love him so much and dont want to lose him but i feel like im pushing him away.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Hang in there. I'm starting to hear more and more about this time period that is rough on BS's.

You sound a lot like me. We just need to hang in there and understand that our feeling will be different than our spouse. Guilt is a lot different than hurt.


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

some days its like we have forgotten about it and life just seems "normal" again doing day to day stuff but still laughing etc and then i realise and i think hold on its far from normal or why are we just getting on as if nothings happened?


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

You are having good days together and forgetting about the affair (even briefly) because you are going about your daily life and you enjoy each other’s company. This is proof that there is life beyond an affair. You can be happy.

I used to count the days since D-Day. I would say stupid stuff like, “I’ve had the worst day of my life….for 93 days in a row”. Eventually that all ended. We started having more good days and less bad days. I stopped counting a long time ago.

Sure some days are bad… Can’t avoid that. But our communication is so good lately that we move past it. And I can honestly say that I have had many, many days that have been better than before the affair.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Honey--have you considered seeing an IC? Or getting on anti-depressants if your depression persists?? 

Get some sunlight, join a gym, exercise, buy some new underwear, treat yourself to a massage/mani/pedi.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> buy some new underwear.


This made me laugh a little. But actually it may help with self image and getting your hubby fired up.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LOL. 

It's not even about firing HIM up. 

I generally think that women feel sexier/better when they have nice panties on.  Makes the whole day better.


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

lol!!! i think a lot has to do with my self asteem too. it was real low bedore the affair due to weight gain after pregnancy and i have put on more in last few months as im a comfort eater. im not huge but i sont feel attractive or sexy. my husband tells me all the time that i am but i dont believe him. i think youre right jelly, i need to get myself out there and start working on myself! i do need some new undies all the same! lol


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Start changing your diet and get to exercising. You WILL feel loads better when you do that. And new undies make the world go round


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## Tullip (Apr 21, 2011)

Hi. 
I'm 2 yrs out and I still have some BAD days  I guess its the nature of the beast. Some days I feel like we have had made it through the worse of times and happier than I have ever been(in yrs, including prior to affair) and some days, I feel like running for the hills. I'm still haunted by the ghost of the affair and realize it is something that has changed our life forever. I will never look at my husband the way i use to, but I have mourned our old marriage and have been trying embrace our new one. 
As much as it still affects me, it still affects my husband. Just the other day he said to me that everyday he is faced with the reality of what happened btw us. 
Honestly, I dont know if I will ever fully recover from his hurt, but I cannot let it get in the way of my everyday life....especially since we have a 5yr old. 
Good luck, and each day will get easier....i can almost promise you


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

that gives me hope tullip thanks. I also think its something that i will never fully get over. I have known this man since we were 13 and together since we were 15,we are now in our mid 30's, and its really hard seing him in a different light other than my special childhood sweetheart. We also have a 5 year old and are talking of having another one. Will just have to try harder and stay positive and not let myself become obsessed with negative thoughts


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## Tullip (Apr 21, 2011)

It's sad when we no longer look at our spouses the way we use too, but I suppose in some way we are better off. We are older now and not so naive. Pre-affair my husband was on a pedalstal and now he is barely on a coffee table...lol. It just proves that noone is perfect nor should it be expected that we are. We just celebrated our 10th anniversary but we have been together for 15.
We separated for 1 yr. he moved out and ironically(or not) did not continue his relationship with OW. During that yr apart I dated and realized, everyone has their "stuff/baggage" and the grass is not always greener. My husband is extremely remorseful for how he hurt me, and has truly changed on some many levels. Our marriage is no longer the same, but that is actually a good thing!! I was miserable and didnt even realize it. 
There is a great book I just finished reading "MARRIAGE CONFIDENTIAL" By Pamel Haa. She uses humor and real stories about marriages. Especially about having children changes EVERYTHING. Alot of my 30 something yr old friends have read & loved this book. It makes you realize you are not alone. 
Please keep in touch and let me know how things work out.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes --one never does see someone the same after cheating. 

I remember when I first discovered exH's profile online soliciting sex over internet dating sites... He told me "I am glad you found out. So you won't think I am so perfect anymore."

The f*ck?! To this day, that response astounds me.


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

thanks tullipi, its lovely to speak to someone who knows. will def look out for that book. Mhubby has changed too in many ways which is good and we are getting stonger, i just need to shake myself up a bit and realise i decided to stay with him for a bloody good reason! we love each other and we want to make it work!


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