# Cheating



## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Hello, my husband of 9 yrs has asked for a divorce. I still love him even though he’s been cheating for months now. We have a 5yr old and I’m trying to come to terms that our marriage is over. I have panic attacks, can’t eat or sleep, just trying to take care of my kids (I also have 2 from a previous marriage) and keep working.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

there are I believe 5 stages in getting over a relationship , in the same way as the death of a loved one ,
first you don't believe it is true and you would deal with the devil or anything just to get that person back 
then you get on the road to recovery, There’s no magic potion for recovery after a divorce, and everyone deals with the stress of separation differently
Being married is about a partnership, and it can be difficult to see yourself outside of that framework. However, if you take time to consider yourself as a single unit rather than constant compromise, it may be easier to embrace your new life. Think about who you are and what gifts you bring to the world. Make a list of your positive attributes. 
Life is busy; try to make time for yourself each day, and, when you do, look outside of your circumstances. 
you have 3 kids to think of as well as working out the divorce .where you will live and cost of living ,


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> there are I believe 5 stages in getting over a relationship , in the same way as the death of a loved one ,
> first you don't believe it is true and you would deal with the devil or anything just to get that person back
> then you get on the road to recovery, There’s no magic potion for recovery after a divorce, and everyone deals with the stress of separation differently
> Being married is about a partnership, and it can be difficult to see yourself outside of that framework. However, if you take time to consider yourself as a single unit rather than constant compromise, it may be easier to embrace your new life. Think about who you are and what gifts you bring to the world. Make a list of your positive attributes.
> ...


Thank you Frenchpaddy. I am very grateful for advice.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

What are you losing? A cheater.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I am so sorry. You may love him but he clearly no longer loves you. 

Panic attacks are tough. Do you know the technique to calm yourself? Take a deep breath. Focus on 5 things you can see; 4 things you can touch; 3 things you can hear; 2 things you can smell & 1 thing you can taste. Doing this will ground you. It will distract & refocus you, slowing your heart & breathing so you can get a grip. 

Start making lists & plans -- lawyers, finances, movers etc.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

OP,

This isn't about love. Love isn't enough.

Hell, I still love my lying cheating ex-husband and I loved him when I divorced him when I found out he was cheating on me.

Was it difficult? Yes and no.

Yes in that I loved him, he was my best friend, I wanted and expected to grow old with him etc. I was a mess, for a few years, going to counseling, crying easily and often, in front of others, even at work etc.

But, the moment I discovered he was cheating, I knew he and I were through, that I was divorcing him even though I loved him.

Love is not enough. It never has been and it never will be.

Many love people who aren't good for them as love is funny that way.

My ex-husband cheated and the fact that I loved him like crazy didn't factor into it at all for me as he cheated, so I divorced him right away.

Oh, it wasn't easy as we had 3 young children all under 10 years old and I hadn't worked since we began having children and our oldest was 9 years old.

So, I had no job, hadn't worked in a long time and we had 3 young children. I still divorced him immediately, even though I loved him.

I couldn't trust him, he proved that to me.

I lost respect for him due to what he intentionally, knowingly chose to do to our family, to our children, to our extended families and to me.

I won't be anyone's plan B, ever. Someone else was important enough to him emotionally and physically and that meant he and I were done with.

Again, it hurt like hell. I was a mess for years, a complete wreck at times. It was difficult, what I was experiencing, what I went through. 

But it wasn't hard for me to know I was divorcing him. He. Cheated. So of course I was divorcing him and the fact that I loved him like crazy didn't factor into what I knew I had to do, was going to do and what I did do.

He put another lady above me, so we were done.


Love is wonderful, I'm all for it. I'm a big fan of it.

But so much more than love is necessary in a relationship.


Here is a blurb about love not being enough from an article online.

*Love is great. Love is necessary. Love is beautiful. But love is not enough. 

In our culture, many of us idealize love. We see it as some lofty cure-all for all of life’s problems. Our movies and our stories and our history all celebrate it as life’s ultimate goal, the final solution for all of our pain and struggle. And because we idealize love, we overestimate it. As a result, our relationships pay a price.

When we believe that “all we need is love,” then like Lennon, we’re more likely to ignore fundamental values such as respect, humility, and commitment towards the people we care about. After all, if love solves everything, then why bother with all the other stuff—all of the hard stuff?

But if, like Reznor, we believe that “love is not enough,” then we understand that healthy relationships require more than pure emotion or lofty passions. We understand that there are things more important in our lives and our relationships than simply being in love. And the success of our relationships hinges on these deeper and more important values.*


The fact that I loved my ex-husband didn't matter when I knew my ex-husband didn't respect me enough and have the commitment to me and to us that was necessary. Our relationship together required more than love. Yes, love was still there, but the other things weren't when I found out he had cheated.

Love isn't enough to stay with someone in a relationship. So much more is required in addition to love.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Lostinthelight sorry you are going through all of this. You sound quite young. It is very hard but you will get through this and will meet someone who is worthy of you. You need to start getting your ducks in a row so that your divorce does not disadvantage you. Get yourself a good lawyer. Do not do the pick me dance with your STBXWH. Tell all your family and friends what he has done and that he has cheated and is asking for a divorce. Get STD tested for yourself and join a support group for women.
You can get through the pain, day by day it will lessen. Take care of your kid and be the best mum you can be.


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## AdeleCom (6 mo ago)

So sorry to hear that - it must be very hard. It must difficult to hear that he want the divorce, to think that he cheated while your heart has still love for this person..


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

I have been through this about 13 or so years ago, but without kids. The DV and finding about the cheating was the last blow and really drove me to just plain divorce. It hurt because it was someone I grew up with from adolescent, but I'm glad it's over because I started my life with someone else years later and it was not easy. It took a lot of work for me to heal first for about 6 to 7 years, before I started opening up to seeing someone and dating around.


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