# Respect



## tforty1851

Hi. I posted a thread before this and was reading other threads and have a question. Seeing how my marriage is going, I think we have both lost respect for each other. It is sad to say. I think I lost respect for him because of his constant yelling and how he deals with things. I have learned to only see one side (mine) and not his. He was gone a lot for the Navy and I was the one who kept the household and family while he was gone. He was the one working and doesn't know how things went. I am not justifing the way I handle it, but I want to for once be honest. I think he lost respect for me by my constant nagging on him about the way he does things. I was hard on him about not remembering things or not listening to me and not spending time with me (he has ADD) and I am sorry, but I wanted attention. I am not staisfied with how he is. I am just not any more.

But, how do I get past this selfishness (because I didn't get what I want) and start respecting again? At least on my part. When we first married I like the fact that I did respect him as a person. I would never hurt him. But how do I go back and respect again when we have been in this pattern for a long time? I think I need to go back and learn how a man thinks. Cause after 13 years I have forgotten. We have been so wrapped up in our kids and the hard times in life that we have forgotten about our marriage. And with all the hard times that he is going through, should I wait until the hard times pass to work on our marriage? Cause he doesn't see that it is hurting me.


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## Dellia

I know that so many times in your situation, BOTH parties are stubborn, and waiting for the other one to make the first moves and to be the giver. This is no time to be stubborn. I understand, it IS hard, when you feel hurt and resentful, to be the one to make the first moves and do the giving, but you cannot let pride stand in your way. Is it really worth it to fight and be miserable and maybe divorced because of stubbornness? No, it's not. 
You have to make the first move and BE the spouse that you want.
Be everything that you want him to be, give all that you want him to give. Show him what a wonderful wife and woman that you really are. What do you have to lose? But be stubborn and cling to your resentment and you have everything to lose.
Decide what has worth to you. Your marriage and husband? What good will it do to be stubborn if you're left divorced and alone? What will you have proven?
Make a list of all the things you love about your husband. Think of all that is good about him. Think on any happy and loving times, in the past. Brag on him. Compliment him. Give him patience and a bit of slack and all that you would love for him to give to you. 
Respect will return as the 2 of you grow closer. But you HAVE to let go of resentment. That is a deadly thing, I know, and a marriage and your sanity cannot survive under resentment.


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## DanF

tforty, how long was your husband in the Navy? Did he retire? At what rank? What does he do now?
Believe me, all these questions are relevant. You can pm me if you think it will reveal too much.
I am retired Navy, but I need to know more before I weigh in with a theory.


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## Tall Average Guy

Dellia said:


> I know that so many times in your situation, BOTH parties are stubborn, and waiting for the other one to make the first moves and to be the giver. This is no time to be stubborn. I understand, it IS hard, when you feel hurt and resentful, to be the one to make the first moves and do the giving, but you cannot let pride stand in your way. Is it really worth it to fight and be miserable and maybe divorced because of stubbornness? No, it's not.
> You have to make the first move and BE the spouse that you want.
> Be everything that you want him to be, give all that you want him to give. Show him what a wonderful wife and woman that you really are. What do you have to lose? But be stubborn and cling to your resentment and you have everything to lose.
> Decide what has worth to you. Your marriage and husband? What good will it do to be stubborn if you're left divorced and alone? What will you have proven?
> Make a list of all the things you love about your husband. Think of all that is good about him. Think on any happy and loving times, in the past. Brag on him. Compliment him. Give him patience and a bit of slack and all that you would love for him to give to you.
> Respect will return as the 2 of you grow closer. But you HAVE to let go of resentment. That is a deadly thing, I know, and a marriage and your sanity cannot survive under resentment.


One way to help is to change yourself into the type of person and spouse that you want to be. Don't do it for him, but do it for yourself. You are not giving in, or playing the fool. Rather, you are working to be the best person and wife that you can be. Hopefully, your husband will see this and react positively. If not, you are still working on yourself and the benefits that come with that.


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