# Help, We are still new and young but sex has decreased recently.



## Envoy06 (Nov 30, 2011)

Well, I have been reading the forums for some time and thought I would post up for advice. Sometimes I think of myself as just being neurotic or "thinking too much" in my relationship but I just cant help it and looking for advice!

First off, she is 23 and I am 28. Our first couple months in the relationship were so much more physically intimate and hot. We just got engaged recently, we are very much in love and our relationship is great but the sex seems to be missing attention in the last couple months. She is the girl of my dreams but I just want to keep the fire and connection between us great.

The first couple months of our relationnship, we were going at it almost 5 days a week. Sometimes she would even initiate it (she had even woken me up at 2AM once to get it on which was awesome) but as of late things have changed to once a week, sometimes maybe twice. The nice thing is that our communication is great, we have openly discussed this issue and she has said she wishes she was more driven as before but then nothing changes. When it comes to the times when I want to get it on she gives reasons such as "I'm just too tired, I'm stressed, or I'm not feeling sexy" I understand that these are good excuses sometimes but damn, even on days where she is in a great mood and seems happy I try to initiate some sex in bed and she just says she isnt in the mood and to wait until another night. I tell her we are too young to be like this and we should be going at each other like crazy, but she says she cant help it. She says that since we have started classes again (we are both in college) and work she is just too stressed and not thinking about sex at all but once she is done with school things will go back to normal. I always wonder, is this true? Will she become de-stressed when her time is free and get her high libido back or will the future have more stresses in store? She used to have a sex drive that kept up with me but lately it just isnt there and I feel myself wanting to have sex her so much is almost a problem? I feel like I do everything I can to make her happy and make her life easier but it doesn't help ease her mind or make her want to do anything. I dont know what to do?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband and I have been married 12 years, together 13. Those first few years I use to turn hubby down. He never once got angry nor expressed how important sex was to him. My husband is always putting my needs before his. He was very patient. Our sex frequency changed quite a bit over the years. Those early years were exhausting and much less frequent. We were both working full time and starting a family. We were exhausted and sometimes I was just not in the mood. Our lowest frequency was 2-3 times a month in the earlier years when we were both exhausted raising three young children.

I had no clue what I was doing to my husband when I rejected him. It wasn't until recently(when my drive hit full force) what it felt like wanting/needing sex all the time.(I'm now in my mid 30's) I did a lot of research online a few months ago reading up how sex effects men and I apologized to my husband for all the past rejections. He was so sweet and said I never did anything wrong. Sometimes it couldn't be helped, I broke my neck and those first two years after were very tough until I found better doctors to treat my pain. My husband for the last 13 years has always put my needs before his. 

My husband is also very kind and affocinate to me. He has always put a lot of effort into our marriage and raising our children. I realized he was meeting my needs and I wasn't meeting his. A few months back I took over and I initiate frequently or let him know that I'm ready to go whenever he is ready. I'm grateful his drive is still as strong as it was 13 years ago. I really wish I knew how important it was to him during our less frequent times. However, I'm very grateful my husband is a very patient man.

You wife probably doesn't truly understand how important this is for you. I hope she comes around for you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Absence makes the heart go fonder. A woman cant really be taking it all the time. Her body is specially made to have a rest from it for a week!


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## Envoy06 (Nov 30, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> My husband and I have been married 12 years, together 13. Those first few years I use to turn hubby down. He never once got angry nor expressed how important sex was to him. My husband is always putting my needs before his. He was very patient. Our sex frequency changed quite a bit over the years. Those early years were exhausting and much less frequent. We were both working full time and starting a family. We were exhausted and sometimes I was just not in the mood. Our lowest frequency was 2-3 times a month in the earlier years when we were both exhausted raising three young children.
> 
> I had no clue what I was doing to my husband when I rejected him. It wasn't until recently(when my drive hit full force) what it felt like wanting/needing sex all the time.(I'm now in my mid 30's) I did a lot of research online a few months ago reading up how sex effects men and I apologized to my husband for all the past rejections. He was so sweet and said I never did anything wrong. Sometimes it couldn't be helped, I broke my neck and those first two years after were very tough until I found better doctors to treat my pain. My husband for the last 13 years has always put my needs before his.
> 
> ...


I do understand that women typically do not have the drive as most men but how can we take a break when we really aren't doing all that much? Last night she knew something was bothering me so I kinda just explained my feelings to her as I have done before and basically told her I was tired of having the same conversation over and over. Every few weeks I tell her that I have needs and wants and I am not getting the attention I want. After every convo about this she says she will try and "get back to the way things were" and start trying more but nothing changes, and I told her this is my frustration. Sometimes she will make sexual comments or hint about us getting it on later but then when the time comes, she will make a reason why she doesn't want to anymore which really sucks because I get excited but just teased. She said she really does want her sex drive back to how it used to be but she just can't help it right now so I don't know what she can do to start getting more aroused or in the mood?? I know someone can't force themselves to be aroused but even when I try to be spontaneous or take charge like she says she likes, I always get turned down so I feel rejected and don't even want to try anymore. I just don't know what to do to be more appealing and make her want me more and it really bothers me. I am tired of the excuse of stress or being tired because I am a very busy person myself but I am constantly doing favors and little things to make her happy that sometimes I don't want to do myself but I know it makes her happy but I am satisfying all of her needs and not being pleased or satisfied myself  Its aggravating and embarrassing and I feel I am too young to have to beg my wife for sex...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Envoy06 said:


> she is just too stressed and not thinking about sex at all but once she is done with school things will go back to normal. I always wonder, is this true? Will she become de-stressed when her time is free and get her high libido back or is she just saying that? She used to have a sex drive that kept up with me but lately it just isnt there and I feel myself wanting to have sex with her almost every day (as most men do). I feel like I do everything I can to make her happy and make her life easier but it doesn't help ease her mind or make her want to do anything. I dont know what to do?


Envoy,
the answer to your question is that mixing finances, having children, getting a dog, buying a home together and worrying about paying for it, and getting older will all *cause her stress level to increase and her libido to decrease*. So, as you move forward, this thought process she has will get WORSE and not better. 

And once you have the kids and a house together you will feel way more trapped and miserable than you do now. This is not a good way to live your life. It will dominate your thoughts.

What I recommend and you are going to think this is extreme, is to tell her that you cannot go through with the marriage due to the sex issue. Tell her that you love her deeply and that you desire more than anything in this world to marry her, but that your future marriage has to be sex filled. And that you as her future husband will move mountains to meet her emotional needs all she needs to do is communicate what they are. But you have to give her a timeline for this to be fixed while you and she cancel your wedding reservations and plans. She needs to know that this is a non negotiable deadly serious issue to you.

The purpose of saying this is not to instantaneously break up but to force her to come up with the ability to prioritize her marital and sexual relationship over her daily stresses. This will help you in the present and will make your utimate marriage far stronger and happier to BOTH of you. And, this elevation of your need for sexual fulfillment needs to be maintained in your marriage.


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## Envoy06 (Nov 30, 2011)

I don't think there is any way I could ever say that to her. I cannot even fathom what her response would be If I told her I would break off the marriage plans due to sex, because i dont want to and I think that would have horrible results. I am trying to be as collected and smart about this as I can but that solution really is kind of drastic for me. I have wondered if the future stresses of marriage will cause things to fall back to how they are now and I really don't to think that I could be in this position of being unhappy and satisfied. It just makes me feel immature or embarrassed that sex is such a big deal for me and I don't know the proper way to communicate that it is and that's what makes me feel loved and connected. I'm sorry I can't help that is how my mind and body works I wish I could lower my sex drive and tension but that is not the case. Its just frustrating because my fiance is wonderful and she used to always be so great at filling my wants and needs but things have just changed and I'm not coping well 
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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Envoy, I know you think it is drastic. But what you must realize is that you should not be embarrassed about your need for sex. It is very real, and the pain you feel is very deep on a core emotional level. And, this will not get better. Project that pain for 5,10,20 years. Read up on this board about the pain and misery of a sexless marriage. You have been given a great gift. This issue is solvable and presented itself before marriage.

What you have to understand is that a man feels loved by a woman who gives him sex, but a woman does not feel loved by a man who wants to have sex with her. Why? Because every man your fiance ever met wanted to have sex with her. The reason you feel loved by your fiance is that every girl you ever met, you wanted to have sex with, but very few "gave in". It's critical that you understand that your own feelings are real and will not go away. It's also critical to understand that your wife does not value sexual fulfillment in the way you do.

The question you must ask yourself is are you willing to be in a marriage where you work hard to meet your wife's needs, but she does not have to work hard to meet yours. You have to define the type of marriage you want to have for the long hall. Anyone in a successful marriage will tell you that there has to be give and take on both sides. You cannot ignore your own important needs for the sake of keeping your spouse happy. It surely cuases the marriage to break down.

So thinking into your future, you have to create the rules for a happy future together now. Read the entirety of what I recommend saying, because it's important to include the fact that you absolutely want to marry her, express total confidence that she can fix this, offer her some time to think it over, and let her understand that you will work at meeting her important needs.


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## Envoy06 (Nov 30, 2011)

Well I am feeling anxious and nervous but I guess it's time to man up and stop beating around the bush with my conversations. The truth is that I do feel loved when we have great physical intimacy (for whatever reason, maybe it's just being a man) but the changes in our sex life have made me feel rejected or unwanted which causes tension. I have tried to do this before but I don't think I have really made her understand how I feel very well. Believe me, I know the love i have is much deeper and far beyond the physical connection or sexual activity but I really need this element to be present to be entirely happy as weird or crazy as some may think that is. Luckily for me, my fiancé is a wonderful and intelligent woman who I think will listen to my confessions or concerns, whatever you want to call it, and hopefully we can think of a good way to address this issue...I really feel like there is a good compromise or solution that will help us work through this struggle of mine.
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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

One more point.
During the conversation it will go bad. She will assign the wrong motives to what you say. She will tell you you are a selfish jerk. She will try to talk you out of your own emotions as being valid (since I can see you are already quetioning the validity of your feelings). She will give you sob stories about why this must be so. When she does this express to her that you understand her point of view, and then restate your point of view how you are built this way, and sexual fulfillment is important to you and will never change. If you don't want to call off your engagement you should certaintly be clear that she needs to make a choice because you are not capable of feeling any different and she has to be sure about what she is getting into. Don't expect to resolve things during the conversation. Once you communicate your points, don't dwell on this. Go on to something else and be open to interacting with her. Once she goes off and thinks about what you said, I expect you will see some changes pretty quick.


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## rotor (Aug 28, 2010)

Envoy06,

You have been given the gift of seeing your future. I would urge you to read some of the sexless marriage stories which are in abundance on this and other boards and decide for yourself if this sort of lonely existence is for you because I can promise you that this situation WILL NOT GET BETTER after marriage. 

Hicks advice is right on the money. The only thing I will add to it (Which is something that usually takes guys years to figure out.) is to put very little stock in her words. Instead be ultra observant of her actions as this will always tell you the real story. 


Regards,

rotor


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

Do you help her out as much as you can to help ease her stress when it's just the two of you? Do you do nonsexual touches as well? My hubby didn't and it bothered me a lot, every time he touched me it was to initiate sex and he'd go right foe the goods. I told him how much I missed just holding each other and kissing and that he wasn't giving me the four play that he used to. Be listened and my drive returned quickly. I work 22and part-time jobs, attend school full-time and we have 3 boys. It can get better but women are very emotional and need more than just grabbing her a**, boobs, or vagina and expecting her to be turned on. Patience and talking will help but you need to figure out what your missing and what she needs to feel sexual. Yes, spontaneity is great but you've got to preheat the oven too!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Envoy06 (Nov 30, 2011)

LBG said:


> Do you help her out as much as you can to help ease her stress when it's just the two of you? Do you do nonsexual touches as well? My hubby didn't and it bothered me a lot, every time he touched me it was to initiate sex and he'd go right foe the goods. I told him how much I missed just holding each other and kissing and that he wasn't giving me the four play that he used to. Be listened and my drive returned quickly. I work 22and part-time jobs, attend school full-time and we have 3 boys. It can get better but women are very emotional and need more than just grabbing her a**, boobs, or vagina and expecting her to be turned on. Patience and talking will help but you need to figure out what your missing and what she needs to feel sexual. Yes, spontaneity is great but you've got to preheat the oven too!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh, i help her put plenty and she addresses this and know i do evrrything i can to ease her stress. I run errands, help clean, help eith school stuff, anything i can but it just doesnt seem to help the issue at all which is also frustrating. There is plenty of affection and I'm not always just trying to initiate sex. Every night we lay together and unwind or cuddle or something. I do not constantly grope her. I think the one thing that might annoy her is the comments I make when she is dressing or out of the shower but dammit I can't help that she is gorgeous an sexy!! Some of the replies or this forum bother me saying that this is guaranteed to be a sexless marriage and this will not change because I think there are solutions to the issue so I'm my so quick to jump on the "run away" train.
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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Envoy, I'm really hoping you read carefully what I am telling you, because I did not say "run away". Postponing the engagement and running away are two totally different things. You do need to make her understand that this is a deal breaker for you. If she becomes non sexual now, and you "allow" it, then 100% guaranteed this will develop into the pattern for your life. Because of what I said earlier about how women value sexuality you have to realize this is true of a great many women that slip into a non sexual mode unless their man literally makes it impossible for her to stay non sexual and stay with him. Really what you need to do is offer her the choice to be sexual with you, for life, or let she herself realize that you are not the person for her and marriage is not for her.


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