# I want a divorce, but don't know how to confront husband



## lifeissweet (Jan 5, 2012)

I married my husband to get away from my family when I was 18 and he was 24. Bad idea, I know. I was young and dumb, I thought I could get out after awhile but ended up pregnant with twins and then another child after that. I became financially dependent and I was worried about emotionally sending him over the edge. To maintain anonymity, I'll call my husband John. John was always controling, suspicious, and very emotional. 
I was not allowed to go out with girl friends, I was timed when I went shopping, I couldn't go visit family, I was always accused of cheating, I couldn't wear makeup out without him, I was accused of hitting on teenagers, I was followed, spied on, and recorded many times. When anything was suspected I was hounded, interrogated, screamed at, and even pushed around and pinned down. I couldn't have any life outside my home. And inside my house it was fighting or me keeping my mouth shut to avoid an argument. If I ever got the guts up to say I wanted out of the marriage, John would threaten to kill himself in front of me or spread horrible lies about me. This has kept me complacent for the past decade.
But the past year I started having some guy friends that paid attention to me really tempt me. And I ended up cheating a few times. No excuse, I know. I didn't sleep with the guy, just kiss and met up for lunch a couple times. But now I am convinced more than ever that I want a different life with someone that will treat me better. And although I told my husband about the affair, and he freaked, he still wants to be married to me.
I don't though, I want out. But John tells me he can't live without me, he loves me more than life, he would go into deep depression and quit working, he would tell the kids about my affair, and maybe even kill himself. He also said he would never get over me and try every day for the rest of his life to be with me. I don't know what to do. I want to be happy and I want to know what it feels like to be in love. Please you don't have to chastise me about kissing another man, I know I was in the wrong. Please just help me know how to be happy.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you don't want to be married and are still cheating, divorce your husband. Your husband doesn't sound right in the head either.

If he exposes your affair--that is a consequence you will have to face, since it's the truth. These things always come out. 

Don't bank on the new guy being your "everything." If you divorce, do so because you can't work things out with your husband, not cause someone struck your fancy and got you feeling "brand new/in love" again. 

Good luck.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You need to leave "John". He's abusive and no one ever needs to be controlled. He's not going to kill himself. He's saying that to make you feel guilty. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeissweet (Jan 5, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> If you don't want to be married and are still cheating, divorce your husband. Your husband doesn't sound right in the head either.
> 
> If he exposes your affair--that is a consequence you will have to face, since it's the truth. These things always come out.
> 
> ...


No, I'm not still seeing the "new guy". That was just a few times months ago. It just made me realize I want someone who would treat me like that all the time. But I have contemplated divorce for the entire relationship, it's only been the past year that I did anything wrong in the relationship as far as cheating goes. I need to know how to get out of this marriage though with such an emotionally unstabble husband. Thank you for responding.


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## lifeissweet (Jan 5, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> You need to leave "John". He's abusive and no one ever needs to be controlled. He's not going to kill himself. He's saying that to make you feel guilty. Good luck!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How though? I'm scared.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You "get out of this marriage" the same way everyone else does: File for divorce and move on with your life.

Easier said than done, I know. But you, like half of all other marrieds that divorce, can do it


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## lifeissweet (Jan 5, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> You "get out of this marriage" the same way everyone else does: File for divorce and move on with your life.
> 
> Easier said than done, I know. But you, like half of all other marrieds that divorce, can do it


Is there anything to help when you have no money, car, family any where near by? I'm totally issolated. I don't know how to get the divorce going and get out. Is there places that help?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You can try legal aid. Do you have a job? Can you stay with someone? Save money and prepare to move out. File for child support.


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## lifeissweet (Jan 5, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> You can try legal aid. Do you have a job? Can you stay with someone? Save money and prepare to move out. File for child support.


No job yet, I have been applying, but my car is broken down right now, so I couldn't get to it if I wanted to. I have friends, but I don't want to burden them and many of them are his friends too. My best friend is no longer allowed to be around me be "John" convinced her boyfriend that I am a ***** and that I was trying to get her to be involved in my activities. I am worried about my kids too. Should I leave and get on my feet and come back for the kids? I don't want them to think I have left them, but he is more financially fit to care for them.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Do you have a relationship with your family? If you decide to move forward with a divorce you will need support.


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## lifeissweet (Jan 5, 2012)

gonefishin said:


> Do you have a relationship with your family? If you decide to move forward with a divorce you will need support.


Yes, my family supports me in getting a divorce, but they live on the other side of the country. :-(


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It is ironic, that you in fact did the one thing john feared, the thing he thought you would do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeissweet (Jan 5, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> It is ironic, that you in fact did the one thing john feared, the thing he thought you would do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, I know, I was completely faithful to him for 10 of the 11 years. And the whole 10 years he accused me of cheating and treated me as such. Still didn't make it okay though. I should have left him before I did anything with another man, even a date. I don't condone my actions at all.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You first have to realise if you really have a choice.
Your H it seems still wants you. At least write down and tell him how you want to be treated. Let him know. You never know he may change.


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## XOXO (Jan 3, 2012)

This is my first post. I feel your pain. My situation is almost identical. Married young and been together 18 years, two kids. I cheated in the first year of married and was never forgiven despite having kids and promises of full forgiveness, etc. I have more than proven myself, but the distrust lingers every day of my life. I know the only answer is to leave. I am seeing a therapist for the first time next week to help with my choice. If you don't have the answers yet, just wait it out and see a therapist to help you make the choice. 

It definitely feels like living in a prison and every day seems to drag on when there's no excitement. Having a job is the only thing that keeps me sane. I would definitely pursue that more.


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## eyewonder (Jan 5, 2012)

Getting married for the wrong reasons is not a good thing. However, things can still work out between the two of you if you want to try. On the other hand, it seems that your man has issues with himself and that he tries to stop you in being the real you. If you are 
getting over someone, that someone is your husband of course, you have to free yourself of other relationships. That way you can really assess whether you still are willing to be with him.


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## Ifeelstuck (Jan 10, 2012)

Leave him! He's abusive. Threatening to kill himself is just to keep control of you. If he threatens it again tell him to go ahead.
If your children are old enough to handle the truth, tell them yourself-before he gets a chance to. People tend to believe the first person that tells them something. Trust your children to understand. They have been watching, and know what is going on.


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