# I got hit hard for being naïve...



## itwentkaboom (Mar 29, 2021)

We live in the East Coast. Last October of 2020, my wife went to the West coast to be with her sister who was suffering from cancer. 
This March 2021, with this pandemic limiting my activities, I decided to do computer clean up. 
I am about to delete her browsing history but decided to check to make sure I was not deleting something important.
Lo, and behold, shock was the understatement of what I've found out. She was into porn and she had been frequenting dating sites like AFF, CL, AM etc.
Looking at her search history, she went searching online for a place to get laid or to have ONS. 

I confronted her and she did not deny it. She said the memory of her past sexual molestation came rushing in and she was overwhelmed with different emotions. 
She admitted having online sex chat. She said she did not push through with her plan of having a ONS, though she admitted that she went out on a lunch date on two separate occasions with two different persons but she swore that their meeting was not sexual in nature, but that they wanted someone to talk to in person.

She said that it was selfish on her part to have done it. She was sorry not because she regret doing it but because I discovered it and was hurt by it.

She planned to keep this a secret and bring it to her grave.

She came home this month, I told her that I want divorce but she begged for my forgiveness. I told her I want the details of her misadventure. She said she started online sex the second week of November 2020 and stopped it on the first week of December 2020 and never did it again. I verified this to be true based on her browsing history. 
She said it was all done online. She did not go live with whomever she was chatting with and she never gave anyone any photo or video of her. There was no physical touch involved. Her two lunch date were never sexual and she voluntarily disclosed them to me.

We are married for 20 years with 2 kids which make cutting clean difficult and complicated.

The feeling of betrayal is, indeed, devastating. 

She said that me, our marriage, our family, our kids were never in her mind while she did all these things.

I tried tracing back our marriage and I cannot point out any indicator whatsoever that I can honestly say as red flag. I am a caring and devoted husband and father. I never did anything that made her cry. I am sexually active and she never had any complain about my performance as I always make sure she reach the finish line every fuc***** time. Financially, we are at the middle of the pack though I'm trying some financial strategies that might push us further ahead.

Her disclosure of being sexually molested when she was young made me feel sorry for her and her firm denial of physical contact somewhat made me soften my stance.

I'm now doubting of what use our marriage is if it cannot even prevent her from cheating on me.

I'm confused, angry, hurt and devastated.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your wife met with these guys to have sex. If you believe anything else then yes, you are naive.
When adults meet up after initially getting in contact on dating/sex talk sites they meet up to have sex. Not for coffee and a chat.
She then gaslit you by mentioning her “abuse” as a young girl. This is a classic manoeuvre.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

She met up with them intending to have sex. But it's very possible she couldn't go through with it. It takes some serious guts to have sex with a total stranger, especially if you are a woman.

I would demand a polygraph. Set one up. She'll either pass it or confess in the parking lot.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

itwentkaboom said:


> Lo, and behold, shock was the understatement of what I've found out. She was into porn and she had been frequenting dating sites like AFF, CL, AM etc.
> Looking at her search history, she went searching online for a place to get laid or to have ONS.
> 
> I confronted her and she did not deny it. She said the memory of her past sexual molestation came rushing in and she was overwhelmed with different emotions.
> ...


Have her take a polygraph. I agree with @Gabriel.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bud you weren’t naive. You were just a trusting husband like most.

All cheaters lie a lot. BEWARE!!!


----------



## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Take notice that she only admitted to what you had proof of, or what you possibly had proof of. That's why she didn't deny it, and that's why she said she didn't **** either of the men she met. She likely did.

Did you know about her past sexual molestation? Strange to blame this behaviour on this.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

It's very, very rare for a cheater to say "Oops, I got caught. Well, here's the full story". It's also rare for anyone who has experienced CSA to admit it like that. So, I have a hard time believing her story.

Cheaters lie, all of them. Once caught they confess to a little bit, then a little bit more, and a little bit more. If they know what you know, they will confess to exactly that much. Did you tell her what you knew?

Your wife met up with men who just wanted someone to talk to in person? Give me a break. You know what men want.

You say she is begging you to take her back, but what is she actually doing to earn you and your trust back? Is it only what you are asking her to do or is she going above and beyond?

If your wife wants a chance at reconciliation, she needs to get into therapy. If she is blaming her infidelity on being molested then she absolutely has to start unpacking that and deal with it. It's possible she wasn't molested at all and is just using that line to make you feel guilty, and it worked. Like I said above, it's rare for someone to come out and admit that so quickly.



> She was sorry not because she regret doing it but because I discovered it and was hurt by it.


Well, at least she was honest about that.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

She point blank told you that she isn’t sorry for doing it....just sorry for getting caught !!

If you stay with her then you deserve whatever you get in the future.

How can a man even consider staying with a wife that says that ?


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

She only disclosed her molestation when she was caught?
And she claims she suddenly remembered it and then decided to embark on extra-marital sexual adventures?

Read that again.


----------



## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Being a victim of sexual abuse does not condone that type of behavior. Don't fall for it.


----------



## itwentkaboom (Mar 29, 2021)

So I demanded that we talk until I'm satisfied with everything I want answered. She agreed. 

I asked why she did it. She said that she was suddenly reminded of the memories of being molested when she was young. She was flooded with various conflicting emotions like anger, sadness, lust, and feeling filthy.

She admitted that she wanted to have ONS to get back at men but then realized that she was giving them another chance to take advantage of her if she does. So she went online.
She choose men that she thought were sex maniacs based on their profile. She would then manipulate the conversation. With the promise of meeting in person afterwards, she made them do and say anything that she wanted them to do and say.

She said she enjoyed the fact that they were willing and eager to say and do as she commanded them. When she's satisfied that they did enough, she would ghost them. I asked if she was masturbating while chatting, she said no. She was not really aroused while chatting with them. She just wanted the feeling of having the power over men who she thought were maniacs. 

I asked her why she did not do it with me instead and she said that it's different because I have been a good husband and I was the one who made her realize that not all men are sex maniacs.

She told me point blank that she was not sorry she went ghosting some men online. She was just sorry and sad that I was made the collateral damage of what she did.

I asked her if she knew those who molested her and she said yes but she made me promise not to force her to name them. I asked why and she said that I met some of them and she's afraid because she knew what I'm capable of doing. At this point, I felt rage.

I asked why she did not tell me about her molestation and she said that she was afraid that I will consider her as filthy and leave her. I told her I was offended that she thought I was that kind of a man. She said she can't help it because she experienced being left or abandoned so many times before permanently by her father and then her mother for some time.

I also asked about the two lunch dates she had and she acknowledged that those were her lapse in judgment but she swore that the meet up were not sexual in nature. She said she agreed to meet with them long after she already stopped going to the dating sites. She admitted that their initial chats were based on sex but then it transitioned into non-sexual topics like why were they in the dating sites. She figured they were not the aggressive, sex starved maniacs so she did not ghost them and continued to chat with them outside the dating site but the topics were no longer about having sex. She said she decided to meet up with them once she felt that they were not threat and that they met at a public place in restaurant in a mall.

I asked for her log in access to the sites she frequented which she did. The accounts were deactivated.

She asked for forgiveness. She said she would be grateful if I will still help her deal with her demons but she would understand if I won't. And if I do proceed with the D, she requested that we do it gradually for the sake of our kids, like I could move to an apartment and tell my kids that my company is moving me to different state until they become used to us getting separated. This suggestion broke my heart.

I asked her to undergo a polygraph to which she agreed.

I don't know but at this point, the pain of her online sex chatting seems pale in comparison with my desire to know the identities of those who molested her.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

This definitely calls for a poly. You will only get about 3 to 5 questions. Besides wanting to know if she did anything sexual with those two, you need to ask if there were other sexual encounters during your entire marriage. Also did she give these men pics or videos. 

It’s insane the number of married mothers who allow their AP to take very graphic pics and videos. Recently read a thread on SI, of a FWW that didn’t even know she gave a BJ to completion until her husband received a video from her AP. So it’s important to get in front of this to protect your kids from later running into pics or videos of their mom.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I have some ocean front property in Arizona for sale ......


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ugh..up to the point of meeting up with the two dudes, might have been gotten past. 

Her marital vows were abridged too far.


----------



## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> I have some ocean front property in Arizona for sale ......


Really? Must be beautiful...😂


----------



## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

You have no reason to believe that she has told you the full truth. She has made believing her an incredibly complicated and difficult thing to do. 

The reality is does this really change the betrayal and your initial view that your marriage is over? After all believing her and forgiving her are two different things. I'd say you made the right judgement in asking for a divorce tbh, don't get suckered back in.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She knows she went too far, hence her accepting of the divorce. She does not want to fight hard for the marriage.

She acted the fool, but is not stupid. 

An outside force has found her vulnerable. Another path, another life has been found for her. She seems unwilling to resist its pull.

By her actions, you (too) will be forced to seek another life for yourself. 

Make the best of this change that is coming. Wait for the storm to pass before making any important decisions.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think you’ll stay so keep in mind that it will take years to rebuild and you won’t (or shouldn’t) trust her again the way you once did. And there will be triggers long after you’re past the time that you think there won’t be. I wish you the best going forward.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I just reread your OP. She only regrets that you found out not that she sullied your marriage? Also how is she having online sex unless they were video chatting? So that means she exposed herself in very graphic ways to these guys.

You really need to dig deeper before you talk about R. How do you forgive without really knowing what you’ve forgiving.


----------



## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

_She asked for forgiveness. She said she would be grateful if I will still help her deal with her demons but she would understand if I won't. And if I do proceed with the D, she requested that we do it gradually for the sake of our kids, like I could move to an apartment and tell my kids that my company is moving me to different state until they become used to us getting separated. This suggestion broke my heart._

Do not lie for your wife. Do not conceal what she has done. Do what is in your best interest.

Speak to a lawyer first to assess your situation and to see what your options are.
Get tested for STDs and tell your wife she is getting tested too.
Continue to discreetly monitor her activities until you make a decision (divorce or reconciliation)

Would encourage you to pursue your first choice divorce. Reconciliation can take years. Many cheaters couldn't be bothered to make the necessary efforts. I would place your wife in this category. She had an issue and rather than bring it to your attention or ask for your help she sought to escape her demons through a fantasy sex life.


----------



## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

You said you can't think of any red flags, look up NPD and BPD and see if it sounds like her.

I think it's been pretty well established that your wife is full of crap. Here's one honest but painful possibility, before she met you she "had her fun". Then you came along, the nice guy, the provider, the good dad. You had qualities the other guys didn't have. Unfortunately, she wasn't ready give up her flings with the bad boys. She wants to have both. This is something that will never go away, if anything it will get worse.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

itwentkaboom said:


> We live in the East Coast. Last October of 2020, my wife went to the West coast to be with her sister who was suffering from cancer.
> This March 2021, with this pandemic limiting my activities, I decided to do computer clean up.
> I am about to delete her browsing history but decided to check to make sure I was not deleting something important.
> Lo, and behold, shock was the understatement of what I've found out. She was into porn and she had been frequenting dating sites like AFF, CL, AM etc.
> ...


Look I have read thousands of these stories now over a period of years -

Honestly you will have a better life if you divorce.

I don't mean to offend you but I suspect you are still being naïve. As we all are when we have no experience with someone like your wife.

You will never know if she is telling the truth but given her history I would assume there is much much more. Probably a lifetime pattern of this kind of thing.

I would also DNA test your kids.

You probably have no idea who your wife is. None.

It's very sad but women who were sexual abused at a young age and get to the point of soliciting basically strangers for sex online are extremely dangerous emotionally. You are in for a lifetime of pain and revelations. Knowing what I do, you probably won't or maybe even can't, but I would avoid trying to figure it all out and exposing yourself to that pain. I would assume the relationship is over and move on.

I am very sorry but I can't give any other advice, it just wouldn't be the right thing to do.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> I have some ocean front property in Arizona for sale ......


Yuma has some beautiful seascapes.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I don't believe a damn word your WW has told you, and you should not either. Nothing of her story makes any sense.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Good lord, @itwentkaboom, I'm so sorry that you're going through this, and are here. I'm also glad that you're here though; this is a good place with good people who offer good advice.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I wish I could invent this magical dust you throw on someone and it makes the ****e-goggles fall off so they can see the truth.

After the countless upon countless upon countless stories I have read on here I still can’t understand the stuff some people allow themselves to put up with. I don’t get it .... it does not compute.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Ursula said:


> Good lord, @itwentkaboom, I'm so sorry that you're going through this, and are here. I'm also glad that you're here though; this is a good place with good people who offer good advice.


Yeah but really ... Ursula if we were married and I told you I only regret that you found out I cheated and not the actual fact that I cheated... What would you do ????

We both know what you would do !!!!


----------



## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

itwentkaboom said:


> So I demanded that we talk until I'm satisfied with everything I want answered. She agreed.
> 
> I asked why she did it. She said that she was suddenly reminded of the memories of being molested when she was young. She was flooded with various conflicting emotions like anger, sadness, lust, and feeling filthy.
> 
> ...



Your wife needs individual counseling TODAY! If her early life molestation has her doing the things she claims, the dating sites are the least of your issues.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> Yeah but really ... Ursula if we were married and I told you I only regret that you found out I cheated and not the actual fact that I cheated... What would you do ????
> 
> We both know what you would do !!!!





Ursula said:


> Good lord, @itwentkaboom, I'm so sorry that you're going through this, and are here. I'm also glad that you're here though; this is a good place with good people who offer good advice.


Hey @Mr.Married, oh, I know exactly what I would do; OP's wife showed absolutely zero remorse for her actions, which means that she'll keep repeating them in the future. So yeah, if I had a spouse like that, they would no longer be welcome in my life. I'm not entirely sure what you read into my post to reply with what you did though; all I had meant is that I'm glad OP found us to communicate to instead of stewing inside his head. Reaching out for help is important.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Under no circumstances should you leave the marriage home. Her suggestion that you gradually move out and get an apartment makes it fairly clear that she has someone lined up to replace you. 
Tell her to start packing and help her if necessary.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

There are way too many contradictions in the stories she is feeding you. She’s lying ok. To make you feel sorry for her, and you said yourself you did feel sorry for her. And of course, she’s told you anything she can to avoid the consequences.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

itwentkaboom said:


> So I demanded that we talk until I'm satisfied with everything I want answered. She agreed.
> 
> I asked why she did it. She said that she was suddenly reminded of the memories of being molested when she was young. She was flooded with various conflicting emotions like anger, sadness, lust, and feeling filthy.
> 
> ...


Your wife needs a full psychological workup if any of what she is saying is true. It would also mean she isn't healthy enough to be married and possibly not trusted around the kids.

If what she is saying isn't true, it would mean she isn't healthy enough to be married because she is a lying, backstabbing snake.

It wouldn't be something this barbarian would put up with.

Quit letting her be in the driver's seat on this at all.

Do not move out.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Your wife is showing classic traits of sexual deviancy rather than a history of sexual abuse. She is predatory.

You are probably in shock and your denial is completely understandable given what you’ve discovered. Look back on your time together and I’m sure you’ll start to see everything differently in terms of her sexual behaviour.

She is trying to stop you telling people certain things and to control how this ends - this is a huge red flag. She is scared that people will know who and what she is. She wants her secret to be kept safe. There is a reason for this, and probably much more that she has kept hidden. Her behaviour towards you, her attitude towards the other men, and her desire to keep secrets is scary.

Things are going to be very difficult and your safety will become and issue as you move forward.

Are you going to feel sorry for her? Or feel sorry for you and her past and future victims?


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

itwentkaboom said:


> She asked for forgiveness. She said she would be grateful if I will still help her deal with her demons but she would understand if I won't. And if I do proceed with the D, she requested that we do it gradually for the sake of our kids, like I could move to an apartment and tell my kids that my company is moving me to different state until they become used to us getting separated. This suggestion broke my heart.


I see. SHE lies, SHE is the one with psychological problems, SHE is the one who cheated (the depth of which is yet to be determined), yet YOU are the one to move out and lose daily contact with your kids?

You don't see how entitled that attitude of hers is?

Don't move out. Have HER move out, as others have said.


----------



## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I in no way want to trivialize some early sexual molestation and its effect on a person/woman, it just seems like every woman that is confronted with the realities of their poor or irrational behavior, it seems like that card always is there for the "get out of jail free" and gets pulled out in the nick of time, so you start to feel sorry for them and begin to rationalize it in some way....Call me a cynic, but it just can't be always that this is the case or reality.. and just read how she managed to make him feel bad /guilty about it...Worked like a charm...

I just wanted to point that out...The other members have given good advice...Sorry for your troubles with this OP...I can't give you more advice than was already given only to say that the guys I know that have had the same thing happen to them never seemed to be able to process and fully forgive, even if they chose to hang in there and give it another chance...

I wish you the best..


----------



## itwentkaboom (Mar 29, 2021)

After dinner, I asked her to watch a movie with me. She had no idea but the plot of the movie revolved around child sexual abuse. She was relaxed at first but when she realized what the movie was, she suddenly froze, grabbed my arm so tight that her fingernails started tearing into my skin. A minute later, she was crying silently with tears flowing down her face. She was staring at the screen but I can see that she was seeing past through it. It was freaky. I had to stop the movie and gave her some time to recover.

Soon afterwards, I asked her why she did what she did. She said she thought it was the best way to address her emotions at that time. I asked if she was bored with the marriage. She said no. I asked if she still love me. She said very much and asked me to recall everything she said and did to me prior to her misadventure. She said she has no justification for the things she did. She said she was sorry I got hurt. She said she was not sorry she did it because nothing was taken away from her. I asked her if she will do it again. She said no. I asked how can I be sure. She said that if similar emotions occur, she is no longer ashamed to reach out to me for help.

I got referral for Polygraph exam. Calling soon for appointment. 

Dang life. Why does it have to be so complicated.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Her saying she’s not sorry she did this is really sick. You need to follow through on the poly to confirm if she didn’t do anything with those 2 guys. Didn’t send sexually explicit videos or pics , and has never had another man during your whole marriage.

Personally I find her story too hard to believe. A married mother that met 2 men in person just to talk after sexting with them for months? That simply does not pass the smell test.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

There is a good chance the polygraph either won't be done, or is being done by someone ****ty. Generally, they cannot be done if there is CSA or mental illness in the picture. 

You asked your wife how you know she won't do it again, and her response was basically that she just wouldn't do it again and that she is magically fixed. Nope, doesn't work that way. If her story is real, you absolutely have to make it a requirement that she gets into therapy before reconciliation is an option. She has to properly deal with the CSA, otherwise this WILL repeat. 

And CSA or not, she still cheated and it still needs to be dealt with. You cannot sweep it under the rug, which I get the feeling you will do.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> Under no circumstances should you leave the marriage home. Her suggestion that you gradually move out and get an apartment makes it fairly clear that she has someone lined up to replace you.
> Tell her to start packing and help her if necessary.


Or that she is thinking of going the "abandonment" route for a divorce?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Yuma has some some great seascapes.


During the Paleozoic Era it did.

I had no idea you were that old!


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

itwentkaboom said:


> After dinner, I asked her to watch a movie with me. She had no idea but the plot of the movie revolved around child sexual abuse. She was relaxed at first but when she realized what the movie was, she suddenly froze, grabbed my arm so tight that her fingernails started tearing into my skin. A minute later, she was crying silently with tears flowing down her face. She was staring at the screen but I can see that she was seeing past through it. It was freaky. I had to stop the movie and gave her some time to recover.
> 
> Soon afterwards, I asked her why she did what she did. She said she thought it was the best way to address her emotions at that time. I asked if she was bored with the marriage. She said no. I asked if she still love me. She said very much and asked me to recall everything she said and did to me prior to her misadventure. She said she has no justification for the things she did. She said she was sorry I got hurt. She said she was not sorry she did it because nothing was taken away from her. I asked her if she will do it again. She said no. I asked how can I be sure. She said that if similar emotions occur, she is no longer ashamed to reach out to me for help.
> 
> ...


It is your life. 

Deal with her at your peril.

One good thing....

She will not be able to ruin another 'husband's' life if you keep her locked down and not available for matrimony.

Good luck with this one.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I know that OP is reeling from this. No man wants to believe that their wife of 20 years and the mother of his kids is out chasing strange D. But you have to protect yourself. 

right now she’s seems to be more concerned with preserving her reputation. That she’s even suggesting that you should move out, without really fighting for you, is really telling. It’s like she wants to pick up we’re she left off without your watchful eyes.

If her story is bogus like most TAMers believe, it means she’s truly a damaged woman who’s willing to meet strange men for sex. I’ve read threads of BHs who had WWs who ran through a lot of men in a few short months. In all of these cases, they were loving wives and mothers in long term marriages that seemed to completely change. Some of these BHs were able to R but it was a very long and painful process.


----------



## jparistotle (Jul 10, 2018)

itwentkaboom said:


> After dinner, I asked her to watch a movie with me. She had no idea but the plot of the movie revolved around child sexual abuse. She was relaxed at first but when she realized what the movie was, she suddenly froze, grabbed my arm so tight that her fingernails started tearing into my skin. A minute later, she was crying silently with tears flowing down her face. She was staring at the screen but I can see that she was seeing past through it. It was freaky. I had to stop the movie and gave her some time to recover.
> 
> Soon afterwards, I asked her why she did what she did. She said she thought it was the best way to address her emotions at that time. I asked if she was bored with the marriage. She said no. I asked if she still love me. She said very much and asked me to recall everything she said and did to me prior to her misadventure. She said she has no justification for the things she did. She said she was sorry I got hurt. She said she was not sorry she did it because nothing was taken away from her. I asked her if she will do it again. She said no. I asked how can I be sure. She said that if similar emotions occur, she is no longer ashamed to reach out to me for help.
> 
> ...


I would proceed cautiously on the reason why she did what she did. Counseling for her immediately that is a given. However, you need to verify and validate the reason why is true. I have read instances where that was given as a way to manipulate the situation. Support her so she gets the help she needs but .....


----------



## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

jsmart said:


> I know that OP is reeling from this. No man wants to believe that their wife of 20 years and the mother of his kids is out chasing strange D. But you have to protect yourself.
> 
> right now she’s seems to be more concerned with preserving her reputation. That she’s even suggesting that you should move out, without really fighting for you, is really telling. It’s like she wants to pick up we’re she left off without your watchful eyes.
> 
> If her story is bogus like most TAMers believe, it means she’s truly a damaged woman who’s willing to meet strange men for sex. I’ve read threads of BHs who had WWs who ran through a lot of men in a few short months. In all of these cases, they were loving wives and mothers in long term marriages that seemed to completely change. Some of these BHs were able to R but it was a very long and painful process.


100% agree. Unfortunately he's the kind of guy who gets zeroed out in the divorce while she goes on to do whatever she wants, usually in the family home. Not trying to be dramatic, but it's situations like these where the guy gives so much of himself that in the end he ends up eating a 45. Hopefully not in this case.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Al_Bundy said:


> 100% agree. Unfortunately he's the kind of guy who gets zeroed out in the divorce while she goes on to do whatever she wants, usually in the family home. Not trying to be dramatic, but it's situations like these where the guy gives so much of himself that in the end he ends up eating a 45. Hopefully not in this case.


That's because a big majority of males in a lot of countries (mostly) in western society (specially the english speaking ones) have been taking massive dosage of intellectual estrogen as part of their pussification. I personally know men that are so useless, that mummy and wife/girlfriend-mummy need to clean their azz (figuratively) 'cause they can't even do that. They have been bred to provide, nothing else. When these men are push aside for a real man they don't know what the heck to do other than to wimp out like a little girl. We are seeing this pattern more and more as time goes by. Sad but true.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

jparistotle said:


> I would proceed cautiously on the reason why she did what she did. Counseling for her immediately that is a given. However, you need to verify and validate the reason why is true. I have read instances where that was given as a way to manipulate the situation. Support her so she gets the help she needs but .....


I would agree this sounds manipulative.

Have you tried not asking her any questions, not talking about any of this?

You’re getting a lot of responses, ‘words’ from her when you bring these subjects up. Have you tried complete silence to see what she says or doesn’t say?

Her actions will tell you a lot more than the answers you get when you ask a question and hear a story.


----------



## Williejay1975 (Feb 24, 2021)

Just do not take her serious anymore. That emotionally protects you. Plus plant a GPS tracker. And prepare for a divorce; that mentally protects you.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Luckylucky said:


> She only disclosed her molestation when she was caught?
> And she claims she suddenly remembered it and then decided to embark on extra-marital sexual adventures?
> 
> Read that again.


My wife told me about being raped by her dad when she was 10 at the start of our relationship 25 yrs ago.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

itwentkaboom said:


> She said she was not sorry she did it because nothing was taken away from her.


I see by your post the direction your wanting to head with all this but man ....... I couldn’t and wouldn’t. Once again it comes straight out her mouth.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> My wife told me about being raped by her dad when she was 10 at the start of our relationship 25 yrs ago.


Sorry for your wife’s trauma, I hope she’s found her safety with you. 

Most victims avoid relationships altogether or disclose at the beginning of the relationship. And most victims won’t use it as a manipulation tactic to justify bad behaviour.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

If she hasn't had a sexual relationship outside of the marriage, it may be fixable. There are a lot of important questions to answer first, as mentioned in previous posts. There's something sexual missing in your marriage. She probably hasn't told you what it is. If you decide to work toward reconciliation, you need to find out what that is. I admit that, in my world, while an emotional affair is not good, it's not as bad as a physical affair. In some cases, the damage from an EA can be fixed. Screwing can't be undone. (Others here will strongly disagree.)


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Having a WW going out to have sex with strange men , doesn’t mean something is missing in this couple’s sex life. OP’s wife is obviously a very broken woman, who desires to be used by strangers. Other than her husband changing into an abusive man, nothing else he could do would satisfy that desire to be used and probably denigrated. 

What brought on that desire? Past sexual abuse as a child/teen ? Prior relationship with abusive boyfriend? Or movie/book that glamorized promiscuity or dom/sub relationship? Something caused her to change.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

jsmart said:


> Having a WW going out to have sex with strange men , doesn’t mean something is missing in this couple’s sex life. OP’s wife is obviously a very broken woman, who desires to be used by strangers. Other than her husband changing into an abusive man, nothing else he could do would satisfy that desire to be used and probably denigrated.
> 
> What brought on that desire? Past sexual abuse as a child/teen ? Prior relationship with abusive boyfriend? Or movie/book that glamorized promiscuity or dom/sub relationship? Something caused her to change.


I agree with most of what you said. What I should have said was, "In your wife's mind, there is something missing in your sex life." He may not be able to fix it. He may not want to fix it. It may not be fixable. Whatever is missing does not justify going out to have sex with strange men.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This woman is either a master of deception or severely broken. Go through with the polygraph. 

If she passes, then get her some serious therapy. If she fails, well, believe the test.


----------



## bigfool (Feb 8, 2021)

itwentkaboom said:


> The feeling of betrayal is, indeed, devastating.
> 
> She said that me, our marriage, our family, our kids were never in her mind while she did all these things.


Going through something similar myself and this is it in a nutshell - total devastation and theft of decades of your life through fraud.

My wife made similar excuses e.g. she developed a second personality and did not think of her husband and 1 year old baby while she was wrecking her family - It's a load of BS IMO. 

Time to protect yourself, get stronger, fitter, eat healthier and don't let her syphon off any more of your spiritual / emotional energy. 

I feel for you and wish you a satisfactory outcome my man.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Luckylucky said:


> Sorry for your wife’s trauma, I hope she’s found her safety with you.
> 
> Most victims avoid relationships altogether or disclose at the beginning of the relationship. And most victims won’t use it as a manipulation tactic to justify bad behaviour.


Yes she has. Her father was a very abusive man. Im glad he took care if himself when she was a teen before i dealt with him. Be kind of hard going to Thanksgiving being the BiL who shot the evil father.

She has a scar on her upper lip and a crooked tooth matching from him. When he would go after her little brothers, she would step in and fight him. She was the mom to her brothers, that her mom never was. 

Said if the table was set wrong he wad turn the table over and her and her mom would have to clean up mess and re-cook the meal.


----------



## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

itwentkaboom

ask yourself - if you heard your spouse's story told by a friend as coming from his wife - what would be your perspective?

smells a bit fishy - 

so assuming (polygraph yet? any corroborating info via web chats/phone chats/phone call logs? ) you may have something to work with.

Otherwise you are falling on your sword thinking you will 'save' your past (yes - past) relationship.

Take your time and open your eyes to other scenarios and possibilities.

Broken people do bad (as in immoral/violate marriage vows etc.) things because their internal compass (morality according to standards) is not working..

you have to choose whether on not you can live with the "ship crashing into the rocks" and can the wreck be resurrected
and put in shipshape again.

We all know it is so very hard to let go of something we think we had - when we didn't see and could not see the foundation cracks in a person.

Can this situation be ever again what it was - ah? No! The scar is permanent - you have forever to think this will be a "long forgotten memory" if you decide to stay and "work things out." This is something you need to consider.
Some can and some cannot deal with the memory. I have seen several stories where spouse stayed but year later (5 seems to be a magic number!) - decided not to continue the bond. Lots of long time suffering. 

You have a lot on your plate to digest - take your time and follow your brain - not your heart.


----------



## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

A polygraph is a must. From your narrative, it sounds like your wife doesn't want to fight to save the marriage. Minimally, she needs counseling to deal with her demons and why she did what she did. But, if she really isn't into saving the marriage, proceed to divorce at YOUR PACE which should be full speed. Finally, a condition of R is that she reveals to you the name of those that molested her. Evidently, these people are still in her life which means that they are also in the lives of you and your child. In fact, whether you reconcile or not, she must reveal to you the name of those that molested her for the sake of your child's welfare. Bring this issue up with your lawyer when child custody is discussed. Good luck to you. Any chance on R rests in the hands of your wife. It doesn't seem like she cares that much.


----------



## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

I forgot to add that her excuse is really lame. Married for 20 years and all of a sudden her past child molestations drove her to do what she did. Utter bull crap. She needs to level with you why she did what she did. She may have been cheating on you periodically for quite some time. This time you caught her. Again, a polygraph is a must and it should cover whether she has had sexual encounters with others during any time in your marriage.


----------



## itwentkaboom (Mar 29, 2021)

Polygraph - done. Result within two weeks.
Told her to lawyer up as I will be consulting with one soon. She said she doesn't need one. She said I am a just and reasonable man and she will sign legal papers that need signing. 
I told her I need some time alone to navigate my way out of this mess. She agreed. I will be bringing her and the kids to her Mom's place.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

itwentkaboom said:


> Polygraph - done. Result within two weeks.
> Told her to lawyer up as I will be consulting with one soon. She said she doesn't need one. She said I am a just and reasonable man and she will sign legal papers that need signing.
> I told her I need some time alone to navigate my way out of this mess. She agreed. I will be bringing her and the kids to her Mom's place.


Two weeks for polygraph results? What's that all about? They know instantly what the results are.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Also, I'll go way out on a limb here and predict that she passes the polygraph. Somehow I think she's telling the truth. I hope she is.


----------



## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Sfort said:


> Two weeks for polygraph results? What's that all about? They know instantly what the results are.


This doesn't seem right at all. Do you mean the test was booked for 2 weeks from now?


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I remember the part about her telling you she isn’t sorry .... only sorry for getting caught.
Who cares about a polygraph.... get a lawyer


----------



## itwentkaboom (Mar 29, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Two weeks for polygraph results? What's that all about? They know instantly what the results are.


It's unusual, I know.

My next course of action depends on the result of the test that would affect so many lives, so I did not simply bring her to whomever is available to administer it.
Truth is all that matters to me that I have to reach out to some people who know people who can help me ferret out the truth with the least possible margin of error.

The result would strictly be for my own guidance and I cannot present it in court. I had to sign NDA before my request got the needed indorsement.

I pray that all my decisions be properly guided and for the best.


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

itwentkaboom said:


> It's unusual, I know.
> 
> My next course of action depends on the result of the test that would affect so many lives, so I did not simply bring her to whomever is available to administer it.
> Truth is all that matters to me that I have to reach out to some people who know people who can help me ferret out the truth with the least possible margin of error.
> ...


I am so sorry that you are here. When I was dating my now W, she told me about her CSA within three months.

And during those three months, we were not serious at all. You have received A-1 advice here.

Great W for 20 years and all of a sudden...... But she has the golden excuse. Plus she isn't sorry she did it, just

that she got caught. I have never participated in a R..... but I know many who have. If your W has a full time job then she should move out.

Don't keep the kids from her.... do a 50/50. Unless your kids are in their teens, then they can have say in decision.

You retain the home and most likely, offer spousal support but only if your earning balance is over 67 / 33.

Finalize the D and THEN.... if you wish to entertain any possibility of a re-connect..... maybe. That's just covering yourself.

This route is only if there IS truth in what her story holds. Personally.... I don't buy it.

1-Never told you about CSA in 20+ years..... M has no secrets if successful 
2-I'm sorry I was caught, not sorry I did it
3-You seem to be doing all the work..... asking questions, preparing "set" and "settings"... that is the cheating spouse's
job if they want things to work out.

Lastly.... I am nearing 50. Accumulated friends along the way from all walks of life. Several are participants of the sites you mentioned.

They are sites set up for one reason, and one reason only. You do not go to these places to "chat."

To grab a guy's attention.... talk dirty, do a live cam, and post revealing pics. If not... the guys move on quite fast.

Always remember..... women trade sex for attention. Men trade attention for sex. Guess who told me that over 30 years ago..... a female!


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Correct. A polygraph test result is not admissible evidence in a court in the United States.


----------



## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

itwentkaboom said:


> Polygraph - done. Result within two weeks.
> Told her to lawyer up as I will be consulting with one soon. She said she doesn't need one. She said I am a just and reasonable man and she will sign legal papers that need signing.
> I told her I need some time alone to navigate my way out of this mess. She agreed. I will be bringing her and the kids to her Mom's place.


Wait so you don’t have the results for two weeks but you’re still going to leave?? Or did she confess to something?


----------



## itwentkaboom (Mar 29, 2021)

Polygraph result came in. She got cleared.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Good -- what were the questions asked that she passed?


itwentkaboom said:


> She was sorry not because she regret doing it but because I discovered it and was hurt by it.


So, THIS is super important -- she needs individual counseling to look into this and why she felt it was ok to break her vows. This is a pretty serious character flaw for someone who is married.


itwentkaboom said:


> She did not go live with whomever she was chatting with and she never gave anyone any photo or video of her.


Do you have a copy of the chat texts? Did she give them to you and/or details of what she did?


itwentkaboom said:


> Her disclosure of being sexually molested when she was young made me feel sorry for her and her firm denial of physical contact somewhat made me soften my stance


Being molested is NOT a free pass to cheat when married. She needs serious help to overcome this and learn WHY she was ok with cheating, and how to NOT have this happen again.

Hopefully, you have full, free access to all of her devices and accounts....


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

If she is between 40 and 55, she is going through midlife. At midlife most of us revisit our lives and we work on our internal pollution. She used her internal pollution to justify stepping outside the marriage to clear her internal mess up. That is unacceptable. You don't do that and poop all over your marriage and marriage partner. Poly or no poly passing, she is a fool. She needs counseling and so do you. Her actions are hers alone. You need to figure out why you want to keep someone like her around. I know 20 years is a long time invested in a relationship. I had 21 invested in mine when at midlife, my X thought it was time to sow the oats he never got a chance to do. Excuses are just that, excuses. Don't excuse the inexcusable! Mine dumped with for a 27 year old prostitute that lied to him about being a graveyard shift nurse. Don't believe her. She was out there getting herself some strange. She found it and her excuse was revenge on childhood traumas. It was selfish. She is selfish. That won't change in her. She is not the woman you married. At midlife, she opened Pandora's Box and now that can't be closed without professional help. Nothing to do with the marriage or YOU. It is ALL about her and her selfish needs.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

itwentkaboom said:


> Polygraph result came in. She got cleared.


What questions were put to her?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> What questions were put to her?





MattMatt said:


> What questions were put to her?





MattMatt said:


> What questions were put to her?


Questions...

Those that linger, rot the place the reside in.


_Are Dee-_


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> Questions...
> 
> Those that linger, rot the place the reside in.
> 
> ...


Questions are a burden to others, answers a prison for one’s self.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> Questions are a burden to others, answers a prison for one’s self.


One's burden does not ease with knowing the truth.

The burden merely shifts to another place, where frustration, newly, grows weeds.

Can we can handle the truth, better than uncertain doubt?
Such that cliche, that_ benefit of the doubt?_

Only if you are that stone, not that messy protoplasm.
A being having missives, having pride.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

What were the results?


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

itwentkaboom said:


> Polygraph result came in. She got cleared.


that is great news.

IF my wife was sexting online, that is bad but not unforgivable. i would take that as partly ME needing to give her more and kinkier sex going forward.

IF she actually physically hooked up with a guy(s), that would be unforgivable for me. Since she passed the polygraph, whew, you can breath a big sigh of relief.

I guess the question is HOW do you keep her sexually satisfied enough so she has no need to be talking with other guys? Maybe ask her what her kinkiest fantasies are about, and offer to fulfill every one of them...
and do not be judgmental....they may be pretty perverted sex acts she is fantasizing about


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The guy hasn't been here in six months. Who keeps dragging up these old threads?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie Cat says "What's that I smell? Oh! A zombie thread! Let's get to work, Cat People!" The apprentice kitten is not _really_ asleep. Honest!


----------

