# Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.



## Sunflower9119 (Feb 5, 2017)

My husband has a low sex drive. We have been together for just about 8 years now. When we met I was a virgin. I have a very high sex drive and I am the female in the relationship. He has been to countless doctors, has been on clomid and has sought professional help for his LD. I go to counseling on my own but believe it's maybe time for him to be included.
I am beginning to give up. I feel I will never be satisfied in this relationship sexually. The other issue is that my husband had a large addiction to porn before we were together. He thinks of me as a pin up model. I have to nearly wear some ****tt outfit for him to be turned on and to want to have sex with me. I am a very good wife, we have a young child together and I believe our relationship is healthy in other areas. However, I can't do this forever. Every time I tell him it's hurtful that I nearly need to be someone I am not in the bedroom for him to be turned on, he gets annoyed. He feels like I am not "understanding" this is what he needs to be turned on with a low sex drive. Am I being the ridiculous one or is he?
I am younger then him. Ia starting to have feelings for other men. I went out with my girlfriend two weeks ago and met a young man, I felt very emotionally and physically attracted to. I think about him often. The main thing I think about is how I may not have to dress up for this other human being to be sexually attracted to me and want me. I feel like I think about it often. Will this always be how I feel? Will this ever change? Will my husband only want me when I'm dressed up as someone I am not? 
I hate to end a marriage because of sex. I also hate to break up a marriage with a young child. I sometimes think an open relationship would be a good answer. I have been understanding and worked with him for 5 years on this. I'm beginning to think this is the end.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sunflower9119 said:


> My husband has a low sex drive. We have been together for just about 8 years now. When we met I was a virgin. I have a very high sex drive and I am the female in the relationship. He has been to countless doctors, has been on clomid and has sought professional help for his LD. I go to counseling on my own but believe it's maybe time for him to be included.
> I am beginning to give up. I feel I will never be satisfied in this relationship sexually. The other issue is that my husband had a large addiction to porn before we were together. He thinks of me as a pin up model. I have to nearly wear some ****tt outfit for him to be turned on and to want to have sex with me. I am a very good wife, we have a young child together and I believe our relationship is healthy in other areas. However, I can't do this forever. Every time I tell him it's hurtful that I nearly need to be someone I am not in the bedroom for him to be turned on, he gets annoyed. He feels like I am not "understanding" this is what he needs to be turned on with a low sex drive. Am I being the ridiculous one or is he?
> I am younger then him. Ia starting to have feelings for other men. I went out with my girlfriend two weeks ago and met a young man, I felt very emotionally and physically attracted to. I think about him often. The main thing I think about is how I may not have to dress up for this other human being to be sexually attracted to me and want me. I feel like I think about it often. Will this always be how I feel? Will this ever change? Will my husband only want me when I'm dressed up as someone I am not?
> I hate to end a marriage because of sex. I also hate to break up a marriage with a young child. I sometimes think an open relationship would be a good answer. I have been understanding and worked with him for 5 years on this. I'm beginning to think this is the end.




There is nothing wrong with ending a marriage because of sex. Your marriage might be ending because your husband has developed a fetish and cannot become aroused without the use of that fetish and that fetish is porn. Your husband expects you to go to extreme measures to have sex yet is unwilling to examine his own issues wrt to fetishizing porn.

I have no idea if sex therapy can help your husband develop better more realistic expectations and ideals regarding sex and his relationships, but I doubt it. 

When anyone, male or female, turn to solo play via some sort of porn they are essentially cutting themselves off from their partner on an emotionally intimate level. They are using porn to quickly and easily satisfy their desire for sexual release. A person who exclusively seeks porn (or very close to exclusively) and cannot or does not have sexual energy to give to their partner, they are choosing to turn away from true intimacy, thus a true relationship.

This is not a person to be married to.

Tell your husband to get help or get out. He already knows he has a porn problem but he may not know he has a porn fetish which cuts you out of his sexual expression entirely.


----------



## Sunflower9119 (Feb 5, 2017)

Actually my husband doesn't use porn anymore. He literally doesn't have the drive. The only time he has used porn is while I have been away, visiting my parents. But otherwise, he is very lazy and just doesn't have the energy. 
It's his prior interest in porn and his expectations of me dressing up as a pin up model that have been damaging to our relationship. I feel like the only time he truly was interested in having sex with ME was when we were first together and I was new to him. Shortly after we were engaged, he became more satisfied with me dressing up in outfits, pretending to be someone I was not. Now in order for him to have sex and be turned on, I literally have to be in some get up. It's a sad reality. But I am beginning to think this is the beginning to an end.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband says that you are not understanding about his needs. But it seems that he does not care to even contemplate why you needing to be someone besides yourself for him to be interested in sex bothers you.

The main different between marriage and other kinds of relationships is sex. If the sex is not working, the marriage is not working.

Divorce because of sexual problems in a marriage is a valid reason for divorce. I would not stay married in a situation like yours.

Your are thinking about other men because your husband has no desire to meet your sexual needs. The lack of having your needs met is causing you serious problems. You either need to kill your own sexual desires to the point of you not having any or you need to get a divorce. There really is no middle ground. And killing your sexual desires will go a long way to kill who you are.

It's just not worth doing that to yourself.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sunflower9119 said:


> Actually my husband doesn't use porn anymore. He literally doesn't have the drive. The only time he has used porn is while I have been away, visiting my parents. But otherwise, he is very lazy and just doesn't have the energy.
> It's his prior interest in porn and his expectations of me dressing up as a pin up model that have been damaging to our relationship. I feel like the only time he truly was interested in having sex with ME was when we were first together and I was new to him. Shortly after we were engaged, he became more satisfied with me dressing up in outfits, pretending to be someone I was not. Now in order for him to have sex and be turned on, I literally have to be in some get up. It's a sad reality. But I am beginning to think this is the beginning to an end.



Yes, I got that he doesn't use porn anymore. But his sexual arousal pattern is stuck on porn.

If he uses porn when you're away, he is still using porn. 

How do you know isn't still beating off to porn and that's why he's got nothing for you?

It IS the end! Like @EleGirl said, staying with this man will destroy your sense of yourself and make you doubt your self worth. This is not a man to be married to...for anyone!

There is nothing wrong with divorcing because your husband doesn't desire you. In fact, there is something wrong with a woman who stays with a man who doesn't desire her!


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Sunflower9119 said:


> My husband has a low sex drive. We have been together for just about 8 years now. When we met I was a virgin. I have a very high sex drive and I am the female in the relationship. He has been to countless doctors, has been on clomid and has sought professional help for his LD. I go to counseling on my own but believe it's maybe time for him to be included.
> I am beginning to give up. I feel I will never be satisfied in this relationship sexually. The other issue is that my husband had a large addiction to porn before we were together. He thinks of me as a pin up model. I have to nearly wear some ****tt outfit for him to be turned on and to want to have sex with me. I am a very good wife, we have a young child together and I believe our relationship is healthy in other areas. However, I can't do this forever. Every time I tell him it's hurtful that I nearly need to be someone I am not in the bedroom for him to be turned on, he gets annoyed. He feels like I am not "understanding" this is what he needs to be turned on with a low sex drive. Am I being the ridiculous one or is he?
> I am younger then him. Ia starting to have feelings for other men. I went out with my girlfriend two weeks ago and met a young man, I felt very emotionally and physically attracted to. I think about him often. The main thing I think about is how I may not have to dress up for this other human being to be sexually attracted to me and want me. I feel like I think about it often. Will this always be how I feel? Will this ever change? Will my husband only want me when I'm dressed up as someone I am not?
> I hate to end a marriage because of sex. I also hate to break up a marriage with a young child. I sometimes think an open relationship would be a good answer. I have been understanding and worked with him for 5 years on this. I'm beginning to think this is the end.




So his LD was really from his porn addiction. Makes sense.

There is nothing wrong dressing up sexy to seduce your hubby. Try cosplay.

Men are 'very' visual. If we see a hot woman, dressed all sexy, that immediately turns us on.

Why do you think women dress sexy, high heels, makeup, showing their breasts, bum, feet, etc.? Us guys are visual, we notice and get turned on.

It's called spicing it up. Nothing wrong with this.


If you continue to dress sexy for him, some cosplay, would that get him off porn and more into you?


Express your fantasies to him. Maybe he dresses up as a fireman? Or police office? Or male stripper?


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

There are different "modes" in which people express their sexuality and seek validation. It sounds as if you want "partner engagement" which is an experience in which two people are highly connected to one another emotionally and very accepting of each other just as they are. Meanwhile your husband enjoys "role play" in which he has a fantasy that needs to be acted out and scripted. Role play often involves pretending to be someone that you are not.

Both modes of sexual engagement have their merits. Some people with a great deal of confidence enjoy assuming the "role" of someone else and it does not conflict with their sense of self. If anything it actually helps expand on their sense of self as the realize that they can be capable of becoming anyone if they choose to do so. However this personality type is likely rare in the bedroom. 

Some people (probably most) simply need to be themselves and say, "this is who I am" and feel loved. There is a great deal of sexual validation in "just being yourself." For those that need this type of experience, role playing can be highly problematic. 

It sounds to me as if it will be a struggle for your husband to adapt to a type of playful scenario in which you just get to be yourself. Perhaps there are some rather erotic moments in your past that you could act out with your husband in which you get to play the part of yourself (past of future). The problem is that your husband likely needs some sort of script to follow. He could be suffering from some sort of performance anxiety and having a script may help him anticipate what happens and when. If that is the case, you just have to come up with a script that you can act out that just lets you be yourself, and your husband will know what to expect and what to do to help prevent any anxiety.

Not sure if that will help, but perhaps a different way to think about things.

Badsanta


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> So his LD was really from his porn addiction. Makes sense.
> 
> *There is nothing wrong dressing up sexy to seduce your hubby. *Try cosplay.
> 
> ...


I think you miss her point. Sure it can be fun and sexy to dress up SOME TIMES. 

But when it's the only way that a guy wants to have sex with his wife, there's a problem.

Sometimes she just wants to know what he finds her sexy for who she is. Sometimes she wants to not have to work so hard to get him interested in her.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sunflower9119,

I agree with Anon. How do you know that your husband no longer uses porn. I'll bet that he uses it when he knows that you are not around. It is very common for men who use porn to hide it.


----------



## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

Sunflower9119 said:


> I am beginning to give up. I feel I will never be satisfied in this relationship sexually. The other issue is that my husband had a large addiction to porn before we were together. He thinks of me as a pin up model. I have to nearly wear some ****tt outfit for him to be turned on and to want to have sex with me.


Hi @Sunflower9119,

Okay are you serious? What man doesn't want his wife to dress up before sex? That's what makes it so much fun! It's a celebration of a wife's beauty to dress up before sex! What's wrong with that? I think it's normal and healthy! And you should bask in the beauty of who you are and enjoy it too! 

Sure, I totally get you not wanting to dress up all the time. But be real! This is part of the sexual relationship and a beautiful part of it1 A woman's beauty is such a beautiful thing to celebrate. Unless he has you dressing up in some freak outfit that takes away from your dignity as a person, I really don't see the problem. I loved when my wife dressed in sexy outfits for me before sex. But those days are long gone and they're gone forever. And you want to talk about problems? 



Sunflower9119 said:


> Ia starting to have feelings for other men. I went out with my girlfriend two weeks ago and met a young man, I felt very emotionally and physically attracted to. I think about him often. The main thing I think about is how I may not have to dress up for this other human being to be sexually attracted to me and want me. I feel like I think about it often. Will this always be how I feel? Will this ever change? Will my husband only want me when I'm dressed up as someone I am not?


Might it be that you're just bored in your marriage and you're using this whole "dressing up for sex" thing as an excuse because you're really already bored with your husband and you want to be with the man you're already attracted to? Forgive me, but the statement above sounds to me like you're just using your husband's need for you to dress up as an excuse to end the marriage and go with the other man. I apologize if I am coming across as too judgemental here. But I have to be honest, it's what it sounds like to be. But what do I know?

And forgive me, but you saying "I may not have to dress up for this other human being sexually..." is just so transparent. Are you kidding me? You're not serious, are you? I mean, cry me a river! You can't be serious! 

As for your husband's porn addiction, that's a problem with many men. 

I hope I am not coming across as too judgemental here. I just see you as someone who has a good thing and is not grateful for what they have.


----------



## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

I get it. It can be a crushing thing to feel like who you are isn't enough for your husband. I am pretty confident he is still using porn. It's easy for people to hide it if they want to (unless your married to me ) Don't listen to people telling you that you should be ok with it, because you aren't. No one can tell you how you should feel, and you shouldn't apologize for being hurt about it. It's YOU who has to live with it, and only you can decide if you can take this. Though it sounds like you can't and he sounds like he doesn't care. Sex isn't one sided. To him it is. If one of you isn't enjoying it, the the both of you should care enough to fix it. But he doesn't. 

On our wedding day, my H came to me the day before and asked "hey tomorrow when you get ready, would you mind not wearing any makeup? Or only a small bit? You don't have to I just wanted to see if that was ok." I asked him why and he told me he wants to see me for who I am, and take me for who i am. It's a very empowering feeling. So take your feelings seriously, and put yourself FIRST for a change.

This makes me sad.  Sex can be such an amazing centering thing. Makes the world spin right when that special connection is there. Don't settle for anyone who doesn't want to bring you that happiness.

Good luck.


----------



## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

Chances are he is still watching porn and his "ld" is only because he has satisfied himself already. Wanting to dress up all the time is probably because of the porn and what he sees and likes. Please don't let anybody here make you feel as if it is your duty to dress up and please him. If this is the only way he can get turned on, he has the problem, not you.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I think you miss her point. Sure it can be fun and sexy to dress up SOME TIMES.
> 
> But when it's the only way that a guy wants to have sex with his wife, there's a problem.
> 
> Sometimes she just wants to know what he finds her sexy for who she is. Sometimes she wants to not have to work so hard to get him interested in her.




This is the time to wean him off porn and how she can do this is dress up and rock his world with adventurous sex.

Over time, she doesn't have to dress up as much anymore. A little less over time but still dress up to spice things up.

Now if he is addicted to porn and expects her to dress up like porn actresses, or he's not interested, then he has a real problem. Therapy for him, counseling?

Problem is us guys are very visual. The hotter the woman, in great shape and not over weight, with more adventurous sex the better. It becomes an addiction and unrealistic.


----------



## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

CuddleBug said:


> This is the time to wean him off porn and how she can do this is dress up and rock his world with adventurous sex.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Absolutely wrong advice. Acting like some character he fantizes about is only fueling his fantasy world. He needs to be in the real world, with his real wife, not a character. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

From an article:


Usually when we think of rebuilding sex lives we think that we have to somehow compete with pornography. We want to be so arousing that he won’t need it anymore, and so we go the lingerie route, or we decide to try new things. That actually feeds into his addiction, because what he really needs is to experience the sexual high that comes from relational and spiritual intimacy, and not just from visual arousal or fantasy. It’s not that you can never wear lingerie again; it’s just that in the initial recovery period, the aim is not to be “porn lite” in your marriage; it’s to help him channel his sexual energy in a different direction: towards you. If you try to just act out pornography, you actually encourage him to keep those fantasies in his head alive, and you do nothing to retrain his brain.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

hifromme67 said:


> Absolutely wrong advice. Acting like some character he fantizes about is only fueling his fantasy world. He needs to be in the real world, with his real wife, not a character.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



My solution is to wean him off and instead of him viewing porn, she gets him to be with her and do some things that porn actresses do. That's a start to getting him off porn and into her.

Over time, his porn disappears because she weaned him off and he wants her at that point.

It's transitioning him off porn over time and getting him interested in his wife again.

You can't go cold turkey. You can try but good luck.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> This is the time to wean him off porn and how she can do this is dress up and rock his world with adventurous sex.
> 
> Over time, she doesn't have to dress up as much anymore. A little less over time but still dress up to spice things up..


She has been married for 5 years. He's been like this most of the 5 years. He refuses to listen to what she wants and requires her to dress up in a manner that makes her feel like she is not herself. From what she said, she's asked him to give a little on this and refuses to. He refuses to change. Re-read her post.



CuddleBug said:


> Now if he is addicted to porn and expects her to dress up like porn actresses, or he's not interested, then he has a real problem. Therapy for him, counseling?.


This is apparently what is going on... for most of 5 years. Re-read her post.



CuddleBug said:


> Problem is us guys are very visual. The hotter the woman, in great shape and not over weight, with more adventurous sex the better. It becomes an addiction and unrealistic.


The problem is not that he is visual. The problem is that he's addicted to porn and can hardly get interested in his wife sexually. And the other problem is that she has to do what he wants all the time and her husband refuses to give her want she wants even some of the time.

She has things that she likes too... she should have her needs met as well too.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> She has been married for 5 years. He's been like this most of the 5 years. He refuses to listen to what she wants and requires her to dress up in a manner that makes her feel like she is not herself. From what she said, she's asked him to give a little on this and refuses to. He refuses to change. Re-read her post.
> 
> 
> This is apparently what is going on... for most of 5 years. Re-read her post.
> ...



Then its time for her to move on and get a real man that's into her. Agreed?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> My solution is to wean him off and instead of him viewing porn, she gets him to be with her and do some things that porn actresses do. That's a start to getting him off porn and into her.
> 
> Over time, his porn disappears because she weaned him off and he wants her at that point.
> 
> ...


So 5 years is not enough to wean him off porn?

It's not her job to wean him off porn either. That's his job.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> Then its time for her to move on and get a real man that's into her. Agreed?


Of course I agree... it's what I told her in the first post I made to her on this thread.

But it seems that some posters think that it's her job to play dress up with every sexual encounter with her husband because only what he wants counts.

What ever happened to just getting naked, appreciating the beauty of the naked body and getting down to good sex?


----------



## Sunflower9119 (Feb 5, 2017)

Thank you. Yes, I feel like this is only fueling him and not actually fixing the issue. He says he needs it to get excited. But over the last three years nothing has really changed. At this point, I think we will try therapy and sex therapy. I am no longer comfortable dressing up as someone I am not everytime I need intimacy. It's like I have to fight for it. He is a good guy. He's a great dad. I want to fix it. I just can't continue my entire life trying to be someone I am not to get my husband to love me in a sexual way.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr.StrongMan said:


> Hi @Sunflower9119,
> 
> Okay are you serious? What man doesn't want his wife to dress up before sex? That's what makes it so much fun! It's a celebration of a wife's beauty to dress up before sex! What's wrong with that? I think it's normal and healthy! And you should bask in the beauty of who you are and enjoy it too!
> 
> ...


What ever happened to just getting naked, appreciating the beauty of the naked body and getting down to good sex?

Do you really think that a woman should have to dress up in some costume every time she wants sex with her husband because he cannot get it up for her otherwise?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sunflower9119 said:


> Thank you. Yes, I feel like this is only fueling him and not actually fixing the issue. He says he needs it to get excited. But over the last three years nothing has really changed. At this point, I think we will try therapy and sex therapy. I am no longer comfortable dressing up as someone I am not everytime I need intimacy. It's like I have to fight for it. He is a good guy. He's a great dad. I want to fix it. I just can't continue my entire life trying to be someone I am not to get my husband to love me in a sexual way.


Since you feel that the rest of your marriage is good, I agree that some sex therapy is in order. At least that way, if it does not work, you will know that you did everything that you could do.

Could you explain what you mean by dress up? Do you mean just some pretty nighty? Or is it more? If it's more, could you describe what he wants so that we have clarity?

I know you said that he is not using porn, but I would really doubt that. How do you know that he is not using porn all this time?

Generally, when a guy with a porn addiction stops using porn, after a few months he can really get into sex with his wife/partner. To me, it sounds like your husband still has a porn addiction.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So 5 years is not enough to wean him off porn?
> 
> It's not her job to wean him off porn either. That's his job.




*What got him into the porn in the first place?

Lack of sex? Boring? Being very overweight? What?*

That's the root problem. Once you figure that out, then you can make real progress.

I doubt he started viewing porn because he had nothing better to do.

5 years addicted to porn can't just be stopped cold turkey. You can try but good luck with that.

I'm saying the way to transition him off the porn and get him into her, to start, dress up and have that adventurous sex. That's the starting transitioning point. Over time, 5 years porn addiction, 5 years transitioning, he should be into her and not porn anymore.

If she's already tried this and in vain, its time to move on and meet another guy that's into her.

If she's not willing to help him transition from porn to her and its all his doing and responsibility, that's not cool.

Marriage is 50 / 50, good or bad, rich or poor, sickness and in health.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Sunflower9119 said:


> Thank you. Yes, I feel like this is only fueling him and not actually fixing the issue. He says he needs it to get excited. But over the last three years nothing has really changed. At this point, I think we will try therapy and sex therapy. I am no longer comfortable dressing up as someone I am not everytime I need intimacy. It's like I have to fight for it. He is a good guy. He's a great dad. I want to fix it. I just can't continue my entire life trying to be someone I am not to get my husband to love me in a sexual way.


I have not read enough of your posts to determine your ages, but the older people get, sex becomes more and more about mental stimulation and less and less about physical stimulation. Much like our eyes and ears tend to get less dependable (needing glasses or a hearing aid) over time, the same happens with genitalia. In the event your husband has found his "goto" way to achieve extra stimulation, here are some things you may wish to try:

*1* Try turning out the lights and ask him to imagine you are dressed up exactly as how he would want you to be. See if this works for him or not. Pretend for him that you are dressed up and describe what you are wearing for him. This is not exactly what you would want, as you are still having to pretend, but this may help you start making a step in a better direction. In reality you would not be dressed up, but just yourself.

*2* Instead of dressing up during sex, perhaps write him a sexy story describing the way you would dress up for him and what you would do. With the lights on and without getting dressed up, read this story for him, or recite it from memory, or just improvise a story on this theme. This would allow you to avoid dressing up, you can just be yourself for him to see you just as you are, but you telling him and erotic story about dressing up would help stimulate the part of his brain that craves that.

*3* Try blindfolding him, but hand him very sexy cloths that he likes you to wear and ask him to imagine you wearing them. Pay attention to how he respond to just touching these cloths without you wearing them. Ask him to touch you without wearing any cloths and ask him to describe what he would want you to wear and why he enjoys that. Pay attention to how he respond to just touching you and only thinking about the erotic cloths. 

The purpose of these things is it start giving the two of you a way to disassociate you actually dressing up for him in ways that have the potential to be very arousing for him. You can experiment and see if his fetish requires him to touch the cloths, or to just think about them in various ways. Perhaps these exercises can unlock some new ideas. 

Perhaps you may enjoy blindfolding your husband and ask him to tell you why you look so beautiful to him when you dress up, while you just be yourself and enjoy feeling him respond to his own ideas of you. 

Hope that helps,
Badsanta


----------



## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> What ever happened to just getting naked, appreciating the beauty of the naked body and getting down to good sex?
> 
> Do you really think that a woman should have to dress up in some costume every time she wants sex with her husband because he cannot get it up for her otherwise?


I'm all for a woman just getting naked. It's all good in my opinion. Get naked! Dress up! Start having sex when you both are cleaning the kitchen floor... it's all good! 

You see, sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's very good, and when it's bad, it's still pretty good!

I personally don't think the OP's original problem is about her having to dress up for her husband before sex. I think she has feeling for another guy and she is trying to rationalize getting out to go after the other guy. Do you honestly take her reason to get out of a marriage because she has to "dress up" before sex seriously?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr.StrongMan said:


> I'm all for a woman just getting naked. It's all good in my opinion. Get naked! Dress up! Start having sex when you both are cleaning the kitchen floor... it's all good!
> 
> You see, sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's very good, and when it's bad, it's still pretty good!
> 
> I personally don't think the OP's original problem is about her having to dress up for her husband before sex. I think she has feeling for another guy and she is trying to rationalize getting out to go after the other guy. Do you honestly take her reason to get out of a marriage because she has to "dress up" before sex seriously?


Wow, you are now accusing the OP of cheating with nothing to back it up. 

If I was married to a guy who could only have sex with me if I dressed up and put on a show for him, I would feel the way the OP does. I would get to the point of not wanting sex with him because he is clearly not interested in me sexually.

A man who is addicted to porn and has little interested in his wife... a live breathing woman who wants to have sex with her is not a man who a woman should waste her time with.


----------



## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> *Wow, you are now accusing the OP of cheating with nothing to back it up. *
> 
> If I was married to a guy who could only have sex with me if I dressed up and put on a show for him, I would feel the way the OP does. I would get to the point of not wanting sex with him because he is clearly not interested in me sexually.
> 
> A man who is addicted to porn and has little interested in his wife... a live breathing woman who wants to have sex with her is not a man who a woman should waste her time with.


I never accused the OP of cheating! I merely stated that she is using her situation of wanting to get out over a man she is having feelings for. Maybe it's an emotional affair of the heart.


----------



## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Wow, you are now accusing the OP of cheating with nothing to back it up.


I have nothing from the OP post to back it up?

Please read it again:


Sunflower9119 said:


> Ia starting to have feelings for other men. I went out with my girlfriend two weeks ago and met a young man, I felt very emotionally and physically attracted to. I think about him often. The main thing I think about is how I may not have to dress up for this other human being to be sexually attracted to me and want me. I feel like I think about it often.



The beginnings of an emotional affair.

No offense OP.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

This is my experience about porn, from a male's perspective, married, 17+ years, hubby.


Mrs.CuddleBug had a low sex drive from the beginning. I'd say maybe 1x every month / 5 weeks and one time was it. Reason was due to her size and insecurities and not me.

Since I am a HD adventurous man, there is no way I can have sex 1x every month.

So I started viewing porn because I was sexually starved and weak.

I viewed porn and relieved I'd say everyday.

Talking to Mrs.CuddleBug about the lack of sex, her size, how she was treated, didn't help but it temporary made her feel better.

That's why I viewed porn. My man needs weren't being even remotely met, yet marriage is supposedly 50 / 50. Not when married to a LD spouse. It's a one way street.

Fast forward to today. My porn addiction is gone and might view porn 1x month. I bought sex toy that's amazing and gets it out of my system so I don't pester my LD wife.

It didn't matter that we talk, cuddle, do things together, what I learned from TAM, 5 love languages, etc. 

Her LD is still a problem 17+ years later and now she is getting even bigger, needling to lose 80+ lbs.

This has nothing to do with me. She is in control of her body and actions.

If I got sex only 3x to 4x per week, once every second day, that's enough so I forget about porn altogether and that weakness is gone.

I am a very visual man, so if I see a hot woman, BAMMM. That's why our women dress sexy and take care of themselves, so when we get in the mood, our ladies are there for us. We go to them instead of elsewhere.

With that in mind, everything flows naturally from that point. Romance, cuddling, going to dinner and a movie, going for a walk, etc.

But Mrs.CuddleBug says she is a good wife.

This is my take on porn and sex.


----------



## Sunflower9119 (Feb 5, 2017)

Yeah, there was feelings but no emotional affair. I have not seen/ talked to this person and probably will never cross paths with him ever again. I only think I'm now fantasizing about someone else bc I no longer have "it" in my relationship. I literally have to dress up as someone I am not in order to get my husband interested. He just won't have sex or get aroused if I'm not dressed up. Mind you, this is scandalous attire. I am not one to walk around in my pajamas day to day. I dress nicely, wear heals. I take good care of myself. I am physically fit. I run almost every other day. I don't feel like there is anything else I can do in that arena but get a boob job. Haha. 
So yeah, at this point I will continue on with therapy myself and suggest a sex therapist for the two of us. He says I am "not understanding" it's a physical issue for him. Believe me, I understand how the body works and what causes LD. I am in the medical field. However, I don't think dresssing up as a porn star to get someone excited is the answer. It certainly is making me feel like I am unwanted and I am becoming very self conscious I am not good enough as "just me".


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr.StrongMan said:


> I have nothing from the OP post to back it up?
> 
> Please read it again:
> 
> ...


Or perhaps this has made her realize how deeply she feels about being treated badly by her husband. A person cannot help feelings. They simple are. What is important is how she responds to those feelings. 

From what she has said, they have made her realize that her needs are not being met in her marriage. Her response is that she wants to get her husband to go to a sex therapist with her to try to fix the problems with their sex life. I'd say that's a very healthy response.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

In the long run for your own peace of mind you you will have to divorce him. It just comes down to what price you're prepared to pay for staying or leaving.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry you are here.

Many good women have blazed this path before you. Look, you tried and it did not work out.

Yes, this the correct approach. Divorce first, then seek out other men.

Do not marry a man because the sex with him is good.

Marry a man because he is good and he is good at sex.

Better yet, marry a man that you are very compatible with, he is good and the sex with him is good.

Take your time........no hurry necessary.


----------



## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

Sunflower9119 said:


> Yeah, there was feelings but no emotional affair. I have not seen/ talked to this person and probably will never cross paths with him ever again. I only think I'm now fantasizing about someone else bc I no longer have "it" in my relationship. I literally have to dress up as someone I am not in order to get my husband interested. He just won't have sex or get aroused if I'm not dressed up. Mind you, this is scandalous attire. I am not one to walk around in my pajamas day to day. I dress nicely, wear heals. I take good care of myself. I am physically fit. I run almost every other day. I don't feel like there is anything else I can do in that arena but get a boob job. Haha.
> So yeah, at this point I will continue on with therapy myself and suggest a sex therapist for the two of us. He says I am "not understanding" it's a physical issue for him. Believe me, I understand how the body works and what causes LD. I am in the medical field. However, I don't think dresssing up as a porn star to get someone excited is the answer. It certainly is making me feel like I am unwanted and I am becoming very self conscious I am not good enough as "just me".


Really? But you do it for him right? Why don't you just refuse?

I have to say, I'm literally dumb founded that you are thinking of divorce over such a small issue such a this. Maybe I am missing something. 

I'm not saying you don't have a right for it to not bother you. You do. You and your husband (or just you alone), should seek therapy over it. Yes, your husband needs help with the porn and his low sex drive.

But to base whether you're going to stay in a marriage because your husband needs you to dress up sexy before sex? I'm really astonished.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> So his LD was really from his porn addiction. Makes sense.
> 
> There is nothing wrong dressing up sexy to seduce your hubby. Try cosplay.
> 
> ...



I agree partially with what you are saying but in this case the dressing up is destroying her soul and she is asking why is she not acceptable to him as she is, a natural woman. She is not the one with the problem, he is and this will destroy her. Dressing up occassionally is fine but not all the time. This is not working for her and he hasn't stopped to think about what it is doing to her. This does not make for a mutually satisfying sexual experience. 

He needs some professional help and she needs to think about whether she wants to stay or not.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

aine said:


> I agree partially with what you are saying but in this case the dressing up is destroying her soul and she is asking why is she not acceptable to him as she is, a natural woman. She is not the one with the problem, he is and this will destroy her. Dressing up occassionally is fine but not all the time. This is not working for her and he hasn't stopped to think about what it is doing to her. This does not make for a mutually satisfying sexual experience.
> 
> He needs some professional help and she needs to think about whether she wants to stay or not.



If Mrs.CuddleBug came to me right now, one of my fantasies is you dress up as a fireman.......you know what? I WOULD DO IT!!!

I wouldn't feel that dressing up before sex is a bad thing at all. I would see it as a fun spicy thing and the more the merrier.

Would I feel soul crushed? NO.

We can stop doing this when we're old.

If I told Mrs.CuddeBug, I just want to have sex with you natural, nothing special.......BORING, SNORE......would get old fast.

You're only young once and why throw it away on mediocre, boring, natural? Why not spice it up as much as possible? I would love this.


----------



## Sunflower9119 (Feb 5, 2017)

CuddleBug said:


> If Mrs.CuddleBug came to me right now, one of my fantasies is you dress up as a fireman.......you know what? I WOULD DO IT!!!
> 
> I wouldn't feel that dressing up before sex is a bad thing at all. I would see it as a fun spicy thing and the more the merrier.
> 
> ...


Cuddle bug, 
I do not think dressing up is a bad thing. I. Fact it can be fun and exciting. However, I have been at a point in my marriage for the past 5 years where my husband literally doesn't want to have sex with ME unless I'm dressed up to the nines as someone I am not. So really, there is a deeper issue here. He says he needs this in order to get excited everytime. He complains if I look upset about it or comment about him not liking me for who I am. He says I'm not understanding of his "needs". I'm sick of his needs I have catered to his needs for 5 years all while sacrificing my own happiness. Idk when the last time was that he asked me what I wanted on the bedroom or if I wanted him to do anything special.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Sunflower9119 said:


> Cuddle bug,
> I do not think dressing up is a bad thing. I. Fact it can be fun and exciting. However, I have been at a point in my marriage for the past 5 years where my husband literally doesn't want to have sex with ME unless I'm dressed up to the nines as someone I am not. So really, there is a deeper issue here. He says he needs this in order to get excited everytime. He complains if I look upset about it or comment about him not liking me for who I am. He says I'm not understanding of his "needs". I'm sick of his needs I have catered to his needs for 5 years all while sacrificing my own happiness. Idk when the last time was that he asked me what I wanted on the bedroom or if I wanted him to do anything special.




If I could, I would hook you up with a good man, that isn't into porn, has a normal sex drive and is happy with you just the way you are. 

I wish I could for you.


Most common issue is sexual mismatch.

Have you tried the 5 love languages quiz?

Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages®


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> Most common issue is sexual mismatch.


Sexual mismatch is only an issue for people who choose not to end their sexually mismatched relationships.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Personal said:


> Sexual mismatch is only an issue for people who choose not to end their sexually mismatched relationships.


What would happen to TAM is there were no sexual mismatches? Gone.

I wouldn't of come here.


----------



## Sunflower9119 (Feb 5, 2017)

CuddleBug said:


> If Mrs.CuddleBug came to me right now, one of my fantasies is you dress up as a fireman.......you know what? I WOULD DO IT!!!
> 
> I wouldn't feel that dressing up before sex is a bad thing at all. I would see it as a fun spicy thing and the more the merrier.
> 
> ...


Cuddle bug, 
I do not think dressing up is a bad thing. I. Fact it can be fun and exciting. However, I have been at a point in my marriage for the past 5 years where my husband literally doesn't want to have sex with ME unless I'm dressed up to the nines as someone I am not. So really, there is a deeper issue here. He says he needs this in order to get excited everytime. He complains if I look upset about it or comment about him not liking me for who I am. He says I'm not understanding of his "needs". I'm sick of his needs I have catered to his needs for 5 years all while sacrificing my own happiness. Idk when the last time was that he asked me what I wanted on the bedroom or if I wanted him to do anything special.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Mr.StrongMan said:


> You see, sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's very good, and when it's bad, it's still pretty good!


Couldn't disagree more.

Bad sex is like having to wade through mud in a rain storm only to end up with no hot water to shower with whenever you do finally dredge through it.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Dear lord some of the men here!!!!

If your wife wanted you to dress up like a fireman that would be fine. What if the only time she had sex with you, during the course of a 5 year relationship was ONLY when you begged and only if you put on the fireman costume.

Leaving a husband who has no sexual desire for his wife is the right thing. This isn't a small thing, it isn't inconsequential, it isn't shallow or petty. It's soul crushing and no one should stay in this kind of marriage. Man or woman.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Couldn't disagree more.
> 
> Bad sex is like having to wade through mud in a rain storm only to end up with no hot water to shower with whenever you do finally dredge through it.


You're clean but miserable and royally pissed at person who failed to get the pilot light lit on the hot water heater!

No sex is better than bad sex.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Dear lord some of the men here!!!!
> 
> If your wife wanted you to dress up like a fireman that would be fine. What if the only time she had sex with you, during the course of a 5 year relationship was ONLY when you begged and only if you put on the fireman costume.
> 
> Leaving a husband who has no sexual desire for his wife is the right thing. This isn't a small thing, it isn't inconsequential, it isn't shallow or petty. It's soul crushing and no one should stay in this kind of marriage. Man or woman.


Yeah some of these responses just have me shaking my head.

I think the equivalent for a man wouldn't be his wife demanding a fireman outfit...I think it would be something more demeaning and uncomfortable for him. Like if she demanded that he let her dominate him, and he had to put on some kind bondage gear that restricted his movement while she humiliates him, just to get HERSELF turned on...meanwhile she has no care if he is turned on by any of this. Or maybe if she demanded that he strap on a huge fake c*ck that fits over his actual c*ck, because she can only be turned on by the c*cks she got addicted to when watching porn all the time.

Even if a guy (who isn't submissive) could do this and get into it a few times to please the woman he loves, he would quickly feel violated and grossed out by it if it was the ONLY way she could get turned on and if she berated him if he dared to request sex without him wearing her desired fetish out fit or huge added appendage.

I am a woman who LOVES to dress up, I love dressing up both of us. So for me, I may have the opposite type of problem. Like I wouldn't be able to be my fully sexual self if I ended up with a man who wanted "naked only" sex and was never into dress up, or if he tried to make me feel bad about myself for wanting to wear lingerie and sex clothes.

Though it isn't a fetish for me, I love naked sex as much as dress up sex. It is the variety that I enjoy. So I'm never going to require or even ask someone to do it the same way every time, that would be boring as hell. 

The OP's husband only wanting it one way and the same way every time is boring as hell, too.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> So his LD was really from his porn addiction. Makes sense.



Maybe. 

Maybe not.

It could also actually be the other way around. If he has Low Drive, or has some psychological issue where he is only aroused by risqué or sleazy images, he may have turned to porn BECAUSE of that association, rather than the porn creating it. I'm not convinced the science/psychology of arousal is really that well understood. (Any more than any other fetish, or even same-sex attraction/homosexuality).

That being said, it certainly is not "wrong" for the OP to end this marriage because of sexual incompatibility. Sex can be a deal breaker. 

I'm just not convinced that it is all necessarily something the OP's husband brought upon himself, or that he can control. What if he was impotent from diabetes and for whatever reason, couldn't have an implant, etc.? If that was a deal-breaker for the wife, most people would say that she should go her own way, but it wouldn't be necessary to vilify the husband. Just leave because the marriage doesn't work for her.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Sunflower9119 said:


> He has been to countless doctors, has been on clomid and has sought professional help for his LD.





EleGirl said:


> She has been married for 5 years. He's been like this most of the 5 years. He refuses to listen to what she wants and requires her to dress up in a manner that makes her feel like she is not herself. From what she said, she's asked him to give a little on this and refuses to. *He refuses to change.* Re-read her post.


Actually, reading her initial post seems to contradict your insinuation that he's not making an effort. She clearly states that he has "been to countless doctors, has been on clomid, and sought professional help for his LD". If going on clomid (a hormonal modulating medication) with potential side-effects doesn't count as making an effort, I have no idea what would count in your book. That seems like an effort to me.

I have enough experience in human health and disease to know that that people with problems often adapt, sometimes in ways that lead to other problems. I concede it is possible that the OP's husband may have habituated himself through porn, but I think it is also quite possible--and given his Low Drive status, possibly more likely--that he has found that more sleazy imagery was the only semi-solution to his LD problem, and he adopted that both through his porn use and need for his wife to wear similar outfits. 

I understand that this may not be an acceptable solution for the OP and may potentially turn her off sex with her husband. Fine. Then, if there is no other solution, they may need to part ways, and I don't blame her for it. However, I certainly don't think it is appropriate for you and other posters to say *"he refuses to change"* after submitting himself to hormonal manipulation and seeing many professionals. That is certainly not a refusal by any means. It may be unsuccessful, but not a refusal. 

I have no idea what makes people fixated on sexual fetishes, whether it be risqué clothing, foot fetish or whatever. (For that matter, I also don't know what makes someone homosexual/bisexual/heterosexual or whatever). To my reading, I don't see any clear consensus in the psychiatric community as to the cause of any paraphilia, which this behavior would likely fall into. 

So, I take issue with the contentions that a) the husband hasn't made an effort and b) it is under his control. I totally get that the OP may not be able to continue in this situation. But it's not necessary, or even proper, to disparage the OP's husband when he has gone through the steps of seeking professional help and subjecting himself to hormonal manipulation.


----------



## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

Sunflower- Was he diagnosed with Low T? Why was he given clomid?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> If Mrs.CuddleBug came to me right now, one of my fantasies is you dress up as a fireman.......you know what? I WOULD DO IT!!!
> 
> I wouldn't feel that dressing up before sex is a bad thing at all. I would see it as a fun spicy thing and the more the merrier.
> 
> ...


What if she told you that she can only get sexually turned on by you if you dress like a fireman every single time you have sex? That this is the only way she will have sex with you?

From what the OP says, it’s not just that her husband requires that she dress up… but it’s that she dresses like a porn star. Not that she dresses like a female version of a firemen, or a waitress… but like a sex worker/porn star. The message is very different with different types of dress.


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

If the husband can't get it up... and I know what that is like. Then some sort of solution will be needed, but who knows. What are the ages? You said you were a virgin, does that mean he was also much older than you? If he is 60+ years old, that becomes a challenge. If he's in his 20s or early 30s - its usually a health issue and/or a porn problem.

Now when I had ED issues, it was mental trauma that needed to be worked out. Viagra did not work. But at no point was did I have a "don't care" type attitude.

His slooty / pretend to be someone-else fantasy ALL THE time *IS*/always was a problem. You should be able to make love your SO 

If he's content with his LD and/or doesn't care to do anymore. Then something needs to give. Don't give in to cheating. But you're going to have to have a direct, matter-of-face, honest talk with your husband.

1 - you need sex and intimacy that he isn't giving.
2 - this is the only area that he's lacking... but you haven't cheated on him - but you want to have sex.

So he has options:
A - He makes an effort to resolve the problem (if its actually medical - then your are SOL)
B - The outfits are not going to work FOR YOU, its not fair and it means he's pretending to have sex with someone else... that is NOT YOU. If he can't give you that respect... then what? It goes back to A (resolve the sexual problem)

C - you divorce from each other or separate.
D - You get to have sex with other men while he babysits. Maybe he wants that? Maybe he'll finally get hard? But even so - it will likely end in divorce. 

There isn't much beyond that.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

badsanta said:


> There are different "modes" in which people express their sexuality and seek validation. It sounds as if you want "partner engagement" which is an experience in which two people are highly connected to one another emotionally and very accepting of each other just as they are. Meanwhile your husband enjoys "role play" in which he has a fantasy that needs to be acted out and scripted. Role play often involves pretending to be someone that you are not.
> 
> Both modes of sexual engagement have their merits. Some people with a great deal of confidence enjoy assuming the "role" of someone else and it does not conflict with their sense of self. If anything it actually helps expand on their sense of self as the realize that they can be capable of becoming anyone if they choose to do so. However this personality type is likely rare in the bedroom.
> 
> ...


Love this!

It's an interesting topic, the whole role-play, dressing up thing, and I see both sides.

A number of years ago, I asked my wife, just for kicks, to put on this 'sexy' wig she had bought as part of a halloween costume. I thought nothing of it, truly, as it would just be something different. She responded very negatively, and insinuated that I wanted her to 'be someone else' - which was not true, obviously, but try explaining that! (worth noting that this didn't infuriate her or anything, it was more of a 'you're kidding me, right?' response) But I absolutely didn't expect that.

So to her, she heard 'you're not good enough, make yourself look different for my benefit'. To me, I was just trying to have fun. In my head, she's still my wife - not someone else.

But that got me thinking - why did I ask her to make herself look different? It's not like I'm bored of her. It's not like I need something/someone new.

In any case, it's just one of those unwritten rules about relationships (marriage especially...) - don't ask (and never _tell_) your wife to dress up, for any occasion, ever.  You're pretty much saying "get sexy!" And she's hearing "you're not sexy".

My wife, like most women, has sexy lingerie, that she bought of her own accord, for my benefit (as well as hers). She would wear something sexy maybe once a month or so, up until that ONE time I asked her to. Never. Saw. It. Again.

:grin2:


----------



## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Sunflower9119 said:


> Cuddle bug,
> I do not think dressing up is a bad thing. I. Fact it can be fun and exciting. However, I have been at a point in my marriage for the past 5 years where my husband literally doesn't want to have sex with ME unless I'm dressed up to the nines as someone I am not. So really, there is a deeper issue here. He says he needs this in order to get excited everytime. He complains if I look upset about it or comment about him not liking me for who I am. He says I'm not understanding of his "needs". I'm sick of his needs I have catered to his needs for 5 years all while sacrificing my own happiness. Idk when the last time was that he asked me what I wanted on the bedroom or if I wanted him to do anything special.


I would just say "no". And if he complained and went on about "his needs", I'd just say "there be two people here buddy". 

Foot down.

Honestly, if I felt I wasn't appreciated for who I am, I wouldn't put up with it for as long as you have. Not even close.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Though it isn't a fetish for me, I love naked sex as much as dress up sex. It is the variety that I enjoy. So I'm never going to require or even ask someone to do it the same way every time, that would be boring as hell.
> 
> The OP's husband only wanting it one way and the same way every time is boring as hell, too.


The OP at this point does not need variety it seems, I think she would be happy doing the same thing over and over as long as it does not involve her having to dress up anymore. She seems upset that she just can't be herself, relax, and allow sex to be simple and natural in her marriage. I think if sex were simple and natural that she would be ecstatically happy, even if many people would define that as boring. 

What is interesting is that you would claim to have problems with the OP's husband as well if you envision yourself in that same marriage. Your problem would however be the result of boredom if he insisted for you to dress up the same way time after time. Meanwhile you have no problem with dressing up, nor does the OP for that matter. But I do not think "boredom" is the core issue for the OP. She just wants to be herself, she just wants things to be simple, she likely craves for boredom if it can come in the form of just being simple and natural every time.

On the other hand what are the husband's issues? He seems to have a compulsion/fetish for lingerie and without it he can not function sexually. I would argue that he has become dependent upon _overstimulation_, and that lingerie is his goto choice to _enhance_ his experience. 

The best question to ask in my opinion, is what other ways can she _overstimulate_ her husband that leads to a more natural experience for her? What ways can she _overstimulate_ her husband that she can attribute to her just being herself?

I'm thinking a blind fold would be a great place to start! Sensory deprivation can cause other parts of the brain to become hyperactive and overstimulated. His visual cortex needs to be retrained and rewired during sex.

Badsanta


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

alexm said:


> My wife, like most women, has sexy lingerie, that she bought of her own accord, for my benefit (as well as hers). She would wear something sexy maybe once a month or so, up until that ONE time I asked her to. Never. Saw. It. Again.


My wife has not worn any lingerie in over a decade. Like you, as soon as I asked for it, I never saw it again.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

badsanta said:


> What is interesting is that you would claim to have problems with the OP's husband as well if you envision yourself in that same marriage. Your problem would however be the result of boredom if he insisted for you to dress up the same way time after time. Meanwhile you have no problem with dressing up, nor does the OP for that matter. But I do not think "boredom" is the core issue for the OP. She just wants to be herself, she just wants things to be simple, she likely craves for boredom if it can come in the form of just being simple and natural every time.
> Badsanta


I called him boring, and called anyone else who only wanted it the same way every time boring...but my real problem with the OP's husband would be the same as the OP is having: he has no regard for what she needs or wants, he is stuck in his head in his fetish and it is ruining their intimacy because it isn't about her, it is about an old porn habit for him. GROSS.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I haven't seen anything about the age gap between the OP and her H. I think there are a few things going on. First his porn usage HAS changed how he responds to visual/emotional stimulation for sex. He seems to not have that link between marital love and sexuality - that sex to him is merely a means to getting off. But there potentially additional facets to the is issue as well. If he's significantly older than the OP - even if he's in his mid 40s - we may be talking about a completely different world view between the two. She's the younger woman who never had another partner besides him - and because of her sex drive she wants different things out of life. The H appears to actually not be all that into sex anymore - with porn usage significantly lower than in earlier years. So he may either be suffering from low T or he may simply be moving into another phase where sex will never be that high on his list again. 

I have no idea what the age difference is between the two, but I will say that I've NEVER been a huge fan of relationships with significant age gaps. While sex is one reason why age gaps are not great, the emotional side of the situation is probably an even bigger challenge. With the big age gap, life expectations/goals can be significantly different. Life experiences are more than likely to be very different. At the risk of stereotyping, when you have a significant age gap you are going to see someone with mommy/daddy issues, someone who is emotionally stunted or someone who is looking for a trophy/status symbol. JMHO.


----------



## Sunflower9119 (Feb 5, 2017)

Yes, My husband is 10 years older. He is 40.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Sunflower9119 said:


> Will my husband only want me when I'm dressed up as someone I am not?


When I first saw the title of your thread, I was going to tell you to appreciate the fact that your husband still views you as someone very sexy and turns to you instead of images of other women. 

However, your predicament is obviously much different than that more common scenario. It seems rare for sexual problems/mismatches to ever be completely fixed to everyone's satisfaction.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Sunflower9119 said:


> Yes, My husband is 10 years older. He is 40.


We're not talking about someone in their late 50s, 60s or older, so I don't think he's losing sex drive due to natural aging. If I was married to a woman 10 years younger than me who had an athletic build due to working out AND had a healthy sex drive...I'd be having A LOT of sex...LOL. I'm saying that as a 42 YO male who can both look at porn regularly and still feel strong desire for my 43 YO wife (who still looks great to me btw). To me, I'd take a serious look at his T levels thru consultation with his PCP. If the PCP can't help much, then a referral to a Dr that treats male hormone issues. That plus him needing to figure out that RL is so much sweeter - sexually - than porn fantasy and he can get this licked. The way you described your H, I thought we were talking about an old man. He's younger than I thought and you are older than I thought. Not sure what that means yet from an emotional POV.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think the dressing up is a side effect. The basic problem is that he doesn't enjoy pleasing her in bed. If he did, then he would be happy to have lovemaking sessions of the sort she wanted and I expect she would be happy to sometimes play to his fantasies.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> I called him boring, and called anyone else who only wanted it the same way every time boring...but my real problem with the OP's husband would be the same as the OP is having: he has no regard for what she needs or wants, he is stuck in his head in his fetish and it is ruining their intimacy because it isn't about her, it is about an old porn habit for him. GROSS.


Agreed! But aside from pointing out problems, what advice would you have about helping someone overcome a compulsive fetish? 

I had some rather strange fetishes when I met my wife. I was obsessed with them somewhat. But today my fetishes of the past no longer interest me. Perhaps I may think about them just to see how I respond, but I would describe them as something that used to fascinate me, but now it is only mildly entertaining. 

Badsanta


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

uhtred said:


> I think the dressing up is a side effect. The basic problem is that he doesn't enjoy pleasing her in bed. If he did, then he would be happy to have lovemaking sessions of the sort she wanted and I expect she would be happy to sometimes play to his fantasies.


This, it seems, is what the OP feels about their sex life. I think it's a pretty valid assessment.


----------



## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Just an observation.............. the couple of men here that are basically saying she is the one with the problem and what is the big deal about dressing up every time are also men with dysfunctional sex lives, hmmmm.

OP it sounds like you have reached your limit and rightly so, what your husband wants is neither well balanced or flattering. A partner should make you feel truly wanted and desired or they run the risk of losing you. He has issues and unless he makes the decision to change his behaviour then this is it for the rest of your life. Don't waste your best years on a man that isn't worth it.

Dressing up is a lot of fun and so is sex, but a good healthy sex life is where both partners get their needs met and do not have to every day sacrifice their needs for the other. A good man is one that wants to devour his wife no matter what she is or isn't wearing, one that wants his hands all over you without you having to dress up.

For some perspective, MrH is mid 50's and wants me whether I am all sweaty after the gym or if I am dressed to the nines and wearing killer heels. We do role play, I have a big lingerie collection but it is about fun and those things are thrown in for variety. Would bore me stupid and feel insulting to have to dress up every night. I could not respect or keep my desire for a man/child like this.

Time for a serious talk with your husband, the rest of your sexual life is on the line here.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

My wife very often wears lingerie for me, but its done at her choice (I never ask), and I've many times let her know that I'm attracted to her with or without it - but that I appreciate her wanting to be attractive to me.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

badsanta said:


> Agreed! But aside from pointing out problems, what advice would you have about helping someone overcome a compulsive fetish?


The only advice I have for any mismatch, is to force the topic, over and over, until you break through somehow and convince the other that you have one foot out the door and they are finally ready to hear and believe you and work on things.....or if that doesn't happen, walk.

If someone isn't ready to walk, then I suggest they focus entirely on themselves and give up trying to change their spouse. They may find that they can reach acceptance of the situation even if no changes occur. Or...they will come to a point where they ARE ready to walk and when that happens, see above.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"Just an observation.............. the couple of men here that are basically saying she is the one with the problem and what is the big deal about dressing up every time are also men with dysfunctional sex lives, hmmmm."

Well, I wasn't going to say anything.:wink2:

I think the OP should require her husband to chop a cord of wood while wearing a diaper so she can get aroused. Every damn time.

You come home from work; you prepare dinner; you shower; then, you have to go through all of this rigamarole of painting face & donning a costume while you're dog-tired. Um, no thanks. Next.


----------



## Sunflower9119 (Feb 5, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> "Just an observation.............. the couple of men here that are basically saying she is the one with the problem and what is the big deal about dressing up every time are also men with dysfunctional sex lives, hmmmm."
> 
> Well, I wasn't going to say anything.
> 
> ...


Hahaha! Yep. That could be a very interesting trade. 
Yeah, I carry a full time job, have a toddler. Pretty much that's exactly how it is. I'm dog tired and if I want any lovin there is an expectation I should then be dressing up to get him aroused. When I refuse or say no, he thinks I'm not "understanding" his needs for an extra something to get him stimulated. Fml.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mr.StrongMan said:


> Hi @Sunflower9119,
> 
> Okay are you serious? What man doesn't want his wife to dress up before sex? That's what makes it so much fun! It's a celebration of a wife's beauty to dress up before sex! What's wrong with that? I think it's normal and healthy! And you should bask in the beauty of who you are and enjoy it too!
> 
> ...



Are you for real StrongMan? if so, you are more obtuse that I thought! Her H wants a porn star before he can get it up, FFS! you think that is normal? :scratchhead:


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> The only advice I have for any mismatch, is to force the topic, over and over, until you break through somehow and convince the other that you have one foot out the door and they are finally ready to hear and believe you and work on things.....or if that doesn't happen, walk.
> 
> If someone isn't ready to walk, then I suggest they focus entirely on themselves and give up trying to change their spouse. They may find that they can reach acceptance of the situation even if no changes occur. Or...they will come to a point where they ARE ready to walk and when that happens, see above.


While that is great advice, if the OP were to focus just on herself, she admitted to finding the idea of another man that would NOT make her dress up to be something she fears would become too tempting for her. If one "gives up" trying to work on problems, that will add some distance in the relationship. Sometimes that distance can actually add stability to a relationship and actually help, but in her case there are things already starting to pull her away as soon as she lets go of what little she is hanging onto.

I do agree with some of the other posters that his "fetish" is not the only problem, but also that he seems selfish and unwilling to try and accommodate his wife's desires in the bedroom and do what ever it takes to make her feel loved. 

If I were the OP, I would take all the lingerie and burn it so that there is nothing in the house for her to dress up for her husband. She should even go so far as to make him do it, or threaten to leave him. She needs to make it obvious that she will no longer tolerate his selfishness and that part of her marriage is DONE!


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

asking you to dress up sexy is really not all that big of a deal. Unless he is implying that you are ugly and need to hide it with lingerie, why not go along for the ride.

But how about trying other things. Obviously he needs MORE than just standard PIV sex to get turned on. That has NOTHING to do with how sexy your body is, it is just a medical form of ED he has. In no particular order, have you tried:
1) tying him to a chair naked, then playing with various parts of his body teasing him, and finally sliding onto his lap to finish with PIV sex
2) various types of nipple stimulation, such as nipple clamps, leather crops, etc
3) Pegging him first before he can give you PIV sex
4) Put his penis in a chastity cage, and only unlocking it when YOU are ready for PIV sex

and so on. In other words, OVERLOAD his kinky mind with new types of kink, and see if you find something where YOU are in control that turns him on enough to be able to have PIV sex.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Talker67 said:


> *asking you to dress up sexy is really not all that big of a deal. Unless he is implying that you are ugly and need to hide it with lingerie, why not go along for the ride.
> *
> But how about trying other things. Obviously he needs MORE than just standard PIV sex to get turned on. That has NOTHING to do with how sexy your body is, it is just a medical form of ED he has. In no particular order, have you tried:
> 1) tying him to a chair naked, then playing with various parts of his body teasing him, and finally sliding onto his lap to finish with PIV sex
> ...


Unless, you work a full time job and then come home and chase a toddler around, feed her & tuck her into bed and then go about your other chores for the evening before you can even think of taking a shower let alone play Debbie Does Dallas. And, it isn't 'medical'. It is psychological.


----------



## Sunflower9119 (Feb 5, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> asking you to dress up sexy is really not all that big of a deal. Unless he is implying that you are ugly and need to hide it with lingerie, why not go along for the ride.
> 
> But how about trying other things. Obviously he needs MORE than just standard PIV sex to get turned on. That has NOTHING to do with how sexy your body is, it is just a medical form of ED he has. In no particular order, have you tried:
> 1) tying him to a chair naked, then playing with various parts of his body teasing him, and finally sliding onto his lap to finish with PIV sex
> ...


Oh my. This is a lot after a long day. This is just feeding into the issue and also working to please him. I consider myself to be pretty open, but this may be a bit much for me when I'm looking for some love and romance.


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

MrsHolland said:


> *For some perspective, MrH is mid 50's and wants me whether I am all sweaty after the gym or if I am dressed to the nines and wearing killer heels.* We do role play, I have a big lingerie collection but it is about fun and those things are thrown in for variety. Would bore me stupid and feel insulting to have to dress up every night. I could not respect or keep my desire for a man/child like this.
> 
> Time for a serious talk with your husband, the rest of your sexual life is on the line here.


Now THAT is what sounds 'normal' to me. Would I like her to pull out some of those skimpy/lacy outfits that haven't left the drawer for 15 years - sure, but it isn't necessary...


----------



## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> asking you to dress up sexy is really not all that big of a deal. Unless he is implying that you are ugly and need to hide it with lingerie, why not go along for the ride.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I'm sorry but this is very irresponsible "advice." He is a porn addict and this further fuels it. Please don't make her feel like she is responsible for him in this manner.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

@Sunflower9119

I got it! You say he likes you to dress up? Return the favor and make him dress up to for you! Take him to a tailor and have him fitted for a nice suite, and demand he take you our for a nice dinner!










French cuffs and everything, and give him endless crap if his shoes are not perfectly shined!!!!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Isn't that going to get a little expensive every time she wants to have sex? Not to mention kinda hard to pull off after work.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Isn't that going to get a little expensive every time she wants to have sex? Not to mention kinda hard to pull off after work.


No one said anything about requiring NEW role play costumes each time!


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Steve1000 said:


> No one said anything about requiring NEW role play costumes each time!


Even better if she pulls an old suite of his out of the closet that really is too small, and forces him to take her out on the town while he is dressed up in it!!!!

Make him lean down and help you tie your shoes while his shoulders feel like sardines packed way to tight in a can!


----------



## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Even better if she pulls an old suite of his out of the closet that really is too small, and forces him to take her out on the town while he is dressed up in it!!!!
> 
> 
> 
> Make him lean down and help you tie your shoes while his shoulders feel like sardines packed way to tight in a can!




OMG! Haha


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

HI
Get into see a marital therapist and a sex therapist. You both get in touch with New-Life Live. In Chicago it is on WYLL AM 1160. New Life is hosted by pastors,psychiatrists, and psychologist. The work with issues such as yours. Get to their every man's battle and every woman's battle. This is what happens in porn. Masturbating and he is focusing and fantasizing on the woman he watching getting sex. This gets imprinted in his head just like a animal gets fixated on the first living thing it sees and thinks it is it's mother. A duck thinking a dog is it's mother. While he ejaculates oxytocin, the closeness hormone, is secreted in his blood stream and he is hooked, turned on by it more than seeing you naked and romancing him; hence, the low libido. Just picture heroin hitting the pleasure sensor in the brain. Just one try with heroin he is hooked. The pleasure center overrides the brains time management and urge process so badly one becomes an addict almost immediately. Over-time it is the same for porn becoming an addiction. Some proponents say it is o.k. once in a while for couples to spice thing up, but some don't.

Since he is a visual person he likes to see you dress up. I hope with the normal Victoria Secret stuff, buy I prefer the sexy items from Sonoma, JC penney, macies. Doesn't have to be a super, duper lacy, just pretty, colorful, a little frilly, us guys are visual. You need to force the issue and most likely need to set up a program that you have sex regularly to reset his libido to you. He needs to do his part with chores, listening to your needs and treat you as a loving partner with affection. He needs admiration and sex, you need emotional love to get interested in sex. The therapists will help you with this.

Read everything and listed to all the audio books on CD's by John Gottman Ph.D from the year 2000 on. It goes into everything you need to survive almost issues. He also has retreats that deal with relationships issues of all kinds. I am 52 and got diabetes, mid-life crisis form losing a career and financial issues, and not giving eacch other what we need emotionally.I am getting a mutual divorce for these reason. I lost my mojo and I miss the closeness and making love. One thing that dropped is feeling admired, sexy, and ambition to romance. I have to try, do it, go through the motions with more touching, talking, massaging, getting enough sleep, and not working 7 days a week. Best thing to do is to become supportive, loving, understanding, patient, forgiving, and don't bail emotionally. Put the emotion into your husband and he too for you to communicate on an emotional level, more so than ever.... Try.. Good luck!

Make arrangements to do the above to help, both of you need to do it... Have sex willingly if in mood and often, but make bids and mention what you want to feel loved, help him out. Nobody is a mind reader. On the sexual level, I am not no counselor or endocrinologist, but from what I read you may get a head start to reset his oxytocin imprint clock. By the way... find all porn and discard it. Block all cellphones, T.V. streaming services, and your computer, and tablets from porn. They sell the programs for all these items. Watch him like a hawk and limit his chances for viewing... He can only break the habbit if he wants to. Try to salvage to the point you cant' tolerate no change in behavior or libido, then try once more time just a bit longer. If they has not been a correction and improvement in all areas of your relationship you did your best and nobody would fault anyone for leaving. Men or woman alike. Good luck.


----------



## Sunflower9119 (Feb 5, 2017)

badsanta said:


> Steve1000 said:
> 
> 
> > No one said anything about requiring NEW role play costumes each time!
> ...


 lmao this is great. I may just suggest this to see what kind of response I will get. Hahaha


----------



## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Has he been tested for low T?


----------



## Sunflower9119 (Feb 5, 2017)

manwithnoname said:


> Has he been tested for low T?


Yes, he has been tested. Levels were low like 6 years ago. Slightly lower then normal. Nothing major. Then he went on clomid. His levels have been at a normal range for 3 years or slightly above even. He has been to an endocrinologist. No other issues found w hormones. I think it's really psychological. I think my husband really loves women in pornographic form. It's what arouses him. He doesn't watch porn. He says his overall interest is low for sex that's why he needs me to entice him in some get up in order to get excited.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I want my W to always dress sexy for me before sex. It's visual foreplay and increases my desire and sexual enjoyment. This is completely normal

Of course she doesn't do this much of the time but then I have to fantasize of other women or sexually stimulating things to get aroused. I hate that but recognize it's necessary and she's not willing to always put in the effort. And BTW I always make myself as attractive, clean and nice as possible (there are limitations unfortunately  ) 

I am very visual sexually. Many women are aroused by reading female porn - romance novels.

Suggesting your H is somehow defective or you're "not enough" to me means you're not taking the time to understand accept his needs, and also twisting his Needs into something to make yourself feel bad.

He may appear LD simply because you show an unwillingness to meet his needs, or somehow shame him for them 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Sunflower9119 (Feb 5, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I want my W to always dress sexy for me before sex. It's visual foreplay and increases my desire and sexual enjoyment. This is completely normal
> 
> Of course she doesn't do this much of the time but then I have to fantasize of other women or sexually stimulating things to get aroused. I hate that but recognize it's necessary and she's not willing to always put in the effort. And BTW I always make myself as attractive, clean and nice as possible (there are limitations unfortunately
> 
> ...


 no, this is not normal. It's also not an issue of shaming him or not needing his needs. It's an issue of him never meeting my needs or thinking of them too. Marriage is a two way street, bud. Its sad u have to think of other women as well in order to get aroused. A lot of men out there have a normal, healthy outlook on sex. They don't have to think of other woman or make their lady dress up in order to feel passionate about touching her.


----------



## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

badsanta said:


> @Sunflower9119
> 
> I got it! You say he likes you to dress up? Return the favor and make him dress up to for you! Take him to a tailor and have him fitted for a nice suite, and demand he take you our for a nice dinner!
> 
> ...


Oh my I have such a thing for suits, French Cuffs, Cufflinks :smthumbup: Yay for me that MrH wears suit, tie, French Cuffs most work days. He has a Cufflink collection to be proud of.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Sunflower9119 said:


> no, this is not normal. It's also not an issue of shaming him or not needing his needs. It's an issue of him never meeting my needs or thinking of them too. Marriage is a two way street, bud. Its sad u have to think of other women as well in order to get aroused. A lot of men out there have a normal, healthy outlook on sex. They don't have to think of other woman or make their lady dress up in order to feel passionate about touching her.




Sorry but I don't think you have a very realistic view of how men think.

Why do you think sexuality is EVERYWHERE? Like on billboards, magazines, movies, TV shows, books, store windows. Sex sells, that's why. Even Disney movies have very sexualized characters and scenes.

Many people have healthy, monogamous views of sexuality, and enjoy looking at the opposite sex.

I didn't address his meeting or not meeting your needs because that's a completely separate topic and has nothing to do with normal views of sexuality.

Btw last night I went to bed... was just tired and not really interested in sex, but saw my lovely bride in her T shirt and panties and liked what I saw. Dressing up can mean anything one finds sexy...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Sorry but I don't think you have a very realistic view of how men think.
> 
> Why do you think sexuality is EVERYWHERE? Like on billboards, magazines, movies, TV shows, books, store windows. Sex sells, that's why. Even Disney movies have very sexualized characters and scenes.
> 
> ...


There is a difference between "liking what you see" and dictating what another person should wear before you can ever like what you see. 

Yes, sex sells. No doubt. But if my husband is trying to turn me into a billboard or a Disney character, he's with the wrong person.


----------



## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Even better if she pulls an old suite of his out of the closet that really is too small, and forces him to take her out on the town while he is dressed up in it!!!!
> 
> Make him lean down and help you tie your shoes while his shoulders feel like sardines packed way to tight in a can!


I'm getting the impression that an actual equivalent would be to give him a leopard spot thong and a dog collar and lead him around on a leash. 

But maybe I'm exaggerating.


----------



## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Sunflower9119 said:


> no, this is not normal. It's also not an issue of shaming him or not needing his needs. It's an issue of him never meeting my needs or thinking of them too. Marriage is a two way street, bud. Its sad u have to think of other women as well in order to get aroused. A lot of men out there have a normal, healthy outlook on sex. They don't have to think of other woman or make their lady dress up in order to feel passionate about touching her.


Have you tried other ways of getting him aroused? It sounds to me like a huge part of his problem is the drugs he is on, and while some drugs can really do a guy in, a lot of them can be worked around. My husband also takes a bunch of meds that make it really difficult for him to get hard, but I've learned a bunch of techniques to work around that. 

Although my husband isn't really into all the porned out lingerie either ...


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Steve1000 said:


> No one said anything about requiring NEW role play costumes each time!


Humor fail.>


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Humor fail.>


Humo*u*r fixed. :wink2:


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I didn't address his meeting or not meeting your needs because that's a completely separate topic and has nothing to do with normal views of sexuality.


Huh? :scratchhead:


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I didn't address his meeting or not meeting your needs because that's a completely separate topic and has nothing to do with normal views of sexuality.



OMG










@TheTruthHurts when is the last time you saw a clothing store full of very opinionated and passionate husbands insisting their wives keep trying harder to find something that looks nice? Nope... most men could care less what their wife wears, so here is what husbands look like when decision making is going on for lingerie:










If anything, most of those men are thinking if they could sneak off and get back in time to eat a cheeseburger without getting caught!

Badsanta

PS: OMG, I just noticed the one guy staring at his watch standing next to the door in the back. He is probably more worried about missing kickoff than whatever bra his wife buys or does not buy.


----------



## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

badsanta said:


> OMG
> 
> 
> @TheTruthHurts when is the last time you saw a clothing store full of very opinionated and passionate husbands insisting their wives keep trying harder to find something that looks nice? Nope... most men could care less what their wife wears, so here is what husbands look like when decision making is going on for lingerie:


Actually, it would seem that some men are actually very demanding about what women should and should not wear.

Of course, my opinion is that women should ignore these demands entirely. There is, IMHO, altogether too much pressure on women to conform to ideals set by others. And ultimately? Well, women need to determine their own identity for themselves.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

MrsHolland said:


> Just an observation.............. the couple of men here that are basically saying she is the one with the problem and what is the big deal about dressing up every time are also men with dysfunctional sex lives, hmmmm.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I'm skipping around on this thread - sorry I usually read from the beginning so I don't post complete crap - but I have to call you out @MrsHolland. In fact, from all the prior posts I've read of yours, you are a very open minded, very sensual / sexual person. I know that sounds weird to say, but my point is that I'm sure you're very open and available to your H and genuinely enjoy him. So, I'm sorry, but I suspect your sweaty self can still be a sexy, desirable self. Clothes are just another way to show your desire... I'm sure yours comes through. Many women have difficulty showing that desire because of FOO issues and upbringing.

Since I didn't actually read the whole thread, I'm ready to stipulate that OP's H is a loser, unfeeling, unromantic guy if the people I respect on TAM say so. I only posted because what I did read talked only about dressing up and I never fault man or woman who lays out their preferences to help with arousal


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I'm skipping around on this thread - sorry I usually read from the beginning so I don't post complete crap - but I have to call you out @MrsHolland. In fact, from all the prior posts I've read of yours, you are a very open minded, very sensual / sexual person. I know that sounds weird to say, but my point is that I'm sure you're very open and available to your H and genuinely enjoy him. So, I'm sorry, but I suspect your sweaty self can still be a sexy, desirable self. Clothes are just another way to show your desire... I'm sure yours comes through. Many women have difficulty showing that desire because of FOO issues and upbringing.
> 
> Since I didn't actually read the whole thread, I'm ready to stipulate that OP's H is a loser, unfeeling, unromantic guy if the people I respect on TAM say so. I only posted because what I did read talked only about dressing up and I never fault man or woman who lays out their preferences to help with arousal
> 
> ...


I don't quite get what you are calling me out on. Yes I am open minded and a sexual being, yes I feel comfortable in my gym gear. My point to the OP was more about my partner desiring me no matter if it is sweaty gym gear or dressed up and everything in between. There is no need for me to pretend to be anyone else for him, he likes me for me. 

This is not what the OPs husband does, he wants her to be anything other than herself and that would feel pretty demoralising. If he likes her to dress up that is fine but IMHO it is only OK if she actually enjoys it and it is not a pre requisite for him being able to get it up.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> He may appear LD simply because you show an unwillingness to meet his needs, or somehow shame him for them


The term you are searching for is "being a boner killer"


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

wild jade said:


> Actually, it would seem that some men are actually very demanding about what women should and should not wear.
> *
> Of course, my opinion is that women should ignore these demands entirely*. There is, IMHO, altogether too much pressure on women to conform to ideals set by others. And ultimately? Well, women need to determine their own identity for themselves.


that is fine, just so long as you do not mind him completely ignoring YOU sexually in return. 
Sex is a negotiation. If your immediate response is to ignore or ridicule the man, he will stop trying, and may even find a woman who does not treat him so poorly.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I agree if its "demanding". OTOH, doing things that please your partner is great if they do the same for you. 



wild jade said:


> Actually, it would seem that some men are actually very demanding about what women should and should not wear.
> 
> Of course, my opinion is that women should ignore these demands entirely. There is, IMHO, altogether too much pressure on women to conform to ideals set by others. And ultimately? Well, women need to determine their own identity for themselves.


----------

