# Unfortunate newbie here......here I go..



## gilster (Oct 10, 2014)

Greetings all. Been reading lots in the last little while.

My wife and I have been married for 14yrs and known each other for 7 before that. We have 2 beautiful boys, 10 and 13.

As everyone else states or most ppl anyway we have had our usual ups and downs. We have gone to some counselling in the past but it didnt really focus on our marriage per say but issues within caused by outside problems.

My wife is a very strong willed person. She wears her heart on her sleeve. Extremely hard working, almost to much, and successfull. She does however get very stressed out with work as well as other relationships with family and friends.

I like to think of myself as being a very good house husband. In other words I am home early to greet the boys from school, start dinner, clean, vacuum, (we are both a little OCD), whatever needs to be done around the house. My wife also does her part in the morning getting the boys off to school etc... My wife just expects these things to be done, where as I think, based on other guys I know, I am the exception. Meaning most of my other friends dont do nearly as much as i do arround the house. Whatever.....

Her issues, or I guess I should say our issues, is that the emotional side that she craves is apperantly not there. Now let me tell you I make sure every day that I tell her I love her, compliment her on her looks or what she is wearing, giver her a kiss and a hug, all that stuff.....I love her very much!

We have busy schedules as do all parents of young kids. Baseball diamonds 5 times a week and on weekends. Now hockey season is starting up. Our last quarrel was all about not doing stuff together enough, not having our time away from the kids. I understand that is needed but its hard to do let alone keep awake after a busy day.....

I fell hard for her when I met her. In Cuba of all places. Now we had the typical early 20's relationship where a few breakups happened but all in all it was great. After 7yrs of dating we got married. Bought a house just before the wedding where i lived full time. She would come for sleepovers every once in a while. LOL.

We went thru typical periods of financial instability, overspending, etc... that would spark up arguements but nothing out of the ordinary.

It has only been recently (well she says the last 7 years) that we have had discussions about her emotional needs are not being met. It kinda surprised me because i thought everything was cool. This has happened a cpl times in the last cpl years that i can remember, not the last 7 yrs. Anyways each time we talk about her emotional needs i tell her how much i love her and that im sorry for not paying better attention to her needs. Honestly i don't know what i am doing wrong or not doing at all.

I try and explain that how can i do something or say something to meet her emmotional needs when i dont know what to do? I ask for her help but she refuses to give it to me. She says if i dont know what to do then there is a problem. Yah, duh!

So just last week we went out for drinks with family and friends. I left early cause i had to be up early with my son for hockey at 6am. So as i am making my morning coffee, getting the boy ready etc... i see her phone on the counter, open to an email from a guy whom i now know is a co-worker of hers. The email was in reply to my wifes which read "sitting here having drinks and thinking of you". His reply was "im thinking of you too"

So a cpl days go by, all is good. We even have great sex that weekend! Monday night she asks me if i saw an email on her phone. I said yes i did. She goes on to explain that it was meant for her sister, who btw is having an affair, and she was using it to talk to her lover..... So we talk a little bit more and I am convinced, sort of.

A few minutes later she admits the whole story was a lie and that she did indeed send the email. Anyways long story short she explains its just a guy from work who is going thru the same emmotional detachment from his wife and all they are doing is talking....

Cue the "big discussion" She explains again how she can't go on like this in our relationship. That her emmotional needs are not being fullfilled. That everytime we have this discussion nothing changes...... She asks me to leave.

Last night we explain to the kids that we are taking some time apart. That its not their fault at all. Its just something we need. All this time im thinking to myself its not something I need, I dont want to leave, I love you soo much, lets just work on this.... Kids were crushed. i am soooo worried about them

So im living at my parents place for the time being. Wondering where the hell i went wrong. I have signed up for counselling which starts next week, which btw my wife does not want to attend or make an attempt at.

Like so many other men on here i am crushed. Cant concentrate at work, cant sleep even thou its only been a cpl nights. Just keep going over the same thoughts and wondering how long is this going to take.

The fear of her wanting this to be permanent. The fear of having to move on, child support, new living arrangements, oh god......

We had our 15th anniversary planned just recently which we were looking so forward too....

I dont know what to do....i love her so much, i love our family, our lives, we have so much fun together, our friends, so much to look forward to. Its horribble.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

She's not happy (and she's having an affair), so you move out? Move back in before it becomes the status quo. 

Dude, your best option is to blow this up. Expose to her family and the OM's family do you know who the other guy is? Have you talked to a lawyer?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Move back into your house - pronto!!


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## gilster (Oct 10, 2014)

I have not talked to a lawyer.

Due to the circumstances it was best that she stay at the house. Remember we have kids.

I know who the guy is because i searched him up on LinkedIN, Facebook, etc..... I had his email address.

Either i am really naive or I just trust her and that this will work out. No sense breaking up another family.....


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Do not ever leave your house because she had an affair.

Your answer should have been "I am not leaving my house, you leave and don't let the door hit you in the arse"

By you leaving it's basically telling her it's your fault but in fact it is HER fault. Cheaters follow a basic script by blaming it on the other spouse.

Grab your balls back and get back in that house. Or you will find soon the other guy is sleeping in YOUR bed.

Did she have sex with him?
You need to find more emails....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, you may get some value having this thread moved to the "Coping With Infidelity " forum... Because until you deal with that, you have no hope of "fixing" your relationship with your wife, assuming you want to try. Let me know if you want to move this thread, and I'll notify a moderator. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

gilster said:


> I have not talked to a lawyer.
> 
> Due to the circumstances it was best that she stay at the house. Remember we have kids.
> 
> ...


No it is NOT best she stays...the courts don't care if she had an affair but they do care that you left your house and kids.

If you do this wrong she will cheat over and over again.

No man rug sweeps his wife's affair and comes out a winner.

And is the guy married?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Yes, you're being naive. And ask yourself this... if you were the other man's wife, wouldn't you want to know that he was having an affair? You're not blowing up another relationship, they are. You're just exposing their actions. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

If you know who this is blow it up.
And get back into your house.
And expose to close friends and family now.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

gilster said:


> I have not talked to a lawyer.
> 
> Due to the circumstances it was best that she stay at the house. Remember we have kids.
> 
> ...


So let me get this straight.
It's okay for him to break up your family?:slap:
Oye vey!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

She has zero respect for you because you are not standing up for yourself.
Find his wife and let her know.
Do not tell your wife.
Get a voice activated recorder so she can't kick you out of the house when you move back in.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

We understand that you can't think straight right now so the advice we are giving is for you to start thinking straight right now.


Your family and friends will start asking why you are not at home...so what are you going to tell them, that it's your fault because of giving lack of attention to your wife that went out and found it with another guy.

You don't need counseling, you did not do anything wrong.

I read it on here too many times how the guy blamed himself for what happened and took his wife back only to find out she was still talking to other guy or even more guys.

You can't "nice" your way out of this...stand up for yourself and see a lawyer. 

Of course she won't get counseling, she does not think she did anything wrong.


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## gilster (Oct 10, 2014)

WOW you folks are all either really experianced or got some hate going on.

I have to believe her until Iget some more proof.

Anyone know how to hack a gmail account without her finding out?


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Glister, it is experience and it is hate. A lot of the advice you'll get here is from people who have had their lives destroyed by infidelity. Their experience has shown them what a cheating spouse looks like, how they act and how they will react. And yes, the visceral response to an remorseful cheating spouse is hate. 

In addition, we are seeing your response and cringing. You are, at this moment, setting yourself up for a tremendous failure. Please move this thread to "coping with infidelity". You will get great advice on how to proceed. Take it in and learn from their experience.

For starters:
- Move back home. You are setting a precedent and it will have two grave consequences. 1) She can continue the affair without your knowledge. 2) If things proceed to divorce you will not be seen as the custodial parent.
- Go full on in sleuth mode. Find out all you can about this and any other potential emotional or physical affairs your wife has been engaged in. Know the enemy.
- When prepared, blow this up. Expose the affair to appropriate family, friends and PSOMs wife as well. (OMs wife knowing will have a chilling effect on their fantasy land.)
- Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy". There are links all over this board. May want to read "Married Man's Sex Life Primer". Right now you are Mr. Beta and that has to change.
- Get a little pissed off. You will not 'nice' her back in to feelings for you.

You have just entered the crappiest part of your life. What you knew before no longer exists. Prepare, ask a lot of questions and take the advice in. Sort out what you hear, form a plan and act on it.

I wish you well.

~ Passio


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

gilster said:


> WOW you folks are all either really experianced or got some hate going on.
> 
> I have to believe her until Iget some more proof.
> 
> Anyone know how to hack a gmail account without her finding out?


Everyone is experienced. We've seen this story play out over and over again. Listen to the advice given here. 

Move back in your house. This is a legal matter. She can claim abandonment if you move out. Move back in and tell her you miss the kids too much to move out. Have her move out and you keep the kids. 

She will also more than likely pursue OM while you are separated.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ButtPunch said:


> Everyone is experienced. We've seen this story play out over and over again. Listen to the advice given here.
> 
> Move back in your house. This is a legal matter. She can claim abandonment if you move out. Move back in and tell her you miss the kids too much to move out. Have her move out and you keep the kids.
> 
> She will also more than likely pursue OM while you are separated.


Start looking at sites like spokeo and get the info you need to contact his wife.
The sooner the better.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Look to the left of all the replies...

Some of the folks ...hell most of the folk replying have been here way to long.

At the end of the day your taking the fall for your wifes choice to betray you!


Its funny how cheaters can screw with our heads...I guess it's easy when the ones that are getting phucked over love and trust their wayward spouses.



The only thing I hate is some poor guy apoligizing to his wife for getting decieved by his unfaithful wife!



You can't see it but your old lady is rewriting the marital history so she doesn't feel guilty for having eyes for some other guy


Man you really got sucked into her blame shifting...hook line and sinker.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

gilster said:


> I have not talked to a lawyer.
> 
> Due to the circumstances it was best that she stay at the house. Remember we have kids.
> 
> ...


The price you will pay for your indifference and inaction WILL end in disaster for all involved, especially you. Utilize the search box in the upper right hand area of the forum web page and research like all hell.

Try the following;

"says she needs space"
"I love you but i am not in love with you"
"I need to find myself"
"She hide her phone"
"Finds little things to argue about so she can leave to cool off"
"says I have checked out"

You will invariably find several stories that start just like your and for fun simply print the pages, redact the name and replace with your and when the eureka moment hits you'll see these people are telling you the truth without even needed any ore details. Your best bet is to take the fight to the enemy and let it fly, without violence of course, and push back.

Do not leave your home for things other than work or explainable errands. This will invite the possibility of her calling the cops for domestic abuse or a restraining order. 

"What, she'd never do that, I don't think she has it in her".

Since that would more than likely be your next post find Dadof2's history, he though the same thing. Infidelity breeds toxic feelings and actions to a marriage.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No wonder your wife is so stressed out...it must be a hell of a b1tch to have a boy friend and husband.

You might want to let your wife know that life is a lot easier when you don't keep secrets and you don't have to lie all the time. 


Sorry man but this is not the same women you married....that women left you the 1st time she kissed her new boyfriend.


Why in the hell aren't you pissed off.....you are getting betrayed!!!!


I just don't get it.....you bust her with another man and you move out! WTF.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No wonder your boys are taking it hard. They see the mother smiling a laughing as she text her boyfriend and then they see their dad running away!


" why is mom happy and dad sad "
"why is mom always smiling at her phone while dad moves out"

I think the boys are old enough to know that their mother is breaking up the family unit by having a boy friend and a husband at the same time.


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## justastatistic (May 16, 2014)

OMG. Stop what you are doing right now. 

Move back in to YOUR house today. Make sure you have a VAR with you when you do in case she tries the fake domestic violence claim.

Gather as much evidence as you can regarding the affair. VAR in her car. Keylogger on the computer. Get her passwords and lok at her email, then copy all of it / send it to yourself so you have it saved. Then find out who the other man is and tell his wife. 

If you continue down this path, you will be divorced and seeing your kids on the weekends. Your wife is having an affair with a married co-worker. He may eventually be willing to leave his wife for your's, or he may just string her along for the sex until his wife finds out then dump her. But it won't matter because you will already be history. 

You're a "nice guy." Nice guys finish last in these scenarios, trust me. It is much better to be a grade A ass. Accept that your marriage may already be over, or at the very least that you are willing to end it if she won't commit to your and the marriage. Take action to protect yourself and your kids.

Read everything you can here fast! You've already made so many mistakes.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

As soon as I read "house husband" and "my wife works," in the opening post, I knew what was coming. Other man is a co-worker, and the husband's blaming himself.....Anyway, I'm giving another vote to moving back in. And don't talk anymore about your relationship. Remain stoic and calm and quietly gather evidence. Contact the OM's wife and inform her so the OM is busy trying to save his own marriage. Just remember, your wife is blowing up your life and your kids' lives. And so far you've been letting her. You need to get busy and stand up for yourself and your kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

gilster, your wife has every right to feel however she does about the marriage. Just like you have that right.

What she does not have the right to do is take her emotions outside of the marriage with this other man. If there is a disconnect in your marriage that bothers her, she only feeds that disconnect by diverting her emotions to this other man. She is connecting with him, which means she is disconnecting from you.

Now you don't have to call it an affair, just look at it the way I put it there. She complains of a disconnect inside the marriage but then she forms an outside connection with another man. Whatever imperfections you may have as a husband are separate from the fact she is significantly harming the marriage with her actions.

You have every right to insist on boundaries which include she go totally No Contact with this other man, and she attend marriage counseling with you in order to try to rescue the marriage. If she won't do those two things, she is not willing to do the minimum starting steps to save the marriage.

Personally, I would say those two boundaries to her. AFTER you move back into your house! Tell her your conditions for staying married to her are she permanently go completely NC with the guy, and she put in a genuine strong effort via MC on the marriage.

If she works closely with this guy, part of NC is going to be her quickly finding another job which does not involve any interaction with him.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Visit Divorce Information for Men and Fathers | Cordell and Cordell | DadsDivorce.com for some data you need to be aware of. Including something called The List, but there is a lot of general info there which is good.

Also, read this thread by member Weightlifter http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

If she's not in a deep affair already, she is on the verge. These things move at lightning speed, so you have to break it fast and hard.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

gilster said:


> WOW you folks are all either really experianced or got some hate going on.
> 
> I have to believe her until Iget some more proof.


Have you considered that it's impossible for you to meet her emotional needs, if she's having them met by someone else?

Get back in your house. She wants you out the way so that she can talk (and more) to that guy without you looking over her shoulder.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You cannot be helped until you move back in.

Dude, life is not something that just happens, it is what you consciously do. 

Kids have to go to hockey and baseball? At the expense of your marriage ? That is insantiy.

SHe is cheating, you need to get HER out of YOUR house. Not the other way around.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

gilster said:


> Greetings all. Been reading lots in the last little while.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 14yrs and known each other for 7 before that. We have 2 beautiful boys, 10 and 13.
> 
> ...


 First big mistake. Tell her to move out. Her affair not yours and she has to pay for it and one way is to lose the privilege of the home. 

Second, I would tell her when she leaves that she should consult a lawyer because you are, she would know that you have no intentions of playing second fiddle to her.

Third. If you think it can be worked out then make sure she offers more then lip service and her actions show that she wants it.

All in all, move back in and tell her that she started this mess and if anyone is going to have to bear the hardship, then it's her. Don't try to play nice guy because it wont work. As you can see, she's not playing nice either.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Like others have said, get back into the house. If you don't, she is going to file and you will be stuck living in your parents basement, paying her bills and seeing your kids only every other weekend.

Just because she is mom does not automatically give her the right to be the residential parent. 

My D was final last week. I live at home with the kids, and she sees them twice per week. A dad can take care of kids just fine.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

gilster said:


> So im living at my parents place for the time being. Wondering where the hell i went wrong./QUOTE]
> 
> That's where you went wrong.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Gilster

You will find out if you pay attention that we are "very" experienced.

You said you have to believe your wife until you have more evidence???

That is just stupid. Why?

Because your wife has lied to you. She made up a [email protected] & bull story about her sister having an affair to throw you off the scent.

She lied to you. And most likely has been dishonest for a while.

Do the following:

1. Move back home unannounced.
2. Get into her phone for additional emails but I'm sure everything has been erased.
3. Tell your wife if she is unhappy to leave or she has to go to counseling if she wants to stay.
4. She also has to tell you the truth. Take her for a lie detector test without telling her beforehand.
5. Show her tough love and consequences.
6. If the coworker is married you have to speak to his wife and let her know what you read and your wife lies.

Last but not least office affairs are hard to verifiy. But if I were you and your wife is using your absence to continue her affair I would expose to her family. Especially her sister.

You might not save your marriage but you will certainly gain her respect in time.

Because she will not respect you by being a wimp and leaving the home.

So stop listening to her and start using your balls and brains.

HM


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

By By Glister..... see you on the other side of the destruction of infidelity.

Your wife is a cheater and your a nice guy who will let her ball another man's brains out until she decides if she really wants you. All the while you are taking a bow out while your wife pursues her insanity in front of your children.

Wake up!!!

Your wife has allowed herself to become low and vile. She is front and center blowing your family apart in front of your kids because she has chosen to listen to the "wise" advice of her crotch.

Your kids need at least one sane parent right now!!! THIS IS NOT JUST ABOUT YOU!

If you did not have children, you could let her fvck as many men as she wanted to her black heart's content while you wait in the wings like some pathetic lap dog hoping for sloppy seconds.

But you are not just a betrayed husband, YOU ARE A FATHER!!

Your children need you to think straight in this dark hour!!

Listen to the advice given and act! Your children need you and you have abandoned them in the clutches of a woman that thinks it is funny to start a family and then explore her inner 
wh0re!!

Step up for them at least!

You have been given great advice from experienced people.

For God's sake, don't neglect your children. They need to see a good example. Right now they have a woman that cares more for her crotch than their well being!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

gilster said:


> WOW you folks are all either really experianced or *got some hate going on.*
> 
> I have to believe her until Iget some more proof.
> 
> Anyone know how to hack a gmail account without her finding out?


No hate going on. Just reality, dude.

Be careful when you ask for advice. You will not likely hear what you "want to hear."

My advice... spend a few HOURS and DAYS reading the threads in the "Coping with Infidelity" section. Then come back and tell us what you think...


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Glister,

Listen to the advice given to you and stop being naive. We've all been through this (some multiple times). For you to doubt and ignore the advice given to you about infidelity and separation is equal to financial and emotional suicide.

Don't be that guy. Don't end up paying for this magnitudes more than you have to (both financially and emotionally). You will regret it for the rest of your life.

Move back to your home and destroy your wife's fantasy. You owe it to yourself and your kids to be a MAN and a FATHER. Right now you're being neither. You're just being a clueless doormat in the face of a challenge thrown at you by your wife. Show her what you're made of and put her in her place. She deserves it.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

OP, do you notice a theme yet ? GET BACK IN YOUR HOUSE ASAP !

If you can afford it, hire a PI now ! Look up Weightlifter's standard evidence gathering post and start implementing it, and have this thread moved to CWI, because believe me you ARE coping with infidelity !


EDIT : WL's link : http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## PrincessQueenBee (Oct 12, 2014)

Reality is, she wants excitement in her life,, and the ho-hum-drum of marriage is not cutting it. I'm kinda experiencing the same. To be honest,, I'm looking for a little excitement too. TV and kids, are heart-felt,,, but not very erotic. Remember, in our society,, SEX sells. How about a risky lounge,, trip to a nude beach?? Thats always sparks up things...... I know when you have a family,, people don't talk about those things,,,,,, but they are thinking about them!!!!!!!!!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

PrincessQueenBee said:


> Reality is, she wants excitement in her life,, and the ho-hum-drum of marriage is not cutting it. I'm kinda experiencing the same. To be honest,, I'm looking for a little excitement too. TV and kids, are heart-felt,,, but not very erotic. Remember, in our society,, SEX sells. How about a risky lounge,, trip to a nude beach?? Thats always sparks up things...... I know when you have a family,, people don't talk about those things,,,,,, but they are thinking about them!!!!!!!!!


Did you read the thread? His wife is cheating on him and has kicked him out. 

Sparking things up by going to a nude beach?! :scratchhead:


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Did you read the thread? His wife is cheating on him and has kicked him out.
> 
> Sparking things up by going to a nude beach?! :scratchhead:


New member, inflammatory post, 4 posts total. I'll just wait and see.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

barbados said:


> New member, inflammatory post, 4 posts total. I'll just wait and see.


I count three.

I agree with the rest of your unspoken theory.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Glister,

One thing that I did not see mentioned are specific terms of your separation. Don't assume, get it in writing.

1) Dating

2) Child care

3) Finances

Make sure it is very clear what you expect during the separation. If she balks at "no dating" then you should really consider to start building your new life without your cheating spouse.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## gilster (Oct 10, 2014)

Thanks for all the advice......

Last few days have been a blur. Kinda numb I guess.

I'm taking it all in.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Time to shake off that numbness and start living...

Walking around like a zombie isn't attractive and it ain't doing you any good.

You have to take care of your self before you can repair this marriage.

There is a reason one puts the O2 mask on 1st then helps others when in a plane crash......put the O2 mask on and save your self 1st then work on the other stuff.


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