# I would love an honest womans opinion



## SCMan

So i find that a womans feet if cared for are very sexy. I told my wife how i felt very reluctantly and she freaked out. I dont like only want her feet or anything i just think feet can be sexy like an ass or breasts or great eyes or anyting else. I would love to kiss her toes like you would kiss or play with any other erogenous area. Am i wrong?


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## chillymorn69

No. But if she isn't into it then your SOL.

Just like if she wanted to peg you and you wern't into it you could say no.


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## Blondilocks

Obviously, her toes are not erogenous areas for her. You are only wrong in that this activity does nothing for her and does not appeal to her.


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## personofinterest

Glad you find feet appealing.

If your GF or wife isnt into it, it's basically irelevant.

You arent gin a make her like it just cause you're right.


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## TeddieG

I have a friend who always keeps her feet immaculate. But she can afford to and has the time; her husband makes a six-figure income and she gets to keep her $75K salary to use as she likes. And her stepkids are grown and out of the house. I've never thought about it though; maybe she does it because her h finds her feet sexy. 

I was walking across the quad one day and was following a woman in sandals who looked like she had a year of cracked skin on her heels; I thought, geez, lady, get a grip. I certainly don't let that stuff go, but my feet are not always going to be baby soft. 

Feet are high maintenance, like everything else. As a woman, there are so many things having to do with appearance that I have to worry about . . . and so as a single woman I'm glad I only have to minimally worry about my feet with minimal maintenance.


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## lifeistooshort

TeddieG said:


> I have a friend who always keeps her feet immaculate. But she can afford to and has the time; her husband makes a six-figure income and she gets to keep her $75K salary to use as she likes. And her stepkids are grown and out of the house. I've never thought about it though; maybe she does it because her h finds her feet sexy.
> 
> I was walking across the quad one day and was following a woman in sandals who looked like she had a year of cracked skin on her heels; I thought, geez, lady, get a grip. I certainly don't let that stuff go, but my feet are not always going to be baby soft.
> 
> Feet are high maintenance, like everything else. As a woman, there are so many things having to do with appearance that I have to worry about . . . and so as a single woman I'm glad I only have to minimally worry about my feet with minimal maintenance.


Don't get me started on runners feet......talk about high maintenance.

Mine are actually pretty good.....i make some effort because I'm also a martial artist and we train barefoot.

If feet aren't her thing that probably won't change....but OP could start with getting her a gift certificate for a pedicure.

They are pretty enjoyable to get and maybe if she likes how they look she'll be more open to him paying them some attention.


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## Bluesclues

If my husband said he was into feet I would think it was creeptastic. But if he said he found MY feet sexy I would eat it up.


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## JustTheWife

Well if it turned him on and he enjoyed it then it would turn me on too.


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## katiecrna

Doesn’t bother me. But what I think doesn’t matter what your wife thinks does.


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## ChaiLatte

I think it can be unfortunate if your fetish isn't accepted or encouraged, but as chillymorn69 said, if she isn't into it, she isn't into it, just like you're probably not into pegging.

Feet are also one of the smelliest and depending on your use of shoes, dirtiest parts of your body to some people and if she feels like this there's little you can really do. 

Maybe try incorporate it slowly? Small kisses or even just foot rubs to start? Might make her more susceptible.


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## southbound

Speaking of liking feet, I isometimes see this issue brought up on the web, and female celebrities even talk sometimes about having attractive feet or seeing their feet on a website. 

I’ve never understood why some people think that liking a woman’s feet is so freaky. 
What’s the difference than if someone said, I’m into knees, or elbows, or lower backs, or hands? Sure, those might raise an eyebrow temporarily, but I don’t think it would bring out the freaky feel in some people like the mention of feet. 

There is also a belief among some that a man can’t think a woman’s feet are attractive unless it’s a fetish. Why not? 

When it comes to women’s feet, they are quite the opposite of men’s feet, which I’m sure is the attraction. Women get pedicures, wear nail polish, toe-rings, anklets, and sexy shoes, so what’s the big deal if a man thinks a woman’s feet are attractive?


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## personofinterest

I do not like my feet. No matter what I weigh, my feet are bony, and the veins are very prominent. Blech. The only thing my feet have going for them is that they are little. My poor daughter has giant barge feet - that is what she calls them. She wears an 11 and can't ever find cute shoes.

That said, I do have a friend whose feet are smooth and always perfectly pedicured. If I had feet like her I would wear strappy sandals all year lol


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## neonmoon1005

I don't see how a foot fetish could be considered "wrong". May I ask why your wife "freaked out"? Was it because she was confused, surprised, grossed out, etc.?


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## wilson

southbound said:


> There is also a belief among some that a man can’t think a woman’s feet are attractive unless it’s a fetish. Why not?


On a documentary about the brain, they said a common reason for a foot fetish is that the area in the brain which deals with feet is adjacent to the area which deals with erogenous zones. Sometimes the boundary between the two areas is a little fuzzy and the wiring gets crossed over. That may cause those men to have erogenous feelings towards feet in much the same they would for other erogenous zones like boobs.

That would be different from someone who just found feet attractive in an objective sense. Just like we can find many things in the world attractive, so can the same be said for feet. But these men would not be as turned on by feet like someone who had the brain wiring for a fetish.

One of the reasons I assume women find it offensive is they often expose their bare feet in public. When a man says he finds it erotic, she may feel similar as if she was exposing her breasts or butt.


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## happiness27

SCMan said:


> So i find that a womans feet if cared for are very sexy. I told my wife how i felt very reluctantly and she freaked out. I dont like only want her feet or anything i just think feet can be sexy like an ass or breasts or great eyes or anyting else. I would love to kiss her toes like you would kiss or play with any other erogenous area. Am i wrong?


Hell, no, you aren't wrong. Feet ARE sexy. Foot rubs are sexy. Guys who can do great foot rubs are sexy. The body has a lot of errogenous zones...


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## Handy

I go for feet because I know some women like to have their feet rubbed. I like doing some things that makes a woman happy. Maybe it doesn't always work but a happy partner is much easier to live with and have a relationship with.

I would go for a woman like Happiness27 

There is a minor medical field dealing with feet and the treatment of some medical issues. I know some people that got off medications and their lab results showed normal. It works for some people and not others.

Reflexology, also known as zone therapy.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reflexology


SCman, it is difficult to change some people's opinion about what is desirable or not desirable. I would work on other easier areas that is pleasant for your W but not totally give up on something you like.


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## MichelleThoughts

My husband has a foot fetish and I don't understand it or have one myself, but I don't mind letting him love on my feet. He gives me foot messages a lot which is win win. He often talks about how much he loves them and I'm like, okay.

I've never dated a man who liked feet so much before him and for me it's not very different from men who like boobs or whatever. She might come around. Really of all things to be into, this is quite harmless.


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## human7099

should have kept your mouth shut and just gave her foot rubs or painted her toe nails as a part of foreplay (if you are one of the men of the world smart enough to participate in foreplay).
The discussion is what screwed you dude.
If you would have just offered to rub them, paint her nails for her etc, it would have tickled her and lead to more fun.
BTW, the folks on here saying fetish is just annoying. Finding feet attractive is known and common or there would not be so much money spent on pedicures. It is no different than appreciating eyes, hair, fingers, waist, butt etc.


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## wilson

Elizabeth Sizemore said:


> BTW, the folks on here saying fetish is just annoying. Finding feet attractive is known and common or there would not be so much money spent on pedicures. It is no different than appreciating eyes, hair, fingers, waist, butt etc.


A foot fetish is a real thing and is different from just finding them attractive. Someone with a fetish will fantasize erotically about rubbing feet much the same like they would with traditional erogenous zones like the breasts and vagina. To the person with a fetish, giving a foot massage is like giving a breast massage. It's not the same as a back massage.

Not everyone who finds feet attractive has a fetish. Like you said, feet can be an attractive body part just like any other. But for some people, feet are erotic like breasts and turn them on in much the same way as seeing or feeling breasts would.


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## Pam

Back in the Dark Ages, when I was in college, our Dean of Women made it a rule that female students must never wear sandals because male students found female students' feet sexy. I couldn't fathom where she got that idea, but a rule is a rule. She wasn't married, so she got the idea somewhere other than a husband.


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## MZMEE

I am a woman.

Many men have foot fetishes. Shoe fetishes. It is exactly what it is....a fetish. Sad your wife doesn't just accept it that way. It may not be her thing but it is your thing. Nothing is wrong with you. She has to relax and stop being so squeamish. Geesh.


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## gman95901

To find folks in the 21st century who still can’t wrap their mind around the sensual possibilities of foot play is incredulous given the fact that one can stream or turn to HBO, Cinemax, or Showtime and within five minutes find a show with such a level of debauchery that it would make sucking on a few toes or a footjob pale by comparison. The first hour of ChiPs alone with Dax Shepard must be downright scandalous to some. But in reality, this ideological or intellectual inability to push past one’s comfort zone for the sake of sexual experimentation within the bounds of a relationship is all too common. 

Let’s be real, foot partialisms are tame by today’s standards and this isn’t some idle fascination picked up off of some rack somewhere, this is a lifelong interest that will not abate with time. And unless a compromise can be reached with his partner, I dare say that this will be a point of contention for some time. I sympathize with the OP, because bringing this to a public forum and asking for the input of members of the opposite sex, while a novel proposition, is bound to be skewed by predisposed biases that are a part of the cognitive makeup and personal experiences of those responding. 

Personally, I would tell the OP to head on over to Amazon and pick up two books, one for himself and one for his wife, both of them written by Jackie A. Castro MA LMFT. One is entitled, _Sex, Fetish and Him_ which he should give to his wife, and the other is entitled _Fetish and you_, which he should seriously consider reading himself. In situations such as this, they key to moving forward and making a breakthrough is both the OP and his wife coming to terms with the reality of his partialism. Until that happens, I would surmise that this situation will fester and only result in one or both partners digging in their heels, pun completely intended…


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## arbitrator

SCMan said:


> So i find that a womans feet if cared for are very sexy. I told my wife how i felt very reluctantly and she freaked out. I dont like only want her feet or anything i just think feet can be sexy like an ass or breasts or great eyes or anyting else. I would love to kiss her toes like you would kiss or play with any other erogenous area. Am i wrong?


*An old fart of a man here, who knows of other guys who think that women's feet are terribly erotic!

As long as a woman's, or for that matter, even a man's feet are concerned, so long as they don't resemble elephants feet and are well kept up and pedicured, I also would have no discernible reason to think that they're not sexy!

Nothing at all unusual about it!*


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## Mr. Nail

This is really very simple. Because he has admitted to his wife that he finds feet sexy, now she has to check him to make sure he isn't looking at any other feet. She is also obligated to compare her feet to every other foot she sees. Especially celebrity feet that are on TV or Movies. She will feel obligated to shave her toe knuckles. She won't be able to have sex with him if she has chipped toe nail polish. This Churl has just added a whole new layer of complication to her self care routine. No wonder she is Pissed.


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## personofinterest

Mr. Nail said:


> This is really very simple. Because he has admitted to his wife that he finds feet sexy, now she has to check him to make sure he isn't looking at any other feet. She is also obligated to compare her feet to every other foot she sees. Especially celebrity feet that are on TV or Movies. She will feel obligated to shave her toe knuckles. She won't be able to have sex with him if she has chipped toe nail polish. This Churl has just added a whole new layer of complication to her self care routine. No wonder she is Pissed.


Every woman should shave her toe knuckles!! I mean what are we, cavemen???


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## gman95901

Mr. Nail said:


> This is really very simple. Because he has admitted to his wife that he finds feet sexy, now she has to check him to make sure he isn't looking at any other feet. She is also obligated to compare her feet to every other foot she sees. Especially celebrity feet that are on TV or Movies. She will feel obligated to shave her toe knuckles. She won't be able to have sex with him if she has chipped toe nail polish. This Churl has just added a whole new layer of complication to her self care routine. No wonder she is Pissed.


These are nonsensical stereotypes. 

So based on this logic, we're saying that other men who like legs, boobs or asses aren't looking at those parts any more than a foot guy looks at feet? So their wives don't have to check _*them*_ out to make sure they're not checking out other legs, boobs, or asses or comparing them to every other woman they see, especially celebrities in TV or film like Kim Kardashian, Christina Hendricks or Jennifer Lopez? The wives of these men don't have to shave their legs, underarm or bikini hair nor modify their self care routine at all as opposed to wives of feet men? I'm hoping this is all just simple sarcasm... :slap:


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## I shouldnthave

I am going to be honest - I wouldn't be into it if my husband said he had a foot fetish. Sure foot massages feel good, but I find nothing sexy about feet. I don't find foot massages erotic, and I hate having my feet kissed or toes sucked - I find it a real turn off rather than a turn on.

Again, I am being honest about how I feel. Are foot fetishes wrong? No, are guys entitled to have them, sure (why is this fetish so predominantly male?).

Is it something I do not find compatible with my sexuality? Yep. I don't want my feet worshiped, I don't want to know he thinks about them when he masturbates, just not my thing. I wouldn't enjoy indulging this particular fetish as part of my sex life.


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## Randy Lafever

Most people instinctively view feet as dirty. Go to a restaurant and place your foot up on the table and see how people react.

She is likely self-conscious that he pays any attention at all to this part of the body she deems dirty. Like if a woman told a man she was into armpits. Male armpits are gross. They just are. He would be like whaaaa?? And it would make him self-conscious about her and his armpits.


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## gman95901

These are generalizations. There is somebody for everybody that's into something different. Keeping it in context, instead of the table, have her put her feet on the dash, then see what happens..it would be a whole different ballgame...


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## wilson

Randy Lafever said:


> She is likely self-conscious that he pays any attention at all to this part of the body she deems dirty. Like if a woman told a man she was into armpits. Male armpits are gross. They just are. He would be like whaaaa?? And it would make him self-conscious about her and his armpits.


It's more like if gay men found men's elbows erotic. How would most straight men feel if they were in public and occasionally caught a man leering at their bare elbows? I would guess most men would be offended by it, and I would expect that men would start to cover their elbows.

Of course, gay men already find certain male body parts erotic, but they are typically the ones we expect to be erotic and we cover them appropriately in public.


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## Randy Lafever

wilson said:


> It's more like if gay men found men's elbows erotic. How would most straight men feel if they were in public and occasionally caught a man leering at their bare elbows? I would guess most men would be offended by it, and I would expect that men would start to cover their elbows.
> 
> Of course, gay men already find certain male body parts erotic, but they are typically the ones we expect to be erotic and we cover them appropriately in public.


Yeah I've been leered at in public by gay dudes and it makes you self-conscious even though obviously you don't really "care" what they think.

It's part of why I try really hard not to leer at women in public. Can't imagine being that uncomfortable every time you leave the house. Key word being "try".


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## happiness27

I love my husband's body - all of it, no exclusions. I wouldn't consider any of what I like about him to be a "fetish." I truly don't understand from what this OP has posted anyone going from "sexy feet" to the word "fetish".


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## gman95901

It's silly really. A lot of how we adapt to to these things depends on how we're raised IMO. If for example, you came from a household and were conditioned to believe that feet are dirty and should never be touched except when clean, then you're likely to grow up and have some type of an aversion to them. But on the flip side, if you were raised in a household were mom drove barefoot or sat with her feet being massaged on Dad's lap, you're likely to be a little more open minded, unless you have some sort of event that imprints an aversion.

As an admin for another relationship forum, I see this all the time. People are raised to believe that certain sex positions or practices are immoral. As a result, they grow up and perpetuate this belief and they really complicate their marital well being, especially if the their mate wasn't raised with a matching belief set and doesn't find out until after marriage...


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## JoannaG

One of the very first things that I noticed about my husband was his nice feet. lol I get it.


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## MichelleThoughts

In my case, I don't think my feet are just an extension of the fact that my husband likes my body overall. He finds my feet in particular sexually arousing. 

Most of the times we have sex involve him admiring or kissing my feet at some point. If I want to initiate sex I know I can do it with my feet as well. 

His feet do nothing for me so I pretty-much ignore them. I don't think they look bad or are gross but I don't find them sexually arousing. Also I like my husband's broad shoulders and strong arms and find his body sexually appealing because of his physical strength and shape but I wouldn't say I have a shoulder fetish, lol.

I do say my husband has a foot fetish though and really it is not a big deal to me. I like to please him and find that my feet are a really convenient way to arouse him and keep him excited during sex. I don't find his kissing of my feet particularly arousing to me, but I do find the fact that he enjoys the sexual experience so much more because of my willingness regarding my feet totally worth it. 

I would think that a woman who knows her husband loves her feet but denies him that experience would be similar to a woman who refuses to take off her bra or let him play with her breasts even if she knows he is a boob man (I actually know two wives like this in my husband's family and I think they are nuts!).

I think there are some really weird fetishes out there and for the most part, I think my sex life with my husband's foot fetish is appropriately fun without being outrageous.

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable at all. His wife may open up to the idea of allowing him to enjoy her body they way he desires if she just understands him a little better.

Also I know my husband likes other women's feet. He likes feet in general and I don't worry about it. I have never seen him acting inappropriately in public if women are wearing sandals or flip flops, the same way I don't worry if we are all at a pool and we can all see quite a lot of most peoples' bodies.


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## gman95901

That in my opinion, was the best best post to this thread by far! MichelleThoughts has shown us what can be if we open the door and step through it instead of simply slamming it shut...

Bravo!


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## Cing.84

Spouse loves my feet. I hate them. Since he likes them I have no problem taking extra care of them for him. Plus the admiration and foot massages feel great.


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## bluelily

If it means that my husband would pay a weekly pedicure I'd get on with it


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## Mr. Nail

gman95901 said:


> These are nonsensical stereotypes.
> 
> So based on this logic, we're saying that other men who like legs, boobs or asses aren't looking at those parts any more than a foot guy looks at feet? So their wives don't have to check _*them*_ out to make sure they're not checking out other legs, boobs, or asses or comparing them to every other woman they see, especially celebrities in TV or film like Kim Kardashian, Christina Hendricks or Jennifer Lopez? The wives of these men don't have to shave their legs, underarm or bikini hair nor modify their self care routine at all as opposed to wives of feet men? I'm hoping this is all just simple sarcasm... :slap:


I debated whether or not to put the ::sarcasm:: label on that post. But in the end I decided it was too true to dismiss the "nonsensical stereotypes" so lightly. Stereotypes frequently have there basis in some truth. All of the examples (with the possible exception of toe knuckle hair) have been posted here in the last 6 months.


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## gman95901

Yes but one cannot ignore the basis of verity in such stereotypes for people who have common interests other than feet as well...


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## Yeswecan

I find my W feet sexy. She always loves me massaging her feet. Sometimes my W will use her feet for fun activity in bed if you catch my drift.


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## gman95901

Yeswecan said:


> I find my W feet sexy. She always loves me massaging her feet. Sometimes my W will use her feet for fun activity in bed if you catch my drift.


You know, I used to tell the baseline of the populace don't knock it til you've tried it. But what I've come to learn over the years is that some just can't get past societal, ideological or personal inhibitions. Its just that simple...


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## Lila

Whether people are into feet or not is a matter of preference. Personally, I don't like pushing my preferences down someone's throat and can't stand those who try to make me feel bad or inadequate because I don't agree with theirs. 

With that said, there are plenty of people out there that share common sexual preferences / fetishes to the OP. The best way to ensure you end up with someone who is sexually compatible is to communicate these preferences/fetishes relatively early on in the relationship. Trying to convince someone after the fact to participate in a fetish they don't find attractive is unfair to them and a waste of time for you. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## VibrantWings

Have you tried giving her a foot rub with some nice lotion? My ex had the foot thing and it got me some awesome foot massages 

Lol, personally I found it to be rather nice. I got my way in many things simply by flashing my "pretty feet". I think people get weirded out because it's considered "fetish". If someone goes too far/acts freaky about ANYTHING, then that can make others uncomfortable. 

I found some other things that make me way more uncomfortable in the bedroom than some guy rubbing my feet and buying me fancy stockings.


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## gman95901

Lila said:


> Whether people are into feet or not is a matter of preference. Personally, I don't like pushing my preferences down someone's throat and can't stand those who try to make me feel bad or inadequate because I don't agree with theirs.
> 
> With that said, there are plenty of people out there that share common sexual preferences / fetishes to the OP. The best way to ensure you end up with someone who is sexually compatible is to communicate these preferences/fetishes relatively early on in the relationship. Trying to convince someone after the fact to participate in a fetish they don't find attractive is unfair to them and a waste of time for you.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


No one is trying to push any partialism downs any one's throat last I checked, rather what they are doing is trying to illustrate that within the context of this preference, millions of spouses are _choosing_ to engage in it and are finding it beneficial to their sexual well being even if it’s not a mutual gratification. What many are also reiterating by their posts of support here is that there is a legitimately moderate segment of the population that has found a way to incorporate the activities associated with this proclivity into their sexual routine and they should not be marginalized nor ridiculed based on one's own societal or ideological views. We cannot dispute that some of that has already been injected into this thread IMO.

Granted, the OP has perhaps exacerbated the situation by not following a policy of full disclosure early in the relationship and this has no doubt complicated things, but we have to stop and put ourselves in his shoes and pose the question of why he failed to mention it. Was it because he felt ashamed, or different? Did he feel based on his spouse's disposition that he would be ridiculed, turned down or treated as if the request was unreasonable? Going by what little facts we have, it’s difficult to say whether full disclosure at the onset of the relationship would have made any difference because as I stated earlier, some people do not have it within themselves for a myriad of reasons to be able to partake in the activities associated with this preference. That's no mean spirited or soap box preaching, or throat shoving, that is the simple plain truth. 

As you have so eloquently stated, there are plenty of people out there that share common sexual preferences to the OP, but that seems irrelevant since he is not married to them. So this whole thread boils down to the question that MichelleThoughts posed earlier which was, why would a woman who knows her husband loves her feet deny him that experience? She further stated in an analogy that in her opinion, doing so would be similar to a woman who refuses to take off her bra or let him play with her breasts even if she knows he is a boob man. 

And I tend to agree. 

If my wife comes to me and says she wants to try XYZ in bed, should it matter to me that she asked me five or ten years into the marriage, or is she required to disclose this before we're even married regardless of whatever it is? Should she feel obligated to name off her sexual XYZ list to me prior to marriage so I can decide what I will and will not engage in? Just for the record, every time she has asked for something XYZ, I've generously tried whatever she has asked for not because I feel obligated to, but because I want to see her gratified in only a way that I can give. Yes, some of it was out there and pushing my comfort zone, but pushing that zone is part of how we grow. Now at this point, I know some or thinking, "but yeah, this is feet, not boobs, legs, butts or anything else for that matter."

So what? What difference does it make? What this whole post comes down to is whether or not the OP’s wife is capable of coming down from her ‘freak out’ (his words) and working out a compromise that is agreeable to both partners. Granted, she could simply inform him that she is not capable of meeting such tame requests and that it is just something she is incapable of and he will have to accept that. But in doing so, this could spiral down a much darker path to irreconcilable differences, or even an extramarital liaison due to the dysfunction that this impasse might create. Yes, the OP dropped the ball if he did not make her aware earlier, but we are all adults and I am a firm believer in couples taking a deep breath and stepping back to re-evaluate the situation in hopes of finding a resolution which could save their union. The Truth is that if you poke around the boards here or any other marriage or sexuality forum for that matter, you’re going to find that there are far more unusual sexual interests than just feet. I could get out my DSM-5 and regale the thread with a few, but I think I’ve made my point….


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## gman95901

No one is trying to push anything. I would counter that what those who are posting here are simply trying to do is illustrate that within the context of this preference, millions of spouses are choosing to engage in it and are finding it beneficial even if it’s not a mutual gratification. They are also reiterating by their posts here is that there is a legitimately moderate segment of the population that is into the activities associated with this proclivity and they should not be marginalized nor ridiculed based on one's own societal or ideological views. 

Granted, the OP has perhaps exacerbated the situation by not following a policy of full disclosure early in the relationship and this has no doubt complicated things, but we have to stop and put ourselves in his shoes and pose the question of why he failed to mention it. Was it because he felt ashamed, or different? Did he feel based on his spouse's disposition that he would be ridiculed, turned down or treated as if the request was unreasonable? Going by what little facts we have, it’s difficult to say whether full disclosure on the onset of the relationship would have made any difference because as I stated earlier, some people do not have it within themselves for a myriad of reasons to be able to partake in the activities associated with this preference. That's not mean spirited or soap box preaching, that is the simple plain truth. 

As you have so eloquently stated, there are plenty of people out there that share common sexual preferences to the OP, but that is irrelevant since he is not married to them. So this whole thread boils down to the question that MichelleThoughts posed earlier which was, why would a woman who knows her husband loves her feet deny him that experience? She further stated in an analogy doing so would be akin to a woman who refuses to take off her bra or let him play with her breasts even if she knows he is a boob man.

And I tend to agree. 

If my wife comes to me and says she wants to try XYZ in bed, should it matter to me that she asked me five or ten years into the marriage, or is she required to disclose this before we're even married regardless of whatever it is? Should she feel obligated to name off her sexual XYZ list to me prior to marriage so I can decide what I will and will not engage in? Just for the record, every time she has asked for something XYZ, I've generously tried whatever she has asked for not because I feel obligated to, but because I want to see her gratified in only a way that I can give. Yes, some of it was out there and pushing my comfort zone, but pushing that zone is part of how we grow. Now at this point, I know some or thinking, "but yeah, this is feet, not boobs, legs, butts or anything else for that matter."

And what difference does it make? It doesn’t matter because it is now a case of whether or not the OP’s wife is able to come to terms with who he is and find a compromise that it mutual to both partners. Yes, the OP dropped the ball if he did not make her aware earlier, but we are all adults who should be able to take a deep breath and find a resolution because if you poke around the boards here or any other marriage or sexuality forum, you’re going to find that there are far more unusual sexual interests than just feet. I could get out my DSM-5 and regale the thread with a few, but I think I’ve made my point….


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## Lila

gman95901 said:


> No one is trying to push any partialism downs any one's throat last I checked, rather what they are doing is trying to illustrate that within the context of this preference, millions of spouses are _choosing_ to engage in it and are finding it beneficial to their sexual well being even if it’s not a mutual gratification. What many are also reiterating by their posts of support here is that there is a legitimately moderate segment of the population that has found a way to incorporate the activities associated with this proclivity into their sexual routine and they should not be marginalized nor ridiculed based on one's own societal or ideological views. We cannot dispute that some of that has already been injected into this thread IMO.


I disagree. You yourself are pushing partialism by dismissing the OP"s wife's preferences. You are making OPs preferences the standard and putting the onus of the success of the relationship in the hands of the wife. He is "right"and she is "wrong". 



> As you have so eloquently stated, there are plenty of people out there that share common sexual preferences to the OP, but that seems irrelevant since he is not married to them. So this whole thread boils down to the question that MichelleThoughts posed earlier which was, *why would a woman who knows her husband loves her feet deny him that experience? She further stated in an analogy that in her opinion, doing so would be similar to a woman who refuses to take off her bra or let him play with her breasts even if she knows he is a boob man. *


OPs wife finds her husband's sexualizing feet unattractive. It is her preference. What more is there to know? I, as well as many other women on this thread, have said they too would find it unattractive. Good on Michellethoughts and other women like her who are either neutral or positive to the experience but to continue to ask those of us like OPs wife "why" is dismissive It minimizes our pretences as somehow inadequate or wrong. 

And that analogy makes no sense since most people don't wait until they've been married years to drop breast play into sex. 



> Granted, the OP has perhaps exacerbated the situation by not following a policy of full disclosure early in the relationship and this has no doubt complicated things, but we have to stop and put ourselves in his] shoes and pose the question of why he failed to mention it. Was it because he felt ashamed, or different? Did he feel based on his spouse's disposition that he would be ridiculed, turned down or treated as if the request was unreasonable? Going by what little facts we have, it’s difficult to say whether full disclosure at the onset of the relationship would have made any difference because as I stated earlier, some people do not have it within themselves for a myriad of reasons to be able to partake in the activities associated with this preference. That's no mean spirited or soap box preaching, or throat shoving, that is the simple plain truth.


Most people who fail to communicate their fetishes early in the relationship choose to do so because they fear losing their partner. Assuming OP always had this specific preference, he essentially waited until he was married and it was more "safe" to disclose his fetish to his wife. Had he disclosed it before marriage, she may have dumped him. 





> If my wife comes to me and says she wants to try XYZ in bed, should it matter to me that she asked me five or ten years into the marriage, or is she required to disclose this before we're even married regardless of whatever it is? Should she feel obligated to name off her sexual XYZ list to me prior to marriage so I can decide what I will and will not engage in? Just for the record, every time she has asked for something XYZ, I've generously tried whatever she has asked for not because I feel obligated to, but because I want to see her gratified in only a way that I can give. Yes, some of it was out there and pushing my comfort zone, but pushing that zone is part of how we grow. Now at this point, I know some or thinking, "but yeah, this is feet, not boobs, legs, butts or anything else for that matter."
> 
> So what? What difference does it make? What this whole post comes down to is whether or not the OP’s wife is capable of coming down from her ‘freak out’ (his words) and working out a compromise that is agreeable to both partners. *Granted, she could simply inform him that she is not capable of meeting such tame requests and that it is just something she is incapable of and he will have to accept that. But in doing so, this could spiral down a much darker path to irreconcilable differences, or even an extramarital liaison due to the dysfunction that this impasse might create.*


Using words like "tame requests" and putting the health of the marriage on her shoulders or blaming her for potential infidelity because she doesnt share OPs proclivities is wrong. OP needs to take responsibility. 

He disclosed his preference for her feet. She let him know she finds it unattractive. Move on. Instead focus on the other 99 things she and OP mutually enjoy. Or find 99 other things they both want to try. 



> Yes, the OP dropped the ball if he did not make her aware earlier, but we are all adults and I am a firm believer in couples taking a deep breath and stepping back to re-evaluate the situation in hopes of finding a resolution which could save their union. The Truth is that if you poke around the boards here or any other marriage or sexuality forum for that matter, you’re going to find that there are far more unusual sexual interests than just feet. I could get out my DSM-5 and regale the thread with a few, but I think I’ve made my point….


There's nothing wrong with OPs sexual interests. Those are his interests and he should own them.

There is something very wrong in dismissing his wife's preferences because they do not match with his. 

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## gman95901

Granted, it can be construed that I have been somewhat pugnacious with the seemingly endless negative tide of ideological, societal and impassioned responses woven with bias that have been posted to this thread and perhaps I have interjected some of that into my responses. 

Having said that, in my experience with partialisms, I have corresponded with and surveyed many couples dealing with this specific dynamic within the scope of marriage, and I have witnessed the stereotypical, the societal, ideological and on occasion, emotional fallout that sometimes accompanies the revelation of this partialism into the relationship. The vast majority of these have been exacerbated by the fact that the spouse with the partialism has waited well into it to reveal their fascination for a myriad of reasons. So the analogy DOES make sense because in real world relationships with a partialism dynamic at play, people DO wait years into the relationship to reveal that dynamic, whether it be feet, hair, balloons, diapers, hands, shoes, etc. The stigma and fear of rejection that often accompanies these unusual interests is the catalyst that keeps it in the closet. Speaking from experience, these are lifelong fascinations that do not abate with time and the people who have them did not simply wake up one day with a sudden urge for that specific proclivity, so for them it is hardly about preference.

I used the word tame because given the litany of interests he could have been imprinted with like diapers or balloons, it is relatively harmless. Note that I also used the word compromise as well. Yes, He disclosed his partialism and as I stated she can choose not to engage or participate. That is her right and as I also stated, he would have to accept it. But knowing how the partialism dynamic works, I can say that since these desires are deeply engraved and specific facets of his sexuality, he will not be able to simply turn off his attraction or desire for feet. She could send him to therapy to try to get rid of it, but then that would be dismissing his preferences on her part now wouldn’t it? So trying 99 other things may not suffice since he has a specific partialism in ONE. So where is the middle ground? Does he just give up any hope of ever fulfilling his needs or should he just be required to forget it? Again that is dismissing his partialism that cannot be turned off and on like a light switch. There has to be a compromise that does not dismiss either of their preferences. Isn’t that the scope of marriage? A marriage is not one-sided. Marriage is a strong bond between two loving people who make mutual decisions. So tell me, based on the facts at hand, what is the mutual decision here?


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## Yeswecan

gman95901 said:


> You know, I used to tell the baseline of the populace don't knock it til you've tried it. But what I've come to learn over the years is that some just can't get past societal, ideological or personal inhibitions. Its just that simple...


Truth be told...I got past it again last night. :grin2:


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## Lila

gman95901 said:


> Granted, it can be construed that I have been somewhat pugnacious with the seemingly endless negative tide of ideological, societal and impassioned responses woven with bias that have been posted to this thread and perhaps I have interjected some of that into my responses.
> 
> Having said that, in my experience with partialisms, I have corresponded with and surveyed many couples dealing with this specific dynamic within the scope of marriage, and I have witnessed the stereotypical, the societal, ideological and on occasion, emotional fallout that sometimes accompanies the revelation of this partialism into the relationship. The vast majority of these have been exacerbated by the fact that the spouse with the partialism has waited well into it to reveal their fascination for a myriad of reasons. So the analogy DOES make sense because in real world relationships with a partialism dynamic at play, people DO wait years into the relationship to reveal that dynamic, whether it be feet, hair, balloons, diapers, hands, shoes, etc. The stigma and fear of rejection that often accompanies these unusual interests is the catalyst that keeps it in the closet. Speaking from experience, these are lifelong fascinations that do not abate with time and the people who have them did not simply wake up one day with a sudden urge for that specific proclivity, so for them it is hardly about preference.
> 
> I used the word tame because given the litany of interests he could have been imprinted with like diapers or balloons, it is relatively harmless. Note that I also used the word compromise as well. Yes, He disclosed his partialism and as I stated she can choose not to engage or participate. That is her right and as I also stated, he would have to accept it. But knowing how the partialism dynamic works, I can say that since these desires are deeply engraved and specific facets of his sexuality, he will not be able to simply turn off his attraction or desire for feet. She could send him to therapy to try to get rid of it, but then that would be dismissing his preferences on her part now wouldn’t it? So trying 99 other things may not suffice since he has a specific partialism in ONE. So where is the middle ground? Does he just give up any hope of ever fulfilling his needs or should he just be required to forget it? Again that is dismissing his partialism that cannot be turned off and on like a light switch. There has to be a compromise that does not dismiss either of their preferences. Isn’t that the scope of marriage? A marriage is not one-sided. Marriage is a strong bond between two loving people who make mutual decisions. *So tell me, based on the facts at hand, what is the mutual decision here?*


I am basing my opinions on my belief that it is the responsibility of the person with the problem to fix it, in this case it's OP. 

Assuming that OP has a fetish and not a kink or particular preference, he should go to therapy to understand the underlying reasons for his fetish (if it is in fact that) and find coping techniques so that his sexual life is not ruled by it. As you probably know, there is a very strong connection between fetishes and OCD. It is not a healthy way to live.

Assuming OP's thing for feet is just a preference or kink then I stand by my position. He has communicated with his spouse who stated clearly she was not attracted to that sort of sexual play. She didn't say "meh, not my thing but ok", she "freaked out". Therefore the OP can let it go and find something else that he and his partner can enjoy together. 

Now, had she been indifferent to it or not responded as negatively as she had, I would recommend she participate in his kink and see how she feels about it. Evaluate as you go. That wasn't the case here. 





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## Mr. Nail

Lila said:


> I am basing my opinions on *my belief that it is the responsibility of the person with the problem to fix it, in this case it's OP*.
> 
> Assuming that OP has a fetish and not a kink or particular preference, he should go to therapy to understand the underlying reasons for his fetish (if it is in fact that) and find coping techniques so that his sexual life is not ruled by it. As you probably know, there is a very strong connection between fetishes and OCD. It is not a healthy way to live.
> 
> Assuming OP's thing for feet is just a preference or kink then I stand by my position. He has communicated with his spouse who stated clearly she was not attracted to that sort of sexual play. She didn't say "meh, not my thing but ok", she "*freaked out*". Therefore the OP can let it go and find something else that he and his partner can enjoy together.
> 
> Now, had she been indifferent to it or not responded as negatively as she had, I would recommend she participate in his kink and see how she feels about it. Evaluate as you go. That wasn't the case here.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


I'm not going to agree here Lila. The Couple has a problem. They were together for some time before the foot issue was raised. That makes it a kink, not a fetish. She "freaked out" which makes her revulsion stronger than his interest. But the real point is not oh you are the weird one so you fix it. It is hey We have a disconnect here how can we overcome it? 

Personally, I have a whole basket full of kinks, and I don't want to give up any of them. On the other hand after my Daughter threw up, I stopped serving her certain vegetables. There are levels. 

To be Blunt deal breakers are a turn off to me.


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## Lila

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm not going to agree here Lila. The Couple has a problem. They were together for some time before the foot issue was raised. That makes it a kink, not a fetish. She "freaked out" which makes her revulsion stronger than his interest. But the real point is not oh you are the weird one so you fix it. It is hey We have a disconnect here how can we overcome it?
> 
> Personally, I have a whole basket full of kinks, and I don't want to give up any of them. On the other hand after my Daughter threw up, I stopped serving her certain vegetables. There are levels.
> 
> To be Blunt deal breakers are a turn off to me.


Since this isn't a fetish, then why would anyone hold on to their kinks so strongly knowing the damage they are causing their partner? In the OP's case, a partner who had no idea of this particular kink prior to commiting to the marriage and one who finds it so distasteful? 

Again, I'm not saying couple's shouldn't work through their differences but what sort of compromise would be acceptable when one person finds the particular kink/preference negatively or absolutely unattractive?

I once read a story about a woman with a sucking kink. She would secretly suckle on a pacifier while masturbating. When she finally admitted her secret to her husband, he found the idea of assuaging her fetish with oral sex wonderful but found the idea of her sucking on his fingers or a pacifier during sex a turn off. So much so that he lost his erections the few times she sucked on his fingers. This reaction made everything worse for her. She recognized without a doubt how disturbing he found her kink. I guess he could have taken ED meds or injections to force his erections but wouldn't that make the problem worse for him? 

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## Mr. Nail

So weird is bad.

Who is the weird Judge?


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## Lila

Mr. Nail said:


> So weird is bad.
> 
> Who is the weird Judge?


Where did I say weird is bad? 

What I said is if it negatively affects your partner, and it's something within one's control, then why continue to do it?

I keep reading the recommendation to compromise but the examples of compromise all involve OP's partner to work on her absolute dislike of his kink and participate in it. I'm curious how that works. 

Should OPs wife ignore the feelings (physical and mental) of disgust when her husband starts touching her feet? Is the advice for her to compartmentalize her mind so that she has ahappy place to go to when he kisses/sucks her toes? 

In the example of the lady with the sucking kink, should her husband take ED meds or injections to mask his lack of desire for his wife's kink? 

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## Mr. Nail

What I'm saying is that if it the best solution for him to get counseling for his OCD. Then wouldn't it also be prudent for her to get treatment of her Phobia? Fear is also no way to live. But he is weird, and she is normal. 

The corollary is that every partner has an unlimited veto, and everyone should give up their kinks. I'd like to propose that the kink of being attracted to tall fit wealthy people should be the first abandoned.


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## Lila

Mr. Nail said:


> What I'm saying is that if it the best solution for him to get counseling for his OCD. Then wouldn't it also be prudent for her to get treatment of her Phobia? Fear is also no way to live. But he is weird, and she is normal.
> 
> The corollary is that every partner has an unlimited veto, and everyone should give up their kinks. I'd like to propose that the kink of being attracted to tall fit wealthy people should be the first abandoned.


Now you are conflating two different things. Fetishes are highly correlated to OCD, which like any other mental disorder, if it doesn't negatively impact ones life, then it isn't a problem. It's only a problem when it causes issues in one's mental or physical health. 

If OP does in fact have a foot fetish that is negatively impacting his life (i.e. he can't have gratifying sex without entertaining his fetish) then that's a problem. 

In contrast, his wife's lack of desire to entertain her husband's foot fetish/kink/whatever is not a phobia because it's not preventing her from having a satisfactory sexual life. She finds that specific act unattractive but she can find enjoyment in other sexual activities.

But as you stated earlier, this is probably a kink for the OP and not a fetish to which I keep asking what is the appropriate type of compromise when one's partner finds an act unattractive (a turn off). Should they be expected to grit their teeth and bear it on behalf of the partner that enjoys the act? Should they cope with the prospect of having to participate in said act by taking Valium or Xanax or cannabis or alcohol or ED meds? 

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## Mr. Nail

unlimited veto. for non phobic dislike. I've had better success with negotiation than repression.


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## gman95901

You know, I’ve spent the better part of twenty five years dealing with partialisms, and if I had a dollar for every time I encountered a knee-jerking, gut reaction that I've seen more times than I care to remember, I 'd be rich like Maren Morris. Quite frankly, I’m not surprised. Unless you have lived with a partialism or are married to someone who has one, then you simply have no idea what it’s like. These unique preferences can be ingrained in someone through an imprinting event, which in and of itself, can be a powerful moment in the life of a young adolescent male or even female. I carry a rare distinction in that I live with my own partialism but that I am also married to a woman who also has her own. It wasn’t easy, but we made it work even as two young kids and we have been happily married for three decades. 

Back in 2009, my wife and I started a project called Foot Fetish 101 to help couples work through the shock, disconnect and stigma associated with this predilection. Thousands of couples came through the program during those eight years and successfully moved on to happy and productive marriages that were able to incorporate foot partialisms into their routines. My wife, who as I mentioned has a partialism of her own, spent countless hours working with numerous wives who were bewildered, shocked and unsure of where to turn. She worked with these women using education, understanding, and compassion to help them see that although this was ‘out there’ for some of them, it wasn’t beyond the realm of possibility. Some of the couples that entered into the program were in an impasse just as this couple clearly is, and by the time they left, many of them did so with a mutual understanding of each other. In short, they now had a game plan to help them slowly progress step by step to add small facets of the partialism into their lives, until our interaction with them was no longer required. My wife had a special gift for working with these women and I take pride in what we achieved with these couples, because through Foot Fetish 101, we proved that it was possible for a couple to work together to break the stigma and discord and move on with married life. Many of her anecdotal experiences during this time can still be found on various places on the web even though she has since moved on to more serious endeavors in the healing field. 

As for the winding turns that this thread has taken, having consulted the writings of Mark D Griffiths, the venerable Justin Lehmiller ( whose blog is entitled Sex and Psychology), the study led by Dr G. Scorolli (University of Bologna, Italy) in 2007, as well as Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam who wrote the enlightening book, _A billion Wicked thoughts_, I have seen very little documentation in their writings with regards to OCD being a primary causation of fetishes or partialisms. Griffiths does cite a review of fetishism by Dr. Shauna Darcangelo in which she poses s possible link with other psychiatric behaviors. I have some seen some vague references to it on a number of Psych forums that I subscribe to, and I did read the enlightening scholarly article written by Ilana Simons Ph.D. in 2009 that claims that there is such a connection, but I have not as of yet seen any comprehensive study or survey with the singular purpose of definitively linking those behaviors and partialisms together. Lehmiller does however go on to state that, “having a fetish or another unusual sexual interest does not mean that there’s anything inherently wrong with you. It has taken a while, but psychiatrists and psychologists have increasingly come to recognize that fetishes and other paraphilias do not necessarily represent disordered behavior unless they cause personal distress or result in harm to others.”

Now I’m sure there are the moderate exceptions this, but let’s be fair, the OP has partialism, and I saw very little information given to support a conclusion of OCD given the little his level of participation of the thread. Having done my own comprehensive online survey in 2015 of individuals with Foot partialisms and their spouses, while there were some interviews that did mention OCD and even ASD, or autism spectrum disorder, at least in my sampling, the occurrences of this were very moderate. When the sampling ended in 2017, we had surveyed over 10,000 individuals and what we learned from them was invaluable. These people are as normal as you or I and come from all walks of life. They are doctors, lawyers, Department store managers, and yes, even members of the clergy in some cases. Right now, many of them could be standing right next to you in line at the supermarket and you would be hard pressed to pick them out. 

At any rate, all of this may be of little consequence to this thread. Some of you may have noticed that the OP has not had any direct contact with it since his initial interaction. Personally, I always make it a point to look at any poster’s overall body of work before I interact with a thread and in doing so in this case, it has become abundantly clear that this marriage was clearly already suffering through a difficult period well before the foot partialism was imprudently brought into the mix. So, for us to draw any further conclusions on his psychological wellbeing or his motives, nor his wife’s willingness to come to terms with the introduction of the foot partialism without further interaction from the OP, is nothing more than muckraking…

I wish you all a pleasant, relaxing weekend wherever you may be....


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## Oceania

I thought he was just saying that enjoys all of his wife... including her feet


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## sunsetmist

Totally off the subject, but having read this thread, I made an appointment for a pedicure at a new site--best one ever with yummy massage. Then made appt. for next week for reflexology. Thanks, folks.


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