# What do I do now :-(



## 2goornot2 (Nov 18, 2009)

My husband and me have known each other for 13 years. He has a 13 year old son from his first marriage that ended in 2000. We have been together for 8 years and married for 6. In 2003 I was diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder and PTSD. We have 3 children together. I was literally pregnant for the first 3 years of our marriage. My oldest son is 6, daughter 5 and youngest son will soon be 4. As far as treatment for the bipolar there wasn't much that could be done as far a meds since I was pregnant. In 2006 after my youngest son was born I quit my job and it was determined by social security that I was unable to work due to my disability. I became a stay at home mom. I have been to several doctors and therapists, most of which were very unhelpful. My husband would tell me that I was not trying nor did I care about my family because I wasn't getting any better. I have been tried on 33+ meds in the last 6 years, and feel like a guinea pig. It has been difficult/stressful managing my disorder, family, marriage and any other situations that arise. I have been seeing a great therapist for the past year or so, taking my meds by my doctor, but I'm still having difficulty managing the rollercoaster ride of emotions. My husband has given me ulimatums that he will only stay with me if he sees I'm trying. I have been trying hard, but it seems he keeps raising the bar on me, constantly expecting more and more from me. On the other hand he works and then on his days off he spends it in front of the computer or in his garage for 8-10 hours a day. I get not help from him in caring for the children or household. I'm responsible for paying the bills on time, getting the children to school on time, picking them up etc. He recently started complaining about how I cook, even though I've been cooking the same since we've been together. I cut my hair to do something for me, and his response to me was "I like your hair long" not even a compliment. It just seems that everything I do is not good enough for him anymore. When I try talking to him about my feelings and our marriage, he gets defensive and blames me for the way it is, so then I shut down and get frustrated. We constantly fight about the same things over and over again with no resolutions. He critises how I care for the children, but when he's home on his days off he's constantly yelling at them to be quiet because he's too focused on the computer or some other task. I know that there is stigma that goes along with a mental illness, but it seems the stress of this marriage is not helping me with my goals of getting healthy...What do I do now?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

How are things financially?

I find it interesting that he spent so much time getting you pregnant while you were struggling with other things. What's his excuse there?

How have the two issues caused you problems in how you deal with home life? What are his actual complaints?

Ask him to write his down. That way you can prove to him he's giving you a moving target, setting you up to fail.

He sounds overwhelmed and so he is lashing out.

If you were to divorce, how would he handle the financial and living arrangements? Does he realize with 4 children that the majority of his life will be spent paying child support? Can he see that it is in his best interest to find a way to be happy where he is?

Also, is there someone else in his life?

Counseling is in order of course. But you knew that already.

Take good care of yourself. You can't make him happy. He's miserable all on his own. You have to know this isn't your fault.

Also, why did his first m arriage end?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Good response, dobo. 

OP, I think you should put marriage counseling front and center. I suspect he is taking advantage of your mental illness diagnosis and needs to treat you like a wife, not a servant. He probably thinks you would be too afraid to leave, so you let him get away with exploiting you. A counselor may help the two of you communicate better, and can tell him what HE needs to be doing to help you at home. Your mental illness is your own struggle (although support is always nice) and it sounds like you are aggressively seeking treatment. It's unfair that his "free time" is truly FREE from family responsibilities; you work (at home) and when is YOUR free time? An even balance at home is essential in today's society--there are too many demands even on stay-at-home moms (SAHM). Maybe he needs to cut back his hours and to stop defining his contribution to the family in terms of $$$ only. You can look online to find how much it would cost to replace you--it's like, $50K for all a SAHM does, if services have to be purchased. Keep up with all you are doing for yourself and get him to be part of the parenting and homemaking. The kids will be closer to him if he takes a more active care-giving role, too. Good luck!


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## 2goornot2 (Nov 18, 2009)

I definitely agree that counseling is in order. Over the last couple of years he has even suggested couples counseling and that he was going to set the appt..but that never happened. I've set up appts but he won't go. We now have one scheduled this coming saturday with my personal therapist.. Financially, I struggle to pay all the bills, and of course he already pays child support for his 13 year old so I try to manage the normal monthly bills, credit cards, car payment, mortgage etc. He never even attempts to pay anything, but on occasion he will look at the credit card balances and question any purchases I've made, which are usually very small amounts like $30-$50. Then he complains that the balances are too high and something has to be done, so what does he do, he goes out the next day and puts hundreds on them, I struggle to keep them in check, most of his spending is on his trucks, things that are for just so they can look better like his friends. When I attempt to talk to him about the spending he gets angry with me and says I'm attacking him. I'm also trying to save money for my childrens future in their own savings accts, he even told me to stop putting money in them because we couldn't afford it. His first marriage ended because his ex cheated on him and got pregnant. Since we've been together early on I got pregnant while we were dating and he told me he was not committed and told me to get an abortion, so I did...He expects me care not only for our 3 but also for his 13 year old that visits during the holidays and the summer. I'm suppose to be the perfect stepmom and care for him, but when I ask questions about what and how he is doing, I get told to stay out of it, it's none of my business..He want's him for the holidays, but he always works the holidays so I'm stuck taking care and planning all the holidays for the kids by myself. He's never helped me plan any of the kids birthday parties, thats just my job I guess...If we do divorce, he has already told me that I would never get the kids due to my illness..that scares me to have my kids taken away from me, so I stay. I'm hoping that this counseling session with my therapist can be positive. I just feel that this relationship is one sided most of the time, I don't feel equal, I always less than..Thanks for all the input and support.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

The more you describe him, the more it is clear he's overwhelmed and has no coping mechanisms.

I'd like to suggest a neutral, third party counselor. He's going to tell you that your counselor is on your side, etc. 

You need someone to help you set a budget and to learn to live within it. 

Does he have any hobbies or things he enjoys doing that are non-destructive and that he can involve the kids in? You need to encourage him to find something if there isn't something like that. R/C cars or airplanes, rockets, astronomy, rock collecting, sports, camping, fishing, hunting....

Look, he's nuts holding your illness over your head. He's clueless about how the law will work. So stop listening to him. He's ignorant. You won't lose your kids. No way. Not gonna happen.

There's something wrong with him. It isn't you.


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## 2goornot2 (Nov 18, 2009)

Should I give the counseling a try first before I make any decisions on leaving? I still love him, but I want myself to get better for me and for my children. Just the other day I sent him an article to his email that talked about the signs of a marriage in trouble...he just sent it to the trash and he didn't even mention it to me. I'm in such turmoil over this. I understand that I have made mistakes as well in the past, but I can't go back and change those. I'm trying to focus on here and now and looking toward the future. I have hopes and dreams about how I want this marriage to go just like anyone else, but there is so much resentment involved. He resents me for not loving his first son at the moment we met when he was 5. I got dumped on back then by my husband and his ex. The child was obviously in pain and needed help and he hated me, but his dad was always working and his mom just disappeared for a couple of years. I tried to confront my husband about the behaviors he was displaying, but it fell on deaf ears, then one day I lost it and from there on out I became the wicked stepmom. My husbands ex inlaws gave me grief and so did his ex wife, nothing has changed to this day. I try not to let it bother me, but when he is visiting us I feel like I should be walking on egg shells in my own home. They say hurtful things like not acknowleging that he has 3 brothers and sisters (my children), the only one he's been told to accept is his other sister, which is his mothers little girl with a different father. I know I'm rambling. I just keep looking back at everything and wonder if those were warning signs.


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## 2goornot2 (Nov 18, 2009)

Well today we went to see my therapist. It was kind of tense. Just like I thought he rambled on and on and on...He never really answered the therapists questions directly always an indirect answer. Don't feel like we really accomplished anything today..when we got home he ate lunch and he's been in the garage going on 6 hours now. Don't know really how to approach this anymore. It's basically me keeping quiet and staying in my own little world and he is in his. His biggest complaint is that I judge him by my past relationships and experiences. Little background...age 11 molested by father till age 12, father was an extremely mean alcoholic..age 14 father put a gun to mothers head and then put it in my hand and put it to his stomach and told me to pull the trigger..age 18 got pregnant but lost it..age 21 was raped by a date rape...age 22 got pregnant again this time went through the pregnancy by myself and gave the baby up for adoption...after age 22 I just worked myself to death to forget had some problems keeping jobs because of alcohol use..then age 25 became friends with my husband and his then wife...age 28 started dating husband..so yes I have some issues and I'm working hard to put that all behind me..it's alot to take on and keep the past in the past without it affecting now and my future and on top of it having a mental illness doesn't help either. I've been in psych hospitals over the years..last year for example I was taken to the ER 4 times and admitted 3 of them. I was put on birth control to help with my PMS/PMDD symptoms and the hormones from them sent me into an extremely pyschotic fit..I had no idea what I was doing...from what I understand I threatened my husband with a knife and he called the police..I regret ever doing that, but I barely remember doing any of it..I'm trying to work on me as well as my marriage, children, etc. I just feel he wants me to be well instantly and when I fail I don't get support just a big lecture about how I don't love him or my children because I am selfish..He's even told me that the world doesn't revolve around me and to stop feeling sorry for myself.. That kind of hurt..Probably didn't mention that my husband is also a nurse always trying to fix me..I feel like one of his projects instead of a person or his wife..Also am I wrong for getting mad when he talks about me behind my back to his ex??? Please let me know any thoughts on this...Thanks in advance


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## 2goornot2 (Nov 18, 2009)

Update: My husband has told me he is done with me. One counseling session and he decides it's over. I guess it's over:-(


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