# Wedding Anniversary not the same



## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

For those of you who have reconciled, when your wedding anniversary rolls around how to you feel now? Do you still even acknowledge them?

I feel like my "original marriage" died on DDay ( 1 1/2 years ago)

I used to look forward to a special day with lots of special attention. Now although we have been in MC since DDay and have both worked very hard toward reconcilliation, and still mark the occasion with dinner, it doesn't feel special.

Anyone else feeling that way?

To the wayward spouses out there, 
I would like to hear your side too. Do you feel that you have to put in extra effort now on anniversaries?


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

....not just the wedding anniversary ...but all occasions / dates that were significant in one way or another ...have seemed to have lost their original luster.

....in my case ...we're approaching a pretty big milestone anniversary this summer ....and by miserable coincidence, the "anniversary" date of my wife's ONS from 18 yrs ago is only about a week before that. It's always cast a dark cloud of sorts over it ...but this year may be worse. I will have to fight the triggers like a crazy S.O.B. to not allow whatever progress has been made get thrown aside.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You might want to reset the counter and start it on the day you chose to R.


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

It never felt special to me because my husband always hated having to be sweet or have anything expected of him. It was always a huge fight.. Even before he fell on love with someone else.

This time I'm going to feel different for other reasons. I'd say of you've betrayed or been betrayed the anniversary isnt really a celebration of having achieved thatany years anymore.. Truthfully you're starting over from the DDay or the date of your recommitting. I wouldn't make it special of I was the betrayed. I'd only make it amazing if I was the betrayer...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Colleen (Apr 17, 2013)

I'm 2+ years out and felt the same way. We didn't celebrate our 20th because we were already in crisis, and the affair started about two months later. The following year, we barely mentioned it, as we were tentatively deciding whether we (and by we, I mean me) wanted to reconcile. 

The following year, I was still super pissed off. There had been rug-sweeping, and trickle truth and I was tired of it. Then we finally got to the bottom of things, and while it was hard, it allowed more healing to take place. 

We just celebrated our first anniversary (of our original wedding date) on May 19. I received a new wedding set, because I felt the old one was tarnished, and not as meaningful (I realize not everyone feels this way, but I did). It was still a complete surprise when he gave it to me, he had picked it out himself, and be anxiously waiting for months. We had always had good anniversaries (other than those three), but my husband was never as excited about an anniversary as he was this year. Stopped and told as many people as possible. 

It's hard. Everyone has to go at their own pace. Last year I would have told you it would never mean anything again, but time has been a good healer for me (historically, as well). Good luck, I wish you the best.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Yeah, that's a tough one. Like Shaggy says, restart the clock if you are TRULY reconciling and count from there. For me, our old marriage is dead. Even though the first 7 or so years were great, the 5 years of the affair killed it and any "happy" memory I had during that time.

Luckily, I had like 5 months of working on reconciliation before our wedding anniversary. I got a new ring to wear because the old one just hurt too much to wear. It was way too heavy.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

We have never "celebrated" our anniversary in a big way. I"m not 100% how my husband feels about it but I take it as an extra opportunity to say "Thank you" for staying with me.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

We would have had our 23rd Anniversary at the beginning of May.

Although the divorce was final in February we are still living together.

It was a very tough day for me. My ex wife kind of realised it would be, but it didn't really register for her. I always valued anniversaries more than her anyway - even before she decided to do what she did.

Oddly enough, she turned to me this morning and said it has just struck her that we aren't married any more. She's like that...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> We would have had our 23rd Anniversary at the beginning of May.
> 
> Although the divorce was final in February we are still living together.
> 
> ...


She is in denial. And a bloody big Lizard grabbed her and pulled her under.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

We went away for our wedding anniversary in July last year. Unknown to me, he had not long since bought his first paid subscription to a dating site and was already chatting to other women.

I don't intend to celebrate it this year. Why celebrate the anniversary of a day you made vows to each other, which are now broken? It's meaningless.

We always used to celebrate the anniversary of our first date also, which is mid-November. We always go for a meal in the same pub where we met.

Last year the anniversary of our first date was days after I had discovered that he was 'texting' another woman so it was tainted with talk of that. I since discovered that he was in the middle of his first PA with her and he'd managed to squeeze in that traditional anniversary dinner with me in between dates with her.

So I doubt we'll be celebrating that one any more either.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

I remember getting into a fight with my wife because she got me a funny anniversary card, and signed it 'love ya'... I was hoping for some warmth, because at that point in my life I wasn't hearing much in the way of how wonderful it was to be married to me. Another sign I didn't notice in my conscious mind, but my subconscious probably added that to the list of curiosities... 

I'm torn with this because we did have a couple wonderful decades before the whole mid life crisis thing hit.. but vows were broken...

How about writing new vows, that mean something.. not just words someone else is reading, then read them on the old anniversary date so you can still celebrate on that day, but celebrate the new commitment to loving, respecting and honoring each other? Mine is coming up in Nov... I will be 7mos from DDay..


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

Well since my wife's affair went sexual (slept with the OM in the back seat of the car out side a club) a week before our wedding anniversary it is a major trigger for me now and she knows it.
It does not feel special at all. I have to celebrate other things another way now to replace it. It is a bad time of the year now. November the 19th is our anniversary and the feelings kind of spill over into the holidays as well because of the shock of it. 
So what used to be my favorite time of the year our anniversary, Thanksgiving, and Christmas is not any more.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Things are never the same, and will never be the same.

What triggers is the DDay and anniversaries of DDay!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

All holidays are triggery for me. My entire year round calendar is filled; There are zero “us” holiday’s anymore as every single one now has memories of others in them and what they did to celebrate. 

Anniversary is a nasty one. Had mine Monday (18th). It’s one where I do a covert contract (unspoken wants followed by disappointment that I didn’t just get it). In my head, that I didn’t divorce is enough of a present; I used to get shiny baubles for her. I can’t even find a Hallmark card without spending a good hour there holding back tears of what I don’t have.. What I want is for my WW to do some large action that restates how much she loves me. This year, for the 4th time post DD... she did almost nothing (just lunch) and seemed to walk on eggshells for the entire weekend being to afraid to say or do anything and be judged.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Anniversaries used to be very special to me. Next month will be our 2nd since Dday. I'm not looking forward to it. For the last one we took a trip together. That was good, and a way to reconnect. This year we will both be staying home helping our daughter recover from surgery. We will have to squeeze for time together and she will 'expect' some type of gift from me. I really don't feel like getting her anything.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

I lost all interest in anniversaries and holidays after learning of my WW's affair. Her behavior told me how meaningful holidays and anniversaries really are. I see them now as "pretend" days...


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

DDay confirmed my marriage was tainted. No more pristine, me and you against the world relationship. Nothing can bring that back. Anniversaries are not the same. Nothing's the same. Bought her a ring on the 20th things were great for about a week.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Something does die when this happens. So, now, we are trying to make new memories together. We try to make time for bike rides, dinners,movies, walks, shows, whatever we can make time for. We are going to Vegas for the weekend of our anniversary week this year to see a show and have some fun.

We never had a real honeymoon as we had moved here a year before we got married and all our family members were still back east. So, when they came out for our wedding we did not leave for a honeymoon.

After that we were always busy with the business and then our kids so next January we are celebrating our 35th anniversary (year) in St Lucia for a week as we don't want to be there at the end of June. 

Both of these trips were his idea as he says I deserve something special. So far he's doing all the right things, but of course, I am still vigilant.


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## lookingforsupport (May 13, 2013)

This thread made me extremely sad - we are 6 months away from our first anniversary since DDay and I'm already dreading how hard it will be for her. Sounds like there are two options - ignore it or really work super hard to make it special (middle ground sounds like it just feels awkward for both). Maybe as it gets closer I'll ask her what her preference is, since I would want to honor that above all else.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

My mom's birthday, my birthday, my brothers birthday, and my wedding anniversary all on the same day! Huge mistake to ever marry on a milestone!!! 

~sammy


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