# HIV positive



## Gandam (Apr 26, 2011)

Hi all

Been married to soon to be ex wife for 10 years togather, have three kids, always been working full time and she worked part time while going to post grad school, we both from good finacial families.
I went to doctor last month for first time general exam, due to history of Diabetes in family found out about the virus. was shoked, i thought he was joking, it took me an hour release he was series. I never cheated, never kissed or held or huged anyone except my wife. 

before rushing home with a pistol with my hand i went to the park and took me a deep breath, then went home, called her mother to pick the kids so we can have talk with wife. 

I asked her about her affair, who is she having an affair with, her face got blu was like what you are talking about, with red angry face I asked again and again. after argument and fights picked her phone and found numeruse calls and text from one person. she broke down and told me she had an affair with this man she met in business trip that work in same company and she been with him for more than a year. 

she said she love me but not in love with me but still love me, and she is in love with other man. so I broke the news to her and told her what docotor found in the blood test. she thought i was saying that because i was angry. I showed her the papers and she almost passed out, crying, screaming. I kicked her out the house in her PJs like a fealthy animal. 

couldnt believe the once was love of my life would do that to me. i was soo in love with that woman I couldnt be happied, 10 years of love turned to super hate and disguesting in few hours. 

she begged me and cried and knocked on doors and windows to talk to her, the next villa saw her and picked her up to calm down. 

I told her my parents and her parents about the situation. after few days, she got hold me, and I asked her what happen, it seemed the guy she in love with cheated on her while in vegas and gave her the virus then she passed to me. she broke up with that guy and he also left her.

without her knowldge, I took the kids and I flew back home Russia, leaving everything back in US, and told her if she need to settle things she needs to fly to russia and deal with russia court system because American court system when it comes to a father is just a total .....

I have to live what left from my life devoted to my kids only. im still blessed and glad to have wonderful kids.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Breathe. What a freaking nightmare. This exact same thing happened to a man I knew a few decades ago. Read that again. A few decades ago. He is healthy and very well. He is happily married to another man (gay obviously). HIV is no longer a death sentence. 

I am so sorry. What you are experience is so wrong on so many levels. All I can say is how sorry I am you are going through this.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I am so sorry Gandam that your wife gave you this virus, enjoy the time, stay healthy friend.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wow. I am sorry to hear this happened to you.

You were right to tell her of the results and confront her. Sh eneeds to tell everyone she has had sex w/ about it too.

As for the laws: I'm unsure of how it will play out with the children. Do they know what happened?


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## Gandam (Apr 26, 2011)

her family disowned her, 
I told our kids that their mother died, they are young. 

and Hope every chating spouse suffer the same suffering im going through now, every spouse who cheated on her husband no matter what the reason has to suffer the same suffering.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Gandam said:


> Hi all
> 
> Been married to soon to be ex wife for 10 years togather, have three kids, always been working full time and she worked part time while going to post grad school, we both from good finacial families.
> I went to doctor last month for first time general exam, due to history of Diabetes in family found out about the virus. was shoked, i thought he was joking, it took me an hour release he was series. I never cheated, never kissed or held or huged anyone except my wife.
> ...


You need to get those kids back home, period. What a dirty thing( and illegal) to do to their mom. Two wrongs don't make a right.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

While I do sympathize with what happened to you, I can't imagine the pain you are feeling, it isn't right to tell them she is dead.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

I say tell them she's dead and let her be glad you didn't kill her like she killed you.
For every unfaithful spouse who has had an unprotected affair and put their faithful spouse at risk through their selfishness, let Gandam's story be a warning. The stupidity of your actions reaches farther than you can imagine while you're dealing with the excitement of forbidden fruit.
I'm sorry, but this story strikes home with me because I lived it. Thank God I came out negative, but she could've just as easily killed me with her irresponsibility. Gandam, my heart goes out to you. I am so very sorry. I am so very angry that this happened.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Casting, I am soooo happy to hear you are negative, that is wonderful news. My heart goes out to him as well.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

I agree with Casting on this one all the way. I need to get tested myself. My wife did get tested less then a month after the PA, but then I heard that is way to soon. I have no idea what I will do if I find out to be positive.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

I don't advocate violence against women but I'd understand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

we all can relate to gandors
pain/anger but.....

telling kids shes dead is wrong, tho' expeditious for the present.

taking 'em to russia, kinda wrong too but i cant say i wouldnt 
do the same in his shoes either as he's right bout the US courts,
as they're horrible in re: to divorce/settlements etc.

if anyone here at TAM doesnt get a HIV ck every now n then, 
well....they're ostriches is all i can say & be PC @ same time.

shalom........


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I was thinking earlier, that I pray that it is a troll, but I don't think he is....I pray for you G, I can completely understand your reaction, but be the bigger man. It will hopefully come in time. I can't say I wouldn't react the same, but I get that she did something that really physically affected you for the rest of your life, it is horrible and wrong, and I am thankful for you that modern medicine has made it possible for you to be healthy, I don't know with modern medications what a lifespan is, but I know it is alot longer than 10 years ago. I guess what I can say is that I am thankful for you that you found out, and are doing what you can and be healthy and do the best for you.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

paramore said:


> I was thinking earlier, that I pray that it is a troll, but I don't think he is....I pray for you G, I can completely understand your reaction, but be the bigger man. It will hopefully come in time. I can't say I wouldn't react the same, but I get that she did something that really physically affected you for the rest of your life, it is horrible and wrong, and I am thankful for you that modern medicine has made it possible for you to be healthy, I don't know with modern medications what a lifespan is, but I know it is alot longer than 10 years ago. I guess what I can say is that I am thankful for you that you found out, and are doing what you can and be healthy and do the best for you.


I think you may be right. What were the risk factors for this guy getting AIDS? Was he bi? There are usually symptoms on initial infection. Also, treatment in Russia is not at all as good as in the US, so why would he go to Russia, why not move to another state and take advantage of the superior health care in US?


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I wish you the best.
Take care of yourself and your children.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

How long have you been in Russia, G?


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## Gandam (Apr 26, 2011)

I left everything behind. If I stayed I know she is going to fight for the kids which means im going to see her again which means I will lose my temper and do something i wanted to do since I knew about the virus then end up losing my health, freedom and kids. 
in Russia i wont worry so much about losing freedom if she thought about coming to fight for the kids. 

I loved that woman so much, we are from high class family, educated, I'm professor at one of the universities in east cost, she is a model and pursuing her master degree. I thought I had everything I asked for.

someone asked about good medication in US. who cares. what did I do wrong, why that happened to me? someone answer me
I'm very good looking, built, athletes, I have 6 packs, money. I spent time with her, I made her feel like a queen. she wanted to work because she needed to feel important so i supported her. 
I'm sorry for being mean toward women, but from now on thats how I'm going think. 
my mother warned me marrying American woman, I never listened, she warned me so many times and asked me to think with my brain not with feelings. I'm in my early 30s and wont have same life.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Gandam said:


> I'm sorry for being mean toward women, but from now on thats how I'm going think.


One ******* does you wrong, so everyone in that class is an *******? I remember talking to a member of the KKK one time. He told me that one time a black guy beat up his friend. Right. 

Grieve for sure. But what you are doing is not mentally healthy.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

This could have happened whether your wife was Russian OR American. I'm sorry you've got the virus and I'm sure its fueling a lot of your anger. I feel that right now you're not in the right state of mind to have a legit conversation about whats happened to you. I feel that you need to rant and rave and get it all out, and I hope no one on this board will take offense to it while you get it all out of your system. You'll probably say a lot of things you really shouldn't, and you'll probably think negatively for a long time.

Be careful, because if you grabbed the kids and ran, there could be some serious consequences if she chose to fight for them.

Please don't consider all of us American woman bad. There are plenty of American women on here who are suffering just like you. We've had our spouces stray from us and are feeling the same way you are.

I hope everything turns out for the best. I hope she cries at night, realizing what she's done to you and herself. You don't deserve it.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

i'm sensing a "troll"

but it aint me.

:lol:


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I hope he is, because this story is heartbreaking.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Wow, this is the reality of the selfishness of cheating. I am so sorry for you.  Stay strong and give those kids the life they deserve. I know you're feeling a lot of anger, but family counseling and individual counseling would be a good idea.


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## Gandam (Apr 26, 2011)

thanks, all, 

the female I married kept sending emails asking to forgive her and work on marriage, she said she no longer has feeling for the other person, and she misses her kids. and she is welling to live in russia with us. my email to her was
" Dont even think about getting back together, Dont even think for a second that I would forgive you for what you have done to us, you are a selfish person who only think think about satisfying her own needs, you have no kids no more, you could easily passed your disgusting virus to them and caused them to suffer their whole life if they lived it, they are happy here, I already enrolled in schools and hired an attorney to take care of things in US."


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Gandam,

While it is true that HIV no longer is the death sentence that it once was 20-30 years ago. Treatment wise, some countries are more advanced than the US when it comes to HIV.

I would advise you to consider arranging your legal matters with regards to the care of the children if something were to happen to you. If you haven't done so, consult a Russian attorney and see if you can designate some family member(s) as backup custodians.

As far as your STBXW's pleas are concerned, I wouldn't trust her being alone with the children for fear of taking them back with her to the States. She may be the mother of your children, but until all the legal dust has settled in your favor, I would not agree to anything she requests.

Hang in there brother, you'll make it.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sounds like she wants to work on the marriage so that she can:
A) Come to Russia, and kidnap the kids back to the U.S.
or...
B) Get you back on U.S. soil where our man-hating legal system can have its way with you.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Sounds like she wants to work on the marriage so that she can:
> A) Come to Russia, and kidnap the kids back to the U.S.
> or...
> B) Get you back on U.S. soil where our man-hating legal system can have its way with you.


:iagree::iagree:


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

Hi Gandam, 

Your story hit my heart and this could have easily happened to me also. my soon to be ex husband confessed he was cheating on me with multiple prostitutes the whole 10 years we were together from adolescence. I am still scared if i had contracted anything even though i have done full blood labwork twice. i will do another one soon. 

i really wish you the best and i am glad you have cared for your children the way you did; enrolling them in school, giving them a new possible future. you will need guardians just in case, but since you are home, it should be no problem with, what i assume, is a lot of family and relatives around. 

and i agree that one person is responsible for one another. when you love someone, take vows, it means a lifelong commitment. during this continuous difficult time, i turned to God. so if you are religious, perhaps, this difficult time can direct you to your belief in a higher power.


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## Gandam (Apr 26, 2011)

thank you all. 

I have plenty of family here and they all supportive.
F102 -
Not sure what she thinks or plans. there is no way I will her near my children.
My paper works already in russian court system and soon she will have an arrest if she shows up.
no way am going back to the U.S, I agree with you, court system always with a woman specially when it comes to children. 

she is hated by everyone now, i sent an email to her friends and workers telling them about her, that alone will destroy her. I think her only way left is to stay with HIV infested boy friend that cheats on her. 

Not sure I understand freaking women any more. a woman get a husband, children, and nice life, but choose to take a trash way of living and choose a bad guy over decent man.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Gandam said:


> Not sure I understand freaking women any more. a woman get a husband, children, and nice life, but choose to take a trash way of living and choose a bad guy over decent man.


Why are you blaming *women* for the actions of your immoral, loser wife? I, for one, am a person of character and do not enjoy being lumped in with your foolish wife.


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## Gandam (Apr 26, 2011)

MOM6547 I cant answer you now. 

From looking at things on this forum, it feels like people cheating because they know that their spouse would forgive them and take them back, they would say what the heck let me fook that person and have fun then we could work on marriage. 
if every cheating end up in divorce, people would understand then cheating would mean end of things, cheating would mean getting out of the circuit of marriage forever and losing whatever you have. then this person would never think about cheating.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Bets of luck, sorry to hear of your situation.


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

This is the Most Horrific story i ever heard! Wow...i'm floored by this. May God bless you man & i'm glad you got out of the country as fast as you did because if not u may have not only stuck with this virus but without your children too!


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## Gandam (Apr 26, 2011)

Thank you stone. 

long long ago, the furthest as I can remember, my female friend from childhood from russian small town where I was born was always there for me. I remember she always followed me around, I hated that needy girl who always keep crying, she was a friend of my sister so I had to see her daily, we both went to same school starting first grade, feelings toward her was changing while growing.
when I'm sad, crying, happy she was always there for me. don't want it to make long for why we never got married. 
When she was told what happened to me and that I moved to Moscco, she left her Teaching Job and flew to Moscco to see me, I never spoke to her or seen her for a while and never known of her plans to see me. 
I was walking to my car around noon yesterday to visit my doctor, she was there, when I saw her, I cried so hard like never before, and held her. we couldnt stop talking for hours.
long story short, she told me that she love me and always did and want to stay with me. 
I couldn't see myself doing that to her, I wont be a normal husband, and the risk of her getting infected is high.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Gandam said:


> Thank you stone.
> 
> long long ago, the furthest as I can remember, my female friend from childhood from russian small town where I was born was always there for me. I remember she always followed me around, I hated that needy girl who always keep crying, she was a friend of my sister so I had to see her daily, we both went to same school starting first grade, feelings toward her was changing while growing.
> when I'm sad, crying, happy she was always there for me. don't want it to make long for why we never got married.
> ...


Wow. She's a very beautiful woman.


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## loveless25 (Jan 5, 2011)

im glad you have someone to help you through this. you are entitled to be loved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Don't turn her away. Everybody dies, some sooner some later. My wife has sever depression. She takes meds. She has told me that even if she lived 5 or 10 years less because of taking the meds, she would still take them. My point is. maybe you are worth the risk to this woman. She risks everything to be with you, that my friend is love.

P.S.

I would also wager that hers were tears of joy to see you. You see risk. She sees you.


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

That woman sentenced that man. Thats F*cked up Period and she deserves to deal with this pain until the day she dies.

Period!

Gandam Live life the best way you can and enjoy every moment with your children! Live brother! Live to the fullest!!!


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Ummm, I think you missed something Stone. OP was not talking about his W.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Oh yeah your right @pidge70 My bad.


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## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

This should be a wake up call for everyone - so. sorry you're in this situation


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Gandam,

Have you had a followup lab test? I ask because lab mistakes do happen. Two more follow up lab tests could come back negative. Something for you to consider.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

This is so sad. I think cheating is so wrong. However, stealing the kids and telling them their mother died is so sick, I can't believe a parent who loved their kids would do that. 

You have a right to be devastated by what your wife did and if you want to divorce her, that is your right. But people who cheat should not be banned from their children just because they had an affair!

What your wife did was wrong and the consequences for both of you (developing HIV) is tragic. You did nothing wrong to deserve getting HIV. However, your wife didn't purposely give you HIV, did she? If so, that would make her a criminal and would be grounds for time in prison. But my sense is that this was not intentional. And your kids are not at risk from getting HIV from you or their mother unless they come into contact with your blood or semen. 

There is ZERO justification for stealing your kids and telling them their mother died. Your children need their mother and for you to deprive THEM of a relationship with her is cruel, selfish, and destructive. This is not all about you. Your kids have a right to a relationship with both of you.


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

I am in now way in a position to say what you should and shouldn't do, and I can understand why you have done what you have.

I really feel for the kids in this (obvioulsy youself aswell being infected in the way you have).

I also feel it is so wrong and hurtful to the kids. How must they feel in years to come if this comes out that in fact she isn't dead, and how would that interfere with your relationship with them.

They could end up really hating and resenting you for taking away their mother and lying to them.

It's an absolutely horrific case to read this, but for goodness sake, dont' make rash decisions on behalf of your children whilst angry (fully understood why here), but you could regret that decision later on in life.

I wish you all the best in however this turns out, especially your kids here


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> This is so sad. I think cheating is so wrong. However, stealing the kids and telling them their mother died is so sick, I can't believe a parent who loved their kids would do that.
> 
> You have a right to be devastated by what your wife did and if you want to divorce her, that is your right. But people who cheat should not be banned from their children just because they had an affair!
> 
> ...


The problem with your argument is that his STBXW did not give a crap about her kids or husband. She didn't give a crap about acquiring a deadly STD when she had sex with the OM and passing it on to her husband. If she had, then she would have not had sex with the OM and if she did, she should have rejected her husband's advances. She was not an ignorant, poor peasant girl from a third world country with no knowledge of the dangers of STD.

She got what she deserved and her kids are better off knowing that she is dead to them.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

That "woman"( i hesitate to even call her that... deserves whatever she gets at this point. I feel for the children as when they're older they will likely find out the truth of what happened. The truth always comes out. 

I hope you can find peace from being a good father to your children and I hope you can find joy in loving them. 

This is one of those case where the kids are better off without a mother.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If the genders had been reversed, I would still stand by my opinion that the victim spouse has every right and moral duty to take the children from the monster.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Gandam,

Here's some good news for every person infected with the HIV virus:



> *Study: Early Treatment Makes HIV Less Infectious
> Uninfected Sex Partner 96% Less Likely to Get HIV if Infected Partner Is Treated*
> 
> May 12, 2011 -- People who start HIV treatment while their immune systems still are strong are 27 times less likely to infect their sex partner than are those who delay treatment, an international study shows.
> ...


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Still smell a troll, but giving it the benefit of the doubt:

1. The new girlfriend: Good for you; use a condom. Always.
2. The kids: have them checked, too, esp. if they were born or were breastfed recently. Don't want to find out later they needed early treatment. 
3. The wife: Hate cheaters. H did it to me. Lots of bitterness and woman-hating and man-hating going on around here. Fact is, it isn't about men or women. It's about people. Some of them suck. Some of them make mistakes, some of them make BIG F***G MISTAKES. You can bet yer --she didn't catch that virus for herself on purpose. One thing I'm coming to grips with in therapy: LIFE ISNT FAIR and sometimes GOOD PEOPLE GET SHAFTED. 
4. The courts: see #3. I know men and women (myself included) who should have their kids and don't. The Leaver holds the cards, usually, and the Left Behind gets to wonder what the ? happened?
5. Torn about the mom is dead thing. I know your white-hot pissed. I would be too. Just don't know how the kids are going to see you when they learn the truth. But I wouldn't be excited about the prospect of sharing them with her, either. 

Get the best treatment you can. Take good care of your kids. Don't let your hate of the wife spoil what the old girlfriend has for you. Maybe love will revisit you for good this time. I send you my warmest thoughts. Today begins your life anew.


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## Anigroeg (May 15, 2011)

Despite the anger about having the disease (and boy that anger is fierce and lasts a long time), what's done is done and can't be undone. You can only concentrate on staying well and being angry and bitter is not good for your health. Trust me on this one! 

Your wife is now also living a death sentance on her own having lost her husband and children. Your children's needs should come frst in all of this. You do not have the right to poison them against her or deny them access to her. That's their decision to make. Don't let your anger take over your decisions - keep calm and logical on this one.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Gandam said:


> I moved to Moscco, she left her Teaching Job and flew to Moscco to see me


It's spelt "Moscow", but then being Russian you know how to spell the name of your captial city.

Also there's no reason to do an HIV test as part of diabetes labwork.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

Actually over there it's normally romanized as Moskva, or Mocквa cyrillic. It's possible he didn't know the U.S. romanization of the capital city, but not likely. You would know better than I about the labwork though.


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## Gandam (Apr 26, 2011)

thank you all for your support. I'm closing my account. 
im still in russia taking care of kids


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Well it is at least a good morality play. Given only this side of the story, I have to admit that I might just do the same thing under those circumstances.

But what is the actual truth of this. We will never know.

But a spouse having sex with anyone else runs this risk and endangers thier spouse as well. Condom or not. When you choose to have a sexual relationship with someone else outside the marriage this is very cruel and it like raping the other spouse. They just do not know about it.

How many unfaithful spouses use a condom?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> How many unfaithful spouses use a condom?


Not sure if this is a rhetorical question or not... But I used condoms during my affair, and my wife and I hadn't had sex since about a month before my cheating. I voluntarily went in for testing after my affair ended, and again with my current GF when we decided we were comfortable being monogamous and we'd like to be barrier free (I've had a vasectomy, she's on the pill, so birth control is covered). But there are diseases and situations that condoms won't protect you from, after all.

Anyway, some of us who have made bad life decisions aren't completely stupid. After all, it's tough to keep things a secret if you have to get your spouse to go for a test.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

PBear said:


> *Not sure if this is a rhetorical question or not... * But I used condoms during my affair, and my wife and I hadn't had sex since about a month before my cheating. I voluntarily went in for testing after my affair ended, and again with my current GF when we decided we were comfortable being monogamous and we'd like to be barrier free (I've had a vasectomy, she's on the pill, so birth control is covered). *But there are diseases and situations that condoms won't protect you from, after all.*
> 
> Anyway, some of us who have made bad life decisions aren't completely stupid. After all, it's tough to keep things a secret if you have to get your spouse to go for a test.
> 
> ...


Appreciate your response. I do wonder what is the usual behavior on this across a large group of people.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

All the smart ones do.
All the dumb drunk ones don't.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

the guy said:


> All the smart ones do.
> All the dumb drunk ones don't.


I am thinking that at some point, especially in an EA that turns physical there would be a desire to not use a condom.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Personally, based on a very small sample, the behavior is similar to single people. Some will go without, some will use protection till they feel "safe" with a new partner, some will always use protection. Unfortunately, there's always an unsuspecting and innocent person who can be affected physically (ignoring the obvious emotional/mental damage).

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Whether or not there is any truth to the OP's post, this kind of stuff does happen on a regular basis... in the case of a close family friend this situation occurred but on with an even more tragic outcome. It is really heartbreaking when good people face such unfair challenges in this world.


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