# Time Away From Each Other: Healthy or Hurtful - We TOTALLY disagree on this



## DelicateFlower

Hello All, 
Some background: 
I grew up in Colorado. He grew up in North Jersey. 
Both had broken homes but the environments and family dynamics we grew up in are as different as Mars and Jupiter. 
I was raised by my dad mostly, never taught to fight, very passive, telling my sister to "shut up" could get me spanked. 
He grew up in a typical New York/North Jersey/Bronx home. Family fights were with fists, insulting each other was the norm, very little love, lots of yelling, anger - the works But family always stuck together. 

Having such different views of life, family and marriage have been a big struggle for us over the 23 years we've been together. We've made a lot of progress, such as getting through his thick skull that insulting me, threatening me and his verbal/emotional abuse is NOT an acceptable way to treat someone you love. For example: for years when we got in an argument he would call me a fuggin idiot and to "shut the Fug up". When I would tell him to stop talking to me that way he would simply respond "what's the big deal, grow up it's just words, they don't mean anything". - It took years to get him to realize deep down, how wrong that way of thinking was.

The one thing we CAN'T find common ground on is spending time away from each other. 
Things like

a girls or boys night out
taking separate trips to see family (if I wanted to go see my sister and he didn't)
going on a cruise with my mom and sister (just the girls) 
going to a film festival when he doesn't etc
are healthy things. 
The list is very swayed towards me because this is where we can't agree; he would never dream of going anywhere without me; he doesn't want to go anywhere without me and he believes, as a married couple, I shouldn't want to either. 
We don't have mutual friends, we don't have get-togethers with people; if we go on vacation or go out, he thinks we should always go together. 

I haven't seen my little sister in 8 years. My husband doesn't get much time off from work (two weeks) and he wants to spend that time, together doing something we BOTH enjoy. Getting on a plane and spending time with family or sight-seeing a new city is not his idea of a good time. 

But he says it's selfish of me that I should WANT to go fly out to and spend time w/o him (me having fun while he's home holding the down the fort - working, taking care of the house, pets etc). 
I should WANT to spend time without him or our son; getting married and having kids mean they are now the priority and where our focus and attention should always be. 

What are your thoughts on this?

Are girls nights out or boys "poker" nights healthy? Taking trips w/o each other?


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## Cromer

I think time apart can be very healthy. When I was married, we each did things with friends. But we also did a lot with each other. No real conflict about it. Unfortunately, she took some of that time apart to be a cheating ho though.


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## Keke24

The thing with not wanting your spouse to spend time away from you, is that it's almost guaranteed to make them want to do just that..


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## EleGirl

Do you have a job? Or are you a SAHM?

You are going to get different takes on this.

I think that you should each be able to do some things wiht friends & family without the other.

He sounds sufficating to me.

Now when it comes to girl's and boy's nights out, it's all about what you are doing. 

For example poker is probably ok. Going out to a restaurant or even some clubs with same sex friends and family is ok as long as the goal is not to flirt, dance and pick up on people.

You two just sound incompatable to me.


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## SpinyNorman

Neglecting relationships w/ people outside your marriage is bad for your marriage. It is also easy to do, and many people think the opposite.

I don't think I can post links, but google "Stephanie Coontz For a Better Marriage Act Like a Single Person". It's a neat article on the above.

Marriage is not a dungeon you lock each other into. Well, a good marriage isn't.


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## Cromer

EleGirl said:


> Going out to a restaurant or even some clubs with same sex friends and family is ok as long as the goal is not to flirt, dance and pick up on people.


Yep, but they have got to be same sex friends who don't cheerlead your wife to screw some stranger. I don't get the whole GNO thing where wives think they should be able to flirt, dance, kiss, and hang on strange men without their husband getting upset. Wait, I guess today that's considered controlling...

It's one thing to do hobbies, cultural events, family outings with your friends and family, etc. where your husband may not be interested. He shouldn't necessarily object. It's another thing entirely to go clubbing with the girls and riling up strange menfolk.


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## EleGirl

Cromer said:


> Yep, but they have got to be same sex friends who don't cheerlead your wife to screw some stranger. I don't get the whole GNO thing where wives think they should be able to flirt, dance, kiss, and hang on strange men without their husband getting upset. Wait, I guess today that's considered controlling...


No one here is suggesting GNO that are for flirting etc. I made a point of that.

My sisters, female friends and I have always gone out on what could be called GNO because it was just 'the girls' and we went out. No once, never, have any of us done what you are suggesting here. 



Cromer said:


> It's one thing to do hobbies, cultural events, family outings with your friends and family, etc. where your husband may not be interested. He shouldn't necessarily object. It's another thing entirely to go clubbing with the girls and riling up strange menfolk.


Why is it that is anyone suggests that women go out together, this is what some people assume is going on? Get real.


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## Cromer

EleGirl said:


> No one here is suggesting GNO that are for flirting etc. I made a point of that.
> 
> My sisters, female friends and I have always gone out on what could be called GNO because it was just 'the girls' and we went out. No once, never, have any of us done what you are suggesting here.
> 
> 
> 
> Why is it that is anyone suggests that women go out together, this is what some people assume is going on? Get real.


In my case, that is exactly what happened with the OM1 ONS situation I just found out about. So, just venting I guess. I shouldn't speak in absolutes, but this crap happens and it only takes once to ruin a bunch of lives. It's all too "get real."


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## Mr.Married

My wife and I have a great marriage. We do things together, we do things separate, we do things both together and separate with friends.
Girls/Boys night out is a good thing. If there is any of the nonsense: what if you look at someone else, what if you do xyz..what if what if what if
why don't you want me, etc etc etc etc... The problem isn't the going out or being separate. The problem is that there are insecurities that
are deriving from some other issue. From reading your other post I would say your husband is VERY insecure.


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## As'laDain

EleGirl said:


> No one here is suggesting GNO that are for flirting etc. I made a point of that.
> 
> My sisters, female friends and I have always gone out on what could be called GNO because it was just 'the girls' and we went out. No once, never, have any of us done what you are suggesting here.
> 
> 
> 
> *Why is it that is anyone suggests that women go out together, this is what some people assume is going on? Get real.*


probably because of how often it happens. i have seen that scenario play out so many times... 

usually, i find out from a soldier when their wife is added to an existing group and they all get her drunk and encourage her to cheat on her husband, which they have been doing themselves. the women who DON'T cheat or show that they are even remotely interested in it don't get invited back out the second time. they will often specifically target the new girl, without hooking up with anyone themselves on that first night. that way, if there is any backlash from the night, they can throw the new girl under the bus, saying "we all just had a good time and went home, the new girl is the only one who cheated!"

it may be more common among military spouses than civilians though... i don't know, but we have all seen it...


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## DelicateFlower

Cromer said:


> I think time apart can be very healthy. When I was married, we each did things with friends. But we also did a lot with each other. No real conflict about it. Unfortunately, she took some of that time apart to be a cheating ho though.


UGH!:surprise: Not cool.


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## DelicateFlower

EleGirl said:


> Do you have a job? Or are you a SAHM?
> 
> You are going to get different takes on this.
> 
> I think that you should each be able to do some things wiht friends & family without the other.
> 
> He sounds sufficating to me.
> 
> Now when it comes to girl's and boy's nights out, it's all about what you are doing.
> 
> For example poker is probably ok. Going out to a restaurant or even some clubs with same sex friends and family is ok as long as the goal is not to flirt, dance and pick up on people.
> 
> You two just sound incompatable to me.


I work full-time as a medical AI programmer. In truth, I'm the breadwinner as of several years ago, grossing $30-$40K more than he does. BUT, I do work completely from home so rarely do I get out. 

I have no interest in going to clubs or male reviews. I do agree that as a married woman that is completely unacceptable and should be left behind once the rings go on. 

Last July my neighbor had a birthday dinner at a local restaurant and her mother planned it as an all-girls-dinner. Just a table of my neighbor's female family and other mothers/wives from our neighborhood. We had Mexican food, talked, laughed had a good time. 
My husband didn't overly 'like' the idea of me going but he didn't throw a total tantrum that I went. BUT he did express his trepidation with it by saying "this is how things start. Someone starts going out without the other and it starts out innocent but the more it happens the more likely one is going to cheat."

The stupid thing is, he knows how ridiculously loyal I am. I am not capable of being with more than one man at a time. The idea repulses me.
His problem is, I am a very friendly, outgoing person and on more than one occasion it's been misconstrued as being flirty. 

I fear you are right about us just being completely incompatible and I've just denied it for 2 ½ decades.


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## DelicateFlower

Mr.Married said:


> My wife and I have a great marriage. We do things together, we do things separate, we do things both together and separate with friends.
> Girls/Boys night out is a good thing. If there is any of the nonsense: what if you look at someone else, what if you do xyz..what if what if what if
> why don't you want me, etc etc etc etc... The problem isn't the going out or being separate. The problem is that there are insecurities that
> are deriving from some other issue. From reading your other post I would say your husband is VERY insecure.


sigh - on so many levels.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

I will share this one paragraph from a post I started around our 30th anniversary in the "Long Term Success in Marriage" forum:



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> On a related note, we have both always been willing to adapt to each other, but without abandoning who we are—and we have been able to accept each other, even when we differ. Each of us strives to find joy in the other, but we have never relied on the other for our own happiness. We share some interests, and have other interests the partner shares not at all. We put common interests at the center of our relationship, but allow each other the opportunity to indulge the non-common interests, completely guilt or pressure-free. Balance is the key. Balance in all things—balance between the individual and the couple, balance between doing our own thing and doing our together thing.


I will add additional emphasis that having personal interests and friends (so long as they don't interfere with the union) is not only healthy, but actually necessary to each individual's mental health, and therefore necessary to the maintenance of the union itself. I have encouraged my wife to join and participate in social circles that have nothing to do with me, and she has become a better wife as a result of having done so. She has no interest in mountain biking, but indulges me in my taking a trip or two each year just to ride my butt off (even though there's no shortage of great mountain biking in the immediate area where we live), in addition to occasional day trips or after-work rides with my biking buddies. 

Again, balance is key. All mature, mentally healthy, high EQ adults understand, and practice this.


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## Steelman

Spending time apart is very healthy, weather a night or a weekend with the boys. Its not even an argument.

If its your husband who is acting like this, he is just insecure. I don't have any friends who are like that.


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## purplesunsets

As'laDain said:


> probably because of how often it happens. i have seen that scenario play out so many times...
> 
> usually, i find out from a soldier when their wife is added to an existing group and they all get her drunk and encourage her to cheat on her husband, which they have been doing themselves. the women who DON'T cheat or show that they are even remotely interested in it don't get invited back out the second time. they will often specifically target the new girl, without hooking up with anyone themselves on that first night. that way, if there is any backlash from the night, they can throw the new girl under the bus, saying "we all just had a good time and went home, the new girl is the only one who cheated!"
> 
> it may be more common among military spouses than civilians though... i don't know, but we have all seen it...


I'm sorry but that kind of made me laugh. This makes me think of high school and peer pressure. What grown woman would be "convinced" to cheat on her spouse solely because others are doing it and encouraging her to do it? Not sure, but that woman would have done it with or without the cheerleading because even in my unhappiest of times, I would never make such a decision because "other people told me to". So silly. We have brains ! 

I know you didn't mean it that way, that's how I read it... I'm sure it is a military thing because I've never, ever heard of this or seen this...not even in a movie haha.


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## purplesunsets

DelicateFlower said:


> I work full-time as a medical AI programmer. In truth, I'm the breadwinner as of several years ago, grossing $30-$40K more than he does. BUT, I do work completely from home so rarely do I get out.
> 
> I have no interest in going to clubs or male reviews. I do agree that as a married woman that is completely unacceptable and should be left behind once the rings go on.
> 
> Last July my neighbor had a birthday dinner at a local restaurant and her mother planned it as an all-girls-dinner. Just a table of my neighbor's female family and other mothers/wives from our neighborhood. We had Mexican food, talked, laughed had a good time.
> My husband didn't overly 'like' the idea of me going but he didn't throw a total tantrum that I went. BUT he did express his trepidation with it by saying "this is how things start. Someone starts going out without the other and it starts out innocent but the more it happens the more likely one is going to cheat."
> 
> The stupid thing is, he knows how ridiculously loyal I am. I am not capable of being with more than one man at a time. The idea repulses me.
> His problem is, I am a very friendly, outgoing person and on more than one occasion it's been misconstrued as being flirty.
> 
> I fear you are right about us just being completely incompatible and I've just denied it for 2 ½ decades.


I second the comments that say this is an insecurity thing. To be honest, I'm super insecure in my attachments.. I think people are going to cheat on me or abandon me (working on it, but it's real!). My husband RARELY goes out, and when he does, I'm happy he goes out...but there is that little voice in my head that I sometimes vocalize (and later regret) that asks really stupid questions...like...why do you need to wear such a nice shirt to meet the guys? *Sigh*. It's embarrassing being this way...but it is TOTALLY an insecurity thing and fear of losing someone...and I'm certain it has the opposite effect.

Your husband needs to deal with this insecurity because it's not okay for you to never be able to see your friends or family. You haven't seen your sister in 8 years? Omg. That's not okay in my opinion. Put your foot down and let him deal with the emotions that will come. His insecurities really aren't your responsibility!


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## FalCod

I think that a healthy marriage and family should include time together as a family, time together as a couple, and time apart both alone and with friends. People with strong social networks are healthier, happier, and live longer. You can't have a strong social network if your spouse is the only person you are social with.

From our life:
My wife feels obligated to visit her family every few years. She doesn't get along with her mother and isn't close to her sister, but she still feels like she needs to go. My wife's a SAHM, so she doesn't have vacation time constraints like I do. Her family doesn't like to actually do anything, so I hate burning vacation time on these trips. Instead, she usually goes with just the kids.

I travel for work several times a year. We have a corporate office near my parent's house, so I see them once or twice a year while traveling on business.

We both have large and overlapping social groups. Most of my friends are work friends. Most of her friends are neighborhood friends or friends from volunteer work at the school or the maker space. Sometimes we attend social functions together and sometimes not. It depends on the function and our relative interests.

A lot of my work friends are women, so almost all of my social functions are co-ed. I can't think of the last "guys night out" I've done. I'll occasionally go on a hike or to a car show or something with another guy. 

My wife's school friends are virtually all married women. On occasion they do "girls nights out", but not often. They don't do clubs or bars or that sort of thing. They do things like cooking classes or painting classes or stuff like that. They tend to be light on the class and heavy on the wine. That makes my wife a popular guest because she doesn't drink, drives a van, and serves as the driver for the group. 

Her maker space group is predominantly male and they aren't the most social group. Aside from social outreach outings, most of their social activity is just get togethers at the maker space. She loves to cook, so she cooks for the officer meetings. 

We host a lot of social activities at our house - movie nights, game nights, foreign guests, dinners for coworkers, that sort of stuff. 

Our kids are old enough now that they generally socialize on their own. When they were younger, we'd get together with parents of the soccer team kids or things like that.

We've done a handful of vacation trips without each other. Before we had kids, she had a half-summer off from school and no job, so she went island hopping in a kayak with a group of our kayaking friends. I went to an electronics show in Vegas with a friend. We really love traveling together, so we don't do much traveling without each other aside from her family visits and my work visits.

The important thing from this list is what I stated at the top - you should spend time together as a family, time together as a couple, time together with friends, and time apart with friends. You'll be happier. If your spouse is the jealous type, you guys need to learn to get past that and trust each other. Marriage without trust sounds miserable.


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## sa58

As long as you are not out at the
clubs until 2am then just go!
If you are going someplace invite 
your husband, if he does not 
want to go the tell him ok.
Plan somethings for yourself 
and friends, even his family.
(Mother, sisters etc)
My wife does things with her family,
friends, coworkers all of the time.
Sometimes I am invited and go
sometimes I do not want to go.
Live your life and be happy.


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## Yeswecan

DelicateFlower said:


> Hello All,
> Some background:
> I grew up in Colorado. He grew up in North Jersey.
> Both had broken homes but the environments and family dynamics we grew up in are as different as Mars and Jupiter.
> I was raised by my dad mostly, never taught to fight, very passive, telling my sister to "shut up" could get me spanked.
> He grew up in a typical New York/North Jersey/Bronx home. Family fights were with fists, insulting each other was the norm, very little love, lots of yelling, anger - the works But family always stuck together.
> 
> Having such different views of life, family and marriage have been a big struggle for us over the 23 years we've been together. We've made a lot of progress, such as getting through his thick skull that insulting me, threatening me and his verbal/emotional abuse is NOT an acceptable way to treat someone you love. For example: for years when we got in an argument he would call me a fuggin idiot and to "shut the Fug up". When I would tell him to stop talking to me that way he would simply respond "what's the big deal, grow up it's just words, they don't mean anything". - It took years to get him to realize deep down, how wrong that way of thinking was.
> 
> The one thing we CAN'T find common ground on is spending time away from each other.
> Things like
> 
> a girls or boys night out
> taking separate trips to see family (if I wanted to go see my sister and he didn't)
> going on a cruise with my mom and sister (just the girls)
> going to a film festival when he doesn't etc
> are healthy things.
> The list is very swayed towards me because this is where we can't agree; he would never dream of going anywhere without me; he doesn't want to go anywhere without me and he believes, as a married couple, I shouldn't want to either.
> We don't have mutual friends, we don't have get-togethers with people; if we go on vacation or go out, he thinks we should always go together.
> 
> I haven't seen my little sister in 8 years. My husband doesn't get much time off from work (two weeks) and he wants to spend that time, together doing something we BOTH enjoy. Getting on a plane and spending time with family or sight-seeing a new city is not his idea of a good time.
> 
> But he says it's selfish of me that I should WANT to go fly out to and spend time w/o him (me having fun while he's home holding the down the fort - working, taking care of the house, pets etc).
> I should WANT to spend time without him or our son; getting married and having kids mean they are now the priority and where our focus and attention should always be.
> 
> What are your thoughts on this?
> 
> Are girls nights out or boys "poker" nights healthy? Taking trips w/o each other?



Time apart is healthy. When I mean time, a day or so. Your H, thinking doing all together is the way to run a marriage, on the surface looks just great. But, in reality, a day or so away from life with mom, GF, sisters and brothers is good. Seeing family alone is never selfish. It is normal IMO. 

My W does GNO. Dinner out or at one of her GF homes. I go to car shows on the weekends. Only one day of the weekend though. I do need to spend quality time with my W! 

Glad you got through to your H concerning the verbal abuse. No call for it. Even in jest.


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## ConanHub

DelicateFlower said:


> Hello All,
> Some background:
> I grew up in Colorado. He grew up in North Jersey.
> Both had broken homes but the environments and family dynamics we grew up in are as different as Mars and Jupiter.
> I was raised by my dad mostly, never taught to fight, very passive, telling my sister to "shut up" could get me spanked.
> He grew up in a typical New York/North Jersey/Bronx home. Family fights were with fists, insulting each other was the norm, very little love, lots of yelling, anger - the works But family always stuck together.
> 
> Having such different views of life, family and marriage have been a big struggle for us over the 23 years we've been together. We've made a lot of progress, such as getting through his thick skull that insulting me, threatening me and his verbal/emotional abuse is NOT an acceptable way to treat someone you love. For example: for years when we got in an argument he would call me a fuggin idiot and to "shut the Fug up". When I would tell him to stop talking to me that way he would simply respond "what's the big deal, grow up it's just words, they don't mean anything". - It took years to get him to realize deep down, how wrong that way of thinking was.
> 
> The one thing we CAN'T find common ground on is spending time away from each other.
> Things like
> 
> a girls or boys night out
> taking separate trips to see family (if I wanted to go see my sister and he didn't)
> going on a cruise with my mom and sister (just the girls)
> going to a film festival when he doesn't etc
> are healthy things.
> The list is very swayed towards me because this is where we can't agree; he would never dream of going anywhere without me; he doesn't want to go anywhere without me and he believes, as a married couple, I shouldn't want to either.
> We don't have mutual friends, we don't have get-togethers with people; if we go on vacation or go out, he thinks we should always go together.
> 
> I haven't seen my little sister in 8 years. My husband doesn't get much time off from work (two weeks) and he wants to spend that time, together doing something we BOTH enjoy. Getting on a plane and spending time with family or sight-seeing a new city is not his idea of a good time.
> 
> But he says it's selfish of me that I should WANT to go fly out to and spend time w/o him (me having fun while he's home holding the down the fort - working, taking care of the house, pets etc).
> I should WANT to spend time without him or our son; getting married and having kids mean they are now the priority and where our focus and attention should always be.
> 
> What are your thoughts on this?
> 
> Are girls nights out or boys "poker" nights healthy? Taking trips w/o each other?


Ok. Fantasies about you getting gang banged by teens and a big dog 🐶 and he doesn't want you to go anywhere or do anything without him......

Just tell him your taking the dog on vacation for a week or two....>


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## Edmund

DelicateFlower said:


> I am a very friendly, outgoing person and on more than one occasion it's been misconstrued as being flirty.


I think I could fall in love with your avatar :grin2:


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## Chaparral

EleGirl said:


> No one here is suggesting GNO that are for flirting etc. I made a point of that.
> 
> My sisters, female friends and I have always gone out on what could be called GNO because it was just 'the girls' and we went out. No once, never, have any of us done what you are suggesting here.
> 
> 
> 
> Why is it that is anyone suggests that women go out together, this is what some people assume is going on? Get real.


Because all the women I’ve known that has regularly gone to GNOs have divorced their husbands for another man. Except one woman. As a guy that clubbed a long time, I think a man is insane if he thinks guys aren’t going to hit on their wives while they are out drinking. Married women also take their rings off to fool single men that would not consider looking at a married man. Happened all the time. Groups of women can take care of each other.......or just the opposite!


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

I'd be more concerned if my wife _didn't _have GNOs out once in a while. 

I want my wife to be a healthy, well rounded individual. And I want her to some variety in her socialization... variety beyond just me that is. I'm a great guy and loads of fun to be with, but a life well lived for most people includes a variety of socialization. 

And since she's as true blue as a cloudless summer sky, I have no worries. She deserves both my understanding and support.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

As Mr.Married says, I agree, in a good marriage time to time each can go do things separate. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Fishing trips, family that lives far away, other. It's a good thing.


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## Yeswecan

Chaparral said:


> Because all the women I’ve known that has regularly gone to GNOs have divorced their husbands for another man. Except one woman. As a guy that clubbed a long time, I think a man is insane if he thinks guys aren’t going to hit on their wives while they are out drinking. Married women also take their rings off to fool single men that would not consider looking at a married man. Happened all the time. Groups of women can take care of each other.......or just the opposite!


I have not known any that had a GNO and left their H. I guess the reason being GNO did not include clubs. GNO for my W is with married women who go to dinner and end up at one of their homes for a few drinks and talking. 

When does a married couple stop the "clubbing"? If they like dancing...join a dance class.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Based on this and @DelicateFlower 's other thread, her hubby doesn't seem particularly supportive or emotionally connected. 

Although this is not uncommon, the logic center in my brain still can't process how someone who isn't open and supportive in the presence of his partner then decides his partner should never not be in his presence :scratchhead:


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## Steve1000

DelicateFlower said:


> sigh - on so many levels.


Yes, your husband is insecure, but the larger issue is that he thinks that entitles him to be controlling. There are many people who tend to be somewhat insecure at times, but they realize that it doesn't give them an excuse to be too controlling. Not wanting you to visit your sister only once a year for a few days definitely crosses the line.


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## Steve1000

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Although this is not uncommon, the logic center in my brain can't process how someone who isn't open and supportive in the presence of his partner then decides his partner should never not be in his presence :scratchhead:


Sounds like a Star Trek episode.


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## Taxman

I agree with some time apart, but this list is too encompassing. I have intense difficulty with GNO's as I was the intended victim of a GNO (My despicable SIL tried to get my wife set up at a cougar bar. Basically, my wife told me they were going to this bar, and after a little investigation, I asked my wife where she would be living afterward. She was blindsided by her sister, and it came out that since SIL did not like me, she wanted to get my wife to sleep with another man, thereby breaking us up, and giving her a wing-girl). She was not impressed when I busted her. I also have difficulty with girls only vacations. Just last year we were on a cruise and watched a group of obviously long married women, fooling around with single guys on the cruise. Watched one down the corridor from us bring a different guy to her room every other night. (We were watching after seeing her leave the cigar bar with one guy, come back a half hour later, and leave with another)

Family trips are generally ok, but there is way too much room for a marriage to falter on most of the others. Film festivals and other similar social events provide the means by which partnered people come into contact with one another, without the partner. It may be that I am in the divorce industry, however, tempting fate never seems to be a good thing. Remember, I make my living off other peoples' f*ck-ups.


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## Cromer

@As'laDain Once in a while in our younger days, my XWW and I would go out clubs for dancing. Since we mostly lived on or around bases, there was a lot of military. One of the things we'd do is try and guess which of the women were "Sea Widows", basically women who are married, the husband is deployed, they usually have no ring on, and sometimes actively on the hunt, other times just waiting to get hit on. Sometimes they are in groups, sometimes alone. It's fairly easy to tell. You'd see them flirting, sitting in guy's laps, kissing, etc. There were a couple of times we recognized someone. Once, a young lady came over in a panic and asked us not to say anything, that she was just having fun. Her husband was deployed for 6 months, no kids. We left before he returned, so I never saw him afterward.

One of the big things about infidelity is having the opportunity. I guess it's how much you are willing to trust, and how much you are willing to lose. I trusted and lost. That certainly has a way of shaping one's worldview.


----------



## WilliamM

I can give you some view of my marriage.

My wife would be hurt if I ever went out without her, to anything, or anywhere. It would cut like a knife. She never wants to go to Girl's Nights Out. She feels that doing things separately is tantamount to wanting to be divorced.

My wife wants my attention, to a degree most people can't even begin to understand, and couldn't possibly cope with.

I can tell you my wife has a psychiatrically diagnosed mental illness which accounts for this. Her psychiatrists have explained the symptoms to me, and I have read up on it extensively for 38 years now. But I can't possibly understand it, I suppose, because I is too igorunt and stupit. Oh well.

My wife constantly compliments me. I am on a pedestal, without doubt. 

She thrills to receive praise from me, so I give it to her nearly constantly. 

She gains tremendous satisfaction from serving me. It is to the point I am not allowed to do anything at home for myself. If I get myself a drink she gets upset because I have stolen an opportunity from her to get the satisfaction of serving me, and the praise I will also give her for that act of service.

This is all part of her syndrome. 

Any of this sound familiar?


----------



## StarFires

DelicateFlower said:


> The stupid thing is, he knows how ridiculously loyal I am. I am not capable of being with more than one man at a time. The idea repulses me.
> *His problem is, I am a very friendly, outgoing person and on more than one occasion it's been misconstrued as being flirty.*
> 
> I fear you are right about us just being completely incompatible and I've just denied it for 2 ½ decades.


First of all, I'm glad you do your own thing sometimes, instead of saying/thinking "My husband says I can't" kind of silliness. I want to strangle the women who say things like that or pour some sense into their lame brains.

I appreciate the struggles you and he have had over the years, but there's no way it would have taken me "years" to get him to stop talking to me the way your husband treated you. Walking out the door after the second or third time would have put a stop to it for sure. I get the different backgrounds and all that, but I'll not be convinced a person doesn't know not to treat others that way. It may have been his family's method of communication, but you can't tell me he also treated his friends, his teachers, his co-workers, his superiors, and so on in the same manner. So he knew not to do it. In addition to that, telling him to stop won't be ignored. If it took you "years" then he ignored you for years. I will not be ignored any more than I would ignore such requests from him. It's direspectful, and disrespect shouldn't be tolerated. Nevertheless, I'm glad you and he made it through and more power to you both.

Your statement that I placed in bold is disturbing because they are the words of abusers who try to control their victims (wife or girlfriend). Since you have had some success with making him understand there are certain things he's not to say to you, I urge you to add this one to the list, and don't let it be "years" to get your point across. It doesn't matter that you are friendly. Being friendly is not something he is to think he can control or complain out of you and make you acquiesce to. How silly does it sound to make you think you have to stop being friendly? Or that you can't be around other people without him standing guard? The subject of this discussion is of his controlling nature, and that, coupled with how he used to treat you (assuming he used to treat that way and doesn't still), really shows your husband as abusive because controlling is abusive, and he is surely controlling.

It appears he has some insecurities, and while I agree with his premise that there are certain things a spouse should not do and certain positions/circumstances a spouse shouldn't place him/herself in because they could lead to cheating or the appearance of impropriety, he's going to have to get his insecurities under control because controlling his wife is not the thing to do, and you shouldn't tolerate it. It is not up to him to dictate nor approve your wherabouts.

So, this isn't a matter of finding common ground on this particular issue. It's not something you and he have to agree on. You're both welcome to your views on the subject. It's a matter of him understanding and accepting you are your own person and not his property. If you want to go someplace without him, you don't need his permission or agreement.

Telling him how loyal you are, that you're incapable of being with more than one man at a time, and that the idea repulses you unfortunately are not enough to convince him. Making such disclaimers only play into his controlling nature and won't assuage his insecurities. It sounds like he needs to go to therapy. But I bet he will never agree to that.


----------



## SpinyNorman

Yeswecan said:


> I have not known any that had a GNO and left their H. I guess the reason being GNO did not include clubs. GNO for my W is with married women who go to dinner and end up at one of their homes for a few drinks and talking.
> 
> When does a married couple stop the "clubbing"? If they like dancing...join a dance class.


Why should a couple who likes clubbing stop it?


----------



## [email protected]

Steve1000 said:


> Yes, your husband is insecure, but the larger issue is that he thinks that entitles him to be controlling. There are many people who tend to be somewhat insecure at times, but they realize that it doesn't give them an excuse to be too controlling.


Yeah, and even in cases of couples who never spend time apart - when you work it out before marriage, nobody has the wrong expectations. 

OP acknowledges she's starting to realize 2.5 decades into the marriage that they have some incompatibilities. Golly, I am amazed one like this took so long to be a problem.


----------



## Yeswecan

SpinyNorman said:


> Why should a couple who likes clubbing stop it?


Oh I don't know...I really could not see my 70 year old parents in the clubs. But that is just me. Stranger yet, they could not see themselves in the clubs either. In fact, my W and I have no desire to go to clubs. We did at one time. Maybe it is just growing up.


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## She'sStillGotIt

DelicateFlower said:


> But he says it's selfish of me that I should WANT to go fly out to and spend time w/o him (me having fun while he's home holding the down the fort - working, taking care of the house, pets etc).


You mean he doesn't want to do what YOU do every day while earning $40,000 MORE a year than him.

It sounds more like he needs his mommy to stay home and take care of everyone and everything - including HIM. 

What kind of ass-clown claims that it's SELFISH of you to want to visit your own family? I honestly can't believe you've allowed this selfish fool to keep you from seeing your family for years. What the hell is wrong with this guy? Is he worried there won't be anyone to chew his damned food for him, cook his meals, clean his house, raise his children, do the food shopping, do the laundry AND out-earn him if you *dare* to visit your family for a week or two?

He sounds like a spoiled little child who needs his mommy 24/7.

Make the reservation to see your family and leave his pitiful ass home for a week. It's about damned TIME he actually grew up.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

DelicateFlower said:


> My husband didn't overly 'like' the idea of me going but he didn't throw a total tantrum that I went. BUT he did express his trepidation with it by saying "this is how things start. Someone starts going out without the other and it starts out innocent but the more it happens the more likely one is going to cheat."


Aren't you sick and tired of catering to this child? You've blown off visiting your family for HOW many years because sulky little Peter Pan says it's no fun - and you pander to him and don't go.

Why? What is so special about this paranoid, verbally abusive fool that you're willing to blow your family members off just to placate him and his never-ending paranoia? I honestly don't get it. It's like living with a damned jail warden who dictates every single thing you do - and there's ZERO payoff for it, because I have YET to read one good thing about this guy that would actually make me say, "ok..I _guess_ I can understand why she continually caters to this guy.' But I haven't. Not *one *single thing. 

I will say this - I flew to see my mom this past July due to her declining health. My husband would never DREAM of acting like an ass-hole and telling me how 'selfish' I am to go see my own mother. I would have throat-punched him if he did. Now I admit, I came back home to a fly infestation because he chose to leave the sliding glass door to the deck open all night without the screen in place, so I found a damned fly farm breeding in my house by the time I got home - which took days to fix, clean and recover from. He'd managed to survive those 10 days on all the leftovers he could find in the fridge, a frozen tray of lasagna I'd made for him, pizza, those Cup O'Soup Ramen Noodle thingies, cookies and Capn' Crunch Cereal. And as expected, the house really didn't look too much like the gleaming model home I'd left 10 days before.

But he somehow survived and lived to tell the story. 

And so will Mr. Selfish.


----------



## DelicateFlower

purplesunsets said:


> I second the comments that say this is an insecurity thing. To be honest, I'm super insecure in my attachments.. I think people are going to cheat on me or abandon me (working on it, but it's real!). My husband RARELY goes out, and when he does, I'm happy he goes out...but there is that little voice in my head that I sometimes vocalize (and later regret) that asks really stupid questions...like...why do you need to wear such a nice shirt to meet the guys? *Sigh*. It's embarrassing being this way...but it is TOTALLY an insecurity thing and fear of losing someone...and I'm certain it has the opposite effect.
> 
> Your husband needs to deal with this insecurity because it's not okay for you to never be able to see your friends or family. You haven't seen your sister in 8 years? Omg. That's not okay in my opinion. Put your foot down and let him deal with the emotions that will come. His insecurities really aren't your responsibility!


Your honesty is so refreshing. These are things he says all the time. The difference is you acknowledge your insecurities and these thoughts are born from that. He knows he has insecurities; has never admitted WHAT they are exactly, but doesn't admit what you have so bravely done here. 

I know his issues aren'y my responsibility, I just keep struggling with facing the chaos and conflict that will arise from doing it. I am my own worst enemy at times.


----------



## DelicateFlower

ConanHub said:


> Ok. Fantasies about you getting gang banged by teens and a big dog 🐶 and he doesn't want you to go anywhere or do anything without him......
> 
> Just tell him your taking the dog on vacation for a week or two....>


:rofl:

OMG Thank you for the best laugh of the day!!! That's a fantastic idea!!! >


----------



## DelicateFlower

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I'd be more concerned if my wife _didn't _have GNOs out once in a while.
> 
> I want my wife to be a healthy, well rounded individual. And I want her to some variety in her socialization... variety beyond just me that is. I'm a great guy and loads of fun to be with, but a life well lived for most people includes a variety of socialization.
> 
> And since she's as true blue as a cloudless summer sky, I have no worries. She deserves both my understanding and support.


It must be a Colorado thing. Perhaps it's in the air we breathe that makes us such well rounded people.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

DelicateFlower said:


> It must be a Colorado thing. Perhaps it's in the air we breathe that makes us such well rounded people.


I agree... right up to the point I pedal my mountain bike through a cloud of burning weed!


----------



## DelicateFlower

WilliamM said:


> I can give you some view of my marriage.
> 
> My wife would be hurt if I ever went out without her, to anything, or anywhere. It would cut like a knife. She never wants to go to Girl's Nights Out. She feels that doing things separately is tantamount to wanting to be divorced.
> 
> My wife wants my attention, to a degree most people can't even begin to understand, and couldn't possibly cope with.
> 
> I can tell you my wife has a psychiatrically diagnosed mental illness which accounts for this. Her psychiatrists have explained the symptoms to me, and I have read up on it extensively for 38 years now. But I can't possibly understand it, I suppose, because I is too igorunt and stupit. Oh well.
> 
> My wife constantly compliments me. I am on a pedestal, without doubt.
> 
> She thrills to receive praise from me, so I give it to her nearly constantly.
> 
> She gains tremendous satisfaction from serving me. It is to the point I am not allowed to do anything at home for myself. If I get myself a drink she gets upset because I have stolen an opportunity from her to get the satisfaction of serving me, and the praise I will also give her for that act of service.
> 
> This is all part of her syndrome.
> 
> Any of this sound familiar?


She sounds like my husbands female clone, if that could ever be possible. 
Except to the "do anything for me" bit. He loves doing things for me but he's a creature of convenience and ANYTHING he doesn't know how to do, is afraid of trying or looking like a failure at, or simply doesn't WANT to do, he leaves to me. 

The list of things we do for our marriage:

HIM:
Laundry, dishes, clean bathrooms, make coffee, work. 

ME:
Work, everything else (not kidding; finances, shopping, cooking, handyman work around the house, car care, doctors appointment, everything for his dad that legally I'm not allowed to do since I don't have POA....) you get the point. 

He screws up making a PB&J and I hear "(DC) can you make these? I just keep screwing them up". 

So how do you cope? What do you do? And if you can find out the condition she has I'd love to know. It sounds exactly like hubby.


----------



## DelicateFlower

StarFires said:


> First of all, I'm glad you do your own thing sometimes, instead of saying/thinking "My husband says I can't" kind of silliness. I want to strangle the women who say things like that or pour some sense into their lame brains.
> 
> I appreciate the struggles you and he have had over the years, but there's no way it would have taken me "years" to get him to stop talking to me the way your husband treated you. Walking out the door after the second or third time would have put a stop to it for sure. I get the different backgrounds and all that, but I'll not be convinced a person doesn't know not to treat others that way. It may have been his family's method of communication, but you can't tell me he also treated his friends, his teachers, his co-workers, his superiors, and so on in the same manner. So he knew not to do it. In addition to that, telling him to stop won't be ignored. If it took you "years" then he ignored you for years. I will not be ignored any more than I would ignore such requests from him. It's direspectful, and disrespect shouldn't be tolerated. Nevertheless, I'm glad you and he made it through and more power to you both.
> 
> Your statement that I placed in bold is disturbing because they are the words of abusers who try to control their victims (wife or girlfriend). Since you have had some success with making him understand there are certain things he's not to say to you, I urge you to add this one to the list, and don't let it be "years" to get your point across. It doesn't matter that you are friendly. Being friendly is not something he is to think he can control or complain out of you and make you acquiesce to. How silly does it sound to make you think you have to stop being friendly? Or that you can't be around other people without him standing guard? The subject of this discussion is of his controlling nature, and that, coupled with how he used to treat you (assuming he used to treat that way and doesn't still), really shows your husband as abusive because controlling is abusive, and he is surely controlling.
> 
> It appears he has some insecurities, and while I agree with his premise that there are certain things a spouse should not do and certain positions/circumstances a spouse shouldn't place him/herself in because they could lead to cheating or the appearance of impropriety, he's going to have to get his insecurities under control because controlling his wife is not the thing to do, and you shouldn't tolerate it. It is not up to him to dictate nor approve your wherabouts.
> 
> So, this isn't a matter of finding common ground on this particular issue. It's not something you and he have to agree on. You're both welcome to your views on the subject. It's a matter of him understanding and accepting you are your own person and not his property. If you want to go someplace without him, you don't need his permission or agreement.
> 
> Telling him how loyal you are, that you're incapable of being with more than one man at a time, and that the idea repulses you unfortunately are not enough to convince him. Making such disclaimers only play into his controlling nature and won't assuage his insecurities. It sounds like he needs to go to therapy. But I bet he will never agree to that.


Your honesty and candid response is so greatly appreciated and true. The words are empowering and you actually gave me words to say to him to get my point across. 

:x


----------



## SpinyNorman

Yeswecan said:


> Oh I don't know...I really could not see my 70 year old parents in the clubs. But that is just me. Stranger yet, they could not see themselves in the clubs either. In fact, my W and I have no desire to go to clubs. We did at one time. Maybe it is just growing up.


If you have no desire, don't go, no matter your age or marital status.

Giving up good harmless fun isn't growing up, it's dying.


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## WilliamM

DelicateFlower said:


> She sounds like my husbands female clone, if that could ever be possible.
> <snip>
> He screws up making a PB&J and I hear "(DC) can you make these? I just keep screwing them up".
> 
> So how do you cope? What do you do? And if you can find out the condition she has I'd love to know. It sounds exactly like hubby.


She was diagnosed by her psychiatrists in 1984. She gave them permission to inform me of her diagnoses in 1985.

She has a mental illness not related to these issues. She has childhood traumas which are the cause of that illness. Those trauma may or may not be related to her other issues.

She has been diagnosed by several psychiatrists over the 8 years she spent in psychotherapy, but spent most of that time with one shrink. He hypnotized her, which was the only thing that worked for her.

I also worked with that psychiatrist because I respected him. As it happens I cannot be hypnotized, but I think he knew his stuff, and he knew how to work with my wife, and he understood her, and our, issues.

Because of my wife's mental illness our coping mechanisms are extreme, and they do happen to lend themselves to satisfying some of her other needs as well. With the help of her shrink we did manage to channel her energies into needs we all feel are more appropriate, but still we do recognize they are extreme in the eyes of most people.

My wife is broken. There is no hope of "fixing" her. I accept that she cannot be made into a person who functions like normal people think other people should function. Oh well. I can handle it. 

I strongly recommend you ask @FeministInPink about your husband.

Personally at this point I think this board is quite negative about my wife, so we don't feel at liberty to discuss her very openly any more. She is what she is. It is not a choice. I think this is something people simply do not understand at all. People are very negative about it, and she feels shunned by this crowd.


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## purplesunsets

DelicateFlower said:


> Your honesty is so refreshing. These are things he says all the time. The difference is you acknowledge your insecurities and these thoughts are born from that. He knows he has insecurities; has never admitted WHAT they are exactly, but doesn't admit what you have so bravely done here.
> 
> I know his issues aren'y my responsibility, I just keep struggling with facing the chaos and conflict that will arise from doing it. I am my own worst enemy at times.


I don't want to make sweeping generalizations, but most men are raised without any "emotional language" to discuss their deepest fears/feelings etc. It could be that he can't verbalize it in a way that feels safe and non-threatening. It's especially hard for men to admit anything that seems like a "weakness", and insecurities can certainly feel like a weakness.

Personally, I feel better when my husband tells me in advance what he's doing and with whom and when he'll be home etc...haha. It makes me feel better because I know what to expect. You could try doing that and if he pushes back, just stand your ground! It might take many months forming a new boundary...he'll push back a lot...but eventually both of you will be happier with your new boundaries that respect BOTH of you and not just him. You need to have a social life without feeling like you are doing something wrong all the time.


----------



## Mr.Married

She'sStillGotIt said:


> telling me how 'selfish' I am to go see my own mother. I would have throat-punched him if he did. .


I love that part !!!


----------



## Yeswecan

SpinyNorman said:


> If you have no desire, don't go, no matter your age or marital status.
> 
> Giving up good harmless fun isn't growing up, it's dying.


For some the type of good harmless fun may not my good type of harmless fun for other. Giving up one piece of harmless fun is not dying by any stretch of the imagination.


----------



## SpinyNorman

Yeswecan said:


> For some the type of good harmless fun may not my good type of harmless fun for other.


It seems like you never processed the qualifier "a couple who likes clubbing..."


> Giving up one piece of harmless fun is not dying by any stretch of the imagination.


By dying I mean the process of giving up stuff here on earth. You give up all of it when you're dead, but you can give up a lot of it between now and then if you make other peoples' priorities your own.


----------



## Taxman

My wife had a former girlfriend, H. H was freshly divorced when she met my wife. They got close, too close for my liking. One fine day, my wife comes home with a suggestion from H. Their company closed down around the March break. I am an accountant and cannot travel from Mid-Feb to the end of April. H wanted to take a cruise with my wife. I was terribly uneasy with this, and every alarm bell in my head went off. Then I remembered that I had hired H's ex to do some computer work in my office. I called him the next day, and asked him about his ex. What I heard, was quite enough. She had pulled this during their marriage. She went on several cruises with girlfriends during that time of year. The last time, the GF she went with could not handle the guilt, and told her husband that her and H slept with a few guys each on the cruise, H was setting her up with guys. The GF and her husband were divorcing. She was devastated. She blamed the breakup of her marriage on H and her idiotic behavior. The GF gave H's husband a full lowdown, pictures, and surprisingly the passcode to H's phone which yielded guy after guy, picture after picture. He told me that he copied her phone to his emulator (this guy is a tech genius), had it hard copied, and sent it to each of the guy's wives, and H's parents and friends. Then he divorced her. He was brilliant in that as well as he shielded his assets, and she got almost nothing in the divorce, which she did not like, but had to live with.

After I got off the phone. I sat my wife down and asked her if she wanted to be married to me. She got all upset, and asked why I would ask that. I replayed the story that H's ex had told me. She did not believe a word of it, so, I called him back. I asked for the package he had sent. It was on my home fax in short order. I had never wanted to see his bit(h ex naked, there were picture after picture. **** pics galore. Masturbation pics and texts, hundreds to and from different guys. It explained why she did not talk to her parents. It explained how she lost a few GF's by going after their husbands. This was a bad girl who had not matured beyond highschool. It also showed my wife that her friend was toxic. Basically, my wife started looking for another job to get away from H. It took a few years but she got the message and will never darken our door again.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

DelicateFlower said:


> Having such different views of life, family and marriage have been a big struggle for us over the 23 years we've been together. We've made a lot of progress, such as getting through his thick skull that insulting me, threatening me and his verbal/emotional abuse is NOT an acceptable way to treat someone you love. For example: for years when we got in an argument he would call me a fuggin idiot and to "shut the Fug up". When I would tell him to stop talking to me that way he would simply respond "what's the big deal, grow up it's just words, they don't mean anything". - It took years to get him to realize deep down, how wrong that way of thinking was.
> 
> The one thing we CAN'T find common ground on is spending time away from each other.
> Things like
> 
> a girls or boys night out
> taking separate trips to see family (if I wanted to go see my sister and he didn't)
> going on a cruise with my mom and sister (just the girls)
> going to a film festival when he doesn't etc
> are healthy things.


I think the real problem here is your husband is abusive !.... Why in the world would you want to spend ALL your time with him?!! 

I don't necessarily agree with all the posters who feel if a wife doesn't do GNO's or the husband doesn't hang with the boys on a regular basis that there is something wrong with them, that they are not balanced, suffer from insecurity & all that....that's a broad-brush slap of lowly judgement on other couples..... some married couples just "really enjoy" being together when they do stuff.. some of us work long hours.. we don't have that much time.. so when we do.. we like being with our significant other above all else... I married a man like this... love him for it!! Would never want to change him...and I am geared this way as well. (there are many areas of compatibility & incompatibility- this is one of those)

In your situation...the 2 of you see it very different...though again.. he is abusive!!!... if he was a good man who treated you with respect & care, who knows you may not feel this strongly with that *need* to get out away from him- which makes all the sense in the world ! 

When a couple enjoys doing most things together.. this doesn't mean they don't have friends... we all need friends, yes this is healthy...(I personally am not close with family members other than our children, so friends have been vital in my life)....... With us, from the time we met.. we had similar friends.. they meshed very well... so most of the time....we'd get together in groups...all of us.. and of course there were times I got out with the girls.. and he did things with his brother, or was invited somewhere with a guy friend...when something came up.. but it was never some "drive" to get out with others ... we've just never felt ... 

Had his blessing when going to see the Chippendales with girlfriends...all for it... he suspected just what I would think too.. and he was right on... ...We were invited to a strip club in the past.. we both went ... He wanted me to go, said he wouldn't go without me. Kinda a strange thing to say I appreciated .. but yeah.. I really did-- that he IS geared this way.


----------



## jim44444

@DelicateFlower, I apologize for this late reply but after having read your other thread and this one I am inclined to believe your H is a bully. He is attempting to control all aspects of your life including time with your family, isolating you from others so that you are dependent on him for social interaction. He has attempted to breaknown your boundaries with sexual fantasies he knows are repugnant to you. 

I cannot see how anything is going to change in the future. He has spent his life being indifferent to the needs of his partners including you. You cannot change him one bit, you can only change yourself and your view of this relationship.


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## cc48kel

I think time away is very healthy.. Just got back from Vegas with my mom and sister.. When I got back, I felt more refreshed and I believe spouse missed me. It was a breather and I need to do this more for myself! I always encourage spouse to do something as well but he never does. He does get out with friends a few times a year. I believe it is hurtful when one is constantly getting out for fun and the other one is sitting at home.


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## aine

I think people will definitely have different views as there are upsides and downsides.
I think it is healthy that people have activities independent of the marriage but then the couple come together and do things to. It become unhealthy when:

1. the couple are always together and do not spend time apart developing themselves, their own hobbies, friendships,etc.
2. The couple are too independent and spend more time apart than together. I and my H fall into the latter category. It seems to bother me more than him, unless when I am not available then he can get annoyed. He works long hours and travels a lot. I like the freedom of being able to do what I want but I can see the dangers for both of us. I have never cheated but I cannot say the same for him. 

Seeing your family, shouldn't be such an issue. I went to see my family for a few months less than a year ago. Your H sounds a bit controlling.


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## BluesPower

@DelicateFlower...

I disagree with everyone that says it is OK to spend time alone. Everyone. 

Now a lunch date with all the girls, Maybe that is OK. GNO's, look we all know what is going on with that type of deal. And I am not saying that some of them are not innocent. Because some of them can be. 

But I am her to tell you that they are not at all "all innocent". As proof, I have been the willing recipient of some of those GNO's with more than one women whose husband was, traveling, working too much, or not taking care of business in the bedroom. I have even had women from the same group, at the same bar, on different nights. THEY WANTED TO GET LAID. And a little booze and encouragement from their friends, was all they needed to get their brains F***** out and return to their husband sated and happy. 

Before everyone bangs on me, yes I know it was wrong, I was in a dark place at that time, but it was still wrong...

With very few exceptions, you should not go very many places without your husband. If he refuses, tell him if he does not go with you, you will bang the first guy that you see...


----------



## FrenchFry

BluesPower said:


> @DelicateFlower...
> 
> With very few exceptions, you should not go very many places without your husband. If he refuses, tell him if he does not go with you, you will bang the first guy that you see...


If that is not true for that person, why in the hell should they tell their husband that? What purpose does that serve besides manipulation?


----------



## BluesPower

FrenchFry said:


> If that is not true for that person, why in the hell should they tell their husband that? What purpose does that serve besides manipulation?


It wakes him up so he will stop being a D***.


----------



## As'laDain

Taxman said:


> My wife had a former girlfriend, H. H was freshly divorced when she met my wife. They got close, too close for my liking. One fine day, my wife comes home with a suggestion from H. Their company closed down around the March break. I am an accountant and cannot travel from Mid-Feb to the end of April. H wanted to take a cruise with my wife. I was terribly uneasy with this, and every alarm bell in my head went off. Then I remembered that I had hired H's ex to do some computer work in my office. I called him the next day, and asked him about his ex. What I heard, was quite enough. She had pulled this during their marriage. She went on several cruises with girlfriends during that time of year. The last time, the GF she went with could not handle the guilt, and told her husband that her and H slept with a few guys each on the cruise, H was setting her up with guys. The GF and her husband were divorcing. She was devastated. She blamed the breakup of her marriage on H and her idiotic behavior. The GF gave H's husband a full lowdown, pictures, and surprisingly the passcode to H's phone which yielded guy after guy, picture after picture. He told me that he copied her phone to his emulator (this guy is a tech genius), had it hard copied, and sent it to each of the guy's wives, and H's parents and friends. Then he divorced her. He was brilliant in that as well as he shielded his assets, and she got almost nothing in the divorce, which she did not like, but had to live with.
> 
> After I got off the phone. I sat my wife down and asked her if she wanted to be married to me. She got all upset, and asked why I would ask that. I replayed the story that H's ex had told me. She did not believe a word of it, so, I called him back. I asked for the package he had sent. It was on my home fax in short order. I had never wanted to see his bit(h ex naked, there were picture after picture. **** pics galore. Masturbation pics and texts, hundreds to and from different guys. It explained why she did not talk to her parents. It explained how she lost a few GF's by going after their husbands. This was a bad girl who had not matured beyond highschool. It also showed my wife that her friend was toxic. Basically, my wife started looking for another job to get away from H. It took a few years but she got the message and will never darken our door again.


if you ever write a book, let us know. 

i would read it.


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## As'laDain

BluesPower said:


> @DelicateFlower...
> With very few exceptions, you should not go very many places without your husband. If he refuses, tell him if he does not go with you, you will bang the first guy that you see...


eek. that might not go over so well... 

if my wife told me this, i would probably tell her to not let the door hit her backside on her way out.


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## BluesPower

As'laDain said:


> eek. that might not go over so well...
> 
> if my wife told me this, i would probably tell her to not let the door hit her backside on her way out.


I suspect that you would not be a bump on the log when your wife wanted you to do somewhere. But if you were, maybe she would take the door. 

It is wrong to not accompany your spouse when they want you there and *****ing because you don't want them traveling with out you.


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## As'laDain

BluesPower said:


> I suspect that you would not be a bump on the log when your wife wanted you to do somewhere. But if you were, maybe she would take the door.
> 
> It is wrong to not accompany your spouse when they want you there and *****ing because you don't want them traveling with out you.


you know, when i get home from deployment every year, for a few weeks, i dont want to go anywhere. at all. i want to get used to being HOME again. my wife, on the other hand, wants to go do all of the things she wasnt able to do with me while i was gone. so, yeah, i have been there. 

if my wife told me that she was going to bang the first guy she sees if i did not go somewhere with her, i would quickly decide to opt for divorce. 

"im going to go cheat on you in order to get back at you for not giving me my way". 

yep. sounds pretty disrespectful to me.


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