# How to prepare for separation/divorce with hostile spouse



## levono110 (Nov 18, 2017)

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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You just simply need to take responsibility to undo your mistakes. You picked a man that is in now way, shape or form husband or father material and you get naked and conceived offspring with him - twice. 

Maintain your job at all costs. Keep squirreling away money. Keep working with your attorney to get a divorce plan and a post-divorce plan in place and then be prepared for the fallout. 

There is no simple and easy fix here. There is not a magic phrase or any kind of magical pixie dust that will transform him into a decent husband and father. 

All you can do is keep plugging away and keep building up your resources and keep planning your exit strategy until you have things in place enough that you file the papers and have him served. Hopefully you have everything in place enough that he can not actually cause any real damage.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The one specific piece of advice I would give you is to obtain some voice-activated-recorders (VARs) and some Nanny Cams and always secretly have a VAR on you at all times and have the Nanny Cams in the kids rooms or any place he interacts with the kids when you aren't around. 

Then you record him making these threats and saying things that show he does not like having the kids around and that he does not want them. 

When the time comes to determine child care and custody, that can be powerful ammunition that he is not fit for 50/50 custody. 

If the Nanny Cams catch him outright abusing the kids, then you have even more ammo. 

Then once you are a free of him, either dedicate your life to raising your kids on your own without dating or becoming involved with any more men. 

Or if you are insistent on having another man in your life someday, do not date or associate with any men until you have had some serious individual counseling and therapy and have fixed your 'picker' and won't settle for someone who has such a negative regard for children and family life and such poor family skills.


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## levono110 (Nov 18, 2017)

deleted.


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

A couple things. When you need to start corresponding with your lawyer, you may want to have a PO box set up to receive mail where he can't tamper with it. I'd also set up your own bank account that he can't touch. 

I second the nanny cam/VAR idea to try to record his interactions with the kids (make sure there will be no beeps or lights on the VAR. I think there's a setting.)

You could also make photocopies of important financial documents in case he tries to make it difficult for you to get them during a divorce. 

He sounds really angry. I'd be careful. Sorry you find yourself here.


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## levono110 (Nov 18, 2017)

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are links to two safety/exit plan info sites.....

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf
Safety Planning ? Domestic Violence Resource Center

Below is a safety exist plan that I put together. You can look through all this and take what makes sense for you and make your own plan.....

Call 911 and they will help you get away.
* The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*
If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

*Get a support system: *



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Check on sites like Amazon for books about divorce in your state. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 
If you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to www.meetup.com Search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.



*Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. *



If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:


your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

*Financial Plan*


Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.


*Your safety Plan: *

You need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand. 



Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.


*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship*


 *If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home: *


Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 


Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 


Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 


 *If you leave the family home: *


Do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights. You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

 
Here are some ways you can find out things about your finances and some about how you can start saving money in your own name. I’m not putting them on the open forum because I don’t want to tip off people who are abusers.

Some of this might sound crazy. But you are completely in the dark and these are ways that people I know, even I, got the info we needed so that our spouse could not rip us off in a divorce.

Check his wallet and get photographs of any cards and other info that he has in there to include his driver’s license. Make sure to save them somewhere that he cannot get to, like on the cloud.

If he has a brief case do the same thing to it. Do you have a scanner at home? If not get one. I have a small portable that’s easy to use. That’s all you need. Just scan everything in his briefcase into pdf or jpgs. And again keep that info in a cloud account.

If you do use a cloud account, make sure that it does not create an account on your PC that he could see. There is a way to prevent that.

Does he have a home office or a place at home where he works sometimes? If so search it (often). Check the trash.. (I found out all kinds of stuff about my husband by searching his trash. Like I found letters from his affair partner. That’s how I found out about one of his affairs. I also found receipts and statements showing that he was moving money that I earned into accounts and investments in his and his mother’s name. 

Another thing that you might want to try is to go through the trash from his business if you can get to it. Just snatch the bags of trash out of the trash bin into your car, take them some place where he will not see you go through it and search. I kid you not, you can find stuff.

Get a key to his car. Make one if you need to. Then search it often. Search every cranny. Again I found all kinds of info that way. My then husband was hiding papers in the well where the spare tire and tools go. When he traveled, I drove to the airport, found his car in long-term parking and searched it. He was using his car to hide things while he traveled.

Get online and order his credit report. It could lead to all kinds of info on accounts he has.

Search the court records for any law suits. If he has a business, it might have been sued and he might have had to disclose financial info. Here where I live there is a website for the state of New Mexico where we can search on a person’s name to find all court cases of any kind… to include if they were sued, arrested and charged, divorced, etc. I’m sure that New York has something similar.
Make sure that you take an inventory of everything of value in your home. Take photos of everything. And do a walking inventory through the house. That way he cannot hide or dispose of things of value during a divorce.
=========================================
Now about money

Then open bank accounts in your name only. Use an address other than your home address. Also do electronic statements, etc. so that there is no paperwork for him to find. You can open a bank account with as little as $25.

If at all possible, every time you go to a store, get out cash. Even if it’s $10. I know a woman who did this. She’d get out between $40 and $60 with every purchase. It added up… to thousands over a few year period. Make sure that you throw away the receipts before you get home or keep them where he cannot find them. Do not put them in your home trash.

Go through your house and sell anything that you can. Just tell him that you are wanting to simplify your life and declutter. List things on craigslist and sell it. Put the money in your bank account.

Here is a link to a thread about evidence gathering.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You mention things that sound like verbal/emotional abuse; but not physical abuse. So my above post might be a bit over the top for your situation. But that post as a lot of into that might help you create an exit plan and prepare for what might happen..


And I agree with you getting voice activated recorders and nanny cams hidden in the house. Something is off.

When my son was about 5 he begged me to not leave him alone with his father. When I asked him why, he said something like "when you are not here dad treats me like he treats you." I never left him alone with his dad again. During the divorce I insisted on a custody evaluation. The custody evaluators recommended that my ex get less than 50% time and that he had to got to counseling before he could get more time. After 2 years of weekly counseling, my ex got 1 more day every other week. They felt that he was too volatile to get 50% even after 2 years of counseling.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

levono110 said:


> If the recordings catch him saying curse words in regards to me and my parents- which he has done, is that enough for him to not get 50 50 custody? I live in a state where 50 50 is default. In general he neglects the kids when it doesn't suit him but I don't think he is typically verbally abusive to them. I think he yells a lot when he becomes frustrated.


No, your husband speaking badly of you an your family and his cursing is not enough for him to get less than 50/50. But with the way you describe how your son is reacting, there is something more going on.. when you are not around. 

You have no idea what he is saying and/or doing with the children when you are not there. The VARs and nanny cams are the only way you can find out. And if you use them, do not tell him about it if and when you get some negative evidence. You would need to make sure you store the audio/video files where he cannot get them. And then you talk to your lawyer about them. Give copies to your lawyer.

You are going to have to ask the court, through your lawyer, to order a custody evaluation. When I did that, the judge told each of us to provide the names of 2 or 3 evaluators and then the judge would pick who would do it. One of the places I submitted was called "Fathers and Family". They were custody evaluators who advocate for men. I decided that I wanted a neutral party and not one who would favor me just because I was the mom. I was pretty sure that any good evaluator could see through my husband's bs, his lying, manipulation, anger and even violence. And I was right. 

The judge picked my choice "Fathers and Family". My lawyer told me that they were so surprised that I advocated for a group that advocated for men and that is what drove the judge's choice. 

And "Father's and Family" advocated against my husband in the child custody case... like I said, his problems were pretty clear.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Document everything, even if it's retroactive, about the things he has done or failed to do. Keep your journal locked somewhere safe, preferably not in the house. This is your testament to his mistreatment, which you will need to gain the confidence to leave and also protect yourself in court if necessary.

Establishing a pattern of behavior will certainly help.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

OP-

EleGirl has given you about 10k worth of legal advice on top of directing you to various resources to keep you safe that even your attorney might not direct you to.

Another tip- and this might really , really be hard.

Do not let your husband goad you in any way shape or form into YOU losing your temper or composure.

If you are thinking about VARs and NannyCams , he may be one step ahead of you.

Do not be surprised if he calls the cops on YOU. Verbal abuse, physical abuse or child abuse.

If you can- just get out now- do not underestimate the lengths spouses will go to when they realize you are on to them and standing up for yourself or even entertaining the idea that you want out or are done being used.

Never take anything for granted.

EleGirl should be commended for her excellent and caring post . 
It should be a sticky.


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## levono110 (Nov 18, 2017)

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