# Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.



## jdrop01

Been searching and searching for answers and I need help bad. I've been married for 5 yrs and on Saturday my wife woke up and told me that she no longer what's to be married and is no longer in love with me.

This totally shocked me as I thought everything was fine and I even had a romantic resort date planned for that day and weekend. I asked the usually questions of to why are you not in love and she related our marriage to her parents getting divorced last year. She said her whole belief in marriage was on her parents because they were married for 25yrs until last year. She said if they couldn't work it out then why do you think we can. I broke down and didn't know what to say but tell her that we write our own path of history and it has nothing to do with her parents.

She insisted that her whole belief in marriage was on them and ever since they got divorced she started to question our marriage. Recently my wife has been dealing with a lot like her grandfather on his dying bed and her cousin dying also. I understood all the events happening and gave all the support I could without being annoying. My wife would not open up about the problems she was having. As the week went on we started to do things as normal going out, spending quality time together at the house and having sexual intercourse. 

Then this past Saturday she dropped that on me. She said there is to much going on in her life and that her soul belief on marriage with her parents is no longer there since they got divorced. She says she stills loves me and wants me in her life and she even offered to stay just to not see me be hurt this bad. She said she would be devastated if I was with someone else but I let her know the only person I want is her.

She asked for space and went off to her friends. I have not heard from her since but a text saying I just need you to give me space and I am sorry but I have no answers for you.

I do not know what to do. I am a mess, I have not eaten in 2 days and barely slept. It is killing me not to be able to talk to her or see her. I want to fix this even if professional help is needed. Do I do nothing and wait for her to think things out and contact me? Any advice or help I would appreciate it.


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## This is me

I'll be he first to ask the obvious. Could there be someone else? Your answer will likely be no, but with a little investigation, you may discover another helped her detach emotionally from you.

Hang in there. You will get alot of advice from this site.


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## This is me

Be as strong as you can if you want to save this. Look into the 180 and understand it is important for you to not look like a bumbling needy one during this time. It is very unattractive and only hurts your situation.


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## keko

Check her emails/texts/facebook messages.

This line comes almost each and every time there is someone else in the picture.


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## jdrop01

I asked and did investigation. There is no one else, I've talked to her parents and figured out that when family accidents or incidents happen she takes them personal and just puts them in a backpack and throws it on her back. Her mom told me she then usually explodes and lashes out on the closest person which was me this time. 

My wife even said to me that there is no one else and that she would never hurt me in that way because she knows I would never do that to her. She kept focusing on her parents divorce and all her family deaths. Said it was to much and she can't work at the marriage anymore. 

It just blows my mind because not but 3 days ago she was telling me how she never wants to lose me and be together forever. We even would have sexual intercourse because she wanted it. I am at total lost everything was fine last week we booked the resort together and then the day it was time to go to the resort she left me.


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## jdrop01

I have checked her text and facebook and email nothing. All her text just say hope your doing ok with your family from people she works with. My wife is a very isolated person from the day I met her. She does not open up nor get over life crisis very easily. She still dwells on her friend dying almost 9yrs ago. Her mom tells me I just have to wait it out and that she will come around as long as I do not put pressure or blow her up on the phone.

I've been doing really well with not using the phone but inside it is killing me. But, I know if I keep throwing text or calls that all it is going to do is push her away even more. I just want to fix this marriage and I am 100% dedicated in doing so. I am hoping this community will shed light on me and help me through my pain.


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## PBear

If your wife does come back, you may want to encourage her to learn some new coping with stress tools, because the ones she got going on now seem to cause some problems. In fact, if her mom is on good terms with her, she might suggest it now already.

If you do the 180, keep in mind that it's purpose is to get you ready to move on, with or without your wife. It's NOT intended to change your wife's mind about being with you. 

C


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## keko

Keep monitoring her to see if anything out of the ordinary comes up.

Don't contact her until she contact's you. Even then be cold to her and try not show your emotions. If she is sound in her conversations, ask her to apoligize to you for leaving her family.


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## jdrop01

Doing good on the no contact when I feel like calling her I call my sister or brother and vent to them makes it a lot easier than just thinking about it. I just hope I haven't lost my wife it makes no sense. I don't understand why she would offer to stay just not to see me hurt. Then say it would kill her to see me with someone else.


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## hookares

No children? Contact an attorney and institute divorce proceedings. 
Have children? Contact an attorney and institute divorce proceedings.
You are fortunate to find this out after being married only five years.
As far as her having to deal with grief goes, EVERYBODY eventually has to handle grief. She's obviously too focused on herself to even consider your feelings and that "love but not in love" is standard fare for women who cheat on their stupid husbands and usually while they are out in the world busting their hump providing for them.


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## jdrop01

Wife hasn't tried to contact me at all today or even come home. Do I just wait it out? I'm just hoping things turn around for the better.


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## keko

Where is she sleeping since being gone?

If she is with her parents/family I'd give it a bit more time. If friends, I would have her cheked out just to make sure she isn't with someone else.


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## unbelievable

I'd be shocked and amazed if there wasn't another guy in this equation.


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## Complexity

This worst mistake would be for you to keep pestering her. If she wants space give it, she isn't going anywhere and she isn't cheating so just give her time. Pre occupy yourself with other things in the mean time.


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## jdrop01

Her mom talked me and gave me the low down. Basically she felt like I was a little controlling like smoking cigarette's and how much she drank or at least only liquor because she became mean. Said that her grandfather being on his dying bed is playing a lot on her mind with her cousin also dying. She was really close to her grandfather and I seen how much it hurt her. She let me know that I just need to give her time to figure things out. She still blames her parents divorce on not believing in marriage and can't see why ours would work if her parents could not do it after 25yrs.

Her mother said it seems that when they divorced it broke her daughter's believe/faith in marriage and see's no point. When they did get divorced last year she drastically changed being cold, holding back, no affection, was just off on her own.... I stood by her side and tried to get her to open up. She tried to leave me at that moment in her life also and blamed the divorce. But, instead I talked her into trying to make our own history. I just think with all this stuffing happening to her in the past year it weighed on her to much. She doesn't know how to deal with it besides drinking it away she never talks to anyone. Her mother or father couldn't get her to open up about it.

I think I am just in boat where I have to sit back and wait. Yes, it tearing me up inside. We're suppose to meet tomorrow and talk does anyone have any advice on what I should say to try to convince her that we can make this work?


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## ShawnD

jdrop01 said:


> Wife hasn't tried to contact me at all today or even come home. Do I just wait it out? I'm just hoping things turn around for the better.


You need to remember what being an alpha male is all about. Love the people who want to be part of your life, and the rest can go die in a fire. Don't call her, don't pester her, don't try to influence her friends or family. Just pretend she doesn't exist. If and when she's ready to talk to you, she will call you. Being an emo drama queen will only push her away. I'm not saying you're an emo drama queen; I'm just saying that's what you are trying to avoid becoming. It's hard, but you can do this.




> Her mom talked me and gave me the low down. Basically she felt like I was a little controlling like smoking cigarette's and how much she drank or at least only liquor *because she became mean*.


Huge red flag. The cool thing about drugs is that they can impair or excite certain parts of the brain so you get a better understanding of what a person's brain thinks about. Alcohol tends to have a very strong effect on the brain's ability to second guess itself and control behavior. What a person says while drunk is what they're actually thinking. This all goes back to a latin saying "in vino veritas" which literally means "in wine [there is] truth." That phrase is actually the main reason I insist on seeing people drunk at least once. The ones who are angry when drunk are the ones you need to avoid at all cost.


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## unbelievable

I believe I'd tell her, "Sorry your folks got divorced. Sorry your grandpa died. I know you're going through tough times and I'm your husband and here to help you anyway I can. I know you need some space so I'll give you space and time within reason. While you figure things out, we are still married. I won't be chatting up any other women and I expect you to be 100% faithful, too. I want this marriage to work. A couple things are non-negotiable. I won't live with a drunk and I won't be disrespected. We won't be separating every time a problem arises. We play for keeps or we don't play. Take some time, find peace. I will love you every minute, miss you every minute, but I won't call you, visit you, or check up on you. This is your time to figure out what you want. You have two months.


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## ShawnD

half serious:
Change the locks on the doors. When she finds that her key doesn't work anymore, say "sorry about that; I thought you weren't coming back" then give her a key.

It doesn't really make logical sense. You're not really locking her out if you're willing to give her a key right away. The intent is that she'll feel that initial shock of being locked out. She's gone for a month, you make no attempt to contact her, and the locks are changed when she comes back. 
"Maybe his life doesn't revolve around my drama as much as I thought it did."


I'm basing this on something my gf said. I'm a very laid back person and I don't fight for people. If you say don't call me, I really will not call you. My gf noticed this right away and she said that it made her a bit more careful about her actions. If she gets all dramatic and leaves, she knows I will not chase after her or try to buy back her love. As a result of that, she's not dramatic at all. If she has a problem, she talks to me because talking is the only way to get my attention. I think you can apply the same thing to your current situation. If she wants to talk, you need to be there to listen. Chasing after her or leaving the door unlocked only encourages dramatic behavior.


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## jdrop01

Day 3 no phone call and she didn't come home after work from mid shift. Doing my best to stay strong but I just want to fix this. I just feel she is not missing me like I am missing her. I just don't understand how you love someone for 5yrs and can move out and not think about how much pain and suffering the other person is going through. I haven't called or text I just want her to walk through the doors.


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## Prodigal

jdrop01 said:


> Doing my best to stay strong but I just want to fix this. I just feel she is not missing me like I am missing her. I just don't understand how you love someone for 5yrs and can move out and not think about how much pain and suffering the other person is going through.


You are trying to get inside of your wife's head to make sense of this. Quit trying. It will leave you frustrated and get you nowhere.

Okay, your wife pulls a mean drunk. Do you think she is drinking too much? Do you think it is a coping mechanism for the deaths that occurred in her family.

Also, the fact that her parents' marriage broke up is not a reason for her to question her own marriage. MAJOR boundary issues there. Lots of people divorce after a long marriage. Heck, my parents finally got divorced when I was 21. That doesn't mean I figured I would have the same thing happen to me.

Your wife does not deal with her emotions. She bottles stuff up. Thus, you got this explosion. Who really knows what set her off? She has probably detached enough from her own feelings that she isn't even sure. I mean, c'mon, do you seriously believe that her parents' marriage is the sole reason she decided to walk?

Quit trying to figure this out. Grieve your loss. She may come back, she may not. Frankly, she sounds a bit emotionally unstable to me. However, you are going to drive yourself crazy trying to get inside someone else's head to discern their motivations.

Go ahead and cry. Scream at the walls. Heck, bust a couple of dishes. Just get the pain out of your own system first.


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## TRy

jdrop01 said:


> Day 3 no phone call and she didn't come home after work from mid shift. Doing my best to stay strong but I just want to fix this. I just feel she is not missing me like I am missing her. I just don't understand how you love someone for 5yrs and can move out and not think about how much pain and suffering the other person is going through. I haven't called or text I just want her to walk through the doors.


 Although she may or may not have cheated on you you already, there is probably someone else that she has in mind that she wants to explore a relationship with. No kids makes this easy for her. You are officially her back up plan. It is time to move on. It may hurt, but the lack of kids with her cuts both ways and you can and should move on. I feel for you. Be well.


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## jdrop01

Tell you the truth I really don't know what set her off or what made her want to leave. But, I do know once her parents got divorced she did try to leave me because she had no more faith in marriage. I know this might sound dumb but it really was the reason last time. She is very into her family and I believe this after speaking to her mom. They thank that she was so close to her brothers and sister because if she wasn't they would of lost her. 

Yes, she is very horrible at dealing with her emotions. She still dwells on her friend dying almost 9yrs ago or so. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to get her to talk about it to ease her pain. All attempts failed and I just got to watch her suffer and try to do my best to comfort. She is a very lonely person and isolates herself all the time. 

I know what I am doing is driving me insane I just find it very hard to deal with. If I could just get her to talk to me and get to the bottom of this I might find closure or at least talk myself into letting go and moving on. 

She let me with no explanation really and confused with her sayings. I need space, I don't want to see you with anyone else,. She even told me if I were to ask her to stay just to not hurt me that she would. She said it wouldn't even be hard to convince her to stay. I just stared at her confused........ and I am still confused. Yes, I am a mess I will admit that. I think I just need to get out of this house and stay with friends. Only problem is we have two dogs which need attention and I will not neglect them because of her doing.


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## Prodigal

jdrop01 said:


> Yes, she is very horrible at dealing with her emotions. She still dwells on her friend dying almost 9yrs ago or so. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to get her to talk about it to ease her pain. All attempts failed and I just got to watch her suffer and try to do my best to comfort. She is a very lonely person and isolates herself all the time.


Well, I'd say you have your answer. This is the type of person you married. Sounds like other than her family, she doesn't trust other people. And, you are "other people." I dated someone like this. In the end, I felt the guy had a boatload of emotional baggage; certainly more than I wanted to take on.

You knew what you got when you married her. She sounds clinically depressed. JMO, but I would guess that her depression and inability to cope with what life throws her way, has a whole lot more to do with her leaving the marriage than you.

And I think that is what you have to examine. I don't think you are nearly as important to her as she is to you. If she got into some serious counseling and went to a doctor to find out if she needs medication, things might turn around.

The only problem is, people who don't want to be fixed will refuse all help. They would rather stew in their own pain, because that pain is familiar. Kinda sick? Yeah. But I married one like that. Which is why I no longer am living under the same roof. I couldn't fix him. He didn't want to be fixed. Our lives. Our choices.

You can try to reach out to her to see if she will get help. If she doesn't want it, you might want to explore your options, like going to counseling for yourself, seeing an attorney to get information ... just have your ducks in a row.

This is painful, I know. Life is full of pain. We all want to avoid it. Unfortunately, life comes 'round and slaps us in the face. You will get through this pain. But you have to go through it to get past it.


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## VostroDH

My suggestion is to ask her if she's willing to go to counseling and then to go. I experienced something similar in the last 6 months but I was the one who left. The stimulus for leaving was several traumatic situations involving my mother, a very close friend, both of which caused a great deal of pain from childhood to resurface. I've been married for 23 years and got to a point where I'm not sure what love is and whether I'm capable of it. So, your wife may need you to step back and look at the situation from a different perspective--not so much that she doesn't love you but that she needs you to love her unconditionally right now. There's no guarantees, but showing her that you are willing to help her work through whatever is happening to her emotionally may help her to realize she really does want you.


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## Unhappy2011

I see the usual suspicions of cheating being thrown about. Did somebody suspect her of having BPD also?

OP,

I am sorry man. I think she told you the truth. Sounds like she is having a mid life crisis of sorts. And these deaths and her parents divorce shattered what were illusions of what life is supposed. And she realizing she's basically unhappy in life, like I was. And while you obviously love her, she probably feels being a couple is confining. I don't think there is anything to be done but to let her go. She might come back but she needs to get herself straight first.

Sounds like you really love her and I am sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/size


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## Complexity

It's bizarre that she's punishing you for the dissolution of her parent's marriage. Why does the survival of your marriage hinge on theirs?

I think you should ask her mother about this and ask her to speak to your wife about it.


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## ShawnD

Complexity said:


> It's bizarre that she's punishing you for the dissolution of her parent's marriage. Why does the survival of your marriage hinge on theirs?
> 
> I think you should ask her mother about this and ask her to speak to your wife about it.


People create their own relationship based on their parents relationship. If that relationship fails, then it's likely your own relationship will fail too. This is why women who don't have a dad will likely end up with a guy who is never around or leaves.


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## jdrop01

I want to thank everyone for all their advice and input. Her father called me yesterday to talk to me and ask me how I was doing. I told him how I am just sick to my stomach and just want to be with his daughter and nothing more. He told me that she is in just as bad shape as I am about the whole situation. Today or in 2 hours we having a meeting with a counselor. 

I can say that I am very nervous going. I am scared to hear her utter the words that she did this weekend. But, at the same time I have hope because she actually agreed to meet with me. She could had easily said no and left me be.

We are both in the military and the military is 100% involved in our situation now. We both have a no contact order to where we can not text, call, or email. So, the only way for us to even talk is both parties have to agree with their military leader when one person ask to talk. This is why I have a little hope. I asked my military leader if I could see her and talk to her with a counselor to try to figure things out, basically get to the bottom of what provoked her to do this. He called her military leader and to my surprise she agreed. 

I am fully of nerves and just anxious to go. Yes, I know I need to control myself and not focus on me. I am just really scared and nervous on what to say. I know I will mention all the traumatic life events that are happening and let her know I am here 100% of the way even if she needs time. I just pray for today's meeting to go smooth and have some sort of resolution.


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## southern wife

jdrop01 said:


> no explanation really and confused with her sayings. I need space, I don't want to see you with anyone else,


To me, this *screams* affair or affair in the making. There is no other real reason for her behavior. Yes, she's going through some tough things in her life, but that's when you lean on your loved ones for support; not just leave and disappear. :scratchhead:

Who has she been staying with?


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## jdrop01

She has being staying with her friend who is a female from work. This has be verified by her First Sergent and Flight Chiefs and reassured to myself because I was wondering also.

There are a lot of no contact orders out for people who she works with and people I work with. Just so no one can bother us and keep our minds clear.

We had our session today but to me I felt betrayed. I had the thought that we were going to talk to each other but we did not. The counselor pulled us in 1 by 1 and discussed what every issues were on our minds. I told her everything that was happening in her life with her grandfather on his death bed, cousin dying, and her Dad's GF committing suicide. 

She then brought my wife in and my wife related the same information and talked about how she feels that sometimes we are friends and sometimes we aren't. Other things like how we might have little trust issues. 

I then thought we were suppose to get together and talk. The counselor brought me back and I was stunned not to see my wife in the room. I asked for a explanation and said this is why we got pulled in here today. She said my wife was not ready to talk to me because she is not thinking clearly and doesn't want to say the wrong things to me and have me asking questions.

So, the counselor gave us a assignment to write a letter out with exactly how we feel. We will bring this paper back on Thursday and read it to one another. Now mind you this was not forced upon her by the counselor. My wife actually came up with it and the counselor agreed. 

My First Sergent also suggested if I do not want to stay in the house anymore they could have her move back in and me move to a friends until this problem is resolved. I didn't know how to answer that question so I said I would think about it.

I feel like yes she should move in and see how it feels to live inside the house you have memories everywhere. How it feels to walk up the stairs and stare at our wedding photos and take care of our animals we bought together as a young couple. I feel it is her turn to sleep in the bed and wake up to it empty and walk around a empty house. I also feel this is selfish and would do nothing but harm and push her further away. Am I wrong or is it her turn to feel the misery of missing each other. 

Yes, I hate being here looking at our photo's and waking up to a empty bed and taking care of our dogs. It kills me because it just reminds me of her. What should I do? 

Also there is no affair in the making or such. Her father was very clear to me on that subject and I did not ask him to ask. I didn't even make a attempt to call him, he called me yesterday. He called and gave me the low down. She is doing just as bad and feels horrible.

The counselor let me know that my wife expressed how much she does care for me and doesn't want to see me hurt. Counselor said that my wife just has a lot on her mind/plate but doesn't know how to handle it. 

Should I stay in this house another 2 days or have her move in and me out? I still have hope because my wife is the one scheduling all this appointments without me. To me if she didn't care she would say F it and let me be in misery. Thoughts?


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## keko

jdrop01 said:


> The counselor let me know that my wife expressed how much she does care for me and doesn't want to see me hurt. Counselor said that my wife just has a lot on her mind/plate but doesn't know how to handle it.
> 
> Should I stay in this house another 2 days or have her move in and me out? I still have hope because my wife is the one scheduling all this appointments without me. To me if she didn't care she would say F it and let me be in misery. Thoughts?


That's what I don't get, how can you love someone and don't want them to get hurt but leave them just out of the blue?

Having her move back into the house will bring back memories to her, just as you said she'll sleep in the bed alone, look at wedding pictures, etc. You could even right a letter to her and leave it in the open.


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## Po12345

You are military, as am I. Make sure you use all your available resources, they are out there, especially now. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated just to try and save your marriage, stay strong. If you need to, call military one source, you can have 12 free sessions for yourself to try and deal with this disaster. I am calling it a disaster because I've been in somewhat of the same boat, although we are trying to work it out and we never left one another. 

Right now you have to stay away from her, try very hard to be patient, and please please use military one source to get individual counseling, they provide much better counselors than the on base/on post counseling you can get. It is okay to go to both the marriage counselor and to have an individual counselor work with you about your own issues related to this matter, which will likely be grief, anger, and betrayal related. My individual counselor is working with me to help me get over the anxiety and depression everything caused. It has helped me immensely but nothing is fixed overnight.


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## Po12345

keko said:


> That's what I don't get, how can you love someone and don't want them to get hurt but leave them just out of the blue?


Depression and anxiety can cause a person's emotions to become skewed, to the point where we don't feel anything anymore, or worse. You do things that don't make sense to yourself, much less to those around you and those who love you. 

I couldn't even play with my 2 and 4 year old children last year around this time, I was so incredibly depressed. Now I look back and I can hardly imagine being like that.


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## Po12345

Also, if you do not have children, do NOT give her the house. You do NOT put yourself out of your house in this situation, you are not the main cause of this problem, therefore don't try to fix it by appeasing her with your home.


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## jdrop01

Ah since your military that helps a lot because you can relate when everyone is in your business. 

Mine situation now is do I have the First Sergent make her move back in? Or should I deal with the house and etc. while she figures things out? 

Really I just hope on Thursday after we read our letters that she realizes that I will help her through this no matter what and I am there by her side. Also show her how much I really do care. Thursday can't come fast enough.


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## Po12345

jdrop01 said:


> Ah since your military that helps a lot because you can relate when everyone is in your business.
> 
> Mine situation now is do I have the First Sergent make her move back in? Or should I deal with the house and etc. while she figures things out?
> 
> Really I just hope on Thursday after we read our letters that she realizes that I will help her through this no matter what and I am there by her side. Also show her how much I really do care. Thursday can't come fast enough.


Yes, I know the feeling when everyone is in your business. Imagine one of your fellow soldiers (same rank) making a joke that "Oh I thought that was you that committed suicide out on the interstate the other day" talking about a news program. As everyone laughs you bite a bitter pill about your private problems being out in everyone's business. 

Do not make her move back in, that would probably be about the worst thing. Regardless of how she feels she will be bitter about that and use it against you later if things continue to be problematic. Also, this would be totally unfair to you. I know it sucks to think about but if she really doesn't love you, how fair is it to have someone like that around you, you deserve better. I'm not saying that's the case, but just keep that in mind. She has to come to her own conclusions here.

I will also say another thing, and relate it to my own situation: I have lost my manhood (figuratively speaking) through all of this. I made it clear that I was there for her, no matter what, but in some ways my situation completely broke me a year ago and I've been trying to "man up" and stand up for myself ever since. Do NOT do that to yourself, remain as strong as you can, do not give up a part of yourself to try and save this relationship. My wife also has anxiety and depression issues, so I know how hard that can be on a relationship. 

She has to fix herself, yes, be there for her, but don't blame yourself and don't bend over backwards to give her ANYTHING just to try to save a relationship that you (from all appearances) did not screw up to begin with. If you do that you lose yourself, and when you lose yourself, you lose the very thing that your spouse loved to begin with.


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## jdrop01

Damnit just noticed she took the dogs........... Now I am pissed.


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## southern wife

Po12345 said:


> Do not make her move back in, that would probably be about the worst thing. Regardless of how she feels she will be bitter about that and use it against you later if things continue to be problematic.




Also, it sounds like she has enough to deal with. She doesn't need the responsibility of the house, the dogs, etc. Just take good care of your pups.....and let them take care of you!


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## Paulination

jdrop01 said:


> She has being staying with her friend who is a female from work. This has be verified by her First Sergent and Flight Chiefs and reassured to myself because I was wondering also.
> 
> There are a lot of no contact orders out for people who she works with and people I work with. Just so no one can bother us and keep our minds clear.
> 
> We had our session today but to me I felt betrayed. I had the thought that we were going to talk to each other but we did not. The counselor pulled us in 1 by 1 and discussed what every issues were on our minds. I told her everything that was happening in her life with her grandfather on his death bed, cousin dying, and her Dad's GF committing suicide.
> 
> She then brought my wife in and my wife related the same information and talked about how she feels that sometimes we are friends and sometimes we aren't. Other things like how we might have little trust issues.
> 
> I then thought we were suppose to get together and talk. The counselor brought me back and I was stunned not to see my wife in the room. I asked for a explanation and said this is why we got pulled in here today. She said my wife was not ready to talk to me because she is not thinking clearly and doesn't want to say the wrong things to me and have me asking questions.
> 
> So, the counselor gave us a assignment to write a letter out with exactly how we feel. We will bring this paper back on Thursday and read it to one another. Now mind you this was not forced upon her by the counselor. My wife actually came up with it and the counselor agreed.
> 
> My First Sergent also suggested if I do not want to stay in the house anymore they could have her move back in and me move to a friends until this problem is resolved. I didn't know how to answer that question so I said I would think about it.
> 
> I feel like yes she should move in and see how it feels to live inside the house you have memories everywhere. How it feels to walk up the stairs and stare at our wedding photos and take care of our animals we bought together as a young couple. I feel it is her turn to sleep in the bed and wake up to it empty and walk around a empty house. I also feel this is selfish and would do nothing but harm and push her further away. Am I wrong or is it her turn to feel the misery of missing each other.
> 
> Yes, I hate being here looking at our photo's and waking up to a empty bed and taking care of our dogs. It kills me because it just reminds me of her. What should I do?
> 
> Also there is no affair in the making or such. Her father was very clear to me on that subject and I did not ask him to ask. I didn't even make a attempt to call him, he called me yesterday. He called and gave me the low down. She is doing just as bad and feels horrible.
> 
> The counselor let me know that my wife expressed how much she does care for me and doesn't want to see me hurt. Counselor said that my wife just has a lot on her mind/plate but doesn't know how to handle it.
> 
> Should I stay in this house another 2 days or have her move in and me out? I still have hope because my wife is the one scheduling all this appointments without me. To me if she didn't care she would say F it and let me be in misery. Thoughts?


Geez I had no idea the government had so much control over your life in the military. Seems like it amplifies the drama.


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## southern wife

Maybe she just wanted to spend some time with them and will bring them back???? :scratchhead:


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## jdrop01

Ok, I made her bring the dogs back. Told her she is the one who left me and the dogs/house and if she wanted them she could come home.


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## jdrop01

Paulination said:


> Geez I had no idea the government had so much control over your life in the military. Seems like it amplifies the drama.


Believe it. They're in your life 100% all the time. It gets real annoying because your life is out in the open when to me our situation could have been resolved by going to a counselor ourselves. Fix her coping issues and I am pretty sure we would be fine.


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## jdrop01

southern wife said:


> Maybe she just wanted to spend some time with them and will bring them back???? :scratchhead:


That I don't care. She wants to spend time guess what come home. I will not let her run me over with that.


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## Prodigal

jdrop01 said:


> They're in your life 100% all the time. It gets real annoying because your life is out in the open.


Former Army wife here. Spent years living here, there, and everywhere. Spent years watching everything in the house break down, blow up, or fall apart when husband was TDY.

I know they are in your life and in your face. When my husband was about to go TDY to Iraq in '03, I had to deal with the chaplain, the commanding officer, and the commanding officer's wife. Not to mention two counselors who wanted me to spill my guts because hubs was already exhibiting drinking issues.

Man, what a nightmare.

Let me ask you something: Is your wife cut off from her feelings in part due to her military training? Sometimes it's a question of what came first: the mindset, or the military getting ahold of someone's mind and molding it into what it needs to be.

My husband is a pretty sensitive guy. However, as an officer, he could not allow any sensitivity to get in the way of his decisions. So what did I get stuck with? A guy who ended up trying to drink away his feelings. Someone who freaked out when life threw him a curve ball.

After all, he had to make decisions absent his emotions. Lives were at stake when he was in combat zones. No time to feel anything.

Do you think this may have something to do with your wife burying her feelings?


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## jdrop01

The military has nothing to do with her withholding her feelings. This is who she is and I knew this from the start. I just thought I could deal with it as long as it meant we be together. I've done alright for these 5 yrs until it start messing up our marriage. 

I just hope that these counseling sessions she keeps scheduling sheds some light on her. I already took a step forward and now taking sessions to work on myself. Did today for a hour wasn't so bad and it open my eye's. I honestly think it has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with her coping with what is going on with her family.

The counselor kept saying this to me as I was not a huge part or subject of the talk she had with her. My wife just kept talking about her issues with her family. The only thing about me said was she cares about me a lot and doesn't want to see me hurt.


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## jdrop01

Well my wife is finally texting me. I asked her to drop this dumb no contact rule, told her I think we are mature enough to communicate without the military. I also started using the 180 plan. 

For once I feel like I am in control of my emotions. I need to get my mind straight. I finally am realizing that yes I most likely will not get my wife back. You know what with everyone's help here I am ok with that. Things happen in our lives and yes it just happen to be one of the worst moments in my life.

But, after sitting in my living room talking to my Father he made me realize what can I really do? If she has made up her mind to move on then *then I have to accept it period.* I will go to this meeting on Thursday with my letter in hand and not expect anything but the worse of her asking to get divorced. 

Well I haven't had any food in my stomach for the past 5 days and I am tired of being sad and gloomy. I must face the facts and realize that I am going to be wifeless and the sooner I get a grasp on this then the faster I will be able to move on and regain my health and sanity.


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## jdrop01

Little update:

My wife came home and dropped the dogs off. We finally actually got to talk after 5 days. This was after our session with the counselor where we didn't see each other. She asked me how I was doing and I told her the best I can be while going through this and see told she that she hasn't been eating or sleeping in the past 5 days. I said yea you looked a little rough when you came up but to me I was actually surprised she was feeling like this.

She then out of no where hugged me crying into my chest and said I am sorry for putting you through this you mean the world to me. I was confused and told her you can end all this just by coming home. She then said I wish I could say yes but I don't think I can do this. I then reminded her we have another session Thursday and what is the point in going if there is no chance. Because on Thursday this is when we're suppose to read our letters to one another. She just said you never know maybe these 2 days of me thinking will clear my mind and have me thinking straight.

I just fell like I am being dragged along with hope in my mirrors. She even began to text me more often this afternoon which to me if your done with someone you usually don't keep in contact. 

I've written my letter and now trying to keep myself in check to not get hope up but it is hard when she is doing acts like that. Am I being foolish to think I have a chance? My friend's wife said when she was done with her ex she was done no communication was happening. She thinks that my wife is just a little confused and might have made a quick decision on leaving. She thinks my wife is not done with me and thinks even if Thursday might not go well that my wife will continue to keep in contact while she is figuring herself out with time. 

Any advice or help? Maybe for my letter or how I might be able to get my wife to give our marriage another chance. I was doing so well thinking I might not have a wife and then all this happened and threw me back a couple steps.


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## the guy

Welcome to the rollercoaster ride of WAW.

Shes sorry for hurting you while she goes through her crap, but its unfair to you, and I'm getting a cence that even though shes sorry she continues to torture you b/c of her selfish thought of confussion and inability to deal with her folks divorce.

You still have a lot of "nice guy" in you and most likely she will use every bit of it up until she ses you moving on with out her.

It sucks, it such a balancing act here but I have to tell you, there will come a time were you just have to let her go and only then will she make any real commitment one way or another.

Right now she knows she has the all the time in the world, and trust me she will use every bit of it.

When you do run out of nice guy juice you might see a big change in her additude towards you.

Thats just my late night perspective on how she see you.


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## Po12345

Sounds like you have a pretty good handle on things. Your wife sounds a little like my wife. She doesn't communicate her feelings with me all that well at all, but I never noticed it before, and that is probably one of the hardest things now because I never let it bother me before. I don't want to say I didn't care about her feelings, but when you assume someone is totally in love with you, and that your marriage is perfect, you can miss a lot of the warning signs that there are big problems. 

Now with me, I had passive aggressive anger issues that were amplified by my time in Iraq. I did not respond well to conversations that involved anything I did not agree with. My wife by nature is a quiet person, does not like crowds of people, arguing, etc. It triggers anxiety issues for her, along with certain depression traits. As a result my wife began to wither away and avoid talking to me if there was any indication that I might disagree with her. Now, this wasn't entirely my fault either, there were things that she did that contributed greatly to the problems in our marriage, but the reason I bring this up, is to ask if you may have had anything like this that may have caused your wife to feel unable to communicate with you? This isn't me accusing you, just seeing if it is something you've thought about. 

I had honestly never given it any thought and when I actually addressed those aspects of my personality it was a huge revelation for me. In some ways I had began treating my family like they were my subordinate troops, pointing out petty little things that bothered me and not showing near enough appreciation for all the good things. As a member of the military, it is sometimes hard to take off the uniform and just be a regular spouse/parent, but it is important to find a way to separate the two. (My wife is a former Marine so we also did the dual military status, it is even harder when it is two different branches).


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## Po12345

Oh, and you are being strong and that is good, don't slip up and let her take advantage of that nice person inside of you. 

One of the most important things to do is to get out with friends and LIVE, that is probably the biggest mistake I made in the last year. My wife and I were (and really still are) best friends, and so when things got dicey it was hard for me to leave the house, so I just didn't.

This was a mistake. It is very important to show that you can live your life, that you are able to continue on, regardless of what your spouse is doing. Get with friends, go out and do what makes you happy, even if it seems like you have to fake it. The surprising thing is, after awhile, you suddenly realize you aren't faking it anymore, you are having fun, you are living your life. I didn't do this and I regret it, trying to do it now.


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## southern wife

* I just want to say THANK YOU for your service to our Country to all the military guys/gals in this thread and on this board! *

I work for a veterans organization, so I just wanted to add that to this thread. I know you guys made alot of sacrifices in your life for our Country - and for that I thank you and salute you!!


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## VostroDH

Writing out what your feelings are is a good idea. My husband and I did something similar, reason being that when you start talking, it is hard to think about the words coming out of your mouth before they do. When you write everything out, you have the opportunity to tweak it so you're not inadvertently hurting the other person through careless words. Even with letters, misunderstandings can occur though. That's where the counselor should be able to help the two of you understand the different perspectives.

I feel for both of you. My husband was devastated when I moved out and I feel horrible for doing that to him, but honestly these last 4 months have been very therapeutic for both of us in terms of identifying our issues and starting to talk them out. I recently saw an article about love and it stated "love is only possible when you don't need others to define who you are or need others to conform to your view of the world. Love isn't a tool for using people or binding them to your side....love doesn't compartmentalize--it sees a person as a whole, rather than focusing on a part you dislike and turning that disliked part into the person's whole."

What I realized is that even though my husband had characteristics I dislike and he has done some not nice things to me, it doesn't define his whole being--just like my leaving to figure sh** out doesn't define my whole being. We are all human and each of us must give more than our fair share of love and compassion to compensate for the other's lack at some point. Hopefully, your wife will really be honest with herself and try to get to the bottom of what is going on and share it with you so you both can start healing.

As for moving, I would stay put for now. She left, therefore she needs to handle her living arrangements.


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## lovelygirl

I don't understand how someone who says they love you can hurt you by keeping you away from them.
It just doesn't make sense.
Maybe she cheated on you but she's too ashamed to say it and she's comping up with mixed/uncertain excuses to keep you away of all the harm that she might have done you secretely.


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## jdrop01

Today was actually a great day. I texted my wife asking to come by the house to spend time with her dogs while I went out on a cruise to give myself a break from the house and dwelling on the situation. She agreed as long as I texted her when I was coming back so she could leave since we have this no contact order. I agreed and left and went on a 3hr cruise into the mountains near by.

Came back and when I was a little close to the house I texted saying I am coming home. 15mins went by and no answer and wasn't going to just keep driving around my block. So, I texted her saying I am coming home if your there or not. My surprise when I came in she was knocked out sleeping. I woke up her up and said I am home so you can leave now. She told me she hasn't been sleeping and that was the 1st decent hours of sleep she has had. Said good and cya. She lost her house key so we looked for a little and then I finally just said F it and started talking.

Told her I wanted to say things to her and not in front of our counselor tomorrow just because there are certain things that have happen in our past that I didn't want out counselor to judge us. She agreed and we got the talking. Lately while she has been away she kept having people asking and trying to give support which in return was driving her mad. She wants people to understand she can stand on her own two feet and I knew she is this type of person. A lot of emotions were thrown around and we actually talked for 3 hrs! 

This is literally the first time ever in our marriage we have sat still and talked to each other that long. Surprised us both. I actually told her a lot of truth about myself of when I wanted to give up and when I just didn't care about her or us. Told her also the times when I wanted to leave I was tired also of trying to make you happy and say the correct thing when all I wanted to do was say forget about it. This sparked a connection between us because this is exactly how she feels. She doesn't have the energy to try to say the correct things or try to give affection right now because of all her life events going on with her family. It was a very long conversation and I did very well in just listening and no butt in's. 

We came to our own conclusion in what to do. This was not force by either one of us it was mutual. She agreed that while still married that we should be living together, I agreed also. We don't hate each other or have resentment towards one another. We are at a point after today's conversation where we can be civil towards one another without throwing drama and emotions into each other face. 

So, we agreed that when she moves back in that we are going to go sloooooowwwwww. No emotional talking and no physical contact until we are both ready. We were both really hurt by this event and still need time to heal and think things out. We agreed it would be great if we could be that young couple that when together we just had fun with no baggage when we were good friends like how we started our relationship. Going to take it hour by hour and we both are willing to keep going to counseling. My wife is a very tricky individual but after we had that 3 hour conversation I finally received all the answers I was finally looking for and now from here on out can stop picking at her for them. I wish we had this conversation a year ago.


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## CantSitStill

Hmmm maybe this is all a midlife crisis for her and she has had so many traumatic events happen that she is geting scared. Hope it all works out but I do reccommend counseling for her then later marriage counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdrop01

CantSitStill said:


> Hmmm maybe this is all a midlife crisis for her and she has had so many traumatic events happen that she is geting scared. Hope it all works out but I do reccommend counseling for her then later marriage counseling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Forgot to mention we agreed to keep going to these counseling sessions or even find better help because our counselor wasn't the best.


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## lovelygirl

That's good news. You did half of the job and communication was missing in your life as a couple.
It's good to hear that you sorted some things out.
Hopefully you'll be able to overcome this challenge and go back to being happy again.


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## Po12345

jdrop01 said:


> Forgot to mention we agreed to keep going to these counseling sessions or even find better help because our counselor wasn't the best.


Make sure both of you are comfortable with whatever counselor you find, if either of you does not connect with the counselor, the chance of success goes down dramatically.


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## VostroDH

Very happy for you and I hope you guys can work things out. I also encourage you both to continue counseling.


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## jdrop01

Went to counseling today read our letters and discussed it with one another. My wife agreed to come home and etc. We agreed on just trying to get back to the friends we once were. Continue to be 100% faithful to each other. Basically trying to go back to having fun with no worries about trying so hard to make each other happy. Only thing that freaks me out is we have about 3 months left on our rental and she still might go her own way once its done. 

She hasn't filed for divorce or even talked about it today but is willing to go to a new counselor and give us a try. She again said she is not sure about being married but told me that it has only been 1 day and ever since our 3hr conversation she already feels a lot of pressure off her shoulders and mind. Since we were so honest she now feels we can be honest every moment no matter how it makes the other feel. Which relieved me because now I can also stop holding back and truly say what's on my mind. She actually liked that I was straight honest in today's session and felt relieved. 

We had a great brunch today and she has never in our entire marriage talked to me about so much. We just ate a little and spent most of the time just talking. I feel like now I too has less pressure in trying to be what I thought a husband was suppose to be and get back to being who I really am. No idea if this makes sense or not but I actually feel at peace.


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## CantSitStill

Good keep up the positive attitude, keep up with the counseling and mostly keep talking and being honest with eachother..being intimate is all about getting into eachothers minds, learning more and more about eachother and that's how you can break down those walls and see where it can lead to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Good to hear a positive report for once. Good luck to you and your wife. Hope the two of you make it through the other side together.


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## jdrop01

Both are home together.Sucks a little because I think my wife is just waiting till July to move on but I am trying to think positive and keep faith. She doesn't want any affection because her feelings are not there like mine are. Sucks for me because I haven't seen her in 6 days and want some sort of touch from her. Guess I just have to ride this out and hope she can see that it can work out. We have counseling sessions setup and will be going to at least 12 for free. Now have to figure out how to keep my urges down for her affection and touch. Great.........


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## Prodigal

jdrop01 said:


> Both are home together.Sucks a little because I think my wife is just waiting till July ... She doesn't want any affection because her feelings are not there like mine are. Sucks for me because I haven't seen her in 6 days and want some sort of touch from her.


She's back home. You are miserable. Do you think it would be better to have her NOT at home? Yes, you were miserable that she left, but now she is right in your space and it still sucks. Maybe more so, since she is there, but she is off bounds to you.

JMO, but when a couple is going through some heavy stuff like this, it often helps to stay in neutral corners - as in living separate rather than apart.

Your wife has MAJOR issues. Big time. And you are sitting in the same house, wanting to reach out to her, but she is unreachable. 

Sounds like living he!! to me. Do you want to reconsider having her in the house? Is that possible?


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## jdrop01

Well as the day went on and we spent time together she started to open up. I can tell we are at a better place by how we are communicating. I should of maybe gave it a little more time instead of rushing things. We talked hung out laughed no serious talks or emotions at each other helped each other clean the yard. 

We then laid down together holding one another and it just felt right to both of us. No kissing or such went on but just being by each other just felt right. We fell asleep for a little because we're both lacking tons of sleep from this past week and we woke up and began talking again about us. She finally opened up about her parents divorce and so did I since I went through the same thing and we agreed that the reason why it had such a impact on both of our lives mine being at a younger age and her being a adult is because we idolize our parents. She started to understand that just because our parents divorce doesn't mean that has to be us. Continued on with more great conversation and I could tell we were finding that friendship we had where we could be open and honest to one another.

She left for work for the night but I can see us moving on from this. I know I need to take it slow and let things come natural as forcing will do nothing but put me in the same boat I was just in. We even talked about trying to hang out with close friends who we've know from our last station to bring back our old times of how we just had fun with them because there was no drama. So, I think I just need to be patient and understand that I can't have affection the moment she stepped into this house again. I have to let it happen on its own.


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## lovelygirl

Things sound to be going well!!!
Good luck!!!!


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## jdrop01

Starting to regret her coming back. I am going to receive zero affection the entire time I just know it. Because she doesn't have those feelings like that anymore. How dumb am I to believe I might be able to get her to come back into being my wife.


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## CantSitStill

You need to calm down, you brain is on overload. Take it easy. One day at a time, I know it's not happening fast enough for you but there is still hope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdrop01

CantSitStill said:


> You need to calm down, you brain is on overload. Take it easy. One day at a time, I know it's not happening fast enough for you but there is still hope.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Very true, guess it takes someone to actually point this out. My mind is on overload and maybe I just need to not care and let it be.


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## CantSitStill

Listen I was the same way as your wife.. Put up walls..squirreled away from his hugs but I did come back around and now we can't keep our hands off of eachother. Lots of cuddling. Sadly my story is a bit different tho..I was fed up with hubby and his anger and stress every day..was thinking of leaving him..got in a fight, found my ex bf and had an EA..kicked hubby out after a huge fight, let him back home, he changed alot for the better but I was afraid and put up my guard, didn't think his changes would stay..went to marriage counseling yet kept in touch with ex bf. Finally told hubby and he kicked me out, went to sisters..finally stopped talking to the ex..Hubby talked me through a nervous breakdown, fed me, helped me pack up and took me home after having nights of not eating or sleeping..His taking care of me like that after I betrayed him is what woke me up and I fell back in love with him.. really deeply in love to where he is all I think about. We have talked alot alot every day, set boundries and are working things out from my EA. But what I'm trying to say here is that I saw no hope and was wrong..I felt totally done with our marriage, didn't think it was possible to fall back in love with him. I remember him trying so hard with cards, flowers even cheesecake and the more he did that the more he pushed me away. Hang in there, be patient and pray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdrop01

@ CantSitStill

I have not been showering her with gifts, cards, or my affection. I basically have been just sitting in the house and doing normal day to day activities. I find myself praying a lot when I have the alone time just to try to keep me strong through this situation. She asked me if I still wanted to go to New York with her to meet her Dad's side of the family. I want to go but don't know if that's a smart move. I just feel being away and on a vacation could help us or her get those feelings back for me. I guess I am relying on hope but that's all I have.

I know I need to be patience and time will tell. For now I just can't see how someone just develops feelings again when it seems there mind is set on living apart. Guess in 3 months we will see. Love the advice from this community helps a ton. I am going to continue to do what I am doing now. I haven't been a push over doing anything and everything for her. I basically am trying to do the 180 either I move on with her or without her.


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## bandit.45

Do the 180 for you, not her. 

Start living for yourself: work out, get in shape, go out to see friends without her, buy yourself a nice new wardrobe of a style you've never worn before, take up new hobbies, BE INTERESTING, for yourself. 

Treat her like a college roommate. Be pleasant, positive and polite, but don't orbit around her waiting for her to say something. Do not ask her permission to go do what you want. If you have plans to go out, then go out, but don't feel like you need to wait for her permission. Get dressed up swank, tell her your going out and then GO. Don't invite her to go do things anymore. 

By doing this you are breaking yourself free from her influence and emotional controls. She may feel threatened by this... or she may welcome it. The 180 will show you very quickly where her feelings towards you stand. It will either make her notice you and draw her to you, or it will justify her determination to break up with you.

Either way, the 180 will help strengthen you to accept whatever decision she makes.


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## jdrop01

@ bandit.45

I see where your coming from makes total sense. Time to be me and let her realize that I am ok with being me without her by my side. Funny thing happened last night is while we were sleeping I felt like I needed to go for a walk to clear my mind. So, without her noticing I left the bed and house. Took my stroll came back. Not only was she mad because she had no idea where I way or what I was doing. Took me for shock because she is the one with no feelings.


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## lovelygirl

Yeah, she has the right to go wherever/whenever she wants without letting you know and you don't have the right to do this??

Oh irony! 

I hate it when your partner's requests don't meet the exact same things she/he should offer!


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## the guy

Its funny how when the table are turned the spouse that 1st wanted to walk away is now doing the chasing.

You must be doing something right.


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## bandit.45

the guy said:


> Its funny how when the table are turned the spouse that 1st wanted to walk away is now doing the chasing.
> 
> You must be doing something right.


:iagree:


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## CantSitStill

So glad to hear that you are doing all the right things..as I said it's gotta hurt like heck but I'm hope someday soon she sees that glitter of hope as I did. Praying for ya...be proud of yourself 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

jdrop01 said:


> @ bandit.45
> 
> I see where your coming from makes total sense. Time to be me and let her realize that I am ok with being me without her by my side. Funny thing happened last night is while we were sleeping I felt like I needed to go for a walk to clear my mind. So, without her noticing I left the bed and house. Took my stroll came back. Not only was she mad because she had no idea where I way or what I was doing. Took me for shock because she is the one with no feelings.


Its called transferrence. She knows what SHE would be doing out somewhere without your knowledge, and her guilty wayward mind assumes you are doing the same. 

Typical.


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## VostroDH

I'm working on doing the 180 myself and it is hard. Even though I was the one who left (not because I don't love my husband but because change had to be initiated), I still reached out to him everyday to encourage us to both work on fixing the problems. After 4 months, he can't say if he wants me to move back and he has made no effort to show me he wants the marriage to work. Therefore, I'm beginning to think my move was the right one. I believe he wanted out of the marriage but wasn't willing to be the "bad guy".

You're doing great jdrop01!


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## jdrop01

Only thing that pisses me off is this no feelings crap. To me it's BS because why come back home? Why want me to come to New York with you, why do you want me to hang out on the couch and be around you? I understand you don't want physical interaction but yes I still find myself having urges to express myself to her in that way. But, then I get the I am not on that level as you are feelings BS. BUT she cared that I went on a stroll to collect my mind. I know she is confused and thinks her feelings for me has ran its course as she says but then why is she still here wanting to be around me! Makes no sense and I am tired of it. I just act like me and I do say what I want to say without no remorse. But yea the non kissing physical attraction crap is killing me. She only just says I don't have those feelings but I am attracted to you......... My situation feels so strange.


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## Conrad

jdrop,

What was her childhood like?


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## VostroDH

She is confused and probably putting off addressing the real issues. Several therapists I've seen have said that in order for a reconciliation to work both people have to be willing to relate differently than they have been. Since most men relate via physical touch and most women relate via words, the exercise of trying to communicate in the way that is not as familiar can be difficult. Maybe her starting with only minor touching would help (holding hands or a stroke on the arm). You seem to have the talking part down. If she is unwilling to try, then my hunch is there more at stake here then just emotional confusion. Hopefully, the continued therapy will help get to the bottom of it.


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## jdrop01

I mean she has came around to letting us hug and lay on one another either on the couch or the bed. She does let me kiss her forehead and simple acts of affection. We took the dogs on a walk the other day and we held hands the entire time. I just don't understand how someone with no feelings towards someone would even let the other person touch them, hug them, kiss them on forehead, and hold hands on a leisure walk. Confused is the only thing I keep telling myself.

@Conrad

She had a decent childhood both parents were there 2 brothers and 2 sisters who all got along. Nothing major happened from what I know. She was a bad teenager her parents tell me sneaky out, trying drugs and etc. Said the only thing that kept her alive where her brothers and sisters other than that she would have been dead from what her mother claims. Only thing that set her off into the deep end was her best friend dying to a overdose and to me the way she felt there being so hurt she doesn't want to relive it. But, with her grandpa on his dying bed and her cousin dying in the last 2 weeks it resurfaced. She also said that losing me as a friend would kill her inside. But, I sit here and try to imagine just being friends and I don't think I can because I have to much feelings and emotions for this girl. One day at a time is what I keep telling myself. Slow and steady will mend her pain but not mine.


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## Conrad

Sounds like there's more.

Some kind of neglect or abuse.


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## Dedicated2Her

> Sounds like there's more.
> 
> Some kind of neglect or abuse.


I agree with this. There is a wound there that you don't know about. Wounds from childhood reverberate through your life if you don't get help and forgive the ones who did the wounding.


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## CantSitStill

I have a feeling she will come around once she gets her confused mind straight. Hopefully with counseling. Maybe buy a book and keep it near by and maybe she will start reading and getting her head together..what I mean is like a self help book or book about marriage..worth a try. You're doing great..keep it up and stay patient.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345

Have you been able to get out much on your own, with friends? It is good to fill your time with activities apart from her, for both your sakes. On staff duty on my phone or I would type more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdrop01

I am starting to take myself back into the gym, use to be a gym nut. Finally got myself to go today. Lost 10lbs..... yuck. 

Can't wait to go back to work since we're on different shifts. Maybe my absence will click in her mind and see what it is like without me. I don't want to give up but I feel like doing it every second of the day.


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## Davi

This is me said:


> I'll be he first to ask the obvious. Could there be someone else? Your answer will likely be no, but with a little investigation, you may discover another helped her detach emotionally from you.


:iagree::iagree:
I think there are high chances that there is someone else or the problem is other than that because it is very silly reason that she doesn't want to live with you because her parents are separated....


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## lovelygirl

jdrop01 said:


> I just don't understand how someone with no feelings towards someone would even let the other person touch them, hug them, kiss them on forehead, and hold hands on a leisure walk. Confused is the only thing I keep telling myself.


You're totally right. This doesn't make sense at all. Someone either has feelings for you or they don't!!!
How can you hold hands with someone if you don't feel for him anymore???
Where is she trying to get with this???? 

Did you ask her what's the point of letting you do all this and then telling you she's got no feelings?
If yes, what was her answer?



EDIT: or it could be that she's imagening someone else when you hold her and she likes it to some point.


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## MrK

If I were a Vegas odds maker, I'd put great odds at her not coming back. They rarely do. And trust me, it's A LOT easier to do the "no affection" thing when you are the one that fell out of love. I truly believe that my wife has no idea how much I suffer when EVERY NIGHT she comes to bed and turns her back to me with barely a "good night". 

I am 50. Married 20+ years. 3 kids. I place her falling out of love with me between kid 2 and 3, over 10 years ago. I found out about it 2 years ago. I'm trapped. I'm not breaking up my family because I'm not loved by my wife. Your wife gave you the greatest gift a walk away wife can give: a warning. Heed it.

I didn't specifically see it mentioned, but I don't think you have kids. It sucks, and you don't see it now, but she's giving you a do-over. Take it, thank her and find someone who will love you forever.

Good luck. Believe it or not, I envy you.


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## lovelygirl

MrK said:


> I truly believe that my wife has no idea how much I suffer when EVERY NIGHT she comes to bed and turns her back to me with barely a "good night".
> .




Have you talked to her about this?
I know this thread is not about you but if you have your story somewhere posted here pls. give me the link.


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## Ten_year_hubby

jdrop01 said:


> Only thing that pisses me off is this no feelings crap. To me it's BS because why come back home? Why want me to come to New York with you, why do you want me to hang out on the couch and be around you? I understand you don't want physical interaction but yes I still find myself having urges to express myself to her in that way. But, then I get the I am not on that level as you are feelings BS. BUT she cared that I went on a stroll to collect my mind. I know she is confused and thinks her feelings for me has ran its course as she says but then why is she still here wanting to be around me! Makes no sense and I am tired of it. I just act like me and I do say what I want to say without no remorse. But yea the non kissing physical attraction crap is killing me. She only just says I don't have those feelings but I am attracted to you......... My situation feels so strange.


jdrpo1,

Your situation feels strange to you because you are a man. If you find your way to understand how feelings originate and manifest themselves and how women, particularly your wife, process all this, things will become a lot clearer for you. If I can be of any assistance at all, I would suggest that the situation has a lot to do with how she feels about herself. Women receive a massive number of messages every day that directly affect their perception of themselves, mostly in a negative fashion. There are a number of reasons for this but the first one that comes to mind is commercialism.


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## jdrop01

I am clueless what to do. My wife just keeps telling me she doesn't want to be married. But at the same time she is telling me that there could be a chance because she hasn't left or gave me the divorce paperwork. What am I suppose to do? Just sit and wait? How is it even possible to have someone fall back into love with you when they seem set on not being married. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks. She even invited me to go to New York with her and her family for a 10 day vacation. Do I go with hoping something might happen? I get she has no feelings for me nor wants to be married then why is she still here? Why not leave? Do I have a real shot at this or am I fooling myself. I am starting to get real frustrated and want to stop even caring because its wearing me down mentally and physically.


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## keko

She really is mindf'n you.

The trip might a reason for her to see you care about her? That you're "part" of her/her family?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdrop01

I need to start not caring because when I do it shouldn't affect me as much.


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## CantSitStill

Not sure about you going with on that trip..may or may not help hmm..I'm leaning more twords you not going.. this way you both have time apart.. she can talk with her family about your situation without you being there and hopefully miss you and be glad to be back home with you..but I don't know..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

Do go to a lawyer and make sure she knows you are going to a lawyer, she needs to be hit with the reality of this. Tell her.."fine you don't wanna be married then I mine as well file" go and get advice from a lawyer..you don't have to file yet but you can get a free consultation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VostroDH

"My wife just keeps telling me she doesn't want to be married. But at the same time she is telling me that there could be a chance because she hasn't left or gave me the divorce paperwork. What am I suppose to do? Just sit and wait?" [/I]

Ok...she has to make a decision one way or the other--and it is not unfair for you to insist on that. If she doesn't want to be married, then it is best to move on. Maybe if you tell her that at the end of the lease, if she hasn't made it clear she wants to remain married, then that will be the end of it. Of course, if you cannot wait that long (which I would understand) then make the deadline sooner. Either way, she can't force you to stay in limbo. 

In my situation, I moved out and my husband and I went to counseling for 4 months. We had our last free session last Friday. When asked if he wanted me to move back, he said he didn't know. Well, that puts me in the same position of limbo because I want to move back to continue working on the marriage. So, I told him that until he can tell me what he wants and is willing to show the effort, I'm not pushing it anymore. I've already got my own place so for me it's just the emotional disconnection now. I figure when the time comes for me to renew my lease, if he still hasn't shown any effort or expressed a desire to stay married, then I'll file for divorce.

I'm sorry you're going through such pain and encourage you to take control of your own boundaries (i.e., what you're willing to put up with).


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## MrK

jdrop01 said:


> I need to start not caring because when I do it shouldn't affect me as much.


There you go. It's not going to be easy, though. I've been working on it for over 2 years. It's just starting to get easier. Form me, though, the first year was coming to the conclusion that my marriage was over. You are lucky in that you have MrK telling you it's over now. Start healing. Live life for you.


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## Tall Average Guy

CantSitStill said:


> Do go to a lawyer and make sure she knows you are going to a lawyer, she needs to be hit with the reality of this. Tell her.."fine you don't wanna be married then I mine as well file" go and get advice from a lawyer..you don't have to file yet but you can get a free consultation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A few things:

1) See a lawyer and figure out your rights and obligations. Information is key, so that you can put together a sound, realistic plan. It would not hurt to let your wife know you are doing this.

2) Start taking care of yourself. Your wife does not want the job, so you need to do it. Get exercise, watch what you eat, connect back with friends for support. See a doctor to make sure you are getting the help you need. You don't need to be a jerk, but I do think you need to distance yourself from your wife. Don't keep bringing this up, or wanting to talk it out. Let her approach you.

3) Don't lie for her. She does not want to be married, so don't pretend that your marriage is great. I would not go on the vacation, because to me that would be lying. If your in-lwas ask why, tell them the truth. Not in a mean way, but in a calm honest manner that it is not what you want, but your wife is not happy.

4) Find the thread let them go and read it. See how this applies to you.


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## CantSitStill

TallAverageGuy I agree with all of your points..but what do you mean by the last one you wrote number 4?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy

CantSitStill said:


> TallAverageGuy I agree with all of your points..but what do you mean by the last one you wrote number 4?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is a thread here titled "Let Them Go" which includes a discussion on the idea of letting your spouse go in these types of situations. Letting your spouse find happiness, even if it means without you. There was alot of wisdom in the main post, as well as the discussion of the concept that I think would help the OP. My recollection is that Morturi (sp?) includes a link to that thread in his signature.


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## CantSitStill

ah ok ty was just confused
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345

jdrop01 said:


> I need to start not caring because when I do it shouldn't affect me as much.


If you love someone whole heartedly, it is very difficult to have it NOT affect you when they do things that don't make sense, activities that we would never consider doing to them. For lack of a better term, to me it was like being sucker kicked right in the balls, except that the pain has never gone completely away for me. 

Don't condemn yourself for caring as much as you do, that is part of what makes a person a good partner. If you didn't care then you could just say "Oh well" and let her walk out that door without it bothering you, that would only mean you never loved her to begin with. 

A counselor told me that telling yourself not to think about something is very very hard. "Don't think about a zebra". As I typed that, what are you thinking about? A zebra. Add emotions into that and it is 100 times worse. Right now you are right where I'm at, trying to figure out what exactly it is that your spouse wants, and if you are anything like me, you replay events in your mind from your entire time together, and ask "How could I have done this differently, what have I done wrong???" I have yet to find the secret to getting past that and realizing that, regardless of what I did, could have done, or did not do, it is likely the same events would have still occurred. I wasn't perfect, but I also know that this is mostly due to issues she is having, and not my fault. It is still hard to get that driven into my thick skull though.


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## calvin

Jdrop,CantSitStill's hubs here.If I can help in any way,feel free to contact me.Me and CSS went through a lot of the same stuff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Relationship Coach

jdrop01 said:


> Her mom talked me and gave me the low down. Basically she felt like I was a little controlling like smoking cigarette's and how much she drank or at least only liquor because she became mean. Said that her grandfather being on his dying bed is playing a lot on her mind with her cousin also dying. She was really close to her grandfather and I seen how much it hurt her. She let me know that I just need to give her time to figure things out. She still blames her parents divorce on not believing in marriage and can't see why ours would work if her parents could not do it after 25yrs.
> 
> Her mother said it seems that when they divorced it broke her daughter's believe/faith in marriage and see's no point. When they did get divorced last year she drastically changed being cold, holding back, no affection, was just off on her own.... I stood by her side and tried to get her to open up. She tried to leave me at that moment in her life also and blamed the divorce. But, instead I talked her into trying to make our own history. I just think with all this stuffing happening to her in the past year it weighed on her to much. She doesn't know how to deal with it besides drinking it away she never talks to anyone. Her mother or father couldn't get her to open up about it.
> 
> I think I am just in boat where I have to sit back and wait. Yes, it tearing me up inside. We're suppose to meet tomorrow and talk does anyone have any advice on what I should say to try to convince her that we can make this work?


Man, hang in there. I know it's brutal right now. Your mind can be your own worst enemy right now, so don't forget to breath and give people the benefit of the doubt. All you can do is control your own actions. You can't control how your wife feels (directly), despite what you desire or expect. Neediness, control or desperation aren't going to help ANY situation, regardless of what's going on with her.

With that in mind, what specifically have you tried to do to help her grieve? Would you say when you talk to her that your communication is radically different than the rest of your relationship? (If it is, have you expressed that to her?) 

Hang in there.


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## jdrop01

Well I know my wife to the point where I know she doesn't like to talk about anything about her grief. I leave her alone and when she does open up I strictly listen until she is completely done because if I don't she will shut down and close herself off again.

But, I have great news. We went to a resort this past weekend and it had to be the best time we've had in a very long time. Just the relief of pressure of being home and feeling like we have to do something such as chores and etc. We relaxed, laughed, hung out like friends, and we had a great conversation of the future. It seems leaving her alone and letting her come around slowly on her own was the key. She let me know this. We're still working through this slowly but she mentioned about us not resigning our lease on the rental we're in. She said she wants us to look together for another house! I was so damn excited that I had to tell myself to play cool and be as cool as I can be. Such a relief I just agreed and continued the weekend like a normal relaxing weekend. We agreed that we forgot to spoil ourselves and take a timeout from reality ever now and then. 

With being in the military a lot of stress develops and you tend to unleash it on the one's closest. Lesson learned take timeouts for the health of the relationship and get away from reality. It helped my situation or at least I believe it did. I am still remaining calm and not bringing up anything I am letting her do all the initiation of future conversations about us as I want her to feel zero pressure from me. Again, thanks to everyone for the great advice couldn't have made it without this forum and community.


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## CantSitStill

I'm really happy for you. Depression is a horrible thing, she's coming around, keep doing what you're doing, so happy for you, keep updated 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdrop01

Thank you CSS and your husband! For answering my PM's helped so much.


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## VostroDH

Very happy for you Jdrop01!


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## Po12345

Good to hear, jdrop! 

Keep working on things, and remember this is a process. Don't get down on yourself simply if there is a cloudy day here and there. If you need to talk, there are people here who can lend an ear.


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## calvin

Glad to hear things are working out for you,its a good feeling is'nt it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdrop01

calvin said:


> Glad to hear things are working out for you,its a good feeling is'nt it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Best feeling in the world and yes, I am going to work on the things I need to. Still moving slowly and not bringing anything up.


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## Mr_brown

Just be cautious... Could be a sh!t test... She could've given you a nice weekend a great weekend to get you to buy a house? I'm happy for you! Things are looking up, I haven't read all the posts but I hope you Hold onto your N.U.T.'s


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## jdrop01

Mr_brown said:


> Just be cautious... Could be a sh!t test... She could've given you a nice weekend a great weekend to get you to buy a house? I'm happy for you! Things are looking up, I haven't read all the posts but I hope you Hold onto your N.U.T.'s


Buy a house lol no way we are renting.


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## Po12345

Hopefully she remains open and you guys can rebuild trust and stay communicating, that's huge when it comes to rebuilding your marriage. You don't want to "get back to what we had" you want to "get better than ever"


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## CantSitStill

I just want to warn you, she may flip flop and confuse you because she may still be confused herself..hang in there and pray she truly realises she wants to be 100 percent plugged in..it took me a while, I gave Calvin false hope here and there but I was also blinded by my EA.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

Don't forget to check in with us and let us know how you're doing k?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

Hello, hey still been praying for you, give us an update, wanna know things are still going well
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdrop01

Sorry for the long time in between post. Been a little busy with the trip to New York back home taking care of family. So, far we are doing really well. A lot of talking and discussion has been going on throughout the months and we seem to be on a better page now and we understand each other way better than we ever have. Moving into the new rental house this weekend and we have just been enjoying each other. Can't thank everyone enough for all the positive feedback and help. We are working on ourselves after we told each other what each needs to work on and it has been going really smooth. She brought up how much we both have been through with each other and thinks that now that we've hit rock bottom and moving forward that nothing will separate us. She totally flipped around and is more willing to try and work this out like her grandparents for 55yrs she said. She hopes we last that long.


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## CantSitStill

Sounds like you guys are getting back on track  I'm happy for you, we also are both aware on where we need to work on our marriage and we are doing much better. I think alot of couples go thru this..I'm just glad you both handled it better than I did and others have. Thanks for updating us 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

I'm happy to hear things are going good for you.
It was scarey wasnt it? Looks like you two have youre footing now,excellent!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdrop01

Calvin,

Was very scary. I still need to get over on second guessing her as I am still hurt from the whole situation still. I am trying to work on myself on second guessing her dedication but lately I've been doing pretty bad. I don't openly show it but she can tell on have things weighing on my mind. We've done a lot in the past month with the trip to New York and going home for her grandfathers funeral. She has opened up to me 10x more than she ever has. Some reason I still hold onto the thought of her leaving at a drop of a dime. I am trying to shake this thought because it is taking a huge toll on me.


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## calvin

jdrop01 said:


> Calvin,
> 
> Was very scary. I still need to get over on second guessing her as I am still hurt from the whole situation still. I am trying to work on myself on second guessing her dedication but lately I've been doing pretty bad. I don't openly show it but she can tell on have things weighing on my mind. We've done a lot in the past month with the trip to New York and going home for her grandfathers funeral. She has opened up to me 10x more than she ever has. Some reason I still hold onto the thought of her leaving at a drop of a dime. I am trying to shake this thought because it is taking a huge toll on me.


I hear you man,yes it can be scarey but you MUST get to the point in your mind that if she leaves,life will go on and it will,sounds like she doesnt know what she wants.Show strenght,let her know you want to be with her but you will go on without her if thats the way its going to be.You are prepared to move on but you'd rather she goes with you.
CSS knows I'm dealing with our situation and its hard for me but..but she knows its clear I wont live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop,I'm jaded and callous now and I really dont have much of a problem moving foward if she does this again.It wont kill me to let her go and I know I wont have to go through the pain again,I will cut her out of my life,I mean it.Having said that,I will still work on us and do what I have to,no more limbo.Be assertive and strong but dont be a d!ck.
Let me know how things are going man...good luck.Hope this makes sense...I'm tired as a motherf-cker
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdrop01

calvin said:


> I hear you man,yes it can be scarey but you MUST get to the point in your mind that if she leaves,life will go on and it will,sounds like she doesnt know what she wants.Show strenght,let her know you want to be with her but you will go on without her if thats the way its going to be.You are prepared to move on but you'd rather she goes with you.
> CSS knows I'm dealing with our situation and its hard for me but..but she knows its clear I wont live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop,I'm jaded and callous now and I really dont have much of a problem moving foward if she does this again.It wont kill me to let her go and I know I wont have to go through the pain again,I will cut her out of my life,I mean it.Having said that,I will still work on us and do what I have to,no more limbo.Be assertive and strong but dont be a d!ck.
> Let me know how things are going man...good luck.Hope this makes sense...I'm tired as a motherf-cker
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hear you. Time to get back to who I use to be and stop living worried. Because I have and it has been taking a huge toll on me. Living paranoid is not the way to live or go about my life. I do understand if I keep this attitude up that I will only push her away which happened once so it's either I am going to change for this marriage or let it go downhill again. Not going to let that happen again, I truly want this marriage to work and in order to do so I have to make changes.


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## CantSitStill

Calvin's still going through the doubts and we are 4 months along
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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