# I think my H is going to leave me for OW? Help me with the signs!



## Following myGut (Nov 23, 2009)

I have suspected for a few (12) months that my H has been having an affair and I've turned a blind eye for various selfish reasons, but this weekend I finally did some digging and here is what I found:

1. He has been involved with a woman since last December.
2. They see each other at least 1-2 times a week.
3. They speak every day and email/text all day.
4. He started seeing a therapist in August. She knows about the therapy and he never told me about it. (I noticed another thread where a woman was upset that her H didn't tell her about his therapy and our stories are very similar)
5. He has started slowly and subtly moving things (his clothes, his books, his electronics, etc.) to our summer home.

Now I acknowledge that all these signs point to him leaving me, but he agreed to a family vacation (us and our 4 children aged 18-24yrs) over the xmas holidays. So, if he was leaving me, why would he take a family holiday with me and our kids?

Things have not been good in our marriage for a long time (probably a decade) and we've sort of gotten by just putting on a happy face for the outside world. He works a lot, I'm happy to have my alone time, and there is essentially zero physical contact or affection, and I know this is a recipe for disaster, but I'm just not ready for it to end finally.

what do you think? Is he getting ready leave? Should I confront him?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The vacation is purely for the kids. It means nothing for your marriage. 

Will you be financially ok when he leaves you? Because there is clearly nothing left to your marriage and you don't want to be surprised if he drops the bomb. 

I would not support a wife open ended who did not love me. Especially once the youngest kid hits 18. 




Following myGut said:


> I have suspected for a few (12) months that my H has been having an affair and I've turned a blind eye for various selfish reasons, but this weekend I finally did some digging and here is what I found:
> 
> 1. He has been involved with a woman since last December.
> 2. They see each other at least 1-2 times a week.
> ...


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## Following myGut (Nov 23, 2009)

Finances aren't an issue for either of us. Knowing him as I do, I have no doubt that he'll want things to end amicably and take care of me financially.

But why not just go on as we are? Why take the extra step of breaking up our marriage? I guess what bothers me most is that he appears to have fallen in love with someone else. I was fine with the physical, but it's the emotional attachment to another woman that hurts me.

Are there any other signs I should look for? The OW cannot be happy that he is taking a family vacation?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Well you know him best - he may choose not to break up your marriage. If you don't love him - and financially he will be fair with you in a split up, then what is it you will be losing out on in a divorce? 

His challenge is this. He falls in love with the other woman. Eventually she tells him to choose and she means it. So he has to decide if he is willing to yield half his assets to continue the relationship. And he may not, in that case he will end it and quickly find someone else because he now knows how being in love feels and that is not a feeling he will easily give up. 

If I were you I would do the small things on vacation that you know will make the trip more fun for him. Nothing really obvious like sex - which is clearly a dead part of your marriage - but the other stuff. 

If he asks you flat out "do you know?" you should admit that you do and then leave it to him if he wants to discuss it. Because if you hammer him, he is likely to blame it all on the marriage being so bad - a marriage that would have ended were it not for the kids. And now that the kids are grown....

But if you acknowledge it along the lines of - you cannot realistically expect him to be celibate rest of his life, maybe he will try to keep the status quo. 






Following myGut said:


> Finances aren't an issue for either of us. Knowing him as I do, I have no doubt that he'll want things to end amicably and take care of me financially.
> 
> But why not just go on as we are? Why take the extra step of breaking up our marriage? I guess what bothers me most is that he appears to have fallen in love with someone else. I was fine with the physical, but it's the emotional attachment to another woman that hurts me.
> 
> Are there any other signs I should look for? The OW cannot be happy that he is taking a family vacation?


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