# I'm not able to keep up with her wants?



## JHenery (Nov 13, 2013)

After 32 years of Marriage-
Which I think it's a pretty Great Marriage.
It all started 32 years ago- Our Wedding night she was disappointed- not in me but in my performance, It was only one time on our honey moon night and another time 2 days apart, she had been told that when you get home from your Honey Moon by (Her Sister's) that you'll be walking like you road a horse.. That didn't happened-and as peer pressure has it she was disappointed. As a young man I was told to treat her gently don't be a wild man and as you learn together it will be Great, So as I learned from that night and heard of her disappointment, it put up a barrier with in me, that I wasn't so Great.( It felt like belittlement). A few years later as it turned out from this disappointment to her and me, it lead us/me down the road to finding out I had a very low sex drive and a low sperm count. After adopting two children we finely had one of our own.. That was after 8 yrs of trying- allot of money was spent and allot of time invested on trying to have children. We found out then I was the guy with no testosterone my levels were in the toilet. The Dr. told my wife, after I had a biopsy on my testicles, To Dump this guy- He's damaged goods.. Thanks Doc.. And that put a mind set into my wife mind, It didn't help. Over the years our 2 adopted children gave us allot of troubles and fits. In fact to the point 1 of them we no longer see and dealing with these 2 made our love making sessions very hard for me and my wife. We both suffered, she was tired or I was tired.
But as time went on we started to realize, It's been hard for me trying to keep up with her needs- She has what I call a normal sex drive-Idk "And I would sure like to know what that feeling is like." But I have no clue.. Well time marches on, I have tried everything known for men to boost my LT levels, shots for 17 yrs, gels and now the new thing testipills injections every 2.5 months all to keep my levels up there, when these levels are up it seems to be great all though our sex life is still low for her wants, she would like it a least once a week and I'm good with once a month.. We have had marriage consoling over this. I have spent many years trying to convince her that she is #1 and I love her to no end but that never seems to be enough for her either. So in all my years of trying to please my wonderful wife at my age of 54 is once a month way off base for man of my age- Its been a roller coaster all threw our marriage. Some times I'm like the Bunny Energizer Rabbit and other times it's six weeks or longer and we know it's my LT's are way off. She begins to think that I just don't desire her, and when it is way off, it's out of my mind, personally I don't think about sex, I don't even know that time has been spent and it turns into weeks and she's been missing out it's just not on my radar.. And it's causing a ugly problem for us, she thinks she no longer #1 again and she feels that something is wrong with her..And I'm back to square one trying to re-prove that she means the world to me. Over the years I began to think she was extra horny.
But in reality I'm up and down all the time.
I love making Love to my wife when I finely get to that point and all my levels are in sync, but also I just don't need to perform sometimes.. What wrong with my thinking, is there any suggestion that I can change my mind set to help my lack of love making not as long for her and shorten up this cycle??
It's to the point were not taking currently.
Thanks JHenery


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

JHenery said:


> ...Whats wrong with my thinking, is there any suggestion that I can change my mind set to help my lack of love making not as long for her and shorten up this cycle??
> It's to the point were not taking currently.
> Thanks JHenery


I'm puzzled that you didn't mention manual stimulation. Do your fingers suffer from the low-T? I don't even know if that's a serious question...does low-T make you feel like providing such stimulation is odious to you? That she doesn't want that? How about sex toys?


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

oral too, gotta love that


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

To be honest, it sounds less like you "can't" keep up to her needs as much as "can't be bothered". Would it really kill you to take some time out of your day, once a week, to get jiggy with her? You say you love it when it happens, so what's the problem with making an effort to make it happen? To actually make an effort to make it happen more frequently, rather than whenever it occurs to you. Make up a date night once a week; wine her, dine her, date her. And screw each other silly.

You do realize that not meeting your wife's needs puts your marriage at a high risk of one (or both) of two things. Her cheating on you or her leaving you. After one of those thigs happen, will you be able to look yourself in the mirror and say you did everything you could to fix your marriage?

Or perhaps plan b... If sex is so unimportant to you, tell her she's free to go get her fill weekly from someone else. Then her needs are met, you can go back to sex whenever it crosses your mind, everyone wins. Oh, wait... Sex is that magic bonding agent that ties an intimate relationship together, and now she's fallen in love with her partner... Who could have guessed that sex and love were related?

It actually would be possible for her to get her sexual needs met outside the marriage, and possibly with proper boundaries, you could keep your marriage intact as well. But it's a high risk venture. Not one I'd really recommend in an unhealthy marriage.

C


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You can show your wife your desire for her in a number of ways that don't depend on your erection.
1. Compliments, lots and lots of compliments about her sexy body and the dirty thoughts that run through your mind when her see her sexy body.
2. Sexy touches throughout the day. Pats on her bottom, kisses on the back of her neck, grabbing her in a dancing dip mode as you lick and suck on her neck while she makes dinner...
3. As BestYet and Ed mentioned, you can give her orgasms several times a week with your fingers and or tongue and fingers (my personal fav.)
4. Buy a non toxic dildo and some lubricant and wear her ass out with orgasms.

Because your T levels are all over the place sex isn't on your mind so setting a reminder in your calendar. Few times a week to romance her through out the day with compliments and touches, culminating in giving her a few orgasms with whatever implements you have at your disposal will make your wife one very happy lady!

While toys and fingers can never fully replace a husbands lovely erection, they can show your desire for her and your desire to please her and make her happy.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> You can show your wife your desire for her in a number of ways that don't depend on your erection.
> 1. Compliments, lots and lots of compliments about her sexy body and the dirty thoughts that run through your mind when her see her sexy body.
> 2. Sexy touches throughout the day. Pats on her bottom, kisses on the back of her neck, grabbing her in a dancing dip mode as you lick and suck on her neck while she makes dinner...
> 3. As BestYet and Ed mentioned, you can give her orgasms several times a week with your fingers and or tongue and fingers (my personal fav.)
> ...


I LOVE this response Anon Pink!!!!! Great advice and very sexy as well. Right on!!!!:smthumbup:


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

My husband has an average drive, we both do, but mine has always been slightly higher. It's caused many issues with me during the years . Like you said, you just don't think about sex at those times. To you it is not a rejection of your wife. To her it likely hurts every day that goes by and she feels unattractive to you. Both men and women can have a low libido like this - but I think for women it feels extra shameful because of the stereotype that men want sex all the time and it seems every other woman is having to beat their husbands off with a stick (wow, that saying sounds extra weird in a sexual context.) Then there's you. You're the Mrs. Roper with the husband that can't be bothered. It affects the self esteem - how a woman feels about herself and how attractive she is. Over time it erodes the confidence. 

This is the exact same thing that happens to a man in that situation, of course.

The thing is - I have made things important in my life that are important to my husband. There are things I don't care a bit about and wouldn't do on my own that I have learned to do for no other reason than they are important to my husband. That's what you do when you love someone, right? 

While it's not something that you redily desire it is not that difficult to hold a vibrator on your wife a few days a week or take a few minutes to do something sexual with her. It's not fatal or painful - it's only a matter of priorities. 

All of our lives are full of daily things we do that we would probably rather not. It's all part of being a responsible adult. We work, we pay our bills, we clean our houses, we feed our children, we sit through the kids sporting events and Hot Cross Buns musical concerts every year. And yeah, we do things for our spouses that hold little importance to ourselves because we love them and we want them to feel they are loved.


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## JHenery (Nov 13, 2013)

Thanks to all of you guys that have replied. In fact in all of your reply's I have done all of your ideas. The Wining and dining they all have been fun to do and please- I have so traveled down all these roads. it's just plain getting me to that point when I'm down and when I crash my LT's are as low as 87 and when I'm up and maintain my Lt's like 787 and above its much better of course. Keeping this up there is no easy task Ive been doing this for over 20 yrs.
I so appreciate MissScarlett comments and your thoughtfulness." Wow"
Your Quote "The thing is - I have made things important in my life that are important to my husband. There are things I don't care a bit about and wouldn't do on my own that I have learned to do for no other reason than they are important to my husband. That's what you do when you love someone, right?" Your So Right.. Thank You.. for that wisdom.. Wow that shows me just how selfish I've been in her eyes..Man what a let down I've been.. 
I need to learn just how to implement all of your good comments and continue with these and some how change my way of thinking so it don't become a retinue hardship on me- Like I said when I'm up I'm up and doing fine. And as the natural man in us all- I think of it just the same. Some times it finding the time that's very hard for sure- we all go threw that.. But like I also said when it's not there it's like you could show me every thing from dancing naked women and line them up in front of me and in my mind (My) agenda is to complete what ever task there is that's is on or in my mind get it over and done with. And if there's not anything else to finish up then my mind starts to revert to the fun times and thoughts of my bride that I have been neglecting. it's only a matter of priorities your right and being responsible. Thanks again missscarlett. I'll try and rekindle all of these suggestion's- Its been 32 years and I do Love my Bride and I'm no quitter.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

hum............unbelieveable


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

edbopc said:


> hum............unbelieveable


Agreed. Sometimes I read just a few words from a stranger, and I feel I understand them -- maybe even better than they understand themselves. Then other times I feel clueless. How could some hormonal deficiency cause someone, even after decades of marriage, to feel it's a surprise that one does things "for no other reason than they are important" to one's spouse?

JHenry, I agree you've gotten some good advice here! But I'm curious (maybe I should say "I'm ignorant"). Can you explain what's going on with the low-t business? It appears it's more than just limited erections and lacksadasical desire, because there have been lots of stories posted about low-t supposedly causing more profound marriage problems.

How very many people, men and women equally, seem unable to say in a true, heartfelt way, "I love you, and even though there limits to what my body can do, I understand and will do the things I can to prove my love." And actually do it. To be cynical, I tend to think the real reasons have little to do with whatever their stated reason is, hormonal or otherwise.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

If you love your wife, you'll give her the attention in that area she is seeking to keep her satisfied...I know I certainly would have taken action if mine had these needs.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

bestyet2be said:


> JHenry, I agree you've gotten some good advice here! But I'm curious (maybe I should say "I'm ignorant"). Can you explain what's going on with the low-t business? It appears it's more than just limited erections and lacksadasical desire, because there have been lots of stories posted about low-t supposedly causing more profound marriage problems.
> 
> How very many people, men and women equally, seem unable to say in a true, heartfelt way, "I love you, and even though there limits to what my body can do, I understand and will do the things I can to prove my love." And actually do it. To be cynical, I tend to think the real reasons have little to do with whatever their stated reason is, hormonal or otherwise.


What a lot of people don't realize, when your T-LVL drop (or bottom out - 87 is crashing hard - no pun) you have no desire for almost anything. Even the most simple task becomes (going in to work for example) akin to climbing mt everest.

Men are left with a "why bother", "who cares" , and "what ever" attitude. 

Everything can hurt (joints, back ,finger, knees, legs, neck ...). Making simple decisions is like running through a pool - it can be done, but it is slow, taxing, and exhausting. Any physical exertion can and will exhaust you for no reason (going to the bathroom can and sometimes does require you to take a nap!).

Most people have no concept of how out of character a man becomes when his T-LVLs drop. A simple kiss or shoulder touch never comes to mind. Sex isn't even thought of. Not that you don't want sex, the idea just doesn't form in your mind. Your wife could be the hottest, most desirable woman in the world and it won't cross your mind to be intimate with her!

Here is a really good example - think of a person who has diabetes. When their blood sugars drop too low, they will act differently - even act as if they are intoxicated. They can't help it. Once they correct their blood sugar levels, they act "normal" again. Do you fault the diabetic?

T-LVLs are the same (except you won't die if your levels get too low). When a man's levels drop below 250 (ish), you simply don't act like a normal, virile male. You act as an uncaring, selfish, sometime whiney, little boy and you can't help it - much like the diabetic whose sugar levels have fallen too low.



bestyet2be said:


> To be cynical, I tend to think the real reasons have little to do with whatever their stated reason is, hormonal or otherwise.


 This statement here shows why 100% of women and all men with normal T-LVLS have no clue how important a normal T-LVL is in a male. With Low T-LVLs, you simply do not function correctly and it is something that requires outside help - understanding wife and medication. Do you treat a diabetic differently because they don't act correctly when their blood sugars are too low or too high? Do you fault a woman who has a real tough time with PMS during her period? No - you work through the issue with your partner



IndyTMI said:


> If you love your wife, you'll give her the attention in that area she is seeking to keep her satisfied...I know I certainly would have taken action if mine had these needs.


I don't believe you fully grasp how large a problem low T-LVLs are. If your levels crashed - you WOULDN'T be taking any actions becsaue you simply WOULDN'T care.

To be fair to the OP


JHenery said:


> shots for 17 yrs, gels and now the new thing testipills injections every 2.5 months all to keep my levels up there,


He is trying - 17 years of shot and testpills injections every 2.5 month is not doing nothing (pardon my extremely poor grammar)!

You simply do NOT have the drive to be a virile male. Worse - with crashing T-LVLs, you don't really care either and you CAN'T help feeling/being that way!


JHenery - I am in the same boat as you - my T-LVLs are as low (and times lower) than yours. You have to work on your known up cycles between injections. Buy toys - I have a crate of them. Even if you can't perform, find toys that she likes and destroy her with them. Make her come with all sorts of toys, in all sorts of positions, in all sorts of places in your house multiple times a week. What I found was that while it didn't cure my inability to perform, it did give my male ego a lot of satisfaction knowing that I could torture her with orgasms till she was begging me to stop. Then we would have the intimate time afterwards where she was satisfied. Then she would pretty much drain me dry on days I could perform because she was so hopped up for the real thing. You have to make a concerted effort to make this change and then make it a required (NOT DUTY) activity.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

snerg said:


> I don't believe you fully grasp how large a problem low T-LVLs are. If your levels crashed - you WOULDN'T be taking any actions becsaue you simply WOULDN'T care.


I could have no desire at all, but I would still want to make sure my partner is satisfied...not doing so would make me selfish and put me in a place where I would only care about her's when it was convenient for me...that is not love. With love comes sacrifices and commitment.

Your comment...below goes against what you just commented about mine, no?


> Buy toys - I have a crate of them. Even if you can't perform, find toys that she likes and destroy her with them. Make her come with all sorts of toys, in all sorts of positions, in all sorts of places in your house multiple times a week. What I found was that while it didn't cure my inability to perform, it did give my male ego a lot of satisfaction knowing that I could torture her with orgasms till she was begging me to stop. Then we would have the intimate time afterwards where she was satisfied. Then she would pretty much drain me dry on days I could perform because she was so hopped up for the real thing. You have to make a concerted effort to make this change and then make it a required (NOT DUTY) activity.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

I firmly believe that some folks are "wired" for sexuality, and some are not- many of us here have spouses that are NOT, and couldn't give a flying care, at least here is one facing his problem head on and actively seeking solutions- credit where credit is due. my wife would never go there, that's for sure.

the poster said he's tried the test replacement therapy, and still ok with once per month/6 weeks. he's obviously tried to find a solution, but is just not a "sexual" person. no onus on him, this stuff isn't taught in school, our parents don't sit us down and explain it in most cases. 

I do not believe you can MAKE yourself sexual...but you can make yourself remember to perform sexual acts for your spouse, as has been pointed out already. 
being continuously not desired by your partner DOES have HUGE impact psychologically, any of us in that position can relate. you realize that you have a problem OP, and you now have some solutions- do your relationship a favor and seriously pursue these solutions.


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## LadyDee (Oct 1, 2013)

> Most people have no concept of how out of character a man becomes when his T-LVLs drop. A simple kiss or shoulder touch never comes to mind. Sex isn't even thought of. Not that you don't want sex, the idea just doesn't form in your mind. Your wife could be the hottest, most desirable woman in the world and it won't cross your mind to be intimate with her!


This goes both ways and men here need to realize, that women too feel bad when that urge/drive libido is gone and even though they love their husbands the need/thoughts/urge for sex just isn't there. It hurts for *both* men and women, even though neither of them may say anything. It's easier sometimes to just push it aside and suffer in silence.

For me, after thinking it was the way it was suppose to be, to the way I know it is now with the help/treatment I have found, I will never give up getting that help to feel better in more ways than just sexual. I may be older, but refuse to listen to most doctors telling you there isn't anything you can do, but rather to those that are willing and able to find the way back.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

IndyTMI said:


> I could have no desire at all, but I would still want to make sure my partner is satisfied...not doing so would make me selfish and put me in a place where I would only care about her's when it was convenient for me...that is not love. With love comes sacrifices and commitment.


You're missing a point. You have no want or desire to make sure your partner is satisfied. It's not about being selfish or being convenient. The thought no longer enters your mind.
It has no weight nor bearing. It's just not there.



IndyTMI said:


> Your comment...below goes against what you just commented about mine, no?


Yes and no.

Yes because you have to do something. You are with someone that needs you and your intimacy.

No because you're not fully understanding how bad it is when the T-LVLs crash. It's not as simple as "I'll just go and do what ever it takes to not be selfish" or "if I loved someone I would do what ever it takes". Those lines of thought don't factor in. They simply don't exist for your frame of reference.

You have to make a tremendous effort to make the changes and then make them a required (NOT DUTY) activity. It's much more difficult than you can imagine - it is much more taxing than believable.

It truly is a monumental task which requires work on both partners.

I think I might be failing to articulate exactly how bad it actually is when you are low or have no testosterone in your body. If there are others, please add to this post because I don't believe people that don't experience or have this issue, understand how bad it can get.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

bestyet2be said:


> I'm puzzled that you didn't mention manual stimulation. Do your fingers suffer from the low-T? I don't even know if that's a serious question...does low-T make you feel like providing such stimulation is odious to you? That she doesn't want that? How about sex toys?


That was my first thought too, fingers and tongue broken?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

badcompany said:


> That was my first thought too, fingers and tongue broken?


You're missing the point.

It's not that you don't want to - the thought just never enters into the equation.



JHenery said:


> other times it's six weeks or longer and we know it's my LT's are way off. She begins to think that I just don't desire her, *and when it is way off, it's out of my mind, personally I don't think about sex, I don't even know that time has been spent and it turns into weeks and she's been missing out it's just not on my radar..*


This is an important feeling that people with normal T-LVLs simply don't or can't understand. You simply don't have any thoughts of sex or intimacy


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

snerg said:


> Buy toys - I have a crate of them. Even if you can't perform, find toys that she likes and destroy her with them. Make her come with all sorts of toys, in all sorts of positions, in all sorts of places in your house multiple times a week. What I found was that while it didn't cure my inability to perform, it did give my male ego a lot of satisfaction knowing that I *could torture her with orgasms till she was begging me to stop.* Then we would have the intimate time afterwards where she was satisfied. Then she would pretty much drain me dry on days I could perform because she was so hopped up for the real thing. You have to make a concerted effort to make this change and then make it a required (NOT DUTY) activity.


Ummmmmm ....

Yes Please!!!!!


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Yeah, I'm not grasping the thought that because you have low T that you somehow forget about your partner's needs. That's like saying you forget to go to work every day!


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

LadyDee said:


> This goes both ways and men here need to realize, that women too feel bad when that urge/drive libido is gone and even though they love their husbands the need/thoughts/urge for sex just isn't there. It hurts for *both* men and women, even though neither of them may say anything. It's easier sometimes to just push it aside and suffer in silence.
> 
> For me, after thinking it was the way it was suppose to be, to the way I know it is now with the help/treatment I have found, I will never give up getting that help to feel better in more ways than just sexual. I may be older, but refuse to listen to most doctors telling you there isn't anything you can do, but rather to those that are willing and able to find the way back.


Lady Dee,

Could you please let us know what it was that helped you?

I would be very interested to share this with my wife.

Thanks


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

IndyTMI said:


> Yeah, I'm not grasping the thought that because you have low T that you somehow forget about your partner's needs. That's like saying you forget to go to work every day!


You don't forget. That's the concept that people can't get their mind around.


The thought simply isn't there anymore. The feeling isn't there anymore.


You think no more of sex and intimacy. It's as if it's been removed and you act as if this is completely normal.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

snerg said:


> You don't forget. That's the concept that people can't get their mind around.
> 
> 
> The thought simply isn't there anymore. The feeling isn't there anymore.
> ...


If you once had thoughts about sex, but during low T times it's no longer a thought, isn't that forgetting?

I understand that the interest and desire of the low T individual goes away, but to ignore and not think about your partner's wants and needs is inexcusable, IMHO

It's like somehow you are saying that during low T times, your wife turns into just a room mate and no longer your wife....not acceptable.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

IndyTMI said:


> If you once had thoughts about sex, but during low T times it's no longer a thought, isn't that forgetting?
> 
> I understand that the interest and desire of the low T individual goes away, but to ignore and not think about your partner's wants and needs is inexcusable, IMHO
> 
> It's like somehow you are saying that during low T times, your wife turns into just a room mate and no longer your wife....not acceptable.


Whether or not it is acceptable - whether or not you believe it, that's what happens.

An example where you might grasp what's going on would be a diabetic.I have a buddy that has had conversations when his sugars have dropped and when the sugar levels have been corrected - he will not remember those conversations. To him, they never occurred. I have even video taped episodes where he has gone crazy dancing around in a restaurant and he is absolutely amazed that he has no recollection of the events.

While yes - I do agree, my friend is responsible for what is said and what he does while his sugars are low. However, I do recognize that is something beyond his control and he is not in the right frame and I will not hold what he has said or done against him.

Another example would a person with depression. They don't realize how they make people around them feel because the depression has them locked into a state of sadness. Many things simply cease to exist for them.

That's the same with people that have low or no testosterone. You don't even realize that you are not there for your partner.

Again whether or not that is acceptable is really irrelevant. It is something beyond the person with Low T control. 

It takes a strong woman who is willing to work to fix the problem, to work with her man to correct the issue.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

snerg said:


> ...you're not fully understanding how bad it is when the T-LVLs crash. It's not as simple as "I'll just go and do what ever it takes to not be selfish" or "if I loved someone I would do what ever it takes". Those lines of thought don't factor in. They simply don't exist for your frame of reference.
> 
> You have to make a tremendous effort to make the changes and then make them a required (NOT DUTY) activity. It's much more difficult than you can imagine - it is much more taxing than believable.
> 
> ...


Thank you snerg. It seemed like there must be a lot more to this that I wasn't getting.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

bestyet2be said:


> Thank you snerg. It seemed like there must be a lot more to this that I wasn't getting.


I am lucky. For me, TRT (Testosterone Replacement Therapy) has worked remarkably well.

I'll give a great example of how bad I was getting and didn't realize what I was doing. Hopefully, this shows how insidious low T levels can be. After two months on TRT, my kid spilled some milk. He looked at me like deer in headlights. I told him "don't look at me, go grab a towel and clean it up". After he cleaned it up, he asked "aren't you going to yell?"

That really confused me - "why would I yell because of spilled milk?" His next line really confused me, "dad, you yell about everything"

I talked with my SO and she confirmed that I had been yelling at everyone for months about anything and everything.

There are times when yelling does need to occur. Yelling upstairs to wake your kids. Yell from in that garage to tell your kids to get a move on so you can drop them off at school on your way to work. unfortunately,I was yelling all the time. 

After two months of TRT, my constant yelling stopped and I no longer was yelling all the time. I didn't even know I was doing that. If you held a gun to my head, I would tell that I was the calmest person on the planet and that I never raised my voice - ever.

That's just one tiny facet of how Low T affects a male.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Ok, I don't need TRT, so I don't have a clear understanding of what you're going through physically. But if my partner has made it clear that she has needs that I have to address, if I love her I'll work at improving how those needs are met.

An example... My STBX was diagnosed with Celiac Disease late in our marriage. She could no longer eat wheat. So did I continue on my merry way, eating and buying whatever groceries I wanted? No. I researched her condition till I knew more about it than she did. When we went out to eat, I would go online first and find out what GF options were available at our destination. I taught myself to bake a bunch of GF desserts JUST BECAUSE her selection of treats was very limited. 

I didn't receive any benefit from any of these things myself. The only reason it was even in my radar screens was because it was important to my STBX. 

So take the 10 minutes out of your day to set up a calendar reminder to make love to your wife every Friday at 10pm, if that's what it takes. Yes, it might be unromantic (so don't let her know). But it's a step in meeting her needs. The more you get into a habit of addressing her physical needs (by touching her, for example), the more it becomes second nature. Even if you don't get anything from it. 

Just my $0.02...

C


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Sorry but this doesn't make sense.

You already KNOW that you are LD and have low T. It's not a shock to you. Put a reminder in your calendar or something man! There is no excuse to forget. Just zero.

LD or no drive being married means you should have sex with your partner. Unless you are deliberately avoiding making the effort there is no reason that the thought won't cross your mind throughout a six week period.

I'm not trying to be mean or rude. My wife is pretty much zero drive. But even she knows I need it and it crosses her mind even though she doesn't want to do anything about it.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

PBear said:


> if I love her I'll work at improving how those needs are met.


This is a misconception that people with normal T-LVLs have. You'll just make the change.

It doesn't happen because the thought DOES NOT EXIST for you anymore. It's not because you don't love your partner - you no longer have those thoughts.




PBear said:


> I didn't receive any benefit from any of these things myself. The only reason it was even in my radar screens was because it was important to my STBX.


To follow your example (let's change it to sex and intimacy because you would still cognizant of the fact that she could no longer eat as she used to and you would make changes accordingly) - if you had Low T or your T-LVLs crashed - you wouldn't even have the thoughts of doing the research, the baking, the checking locations for GF food - you wouldn't becasue the ideas, notions, thoughts no longer exist.




PBear said:


> So take the 10 minutes out of your day to set up a calendar reminder to make love to your wife every Friday at 10pm, if that's what it takes. Yes, it might be unromantic (so don't let her know). But it's a step in meeting her needs.


Completely agree. You have to shift your paradigm.




PBear said:


> The more you get into a habit of addressing her physical needs (by touching her, for example), the more it becomes second nature. Even if you don't get anything from it.


Ah. Here's the misunderstanding.

It doesn't become second nature. It never become second nature without treatment. No amount of notification, of repetition, or self reminding will make it second nature.

The thoughts do not exist - you do not even realize that they do not exist.

I think that's the concept people aren't grasping.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

sinnister said:


> There is no excuse to forget. Just zero.


This is a misconception - you don't forget - you no longer have the thoughts. It's not like you forgot where you put your keys the night before. It would be like you no longer realized that you had keys.




sinnister said:


> LD or no drive being married means you should have sex with your partner. Unless you are deliberately avoiding making the effort there is no reason that the thought won't cross your mind throughout a six week period.


You're misunderstanding. The thought doesn't cross your mind because you are avoiding.

The thought is no longer there. The desire is no longer there.

That's something that people with normal T-LVLs have a really difficult time comprehending. 





sinnister said:


> I'm not trying to be mean or rude. My wife is pretty much zero drive. But even she knows I need it and it crosses her mind even though she doesn't want to do anything about it.


While this seems the same. It's not. Not wanting it because you simply don't want it, is not the same as not wanting it because you no longer have the thoughts about it. Wow. That's pretty much clear as mud. Let me explain about me.

In my case, I was extremely HD. I could easily have sex 5 times a day, every day - even in to my early 40's. I was like an Alabama leg hound. I couldn't get enough.

Then one day with out sex passed, then two, then a week, then weeks. 

This is the part that normal T-LVL people need to read and understand *It was several months before I realized I hadn't had sex. Not only that, I had no desire - actually more than that - I hadn't had a thought regarding sex for so long that I didn't remember.* 

I think the last time that happened I was probably 11 or 12. I realized that i hadn't looked at my SO in a sexual way for a long period of time (she didn't say anything because we were having other issues)

I knew there was issues then (well to be honest, there were other factors as well, but that was the big trigger for me to get help) and I went to my doctor to see what was wrong. Turns out I have almost no testosterone.

After a few months of TRT, I started to notice my SO and started wanting sex again. It was a weird feeling - almost like coming out of a blizzard. You see nothing and them POW - you can see a house.

This will be a tough one to understand. I don't always have the desire to have sex, but I do have the want. The want would be more part of the intellectual side - what can I do to her to make her cum bigger and harder or what can I change to make her cum faster or better get caught up in rapid fire multiple that make it next to impossible to tell me stop or my biggest want would be to make her squirt like a pornstar (hey - you have your goals, I have mine). 

These have been conscious changes I had to make and continue to make while getting treatment. I will tell you that the longer I do TRT, the less of a conscious act it is and the more of an unconscious act it is becoming (which is what it needs to be)


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## JHenery (Nov 13, 2013)

Thanks Every One-
Just had another Testipills Injection this morning and a blood draw for my T Levels- I should be climbing back up very soon. Talking with my Doc today- He's saying it's finding the right does e and staying consistent about it. This new Testipill stays longer in your system 3 to 4 months for the average male- nothing like the shots I've been giving my self for the past 20 yrs... Boy it sure make your butt tough over the years.:rofl: That being said you also have your Ester-son levels to keep up on and to over come as well, I just learned that this, this past year 2013 while my Testosterone levels were climbing up ward- my ester-son levels were taking all it could and throwing it out of my system- So now I also take a ester-son blocker to help that situation. So Hopefully I'll be able to maintain what most of you walk around do as normal. I did find out 20 yrs ago that my podiatry gland wasn't doing it's job. Anyway I can stay some what maintained threw all this I hope.. Well to Tell all "Yes" ( Snerg..) I relate to all your comments and I feel what your feeling as well".. I live it every day Bud..
When you crash your right nothing seems to feel right and it's Like the feeling.
OF " Did I Miss the Road I was on and I drove off and found this laid back life of May-berry" Waiting to turn back around and re-enter the free way all most like a dream. But at the same time your very short with your own family and Loved ones,
VERY SHORT..
But your right Low/T's do affect you.. it's take's away all your usual excitement for doing thing's in life.. And I love going places and seeing people and doing things. When I'm up my energy my life is full. My wife has noticed that I'm more moody when I get this way when I'm down of course. She Really Great I have to tell you this and yes she sexy and gorgeous to let you all know she really is-I know it and " I see it from on looker's all the time." I don't know how's she put up with me..
She deserve's this Idea in her hart and mind. That's she should not have to worry and that she is #1 to me.. Man that Kills me to think she feels unwanted like this. Wow. I just have to admit I need to take the time and stay focused as "miss scarlet" said and use all of your suggestion.. Thanks JHenery


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## Rebfjecca (Nov 16, 2013)

action if mine had these needs.


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## LadyDee (Oct 1, 2013)

Always Learning said:


> Lady Dee,
> 
> Could you please let us know what it was that helped you?
> 
> ...


AlwaysLearning, I have Bioidentical Hormone Testosterone Pellets inserted every 4-6 months. You can research on line and find information for both men and women, it is basically the same procedure for both, just different mg levels inserted. An average woman's testosterone level is between 6-45ng and a mans, depending on age can be from 300-1200ng ... big difference, but when the levels are low, they can produce many of the same symptoms. Many women also need estrogen/progesterone which also can be inserted this same way. This all can be determined by blood tests that the physician does beforehand to determine hormone levels.

Snerg, thank you for posts, trying to explain just how it feels when levels of T are basically gone or so low you no longer have those urges/wants/drive for many other things in life. If one hasn't been there, there is just no understanding just how this feels. This isn't something that ONLY men experience either, women go through it too and some people can experience T loss as early as their 20's. Through my research before I had this done, I found women in their 20's who have been doing this for years because of problems they had. I have family members in their 30's that are now also having this done and finding help.

JHenery it sounds like you have had these pellets inserted too and I hope they soon kick in and you feel better, I can almost bet you will. My H is now thinking about these pellets, I think I am wearing him out, , but first is taking the E-blocker before any pellet insertion,to bring estradiol levels down. 

We have learned that even though one gets these pellets they can convert to Estradiol in men and if those levels are already high for whatever reason, you can work to get those levels down with medication. It's all a journey, one that we never stop following, at any age.


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## JHenery (Nov 13, 2013)

Thanks LayDee..


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

JHenery,

I have been on these pellets for over 5 years. They are awesome and life changing.


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## LadyDee (Oct 1, 2013)

I Notice The Details said:


> JHenery,
> 
> I have been on these pellets for over 5 years. They are awesome and life changing.


How long do they last before being replaced, you being a man?


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

My H is low T too and doesn't have sex on his mind much either. Last night I asked for 15 minutes a week. I asked if he had a spare 15 minutes and he asked for what. Then I'll build on the 15 minutes! It needs to be a priority to you if its a priority to your wife. My H doesn't mean to reject me, but he does and makes me feel very unloved and unwanted. Every action has a consequence, good and bad. I hope you can give your wife 15 minutes.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

LadyDee said:


> How long do they last before being replaced, you being a man?


I go about 4 months. I have gone longer, but that is usually how long they last for me. I am a pretty active guy. They really work well. I also take an Anastrozole 1 Mg tablet once per week to keep the estrogen levels down to where the should be. Never had a problem in 5 years.


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## LadyDee (Oct 1, 2013)

I Notice The Details said:


> I go about 4 months. I have gone longer, but that is usually how long they last for me. I am a pretty active guy. They really work well. I also take an Anastrozole 1 Mg tablet once per week to keep the estrogen levels down to where the should be. Never had a problem in 5 years.



Thank you, my H is taking Anastrozole now, his Estradiol is high without him getting pellets, and maybe getting pellets too, just wondering how long they last for a man. I know they put many more pellets in for a man than a woman per procedure.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

LadyDee said:


> Thank you, my H is taking Anastrozole now, his Estradiol is high without him getting pellets, and maybe getting pellets too, just wondering how long they last for a man. I know they put many more pellets in for a man than a woman per procedure.


I get 10 pellets and they are much larger that the testosterone pellet given to women. The incision site is sore for a few days, but then I am good to go for 3 - 4 months. Funny thing, when my massage therapist lady massages my glutes....the next day, I am horny as hell. It seems that massaging where those pellets are activates them as well. Had sex 3 times in one day after my last massage. Nice!!! :smthumbup:


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## LadyDee (Oct 1, 2013)

I Notice The Details said:


> I get 10 pellets and they are much larger that the testosterone pellet given to women. The incision site is sore for a few days, but then I am good to go for 3 - 4 months. Funny thing, when my massage therapist lady massages my glutes....the next day, I am horny as hell. It seems that massaging where those pellets are activates them as well. Had sex 3 times in one day after my last massage. Nice!!! :smthumbup:


I get 1-100mg pellet .. the best time is when they peak, I feel like I am 20 again and I think I wear my H out, but he always says he will suffer through it :smthumbup: ... :rofl:


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

LadyDee said:


> I get 1-100mg pellet .. the best time is when they peak, I feel like I am 20 again and I think I wear my H out, but he always says he will suffer through it :smthumbup: ... :rofl:


I think most men would love to "suffer" thru their wife's high sex drive. I know I would if it ever happens.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

snerg said:


> Whether or not it is acceptable - whether or not you believe it, that's what happens.
> 
> An example where you might grasp what's going on would be a diabetic.I have a buddy that has had conversations when his sugars have dropped and when the sugar levels have been corrected - he will not remember those conversations. To him, they never occurred. I have even video taped episodes where he has gone crazy dancing around in a restaurant and he is absolutely amazed that he has no recollection of the events.
> 
> ...


Sorry, if a diabetic or a diagnosed depressed person were not taking their meds and acting irresponsibly after being diagnosed by a medical professional, then yes - absolutely it is their fault and no one else's to take heir meds, see their dr., check their blood sugar levels, and be healthy. 

I'm diagnosed bipolar. Before I was diagnosed my entire family was affected and miserable. If I were to stop treatment, who should be blamed? The condition, or me for not continuing treatment?

If a person is AWARE they have a medical condition, hormonal, physical, mental, and it affects their loved ones because they consciously avoid treatment - sorry. You're the one to blame. 

And your friend needs to check his sugar. Super odd for it to drop off so low while at a dining establishment.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

THenery, I think you know what you should be doing medically for yourself and sexually for your wife, with all the suggestions posted here but have you considered first of all, forgiving yourself? being compassionate with yourself? If you continue to badmouth, belittle, and disrespect yourself as much as you have in these posts, no wonder you have problems...I am entirely sympathetic to your situation but if you do all the things you know you should, follow the better suggestions posted, you are doing all you can! You should feel good about yourself and not beat yourself up so much...that can't be good for relating sexually with your wife! Open up all the other numerous ways to be intimate with your wife: starting with long deep conversation and relax!


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

notmarriedyet said:


> I'm diagnosed bipolar. Before I was diagnosed my entire family was affected and miserable. If I were to stop treatment, who should be blamed? The condition, or me for not continuing treatment?


While I do agree it would be ultimately your fault for not taking your medicine - it is also something that is beyond your control. I'm not familiar with BiPolar medication - can you ever miss a day? Does it work with other forms of medication (i.e. nothing you take - say an antibiotic - would counteract it without you knowing)? What do you do if the batch of medicine was bad, mixed incorrectly, or was some generic garbage that didn't work? More than likely, you're not going to act correctly - do you still get to be held responsible (again ultimately you are responsible, however are you guilty)?




notmarriedyet said:


> If a person is AWARE they have a medical condition, hormonal, physical, mental, and it affects their loved ones because they consciously avoid treatment - sorry. You're the one to blame.


Not sure where this is coming from. No one is consciously avoiding treatment.



notmarriedyet said:


> And your friend needs to check his sugar. Super odd for it to drop off so low while at a dining establishment.


Not sure how many diabetic people you interact with - but this isn't odd at all. I have a lot of friends who are diabetic - sometimes you estimate your levels incorrectly and it can lead to issues.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

MissFroggie said:


> I'm quite shocked at the comparisons to other medical conditions being made here.


Comparisons are given to try to help those not affected understand. They are by no means a direct comparison and should only be used as a guide or frame of reference.




MissFroggie said:


> If he was so completely unable to think then how does he function at all, how can you keep a job? You are aware enough to post this problem here, but then there are excuses that you just don't think about it then.


I think you are misunderstanding the issue. It is not unable to think. It's not that at all. The thoughts are gone. Big difference. You still function (depends on the individual) - you just no longer have thoughts or desires for sex.




MissFroggie said:


> I really think you need to find ways to look after your partner's needs though if you are to keep her. Even if she'd never leave you, she might leave you on an emotional level as she loses her self-worth and confidence.


Two points here:
Point 1 - as I have stated before - yes you need to make changes you are in a relationship with someone that needs you. However, the reality is that you don't think of if.
point 2 -as I have stated before - It takes a strong woman who is willing to work to fix the problem, to work with her man to correct the issue. A strong woman will understand and MAKE her man be what he needs to be with out loss of her self confidence (because she realizes/understands, without TRT, this is something beyond his control) This also goes for the husbands with wives that have no testosterone and are doing their treatments (See LadyDee's post)

Also - please remember. I am not excusing or justifying at all. I'm just trying to give a view that those with normal T-LVLs can attempt to relate to.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

MissFroggie said:


> Having no sex drive may be out of his control, but making regular date nights and giving her a bit of tongue action or getting out 'the toys' is not. I am not misunderstanding and it _does_ sound to me that you are making excuses and justifying not taking care of his wife's sexual needs.


But you are misunderstanding it. That's the problem. You are assuming that there are excuses being made. You are assuming that justifications are being made. What you're not understanding is that it's not that you don't want to do things, It's not that you don't want to have sex (this depends on the individual). It's not that you don't want to be intimate. THERE SIMPLY IS NO THOUGHT. The thoughts and desires of intimacy and sex are simply gone. 





MissFroggie said:


> After giving birth it is advised not to have sex for at least 6 weeks - for my partner that was 6 weeks of bjs. I'm not going to expect him to go without just because I can't.


While you explain how you service your husband while you were physically incapable, it's not the same thing. With Low/no testosterone, you would not have even considered servicing your husband. The thought would never even been considered. Not because you're selfish or uncaring. You no longer have those thoughts. They have been removed from you and you act accordingly.




MissFroggie said:


> There are plenty of 'reasons' used to justify not giving a partner the attention they deserve and need - work commitments, children, medical conditions, etc etc - but explaining those things and focusing on the reason it takes more effort does not empower the OP or help him change the situation.


This is part of the misunderstanding. This is the major assumption that people with normal T-LVLs make. You're just making excuses and justifications.




MissFroggie said:


> The solutions in all of the above examples are pretty much the same 1) address the issue inhibiting you 2) make sure you do remember your responsibilities 3) make this part of your routine so it becomes easier to keep it going.


This is another assumption. You Low T-LVL person, you just need to remember to think about sex and intimacy.
No one has said not to do this. No one disagrees that this isn't the solution. I have even posted that bit of information. What I have been attempting (and I would say poorly) is explain that this process that people with normal T-LVLs take for granted because you can do that with any issues, is an exceptional difficult reality. 




MissFroggie said:


> make a date night with his wife every week; use alternative methods to look after his wife's needs.


Yes - this has already been recommended.



MissFroggie said:


> This is my opinion and I don't think it would change much if I became an expert in the condition itself.


I sincerely hope you never need to become an expert. As an expert, I guarantee that you will be quite surprised at the changes that occur and the inability to have the thought of sex and desire for intimacy. You may want to read up on LadyDee's posts on her trials about getting her T-LVLs corrected


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

snerg said:


> But you are misunderstanding it. That's the problem. You are assuming that there are excuses being made. You are assuming that justifications are being made. What you're not understanding is that it's not that you don't want to do things, It's not that you don't want to have sex (this depends on the individual). It's not that you don't want to be intimate. THERE SIMPLY IS NO THOUGHT. The thoughts and desires of intimacy and sex are simply gone.


So, as it has been suggested before and there is no reason, excuse or justification for not doing so...put a reminder on the calendar to give the wife what she needs. No amount or lack there of of T can prevent you from ignoring or not think about your wife's sexual needs when you have a reminder of it.

How can the thought not be there when you are being reminded to do so?
IMHO, not creating a reminder to ensure the wife's sexual needs be met is where there is certainly a lack of caring on the man's part.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Anyone other than me, getting tired of the posters who cant do this or cant do that? I mean, I get it if you have no sexual desire, thank god its not me, but I get it. But you know, I don't like taking out the trash, I don't think of it often, but I know its something that needs done. So I do, every Thur morning.... I take out the trash. 
I can not believe that your hands hurt so much that you cant put a finger in your wifes V, wiggle it around, until she screams with joy. I believe your attitude shows a complete selfishness on your part. You don't really care, if you did, you would WANT her to be pleased. Heck once a week isn't all that much, I bet your hands can take that amount of pounding. Really, OP, really?


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## LittleBlackBird (Nov 23, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> You can show your wife your desire for her in a number of ways that don't depend on your erection.
> 1. Compliments, lots and lots of compliments about her sexy body and the dirty thoughts that run through your mind when her see her sexy body.
> 2. Sexy touches throughout the day. Pats on her bottom, kisses on the back of her neck, grabbing her in a dancing dip mode as you lick and suck on her neck while she makes dinner...
> 3. As BestYet and Ed mentioned, you can give her orgasms several times a week with your fingers and or tongue and fingers (my personal fav.)
> ...


Great response. I know that for many years, when we were trying to have kids, then eventually had them, me working long hours, I didn't have much interest and he did. Now, oddly, our tables are turned! I want it waaay more than he does. I think some of this came because I started reading romance stories and remembering what it was like when things were hot. We have good sex, but now I want great sex back. Lol

I might suggest the same to you. Pick up one of those cheesy, hot alpha male smut books, the dirty ones, and read over them to get some new ideas on what you can do to spice it up for her. It might even make it interesting or a good challenge to see how many ways you can surprise her.


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