# Kids asking why mommy moved away. need help!



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I posted the following in the Divorced forum but now feel maybe the following question is more appropriate on this board.

I have 2 kids, 11(G) and 6(B) and they've had their minor struggles that are to be expected during my divorce. And yes, I've been taking them to "play therapy" since November. 
So the other day, my daughter blew up over something with her brother and yelled at me that I made mommy move away from us. You see, after my wife's affair that lasted for months and eventually died a magnificant death, she also was demoted from her work (the affair occured while she was working).
So she left to live with her cousin(which gave her ****ty advice) to get "better" but turned out she decided to stay and look for work...and date other people. 
Well, back to my daughter. She believed I was the reason for making mommy leave. Which is the furthest thing from the truth. Without telling her the real reasons mommy left, I told her what I tried to do to keep the family better. That seemed to make her feel a little better. 
Then, last night she asked her mom why she decided to live up there? Mommy gave her the same BS response which was, I looked for work in both places, but was only offered a job here. We live in Houston, she lives in Minneapolis. It took her 6 months to finally land a job there. To my knowledge, she never looked here. Besides, she lived up there during her job search. Duh! It was sad. She kept asking my daughter if the answer was a good enough answer. Like it was so FN obvious it was a crap answer. I didn't say anything, but bit my lip. Her mother lives with a divorced single dad whose kids visit often because mom lives nearby(what a novel idea, right?). But hearing this guy's kids tell my daughter about the stuff they do with my daughter's mommy just kills me. It sucks seeing my sweet kids go through this undeserving BS. My daughter told me later last night that she is reading a book about a boy whose parents are divorced. And how he was told one thing when he was younger, but now that he's older (teen), he realizes that what he was told was a lie. I think she's at that point. And it's this frustration that makes her angry. Not being told the truth.
I know I can't tell her everything, but I feel if my EX doesn't come out and be honest, that it will really mess up my daughter? Am I worried too much? What should I do? Should I say anything such as why mommy moved (trying to find happiness or trying to get better)? I don't want my emotions to cloud my judgement and say too much or anything that may paint my EX as a bad mother. Because even if it's my opinion, it's their mom too, right? My heart is telling me that time and age will eventually bring out the truth. I only want to be able to ease my daughter's confusion and frustration without dealing a huge blow between her love for her mother.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Tell them the truth wrapped in love. 

Lies only come back to haunt you. They don't need every gory detail but they need to know honestly what happened.

"Mommy met someone else sweetie and she thinks moving away will help her get better. She chose to look for a job there. I love her very much and wanted her to stay but she left anyway."


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Or maybe tell them to ask mommy the next time they speak with her.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Thanks Mavash. Another concern I have is my mom told me that my daughter told her today all about seeing her mom this summer and how she has moved into a new house with her "friend". Mommy has been spending time with this "friend" before I even filed for divorce. Should I tell my ex she should be honest with the Kids and tell them the truth before or while they spend the summer with mommy and her friend? Should I not waste time persuading my ex? And if I don't mention this to the ex, is it better not to say anything at all and let the kids learn themselves which they surely will eventually? Just not sure if this one is my business.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It seems like you are getting the same answer from just about everyone. Tell your children the truth. It does not have to be delivered in a harsh manner. Just tell the truth.

And tell your wife that they know the truth because they saw it when they were out there visiting her. And tell her that lying to the children does not work, they are too smart for that.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You still haven`t had this discussion?

HD you do your kids a disservice by keeping it from them my friend.

They know something is very wrong and they KNOW they`re being kept in the dark and you take a very big chance with their affection towards you if they believe you`re lying or perpetuating a lie about something so huge to them.

Tell them in as neutral a way as possible but make sure it`s pure truth.


Edit:

Houstondad, I can`t even begin to understand how painful and difficult such a conversation must be but it`s really the very best thing you can do for you and your kids and that`s the only concern you have right now.
Take a day or so and actually try to compose the conversation in your mind.
Do it when you feel your strength is greatest but do it soon.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Houstondad said:


> is it better not to say anything at all and let the kids learn themselves which they surely will eventually? Just not sure if this one is my business.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your ex sounds like a piece of work and letting your kids find out on their own makes no sense to me. It's like sending a kid to school without walking them around first and explaining to them what's going to happen.

And since you are their dad it IS your business.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I know my confidence is all over the place. The advice her is pretty much the same. But the things I see from counselor/therapist suggest staying away from saying too much. And what I mean by that is not mentioning things that puts the choices made and responsibilities on my ex. Which quite frankly is still sorely needed. I have written a draft already on what I want to say. I'll share it here in a bit and let me know what you think. And thanks.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> My daughter told me later last night that she is reading a book about a boy whose parents are divorced. And how he was told one thing when he was younger, but now that he's older (teen), he realizes that what he was told was a lie. I think she's at that point. And it's this frustration that makes her angry. Not being told the truth.
> I know I can't tell her everything, but I feel if my EX doesn't come out and be honest, that it will really mess up my daughter?


First, she is actively seeking out answers, by looking for books to give her the information you haven't given her.

Second, you are now the ONE person in your daughter's life who she should be able to trust to be 100% honest with her. She NEEDS you to tell her the truth and, if you don't, you will lose her trust forever. Not to mention mess her up as an adult. Trust me, she IS old enough to hear the truth, in an age-appropriate way. "Mom wasn't happy with herself and she went and found a boyfriend to make herself feel better, but we know that when you're married, you can't have a boyfriend, right? So we couldn't agree on what to do, and she left. And she moved to Minnesota because she has people there who make her feel good, instead of staying here to work on her problems. Maybe some day she'll realize that she can't run from her problems, they just follow her wherever she goes; maybe she won't. But she still loves you. So try to understand that she's an unhappy person trying to find happiness in unhealthy ways, and love her back as much as you can."

Something like that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> counselor/therapist suggest staying away from saying too much. And what I mean by that is not mentioning things that puts the choices made and responsibilities on my ex.


That is awful advice! How can your kids learn how to decide what's right and wrong, if they aren't even told that a horrible, harmful choice their mom made is wrong?! Ugh!


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Hi Turnera! I agree! I don't want my daughter thinking what her mommy has done (abandoning us) is OK. It will only lead her to making crappy decisions when she's older too. 
Turnera- I like your example on what to say. I'm just hesitant on the boyfriend part. Is it appropriate for an 11 year old? I'm just struggling with that part. Everything else is spot on.

Here's my draft from last nighton what I want to say before she leaves to see mommy for the summer:

Reaction to daughter's anger that mommy moved away: Yes, you’re right, it wasn’t the best or most loving decision and you’re not wrong to feel the way you do; it’s not the decision I would have made, in her place. But the problem is HER ability to make good choices, NOT that YOU aren’t loveable or important or worth sticking around for. You absolutely are. Mommy hasn’t been feeling good emotionally for a long time and she feels her decision to move to Minnesota will make her get better. But I want you to know that moving away from your family will not make you get better and that no one should ever make such a choice. That’s why I will always be here for you. I will always stay with you and never leave you and all the things you’re used to in our life together will stay the same.

Sound ok? I'm still on the fence if I should mention boyfriend but I'm leaning towards it. Turnera- Don't kill me if I plagarize your suggestion if I decide to include the boyfriend part.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

11 year olds are having sex, Houstondad. Trust me. They KNOW what boyfriends mean. I've sat outside my daughter's junior high watching 6th graders with their tongues down each other's throats. And that was 10 years ago.

Your daughter needs to understand what affairs are, how they happen, and what weaknesses we have that cause us to choose that. Remember to make it clear that you can dislike the action but still love the person.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My 6 year old understands boyfriends and divorce.

Leave the boyfriend part in. It's true.

I agree with tunera you don't even want to know what many 11 years old are doing these days.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I've taught junior high for 15 years. LOL. Believe me, I know. However, it's also true that a good portion of incoming 6th graders don't know a lot about dating and sex. She's 11 years old who just finished elementary school. I know she's not clueless, but she's pretty innocent and "immature" when it comes to sex and dating. But believe me the birds and the bees talk will be coming very soon. She's not interested in boyfriends right now. She likes getting stuffed animals, candy makers, watching Phineus & Ferb. Last night there was a commercial about these animal slippers that makes the ears or eyes move up and down. She wants that! I guess I need to have another talk with her about dating & relationships and determine not only what she knows, but then know what I'll need to tell her about her mom. The bottom line is making this not only age appropriate but developmentally appropriate too.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's an amazing website called Daughters.com, which was created by a man who was divorcing. It has just tons and tons of amazing advice for dealing with girls aged 10-18. They used to have a newsletter I'd get and sit and read through with DD21, and it allowed us to talk about a ton of things she would never have brought up on her own.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> Hi Turnera! I agree! I don't want my daughter thinking what her mommy has done (abandoning us) is OK. It will only lead her to making crappy decisions when she's older too.
> Turnera- I like your example on what to say. I'm just hesitant on the boyfriend part. Is it appropriate for an 11 year old? I'm just struggling with that part. Everything else is spot on.
> 
> Here's my draft from last nighton what I want to say before she leaves to see mommy for the summer:
> ...


It's perfect HD.

Leave out the boyfriend but don't forget you don't just get to say your piece and go.
She's going to have questions and you should tell her no lies while answering every one of them as compassionately as you can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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