# Long Term Separation



## needhelp1976 (Apr 14, 2012)

My H moved out of our bedroom 18 months ago. Then H began spending weekends with his sister (but found out not true) a year ago in March when H told me there is OW.

When he moved out of our bedroom, H did not give any reason. When I suggested that he sleep in our bedroom again after two weeks he told me that it was not my decision. Things have slowly deteriorated over the last 18 months with worse in the last 3 months.

My H is an avoider and doesn't talk much - yet he was willing to tell me much in email. I shut down email early on since I felt it was a cowardly way to tell me about his unhappiness in our marriage. 

After Christmas at home with his children and me, H goes to mostly live with OW. Again my H tells me nothing, he just doesn't come home. My kids are in college so they are not at home now. H will come home and stay overnight once or twice a month and there have been several times that we have been physically intimate on those occasions. 

I have been doing a program that encourages the betrayed spouse to show unconditional love and not to discuss an affair. Affairs will end and talking about it just gives it validity.

My H and I connect quite well when he is home but I am having great trouble continuing the program because I just don't see the affair ending. I don't really know why H comes home to our house. I just have to figure OW goes out of town or something like that.

My H mentioned divorce only once a year ago but did say we should live as roommates until kids are out of college and we are financially not needed by kids anymore. That could be in 2 months or maybe much longer - who knows what my kids are going to need from us?

Staying in this marriage is certainly the more financially better decision but the emotional toll on me is draining. I go back and forth with wanting to end of all of this to staying so my kids and I are better off financially. But I also don't want to be the one to file for a divorce because I think we could reconcile if my H wanted to give it a try.

This limbo is probably better than divorce but I will never get over my H in this limbo. I love the man I used to know and can see when he is home but can't understand our arrangement. How could OW be okay with a partner who sees his wife several times a month. Maybe she doesn't know?? How can I keep enduring the pain each and everyday of knowing my H is living with OW and building memories together.

Is there anyone else living in separation limbo and waiting for an affair to end? I am not sure my H would come home and want to reconcile if there was no OW but I do know that there is no possibility of reconciliation as long as there is OW.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Don't know who sold you this "program". 
I find it horrible. It's not only soul draning and humilliating but ineffective, specially when it's all in the open becuase the wayward wont respect the betrayed ever again.
I'd divroce yesterday. If financialy staying married on paper is better o say stay married but completely detach from him and start you future life since today, including dating.
So... tell him it's done, start the 180, detach, focus in yourser, self care, self love, self improvement. Move on.
Alo, change the locks. It's you house now, he shouldn't come as he pleases nad have sex on top of it, presumably every time ther's a blow between them.

Keep reading post here.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Michzz has very valid points. Not trying to be cruel - as you have endured much cruelty already - but you say that finances are a critical part of your acceptance. That is the mindset of ... .well I won't print it out. 

He, according to you is an avoider. But you are an enabler. He loves to eat cake and you serve it right up. 

Don't feel all alone. There is at least one other person on this board whose husband left her to live with another woman and came home intermittently much as your does. He was away for the better part of two years and is back "permanently" for the last three. She is not happy with the rugsweeping and avoidance stance of her husband. 

Don't you deserve some peace and happiness? Why put up with being a doormat. He has very little respect for you, if any. 

You say you love this man. What's to love? His respect for you and his family? His commitment to the vows he made with you? His gratitude for the life and family you gave him? His honesty and forthrightness in his day-to-day dealings?

Have you seen a counselor? You should. Start with the 180. It's on my sig line below. Click on it, read it and follow it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

That programme is filled with a high percentage of bovine faecal secretions.

It's a cake eater's charter and is dangerous. Please stop using it.

And please do not have unprotected sex with your husband, at least until has has STD/HIV tests with verified results.


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