# Trying to recover



## whatliesahead (Nov 3, 2009)

Married 33 years. Found out January 9, 2010 my wife had an affair 25 years ago (no sex involved). According to wife our marriage was great at the time and always has been. She says it just happened.


I have told my wife I will not leave her. I love her very much, but I am having a lot of personal problems coping, am seeking guidance from anyone who has experienced infedility.

We have both been to counseling (separately and together). Have spoken with pastor. Have read several books. I have not told anyone else, wife told her sister.

Maybe it is too soon, don't know, but there are days when I want everything to be okay and then there are days when I cannot seem to cope at all. I am not saying anything harsh or out of the way to my wife. She is being very supportive, remorseful, etc. Actually I felt more in control a couple of weeks ago then I do now, seem to have slide back somewhat. I feel bad when she asks what is wrong (try to hide it, but not always successful), but this has affected me in ways I would not have believed were possible. 

Having never gone through this before I simply don't know if what I am experiencing is normal. I will admit there are days when I feel I should just leave but I know that is not really an answer.

Just don't know what to expect from my emotions. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell her that you need to talk about it. Not to tear her down (I hope), but to understand. To get a handle on things. It's old to her, but fresh to you. It will take a while to get used to the idea. She needs to be patient with you, and you need to not stuff it inside.

Also, I really urge you to find someone to talk to about it. A brother, a best friend, a parent...you need someone to help you through the grief process.


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## whatliesahead (Nov 3, 2009)

We have talked and she is being very patient. Maybe, don't know, it would be easier on me if there was "a reason" (unhappy in marriage, bad husband, etc.), but she insists there was never a time she did not love me, she was happy in our marriage, but it just happened.

Lord knows I want to talk to someone, just to get some support. It is tough keeping this inside. Actually my wife has agreed that I need someone; however, if I confide in someone then someone will "know" and I am not sure I want to possibly affect my wife that way. 

I have always been a strong individual and have been the one to provide support to others, difficult to be on the other side. Even now I am trying to provide support for my wife (she is nearly beside herself with her own pain).

Am having difficulty even accepting that this is real, that my wife would do such, but I guess this happens more that I would have ever thought. 

Again, thanks for any advice or support.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I would go ahead and tell someone you feel close to and trust, i found it was almost a relief to tell someone else....just to speak it out loud.......
It's a little bump in the road.......good luck


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## whatliesahead (Nov 3, 2009)

The affair lasted about 5-6 weeks. My wife and I have discussed the why for a good deal of time. The only reason she has come up is that at the time we had a 5 year old and a 2 year old. The 2 year old was very sick and she feels she may have been weakened by the stress. She is adamant that I was a "perfect" husband (her exact words, not mine).

She ended up confessing because some members of our family had recently had "affair" problems and I told her I simply could not fathom how anyone could do such, that wedding vows were the most sacred 'contracts', etc. When the Tiger Woods ordeal surfaced I told her there wasn't any way in the world I would every cheat on her, besides the fact that I simply wouldn't I would not be able to keep it secret, that it would eat me alive. I think these events began to weigh on her. She says that she had wanted to tell me for some time but was afraid that I would leave her. In one sense I can understand, if she had told me 25 years ago I would have left, no doubt. 

You know, it just sucks when you love and care for someone so much. Try to be the best spouse you can. And then something like this happens. You pray to God, ask "Where is the justice, why me, what did I do wrong?". I keep checking my mailbox everyday for my answers (little attempt at humor).


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

'my wife had an affair 25 years ago (no sex involved)'
So what's bothering you so much? What's going through your head right now that makes you feel so wrecked? The idea that you classified people into 'cheaters' and 'non-cheaters' and you always imagined your wife would be in the second? And now you find out she is in the first, and you figure for this to happen, to cause you so much pain, you must have done something to deserve it?Because if you did there'd be an excuse for both of you. You had it coming and it excused her behaviour. Is this it?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, people can succumb to affairs because they need to feel 'special' or 'important' or even 'cared about.' Given her circumstances, she was giving everything to others, and not particularly getting anything in return. So even to feel the hormones that come from someone new actually liking you enough to want to talk to you is very heady. It FEELS good. There really probably was nothing more than that. The rest of her day was filled with Giving. For this period, she got to be about HER.

But she realized it wasn't real, and ended it, and then got on with her life. She had a fling. And hid it because she was afraid you would leave her. Very common.

But she has now admitted it. She is accepting her humility. You should, too. You should find a close friend or sibling with whom you can confide. This will in no way affect this person's opinion of your wife, if they see that she came to you in humility and admitted it. In fact, they will probably admire her for doing so, when she didn't have to. I think you are projecting YOUR feelings on any potential confidante. Remember that sharing secrets, and letting someone in on it and help you with it, actually BUILDS relationships. If you had a brother who came to you with your story, would you hate his wife? Of course not; you have 30 years' history with her - you KNOW she's not an evil person, just someone who made a mistake. Give your sibling/friend the benefit of the doubt and assume better of them.


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## whatliesahead (Nov 3, 2009)

Nekko,
An affair is an affair, I did not supply all of the details because I felt it was unnecessary. After reading numerous posts on this site and others I do not believe I feel any differently than anyone else. Of course I believed my wife to be in the 'non-cheaters' category. Should not everyone going into a marriage have such expectations?

No, I did not have it coming... I am not looking for an excuse, I am simply trying to cope with something that even though it happened a long time ago it is 'fresh' to me. I don't know how you feel about marriage but to me there isn't any reason to cheat on your spouse. Period.


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