# He had a FWB who was the OW the entire length of our relationship and also into our marriage (Newlywed here!)



## blyzzeloc22202 (8 mo ago)

Note: I have changed a name in this in the interests of privacy.
Hello from the UK.

I am a newlywed who's only been married for 5 weeks, next week is the 6th week of our marriage.

We had a nice wedding, small, intimate, and the proposal beforehand was romantic.I've been with my husband since November 2010, when I met him at a local Christmassy event I was attending with six friends. I was 24 then; he was 25.He was a kind, funny guy, had the sort of body I liked, toned, built, even though he was average-looking by some people's standards. Not to me, though. Basically, a male model's body, stereotypical geek face of glasses, and a buzz-cut haircut at the time.

Our relationship is a mixed-race one; me, an Indian girl and him, a white guy. It didn't cause a problem with my parents, they're Westernized and born here, they sometimes feel they don't fit in with the Indian community despite looking Indian and being Punjabi Indian.


We didn't move in together until December 2014, 4 years later, and the engagement wasn't until December 18 2019 when he did a really lovely proposal in a small restaurant; he'd paid the owners of the small restaurant to get us a screened-off area away from the public and piped some lovely classical music.

Then lockdowns and COVID came and our wedding got delayed until all restrictions were lifted, just common-sense on my part.

That's the timeline.

The big question here relates to something my husband told me yesterday.He said to me "You know you said we can talk about anything together, well, I've got something important to tell you."

We had tea, and he admitted to me:



> Since May 2001, me and my friend Jane have always met up socially, we've been friends with benefits since March 2003 and always met up together, even right up to the engagement period. Yes, we still continued right up until the lockdown, and then when that Freedom Day thingy, both of them, continued, we still met up. Sure, it was very Brokeback Mountain-like except, obviously, we're straight. I'm really sorry to admit it to you, but I'll show you all the emails.I've known Jane from September 1997 to June 2002 when I was in high school in a town 90 miles away from where we live here near London.


I didn't go to the same high school.He went to his laptop, showed me the emails after tea, showing me the emails from his six Gmail accounts he'd created between 2011 and 2017 for various things, and Jane's LinkedIn page and her Instagram.

The emails were raunchy and too X-rated to post here, and email etiquette says you shouldn't post them, so I won't.

He even admitted breaking lockdown rules to do that, especially with the excuse about shopping (visiting her for sex sessions at a time when it was legally banned, but shopping or exercise were permitted legally when the lockdowns were on in the UK). Yes, I know Boris Johnson broke his own lockdown rules but at the time I was cautious with the "Stay at home. Stop the virus. Save lives" messaging, now I'm questioning if I was right to.

I was stunned, it got me into stunned silence, I was thinking WTF?

Comparing this to Brokeback Mountain? It doesn't even compare to the situation in that movie.

As it were, Jane wasn't an über-glamorous girl, but a rather plain-looking blonde girl with slightly thick glasses and wavy blonde hair; she wasn't ugly, but she wasn't like a supermodel. It wasn't as if she was a threat to me.

I'm not ugly, but I'm not a supermodel either, but I did occasionally get some attention from guys, a bit fetishistic, unfortunately. Not with my husband, though, he just liked me for who I am/was.

I'm Asian, well, Indian, but not from a religious Indian family; very westernized and non-religious.I'd never met Jane, and he'd never mentioned her at all in all the years we'd known each other. 

Were it not for the confession I wouldn't have even known.

I feel deceived, hoodwinked, angry, him with this other woman in the whole time we'd been together as a couple.

Now I'm wondering what other skeletons in the cupboard exist.I thought I really knew him well in the 12 years we've been together; our anniversary is coming up on 19th November 2022.

We had (or I thought I have, but now am questioning it) a good relationship, our sex life was good, life was good (lockdown wasn't so good for us because we weren't allowed to work due to our employers' policies, but we got paid, yet couldn't spend it much, ironically, aside from on food and essentials) so why he did this I don't know.

I don't think "friends with benefits" was a popular slang word in 2010 but that's beside the point.

I'm feeling really angry, may have to get a divorce soon, but I'm worried about the social embarrassment this may cause - especially as my family spent a lot on our wedding and they really loved him.

Now I'm questioning my whole relationship and marriage; did I marry a con-man of sorts?I can honestly say, from the bottom of my heart, that I had no idea. I really loved him and am questioning things.


I feel embarrassed, and only really have my parents, my sister and the six friends who I was with at the Christmas event in 2010 (very good friends) as a support network.

But I can't get over the fact I ended up marrying a guy who was seeing his "friend with benefits" for 19 years!What can or should I do about the whole thing?I worry this could make me lose trust in guys; as it is, I never really (uncles and one cousin aside) had male friends.


I would like any help you can provide me with, no matter what the advice is.I will try and reply when possible.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

It feels like you are really obsessive about physical looks and characteristics to the point of immaturity. But with everything you have said, I think the decision of what you should do is fairly easy. I think you should immediately annul the marriage and move on with your life. I think this guy you are with isn't mature enough or ready for marriage.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Deception on this level is typically a deal breaker. Would it have made a difference if you'd known about them at the time the two of you got seriously involved? Have they stopped seeing each other, and if so, when was that? Anyway, for me, it would be the deception that bothers me the most, and would be a deal breaker. My wife and I both had FWB/poly relationships before and during our marriage, but we were both fully in the know and approved from the very start - no deception.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

That would be a deal breaker for me. It really doesn’t matter what other skeletons there are, the one he told you about is big enough. 

And just a side note “Friends with benefits” as a phrase has been around at least since the 90’s, and maybe even before then.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

With no kids, it's an easier thing, time to split.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So basically he has been seeing her throughout your relationship. He has never been faithful and he has lied and deceived you throughout. 
What else is there to do but get this marriage annulled or get divorced. People will understand if they know the truth.
He has no moral values or integrity at all.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

blyzzeloc22202 said:


> I really loved him and am questioning things.


No, you loved a mirage. I can't imagine what possessed him to spill the beans at this point. Seriously, he couldn't have confessed before the wedding? What does he expect you to do with this information?

I would see if an annulment is in order since he perpetrated a fraud on you and also see if you can recover half of the expense of the wedding. Sorry you're in this fix; but, it is better you find out what a worthless piece of scum he is now than later. Send him packing.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Well, he confessed. He stopped seeing her?
She’s not as attractive as you…. What’s the harm in a little ol’ friend with benefits?

seems you could forgive him and move forward with a little forgiveness.

He can talk with about anything, right?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Maybe his exposure of Jane was angling for you joining him in FMF relationship?

He intentionally withheld truth from you. Seek annulment or divorce. Sad you wasted the best part of your youth on him.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@blyzzeloc22202, your response to this is normal. Of course, you are angry, sad, enraged, afraid, questioning everything, etc. What he just told you is crazy. You couldn't have known. I wonder if she knows about you. She may think she is his one and only. 

Can you get an annulment? If this were one of my children, I would check into annulment. I would think that your parents would be mortified and concerned for you.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

That's some calculated deception!
And a need to see her so strong that he broke lock down rules to do so.

Why has he confessed now?
There must be a reason?
Is there more trickle truth to come?
Could she be pregnant or have his child already?


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Yeah, I'm very curious why he decided to confess now. Does he think that since he got you locked down in marriage, that he can just spill his guts and that you'll just be ok with it? 

Please go seek out legal counsel and get yourself checked for STDs also. No telling what he or she may have.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

If you really think about it, he has not respect for you. Whatever the reasons for his confession is probably because in his disrespect toward you he probably thinks that is OK now to tell you, since you won't do a thing about it, and just accept it. Well, is he right? will you just accept it?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Get your marriage annulled immediately. What a horrible thing to do to you.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Is he afraid Jane will tell you? That’s the only thing that I can think of as to why he’d confess now.

This would be a dealbreaker, because the “deal” was made under false pretenses. So sorry that you’ve had to go through this.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Wow!
I’m a bit open to different lifestyles, *HowEver*, for a trusting relationship this should have been full disclosure the second he thought about being serious with you. A long time before marriage.

Something to consider: Although not enough information to really say it sounds kind of pre planned on his part which I would consider very manipulative, and even if not pre planned he damned sure wasn’t thinking/isn’t thoughtful as way he waited until after wedding I would call mental and emotionally abusive whether intentional or not.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@blyzzeloc22202 , so sorry you are here, this must have come as a big shock to you esp if you had no inkling.
It is very clear from what you told us that your new husband

1. is a cheater
2. a liar
3. a scam artist
4. dishonest on another level
5. a creature of habit, he will not change. If he doesn't cheat with her, it will be someone else and something else.
6. is a loser

YOu are only married 6 weeks, tell your family. They are modern, they will not want you to suck it up for appearance sake and why should you? Kick this WH of yours to the kerb adn run as fast as you can!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Rus47 said:


> Maybe his exposure of Jane was angling for you joining him in FMF relationship?
> 
> He intentionally withheld truth from you. Seek annulment or divorce. Sad you wasted the best part of your youth on him.


I didn't think of that. Very possible.


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## blyzzeloc22202 (8 mo ago)

blanked


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## blyzzeloc22202 (8 mo ago)

Bad news. The OW is pregnant, and is claiming my husband is the father.
He's also claiming:



> She's gone all Ava Max on me, you know cute but psycho? Only wanted me, not other guys.


I'm going to file for divorce anyway.

Also learnt another weird thing about my husband yesterday, during lockdown he spent hours masturbating to pictures of Zara Phillips and didn't want sex with me sometimes!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

blyzzeloc22202 said:


> Bad news. The OW is pregnant, and is claiming my husband is the father.
> He's also claiming:
> "She's gone all Ava Max on me, you know cute but psycho? Only wanted me, not other guys."


Now we know why he finally told you. This is actually good news, otherwise, you may not have found out until it would be much more difficult to leave him. I don't know who Ava Max is, but the OW probably feels that he has been cheating with you, since he's been with her since before you came along. He's a real piece of work. Obviously, he doesn't love either of you. I feel sorry for the child. And I'm sorry this has happened to you. It's not your fault. You don't deserve this.



blyzzeloc22202 said:


> I'm going to file for divorce anyway.
> 
> Also learnt another weird thing about my husband yesterday, during lockdown he spent hours masturbating to pictures of Zara Phillips and didn't want sex with me sometimes!


Good grief. He just gets worse and worse. I'm glad you're leaving him. Have you looked into whether you can get an annulment? Have you told your parents?


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Clearing this affair would continue accept he knocked her up.
She trapped him by getting pregnant .... he's a user and never thought about that.

They deserve each other. Both: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and showing no empathy for you.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Well, now you got your answer as to why he confessed. Divorce/annulment ASAP. In a twisted way, you should be thankful that you found out in such short period of time rather than years, or decades later with children and a mortgage. You are still young enough to start over with someone worthy of you.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

blyzzeloc22202 said:


> He was a kind, funny guy, *had the sort of body I liked, toned, built*, even though he was average-looking by some people's standards. Not to me, though.* Basically, a male model's body*, stereotypical geek face of glasses, and a buzz-cut haircut at the time.


You now know that all that glitters is not gold. He had a gold body but a black heart and no integrity. You have received a good life's lesson if you can learn it.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

blyzzeloc22202 said:


> Bad news. The OW is pregnant, and is claiming my husband is the father.
> He's also claiming:
> 
> 
> ...


Welp, that answers my question.

Your H is nuts!


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

Get out please, I have a hard time understanding what is getting you to stay. He blindsided you and using the circumstances as a tool to get you to stay, knowing you more fundamentally inclined not to inconvenience other people.


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## initareed (9 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> It feels like you are really obsessive about physical looks and characteristics to the point of immaturity. But with everything you have said, I think the decision of what you should do is fairly easy. I think you should immediately annul the marriage and move on with your life. I think this guy you are with isn't mature enough or ready for marriage.


With exception of the first part (who doesn't describe people???), I agree to get an annulment.

Do not worry about what others think...

I would like to point out...OP hasn't shred what her wayward partner said beyond the confession (is he sorry?).

The similarity with Brokeback Mountain could be obsession/love... Is he either of those things with Jane, OP?

And lastly...why now? Why confess now?


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## initareed (9 mo ago)

blyzzeloc22202 said:


> Bad news. The OW is pregnant, and is claiming my husband is the father.
> He's also claiming:
> 
> 
> ...


Well, that answers "why now?"...

OP, look into annulment instead of divorce. His deception/adultery could well qualify you...which would be significantly easier.


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