# What is wrong with me



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Even though In the end he was a terrible husband to me, I still miss him. I still feel homesick, and I still feel like we is part of me and we should always be together. And I still can’t believe that he can go on voluntarily and happily without me. Like what is so wrong with me that my “best friend” would go through a divorce with me, who has been inseparable for 15 years, and who was faithful and supportive and willing to do anything to make the marriage work. Like this is really messing me up.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Quite often, the relationship you have with your spouse has a lot of overlap with the kind of relationship you have with any family member. So then when they leave, it can feel like your sibling is gone. A family member is always your family member even if you don't see them very often, but one day you have a spouse and the next day you don't. 

I think it's a shame that relationships have to end so abruptly and with bad feelings. Why can't it be like when your sibling moves across the country or you lose touch with your best friend? That is, you both take your lives in your own directions, but you still stay fondly in each other's hearts.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I keep thinking men rarely file for divorce.... and it’s crazy that he filed when I haven’t done anything wrong.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I keep thinking men rarely file for divorce.... and it’s crazy that he filed when I haven’t done anything wrong.


He filed?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> He filed?




Yes.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

katiecrna said:


> I keep thinking men rarely file for divorce.... and it’s crazy that he filed when I haven’t done anything wrong.


You were clearly quite unhappy with him. He no doubt was aware of this and maybe even tired of it, even if your unhappiness was due to the way he treated you. He may have decided he didn't want an unhappy wife around. He may have used this to attribute (fairly or unfairly) all sort sorts of unfavorable qualities upon you, which then justified (in his mind) his filing. 

Or maybe he thought you would never be happy with him and did the right thing to set you free (based on what you've told us though, I doubt he was thinking of you at the time and the above paragraph is more likely).


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

This is from him...


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> You were clearly quite unhappy with him. He no doubt was aware of this and maybe even tired of it, even if your unhappiness was due to the way he treated you. He may have decided he didn't want an unhappy wife around. He may have used this to attribute (fairly or unfairly) all sort sorts of unfavorable qualities upon you, which then justified (in his mind) his filing.
> 
> 
> 
> Or maybe he thought you would never be happy with him and did the right thing to set you free (based on what you've told us though, I doubt he was thinking of you at the time and the above paragraph is more likely).




This is 100% what he says. But why can’t he just be a nice normal guy and then I wouldn’t be so unhappy!!! Ahhh


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> Even though In the end he was a terrible husband to me, I still miss him. I still feel homesick, and I still feel like we is part of me and we should always be together. And I still can’t believe that he can go on voluntarily and happily without me. Like what is so wrong with me that my “best friend” would go through a divorce with me, who has been inseparable for 15 years, and who was faithful and supportive and willing to do anything to make the marriage work. Like this is really messing me up.


Nothing, you are a nurse you should know that you are evolutionary set up to bond in this way. Your neural synapse have not rewired yet. That takes time.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I keep thinking men rarely file for divorce.... and it’s crazy that he filed when I haven’t done anything wrong.


My Mom always says no man goes from one warm bet to a cold one. I would bet money. Don't care what he texts you. 

Katie, you are going to be alright. I do hope you meet a laid back guy who can help get you out of your head somewhat though, I do think you could use that. I worry that you are looking for the super type A guy, someone like you. As far as I can tell you are very type A and analytic when it comes to your life. You are very intense. I think part of the problem you had in your last marriage may have been two people being that way can cause some butting of heads. But who knows, all I can go by is your posts. 

Thing is this stuff takes time. Just keep doing you. Read and study about relationships. Try to understand men as best you can (this is very helpful, and would absolutely and do always tell men to do the same with women, assuming your not gay). I know probably for you, this kind of pause or inertia you are in, in your life is probably a living hell, as it would be for someone who is as driven as you are. So instead of looking at it like you are not moving forward look at it as your time to study. That is what I did when I felt like I was in limbo. Let me tell you the stuff I learned about women and communicating, about being a good husband has helped me immensely. Read books written by men about men, about how to be a good wife. Again you can game your mind that even though you are not married that you are preparing for that again, still moving forward. Like school before a career. 

Finally I am going to say this one more time. Stop judging guys on how driven they are. Make sure you are attracted to them. Make sure they are not losers (that doesn't mean they don't game occasionally). They have a job and some ambition. BUT JUDGE THEM ON THEIR CHARACTER. Figure out what that is to you, but there are some things that are universal. Your husband wasn't willing to change and compromise with you, he didn't have that in him. That takes character and is one of the biggest things in a bad marriage. It is thousands of times more important then if he is super high earner. Find a man who is just as intense as you are but about his character. That is what is consistent about your posts and why I like you. You really care about this stuff. If you find a guy who feels the same way, look out. 

Anyway nothing is wrong with you. You are learning like all of us.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

To be honest, he sounded polite in the message. He seemed nice yet honest. Whether or not his words were genuine, I do not know. I wish my ex was as friendly as yours and didn't choose to completely cut me out. Humans are bizarre creatures. It sounds like you both parted ways on good terms, based on the text message. 

Maybe he got bored of commitment and had higher expectations of a marriage. Perhaps he wasn't happy and blamed it on you. It sounds like the marriage was no longer ideal to him and he wanted other things. Other women. Fresh new meat. A lot of people go into a marriage liking the idea of commitment without realising how much work it takes. He took the easy way out instead of working through your problems as a team. There is nothing wrong with you, it's him. In short, your ex simply does not have marriage values nor does he comprehend the sanctity of such a union.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Louise McCann said:


> To be honest, he sounded polite in the message. He seemed nice yet honest. Whether or not his words were genuine, I do not know. I wish my ex was as friendly as yours and didn't choose to completely cut me out. Humans are bizarre creatures. It sounds like you both parted ways on good terms, based on the text message.
> 
> Maybe he got bored of commitment and had higher expectations of a marriage. Perhaps he wasn't happy and blamed it on you. It sounds like the marriage was no longer ideal to him and he wanted other things. Other women. Fresh new meat. A lot of people go into a marriage liking the idea of commitment without realising how much work it takes. He took the easy way out instead of working through your problems as a team. There is nothing wrong with you, it's him. In short, your ex simply does not have marriage values nor does he comprehend the sanctity of such a union.




I am the bitter unhappy one that doesn’t want to talk to him. He is all happy happy, filing for divorce. 

And yes, he doesn’t respect the sanctity of marriage.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Louise McCann said:


> To be honest, he sounded polite in the message. He seemed nice yet honest. Whether or not his words were genuine, I do not know. I wish my ex was as friendly as yours and didn't choose to completely cut me out. Humans are bizarre creatures. It sounds like you both parted ways on good terms, based on the text message.
> 
> Maybe he got bored of commitment and had higher expectations of a marriage. Perhaps he wasn't happy and blamed it on you. It sounds like the marriage was no longer ideal to him and he wanted other things. Other women. Fresh new meat. A lot of people go into a marriage liking the idea of commitment without realising how much work it takes. He took the easy way out instead of working through your problems as a team. There is nothing wrong with you, it's him. In short, your ex simply does not have marriage values nor does he comprehend the sanctity of such a union.


Read her other threads, he was never around, and ran away when she wanted to have meaningful discussions about what she needed in the marriage. He was one of these guys who thought that being a good husband was pretty much financially based. That was easy for him as his priority was his career like many high-earner status driven guys. He was a brain surgeon. Now that is a great thing and some women, like politicians wives, sports figures wives and such, seem to get affirmation by being with a man like that, but I don't think that is normally conducive to making a great intimate partnership. Especially if your expectations are like Katie. This is a very bright women who craves, intellectual stimulation and intimacy. My take is she hasn't met that guy yet. Hopefully she meets one with character.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think that there is an attraction to the familiar - a sense that it implies safety and security. A tendency to quickly forget all the negatives - as in any nostalgia. 

I think it will fade with time, and disappear completely when you start spending time with someone who is good to you.


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