# He Just Made a Comment That Pissed Me Off



## Strawberry Shortcake (Dec 26, 2014)

My husband just made a comment that totally pissed me off. He has been on short term disability since October because his blood pressure is too high for him to work around machines.

Most days when I get home even though he has been here ALL day the house is still a mess. I get off at 5, pick up the baby from daycare and come home and start cleaning up. 

Once he sees me cleaning up and senses my aggravation about it, he starts helping me. We have had the conversation many times about him needing to help out more around the house. 

Not long after I get home, he leaves and goes to the place where he keeps his horse to feed it and clean out the stall. (More free time for him) I'm at home bathing the baby, cooking (if I cook that day); By the time he makes it back home the baby is in bed and all he has to do is eat, shower and jump in the bed and harass me for sex.

I'm tired. Then he gets an attitude because that makes him feel like I'm not attracted to him anymore. I love my husband but if I'm tired, I'm tired.

So tonight I picked up dinner on the way home. The baby was grouchy and wanted to be up under me. I just wanted to eat my dinner so I asked him to get her. Why do I have to say can you get the baby for a minute so I can eat my food in peace. So disconnected...He can clearly see me having a hard time but will not do anything to help unless I ask.

Daycare is closed tomorrow for the holiday but I still have to work. He says to me I think I may take the baby to my cousins house tomorrow so I can go fishing. I'm like you always get off so easy. He asked what I meant by that and I said on the days when you are supposed to be here with the baby you always find something to do and have to take her to your family if I'm working.

Why can't he just sit down somewhere and stay here with the baby for once??? So when I said something about that he said you get breaks too. Yeah but when "I" get a break it's actually "US" getting a break. I may get my niece to watch the baby so my husband and I can go out to eat. But he is still getting off easy.

Yeah, I get free time like that but I am still in his face. Does he not think that sometimes I want to do something by myself like he does all the time?

I want some me time just to be quiet, read a book, or whatever I choose to do. But if I grab the keys to go to the grocery store he tells me to take our son with me because there is too much happening and he doesn't want me to go to the store alone. Really? 

Sometimes I just want to ride in my car ALONE and bask in the quietness. But no, he always wants to send someone with me or he wants to come with me. I just need a break.

Oh, what he said to me was "You can sleep all day and still wake up grouchy" Hmmmmm I wonder why?


Is anyone out there in this situation? How are you handling it?


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Why did you give in about going to the grocery store alone?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I understand where you are coming from and I think you are both going to find your marriage in a very bad place if it goes on for too long.

I can't advise you how to change him, but there are certainly things you can do for yourself to save your sanity.

1) Be more assertive. If you want to go to the shop alone and he look after the baby, just do it. If he doesn't like that, tough bikkies.

2) Be more matter of fact instead of whingy about what is happening in the house. Passive aggressive cleaning that gets him to participate isn't changing anything. If he sat on his arse all day and didn't clean he was aware it was his responsibility (note he's not a mind reader so make sure it's very clear), tell him as if you were talking to a colleague: I would cook dinner but you haven't cleaned the kitchen today. Once you've cleaned the kitchen, let me know and I'll start dinner.

3) Don't do his job. If it's dirty and it was his responsibility, leave it. If you can't stand it, advise him you are not doing his chores but you don't like living in filth, so can he get on with it please.

You are making a rod for your own back by doing his chores for him and giving in on things like taking the baby shopping with you. Stand firm. It may be harder initially than just getting in and doing it yourself, or taking the baby with you rather than him getting sh*tty at you, but if you stop being a doormat, he'll stop walking all over you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like you have not clearly told him what you need and then enforced it.

Doing this in written form is best because that way he cannot interrupt you and change the topic.

Why are you staying with him? if I recall your other thread, he's being abusive and taking advantage of you.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

WHY does the baby go to daycare when dad is home all day???? And WHY does he go to take care of his horse AFTER the family gets home. 

If he "forgets" chores, do him a favor and make a list. Make it a T-chart. You on one side, him on the other. Then Sunday thru Saturday down the side. Next to each day write a chore or two that you each will do. ONE of yours is "Go to work". Make your chores the ones that are really, really priority....like "Feed and bathe baby". Make it like you are doing him a favor.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Strawberry Shortcake said:


> My husband just made a comment that totally pissed me off. He has been on short term disability since October because his blood pressure is too high for him to work around machines.
> 
> Most days when I get home even though he has been here ALL day the house is still a mess. I get off at 5, pick up the baby from daycare and come home and start cleaning up.
> 
> ...


I was in a similar situation with my wife. When I told her I needed a break, she said, OK, let's have a break. I enforced boundries, but as she was convinced she was working hard, it just seemed like random punishment. Giving her a slap might have helped, but is not legal and would have got me in trouble. It is ending in divorce.

I am assuming you have been through the balance to make him understand that you are doing more? In my case (and I think this is more of a woman thing, sorry), she did not understand that feeling like you had done it on an emotional level was not the same as doing it. In his case, it si hard to believe he is not aware (sorry for the sexism) but it is possible.

You probably less likely than I was to be advised that it is probably depression and to keep being more indulgent. If you are, bollocks to that. If he is depressed, it is what happens when you spend your days on your bum feeling sorry for yourself.

I am drawing parallels that may not be there of course.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Is it the element of surprise with your H? Is he a planner? I ask because I'm a huge planner and don't like surprises. Any change in my plans or any spontaneous activity causes me anxiety. While I can adapt to those changes, I don't like them.

Could you do a loose weekly schedule with your H as to how you'll be spending your time, i.e., on Mondays you'll go to the gym after you drop the baby home with him, Wednesdays you'll go to coffee with friends, Saturday you'll go shopping alone?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

When he whines about sex tell him that when he doesn't pull his weight around the house it makes it clear you're not partners and that isn't attractive. Tell him when your needs start getting met you'll find him more attractive. 

And next time don't give in, go to the store alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

His blood pressure is too high for him to work around machines. Isn't there medication for high blood pressure? What's being done to address that? Diet changes? Medication? Exercise? Certainly doesn't sound like the last one. 

It seems like him being home for long-term isn't really going to work. You have to still send the baby to daycare as he doesn't want to watch her. Even when people complain about lazy SAHMs who don't clean properly, they are still watching the kids. So, he's not watching the baby, he's not helping around the house. He conveniently waits all the time for you to bring the baby home to attend to chores he had all day to attend to so he doesn't need to help with that either. 

And then on top of all that he wants you to bring someone else into the house? Sorry, no matter how much I feel like your neighborhood might be a good influence on that 15 year old, coming and learning how to be a lazy oaf and how to take advantage of his spouse is hardly going to be a better lesson to learn.


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## Strawberry Shortcake (Dec 26, 2014)

Thanks everyone. Sometimes you know what the answer is, you just need someone else to say it. This helps.


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## DadOfFour (Mar 13, 2013)

I'm a guy and have been a SAHD for the last 5 years. I to was clueless about what needed to be done and IMHO you need to do what my wife did. She bought a whiteboard that fixed to the fridge and she would write down what needed to be done that day (before she got home) and if it wasn't done I was right in the poo. Why did she stick it to the fridge, well because us guy are in there every 5 minutes when we are at home and we can't claim we didn't notice the list of chores on it. Give it a go and see if it helps.:smthumbup:


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Strawberry Shortcake,

I have a hard time imagining anything more aggravating than what you've described.

At the same time, almost everything you've said sounds like a sure fire way to aggravate passive aggressive behavior.

Even the terminology, "Helping out around the house" conjures up an image of a twelve year old boy helping his Mommy clean up.

Two adults should be able to sit down and divvy up jobs in a fair way with each person being solely responsible for what they've agreed to do. It's just not human nature to respond well to the employer/employee dynamic in a marriage.

I know that's easier to say than to do, but if what you're doing is not working than it's time to try something else.


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