# Not Even Sure How To Put This



## treysdad1002 (Nov 1, 2015)

I have not found any story quite like mine yet so i would like to share with you all and see what feedback I get. On Jan 13th of this year my wife of 11 years admitted to having an affair. Here’s the thing it was 8 years ago, and according to her lasted 8-9 months. It was a work affair. One thing is that way back then I not only saw the signs like coming home late leaving early and such but I was told by many that something was going on. I confronted her back then and asked her if anything was going on she denied it I asked her if she would transfer from the location as to stop all the craziness and hurtful things that was swirling around me. Transferring was a simple thing to do for her yet she said that she would do no such thing because she wasn’t going to lose the place she had worked to get to. It would have been a lateral transfer no loss of recognition or status yet she demined it. I chose then to believe her even though there was beyond enough to prove it. It was too painful and my self-image said it was best. I always knew but dealt with it locked behind a door in my mind. There is more but I would like to address the present. She told me over the phone and refused to come home till work was over then when she got home she cried and apologized and swore to do everything and anything to help me and our marriage deal with this. We sought pro counseling and soon ran out of money for that. For 3-4 months after admitting it she did little or nothing while I am desperately seeking answers. She denied my requests to go to our church leaders and finally said she did not care about the situation or any part of it to her it had been 8 years ago and she claims it was the only time. In the time since Jan of this year to now I feel as though our marriage is no longer I have gone through mental hell and our son has endured tension despite efforts to keep it away from him. So just 2 days ago she admitted to purposely dragging her feet in doing her part and looking at herself because she did not want to face herself and feel the hurt it would cause. Am I right in saying she chose herself over me, our son’s right to a whole family, and our marriage. Or do I sit and wait because for the 50th time in 9 months she says she understands and will do more?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

What's with the weird capitalization?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> What's with the weird capitalization?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> :smile2: I was wondering the same thing. Great minds think alike =)


----------



## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

treysdad1002 said:


> I Have Not Found Any Story Quite Like Mine Yet So I Would Like To Share With You All And See What Feedback I Get. On Jan 13th Of This Year My Wife Of 11 Years Admitted To Having An Affair. Here’s The Thing It Was 8 Years Ago, And According To Her Lasted 8-9 Months. It Was A Work Affair. One Thing Is That Way Back Then I Not Only Saw The Signs Like Coming Home Late Leaving Early And Such But I Was Told By Many That Something Was Going On. I Confronted Here Back Then And Asked Her If Anything Was Going On She Denied It I Asked Her If She Would Transfer From The Location As To Stop All The Craziness And Hurtful Things That Was Swirling Around Me. Transferring Was A Simple Thing To Do For Her Yet She Said That She Would Do No Such Thing Because She Wasn’t Going To Lose The Place She Had Worked To Get To. It Would Have Been A Lateral Transfer No Loss Of Recognition Or Status Yet She Demined It. I Chose Then To Believe Her Even Though There Was Beyond Enough To Prove It. It Was Too Painful And My Self Image Said It Was Best. I Always Knew But Dealt With It Locked Behind A Door In My Mind. There Is More But I Would Like To Address The Present. She Told Me Over The Phone And Refused To Come Home Till Work Was Over Then When She Got Home She Cried And Apologized And Swore To Do Everything And Anything To Help Me And Our Marriage Deal With This. We Sought Pro Counseling And Soon Ran Out Of Money For That. For 3-4 Months After Admitting It She Did Little Or Nothing While I Am Desperately Seeking Answers. She denied My Requests To Go To Our Church Leaders And Finally Said She Did Not Care About The Situation Or Any Part Of It To Her It Had Been 8 Years Ago And She Claims It Was The Only Time. In The Time Since Jan Of This Year To Now I Feel As Though Our Marriage Is No Longer I Have Gone Through Mental Hell And Our Son Has Endured Tension Despite Efforts To Keep It Away From Him. So Just 2 Days Ago She Admitted To Purposely Dragging Her Feet In Doing Her Part And Looking At Herself Because She Did Not Want To Face Herself And Feel The Hurt It Would Cause. Am I Right In Saying She Chose Herself Over Me, Our Sons Right To A Whole Family, And Our Marriage. Or Do I Sit And Wait Because For The 50th Time In 9 Months She Says She Understands And Will Do More?


If there was ever a post to prove that the truth ALWAYS comes out, this is it. It seems to me that 8 years of pushing her poor choices under a rug have eaten her alive. I think your wife needs to give you space while you consider what is best for yourself and your son. How old is he? Families should stay together wherever possible, but infidelity and domestic violence are two reasons where this doesn't count. The way I see it she put you at risk of STD's and all that. What about your son? Similar story, my husband lied to me too a thousand times about his shenanigans. He did this to protect me said but in the end it didn't work because it killed our relationship. Have you been to counseling? By yourself or with your wife?


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Treysdad, sorry you are in this place but this happened 8 years ago and you have done your suffering, if anyone should be suffering it should be your WW. You need to turn the focus onto yourself, start doing things for yourself, whether it is IC, joining a sports club, etc. Your WW does not seem very repentant, she has dug her heels in. You need to let her know that she is not off the hook and you haven't decided whether you want her in your life or not yet, take your time as you are reliving the shock of what happened through her confession. You need to lay down some rules for her, 1) intensive IC for her 2)complete access to all her electronic equipment, etc. 3) complete disclosure of everything 4) letting this OM's W know of this. You may want MC later but you have to take time to heal and figure out what it is you want, leave her desires, needs out of it.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your writing is pretty hard to read. Ugh.

So why after 8 years does she decide to drop a bomb on you now???? Then do nothing to help you through it???

Very strange.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm guessing a computer glitch causes all the capitals.

First off, even when they come clean they usually trickle truth and lie about how bad it was. Did her actions at the time match up with what she admitted to?

Can you stay married to a lying cheat?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Kinda wondering how old the son is...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## kokonatsu (Feb 22, 2013)

Once I saw the words were all capitalized, I couldn't even read it, just amazed that someone would go through the trouble to do that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

sometimes android phones automatically put the first letter of each word in caps... im not sure why it does it, but it happens. i imagine it was a glitch. i seriously doubt OP did it intentionally.


----------



## timedoesnothealall (Sep 15, 2013)

I can handle the caps; the lack of paragraphs is what makes it truly unreadable.


----------



## treysdad1002 (Nov 1, 2015)

Sorry I was kind of not paying attention but I fixed it.


----------



## treysdad1002 (Nov 1, 2015)

My son is 8 just turned 8 in Oct I did demand DNA he is mine. She also says she did not admit it back then in order to protect me. I seem to think it was just more protecting herself, because if she had told me then the work would have had to begin then. She has said it was the best time of her life and it happened over 60 times in 8-9 months.


----------



## treysdad1002 (Nov 1, 2015)

Again sorry for the grammatical errors as I said I was thinking of other things thanks for your advice on my writing, it helps with my situation a lot. Sincerely treysdad


----------



## treysdad1002 (Nov 1, 2015)

Sorry for my writing style I just wasn't thinking about it I was desperate to say anything. I am not sure if I can stay, I have heard a lot of false promises in the last few months. I remember some actions matching up and many folks claiming to have seen touching and such.


----------



## treysdad1002 (Nov 1, 2015)

I guess that is what happened, like I said before it was a relief to just let it pour out.


----------



## treysdad1002 (Nov 1, 2015)

He is 8.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

What?
She said it was the best time of her life and she 60-80 times
during her 8 month affair? You still wish to stay with her? You have got to be kidding.
Clearly she did not care about putting your health at risk for STD's.
In addition, 60-80 times means that there had to be times that you were with her after she had been with him.
If I read your timeline correctly she was having non stop sex with her lover while she was pregnant with your baby.

If the roles had been reversed I doubt that she would have accepted such humiliation and disrespect from you.

If you do not respect yourself then who will?


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I can't see how this could ever work out. If it weren't for your young child, I would say divorce immediately. Even with that situation, I'd say you'll end up there eventually if she doesn't ever accept responsibility for her actions.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

treysdad1002 said:


> My son is 8 just turned 8 in Oct I did demand DNA he is mine. She also says she did not admit it back then in order to protect me. I seem to think it was just more protecting herself, because if she had told me then the work would have had to begin then. She has said it was the best time of her life and it happened over 60 times in 8-9 months.


Bullsh*t.

She was protecting HERSELF.

Please tell me that you're at least (seriously) considering divorce.


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

TreysDad,

As someone who also recently was informed of a relationship outside of marriage by the fWW many years ago, I feel your pain with every word. The initial realization is hard to grasp, and the self-blame for (1) not knowing about it and (2) not doing something to prevent it or stop it will eat at you. Here's a couple of suggestions:
A-W needs to answer your questions regarding her state of mind and the whys. Who did she get to be in this relationship? This will tell you what was lacking from you at the time. She cannot say "this was so long ago, can't we just move on". NO. It was a long time ago for her, for you it was yesterday! You have questions and she needs to answer every one.
B-Was the OM married? Contact the OMW and let her know. Also tell families. This action will prevent her from ever doing this again, as she knows everyone will be informed, which is embarrassing to her. Cheaters hate exposure. 

Gotta go, more to follow.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

honestly, i would not be able to stay married to someone who did that. its not just the infidelity... its more the deliberate deception and lying that would bother me. 

if i thought i had a truly remorseful spouse, who i still felt a deep emotional connection with, who did what your wife did, i would get a divorce and see if i still wanted to reconcile. if for no other reason than to clearly and definitively say "i will not tolerate this".


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

treysdad1002 said:


> *She has said it was the best time of her life and it happened over 60 times in 8-9 months.*



So, in 8 months of trickle truth it went from 1 time to 60 times...

She probably originally told you that the sex wasn't that good also. Then, eventually, she tells you "it was the best time of her life."...

What do you think that she'll tell you in the next 9 months...

It amazes me what some BS's think that they can handle/put up with. I would tell her this;

_"Over the course of the last 9 months, you've told me time and time again there's more, but that's every thing. Only to tell me even more later on down the line.

I will never be able to try to even begin to heal, or truly try to forgive you, unless I know 100% of the truth. I'm scheduling a polygraph test. If you refuse to take it, that can only mean that there is even more you haven't told me and that you really don't want to stay married to me."
_
I doubt very much that you have the entire truth. You may think that you can live like this, but eventually it will destroy any chance you may of had in a successful R.

If you take this advice and tell her to take a poly, watch carefully to gauge her initial reaction. She may tell you that she will take it, then either give a little more information and say that's it. Now I don't need to take the poly, or just refuse to take it straight out.

If either of these things happen, you'll never be able to successfully R. Not for long anyway. At this point, for all you know it could gave been 260 times, lasted far longer then you now think you know and this OM wasn't her only...


----------



## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Some parallels to offer if that helps...

I disclosed my A 23 years later after encouragement and support from TAM members. I thought my H was having an A with his coworker and it was (among other things) hypocritical to expect the truth from him while not being truthful myself.

It is a very odd situation to be in. For you it is new information-your despair is raw and all consuming.
For her this has been swept under the carpet for 8 years, minimized and compartmentalized. On the surface it has little or nothing to do with her life now. (but of course it has everything to do with it)

She knows intellectually how wrong her behaviour was (so she can say, and sincerely mean that she is sorry and will do the work that needs to be done to help you through this) She loves you and her family. Emotionally however she has distanced her self from the pain and responsibility of her actions. That helps her to believe that she still deserves the good husband and life she now has.

I felt such relief in finally telling him. The guilt and shame of being deceitful all these years was lifted. I have to remind myself that although my soul feels healed and my character feels more aligned with my actions now- I behaved terribly back then. I own all his pain and my remorse needs to be complete and sincere……

I have finally forgiven myself but it will take a much longer time for him to get to the same point if he even is able to.

My H is partly upset that I took away his choice by not disclosing all that time ago. He feels that he may have left me had he known back then. He wanted to know very few details and is working on forgiveness. Even so he frequently reminds me that it never goes away for him, its always at the back of his mind somewhere. He knows I will tell him whatever he wants to know and that I am willing to take a polygraph to prove that I have told him the truth and that there has never been another A or EA.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

treysdad1002 said:


> My son is 8 just turned 8 in Oct I did demand DNA he is mine. She also says she did not admit it back then in order to protect me. I seem to think it was just more protecting herself, because if she had told me then the work would have had to begin then. She has said it was the best time of her life and it happened over 60 times in 8-9 months.


The protecting you line is almost insulting at some point because it never is about protecting you, only themselves 

The best time in her life is the most telling. She has created in her head the "perfect world" out of this. She wants to hold onto that image in her head and not have it tarnished with reality. Your probably never going to get a full and complete story out of her after all this time. 

Why has this come out now? Something had to trigger this and I doubt it was her "guilt" over the years.


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

You can look at this as it is in the past and try to work on this but for me there would be no way I would be able to do it. Some people will argue to stay for your kid. I did stay for my kid and I kept my kids but I kicked her out. Your never going to really forget this. Sure you can go to counceling but staying with her and her lack of morals will just brush off on your child. If you want your child to see a real difference you have to be the one to set the tone and show your child its not ok to accept this behavior. 

I was six months old when my mom found out my father had cheated on her. She learned about it from a friend of the family. She waited till he came home that weekend and never said a thing to him. She knew she just had to get passed the weekend and he would be out of town again. Once he was gone she packed us up and left him and never said a word to him. I never learned about this until I had experience being cheated on by three different women. I think had I known about it sooner it would have been a source of strength for me sooner. 

My children are far better off without there mother in the picture. Now you might not be able to get custody but nothing says you cant fight for joint and spend as much time as you can showing your good morals and good examples for your child to grow up as healthy as possible. 

Any one that can betray you like this can betray your son in other ways. Keep that in mind. My xW lies to my kids all the time and puts them in really horrible situations that just breaks there heart.

Sorry your going through this.

C


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

She drops this turd on you to make herself feel better but does nothing to alleviate your pain. I doubt she's been a good wife all these years. Things just improved from the low point that you've accepted scraps from a wife who doesn't respect you.

That she was fvcking somebody so many times while pregnant, putting the baby at risk, shows the kind of woman she is. Personally I would file D and not look back. 

She's to high and mighty. I'd bet money she isn't in love with you. She's going through the motions and you're supposed to consider yourself lucky that she didn't leave. I'm telling you File D and go HARD 180. If down the road she is able to earn your love you can remarry and have a new relationship because the last 8 years have been a lie.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

treysdad1002 said:


> She has said it was the best time of her life and it happened over 60 times in 8-9 months.


 Then if it was me I would let her know, "why stop at 60 and if it was the best time of your life then don't let me stop you" and I would hand her suitcases and tell her to go with the guy and if he's not around then someone else but you don't want her in your life or home.

The woman is cold, selfish and as no respect for you. No doubt she's there for the comfort of home and nothing more so do the smart thing and find a good lawyer, and get rid of her ASAP.


----------



## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

treysdad1002 said:


> My son is 8 just turned 8 in Oct I did demand DNA he is mine. She also says she did not admit it back then in order to protect me. I seem to think it was just more protecting herself, because if she had told me then the work would have had to begin then. She has said it was the best time of her life and it happened over 60 times in 8-9 months.


Read what you wrote here a few more times. If that isn't enough to make you divorce her, not much more can be said, imo...

You've been married for 11 years, and she outright told you the best time of her life was an 8-9 period of time when she was bangin' another guy. And she didn't tell you, to protect YOU. This woman is a huge liar and narcissist. If she thinks that period was the best time of her life, she's going to do it again, to get that feeling back. She's not worried about you... You can stay with her and be miserable at what she did and what she is, or you can get out and find a woman who will really love you and value your love, loyality and fidelity.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Why did she tell you? Is she still in contact with OM? Still working with him?

I would have her served and tell her you are about to have the best time of your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Since nobody else has said it....Get the kid DNA tested immediately.....In fact, send her to get the test kit, and let her watch you do it, and ship it off...


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

treysdad1002 said:


> My son is 8 just turned 8 in Oct* I did demand DNA he is mine*. She also says she did not admit it back then in order to protect me. I seem to think it was just more protecting herself, because if she had told me then the work would have had to begin then. She has said it was the best time of her life and it happened over 60 times in 8-9 months.





Woodchuck said:


> Since nobody else has said it....Get the kid DNA tested immediately.....In fact, send her to get the test kit, and let her watch you do it, and ship it off...


----------



## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here.

Divorce her my friend. There is nothing more to save. You even asked her to switch jobs because of the rumours. 

Your wife thinks only about herself. You and your son are somewhere in the back of her head.

She is not telling you the truth. Are you sure this is only one Affair ??? I think she was sleeping around a lot.

EXPOSE this to your friends and family. She is going to have a lot of bad talks about you,how you are abusive and staff like that.

Also she is so cold,she has no respect for you.She told you it was the best time in her life.

Divorce her and told her she can have OM because she is not worth of your love,pain and hurt.
Find yourself another woman who will respect you and love you.


----------



## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Yikes! I wrote my last post before reading about the 60 times and saying it was the best time of her life. I am so sorry she has felt the need to disclose, hurt and then finish it off by crushing your soul.

Did you ask her how many times she was with the OM or did she volunteer that information? Did you ask a question about her emotional state back then or was that detail volunteered?

Why does she want to hurt you so badly? Is there more to the story? No marriage consists in the vacuum of Dday and after. You have eleven years of history. I'm wondering if she has been blaming you for her lack of character. I definitely blamed my H for "making" me so unhappy that I felt desperate enough to go down that road. Now I understand how and why the A is mine alone to feel bad about. 


Is it possible she has started it up again with the OM? Is she letting the cat out of the bag slowly?


----------



## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

You call and identify yourself Trey's Dad. For Trey's sake then not only show him you're his Dad but also show him what it means to be a man.

Your wife is not remorseful and doesn't deserve your forgiveness or a second chance until she is.

Consult a lawyer and make sure she knows how you feel because you and your son can do, and deserve, better.

Good luck,

Seasalt


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Paternity test the kid
Speak to an attorney
Do a hard 180 and do it for you.
Get some IC to figure out why in the hell you put up with this
She has zero remorse and is a proven and skilled liar.

Assuming that your 8-year old son is actually yours, then she risked his health an yours since she was pregnant and having an affair.

But hey, it was the time of her life.

Sorry, I don't see anything worth saving.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Ugh, what it sounds like is I need to get this guilt off my chest and since it was so long ago lets just forget it. 

Nice if that works I guess?????

Sounds like something prompted this???? Hmmmmmm

Told you over the phone??? Geeze!

Does he have a name or did she keep that part secret????

That's going to be hard to live with long term. No trust, lying, cheating!!!

Ugh just ugh. Sorry you are here man.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Not buying it man. This woman all of a sudden felt so guilty she confessed, but still won't work to save the marriage.

I'd say she is bored and needs some entertainment.
That seem more likely.
So why not torture you, then spread it out for months on end.
After all, you knew she was spreading for another man,, hell, everybody knew, but you stuck your head in the sand for your self image.

Question for you,,, how's that self image doing these day? 

Tam, do yourself and your image a big favor, and just walk away from this cancer.


----------



## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

A lot of similarities to your WW and mine:

* after we split, she revealed she lied to me "twice"...once she said she was going to her female friend's house, when she went to a funeral for an ex boyfriend's dad, three years ago during our marriage. She also told me she was paying her son's car insurance, who lived on his own, when she told me at the time she wasn't. If there were these lies, there were others. These were trickle truths she told me after we split to alleviate a wee bit of guilt, I guess.

* she told me she should have kept me as a "renter" ( I moved in with her, in to her house when we met and then wed ) instead of a husband. Told me I was a "mistake".

* I lived 9 years of a lie. She was not the woman I thought. Betrayed, lied to, false persona/character. Although I have no proof of infidelity while married, she quickly ( within weeks ) began sleeping with co-workers, and friends of mine, and bragged to me about it like I was one of her girlfriends. Logic and assumption, albeit not proven, would dictate that this most likely went on while married, especially near the end.

My advice would be to end the marriage. Your mind will be a mess living every day with a spouse that has done this to you. I'm sorry, but you can't go back to bread once you make toast.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> So why after 8 years does she decide to drop a bomb on you now???? Then do nothing to help you through it???
> 
> Very strange.


Someone threatened to expose. Admitting is FAR better.

She has no interest in helping him. She's still thinking of herself only.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm always suspicious of the motive of a WS who confesses their A in situations like this. I default to the belief that they only confess because they fear someone else is getting close to spilling the beans. And based on how you describe your wife, I'd be even more suspicious. 

Obviously your wife is not remorseful. She doesn't get that because you just now found out yourself; it's a new betrayal to you. There's no statute of limitations on demonstrating remorse when you're newly betrayed.

Bottom line - IF you want to consider R; she accepts consequences and demonstrates remorse. Otherwise you should divorce her.


----------



## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Someone threatened to expose. Admitting is FAR better.
> 
> She has no interest in helping him. She's still thinking of herself only.


You know I thought this too. And then I had a second thought that maybe dumping this in his lap now, especially with the soul killing remark that it was the best time or her life, is her way of pushing him to divorce her so she can feel like it was he that ended the marriage not her. So in her own twisted mind she will feel less 
guilty. She is after all, all about her feelings and little else.

The reasons she is wanting to end the marriage now could be many but my bet is she has either hooked back up the old AP (which would explain the "best time of her life remark", as she just got a fresh dose of oxytocin) or she has a new one on speed dial. 

In this case however I would accommodate her desire and kick her to the curb yesterday. A man might be able to get over an affair but I just cant conceive of a man that can come back from her telling him that the 8-9 months with an AP was the best time of her life. That level of contempt is unfathomable. It would be a specter haunting the marriage forever, despite a willing BH and a remorseful WW. 

Which she ain't!


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think the thing that would be the most hurtful is her telling you it was the best time of her life and that it happened so many times. I don't think there's really any recovering after that. I agree with others here that you should expose her to all family both your's and her's and tell them it's the reason you a divorcing her. She did nothing to help you through this and to assure you that it won't happen again. If it was the best time of her life, what's stopping her from getting more? You need to have the best time of your life...without her.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

treysdad1002 said:


> She has said it was the best time of her life and it happened over 60 times in 8-9 months.


 Her saying that "it was the best time of her life" says it all. That is just plain cold blooded. She just told you to your face that you are and always have been second place in her heart to this other man. She directly compared you to the other man and told you that you fell short. It shows that she has no regret, and that her time with the other man means more to her than her any time with you the entire time that she has known you. That this went on so early in your marriage, means that she never gave you a fair chance for most of your marriage. Sorry, but that would be enough for me. I am not sure if I could deal with this and stay married to her if I were you. You are the one that is living it so you must be the one to decide, but do not think that there is something wrong with you for feeling the way that you do about it. Do not let your wife or anyone else, including a therapist every get away with telling you to deal with it. You have a right to be upset and to question staying married.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

treysdad1002 said:


> She has said it was the best time of her life and it happened over 60 times in 8-9 months.


So why are you with someone who has the best time of her life and it isn't with you? Slap in the face.

BTW, how many times have you both had sex in the past 8-9 months? I'm pretty sure it isn't even close to that number....


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

treysdad1002 said:


> My son is 8 just turned 8 in Oct I did demand DNA he is mine. She also says she did not admit it back then in order to protect me. I seem to think it was just more protecting herself, because if she had told me then the work would have had to begin then. She has said it was the best time of her life and it happened over 60 times in 8-9 months.


Am I wrong here?

She told you that having the affair was the best time in her life?

So the period where she was disrespecting you as her husband and making a joke of your marriage by fvcking POSOM was the "best time of her life". You can bet that if she admitted to 8-9 months, it was much longer.

She did not tell you any of this at the time because you were, and still are her plan B. The safe option should her exciting new life fail to work out.

That alone would send me to the divorce attorney no matter how long ago it happened.


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

So how was the last 8 years of marriage (after the A)? If it was great then you cannot discount that. And if she voluntarily admitted the A (without risk/threat of exposure), then you have to give her credit for that.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

MAJDEATH said:


> So how was the last 8 years of marriage (after the A)? If it was great then you cannot discount that. And if she voluntarily admitted the A (without risk/threat of exposure), then you have to give her credit for that.


Normally I would give credit to the WW for voluntarily confessing. What is suspicious is that it took her 8 years. Why now?

I have to think that somehow someone who has known about the affair threatened exposure. She thought confessing before exposure was her best option. She has been lying through hiding the truth from him for 8 years. There has to be an urgent reason for the confession at this time.

Again - her statement to him that the affair was the best time in her life - even after 8 years with him would end this "marriage" immediately. No "I am sorry I did it". No "please forgive me". Only "It was the best time of my life".


----------



## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

She was bragging about her Affair to her friends and co-workers and then suddenly someone with respect and morals wanted to tell you about it.

She told you over the phone,damn man she has ZERO respect for you and no shame at all.

Expose please for your sake,because she is going to make you like a bad guy,trust me on this one.

-DNA test your son.
-Check yourself because of STDs,you cant trust her and she seems like a woman who will go into bed so easly.
-SERVE her with Divorce papers and be happy my friend.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Because of the gap between the affair and the confession, then her "best time of my life" statement. I seriously doubt it was a one time thing. Someone was about to blow her cover on that one - thus the hasty confession.

Probably have been others you don't have a clue about.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

She must not like you very much to tell you the way she did and to stomp on the last of your ego by saying that her lover was the best time of her life.

She obviously has fond memories of fvcking him that she cherishes... more than she cares abut you, your marriage or family.

Perhaps lover boy knows the child is his or suspects it and is threatening to spill the beans. Perhaps someone else was going to spill the beans.

Doesn't really matter why- hr reveal is as cold hearted as they come. 

Lawyer up, put this mistake in your rear view


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

From my perspective, you have to compare two women. The woman from 8 years ago who was immature, who may have been freaking out about being newly married and having a kid, and who wanted to have an A, and who wanted to keep knowledge of the A from you.

The other woman is 8 yrs of marriage older, who does not want to have As, and who decided to be honest about an old A, even when she didn't have to tell you.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

MAJDEATH said:


> From my perspective, you have to compare two women. The woman from 8 years ago who was immature, who may have been freaking out about being newly married and having a kid, and who wanted to have an A, and who wanted to keep knowledge of the A from you.
> 
> The other woman is 8 yrs of marriage older, who does not want to have As, and who decided to be honest about an old A, even when she didn't have to tell you.


The affair was eight years ago(maybe). The cruel remarks and lack of willingness to help save the marriage is current.

On top of that, there is a lot of doubt he knows even half of what happened. Was it "only nine months". Everything she says has to be verified. Who else knew, who was he, was he married? Was he someone you knew? Etc.


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You have lived a lie for 8 years. Your marriage has been a sham for 8 Years. Nothing is going to give you that time back. Do not allow her to rob anymore of your precious life. Let her go and you need counseling to help you with the damage her deceit left in you. What a despicable woman. 

Expose, expose, expose...everyone needs to know how despicable she is. It's not even close to fair, but it's a start.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

treysdad1002 said:


> My son is 8 just turned 8 in Oct I did demand DNA he is mine. She also says she did not admit it back then in order to protect me. I seem to think it was just more protecting herself, because if she had told me then the work would have had to begin then. She has said it was the best time of her life and it happened over 60 times in 8-9 months.


Oh, that's nice for her. 

But not nice for you. 

Has she acknowledged how much her truth has cut into you?

Does she understand what it did to you?

I have been a victim of thoughtless truth from my wife so I can offer you empathy based on personal experience.

This is raw for you, counselling is a must no matter what you decide to do.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Best time of her life vs 11 years with you.

She doesn't love you anymore and hasn't for a long time. Likely, since the affair or before. 

She just waited to tell you now so you'd leave her. 

So leave her.


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Bibi1031 said:


> You have lived a lie for 8 years. Your marriage has been a sham for 8 Years. Nothing is going to give you that time back.


How do you know that? The OP has not commented on the quality of the M over the last 8 yrs. And what time back? Did they not enjoy the results of M over the years? Having kids, anniversaries, dealing with daily life, wtc. You cannot ignore the good.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

What is the precise timeline of the affair referenced to her pregnancy?

What does she say is the reason she ended the affair? If it was the best time of her life, why end it?

I would insist she write out a detailed timeline of the affair to the best of her ability. If you want sexual details fine, but if not that is fine too. Maybe when she first had any kind of sex with him as a minimum. If you don't want to know positions or sex acts then don't ask for it. Definitely when and where they met for sex. She won't remember many specific dates but probably remembers a few. A birthday, an anniversary, a holiday, etc. In any case she can tell you where they went, if it was usually the same time of day or same day of the week, etc. You'll want to know if it was ever in your home, your bed, your car. You should know if they had sex or went on dates anywhere which was special to you then or now.

This is then one question in a polygraph, did she tell you the full and complete truth without leaving anything out or misrepresenting anything in that timeline?

Regardless that the affair was so long ago, your recovery is the same as if you discovered a current affair. For her it is old history, but that has no bearing on your recovery.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I am pro marriage and pro family. I don't want to jump on a bandwagon telling you to D quite yet.

I am bothered by a few things with what she did and said. The fact she had sex with another man is not the issue, presuming she was not a virgin when you met her. She has had sex with other men than you in the past. Ok, not something we men like to think about, but her having an affair is not about her knowing what another man feels like. It is about the deception, the disloyalty, and the carelessness she displayed towards you, your marriage, and your child.

The affair sex is definitely an issue because it happened while she was supposed to be sexually exclusive with you. There are emotional issues involved with that, so I'm not minimizing the affair sex. Just that it isn't everything in terms of "getting over" the affair.

So, for me, the biggest issue is determining that she is no longer capable of those deceptions and disloyalty. If she is a different person now, then her affair sex fades into the same category as sex with previous boyfriends before you. An irritation when you think of it perhaps. But if you believe wholeheartedly she is no longer capable of those deceptions and betrayals, then you can feel secure in the marriage going forward, if you ultimately choose to stay.

What bothers me first is she broke off an affair which was apparently very fun and rewarding. Sex 3 times per week sustained over nearly a year. That's a lot of time and effort. Why break it off?

Secondly, she still regards it as the best time of her life. It would be different if she said she found it fun or exciting at the time but now realizes how empty or stupid it was. This tells me it is not over in her mind somehow. She still holds onto it as a good time. She should be horrified at what she did, which should change her current view of it. This makes me think she is not only not remorseful, but has a mindset which could enable a future affair.

Thirdly, she confesses out of the blue. Over the telephone. Then she won't come home for a while. This just doesn't make sense to me. Why not come home and tell you in person? My opinion so far is that she confessed out of duress, which then makes the confession worthless in terms of bonus points for honesty. She would have continued to hide the affair if she could. That's how this looks to me so far.

Fourth, she isn't making any substantive effort to change, and/or is incapable of change. If she were a slobbering snot blob crying at your feet begging for forgiveness, and backing it up with real effort, then I'd think she may be capable of the deep changes needed.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Thor said:


> I am pro marriage and pro family. I don't want to jump on a bandwagon telling you to D quite yet.
> 
> I am bothered by a few things with what she did and said. The fact she had sex with another man is not the issue, presuming she was not a virgin when you met her. She has had sex with other men than you in the past. Ok, not something we men like to think about, but her having an affair is not about her knowing what another man feels like. It is about the deception, the disloyalty, and the carelessness she displayed towards you, your marriage, and your child.
> 
> ...


All those reasons for me add up to one conclusion:

She chose to wait to tell you for this moment because she now wants to treat 8 years ago as an exit affair. 

She's been planning this for some time. 

She doesn't want to work on it now because she was hoping you'd leave when she told you, then didn't come home, isn't acting regretful, and instead tells you it was the best time of her life. 

She's not working on it because she wants you to take a hint. 

She just can't bring herself to tell you to leave. She wants you to leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I can't help but agree that she was about to be exposed, probably for current infidelity, and reached back to the one time that you were obviously suspicious in order to 'confess.' Since it was so long ago, she can use the 'oh, it was years ago and not worth getting so upset about now' line. Her confession consumes you and makes sure both that she has a good chance of you not divorcing her and that you won't look for anything more. 

It is all far too fishy. When serial cheaters are caught, they let out one confession, usually from the early days. If the BS stays resolute and digs, however, the whole house of cards comes down.

My money is on her cheating serially and admitting this as almost a diversion. I'm sorry, OP, but I would start really digging if I were you.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

TDSC60 said:


> I have to think that somehow someone who has known about the affair threatened exposure. She thought confessing before exposure was her best option. She has been lying through hiding the truth from him for 8 years. There has to be an urgent reason for the confession at this time.





Be smart said:


> She was bragging about her Affair to her friends and co-workers and then suddenly someone with respect and morals wanted to tell you about it.


Incredibly plausible stuff guys. It's very likely someone threatened to rat her out and she decided to do damage control and tell you first. Especially since she did it on the phone. It might have been so urgent she couldn't wait to go home first incase the other person got to you first.

The "best time of my life" stuff.... HEARTLESS. EVIL. ZERO RESPECT for you.

Think about that. FVCKING another guy behind her husband's back for almost a year and lying to him about it, KNOWING it would crush you, was the BEST TIME in her life. What does she think of you? I'm guessing your somewhere between dog sh!t and gum under her shoe in terms of worth to her.

DNA the kid if you haven't already. This is a NO BRAINER. There's basically a solid 50/50 chance he's NOT yours. 8 yrs isn't a lifetime OP. You still got ALOT of life left to live. Cut your losses and RUN for the hills. This ones a real piece of GARBAGE.


----------



## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

marduk said:


> All those reasons for me add
> 
> up to one conclusion:
> 
> ...


I am reading it the same way Md, the only thing she did not say in that bomb shell was the om had a bigger dingdong


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

MAJDEATH said:


> How do you know that? The OP has not commented on the quality of the M over the last 8 yrs. And what time back? Did they not enjoy the results of M over the years? Having kids, anniversaries, dealing with daily life, wtc. You cannot ignore the good.



What quality of marriage? The rug sweeping is quality of nothing. It's hiding the truth because there would be no marriage if the truth was known. He knew something was wrong. He wanted her to leave that job. She dismissed him and lied because she was having the best time of her life.

What husband can compete with that? You sure can ignore the good that was only in his head because once she said those terrible hurtful words: "It was the best time of my life" , he is going to have some awful mind movies of the years she kept her dirty little secret SECRET. 

She sure did rob him of his life. He can never get that back. He deserved the truth. If he would of stayed anyway then it was fair game, but since she didn't, she stole from him those years. 

I can't see it any other way. 

Bibi


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Again why tell you now? What else was occurring in your life? It seems this has been a long time simmering in the background for eight years. Like a slow growing cancer it has prevented your marriage from becoming what it should have become. Understand whatever the issues in the marriage, this cancer is on her alone.

Her refuser to go to church leaders is very controlling, unless she can provide specific and compelling reasons and a valid alternative. Heal your self and son first.

And the "best time....." WTF pack your bags there's the door !!!! I thought she didn't want to hurt you.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Time to 180


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> “…because for the 50th time in 9 months she says she understands and will do more?
> She has said it was the best time of her life and it happened over 60 times in 8-9 months”


*The above are very bad signs for taking the reconciliation route.*







> I have gone through mental hell and our son has endured tension despite efforts to keep it away from him


This is very unhealthy for you and your son as you well know. If your wife does not make a strong turn around, be really remorseful, and prove that with ACTIONS, then your emotional life will get worse. In addition, your son would be better off with separated/divorced parents than with parents that are emotionally crippled to the point that they are no longer able to give your son the best help.

*If I were you I would make a DEMAND and demand that every action be taken by her and you to try and save the marriage. I would do this immediatly and if she does not agree and prove with actions then you should end the marriage so that you can heal better and so that your son will have less tension and a much better chance at lif*e.


----------



## txcowby8 (Mar 29, 2015)

kokonatsu said:


> Once I saw the words were all capitalized, I couldn't even read it, just amazed that someone would go through the trouble to do that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Get over the capitalization and read the dudes story. Maybe he had the cap lock on and didn't realize it when your world is falling apart that's the least of his worries.


----------



## txcowby8 (Mar 29, 2015)

timedoesnothealall said:


> I can handle the caps; the lack of paragraphs is what makes it truly unreadable.


Is this a place where we are graded on proper grammar and punctuation or where we can let put thoughts flow and ask for help!!!!????? Grow up people


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

txcowby8 said:


> Get over the capitalization and read the dudes story. Maybe he had the cap lock on and didn't realize it when your world is falling apart that's the least of his worries.





txcowby8 said:


> Is this a place where we are graded on proper grammar and punctuation or where we can let put thoughts flow and ask for help!!!!????? Grow up people


It wasn't caps lock. Each word was capitalized... as in the first letter only. No one was grading the guy, it was simply difficult to read. That's all.

Anyway, that was pages ago, and there's been plenty of input since then.


----------



## txcowby8 (Mar 29, 2015)

treysdad1002 said:


> My son is 8 just turned 8 in Oct I did demand DNA he is mine. She also says she did not admit it back then in order to protect me. I seem to think it was just more protecting herself, because if she had told me then the work would have had to begin then. She has said it was the best time of her life and it happened over 60 times in 8-9 months.


Wow buddy I feel so sorry for you. Why is she bringing this up now. It's very fishy... Glad your son is yours but it takes more to be a dad than just DNA as we all know. I would be watching her like a hawk especially since she seems to show very little remorse and practically rubbing your face in it by says it was the time of her life. She sounds like a very SELFISH WOMAN. Get some personal counseling and for your son as well kids pickup on more than we realize. I would watch her communications, texts, emails, phone bills, where she is at all times. Put her on a time schedule. Make her account for her where abouts from now on until you feel secure. You have just become the warden of a cheating wife.
If a spouse cheats once they will do it again especially when it's done at work.... Mine did it two times. Busted her each time


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

txcowby8 said:


> Wow buddy I feel so sorry for you. Why is she bringing this up now. It's very fishy... Glad your son is yours but it takes more to be a dad than just DNA as we all know. I would be watching her like a hawk especially since she seems to show very little remorse and practically rubbing your face in it by says it was the time of her life. She sounds like a very SELFISH WOMAN. Get some personal counseling and for your son as well kids pickup on more than we realize. I would watch her communications, texts, emails, phone bills, where she is at all times. Put her on a time schedule. Make her account for her where abouts from now on until you feel secure. You have just become the warden of a cheating wife.
> *If a spouse cheats once they will do it again especially when it's done at work.... Mine did it two times. Busted her each time*


If you busted her twice, then she likely did it WAY more than that.

Anyway, I hope she's your ex.


----------



## txcowby8 (Mar 29, 2015)

MAJDEATH said:


> TreysDad,
> 
> As someone who also recently was informed of a relationship outside of marriage by the fWW many years ago, I feel your pain with every word. The initial realization is hard to grasp, and the self-blame for (1) not knowing about it and (2) not doing something to prevent it or stop it will eat at you. Here's a couple of suggestions:
> A-W needs to answer your questions regarding her state of mind and the whys. Who did she get to be in this relationship? This will tell you what was lacking from you at the time. She cannot say "this was so long ago, can't we just move on". NO. It was a long time ago for her, for you it was yesterday! You have questions and she needs to answer every one.
> ...


Good sound advice. Cheaters want to sweep everything under the rug with a bunch of I'm sorry's and I love you's. And that just doesn't fix it for the other spouse. I was so affected by my wires cheating that I started to have problems in the bedroom that a I had never had. When she tried to be intimate with me I would immediately go to thinking did he touch you like I am or was he bigger and better. Those thoughts will eat you up and destroy your self image. I had to go to counseling or I would have went insane. Luckily we went together as well. That's been 5 years ago and to this day I still catch myself wondering things when we're being intimate. No one should have to deal with a cheating spouse. We had 2 small children at the time and I wasn't going to miss out on seeing them grow up. 
I feel for you.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I would be more apt to believe her years late confession was genuine honesty and contrition *IF* it was followed by genuine remorse.

It wasn't.


----------



## txcowby8 (Mar 29, 2015)

EVG39 said:


> You know I thought this too. And then I had a second thought that maybe dumping this in his lap now, especially with the soul killing remark that it was the best time or her life, is her way of pushing him to divorce her so she can feel like it was he that ended the marriage not her. So in her own twisted mind she will feel less
> guilty. She is after all, all about her feelings and little else.
> 
> The reasons she is wanting to end the marriage now could be many but my bet is she has either hooked back up the old AP (which would explain the "best time of her life remark", as she just got a fresh dose of oxytocin) or she has a new one on speed dial.
> ...


Amen you hit the nail on the head. It's always there in the room haunting you. Trust me


----------



## txcowby8 (Mar 29, 2015)

TDSC60 said:


> Am I wrong here?
> 
> She told you that having the affair was the best time in her life?
> 
> ...


New word of the day POSOM : Piece of [email protected] Other Man


----------



## txcowby8 (Mar 29, 2015)

TDSC60 said:


> Because of the gap between the affair and the confession, then her "best time of my life" statement. I seriously doubt it was a one time thing. Someone was about to blow her cover on that one - thus the hasty confession.
> 
> Probably have been others you don't have a clue about.


Here's a thought she may have started up with a new coworker and his wife or significant other found out and is threatening to blow up her world. So instead she picks up the phone calls poor unsuspecting hubby and drops a Huge Bombshell in his lap. No I'm sorry no please forgive me, just I had an affair while I was pregnant and it was the best time of my life. Deal with it baby and move on we have brunch at the Smiths on Sunday. Then to poor salt in the wound she tells him how great it was an how often she was unfaithful. She had to be coming home from the other man and crawling into bed with hubby while she was fully loaded with another mans junk in her trunk. Disgusting but true. 
I guarantee you she didn't just have the One Affair. She's just hiding her time and telling bits and pieces of the last 8 years slowly for some sick entertainment. Could be the other man is still around and they get off on watching the unsuspecting husband be cuckolded


----------



## txcowby8 (Mar 29, 2015)

marduk said:


> All those reasons for me add up to one conclusion:
> 
> She chose to wait to tell you for this moment because she now wants to treat 8 years ago as an exit affair.
> 
> ...


She wants you to be the one to leave so she can make you out to be the bad guy. Plus if you leave by law most states give her the home. Read your states laws for divorce and then sit there and make her life as miserable as she has made you....


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Treysdad

What has your wife been like these past 8 years post affair?

Good wife? Good Mom? Good person?

Have you asked her what outcome she wants by dropping this bomb on you now?

HM


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

You guys are all concerned about the timing of her confession. Is there some big conspiracy or was she about to be exposed? Likely not.

Maybe she just wanted to get it off her chest and she feels it has been long enough ago that she feels confident that her H won't leave her. That simple.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

MAJDEATH said:


> You guys are all concerned about the timing of her confession. Is there some big conspiracy or was she about to be exposed? Likely not.
> 
> Maybe she just wanted to get it off her chest and she feels it has been long enough ago that she feels confident that her H won't leave her. That simple.


You may be right.

But her saying the affair period was the best time in her life, that was just designed to hurt OP and is plain evil. This statement is the twist to the story that makes me step back from simple explanations.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

It is not just evil but cruel. It shows her intent to inflict pain years after her affair.

I repeat. Her affair.

Let's see if the OP comes back with an update.


----------



## sungazer (Nov 3, 2015)

I don't think it's the full story. Not in terms of her other lovers, but in terms of what OP did to make his wife go so nasty on him. To me, it sounds like they were having a bad fight, and she just spilled all that information to hurt him in return for... something. It doesn't sound like her intend was to come clean or what not... And who knows what drove her to that...

This is not to excuse her affair, but to put their conversation in perspective. She doesn't want to "work on it", and unless she is mentally disabled, she has a reason for that. 

As to home, courts divide acuity 50/50 IN MOST STATES. It won't go to one party over the other because one leaves and the other stays. It's a joint property at best, and it's to be divided 50/50. Proving 8 years old infidelity to influence the judge is next to impossible. 

I feel sorry for the boy. Now, he doesn't even know that he may have no father in his life...


----------

