# I want to stop having sex with my wife.



## JJC (Feb 2, 2016)

Sorry this is so long and kinda rambling! 
My wife it the best person I have ever met. My best friend whom I adore. So you would think great sex would follow, not so much. 
We have been married for 5 years. I am 36 she is 32. We didn't have sex until we were married, I had had one partner and she was a virgin and we both wanted to wait.
Sex was never great for us, she has never had a orgasm that she knows of. This is not for a lack of trying, trust me I would do, and have done, just about anything to help her climax. We have tried everything there is short of therapy. If you can think of it we tried it. I think it might have to something to do with a accident when she was a teenager and fell and landed straddling a bar which she described as the worst pain she has ever experienced. I think it may have caused nerve damage. 

The point is that while she says that sex isn't a bad experience, I know that it is frustrating for her and while she really wants to do it for me and does do it for me I can't help but feel like a total jerk for getting off while she isn't really getting anything out of it and is only trying to please me. 
This leads me to not ask for sex very often, before you know it 2-3 weeks have gone by. I feel like I am doing this for her. 
This is where it gets complicated, she says that she doesn't feel desired when I don't try to have sex with her, so we commit to being more consistent and regular with sex which we are for a short time, then a few days go by and I am wondering when it will happen again, which is torture, and the pressure builds and builds, then I start using mind over matter until the urges die down and I kinda even out, and then the cycle starts over again. Its the up and down that I can't stand anymore. It takes a great amount of energy to subdue my urges but once I do, I feel that I am better off with no sex at all. Even though I would say I have a pretty high sex drive. 
I have suggested that we just forget about sex since it doesn't do much for her anyway but, she won't hear of it. She says she will not live in a sexless marriage and it wouldn't be fair to me. I just don't know how to get it across that the lack of consistency and the never knowing if last night was the last night for a few weeks or if something will happen tonight is harder then knowing that it will never happen.

So yeah, I wan't to stop having sex with my wife. Crazy as that sounds.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Tell your wife what you posted. 

If it really is a medical problem, modern medicine (not drugs) can do wonders. Ask her to see a specialist in nerve damage or whatever her doctor recommends.

Also concurrent with dealing with the root cause, you also need to deal with the impact on the two of you.

After she has seen a medical doctor, tell her that you would like to go talk to a sex therapist, either by yourself or better yet with her. Tell her it is not about anyone being broken and in need of fixing. It is about getting help with emotional problems so that the two of you can build a more powerful marriage.

Don't make a bad situation worse by stopping something that she wants and you want. You are not a martyr. 

Good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with the above.

If you stop having sex with her, your marriage will fall apart. Look up sex and oxytocin. Sex causes oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and the other feel good hormones to be produced/up-taken. Without sex much less is produced and over time you will both most likely fall out of love and not even want the other to be around you.

There is a reason that sex is part of marriage.

Your wife needs to see a gyn first. She can have a talk with the gyn about this and be examined. If there is no nerve damage, then you two need to go to a sex therapist who can help you two get over this.

You say that you two tried everything except sex therapy. Since there is therapy that could solve this, why have you not already down this? Why would you want to give up on sex if you have not done everything possible. This makes me think that there is something else going on.

How long were you with your one partner that you were with prior to your relationship with your wife?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I have a friend who is a physical therapist who specializes in women's gynecological type issues. I wonder if something like that could help?


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Your job is to give your wife what she wants and needs and to strengthen the marriage. In this case all those align with sex.

You say it is frustrating for her, but I wonder is that your opinion or hers. Is it what she says or what you think? She says she feels not desired because of your lack of initiation. My guess is that lack of desire is more frustrating for her than the frustration you imagine. I guess she gets lots out of sex, even without a climax. It builds a bond between the two of you.

If she really has never had a climax then maybe she doesn't miss what she never knew. However she has had sex with you and wants it, she misses that.

You mention you think she has nerve damage. Get that checked a gyn. 
When you say you have tried everything there is short of therapy, that suggests what you should be trying next. Get to therapy.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

It sounds as if you do NOT want sex because the emotional pain and distress from her not enjoying it as well as not knowing when it will happen outweighs the pleasure you get from sex. I would suggest the following:

• Schedule sex, so there is no stress about when or why it will happen.
• Focus on her enjoyment of making you happy since she expressed that she DOES enjoy this.
• Instead of giving her physical pleasure, put more effort into giving her emotional pleasure by telling her how beautiful she is and how wonderful she makes you feel!
• Tell her that you still love her and accept her just as she is, and that it is OK for her not to feel anything in terms of sexual pleasure from her genitals. You may be VERY SURPRISED at what happens when you are sincere about doing this for her!!!!!!!!!!!

I would go as far as to start asking for things you have always wanted for your own pleasure (excluding forcing her to feel sexual pleasure), such as her trying novel idea with you such as using a whole jar of coconut oil while having sex. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## AussieRN (Mar 28, 2013)

As others have get her to see a Gyn specialist to rule out anything physical that may have been caused by her previous injury.

Have you/her tried any toys to help her O's along? Can she get there on her own? 

If youe tried garden variety toys and they were "meh" consider getting the trusty "Magic Wand". It won't replace you but it will for sure work magic on her (pretty damn good on you too  ) I know, I know I can hear you saying "Yeah yeah weve tried vibrators". An Hitachi Wand is on a whole different level.

Having a healthy, active, variable, interesting sex life is worth the effort.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

While there's not much to add to the replies above, I would suggest to you to NOT let her inability to orgasm be something that gets in your head. It's NOT your fault! She says she enjoys it and wants more of it, yet you complain that you are keeping yourself from wanting to? Give her as much pleasure as you can regardless of whether she gets her O or not.

I say continue to have sex as much as you desire without holding back, while in the meantime, try and seek help for her. Don't deprive her for your own selfish reasons. Her having an O is not the only reason to have sex. Yes, for her to have an O during sex would be ideal, but it's NOT the most important part of it to her. You two have to be able to communicate, and come to some resolution in order for your intimacy to improve. It's a never ending process in marriage to try and improve every area, including sex.

Has she ever tried masturbation? That is something that could most definitely help. She needs to get in touch with her own body to know what works for her and what doesn't. She can do this on her own, and she shouldn't feel guilt or shame about it. There's nothing "dirty" about it, and it's completely natural. I would ENCOURAGE her to go this route first, and if she still can't get there, I would most definitely have her talk it over with her gynecologist. He / she may be able to see if there is a physical problem, or at least refer her to somebody who specializes in this situation.

For the sake of your marriage, I certainly pray that you listen to HER, and do what she asks. I also pray that she is willing to do whatever it takes to see to it that her pleasure is increased. My thinking is that once she has that first O she will figure it out, and will continue to seek it by communicating with you what works.

Good luck!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You sir are a lucky man. You have an awesome wife who totally gets it. She wants to take care of her man. Treasure that and make sure she knows how much you love her. I wish you both the very best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AACoupledUp (Feb 3, 2016)

It took a loooong time for my husband to make me orgasm. I could easily do it for myself multiple times within minutes. What finally worked for us was similar to Tantric sex. We actually focused on each others energy and not sex. There was touching and kissing etc but no penetration. The first time he made me orgasm was the biggest one I ever had and it even made me cry uncontrollably. Like the strongest emotion I had ever felt. Try not to focus so much on her orgasming and focus more on the connection you two have. It really worked for us. 

Best of Luck


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

I would just like to drop in a few points. Sorry if it does not help but its just my life story.

My wife can easily Orgasm. Like 2 mins and she is done. Her second Orgasm is PIV and it takes less than 3 mins to come.
The she will lie down bored and wait for me to finish.

She needs sex only once a month. That would be a day or two before her period comes.

So I stopped having sex with her.

This not knowing when it will happen and when it does how much time I get to do it....it just killed off my desire.

Just want to tell you, a woman can have orgasms and still be like your wife.

It just is.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

JJC said:


> Sorry this is so long and kinda rambling!
> My wife it the best person I have ever met. My best friend whom I adore. So you would think great sex would follow, not so much.
> We have been married for 5 years. I am 36 she is 32. We didn't have sex until we were married, I had had one partner and she was a virgin and we both wanted to wait.
> Sex was never great for us, she has never had a orgasm that she knows of. This is not for a lack of trying, trust me I would do, and have done, just about anything to help her climax. We have tried everything there is short of therapy. If you can think of it we tried it. I think it might have to something to do with a accident when she was a teenager and fell and landed straddling a bar which she described as the worst pain she has ever experienced. I think it may have caused nerve damage.
> ...


i think you already have the answer. BIG mistake if you go sexless.
it will be the end of your marriage. listen to what bad santa says.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

She doesn't orgasm through oral? Don't stop having sex with her, she wants to have sex even if she doesn't have an orgasm. She wants you to be sexually fulfilled and enjoys the bonding that happened. Your wondering when it will happen again? Why are you waiting? Initiate when you want to have sex and do it on a consistent basis.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

im_tam said:


> I would just like to drop in a few points. Sorry if it does not help but its just my life story.
> 
> My wife can easily Orgasm. Like 2 mins and she is done. Her second Orgasm is PIV and it takes less than 3 mins to come.
> The she will lie down bored and wait for me to finish.
> ...


That's my wife in a nutshell, but we have sex once a week, more or less, and she also doesn't "need" it, as you say yours does.

Otherwise - same. Easy orgasms, and more than one. Back in the day, this made me feel good - hey, I can get her off quickly, I must be doing something right! Then it dawned on me that it likely has nothing to do with me. She's just easily orgasmic. When my wife is done, she doesn't just lay back and be bored, she still participates, but I KNOW she's done (and probably bored).

It's a real catch-22 sometimes.

To the OP - you're focusing far too much on your wife's inability to orgasm, EVEN THOUGH SHE STILL WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

We men are taught very early on, and over and over again, that if our partners don't O, we must suck in bed. Sometimes, this IS the case, but it's entirely dependent on whether we men are actually listening to our partners or not - not our actual skill. There's really no such thing as a skilled lover, believe it or not - it's all in one's ability to LISTEN to their partner. And - every woman is different.

When people talk about being a skilled lover, it's literally about whether they pay attention, listen, and learn - and nothing else.

I'll tell you, OP, my ex wife never had a clitoral or PIV orgasm from me, ever, over 14 years. She had a hyper-sensitive clit (sounds like the opposite problem your wife has?), so direct contact was painful for her. In terms of PIV, many women are not orgasmic from penetration - she was one.

Did that make me a bad lover? Those things were beyond my (and her) control - just as your wife's problem is beyond both of yours, as well.

My ex wife and I discovered her gspot, and that worked. I could get her off that way. It's not the same orgasm, as I understand it, but all the same.

And after sex, she would use her vibrator (around, not directly on) her clit and have an orgasm that way. This was only introduced some 6-7 years into our relationship.

Throughout all of this, I never once was made to feel like a bad lover (and I don't think your wife is doing that, either), nor did I make MYSELF feel like a bad lover. It was what it was - and that was beyond our control.

But you're inside your own head now. My ex wife still wanted sex (like yours does) and still wanted to please me (like yours does). So I was happy to oblige.

Get out of your own head and go with it! Your wife sounds pretty awesome.


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## Ladieserene (Feb 13, 2016)

This must be very daunting for you! I understand I too use to go through this with my ex-husband that I didn't want sex at all. The reason why is because for years, there were no emotional connection between him and I. Hence why we are divorced. I think your wife might have some psychological issue that should be addressed. It sounds like you are trying to give her love and attention. A sexless marriage can lead to loads of issues. I would try to talk to her and explain how you feel. Maybe this would help and seeing a sex therapist maybe too? 

Good Luck!


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

badsanta said:


> ...such as her trying novel idea with you such as using a whole jar of coconut oil while having sex.


I get my coconut oil from Costco... in a tub the size of my head. So I... Don't know how I feel about this suggestion. One thing that's for sure is there'd be a very big mess to clean up after...


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If you stop having sex with her, your marriage will fall apart. Look up sex and oxytocin. Sex causes oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and the other feel good hormones to be produced/up-taken. Without sex much less is produced and over time you will both most likely fall out of love and not even want the other to be around you.
> 
> There is a reason that sex is part of marriage.


I seem to remember agreeing with a lot of what you say on other subjects, Elegirl, if I'm not mistaken. But on this subject, not so much. 

In my marriage I have the higher sex drive _by far_, but we've gone long stretches (nearly a year once) without sex before and while it isn't ideal, it certainly isn't a deal-breaker. My husband and I are first and foremost best friends, and second a great project team. We enjoy building our life together and being on the same page about how to do everything from managing our finances to raising our kid(s). 

This whole idea that sex is at the heart of a healthy marriage seems like bunk to me. 

Mind you I'm not saying that it doesn't cause issues - it certainly does for a lot of people. I'm just saying, not everyone has to define their marriage that way and use sex as an indicator of relationship health.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

As someone much older and wiser has said, intimacy is said to mean "In to me see" How much are the two of you willing to see into each other?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You worrying about whether she orgasms is crazy if she's not worried about it. There are lots of women that can't. You need to focus on back rubs, touching her lightly all over, kissing her in all the places she likes you to, and just spending time making her feel good. Then you'll get your sex, and it will be great. 
The heat is off you--- just enjoy yourself. What woman wouldn't want a back rub and full body massage? Get your sex when you're willing to put the effort in on that stuff. 

You're making this into an issue--- not her. STOP!

What's the real problem? You say it doesn't happen? Why? Do you get rejected? If NOT, you're acting goofy. Just spend the effort getting her in the mood and have your fun. She obviously enjoys knowing she's taken care of you sexually. The touching, closeness, making her feel loved is taking care of her needs.

Everyone is happy.

So what's the deal? Rejection?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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