# Falling out of love?



## Ui_Cleirigh (Jan 15, 2011)

Background:
My wife and I will be married for two years in May. I am 27 and she 25. We have been together for a total of five years. We have no children though we have tossed the idea around before.

Situation:
I have found myself coming to the realization that perhaps this isn't really what I want. I don't want to cheapen this by saying I was never in love with her, because I feel like I was. Our personalities have changed over the course of our relationship. She still enjoys going to clubs and smokey bars. I quit smoking almost a year ago and dread those places. She claims I no longer have fun (I believe she means her type of fun). I will fully admit I am a bit of a homebody.

Recently, we took some time apart. I stayed with my parents for about two weeks. The day I moved back in I was excited and apprehensive. When she got home from work, the excitement was gone immediately and I was back in the same mood.

Question:
Has anyone experienced falling out of love? Is this normal not to have one solid reason why I feel this way? Is there something I'm missing?


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## coops (Jan 24, 2011)

Might be wise to actually say this to your wife. Tell her you're not happy, it wasn't what you thought it would be. How going out to the clubs and such makes you feel. Keep in mind, you changed too. So you're no longer acting as she expected you would be. Clearly you guys didn't talk this out before hand and you both had expectations that aren't being met. So talk it out. 

Worst case, you end things now, you're still young. Best case, you and her come to a new understanding. Just be very cautious the new understanding isn't her telling you how she wants things and you agreeing to it. That won't end well.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

Sometimes it's easy to mistake the natural flow of a maturing relationship as "falling out of love". As life together settles in to it's routine it can seem like the excitement is disappearing (or has disappeared). And well....truth is....it does - it has to. The initial glow that once was burns down and then you have to start creating new excitement with the embers that were left.

In terms of marriage (which is meant to be forever).....your partnership is still very, very young....embroic in fact. Part of the nurturing for the relationship at this point is both of you learning how to grow together.....this calls for change and compromise from both sides. 

Part of the compromise for both of you is sometimes having to do things you don't really feel like doing and making the most of it while you do it - for no other reason than it makes your honey happy. 

If you were still smoking would going to clubs and bars still be an issue for you? Perhaps you can find places where they don't allow smoking inside - that would remove that dreaded element from the equation. (where the heck do you live that smoking is allowed in bars and clubs? It's been banned here in Ausralia for ages)

Nothing wrong with being a homebody (I'm one myself)....so you need to create things to do around the home that you can both share.

You and your lady really, really (really!) need to talk this through....if ever there was a time to seek a little bit of guidance from an outside source, now is it - before it becomes 10 years of misunderstanding and resentment to try and work through.

It's not unusual for you to be feeling the way you are right now - in fact it can be a pretty normal reaction from either party early in marriage. Even though you may not feel it right now, remember that you did feel love for your wife once....not too long back.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Ui_Cleirigh said:


> Background:
> My wife and I will be married for two years in May. I am 27 and she 25. We have been together for a total of five years. We have no children though we have tossed the idea around before.
> 
> Situation:
> ...


Personally, I can't understand the "falling out of love thing," especially if one was in love to begin with; it seems to me that people would just grow closer with time instead of the opposite; however, my wife divorced me after 18 years because she supposedly fell out of love. My wife, too, claimed i no longer liked to have fun. I have no answers.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Number one. No kids untill you are off of this site. You have no idea how that changes (or should change) things. You think you do but you really don't.

Number 2. You are a homebody and she likes to go out and have fun. Sorry that you discovered this huge personality difference after you got married, but thank god before you had kids. (See number 1). 

You don't want to go out and have fun with her? I'll bet there are more than a few boys at these "clubs and smokey bars" that do. Even IF she's not currently going out to these meat markets to party with the boys, so to speak, it'll happen. Almost surely has. How often has she gone without you? Is it possible for a 25 year old girl to go to these places so much and NOT finally succumb to one of the hundreds of come-ons she's received?

I find it INCREDIBLE that the first few posters keyed in on the smoking aspect of your description of her playgrounds. This is NOT about smoking.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

MrK said:


> I find it INCREDIBLE that the first few posters keyed in on the smoking aspect of your description of her playgrounds. This is NOT about smoking.


Why would you find that so incredible (in capitals even)? 

Ui_Cleirigh himself clearly mentioned it as part of the situation - it obviously plays some part in everything. Perhaps not the smoking itself but the fact that it is a change he has made that now appears to have some affect on the social side of the relationship.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I stand corrected Surfer Girl. The OP's was one of the originals that mentioned smoking. But why do I still get the feeling that if he was dissapointed that she continues to smoke with the girls on their coffee breaks he wouldn't be on a relationship forum? 

He mentions only 2 major differenes in their personalities. Smoking and attracting strange men at bars. And the smoking was brought up only in that she seemingly uses it as a shield to keep him away. Kind of a party force field. "He quit smoking so I'll show my support by partying at a "smoky bar" where he can't come". 

"Recently, we took some time apart. I stayed with my parents for about two weeks. The day I moved back in I was excited and apprehensive. When she got home from work, the excitement was gone immediately and I was back in the same mood".

I'll bet she went out a few times while the cat was gone. Mousie has no fun after he gets back. Bad enough that he noticed it.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Ui_Cleirigh said:


> Background:
> My wife and I will be married for two years in May. I am 27 and she 25. We have been together for a total of five years. We have no children though we have tossed the idea around before.
> 
> Situation:
> ...


Ui, I don't think that you have actually fallen out of love but rather have fallen into a rut....a VERY common rut!!! You both are still young and are still growing! I must admit that I completely understand your wife...I used to LOVE clubbing and just hanging out...hubby just like you...homebody. Believe it or not after 16 years of marriage and 2 kids I'm the homebody and now HE wants the "excitement"?!?!? 

Why don't you compromise? Surprise her with a night out sometimes and, since you don't have kids yet, try a romantic homebound evening which is slightly "fun"...Make it so she will WANT to stay home!!! OMG ENJOY being childless while you can!! Believe me once they come YOU BOTH will be HOMEBODIES!!!


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

MrK said:


> I stand corrected Surfer Girl.


Thank you


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I just want to throw out one side discussion (but relevant) to this topic - alcohol.

You say your wife likes to go to clubs and smokey places and you don't.

I don't know her drinking habits but here's the thing I see from what little you describe:

You are growing up. She isn't.

If she is an alcoholic or leans that way, studies have shown that alcoholics stay emotionally developed at the age they developed alcoholism. So as you grow up and age and move through stages of life, she can stay stuck at 25 years old.

What she turns into is an old divorced woman who thinks she 25 years old at a bar.

I don't think you are a homebody; I just think you'd rather spend money and time on different things than clubs.

Unless she's Irish. . .then you have to go to the pub every night. Scratch the above.


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