# My husband is obsessed with money



## TDM1989 (Jun 11, 2017)

My husband and I have been married for 10 years, together for 14. We have 3 kids, and have owned our own business for the past 9 years. I grew up in a normal family although my dad worked out of town. But my husband had a harder life, was told he would never amount to nothing, when he quit high school his teachers told him he would never make it in life, his step dad was really hard on him. But he always provides for us although we've had tough times. But 2 years ago another opportunity arose and we took it since the current wasn't going so well due to the oilfield. Since then he is obsessed with making more money while tearing his family and friends down because his priority is proving people wrong. He has started staying on me saying I'm not doing enough but I take care of family, house, bills, payroll, dispatching our trucks, billing, literally everything but we aren't at the point of needing more office help. So we are fighting constantly because I feel unappreciated. But recently he has been telling me and others that nothing matters more than him than money including me, our 3 kids, his family as well as friends. That if I left so be it, he was going to do what he had to do to make it to the top. I'm fed up, I feel like I'm not wanted except to take care of him and the paperwork. My kids are suffereing because here lately during arguements behind doors he is leaving waking the kids up telling them bye. He is refusing counseling because real men don't go do that according to him. Please help me, I love him dearly but can't handle it anymore. How do I get him back to reality level of as long as we can pay our bills and live a happy life then that's all that matters?? He doesn't need to prove anything to anyone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since he will not go to counseling, you might benefit from going to individual counseling for yourself. Focusing on yourself and taking care of yourself will help you a lot.

It sounds like your husband has very low self esteem. Is he now making more money than he ever has? Either his success is going to his head, or something has happened to hurt his self esteem ever more, and money is his way of proving that he's a worth while human.

What does he do beside work to make money? Does he have any hobbies? What's his social life like?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

TDM1989 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 10 years, together for 14. We have 3 kids, and have owned our own business for the past 9 years. I grew up in a normal family although my dad worked out of town. But my husband had a harder life, was told he would never amount to nothing, when he quit high school his teachers told him he would never make it in life, his step dad was really hard on him. But he always provides for us although we've had tough times. But 2 years ago another opportunity arose and we took it since the current wasn't going so well due to the oilfield. Since then he is obsessed with making more money while tearing his family and friends down because his priority is proving people wrong. He has started staying on me saying I'm not doing enough but I take care of family, house, bills, payroll, dispatching our trucks, billing, literally everything but we aren't at the point of needing more office help. So we are fighting constantly because I feel unappreciated. But recently he has been telling me and others that nothing matters more than him than money including me, our 3 kids, his family as well as friends. That if I left so be it, he was going to do what he had to do to make it to the top. I'm fed up, I feel like I'm not wanted except to take care of him and the paperwork. My kids are suffereing because here lately during arguements behind doors he is leaving waking the kids up telling them bye. He is refusing counseling because real men don't go do that according to him. Please help me, I love him dearly but can't handle it anymore. How do I get him back to reality level of as long as we can pay our bills and live a happy life then that's all that matters?? He doesn't need to prove anything to anyone.


Is he still willing to spend money on the family and himself or is he trying to save every penny he can.I have seen this behaviour before,guys who were paid badly suddenly getting a high paying job but trying not to spend much of their wages.One typical example was a guy who wouldn't eat dinner with us at a restaurant,instead he would eat takeout on the street to save a few bucks.This man was earning over six figures but you would think he was on minimum wage.He would also question every cent his wife spent and eventually she threw him out.He was under the illusion that because his wife worked he wouldn't have to pay child support but he got a rude awakening.
There is no easy answer to your problem if your husband won't go to counselling.Individual counselling is all very well but I don't think this will have any effect on him.I think you should go and talk to a lawyer,find out what your entitled to and then spell it out to your husband.counselling or divorce.When he sees what it will cost him he may wise up.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> Is he still willing to spend money on the family and himself or is he trying to save every penny he can.I have seen this behaviour before,guys who were paid badly suddenly getting a high paying job but trying not to spend much of their wages.One typical example was a guy who wouldn't eat dinner with us at a restaurant,instead he would eat takeout on the street to save a few bucks.This man was earning over six figures but you would think he was on minimum wage.He would also question every cent his wife spent and eventually she threw him out.He was under the illusion that because his wife worked he wouldn't have to pay child support but he got a rude awakening.
> There is no easy answer to your problem if your husband won't go to counselling.Individual counselling is all very well but I don't think this will have any effect on him.I think you should go and talk to a lawyer,find out what your entitled to and then spell it out to your husband.counselling or divorce.When he sees what it will cost him he may wise up.


*Let's just say that a "suggestion" to him of this magnitude is highly advisable!

It will have him suddenly waking up and "smelling the coffee!"*


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think IC is worth a try.

sometimes when you change yourself, your environment changes accordingly...... sometimes...

After that, you may have to lawyer up.

My father was a workaholic as well. Coming home around 10pm at night. Working all day Saturdays and responding to calls from patients even on a Sunday.

He was beholden to his father. So that's a lot of hours spent away from the family to make more money. Somehow it's ok because that extra money was handed over to our cousins. Well, I guess that's more okay than if that money was used to support a mistress.

But that still time away from the family.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Maybe you should show him this post or ask him to post here. 

He is on a one way track to living and becoming like Scrooge McDuck. He is willing to lose family and friends... The only person he has ever had to prove himself to is himself.

I'd consider getting a lawyer and leaving him to his real love.


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## TDM1989 (Jun 11, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Is he still willing to spend money on the family and himself or is he trying to save every penny he can.I have seen this behaviour before,guys who were paid badly suddenly getting a high paying job but trying not to spend much of their wages.One typical example was a guy who wouldn't eat dinner with us at a restaurant,instead he would eat takeout on the street to save a few bucks.This man was earning over six figures but you would think he was on minimum wage.He would also question every cent his wife spent and eventually she threw him out.He was under the illusion that because his wife worked he wouldn't have to pay child support but he got a rude awakening.
> 
> There is no easy answer to your problem if your husband won't go to counselling.Individual counselling is all very well but I don't think this will have any effect on him.I think you should go and talk to a lawyer,find out what your entitled to and then spell it out to your husband.counselling or divorce.When he sees what it will cost him he may wise up.




It isn't spending money or saving money it's always about making more money. Like he is proving those that say he would never amount to anything wrong. Ultimately no on will ever know how much money we have, but only see the what we have, how big our business is, etc. 


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## TDM1989 (Jun 11, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Since he will not go to counseling, you might benefit from going to individual counseling for yourself. Focusing on yourself and taking care of yourself will help you a lot.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




We don't necessarily have time for hobbies anymore, he tries to have them but doesn't want to come to reality level if he doesn't need a 60k bass boat to go fishing. I'm not a very materialistic person and he tried to be. In my opinion to show some people he is successful. These things always come up, he tried buying a 20 year old truck custom truck just to be able to say he owns that, so the people in our town thinks he is high rolling. 




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## TDM1989 (Jun 11, 2017)

Satya said:


> Maybe you should show him this post or ask him to post here.
> 
> He is on a one way track to living and becoming like Scrooge McDuck. He is willing to lose family and friends... The only person he has ever had to prove himself to is himself.
> 
> I'd consider getting a lawyer and leaving him to his real love.




Very much so, he has turned his life into proving people wrong and don't seem as if anything else matters at this point. I've tried talking to him, he tried for a bit and then falls back off track. It's like I'm riding a roller coaster. Which has me not knowing which way to go, I love him dearly which is obviously why I am still here. 


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## TDM1989 (Jun 11, 2017)

NextTimeAround said:


> I think IC is worth a try.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




He doesn't work that hard, he isn't a way from the family often. When he is he is actually working, since we own our own business I know more than most. He just makes comments all the time about money, how can he get more. He will tell everyone that money makes the world go around when it does because without it you couldn't live but in the same sense it doesn't. I don't care about money, yes it makes life easier but I would much rather have the man I married 10 years ago back than the money hungry person he has turned into. 


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

For whatever developmental reasons, he has grown into a man who derives his validation and self-esteem from the opinions of others. He cares what other people think very very much. He wants to be wealthy because that's how strangers will perceive his success. He wants the status he believes will come from owning a custom truck that others will admire. He can't go to counselling because then people will believe he's weak when they find out.

Armed with that knowledge, was he always unhealthily focused on what other people think of him? Is he proud of your achievements, or those of your children, or is he just pleased with how they reflect on him?


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## youngnmarried16 (Jun 9, 2017)

Your husband sound quite like my husband and we are in our early 20s...I'm the one who has had it hard in life though my husband has taken advantage of his family because they are definitely well off and he has screwed his life up! Now he is in the real world and all he cares about is making money. He will go to illegal strength if he could to make but either way you have to spend money to make it. He has had a hard time with finding jobs and is too lazy to seek them on his own. These men are starting to become really lazy and untrustworthy. Makes me want to become a nun. I sure hope you get your blessing and your bone head of a husband will come to realize he is an a hole.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

My husband is obsessed too. He does well at work and is a saver. Looks at his checkbook and accounts like every night. He rarely spends any money on himself which is sad. I don't think I'm a big spender but get the third degree every month when the statement comes in. He has trouble going out to dinner without a coupon. I'm sure that's why he doesn't go out to lunch with his co-workers-- no coupon.


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