# Devastated by his addiction



## jalynn07 (Sep 11, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for 2 years and together for 7 years. I have always suspected that he had a porn addiction but I just recently found out how bad it was. He works overnight and he sleeps during the day but he will sometimes stay up for 48 hours straight and just look at it. I found out because I had to use his laptop and I was appalled at how much he is looking at this. He is lying to me about it, over and over. Now he is starting to hide his computer from me. We don't sleep in the same bed, he stays up and looks at porn. Sometimes we can over a month without having sex. He did nothing special for our anniversary or my birthday. When I mention going away for a mini weekend vacation trip he just shrugs. He never wants to do anything with me. His play video games the rest of the hours he isn't looking at porn. I love him. When we met he was sweet and thoughtful and I think he still cares about me sometimes, but the lies and mistrust and his ignoring me, I can't take this anymore. I don't want a divorce but I don't know what else to do. I don't think he is willing to go to therapy but he apologizes and I feel like he is sorry but if he won't get help, I don't see how our marriage will work. What do I do? What is my role in this? Should I talk to him about it? I don't know what to do.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Well, if you don't think your marriage will work if he doesn't get help, then you need to tell him that. You need to set some ground rules, such as he gets counseling for his addiction, probably some marriage counseling, figuring out some ways to rebuild the trust that's been lost. 

If he's not willing or able to do the things that need to be done to save your marriage, then I guess the next thing you should do is figure out what you're trying to save. It doesn't really sound like you're getting much of anything out of it.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

His addiction is not an addiction because he wants it, it is because of his unfulfilled desires and fantasies. Take it from me, my wife and I love each other very much but straggle for years because of her lack of sexual drive. It was not that we did not do it, it was boring!!....then I found this article that changed our life for the best.....

- Focus on the Family 


Read it and try to understand your man sexuality....if you give them everything he wants, you'll have a very loving husband...you ladies don't understand that we can't help it to feel this way, it is primal....it has been like this for thousands of years....we need to feel wanted to feel loved....if not, we are prisoners of our sexual desires....if you change, and give you husband things he'll see in those porns videos, you'll see that his obsession would not longer be one.... it is biological....once my wife gave a few of my fantacies, I just couldn't stop smiling and treating her like a queen....trust me it will save your marriage....the important thing, however, is to make him feel so wanted......

good luck!


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Firstly, watching porn is more interesting than watching you.
Secondly, playing with the game is more interesting than playing with you.

To solve the root problem is to find out what made him feel you're boring.

Are you always negative to him?
Did you hurt his manhood ego?
Did you always make him feel rejected?

If you go on complaining and controlling him with more rules without looking into the real problems in the marriage, things only get worst.

I support you to search the root problems in your marriages.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

friendly said:


> Firstly, watching porn is more interesting than watching you.
> Secondly, playing with the game is more interesting than playing with you.
> 
> To solve the root problem is to find out what made him feel you're boring.
> ...


Chicken said what? Those are some serious words. Perhaps her partner is a butt who needs a good wiping and the problem is not her at all.


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

I was providing some "facts" of her husband behaviors.

There's must be a reason why he became like this. He was not like this before, as she said.

So she wants to look into the root problems.

Maybe her husband has an affair or maybe she's been negative?

In hopes, she will sort things out.


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## workin' (Jun 3, 2010)

jalynn07 said:


> I have always suspected that he had a porn addiction but I just recently found out how bad it was.


This is not new behavior, but way beyond what she thought it was. What is more recent, is his lack of affection towards her. He seems to have found a substitute. Being married, only makes the secrecy of his "drug" more enticing. 

From what I read, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. This goes way beyond a horny husband.

An addiction is an addiction, is an addiction...whether it is drugs, booze, sex, or porn. Bottom line....if it is affecting his ability to function day to day, especially his relationships with others, he need professional help. BUT, it will only work, if he admits to his addiction. Try talking to him, when there is absolutely no immediate conflict regarding his porn-watching. Let him know exactly how you feel. If he refuses to get counseling, go yourself, so you can either learn how to live with it, or without him.


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## TTC (Sep 25, 2010)

Yes its an addiction and a site that helped me is 
Contact Support its for porn addicts and there spouses it has great instie and lets you talk with others about it. I would look at it and see if you can get him to look at it


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

For you, since I find it hard to control him in any way, I suggest an Alanon meeting. If you are in a US City, they abound. These meetings are intended for those that love someone addicted. Addictions range all over the place, but somehow the loved one behavior is not unique. I have started going and found an amazingly caring and understanding place. It won't fix your H at all, but it will help you gain an understanding about the expectations you should have on yourself, as that whole group is struggling in some way with these issues. Best of luck to you!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I, too, have something of a problem with porn, and things were not so affectionate betwixt the W and me, and we have been working on it, and things are getting better. But I never thought that my fascination with certain web sites may be a big part of the problem.
I read this book, The Porn Trap by Wendy & Larry Maltz, and it opened my eyes to why I was substituting fantasy for reality. Incidentally, my wife is a bit older and simply does not have the drive she used to, and says that she has no problem with me looking at porn, but somehow, I still felt "dirty".
After reading this book, I realized that my feelings of guilt were from the fact that I wasn't being there 100% for my W, and that even though she really had no problem with it, I wasn't being fair to her. I wanted things to change for us, for her to be more affectionate and initiate sex, but after seeing that my "fascination" was doing harm, too, I'm like that Michael Jackson song;

"I'm starting with the man in the mirror,
I'm asking him to change his ways."

Read that book, it may help in ways you never imagined.
Best of luck to the both of you!


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

jalynn, you said you don't think he is willing to go to counseling. Did he say that?

Counseling has saved many marriages. A good counselor will point out things to you that you don't want to hear, and to him that he does not want to hear, and give you ideas on what to do to bring back that communication and love.

Let us know how it goes!


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