# Wife moved out, had affair with my friend, I want to reconcile



## Lost_our_way (Mar 1, 2012)

Dated 13 years, married for 7. I was working way to much owning 2 businesses. Closed one, we talked about having more time together to strengthen relationship. 2 weeks later she insists she needs her own space to "sort things out". Takes her 4 weeks to find an apartment. We have good meaningful conversations and strong sex life all the way through the morning of the day she moved out. She moved out on a Wednesday, I later find out she had sex with one of my friends the following weekend. She has an affair full of sex and 500-600 texts per day for 2-3 weeks. I think he is done with her. She texts him but he is now slow to reply back. What do I do to bring herback to me? I'm completely willing to accept the work to reconcile the marriage.


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## Lost_our_way (Mar 1, 2012)

I've been reading John Gottman book(s). She is def in the "isolation" phase of relationship. Our conflict resolution style is avoidance.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

first off, don't be a doormat. there are consequences to bear. 

i seriously don't think she just went off and had sex with your "friend" out of the blue. they were probably carrying on an affair right under your nose this whole time.

do some investigation and get all the facts before even considering hearing her out.


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## Lost_our_way (Mar 1, 2012)

i did investigate .. she was texting him 2 months preceding the moving out - started an EA. I suspected him, had beers with him the day after she moved out. and asked him. He said she was texting him and it made him uncomfortable. But he had no interest in any sexual contact. I saw the texts between them on her phone after they had sex. The content left no doubt. Her GPS also has his address. She's been out 2 months. When she moved out she was certain I needed counseling andshe didn't. I'm afraid I've been a doormat for two months. We just started couples counseling at my insistance. She is half heartedly participating.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

half-heartedly? you need to go nc with her for a while in order to get your own sh1t together. it sounds like you're settling for the sake of not being without her. not good.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Couples counseling while she's still involved in the affair? An exercise in futility.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I get that you are hurting and want to hold on to what you HAD, but don't be too quick to throw your hat in the ring of reconciliation. I do think you are still in a bit of shock.

You will get angry about this. And you will question your love and if you still want her. That is natural and you need to let those stages come and acknowledge them. Its okay to say you want to reconcile, but not without a whole new set of boundaries.


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## Lost_our_way (Mar 1, 2012)

I think the affair is over. texting has died off to 5-10 a week. In our second sessionI told her /i knew about her affair


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## Lost_our_way (Mar 1, 2012)

I've also contacted her brother (who went through this 5 yrs ago) and let him know there was more to the situation than just "we're not getting along" She has suggested we take further steps in our seperation. She thinks the quicker we get through our seperation / divorce the sooner she canheal from everything. I've resisted any movement towards divorce


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## Lost_our_way (Mar 1, 2012)

I've been reading other threads here. I've sort of jumped inmid stream but have begun to adopt the Plan A Carrot and Stick approach. Initially I was a doormat - actually took off work to help her move into apartment. I did make it clear that byno means did my actions indicate I supported her choice, but my love for her enabled me to help. I understnad now that I may have been suffering from fog then


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Dude, I hate to say this but you are pathetic. Where is your self respect? She dumped you and pursued the other guy. This "friend" used her and threw her away and you now want to pick up the left over sloppy seconds and put them on your head? She is only back because she was dumped. Imagine her finding a guy that is interested in her too.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i hope you X-ed out this "friend," or you're one dumb....


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## Lost_our_way (Mar 1, 2012)

I hear your words warlock. I'll admit I have my faults. It's taken me longer than it should to pick myself up and be a man. and your right he is not worthy of "friend". I had my midlife crisis 3 yrs ago. Had thoughts of EA, i worked through my issues. She's 40 this year... right on schedule for a midlife crisis of her own. I've taken the time to get fit, Interviewed and landed a better job. I used to depend on her job for benifits, now my job has benifits.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:

Why would you want to be with someone that does not want to be with you.

Try the litmus test. Agree to the Divorce. If she is really done with you she will slow down the process.

You have given her everything she asked for including your friend.

Why stop now!

Get a clue. Find a good woman.


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## Lost_our_way (Mar 1, 2012)

oh yeah - he was on thin ice when we had beers - I maintained the friend status long enough to get the info I needed. I've since gathered the address of his parents and a few other people around him and next week will be exposing him. He's on a list i keep of people that no matter what peril they are in... I will only watch them suffer.


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## Lost_our_way (Mar 1, 2012)

Happyman64... she has brought up the divorce word, but has clearly shown me she hasn't thought it through. Actually has acted very bi-polor on lots of issues. Before she moved out she threw a fit that she never gets to pick the vehicles we buy... So I told her I'd sell my truck had and buy what she wanted. She insisted a black Jeep was the only thing she wanted. So we shopped Craigslist and found a Jeep for $7500. She had complete autonomy to pick what she wanted... and picked out a _white_ Jeep. We've had it for almost 3 months... she has never driven it once. I don't mind it actually, taken it four wheeling a couple times. I can live with Jeep - with or without her. 

When she moved out she swore she hated our Miata and wanted it to go next. Now she swears its her fav car. I sorted that out when she told me it had a blown speaker. I told her if she wanted to swap cars I'd get the speaker taken care of - that is when she said she loved the Miata and didn't want to trade and drive the Jeep for a couple weeks.- So I told her she would have to listen to the blown speaker or figure out how to get it fixed herself.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I suggest that you get some sound support structure. Talk to one of your most trusted friends or brother or parent.If you don't have any get a good counselor/pastor where you can get some good counsel.You need lots of good advice. Tell them everything. You need way more help than you can get in a forum.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Lost,

I do not think your wifes affair or affairs are over.

She is definitely mental right now.

You really need to man up and do the 180 on her.

You really need to work on you now. Get yourself to a point that no matter if you R or D you will be ok no matter what.

Sometimes the WS finds that attractive and gets drawn back to you. Sometimes not. 

She just might be done with the marriage and this was her exit affair.

Either way she is selfish, a liar and a cheater. You really have to do the 180 for you. You need to take the time to see if you feel the same way about her after the way she has treated you and the marriage.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i know being bipolar is a reality, but i detest those who blame all their problems on this condition.

how about taking some personal accountability.


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## Lost_our_way (Mar 1, 2012)

I believe she is accountable for her actions regardless of mental conditions. I am hoping counselling will bring her to some resolution on th emental state. Yesterday she told me about the homeopathic remidies sheis taking for anxiety and mood swings. So I think she is noticing that about herself. I'd prefer she eventually seek professonal help. Only time will tell. I know she will not take my suggestion. She has to decide on her own.


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## Lost_our_way (Mar 1, 2012)

I found this site 3 days ago, Trying to digest as much as I can as quick as I can. I see the 180 is near in my future. Is the 180 something that is appropriate to deliver as part of a couples counseling session? I made her aware that I know about her affair at the last session. 

I'll admit, I've thought about the posibility the affair was the exit plan for the marriage... and I don't like the thought and may be in denial over it. 

I am trying my best to get to a point that R or D I will be ok. I am considering anti depressents for myself. I do and my family has a history of depression. 

Our families live quite a distance away from us. I am planning to visit in 3-4 weeks. When I discussed the situation with my brother in law, he said my mother inlaw hoped we did not D because she really liked me. So I feel there is family support in W's family to work things out.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

So far all you have done is throw out excuse after excuse, for your wife, and yourself, as to her treating you like a POS, and with no dignity at all----You also have no dignity for yourself

Who gives a crap about cars, and what she wants or buys

Do you not realize, your wife allowed another man to take her----does that mean nothing to you---blame whoever you want about whatever you want---bottom line---YOUR WIFE CHOSE ANOTHER MAN OVER YOU

She lied, decieved, cajoled, manipulated, and planned her tryst, and you are just sweeping it right under the rug, and rushing in with open arms to take her back

If you wanna R., and I have no idea why you would, cuz your wife seems bent on D., and not wanting you as a H., anymore---but if you do decide to try and R., and try to get her to go along----there MUST be stiff accountability, and consequences

If she were to come back to you the way you are now---SHE WILL BE CHEATING ON YOU AGAIN WITHIN A MONTH

She will cheat cuz she knows you will do nothing but blame her lover, excuse her, and sweep the whole thing under the rug

There have to be harsh, boundaries, with swift, actionable consequences----NO WHERE IN ANY POST YOU HAVE WRITTEN, DO I SEE ANY MENTION OF BOUNDARIES, AND CONSEQUENCES---instead I read, cars, BP, mid-life crisis---all possible reasons for cheating, but in and of themselves---many millions go thru the same problems, AND DO NOT CHEAT

You better wake up, to reality, at this point your wife is looking elsewhere, and you cannot control, nor force her to come back to you----and let's say she does, on what terms, and upon what actions by her

You need to stop rushing around, slow yourself down, and start thinking about the future, and how it will play out.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Lost is using the carrot and the stick? Maybe a stick of some real soft cheese. Possibly a gruerer or camanbear


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i'm thinking string cheese.


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## UCanTalk (Mar 17, 2009)

jnj express said:


> So far all you have done is throw out excuse after excuse, for your wife, and yourself, as to her treating you like a POS, and with no dignity at all----You also have no dignity for yourself
> 
> Who gives a crap about cars, and what she wants or buys
> 
> ...


He is doing this because he is co-dependent. Its not a quick fix.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

cledus_snow said:


> i'm thinking string cheese.


Geez, ya think? That could leave a rash. I hope he's careful.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The 180 is to rebuild your confidence and make you the man you should be. It is a way of living. You don't discuss this with your wife at all. she will see it as a way to manipulate her and it is not. It is to make you strong and able to move on with or with out her.

The 180
April 15 2011 at 8:48 AM Ami (Login Amistandingstill)
Healing Moderator 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Go here

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

and here:

Married Man Sex Life

Start working out as this will help you mentally as wellas physically, see your MD for somehelp also, they see this a lot.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Lost - let her go.

She has dumped you, without any waffling.

She dumped you, and already had another guy lined up. She quickly jumped into a sex relationship with him, and he got tired of her and dumped her.

She will most likely quickly jump into some other guys bed, if she hasn't already.

This isn't a mid life crisis - this is a woman who has decided to ditch you and sleep around.

She also has 0 remorse or guilt.

Stop wasting time chasing her because even if you get her back home you will never be able to trust her again.

You seem to be looking at this like it's a cold that she's caught and that she will get over and fell better again. It's not.

MC doesn't cure her of her cheating - it's helps couples who want to build a better marriage , learn how to communicate and listen.

she doesn't want you. She doesn't want the marriage. So putting money and time into MC is a waste of time, since she isn't seeking to build the marriage.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. Get tested for STD's.
2. Contact a lawyer
3. If you don't respect yourself then who will?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why do you want her back? Aside from love, why do you want her back?

She left and abandoned you, cheated on you with your friend, threw a fit when you didn't buy cars she wanted and then after you bought said car, she didn't even drive it.

She is prob still in an affair, has already mentioned divorce to you. She has done nothing to show she wants to be married to you. Nothing at all. 

Why are you clinging? There is nothing there.

Let her go. File for divorce. It may be the push she needs to realize how fcked up she's been. Or not. And if it's the latter, she didn't care enough in the first place.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Since you do not have any self respect, why don't you just offer your cheating wife the opportunity to date and have sex with other men and that you will be her loving, dutiful, cuckold husband waiting for her at home and hoping to be worthy of having sloppy seconds?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

:iagree:


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

morituri said:


> Since you do not have any self respect, why don't you just offer your cheating wife the opportunity to date and have sex with other men and that you will be her loving, dutiful, cuckold husband waiting for her at home and hoping to be worthy of having sloppy seconds?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

How can a women remain faithful to these kind of men who dont have a trace of self respect. In her eyes he is only a crap. How can she respect a man without some self respect.

Man up man, your loving wife dont need you, she already found what she needed. Let her go and have it,


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

morituri said:


> Since you do not have any self respect, why don't you just offer your cheating wife the opportunity to date and have sex with other men and that you will be her loving, dutiful, cuckold husband waiting for her at home and hoping to be worthy of having sloppy seconds?


thats a great idea !


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

We are raising a generation of men sporting manginas.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> We are raising a generation of men sporting manginas.


And then they wonder why women are not attracted to them.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

morituri said:


> And then they wonder why women are not attracted to them.


If I were 20 years younger and know what I know now I could rule the world. :rofl:


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> If I were 20 years younger and know what I know now I could rule the world. :rofl:


:iagree:

Ahh wouldnt that be grand?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Why any man wuld want to stay married to an abusive adulteress barfly is just beyond me. 

The OP has serious momma issues.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Lost_our_way said:


> . Before she moved out she threw a fit that she never gets to pick the vehicles we buy....


 This isn't bi-polar behavior. She knew she was leaving to go have an affair. Therefore, she was probably picking fights with you to ease (i.e. something as trivial as picking out cars) her guilt about what she was planning to do. Justifing her affair because you're such a jerk and she was right to leave and have an affair. It would be hard to do and justify if you two were getting along.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

crossbar said:


> This isn't bi-polar behavior. She knew she was leaving to go have an affair. Therefore, she was probably picking fights with you to ease (i.e. something as trivial as picking out cars) her guilt about what she was planning to do. Justifing her affair because you're such a jerk and she was right to leave and have an affair. It would be hard to do and justify if you two were getting along.


I think we do this in most of our relationships. You see it when people change jobs. A rewriting of history to some extent. Plus, it is all about justifying things.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

You need to man-up, become a respectful Alpha make instead of a snot nosed Beta. Look you need to start moving on with your life, start the divorce process, hit the gym, get new clothes, go out, don't immediately respond to her calls/texts..........do this and if your wife has anything left for you she will pursue you....if you continue being the annoying, disappointing, less than a man doormat - you will push her away and kill anything that may be left for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Is it that you are not able to emotionally detach from her? She has already done that.


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## Lost_our_way (Mar 1, 2012)

I've hit the gym, down to my best weight of 180, totally cleaned up and redirecorated / rearranged furniture in the apartment, taken down all our old pictures and replaced them with new pictures taken since she has moved out. I'll admit, I've been a doormat. I've been justifying my doormatness by telling myself Im taking the high road. After finding this site I'm begining to see my own dilusions. we have 2 couples counseling sessions scheduled. Im working on the 180 letter. thank you everyone for shining some light into my foggy world


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## Lost_our_way (Mar 1, 2012)

yes, emotional detachment from her is difficult for me. If anything it is the most difficult thing for me to do.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Good to hear that Lost our way. You are on your way now.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Lost_our_way said:


> yes, emotional detachment from her is difficult for me. If anything it is the most difficult thing for me to do.


We all know it is very difficult to emotionally detach from your WS. Do 180. Focus on yourself. Woman will respect those men who respect themselves and stay strong. 180 will enable you to do that.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> yes, emotional detachment from her is difficult for me. If anything it is the most difficult thing for me to do.


That's why its called divorce. It's supposed to be hard. You feel bad because you have a heart. Your wino wife does not.

Cut off everything from her, don't give her another dime or another minute of your time. File for divorce and file an order of protection while your at it to keep her away from you and your son. 

If you can't do this for yourself do it for your child. 

God, I feel like I'm talking to a woman.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Lost_our_way said:


> yes, emotional detachment from her is difficult for me. If anything it is the most difficult thing for me to do.


Yes it is, but it is needed to save yourself, you can not control her...once you get there you there you will say "What the hell was I thinking, I dont need her" ...and YOU DONT.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Dont allow her to manipulate you. Nuke her withD papers. Be a man an alpha man. Take care of yourself. show her you are better without her. 

Expose the affair to OMW


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## Lost_our_way (Mar 1, 2012)

We don't have any kids. A cat and a dog. She decided to take the dog and leave me the cat. I'd rather have it that way. Cats are far easier to deal with in apartments. Ive begun the expose the affair part. I've spoken to her brother and sister. They were suprised and the brother in particular said he wants me to visit him in person. I plan to visit in 2-3 weeks. My family lives in the same area. I will be contacting OP room mate / landlord. His landloard wife left 6 mos ago to facilitate an affair.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Then if you have no kids you're on easy street. Dude what are you waiting for? Drop the bomb!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Oh, and go get yourself some therapy. You are a classic co-dependent and you need to nip that in the bud now or you will be one for the rest of your life.


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## Lost_our_way (Mar 1, 2012)

will be easy to do NC as I a will be out of town until Sunday. I will be working on the 180. And monitoring and checking in here for suggestions. Thank you everyone for calling it like you see it.


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## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

Greetings Lost, 

Sorry you're going through this my man
Try not to take most of these posts to heart, everyone on here has dealt with betrayal on some level...and it can leave a bitter taste in ones mouth. 

It's easy for everyone to judge and say that you're "pathetic" for wanting to be with your wife when they have no stake in the game. The fact is... this is your life, you have a lot invested in this person, you love her. The choice is yours. But you should make that choice logically, not out of fear of being alone.

Doing the 180 and manning up will give you the time you need to let your own fog clear and make a more logically decision. Right now your clouded by emotions and your panicking, desperately trying to hold onto your previous life (which is pushing your wife further away). The life you knew is over, your marriage is over...you need to come to terms with that. It's time to start over, either with your wife or without.

After your fog has cleared and you have "manned up", than you can make that decision to R and attempt to give your wife a chance at showing you SHE'S worthy of being your wife and start this new relationship together. No more chasing her, no more calling/txting her, let her come to you. Let her wonder about where you're at, what you're doing. Once she's see's your willing to let go of her, trust me she'll begin to see what she's lost and start to appreciate you. This sort of approach is the only thing that will snap your wife out of this powerful fantasy land she's lost in. What you're doing right now (being a doormat), is counter productive and only making things worse. So if you really want her back, show her the alpha male you can be. 

If she comes back to you, lay out your terms for reconciliation. Set firm boundaries, she must be remorseful, transparent, and willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage. Be warned though, even after she comes back...you're fears of losing her will be replaced by intense anger over what she's done to you (are you prepared for this rollercoaster of emotions). Also, you'll feel like her second choice, seeing that she only came back to you after the OM dumped her... is that something you could live with and get over?

If she doesn't, take this as your cue to start moving on and say good riddance. There's nothing more you can do. As hard as this will be, you will be better off and happier in the long run...lifes to short brotha

Good Luck :smthumbup:


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Lost_our_way said:


> I'm completely willing to accept the work to reconcile the marriage.


But is she? So far it doesn't sound like it.

It takes two to tango, and she is the one who needs to do the heavy lifting if there is going to be any attempt to salvage what has become a train wreck of a marriage. After all, she is the one who stepped out on you.

Have you ever read No More Mr. Nice Guy?

Go read the Married Man Sex life book and check out the blog posts on Oneitis, and The Fungible Wife.

I'd also check out shrink4men.com. The site is good, and the author does telephone consultations. I did a consultation with her once, and it was the best money and hour of my life I have ever spent. If you do it, prepare to have your eyes opened. That lady calls it like she sees it, and it really sounds like you could benefit from that right now.

I second the suggestion that you would benefit from IC to figure out why you are willing to let her walk all over you without standing up for yourself.

Before you can possibly expect her or any other woman to respect you, you have to respect yourself and be able to set firm boundaries as to what you will and won't accept, and be willing to stick with them. If it really needs to be said, not being willing to let your wife trash your marriage by sleeping with one of your friends should be a serious dealbreaker for you.

Being cuckolded by your wife with one of your best friends is about as disrespectful of an act that anyone could possibly do to you. Why would you be willing to just accept her back, especially without expecting her to show serious remorse, a dramatic change in behavior, and do all the major work?

There are a lot of women out there who are looking for a man who they can trust and treat right. They will treat you a whole lot better than the one you currently are married to. You might think so right now, but your wife does not actually have a magical golden vajayjay.

Oh, and do go see your doctor. Right now, you could probably really benefit from some medication, and STD testing.


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## UCanTalk (Mar 17, 2009)

bandit.45 said:


> God, I feel like I'm talking to a woman.


Too many men have been emasculated my domineering mothers. I know because I had one.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Lost_our_way said:


> She decided to take the dog and leave me the cat.


Geez, I just read this. She trashed your marriage, and you are letting her decide what animal she is going to take? What decisions are YOU making?

You need to Cowboy up yesterday and start making YOUR OWN decisions for YOU. 

No decision your wife is going to make on any subject is going to remotely be in your best interest in any way, shape, or form. She is acting like a selfish toddler. The only person who will stand up for you is you. If you don't start doing it immediately, she will crush you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Why would you be willing to just accept her back, especially without expecting her to show serious remorse, a dramatic change in behavior, and do all the major work?


Because he's codependent.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> She trashed your marriage, and you are letting her decide what animal she is going to take?


Yeah, he's codependent.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Yeah, he's codependent.


I'd have to say you are a master of understatement in this case, Bandit.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

UCanTalk said:


> Too many men have been emasculated my domineering mothers. I know because I had one.


not just moms,but the whole system. Ever notice it's ok in a sitcom for the wife to put down the husband, successfully manipulate him, etc - an it's all fun. The husband just takes it.

If the husband insulted the wife the show would have thousands of viewers calling for her to divorce him.

These messages put the idea into boy's heads that they should just accept whatever nasty crap they get sent their way by their wife - that somehow that's how marriages work.

So then you end up with a bunch of passive accepting men whose wives have no respect for.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> not just moms,but the whole system. Ever notice it's ok in a sitcom for the wife to put down the husband, successfully manipulate him, etc - an it's all fun. The husband just takes it.
> 
> If the husband insulted the wife the show would have thousands of viewers calling for her to divorce him.
> 
> ...


Damned true. Did you see the Super Bowl commercials? How about popular songs..._If You Like It You Shoulda Putta Ring On It, Girls Rule The World, Don't You Ever Feel Less Than Perfect._

If you want to know if something isn't right just think how it would be received if a man did or said it.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Lost_our_way said:


> We don't have any kids. A cat and a dog. She decided to take the dog and leave me the cat.


This in addition to the other previously mentioned info about the affair = no brainer.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> not just moms,but the whole system. Ever notice it's ok in a sitcom for the wife to put down the husband, successfully manipulate him, etc - an it's all fun. The husband just takes it.
> 
> If the husband insulted the wife the show would have thousands of viewers calling for her to divorce him.
> 
> ...


Amen. Shows like Home Improvement and countless others show guys that are manipulated, goaded, and guilt-tripped into doing and/or saying what their wives want with the threat of no sex/no going out with their friends/divorce being used like the wave motion gun in Star Blazers. Many guys, who do have very few, if any positive male figures in their lives, watch this stuff, see their 'large and in charge' moms do much of the same thing to their men, and grow up believing that this is the way to go. I know I sure did; if you read my story, you know how well that turned out.

I'm not saying that men need to be a-holes, jerks, or cretins. But there is a reason why they say that nice guys finish last. That guy always tend to get his heart stomped out and find his way on forums like this....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lost_our_way (Mar 1, 2012)

Im working on 180 letter to be delivered either tonight or tomorrow. Sad to say her favorite show is Everyone Loves Raymond... talk about a beat down on men


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## Lost_our_way (Mar 1, 2012)

does anyone have a link to a sample 180 letter?


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Lost_our_way said:


> does anyone have a link to a sample 180 letter?


I could be wrong, but I don't think there is such a thing. Why would you put your wife on written notice that you're going to change? Just do it. Actions, not words.


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## Lost_our_way (Mar 1, 2012)

I will be changing also, asking for the key to my apartment, no more watching her dog during the day, boxing everything up and she's picking up on Saturday. Out of my life, no more contact.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Lost_our_way said:


> I will be changing also, asking for the key to my apartment, no more watching her dog during the day, boxing everything up and she's picking up on Saturday. Out of my life, no more contact.


Yeah, don't write a 180, live a 180.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Do a 180. Don't write it. Divorce that wino.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Do a 180. Don't write it. Divorce that wino.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey bandit, don't you have that 180 letter in calligraphy that you could send out? You know the one on that paper with the unicorns, roses and perfume scent?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The 180
April 15 2011 at 8:48 AM Ami (Login Amistandingstill)
Healing Moderator 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.

This 180 list may help.
--------------------------

For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


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## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

Like some have said Lost, you are co-dependent. It'll take some work to get a handle on that. In the meantime, get rid of her and get yourself several hot chicks to be co-dependent with. You should date several. I've said before, everybody I've ever met that was heart broken and near suicide over a lost spouse became involved in another relationship and often remarried in a relatively short period of time and swearing in bedamn they now found the love of their life. Believe me, 2-3 years from now, she'll be a distant, unimportant memory. Like my uncle Fred, country singer and songwriter sez, " I'll love you foreever, and when forever's over, I'll be gone."


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## Lost_our_way (Mar 1, 2012)

Everything has come to a head in couples counseling. I told her I no longer wanted to be a doormat and would not be availible to complete daily tasks for her. And I needed the same exclusive access to my apartment that she enjoys at her apartment. 

She responded by saying she is filing for divorce.

I let her know I will not / can not stop her. But I will not do any leg work to assist her. She can find out what the procedures to file and divide investments and other assets. When she has compiled all the information required she can send me a letter and I will review and accept / decline at that time. 

I got her key to my apartment, she will no longer be dropping the dog off and will no longer be able to come visit my cat at the apartment.


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## Lost_our_way (Mar 1, 2012)

I should also add I made it very clear I know she had an affair. I read the sext messages on her cell phone. She denied completely and has no remorse. In the end she relented and said it doesn't matter because we are getting a divorce. I let her know it matters because she is a cheater. she said I was psycho for looking at her cell and confirming she had been to his home on the GPS. She has looked at my cell and I remided her I was only doing what she had done many times before. 

Time for me to heal myself and move on.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Good riddance.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Good for you. Get rid of her and get on with your life. She's talking smack now but I guarantee in a few days she'll be calling you begging you not to drop her. When that happens don't give in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Why don't you want to file?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

LOst,

Good for you. Tell her to get lost and stay lost.

Your wife is a cheater and will not change right now.

Move on, get her out of your life and move on.

Good Luck,

Happy


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Lost_our_way said:


> I should also add I made it very clear I know she had an affair. I read the sext messages on her cell phone. She denied completely and has no remorse. In the end she relented and said it doesn't matter because we are getting a divorce. I let her know it matters because she is a cheater. she said I was psycho for looking at her cell and confirming she had been to his home on the GPS. She has looked at my cell and I remided her I was only doing what she had done many times before.
> 
> Time for me to heal myself and move on.



Woah man!! Did not expect that from you. You did great.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Agree w/ bandit you are doing all the codependent stuff I used to do. Until now!

The best part is letting THEM choose whatever and being OK with it. They want a divorce? You agree. You don't cry that your life is over (even if you feel like it is). Why? Because when you stop loving someone who is disrespecting you, the whole world opens up.

There is lots of space there without the blame. No need to blame her because you are moving on, wishing her the best. You tried. You are going to be OK without the marriage that has been depleting you, in every way----taken up every second of your time.

If she wakes up, and she might, and realizes what she lost. Be strong. Take care of yourself.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> The best part is letting THEM choose whatever and being OK with it. They want a divorce? You agree. You don't cry that your life is over (even if you feel like it is). Why? *Because when you stop loving someone who is disrespecting you, the whole world opens up.*


Lost,

That is one of the best sentences I have ever read. You just gave me hope.


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## Lost_our_way (Mar 1, 2012)

I've told her that when she looks back on this needs to remember I did EVERYTHING possible to save the marriage. The decision for D is hers and hers alone. And I will not spend one ounce of my energy towards the D. I also said my fight for the marriage is not because I can't move on. It is because I decided to fight for the marriage. But now that she has decided to file for D, I WILL go on to date, find true love and I will marry again.

I'm a nice guy... until I can be nice no longer.

I think she is trying to get the D wrapped up so she can have present the OM as her BF without guilt. As we all know thier relationship may not last long enough for it


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Lost_our_way said:


> Time for me to heal myself and move on.


Remember this statement when you begin to question whether what you've done is correct. It was correct, still is correct and will be correct.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

You think you're still a couple and she's lost her way, going through some kind of psychological something, and she will come out of it if the right buttons are pushed and the right steps are taken. You have no kids, a couple of cars, two pets, and live in separate apartments. Do not perform any more "daily tasks" for her. If her car breaks down, there are mechanics and busses. Make certain that all of your finances are separated immediately. Don't pay any bill for her. Don't lend her any money. Don't buy her a gift. Don't send her a letter or a card. Don't text her. Don't call her family or friends to see if they can help get you back together. She's working? Great. Divorce her right now before she gets laid off or quits or runs off with some guy and stays at home and then you wind up paying alimony. On the legal end, delay is not your friend. Don't waste your money in couples counseling unless the laws in your state require it to finalize a divorce.

don't preoccupy yourself with what she's doing or saying or who she's with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

"she said I was psycho for looking at her cell and *confirming she had been to his home on the GPS*."

didn't i tell you they _were_ screwing for some time, now?

that f*cker was just feelin' you out(having beers)....gauging how much you really knew about the sitch.


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## Lost_our_way (Mar 1, 2012)

I had a friend come over Saturday morning and we boxed up all of her stuff. Set it outside and texted her to let her know she could come get her stuff. I left the apt. She texted me to let me know she had returned the truck. No more contact, no more anything. In seperate conversations I let her and cheating BF I know the entire extent of thier relationship. I had long ago decided they would not make it out thinking I didn't know what they did. It was very rewarding to call an war verteran (always portrayed himself as honorable) a coward for not being able to own up to his actions.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Lost_our_way said:


> She texted me to let me know she had returned the truck. No more contact, no more anything. .


Yeah, she's playing tough now. Let her. All you need to do is set up the lawn chair, sit back, crack open a cold one and watch the trainwreck as it happens. 

When her boyfriend has used her up and has no need of her drunken a*ss anymore, and she's burned through every fairweather friend she has, she'll be calling you up all sweet and nice wanting you to forget the past and take her back. 

I guarantee you this will happen. Barflies are all cut from the same cloth.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Make sure to inform everyone of he cheating as the reason the marriage ended in divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Good for you Lost.

Time to move on and find a good woman who tells the truth and wants an honest relationship.

Keep moving forward and never look back.


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## Lost_our_way (Mar 1, 2012)

her brother and brother in law have been let know. That way when she introduces her great "friend" they will know exactly who he is.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Good. Tell everybody: nieces, nephews great aunts, the mailman, her hairdresser, the cashier at the liquor store... everybody. Spread the word.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Good. Tell everybody: nieces, nephews great aunts, the mailman, her hairdresser, the cashier at the liquor store... everybody. Spread the word.


My wife works with a guy whose wife cheated on him and took him to the cleaners in the divorce. He introduces himself by saying "Hi, my name is *** and my wife cheated on me and left me. He says he wants everyone to know just in case they ever meet his wife they'll know they're in the presence of a skank.


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