# Am I nuts for thinking there's more?



## Notalwaysperfect (Aug 23, 2013)

Ok. First off, yes, I'm new to this Forum. I'm not a troll, or anything of the sort. I have a REAL issue, and I'm tired of thinking about it, so I need advice.

About and year and a half ago, I'd found out my husband had a female co-worker that he'd become good friends with. They take both breaks and lunch together. I had NO idea she'd existed. They would text, and he'd delete them. He'd said he was worried that I'd be upset, so he got rid of them, but that he wasn't doing anything wrong. He would call me and ask advice for 'a friend', and I'd ask who (thinking it might help if I knew), and he would grow defensive and say, "IT IS JUST A FRIEND." When he'd finally told me who this woman was, I asked to meet her. My opinion is that any woman who is friends with your spouse, should be on speaking terms with you, out of respect.

Well, she had NO desire to meet me. She'd moved to Arizona, and they were still texting a bit, here and there. He would delete them again (not that I LOOKED, he TOLD me he did it). Then, on our Anniversary, I asked if he was attracted to her. He said, "Oh yeah... I'd f*** her if I were single." He didn't understand what was wrong with that statement. In his mind, he's not single, so no fuss.

After a month of her being gone, he and I finally had it out to where he told her they couldn't be friends anymore. She then wrote on her FB that I'm a bi*ch, and that I caused her to lose a friend. Again... never talking to ME about this. Never even asking to talk to me, or anything. I saw his letter to her. He'd told her that it was best if they stopped speaking.

Fast forward 6 months, or so, and she moves BACK. (we're in St. Louis) She moves back and immediately wants to strike up the friendship again, because she works with him again. I said, NO way. Not unless she wants to be friends with me, as well. She did NOT like that idea. Told him that when she's friends with a woman, they try to steal her man. Told him that she lost her BEST friend because of me. Mind you, they met 2 years ago when he started working there. Sorry... Best friend position is filled, thanks.

Finally, and reluctantly, she said HELLO (only word she's ever said to me, EVER), then added me to FB. AFTER she spoke with my husband and asked if she should add me. She was on my FB for a few months, and when I wrote that he'd taken two days off to spend with me, she suddenly deletes me.

A little back history: He's had a crush on female co-workers before. Has he cheated? I don't know. He swears he hasn't, and I believe him because our schedules are such that I see him except when he's at work. He says that he always had a 'back-up' plan of a woman 'crush' in case I left him. We've been married 20 years. 

This other woman has posted on her FB that she's been there for him SO many times. The thing is, he's NOT an open book. He's very quiet. He has griped about our financial woes to her, before, thus she must feel she's been there for him. I guess?

Anyway... He won't stop being friends with her, and they are right back to where they started, except texting. He even asked her when she lost her virginity, all to find out how old she was when she had her first child. To me, he could have just said "Hey! How old were you when you had your first child?" but that's me.

So my question is this: Do I have the right to feel jealousy? I totally feel like she's disrespecting me, AND he is. He gets angry and defensive and says he's sick of hearing about this, yet neither have really tried to make me feel any better about it. What would anyone here, do? I'm just confused. I don't have male friends that he doesn't know about, or that I've not tried to introduce him to. I don't have male friends where I don't know their spouses. I feel it's disrespectful.

Any help is greatly appreciated and if there is clarification needed, don't hesitate to ask. I'm at a loss, here.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you and your husband read "Not Just Friends"?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It sounds like at best there are three people in your marriage & you are the odd man out.

This is an EA & may well be a PA. You should do some snooping to find out what they say to one another before you decide what to do. She definitely sees you as someone who is butting in on her relationship with him. How dare you?

If it were me, I would take the time to get the information I needed to understand as well as possible the depth of their relationship. Only then would I decide how to proceed. If I wanted to save my M after that, I would insist on absolute NC as a start.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You are right to feel jealous and disrespected this is an ea at least going to a pa if it hasn't already. You can't control him but you can control what you will put up with. Do you still have sex regularly? Does he seem distant? Does he always keep his phone on him. It may come to a point where you get to the point of ending the marriage in order to save it but your gut feeling is spot on.


----------



## Notalwaysperfect (Aug 23, 2013)

Now see... This is where I _do_ trust him. I know it's not physical, at least yet. He seriously has NO time. He's still physically affectionate with me, and emotionally. We sit on the couch and cuddle, etc. That's why I'm confused. He may be attracted to her, but just in his head. The whole 'friendship' bugs the crap out of me though. They 'tried' incorporating me into their whatever-this-is, a few months ago, but SHE failed at it and ignores me whenever possible. Then again, I blame him, too. He hasn't flat-out told her that they can't be friends if I'm not respected in this. He said, "Well, I have to work with her and don't want drama." In other words, to me, he has to spend more time with her than he does me, so it's best to keep HER happy. That's how _I_ see it. I think, if I let it go, it could turn into something. Yes, we still have sex, so that's healthy. Not as much as we'd like, mind you. lol


----------



## Notalwaysperfect (Aug 23, 2013)

Oh, and I forgot this one. About two weeks ago, she'd asked him to meet up with her at McDonald's after work, every night, so he could teach her how to use Excel and Windows 7. (She's not bright at ALL, and has problems with email.) He offered up ME to help her, and she got upset. Wouldn't talk to anyone for a week. When I tried helping her, she got mad and this was her exact response:

"I got everything under control. No big deal. Thanks anyway. No need to talk about it anymore. Thanks. Ok"


----------



## Notalwaysperfect (Aug 23, 2013)

No... what is "Not Just Friends"??


----------



## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

You know, my husband had a friend I didn't know about until about a month after it went physical... Like you, I never knew she existed. He talked about his "buddy B and his family are going to the river with me and the kids" but NEVER mentioned her. Turns out, he only met his buddy through HER. They were "friends" for almost a year, and I never suspected a thing. It went PA, and I only found out about it because of THE BUTT CALL FROM GOD when I listened to him talk to her like he used to talk to me for around 15 minutes. It was very hard for him to put her down. He wanted to continue their "friendship" after the A was discovered, would answer her calls every few days because she threatened suicide. 
A man can't say, "Oh, we're just going to be friends again, I promise I won't stick my **** in her anymore". 
If your H hasn't gone there already...he is headed there, and quickly. I will tell you what I said to my WH when I found out he answered his phone when she called (phone bill), that made him realize he was about to lose me... I said, "If you need or want her in your life in ANY capacity, then I don't want or need you in mine." It was the most difficult thing I ever said.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sounds to me like she is lusting after him pretty hard that is a big problem. He should shut this down. Something physically will happen if you play with fire...


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Notalwaysperfect said:


> No... what is "Not Just Friends"??


A book by Shirley Glass. 

Your husband is entirely to blame for this situation, not her. He's the one that married you, and he's the one that needs to set and enforce boundaries. She's blatantly manipulating situations to spend time with him as her "knight in shining armor", and he's lapping it up. But until he recognizes there's a problem and the degree of the problem, it won't change. 

As far as it not being physical... I'd say it might not be physical YET. But they're walking on very thin ice. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Notalwaysperfect said:


> 1 - They would text, and he'd delete them.
> 
> 2 - Well, she had NO desire to meet me.
> 
> ...


You have provided your own top-ten list of the reasons that you should not accept this "friendship". At the very least this contact is inappropriate and he has stepped way beyond a reasonable marital boundary. 

At worst, they are in an EA and are heading straight toward a PA.

I'd put my money on the latter.

Since she works with him, there is no way he can avoid contact with her. But you can certainly insist that he stop all contact away from work - and you should. He should block her as a FB contact, block her calls and e-mails.

Then I would monitor his communications (covertly) for the immediate future to see if they continue contact. You can get a lot of help here with that. After that, if you find evidence of continued contact away from work, you can rest assured this is an EA or PA. 

Then your only option would be to insist that he find another job or she does, and that he sends her a no contact letter.

This is how affairs start - and workplace affairs are the most difficult for the BS to deal with.

Keep posting.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Your husband is a turd. The words he says and the actions he has taken show that when he gets the chance it will go PA.

Your husband hiding his texts is all the proof I need that he is lying. To me this is cheating, plain and simple.

This is not a person you should become friends with and the sooner your husband deletes his FB the better. Your husband should not be on FB period.

I suspect there is more going on here. Sorry to say it but there is definetly smoke.

Your husband needs to be completely transparent.


----------



## Notalwaysperfect (Aug 23, 2013)

You've made me cry, Calm. I remember him constantly throwing it in my face that I "made him lose his friend" all because they didn't do anything. That's how he'd phrase it. "Oh... we were only friends!" I asked why he hid things from me and he said, "Because I knew you'd do this." I tried to explain that's WHY I'm like this now. Because he hid them, and said what he did on our anniversary and how she treats me. I know he loves me. I know that more than anything. I'm not putting on blinders, or anything like that. There are things that could be better. Financially, you name it. He's always apologizing because he can be verbally mean when he's upset. (He's bipolar, and yes... taking medication for it) In fact, he went to the doc FOR me. So there's a lot that he does to try to fix things on his end. It's her. I don't blame her completely, though, and I can't. Maybe he really is keeping her on the side (just friends, though, of course ) in case I leave and that's why he won't just tell her they're done being friends. I don't know. She claims to have a boyfriend (still living in Az, mind you, and he only sees her once every two months of course), but then why does she BLOW up every time my dh and her have an argument? Like she's a wounded lover? I really do think that something COULD happen, but he won't listen to me. I think I need to quote you, Calm. I really do.


----------



## Notalwaysperfect (Aug 23, 2013)

He doesn't have FB. He deleted it when they stopped their friendship that time. Claimed he didn't want it anymore, but I had a feeling it was because of her. That's just a feeling, though. I have no concrete proof. He WORKS with her, 9 hours a day. Takes two 15 minute breaks with her, and lunch with her and two other people. If those people aren't sitting there, it's just her. So they are around one another constantly.


----------



## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

He is obviously still in the fog even if things haven't gone physical. My FWH's POSOW was a damsel in distress, married to an alcoholic and her kids were mean to her, blah blah blah. 
After the first time he told her they couldn't speak anymore, he was just lying around and still not discussing much with me, I asked if he loved her. He looked at me and through his teeth said, "How about asking me if I MISS her!"
I do not know that man anymore,thank God, and he doesn't recognize who he was then. But he DOES realize he was in a very toxic relationship with this woman. Looking back, he is amazed at his own stupidity. 
The man you love, and the one who claims to still love you, is still in there. It may be very difficult to find him, because he doesn't even know he's lost.


----------



## Notalwaysperfect (Aug 23, 2013)

Badmemory... you made me giggle, I have to admit. I'm very much a person that sees the humor in any situation and your "You've made your own Top 10 List" cracked me up with the irony of it all.

Thank you, everyone. I know that if I bring it up to him again, he'll get angry AGAIN. He always says, "I'm sick of hearing this" and I do bring it up a lot. I tell him I'm not angry with him, and honestly... I'm not. I understand how affairs start. Hell... he was MY boss when we met, so I get it. I know they have no contact on the phone. I know that for a FACT. They don't privately email, as far as I know. I don't read his emails, though. But... he always has me get in his email to check for bills or read a letter from his Dad, etc. So I've got his password to EVERYTHING and if he were to correspond with her in that respect, I'd know. Maybe. ****, I don't know anymore. 

I'm going to put it to him like Calm did. We can only see what happens. I know they talk flirtatiously. He now works in a warehouse setting and they ALL talk like that. I'm sick of that excuse though. I'm sick of "Oh, it's ok... we all do it." No. I don't care, it's white trash talk to me.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Get a VAR, use strong velcro to mount it in the car in a spot that he won't see & let it run for a week. This is usually the quickest way to find out what is really happening. Once you know, you can make some decisions for yourself.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Notalwaysperfect said:


> Now see... This is where I _do_ trust him. I know it's not physical, at least yet. He seriously has NO time.


OP,

Not so fast. I can't tell you the number of situations we've seen like this where the BS thought the same thing. What could they do at work?

If they are at work together, they *CAN* figure out a way to meet privately during work hours. In a car, in a closet, in a bathroom, calling in sick and meeting somewhere, a few minutes before or after work, etc. Don't be naive.

I'm not saying they have. I'm saying that they can, if they want to badly enough.


----------



## Notalwaysperfect (Aug 23, 2013)

I think the thing that drives me most insane is that he says this is all a non-issue because he's not sleeping with her. "we're just friends" is all I get. Then why can't this other woman incorporate me into it? And why, after 2 years, do _I_ need to be incorporated into a friendship when I've been with him for 20?? Why won't he tell her that they're only to discuss work and no more breaks together if she can't respect me? Why does he allow her to call him her 'best friend'? These are the questions that go through my head. I'm ok with him being physically attracted to someone. That's human nature. Just don't act upon it. The thing is... when they've now opened up this form of intimacy (emotional) between the two of them, talking about money or family problems or when she first had sex, then that opens the door TO the physical. A little kiss after work, or a "Oh I have to help her after work". And yes... she ONLY goes to him for help. He said he's sick of it, and he snaps at her all the time, but she acts wounded and makes him feel guilty. I told him it's a ploy, but he still falls for it.


----------



## Notalwaysperfect (Aug 23, 2013)

You're right. Where there's a will, there's a way. I know.


----------



## Notalwaysperfect (Aug 23, 2013)

And for the record: He _has_ apologized for his comment about sleeping with her if he were single. He has taken the blame for my pain in the beginning. It's just that we're back at square 1 again. She refuses to acknowledge my existence and even blows up when he and I are outwardly happy, and he won't tell her that unless I'm a part of this, she's out. SO tired of hearing, "But I have to work with her." He always tells me I'm most important, but this ONE woman he has a hard time defending me in front of. He has NEVER defended me to her. Not once. It's always, "You're being stupid" to me.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Get a VAR, use strong velcro to mount it in the car in a spot that he won't see & let it run for a week. This is usually the quickest way to find out what is really happening. Once you know, you can make some decisions for yourself.


How did I forget that alte Get the good sony brand var and get lithium batteries you will find out what you are up against. If you have one near go to best buy.


----------



## Notalwaysperfect (Aug 23, 2013)

And here's another question: Do I tell her, myself, or wait for him to?


----------



## Notalwaysperfect (Aug 23, 2013)

Ok. I'll see where I can get one. Best Buy, perhaps?


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Notalwaysperfect said:


> Ok. I'll see where I can get one. Best Buy, perhaps?


Yes PM a guy named weightlifter he know the exact model that worked for a guy named rdmu.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Okay, let's assume that there is no EA or PA, yet.

You have every right to establish this boundary regardless. For most married couples, it is not alright to have opposite sex best friends. That's being disrespectful to your spouse and just inviting the temptation of an A.

Then, you throw in his signs of deception, her disrespect toward you, his ambivalence over the matter, his admitted attraction to her; there's really no other decision to make. 

He stops contact, or it's time you talk to an attorney.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

If you here "bad" things in the car stop listening and call a good friend not sayin but anything is possible.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Notalwaysperfect said:


> And here's another question: Do I tell her, myself, or wait for him to?


He does it. She'd just ignore you.


----------



## Notalwaysperfect (Aug 23, 2013)

Ya know... I've wondered if they sit in the car at lunch... or whatever. I really have. I've found the seat in different positions, etc. But... we have two teens, so I thought it could be them, too. I'm getting one. THANK you for that heads-up.


----------



## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Notalwaysperfect said:


> And for the record: He _has_ apologized for his comment about sleeping with her if he were single. He has taken the blame for my pain in the beginning. It's just that we're back at square 1 again. She refuses to acknowledge my existence and even blows up when he and I are outwardly happy, and he won't tell her that unless I'm a part of this, she's out. SO tired of hearing, "But I have to work with her." He always tells me I'm most important, but this ONE woman he has a hard time defending me in front of. He has NEVER defended me to her. Not once. It's always, "You're being stupid" to me.


That is very telling. You are his wife of 20 years. He should defend you to the teeth no matter what, right, wrong, or otherwise. To his statement of he HAS to work with her...uh, no, he can get another job. All of us work with at least one difficult person. He does NOT have to leave you out in the cold in order to keep a work colleague from getting in a snit. He really needs to how he sounds saying this. Fog-talk if I ever heard it.


----------



## Notalwaysperfect (Aug 23, 2013)

We've worked SO hard to get to where we are in our marriage, and I hate to see this screw it up. We weren't truly comfortable with one another until what... 6 years ago? Which sounds awful, but there were things that had to change for that to happen. On both of our parts, not just his or mine.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Notalwaysperfect said:


> And for the record: He _has_ apologized for his comment about sleeping with her if he were single. He has taken the blame for my pain in the beginning. It's just that we're back at square 1 again. She refuses to acknowledge my existence and even blows up when he and I are outwardly happy, and he won't tell her that unless I'm a part of this, she's out. SO tired of hearing, "But I have to work with her." He always tells me I'm most important, but this ONE woman he has a hard time defending me in front of. He has NEVER defended me to her. Not once. It's always, "You're being stupid" to me.


I don't know if anyone here has mentioned this to you yet, but "In order to save your marriage, you must be willing to loose it". Look up the "180" and implement it. Draw your line in the sand and let him know that if his behavior doesn't change, your going to dump him. This includes asking him to leave his job. Then begin to show him that you don't need him. As far as the other woman goes, ignore her like the turd that she is and then flaunt your relationship with your husband when appropriate; that will make her head explode.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

calmwinds said:


> That is very telling. You are his wife of 20 years. He should defend you to the teeth no matter what, right, wrong, or otherwise. To his statement of he HAS to work with her...uh, no, he can get another job. All of us work with at least one difficult person. He does NOT have to leave you out in the cold in order to keep a work colleague from getting in a snit. He really needs to how he sounds saying this. Fog-talk if I ever heard it.


As stalky as she is what happens if he does end things with her. What if she falsely accuses him of harassment ect. just to get back at him she sounds like she has a little bunny boiler in her ugh he's a dope putting himself in this position.


----------



## Notalwaysperfect (Aug 23, 2013)

Tom, I've thought of that. I honestly have. One of the security guys that knows her said she's nuts. Sooooooo... that bothers me.


----------



## Notalwaysperfect (Aug 23, 2013)

I honestly don't believe they have slept together. I do, however, think that if the opportunity presented itself, I might lose the battle. If he's happier with her, then he just needs to say so. It's obvious my feelings don't matter anymore.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

calmwinds said:


> That is very telling. You are his wife of 20 years. He should defend you to the teeth no matter what, right, wrong, or otherwise. To his statement of he HAS to work with her...uh, no, he can get another job. All of us work with at least one difficult person. He does NOT have to leave you out in the cold in order to keep a work colleague from getting in a snit. He really needs to how he sounds saying this. Fog-talk if I ever heard it.


:iagree:

This is the tip of the iceberg, combined with all the other facts, especially when he gets defensive about it. 

Then there's the lunch dates, him claiming that she's pursuing him, that he snaps at her, uh, okay. 

I'd keylog the computers and employ the VAR. He deleted his facebook account? Its easy to create a secret one tied to a secret email. They don't call Facebook, "Cheating Made Easy" for nothing. Its also too easy to create a secret email account. Just because she has his passwords to his known accounts mean nothing.

I had a false sense of security because I thought I had my fWWs passwords to all her accounts. What I didn't know was that she had created a secret email account and facebook account. Had I been on this forum back then, computer monitoring software would have alerted me to this.


----------



## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

tom67 said:


> As stalky as she is what happens if he does end things with her. What if she falsely accuses him of harassment ect. just to get back at him she sounds like she has a little bunny boiler in her ugh he's a dope putting himself in this position.


If he fears a bunny boiler, he should go to his direct supervisor, or even HR and let them know what's up. Or OP could do it. Husband can be mad if he wants to be. Being mad isn't going to hurt him.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Notalwaysperfect said:


> Tom, I've thought of that. I honestly have. One of the security guys that knows her said she's nuts. Sooooooo... that bothers me.


Do you have any male family members that could talk to him about this to tell him what he is about to lose. An intervention I think is needed because obviously he is tuning you out. It's coming to that point imo.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Would you really feel better if she "friended" you and acted chummy? I know I wouldn't. 

This is ultimatum ground. 

That comment of his would have been enough for me. In fact, I am not sure I could ever get over such an insensitive comment. It goes to the heart of his disrespect for you. 

He wants her. Getting rid of her closes the door to that possibility. He values that possibility more than your marriage.

Drag his immature thinking with his little head arse into MC pronto and be very clear that she goes or HE goes - kick him out.

If she is married, go to her husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

calmwinds said:


> If he fears a bunny boiler, he should go to his direct supervisor, or even HR and let them know what's up. Or OP could do it. Husband can be mad if he wants to be. Being mad isn't going to hurt him.


He's let this go so long they may just let go of the both of them. He has to start looking for another.


----------



## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Actions, as they say speak louder than words:



Notalwaysperfect said:


> Anyway... *He won't stop being friends with her*, and they are right back to where they started, except texting.


Doesn't fit with putting you first.



Notalwaysperfect said:


> He always tells me I'm most important, but this ONE woman he has a hard time defending me in front of. He has NEVER defended me to her. Not once. It's always, "You're being stupid" to me.


Talk is cheap. He won't include you in their friendship, making YOU, his WIFE the outsider. He won't stop interacting with her despite it making you uncomfortable (quite rightly in your case). His secretive behaviour truly shows his guilt.

He won't break off this unhealthy relationship, not because he feels he's doing nothing wrong, but because he doesn't want to or feel he has to.

Get the VAR in place, but most of all plan your confrontation, when it happens, carefully.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Notalwaysperfect said:


> Oh, and I forgot this one. About two weeks ago, she'd asked him to meet up with her at McDonald's after work, every night, so he could teach her how to use Excel and Windows 7. (She's not bright at ALL, and has problems with email.) He offered up ME to help her, and she got upset. Wouldn't talk to anyone for a week. When I tried helping her, she got mad and this was her exact response:
> 
> "I got everything under control. No big deal. Thanks anyway. No need to talk about it anymore. Thanks. Ok"


That seals the deal. He may have the best intentions, but the woman has her eyes set on him.

She is seeing you as competition for him. She's asking for help and favors from him.

She's not out to make friendships with people, she's out to have him as her friend.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

When he says, "You are making me give up a good friend because you are insecure", what he really means is; "You caught me and stopped me before I got a chance to bone her, back off."


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Notalwaysperfect said:


> He doesn't have FB. He deleted it when they stopped their friendship that time. Claimed he didn't want it anymore, but I had a feeling it was because of her. That's just a feeling, though. I have no concrete proof. He WORKS with her, 9 hours a day. Takes two 15 minute breaks with her, and lunch with her and two other people. If those people aren't sitting there, it's just her. So they are around one another constantly.


You need to start snooping by placing software on his computer and phone.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> Would you really feel better if she "friended" you and acted chummy? I know I wouldn't.
> 
> This is ultimatum ground.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Notalwaysperfect said:


> He doesn't have FB. He deleted it when they stopped their friendship that time. Claimed he didn't want it anymore, but I had a feeling it was because of her. That's just a feeling, though. I have no concrete proof. He WORKS with her, 9 hours a day. Takes two 15 minute breaks with her, and lunch with her and two other people. If those people aren't sitting there, it's just her. So they are around one another constantly.


This too has to stop. No more lunches with her !! Total No Contact it's you or her. Put your foot down, now.
Ah,and...in response to your thread title: you would be nuts NOT to think there's more. If she doesn't back off, go to her work place and complain to her boss. May get her fired or at least embarrassed. People see them together, and how they act toward each other, so they will believe you. If she has a SO, contact him asap.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Notalwaysperfect said:


> I had NO idea she'd existed. They would text, and he'd delete them. He'd said he was worried that I'd be upset, so he got rid of them, but that he wasn't doing anything wrong.
> 
> She'd moved to Arizona, and they were still texting a bit, here and there. He would delete them again
> 
> ...


My guess is that there is a level of sexual tension and flirting going on between her and him and that is why he deletes the texts.

The thing that bothers me the most about what you've posted is that the IT security guy said *"she's nuts." *I'm guessing that everyone at the job thinks she's a nut. And they obviously see that your husband is at the least very, very friendly with the nut. So they either think he is a nut, or willing to put up with a nut. If he is not nuts, but just willing to put up with a nut, why? Taken together with what you've posted about your husband, his actions, and his responses (I'd f her if I was single; I always have a backup plan; I delete the texts because you would be upset; we're just friends) to your legitimate concerns, even you are painting your husband as a bit of a nut.

So she's a nut and he's a nut. Their actions - deleting texts and the way they both act toward you - don't make a lot of sense, he is happily married, she has a boyfriend, they are just friends. From what you posted your husband is normal except when it comes to this relationship with this woman (and other women who he sees as a backup plan).

So, if you think about it, it doesn't make sense that they are just friends and act this way, but it would make perfect sense if they are romantically involved, cheating, and act this way. So, do you believe the story line that doesn't make sense or the one that does?

Don't discount a physical affair as a possibility.

Next to the fact that another co-worker has deemed her "a nut," the thing that bothers me is the *deleting of the texts. That's just about always the sign of a cheater, or one on the path to cheating, or one standing on the slippery slope of inappropriate communications.*

At the very least, he likes the sexual/romantic interest (even though it may be slightly "veiled") from her, she the same from him.

I really think you have to see the content of what they are saying to each other to get a better idea of where you and he stand. If you can, keylog the phone or his computer. Put the voice-activated recorder in the car. Give it a week or two and see if you can figure out just how inappropriate this relationship with her is.


----------

