# Considering divorce



## MrRick1981 (Sep 7, 2010)

Hi,

My wife and I have been together for 10 years, and married for three. There's a bit of a sad story behind how we found each other, and we got married when she got pregnant with our son. I'm not ashamed to admit that we folded to pressure from family to marry once the baby was here. Honestly, I was considering leaving her before she got pregnant, but I decided to go the extra mile for the sake of the baby.

Its been three years now, and I'm considering divorcing my wife. I work steady as a special education teacher. The few people I'm comfortable talking to about this decision tell me that it sounds like I've already decided. My reasons are below...

- 0 patience for our son. She seems to think that parenting consists of repeating the same thing over and over until the kid complies. Anyone with a three year old boy here knows that it just doesn't work. She gets so angry at him when he doesn't listen or follow her directions, and while I don't think it crosses into abuse I don't think it's healthy for him either. It shows in our relationships; He's much closer to me. Half the time she just finds some excuse to bring him to daycare so she doesn't have to deal with him (she justifies it by saying that he likes daycare, which he does), which leads me to the next point.

- She hasn't had steady work in just over two years. When we married she had a good position as a supervisor in a bank. When our son was 9 months old, she decided to quit her job and go back to nursing school, working as a nurses aide on the side. She didn't give it anywhere near the attention it needed and she flunked out. Since then she hasn't had more than 20 hrs/wk. There were occasional spurts of work where she would find overtime, but then she would loaf around acting exhausted. In the meantime, I'm working 40-50 hours with big, aggressive special needs students, picking our son up from daycare, going through most of his nightly routine because, according to her, "He won't listen to me." We ended up living with my parents, and we just can't get out because she won't keep a damn job. And in spite of never having any money, she still brings the kid to daycare at the drop of a hat.

- Work ethic. I'm no workaholic, nor am I super tidy. But I don't think it's too 1950's of me to expect that the person who _isn't_ working take over the majority of the housework. So why is our bedroom a huge mess? Why is our sons room always a huge mess? Why does he not have clean clothes?

- Attitude. She's a nice person when things go her way. But if things don't go the way she wants she either throws a big pity party or turns really nasty and sarcastic. She gets like this in front of our son, too. I don't want him learning that it's ok to raise your voice and get nasty and sarcastic when he has a disagreement with someone, but she doesn't hold back. I've had to ask her many many times to not do that in front of our son, but even then she's got to get the last word in. Infuriates me.

It got to the point where, last week, I asked her to leave. Well, not so nice as that since it was in the middle of a fight, but you get the point. She became very weepy and angry, cursed at me, accused me of being ungrateful, etc etc. I felt badly at first, but after I calmed down and looked toward the future I felt as if a weight had been lifted. I actually felt good for the first time in a very long while. She called and I agreed to let her come back so we could talk, and we agreed to try to work it out. But I keep thinking about how good it felt to be free of her (perhaps that isn't the right word), and I wonder whether or not that is the right way to go.

Sorry to be so long winded here in my first post. I'm looking forward to responses and advice.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Welcome to the forum! I think at this stage, it's very important that you seriously discuss what 'try to work it out' means. If it means doing the same thing but trying to push things that bother you under the rug, you will certainly feel the same or worse going forward. 

I think by asking her to leave, the timing is now that you need to really talk about your marriage and what you both need for it to be a happy one. There are many opportunities for change...getting your own place, her future career plans, etc. I felt so guilty when my kids were in daycare while I was at work, I cannot imagine dropping them off there when I didn't need to!


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## MrRick1981 (Sep 7, 2010)

swedish said:


> Welcome to the forum! I think at this stage, it's very important that you seriously discuss what 'try to work it out' means. If it means doing the same thing but trying to push things that bother you under the rug, you will certainly feel the same or worse going forward.


Thank you for the response and the warm welcome.  I'm not sure that I know what it means to work it out with regards to my wife. More importantly, I'm not sure I have an interest in doing so. I don't think I love her anymore. Shes changed too much. I mean, she wasn't like this when we first met. It's only since we had our son. I'm rather looking forward to it just being him and I.




> I think by asking her to leave, the timing is now that you need to really talk about your marriage and what you both need for it to be a happy one. There are many opportunities for change...getting your own place, her future career plans, etc.


When we talk about these things, she frequently absolves herself of any responsibility and places either blame or obligation on others. My parents (now that we live with them) have seen us disagree and tell me that she takes a "best defense = good offense" approach to conflict. I find it very difficult to problem-solve with someone whose sole interest seems to be deflection. 



> I felt so guilty when my kids were in daycare while I was at work, I cannot imagine dropping them off there when I didn't need to!


I know what you mean. I dropped him off at daycare this morning (first day back, boohoo!), and I felt terrible.


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## Leaise Igoa (Sep 7, 2010)

Wow, I feel like your wife and mine have a lot in common. We don't have any kids yet but Im afraid she would be the same way if we did.

I think you asking her to leave is a good decision. If she doesnt change then she could make you and your son very miserable.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

MrRick,

I have to applaud you for your chosen profession. My nephew has special needs and I watch him (and his 5 yr old sister) once a week to give my sister and her h a break and I learn something new all the time...last week was putting him into the 'baby' swing at the park (he is 7)...and when he wanted to get down...I could not lift him out! I was almost in a panic thinking I needed to call reinforcements but taking his shoes off and lifting with all my might finally worked!

Ok, back on topic:

Even though you agreed to try to work things out, I think you should let her know (if you haven't already) that you are feeling it may be too little too late for you. She needs the point driven home that going back to status quo will not work. If you give her any false sense of security, it is unfair to her leaving her believe you are really thinking about a future together when you are not.

On the other side, I understand you are feeling 'done' but if she does take this as a wake-up call, wait it out a bit and see if she begins to resemble the woman you knew when you first got together. There must be something that triggered her change...post-partum depression?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I agree with this. I actually think that in cases where a spouse simply focuses on deflection/blaming others a very short and well defined time table helps. By the way, 30 days is plenty of time for someone to show enough improvement or none at all - for you to have an idea of what to expect. 

I also think a written list is invaluable. Something like, in order for our marriage to continue I need you to do .... and be specific as possible. Maybe agree to limited use of daycare per month. And tell her nicely - if she does not want to do all this stuff she can simply pack her bags now. No need for her to pretend to try. 

Ultimately though if she refuses to take responsibility for her own choices and continues to try to put blame unfairly on you, you are better off without her. 




swedish said:


> MrRick,
> 
> I have to applaud you for your chosen profession. My nephew has special needs and I watch him (and his 5 yr old sister) once a week to give my sister and her h a break and I learn something new all the time...last week was putting him into the 'baby' swing at the park (he is 7)...and when he wanted to get down...I could not lift him out! I was almost in a panic thinking I needed to call reinforcements but taking his shoes off and lifting with all my might finally worked!
> 
> ...


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

*


MEM11363 said:



I also think a written list is invaluable. Something like, in order for our marriage to continue I need you to do .... and be specific as possible. Maybe agree to limited use of daycare per month. And tell her nicely - if she does not want to do all this stuff she can simply pack her bags now. No need for her to pretend to try.

Click to expand...

*I love your advice MEM11363, but I'd personally be a little wary of starting off with an ultimatum. When trying to kill a fly, it is wiser to begin with a fly-swatter than a bazooka. Why both are surely effective, the latter inflicts a lot more collateral damage.

First, I would recommend a simple heart to heart. Share with her the grief that her actions are causing you and the resentment it brings into your relationship. Stress with her the importance of sharing work loads evenly. Remind her that cooperation leads to respect, and with respect love flourishes.

For the record, my ex-wife "served" me with one of these lists over Christmas, and to be frank it was a death knell for our marriage. I read the [email protected] thing and felt that it was somewhere between petty and picky. Often times how you ask is as important as what you ask. Anyway, just some random words from a happily divorced guy. 

P.S. I got both the house and the kids. However, she got to keep the letter.

LIL


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Basically if she neither holds a job or is productive at home, she's just a millstone around your neck.

You may not want to leap to divorce just yet, but you can defintely work through something similar to workplace progressive discipline towards that endpoint if she can't turn it around.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

If his depiction is correct, the heart to heart is going to make him less inclined to continue. 

The list your W gave you - well the funny thing is she already knew you felt she was grossly underperforming with the kids, the house and the bedroom. So HER list to you was simply an attempt to change the conversation from what a bad wife she was to what a bad husband you were. Of course it was your last straw - it was a totally flawed message. 

In his case, he can always start the conversation with - I love you and want this to work, unless you are willing to change I don't see our marriage succeeding. I am not perfect and am willing to talk about what I can do to help us both be happier, but I need to know you are committed to work on this. The status quo is not acceptable to me.






lastinline said:


> I love your advice MEM11363, but I'd personally be a little wary of starting off with an ultimatum. When trying to kill a fly, it is wiser to begin with a fly-swatter than a bazooka. Why both are surely effective, the latter inflicts a lot more collateral damage.
> 
> First, I would recommend a simple heart to heart. Share with her the grief that her actions are causing you and the resentment it brings into your relationship. Stress with her the importance of sharing work loads evenly. Remind her that cooperation leads to respect, and with respect love flourishes.
> 
> ...


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Some people really don't grow up--but you do not see that until life gets challenging-as in, adding a child to the mix. Then their inability to grow and change, to accept responsibility, and to roll with the punches really starts to show. It's sad and hard and frustrating--I put up with it for a long, long time. I tried to get my ex to get therapy, to learn to respond differently when what he was doing didn't work, but he would not. For example, he would try to "jolly" a crying baby into cheerfulness, and if it didn't work, he'd just give up and let the child cry (when food/diaper weren't the issues). It shifted the burden to me, of course, always, always. Very exhausting when you both work fulltime. 

The downside of divorce is, you won't be there to help if your wife deals poorly with your child. Keep that thought in mind. 

I don't have any real advice, just these reflections/experiences to share. If you can get her into counseling, maybe at least her parenting can improve so that if you do divorce, you know your son will have a better mom. Worth a try. Good luck.


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## ADM (Apr 12, 2010)

Your relationship ending with your wife is only one side of the story. That can be simple, and as you state, it could have been done earlier. Eventually the problem lies in the fact you have few confidence in her parenting capabilities...well, my question is: can you find a better mother to your son than his own mother? Is disorder her only problem? Have you ever though she probalbly is overwhelmed with sth you can improve so everything gets better of and everyone gets better off? counseling when you see no benefit from this relationship is of no good use at his stage....I think.


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