# Cooling off after/during argument



## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

My husband and I are very different when it comes to arguing. I'm one to try to find a resolution as soon as possible (not always successfully!), my husband is one to put things on hold and be by himself. 

I understand his need to cool off even though I don't find that helpful personally. Actually, during these time outs my feelings seem to intensify and I feel more hurt than before. 

Since I don't know what it's like to need this, what is an acceptable amount of time to cool off? I'm sure it can vary person to person. After a few hours, or overnight I start to wonder how long things are going to be put on hold and it starts to hurt. I guess I'm wanting to know if this is unreasonable and if I can't put an expectation on it? 

I think it partially doesn't help that my husband will act like I'm not there. For the duration of his "break" he'll go about doing his normal routine and seems to pretend I'm not around. He'll make dinner and eat right in front of me, leave the house, laugh at the tv, and not say a word to me. Is this normal? 

I feel like these time outs are sort of treating me like until he decides, me and my feelings don't exist. But I don't know where his need for time alone ends and my need to be heard begins and is it all up to him?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

my H has these "time-outs" too. i call it the silent treatment. it used to really, really drive me nuts. like you said, my emotions would intensify. 

I printed off an article from some prestigious university about the effects of giving someone the silent treatment and had him read it. My counselor also told him its a form of emotional abuse. 

but i also had to learn to contain my anger and give him space when he needs it. sometimes, not as often, he will take a "time-out." but we communicate a lot more now so even if i think he's giving me the silent treatment i dont flip out. he actually did it to me the other night. i think i wrote about it on here. he got angry, blew up at me, left, came home and played on the computer and then went to bed. i used to really flip out but now its kind of like, whatever dude. 

Its hard to say whats a legitimate period of time for someone to not talk to you. i think it involves a lot mroe then that. it involves understanding why they arent talking to you and having your feelings validated by them. It also involves taking care of your own emotional needs if your H wants to be an a**.

But if i had to put a time on it, for my own situation, i would say within a couple hours. and if its a fight at night, then by the evening the next day.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

My hubby and I often fight in the evening, and it would get so emotional that I cry, and he continues to be analytical and craft all these psychological tricks and I hate it. I feel I am always arguing with an orator and not a loving caring person. I tend to call the time out and say we need to sleep on it and give me time to dry my tears. We often never resolve the argument. The next morning, he will apologize for making me feel bad, but I still carry the hurt for days. Sometimes, it is better to end an argument before it escalates to anger or tears.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

I just started reading Mars/Venus. The author calls it 'going into his cave'. He can explain it better than I can.

But many times it isn't a deliberate silent treatment. A guy want to figure things out for himself. So he withdraws and thinks about it. 

I do this. When it happens, it is because I want to get my mind around the problem. Turn it over, poke at it, and figure it out. After a while (it could be a few hours, it could be a few days), I'm ready to talk about it again from a different angle. Of course, by that time, my wife is royally ticked off by my silence, and now there's a NEW problem to withdraw and think about! It's not a good cycle to get into.

But my point is he is doing more than 'cooling off', or ignoring you. In his mind, he is hard at work trying to 'fix the problem' that the argument was about in the first place.

I'm starting to become a fan of Mars/Venus. Right now there seems to be a good bit of truth in what he says.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

DownButNotOut said:


> I just started reading Mars/Venus. The author calls it 'going into his cave'. He can explain it better than I can.
> 
> But many times it isn't a deliberate silent treatment. A guy want to figure things out for himself. So he withdraws and thinks about it.
> 
> ...


This is what I assumed he would be doing, trying to figure things out. That just doesn't seem to be what he is doing. 

Often times, he will never bring the subject back up again. Then when I do, he gets upset or angry that I'm not just over it and withdraws again. Or if we do start to discuss again, and I'm getting to the root of the issue he will call time out again. It's very frustrating, I feel like I'm having to start over and over and never really being heard. 

After he's remerged I will ask him if he's figured anything out or if he thought of something that might help the situation. A common answer is "What? I don't know." or "I don't have anything to say." 

By his own admission, his time outs are when he can't "deal with the situation" and is distracting himself with other things.


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## marriagehelp12 (Apr 8, 2009)

while I do not agree situations should not be swepped under the carpet I also kow for me I also can get frustated if my spouse says something to me a certain way that makes me feel like I am stupid or not as smart as her. I suggest maybe saying things differently from time to time whne things come up. I know this has helped me a bit. Everyone comprehends what othe rpeople say a little differently than the person next to them. Try it, see if it works, it's a start...


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## henry1 (May 5, 2009)

It was with great relief that I read your post. I have exactly the same problem with my husband. I find that once an argument has reached a certain stage I become really keen to resolve things and for the situation to calm down - at the very least I want it to stop and for us to make up. My husband goes either one of two ways - he either blows his top completely, or he just walks away. In both situations it tends to mean he will withdraw completely from me - often telling me to 'leave him alone'. When I ask when we can talk again, he gives me no answers, no reassurance.

This tends to last in general for about 2 days. Like you say, he will go about his normal routine, but act as though I am not in the house (this is very difficult as we live in a small home, and I feel like I have to hide from him). It becomes totally demoralising for me, and does nothing but heighten any sense of anger or upset I have. When he does approach me, usually 48 hours later, he has obviously cooled down and acts like nothing is wrong. By that stage I have usually become frosty towards him. It is a very depressing cycle.

I can't really offer you any great words of wisdom, other than to reassure you that there are probably a great many people in this situation. I have learnt over the years to become less sensitive to him doing this. In previous times I would follow him around the house like a little mouse, pleading with him to talk (I know, how tragic). But as my confidence has grown, I have started to take the attitude 'Sod you', and if he chooses to do this, then I also go into my own little retreat. I like to read a lot, and will often do so in the back bedroom. I also now sleep in our spare bed. This really hacks him off, but if he isn't going to even acknowledge I'm in the same house as him, then I'm not sleeping in the same bed as him - I would rather cosy up with the cat.
Be strong and look after yourself. There is an element of selfishness in him over this, but also part of it is probably who is. I have learnt with time to worry less about him and what he's thinking, and learn to look after myself a bit more.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

I'm trying to be open minded about his need for time but it is truly difficult! 

I feel like he has a monopoly on the time aspect of when we argue. He gets to call time out as many times as he wants and gets to decide when and if we discuss it again. I don't seem to get to decide how much attention my needs are given, that they have to cater to his. 

What's especially frustrating are "hit and runs", when he'll pick a fight, make me feel horrible, and then refuse to talk about it, that cycle can repeat itself over and over. And overnight. I can't sleep when we're arguing (he knows this). 

I know I'm harping on about it a lot (or I feel like I am) but I can't find the way to suppress my feelings enough to be okay while he's having his time. At least, not without suppressing some affection I have for him in the process. I don't want that to happen. But sometimes his time outs feel like torture. I know I am sensitive, maybe more than most, but disharmony really upsets me and I just want it gone and over with. Maybe it's not affecting him as much, it must not be, because I can't imagine why someone would want to prolong fighting and bad feelings. 

I guess that's my issue though. *sigh*


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