# How Do You Keep From Becoming Your Parents?



## ocotillo

My parents are in their 80's. I was with them this weekend and the amount of mild bickering was virtually nonstop. No one is really mad at the other. She tries to supervise his driving. (Because he was involved in an accident 60+ years ago when they were dating.) He forgets where he's put things and thinks she's moved them. (Because she did it once 30 years ago.) One of them does something against the advice of the other and it doesn't work out so well. And then they can't let it drop. On and on and on.

This would be almost comical except that I can see my wife and I slowly drifting into the same pattern of behavior. She can see it too. We look at each and say, "This is scary." But it's so slow and gradual that we don't usually even notice it.

Is this something that's inevitable? How do you keep from becoming your parents?


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## Lyris

I don't know, my parents have been married 40+ years, they adore each other and have lots of fun together. I'm all for becoming my parents. And since I basically married my dad, I've got a pretty good chance.


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## jld

Open communication? Sharing vulnerabilities? Being willing to apologize first?


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## aug

It's possible the bickering is their way to stimulate each other and give meaning to their current lives.


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## ocotillo

Lyris said:


> I don't know, my parents have been married 40+ years, they adore each other and have lots of fun together. I'm all for becoming my parents. And since I basically married my dad, I've got a pretty good chance.


Point taken, Lyris. There's lots of things about my parents and their marriage that I do admire. They've never been able to keep their hands off each other and still can't. 

I guess the question should have been, "How to you keep from bickering like old farts after you've become old farts?"


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## heartsbeating

I think it's sweet they've been together 60+ years. Maybe there's a method to their madness that's not to be feared?

My parent's marriage was nothing like ours. They were unhappy, completely incompatible, and have divorced. I saw the way my grandparents were though and they were adorable together. 

While I've learned some things through observing, the journey of my husband and I is ours - not a comparison to that of my parents or my grandparents.


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## heartsbeating

ocotillo said:


> Point taken, Lyris. There's lots of things about my parents and their marriage that I do admire. They've never been able to keep their hands off each other and still can't.
> 
> I guess the question should have been, "How to you keep from bickering like old farts after you've become old farts?"


Communicate healthily now so that unresolved stuff doesn't become a bicker later? Maybe the bickering isn't an issue for them though.


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## Lyris

I used to watch my grandparents do that. Tbh I think it's maybe not an issue. They were married 65 years and really, probably after that length of time you do get a bit irritable with each other. 

And maybe after that long together you know you can snap freely without it being a big issue. Quite freeing in a way.


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## richardsharpe

Good afternoon all
Keeping from becoming my parents: Avoiding alcohol and gambling is a good start

My wife and I already have done quite a bit better by marrying someone we actually like.....


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## meson

My parents bicker as well. My dad is in his low 80s, my mom is in the upper 70s and next week they will have been married for 54 years. Their bickering is not healthy and they use it to take jabs at each other. Nobody likes it and I see it as a symptom of a larger communication problem. My personal opinion is that they have resigned to live out their lives like this.

Some years ago when they were visiting our home I noticed this and saw that my wife and I had started doing the same thing. After thinking about it I watched my parents and realized that nearly everything that each of them said was taken by the other with an assumed context wether it was intended or not. They same was true with us. A simple reminder to do or not do something became interpreted as an accusation of the inability of the other to remember so that they required management.

What I did to break this was to assume the best intentions by my wife. Instead of assuming the context I would question her as to what she wanted. Did you mean A or B? If A then X if B then Y. It took awhile but finally she realized that I was no longer accusatory but trying to remove the ambiguity from her statements. She realized that I was really trying to communicate. She started it as well and our communication improved.

A common problem for older people is that they remember the same event differently. This happens to my wife an I all the time. We have developed a technique of remembering specific details surrounding the event. As we both bring up facts or remembrances we usually jog our memories or deduce what really must have happened. We accept that we are flawed and help each other out and remember.

My parents, her parents and siblings just can't get past this and will start huge fights over insignificant things because it is ultimately taken as an attack on their recollection which of course can't be wrong because they "see" it and know it to be true. 

Another thing my parents bicker about is that there can only be a single correct way to drive anywhere. If you don't go the correct way then you are wrong and clueless. My wife and I suffered from this from our parents so we completely let the driver decide which route they prefer without judgement. Sometimes we take a wrong turn and sometimes we are just going a different way. So we say did you mean to turn there or are you trying a new way? 

So now our communication patern is established to determine each others meaning and to help each other out. We no longer feel we are being belittled. Give this a try...


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## SimplyAmorous

Meson ...that was a well thought out answer... I think for all of this ...it's a communication dynamic.. a lack of self awareness where a couple gets caught in only seeing their own side ..not contemplating, for the sake of understanding, how the other feels.. so we can then find and communicate a better peace/ comradeship , even laughing about our differences along the way....

I don't think many people ask these questions.. so they just live & habitually remain with the "jabbing" going back & forth... it's all they know... Better to learn these things when we're young.. and correct them.. I don't think it's an age thing, so much as a habitual spousal dynamic that they have allowed to be.


I'd say...me & husband kinda did things our own way.. I didn't even Like my step Mother when I moved in with my H's family at 18 yrs old.... But out of all the examples around us..... we are most like My step Mom & Father ..

As far as *his parents* (His dad passed on now)...they stayed together but I always had a sense they weren't that close... he was always out with the guys, race tracks, playing GIN....she was a Homemaker, into the kids.... biggest contention.. her JUNK.. they had spats over this their entire marriage...affection, you didn't see too much between them ...even though they were both really good people...kind to all. 

As others spoke here.. they'd take little *jabs* at each other, and I'd see him rolling his eyes  or her  ....they didn't outright fight...so their was some stuffing going on -to keep the peace...He had his outlets.. she had hers I guess...but they stayed together till the end...

*My Parents* were a train wreck & divorced when I was 9.... they had virtually nothing in common ...and had volatile fights ...

Then there is my *Dad & Step Mom*.. They are still each others best friend.. still passionate after 37 yrs.. they do most everything together, they enjoy many of the same things...like to travel, tell us of their adventures... it's always a Joy to be around them..a lot of laughs.. they also can laugh at each other's quirks, great story tellers........I don't think we've ever felt a tension or something off between them.


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## ocotillo

I think for my parents, part of it is a loss of control in their lives as they've aged. She's always been a shaky driver and now her eyesight is failing. You would think this would make her less inclined to back-seat drive, but it actually has the opposite effect. 

He's always had a tendency to misplace things and it's not getting any better. If things are lost because she's moved them rather then him forgetting where he put them, then it's not so much a constant reminder of his failing memory.


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## meson

SimplyAmorous said:


> Meson ...that was a well thought out answer... I think for all of this ...it's a communication dynamic.. a lack of self awareness where a couple gets caught in only seeing their own side ..not contemplating, for the sake of understanding, how the other feels.. so we can then find and communicate a better peace/ comradeship , even laughing about our differences along the way....
> 
> I don't think many people ask these questions.. so they just live & habitually remain with the "jabbing" going back & forth... it's all they know... Better to learn these things when we're young.. and correct them.. I don't think it's an age thing, so much as a habitual spousal dynamic that they have allowed to be.



Thanks SA! I think that Ocotillo has made a significant observation and is trying to act on it. It is often easier for us to see the dynamics of others. But we are often mirrors of others and we can use that to improve ourselves and our marriages. Kudos to Ocotillo for recognizing this. 

For my marriage this is the first of several things that got it back on track and restored respect and a sense of trust to our marriage. If I had fallen into my EA before this it probably would have escalated and we would be divorced today. So I *have* thought about this a lot and I think that the highest form of respect that you can show your spouse is to put a hold on your reaction and try to understand exactly what their point of view is. 

It took a long time to establish this new way of communicating for us but it as served us well. In fact we recently got back from a three week trip where we drove halfway across the country and then backpacked together sharing a tent and other necessities for 12 days. We did this with a Venture crew with our sons. I think that there were doubts by some that we could go the entire trip without bickering.


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## meson

ocotillo said:


> I think for my parents, part of it is a loss of control in their lives as they've aged. She's always been a shaky driver and now her eyesight is failing. You would think this would make her less inclined to back-seat drive, but it actually has the opposite effect.
> 
> He's always had a tendency to misplace things and it's not getting any better. If things are lost because she's moved them rather then him forgetting where he put them, then it's not so much a constant reminder of his failing memory.


You are right the loss of control with is significant. Also with my parents they each see the others aging issues but don't realize they have them just the same. Each of my parents confides with me about the others failings and aging. My MIL was the worst back seat driver ever. She got her license but never drove ever. However because she was so afraid of traffic she would require specific routes to avoid left turns etc. My FIL just acquiesced to it and complained whereas I said that's not the way I want to go and drove where I wanted. With my FIL resentment on this built until the last days of his life. I can't imagine living with that resentment for the rest of my life.


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## Faeleaf

If you don't want to emulate your parents, I think it would be helpful to keep in mind that your first impulse is wrong. At least for awhile, until you learn better responses, your instincts, your triggers, your go-to defense mechanisms, the way you deal with fears and insecurities, the way you want to resolve conflicts, will lead you in the wrong direction. You'll need to do a lot of stopping, and thinking, before you act. Be willing to do a lot of reading, a lot of re-training your brain in more positive ways.

My sister (whose marriage is circling the drain) remarked to me about this very thing last week. She bemoaned that she is much too much like our step-mom, that she can't seem to "stop herself" from reacting to things exactly as our step-mom would. She knows better, but "knowing" is where it stops for her. She hasn't learned yet to actually check herself. I doubt very much that she will learn in time.

This is just one reason that I find myself grateful for my first husband's cheating, started 6 months (!) into our marriage. That sounds crazy, I know. But while my "ways" might have been different than my sisters, I was also pretty set in them. The first affair woke me up, shook me out of any complacency, and started me on the long journey of discovering how relationships really work, and the very best strategies to handle difficulties in marriage. 

I'm a much better spouse today than I was in my first marriage, and it's great seeing my current spouse start to pick up some of my habits as he observes them in me. I don't believe partnerships like this come easy for most of us. It takes a lot of being willing to question yourself, and change for the better.


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## Faeleaf

meson said:


> I think that the highest form of respect that you can show your spouse is to put a hold on your reaction and try to understand exactly what their point of view is.


If I could name the top three things that I've learned to do and that keep my marriage in sparkling form, this would ABSOLUTELY be one of them.


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## meson

Faeleaf said:


> I'm a much better spouse today than I was in my first marriage, and it's great seeing my current spouse start to pick up some of my habits as he observes them in me. I don't believe partnerships like this come easy for most of us. It takes a lot of being willing to question yourself, and change for the better.


:iagree:

Yes, people will begin to treat you the way you treat them. My wife and I also have picked up each others habits and tastes over the years.


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## ocotillo

meson said:


> I think that Ocotillo has made a significant observation and is trying to act on it. It is often easier for us to see the dynamics of others. But we are often mirrors of others and we can use that to improve ourselves and our marriages.


Thank you, Meson. My wife and I have been married 40+ years and this is something that we both clearly see happening. We'll start a very minor quibble over this or that and then stop and laugh, saying, "Listen to us! We sound like old people." And yet it still happens. 

When we still had children living at home, we had bigger fish to fry then quibbling over the hierarchy of devices in a home theater setup, or why the blender got disassembled and the parts scattered into five separate cabinets in the kitchen. Those things were unimportant. 

It as if all the energy we used to spend parenting is now being directed at each other and not in a good way.


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## commonsenseisn't

Just recognizing the problem is often half the battle. Exercising self discipline and accountability helps me to be a better spouse and it brings out the best in my wife when she sees me making the effort. We have been in a good place for a while now. If I need something from her I humbly ask for it in a manner that makes it clear I respect her free will to say yes or no. That seems to really help.


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## As'laDain

i remember my great grandparents 70th wedding anniversary. 
they both had the same advice for the whole family:
"quit your b!tchin' and laugh every once in a while!"


genius.


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## Max.HeadRoom

You know the old adage? Crazy doesn’t fall from the Tree. You can learn from both the good and bad
I look at my wife’s mother and shutter a bit. The wife see’s my father and brother and must be think restraining order.


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## Plan 9 from OS

ocotillo said:


> Thank you, Meson. My wife and I have been married 40+ years and this is something that we both clearly see happening. We'll start a very minor quibble over this or that and then stop and laugh, saying, "Listen to us! We sound like old people." And yet it still happens.
> 
> When we still had children living at home, we had bigger fish to fry then quibbling over the hierarchy of devices in a home theater setup, or why the blender got disassembled and the parts scattered into five separate cabinets in the kitchen. Those things were unimportant.
> 
> It as if all the energy we used to spend parenting is now being directed at each other and not in a good way.


You have over twice the experience being married that I have. The only thing I can say is to not sweat the small stuff. If you can prevent the little quirks that your spouse has from getting under your skin, then that's great. But another way to look at not sweating the small stuff is to consider how your actions square up to the occasional bickering. It sounds like you two have a solid marriage, but you occasionally bicker about unimportant things. I guess I wouldn't sweat it and laugh at yourselves when you catch yourselves bickering like your parents. If your parents have a great marriage aside from some bickering, it's fine IMHO.


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