# communication help



## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

New to the forum and not sure where to start...

A little background on my relationship: been with my husband for 12yrs (married for 2) he is going to be 30 and I'm 28. We have a 4 yr old.

Addiction problem leads to a communication problem...(wasn't sure if i should post in the addiction section sorry if this is the wrong spot)

We have been having some problems these last 3 years resulting in almost constant arguing. 3 years ago he got a job in TX we are from NY. I still had my job in NY and we needed the money so i would fly back and forth between the 2 states. But when he finally said it was too much and he needed me there with him I quit my job and moved to TX no questions asked. Things were real rough between us we barely talked, and don't get me started on the sex (or lack there of). There was no intimacy at all between us. No touching no kissing and lord forbid I mention it. He always had an excuse he was tired or he thought i was upset (well duh comfort me stupid) so he thought he would let me have "me" time which is what I had all day while he worked 12hr shifts. Oh and throw in the rotating shifts every 30days and there are like 2 months we barely sleep in the same bed. Every time i tried to talk to him about how lonely i was feeling and unwanted he just brushed it off and told me I was over reacting. Then I discovered his porn/masturbation addiction. This was a big blow. He was masturbating almost 4x a day and I was lucky if we were having sex maybe once a week. He told me his sex drive wasn't that great cause of he blood pressure meds which I didn't believe cause of the constant masturbating. I tried talking to him about how this made me feel but again "I was overreacting". The final straw came when he told me he used porn to get it up to have sex with me. After this I didn't want him near me. I felt worthless and so unattractive. Even then he didn't see a problem it wasn't until one day he was watching something on HBO with naked women and he got aroused and wanted sex and i just said take care of it yourself I never want you to touch me again that he realized something wasnt right(not sure what set off the light bulb I'm just glad it did). I told him if he wouldn't give me the intimacy and closeness I needed in a relationship I would have to leave and he could masturbate until his little heart was content. He finally agreed to sit down and talk about this issue. He realized he was looking at me as not satisfying his needs so he was doing it himself but the problem was he never gave me the chance to satisfy him and by satisfying himself he didnt even consider my needs. So this past may HE decided he was going to stop masturbating to try and get our relationship back on track. No porn and no masturbating. Now I was skeptical I told him i didn't expect him to stop completely but when his masturbating is 28x more per week then our sex life there is a problem and I just wanted us to have sex more than he would use self pleasure. He was good for 3 weeks but then had a small set back but he got back on track and hasn't maturbated in months. I told him how happy I am it the progress he has made nd that I am very proud of his effort to kick the addiction. I still have some selfesteem issues from this but I'm trying to over come that now that he has chosen me over his right hand.

Problem now, whenever I mention something that bothers me he verbal attacks me. Tells me im taking things the wrong way and what do I expect him to do. It doesn't even have to be something about him or our relationship, it could be about someone who annoyed me and I make a comment and all of a sudden I'm in the wrong. So i stopped telling him things then he can tell something is wrong so he hounds me until I tell him saying he will just listen so i can vent but that never happens. I always end up feeling like I've been pushed to the ground and kicked . 

Right now I'm back in NY helping with my grandmother who had brain surgery and has to go back in for surgery again. The distance isnt helping our communication problems at all. So how do I go about talking about my feelings without being yelled at? Should we consider some kind of therapy? Does he think I'm just looking for something else to be wrong now that we are getting past the porn/masturbating problem?

I love him very much and he loves me. We both love our daughter and he has always provided for us working whatever crap job he could find to do for his family. Now he has a great job and I don't really have to work allowing me to spend time with our daughter. I want to stay with him and make this work.

Sorry for the long post. Just didn't know where to start with the problem.

Thanks for any advice


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I have a question regarding his addiction: is it just porn? Any abuse of drugs or alcohol involved? I lived in your situation for five agonizing years. When I first discovered my husband's massive porn catlog online, I was floored. I also was too scared to confront it. Problem was, I was also dealing with his alcoholism at the same time.

Fast-forward two years later, and I finally had the guts to tell him I was hurt and felt less-than from all his porn viewing. His response? "Ahhh, what's the big deal? It's only 'eye candy.'" Uh-huh. Right. So much for me having any significance, or hubby having the ability to connect with me.

Men are visual, and they love to look at women, whether clothed, unclothed, or wearing a diaper. I'm fine with that, but if it replaces a couple's sex life, or you are feeling like you can't match up to the 18-year-old nude or semi-nude hotties he's viewing (WHO CAN???), then it's time to take inventory of your marriage.

Now that you are pointing out things that are bothering you with the marriage, your husband is on the attack. Why? Because this is reality. No longer is he in the laa-laa land of fantasy porn. After all, porn princesses don't have cellulite,or PMS, or problems with the kids, do they? Also, they don't have any issues to hash over with him.

You don't deserve to be yelled at. Neither does he (not to imply you are yelling back). A counselor could act as a mediator to cool things down. You can also set a boundary. Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. He starts getting ticked and raising his voice? Walk away, and tell him you are willing to discuss issues when both of you are calm.

If he refuses to respect your boundary, then get into some serious counseling for both of you so you guys can learn to express your problems with one another without a war breaking out.

I hope and pray your grandmother is going to be okay. What a difficult situation, in addition to our marital problems. Please take this time to address your grandmother's physical challenges. Wait until you get home to tackle the marriage. Sending good thoughts your way.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Thank you prodigal for replying. It's just porn not alcohol or drugs. 

I know it's human nature to look at other people and find them attractive so I'm not asking him to stop any of that just respect me enough not to do it in my presence. At one point he told me some of his coworkers were attractive. He of course didn't see a problem with this. I explained why i was upset when he told me that. We weren't being intimate and he goes and tells me women he spends ll day with are attractive???? Oh and for valentines day he got me a vibrator. He wouldn't have sex with me but I guess since he was taking care of his needs i should do myself(which by the way doesn't really do anything for me and he knows I don't really like that, I prefer him) 

The porn wasn't a big deal until it took over any intimacy we had was scared to confront my husband as well with the porn thing. I kept thinking I know he has always looked at porn so maybe I'm just crazy and thinking it's not a that bad. But it was bad. Telling me he had to use porn to get an erection in order to have sex literally crushed me inside. 

It does make sense that now that he doesn't have porn as his release taking him to fantasy land he has to deal with our very real problems

I told him I was too stressed to be dealing with this on the phone all the time and helping my grandmother at the same time. Emotionally and physically im drained.

I have been with him since I was 16 and he is the only man I have had a sexually relationship with. So sometimes I wonder if i make too big a deal out of the sex issues.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

square1 said:


> Problem now, whenever I mention something that bothers me he verbal attacks me. Tells me im taking things the wrong way and what do I expect him to do. It doesn't even have to be something about him or our relationship, it could be about someone who annoyed me and I make a comment and all of a sudden I'm in the wrong. So i stopped telling him things then he can tell something is wrong so he hounds me until I tell him saying he will just listen so i can vent but that never happens. I always end up feeling like I've been pushed to the ground and kicked .


I think there's a few things going on. The biggest thing is that he probably feels like crap and is struggling emotionally, so any negativity he feels from you, anything at all, it's like the straw that broke his back. He obviously wants to be there for you because he's getting defensive, which means he isnt able to be there for you right now so he feels guilty. That guilty feeling is what makes him lash out. My H also had a porn/masturbation problem and I quickly learned that it is a very emotional thing for him. It is not just a physical release. They are very sensitive emotionally. 

Another thing, do you complain a lot? Maybe the negativity would get on anyone's nerves? Not saying you do, but it's something to consider. I used to complain a lot (I was pretty miserable myself). It got on my H's nerves. 

Last thing. My H used to get very defensive and argumentative when I brought up how i felt about his past behavior. When he stopped watching porn he became emotionally available, and I saw that as an opportunity to tell him how i felt. He thought I was taking advantage of his newly vulnerable state to put him down and make him feel guilty. I was pretty angry so I'm sure that anger came through. So he just felt attacked and wanted to leave it in the past and forget about it. I soon learned to start everything with "I am not saying this to make you feel guilty, put you down, or discredit what you are doing now, but..." 

And I also learned to say, "I have something important I need to talk to you about. It's about how I feel about things in the past. I need you to respond by xyz so I know you care. Can you do that?" I had to be very clear about the response I needed, but I also gave him the choice to say he wasnt in the mood to hear it right then. It's really important to give him the option to say he cant listen or respond to you. Put a time limit on the conversation, say 5 mins. He will be much more receptive if he doesnt feel ambushed out of the blue and knows there is an end in sight.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Blanca said:


> I think there's a few things going on. The biggest thing is that he probably feels like crap and is struggling emotionally, so any negativity he feels from you, anything at all, it's like the straw that broke his back. He obviously wants to be there for you because he's getting defensive, which means he isnt able to be there for you right now so he feels guilty. That guilty feeling is what makes him lash out. My H also had a porn/masturbation problem and I quickly learned that it is a very emotional thing for him. It is not just a physical release. They are very sensitive emotionally.
> 
> Another thing, do you complain a lot? Maybe the negativity would get on anyone's nerves? Not saying you do, but it's something to consider. I used to complain a lot (I was pretty miserable myself). It got on my H's nerves.
> 
> ...


All of that makes sense. This is very emotional for him cause he is dealing with not doing his normal routine and with me not being there it is probably harder for him and not giving in to the addiction.

I do complain but not a alot, actually that's his thing. He's been complaining since 1999. Whenever i want to bring up something I'm feeling I usually say if he doesn't feel like talking now or whatever we can later in case he might of had a bad day at work. But to him I might look like i complain more cause im always the one to bring up stuff. He never brings up anything regarding our relationship. So when I finally do, which can take some time cause i get scared to say anything, he says yes I agree and feel that way too (this has to do with our communication problem) so i tell him then why do you never say anything to me. I only got an answer one time, he said he feels kinda less manly for bringing up relationship stuff. Apparently that's girly? He wasn't always like this to be honest i do believe his current friends/coworkers (the males who all cheat on their wives and think it's ok literally they think cause they make the money they have the right to sleep with whoever and my husband has told me they try to hook him up and the women he works with it is well known they have no problems sleeping with married men) have changed his behavior. He wasn't like this prior to the move and job in TX.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

square1 said:


> He never brings up anything regarding our relationship. So when I finally do, which can take some time cause i get scared to say anything, he says yes I agree and feel that way too (this has to do with our communication problem) so i tell him then why do you never say anything to me. I only got an answer one time, he said he feels kinda less manly for bringing up relationship stuff. Apparently that's girly? He wasn't always like this to be honest i do believe his current friends/coworkers (the males who all cheat of their wives and think it's ok literally they think cause they make the money they have the right to sleep with whoever and my husband has told me they try to hook him up) have changed his behavior. He wasn't like this prior to the move and job in TX.


Ironically my H and I moved to TX, too and that's when the sh*t hit the fan for us. I gave up my job and life to be with him and he was basically an a**. I'm not completely over all of that. but i was only with him a few months before i moved with him (so stupid, i know).

But anyway...I used to always be the one bringing up issues in the relationship. Always. He is content to watch movies, play video games, or whatever (he's watching tv right now). If it's not the porn it was something else. So I stopped. I was tired of forcing him to be with me physically and emotionally. I never brought anything up anymore. I went to counseling, worked on my fiery resentment, temper, and low self-esteem. I was so angry. We didn't talk about us for over a year and then a few months ago on the couch he looked at me and said, "I feel like we haven't really talked in awhile." I almost started laughing. Seriously?!? a year later. I was NOT holding out for him to come around, I was actually just trying to get myself in order before leaving him.

Although things have dramatically improved for us, this is still an aspect of our relationship that I struggle with. We have a boundary book that I bought (three years ago) and we still havent gotten through the whole thing because we only do it when he suggests it. It probably boils down to love languages, though. He loves to cuddle and touch and I NEVER touch him anymore so maybe he feels i'm the one withdrawing. who knows. My H is more difficult to figure out then any women I've ever met. He wont talk about how he feels, he'll just meet his needs some other way and never think another thing about it.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Blanca said:


> Ironically my H and I moved to TX, too and that's when the sh*t hit the fan for us. I gave up my job and life to be with him and he was basically an a**. I'm not completely over all of that. but i was only with him a few months before i moved with him (so stupid, i know).


So TX is the relationship death state? I pushed him to take the job in TX so part of me feels like this whole mess is my fault.at one point he just flat out said what did I expect to happen leaving him alone so long? My response to that wasn't so great considering we discussed me staying in ny working and at any point i would move there (which I did when he said he needed me there, but that was like a joke what I was supposed to be there to watch him masturbate and then ignore me?)

It is extremely difficult to say anything to him.I told him today I just wasn't putting myself in the position to be yelled at during every conversation. So unless he finds something to be a problem I don't think I'm going to say anything for a while.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

square1 said:


> So TX is the relationship death state? I pushed him to take the job in TX so part of me feels like this whole mess is my fault.at one point he just flat out said what did I expect to happen leaving him alone so long? My response to that wasn't so great considering we discussed me staying in ny working and at any point i would move there (which I did when he said he needed me there, but that was like a joke what I was supposed to be there to watch him masturbate and then ignore me?)


I was excited for my H to take the job, too. I thought we would have a new, fun, easy-going life. It only took me two years to realize what was going on. i thought it was my fault that i was alone and miserable because maybe i was just using him because i wanted an easy life. I still hated him nonetheless and thought it was all his fault. so conflicting. 

I got in a nasty fight with my H one night where he was telling me he didnt want me to leave and I was practically screaming at him, "What the h*ll do you want me here for???" I told him I wasnt just a teddy bear he could put on the shelf and cuddle whenever he was sad. that's pretty much what I think he wanted me for.

My H was extremely difficult to talk, too. I always believed the stereotype that guys were simple and just wanted sex. nothing could be further from the truth. as soon as i vanquished that stereotype and realized he was extremely emotional and sensitive i started being able to relate to him more productively. Plus i was getting over my anger and resentment and that helped. I never talk to him when I'm angry now. He cant handle it (and maybe i'm more explosive then i realize). sometimes i will go months without bringing up an issue because i can't talk about it without getting angry. 

I've been working on getting my H to vocalize when he's angry with me. He will never tell me. He just lets it build up until he explodes (or watches porn). He's getting better at it and I actually have to work on not laughing at him when he finally does get angry. i grew up in very violate family so no amount of anger gets to me. my H does the silent treatment which got us into some of our biggest fights.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

I also can't talk to him when I'm angry it helps nothing. One time we got into a huge fight i just couldnt take the "what are you talking about?/its not a big deal" comments anymore and he actually let me pack my bag and drive a way. I was more hurt by that than the stupid fight. That is one thing I never let him do was walk out. I always said fine be mad but do it in another room cause I don't want you leaving the house mad. And he just let me leave. Of course I had no where to go I was in TX no friends or family for 1800 miles so i just drove around. He called me and asked where I was and wanted me to come back. Eventually I did but I was prepared to sleep in the other room. 

I'm flying down to see him after my grandmothers next surgery in a month and I just have this feeling things are going to be odd and awkward. Like I have to tip toe around him.


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