# introducing new partners to young children



## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

Hello,

after a separation, when going through or after divorce, what are the factors involved in deciding when to introduce children to new partners?

I have only been separated for 4 months, I am not considering this at all right now, but my stbx wife says we should wait until our son is 12 (he's only 7). I don't think she is ever going to agree to him meeting new partners and it has become apparent that I will have to make this decision for myself. My worry about making this decision for myself and upsetting her, is that she will retaliate. We have been extremely good up until now, agreeing together what is best for our son.

I proposed that we just wait until we feel we are in strong long term relationships, and she rejected this immediately and said he needs to be 12 or older.

Is her request reasonable? My son has taken the separation extremely well (in fact his behavior has improved considerably). He lives with me 90% of the time and seems to have a good understanding of the fact I won't be with his mum anymore. I really don't think it'd be a major issue for him to meet a girl I introduced as my friend.

Am I totally off the mark here? What should I be considering when making this decision?

Many thanks


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## Gilgamesh (Dec 15, 2010)

I personally have had my wife move another guy into my daughters life pretty much 1 month after our split, my daughter is 3 and a half and i know its affecting her, she talks about him when she comes to my house, but she does call him by his name...so far...
anyways, i think the best time is when you are ready to do it...alot of books/ sites say 6 months or so after a split....i really think it should just be slowly introducing him...if you meet someone, try not to be all affectionate with her while he is around i guess? just introduce her as a friend for the start of it.
If he seems uncomfortable with seeing this new woman, talk to him about it...your st bx wife really doesn't have much say in the matter unless you want her to...(believe me Ive looked into it legally as well) she cannot do anything about it unless your son is in danger....
At the end of the day, it is your life and your decisions, as long as those decisions do not hurt your son, then it shouldn't matter, keep communication with your son open....


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It can be put into a divorce decree that you can't have overnight guests or things of that nature, but she really doesn't have much of a say in when you introduce your son to a new woman in your life. 

I didn't introduce my sons to any guy I dated until I met my current boyfriend. They met him 3 weeks into our relationship, because both my boyfriend and I agreed that we were serious and in it for the long haul. My general rule before that was that we had to be dating for at least 6 months and very serious. I did have a boyfriend, though, that we reached the 6 month mark and I still didn't want him to meet my kids. 

It's all about comfort, not time. If you feel that it's appropriate to introduce your new lady friend, then do so. Do it slowly, but be honest. Whether it's after a month or a year, it's when you feel it's a relationship that is serious enough to inform your son, and when you feel your son is ready to be able to handle it.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

When you believe the relationship is likely to be long-term AND you know enough about the other person to trust them in your children's life, then it should be ok. That's why books recommend that you date someone at least 6 months before introducing them to your kids. It takes at least that long to see the person in more than a "just dating" mode and to start to learn about their character--do they take moral "short cuts" for their own convenience? Do they give back money a cashier over pays them or do they just laugh and keep it? Do they call in sick when they really just don't feel like going to work? Look at the little things when assessing this person not as a partner but as someone who will have significant influence in your CHILD'S LIFE if the relationship continues. 

Save "overnights" with your partner for nights your son is not with you. 

Does your wife give any reason for picking the age 12? It just seems odd that she's fixated on that. If she was asking for at least a year or two, so he can adjust to life with divorced parents, it would make some sense. I'm using my first two years as a single mom to focus on helping my kids make this transition and I may date occasionally, but I'm not interested in complicating their life at the moment and, besides, I really like myself and my time with them 

My ex made the mistake of rushing into a new relationship, moving in w/her after about 2 weeks, and started taking the kids there too despite the fact that it violated our divorce agreement. He got engaged after a month, and he and the woman encouraged the kids--her 1 and my 2--to see each other as step-siblings. The kids became very close, so when the relationship fell apart, my kids were hurt and sad about losing their "step-brother" and were angry at their dad for getting them attached and then pulling the plug (my 12 year old son said that, and I didn't prompt him or put any words in his mouth!)

Anyway, since you aren't in any rush, don't argue about it. You can let her know that you'll be thinking about it and you will get advice about what seems best for your son. What do you think she would do to retaliate? Just don't agree to it in writing, or *seem* to agree to avoid some conflict--agree to think about it. You would be thinking about it anyway, if you do start seeing someone, so you aren't compromising by agreeing on that!


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