# So many questions



## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

I have so many questions…. I found videos my husband and his “friend” made to each other a few weeks ago, was immediately asked for a divorce. Emotionally he has been erratic. Tonight I was at my house grabbing some things. When I came out of the bathroom , I was immediately asked if I stole money out of his wallet. Then I am a ****, basket case, and dead to him. 

I guess my question is what causes all of this anger? Out of no where. We’ve been fairly amicable for the most part as we start divorce proceedings. But it’s up down an up and down again with him


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I bet reality is starting to hit home for him, and him lashing out is being done out of his own guilt.
YOU are divorcing him and didn't let him have his extramarital fun -- so YOU are the bad guy here.

Just ignore his crap. Keep to your plan.


----------



## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> I bet reality is starting to hit home for him, and him lashing out is being done out of his own guilt.
> YOU are divorcing him and didn't let him have his extramarital fun -- so YOU are the bad guy here.
> 
> Just ignore his crap. Keep to your plan.


Yep! Keeping to plan for sure. There is just so much hatred for me. I’m not perfect, but I did try my hardest to be the best wife. It was important to me, and I know it can be tough sometimes. Part of it I think is he though divorce was just signing a paper then being friends- because he told me that. But we have to sell our home, all of our equipment ect and I think he is just realizing that. Just don’t know why it’s directed at me. He asked for the divorce. I just obliged him.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Ldziesinski said:


> Yep! Keeping to plan for sure. There is just so much hatred for me. I’m not perfect, but I did try my hardest to be the best wife. It was important to me, and I know it can be tough sometimes. Part of it I think is he though divorce was just signing a paper then being friends- because he told me that. But we have to sell our home, all of our equipment ect and I think he is just realizing that. Just don’t know why it’s directed at me. He asked for the divorce. I just obliged him.


He thought he was entitled and you disabused him of this notion.


----------



## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> He thought he was entitled and you disabused him of this notion.


Yeah, he did tell me I was not his equal, I’m a ****, and I’m now dead to him 🤷🏻‍♀️


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ldziesinski said:


> Yep! Keeping to plan for sure. There is just so much hatred for me. I’m not perfect, but I did try my hardest to be the best wife. It was important to me, and I know it can be tough sometimes. Part of it I think is he though divorce was just signing a paper then being friends- because he told me that. But we have to sell our home, all of our equipment ect and I think he is just realizing that. Just don’t know why it’s directed at me. He asked for the divorce. I just obliged him.


He wanted you to be happy for him, let him continue his fantasy and the life he lived before. I hope reality hits him like a tonne of bricks, he deserves it!


----------



## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Ldziesinski said:


> Yeah, he did tell me I was not his equal, I’m a ****, and I’m now dead to him 🤷🏻‍♀️


Please remain calm and dispassionate toward him even if you don’t feel that way. Never engage in these pointless tantrums. Look up the 180 and implement it. 

As for the why? It’s much easier for a person to be angry at someone besides themselves. Give the man a break, he’s just found out he sucks at keeping secrets, the grass is not greener on this side of the hill, and he is coming to terms with the fact he is a despicable ass. Poor baby is having a moment.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Ldziesinski said:


> Yeah, he did tell me I was not his equal, I’m a c**t, and I’m now dead to him 🤷🏻‍♀️


You may also want to keep a VAR on you when you have to interact with him.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I would advise you not to be alone with him again. If you need to get your things from the house bring a friend with you. He may be spiralling and he could easily get physical. 
Don’t under any circumstances tell yourself that he would never do that, he seems to have a hatred for you and all bets are off.


----------



## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> I would advise you not to be alone with him again. If you need to get your things from the house bring a friend with you. He may be spiralling and he could easily get physical.
> Don’t under any circumstances tell yourself that he would never do that, he seems to have a hatred for you and all bets are off.


That’s the worst part, I honestly don’t know where the hatred is coming from


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Ldziesinski said:


> That’s the worst part, I honestly don’t know where the hatred is coming from


It's coming from his sense of entitlement. He thought he could keep you are home as the domestic servant and he could find girlfriends to have fun with.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ldziesinski said:


> That’s the worst part, I honestly don’t know where the hatred is coming from


Some cheaters have to conjure up disdain for their BS to justify their affair. 

He may be generating the hatred for you to justify his feelings for the OW and for seeking divorce with you. 

I agree with the others - keep on truck’n and put him in your rear view mirror as efficiently as you can. 

I also agree to not be alone with him. Only have contact through your attorneys. 

If you do have to encounter him directly for whatever reason, keep a VAR on you and beware that this erratic behavior could turn ugly or even dangerous. 

He is NOT the same person you married.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Ldziesinski said:


> That’s the worst part, I honestly don’t know where the hatred is coming from


It is just the way he is coping with being an a-hole. Deep down somewhere he probably knows he is garbage, so he needs to cover that up by making you out to be the bad guy in his heads. Don't let it get to you, but also remember how he is acting now if/when he tried to play nice in the future. You know how he really feels.


----------



## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

He's just upset it all caught up to him. How dare you hold him accountable? Hey, he was only having sex with her, or some such thing. 

He has to vent somewhere and blame shift that his life as he knew it is over. He ended your life as you knew it. Be strong and keep going. The real him is coming out now. 

Minimize your meet ups with him. He's going off the reservation. It'll probably get much worse when the reality of D is in front of him. By then he'll want to drop you so you just go away and he's scott free. 

Listen to your attorney who, unlike your cheatin' lyin' abusive H, represents your best interest.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jonty30 said:


> It's coming from his sense of entitlement. He thought he could keep you are home as the domestic servant and he could find girlfriends to have fun with.


And projection. He knows he should hate himself, can't do that, so instead he externalises his internal hate and aims it at the innocent party.


----------



## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It is just the way he is coping with being an a-hole. Deep down somewhere he probably knows he is garbage, so he needs to cover that up by making you out to be the bad guy in his heads. Don't let it get to you, but also remember how he is acting now if/when he tried to play nice in the future. You know how he really feels.


Yeah. Deep down I know that. Just amazing how bad 4 words can’t hurt so bad lol “ your dead to me”


----------



## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> And projection. He knows he should hate himself, can't do that, so instead he externalises his internal hate and aims it at the innocent party.


I guess I don’t understand how someone can’t hate themselves. If I ever hurt someone, it would kill me. But I’d feel it.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ldziesinski said:


> I guess I don’t understand how someone can’t hate themselves. If I ever hurt someone, it would kill me. But I’d feel it.


When you hurt someone, you do hate yourself. Trust me! Been there, done that.


----------



## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> When you hurt someone, you do hate yourself. Trust me! Been there, done that.


Yeah. Just sucks it comes out as even more hurtful to me lol. The dead to me thing just killed me


----------



## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Some cheaters have to conjure up disdain for their BS to justify their affair.
> 
> He may be generating the hatred for you to justify his feelings for the OW and for seeking divorce with you.
> 
> ...


What is a VAR


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Ldziesinski said:


> What is a VAR


Voice activated recorder. 

As for the pain his words cause, it is difficult but you have to keep telling yourself this is on him not you. You know you've done nothing wrong and he is just full of hot air. He has lied about everything, even who is to blame for the current situation.


----------



## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Voice activated recorder.
> 
> As for the pain his words cause, it is difficult but you have to keep telling yourself this is on him not you. You know you've done nothing wrong and he is just full of hot air. He has lied about everything, even who is to blame for the current situation.


Yeah. It’s just making me crazy, feeling like maybe I did do something, just can’t put my finger on it!


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Ldziesinski said:


> Yeah. It’s just making me crazy, feeling like maybe I did do something, just can’t put my finger on it!


You can't put your finger on something that only exists in his imagination.


----------



## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You can't put your finger on something that only exists in his imagination.


I guess that is true! I feel like all of this is going to scar me for life 😂 damaged goods


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Ldziesinski said:


> I guess that is true! I feel like all of this is going to scar me for life 😂 damaged goods


Everyone has baggage and scars. It will take time, but I bet you will be surprised how well you come out of this.


----------



## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Everyone has baggage and scars. It will take time, but I bet you will be surprised how well you come out of this.


I hope so. Even after all the drama he has caused, still hard to say goodbye after 10 years , and he won’t even allow it to be done in a civil manner.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Ldziesinski said:


> What is a VAR


Voice activated recorder. It can be useful in the preventing false accusations. For men, the risk when relationships break down, a woman may accuse them of becoming verbally violent and threatening. If he has recordings of him never yelling and always being calm it could save him from jail or the divorce judge weighing against him. Same thing for you.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ldziesinski said:


> What is a VAR


Voice Activated Recorder


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Ldziesinski said:


> Yep! Keeping to plan for sure. There is just so much hatred for me. I’m not perfect, but I did try my hardest to be the best wife. It was important to me, and I know it can be tough sometimes. Part of it I think is he though divorce was just signing a paper then being friends- because he told me that. But we have to sell our home, all of our equipment ect and I think he is just realizing that. Just don’t know why it’s directed at me. He asked for the divorce. I just obliged him.


The hatred you are seeing is him projecting HIS feelings, regret, and frustration (over not getting what he wants) onto YOU. 
You CANNOT take it personally. This shows exactly why he was able to cheat on you and then dump you, like you were trash to him -- because HE is the trash.

You have got to maintain the mindset that HE is acting out because of HIM...it's NOT YOU.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Ldziesinski said:


> Yeah. It’s just making me crazy, *feeling like maybe I did do something*, just can’t put my finger on it!


NOPE.



Ldziesinski said:


> I guess that is true! I feel like all of this is going to scar me for life 😂 damaged goods


And NOT AT ALL!!!

You are going to need to hide yourself away for a little while until you heal your heart a little bit, but you will be FINE!!!
My STBX was cruel to me for the last two years of our marriage, and then for over a year while we figured out how to separate and divorce, and it HURT...alot.

But I have always maintained strongly within myself that it was his problem, not mine at all!!!!! I loved him with all my heart when we were a couple, and I never wanted to hurt him or take advantage of him while we divorced. And I KNOW I can be a great partner to someone else again, when I'm ready and meet the right guy for me...and nothing that he did is going to stop me from being MYSELF in my next relationship.

So don't worry that you are damaged in any way - you can only be that if you allow it to happen to you! You are hurt and confused and wish things could be different, but you are going to come out of this just FINE.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ldziesinski said:


> Yeah. It’s just making me crazy, feeling like maybe I did do something, just can’t put my finger on it!


Sounds like he has a personality disorder and has no object constancy. Only people like this can swing to extreme emotions of love and hate ignoring the good times.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Ldziesinski said:


> Yeah. Deep down I know that. Just amazing how bad 4 words can’t hurt so bad lol “ your dead to me”


That "you're dead to me" -- is EXACTLY how YOU want it to be. He's dead -- grieve for your marriage and what you thought you had, and then MOVE ON with your life. He knows what buttons to push, and he KNEW that would really hurt you, so what did he do? He MEANT to hurt you -- he was just lashing out.
Think it out, get your head around it, and then let it go -- don't let those words fester.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Ldziesinski said:


> Yeah. It’s just making me crazy, feeling like maybe I did do something, just can’t put my finger on it!


In his mind YOU DID DO something -- you didn't let him have his fun AND have you sitting at home waiting for him. How DARE you do that to him! (I hope you realize that I don't mean it and just trying to say that from his point of view -- this is NOT your fault at all)


----------

