# codependency/love addiction



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

CoDependency & Love Addiction

I already knew my h was very codependent, but had never heard of the phrase "love addict". The link above has some interesting facts. Anyone married to a codependent or love addict? Anyone married to someone like that and able to help them make the changes necessary for the marriage to survive?


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## Triumph (Oct 8, 2011)

Oddly enough, I never truly understood the meaning of CoDependant until now. I must say this is going to help me and my wife.

Thanks for offering the article.


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## Triumph (Oct 8, 2011)

Good articfle.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ku--why do you think your husband is a "love addict?"


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Triumph said:


> Oddly enough, I never truly understood the meaning of CoDependant until now. I must say this is going to help me and my wife.
> 
> Thanks for offering the article.


Someone sent me that link on another thread. I also have the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I haven't read all of it because I lost it until recently, but there is an entire chapter with codependent characteristics that even my h says fit him. However, sometimes I don't really think he TRULY knows they fit him or how or why. He just talks the talk. And, if he recognizes these characteristics, why does he do nothing to change them?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ku1980rose said:


> And, if he recognizes these characteristics, why does he do nothing to change them?


Because he doesn't want to.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Ku--why do you think your husband is a "love addict?"


I'm not sure I would ever have called it "love addict" but he is definitely co-dependent. I've seen that. Our counselor saw it. His personal counselor was working with him on it, but I haven't seen the changes. 

From the link, all of these things are my h to a T:
"5 Core Symptoms of Codependency

Difficulty loving the self (self esteem)
Difficulty protecting oneself by functional boundaries with others.
Difficulty knowing one’s reality and owning it.
Difficulty with self-care.
Difficulty expressing one’s reality in moderation."

"Disproportionate amount of time and attention is spent on relationships.
Love Addicts obsessively think about, want to be with, touch, talk to, and listen to their partners. They rate this person as superior to themselves, or having more power. They make this person their Higher Power, but rarely know this is happening."

"Fantasy is triggered and the Love Addict feels high. "It's karma, destiny, fate, we're soulmates."
The Love Addict feels relief from the pain of loneliness, emptiness and not mattering.
The Love Addict begins to enmesh with the partner, showing more neediness. Partner starts to move away, but Love Addict denies the reality of being abandoned by partner. This denial protects against the agony of rejection and abandonment.
Eventually the Love Addict begins to be aware of the abandonment, and denial crumbles. May rage and get hysterical; may bargain, threaten."

From a book I'm reading, I could highlight 80% of the characteristics as being my h. 


I think a lot of us tend to have codependent ways at some time or another. I feel I used to be that way when I was younger. But, as I've grown and matured I've learned to be dependent upon myself and responsible for my own happiness.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I posted a reply in another thread for you regarding the difference between co-dependency and the LA/L.avoid dynamic. Very different to co-dependency because both parties play the game.

Article on Love Addicts (me)

McKinney, TX Psychologist Janice Caudill, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist - Love Addiction and Love Avoidance

Article on the Love Avoidant (in my case my H)

SCARED TO LOVE...The Relationship Patterns of the Love Avoidant - WQMag.com

Love Addict Recovery:

Journaling Exercises for Love/Avoidance Addiction Recovery « Phoenix's Blog


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Triumph said:


> Good articfle.


reason: don't want to hijack thread

What do you mean by that?


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## Triumph (Oct 8, 2011)

I started asking several questions to gain insight into my marriage, and I just figured that was off the topic you created.

That was a good read though. Never heard the term Love Addict before, but I see a lot of my wife in there. If I knew how to deal with it, I wouldnt be on these forums.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

brokenbythis said:


> I posted a reply in another thread for you regarding the difference between co-dependency and the LA/L.avoid dynamic. Very different to co-dependency because both parties play the game.
> 
> Article on Love Addicts (me)
> 
> ...


So much of this fits us. My h is a love addict. I read things in his thread that really ring true. Such as putting me no a pedestal, and his partner (me) going from romantic to cold and distant. But, I feel I've been driven to being cold and distant by this relationship. I've never been that way before. ???? Also, his mother and father were abusive in ways. Mostly his mother. And they divorced and he didn't spend much time with his father. Now, he NEVER sees his mother. They don't have a relationship. And when they do speak, she is controlling and abusive. 

Love avoidance doesn't fit me. Some of it may sound like me at this point, but it is not how I go into a relationship and how I've been in other relationships. I don't want to avoid intimacy. I WANT intimacy so badly. And I've had great intimacy in past relationships. But, when my h blocks me out, he has put up so many walls between us, it's caused me to back off as well. I don't avoid love or intimacy. How can I have intimacy with him when he won't let me in???? And, when he is sooooo overpowering with his dependency on me, it does cause me to back off.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I think I might be a love addict. I read the article with my husband and he said, "no, you're just in love, like I am." But I don't know. I think I might actually be a LA - I just haven't gotten to any of the bad parts yet. Still in the "high" phase, where I've been since 4 days after I met my H. Whatever I am, he is too. I'm not in a love addict/love avoidant relationship. If anything, we're two love addicts addicted to each other's love. Scary article.

Is it not considered normal to be head-over-heels in love?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

omega said:


> I think I might be a love addict. I read the article with my husband and he said, "no, you're just in love, like I am." But I don't know. I think I might actually be a LA - I just haven't gotten to any of the bad parts yet. Still in the "high" phase, where I've been since 4 days after I met my H. Whatever I am, he is too. I'm not in a love addict/love avoidant relationship. If anything, we're two love addicts addicted to each other's love. Scary article.
> 
> Is it not considered normal to be head-over-heels in love?


I don't know. I guess if you are both happy with the way your relationship is, then why would it matter?? As long as you are not overbearing. My h is overbearing at times because it seems I am his every waking breath, like he can't live without me no matter how volatile our relationship becomes. If your husband is happy with it and it works, then why worry about it?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

After reading more, I do see some of myself in this part:

"Emotional Cycles for the Avoidance Addict:

1) Attraction to neediness and vulnerability of the love addict

2) Displays of power to impress this person; acting attentive and caring for needs, finding ways to display protectiveness toward this person

3) Enjoy emotional high from adulation of love addict

4) Begin to feel engulfed and controlled: neediness becomes overwhelming

5) Abandon the relationship

6) Returning out of guilt or fear of abandonment or both"

Only I don't really see #2 at all. But 1, 3, and definitely 4 fit.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

ROSE:

A Love Avoidant desperately want intimacy but secretly fears it. When it gets too close they start to feel smothered. That is my H all over. Says he wants intimacy but does not know how to get it and deep down fears it.

Good news is there is very effective treatment for this relationship dynamic. IC actually. I have started mine and so far so good. Got to change... don't want to live like I have been anymore.

I want to be free from this and have healthy relationships!


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

brokenbythis said:


> ROSE:
> 
> A Love Avoidant desperately want intimacy but secretly fears it. When it gets too close they start to feel smothered. That is my H all over. Says he wants intimacy but does not know how to get it and deep down fears it.
> 
> ...


Well, then, I don't see myself as love avoidant.


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## Christy (May 29, 2012)

Love addiction is a very serious thing and yet not everybody is ready to accept it. It's either they deny it (that they're love addicts) or deny the fact that <a href="http://www.fivesistersranch.com/our-program/love-addiction">love addiction</a> is real. I may not be in a toxic relationship, I still believe that this addiction should immediately be treated and shouldn't be ignored.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

omega said:


> I think I might be a love addict. I read the article with my husband and he said, "no, you're just in love, like I am." But I don't know. I think I might actually be a LA - I just haven't gotten to any of the bad parts yet. Still in the "high" phase, where I've been since 4 days after I met my H. Whatever I am, he is too. I'm not in a love addict/love avoidant relationship. If anything, we're two love addicts addicted to each other's love. Scary article.
> 
> Is it not considered normal to be head-over-heels in love?


Yes, you can be head-over-heels in love, sometimes for a lifetime. MRI studies have shown that some people have the same romantic brain patterns even after many years together. 

I don't like the term "love addiction." ANY behavior can be an addiction in a sense. Compulsive hand-washing, for instance, could be called an addiction. Both addictions and codependencies have predictable patterns to matter what the target of the behavior is: 

- It initially satisfies an emotional need.
- Tolerance builds, and more is needed to gain the same level of satisfaction.
- Engaging in the behavior contributes to problems that develop because of that behavior. 
- To respond to what isn't working, the addict initially seeks more of their addiction.
- The addict will protect their addiction through many denial techniques.


We all have some degree of co-dependence. We cannot be in a relationship with some degree of dependence, and it's unrealistic to expect that our partner doesn't place some of his or her own dependence outside of the relationship. For instance, my husband depends on me for some things - intimacy, emotional support, etc. and he depends on his employer for something else - a paycheck. It would be absurd for me to believe he should be ONLY dependent on me. However, if he was such a workaholic that my needs weren't "reasonably" met, then it could cause problems in our relationship.

An alcoholic depends on alcohol to meet some of their emotional needs, to an unreasonable degree that can cause problems. A "love addict" as it's used here, uses the relationship to meet more of their needs than is reasonable.

The focus of what's meeting those needs can be anything. The key is that the "addict" is unreasonable and using flawed logic and denial.


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

I am codependent and I have been for years. It's not as easy to change as one might think, especially while in a relationship. An alcoholic, although it's very difficult, can separate him or herself from alcohol but it isn't very often that a codependent or love addict can separate themselves from the object of their addiction without ending the relationship. 

Control is a very large part of my codependency. I tend to switch back and forth between avoiding and pursuing and I think it's another way to control the relationship. If my husband seems distant from me, I fight for his affection and attention, if I have his affection and attention, I fight to remove myself from it. The worst part is that I realize I'm doing this yet it is so difficult to stop. When I'm avoiding, any sort of affection is irritating to me, especially if it's not the sort of affection I feel that I deserve. I tend to rely on my husband for my happiness.

It's funny because I'm knowledgeable enough to know that my beliefs and expectations about my relationship are unrealistic and irrational. Codependency and love addiction are very difficult to break because we need relationships. It's hard for me to tell the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship and I think that's fairly common with codependent people and love addicts. As long as we feel loved in some way or we feel that attachment, we'll stay in the relationship until it hurts more to stay in the relationship than it would to leave and then we jump into another one as soon as we can. It's a vicious cycle.

I think I've been lucky to find someone who is good for me but, again, that's difficult for me to determine. It's hard for me to set boundaries because of my fear of abandonment. Counseling is truly the only way to move past this addiction. I find that when I practice mindfulness, live in the moment, find happiness outside of the relationship and try to restructure my cognitive distortions, I feel a lot more secure in who I am. It's taken me awhile to get there and I struggle with it frequently. I have very low self esteem and any sort of criticism or perceived criticism sends me on a downward spiral if I'm in an iffy mood as I tend to be paranoid. Right now I'm struggling with my codependency and I can look back on just two weeks ago when I was feeling much more secure. I'm not sure what the trigger was or even if my "security" was actually avoidance or distance.

I've kind of gone off on a tangent here but I thought it might be helpful for the OP to get some insight on what goes on in a codependent person's head. It manifests differently in every person.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've just realized recently how codependent I am/was. Thankfully I've already fixed much of it in therapy. I recognize it and am taking steps to fix the few traits I still struggle with. It feels like a daily battle but one definately worth fighting.


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## CoDependent_free (May 8, 2012)

Just a suggestion as you learn more about CoDependency... Be very mindful to the idea that we often "Project" our own actions onto our Codependent Partner...


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