# I need relationship advice from a women’s perspective



## Man (Sep 20, 2010)

I hope its ok to post this in here ladies. I need a bit of relationship advice from a women’s perspective.

Sorry so long… just want whoever is brave enough to read this to understand.

Ok here it goes…

20 years ago I met a girl, who I fell madly in love with and she with me. We were in high school and dated 4 years. Her mother wanted her to date other people instead of just me. She kept on and on and made life for us miserable. When she graduated high school we got married. Her mother quit talking to her except to try and convince her to divorce me. After almost a year of her mother not having anything to do with her she caved and her mother drove her down to the lawyer. She lost me and gained her mom back. I was devastated as she was the love of my life. A few years later she came to where I worked as I was going in and stood inches from my face. I wanted her so bad!!!!! I still loved her, but I was scared of her. I walked away.

I never knew it but after that she tried to contact me many times over the years. My parents wouldn’t relay her messages to me. I never knew she was still trying to find me. She dated but after a while she gave up and got married. I stayed single 5 years and depressed. I eventually got remarried to. Neither of us contacted the other or knew anything about the other.

So here I am 20 years later. My second marriage of around 15 years was coming to an end. We were separated and I was living alone. Then here comes a friend request on Facebook from my first wife!! Wow!! We sent one or two quick lines back and forth and that was it. I found out she was going through a divorce after 15 years also. About a year later my divorce was over and hers was/is still going. She was living alone. I decided to give her a call to chat. Wow!!! We hit it off perfect. It was as good as or better than the first time. We both had longed for each other all those years.

We have spent 6 months together now. It has been the best 6 moths of my life!!!! There is a catch. Her divorce is still dragging on. Hopefully it will be over by Christmas. I know that’s not the perfect situation for a relationship but we were married before, to each other.

So why am I writing this? Well as I said this has been a great summer with her. But the last 3 weeks she has been a bit distant from me. She has been talking to her husband some about there marriage. She told me that everything was definitely over with him but it was sad that all those years were wasted. She said she just needs some time to reflect on what had been, because feeling sad she couldn’t give all herself to me. She said she still loved me and only wanted me but she just needed some time.

It scared me because she just did a turn around so fast. One minute or (6 months) we are laughing, running to hotels, talking about what our next wedding will look like, looking at old pictures and the next she is sad and wanting some time to herself grieving a marriage she said was over years ago.
That’s hard on me also because I felt like I lost her for 20 years and I just got her back!! She said her friends told her this would happen and to expect it. (The grieving for the lost marriage) I really do understand and my job has suffered a bit also by staying up all night on the phone. I just miss her and can’t stand to cut back.

Since she wanted space I didn’t call her the other morning on my way to work and she sent me a message wondering why. So I called. I know she needs space but how do I give it to her? How do I step back and let her grieve over this without seeming like we are breaking up. How do I go about this right without losing her again? We have so much potential but the timing wasn’t that good or so it seems now.

I’ll add this to… I rarely drink and the other day this was really bothering me. I had a bit too much to drink while home ALONE! I didn’t expect her to be calling so soon and when she did I was in an upset drunk mood. Know this!! I probably only have one drink every few years if that!! I wasn’t exactly mean to her but she said I was really snippy with her and it was a side she had never seen. It was a feeling broken side that she seen. I think I got her a bit upset with me. Now I feel even more distant. Not a good thing to do when I am suppose to be there for her.

Any suggestions before I lose my mind?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

A MAN WHO IS IN LOVE!!!!!
What can I say? We all do silly things when we are madly in love!
Let her know how much you love her. Let her know thinking too much about her past life doesn't help her move on. 
I wish I could be a magician. I am not good at giving this kind of advice, hope others can help you.
But please don't do silly things again, women don't like it. We want responsible men. Be kind, be gentle, be considerate, be understanding, be patient, be THERE for her. Hope she understands your love for her and hope you two get married and live together happily!!!!!


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## Man (Sep 20, 2010)

I Just read what I wrote. I tried to be careful writing but my grammar looks a bit rough in places!! Sorry, its late and I am feeling a bit emotional over this. I really took a lot of English classes in college!! I Promise!!

Thank you for the kind words greenpearl, that was very sweet.


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## Quicksand (Sep 20, 2010)

Off Topic, but I'm amazed that your username wasn't already taken


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It is perfectly normal for her to grieve over the loss of her marriage; I'm sure you did it as well, although maybe not in the same way or for as long. 

As for the space she asked for, give her that. Smothering her or clinging to her when she's asked for space is a sure way to send her running, no matter how much she wants/wanted to be with you. 

As for the drinking incident, apologize and assure her it won't happen again. "I'm sorry I was rude to you. I was feeling down, and I drank. That was a mistake. I don't drink often, and I can assure you that what happened that day will not happen again. Please forgive me." Then make sure it doesn't happen again. 

If you two are meant to be together, it will work out in the end. Just because she's been talking to her soon to be ex husband doesn't mean that they're getting back together or anything like that. I don't know how your divorce went, but I know in many, there are often times when the spouses must talk to each other in order to work out arrangements on things like custody, support and alimony, who gets what, etc. Sometimes those discussions lead to "remember when..." moments, but it's very rare that that leads to the couple staying together. The best thing you can do right now is simply be there for her. Let her know you care about her and are willing to listen whenever she needs to talk.


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## Man (Sep 20, 2010)

Yep Quicksand. My regular username was taken and I was trying various combination's. As I typed man it turned Green!!! I thought NO WAY!! But Way! I was surprised to... 

She sent me this video:
YouTube - Jordin Sparks - Worth The Wait (With Lyrics)


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I listened to the song. SHE LOVES YOU! It hurts that you can't be with her right now. We all understand the feeling. That's called LOVE. 
You have to stay CALM!!!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

She wants space--so tell her you will give it by not calling as much/as long. Tell her you understand her need to grieve and you respect that. Assure her that you know she is worth the wait (re: the song) and will gladly resume more frequent contact when she's ready. Ask her what feels like enough space, and then abide by it. If she has trouble with the boundaries she's set, then ask her if she wants to make adjustments.

In the meantime, get busy! Focus on your job and yourself. Letting yourself act like a love-sick puppy won't make the relationship stronger; it will just make you weaker. Being in love does not mean losing yourself. Pay attention to the other people in your life--kids, family, friends--too. And when she's ready, remember these other people, your own obligations, and the life you have in addition to your relationship. You'll both be better off for it. And, be sure to ask her what she plans to do about her mother this time around. . . Good luck!


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## Man (Sep 20, 2010)

Thank you atruckersgirl. That's pretty good straight forward advice. Its hard to think these things through when your on this side because its fogged up with love... sigh. I mentioned to her today that I was trying to give her space. (Basically not calling her as much or talking to her as long.) I said I hope I was giving her enough just let me know if I'm not. I told her if I don't call know I am just a phone call away. She said she didn't even know how to do it that she was taking it one day at a time. But today we had a really nice day talking.


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## Man (Sep 20, 2010)

Thanks sisters359. I think we were typing something similar at the same time earlier. I will mention that to her the way you worded it, next time it comes up. She is definitely worth the wait. She is a pretty special person. I have known that 20 years!

As far as her mother. After 20 years she is the same. We have been together 6 months and her mother hasn't spoken with her in 6 months!! At 40 she has let her go. She realized that she cant live her mothers life for her.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

You say, " you are suppose to be there for her." What about her being there for you. I know you are excited but don't throw yourself away for this lady. Don't do all the giving while she does all the taking.
I truely hope it works out for the both of you. My best wishes.


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

My response as a woman? 

1. Beef up your talking skills and understand what women want to hear.

The more you want to explain your misbehavior to her, the more you will get traped in your own communication. 

You know you can never win a woman when she "wants" to talk or when she wants to "judge."

If I were you and she called when I was drunk and I talked some crap to her.... I'm sure she would call again to complain... I'm sure she would think a lot and she's ready with a good speech to attack me. I can never win.

So, you don't need to report your guilt to her in details such as I never drink that much and blah blah blah... You only made that topic/issue larger than it actually is. 

Women think a lot, and they talk a hell lot.

You will go crazy if you need to deal with her every thought.

________________________________________________
2. What you do? Here are my suggestions:

Women love cool men.

So, stay cool, polite and attractive. (Look good)
Focus on your work and career.
Buy a fancy car or at least able to pay a meal in a good restaurant.
Just listen and agree with her with positve response.

My last idea for you : Don't meet too often! How can I miss you if you never go away?


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## Man (Sep 20, 2010)

Yes your right friendly. I have a habit of wanting and feeling I need to talk things out. Feeling as if I need it cleared up before I can put it behind. She is that way within reason but years of a husband that never talked shut her down some. She says she feels her old self coming back. Basically I told her that you know I'm not like that and I wont act that way again. She said ok but I could tell she was still upset for several days. Thats all done with now.

And no, she didnt call back to complain. She has never raised her voice to me or jumped on me. She gets quit when she is upset. It's really easy to fix by just hugging her. I live 2 hours away from her so thats a bit hard to do whenever I want. Maybe next year sometime I can get transferred with my job closer to her.

Thank you also for the advice. I am being very positive and supportive to her. I'm keeping my distance. As I step back... she steps toward me. When I don't call. She calls me. It's looking more positive. Hard to do this when I crave to hold her every second. I feel like I cant breath unless I'm breathing in her breath. I miss lying cuddled with her. And the good part is. She misses that with me to. The distance is helping.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You were her rebound. Sorry if that hurt. Everyone needs a rebound when a relationship/marriage ends. That's what her friends meant. Now she's over it but is still trying to hold on to you just in case. I know you won't get over her, but I would back away.....completely away. You are in limbo because she does not exercise control. I think she's used you enough and don't think you should dangle for her. Due to the circumstances, I don't think you should be there for her. Just tell her you understand what she was going through, you understand she needed you for a time and was glad you could be that for her, but you don't think this is good for you or fair. Tell her if she decides she wants the two of you to be together, then give you a call.

I wish I could suggest you be a friend to her and there for her right now, but I don't like people using others for their own purpose. The rebound guy/girl loses out in the end because the whole relationship was built on emotions borne of what once was and has nothing or little to do with the rebound person. It was unfair of her to get involved with you just because she needed to be needed. I would have more respect if she were honest with you upfront. At least you would have known what you were getting into. Actually, you should have known. Doesn't everyone know about the rebound?


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## Man (Sep 20, 2010)

Yes I know about the rebound. Although my ex moved out a year ago our divorce was only final just weeks before I met this girl again. So we would be each others rebound. That line of thinking means we used each other. Maybe it was a little of that, but it goes deeper. Remember we were married at one time years ago. For 20 years we both thought of the other and looked for the other. Even after we were married we both looked for the other. So there was 20 years of wanting the other mixed with knowing the divorce was a mistake. She only wanted me to come after her. I was scared of her. Now we are past that and mature older adults. Unfortunately when we find each other we are both going through or just went through a divorce. We talked about the rebound thing the first month we were together. Not sure how much it played a roll. either way we are together now and working through the rough spots. Hopefully it will work out. If it doesn't then it doesn't. At least we are trying and it is worth it.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I just read your last response, Man. And I do have to caution you. When I was just out of high school, I'd met this guy that we just fell head over heels for each other. We dated for about 2 years or so, had a major fight and broke up. Over the next 10 years, I moved on to get married, have children, and get divorced. He moved on to live with another woman, but never had kids. Over that 10 year period, we both often thought of each other and tried to find each other. I finally found him. And we began dating again. 

It turned out to be the worst mistake of my life. He'd turned into an alcoholic, and would get violent when he drank. The relationship didn't last the second time around. And what's worse is that now I don't even have the memories of what a great guy he was anymore; they were all destroyed by the reality of the second relationship. 

Now, of course, I'm not saying she's an alcoholic or anything really horrible, but...it's possible that you two are still living in the fantasy of the past, and once reality sets in, you two may not be so blissfully happy. And once that happens, if you two break up, you not only lose each other again, but you also lose all those good memories. 

I would be very careful.


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## Man (Sep 20, 2010)

I understand where your coming from atruckersgirl. If I got fed up now and walked away wanting to preserve those memories I would always wonder what if. I would always wonder how good it could have been if I just tried a little harder and sucked up my pride a bit. I actually think I would rather it either work out great or end really badly. One way I would of course be happy. The other way I could say I tried and it got screwed up. Both ways there is a definite ending, a closure of sorts. No what ifs. If it didn't work and ended on a bad note then screw the memories who cares. We all mess up and deserve a second and a third chance, especially if you actually love someone. That's true for lovers, parents, kids, even friends. She is my lover and my friend. She is worth working with her on these things. I do have a limit. I have been pushed close to it a few times but I'm here trying only because I do love her.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Man said:


> I actually think I would rather it either work out great or end really badly.


That line is your own answer I think. You must hang in there because you have to know but also keep in mind that there might come a time when it is the better decision to bail out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you are in love, it doesn't matter how long you wait. Just step back, keep in touch, and be patient.


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