# Meet the ex?



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Obviously when there are children, meeting the ex is pretty common. My exH was married previously with no children and I met her but was surprised to recently get a request to get together for drinks. We both opted to not go to the funeral of our exMIL but because we both loved her and admired her so we shared memories and toasted to her. And then, of course, the topic changed to our experiences with the ex.

And WOW what an eye opener. She had it worse than I did. He was very abusive to her, even more so psychologically. I think she pushed back more than I did and that made it worse. And there were a lot of similar experiences where he killed pets of ours and other awful things. We joked about asking his long term girlfriend to join us as they recently broke up after about 10 years of dating. That seems to be the max any of us could put up with him. I imagine she experienced some of his abuse as well.

Anyone else ever have a heart-to-heart over a mutual ex? I really like her. We'd be good friends.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sorry for the pain you both went through, there are some people out there that are just to damaged for relationships and they can mask their dysfunction for a while and get their victims hooked. Love can be used as a weapon against you if you are not wary of it.


----------



## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

I think it's odd to claim to toast to his mother's passing, then go into details about how bad he was. 

No, I don't think you guys should be friends because you both can express how he hurt each of you. Why live down memory lane of the past? Hes removed from both your lives and yet made quite the discussion. I'm not sure that's really celebrating in the name of his mom. I'd be disappointed in myself for allowing him to become the hot topic. 

I'm not interested in bashing or finding mutual interest of how my exs treat their Gfs. That's why they're exs, it obviously didn't work out and he's the same person that he was before you.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

New_Beginnings said:


> I think it's odd to claim to toast to his mother's passing, then go into details about how bad he was.
> 
> No, I don't think you guys should be friends because you both can express how he hurt each of you. Why live down memory lane of the past? Hes removed from both your lives and yet made quite the discussion. I'm not sure that's really celebrating in the name of his mom. I'd be disappointed in myself for allowing him to become the hot topic.
> 
> I'm not interested in bashing or finding mutual interest of how my exs treat their Gfs. That's why they're exs, it obviously didn't work out and he's the same person that he was before you.


Completely disagree.

Enjoli, I think it's great that you met and talked with her. If nothing else, it's complete verification that your ex really is an abusive jerk (not that you didn't already know!) and that leaving him was the best thing you could have ever done.

I don't think you showed any disrespect to the MIL at all and I'm sure the toast to her was genuine.

To answer your question, I've never had the opportunity to discuss an ex with their previous ex. In a circumstance like yours (abuse) I'm sure it was quite cathartic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Purely from the role of an observer of life I think it would be very interesting to talk to these women. It may very well allow you to come to some understanding of how things happened and why. You might discover some thing, that you blamed yourself for for years, was not really your fault. I really don't care who you are or how far along you may think you are in your understanding of life, but in my mind the journey is always continuing and few if any of us ever achieve perfection in our understanding.
I am actually going to have a similar experience next year at my son's wedding. My ex's ex will be there. The only side of their story I ever got was hers. All I knew of his life afterwards was all through the prism of her. It might be interesting to hear his take on their marriage and how he adapted his life in the aftermath.


----------



## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Completely disagree.
> 
> Enjoli, I think it's great that you met and talked with her. If nothing else, it's complete verification that your ex really is an abusive jerk (not that you didn't already know!) and that leaving him was the best thing you could have ever done.
> 
> ...




As a domestic abuse survivor to finally have him in jail was all the verification needed . If I felt for other women, I would report and build a case. Counseling was very beneficial as well, in understanding why I was attracting and or staying in such a ill willed relationship. It's not always learning about what happened the exs relationship but I'm sure yes they could sympathize with each other's experiences. For me, rehashing memories give me flashbacks so as it's healing for her, some it's more healing to let it go.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

The toast WAS genuine. We both wished we could have attended her funeral but we both felt we would not be welcome and it wasn't a place we wanted to cause a scene. My daughter attended and I didn't want to make it awkward for her, either. So we wanted our own little ex-wives club memorial. We did not meet to "bash" - is it bashing if it's sharing experiences that are the similar and TRUE?

I'm not saying I want us to be best friends - just that I like her as a person. We talked about our activities more than him and we did share lots of pleasant memories about our common MIL. I think my sharing his diagnosis was helpful to her in bringing some closure and understanding about some of his behavior and learned she had suspected a disorder as well due to his black and white thinking and actions. And for myself, although it was awful to hear some of the things she went through, I also understood it wasn't just me and there was some relief in that, too.


----------



## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

I get what you're saying. That's respectable to have your own tribute to her as well, instead of a possible scene at the funeral.

I'm glad you were capable of bringing her some closure by sharing your experience. I hope with his diagnosis that his Dr. has led him to the resources he needs to help deal with anger issues and lashing out. 

For me, when it came to the physical and mental abuse I was a private person. I more so just wanted to regain my self confidence and esteem back.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

New_Beginnings said:


> I get what you're saying. That's respectable to have your own tribute to her as well, instead of a possible scene at the funeral.
> 
> I'm glad you were capable of bringing her some closure by sharing your experience. I hope with his diagnosis that his Dr. has led him to the resources he needs to help deal with anger issues and lashing out.
> 
> For me, when it came to the physical and mental abuse I was a private person. I more so just wanted to regain my self confidence and esteem back.


He was diagnosed with severe narcissistic personality disorder. There is no cure, not that he would think anything was wrong with him. It's everyone else that's the problem in his world.


----------



## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

EnjoliWoman said:


> He was diagnosed with severe narcissistic personality disorder. There is no cure, not that he would think anything was wrong with him. It's everyone else that's the problem in his world.



Those are the worst kind of people. I'm glad you both removed him!


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I think its awesome that you two got the chance to do this! I was actually pretty close to my ex husband's second wife. She took care of everything for our daughter while they were married, so I talked to her instead of him, which was great. We didn't discuss much about HIM until she started confiding some issues to me.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I'm just not a big fan of exes consuming emotional energy be it good or bad.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Maybe a difference between men and women. I have zero desire to sit down and commiserate with some guy about my X. No matter if that guy was her first husband or her affair partner. I'm doing all I can to forget the past. Last thing I want to do is rehash anything.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

My XH had several LTRs before me... I would be interested in meeting the one who came immediately before me, since I've heard more about her than any of the others, just so I could find out how much of it was true--and how much of it was lies told to make himself look better. Especially since now I suspect that most of it is lies. And I'd like to know if he pulled the same sh!t with her.

But I wouldn't want to be friends, or take it beyond that. Just once, just to see.


----------

