# Another sexless marriage thread...please help!



## need_help (Mar 25, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for 8 years, together for 10. We have two children, ages 6 & 3. Both my husband and I work full time outside of the home. My husband is a great person and I know he loves me and our children very much. We are very stressed with the day to day activities of our lives. As with many mothers, I feel that I do the majority of the work around the house as well as taking care of the needs of our children. I feel that I have come to resent him because of this. And yes, I have talked to him about this many times over the last 2 years.

I suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of both of my kids, and have been on antidepressants ever since. I have attended counseling and during these sessions my therapist recommended my husband attend them as well. He did, but we didn't feel that they helped. I am no longer attending the sessions. Deep down, I wonder if my issues are now stemming from the problems in my marriage. Sometimes I wonder if I still even love my husband...

The last time we had sex was 6 months ago. Wow, I am cringing just typing this. I have no desire whatsoever to have sex with him. Previous to that episode 6 months ago, we maybe at the MOST had sex once a month. So this has been going on for a long time now. He has not initiated sex with me since the last time we had it. Obviously, I haven't either. I know a side effect of being on the antidepressant is a low libido, but I'm having a hard time pinpointing if that is the reason. I am scared to go off of the medication because I have been on it for so long and don't know my life without it.

My husband told me last night that he is unhappy in our marriage, but before we got into a discussion about it my daughter woke up from a nightmare and I ran off to go comfort her and fell asleep. I already know his unhappiness stems from the fact that we don't have sex. We've talked about this many times and every time it's brought up I tell him I'm going to try harder, but I'm just so tired, and it's because of my medication. But nothing changes. It's just a vicious cycle and I am having a hard time breaking it.

I feel that he resents me because of the lack of sex and in turn he is distancing himself from me. He is so angry and uptight lately and I am afraid he is going to leave me and/or have an affair.

I know the most obvious answer to my dilemma would be to just have sex with him but it is not that easy for me. How can I try to get closer to him without jumping in the sack right away? Plus, since he hasn't initiated sex with me maybe he has already given up?


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## negru (Mar 25, 2010)

This is really very troubling. I'm so sorry for you, but if I can respectfully make a comment: It sounds like you're trying to have your cake and eat it too:

"Sometimes I wonder if I still even love my husband..."
"I have no desire whatsoever to have sex with him."

"He is so angry and uptight lately and I am afraid he is going to leave me and/or have an affair."
"...maybe he has already given up? "

I guess the question is: Do you want to be intimate with him anymore or not? It's not really fair to expect him to remain deeply excited about having sex with you if you have not desire to have sex or may not love him. Sex is,in my opinion, the ultimate expression of the deepest love two people can share. Sex should come FROM love, it won't make the love happen.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

- do you have a healthy lifestyle - exercise/eat healthy get enough sleep?
- do you prioritize that stuff - exercise time - over watching tv, reading, talking on phone to friends?
- have you tried putting 3 year old in stroller and doing a fast walk for an hour at night - kid time plus exercise - worked for us

If you take those meds and DON'T exercise and eat healthy you WILL have no desire and eventually he will either cheat, leave or worse he will stay until the kids are grown but he will hate you. 

IF you are willing to do your part - ramp up a healthy lifestyle - which will likely let you ditch the meds which will bring back your libido which will most likely bring back your marriage than YOU are entitled to insist he do some things. 

My wife can always ask me to do anything she wants in terms of help around the house. It isn't linked to sex directly - but we have a great sex life - so why wouldn't I help out. But you need to treat this like a job - otherwise you will look back and realize that day after day you CHOSE to watch tv, talk to friends and family instead of making the effort to lead a healthy lifestyle - rescue your libido and rescue your marriage. 

By the way - if you are NOT exercising and eating healthy and trying to ditch the meds, then what you are doing is a type of infidelity. It is a kind of lifestyle infidelity. You are choosing a lowest common denominator lifestyle - tv/reading/socializing - instead of making your H and therefore your family your highest priority. 

There are no limits to what I would do for my wife - but that is true because it is ALSO true in reverse. 



need_help said:


> My husband and I have been married for 8 years, together for 10. We have two children, ages 6 & 3. Both my husband and I work full time outside of the home. My husband is a great person and I know he loves me and our children very much. We are very stressed with the day to day activities of our lives. As with many mothers, I feel that I do the majority of the work around the house as well as taking care of the needs of our children. I feel that I have come to resent him because of this. And yes, I have talked to him about this many times over the last 2 years.
> 
> I suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of both of my kids, and have been on antidepressants ever since. I have attended counseling and during these sessions my therapist recommended my husband attend them as well. He did, but we didn't feel that they helped. I am no longer attending the sessions. Deep down, I wonder if my issues are now stemming from the problems in my marriage. Sometimes I wonder if I still even love my husband...
> 
> ...


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## need_help (Mar 25, 2010)

MEM, I do currently lead a somewhat healthy lifestyle. My eating could be a little better, but I'm working on that. I exercise about 4 times a week but need to ramp that up to 6 days for health reasons (high cholesterol), and as you suggested, for mental benefits.

I have talked to my psychiatrist about going off of the meds, and she was agreeable. But I just haven't taken that step yet because I am afraid. I've been on them for 6 years now and maybe it's time for me to just do it.


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## Ponyo (Mar 22, 2010)

Wow, I feel your pain. I too have been having trouble desiring sex with my hubby. I am also on antids, but can never go off them, unfortunately. 

Question, do you still have desire for other people? Do fantasies get you going? This is what I'm trying to deal with right now, maybe we can help each other.


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## need_help (Mar 25, 2010)

Ponyo said:


> Wow, I feel your pain. I too have been having trouble desiring sex with my hubby. I am also on antids, but can never go off them, unfortunately.
> 
> Question, do you still have desire for other people? Do fantasies get you going? This is what I'm trying to deal with right now, maybe we can help each other.


Boy, it's good to hear that I'm not alone.

Hmmmm, I haven't had thoughts of anyone else sexually, and to be honest I don't fantasize about sex either. I feel completely _unsexual_, if that makes any sense! What about you? Feel free to PM me if you would like to talk some more.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Have you tried to let your H get you in the mood? Like let him give you a nice long sexual massage? 




need_help said:


> MEM, I do currently lead a somewhat healthy lifestyle. My eating could be a little better, but I'm working on that. I exercise about 4 times a week but need to ramp that up to 6 days for health reasons (high cholesterol), and as you suggested, for mental benefits.
> 
> I have talked to my psychiatrist about going off of the meds, and she was agreeable. But I just haven't taken that step yet because I am afraid. I've been on them for 6 years now and maybe it's time for me to just do it.


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## need_help (Mar 25, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Have you tried to let your H get you in the mood? Like let him give you a nice long sexual massage?


The last time that happened, I fell asleep! :sleeping: Something definitely to try again. 

I believe one of the side effects of my anti depressant is fatigue. Another reason to go off of it.

I spoke with my H about it last night. He told me he doesn't want to be the reason why I am going off of the meds. I told him that it wasn't just for him. I want to have a healthy marriage as well. I want to feel close to him again. I know sex doesn't fix everything, but I really do feel that if that part of our marriage improves it will help other aspects as well.


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## Ponyo (Mar 22, 2010)

Hehe, massages put me to sleep as well. 

I noticed you said hubby doesn't initiate it..any idea why? Mine will bug me constantly until I give in just to make him happy.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I actually DO understand how a massage can put you to sleep. But think about how bad that leaves HIM feeling. He likely got very turned on from touching you. And it actually is ok if you fall asleep as long as when you wake up next morning you find a way to have sex with him and thank him for the wonderful massage the night before. 

But to just fall asleep and then ignore how that left him feeling is a type of emotional neglect that is cruel. 

Were you highly attracted to him in the beginning? Or was it more like - he was a good friend and he was really into you? 

If you were highly attracted - when did it start to really fade and how did he react to that? 




need_help said:


> The last time that happened, I fell asleep! :sleeping: Something definitely to try again.
> 
> I believe one of the side effects of my anti depressant is fatigue. Another reason to go off of it.
> 
> I spoke with my H about it last night. He told me he doesn't want to be the reason why I am going off of the meds. I told him that it wasn't just for him. I want to have a healthy marriage as well. I want to feel close to him again. I know sex doesn't fix everything, but I really do feel that if that part of our marriage improves it will help other aspects as well.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

You know. . .I hope you are able to work this out with some professional help and with the depresssion, I think this may be beyond the scope of this forum (pretty sure it is).

However, let's say you cna't work it out and you try all kinds of professional help.

I do beleive that there is someone for everyone and maybe you need to be with an asexual type of person in a marriage. There are plenty of men out there like that so you shouldn't feel there are no fish in the sea.

One thing I have learned from being here is there is someone for everyone in marriage and maybe you two would be best to end up parting ways.

I mean divorce sucks. . .I really hope it doesn't come to that - honestly I don't. SO please seek some help from OB/GYN as a starting point at least - this may be hormonal and I'd hate for someone to be missing something medical. This is their job - to deal with sexual function and dysfunction. It sounds like you are living in some kind of shame and that's not good. It would be better to be more open about your lack of libido with everyone. 

But when all is said and done if you just aren't a sexual person, it could be that you weren't meant for a sexual kind of marriage. 

And unfortunately, that is one of the "purposes" of marriage - a partner to mate with.

Good luck.


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## need_help (Mar 25, 2010)

Ponyo, my H hasn't initiated sex in the last 6 months or so. Prior to that he would initiate sex more frequently.

MEM, I know what I'm doing is cruel and I feel terrible for it. I just need help figuring out what to do. When I first met my H, I had just gotten out of a long term relationship with my H.S. sweetheart. I guess you could say that I was looking for companionship, so no I was not _highly_ attracted to him. After dating for 4 months, we finally had sex. I would say that we had a good sex life, my H would agree as well, until after our first child was born. As I mentioned earlier I suffered from post partum depression so I went on meds. Now that is my problem. Is it the meds that is causing this...or something else?

Scannerguard, I do agree that the depression thing is beyond this board but I'm just trying to get some feedback on ways that I can bring back our sex life. Maybe it's too late. I don't know. But I really hope not. I don't want to live like this. I _want_ to have a healthy marriage which involves having sex. And I don't want to lose my husband.


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## need_help (Mar 25, 2010)

I'm back to report that I am off of the depression meds. And I've had bloodwork done to test my levels. All is fine in that area.

However, I am still experiencing no sex drive. I am pretty much convinced that it is all on an emotional level now.

I've sat down and discussed with him how I feel...that I need HELP in the running of our household, that I need to feel appreciated by him. All is dandy for a day or 2 and then we are right back to square one. Is this because he's not getting the sexual satisfaction he needs from me? Is this how he's paying me back for not giving him sex? Unfortuanately this is seems like a vicious cycle and I don't know how to get out of it. What can I do to fix this?


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

y dont u suggest a trade off? try to get ur hubby to assist u on the daily chores (it's not too difficult to take out the trash..), and maybe, instead of sex, u 2 can find time to share some private moments together doing things that both of u enjoy. if that leads to sex, fine and well, if not, at least u guys are spending quality time with each other


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

I think it is a matter of priorities. Mental illness is serious, regardless of whether its long term, short term or whatever. Ofcourse you don't want sex if you are depressed.. its pretty much a given. I sort of look at it as a health problem: You get your health problems sorted out and THEN you have sex. The most important thing in life is to be healthy, and that tends to sort of snowball down into other areas of life, such as sex and relationships.

Your husband needs to understand that you are suffering from a health condition that needs to be remedied, and this is the most important thing right now. I'm sure when your depression abates, then the sex will be a lot better and more regular for both of you. I think your husband just has a bad priority set at the moment.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

NH,
Have you at least resumed some level of sexual interaction with him?






need_help said:


> I'm back to report that I am off of the depression meds. And I've had bloodwork done to test my levels. All is fine in that area.
> 
> However, I am still experiencing no sex drive. I am pretty much convinced that it is all on an emotional level now.
> 
> I've sat down and discussed with him how I feel...that I need HELP in the running of our household, that I need to feel appreciated by him. All is dandy for a day or 2 and then we are right back to square one. Is this because he's not getting the sexual satisfaction he needs from me? Is this how he's paying me back for not giving him sex? Unfortuanately this is seems like a vicious cycle and I don't know how to get out of it. What can I do to fix this?


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## need_help (Mar 25, 2010)

MEM, yes we have had sex more frequently (2x a month)although not as much as he would like obviously.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

NH,
That is a starvation diet for a healthy man. If I were him I would handle this situation in a very direct manner. It would go something like this:

Lets accept some ugly truths here and then try to work around them. Your lack of desire for me is not about housework. So while I am willing to do more housework it is NOT going to make you feel desire. I get that you are resentfull about housework, but our sex life has been bad for many many years now, the resentment over workload is more recent. With that said you have a decision to make. Are you willing/able to get some level of pleasure from making me happy or not? If not, then we are in a deadlock. If so, then we need to agree on a frequency that I feel good about and you need to come to bed with a loving heart and a desire to please. 

If you are, I am willing to do my half share around the house starting immediately. Lets define what that is. You also need to accept that for now I know your drive is low and so you will have to simply be happy about having sex because it makes ME happy. I am more than glad to learn how to make it "fun" for you even when you don't start out in the mood. But twice a month is a wholly insufficient level of effort and I am not going to put much more effort into anything you want until we resolve this. 

That said you also need to start telling me what I am doing (aside from the housework) or not doing that could be affecting your desire for me. 






need_help said:


> MEM, yes we have had sex more frequently (2x a month)although not as much as he would like obviously.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> NH,
> That is a starvation diet for a healthy man. If I were him I would handle this situation in a very direct manner. It would go something like this:
> 
> Lets accept some ugly truths here and then try to work around them. Your lack of desire for me is not about housework. So while I am willing to do more housework it is NOT going to make you feel desire. I get that you are resentfull about housework, but our sex life has been bad for many many years now, the resentment over workload is more recent. With that said you have a decision to make. Are you willing/able to get some level of pleasure from making me happy or not? If not, then we are in a deadlock. If so, then we need to agree on a frequency that I feel good about and you need to come to bed with a loving heart and a desire to please.
> ...


MEM, is once a week enough? 

NH, I know it is not fair for you to do a lot of the house chores and you have resentment towards your husband. 

But will it be better for you to lose him?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

At 47 once a week "would be" enough but only because:
- Quality is outstanding
- W is super nice, affectionate, loving out of bed - lots of touch, back scratches and back massages

Hey - I didn't say we only "do it" once a week. I said I would "tolerate" once a week. 

Average lately has been twice a week. Would be very easy for me to be a little pushy and bump that to 3-4 times a week. I think part of the reason I am NOT pushy is I know that on any given night if I tell her it is important to me, she is willing/happy to oblige. Part of it is that her work schedule means a 5:00 AM wakeup call - so when we get in bed later than 10:30 I am more worried about her getting a good night sleep than me getting laid. And she has been volunteering on the weekend for the last 2 months. Tonight is the last of her volunteering work    





greenpearl said:


> MEM, is once a week enough?
> 
> NH, I know it is not fair for you to do a lot of the house chores and you have resentment towards your husband.
> 
> But will it be better for you to lose him?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> At 47 once a week "would be" enough but only because:
> - Quality is outstanding
> - W is super nice, affectionate, loving out of bed - lots of touch, back scratches and back massages
> 
> ...


You are a very considerate and loving husband, my husband is the same, when I feel low or tired, even though he is horny, he will not push me for sex. The more understanding he is, the more I want to please him, so even though I don't feel like having sex, I still open my legs for him, I love him. 

When you love a man, you just do whatever you can to make him happy!!!

For me, even though I am tired, opening my legs is not that difficult....................................


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## osavo (Oct 17, 2010)

Wow... I just joined moments ago because I feel like I'm living the husband side of this story. We've been married for 16/17 years. (We eloped exactly 1 year before our Catholic wedding.) Pre-marriage and through that elopement year of marriage was the hottest sex of my life. Granted, we were young (early twenties)... still. 3 to 4 times a day was fairly common for us, and she was the driver. 

After the full wedding,frequency and intensity plummeted (down to 'normal' levels). But things steadily declined over the years from there. We had 3 children in there too, but the last pregnancy was over nearly 5 years ago.

I joined this group this weekend because it marks a full year since we last had sex. When I ask her why, she talks about RESENTMENT. To be honest, I just don't understand.

A little more background:
In bed, I love satisfying her. In fact, I prefer to help her have at least one 'big-O' during foreplay (and hopefully a second or third during or after sex).
I do help around the house. I cook dinner more often than she does, vacuum, dust, do dishes, and all the outside work. I've also offered to do laundry, but she turned me down there.

About 6 months ago, I read that "5 Love Languages" book by Gary Chapman. That book makes a lot of sense to me. It suggests that we tend to love our spouses in ways we want to be loved. However, they need to be loved in the ways they feel love. IOW, if she needs Quality Time to feel loved, I'm really not loving her by giving her a ton of Physical Touch. So, I took the time to determine her top two languages, confirmed them with her, and stepped up my attention in those areas. Theoretically, that should have inspired her to love me in the ways I need, but that hasn't happened.

About resentment...
I work from home while she has to report to work everyday. When she was pregnant with our third child, I was keeping the two oldest at home (2½ & 1yo at the time). I did a ton of early home-schooling with them and of course... personal care, shifting my work day to start when she got home.

Her first point of resentment is that I didn't help with the kids in the evenings.

My job is co-founder of a start-up company. We had to live for a few years with me making little or no income. During that time, we drained our financial resources and then started filling the gaps with credit. The company has turned the corner to pay me a higher salary than I would find elsewhere. Still, her second point of resentment is the financial hole I've put us in.

To start turning things around for the company, I had to travel a lot. For a 4-6 month stretch, about 2 years ago, I had to travel about 50%. Gone a week at a time, and always home on weekends. Her third point of resentment is the amount of time I was gone during that time.


These are things I can't do anything about. When I ask about how we can fix us she replies that she simply can't get passed the resentment.

I've stopped trying to have sex with her because rejection is both expected and painful.

To: need_help
Caution. I'm at a point now where I might just feel justified in having a fling. That would take the pressure off of her and our relationship. Of course, with 3 kids and a company to run (I'm *really* into my kids and their activities) I just don't have time!

Also, a question on resentment. What can I do to help her get passed it?

-osavo


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

hold ur horses, flings are a 2-edged sword, u get ur fix but at the same time ur gonna ruin ur marriage...

anyway, 1st question, is she having a very stressful job?


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## need_help (Mar 25, 2010)

Osavo, thank you for sharing a husband's side of this. I commend you for doing what you have done to help your marriage. My husband would NEVER attempt to fix our marriage by reading a relationship advice book. I myself have read the 5 Love Languages book and have learned that my husband's primary love language is physical touch, which is not a huge surprise to me.

Over the last few days, I have realized that I resent my husband not only because of not helping with housework but for other reasons as well. We live next door to my inlaws, who I don't exactly like. My inlaws have contributed to many of our fights. They are alcoholics and are toxic to me and my husband.

Another reason for my resent is the fact that my husband has a hobby in which he is gone over the weekends a lot. I do understand that he deserves the time away but I feel jealous that he gets this time for himself and I don't.

I guess these are things that I just need to work through but I am scared that I will never be able to let go.



osavo said:


> When I ask about how we can fix us she replies that she simply can't get passed the resentment.


Osavo, has your wife considered individual counseling? It sounds to me that she is not making significant efforts to improve your marriage. Has she just simply given up? Maybe it is time to ask her this.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

NH,
These are all genuinely valid points of resentment that you have. You are clearly a smart person. I would suggest you quietly go off and ask yourself a question. You don't need to share the answer here - but in all fairness to yourself and your H you need to at least be honest with you and with him.

If you have these legitimate issues why don't you directly address them with him?

A very very common problem when a spouse loses sexual desire is that they "reverse engineer" the reason for the loss of desire. 

So instead of admitting "I just don't find you desirable" and then really focusing on that - which is scary because it may not be fixable. They go into "you are really annoying me/making me resentfull mode"

This allows them to say "I have this huge reservoir of things I am angry about and I don't know if I can ever get over them" and the implication is and therefore I doubt I will ever desire you. 

The thing is that approach is abusive. Because he may try to "fix" this never ending list of stuff you will come up with because you don't like having sex with him. 

I re-read your initial post. It started out with you saying your H is a really good guy. Suddenly faced with the idea of having sex with him - he isn't such a good guy anymore. 





need_help said:


> Osavo, thank you for sharing a husband's side of this. I commend you for doing what you have done to help your marriage. My husband would NEVER attempt to fix our marriage by reading a relationship advice book. I myself have read the 5 Love Languages book and have learned that my husband's primary love language is physical touch, which is not a huge surprise to me.
> 
> Over the last few days, I have realized that I resent my husband not only because of not helping with housework but for other reasons as well. We live next door to my inlaws, who I don't exactly like. My inlaws have contributed to many of our fights. They are alcoholics and are toxic to me and my husband.
> 
> ...


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Women are masters at resentment. The levels that the genotype XX can take resentment are what stuff legends are made of.

Well, let me tell you the outcome of this as I was a husband in similiar circumstances.

Mostly likely (and I'll keep the forum posted as we have a matrimonial panel hearing in 10 days):

1. Losing her kids 3 days one week, 4 days next week. But she gets a break from housework. Hopefully this abates her sense of resentment from having doing housework. She make the house a virtual museum while the kids are gone and she can kick up her feet in an empty house, or with her new man.

I don't mean anything snide by that. . .seriously, she gets this, around my work schedule.

2. Losing 40-50% of her equity in the house, payable to me. She may have to sell the only home my kids have known, unless her family or boyfriend bail her out.

3. Losing an income to the house, unless the boyfriend makes it up. She may owe me $50/week in child support or something nominal.

This is "end game" of resentment (divorce). Of course, apply your own circumstances. I lose things too on my side, but then again, I wasn't the one with resentment and anger.

Oh, she also gets a break from the holidays every other year, as I know she resented the work from that. She can have an empty house or have a "weird holiday" over at someone else's house and celebrate it with someone else's kids (her boyfriend's daughter or whatever).

Good luck.

I"m sorry for my snottyness. . .but I guess my patience with women and the complaining about the housework killing the sex drive has reached my maximum. Cause you know what? There are women who come home to dirty houses, and fussy kids everyday and guess what? At the end of the day, they get naked with their man.

I think we as a society are allowed to tell men (hell, we command it of men) to stop being "whiney" but women. . .we kind of let little girls and big girls whine.

You don't want housework? Then don't get a house. Live in a dorm or something.

You don't want kids work? Then don't have kids. They have operations for that and other birth control.

It's really that simple. Yes, men need to get off their butts and jump in but women need to stop whining too.

I think the problem may be this forum can often be a little too psychobabbley and maybe we need the sensitivity of Judge Judy here.

I'll probably regret posting this.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

LOL
chill scannerguard! just pray n hope ur wife wont know u wrote this! LOL


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## need_help (Mar 25, 2010)

:scratchhead: Wow, seriously? 

I came on this board asking for HELP. Wondering if what I was feeling was normal. Obviously I'm getting the majority of the responses from men that have been on the other side of this. Basically what I'm hearing from *most* of you is, get over your anger and just put out! So are you saying just go into bed with my legs wide open and have my husband do his deed so he won't divorce me???? Seriously...is this what you're telling me?

MEM, I never said my husband was a bad person. I HAVE talked to him about these issues over the last eight years. I haven't just secretly found things to hold against him so I wouldn't have sex with him.

I have NO sex drive...with him OR anyone else.

Is there any women out there that have been in the same boat as me? What did you do to overcome this?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Please separate out your responses to individual posts/posters. I never once suggested you spread your legs and suck it up. 

I have never been on the other side of this table. My W has always been great about sex - she is a great life partner and an incredible sexual partner. So this is not me "taking his side" because I am unhappy with how my W treats me.

And this is NOT a "shut up and put out" message. What it boils down to is this:
- There are things that directly effect desire. They can be scary to talk about. I think you may be avoiding them. 
- There are things that make you resentful of the other person and yes those "can" ADD to sexual problems.

But if your goal is to have a happy marriage then you need to sit down with H and tell him that you WILL have sex with him if he fixes the issues that really matter to you. 

Because I can assure you that the "I might" be willing to have sex if you can fix "insert long difficult list of issues" here and give me an open ended amount of time to get past my resentment - well that approach is not going to produce a happy marriage. It may produce a bitter divorce.

If he is a bad guy divorce him. If he is a good guy with some issues - you need to fix the plane while flying it. 

If you want empathy I will drop out of the thread. If you want to focus on problem solving - glad to try to help. 




need_help said:


> :scratchhead: Wow, seriously?
> 
> I came on this board asking for HELP. Wondering if what I was feeling was normal. Obviously I'm getting the majority of the responses from men that have been on the other side of this. Basically what I'm hearing from *most* of you is, get over your anger and just put out! So are you saying just go into bed with my legs wide open and have my husband do his deed so he won't divorce me???? Seriously...is this what you're telling me?
> 
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Scannerguard said:


> Cause you know what? There are women who come home to dirty houses, and fussy kids everyday and guess what? At the end of the day, they get naked with their man.


Very true, In fact, If I did not get the sex from him, I would not want to do any of my dishes and probably be more grouchy with my kids!


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## osavo (Oct 17, 2010)

malmale said:


> 1st question, is she having a very stressful job?


Depends which job you're talking about. Her professional job is pretty cush, but she also has the thankless job of being the mother of 3! This is a *very* rich topic, worthy of another thread by itself.

Knowing this, I've offered many times to give her a break... send her on a vacation (just her and her sister/friend) to Vegas, or allow me to take the kids to visit relatives for a week (or a month) while she vacations in our own home. She always turns down the offer. I take every opportunity to teach the kids to be more respectful and appreciative of their mother. They are _great_ kids, but they're still kids (7, 6, & 4½). And when she gets really stressed about them, I take over (if she wants me to).

About the only thing she does for herself is going to get massages regularly.



need_help said:


> Osavo, has your wife considered individual counseling? It sounds to me that she is not making significant efforts to improve your marriage. Has she just simply given up? Maybe it is time to ask her this.


About a month ago I suggested that we talk to someone. Her response: "I've seen a counselor and I can't get passed the resentment." I don't know how hard she tried in this counseling; it may have simply been an outlet to complain about me. Not sure what to think since it went nowhere. I do believe this kind of counseling would be horribly ineffective without input from both of us. I'd be willing to make time for this. In fact, getting insight from this forum is my final step before finding a counselor and asking her to join me.

She has said that sex in our marriage is not an issue for her because she doesn't need it. It seems everything else in our marriage is fine, so perhaps she just isn't motivated to do anything about this.



need_help said:


> Over the last few days, I have realized that I resent my husband not only because of not helping with housework but for other reasons as well... inlaws... hobbies... etc.


This feedback is a bit of an eye-opener for me. Thanks a bundle for this! It suggests that there may be more to her resentment that she simply cannot articulate (for whatever reason).

FWIW, I have no hobbies or 'drinking buddies'. Work is not as intense as it was 2-4 years ago, and I use any 'free' time to spend with her and/or the kids. Don't get me wrong; I do still work a lot. But that effort is directly related to relieving another stress point, our finances. (Catch-22)

Anyway, after reading the 5-languages book, I went through a couple-month period of asking her every Friday "What can I do to woo you? You can I do this weekend to make you feel completely loved." She appreciated my efforts, but I soon got extra frustrated because I continued to receive none of what I need (Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch).

After reading your post NH, I'm wondering if I was asking the wrong question. I'm wondering how you would feel if you're husband asked you, out of the blue..."I know I do things that cause you to resent me, but I really need your help to understand what those things are. Can you tell me what I can do to subside your resentment?" Do you think you'd be able to provide constructive feedback, or would your resentment drive you to respond harshly? Would you be able to communicate your issues to him, or would you leave some critical points out? Do you think such a move would help you make progress if he was sincere in asking and willing to 'fix' whatever you told him?

-osavo


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

need_help said:


> I have NO sex drive...with him OR anyone else.


 The fact you do not have it towards anyone is a telling sign. 
I really feel this could be a Hormonal issue. It is NOT your fault, how can we help what our body does, but none the less, it can destroy an otherwise healthy marraige if we allow our NON drive to rule over what our spouses need from us. 

Please do take the initiative to see a Doctor & get your hormones checked. If you take hormonal birth control or depression drugs, this can also reak havoc on your sex drive. Whatever it takes to bring you closer to him, you are his sole outlet for this, men need to be loved & touched by their wives on regualr willing basis, or they WILL become very resentful , get lost in porn or worse.

***** Oh sorry, I didnt' originally read all of these replies, I see you was on some meds , tested and still no drive. I have heard of some women getting "testosterone cream" from their doctors and this was a true cure for their lacking sexual desire, it was all back in force.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I wasn't saying to spread your legs and put out. I was saying like Judge Judy says:

"You see this foot? You see it? I'm putting it in your tookis!!!!"

I am saying, "Get over yourself" - the ol' "I can't get over the resentment."

Why do you resent him? Because the house is dirty? Becuase you have fussy kids?

Two things will solve that:

1. Merry Maids
2. A babysitter

Here we go from the women now. . .let's have the perfectly formed collegiate essays on why a cleaning woman (or man, I'm an equal opportunity household help guy) isn't right for you. I know the excuses because in my chiro. practice I have a lot of cleaning women for patients and it's always fun to listen to talk about having to deal with the women of the houses they clean.

Mind you, it's never the man of the house.

If it's money, well, a cleaning lady is a lot cheaper than a divorce attorney - trust me.

The point is, for some reason, some women (some, operative word) get something out of being difficult. There is some "secondary gain" is the psychological term.

Okay, if you are living in squalor, I can get it that it would kill your sex drive. If you were caring for Lorenzo in Lorenzo's Oil, I can see how taking care of a child could kill a marriage (the movie touched on that).

After that, as Judge Scannerguard, I am not accepting any more excuses from women.

Instead, I am putting my foot in your tookis.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

We do not have the "I have all these resentments conversations" because we deal with things as they happen AND because if my W gave me the "I have years of resentment built up over X" my response would be - "that is on you. I have always been engaged and responsive. I am fair. If you let things go that bothered you - YOU need to deal with that"

But I bring my A game to the table most days so if that isn't good enough I would sadly accept that and move on. If my A game isn't good enough than I am just not with the right person. 






Scannerguard said:


> I wasn't saying to spread your legs and put out. I was saying like Judge Judy says:
> 
> "You see this foot? You see it? I'm putting it in your tookis!!!!"
> 
> ...


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

hey osavo, ever tried giving her a good sensual scrub/massage urself? get some scented candles, get some massage oil, get a video and practice some technics, i think this might do the trick! 

or if ur unsure about what kinda massage suits her, have u tried couple spa before?


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## osavo (Oct 17, 2010)

malmale said:


> hey osavo, ever tried giving her a good sensual scrub/massage urself? get some scented candles, get some massage oil, get a video and practice some technics, i think this might do the trick!
> 
> or if ur unsure about what kinda massage suits her, have u tried couple spa before?


Actually, yes... I got that T-shirt.  Got a video a while back, and I'm sure we still have a stash of oil around here.

Ya know... haven't done this recently (assuming she just doesn't want to be touched), but it just may be worth a try now. Thanks for the tip!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> We do not have the "I have all these resentments conversations" because we deal with things as they happen AND because if my W gave me the "I have years of resentment built up over X" my response would be - "that is on you. I have always been engaged and responsive. I am fair. If you let things go that bothered you - YOU need to deal with that"
> 
> But I bring my A game to the table most days so if that isn't good enough I would sadly accept that and move on. If my A game isn't good enough than I am just not with the right person.


MEM,

I have learned not to bottle things up. 

For us women, something is interesting here, normally we are not bothered by something small, we don't even know that it is bothering us. But during the days before our period, tiny things can trigger our nerve and we explode. 

I remember very clearly at the beginning of our marriage, my husband spent his time in front of the computer a lot, during my normal days, it didn't bother me. But one day I just started to become very annoyed and I lashed out on my husband. My husband was like: How come you didn't tell me before if this is bothering you? I could have cut off my computer time. Two or three days later, my period came. 

I have learned to tell my husband right away now if what he is doing is making me annoyed. The sweet thing is: after many years together, we know each other very well now, we know what we like and what we don't like, we avoid the unpleasant stuff, we do things to make each other happy. 

My husband is great at communicating. He really knows how to handle me!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The day or 2 before my W's period I give her more slack. She needs it 




greenpearl said:


> MEM,
> 
> I have learned not to bottle things up.
> 
> ...


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## osavo (Oct 17, 2010)

malmale said:


> hey osavo, ever tried giving her a good sensual scrub/massage urself? get some scented candles, get some massage oil, get a video and practice some technics, i think this might do the trick!


Rejected. I had just finished helping her fold the kids clothes when I read your suggestion. I left the computer and found the bottle of massage oil on her nightstand (a standing dustball due to lack of use).

She was in bed already, TXTing on her phone (I figured, to one of her sisters) when she saw me grab the bottle. She asked what I was doing. I offered her the back rub. She turned down the offer, finished with her phone, and went to sleep.

Today, she said that she was just really tired.


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## need_help (Mar 25, 2010)

osavo said:


> She has said that sex in our marriage is not an issue for her because she doesn't need it. It seems everything else in our marriage is fine, so perhaps she just isn't motivated to do anything about this.


Does she think that everything in the marriage is ok, including the fact that you haven't had sex in over a year? Have you told her how you feel about this? If my husband was considering having an affair I would certainly want to know the reason why. Perhaps this is the kick in the butt she needs in order to work on things.



osavo said:


> After reading your post NH, I'm wondering if I was asking the wrong question. I'm wondering how you would feel if you're husband asked you, out of the blue..."I know I do things that cause you to resent me, but I really need your help to understand what those things are. Can you tell me what I can do to subside your resentment?" Do you think you'd be able to provide constructive feedback, or would your resentment drive you to respond harshly? Would you be able to communicate your issues to him, or would you leave some critical points out? Do you think such a move would help you make progress if he was sincere in asking and willing to 'fix' whatever you told him?


Good questions. I think I would be able to bring up the points again to him of the reasons for some of the resentment, but I do think that I would hold back on some level to avoid hurting him further.

On that note, I am currently trying to figure out if there's something else besides resentment that is contributing to my avoidance of sex with him. As MEM alluded to earlier, part of my issues could be due to the fact of simply not being physically attracted to him any more. If this is indeed true, this scares me. Is this something that can be overcome?


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

osavo said:


> Rejected. I had just finished helping her fold the kids clothes when I read your suggestion. I left the computer and found the bottle of massage oil on her nightstand (a standing dustball due to lack of use).
> 
> She was in bed already, TXTing on her phone (I figured, to one of her sisters) when she saw me grab the bottle. She asked what I was doing. I offered her the back rub. She turned down the offer, finished with her phone, and went to sleep.
> 
> Today, she said that she was just really tired.


well dont feel down, how in the world would she know that ur planning something? try this the next time, before u do it, maybe text her earlier of the day that u have something special for her for the evening. after lunch, send another text, sorta "remind" her to clear all the schedules for tonite. 
then later in the nite, treat her to a fine dinner (with or without the kids), even better if u may try to cook together with ur kids, prepare something special, let them bake a cake with icing topping that says "World's best mommy"

then once dessert is over, tell her softly before she does anything else, darlin, u remember the surprise that i was telling u earlier, well, that wasnt it...

let her ask u, let her want to know more and what other surprise plans u still have in store for her.

final execution all in ur hands 

oh yeah, dont fret if the plan doesnt work, ur just doing things to get each other happy together, nothing to lose and u should take this as a challenge! :smthumbup:


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## osavo (Oct 17, 2010)

MalMale, thanks for the advice. However, now things are completely different. This evening, I discovered that *she* is having an affair, and I suspect she's had a few in the past 3½ years.

She doesn't know that I know.

Re: let her know that I've thought about cheating because she has withheld sex from me
Even before this evening's discovery, that would be a no-win play. In one scenario, she might give in and have obligatory sex with me. That would be horrible, like consensual rape. The other scenario is that she calls my bluff. "If you wanna have an affair, go on ahead!" Where would that leave me? I'm frustrated enough to cheat, but I probably wouldn't have the heart.

Anyway, the goal has now changed. It's no longer about getting sex from the woman I love, it's about keeping this family together for the sake of these three incredible kids.

Thanks all, for the feedback and insight. I'll stick that surprise massage idea in my back-pocket with hopes to use it someday.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

sorry to hear about it, but how did u find out?


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

need_help said:


> MEM, I do currently lead a somewhat healthy lifestyle. My eating could be a little better, but I'm working on that. I exercise about 4 times a week but need to ramp that up to 6 days for health reasons (high cholesterol), and as you suggested, for mental benefits.
> 
> I have talked to my psychiatrist about going off of the meds, and she was agreeable. But I just haven't taken that step yet because I am afraid. I've been on them for 6 years now and maybe it's time for me to just do it.



Perhaps do not go to a psychiatrist? They will often prescribe away your problems instead of focusing on the underlying cause. They believe that numbing you with the meds helps the sessions so you can get to the cause... I disagree unless its a disorder in which you could cause harm to self or others. A social worker may help you focus in on WHAT is making you so down and out of love, and try to come up with solutions for yourself and your marriage. 6 years is far too long to not see any results... time to move on.

I hear the same disconnect as another poster here... you dont love your husband anymore. It seems that is the internal conflict causing you the "depression" or feeling of being overwhelmed by the internal struggle. Sounds to me like you need to sit down with yourself (or do this while on the treadmill or sidewalk) and really think through if you just feel like you dont love him bc you are resentful or if you truly dont love him. Could it be you are just not in love with him, but still love him? I think resolving that inner conflict will provide relief. If you cant do it alone, get to a social worker, a good one will be able to help you focus your thoughts without the meds.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Need Help... as to your question about not being attracted to him anymore goes to the "in love" ? I asked in my other post. Anything can be overcome, you just have to set your mind to it and do it. 

Actions speak much louder than words. Your actions of avoiding sex have spoken volumes to him, his action of not initiating with you has spoken volumes to you. Change your actions and start building positive communication through them.


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## need_help (Mar 25, 2010)

toolate said:


> Need Help... as to your question about not being attracted to him anymore goes to the "in love" ? I asked in my other post. Anything can be overcome, you just have to set your mind to it and do it.


toolate, thank you for this. I don't think all hope is lost. I need to take the time for myself and figure out exactly what is causing all of this. I do believe I still love him, but as you mentioned, maybe I have fallen out of love with him. He will be gone this weekend and perhaps this will give me some time to refocus.

osavo, I'm sorry about your wife. It sounds like you are very willing to put your marriage back on track. I hope your wife is willing to do the same.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi need help

My husband and I have been married for 8 years, together for 10. We have two children, ages 6 & 3. Both my husband and I work full time outside of the home. My husband is a great person and I know he loves me and our children very much. We are very stressed with the day to day activities of our lives. As with many mothers, I feel that I do the majority of the work around the house as well as taking care of the needs of our children. I feel that I have come to resent him because of this. And yes, I have talked to him about this many times over the last 2 years.

Judith: He may not understand how important is involvement is in the household and how that helps you in sex. 

I suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of both of my kids, and have been on antidepressants ever since. I have attended counseling and during these sessions my therapist recommended my husband attend them as well. He did, but we didn't feel that they helped. I am no longer attending the sessions. Deep down, I wonder if my issues are now stemming from the problems in my marriage. Sometimes I wonder if I still even love my husband...

Judith: The love can be rekindled. 

The last time we had sex was 6 months ago. Wow, I am cringing just typing this. I have no desire whatsoever to have sex with him. Previous to that episode 6 months ago, we maybe at the MOST had sex once a month. So this has been going on for a long time now. He has not initiated sex with me since the last time we had it. Obviously, I haven't either. I know a side effect of being on the antidepressant is a low libido, but I'm having a hard time pinpointing if that is the reason. I am scared to go off of the medication because I have been on it for so long and don't know my life without it.

Judith: I am on an med and -your depression would just be sky high without the med. 

My husband told me last night that he is unhappy in our marriage, but before we got into a discussion about it my daughter woke up from a nightmare and I ran off to go comfort her and fell asleep. I already know his unhappiness stems from the fact that we don't have sex. We've talked about this many times and every time it's brought up I tell him I'm going to try harder, but I'm just so tired, and it's because of my medication. But nothing changes. It's just a vicious cycle and I am having a hard time breaking it.

Judith: Why not and it is vital taht you do to start with nonsexual touch first. And then sexual touch without intercourse. Put the IC off for while. Women who work either have to schedule it on the calendar weekly or wear sexy clothes to remidn them of it. and especially transition from work person to sexy person wanting sex. The key is he doing any nonsexual touch and writing love notes etc through out the day any nonsexual thing that brings it to a relationship nonsexuallyt for you. Becuase you need as a woman the talk and feeling close nonsexually before you can have any inkling in wanting sex since sex at this stage is faltering. IN time you dont have to follow the scheduleing but it is a guideline to help you to do it even if on the day you dont you can make it the next day... You need some sexual foreplay/nonsexual through out the day to open the door for you as a woman. 

I feel that he resents me because of the lack of sex and in turn he is distancing himself from me. He is so angry and uptight lately and I am afraid he is going to leave me and/or have an affair.

Jduith: That is possible but if you can let him know about the above and start from there. IT is vital that you both are doing nonsexual even if the sexual is not there for now. 

I know the most obvious answer to my dilemma would be to just have sex with him but it is not that easy for me. How can I try to get closer to him without jumping in the sack right away? Plus, since he hasn't initiated sex with me maybe he has already given up?

Jduith: No not as a woman and no since your working and taking care of the house and all. Does he know that if he does some form of housework that that can turn you on in some form. 

Thoughts? 

Judith


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