# Wife tried to read forum posts



## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

So I left the website on the laptop on by mistake, and this morning I noticed my wife was reading my posts. I asked her not to read them because this is the one place I come for solid advice and support. She got upset and asked why the hell I asked her to join the website last week. I told her if she wanted or needed any help getting threw anything to join, and that I did not want her to join, or come to the forums just to read my posts. Did I do the right thing here? Or should I let her read my posts? I figured this was the one thing right now I have. I told her she has no reason to worry, and I asked her if I ever did anything to make her worry. She said no, and I said I would let her read them once I feel like we are making progress.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I think if the two of you want to work things out then it's not a bad idea to both come here and talk through your feelings with others who have also experienced what you are.
Tell her you are happy that she is open to doing what it takes from any source to help you get through the marriage rebuild.
Tell her it's a positive in your books, but you should say in order to get the help you need on an individual basis you should do it without reading each others threads for now.......
When you are past the crucial points then the two of you can go through each others threads and discuss all the feelings that you each have.......that is down the road a bit..
It's a great place for support and it just helps knowing that we aren't alone in this ........that others can understand the pain we live with each day.......they give us the strength to go on and kick us when we are lazy and unwilling.
She will also see the benefit if she goes in with an open mind and the attitude to fix a broken situation......
Just a little bump in the road......


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## Mustang! (Jan 17, 2011)

My wife found my posts when she was looking through the site. I didnt tell her my name or even that I was posting here. She just say my thread and knew it was mine. 

So far its helped us to bring new discussions into the open. There's time where I post something on here, then when my wife is ready she'll ask me about it. Its kind of a easy way to give her some space, but at the same time let her know whats on my mind. 

In my situation I've been pushing the subject too far by demanding answers and progress.. This only pushed my wife further away and only caused more problems. So now this lets her come to me when she's ready. I know its not common practice to give any power to the DS but I dont like the idea of giving or taking power. I cant control her and I dont ever intend to. 

Sometimes I wish that she didnt check my posts.. But I dont really have a reason to want that. I realize that I cant ask her to completely open, but at the same time keep my posts here a secret. 

Its not like I'm saying anything on here that I wouldnt want my wife to know anyways. 

But every situation is diferent. Yours might be one in which its better to keep your threads to yourself. But dont ever keep it secret. Its good that she knows you post here but that doesnt mean she has to read it.. Just let her know that you need a place to vent. There is a diference between private and secret.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

The very same reasons they cheat lead to this behavior.

She is MORE concerned with what you are doing rather than addressing her own issues, and helping you heal.

She is worried that you will make friends, possibly flirt, talk about her....etc.

Add that to her cheating, and HORRIBLE no contact letter and I feel you should just divorce her.

I normally don't make a recommendation like this, but I am very familiar with your wife's behavior.

She has very serious issues that can only be addressed with long term challenging effort.

Their low self esteem actually prevents productive insights as they are always in defense mode, protecting their fragile egos.
The MOMENT they make any progress, they revert back.
They feel unworthy and need the external validation.
Self saboteurs making their world match their internal voice.

Mine does the same thing and I can tell you...it's a VERY bad sign.

I talked with her about HER snooping over and over to no avail.
Its been 3 years, and she is worse than she ever was......with therapy.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

hi==

i can see how and why you would not want your wife to read anything...but i think it would be a good idea.

she dosent have to sigh up to lurk, and read anyways. to me personally, she should read them, she should sign up and post her own questions.

she should not be threatened by the forum, and she should not be mad at you, but see it as another way to undrestand your thinking, and sometimes why you are mad "today".....


again just me, and my very personal opnion.....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My as well let it happen, there no reason to hide, she'll get on one way or another.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Kinda strange: a lot of posters here bemoan their spouses "privacy" (secrecy), and I find it strange that some want that "privacy" here.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

I would have gave her all the space in the world before everything. Not to mention, I did tell her once I was ready I will share all the posts on here with her. I also told her if she wants help she could make an account and do what she will. Regardless of what she or anyone else thinks on this site I do tell her 95% of everything I bring up on here, and what some of you say. I us this place as a support group, and treat it as such.


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## lonelylyn (Jul 10, 2012)

As a wife of 42 years i can see both sides....I have been guilty of snooping but have found things disturbing also, (not on here). He has many facebook female friends that are younger and he talks to them like i don't even matter. He lives in a fantasy world there because he has no pictures of himself or family and doesn't even use his real name. If you are both on here it would make it easier to talk about things that troubling you both and i don't think there should be secrets.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

IMO it is up to you. If you want to let her into your world let her see what you write. I think that if WS read what some of these BS write on here, they would understand. Maybe not at first but once they are out of the fog and can think straight they could use it to remind themselves exactly what they put their WS through. If you do want to remain anonymous you can always create a new account.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

It's simply unrealistic to expect your wife not reading your post once you pointed her to the site. Unrealistic. Let her read.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Here's the way I see it. If your relationship is over and you are working on a divorce strategy then I can see why you would want to keep things private. But if you're trying to work on a marriage it is imperative that your wife know everything you are thinking and feeling. Why would you want to shut her out when you are trying to get closer together?


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

dead thread ppl, last log in 1/11


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You want your wife to be open and honest and that is what you have to do as well. If you are really commited to R

This could be a good way to have her really understand your feelings, ups, downs, anger, doubts.

Getting her to join should be a positive for you both. I talk about my posts with my wife from time to time. I should do more to encourage her to read them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are going to recover you marriage, you both need to be transparent. So I see nothing wrong with her reading your posts and her reading here.

Really you should be being 100% open with her and telling her exactly what you think and feel. ... without being attacking or mean. 


If you want a divorce then yea, there's a probelm. You would want your privacy then.

YOu can always get privacy by using the PM feature. She will not be able to read those unless you exchange passwords.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Necrobump.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Bigwayneo (the original poster) has not written on this one since January.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

You showed your wife this forum, she knows you post here, and you honestly expected her to 1) not figure out which posts are yours and 2) to not read them?

That's expecting a heck of a lot.


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## oliviapeter31 (Nov 19, 2012)

Hi..I think what you are doing is definitely right. But, you have to tell her the reason you are not showing her the website.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

If the affair is on going the WS must not be told of any web site where you are getting help to get proof, catch WS, get WS to end the affair and go NC.

Never let the enemy know your battle plans.

However the affair is dead. NC is in place these web sites can be of great help to the WS as well to recover from the affair.

Initially it is best to stay off of each others threads for a short while. It does no good for the BS seeing the WS trying to excuse what happened.

Just as bad for the WS to see the BS anger at the WS because the BS needs a safe place to vent. Then it does not help the WS to see other's here call the WS a ho, POSOM, etc.


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## AngelHeart888 (Jun 21, 2016)

I can understand your concerns, and I hear where you're coming from. But I can also see why your wife would be concerned about keeping secrets from her. Especially when she pretty much knows that you are discussing your marriage, and that you're talking about her. It seems natural that she would be curious and want to know what you're posting.
It seems to me you might want to have more communication with your wife -- open, honest communication -- in a way that doesn't leave her wondering/mistrustful about what you are saying to an audience of what is, essentially, anonymous strangers, since this is the kind of thing that, in my opinion would increase one's insecurity in a marriage.
Try putting yourself in her shoes. Think how you might feel (keeping in mind that not everyone is the same,) if she was talking about you in a secret forum which you were not allowed to see.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Um........ this thread is almost 4 years old.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hi, AngelHeart888. Welcome to the forums. 

The thread you have discovered is several years old.

I think it was abandoned by the thread poster a long, long time ago.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Bigwayneo said:


> So I left the website on the laptop on by mistake, and this morning I noticed my wife was reading my posts. I asked her not to read them because this is the one place I come for solid advice and support. She got upset and asked why the hell I asked her to join the website last week. I told her if she wanted or needed any help getting threw anything to join, and that I did not want her to join, or come to the forums just to read my posts. Did I do the right thing here? Or should I let her read my posts? I figured this was the one thing right now I have. I told her she has no reason to worry, and I asked her if I ever did anything to make her worry. She said no, and I said I would let her read them once I feel like we are making progress.


If you want a healthy relationship with this woman you guys can't have secrets. Posts that are secret from her are secrets you shouldn't keep. Be an open book and expect the same from her.


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