# I'm TOO insecure



## SIAS5727 (Feb 2, 2010)

Hey,

I'm a 21 year old female. I have a bit of a probelm. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and in the beginning everything was great and I wasn't as insecure, I felt pretty normal and great. However, six months into the relationship he asked me about my past and I told him that about 2 years before we even met, I'd given oral sex to a guy who was friends with him too at the time. This made him so, so, so upset and jealous, but most of all he lost his trust in me because he expected that I'd tell him I'd been involved with a mutual friend, even if it had happened long before we met.

Ever since he doesn't trust me and I guess trust issues are contagious. Or not? I don't know, but I've grown increasingly insecure. Too much, so much actually that he says he's sick of me and sometimes wishes he hadn't met me. Yet he says he finds it too difficult to break up.

I too find it difficult, but I love him a lot. That's what I don't get. One day he'll be like "I love you so much" and then the next, if I have an insecurity outburst he'll be like "Sometimes I feel like I hate you, as a matter of fact I don't even know if I love you anymore". And he won't talk to me for a while. So I don't know if he actually loves me and wants to be with me or not.

I just feel like I can't control it. I feel like every other girl is better than me. Smarter than me, funnier than me, prettier than me, more trustworthy than me. So I get jealous of every other girl. And if for some reason I nag him about it and he seems like he's defending her, I feel even worst which only makes things well... worse. He says it's not about other people, it's about me and that I'm the one with the problem. All I want is for him to be a bit more reassuring, but he says he is not responsible of fixing my issues, and that he's already put up with too much what with my lies and insecurities, and that he's tired of it.

I even get jealous of his celebrity crushes and porn. I hate thinking that he believes this women are more attractive. I once asked him and he told me that yes they are more attractive, because they have to. I just hate thinking that they fulfill in him something that I can't. I hate thinking that he fantasizes about having sex with them, that if they have nude scenes in movies (there is a particular actress he likes who always does nudity and has a really great body even though she's over 40... a body that looks nothing like mine BTW) he gets turned on by them. I just wish I was the most attractive in his eyes. I've always had self image issues, and knowing that he thinks they're prettier and sexier makes me feel worthless. I obsess over this. The other day I tried looking at his history, and he got upset, and deleted it before I could see it. He just doesn't answer any of my questions or does anything to make me feel more secure. He's just like "So what if I find them hotter? I'll never meet them, so what? Just let me find them hotter, it doesn't affect us".

Now he also wants to start going out on boys nights out. I feel really bad about this, especially since I have no close friends (when I started college three years ago I lost all my old friends, and the new people I've met either don't go out partying, or we just don't click like I did with my old friends). I also don't go out because I know he doesn't trust me and I'd have to deal with a lot of questions and mistrust afterwards so I don't bother.

I can't talk to him about it. He says I nag too much and that if he wants to go out, he'll go out and I shouldn't nag because he won't cheat on me. I know he won't, it just makes me feel left out and boring, and I'm afraid that while he won't cheat, he may meet a funnier/sexier/smarter/more trustworthy girl. Who knows? Most of his friends are single, so they're usually around a lot of single girls.

I just really feel like I hate myself. I just can't see myself as pretty because I'm not like his celebrity crushes who are a lot more beautiful even if they're airbrushed or whatever, I'm sure they still look better than me without all the airbrushing. I just hate thinking that he gets turned on by them, and I'm just average. I feel boring, uninteresting, etc. I'm just so insecure and he doesn't understand me.

I don't know what to do. Counselling has been of absolutely no help so far... am I destined to be alone?


----------



## J34 (Jan 10, 2010)

it is weird how at first in the relationship , youre fine and the more you get involved the more insecurities seem to appear almost like out of nowhere. that started to happen to me for a little while, really you just have to start working on yourself and your self image. you can't force him to think you are the most attractive woman out there, all you can do is make sure to stay healthy and in shape and just overall take care of yourself. don't let yourself go just because your comfortable and have been with this guy for a long time. still get ready and look your best when you go out, this should bring your confidence back up and once you've got that again, your boyfriend and the rest of the world will notice it. remember...there are always going to be beautiful girls out there and thats never going to stop so why not be one of them. youre young and in your prime- take full advantage of that 
good luck


----------



## SIAS5727 (Feb 2, 2010)

Well, I don't know if I can be one of them. I'm just not naturally or effortlessly beautiful like most of them who can be without make up and look gorgeous. I've been bullied all my life over being ugly, so I know it's not just my imagination (that's a sperate issue though).


----------



## J34 (Jan 10, 2010)

usually the stars that claim to be wearing no makeup have atleast some on just less than what they are usually wearing. whether or not you think you are attractive, EVERYONE has something beautiful about them. you just need to work on loving yourself and just realizing this is the face/body you were given and frankly stuck with, so why not appreciate it. Again, if you work out and stay in shape- this will help a lot on your self image and boost your self confidence. And you got to remember beauty is only skin deep, so if you continue to smile and just have a sweet heart your beauty will shine out to others. and obviously if your guy has been with you this long he sees this beauty. geez i'm your age and already married- when i get insecure i just think of how young my husband and i are and how he didnt have to settle this early and could be with any other beautiful woman he wanted, but he chose me. same with you, your guy is with you for a reason! stop with all this low self esteem- it's just going to irritate your guy and possibly push him away. when you point out your flaws to others they are going to notice, so i say point out all the positive features you have! common GIRL- seriously you can do it, it's not going to happen over night- but slowly start embracing what you've got


----------



## Blah=/ (Aug 23, 2010)

You're probably not even on this website anymore but I'd like to thank you for sharing your story I know all too well what you are talking about almost word for word. I just got married in may and husband and i dated for 4 yrs. I was insecure have been for as long as i can remember. But it got worse way worse after we got married. I was a virgin and was really really insecure about my body. he still has never seen me naked I'm too ashamed that my body doesn't look like what he looks at. He finds these celebrities super attractive and i can understand, they're way pretty and seemingly perfect. Last week I caught my husband in a lie. he started a facebook account and only had two friends. a guy friend of him that lives like 7 hours away and his ex crush that now lives in mexico. she's 20 i'm 24 she's a partier i'm not she's obviously secure about her body because she doesn't mind flaunting. I'm more conservative and I just can't compare. when I saw that he had added her I freaked. why did he add her, he's married and i have enough respect to not talk to my ex crushes or ex bf's! I was so upset because I asked him why? and if he was unhappy he sad no and he said he doesn't know why he was just CURIOUS... Well that got my mind racing! I had to leave because I was pissed! So I left the house and just cried because I felt inadequate. I felt like I was failing as a wife I felt like I'm a newlywed and i'm already losing my husbands interest?! I just felt crappy and left. I went to my best friends house and calmed down I went back home and didn't tell him. all i was thinking was i need to make an effort because I doen't want my marriage to fail. I open the front door quitely to surprise him i guess but i ended up surprising myself. I walked in and the tv was on but he wasn't in the living room. I looked over and saw a video of a naked girl on my computer screen. I was devestated. I couldn't say anything he looked back and saw me and I was balling and I ran out. blah blah blah we fianlly went back into the house and I told him to show me his history. and over and over it said that he was viewing those pictures of his ex crush. after he went on a porn site and watched some. it makes me want to cry but all i could think was he was so turned on by his ex that he had to watch porn??? i feel even more insecure I don't know what to do. he wants to work things out but i'm hurting. I asked if he was attracted to her he said "i don't want to lie, yes I am she's a beautiful girl" my god I was short of breath when he said that i felt like I was hit hard. it literally made my heart ache. i feel like i can't measure up. i can't get his words out of my head. he signed us up for expensive counseling which stresses me out even more beacuse he wants to work things out. I'm afraid to go because I think it's just going to be a bash session on me. i know i have these insecurities but now they are affecting my marriage, i feel like a failure.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

These actresses spend millions each year to look as they do in public. I've met a few when they weren't on the job and they looked average at best and they weren't particularly pleasant. What he's looking at isn't real. It's just a commercial illusion. You are real so there can be no competition. You aren't a weight or a breast size. You are an intelligent, caring human being who deserves love and respect. Anyone worth having will fall in love with what's inside you. Your outside will change, but their love will remain solid because they will love you like a dog or a kid loves, not for what you look like and not for what you have, but for who you are. I don't think anyone falls in love with someone's exterior. You can lust pretty hard but to love a person you have to see, know, and appreciate their inner beauty. That's where the best part of people resides. If you don't sell out for someone who just thinks you're "hot", you will find a guy who loves you completely, through zits, fat rolls, bad breath, wrinkles, hideous scars, whatever. You won't feel insecure with that guy. You won't feel in competition with any other woman and you won't feel as if you have to daily jump through hoops for the guy's approval. I hope you don't accept less.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I have insecurity issues myself. Mine were really starting to get out of control. Then one day, after my boyfriend and I had had an argument and somehow came to an agreement to lay out all our expectations of each other, I realized that my insecurities were stupid and pointless, and he'd never once done anything to encourage them. I was always worried he'd cheat or lie, because my ex did, but nothing that my boyfriend did would make me think he'd do that. It was all based on what an ex did. I realized that if he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't be. He loves me and that's why he's with me. I look at all the ways our lives are intertwined, from sharing a car insurance policy to our movies mixed together in the entertainment center, I look at how complicated breaking up would be, and I realize that if he didn't want this relationship, our lives wouldn't be so intertwined and breaking up would be easier, because he'd have done it long before this. Now, when I get insecure and start having doubts, I just look at all of these things again, and it reminds me that my insecurities are my own issue and are completely unfounded and unnecessary. 

With that said, though, the fact that these came up seemingly out of nowhere makes me think perhaps there's a reason for it. He found out about you being intimate with someone he knows before you two got together. First of all, I'm not entirely sure why he would decide this makes you untrustworthy. It was before you two met, and frankly, while I do believe in total honesty, it would never occur to me to lay out every single detail of my sexual past unless he asked for them. Adding in everything else you've said, I kind of feel that he has contributed to your insecurities. Telling you that he finds porn stars more attractive than you...that's hurtful. I wouldn't want my boyfriend to tell me that. Of course, I also wouldn't push that issue, so that was your mistake there. 

While you try to figure out how to deal with your insecurities, I'd like you to ask yourself this: Why do you want to be with this guy? What do you get out of this relationship? What is he giving you that no one else can? See, I can answer those questions with no problem: I love my boyfriend, he's there for me when I need him, he loves me, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel beautiful and wonderful, he gives me hope for a wonderful future together. If you can't answer those questions relatively easily, or if you can't answer them with some pretty in depth, extensive answers, then maybe it's time to stop worrying so much about to deal with your insecurity and start figuring out how to get this man out of your life so you can find someone about whom you can easily and extensively answer those questions. And then work on your insecurities after he's gone.


----------

