# At the end of my rope



## Roomy

Hi there, Is there a good person with fantastic advice out there? Then I need your help NOW, please?

My husband and I are both 51 years of age. It is both our third marriages. We met on the Internet in 2005. He saw a picture of me and said I look beautiful, and I saw one of him and thought...ok, not bad. I was very slim at that time although I struggled through my life with yo-yo dieting. He fell in love with me with this "image" in mind, while he was still in Iraq. We live in the same town in South Africa and I met his sister before he came home to see me in real life for the first time. She told him how I looked and he was very pleased. He came home and we met for the first time, and he was over the moon with me and we clicked and things were going really fast from then on and after 6 months he came home for good and moved in with me. 
But in that time my weight crept up slowly again and he started for the very first time to talk abusive to me, like I am a cow, or an idiot, or a stupid woman, and so on. He would also do strange, childish things, like leave the house without greeting me, or ignore me and talk childishly to me or talk bad about me with people I know, behind my back. Then the most weirdest thing of all, apart form a terrible temper and screaming at me, he would say his peace, but refuse to here my side of the story, and would not talk about any problem whatsoever, present or past!! He would be very angry, but is calm the next morning and sorry about his behaviour. 
As a Christian, I forgive, naturally. We got married in 2006 and I must tell that this was turmoil and confusion from the start up to now! Many times I would go to my mother and ask for help, and every time I would forgive him for his abusive behaviour, name-calling and at some time pushing me around, pulling my hair, and return and try to carry on. In the meantime my weight sky-rocketed to a level where he told me openly that he find me totally unacceptable and a total turn-off and fear bedtime, because then my advances would force him to have sex with this fat body. I started picking my scabs on my body and face and really believed him that I am as ugly and useless and dumb as he said I was. He said that I cheated him by being slim and now fat. Many times I would try to pull myself together and be myself and control my apetite, but then he also has strange eating habits - he doesn't eat any fruit, vegetables, especially potatoes. Our budget would not allow me to have 2 menus and it is difficult to follow a diet or eating plan. I am a teacher and he was in the police, but left it a few years ago. When he returned from Iraq, he went into a shopping spree with all the money he earned there, and also did shady deals with people and lost thousands of rands in the process! When he got money, he is happy, when not, he is depressive and abuse towards me. He was without a job for a long time, but got asmall shop, which he also struggled with, because of his bad people skills.His sister warned me before we got married that he hits women, and when I confronted him about it, he said it was the women, fault, because they angered him to such a point that he was forced to lift his hand. His own son, also 23, is scared of his anger and said at times that he never wants to be like his dad, because his dad slapped him around out of anger when they were still living together. 
He looks down at my career and would make remarks about my job, saying that I am acting as if he is one of my learners at school, and I must not think that I am somebody! He gave his heart to the Lord a year ago, and I became stronger in my faith, because of his new way of thinking. I think that's why he did not leave me yet, because the Bible says we are not allowed to divorce. He did not cheat on me yet, but did that with his first wife, therefor I am always worried when it will be my turn. At this stage of our marriage , my daughter of 23 moved in with us, and I feel quite invaded, because she is untidy in her room and in the house, but a lovely person and also saved. My biggest concern at this very moment is that my husband does not talk about ANY PROBLEM to me, so we have all these problems to sort out, but he doesn't want to talk about it, because he says that I always make him out to be the wrong one. Therefor there is this silence in our house, and no enjoyment and fun. He doesn't take us anywhere, he watches TV and sleep, that's it. If I want to go somewhere with the car, he says that it is a waste of money and unnecessary. We went to councilling at our church, but had to stop it halfway because of his inabillity and willingness to discuss and face our problems. He never tells me that he loves me and we do not have sex anymore. If we do have sex the odd day, it is always doggy style, because he says he can't face my fat body - it is a total turn-off for him and he always do it in the dark. Sometimes he prefer anal sex, and I just perservere it, but don't like it in, particular. He always 'come" very quickly and there's no patience with forplay with me.
My husband is like a ticking time-bomb....if we dare to talk about things, the bomb would go off, if we do not and pretend that everything is ok, then our marriage is good, according to him. 
My husband said that he will love me again when I am thin. How can I be sure of that?!
We are now in a situation were we are both hanging on for the sake of finances, we can't afford to go our own separate ways even if we wanted to! I feel trapped!!!


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## rateyes

thats horrible, you dont have a friend or anybody you could move in with until you could get on your feet? its sad you have to stay in that situation because of money. I hope things gets better, anybody who ONLY wants you cuz of your looks is not worth keeping.


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## swedish

Roomy said:


> His sister warned me before we got married that he hits women, and when I confronted him about it, he said it was the women, fault, because they angered him to such a point that he was forced to lift his hand.


His own sister warned you before you married and he himself said what abusers say 'It was their fault, they made me do it'

He is violent and abusive...I would get out ASAP and work on yourself for yourself. You don't deserve this abuse and you can make it without him


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## preso

His sister warned me before we got married that he hits women, and when I confronted him about it, he said it was the women, fault, because they angered him to such a point that he was forced to lift his hand.
?????????????????

and when you were told this, that he was forced to lift his hand....
no red flags flashed before your minds eye?

If a man told me that he was forced to lift his hand to them, it would be like the whole sky turned to blood kinda red flag flash...
and I'd be the runaway bride, as in kicking off my wedding shoes and going running away from the church in terror, screaming the whole way.

If you stay with this man, he will lift his hand to you too.
Abuse and terrorization are not my cup of tea.... and I might have to teach him his hand don't lift to me because I don't buy that kind of controlling nonsense talk.... I could end up in jail too 
as helping a guy like that control his lifting hands could be considered bad in the USA... if I had to help him and pin them to the door with a steak knife .... as he could end up hurting me with his lifting hands you know !!!! and
he is not worth going to jail over.
A man like that runs from a woman like me, usually quickly so there is little chance of even getting to a church. They tend to seek out confused or immature women with low self esteem.
They are preditors.


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## Sven

There is absolutely no excuse for his treatment of you.

So when I ask if you have plans to lose weight, this is not taking his side.

My wife went from being fat and unattractive (complete with picking sores on her face) to gorgeous (during her affair) and then to extremely fat to the point of actually being disabled.

I couldn't have sex with her if I wanted to (which I don't).

As I'm working on overcoming the issues in our marriage, one problem is this concept that she is letting herself go to the point of destructiveness. I just don't understand why. She hates herself and what she's done, but if she wants to completely restore the marriage then she needs to stop blaming depression for eating bags of Rolos and just get in better shape.

This is a horrible experience for a man who is pledged to a woman for the rest of his life. don't spouses owe it to each other to stay at least a little bit attractive?


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