# 20 plus years married and sex is almost dead



## longtermdude (Jan 23, 2013)

We have been married since HS and are now is our 40's. We have had 4 kids that all but one have moved out and started families. We have separated once for a few months about 4 years ago and today we are good except for one area - I call it sex she calls it love making. Now while I know there is a difference, I have little to no desire to "make love" and she almost never initiates sex. We are now lucky to have sex once or maybe twice in two weeks when 6 years ago it was 4-5 times a week. We are best friends, we have worked together for the past 3 years in a home office and we travel on weekends. So basically we are together 24/7. We almost never argue and have not had a fight in years. We are comfortable with each other, have similar goals. get along great but the sex life has almost died. 

A little sex history - 

Both were each others first sex partner in HS.
Wife was sexually abused as a child and until she got counseling she was very vanilla and reserved. 
About 10 years ago she had a hyst due to adhesion's which also took her labido into the abyss - non existant.
I wondered off into an emotional affair while traveling extensively for business, confessed and we moved forward slowly. 
Sex life was still on the rocks and not as frequent for quite a while. 
We separated for a bit, still had sex lol but figured out we were not interested in others or not being in the same home. 

We have done nearly everything you can imagine as a couple sexually. Toys, oils, outside, sharing photos, swinging, strip clubs, etc. 

Now.... Today... Boring and weeks can pass with no sexual activities or intimacy that would include being naked lol. I am not sure how to proceed, it is to the point that when we do have sex I cannot feel my orgasm and this has gone on about 2 years. She wants to make love but never approaches this on her own and expects me to give passion after going a week or two with nothing. I lost my drive, she is not in the mood as often and this is frustrating for us both I'm sure. We did counseling during the separation and that helped heal us as a couple but never helped the sexual desire. 

Sorry I summarized but I did not want to type a book here. 

Any thoughts or ideas? She is a best friend but the sexual desire or as she wants love making is just not there.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

what do you want? A more intimate and satisfying relationship with her which sounds like what you say she refers to as love making? Or is the need for a sexual outlet? If the latter, based on what you've written there is probably not much headway to be made and you may resort to self gratification for the needed sexual release. If the former, then that will require more time and commitment from both of you and in ways that are not overtly sexual. 

Time together, not on work related or surface things like "what time do we get to the hotel on this leg of the trip" but more intimate sharing - talking at deeper levels and being in close physical contact, sharing, being a loving couple. 

Or maybe there is satisfaction for both of you living and working together like two good friends or siblings and that is enough. I suspect since you posted here it is not enough.

What do you want? What does she want?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

A couple of thoughts:

1) What have you done to help her heal from your affair?

2) Is she seeing a doctor regarding the effects from the hystorectomy?

3) Why are you unwilling to make love to her? Consider your unwillingness to compromise is leading her to withdraw.

4) How about a little time away from each other? Perhaps a hobby so you are not spending so much time together.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Tall Average Guy said:


> A couple of thoughts:
> 
> 
> 3) Why are you unwilling to make love to her? Consider your unwillingness to compromise is leading her to withdraw.


Bingo.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So you separated, and when you got back together you didn't make your sex life a condition of ending the separation? Why did you get back together if it was for more of the same thing that drove you apart? Convenience? Familiarity? Finances?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

longtermdude said:


> I call it sex she calls it love making. Now while I know there is a difference, I have little to no desire to "make love"
> 
> About 10 years ago she had a hyst due to adhesion's which also took her labido into the abyss - non existant.
> 
> ...




Well, there are a few things here:

#1 You both view your sex life differently. She wants to make love, you want to "have sex". For clarification, does she require some extra work in order to get into the mood? Kissing, holding hands, flirting, dates, etc? If so, that's more than normal for women (and some men!)

If you are not willing to at least compromise with her half of the time with love making, you're not trying hard enough to help the sex life. You're just trying to get what you want, which isn't what she wants. If you're only trying to do it your way, she will shut down and feel used. I'm not saying this happened, but from what you posted, it's all I have to go off of.


#2 She had a hysterectomy. That's death for a libido - which is NOT her fault. Has she gone to the Dr to talk about her options?

#3 After her having the hysterectomy, you went off and had an EA. That's bad juju for wanting your sex life amped up. If you want your wife to want you, you shouldn't be chasing after other women. Your W might have been struggling with the loss of her libido. She may not have been able to deal with it. Did you talk with her during that time? 

#4 You said you've done everything (except trying to compromise on the love making), and now you're sex life is BORING. Well, if you feel that way about sex - don't you think she picks up on that? If she feels like she can't satisfy you, she will shut down. She's probably thinking, "what's the point in having sex if you're not going to like it anyway?"

I hear a lot of resentment in your post. I understand that you're frustrated. She needs to get to the Dr ASAP and find out if she has options to try and bring back her libido from a chemical level. However, it won't help her if at an emotional level she doesn't feel like her efforts are enough for you. Relationships that are one sided cause resentment. Just the way you're feeling now, she could have been feeling this way about your attitude toward "love making".

You BOTH need to work on this. If you're both not on board, it isn't going to work.


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## longtermdude (Jan 23, 2013)

I would agree that non work time would be a great idea but that is hard to do. I have been out of the office for the last 5 days and away on cases and I came home to a friend. I have no desire for the passion, with that said, I do love my wife just no fire or spark there. Keep in mind we are great friends, run the house and a business with no issues and hardly ever argue much less fight. I am sure her being pre-menopause at a young age has something to do with her being a little slower for bedroom time or it may be because I backed off. If we are apart we miss each other but not like a romantic type thing. But you must understand we basically raised each other from teens till now. We actually met in the 7th grade and have been through a LOT! We have no financial issues really, no real stress other than business is slow but that can be overcome. I just wonder if this is what marriage is like at 20+ years and in our 40's or is something not right and I just don't know it. I could not tell you what things should be like, all i know is what I have had for a very long time. Sorry for the ramblings , this is not a simple question or answer. Thanks for the input above and keep it coming, maybe something will click.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Did you guys swing after the Hyster and after her libido went south ? 

Not gonna lie, a bit hung up on the swinger thing, but just working my way around it.. 

You know swinging is a big deal ( at least to me ).. Not many can swing and then either bow out or find it boring.. I don't know.. 

I mean wouldn't swinging be the answer in a crazy way to your issue.. You're not into your wife but you love her, but are looking to get laid.. 

I don't know if she is into you but I will guess she might feel the same as you do.. Loves you as a friend but needs some intimacy that you are not looking to provide.. 

Again I would never advocate swinging as I think it would just cause more harm than good.. 

I mean swinging would probably be the last resort for me in a relationship in which I did everything I could sexually with my partner/wife and was BORED of it..

The issues are if she gets attention from someone else that she is craving, I could see her leaving you for this man.. 

Try counseling again ?

I mean really what do you tell a guy who seen his wife fvck another guy and BORED...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Wow. Your wife wants to be close to you and make love while you see her as a sexual outlet.

How sad.

If she meets someone who wants to be close to her she's going to either have an affair or dump you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

longtermdude said:


> I would agree that non work time would be a great idea but that is hard to do. I have been out of the office for the last 5 days and away on cases and I came home to a friend. I have no desire for the passion, with that said, I do love my wife just no fire or spark there. Keep in mind we are great friends, run the house and a business with no issues and hardly ever argue much less fight. I am sure her being pre-menopause at a young age has something to do with her being a little slower for bedroom time or it may be because I backed off. If we are apart we miss each other but not like a romantic type thing. But you must understand we basically raised each other from teens till now. We actually met in the 7th grade and have been through a LOT! We have no financial issues really, no real stress other than *business is slow but that can be overcome*. I just wonder if this is what marriage is like at 20+ years and in our 40's or is something not right and I just don't know it. I could not tell you what things should be like, all i know is what I have had for a very long time. Sorry for the ramblings , this is not a simple question or answer. Thanks for the input above and keep it coming, maybe something will click.


OP, I have one question for you. A marriage takes significant effort to sustain. If you invested the same amount of time, energy and finances into your business and approached it with the same passion as that which is being directed into your marriage would your business be successful? If not, then there is your answer.


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## longtermdude (Jan 23, 2013)

Hardtohandle
LOL yes the swinging happened after the Hyst. No the swinging did not continue and it was a mistake and it was never a pleasant experience at all! We both had never been with anyone else, marriage was not so good and it seemed like a good way to spice it up. Well that was a bad idea and neither of us will ever go there again, not worth it at all! BTW the 2 couples we played with over a couple year period of time were people we knew, not strangers. No additional counseling, not going there again. 

lifeistooshort
anything is possible but I doubt she will stray. With what I do for a living she would have to be damn good to make that happen. if she chose to all she needs to do is be honest and not hide anything so we can all move on. No point in cheating and she agrees. 

NoChoice
I don't know, I am not sure that marriage is broken as much as it is stale at the moment. Drive level changes as life happens, stress affects it as well, we were hit by an F5 tornado two years ago and lost everything and had to rebuild, etc. I don't know, fair question.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

longtermdude said:


> .....We did counseling during the separation and that helped heal us as a couple but never helped the sexual desire.
> 
> Sorry I summarized but I did not want to type a book here.
> 
> Any thoughts or ideas? She is a best friend but the sexual desire or as she wants love making is just not there.


Good luck. My 2 cents. I would suggest going as a couple to a really good sex therapist. They are marriage counselors with extra training. They can really help you and your wife zero in on what your issues, your goals for marriage are, and how the two of you can achieve your goals. Often that includes "sex" that both of you will enjoy and they may help you define sex and intimacy in ways you didn't think possible. At least that is my experience.


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## longtermdude (Jan 23, 2013)

Thank You for all of the input everyone!


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