# Lost, looking for advice.



## Achilles (Feb 10, 2014)

I apologize if this seems like a long post but there is much that has transpired over the past few years with me and my wife, I feel to get the best advice i should give you a clear picture. 

To start, my wife and I met about 6 years ago and we fell in love the moment we met. I was 29 and she was 24. From that moment we were inseparable. We were a perfect happy couple. That lasted for about 2 years before the fights started. I still to this day don't fully understand what it was that made her feel unhappy as I bent over backwards to be the best person I could to her. In many instances she said she didn't feel special, but no matter what I did, she never felt special. Our sex life was great, we went every where together, did everything together. We had our stresses as any normal life does. 

She had said one day that she wanted to leave and that she couldn't be with me. I had become depressed myself due to a number of factors. I begged her not to leave and made changes to myself. I made an effort to show her how special she was to me. For quite some time our relationship returned to normal, we had the occasional argument, but for all purpose we were back to normal. We discussed marriage and children, finding a home, saving for the future. Decided that we wanted children and that we would just let it happen. found out a month later she was pregnant and ended up getting married. For the first year and a half of our son's life she searched for work while collecting UE, and I worked(a job that I despised but was trapped in due to it paying much better than most others I qualified for), After about 6 months of coming home to a filthy house and nothing accomplished, I talked to her about it and let her understand that if she is gonna stay at home, then she is going to have to look at this as her job. I didn't want to come home after 8-10 hours a day and be expected to clean a house and cook dinner then take care of our child. she had hit those post pardum blues, which was understandable. I had waited a while after his birth before really getting on her about it and it still took me 2 months to get her to do it. 

Around this time was when our sex life started to decline, my stress level rose and our marriage started to have issues again. She complained about not getting enough sex or romance and when I took steps to give it to her, she complained about it directly after. i tried many times to explain to her that her approach to these subjects was less than desirable and the stress level I am under is taxing on me enough. Anyhow, after talking things started to get better and our life together started to even out. As first time parents we were doing pretty well. She ended up getting job and we moved to another apartment and this is where it all fell apart. 

After a few months, I started having serious issues with migraines and depression. Worrying day in and day out about everything created anxiety. I was on FMLA for my migraines and was safe with my job for a time, but was recommended that I take some medical leave to get the migraines figured out. Over a period of time I saw, neurologists, psychologists and my family doctor. Our sex life became almost nonexistent and all I got to hear every day was how unhappy she was and that she was thinking about leaving me. I was unraveling mentally and didn't have anyone to stand by me. My friends all thought I was crazy for wanting to stay with her, my family was nonexistant in my life and I had no where to turn. Over the next few months, the meds I was on caused more migraines, more depression and a host of side effects. 

My wife started to go out on weekends with her friends, never answered my texts never answered my calls, came home at 3 in the morning and our communication dissolved into nothing but fights. I would voice my opinion about how I was being treated and she would either put up a wall and shut me out or become combative and defensive. I tried everything I could do to just let things be and see if she would just snap out of it. I waited for weeks without bringing anything up. Tried to plan time for us together, took care of our son while she went to the beach with her friends, or out to the bar. All over the course of these years we had been smoking weed and on a number of occasions I brought to her attention that I just wanted to quit and clean up our lives, by this time I was about 33. I had tried to get help through friends on Facebook, both hers and mine. Hers simply caused more drama and mine didn't really help at all, they just wanted me to move on. I tried to talk to her mother whom I thought was a good woman and was in agreement with me, however, that turned out to be a lie. 

I lost my FMLA due to taking medical leave and the migraines continued. By this time i had gone through about 9 different combinations of meds to quell the migraines and treat the anxiety and depression that had taken a firm hold in my life. Still missing work, fights with my wife, having to worry about finances, a child, my marriage and take care of pretty much everything in between, i was being stressed beyond what any normal person could handle. After so many nights of my wife doing nothing but falling asleep on the couch and ignoring me and our child, I had had enough. She began closing herself off more and more to me and I had to find out what she was up to. So i put a key logger on both computers. 

It only took a couple days for me to find out she had kissed someone at the bar. I waited for her to come home and asked her if there was anything she had to tell me about. She said no. I asked if she was sure she had nothing to tell me about that happened at the bar a couple nights ago and again she said no. I showed her the log from the computer and she blew up at me. I was taken back by how upset she was that I had to go to lenghts to know what she had been up to, but yet no one who knew or heard about this, even her, cared how she lied to me and hid things from me. We eventually got past that and had a few conversations that actually got us somewhere, but it eventually came back full circle and we ended up fighting and growing further and further apart. She pretty much closed me out. 

I tried to continue the marriage and be a good husband, but after so much time of feeling like no matter what i did counted for anything, I started to become angry. I found myself returning to a person i was many, many years ago. Jaded, frustrated, stressed, and angry. the frustration built up so much that I had a full on anxiety attack and couldn't breathe, I fell to the floor in a fit of tears and lost all control of my emotions. My wife didn't seem to care, just simply walked away and left me there for about 15 minutes, it wasn't until she realized this wasn't me putting on a show to gain sympathy(I don't do this at all). I have never had this happen to me before. She gave me a half hearted hug that felt like it was out of pity more than love or understanding. then left the room. we began fighting right after it because I felt hurt and alone. I became angry and put about 4 holes in the bedroom wall out of frustration. 

At this point I can see how you would say that she should be fearful and that I was wrong, but to shed some light on that, understand that I am not a violent person. I used to be that way when i was young due to bullying and anger, but I made changes in my life and learned to be a better person, learned to vent in other ways. For me to reach that level, took a lot, 4 years of feeling like I was the only one wanting this marriage. We eventually, after a couple of weeks started to talk and get somewhere, but again it turned into fights. I think that our issues were a matter of communication. We got into a cycle of how our communication would fail and it always ended up causing fights. 

I tried many times to change how I approached her, spent many nights online looking into different way to communicate with her, but no matter how I approached her, she always became defensive or put up a wall and shut me out. I went and saw a psychologist for a few visits and finally talked her into coming to see him with me. After everything that I had explained to him about how I felt, she simply told him that she didn't feel special and his response was that I had to take her out for a date. Needless to say, we didn't return to him. She simply said one sentence and he immediately turned me into the issue. I was quite disappointed. Even she agreed that it wasn't what we expected. We had issues with finances he was aware of and to simple say we had to go out on a date, was not the solution. 

After that, we began to talk a bit more and things started to level out, become a routine if you will. Then it happened, I lost my job. That was the final blow. Without my income, we were screwed. After a couple days of trying to budget everything, stress took hold and we both had a fight to end all fights. I had a complete nervous breakdown. I ended up smashing a chair, breaking a wall, and swallowing 3 bottles of my meds. I ended up realizing what I had done and threw u pall the pills, then voluntarily baker acted myself into the hospital. Spent 3 days in there, talked to 3 doctors, 2 psychologists, 4 counselors, and one nuerolosgist. It was determined that all the meds I had been on had caused many of the issues I was experiencing. That coupled with the level of stress and frustration caused me to literately have a mental breakdown and go into a severe depression, diagnosed with manic depression. 

I was removed from all meds and placed on one single med. My migraines disappeared, my moods got markedly better and my depression all but disappeared. Because of having to go into the hospital, my UE was denied and I had to appeal to get it back. Took them 4 months to do it. I did everything I could to find work but with no luck. My wife had completely shut me out. I felt abandoned by her, the one person who was supposed to stand by my side, like I did for her during her depression, left me standing alone. 

3 1/2 months past by and still no UE. We got evicted. I tried everything I could to get us back on track, but it was too late. After that, she went to her mothers, I went to my friends about 50 miles south for a few, before returning to the same city another freind lived in, the distance was to get me some space, she thought I was taking him away from her, but after returning north, split time with our son but I took care of him a majority of the time with no financial assistance from her at all. This was to be a temporary thing until we could get a place again. 

My UE finally got cleared and I got all the back pay to which I used to pay off my car which was 4 months past due and at the end of its payments. her car had died a while back and we were working with one car, this car was all we had to drive and I was letting her use it for work while we were separated. She then thought it a good idea to purchase another car with a payday loan and 4 blanks checks, to which I objected. This was when she told me she was leaving me for a separation period. I was hurt, my heart broke completely. 

She thought I paid off my car as a way to control her, when in reality it was to help us, but after her bad decision to buy another car, I took mine back(purchased before the marriage). I figured that the separation was probably a good idea but that we needed to set up some ground rules. Time period, times to talk, ways to help this be successful and the only response I ever got was I don't have to do anything. I became a wreck. I could only think of my child and what this was going to feel like to him. Seeing my son's life dissolve into what mine had been when I was his age. 

Over the past few months, we had a few good moments but mostly bad, because she jsut wouldn't open up. When we talked, i would ask if she still loved me and she would respond yes, but she wasn't sure she could be with me. for months the same thing. i took her flowers to her work once and found out she was lying to me about another thing, not someone else, but just a simple lie. She took that as me trying to spy on her. I tried to call sometimes to talk to her and she would ignore me or simply yell at me. I tried to explain that I loved her and that I was devoted. 

I made a commitment to her and that commitment was sealed with the birth of our son. What mattered most to me was him and our family. I was willing to do anything to be back in her life, but I wasn't willing to just let her throw me out of her life. Suddenly, she started telling people that I was stalking her and harassing her. I finally got her to open up to me and she says that one of the reasons she left me was because i was holding her back. From what I asked. From her life. To this day, I still want to be with her, through it all, I can forgive. I can even forget, but what I can't understand is why she will tell me to let the past go, but when its convenient for her, she brings it all up again. 

i want to discuss what has transpired so we can get past it, but simply ignoring it won't solve it. There are deep seated issues between us, that if not addressed, will remain. I am at a loss of what to do. I see the benefit to my son either way this goes, but its a greater benefit to him if we can resolve our differencces and stay together. I want my son to have a family. Again, I am sorry for this being so long, this is actually shortened quite a bit as it would be 5 times this length if told in full. There are much more details that I could put in here, but know that I was not an abusive husband. I had struck my wife once out of pure instinct and given that situation i would have struck the pope if he had done what she did. It involved endangering our son while in a moving vehicle. 

I am at a complete loss as to what to do to fix my marriage, get my wife to open up and move back to having a complete family for my son to be proud of. He is almost 4 now and although handling this well given what he has been through, I see signs of this taking a toll on him. I have maintained a close eye on his behaviors and in doing so have corrected some of my own to accommodate his growth. She has denied any effect she has on him or any of the effect our separation has had on him. I am no angel, i have made my mistakes, but I also apologize and learn from them. She is no angel herself, but is a good woman. A bit of a narcissist, but still a good woman.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

please modify it, and try to divide it in paragraphs, is unreadable.


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## KeepLookingUp (Feb 6, 2014)

manticore said:


> please modify it, and try to divide it in paragraphs, is unreadable.


Agree. This is tough to read in its current format.


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## Achilles (Feb 10, 2014)

ok, sorry bout that


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

just push edit buttom and every 6 or 7 lines dive it, thks


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

You want to be with someone who doesn't want you and has zero regard for you. That doesn't make either of you good or bad, just incompatible. Go 180 and file for divorce. Get your life on track.

But first, divide this into paras bro.


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## Achilles (Feb 10, 2014)

What is go 180 supposed to mean. Is that referring to 180 degrees?


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

yeah, 180 is a series of behaviours. The finality of these behaviours is detach from your spouse, but this kind of behaviour have been proven effective to reactivate the interest from who you are trying to detach (of course, in cases whe there is nothing salvageable the partner will not care, an then the only purpose is detaching).

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups...fter-infidelity/discussions/messages/12496184

(I am just responding your answer I have not read your thread yet)


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

His situation isn't salvageable. She wanted out for a long time.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Achilles, the one thing that jumps out is you've got a bad case of one-itis. And you make sure you show that to your wife constantly. You might find this hard to believe, but that's actually a turn-off to her. You're doing everything you can to show her you're a needy man and she reads that as seeing you as pathetic. I admire the fact that you cherish your family and will do anything to keep it intact, but your weak, needy behavior is actually repelling your wife. 

My wife knows that if she talked to me about separation or she kissed a guy, I would sprint to a lawyer and file for divorce. She admires that about me. She admires my self-respect and confidence that I'd have new girlfriends lined up taking numbers. That's the kind of attitude you have to have for any chance to save your marriage. Stop crying and begging.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Achilles (Feb 10, 2014)

Cubby said:


> Achilles, the one thing that jumps out is you've got a bad case of one-itis. And you make sure you show that to your wife constantly. You might find this hard to believe, but that's actually a turn-off to her. You're doing everything you can to show her you're a needy man and she reads that as seeing you as pathetic. I admire the fact that you cherish your family and will do anything to keep it intact, but your weak, needy behavior is actually repelling your wife.
> 
> My wife knows that if she talked to me about separation or she kissed a guy, I would sprint to a lawyer and file for divorce. She admires that about me. She admires my self-respect and confidence that I'd have new girlfriends lined up taking numbers. That's the kind of attitude you have to have for any chance to save your marriage. Stop crying and begging.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I could see where it would seem that way. I have been described as a serial monogamist and it would be an accurate description. I am committed to the one I am with, unfortunatly I am not with her anymore and I am very frustrated that nothing I have ever done seems to matter. Being married is supposed to be filled with one-itis. I however know that if issues would actually be worked on by her with me, things could change. I just don't see that happening anytime soon. I wanted my marriage to succeed because it involves our child. Over the past few weeks, I have had minimal contact with her and when she says we will talk it never happens. I am pretty sure that I am going to just file for divorce. What i am looking for is advice on what I may be able to do to actually get through to her.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

please read the book, "No more mister Nice Guy", it seems that during your whole marriage your wife had the philosophy of "my way or no way", as Eric mentiones do 180 and to detach from her, and focus in your kid, and form a support group, with family and friends, hang out with them, do social activities, find new hobbies, hit the gym, that will help you to throught this and at the same time you will have time to work on yourself.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Achilles said:


> I could see where it would seem that way. I have been described as a serial monogamist and it would be an accurate description. I am committed to the one I am with, unfortunatly I am not with her anymore and I am very frustrated that nothing I have ever done seems to matter. Being married is supposed to be filled with one-itis. I however know that if issues would actually be worked on by her with me, things could change. I just don't see that happening anytime soon. I wanted my marriage to succeed because it involves our child. Over the past few weeks, I have had minimal contact with her and when she says we will talk it never happens. I am pretty sure that I am going to just file for divorce. What i am looking for is advice on what I may be able to do to actually get through to her.


file for D, you can stop it at any time

don't tell her you are filing, just file

when she finds out

bet the farm she will wish to talk


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