# Sexually frustrated**depressed**and confused



## Fl_girl

Married my high school boyfriend. It has been 25 years married together 30. We have three children. Two still the the home. He is a great guy and terrific father. I know that I still love him but not sure I'm in love. We moved to Fl. My idea as we always loved to visit and talked about it.for years. Once we got there he is a totally different person. No longer does the loving things he use to, We never have sex, he will flirt all day but when we have alone time. He is asleep in seconds. We have talked about all the issues and his answer is always. I know and I just don't know what to do about it. He stated that he is getting old. He is in his mid 40's. Having a hard time picturing us together in 5 years. He seems to no longer enjoy life or our new life. I have asked of he regrets the move and he stated not at all. Need help understanding the minds of men


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## Faithful Wife

The problem may be as simple as that he needs viagra. If he’s having trouble getting or maintaining an erection, this can make him not want to have sex. Viagra or one of the other meds like it can instantly solve that problem.


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## Baldy

If he hasn’t had a complete physical for over a year he should get one. There are many physical things that can be causing him to feel old and not want sex. Being tired and also having possible ED are often fixable. It could be as simple as needing viagra, low T, or more serious things such as high blood pressure or diabetes. These things often come to the forefront for guys in their 40’s. He does need to be very honest with you and communicate better, but you should insist that he get a complete physical by a doctor that he tells all of his symptoms, including sex.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Big yes on the complete physical, with full blood panels, which will include testosterone, usually. May need to ask/confirm.

Rule out the physical, first. He needs to start tracking levels at his age.

Many of us in late 50s, and 60s, and beyond are still active.

5-7 times a week, and I'm 57.


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## Spicy

When was the last time you actually had sex?


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## SunCMars

I see this more as serious depression.
At least, in part.

He moved away from his old friends and (family?)

Does he work, if so, does he enjoy his new job?


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## Affaircare

"Hubby, I did not agree to a celibate marriage and you are not making that decision unilaterally for the both of us. So either we have an open marriage and I find someone else who's willing to fulfill my sexual needs, OR we work on this together, as a team, starting with a thorough physical for both of us. Which do you choose? I'm not longer willing to rugsweep and pretend it's not happening." 
@Fl_girl, that is a little bit blunt, but in the long run that's the exact talk you need to have with your hubby. Mid-40's is MUCH too young to be "too old for sex" as he's sort of implying (shoot I'm 57yo and so is my Beloved Hubby, and we are both active), so don't believe that for a second. Now, in real life what MAY be happening is something has changed--like he used to get hard just by thinking and now he has to actually touch. You may not know or notice the difference (because you aren't in his skin), but he does! The point, though, is that this is a mutual part of married life, and yes people change as they age, but it doesn't just stop in the 40s. 

So #1 get to a physician and BOTH of you discuss this with a medical professional. After that, #2 might be a counselor. After that let's see how #1 and #2 have gone.


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## Marduk

Fl_girl said:


> Married my high school boyfriend. It has been 25 years married together 30. We have three children. Two still the the home. He is a great guy and terrific father. I know that I still love him but not sure I'm in love. We moved to Fl. My idea as we always loved to visit and talked about it.for years. Once we got there he is a totally different person. No longer does the loving things he use to, We never have sex, he will flirt all day but when we have alone time. He is asleep in seconds. We have talked about all the issues and his answer is always. I know and I just don't know what to do about it. He stated that he is getting old. He is in his mid 40's. Having a hard time picturing us together in 5 years. He seems to no longer enjoy life or our new life. I have asked of he regrets the move and he stated not at all. Need help understanding the minds of men


It’s fairly obvious to this dude. 

I think he doesn’t want to live in Florida, but he doesn’t want to tell you because you love it and it was your dream as a couple. 

He’s living in a state of cognitive dissonance. 

One of the things that happen to me when I attempt to live in this state is I get easily frustrated, depressed, don’t like to plan for my future, and retreat from relationships. 

Especially if that relationship is causing me to live in cognitive dissonance.


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## MattMatt

@TealDaisy Has he been seen by a Doctor for a full check out?


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## Blondilocks

MattMatt said:


> @TealDaisy Has he been seen by a Doctor for a full check out?


Wrong thread.


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## MattMatt

Blondilocks said:


> Wrong thread.


No. It is the right thread. 

Read the first post again and you'll see why I suggested a visit to the doctor for a full check up for him.

However, if there are no medical issues, other action would need to be considered.


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## uhtred

You can't understand the minds of "men", there are billions of us, all different - you need to understand the mind of your man. 

Was he enthusiastic about sex early in your relationship?

Is he on any medication - in particular anti-depressants?

How does he really feel about the move to Florida? Is he mildly unhappy, or did he end up moving from a place he loves to a place he hates. Did he move away from a lot of friends when you moved?

40s is not old. 




Fl_girl said:


> Married my high school boyfriend. It has been 25 years married together 30. We have three children. Two still the the home. He is a great guy and terrific father. I know that I still love him but not sure I'm in love. We moved to Fl. My idea as we always loved to visit and talked about it.for years. Once we got there he is a totally different person. No longer does the loving things he use to, We never have sex, he will flirt all day but when we have alone time. He is asleep in seconds. We have talked about all the issues and his answer is always. I know and I just don't know what to do about it. He stated that he is getting old. He is in his mid 40's. Having a hard time picturing us together in 5 years. He seems to no longer enjoy life or our new life. I have asked of he regrets the move and he stated not at all. Need help understanding the minds of men


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## Blondilocks

MattMatt said:


> No. It is the right thread.
> 
> Read the first post again and you'll see why I suggested a visit to the doctor for a full check up for him.
> 
> However, if there are no medical issues, other action would need to be considered.


I wholeheartedly agree that a checkup is in order. Just don't see the OP's problem the same as TealDaisy's. Thought you were confusing the two.


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## Arkansas

"We have talked about all the issues and his answer is always. I know and I just don't know what to do about it."

sexual performance issues is TOUGH for a man .... if he loves you, he wants to satisfy you but if there is ED problems ... its going to be "hard" for him especially is he's not good at communicating issues etc

have ya'll tried bedroom toys etc? or is ED even the problem ? 

"I just don't know what to do" is a cop out ... marriage and love is hard work - FIND THE ANSWERS 

for you ? do the best you can to help and you find those answers, right ? its YOUR marriage - right ?


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## BluesPower

Arkansas said:


> "We have talked about all the issues and his answer is always. I know and I just don't know what to do about it."
> 
> sexual performance issues is TOUGH for a man .... if he loves you, he wants to satisfy you but if there is ED problems ... its going to be "hard" for him especially is he's not good at communicating issues etc
> 
> have ya'll tried bedroom toys etc? or is ED even the problem ?
> 
> "I just don't know what to do" is a cop out ... marriage and love is hard work - FIND THE ANSWERS
> 
> for you ? do the best you can to help and you find those answers, right ? its YOUR marriage - right ?


Actually it in not hard. You go to the doc and tell them that you are having trouble. 

Unless it is something out of the ordinary, that might require surgery, they give you a pill and you go to work. 

What OP's husband said is a weak excuse....


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## Fl_girl

Thank you all for your posts. Yes he has seen a Dr. And mild depression is an issue he is getting help there. He had no friends or family where we lived before. And he States he loves it here. This is part of my confusion. Since my last post we have moved into separate rooms. He basically told me that he has given up on our 25 year marriage. We were intimate about 6 months ago but it was a failed attempt in my eyes. Now he just wants all the perks of a wife (shop, cook, clean, take care of kids). But in a roommate situation. I suggest he move back and he could even take all our savings I just want him happy. I need some form of direction or closure


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## PieceOfSky

@Fl_girl,

Is he taking an meds, especially for depression? If for depression, what med(s) and doses? Some can greatly reduce libido and/or reduce performance. Some can make one apathetic towards things one might otherwise be motivated to change.

I moved out of the bedroom a few months ago. (She is the one who wants only a platonic friendship.). It’s finally apparent to me our incremental increases in distance over many years are not reversible. Separate bedrooms have helped make clear any hint she was interested in improving our relationship was all in my mind, and has helped me detach in preparation for the next step, which will be divorce. I hope you have a better experience, or at least achieve valuable clarity.

I also hope, but don’t know, my kids (17, 20) will be gradually getting used to the notion Mom and Dad’s marriage is headed towards an end and yet things are not chaotic between us. That notion is unspoken so far, but that I sleep in another room is obvious, and I suspect it’s significance is somewhat apparent to them.

Ironically, separate bedrooms has made it all easier to cope with, which makes me feel less urgency to leave. Beware of that pitfall.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Yep, it's really not that hard for him to talk to his primary care physician about this topic.

Granted, if he's right at 40 or near, he may be at the realization of there are things he has to address as he's getting older but he's not yet at the "old enough" stage where an older guy is at that stage and is able to talk about durn near anything because hey who cares, just more stuff to get on with.

Because at a certain age, little remains uncomfortable because who gives a rat's butt anyway.


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## Fl_girl

My girls 14,17 also understand the situation. Our house is peaceful as well. And I agree now that the tension of sleeping in the same room is gone. I do understand a bit more of that growing distance and when it started. I have just never been on my own ever. Went from high school to married. I find myself floundering with no closure in sight.


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## Tilted 1

Fl_girl said:


> I find myself floundering with no closure in sight.


This is the reality why, indecision.


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## Fl_girl

Agree, but while I have never been on my own and feel like I am floundering. I do know what I want and have placed a timeframe on my situation. Plans are in place and he knows them. I just feel that I can't throw away 25 years without giving him a chance to explain himself more. But as time slips by I have lost hope that it will happen.


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## Sfort

It sounds like you're struggling with what some call "sunk cost" thinking. Once the investment is lost, don't throw good money after bad trying to make up for the bad investment. It would be better to throw away 25 years (not that you could really do that) in exchange for your future happiness than it would be trying to justify maintaining the status quo because of the 25 year history. 

You said, "Plans are in place and he knows them." Good for you. Now stick to them. Spend some time educating yourself on what it will be like to live on your own. Determine where your weaknesses are and strengthen those areas. Everyone has to learn how to live life. You can do it.


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## She'sStillGotIt

OP, it was asked what kind of meds your husband is on for depression. Sometimes, that stuff can play havoc with a person's sex drive.

It seems kind of odd that "mild depression" would make him act in such a detrimental and damaging way. Does someone who is 'mildly' depressed generally become a completely different person like this guy has? It's like he's done a complete about-face.

I think there's something more at work here than mild depression. Have you ruled out an affair? Not because you 100% blindly trust him no matter what, and not because you think "he'd never do it," and not because you think you know where he is 24 hours a day 7 days a week, but because you actually took the time to *dig deep and thoroughly* looking for any suspicious activity? Too many spouses just refuse to believe that their mate would ever cheat on them and that type of stubborn delusion is what makes it so much harder for them to have to deal with reality.

Just a suggestion but you should really check into it.


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## Tilted 1

Fl_girl said:


> Agree, but while I have never been on my own and feel like I am floundering. I do know what I want and have placed a timeframe on my situation. Plans are in place and he knows them. I just feel that I can't throw away 25 years without giving him a chance to explain himself more. But as time slips by I have lost hope that it will happen.


But if you think like this

" it's not the past 25 years, but the next 30 that makes all the difference"


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## In Absentia

Fl_girl said:


> Thank you all for your posts. Yes he has seen a Dr. And mild depression is an issue he is getting help there. He had no friends or family where we lived before. And he States he loves it here. This is part of my confusion. Since my last post we have moved into separate rooms. He basically told me that he has given up on our 25 year marriage. We were intimate about 6 months ago but it was a failed attempt in my eyes. Now he just wants all the perks of a wife (shop, cook, clean, take care of kids). But in a roommate situation. I suggest he move back and he could even take all our savings I just want him happy. I need some form of direction or closure


You mean you are just divorcing him for sex? Expect that pretty soon from him...


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## In Absentia

PieceOfSky said:


> Ironically, separate bedrooms has made it all easier to cope with, which makes me feel less urgency to leave. Beware of that pitfall.


mmmmm..... that sounds pretty familiar to me... don't fall in the pit! :smile2:


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## Buffer

Hi,
Lots of good folks here can give you advice as they have been through things just like this.
Buffer


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## Girl_power

What is the problem according to him? 
Does he want to save the marriage?


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