# Confronted wife...now I'm wrong?



## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Yesterday I saw a disturbing message in my wife's phone between her and another man.The man asked her to come over for a quickie and she she "Idk I can't make any promises, he's all in my face right now and getting on my nerves". I confronted her about this and she became irritate!She denies the situation buts became physically confrontational. Then she tells me she went over to his house to bring him food, some medication, and cleaned his house because he was sick! Last week this same guy was mad because people were "asking him" about how come there's rumors going around about them sleeping together. It's like it all makes sense to me now!

But I'm wrong because my female friends from home call me from time to time and I get accessed of cheating! Then today she tells me her supervisor Asked her for naked pictures but she's handled that? Before we were married 2 years ago I messaged an ex and expressed feelings for her still that she found back then and now everytime she does something this is brought up. 

Last night we fought again and I was so upset I walked out of the house and she literally followed me for 2 miles to find me to get out the car and yell and scream why she didn't do anything and then hit me again! It's like who acts like that when they're not wrong! Then she compares me talking to friends on the phone that live 2000 miles away to her going to another mans house and not telling me! 

I'm so sick of feeling like I'm the bad guy when I'm not. I'm tired of getting things thrown at me and yelled at and hit because of it too. I want to leave but I have no plan and don't know how I'd pick up the pieces if I left. I want to leave but I'm scared...someone please help!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Classic blameshifting. She's a cheater and accuses you of cheating. That's right out of the Cheater's Manual, Chapter 1 I believe. I'll have to cross reference with my wife's old manual. 

He asked her for a quickie...she says YOU are in her face and then has the "balls" to say she just went over to feed and clean for him?!

Bro - she's f'd up.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

This is common. One defense mechanism cheating spouses use is fake, indignant anger. How dare you accuse her of cheating, just because the evidence is overwhelming.

Also, she's engaged in some trickle truthing. She's afraid that you know, or will find out, that she's sent some naked pics, or that it's been requested. So she admits is to get out ahead of it in order to appear truthful.

The fact is, she's cheating on you. So you have to decide whether to accept that, or not. Either way, the best course of action is to kick her out and move toward divorce.

She will either accept the divorce and you won't have to waste any time in a false reconciliation, or she will ask you to give her another chance. Whether you want to consider reconciliation, should she ask for it, is up to you. But you need to be on record as having taken strong action against accepting her actions by kicking her out.

If you let her stay around and give her no consequences, she will only feel emboldened to cheat in the future and have less respect for you for accepting it.

Good luck.

P.S. Also, you need to check her phone, email, and Facebook for evidence of who she is cheating with. And if any of them are married, expose to their wives.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Any man asking a woman to come over for a quickie has already had her. If nothing was going on her response should have been to become irrate with him not you. Her response and reaction tells you all you need to know.

If her manager is asking for naked pics then something is obviously going on there too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

By the way, if you're ready for a divorce, the good news is that tomorrow is Monday and most law offices will be ready to serve you.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Thanks for the replies...I'm personally scared and don't know what to do because I live with her and I'm 2000 mi away from home. I don't know what to do...if I leave then I'm going to lose my job and I have no way of knowing what to do at this point!


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

inarut said:


> Any man asking a woman to come over for a quickie has already had her. If nothing was going on her response should have been to become irrate with him not you. Her response and reaction tells you all you need to know.
> 
> If her manager is asking for naked pics then something is obviously going on there too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And I told her this! So her answer is to call this man at 2 in the morning to have him talk to me!


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Now she's at the ER saying she's been bleeding and having females problems like she's dying. I'm sick of this!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Wow. She's brazen. What was his f'ng excuse about the quickie?

Meh...it really doesn't matter cuz they already got their story straight.

And how will you lose your job if you leave her?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

lawrencebe said:


> Now she's at the ER saying she's been bleeding and having females problems like she's dying. I'm sick of this!


Yes...that is called gaslighting and trying to divert your attention from the real f'ng issue: Her Cheating.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

you don't stay with an abusive indignant cheater because you're 2000 miles from home and will lose your job. there are people here who post because they _think _their spouse is cheating. your wife IS cheating. it's time to get out and you'll be OK.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Wow. She's brazen. What was his f'ng excuse about the quickie?
> 
> Meh...it really doesn't matter cuz they already got their story straight.
> 
> And how will you lose your job if you leave her?


This situation happened "6 months ago" and it was nothing because she just went to his house and cleaned it, brought him some food and gave him some medication. Now I'm wrong for everything I've EVER done! And I'll lose my job because once again I live 2000 mi away from home (from Cali living in GA) and cant afford to live on my own...


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

She sounds like trash. What are you losing? A lying,cheating, violent woman who has no respect for herself or for you and she is making a fool of you. You should be more afraid of staying than leaving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

inarut said:


> She sounds like trash. What are you losing? A lying,cheating, violent woman who has no respect for herself or for you and she is making a fool of you. You should be more afraid of staying than leaving.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess I've never looked at like that. I've tried to help her and her two kids and come in and be a man at this point she's used me for all I have I want to leave but I'm afraid she's going to fight me once I try to leave...


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

You've helped her and her children and this is how she treats you? I don't understand what you are afraid of. She used you and now you are afraid she will fight you? Fight you on wht?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

I tried to leave before and she become psychotic! Like won't let me take me stuff won't let me leave she just becomes crazy! I want out but I seriously am fearing she going to cut me or kill me!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

lawrencebe said:


> This situation happened "6 months ago" ...


So, 6 months ago, another man asked your wife to come over for a quickie. Your wife responded that she couldn't make any promises because you were bugging her. Then, she went over. And you didn't find the messages until yesterday? Is that the sequence of events?



> ... and it was nothing because she just went to his house and cleaned it, brought him some food and gave him some medication.


And if you believe that, I've got some beachfront property in Arizona to sell you.



> Now I'm wrong for everything I've EVER done!


Yes. That's called blameshifting and gaslighting. One of your natural coping mechanisms after suffering a trauma such as this is denial. When your wife gives you a flimsy excuse, such as she satisfied a request for a quickie with a sandwich, your brain really wants to believe it. But you're just fooling yourself.



> And I'll lose my job because once again I live 2000 mi away from home (from Cali living in GA) and cant afford to live on my own...


So, your house or apartment is in your wife's name? If so, stay with a friend. Get a studio apartment that you can afford. Stop paying for your wife's dwelling. Find a place with a roommate.

Good luck.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> So, 6 months ago, another man asked your wife to come over for a quickie. Your wife responded that she couldn't make any promises because you were bugging her. Then, she went over. And you didn't find the messages until yesterday? Is that the sequence of events?
> 
> 
> And if you believe that, I've got some beachfront property in Arizona to sell you.
> ...


Thanks but I guess what I'm looking for is a safe way to leave without getting hit or yelled at anymore...I want to leave


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

lawrencebe said:


> I tried to leave before and she become psychotic! Like won't let me take me stuff won't let me leave she just becomes crazy! I want out but I seriously am fearing she going to cut me or kill me!


You have two options. First, pack while she is at work. When she comes back, you will be gone. Second, get a police officer to accompany you while you pack. If she freaks out, she will be arrested and you will be protected.

After that, if she tracks you down and becomes violent, get a restraining order against her to protect yourself.

Good luck.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> So, 6 months ago, another man asked your wife to come over for a quickie. Your wife responded that she couldn't make any promises because you were bugging her. Then, she went over. And you didn't find the messages until yesterday? Is that the sequence of events?
> 
> 
> And if you believe that, I've got some beachfront property in Arizona to sell you.
> ...


And yes that is the sequence of events....not to mention in between when I have female friends call or I call them she goes ballistic and accuses me of cheating when it's not that at all. It's becoming crazy now!


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Get your stuff out when she is at work. If she finds you and becomes violent call the police, file restraining order...do what you have to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

lawrencebe said:


> I tried to leave before and she become psychotic! Like won't let me take me stuff won't let me leave she just becomes crazy! I want out but I seriously am fearing she going to cut me or kill me!


She won't "let you" leave? Unfortunately you sound like a classic abuse victim; emotionally and physically battered, low self esteem, drowning in weakness and fear.

You are sound so broken down that I don't think you fully grasp what a piece of garbage your "wife" is, or the fact that you really don't even have a marriage. Your wife is only treating you like this because she KNOWS she can get away with it. She's an abusive, controlling, manipulative sl*t and yet STILL you stay with her. You need to seek some counseling ASAP.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

You are with a psycho. Don't be ashamed to get the police involved.

I don't know how old you are right now, but whatever it is you are not going to get any younger and she is not going to get any better. You don't want to stay in this relationship just because of some fear.

You said she hit you? I know, you're a man, but physical violence should never ever be tolerated.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Now she's gone and I told her I want a divorce and she says she going back home to NC and won't stop calling!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

lawrencebe said:


> Now she's gone and I told her I want a divorce and she says she going back home to NC and won't stop calling!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Go dark. Don't answer the phone. You've said what you need to say. Now get away from her.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

She just came home hit me in the face went ballistic again and broke a computer. Now she's hysterical and leaving!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

I locked myself in the bathroom because at this point I'm terrified
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Tell her to do whatever she feels is best for her and you will do the same. Then tell her if she continues to harrass you or if she chooses to become violent you will file charges. To protect yourself because you don't know what she will do or say (she may accuse you of abusing her) go file a police report right now about the last incident. Tell thet what's going on now, that she is unstable and you are concerned about what she may say or do. Don't be alone with her. Leave the house if you have to or in the very least have someone with you as a witness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Call the police now!!!!
Just saw your last post....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Sometimes with an abuser it's easier to fake like you've "seen the light" their way and apologize and slowly get your things in order to leave. However, do NOT be afraid to call the police (911) and stay on the line until they arrive so she can't turn it around and say YOU hit her. 

Think about the craziness of what she's saying and doing. "I'm going home to NC but I'm so done that I'll keep calling you." It makes no sense! 

Do you have friends you can stay with if you need to? Also, why would you lose your job just because you are from California? You could keep the job and get your own place in Savannah or Statesboro or Daisy or... wherever.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

inarut said:


> Call the police now!!!!


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

The police will arrest her for assault. She is violent and crazy. Get the f***ing police NOW!!! 

I was a battered spouse. This is nothing to fool around with. Have her a$$ tossed in jail for the night.

LET HER KNOW YOU MEAN BUSINESS.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Call the police and report her assaulting you even if she is no longer there. You want it on the record that she assaulted you. Use that word when reporting it. Have photo of the area she hit.

And get out and go dark until tomorrow when you get a lawyer. You want to pursue a restraining order against her so she has to stay away from you and your home.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Lawrence, welcome back to the TAM forum. I'm glad to hear that you're still alive but I'm sorry to hear that you are still living with your abusive W in Georgia. As we discussed last November, you are describing the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) -- which is strongly associated with the type of physical and verbal abuses you've been subjected to. 

If your W has these traits at a strong level -- as you suspected last November -- you are dealing with a woman who has the emotional development of a four year old -- combined with the cunning, intelligence, and body strength of a full grown adult. It is not safe for you to be living with an emotionally unstable woman who has been hitting you for years. I therefore agree with Prodigal, Kathy, Shaggy, and all the other TAM members who are urging you to call the police or move out of the home.


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## SweetDee47 (Jun 1, 2013)

She denies the situation buts became physically confrontational. Then she tells me she went over to his house to bring him food, some medication, and cleaned his house because he was sick! Last week this same guy was mad because people were "asking him" about how come there's rumors going around about them sleeping together. It's like it all makes sense to me now![/QUOTE]

She definitely has some sort of mental disorder....NPD perhaps...you should check out the post "Were you love bombed by a Narcissist" in the general discussion forum....maybe you'll gain insight from others stories and see if she has displayed similar behavior....This is typical of NPDs....they try to cover up a lie and make you feel guilty for even questioning them....even when they are wrong, and caught....they are not wrong....You definitely need to leave her, unfortunately its only downhill from here...I agree with the other posts about leaving when she's not home....and bring someone with you whether law enforcement or a friend to help...I know from experience this is a good way to leave an abuser....


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Wow. Dude...I get the whole job thing and home being 2000 miles away and whatnot.

But.

F-ck this noise! Get the hell outta there. Get her the hell outta your life. And go the hell home. Who f'ng cares at this point. She's a world class nutbag.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

Your SO sounds like a real "bunny boiler" get out now before it is too late.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your wife is a serial cheater. She will never quit cheating.

Divorce her and get tested for STD's! There is no possible way she's going to stop cheating.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Hello everyone abd I want to say thanks for all the support. She is now in a hotel room out sick from work with cysts on her uterus. I went to check on her and she seems to be calmed down niw on perqcaset(sp). 

Uptown and SweetDee47 I read more about the NPD/PD and found this woman's story eerie and similar to mine. r my H, NPD would explain his 'Peter Pan' syndrome & belief that he should receive unconditional love and be supported by his 'secondary sources' of narcissistic supply (family and spouse) while offering absolutely nothing in return. He did not think he should have to earn a living, or do any housework or upkeep of the free house his parents gave him to live in.

It also explains why he could not tolerate listening to me talk about myself and my own career and aspirations, or any type of criticism, and why he ignored and dissed me when primary sources of ns were present.

It explains the constant need for outside validation and attention from other women, and anyone else he could get any ns from, the lying and his inability to trust me or anyone else.

My wife never cleans the house, hasn't decorated, and in CONSTANT NEED OF VALIDATION! In one conversation she can say the word I about a million times. She also shows no interest on ny conversation about me or anything of the sort. I literally spent the last few months redecorating and she doesn't help at all. I want and need to go but I guess at this point I feel stuck. All I can think of now us that I'm 26 and this would be my 2nd divorce in as many years and I need help to understand why I keep getting these type of women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Now she is calling to schedule marriage counseling. Idk whats going on anymore...maybe I can explain to the counselor that she may have NPD and see if she can get help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

STOP TALKING TO HER!! Dont go check on her! Dont answer your phone! Dont answer texts! Stop feeding the beast! I wouldnt go to marriage counseling with this nutbag if I were you! Try to stay of of the same room with her, get a restraining order.

Oh, and better to have a second divorce than to live with someone doing this to you!


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

lawrencebe said:


> All I can think of now us that I'm 26 and this would be my 2nd divorce in as many years and I need help to understand why I keep getting these type of women.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Get the help *ON THE WAY OUT THE DAMN DOOR*!!!

Do NOT stay in an abusive relationship. You are NOT "stuck", that is just your fear and shame talking. You need to get some help for yourself, yes, but you do not need to stay with this abuser in order to do that.

Get your **** together and get out of this marriage!


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

I hear what everyone is saying but I guess I just don't see this angry person all the time. She's helped me with so much and encouraged me to do great things. I mean we all get mad and the physical abuse is extremely too much but I guess I feel sorry. I feel sorry because her family treats her like dirt, she has no friends and is the mother of 2 fantastic children. I just want to help her and at this point I'm extremely confused, hurt and in a daze. I sound like a battered man and I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. My last wife/sons mother is bipolar and I went through this with her as well. I told myself I would never go through this again and here I am, a loser, a sucker for love and now that I've made a life here in GA I can't afford to move home. I need a job, due to paying 700/month in child support. I just can't grasp the realization that I've messed up again and see that this woman that I've loved is crazy. I guess I gotta come face to face with myself...but I don't know where to begin or what to do. I'm afraid of starting over...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

lawrencebe said:


> I want to leave but I'm scared...someone please help!


My man, you NEED to leave this "woman". Your life can only improve by getting away from this b###h.

What are you scared of? Divorce?

Been there done that. Yes its scary. But getting the ball rolling and planning a new life and starting over is the hardest part. Once you get all that planning done and the wheels are in motion, it gets better.

Here is a tip. If an attorney is unaffordable, you can get a loan. As long as she isn't some scumbag that will make delays and such, and you only contact your attorney when absolutely necessary, its possible to get divorced for less than 5 grand. I did it, paid off the loan in 4 years, and now I'm sitting pretty.

If it is kids you are worried about, they will adjust. Yes, even though she is the C, you will have to pay child support. But alot of that is money you'd end up using towards their well being anyway. Sucks I know, she cheats and treats you like the bad guy, and you will end up being the every other weekend father. You will adjust to that too.

The upside to being the every other weekend father is, she doesn't get to tell you what to do, and that gives you time to enjoy getting back out in the dating world.

So if you have any questions about divorce, ask away. Mine went smooth as hell.


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## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

lawrencebe said:


> Thanks for the replies...I'm personally scared and don't know what to do because I live with her and I'm 2000 mi away from home. I don't know what to do...if I leave then I'm going to lose my job and I have no way of knowing what to do at this point!


Why would you lose your job by leaving her?


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## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

lawrencebe said:


> I guess I've never looked at like that. I've tried to help her and her two kids and come in and be a man at this point she's used me for all I have I want to leave but I'm afraid she's going to fight me once I try to leave...


Just read this. So you don't have kids with her? If not, then it won't be much of a fight.

Why would she fight you anyway? If she is badmouthing you and wanting to spread her legs for OM, why would she care if you left or not?



> I tried to leave before and she become psychotic! Like won't let me take me stuff won't let me leave she just becomes crazy! I want out but I seriously am fearing she going to cut me or kill me!


Then you wait for the right time. Rent a storage unit, and when she is off on somewhere without you and time allows, you get all your stuff out and in the storage unit. Also have a place to stay as well. Do you have a friend that might help you out there? If not, you can get a dirt cheap apartment just for a little while.


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## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

lawrencebe said:


> She just came home hit me in the face went ballistic again and broke a computer. Now she's hysterical and leaving!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Call the cops!!!! Get her thrown in jail. Then while she is in jail you will have plenty of time to get your stuff out and into storage.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Hi Lawrence:

I, too, was in an abusive relationship and recently roomed with a person I suspect has BPD (no formal diagnosis, though). I'm going on personal experience here, so bear with me.



lawrencebe said:


> ... I guess I just don't see this angry person all the time. She's helped me with so much and encouraged me to do great things. I mean we all get mad and the physical abuse is extremely too much but I guess I feel sorry. I feel sorry because her family treats her like dirt, she has no friends and is the mother of 2 fantastic children.


1. How do you know her family treats her like dirt? What do they do? Do they ignore her? Tell her she needs to grow up? Call her names and curse in her face? If so, SHE needs to deal with that — taking out her childhood problems on you is not acceptable. And it's not what mature adults do.

2. Physical abuse, whether man-on-woman, woman-on-man, or adult-on-child, is *never* acceptable. I agree with the other posters that you need to get the police involved now. She is an adult, and she must deal with the consequences of her unacceptable actions.

3. Have you ever considered *why* she has no friends? I suspect her constant drama and turn-and-turn-again personality may have a lot to do with it. Uptown is right — you likely have a classic BPD'er here. And believe me when I tell you it will NOT get better.



lawrencebe said:


> I just want to help her and at this point I'm extremely confused, hurt and in a daze. I sound like a battered man and I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. My last wife/sons mother is bipolar and I went through this with her as well.


1. There is nothing to be ashamed about. There are many battered men out there, and not necessarily physically, either; a colleague of mine also went through this with two wives.

2. You cannot — nor are you qualified to — help her with her issues. Just know that the abuse is *not* your fault. Abusers are master manipulators; it's never *their* fault that they can't act as adults.

3. You'll need some therapy to find out why you're attracted to this kind of person. Maybe you have a "rescuer" complex in your personality; perhaps you love to be needed instead of needing to be loved. Whatever the case, you must do this if you don't want to go through this again. It's a lot of effort but it will be worth it.



lawrencebe said:


> I told myself I would never go through this again and here I am, a loser, a sucker for love and now that I've made a life here in GA I can't afford to move home. I need a job, due to paying 700/month in child support. I just can't grasp the realization that I've messed up again and see that this woman that I've loved is crazy. I guess I gotta come face to face with myself...but I don't know where to begin or what to do. I'm afraid of starting over...


1. Being afraid is natural — especially when dealing with a mentally-unstable physically-violent person. But starting over can be done if you're willing to work at it.

2. Everyone makes mistakes (sometimes some very expensive and heart-rending ones). The key is *learning* from your mistakes, with professional help if necessary.

3. To start, see if your workplace offers an EAP (employee assistance program). They are confidential and will help you find therapists in your area. Also place a call to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. (Trust me - they've heard it ALL, and are very familiar with battered men.) Their number is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233); they'll help you find shelter, legal help and counseling if necessary.

4. Talk with the court and see if child-support payments can be lowered while you work on settling this situation. They may say no, but it won't hurt to ask.

5. Do *not* — under *any* circumstances — go to counseling with this woman. Do not talk to her (unless absolutely necessary), remove your belongings when she's not there, and have cops ready to assist if necessary. Starting over can be done; it's done all the time.

You are not in the wrong here. Your wife is a cheater and abuser, and you do *not* have to tolerate this. Nor should you. She's acting like a classic abuser: They'll scream, hit, shout, make it out to be like it's all YOUR fault. Then they will turn around and make nicey-nice (marriage counseling offers, extravagant gifts and praise, thickly-poured encouragement).

Does it matter why she's doing it? No. That's not your concern. Your concern is your safety and sanity, and being there for your son. I am telling you from personal experience this situation will NOT get better until she addresses her own issues. And you cannot help her with that.

I wish you nothing but the best of luck. Please take that first step, and keep us posted. You're a good, decent man and you don't have to live this way.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Get a VAR and keep it on you so you can prove how the arguments went, if need be. 

Don't worry about the 'stigma' of divorce at your age. I'm on marriage #3 in my 50s -- wish I'd've got those first two outta the way early on in my life and learned some of the lessons you have already gone through at your age. 

Look at the bright side of what I just told you. And you're 26 with a whole, long life ahead of you. Don't let this 2nd divorce bring you down on yourself. Swear off marriage for a few years though! 

God bless


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Thanks again for all the advice everyone. She just broke down and is so upset that I'm mad and "don't believe she didn't do anything". She literally feels I'm blaming her for everything and pointing the finger at her. I've made mistakes in this marriage but never went to another womans house. Or maybe she made me feel like I did. 

Also I guess so opened saying she has never had anyone besides her father to support her. Her family ridicules her for all her mistakes in her life, use her and they manipulate her. She had a nervous breakdown at 12 and apparently her hormobes were out of wack during puberty (her mother told me this). 

Thanks again guys
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You are not consciously attracting this type of person, but look at it this way: you lack clear boundaries. You allow a woman to treat you abusively. If you allow this type of stuff, you will attract that type of person.

And, believe me, abusers (narcissists, BPD'ers, and others of their ilk) have a built-in radar that senses when a doormat comes into their range. Sorry, but you are behaving like a frightened, insecure person.

And frightened, insecure people are open to predators. It's open-hunting season.

You need to learn that boundaries are for you. They are those lines in the sand that other people cannot cross.

You are allowing your wife to hit you. You are afraid if you leave her all sorts of catastrophes will occur.

The biggest catastrophe is you are indulging in WHAT-IF thinking. What if she gets a gun and blows me away? What if she gets a gun and commits suicide? What if I lose my job? What if I can't find a roommate?

Okay, here is WHAT IS:

You are married to an abusive spouse.
You lack clear boundaries.
You are afraid.
You are allowing your fear to keep you stuck.
You have not called the police.
YOU AND YOU ALONE CONTINUE TO ALLOW THIS WOMAN TO PROJECT HER INSANITY ONTO YOU.

Want to stop the insanity?

Get an attorney. Get a restraining order. Get a roommate. Get out.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

And P.S. - GET YOUR ATTENTION OFF HER MOTIVES. 

Why she does what she does is her business. NOT yours.

You need to figure out what is wrong with you. Her problems? If she wants help, she can punch in the phone number for a counselor, therapist, psychiatrist, etc. 

Get back on your side of the street, my friend. Because where you are standing now is a sure one-way ticket to hell.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> And P.S. - GET YOUR ATTENTION OFF HER MOTIVES.
> 
> Why she does what she does is her business. NOT yours.
> 
> ...


Thanks this makes so much sense...that's what I needed to hear...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

lawrencebe said:


> I hear what everyone is saying but I guess I just don't see this angry person all the time.


Lawrence, if she has strong BPD traits, you would not see the angry side "all the time" because BPDers are emotionally unstable -- thus flipping between loving you and devaluing you quite often.


> I mean we all get mad.


Yes, we do. But what you describe goes well beyond "mad." In your threads, you've described her rages as follows:


she was kicking, throwing things, biting me, hitting me i didn't know what to do and i was scared.
she literally followed me for 2 miles to find me to get out the car and yell and scream why she didn't do anything and then hit me again!
I'm tired of getting things thrown at me and yelled at and hit.
I tried to leave before and she become psychotic! Like won't let me take me stuff won't let me leave she just becomes crazy!
I want out but I seriously am fearing she going to cut me or kill me!
She just came home hit me in the face went ballistic again and broke a computer. Now she's hysterical and leaving!
I locked myself in the bathroom because at this point I'm terrified.



> Maybe I can explain to the counselor that she may have NPD and see if she can get help.


As I tried to explain last November, the behaviors you describe seem to be much closer to BPD traits. That discussion starts at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...eaving-but-its-too-much-stay.html#post1233742. 

There are three primary differences between BPD and NPD. First, whereas BPDers are emotionally unstable, narcissists typically are very stable. Significantly, you describe your W as a moody woman who periodically explodes into rage and physical abusiveness at little provocation. 

Second, whereas BPDers lack impulse control, narcissists typically do not. Your view of your W as having little impulse control (as well as being unstable) seems to be reflected in your descriptions of her as "ballistic," "hysterical," "psychotic," and "crazy."

Third, whereas BPDers are capable of loving you (albeit in an immature way), narcissists are unable to love anyone. I mention this because you seem to believe that your W genuinely does love you when she is in her good moods. 

Of course, even if your W does have strong BPD traits, that does not rule out her also having strong traits of NPD. Most people having full-blown BPD also have strong traits of another personality disorder. I therefore suggest that you ask your counselor (ideally, a psychologist or psychiatrist) about both of those disorders.


> I need help to understand why I keep getting these type of women.


Lawrence, the best explanation I've ever seen -- as to how you and I came to be excessive caregivers -- is Shari Schreiber's article at DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?. Schreiber argues that, in our childhood, we developed a powerful desire to "be needed" that far outstrips our desire to "be loved." The result is that we will walk right past all the women who are emotionally available -- and keep walking until we find a woman who strongly projects vulnerability, which essentially is "catnip" to us caregivers. In this way, we are strongly attracted to women who desperately need us.


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

Hey man, sorry you're going through this.

I think you are being distracted from a very important event. You're wife FKED ANOTHER DUDE!

You catch her out. She denies it. Comes up with an implausible excuse. Makes a lot of noise. ASSAULTS you. All to make you forget that your wife FCKED ANOTHER DUDE. Then she invents a medical condition so you feel sorry for her???

I know this is harsh but I'm trying to act as a circuit breaker for you. You are making progress on this thread. Don't let her derail your progress by allowing her to manipulate you!

Now is not the time for you to question yourself. Rather than focusing on what you've done you need to focus on what you can do. Make this your watershed moment. Decide today that you're not going to take this sht anymore. Do something that in time you can proudly look back on at some point in the future and know that you stood up for yourself and turned your life around.

You deserve better. I wish you well.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I think you said you have a child from another woman.

Your child & you should be your only focus right now not an unstable woman who you fear might kill you.

If you are dead, your child loses a father. Your priorities are messed up & you are not thinking clearly.

Let the law handle this unstable woman. I think someone needs to call CPS regarding her children for at least an investigation.


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## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

lawrencebe said:


> Thanks again for all the advice everyone. She just broke down and is so upset that I'm mad and "don't believe she didn't do anything". She literally feels I'm blaming her for everything and pointing the finger at her. I've made mistakes in this marriage but never went to another womans house. Or maybe she made me feel like I did.


She is playing you, and you are falling for it. What person physically abuses someone else and then is surprised that their victim would be angry or upset???

The only thing you are blaming her for is her cheating. But she has no problem blaming your for what she does.

Looks like she is successfully gaslighting you and getting you to feel sorry for her after she physically abused you.

You need to leave her. But if you don't, then I'm sorry to say, you are going to have to learn the hard way. 

We are with you and can tell you you need to get out, but in the end, its your decision.


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## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

Emerald said:


> I think you said you have a child from another woman.
> 
> Your child & you should be your only focus right now not an unstable woman who you fear might kill you.


Yes, if he won't get away from this crazy b!tch for his own reasons, then he needs to do it for his child.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

dusty4 said:


> She is playing you, and you are falling for it. What person physically abuses someone else and then is surprised that their victim would be angry or upset???
> 
> The only thing you are blaming her for is her cheating. But she has no problem blaming your for what she does.
> 
> ...


When it's a case of ABUSE, it gets worse with each transgression. Her boundary system includes being able to physically assault you. There is no restraint there.

Also with your situation, it's possible you get abused and she calls the cops on you for it.

If someone physically assaults you, if it's a woman you restrain her to defend yourself and call the police and press charges. If it's a male, you defend yourself completely and call the police and press charges.

You want it on the record, so if there are future incidents, or even if you get murdered behind it, they know where to look.

You are not helping yourself by standing in there.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I don't know what this guy wants from us. He came on here and told his tale. We told him she was cheating. He knows that. We told him she's crazy. He knows that. We told him he needs to leave her. He knows that.

At this point, the thread just seems like a blow-by-blow of exactly what crazy actions his wife is taking, along with his rationalizations for why he's not going to leave her. And then posters here repeat, ad nauseum, that she has cheated, she is crazy, and he should leave.

So, to the OP, if you plan to divorce your wife, I recommend you start a thread on the Divorce board. If you plan to stay with your wife, I recommend you start a thread on the Coping with Infidelity board. But those are your only two options. You either need to stay, forgive her, and buckle up for the rest of your life, or you need to get out. Either way you choose, I don't think this thread is going to do much for you anymore.

Good luck.


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