# Anxiety over his weight



## Lady1010 (Dec 28, 2010)

I am feeling quite anxious about how people judge my husband - and me for having chosen him.

He's a very loving and ambitious guy. He's doing well in life career-wise. But he lost his hair in his 20s, and carries extra 30ish lbs around. It does not make him look good. His hair I have no concerns with, he keeps it shaved. But his weight I have a lot of difficulty with. I have been swallowing my feelings around it for the last year or so (i.e. having very careful conversations about it with him and not expressing feelings to anyone else).

I have had a few serious conversations with him about weight loss. He hears me, sometimes expresses his hurt (with me bringing it up) and never gets consistent at the gym. He was working out every single day before we got married. But since then, he has stopped. 

I think I am inching closer to him getting motivated again to work out consistently. But my problem is my anxiety around his weight. I keep thinking that people in my life are judging him as not good enough because of his looks. I keep thinking that they think I settled, or gave up or something. In reality, I wanted to be with him because I hadn't found a man who had the depth of thought and emotion that he has. He frustrates me too sometimes, but overall he is a great guy. I have met very, very few men like him. 

When we were dating, his hair and weight did bother me. But I thought it would be dumb of me to let such a guy go based on something as temporary as weight (I got over his hair situation), especially when he told me that fitness was important to him and I saw him act on it. 

But now, at this point, I don't know what to do with my anxiety. I don't know how to deal with this fear of how people are judging him. And how my friends/extended family are judging me for marrying him. My exes before were never this overweight. I also come from a culture where people are not this overweight. 

I feel anxious because I have no control over this situation - and understandably so. But I realllllly don't know what to do about it! Some support and suggestions would be very helpful.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Fat men are not attractive to me. Full stop.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I can kind of empathize, as I'm attracted to minds first and foremostly. My husband has carried extra weight his whole life but I don't think about it at all because my eating habits and his are the same. We're really clean eaters, I've been a pescetarian for 27 years, he eats everything but he has a horrible metabolism.

Im less worried about your hubby's weight and more worried about how you feel judged by others. Does it matter to you so much what they think? They're not married to him, you are.

Are you proud of anything in the relationship? Or, do you base its success based upon what others think?

Have any MEN or WOMEN been asking you why you're with a "fat guy" when you could have your pick of more attractive men? Please be honest, because these kinds of toxic people plant the seed of doubt for all the wrong reasons, and ruin perfectly good marriages.

So you need to look inward. This is the person he is unless HE decides to change. If you had a SERIOUS, honest talk with him about his weight and that you find it unattractive, and still nothing has changed, then this is who he is and will likely always be. However, if you've avoided the hard conversation, then stop avoiding it. Your honesty is not an insult. You want an attractive and healthy husband. That's not an unfair ask, but what is unfair is refusing to accept the possible reality that he can't be that kind of man for you.

My husband is open to me telling him not to eat certain foods or giving him a hard time if I see him sneaking bad foods, because I love him and want him to be healthy and in my life as long as possible. He knows this because I told him very expressly and honestly that I will not stay with a man who doesn't value his health enough to stay with me long term. Together, we bend the rules when we've been good. Just this weekend we shared a small cup of Ben & Jerry's. I have no need to lose weight and have been the same weight for the last 13 years. But that doesn't matter - we eat the same for his sake so that we are on the same page together so he doesn't feel punished while I could potentially eat whatever I wanted. Just another thing you may want to consider. Marriage is a journey together more than it is a destination, IMO.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If you are happy with your choice of mate that is all that matters. Who cares what other people may or may not think?


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

Do you exercise? Maybe do some with him. If he needs a gentle start, try the C25K (Couch to 5 Kilometres - (3.1 miles)) running/jogging programme. Google it, it is something you can do yourself or participate in a course run by a local running club.
An important thing with making a lifestyle choice is motivation; although noble to do so to just please a spouse, it doesn't really work. He would need to do it for himself.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

30 lbs?

LOLOLOLOL


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Lady1010 said:


> I am feeling quite anxious about how people judge my husband - and me for having chosen him.
> 
> He's a very loving and ambitious guy. He's doing well in life career-wise. But he lost his hair in his 20s, and carries extra 30ish lbs around. It does not make him look good. His hair I have no concerns with, he keeps it shaved. But his weight I have a lot of difficulty with. I have been swallowing my feelings around it for the last year or so (i.e. having very careful conversations about it with him and not expressing feelings to anyone else).
> 
> ...


Rather than trying to shame him about his weight gain why don’t you tell him you are concerned about his long term health.Tell him you want a healthy husband who’s around for a long time,then explain the likelihood of heart,diabetes and blood pressure problems that may be in his future.
Depending on his height and build a thirty pounds weight gain could be a serious problem.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You were concerned about his weight when dating and yet you recognized that he was a great catch for you and married him. 

Don't let your fears interfere with your relationship. Should someone comment on his weight, then you can set them straight that his weight is none of their concern. His weight doesn't reflect on you so stop worrying about it. You don't say how tall he is; but, thirty extra pounds on a man looks different than on a woman.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

30 lbs should not make that much of a difference on a man. 

See if there are ways to get him more active.

Start cooking healthier meals.

Come at it from a health angle.

Who cares what other people think?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Who does the cooking in your home?

90% of weight loss and weight control is nutritional, not exercise.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

I think the bigger question here is why you care what other people think? Who cares if ppl think you settled. And if these people judge you on that and not about his personality and values and morality, then eff them. There is so much to attractiveness than personal appearance.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Well, he could lose a big chunk of weight by dumping you.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

30 lbs can make a huge difference on a man. We're talking big belly, double chins, neck fat, the works.

Not to mention all the health aspects that go along with it.

Going to the gym 3-4x per week for an hour isn't that big a deal. 

Anyone who thinks otherwise is probably struggling with their own laziness and apathy towards their own health and appearance.

It matters.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

OP have you tried eating more healthy in the home? Going without carbs and sugar or fried foods really helps. If not maybe he can see a nutritionist. Being fat is a health risk, not just about looks. But looks are important. I could not be attracted to an overweight woman and I would not expect my wife to be attracted to me if I was overweight, but more so I would be worried about our health in the long term. Encourage him, and put your foot down on the food in the house. Two things I have surrendered control over in my house are the grocery shopping and what we eat and what the children eat. Also, my wife is my cheerleader, always encouraging me and my nurse always reminding me of health risks and my secretary always setting up doctor appointments and my fitness coach always reminding me about going to the gym with her. What I am getting at is that without my wife there being really supportive, the long hours working and stress would have likely led me to be fat, couple that with my upbringing of pasta and cheese and bread at nearly every meal I would likely have heart disease young. My wife has taken the reigns on our health and I have surrendered control over what I eat and when we excersize. He needs that extra push it sounds like. He needs to choose to be healthy. Maybe counseling would help!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> 30 lbs?
> 
> LOLOLOLOL


I agree. 30 pounds? How tall is he?


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## Lady1010 (Dec 28, 2010)

I appreciate all the responses.

We share cooking duties during the week. When it comes to carbs, we mostly only eat complex carbs like quinoa and lentils. Lots of veggies, protein sources, no fried foods, some desserts. I do workout, but I am also not consistent. I am way more motivated than he has been. Our eating falls through when we are visiting parents/friends. We have strictly limited eating out to once a month - though during celebration-heavy months we end up eating out more.

I have talked to him using a health angle. I have expressed that he's more attractive when he is fitter. I have expressed my upset that he basically let himself go since the wedding. He has reasons too around lack of time. He is very sensitive about his weight struggles, which makes it very difficult for me to talk about it. I have recommended he find a nutritionist and offered to pay for personal training sessions, but there's no initiative. (I'm not his mother to be making appointments for him when he hasn't even asked. This frustrates me so much!)

30lbs don't sound like a lot to some people here. He's 5'9 with a beer belly and other not-so-attractive features. It's just not healthy or attractive. I never sought out relationships because of a person's looks. And this is still quite outside of my comfort zone.

I recently told him when I would be ready for kids, and (in a separate conversation) that I want him to lose the extra fat before we start trying. That seems to have brought on some motivation.

Why do I care what others think? Sigh. I don't want to be seen as less than. I don't want him to be seen as less than. He's a great guy. I don't want people to be talking about his positive attributes as something that makes up for his lack in physical appearance. I just want him to fit in the average where his looks are just not an issue.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

The excuses he's using are just excuses. If he wanted to lose the weight he would make it a priority in his life and make it happen. Why don't you just be upfront and direct with him and tell him that you aren't attracted to him anymore because of the extra weight? That's really the main gist of what you are feeling, correct?


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

It might even be more than 30 lbs. 

What's his weight?

Also if he's young enough to be thinking about having kids.. the extra weight is REALLY bad because it's only going to be more difficult to lose it, and keep off even more weight as he slows down over the years.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do this man a favor and don't have kids with him. Let him go. It's hard enough to be married to one person let alone a whole damned village.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Lady1010 said:


> Why do I care what others think? Sigh. I don't want to be seen as less than. I don't want him to be seen as less than. He's a great guy. I don't want people to be talking about his positive attributes as something that makes up for his lack in physical appearance. I just want him to fit in the average where his looks are just not an issue.


Why do other people get to determine how you feel? Seriously, the less I give an eff, the better off I am. You don't owe anyone an explanation. You don't want people to talk because ??? You are less than when you give other people that power. Take it back.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

blondilocks said:


> do this man a favor and don't have kids with him. Let him go. It's hard enough to be married to one person let alone a whole damned village.


QFT x1000


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Lady1010 said:


> I am feeling quite anxious about how people judge my husband - and me for having chosen him.
> 
> He's a very loving and ambitious guy. He's doing well in life career-wise. But he lost his hair in his 20s, and carries extra 30ish lbs around. It does not make him look good. His hair I have no concerns with, he keeps it shaved. But his weight I have a lot of difficulty with. I have been swallowing my feelings around it for the last year or so (i.e. having very careful conversations about it with him and not expressing feelings to anyone else).
> 
> ...


I do not know what to tell you about your anxiety of the H weight issue. However, I can say your H will lose the weight when he is darn good and ready. You may think you are inching him along to weight reduction. I do not believe you are.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> It's hard enough to be married to one person let alone a whole damned village.





I don't even know what that means.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

katies said:


> Why do other people get to determine how you feel? Seriously, the less I give an eff, the better off I am. You don't owe anyone an explanation. You don't want people to talk because ??? You are less than when you give other people that power. Take it back.


^^^preach it^^^^


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

A 5'9 man could carry that weight well. 

Sounds like more then 30 lbs.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

I'm 6'2" and I lost 32 pounds a couple of years ago. Went from 222 to 190. Dropped pant size from 38/40 to a solid 34. So yeah 30 pounds on a 5'9" man could make a huge difference.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Lady1010 - if this bothers you now then you need to have a serious discussion with your husband about this - BEFORE you have children. If he is unwilling to do anything about your concerns, it will be much easier to part ways without the added complexity of having children involved. And he's got to want to do this for himself. You can't force change on anyone.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Bananapeel said:


> The excuses he's using are just excuses. If he wanted to lose the weight he would make it a priority in his life and make it happen. Why don't you just be upfront and direct with him and tell him that you aren't attracted to him anymore because of the extra weight? That's really the main gist of what you are feeling, correct?


Seems that her problem is more with embarrassment than lack of attraction. 

OP: If appearance and the perceived opinions of others are so important to you, walk away. If he struggles with his weight now, the struggle will only get harder as he gets older. 

BTW, I'm not making a judgement of your needs. I personally find them distasteful , but that doesn't make them any less important to you. Be honest with yourself and your husband. His appearance is of primary importance to you. Don't lie about his health. Show him the respect of honesty. Show yourself the same respect.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

zookeeper said:


> Seems that her problem is more with embarrassment than lack of attraction.


It's clear that it's both, and I can't blame her.

I wouldn't want to marry a woman who then starts packing on the pounds- I'd be ashamed of her, wouldn't feel good bringing her places where people would say "what's that good looking dude doing with that fat chick" and I'd definitely not be into having sex with her. Add in the health aspects and the potential boatload of problems headed his way as he gets older- and No Thank You is the order of the day.

Those judgmental posters who say they find her attitude to be distasteful are probably overweight themselves and are taking the comments personally, and maybe they should.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Just tell him you aren't attractive to him. Nothing in being ashamed to say it to him or others. You can't help it you're not attractive to your husband. 

30# is easy to lose. He needs to drink only water. He needs to change the way he eats. It's all about self control. No booze. Only water and mixed with protein a couple times a day. 

Just by changing his diet, he'll lose it quickly. He'll need to lift to get toned.

Make sure he isn't depressed or stressed. Those factors will make you give up on life and not care what you think. Getting in amazing shape is great for self confidence. You start looking at lazy/fat people differently.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Bonkers said:


> zookeeper said:
> 
> 
> > Seems that her problem is more with embarrassment than lack of attraction.
> ...


Read the original post. He didn't pack in the pounds after marriage. He was overweight when she married him.

How much does he weigh?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

katies said:


> Why do other people get to determine how you feel? Seriously, the less I give an eff, the better off I am. You don't owe anyone an explanation. You don't want people to talk because ??? You are less than when you give other people that power. Take it back.


They don't. This doesn't sound like a situation where others are insulting or ridiculing her or her husband. We don't know that anyone has even expressed the slightest negative sentiment about the man's weight.

Most likely, these are her own feelings of doubt and disapproval being projected onto others. Everyone has the right to their own standards (and the prioritization of those standards) but it makes little sense to try to make someone into something g they are not. Buying a pickup truck and trying to make it into a sports car is a fools errand. There are plenty of sports cars out there to be had.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Lady1010 said:


> Why do I care what others think? Sigh. I don't want to be seen as less than. I don't want him to be seen as less than. He's a great guy. *I don't want people to be talking about his positive attributes as something that makes up for his lack in physical appearance. *I just want him to fit in the average where his looks are just not an issue.


But youre the one doing that. You want "other people" to treat him in a way that makes you feel good about YOU. 

Good grief, let this poor man go so he can find someone who appreciates him completely.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Bonkers said:


> It's clear that it's both, and I can't blame her.
> 
> I wouldn't want to marry a woman who then starts packing on the pounds- I'd be ashamed of her, wouldn't feel good bringing her places where people would say "what's that good looking dude doing with that fat chick" and I'd definitely not be into having sex with her. Add in the health aspects and the potential boatload of problems headed his way as he gets older- and No Thank You is the order of the day.
> 
> Those judgmental posters who say they find her attitude to be distasteful are probably overweight themselves and are taking the comments personally, and maybe they should.


He was fat when she married him. People who marry expecting the other person to change in the ways they want are always going to be disappointed.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Bonkers said:


> It's clear that it's both, and I can't blame her.
> 
> I wouldn't want to marry a woman who then starts packing on the pounds- I'd be ashamed of her, wouldn't feel good bringing her places where people would say "what's that good looking dude doing with that fat chick" and I'd definitely not be into having sex with her. Add in the health aspects and the potential boatload of problems headed his way as he gets older- and No Thank You is the order of the day.
> 
> Those judgmental posters who say they find her attitude to be distasteful are probably overweight themselves and are taking the comments personally, and maybe they should.


Wrong. He had weight problems when she married him. There is no problem with the fact that she may find him less attractive The problem is that she is allowing how others might possibly perceive him to affect her own self-worth. He is not merely an extension of herself. She is willing to overlook the fact that he is bald but add in the extra weight and that is more than she is willing to endure while imagining that people are looking down on her for marrying such an unattractive man. 

In short, she won't have his back as they journey through life as she'll always be looking around to see if people are snickering behind her back and judging her. 

Yes, shallow and too immature to be married. You, too.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> The problem is that she is allowing how others might possibly perceive him to affect her own self-worth.


It's not a problem, it's how it is. She wants to be proud of herself as half of an attractive couple, not someone dragging around an overweight dude with a beer belly that doesn't care about his health or appearance.



Blondilocks said:


> In short, she won't have his back as they journey through life as she'll always be looking around to see if people are snickering behind her back and judging her.


Who said snickering? Besides you of course. It's all about feeling good about oneself and being proud of how you present yourself to the world, nothing more. 



Blondilocks said:


> Yes, shallow and too immature to be married. You, too.


Me too? Yeah maybe if it came to marrying YOU. My guess is that you don't spend too much time in the gym and too much in the fridge.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I think this is something you should come to terms with. There will be a day when your body loses its youthful vitality. Maybe you won't gain weight, but you will eventually look older and saggier. I'm sure you'd want your husband to be understanding about that.

There are times when you should push your spouse to lose weight--like when it's a clear heath risk. But in cases like this, it can backfire. Instead of trying to get him to lose weight, get him to be more active. Being sedentary is a health risk in and of itself regardless of weight. Do fun things which involve activity, like go for daily walks and go hiking on the weekend. Gym exercise can be boring if you're not into it, so don't push that too much.

One way I've seen the sedentary spouse get involved in exercise is when one spouse gets involved in a competitive activity, such as triathlon, running, bodybuilding, etc. The sedentary spouse accompanies the athletic spouse to events and may eventually get interested in participating themselves. It helps if the athlete spouse is training with a group, since the group will often be fun to hang out with. The sedentary spouse may make friends with the other athletes, making it even more likely they take up the sport.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Read the original post. He didn't pack in the pounds after marriage. He was overweight when she married him.
> 
> How much does he weigh?


I took that to mean that when they met, he had some extra pounds, but he was into fitness and working out- then he stopped. I figure she meant he was a bit heavy but over the past year it's escalated to the point that he's really fat.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Bonkers said:


> Who said snickering? Besides you of course. It's all about feeling good about *oneself *and being proud of how *you *present yourself to the world, nothing more.


Yah. 'Nuff said.


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## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

Its probably irrelevant what other people think. Its what you think that counts. You find his flab unattractive. It may have to be that you settle for that because I doubt he will loose it. Most likely he will gain more over time. You wanted a trim, toned man. You hoped it would change. It did! It got worse. I wish I had more to offer but I can tell you I managed with that problem for 20 years and eventually it stopped bothering me. What I found out is that it meant nothing compared to the fact that he was a chronic user of Korean prostitutes. Now, THAT'S a problem. So, perhaps put it in perspective...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

OP, why not divorce your husband and find someone more suited to you?


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## Lady1010 (Dec 28, 2010)

You guys are all jumping the gun with "leave him" and "you're too immature". Slow down!

This is something he committed to before getting married. He wants to raise kids in a home that is physically active and healthy. He doesn't want our kids to have the same weight issues he has had. 

Secondly, I think many of you are responding to how the idea feels in your mind. Of course it sounds like I don't accept him and of course, I sound shallow in your mind. But here's the thing, the reality of the situation is much more nuanced than it sounds in your minds. None of us marries a person purely for who they are. We marry them for who they are, and also because of what they add to our lives. My husband wanted a wife who is ambitious and has at least a graduate degree. We have a certain shared vision for us and our family. He's being frustratingly slow at holding up his side of the bargain, which is causing my anxiety.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Lady1010 said:


> You guys are all jumping the gun with "leave him" and "you're too immature". Slow down!
> 
> This is something he committed to before getting married. He wants to raise kids in a home that is physically active and healthy. He doesn't want our kids to have the same weight issues he has had.
> 
> Secondly, I think many of you are responding to how the idea feels in your mind. Of course it sounds like I don't accept him and of course, I sound shallow in your mind. But here's the thing, the reality of the situation is much more nuanced than it sounds in your minds. None of us marries a person purely for who they are. We marry them for who they are, and also because of what they add to our lives. My husband wanted a wife who is ambitious and has at least a graduate degree. We have a certain shared vision for us and our family. He's being frustratingly slow at holding up his side of the bargain, which is causing my anxiety.


Since you've got your justifications all lined up, what are you here for?

Do you think someone here is going to be able to make him what you want him to be? Do you think someone here is going to make you happy with him as he is? 

What you're saying now is not jiving with your original post.

Good luck with ....whatever.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

It is very difficult to motivate someone else to lose weight. That's even true when the weight is causing significant heath risks that may shorten life. Even people who want to lose weight will struggle greatly with the effort and commonly gain it all back. So you have to realize that if you try to get him to lose weight, it will have a significant chance of not happening. Even if he wants to lose weight, there's a significant chance he won't keep it off in the long run. It requires a lot of dedication and lifestyle changes. 

What can work is to demonstrate healthy lifestyle choices by exercising regularly and eating healthy. Make sure meals are made up of lots of healthy foods rather than simple starches and fatty proteins. Take family walks instead of watching TV. Get your kids involved with sports. Demonstrating a complete healthy lifestyle will be better for your kids rather than trying to get him to lose 30lbs.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Satya said:


> I can kind of empathize, as I'm attracted to minds first and foremostly. My husband has carried extra weight his whole life but I don't think about it at all because my eating habits and his are the same. We're really clean eaters, I've been a pescetarian for 27 years, he eats everything but he has a horrible metabolism.
> 
> Im less worried about your hubby's weight and more worried about how you feel judged by others. Does it matter to you so much what they think? They're not married to him, you are.
> 
> ...


Wow...

Your husband is a lucky man to have you as his wife.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Here's the thing about exercise:

Get involved in exercise for gaining strength, endurance and general well being.

NOT for losing weight.

I have been a lifelong exercise fanatic. And all it does [for me] is make me hungrier and thirstier.

Losing weight requires cutting back on calories. Nothing else works, long term.
Get rid of all the cookies, cakes, beer, chips in the house.

Eat two very small meals for breakfast and lunch.
Then eat a normal well balanced meal for dinner.

No snacking between meals. Fruits and vegetables are excepted.

Losing weight permanently is a life choice, not a short term whim.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

OP... go to the gym daily and get a young stud personal trainer. See if that motivates him. He's being selfish and lazy by not staying fit. He should be doing it for him AND you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

GuyInColorado said:


> OP... go to the gym daily and get a young stud personal trainer. See if that motivates him. He's being selfish and lazy by not staying fit. He should be doing it for him AND you.


Here is a complete list of everyone that ever lost weight or stayed fit for someone other than him or herself:







Done yet?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

We still have not heard, how much does he weigh?


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## WildMustang (Nov 7, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Here's the thing about exercise:
> 
> Get involved in exercise for gaining strength, endurance and general well being.
> 
> ...


Hungrier, thirstier and hornier...Let's not forget hornier!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

So you married an ugly guy and you didn't want to be married to an ugly guy? There is not enough nuance in the world to cover this. There is an old saying that applies here. Men marry women thinking they will never change, Women marry men thinking they will change. Both are wrong.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Look up the idea behind the keto diets. 

I have seen a keto diet work wonders. That first week is tough though, as you have to cut carbs out, complex or otherwise. 

Its easier than caloric restriction because you can eat till you are full, you just have to change what you eat.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Life lesson: don't marry someone and expect them to change -- no matter how much they promise they will. 

What if he does lose the weight so you can try for a baby and then after the baby's here he gains all of it back and then some?


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

A woman marries a man expecting that she's going to change him.

A man marries a woman and expects she'll never change.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

What does he eat usually?
How did you come up with the 30 lbs number?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Lady1010 said:


> ... I think many of you are responding to how the idea feels *in your mind*. Of course it sounds like I don't accept him and of course, I sound shallow *in your mind*. But here's the thing, the reality of the situation is much more nuanced than it sounds *in your minds*. None of us marries a person purely for who they are. We marry them for who they are, and also because of what they add to our lives. My husband wanted a wife who is ambitious and has at least a graduate degree. We have a certain shared vision for us and our family. He's being frustratingly slow at holding up his side of the bargain, which is causing my anxiety.


Well, what the heck do you expect when people respond, other than to say what is in THEIR minds???? 

What I'm concluding is between you and your husband, you want:

A physically active/fit family who share in activities that maintain fitness.
A wife that needed to have at least a grad degree.
A wife who is ambitious.
A physically fit husband.
A family who eats healthy and maintains a weight that reflects said diet/activities.

Well, fine, if these are your goals. The thing is, he has decided said weight and fitness goals aren't at the top of his priority list right now. No, you don't necessarily come across as shallow, rather as somewhat controlling/obsessive. The thing is, you have absolutely no control whatsoever over what he chooses to do - or not do in this situation. He's let himself go. He doesn't want to get in shape. You can have an infinite number of discussions, but it won't make him change.

Why do you sound shallow? Because you specifically stated you are concerned about what other people will think when they see an out-of-shape man. I'll let you in on a little secret here: Most people don't give a damn. Seriously. They have plenty of their own challenges/issues to deal with in everyday life. They aren't discussing your slightly flabby husband. Who is? YOU.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Fat on people is not a good look, I don't care how many "plus sized" anti-body shaming models cram their ham hocks into inappropriate and ill fitting lingerie and post it on Instagram. Men, women, fat is not a good look on people.

I wouldn't blame anyone for becoming unattracted to their spouse after they put on 30lbs. I wouldn't be mean about it, but I would say something like 



> before we were married, you were active, we were active, and since getting married you've become a bit lazy and you've put on a lot of weight. You can't reasonably expect me to have the same level of attraction to you after you've put on a significant amount of weight. I also feel like you are giving up just because you married me, like you have me locked down so there's no need to try anymore"


Nothing wrong with just being honest and straightforward about it. He's gotten fat and a bit gross, and you don't like it, not unreasonable at all.

Fat people whining are a bit annoying, they hate being fat and it makes them depressed and feel insecure. But it's relatively simple to change. Stop ****ing eating so much and move a bit. The guy who is 5'4 is screwed, can't do a thing about it. the ugly person is just ugly, can't really do anything (although for women make-up can do a lot). Small ****? Stupid? Those are unchangeable real world problems. If fat is your biggest issue, you're a few months from solving your life's worst issue.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Lady1010 Is he prediabetic, perhaps? This condition is now thought to be responsible for many cases of overweight in people who develop diabetes. It's the diabetes that cause weight retention, not the being overweight that causes the diabetes.

He needs an HbA1c blood test to check for diabetes.

You use a lot of pulses? So does my wife, however, she's limited the amount of ghee she uses as that can add calories to meals.

You "Got over his hair situation"?

You were able to "get over" something he has no control over? 

How jolly decent of you!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I wanted to chew on this a bit more before deciding to add something to my response. To begin with, you can't get your husband to agree to lose weight even if it was part of the initial marital agreement. Coming here to get a legion of total cyberspace strangers to agree with your opinion won't further your argument either. If you take a straw poll of people who think you are right, it won't advance your contention that he should lose the weight. 

No matter from what angle you approach this, he will only lose weight if he wants to. Okay, so he broke some agreement. He isn't cheating on you, is he? If he broke that part of the contract, you would get a lot more support to heave him to the curb. Sorry, but you DO come across as somewhat superficial, because you don't sound concerned about his health or wellbeing. More like you are concerned about how you will appear to the general public. As I previously stated, you would be surprised at how little other people think about you and/or your husband.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lady1010 said:


> You guys are all jumping the gun with "leave him" and "you're too immature". Slow down!
> 
> This is something he committed to before getting married. He wants to raise kids in a home that is physically active and healthy. He doesn't want our kids to have the same weight issues he has had.
> 
> Secondly, I think many of you are responding to how the idea feels in your mind. Of course it sounds like I don't accept him and of course, I sound shallow in your mind. But here's the thing, the reality of the situation is much more nuanced than it sounds in your minds. None of us marries a person purely for who they are. We marry them for who they are, and also because of what they add to our lives. My husband wanted a wife who is ambitious and has at least a graduate degree. We have a certain shared vision for us and our family. He's being frustratingly slow at holding up his side of the bargain, which is causing my anxiety.


Yeah but you are not saying he got fat like this is a bate and switch you are saying now that you are married you have a problem with it. You are the one who is switching. 

You should not have married this man, you did the classic marry someone and then try to change them. From what you say he has always had trouble with his weight why did you think that would change? That was a mistake. 

I am not saying you are wrong to want someone you are attracted to. Personally I think a 20 pounds fluctuation it pretty normal in life. You married man you are not attracted to, I bet. Though you say it is because you are embarrassed by him. I really can't think of much worse then knowing your spouse is embarrassed by you. 

This is just sad. Now he is trapped.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

???

I certainly get avoiding people who are heavy who you don’t find attractive
I also get being upset if you marry someone in shape then after the wedding they let themselves go

what I don’t get is why you would marry someone you expected to change? That has never worked. Very few people are capable of making permanent lifestyle changes. I would also argue that those very few who do only do it because it is inside THEM to want to change. Not for another person.

He certinaly won’t change only because you’re worried what other people think, unless he is still in high school


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> ???
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Now this song is stuck in my head — I have 2 that are HS seniors this year and one who is a college freshman  


https://youtu.be/jrxI_euTX4A


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

OP, as others have pointed out, you made the classic mistake of expecting your husband to change post marriage. 

I'm a bit flummoxed. You love how he is, but you are unhappy with how he looks. And I agree with some of the other posters who imply that you are the judging person, not your friends or family.

I have spent five plus decades on this earth, and this is what I have learned thus far...you cannot change a person's behavior.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> If you are happy with your choice of mate that is all that matters. Who cares what other people may or may not think?


But she isn’t. 

This isn’t about what other people think. It is about what she thinks. She’s not attracted to her husband physically.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

You only have two choices here.

If as you said in your OP the primary concern is what others will think, then the problem is yours to fix.

If on the other hand the truth is that YOU do not like him overweight, then by far the most useful approach is to tell him that you are no longer attracted to him, then spell out in no unclear terms what this means for his marriage and sex life. 

Should be then decide to lose the weight to regain your desire, the work will be by himself for himself, which is the only route to success.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

OP, my gf is certainly more than 30 lbs. overweight. I am not a good judge of how much, because I am really bad at noticing weight change, gain, etc. I am guessing she is between 50-70 lbs. overweight.

She was like that when I met her. And when I met her in person, I was completely blown away by her. There was something about her demeanor, the way she moved, the way she spoke...I was instantly attracted to her.

She's an old school butch girl. She holds doors open for me, always has me in front of her, unless it's the "danger" side of a sidewalk. She is chivalrous.

I suspect I am a bit more like you in that I have always been slender, I cook "clean", I make an effort when I go anywhere, even just to work. I can hike until the cows come home, and that's my favorite activity, hiking. She loves to hike with me, and she keeps up with me.

She totally brings it to the bedroom. We have the same drive and level of kinkiness.

In other words, I am a very lucky woman.

I knew when I met her that a) she is overweight, and b) it doesn't matter to me because she is the most amazing person I have ever dated. 

I was proud to introduce her to my family and friends, because she treats me so well, and I love her.

It doesn't make you bad if appearances are really important to you, or weight, or whatever...but if you can't accept your hubs for who he is, if you really think it's your life's work to change him...you really do need to let him go. I have to believe there is a straight version of me out there who will love him up just as he is.

You need to be happy, he needs to be happy.

Let go, and let both of you find that happiness.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

It sounds like you more or less “settled” rather than marrying him because you were deeply in love. That doesn’t usually bode well for the long term.

Also, it sounds like you may have a generalized anxiety disorder. Your over-worry about what others think of your choice of a mate + the fact that his appearance fills you with anxiety probably warrants a trip to a counselor.

Honestly, you’re probably a mismatch. Doesn’t sound like you’re attracted to him the right way for the long haul—he doesn’t float your boat, so to speak.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Lady:
I wonder if you should talk to my wife, when we married, I had my weight under control, but I was hovering around 225. I wrestled in college, and maintained. We got married as I was leaving school. I became an accountant. Sat on my rear all day. Ballooned to, at my highest, 325lbs. My wife had a weight problem as well, got it all off and has kept it off. Me, it took two heart attacks and a screaming case of diabetes before I got religion. Got to Weight Watchers (my wife is lifetime), learned to eat, got my sugars under control, and it came off. Joined a gym, go a few times a week. Life is a hell of a lot easier when you are not dragging a big spare tire around. You don't realize it, until it is not dragging you down.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Lady1010 said:


> I am feeling quite anxious about how people judge my husband - and me for having chosen him.
> 
> He's a very loving and ambitious guy. He's doing well in life career-wise. But he lost his hair in his 20s, and carries extra 30ish lbs around. It does not make him look good. His hair I have no concerns with, he keeps it shaved. But his weight I have a lot of difficulty with. I have been swallowing my feelings around it for the last year or so (i.e. having very careful conversations about it with him and not expressing feelings to anyone else).
> 
> ...




- Being over weight is a very sensitive issue for many. If you talk about it, someone gets upset and nothing happens.


- If he's 30+ lbs over weight, that's not horrible, compared to say 100 lbs over weight.


- Going to the gym, eating better, staying in good shape is everyone's responsibility.


- I say, you go to the gym more, eat better, go out more, and he should clue in to do the same.


- There is nothing wrong with you wanting your man to be in good shape. Nothing wrong at all.


- If he truly loves you, he would be in the gym already, eating better and doing what it takes to get back in shape again, for you, his health, longevity, confidence, bedroom and marriage.


- You sound like me and your hubby sounds like my wife.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Lady1010 said:


> I am feeling quite anxious about how people judge my husband - and me for having chosen him.


Was it one-sided... you choosing him?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> ???
> 
> I certainly get avoiding people who are heavy who you don’t find attractive
> I also get being upset if you marry someone in shape then after the wedding they let themselves go
> ...


Agreed.

OP, only you know where you can go from here.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

While the anxiety stems from within you, I do feel it's important to be aware of who we surround ourselves with. Do you have a supportive base of people -- or are you surrounded by people who unnecessarily critique you? Being around supportive people who not only have your back, but your husband's too, is worth their weight in gold.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OP, I really do understand wanting a healthy husband and a healthy household in the future. This is not a bad thing at all. Also being 30lbs overweight now could lead to being a lot more overweight in the near future and once kids arrive will affect time with the kids, not to mention setting a bad example for kids.

However ...

I would say if friends were genuinely concerned for his health and safety, that would be OK. But it sounds like they are telling you that you settled for a fat slob or something like that and that he is punching above his weight (excuse the pun). In that case, they are posionous and you would, in deed, be shallow to pay any attention to them.

Battling weight is one of the toughest fights around. Especially once you start working and get busy with life. It really is about prioritising one's time, having the right support around and removing temptation.

Healthy eating is where it starts and here is where you can be helpful. Ensure that the ONLY things to eat in the house are carb-free, fresh, organic etc. No fizzy drinks, remove alcohol as much as you can etc. There will be a backlash but at least the house will be a safe zone. Also he will start to get used to what there is to eat and drink. When going out, try and pick places that do good salads, offer fish, etc. else avoid going out.

Exercise. Going to a gym may be pleasant for some but for the most part, gyms are miserable places for overweight people. Walking is far more useful in this case. Go places where he is entertained while he walks around. Either by it being beautiful or interesting etc. Other things to do are swimming, biking or even competitive sports. I say competitive because it removes the focus from losing weight and puts it where it should be, on winning!

You will soon establish a lifestyle that involves walking around a leisure area, swimming, eating tasty healthy food and fruit, travelling, and looking to beat the Jones' at the next doubles tennis match! If he agrees to go to a gym treat that as a bonus not a must.

And when you see your toxic friends, make sure you start the conversation with how fantastic your husband is and how thoughtful etc unlike others (and pick from examples among them but don't name them) who have some nasty faults (like gossiping about others, putting other people down without knowing the full story etc.).

It is normal to be anxious about this, so finally, make sure that you deal with your anxiety in the right way. Get help if needed.

Good luck!


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Hi,
He is obligated as you are too to look your best, That involves eating healthy, exercising, and weight loss plan and live up to it. Otherwise you are destined to fail. Your feelings will turn into contempt and you will leave. It sounds like you are at that stage. both listen to this audio CD... It will save your marriage... Thanks and good luck. audio CD book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger called Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. 

Here is a life line, but both must want it...
Good luck
David.

You both need to listen to the audio CD book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. and all the mariage books by John Gottman, P.H.D. It will be the best thing you ever do for each other, Give love and appreciation as if you were to see your spouse the last time. You will get 100 x more love in return, It works.


These are the instruction manuals if you both love each other and want to be married to age 92. The day of marriage isn't the end goal, The end goal is what you are going to accomplish together. Look up the work Beshera and Marriage within a marriage in the book/read this one too...How to stop looking for someone perfect and find someone to love by Judith Sills,Book No more perfect Marriages; Mark and Jill Savage

What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal
byJohn Gottman Ph.D.

Customer Review
5.0 out of 5 starsMUST MUST READ, LISTEN TO AUDIO BOOK, AND DO EXERCISES. MARRIAGE DEPENDS ON IT.
ByDavid L.on February 13, 2017
Format: Paperback|Verified Purchase
A must read along with this 7 principles and 10 things. Every couple should listen to the audio book and read the book or get the books to do the exercises. They should learn these principles in this book and apply them. It is the hardest thing you can do is deal with feelings, ask for needs met that both win. It really could save a marriage and get both on track for a more satisfying relationship, intimacy inside and outside the bedroom. I wish I had this book before the last horsemen came to our house, "contempt." by that stage the relationship is done with no chance of recommencement. A must do before marriage and after. What I mean to talk to your spouse and lay it on the line is hard for wive's and husband's to communicate so close that you become one person. It's scary. There just be enough trust to share but you have to because it gets to the bottom of problems after emotions and feelings, then needs are met. You will feel naked, afraid, embarrassed, and maybe reconnect. Good luck. Another poster did not like the analogies. But the analogies about boxes, outside the zone, or where you close yourself off to your partner are good. The author explains why we close each other off, don't get close via emotional and sensually sexual to bond. The author tells us how to fix it. I would even say to Gottman's retreats and get a marriage counselor too to work through the issues that repeatedly come up and don't change. The three books I mentioned along with the Audio CD's is a must. Please buy them. It can save a marriage. It is amazing how stupid we act when a woman don't get the feeling of being emotionally close to her husband and listened to and a husband isn't admired and thought of a good man and provider. You will learn how to relate by learning opportunities tha build each other up and not tear down. Women bond due to emotional level that is given from the husband. The the husband provides an emotional connection which equals many lovable payoffs to a husband. The wife provides admiration and affection the husband. He will feel wonderful and provide multiple communicative and affectionate actions toward his wife in which she will love and reciprocate more freely.


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