# Opposite Gender Best Friend



## sunshine32 (Mar 24, 2015)

Hey all-

I'm sure this topic has beaten to death but my situation is a bit different. My best friend is a male (I'm a female) and we have known eachother literally since I came home from the hospital. Our moms were best friends and we were 9 days apart in age so we were raised very much like family. We had a lot of shared parties, camping trips, etc throughout the years. 
I have been married to my wonderful husband about a year and a half (together about 3 and a half years) and he is also friends with my best friend. They had a rocky start to their friendship but get along okay now. So sometimes we hang out as a group, sometimes just me and my friend. 
This has never been and issue and to be honest I've never given it any thought. My friend has been a part of my life and family for so long that I've never questioned the whole "opposite gender friendship" thing. Lately I've been getting questions though - "You're husbands okay with that? Doesn't he get jealous?", etc. I haven't paid it too much though but now my friend won free tickets to a concert and asked me to go with him. I asked my husband to verify we didn't have any plans first and said sure why not. But now I'm thinking to myself... are people silently judging thinking I'm acting inappropriately or cheating on my husband or something? I can't think of a more platonic friendship - he's more like a brother than a friend. So what's the problem? Am I missing something?
Additionally, my husband has several close female friends. Some I like, some I don't. However, I don't think anything of it if he wants to hang out with them.

Thanks!


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

If you and your H are okay with it - doesn't really matter what other people think. If your H has good boundaries and isn't jealous of this other guy (and telling you the truth about it) - then I wouldn't worry too much. Each marriage is different. 

Personally, I don't do the opposite sex friendship thing in my marriage. If we had opposite sex friends, we wouldn't go out with them one on one. It would always be a group activity.

It's rare for men to want to just be friends with women though. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, just that it doesn't happen often. Usually, they have something else in mind.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Sunshine-

I is nice to read that you are taking such consideration in your marriage. It sounds like you have a great friend. But now that you are married, your husband's feeling should trump.

It sounds like he is okay with your friendship. In fact, if I read your post correctly, your best friend would be considered a friend to both of you.

Now, I do want to speak awareness to you... 

This is not a "Danger, Danger Will Robinson" moment, but it should be something that requires attention...

Make sure you are balancing your time with your husband..giving each other at least 15 hours a week of enjoyable, undivided attention. If you're interested go to marriagebuilders.com and read the articles about recreational companionship. Just don't allow another man to meet your needs at the expense of your husband.


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## sunshine32 (Mar 24, 2015)

> It's rare for men to want to just be friends with women though. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, just that it doesn't happen often. Usually, they have something else in mind.


Normally I would be inclined to agree with you, however, when you live in a small town I think you tend to have more mixed circles of friends for the simple fact a) there's not as many of you and b) you've all known each other since you were small children. Knowing someone that long seems to make them... idk... not seem gender specific? That sounds bad lol but what I mean is when you've known someone since you were in kindergarten you tend not to "notice" their gender so match rather than they're just who they are.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Personally, I have been burned by the OSF thing in two relationships where I was the LT partner .... experiencing in little and sometimes big ways that showed that my husband was more concerned about someone else's feelings than mine.

However, you seem to insist that there is not a problem here, certainly not one with your husband.



> "You're husbands okay with that? Doesn't he get jealous?"


Possibly, they're seeing, hearing things that you are not. Sometimes, people say that they will go along with something because they are afraid that they will appear jealous and not hip and cool. 

Maybe these same friends are aware of what your husband is doing with his female friends and think that your hanging out with another guy is his justification.

How much time per week do you on average spend with your male friend? including the time you spend with him electroncally ie FBing, texting and so on.

How much time per week does your husband spend with his female friends? in person and electroncally.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I would ask if you are physically attracted AT ALL to your male best friend.. and has he had GF's...how old is he? If not.. why not?.. were you friends with them too..and how did they handle his friendship with you? Many women would have raised eye brows too...

I can easily see where a physical attraction, spending time alone, then opening up (as good friends do) about what is happening in your lives, confiding in each other, seeking support if needed....can stir hormones towards each other.. this can be a slippery slope for the vast majority of us.. male & female.. just something to keep in mind..

Do you & he have specific boundaries that you never touch "relationship issues" for instance ?


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## Tubbalard (Feb 8, 2015)

perception many times is stronger than reality. I think since you are married now you do need to take in account of these things. Concerts and any other events that give off the appearance of looking shady even if nothing is going on, might need to be curbed. But ultimately if your Husband is ok with it, then cool beans peaches and cream, but I do think preservatiom of your marriage is key. It's a slippery slope, and its not my position to tell you what to do but if I was in that situation, I would probably limit those type of situations, because I believe I there is an obligation to protect a marriage at all costs. Sometimes it might even have to be at the expense of a lifelong friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Not sure how old you are, but at some point, going out 1-on-1 with OSF while spouse stays at home looks an awful lot like dating.

With jobs, kids and mortgages, there is barely enough time for spouses to be together as it is. To the outside world, it does look weird because your other married friends are wondering how that all works since they're fighting for alone time themselves.

What happens after you've been married 10, 15, 20 years and you inevitably take each other for granted, fight, have health issues, etc. that hurt the relationship? All married couples have bumps in the road. Instead of turning towards your spouse, will you turn to your "BFF" guy? Read the stories on TAM to see how that works out so often.

Not saying you have to give up your friends, but responsibilities and priorities change as we get older. Make sure you're putting the focus of your energy and emotions to the right person.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

yeah_right said:


> Not sure how old you are, but at some point, going out 1-on-1 with OSF while spouse stays at home looks an awful lot like dating.
> 
> With jobs, kids and mortgages, there is barely enough time for spouses to be together as it is. To the outside world, it does look weird because your other married friends are wondering how that all works since they're fighting for alone time themselves.
> 
> ...


I have to agree with this post. I think it looks a lot like dating, and it can look weird to others.

I'm sure it can be a cultural thing too. Someone mentioned it not being as big of a deal in a rural area, but i live in a rural area and find it just the opposite. I'm not saying people don't have opposite sex friends, but they don't hand out with them away from their spouse. If I had 5 minutes to name someone who does that where I'm from and win a million dollars, i wouldn't win the million. It just seems like a slippery slope to me.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Did he ever ask you to date when you were younger? 

Did either of you ever make a pass at the other?

If you've always been platonic friends - than there's nothing wrong with this. 

And your H gets props for being secure. 






sunshine32 said:


> Hey all-
> 
> I'm sure this topic has beaten to death but my situation is a bit different. My best friend is a male (I'm a female) and we have known eachother literally since I came home from the hospital. Our moms were best friends and we were 9 days apart in age so we were raised very much like family. We had a lot of shared parties, camping trips, etc throughout the years.
> I have been married to my wonderful husband about a year and a half (together about 3 and a half years) and he is also friends with my best friend. They had a rocky start to their friendship but get along okay now. So sometimes we hang out as a group, sometimes just me and my friend.
> ...


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

You can set any rules you want in your marriage. Looks like he knew of male bff before you married so can't say it's a surprise to him.

I wouldn't do it myself but to each their own. Life is Russian roulette. I prefer not adding an extra bullet to the mix.

Clarity. You've never had relations with your bff?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm not a big fan of opposite sex friends, unless they're a couple friend and you see them together. But if it's working for you guys that's all that matters. 

Do you know for sure that your hb is ok with it? But then again, if he has close female friends he doesn't have room to talk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> .
> 
> Clarity. You've never had relations with your bff?


If you did does your husband know?


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

sunshine32 said:


> Hey all-
> 
> I'm sure this topic has beaten to death but my situation is a bit different. My best friend is a male (I'm a female) and we have known eachother literally since I came home from the hospital. Our moms were best friends and we were 9 days apart in age so we were raised very much like family. We had a lot of shared parties, camping trips, etc throughout the years.
> I have been married to my wonderful husband about a year and a half (together about 3 and a half years) and he is also friends with my best friend. They had a rocky start to their friendship but get along okay now. So sometimes we hang out as a group, sometimes just me and my friend.
> ...


Different people handle things in different ways, but the bolded words were told to me verbatim - before a full blown EA was discovered and a divorce followed.

Personally, I can see nothing but downside potential in OS friendships. Little things can sometimes turn into big things. Just add a couple of quarrels and see what can happen.

You and your H know what works for you, and THAT's what counts.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If it works for you and your husband, don't worry about other people. Just tell them that you're both okay with it and nothing inappropriate is going on.

We both have OSF friends, and it has never been a problem. Occasionally we've even told other friends that if they see either of us out with an OSF, it's all above board and they need not worry about us.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I have a very close female friend that I knew for many years before I was married. We have never had a romantic or sexual relationship. We both agree that in many ways we are too much a like and anything more than friends would go sour quickly.


My wife and the friend initially got along and even traveled together but for a number of reasons in recent years their relationship seems to have cooled.

It sometimes creates tension but I think it is most because they don't get along as friends than jealousy. I'm an open book about all my interactions with her and my wife knows I have zero interest in changing the relationship.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Fitnessfan said:


> I always thought it was possible. My best friend of 39 years was a guy. My husband became friends with him as well and they did some things without me. He and I still got together without hubby until last year after all that time he told me he was in love with me and had been since we were kids and hubby nixed the friendship. So much for that...kinda sucks.


How disrespectful to your marriage and deceptive to your husband on his part. 

Every man knows telling a woman how he feels about her works on her thoughts and emotions.

39 years and you had no idea?

Did your husband have an inkling all along but feel he could not address it?

Why did he share it with you now, did you discuss some issue in your marriage or about your husband with him?

What do you think he hoped to accomplish by telling you?

I am not actually asking for answers here just suggesting some questions that arise in my thinking when I hear that.

He was not a friend of your marriage, but I am sure you feel like you lost a friend and he feels like he lost a love interest, for now anyway.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

staarz21 said:


> If you and your H are okay with it - doesn't really matter what other people think. If your H has good boundaries and isn't jealous of this other guy (and telling you the truth about it) - then I wouldn't worry too much. Each marriage is different.


This.

Personally, I've never had an issue with this kind of thing. My husband can be friends with whoever he wants, I can be friends with whoever I want, and we trust each other to act appropriately if it ever seemed like one of those friends had the wrong idea. If my husband ever told me that I couldn't be friends with someone... just because they have a penis, I guess, I'd think he was being extremely unreasonable - but I also wouldn't have married him if his boundaries conflicted with mine to such an extent.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

batsociety said:


> This.
> 
> Personally, I've never had an issue with this kind of thing. My husband can be friends with whoever he wants, I can be friends with whoever I want, and we trust each other to act appropriately if it ever seemed like one of those friends had the wrong idea. If my husband ever told me that I couldn't be friends with someone... just because they have a penis, I guess, I'd think he was being extremely unreasonable - but I also wouldn't have married him if his boundaries conflicted with mine to such an extent.


"Just because they have a penis" is minimizing. As an intersex couple what is the risk to your relationship by someone you could potentially be attracted to? Both you and your husband have a penis, but what type of mental/emotional ties would be inappropriate? It goes beyond sex alone, there is always a potential for an emotional affair. Things can shift gradually from the marriage to an unhealthy support in the friendship.

Many many people on this board have taken small steps into a very damaging situation. There is no hard and fast consensus, but the world of relationships is strewn with the wounded lives of people who were sure they could never cheat.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

You know your friend would sleep with you in a new york minute, don't you?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sunshine32 said:


> But now I'm thinking to myself... are people silently judging thinking I'm acting inappropriately or cheating on my husband or something?


Yes. Some people are/will. Hence, the questions you've come across.



sunshine32 said:


> I have been married to my wonderful husband about a year and a half (together about 3 and a half years) and he is also friends with my best friend. *They had a rocky start to their friendship* but get along okay now.


I'm curious. Why?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MachoMcCoy said:


> You know your friend would sleep with you in a new york minute, don't you?


:rofl: After much debate about OSF on TAM, I had to test out the theory on one of my longest friendships with my guy friend (have known him since we were in junior high). He told me point blank, "I mean, I would totally have sex with you, Jellybeans." I appreciated his honesty. Hahaha.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

Decorum said:


> How disrespectful to your marriage and deceptive to your husband on his part.
> 
> Every man knows telling a woman how he feels about her works on her thoughts and emotions.
> 
> ...


OP...just be careful. Be honest with yourself as to whether you or he have any feelings beyond friendship. Set some boundaries as to talking to him about your marriage unless it's all super positive. Don't let your guard down and don't ever say anything to him you wouldn't say right in front of your husband. Good luck!


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

Decorum said:


> "Just because they have a penis" is minimizing. As an intersex couple what is the risk to your relationship by someone you could potentially be attracted to? Both you and your husband have a penis, but what type of mental/emotional ties would be inappropriate? It goes beyond sex alone, there is always a potential for an emotional affair. Things can shift gradually from the marriage to an unhealthy support in the friendship.


I used that terminology because I was trying to highlight the ridiculousness of not allowing your SO to have a friend that shares ONE similarity with the kind of person they could possibly be attracted to. I realize that is minimizing the issue, but that's the primary attitude I have seen from people on this forum and elsewhere when it comes to OSFs. The status of the friend's junk seems to be the #1 concern, anything else is irrelevant and you _know_ that if this was a same-sex friend, there wouldn't be an issue to begin with.

Maybe I'm more open to this kind of thing because we are a same-gender couple, and because my husband is bisexual and it would be ridiculous for me to perceive every one of his friends as a threat. If he exhibited some sort of... I don't know, unusual interest towards one of our hot-and-into-dudes friends, then I might be concerned. But that hasn't happened, we've never had any issues. I'm not going to waste time worrying about something that I have no reason to worry about, y'know?


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

It's good that you are willing to look at it following certaon people's reactions - not because you have to be dictated by them but it just means you have an open mind and are open to looking at your friendship more critically. 

At a glance, you sound fine, but it's always good to keep a few things in mind with OS friendships 

1. Be careful talking about marriage issues with him. Aside from him now being a mutual friend to you and H, things can get complicated when going through difficult patches in marriage. I myself went through a difficult time when my husband had a bipolar episode and was in hospital. An older married man from my church made a real point of offering comfort at that time but because I was vulnerable and pouring out my marriage stuff i began feeling drawn to this man. Now I would not find him attractive or anything but when your marriage is in a vulnerable place or there's unmet needs, even if temporary, it can be tricky if another man is the one there to catch you. 

2. Also best to steer clear of conversation re sex, experiences, past experiences, even if for a laugh. Very different talking with a girl than a guy.

3. It may be worth asking H for the record if he's OK with your closeness or the time you spend together


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

You shouldn't really care about ppl .

It could work , and may be your husband is like you in his friendship with females.

The issue is that :

If one day you have a huge disagreement with your husband about anything "Color of sky , financial issues , etc..." . 

And lest say you got physically away from husband for sometime .

Who would be the closest person to you ?

the friend will be closer to you than your husband , and might try to make you feel better , emotionally and ....
physically.

I would say , you can keep this friend , but no more really one to one occasions ; involve your husband , and gradually expect him to involve you ....


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

My best friend was a female ( still friends but we maintain distances); 
She is married , love her husband a lot .

she cried when she felt That I was abused due to sex deprivation ; discovered it by coincidence from my wife .

The care of the friend made her cry , and at a point of time ; she wanted to make me happy ... If we fell into that trap at that time ; her life would have been destroyed ....


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

batsociety said:


> *I used that terminology because I was trying to highlight the ridiculousness of not allowing your SO to have a friend that shares ONE similarity with the kind of person they could possibly be attracted to. *I realize that is minimizing the issue, but that's the primary attitude I have seen from people on this forum and elsewhere when it comes to OSFs. The status of the friend's junk seems to be the #1 concern, anything else is irrelevant and you _know_ that if this was a same-sex friend, there wouldn't be an issue to begin with.
> 
> Maybe I'm more open to this kind of thing because we are a same-gender couple, and because my husband is bisexual and it would be ridiculous for me to perceive every one of his friends as a threat. If he exhibited some sort of... I don't know, unusual interest towards one of our hot-and-into-dudes friends, then I might be concerned. But that hasn't happened, we've never had any issues. I'm not going to waste time worrying about something that I have no reason to worry about, y'know?


That's not true. I used to be very pro OSF until I realised that pattern .... that is, as soon as a woman felt like she had a direct line to my husband, I no longer existed in her mind. I was just the extra appendage that HER friend might want to bring along.

How do you stop another woman from behaving like that? My solution is to never let any woman feel as if she has that kind of direct channel to my husband in the first place.

IF someone with a vagina is going to diss me just because I have a vagina just like she does, well, I don't want her in my life. And that includes any dealings that she would like to have with my husband.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> How do you stop another woman from behaving like that? My solution is to never let any woman feel as if she has that kind of direct channel to my husband in the first place.
> 
> IF someone with a vagina is going to diss me just because I have a vagina just like she does, well, I don't want her in my life. And that includes any dealings that she would like to have with my husband.


Obviously, that's not the kind of friend I want, or the kind of friend I would want for my husband. That's not a healthy friend, that's a fairly problematic one. All of our friends - both mutual friends and the few separate ones - know that we're a package deal. If anyone starts acting like they don't really want the other half around, that's a giant red flag.

But that's kind of my thing, like, I don't care how that woman (or man) behaves towards my husband. I trust my husband to shoot them the hell down. _That's_ the important part for me. People are a*sholes, and I totally accept that some of them aren't going to care whether he's married or not. It's on _him_ to say "no, that's not going to fly" and I _know_ that he'll do that. That's why I'm not concerned.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Jellybeans said:


> :rofl: After much debate about OSF on TAM, I had to test out the theory on one of my longest friendships with my guy friend (have known him since we were in junior high). He told me point blank, "I mean, I would totally have sex with you, Jellybeans." I appreciated his honesty. Hahaha.


Hey it could have been worse as in "No way JB. You're like my little sister" and leave you wondering "Do I stink?"


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

batsociety said:


> Obviously, that's not the kind of friend I want, or the kind of friend I would want for my husband. That's not a healthy friend, that's a fairly problematic one. All of our friends - both mutual friends and the few separate ones - know that we're a package deal. If anyone starts acting like they don't really want the other half around, that's a giant red flag.
> 
> *But that's kind of my thing, like, I don't care how that woman (or man) behaves towards my husband. I trust my husband to shoot them the hell down. *_That's_ the important part for me. People are a*sholes, and I totally accept that some of them aren't going to care whether he's married or not. It's on _him_ to say "no, that's not going to fly" and I _know_ that he'll do that. That's why I'm not concerned.


Reflecting on my failed marriage, I get the feeling that my husband would have preferred more if I had taken care of those things. Perhaps, that means quite simply end the friendship get rid of that person from our lives. why should he have to do the hachet job,especially when I am the one who brought that person into our lives.

Everyone is different and every couple is different. If people prefer to avoid the problems that arise from OSFs by simply not having OSFs, well, there's nothing wrong with that.

and, btw, I do care how people treat my husband. And I also care about how these same people treat me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dogbert said:


> Hey it could have been worse as in "No way JB. You're like my little sister" and leave you wondering "Do I stink?"


Oh I didn't take it as a bad thing at all. It was complimentary, made me feel good. Doesn't hurt that he isn't bad looking either.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh I didn't take it as a bad thing at all. It was complimentary, made me feel good. Doesn't hurt that he isn't bad looking either.


Cant remember if you are married JB. If so, does that give you pause at all? That he would sleep with you if given the chance and you find him at least somewhat attractive?

Cant remember your exact situation so just curious here.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Middle of Everything said:


> Cant remember if you are married JB. If so, does that give you pause at all? That he would sleep with you if given the chance and you find him at least somewhat attractive?
> 
> Cant remember your exact situation so just curious here.


Well we were both single at the time he said it and I am not married (neither is he). So no, it didn't give me pause in a bad way. Plus honesty is the best policy. I asked him a question and he answered. So it was all good.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Fitnessfan said:


> I always thought it was possible. My best friend of 39 years was a guy. My husband became friends with him as well and they did some things without me. He and I still got together without hubby until last year after all that time he told me he was in love with me and had been since we were kids and hubby nixed the friendship. So much for that...kinda sucks.


Every single person who posts about OS friends should be forced to read this twenty five times, Fitness.

You've seen the "other side" of it - not just the "we trust each other SO much" stuff (which, by the way is great for those who can and do).


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

lonelyhusband321 said:


> Every single person who posts about OS friends should be forced to read this twenty five times, Fitness.
> 
> You've seen the "other side" of it - not just the "we trust each other SO much" stuff (which, by the way is great for those who can and do).


Isnt that a great post, FF has that quality of objective honesty that makes her posts so worthwhile.

And JB is no tarnished serving platter either but dogbert left me cleaning coffee off my computer screen.



Dogbert said:


> "Do I stink?"


 :rofl:


.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dogbert said:


> Hey it could have been worse as in "No way JB. You're like my little sister" and leave you wondering "Do I stink?"





Decorum said:


> And JB is no tarnished serving platter either but dogbert left me cleaning coffee off my computer screen.
> :rofl:


Oh I agree. :rofl:


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Fitnessfan said:


> I always thought it was possible. My best friend of 39 years was a guy. My husband became friends with him as well and they did some things without me. He and I still got together without hubby until last year after all that time he told me he was in love with me and had been since we were kids and hubby nixed the friendship. So much for that...kinda sucks.


That's why i feel that opposite sex friends don't work much when in a relationship. I'll be careful not to make a blanket statement about all men, but all the men i have ever known or talked to in person concerning this subject agree that they don't spend a lot of time with a woman unless they are attracted to her. 

The guy's feelings may not ever be brought to light. It may be because he knows it shouldn't go farther, or he believes she only looks at him as a friend, and maybe he does get some satisfaction from being with her even though it's not a romantic relationship, but deep down there's a little spark of excitement for a woman that you like spending time with other than you like her knitting.

I don't think a guy hangs out with Jennifer Lopez on the side and sees her only as a buddy. That's just not how I'm wired or any other man that I know.


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