# How often/what/and why do you think of ex's?



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

The "Intrigued by wife's sexual history" thread was a real trigger for me. 

I strongly believe that I can consciously change my self and self-destructive thought patterns on a whole bunch of issues that I have towards women if I really put will power into it. But...

I would be terribly insecure in a marriage over my wife's past. This is the single biggest and hardest problem I need to work on. A poster in the thread mentioned said that he has found out that he was basically "Plan B" and "Plan A" was a "bad boy." 

I'm not a bad boy. I never will be. I can't hop from one woman's bed to another. I don't want to be a Plan B.

Ladies, how does your husband compare to your ex's (assuming you have ex's)? Do you think of them often? Were they better in some areas than your husband? Did you dump them or did they dump you? *Would you have given your husband the time of day if you two had met when you were younger and less concerned about LT relationships?*

I have really bad thoughts that the only reason a woman would be interested in me is as a safe provider. Not wild attraction and lust (that I can't generate these feelings).


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Yikes, nothing ladies?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Okay I'll bite. I dated a lot when younger and while I didn't sleep around I've done more sexually than my husband has. I drank heavily, partied and was yes into bad boys.

And then I grew up. 

That said here are my answers. My husband is the best guy I've ever dated. I do not think of my ex's at all. They were not better than my husband in ANY area. I dumped them. 

Your last question is a loaded one and it's unfair. I did a lot of things when I was young and stupid same as he did. I have no idea how I would have reacted had I met him sooner than I did. I met him at the exact time I was supposed to and we've been married for 22 years now.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

You need to change the issues and self destructive thought patterns you have with and about yourself first. Then you wont feel the need to worry or compare yourself to a womans ex or anybody else. Accept your own value and you won't ever see yourself as mearly a safe provider nor accept a women who treats or sees you that way. You don't need to be a bad boy you just need to believe in yourself and know all that you have to offer...to have the backbone to assert and stand up for yourself when you need to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You're asking an extraordinarily loaded question.

I don't expect you will get the kind of feedback you were hoping to.

The question in and of itself reeks of insecurity ... and I can tell you flatly, that quality is NEVER attractive.

Me? I have absolutely zero sympathy for any guy that chooses to measure his self worth by what kind of sex life his wife had prior to him.

Here is what I know. Any guy that ruminates on being plan b instead of focusing on the present, eventually will be plan b.

There is a grotesque double standard in terms of men wanting an upstanding lady on the streets and a sexually gymnastic freak between the sheets.

It is an extraordinarily unhealthy place to be in terms of sabotaging your relationship or marriage over something or someone that happened before you ever met your partner.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Deejo said:


> You're asking an extraordinarily loaded question.
> 
> I don't expect you will get the kind of feedback you were hoping to.
> 
> ...


Which is why I'm asking these questions anonymously online. I admitted to my insecurity in the OP. I want to get rid of these thoughts.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I think of ex's now and then.... something triggers a memory. Not a big deal. H and I talk about this stuff. Not like I have to report every thought.... but we talk about everything. 

When I think of ex H, it's usually in comparison to now H... and it's ALWAYS to ex H's detriment. I don't compare body parts. More like I think "OMG THIS is soooooooooo good, not like ex." Those thoughts happen. And that can apply to sex, discussions, finances, kids and step kids, everything and anything. 

Would I go back in time and date my H? I don't know... we both agree that ALL the experiences we've had prior to meeting each other is what brought us to each other.... neither of us are the same person now as we were 25 years ago.

ETA: I don't know about women in general, but I never hear women (friends, relatives, whatever) talk about or compare the exes to present relationships. Maybe in the context I mentioned above, if it's all better now than the past relationship.... but not in comparing sexual stuff, or even alpha/beta stuff. All the women I know are focused on THIS relationship, the current one. How it's going, what's working, what's not working, etc... Some of us are doing better than others, but no one is comparing to the ex.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

ntamph said:


> Which is why I'm asking these questions anonymously online. I admitted to my insecurity in the OP. I want to get rid of these thoughts.


Then you are probably going to have to risk opening up more than you already have.

Personally, I just can't relate to this mind-set. I have seen it here all of the time. I can only presume it comes from a place of fear, doubt and lack of self-confidence. Fear that you don't believe your partner finds you satisfactory, or that she will leave, or you aren't satisfying her or pulling your weight in the relationship. 

I don't know. 

I can understand if you don't know either, but you are going to have to take a hard look at yourself rather than focusing on your partner or what other women here may or may not have done.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I do think this in the context of one of my coworkers. She's about 30, and quite a beautiful woman. In her early 20's she dated big time bad boys. She's got a son now, and baby daddy is in the state pen for a long time. 

She's now engaged, and I do wonder what it's like for her hubby to be with that history. He's no wimp, not a beta guy. But I think that's a hard history to deal with. I'd be always wondering if she missed the bad boy in bed part even though she hated the drama and wanted it behind her.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> I do think this in the context of one of my coworkers. She's about 30, and quite a beautiful woman. In her early 20's she dated big time bad boys. She's got a son now, and baby daddy is in the state pen for a long time.
> 
> She's now engaged, and I do wonder what it's like for her hubby to be with that history. He's no wimp, not a beta guy. But I think that's a hard history to deal with. I'd be always wondering if she missed the bad boy in bed part even though she hated the drama and wanted it behind her.


This is what I mean. Is she really with her fiance because she loves him and wants him above all others or does she just have a smaller range of options because of what happened earlier in her life?


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

I'm going to focus on that last post, ntamph. It seems you believe that women can only feel a primal attraction to bad boys. 

For me, it isn't about whether my partner is a bad boy/alpha/whatever term you'd like. What turns me on is a willingness to challenge me when I have my head stuck up my a$$, motivation to better oneself, working with whatever gifts you WERE given and being comfortable in your own skin. 

The image that pops into my head when I hear bad boy/alpha is actually a complete turn off. When I was younger and more naive, I dated my share of those types. I hope my husband doesn't feel insecure knowing that, because those experiences taught me what i really want. 

I am 100% in lust with my husband, and he treats me like gold.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

MrsDavey said:


> I'm going to focus on that last post, ntamph. It seems you believe that women can only feel a primal attraction to bad boys.
> 
> For me, it isn't about whether my partner is a bad boy/alpha/whatever term you'd like. What turns me on is a willingness to challenge me when I have my head stuck up my a$$, motivation to better oneself, working with whatever gifts you WERE given and being comfortable in your own skin.
> 
> ...


This. This is what I need to think about. I shouldn't care at all about her past (except murders and stuff like that) but give who I really am to her and demand the same from her. Thank you for your post.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

ntamph said:


> This is what I mean. Is she really with her fiance because she loves him and wants him above all others or does she just have a smaller range of options because of what happened earlier in her life?


That's a lose/lose way of thinking about it.

You are either framing the woman who chooses to marry as a security seeking, manipulative liar simply taking the path of least resistance; or the man is dull-witted sucker that can be talked into anything with some pretty words and a pair of open legs.

And if you do think that way, I'm not going to knock you for it. Sometimes that is EXACTLY the case. But certainly not always, not remotely. All it means is that you to frame your mating strategy from that perspective, and YOU need to accept it.

It's a parasitic and completely self-centered view of relationships, (I'll stick around as long as I get what i want.) 

At some point you need to take your partner at their word. And then, you monitor what they DO to see if it matches up with their words.
Doesn't serve anyone to just poison the well without direct reason why.

Something tells me this isn't how you want to conduct your life.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

The ONLY time I ever think about an ex is if something triggers a memory.
Those memories are ALWAYS about the horrible shi**y things that they did, it's NEVER anything positive.
And each time, I want to get down on my knees & thank God, Baby Jesus & Oprah that I married my H. 
My ex-fiance is such a tool, that he even named his child the name we were going to use for our child. 
Who does that?
A douche bag, that's who.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

All I think about when I think of "bad boy" is immature a$$hole. As for exes, I don't think much about any of them because my life philosophy is to put the past completely behind you so you can fully live your present life. Besides, if any one of them was a good match for me I'd be with them now. My hb is the best man I've ever had, both sexually and as a life partner, and part of reason I appreciate him is because I've experienced enough cr&p to appreciate the package I got. I suspect he thinks about his exes a lot more often then I think of mine, because he used to have a habit of bringing them up in the most inappropriate ways. As in, we're taking a bath together and all of a sudden he runs his mouth about taking a bath with some ex. Then it would be repeated during another bath, and I've heard lots of other inappropriate stories about exes. I admit I should've dealt with it sooner then I did, but one day I lost it and ripped him a new one, then shared all kinds of details about my exes I'm sure he didn't want. Needless to say, he stopped and it hasn't been an issue for a long time. I've come to realize, however, that it really had nothing to do with me. It had to do with him not dealing well with getting older, and thinking about the exes was a way to stay connected to youth. Because he's made clear that he prefers me to any ex he's ever had, I don't think he realized how much it would bother me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Ok.
This is what happens.
Whether we believe it or not, our past life's experiences shape us into the persons we are now and affect our ability to function, positively or negatively, in our present and future interpersonal relationships.

I have this friend , lets call her M ,who was madly in love with a horrible character.
To make things worse, his parents were rich.
He treated her like sh!t , but she loved him even more for it.
She never slept around, he was her first. So in love was she, that she married him at the tender age of 20 yrs, against her parents knowledge and wishes.

Well he cheated like it was going out of style.
He had sex with her aunt. He had sex with her cousin. He had sex with anything, even the landlady and the female security guard at work, plus he treated her badly. Things got to the point where she even got an STD from him and they both went for treatment.
He also couldn't keep any job for long , because he didn't need to work. He was the only child and his parents wealthy.
This guy was sick.
He constantly embarrassed her.
But M was a beautiful girl with very high moral standards, so she never cheated on him..
She was working on furthering her studies and building her own business. She was a strong woman, but her husband's infidelity eventually did a number on her self esteem.

M thought that if she got pregnant for him, maybe he will change, plus she was lonely and thought a baby would bring her the happiness she wasn't getting from being married to him. So she did.[ Against my advice to her.]
He only got worse.
The lowest point came around mid-morning one day when she got a phone call telling her where his car was parked, she jumped into her car and later found him with her best friend in his car , buck naked.

They separated.

She was alone when she took in labour and eventually had a son.
After giving birth, she initiated a divorce, and things were ok in her life for a few years , until she started noticing certain traits in her son like those she disliked in his dad.
She went ballistic on him, poor fellow never knew what hit him.
M had a few other relationships with men , [that I knew of ], and they never lasted more than a couple months. Good men, influential men, still didn't last.
M is currently still single, and thinks she's doomed. The horrible past relationship she had with Dennis, [ Her husband] affected her present relationship with both her son and all the other men who tried to get close enough to love her.

The problem with women who pass through these so called bad boy relationship is that they need time to work on themselves and heal.
Before a man gets involved with in a serious relationship with them , he must first understand this. Sometimes the man also has his issues like insecurity and needs to work on himself.
In order for this to happen, there must be radical honesty between them.
But usually , during the initial sexual attraction and euphoria ,no thoughtful consideration is given to these things, and they quickly proceed to marriage.
If there is radical honesty before, then issues of the past would be buried in the past, and it would have less of an effect on the present relationship because they both would have developed an unquestionable trust.
When there are secrets, doubts arise and the past comes back to haunt.
This usually happens after marriage, when the euphoria has died and reality of life begins to set in.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

I have been married 12 years. the last 8 years have not been good. one issue after another. and actually currently thinking of divorce as i am tired of being the only one trying to keep the marriage together.

however to answer your question. yes i thought of my ex's. some treated me better then my husband. some i thought treated me me better but found out it was all in my own head. some treated me worse. but in all my thinking of the ex's, i never compared my husbands sexual ability to them. for me, it is not the sex that is good. well i mean even bad sex is good sex. but it is being in love that makes the sex good. and i still love my husband. i never thought of anyone else during sex either, i just focus on what was going on at the moment. making him feel better and making sure it is good for him. now for the past 2 years, i have been thinking during sex is if HE is comparing me to other women. if HE is thinking of the last girl he had sex with but that is due to the fact that during our last separation (3rd time) he FINALLY admitted to cheating on me, only 2 times (i dont believe that) and only when we were previous separated. he also was with another woman when i paniced and begged him to come home to me and the kids. i cant get past that issue. o i did at first when he first came home, was able to push it deep down and not think but because of recent behavior i am thinking about it all the time. but then again i believe he is cheating on me now.

i never compared my ex's behavior with my husbands even when my husband was acting "bad". then again, i never left my ex in a bad way. was still friends with them and usually talked to them up to the time i got married. my husband knew this before and after. i have had some call me and i talk to them. but no i never thought of getting back together with them or anything like that and i told my husband everything. some of them ended up being jerks and i dont talk to them anymore. some of them wanted to "take me away" from my ******* husband but i never considered it. 

i was truely dedicated to my marriage and my husband. i dont believe in divorce and once i got married i never thought of being with another man, ex or otherwise. i believe if you truely love someone you dont think about being with anyone else. if your husband loves you and treats you right why would you compare them with someone who left you or that you left? 
if you find yourself comparing then you need to find out what is missing in your marriage and fix it. 

but then that is just my opinion


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Deejo said:


> You are either framing the woman who chooses to marry as a security seeking, manipulative liar simply taking the path of least resistance; or the man is dull-witted sucker that can be talked into anything with some pretty words and a pair of open legs.


You forgot a hot body and a pretty face 

In all seriousness, I do believe this lady is totally over the bad boys. They no longer do anything for her. I don't think she's after a transaction, trading her body for security. I do think she's in love.

I also would have some pause given her history. Call it insecurity if you will, I would have doubts about 'primal' lust as another poster put it.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

ntamph said:


> This is what I mean. Is she really with her fiance because she loves him and wants him above all others or does she just have *a smaller range of options *because of what happened earlier in her life?


Everyone has a "smaller range of options". That is the essence of the word "choice". The only thing certain in life is death and taxes. 

So here is the thing. There has to come a point in your life when you accept her choice. She chose you. Sure, she always has/had the choice of doing something different or being with someone different, but she made a choice to be with you. That doesn't always mean that you are plan B. She may have decided that the others where Plan B and you are now Plan A. And yes, if you (for some reason) dumped HER, she may then resort to her Plan B options.

You need not dwell on her past. Her past was a learning experience for her and helped her with deciding what sort of man she wanted to give her life to. Be secure in knowing that, in spite of her past, she chose you.

Being a former "party girl" myself, I do not apologize or regret my past. It is in the past for a reason. It was an educational process by which I learned much about myself and the type of man with whom I would want to spend the rest of my life with. To hold her past against her is to not accept who she has become now.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Only time I think of my exes is when I'm in an introspective mood and think about where I've been and where I'm going.
They're filed under "mistakes I've made and learned something" category.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I never think of my exes, unless it's to feel grateful that I didn't marry any of them. I didn't end up with any of them, not because they were horrible people, but because they didn't "feel like family" to me. They weren't people I could feel so close to that they became my family. 

Plan A, plan B, what? I didn't have any "plan". I dated until the right relationship that felt right to both of us became reality.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Only time I think of my exes is when I'm in an introspective mood and think about where I've been and where I'm going.
> They're filed under "mistakes I've made and learned something" category.


Your posts about your SO are really inspiring SB. I never imagined that a "nice" (or "nicer?) guy like him would have a woman doing him at every opportunity (I say this as a sincere compliment)


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

In my current marriage, I'm the less experienced one...although I do have a lot of experience, his is so much more and so much wilder than mine that I look virginal compared to him.

I was tempted to be worried about this, be insecure about it, feel compared to his ex lovers, etc.

But...I realized very quickly, that HE makes ME feel completely secure. He NEVER makes me feel like I am less than anything he wants, or that anyone in his past has anything over on me (whether in the love realm or the sex realm).

So I decided to never worry about it, because he's never given me any reason to.

I'm his Dream Girl, and I know it.

I think when that is true, that is really all you need to know.

If it isn't true, something will always seem off.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

ntamph...You need to read more of SimplyAmorous's posts. They were each other's first and only...and she is SO HOT for him to this day after many years and 6 kids!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

ntamph said:


> Your posts about your SO are really inspiring SB. I never imagined that a "nice" (or "nicer?) guy like him would have a woman doing him at every opportunity (I say this as a sincere compliment)


 Thanks

He's hot,I can't help myself LOL


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Faithful Wife said:


> In my current marriage, I'm the less experienced one...although I do have a lot of experience, his is so much more and so much wilder than mine that I look virginal compared to him.
> 
> I was tempted to be worried about this, be insecure about it, feel compared to his ex lovers, etc.
> 
> ...


And that right there is the way to be.


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