# Is it possible for transparency and all the rest, and for an affair continuing?



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

The question pretty much speaks for itself. Is it possible to be transparent, and loving, open, in contact frequently, and yet still be continuing any extra curricular activities?

I don't think my man continues to cheat, and he is giving me all of the above. But (understandably) I get that feeling of dread, or I just get suspicious over a simple thing, I become convinced that something is continuing. I know it is mostly my paranoia, but a good talk removes the dread and restores my confidence.

But, I am interested. Has this ever been anyone's experience, where the WS did all the right things, all the correct stuff to help BS recover, and yet continued their wayward ways? 

BTW he didn't always do the right things. But he does now. He has learnt to do what was not in his nature.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Most certainly a WS can continue to deceive.
In fact they become better at it if they do decide to continue to cheat.
You`ve taught them what not to do by catching them.

They just change their method of keeping things hidden.

However there is also extreme paranoia on the part of any BS after discovery so you should attempt as best as you can to objectively analyze any red flag as best as you can.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

But could a WS be totally transparent, given all passwords, regular texts and calls for reassurance of where and what doing, totally loving and with the program so to speak, and still be continuing? Does anyone have any experience in these matters?


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Remains said:


> But could a WS be totally transparent, given all passwords, regular texts and calls for reassurance of where and what doing, totally loving and with the program so to speak, and still be continuing? Does anyone have any experience in these matters?


There will always be ways to deceive your spouse. For example, getting a secret phone just to text the other person.


----------



## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Where there is a will there is a way. However if you are actively checking up, and being vigilant...then he would have to be an equally vigilant cheater. In your case VAR, gps, keylogger may help ease your mind.

_-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Yes. The cheater can give transparency, seem remorseful, and appear to do all of the right things, thus fooling the betrayed spouse into believing they have quit the affair, but meanwhile the cheater could have found other ways to continue the affair and the betrayed spouse falsely believes it is over.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Remains said:


> But could a WS be totally transparent, given all passwords, regular texts and calls for reassurance of where and what doing, totally loving and with the program so to speak, and still be continuing? Does anyone have any experience in these matters?


Yes, this is the terrifying possibility for the BS.

It takes faith to reconcile and faith is the very hardest thing to muster once you`ve been cheated on.


----------



## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Most certainly a WS can continue to deceive.
> In fact they become better at it if they do decide to continue to cheat.
> You`ve taught them what not to do by catching them.
> 
> ...


Totally in agreement.


----------



## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

Remains said:


> The question pretty much speaks for itself. Is it possible to be transparent, and loving, open, in contact frequently, and yet still be continuing any extra curricular activities?
> 
> I don't think my man continues to cheat, and he is giving me all of the above. But (understandably) I get that feeling of dread, or I just get suspicious over a simple thing, I become convinced that something is continuing. I know it is mostly my paranoia, but a good talk removes the dread and restores my confidence.
> 
> ...


I agree with Tocoma, however, if you have had past conflicts with love relations, and now with this relation of love, it is hard. But with no past baggage, and this betrayal is the first... the spouse is showing transparency, and you still feel something is amuch, seek counseling whether it be 'one on one' or a together counseling. Trust issues thrive without transparency and cause further problems. If the one who loves you understands... they will cooperate! For the record, I want my spouse to know where I am 24/7 365 and every4th year 366. I have never been a cheater, but I want to let her know where I am at all times. It gives me a sense of security, also! Understood.... seek some counseling. It will help!


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> There will always be ways to deceive your spouse. For example, getting a secret phone just to text the other person.


Or they might as well create a secret account.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Yes. The cheater can give transparency, seem remorseful, and appear to do all of the right things, thus fooling the betrayed spouse into believing they have quit the affair, but meanwhile the cheater could have found other ways to continue the affair and the betrayed spouse falsely believes it is over.


Do you have experience in this Will? Anyone else have direct experience of ALL being right and yet still continuing?

I feel maybe I am being naive/overly hopeful in thinking that if someone continues then there has to be at least some level of secrecy/disconnect in the relationship. Holding back on the loving. Distant. Something amiss. But if all is there, and there are phone calls every night we are not together at about 10pm, calls in the day, knowing what he is up to (as far as he says) and texts that are loving, there doesn't seem to be anything amiss whatsoever. BUT....my paranoia tells me that he still could. It would be very difficult for him now though to have anything, even just a casual once every few months meet, and for me not to be highly suspicious.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

And thanks for all the replies. But I am asking, as above in my answer to Will, does anyone have direct experience of ALL being right and yet still a continuation of it in some form?


----------



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Remains said:


> But could a WS be totally transparent, given all passwords, regular texts and calls for reassurance of where and what doing, totally loving and with the program so to speak, and still be continuing? Does anyone have any experience in these matters?


Yes, I have experience in these matters - my WS had an emotional affair three years ago and after I found out I demanded complete openness from her afterwords - one day I got on to her email account and text messages and realized she was deleting alot of stuff and when I confronted her she would say "I delete many things" when I finally told her that all the deletions were retrievable if we ever divorced and I issued a supeona for the records - she was gone the next day....so my answer is yes - they just get better at it.....


----------



## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

Remains said:


> And thanks for all the replies. But I am asking, as above in my answer to Will, does anyone have direct experience of ALL being right and yet still a continuation of it in some form?


I have personally seen affairs end, the BS and husband reconciled. The affair slowed down and he continued to cheat in spurts. He then got caught and when the wife found out, she left. The cheaters girlfriend was moved in that PM. His girlfriend caught him cheating on her within a three month period. He had no commitment morals whatsoever. Those who post here warn all the time about spouses going underground. They get better at cheating than ever. So sad....


----------



## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Yes. The cheater can give transparency, seem remorseful, and appear to do all of the right things, thus fooling the betrayed spouse into believing they have quit the affair, but meanwhile the cheater could have found other ways to continue the affair and the betrayed spouse falsely believes it is over.


That's exactly what happened to me. He was out of it for 6 months and I started to trust again then he went back to her and I didn't see it. They get really good at it.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Look, if I was caught but wanted to take it underground - i would offer up full transparency. i would in fact work hard at giving it since it would actually offer the best place to hide the ongoing affair.

Spies don't live in small town since it's in the big city that it's easiest to hide what you're doing. 

So yes, it is entirely possible for the affair to continue. This is also why the BS should seek verification measures that the WS never ever learns about.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There are websites set up to help cheaters in ways to hide their affair. Only one in five affairs ever come to light anyway. The worst one here was caught bringing her neighbor into thier basement while her husband was asleep on the sleeping pills he was having to use because of her affair. He got it all on camera when he finally(months) figured it out.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Remains said:


> The question pretty much speaks for itself. Is it possible to be transparent, and loving, open, in contact frequently, and yet still be continuing any extra curricular activities?
> 
> I don't think my man continues to cheat, and he is giving me all of the above. But (understandably) I get that feeling of dread, or I just get suspicious over a simple thing, I become convinced that something is continuing. I know it is mostly my paranoia, but a good talk removes the dread and restores my confidence.
> 
> ...


without having read the replies I will answer this first


IT is EXTREMELY difficult to demonstrate remorse, show renewed intimacy, and be transparent while continuing an affair

that said there is a small segment of the population who are basically psychotic who can be that two-faced

that is why verification of your own means is necessary, using VAR's and keyloggers, etc will help confirm that what he says and shows is what he is doing and will help you regain trust or uncover a false R


For those of us who go thru R as a BS, we will go through a paranoid stage. We got burned bad by someone we trusted to the fullest so it is natural to doubt everything and come up with ways that they could still be cheating on us. Here is a quote from my own story of how paranoid I would get:




Almostrecovered said:


> To give a good example of my behavior and obsessive thinking at that time- one morning I went to grab a new tube of toothpaste. We keep the unused hygiene items in the linen closet that's in our bathroom that's located right next to the shower. I noticed that the panel on the wall adjacent to the shower that opens up to allow access to the pipes was slightly ajar. I was so hypersensitive to anything that seemed out of place that I immediately thought to myself, "Hmmmm...that would be a perfect hiding spot. I wonder if my wife did have a pay as you go phone if she would hide it in there." I then grabbed the flashlight and did a 3 minute detailed search of that 2ft x 2ft area that was reachable from the closet and found nothing but schmutz and an old 7up can that was probably left there when the house was built.
> 
> And that would actually be considered somewhat "normal" behavior- but I obsessively checked that damn cobwebby and dusty nook each morning for close to a month.
> 
> Each time I found nothing at any of my convoluted theories I would then feel relief and shortly after feel horrible and depressed. The only time I would feel good when was I around my wife and I held back on telling her how bad I got in my searches and paranoia. The paranoid side to me said to hold it back because IF she was still cheating then you need to stay quiet.



understand that you need to remain calm when you get spooked and stop for a moment and try your best to think logically and then use the best means to verify your suspicions 

it is hard to calm the obsessions, but eventually you will regain trust again if he continues to do what is necessary, just stay the course and verify on your own, eventually the snooping will become "boring" and that is when you will start feeling safe again


----------



## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

It's been a long time since I went on one of those "mad searches", but I remember what it feels like 

I don't think I ever truly got over that feeling of betrayal. I have carried it into 2 different relationships. In my defense, one of the relationships turned out to be full of betrayal, lies and disgustingness and I knew about every bit of it practically in real time!

My current relationship is great and, after a problem with some "ahem" unsavory internet habits, I am at a point where I don't think about it daily. I don't search for deleted history or phone hook up codes. But, as with the OP, when "the small panel in the linen closet is out of place"...my Spidey Senses start tingling and I HAVE to investigate.

Trust is a big thing for me. And once broken, very difficult to regain. Once I know you are capable of lying to my face, I'm never sure again when you're telling the truth.


----------

