# How long to determine chemistry



## Lila

How long do you give someone to determine chemistry? 

My bff and I were visiting last weekend. She met her now husband online dating. She and I got tipsy and I let her set up a dating profile for me on Tinder. 

I met three guys this past week (2 dates a piece) but felt zero chemistry with all of them. Before anyone asks, they looked like their profile pics, and they were funny, intelligent, and gracious but I just didn't feel any chemistry. They've all asked to see me again but I don't want to waste their time. Am I giving up too soon? 

PS. For reference, it's not about physical attraction. I met a guy 12 years younger than me for coffee this morning. He was smokin hot but there was zero chemistry...again.


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## Chaotic

I met my current bf doing online dating and I found him fun to talk to, interesting and good-looking on the first date, but we were both nervous. We both relaxed and meshed more on the second date and the chemistry was for real on the third date. So....I guess it depends on how much time you want to spend looking? I think there has to be SOME interest on the first date but chemistry might take a couple dates to really be noticable. 

But it's a pretty individual thing, too. 🤷


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## Marc878

You should always check their bank accounts to see if there maybe future chemistry.


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## Lila

Marc878 said:


> You should always check their bank accounts to see if there maybe future chemistry.


Already thought of that. It's part of the pre-approval process.😉


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## Lila

Chaotic said:


> I met my current bf doing online dating and I found him fun to talk to, interesting and good-looking on the first date, but we were both nervous. We both relaxed and meshed more on the second date and the chemistry was for real on the third date. So....I guess it depends on how much time you want to spend looking? I think there has to be SOME interest on the first date but chemistry might take a couple dates to really be noticable.
> 
> But it's a pretty individual thing, too. 🤷


That's how it was with my bff. 

Did you feel that feeling with anyone else you met?


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## Al_Bundy

I'm a big believer in the old Leykis 3 strikes rule. And that's the maximum, if it didn't look like it had promise I'd cut it off after the first date.

Now if you are having trouble finding chemistry with pretty much anyone, that's a different issue.


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## Chaotic

Lila said:


> That's how it was with my bff.
> 
> Did you feel that feeling with anyone else you met?


There was one guy I thought I had good chemistry with on the first and second dates, but on the third date he said a bunch of things that totally killed the chemistry and I did not see him again. There was another guy with whom the chemistry was there on the second date, but he had life situations I couldn't quite handle and I didn't want to get in any deeper. And then of course there were a few coffee dates with guys where I breathed a sigh of relief when it was over!

Current BF took a couple dates for the chemistry to show, but he was appealing in a lot of ways from the beginning, and I guess that made me want to wait to see if the chemistry would happen.


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## Lila

Al_Bundy said:


> I'm a big believer in the old Leykis 3 strikes rule. And that's the maximum, if it didn't look like it had promise I'd cut it off after the first date.
> 
> *Now if you are having trouble finding chemistry with pretty much anyone, that's a different issue.*


That's what I'm wondering.


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## Girl_power

Chaotic said:


> I met my current bf doing online dating and I found him fun to talk to, interesting and good-looking on the first date, but we were both nervous. We both relaxed and meshed more on the second date and the chemistry was for real on the third date. So....I guess it depends on how much time you want to spend looking? I think there has to be SOME interest on the first date but chemistry might take a couple dates to really be noticable.
> 
> But it's a pretty individual thing, too.


It’s too soon to judge chemistry. I think you should go on another date and see.


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## Girl_power

Al_Bundy said:


> I'm a big believer in the old Leykis 3 strikes rule. And that's the maximum, if it didn't look like it had promise I'd cut it off after the first date.
> 
> Now if you are having trouble finding chemistry with pretty much anyone, that's a different issue.


If I’m not over an ex, I will never feel chemistry for anyone.


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## Lila

Girl_power said:


> It’s too soon to judge chemistry. I think you should go on another date and see.


So one more?


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## Enigma32

In my experience, ladies know within 15 minutes of meeting whether or not they will have sex with a dude. Kinda pointless to wait around for chemistry that likely will never happen, IMO. Especially if chemistry is that important.


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## Girl_power

Lila said:


> So one more?


I like the three strikes and you’re out rule.


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## lifeistooshort

Enigma32 said:


> In my experience, ladies know within 15 minutes of meeting whether or not they will have sex with a dude. Kinda pointless to wait around for chemistry that likely will never happen, IMO. Especially if chemistry is that important.


Agree to a certain point. When I met my current bf I remember thinking he was attractive but I don't remember feeling a ton of chemistry right away. This could be me though because I've seldom felt instant chemistry....I require some getting to know a guy.

I was able to spend time with him in our bike club. We'd somehow end up riding together (coincidence?) and were able to talk a lot and we ended up having a ton in common. He really grew on me and after I bit I realized I liked spending time with him and that chemistry had developed for me. I can't speak for him in this regard.

I remember having lunch with him and really enjoying his company, then we went to a little $5 show and I sat next to him and thought about how good he smelled. That's when I knew.

We're 2 1/2 years in and i love seeing him naked, love sex with him, look forward to his company, and miss him when he's not with me.

It's a combination of physical chemistry and compatibility. While I do of course find him very attractive the effects of compatibility can't be overstated.

I suppose he didn't get put into the will never sleep with bucket since I love sleeping with him so maybe that's enough to start.

So Lila, maybe you're like me in this sense and need enough time with someone to know if there's compatibility?


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## Lila

Enigma32 said:


> In my experience, ladies know within 15 minutes of meeting whether or not they will have sex with a dude. Kinda pointless to wait around for chemistry that likely will never happen, IMO. Especially if chemistry is that important.


I tend to agree with you regarding chemistry. I have always felt like it's either there or not. It's a combination of physical attraction, personality compatibility, and shared interests. I have found physical attraction and shared interests to be relatively easy to find but it's been a miss with the personality/lifestyle.

For example one of "the three" wants to take me to play a round of golf. I have clubs but haven't played in a few years. Why? Because I hate it but I guess I can give it another shot. 🙄


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## lifeistooshort

Lila said:


> I tend to agree with you regarding chemistry. I have always felt like it's either there or not. It's a combination of physical attraction, personality compatibility, and shared interests. I have found physical attraction and shared interests to be relatively easy to find but it's been a miss with the personality/lifestyle.
> 
> For example one of "the three" wants to take me to play a round of golf. I have clubs but haven't played in a few years. Why? Because I hate it but I guess I can give it another shot. 🙄


Personality and shared lifestyle is even more important then common interests, IMO.

Most people can find a couple of things they enjoy doing together. Shared lifestyle is a deal breaker for me.


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## Lila

lifeistooshort said:


> So Lila, maybe you're like ne in this sense and need enough time with someone to know if there's compatibility?


I really wish I could meet someone organically doing just regular life. It would make life so much easier. 

I feel so much pressure to make that "go, no go" decision when on these online dates. It's why I don't last long.


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## lifeistooshort

Lila said:


> I really wish I could meet someone organically doing just regular life. It would make life so much easier.
> 
> I feel so much pressure to make that "go, no go" decision when on these online dates. It's why I don't last long.


Yeah, I feel like I'd be in the same position if I were to try OLD.

I know I've said this in other threads but I highly recommend you find a meet up group just to socialize in person.

My bf's brother is single and bf has said that clubs that have new members coming in are absolutely the best way to meet people at our age.

We're long past bar hopping (I never was into that).


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## ConanHub

It is probably different for individuals.

I can usually tell if there is chemistry with a woman within a moment or two of interacting with her.

There have been others that there wasn't initial chemistry but over a period of time, a very strong attraction grew.

These were not all women I met for dating and definitely not all women I did date as some of them were married or on a committed relationship and/or so was I.

I would probably have a very hard time dating online so I'm probably totally out of the element here 😳


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## Lila

lifeistooshort said:


> Yeah, I feel like I'd be in the same position if I were to try OLD.
> 
> I know I've said this in other threads but I highly recommend you find a meet up group just to socialize in person.


I belong to several. Before the pandemic took everything down, I was attending socials pretty regularly. Met some very cool women with whom I still keep in touch but no guys. 

The issue with Meetups for singles in my area is that they lean much younger or much older. There is a void of men between 40-55 years old.


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## lifeistooshort

Lila said:


> I belong to several. Before the pandemic took everything down, I was attending socials pretty regularly. Met some very cool women with whom I still keep in touch but no guys.
> 
> The issue with Meetups for singles in my area is that they lean much younger or much older. There is a void of men between 40-55 years old.


There's loads of them in that age group riding bikes and the few women who ride are in high demand.

Why can't you ride a bike? Have you tried?


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## Lila

lifeistooshort said:


> There's loads of them in that age group riding bikes and the few women who ride are in high demand.
> 
> Why can't you ride a bike? Have you tried?


You're the best @lifeistooshort . You have faith in me. 

The thought of me in a bike club has me dying of laughter. I still wouldn't meet any of those guys..... I'd be that one lagging by 1/4 mile. 🤣🤣🤣

i do mountain bike but that's a young crowd, like Mrs Robinson young.


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## TXTrini

ConanHub said:


> It is probably different for individuals.
> 
> I can usually tell if there is chemistry with a woman within a moment or two of interacting with her.
> 
> There have been others that there wasn't initial chemistry but over a period of time, a very strong attraction grew.
> 
> These were not all women I met for dating and definitely not all women I did date as some of them were married or on a committed relationship and/or so was I.
> 
> I would probably have a very hard time dating online so I'm probably totally out of the element here 😳


I'm also one of the knows immediately crew. If I'm not interested in wanting to talk to a man or dig deeper, that's a pretty good indicator for me it'll never happen no matter how nice or attractive he is. 



lifeistooshort said:


> Personality and shared lifestyle is even more important then common interests, IMO.
> 
> Most people can find a couple of things they enjoy doing together. Shared lifestyle is a deal breaker for me.


I need good conversation and love banter, I HATE meaningless small talk, it bores me to tears. Of all the men I communicated or went outwith, I had the best conversations with my bf. Sure enough, instant chemistry. Our meet and greet turned into an entire day together, we were both a bit nervous but very comfortable. I didn't feel like that with other men.

What sparks your curiosity and piques your interest in a man?


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## hamadryad

The Door Test.....


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## LisaDiane

hamadryad said:


> The Door Test.....


WHAT...???


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## Affaircare

A guy opens the car door for his date, and if she doesn't lean over and unlock the door for him by the time he walks around the car to his door...dump her! Hard and fast. She's a selfish gal who only thinks of herself.  

The door test...


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## Affaircare

Okay, I have two thoughts running simultaneously through my head. 

First thought: if you aren't feeling chemistry for anyone, @Lila, I would say that's a sign from your own self that you aren't ready for someone else. It sounds to me like your inner self still has some walls up and is resisting. 

Second thought: I was thinking about when I first had "chemistry" with @Emerging Buddhist, and what's funny is that I was kind of confused by the thought because that's just not how I experience it AT ALL! I've been married three times: with my first husband (the abusive, cheating one), I thought he was cute and we dated. With my second husband, I knew him for probably a year -- just talking and truly being friends -- and he impressed me with is wit and his mind. Once I liked HIM...I then grew to enjoy his physicality because it was attached to him. And thats how I'm attracted to most people...I like them for who they are and then I find them attactive because I like them. With EB, I knew him from here on TAM...and gee you'all saw how he was patient and thoughtful--again I thought he was a good guy who had a decent heart. When my hubby died and his wife divorced him, well we wrote and called and I liked him. He is a NEAT person. When we finally met months later, I already liked him so I thought he was attractive because that bod was attached to that good soul. Now it doesn't hurt that he just happens to be a HUNK...  but I couldn't tell ya when I felt "chemistry" for him. I think I'm attracted to his heart, and as the attraction grows, I find him more attractive and chemistry goes. 

So see what I mean? It's kind of backward. I like 'em and THEN I feel attraction (not the other way around). Is it possible that you're that way too? I don't know!


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## QuietRiot

Affaircare said:


> A guy opens the car door for his date, and if she doesn't lean over and unlock the door for him by the time he walks around the car to his door...dump her! Hard and fast. She's a selfish gal who only thinks of herself.
> 
> The door test...


Well that must be a difficult test with cars unlocking themselves now.


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## Diana7

I met my husband on line and for me there was that instant something. Even before we met in person I knew he was different. I felt quickly at ease with him, as if we had known each other for a long time. I guess you would call it chemistry, I knew he was the man I wanted to marry within a week. 
We met within 5 days of first online contact, and by then had exchanged loads and loads of emails and spoken on the phone.
I had met a few guys before him. A couple there was no chemistry, I knew there was no point in a second date. Another was a possible but he was very fresh out of a messy divorce and unlike me wasn't ready for anything serious. I would have met him again otherwise. 
Personally I would avoid sites like Tinder, but otherwise online dating is a great way to meet people. I know so many marriages where they met on line.


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## K3itty

To me, having chemistry feels like I've known that person forever. We get each other. The conversation flows and feels so natural. We don't have to explain ourselves much and it feels easy. I would know if there's chemistry within the first date. But I like the 3 strikes rule too.


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## heartsbeating

Please let me know if you don't consider my input as applicable, given I've been in a relationship for an age and we met young. However, just referring to chemistry with Batman, my experience was a bit like Affaircare. We had communicated over the phone before even meeting in person or knowing what each other looked like. I did feel drawn to his personality and accent and we kinda vibed over the phone. However, when we first met in person it wasn't a date - and ended up a very brief encounter - just a quick hello. I couldn't say that I necessarily felt physical chemistry within those few minutes shared; I did feel slightly _intrigued_ though. We happened to bump into each other one night shortly after, again a very brief interaction of saying hello, and I kissed him on the cheek. I'm not sure what was in the air but _that _encounter strangely had me thinking of him afterwards. We spoke on the phone in between, the personalities were blending and we arranged to casually meet at a club; again, not a date. I've shared before that a guy I had dated previously had unexpectedly called and asked me on a date for later that same night. I planned to be there. Well, upon casually meeting ole Bats earlier in the evening, the physical chemistry was igniting while we danced and kissed each others faces off. Needless to say, I stood the other guy up and wasn't in contact again. THEN Batman arranged a proper date. I was nervously excited like I hadn't felt before. The lunch date ended up extending to running errands together, hanging out, chatting, kissing, movie and dinner.... rest is kinda history.

My point is, the attraction had started before we had even met. Granted, and through a hobby / mutual interest, too. When meeting in person, he didn't run the other way so I was off to a good start  ...the 'chemistry' did somewhat incrementally evolve, although fairly quickly.

My rookie advice around whether you try another date, would be to gauge if you felt any sense of intrigue at all; if that occurred, it may be worth another date. Conversely, if you felt the clock ticking and thought about getting home to your little puppy and your fave tv show, then I'd say move on.


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## Enigma32

Every girl I have ever dated has told me the same thing, that I made them feel comfortable right away, that we could just talk like old friends, all that stuff. I guess that is just chemistry to them but to me it is just being good at dealing with women, and as someone who seems to have that knack, I really think it's overrated. It just seems to me that there would be far more important things that should take priority over a guy that has a knack for creating rapport with women.


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## RandomDude

Lila said:


> How long do you give someone to determine chemistry?
> 
> My bff and I were visiting last weekend. She met her now husband online dating. She and I got tipsy and I let her set up a dating profile for me on Tinder.
> 
> I met three guys this past week (2 dates a piece) but felt zero chemistry with all of them. Before anyone asks, they looked like their profile pics, and they were funny, intelligent, and gracious but I just didn't feel any chemistry. They've all asked to see me again but I don't want to waste their time. Am I giving up too soon?
> 
> PS. For reference, it's not about physical attraction. I met a guy 12 years younger than me for coffee this morning. He was smokin hot but there was zero chemistry...again.


7 seconds.


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## lifeistooshort

Lila said:


> You're the best @lifeistooshort . You have faith in me.
> 
> The thought of me in a bike club has me dying of laughter. I still wouldn't meet any of those guys..... I'd be that one lagging by 1/4 mile. 🤣🤣🤣
> 
> i do mountain bike but that's a young crowd, like Mrs Robinson young.


Just trying to help a sister out 😀

I think you overestimate how fast these guys are. True there are fasties but plenty are slow and there are groups for all abilities.

I'm unique in that I'm one of very few women who rides that fast.

Get yourself a road bike and start meeting clubs.


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## hamadryad

After you know them for a bit, tell them you just killed someone and need help...If they freak out, you don't have chemistry...if they go in the garage and grab a shovel and a pair of gloves, then that's the one you are meant to be with.....😆

All kidding aside...

Once you clear all the hurdles of physical attraction, sexual chemistry, and other general compatibilities, the most important issue is being with someone that is intellectually similar and aligned on basic goals..I kid around with this and my other reply, but there is a lot of wisdom in these words...Knowing someone has your back and isn't going to be consumed only with themselves is huge...Some women understand this and never struggle for male attention and have lasting relationships, while the others flounder and bumble eternally, and never blame themselves...


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## Lila

TXTrini said:


> I'm also one of the knows immediately crew. If I'm not interested in wanting to talk to a man or dig deeper, that's a pretty good indicator for me it'll never happen no matter how nice or attractive he is.
> 
> 
> I need good conversation and love banter, I HATE meaningless small talk, it bores me to tears. Of all the men I communicated or went outwith, I had the best conversations with my bf. Sure enough, instant chemistry. Our meet and greet turned into an entire day together, we were both a bit nervous but very comfortable. I didn't feel like that with other men.
> 
> What sparks your curiosity and piques your interest in a man?


I won't lie. I have a "type" which I am having a difficult time finding because it's not "the thing". If online dating is to be believed, everyone is an adventure seeking, marathon running, world traveling philanthropist with 101 hobbies. Profiles read like a Dos Equis commercial for the "most interesting man in the world". I have to read profiles with a grain of salt or I won't find anyone interesting. I'm looking for the opposite. Calm, stable, steady, settled. 

I guess I'm piqued when how the person defines themselves through words and actions as someone I find interesting. Does that make sense? 

It's that well worn, favorite pair of perfect fitting jeans. You just know it when you try them on.


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## Diana7

Lila said:


> I won't lie. I have a "type" which I am having a difficult time finding because it's not "the thing". If online dating is to be believed, everyone is an adventure seeking, marathon running, world traveling philanthropist with 101 hobbies. Profiles read like a Dos Equis commercial for the "most interesting man in the world". I have to read profiles with a grain of salt or I won't find anyone interesting. I'm looking for the opposite. Calm, stable, steady, settled.
> 
> I guess I'm piqued when how the person defines themselves through words and actions as someone I find interesting. Does that make sense?
> 
> It's that well worn, favorite pair of perfect fitting jeans. You just know it when you try them on.


I know where you are coming from. The sort of guy I wanted was/is extremely rare, made far worse by the fact that I wanted to meet a committed Christian. It was like trying to locate a needle in a haystack, it's was only because God is a very good match maker that I met my now husband of 16 years.
Don't compromise though. I was determined not to even if meant I never married again.

I would rather be alone than settle for second best.


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## Lila

Affaircare said:


> Okay, I have two thoughts running simultaneously through my head.
> 
> First thought: *if you aren't feeling chemistry for anyone, @Lila, I would say that's a sign from your own self that you aren't ready for someone else. It sounds to me like your inner self still has some walls up and is resisting.*
> 
> Second thought: I was thinking about when I first had "chemistry" with @Emerging Buddhist, and what's funny is that I was kind of confused by the thought because that's just not how I experience it AT ALL! I've been married three times: with my first husband (the abusive, cheating one), I thought he was cute and we dated. With my second husband, I knew him for probably a year -- just talking and truly being friends -- and he impressed me with is wit and his mind. Once I liked HIM...I then grew to enjoy his physicality because it was attached to him. And thats how I'm attracted to most people...I like them for who they are and then I find them attactive because I like them. With EB, I knew him from here on TAM...and gee you'all saw how he was patient and thoughtful--again I thought he was a good guy who had a decent heart. When my hubby died and his wife divorced him, well we wrote and called and I liked him. He is a NEAT person. When we finally met months later, I already liked him so I thought he was attractive because that bod was attached to that good soul. Now it doesn't hurt that he just happens to be a HUNK...  but I couldn't tell ya when I felt "chemistry" for him. I think I'm attracted to his heart, and as the attraction grows, I find him more attractive and chemistry goes.
> 
> *So see what I mean? It's kind of backward. I like 'em and THEN I feel attraction (not the other way around). Is it possible that you're that way too? I don't know!*





heartsbeating said:


> Please let me know if you don't consider my input as applicable, given I've been in a relationship for an age and we met young. However, just referring to chemistry with Batman, my experience was a bit like Affaircare. We had communicated over the phone before even meeting in person or knowing what each other looked like. I did feel drawn to his personality and accent and we kinda vibed over the phone. However, when we first met in person it wasn't a date - and ended up a very brief encounter - just a quick hello. I couldn't say that I necessarily felt physical chemistry within those few minutes shared; I did feel slightly _intrigued_ though. We happened to bump into each other one night shortly after, again a very brief interaction of saying hello, and I kissed him on the cheek. I'm not sure what was in the air but _that _encounter strangely had me thinking of him afterwards. We spoke on the phone in between, the personalities were blending and we arranged to casually meet at a club; again, not a date. I've shared before that a guy I had dated previously had unexpectedly called and asked me on a date for later that same night. I planned to be there. Well, upon casually meeting ole Bats earlier in the evening, the physical chemistry was igniting while we danced and kissed each others faces off. Needless to say, I stood the other guy up and wasn't in contact again. THEN Batman arranged a proper date. I was nervously excited like I hadn't felt before. The lunch date ended up extending to running errands together, hanging out, chatting, kissing, movie and dinner.... rest is kinda history.
> 
> My point is, the attraction had started before we had even met. Granted, and through a hobby / mutual interest, too. When meeting in person, he didn't run the other way so I was off to a good start  ...the 'chemistry' did somewhat incrementally evolve, although fairly quickly.
> 
> *My rookie advice around whether you try another date, would be to gauge if you felt any sense of intrigue at all; if that occurred, it may be worth another date. Conversely, if you felt the clock ticking and thought about getting home to your little puppy and your fave tv show, then I'd say move on.*



I love reading your posts about how you met your SOs. (@Emerging Buddhist and Batman were the true winners if you ask me 🙂). 

@Affaircare I'm wondering if I'm just not feeling it. On one hand I want to find that special someone but on the other, I just have so very little patience for the search. The good news is that I am not so impatient as to rush into anything. I don't think I am avoidant but my sixth sense is super honed after having the experiences that taught me what to look out for. Every time I ignore that "tingle" in my brain, I end up in bad situations. 
I would love to meet someone that I call a friend but which evolves into something more. 

@heartsbeating you've given me a great way to gauge interest. If I'd rather come home and hang out with my puppies (I have 2 now- long story), it's a no. 🙂


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## GC1234

Lila said:


> How long do you give someone to determine chemistry?
> 
> My bff and I were visiting last weekend. She met her now husband online dating. She and I got tipsy and I let her set up a dating profile for me on Tinder.
> 
> I met three guys this past week (2 dates a piece) but felt zero chemistry with all of them. Before anyone asks, they looked like their profile pics, and they were funny, intelligent, and gracious but I just didn't feel any chemistry. They've all asked to see me again but I don't want to waste their time. Am I giving up too soon?
> 
> PS. For reference, it's not about physical attraction. I met a guy 12 years younger than me for coffee this morning. He was smokin hot but there was zero chemistry...again.


I met my husband online. There was no chemistry, I didn't even find him that physically attractive (ie. wasn't my normal type), but I knew that going in. I liked his personality though, so I thought we would hang out as friends, and eventually, after a long while, we got serious. I think you're giving up too soon.


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## Lila

K3itty said:


> To me, having chemistry feels like I've known that person forever. We get each other. The conversation flows and feels so natural. We don't have to explain ourselves much and it feels easy. I would know if there's chemistry within the first date. But I like the 3 strikes rule too.


This!

I call it the "favorite pair of jeans" feeling. You know... That pair that fit perfect from day one and we keep mending because we don't want to get rid of it.


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## MJJEAN

Lila said:


> How long do you give someone to determine chemistry?


2-3 meetings, tops. 



Affaircare said:


> A guy opens the car door for his date, and if she doesn't lean over and unlock the door for him by the time he walks around the car to his door...dump her! Hard and fast. She's a selfish gal who only thinks of herself.
> 
> The door test...


I would totally fail that test. I do not fondle other peoples buttons, knobs, or switches. It's just rude.


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## Lila

hamadryad said:


> After you know them for a bit, tell them you just killed someone and need help...If they freak out, you don't have chemistry...if they go in the garage and grab a shovel and a pair of gloves, then that's the one you are meant to be with.....😆
> 
> All kidding aside...
> 
> Once you clear all the hurdles of physical attraction, sexual chemistry, and other general compatibilities, the most important issue is being with someone that is intellectually similar and aligned on basic goals..I kid around with this and my other reply, but there is a lot of wisdom in these words...*Knowing someone has your back and isn't going to be consumed only with themselves is huge...Some women understand this and never struggle for male attention and have lasting relationships, while the others flounder and bumble eternally, and never blame themselves...*


What you describe is not an issue exclusive to women. Not sure if it's because I was in a 23 year relationship with my ex but I seem to attract the men who suffer from the same selfish attitude. I think the adage that opposites attract is true.


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## Lila

Diana7 said:


> I know where you are coming from. The sort of guy I wanted was/is extremely rare, made far worse by the fact that I wanted to meet a committed Christian. It was like trying to locate a needle in a haystack, it's was only because God is a very good match maker that I met my now husband of 16 years.
> *Don't compromise though. I was determined not to even if meant I never married again.
> 
> I would rather be alone than settle for second best.*


I am definitely not compromising on my deal breakers (too old for that) but there is room for compromise with things that are not critical to me. Figuring how long to give someone to determine chemistry is one of those non critical things. I just don't want to deal with any fall out or hard feelings if I let it go past a certain number of dates and still don't feel anything for th person. This is why I will not text/message extensively before meeting in person.


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## Lila

GC1234 said:


> I met my husband online. There was no chemistry, I didn't even find him that physically attractive (ie. wasn't my normal type), but I knew that going in. I liked his personality though, so I thought we would hang out as friends, and eventually, after a long while, we got serious. I think you're giving up too soon.


How long were you friends before things went in another direction? And did you let him know you wanted to hang out as friends?


----------



## GC1234

Lila said:


> How long were you friends before things went in another direction? And did you let him know you wanted to hang out as friends?


We were friends for 6 months, and yeah he was aware that I wanted to be friends. When we met, he and his ex-fiancee ended their engagement a couple of months before, but they were still financially tied. I actually thought they would get back together, as they had to meet with lawyers and see each other constantly. I was wrong I guess, but I was very cautious.


----------



## ConanHub

MJJEAN said:


> I do not fondle other peoples buttons, knobs, or switches. It's just rude.


Hahahaha!!!! Sorry! My mind is in the gutter and this one was easy!!!😆😋


----------



## K3itty

ConanHub said:


> Hahahaha!!!! Sorry! My mind is in the gutter and this one was easy!!!😆😋


Lol how did I miss this? Hahahaha


----------



## K3itty

I think finding the right person is likely a numbers game. The chance of really meeting someone with STRONG chemistry is like 1%. The rest of them I bet you can get along with just fine, but that kind of electric attraction, maybe almost like limerence, is rare. I think for online dating at least you can sort out a large number of people in a relatively short amount of time. And you probably can compare...you have more excitment seeing a certain someone message you back.


----------



## GC1234

K3itty said:


> I think finding the right person is likely a numbers game. The chance of really meeting someone with STRONG chemistry is like 1%. The rest of them I bet you can get along with just fine, but that kind of electric attraction, maybe almost like limerence, is rare. I think for online dating at least you can sort out a large number of people in a relatively short amount of time. And you probably can compare...you have more excitment seeing a certain someone message you back.


You are right. I've only ever had that feeling once upon first meeting him.


----------



## In Absentia

In my experience - pre-marriage - when I was in my early twenties, I knew immediately if there was any chemistry. Just they way you interact with the other person and back. But obviously, there was no OLD then. So, it was a different dynamic altogether.


----------



## In Absentia

GC1234 said:


> You are right. I've only ever had that feeling once upon first meeting him.


You've been unlucky...


----------



## GC1234

In Absentia said:


> You've been unlucky...


Haha, have I been? We never wound up together, but the feeling was definitely mutual.


----------



## Tasorundo

I have very little dating experience, but if by 3 dates, you don't feel a desire to have a 4th, then that is a sign.

I can usually tell pretty quickly when there are people that I want to be around again or not.


----------



## In Absentia

GC1234 said:


> Haha, have I been? We never wound up together, but the feeling was definitely mutual.


well, there you go... hitting it off immediately is nice feeling, and it's even nicer when it happens more than once...


----------



## GC1234

In Absentia said:


> well, there you go... hitting it off immediately is nice feeling, and it's even nicer when it happens more than once...


I wouldn't know, but, I'll never forget it, I can tell you that. Lol.


----------



## ConanHub

GC1234 said:


> You are right. I've only ever had that feeling once upon first meeting him.


Hmmm.. It's happened to me quite a few times and there have been maybe four times when it was at dangerous levels.😳


----------



## GC1234

ConanHub said:


> Hmmm.. It's happened to me quite a few times and there have been maybe four times when it was at dangerous levels.😳


Why was it dangerous?


----------



## ConanHub

GC1234 said:


> Why was it dangerous?


It was so intense that it almost removed reason for both of us.

In each of the times it happened, if I had made a move (any move) we would have been naked very quickly and consequences be damned.


----------



## GC1234

ConanHub said:


> It was so intense that it almost removed reason for both of us.
> 
> In each of the times it happened, if I had made a move (any move) we would have been naked very quickly and consequences be damned.


Oh, I get it now. Were you married when it happened?


----------



## lifeistooshort

I could make am argument for immediate strong chemistry not being a great thing because it can blind one to all else.

As it is people ignore incompatibilities in favor of attraction. Both are important but they don't get equal consideration. If anything compatibility should get a lot more focus provided a base level of attraction is there. You're much better off with a partner you're 10% less attracted to if you're much more compatible, and eventually they become your world.

I don't really think about other men right now beyond appreciating basic attractiveness precisely because we're so compatible and we have plenty of chemistry.

One thing I really appreciated about my bf was that while he did pursue he didn't phony love bomb me like my ex. This allowed he to step back and evaluate how compatibility our lifestyles are.


----------



## Tasorundo

@Lila 

Do you have fun on these dates?


----------



## Lila

Tasorundo said:


> @Lila
> 
> Do you have fun on these dates?



I do. I have fun no matter whether there is attraction or not. And I like to think I'm enjoyable company regardless.


----------



## ConanHub

GC1234 said:


> Oh, I get it now. Were you married when it happened?


Yup. Mrs. C was actually the first one it happened with.😉


----------



## GC1234

ConanHub said:


> Yup. Mrs. C was actually the first one it happened with.😉


Haha, I was also married when it happened. AND the kicker was, my husband was present too...lol.


----------



## Tasorundo

Lila said:


> I do. I have fun no matter whether there is attraction or not. And I like to think I'm enjoyable company regardless.


Maybe try and figure out if you are having more fun because of the person that is there. If you can think of a lot of people you would rather be there with, then that should answer the question as well.


----------



## ConanHub

GC1234 said:


> Haha, I was also married when it happened. AND the kicker was, my husband was present too...lol.


Yup. It obviously wasn't voluntary or a conscious effort. It was just some weird chemical or mystic gravity that was instantaneous.


----------



## K3itty

ConanHub said:


> It was so intense that it almost removed reason for both of us.
> 
> In each of the times it happened, if I had made a move (any move) we would have been naked very quickly and consequences be damned.


The definition of Limerence. 

And it's almost impossible to forget these people. So hopefully that person is compatible in other areas of life. And if so, that's your soul mate! Lol


----------



## MJJEAN

ConanHub said:


> Hahahaha!!!! Sorry! My mind is in the gutter and this one was easy!!!😆😋


I realized the phrasing after I posted and said "Ah, Hell with it! It can stand as is!"

Fondle is one of my favorite words. Probably because I am a sensualist and like to touch everything. 
I just happen to have manners, is all. I don't touch the controls unless I'm the pilot. Also, I will politely cut you if you touch the controls and I am the pilot.



K3itty said:


> I think finding the right person is likely a numbers game.


I agree. Out of about 30 sexual partners I can say I felt a very strong attraction to 4. 4! The rest I was moderately attracted to and let's just say didn't see that flame burning years into the future.

Out of those 4, 1 I was not compatible with at all. 2 I was mostly compatible with, but the differences weren't things I could see living happily with long term. The last I married.


----------



## GC1234

ConanHub said:


> Yup. It obviously wasn't voluntary or a conscious effort. It was just some weird chemical or mystic gravity that was instantaneous.


Of course it isn't, but unexpected when you're married. How'd you get past it?


----------



## K3itty

GC1234 said:


> Of course it isn't, but unexpected when you're married. How'd you get past it?


Happened to me too. Actually recently. 

I turned all that energy and excitement toward my husband! Huba huba!


----------



## joannacroc

People who aren't your usual physical type can become so if they have amazing things about them that you discover. Sometimes the chemistry needs a little time to blossom.

My XBF was objectively very attractive but my initial impression from photos was meh, why not give it a shot, he has a nice smile, and after meeting him, I was like, well he's actually quite attractive, and when I was in love with him, he was the most handsome man ever. 

Your feelings towards someone can alter how physically attractive they are. I have also conversely met physically attractive men who on closer aquaintance, are painfully boring or stupid or bigoted. And they then become instantly repulsive to me.

I think other posters here have a point. Unless you are recoiling, maybe give it another shot, especially if they have something about them that seems a good character trait?


----------



## Diana7

ConanHub said:


> It was so intense that it almost removed reason for both of us.
> 
> In each of the times it happened, if I had made a move (any move) we would have been naked very quickly and consequences be damned.


Do you think there is a difference between physical lust and chemistry? I think chemistry is way way more than just physical.


----------



## GC1234

Diana7 said:


> Do you think there is a difference between physical lust and chemistry? I think chemistry is way way more than just physical.


I think it's different. Chemistry is you're into them physically, but you're into them as a person also, like you care about them, or you want to anyway. 

Lust, clearly just physical.


----------



## ConanHub

GC1234 said:


> Of course it isn't, but unexpected when you're married. How'd you get past it?


The first time it happened was easy because it was my future wife and I almost got fired because we almost didn't stop having sex for the first week and my friends wondered what happened to me.

The second time was easy because we were traveling and stopped at a really big travel center in eastern Washington I think. As I was waiting for my family to get done shopping, it was a western style stop with a lot of cool things to buy, a young lady of maybe 20 walked out near where I was standing.

She was about 5'4" and had cowboy boots, a denim skirt, a light colored tank top and a cowboy hat. I'm not usually a fan of denim skirts but she could have been wearing a potato sack and it wouldn't have mattered.

I can't remember what started the conversation but she started talking and I started sweating because it felt like we were opposite polarities of a magnet.

I excused myself, saying I had to find my family but we couldn't stop smiling the whole time.

I found my herd and we got the hell out of Dodge!😁

The third time was at the home of a friend from church where we would get together every week and have dinner.

She was a new member of the church and had been invited by someone.

She was about 5"6" and was actually overweight but we couldn't stop looking at each other the entire dinner. It's almost like we were trying to figure out what the hell was going on but she made her way over to talk with me several times and after getting out of there, I stopped going to dinner over there and avoided her at church.

I actually missed several Sundays to make sure we didn't cross paths again.

The fourth one was very difficult. I'll talk about it later.


----------



## Ursula

Chaotic said:


> I met my current bf doing online dating and I found him fun to talk to, interesting and good-looking on the first date, but we were both nervous. We both relaxed and meshed more on the second date and the chemistry was for real on the third date. So....I guess it depends on how much time you want to spend looking? I think there has to be SOME interest on the first date but chemistry might take a couple dates to really be noticable.
> 
> But it's a pretty individual thing, too. 🤷


Yup, it's a pretty individual thing. When I was OLD, I met a lot of men. Like A (friggen) LOT. Some, I felt chemistry with; most was just awkward. Sometimes, they felt chemistry and I didn't; there really isn't a right or a wrong; you either feel it or you don't. But personally, I would give it at least a couple of dates. Date #1 is almost always awkward, and people are more themselves at Date #2 or #3. For my current BF, I felt the chemistry as soon as I sat down at the table and we started talking. Before meeting him, I had probably been on 100+ dates, which is insane, I know. I was looking for someone very specific, and knew going into Date #1 that he was someone different and potentially special. Sparks were there for me right away, and for him too, just not to the same extent. That happened for him the more time we spent together. 

My advice: give it time. Figure out what you're looking for, and go from there. Do those 3 guys have qualities that you're looking for? Are you physically attracted to them? Are you attracted to their personalities? Do they work? Maybe try 1 more date with them to see if something develops by that point.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> I won't lie. I have a "type" which I am having a difficult time finding because it's not "the thing". If online dating is to be believed, everyone is an adventure seeking, marathon running, world traveling philanthropist with 101 hobbies. Profiles read like a Dos Equis commercial for the "most interesting man in the world". I have to read profiles with a grain of salt or I won't find anyone interesting. * I'm looking for the opposite. Calm, stable, steady, settled.
> 
> I guess I'm piqued when how the person defines themselves through words and actions as someone I find interesting.* Does that make sense?
> 
> It's that well worn, favorite pair of perfect fitting jeans. You just know it when you try them on.


Don't feel bad, my type is a slightly scruffy intelligent man with a good head of hair and lots of fuzz. I'm suspicious of any man with perfect hair, NO man buns. How's that for specific? Yet, it leaves lots of room for the things that really matter.

Like you, I'm also drawn to calm, stable and steady and by how a man defines himself, both words and actions. Thanks to many of your warnings on the 2019 and 2020 singles thread, I didn't trust many of the profiles, b/c although some were well written, the conversation was definitely not up to scratch. 

Do you think you're getting burnt out because you're not really looking forward to going out on all those dates? I have to agree with Diana, be more not less selective. What you want is very specific, and "He" might also be very careful in his selective process. 

I know I only spent a few months on OLD, but I got way too many matches to ever go out with and spoke a LOT of men. What I found really annoying was it seemed some men "liked" every woman they find doable without bothering to read profiles.



Lila said:


> I am definitely not compromising on my deal breakers (too old for that) but there is room for compromise with things that are not critical to me. Figuring how long to give someone to determine chemistry is one of those non critical things. I just don't want to deal with any fall out or hard feelings if I let it go past a certain number of dates and still don't feel anything for th person. This is why I will not text/message extensively before meeting in person.


I'm very introverted, I hated the idea of eking out blocks of time to get dolled up and spend time with men I was iffy about, and having to reject a 2nd date was a terrifying prospect. You guys tend to advocate for meeting in person ASAP, avoid talking extensively before, and I did the exact opposite.

Given enough time, the ones who wanted to smash and dash outed themselves and were weeded out before date 1. You've seen how men here talk about having a time limit on when sex should happen, and "time wasters", well those men took themselves nicely out of the runnings to not waste MY time. 



K3itty said:


> The definition of Limerence.
> 
> And it's almost impossible to forget these people. So hopefully that person is compatible in other areas of life. And if so, that's your soul mate! Lol


Interesting. I've experienced this once, and it was exciting and terrifying all at once. Thankfully I was single at the time and it's mostly under control. How often does this happen? How do people control themselves if they are married? I honestly don't want to experience that again.


----------



## GC1234

ConanHub said:


> The first time it happened was easy because it was my future wife and I almost got fired because we almost didn't stop having sex for the first week and my friends wondered what happened to me.
> 
> The second time was easy because we were traveling and stopped at a really big travel center in eastern Washington I think. As I was waiting for my family to get done shopping, it was a western style stop with a lot of cool things to buy, a young lady of maybe 20 walked out near where I was standing.
> 
> She was about 5'4" and had cowboy boots, a denim skirt, a light colored tank top and a cowboy hat. I'm not usually a fan of denim skirts but she could have been wearing a potato sack and it wouldn't have mattered.
> 
> I can't remember what started the conversation but she started talking and I started sweating because it felt like we were opposite polarities of a magnet.
> 
> I excused myself, saying I had to find my family but we couldn't stop smiling the whole time.
> 
> I found my herd and we got the hell out of Dodge!😁
> 
> The third time was at the home of a friend from church where we would get together every week and have dinner.
> 
> She was a new member of the church and had been invited by someone.
> 
> She was about 5"6" and was actually overweight but we couldn't stop looking at each other the entire dinner. It's almost like we were trying to figure out what the hell was going on but she made her way over to talk with me several times and after getting out of there, I stopped going to dinner over there and avoided her at church.
> 
> I actually missed several Sundays to make sure we didn't cross paths again.
> 
> The fourth one was very difficult. I'll talk about it later.


Hahaha, all the bad stuff always happens at church! But you excused yourself, that's good. I can picture myself doing the same thing. 

This guy made eye contact with me, and then couldn't even look at me after that b/c my husband was there lol. It was like he got really shy, and didn't want my husband to understand? Meanwhile, I think everyone understood it, lol. It was the most awkward encounter I've ever had. 

Now you've piqued my curiosity about the fourth. Does Mrs. C know about these?


----------



## GC1234

TXTrini said:


> How do people control themselves if they are married? I honestly don't want to experience that again.


It's so hard! Uber hard!


----------



## Lila

joannacroc said:


> People who aren't your usual physical type can become so if they have amazing things about them that you discover. Sometimes the chemistry needs a little time to blossom.
> 
> My XBF was objectively very attractive but my initial impression from photos was meh, why not give it a shot, he has a nice smile, and after meeting him, I was like, well he's actually quite attractive, and when I was in love with him, he was the most handsome man ever.
> 
> Your feelings towards someone can alter how physically attractive they are. I have also conversely met physically attractive men who on closer aquaintance, are painfully boring or stupid or bigoted. And they then become instantly repulsive to me.
> 
> I think other posters here have a point. Unless you are recoiling, maybe give it another shot, especially if they have something about them that seems a good character trait?



For me, there has to be some level of physical attractiveness to keep me interested but I don't necessarily have a physical type. I Do however have a personality type. I'm on the hunt for that person.


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> Don't feel bad, my type is a slightly scruffy intelligent man with a good head of hair and lots of fuzz. I'm suspicious of any man with perfect hair, NO man buns. How's that for specific? Yet, it leaves lots of room for the things that really matter.
> 
> Like you, I'm also drawn to calm, stable and steady and by how a man defines himself, both words and actions. Thanks to many of your warnings on the 2019 and 2020 singles thread, I didn't trust many of the profiles, b/c although some were well written, the conversation was definitely not up to scratch.
> 
> Do you think you're getting burnt out because you're not really looking forward to going out on all those dates? I have to agree with Diana, be more not less selective. What you want is very specific, and "He" might also be very careful in his selective process.
> 
> I know I only spent a few months on OLD, but I got way too many matches to ever go out with and spoke a LOT of men. What I found really annoying was it seemed some men "liked" every woman they find doable without bothering to read profiles.


You bring up another thing I don't like about online dating. I can be super selective and possibly miss out on someone great who isn't good at writing a profile or I can be lenient and just take the chance. It's a risk either way. 

That's why I prefer to meet in person as soon as possible only because I need to really see, hear, experience the person I'm meeting. Tone of voice, intonation, pace, facial expressions, body language...I need all of it to determine attraction. There is something to be said for screening people for their intentions beforehand but since I slow play everything, anyone who is interested in hitting and quitting is going to get bored long before I get there. Heck, just getting my real name (not my nickname) and knowing where I live is a huge step.


----------



## ConanHub

GC1234 said:


> Hahaha, all the bad stuff always happens at church! But you excused yourself, that's good. I can picture myself doing the same thing.
> 
> This guy made eye contact with me, and then couldn't even look at me after that b/c my husband was there lol. It was like he got really shy, and didn't want my husband to understand? Meanwhile, I think everyone understood it, lol. It was the most awkward encounter I've ever had.
> 
> Now you've piqued my curiosity about the fourth. Does Mrs. C know about these?


The first two after her were handled without even a hint of impropriety and not worth bringing up.

The fourth was a different story. I'm trying to figure out how to link you to it because I've shared it on TAM and don't want to distract anymore from this thread unless Lila is finding any use from it.


----------



## Lila

So there's now 2 of the original 3 left in play. One took a gamble and lost (sad trombone). 

I can already tell this is going to be a strange week. Must be a full moon or something 🙄


----------



## K3itty

TXTrini said:


> How often does this happen? How do people control themselves if they are married?


Luckily or unfortunately this happens very rarely. If a marriage is not solid, I am sure that may sometimes explain why people have EA/PA. Since this kind of attraction really seems just by nature, the best way to defeat this is if your spouse was one of your limerent partner. For me, my husband was my first limerent experience as well.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> You bring up another thing I don't like about online dating. I can be super selective and possibly miss out on someone great who isn't good at writing a profile or I can be lenient and just take the chance. It's a risk either way.
> 
> That's why I prefer to meet in person as soon as possible only because I need to really see, hear, experience the person I'm meeting. Tone of voice, intonation, pace, facial expressions, body language...I need all of it to determine attraction. There is something to be said for screening people for their intentions beforehand but since I slow play everything, anyone who is interested in hitting and quitting is going to get bored long before I get there. Heck, just getting my real name (not my nickname) and knowing where I live is a huge step.


That's why I talked to them first at length before agreeing to meet. I preferred to give my brain a chance to assess before meeting up, having great chemistry and getting distracted by hormones. The impatient, unsuitable horndogs cut themselves loose.


----------



## GC1234

ConanHub said:


> The first two after her were handled without even a hint of impropriety and not worth bringing up.
> 
> The fourth was a different story. I'm trying to figure out how to link you to it because I've shared it on TAM and don't want to distract anymore from this thread unless Lila is finding any use from it.


If you can't link me, private message me. I'm curious how you handled that.


----------



## QuietRiot

TXTrini said:


> That's why I talked to them first at length before agreeing to meet. I preferred to give my brain a chance to assess before meeting up, having great chemistry and getting distracted by hormones. The impatient, unsuitable horndogs cut themselves loose.


This whole conversation is terrifying. I don’t want to do any of this stuff! Do you gals have fun doing this or do you hate it?


----------



## Chaotic

QuietRiot said:


> This whole conversation is terrifying. I don’t want to do any of this stuff! Do you gals have fun doing this or do you hate it?


Honestly, when I was doing it, it was fun for a couple days and then I started looking at it as a chore. Get home, eat dinner, wash dishes, clean litterbox, spend 20 minutes working on online dating. It ended up being worth it, but it wasn't super fun the whole time, especially sifting through a bunch of messages that just said "hey" or "sup".


----------



## Elizabeth001

QuietRiot said:


> This whole conversation is terrifying. I don’t want to do any of this stuff! Do you gals have fun doing this or do you hate it?


I hate it. That’s why I’m not getting anywhere. I can’t stand the “hey beautiful” or just a message that says “you are so gorgeous”, etc. There’s plenty on my profile to provide an opening line of interest, OTHER than my appearance. I’m tired of being arm candy. I thought it would be easier as I got older but it appears I’m aging better than most so it hasn’t really changed. I can’t stand superficial people. There’s a LOT more to me than the way I look. 

Some guy messaged me last week and said that I was hotter than the bottom of his laptop after watching too much Netflix. I gave him an “lol” for effort and then I blocked him. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001

Chaotic said:


> Honestly, when I was doing it, it was fun for a couple days and then I started looking at it as a chore. Get home, eat dinner, wash dishes, clean litterbox, spend 20 minutes working on online dating. It ended up being worth it, but it wasn't super fun the whole time, especially sifting through a bunch of messages that just said "hey" or "sup".


What’s even worse is if someone makes it to an actual conversation with me, I spend too much time trying to get to know them to find out a few days later that they are “early retired” and traveling around in a sh*tty old RV with no real savings, stability or plan. They also want you to drop your responsibilities (like your JOB) and meet them at the beach because they will be moving on in a week or 2. NO...I don’t want to spend my weekend hanging out at the pier watching you fish & NO I wouldn’t drop my entire life’s work to follow you around, helping you empty the sh*tter. 

Or the guys that spend EVERY weekend riding their penises ...errr ...motorcycles. Unless you have a sidecar for my dogs & we have an actual destination, I’m not interested. 

GAH!!!

Sorry if that was a t/j. I do feel better now though 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Lila said:


> How long do you give someone to determine chemistry?
> 
> My bff and I were visiting last weekend. She met her now husband online dating. She and I got tipsy and I let her set up a dating profile for me on Tinder.
> 
> I met three guys this past week (2 dates a piece) but felt zero chemistry with all of them. Before anyone asks, they looked like their profile pics, and they were funny, intelligent, and gracious but I just didn't feel any chemistry. They've all asked to see me again but I don't want to waste their time. Am I giving up too soon?
> 
> PS. For reference, it's not about physical attraction. I met a guy 12 years younger than me for coffee this morning. He was smokin hot but there was zero chemistry...again.


I think a couple of hours is sufficient provided that there's conversation back and forth during that time. Once in a while you just meet someone that you have plenty to talk about with. Now that doesn't always mean it's coupled up with sexual tension because I think you know that within the first couple of hours too but it's not exactly the same thing. 

Sometimes I like to think back on even friend relationships from long ago and what first attracted me to someone who became a good friend. The one I met in college she was wearing cowboy boots but was a hippie like me, and I just really related to that because I was also a cowgirl. We just hit it off right away. 

And then of course I bonded probably with the most people over music. I think it comes down to commonality and common interests for me.


----------



## QuietRiot

Elizabeth001 said:


> I hate it. That’s why I’m not getting anywhere. I can’t stand the “hey beautiful” or just a message that says “you are so gorgeous”, etc. There’s plenty on my profile to provide an opening line of interest, OTHER than my appearance. I’m tired of being arm candy. I thought it would be easier as I got older but it appears I’m aging better than most so it hasn’t really changed. I can’t stand superficial people. There’s a LOT more to me than the way I look.
> 
> Some guy messaged me last week and said that I was hotter than the bottom of his laptop after watching too much Netflix. I gave him an “lol” for effort and then I blocked him.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Ermmmm....no. No, I cannot.

Excuse me while I go hold myself and cry.


----------



## ConanHub

Elizabeth001 said:


> I hate it. That’s why I’m not getting anywhere. I can’t stand the “hey beautiful” or just a message that says “you are so gorgeous”, etc. There’s plenty on my profile to provide an opening line of interest, OTHER than my appearance. I’m tired of being arm candy. I thought it would be easier as I got older but it appears I’m aging better than most so it hasn’t really changed. I can’t stand superficial people. There’s a LOT more to me than the way I look.
> 
> Some guy messaged me last week and said that I was hotter than the bottom of his laptop after watching too much Netflix. I gave him an “lol” for effort and then I blocked him.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


How old was Netflix boy????

Is that what passes for game these days??


----------



## TXTrini

QuietRiot said:


> This whole conversation is terrifying. I don’t want to do any of this stuff! Do you gals have fun doing this or do you hate it?



Girl, the first few times I was like freaking Bambi. At first I had no idea how to spot the players, or that "casual dating" meant smash and dash. Let's just say I was REALLY glad I met my bf, even though I wasn't and still am not ready for anything super serious.

Just take it one day at a time, there's no need to rush anything. You may not even need to if you are a very social person. I'm a hermit, so OLD was the only way I'd meet someone besides a neighbor.



Elizabeth001 said:


> I hate it. That’s why I’m not getting anywhere. I can’t stand the “hey beautiful” or just a message that says “you are so gorgeous”, etc. There’s plenty on my profile to provide an opening line of interest, OTHER than my appearance. I’m tired of being arm candy. I thought it would be easier as I got older but it appears I’m aging better than most so it hasn’t really changed. I can’t stand superficial people. There’s a LOT more to me than the way I look.
> 
> Some guy messaged me last week and said that I was hotter than the bottom of his laptop after watching too much Netflix. I gave him an “lol” for effort and then I blocked him.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I thought that was a youngun "game" for 20/30 somethings, was totally shocked that grown-ass donkeys were coming with that ish  That's why great conversation and banter was a MUST for me. I need big.... muscles . Brains you pervs!!!


----------



## Chaotic

TXTrini said:


> Girl, the first few times I was like freaking Bambi. At first I had no idea how to spot the players, or that "casual dating" meant smash and dash. Let's just say I was REALLY glad I met my bf, even though I wasn't and still am not ready for anything super serious.


Me and my bf met doing OLD but were both mid 40s and had been in long term relationships that had ended. I think after a month or so of dating we had the "oh my God how weird is online dating, right?!?" conversation and compared notes on awkward texts we'd gotten and strange people we'd met and it was a lovely bonding experience 😂


----------



## QuietRiot

TXTrini said:


> Girl, the first few times I was like freaking Bambi. At first I had no idea how to spot the players, or that "casual dating" meant smash and dash. Let's just say I was REALLY glad I met my bf, even though I wasn't and still am not ready for anything super serious.
> 
> Just take it one day at a time, there's no need to rush anything. You may not even need to if you are a very social person. I'm a hermit, so OLD was the only way I'd meet someone besides a neighbor.
> 
> 
> I thought that was a youngun "game" for 20/30 somethings, was totally shocked that grown-ass donkeys were coming with that ish  That's why great conversation and banter was a MUST for me. I need big.... muscles . Brains you pervs!!!


Is this what happened with one of your 3 prospects @Lila?

Im just flabbergasted at all of this.


----------



## Enigma32

Elizabeth001 said:


> I hate it. That’s why I’m not getting anywhere. I can’t stand the “hey beautiful” or just a message that says “you are so gorgeous”, etc. There’s plenty on my profile to provide an opening line of interest, OTHER than my appearance. I’m tired of being arm candy. I thought it would be easier as I got older but it appears I’m aging better than most so it hasn’t really changed. I can’t stand superficial people. There’s a LOT more to me than the way I look.
> 
> Some guy messaged me last week and said that I was hotter than the bottom of his laptop after watching too much Netflix. I gave him an “lol” for effort and then I blocked him.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It sounds bad, but when men are forced to play the traditional numbers game of OLD and message what ends up being hundreds of ladies while only getting a 10% reply rate or so, it becomes rather tedious to send thoughtful, witty, personalized messages to each person. If ladies reply to a couple of more generic messages to show we are both interested, then the conversation should get more effort for it to continue.


----------



## hamadryad

TXTrini said:


> Girl, the first few times I was like freaking Bambi. At first I had no idea how to spot the players, or that "casual dating" meant smash and dash. Let's just say I was REALLY glad I met my bf, even though I wasn't and still am not ready for anything super serious.
> 
> Just take it one day at a time, there's no need to rush anything. You may not even need to if you are a very social person. I'm a hermit, so OLD was the only way I'd meet someone besides a neighbor.
> 
> 
> I thought that was a youngun "game" for 20/30 somethings, was totally shocked that grown-ass donkeys were coming with that ish  That's why great conversation and banter was a MUST for me. I need big.... muscles . Brains you pervs!!!


Wait a minute there sister....🙃

Let me relay a quick story....Mind you, I know nothing of OLD personally, only what some guys have told me...and what I have experienced since turning around 45 or so....

A close buddy of mine that got divorced was banging like at least 2 a month for almost 2 years on Match and other sites...(he's in his 50's) broke, unintelligent uninteresting, , and while some women may find him attractive, i don't get it ..Not to sound like a jerk, but if he's easily getting at least 2 a month, then I can tell you for sure that they are complete laydowns.. What he told me, was that it wasn't him pushing for the quick sex, it was them...From the photos he showed me(even the X rated ones), even if I believe only half of the stories, then it's clear that a LOT of women are using what God gave them without any arm twisting....And I have experienced the same thing-even without actively looking.....You seemingly can't have a simple convo with a lot of these women without them throwing all kinds of sexual cues...

So perhaps the laydowns and the aggressors are ruining it for some of you all that want to take your time and properly vet guys over time and compatibility...just sayin..


----------



## TXTrini

I wouldn't doubt it at all. There's nothing wrong with people being upfront looking for their thing, the issue arises when someone tries to pass themselves off as "looking for a relationship" when all they want is casual with someone who _is_ looking for a relationship.

I'm a big believer in you do you, but with the caveat of, don't mess with people on your journey.


----------



## Sue4473

Can I share a few thoughts?
In my experience I think I focus on the intense chemistry and then get blind sided by the lust, attraction and get attached. Some on here would agree lol. A lot of it is me and not being up front with what I want in a relationship and often settle for what they can give. Which in my case lately- not much.

How do you find the balance?
Right now I’m just talking with a friend. He’s been the friend who’s been there. Not saying I’m not physically attracted to him, but he’s more of I’m comfortable with you to be who I am. He knows all. Good and bad.
Yea, we’ve kissed in the past and that’s all it went. We did hang out and go listen to music the other night. It was fun, and relaxed. Nice to get out and away from all the stuff that’s happened.
The only negative or I say different is that he’s not a big talker. Maybe most men aren’t?
He does engage in talk, but like he states: I’m a man of a few words! He’s caring and treats me respectfully. So I enjoy his company and just take it one day at a time.


----------



## heartsbeating

TXTrini said:


> I wouldn't doubt it at all. There's nothing wrong with people being upfront looking for their thing, the issue arises when someone tries to pass themselves off as "looking for a relationship" when all they want is casual with someone who _is_ looking for a relationship.
> 
> I'm a big believer in you do you, but with the caveat of, don't mess with people on your journey.


Your post and the one preceding about the photo reminded me... a few years ago, work function at a bar, group of guys infiltrated our group. One (kinda randomly) came up to me and said this 'girl' he was seeing had just messaged that she was waiting for him. He then held his phone up with a photo displayed - of a naked woman in bed. Trying to keep our interaction short, I basically said, 'Okay, bye'. And then he continued that 'she could wait' and basically indicated that he'd rather stay and talk with me. It should be known that, despite being married and not interested in talking anyway, I am also highly cynical. So quickly processing in my mind was that he may just have that photo on his phone as his 'play'... what, like I'm supposed to feel some kind of special flattery that you'd rather be hanging with me than heading to a naked woman waiting in bed? And what, find some kind of appeal in knowing that you’re in demand? Get the eff outta here. And I relayed a sentiment along those lines (perhaps without the cursing and more succinctly). His buddy was nearby and bust out laughing. Told him, 'She's figured you out!' He looked taken aback and kinda deflated, and left moments after. You're welcome, buddy. 

Might I add, for those genuinely sending photos to a guy... you might wanna ensure you can trust him first. Or don't send them. Unless it doesn't bother some.


----------



## Lila

QuietRiot said:


> Is this what happened with one of your 3 prospects @Lila?
> 
> Im just flabbergasted at all of this.


Not exactly. He started talking **** about his ex wife. We're not compatible.


----------



## Lila

Enigma32 said:


> It sounds bad, but when men are forced to play the traditional numbers game of OLD and message what ends up being hundreds of ladies while only getting a 10% reply rate or so, it becomes rather tedious to send thoughtful, witty, personalized messages to each person. If ladies reply to a couple of more generic messages to show we are both interested, then the conversation should get more effort for it to continue.


Wait a second there enigma. No one is forcing anyone to do anything but if you're going to play the game, then at least put some effort into it. 

I use Tinder. I don't see any messages unless there is a Match (we both "liked" each other). That's enough effort to know we are both interested. 

Usually a "hi" gets a "hi" in return. If the guy can't come up with full sentences after that, I unmatch. 

A "wyd?" or "hi beautiful" is an automatic unmatch. We all know they're only there for a hookup. 

Any intro message that looks like a cut and paste is an automatic unmatch. That guy is dealing in high volume work right there. I must leave him to his work.


----------



## Lila

heartsbeating said:


> Your post and the one preceding about the photo reminded me... a few years ago, work function at a bar, group of guys infiltrated our group. One (kinda randomly) came up to me and said this 'girl' he was seeing had just messaged that she was waiting for him. He then held his phone up with a photo displayed - of a naked woman in bed. Trying to keep our interaction short, I basically said, 'Okay, bye'. And then he continued that 'she could wait' and basically indicated that he'd rather stay and talk with me. It should be known that, despite being married and not interested in talking anyway, I am also highly cynical. So quickly processing in my mind was that he may just have that photo on his phone as his 'play'... what, like I'm supposed to feel some kind of special flattery that you'd rather be hanging with me than heading to a naked woman waiting in bed? And what, find some kind of appeal in knowing that you’re in demand? Get the eff outta here. And I relayed a sentiment along those lines (perhaps without the cursing and more succinctly). His buddy was nearby and bust out laughing. Told him, 'She's figured you out!' He looked taken aback and kinda deflated, and left moments after. You're welcome, buddy.
> 
> Might I add, for those genuinely sending photos to a guy... you might wanna ensure you can trust him first. Or don't send them. Unless it doesn't bother some.


OMG @heartsbeating I had a similar. I have strange experiences like that a lot and thought it was just me. 

I went out to a bar one night with a girlfriend. This random guy sits next to me and starts chatting (like normal). He then shows me a pic of a semi naked woman and told me she was waiting on him but that he was having fun talking to me. I told him she was hot and that if he wasn't interested in her, I was. He got all excited and says something to the effect of how he could make it awesome for both of us (typical guy thinks he's in on the threesome). I looked him straight in the eye and with my best pirate smile said "yeah? Too bad you aren't invited". The deflated look on his face was priceless.


----------



## SunCMars

Lila said:


> How long do you give someone to determine chemistry?
> 
> My bff and I were visiting last weekend. She met her now husband online dating. She and I got tipsy and I let her set up a dating profile for me on Tinder.
> 
> I met three guys this past week (2 dates a piece) but felt zero chemistry with all of them. Before anyone asks, they looked like their profile pics, and they were funny, intelligent, and gracious but I just didn't feel any chemistry. They've all asked to see me again but I don't want to waste their time. Am I giving up too soon?
> 
> PS. For reference, it's not about physical attraction. I met a guy 12 years younger than me for coffee this morning. He was smokin hot but there was zero chemistry...again.


Chemistry is instant.

Wham...
Bam!

That said, some people have very particular molecular mixtures. They do not bond easily.

Everything has to be just so....

The heat , the container, the pressure, the availability of attracting atoms (Adams).

And....

You are subconsciously resisting.
Maybe, because of fear and the mistrust of men; you not wanting to get hurt.

You do not want to surrender yourself, body and soul, only to get used, abandoned and hurt.

You take life seriously. 

Intimacy is loved and enjoyed, but it must be more than mere lust. 

You want the full Monty, not just that Python!


----------



## SunCMars

On second read, the cynic is strong in you. 

Your stew will take many encounters to warm up.


----------



## Lila

SunCMars said:


> On second read, the cynic is strong in you.
> 
> Your stew will take many encounters to warm up.


Lol, why do you think that? And before you answer, have you done online dating?


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> OMG @heartsbeating I had a similar. I have strange experiences like that a lot and thought it was just me.
> 
> I went out to a bar one night with a girlfriend. This random guy sits next to me and starts chatting (like normal). He then shows me a pic of a semi naked woman and told me she was waiting on him but that he was having fun talking to me. I told him she was hot and that if he wasn't interested in her, I was. He got all excited and says something to the effect of how he could make it awesome for both of us (typical guy thinks he's in on the threesome). I looked him straight in the eye and with my best pirate smile said "yeah? Too bad you aren't invited". The deflated look on his face was priceless.


Hahah back atcha! Although, not too surprising. There's probably a blog somewhere recommending this 'approach'. Maybe it was the same photo


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> A "wyd?"


 I googled this... didn't know what it meant!


----------



## heartsbeating

Now I'm curious @Lila if you have met the time machine guy, as well?

This was one of the most memorable for me. And granted, it's pretty rare that I'm hit-on. Anyway, few years ago Batman and I were at a gig. He'd gone to the restroom. Out of nowhere, a guy came up to me and told me, in quite an urgent and serious manner, that he had a time machine waiting outside and he'd come to get me (or something). He didn't even say hello first. I couldn't help it, I was laughing. He wouldn't have even known that I was a Dr Who fan. Batman came back and the guy was cool, moved on. Then we both had a bit of a laugh about it. That's who I attract apparently!

The other night Batman and I were out with friends. I was momentarily standing alone. Guy walked by, smiled and said a simple, 'Hey, how you doing?' (but not like Joey from Friends), I replied, 'Yeah, good thanks'. His friend walking behind him gave the raised-eyebrows-head-nod-combo with 'Hi, how are ya?' ...'Good' ...No big deal. Batman suggested the correct answer from me is 'Eff off' ...so it's 'Hi, how are ya?' Response: 'Eff off!' He wasn't serious of course, just laughing and playing around.


----------



## In Absentia

heartsbeating said:


> I googled this... didn't know what it meant!


me too...


----------



## Lila

heartsbeating said:


> Now I'm curious @Lila if you have met the time machine guy, as well?
> 
> This was one of the most memorable for me. And granted, it's pretty rare that I'm hit-on. Anyway, few years ago Batman and I were at a gig. He'd gone to the restroom. Out of nowhere, a guy came up to me and told me, in quite an urgent and serious manner, that he had a time machine waiting outside and he'd come to get me (or something). He didn't even say hello first. I couldn't help it, I was laughing. He wouldn't have even known that I was a Dr Who fan. Batman came back and the guy was cool, moved on. Then we both had a bit of a laugh about it. That's who I attract apparently!
> 
> The other night Batman and I were out with friends. I was momentarily standing alone. Guy walked by, smiled and said a simple, 'Hey, how you doing?' (but not like Joey from Friends), I replied, 'Yeah, good thanks'. His friend walking behind him gave the raised-eyebrows-head-nod-combo with 'Hi, how are ya?' ...'Good' ...No big deal. Batman suggested the correct answer from me is 'Eff off' ...so it's 'Hi, how are ya?' Response: 'Eff off!' He wasn't serious of course, just laughing and playing around.


Hahaha. No time machine guys for me. Honestly I probably wouldn't have understood the reference but would have given him an A for effort. 

No, I really do attract the strange ones. My best story was the guy that showed me a pic of his tattooed ****. I was with my ex husband at a crowded bar and this guy starts talking to both of us about my exes "sleeves". My ex turns to talk to someone else and the dude turns to me to continue the convo. We're just having a regular conversation and he whips out his phone and shows me a pic of his tattooed ****. Then he asks me if it's too much. Hmmm? I very seriously asked him if he liked it. He said yes so I told him that's all that matters. Turned to my ex and said we gotta go.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

SunCMars said:


> Chemistry is instant.
> 
> Wham...
> Bam!
> 
> That said, some people have very particular molecular mixtures. They do not bond easily.
> 
> Everything has to be just so....
> 
> The heat , the container, the pressure, the availability of attracting atoms (Adams).
> 
> And....
> 
> You are subconsciously resisting.
> Maybe, because of fear and the mistrust of men; you not wanting to get hurt.
> 
> You do not want to surrender yourself, body and soul, only to get used, abandoned and hurt.
> 
> You take life seriously.
> 
> Intimacy is loved and enjoyed, but it must be more than mere lust.
> 
> You want the full Monty, not just that Python!


Ha!

Chemistry can certainly be instant. 

Sometimes it can take 5 or 6 rondevues to decide whether or not it's long lasting though. 😉


----------



## Chaotic

Enigma32 said:


> It sounds bad, but when men are forced to play the traditional numbers game of OLD and message what ends up being hundreds of ladies while only getting a 10% reply rate or so, it becomes rather tedious to send thoughtful, witty, personalized messages to each person. If ladies reply to a couple of more generic messages to show we are both interested, then the conversation should get more effort for it to continue.


When I was doing OLD, I read an article about the uneven ratio of men to women and how the women who had the most success were taking the initiative and finding men they were interested in and messaging them first. I think a lot of women are uncomfortable doing that, but numbers-wise it does make more sense.


----------



## SunCMars

Lila said:


> Lol, why do you think that? And before you answer, have you done_ online dating_?


No, just_ benign stating_.


----------



## SunCMars

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Ha!
> 
> Chemistry can certainly be instant.
> 
> Sometimes it can take 5 or 6 rondevues to decide whether or not it's long lasting though. 😉


Or maybe, five or six _round butt views_.


----------



## Lila

SunCMars said:


> No, just_ benign stating_.


Very funny. But I know @SunCMars . Nothing you write is benign. 😏


----------



## SunCMars

Lila said:


> Very funny. But I know @SunCMars . Nothing you write is benign. 😏


We have no words to counter that.


----------



## TXTrini

heartsbeating said:


> Your post and the one preceding about the photo reminded me... a few years ago, work function at a bar, group of guys infiltrated our group. One (kinda randomly) came up to me and said this 'girl' he was seeing had just messaged that she was waiting for him. He then held his phone up with a photo displayed - of a naked woman in bed. Trying to keep our interaction short, I basically said, 'Okay, bye'. And then he continued that 'she could wait' and basically indicated that he'd rather stay and talk with me. It should be known that, despite being married and not interested in talking anyway, I am also highly cynical. So quickly processing in my mind was that he may just have that photo on his phone as his 'play'... what, like I'm supposed to feel some kind of special flattery that you'd rather be hanging with me than heading to a naked woman waiting in bed? And what, find some kind of appeal in knowing that you’re in demand? Get the eff outta here. And I relayed a sentiment along those lines (perhaps without the cursing and more succinctly). His buddy was nearby and bust out laughing. Told him, 'She's figured you out!' He looked taken aback and kinda deflated, and left moments after. You're welcome, buddy.
> 
> Might I add, for those genuinely sending photos to a guy... you might wanna ensure you can trust him first. Or don't send them. Unless it doesn't bother some.



That reminds me of my first OLD experience.

He sent me a pic of him doing the nasty with another woman (DURING) gushing how he couldn't wait to do that with me. He was shocked when I told him what I thought of him and blocked him on everything. I got missed calls for weeks after. I still can't believe the unmitigated gall of the man.


----------



## TXTrini

Sue4473 said:


> Can I share a few thoughts?
> In my experience I think I focus on the intense chemistry and then get blind sided by the lust, attraction and get attached. Some on here would agree lol. *A lot of it is me and not being up front with what I want in a relationship and often settle for what they can give. *Which in my case lately- not much.
> 
> How do you find the balance?
> Right now I’m just talking with a friend. He’s been the friend who’s been there. Not saying I’m not physically attracted to him, but he’s more of I’m comfortable with you to be who I am. He knows all. Good and bad.
> Yea, we’ve kissed in the past and that’s all it went. We did hang out and go listen to music the other night. It was fun, and relaxed. Nice to get out and away from all the stuff that’s happened.
> The only negative or I say different is that he’s not a big talker. Maybe most men aren’t?
> He does engage in talk, but like he states: I’m a man of a few words! *He’s caring and treats me respectfully. So I enjoy his company and just take it one day at a time.*


Sue, I was in your position, completely blindsided by strong attraction/passion etc. and got way too attached without it being reciprocated. It really freaking sucks, but that's when you must decide what you will/won't accept and communicate that. You know exactly what to do, you recognized what's causing the issue, so do the opposite and see how it works out. 

Your guy sounds very introverted, how about you? Are you ok with him not being a talker? He sounds like a very lovely person to be around and once there's a spark, it sounds promising. Try not to obsess about him though, and take each date as it comes. Match his communication and give him a little space, and he might very well open up some more. This sounds fairly new, even though you guys have known each other for a while.



Lila said:


> Not exactly. He started talking **** about his ex wife. We're not compatible.


What kinda ****? Have they been divorced long? How many dates have you 2 had? 


Lila said:


> Wait a second there enigma. No one is forcing anyone to do anything but if you're going to play the game, then at least put some effort into it.
> 
> I use Tinder. I don't see any messages unless there is a Match (we both "liked" each other). That's enough effort to know we are both interested.
> 
> Usually a "hi" gets a "hi" in return. If the guy can't come up with full sentences after that, I unmatch.
> 
> A "wyd?" or "hi beautiful" is an automatic unmatch. We all know they're only there for a hookup.
> 
> Any intro message that looks like a cut and paste is an automatic unmatch. That guy is dealing in high volume work right there. I must leave him to his work.


I agree. I still find it cringy to use Tinder though I got that point about the numbers


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> That reminds me of my first OLD experience.
> 
> He sent me a pic of him doing the nasty with another woman (DURING) gushing how he couldn't wait to do that with me. He was shocked when I told him what I thought of him and blocked him on everything. I got missed calls for weeks after. I still can't believe the unmitigated gall of the man.


Now THAT'S something I have never run into. Wow!!! I wonder if that one falls under the new Texas law banning sexually explicit photos from being sent unrequested.


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> what kinda ****? Have they been divorced long? How many dates have you 2 had?


Just the regular ****. She's a crazy ***** who makes his life a living hell. Blah, blah, blah....

We have been on 2 dates and he asked about my divorce. I gave him the quick version; he proceeded to give me the play by play. He's been divorced 2 years and obviously still angry. I don't want to involve myself with someone who hasn't gotten to the acceptance phase of grief. 



> I agree. I still find it cringy to use Tinder though I got that point about the numbers


😁


----------



## ConanHub

TXTrini said:


> That reminds me of my first OLD experience.
> 
> He sent me a pic of him doing the nasty with another woman (DURING) gushing how he couldn't wait to do that with me. He was shocked when I told him what I thought of him and blocked him on everything. I got missed calls for weeks after. I still can't believe the unmitigated gall of the man.


People are strange.....😳


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> Now THAT'S something I have never run into. Wow!!! I wonder if that one falls under the new Texas law banning sexually explicit photos from being sent unrequested.


Girl, it was a rude awakening to the single life, that's for sure! I retreated for a bit before I ventured out again  


Lila said:


> Just the regular *. She's a crazy ** who makes his life a living hell. Blah, blah, blah....
> 
> We have been on 2 dates and he asked about my divorce. I gave him the quick version; he proceeded to give me the play by play. He's been divorced 2 years and obviously still angry. I don't want to involve myself with someone who hasn't gotten to the acceptance phase of grief.
> 
> 😁


Yeah, that's a bit much for 2 dates, geez. My bf told me it was 5 years before he started dating again, he had a really hard time wanting to get back out there. His ex cheated and married her AP within 2 months of getting their final papers. 

I don't blame you at all for dropping him, he doesn't sound ready.


----------



## SunCMars

TXTrini said:


> That reminds me of my first OLD experience.
> 
> He sent me a pic of him doing the nasty with another woman (DURING) gushing how he couldn't wait to do that with me. He was shocked when I told him what I thought of him and blocked him on everything. I got missed calls for weeks after. I still can't believe the unmitigated gall of the man.


Another case were the internet and its anonymity coughs up its hairballs. 
How disgusting! 

For him to do so, and think this thinking and behavior is alright, makes me wonder how many women think this is OK.

I think few. 

Um, I hope Commander Ms. _Zero_, Senora _Nada,_ and Miss Nona _Zilch_.

Likely, he was only interested in harassing innocent females. I hope he was a stupid fourteen year old kid, not a man.


----------



## QuietRiot

TXTrini said:


> Girl, it was a rude awakening to the single life, that's for sure! I retreated for a bit before I ventured out again
> 
> Yeah, that's a bit much for 2 dates, geez. My bf told me it was 5 years before he started dating again, he had a really hard time wanting to get back out there. His ex cheated and married her AP within 2 months of getting their final papers.
> 
> I don't blame you at all for dropping him, he doesn't sound ready.


I think I’ll wait until I’m in a nursing home and date the single men then. I don’t think can ever be an online dater.

I am now actively hoping I don’t meet these chemistry people you all speak of, I’d say something like “Shiny squirrel, bye cake.” Or I have this super weird thing where if I know someone I don’t know is looking at me I can’t seem to stand right, so I move around trying to find a least unflattering position to put my body in, and I never know what to do with my hands so I shove them in like 4 different pockets. I’m too awkward for hundreds of first dates! I also snort when I laugh and get super excited about stationary. Things aren’t looking good for me. 😂


----------



## ConanHub

QuietRiot said:


> I think I’ll wait until I’m in a nursing home and date the single men then. I don’t think can ever be an online dater.
> 
> I am now actively hoping I don’t meet these chemistry people you all speak of, I’d say something like “Shiny squirrel, bye cake.” Or I have this super weird thing where if I know someone I don’t know is looking at me I can’t seem to stand right, so I move around trying to find a least unflattering position to put my body in, and I never know what to do with my hands so I shove them in like 4 different pockets. I’m too awkward for hundreds of first dates! I also snort when I laugh and get super excited about stationary. Things aren’t looking good for me. 😂


😂😂😂


----------



## TXTrini

SunCMars said:


> Another case were the internet and its anonymity coughs up its hairballs.
> How disgusting!
> 
> For him to do so, and think this thinking and behavior is alright, makes me wonder how many women think this is OK.
> 
> I think few.
> 
> Um, I hope Commander Ms. _Zero_, Senora _Nada,_ and Miss Nona _Zilch_.
> 
> Likely, he was only interested in harassing innocent females. I hope he was a stupid fourteen year old kid, not a man.


I was righteously furious, he's lucky he texted me and wasn't sitting next to me, or he wouldn't have been able to repeat that performance.

This was a 43 y/o man who had a great career, was financially stable and previously married. It's cool, a life lesson for sure! He served his purpose


----------



## TXTrini

QuietRiot said:


> I think I’ll wait until I’m in a nursing home and date the single men then. I don’t think can ever be an online dater.
> 
> I am now actively hoping I don’t meet these chemistry people you all speak of, I’d say something like “Shiny squirrel, bye cake.” Or I have this super weird thing where if I know someone I don’t know is looking at me I can’t seem to stand right, so I move around trying to find a least unflattering position to put my body in, and I never know what to do with my hands so I shove them in like 4 different pockets. I’m too awkward for hundreds of first dates! I also snort when I laugh and get super excited about stationary. Things aren’t looking good for me. 😂


Girl, you'll have so much pent up sexual frustration, you will be the physical incarnation of the "Widow maker"


----------



## Lila

Since we are discussing online dating, I wonder if this something particular to me or common with others.


I've mentioned before that I'm a magnet for men with young children but what is ironic is that many of these men will not date single mothers of young children. 

Have any of you run into this with either single moms of young kids not wanting to date single dads with kids and vice versa?


----------



## QuietRiot

TXTrini said:


> Girl, you'll have so much pent up sexual frustration, you will be the physical incarnation of the "Widow maker"


I can think of worse ways for an old man to go. 😉


----------



## QuietRiot

Lila said:


> Since we are discussing online dating, I wonder if this something particular to me or common with others.
> 
> 
> I've mentioned before that I'm a magnet for men with young children but what is ironic is that many of these men will not date single mothers of young children.
> 
> Have any of you run into this with either single moms of young kids not wanting to date single dads with kids and vice versa?


I have had a girlfriend who refused to date a man with children though she had a young daughter. Her reason? She didn’t want anyone taking attention away from her kid or have her kid share her with other kids. And she wanted a guy that would focus on her and her kid. I thought it was a super selfish viewpoint, if that’s the case raise your kid and don’t date. But sure enough she found a guy without kids.


----------



## Rowan

Lila said:


> Since we are discussing online dating, I wonder if this something particular to me or common with others.
> 
> I've mentioned before that I'm a magnet for men with young children but what is ironic is that many of these men will not date single mothers of young children.
> 
> Have any of you run into this with either single moms of young kids not wanting to date single dads with kids and vice versa?



Back when I was doing OLD, I kept running into guys in their mid-40s to mid-50s, most never married, who wanted to settle down and have babies with someone. Which, let's face it, is it's very own set of red flags.

I had a 13 year old at the time, but was unable to have more children. I eventually just set my filters to weed out guys with no children, guys with young children _and_ guys who wanted children. Sure, it limited my pool of potential matches, but I really was looking for someone with older or grown kids. 

Of course, I also gradually increased my filters to weed out all manner of other things that kept popping up in my matches. By the time I met my now-husband, I'd even set my profile so that the only men who could even see me were ones I'd first sent a wink/flirt or message to. It was just easier that way for me. Luckily, my fella was okay with me reaching out to him first.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> Since we are discussing online dating, I wonder if this something particular to me or common with others.
> 
> 
> I've mentioned before that I'm a magnet for men with young children but what is ironic is that many of these men will not date single mothers of young children.
> 
> Have any of you run into this with either single moms of young kids not wanting to date single dads with kids and vice versa?


When I did OLD, I was 40, no kids, not looking to have any. I dated men without kids, then after that peach, expanded to include men with kids. I dated one guy with young kids and wasn't interested in repeating that experience. He didn't have as much time as I wanted.



Rowan said:


> Back when I was doing OLD, I kept running into guys in their mid-40s to mid-50s, most never married, who wanted to settle down and have babies with someone. Which, let's face it, is it's very own set of red flags.
> 
> I had a 13 year old at the time, but was unable to have more children. I eventually just set my filters to weed out guys with no children, guys with young children _and_ guys who wanted children. Sure, it limited my pool of potential matches, but I really was looking for someone with older or grown kids.
> 
> Of course, I also gradually increased my filters to weed out all manner of other things that kept popping up in my matches. By the time I met my now-husband, I'd even set my profile so that the only men who could even see me were ones I'd first sent a wink/flirt or message to. It was just easier that way for me. Luckily, my fella was okay with me reaching out to him first.


Yeah, I thought that was weird! I can't believe those old farts want to baby up at that stage  

Even with good filters though, people still slip through the cracks. I specifically stated I was not looking to have kids, but didn't mind if men had already, and was flooded by men who wanted children.


----------



## Lila

QuietRiot said:


> I have had a girlfriend who refused to date a man with children though she had a young daughter. Her reason? She didn’t want anyone taking attention away from her kid or have her kid share her with other kids. And she wanted a guy that would focus on her and her kid. I thought it was a super selfish viewpoint, if that’s the case raise your kid and don’t date. But sure enough she found a guy without kids.


Wow that's bold of her but if it worked in her favor, more power to her. Is she still with the guy?


----------



## Lila

Rowan said:


> Back when I was doing OLD, I kept running into guys in their mid-40s to mid-50s, most never married, who wanted to settle down and have babies with someone. Which, let's face it, is it's very own set of red flags.
> 
> I had a 13 year old at the time, but was unable to have more children. I eventually just set my filters to weed out guys with no children, guys with young children _and_ guys who wanted children. Sure, it limited my pool of potential matches, but I really was looking for someone with older or grown kids.
> 
> Of course, I also gradually increased my filters to weed out all manner of other things that kept popping up in my matches. By the time I met my now-husband, I'd even set my profile so that the only men who could even see me were ones I'd first sent a wink/flirt or message to. It was just easier that way for me. Luckily, my fella was okay with me reaching out to him first.


What app did you use? 

I'm looking for similar but Tinder does not allow for those types of filters using the free app.....and I'm not paying.


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> When I did OLD, I was 40, no kids, not looking to have any. I dated men without kids, then after that peach, expanded to include men with kids. I dated one guy with young kids and wasn't interested in repeating that experience. He didn't have as much time as I wanted.
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah, I thought that was weird! I can't believe those old farts want to baby up at that stage
> 
> Even with good filters though, people still slip through the cracks. I specifically stated I was not looking to have kids, but didn't mind if men had already, and was flooded by men who wanted children.


I have heard that the older men who mark "want more children" are doing that to interest younger women. 

I want to find someone in a similar life stage. 
I love my son with all of my heart but I am so looking forward to the freedom having a grown child will afford me. 

Add to it that I work from home and can literally work from anywhere in the world. The plan is to move out of my town and closer to the ocean. I'm spying South Carolina or NE/Space Coast, FL. I can kiss those dreams goodbye if I date someone with young kids.


----------



## lifeistooshort

QuietRiot said:


> I have had a girlfriend who refused to date a man with children though she had a young daughter. Her reason? She didn’t want anyone taking attention away from her kid or have her kid share her with other kids. And she wanted a guy that would focus on her and her kid. I thought it was a super selfish viewpoint, if that’s the case raise your kid and don’t date. But sure enough she found a guy without kids.


People can ask for anything they want and if they can find it good for them.

The issue cones in when they can't and then get pissed off because they're entitled.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Lila said:


> I have heard that the older men who mark "want more children" are doing that to interest younger women.
> 
> I want to find someone in a similar life stage.
> I love my son with all of my heart but I am so looking forward to the freedom having a grown child will afford me.
> 
> Add to it that I work from home and can literally work from anywhere in the world. The plan is to move out of my town and closer to the ocean. I'm spying South Carolina or NE/Space Coast, FL. I can kiss those dreams goodbye if I date someone with young kids.


I don't understand the younger women who sign up for kids with old farts.

FYI, I'm in NE FL and it's great!


----------



## QuietRiot

Lila said:


> Wow that's bold of her but if it worked in her favor, more power to her. Is she still with the guy?


Last I knew they were getting married. I used to work with her and we became friends but I’ve since lost touch.


----------



## Lila

lifeistooshort said:


> I don't understand the younger women who sign up for kids with old farts.
> 
> FYI, I'm in NE FL and it's great!


I love that area. There is the benefit of the large city but it's not S. Florida.


----------



## QuietRiot

lifeistooshort said:


> People can ask for anything they want and if they can find it good for them.
> 
> The issue cones in when they can't and then get pissed off because they're entitled.


She definitely got pissed off that guys would get offended by her refusing to date them because they had a kid, knowing that she had one. Some of them were really nice guys! She couldn’t understand why they’d be offended.


----------



## Enigma32

Lila said:


> Wait a second there enigma. No one is forcing anyone to do anything but if you're going to play the game, then at least put some effort into it.
> 
> I use Tinder. I don't see any messages unless there is a Match (we both "liked" each other). That's enough effort to know we are both interested.
> 
> Usually a "hi" gets a "hi" in return. If the guy can't come up with full sentences after that, I unmatch.
> 
> A "wyd?" or "hi beautiful" is an automatic unmatch. We all know they're only there for a hookup.
> 
> Any intro message that looks like a cut and paste is an automatic unmatch. That guy is dealing in high volume work right there. I must leave him to his work.


Any guy that is using OLD is very likely putting a ton of effort into it. Just follow the conventional wisdom given to men on how to have success with OLD. It comes down to the "numbers game" everyone always talks about. For men, the numbers game is sending out a ton of messages knowing full well that 9 out of 10 of them will ignore you entirely regardless of the content of your message. Reading long winded profiles that all sound the same just so that you can come up with a witty opening message tailored to someone that isn't even going to bother reading what you wrote becomes disheartening. Plenty of guys, after spending a bit of time on OLD, start to just send simple messages. 

Personally, I think OLD is just another way our current culture has all-but killed conventional dating and I advise people not to take part in it.


----------



## Enigma32

Chaotic said:


> When I was doing OLD, I read an article about the uneven ratio of men to women and how the women who had the most success were taking the initiative and finding men they were interested in and messaging them first. I think a lot of women are uncomfortable doing that, but numbers-wise it does make more sense.


I read about similar results myself. I spent waaaaay too much time researching OLD over the last decade. I learned enough to realize it ain't worth it for 99.9% of people who try it.


----------



## Lila

Enigma32 said:


> Any guy that is using OLD is very likely putting a ton of effort into it. Just follow the conventional wisdom given to men on how to have success with OLD. It comes down to the "numbers game" everyone always talks about. For men, the numbers game is sending out a ton of messages knowing full well that 9 out of 10 of them will ignore you entirely regardless of the content of your message. Reading long winded profiles that all sound the same just so that you can come up with a witty opening message tailored to someone that isn't even going to bother reading what you wrote becomes disheartening. Plenty of guys, after spending a bit of time on OLD, start to just send simple messages.


I get it, it's a catch 22. They can spend time reading profiles and sending thoughtful messages without getting a response -or- they spend zero time reading through profiles and just send simple "hi" messages that will get no response and blocked. Pick your poison. 



> Personally, I think OLD is just another way our current culture has all-but killed conventional dating and I advise people not to take part in it.


I agree with you 💯. However online dating is here to stay. The genie was released and there's no putting it back in.


----------



## Enigma32

Lila said:


> I get it, it's a catch 22. They can spend time reading profiles and sending thoughtful messages without getting a response -or- they spend zero time reading through profiles and just send simple "hi" messages that will get no response and blocked. Pick your poison.


Maybe yourself and a few others will ignore the generic messages but many ladies will not. IMO, the investment required to send personalized messages to each woman just isn't worth it. I mean, it makes OLD more interesting for YOU, but that's about it. Men are usually better off sticking to the conventional advice and sending out generic messages to every reasonably attractive female and then fielding the replies from interested ladies. If a few ladies block him, that's ok because who really wants to read hundreds of profiles and think of hundreds of custom made messages? The generic messages DO work, albeit at a slightly less rate, but with exponentially more effort. 



> I agree with you 💯. However online dating is here to stay. The genie was released and there's no putting it back in.


Just because a thing exists does not mean one has to participate in it.


----------



## QuietRiot

Do you get any higher caliber of person on the paid platforms?


----------



## Enigma32

QuietRiot said:


> Do you get any higher caliber of person on the paid platforms?


Maybe some. I've had people tell me as much before. A good female friend of mine met her new husband on Match maybe 3 years ago and they're both good people. In my personal experience, most of the people on the paid sites are also on the free sites, there's just fewer of them. I was on Match at the same time and I reconized most of those ladies from POF and Tinder.


----------



## lifeistooshort

A good gf of mine met her husband on Match. She had lunch with 1 guy...didn't click...then met hb.

They've been happily married a few years now. She just turned 50 and I think he's 54 or 55.

She was diagnosed with cancer right after they married and he stayed by her side. It was state 1 and she's I'm full remission now.


----------



## TXTrini

QuietRiot said:


> Do you get any higher caliber of person on the paid platforms?


I met my bf on Match, first date off there.

Freak and Ghost were from *******. I wasn't attracted to any of my matches on eHarmony.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> What app did you use?
> 
> I'm looking for similar but Tinder does not allow for those types of filters using the free app.....and I'm not paying.


Sometimes get what you pay for! I find people behave better and appreciate things they pay for and don't value free things.

Eharmony sucks balls though


----------



## Enigma32

TXTrini said:


> Eharmony sucks balls though


I signed up for Eharmony, filled out their questionaire, and they told me they couldn't help me since there were no matches in my area. Good times.


----------



## TXTrini

Enigma32 said:


> I signed up for Eharmony, filled out their questionaire, and they told me they couldn't help me since there were no matches in my area. Good times.


I got matched with dudes who lived 150 miles away and one sap who tried to use me as a therapist. I also didn't find a single one of my matches attractive and I don't have impossible standards. 

Buuuuuuut eHarmony was the only dating app besides Tinder I knew about. Ya'll know what I think about Tinder


----------



## AVR1962

Two of the men that I dated in length were from Match. Eharmony has not been productive for me. Forget Tinder unless you are looking for a hook-up.


----------



## ccpowerslave

Doesn’t anyone just go to the bar at Applebee’s these days?


----------



## Evinrude58

Lila said:


> Already thought of that. It's part of the pre-approval process.😉


Oh snap!


----------



## Sue4473

TXTrini said:


> Sue, I was in your position, completely blindsided by strong attraction/passion etc. and got way too attached without it being reciprocated. It really freaking sucks, but that's when you must decide what you will/won't accept and communicate that. You know exactly what to do, you recognized what's causing the issue, so do the opposite and see how it works out.
> 
> Your guy sounds very introverted, how about you? Are you ok with him not being a talker? He sounds like a very lovely person to be around and once there's a spark, it sounds promising. Try not to obsess about him though, and take each date as it comes. Match his communication and give him a little space, and he might very well open up some more. This sounds fairly new, even though you guys have known each other for a while.
> 
> 
> What kinda ****? Have they been divorced long? How many dates have you 2 had?
> 
> I agree. I still find it cringy to use Tinder though I got that point about the numbers


It’s a bit different as I do most of the talking lol!
But when he does talk- it’s done genuinely and direct. We plan to hang out some more when work and responsibilities die down.
He has a middle schooler that he has week in week off with his ex. And I’m slammed at work with it being end of school year and testing craziness.

I feel comfortable in his presence and feel I can be completely me, so that’s a good sign to start.


----------



## lifeistooshort

ccpowerslave said:


> Doesn’t anyone just go to the bar at Applebee’s these days?


Some guy chatted me up in the grocery store recently while I was getting oranges.

We both really loved those oranges so I guess that’s a start!

He was cute and probably in my desired age range, plus he had a cute new Zealand accent.

But alas, I had to cut it short since I'm taken 😊


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> Sometimes get what you pay for! I find people behave better and appreciate things they pay for and don't value free things.
> 
> Eharmony sucks balls though


I guess I've been "lucky". I experienced more "bad behavior" from men on Match, when I tried it a couple of years ago, than I have on both times on Tinder... And I was paying for Match.

My biggest pet peeve with Match is that it shows profiles to everyone based on their preferences, not on the preferences of the profile owner. For example, I had my search range set to 15 miles but was getting likes from people well outside it because I was within THEIR search range. Now imagine that with all 10 or so preferences Match lets you set. I would also like/message guys who appeared on my deck but whose preferences I didn't match. I hated that! I did not want my profile shown to anyone that wasn't a "match" and I'm sure they didn't either. I got hate mail for not responding to messages from people all over the country. No thanks. 

There was also the issue of the many inactive profiles of people who'd stopped paying. I would generously say 1 in 3 profiles were active. And there is no way to tell unless the owner of the profile allows the site to show when they were less active. I had that set to no and I'm sure many others did as well.

The straw that broke the camels back was when I deactivated my profile (made not visible) and found messages when I went back a week later to delete the account. There should have been no messages because my account was supposedly deactivated. I called Match and they told me it was a "system glitch". That pissed me off. It's shady. 

@Enigma32 is correct in that most people who are on the paid sites are also on the free ones. I tried Hinge and a good chunk of the profiles that were on Match were on hinge, and it's free. 

The one thing I did like about Match is the ability to have more than 500 character profiles. 

I think jerks and time wasters are going to be on every platform but at least on Tinder, I'm only seeing those that at least match my filter preferences.


----------



## ccpowerslave

lifeistooshort said:


> Some guy chatted me up in the grocery store recently while I was getting oranges.
> 
> We both really loved those oranges so I guess that’s a start!
> 
> He was cute and probably in my desired age range, plus he had a cute new Zealand accent.
> 
> But alas, I had to cut it short since I'm taken 😊


Yeah exactly. The grocery store I go to is popping off with hot women.


----------



## lifeistooshort

ccpowerslave said:


> Yeah exactly. The grocery store I go to is popping off with hot women.


He was smooth too. After I picked one up he smiled at me at said "I wanted thar one".

I looked at him and said "you can have it but it'll cost you"....pretty sure I had a smirk. He chuckled at that one.

Talked for a bit and then I went on my way.


----------



## ccpowerslave

lifeistooshort said:


> He was smooth too. After I picked one up he smiled at me at said "I wanted thar one".
> 
> I looked at him and said "you can have it but it'll cost you"....pretty sure I had a smirk. He chuckled at that one.
> 
> Talked for a bit and then I went on my way.


If you think about it, grocery store might be better than an online compatibility test. You can look in the person’s basket and see what they eat and then also see them IRL.

Yoga pants + buying protein + no candy + a beer or bottle of wine. 🔥


----------



## Rowan

Lila said:


> What app did you use?
> 
> I'm looking for similar but Tinder does not allow for those types of filters using the free app.....and I'm not paying.


I used EHarmony and Match. 

I had several first/second dates, and even one brief relationship, with men I met on EHarmony. I found more options on Match, and a fair number of first/second dates with guys from there. And I met my now-husband on Match. 

Again, though, I was filtering heavily and eventually had my profile hidden from anyone I hadn't already contacted, and it worked well for me. They may have changed their system by now, though. It's been nearly 6 years since I was on there.


----------



## lifeistooshort

ccpowerslave said:


> If you think about it, grocery store might be better than an online compatibility test. You can look in the person’s basket and see what they eat and then also see them IRL.
> 
> Yoga pants + buying protein + no candy + a beer or bottle of wine. 🔥


Does dark chocolate count as candy?

😁


----------



## ccpowerslave

lifeistooshort said:


> Does dark chocolate count as candy?
> 
> 😁


No but it needs to be 70%+ or nibs. A box of blueberries or frozen blueberries will also make it invisible even if it’s 60%. I am willing to bend a little.

Those little high % ones by the register show a lady likes a treat, values her health, and shows restraint. 🔥


----------



## lifeistooshort

ccpowerslave said:


> No but it needs to be 70%+ or nibs. A box of blueberries or frozen blueberries will also make it invisible even if it’s 60%. I am willing to bend a little.


Fair enough...I'm an 80%-90% girl.

Full disclosure though....I do like sweets. I just take a while to eat it all.

I had a small chocolate lava cake from the bakery in bf's fridge....took me 2 weeks to finish it. I take one or two bites and put it back.

Interesting match for a diabetic guy, which mine is. Fortunately he has great discipline and doesn't care if I keep sweets around....he doesn't touch them.

I think you're better off looking in one's cart to see if most of it is real food, suggesting that they do actually cook. Cooking one's own food makes a huge difference.


----------



## ccpowerslave

lifeistooshort said:


> I think you're better off looking in one's cart to see if most of it is real food, suggesting that they do actually cook. Cooking one's own food makes a huge difference.


Oh yeah for sure. I have seen a few women walk up to the register and put down a pack of Turkey lunch meat, a grab and go salad, and a bottle of Rose. High compatibility match!

My wife would eat pure garbage if I didn’t cook for her. The last business trip I took she was proud she cooked asparagus. Other than that she ate mostly popcorn and quesadillas. It almost makes me want to cook ahead for her and freeze stuff.


----------



## LisaDiane

ccpowerslave said:


> No but it needs to be 70%+ or nibs. A box of blueberries or frozen blueberries will also make it invisible even if it’s 60%. I am willing to bend a little.
> 
> Those little high % ones by the register show a lady likes a treat, values her health, and shows restraint. 🔥


Are you saying blueberries are BAD...? That can't be right...


----------



## ccpowerslave

LisaDiane said:


> Are you saying blueberries are BAD...? That can't be right...


I’m saying blueberries can cancel out 10% fat and sugar from a 60% bar of “dark chocolate”. So they’re good. I hate them but I try to eat them anyway.


----------



## LisaDiane

ccpowerslave said:


> I’m saying blueberries can cancel out 10% fat and sugar from a 60% bar of “dark chocolate”. So they’re good. I hate them but I try to eat them anyway.


Oh, ok...I get it...more math equations...


----------



## ccpowerslave

LisaDiane said:


> Oh, ok...I get it...more math equations...


You should have seen my attempt to make a political thread. I tried A & B != A | B and it went over like a lead balloon.


----------



## LisaDiane

ccpowerslave said:


> No but it needs to be 70%+ or nibs. A box of blueberries or frozen blueberries will also make it invisible even if it’s 60%. I am willing to bend a little.
> 
> Those little high % ones by the register show a lady likes a treat, values her health, and shows restraint. 🔥


I just want to add that I'm now considering putting a bag of chips and a 6-pack of soda in my cart so I can weed out the men who don't know how to relax and throw caution to the wind once in awhile...


----------



## LisaDiane

ccpowerslave said:


> You should have seen my attempt to make a political thread. I tried A & B != A | B and it went over like a lead balloon.


Lol!!! Yeah...I can see that happening!


----------



## AVR1962

ccpowerslave said:


> Doesn’t anyone just go to the bar at Applebee’s these days?


Good one!!!! Pretty rare, rather surprising actually! Had a couple other incidents where I was approached while out but most times everyone is looking at their phones. Applebee's is far better than Golden Corral


----------



## lifeistooshort

AVR1962 said:


> Good one!!!! Pretty rare, rather surprising actually! Had a couple other incidents where I was approached while out but most times everyone is looking at their phones. Applebee's is far better than Golden Corral


Ha ha ha.....Golden Corral.

That's a low bar...that place is a free for all!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


----------



## Sfort

lifeistooshort said:


> Ha ha ha.....Golden Corral.
> 
> That's a low bar...that place is a free for all!
> 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


I want to ask "how so?", but how do I do that without creating a TJ? (I know some people in the GC organization.)


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> Now THAT'S something I have never run into. Wow!!! I wonder if that one falls under the new Texas law banning sexually explicit photos from being sent unrequested.


I wish I hadn't  
I haven't heard of that law, but this happened in 2019.


----------



## TXTrini

ccpowerslave said:


> Doesn’t anyone just go to the bar at Applebee’s these days?


I ate at Applebee's ONCE
I left there feeling like they should have paid me for my trouble


----------



## Rowan

I think if you're a grown person, trying to meet other grown people in person, you're probably better off getting involved in a hobby or some sort of volunteer or civic group. 

But, if you've just got to hang out at a bar to pick up people, at least make it one with a decent whisky menu. You'll get a better quality of scotch, and a better quality of drinkers...😜


----------



## ConanHub

ccpowerslave said:


> Doesn’t anyone just go to the bar at Applebee’s these days?


HALLELUJAH!!!! As light streams from heaven!

Not single but this would be me if I was.🙂


----------



## ccpowerslave

TXTrini said:


> I ate at Applebee's ONCE
> I left there feeling like they should have paid me for my trouble


It was a bit of a joke (Applebee’s) but the idea is sound. I have enjoyed a few fine family meals at Applebee’s just like Ricky Bobby.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> I guess I've been "lucky". I experienced more "bad behavior" from men on Match, when I tried it a couple of years ago, than I have on both times on Tinder... And I was paying for Match.
> 
> My biggest pet peeve with Match is that it shows profiles to everyone based on their preferences, not on the preferences of the profile owner. For example, I had my search range set to 15 miles but was getting likes from people well outside it because I was within THEIR search range. Now imagine that with all 10 or so preferences Match lets you set. I would also like/message guys who appeared on my deck but whose preferences I didn't match. I hated that! I did not want my profile shown to anyone that wasn't a "match" and I'm sure they didn't either. I got hate mail for not responding to messages from people all over the country. No thanks.
> 
> There was also the issue of the many inactive profiles of people who'd stopped paying. I would generously say 1 in 3 profiles were active. And there is no way to tell unless the owner of the profile allows the site to show when they were less active. I had that set to no and I'm sure many others did as well.
> 
> The straw that broke the camels back was when I deactivated my profile (made not visible) and found messages when I went back a week later to delete the account. There should have been no messages because my account was supposedly deactivated. I called Match and they told me it was a "system glitch". That pissed me off. It's shady.
> 
> @Enigma32 is correct in that most people who are on the paid sites are also on the free ones. I tried Hinge and a good chunk of the profiles that were on Match were on hinge, and it's free.
> 
> The one thing I did like about Match is the ability to have more than 500 character profiles.
> 
> I think jerks and time wasters are going to be on every platform but at least on Tinder, I'm only seeing those that at least match my filter preferences.


How do you filter, Lila? I thought you said Tinder doesn't have many? Isn't 15 miles kinda tight though? That doesn't give for a while lot of selection. Heck, my bf lives 22 miles away now, and it was twice that when we just started dating!

I never noticed that Match did that, but I didn't like their suggestions for me, so I decided to do my own filtering.


----------



## TXTrini

ccpowerslave said:


> It was a bit of a joke (Applebee’s) but the idea is sound. I have enjoyed a few fine family meals at Applebee’s just like Ricky Bobby.


I prefer Chilis, their food is decent. The Applebees I went to was so horrid, I never wanted to go to another. I don't eat out much though, just for stuff I can't/don't want to cook. I way too critical and can't enjoy my meal if my cooking is better.


----------



## ccpowerslave

ConanHub said:


> HALLELUJAH!!!! As light streams from heaven!
> 
> Not single but this would be me if I was.🙂


The bar my wife and I go to on weekends has single ladies that go in as regulars. Sometimes with friends, sometimes without. Based on where they live they probably have gainful employment and such and you can walk right up and talk with them if you wanted to take a shot. 

It seems like it would cut through a lot of the online BS and you don’t have to worry about LDR or competition from guys that only exist on a computer screen. She can check out the goods right there.

I like @lifeistooshort’s grocery idea as well. I have chatted with people randomly in my local store if they’re buying something that looks good and random women have chatted me up as well in there.


----------



## TXTrini

Sue4473 said:


> It’s a bit different as I do most of the talking lol!
> But when he does talk- it’s done genuinely and direct. We plan to hang out some more when work and responsibilities die down.
> He has a middle schooler that he has week in week off with his ex. And I’m slammed at work with it being end of school year and testing craziness.
> 
> *I feel comfortable in his presence and feel I can be completely me, so that’s a good sign to start.*


Ha! Sounds similar to the dynamic I have with my bf. We're both introverts, though he's way more sociable. I talk more, but he will engage. If you two are feeling it, don't let schedules be the issue, it's well worth it. My bf and I started seeing each other every other weekend, sometimes just one night thrown in (after a few months). It's every weekend now, but I wouldn't wish that on any father (I have a thread about that). Your last line makes me think you have something potentially really special. Good luck!


----------



## ConanHub

ccpowerslave said:


> The bar my wife and I go to on weekends has single ladies that go in as regulars. Sometimes with friends, sometimes without. Based on where they live they probably have gainful employment and such and you can walk right up and talk with them if you wanted to take a shot.
> 
> It seems like it would cut through a lot of the online BS and you don’t have to worry about LDR or competition from guys that only exist on a computer screen. She can check out the goods right there.
> 
> I like @lifeistooshort’s grocery idea as well. I have chatted with people randomly in my local store if they’re buying something that looks good and random women have chatted me up as well in there.


I've never had problems starting conversation in real life and there has never been a shortage of potentially datable women.

I can't say for certain, but if I ever find myself looking, I don't think I will be looking on OLD.😉


----------



## TXTrini

ccpowerslave said:


> If you think about it, grocery store might be better than an online compatibility test. You can look in the person’s basket and see what they eat and then also see them IRL.
> 
> Yoga pants + buying protein + no candy + a beer or bottle of wine. 🔥


I like the grocery idea too! I used to get approached a lot in the grocery but I didn't think anything of it, I was married, now I'm not looking. 

Cart snooping sure is fun!


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> How do you filter, Lila? I thought you said Tinder doesn't have many? Isn't 15 miles kinda tight though? That doesn't give for a while lot of selection. Heck, my bf lives 22 miles away now, and it was twice that when we just started dating!
> 
> I never noticed that Match did that, but I didn't like their suggestions for me, so I decided to do my own filtering.


Tinder has the basic filters for distance, age, marital status, education, religion, smoking, drugs, and drinking. They also ask about kids and the kind of relationship seeking (hookup, casual, serious). I screen for divorced, within 15 miles radius, 38-55, non smoker, non drug user, social drinker, and looking for something serious. 

The 15 mile radius works because Tinder finds matches based on your location at any given time. I figure my normal commute extends an additional 5 miles which means at certain times of the day, I'm seeing profiles up to 20 miles away. Where I live, a 15 mile commute is at least 30 minutes without heavy traffic (there is always traffic). Much longer in heavy traffic. The running joke is that it's considered a long distance relationship if someone on the north side of town is dating someone on the south side of town. 

@TXTrini how often do you see your bf?


----------



## heartsbeating

I thought of a colleague who tried online dating again. I can’t remember which app. She went on a date. He was okay - they met up a couple more times. She liked him but was unsure. Based on what she shared initially we were joking with her that she was friend-zoning him. The more she saw him though, the more she liked. Then we started hearing about his yummy arms, and his cooking, then she came to work on top of the world one day haha. They had taken things relatively slowly and no doubt she had set the pace. She wouldn’t be intimate until both had tests. Anyway… now they’re married. She didn’t foresee marrying again.

I don’t think there’s necessarily a formula to this stuff. Aside from gauging if you’d rather get home to your puppies. And I mean in terms of relationships; not picking up a buzz that’s likely purely physical.


----------



## heartsbeating

TXTrini said:


> I like the grocery idea too! I used to get approached a lot in the grocery but I didn't think anything of it, I was married, now I'm not looking.
> 
> Cart snooping sure is fun!


Personally, I’m like ninja cat at the grocery store. I don’t know if it would make any difference if my relationship status was different. I prefer to go early morning when there’s hardly anyone there (it’s when I get coffee too), and I’m in and out in a flash. Most getting coffee at that time are the local tradesmen (plumbers, builders, arborists) before work. I collect my coffee (and sometimes for ole Bats too, depending on his day) and I’m off.

Only interaction I can think of when I have gone, aside from with staff, was I recently bought a coffee for an older man sitting outside fundraising. It was a cold morning. I gave a donation, then told him I was heading across the way to get myself a coffee and asked if he’d like one too. He took up the offer. When ordering, the barista looked surprised and asked, ‘Is that for Batman?’ Indicating his order had changed. I briefly explained.


----------



## heartsbeating

Also the chocolate cookies are for my husband (for nosey shopping cart inspectors) 😛


----------



## Lila

heartsbeating said:


> Personally, I’m like ninja cat at the grocery store



Hahaha!! I love it. 

If real life was like the American game show Supermarket Sweep, I would be undefeated champ. I go into the store with a list that is sorted by location within the store. So bread and nuts go first, then dairy, then produce, so on and so forth. I pop the ear buds and play my fastest cardio playset then get to shopping at the beat of the tunes.... Fast. I'm usually in and out 20 minutes max. If I ever meet a man at the grocery store it's because I accidentally crippled him with my cart.


----------



## Enigma32

The key to meeting people at a restaurant or whatever is to go there often enough that you become a regular. Instead of wasting your time on apps, find a nice place to have dinner and drinks and start going out into the world. Bypass all the stupid rules people have set in place for OLD.


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> Hahaha!! I love it.
> 
> If real life was like the American game show Supermarket Sweep, I would be undefeated champ. I go into the store with a list that is sorted by location within the store. So bread and nuts go first, then dairy, then produce, so on and so forth. I pop the ear buds and play my fastest cardio playset then get to shopping at the beat of the tunes.... Fast. I'm usually in and out 20 minutes max. If I ever meet a man at the grocery store it's because I accidentally crippled him with my cart.


This is what I ought to do. Instead I have a list in my head that navigates me through the store. If anyone was watching me (they aren’t!) they would see me go to one end then back to the other - when I suddenly remember another item in my ‘mental’ list. I’m still quick but a written list would be more efficient. Good job, you.


----------



## ConanHub

Lila said:


> Hahaha!! I love it.
> 
> If real life was like the American game show Supermarket Sweep, I would be undefeated champ. I go into the store with a list that is sorted by location within the store. So bread and nuts go first, then dairy, then produce, so on and so forth. I pop the ear buds and play my fastest cardio playset then get to shopping at the beat of the tunes.... Fast. I'm usually in and out 20 minutes max. If I ever meet a man at the grocery store it's because I accidentally crippled him with my cart.


I would pay you to train Mrs. Conan!🙄


----------



## heartsbeating

I liked the mention about chemistry with friends as relationships. Those closest are the ones I’ve observed in one interaction and felt they’re my kind of peeps. One was even someone that interviewed me. I had this feeling of ‘oh I could have a right laugh with her.’ I got the role and sure enough we’re still good friends years after we both left. There’s a couple of friends who I felt less instantaneous with but we got to know each other and developed a friendship. Conversely, I tend to feel quite solidly of who I don’t or won’t vibe with. Sure, it could be seen as a bias but I’ve experienced characteristics emerge whereby my initial observations or judgement were correct - for me. And likely, mutual for them too. I wouldn’t be their cup of tea either.


----------



## Lila

Enigma32 said:


> The key to meeting people at a restaurant or whatever is to go there often enough that you become a regular. Instead of wasting your time on apps, find a nice place to have dinner and drinks and start going out into the world. Bypass all the stupid rules people have set in place for OLD.


This is a great idea but I don't see how that is going to improve the odds for meeting others any more than online dating. For example, I keep an above average (for my age group) busy social calendar. I also have a teenager living at home. I would never have the time to go to one place enough to become a regular. 

I do think single men should participate in singles activities. There are way more women that participate in those than men.


----------



## ccpowerslave

I usually shop with no list. I get nitro coffee first, then Pellegrino, replace any deli meat that is low like French ham. Then I almost always buy salad stuff, mushrooms, tomatoes, green onions, artichokes if they look good, asparagus, broccoli. After that I buy whatever meat looks good (hint all of it) and then I’m out.

Sometimes I will check what fresh pasta they have and if they have one that looks like I can’t pass it up I will grab that with the $8 garden pesto thing that is fairly healthy. I get husband points when I do this and usually I cheat and serve myself a small portion and give her the rest then eat a pack of hot dogs.

So that my wife tolerates this lack of carbs I order high quality chocolates online and get them delivered.


----------



## Lila

ConanHub said:


> I would pay you to train Mrs. Conan!🙄


Sorry @ConanHub. I was trained by my ex. I have faith in you to train Mrs C.


----------



## ConanHub

Are people losing the art of charming?

The ability to be endearing and attractive in regular, everyday interactions?

I could have had a date with an attractive owner of a health food store recently.

She was probably still shy of thirty and took my phone number to let me know when a product I wanted came in. 

Mrs. Conan's radar went off with her and she told me she liked me. Mrs. C's intuition has never been off.

The owner called me later and tried to get me to come in to get the product for free.

I can't overemphasize the effectiveness of personal interaction.


----------



## ConanHub

Lila said:


> Sorry @ConanHub. I was trained by my ex. I have faith in you to train Mrs C.


Nearly thirty years in and it is not happening.😂

To be fair, I'm intransigent on a couple of thorns in her side as well.😉


----------



## Lila

ConanHub said:


> Are people losing the art of charming?
> 
> The ability to be endearing and attractive in regular, everyday interactions?


This would make a great thread discussion topic. Depending on where you start it (politics or social) will probably determine the types of responses.


----------



## ConanHub

Lila said:


> This would make a great thread discussion topic. Depending on where you start it (politics or social) will probably determine the types of responses.


Accepted.


----------



## Enigma32

Lila said:


> This is a great idea but I don't see how that is going to improve the odds for meeting others any more than online dating. For example, I keep an above average (for my age group) busy social calendar. I also have a teenager living at home. I would never have the time to go to one place enough to become a regular.
> 
> I do think single men should participate in singles activities. There are way more women that participate in those than men.


I'm a regular at one of our local Mexican restaurants. Go there at least once a week for dinner and or drinks. Every single employee there knows me now, and even wait staff not working my table stop by to say hello. One of the waitresses there has a thing for me now and I've seen her get priority if I come in. If I wasn't taken, I'd easily have a date with her. That's all it takes. As long as you are fishing with the right bait, you're gonna reel someone in.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> Tinder has the basic filters for distance, age, marital status, education, religion, smoking, drugs, and drinking. They also ask about kids and the kind of relationship seeking (hookup, casual, serious). I screen for divorced, within 15 miles radius, 38-55, non smoker, non drug user, social drinker, and looking for something serious.
> 
> The 15 mile radius works because Tinder finds matches based on your location at any given time. I figure my normal commute extends an additional 5 miles which means at certain times of the day, I'm seeing profiles up to 20 miles away. Where I live, a 15 mile commute is at least 30 minutes without heavy traffic (there is always traffic). Much longer in heavy traffic. The running joke is that it's considered a long distance relationship if someone on the north side of town is dating someone on the south side of town.
> 
> @TXTrini how often do you see your bf?


Hmm, you're not overscreening, the only thing I can comment on is the search radius. But I get it, each city mile is like a human/dog year with city traffic. I noticed when I lived in the city, people tried to date within quadrants, the trouble is I wasn't particularly interested in anyone I saw, so I expanded my search.

However, I moved to a small town almost an hour from the city. When we started dating I we lived about 90 mins apart, now it's 30-40 mins. Nowadays we spend nearly every weekend together, up from every other weekend (1 day> 1day & N > 2 N).

Weekdays aren't doable, we live/work opposite schedules and it's just too far to go back and forth. We don't mind though, some sacrifices are worth making if things are good enough. We text a lot during the week, but we've both busy and try to handle our responsibilities to clear weekends.

ETA I used to ask every dude what their political leanings were BEFORE we went out. I wasn't looking to squabble with anyone or have anyone try to change me. 😁 How's that for picky? 

I see how that wouldn't work for many people though, especially with children involved.


----------



## TXTrini

heartsbeating said:


> Personally, I’m like ninja cat at the grocery store. I don’t know if it would make any difference if my relationship status was different. I prefer to go early morning when there’s hardly anyone there (it’s when I get coffee too), and I’m in and out in a flash. Most getting coffee at that time are the local tradesmen (plumbers, builders, arborists) before work. I collect my coffee (and sometimes for ole Bats too, depending on his day) and I’m off.
> 
> Only interaction I can think of when I have gone, aside from with staff, was I recently bought a coffee for an older man sitting outside fundraising. It was a cold morning. I gave a donation, then told him I was heading across the way to get myself a coffee and asked if he’d like one too. He took up the offer. When ordering, the barista looked surprised and asked, ‘Is that for Batman?’ Indicating his order had changed. I briefly explained.


Ha! I'm the total opposite.

I have a digital list with digital coupons clipped on the store app and know where to find everything unless they reorganized since my last visit. I usually only buy bread, produce, dairy, and whatever non-perishables can't get delivered to my house.

The farmer I order grass-fed beef brings it right to my door, and he's thrilled I moved closer.


----------



## heartsbeating

TXTrini said:


> Ha! I'm the total opposite.
> 
> I have a digital list with digital coupons clipped on the store app and know where to find everything unless they reorganized since my last visit. I usually only buy bread, produce, dairy, and whatever non-perishables can't get delivered to my house.
> 
> The farmer I order grass-fed beef brings it right to my door, and he's thrilled I moved closer.


Okay, you are indeed ninja-cat with your approach.

I have demoted myself to 'quickly winging-it but with aspirations of ninja-cat-status'.


----------



## AVR1962

Sfort said:


> I want to ask "how so?", but how do I do that without creating a TJ? (I know some people in the GC organization.)


Long-standing joke here!!!!


----------



## Sue4473

TXTrini said:


> Ha! Sounds similar to the dynamic I have with my bf. We're both introverts, though he's way more sociable. I talk more, but he will engage. If you two are feeling it, don't let schedules be the issue, it's well worth it. My bf and I started seeing each other every other weekend, sometimes just one night thrown in (after a few months). It's every weekend now, but I wouldn't wish that on any father (I have a thread about that). Your last line makes me think you have something potentially really special. Good luck!


Yes! taking it slow and steady
Thanks!! ☺


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> It's that well worn, favorite pair of perfect fitting jeans. You just know it when you try them on.


I was thinking about your analogy... thing is, the well-worn fave pair of 'perfect' jeans typically aren't like that when you first try them on. There's indication in the beginning it's the pair of jeans that suits you, but the well-worn comfort comes with time and usually after being through the wash a bit and exposure to different scenarios, and which perhaps builds upon that initial view you had when they were brand new.


----------



## Davie

Lila said:


> How long do you give someone to determine chemistry?
> 
> My bff and I were visiting last weekend. She met her now husband online dating. She and I got tipsy and I let her set up a dating profile for me on Tinder.
> 
> I met three guys this past week (2 dates a piece) but felt zero chemistry with all of them. Before anyone asks, they looked like their profile pics, and they were funny, intelligent, and gracious but I just didn't feel any chemistry. They've all asked to see me again but I don't want to waste their time. Am I giving up too soon?
> 
> PS. For reference, it's not about physical attraction. I met a guy 12 years younger than me for coffee this morning. He was smokin hot but there was zero chemistry...again.


Hold out amd be picky follow your gut


----------



## Lila

heartsbeating said:


> I was thinking about your analogy... thing is, the well-worn fave pair of 'perfect' jeans typically aren't like that when you first try them on. There's indication in the beginning it's the pair of jeans that suits you, but the well-worn comfort comes with time and usually after being through the wash a bit and exposure to different scenarios, and which perhaps builds upon that initial view you had when they were brand new.


But @heartbeating, you know when you know. I have a pair of jeans that I've owned for about 6 years. I paid $225 for them only because a. I wasn't aware of what they cost when I tried them on and b. they fit perfectly and look fantastic. I was willing to pay whatever they wanted at that point. 

That's what I'm saying about the jeans fitting perfectly from the get go.


----------



## minimalME

Lila said:


> I paid $225 for them…


🤭


----------



## Lila

I had another date with one of the remaining original 3. He's a nice guy but just not the one for me. So one left from the original three and we're going golfing Sunday morning (lawd help me). 

I did have two more zero dates (coffee for both). One I really enjoyed meeting (but he's not looking for anything serious) and the other not so much (he was much older than he claimed on his profile). I'm going to see a band play tomorrow night with the non-serious one. Heck at this point, maybe I need to follow his lead and just find a FWB to enjoy while I make my empty nest plans. Can't beat 'em, join 'em.


----------



## Lila

minimalME said:


> 🤭


I was not walking out of that store without those jeans. But yeah, I did have a minor heart attack when I saw the price tag. And they were on sale.


----------



## ccpowerslave

Lila said:


> I was not walking out of that store without those jeans. But yeah, I did have a minor heart attack when I saw the price tag. And they were on sale.


I have a pair in that price range I bought maybe 10 years ago and I pulled out of retirement recently. They’re slightly tighter than I want which means they’re perfect.

My current BAE is Dearborn denim which sells made in USA pants but in 1” increments in the waist and length. Men’s jeans (like Levi’s) normally are 2” for both waist and length and since I am weird my ideal size is 37”x35” which are both intermediate sizes. I keep buying them every time they send me a new offer.

I just got 2 pairs today; summer weight in heavy wash relaxed fit. I am still not used to the modern low cut style but that’s how the kids wear them so I am going with it. They seem to work well if you wear shirts designed to be untucked.


----------



## Lila

ccpowerslave said:


> I have a pair in that price range I bought maybe 10 years ago and I pulled out of retirement recently. They’re slightly tighter than I want which means they’re perfect.
> 
> My current BAE is Dearborn denim which sells made in USA pants but in 1” increments in the waist and length. Men’s jeans (like Levi’s) normally are 2” for both waist and length and since I am weird my ideal size is 37”x35” which are both intermediate sizes. I keep buying them every time they send me a new offer.
> 
> I just got 2 pairs today; summer weight in heavy wash relaxed fit. I am still not used to the modern low cut style but that’s how the kids wear them so I am going with it. They seem to work well if you wear shirts designed to be untucked.


Thanks for the information on the half sizes. My son has a 29" waist but a 34" inseam. We have a very difficult time finding 30 x 34 much less his actual waist size.


----------



## ccpowerslave

Lila said:


> Thanks for the information on the half sizes. My son has a 29" waist but a 34" inseam. We have a very difficult time finding 30 x 34 much less his actual waist size.


Check them out. I have one pair of khaki colored light wash from them I have worn out with a blazer and such. The denim in them isn’t as heavy like 501s so they’re more versatile.

So far I am a fan and that was without bikini girls in their ads; all they had to put was made in Chicago.


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> But @heartbeating, you know when you know. I have a pair of jeans that I've owned for about 6 years. I paid $225 for them only because a. I wasn't aware of what they cost when I tried them on and b. they fit perfectly and look fantastic. I was willing to pay whatever they wanted at that point.
> 
> That's what I'm saying about the jeans fitting perfectly from the get go.


Were they Paige?

I still think despite how things ‘fit’ from the get go, time and awareness of how that fit remains with different scenarios is more telling. Still, more power to you for getting out there. Enjoy the gig! Are you wearing the jeans? 😉


----------



## heartsbeating

I had on a dress the other night. Was getting ready in a hurry with friends picking us up. Batman looked at me weirdly. I said, ‘what?’ Knowing he’s seen me in this dress before and likes it. He replied, ‘interesting outfit…’ Confused, I asked what he meant. He told me, ‘…interesting choice to wear the back tucked into your underwear.’ 😆. Gawd. So do take a minute to check yourself over in the mirror before heading out. Enjoy x


----------



## ConanHub

heartsbeating said:


> I had on a dress the other night. Was getting ready in a hurry with friends picking us up. Batman looked at me weirdly. I said, ‘what?’ Knowing he’s seen me in this dress before and likes it. He replied, ‘interesting outfit…’ Confused, I asked what he meant. He told me, ‘…interesting choice to wear the back tucked into your underwear.’ 😆. Gawd. So do take a minute to check yourself over in the mirror before heading out. Enjoy x


Well that's dignified.😋


----------



## QuietRiot

heartsbeating said:


> I had on a dress the other night. Was getting ready in a hurry with friends picking us up. Batman looked at me weirdly. I said, ‘what?’ Knowing he’s seen me in this dress before and likes it. He replied, ‘interesting outfit…’ Confused, I asked what he meant. He told me, ‘…interesting choice to wear the back tucked into your underwear.’ 😆. Gawd. So do take a minute to check yourself over in the mirror before heading out. Enjoy x


Always trying to show off your derrière. Naughty.


----------



## heartsbeating

QuietRiot said:


> Always trying to show off your derrière. Naughty.


Indeed. Naughty yet dignified was the look I was going for.

And would have been mortified if I’d stepped out like that!


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> I had another date with one of the remaining original 3. He's a nice guy but just not the one for me. So one left from the original three and we're going golfing Sunday morning (lawd help me).
> 
> I did have two more zero dates (coffee for both). One I really enjoyed meeting (but he's not looking for anything serious) and the other not so much (he was much older than he claimed on his profile). I'm going to see a band play tomorrow night with the non-serious one. Heck at this point, maybe I need to follow his lead and just find a FWB to enjoy while I make my empty nest plans. Can't beat 'em, join 'em.


How about an update @Lila ? Curious aka nosy minds are wondering


----------



## Lila

heartsbeating said:


> How about an update @Lila ? Curious aka nosy minds are wondering


Lol. Nothing fabulous to report other than I shut down Tinder. It's overwhelming me and I just don't have the patience for it. 

Casual dating guy was loads of fun. The band we went to see wasn't very good so I suggested we go to the karaoke bar next door. We got a private karaoke room and proceeded to belt out our favorites (poorly I might add) for 2 hours. I had a great time and he's already planning our next adventure. I don't see this turning into anything more than occasional fun nights out which is fine by me.

Golf guy (GG) and I are definitely not compatible. He's a big golfer and as I'm learning golf and alcohol consumption go hand in hand. He was drinking mimosas when I arrived at his club Sunday morning and it went downhill from there. Not my cup of tea. 

I did meet one person for coffee this morning. He's a little older than my upper range but he checks off everything on the list. Bonus: he's very attractive. He asked me to a local outdoor concert Friday night. He's a little too perfect but I'm sure the "aha" moment will be coming soon. You know, that moment where you're like "I knew you were too good to be true". 😑


----------



## Elizabeth001

Lila said:


> Lol. Nothing fabulous to report other than I shut down Tinder. It's overwhelming me and I just don't have the patience for it.
> 
> Casual dating guy was loads of fun. The band we went to see wasn't very good so I suggested we go to the karaoke bar next door. We got a private karaoke room and proceeded to belt out our favorites (poorly I might add) for 2 hours. I had a great time and he's already planning our next adventure. I don't see this turning into anything more than occasional fun nights out which is fine by me.
> 
> Golf guy (GG) and I are definitely not compatible. He's a big golfer and as I'm learning golf and alcohol consumption go hand in hand. He was drinking mimosas when I arrived at his club Sunday morning and it went downhill from there. Not my cup of tea.
> 
> I did meet one person for coffee this morning. He's a little older than my upper range but he checks off everything on the list. Bonus: he's very attractive. He asked me to a local outdoor concert Friday night. He's a little too perfect but I'm sure the "aha" moment will be coming soon. You know, that moment where you're like "I knew you were too good to be true".


Ow gawd...that made me tired just reading it. I don’t know how you do it. 

BAH! I’m going to bed.

PS: With the dogs. lol 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Lila

Elizabeth001 said:


> Ow gawd...that made me tired just reading it. I don’t know how you do it.
> 
> BAH! I’m going to bed.
> 
> PS: With the dogs. lol
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Haha, I can go hard for short periods of time. 

Now that I shut down my profile, I'm going back to hermit mode until the fall. Just long enough to forget how much time and energy it takes and how little patience I have for it.


----------



## heartsbeating

I like the sounds of casual dating guy and glad you had karaoke fun together!

And I also like that you’re proceeding with caution of potentially too good to be true attractive guy.

Karaoke dude gets my vote so far 😛


----------



## ccpowerslave

I like the drunk golfing guy. 

The last time I was at a course I ended up getting drunk and using the restroom in the clubhouse. There was nobody in there and maybe 6 urinals and a guy comes in and goes right next to me and peers over the divider and checks out my junk. I looked at him and was like seriously dude? He left. That was not a date.

On second thought maybe not drunk golfing guy...


----------



## Elizabeth001

Lila said:


> Haha, I can go hard for short periods of time.
> 
> Now that I shut down my profile, I'm going back to hermit mode until the fall. Just long enough to forget how much time and energy it takes and how little patience I have for it.


Yaaa...I’m super close to calling it too. Just disgusted with their opinion of my “matches” and no messages beyond “hey beautiful”. Just something else to clear notifications from at this point. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## heartsbeating

And here’s why karaoke dude gets my vote so far, based purely on the snippet shared. Correct me if I’m wrong with this perception @Lila …and it’s that he was adaptable to plans changing (leaving the gig to go to your suggested karaoke), that he participated and engaged for 2hours of ‘bad’ singing which translates to that he doesn’t take himself too seriously and was up for being playful with you. Plus you had ‘loads of fun’ AND he’s lining up a next time. A guy that is making a plan to see you next, is playful, fun, adaptable, a bit spontaneous and willing to be goofy and not take himself (or you) too seriously or self-consciously gets my initial vote. Now if only we knew how good his breakfast cooking skills are.


----------



## QuietRiot

ccpowerslave said:


> I like the drunk golfing guy.
> 
> The last time I was at a course I ended up getting drunk and using the restroom in the clubhouse. There was nobody in there and maybe 6 urinals and a guy comes in and goes right next to me and peers over the divider and checks out my junk. I looked at him and was like seriously dude? He left. That was not a date.
> 
> On second thought maybe not drunk golfing guy...


Maybe you met her date? 😂


----------



## TXTrini

heartsbeating said:


> And here’s why karaoke dude gets my vote so far, based purely on the snippet shared. Correct me if I’m wrong with this perception @Lila …and it’s that he was adaptable to plans changing (leaving the gig to go to your suggested karaoke), that he participated and engaged for 2hours of ‘bad’ singing which translates to that he doesn’t take himself too seriously and was up for being playful with you. Plus you had ‘loads of fun’ AND he’s lining up a next time. A guy that is making a plan to see you next, is playful, fun, adaptable, a bit spontaneous and willing to be goofy and not take himself (or you) too seriously or self-consciously gets my initial vote. *Now if only we knew how good his breakfast cooking skills are.*


^^ is that what you kids are calling it now? 

I gotta agree! Who doesn't love someone who doesn't get fazed and not only adapts but has fun with it?


----------



## heartsbeating

TXTrini said:


> ^^ is that what you kids are calling it now?
> 
> I gotta agree! Who doesn't love someone who doesn't get fazed and not only adapts but has fun with it?


LOL! I was going for a naughty yet dignified way of putting it. haha.

But yeah, how are his scrambled eggs and coffee? No euphemism intended with that question.


----------



## TXTrini

heartsbeating said:


> LOL! I was going for a naughty yet dignified way of putting it. haha.
> 
> But yeah, how are his scrambled eggs and coffee? No euphemism intended with that question.


You mean his sausage and eggs, right?


----------



## heartsbeating

TXTrini said:


> You mean his sausage and eggs, right?


 ....!!!!


----------



## heartsbeating

@TXTrini and @Lila


----------



## Andy1001

heartsbeating said:


> @TXTrini and @Lila


I knew that eventually Prince would make an appearance. 😆
Did you ever get to see him live?


----------



## Lila

heartsbeating said:


> And here’s why karaoke dude gets my vote so far, based purely on the snippet shared. Correct me if I’m wrong with this perception @Lila …and it’s that he was adaptable to plans changing (leaving the gig to go to your suggested karaoke), that he participated and engaged for 2hours of ‘bad’ singing which translates to that he doesn’t take himself too seriously and was up for being playful with you. Plus you had ‘loads of fun’ AND he’s lining up a next time. A guy that is making a plan to see you next, is playful, fun, adaptable, a bit spontaneous and willing to be goofy and not take himself (or you) too seriously or self-consciously gets my initial vote. Now if only we knew how good his breakfast cooking skills are.


You nail it @heartsbeating . This is exactly why I like causal guy so much. He's not the most physically attractive guy (not by a long shot) but he IS the most enjoyable company. Last night he messaged me his idea for the next date. It was latin dancing. I asked him if he knew how to dance. He said no but that he would YouTube between now and then. Cracked me up. The bad part is that he's got a construction business that takes him away to the Bahamas up to 3 straight weeks a month. So our next date is for mid month next month. I'm going to call it and say this guy is going to be a good friend to me.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> You nail it @heartsbeating . This is exactly why I like causal guy so much. He's not the most physically attractive guy (not by a long shot) but he IS the most enjoyable company. Last night he messaged me his idea for the next date. It was latin dancing. I asked him if he knew how to dance. He said no but that he would YouTube between now and then. Cracked me up. The bad part is that he's got a construction business that takes him away to the Bahamas up to 3 straight weeks a month. So our next date is for mid month next month. I'm going to call it and say this guy is going to be a good friend to me.


Why is he destined for the friend zone? What do you mean by "casual guy"? Is he only looking for casual relationships? I know some people say that, then can change their tune if things go well. 

Who cares if he's "not the most physically attractive guy"? ****able is good enough when everything else lines up! What could be better than a fun funny guy? And the man is financially stable!


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> Why is he destined for the friend zone? What do you mean by "casual guy"? Is he only looking for casual relationships? I know some people say that, then can change their tune if things go well.
> 
> Who cares if he's "not the most physically attractive guy"? ****able is good enough when everything else lines up! What could be better than a fun funny guy? And the man is financially stable!


I call him "casual guy" because he let me know right out of the gate that he wasn't interested in anything serious. I'm sure a big part of that is that he's gone almost 3 weeks out of every month, and the only reason he has to come back is to run errands, make sure his home is in one piece (his 2 college aged sons live there), and to spend time with the boys. 

The reason I wouldn't consider him anything more than a friend has nothing to do with his physical appearance and everything to do with the fact that he's gone 3 weeks out of the month (and has been doing so since 2019). I don't want a long distance relationship and neither does he. 

He's fun and a great person to go on dates but not relationship material. And I don't sleep with guys outside of exclusivity.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> I call him "casual guy" because he let me know right out of the gate that he wasn't interested in anything serious. I'm sure a big part of that is that he's gone almost 3 weeks out of every month, and the only reason he has to come back is to run errands, make sure his home is in one piece (his 2 college aged sons live there), and to spend time with the boys.
> 
> The reason I wouldn't consider him anything more than a friend has nothing to do with his physical appearance and everything to do with the fact that he's gone 3 weeks out of the month (and has been doing so since 2019). I don't want a long distance relationship and neither does he.
> 
> He's fun and a great person to go on dates but not relationship material. And I don't sleep with guys outside of exclusivity.


Gotcha. That sucks, though. I'm surprised he's not seeing someone there instead, if that's where he spends most of his time. 

I wouldn't want a part time bf either.


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> Gotcha. That sucks, though. I'm surprised he's not seeing someone there instead, if that's where he spends most of his time.
> 
> I wouldn't want a part time bf either.


The women to men ratio on the Abacos these days is 1:10 but with his personality, I wouldn't doubt that he's got someone (s) he's seeing there. I don't really care one way or the other because it's not headed there with me. However, he is a fantastic guy. At least he was honest about everything up front. 

In other news, I'm waiting on Mr. Too Perfect to show me his crazy. Maybe I'm betting paranoid but the last person I met who was too perfect ended up having spent time in jail for getting into a fist fight with his much younger ex wife. He was in the news and everything but I couldn't put 2 and 2 together when we met. I kept telling him I felt like I knew him from somewhere and kept asking questions to figure it out. Lol. Needless to say, he didn't want to see me again after our initial date. I realized who he was when I watched him sign the credit card receipt for lunch. I googled him and voila, pics of him looking like he went a few rounds with Mike Tyson. His ex looked bad but he looked like she got him with the frying pan. I'm kind of anticipating that level of crazy for Mr. Too Perfect. We'll see.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> The women to men ratio on the Abacos these days is 1:10 but with his personality, I wouldn't doubt that he's got someone (s) he's seeing there. I don't really care one way or the other because it's not headed there with me. However, he is a fantastic guy. At least he was honest about everything up front.
> 
> In other news, I'm waiting on Mr. Too Perfect to show me his crazy. Maybe I'm betting paranoid but the last person I met who was too perfect ended up having spent time in jail for getting into a fist fight with his much younger ex wife. He was in the news and everything but I couldn't put 2 and 2 together when we met. I kept telling him I felt like I knew him from somewhere and kept asking questions to figure it out. Lol. Needless to say, he didn't want to see me again after our initial date. I realized who he was when I watched him sign the credit card receipt for lunch. I googled him and voila, pics of him looking like he went a few rounds with Mike Tyson. His ex looked bad but he looked like she got him with the frying pan. I'm kind of anticipating that level of crazy for Mr. Too Perfect. We'll see.


I lived in Nassau for 2 years, never visited the other islands though, so don't know the male:female ratio. I was wary of the men though, Caribbean men are way too comfortable with "outside women " and families for my liking. Plus I was seeing my ex LD, so didn't accept dates. 

I don't think you're paranoid, when you're past a certain age, the rose colored scales fall off. Everyone is crazy, we're just looking for complementary crazy, right? I see things I don't like with my bf, but its not a problem at the moment, bc we're not living together, maybe it will be, maybe we'll compromise. I'm sure there's stuff he doesn't like. I think looking for perfection is a colossal waste of time , pity people take so long to drop their masks, eh? It would make compatability much easier to assess. 

OMG  I'd have died laughing, what a nutjob! I don't suppose you're in a sharing mood? I'm insanely curious


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> I lived in Nassau for 2 years, never visited the other islands though, so don't know the male:female ratio. I was wary of the men though, Caribbean men are way too comfortable with "outside women " and families for my liking. Plus I was seeing my ex LD, so didn't accept dates.
> 
> I don't think you're paranoid, when you're past a certain age, the rose colored scales fall off. Everyone is crazy, we're just looking for complementary crazy, right? I see things I don't like with my bf, but its not a problem at the moment, bc we're not living together, maybe it will be, maybe we'll compromise. I'm sure there's stuff he doesn't like. I think looking for perfection is a colossal waste of time , pity people take so long to drop their masks, eh? It would make compatability much easier to assess.
> 
> OMG  I'd have died laughing, what a nutjob! I don't suppose you're in a sharing mood? I'm insanely curious


Casual guy is a big ol' white country boy but I'm sure he fits into Bahamian life like a glove. He's super laid back and one of those "happy to help" kind of guys. He's probably rocking it in the Bahamas. To hear him tell it, the hurricane demolished the Abacos. Multi million dollar homes and businesses were razed to the ground. There are more American construction workers there than bahamians. That's why there's a 10:1 ratio of men to women. 

And I agree on Rose colored glasses coming off. I have lived long enough to understand that everyone is crazy and to boot, many of us have to carry the baggage we acquired from someone else's crazy. I think OLD would be more successful if instead of describing our wonderfully made up qualities, we described our crazy. Get the ugly stuff out of the way so that we can them focus on the good. Wishful thinking. 

Let me look through my phone and see if I kept "do I know you"'s name. 

Like I said in the worst dating stories thread. 
I haven't had "bad" dates but there have been some unique men


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> Casual guy is a big ol' white country boy but I'm sure he fits into Bahamian life like a glove. He's super laid back and one of those "happy to help" kind of guys. He's probably rocking it in the Bahamas. To hear him tell it, the hurricane demolished the Abacos. Multi million dollar homes and businesses were razed to the ground. There are more American construction workers there than bahamians. That's why there's a 10:1 ratio of men to women.
> 
> And I agree on Rose colored glasses coming off. I have lived long enough to understand that everyone is crazy and to boot, many of us have to carry the baggage we acquired from someone else's crazy. I think OLD would be more successful if instead of describing our wonderfully made up qualities, we described our crazy. Get the ugly stuff out of the way so that we can them focus on the good. Wishful thinking.
> 
> Let me look through my phone and see if I kept "do I know you"'s name.
> 
> Like I said in the worst dating stories thread.
> I haven't had "bad" dates but there have been some unique men


He sounds nice, but not nice enough to settle down. Who knows, maybe he has single friends who are looking for a special someone, maybe _his _circumstances change.

Girl, I showed my dude the ugly stuff off the bat, b/c I need to relax and not be freaking anxious all the time. I've seen his ugly too, and so far, it's manageable. I definitely have some issues and commitments I'm not willing to compromise on that would put many men off, so I try to be open-minded, you know?

I couldn't contribute to that thread, b/c technically I haven't had a bad date, the shenanigans went down after. Why is it so hard though? Do we really care _that _much about being seen to be "together" and as virtuous as we can manage? I thought about it a lot when I had to figure out how to broach my limitations. 

Honestly, I'm not sure what I want, or how to recognize that. The way my marriage ended makes marriage (or even cohabitation) looks like a terrible idea to try again. At the same time, does that mean every relationship will come with a time limit? How do people figure anything out anymore? Was it always this way?


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> Girl, I showed my dude the ugly stuff off the bat, b/c I need to relax and not be freaking anxious all the time. I've seen his ugly too, and so far, it's manageable. I definitely have some issues and commitments I'm not willing to compromise on that would put many men off, so I try to be open-minded, you know?
> 
> I couldn't contribute to that thread, b/c technically I haven't had a bad date, the shenanigans went down after. Why is it so hard though? Do we really care _that _much about being seen to be "together" and as virtuous as we can manage? I thought about it a lot when I had to figure out how to broach my limitations.
> 
> Honestly, I'm not sure what I want, or how to recognize that. The way my marriage ended makes marriage (or even cohabitation) looks like a terrible idea to try again. At the same time, does that mean every relationship will come with a time limit? How do people figure anything out anymore? Was it always this way?


I can't answer any of it either. I have no clue how people figure things out anymore. 

I will say this, I did figure out that the kind of person I want in my life is rare, not because I'm looking for someone who looks like Brad Pitt or has money coming out of the wazzooo, but because he can't be weak (emotionally, mentally, temperament, personality) and he can't be stupid by my definition (bad decision maker/intentionally bad life choices/can't take responsibility for the consequences from the choices they make). I'm not sure if it was always like this. I only date men and was with my ex a long time. Based on my experience, I'm not sure if this is a modern problem or not.


----------



## Tasorundo

@Lila I can vouch for the destruction in the Abacos. I spent a week in Marsh Harbor 2 years ago helping some friends rebuild their families houses.

This is a picture from the roof of a house we were roofing, of the formerly two story home that my friend grew up in:


----------



## Lila

Tasorundo said:


> @Lila I can vouch for the destruction in the Abacos. I spent a week in Marsh Harbor 2 years ago helping some friends rebuild their families houses.
> 
> This is a picture from the roof of a house we were roofing, of the formerly two story home that my friend grew up in:
> View attachment 75712


Thankfully your friends were hillside. I heard some areas literally sunk into the ocean. 

On a different note... Was that pic taken with a camera or phone? It's so crisp.


----------



## Tasorundo

If you ever wondered what the best kind of roofing for storm sturdiness, the house towards the beach on the left that is all white has something called 'Bermuda roofing'. All of the houses with that still had roofs, everything else was gone.

Their family owns all of the land in that picture and the only gas station on the island. The family has lived there since some of them fled to the Bahamas in revolutionary war times. That house missing the second story was built by hand like 60 years ago, all of the wood is redwood from California which is now priceless since you cannot cut them down.

The pic was taken with an iphone X


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> I can't answer any of it either. I have no clue how people figure things out anymore.
> 
> I will say this, I did figure out that the kind of person I want in my life is rare, not because I'm looking for someone who looks like Brad Pitt or has money coming out of the wazzooo, but because he can't be weak (emotionally, mentally, temperament, personality) and he can't be stupid by my definition (bad decision maker/intentionally bad life choices/can't take responsibility for the consequences from the choices they make). I'm not sure if it was always like this. I only date men and was with my ex a long time. Based on my experience, I'm not sure if this is a modern problem or not.


Ha, you sound like my mom. She decided to stay single and not bother with men after a brief foray into dating years after her divorce. She says she can't respect a man who's not at least as emotionally strong, or competent. I completely understand that line of thinking, that's the kind of man I was looking for and thought I had until my ex's mask lapsed and the lies unraveled. 

Most of my observations are from other people's relationships, (I was with my ex for 20 yrs, so also have limited experience) but it seems to be a growing problem. Men don't know what to "be" anymore, sex is super easy, so no need to strive for personal improvement to get laid, while women have more choices than they ever had and have developed higher standards. 

I think if that man exists, he's already married or decided marriage isn't worth it. Heck, I've been thinking increasingly I will probably have to compartmentalize what I want, b/c there's no having it all. I love my bf, and we have a good thing going, right now, but I don't know how that changes when I transition into my field of study. I can't be the supportive team-player partner I was before, I sacrificed too much of myself to do that and got kicked in the ass for it. I always knew if I went the career route, that would take precedence, and that's about to be unleashed. 

Maybe we're transitioning into a future of temporary relationships where marriage for life is obsolete to account for people growing past each other or apart. That makes me really sad.


----------



## Enigma32

Lila said:


> I can't answer any of it either. I have no clue how people figure things out anymore.
> 
> I will say this, I did figure out that the kind of person I want in my life is rare, not because I'm looking for someone who looks like Brad Pitt or has money coming out of the wazzooo, but because he can't be weak (emotionally, mentally, temperament, personality) and he can't be stupid by my definition (bad decision maker/intentionally bad life choices/can't take responsibility for the consequences from the choices they make). I'm not sure if it was always like this. I only date men and was with my ex a long time. Based on my experience, I'm not sure if this is a modern problem or not.


This is a modern problem because men are being lied to and told they shouldn't be men, that masculinity is toxic. Young men aren't taught to be strong anymore, they are taught to be weak and all of their problems are the fault of another.


----------



## Lila

Enigma32 said:


> This is a modern problem because men are being lied to and told they shouldn't be men, that masculinity is toxic. Young men aren't taught to be strong anymore, they are taught to be weak and all of their problems are the fault of another.


But the men I'm seeing exhibit this behavior are far and away from the generation of "toxic masculinity". These guys are mid 40s to mid 50s. Men who grew up in the 1970s and 1980s not 2010s.


----------



## Enigma32

Lila said:


> But the men I'm seeing exhibit this behavior are far and away from the generation of "toxic masculinity". These guys are mid 40s to mid 50s. Men who grew up in the 1970s and 1980s not 2010s.


If you ask my dad, this stuff has been going on for a while. He swears everyone has been getting weak since after WW2. The old, easy times create weak men argument. Maybe we have been when compared to his generation. He's 75 and still works a physical job every day. 

I also think that as we get older, we kinda end up dating the people that are the leftovers that no one else really wanted. The amount of single, decent, dateable women in my age bracket (I'm 42) around here is astoundingly low. Judging from what my single female friends tell me of the men the meet, the men aren't any better. 

I also think our culture in general has become a rather toxic environment for anyone to try and have a serious, long term comittment.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

Are we/were we not leftovers too?

I think it's all about how we are warmed up!


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

I know when I hear the phrase "modern problem" I feel the urge to make a face (perhaps I do and I am just now aware!)... I believe the problems are the same and it is just the packing around them that looks different although it is anything but. Kind of like baggage, the outside is just a container for all the things you have transformed on the inside.

My good baggage is who I am today, displacing my "old" baggage.

Early in our dating (AC), I went through a window of understanding beyond anything I expected to experience by myself, let alone with someone close. When we come close to our fears there can be incredible sadness, almost overwhelming at times, as the truth surfaces in all that it is. As I realized how raw some of the hurt and disappointment had been (and in many ways my spirituality had prepared me for exposing it), I wondered if where I was would be "accepted" by her, where would it leave our friendship as I let go of trying to see the "why's" and just accepted that at times we are no longer of value to someone.

It wasn't so much as losing someone you once cared about, even healthy conditional and unconditional love itself can be a tempermental emotion in strained conditions, it was understanding how truly temporary people can value another and the hard change between being loved, and being discarded.

We try so hard to see between the actions and words because we want happiness (say the color white) and sidestep the truth of unhappiness (say the color black)... there are honestly times when we should be unhappy with something or someone and it is in our healthy boundaries to say "whoa, this isn't right" through the grey where it takes time to refocus because what is healthy/unhealthy gets blurry (also called "rose-colored"). Sometimes there are clear truths, but even the noble ones are driven into grey at times through the cause and effect of desires.

"Blurry" can happen any time though... not just beginning or end. This is where we have to take the time to ask "am I seeing what is really there, or what I want to see?". I remember telling AC in the beginning, "if my actions do not match my words, I am not the man for you" and I meant it as I was not going to live another relationship on the defensive nor would I ever put her through that. Neither of us is perfect, but we have the scars of imperfections that have healed honorably and we appreciate them in truth, kindness, and necessity. Sometimes a scar gets rubbed on a little too hard, often of our own misunderstandings because we forget to love ourselves as the other loves us but in the end, we are there for another without question.

if you are not in a safe place to be you, if growth and change are locked in dependencies, if you are not connecting lightheartedly the majority of the time, if you worry more about the connections than enjoying them... take the time to see why because the time to be aware is always called "the present".

The truth in how we love and are loved is never meant to be rushed, but it is meant to have clarity.

Clarity is a wonderful boundary.

In clarity, I think you may answer many of your own chemistry questions.


----------



## TXTrini

Emerging Buddhist said:


> I know when I hear the phrase "modern problem" I feel the urge to make a face (perhaps I do and I am just now aware!)... I believe the problems are the same and it is just the packing around them that looks different although it is anything but. Kind of like baggage, the outside is just a container for all the things you have transformed on the inside.
> 
> My good baggage is who I am today, displacing my "old" baggage.
> 
> Early in our dating (AC), I went through a window of understanding beyond anything I expected to experience by myself, let alone with someone close. When we come close to our fears there can be incredible sadness, almost overwhelming at times, as the truth surfaces in all that it is. As I realized how raw some of the hurt and disappointment had been (and in many ways my spirituality had prepared me for exposing it), I wondered if where I was would be "accepted" by her, where would it leave our friendship as I let go of trying to see the "why's" and just accepted that at times we no longer of value to someone.
> 
> It wasn't so much as losing someone you once cared about, even healthy conditional and unconditional love itself can be a tempermental emotion in strained conditions, it was understanding how truly temporary people can value another and the hard change between being loved, and being discarded.
> 
> We try so hard to see between the actions and words because we want happiness (say the color white) and sidestep the truth of unhappiness (say the color black)... there are honestly times when we should be unhappy with something or someone and it is in our healthy boundaries to say "whoa, this isn't right" through the grey where it takes time to refocus because what is healthy/unhealthy gets blurry (also called "rose-colored"). Sometimes there are clear truths, but even the noble ones are driven into grey at times through the cause and effect of desires.
> 
> "Blurry" can happen any time though... not just beginning or end. This is where we have to take the time to ask "am I seeing what is really there, or what I want to see?". I remember telling AC in the beginning, "if my actions do not match my words, I am not the man for you" and I meant it as I was not going to live another relationship on the defensive nor would I ever put her through that. Neither of us is perfect, but we have the scars of imperfections that have healed honorably and we appreciate them in truth, kindness, and necessity. Sometimes a scar gets rubbed on a little too hard, often of our own misunderstandings because we forget to love ourselves as the other loves us but in the end, we are there for another without question.
> 
> if you are not in a safe place to be you, if growth and change are locked in dependencies, if you are not connecting lightheartedly the majority of the time, if you worry more about the connections than enjoying them... take the time to see why because the time to be aware is always called "the present".
> 
> The truth in how we love and are loved is never meant to be rushed, but it is meant to have clarity.
> 
> Clarity is a wonderful boundary.
> 
> In clarity, I think you may answer many of your own chemistry questions.


I needed to hear this today, EB. Thank you.


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> I think if that man exists, he's already married or decided marriage isn't worth it. Heck, I've been thinking increasingly I will probably have to compartmentalize what I want, b/c there's no having it all. I love my bf, and we have a good thing going, right now, but I don't know how that changes when I transition into my field of study. I can't be the supportive team-player partner I was before, I sacrificed too much of myself to do that and got kicked in the ass for it. I always knew if I went the career route, that would take precedence, and that's about to be unleashed.
> 
> Maybe we're transitioning into a future of temporary relationships where marriage for life is obsolete to account for people growing past each other or apart. That makes me really sad


See, in my experience, even married men suffer from the same issues with weakness. Think about it. How many "unhappily married" men have hit you up? I have had my share. I have more respect for the single guy who refuses to get into a relationship but has the strong boundaries and is emotionally strong. 

As to transitioning into temporary relationships, i think I'm already there. On one hand I'd like to invite someone to share in my life but on the other, it's not so bad compartmentalizing my dating life from my "real" life. I don't have one person to share my entire life with but I have many people I can share parts.


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## 3Xnocharm

I wish I had seen this thread sooner!

Going back to the original question regarding chemistry… I have always defined chemistry as a click or a draw. When you meet someone and you have that combination of attraction and the feeling of compatibility, you feel drawn to them, or sometimes you just feel an inner click as it falls into place for you. I do think that in the right circumstance you can develop that feeling through familiarity. Well... Other people can, it hasn’t seemed to work that way for myself. I have been on many first dates where I enjoyed myself.. good conversation, likable guy... but didn’t feel the draw or click, so no second date. There was one guy I went out with and the first date was this way, so I tried a few more dates, hoping that it would develop. No matter how much I liked him, I just did not get that special feeling towards him, which was sad because he was great. 

I also have a type, physically anyway. Unfortunately for me, that physical type usually is packaging for a complete a-hole. Which is super frustrating for me. Now that I finally understand what it is that I actually want in my partner, I am coming to realize that he probably doesn’t exist. If he does exist, he is already married to someone else. Last bf was a total opposite of what I am usually attracted to, so that made me hopeful! I was so excited to be attracted to someone different! He ended up being a loser who didn’t really want me. So swing and a miss. 

Right now I have zero interest in being friends with another man. My last stupid relationship ruined that for me, because he had friend zoned me for so long that now just being friends with a guy feels like a ridiculous waste of time. It’s not what I want. Yes it would get me out and give me something to do, but I just don’t want it. I don’t want FWB, I’m not a casual sex kind of person. (Of course for the last few years I have been a no sex kind of person ) I will not do OLD again either. 

I am enjoying being single and being able to do whatever the hell I want. I’m having a hard time with the idea of someone taking any of my time, so I think it’s going to take a very special person to bring me out of this. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TXTrini

Lila said:


> See, in my experience, even married men suffer from the same issues with weakness. Think about it. How many "unhappily married" men have hit you up? I have had my share. I have more respect for the single guy who refuses to get into a relationship but has the strong boundaries and is emotionally strong.
> 
> As to transitioning into temporary relationships, i think I'm already there. On one hand I'd like to invite someone to share in my life but on the other, it's not so bad compartmentalizing my dating life from my "real" life. I don't have one person to share my entire life with but I have many people I can share parts.


Unhappily married men who tried that sob story BS got nothing but disgust from me. I don't know why they think whining about your wife having your balls (when they're supposedly trapped) is attractive. Blegh. I didn't come across any in my short OLD stint, thankfully. 

At least you have a wonderful support system from the sounds of it, and people who truly care about you. Maybe the answer really is living in the moment, but man it's hard to figure out what that looks like every day.I know when I allowed myself to be limited by fear of change, I couldn't see a way forward. Maybe it's hard to recognize the right person when you aren't completely open to possibility. Maybe I'm just full of


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## Lila

Update on "Mr. Too Perfect". Went to an outdoor concert on Friday that a nearby Town puts on every year to kick off the summer. It was my idea but he was on board. This is a fun event that draws quite a large crowd with fantastic live music and a great ambiance. I thought he would enjoy it. I was wrong. 

He complained about the heat, crowd, music, food options, drink options, parking, walking, and sitting in lawn chairs. When he complained about me dancing, I was done. Thankfully I didn't have to end it abruptly, the weather did it for me. Skies opened up and a deluge of rain came down about an hour into it. Strangely enough, he wanted to wait it out and finish the concert. I then complained about the rain just to round out the evening 🤣. 

Good news though. I went to a different outdoor concert with friends last night and met a man. Yeay! We'll see where that goes.


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## TXTrini

Lila said:


> Update on "Mr. Too Perfect". Went to an outdoor concert on Friday that a nearby Town puts on every year to kick off the summer. It was my idea but he was on board. This is a fun event that draws quite a large crowd with fantastic live music and a great ambiance. I thought he would enjoy it. I was wrong.
> 
> He complained about the heat, crowd, music, food options, drink options, parking, walking, and sitting in lawn chairs. When he complained about me dancing, I was done. Thankfully I didn't have to end it abruptly, the weather did it for me. Skies opened up and a deluge of rain came down about an hour into it. Strangely enough, he wanted to wait it out and finish the concert. I then complained about the rain just to round out the evening 🤣.
> 
> Good news though. I went to a different outdoor concert with friends last night and met a man. Yeay! We'll see where that goes.


OMG , that would have annoyed me. Can you imagine 6 months down the line


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## ccpowerslave

I love the summer concert series things the towns put on. Live music is awesome I am really enjoying having it back even the lounge players.


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## Lila

TXTrini said:


> OMG , that would have annoyed me. Can you imagine 6 months down the line


He was so annoying!!! I felt the pain of every guy who has had to deal with prissy women. 


During the concert, the music was so loud that he had to lean in to get heard. I just started avoiding his "lean-ins" after a while. Enter the dancing and not just any kind of dancing. It was jazz ARMs. Great way to avoid "lean-ins".


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## TXTrini

Lila said:


> He was so annoying!!! I felt the pain of every guy who has had to deal with prissy women.
> 
> 
> During the concert, the music was so loud that he had to lean in to get heard. I just started avoiding his "lean-ins" after a while. Enter the dancing and not just any kind of dancing. It was jazz ARMs. Great way to avoid "lean-ins".


Yeah, some women are so damned negative! I really hate to constantly hear complaints, especially from people who won't change anything about the situation or can't do one ass. Ahem, my ex mil.


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## Andy1001

Lila said:


> He was so annoying!!! I felt the pain of every guy who has had to deal with prissy women.
> 
> 
> During the concert, the music was so loud that he had to lean in to get heard. I just started avoiding his "lean-ins" after a while. Enter the dancing and not just any kind of dancing. It was jazz ARMs. Great way to avoid "lean-ins".


He was starting to relax in your company and felt comfortable enough to show his true self.
I hesitate to offer anyone dating advice but I would recommend that you don’t put too much emphasis on how guys behave at the very beginning of any relationship/friendship. They are trying to impress and are on their best behavior.
Also I know you said that you weren’t interested in anything romantic but there’s no doubt in my mind that this guy has lots of other casual “relationships” in his life.


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## Lila

Andy1001 said:


> He was starting to relax in your company and felt comfortable enough to show his true self.
> I hesitate to offer anyone dating advice but I would recommend that you don’t put too much emphasis on how guys behave at the very beginning of any relationship/friendship. They are trying to impress and are on their best behavior.
> Also I know you said that you weren’t interested in anything romantic but there’s no doubt in my mind that this guy has lots of other casual “relationships” in his life.



Agreed. I called him "Mr Too Perfect" for s reason. He said the perfect things. Had the perfect life. Maintained himself too good. I knew the other shoe would drop eventually. Glad it happened sooner rather than later. 

If he does have lots of other casual relationships, i would like to give them a high five for putting up with that. More power to them. I am not like that.


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## Sue4473

Lila said:


> Agreed. I called him "Mr Too Perfect" for s reason. He said the perfect things. Had the perfect life. Maintained himself too good. I knew the other shoe would drop eventually. Glad it happened sooner rather than later.
> 
> If he does have lots of other casual relationships, i would like to give them a high five for putting up with that. More power to them. I am not like that.


Is this the casual guy?


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## Lila

Sue4473 said:


> Is this the casual guy?


No. Casual guy is back in the Bahamas. 

This is Mr. Too Perfect. Different guy all together.


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## Sue4473

Lila said:


> No. Casual guy is back in the Bahamas.
> 
> This is Mr. Too Perfect. Different guy all together.


Oh that’s right. 🤦🏻‍♀️


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## ccpowerslave

Great names for these suitors.


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## Lila

ccpowerslave said:


> Great names for these suitors.


I have talked about some others here including

Big Country (may he rest in peace)
Alma Mater
Octopus Hand Man
Young and Hot

It's hard to come up with an alt when I'm posting about them.


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## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> Good news though. I went to a different outdoor concert with friends last night and met a man. Yeay! We'll see where that goes.


Waaayyy-haaayyy!


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## heartsbeating

heartsbeating said:


> Waaayyy-haaayyy!


Maybe this one can be 'Mr Outdoor Concert'


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## heartsbeating

I meant to quote you again @Lila ...not myself!


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## Lila

heartsbeating said:


> Maybe this one can be 'Mr Outdoor Concert'


🤣🤣🤣. My girlfriends beat you to it. He's Silver Fox.


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## Lila

I feel like that song "another one bites the dust". Silver Fox is actually (much) younger than he looks. He started going prematurely grey and the beard makes him look older. Age isn't a problem but he's looking to settle down and have kids. 🤯

The good news is that he's a totally cool guy and he was shocked when I told him my age (bonus points for him). He happens to live in the townhouse neighborhood next to my house and wants to stay friends. I'd like to introduce him to one of the younger women in my women's group. I think she'd be a great fit for him. She's cute, stable, and wants to have kids. I'm going to invite both of them to join me and my concert friends to the next summer concert in my town. Maybe they'll be a match ☺.


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## ccpowerslave

That is a great song!


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## Lila

ccpowerslave said:


> That is a great song!


I prefer if it was "Someone to Love".


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## ccpowerslave

Lila said:


> I prefer if it was "Someone to Love".


I don’t know that one. Sad!!! Now I need to look it up. I love those funk sounding chords on “Another One Bites the Dust”. I saw Queen live with Adam Lambert at the SAP center in San Jose and they played it.


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## Lila

ccpowerslave said:


> I don’t know that one. Sad!!! Now I need to look it up. I love those funk sounding chords on “Another One Bites the Dust”. I saw Queen live with Adam Lambert at the SAP center in San Jose and they played it.


You have to know Someone to Love by Queen. It was one of their biggest hits. 

Werw they good with Adam Lambert?


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## ccpowerslave

Lila said:


> You have to know Someone to Love by Queen. It was one of their biggest hits.
> 
> Werw they good with Adam Lambert?


Yeah the show was good. I know the songs that metal bands cover or that have famous guitar solos.

My wife is a big Adam Lambert fan. It’s not a hard sell to get me to see live music so I went despite limited Queen knowledge. 

We watched that season of American Idol and probably went to the tour when it came through. I think I have also seen David Cook who was the winner one season and also Daughtry a couple times. She likes the alt rock maybe Sirius XM Octane but dialed back a bit like Breaking Benjamin so I can go to unlimited shows with her along those lines.

The guitar solo was terrible. Despite being a guitar player myself and really liking guitar music I generally hate solo guitar outside of a song unless it’s jazz and I think Brian May played for like 10 minutes or something.


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## heartsbeating

c'mon @ccpowerslave ...it was used in Happy Feet


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## ccpowerslave

heartsbeating said:


> c'mon @ccpowerslave ...it was used in Happy Feet


Happy Feet is that one of those cartoon films?


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## heartsbeating

ccpowerslave said:


> Happy Feet is that one of those cartoon films?


Quit playing!


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## ccpowerslave

Ok this is bad listening to the actual live track my first instinct is to sub out all the chords and turn it into a jazz standard.

Edit: Holy... when people did this it is terrible. I still have hope for my A Ha “Take on Me” arrangement for solo guitar I have been working on but it needs work. I should have went to GIT when I graduated it would have made projects like this easier.


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