# SELF AWARENESS ...a stepping stone in transforming our Marriages/ relationships...



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Self-Awareness* .... is the capacity for introspection and the ability to recognize oneself as an individual separate from the environment and other individuals....to perceive and understand one's existence or existential being, including personal characteristics, emotions, and behaviour.".
The Importance of Self-Awareness  ..... Better Relationships through Self-Awareness



> No one is perfect. We all have our “quirks” and unique personalities, and sometimes these can even make us cute, special or endearing to many. However, some “quirks” are a bit less attractive, and when they are, *self-awareness *is somewhat critical in either improving upon them or managing their impact on others.
> 
> That said, many people aren’t self-aware or aren’t self-aware ALL of the time. Maybe it is someone at the gym who thinks that all of the equipment is his or her very own and doesn’t like to share. Or, maybe it is a family member who believes that they are always right and that the rest of the world is wrong. Or, maybe you work with a colleague who just doesn’t have any sense of how they bully others. Some of these people can produce continual toxicity in our lives, while others may cause only a momentary frustration. Whoever or whatever the case may be, these people are among us.
> 
> ...


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Know thyself.

Inscribed, I believe, by the ancients on the Temples at Luxor and Delphi. So people have known for a long time how important self knowledge/awareness is. But it is so difficult really to know yourself.

Montaigne had a related motto - Que sais-je? - what do I know? and looked inside himself for the answers. Not sure he found many, being of a naturally sceptical bent.

So SA - join the long list! Thank you!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SA,

Very good thread. I have recently been reading a book called Modern Bushido ( Living A Life of Excellence ). Not for everyone. However at it's core it is about self reflection.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

tryingtobebetter said:


> *Know thyself.*
> 
> Inscribed, I believe, by the ancients on the Temples at Luxor and Delphi. So people have known for a long time how important self knowledge/awareness is. *But it is so difficult really to know yourself.*


But is it REALLY that difficult or we just don't like what we SEE...if we dare peer....so we choose to push it away.... instead of dealing with our own imperfections ....that state of RAW introspective honesty about ourselves can be damning after all... DARK... unbecoming....meaning we might have to change/ apologize for our behavior.......this is by far the more difficult path...and it takes "vulnerability" and "humility" to boot.

I could name every UGLY flaw I have in a heartbeat...being Secondary Melancholy I am naturally introspective... I also have a tendency to judge others... so without practicing Self Awareness ...I could be quite the OGRE....

My  can be EVIL at times ...yet I have no peace if I continue in such a mindset in dealing with others... I can't even rest until I attempt to make it RIGHT...this could be a pain up the butt at times but yet... I see this as a GOOD THING... I feel it saves me.... I will go out of my way to bring some sort of Peace / seeking for understanding ... if such a person matters to me....

We just all need to hold on to who we are...when we do this....to not be swayed by popular opinion/ cunning manipulation / peer pressure.... or to become Co-dependent/ a doormat... or a Steamroller on the other hand...

It is the placing of oneself in another's shoes....what if we had their upbringing, been treated as they...How might WE feel? 

Empathy is a beautiful thing. 

But to balance even this....one needs a good dose of SELF COMPASSION as the dark side could bring you down, some are too hard on themselves & get stuck... also not good... we all have our weaknesses....none are immune. 

Test here >> Test how self-compassionate you are

Self-Compassion: Books




> *Entropy3000 said*: SA,
> 
> Very good thread. I have recently been reading a book called Modern Bushido ( Living A Life of Excellence ). Not for everyone. However at it's core it is about self reflection.


Yes, I've seen you mention this a # of times on the threads... sounds like a worthwhile book of excellence ...I looked it up >> 

Modern Bushido: Living a Life of Excellence: Books

Another really helpful article >> How to Be More Self-Aware - Understanding Yourself


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> But is it REALLY that difficult or we just don't like what we SEE...if we dare peer....so we choose to push it away.... instead of dealing with our own imperfections ....that state of RAW introspective honesty about ourselves can be damning after all... DARK... unbecoming....meaning we might have to change/ apologize for our behavior.......this is by far the more difficult path...and it takes "vulnerability" and "humility" to boot.
> 
> I could name every UGLY flaw I have in a heartbeat...being Secondary Melancholy I am naturally introspective... I also have a tendency to judge others... so without practicing Self Awareness ...I could be quite the OGRE....
> 
> ...


Well in your case, SA, I am wondering whether you are as aware of your good qualities as you should be.

Taking matters on further, I think it is one thing to have an awareness of one's basic characteristics as a person (which hopefully comes with time), but I think you could spend forever analysing the minutiae of behaviour, why I chose one word rather than another, did something one way rather than another. For example, I often, just before I do or say something, tell myself that I will not do or say that thing. Then I do/say it. I ask myself why do I do this? It is a mental quirk I have only fairly recently observed in myself. Is that because it has always been there and I have only just noticed? Or is it something I have only recently developed? If I try to ransack my memory, will I genuinely remember how I behaved ten years ago? Or reconstruct a past that suits me now?

Happily I do not spend a lot of time thinking about things in this detail. 

But enough about me.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Great posts, SA!

Being self-aware applies to sexuality, too. 

It is surprising how few people really know themselves sexually.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

tryingtobebetter said:


> Taking matters on further, I think it is one thing to have an awareness of one's basic characteristics as a person (which hopefully comes with time), *but I think you could spend forever analysing the minutiae of behaviour*, why I chose one word rather than another, did something one way rather than another.


 I don't get that bogged down... I realize people express themselves very differently, some are naturally BRASH...some are subtle....to take each's temperaments into consideration when we are dealing with others.... along with the situation at hand, what is happening in their lives..the stress factor ...this is an absolute MUST....

And also HOW WE TALK TO THEM (considering these things as well)...as we don't want to be misunderstood either, rubbing them the wrong way. 



> For example, I often, just before I do or say something, tell myself that I will not do or say that thing. Then I do/say it. I ask myself why do I do this? It is a mental quirk I have only fairly recently observed in myself.* Is that because it has always been there and I have only just noticed? Or is it something I have only recently developed?* If I try to ransack my memory, will I genuinely remember how I behaved ten years ago? *Or reconstruct a past that suits me now?*


 Interesting question....I'd say to ask the person you are unleashing on ....IF you have done that same behavior all of these 10 years....Assuming this is something hurtful you DON'T want to say.... (or has the potential to maime another )... but find yourself slipping anyway (in frustration likely )... I've been there ...we tend to hurt those who are the closest to us.... 

I DO feel people RE-write their history and cloud it to suit their own objectives or in defense as to not absorb the blame/ what went wrong ... many times in divorce, this is what you will find... or years before the divorce, you couldn't even get one to admit the beginning years were Alive, full of promise & beautiful...but has all been tainted, like someone took a black paintbrush and defaced a portrait.... to blotch every treasured memory that was once upon a time....

I do not understand this personally as I have not experienced it...I assume it is too painful to allow themselves to go back there (feel) then face / realize the descent that has come about.. but I am just guessing...

Being alive unto our emotions , feeling their weight without blinders ....can be a Roller coaster experience I suppose... 

In this book.... Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself from Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life: I've only skimmed a little....When I read this part in chapter 4 ...It resonated with me strongly..


> It's time to discard our culture's testosterone fueled equation of sensitivity with weakness... I've had it with being told to "get a thicker skin" or that I'm overly sensitive.... uninformed remarks that my well meaning parents and perhaps yours, used to spout ... that have been laid to rest long ago. These days, I prize my receptiveness , it gentle sensuality, and will describe ways you can feel *RESILENT* enough to do the same. As a healer and a woman, I want to be penetrable to emotions.
> 
> I have no desire to become calloused, numb, or hermetically sealed to give the frightened part of me the illusion I'm safer. That would be an outright deception, crippling my intuition, eclipsing my romance with life. Of course you don't want to get overloaded. But feeling less isn't the answer...building a solid core and learning to protect you emotional accessibility are.
> 
> ...





> *tryingtobebetter said*: Happily I do not spend a lot of time thinking about things in this detail.


 Well I must admit I am a little ODD in this way, for me.. I thoroughly enjoy the analyzing (you asked if I was aware of my good qualities).. this may be one or those ?? 

As I've always fancied playing  Advocate ...I'd rather watch a good debate over a comedy... tell me how weird I am [email protected]#

My husband's head would probably explode if they dropped my brain into his skull for a day....But hey....it keeps me happy... ticking on TAM even....


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Me, personally, I've had a profound sense of awakening in the past few months. In many ways. I honestly believed, for many years, that I was never going to be fully at peace. 

It keeps me bouncing on my feet, glad to be alive, and I just feel that I understand my purpose for being here. Finally, life makes sense to me. 

The most prominent thoughts I have every morning are the fact that you must be open to being loving in order to feel love. 
And I go to bed at night with a smile... because every night the fear is a little bit less. 

I had such a profound and sudden disconnect from petty judgements. Like a light switch. I was smiling for a long time when it happened. Laughing at how seriously I took opinions and judgements of others. How it weighed me down. How I used it against others. 

I didn't know I could decide what kind of person I was!
All I had was opinions of others, and comparisons to others. 
How do I measure up? It never occurred to me that I could DECIDE to be whatever kind of person I wanted to be! 

I was so consumed in being one way or another to keep my spouse,family,friends happy. Just try A, B, C, ... Z. I'll figure it out. I was plain tired of never succeeding. 

I no longer feel a need to live up to those opinions. I felt free. Free to just be myself, and more importantly to let other people be themselves. Just the truth, please. 

I decided to give up the notion of right and wrong. Because I don't believe in it anymore. There is only my personal boundaries, and those must carefully avoid being judgemental. 

It's all a state of mind society needs to enforce to avoid chaos.
We weren't supposed to take it personally.
We weren't supposed to let it assume our identity.
We weren't supposed to use that as our guide to happiness.

I didn't know. But now I do.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Faithful Wife said:


> Great posts, SA!
> 
> *Being self-aware applies to sexuality, too.*
> 
> It is surprising how few people really know themselves sexually.


....Dare I say...I was a fine example for screwing this one up !......Yeah.... looking over our years....even having kid after kid after kid after kid ... we didn't talk about ....it's a bit of an embarrassment ...though maybe I was somewhat sexually intune...always got my orgasm!! I don't know what I was, still trying to make sense of it all. 

Though I was happy....just wasn't in touch with the "Seductress" inside...I was caged...felt dirty about certain acts....*UN**educated* and *UN**awakened*.

If anything.... there is always







...for emotional self awareness.... and ...well....Sexual self awareness.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

deejov said:


> It keeps me bouncing on my feet, glad to be alive, *and I just feel that I understand my purpose for being here. Finally, life makes sense to me. *
> 
> *The most prominent thoughts I have every morning are the fact that you must be open to being loving in order to feel love.
> And I go to bed at night with a smile... because every night the fear is a little bit less. *


 I like what you say here Deejov .. does sound like a Wall has been knocked down ...you've come into the light......



> I had such a profound and sudden disconnect from petty judgements. Like a light switch. I was smiling for a long time when it happened. *Laughing at how seriously I took opinions and judgements of others. How it weighed me down. How I used it against others.*


 This is very freely...it's easy to allow ourselves to get caught up in this when a word/ opinion JOLTS us...but just take a moment... weigh it... we have to Do and BE for our own lives, not be swayed ... we are who WE are....even if very different from others... we can respect their differences too... be happy for them.... as their way could be GOOD for them ...just as our way IS for us. Just a different course. 



> I didn't know I could decide what kind of person I was!
> All I had was opinions of others, and comparisons to others.
> How do I measure up? *It never occurred to me that I could DECIDE to be whatever kind of person I wanted to be*!


 I think we are all meant to pursue our personal passions, whatever they may be...when we are in our own element.. it brings others towards us...whether that is working with children, flying an airplane, a writer, musician, mechanic... a happy caregiver ...do it with Joy...a song in your soul. 



> I was so consumed in being one way or another *to keep my spouse,family,friends happy.* Just try A, B, C, ... Z. I'll figure it out. I was plain tired of never succeeding.


 Sounds you didn't want to let anyone down... so you sacrificed your own happiness -for others... this can take a toll on anyone... 

Makes me think of this book I read years ago, it gave ME such clarity..... Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life: 



> Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not.
> 
> Boundaries impact all areas of our lives:
> 
> ...





> *Deejov said:* I no longer feel a need to live up to those opinions. I felt free. Free to just be myself, and more importantly to let other people be themselves. Just the truth, please.


 



> I decided to give up the notion of right and wrong. Because I don't believe in it anymore. There is only my personal boundaries, and those must carefully avoid being judgemental.


 I'm sure you still hold on to much Right & wrong....Lying is wrong, stealing, child molestation, hypocrisy etc.... you just mean understanding we are different....like this saying out of a temperament book I have:



> "*Different Drums for Different Drummers*"
> 
> If I do not want what you want, please try not to tell me that my want is wrong.
> 
> ...





> *Deejov said* :It's all a state of mind society needs to enforce to avoid chaos.
> We weren't supposed to take it personally.
> We weren't supposed to let it assume our identity.
> We weren't supposed to use that as our guide to happiness.


Very true .. :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:


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