# to work or not to work...???



## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

little bit of background of why im faced with this option.

my husband and I have been together 3 years - married for 1.5 years. when we got married neither one of us had a job. soon after we got married i scored a job at an insurance company. i was making good money and my hubs was working at a pizza shop. well, 1.5 years later the tables have turned. i was fired from my insurance job at the end of last year and my husband supported us for about 3 months while i looked for a job. we both admit it was a beautiful time for us. i respected him for supporting me, and he appreciated how much work i put into our home. we got along so great. 

i have been working in a bank a year, but its part time. i recently changed banks and took a 10 hour cut to take the new job. i felt no job security at the old bank, so i had to switch; the manager was gathering evidence to fire me. 

so now, i'm at this dumb job for 20 hours a week 5 days a week. i'm the "lunch relief". i work 4 - 5 hours a day... in the middle of the day. i admit when i get off work the last thing i wanna do is come home and clean up after my hubs. i dont wanna cook... dont wanna clean. i just got off work, and when i get home i feel like my whole day is gone. 

and my hubs is an immigrant.. which means nothing except that i'm an american and all i know how to cook is american food. you know.. the staples... speggetti, meat loaf, hambergers, tuna helper. he doesnt eat beef and he doesnt get the concept of any of these american "go-to" dinners. so cooking for him is useless.. he never eats it. i'd have to seriously dedicate some time into learning to cook his dishes. also, the women from his country are all housewives. so he really doesnt have any objection to me staying home. 

any advice? do you value your wives domestic skills more than her career skills? does the level of respect change if you're working or not? do you expect your wives to be wonderwomen and cook, clean, and work? do i just need to step it up and be a better wife?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband works in a pizza shop? Is that really enough to support you both?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You seem to resent cleaning up after your hubs. I can understand that. If he cooks his own food he should clean up as well. Is there any reason why he expects you to do it.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

why are you getting fired from jobs?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> why are you getting fired from jobs?


Indeed. Why??


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And get away from the hamburg stuff - yeah it's easy to cook, but most of those dishes are super high in calories and salt.

I got nothing against beef btw, but it's the 1970's style hamburger dishes that are nasty to the diet.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

If we don't work, we actually become bored at home. At least I am like this. 

If we are good at organizing our time, we can do a lot of things. 

24-8(sleeping time)-5(working time)=11

Of course you still need to spend time here and there, deduct another 3 hours. 

Your still have 8 hours. 

How much time do you to spend on cooking? How much time do you spend on cleaning up the apartment? Are two hours enough? Is one hour enough for grocery shopping? 

Is your job tiring? I understand if your job is tiring and stressful, then you don't have the mood to do anything after work. But then we usually cause our own stress and pressure. 

Spend less time on TV, spend less time on the Internet, spend less time on facebook, spend less time on the phone! 

Taking good care of your husband will make him happy, and you will be happy too. I get the feeling that your husband is a wonderful man.


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Your husband works in a pizza shop? Is that really enough to support you both?



no, he has a great paying job now.. sorry, i forgot to mention that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cory275 said:


> no, he has a great paying job now.. sorry, i forgot to mention that.


I thought this might be the case but wanted to clarify.

Do you enjoy working at a job?

Perhaps you need time to transition from work to home life. A routine when you get home... such as take some time for a bath... make it an invigorating bath with a body scrub... using a brush or textured cloth.

Or go for a walk as soon as you get home. If your hubby could go with you that would be very good.

As for learning to cook. Why not pick just one dish that you both like. And learn to cook that one. Once you have that down. Then add another. Your husband could be your teacher. And maybe you could find dishes that are not from his culture that are good. Take a cooking class together... does not have to be food from his culture, just something different from what you usually cook.


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> why are you getting fired from jobs?



i couldnt really tell you exactly why... when i worked for the insurance company i was working there for 6 months without any problem. i was fully capable of doing the job and i was the best at it on the team. it was data entry for christ sake. it was all about numbers and i was always the first person to hit my numbers every single day. when the temp agency called me to let me go from the insurance job they told me it was because they didnt think the new manager and i could "get along". i never did anything disrespectful to that manager - i think she was just a racist *****. 

the first bank i worked at i worked at for a year. i went through 6 different managers at that branch and the last one made it obvious he was trying to get rid of me. he was going back in time sometimes 9 or 10 months to write me up for things. i think the last thing he wrote me up for before i quit was cash differences and not meeting sales goals from my very first quarter when i was in training. one more strike and i was outta there. i think his actions were also racially motivated. something happens to certain people when they become managers. i think they take out a life time of racism on people who look like the people who were racist to them. i could be wrong, but that's the feeling i got when i left both jobs.


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> If we don't work, we actually become bored at home. At least I am like this.
> 
> If we are good at organizing our time, we can do a lot of things.
> 
> ...


i usually get one day off during the week from work. i usually spend that day cleaning. it usually takes 3-4 hours on that day. i dont really clean daily. there's always dishes in the sink and laundry in the basket. 

i dont cook much.. if i do its usually for myself. hubs is really really picky. i used to try and cook for him when we first got married. but he never ate it. he would order food after he tasted what i made. and it wasnt anything crazy. i used to make grilled chicken with veggies and other simple stuff. but he hated it. he's from Pakistan and the women over there dont work. they clean and cook all day. the men over there get treated like kings over there. in muslim countries all the man has to do is say "divorce" 3 times and the couple is divorced. no legal junk involved and the wife gets left with nothing. i guess they have to work a little harder to keep their men. 

we eat out A LOT... like almost every day. i dont really grocery shop. i cant remember the last time i did. 

i wouldnt say my job is "tiring". it can be stressful because it's a bank. i've never had a job with so many responsibilities. but if i dont have anyone crazy at my window it's not bad. the thing that irritates me about that job is that its not steady. every day i come into work at a different time. if i work 1-4 the whole day is gone. if i work 8-12 im good. but that's a coveted schedule that i dont get often. 

but i think you're right. my hubs said that exact thing. "a man wants his wife to take good care of him". i mean... the angle i see things now is that i do bring in a little bit of money. and i wait on the man hand and foot. "turn of the fan... bring me some water... get me a blanket... im sick take care of me... we're going here, can you drive.... can you heat up the left overs". sometimes it seems like all i do on my off time is tend to him. even though im not cooking and cleaning all the time... he's hard to maintain! haha.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

cory275 said:


> any advice? do you value your wives domestic skills more than her career skills? does the level of respect change if you're working or not? do you expect your wives to be wonderwomen and cook, clean, and work? do i just need to step it up and be a better wife?


Marriage is a give and take thing. It takes a lot of chutzpah to order you around like that, whether you are working or not. 

Personally if my wife is not working, I would expect her to be doing more around the house. Now, if she wanted to work and was spending her time looking for a job, then I would reasonably not expect as much domestically. 

My wife has 24 hours a day just like I do. I do not expect her to make as much money as me (she does) while at the same time put in hours and hours of domestic duty. I admire my wife's ability to be valued in the work world. I want her to work. She's good at it. I respect that ability and treat her as well as I would treat a valued loved one. 

Your hubby needs to have a realistic view of how much of the "superwoman" thing is do-able.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

cory275 said:


> i usually get one day off during the week from work. i usually spend that day cleaning. it usually takes 3-4 hours on that day. i dont really clean daily. there's always dishes in the sink and laundry in the basket.
> 
> i dont cook much.. if i do its usually for myself. hubs is really really picky. i used to try and cook for him when we first got married. but he never ate it. he would order food after he tasted what i made. and it wasnt anything crazy. i used to make grilled chicken with veggies and other simple stuff. but he hated it. he's from Pakistan and the women over there dont work. they clean and cook all day. the men over there get treated like kings over there. in muslim countries all the man has to do is say "divorce" 3 times and the couple is divorced. no legal junk involved and the wife gets left with nothing. i guess they have to work a little harder to keep their men.
> 
> ...


Cleaning is interesting, if you do it every day, it's easy and very rewarding. But if you pile it up, it becomes intimidating. 

I do cleaning every day, so it doesn't take me much time to make our place neat. 

Home is for us to relax. When our home is neat and tidy, it gives us very warm feelings. It makes us want to go home and relax. 

But if your husband expects you to be like a wife from his own country, I think it is a bit challenging. Is it possible that he changes his mind and understands that acting like that is not appropriate. No matter how much your wife loves and wants to take care of you, you still need to learn to help at home, especially with your own stuff. 

I don't think that staying at home is a good idea. I just don't like the idea of women staying at home, unless you have children to look after. 

I guess you have to learn to be a superwoman!


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Not to be rude but you don't sound like you'll be much of a homemaker but you don't sound like you perform at a high level in the workplace. What are your hobbies/interests? Could one of them be turned into a business? You say the women in his country are generally housewives. I'm guessing once the kids come along he'd expect you at home (just a guess). I would seriously consider a home business that can give you the opportunity to be at home with less of the boredom. It will also give you time to get your homemaking skills up to date. Buy a few different cookbooks and look at some of the home organization web sites that are out there.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

cory275 said:


> i usually get one day off during the week from work. i usually spend that day cleaning. it usually takes 3-4 hours on that day. i dont really clean daily. there's always dishes in the sink and laundry in the basket.
> 
> i dont cook much.. if i do its usually for myself. hubs is really really picky. i used to try and cook for him when we first got married. but he never ate it. he would order food after he tasted what i made. and it wasnt anything crazy. i used to make grilled chicken with veggies and other simple stuff. but he hated it. he's from Pakistan and the women over there dont work. they clean and cook all day. the men over there get treated like kings over there. in muslim countries all the man has to do is say "divorce" 3 times and the couple is divorced. no legal junk involved and the wife gets left with nothing. i guess they have to work a little harder to keep their men.
> 
> ...


if you keep up with this lifestyle ..........eating out everyday you'll be fat,unhealth and broke in no time.

why not start being more frugal? start making meals at home and saving your pay check for a rainy day or emergency.

sounds like he make a fair amount if you guys are smart he might be able to retire early or whatever you guys decied what your goals together are.

you are very lucky to be in a position like this in these rough econimic times don't take it for granted. be wise with your money.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> if you keep up with this lifestyle ..........eating out everyday you'll be fat,unhealth and broke in no time.
> 
> why not start being more frugal? start making meals at home and saving your pay check for a rainy day or emergency.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Chilly, for some reason frugal is synonymous with cheap in the USA. I do not understand why people spend, spend, spend, and then complain about hating their job. never occurs to them that money doesn't buy happiness, it buys you your freedom from wage slavery.


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## johniori1 (Dec 28, 2011)

You need to set your priorities and decide what it is you both value most for your marriage.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> Cleaning is interesting, if you do it every day, it's easy and very rewarding. But if you pile it up, it becomes intimidating.
> 
> I do cleaning every day, so it doesn't take me much time to make our place neat.
> 
> Home is for us to relax. When our home is neat and tidy, it gives us very warm feelings. It makes us want to go home and relax.


:iagree:

We both work full time and putting a load of laundry on in the evening and getting tasks done a little each night - or a couple of nights per week - means things are taken care of without it needing to pile up. Although hubs and I both share the tasks. If you're working part-time and mostly during middle of the day, is there a way you could get things done in the morning?

As for cooking, I'm learning for my own benefit primarily, and of course to help our household too, so I'm not claiming to be chef de jour here. But why did he not like when you cooked chicken and vegetables? Could you learn to make some recipes he'd enjoy? And just out of curiosity, what is tuna helper? 

How about finding recipes online or asking him for help? Pakistani Recipes - Desi Cookbook mmm there's a chicken curry recipe that looks delicious. 

What did you do differently when you were home before? Why can't you adapt this to fit in with your part time schedule now? Or is it that you really just don't want to work?


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

If you only work part time and your husband provides for you financially, he is right to expect you to pull your weight at home. It is not as if you have a full time job. I don't think your husband is being unreasonable.

I will be focusing on school for the next 1.5 years. I wanted to work as well, but my husband politely requested that I simply focus on obtaining my credentials quickly while he supports us. I appreciate having this luxury and one of the ways I show my gratitude is taking on more household responsibilities. My husband helps, but I feel that I have to contribute in other ways since I do not contribute financially.

Married couples need to work together; give and take is the idea. He does many things to make your life happier and easier-why not do the same for him? If your husband supports you, he deserves good meals and a clean home. 

It is only fair.


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