# If you are about to go to Plan B/Consequences Stage



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

For those who are reading along and maybe heading there themselves I would like to point out that the Plan B/NO CONTACT Consequences Stage can be just as hard on the loyal spouse as the disloyal spouse to enforce. 

Up to this point, the loyal and disloyal have had their lives intertwined. Up to this point, the disloyal's behavior and affair have basically caused ongoing drama's and traumas. Up to this point, the loyal's body has been living on adrenaline to try to deal with all the drama and trauma. So ending all contact is going to be like going through withdrawal for the loyal spouse, because in real life it *is* withdrawal. 

You will be withdrawing from the chemical adrenaline, and you can tell you have experienced an adrenaline "overload" for a long time if you feel like this:

A compulsion to get busy, be more productive, or be stimulated with noise or activity
Emptiness, boredom, and depressed mood
Feelings of guilt about being idle
Irritability or loss of temper
Worrying about work that needs to be done
Fidgetiness or restlessness (e.g., pacing, finger or foot tapping, fast gum chewing

Once you begin to actually have NO CONTACT with your disloyal spouse, you will first be disentangling your life from theirs. Previously, you may have been controlling your disloyal and not known it...and now you have an irresistible urge to contact them and tell them what to do! Or they may have been controlling you and you didn't know it...and now you feel lost and like you don't know how to make a decision on your own. Previously you two had life set up so that maybe you had similar friends, similar stores, similar places you went, etc. and now you'll need to begin changing all that. And when you have that irresistible urge to contact them...you need to control your own self and not do it! 

Next you will also experience some emotional withdrawal. Maybe you depended on your disloyal, even if you depended on them to be dishonest, it was an emotional connection of some kind. Now that's gone. You will definitely miss their smile, laugh, hugs, etc. This will leave you emotionally vulnerable (and this is why I caution folks in NO CONTACT Consequences Stage to only go to same sex support groups or worship). You will go through depression, lonely, isolation, and grief--but likewise you'll also experience wonderful peace at not having that drama in your life; and small joys and self-accomplishment. 

Finally there will be physical withdrawal. Remember for the past several months you've been living with the dramas and traumas that made for adrenaline overload. Now the "emergency" is removed and your body is used to running on adrenaline high--so you're going to feel it. Symptoms include headaches (could turn to a migraine), serious fatigue, sluggishness, feeling "bluesy" and down, boredom, agitation, crankiness, fidgety feeling, restlessness. For me I can remember distinctly feeling like I was too tired to lift my arms--like soul exhausted--and it was so darn quiet it felt boring. One day I was sitting in my living room thinking, angrily, "My god this is so boring! Nothing is happening!" and then I realized--this is what PEACE felt like! It was quiet and still and relaxing! OMG I had no idea! 

So, I know you are afraid to do this, and I know it is hard. I'm going to be blunt and ask that to some degree you trust me. It will not be easy, I won't kid you, but it will be the fastest, best way for you to recover and grow into a healthy, happy, loving human being. I *KNOW* for a fact you can do it. And I just want to point out something that may give you some level of compassion for your disloyal. You know how you are afraid and don't really want to do it? I mean..you do but you don't? THIS-- this withdrawal and changing everything and loss and all of it is exactly what you are asking your disloyal spouse to go through in order to honor their vow, stay with you, and rebuild the marriage. Daunting, isn't it? 

Here's the big difference. I know you have the courage within you to do it. Take the leap off the cliff.


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