# Toxic Mother-in-Law



## UsernameHere (Sep 26, 2013)

I have had another thread that list some ongoing issues, some of which are improving and others a sort of stalemate. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/228834-worried-about-state-my-marriage-6.html#post11059137

I was wondering why the drinking had increased and sex had come to a screeching halt, and it centred around my wife's last trip home to visit her parents (I didn't go by the way as I was working on a business trip).

I have it on good authority, that despite my wife being a tad distrustful of her mother, my wife may have discussed some of our issues with her. The MIL is probably one of the most narcissistic and self centred person you could meet, we have never really got on that well, and over the years her comments have often been targeted when she has an audience and when myself or my wife least wanted to kick off and argument (i.e family gatherings, birthday parties etc).

Anyway, my point I have learnt that on her last visit home something was discussed to the point where her mother had suggested my wife "go off and have an affair" :scratchhead:

I also know that my wife apparently sided strongly with me, and said that "she would never do that to me", and was quite upset at the suggestion. I don't have many more details beyond this as to why this was all said, but I do plan on finding out.

This really upsets me, because despite a drought period, we started to work on us and our sex life improved greatly, we were in a happier place, but since that trip home, everything became on hold. I'm now getting the standard "everything is about sex" speeches (read later post in other thread).

Now...on finding this out I really want to tear the MIL a new a##hole, and ask her what the F she thinks she's playing at? Whether I'll get any semblance of truth or not is a different question, but I was hoping that in whatever exchange goes down I may get at least some insight into what my wife's issues are, as she clams up when I approach her about things.

I consider the MIL toxic, as far as I'm concerned she can stay out of my life, problem is she is her mother so I don't really know how to deal with this going forward. If it was a toxic friend then it's easier to cut contact etc.

I really appreciate advice:

How far to go with MIL - have it out with her?
Extent of boundary and future contact?
I'm upset my wife never even mentioned this - how to deal with fallout with my wife from any heated discussion with MIL?

I am just so angry right now


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Imho, I see this coming to a major clash in the future. It will come down to pretty much an ultimatum, you or the m.i.l. People do not usually change until you level consequences at them, and you have to figure out if this is worth it in the long run. Your choices are to leave the marriage, live with it as it is, or try working on the issues for a certain amount of time. Btw, you cannot make your wife do anything, and if she is the one who eventually wants to leave, you will have to accept that too. Unfortunately, your wife and her mother come as a package deal. Usually when it comes to toxic friends, the advice on here is to get rid of them, but your situation is different.


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

So your wife told her mom some issues she has with you and now you want to beat your mother in law's butt over her advise to her daughter. Which your wife didn't take anyway...

Let it go...

Seriously, let it go.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Tell your wife that MIL is out. My wife and I had to cut some close family members loose who hated our marriage and were enemies of it.

Should also tell your wife she is bucking for a divorce if she doesn't want to work on your issues. Hopefully, you are doing your part as well.

How did you find out about the conversation? If it was from your wife, you need to be concerned. Her behavior is somewhat suspect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UsernameHere (Sep 26, 2013)

Revamped said:


> So your wife told her mom some issues she has with you and now you want to beat your mother in law's butt over her advise to her daughter. Which your wife didn't take anyway...
> 
> Let it go...
> 
> Seriously, let it go.


No thats not the case at all, the MIL has actively pushed advice to my wife to seek an affair, that in my books twisted and the actions of a sick individual, much like a toxic friend actively encouraging and supporting an affair.

My issue is how was I being portrayed and what was being said to warrant such a statement? I'm angry at MIL for being such a *****, something she has been to just about everyone since I've known her. And yeah I knew this before getting married 23 years ago, I just chose to ignore and be passive to her, basically not feeding her ego.

I support that my wife at least "did the right thing" during the conversation, I have no issue with that BUT I am a little upset that she has never discussed this and if the situation was reversed she'd be pi**ed at me.


----------



## iwantstrength (Dec 17, 2014)

Try to sort things out between you and your wife. Try to improve yourself, how you the two of you work on your marriage and be open to her about your feelings, your fears and dreams.You said that your MIL pushes your wife to go have an affair but do you have proof for this? If so, why not talk to your MIL or if she's not receptive, might as well reach out to your father in law or someone who could help you guys with those issues. Advising her daughter to seek an affair isn't just right.


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Ok, think about this.

It's been 23 years of your wife being faithful.

Why are you taking stock in it now?

Answer: you shouldn't.

Let it go...


----------



## UsernameHere (Sep 26, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Tell your wife that MIL is out. My wife and I had to cut some close family members loose who hated our marriage and were enemies of it.
> 
> Should also tell your wife she is bucking for a divorce if she doesn't want to work on your issues. Hopefully, you are doing your part as well.
> 
> ...


Conanhub - it seems you have taken steps I wish that I had done years ago. We minimised contact to some degree by living 100 miles away, as even the wife agreed that it would be too much to have them close by.

My son disclosed the details of the conversation, which my wife had originally told him, but kept it from me. She knew I'd go ballistic if I knew of what had been said, she was also perhaps protecting herself as she knows it's a boundary I set when we first dated that our marriage, finances etc were off limits for discussion with her parents, as I knew what MIL was like. Clearly the boundary was crossed, and I'm not surprised by the result, and the advice was as expected not helpful where MIL is concerned.

I had a frank discussion with my wife earlier, initially denied it was said, when pushed her story became "it may have been said but can't remember"...pushing more her story became "it was said but years ago"...and finally became "it was said but not MIL"....I know she's doing damage control. I suppose a bit of trickle truth.

The most revealing discussion was the lack of sex. Some blame was put on me for an out of context remark I don't even remember saying :scratch head:
The other reason appears to be she has developed a huge psychological issue about sex. She considers that she squirted a couple of times that she is a freak, that she feels disgusting and that she doesn't want to experience that again. In her mind, thats it, sex is off the menu, no discussion. 

The above issue is a big concern and out of character, I'm thinking depression? I think MC is going to be essential going forward.


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Have not seen the prior threads. First I would distance yourself from your wife. Don't push for sex; you want her to come to the table.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *UsernameHere said*: *I consider the MIL toxic*, as far as I'm concerned she can stay out of my life, problem is she is her mother so I don't really know how to deal with this going forward. If it was a toxic friend then it's easier to cut contact etc.


 Beings you feel as this..(not disagreeing in any way given what you have shared here- yes, an enemy to the marriage)... I don't see anything good coming out of attempting a conversation with a TOXIC narcissistic / self centered woman who you doubt can give you that semblance of truth you seek..... she'll likely say something to further stir your pot.... and for what.. to cause more of a RIFT between yourself and your wife.. 

No.. don't go there.. I'd suggest...try to be more approachable , calm ....if/ when your wife wants to share something with you.. it would be better to come from her anyway. 

You say you got this "story" from "good authority".. who might that be?....and how has your wife reacted to learning YOU Heard about all of this.. I can only see the DRAMA incited in this family clan..

Try to keep this all *at home*... from here on in....you all will be much better off...


----------



## UsernameHere (Sep 26, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Try to keep this all *at home*... from here on in....you all will be much better off...


That boundary was set 30 years ago. Recent issues in my other thread regarding my son, financial issues etc I know she has not crossed that boundary with family members BUT I do suspect some marriage or personal issues have leaked out.


----------



## UsernameHere (Sep 26, 2013)

jasinzhai said:


> Imho, I see this coming to a major clash in the future.


If you knew our history I can assure you there have been many major clashes over the years the MIL has been a source of tension not just to us, but also poking her nose in to my wifes sister & brothers business :crazy:

MIL and FIL have *NO* friends, they have successfully managed to p*ss their own brothers and sisters and other family members off, that they have little to no contact with any of them. With my Father in laws bad health since 2004, he is so co-dependent on MIL they live their lives 24/7 together, are always fighting and arguing, I don't know how he stayed married. :scratch head:


----------



## UsernameHere (Sep 26, 2013)

Bobby5000 said:


> Have not seen the prior threads. First I would distance yourself from your wife. Don't push for sex; you want her to come to the table.


I honestly don't think that's going to happen. Just prior to coming to bed last night, I got the speech about I would need to look elsewhere if I wanted sex

Like she seriously insults me with such a suggestion whilst married, a one sided open marriage would destroy her emotionally and i wouldn't even consider that option. She's clearly not acting rationally at this point and as mentioned earlier I am suspecting that she is feeling depressed.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

UsernameHere said:


> If you knew our history I can assure you there have been many major clashes over the years the MIL has been a source of tension not just to us, but also poking her nose in to my wifes sister & brothers business :crazy:
> 
> MIL and FIL have *NO* friends, they have successfully managed to p*ss their own brothers and sisters and other family members off, that they have little to no contact with any of them. With my Father in laws bad health since 2004, he is so co-dependent on MIL they live their lives 24/7 together, are always fighting and arguing, I don't know how he stayed married. :scratch head:



Could be that his illness made him stay, and sometimes , even on here, some will stay in a bad marriage for reason like the children, religious reasons, and they just get used to being miserable together. Most of the time, you get an unhealthy child out of that debacle, like your wife. Face it, living with parents like that will most likely affect a person's psyche. Your wife does need therapy. She does not know how to function in a healthy relationship. As much as you like to blame your m.i.l., it is your wife doing these actions. If a drug addict mugged me, I would not blame the drug, but the person who mugged me. Your m.i.l. is the drug, and your wife the mugger.


----------



## UsernameHere (Sep 26, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Could be that his illness made him stay, and sometimes , even on here, some will stay in a bad marriage for reason like the children, religious reasons, and they just get used to being miserable together. Most of the time, you get an unhealthy child out of that debacle, like your wife. Face it, living with parents like that will most likely affect a person's psyche. Your wife does need therapy. She does not know how to function in a healthy relationship. As much as you like to blame your m.i.l., it is your wife doing these actions. If a drug addict mugged me, I would not blame the drug, but the person who mugged me. Your m.i.l. is the drug, and your wife the mugger.


To be honest I care nothing for FIL's reasons for sticking around with her, he clearly has masochistic needs.

Things were a bit awkward and tense between me and the wife after our talk, and yesterday she stuck to just keeping to pleasantries and how was your day type stuff. I feel a bit in limbo at the moment, I didn't want to drag out our arguments from the other evening, but clearly many issues remain unresolved between us. We're going to have to pick up discussion where we left off, as I have a fear that she has made her point of that "there will be no sex" and that I just have to accept that. Well that ain't gonna happen, there's only 2 outcomes from this, things either get better or it's the end of our marriage.

I've been looking at the available counselling services in my area here in the UK, and Relate offer some great services, and I hope the wife is open to these.


----------



## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

UsernameHere said:


> I honestly don't think that's going to happen. Just prior to coming to bed last night, I got the speech about I would need to look elsewhere if I wanted sex
> 
> Like she seriously insults me with such a suggestion whilst married, a one sided open marriage would destroy her emotionally and i wouldn't even consider that option. She's clearly not acting rationally at this point and as mentioned earlier I am suspecting that she is feeling depressed.


Any MC in your future?

I would suggest starting there.


----------



## UsernameHere (Sep 26, 2013)

snerg said:


> Any MC in your future?
> 
> I would suggest starting there.


Yes I made some calls this afternoon, I've now got to convince the wife that this will be worthwhile to receive joint counselling.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I believe that your source of grief is your wife. She wants a marriage without intimacy. I bet my cat, she blames this lack of intimacy on you and tells your mother in law. That is the reason why her mother tells her to have an affair. Your wife is making you out to be the bad guy.

You need to both see a marriage counselor together; licensed marriage therapist. Your wife is definitely manipulating the marriage. It is not going well for you. You need to deal with your wife quickly. This game has gone far too long. How long have you been married? Did you say 23 years? That is too long for games. Deal with your wife.


----------

