# staying the course



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I posted last week about arguments and issues my H and I've been having.

I've made a very intentional decision to change my approach:
step back, cool off, stop trying so hard 
and if he does something that hurts or bothers me, don't jump in right away to "fix" it.
But let him know clearly and respectfully the issue, and when he responds and tries to understand, DROP IT.
Give him his space if he needs a timeout and don't chase him down.
(does this sound like raising a toddler? Huh.)

This is hsving mixed results:
He lashed out tonight at therapy, raising his voice, calling my coolness of the past week "moodiness" and declaring he's sick of putting up with it.
The past couple time he's gotten irritated and needed to take a break, he *hasn't* come back to reconcile after I've left him alone.
---> I brought this up at therapy. 
I also brought up that it hurt me when he asked me how I was feeling, then when I opened up and said something he didn't like, he shut me out.
Did he get the picture on either count? I'm not sure.
In short, he was agitated all through therapy so it was unproductive.
EXCEPT that I did get to say my peace. Though he didn't receive it well.
I was cool and calm, despite his raving.
Weeks ago, I wouldve defended myself and joined in; but this time, I let him throw the tantrum all by himself, right in front of the therapist.

After we got home, we did have a "re-do" of a conversation we had attempted at therapy, and this time he was able to be more understanding than he was on the first round.
---> this was at his initiation.

So here's where it stands:
I'm keeping a steady hand and hoping change, though gradual, is possible.
He's acting like a big baby, blaming me for everything, sputtering and fuming.
But I won't do that.
We've been married 6 months.
I've heard changes and growth can happen in a period of 6 months.

We'll see.
Before anyone tells me to run for the hills, I'm decided that I'm giving this at least another 6 months with this concerted effort on my part, and hope he joins me for the journey into grownup-land. 
Any thoughts, advice, feedback appreciated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I think your husband is running a real risk of YOU growing up, maturing, learning some of the things necessary to have a healthy relationship, etc...and him learning NOTHING and getting left behind. What a shame.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Yes, mm...
It took us some time to get to this point.
So it'll take some time to change it.
I know I've made my own missteps in the process but I also know Im a wonderful person and can be a wonderful wife.
I'm taking a different tack than I ever have and it's scaring and confusing him a little.
-->anger indicates that safely.
I hope he does learn what he needs to.

For now it seems to be baby steps...
I know he has it in him to be mature, loving, respectful, kind, considerate.
He's not self-reflective enough to look inside when he feels confused, hurt, and rejected.

But although he acted the fool at therapy, he did try to make an emotional connection with me at home.
--that does count for something.

I can't grow up for him or raise him since his wacko parents didn't.

I can love him and treat him with respect and let him know I want to be respected too, and hope for the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

You sound to have it completely sorted out with a timeline for change and everything, so I think you are doing great. I wouldn't tell you to run for the hills, and I do hope that your H can catch on to the counseling and start working with you to make your marriage better. You have it all together, and I hope peace comes soon for both of you. How are you doing emotionally with all of this if you don't mind my asking??


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

DawnD, how am i dealing emotionally?

Completely differently than I did before:
i'm turning to myself instead of him.
If something he says hurts or bugs me, I figure out what "part" of me inside that hurts and why, and I take care of myself.
(this is on the insightful advice of someone on this forum, btw--let 'em know who you are if you want to.)
whereas before, I wouldve told HIM.

I know, everyone...I need to openly and honestly communicate with my H.
But I'm not ready to dive back into asking him to meet my emotional needs.
---->he's clearly in no position to at the moment, he has his own emotional demons that he hasn't even faced yet.
Baby steps on that one: that he approached me last night after therapy and was open to hearing me is the best I can expect from him right now.

If I have an emotional need, I meet it myself.
I end up feeling better and my husband sees a strong wife.

Basically what I did yesterday at therapy was tell him my boundaries:
"if you stomp off in a huff without reconnecting, or if you shut me out after asking me to open up, I will not be the happy-go-lucky, affectionate sweet wife you adore. I won't bounce back until a reconnection is made and an acknowledgement of the little bump in the road that we hit. If I give you space to cool off as you've expressed you need from me, you must come back and reconcile as you know I need from you."

And what was his response to this boundary I demonstrated?
A fit.

I'm not sure if the message sunk in with him.
But whereas before I would fret over whether it did or not, I'm allowing time and my own silence on the topic (until it comes up again) show him different from MY end.

This message is "I said what I had to say. Up to you what you want to do with it."

this truly is a very different approach for me.
He's used to me talking something to death, and had a temper fit at my sudden mystifying silence.
It's a shock to our system.
Let's see what happens as I keep it up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I had to live that life for about 3 years, and it was devastating for me. I felt alone and just couldn't understand why he didn't want to be the one I turned to. When he came back and WAS the one I could talk to, it was shocking LOL. 

I am hoping for MUCH quicker results for you, only because I can still remember the turmoil of it all. Bites the big one. I do applaud you for staying the course and trying. I did too, and I will send all the positive vibes I can your way that he wakes up sooner that mine did


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

What does your therapist say about this? I am also curious about the content of his fit.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Wow, really?
I'm hoping for quicker results too.

What did you do that helped your H come around?

Basically I feel like I've been needier and more vulnerable the whole time, and I need to "man up" so to speak.

I know my H is sweet when I'm sweet to him first; but he crossed a line with me and I need to let him know it's not ok before I can open back up and be sweet.
Unfortunately, I didn't get what I needed from him for me to open back up, so now I'm still in an in-between place.

It's like he "got it," but "doesn't like it."

I truly feel like I'm teaching a child a lesson.

Like I'm thinking "don't bend...he'll learn to like it."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Credam,
Excellent steps on your part. Stay strong. He will either step up or you will end up asking him to "step off". 

Do you think he truly believes that:
1. He does need to change/grow up
2. He loves you enough to fear you ending the marriage



credamdóchasgra said:


> DawnD, how am i dealing emotionally?
> 
> Completely differently than I did before:
> i'm turning to myself instead of him.
> ...


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Vt...
The T spent the whole time trying to help him see my 2 main points.
He tried to get us to find a middle ground.
He saw that only one of us was being unreasonable.

H is manipulating the T's perception at this point.
He continued to paint ME as a raving lunatic---which, to be fair, T has seen from me before.
But not anymore.

The content of his fit?
LOL (which I only say when I literally mean it)
He ran the gamout:
"I'm sick of dealing with her moodiness all week" (polite distance)
"She stresses ME out!"
"she puts me through hours and hours of talk talk talk!" (ummm, didn't you just critique my silence?)
"What kind of signal do we need, Doc? Why don't you ask my WIFE!!!"

It was quite ridiculous.
I think our T didn't know WTF to do with it, to be honest.

I think the ONLY purpose that session served was that I said what I needed to say, and I got the opportunity to sit calmly while my H behaved like a spoiled child.
In front of a witness.

The things he did that hurt me, that I needed to get off my chest, may not happen as I keep my own self in check.
---yet that really does put the initial responsibility on me, doesn't it?

The difference right now is that I'm going to "keep myself in check" for MY sake, and not hang every happiness on my H's response to it.
Abso-freaking-lutely I want him to respond well and reciprocate.
But whether he does or not, I'm going to be a strong and stable person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Wow, really?
> I'm hoping for quicker results too.
> 
> What did you do that helped your H come around?"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Honestly, I couldn't do anything to turn around his behavior. Our husbands are similar but different. Just found out recently that mine had PTSD for about 3 years, and that was the culprit for some of his behavior. He did refuse to get help for that 3 years though, that is his to own.

He had to hit rock bottom. I didn't know about this place back then, and I am guessing with your counseling and the clever people here at TAM, your results will be quicker and more productive then mine LOL.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MEM asked 

"Do you think he truly believes that:
1. He does need to change/grow up
2. He loves you enough to fear you ending the marriage?"

1. My gut reply was "yes." 
2. I don't know. At this point he does not have that fear. My gut says he wouldn't fight for me. BUT, he is in counseling with me, so maybe I'm wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I don't know if this is useful. I remember when I first started with calm limit setting instead of whining, crying and nagging. DH did not like it One Bit. Change is a drag. He felt like I was treating him like a child... Time makes things more clear sometimes. Unfortunately only he can decide if he is going to grow up or not.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Yes, it's useful to hear that my H's response isn't necessarily unusual.

I understand his pov (even if he can't understand mine).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

well i think you're doing fantastic and making some great changes. i was thinking about your situation tonight since i think our relationships started off very similarly. as i sat with my H tonight he said the sweetest things to me and i almost cried. it was unreal. i thought of you because i think you and your H also have the same future if you keep at it.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Blanca, I hope so. We have a long way to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Wow, really?
> 
> Like I'm thinking "don't bend...he'll learn to like it."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm going to tell you the whole truth. You are setting the tone for the rest of your relationship right now in my experience. If you bend now, you will always have to bend. Of course you both need to reach a compromise, but I'm talking about bending on your needs. If they are your needs, then don't bend or you will never be happy. Yes, you are right that you may need to fullfil some of your own needs, but this should be pretty close to fifty/fifty on efforts of meeting each other's needs. I assume he did meet your needs before you married or you wouldn't have married him. Right? Or did you think it would get better after you were married? If it's the latter, then that could be a problem.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Candice, you're right. We are setting the tone now, I appreciate that emphasis.
Some things were issues even before we got married, but the good always outweighed the bad, so here we are.
We know we're both type A personalities and that we challenge each other in good ways, we're just figuring out how to "grow up" as married individuals.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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