# Should I tell my wife that I'm gay/bi or should I wait?



## dougfromdetroit (Jul 3, 2012)

This is a unique situation and I'm hoping to get some help. I have 2 boys by my wife. One is 4 and the other is 5 weeks. The last time we had sex was in January. Prior to that, we had sex once every 3 months. I have always been attracted to women and my wife is very attractive. Around 2 years ago, I could no longer get it up to have sex with her. I tried seeing doctors and taking erectile medication. It seems that nothing helped our situation. I could rarely get it up during sex and even the vardenafil rarely worked.

The paradox to this story is the fact that I have a very high sex drive. I can easily masturbate 2-3 times per day. It's just one day, I could no longer get aroused by her to have sex. We have not had sex since January and my excuse is that she was pregnant. She had a C-section and that was 5 weeks ago. Meanwhile, I'm thinking that I may like guys. I have never cheated on her and I have never had sex with a man. I just feel that a man would be able to satisfy me better. Another problem is that I'm still attracted to women too. I can watch women porn all day but yet, male porn disgusts me. I don't understand this but it's how I feel. I know this may sound confusing but I'm also confused too.

Is this normal? I'm 29 years old so I don't think I should be curious like this. I would prefer to stay with my wife and sleep with her but for some reason, that option just doesn't seem natural to me. Should I tell her that I think I am bi or gay or should I keep it to myself until I am sure? I know it's wrong to cheat but I have been thinking about maybe sleeping with a guy to see what it's like. She has been talking about the future lately and pretty soon, i'm sure she will start pressuring me for sex. I just don't know what to do so please help me.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

You know... you could try having her dress up as a guy and put on a strap on... then have her take you and see if you like that? Perhaps that may answer some questions?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Bi or gay is two very different things. If you're bi then you need to lay off the porn and get back into your wife. The porn doesn't help in this regard. Over time you've got to figure out if you can live without being with another man.

If you're gay, well then there isn't much you can do other than level with your wife.


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## dougfromdetroit (Jul 3, 2012)

Gaia said:


> You know... you could try having her dress up as a guy and put on a strap on... then have her take you and see if you like that? Perhaps that may answer some questions?


This really isn't a option since she would get the idea that i'm gay and it would end our relationship. In her eyes, I'm very anti-gay. She doesn't know that i'm attracted to guys.



larry.gray said:


> Bi or gay is two very different things. If you're bi then you need to lay off the porn and get back into your wife. The porn doesn't help in this regard. Over time you've got to figure out if you can live without being with another man.
> 
> If you're gay, well then there isn't much you can do other than level with your wife.


I guess laying off of porn would be a start. I really want to stay with her and I love my kids but I just can't explain these feelings.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

That's sad that it would end the relationship.... are you sure she wouldn't be open minded about trying this during sex? Or... do you think she ever could be?


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## dougfromdetroit (Jul 3, 2012)

No she would never be open to it. She is not from the US and back in her country, they publicly ridicule gays and sometimes kill them. OF course I am from here. I am stuck because I'm not even sure I'm gay. I would hate to tell her that I am and then later I sleep with a guy and find out it's not for me.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Maybe it's not the ... sleeping with a guy thats appealing... perhaps it may be the ... being penetrated and dominated that is? They do have toys that you can experiment with if your interested... to see exactly what you like rather then going out and experimenting with another person....


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I would suggest going to a PFLAG meeting. You can look up chapters here:

PFLAG: Coming Out Support for LGBT People 

You'll find people who've been there are can help you understand your feelings. You should be safe talking there without someone outing you. That's the #1 rule for anyone in PFLAG: no outing anybody, they set the pace.


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## mace85 (Mar 12, 2012)

dougfromdetroit said:


> No she would never be open to it. She is not from the US and back in her country, they publicly ridicule gays and sometimes kill them. OF course I am from here. I am stuck because I'm not even sure I'm gay. I would hate to tell her that I am and then later I sleep with a guy and find out it's not for me.


Sadly we aren't much more advanced in some social circles here. 

Coming from a straight man I will offer this advice. Talk to her about your situation as much as your comfortable with. But I know that is meaningless advice and easier said than done. 

It will be hard to explain your sexuality to her if you don't have a firm (no pun intended) grasp of it yourself. Maybe that's what it is, and maybe not. 

Sometimes when my wife haven't had sex in a while I perceive a lack of attraction on either of our parts. We are young (26 and 27) but between pre-med undergrad work for both of us, her issues from one type of bc pill and when I had my cancer surgery there have been some long dry stretches. But eventually we realize our attraction is to the people we married, not the perfect ten porn figure ( but she smoking hot). We have no kids but I can understand how a new kid and pregnancy get in the way. 

I guess I really don't know what to tell you, but I wish you luck in whatever your situation turns out to be.


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

I'm no expert, but I've read articles and seen specials that say that heterosexual men are repulsed by gay porn and homosexuals and bisexuals are aroused by it. That would suggest that you may not be gay. My brother-in-law is gay and one of his first indicators was that he found hetero porn disgusting but when he discovered gay porn he was totally into it. 

I would lay off the 2-3 per day masturbation. That may be making it even more difficult to maintain an erection during sex.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

dougfromdetroit said:


> I just feel that a man would be able to satisfy me better.


Can you explain the line above? I don't get it, since you say that gay p*rn disgusts you. I can't think of any good advice, other than to really take your time here. Don't go sleep with a dude and don't tell your W about this just yet. 

Cut the p*rn and slow down or stop MB-ing so much. Maybe your wife's recovering body isn't attractive to you since you're looking at p*rn bodies? Maybe talk to your wife and tell her you'd like to try some new things to get that spark back?


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Twenty-nine years old, always been attracted to women, only have had sex with women, never had a sexual fantasy or thought about a man. That sounds neither gay nor bi.

You have a sexual anxiety problem as evidenced by not being able to get hard with your wife, and your mind is trying to reconcile it by convincing yourself that you're gay or bi. This is far more common than you think, and is linked to sexual anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder.

Do me a favor, read this article and tell me if the first few paragraphs ring true. I'll quote the important paragraph below. Then read this article and tell me if it hits home.



> The anxious man begins to wonder if he is attracted to other men. This almost inevitably leads to excessive concern when he detects any positive feeling within himself for another man. Unaware that everyone has a sliding scale of interest in others, he will police his thoughts and emotions. Again, inevitably, this will mean that he will have thoughts about sex when he comes in contact with any man he doesn't find totally repellent, because he has linked attractive men, fear and sex in his mind. This is another trait all humans have. When something is flagged up in our heads as very important, that link always occurs. So 'see a good-looking man, think of sex' becomes a chronic response to this sexually worried man and plunges him deeper and deeper into self-doubt.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

From reading the Original Post, I would cut out the porn and masturbation and see if that changes the relationship with your wife.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

I agree that there is a contradiction between what you say that you enjoy sexually (women) and being gay. Perhaps you need to look at other possibilities.

There's a research paper gaining some popularity on the Internet called "The Great Porn Experiment" that describes the effects of porn on intimate relationships (among other things). One of the effects is a loss of interest in your primary partner.

http://www.reuniting.info/download/pdf/TheGreatPornExp.pdf

There's also a video that boils it down if you find the reading too dry


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## Revel (Mar 13, 2012)

Perhaps the Madonna-***** syndrome (sounds like Madonna-horse syndrome) is also relevant here? Maybe you have trouble comprehending that the mother of your children could also be a sex kitten?

Does the thought of being gay cause some anxiety or other strong emotion? There is a theory that various strong negative emotions can inadvertently cause arousal that can be misinterpreted.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stop the masturbation, stop the porn. Either get off with her, or don't get off at all. And think about seeing a sex therapist, or an individual counsellor with experience in sexual dysfunctions.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OneLoveXo (Jun 5, 2012)

You may want to consider not watching porn for a while. For many men it switches things in their head that they experience ED, for some it's so extreme that they can't get aroused orally at all. For many of these men they stopped watching porn, and only stick to sex and masturbation without porn; many of these men went between a week to 5-6 months until they started seeing results and were able to get hard again and stay hard. Some of them are 50 yr old man that say they feel and perform like a teenager again. Here is link to medhelp, just read the comments, it's happeneing to some that are even 19yrs old to 60yrs old; many of them were unable to perform with partner but can still get hard during porn.


22 with porn induced erectile dysfunction? - Men's Health - MedHelp

That may not be your case, but if you are doing it a lot and no sex with your woman, than your brain stopped registering things the same way, try this it may help to switch things back. Just read the comments, some people changed their sex lives completely around.
Excessive amount of porn can cause ED (mostly physocholigical), however luckily it's reversible  Use your sexual frustration out on your wife, cut the masturbation and porn until you guys have resumed healthy sex life.

Does your wife deny you of sex, is that why you guys aren't having much sex? Or is it because neither of you are initiating?

Whatever you do do not cheat, try anal toys or something, try a strap on. But wait a lil and figure if it's not those other things. Just because you can't get aroused by your wife (even though she is attractive) does not mean you are gay or bi, considering you get turned off by gay porn, I think maybe you're bi or even straight (and confused).

But what do I know, that just my $.02

Wish you best of luck, whatever you do...DO NOT cheat, talk to your wife before you even considering doing that, maybe seperate and figure yourself out, but do not cheat, she doesn't deserve something like that.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

You masturbate 2-3 times per day. Are you watching porn while doing this? If so turn that **** off. I doubt you are gay your brain just doesn't wake up one day and go oh I am attracted to six packs and hairy men. If you have always been attracted to women then you are not gay. Jeez you might have porn addiction.


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## hiswife628 (May 29, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hiswife628 (May 29, 2012)

To me it doesn't sound like your gay or bi. Do some research on HOCD. It's a form of Obsessive compulsive disorder that causes someone gay or straight to obsessively irrationally question their sexuality. Seriously, look into it before you potentially ruin your marriage. You may be I can't say for sure but based in what you say it sounds more like HOCD to me. Just my 2cents
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dougfromdetroit (Jul 3, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> Can you explain the line above? I don't get it, since you say that gay p*rn disgusts you. I can't think of any good advice, other than to really take your time here. Don't go sleep with a dude and don't tell your W about this just yet.
> 
> Cut the p*rn and slow down or stop MB-ing so much. Maybe your wife's recovering body isn't attractive to you since you're looking at p*rn bodies? Maybe talk to your wife and tell her you'd like to try some new things to get that spark back?


Wow! I was expecting to log on here and see responses making fun of me and making smart remarks. It's nice to see nothing but mature responses. When I posted this on yahoo, I got nothing but smart and stupid remarks.

To explain what I meant about saying that I think I would be happier with a guy. It's just that I feel that I could be happier with a man in regards to life. I felt that we could do so many things together that me and my wife don't do such as play basketball or go camping. I also would imagine that sex would be easier with a man. Even when me and my wife had a good sex life. I had to beg her to go down on me and I used to always have to ask her to get in positions that I liked. It just seems like with a man, it wouldn't be a need to do all of that. This is all speculation on my part since I've never been in a relationship with a man.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

dougfromdetroit said:


> Wow! I was expecting to log on here and see responses making fun of me and making smart remarks. It's nice to see nothing but mature responses. When I posted this on yahoo, I got nothing but smart and stupid remarks.
> 
> To explain what I meant about saying that I think I would be happier with a guy. It's just that I feel that I could be happier with a man in regards to life. I felt that we could do so many things together that me and my wife don't do such as play basketball or go camping. I also would imagine that sex would be easier with a man. Even when me and my wife had a good sex life. I had to beg her to go down on me and I used to always have to ask her to get in positions that I liked. It just seems like with a man, it wouldn't be a need to do all of that. This is all speculation on my part since I've never been in a relationship with a man.


This sounds more like extreme dissatisfaction with your current situation than a change in sexual orientation. 

Do you fantasize about having sex with men? If so, do you gain pleasure from those fantasies, or do they gross you out and fill you with anxiety?

Did you read the first article I linked to in my first response? It sounds like you've lost all attraction to your wife and your mind is trying to rationalize it by convincing you you're gay. That first article talks about that.


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## dougfromdetroit (Jul 3, 2012)

Davelli0331 said:


> Twenty-nine years old, always been attracted to women, only have had sex with women, never had a sexual fantasy or thought about a man. That sounds neither gay nor bi.
> 
> You have a sexual anxiety problem as evidenced by not being able to get hard with your wife, and your mind is trying to reconcile it by convincing yourself that you're gay or bi. This is far more common than you think, and is linked to sexual anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder.
> 
> Do me a favor, read this article and tell me if the first few paragraphs ring true. I'll quote the important paragraph below. Then read this article and tell me if it hits home.


I just read the article and it pretty much describes me to a T. It actually makes me feel better. When I couldn't stay hard for my wife, she used to casually accuse me of being gay. It got to the point that everytime something gay was brought up, I made an effort to show that I am against everything that was gay. When years passed and I still couldn't get it up, I began to think that maybe I am gay and just didn't know it. I don't know what to do.


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## dougfromdetroit (Jul 3, 2012)

Davelli0331 said:


> This sounds more like extreme dissatisfaction with your current situation than a change in sexual orientation.
> 
> Do you fantasize about having sex with men? If so, do you gain pleasure from those fantasies, or do they gross you out and fill you with anxiety?
> 
> Did you read the first article I linked to in my first response? It sounds like you've lost all attraction to your wife and your mind is trying to rationalize it by convincing you you're gay. That first article talks about that.


I read the articles and I think it explains what I am thinking. I am to the point in my life that if I look at a guy, I could say things like he's attractive or he's hot. However, when I look at gay porn, it grosses me out to the point that I am trying to get it out of my head. I won't admit that I've lost attraction for my wife because I'm not sure I have. She is very attractive and constantly being hit on. She is not perfect but she has not changed much physically since we got married.


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## dougfromdetroit (Jul 3, 2012)

I have tried to stop watching porn and stop masturbating but it never works. I have given myself ultimatums and have even tried cold turkey. I tried to stop on my birthday, my son's birthday, and I even made it a new years resolution to stop. The longest I went without it was new year's. I probably made it about 2 weeks before I felt like I was going to explode. I don't know how to stop and there isn't like there's a group for chronic masturbators.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

dougfromdetroit said:


> I read the articles and I think it explains what I am thinking. I am to the point in my life that if I look at a guy, I could say things like he's attractive or he's hot. However, when I look at gay porn, it grosses me out to the point that I am trying to get it out of my head. I won't admit that I've lost attraction for my wife because I'm not sure I have. She is very attractive and constantly being hit on. She is not perfect but she has not changed much physically since we got married.


There is a very large difference between knowing that your wife is attractive and actually being sexually attracted to her. There are women that I've known that were very physically attractive but to whom I was not attracted due to their personality, their mannerisms, even their personal hygiene. It's called chemistry, and it sounds like you and your wife have lost it.

My bet is that you have a lot of hidden resentment and shame toward your wife, especially if she was calling you gay for not being able to perform around her (how insensitive is that, btw?). You turned to porn when you were no longer attracted to your wife and began questioning your own sexuality when you weren't "feeling it" for her anymore. Have you spent a lot of time questioning yourself, thinking "Why can't I get hard for my smoking hot wife? Men are supposed to be able to perform at a moment's notice!"

What not to do is go have a sexual encounter with a man. That will only confuse you more, because you know the truth as well as I do, that you're not gay. What others have suggested is what you need to do:
1) Stop the porn. You're turning to that as an outlet instead of facing the real problem, the lack of sexual chemistry with your wife
2) Figure out why you're no longer sexually attracted to your wife. Has anything happened in the last few years to cause deep resentment toward her?
3) Might not be a bad idea to go to a counselor to help figure yourself out


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

dougfromdetroit said:


> I have tried to stop watching porn and stop masturbating but it never works. I have given myself ultimatums and have even tried cold turkey. I tried to stop on my birthday, my son's birthday, and I even made it a new years resolution to stop. The longest I went without it was new year's. I probably made it about 2 weeks before I felt like I was going to explode. I don't know how to stop and there isn't like there's a group for chronic masturbators.


Sounds like you've turned to porn so much it's become an addiction for you. Also not uncommon. The porn is making your situation worse, because it's not only giving you an outlet to avoid the real problem, it's also warping your subconscious expectations of sex and your wife, which is further feeding the problem. This sort of thing is a true closed feedback loop that becomes a downward spiral.

There actually are addiction groups for this, Sexaholics Anonymous. There's also lots of forums and websites dedicated to it. However, I think if you address the real problem, your lack of sexual attraction to your wife, the porn problem will take care of itself. However, part of addressing that will be giving up the porn initially.


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## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

Your thoughts on why a male-male relationship would be easier are way off. Having similar topical interests does not make a good relationship. You may be hearkening back to the relationships of your youth, when we were all so sure we were in love because we loved the same bands and foods.
Also, gender has nothing to do with wether a person is more open/submissive to sexual acts. Even further, it has nothing to do with the level of drama in a relationship. Things like that are down to the individual.


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## MrCounsellor (Jul 16, 2012)

Having worked as a therapist/counsellor for GLBT NGOs, as well as within my own private practice for quite some time, I can assure you of one thing - situations such as this are usually far too complex and overwhelming to address in isolation. Though a number of members have generously offered their support in response to your thread, I would urge you to contact your local GLBT NGO to see if you can access their counselling service for support. 

Given the insights you've shared thus far, I would encourage you reinforce that , at present, you are unsure about a range of issues which will ultimately effect the people you love most, including your children. Further, do not hesitate to discuss having any reservations or concerns about the counsellor's ability to maintain a non-directive yet professionally supportive role given the NGOs target population. A well-trained, qualified therapist will skillfully utilize opportunities such as these within a therapeutic context which usually provide significant insights. 

_In the meantime, I HIGHLY recommend checking-out the following website. I refer many of my clients to Joe Korts websites and blogs as I regard him as one of the leaders in our field, globally. _:smthumbup:

Wishing you all the best moving forward, mate.

*Straight men who have sex with men | StraightGuise*

Written from Dr. Joe Kort's perspective as an openly gay psychotherapist who has counseled thousands of sexually confused men over the years, Straight Guise shows how this phenomenon crosses all ethnicities and cultures. Not a week goes by when I don’t receive distressed emails or phone calls from heterosexual men who worry they might be gay and from wives who have discovered their husbands engaged in gay hookups and relationships or exploring gay porn.

Straight Guise intends to help readers just as I have helped my clients, first by separating the two types of men in the world: There are men who are gay and bisexual and then there are heterosexual men who seek out sex with other men.

The difference is one of sexual preference versus sexual identity. Sexual Preferences are about various desires, positions and fantasies one has whereas sexual identity is about how one self-identities in terms of straight, gay, or bisexual.

Straight Guise is not about Reparative Therapy which is harmful. It also is not a site about only pathologizing straight men who have sex with men. It is focused on understanding and differentiating sexual orientaion, sexual acting out normal sexual interest heterosexual men have in sexual contact with other men.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

It doesn't sound like you're gay, or even bisexual.

It sounds like you're suffering from homosexual OCD. I suggest you google it, and you might find yourself greatly relieved by the fact that your story sounds exactly like a textbook case of that.




dougfromdetroit said:


> To explain what I meant about saying that I think I would be happier with a guy. It's just that I feel that I could be happier with a man in regards to life. I felt that we could do so many things together that me and my wife don't do such as play basketball or go camping. I also would imagine that sex would be easier with a man. Even when me and my wife had a good sex life. I had to beg her to go down on me and I used to always have to ask her to get in positions that I liked. It just seems like with a man, it wouldn't be a need to do all of that. This is all speculation on my part since I've never been in a relationship with a man.


This is not homosexuality. You can't intellectualize or rationalize your way into a sexual orientation. A sex drive is more innate, and subconscious, than this. Every man could rationalize as to why being in a relationship with another man would be "cooler", or "easier", than with a woman. But what you're describing above isn't sexuality, it's friendship. You're having problems with your life and are idolizing and fantasizing easier male friendships and relationships, and making those an easy answer to a very complex problem.

Nothing you've said in this thread points toward you being truly homosexual or bisexual. Not a single thing. And you're too wrapped up in your issues right now to see that what you're describing is not remotely what a gay person goes through when coming to terms with their sexuality.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

"Straight" guys that go have sex with men are bisexual or gay men who can't bear to be called bisexual or gay.

The day your new life starts is the day you say "I'm bisexual." I've seen too many people that are tortured by their orientation for years, only to become new, happy people once they accept what they are. It's a giant weight to lift off yourself.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

You say you can easily masturbate 2-3 times a day? Do you though? I wouldn't masturbate or masturbate viewing certain "types" of porn because it will cloud your mind and affect the sex between your wife. Porn has no benefit whatsoever in marriage, it detracts marriage, causes a partner (usually male) to turn away from affection and connection to the other spouse. Most of the "pros" of using porn are ridiculous. Get yourself a cup of oatmeal everyday, regular consumption of oats will increase testosterone production (avenocides), eat meat, which has zinc and other testosterone increasing aminos, and try getting a little exercise. You can also hold out for about 5-7 days no sex, no masturbation so your testosterone can build up and peak.


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