# What Do I Do?



## LostMyPath (Oct 4, 2011)

Hello everyone,

First of all i would like to say, this is my first thread and i have just registered on this forum.

Im on this forum because i find it interesting and enlightening to learn from other mistakes and advice, so thank you all so much for replying and/or any advice that is given to me.

I am 22 years old, I met my wife online, knew her for about 2-3 years before we met up. It is kind of a fairytale story, we met on a teen chat room, she was a moderator, i was a "hacker" so there was the obvious conflict at first.

We began talking on MSN and were just associates for around 2-3 years then when her parents had a huge fal out, i was there for her and i got to know the real her, which is when i said "this is the girl im going to marry"

Cut a long story short, i dealt with a 13 hour difference since she lives in California and i live in Germany, i dealt with visa refusals, the fact that she wants to live in the US with no exceptions, the fact that she does not want kids for the next 10 years because shell be studying all that time, the fact that she lied to me about a lot of things and is/acts completely oblivious to male attention and flirting (this was at the beginning of the relationship and as much as i don't think it is right, how is she to know that this guy she is chatting with and having an online relationship will be her future husband?)

Cut a long story short, since i was turned around on a plane to see her, i got everything taken care off so that she could come and visit me. She came to visit me and it was love at first sight, we got married on our first meet, i flew her out to London (my home town) and we had a dream wedding, just the two of us (her family could not come for whatever reason and my family are spread all around the world)

In all that time, she could only stay for 3 months since school started again and we have now been married but back online for the past 2 months and trying to get papers sorted so that i can move to California with her and we can live happily ever after lol

It has been hard, I have always had trust issues due to past betrayals, i get paranoid and as much as i know my she would not lie to me, she has proven to me so many times that she is loyal, told me so many things that she really did not have to, as much as it was counterproductive for her, she still did. I really do trust her but she either acts or is so oblivious to male attention, she does things without thinking or pretends like she didnt think it was a big deal, example : Her mother has rented a few rooms out in her house she now has two strange guys living in her home, so she walks out of her room early morning, wearing some tiny shorts and a tank top, no bra, which is what she wears after we make love...

I got mad and of course told her it was out of line and she accepted and apologized, then, she suddenly thought "wait a minute, he cant tell me what to wear"


My schedule for the past 9 months that we have been together has been : 

1) Wake up : 5pm ( her 8am when she gets ready for school )
2) Go to work : 6pm ( she has left for school )
3) Get home and try to catch some sleep : 9pm ( her 12am )
4) Wake up : 11:30pm ( her 2pm, she gets home from school )
5) Cam on Skype until 7am ( her 10pm when she goes to sleep )
6) Wake up at 5pm and do it all over again......


After all of this, if i tell her that i feel like she is not spending enough time with me, she says "No one made you stay up and spend time with me" BUT if i hadn't have sacrificed what i have we might have never bee together because how else would we have talked?

There has been numerous times that she has lied to me, until i proved her otherwise, remember "hacker" ^_^

Now she tells me that i have no reason to be paranoid and that it is my problem that i have issues trusting her and that she has done nothing wrong. I wont go into detail but she has given me enough reasons to not trust her....ALTHOUGH i do... but when she says things like that, i don't know what to think?


I just feel like i am being taken for granted, i dont know anything about this nice guy reference but i feel like i am bending over backwards to please her, and i really do love her and adore her and dont care what anyone says but i do not want to loose her for trying too hard.

I never used to be like this, i used to always stick up for my self no matter how much i loved a girl, i used to speak my mind without the worry of "oh god, don't you dare speak your mind or she is going to manipulate you and threaten to leave you" but now i do...


She has said that she hates me, does not love me, doe not want to be with me, around 8 times this month (then she takes it back after she calms down and speaks about having children and is lovely, like the girl that i fell in love with!) and the truth is, i do not treat her badly, i treat her like a queen! i spent 12,000GBP on our marriage, at the age of 22, i had to loan the money and now i am paying back 17,000. I have paid for everything since she has financial issues and i would do it all over again no matter what, i have gone though the 9 months of emotional and physical strain, i have sacrificed so much, so has she, we have been through so much together, but i feel like i am loosing her, and i feel like it is because i am so afraid of loosing her, loosing what i have worked so hard for, and as a result, i accept everything she says, whether i am in the wrong or right.


AFTER reading my post, i want to add, due to her behavour, the online thing and the time difference, i have been letting my paranoia get the better of me and i have accused her of a lot of ****, she has also given me reasons to but every time i do, she threatens or gets crazy out of control and gets mad, and i back down in fear of loosing her. 

what if she cheats on me out of anger? ill never know...
what if she starts to hate me?
what if she stops loving me?

All these STUPID questions!


YES i admit, i have not been a saint, i have accused her over and over, i have been rude in the past but for the past 2 months, since we got married, i have kept my mouth shut and just taken everything she has thrown at me with a smile.

SO I ADMIT, i have not been a saint, she might have reasons for the way she acts but she is being childish.

My question to all of you wise rabbits who have been married for such a long time is, what should i do? what would be your advice to me and if you were in my situation, what would you do?




NOTE: she loves me, she would give her life for me and when we are physically together, we really are meant to be, it is just hard being online for the time being. I CANT WAIT until DECEMBER when she comes to Germany to live with me until we can both return to California and live happily ever after...

Maybe i am worrying too much, guess will see.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think you are in love with a dream, an ideal. That you have your wife way up on the pedestal of your ideal, your dream. One of the biggest indicators of that is that you borrowed £12,000/$18,500 for a wedding A FEW DAYS AFTER YOU MET HER FOR THE FIRST TIME!!!! That is surely a madness?

And every time she doesn’t live up to your dream, she lies to you, flirts with other men or whatever YOU HOIST HER BACK UP ON TO THE PEDESTAL OF YOUR IDEAL DREAM GIRL!

But she keeps falling off of your pedestal. All she is being is herself. But you do not like who she really is, so you put her back up on YOUR pedestal and try and make her someone she is not.


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## LostMyPath (Oct 4, 2011)

AFEH said:


> I think you are in love with a dream, an ideal. That you have your wife way up on the pedestal of your ideal, your dream. One of the biggest indicators of that is that you borrowed £12,000/$18,500 for a wedding A FEW DAYS AFTER YOU MET HER FOR THE FIRST TIME!!!! That is surely a madness?
> 
> And every time she doesn’t live up to your dream, she lies to you, flirts with other men or whatever YOU HOIST HER BACK UP ON TO THE PEDESTAL OF YOUR IDEAL DREAM GIRL!
> 
> But she keeps falling off of your pedestal. All she is being is herself. But you do not like who she really is, so you put her back up on YOUR pedestal and try and make her someone she is not.


I knew her for 3 years before i married her, we spent every single day talking for hours long on webcam for a year until we actually met up, i know her better than her own mother sister, childhood friends know her, i know her darkest secrets and i can read her like a book. I have just lost my way, my self, my path because i love her so much, i got so sidetracked in keeping her happy, and we all know what its like, if someone is overly nice, you take advantage...even if you dont mean to.

So because i took a loan in order to finance our marriage, and because i feel like she is not putting as much in as i do, that means "i am in love with a dream" ??

How exactly am i trying to make her someone that she is not? All i am asking for is some effort on her part, is that asking too much?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

In my view you didn’t know her for three years before you were married, but you are getting to know her now, after you were married. Most significantly you are getting to know the negative emotional affects she has on you, the honeymoon is over sort of thing. You are responding to the negative affects by getting mad, angry and name calling and so you are in a very vicious circle.

You handle the negative affects better by improving your ego defence mechanisms (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/28845-defence-mechanisms-manning-up.html) and by establishing good personal boundaries. You may want to research boundaries as well.

Because you’ve mentioned it, I can only imagine with the £12,000 loan and the £17,000 you are now paying back you are looking at your marriage a bit like a financial investment. I put this much in, I expect these things back sort of thing. And that now you are not getting back what you expected, you are wondering about your financial investment? You may have to live with the fact that your wife does not give a fig about your financial investment in her.


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## LostMyPath (Oct 4, 2011)

AFEH said:


> In my view you didn’t know her for three years before you were married, but you are getting to know her now, after you were married. Most significantly you are getting to know the negative emotional affects she has on you, the honeymoon is over sort of thing. You are responding to the negative affects by getting mad, angry and name calling and so you are in a very vicious circle.
> 
> You handle the negative affects better by improving your ego defence mechanisms (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/28845-defence-mechanisms-manning-up.html) and by establishing good personal boundaries. You may want to research boundaries as well.
> 
> Because you’ve mentioned it, I can only imagine with the £12,000 loan and the £17,000 you are now paying back you are looking at your marriage a bit like a financial investment. I put this much in, I expect these things back sort of thing. And that now you are not getting back what you expected, you are wondering about your financial investment? You may have to live with the fact that your wife does not give a fig about your financial investment in her.



"In my view you didn’t know her for three years before you were married, but you are getting to know her now, after you were married. "

No, i do know her, better than anyone who has known her all her life. she is just choosing to be this way because i stuck up for my self and told her that she was out of order when she did things wrong, BUT it could also be because of her age (she is just turning 20 this month, acts stubborn and immature at times, even though its kind of cute lol)

"Most significantly you are getting to know the negative emotional affects she has on you, the honeymoon is over sort of thing. You are responding to the negative affects by getting mad, angry and name calling and so you are in a very vicious circle."

I do not call her names, I do not get angry at her for no apparent reason unless she is in the wrong and yes i admit, her true colors are showing, but so are mine, and mine are, "i do anything in order to save our marriage, even if it means accepting something that i would have never accepted, EVER, whether im in the wrong or not" and hers are ("oh well, you didnt keep your mouth shut and just had to speak up for your self -after the argument it turns into guilt, admitance and the following : ive ****ed up so much, i cant do anything right, i give up-" Playing some sort of game?)

"You handle the negative affects better by improving your ego defense mechanisms"

I studies psychology for 5 years at college, right now, i do not have an ego, i have nothing but my wife, who is in a different country and al i am trying to do is make it last for another two months until i see her. so No.

"Because you’ve mentioned it, I can only imagine with the £12,000 loan and the £17,000 you are now paying back you are looking at your marriage a bit like a financial investment. I put this much in, I expect these things back sort of thing. And that now you are not getting back what you expected, you are wondering about your financial investment? You may have to live with the fact that your wife does not give a fig about your financial investment in her."

I mentioned the loan because it was a sign of one of the few things i do in order to make sure things run smoothly, putting in effort, planning things and just being "the provider" which i am.
Because, she seems to think that the fact that she is leaving her job at a burger joint in order to move in with me is some sort of reimbursement for all the mistakes she has made and ALSO all the sacrifices i have made? AND also, i did mention in the thread that the money is not a significance and that i would do it all over again, so i do not know why you just pick out what you like to comment on...


what exactly is your point? the logic behind my thread is that, i have put in so much effort into this relationship, and i get what exactly back? AND when ASK for SOMETHING back, or when i even try to explain how i feel, i get it all thrown back in my face, threatened to be left, told i am hated and not loved.

So how did i become the bad guy in this?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

LostMyPath, for me there are holes in what you are saying, they are all over the place. For example you say you are being the provider by borrowing £12,000. That is not being the provider. That is just putting you (and your wife?) in debt which has nothing to do with providing! It is the opposite of providing! You are in effect worse off than when you started!

And hey you reckon you don’t have an ego. So how come you got all upset and defensive about what I said? And how come you get mad at your wife? Each and every one of us has an ego!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

LostMyPath said:


> what exactly is your point? the logic behind my thread is that, i have put in so much effort into this relationship, and i get what exactly back? AND when ASK for SOMETHING back, or when i even try to explain how i feel, i get it all thrown back in my face, threatened to be left, told i am hated and not loved.
> 
> So how did i become the bad guy in this?


That’s your ego talking. Another expression for it is your selfishness. We all do things to get something in return, even people like Gandhi, the Darla Lama. We are all selfish, it just depends what we do with our selfishness. You are in a situation where you invested a lot of money and effort and judge you have put very much more in than what you are getting out. Don’t you think that rather strange? Especially so early in a marriage. But if you do think on these things as an investment, has your investment turned out to be a wise one?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You do angry and mad, right? Your wife knows you do angry and mad so when she wants to cop out of something (like admitting personal responsibility for something) she’ll just push a few of your buttons and you will do your angry and mad. And hey presto, it becomes all your fault!

The thing to learn is how to respond differently when your wife pushes one of your buttons. Humour, is for me at least, one of the very best responses. It is a mature ego defence mechanism. But first of all you will have to know, be aware of when the anger is rising inside of you. For that to happen you need to know how your emotions actually work, reading “Emotional Intelligence” is an excellent start. To be truly aware of yourself, have a read of Awareness by Anthony de Mello. He will help you understand your Me (your ego), how to observe it and how to help it change.

You will probably become aware that you are quite controlling “I did all this for you, I demand that you do that!”. And in part (she will have “faults” of her own) it’s that controlling aspect of your personality that your wife is responding to when she pushes one of your buttons designed to get an angry response from you.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Shes 20 years old. Shes got her own mind and her own life. I think you need to back off a bit. You are coming across as very paranoid and controlling. No you cant tell her what to wear! She lives in California for goodness sake she probably wears less on the beach! I honestly think you need to back off with the pressure or this is going to fail miserably. Take a deep breath. relax and stop with the controlling behaviour!


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