# Help...I need all your opinions



## chrs0111 (Jun 29, 2009)

My wife and I separated 6 months ago. I moved out and she stayed in the house until we sold it. We now each have our own place and have been "working" on things. However things have not really got any better. A big part of the problem is my family. They are so judgemental and difficult to get along with. They really make anyone that comes into the family feel like an outsider. They truly are dysfunctional...the ones I'm speaking of (not all)...and have really complicated things for us. Her and I certainly have our issues but the family has also contributed to it a fair amount. The problem is we can't sort out our isssues when there's always new ones being added on from the family. 
I'm torn because I would like to see it work but at the same time I want to set her free from all the pain and stress she has endured from my family.
We talked yesterday and decided it would be best for us to make the next move...whether that be divorce or a true legal separation. However we are both so sad about that and I think still so very confused. We both felt better after deciding what we did but then kissed, told each other we loved them and have been talking on the phone quite a bit. Help, I don't know what to do. It feels like a relief that we decided what we did but now I also feel so sad and wonder if I'll find someone as good as her in the future.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I don't understand why you are choosing these family members over her. You will never have a happy marriage if you continue to let these specific people poison your life. It's your job to protect her from people like this in your family by cutting them completely out of your life--doesn't matter who they are, you refuse to see them ever. Anyone who cannot accept that, is also gone from your circle. Have you tried this?


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## baissier (Jun 21, 2009)

agree. you shouldn't let your family get between you and your wife. it's your family, not her. She does not have to deal with your family. If it is causing so much problems, don't let your family have any contact with her. you need to protect her. You can spend time with your family but don't make her spend time with them. 

If you don't try hard, you will regret this and hate your family. You will also clearly have chosen your family over her. To keep the balance between your family and her..the no contact between the two are the best way if your family and she can't get better


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## Nobody (Apr 12, 2009)

:iagree: Although your side of the family may be dysfunctional, you should not allow them to make YOUR family dysfunctional! You love your wife? Then you stand up for her and protect her against these people. A marriage is between two people, and when it comes to working on your marital "issues", those are the only two people who should be working on them. Those *dysfunctional* members are obviously not there for support in any form and should not be included in your discussions, decisions or anything else!




chrs0111 said:


> and wonder if I'll find someone as good as her in the future.



You might, but I'm willing to bet that any future relationship(s) will likely turn out the same way!


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## chrs0111 (Jun 29, 2009)

Thanks for your responses so far. I know I need to protect her from them and I have gone to bat many times for her. I have withdrawn quite a bit from them and yet they still seem to find a way. My wife and I have both backed off but then we think things have gotten better and we start to move back in just a little bit...it starts all over again. When we don't see them...all we ever hear is "I'd like to see you every once in a while", "I never see from or hear from you" and so on and so forth. We try to do what we think is right and we still catch problems for backing off. 
They are so quick to judge her and/or I but yet the things they have done are just the same...I just don't get it. We aren't any different than anyone else. 
We have talked about moving away but yet I dont feel thats fair to her as her family is still here and we get along with them extraordinarily well. But the drama here never ends...backed off or not!!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Dysfunction only operates if you feed into it.

My ex-wifes family is off-the-grid dysfunctional. Their impact over the course of her life contributed heavily to the issues that affected us.
They treated her incredibly poorly, and what was worse, they _expected_ her to allow them to treat her incredibly poorly. They never did it when I was around. It bordered on sinister.

As the result of an incident involving our special needs son, we didn't see, or speak to them for over 2 years.
It's a matter of perspective. One of the best pieces of advice I can recall taking from counseling:
"You are not obligated to like your parents."
Parents are people. People have flaws. If those flaws impact your life in a negative way, you don't have to, nor should you put up with it.
All it usually takes is simply challenging the status quo for the interaction, or eliminate the opportunity for the interaction altogether.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

"No contact." Period. End of discussion. You don't answer the phone, read emails, open the door. Get restraining orders if necessary. Move if necessary--no joke. These people will ruin your life, and YOU ARE LETTING THEM. Nothing about them will change; only you can change. If you aren't willing to do this, then give up now. There is no "backing off," there is only "non-contact." And until you get the backbone to make that choice, your wife and your life will suffer. Your wife is following your lead, remember--she probably doesn't want to cut you off from your family completely if she knows that is not what YOU want. But it should be what you want. What on earth can be of value in the relationship anymore? Let go, be happy. Sometimes it's what one has to do.


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## chrs0111 (Jun 29, 2009)

Thanks for all your responses so far. Heres the latest...

I went away for the weekend two weeks ago while my wife stayed back. While I was gone my sister asked my wife to take her on our boat behind my back. My wife would not do it and my sister got pissed. My sister called her a "*****" and although she acted like she was joking, it was inappropriate. My wife had told me about this but we weren't going to say anything. Well my mom heard my wife talking with me about it and told my sister. My sister than approached me and stated she didn't ask and actually my wife offered. I believe my wife and have known my sister to do anything to cover up something she has done wrong. And now just as always as it happens in my family my sister has gone to my mom and sister-in-law and involved them. Now my mom is ignoring my wife and the drama goes on.

My dad had surgery approximately one month ago. When he had surgery everyone called him ahead of time, went to see him following surgery and called him every day thereafter. Now fast forward one month to this Monday and my wife had surgery. Noone called her ahead of time and only my dad called following the surgery. It's now Wednesday and still only my dad has called. It feels like noone cares and or they're playing games. I can't stand this anymore. Nor can my wife. We are trying hard to work on our marriage but things from the family keep coming up. 

We've been round and round with this and it never changes. Any advice would be appreciated...


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Chrs0111,

I've read your posts and the responses. I'm not an expert on dysfunctional families, although I believe all families have their own issues and peculiarites. Impossible not to since all people are individuals.

But if you say that when you have removed you and your wife from your family for a period of time that things improve between you and her, than that is your answer. The only way is to remove your family for some period of time. It also sounds like there are these little talks between people when others are not around. Maybe you just need to get your family all together and have a big blow out with your wife present. Stand up for her in front of all of them and tell them you love her, ask them what are their issues with you and her, and if we can't resolve them (not at that moment necessarily) or work to improve them then you aren't sure that there is any reason to stay as involved in the family as you have in the past.

Otherwise as someone said, even if you and your wife split up, and you find someone else you will be right back here again in the future.


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## chrs0111 (Jun 29, 2009)

You are absolutely right, there are all these little talks going on all the time. I can't stand it. Noone excepts anyone else for who they are. Instead they judge others and hold grudges. I can tell even when I talk to them on the phone that they are asking questions in regards to something they have talked about and want to find out more about. It's absolutely insane.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Its the little talks that lead to all of this. The secret bs that feeds the flames. My mother's family was somewhat dysfunctional with her being 1 of 10 kids.

I still remember that issues arose after my grandparents past about the whereabouts of certain items that went missing etc. But they never just got in a room and hashed it out. Caused some strife between them for years. Then out of the blue the uncle that caused it and did take them went to see my aunt and came clean and apologized. The next week he died. It was like he knew he was going to. Too bad it wasn't cleaned up before then. 

Heck maybe even suggest family counseling to get at the issues. Might do everyone good if they'd go.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

State your boundaries with your family and stick to it!

No contact, if you must. You must save your marriage. ANY interference from them isn't healthy. THEY will interfer in ALL of your relationships. The buck stops here.

Don't let the "little talk" get in the way. You must apply your boundaries and be consistent.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Agree with Corpuswife. It is like working with your child. You've got to set boundaries, let them know, and then stick with them. If you don't you get walked all over.


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## chrs0111 (Jun 29, 2009)

I definitely agree with your viewpoints and also agree that boundaries do need to be set. However what boundaries do you have in mind? I don't know what boundaries to set because I feel like everything is out of sorts...Again thanks to those who have taken the time to help me out with this.

P.S. Yet another day has gone by and I nor she has heard from any of my family...is this disrespectful or am I overreacting?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

The boundaries are whatever you and your wife agree upon! 


Your wifes surgery and no person cared to call.....uncaring. Does that surprise you? It sounds like some of the members can be petty.

All of this pettiness will ruin your marriage. Back away...let them know you are working on your marriage and may seem distant. Tell them what you need from them...."I feel like I need ____ from you, so that I can work on my marriage. I hope that you aren't offended in any way, but this is my priority."


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Again I agree with Corpus. You and your wife set the boundaries. Actually at this point I would ask your wife what she wants. Remember, she is the one in pain. But remember your dad did call. Thank him for that. You've always got to remember to reinforce good behavior as well. 

From your posts it seems that most of the issues come from your mother and sister and not your father. Maybe you should start by talking with him about the situation. If he is the only one, start there.

But remember to phrase things like Corpus said. Sometimes the nomenclature and the way you say things is just as important as what you say. No blame, etc. Just working on things.

Corpus, we do agree on a lot things -- hmmmmmmm. Too bad I haven't been able to communicate with my w like this. It would be a god send.

FA


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

"I'm torn because I would like to see it work but at the same time I want to set her free from all the pain and stress she has endured from my family".

You've got to get over the idea that YOUR family is going to be able to "work out" anything! 

If you do not side with your wife against *your dysfunctional family*, then you are totally at fault for the demise of your marriage. What they are doing is total BS and truly mean and sad.

*Either you stand up to your family like a man, or do her the FAVOR and cut her loose completely. * 

It is EASY: my dh had to do this with his MOTHER. She is a dysfunctional MESS and was getting between me and him...he knew what he had to do, and did it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

> P.S. Yet another day has gone by and I nor she has heard from any of my family...is this disrespectful or am I overreacting?


You are going through the same emotional arc I watched my ex go through.

She consistently had the expectation that her family would behave appropriately, or do the right thing. Of course, this is NEVER what happened.

What you need to get your head around, is that you don't want them to call to see how your wife is doing. What's the point? If they did, do you believe it would actually be out of valid concern? There is the way they are, and the way you want them to be.
If you were to call them out on not inquiring about your wife's health, all you will accomplish is simply filling your role in the dysfunction. By interacting with them, you enable the very behavior that is damaging you and your wife emotionally.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

OUTSTANDING, Deejo! Exactly!:smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## chrs0111 (Jun 29, 2009)

I just want to clarify that I have not just stood back and watched this happen. I have always gone to bat for her and that has resulted in some huge fights with my family. I have always stood up for her and always will. I have asked them several times to come to us if there is a problem instead of just talking to everybody else behind our back. They always agree when were talking about it but when it comes to actually doing it they are still doing the same bs they always have.

So are you saying not to ask them why they didn't call? To not call them out on it?

You're right about not the reason they didn't call...and I shouldn't want them to if they don't care. I was just hoping that they did in fact care and could express that. We have always been there for everybody in there times of need...what would make me want that in return? (sarcasm included).


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

chrs0111,


You are part of the problem. That is what Deejo was getting at, the enabling part. You are placing expectations on them and are expecting them to react like you want them to as comes out clearly in:

"I was just hoping that they did in fact care and could express that. We have always been there for everybody in there times of need...what would make me want that in return? (sarcasm included)."

When you start expecting less of them, things will improve. You know how they are, just assume they won't change and don't expect anything from them in return.


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## chrs0111 (Jun 29, 2009)

I certainly can lower my expectations...but what is so hard for me is that they make a big deal for others within the family when they are going through the same or similar things. It's almost expected and if I or another member doesn't call or check on then there becomes anger and resentment. So it's like they expect it for some but don't do it for others.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

It may be hard, but you must lower your expectations about what they do in return.


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

Dont let your family ruin your marriage. Ive been there..and the long road ahead of you isnt going to be an easy one. I started dating my Husband when I was 16, things went well with my mom and dad until they decided to move..once we moved, they started talkin down about him, not to his face. When he would come visit, its like, he was the perfect guy, but as soon as he would leave, their story would change. I finally got enough of it, and moved out when I turned 17, it made things worse, but we're 70 miles away from my parents, they still down talk him, even tho he is the father of our child. They always find something about him to down him about, weather it be the small house we live in, or the job he works, but I look at it this way, we are out on our own, and he does work and support his family, most guys his age (24) just wants to party, but hes a dedicated family man. 

Dont let your family ruin what you have. It seems you and your wife truely love one another, stand up to your family, be a man, grow a back bone. If it makes themselves feel better by talkin sh*t about someone else, then so be it, let them talk, just remember "Sticks and Stones". Your wife should be FIRST in your life, please her, not your family. Like its been mentioned in other posts, if you move on, you're only gonna be in the same boat you're in now later on down the line. Just throw out the bad seeds, change your number, move to a different location, change email address..just dont let your family ruin something that makes you happy. And as far as them not calling your wife before/after surgery, don't let that bother you, the less you expect from your family, the better off you and your wife will be.


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## chrs0111 (Jun 29, 2009)

I definitely do need to cut back or out. It's a shame, it should never be that way but unfortunately I can't control others. I do really love her and am really really happy with her when were not involved in this bs. 

Here's another story for you...
My wife made arrangements for her and I to get a couples massage on our one year anniversary. We had a great time together and following we went to brunch. My dad and mother-in-law ended up meeting us. The first thing he says to me with my wife standing right next to me was "Was she cute?" "Did her giving you the massage do anything for you?" My wife glared at him and then he said "We can talk about it later!" Incidents like this one really stick with her. She feels like they think she's not good enough for me.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Chrs...you HAVE to let go of expectations with your family. 

Set your boundaries and back off. Yes! It is difficult. You are making the choice between your family and wife. If they can PLAY nice, then you play with them.

Feeling Alone-Yep! We agree on alot of things. Lessons learned I suppose.


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