# Bad mommy moment !!!



## allowingthecakeeating (Mar 13, 2013)

Good morning! 
So my husband met with our 14 dd last night, she was very unhappy about meeting him. They have had a very strained relationship since he left.She is a pretty observant kid so unfortunately for him when he left she didn't buy that things were as bad as he says with lots of fighting, tension she didn't see it and she called him on it.
So the 8 months that he has been gone she will not go with him and although I repeatedly tell her to speak to him respectfully she has a tendency when I'm not around to ignore him and not answer his texts, phone calls, she also blocked him on Facebook. He had put her (among all my family and many other mutual friends) on a restricted status and she caught on to it. She got mad and decided to block him. Obviously a typical 14 year old move.*But he is dead set against her having any problem with him leaving" I've done nothing to you, there is no reason we can't continue a good relationship.......this is only between your mother and I." *He doesn't get it.*

So when they met last night he came down pretty hard on her. He told her she was disrespectful that she had issues with his family and he didn't like it and lots of other things....he set up a punishment for 2 weeks and then sent me a letter telling me to enforce it......one of the challenges is he took her phone away and that is how she and I communicate when she is walking home from school.She is in a play at school and has late practice I need to know where she is. Etc.I*am really peeved that he lays this all on me. He rarely ever followed through with the punishments we had at our house. She came home upset (she can be a drama queen) but the interesting thing is that she was saying so many of the things I would say after conversations with him (privately with friends and family), such as he's "acting like a victim, he acts like he has done nothing wrong and that he was justified leaving. He's blaming me for everything." These are all the things I have been saying for months to my IC ,friend, and family. Trust me, i have worked hard the last 2 years on some of the issues that I brought in the marriage. Such as anger during arguments, trying to be less scatterbrained, taking medication for ADHD among many other things. Last we can he told me for sure it was over. Now he seems to be concentrating on her because he can't get to me. But of course in his true passive aggressive self he still making me pay. I told her to just do it, close her mouth and get through it. I also told her some of the things she did was wrong,she can't disrespect him, she must answer text and phone calls. 

But here comes the bad mommy moment she was crying and I was really feeling very bad about her. She says he was yelling at her... Then I said something I've never said to any of my children, he just being an a--hole. OMG....how stupid was that!!!!!! so if course this morning when I took her phone away, she says he's being such a jerk. I tell her to stop. She says "mom, you can say anything"

Just great. Good going mom.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I would never punish my child for anything that was done at her biological fathers house. We were no longer trying to work together. I didn't agree with his parenting skills and I'm sure he didn't agree with mine. My ex h tries to have complete control of everyone around him. His parenting skills were so poor that the courts ordered completion of parenting class before visitation started.

I also don't believe in forcing children into going somewhere where they are dead set against. Children need to be heard and their opinions valued. If my child refused to see their father, I'd never punish them for it. There's a very good reason why they are not willing to go.

Don't beat yourself up over the mistake. Words slip out sometimes.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You are not a bad Mom, the a**hole comment just slipped out. If you've been holding your tongue for two years, my hat's off to you.
My 15 DD and STBXH aren't speaking and its been this way since he left 10 months ago. She will not respond to his texts, or any post he puts on FB, but that's the extent of his attempts. He hasn't even seen the kids in three months. She discovered his multiple online EA/sexting, and he totally blames her for everything. She didn't know of multiple PA's as well, but she found out after the fact. In one fight with her, he said "everything would be fine if you'd kept your mouth shut" She is having none of that and I am totally supporting her, but like you I have called her out on the disrespectful talk.
The punishment thing is tricky. Have you two ever discussed enforcement of punishments in the other's household? If not, he is being unreasonable, particularly when the phone is needed for safe communication. Sadly, you might have to talk to him and "change" the punishment to something else. Co-parenting is one thing, but he can't make rules for your household.


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## allowingthecakeeating (Mar 13, 2013)

She has so much anger...! I get it, but I do need to make sure it is directed the right way, as much as possible. She is in counseling etc... (The IC/MC told me she has it more together then the rest of us…and that she has figured her father out very accurately.) 
She was old enough to see that there were issues but it was nothing like he is saying now. We had a lot of good times even right before he left. HE IS REWRITING OUR HISTORY!! I think unfortunately for him, DD sees that I have made so many attempts to reconnect with him and make some pretty significant changes. DD expressed to me the other night that some of her frustration is that he has made no attempts to come back to us. Of course she lives with me… so she will see more, but she is dead on!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

That was not a bad mommy moment, she isnt 6, she is well aware of how her father is behaving. Dont beat yourself up over it. Also, if she does not wish to spend time with her dad, my suggestion is to NOT make her. He is responsible for his relationship with her, and if he constantly sabotages that, then thats his problem. I stopped seeing my dad when I was 16 or 17, and havent had a relationship with him since. That was my choice. He was nothing but a source of stress and discomfort to me, and I have the right to not have someone like that in my life. Same for her. My own daughter keeps going to her dad's out of guilt, she doesnt want to be there, but she goes. If she ever tells me that she is done, I will take the steps to change custody, etc, to honor her wishes. I dont ever make her go now, this is her choice for now, and I hate it because he makes her unhappy.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

you are an enabler and you are forging a larger divide between her and her father.

you are telling her to respect him, but you are acting the exact opposite. she can't use a friends phone to call you?

I see more than a bad mommy moment here.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

ATC529R said:


> you are an enabler and you are forging a larger divide between her and her father.
> 
> you are telling her to respect him, but you are acting the exact opposite. she can't use a friends phone to call you?
> 
> I see more than a bad mommy moment here.


?? Can you explain more please?


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

Left With 4.5 said:


> ?? Can you explain more please?


she's calling her dad an a hole........what would she expect the daughter to do?

how about explaining to her that her mom and dad are 2 different people with different viewpoints and parenting styles, but both share th common interest that they love their daughter and are trying to do whats right bu her?

he asked for ONE thing, and she makes excuses for not doing it and calls him an a hole for doing it.

and this is in a 30 second sound bite. no wonder the girl hates her dad! he's getting all the blame, and momy's there with a shoulder to cry on. total BS IMO.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

ATC529R said:


> she's calling her dad an a hole........what would she expect the daughter to do?
> 
> how about explaining to her that her mom and dad are 2 different people with different viewpoints and parenting styles, but both share th common interest that they love their daughter and are trying to do whats right bu her?
> 
> ...


My impression was that it slipped. From her post, it doesn't seem like she's ever said it before. 

She *did* take the phone away but was concerned that if something was to happen, her daughter wouldn't be able to contact her....yes, the daughter could borrow a friend's phone in an emergency, but who remembers phone numbers when everything is pre-programmed? 

Her daughter is 14. Teens these days form their own opinions and can figure a lot of stuff out themselves. My sons had figured out my ex's affair and confronted me with proof!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

At 14 the child has made up her mind regarding her father. Her mother most likely did not influence the situation. Something negative happened between the daughter and the father. Kids don't just stop seeing their parents for no reason. Especially by one slip up.

My ex treated my child very poorly. My child decided that she would continue to see her father, so she could have a relationship with her siblings. Her father talked really horrid about me telling my child what a worthless b*tch I was. Eventually he started calling his own daughter a worthless b*tch and called it quits. He shut her out for good. You never know what goes on. I never once talked about my child's father in front of her, I have absolutely nothing nice to say. My daughter knows her father cheats on his wife(he told her) and is abusive.


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## allowingthecakeeating (Mar 13, 2013)

Thanks ATC for your view. I posted this to get feedback good or bad. However, with that said that’s why I called it a “bad mommy moment”. I knew right away it was not appropriate and told her during the conversation. It just bums me out that this morning she reminded me!! To be honest I have gone out of my way to be more than accommodating to him over the last 8 months. Up until the last month he played me..... that he was coming home. Now, I know he is not. I have started to set boundaries and that is part of the problem. I really didn’t before. I wanted to be the wife he would want to come home too. However, what I did was WRONG and I wish I could fix it but I can’t. Just try not to do it again. Thanks


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I actually think enforcing his punishment is the wrong thing to do.

It's still an enabling act.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

allowingthecakeeating said:


> Thanks ATC for your view. I posted this to get feedback good or bad. However, with that said that’s why I called it a “bad mommy moment”. I knew right away it was not appropriate and told her during the conversation. It just bums me out that this morning she reminded me!! To be honest I have gone out of my way to be more than accommodating to him over the last 8 months. Up until the last month he played me..... that he was coming home. Now, I know he is not. I have started to set boundaries and that is part of the problem. I really didn’t before. I wanted to be the wife he would want to come home too. However, what I did was WRONG and I wish I could fix it but I can’t. Just try not to do it again. Thanks


I wish you all the best. you sound like a good mom...and not many people are willing or have the ability to see their mistakes and learn from them. whether it was a mistake (i.e. he is an a hole) I do not know....but it's good that you are looking @ it from the standpoint of being a better mom


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

You really need to stop badmouthing him and speaking badly of him to your daughter.

She's the one who will be hurt in the end by not having a relationship with him, and regardless of what he did to you, she's an innocent in all of this.

Rather than say "just close your mouth and respect him" and calling him an Ahole, speak about him only in positive ways.

Remember she's got half his DNA. When you bash him, you bash her.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

It slipped. Ive had many moments like that. Don't beat yourself up over this. I have a son who just turned 15 & I think he holds the most resentment. My two older ones deal with him.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

> She came home upset (she can be a drama queen) but the interesting thing is that she was saying so many of the things I would say after conversations with him, such as he's "acting like a victim, he acts like he has done nothing wrong and that he was justified leaving. He's blaming me for everything."


That's because she is picking these lines up from you.

I sense you have a tremendous amount of hostility towards your husband. I'm not saying it is underserved, I'm saying it spills over into your daughter's life as well. Something to be very mindful about - it will affect her future relationships as well as the one she had with her father.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why did you agree to enforce his punishment in your house? Parents with split custody (which it doesn't seem you even have) don't get to determine what happens in the other parent's home.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Openminded said:


> Why did you agree to enforce his punishment in your house? Parents with split custody (which it doesn't seem you even have) don't get to determine what happens in the other parent's home.


If they can work together in a supportive way to coparent the children, it's a heck of a lot better to have that consistency rather than each making their own arbitrary rules that the other parent doesn't follow.

In this case there appears to be alienating behavior and high conflict which may make that impossible at least for now.

It tends to get better as the anger abates over time.


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## allowingthecakeeating (Mar 13, 2013)

Great question! I just assume that’s what you do. Support each other when it comes to the children and behavior issues. Also, she can have an attitude and it can be very disrespectful. 

What I got upset about is that she as crying so much that he was coming down so hard on her and critizing so many things. Which has been a real pattern for him in the lasy year! He is lashing out on everybody. She is this beautiful blonde 14 year old girl. She plays softball, gets all A's and B's in school. Works with me every Thursday serving meals and running a pre-school class at our church for 3 years. (all on her own!) Never has been in trouble at school or with friends.....always is where she is supposed to be. I check her Facebook, instagram and texts constantly. But yes she can have an attitude. My husband grew up in an environment with three brothers and a VERY controlling mother. They were never to have an opinion let alone disagree with a parent. I think he has become so hard on her and it is frustrating. 

But with all that said.... I should not have voiced it. 
Thanks everyone!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Same thing here. He was yelling so much at the 14 (15) yr old it was like he could do nothing right. I had to step in so many times to diffuse the situation it was ridiculous. He still has an attitude toward his father. WH commented a few weeks ago that he would like more than a one word answer from him when texts him. When I asked my son about it his response was "he never tried to have a conversation with me when he lived here why should I try now"


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

allowingthecakeeating said:


> Great question! I just assume that’s what you do. Support each other when it comes to the children and behavior issues. Also, she can have an attitude and it can be very disrespectful.
> 
> What I got upset about is that she as crying so much that he was coming down so hard on her and critizing so many things. Which has been a real pattern for him in the lasy year! He is lashing out on everybody. She is this beautiful blonde 14 year old girl. She plays softball, gets all A's and B's in school. Works with me every Thursday serving meals and running a pre-school class at our church for 3 years. (all on her own!) Never has been in trouble at school or with friends.....always is where she is supposed to be. I check her Facebook, instagram and texts constantly. But yes she can have an attitude. My husband grew up in an environment with three brothers and a VERY controlling mother. They were never to have an opinion let alone disagree with a parent. I think he has become so hard on her and it is frustrating.
> 
> ...


One of my family members has a joint custody situation and they each make their own rules and enforce them. In their own home. Not in the other parent's home unless it's something that's thoroughly discussed and *both *parents are fully on board with every aspect of the decision.

Doesn't sound like that was the case here.


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## allowingthecakeeating (Mar 13, 2013)

No, it wasn't. I knew he was going to talk to her, but not have me enforce a punishment he dictated. 
But now I see he was really mad at me also, I would not join the conversation and mediate again. I need to start setting boundries with him. I took care of most issues in our home/family and now he wants out so he has to do this on his own. She has the problem with him and vice versa. I don't call him when she is being sassy!! I take care of it. He expressed to me in MC at one point that I get in the middle of his relationship with the children. So have at it. He blindsided me with the punishment....uggh.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

allowingthecakeeating said:


> No, it wasn't. I knew he was going to talk to her, but not have me enforce a punishment he dictated.
> But now I see he was really mad at me also, I would not join the conversation and mediate again. I need to start setting boundries with him. I took care of most issues in our home/family and now he wants out so he has to do this on his own. She has the problem with him and vice versa. I don't call him when she is being sassy!! I take care of it. He expressed to me in MC at one point that I get in the middle of his relationship with the children. So have at it. He blindsided me with the punishment....uggh.


Don't let him make you part of his problem.


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