# The whole thermostat thing...



## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

So, does turningd down the thermostat work when the colder person simply just isnt a warmer person?

I (husband) and the warmer one. All the traits are there, and growmning frusterated with my efforts. Even read the MMSL and that didnt help much.

So, if turning it down doesnt cause a change in warmth in the other spouse, whats left? Divorce? I feel like either I have grown to know what I need in a relationship, or I just settled before and got married to a person that at the time I didnt know was what I didnt want.

I simply cant continue on feeling like I am being cheated out of the life I deserve.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i turned it way down about a year ago. if nothing else, i feel better about myself. i feel more in control of me. i can say i have seen some improvement from wife. i have now settled in to the new me, and i like it. 

it is about controlling your own emotions and it makes me feel more in control and less dependent on her for anything. i think about most things without thinking about how it might affect her, its liberating


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

It helps in a lot of areas. As okeydokie mentions, it helps reduce resentment. You can also now focus on yourself, as opposed to spending all that time on your wife. You do need to make clear if she asks what you are doing and why. It is not about being passive aggressive or a jerk - it is about taking care of your needs because she is not.

It also helps give your partner space. Some people feel smothered by the warmer partner, causing them to pull away. Giving them space allows them to reach out to you.

Finally, it can allow her to contribute. For example, if you always do the dishes, it becomes easy for your partner to take it for granted. If you pull back and leave some around, it allows your partner to contribute. They appreciate what you do for them more when they do it to. Remember, people appreciate things more when they have to work for them. Give her a chance to give something to the relationship.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I don't believe in any of these games .......just talk and communicate maybe I'm just lucky but that has never failed me in any part of my life work, play, kids, wife etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, I am so not the person to ask. If your partner is not willing to meet basic sexual needs, then you need to move on.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

OhGeesh said:


> I don't believe in any of these games .......just talk and communicate maybe I'm just lucky but that has never failed me in any part of my life work, play, kids, wife etc.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


not a game imho, its changing ones own behavior to make oneself happier. communication and talking did nothing to address the issues in my marriage.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

OG,
Your style works well for you. 

To be fair I only frost darling when she is being mean to me. 

As for sex - I am fairly direct - the phrase I use when I've reached my limit is "babe I am dying" with a smile. And she knows that means she has gotten distracted by life so she always says "I am all over it". But - very large caveat here: I don't say that until day 5. If I said that every day or every other day she would not be ok with that. Because that is not a normal level of initiation for us. That is the "absent being sick there is only one answer to that phrase"




QUOTE=OhGeesh;737976]I don't believe in any of these games .......just talk and communicate maybe I'm just lucky but that has never failed me in any part of my life work, play, kids, wife etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Minn,
Does she truly want to be with you?
What specifically did you change behaviorally to deprioritize her?



UOTE=Minncouple;737243]So, does turningd down the thermostat work when the colder person simply just isnt a warmer person?

I (husband) and the warmer one. All the traits are there, and growmning frusterated with my efforts. Even read the MMSL and that didnt help much.

So, if turning it down doesnt cause a change in warmth in the other spouse, whats left? Divorce? I feel like either I have grown to know what I need in a relationship, or I just settled before and got married to a person that at the time I didnt know was what I didnt want.

I simply cant continue on feeling like I am being cheated out of the life I deserve.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

Well, I am not all traits on the list, but definately the warmer one.

Basically I am the one with the higher sex drive and thus always frusterated. Thus, my communication with her drops and I basically stop providing her with the items/things she needs to want to have sex with me. I knwo, its a vicious circle, but I ahve simply put so much effort into trying the be what she wants, I have become resentful.

I feel like we each should do our parts to meet in the middle, I get the feeling she feels like she should have her needs met, then... when she feels like it..... will meet mine. I wont stand for that type of tactic. The result is the resentment. 

I think our biggest issue is the difference in sex desires. I just cant keep being the one who does all the work. I stopped all together making the moves about a year ago. I just feel to rejected all the time.

I am a pretty quite/silent type guy, but not a push over. I stand my ground on things that arent right, but also keep alot of things inside me. Thus, the silent lack of communucation comes in.

SImply so frusterated with this and starting to see that we may never be on the same wave length with sex. I am too young to spend the rest of my life so angry and frusterated from lack of sex. 

I think after about 2 years of this, I have lost all attraction for my wife. It is amaxing how powerfull resentment is and what it can do to a relationship.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Yeah resentment just eats away at a marriage, at every level.

I agree with the comments folks have made about the purpose of turning down the thermostat. Have you filled your life with something you enjoy doing? Perhaps take up a sport, join a club of some kind, take some classes... anything you love and like to pursue. I honestly believe that focusing your energies into positive ways also help you deal with the resentment and the state of your marriage as a whole.

OP I'm not familiar with all the details of your situation, but have you been to therapy? Have you tried reading some books together as a couple?


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Minn,
Have you stopped saying "I love you"? I don't mean stopped saying it "first", I mean have you entirely stopped saying it? Before giving up - this will generally get the message across:

*Words of affirmation*
The way you stop the "talk is cheap" problem is to have a short conversation: 
"Talking is fine, except when talking replaces doing. And that has happened to us and is not acceptable to me. So we need to stop using that as a crutch. Until we are in a good place, lets stop with the ILYs and actually prioritize each other". 

*Gifts*
We need to stop "spending money" as a way to try and "have fun" with each other. If we can't have fun together playing frisbee in the park, we need to fix that if we can. This also means gifts - at this point - getting a gift from you just makes me realize how the things that really matter to me can't be bought"

*Acts of service*
Determine what your "half" of the mechanics of marriage should be. Make a list. Do that list and do it well without being asked. If you DO get asked to do extra stuff, tell her that you feel you are doing your share already - and then be quiet. If she convinces you otherwise - fine - if not - don't budge. 

*Quality Time*
Stop initiating. If she wants to spend time with you, spend time with her. But if her idea of quality time is you taking her on a "date" - don't do that. Let me be very clear on this point. A "date" in western society is generally part of a "man putting his female partner" first. This is a bad thing to do with a partner who is taking your for granted. 

Gee - whats left. Oh yeah - the thing that men most care about. Touch, sex. STOP initiating that too. If she wants a hug - hug her back. If she initiates sex - ok. 

If she TEASES YOU and then shoots you down - you need to be direct about how that is abusive and unacceptable and if it continues the marriage will rapidly end. There are certain emotionally toxic behaviors that simply need to be acknowledged as such. This is DEFINITELY one of them. 

When you stop doing the first 4 things - you will quickly find out whether your wife loves YOU or simply sees you as a "prop" to make her life easier. 






Minncouple said:


> Well, I am not all traits on the list, but definately the warmer one.
> 
> Basically I am the one with the higher sex drive and thus always frusterated. Thus, my communication with her drops and I basically stop providing her with the items/things she needs to want to have sex with me. I knwo, its a vicious circle, but I ahve simply put so much effort into trying the be what she wants, I have become resentful.
> 
> ...


----------



## LFC (Jul 14, 2010)

Is she the jealous type,have you done The MAP


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You can turn down the thermostat or do the 180 but some people so take others so much for granted that they think they’ll always be there no matter what they do or don’t do.


Very much like a child with a parent.


Sometimes it’s not until we lose something or someone that we truly appreciate what we had. My mum and dad’s marriage was very long, getting on for sixty years and it was pretty good but it wasn’t until my dad had been passed away for ten years that my mum truly came to appreciate the man he was, the love he had for her and what he did for her.


I thought that was very sad. Most especially for my dad as her true appreciation did him no good once he was gone.


My wife is much the same. She misses the life she had with me and readily admits, now, that I did a lot more for her than she did for me. But after I long while trying, my door is now truly closed to her although given the right approach I’ll give her the codes to get in.


And yet she is the one with conditions! Some people never learn and change no matter what you do.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

^ What I was trying to say is that you may have to divorce your wife before she’ll wake up.

Even then it may never happen.

But at least you’ll know you were in a morgue working on a corpse!


----------



## LFC (Jul 14, 2010)

I should take my own advice as my wife is exactly the same .


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> I don't believe in any of these games .......just talk and communicate maybe I'm just lucky but that has never failed me in any part of my life work, play, kids, wife etc.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't see it as a game so much as aligning actions with words to achieve clearer communication. When we say one thing but do another, you introduce confusion as to meaning. That allows the other person to select a meaning different than what you actually intended (and far to often, what that other person wants to hear).

I will repeat a personal example. I like to eat pork for dinner, while my wife generally hates it. Despite me repeatedly asking for it, she almost never serves it (she is a SAHM who handles 98% of the dinners). So is it a big issue because she ignores me? Not really, because my actions make clear that it is not a big deal - I still do all the things I normally do because it really is not a big deal. My words and actions do not align, allowing my wife to choose the one she wants - in this case she correctly pays attention to my actions. If it (or something else) is a actually big deal, I work to align my actions with my words to avoid misreading (and my wife tends to do the same). 

Not a game, but a way to improve communication.


----------

