# Trouble with partner's sexual past



## Rosie7 (Apr 12, 2021)

I have struggled with my husband's sexual past for almost 15 years and I'm wondering if there is anyone out there who has fought a similar battle and would willing to talk privately about it. I understand that this is an unpopular opinion, but I waited until marriage to have sex, but my husband didn't and it has caused me a lot of pain of jealously, comparison, and not feeling special. You can save the judgement about how I'm a terrible person for marrying him when I knew about his past, or how insecure I am, or how "the past doesn't matter." I've heard it all over the last 15 years and I'm sadly still looking for someone who understands what I'm going through. I feel very alone.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Well, what can we say?

If you want a shoulder to cry on, you'll probably find one here.

What will that gain you? You've already told us not to respond with any advice that might actually, you know, solve the problem. At this point, it sounds like only the help of a professional might be useful. There is absolutely nothing your husband can do except reassure you that he is satisfied, but that too doesn't sound like it would be enough. This is a problem only you can solve for yourself. Search here for "retroactive jealousy" for similar threads.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

So, you waited, he didn't.

I get it.

Are you feeling that mid-life crisis?

Do you feel cheated by having kept yourself chaste from the beginning?

Would the ends justify the mean truth if you somehow caught up with his partner-numbers.....employing some underhanded means?

I see resentment growing in your marriage.

Is it's source (merely) his pre-marital dalliances.

Or, is it general discontent with him?

What would make you happy?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Have you tried getting counseling to work through your feelings?

You must realize that your emotions on this are irrational.

That doesn't mean they aren't important and need to be worked through.

How has he treated you? Is he a good husband?


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Rosie7 said:


> I waited until marriage to have sex, but my husband didn't and it has caused me a lot of pain of jealously, comparison, and not feeling special.


Has your husband brought up his previous sexual encounters in a way that makes it likely he longs for his single days? Do you think he still has thoughts about the other women? 

All I can tell you, from my own experience, is that if a woman from his past is mentioned from time to time, he may still have feelings for her.


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Rosie7 said:


> I have struggled with my husband's sexual past for almost 15 years and I'm wondering if there is anyone out there who has fought a similar battle and would willing to talk privately about it. I understand that this is an unpopular opinion, but I waited until marriage to have sex, but my husband didn't and it has caused me a lot of pain of jealously, comparison, and not feeling special. You can save the judgement about how I'm a terrible person for marrying him when I knew about his past, or how insecure I am, or how "the past doesn't matter." I've heard it all over the last 15 years and I'm sadly still looking for someone who understands what I'm going through. I feel very alone.


Hey. Sorry to hear that you're feeling down. 
In my marriage, my husband and I never talked to each other about our pasts. He knows I've had a couple of relationships before him and he assumes, but doesn't know how many partners I've had. I've also never given him those details. Nor do I know how many partners he's had. He did get into detail once about the 'most beautiful girl he ever got' was a one night stand on a train. I don't know why he did it; I was pretty pissed about that. 

I don't think you're a terrible person for deciding to marry him, we make mistakes, we're human. BUT, you shouldn't feel the need to compare yourself to anyone in his past. They're in the past for a reason, evidently they weren't good enough for him to marry. That's how I look at it. I know what you mean though, I've had my own insecurities in the past, but I actually went for individual counseling before I got married, and that helped a lot.  Maybe it'll help you too. 

I'd hate to see this marriage end over women of his past that don't hold a candle to you.
Also, has your husband given you details about his encounters? I sure hope not, I would think that's a pretty insensitive thing to do.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

A therapist is what you need. Determine what triggers your feelings and the best ways to deal with them. I assume there are many people who have and are dealing with the same situation and similar feelings. A good therapist will be the best help in working through and coming to terms with your feelings. 

As far as you not feeling special. Well your husband chose you and was willing to wait until marriage for sex with you. That is not all that common, so obviously there was something he found extra special with you, there is no other conclusion you can come to when looking at it objectively.


----------



## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

Rosie7 said:


> I have struggled with my husband's sexual past for almost 15 years and I'm wondering if there is anyone out there who has fought a similar battle and would willing to talk privately about it. I understand that this is an unpopular opinion, but I waited until marriage to have sex, but my husband didn't and it has caused me a lot of pain of jealously, comparison, and not feeling special. You can save the judgement about how I'm a terrible person for marrying him when I knew about his past, or how insecure I am, or how "the past doesn't matter." I've heard it all over the last 15 years and I'm sadly still looking for someone who understands what I'm going through. I feel very alone.



i can think of two places youll get good advice for your standpoint. A therapist, and a priest. A therapist will hear, understand, and advise your position without judgement, and a priest will agree with you waiting until marriage to have sex, and will be able to lend advice from a point of complete understanding. Getting commentary from eople who simply will not ty to understand your standpoint will only make you feel worse.
i would think this goes without saying, but some therapists and some priests are shady characters so feel them out before taking their advice. Any good, ethical person will give you the best advice they can.


----------



## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

PS The past DOES matter. Saying otherwise, thats just something people who want their past indiscretions forgotten say.
Whether its justified or not, forgiven or not, the past matters. Always.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Rosie7 said:


> I have struggled with my husband's sexual past for almost 15 years and I'm wondering if there is anyone out there who has fought a similar battle and would willing to talk privately about it. I understand that this is an unpopular opinion, but I waited until marriage to have sex, but my husband didn't and it has caused me a lot of pain of jealously, comparison, and not feeling special. You can save the judgement about how I'm a terrible person for marrying him when I knew about his past, or how insecure I am, or how "the past doesn't matter." I've heard it all over the last 15 years and I'm sadly still looking for someone who understands what I'm going through. I feel very alone.


Rosie, I see this is your first post. May I suggest that you spend some time reading posts, learn the personality of the forum, identify who the most helpful posters are, brace yourself for tough love, and then post your concerns here? The forum is anonymous. You might be better off getting a group opinion than you would with private communications with one or two people. Whatever your husband did, I seriously doubt it will surprise anyone here. Just a thought for you to consider.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Rosie7 said:


> I have struggled with my husband's sexual past for almost 15 years and I'm wondering if there is anyone out there who has fought a similar battle and would willing to talk privately about it. I understand that this is an unpopular opinion, but I waited until marriage to have sex, but my husband didn't and it has caused me a lot of pain of jealously, comparison, and not feeling special. You can save the judgement about how I'm a terrible person for marrying him when I knew about his past, or how insecure I am, or how "the past doesn't matter." I've heard it all over the last 15 years and I'm sadly still looking for someone who understands what I'm going through. I feel very alone.


@Rosie7,

I understand that if both of you had waited until marriage to have sex, then there would be a very unique and special bond that you were both each others' one and only. That is truly a very special thing to be able to share! And yet that is not reality. That's not what happened. 

So it seems to me that your struggle is partially with accepting reality as it truly is...and partially with your own feelings of "..._jealousy, comparison, not feeling special_" (using your own words) which is actually an issue within you. You feel alone because in reality you are alone...no one else is in your skin, in your head, or you, and thus no one else will have been through what you've been through nor thought or felt what you think and feel. 

So I'm going to make a suggestion to you: Let's talk about facing reality. Here are a few steps you can take to help you face what really, truly did happen and is now in the past and no longer your present:

1. Acknowledge what you are resisting. What is it that you are not wanting to face? That he was a sexual being before you? That he enjoyed sex without you? What? Be as specific as you can about what you have an issue with.

2. Take ownership of your needs. Our needs are an expression of who we are. Here you want to be asking yourself what it is that you actually need that's being met by denying reality. What need is not being met? Again, be as specific as possible with yourself. Then, whatever need you've chosen as the one that's not being met...ask yourself how YOU are going to meet that need. See, having a need met is not something you put on other people--that is controlling and forceful. Nope, you want to own caring for your own needs. So if you need reassurance...HOW ARE YOU GOING TO REASSURE YOURSELF? 

3. Accept reality. Ask yourself: "Can I stop (mentally) complaining or wishing – and just allow the situation *to be as it is*?" I personally don't like to call it "accepting reality" because that sounds so nebulous to me. I think of it as "Relaxing with it." Here is reality--can I relax with that? That doesn't mean you have to "like it" or stop working to improve, but rather it just means that this IS what IS. The past is just that: PAST. It WAS... 

Beware of what I call "Spiritual Avoidance"--which is avoiding meeting your needs in an attempt to appear "spiritual." Spiritual avoidance often sounds like this: "Oh I need reassurance that I'm lovable but that's selfish, and being seflish isn't spiritual, so I am going to pretend I don't really need this so I can look spiritual even if that's not how I actually feel." If you spiritually avoid your needs, they don't disappear! They just fester! So again, be real with yourself. Your needs are what you need. "Relaxing with" what IS should somewhat soothe the intenseness of the need... but don't force yourself to settle when there are things you can do better.

4. Take action. Think about your need/s that are not being met – and take action to make yourself more comfortable. It can be a physical action (do something) or a mental action (think/feel something). So take physical action to meet your need ON YOUR OWN, and if there's not an obvious way to meet your need, get creative. If you decide you NEED a hug and there is no one around and they are on a trip for a week...be creative. How can you take care of that need by a physical action? Hug a pillow? Hug a teddy bear? (For years I had a huge teddy bear I took to bed because being in bed alone felt so sad.) Or take mental action and realize you can't change the situation and surrender. Choose to change your thoughts about the issue and fully allow whatever is bothering you to just “BE” without resisting it. If you decide you NEED reassurance and there is no one around and they are on a trip for a week...be creative. How can you take care of that need by a mental action? You could tell yourself something encouraging out loud (hey they're gone for a week...why not?) so you can change your own thoughts. You can recognize that feelings "come and go" and just sit down and wait for this one to pass. You can check in and see if feel this way because of HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired).


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Rosie7 I feel that private messages about such intimate matters might not be a good option. Best keep it on the forums.


----------



## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

@Rosie7 

I agree with the other commenters that individual counseling is key here. I think you may be confusing this feeling of jealousy with having personal insecurities and/or self-worth issues. Counseling will give you the tools to feel worthy and special. Our spouses can only do so much to affirm love and attraction but you would be able to receive that affirmation if you dont believe it yourself. 

I have a feeling you would be feeling this way even if your husband saved himself for marriage and you would be comparing non-sexual history. Phsycologytoday.com is an awesome resource to find a therapist to help you with this.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I can totally get where you are coming from. For you and some others sex is very special and something saved for a very special person who commits to you in marriage. I am the same way, and in a sense your struggles show us that in important things like this we do need to marry someone who shares the same values. Your husband not only didn't share these values but was ok with a one night stand on a train so his values were the complete opposite of yours. 

Ok so you decided to marry him anyway, so you are now needing to try and have peace about this. I would suggest that you work on forgiving him for what he did in the past and being thankful for what you have now.

Hopefully he doesn't bring up past women or sexual encounters , or make you feel 'less than' at all. I hope he does all he can to reassure you that he loves you and wants no one else.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Rosie7 said:


> I have struggled with my husband's sexual past for almost 15 years and I'm wondering if there is anyone out there who has fought a similar battle and would willing to talk privately about it. I understand that this is an unpopular opinion, but I waited until marriage to have sex, but my husband didn't and it has caused me a lot of pain of jealously, comparison, and not feeling special. You can save the judgement about how I'm a terrible person for marrying him when I knew about his past, or how insecure I am, or how "the past doesn't matter." I've heard it all over the last 15 years and I'm sadly still looking for someone who understands what I'm going through. I feel very alone.


Go get some counseling. Sounds like you knew this was the deal, there is nothing you can do. You married him - 15 YEARS AGO. 

Or you can end your marriage and try to have more experiences.

_*By the way I want to point out when a guy post something like this, the tone of responses here are very different.*_


----------



## Rosie7 (Apr 12, 2021)

I have been in therapy for 4 years to help with this. I have seen almost a dozen counselors, some were kind but just couldn't understand why my partner's past bothers me and others who flat out told me my feelings were invalid and irrational, like @ConanHub. I don't think my feelings of wanting to have a unique and special sexual connection with my husband that no other partner has had with him is irrational. This is why I feel alone. I have had no friends who have experienced this. The resources I have read online have not been helpful or don't fit my experience. Every forum I've posted on over the years have shamed me for valuing waiting til marriage because no one waits anymore or shamed me for marrying my husband when I knew his past bothered me. I love my husband, I want to be happy with him and I want to feel close to him. I just want to find ONE person to talk to who understands these feeling of jealously and won't give me the tropes of "his past doesn't matter because he's with you now," "you should be thankful that he's only slept with one other person," "he waited for you, so that should be special," or "you need to get over it." This "advice" doesn't help. It just reaffirms to me that I am alone in valuing sex the way i do and no one gets this feeling. I want to actually talk to someone who has gone through this journey.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Rosie7 said:


> I have been in therapy for 4 years to help with this. I have seen almost a dozen counselors, some were kind but just couldn't understand why my partner's past bothers me and others who flat out told me my feelings were invalid and irrational, like @ConanHub. I don't think my feelings of wanting to have a unique and special sexual connection with my husband that no other partner has had with him is irrational. This is why I feel alone. I have had no friends who have experienced this. The resources I have read online have not been helpful or don't fit my experience. Every forum I've posted on over the years have shamed me for valuing waiting til marriage because no one waits anymore or shamed me for marrying my husband when I knew his past bothered me. I love my husband, I want to be happy with him and I want to feel close to him. I just want to find ONE person to talk to who understands these feeling of jealously and won't give me the tropes of "his past doesn't matter because he's with you now," "you should be thankful that he's only slept with one other person," "he waited for you, so that should be special," or "you need to get over it." This "advice" doesn't help. It just reaffirms to me that I am alone in valuing sex the way i do and no one gets this feeling. I want to actually talk to someone who has gone through this journey.


Dear, you clearly are irrational to knowingly marry a man whose past you are holding against him and feeling so negative about. It's like ordering steak at a restaurant when you are a practicing vegetarian.

Your feelings are important though and you do need to work through them in a healthy way.


----------



## CrazyGuy72 (Apr 2, 2021)

I only had one partner, my wife had others, I don't know how many. I could not care less about her past. It's what is going on now and for many years. (I am in a sexless marriage) All that matters is that he is faithful to you now and your needs are met. The grass is always greener on the other side. Many people regret not having more partners, others regret they had too many. What matters is now.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. Do you want to get better? If so, maybe your counselor needs to go because they obviously can't help you.

Retroactive jealousy is a real condition usually experienced by men after they usually found out their wives had a past they didn't know about.

I'm just curious why you married him when you knew he couldn't change his past and it hurts you so much?


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Have you looked in to cognitive behavioral therapy? From what little I know of clinical psychology, this is about the only method that has a snowball's chance in hell of changing how you think about something rather than feed your need for a suitable support group in which you can wallow in your unhappiness - as if 15 years of it hasn't been enough. It will require effort on your part, but as none of us has a time machine to go back and stop you from marrying your husband, it might be your only hope.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> Retroactive jealousy is a real condition usually experienced by men after they usually found out their wives had a past they didn't know about.


@Rosie7, I was going to suggest that you learn about retroactive jealousy, if you're not already familiar with it. It sounds to me like you are consumed by it. Unfortunately, a lot of people here who haven't experienced it will minimize it. As Conan says, it's real. It's painful, and it's hard to overcome. I've struggled with it myself. It comes and goes. It really does help to understand what it is so that you will have a better idea how to cope with it.


----------



## Manner1067 (Feb 22, 2021)

Rosie7 said:


> I have been in therapy for 4 years to help with this. I have seen almost a dozen counselors, some were kind but just couldn't understand why my partner's past bothers me and others who flat out told me my feelings were invalid and irrational, like @ConanHub. I don't think my feelings of wanting to have a unique and special sexual connection with my husband that no other partner has had with him is irrational. This is why I feel alone. I have had no friends who have experienced this. The resources I have read online have not been helpful or don't fit my experience. Every forum I've posted on over the years have shamed me for valuing waiting til marriage because no one waits anymore or shamed me for marrying my husband when I knew his past bothered me. I love my husband, I want to be happy with him and I want to feel close to him. I just want to find ONE person to talk to who understands these feeling of jealously and won't give me the tropes of "his past doesn't matter because he's with you now," "you should be thankful that he's only slept with one other person," "he waited for you, so that should be special," or "you need to get over it." This "advice" doesn't help. It just reaffirms to me that I am alone in valuing sex the way i do and no one gets this feeling. I want to actually talk to someone who has gone through this journey.


I married when I was 30, and my wife was 32. While I had a sex life before her, it was almost entirely within the bounds of long-term-relationships in which there was mutual affection and/or love. I had 6-7 lovers before her, and no one-night-stands, threesomes, visiting sex workers, etc. 

My wife had like 12-15 partners before me, and in her first couple years of college, had some one-night-stands. To some people that isn't a huge number, but to others it is promiscuous. 

The number of lovers wasn't a really big deal to me, but the one-night-stands bother me a LOT. Some arguments have erupted over that within the last couple of years, even though we have been married a while. My feelings were not jealousy. They amounted to disgust and disappointment, and a perception that I was punished for being a "good guy". Some factors:

1. When we were dating, we didn't have sex until almost 2 months in. It was like 6-7 dates at least, and I was fine with that. Really liked her and was willing to take it slow. In later years I find out about the one-night-stands, and say to myself "so I was the nice guy who had to wait while the hot dudes she picked up at parties got no-strings-attached sex on the first date? What does that say about me"? There is a saying "women make rules for nice guys and break rules for hot guys". 

and while my wife tried to explain all of this by saying "I was young and stupid, and didn't do that after my first couple years of college", etc. it didn't do much to make me feel better.

2. Even though my wife and I practiced safe sex when we were dating (I always tried to be responsible), I later found out that she pretty much didn't use condoms with previous lovers. Again, "girls break rules for hot guys" --no condom? Doesn't matter if the dude is hot.

so while you feel jealous, or may feel you don't measure up to your husbands previous lovers, my feelings were humiliation and disgust. 

so this isn't something you need to feel bad about or let people gaslight you on. These are legitimate emotions.

in my case, I had to let it go, because staying angry over this stuff was going to wreck my marriage, and I have a very good marriage. Having some therapist try to turn everything around on me, and make me feel like some chauvanist or misogynist because my wife's sexual past bothers me would not have helped --it would have made things much worse. I have standards for myself and others, and that is the way it is.

were there particular aspects of your husband's prior sex life that were especially problematic?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Congratulations on bagging a husband who is so damn good that in 15 years of marriage, all you can come up with to be unhappy about is things that happened before he married you. Bravo to THAT guy.

You’ve been working on this retroactive jealousy for years, with 4 professionals.
Your feelings are real. That doesn’t make them rational. 

There is no possible way to help a person overcome irrational jealousy any more than there is an irrational fear, irrational greed, or 
Irrational anything. By definition it is unfixable. 

I hope you realize this is all in your head and you’ve chosen to hang on to it rather than let it go. What is someone going to tell you to do, even someone that has the same problem?

Do you believe in Jesus? So turn this irrational fear over to Him. He is truly the o it person that can take this from you. I assume you’ve prayed about this for many years. It’s still there. Surely you realize its you that won’t let go of this or it would have been taken away. I really do believe that. 
why can’t you let go? What are you afraid of? Does it give you a reason to dislike your husband?

I wish you all the luck in the world learning how to accept that nobody can change the past. Wish I had better advice. I think finding out what you’re getting from dwelling on this is the key to letting it go.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Maybe you just need something to be mad about that can’t be changed.
This isn’t about him, it’s about you.

The fact that all those other places gave you the same advice that you will get here should make you stop and think about it .....
your a quack ..... get over it. Apparently even years of therapy can’t do the trick. What do you what .... a sign from God ?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anyone who shames you for wanting to wait for marriage is just wrong. There are many like you who do still wait believe me.


Mr.Married said:


> Maybe you just need something to be mad about that can’t be changed.
> This isn’t about him, it’s about you.
> 
> The fact that all those other places gave you the same advice that you will get here should make you stop and think about it .....
> your a quack ..... get over it. Apparently even years of therapy can’t do the trick. What do you what .... a sign from God ?


I don't think it's about only her, it's about 2 people who shouldn't have got married getting married. People who had very different values.


----------



## Rosie7 (Apr 12, 2021)

Wow, the judgement in this community is unreal considering that I gave little context to the work I have put into my relationship and my history with my husband other than I struggle with his past. I was only looking for others who have experienced something similar, so if this is not you, take your negativity elsewhere.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Rosie7 

Is your husband aware of these feelings of yours? Have you discussed them with him? If so, how often does it come up?


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Rosie, is it really that your hb had a sexual past, or is it that he makes you feel like one in a long line and you're not particularly special?

Those are two very different issues. Telling you about the train encounter and pointing out that she was the hottest is a really ****ty thing to tell your wife, IMO.

See, this is how I felt with my ex. He talked about exes all the time in ridiculously inappropriate ways, and I felt like one in a long line. Some might say well he married you, but I always felt like Ms right now. He actually told me before I filed for divorce that he married me because he thought I was the best he was going to do. 

I didn't have an issue with his past per se, because I was divorced with 2 kids, but I did have issue with the fact that thanks to his insecurity driven diarrhea of the mouth I never really felt truly special. I could be taking a bath and he'd start talking about some ex he took a bath with (yes, he actually did that).

So your hb may not be off the rails like my ex, but does he or has he said things that compare you to exes and make you feel like you're the latest in a long line?

If he doesn't and your issue is just that he has a past there's nothing you can do about that. My feeling though is that he's contributing to this by running his mouth, and THAT is something you might be able to address. What he said about the train supports this.

Please clarify this.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Been with my wife for 20 years now. Married for 14. I saved myself for marriage. I was her 3rd. 

I get where you are coming from. I don't understand why anyone would shame you for waiting. Thats ridiculous. However, I can see why people would judge you for all this resentment towards a situation you knew about going in. Same thing for me. I didn't like that I wasn't my wife's first, but I was able to make the determination if that was a deal breaker for me (or not) well in advance of my wedding. 

I can say that I've countered the "unspecial" feelings in other ways. Find things with your husband that are special to only you and him. 

For example, the length of time my wife and I have been together far exceeds any other long term relationship either of us have had. Secondly, we have children together. It may seem stupid, but I look at it as very special. Neither of us had children prior to our marriage. Only with each other. Our children are unique and are only possible with our DNA coming together. I love looking at our children as an expression of the love we have for each other. Lastly, my wife and I were open about past experiences. I did want to know what she did with other men prior to meeting me. As such, I wanted to do more. Much more. She agreed. We had fun with it. There are many different kinds of sexual experiences we've had with each other that she or I have never shared with any one else.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’m really sorry this is eating at you. It’s difficult I’m sure. It must feel terrible and horrible to live like this. 

I’m at the opposite end, I had more of a past than my partner and we had lots of problems because of it. It used to hurt me a lot, but not anymore. I passed the pain and grief back to him and it was truly worse for him than for me. Because I knew he was luckier than me to have missed out on all those experiences. Those experiences are ugly to me, I love my husband so much and wish I could have waited for him. You see, you have something he doesn’t! 

You’re really lucky in that your husband probably went through all that and chose you and let me tell you it’s a good thing - for you. 

Please be really honest with yourself - are you competitive in nature? Do you think you have to get even? Does your husband ever feel he has to hide his light to make you feel better?

These are dark dark feelings you have, and I worry for you. It’s ok to have these feelings, but you yourself know that they can alter the course of your life and your marriage. They already have. At what point do you look at what you do have... and be content? At what point does that darkness become too much for HIM to bear and he turns his back on you?

The devil calls in really obvious ways. So obvious in fact that we sometimes refuse to see our downfall.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Rosie7 said:


> I have been in therapy for 4 years to help with this. I have seen almost a dozen counselors, some were kind but just couldn't understand why my partner's past bothers me and others who flat out told me my feelings were invalid and irrational, like @ConanHub. I don't think my feelings of wanting to have a unique and special sexual connection with my husband that no other partner has had with him is irrational. This is why I feel alone. I have had no friends who have experienced this. The resources I have read online have not been helpful or don't fit my experience. Every forum I've posted on over the years have shamed me for valuing waiting til marriage because no one waits anymore or shamed me for marrying my husband when I knew his past bothered me. I love my husband, I want to be happy with him and I want to feel close to him. I just want to find ONE person to talk to who understands these feeling of jealously and won't give me the tropes of "his past doesn't matter because he's with you now," "you should be thankful that he's only slept with one other person," "he waited for you, so that should be special," or "you need to get over it." This "advice" doesn't help. It just reaffirms to me that I am alone in valuing sex the way i do and no one gets this feeling. I want to actually talk to someone who has gone through this journey.


You have to understand the comments about you being irrational are not made to discount your feelings. It's because you're coming across as if the only solution to your problem is to invent a time machine and stop your husband having sex with anyone before you. You cannot have it any other way, it's literally impossible, you could go divorce your husband and find a virgin to marry but then he would have had sex before him, you're still not getting what you want. So if you can't have it the way you would have preferred it what is it you're hoping for? You've been married for 15 years so if you have a healthy sex life with your husband you have probably had sex with him thousands of times. Any sex life he had before you has been rendered inconsequential in comparison. There is nothing that anyone, whether they have been in your position or not, is going to say to you that is going to be a magic pill. You can work on coming to peace with this if you want to, but you have to want to first, it doesn't sound like you want to honestly. When a therapist says to you his past doesn't matter say ok well then how do I get over these feelings of jealousy etc. Work the process use the tools you learn focus on the positives, the reasons you chose to marry him even though he didn't wait until marriage like you. Again you have to focus on *wanting* to find acceptance and a comfort level with things.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Rosie7 said:


> Wow, the judgement in this community is unreal considering that I gave little context to the work I have put into my relationship and my history with my husband other than I struggle with his past. I was only looking for others who have experienced something similar, so if this is not you, take your negativity elsewhere.


But you are judging him, and talking about your enormous negativity that no professional has been able to help you with. 

Knocking back the things you don’t want to hear don’t want to see. Many of us are telling a similar story. 

Do you really want help with this? Or are you waiting for this answer: 

‘You should end this marriage and go forth and even the score’. 

Because no-one has given that answer. 

We aren’t here to judge but to help. 

I now understand why nothing has worked for you.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Rosie7 said:


> I have been in therapy for 4 years to help with this. I have seen almost a dozen counselors, some were kind but just couldn't understand why my partner's past bothers me and others who flat out told me my feelings were invalid and irrational, like @ConanHub. I don't think my feelings of wanting to have a unique and special sexual connection with my husband that no other partner has had with him is irrational. This is why I feel alone. I have had no friends who have experienced this. The resources I have read online have not been helpful or don't fit my experience. Every forum I've posted on over the years have shamed me for valuing waiting til marriage because no one waits anymore or shamed me for marrying my husband when I knew his past bothered me. I love my husband, I want to be happy with him and I want to feel close to him. I just want to find ONE person to talk to who understands these feeling of jealously and won't give me the tropes of "his past doesn't matter because he's with you now," "you should be thankful that he's only slept with one other person," "he waited for you, so that should be special," or "you need to get over it." This "advice" doesn't help. It just reaffirms to me that I am alone in valuing sex the way i do and no one gets this feeling. I want to actually talk to someone who has gone through this journey.


I agree 100% with @MattMatt that private messages are a BAD idea for topics like this. I can't offer you anything exactly like what you're going through, but you may find my (continuing) journey to have some interest, and reading the back-and-forth between myself and various members of TAM might help you learn some things without feeling like you're being attacked personally, which appears to be a major thing for you. Here's the start of that thread- Do NOT read a pre-marriage diary. | Talk About Marriage


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

PeaPod said:


> i can think of two places youll get good advice for your standpoint. A therapist, and a priest. A therapist will hear, understand, and advise your position without judgement, and a priest will agree with you waiting until marriage to have sex, and will be able to lend advice from a point of complete understanding. Getting commentary from eople who simply will not ty to understand your standpoint will only make you feel worse.
> i would think this goes without saying, but some therapists and some priests are shady characters so feel them out before taking their advice. Any good, ethical person will give you the best advice they can.


I kinda like this post.
I kinda don't.

Don't feel it's necessary or healthy to disparage those who feel different.

Uh, I can't say I like those who disagree with me. I may, or may not.

Matters not. 

They live for themselves.
I live for me and mine.

Opinions are what they are, tainted with emotion, hopefully with some logic.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Honestly if you've struggled with this for the full 15 years of your M, it's assuredly your issue, not his.
A kindly suggestion; make peace with it and with yourself for being ok with it. 

If you have an otherwise good M don't let this one thing ruin your situation. 

If there are other problems with the M, work on those but really your statute of limitations on the sexual past thing has long since run out.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I did want to know what she did with other men prior to meeting me. As such, I wanted to do more. Much more. She agreed. We had fun with it. There are many different kinds of sexual experiences we've had with each other that she or I have never shared with any one else.


And that is a slippery slope. What if you had not been able to do more because a prior man was a Sex Machine capable of doing things you're not capable of doing? I'm glad that you were able to break new ground. Being unable to do so creates a host of problems. I wonder if OP is dealing with this type of problem. Is she competitive?


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Rosie7 said:


> I don't think my feelings of wanting to have a unique and special sexual connection with my husband that no other partner has had with him is irrational.


Wanting that special experience & waiting for marriage to get it is a valid choice. It's not irrational at all. 

What is irrational is knowingly marrying somebody who couldn't give you that & being upset about it for 15 years. 

Assuming you waited for a faith based reason & you took vows which mean something to you, pray for grace, wisdom, forgiveness & acceptance. You need to find a way to let go of the resentment & the jealousy. It's killing you & poisoning your marriage. God forgives sinners. So find a way to forgive your husband for something that happened so long ago & be happy about the wonderful partner he's been all these years. 

It breaks my heart for you that you are still in so much pain over something that can't be changed. You have to find a way to let go or build a time machine & go back to prevent him from sleeping with her. Which is easier & more probable?


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Telling you about the train encounter and pointing out that she was the hottest is a really ****ty thing to tell your wife, IMO.


I agree!


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

There is something to be said for experience. There are threads on this forum where two virgins got married and can't quite figure out the mechanics of sex. Now, that is truly heartbreaking.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> There is something to be said for experience. There are threads on this forum where two virgins got married and can't quite figure out the mechanics of sex. Now, that is truly heartbreaking.


It's something that you learn between you as time passes. Having lots of previous partners doesn't make you good at sex.


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> There are threads on this forum where two virgins got married and can't quite figure out the mechanics of sex.


Makes me think of Forgetting Sarah Marshall, lol.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> It's something that you learn between you as time passes. Having lots of previous partners doesn't make you good at sex.


It's a personal choice, yes, and that's certainly ok. No one needs approval to have their own opinion on both sides.

Having sexual experience can make you good at sex. Not a sure thing obviously but helps and can be a great source of knowledge.

Also, if a couple getting exclusive already have their sexual compatibility worked out, too, ahead of time removes one more source of stress when getting married.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> It's something that you learn between you as time passes.* Having lots of previous partners doesn't make you good at sex.*


True, but at least one person knows how and where to insert the key into the keyhole.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> True, but at least one person knows how and where to insert the key into the keyhole.


My first experience was with a virgin. It didn't take us long to figure it out.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I can say, that this is one thing that has never been an issue, come up, or anything I've spent mental time on. I truly don't understand how or why any spouse would get married then start worrying about it.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> True, but at least one person knows how and where to insert the key into the keyhole.


I'm sort of semi-obligated to get into the conversation at this point.

Yup, if you want to ensure that two people who are not sexually compatible don't figure it out until divorce is the only remedy, make sure they stay out of bed before marriage.


----------



## FOB (Oct 29, 2014)

Rosie7 said:


> I don't think my feelings of wanting to have a unique and special sexual connection with my husband that no other partner has had with him is irrational...
> 
> ...I just want to find ONE person to talk to who understands these feeling of jealously and won't give me the tropes of "his past doesn't matter because he's with you now," "you should be thankful that he's only slept with one other person," "he waited for you, so that should be special," or "you need to get over it." This "advice" doesn't help. It just reaffirms to me that I am alone in valuing sex the way i do and no one gets this feeling. I want to actually talk to someone who has gone through this journey.


Your feelings of wanting that connection aren't irrational, but they aren't attainable to the degree you're looking for because your husband can never undo what was done. You have to find a way to come to grips with that, so there is no advice that someone in the same situation can give you that will help. It's not about getting over it, but moving past it. Finding peace.

And by the way, you do have a unique and special sexual connection with your husband that no other partner has had with him. You're his wife. You get a lifetime to explore and get to know each other, sexually and otherwise. No one else gets this. If that doesn't make you special I don't know what does.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sfort said:


> My first experience was with a virgin. It didn't take us long to figure it out.


My first time I was a virgin....😋

But honestly between her talking to God with her eyes rolling and her head thrown back, I wasn't even thinking about anything other than how good everything felt.

It isn't exactly rocket science.😉


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> My first time I was a virgin....😋


My first sexual experience (that is, I was a virgin) was with a virgin. Better?



> But honestly between her talking to God with her eyes rolling and her head thrown back, I wasn't even thinking about anything other than how good everything felt.


It must not have been *her *first experience.



> It isn't exactly rocket science.😉


Not so fast. There are things to learn that can fuel the rocket's red glare. I didn't learn them until after I was married.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sfort said:


> My first sexual experience (that is, I was a virgin) was with a virgin. Better?
> 
> 
> It must not have been *her *first experience.
> ...


My point was it isn't like having a bunch of partners is necessary for great sex.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> My first time I was a virgin....😋
> 
> But honestly between her talking to God with her eyes rolling and her head thrown back, I wasn't even thinking about anything other than how good everything felt.
> 
> It isn't exactly rocket science.😉


If you have chemistry it never is 😁


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Rosie7 said:


> *I don't think my feelings of wanting to have a unique and special sexual connection with my husband that no other partner has had with him is irrational.*


Read this: it tells us that yes, you are being irrational. Not just that, but also most likely it's becoming obsessional for you; which is impeding you to see and accept reality as it is, not as you wishes to be.
I bet anything you want that your husband sees his sexual relationship with you as unique and special. For your information it's not the sex you had, is the overall emotional bonding with the partner that makes the sexual connection unique. What difference does it makes that I had a thousand sexual relationship with other women, if none meant anything to what I have with my wife? Think about it. I'm sure this is how your husband surely feels. It's you in your head, trying to find excuses for what you did not accept but did by marrying your husband knowing that he already had previous sexual relationships; which in your mind did not conform to the fairy tale fantasy you created for yourself.


----------



## AttaBoy (Sep 30, 2018)

Rosie7 said:


> I just want to find ONE person to talk to who understands these feeling of jealously and won't give me the tropes of "you should be thankful that he's only slept with one other person,"


Without knowing anything about his "one other person" I can tell you from my perspective that 15 years after I met my wife I remembered almost nothing about my previous LTRs. Vague memories, but details were lost to time and the volume on events. For the relationships I had that were brief, but sexual, I remember individual event details much better. Perhaps you can take some comfort, if his prior relationship lasted a while, that he might really remember very little of it in detail, especially if the relationship ended badly like mine did. You really could be his everything and you should really be working on making your current intimacy as mutually satisfying and memorable as possible. 
There are also threads on this site about retro active jealousy. Those might be helpful to you.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Sfort said:


> And that is a slippery slope. What if you had not been able to do more because a prior man was a Sex Machine capable of doing things you're not capable of doing? I'm glad that you were able to break new ground. Being unable to do so creates a host of problems. I wonder if OP is dealing with this type of problem. Is she competitive?


Fair point. Just looking for ways that she can be proactive in creating special things that she only shares with her husband. Her feelings are real but seem irrational. I tend to go after things and try to fix them when I feel myself wallowing in feelings that are negative and counter productive.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I don't think it's about only her, it's about 2 people who shouldn't have got married getting married. People who had very different values.


This here ^^^. @Rosie7, I don't mean to make you feel badly, but you guys married knowing each other's sexual past of lack thereof, and still chose to get married. You can't change his or your past, and all you can do at this point is work on YOU and overcoming this ASAP so that you don't waste anymore precious energy and time on it. Waiting until marriage is a rare, rare thing these days, but some people still do. Good for you for staying true to your beliefs. What I would suggest is finding a therapist who deals specifically with issues like this, and go talk to them. It sounds like the 4 therapists that you've already talked to haven't really helped, and I'm wondering if maybe they haven't specialized in issues like yours. Maybe try looking for a therapist who has more of a spiritual/religious spin to their work. 

Have you talked to your husband about how his sexual past makes you feel? How does he respond? Does he try to make you feel special when you guys are intimate? Honestly, your situation just sounds like a matter of 2 people with different values who got married, and probably shouldn't have.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

If you look for a new therapist, try to find one who knows what RJ is and how to treat it.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> There is something to be said for experience. There are threads on this forum where two virgins got married and can't quite figure out the mechanics of sex. Now, that is truly heartbreaking.


Yup it sure is. I married someone who was sexually inexperienced (I was his first), and his lack of experience, want, need in that regard was one of the things that really did our marriage in. It's too bad, but it happens more than a person thinks.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Ursula said:


> Yup it sure is. I married someone who was sexually inexperienced (I was his first), and his lack of experience, want, need in that regard was one of the things that really did our marriage in. It's too bad, but it happens more than a person thinks.


Yeah I have to admit we were each other’s first. While it was easy to figure out...it did take a while to get good at it. I can understand how your position was likely frustrating.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Ursula said:


> Yup it sure is. I married someone who was sexually inexperienced (I was his first), and his lack of experience, want, need in that regard was one of the things that really did our marriage in. It's too bad, but it happens more than a person thinks.


Did you teach him?


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Sfort said:


> Did you teach him?


Oh, I tried, but it didn't really help. Ironic, since he's a Uni prof who teaches for a living!


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

OP have you considered maybe doing an act with your husband that he has never done with anyone else in his past? That might give you the unique connection you’re looking for.

Perhaps he has never had his prostate stimulated and you could do that for him and give him his first prostate orgasm.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I have read the whole thing so far and am really confused. The OP's issue is that her husband has some kind of sexual past that has her upset. The only example I read was of a one night stand on a train with a hottie. 

Clearly she can feel any way she wants and her feelings are hers. She knew he had a sexual past and still married him, now she is haunted by his past. She has been in counseling for years about it.

To me this is a huge red flag, UNLESS his sexual past was as a pimp of underage girls, or some other absolutely horrible human trait. If all he did was sleep with a few consenting women in his youth before they met, I am amazed that counseling hasn't helped her put things in perspective. That leads me to one of three assumptions: (1) either his sexual past is particularly vile, (2) he is using his past as an emotional weapon against her, or (3) she is particularly over sensitive and married him anyway for some reason, which says a lot of the problem is hers to work through.

With that I want to state that how you feel is how you feel. That feelings can be suppressed for a while and this may be the way you feel and what you need to work through. Good luck.

I hope you find a counselor who can help you attain closure or acceptance.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

It's probably your number three, which is akin to retroactive jealousy. It's existence is oft questioned by people who have never experienced it, but it is very real and very painful.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I don't think it's about only her, it's about 2 people who shouldn't have got married getting married. People who had very different values.


Could not agree more. So often it's the case this is only discovered later, but here, it was known ahead of time. That's what makes it so tough to deal with. She was so lucky to know! Imagine discovering it later, how would she feel then? 

It's tough to say this, but I wonder if she feels badly mostly because she knew and lowered her own standards? This is not really retroactive jealousy, but rather disappointment in herself maybe?


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> This is not really retroactive jealousy, but rather disappointment in herself maybe?


As in, "it's not really six, it's half a dozen". That is, RJ has a lot of its roots in disappointment in self. RJ is an affliction of the sufferer, not the subject of the jealousy. It's about territory.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Rosie7 said:


> I have struggled with my husband's sexual past for almost 15 years and I'm wondering if there is anyone out there who has fought a similar battle and would willing to talk privately about it. I understand that this is an unpopular opinion, but I waited until marriage to have sex, but my husband didn't and it has caused me a lot of pain of jealously, comparison, and not feeling special. You can save the judgement about how I'm a terrible person for marrying him when I knew about his past, or how insecure I am, or how "the past doesn't matter." I've heard it all over the last 15 years and I'm sadly still looking for someone who understands what I'm going through. I feel very alone.


As others have said, you can't change the past, only how you feel about it, so keep trying to do that.

I haven't seen this, so I'll mention it. If you can't eventually find it in yourself to love your husband as you vowed to do, then get out of the marriage so someone else can.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> There is something to be said for experience. There are threads on this forum where two virgins got married and can't quite figure out the mechanics of sex. Now, that is truly heartbreaking.


I guess that is one hazard, though of course there are examples and counterexamples. 

I think another hazard is wondering what it is like w/ someone else, and I've heard of people who wondered that after they'd married their first-and-only. Not everyone of course.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Young at Heart said:


> I have read the whole thing so far and am really confused. The OP's issue is that her husband has some kind of sexual past that has her upset. The only example I read was of a one night stand on a train with a hottie.
> 
> Clearly she can feel any way she wants and her feelings are hers. She knew he had a sexual past and still married him, now she is haunted by his past. She has been in counseling for years about it.
> 
> ...


Number 2 is what my ex hb did, so I know from experience that it can happen.

It would be nice if OP actually responded to some of our questions.


----------



## Rosie7 (Apr 12, 2021)

No thanks. I'm no longer interested in being part of this community.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

That's unfortunate. We would love to help you out.....I've been in a situation similar to you.

If you change your mind we'll be here.

Best of luck.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> Those are two very different issues. Telling you about the train encounter and pointing out that she was the hottest is a really ****ty thing to tell your wife, IMO.


I've been out of town and am a little late to the party. What's this about a train? I haven't seen anything posted about a train.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> I've been out of town and am a little late to the party. What's this about a train? I haven't seen anything posted about a train.


Her husband told her the most beautiful woman he ever got was a one tine thing on a train.

Not a very nice thing to say to your wife.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm sorry to hear that the OP has left the building, but if she has already been through a dozen professionals, it's unlikely that strangers on the internet will have a solution, unless one can build a time machine and she can stop her H from having sex in his youth some how. 

I'm not completely sure what it was the OP was looking for here. If it was truly to commiserate with others feeling the same about their partner's not waiting for marriage or having trouble dealing with their partner's prior sex life, there should have been plenty of fodder for that as that is a freguent topic of discussion....... although it is usually men that struggle with that. 

But @lifeistooshort has a valid point that if her H is being a jerk about it and bragging about his exploits and rubbing it in her face, that will cause rightful resentment and disgust. And her counseling cannot fix him being a jerk. 

Me suspects there is more to this story than her having trouble and consternation that he did not wait until marriage. If she has truly been to a dozen professionals, then there are other forces and factors at play.


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Her husband told her the most beautiful woman he ever got was a one tine thing on a train.
> 
> Not a very nice thing to say to your wife.


That wasn't her husband, that was mine...lol.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

deleted due to new information


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

GC1234 said:


> That wasn't her husband, that was mine...lol.


OH OK! That clears up my confusion. I'm going to strike my last post.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


> Could not agree more. So often it's the case this is only discovered later, but here, it was known ahead of time. That's what makes it so tough to deal with. She was so lucky to know! Imagine discovering it later, how would she feel then?
> 
> It's tough to say this, but I wonder if she feels badly mostly because she knew and lowered her own standards? This is not really retroactive jealousy, but rather disappointment in herself maybe?


This is my suspicion as well and what I also suspect is a constellation of other issues, If she's been to a dozen professionals, it's more than just having an issue about him having a prior GF. 

It's easy for people who don't have a strong value of virgin marriages to pooh-pooh it, but to the individuals themselves, it can be of great importance. 

That being said however, since this has been going on 15 years and she has been seeking ongoing professional treatment with many different counselors, I have the feeling this is only piece of the puzzle.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

SpinyNorman said:


> I guess that is one hazard, though of course there are examples and counterexamples.
> 
> I think another hazard is wondering what it is like w/ someone else, and I've heard of people who wondered that after they'd married their first-and-only. Not everyone of course.


Those are all things that go through the minds of people that don't really hold that much value on virginity or saving sexuality until marriage. 

For people who do value saving sex until marriage, that is just part of the journey....... and part of a journey that they want to take with someone that shares the same values. 

It's about values and priorities. Someone who values virginity until marriage, isn't going to want to marry a porn star or the campus stud who may be hung like a horse and able to drive it through plywood but has been with 37 other people in the last few months. 

They don't necessarily want instant gratification with someone with a proven skillset, but rather want someone that shares the same value system that they can make that journey with.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

GC1234 said:


> That wasn't her husband, that was mine...lol.


Oh....my mistake!

Still a nasty thing to say.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Since the OP has left the building, I'm not sure how fair it is for me to play junior shrink and do any kind of post mortem. But since I am not charging any more than my input is worth I will throw this out there for food for thought. Y'all can chime in on your own thoughts. 

As I've said above, I think there is more to this than her simply having an issue where his Johnson has been. 

I can't help but think that a factor in her troubles here is she compromised her own values and her own moral compass for her own carnal desires. 

There are young adult virgin males in the world. Quite a few in fact. However the vast majority of those adult, male virgins are not due to moral or religious conviction but rather that they do not possess the traits and characteristics that most women find sexually desirable. In simpler terms they are nerds that "can't" get sex. 

And of the young, adult men that do have the traits and characteristics that women do find very sexually desirable ( approximately 20% per OK Cupid and Tinder research) the vast, vast majority of those men have been sexually active since their mid and even early teens. 

For a woman who values an adult man who is sexually desirable, is marriage material and who is virginal due to personal conviction,,,, who 'could' be sexually active but is consciously delaying sex until marriage - is basically a needle in a haystack in a field full of haystacks. I think there was one Vermont a few years ago and maybe a couple in Montana and maybe a few in Utah who plan on getting a few more wives after losing their virginity to their first wife. 

I think part of the struggle the OP is having is instead of getting one of the Melvins who also went to her church that she felt no desire for - she instead compromised her own convictions and values and went for the Chad to satisfy her own sexual desires and thus compromised her own value of having a virgin spouse. 

It's not really all that dissimilar to the guys who want the sweet little virgin bride, but marry the stripper because the stripper dangles the pu$$y carrot in front of them and tells them that they aren't like a real stripper but are only dancing to pay their way through nursing school. 

When people compromise their own sexual mores and values due to their own prurient desires, they tend to point their fingers outward at their nonvirgin spouse, rather than taking accountability for their own compromise of convictions.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

GC1234 said:


> That wasn't her husband, that was mine...lol.


Yup. We know nothing except he wasn't a virgin when they married which she knew and accepted.

Your H strikes me as increasingly peculiar?

But what do I know...🙄


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Your H strikes me as increasingly peculiar?


That's one word....lol. I think you know a lot already!


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> I'm sorry to hear that the OP has left the building, but if she has already been through a dozen professionals, it's unlikely that strangers on the internet will have a solution, unless one can build a time machine and she can stop her H from having sex in his youth some how.
> 
> I'm not completely sure what it was the OP was looking for here. If it was truly to commiserate with others feeling the same about their partner's not waiting for marriage or having trouble dealing with their partner's prior sex life, there should have been plenty of fodder for that as that is a freguent topic of discussion....... although it is usually men that struggle with that.
> 
> ...


My impression was that she was looking for private messages on the topic and not open-forum posts (I could be wrong, of course).


----------



## Rosie7 (Apr 12, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Those are all things that go through the minds of people that don't really hold that much value on virginity or saving sexuality until marriage.
> 
> For people who do value saving sex until marriage, that is just part of the journey....... and part of a journey that they want to take with someone that shares the same values.
> 
> ...


Thank you for understanding this.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

SpinyNorman said:


> I guess that is one hazard, though of course there are examples and counterexamples.
> 
> I think another hazard is wondering what it is like w/ someone else, and I've heard of people who wondered that after they'd married their first-and-only. *Not everyone of course.*





oldshirt said:


> Those are all things that go through the minds of people that don't really hold that much value on virginity or saving sexuality until marriage.


Sure, I made a point of saying these weren't universal. I just wish people would think about what is going to make them happy and marry according to that, as opposed to doing what they think society expects. Of course, not everyone knows how they'll feel decades from now, but it can't hurt to ask yourself these questions before you commit your life to somebody. And if somebody asks themselves which of these will make them happy and decides "marrying a virgin", they probably ought to do that.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rosie7 said:


> Thank you for understanding this.


Hey, I am glad you came back. 

I think a lot of people really do understand where you are coming from and understand that it is important to you. 

It's not how many of us chose to live our lives but that doesn't mean that people don't understand that some do value saving sex for marriage. 

It's not that people don't understand or that they don't want you to be happy and content, it's that it is troubling that you are still having so much trouble over this after so many years. People really do want to help and want you to be OK but I'm not sure how much help strangers on the internet can actually provide if multiple professionals have not been able to.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Rosie7 said:


> Thank you for understanding this.


In my case, things would have been so much better had my wife not given me the whole "I'm saving myself for marriage" speech and told me the truth, that she'd been with a few guys, but she was ashamed and selfish and didn't tell me because she thought I'd think less of her. And it was a control thing, wanting to be in control of the narrative, so she could never tell me. Had I known, things would have gone so much better!!! I still would have married her, and I would have better understood a lot of bad stuff that went down in our marriage. We could have worked on things at year 3 or 4 instead of 41. 

But you knew ahead of time. What for me would have been the ideal situation. I truly loved (and still love) my wife, but for who she really is, warts & all.

So my question to you is, why, knowing what you did, that he wasn't a virgin, did you decide to marry him anyway? And a related question, is this more about him, or about you regretting that you lowered your standards?


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Rosie, is it really that your hb had a sexual past, or *is it that he makes you feel like one in a long line and you're not particularly special?*
> 
> Those are two very different issues. Telling you about the train encounter and pointing out that she was the hottest is a really ****ty thing to tell your wife, IMO.
> 
> ...


This is spot on my struggles with my wifes past.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> This is spot on my struggles with my wifes past.


Was it her making your feel that way or you making yourself feel that way? 

One is RJ. The other is JR (JackasseRy).


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

SpinyNorman said:


> Sure, I made a point of saying these weren't universal. I just wish people would think about what is going to make them happy and marry according to that, as opposed to doing what they think society expects. Of course, not everyone knows how they'll feel decades from now, but it can't hurt to ask yourself these questions before you commit your life to somebody. And if somebody asks themselves which of these will make them happy and decides "marrying a virgin", they probably ought to do that.


This would be the ideal...however, humans and relationships are NOT static, set-in-stone things -- they are moveable, changeable, constantly shifting entities (BOTH humans AND relationships) that are more akin to "chaos theory" than anything resembling a predictable pattern. 

We can take EVERY PERFECT PRECAUTION in selecting a partner, and we can function in EVERY PERFECT WAY within our relationship after that, and STILL end up unhappy or with our partner unhappy, and with a broken relationship that doesn't work anymore.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Rosie7 said:


> I have struggled with my husband's sexual past for almost 15 years and I'm wondering if there is anyone out there who has fought a similar battle and would willing to talk privately about it. I understand that this is an unpopular opinion, but I waited until marriage to have sex, but my husband didn't and it has caused me a lot of pain of jealously, comparison, and not feeling special. You can save the judgement about how I'm a terrible person for marrying him when I knew about his past, or how insecure I am, or how "the past doesn't matter." I've heard it all over the last 15 years and I'm sadly still looking for someone who understands what I'm going through. I feel very alone.


YES...I completely understand your feelings about this, as I struggled mightily with it in my first marriage especially...but I expect to struggle in any future relationship as well, simply because it's EASY for me to feel insecure with things that I don't understand (someone who has had multiple exciting partner options being satisfied with silly little ME).

I never saved myself for marriage, but I definitely saved myself for LOVE, and ended up marrying the man I gave my virginity to (and only the second man I had even kissed). 

I believe the past DOES matter, but it's YOUR view and interpretation of his past that is causing you pain. Also, I don't think you are accurately gauging how he sees sex in general and sex with YOU in particular. I think you are having a hard time with that because you have no previous partners, so you don't understand how sex with someone you truly love and commit to is SO much more special and exciting to most people no matter how many previous partners they've had!!

If you want to PM me, I would be happy to talk to you!


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> This is spot on my struggles with my wifes past.


I remember your story. I always had the feeling that your wife used it as an emotional weapon like my ex.

Is that still an issue for you?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Was it her making your feel that way or you making yourself feel that way?
> 
> One is RJ. The other is JR (JackasseRy).


I don't want to try to speak for Sam; but, his wife has a habit of drooling over celebrities to him. The woman has the acumen of a turnip when it comes to making Sam feel good about himself. And, Sam is a far, far cry from chopped liver.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

SpinyNorman said:


> Of course, not everyone knows how they'll feel decades from now,





LisaDiane said:


> This would be the ideal...however, humans and relationships are NOT static, set-in-stone things -- they are moveable, changeable, constantly shifting entities


I think I addressed this, see above


> (BOTH humans AND relationships) that are more akin to "chaos theory" than anything resembling a predictable pattern.


Well that sounds like an exaggeration, my opinions may have drifted a little since I was a teenager but there is far more consistency than one would expect in "chaos theory".


> We can take EVERY PERFECT PRECAUTION in selecting a partner, and we can function in EVERY PERFECT WAY within our relationship after that, and STILL end up unhappy or with our partner unhappy, and with a broken relationship that doesn't work anymore.


I agree relationships don't come w/ guarantees, but if you're saying forethought doesn't help I would disagree strongly.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

SpinyNorman said:


> I think I addressed this, see above
> Well that sounds like an exaggeration, my opinions may have drifted a little since I was a teenager but there is far more consistency than one would expect in "chaos theory".
> I agree relationships don't come w/ guarantees, but *if you're saying forethought doesn't help I would disagree strongly.*


You did address most of what I said, and I wasn't even meaning to disagree with you at all, I was simply expounding on it and adding MY personal observations to the mix.

Also, for the bolded, I would NEVER say forethought doesn't help...ALL things should be taken into consideration when choosing a partner you hope to remain happy with into the future. But it's simply NO guarantee at all, that's all I was pointing out.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> I don't want to try to speak for Sam; but, his wife has a habit of drooling over celebrities to him. The woman has the acumen of a turnip when it comes to making Sam feel good about himself. And, Sam is a far, far cry from chopped liver.


Yup. He got that gymnast hot bod going on.👍

If I remember right, she was always talking inappropriately about her previous lovers in front of him and everyone.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I remember your story. I always had the feeling that your wife used it as an emotional weapon like my ex.
> 
> Is that still an issue for you?


I think this might be part of it, but I also think it is tied to her past and the fact that she had never been in a sexual relationship where her partner ever gave a damn what she thought of them so long as she had sex with them. That in turn reinforced the idea that men only wanted sex. It never even occurred to her that a man would care about any feelings of specialness when it comes to sex so long as they were getting some. That a man would actually care about being reduced to a notch on a bed post. And as her partner count increased, this view of things was just further reinforced. So she never saw any reason to, or learned any need to actually outwardly express any signs of attraction toward her partners, because having sex with them was good enough.

Combine that with her almost reflexive lack of filter when it came to expressing her sexual attraction and desire for people she wasn't currently having sex with, one ends up with a very clear situation of why them and not me, and being nothing more than the current end of a long line. Nothing particularly special to my partner.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Combine that with her almost reflexive lack of filter when it came to expressing her sexual attraction and desire for people she wasn't currently having sex with, one ends up with a very clear situation of why them and not me, and being nothing more than the current end of a long line. Nothing particularly special to my partner.


Well, Lordy, Lordy, you married her! That should tell her that she is special to you and you _*should *_be special to her. I don't think anyone is so dense that they think expressing sexual attraction for another person to their spouse will play well with said spouse. I think she is playing a game with you. A stupid game that will eventually garner her a stupid prize.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Well, Lordy, Lordy, you married her! That should tell her that she is special to you and you _*should *_be special to her. I don't think anyone is so dense that they think expressing sexual attraction for another person to their spouse will play well with said spouse. I think she is playing a game with you. A stupid game that will eventually garner her a stupid prize.


Oh, I don't know. Lots of people play the "Hall pass" game - you get to name the celebrity of your choice with whom, given the chance, your partner has to allow you a night of unbridled passion. 

It's a little silly and predicated on the assumption that everyone is in on the joke that could never really happen, but it does have the effect of expressing sexual attraction for another person to your spouse. 

Don't we all know that someone can be sexually attracted to another without reducing the special nature of our bond? When I married, I didn't gouge out my spouse's eyes. To believe otherwise is naive, and to force my spouse to play along with what everyone knows to be untrue seems pointless.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Don't we all know that someone can be sexually attracted to another without reducing the special nature of our bond? When I married, I didn't gouge out my spouse's eyes. To believe otherwise is naive, and to force my spouse to play along with what everyone knows to be untrue seems pointless.


Yes, we all know it. But, we don't want or need to hear it. What does telling your spouse do for you or them?


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Yes, we all know it. But, we don't want or need to hear it. What does telling your spouse do for you or them?


Knowing what turns on your spouse is useful information, as long as no one's nose is rubbed into it. Especially if the conversation veers a little into the "why", when there is something within your power to leverage.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Knowing what turns on your spouse is useful information, as long as no one's nose is rubbed into it. Especially if the conversation veers a little into the "why", when there is something within your power to leverage.


That is good in theory, unfortunately in practice it is a great way to set up comparisons leading to insecurities. And of course it requires tact...Sharply dressed guy walks into the restaurant and wife notices...I bet you'd look great in that suit! vs Damn, he's hot in that suit. Not completely nose rubbing, both providing useful information...she likes the suit...but not exactly inspiring action on my part to leverage that information.


----------



## Realocean1 (Apr 21, 2021)

Rosie7 said:


> I have been in therapy for 4 years to help with this. I have seen almost a dozen counselors, some were kind but just couldn't understand why my partner's past bothers me and others who flat out told me my feelings were invalid and irrational, like @ConanHub. I don't think my feelings of wanting to have a unique and special sexual connection with my husband that no other partner has had with him is irrational. This is why I feel alone. I have had no friends who have experienced this. The resources I have read online have not been helpful or don't fit my experience. Every forum I've posted on over the years have shamed me for valuing waiting til marriage because no one waits anymore or shamed me for marrying my husband when I knew his past bothered me. I love my husband, I want to be happy with him and I want to feel close to him. I just want to find ONE person to talk to who understands these feeling of jealously and won't give me the tropes of "his past doesn't matter because he's with you now," "you should be thankful that he's only slept with one other person," "he waited for you, so that should be special," or "you need to get over it." This "advice" doesn't help. It just reaffirms to me that I am alone in valuing sex the way i do and no one gets this feeling. I want to actually talk to someone who has gone through this journey.



All you can do is leave the marriage. Or find a therapist who agrees with you, but therapists either tell you to cope and move on with it suppress it OR to CHANGE your situation which in this case can only be done via divorce.

Would an affair or your husband allowing you to sleep with another man solve this issue?

Unhappiness stems from unwanted desires. What you desire is far more common in men due to evolutionary reasons, the fact the sexes arent equal and all religions and major philosophies basically going easier on women and just telling them to not be promiscious. For example in all abrahamic faiths man has more religious duties and a harder time to God. Women are literally penetrated.

If you were to cope through this I guess its to realize your husband isnt ever being penetrated and from a religious view hasnt undergone the same metaphysical change.

It is also possible you have a partly male compontent to your soul. That is causing this jealousy females dont usually exhibit.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Realocean1 said:


> All you can do is leave the marriage. Or find a therapist who agrees with you, but therapists either tell you to cope and move on with it suppress it OR to CHANGE your situation which in this case can only be done via divorce.
> 
> Would an affair or your husband allowing you to sleep with another man solve this issue?
> 
> ...


Hmmm. You should probably adjust this post so it doesn't look like you are trying to score with a troubled, married, woman who came here for help.

You are hitting on her and that isn't what this site is about.

First post and hitting on someone? I didn't report you but I would be surprised if someone else hasn't already.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Knowing what turns on your spouse is useful information, as long as no one's nose is rubbed into it. Especially if the conversation veers a little into the "why", when there is something within your power to leverage.


Knowing you turn your spouse on works pretty damn good.

Mrs. Conan had a crush on Clint Eastwood. I don't exactly resemble him but my mannerisms and behavior often reflect the characters he played.

She does like looks but actions really trip her trigger.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Realocean1 said:


> All you can do is leave the marriage. Or find a therapist who agrees with you, but therapists either tell you to cope and move on with it suppress it OR to CHANGE your situation which in this case can only be done via divorce.
> 
> Would an affair or your husband allowing you to sleep with another man solve this issue?
> 
> ...


It doesn't seem to me that her unhappiness is in any way about her wanting to have sex with another man or men.Its because her husband had sex with others that had caused this. She clearly sees sex as something very important and to be saved for the special one in our lives, so she is hardly going to want casual sex. Especially as she is married.


----------

