# The End Finally Came



## lifewithcrazy (Nov 21, 2013)

My marriage has been rocky for many years. For at least the last 11 years, sex has been an issue because I constantly felt used and empty when it was done. As I have posted elsewhere, my H had some serious personality issues that constantly caused problems. He was the poster child for passive-aggressiveness, refused to take responsibility for anything and instead wanted to shift blame for nearly everything on me, was lazy to the point of it being disgusting. Through therapy, support groups, message boards, people have repeatedly posted that he sounded like he was suffering from NPD and/or BPD, and after becoming active in a BPD community, I can totally see things so much clearer because so many stories resonated pretty deeply with me. 

I guess I always thought that when the end came, it would be because of some big event surrounded by a bunch of fanfare, and it wasn't like that at all. Instead, it was just yet another instance where he refused to take responsibility, was mocking me, laughing in my face, and calling me vulgar names as I brought up an issue that needed addressed that he didn't want to deal with -- his laziness; he literally spends hours and hours in front of the TV and does nothing around the house; or starts projects and never finishes them. I took on a lot of work this week to replenish our bank account after paying for surgery for our dog and really needed him to step it up this week because I was overwhelmed working 80 hours, dealing with a recovering dog, and the house, dinner, bills, life on top of it without some help. 

In that moment, I was just done -- done with the laziness, done with trying to accommodate his destructive behaviors, done being his scapegoat for his every screw-up, and I was done being spoken to like a piece of dog crap by the one person who was supposed to be my partner. 

So he's gone. I suppose I always felt like when this moment came, I was going to feel this great sense of relief...and I do, but I also am already second-guessing things. So I'm here to join you all as I navigate my way through the next few days, weeks, and months and figure out how to make this the last time we do this. We have had so many "recycles" through the years, with him either getting kicked out or leaving, then coming back, so many broken promises on his end about getting help for his myriad issues that were tearing us apart, only for things to go back to the same old, same old within weeks, and then we'd do it again. 

I've reached out to some awesome friends tonight, all of whom expressed relief that I finally did what I should have done so long ago. They have reminded me how unhealthy this relationship is, how your partner is supposed to have your back and not be the one stabbing you in the back, how I deserved so much better than what I was getting from my H, how I've put up with the abuse long enough. 

I have an exercise program I started last week that I'm going to hit with vigor, both to give me an outlet for stress and to lose those 20 pounds gained from medicine and stress.

I already had the divorce class bookmarked because I knew this was coming. So my son and I will be attending the next go-round of this. 

I am currently a freelancer and will need to return to "real employment," so I've redone my resume yet again tonight and am ready to send it out to 20 places I found tomorrow.

My son and I have had an awesome evening. It was the first time in a long time I've been able to breathe rather than hold my breath because I didn't know what was going to be the issue of the day. We cooked dinner in the kitchen together and laughed like we haven't in a long, long time. It's been pretty awesome. 

I transferred money from the bank account before he left, because last time he pulled this, $8,000 came up missing and I don't trust him not to leave me penniless. 

I plan on speaking to a lawyer on Monday and taking care of things like car insurance, switching phones, et cetera. 

What am I missing? What I've heard is that these next few days and next few weeks are going to be tough. I want to make sure I know what I'm up against so that I'm prepared for both my son and I so that we can, as quickly as possible, settle into a new, more peaceful, life.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

:smthumbup: Stay strong!!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Good luck!


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Oh, Life With Crazy ~

I was reading my life in your post. Yes, your H does have some "issues" and you DID do the right thing.

I've been in the "Recycle Business" for 5 years. I can save you time and money from YEARS of therapists, marriage counselers and psychiatrist.

My STBX does a some type of "personality disorder". He also has what I call the 4 A's: anger, avoidant, attachment and ADD.
He is emotionally immature and damaged.

Now, back to you, he was/has treated you poorly and deep down I think you know it. You are not a "team" that love and respect each other equally.

I KNOW it hurts but letting him go/getting rid of him is the best thing for you and your son. 

BJJMom was right, you must do this for your children as they should not be around all this dysfunction.

Our son is 28 and he said to me: "I cannot take this anymore Mom. I see you trying and I see Dad just being mean to you. When are you going to stop letting him treat you like $hit?"

You will go back and forth between did I do the right thing, why do I miss him, I am glad he's gone, what is he doing, I don't care with his doing. 

I have told me many professionals that those flip-flop in feelings are perfectly normal.

I am winding down from 31 years and it is very hard. Please get enough sleep and take care of yourself and your son.

Most importantly, know that you CANNOT change him and DO NOT CONTACT him.

I wish you the best. 

"Stay strong" and expect periods of "weakness."

Very Hurt


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## lifewithcrazy (Nov 21, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> Oh, Life With Crazy ~
> 
> I was reading my life in your post. Yes, your H does have some "issues" and you DID do the right thing.
> 
> ...


Huge thanks to you and BJ both for posting. 

I chuckled out loud when I read the four A's, because I swear my STBX has the same issues. The anger and avoidance were two of the biggest issues we had that could never be overcome. He refused to work with me to find solutions to nearly anything, preferring instead to avoid everything and just act like it didn't happen or convince himself that whatever I was telling him really wasn't a problem, that I was just "going crazy" that day and getting on him. I was talking to a guy friend last night and that is one of the things I said, until the final moment we were still arguing about things that happened a decade ago because nothing was ever resolved. He preferred, instead, to hold on to every transgression (perceived or real) nurture it until he was seething with anger, and then take it out on me somehow. We couldn't communicate because if I said black, he would say white; or he would hear something totally different than what I said, or make things up in his head that he thought I said, and another fight would break out. It got to the point where it was ridiculous and I gave up trying to talk to him because it was so unproductive. 

Mine, too, was horribly immature, and I told him yesterday that as he was talking he literally sounded like a 44-year-old kindergartener going, "Na, na, na, boo-boo. I know you are, but what am I?" So many times I have heard, "If you're going to do it" -- go to the gym, go out for a night, buy new shoes -- "then I'm going to do it, too." It was so immature and petty and every exchange came from a tit-for-tat mentality on his part. 

I have no doubt at this point that he treated me poorly -- certainly not the way a husband is supposed to treat their wife. He wasn't capable of it. Everything was a competition for him and he wasn't interested in being a partner. We had absolutely zero emotional connection whatsoever, because I didn't trust him given his many transgressions in the past that he refused to work on and make right -- I was just supposed to forget everything and wipe the slate clean and be all loving again, regardless of how much he hurt me; pretend that "it" (whatever it was) never happened and get over it with absolutely no resolution -- and he wasn't interested in learning how to be emotionally available. He would swear that he loved me but just couldn't show it. That's a problem as far as I'm concerned because I started paying attention to his actions, not his words, and they made it plain and clear that he really hated me. 

This worked for a while and I tried to compensate by doing things different, better, et cetera, but then I grew up and I realized that I wasn't getting, and never would get, what I was looking for out of a relationship in this marriage. Of course, he told me I was expecting too much. I don't think so. I simply asked for him to stop the constant lying, to be willing to work with me on solving issues and stop creating them, and for him to get some help with his communication and FOO origins that still haunt him to this day and keep him closed off emotionally. The reality is, he had made me the enemy in his mind because I started calling him on his crap and I was never going to be able to overcome that, and I just got to the point where I refused to continually be punished day in and day out for bringing up issues that needed fixed for things to work. 

Funny, I was talking to a divorced friend last night who has been apart from his wife for a number of years and he said the same thing: He is who he is and you can't change him. If he was going to make changes to be a better man and partner he would've done it by now, and you deserve so much better than trying to make a relationship work with an immature emotionally-stunted guy who isn't interested in growing. I'm long past the point of trying to change him or expecting changes. I laid everything out two and a half years ago, listened to so many promises that he saw the problem and was going to change. I said then, and know it to be true now, that he just doesn't have it in him to make any changes; he's narcissistic to the point of thinking there is absolutely nothing wrong with him and everything is someone else's fault. 

I still anticipate that there will be days ahead where I miss him or wish things could have been different. We were together for a lot of years and so the change will be difficult at times, I'm sure. The one thing I know for sure, though, is that I did everything, and then some, to try to address the issues and nothing I did worked, so I have zero regrets at this point. I think that helps. I will probably still be here whining in everyone's ears at times when the rough spots hit, but the marriage has been dead for a long time so in so many ways I already mourned the end.

I want to add that I know it looks like I'm trying to put everything on him right now, and I'm really not. I'm just saying that he had some pretty big issues that were not conducive to a marriage working without his being willing to address them. I've been hard on him for the past two and a half years after putting all my cards on the table, hearing his promises, living through the broken promises and zero change, and calling him out when his words and actions didn't match. I have approached him from a place of anger after repeating myself over and over again and being blown off, ignored, or made out to be the crazy one for having any expectations of him whatsoever. Heck, I have approached him from a place of anger because I was so hurt by his actions that I wanted him to hurt, too. I went from being willing to overlook a lot of things to just keep the peace to holding him accountable for his actions, and that sometimes turned ugly because I refused to play "let's just forget it and have a do-over" game any longer. I have approached him from a position of superiority at times because it was so frustrating trying to communicate and deal with life issues with a person with the mentality of a toddler who couldn't see how off-base they really were. I've fallen into the parent trap many times, and treated him like a child, because I was forced to always be the adult while he dodged responsibility altogether, and so I treated him that way. I'm sure it was emasculating sometimes. I was far from perfect and one of the things they talk about in the BPD group is to "stop the bleeding." In essence, change how I dealt with him so that things didn't get worse. I couldn't do that anymore because I refused to be the one to always be accommodating, overlooking things, carefully phrasing every word simply because he couldn't handle it because he didn't have the emotional maturity to. At the end of the day, I think I expected things he simply was not capable of giving, and I got angry at him for being so screwed-up even when I knew he was screwed-up.


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