# Advice needed



## spikey (Mar 15, 2012)

Hi everyone,
I'm sure this has already been covered but i'm looking for some advice regarding my marriage/mental health .
I love my wife and we've been together nearly 20yrs ,3 great small kids who I love to bits as well ,but there's one serious problem .
My wife and I both work fulltime,she in the city ,me outside the city ,the problem is I have been turned into the primary home carer because she considers her contract/temp job more important than mine which isn't necessarily true as I get a bit of flexibility in my job but that's not to say I can abuse my job -at the moment I barely work my full quota of hrs I'm supposed to because I have to drop the kids at school in the morning and be back in time to pay the childminder in the afternoon.

On top of this I clean the house,do the laundry,ironing,putting laundry away,running the kids to karate etc,bathing the kids basically it feels like I do everything with absolutely no gratitude at all from my spouse.

Our sex drives are completely different ,she wants once a month,I'd like once a week -not too demanding I think as we're both only 41 - I've spoken to her about this and it almost seems like a game to her ,i've asked her about her fantasies to which she has none ,she says she just wants sex to be quick and over ,she knows that i'll satisfy myself and then immediately after she'll initiate sex when otherwise she just wouldn't do so,therefore me being unable to perform just sends me into a downward spiral.
I'm currently feeling really depressed at the moment and my self esteem is so low i've started snapping at the kids and making life a misery for everyone around me.
Having these really deep dark thoughts about just driving into an oncoming lorry or the beam in the garage is also looking tempting -just to get out of this vicious cycle i'm finding myself in !!


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

If you find that you are not just having thoughts about harming yourself, but you are actively planning how to do it, you need to seek professional help and soon. Please do not try And work through these things yourself because if you are depressed you actually won't be able to do it. I have been there myself and if it wasn't for the support and medication that I received I honestly don't know what would have become of me. The good news is you will get better and stronger and you will be able to deal with the issues you have mentioned in a far better and productive way. good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spikey (Mar 15, 2012)

Thanks Nigel for the advice


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

May one ask was it always like this. All the twenty years you have been together or from when you had kids. I must agree there is something deeply wrong. Your roles seem to be reversed and I doubt there is something you can do about it.


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## spikey (Mar 15, 2012)

@accept -no it hasn't always been like this -she had a yr off after she lost her job about 2yrs ago.
Our roles are reversed and it's not so much that that bothers me it's the ingratitude that hacks me off the most -I don't want much in return ,We've spoken about this in the past and she perks up and is receptive for a while and then slides back into this state ,she also refuses to accept any blame for the breakdown in our marriage.
I'm genuinely at a loss


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I suppose saying she works in the city means she has a higher grade and better paid job than you. It may be time to quit your marriage somehow. Unless the threat of divorce will make her see sense, I cant think of what else will. I dont think MC will help but a relation or friend to talk to her may. Women have to 'admire and look up to' their husband. Once this is missing like in a role reversal everything is lost. Twenty years to be together is a long time these days, and women have to be continuously made aware of who their husband is. Once the 'respect' is lost its hard to regain it.


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## lovehurt (Apr 6, 2012)

i am newly married ...actually i got married 5 months ago and at first it went just amazing..
but these 3 days ago i felt like something has changed or something is missed !!
he don't has that passion towards me !! and his current way of talking to me is really weird ...
i donno whether it is a bad alert to our marriage !!!
i was just angry at him and this morning i didn't talk to him like i always do and because of that he treated me like nothing to him he went out without telling me a thing and stayed long time when he returned i asked him why he didnt tell me
he said he don't has to.
and even when i told him lets talk and work this issue out he told me that he don't wanna talk to me neither now nor later !!!
it has been always like that whenever I feel like I have a legitimate argument, he somehow turns it around so that I end up feeling like I did something wrong...maybe worse than that
i am always afraid ...and frightened that one day he will go back to his ex that he was deeply and insanely in love with her ... although when we got married i thought that he was a way over it ...
but from time to time he mention it remembering something from their past and this is really breaking me down !!! and last time was last night !!!!
i don't wanna make a fight with him every time he mention her because he will think twice before he 'd mention her infront of me again 
but that really really hurts ....i dont wanna lose him he is my life ...i truly love him like a crazy !!!
i wish he understand !!!
he don't talk to me now he said that he is well ready to stay so for 5 months !!!
doesn't him feel what i fell now !!!
i have always the same feelings the same emotions the same passion and love towards him...every time i go back home i bring him a rose and give him lots of kisses ....gosh we haven't even have an affair for like a week now ...please tell me what i should do coz i am sooooooo broken now


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## Subi (Apr 4, 2012)

To be honest i think he misses his ex and i think he blames you for ruining his marriage. He needs to deall with the guilt he has and that is why he is shutting you out. If you love him then you need to help him get over his ex. Pushing him to face up to your needs will only push him further away. Let him talk about his ex as much as he wants. Help him by listening. Eventually it will run its course. Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

spikey -- If you're experiencing suicidal ideation, then it's possible that you are actually depressed about your situation. Please get to a counselor so that you have a good outlet for discussing some of your feelings and discover strategies for coping with these problems.

You wife seems to have withdrawn from the marriage and from you. Look up the marriage builders website and see if you two can work together on strengthening your marriage. 

You seem overwhelmed by domestic responsibilities, and you should. It's time to hire some help -- a housekeeper, a carpool, or something like that. And it's time to talk to your wife about the imbalance here. You're both working and you can both share the household chores. It shouldn't fall on you just because your job is more flexible.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

lovehurt -- You should start your own thread so that you get more comments and support. And, you should consider posting this thread of yours on the Coping With Infidelity section because you'll get better support for this issue there.

He is not your whole life. You need to calm down. You love him and he is your partner, but you still have a life of your own. Maybe you're being too clingy and it's pushing him into the arms of the other woman more. Some men like the pursuit. You should back off and do the 180 and see if his attitude toward you changes. And, you really, really need to realize that there is more to life than your spouse. You have a whole self and a whole life that is all your own....if your husband wanted a relationship with a mirror or with himself, why would he be with you? You have to continue to be yourself and not keep trying to please him; it will be better for both of you.

It does sound like he's withdrawn from the marriage and maybe obsessing about his ex. You panicking about it will not help make things work. Don't pressure him to be romantic because he will go through the motions and not mean it and you won't resolve anything. Get yourselves to marriage counseling if you can.


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