# Don't recognise my H - or myself !!!



## wiser11 (Jul 9, 2011)

Right now I don’t know who my H is and I don’t know why I feel paralysed following it coming to light that he has been/is having affairs, disrespecting me, compromising my health throughout the entire marriage, mocking me with his women, and the rest. 

I consider myself to be smart, practical, wise , fair-minded and, although a quiet person, no pushover if someone crosses a line – approachable, easy going but nobody’s fool. 

Married 20+ years to the love of my life, a kind, moral, honest to a fault, hardworking family man who I would trust with my life and give my life for. A man who, if anything, loved me that bit more than I loved him. We had our ups and downs over the years but I never for a minute doubted we would grow old together.

Recently I read something which said that, even if undiscovered, affairs put up impossible barriers to a relationship. This is so right – for years at the pit of my stomach I have felt something is just not right and even when I felt happy there was an underlying sadness and confusion. I’ve put as much time and effort as I could muster to improve my marriage but my H is the type of man who does not like to talk and I’ve often felt a lack of emotional connection and support. 

I’ve somehow ignored red flags and my gut feelings thinking I was just being insecure and paranoid because the only other relationship I’ve had with a man ended when I found out he was cheating. I dropped him like a hot potato but we didn’t have a home, children, grandchildren together so dropping the old boyfriend was easy compared to my situation now. 

Inside I am in pieces, and feel physically sick. I feel tearful all the time but am proud to say I have managed to keep a lid on it and haven’t fallen to pieces. I am trying to look after myself and to be strong. However, can anyone shed any light on why I feel paralysed – I have not confronted him, am still sexual with him – trying to act normal. But isn't this me letting him hve his cake and eat it? I can't believe I am doing this?


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## wiser11 (Jul 9, 2011)

Early in the marriage I had 3 misscarriages – H accompanied me to subsequent investigative medical appointments. I was told I needed treatment for a routine infection and that my H would need treatment too so we did not reinfect one another. No internet way back then but when I found out about the affairs recently, I looked up the name of the infection only to find it was in fact an STD which can cause miscarriage in pregnant women. I recall how, at the time, my doctor asked to speak to my H privately, which I thought was odd, but I was given a plausible explanation by my H and thought no more of it – until recently. So, our babies died before they were born – I was devastated as you can imagine and talked with H about the possibility of adoption – he made it clear he never wanted to adopt. Thankfully I went on to have children later. Even though the miscarriages were so long ago, I find it hard to put the possibility of the babies dying because of my H out of my mind.

Like I said I do not consider myself to be a pushover and on two or three occasions over the years I have confronted my H about things that did not add up. He is normally so mild mannered but reacted by forcefully throwing down what was in his hands at the time and/or swearing and shouting his innocence right in my face. This was a big shock – he doesn’t swear or shout normally. Of course I had no actual proof and so after a long period of not talking we went back to normal. Without realising it, I stopped confronting him when I thought something was amiss – a combination of my thinking I was paranoid and not wanting to make wrongful accusations which would result in my hardworking responsible husband being made angry when he had done nothing wrong. I didn’t know that this was no doubt his tactic. It worked a treat. What a foooooooooool I am! 

Since coming to my senses (or not !!!) I have actually contemplated having a revenge affair with a male escort or gigalo. I really am not that sort of person and I cannot believe I actually considered this. My head can’t be right. Anyway, I know two wrongs don’t make a right and that if I allow myself to sink to this level I would never again be able to hold my head up high. 

I have considered living a sham of a marriage i.e. to ignore his affairs and continue to live together but this prospect comes unstuck because I could never have peace of mind. Even if we were to continue to share the house (with separate bedrooms) I could still not be at peace as I have reason to suspect that he has bugged my phone and has a keylogger on the computer-doubtless he (and maybe his woman/women) have mused at my heartfelt attempts to improve my marriage (I have been on TAM with a different user name bearing my sole in the past, trying as hard as I could to make a better marriage). Worst yet, I believe there is a possibility that a secret camera was placed in my bedroom at one point. I just cannot explain to anyone how that makes me feel . All this from the man I loved and who loved me above all or so I thought. Fooooooooooooool !

I have no idea who this person I am living with is or what he is capable of. No one who knows him would ever believe me if I told them about the affairs, let along the spying but I cannot ignore my gut any longer can I. But yet I am here, weeks on, pretending as best I can that all is well. Whilst I think I am right in not making a knee jerk reaction, I am in danger of letting my inaction drag on indefinitely. I owe it to myself to do something but I’m not sure what I am scared of.


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## wiser11 (Jul 9, 2011)

I cannot claim to be perfect and I must have played some part in all this. He has always refused to see a counsellor, won’t ever open up or give me any clue as to what might be wrong if we were having a “down”. Kept up long silences which wore me down and seemed happiest the more worn down I became.

In his middle to late forties he started to have ED issues, eventually needing magic blue pills. I believe I was sensitive to his feeling throughout and very patient in this area. Recently I’ve come to realise that he reserves the majority of his energies and supplies for his extramarital affairs. I’m only 2nd best (at best). Why am I tolerating this. Everyone says I look about 10 years younger than I am and I have a reasonable figure and look good. He is almost 10 years older than I and also looks somewhat younger than his years. Like I said I do not recognise myself anymore– maybe I am in shock or something – I don’t get it.

I feel an idiot but on the other hand it’s like I’m dealing with a mastermind infidel –a Lt Columbo of adultery if you will. I would laugh if it wasn’t so painful ! I have scant support mechanisms so again I feel paralysed but I know I have to do something. I would never advise anyone to do as I have done since the discovery, yet I still feel paralysed. 

I REALLY thought I was married to a good person. What to do ?????????????????????????


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

Gather your evidence and hit him with it. He refuses counseling? Then divorce him and take him for everything. Don't be a doormat and let him walk all over you, it's not a healthy way to live.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

First of all. I am so sorry that you find yourself here. 

This is a devastating thing to find out. There are so many acts of betrayal here over such a long period that it is hard to know where to start.
Lets start easily.

NONE of this is your fault. He CHOSE to have affairs that over the years have directly impacted your health and your fertility. 
He DID NOT TELL YOU he had given you an STD which led to two miscarriages. 
Nobody under any circumstances has the right to an affair. nobody has the right to inflict this level of emotional violence on anyone else.

DO NOT have a revenge affair. This will make you feel worse. 

You are not a fool. You trusted your husband. You trusted him because you loved him. He has betrayed that trust and your love. This is an incredibly hard thing to accept.

Most men "affair down" Your looks are absolutely nothing to do with this. His ED is common in men in there forties and probably has nothing to do with this.

Secret cameras, keyloggers, bugging. Are you serious? That is seriously weird..

You do have support. It is right here. 

Do you have any evidence of affairs? Any clues? Do you think one is running now?


If your husband is reading this with his keylogger.. FFS man. Grow some balls.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Go to SnoopFree Software - Spy software... Detect spy software...  Block spy software...  Stop spy software...  Protect your privacy! and download the free anti-keylogger software to protect yourself. You could also go to a library or internet cafe to send emails/surf TAM. Your cell phone and car could be tagged with GPS tracking software and/or recorders. Borrow a friend or relative's car and see a lawyer with your evidence. Take your cell phone to the phone company and tell them that you would like it reset to the factory default settings and all software/apps erased from it. After that, keep it under lock and key so that it will be secure. But remember that he can still probably see the numbers called on the bill, so don't call your lawyer with that phone.

Don't expose to your husband until you have a plan of action worked out with your lawyer. If he's as devious as you think, he may have money in hidden accounts, etc. You need a plan of action for how the courts can help you. And don't worry. They can. Divorce court is a man's worse nightmare.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

wiser11 said:


> Married 20+ years to the love of my life, a ..., moral, honest to a fault, hardworking family man...


Apparently not, otherwise you wouldn't be writing here. So I think your first step is to accept that he is not those things and stop describing him as such. He's a cheater and has hurt you, embarrassed you, belittled you by his actions.



wiser11 said:


> I consider myself to be ... no pushover if someone crosses a line – approachable, easy going but nobody’s fool.


Again, apparently not. Otherwise you would not be questioning why you feel paralyzed and have not confronted him about his affairs. So stop viewing yourself as something you are not and admit that you are afraid to confront him for fear of his reaction. Just based upon what you've written I would say you dislike confrontations (most people are like you) and have probably done MUCH in the past to avoid confrontations with your husband over the life of your marriage so as not to cause arguments.



wiser11 said:


> ... on two or three occasions over the years I have confronted my H about things that did not add up. He is normally so mild mannered but reacted by forcefully throwing down what was in his hands at the time and/or swearing and shouting his innocence right in my face.


That stopped everything in it's tracks didn't it. You backed right down and went on being the "good" wife. Your husband is likely manipulating your good disposition and also likely knows that an animated angry response will silence you because it is so unlike his normal behavior. The old "i'll act so outrageous that they will have to think I'm telling the truth."



wiser11 said:


> Since coming to my senses (or not !!!) I have actually contemplated having a revenge affair with a male escort or gigalo.


Don't do it. First, be the bigger person and keep the moral ground that you expected of him. He's below you now and you've got the upper hand. Keep it that way. Second, he'll only use such action by you to justify his own behavior and ultimately you having a retaliation affair will only come back and bite you hard. It might make YOU feel better in the heat of the moment, but others who are displaced from the whole situation will not look kindly on you either. Remember, YOU have all the power now. Don't give up that power by doing something stupid like having an affair.

You definitely need to confront him about it, but have your facts in order. Do not go in without ammunition (reasonable proof) otherwise he will simply deflect and make it all about YOU again. Be calm! Let him rant, rave, throw his arms up, throw things on the floor. Keep your cool, stay calm, simply sit down, look him straight in the eyes and say, "Are you done with your temper tantrum now?" Then hit him with the evidence again.

Say this over, and over, and over again until you believe it. I am the victim. My husband cheated on me and THAT is wrong. He will not use me or paralyze me. I do NOT deserve to be treated this way and he MUST acknowledge his behavior in front of me.

You are VERY angry, it is obvious from your posting. Ultimately, you are going to have to decide whether you can forgive his infidelity or not. Whether you can trust him again or not. Whether you can love him as a husband again. I would suggest you decide these things up front before you confront him, since part of your confrontation may include asking him to leave the house, or marriage.

His behavior was wrong and he has hurt you badly. Your priority now, as I see it, is to build yourself up enough to confront him and control him. You DO have the power right now. Just believe in yourself.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

I am sorry you find yourself in this horrible situation. I understand how letting go of a long marriage is so difficult. And how it plays with your mind to think that what you thought was pretty good, was actually not. I have recently split from my husband after 20 years, affairs involved, but not the whole story, and not to the extent of yours. You mustbe in shock!

You would find it very difficult to forgive and forget, don’t you think? Also this seems very ingrained in him, do you think he could truly change? Is it worth salvaging a marriage which ‘seems ‘ to have been functioning with the help of outside influences?

You are being incredibly strong keeping this to yourself, but it will eat away and make you ill. You will need to confront him, but you really need a plan to think what outcome you hope for, what you will do afterwards.

As you have kept it to yourself so far, do you think going to counselling yourself might be an option. Then you can truly work out what you need to do for yourself, and what your hopes for the marriage are..This might make you stronger when you confront him, as he is bound to come out with lies and excuses. Your self esteem might be very low at this point, you need to take back a little control. Take care and try to look after yourself.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

The signs are always there for those of us who are brave enough to read them, however sometimes it takes getting through the denial to do so.

My stbxh bought me a different computer, bought himself a separate cell and a motorcycle and had an EA which he still denies but I am no longer blind. Betrayal is very painful. Trusting again may be equally so and this is the TRUE sin that the EA/PA damaged.

My divorce is 6 days away. The hardest thing I have ever done but I did it for ME!


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## wiser11 (Jul 9, 2011)

Thanks to each and every one of you for taking the time and effort to respond to me in such heartfelt terms - it really helps so much to unburden myself a bit and to be understood - big group hug!


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## wiser11 (Jul 9, 2011)

Craggy 456 and Blacksand

I do agree there must be consequences for him and from now on I know I must put my own health and sanity first, not to mention my children. I cannot see a future for us being together but its hard to know where to start to end thinggs.


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## wiser11 (Jul 9, 2011)

ing said:


> NONE of this is your fault. .......
> 
> You are not a fool. You trusted your husband. You trusted him because you loved him.
> 
> ...





ing said:


> NONE of this is your fault. .......
> 
> You are not a fool. You trusted your husband. You trusted him because you loved him.
> 
> ...


Thank you ing coz you're right - you're supposed to be able to trust your own husband. 

I am concerned about not having concrete evidence on all my suspicions but I’m not intending to ignore my gut any longer. I feel apprehensive about going into detail on here as, although I now have a new laptop which I am trying to keep under lock and key, he knows I am on TAM and could easily stumble across my thread and be armed against me, so to speak, before I am geared up to confront him. However, I have seen suspicions put forward by others on here which got many many responses saying yes, their suspicions are legit and that there is an affair and the things I have in mind would, I am certain, be met with the same response. Pl forgive me for not being more open at this time and again I do so appreciate the support. 

All I feel comfortable to say at this point is that I KNOW he lied when he told me he was speaking to me from his office recently – I checked, and there is no two ways about it. There are numerous other red flags over the years and as the days and weeks pass I think of more. A little voice in my head says to me “innocent until proven guilty” and don’t be paranoid but now a competing voice says I am being duly rational and there is enough to “convict” as it were beyond a reasonable doubt. Also relatives have remarked to me about not being able to contact him at times and why does his journey home take so long (worked late/traffic he said) but one time I overheard him tell a friend that the journey time was considerably less than what he told me). When I brought this up he got very edgy saying he was talking about his journey from another work venue which he seldom goes to.

So to answer your question ing, yes I do have many clues I’m afraid.


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## wiser11 (Jul 9, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Go to SnoopFree Software - Spy software... Detect spy software...* Block spy software...* Stop spy software...* Protect your privacy! and download the free anti-keylogger software to protect yourself. You could also go to a library or internet cafe to send emails/surf TAM. Your cell phone and car could be tagged with GPS tracking software and/or recorders. Borrow a friend or relative's car and see a lawyer with your evidence. Take your cell phone to the phone company and tell them that you would like it reset to the factory default settings and all software/apps erased from it. After that, keep it under lock and key so that it will be secure. But remember that he can still probably see the numbers called on the bill, so don't call your lawyer with that phone.
> 
> Don't expose to your husband until you have a plan of action worked out with your lawyer. If he's as devious as you think, he may have money in hidden accounts, etc. You need a plan of action for how the courts can help you. And don't worry. They can. Divorce court is a man's worse nightmare.


Thanks for this guidance - I am not very technical so I bought a new little laptop and plan to get a new phone so as to secure my privacy. 

It would not surprise me in the least if he has assets I know nothing about. 

I also have a niggling feeling I don't want to own that he may have children I know nothing of - I have in mind his reaction to this being a possibility with a certain acquaintance and, although he is a good father, I have sometimes felt that hefeels they are a bit of a disappointment (like he's making comparisons (I hope they don't feel this, but maybe?) When people ask after them (or me for that matter) he is quick to move on to another subject. Well, now, perhaps you CAN call me paranoid but I've never voiced this perpetual feeling before! I know it's just my feeling.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I am sorry u are going through this, it is a huge mess and i would never wish this on anyone.

You having an affair on him will not make you feel any better, it will just make you feel worse then you already do. Don't stoop to his level.

A woman's paranoia (or mans for that matter) is there for a reason. Your subconscious knows that things just don't add up, and that something is wrong, but your brain doesn't realize it at the time. That is where the warning bells and reg flags come from.

Once that trust is broken, it will never ever recover fully, not like it once was. AND if you can not trust the man/woman you married, who can you trust?

NEVER ignore your instincts "gut feeling" It is almost always correct.

I have been married to a man for almost 14 years and I do not know him anymore. He has pushed me away and is cold. I haven't found anything and it has been over year, eventually i will find what I am looking for.

Keep your head up and stay strong.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Your lawyer can advise you best. However, his cheating may well affect the size of your divorce settlement.

An effective trick used often by people here is to buy a voice-activated recorder ($50-$100) and hide it under the seat in his car using velcro. Many a cheater has been outed using this device. And it's cheaper than a private investigator.

However, I think you have enough (particularly the STD evidence) to believe that he is a cheater.

Good luck hitting him where it hurts.


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## wiser11 (Jul 9, 2011)

BigToe said:


> .......
> You definitely need to confront him about it, but have your facts in order. Do not go in without ammunition (reasonable proof) otherwise he will simply deflect and make it all about YOU again. Be calm! Let him rant, rave, throw his arms up, throw things on the floor. Keep your cool, stay calm, simply sit down, look him straight in the eyes and say, "Are you done with your temper tantrum now?" Then hit him with the evidence again.
> 
> ............
> ...


Thank you for your input Bigtoe - this sounds like great advice. Big decisions to be made. 

Right now he realises somethng is up with me and is presenting all hurt and bewildered - I almost feel sorry for him but when I think of how I bled and bled on the bathroom floor with the first misscarriage my heart feels like stone towards him, I'm afraid.


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## wiser11 (Jul 9, 2011)

reindeer said:


> ... As you have kept it to yourself so far, do you think going to counselling yourself might be an option. ....


You are right - I should and will get some counselling for myself coz my health has not been the best recently, although nothing serious thankfully, and I need to work out where I want to go with all this as has been said. 

I am trying to be positive and deliberately looking for the good in my life to sustain me - e.g. luckily I can afford to buy a new computer and such like. I am also very appreciative of TAM and send sincere good wishes to all who struggle in their marriage.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

just read this thread, I have to ask- is the doctor who treated your miscarriages still in practice? That man deserves to have his license taken away for keeping the STD a secret from you!


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## wiser11 (Jul 9, 2011)

Quite some years back I heard the doctor had retired and gone to live abroad.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

DO the voice activated recorder and check the cell phone records for repeat calls or texts. Does he have an Iphone? Does he sync it with the home computer?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Saw your post here.

Looks like you are working your way out of the "state of paralysis and shock" you are in.


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## wiser11 (Jul 9, 2011)

Finally, I've confronted H about the STD, asking if he knew the infection we were treated for was an STD. He said *yes *he knew it was an STD and that when the doctor spoke to him privately he asked him if he had any extra marital sex to which my H replied no. Then he said that the doctor has not specifically said it was an STD but that he himself has assumed this because of the fact that we both had to be treated. I asked him to be completely honest and he said he had NEVER cheated on me at any time. 

Then (and this really infuriated me) he said that I had known it was an STD at the time and that we had talked about it! I flipped and said NO WAY, and if I had known I would never have stayed with him and gone on to make a life and have children with someone who had given me an STD that had caused my miscarriadges stating that I had never slept with anyone else and if I had an STD it had to come from him. 

It turns out the STD can go undetected for many YEARS. I have slept with 1 man other than my husband so it's possible I could have been the one who brought the STD into the relationship unknowingly. I don't know how many women he has slept with overall but he says the last time he had sex with anyone else was 3 years before we met. Eventually, on the basis that this STD can go undetected for many years, we have both conceded that either one of us might have brought the STD into the relationship. 

With H saying that he knew it was an STD at the time I wanted to know why he had not asked me if I been unfaithful at that time. I cannot imagine that a man would find out his wife had an STD and ignore it and continue to proceed to trying to have a baby which is what we did after we had completed the course of treatment. He responded that he never doubted me and concluded that the infection was something like thrush that you can get through sex but can also get without having sex.

Obviously we talked ALOT. I want to believe him that he wasn't unfaithful. On a few occasions he was actually very tearful and said althouth he might not have talked much about the miscarriages he felt it too and he was also particularly tearful when he said he felt humiliated that when he had tried to initiate sex recently I had kept him at arms length alot of the time, and why didn't I just say that I didn't want to sleep with him. I explained I DID want to sleep with him but was scared to do so because of my suspicions, althouth I suppressed this fear and went ahead some of the time.

Given all the above, his tears and him telling me how much he loves me and always has I want to believe him and I think I do. 

I'm now asking myself if I was paranoid and jumping to conclusions with all my other suspicions and could I have been mistaken about him not being at work when he said he was. I don't have any concrete proof. I don't like to think I've put him through alot of anguish and pain over the last few days if he was indeed always faithful. I have made myself ill both mentallyand physically over the last 6 months thinking about all this and it was only after going to IC recently that I confronted him. I should have confronted him sooner but just couldn't. (My IC feels I have a fear of confrontations)

Like I said I do want to believe him and I think I do but just to make sure I would like for him to agree to take a polygraph (I would be happy to take one myself to show him I never cheated on him) but he is against this and I don't want to push it. 

He has said he would consider marriage counselling and so maybe this is the best way forward as it is obviously not good for the marriage that we don't openly communicate about important stuff like STDs. For him to say he would go to counselling is big - he was always dead set against this.

He did contradict himself when I first confronted him about the STD but now I really want to let go of my fears and insecurites about him cheating. 

Sorry this is long but please let me know what you make of all the above and do you think I am right to believe him?


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

Wiser11 in sooo many ways you sound like the female version of me and he sounds somewhat like the male version of my soon to be ex. I don't put alot of stock in zodiac signs but I have to ask,is he a scorpio or you a pieces? If not,then you made me paranoid thinking that you are someone that knows my story and was wondering if you may be one of my relatives mocking me. I know that sounds psychotic but wow how you remind me of myself with the first few posts you made in this thread. You took (in several paragraphs you made) the words right out of my mouth. I am even tempted to tell you how your relationship may continue to turn out,lol. Nah,maybe I am being somewhat paranoid and silly lol.


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## wiser11 (Jul 9, 2011)

I would like him to take a polygraph because he now (conveniently?) does not recall shouting and swearing in my face when I confronted him once before some years back about things that I felt did not add up. How can he not remember? I've never seen him so volatile about anything before or since.

Also a little voice inside me is saying could his crying etc be an act? It really moved me to see him so upset and I really don't think he could fake that but I don't suppose I can ever be sure. 

He's always said that polygraphs cannot be relied upon and that him submitting to one would be him going against himself/changing who he is. He told me he thinks I am very insecure and that something must have happened in my past to make me so (which is true to the extent that I was cheated on before). 

Also, the fact that it is possible that one of us COULD have brought the STD into the relationship unknowingly from a previous relatioship does not mean that he didn't cheat during our relationship (I know I didn't). 

I also question whether all my fears will be gone if he passes a polygraph but right now I don't know what else might help me get the peace of mind I crave.


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

What's that thing they say around here? "Trust yet verify." Or something like that.

He DOES remember. Anyway, you were there, YOU remember. Right? 

Go get the VAR, or a keylogger, or something. Trust yet verify.


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## wiser11 (Jul 9, 2011)

Update re 2012

We had 4 or 5 counselling sessions about a year ago now. Counselling focussed on us communicating better and avoiding long episodes of not speaking at the slightest disagreement. Somehow I allowed the counsellor and my h to take the polygraph issue completely off the table. Instead we both signed a written confirmation that we had not been unfaithful to one another at any time. I went with this option because H had been saying how polygraphs were unreliable and if a person failed when they were telling the truth it could drive them to suicide, and how taking a poly was against his principles, would change who he was. I so wanted to believe that he was the person I thought he was that I let the poly issue go in favour of said signed written confirmation of fidelity and felt really relieved and ready to put this whole period of doubts out of my mind and was heppy to be moving with our lives. 

A couple of weeks after us signing as described above, I asked H what his feelings were about the benefits or otherwise of counselling (I had included my own thoughts and conclusions in the written confirmation and I wanted to get his take on things.) He asked me to give him a copy of what I wrote to refresh his memory and said he would respond after that.

When he responded it was to say that he has misread what he signed and that the last time he had sex with any one was not 3 years before we met but it was during the period we were apart for a year!!! Now the significance of this for me is that all along he had sort of implied that althought either one of us could have brought the STD into the relationship from a previous partner, it was more likely to befrom my side me because I had had the more recent sexual partner. The STD can apparently lie dormant for a number of years.

He says he doesn't know why he lied about saying he had not spept with anyone since 3 years before we met. He's now saying he slept with 2 people when we were apart for a year.

I didn't know what to think but after chewing things over for a week I prepared an updated "statement" and we both signed it and have never brought up the STD, miscarriages, fidelity questions since.


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## wiser11 (Jul 9, 2011)

2013

I've worked really hard to start over but it hasn't been easy. He probably thinks I've forgotten all about this stuff coz I work to suppress my doubts and vowed to myself to leave it with God to deal with H if indeed he has been unfaithful. There are reminder all the time, shows with people having affairs on TV, etc. but I haven't allowed myself to dwell on any lingering doubts, until recently.

He's been acting a somewhat sneaky - not necessarily about things pertaining to an affair (I think he is secretly watching porn; not that porn itself is a problem but the fact he is watching it secretly is the problem). Just the thought of him trying to hide anything from me sets off a trigger. All the doubts I had before are flodding back. Emotionally I am starting to feel like a wreck again and I am getting physical ailments too. 

I am coming to the conclusion that, with him not taking a poly, these doubts will never be completely off the table for me. What really hurts is the thought that my emotional well being and peace of mind is not important enough to him to actually take the poly, even if it is against his principles. 

Well you know what. Having tried to to get on with my marriage without the poly, I now realise that continuing to be with a husband who doesn't appear to care about my peace of mind is against my principles. I wish it wasn't but it is.

Shortly after we started the counselling I said I would not 
press him again about taking a polygraph. It is NOT now my intention to give him an ultimatum about taking one but for myself I know that I cannot go on as we are. 

I plan to write him a letter, explaining howI feel and telling him that despite my (our?) best efforts the marriage is over. If he wants to step up to the plate and offer to take a poly that would be welcome but I'm not optimistic that this will happen and must assume this will not happen.

Bottom line is the man I thought he was would not allow his wife to be in emotional turmoil if she had reasonable doubts to warrant asking him for a poly. The person I thought he was would bend over backwards to clear his name by any means possible. 
Surely STD's and misscarriages are not petty reasons for a person wanting a poly. Indeed, in the first instance the Cousellor suggested he take one without my even mentioning what was in my mind but he managed to get her on side and I let it go. I guess to some extent I was still in denial and only just coming out of it now. I really hope I have the strength to see things through without again allowing him a way out of finally addressing this important issue is our marriage.

I have recently been reading a thread started by Granny7 about questions of infidelity which occurred over 25 years ago and which continues to haunt her. I don't want to be in her position in 10 or 20 years time. Maybe the reason I have not posted in so long is because I just somehow resigned myself to staying in denial. If I have to start my life over alone, I'd rather do it now. 

Today is Valentine's Day. I'm not acknowledging the day with my h, or expecting anything of him and, most importantly, I don't even think I am disappointed about Valentine Day being a non event. Maybe this is progress on my part?

Any thoughts about the above would be so appreciated. Am I being unreasonable in desiring a poly. The thought of being on my own is real scary - I'm out of work currently, the wrong side of 50 and have never ever lived alone and have very little family/friends for support. Yet I feel I cannot let things drift hoping things will get better. I tried it for a year now and emotionally I am right back where I started. I'm scared I will chicken out again and just let things be and have regrets down the line.


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## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

I wish you all the strength and courage possible to stand up to your H and move on to a honest, happy life without the emotional turmoil he has brought to you. You're still young! It is scary to start over, but clearly you do not want to be feeling this way 20 years from now. 
I wouldn't be surprised at all if now that you have detached emotionally he will start listening to you and do what you need to feel better. What ever happens, I wish you all the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

You have a right to the truth. Your husband has deliberately misled you, he shouldn't be surprised that you are having difficulties trusting him now. 

I have also followed Granny7's heartbreaking thread. The most disturbing part is how it is taking a toll on her health. I am seeing similarities in your stories. 

I think you should consult an attorney just so you can get an idea what to expect if you decide on that route. Maybe if your husband knew you saw an attorney he might realize how serious you are about making a change.


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