# Cheated



## Lost82 (9 mo ago)

Me and my wife have been together for 19 years and she just confessed that in the years of our marriage 3rd or 5th she cheated on me with a guy she met at a hair show in Chicago she said she had a couple drinks and a shot of something and wound up in bed with another man she says she does not remember walking to the room but realized it was to late. She says she remembers bits and pieces. I know she’s in regret and sorrowful and says it was the worst mistake of her life. I have given her my all and have been faithful and the last 8-10 years have been the best years of our marriage I do still love her but I am not sure I can get over the fact that she put herself in that situation. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

I doubt she is telling you the whole truth and I kind of doubt that was the only time she cheated. I also question why she's telling you now.


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## Lost82 (9 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> I doubt she is telling you the whole truth and I kind of doubt that was the only time she cheated. I also question why she's telling you now.


Her dad just passed and there were things that he done to her when she was little tgat she just told me as well and says she couldn’t bare to hold it in any more she has completely opened up and told me things that has happened to her in the past as well. But the last 8 years our faith in God has grew a tremendous amount and the conviction got to her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why has she confessed now do you think after all these years?
You could ask her to take a lie detector test to see if there is more to it. Or if it's happened more than once. 
If she only had 3 drinks it's unlikely that she doesn't remember it or didn't know what she was doing.

Only you know if this is a deal breaker for you or not. For many adultery shatters a marriage completely. Some do make it work but the 15 years of deception and lying is a big issue as well.


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## Lost82 (9 mo ago)

Our faith in God has grown a lot and she is not a drinker at all but I can answer how many she had but at that time I also wonder if something was slipped in her drink idk 


Diana7 said:


> Why has she confessed now do you think after all these years?
> You could ask her to take a lie detector test to see if there is more to it. Or if it's happened more than once.
> If she only had 3 drinks it's unlikely that she doesn't remember it or didn't know what she was doing.





Diana7 said:


> Why has she confessed now do you think after all these years?
> You could ask her to take a lie detector test to see if there is more to it. Or if it's happened more than once.
> If she only had 3 drinks it's unlikely that she doesn't remember it or didn't know what she was doing.


That’s the last time she’s been anywhere without me as well


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

thunderchad said:


> I doubt she is telling you the whole truth and I kind of doubt that was the only time she cheated. I also question why she's telling you now.


Well usually I would agree.

I mean, if it was at a bar in Chicago and @Lost82 would never find out, why did she confess? EDIT: just read it was because of her dad passing and she just let the floodgates open....answered.

Have there been other instances when she was gone to another city? Was this business? Girl's trip?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lost82 said:


> Our faith in God has grown a lot and she is not a drinker at all but I can answer how many she had but at that time I also wonder if something was slipped in her drink idk
> 
> 
> That’s the last time she’s been anywhere without me as well


If people are drugged they can't usually remember anything. She does remember a certain amount. Also people who have cheated tend to minimize what they did and say they can't remember things. Plus it is many years ago so the memories may have faded. 
Can you trust her again? The marriage won't ever be the same, it can't be, but it's whether you think you can trust her again.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

> the years of our marriage 3rd or 5th she cheated on me with a guy she met at a hair show in Chicago


Ok, I just now picked up on this. So she cheated with a guy in a bar in Chicago on the 3rd year, and also went back to see him on the 5th year? So this wasn't just some one off thing.

So being married 19 years, this would have been 2006 and 2008. Does she still have him in contacts in her phone? How was it broken off? And can you be sure she hasn't contacted him since?

EDIT: Sorry, you said 3rd OR 5th year. My mistake.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> If people are drugged they can't usually remember anything.


I don't think this is a matter of drugging. He said it happened in the 3rd and 5th year of their marriage. I take that to mean she went back to sleep with him again. Maybe he means it was AROUND the 3rd or 5th year.

EDIT: Dammit, I read too fast...he said 3rd OR 5th year. Never mind.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Highly doubtful her conscience caused her to confess.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Why did she confess now? She’s telling you this happened twice, 2 years apart or that she had an off and on affair for 2 years? If it really was only twice, was it with the same guy in the same way? That’s really doesn’t pass the smell test. 

Three drinks will have you feeling real good but not make you forgetful. let’s be real. She was into this guy and did what women do, which to put themselves into situation that they know will lead to sex but then feign that they were too drunk to be really aware or the more usual, it just happened.


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## Lost82 (9 mo ago)

This was the only trip she has taken and it was a hair show so ya business I always wondered why she didn’t go on any more and she always said if I couldn’t go with her then she’s not going. I believe conviction got to her is why she finally told me


drencrom said:


> Well usually I would agree.
> 
> I mean, if it was at a bar in Chicago and @Lost82 would never find out, why did she confess? EDIT: just read it was because of her dad passing and she just let the floodgates open....answered.
> 
> Have there been other instances when she was gone to another city? Was this business? Girl's trip?


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## Lost82 (9 mo ago)

Your in the wrong forum lol


jsmart said:


> Why did she confess now? She’s telling you this happened twice, 2 years apart or that she had an off and on affair for 2 years? If it really was only twice, was it with the same guy in the same way? That’s really doesn’t pass the smell test.
> 
> Three drinks will have you feeling real good but not make you forgetful. let’s be real. She was into this guy and did what women do, which to put themselves into situation that they know will lead to sex but then feign that they were too drunk to be really aware or the more usual, it just happened.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Megaforce said:


> Highly doubtful her conscience caused her to confess.


Well, again, I usually would be jumping a cheater's s**t, but she wasn't caught, she confessed when the emotions came out about her father passing away.

So unlike probably 99% of the cases here, she came out with this willingly. I usually even make the argument that she might be scared the OM would out her to the husband, but in this case it was some unknown guy in another city, and unless she kept in contact with him and did see him after the initial incident, there was no threat of being outed.

So even though she had no business being in a bar and having drinks with another man, and she hasn't gone anywhere without her husband since, I am inclined to believe her, but that doesn't absolve her of having drinks with they guy knowing what it would lead to.

There needs to be consequences, but in this case they shouldn't be as severe as 99% of the other cases out there, IMO.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Ok, I just reread that it was the 3rd or 5th year. That sounds more believable but I still say she put herself in that situation because she was into the guy and thought to herself, What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Only difference is that in this case, Vegas was this hair convention.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Lost82 said:


> This was the only trip she has taken and it was a hair show so ya business I always wondered why she didn’t go on any more and she always said if I couldn’t go with her then she’s not going. I believe conviction got to her is why she finally told me


Ah, hair/beauty shows. I can tell you horror stories of some skanks in my hometown and a neighboring town. These women go to these shows, and the men must know it's a vajayjay fest, because almost all of them cheated on their husbands and they looked forward to these conventions every year.

So, is she still doing hair? If so, no more conventions for her.


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## Lost82 (9 mo ago)

She was having drinks with her co-workers they all do hair and said it was a group table of the people she knew and some she didn’t. 


drencrom said:


> Well, again, I usually would be jumping a cheater's s**t, but she wasn't caught, she confessed when the emotions came out about her father passing away.
> 
> So unlike probably 99% of the cases here, she came out with this willingly. I usually even make the argument that she might be scared the OM would out her to the husband, but in this case it was some unknown guy in another city, and unless she kept in contact with him and did see him after the initial incident, there was no threat of being outed.
> 
> ...


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## Lost82 (9 mo ago)

[yes still does hair and actually left the company she worked for less than a year later definitely no more hair shows 
QUOTE="drencrom, post: 20507816, member: 350296"]
Ah, hair/beauty shows. I can tell you horror stories of some skanks in my hometown and a neighboring town. These women go to these shows, and the men must know it's a vajayjay fest, because almost all of them cheated on their husbands and they looked forward to these conventions every year.

So, is she still doing hair? If so, no more conventions for her.
[/QUOTE]


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

drencrom said:


> Well, again, I usually would be jumping a cheater's s**t, but she wasn't caught, she confessed when the emotions came out about her father passing away.
> 
> So unlike probably 99% of the cases here, she came out with this willingly. I usually even make the argument that she might be scared the OM would out her to the husband, but in this case it was some unknown guy in another city, and unless she kept in contact with him and did see him after the initial incident, there was no threat of being outed.
> 
> ...


I'm going to roll back on this comment I made after @Lost82's reply that these were beauty conventions. Ok she wasn't caught but confessed and my original idea was that it was long ago and the chances of the OM outing her were slim to none.

However, if this is a regular convention she goes too, and the ladies pick up guys at these places, then maybe they got to talking and bringing up their stories of getting men in bed at these conventions that she might have feared the stories would come back to you in some way.


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## Lost82 (9 mo ago)

First one she has ever been to and hasn’t went to one since


drencrom said:


> I'm going to roll back on this comment I made after @Lost82's reply that these were beauty conventions. Ok she wasn't caught but confessed and my original idea was that it was long ago and the chances of the OM outing her were slim to none.
> 
> However, if this is a regular convention she goes too, and the ladies pick up guys at these places, then maybe they got to talking and bringing up their stories of getting men in bed at these conventions that she might have feared the stories would come back to you in some way.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

drencrom said:


> Well, again, I usually would be jumping a cheater's s**t, but she wasn't caught, she confessed when the emotions came out about her father passing away.
> 
> So unlike probably 99% of the cases here, she came out with this willingly. I usually even make the argument that she might be scared the OM would out her to the husband, but in this case it was some unknown guy in another city, and unless she kept in contact with him and did see him after the initial incident, there was no threat of being outed.
> 
> ...


Yes, but there are myriad other ways that exposure might have been a risk other than the OM coming forward. It is possible conscience alone was the motivation, but highly unusual. Once someone has crossed the cheating line, I think it is prudent to be highly skeptical re motivation for confessing. One way to potentially find out is insistence on a polygraph.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Megaforce said:


> Highly doubtful her conscience caused her to confess.


i do not know about that. plenty of people change over time.
especially if she has gotten religion, and this one affair was weighing on her conscience.

if i were counseling her, i would have told her to take that knowledge to the grave, and NOT tell her husband. That is because now, she is causing you PAIN that you in no way deserve, just to have a clean conscience.

but its done, she told you. 

I guess i would want the whole truth. maybe, as said in another thread today, get her polygraphed. You want to know if what she told you was the whole truth about this affair, and if there had been ANY OTHER affairs over the years that she conveniently has forgotten to tell you about. If the polygraph comes back that she is being truthful....well a key part of being religious is to forgive....


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## Lost82 (9 mo ago)

We live 12 hours away so there was no way of getting back to me
QUOTE="Megaforce, post: 20507836, member: 352152"]
Yes, but there are myriad other ways that exposure might have been a risk other than the OM coming forward. It is possible conscience alone was the motivation, but highly unusual. Once someone has crossed the cheating line, I think it is prudent to be highly skeptical re motivation for confessing. One way to potentially find out is insistence on a polygraph.
[/QUOTE]


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Megaforce said:


> Yes, but there are myriad other ways that exposure might have been a risk other than the OM coming forward. It is possible conscience alone was the motivation, but highly unusual. Once someone has crossed the cheating line, I think it is prudent to be highly skeptical re motivation for confessing. One way to potentially find out is insistence on a polygraph.


Well, I did roll back on my comments because if this was beauty conventions, then the gossip that would swirl with the women at the beauty shop just could have gotten around to @Lost82.

So there might have been a reason she confessed if she thought that gossip would get back to him somehow.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Lost82 said:


> Me and my wife have been together for 19 years and she just confessed that in the years of our marriage 3rd or 5th she cheated on me with a guy she met at a hair show in Chicago she said she had a couple drinks and a shot of something and wound up in bed with another man she says she does not remember walking to the room but realized it was to late. She says she remembers bits and pieces. I know she’s in regret and sorrowful and says it was the worst mistake of her life. I have given her my all and have been faithful and the last 8-10 years have been the best years of our marriage I do still love her but I am not sure I can get over the fact that she put herself in that situation. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.


What prompted her to confess?

Any kids?


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Lost82 said:


> We live 12 hours away so there was no way of getting back to me


Not even with the chatter from the ladies at the beauty shop? If in a small town, then everyone knows what they did on those trips. Bigger city, less likely to get back to you.


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## Lost82 (9 mo ago)

I’m definitely going to talk to the girls she went with
QUOTE="drencrom, post: 20507841, member: 350296"]
Well, I did roll back on my comments because if this was beauty conventions, then the gossip that would swirl with the women at the beauty shop just could have gotten around to @Lost82.

So there might have been a reason she confessed if she thought that gossip would get back to him somehow.
[/QUOTE]


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Lost82 said:


> …I also wonder if something was slipped in her drink idk


Entirely possible.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Lost82 said:


> We live 12 hours away so there was no way of getting back to me
> QUOTE="Megaforce, post: 20507836, member: 352152"]
> Yes, but there are myriad other ways that exposure might have been a risk other than the OM coming forward. It is possible conscience alone was the motivation, but highly unusual. Once someone has crossed the cheating line, I think it is prudent to be highly skeptical re motivation for confessing. One way to potentially find out is insistence on a polygraph.


[/QUOTE]
Well ,if you think about it, there really are a number of ways i.e. she told someone about it and it has gotten out.
But, her motivation does not seem to be the most relevant factor. Rather, it is the fact that she did it, cheated. Can you live with that and be happy? Takes a lot of mental gymnastics.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You said you are Christians so it is entirely possible that her guilt and hiding the betrayal just got too much.
You can forgive with Gods help, but you are also free to end the marriage. 
I would say that yours is one of the few instances where you could make a go of it, if that is your choice. 
Have you got anyone in your church you could talk to about this? The Pastor?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

With the limited information we have, I would say this sounds like a one off event. It may or may not be worthwhile to talk to the other women she was with. If they know anything and you know them, then it would mean they've been keeping it secret. Could you really trust what they have to say. 

You just have to decide if you can live with the fact that she had sex with another man while married and if there will be any consequences for her.


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## Lost82 (9 mo ago)

I do but I have so much love for her that I don’t want her to be looked down on I honestly believe it was a accident I look back now and she has never wanted to drink again or go out to restaurant by herself like she was almost scared. But 15 or so years of deception is what I’m having a hard time with. I want to get through it but my mind is all over the place. Trying to analyze what happened or why and all I can say she was waisted or drugged.I messaged her and said people leave out details to lighten the blow and that I hope she’s telling me what she remembers


Diana7 said:


> You said you are Christians so it is entirely possible that her guilt and hiding the betrayal just got too much.
> You can forgive with Gods help, but you are also free to end the marriage.
> I would say that yours is one of the few instances where you could make a go of it, if that is your choice.
> Have you got anyone in your church you could talk to about this? The Pastor?


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## Lost82 (9 mo ago)

Your right I guess I just want to know if they seen anticipation or what they seen I probably should not dig into but can’t help it
QUOTE="BigDaddyNY, post: 20507884, member: 349678"]
With the limited information we have, I would say this sounds like a one off event. It may or may not be worthwhile to talk to the other women she was with. If they know anything and you know them, then it would mean they've been keeping it secret. Could you really trust what they have to say. 

You just have to decide if you can live with the fact that she had sex with another man while married and if there will be any consequences for her.
[/QUOTE]


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Lost82 said:


> Your right I guess I just want to know if they seen anticipation or what they seen I probably should not dig into *but can’t help it*


That last part is important. Will you ever get enough information? Probably not. You could dig and dig and it will never make you forget.

Suppose it is exactly as she has described, will you be able to live with it and stay married to her? BTW, the only right answer is your answer.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Her friends will tell you nothing if they are loyal to her. 

Anyway, I'm sorry this happened to you bro. My only consolation to you is that I have myself seen women get so blackout drunk that they did indeed lose a lot of control and did things they probably were not planning on doing. But I have never ever seen one who lost her memory. Your wife remembers, and I do think she is minimizing her culpability in how it went down. As one person here said, if a person is drugged they usually have zero memory of the occurrence. That is not what we have here. 

Your wife put herself in a position where this could and did happen, and she needs to own her **** and take responsibility for that. If she has been a good wife, and the love of Jesus and the good ol' Holy Spirit are telling you to forgive her and move on, then I guess you have to do what you have to do. But the little I know of true repentance is that the person repenting has to first of all tell the whole truth, accept full responsibility for the sin, and then take active steps to ensure they never put themselves in a situation where they sin like that again. Has your wife met those criteria?


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## Lost82 (9 mo ago)

I believe she is owning it she says there are no excuses and she should have never put herself in that position and she does take full blame.she never goes anywhere with friends anymore I use to tell her to go to more shows and she never would I guess I know why and she is scared when we would go out and would have to leave when I look back on how she acted throughout the years after that I can honestly say it was definitely not anticipated and could have been more than just drinks but idk


ArthurGPym said:


> Her friends will tell you nothing if they are loyal to her.
> 
> Anyway, I'm sorry this happened to you bro. My only consolation to you is that I have myself seen women get so blackout drunk that they did indeed lose a lot of control and did things they probably were not planning on doing. But I have never ever seen one who lost her memory. Your wife remembers, and I do think she is minimizing her culpability in how it went down. As one person here said, if a person is drugged they usually have zero memory of the occurrence. That is not what we have here.
> 
> Your wife put herself in a position where this could and did happen, and she needs to own her **** and take responsibility for that. If she has been a good wife, and the love of Jesus and the good ol' Holy Spirit are telling you to forgive her and move on, then I guess you have to do what you have to do. But the little I know of true repentance is that the person repenting has to first of all tell the whole truth, accept full responsibility for the sin, and then take active steps to ensure they never put themselves in a situation where they sin like that again. Has your wife met those criteria?


I figure I’m going be broken whether I stay or leave so I would like to work it out but I have another voice saying leave 
QUOTE="BigDaddyNY, post: 20507911, member: 349678"]
That last part is important. Will you ever get enough information? Probably not. You could dig and dig and it will never make you forget.

Suppose it is exactly as she has described, will you be able to live with it and stay married to her? BTW, the only right answer is your answer.
[/QUOTE]


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Get into counseling. You need to talk to a professional to help guide you through the fog and the pain of finding out you were cheated on. You and her both need individual counseling with a licensed, qualified professional. Do not go to a pastor or some unqualified church counselor, as they are neither trained nor educated in how human psychology works. Your WW needs to go to therapy also to deal with her issues. It sounds like she has some serious ones, including some kind of agoraphobia. Don't do couples counseling until she and you have both worked on your issues separately and are fully prepared to save the marriage.


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## Lost82 (9 mo ago)

I believe your right and the last 10 years have been the best years of our marriage as well and to throw that away is hard to swallow


ArthurGPym said:


> Get into counseling. You need to talk to a professional to help guide you through the fog and the pain of finding out you were cheated on. You and her both need individual counseling with a licensed, qualified professional. Do not go to a pastor or some unqualified church counselor, as they are neither trained nor educated in how human psychology works. Your WW needs to go to therapy also to deal with her issues. It sounds like she has some serious ones, including some kind of agoraphobia. Don't do couples counseling until she and you have both worked on your issues separately and are fully prepared to save the marriage.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Just remember that time is on your side. Slow down and take time to process what happened. DO NOT make her any promises. Tell her you will not be pressured into either staying with or leaving the marriage. Tell her that she has broken your trust, and that she will have to earn that trust back by showing you, through her actions, that she is working on herself to become a more stable and trustworthy woman. This is going to take years to get through. It doesn't matter if this adultery happened sixteen years ago. She has had all that time to absorb and process what she did. For you it has just been a couple of days. 

Make her take an STD test and a PAP smear for HPV. HPV can linger for years before asserting itself and a wife can transmit the virus to her husband. She may have brought home a new pet sixteen years ago that you haven't been aware of.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Well I don't know if she was roofied or not but the fading in and out can happen. 
We've had one on here before.

Either way she has confessed to you and opened up which can bring your marriage to a higher and closer level.

Or it can break it to pieces. Only you know which one you can handle. 
It doesn't sound like she is in any danger of repeating the past and that she loves you enough she wanted you to know.

So how do you want to react? Do you want to forgive move forward in a deeply connected relationship? or do you want to mistrust or not move forward? 

I think in this case you have an incredible opportunity to deepen the relationship but I also have no experience with cheaters so maybe I"m being naive.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I dont agree at all that you need therapy or counselling, except some MC maybe. If you can forgive her and she can forgive herself you can get through it with time if you choose and want to. 
Do you have a wise older married couple in your church? If so ask to go and see them together. Maybe you can go a few times to talk it through and pray. 
Also pray about it together and ask for clear guidance. You will get it. 

It wasn't an accident, it was a stupid decision made by a person who isn't used to drinking, one that she regretted and has regretted ever since. I doubt she was drugged, if she isn't used to drinking then a few drinks can make you feel pretty woozy and can make you do stuff you wouldn't normally do.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

As more has been revealed, it looks like this was a drunken ONS and that your wife has walked the straight and narrow ever since. I do question why confess now after nearly 15 years and how much of her ending up going to his room was her putting herself in that situation because she was into that guy. With so many years having gone by, It can be easy for her to subconsciously rewrite the history in her head, from her being into the guy and being flirty all evening to, I don’t remember most of what happened, so that she’s not as much of a villain. No one wants to be the bad guy in their story.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jsmart said:


> As more has been revealed, it looks like this was a drunken ONS and that your wife has walked the straight and narrow ever since. I do question why confess now after nearly 15 years and how much of her ending up going to his room was her putting herself in that situation because she was into that guy. With so many years having gone by, It can be easy for her to subconsciously rewrite the history in her head, from her being into the guy and being flirty all evening to, I don’t remember most of what happened, so that she’s not as much of a villain. No one wants to be the bad guy in their story.


Plus no husband wants to think she was the bad guy.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Lost82 said:


> I believe your right and the last 10 years have been the best years of our marriage as well and to throw that away is hard to swallow


How was your marriage around the time of the ONS? You mentioned that the last decade of your marriage have been very good but that kind of makes me think that the prior years were not so good. Was she distant or indifferent during those years? I hope that this really was only a drunken ONS and not that she’s testing the waters to reveal more betrayals that took place during those years. Trickle truth is very common.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Sorry you are here. You just experienced what we call DDay and it is a painful experience.

As others have said, the sudden confession is suspect... there is a chance she felt threatened that someone would tell you.

The main rule with cheating is to not 'rugsweep' the situation which would be forgiving or moving on without fully getting to the bottom of it. When rugsweeps happen, questions linger and circle in your mind and it ends up leading to resentment and usually a later DDay #2.

It is possible that she is telling the complete truth, but history as a guide with cheaters, it is very unlikely. Perhaps you have a unicorn on your hands, but doubtful.

Typical advice is: ask her to provide a written timeline of any extra marital sexual activities / crushes / emotional attachements to others. Then tell her she will be polygraphed on the timeline (you don't necessarily actually have to do that, but the threat of it will change the dynamic).

Questions that should be addressed:

1. Did anyone else know what happened, either from her telling them or from them being around / hearing about it?
2. Did she have further contact with the guy? If so, when and how.
3. What specifically happened between them (memory thing is the classic copout to I don't want tell you what I really did), that night and others?
4. Why didn't she tell you sooner and what is her real reason for confessing.

99% of time when a cheater confesses, it is a very watered down, very understated version of the real truth. If 'they kissed', they had sex. If they 'had sex once', they were at it for months... etc.

You can't forgive what you don't know... and right now you don't know a lot of things.

You need to investigate this fully, contact the other co-workers that were there, do the timeline etc.

If after all that it turns out she is a cheating unicorn and is telling the full truth, maybe you figure out how to keep moving on together based on the fact 'things have been good' for 10 years. Although for me, I don't think I could as your marriage has really been a lie for a long time.... had you found out about this a few days after it happened, I would assume you would have divorced... so you've been living a lie for a long time.

The worst part of this is that you likely held your wife on a pedestal, and that has now crumbled and likely will never return, regardless of what happens.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So a couple questions because it's not clear why is the year of the marriage when it happened unclear (3rd or 5th?). Was it a one time thing? Did she take a lot of trips before then? How long after it happened did she tell you? Or how many years did she keep it secret? How long ago did she confess, or how many years have you been trying to deal with this? For a lot of people it's much more painful the first 2 years. Remember for the person that finds out, the healing starts that day. So her cheating is new at that point.

That being said, first of you shouldn't just believe her, cheaters lie and they are well practiced and good at it. There are some really horrific stories of people going on work trips and basically losing their minds. It would make sense if possible depending on the time to get some corroboration.

Was she drinking? It almost sounds like a date rape type situation, these stories are hard becuase then it becomes what happened before the fact. Even if she had no intention of sleeping with him there still could have been boundaries pushed that were against the marriage, and depending on when she confessed that she kept it hidden from you which is still a breach of the marriage vows.

The thing with cheating is the default and standard response should be and is usually ending the marriage. For those of us who have been cheated on in the past it's really no surprise that you feel like you do. I think very often there is a vocal subset of those who have been cheated on who push the idea that your marriage can be better then ever. That may even be true in some small amount of marriages, but even then usually better then ever is more about the status of the marriage before there was cheating being very dysfunctional. So better doesn't mean good. Some people who push this seem like they are trying to convince themselves more so then anything else.

There is also a motivation for those selling marriage building material, and counseling. Generally speaking a marriage counselor is not going to tell you, "yeah, you probably will think about this every day for the rest of your life", even though posts like that are very common on message boards with people who are trying to stay together in the aftermath, even decades later. Christians often have a cultural reason for the marriage to stay together as it's embarrassing for the marriage to fail it has nothing to do with your well being. It's pretty clear that you can divorce for cheating and it is not a sin. Forgiveness doesn't have to mean staying together. 

Unfortunately all of this pressure very unfair to the person cheated on because I think this sets up a false expectation in a lot of BS. Worse still, the faithful spouses who are suffering often see this as some sort of failing on there part, when it's just human nature and in most circumstances wise to be at least a little bit guarded. From being around these boards for a while I think it much more reasonable if you stay together to see this as something you won't get over, but some folks can learn to live with. The point being the way you feel is perfectly normal, this is really pretty standard to what staying with someone who cheats on you is like.

Cheating is abuse. The person who cheats on you removes your ability to make inform choices in your life, to give informed consent. The only reason why it's not treated that way as a standard is because most of the time the damage is not visible. Think of it this way, your spouse beat you up and put you in the hospital do you think your marriage could go back to the way it was before. How about a business partner who stole from you, if after you caught them you decided to continued the business with them would there ever be a point where that wasn't in the back of your mind? For most people that is just not realistic and for a lot of us it makes sense that that is so, because that is just a wise stance to take.

I think the first thing you need to do is reframe your expectations. This is going to be a part of your marriage as long as you have a marriage, of course it's a very big part of your history. Accept that. I would suggest that if you haven't had at least a few long and in depth conversations about this you should. She should be open to this. You should also talk about your feelings with her and let her know exactly how you feel. Your doubt, your suffering. At the very least give her a chance to try to make it better before you end it.

At the end of the day I can tell you if you move on it does go away. Once you love someone you don't feel the pain anymore. That is because the thing that gives it it's power it the love you have for the other person. Once you love someone knew your ex is just someone you knew who did something terrible to you, but you current life takes priority. It truly goes into the past.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Quite frequently, "I don't know" is wayward spouse speak for "Yes, I remember, but you will not like what I have to say."


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> i do not know about that. plenty of people change over time.
> especially if she has gotten religion, and this one affair was weighing on her conscience.
> 
> if i were counseling her, i would have told her to take that knowledge to the grave, and NOT tell her husband. That is because now, she is causing you PAIN that you in no way deserve, just to have a clean conscience.
> ...


I would counsel the opposite, tell the truth. Like I wrote in my other post cheating is abuse, specifically because as long as you don't tell the truth you remove informed consent from your partner decision making about their future. To me this is monstrous and I would want my partner to tell me, pain or not.

Not telling is a grave injustice in my mind and immoral.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Regardless of whether you decide to reconcile or not, I would move her out for awhile. Give yourself some time apart to get your thoughts together. It's also nice to give some consequences, even if you plan to forgive her, she doesn't need to know that yet.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

sokillme said:


> So a couple questions because it's not clear why is the year of the marriage when it happened unclear (3rd or 5th?). Was it a one time thing? Did she take a lot of trips before then? How long after it happened did she tell you? Or how many years did she keep it secret? How long ago did she confess, or how many years have you been trying to deal with this? For a lot of people it's much more painful the first 2 years. Remember for the person that finds out, the healing starts that day. So her cheating is new at that point.
> 
> That being said, first of you shouldn't just believe her, cheaters lie and they are well practiced and good at it. There are some really horrific stories of people going on work trips and basically losing their minds. It would make sense if possible depending on the time to get some corroboration.
> 
> ...


I believe this is true, regarding the state of the marriage going forward post infidelity. 
When I first realized that it would not be possible for me to get past this and remain married to my XW, based on my reading, I thought that I must be an outlier, one of the few for whom this was an absolute dealbreaker.
Much of the literature and video out there proclaimed that marriages, often, improved after reconciliation. But, I know I was incapable of getting past it. And, I beat myself up a bit thinking that I must be a particularly unforgiving, grudge holding type.
This was strange, as, historically, I was very forgiving, perhaps to a fault.
As time went on and I talked to more BS, I realized that it is very common to never get past this such that a decent marriage could be had going forward. In fact, I came to realize that this true in the majority of cases where the CBS disclosed that infidelty had occurred. 
There is no shame in getting out. The rates of reconciliation cited by the businesses involved in fee based reconciliation services seem to be inflated to me.
It has always seemed to me that a lot of cheaters' motivation for staying is the result of a desire to avoid conseqvs a true love and desire for the BS.


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## Lost82 (9 mo ago)

No we were good definitely had to get use to being married but no deal breakers but will say if she would have told me when it happened I would of left no questions asked now it’s different and we’re on a whole different level of love or was right now


jsmart said:


> How was your marriage around the time of the ONS? You mentioned that the last decade of your marriage have been very good but that kind of makes me think that the prior years were not so good. Was she distant or indifferent during those years? I hope that this really was only a drunken ONS and not that she’s testing the waters to reveal more betrayals that took place during those years. Trickle truth is very common.


Thank you


Anastasia6 said:


> Well I don't know if she was roofied or not but the fading in and out can happen.
> We've had one on here before.
> 
> Either way she has confessed to you and opened up which can bring your marriage to a higher and closer level.
> ...


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Lost82 said:


> Me and my wife have been together for 19 years and she just confessed that in the years of our marriage 3rd or 5th she cheated on me with a guy she met at a hair show in Chicago she said she had a couple drinks and a shot of something and wound up in bed with another man she says she does not remember walking to the room but realized it was to late. She says she remembers bits and pieces. I know she’s in regret and sorrowful and says it was the worst mistake of her life. I have given her my all and have been faithful and the last 8-10 years have been the best years of our marriage I do still love her but I am not sure I can get over the fact that she put herself in that situation. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.


It's funny this post came up. About 3 years into my marriage, I cheated as well (no affair, just one night stand or two night stand) and thought that was history and forgotten about it. Boy was I wrong, the other day something triggered it and my wife kind of shut down and when I asked what was wrong, it came out. I had no idea that stays in there so long, probably won't ever go away. 

I definitely don't think it's something to get divorced over though. Maybe you can line up a hall pass if you play your cards right... (unpopular opinion)


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Lost82 said:


> I believe your right and the last 10 years have been the best years of our marriage as well and to throw that away is hard to swallow


You don't get this kind of understanding from me regarding cheaters, but it could be she woke up and realized "If I don't straighten up, I'm going to lose the best thing that ever happened to me"

Again, your situation isn't quite like 99.9% of those on here. I will almost tend to hold a "dump the cheating scum" view. But this time, not so sure. I'm leaning towards her possibly being one of the rare ones that can change and did because she realized maybe she was being a complete fool.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Lost82 said:


> Me and my wife have been together for 19 years and she just confessed that in the years of our marriage 3rd or 5th she cheated on me with a guy she met at a hair show in Chicago she said she had a couple drinks and a shot of something and wound up in bed with another man she says she does not remember walking to the room but realized it was to late. She says she remembers bits and pieces. I know she’s in regret and sorrowful and says it was the worst mistake of her life. I have given her my all and have been faithful and the last 8-10 years have been the best years of our marriage I do still love her but I am not sure I can get over the fact that she put herself in that situation. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.


That's a wrap. 

She lied, deceived you, gave herself to another man. There is nothing to save. 
You are better off just getting her out of your life. Things will never be the same....your old life, relationship is toast. That is never coming back. You'd be a nervous wreck checking up on her and always wondering if she is telling the truth if you elect to believe her BS "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I love you" spiel she'll dump on you. 

Just move on. She's ruined this marriage. It is dead.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Mybabysgotit said:


> Maybe you can line up a hall pass if you play your cards right... (unpopular opinion)


The problem with this is that even if it's agreed on, it just adds more problems to the already overflowing plate. It's unrealistic to think he AND his wife wouldn't have issues from it, and that makes everything FAR harder to deal with. Maybe they would get lucky but it's far more likely that his wife would go through the same feelings as any other BS (regardless of what she did and that it was "agreed on") and that he would feel like **** for doing it, going to that level, etc. and can never take it back. I understand the desire to get even (I did it) but it's 100% not worth it.

Two wrongs don't make a right - or make a betrayal any better.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Hall pass? No, this dude loves his wife and even though she hurt him with her confession, he doesn’t strike me as the type to stoop to that level. He is looking to make sure that if he forgives her that can honestly put it behind him and their marriage continue to flourish. 

I also suspect that he wants to be sure there are no more skeletons in the closet but more importantly that she really did naively put herself in that situation and that it wasn’t her hot after this guy. If her story is really true, and she has been a model wife since, then this should be something they can work through.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think there could be an opportunity to reconcile, but there is SO much that you don't know, honestly. ONS don't happen in a vacuum. The fact that she's hazy with the details doesn't mean she 'forgot,' it means she wants to forget...now.

But, people can make mistakes. If your faith has grown since this 'event,' then it's very possible she has changed for the better, that she is sorrowful and only concerned now for the well being of her marriage.

It's a tough position to be in, finding out after the fact, but my concern would be what don't you know. That she kept it secret for so long, and so on. But, out of all the stories I've read on here, yours sounds like it has hope for a better future, especially since the last decade has been going well for you both. Hope things work out!

Side bar - something I've noticed in our culture, and on this site with stories such as these, is that many tend to give women a 'hall pass' but men not so much. As if women can't act on their own, someone must have drugged wayward wives, or tricked them, or the husband was to blame. Then, the betrayed spouse wants to beat up the guy who 'did this' to his wife. Many women can be just as selfish and deceptive to their spouses as many men - but for some reason, many people in our culture have a difficult time believing that.

Not saying your wife OP is deceptive - but this is more of an observation over the years on here, and in our culture in general.


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

Lost82 said:


> Her dad just passed and there were things that he done to her when she was little tgat she just told me as well and says she couldn’t bare to hold it in any more she has completely opened up and told me things that has happened to her in the past as well. *But the last 8 years our faith in God has grew a tremendous amount and the conviction got to her.*





Diana7 said:


> Why has she confessed now do you think after all these years?
> You could ask her to take a lie detector test to see if there is more to it. Or if it's happened more than once.
> If she only had 3 drinks it's unlikely that she doesn't remember it or didn't know what she was doing.
> 
> Only you know if this is a deal breaker for you or not. For many adultery shatters a marriage completely. Some do make it work but the 15 years of deception and lying is a big issue as well.


Isn't nice to see resident Jesus lover tell an OP to stick it to his Saved wife. I know that it gives me a small pleasure. Because, my friend, it helps to know the hypocrites; I just love Micheal.

Op, it sounds like you two are on the right path. Talk to each other.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Megaforce said:


> I believe this is true, regarding the state of the marriage going forward post infidelity.
> When I first realized that it would not be possible for me to get past this and remain married to my XW, based on my reading, I thought that I must be an outlier, one of the few for whom this was an absolute dealbreaker.
> Much of the literature and video out there proclaimed that marriages, often, improved after reconciliation. But, I know I was incapable of getting past it. And, I beat myself up a bit thinking that I must be a particularly unforgiving, grudge holding type.
> This was strange, as, historically, I was very forgiving, perhaps to a fault.
> ...


Yeah unfortunately a lot of the advice is money driven at least when it's professional.

Change is difficult and there is a natural fear of the unknown, it's easy to sell hope to those folks suffering. If you want to see what reconciliation looks like go read on any message board the people trying to do that. That seems to be an honest depiction of the day to day life. It generally doesn't seem very happy for most. Look both staying and leaving are hard but one seems to recover a lot quicker and most of the time completely.


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## Lost82 (9 mo ago)

Thank you


jsmart said:


> Hall pass? No, this dude loves his wife and even though she hurt him with her confession, he doesn’t strike me as the type to stoop to that level. He is looking to make sure that if he forgives her that can honestly put it behind him and their marriage continue to flourish.
> 
> I also suspect that he wants to be sure there are no more skeletons in the closet but more importantly that she really did naively put herself in that situation and that it wasn’t her hot after this guy. If her story is really true, and she has been a model wife since, then this should be something they can work through.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mybabysgotit said:


> It's funny this post came up. About 3 years into my marriage, I cheated as well (no affair, just one night stand or two night stand) and thought that was history and forgotten about it. Boy was I wrong, the other day something triggered it and my wife kind of shut down and when I asked what was wrong, it came out. I had no idea that stays in there so long, probably won't ever go away.
> 
> I definitely don't think it's something to get divorced over though. Maybe you can line up a hall pass if you play your cards right... (unpopular opinion)


Show me a cheater that thinks their marriage has recovered and it's all in the past and I will show you the person who was cheated on and wishes they had a time machine.

Putting aside the moral implications of the hall pass, which in real life I wouldn't do. Just logistically I always think it's a mistake because what if you decide you like the hall pass better? After all they haven't cheated on you so they can actually provide some hope to escape the pain. Now you have to make the decision do you stay or move on. So just more suffering.

It's funny to me that a hall pass is the suggestion by lots of WS, which kind of shows the disconnect between the two types of people. For the WS it's just cheating right, no emotion, just sex.

But to someone who wouldn't cheat it's about the bond and loyalty. So if you cheated on your spouse who values loyalty maybe introducing a potential new person into the mix who has never cheated and has the potential to now fill the gap of the missing loyalty isn't the best strategy. You know you are compeating right? Them staying with you isn't guaranteed, and you already come with a lot of baggage. You are probably a trigger. This new person will feel like an escape. This is a hallmark of all cheaters, NO FEAR.

Honestly if that new person is willing to cheat with a married person then these hall passes are probably still not a great choice. Still if you are already on thin ice now you want to offer up someone shiny and new with a fresh slate that you have to compete with? It just shows the mindset. For a cheater it's just sex, faithful people usually don't think that way.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Side bar - something I've noticed in our culture, and on this site with stories such as these, is that many tend to give women a 'hall pass' but men not so much. As if women can't act on their own, someone must have drugged wayward wives, or tricked them, or the husband was to blame. Then, the betrayed spouse wants to beat up the guy who 'did this' to his wife. Many women can be just as selfish and deceptive to their spouses as many men - but for some reason, many people in our culture have a difficult time believing that.
> 
> Not saying your wife OP is deceptive - but this is more of an observation over the years on here, and in our culture in general.


Speaking as a guy, there a lot of men like to idolize and even infinitize their wives. It's kind of a mythology that is built into western culture. Women are the fairer sex. Women are demure and naturally wholesome. All men are dogs, and it's only the very troubled easy to spot rare women who is too. Even - women need to be protected which is not wrong in certain contexts.

But to some traditional guys this can really put them at a disadvantage because it leaves them vulnerable. It's inconceivable to these guys that there wives are just as much the player as their affair partners are, sometimes even worse. It's a lot easier to believe your wife was tricked then to believe she willfully stabbed you in the back, even if the latter makes much more logical sense.

No one gets tricked into an affair, everyone knows whats going on. If they were not aware they wouldn't lie and cover it up. It's easier to take them back if you believe they were tricked though. So some of it is willfully putting your head in the sand.

By the way there is definitely a subset of women who pray on guys like this. These guys are marks to women like that. They use the little red riding hood thing to take advantage. "Oh help me it's the big bad wolf, meanwhile she was out there praying on everyone with the wolf when he was away hunting". A few stories on this board that follow this pattern.

Guys: there is no adult women alive who doesn't know when she is being hit on, she has been experiencing it her whole life as soon as she hits puberty. If they say they had no idea don't believe it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Speaking as a guy, there a lot of men like to idolize and even infinitize their wives. It's kind of a mythology that is built into western culture. Women are the fairer sex. Women are demure and naturally wholesome. All men are dogs, and it's only the very troubled rare women who is too. Even women need to be protected which is not wrong in certain contexts.
> 
> But to some traditional guys this can really put them at a disadvantage because it leaves them vulnerable. It's inconceivable to these guys that there wives are just as much the players who their affair partners are, sometimes even worse. It's a lot easier to believe your wife was tricked then to believe she willfully stabbed you in the back, even if the latter makes much more logical sense.
> 
> ...


This makes sense. And yes, most of us women know when we're being hit on. Of course, men do take advantage of women who may be drunk...that does happen. If a guy is much taller/stronger/etc than a woman, it wouldn't be hard to ''convince'' her if she's drunk, to come back to his hotel room or whatever. But, when it comes to cheating, ownership falls on each party 50/50. If a woman was drugged, raped, etc...that wouldn't be cheating, she would be a victim of a crime at that point.

I'm sure my husband would be devastated if I cheated on him, but I'm not sure he'd excuse my behavior just because I'm a woman. I'm not going to try to find out lol


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> This makes sense. And yes, most of us women know when we're being hit on. Of course, men do take advantage of women who may be drunk...that does happen. If a guy is much taller/stronger/etc than a woman, it wouldn't be hard to ''convince'' her if she's drunk, to come back to his hotel room or whatever. But, when it comes to cheating, ownership falls on each party 50/50. If a woman was drugged, raped, etc...that wouldn't be cheating, she would be a victim of a crime at that point.
> 
> I'm sure my husband would be devastated if I cheated on him, but I'm not sure he'd excuse my behavior just because I'm a woman. I'm not going to try to find out lol


Yeah we should still be mindful that the drug thing does happen (Cosby anyone?). It may be the case here who knows and it was a long time again now so not easy to prove, unless this guys is a predator and in jail or something. OP's issue is just as much about the lying about it for years and in that case he has every right to be hurt, it's still a betrayal.


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Guys: there is no adult women alive who doesn't know when she is being hit on, she has been experiencing it her whole life as soon as she hits puberty. If they say they had no idea don't believe it.


It's a shame, isn't it. Most women find out early, young. I pray for my daughters, for the men who prey on them. I think of it often and try to teach them to protect themselves.
The good men of this world do take the fall out of the bad.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

harperlee said:


> It's a shame, isn't it. Most women find out early, young. I pray for my daughters, for the men who prey on them. I think of it often and try to teach them to protect themselves.
> The good men of this world do take the fall out of the bad.


Well when it's inappropriate it is. Lots of times it's fun if it's age appropriate, in the context of being single and done in a flirty way.

The point is it seems to me, having a Mother who was a home coming queen, and pretty sisters that being hit on it's pretty much a normal aspect of their lives. This is universal, even with women who are not beauty queens. No one is tricked.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

@Lost82

I think you need to ask more questions before you prepare to forgive any of this. You should be pretty angry about this right now.

You obviously look down on the cheating, so I wouldn't stoop to the same level with a hall pass idea... that never helps.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

OP, I would suggest you check out @No Longer Lonely Husband ’s story. His wife actually had an affair, not just a one-night stand. He was able to repair his marriage. 

Usually I am in the “kick the cheaters to the curb” crowd, but your wife’s self confession does open the door for real remorse. However, you need to do “Due Dilligence” in checking out her story. Why confess after so many years? Was her cover about to be blown? Is there more to her story than what she is telling you? Is this a sign that she has some irremedial flaws in her to make her a poor choice for a wife and life partner? Could there possibly be a paternity disparity with your kids? 

Once you get all the information– VERY THOROUGHLY— you can then decide how to proceed. And remember this: to her, the cheating occurred years ago. To you, the wound is fresh because you just found out. She needs to be committed to do WHATEVER you need to heal and give the marriage a shot at saving. That means TOTAL honestly, backed up by a polygraph if needed for your own sanity. 

Start with @No Longer Lonely Husband as your guide.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

harperlee said:


> Isn't nice to see resident Jesus lover tell an OP to stick it to his Saved wife. I know that it gives me a small pleasure. Because, my friend, it helps to know the hypocrites; I just love Micheal.
> 
> Op, it sounds like you two are on the right path. Talk to each other.


Stick what to his wife?????? 
I think they have a very good chance of making it work, as I said on another post, if he can forgive and learn to trust again. She is repentant and clearly feels guilty and seems genuinely sorry. 
The decision is his, no one else can know if this is a deal breaker for him. 
I hope they make it, I really do. It would be sad if this ended their marriage when they clearly love each other.


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

The truth is what you want. A polygraph will help. If she is telling the truth, she will agree to the exam without reservation. If she has something to hide, she will give it away by refusing to take the exam. Just the thought of having to take the test might "jar" her memory.


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## Schek (Jul 2, 2019)

Polygraph?? Do you know how many women are in the world?? Find a nice one. Run. Quickly.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Whoa Nellie...3rd or 5th year? She can’t remember? Not a good sign to start off with. She calls it a mistake? Hmmm. I’m most curious why the confession so long after the incident. I’m all for R if the circumstances warrant, but I do not have enough background to adequately analyze your situation.

First of all it was not a mistake it was a decision she made. Secondly, is your wife a survivor of child sexual abuse?

I repaired my relationship, long story, but I was able to right the ship due to an extremely remorseful wife. I gather yours may be, also. Still a few holes in what you post.

Feel free to PM me if you wish to elaborate in more detail. My advice is simple “ is your life better with her in it, our out of it?” From your post all has been well since then. I would hate to see you toss away what may now be a good marriage.

I would strongly advice you to get into MC with a male MC. No women MC. I think there is much below the surface not posted here.
A poly may be in order in this case to ease your mind.


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## Lost82 (9 mo ago)

I’m guessing on the year it was when she went to the hair show in Chicago 12 hours away said she had a few drinks with her friends a few guys came over and he gave her a shot and deal was done.She has cried remorsefully everyday since she’s told me so. And yes I found out when her dad died that he messed with her.


No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Whoa Nellie...3rd or 5th year? She can’t remember? Not a good sign to start off with. She calls it a mistake? Hmmm. I’m most curious why the confession so long after the incident. I’m all for R if the circumstances warrant, but I do not have enough background to adequately analyze your situation.
> 
> First of all it was not a mistake it was a decision she made. Secondly, is your wife a survivor of child sexual abuse?
> 
> ...


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

drencrom said:


> unlike probably 99% of the cases here, she came out with this willingly





jsmart said:


> If her story is really true, and she has been a model wife since, then this should be something they can work through.





*Deidre* said:


> If your faith has grown since this 'event,' then it's very possible she has changed for the better, that she is sorrowful and only concerned now for the well being of her marriage.


I'm also a "kick to the curb" proponent on here in most of the cases. I advocate forgiveness, however I don't believe forgiveness necessarily demands reconciliation.

The Lord Jesus Christ said "seventy times seven". As one cheated upon, I can attest to the difficulty of His commandment. In time (lots of it) I forgave my WW. However, I also came to a point (because I saw absolutely NO remorse in her) that I recognized that I could not be "safe" emotionally being her husband. This was because there was no CHANGE in her attitudes following when her OM broke it off (it wasn't her, she would have been continuing it).

I'm thinking, in your case, that your wife is indeed remorseful, and that her being a model wife since, is the proof. The proof is always in the behavior, not in the words, if there is true repentance, and not just lip-service.

I'm very sorry to hear of her CSA. But, this is not relevant to her cheating. Perhaps her final admission of it can pave the way for her own healing. She no longer feels the "responsibillity" to protect her dad. Dad will now face his Maker and account for his actions. 

Her drunkenness is also not an excuse. Alcohol REVEALS. She must recognize that her cheating stemmed from her moral system, not from the drinks.

I know (and can attest to myself) that the Lord Jesus Christ changes people who allow Him to do so. The change He gives is permanent and real. He changes the "inside" person, and the "outside" person shows forth the change. I believe your wife has allowed Him to change her.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

The one question I'd have is, did she wake up with the guy? Go out for breakfast? Exchange numbers?

Or did he do his thing and leave? The latter might indicate just too damn drunk or even roofied. 

Does she remember the sex itself? Or was it a complete blackout?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

drencrom said:


> Does she remember the sex itself? Or was it a complete blackout?


Let me guess. "I don't remember."


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

drencrom said:


> The one question I'd have is, did she wake up with the guy? Go out for breakfast? Exchange numbers?
> 
> Or did he do his thing and leave? The latter might indicate just too damn drunk or even roofied.
> 
> Does she remember the sex itself? Or was it a complete blackout?


I think these are very valid questions. @Lost82 All the details won't make you ever forget, but it can make you feel more comfortable with your decision. She probably won't like answering really detailed questions, but she has to understand that you need to know 100% of what you are being asked to forgive.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

I, along with others, don't understand her motive for telling you about the affair after all these years. It is obvious that you would not find out on your own. I understand her feeling guilty and full of regret, but by telling you now there are two people hurting instead of one.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Let me guess. "I don't remember."


She would remember if she woke up with him. And if she did, what was the interaction between them like?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

@Lost82, hang in there. It’s not the end of the world, although I can tell you from experience you feel like it. Where you are at is temporary. Keep that in mind. It is not permanent. The ball is in your court now and what you do with it is up to you.

As I told you in my earlier post, she did not make a “mistake”. She made a choice a decision to cheat. So you know this is part of who she is/was. She has that capability. That is what makes a decision to R a risk that must be carefully calculated based on your unique circumstances. Infidelity is not a “one size fits all” situations.

Has your marriage been good since that time? Has she shown any other signs that may indicate other infidelities? Now, due to this, if you were like me, you have found yourself questioning everything. It drove me crazy initially, until I was able to put down the bottle and start thinking clearly several years ago. 

My question that played over and over like a hook in a song in my mind was “will my life be better with her, or without her?”. I thought of all of the good times over what was an almost thirty year marriage at the time. Dday was two months before our thirtieth anniversary. So, I had to think of all of the good she had done. She was a good wife, she was a good mother, she went the extra mile for those in need, she was a good person. I made a list of pros and a list of cons. Did this for almost a week. Finally, after much internal deliberation I found that if she was remorseful, I could give R a try. Thankfully, it worked.

Now, while this instance was years ago, for you, it is like yesterday. It is a recent occurrence. Sucks doesn’t it. But, my advice is not the standard knee jerk kick her to the curb, bust her ass, mentality you will find from the vast majority on this board. My advice is to first take your time, second think before you act. There is no need to do something rash. The main thing is are you the type that can forgive and move forward with her. I will be brutally honest. In some situations, the only option is to divorce. We cannot answer that for you, only offer our opinions. And you know the old saying about opinions... I will leave it at that.

I would encourage you to have her write you a narrative of what transpired from start to finish that evening. It will be a tough read and ask everything to a “T” what was going on, what she did, what she felt, what he was like,etc. Then schedule a polygraph and think of 4-5 key questions. Poly’s are not 100% reliable, but can be useful. If you do go the polygraph route, find someone reputable, preferably former law enforcement. They are the best I was told my my attorney. I did it with my wife, and it while embarrassing for her, gave me confidence her timely for the most part was pretty accurate of her nine-month transgression against our marriage.

You have to make a decision, but do not make it in haste. Make it from a standpoint of having all of the necessary information you feel you require. Lastly, whether you R or D, you must forgive. Not optional, mandatory, or this **** will eat you alive.

Also, as I said earlier regarding MC, should you choose that route. No female MC! You need a male MC so he sees it from your perspective. My cousin is an LCSW, and she advised me from experience that when the woman is the perp, the betrayed spouse should seek an MC of the same gender. From my experience, our MC was nothing short of stellar.

Best.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> She made a choice a decision to cheat. So you know this is part of who she is/was. She has that capability.


Respectfully, I believe most have that capability, under the wrong circumstances. We are all just one poor decision from catastrophe. Witness people who have one drink too many, get in their car and kill someone.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

The best thing of all of this is your wife’s refusal to go anywhere without you after it happened. She stopped doing anything that would put her in a position that it could happen again.

I don’t believe it was a mistake, we all make bad choices at times. I think she remembers more then she is saying. Her crying every day could be because she is reliving it in her head, not in a good way.

The post that I have read, the cheaters are mostly over the affair emotionally. They say it was so long ago and meant nothing. Why are you so upset.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

From experience, these conventions are a hotbed of infidelity. My client was the company that produces books of styles for stylists. They put on this convention for years. One fellow showed up with his WW who apparently had a fling with my client’s staff. He was discharged right after the last convention, so few people commented he was there to keep his WWs legs glued together. We were wrong. He was hunting. He was hustling women back to their room, and making his WW watch. Purposeful torture. He left the convention floor at least five times over the three days. People who knew were going up to the WW who said she was enduring this punishment and humiliation as it was the only way he would stay. He held the paper on her salon, and if he left, she would be ended. She took her medicine.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Rus47 said:


> Respectfully, I believe most have that capability, under the wrong circumstances. We are all just one poor decision from catastrophe. Witness people who have one drink too many, get in their car and kill someone.


I will quote scripture Romans 3:23 “ For all have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory.”


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

It seems that there are two issues: The affair that happened 14 years ago and the ongoing deception that continued until she came clean just recently. One is old, one is new. The very recent continuing deception is not ameliorated by the fact that the affair was a long time ago. It's a tough situation.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

As has been suggested, it would behoove you to have her take a poly. Her willingness to take it will tell you a lot. Also, make sure you follow through and have her take it even if she gives you the parking lot confession beforehand


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

drencrom said:


> The one question I'd have is, did she wake up with the guy? Go out for breakfast? Exchange numbers?
> 
> Or did he do his thing and leave? The latter might indicate just too damn drunk or even roofied.
> 
> Does she remember the sex itself? Or was it a complete blackout?


@Lost82 , Dren, is asking a good question that your wife should answer. These should be details she definitely remembers. Hopefully she woke up disgusted with herself and either the guy was already gone or she had him
leave immediately but if she instead had a second round followed with going out for breakfast and exchanging numbers, then, that's a more F'd up situation. Of course, even if she indeed did have a follow up romp in the morning, it really doesn't mean you can't forgive. Unlike so many of the threads we get on TAM, her actions for the past 14 years, should carry a lot of weight.


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## Lost82 (9 mo ago)

She said he left and she stayed in the room crying and couldn’t even go the rest of the shows and didn’t leave her room she hasn’t stopped crying since she has told me. Unfortunately I have treated disgustingly bad the last several days but things just burst out I know she’s remorseful. 


jsmart said:


> @Lost82 , Dren, is asking a good question that your wife should answer. These should be details she definitely remembers. Hopefully she woke up disgusted with herself and either the guy was already gone or she had him
> leave immediately but if she instead had a second round followed with going out for breakfast and exchanging numbers, then, that's a more F'd up situation. Of course, even if she indeed did have a follow up romp in the morning, it really doesn't mean you can't forgive. Unlike so many of the threads we get on TAM, her actions for the past 14 years, should carry a lot of weight.





drencrom said:


> She would remember if she woke up with him. And if she did, what was the interaction between them like?


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## Lost82 (9 mo ago)

She said she would take a poly no problem at all and insisted so I told her make the appointment she agree without hesitation so when she makes I’m going to have her cancel because then I know she’s telling all


sideways said:


> As has been suggested, it would behoove you to have her take a poly. Her willingness to take it will tell you a lot. Also, make sure you follow through and have her take it even if she gives you the parking lot confession beforehand


She said he left and she stayed in the room crying and couldn’t even go the rest of the shows and didn’t leave her room she hasn’t stopped crying since she has told me. Unfortunately i


jsmart said:


> @Lost82 , Dren, is asking a good question that your wife should answer. These should be details she definitely remembers. Hopefully she woke up disgusted with herself and either the guy was already gone or she had him
> leave immediately but if she instead had a second round followed with going out for breakfast and exchanging numbers, then, that's a more F'd up situation. Of course, even if she indeed did have a follow up romp in the morning, it really doesn't mean you can't forgive. Unlike so many of the threads we get on TAM, her actions for the past 14 years, should carry a lot of weight.





drencrom said:


> She would remember if she woke up with him. And if she did, what was the interaction between them like?


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Taxman said:


> From experience, these conventions are a hotbed of infidelity. My client was the company that produces books of styles for stylists. They put on this convention for years. One fellow showed up with his WW who apparently had a fling with my client’s staff. He was discharged right after the last convention, so few people commented he was there to keep his WWs legs glued together. We were wrong. He was hunting. He was hustling women back to their room, and making his WW watch. Purposeful torture. He left the convention floor at least five times over the three days. People who knew were going up to the WW who said she was enduring this punishment and humiliation as it was the only way he would stay. He held the paper on her salon, and if he left, she would be ended. She took her medicine.


Two wrongs does not make necessarily one right, but it sure does make for one major clusterfcuk.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Lost82 said:


> She said she would take a poly no problem at all and insisted so I told her make the appointment she agree without hesitation so when she makes I’m going to have her cancel because then I know she’s telling all


This is good news. Follow through with the idea of the polygraph and at least get to the parking lot 30 mins before a supposed appointment to see what she says. As for actually doing the poly, that is up to you, the parking lot is usually where they spill some additional info.... even when they have agreed to do it...


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Lost82 said:


> She said she would take a poly no problem at all and insisted so I told her make the appointment she agree without hesitation so when she makes I’m going to have her cancel because then I know she’s telling all
> 
> She said he left and she stayed in the room crying and couldn’t even go the rest of the shows and didn’t leave her room she hasn’t stopped crying since she has told me. Unfortunately i


DO NOT CANCEL the poly!!

Just because she "said" she would take it and "insisted" doesn't mean ANYTHING at this juncture. 

Actually following through and taking it is all that matters. Also YOU should be setting the appointment up NOT her.

Listen, you came here for a reason. If you don't get the answers you're desperately seeking this will continue to haunt you for years. 

Don't let FEAR keep you from finding out the truth. Don't rug sweep this. Also don't take your wife's tears as remorse at this juncture. Yes she confessed but YEARS later.

We know you want to forgive her but doesn't it make sense to know exactly what you're forgiving her for? Just because she confessed does not mean she's told you everything. Again she was SO upset that it took her this many yrs to tell you the truth? It's certainly a start, but trust me, if you don't get the entire truth, this will mess with you for the rest of your life. 

In order to get the truth you have to be willing to confront this and STOP making excuses for your wife. Could your wife be telling the truth? It's possible. But why not dig deeper to find out??

Maybe, just maybe, you don't want to find out the entire truth because of the fear of finding out that there's more to the story and than you've come to the realization that your wife lied all those years and is still lying. Hard to handle what she's told you thus far but to then find out she's looking you in eyes and lying even more??

What would this do to you?
Would it make you want to walk away from your marriage?

Follow through on the poly. You set up not her. Make her take it even if the night before or when you pull into the parking lot to take the test she starts spewing another detail and then swears that's it.

Your wife has lied to you for years!!!

See how far she's willing to go to prove to you that you have the entire truth. She owes you this!!
She should be willing to do ANYTHING. Notice I said "do" and not "say". Her words right now mean nothing. A poly is your next move!!!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Lost82 said:


> She said he left and she stayed in the room crying and couldn’t even go the rest of the shows and didn’t leave her room she hasn’t stopped crying since she has told me. Unfortunately I have treated disgustingly bad the last several days but things just burst out I know she’s remorseful.


So far from what you have revealed, she does seem sincerely remorseful. We have had many threads that included confessions for a past affair/ONS. After further digging, many of those turned out to be worse than first confessed and many of the confessions were spurred by a pending exposure. But in this case, I’m sensing true remorse. 

Going through with the poly may give you the piece of mind to give her a second chance; though to me, her past 14 years is a strong testament of her character that I could see forgoing that step. But that is up to you. I know even a drunken ONS hurts like hell but compared to the usual carnage we see. This seems to be an instance that the marriage can survive.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Lost82 said:


> She said he left and she stayed in the room crying and couldn’t even go the rest of the shows and didn’t leave her room she hasn’t stopped crying since she has told me. Unfortunately I have treated disgustingly bad the last several days but things just burst out I know she’s remorseful.


You cannot treat her badly, I know this is hard, but you have to live with yourself after you do something you later regret. Lord knows I was extremely ungentlemanly once I found out. And even during R, I tossed verbal zingers at her she just took silently that now I wish I had not directed towards her.

She knows you are angry. It is best just to avoid her when you feel your anger rising to the extreme. However, your anger is not your fault. It is all on her. Just do not go to extremes. I did, I was cruel. To quote EAP...don’t be cruel.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Diceplayer said:


> I, along with others, don't understand her motive for telling you about the affair after all these years. It is obvious that you would not find out on your own. I understand her feeling guilty and full of regret, but by telling you now there are two people hurting instead of one.


This is my one big complaint about cheating and revealing.

First off, it is best to divorce, and then to fool around.

That said, many fall into that trap and stray and play and pray they do not get caught.

They want the marriage to continue, and also to have a little fun on the side.... and along the way.
Then, it should remain, forever a secret.

And, never done again!

Totally wrong, totally selfish, yet if it was kept a forever secret, the innocent party is truly kept from (actual and known) harm.

Yeah, I know, their agency has been stolen from them. Who can fairly argue with that?

Life is full of agency and sneaky agents, many of them downright selfish and ugly.

A marriage partner should do no harm to the other. Any harm done indiscriminately should not be compounded by voicing all torts done in the past.

No AMEN is deserved.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> I will quote scripture Romans 3:23 “ For all have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory.”


That's why it's so important to have strong boundaries with the opposite sex.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

this just an excuse - a married woman should not be going drinking with strangers specially males. and also should have not accepted the shot. she was fully aware that she wanted to sleep with other guy then blame it on the drink. drink is a good cover story

it is like me saying to my wife I went to a strip club and mistakenly touched a striper body.

look at it from your prospective, typically accepting a shot from a stranger in the same situation as your wife an indication or a green light she want sex. 

So NO didnt just happen because she was drunk - if this is the case then this is considered a rape, would she be welling to go to the police?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

N


blackclover3 said:


> this just an excuse - a married woman should not be going drinking with strangers specially males. and also should have not accepted the shot. she was fully aware that she wanted to sleep with other guy then blame it on the drink. drink is a good cover story
> 
> it is like me saying to my wife I went to a strip club and mistakenly touched a striper body.
> 
> ...


Not sure she could claim that after just three drinks.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Nothing works better in this situation than making yourself disappear or making yourself scarce and saying only what needs to be said. No snide remarks. No digs. No off subject discussion. Just indifference. The clearest posture conveyed that it's over is when one is calm and normal. Calm and normal isn't passivity, it's just acknowledging that she's been reduced to atoms taking up airspace, not much different than the mailman, bus driver or the douchebags your wife are mistaking as men. 

I've been cheated on twice. Looking back, the number one most important thing is dictating your own mindset as opposed to your situation or WS influencing it. It's not easy, but if able to discipline and manage your own emotional state, your win will come much sooner than later. Focus 100% on you getting there. Once there, everything else will fall into place.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

Lost- To me it looks like your marriage bent but not broken. 
Your wife for whatever reason chose to go with the OM and have sex. Seems to me if what she says is true she has tried to bury it for 15 years but now cannot do that anymore. It took some courage for her to reveal it to you as I doubt anyone was about to spill the beans after 15 years. She didn't return to conventions and as far as we know has not had additional affairs or ONS.
For her this is something she has been trying to forget for 15 years and for you it is NOW. You are shocked and hurt and not sure what to do, and it's normal to go from wanting to forgive and wanting to "burn the witch". IMO you will try to R.
When you post on a infidelity site most of the people replying have been cheated on, so they may offer insight or suggestions about what they did. I suggest that you take advice with a grain of salt, some advice will work for you and some will not. 
Regarding the death of her dad. That is a huge thing that affects most of us when dad dies both for those who had good relationship and those who didn't. With CSA the death of the perpetrator may stir up a hornets nest, like it did with your wife. 

It will take time and patience but I think that you two can make it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Lost82 said:


> She said he left and she stayed in the room crying and couldn’t even go the rest of the shows and didn’t leave her room she hasn’t stopped crying since she has told me. Unfortunately I have treated disgustingly bad the last several days but things just burst out I know she’s remorseful.


and these are actions similar to being raped. Are you sure she wasn't roofied? Sometimes women blame themselves for drinking but they only have like 2 drinks and then don't know much about what happened other than they don't remember saying yes, fade in and out of consciousness and stuff like that. We had one a few years back like this.


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## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

Lost82 said:


> Me and my wife have been together for 19 years and she just confessed that in the years of our marriage 3rd or 5th she cheated on me with a guy she met at a hair show in Chicago she said she had a couple drinks and a shot of something and wound up in bed with another man she says she does not remember walking to the room but realized it was to late. She says she remembers bits and pieces. I know she’s in regret and sorrowful and says it was the worst mistake of her life. I have given her my all and have been faithful and the last 8-10 years have been the best years of our marriage I do still love her but I am not sure I can get over the fact that she put herself in that situation. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.


You can't assume she put herself in the situation. She may have just had one too many drinks..and as u said she isn't a drinker. She could have blacked out, she could have been drugged or she could just choose to not remember. It is good she confessed without motive..but it is also upsetting it took her so long to do so. I would weigh out pros and cons of your marriage..does this one nighter tip the scales so much that u want to end it? I know its painful, it hurts, its upsetting, it makes u sick to even think about it. But only u really know your wife..is this out of character for her? Is this something u would have to worry about happening again? Or do u think this was a one time unintentional mistake? It was not premeditated nor was she out looking. These are all things to consider and factor in. It is much different than an affair. Not saying its okay..because it is NOT. You need time to cool off and process this..a few counseling sessions may be helpful too.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

@Lost82

Do you know this guys name? Or is she hiding who he is?

I really want her to be telling the truth, but the fact it she hid it for so long, she's obviously not trustworthy.

I would think the most likely scenario here is that the dude was married, and the wife came across old emails / messages that exposed the affair, and the old AP recently reached out to your wife to warn her that his wife might contact you.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

OP,

Like some others have said, have her take the Poly.

Many have said they would because they know that's what their partner wants to hear and they think that will be the end of it, that it won't happen.

Now, I'm not saying she isn't being honest about this, but it's best, for BOTH of you to be able to put this behind you.

You don't want any of this to come back out next year, 3 years from now and it will it you don't completely run this into the ground.

And do NOT tell her about possible questions that will be on the poly.

One question should be about any other person she's had sex with in your marriage besides this one man. See, she might be telling you the complete truth about this instance but she may be omitting info about and entirely different scenario, man etc.

Have her take the poly, for both of your sakes. It will help both of you to put this to rest.

Last comment OP. Trust takes a long time to be rebuilt and this is new to you, it doesn't matter how long ago the act happened, the info and knowledge is new to you.

Of course you can't trust her right now, look at what you just found out she did. She broke the trust between the two of you so let the poly go forward as one step to help begin restoring the trust in your relationship together.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your wife has acted like a woman who is remorseful. But she didn’t tell you for 15 years. Robbed you further of making a decision to stay with her or not.
Here are my thoughts:

the absolute worst thing a man can do when a woman is found cheating is to “forgive her” right away. They lose respect. They lose attraction. What kind of man would just tip over and allow me to screw another man? I must be far too whatever for me to be with him.
Also, your wife needs to feel some wrath from you. She needs some consequences. She needs to feel some security in that her man values himself enough to not tolerate infidelity.

You are acting totally weak. You said you thought it was an “accident”…. Really? Cmon now. Accident???????

Your wife messed up. But for at least 10 years she’s led a life that shows she doesn’t want to ever do that again. That counts for a lot.

Don’t be such a wuss that you cancel the polygraph and be Mr Nice guy and utter foolish words of forgiveness, and rugswerp it all and think you’ll live happily ever after.

Give her the polygraph. You don’t have the full truth. Guaranteed.
Let’s say the truth isn’t too much worse and you can live with it.
Ask her to leave for a while. Let her earn her way back. See if she really shows the effort of a woman that “loves” you.

You need to show your wife some strength, some consequences, and then when you’re healed somewhat and not in a state of weakness and vulnerability, you can assess the situation and choose to show her some compassion that she does NOT deserve, or move on.

my thoughts are that you will jump too quickly to compassion. You’ll feel like a fool when you’re in a better state of mind and realized you just gave your wife a hug and a kiss and said no harm no foul when she screwed another man after only a couple of years of marriage. And more importantly, you will have lessened yourself in your wife’s eyes.

I personally think this relationship may be worth saving since you feel she’s been a good wife for ten years after the incident. But it will go down the tubes most likely if you don’t tackle this from a position of strength instead of fear of losing your wife. She should be frightened beyond belief that she may lose YOU.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Your wife has acted like a woman who is remorseful. But she didn’t tell you for 15 years. Robbed you further of making a decision to stay with her or not.
> Here are my thoughts:
> 
> the absolute worst thing a man can do when a woman is found cheating is to “forgive her” right away. They lose respect. They lose attraction. What kind of man would just tip over and allow me to screw another man? I must be far too whatever for me to be with him.
> ...


This seems right to me. The power differential,is forever shifted toward the cheater if the relationship continues. The cheater knows he or she got over on the BS, having more sexual
variety and gratification than the BS during the marriage. 
It seems highly unlikely to me that after 15 years, your wife, suddenly, confessed due to her conscience. I think it more likely that some type of disclosure from another source was imminent.


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## Nina Jo (9 mo ago)

Lost82 said:


> Me and my wife have been together for 19 years and she just confessed that in the years of our marriage 3rd or 5th she cheated on me with a guy she met at a hair show in Chicago she said she had a couple drinks and a shot of something and wound up in bed with another man she says she does not remember walking to the room but realized it was to late. She says she remembers bits and pieces. I know she’s in regret and sorrowful and says it was the worst mistake of her life. I have given her my all and have been faithful and the last 8-10 years have been the best years of our marriage I do still love her but I am not sure I can get over the fact that she put herself in that situation. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.





Lost82 said:


> Me and my wife have been together for 19 years and she just confessed that in the years of our marriage 3rd or 5th she cheated on me with a guy she met at a hair show in Chicago she said she had a couple drinks and a shot of something and wound up in bed with another man she says she does not remember walking to the room but realized it was to late. She says she remembers bits and pieces. I know she’s in regret and sorrowful and says it was the worst mistake of her life. I have given her my all and have been faithful and the last 8-10 years have been the best years of our marriage I do still love her but I am not sure I can get over the fact that she put herself in that situation. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.


First, I'm sorry. Second I know exactly how you feel. I just found yesterday that my husband have been cheating on me for the for over a year now.. I'm beyond devastating knowing that this relationship is done and beyond irreparable. She confess to something that she don't even remember well, that probably was insignificant for her, but for some reason she wanted out of her chest and confront the consequences. Sadly is something that is extremely difficult to let go. I hope that you find peace in time that's all I want for myself healing and peace.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

The last time a client dropped a bomb of that nature on her husband, it was the last time she heard from him for a month. When he returned, he stated that her confession proved that she had robbed him of his agency. He said that he may have stuck around, but, she took that option away. She asked what he was up to for the last month, and he said that he took himself an AirBnB in a warm climate and helped himself to a fair number of women. WW did not know how to react, so she brushed it off, saying that he was too old for that and beside, he has never given any indication that he would do something of that nature. He pulled out his phone and produced well over 100 images of women he met, and slept with. There were a few nudes in the bunch. WW just collapses. How could you hurt me like this. He says, in the coldest and most deliberate manner, "You betrayed me, and kept me in the dark for years. This is me saying that no crime goes unpunished, don't like how I reacted? There is the door." She complained bitterly, too bad that he had ratted her out to mutual friends. She was told to be thankful that he did not just leave her.


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

Taxman said:


> The last time a client dropped a bomb of that nature on her husband, it was the last time she heard from him for a month. When he returned, he stated that her confession proved that she had robbed him of his agency. He said that he may have stuck around, but, she took that option away. She asked what he was up to for the last month, and he said that he took himself an AirBnB in a warm climate and helped himself to a fair number of women. WW did not know how to react, so she brushed it off, saying that he was too old for that and beside, he has never given any indication that he would do something of that nature. He pulled out his phone and produced well over 100 images of women he met, and slept with. There were a few nudes in the bunch. WW just collapses. How could you hurt me like this. He says, in the coldest and most deliberate manner, "You betrayed me, and kept me in the dark for years. This is me saying that no crime goes unpunished, don't like how I reacted? There is the door." She complained bitterly, too bad that he had ratted her out to mutual friends. She was told to be thankful that he did not just leave her.


This story made my day! That dude is my idol.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SRCSRC said:


> This story made my day! That dude is my idol.


Didn't he just act as badly as her?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Didn't he just act as badly as her?


Maybe, some people really believe in an eye for an eye. The husband in the story didn’t give a crap if the wife stayed or left at that point. She cheated and robbed him of the choice to stay or not. He took away his loyalty to her.

I really can’t blame him. Every betrayed spouse reacts differently. Several have gone the way of sleeping with others. There was a husband that told his cheating wife that he was going to sleep with who ever he wanted when ever he wanted for how ever long he wanted to. That was the condition for him not to leave her. He did so for a while, with one of the women being a close friend of them both. She didn’t know who he was with. After about a year he stopped sleeping around. They are still married and working on it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ABHale said:


> Maybe, some people really believe in an eye for an eye. The husband in the story didn’t give a crap if the wife stayed or left at that point. She cheated and robbed him of the choice to stay or not. He took away his loyalty to her.
> 
> I really can’t blame him. Every betrayed spouse reacts differently. Several have gone the way of sleeping with others. There was a husband that told his cheating wife that he was going to sleep with who ever he wanted when ever he wanted for how ever long he wanted to. That was the condition for him not to leave her. He did so for a while, with one of the women being a close friend of them both. She didn’t know who he was with. After about a year he stopped sleeping around. They are still married and working on it.


To me it's better for everyone to act differently and choose the better way.


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Didn't he just act as badly as her?


I realize revenge affairs are frowned upon and maybe they're not a nice thing to do. But, no way, no how does it rise to the level of the initial affair and concealment. There is a direct correlation between what the WW did and why the BH acted out. What he did was not a criminal act. It was an act of revenge. It was an act of punishment. Maybe not a good thing to do, but it still does not rise to the level of what she did. In this instance, it looks like the BH did not give a squat if the marriage survived after her revelation. I didn't follow this example. It didn't even cross my mind. I was too busy trying to make sense of my ex-WWs cheating and my course of action. I found myself in a holding pattern for six long years after her initial affair. Today, I am a changed person. Any whiff of cheating and I am gone. No time to even consider a revenge affair. But if a BS goes that route, I have no sympathy for the WS.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> To me it's better for everyone to act differently and choose the better way.


I agree.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> To me it's better for everyone to act differently and choose the better way.


Yes, but what message does accepting the cheating send to the cheater?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Megaforce said:


> Yes, but what message does accepting the cheating send to the cheater?


I don't think that anyone should accept cheating from anyone. It's a horrible thing to do which is why revenge cheating is also a bad idea.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Lost82 said:


> I do but I have so much love for her that I don’t want her to be looked down on I honestly believe it was a accident I look back now and she has never wanted to drink again or go out to restaurant by herself like she was almost scared. But 15 or so years of deception is what I’m having a hard time with. I want to get through it but my mind is all over the place. Trying to analyze what happened or why and all I can say she was waisted or drugged.I messaged her and said people leave out details to lighten the blow and that I hope she’s telling me what she remembers


There are lots of different ways you can approach this. It sounds like you believe she feels it was a mistake not to be repeated. Not sure I would, but you get to make that choice. You also sound like your issue is her not telling you (all the details) for so long and the feeling that she deceived you. 

Option 1: Her father died, he did things to her, she has had a lot of stress in her life and she confessed this to you. That was either a really foolhardy move on her part (as another said she could have taken it to her grave) or an incredible act of bravery and faith in your love for her. You need to ask yourself why she confessed and why now. Is she concerned about the shame of her sin against you and looking for your forgiveness? If it was a foolhardy move to get her sin off her chest or if she trusted your love for her and your goodness as a forgiving loyal partner, what you do will have a huge impact on her life. My suggestion would be to treat this first as her problem and get some marriage counseling with the primary goal of helping her figure out how she can live with her feelings for the things her father did to her, his death without resolving those feelings, her confession to you and how the two of you can resolve those feelings in a way that strengthens your marriage.

Option 2: Treat this as your problem. She cheated on you. Do you feel you can trust her in the future or that you would be better off to divorce her and find someone who you can trust? If this is your problem by all means pressure her for all the details, talk to others who were there, conduct your own investigation. What happened way back when (beyond satisfying your desire for details) will not tell you if she is now repentant and trustworthy. If you treat this as your problem, then she will be afraid of divorce and likely to not respond honestly to your questions. Also, if anything happens in the future, she will be more reluctant to tell you about serious issues/problems. I want to emphasize I am not saying to rug sweep what happened, but ask yourself why you want all the details and what damage may it cause to her for you to extract those details/ If you want to treat this as your problem get some individual counseling and figure out if you want to divorce her, rug sweep what happened or establish boundaries for your marriage and go forward with your marriage. You can come up with boundaries that your marriage vows mean that neither of you will have sex with another person, you will not have an emotional affair, you will not have a romantic or physical affair, either of you will never have a one-night stand, and you will never put yourself in a position where your partner might wonder what you were doing with someone else. Maybe incorporate them into a new set or renewed vows you swear to each other. If you do that why would you need to know if she had two drinks or five; if she got up in the middle of the night and left for her own hotel room, if she had breakfast with the guy in the morning, etc. It happened, either let it go or don't let it go and divorce her.

Option 3: Go jointly to a marriage counselor to have them help the both of you figure out if you want to divorce or stay married and if you both decide on staying married, what each of you will need to do to prove to each other that you can be trusted. 

Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lost82 said:


> Me and my wife have been together for 19 years and she just confessed that in the years of our marriage 3rd or 5th she cheated on me with a guy she met at a hair show in Chicago she said she had a couple drinks and a shot of something and wound up in bed with another man she says she does not remember walking to the room but realized it was to late. She says she remembers bits and pieces. I know she’s in regret and sorrowful and says it was the worst mistake of her life. I have given her my all and have been faithful and the last 8-10 years have been the best years of our marriage I do still love her but I am not sure I can get over the fact that she put herself in that situation. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.


Sounds like she was given a shot of something else, too. A date rape drug.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Lost82 said:


> I’m guessing on the year it was when she went to the hair show in Chicago 12 hours away said she had a few drinks with her friends a few guys came over and he gave her a shot and deal was done.She has cried remorsefully everyday since she’s told me so. And yes I found out when her dad died that he messed with her.





MattMatt said:


> Sounds like she was given a shot of something else, too. A date rape drug.


From everything you described, your wife didn’t cheat. She was raped. She wasn’t able to consent, and it sounds very much like she was drugged. Should she have told you? Absolutely, but like many rape victims she blamed herself and felt incredible shame. And after being assaulted she protected herself from more trauma. And you have described a woman that went into full blown self-protection mode. 

I think she told you because her first abuser died, so the world became a little bit safer and she felt she could handle the consequences of being honest with you. 

And while I agree she should have told you, this whole thread makes me think she was right not to tell you. 

Your wife needs major trauma counseling. And honestly, I think you do too, if you want to be able to support her as she works on this.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BlueWoman said:


> From everything you described, your wife didn’t cheat. She was raped. She wasn’t able to consent, and it sounds very much like she was drugged. Should she have told you? Absolutely, but like many rape victims she blamed herself and felt incredible shame. And after being assaulted she protected herself from more trauma. And you have described a woman that went into full blown self-protection mode.
> 
> I think she told you because her first abuser died, so the world became a little bit safer and she felt she could handle the consequences of being honest with you.
> 
> ...


I don't think we can assume at all that she was raped. She had three alcoholic drinks and op says she never normally drinks so three alcoholic drinks can make you pretty tipsy if you are usually a non drinker. Plus she can remember things so its unlikely she was drugged in any other way. From what I have heard after a date rape drug you usually cant remember a thing. I also think that many in this position of having cheated will tell their spouse that they cant remember things to make it seem not as bad as it was and to not hurt the BS any more than they have been. We have heard that happen on TAM several times. 
So any major trauma counselling seems a massive over reaction. Its he who needs counselling if anyone does.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I don't think we can assume at all that she was raped. She had three alcoholic drinks and op says she never normally drinks so three alcoholic drinks can make you pretty tipsy if you are usually a non drinker. Plus she can remember things so its unlikely she was drugged in any other way. From what I have heard after a date rape drug you usually cant remember a thing. I also think that many in this position of having cheated will tell their spouse that they cant remember things to make it seem not as bad as it was and to not hurt the BS any more than they have been. We have heard that happen on TAM several times.
> So any major trauma counselling seems a massive over reaction. Its he who needs counselling if anyone does.


Actually her experience is very much like being drugged and raped. Hence she never went back changed all of her personal habits to self protective. It is the most common thing for rape victims to blame themselves and call it a one night stand. To continue to experience the trauma years later. While we can't know for certain HIS telling of it lines up with a drugged drink operation. Imagine if she were actually the one telling the story?

He himself wonders why she wouldn't go anymore... Unless he attended. That's the self protection aspect.

another quote "She said he left and she stayed in the room crying and couldn’t even go the rest of the shows and didn’t leave her room she hasn’t stopped crying since she has told me. "

yea sounds like a full blown affair right?

@Lost82 I hope you and your wife work through this either way. ONS or rape. please take a few moments to read about rape victims and their typical response....

Here's a quote from him "I look back now and she has never wanted to drink again or go out to restaurant by herself like she was almost scared. "

This is very much like a rape victim. What I find odd is there are many of the classic signs but people here instead of advising caution in approaching this it's burn her at the stake..... Yes that will help a rape victim who finally opened up to you......

Which BTW you have shown her exactly what she feared and why most rape victims would rather treat it like a one night stand than tell anyone. First they always have guilt... what if I hadn't went to the convention, what if I hadn't had drinks with co-workers, what if....

I think he even said she left early... Yeah sou


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> Actually her experience is very much like being drugged and raped. Hence she never went back changed all of her personal habits to self protective. It is the most common thing for rape victims to blame themselves and call it a one night stand. To continue to experience the trauma years later. While we can't know for certain HIS telling of it lines up with a drugged drink operation. Imagine if she were actually the one telling the story?
> 
> He himself wonders why she wouldn't go anymore... Unless he attended. That's the self protection aspect.
> 
> ...


OK well we will agree to disagree on this one.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I don't think we can assume at all that she was raped. She had three alcoholic drinks and op says she never normally drinks so three alcoholic drinks can make you pretty tipsy if you are usually a non drinker. Plus she can remember things so its unlikely she was drugged in any other way. From what I have heard after a date rape drug you usually cant remember a thing. I also think that many in this position of having cheated will tell their spouse that they cant remember things to make it seem not as bad as it was and to not hurt the BS any more than they have been. We have heard that happen on TAM several times.
> So any major trauma counselling seems a massive over reaction. Its he who needs counselling if anyone does.


@Diana7 What you said just isn't true. What you have heard is true for some cases of date rape drugging, but not all.








GHB Drugs: Common Drugs, GHB, and Rohypnol


When a date rape drug begins to cause symptoms and how long symptoms last depends on how much you are given and whether it's mixed with alcohol or other drugs.




www.healthline.com









Date rape drugs | Office on Women's Health







www.womenshealth.gov


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @Diana7 What you said just isn't true. What you have heard is true for some cases of date rape drugging, but not all.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Ok thanks Matt but having a few drinks can make us do things we wouldn't normally do, especially if we are usually non drinkers. We cant blame every time a person cheats on a date rape drug.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Ok thanks Matt but having a few drinks can make us do things we wouldn't normally do, especially if we are usually non drinkers. We cant blame every time a person cheats on a date rape drug.


And three drinks isn't enough to get me so drunk I don't know what I"m doing and I'm 5'2". 

But it isn't that she regrets it. You have to look at the other behaviors. they are classic of a rape victim.

We can't tell but we are saying these are classic symptoms and behaviors.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I don't think we can assume at all that she was raped. She had three alcoholic drinks and op says she never normally drinks so three alcoholic drinks can make you pretty tipsy if you are usually a non drinker.


Depends. 3 Amaretto Sours.....no.

3 Martinis straight up.....3 sheets to the wind.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> And three drinks isn't enough to get me so drunk I don't know what I"m doing and I'm 5'2".


I think 3 dirty martinis would do the trick, especially if they were 8 ounces each.

Appletinis? Meh, not so much.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Ok thanks Matt but having a few drinks can make us do things we wouldn't normally do, especially if we are usually non drinkers. We cant blame every time a person cheats on a date rape drug.


Nobody is blaming date rape drugs every time someone cheats. And we are not doing it in this case. She was raped. She didn’t cheat.

Even if drugs weren’t used, if she had partial memory loss then she was way too intoxicated to recognize warning signs or to deter someone with ill intensions. In other words, she wasn’t able to consent. As far as I can tell the only thing she could have possibly done wrong is drink too much. But that doesn’t put the rape on her.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

If she was raped, she should report the crime.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Let’s just put this all in one place. 



Lost82 said:


> Me and my wife have been together for 19 years and she just confessed that in the years of our marriage 3rd or 5th she cheated on me with a guy she met at a hair show in Chicago she said she had a couple drinks and a shot of something and wound up in bed with another man she says she does not remember walking to the room but realized it was to late. She says she remembers bits and pieces. I know she’s in regret and sorrowful and says it was the worst mistake of her life. I have given her my all and have been faithful and the last 8-10 years have been the best years of our marriage I do still love her but I am not sure I can get over the fact that she put herself in that situation. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.





Lost82 said:


> Our faith in God has grown a lot and she is not a drinker at all but I can answer how many she had but at that time I also wonder if something was slipped in her drink idk
> 
> 
> That’s the last time she’s been anywhere without me as well





Lost82 said:


> This was the only trip she has taken and it was a hair show so ya business I always wondered why she didn’t go on any more and she always said if I couldn’t go with her then she’s not going. I believe conviction got to her is why she finally told me





Lost82 said:


> She was having drinks with her co-workers they all do hair and said it was a group table of the people she knew and some she didn’t.





Lost82 said:


> I do but I have so much love for her that I don’t want her to be looked down on I honestly believe it was a accident I look back now and she has never wanted to drink again or go out to restaurant by herself like she was almost scared. But 15 or so years of deception is what I’m having a hard time with. I want to get through it but my mind is all over the place. Trying to analyze what happened or why and all I can say she was waisted or drugged.I messaged her and said people leave out details to lighten the blow and that I hope she’s telling me what she remembers





Lost82 said:


> I’m guessing on the year it was when she went to the hair show in Chicago 12 hours away said she had a few drinks with her friends a few guys came over and he gave her a shot and deal was done.She has cried remorsefully everyday since she’s told me so. And yes I found out when her dad died that he messed with her.





Lost82 said:


> She said he left and she stayed in the room crying and couldn’t even go the rest of the shows and didn’t leave her room she hasn’t stopped crying since she has told me. Unfortunately I have treated disgustingly bad the last several days but things just burst out I know she’s remorseful.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Problem re assuming rape or intoxication is that all the information he has comes from his wife alone. This includes her alleged crying and remaining in the room.
How one resolves this is beyond me. Perhaps a polygraph or talking to others who attended. Their observations may disclose something
Does she recall the guy's s name? Probably futile to inquire of him, but maybe worth a shot. Or, research him to see if he has a record of sexual assault or fits some type of rapist' s profile.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Megaforce said:


> Problem re assuming rape or intoxication is that all the information he has comes from his wife alone. This includes her alleged crying and remaining in the room.
> How one resolves this is beyond me. Perhaps a polygraph or talking to others who attended. Their observations may disclose something
> Does she recall the guy's s name? Probably futile to inquire of him, but maybe worth a shot. Or, research him to see if he has a record of sexual assault or fits some type of rapist' s profile.


As is the case for most rape victims. We only have their word that it happened. And people tend not to believe them. Combine that with their own guilt and shame, it’s pretty obvious why people wouldn’t report the crime or share it with their spouse. 

But in this case what we have is the OP reporting that her behavior noticably changed after the incident. Her new behavior lines up with the behavior of a sexual assault victim. That’s why I believed she was raped. 

Keep in mind that she is not presenting it as if she was raped. She is taking the blame. But as the OP disclosed more a out what he observed, alarms went off in my head. I just don’t believe this is a case of her cheating. I think this was forced on her, and she is traumatized by it. She may think she is to blame, but that’s common with rape victims. 

I stand by my belief that they both need counseling. She needs it to deal with the past trauma, and he needs it because he’s just been traumatized. Either he continues to believe she cheated and that’s a trauma, or he believes she was raped and that’s a trauma. Either way this is gonna be rough.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

To drunk, my ass. None of us know what happened. She could be lying her butt off saying she doesn’t remember anything. One thing is true, she felt guilty as hell afterwards. She changed everything and switched jobs.

I have seen enough to question “blacked out drunk”. I have also seen two people to drunk to care who was watching (so who raped who in that circumstance).


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

She straight up said she cheated. There is no doubt in her mind that she went for it. She is lying about not remembering details. It wouldn’t be the first time a cheater has claimed that.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

re16 said:


> If she was raped, she should report the crime.


The question is, did she bring up the possibility that she was drugged? Or just said she had 3 drinks and maybe overdid it?

I would think in confessing to her husband if she thinks she was raped she would have said that. I might have missed it, did she?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

drencrom said:


> The question is, did she bring up the possibility that she was drugged? Or just said she had 3 drinks and maybe overdid it?
> 
> I would think in confessing to her husband if she thinks she was raped she would have said that. I might have missed it, did she?


The problem with so-called date rape incidents is that many victims don't realise that they were raped, especially if drugs were used. One nasty trick I have heard of was someone who bought a woman a drink of wine and spiked it with vodka.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> The problem with so-called date rape incidents is that many victims don't realise that they were raped, especially if drugs were used. One nasty trick I have heard of was someone who bought a woman a drink of wine and spiked it with vodka.


That would have to be alot of vodka, and if it was, I would think she'd have taken a drink and want to spit it back out.

Unless it was several glasses and a little each time.

The problem I have is when there is no evidence of this, two people are drunk, they have sex, seems whenever this scenario comes up, then it had to be the man raped her. 

Now if this guy kept feeding her drinks and he had very little, I would agree. He knew what he was doing.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

drencrom said:


> That would have to be alot of vodka, and if it was, I would think she'd have taken a drink and want to spit it back out.
> 
> Unless it was several glasses and a little each time.
> 
> ...


Yes whenever a scenario comes up that a woman has only a few drinks, then has in and out memory then acts like something is horribly wrong like crying a lot, canceling outings with friends, refusing to go anyplace without her husband, quits drinking and such then yes it looks a lot like the standard drug/rape. I've only seen this twice on these forums in multiple years. The other instance the woman's husband bothered to track down people there who admitted she wasn't acting right for the amount of alcohol she consumed and they themselves felt guilty for letting the guy escort her to her room under the guise of helping her. They felt it wasn't something she was showing interest in the other guys. But the woman blamed herself and the few drinks she had even though she was blacking out coming to and never wanted sex and even said no. She blamed herself.

Typical of rape victims in this situation. So do you just not understand trauma?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

OP, have you asked your wife what she expects you to do with this information?


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> So do you just not understand trauma?


I understand it just fine. I'm referring to this situation, not the others you mentioned.

Also, I have told @Lost82 that this isn't your typical cheating scenario. Usually when I hear of someone going to a bar and winding up in bed with someone, I go straight to the "dump them" train of thought.

This isn't one of those situations and although it is not obvious whether she was raped or not, I do feel that it wasn't exactly cheating either. I believe this happened once and she never was about to let it happen again.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Just remembered the story of a colleague of mine who was drinking Bailey's Irish Cream at a Trade Show event. She became quite ill because some **** had spiked her drinks with Vodka. She became quite sick and the idiots who did it were thrown out by security.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

This is a situation where I think the poly will be very useful... I hope OP goes through with it.

Being taken advantage of without consent is totally different than hooking up with a dude at the bar and blaming it on a couple drinks... I think this case is the later personally.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> And three drinks isn't enough to get me so drunk I don't know what I"m doing and I'm 5'2".
> 
> But it isn't that she regrets it. You have to look up at the other behaviors. they are classic of a rape victim.
> 
> We can't tell but we are saying these are classic symptoms and behaviors.


I would be pretty tipsy after 3 drinks because like the ops wife I don't usually drink. Plus she had a shot after whatever else she was drinking so mixing drinks as well can make you feel worse. 
To me she is acting as if she did something that she deeply regrets. That she is very sorry about. She has made no mention of thinking she may have been drugged and she would know if she felt drugged at the time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Just remembered the story of a colleague of mine who was drinking Bailey's Irish Cream at a Trade Show event. She became quite ill because some **** had spiked her drinks with Vodka. She became quite sick and the idiots who did it were thrown out by security.


Mixing drinks is never a good idea.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

drencrom said:


> I understand it just fine. I'm referring to this situation, not the others you mentioned.
> 
> Also, I have told @Lost82 that this isn't your typical cheating scenario. Usually when I hear of someone going to a bar and winding up in bed with someone, I go straight to the "dump them" train of thought.
> 
> This isn't one of those situations and although it is not obvious whether she was raped or not, I do feel that it wasn't exactly cheating either. I believe this happened once and she never was about to let it happen again.


I agree with this . We need to tone it down because some are giving advice as though his wife was involved in affair. Was she drugged or did this non-drinker not handle her liquor well, allowing herself to not be her normal self. Combine being drunk with a guy chatting her up, who she may have found attractive, and it’s easy to end up waking up full of regret. 

Either way, if everyone takes the temperature down a bit, they’ll see that this is not a burn the witch situation. Let’s not run off another hurting husband with heavy handed, over the top advice.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I would be pretty tipsy after 3 drinks because like the ops wife I don't usually drink.
> To me she is acting as if she did something that she deeply regrets. That she is very sorry about. She has made no mention of thinking she may have been drugged and she would know if she felt drugged at the time.


And do you have ANY experience with rape or trauma victims? Part of why these bar drugs / tricks work is the women blame themselves for drinking. I am not saying it's rape I'm saying it has all the classic hallmarks of a bar room drug or drink swap. When they regret it they don't usually behave the way she has since.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

jsmart said:


> I agree with this . We need to tone it down because some are giving advice as though his wife was involved in affair. Was she drugged or did this non-drinker not handle her liquor well, allowing herself to not be her normal self. Combine being drunk with a guy chatting her up, who she may have found attractive, and it’s easy to end up waking up full of regret.
> 
> Either way, if everyone takes the temperature down a bit, they’ll see that this is not a burn the witch situation. Let’s not run off another hurting husband with heavy handed, over the top advice.


Correct, this does not seem like an overt long term affair.......Hiding it for 15 years is a significant factor though. If it was truly unintentional, you would think honesty would have been a better move. I still would like to know who else knew about it., what contact occured with this guy later (if any).

I fully could be wrong, but I think that the majority of the time when a spouse claims to not remember their cheating, it is not true, they do remember. I'm one to follow the statistics.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> OK well we will agree to disagree on this one.


Aren't you getting a little unforgiving in your old age?

Christians are noted for forgiving.

As was, Christ.

Her life after the incident was exceptional.
Leave it at that.


_Are Dee-_


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Her life after the incident was exceptional.


But was it? - one could look at that from the angle that she knew she had this potentially marriage ending lie she was keeping every single day. She obviously felt the weight of it since she confessed later. I'm not sure living with that lie daily is considered exceptional.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> Just remembered the story of a colleague of mine who was drinking Bailey's Irish Cream at a Trade Show event. She became quite ill because some **** had spiked her drinks with Vodka. She became quite sick and the idiots who did it were thrown out by security.


That had to have been alot of vodka, and if so, I would think the drink tasted like crap (to someone that might not like their drinks that strong that is)


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> Yes whenever a scenario comes up that a woman has only a few drinks, then has in and out memory then acts like something is horribly wrong like crying a lot, canceling outings with friends, refusing to go anyplace without her husband, quits drinking and such then yes it looks a lot like the standard drug/rape. I've only seen this twice on these forums in multiple years. The other instance the woman's husband bothered to track down people there who admitted she wasn't acting right for the amount of alcohol she consumed and they themselves felt guilty for letting the guy escort her to her room under the guise of helping her. They felt it wasn't something she was showing interest in the other guys. But the woman blamed herself and the few drinks she had even though she was blacking out coming to and never wanted sex and even said no. She blamed herself.
> 
> Typical of rape victims in this situation. So do you just not understand trauma?


You said everything in this. The woman remembers bits and pieces. She remembers telling the guy no. If I remember correctly she was in another couple’s room passing out. That is when the other guy escorted her to her room. He asked to use the restroom, because he was in a different hotel, and she blacked out in the bed. She came around to him trying to get her shirt up and pants down. Told him no and to leave. Then he acted like he lift and she passed out again. The next time she came to, he had her pants down shirt up She said no and to get out. I believe she made sure he left that time. Yes she was blacking out but still remembers bits and pieces. She knew she was raped but blamed herself for putting herself in that position, trusting the couple to look after her instead of her husband. She told her husband she wasn’t faithful during the trip. He couldn’t handle it and left her and his two daughters for a year. He still paid the bills like he always did. She quit her job because the guy was a co-worker.

If it’s the same story, last I heard she was getting counseling and the were back together.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Just remembered the story of a colleague of mine who was drinking Bailey's Irish Cream at a Trade Show event. She became quite ill because some **** had spiked her drinks with Vodka. She became quite sick and the idiots who did it were thrown out by security.


I hope she pressed charges against them.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

re16 said:


> But was it? - one could look at that from the angle that she knew she had this potentially marriage ending lie she was keeping every single day. She obviously felt the weight of it since she confessed later. I'm not sure living with that lie daily is considered exceptional.


I would say she did live a exceptional life afterwards.

Unlike most cheaters that had a one night stand, she changed everything to keep it from happening again. She actually felt guilty for what she did. She isn’t telling her husband to get over it! It was so long ago! It meant nothing!


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

BlueWoman said:


> As is the case for most rape victims. We only have their word that it happened. And people tend not to believe them. Combine that with their own guilt and shame, it’s pretty obvious why people wouldn’t report the crime or share it with their spouse.
> 
> But in this case what we have is the OP reporting that her behavior noticably changed after the incident. Her new behavior lines up with the behavior of a sexual assault victim. That’s why I believed she was raped.
> 
> ...


Yes, but in this case she has reported it, albeit quite late, to her spouse. And, it is every bit as plausible that her behavioral changes stem from guilt for cheating vs having been raped.
I think it is possible she was drugged etc. But, this is pretty speculative. She has, however, admitted to consensual sex, and perhaps he should take her word for it. 
A polygraph might clear this up.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> And do you have ANY experience with rape or trauma victims? Part of why these bar drugs / tricks work is the women blame themselves for drinking. I am not saying it's rape I'm saying it has all the classic hallmarks of a bar room drug or drink swap. When they regret it they don't usually behave the way she has since.


Yes lots. There is sexual abuse in my family and I have supported and helped two lots of teens get away from parents who abused and raped them.

There are countless cases of people away from home getting a bit tipsy and ending up in bed with someone and deeply regretting it. We have had it happen to many people who have come to TAM. I see no difference this time.
She cheated, she really regretted it and was careful not to let herself get in a position of it happening again. She set herself sensible boundaries. 
She was probably shocked at how easily it happened and didn't want it to happen again.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

re16 said:


> But was it? - one could look at that from the angle that she knew she had this potentially marriage ending lie she was keeping every single day. She obviously felt the weight of it since she confessed later. I'm not sure living with that lie daily is considered exceptional.


Yeah but fear is often more powerful than conscience. It's not good, but it's often true.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Yes lots. There is sexual abuse in my family and I have supported and helped two lots of teens get away from parents who abused and raped them.
> 
> There are countless cases of people away from home getting a bit tipsy and ending up in bed with someone and deeply regretting it. We have had it happen to many people who have come to TAM. I see no difference this time.
> She cheated, she really regretted it and was careful not to let herself get in a position of it happening again. She set herself sensible boundaries.
> She was probably shocked at how easily it happened and didn't want it to happen again.


Lust is a powerful motivator, and when you mix that with booze it is often too much to resist. I tend to believe her story. She f*#ked up and she knew she f#_ked up, and she knows that not telling her husband was another f_#k up, but sometimes it is really hard to stop the snowball from rolling down the hill and taking out a village.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ArthurGPym said:


> Lust is a powerful motivator, and when you mix that with booze it is often too much to resist. I tend to believe her story. She f*#ked up and she knew she f#_ked up, and she knows that not telling her husband was another f_#k up, but sometimes it is really hard to stop the snowball from rolling down the hill and taking out a village.


Yes agreed. Hence her making sure she isn't in that position again.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Woulda coulda shoulda.

Way too many hypotheticals swirling around.

So many say to find out, gather evidence, use a VAR etc.

Yeah cant use VAR now as it's too long ago.

If OP wants to find out he will have her take a poly.

All the rest is pissing in the wind.

One thing is certain, OP cant just take the word of his wife.

Could she have been drugged? Yes. Do we or more importantly, does OP know this? Of course not.

We may talk until we're blue in the face but we won't know whether she was drugged or not.

He can't trust his wife to be truthful regarding this.

I don't see where OP has posted that his wife has told him she thinks she was drugged. She hasn't gone that route and that would be better than her just having sex with another man.

OP, have her take a polygraph. Are they perfect? No, but this was so long ago and you can't take your wife's word so it could help you out. If she gives you a "parking lot" confession before the poly, still have her take it. Many confess to a bit more in order to get their spouse to call off the poly knowing there is more to it, more to it than what they just confessed to.

And, if she were to confess anything just before the poly, either at home or in the car before it, then you KNOW she's not been honest with you and you have all the more reason to continue with her taking the poly.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Mixing drinks is never a good idea.


She didn't mix her drinks. her drinks were spiked. As may have been the case in this thread.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> She didn't mix her drinks. her drinks were spiked. As may have been the case in this thread.


It's still a bad idea.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> Woulda coulda shoulda.
> 
> Way too many hypotheticals swirling around.
> 
> ...


You make a good point that she never mentioned thinking that she was drugged. 
She could have but didn't, therefore she clearly didn't think she had been.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

If you don't want to get bit by mosquitos, don't walk into a swamp wearing cutoffs. If you don't want men hitting on you, don't dress sexy and go to a nightclub with your wingwoman. Her greatest mistake was putting herself in that position in the first place. It was a stupid decision, but one she made willingly. She went that night looking for male attention and got more than she planned on. Happens all the time. I don't think she was drugged.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

ArthurGPym said:


> If you don't want to get bit by mosquitos, don't walk into a swamp wearing cutoffs. If you don't want men hitting on you, don't dress sexy and go to a nightclub with your wingwoman. Her greatest mistake was putting herself in that position in the first place. It was a stupid decision, but one she made willingly. She went that night looking for male attention and got more than she planned on. Happens all the time. I don't think she was drugged.


Seriously? She is in the beauty business, at a convention, with fellow beauty professionals. She is not allowed to go out for drinks while looking nice, and if she does, she's 'asking for it'? So, when are women allowed to go out and socialize and dance...only when they put a paper sack over their heads? You don't know if she went out with her friends 'looking for male attention'. She may have indeed, gone out for drinks and gained male attention, but that doesn't mean she went out with the intention of gaining it just because she deigned to look nice. And you don't know what she looked like when she went out. Maybe she went out that night looking like a fat sloppy mess. You just simply don't know.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> Seriously? She is in the beauty business, at a convention, with fellow beauty professionals. She is not allowed to go out for drinks while looking nice, and if she does, she's 'asking for it'? So, when are women allowed to go out and socialize and dance...only when they put a paper sack over their heads? You don't know if she went out with her friends 'looking for male attention'. She may have indeed, gone out for drinks and gained male attention, but that doesn't mean she went out with the intention of gaining it just because she deigned to look nice. And you don't know what she looked like when she went out. Maybe she went out that night looking like a fat sloppy mess. You just simply don't know.


Let's agree to disagree.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What’s the update OP?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Beach123 said:


> What’s the update OP?


@Lost82


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## alfonso_davids (5 mo ago)

I can't even think about treason. I have a beautiful wife and we always spend time together. There are some tracking programs out there, but I don't use them. Because if you do not trust your partner, then you are not happy. We've been together for 5 years now, and there are no thoughts about dating!


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