# Talk about passive aggressive



## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

My marriage of 20+ happy years and 3 lousy ones is now going through divorce, the stb ex w had checked out of physical and emotional intimacy. I moved out late last year and am very happy, have dated lots of women and found one who is my soulmate in every aspect.

Stbx filed for divorce in mid march. I had 30 days to respond with a financial affidavit and manage to do so. She was supposed to file at the same time.

She asked for two extensions which we (atty and self) granted and a third where we said "No".

I call her and very, very gently ask what do you want? (It has come down to money, we don't have kids, I have no interest in living in the house, once would have been happy giving her my interest in a house into which I sunk a great deal of money these last few years).

She says "have your atty talk to my atty and make an offer". This went on too many times and I said goodbye, never getting angry, never raising my voice. Immediately after wrote a memo to my atty who came back and said "If she wants an offer I'll make a motion to sell the house - they are not negotiating, they are playing games and being manipulative".

That day my atty filed a motion to list the house within 30 days, it is simple but direct. I just wish I could hear the call stbw's atty made when she saw the motion.

On wall street there is a saying - bulls get rich, bears get rich, but pigs get slaughtered. She's being a pig, where once I would have happily transferred a great deal of equity to her and even some cash, I've had it. AFAIC she can move into a shabby apartment and play what if games for the rest of her miserable, greedy, passive aggressive life.

I looked at her facebook page, she looks at least 10 years older than her real age, a lot fatter than she was a year ago, dressed poorly, and has gone from OK to less than attractive. One of her pictures is flat out weird.

For those who think I'm being arbitrary and unfair, please read my previous posts - or go away mad - I did my best to save the marriage, she stopped trying years ago.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Its not that you're being arbitrary or unfair, it's great that you are standing up for yourself and not playing her games, but enjoying that another is not doing well is always deleterious to you. I think its sad what your ex is going through and to list the hard times she is having without showing any compassion is simply putting yourself on her level. It makes you just like her and it will negatively effect your new relationship.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Seems like an odd position your ex wife's lawyer to take. There's not much upside for them to stall unless neither of you want the house and she's trying to maneuver you into selling it quickly at a depressed price she hopes you'll just give to her almost in its entirety. Who's actually living in the house now?


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Seems like an odd position your ex wife's lawyer to take. There's not much upside for them to stall unless neither of you want the house and she's trying to maneuver you into selling it quickly at a depressed price she hopes you'll just give to her almost in its entirety. Who's actually living in the house now?


stbxw wants the house - who could blame her since she wants to keep working locally - within the last three years I spent a small fortune renovating the kitchen and bathroom, making it accessible and attractive. Had walls knocked down enlarging the kitchen so it runs from the front wall to the back for 36', put on a new roof, new vinyl siding, new doors, new windows, added ramps. The place is beautiful and is very low maintenance. It has almost 3,000 square feet of interior space on the better part of an acre in a safe and quiet neighborhood. Were I still working 6 days a week it would be a great place to live. Now that I'm unable to work living there is boring - I would freeze from October to May and roast from late May through the end of August. The nearest real city is over two hours away.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I never thought it cool that you moved and started dating before your d. You seem rather cold. She is hurt and angry and you have been that way, too.

She has issues. You lack compassion. Your divorce is a result of that dynamic and I don't know why you are surprised at her rancor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Give her a lowball offer.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

ClipClop said:


> I never thought it cool that you moved and started dating before your d. You seem rather cold. She is hurt and angry and you have been that way, too.
> 
> She has issues. You lack compassion. Your divorce is a result of that dynamic and I don't know why you are surprised at her rancor.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You clearly missed some of my posts, the ones where I mentioned she had told me to start dating or visit prostitutes while we were living together because she did not want to make love or even cuddle. You seemed to have missed the ones where she would stay at work most nights till 10PM or later, and on the days she got home earlier would often stay awake until 2 AM, wouldn't go to movies, concerts, plays these past years, and spent her time at home at the opposite end of the house or watching TV shows hour after hour. Nor do you know on the rare days she would come to the dinner table at our agreed upon time (I shopped and cooked) and immediately turn the TV on and be annoyed if I made a comment. BTW, all the TVs in the house are DVRs, as you might not have one and I might need to explain everything, a DVR has the capability of replaying a show, though it does require several button pushes on a remote control.

You also have no idea of how much care I gave her during several extended periods when she was bed ridden, nor do you know that during a several year period where she believed she had gluten allergies I prepared her meals w/o gluten, this in the early days of gluten free foods. Talk about a PITA.

*I would appreciate your removing ad hominem attacks from your comment* - you have no real understanding of what went on during my marriage and no understanding of who I am.

Yes, I'm angry, angry she left the marriage bed, left the marriage while continuing to live in the house, failed to fulfill her 20+ year old agreement to move west when I retired even though I have emails from her saying she knows how much better a mild climate is for my health - did I mention I have a serious neurological condition that is aggravated by heat, high humidity and cold weather? do you know I gave up the job of my dreams because it would have meant moving her and I loved her too much?

She has also decided our pre-nup is invalid and is contesting it, despite her attorney having written the pre-nup at a time when my assets were under $10,000 in IRAs, her (inherited) engagement ring was worth twice that sum, and she expected a substantial inheritance and a defined benefit pension. Under the pre-nup I would have no share in her pension, inheritance or gifts from her parents. At the time I was a salaried employee of a small company with no retirement benefits. At that time I had two adolescents who spent about half their time when they weren't in school or at camp with me. Guess who shopped, cooked, and went into work very early in the day so I could pick the kids up from school or after school activities. Guess who went into work early on Sunday mornings so I could be home by 10 AM to make breakfast for my children.

And you probably don't know that I worked a second job for many years and never pressed stbxw to find a higher paying job because she felt the work she was doing was important.

You certainly don't know that my adult children have real issues with their birth mother and as best I can tell love me dearly. My younger child when telling about my reaction to THE crisis in his life recently said to my GF "Pop was awesome". Other than saying his BPD (borderline personality disorder) b.m. (not my stbxw) said extremely hateful words because of the event. 

Despite these issues the stbxw knows had we gone to mediation I would have quit claimed the house to her, and she could afford to live there for the rest of her life quite comfortably. In talking with her I learned she has completely rewritten much of our history and fired up her attorney.

You are right in saying she has issues, I'll add she has a lot of them. In fact I'll go further and say some of the posters on TAM have some serious issues and should look in their own hearts before throwing stones. There is a lot to be said for asking questions first and coming to conclusions afterwards.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Give her a lowball offer.


Doing that - I'm now offering to sell the house and split the equity because she can't afford to live there. See - I am being responsive and caring.


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