# Infidelity... bf/gf vs hubby/wifey



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This is actually a rather curious question that I am still rather surprised that I have yet to ask. Anyways, some know me as a disloyal bastard as yes, I did cheat on my wife... yet, that was years ago - before marriage, when we were still bf/gf...

It was a drunken one-night stand after a big fight we had over our disagreements with her changes in personality after getting deep into her religion. Pretty much we broke up on and off over the years we've been dating. She knows during the rather long breakups I've seen other women in between, she's not exactly so happy about that. 

But hell even before we got together we were even just friends for a year and I was with my ex so she shouldn't be annoyed with it. My wife and I's romantic relationship also started as an "emotional affair" as well, but that too was before marriage.

However, the one-night stand did shatter her for a long time (I can't even remember much!), sure, should have broke up and waited a month or so before I rammed that lady. It's a cheat, but is it really supposed to haunt us for so long? It's not marriage yes? Was it really a committed relationship? Passion was strong but commitments... not so much...

My question is: Should my cheating in the past before marriage be treated no differently as a cheat as if I was already married?

It's been many years since then, it was a long and difficult process to get her back and re-earn trust but now we are married, and not once have I ever cheated on her. Am I really a cheater? Am I really a bad person? I don't know. Does she still have the right to guilt-trip me due to her stubbornly flawless record, am I exactly forever tainted?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well sometimes it does seem she plays the "hey! you cheated!" card at times just to get her way during debates - she's like that. But other times it does seem she's still not truly over it, but do I really have the right to tell her to get over it? I don't know.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Aye, and I have not told her that she should be over it. 

But on the other hand, she seems to believe that she has the right to play that card to get her way. Sure she does have the moral high ground. But she can also be very manipulative and I do get sick of being pushed around with the guilt-trip from time to time.

I have nothing against apologising and making up, but she seems to want to bend me over at times.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I agree with michzz's post.

I have been posting on here for a while. My situation pre-marriage is different to yours but I will offer a perspective from the position of one who wasn't married when me and my OH had troubles but plan to soon.

Although not yet married, it is fair to say we are a committed couple. We have four children, two mine from a prwvious relationship and two of our own. We've been together four years. My OH back near the start of this year took a liking to a girl he met at work. The most they did physically was kiss, though there were other things that turned it into what I can only call a huge heartache: lies, more lies, the "I don't know how I feel anymore", him breaking NC and me throwing him out, him coming back and us doing counselling.

To me it broke my heart at the time. We were helped by a great counsellor which helped me to work through how I felt and helped him to work out how it happened to prevent it happening again.

We're, what, nine months-ish down the line now. Planning to get married next year. I forgave him and we've moved forward. But there is still an ache, a dullened one now, that gets me from time to time. I feel a passing sense of sadness that what we had was tainted. That I am marrying someone who chose to deal with his issues in a way that ate away at me for months. I know he has learned and is actually a better person. But I haven't forgotten it and it's something that happened in our time together, be it pre- or post-marriage. I don't look back and think, "well, it's not so bad because we weren't married." A very small part of me thinks occasionally if he can do that and we're not even married, why AM I getting married?" 

But I choose to focus on the good, what we have, and love him for who he is. 

I can't say if I'd feel worse if it happened after we got married though logic tells me I would. I do think tellingly that what you have said displays that you truly do not understand the emotional impact of betrayal by your loved one and how it can be forgiven but not forgotten. I don't think raking it up on her part is positive but I think there will be a lot here who can understand it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Well sometimes it does seem she plays the "hey! you cheated!" card at times just to get her way during debates - she's like that.* But other times it does seem she's still not truly over it*, but do I really have the right to tell her to get over it? I don't know.


RD, nobody ever gets over being cheated on. Fact of life. It's a scar one carries forever and ever.

In your case: you cheated on your ex with your wife, left said ex for your wife, then at a party where your mutual friends were, you cheated on your wife. (Granted, you were not married, but nonetheless, you cheated on her). 

That hurts. It would hurt you badly if she had sex with someone at a party with your mutual friends there.

With that said--she knew you cheated and married you anyway. So yeah, I can see both of your viewpoints. You have demonstrated to her through actions you're true to her (thought you guys have a myriad of othre insane issues going on) and you tired of her playing the "cheat" card, and she is prob and will always be hurt by what you did... but again she CHOSE to marry you after you cheated on her. That was her choice. 

So...................yes, the wound will always be deep for her. You should sit down and talk to her. And explain how you feel on this matter and how it was her choice to marry you after the fact. Nonetheless, you should show her through actions she's the only 1 for you. Unfortunately, the past can't be changed.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Well said, JB.

I didn't know for some time (after we were married) that I was an OM when my wife and I first got together. I'd known she'd had a long-term bf, but had been under the impression that they'd split up, and I'd known that they both had cheated during that relationship. After her EA's and PA, the most damaging thing sue ever said as we were starting to put the pieces back together was, "Well, you knew what you were getting into."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Yeowch. Yeah that comment would hurt. Especially when you had no idea you were, in fact, the OM.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah, she has forgiven, but not forgotten. I'm just so sick of being guilt-tripped that's all, to be point a part of me really wants her to cheat on me to even out the score.

And err, JB, wifey and I didn't exactly have a relationship while I was with my ex, we were just best friends, the feelings came ironically when everyone was trying to split us up. It made us explore the thoughts of the "what if", and guess we both liked it.

So far she has agreed on no-games-against-each-other for now, so no guilt-tripping (though she can get away with it and claim it's not a game which I'm still worried about)... hell >.<


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Yeah, she has forgiven, but not forgotten.


And she never will. That's what happensn when you cheat on someone. The betrayed can never forget it. They can't un-know it after they find out.



RandomDude said:


> And err, JB, wifey and I didn't exactly have a relationship while I was with my ex, we were just best friends, the feelings came ironically *when everyone was trying to split us up.* It made us explore the thoughts of the "what if", and guess we both liked it.


But if you weren't together, how could people try to "split you up?"

I was going off what you'd mentioned many times before on TAM that your wife was in fact, the OW in your previous relationship when you were dating your ex. You have written several times that you cheated on your ex and had an EA w/ your now-wife.

Hopefully you guys can come to a resolution. Talk to her.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

michzz said:


> No, you do not have a right to tell her to get over it.
> 
> Better would be to apologize again, even if you did that 1000 times already and ask her what would make her happy with you.
> 
> Then do that, whatever she answers.


Is this really true? I understand that she may never fully get over it, but if she has forgiven him, doesn't she need to put it in the past at some point? I cannot imagine it is healthy for one spouse to get to pull that out anytime they want and have the other then bend over to make them feel better. If forgiven, infidelity can't be pulled out as a trump card to an argument whenever convenient, can it?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ That's true. The problem they have to figure out is how to deal with what will always be painful to her and how to amicably solve disagreements.

Again, like I said, she married him full well knowing he cheated on her prior to the wedding. So yeah........they really need to figure something out. A way to work on things where they feel they are both being heard/understood. She won't ever forget it though, and any betrayed person can tell you: That is a FACT.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> But if you weren't together, how could people try to "split you up?"


They didn't even want us to be friends, not my mates, not her mates, not my ex, not her family, not her church. My friends believed she's a stuck-up churchie, her mates believed I'm a low-class street punk, my ex felt extremely threatened by her, her family and her church believed I was a bad influence on her and would lead her away from her god. 

We got really close and there was just too much we knew we could learn from each other to the point we didn't want to cut our friendship short based on other people's prejudice and misguidance. The feelings developed as we fought together. We both knew it was happening and tried to keep our relationship platonic but my ex really drove me away with her threats and emotional blackmail.

When I broke up with my ex, wifey and I kinda looked at each other and realised we were both single, in love, and nothing was left in our way. But it still took me AGES to even get together with her lol - she REALLY didn't want to be a rebound.



> The problem they have to figure out is how to deal with what will always be painful to her and how to amicably solve disagreements.


Well... how?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Grayson said:


> I didn't know for some time (after we were married) that I was an OM when my wife and I first got together. I'd known she'd had a long-term bf, but had been under the impression that they'd split up, and I'd known that they both had cheated during that relationship. After her EA's and PA, the most damaging thing sue ever said as we were starting to put the pieces back together was, "Well, you knew what you were getting into."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_











OMFG!
*oh... no she di-in't!!!!*


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Well... how?


Idk. that is something you and she have to decide. You could start by ::drumroll:: ............talking about it! 



Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> *oh... no she di-in't!!!!*


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> OMFG!
> *oh... no she di-in't!!!!*


Yuh-huh!

Pissed me off big time, but being right after D-Day, took a deep breath, chalked it up to fog-fueled snark, and let her know talk like that isn't very productive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Is this really true? I understand that she may never fully get over it, but if she has forgiven him, doesn't she need to put it in the past at some point? I cannot imagine it is healthy for one spouse to get to pull that out anytime they want and have the other then bend over to make them feel better. If forgiven, infidelity can't be pulled out as a trump card to an argument whenever convenient, can it?


I agree!!! You "cheated" on her when you were dating... its her issue now since you are married and she technically says I trust you with her "I do"... if she didnt and continues to carry that card... she is essentially saying "I dont." 

In other words... once she married you, that should have been worked through and forgiven etc... should not be brought up. Cheating during the marriage... is the same but more difficult. Once you forgive, you have to move on, you cant carry that card anylonger and expect a mutually trusting relationship... holding that card over your head is like saying over and over... "Im better than you." Its not right! AND, you didnt even cheat after you married her... you changed your ways for her... THAT should speack louder than anything else.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Still the betrayed and cheater must be cognizant of the fact that the recovery period for the betrayed can take years, and have to ask themselves if they have what it takes to weather the storm.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Sorry multiple post


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

The question is whether or not you have been a " Good" husband or a "Participant Trophy" husband? Have you provided her with the emotional and physical support that you promised to do. If you have been lacking in that area then the old wound gets reopened and she will use it against you.

A point I read on the page one time " No one ever gets over when their wife/husband or fiance is no longer exclusively intimate with them." It will always be there and if you are just along for the ride it will continue to come up.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

morituri said:


> Still the betrayed and cheater must be cognizant of the fact that the recovery period for the betrayed can take years, and have to ask themselves if they have what it takes to weather the storm.


I think this is a great point and one I did not articulate in my response. I think it is the WS duty to assist the BS in getting to a place to handle it in the marriage, regardless of when it comes up. If the BS is genuinely having a trigger, then the WS needs to be supportive and help in anyway they can. Having said that, I would think that it can't be used as a weapon. If a married couple are having a fight over whether to repair the car or get a new one, she can't bring up his infidelity seven years ago to trump his arguments.

I suppose where it gets tricky is how to deal with it in the context of relationship arguments. Infidelity alters a relationship. Yet bringing it up years later, while factual to one party, can seem like an attack to the other (I suspect this could be true for both sides). Balancing when is it fair to bring it up and when is it not, especially once a couple of years have passed, must be an extrement difficult task.


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## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Is this really true? I understand that she may never fully get over it, but if she has forgiven him, doesn't she need to put it in the past at some point? I cannot imagine it is healthy for one spouse to get to pull that out anytime they want and have the other then bend over to make them feel better. If forgiven, infidelity can't be pulled out as a trump card to an argument whenever convenient, can it?


I agree with you. :iagree:

Once you have forgiven your SO for cheating, you might even need lots of time to get over it and maybe you might want to talk about many times. 

But to talk about the cheating to help you get over it is NOT the same as using it (or/and rubbing in their face) when you find it convenient.


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