# How to support a friend with terminal cancer



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Got devastating news this weekend. A dear friend has stage 4 cancer. It's some rare type, 90% people are dead within 1 year; the rest by 5 years. She actually beat it once but it's back & has metastasized. All lymph nodes in her neck & under her arms have been removed. She had a hysterectomy years back for a different cancer. Now she has a spot on her lung. 

She's strong & otherwise super fit. She's an athlete who competes in marathons & iron-woman competitions. 

She has two daughters in their early 20s. Odds are she won't be around to see the youngest graduate from college this spring. 

With all she is experiencing, I don't want her to take on my grief too. 

Out friend group was together over the weekend & being as "normal" as possible. We went Christmas shopping, then went to Church together. I reached out to both of her daughters to offer support as they deal with this. 

I'm heartbroken. 

How you cope & is there anything that can be done? She's got the medical aspect covered. Ironically her beloved husband -- they have been sweethearts since 7th grade -- is a world class oncologist. All his friends & colleagues are treating her at a leading cancer center.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> Got devastating news this weekend. A dear friend has stage 4 cancer. It's some rare type, 90% people are dead within 1 year; the rest by 5 years. She actually beat it once but it's back & has metastasized. All lymph nodes in her neck & under her arms have been removed. She had a hysterectomy years back for a different cancer. Now she has a spot on her lung.
> 
> She's strong & otherwise super fit. She's an athlete who competes in marathons & iron-woman competitions.
> 
> ...


Sounds a lot like my (deceased) wife. 😢 

I’m sorry she (and you) are going through this.

My advice, the things that helped my wife....

Don't avoid the subject, but don't dwell on it. Let her talk when she wants. Listen listen listen.

Let her do what she wants, don't try to dissuade her. Let her skydive if she wants too. Let her live life to the fullest right now and help her do it.

Do little things for her without asking. As she gets worse especially. People always say “Let me know if you need something” but real friends say “While you were napping I took your car and had the oil changed” (or whatever fits for her)

Be with her. Just be there. Don't let her be lonely. Treat her like you would want to be treated. And don't ask, just do.

I hope that helps.

As for you...thats hard. Find joy in the time you have. And don't be afraid to cry with her. She needs to know how you feel, she needs to hear how much this hurts you. She needs to not be lone in her fear, or in her heartbreak.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@D0nnivain ,

Being with someone who is aware that they are dying soon is a sacred thing. Not everyone knows "it's coming." Not everyone has a chance to say their goodbyes, put their affairs in order, or make choices about what it may or may not "be like' to die. It's not easy to see them decline. It's not easy to let go of someone you love, as a friend or as family. But taking on the responsibility of being with someone as they die is really special. 

Medically, I'd say let her and her husband handle that. They've got it probably more than you ever could only because they know all of the facts. I always think of it like they know her and her body and are the ones to advocate for that part. You feel deep sorrow and like it's hard to cope, but for your friend, I'd say calmly meet her wherever she is at in her level of acceptance--give her permission to feel how she wants to feel and let her know you love and support her just as she is.

Speak openly about it--and cry, sometimes on your own and sometimes with her. Sometimes having a friend who's not afraid to talk about it is such a relief, and obviously people are uncomfortable but just call it what it is: "dying"

Go just spend time...you don't have to "do something". In fact, sometimes just sitting together is amazing! This past week, I went and spent the day with my mother-in-law, and we didn't "do" anything. We just sat and watched "The Five" (one of our favorite shows) and laughed about how it used to be and how much we liked Tyrus.  

Finally, I remember when my Dear Hubby died, and many, many people would say to me "If you need anything let me know" but what was funny was that I was kind of numb and didn't know what I needed. Some folks just made me some dinners in Tupperware. Some folks came over and cleaned the house before the service. My boss said I could have two weeks off. I had no idea I needed any of those things and I needed them all...and would have never asked. So you know your friend a little. Just do something practical: laundry, drive to appointments, run errands. As an example, right now, with the holidays, she may feel too sick to really decorate much and feel bad/sad that she can't do it ... like she's letting people down. Or she may need to run some quick last minute errands and also need to take a nap! So be her chauffeur...driving Miss Daisy. LOL


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm so sorry. Cancer sucks and has taken a number of people close to me and a dear friend is currently in remission from a rare deadly cancer. We are runners and triathletes too.

I was close to my cousin during his cancer battle which he ultimately lost. He told me he appreciated that I asked how he was doing but he also wanted to hear about me and talk about other things...he didn't want everything to be about his cancer. He enjoyed knowing that the world was continuing.

But that was him and your friend may feel differently, so wht not ask her what she needs? Before my friend went back into remission it wasn't clear that she'd make it and I let her bring up what she wanted to. I'd ask how she was and the rest was up to her.

She told me that i said something she found extremely heloful. I told her we're all terminal, it's just a question of how and when. And in the realm of cosmic tine the differences in the when for all of us are immaterial. She said she thinks of that often and has shared it with others.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> @D0nnivain ,
> 
> Being with someone who is aware that they are dying soon is a sacred thing. Not everyone knows "it's coming." Not everyone has a chance to say their goodbyes, put their affairs in order, or make choices about what it may or may not "be like' to die. It's not easy to see them decline. It's not easy to let go of someone you love, as a friend or as family. But taking on the responsibility of being with someone as they die is really special.
> 
> ...


My friend told me that so many people just ghosted her when her cancer returned that it felt like she didn't know who was actually a friend. I'm sure they didn't know what to say but it still hurt.

I called and texted regularly just to ask how she was and she said that meant a lot. We got a lot closer during this time and she was there for me during my own difficulties.

I did offer dinners but she has a big family so they handled that. She just appreciated her friends checking in on her.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I am in a different state so dropping by is not that easy. 

I arranged to have flowers sent when she gets out of the hospital this week. If she's not out yet, her husband can bring them to the hospital. 

Another friend is making her a blanket with a picture of our group from this amazing vacation we all took together in 2016. The friend called it a virtual hug. 

She's taking a 2 week trip with her daughters & another friend in January. I reached out to her husband & offered to go to Church with him while she's on the trip & have brunch with him to make sure that he has somebody to talk to. 

The woman who is going on the trip will bring casseroles etc. to store in the freezer. That friend also plans on putting all of the sick friend's Christmas decorations away before they leave. I figure I can run down with more food or send her a meal service that all she has to do is nuke stuff. 

I'm trying to put together another girl's weekend for everybody in February so we can all just chill out together. Another friend who recently opened a B&B several hours away offered us the run of the place, so we're trying to figure out when we can all do that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Tell them that you are honored to be their friend.

And, tell them that you will get together again in the next life.

Even, if they do not buy into that, it will comfort them.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

There's no simple answer, nor is there any real confidence in terms of how long she has. Cancer (breast) runs rampant through my wife's family; she's lost a sister to it already, another has been Stage 4 terminal and about a year ago told she had six months, likely, or as much as three years, and presently, you wouldn't know there's an issue at all. And my wife has been through it three times. Mother died from it too. So we have some experience with terminal cancer. How do you deal with unknown about the unknown? Mostly by being there for them, someone they can call when they need and know you'll take the call or get back to them soon. Things change when it goes to Hospice care; at that point everyone's on the same page. Before that, you have to take guidance from your friend for where she is and what she'd like to talk about.

If it really upsets you, tell her. Because you're not going to be very good at hiding it. 

As far as your own issues and not wanting to burden your friend... who can say that that might be what's most important to her, comforting someone else, something she might feel has been taken away from her, maybe not by choice.

Perhaps ask her about things on her list that she's wanted to deal with, things that still bother her. Now would be the time to deal with those things, or, be released from them. Maybe recognize they seem petty now. Either way is better than allowing them to remain something that bugs you in the background.

Being athletic and fit, she may have more time than others. It helps.

OK, this gets really personal. Those closest to her, those who will be most affected by her being gone. What will they wish to have asked her, and lost the chance? That weighed heavily on me when my father died (of cancer, of course, way too young, like your friend). Even something stupid. My Dad's been gone 34 years. I still miss him. So much. I pray that her husband can find a way to detach himself from the clinical and focus on their love and the spiritual, and have no regrets, no what-if's, regarding her treatment.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I recently lost a dear friend from college to cancer. We had done a lot together for over 40 years. I knew him longer than I knew my wife. We had climbed mountains together gone hiking and backpacking in wilderness areas, after we each got married he & his wife were the god parents to one of my children and my wife and I to one of there children. We had Christmas parties and mini-vacations together over the years.

A few of the things I did included:

I went through a bunch of old photo's and digitized them so that as he got weaker, he could remember better times. This included old photos of his kids and he and his wife. 

He had been active. One of the things we did was go on a "gentle" hike along a wheel chair path at a lake. One of the things, I wish I had done, was to take him to a ski resort to get on a chair lift or gondola up to the top of a mountain and have a picnic lunch while being in the great out of doors. 

While it will be touch since you live far away from your friend, some of what I did may not be possible. 

If you friend is a marathoner, is there any way you can either take her or arrange for her to go to the finish line of a race? Having done half marathons, I know that the finish lines can be a place of overflowing joy and pride. You might be able to arrange for a limo to pick her up, and the driver have a picnic basked, blanket and lawn chairs, to take her to the finish line. Conversely maybe you can suggest it to her husband or a friend near by who could do the driving.

What I found seemed to do the most was to provide his spouse with a caregiver break by taking responsibility for him so she could do other things and to be his old friend you reminded him of that wonderful things he had done in his life. Again, the digitized pictures were both for him, for his children and spouse and even were used in his celebration of life event after he passed.

In a certain sense there is little you can do except be a rock that they can emotionally lean upon. At least by now everyone can use Teams/Skype/Zoom to communicate with people remotely.

Hang in there.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

You've been offered some good advice. Be there, let her talk when she feels like dwelling on it, don't burden her.

I watched my Mother walk on with ovarian cancer. I don't know how much she was aware. We took a last vacation and visited with friends who had moved from the neighborhood. We were there, kept her days full.

It's rough for everyone.


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