# My Wife and My Mother



## sean22 (Jan 19, 2018)

So where do i start. My wife and i used to live in a different city and then we both lost our jobs and we decided to move back home to my parents house. Before we moved back my wife and my mother had a great relationship. But now its difficult. 
My mother has always been my favorite person and i love her to bits but i love my wife very much. 
So my mother went off to my sisters place for a month and once she returned my wife went to stay at her mothers house for 8 weeks. After a month had passed my mother called us and shouted at my wife for not coming to visit her and was very rude. Thereafter everytime someone asked where my wife is, my mother would give a very toxic negative response. So after this happened at my cousins house, my cousin told my wife and she and i had quite an argument and i supported her as my wife and she comes first in my life. I then spoke to my mother to clear things up and she shouted and got angry and i tried to explain things to her and all she was interested in was her opinions and that her opinions were the only way in life. 

My wife and i are good now, but my mother is still in a rage after 2 days of speaking to her. 

Guys what do i do how do i go about it. I have tried to explain what is and is not acceptable and i have tried to lay boundaries but nothing works. My mother justs fights back and blames everyone else for everything. In her opinion she is the only one who is right and only she knows everything.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Back your W. Cut the apron strings. Let momma rage on. She will get over it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NEVER EVER live with parents no matter how well you get on.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> NEVER EVER live with parents no matter how well you get on.


And that as well! LOL

But seriously. You are yoked to your W. Momma is just going to have to accept that along with everything else.


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## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

As someone who lived with her fiancé’s parents before we got married, always back your wife. She is the one you vowed to love and support for the rest of your life. Yes, your mother is special, always will be. But she has to realize that she no longer rules your life, even if you are down on your luck and living with her. 

My fiancé never said anything to his mother and still to this day won’t say anything. He says he doesn’t want to start anything up. His way of dealing with things is to ignore them. But you can’t always ignore them, they just get worse. I understand wanting to keep the peace, but that reaches a certain point. For example, we were talking about the wedding (which was happening in his parents backyard) and my fiancé’s brother, who was also living with all of us at the time, told him that unless his girlfriend could come he wouldn’t show up. We’d all met his girlfriend and she and I did not get along at all. So because of that, my fiancé’s mother started to scream and yell at me in front of everyone, telling me that it shouldn’t matter whether she’s there or not. It’s my wedding, why should I have to have people there that I don’t want? And my fiancé just let her do it. He kept quiet, didn’t even bother to try to stop her or say anything on my behalf. And it’s like that to this day. He doesn’t stand up for me to his children’s mother either and it drives me crazy. It’s caused more grief in our marriage than I’d like and we’ve barely been married two years. 

So, for your sanity and your wife’s, please stand up for your wife, even to your own mother. Think about what will happen if you don’t. Your wife could decide she doesn’t want to be with someone who isn’t going to stand up for her and she could leave. Also think about who you will be living with once you leave your parents house. 


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## PretzelLogic (Jan 16, 2018)

Thats a tough one, I know because I've been there.

I ultimately walked away form my mother due to conflicts between my wife and mother.
One of the hardest things I've done and ultimately I don't know that I handled it "correctly," but I DO know (now as much as then) that number 1 priority was to stick-by and defend my wife.

That was 4-years ago and it still weighs heavy and haunts, but I have to trust that I did what was best for my life commitment to my wife, whom I love and treasure.

Part of me ALWAYS knew that whomever I married, there would be conflicts between my mother and wife.
Between the "responsibility" I felt towards BOTH my wife and mother, I ultimately was trapped in a "try to make everyone happy situation," it was a NO WIN situation.

Perhaps today, I would approach it differently but the "core belief" that I am to "stand by and defend my wife" (where appropriate and reasonable) still remains.

Good Luck.. and I mean that.. good luck on the tight rope.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

PretzelLogic said:


> Thats a tough one, I know because I've been there.
> 
> I ultimately walked away form my mother due to conflicts between my wife and mother.
> One of the hardest things I've done and ultimately I don't know that I handled it "correctly," but I DO know (now as much as then) that number 1 priority was to stick-by and defend my wife.
> ...


You did the right thing.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Akfranklin2014 said:


> As someone who lived with her fiancé’s parents before we got married, always back your wife. She is the one you vowed to love and support for the rest of your life. Yes, your mother is special, always will be. But she has to realize that she no longer rules your life, even if you are down on your luck and living with her.
> 
> My fiancé never said anything to his mother and still to this day won’t say anything. He says he doesn’t want to start anything up. His way of dealing with things is to ignore them. But you can’t always ignore them, they just get worse. I understand wanting to keep the peace, but that reaches a certain point. For example, we were talking about the wedding (which was happening in his parents backyard) and my fiancé’s brother, who was also living with all of us at the time, told him that unless his girlfriend could come he wouldn’t show up. We’d all met his girlfriend and she and I did not get along at all. So because of that, my fiancé’s mother started to scream and yell at me in front of everyone, telling me that it shouldn’t matter whether she’s there or not. It’s my wedding, why should I have to have people there that I don’t want? And my fiancé just let her do it. He kept quiet, didn’t even bother to try to stop her or say anything on my behalf. And it’s like that to this day. He doesn’t stand up for me to his children’s mother either and it drives me crazy. It’s caused more grief in our marriage than I’d like and we’ve barely been married two years.
> 
> ...


And to add...resentment builds. That can become an issue down the road. Sometimes even long after mom or dad or both are gone.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

Why are you all living in your mother's houses with your spouses??? On one hand, you should always side with your spouse (in public). She/He is the one you have chosen to live your adult life with. You are not a child anymore. On the other hand.... you have chosen to move back in with your mother, and to live in HER house, under HER rules. It's her house. Did you forget what it was like living there with her? She always loved you, but you had to live by HER rules. Well that doesn't change easily.

Grow up, be a man (or woman) and MOVE OUT.


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## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> And to add...resentment builds. That can become an issue down the road. Sometimes even long after mom or dad or both are gone.




Absolutely. I’m doing my best to fight it right now. It’s a little better now that we’re not living with them, but he still feels the need to tell her everything that happens in our relationship and I don’t understand why. Just remember for every time you try to “keep the peace” with your mother, it will be that much less peaceful with your wife. 


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## Dorrie (Nov 18, 2017)

After being single long past most people's presumed expiration date on the marriage shelf, I found a wonderful man. I'm an only child who was never good enough for my parents (mother especially), but here was love and acceptance in a sexy package. Mother was an azz at our simple wedding and her hatred of my Beloved Husband never mellowed. In the end, she made me decide, them or him. 

I haven't spoken with either of my parents since '04, save for some poison pen letters that showed her rage and little else. Beloved never encouraged me to choose him, instead, he told me to do what my heart told me was right. Mother just spewed invective and threats. He's supported me through all of this, and on the rare occasion we have issues with his parents, he's stood by me. Is your mother pushing you to choose ? She might push you and your wife right out of her life. I hope she realizes what she's playing with here. 

Never make your kids decide between you and their beloved one. Even if you win, you lose.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You can't lay down rules or set boundaries in someone else's house. (my wife's mother lived in my house for 4 years, she was ill, I permitted it and things went reasonably well.). 

Your first step is to figure a way to get out, even if it means living in a smaller house or apartment. Once you leave, have the ability to determine if and when you go to your mom's house, then you can have it out, change the imbalance of power, and restore your relationship with both.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

sean22 said:


> So where do i start. My wife and i used to live in a different city and then we both lost our jobs and we decided to move back home to my parents house.


Well it's a good thing you can run to mommy and she'll take care of you when you lose your job. 

I'm assuming you're in your early 20's because real adult men don't drag their wives to their mother's house to live when they lose their job.

So, it's time to grow up.

And while your mother may be a pain in the ass, the chances she'll be your mother forever are 100%. The chances that you'll have the same wife forever are about 50% st best. Sorry, that's reality.


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## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

For everyone telling the OP to grow up and get a job and get out of mom's house, cut the guy some slack. You don't know what happened to make them both lose their jobs. Sometimes you have no choice but to go home again(if they let you) and regroup to figure things out. I was on my own for six years and had to go back home to figure it out when my first marriage crumbled. Not everyone jumps into life and has everything go right for them. You can't assume what did or didn't happen.

Yes, the best scenario is to get out of his mom's house. That can't always happen right away. It may be mom's house, but there's a line when it comes to the wife and mom. She can have all the rules she wants, but each of them can certainly set boundaries no matter where they're living. Just because you're living under someone's roof doesn't mean you should put up with certain things. Certain things are uncalled for even if it is their house. 

If you cannot choose to back your wife, the woman you chose to spend the rest of your life with, then you might as well divorce her and stay home with mom. Yes, your mom will always be your mom, but that 50% chance you have of keeping your wife forever can increase or decrease depending on how she's treated. If she's treated like a backseat to your mother (which she shouldn't be) then most likely she'll walk away, as she should. 


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Speaking to you man to man and going to the heart of the matter, your wife is the one you lay down with.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

PretzelLogic said:


> I ultimately walked away form my mother due to conflicts between my wife and mother. One of the hardest things I've done and ultimately I don't know that I handled it "correctly," but I DO know (now as much as then) that number 1 priority was to stick-by and defend my wife.


You did the right thing. Your mother should never have put you in that position, that's not what a loving parent does.



Akfranklin2014 said:


> As someone who lived with her fiancé’s parents before we got married, always back your wife. She is the one you vowed to love and support for the rest of your life. Yes, your mother is special, always will be. But she has to realize that she no longer rules your life, even if you are down on your luck and living with her.
> 
> My fiancé never said anything to his mother and still to this day won’t say anything. He says he doesn’t want to start anything up. His way of dealing with things is to ignore them. But you can’t always ignore them, they just get worse. I understand wanting to keep the peace, but that reaches a certain point. For example, we were talking about the wedding (which was happening in his parents backyard) and my fiancé’s brother, who was also living with all of us at the time, told him that unless his girlfriend could come he wouldn’t show up. We’d all met his girlfriend and she and I did not get along at all. So because of that, my fiancé’s mother started to scream and yell at me in front of everyone, telling me that it shouldn’t matter whether she’s there or not. It’s my wedding, why should I have to have people there that I don’t want? And my fiancé just let her do it. He kept quiet, didn’t even bother to try to stop her or say anything on my behalf. And it’s like that to this day. He doesn’t stand up for me to his children’s mother either and it drives me crazy. It’s caused more grief in our marriage than I’d like and we’ve barely been married two years.
> 
> ...


I would have got married in a registry office if I had to after that. No way would that wedding have gone ahead.



Akfranklin2014 said:


> *Just remember for every time you try to “keep the peace” with your mother, it will be that much less peaceful with your wife.*


^^SO MUCH THIS!!!!!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I feel sorry for any parent whose adult children feel going back home is always an option, more so when they are married or have kids. 

OP your job isn't to mediate between your wife and mother, your job is to get the hell out of your moms house and build and provide for your own life. When you decided to marry that means you accepted the responsibility of providing for your wife as well. It's not your moms job to provide food and shelter because your life hit a rough patch, and frankly I don't care what she says or does to piss you and your wife off, there is no reason she has to live with tension in her own house…..get out.


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## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

frusdil said:


> I would have got married in a registry office if I had to after that. No way would that wedding have gone ahead.



Well, karma is a b lol. She got a speeding ticket on the way to the wedding and lost her license because she didn't pay it. And completely unrelated, she got arrested and convicted for embezzling funds from her job twice. I'm not one to wish anything bad on anyone, but karma.




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## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

Cooper said:


> I feel sorry for any parent whose adult children feel going back home is always an option, more so when they are married or have kids.
> 
> OP your job isn't to mediate between your wife and mother, your job is to get the hell out of your moms house and build and provide for your own life. When you decided to marry that means you accepted the responsibility of providing for your wife as well. It's not your moms job to provide food and shelter because your life hit a rough patch, and frankly I don't care what she says or does to piss you and your wife off, there is no reason she has to live with tension in her own house…..get out.




While you're not completely wrong here, not everyone actually considers it an option to go back home. I didn't and I wasn't going to. My dad offered and I took it because I was at the end of my rope. It was actually a good thing I did or else I never would have gotten to spend time with my mom as she died 8 months later. 

There's a lot of different mechanics in how everyone's family dynamic is. You say she shouldn't have to live with tension in her own home. Well, maybe she offered or invited them to stay while they get back on their feet. And she could be causing the tension herself. Some mothers are overbearing and get involved where they shouldn't. Yes, they should find their own place, but at the same time if she offered or invited she shouldn't be making it a hostile living situation. She's an adult just as much as they are and is acting very childish. 


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Akfranklin2014 said:


> While you're not completely wrong here, not everyone actually considers it an option to go back home. I didn't and I wasn't going to. My dad offered and I took it because I was at the end of my rope. It was actually a good thing I did or else I never would have gotten to spend time with my mom as she died 8 months later.
> 
> There's a lot of different mechanics in how everyone's family dynamic is. You say she shouldn't have to live with tension in her own home. Well, maybe she offered or invited them to stay while they get back on their feet. And she could be causing the tension herself. Some mothers are overbearing and get involved where they shouldn't. Yes, they should find their own place, but at the same time if she offered or invited she shouldn't be making it a hostile living situation. She's an adult just as much as they are and is acting very childish.
> 
> ...


 Of coarse you're correct, there are many different dynamics regarding families, and it's very possible mom invited them to live there and now is acting childish. My thinking is we are only getting one side of the story, we have no idea what is truly pissing mom off, but I can almost guarantee you things are happening that is causing resentment and that resentment is boiling over. Once a child moves away from home they develop their own routines and lifestyle, and parents do the same after the children leave, it has to be very difficult to suddenly blend those lives back together under one roof and expect perfect harmony, especially when that child brings other people into the mix.

I'm not sure how long the OP and his wife have been living there, regardless if it's been a month or a year the tension is boiling over and they need to move out, living at moms isn't working out.


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## MrBreeze (Dec 16, 2014)

My wife and mother had a falling out, I stood by my wife (which I am still certain was the correct choice) but my mother tried the same tactics and I ended up cutting her out of our lives. I'm not suggesting it needs to be that drastic, but like you I stated what was acceptable behaviour, when that boundary was clearly not going to be respected that was it. Set clear limits, but don't let them be arbitrary.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

its pretty damned simple, actually...


tell your mother that you wont have any contact with her so long as she is toxic to your life and your marriage. and then refuse to engage her or speak to her until she stops being toxic.


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