# Needing insight



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

I've posted here a couple of times and gotten some good feedback from this forum. Real brief, SO had EA last fall which I've discussed before. From time to time, when I'm feeling down I start thinking about what was said and done during the EA. The morning she said she was going to "spend the night with friends" we had a huge fight that went something like "do you care if I go" to which I said, "yes" I do care. Anyway, she made a point to take a bag with clothes etc. to visit "friends". Long story short I freaked out and texted and called her like 15 times during the night and she wouldn't answer. I knew she wasn't with friends. Anyway, she finally called me back and ended up NOT spending the night anywhere. I found out later she was at her Male friends house. Anyway, what bothers me now is what if I had not gone ballistic and kept calling her- would she have spent the night with him? Also, even bigger thing I think about is the morning of our fight, which I think she provoked, I told her I was struggling because I was finishing school degree, and sibling had advanced stage cancer. The thing I think about now is how ROTTEN she was for going ANYWAY, after I had told her I was struggling. It just won't leave my mind. All she said was that "you are worried about her aren't you?" referring to sibling with cancer. And then proceeded that night to go anyway. I can't seem to get over this. HELP! We are trying to work things out, but this seems really awful to me. Any advice welcome from a woman's perspective.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think you need to bring up her potential selfishness in counseling - together. She needs to hear how it sounds from your side in an environment where she can't just fight back. And hopefully she needs to hear it from a person of authority as well.

The thing you have to understand about affairs is that it is a brain chemical that takes over the person and makes them do things they would be appalled at, if that 'drug' weren't flowing through their veins and driving their actions. 

Some will tell you that the PEA chemical thing is hogwash, people know what they're doing all the time. I disagree. I've seen WAY too many former cheaters express shame, disgust, regret, and bewilderment at what they did while in the throes of the affair.

It's the same chemical that YOU felt when you and your wife were dating. It's what keeps the species going, been around for millennia, it takes over and gives you a 'high' while dating. Unfortunately, cheaters get the same high - combined with the excitement of sneaking around - and they often mistake it for love.

That PEA chemical fades with time, usually within 3 years; and then you're left with a person you have no 'zing' for and you wonder what the hell you did all that for. But cheaters don't see that at the time.

I'm not excusing her for what she did; she obviously has selfish issues. I'm just trying to get you to understand what it was like from her side. She may have WANTED to care about you, but that drug was pulling at her.

What was her childhood like? Youngest child? Only child? Black sheep? There's usually something that created the selfishness in her. Knowing that can help you two learn and grow and create a better relationship.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You were betrayed in more ways than one. Betrayal causes pain, sometimes deep pain. Because of the pain you will be angry and the anger will keep your wife’s betrayal at the forefront of your mind.

So you need to work on your anger such that you can let it go and heal your wound. You do that with forgiveness, prayer, wisdom and the erection of new boundaries such that it doesn’t happen again. You can do all those things by yourself without your wife’s participation, in fact she doesn’t even need to know.

Of course if your wife is truly remorseful about causing you such very deep pain then she will have apologised to you in such a way that when she asked you to forgive her you did.


But that didn’t happen did it? And you need to find out why it didn’t happen, why she didn’t apologise and ask you to forgive her.



You are a very long way from reconciling until those sort of things start happening.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> I've posted here a couple of times and gotten some good feedback from this forum. Real brief, SO had EA last fall which I've discussed before. From time to time, when I'm feeling down I start thinking about what was said and done during the EA. The morning she said she was going to "spend the night with friends" we had a huge fight that went something like "do you care if I go" to which I said, "yes" I do care. Anyway, she made a point to take a bag with clothes etc. to visit "friends". Long story short I freaked out and texted and called her like 15 times during the night and she wouldn't answer. I knew she wasn't with friends. Anyway, she finally called me back and ended up NOT spending the night anywhere. I found out later she was at her Male friends house. Anyway, what bothers me now is what if I had not gone ballistic and kept calling her- would she have spent the night with him? Also, even bigger thing I think about is the morning of our fight, which I think she provoked, I told her I was struggling because I was finishing school degree, and sibling had advanced stage cancer. The thing I think about now is how ROTTEN she was for going ANYWAY, after I had told her I was struggling. It just won't leave my mind. All she said was that "you are worried about her aren't you?" referring to sibling with cancer. And then proceeded that night to go anyway. I can't seem to get over this. HELP! We are trying to work things out, but this seems really awful to me. Any advice welcome from a woman's perspective.


I don't know your history, but I can say this. If you decided to reconcile after the EA, you have to forgive it and let it go. Ask the questions you need to ask of your wife, you may not like the answers, or her reasoning... when someone "justifies" their behaviors, it usually involves the other spouse being distant, regardless of the reasons why. Once my husband justified something because I was stressed from a new move, a new job and grieving all at once, so I can relate, and it hurt me, however, regardless, it was his reasons, I had to accept it and forgive it and move on. You have to decide if you can really accept, forgive and move on from the EA.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

She seems to be hellbent on provoking you. Don't let her. You don't have to be a pushover either.

Let her know where you want the lines drawn. Let her know if she crosses them there will be consequences.

For example, if my wife spent a night over at a male "friend's" house, I wouldn't be there when she got home. I would go spend a few nights at a same-sex friend's house or family member's house (in my case taking the kids).

I'd let her know when I'd come back to see her, she had better explain to me what happened and be truthful or I won't be staying at home and there would be further consequences (like a separation or divorce).

Just don't up with her mind-games.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

livelaughlovenow said:


> I don't know your history, but I can say this. If you decided to reconcile after the EA, you have to forgive it and let it go. Ask the questions you need to ask of your wife, you may not like the answers, or her reasoning... when someone "justifies" their behaviors, it usually involves the other spouse being distant, regardless of the reasons why. Once my husband justified something because I was stressed from a new move, a new job and grieving all at once, so I can relate, and it hurt me, however, regardless, it was his reasons, I had to accept it and forgive it and move on. You have to decide if you can really accept, forgive and move on from the EA.


Thank you livelaughlove- this describes me to a T. I have never fully committed to her over 20 + years and I'm trying to sort out what are my issues with commitment and what are legitimate reasons for me not to want this. In counseling, the therapist says my finding fault with her acts as a protective measure so I can keep her at a distance and therefore don't have to commit. I've done this with her for 20+ years. I think in her mind, the EA would put us out of our misery by forcing a split, but it actually made me realize that I do love her. Now I'm starting to go back to my criticisms of her, i.e. finding issues from EA several months ago, among other things. This is so confusing- my "old" self wants to say she is playing games and trying to manipulate me. My "new" self says that she really loves me and is trying very hard to make things right. She wants the EA to be a thing of the past as I think she was literally "out of her mind" when it all happened. She says "I (she) was in a horrible place at that time and never wants to go back". She says she was working so many hours, was depressed and sleep deprived that her decision making abilities were gone. Anyway, thank you for your thoughts, any more are welcome. God Bless.


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