# Me



## rinnylong (Mar 10, 2020)

Just need a place to vent and get advice. Just in a new marriage, seems that every day there is a new issue to deal with. He is very controlling, everything must always be in its place. I feel like I’m trying in every aspect, but nothing works. He gets mad at almost everything I do. No sex, no affection. Sleeps on the sofa must nights. He changed significantly from when we were dating to married. I have tried going to therapy – he wont talk. Doesn’t think there is an issue. We spend most nights avoiding each other and not talking. This round of not talking is going on 3 days. I just don’t know what to do going forward, if there is a forward. I need some advice - how do I walk on eggshells all the time and live my life trapped in a room? What can I do to make this better?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

You can't make it better and this may be the married life from now on. Sorry but bail and get a man who loves you and understand this marriage is compromise but this sounds like abuse.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

rinnylong said:


> No sex, no affection. Sleeps on the sofa must nights.


If there's no sex, there's no marriage. No affection, no marriage. Married people sleep together, have sex, and affection. You are, in my book, already divorced. There's just no legal paper that says it.

@Tilted 1 said it correctly. You can't "make it better". Better requires both people to invest in, and work towards, better. There's no way someone can make a marriage better, alone.

Your husband "doesn't think there's a problem". Therefore, he is not going to make any changes in himself. He has things, for whatever reasons, just the way he wants them.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

TJW said:


> If there's no sex, there's no marriage. No affection, no marriage. Married people sleep together, have sex, and affection. You are, in my book, already divorced. There's just no legal paper that says it.
> 
> @Tilted 1 said it correctly. You can't "make it better". Better requires both people to invest in, and work towards, better. There's no way someone can make a marriage better, alone.
> 
> Your husband "doesn't think there's a problem". Therefore, he is not going to make any changes in himself. He has things, for whatever reasons, just the way he wants them.


All of this. ^^^^^^
@rinnylong You have been doing everything you can to save this marriage. I get the sense that you are the type of person who makes a commitment and sticks to it. You made a vow, and you are going to do everything I'm you can to save this marriage.

There's just one problem with that. You husband has already left the marriage, but you don't see that.

Doing everything to save the marriage only works if BOTH people are doing everything they can TOGETHER to save the marriage, and he isn't doing anything. He's not willing to do what it takes to save the marriage, which means that you're doing this alone, and you can't save a marriage alone.

I know it hurts, but you need to recognize that he is done with the marriage and there is nothing more that you can do. Give yourself permission to give up the fight and walk away. Because you deserve better than what you are getting from this man. Walk away from this marriage so you can find something better for yourself, because you deserve something better.

Honestly, I think he wants out, but he’s too much of a coward to do it. He doesn't want to be "the bad guy" who wrecks his marriage. What he doesn't understand is that he already is the bad guy for treating you the way he does, by leading you on by staying in a marriage he doesn't want. This is why 70% of divorces are filed by women, because the men are too chicken**** to do it themselves.

Prioritize yourself, and stop prioritizing a relationship that is bad for you and a man who doesn't love you, and leave this marriage so you can build a better life for yourself.

*hugs*

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm sorry. This sounds horrible. Your husband has deserted you and your marriage. You cannot fix something that someone else is doing. You have tried to get it resolved, but he won't do what is necessary to have a happy marriage. You can only control your behavior.

Can you tell us why you are still with him, so we can have some understanding of your reasoning for staying with someone who is abusive and neglectful?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

rinnylong said:


> Just need a place to vent and get advice. Just in a new marriage, seems that every day there is a new issue to deal with. He is very controlling, everything must always be in its place. I feel like I’m trying in every aspect, but nothing works. He gets mad at almost everything I do. No sex, no affection. Sleeps on the sofa must nights. He changed significantly from when we were dating to married. I have tried going to therapy – he wont talk. Doesn’t think there is an issue. We spend most nights avoiding each other and not talking. This round of not talking is going on 3 days. I just don’t know what to do going forward, if there is a forward. I need some advice - how do I walk on eggshells all the time and live my life trapped in a room? What can I do to make this better?


*You shouldn't be trapped like that! Marriage is not supposed to work that way!

If therapy is not working, then get yourself to a family lawyer's office immediately to inquire about seeking an annulment to this marriage!*


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

But an action is required no matter what.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

rinnylong said:


> Just need a place to vent and get advice. Just in a new marriage, seems that every day there is a new issue to deal with. He is very controlling, everything must always be in its place. I feel like I’m trying in every aspect, but nothing works. He gets mad at almost everything I do. No sex, no affection. Sleeps on the sofa must nights. He changed significantly from when we were dating to married. I have tried going to therapy – he wont talk. Doesn’t think there is an issue. We spend most nights avoiding each other and not talking. This round of not talking is going on 3 days. I just don’t know what to do going forward, if there is a forward. I need some advice - how do I walk on eggshells all the time and live my life trapped in a room? What can I do to make this better?


An annulment would make it better for you, I feel.

See a lawyer/solicitor ASAP.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> All of this. ^^^^^^
> @rinnylong You have been doing everything you can to save this marriage. I get the sense that you are the type of person who makes a commitment and sticks to it. You made a vow, and you are going to do everything I'm you can to save this marriage.
> 
> There's just one problem with that. You husband has already left the marriage, but you don't see that.
> ...


I was in much the same spot that you're in: couldn't do anything right, everything was always my fault, and we were constantly fighting. It got to the point where my marriage was affecting my health, so I walked away, and from that moment on, everything has been lighter and happier. I don't like suggesting to walk away, but there reaches a point where you just can't do anything more. Check out the book: "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" by Mira Kirschenbaum. It helped me a lot, and so did therapy.


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## rinnylong (Mar 10, 2020)

I tried today - again, to make things better. Even though I was not the one to get upset and start this round of fighting. I sent a message today asking to talk about everything, and be the bigger person - even though we had not talked for 3 days - he agreed. But came home instead sat in his car for about 30 minutes, came in the house, ate and watched TV ignoring me totally and putting me back alone in my room. I stay because when we are in a good place we are happy and laugh and can be friends. But 50% of the time or more he is on his phone all night or in a bad mood because i didn't clean up something properly. I basically have to beg for any sort of affection or intimacy which makes me feel like a fat ugly person and really makes me self conscience about myself. I agree with the comments that he is trying to get out the marriage and maybe doesn't have the balls to do it. But all throughout the engagement process I asked him - are you sure you want to do this? Its not too late. He was the one pushing for the marriage, i wasn't. I feel like i have been the one always unsure about the relationship and he has been the one pushing me back into it.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

rinnylong said:


> I tried today - again, to make things better. Even though I was not the one to get upset and start this round of fighting. I sent a message today asking to talk about everything, and be the bigger person - even though we had not talked for 3 days - he agreed. But came home instead sat in his car for about 30 minutes, came in the house, ate and watched TV ignoring me totally and putting me back alone in my room. I stay because when we are in a good place we are happy and laugh and can be friends. But 50% of the time or more he is on his phone all night or in a bad mood because i didn't clean up something properly. I basically have to beg for any sort of affection or intimacy which makes me feel like a fat ugly person and really makes me self conscience about myself. I agree with the comments that he is trying to get out the marriage and maybe doesn't have the balls to do it. But all throughout the engagement process I asked him - are you sure you want to do this? Its not too late. He was the one pushing for the marriage, i wasn't. I feel like i have been the one always unsure about the relationship and he has been the one pushing me back into it.


You deserve better than "It's good 50% of the time." The good 50% of the time isn't GOOD ENOUGH to stay in an abusive relationship. That's the cycle of abuse. If it was bad 100% of the time, no one would stay. The abuser gives you just enough "good" to keep you from leaving. 

His behavior--agreeing to talk but then isolating/ignoring you when he gets home--is not the behavior of someone who wants to resolve a problem. He is punishing you, trying to make you feel guilty for something you have no responsibility for. He is manipulating you. He is likely doing this specifically BECAUSE you extended an olive branch. He knows you don't like this and it's causing you emotional pain, because you extended that branch. He knows you're hurting right now, and he is taking advantage of that and he is using it to cause you even MORE pain.

And the fact that he said he DID want to get married has no bearing on this. In fact, you felt you had to ask him if he really wanted this... you were already insecure in the relationship, from the beginning. He was already manipulating and abusing you back then, he's simply escalated and become more cruel over time. You didn't do anything to cause this, this is ALL HIM. In a healthy relationship, with a healthy partner, you wouldn't feel insecure or need to ask if he really wanted to marry you.

Stop trying to fix this. Stop trying to fix HIM. Get out of this toxic marriage.

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

rinnylong said:


> I tried today - again, to make things better. Even though I was not the one to get upset and start this round of fighting. I sent a message today asking to talk about everything, and be the bigger person - even though we had not talked for 3 days - he agreed. But came home instead sat in his car for about 30 minutes, came in the house, ate and watched TV ignoring me totally and putting me back alone in my room. I stay because when we are in a good place we are happy and laugh and can be friends. But 50% of the time or more he is on his phone all night or in a bad mood because i didn't clean up something properly. I basically have to beg for any sort of affection or intimacy which makes me feel like a fat ugly person and really makes me self conscience about myself. I agree with the comments that he is trying to get out the marriage and maybe doesn't have the balls to do it. But all throughout the engagement process I asked him - are you sure you want to do this? Its not too late. He was the one pushing for the marriage, i wasn't. I feel like i have been the one always unsure about the relationship and he has been the one pushing me back into it.


There’s a lot of abusive behaviour going on here. 

For your own health and sanity - make an exit plan. There’s a good one around here somewhere, but make your own bank account, have a place to go, make copies of everything important, and one day just be gone before he gets home. 

Talk to a lawyer first though.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Please execute a plan to exit this most degrading situation. It's only going to get worse as time progresses!

If he truly loved you, he wouldn't be displaying such childish and immature behavior!*


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

rinnylong said:


> Just need a place to vent and get advice. Just in a new marriage, seems that every day there is a new issue to deal with. He is very controlling, everything must always be in its place. I feel like I’m trying in every aspect, but nothing works. He gets mad at almost everything I do. No sex, no affection. Sleeps on the sofa must nights. He changed significantly from when we were dating to married. I have tried going to therapy – he wont talk. Doesn’t think there is an issue. We spend most nights avoiding each other and not talking. This round of not talking is going on 3 days. I just don’t know what to do going forward, if there is a forward. I need some advice - how do I walk on eggshells all the time and live my life trapped in a room? What can I do to make this better?


First thing first. If you are not already pregnant, do not get pregnant at all till this is sorted. The controlling will significantly increase once you seem like you are tied down. 

Find a way to cope with the tantrums. You need to show that you are not emotionally affected by it as emotional distress is what controllers use. If he wants to get mad, do not interrupt him but do not listen to him either. Do your own thing. If you go somewhere, tell him where you are going. If you do not he will use that too to try to accuse you of something. 

Usually what he is doing is caused by lack of self confidence. There is something about you he is not confident about. 
Might be 
Social class
Income
Too much beauty
Not sure why you love him

Or it could be something at his work place


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

rinnylong said:


> How do I walk on eggshells all the time and live my life trapped in a room? What can I do to make this better?


Quit walking on the eggshells..!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Marduk said:


> There’s a lot of abusive behaviour going on here.
> 
> For your own health and sanity - make an exit plan. There’s a good one around here somewhere, but make your own bank account, have a place to go, make copies of everything important, and one day just be gone before he gets home.
> 
> Talk to a lawyer first though.


Just read the follow up post... absolutely agree with Wise Marduk.

This behavior just isn't on. And it's likely to get worse. Start making an exit plan now. What you have posted, indicates a very unhealthy dynamic. Please, please don't allow yourself to become a shell of a person as a result. If you were listening to a close friend describing your situation, what would you advise? Be your own best friend, here. And navigate yourself with actions. 

Also... welcome to TAM. Keep us updated. 
Collectively, we'll be wanting the best for you. 

And you need to want the best for you, too.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

MaiChi said:


> Usually what he is doing is caused by lack of self confidence. There is something about you he is not confident about.
> Might be
> Social class
> Income
> ...


Respectfully, I'm proposing a different perspective / perhaps just different wording.

There is something about HIMSELF that he is not confident about.

People who are secure within themselves, grounded, emotionally available and emotionally intelligent, who demonstrate congruence, do not act and react the way of this husband. Sure, we're all human and have off moments, that's understandable, but how this husband reportedly consistently behaves is about, and on, him. And it becomes an issue when insecurity manifests itself into abuse.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I lived this. It gets worse, not better. I was determined to find a way to 'fix' it---nope. Mine was a narcissist--you may want to read about that. Mine wanted me until he got me, then I could do nothing right. (Others considered me a great catch.)

Everyone else saw this but me. What misery. Set a bad example for children (planned sex for procreation purposes). Don't stay--please don't get pregnant.

Learn from me. Leave....


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

rinnylong said:


> I feel like i have been the one always unsure about the relationship


Sorry love, but this is telling.

Do you have any social support around you - friends, family, community?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

sunsetmist said:


> I lived this. It gets worse, not better. I was determined to find a way to 'fix' it---nope. Mine was a narcissist--you may want to read about that. Mine wanted me until he got me, then I could do nothing right. (Others considered me a great catch.)
> 
> Everyone else saw this but me. What misery. Set a bad example for children (planned sex for procreation purposes). Don't stay--please don't get pregnant.
> 
> Learn from me. Leave....


You are such a beautiful light on this forum. 
And I'm so glad that you got out of a bad situation.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Your husband is behaving irresponsibly. He stopped talking to you for a ridiculous reason and now he won't take responsibility for working through this. When you reach out to work through this, he treats you horribly. His ignoring you is purposeful to make you feel bad. That's abuse. 

An adult who behaves this way doesn't get better. He will likely get progressively worse over time. People who treat others this way think their target deserves it. Do you deserve to be treated this way? Of course you don't. This is immature and cruel behavior from the person you are supposed to be in unity with.

Marriage is supposed to be about having each other's backs and being there for each other through all life's joys and sorrows. It is not about causing sorrow to your spouse. His behavior is abhorrent and the antithesis of what marriage is supposed to be about.

You are being way too nice to him. At this point, I recommend you prepare to leave. Buy a book on divorce in your state so you know what your rights and responsibilities are. It should be an easy, straightforward process and you shouldn't need an attorney. I recommend you follow the book and prepare to file for divorce.

Trust me, this isn't going to get any better. You married a dud. You don't have to live like this.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

sunsetmist said:


> I lived this. It gets worse, not better. I was determined to find a way to 'fix' it---nope. Mine was a narcissist--you may want to read about that. Mine wanted me until he got me, then I could do nothing right. (Others considered me a great catch.)
> 
> Everyone else saw this but me. What misery. Set a bad example for children (planned sex for procreation purposes). Don't stay--please don't get pregnant.
> 
> Learn from me. Leave....


I'm so sorry that you found yourself in such a situation, but I'm glad that you got out of it.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@rinnylong, I agree with those who say that what your husband is doing is a cycle of abuse, and that it will get progressively worse over time. People who have narcissistic tendencies string their SOs along. They give snippets of good to offset the bad, and it’s enough good to make you second guess leaving (“are things really THAT bad?”), and they’ll make you feel a little crazy. No relationship is perfect, but the good should most definitely outweigh the bad, and you deserve more than 50% good. 

The fact that he blew you off the evening that you sent him the message asking for a conversation, speaks volumes. This guy is not invested in your relationship. What was he doing in his car for 30 minutes? Was he talking on the phone? My first thought was that he was talking to another woman and wanted to finish that conversation. Have you noticed him on his phone more or being more secretive?

Have you thought about doing a 180 on him? I know it’s hard because us as women tend to be more emotional than men. However, men like your man feed on that; he knows full well that his behaviour bothers and hurts you, and he’ll keep doing it because he gets something out of it. While you’re in this situation, try to not show that it bothers you so much. This isn’t an easy thing to do, I know. 

Since he’s so not into hanging out and interacting with you, have you thought about dolling yourself up a bit and heading out for an evening with a girlfriend? Or even just grab your purse and tell him you’re going out and will be back in a couple hours. Even if you just drive to a nice spot and go for a walk. You certainly don’t want him to blow up and think that you’re cheating or something, but it’s more just to give him the message that you have your own life and things that you enjoy and you’re not going to let him tie you down.

Also, don’t get pregnant, otherwise you’ll be tied to this dude forever.


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## EmeryB (Aug 15, 2019)

@rinnylong, you've gotten good advice here. I basically agree with all of it. When you mentioned how he comes home but doesn't come in for 30 minutes, the first thing that popped into my head was that he is probably cheating. The situation sounds a lot like my marriage was. Husband would come home but not come inside -- I discovered he was talking to his girlfriend one last time every night. We had never really fought before that but he started picking fights with me over ridiculous things and looking for ways to criticize me every day. It all made sense when I found out for sure that he was having an affair. 

As everyone else has said, you can't fix this marriage by yourself. If he refuses to even speak to you then I would let him know that from now on if he ever does want to speak, he will have to have his lawyer speak to your lawyer. Make a plan and show him you mean business. Life is too short to live this way. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## rinnylong (Mar 10, 2020)

Planning on doing that tomorrow. Have a dinner planned with friends, so will be looking good and going out. Issue is that every time i do that, he is asleep when i get home. I get back around 8pm and he is always in bed. However I did notice that he was VERY upset when i started going to a physiotherapist guy every week. So maybe I will start that up again. 

I finally couldnt take it anymore last night, locked in my bedroom. So i came out and asked him why he didn't come and talk to me about this issue when i asked him to resolve it. He said that he knew what my response would be and that i wouldnt be able to take the silence and that I would have to come and talk to him. Its just games. He told me he was upset because I always making messes that he has to clean up, which isnt true. I work hard to clean up the house and make sure things are organized. We have different ideas of clean I guess.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Listen. You do not have a different idea of clean. Game-playing, twisting, gas-lighting is abuse. See this--no more excuses. Refuse to play. You no longer need to talk, you need to keep quiet while you plan to leave.

Takes a lot of courage to leave.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

rinnylong said:


> Planning on doing that tomorrow. Have a dinner planned with friends, so will be looking good and going out. Issue is that every time i do that, he is asleep when i get home. I get back around 8pm and he is always in bed. However I did notice that he was VERY upset when i started going to a physiotherapist guy every week. So maybe I will start that up again.
> 
> I finally couldnt take it anymore last night, locked in my bedroom. So i came out and asked him why he didn't come and talk to me about this issue when i asked him to resolve it. He said that he knew what my response would be and that i wouldnt be able to take the silence and that I would have to come and talk to him. Its just games. He told me he was upset because I always making messes that he has to clean up, which isnt true. I work hard to clean up the house and make sure things are organized. We have different ideas of clean I guess.


Seek to limit your engagement/interactions with him as much as possible. Escalating the conflict will only put you at further risk.

Today I recommend:
1. Make an appointment with a lawyer to discuss your options.
2. Use your phone to scan in all important documents in case you need to leave abruptly - birth certificate, passport, wedding certificate, medical documents, etc. Also put these in an envelope perhaps in your car or at a friend's house, but it's best to have a digital copy backed up to the cloud somewhere "just in case."
3. Document (write down) a timeline of events that have led you up to this point. 
4. Go to a bank, open an account, and at least put some money in it. If you need to run, this is your funding for doing it.

Today. 

I'm serious. Be ready for a worst-case scenario.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

rinnylong said:


> Planning on doing that tomorrow. Have a dinner planned with friends, so will be looking good and going out. Issue is that every time i do that, he is asleep when i get home. I get back around 8pm and he is always in bed. However I did notice that *he was VERY upset when i started going to a physiotherapist guy every week. So maybe I will start that up again.*
> 
> I finally couldnt take it anymore last night, locked in my bedroom. So i came out and asked him why he didn't come and talk to me about this issue when i asked him to resolve it. He said that he knew what my response would be and that i wouldnt be able to take the silence and that I would have to come and talk to him. Its just games. He told me he was upset because I always making messes that he has to clean up, which isnt true. I work hard to clean up the house and make sure things are organized. *We have different ideas of clean I guess.*


First bold: be careful with this; you don’t want to give him any reason to think you’re cheating because if that happens, the problems you have now will probably pale in comparison to what that blowup will be.

Second bold: my XH and I were like this too. He knew my level of cleanliness before moving in with me, then shortly after that, he asked if I’d ever considered seeing a therapist because I liked a clean house. There are definitely different levels of cleanliness between people, but it’s certainly not something to have a multi-day silent treatment over. He sounds immature.

Good for you for planning dinner with your friends. Will he be home when you leave? When he said that he knew what your response would be in regards to your issue, was he right? He is playing games for sure, and he’ll keep doing this because he can get away with it and you let him get away with it.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

You cannot do what you have been doing. This is not salvageable if you do not know what you are up against. I recommend shock and awe. He seems to depend on you being non aggressive. What you probably need to do, is to get out of the marital home. Go back to your parents. Tell your father exactly what he is doing, and whether or not you feel safe in his presence. My recommendation is that you file for divorce; at best, it will force him into talking about the situation, at worst, he will not talk, in which case, you get yourself free and you get a better life. This cannot continue as it is. You cannot spend the rest of your life walking on the eggshells of his making, whatever the issue get it out front, or get out of there.


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## rinnylong (Mar 10, 2020)

Ursula said:


> Second bold: my XH and I were like this too. He knew my level of cleanliness before moving in with me, then shortly after that, he asked if I’d ever considered seeing a therapist because I liked a clean house. There are definitely different levels of cleanliness between people, but it’s certainly not something to have a multi-day silent treatment over. He sounds immature.
> 
> 
> 
> How do we come to an agreement of 'level of clean'?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

rinnylong said:


> How do we come to an agreement of 'level of clean'?


I’m not sure that you can; we didn’t. I like a clean house, so the cleaning fell on my shoulders for most of our marriage. H contributed for about a year until his mother found out; she put a stop to it. It ended up being one thing in the list of many that took a toll on my (lack of) respect for him. The only thing you can do is talk to him and ask him what he feels you need to contribute more on, and then work on it if you’re able/willing. You say that you work hard to clean and organize your home, so maybe his expectations are just really unrealistic. That’s something that only you can judge in this situation.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

rinnylong said:


> Just need a place to vent and get advice. Just in a new marriage, seems that every day there is a new issue to deal with. He is very controlling, everything must always be in its place. I feel like I’m trying in every aspect, but nothing works. He gets mad at almost everything I do. No sex, no affection. Sleeps on the sofa must nights. He changed significantly from when we were dating to married. I have tried going to therapy – he wont talk. Doesn’t think there is an issue. We spend most nights avoiding each other and not talking. This round of not talking is going on 3 days. I just don’t know what to do going forward, if there is a forward. I need some advice - how do I walk on eggshells all the time and live my life trapped in a room? What can I do to make this better?


Work on you....Give it 30 days...after all, it's the only thing you can do.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

rinnylong said:


> Ursula said:
> 
> 
> > Second bold: my XH and I were like this too. He knew my level of cleanliness before moving in with me, then shortly after that, he asked if I’d ever considered seeing a therapist because I liked a clean house. There are definitely different levels of cleanliness between people, but it’s certainly not something to have a multi-day silent treatment over. He sounds immature.
> ...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> rinnylong said:
> 
> 
> > Level of clean is not the problem.
> ...


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Ursula said:


> Girl_power said:
> 
> 
> > Totally agree; was just answering OP's question. Personally, I wouldn't put up with a H like that and would leave. But not before getting my affairs in order.
> ...


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

rinnylong said:


> Ursula said:
> 
> 
> > Second bold: my XH and I were like this too. He knew my level of cleanliness before moving in with me, then shortly after that, he asked if I’d ever considered seeing a therapist because I liked a clean house. There are definitely different levels of cleanliness between people, but it’s certainly not something to have a multi-day silent treatment over. He sounds immature.
> ...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

sunsetmist said:


> Listen. * You do not have a different idea of clean. Game-playing, twisting, gas-lighting is abuse.* See this--no more excuses. Refuse to play. You no longer need to talk, you need to keep quiet while you plan to leave.


This is exactly what I was going to post. He is lying to you. This isn't about you two having different ideas of normal things and even if it were, that is no excuse for his rotten, unloving treatment of you. He is playing with your emotions and manipulating you. What he said right here is plain and simple manipulation:



rinnylong said:


> He said that he knew what my response would be and that i wouldnt be able to take the silence and that I would have to come and talk to him.


Who cares if he's asleep when you get home. Trying to get a reaction out of him is manipulation. Don't play his games. Get out. This man is not loving you. He is playing with you to get some sort of satisfaction from your pain. That is dangerous to your wellbeing.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

rinnylong said:


> Planning on doing that tomorrow. Have a dinner planned with friends, so will be looking good and going out. Issue is that every time i do that, he is asleep when i get home. I get back around 8pm and he is always in bed. However I did notice that he was VERY upset when i started going to a physiotherapist guy every week. So maybe I will start that up again.


If you haven't already, confide in a friend, or as Taxman suggested, your father/trusted male relative who's gonna have your back. I'll take any flying tomatoes coming my way for making that gender specific. 

As for the physio, if intended as your own version of game play to upset him, c'mon lady... how is that helping anything, especially you? 



rinnylong said:


> I finally couldnt take it anymore last night, locked in my bedroom. So i came out and asked him why he didn't come and talk to me about this issue when i asked him to resolve it. He said that he knew what my response would be and that i wouldnt be able to take the silence and that I would have to come and talk to him. Its just games. He told me he was upset because I always making messes that he has to clean up, which isnt true. I work hard to clean up the house and make sure things are organized. We have different ideas of clean I guess.


Curious - when you write 'locked in my bedroom' - what does that mean? 
I know you're using a figure of speech, but what does that actually look like, where you have self-isolated?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Ursula said:


> Girl_power said:
> 
> 
> > Totally agree; was just answering OP's question. Personally, I wouldn't put up with a H like that and would leave. But not before getting my affairs in order.
> ...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@rinnylong I have moved your thread to General Relationship Discussions.


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## rinnylong (Mar 10, 2020)

I have told very little people. My friends abandoned me when I got married. So the ones I have are just acquaintances. I have told me parents a few things, they are very unhappy and have asked me to come back and stay for a while. But that would involve packing up and moving across the country and quitting my job, which im not ready to do. I feel like i am stuck.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

rinnylong said:


> I have told very little people. My friends abandoned me when I got married. So the ones I have are just acquaintances. I have told me parents a few things, they are very unhappy and have asked me to come back and stay for a while. But that would involve packing up and moving across the country and quitting my job, which im not ready to do. I feel like i am stuck.


In biology class, they teach you that in order to be classified as life, something requires movement, therefore, you will always be in some stage of moving as long as you are alive. You are a stuck as you want to be. You didn't initially choose to be in this situation with your husband, but now you are making a choice to stay in a situation where you are being abused. Think about that. You are choosing this situation. You don't have to.

Here's what you can do:
Buy a book on divorce in your state/region and follow it.
Start applying for jobs where your parents live.

You don't have to pack much. Take only what you can fit in your car. Things can be replaced.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> Oops I meant to quote her post not yours! Sorry!


All good, no worries!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

heartsbeating said:


> As in suitcase packed and I'm out the door?


Not necessarily. I was thinking more in terms of making sure I have copies of all important documents, finding and talking to a lawyer, making sure I have some finances set aside. But yes, making sure that I have a bag packed and hidden as well as anything important to me. When I asked my H for a separation, we met at a psychologist’s office; I had a bag packed in my trunk so I could spend a few nights with my folks. My dogs were also with my folks at that time. Prior to that, I had moved stuff over little by little (important docs, and anything that held a special meaning in my heart).


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

rinnylong said:


> I have told very little people. My friends abandoned me when I got married. So the ones I have are just acquaintances. I have told me parents a few things, they are very unhappy and have asked me to come back and stay for a while. But that would involve packing up and moving across the country and quitting my job, which im not ready to do. I feel like i am stuck.


I agree with @Cynthia, you’re only as stuck as you allow yourself to be. Are you able to reach out to any of your acquaintances at this time? It’s pretty amazing how much people will help when they know that one of their own is in need. And I also agree in starting to look for a job closer to your parents. The friends who abandoned you: are they in your current city or closer to your parents? Have you thought about maybe reaching out to one of them?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

rinnylong said:


> I have told very little people. My friends abandoned me when I got married. So the ones I have are just acquaintances. I have told me parents a few things, they are very unhappy and have asked me to come back and stay for a while. But that would involve packing up and moving across the country and quitting my job, which im not ready to do. I feel like i am stuck.


You will stay stuck, as long as you refuse to do what you know you need to do to get out of this marriage.

Stuff is just stuff and can be replaced. The time you are wasting with him cannot be replaced. All you really need to pack are the essentials and the irreplaceable things.

Quitting your job and moving to the other side of the country to move back in with your parents could be a great opportunity for you to start over.

Start making plans to do this. You don't have to do this today, but start putting your ducks in a row and choose your target date. Start applying for jobs near your parents. Find out if it's better for you to file here or there. Create your escape plan. Squirrel away money if you need to, and make copies of all your important documents.

Maybe you're not ready now. But if you set a target date and start making the plans, by the time that date arrives, you will be ready.

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

rinnylong said:


> Just need a place to vent and get advice. Just in a new marriage, seems that every day there is a new issue to deal with. He is very controlling, everything must always be in its place. I feel like I’m trying in every aspect, but nothing works. He gets mad at almost everything I do. No sex, no affection. Sleeps on the sofa must nights. He changed significantly from when we were dating to married. I have tried going to therapy – he wont talk. Doesn’t think there is an issue. We spend most nights avoiding each other and not talking. This round of not talking is going on 3 days. I just don’t know what to do going forward, if there is a forward. I need some advice - how do I walk on eggshells all the time and live my life trapped in a room? What can I do to make this better?


He's narcissistic and controlling. At best he has OCD and not respect for other people's feelings. But it sounds like he just trying to passive aggressive you into confused obedience.

If he was "just angry" he would have talked at "therapy" or talked at you about the matter.

Stopo while you're ahead, and learn to avoid such people in the future, you cannot "fix" other peoples' little issues (that's actually part of their personality, who they are, not a thing to fix)


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