# Question for women who have had sex before marriage



## creative20 (Oct 20, 2013)

Hi everyone,

I was raised in a pretty strict religious home and growing up I always thought my future wife would be a virgin. Now that I'm an adult and out on my own in the real world I realize that marrying a virgin is a very rare occurrence, at least in America, not sure about other countries. 

Anyway, I met this girl recently and we've been hanging out and getting to know each other. The topic of sex came up and I told her that I was raised to wait until marriage and that I'd done some less than holy touching with my ex but that I've never had sex before. She then told me that she has had sex before but only once with her ex and that it "wasn't good". She sounded kind of regretful about it and I told her not to stress about it.

At first I didn't think much of it since compared to a lot of other women that is not much of a past at all and it didn't seem to bother me. I'm not very religious these days but sometimes I think about getting more involved later in life. I don't believe that having sex outside of marriage makes you a bad person necessarily or will put you in hell, etc. But recently I started worrying that if I do pursue a relationship with this girl, will she always remember her first time? That's the only thing I worry about, I'm confident that we will have good sex, I'm not worried about how I'll compare to a person when she said it "wasn't good". I just don't know if it will be weird not being her first and that she'll always remember her first time being with someone else for the rest of her life. Any women on here who were in this scenario, were your husbands ever so good that it made you forget about your first?

Thanks!


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Dude, I don't know one woman, IRL, who doesn't remember her first time

I also don't know one woman IRL, who thought it was good.

It takes years of experience to be any good at sex. You can get that experience with your spouse and become a good lover sooner than you would with meaningless hook ups.

So in a few years, she will look back at her first time and think...Jesus what was I thinking!


----------



## creative20 (Oct 20, 2013)

Yeah, I was always told that the first time really bonds a woman to a man but I was hoping that maybe that would only be the case if the sex was good. That's why I'm concerned.


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Generally speaking I think women remember the emotional connection. I really don't think you have much to worry about. If her first were that great a guy she would still be with him.

Communication is key and it really does take both people communicating about sex for it to be good. If she said this other guy wasn't that great it makes.me think he didn't worry about her orgasm (just my own interpretation) so you will be well ahead of the game by reading up on the female orgasm and putting that knowledge into practice.


----------



## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

I remember my first time because it was an extremely traumatic experience, but if it weren't for that, I doubt I'd remember it at all.

I'm not yet married to my SO, but he's the person I want to spend my life with, and at this point, I don't really remember being intimate with anyone else(there were only 2 other guys, fwiw). I lost my virginity eight years ago, and it's just so far removed from my normal life with my SO that I don't ever have a reason to think about it.

For me, that 'emotional bond' thing only lasted for a few months, until I realized what an idiot I was dating.


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Because I have been drinking I am disclosing this - I was engaged for two years to my college love. We didn't have sex - we were waiting for marriage. He broke our engagement quite close to the wedding. I was devastated and really angry and asked a long time friend to have sex with me. So at 22 that was my first and, yeah, it was not that great.

Make sure she has orgasms and she will never think about that other guy.


----------



## creative20 (Oct 20, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Make sure she has orgasms and she will never think about that other guy.


:smthumbup:

Thanks, this is what I was hoping to hear. Although I'm inexperienced I've read enough about it that I'm confident that I can take her there. If not the very first time, then eventually once we learn our bodies more.


----------



## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

She'll never forget the first time.

However in my case there was no bond even though the sex was actually good. This was because I did not want there to be a bond for various reasons.

I went on holiday with some girlfriends, met a hot local guy several years older than me, engineered a holiday fling and had a wonderful time. We said we'd keep in touch but both of us knew that was a lie. He didn't even speak English.

In your case the fact that she has straight out said it was no good is certainly in your favour and I can't imagine she will think much, if at all, about the first guy if you make her happy both in and out of bed.


----------



## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

There are millions ..Hell.. probably billions of married woman and men who are happy and in loving relationships yet were not virgins on their wedding night.

I think the virgins upon marriage thing is far more likely in Islamic rather than Western societies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

Your girlfriend having had sex once is not anything to worry about. Sex is between her and you and that is all that matters. When I was young, the main thing I was concerned about was past emotional connections that my wife might have had. Now that I have been married 25 years, I realize that all that matters on the emotional level is this - is my wife in love with me now?

My wife actually cheated on me after 22 years of marriage - she was only physical once and did not go all the way (just kissing and heavy petting) the worst thing for me to accept was the emotional connection that she formed with someone else. The second thing that bothered me was actually the fact that she was very religious and when we dated (started when I was 20 years old and she was 18) she made me wait 6 months just to get to second base, two years to get to third base, and yes, she was a virgin when we married - had to wait 4.5 years. When I discovered this affair, I was like are you gotta freeking be kidding me? I did not believe this!

So dude, it's all about the emotional and not the physical. And by the way, I waited 4.5 years with my wife - on the wedding night after all the anticipation - it really was a big let down! It took much practice that first year to get it better - and I would say about 10-15 years to get it to be really great! 

From an emotional perspective, I am my wife’s first love. She is my second love. With regards to falling in love, here is my belief - when you fall in love, which by the way happens very few times in a person’s life - as it is not something that you can force - or say, I think I will fall in love with this person - and then it is so! - no, it is something very magical. I will put it this way - when I fell in love the first time it was like a candle was put in my heart for this girl and it was burning for her - this candle had a certain color when it burned and a certain sweet smell. When the relationship ended - the candle was still there in my heart - but the fire was gone - no more color and no more smell. That candle however, is still there to this day - 32 years later - it will never go away - I will remember this girl to the day I die! When I fell in love with my wife, another candle was placed in my heart - now this candle when it burned had a different color and a different smell and again it burned for my wife - I would like to say that it has never stopped burning for her - but, this is not the case - when she cheated on me, that candle was extinguished - while I still loved her deep down - the candle did not burn! I worked through the issue with my wife and did eventually after many months get the candle burning again - but because of what happened, it does not have exactly the same color or same smell - but, I do still love her. As a matter of fact, if had decided to separate, I would have always had a candle in my heart for her - it would not have been burning - but, it would always be there until the day I die - just as with my first love.

Make sure you have a candle in your heart for your girlfriend - because I tell you that is what matters when deciding to marry someone. Good luck!


----------



## limabeans (Sep 23, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Dude, I don't know one woman, IRL, who doesn't remember her first time
> 
> I also don't know one woman IRL, who thought it was good.
> 
> It takes years of experience to be any good at sex. You can get that experience with your spouse and become a good lover sooner than you would with meaningless hook ups.


Spot on.

Being good at sex is mostly about learning what does it for your partner and letting them know what does it for you (this will happen gradually), and both people giving and receiving. 

I remember my first time as pretty awful (I was really drunk, it happened unexpectedly on somebody's dorm room floor, hurt a lot), but it has zero impact on my experience of sex with men I actually loved.


----------



## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

My husband is the only one I've been with. We didn't make it til wedding night but a few months before (I know, I know). Anyways, he had previous partners and I will admit that occasionally I still wonder about the connection he has had with those women. Before we had started having sex, I used to worry about that. Yet, you cannot change the past, you can shape the future. But what ultimately matters to me is that he chose me. I'm his lover now. I just try to think about us creating new experiences together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

My hubby is fab in bed but not so great he has given me amnesia 
I still remember my first.
Not my best...but my first. 
It was awkward and very un-sexy.
Not really enjoyable at all.

But then HE was the one who went all daft about me losing my virginity to him. When we broke he parked his car up the road from my house and lived in it for weeks so he could stalk me. Thought we were meant to be together forever because he had 'deflowered' me or something..

The sexual chemistry between hubby and me when we met we so electric that no-one else could have compared. 

We still have great chemistry today so I certainly don't look back to any old lovers/boyfriends with longing.


----------



## Abra-Brie (Oct 20, 2013)

Hi Creative,

I'm wondering how old the two of you are and how long you've been on your own actually. If you haven't been on your own awhle, and she hasn't either, I think it would be nice for the two of you to allow yourselves time to learn more about yourselves and relationships in general. 

As for being told that "the first time really bonds a woman to a man" No, that isn't really true - it isn't like women are like lions or something and bond for life to the first person we mate with - (Thank God) 

Most people remember the first person they were with, for good or bad. I'd like to block mine out with a ice pick actually but no, there it sits in my mind. I digress... Why are men always worried about being compared to some other man or his parts or his abilities in bed? 

I'll give you a big hint. If you care for her, if you treat her with respect and as the most beautiful person you've ever seen and been with, she'll adore you. Put her needs and desires first and take time with her and do everything you can to make sure she enjoys being with you, then you have nothing to worry about. 

You may want to read some real books (as opposed to porn (which is mostly there for self enjoyment.) books on sex too so that you know more how to make sure she enjoys things to the fullest.

I doubt she'll think back to her first experience anytime except to regret she gave her first time to someone who didn't deserve it. 

Abra


----------



## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

i put this in the wrong thread. Sorry 
Ugh. Long day


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I agree with everything that has been written. Just to play Devil's advocate here....

You need to be sure she has told you absolutely everything. You are stressed that she had sex with another man. You are a virgin. OK, this happens. And your discomfort is normal and ok. (Don't ever apologize for your feelings and opinions!!).

You are early in the relationship, so it may not yet be time to get too deep into personal discussions. I would not postpone digging into this for very long, though.

What if what she has said is white-washed? What if they had sex 10 times? It really doesn't matter in the big picture, and it really does not in any way change your relationship. She is with you now, etc etc as others have said. But if you find out in a few years that it was 10 times not once, you will be traumatized by it.

And the biggest part of your trauma is going to be that she lied to you about it. Then you're going to start wondering what else she lied to you about. Did she have sex with more than that one ex before you? Did she do other things with him willingly and enthusiastically which she has not told you about?

So you have to have a good honest discussion with her about this. Pick a safe time and a safe place. Try to keep it calm, light, and positive. I would explain that open honesty is the very foundation of a relationship. Without it there cannot be trust, and without trust there cannot be a sense of safety or intimacy in a relationship.

The thing is that you do not want to make her defensive or feel that she has to lie in order to keep from scaring you off. What she said may be true, but it is also exactly what she would say if she thought you might leave her if you found out her history was more extensive.

Then I would ask her if she had perhaps minimized her history in order to spare your feelings (this is the excuse she would give you, that she was sparing your feelings). I would ask her if she had sex more than once with this guy, and if she had sex with anyone else. I would also offer her the open ended "is there anything else?".

My wife admitted to several boyfriends before me but severely minimized her history. Finding out about it, some bits and pieces along the way and some big revelations decades later, has put everything into question. What else don't I know about?

This is what you want to avoid. Secrets have no place in a marriage. If you get close to thinking about marriage with her, you need to know everything, and so does she need to know everything about you.


----------



## creative20 (Oct 20, 2013)

Abra-Brie said:


> Hi Creative,
> 
> I'm wondering how old the two of you are and how long you've been on your own actually.
> Abra


Hi Abra-Brie,

I'm 25 and she is 23, I've been living on my own for about 4 years, her I'm not sure, maybe 2 years. 



Thor said:


> You need to be sure she has told you absolutely everything. You are stressed that she had sex with another man. You are a virgin. OK, this happens. And your discomfort is normal and ok. (Don't ever apologize for your feelings and opinions!!).


Hi Thor,

I asked her if she had any other intimate moments with anyone, she told me that was it, she dated a few guys very briefly but she's only had the one boyfriend and they never did anything else except kiss. It is kind of weighing on me though the more I think about it. I've read a lot about this very subject on other forums, lots of guys chiming in that it didn't affect them at first but months or years later after the relationship started, they realized they would never be the person's first and that it bothered them a lot. So I'm trying to figure out if I should pursue this or not, she does seem like a nice girl and we have a decent amount in common but it's not like we're perfect for each other in all other aspects. I just don't want to jump into something and then hurt her down the road for something she can't change, just trying to be honest with myself and play it smart. It's just a shame virginity isn't more common these days, I feel like a lot of marriages would be easier if more people waited, but maybe that's just immature or naive for me to think that. :scratchhead:


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

creative20 said:


> It is kind of weighing on me though the more I think about it. I've read a *lot about this very subject on other forums, lots of guys chiming in that it didn't affect them at first but months or years later after the relationship started, they realized they would never be the person's first and that it bothered them a lot.* So I'm trying to figure out if I should pursue this or not, she does seem like a nice girl and we have a decent amount in common but it's not like we're perfect for each other in all other aspects. I just don't want to jump into something and then hurt her down the road for something she can't change, just trying to be honest with myself and play it smart. It's just a shame virginity isn't more common these days, I feel like a lot of marriages would be easier if more people waited, but maybe that's just immature or naive for me to think that. :scratchhead:



:scratchhead:

I simply don't get it. Why would not being her first bother you? How could the fact that she had a relationship before she ever met you have ANY bearing on your present relationship? I'm not trying to shame you, and if you feel that... I fully apologize. I just don't get it!:scratchhead:

I personally think marriage would be easier if people were required to understand human sexuality and their own bodies prior to marriage. I think going into it deaf dumb and blind is a HUGE mistake. However, just by virtue of having actually had sex doesn't make anyone prepared to have an intimate life long relationship.


Stepping away from soap box and slowly putting the mic on the ground...slowly backing away...


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

waiwera said:


> The sexual chemistry between hubby and me when we met we so electric that no-one else could have compared.


I get the impression that the op doesn't have that kind of chemistry, which is the source of his insecurities.


----------



## creative20 (Oct 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> I simply don't get it. Why would not being her first bother you?


As silly as it sounds, I think its just a weird feeling that this person reached that epic intimate moment that they'll never forget with someone else, when traditionally it's been between a husband and wife to share between each other. I feel like I'd always be 2nd place, no matter how much better that act is when we do it compared to that first time. It must have to do with my upbringing, it seems like people who were not raised to wait don't really care. It's just so ingrained in me I'm not sure if I can turn it off.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

creative20 said:


> As silly as it sounds, I think its just a weird feeling that this person reached that epic intimate moment that they'll never forget with someone else, when traditionally it's been between a husband and wife to share between each other. I feel like I'd always be 2nd place, no matter how much better that act is when we do it compared to that first time. It must have to do with my upbringing, it seems like people who were not raised to wait don't really care. It's just so ingrained in me I'm not sure if I can turn it off.


I'm sorry to say this but you sound like a 25 year old virgin.


----------

