# Contemplating Divorce



## meadenurse (Aug 9, 2011)

I am 37 years old with a 2 1/2 and 4 year old boys. I have been married for 6 years and through most of our marriage my husband has done a lot of things that I don't think most women would put up with, most occuring before kids and while I was pregnant with my 4 year old. He likes to drink with his friends and would constantly go to the bar after work, not telling me he was going and not answering his phone the whole time he was gone. He would get off work at 3 and not come home until sometimes 1, 2, 3 in the morning. Never answering his phone and coming home drunk. One time coming home at 6:30am while I would be at home scared, and worried about him, crying. I bailed him out of jail for a DUI while I was 8 months pregnant. He told me once that they had been at a certain bar and through our bank statements I found he was at a strip club and spent $500. He would always promise me he wouldn't go to the bar after work but would blow me off and go. After the DUI he got much better, more infrequent and not late coming home. Recently I was in the ER for a severe migraine, and the next day after my neurology visit, and still in pain and on prescribed valium and vicodin from the ER, he made me go pick the kids up from daycare and was gone for 8 hours to "pick up his brother" and I found out they had stopped and had a few drinks at the bar. Leaving me with a migraine and to take care of two toddlers. That was devastating to me that he couldn't be there for me when I physically needed him. I filed for divorce a month ago but put it on hold because he makes me feel bad. He is trying but he is always good after he does something like that. Everyone likes him, but say he is not a good husband which is what I feel. How can I get over feeling bad for leaving. I do love him but am not in love with him. I don't want him touching me sexually and when he kisses me I feel like I'm kissing a stranger. I am so confused about what to do. I am not happy but I feel bad.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

meadenurse said:


> I filed for divorce a month ago but put it on hold because he makes me feel bad. He is trying but he is always good after he does something like that.


Yes, A's (alcoholics) tend to be quite good at reeling back in their loved ones with a show of good behavior ... for awhile. You say he "makes" you feel bad. Actually, he does not possess the power to "make" you feel anything. He can guilt-trip you, but you have the power to make the choice to do what is best for YOU, regardless of what he's saying and/or doing. 



meadenurse said:


> How can I get over feeling bad for leaving.


You can't ... for awhile. It is natural to feel bad about ending a marriage. Get into IC, and give Al-Anon a try. 



meadenurse said:


> I am not happy but I feel bad.


Again, you have every right to feel bad about the demise of your marriage. On the other hand, did your husband feel bad that he was out for hours on end without letting you know where he was or what he was doing? He was out getting drunk, going to a strip club, and spending a lot of money on his fun times. 

The thing is, the drinking will often take priority, with you running a distant second. That's no way to live. Okay, so you feel bad. You have a conscience, and you are having normal feelings of sadness and regret. I am married to an A. I assure you, drinking became his priority as the alcoholism progressed. Our sex life became nonexistent. I didn't want to be in the same room with him, let alone the same bed. 

You don't have to get divorced immediately, but I think it would be wise for you to move out and start getting your life back. If you go that route, be prepared for him to bombard you with emails and text messages to come back, he's changed, he'll quit drinking, blah, blah, blah.

Tell him if he's serious about getting sober, he has to join A.A. and work a program. Then you'll find out how badly he wants you back. Most of the time, they're bluffing about getting sober.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Is he prepared to go to AA and sober up? Sounds like that is the crux of the issues.


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## meadenurse (Aug 9, 2011)

I have asked him to go to AA and he refuses. He thinks that because he does not drink everyday (he rarely drinks at home) that he does not have a drinking problem. He says "I just made some bad choices". He says "I don't do it as often or stay out as late"...it has gone from almost everyday, prior to his DUI, to every few months or so, but when it happens, he does not tell me he's going and does not answer his phone while he's there and when I ask him why he says "because I don't want to hear it when I'm at the bar, I'd just rather deal with it when I get home"...


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

meadenurse said:


> I have asked him to go to AA and he refuses. He thinks that because he does not drink everyday (he rarely drinks at home) that he does not have a drinking problem. He says "I just made some bad choices". He says "I don't do it as often or stay out as late"...it has gone from almost everyday, prior to his DUI, to every few months or so, but when it happens, he does not tell me he's going and does not answer his phone while he's there and when I ask him why he says "because I don't want to hear it when I'm at the bar, I'd just rather deal with it when I get home"...


Well, every few months is a significant improvement, though obviously there are still issues. 

It also sounds like your husband is not happy at home, either. I'm not saying this as a blame thing, but what might he be unhappy with?


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