# lulu's blog/journal



## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i like the idea of one place to put all my thoughts like some other posters have done, so i'm gonna give this a whirl.

chad and i were together (are together?) for 5 years. i have 3 boys from my first marriage that he became the main father figure to. 9 weeks ago we got in an arguement, and he said he was unhappy and wanted to leave to figure things out in his head. he had been cranky and distant for a week or so prior to this, but i just thought it was due to him working a lot. he left and i did all the wrong things; calling and texting and beging and crying. we got into a huge fight 2 weeks later when i ran into his single friends and told me they were sorry we broke up. i called him accusing him of seeing somebody else. he claimed he never said that to his friends, that we just needed to have a brief separation so he could figure things out, but he still loved me and wanted to make things work. a week and several "save my marriage" books later, i decided to be the ultimate loving partner. i wrote love letters and listed all the things i adored about him. made breakfast or lunch and would put it in his car early in the morning so he found it on the way to work. txt him good morning, i love you, sweet dreams, ect. i thought this was working when he agreed to spend some time together. we'd watch a movie or bbq 1-2x's a week, but whenever he was home he seemed distant and never stayed long. 

last week we had a sit down talk and i told him i really wanted to proactively work on our relationship. he agreed. he agreed to go to counseling. he agreed to a once a week date night. he even agreed to possibly coming home 3 days a week after we attended counseling. i was on cloud 9! as soon as he left i txt my counselor to tell her. fast forward to this week. he cancels on going to counseling, asking if we can do it next week. i remind him our family vacation is next week. he tells me he's not going to that either. i seriously lost it. i asked him how we were going to work on our relationship, if he's not willing to do anything?! he says he's scared it's just going to end up the same. so i ask, how do you know if you don't try? of course i get i don't know. he won't fully move out, doesn't want to end our relationship, but won't put any effort in. so i suggest 4 weeks of no contact with the rule that we continue to be commited and will not date or sleep with anyone. he agreed, and so it begins.

i don't understand why he's doing this? he claims he loves me and the boys, but just doesn't know if it will work. i know he's not seeing anyone. i just wish he's sh!t or get off the pot.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

last night was really difficult. getting ready for our family vacation minus one of our family members. i couldn't sleep, and just kept tossing and turning, wishing he'd call or text or just walk through the door.
i'm just trying to focus on the positive even though i have a lump in my throat. if he didn't love me, he would have ended things, would have moved all of his things out, would have moved on. just clinging to hope.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

so i wrote in another post that when we came home, all of his things were gone. i tried to call and text him but he never answered. coward. after the initial shock, i'm actually feeling ok, like a weight has been lifted. i went out to dinner and drinks tonight with a guy friend of mine that chad doesn't know (he's reciently started dating my best friend). it's totally platonic, but we went to a place that chad goes to alot, where we know all the people who work there. of course i did this on purpose. i want it to get back to him that i'm moving on. i want him to hurt and question his actions. i know this might seem immature (which i typically am not) but i feel very angry towards him at this point. i know it's not very christian of me, or good for my karma, but i really want him to be miserable and to feel even an inkling of what i have felt. it's like that raw open wound has become an ugly, itchy annoying scab. it doesn't hurt like it did, but there's that constant reminder. i have a counseling sesson tomorrow evening and i think it may be my last one for awhile. i started going to help fix our relationship, and since there isn't a relationship to fix now i don't see much point. plus it's expensive. i've realized although i'm not perfect, i am a pretty awesome person and i have a lot to give. he's the one who was damaged, not me. i am comfortable in this angry phase, and looking forward to eventually feeling indifferent.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i canceled counseling last night. i just didn't have it in me to go. kinda feeling more sad than angry today. it's been 2 weeks since chad and i have spoken, 1 week since he moved out. i've been really good with not calling or texting him, but i want to see him or hear from him so very badly. just typing this, i'm starting to cry. my girlfriend and i are going out for dinner and then to the bar tonight, which will be fun. i'm having a really hard time with the complete lack of closure.
my kids will be gone this weekend. they're staying with their biodad. it will be good to have a break, but at the same time i'm not looking forward to a quiet house.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

so it looks like the kids will be gone for a week or 2. this is good because i can really focus on myself and healing. the not so great part is being in a big empty house i'm going to have alot of time to over think and obsess.
i'm really shocked and hurt chad still hasn't made any contact. yes, i know i asked for nc, but i didn't ask him to sneak into the house and move all his sh1t out. in 2 weeks time was supposed to be when we were to meet up for our post nc talk. i wonder if it will even happen. not sure if i should try to contact him then or just totally leave it in his court? it's only been 2 weeks since nc began, but it feels like forever, and having him completely out of my life, i feel like i'm missing an appendage.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

today's a good day! i slept in, going to the gym in a few, and i don't have much work to do. going to the movies with a girlfriend tonight. my goal today is just to be happy. no pity parties allowed.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

lulubelle said:


> today's a good day! i slept in, going to the gym in a few, and i don't have much work to do. going to the movies with a girlfriend tonight. my goal today is just to be happy. no pity parties allowed.


Good for you, work on yourself first!


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

thanks unsure! man, this is a bumpy road, but i'm really starting to feel like i'm going to be ok no matter what happens. of course, i would love to eventually R, but i'm not constantly day dreaming about the day he comes bursting in begging me to forgive him. now some of my day dreams are about my future, and even the possibility of dating and finding a new love.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

It will get better it just takes time, I promise, the best thing you can do is work on yourself


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i'm going to visit chad's sister in law today. she and i are very close and have decided not to let the situation to effect our friendship. i'm afraid the visit may reopen the wound a little bit, but i guess that's part of the healing process. i'm trying to focus on the positive things that have occured in the past 3 months; all of the empowering realizations i've had. 

before chad, i was a very strong independant person. somehow i lost myself in the relationship and i've began to find me again.

i've reconnected with friends that i didn't see much, and i've become better friends with people i wasn't as close with.

i've picked up all the chores that he used to do. i even figured out how to use the lawnmower and blower. i might get real crazy one day and try to work the edger! 

i thought he was my world, my everything, but i'm still standing, still surviving. amazingly, the world didn't stop turning because he walked away. i didn't spontaneously combust.

although i do still love him, i've realized he wasn't as amazing as i thought he was. somewhere in our relationship i put him on this pedastile that he didn't deserve to be on

i still believe he is my soulmate. i believe no matter what happens, i will always love him. i don't, however believe this guarantees we will be together in the future and i'm ok with that.

in the begining of our separation, i was willing to do ANYTHING to get him back and make this work. i've realized that now i wouldn't do anything. i wouldn't bend so far that i was unhappy just to have him back. i might be willing to someday try to have a balanced relationship with him, but i'm not willing to submit to just his needs and wants.


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## Caught off guard (Jul 17, 2012)

What a [email protected]#@# coward ! I can't believe he would do that, I know the children are not his, but they have been with him for over five years did he even think about how they would feel walking into their home to find his stuff gone ? I get why you did the bring the guy to the bar thing, but you never said if he had any reaction to it, did he ever find out ? Please do not cancel your therapy appointments, especially when you are feeling sad this is the time you need to go the most. 
If you want to get his attention file for legal separation, with him as the person who abandon the home. His action and response will let you know if there is any chance he will ever come home, you need to be able to go on with your life and should not be expected to wait for him. He needs to tell you Yes he is coming home or no he is not, he owes you that much.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

Caught off guard said:


> What a [email protected]#@# coward ! I can't believe he would do that, I know the children are not his, but they have been with him for over five years did he even think about how they would feel walking into their home to find his stuff gone ? I get why you did the bring the guy to the bar thing, but you never said if he had any reaction to it, did he ever find out ? Please do not cancel your therapy appointments, especially when you are feeling sad this is the time you need to go the most.
> If you want to get his attention file for legal separation, with him as the person who abandon the home. His action and response will let you know if there is any chance he will ever come home, you need to be able to go on with your life and should not be expected to wait for him. He needs to tell you Yes he is coming home or no he is not, he owes you that much.


there has still been no contact, and yes he is a big fat coward. the boys are still under the impression he is away for work. i'm just not sure what to tell them yet. it helps they are away for a couple weeks.

my day with this sister in law and baby was really great. his mom came over too and we got to all spend time together. it wasn't difficult at all. they don't think it's over. they both think he will come crawling back eventually. i felt like i was spending time with my family, which they were for so long. i know we will always be close.
our post nc sit down is/was supposed to be july 27 or 28. i'm thinking about writing a letter monday asking if he still wants to talk. i'll be asking for help from ya'll with wording it correctly! even if it is over, i would like the closure.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

so i text chad yesterday exactly what conrad told me (love ya conrad!) he text me back right away saying yes. i didn't respond. 5 minutes later, he text me how about tuesday or wednesday. i didn't respond. 5 minutes later he text me he thought about me all the time and loved me and hoped i was doing ok. and hour later i responded to meet wednesday. he called and told me he was really looking forward to seeing me. we chatted for a few minutes, and we ended up joking about the frustrations of not having sex and laughing. low and behold 8pm there's a knock at my door, and guess who's there. i told him i didn't want to have "the talk" until wednesday, and he said he just really wanted to see me (yes i know this shows his lack of pacience and maybe need to control the situation) then he kissed me. i'm talking crazy passionate movie kiss. we ended up having sex. it's weird because although it felt good, i didn't feel all mushy girl lovey. i know for him that sex=love/connection for him (i know, weird for a guy but he's one of those rare old fashion sex only in relationships type guys.) but it just confirmed for me that i'm not sure if this relationship will work out, and i'm ok with it. not to sound detached or like a guy, but it was just sex for me. although i do love him, i'm not willing to lower my standards just to be with him. as crazy as it sounds, hooking up was a good ice breaker for me, and makes me feel even stronger going into "the talk" wednesday. he did alot of f#cked up sh!it (i wasn't perfect either) and in order for our relationship to work there has to be some major changes. i don't want to fix our old relationship, i want us to have a new one. somewhere along the way, i became codependant and he became a selfish child. i know that isn't how we started out, so now i'll have to wait and see wednesday how things go.
i can't believe how strong i feel. i'm in such a good place mentally, finally in control of myself and my life. even if chad isn't willing to put the effort into this, i'll be ok. actually, i'll be better than ok, i'll be great. our relationship doesn't define me. a good relationship can enrich my life, but it won't make my life better.
for anyone considering doing 180 or nc, it was the best decision i ever made. i found myself again.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Lulu,

Repeat after me... "I'm not ok with that"


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i know i'd get flack from you for sleeping with him. a girls got needs. the bottom line is that i do feel in control of my life right now, and i feel in control of the situation. did he get something out of it? of course he did! i'd be lying to say otherwise. last night he wanted to stay, but i told him it was better if he went home, so he did. on wednesday i'm going to lay out what i want out of a relationship, and i'm willing to hear what he wants. if i don't agree with his requests or he's not willing to put in the effort, then i am 100% ok with ending things and moving on. i refuse to step back into the relationship we had before.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Don't misunderstand.

No judgement from me.

I'm just helping you prepare for Wednesday's conversation.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i know dear. your posts and advice have been instrumental in my healing process. i settled for too long and i won't do it again. him getting blackout drunk with his buddies on a weekly basis? i'm not ok with this. him not contributing financially? i'm not ok with this. him not communicating with me? not ok with this.

i used to think i wasn't ok with him leaving, but now it's a double edged sword. i feel so much better about myself now. i don't think i would have reclaimed my life had he not left. at the same time, if R is a possible how do i trust him and his commitment? how is that earned back?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lulubelle said:


> i know dear. your posts and advice have been instrumental in my healing process. i settled for too long and i won't do it again. him getting blackout drunk with his buddies on a weekly basis? i'm not ok with this. him not contributing financially? i'm not ok with this. him not communicating with me? not ok with this.
> 
> *i used to think i wasn't ok with him leaving, but now it's a double edged sword. i feel so much better about myself now. i don't think i would have reclaimed my life had he not left. at the same time, if R is a possible how do i trust him and his commitment? how is that earned back*?


Replace him with her and I couldn't have said it better myself.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lulubelle said:


> i used to think i wasn't ok with him leaving, but now it's a double edged sword. i feel so much better about myself now. i don't think i would have reclaimed my life had he not left. at the same time, if R is a possible how do i trust him and his commitment? how is that earned back?


Lulu,

It's earned back by him taking ownership for his part.

You haven't seen anything close to that yet.

Wednesday represents another shot (for him).

Remain skeptical. When/if he owns it, you'll know.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

oh i am very skeptical. there is a very thick wall i have built around myself.

you reminded me that although i am not perfect, but HE is the one who left, and HE needs to prove himself. it's easy for me to think in terms of "us working on things". i need to remeber that he needs to doing some wooing to win me back. otherwise, there are no consequences to his leaving.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lulubelle said:


> oh i am very skeptical. there is a very thick wall i have built around myself.
> 
> you reminded me that although i am not perfect, but HE is the one who left, and HE needs to prove himself. it's easy for me to think in terms of "us working on things". i need to remeber that he needs to doing some wooing to win me back. otherwise, there are no consequences to his leaving.


Lulu,

If you view it through this prism, it will make life easier:

There are 3 ways we operate with a giving spirit.

1) We do things that give US pleasure. This is the essential 180. The things we usually leave by the side of the road when we immerse ourselves in a relationship. So, emphasize these - and say "yes" to them.

2) We do things for others that make us FEEL GOOD about ourselves. Acts of service. Acts of charity. Volunteer work. Helping a friend. Supporting a friend. Typing on a message board. These are "selfish" acts in the fact that they are for us - but they benefit others and it's about abundance.

3) We do things for others that make us FEEL BAD about ourselves. This may sound strange, but in your heart, you know it's true. Oftentimes, we bargain with ourselves and talk ourselves into it for some expected payback down the road. Perhaps it will convince them to love us the way we want or it will get their kids to respect us.. or something. This is the ticket to emotional hell. Anyone who is able to look at their failing relationship with insight will see these things in the rear-view mirror. Times you swallowed hard and said yes when you KNEW you should say no or put your foot down.

IF you can eliminate #3's in your life, you move from codependent and miserable to independent and happy.

Whether he can accept this new version of Lulu? Well, that's his call - and yours.

(BTW - this stuff comes from Anthony DeMello) I've added my personal spin to it, but I can't claim any credit for thinking it up.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

oh, how i wish i could shrink you and keep you in my pocket conrad. letting go of #3 has been huge in my 180. it happened very suddenly shortly after i started nc. everything was suddenly much clearer. i suddenly wasn't angry over the things he had done that hurt me, i thought "why did i allow him to do those things/treat me like that?" people treat you the way you allow them to treat you, and by not giving him consequences and making it known that it was not ok for him to xyz, i was making his behavior acceptable!
it's like a child will push limits until they are stopped and redirected or learn there are consequences. this is how children learn right from wrong and social rules. relationships (at least mine) are no different. i know that even if R is a possible, it will not be easy because he will have to relearn my limits and i will have to learn how to communicate to him what i find acceptable. he may not accept the new version of me but i know i will be ok with that because i deserve to be respected and my needs are not outlandish.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

and you may find that you are really not wanting to put in the time to retrain them, especially if the choice is a new relationship that you can establish everything from the outset without having to go through unlearning everything first. That is pretty much where I am at.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> and you may find that you are really not wanting to put in the time to retrain them, especially if the choice is a new relationship that you can establish everything from the outset without having to go through unlearning everything first. That is pretty much where I am at.


i have already thought about this sam. i don't want to be negative, but i can see the "unlearning/retraining" process being long and difficult. i'm pretty commited, but one can only take so much. like conrad said, he has to accept the new me and the new expectations that i have.
the future will be decided by his actions and how i allow myself to react to them.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

You have an amazingly stable and objective outlook right now. I'm proud of you. How long has this been going on for you again?


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> You have an amazingly stable and objective outlook right now. I'm proud of you. How long has this been going on for you again?


thanks sam! it's been 3 months. i'm telling you, that month of nc really put things into perspective. sometimes i worry that this "good place" i'm in might have a false bottom. no matter how our talk goes wednesday, there will be difficult times ahead i know.
i guess at this point, he's already gone so him continuing to be gone won't really create a different outcome. i will have to tell the kids, which will be hard. if we try to R, then that will have it's own challenges, and isn't a guarantee- i could just end up in my current situation again, but my commitment makes this a gamble i'm willing to take.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lulubelle said:


> thanks sam! it's been 3 months. i'm telling you, that month of nc really put things into perspective. sometimes i worry that this "good place" i'm in might have a false bottom. no matter how our talk goes wednesday, there will be difficult times ahead i know.
> i guess at this point, he's already gone so him continuing to be gone won't really create a different outcome. i will have to tell the kids, which will be hard. if we try to R, then that will have it's own challenges, and isn't a guarantee- i could just end up in my current situation again, but my commitment makes this a gamble i'm willing to take.


You are pretty much on the same timeframe I am, and she texted me today to call her so I did. She asked to meet this Thursday. I think I am going to agree to meet with her to talk about things, so lets wish eachother luck, and stay strong! You know where to find me if you need someone to talk to after your meeting.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

You won't end up in the same position if you only attempt to R once he has stepped up. Just sit back, observe, and you will know whether R is a good idea or not. Three months of NC from my stbxh has sealed the deal for me...no effort on his part means R is no longer an option.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> You are pretty much on the same timeframe I am, and she texted me today to call her so I did. She asked to meet this Thursday. I think I am going to agree to meet with her to talk about things, so lets wish eachother luck, and stay strong! You know where to find me if you need someone to talk to after your meeting.


i'm sending you big bear hugs and positive energy sam. i hope that no matter how our meetings go, we are both at peace with ourselves after. we can only control ourselves, our actions and reactions.

i think i might write "i'm not ok with this" on my hand prior to our meeting, or put a toothpick in my pocket to remind myself of the 2X4's that will come my way if i regress!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MyselfAgain said:


> You won't end up in the same position if you only attempt to R once he has stepped up. Just sit back, observe, and you will know whether R is a good idea or not. Three months of NC from my stbxh has sealed the deal for me...no effort on his part means R is no longer an option.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He has really hurt you.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> You won't end up in the same position if you only attempt to R once he has stepped up. Just sit back, observe, and you will know whether R is a good idea or not. Three months of NC from my stbxh has sealed the deal for me...no effort on his part means R is no longer an option.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you are right. i won't end up in the same position because i'm not the same person and i won't allow myself to walk the same path. on wednesday i will watch and i will listen. i will absorb not only what he says but his body language. i will allow him to carry the conversation so that he is not simply repeating me or saying what i want to hear. i will not try to "fix" like i always do.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lulubelle said:


> you are right. i won't end up in the same position because i'm not the same person and i won't allow myself to walk the same path. on wednesday i will watch and i will listen. i will absorb not only what he says but his body language. i will allow him to carry the conversation so that he is not simply repeating me or saying what i want to hear. i will not try to "fix" like i always do.


Stay at 50,000 feet and observe him like you're meeting him for the first time.

Come back here and share your observations.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

ok so this evening is "the talk". i know to sit back and observe. i know to let him express himself first. i know to answer questions thoughtfully and carefully. i am fully prepared to let him know when "i'm not ok with this". if he tells me this is over, unfixable, i am fully prepared to say ok and wish him well. but i'm wondering if he DOES want R, what steps should we put in to practice today? what is the first step? i feel like the whole dating thing is moot, because getting along on a basic level, light conversation, even sex was never really the issue. it's the day to day stuff. i feel like if we date, i will still be bitter because i'm still running the household, taking care of kids, and working, while he relaxes as his parents. i'm not ok with this!
also, there are habits i know i don't want to fall back into. do i bring these up today? they aren't "you did this wrong" things, they're "i allowed this to go on, and it wasn't good for either of us. i'd like to do things this way instead". i know these things are 50% my fault too. i don't want to overload him today if R is possible, but i don't want to push it off to talk about later, because it will get brushed aside.
i am a "fixer" by nature. give me a problem, and i'll tell you what you need to do to make it all better! i feel like part of my journey through 180 is to be a better listener, and learn to give him the power to man up and do some fixing. this may be even harder than nc.

so question is, if R is on the table, how exactly should this conversation unfurl? he isn't great at communication so i know i will need to ask open ended questions to prompt his answers.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Lulu,

Relax.

What you say is, "I'm not ok with dating if I have 100% of childcare responsibilities"... and you go deathly quiet


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

thank you conrad. deep breaths. i know i'm over thinking this.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I suspect that he will not give you any finality as far as divorce or reconcilliation. He will probably leave you in limbo. How long are you prepared to allow yourself to be in limbo? Are you prepared to be the one to make the call?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lulubelle said:


> thank you conrad. deep breaths. i know i'm over thinking this.


Talk very little.

Just tell him what you're not ok with.

Don't even give him reasons why.

(You're not going to convince him of anything anyway)

Let him fill in the blanks.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I suspect that he will not give you any finality as far as divorce or reconcilliation. He will probably leave you in limbo. How long are you prepared to allow yourself to be in limbo? Are you prepared to be the one to make the call?


well if he says "i don't know" i might need an alibi! if he does not know at this point if he even wants to try to be in this relationship, then i'm taking that as a no. i refuse to sit around and be your plan B while you prance around like a 22 year old and enjoy the rest of your summer. i am prepared to end this, because i am worth more than this. 

i understand people have MLC or breakdowns or whatever. there was never any infidelity or abuse. we both still love eachother. i'm not asking him to promise me this will work and we'll be happy forever. i am asking that he try. if our relationship is not worth his time or effort, then he is not worth me wasting any more time in limbo waiting around. i have regained my self esteem and self worth in this separation. i refuse to give that up again.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lulubelle said:


> well if he says "i don't know" i might need an alibi! if he does not know at this point if he even wants to try to be in this relationship, then i'm taking that as a no. i refuse to sit around and be your plan B while you prance around like a 22 year old and enjoy the rest of your summer. i am prepared to end this, because i am worth more than this.
> 
> i understand people have MLC or breakdowns or whatever. there was never any infidelity or abuse. we both still love eachother. i'm not asking him to promise me this will work and we'll be happy forever. i am asking that he try. if our relationship is not worth his time or effort, then he is not worth me wasting any more time in limbo waiting around. i have regained my self esteem and self worth in this separation. i refuse to give that up again.


I have to question a couple of things here...you still love him, but I am not sure you can say that you both love eachother because he's not really showing it. His actions do not agree with you.

I know you are not asking him to promise you forever, because you already did that, and he broke that promise.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

that's true. i'm just going on the fact that he still tells me he loves me.

***REMINDER TO MYSELF: love is an act, moreso than an emotion. in order to FEEL love, you must SHOW love, and have love shown to you in return.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Lulu,

I'll bet you do most of the talking when you two are together.

Time for that to change.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Lulu,
> 
> I'll bet you do most of the talking when you two are together.
> 
> Time for that to change.


when it comes to serious matters, i sure do. like i said, i have always been the fixer. today i will become the listener.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lulubelle said:


> when it comes to serious matters, i sure do. like i said, i have always been the fixer. today i will become the listener.


Make him talk.

You simply tell him what you're not ok with - and you do not explain it. He's not a dummy. Giving your reasons... trying to convince him puts him in the position to judge.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

how do i make him talk?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

When you do not give him any explanation, and remind yourself that YOU OWE HIM NOTHING, be prepared for almost anything. You have seen some of the things my stbxw has thrown at me. Most of that is in relation to me not giving her explanations or reasons, just telling her what I am and am not OK with.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

The less you talk the better. Keep sentences short and be armed and ready to make the call to END it. If he's still undecided he just wants to keep you in the loop. Don't allow him to. Good luck!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lulubelle said:


> how do i make him talk?


He will talk when he realizes that you are not giving reasons or explanations. When he realizes that you are not engaging him. He will say all kinds of things to get you to talk, to open up to him. He will probably tell you at least some of what you want to hear in hopes of drawing you out. Be prepared and remember, YOU OWE HIM NOTHING!


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

"I owe him nothing. i am not ok with this."

ok this is my mantra. gotta do some work. i'll be back in a few!


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

update. when i hadn't heard from him by 6:20 (he typically works until 5:30) i text him, "what time will you be coming over?"
he text back, "trying to schedule classes for next semester. later or maybe tomorrow."
i text back, "later works for me, but i have plans tomorrow. let me know."

i am so pissed off right now. signing up for classes shouldn't take more than an hour. there is no reason he couldn't be here by 7:30-8:00. once again, our relationship is not a priority.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Actions speak louder than words. I'm sorry. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Nice


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I must be the woman here or something. I want to talk about my feeling and my wife does not..

I can't understand not talking from the heart when it is needed...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lulubelle said:


> update. when i hadn't heard from him by 6:20 (he typically works until 5:30) i text him, "what time will you be coming over?"
> he text back, "trying to schedule classes for next semester. later or maybe tomorrow."
> i text back, "later works for me, but i have plans tomorrow. let me know."
> 
> i am so pissed off right now. signing up for classes shouldn't take more than an hour. there is no reason he couldn't be here by 7:30-8:00. once again, our relationship is not a priority.


I am assuming he is signing up online at that time of the day, so that could wait until later, or until tomorrow.

I think you have just gotten the answer to your question. I'm so sorry.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

we talked on the phone. i was strong but i'm a mess right now. i'll update tomorrow. just can't deal with it right now.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Why did you guys talk... 

I would think talking before bed is the worst time as it screws up your sleep.. Do it in the morning so you have time to digest it throughout the day


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

he moved out, and he workd early in the morning. i'm such a pathetic sobbing mess right now. god i fvcking hate him and the fact that he can draw this kind of emotion out of me.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I will sit here and cry with you.. I need it anyways..


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Sorry you're going through this. Cry and let it out. Then get yourself together and forget about this LOSER!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lulubelle said:


> update. when i hadn't heard from him by 6:20 (he typically works until 5:30) i text him, "what time will you be coming over?"
> he text back, "trying to schedule classes for next semester. later or maybe tomorrow."
> i text back, "later works for me, but i have plans tomorrow. let me know."
> 
> i am so pissed off right now. signing up for classes shouldn't take more than an hour. there is no reason he couldn't be here by 7:30-8:00. once again, our relationship is not a priority.


Lulu,

When he says "later, maybe tomorrow", the right answer is, "Maybe not"


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i know conrad, but i wanted to do this while the kids were gone. god knows how long he would have drug this out. we're supposed to talk again today to discuss what to tell the kids and whatnot. you all would have been proud of the conversation. i listened, i didn't cry. well maybe some silent tears. i sounded very strong. when he tried to redirect the conversation to small talk, i cut him off and let him know that wasn't the point of this conversation. i got a lot of i don't knows, i love you and miss you, but i feel like this is the right thing for me right now. i need to get myself together and go back to school so i can get out of this dead end job. i know i'll regret this in the next 3 to 6 months, blah blah blah.
i told him i wasn't willing to wait around, that if he isn't willing to work on this, i'm moving on.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

still feeling down today. this sucks. i was doing so well, and now i feel like i'm starting from square one.
i asked him to tell the kids with me so that we appeared to be a united front. he still hasn't responded. how the heck do i tell my kids he's gone and they may never see him again! what a douchey coward. did i mention this sucks?


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i believe he's having a MLC. i think he's hit rock bottom. he told me he's only working 40 hours a week, and his mom said he rarely leaves the house. he hasn't recieved the promotions or raises or training he was promised in this job, so he's going back to school to try to better himself. i think he is severely depressed and needs help, which i doubt he will seek out. although he's treating me and the kids like sh!t, i do think he still loves us but doesn't feel worthy.

BUT
i do not feel bad for him. he is choosing to leave his family, and worse he is choosing to do so in a very immature cowardly way. i would have stood by his side while he got through this, but he chooses to do this on his own. 

now i need to dust off my butt again and continue to move forward.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

*sigh*


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Hey you...haven't heard from you in a while. How are you doing?


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