# He never goes "all the way"



## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

Hi everyone, I'm new here, I've been reading and commenting on various things I've seen here and decided to tell my own story. My husband and I have been married almost 9 years (June will be 9) I am 33 (next week is my 33rd bday) and he is 30 (he'll be 31 in 2 weeks). We got married very quickly. It was one of those "you just know" feelings with him and everything was great for the first couple years. Then we moved to his hometown and everything went to crap. To make a long story super short (if you want to know specifics or details, just ask me), the first time, he made plans to sleep with a coworker but backed out at the last minute (before I found out), the 2nd time was an online affair complete with Skype video chats and nude chats as well, the 3rd time was him perusing Craigslist "looking for real women to send him pictures" as well as a woman on Snapchat that he was emailing with an alternate email. This last time was with a woman he works with again, she sent him semi-nude pictures, they flirted at work, through texting etc., even after I found out. Also, on top of those, his "best friend" when we first moved up here was a girl, he spent so much time with her that I felt neglected. When I mentioned this, he started deleting conversations with her too. 

He has said each time "It won't happen again, I love you" etc. etc. etc. I don't know what to believe anymore. We have 2 kids, the oldest isn't his biologically but has been raised by him and the youngest is his. I'm not ready to leave him at this point because I don't have a job nor any money saved up to go and I honestly am still madly in love with him. 

I'm terrified its going to happen again. Is there anyone out there in my position that can give me any comfort that it gets better? Like the title says, he's never physically touched any of them women he's flirted with, so I don't know what to do.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

First thing to do, don't believe him. Your husband sounds like a serial cheater who most likely won't stop. 

Contact a lawyer and find out your financial options.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

First, I'm sorry you are here.

Second, yes it is going to hapoen again if you are not taking severe and serious steps to make it change. It is not going to change by itself, and he is not going to change it without real consequences to not changing it.

Third, you need to give us a little more info to know, but from the little you shared about his antics, I'd bet more ha ooened than you believe or "know" about. If you're reading the forum here, you will find example after example after example of this being slmost always a true fact. You know he "didn't go through with it" how? Because he told you so? 

While it is great that you are madly in love with him, you need to start by figuring out what this man you are so madly in love with is actually doing and thinking, and whether he is calable of being madly in love with you -- including why he's gone astray so often already. Serial cheaters (which he is, btw -- make no mistake about it) are usually just not capable of true monogomy without serious counseling. You need to find out why he's been doing this, for starters.

Read here and learn, with the expectation that the things you read are likely applying to you and him. You're not different or special or uniquely situated. Cheating is cheating. Trickle truth happens almost always. Cheater script does, too. And cheater language almost certainly applies to what he has told you. Buckle in, you're in for a long, hard ride and not the good kind, I'm sorry.

You will get advise here, everything from "dump the loser scum now" to "read books". Filter it all, find what works for you and use it, but I'd almost guarantee you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg. I know that is not the "comfort" you want to hear, but there isn't anyone here who would simply tell you "Don't worry, it gets better", because it doesn't without serious and severe changes. Without dramatic change, it actually just gets worse.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

So sorry youre here. I am a betrayed wife. I found indiscretions similar to the ones you describe, then found evidence of several physical affairs. I too was told I was likely seeing the tip of the iceberg. I didn't want to believe it, but those who said that were right. 
We are reconciling, but we could not even begin this process until I had the whole ugly truth and a spouse willing to do the hard work of rebuilding our relationship, trust, etc.


Things are unlikely to get better on their own. Are you able to Start taking classes or training for a trade so that if it comes down to it, you'll be able to support yourself? I think this is important for any woman, no matter how strong her relationship is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why would it get better? There are no consequences for his behavior. He tells you it will never happen again and you believe him. Until the next time. That tells him he can continue doing as he pleases and he does. He's a serial cheater. They don't just magically stop.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

These are the times you caught him. Do you ever wonder how many times you didn't catch him? How many times did he make love to other women?

He is a serial cheater. He cannot change. 

Is this a dealbreaker for you? 

You are madly in love with him. Unfortunately that's a one way street.

Good luck!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Get divorce papers for him to sign (you can back out later if you want to). Type up a letter to leave next to the papers on the kitchen table. You're at your mothers/friends. You'll send for your things. "Sorry, but I can't live this way any longer. I'm done". 

You then go dark and whomever you are staying with will coordinate visitations with the kids until the divorce is final. That will get his attention. Of that I have no doubt.

Make him think for AT LEAST a month that you are going through with it. Once you see some CONCRETE PROOF that he will change, you MAY take him back.



Kresaera said:


> Also, on top of those, his "best friend" when we first moved up here was a girl, he spent so much time with her that I felt neglected. When I mentioned this, he started deleting conversations with her too.
> 
> ...Like the title says, he's never physically touched any of them women he's flirted with, so I don't know what to do.



Yes, he is a serial cheater and it AMAZES me when women in this situation say "I know it hasn't gone physical yet". I'll bet everything I have that it has once or twice. 

Scare the crap out of him or leave him. They both start out the same way, so get the ball rolling.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

judging from his pattern of behavior, and realistically speaking it will be a trend. 

He may just be a serial cheater, and his words really don't mean much.

He may be using them to hook you.

I suggest you find a job, go to school, and learn to be independent. 

Everything in life is temporary, and you should set your life up for success.

Don't be too reliant on another human being, especially if you have the power to change your circumstances. 

Seek some therapy, and ask yourself, why is my self worth so low?

I deserve a loyal spouse. 

Don't try and figure him out, he has his own issues and it isn't your job to fix anyone.

If you look at addiction, someone has to hit rock bottom or near it to seek change. They will seek that help themselves.

Can you think with a detach mentality?

You said that he loves you, but somehow he can't stop hurting you. 

So please improve your life, and find some clarity.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

We all like to think we're still attractive to the opposite sex - or same sex if you're G/L.

Most of us, though, don't NEED perpetual affirmation.

NEED is the operative word here, cuz he seems unable to give it up.

Since he's done it numerous times already, it's a near certainty that you'll be hearing his promise to never do it again for the rest of your life if you don't insist on some change.

It's disrespectful to you and you shouldn't let him get away with it.

If he can't or won't stop, insist he gets some therapy to get to the root of his NEED.

While you put up with it, he'll keep doing it until he's old,, and maybe not even then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Kresaera said:


> Is there anyone out there in my position that can give me any comfort that it gets better?


What is your definition of better? Better at tolerating it by hoping it won't happen again or attaining peace of mind KNOWING it won't happen again. Inaction will continue to employ the former, no consequences of merit have been administered. Since this aspect is avoided he will always at least have the confidence to proceed in this manner. Also, being a guy, The only time a man will not engage with a naked women for sex when the opportunity is present is on Septober 38th. That is not a misprint, ergo, yes he has at least once physically cheated on you. I am sorry, I truly am, but the first thing you must do is accept it. Until you do you are trapped in limbo. 

If you have no children simply walk. Yes, leave the comfort of your home since the familiarity and soothing feeling of home is trumped by the paranoia and anxiety of what he MAY or is doing. Remove yourself from this atmosphere and relocate to a family setting or friends house immediately. If you can't afford to throw Divorce on the table you can at least rebuild your self esteem and confidence without the need to put up with this sh1t, for now. 

If he finally see's what you are prepared to do in response to his behavior he will submit and surrender to your needs, not wants, to ensure total transparency and effort is being made to repair the relationship. So stop spending your time at home alone wondering what he is doing. Flip the script and make him feel this way. Let him see how much fun it is to eat cake without the fork!!!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well if you're not ready to leave then your only option is to accept it. He's a serial cheater and you have no power to do anything about it. He probably knows you're his doormat and doesn't respect it in the least, and the main reason he tells you it won't happen again is not because he thinks you'll do anything about it but because he doesn't want to listen to you.

Seriously, if you've decided that you'll put up with it if it means keeping him then why worry about it? Just accept that he cheats and put your own life together.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Kresaera, for some reason, your H has been cruising around, toying with the idea of physical infidelity for a long time. We don't know if he had actually scratched this itch already, but I am sure you already know that you aren't able to take him at his word that he is done with this behavior.

Only H can answer the why's of his behavior, so don't take it upon yourself to figure out what it is that you have done wrong to lead him to go astray. Sure, all marriages have their problems, but cruising for sex outside of marriage is not something you deserve.

Since you seem to catch him a lot, he probably has committed to taking his behavior underground...covering his tracks better. Many people have suggested to those in limbo to purchase a Voice Activated Recorder secured with velcro tape under a suspected WS's car seat...as many WSs use the privacy of their car to engage in conversation with affair partners. It is already a given that this situation has made you stressed, anxious, and hypervigilant...and sometimes it is best to get that assurance that a VAR can provide so you can "just know." BTW, a VAR just for getting proof for yourself, and is not meant for you to throw it in his face or play it to expose his affair to everyone. You don't let anyone know you did this...but you can use it for your knowledge and action taking.

In the meantime, whether you have proof or not, the best indication that your marriage is on the right track is based on how willing your H is committed to work on the marriage. If he apologizes and begs and pleads, but everything goes back the way it was and you aren't doing anything different together...then things probably aren't getting better. If he continues to have shady behavior with unusual excuses, then don't ignore your intuition.

Decide for yourself where you draw the line. If you want to fight for the marriage then pull out the stops, giving him and his bullstuff no quarter. 100% accountability, marriage counseling, rearranging lifestyle to avoid temptation (doing more together, no late nights up alone). If he truly wants to heal the marriage then he needs to be fully invested into doing what he needs to do to regain your trust. If not, you will continue to be traumatized and will never feel safe.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Kresaera, I'm sorry to say this, but I agree with Joker. At least once, in all of these instances, he has gotten physical. I am not speaking from the perspective of a bitter betrayed SD pose (not a dig at the betrayed here, I promise!). I am speaking as one who betrayed my husband. Mine was "only" online/text/email. However, I know, for a fact, that it would have been physical had we ever met offline. But exchanging photos like that with a coworker? Flirting? Sorry, hon, but he slept with at least one of them... and I am betting the "best friend" was one as well.

Does it get better? That depends on your definition of "better". Some will stop cheating. Some continue and the betrayed just turns a blind eye. It just depends how you handle it whether it gets "better" or not. Personally, I would get tested for STDs. If he asks why, tell him point blank that it's because you don't believe him. If they come back negative and he tries to use the "I told you so" speech, I would fire back with him being lucky his girlfriend(s) were clean... this time. You have a choice: put your foot down or suck it up. Your choice. Live with the cheating... or don't.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

people who have tried to commit suicide are more likely to do it again and succeed.. 

All these trial runs and half way attempts are just leading up to the real thing. I know this because my Ex wife pretty much did the same thing your husband is doing.. She was always caught before hand, until she actually had the physical affair and then she left.. It took her 90 days and 2 sexual encounters with the other man to give up on her 20 year relationship and 2 kids pretty much.

You're still young.. Fix YOURSELF.. Go out and go to school and become a working professional.. 

This goes against the normal grain here, but to me I see where this is going for you and its not good..

I would use your husband to take care of the kids and go back to school to become an X ray tech or a nurse or dental hygienist.. Something that pays more than 20 dollars an hour and with flexible hours, where you can make your own schedule.. Work hard at that and then cut him loose after your done.. 

Once you have financial freedom you will see things in a different light..

Simply nine years in and he is doing this that much ? No good..


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband did one good, right thing. He married well, because he married you.

Sadly, his Emotional Development seems to be stuck at quarter past 12, i.e., he is behaving like a pre-teen running from one childish fling to another.

This would be fine if he were between the ages of 12 and 13, but he isn't. He should have grown up long, long before he got married.

He doesn't treat you right, so you should file for divorce, IMO.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Kresaera said:


> Hi everyone, I'm new here, I've been reading and commenting on various things I've seen here and decided to tell my own story. My husband and I have been married almost 9 years (June will be 9) I am 33 (next week is my 33rd bday) and he is 30 (he'll be 31 in 2 weeks). We got married very quickly. It was one of those "you just know" feelings with him and everything was great for the first couple years. Then we moved to his hometown and everything went to crap. To make a long story super short (if you want to know specifics or details, just ask me), the first time, he made plans to sleep with a coworker but backed out at the last minute (before I found out), the 2nd time was an online affair complete with Skype video chats and nude chats as well, the 3rd time was him perusing Craigslist "looking for real women to send him pictures" as well as a woman on Snapchat that he was emailing with an alternate email. This last time was with a woman he works with again, she sent him semi-nude pictures, they flirted at work, through texting etc., even after I found out. Also, on top of those, his "best friend" when we first moved up here was a girl, he spent so much time with her that I felt neglected. When I mentioned this, he started deleting conversations with her too.
> 
> He has said each time "It won't happen again, I love you" etc. etc. etc. I don't know what to believe anymore. We have 2 kids, the oldest isn't his biologically but has been raised by him and the youngest is his. I'm not ready to leave him at this point because I don't have a job nor any money saved up to go and I honestly am still madly in love with him.
> 
> *I'm terrified its going to happen again. Is there anyone out there in my position that can give me any comfort that it gets better?* Like the title says, he's never physically touched any of them women he's flirted with, so I don't know what to do.


Dear Kresaera,

It's pretty much guaranteed to happen again and to get worse unless you make it clear to your husband that it must stop.

Speak with a divorce attorney, then tell your husband that you have done so and that, if he ever does something like this again, you will instruct the attorney to file the divorce papers.

This may be the wake up call that he needs to straighten up and fly right.


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## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

Thank you all for your advice/opinions/input. I guess I should give you all some more details about our relationship. I know at least 3 of the 4 were not physical. One woman was in Wisconsin, we are in Ohio. It wasn't possible for him to go there or for her to come here. The 'best friend' is now a good friend of mine, crazy, I know but it was almost 6 years ago and we've talked about how they made me feel extensively. I'm confident nothing happened between the 2 of them. The other one was a bunch of random women from Craigslist sending him pictures. They were scattered all over the country. It is just this last one that I'm not sure about. She told me nothing happened, he told me nothing happened, but why would they tell me something did, ya know? I've definitely got my guard up and I am definitely paying very close attention to every thing he does. I have programs on his phone that send his texts to my laptop, I have programs on his phone that show me his web history on my laptop. 

Also, this time feels different, as far as him changing. He has agreed to counselling and he is doing different exercises with me as far as relationship building stuff. We are reading "Not Just Friends" and "His Needs, Her Needs" together. He isn't telling me to "Get over it" like he did the first couple times. He told me he thought I was leaving him this time, to which I replied that I may still, that I haven't made up my mind yet. 

I do not trust him at all, and he knows this. It's been about a month and a half since I found out and so far, he's actually been making a noticeable effort. I am in no way taking up for him, I am still investigating and trying to find things out. He says I have the whole truth, I prefer to find the truth out on my own. 

Again, thank you all for your advice.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Good deal.

In my experience, time seems to slow down in the moments post-affair, and a month and a half is _not_ a long time in the grand scheme of things. Just keep moving forward...and when you feel you are about to burst, find someone to talk to or some means to vent.

You are going to be very keyed up for a while. It well lessen if there is some means of consistency where he is re-establishing trust...however....

...the big dangling issue that will eat away at you is the excuses that were made. Yes, the #1 excuse that WS and AP will say is that they were just friends, only supporting each other through a tough time..blah, blah, blah. The unsafe feeling you may be experiencing would be due to the fact that his excuses aren't adding up...and if a wayward spouse thinks they can slip by unscathed without revealing the whole story, they will!

A major step to reconciliation will be FULL DISCLOSURE...without that there will not be a foundation of trust to rebuild a marriage upon. Hopefully, you will get to the point where you feel like you got all the info and aren't being taken to crazy-town.


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