# A (happier, occasionally orgasmic) Miss Scarlett update.



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I was going to wait a few more weeks to post. In a few weeks it I'll be one year since I burst into tears and told DH I'd never had an orgasm with him (or anyone for that matter.) This was 18 years into our sexual relationship (and marriage.)

Over the last 4 months or so I was feeling that divorce was imminent. At least a separation. We had not been getting along on top of our other issues. It was not that I wanted to divorce or separate as much as it seemed it was going to happen because things weren't getting better and I didn't want to carry on like that.

About 6 weeks ago we had a huge fight, the only fight we've ever had about sex. (I've had sexual grievances of course - but am a sulker, not a fighter. Sexual discussions had always been tearful to this point, not violent.) This lasted for 4 days - the fight only lasted for 2 days and then negotiations commenced. 

Good and bad things were said. For instance, DH said he never knew for sure if I was having orgasms or not - and it was never a priority to him. I had put a lot of energy into really good faking (I thought) and had become trapped by not wanting to disappoint him, make him feel bad, etc. Once you start faking its difficult to stop, of course, especially if you don't ever have a real one. 

PS - I stopped faking of course with my tearful confession last March as what's the point?

I cried many bitter tears over him saying this, friends. I called him a selfish ass and told my friends we weren't probably going to make it in the days following. 

However, then a strange thing happened. Unexpected. I had not realized how much pressure I was still putting on myself to orgasm for his sake. Often this would cause me to panic or make him stop trying because I couldn't deal with the fear of it not happening, making him feel 'bad'. As my anger subsided I started to feel free. He made it clear that me getting off (or not)had no bearing on his own sexual satisfaction. I was suddenly, unexpectedly, free of this 18 year burden (that I didn't even fully realize I had) of not wanting to hurt his feelings. I only had to worry about myself. You know, be responsible for my own orgasm (holds sides laughing over how many times I have gone off over that statement on this board.)

DH is a pretty shrewd negotiator and problem solver. After my anger subsided he asked for a sit down negotiation. He was very thrown by me being so violently angry. He said he had been so sad that week. He could see my hurt and knew he had been skating and being lazy in our relationship. It was time to get to the bottom of this issue. He started out by saying he would never reject me again. When I wanted sex we would have it, as much and as detailed as I pleased. The only thing he asked was that I was very clear about what I needed at the time. He makes a terrible mind reader (I can attest to this. Lol.)

I felt moved upon to say the same to him at this point.

Further talks continued on each other's expectations for sex (how often, how long, what it should idealy entail.)

I really felt so much better, heard, understood and cared about after discussions ended. It's been about a month now and things are working really well so far. A few weeks ago we went on a short trip together without kids. It was really wonderful. We had such a good time and I felt like we were falling in love again.

I am redoing our bedroom. It's going to be luxurious and sexy. I am making due with a lot of what we already have but new paint, light fixtures and a very sexy upholstered headboard! Every time I go in that room I want to be reminded that it is a new chapter.

Me and orgasms - I feel like I can have one when I want one. I no longer feel bound by time or thinking he would rather be watching tv. I sometimes choose to try and and a lot of the time I don't. If i want one I now also feel comfortable bringing out the vibrator or doing it myself in addition to the oral/manual from him. Because I feel like I can have one it has reduced my desperation for them.

Do I wish I was one of the ladies here who are easily and multiply orgasmic - yes of course I do. Every time a man here writes about his wife who hates sex and won't have sex but gets off 2-3x when they do - it hurts a bit. Not going to lie.

Do I wish DH and I were the sexual soulmates I read about here and in romance novels? Of course - I'm not going to lie about that either. We have never been sexual soulmates. We don't speak in the same sexual language. I don't imagine most couples have to negotiate sexual satisfaction like a business - or maybe it is more common than I think and we aren't so strange

In any case - I am happy with the way things are. I am happy with him. I have learned a lot in the past year. Most importantly that I need to ask for what I need. Sex and other parts of life. Adults ask for what they need and I'm learning. Also - if you are a lady that has never had a random orgasm in 22 years of sexual activity - it's unlikely you are going to turn into Anastasia Steele overnight - as much as you might like to. You get the cards you get. And I do understand that my experience might have been different with another man - but there is too much good in my relationship to find out for sure. And it's possible my experience would have been the same with someone else. A year ago I would have told you this was 100% DH fault and doing - but of course that hasn't ended up being true either. We were both at fault and now are both trying - it's good. It's been an unexpected surprise in life.

Sorry Miss Scarlett gets so wordy.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Hurrah! Progress!

I actually feel you have a shot at being each other's sexual soul mates...sometimes this happens later in life anyway.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I like the sound of that!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Very Inspirational Miss Scarlet. I hope others read this And take heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Well, if this isn't a great post! Congrats Miss Scarlett! So very happy for you! It will only keep getting better and better now!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Scarlett...I have a non-orgasm related question. I may have asked it before, but the answer may have changed since then anyway...

Do you and your H kiss well? Do you spend time kissing, is it fun and easy, and do you do so outside of sex? 

I think you read some of the Schnarch material...not sure if you got the one with the kissing exercises or not...so maybe you'll already understand what I am asking.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I would say the kissing has been good, the problem in the past being that he didn't seem to think to do it too much. Lately we have been kissing a lot more. I like it - I hope it stays this way. And now I feel like I can just ask him to kiss me as well.

It's just really strange how I didn't feel like I could do that before, instead of asking, waiting and then getting mad and sad for having to wait.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Ok I will expand a bit, and any woman can answer this if she wants (if you don't mind, Scarlett)...

When you kiss your man do you...

...love his scent/smells and drink him in?

...or are you a teensy bit "ew" about his taste?

...do you relax and let your mind go and get into the kiss?

...or are you basically wanting it to hurry up and be over with?

...do you stay in the moment?

...or does your mind wander quickly to something you don't like about him or some resentment? or anything else?

...when you think of kissing him, do you swoon a little?

...or do you just never think about it, ever?

and finally...

...if you answered one way to all of these, do you realize you could switch it to the other way if you wanted to?

...and do you realize that if you secretly do not like your husband or his kiss, this will be evident to him psychically?


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Very happy to hear that. Good news is in short supply around here and should be shared when ever possible. 

A word to the ladies who fake orgasms. STOP. You Aren't doing anyone a favor, and your probably hurting your sex life. My wife did this for the first year of our marriage. The fault was on both sides. I was I inexperienced and she would refuse to tell me what felt good and didn't feel good (she still does this). When she finally told me about it she had suffered a long time and was very bitter about it. We eventually worked through it and she rarely if ever misses one now days. But I can say for sure that things would have been better early on if she had let me know that there were problems. 

I can attest to kissing being important. I can easily melt my wife with the right kiss and have often gotten her fully aroused for a quickie with only kissing. This was not always the case. Much has changed on for both of us. I have learned to make her experience a priority and she has learned to be more in the moment and not let her mind wander so much. 

It strange to say, but the best sex in our marriage is happening during a very dark time for her. She recently started to recover memories of childhood sexual abuse and has started therapy for it. To help ease things for her I've turned over control of sexual intimacy to her. We only make love when she wants to. Although I'd like it more, she is much better off currently and is feeling more free to express herself sexually for nearly the first time in our 20 year marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

That's a great update, Miss Scarlett.

As for the kissing, since hubby and I have reconciled the kissing has come back. It had gone, bar the occasional peck on the cheek for form's sake. It took a while for the kissing to come back; the sex improved first. But as the relationship got back on track we have both been getting those sudden urges to kiss for no reason other than the kiss. And then we get on with our day.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

Good to hear that things have turned around. It always seems to takes an argument or conflict to move a marriage forward when it is stuck. Many of us try hard to avoid conflict so we get stuck in our relationships for years. Conflicts move your forward. The key is to be able to have a conflict without having a long term grudge. 

Very happy to see things are moving forward again and Orgasm away you have many years of pleasure to catch up on. 

One trick I use that you might try that I use. I tell my partner they are not allowed to orgasm without permission. It seems when your trying not to orgasm they come much easier.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Ok I will expand a bit, and any woman can answer this if she wants (if you don't mind, Scarlett)...
> 
> When you kiss your man do you...
> 
> ...


All the lines I left are true for me at the moment. 

However, there are factors of course. Since our huge fight last month - when we do kiss I definitely feel we are both there, there is no hurry, I feel the response in my body immediately.

Of course it has not always been this way. I don't remember ever feeling "Ew" about kissing him - but in the past there has definitely been a detachment. The intimacy missing, of course. Doing a physically intimate thing with no emotional intimacy is a much different experience than when both are present. Of course that is not news to anyone here!

During the summer we hit this point as well, with the good high quality sex and intimacy. That seemed to last about 6 weeks before we returned to the baseline.

I'm not going to kid myself that things won't happen, life is constantly shifting, however - having had the good sex, then the boring sex, then the good sex again - I feel I will be much more prompt about confronting the issue. This last go round I said nothing as I didn't want him to feel criticized and silently fumed instead. Of course this accomplished nothing!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

MissScarlett said:


> Also - if you are a lady that has never had a random orgasm in 22 years of sexual activity - it's unlikely you are going to turn into Anastasia Steele overnight - as much as you might like to.


I think it is always important to remember that you will not change 22 years of pattern overnight. Just as you can't sit on the couch every day for your whole life, then get up one day and run a marathon.

I am happy for the improvement and hope that it continues to grow.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

:smthumbup:

You go girl!!

I am so happy for you! I'm dancing around in glee.

Both of our sex lives have improved, and I am so glad for the both of us!

Cheers to a brighter future!


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## secret10 (Feb 12, 2014)

I haven't been on here long enough to know the details prior, but that is just beautiful! It made me cry! I love happy posts. A little bit of progress is something, and moving in the right direction means more progress to come.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

So nice to read great news!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> :smthumbup:
> 
> You go girl!!
> 
> ...


I'm happy for both of us too! You are smart to get on it so young - I don't even know how I managed to snooze through 18 years. But oh well, onward and upward!


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

That's great MissScarlett, I am glad you are happy and that you and your love are working together for each other.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Very good news. Keep on truckin!


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

I really enjoyed reading of your progress!!!

Since I discovered this site a year or so ago and began posting a half year or so ago, I still read it some, but feel less inclined to post much. There are other interesting sites on the net, and I often find I need to do one kind of learning in my life, for a time, but then re-focus onto something else.

One of my very favorite postings on this site was your posting of 11-19-2013. The topic of what can change, what can not, and how slowly, or quickly, and with what difficulty is a very big topic, indeed!

Some of the assessments I made on the difficult, possible, or easy things to change when I was a child, or a young adult, are very consistent with my views now passing through middle age, and beyond. But of course others have changed drastically.

The "smart bet" in life is almost always to bet against change. But to give up on change is to give up on hope and embrace defeat. And this: For whatever faults Scarlett O'Hara had, giving up and accepting defeat was not one of them.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I think what you mention, best, has been the most surprising part of this journey.

My whole middle age mantra is moderation. I don't have to starve or binge, there is a middle ground. I don't have to choose between financial stinginess and financial irresponsibility. There is a middle path. I can be financially responsible AND go on vacation.

I was sexually unhappy and felt I could reach some turning point that would have me getting off multiple times, consistently, like other women I hear about on this site in real life.

It doesn't have to be either of those. There is a great middle ground - for me. I don't expect anyone else to have to agree with me. It's my life with the set of circumstances I have been dealt. 

(I've tried explaining this next part and keep deleting because it doesn't sound right and even a bit condescending.)

Let me preface by saying if I could get off every time I wouldn't be turning it down. I'm sure it is special and feels great consistently. That just isn't my reality. 

My reality is like this - my favorite thing to do is get dressed up and go to my favorite restaurant with H or with him and our friends. I look forward to it for weeks and think about what I will wear and what I will order.

I don't want to go there every week because then it will just be normal. We don't even go once a month because I just want it to be the way it is to me. I want to be able to plan and look forward to it as much as I do.

I'm finding myself in the same situation with partner orgasms. The nights I want to there are plans that often start with a date, live music and alcohol. Its a weekend so I can fall asleep after knowing I can lounge in bed the next morning. There's a plan set forth by me how I would like it to happen.

Right now - I really like it that way. I don't want it that way all the time. Other times we have sex and I still like it. There are blow jobs and nooners and this and that. It's all good too. I also masturbate. I'm not talking about these special nights being the only sexual outlet. However, I want them to be the way they are and not become common. 

Once again - if I could get off easily and regularly I wouldn't be turning it down. Those board members who can and do - I'm in no way saying that is lesser than or not special or common. I'm simply making the best of the cards I chose and the cards I was dealt.

Much like the other middle roads I have found in my middle age there is this too. I dont have to never get off and I don't have to get off all the time either.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

I've followed that exact same frequency vs. value line of thinking myself, and yes in both sexual and other contexts. I think what would be at stake isn't moderate differences in frequency vs. value, but the "soul crushing" (to use a common TAM term) feeling that your spouse has failed you, and deliberately so.

It's interesting your expressing concern for seeming "condescending." I've come to feel that being overly concerned with how I'm perceived is a weakness of character. Sure I'd feel bad if I gave someone here what turned out to be bad advice for himself of his marriage. And it's generally admirable to be polite. But beyond that, I'm trying not to feel too concerned about what others think of me.

For example, years ago I was driving somewhere with my wife. When I changed lanes, I apparently cut off a car, but I don't think I really did anything terribly unsafe. The other driver went on honking, gesturing, screaming, swerving around for some time. Let's say I drove much closer to him than I realized, even so, when I got away from him I remember thinking, "Did he somehow confuse my momentarily inconvenienced him with having raped his daughter?" The take away, is that beyond acting to ensure our safety, I shouldn't have been concerned with his belligerence, then, let alone years later.

Now if someone points out I'm doing something chronically stupid, I need to try to act on such important information, even if it's delivered abrasively. There remain areas where I imagine I don't even realize I have a lot to learn. But mustn't get bent out of shape because someone feels condescension where nothing blatantly condescending was written. (And no, I refuse to feel bad, if anyone now thinks I've started to go off-topic with this posting.) Back on point, sounds like your life and marriage is progressing wonderfully, Miss Scarlett!


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