# Having trouble reattaching emotionally to wife after deliberate detachment



## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Oops 

My wife was LD for a quite a while.

I grew tired of trying to fix it and deliberately researched and implemented how to detach emotionally and started preparations to leave her since I was sure she wouldn't fix our issue. I was wrong. 

When I announced that I did not love her any more and wanted a divorce she decided to fix the sex. 

The problem now is I am not reattaching like I thought I would. 

It is either things are not as good as I need them to be or it just doesn't come back.

Bottom line is I am not sure I would be upset if we didn't make it any more because I was mentally, emotionally, financially and legally prepared to bolt. 

Anybody else been here and rebuilt it? I am not sure I even want to. Maybe it's resentment or maybe I am still not getting enough.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Since no one has responded with a success story (which may be an answer in and of itself) let me pose you a question. How long has this problem been "fixed"? If it hasn't been that long maybe you should give it a bit more time to see how genuine the change is. You may only be getting it as a result of obligated compliance. If the frequency/quality dies off in a few weeks or months you may have all the information you need to make an informed decision.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Remind us:
- How long have you been together total?
- How long married?
- How many kids?
- How long was your sex life bad?
- How 'bad' was it in terms of frequency and her engagement level?
- How many talks did you have about it being a big issue before you detached?
- How 'good' is it now in terms of frequency and her engagement level when you do connect?
- Ideally what do you want it to be? What's the gap between what you want and what your sex life is?





QUOTE=thread the needle;13279842]Oops 

My wife was LD for a quite a while.

I grew tired of trying to fix it and deliberately researched and implemented how to detach emotionally and started preparations to leave her since I was sure she wouldn't fix our issue. I was wrong. 

When I announced that I did not love her any more and wanted a divorce she decided to fix the sex. 

The problem now is I am not reattaching like I thought I would. 

It is either things are not as good as I need them to be or it just doesn't come back.

Bottom line is I am not sure I would be upset if we didn't make it any more because I was mentally, emotionally, financially and legally prepared to bolt. 

Anybody else been here and rebuilt it? I am not sure I even want to. Maybe it's resentment or maybe I am still not getting enough.[/QUOTE]


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

thread the needle said:


> Oops
> 
> My wife was LD for a quite a while.
> 
> ...


I think that the problem is as follows:

You have to be willing to risk the marriage in order to have a chance of fixing it.

Understandably, people aren't willing to risk the marriage if doing so would hurt.

So, you wait to risk the marriage until you no longer care.

If the fix works; it doesn't matter anymore because you no longer care.

Moral: You may have to be willing to risk the marriage even if you still care.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

thread the needle said:


> Oops
> 
> Can you give us more detaild. How long married etc. I just went through ir am going through similar LD in tge marriage.
> 
> ...


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

It has been my experience in life that, once you successfully detach, it is virtually impossible to re-attach.

The reason is quite simple. Even if you do successfully resolve whatever issues led you to detach, the memory of the issues are always there in the background. Even if the resentment associated with them is gone, their presence will always be there.

This is why getting back with exes rarely, if ever, works, and is universally a Bad Idea(tm).

My advice is to end it now and move on, because it will never be what you want it to be. You will never be 100% emotionally available in the relationship, which she will likely at some point come to realize, which will then create other wedge issues for you, and your relationship will end eventually. Better to end it now and find someone else, rather than waste all that time on something doomed to failure.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

This is why I always think the common 180 advice is just an inevitable step to divorce. I know for me, if I went through the grieving process of letting the relationship go and closing myself off from my partner, that's a final decision and there's no coming back from it. I don't see how you can get over the mountain of resentment that lead you there in the first place in order to try again. Be honest with her that you aren't sure you can continue and her efforts may be too little too late.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I was in your situation at one point in my marriage. I had given up, detached but ultimately my wife turned around and things got better. But I had a hard time getting in gear, maybe because I had already resigned myself to the idea of divorcing, maybe because I had been at this point before and my wife never followed through.

My counselor told me to "fake it until you make it"... put in the effort to LOOK like you're reattaching. If you do that and ultimately can't reattach, bail. But it may surprise you that you WILL be able to get back in the game.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Update: 

My wife has become downright sappy warm loving and affectionate and started letting me know she wanted more of me. We made an agreement this winter that it was vital that we not leave or arrive each others presence without a kiss goodbye and hello. That started the ice melting and generated oodles of good will. 

She never misses which is a good sign. I miss on occasion probably as an unconscious passive aggressive **** test. She would express her disappointment on occasion from winter to early summer. 

In the past few weeks she has gotten more vocal about it and much more loving, initiating and cuddling for the first time in years. These newer improvements are stunning, welcome and exciting. 

I am not sure what to make of it but I am running with it and enjoying the warm wife I married at the moment. 

I will see how it goes and if it continues trying to up my investments in her as well. 

Her new warmth and interest has me reattaching. Since I know I can handle whatever comes now, I am ready for anything. 

Not being codependent any more, I am fearless with it and will enjoy the ride.




MEM11363 said:


> Remind us:
> - How long have you been together total?
> - How long married?
> - How many kids?
> ...


16 years. 1 child. Bad on and off for five years. 100 talks before detaching. It's better than good but still not great. I am pretty satisfied but want the brass ring. I want the a brand new endorphin ****tail and maybe the first to reengineer biochemistry for my own masterful comeback to marital bliss and new love. LOL



Buddy400 said:


> I think that the problem is as follows:
> 
> You have to be willing to risk the marriage in order to have a chance of fixing it.
> 
> ...


Agree. I was willing to risk my marriage and did so before it was too late because I read about the perspective you are presenting. It had to be done so I detached knowing there was a good shot at rebuilding because the motive for my wife might be generated announcing my willingness to move on away from the deal killer we had at the time. 



Constable Odo said:


> It has been my experience in life that, once you successfully detach, it is virtually impossible to re-attach.
> 
> The reason is quite simple. Even if you do successfully resolve whatever issues led you to detach, the memory of the issues are always there in the background. Even if the resentment associated with them is gone, their presence will always be there.
> 
> ...


I respectfully disagree. 100% is not a requirement nor achievable any way. I am not the definition of perfect. I am impressed with the obvious effect her recent warmth has on me. I am encouraged. She is still my best option so I don't see it as a waste enjoying the learning and the experience along the way. I like to crack the code for myself and others instead of throw in the towel on what has tremendous and I believe the most upside potential



kag123 said:


> This is why I always think the common 180 advice is just an inevitable step to divorce. I know for me, if I went through the grieving process of letting the relationship go and closing myself off from my partner, that's a final decision and there's no coming back from it. I don't see how you can get over the mountain of resentment that lead you there in the first place in order to try again. Be honest with her that you aren't sure you can continue and her efforts may be too little too late.


I disagree. It's taking root. As for being final, it isn't. I train my staff on problem solving, progress and creativity to be 

1. gather current facts
2. call a play that you believe is the best choice for those facts
3. implement that best choice under current facts
4. return to number 1 leaving outdated facts behind

This is what a football team does at the end of every play, I use that analogy very frequently. 

There is a new set of facts at the end of every play that changes the plan along the way depending on the outcome. 

I practice what I preach.

In the case of my marriage, I finally was able to motivate my wife to get back on the work that is making a marriage great again. 

That good will is allowing my own ice to melt. That heat is melting hers as well. 

We now have momentum.



Chris Taylor said:


> I was in your situation at one point in my marriage. I had given up, detached but ultimately my wife turned around and things got better. But I had a hard time getting in gear, maybe because I had already resigned myself to the idea of divorcing, maybe because I had been at this point before and my wife never followed through.
> 
> My counselor told me to "fake it until you make it"... put in the effort to LOOK like you're reattaching. If you do that and ultimately can't reattach, bail. But it may surprise you that you WILL be able to get back in the game.


It's working. Thanks CT


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Thread,

You seem very volatile regarding your marriage. Half the time I get the sense you are VERY frustrated with your wife. That post on why folks would ever marry. If your wife ever reads that she'll be crushed. Happily married guys don't write stuff like that. 

One gentle comment:
- You can focus on appearances 
Or
- You can focus on results 

Most folks aren't capable of both. 

You remind me of one of my favorite quotes from the movie: White men can't jump.

Snipes is mocking Harrelson's Clothing style. And his response is: Your problem is you'd rather look good and lose, than look bad and win. 




thread the needle said:


> Update:
> 
> My wife has become downright sappy warm loving and affectionate and started letting me know she wanted more of me. We made an agreement this winter that it was vital that we not leave or arrive each others presence without a kiss goodbye and hello. That started the ice melting and generated oodles of good will.
> 
> ...


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

MEM11363 said:


> You seem very volatile regarding your marriage. Half the time I get the sense you are VERY frustrated with your wife


Right but its not half the time its half the time I come back here to discuss a development in our rebuild, looking for some feedback and clarity. I don't think that's unusual here. Perhaps others see that differently. I don't spend near as much time here as some offering daily updates. I am glad some do since they are often the source of the best insights. 



MEM11363 said:


> That post on why folks would ever marry. If your wife ever reads that she'll be crushed. Happily married guys don't write stuff like that.


That post started out saying "in the spirit of the unexamined life is not worth living" Happily married guys don't examine their motives and other motives of others that feel the same thing when they do not understand it? 

Disagree entirely. Introspection is not exclusive to sad or frustrating circumstances even if those emotions are a more frequent prompt for someone to begin an introspective examination of their motives and the other sources of string feelings and urges. C'mon MEM, you know that.




MEM11363 said:


> One gentle comment:
> - You can focus on appearances
> Or
> - You can focus on results
> ...


I do not understand what you are talking about regarding appearances MEM but I do always appreciate your effort and investment in my situation. In the case of your post above, I don't follow it at all.

Going thru five years of confusing outcomes was VERY frustrating yes. Learning thru years of reading, discussion, experimentation, sorting through dismissing things that work for many but not me, increasing things that work for me but few others makes one ask what the burning desire was to get married and why we hold on. 

My recollection of sincerely asking TAM if anyone has deeply examined the motives behind why we want to be married is not saying that I don't want to be married to my wife but that is a question that I certainly would need an answer to before I elected to do it again if we didn't make it. 

I don't consider if my wife would be hurt reading my posts on an anonymous forum. The anonymity provides freedom from that. I believe the same could be said for every post on the forum. 

When I agree, I agree and say why. When I disagree I disagree and say why. Is there something about that you believe is inaccurate play acting about my situation? If so, I am offended a bit by that and it's inaccurate even if my situation is or appears volatile at times. 

To be very clear. in case I was not before, my wife starting a "sappy" era a few weeks ago, soon after I started this thread. Sappy, loving, cuddly behavior has been absent for many years once she shut down so I was startled by it and missed the first few opportunities to run with it. I was suspicious, confused by it and shocked into dopey inaction. Now that I have grown more comfortable with it and it doesn't shock me, I have adjusted and it's a very nice enjoyable development. 

My wife wanting to cuddle is a monumental event, a huge improvement and stepping far toward where I want to be. Being sappy like an adolescent is also monumental because it is brand new and a huge positive step aligned perfectly with my wants for our future. 

Even though we have fixed and have been "usually" having sex at the frequency and with emotions I wanted to get back to like it was new again, the outside the bedroom stuff was still lacking. That was keeping me from melting my ice to reattach. Much to my surprise, that is now improving rapidly and I want to keep it going.

Perhaps it seems volatile and frustrating because I am going thru the ups and downs RIGHT NOW and things are developing mostly in the right direction RIGHT NOW along with some confusing and therefore sometimes frustrating developments RIGHT NOW. 

If my marriage was a rebuilding or renovation project after a house fire, the mess is cleaned up, I have rebuilt a damaged foundation and the frame is built but we have yet to finish the decorating, the curtains are not hung, the floors are bare and the trim needs to be installed. 

With the "puzzles" I have solved and the ground we have made up, I am not going to throw in the towel because some suggest I should and others say is unlikely or impossible, unless we start heading in the wrong direction for a long period of time and the deterioration occurs beyond a point where I think I might be able to fix it. It seems to me it is a skill set. If I don't have it, I will go get it. Others have it, so it's available. 

I disagree that my goals can not be achieved even if many have failed. I carefully consider EVERY opinion offered and some have had a mighty impact when I put their unbelievably helpful insights to use. Other advice is terrible. I sort thru all of them. I run with what makes sense to me. I examine all that I don't buy into to to see if I am throwing something out that could have merit. I never fail to appreciate all attempts to help. I am forever indebted to TAM for ALL of the attempts to help me save the love of my life. 

We don't always agree but I usually benefit from your feedback. In the case of your most recent post, I don't know what you are talking about.

Since you mentioned another post of mine, I reread my post that I believe you are referring to about "deeply examining why someone wants to be married" I disagree entirely with your conclusion my wife would be crushed if she read it. Hell she and I have had conversations about it in the spirit of understanding why she and I and other friends and other stories we hear about stick it out when things are very very bleak. Most of that post is gushing positives about her and us and being married but still asking the intellectual question what is that deeply felt motivation to be and stay married when things are horrifying. 

I am usually rather amazed at your clarity and respectful utter lack of cynicism. In your most recent post it appears as if you weren't yourself.

Here is the link for those interested or curious http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-deeply-examined-urge-motivation-married.html


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Thread,

Maybe that comment was out of line. The main basis for it came from the emphasis you seem to place on how: other people perceive you as a couple

Let me contrast two high impact comments you made in separate posts: 

1. When something good happens to her, I am very happy for her and my reactions and comments I would think make that very clear to her. I am her biggest fan. When something good happens to me, she might as well yawn in my face so I don't bother telling her. 

She had a dream of wanting this house that I was able to purchase, I have set records at work three years in a row, we have no worries financially. I figured she would be super excited about the house and what I had accomplished for us and she would want to romp with me to celebrate. It didn't happen. I was very surprised. 

2. Is this whole bit about how other people perceive you two as a couple. 

So the basic theme is that: in public your wife treats you WAY better than she does in private. 

---------
And then there is this subtext of sexual frustration that runs through many of your threads. 

So I ask you a direct question about it, which you totally ignored other than to say 'that's not the issue'. 

So yes - the heavy emphasis on what other folks think of you as a couple and your complete avoidance of answering a very simple question on a topic you seem conflicted about - makes me think you are overly worried about how 'a situation makes you look'. 

And I want to be fair - we ALL care about what other folks think of us. This is about how we value that perception in the context of real world issues. 

Example: Your wife goes out of her way to treat you well in public.

And yet you describe her as totally indifferent to your successes. This typically would lead to a direct conversation: Wife, why do you treat me better in public than you do in private? 












thread the needle said:


> Right but its not half the time its half the time I come back here to discuss a development in our rebuild, looking for some feedback and clarity. I don't think that's unusual here. Perhaps others see that differently. I don't spend near as much time here as some offering daily updates. I am glad some do since they are often the source of the best insights.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Thread,

Regardless of my other comments don't lose sight of this: 

I think you are a good guy who is committed to his family. 

Anything else I say is within that context and intended to help you get to the outcome you want. 






thread the needle said:


> Right but its not half the time its half the time I come back here to discuss a development in our rebuild, looking for some feedback and clarity. I don't think that's unusual here. Perhaps others see that differently. I don't spend near as much time here as some offering daily updates. I am glad some do since they are often the source of the best insights.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

I am not trying to be dense. I just don't comprehend this point which has not been an issue with your posts before. I am sorry as it is obvious the effort you have invested in my situation. 



MEM11363 said:


> The main basis for it came from the emphasis you seem to place on how: other people perceive you as a couple.


My wife and I are always cordial in public in honor our manners and consideration for others. We don't air our laundry in the presence of others since we think it's rude to have them feeling TMI or bad vibes. I don't think that's a preoccupation. It's just manners not to drag others into our stress. 

On TAM I am a wide open book so I am just not wrapping my head around the vibe you are picking up that I am concerned with how we are perceived. 

I hope here we are perceived as a couple successfully attempting a remarkable comeback from the brink of heartache and lost love caused by my neglect creating mismatched sex drives and both of our missing knowledge and skill sets to fix what was broken. 

The reason that I hope that is how we are perceived is because that is exactly what I believe we are. There is no point in wasting anyone's time including yours or mine by pretending to be something else. I am looking for the fastest, most direct path to my goals for both our sakes. 



MEM11363 said:


> Let me contrast two high impact comments you made in separate posts:
> 
> 1. When something good happens to her, I am very happy for her and my reactions and comments I would think make that very clear to her. I am her biggest fan. When something good happens to me, she might as well yawn in my face so I don't bother telling her.
> 
> ...


Your point is still going over my head. 

First quote is about my genuine interest and enthusiasm for good things that come to her versus her not being interested in my success. Maybe it's being in my shadow that I am not sensitive to. I don't know. I will examine that further. I'm not throwing confetti in public. I express my happiness for her good fortune privately and take my daughter and her out to celebrate quietly at a nice dinner and get us a bottle of champagne. 

The second quote is about celebration sex that I always feel and she never does. I was inquiring TAM how common that was. Again there was no confetti in public. It's a genuine interest whether others are prompted by positive events into wanting a romp. I am. She is not. Ye that is frustrating but as the ladies of TAM shared neither is any more odd than the other since the members of TAM at least don't feel celebratory urges to have sex either. 

I'm not seeing your point even though I truly appreciate your attempting to reach me with your insights.

---------



MEM11363 said:


> And then there is this subtext of sexual frustration that runs through many of your threads.


Yes that was where we started and what necessitated the rebuild/reattraction/reignition efforts I have discussed at length including successes and frustrations. It is largely over now even if there is still a fair bit of that leftover cleanup to do on some outlying related issues. We clearly still have some ice to melt. I have more at this point, especially with these most recent developments, which is the point of the thread trying to reattach instead of being in a NO CODEPENDENCE NO MATTER WHAT stance. 



MEM11363 said:


> So I ask you a direct question about it, which you totally ignored other than to say 'that's not the issue'.


I didn't mean to ignore your question. What was the question I missed? 



MEM11363 said:


> So yes - the heavy emphasis on what other folks think of you as a couple and your complete avoidance of answering a very simple question on a topic you seem conflicted about - makes me think you are overly worried about how 'a situation makes you look'.


LOL I don't see where I indicate a concern about how others perceive me. I am not in the "I don't give a rats a$$" crowd since I think that is unnecessarily over emphasized by too many people that really do care but I believe my concern about what others think is waaaay below average if it's there at all. None of my efforts will be spent invested in what other people think beyond a manners component which is the only part of my values that even consider that.



MEM11363 said:


> And I want to be fair - we ALL care about what other folks think of us. This is about how we value that perception in the context of real world issues.
> 
> Example: Your wife goes out of her way to treat you well in public.
> 
> And yet you describe her as totally indifferent to your successes. This typically would lead to a direct conversation: Wife, why do you treat me better in public than you do in private?


I think my wife is uninterested in discussing my success because either because she grew tired of my overindulgence in work or because it is disappointing that my success overshadows hers in HER EYES and she finds that saddening. I could be effing it but I have tried to be sensitive about it without vibing out a lack of equity by comparison. 



MEM11363 said:


> Thread,
> 
> Regardless of my other comments don't lose sight of this:
> 
> ...


I never have doubted that and I thank you. I have benefitted greatly from many other strong helpful very detailed points you have made to myself and others. I am just spacing this one completely.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

thread the needle said:


> I am not trying to be dense. I just don't comprehend this point which has not been an issue with your posts before. I am sorry as it is obvious the effort you have invested in my situation.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Mem, I present to you a man who is waking the fvck up!

Thread, I think you will be fine. And just so you know, there ARE others who have been able to reconnect/reattach after purposefully detaching from their spouses. 

If you keep in mind that your feelings are subject to change, it's not too hard to see it as a possibility. Your actions changed, and those changes influenced your wifes actions. When her actions changed, they began to influence your feelings. That's just how life works. Kudos to you. I was emotionally pulverized before I figured that out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

thread the needle said:


> Update:
> 
> Quote:
> Originally Posted by Constable Odo View Post
> ...



CT:

I STRONGLY DISAGREE, that a person cannot reunite with their ex. It's been done many times, successfully, and ofter better after they have learned. I'm an example.

You have a good philosophy, and good planning and execution. Keep up the great work!


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