# Wife has asked me to sign house over to her



## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

Hi all. I have a thread running on my situation but have started a new topic regarding issues with my our house. My wife wants to seperate due to my addictive and neglectful behaviour and hopes I get the help I need and make long lasting changes. I am hoping that we can reconcile in the future. We have young children and have always been a close unit despite the marital issues. We separated before and the house was left in both names and she covered the mortgage whilst apart. This time she wants it to feel like she has complete independance and wants to buy me out with the amount I paid in which will not include any equity gained. She says that she is not wanting to ever sell and this is the kids inheritance so the equity would go to them eventually. She said that if I were to stay on the mortgage, I would struggle to pay child maintenance, rent and the mortgage and she wants me to have the freedom to live my life!? 
I do not care about what a lawyer would say here really, it's the moral dilemma which is confusing. I have not moved out yet as we have no money this month. I want to change and reconcile at some point. There is nobody else involved and she doesn't want another man in her life. She is being 'nice' about everything and we shared take out and watched a movie last night. All seems calm, except for my gut churning and wanting to break down every day, should I trust her? Do you think I should give it all up and move on for now? I worry that she may just be sweet talking me to get me out of her life and the shutting me out for good! I want to believe in a future for us all but am sceptical. What do you all think?


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

No!
You get an attorney like yesterday.

Sounds like she is playing your emotions to get the best deal she can in a property division.

What difference does it make if she buys you out with cash for equity, the kids can still inherit the house, none of that even makes sense.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Andy101 said:


> This time she wants it to feel like she has complete independance and wants to buy me out with the amount I paid in which will not include any equity gained. She says that she is not wanting to ever sell and this is the kids inheritance so the equity would go to them eventually.


How much equity would you be giving up? 


Andy101 said:


> She said that if I were to stay on the mortgage, I would struggle to pay child maintenance, rent and the mortgage and she wants me to have the freedom to live my life!?


Let’s say you don’t sign the house over to her and she lives in it. Then she pays the entire mortgage. She’s renting your half from you. Why does she think that you would pay any of the monthly paying if she’s living in the home even if you stay on the mortgage? Makes no sense.

The best way to do this is for her to refinance the home in her name and give you your equity.

What bothers me about this whole scheme of hers is that it’s all about her.

You are also a parent to your children. You need to have as much resources to your disposal so that you too can provide a place for your children. They will be with you about half of the time, right?

You need to see an attorney.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

I think she would have to owe me the equity if she could not affort it right now. The house still needs to be valued and any remortgaging may make the repayments too high for her anyway. I don't want to hand over the house as to me it would be an informal divorce as I would have no more claim to the marriage. If she couldn't afford the new mortgage arrangement, then where the kids live would be my problem too.
It's only been a week since all this happened and I feel rushed into everything. She wants me out asap but at what cost? I will contact a lawyer tomorrow but don't want to have my hope of reconciliation used against me just to get me out of her life. Should I try and get her to agree a time frame for us to discuss our marriage andcwhere we are going? I feel I could end up in limbo for a long time otherwise.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You seem to gloss over the neglectful and addictive behaviour you have subjected her to in the marriage. You are lucky that your wife is being 'nice' to you and not dragging you over the coals as I would assume you would not fair well in a court. Just saying.

Further, instead of being wrapped up in thinking about reconciliation, why don't you be a man and so something about your addictions and instead of talking about it (I guess that is all you have ever done with your long suffering wife) take action and prove that you can be the husband and father you should have been all along. 

Is noone else seeing the bigger picture here?


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

Andy101 said:


> I think she would have to owe me the equity if she could not affort it right now. The house still needs to be valued and any remortgaging may make the repayments too high for her anyway. I don't want to hand over the house as to me it would be an informal divorce as I would have no more claim to the marriage. If she couldn't afford the new mortgage arrangement, then where the kids live would be my problem too.
> It's only been a week since all this happened and I feel rushed into everything. She wants me out asap but at what cost? I will contact a lawyer tomorrow but don't want to have my hope of reconciliation used against me just to get me out of her life. Should I try and get her to agree a time frame for us to discuss our marriage andcwhere we are going? I feel I could end up in limbo for a long time otherwise.


If your goal is to get her back, they you need to change so she sees you as a new person (or the person that she fell in love with). If your addiction and neglectful behavior is the cause of your problems, fixing that should be the first goal.

She probably wants the house for security for herself and the kids, and that is not unreasonable, but still needs to treat you fair. You also need to treat her and your kids fair, too. And it sure sounds like you had the issues that's causing the marriage to fail. (but I'll reserve judgment because I don't know the whole story).

You can give her remained interest, with your kids the remainder man position (ends up with the property upon her passing). However, you would need some legal advise on this because there's a few gotchas. You want to be sure the intent is followed, probably with an intermediator as the remainder man, with an agreement in place, to be sure some ex's ex of the kids doesn't end up with it. But, that could be a good solution. You could also deed her your half and take back a mortgage payable later under certain conditions. Have the option of reversing that, should you two salvage the marriage, and hope you do. 

The worst thing to do is end up in a legal battle and the only one that wins is the lawyers.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

aine said:


> You seem to gloss over the neglectful and addictive behaviour you have subjected her to in the marriage. You are lucky that your wife is being 'nice' to you and not dragging you over the coals as I would assume you would not fair well in a court. Just saying.
> 
> Further, instead of being wrapped up in thinking about reconciliation, why don't you be a man and so something about your addictions and instead of talking about it (I guess that is all you have ever done with your long suffering wife) take action and prove that you can be the husband and father you should have been all along.
> 
> Is noone else seeing the bigger picture here?


Said behavior entitles her to a divorce. It does not entitle her to extra equity or money. 

She is using his guilt against him. It sounds incredibly manipulative. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Here's a thought...as long as you are married, it's marital property. If she wants property to herself, she files for divorce, the house gets sold, she takes her half of the equity and buys the home of her dreams. How you pay for rent and "child maintenance" won't be her problem. The world is full of single women who have queen or king sized beds. Finding a place to flop won't be a problem. She has no idea how difficult that might be anyway because a judge will decide who gets the kids and who pays child support and how much.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

It seems like you are going to be booted from the house, nothing seems fair about giving over everything you have ever worked for in the hopes that she will share it at a later time.

It might be better for you to not act on a personal level, this is a business decision. Try to hold yourself together, don't be emotionally reactive around your wife and kids and make this your time to focus on personal growth.

I truly believe you will feel a lot better about your future decisions if you start now by make wise rather than foolish ones.

If standing up for yourself and demanding that you are treated fairly ruins your chances of reconciliation, I think your better off not salvaging this marriage.

She won't respect you if you can't respect yourself, and you can't respect her if you don't respect yourself.

Respect yourself
Quit wearing your heart on your sleeve
Talk to a lawyer
Find some men to confide in, don't confide in your wife, she doesn't care how you feel, nor should she. If you don't know any men, keep posting here, there are a lot of men here that have helped me through what was probably the lowest point of my life. That was exactly one year ago, and I know this isn't my high point but it sure feels like it now.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Neglectful and addictive, huh?
I imagine from your W's point of view she's looking for some security. She needs to know that if your addictions get out of control, again. her children won't lose their home. Are you actively working in recovery? Talk to your sponsor. I don't see this as her attempt at ripping you off. I see this as her needing some protection from you. So do you want her to trust you or are you done with the marriage?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

aine said:


> You seem to gloss over the neglectful and addictive behaviour you have subjected her to in the marriage. You are lucky that your wife is being 'nice' to you and not dragging you over the coals as I would assume you would not fair well in a court. Just saying.
> 
> Further, instead of being wrapped up in thinking about reconciliation, why don't you be a man and so something about your addictions and instead of talking about it (I guess that is all you have ever done with your long suffering wife) take action and prove that you can be the husband and father you should have been all along.
> 
> Is noone else seeing the bigger picture here?


I feel the same way. Get the help that you need and not WAIT on becoming a better man. Do it now! 

Frankly, as your wife, I'd be attempting to gather the assets if my husband has addiction problems.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Never sign over anything like this without legal council. You could end up living under a bridge or homeless shelter somewhere. 

When it comes to financial decisions you can never trust anyone. I've seen this way to many times.

These types of decisions need to be made with your head not your heart.

Be very careful here!


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

Some good advise, but be careful.

Just read your previous thread so I've changed my response here a bit....

Try HARD to keep the lawyers out of this. Only consult them for information, not to fight with the other. And if you can, discuss with your wife about having a mediator to help you with legal stuff, who will not take sides.... MUCH cheaper and better. If it comes down to a legal battle, the only one than wins are the lawyers. 

If you are both intelligent people you should be able to make your own financial decisions and come to your own agreement should you split up. Use the mediator for advise.

However, I can help but thinking there's more to this story. The porn addiction is a small item. You can easily change that, and you couldn't go far wrong doing that now. 

Try to convince her to go with you for marriage counseling. Your problems (that you have posted) are nickel/dime things that can easily be solved.... there are others that are MUCH worse off and make it. 

Now, she "may" have another man in mind, and if she does, it will be a bit more difficult to fight, but you still can. 

Your first goal is to clean up your act, improve your image (be polite, firm, fair and don't argue, especially in front of your kids). You need to set an example to hope to get her to start to come around a bit. You want to change her attitude from "she want you out" to "lets try to make this work". 

If all else fails, you can still easily figure out how to give her the house without selling it and causing more damage and upheaval. You can take your equity later. Lots of ways. But you'll want some good legal help on that.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> This time she wants it to feel like she has complete independance and wants to buy me out with the amount I paid in which will not include any equity gained. She says that she is not wanting to ever sell and this is the kids inheritance so the equity would go to them eventually. She said that if I were to stay on the mortgage, I would struggle to pay child maintenance, rent and the mortgage and she wants me to have the freedom to live my life!?


You buying her out will not protect you from paying child support. Child support is the right of the child and is a totally separate issue from asset equalization. And its often paid out retroactively so there's zero to protect you from paying it.

She can certainly take the house in lieu of alimony but you'll need a signed legal document and each of you need ILA, independent legal advice to make it ironclad. 

So get a lawyer. Since you guys are getting along, I'd get someone who specializes in mediated agreements to make it cheaper and faster.

The reason for your marital breakdown has nothing to do with the fair splitting of assets. Don't get screwed because you feel guilty.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Andy101 said:


> Hi all. I have a thread running on my situation but have started a new topic regarding issues with my our house. My wife wants to seperate due to my addictive and neglectful behaviour and hopes I get the help I need and make long lasting changes. I am hoping that we can reconcile in the future. We have young children and have always been a close unit despite the marital issues. We separated before and the house was left in both names and she covered the mortgage whilst apart. This time she wants it to feel like she has complete independance and wants to buy me out with the amount I paid in which will not include any equity gained. She says that she is not wanting to ever sell and this is the kids inheritance so the equity would go to them eventually. She said that if I were to stay on the mortgage, I would struggle to pay child maintenance, rent and the mortgage and she wants me to have the freedom to live my life!?
> I do not care about what a lawyer would say here really, it's the moral dilemma which is confusing. I have not moved out yet as we have no money this month. I want to change and reconcile at some point. There is nobody else involved and she doesn't want another man in her life. She is being 'nice' about everything and we shared take out and watched a movie last night. All seems calm, except for my gut churning and wanting to break down every day, should I trust her? Do you think I should give it all up and move on for now? I worry that she may just be sweet talking me to get me out of her life and the shutting me out for good! I want to believe in a future for us all but am sceptical. What do you all think?


Offer her the same deal, see if she thinks it's fair then. Just remember if she gets the house she can always sell it later when her and her new husband buy one together. Essentially you'd be giving some other man what you worked for. You may need to use your kids inheritance for your own needs as a senior, please don't take less than a fair share. it's not going to buy her love back .

Ps, if she thinks porn is a big deal, ask her if she considers looking at other scantily clad women as offensive. I'm sure she will. Then tell her you agree, that you found it offensive when she sent pictures like that to other men.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Andy101 said:


> Hi all. I have a thread running on my situation but have started a new topic regarding issues with my our house. My wife wants to seperate due to my addictive and neglectful behaviour and hopes I get the help I need and make long lasting changes. I am hoping that we can reconcile in the future. We have young children and have always been a close unit despite the marital issues. We separated before and the house was left in both names and she covered the mortgage whilst apart. This time she wants it to feel like she has complete independance and wants to buy me out with the amount I paid in which will not include any equity gained. She says that she is not wanting to ever sell and this is the kids inheritance so the equity would go to them eventually. She said that if I were to stay on the mortgage, I would struggle to pay child maintenance, rent and the mortgage and she wants me to have the freedom to live my life!?
> I do not care about what a lawyer would say here really, it's the moral dilemma which is confusing. I have not moved out yet as we have no money this month. I want to change and reconcile at some point. There is nobody else involved and she doesn't want another man in her life. She is being 'nice' about everything and we shared take out and watched a movie last night. All seems calm, except for my gut churning and wanting to break down every day, should I trust her? Do you think I should give it all up and move on for now? I worry that she may just be sweet talking me to get me out of her life and the shutting me out for good! I want to believe in a future for us all but am sceptical. What do you all think?


Offer her the same deal, see if she thinks it's fair then. Just remember if she gets the house she can always sell it later when her and her new husband buy one together. Essentially you'd be giving some other man what you worked for. You may need to use your kids inheritance for your own needs as a senior, please don't take less than a fair share. it's not going to buy her love back .

Ps, if she thinks porn is a big deal, ask her if she considers looking at other scantily clad women as offensive. I'm sure she will. Then tell her you agree, that you found it offensive when she sent pictures like that to other men.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, get a lawyer. That's just something you gotta do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

always_hopefull said:


> Offer her the same deal, see if she thinks it's fair then. Just remember if she gets the house she can always sell it later when her and her new husband buy one together. Essentially you'd be giving some other man what you worked for. You may need to use your kids inheritance for your own needs as a senior, please don't take less than a fair share. it's not going to buy her love back .
> 
> Ps, if she thinks porn is a big deal, ask her if she considers looking at other scantily clad women as offensive. I'm sure she will. Then tell her you agree, that you found it offensive when she sent pictures like that to other men.


Thats a very good point. My best friend did his divorce similar. He laid out all the assets in two piles and told her to choose, and then they modified it a bit to make it work. Split up about $2M worth of assets and the divorce cost $1000. They were intelligent and faced it responsibly, and saved thousands, and a ton of time. 

Another good friend decided to fight, took two years of misery, cost $200K in attorneys fees and no one won. 

You can also modify whatever agreement to include alimony (if appropriate) and child support. Of course, in all cases a judge has to sign it. But with a good mediator, it's easy.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

What is your addiction? Gambling? If it is, I could see why she wants to save the house for the kids.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> What is your addiction? Gambling? If it is, I could see why she wants to save the house for the kids.


From his other post, watches porn. I'm not sure from the thread if it's actually an addiction.

Andy.. could you please clarify what your addiction is?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I've been in finance for over 30 years. You don't ever sign your assets over to anyone. Period.

No matter what the circumstances are.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Whatever you do make sure she gets that house in her name only, if you sign the quitclaim deed. I can tell you from experience. I signed the quitclaim deed and my ex H could not get a loan in his name only so next thing that happened the house got foreclosed on and it ruined my credit, because the first mortgage was still in my name. It is off my record now, but i can tell you it is hell living through it. 

I did not keep the house even though I could afford it, because he was very abusive and i just wanted out.


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## frogg (Jan 2, 2016)

Shes going to end up with it anyways. And if she doesn't when she finds a new partner jer and the kids will end up living with him. They will live in his world completely forgetting you were around. If you want anu sort of your memory to be inside them i suggest you let them stsy in the house. Im selling mine via the kids request. They want all traces of my husband out of our lives. It kills me to think the kids hate him so much but i guess after years of seeing the neglect and bold point blank disregard for theor mother its understandable. I lobe and miss my husband every day but he was a poison my family is free of now. According to them. Who cares how crushed i am.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

My addiction to porn is based on the fact that I have looked at it nearly every day for about 10 years. It had affected intimacy with my wife, wasting time and making me feel inadequate and have a low self esteem. My wife has witnessed my behaviour and even documented it in letters to my mother asking for help. I now finally get it and admit to the problem. I just hope it's not too late to save the marriage. I really want ti be a better man but aside from counselling I don't know where to start. Are there any books I should read or people I should speak to? My wife cannot help me with this one and I will look at getting a legal perspective on the house.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Wait, are you the one who started with porn on or right after the honeymoon and denied your wife in favor of it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Andy101 said:


> My addiction to porn is based on the fact that I have looked at it nearly every day for about 10 years. It had affected intimacy with my wife, wasting time and making me feel inadequate and have a low self esteem. My wife has witnessed my behaviour and even documented it in letters to my mother asking for help. I now finally get it and admit to the problem. I just hope it's not too late to save the marriage. I really want ti be a better man but aside from counselling I don't know where to start. Are there any books I should read or people I should speak to? My wife cannot help me with this one and I will look at getting a legal perspective on the house.


Andy are you a Christian, I know of many Christian based men's groups that address pornography. Not everybody is into taboo or illegal porn, not everybody views porn for hours a day, some Christian marriages consider any amount of porn to be an attack on marriage, it seems like that may be your wife's stance, or she is just projecting her insecurities and shame onto you, which actually sounds more accurate.

Your wife is ashamed of her porn use, or the content she is viewing, and projecting that onto you.

I would quit apologizing and respond with, "This has everything to do with you, and nothing to do with me."


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

gouge_away said:


> Andy are you a Christian, I know of many Christian based men's groups that address pornography. Not everybody is into taboo or illegal porn, not everybody views porn for hours a day, some Christian marriages consider any amount of porn to be an attack on marriage, it seems like that may be your wife's stance, or she is just projecting her insecurities and shame onto you, which actually sounds more accurate.
> 
> Your wife is ashamed of her porn use, or the content she is viewing, and projecting that onto you.
> 
> I would quit apologizing and respond with, "This has everything to do with you, and nothing to do with me."


What? So it's not really him watching porn, it's her? Even though he admits to it? 

So his porn use and subsequent neglect of her is really her issue?

Did you bother reading his post or did you just project your own viewpoints?

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Get to your attorney's office pronto at the first light of day!

If you don't, she is going to go about fleecing and hornswagling your young a$$, all while having your fair share of equity laying upon the table!

I wouldn't advocate trusting her any farther than I could absolutely throw her!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> I've been in finance for over 30 years. You don't ever sign your assets over to anyone. Period.
> 
> No matter what the circumstances are.


Well, I've been in finance and real estate longer than that, and I'll say it all depends, but know what you're doing.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

Andy101 said:


> My addiction to porn is based on the fact that I have looked at it nearly every day for about 10 years. It had affected intimacy with my wife, wasting time and making me feel inadequate and have a low self esteem. My wife has witnessed my behaviour and even documented it in letters to my mother asking for help. I now finally get it and admit to the problem. I just hope it's not too late to save the marriage. I really want ti be a better man but aside from counselling I don't know where to start. Are there any books I should read or people I should speak to? My wife cannot help me with this one and I will look at getting a legal perspective on the house.


Andy,

Absolutely the first thing is put the porn behind you, let her know, but time will prove it. Next you need a good counselor, easier said than done. But you need someone to guide you on the steps to rekindle your marriage. 

You have to present a "new" person to your wife... changed to where you become desirable. You need confidence and present to her a person that can succeed with her and everything else. That is a challenge but can be done.

Yes, you need some legal help, but don't let them force you into confrontation, unless it's the absolute last straw and realize it will cost you dearly.

The house is a minor point... don't fret that. You can always get another one. I'd bet it's nickels and dimes, especially if you have a mortgage on it... unless you live in a mansion. Do you know what the equity is? Not hard to find out, and give it to her for some "benefit" to you.... a mortgage that pays you in the future if some condition happens.... she brings in a boyfriend, it's sold, or she passes away... and there's others. If the current mortgage is a good one... low interest, fixed rate, keep it..... if you get the house back it's MUCH easier to keep it. If you can't get your name off the note (and that's your ONLY obligation, not the title to the house), then have a clause that says you can take over the the payment, and the ownership in the house if she doesn't make the payments.

There's lots of ways to solve this.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Have the property appraised by at least 2 different appraisers. If they disagree by a decent amount, get a 3rd opinion. Once you know what the house is worth and how much equity you have, gather up your household financial information and see a lawyer to find out what she would be entitled to in a divorce. Once you have some hard numbers, you'll be able to decide what is best.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Andy,
You admittedly have a porn problem. Your wife has good reason to have a problem with it particularly since it resulted in you not wanting her sexually. The only way to break your addiction is to decide to stop doing it and stop. Don't let yourself even look once. If you do, you've got to redouble your efforts and find a hobby to get your mind on and off the porn. It will get easier the longer you go without. But you may alwYs have the urge. Just think what doing it cost you. 

However, you should be very careful not to let your wife use your guilt over this to leave you with all the bills and her getting wverything. That's why you need a lawyer--- he isn't emotionally involved. 

My opinion is that once a woman changes her mind about a man, it rarely changes back. Fix your porn addiction and move forward with your life. If you do that, and NOT chase her, you may have a chance that her heart will soften a little and give you another chance.

I wish you luck. I believe you that you want to stop. You can so it if you want to badly enough. Regardless of what anyone says about porn-- for you, it's a problem.
Own it, fix it, and you will be a better man for it. 
Your life has nowhere to go but in a better direction when you make up your mind to make it so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Andy101 said:


> My addiction to porn is based on the fact that I have looked at it nearly every day for about 10 years. It had affected intimacy with my wife, wasting time and making me feel inadequate and have a low self esteem. My wife has witnessed my behaviour and even documented it in letters to my mother asking for help. I now finally get it and admit to the problem. I just hope it's not too late to save the marriage. I really want ti be a better man but aside from counselling I don't know where to start. Are there any books I should read or people I should speak to? My wife cannot help me with this one and I will look at getting a legal perspective on the house.


Here is a website for you to start with. 

Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn

Find a counselor who is also a sex therapist. They can help you stop this.

Also do a lot of reading online on the topic. The basic 'cure' is that you stop using porn 100% from here forward. In 3 to 6 months your normal sexual desires for a real live woman will return.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> What? So it's not really him watching porn, it's her? Even though he admits to it?
> 
> So his porn use and subsequent neglect of her is really her issue?
> 
> ...


I believe I read that his wife was also viewing pornography as well as sending partially clothed snap chats to a former love interest.

I didn't say that he did not have a problem with pornography, I said that as far as shame and accountability, he is accountable for his own crimes, not his and his wife's crimes.

I don't believe I am the only person who believes that his porn problem is her way of disassociating any fault she has in the marital breakdown.

Since my suspicions have been called out, I might as well speculate.
_I think your wife is having an affair, or considering leaving you for somebody else. She seems very eager yet too much of a coward to admit it, possibly even in denial. Your porn use or addiction, though she can identify with it, is her excuse to abandon you and pursue another love interest. I don't think these guys are all that she thinks they are, and she expects you to always be there when she wants you back... You're her safe alternative for when her dreams fail._

Again, just speculating.

I think you could be what she desires, I highly doubt even if you gave up porn completely you would be doing enough, I think it is far more than porn, I just don't think she respects you, or finds you to be enough. Sadly, I think she might be a bit delusional in thinking she can do better.

Stand up to her, just tell he no, I'm not signing anything. Get back in shape, stop looking at porn. Just using workouts as your porn distraction should up you T levels 2 fold, then when she wants sex, your probably going to give her the roughest fvcking she's ever had. That might keep her inline for awhile and drop this whole separation bull****.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

My wife approached me today and asked if I have found somewhere to live yet. This is now a normal part if my day. An agent came today to value our property and said it would sell in a weekend. I felt sick at the thought of our lively home that we have worked so hard for could just vanish. Regarding our marriage, she just says that working on it isn't on her radar right now. She says that I cannot heal my porn issues living at home as I would go back to it in no time. It seems she wants to shock the crap out of me and make me see what it's like to loose everything. She is also very bitter and likes to remind me of what I've put her through and that things are going to be different now and the kids will get used to their new way of life!? Makes me so angry but I cannot say too much. She is pressuring me to sell her my share if the house and wants me out asap. She has even found a few rentals for me to move into. She had controlled everything in our marriage and looks set to try and control me when we are apart. I wish I knew where I stood with this woman.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You know where you stand. Reread your posts.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> Andy,
> You admittedly have a porn problem. Your wife has good reason to have a problem with it particularly since it resulted in you not wanting her sexually. The only way to break your addiction is to decide to stop doing it and stop. Don't let yourself even look once. If you do, you've got to redouble your efforts and find a hobby to get your mind on and off the porn. It will get easier the longer you go without. But you may alwYs have the urge. Just think what doing it cost you.
> 
> However, you should be very careful not to let your wife use your guilt over this to leave you with all the bills and her getting wverything. That's why you need a lawyer--- he isn't emotionally involved.
> ...


A woman can change her mind in a heartbeat. She DOES change back, don't believe otherwise. I've had TWO SO that have changed, and a few others over the years. 

The door is still open, but will take effort.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

Andy101 said:


> My wife approached me today and asked if I have found somewhere to live yet. This is now a normal part if my day. An agent came today to value our property and said it would sell in a weekend. I felt sick at the thought of our lively home that we have worked so hard for could just vanish. Regarding our marriage, she just says that working on it isn't on her radar right now. She says that I cannot heal my porn issues living at home as I would go back to it in no time. It seems she wants to shock the crap out of me and make me see what it's like to loose everything. She is also very bitter and likes to remind me of what I've put her through and that things are going to be different now and the kids will get used to their new way of life!? Makes me so angry but I cannot say too much. She is pressuring me to sell her my share if the house and wants me out asap. She has even found a few rentals for me to move into. She had controlled everything in our marriage and looks set to try and control me when we are apart. I wish I knew where I stood with this woman.


Andy,

If the Realtor can sell it this weekend, the price is too low. For a "real" appraisal, it would sell to a normal buyer close to the time frame that others are selling in the neighborhood. But, as I said, the house is small potatoes, unless it's a mansion. BTW, how much equity is in the house? Take than number and subtract the selling costs.... then subtract the costs to buy another house, and that's your number. 

Your biggest issue (if you still want her) is to make her see you in a different light.... changed, and a better person. Don't give up, yet. Now, the control is an issue and you'll eventually have to solve that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Andy, have you seen a lawyer yet?

She cannot legally kick you out of your home.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Said behavior entitles her to a divorce. It does not entitle her to extra equity or money.
> 
> She is using his guilt against him. It sounds incredibly manipulative.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


I think you are making assumptions here. She is probably thinking about the future of her kids like any protective mother ought to do and shoulder the full responsibility for them which the OP seems to have abdicated. The OP should consider all of this instead of whinging about his hope of reconciliation, seems selfishness is another issue he has to deal with.
If he hasn't been responsible up until now it is highly unlikely he will do the right thing with regards to monetary support etc in the future, she probably knows this and is making a preemptive strike, which under the circumstances might be necessary.
Yes a divorce does not entitle her to extra equity or money under normal circumstances when a spouse is dealing with a normal divorce but with an unreliable and neglectful addict, well that is another story.

And to add, it appears from the OP's last post that he takes absolutely no reponsibility for his actions and the demise of the marriage, this is a particular personal trait of all addicts. Yes, he has a right to his house equity etc but she has every bloody right to her anger, bitterness etc. The thing is OP you didn't feel sick at all when your wife probably begged you to do something about your porn addiction. unfortunately actions have consequences and now you know what they are. Be a man and deal with it.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Certainly there must be more options than:

1. Fall on your sword, give her everything she wants and live miserably.

2. Fight and possibly come out fair and equitable while still living miserably.

Personally, I never choose my own sword. She hasn't won over you yet, she's just throwing words. From what it seams you already feel defeated by your porn addiction. Fight that fight with all you have left in you, and let her threats roll off your back. She might, give up on her eulogy, knowing she can't push you around, and choose to be more constructive with her tone, after seeing you so determined to fight for yourself when she wasn't in your corner.

Sure she will call you selfish, but you would be far less selfish than you are now; letting porn rule your marriage.

The best advice I've seen so far on these boards is this: You can't control anyone but yourself.

That goes both ways, start taking charge of your own life, quit giving other people or _things_ control over you. I promise you won't be miserable, regardless of outcomes.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Andy, I think she doesn't trust you-and with cause, hence the shock and awe approach.
While there are others who are telling you how manipulative she might be, the truth is if she were posting on TAM, as the wife of a neglectful addict, she would be told to kick you to the curb, and risk losing the marriage to "wake you up" and compelling you to seek real treatment for your issues. I agree.

She's angry about the marriage she has and her tolerating the neglect and addiction in the marriage. That will ease with time.... and space. If the house needs to be sold, sell it. Don't sign your equity over without legal counsel. Get help and show her the marriage she wanted is still a possibility.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

Well it looks like she won't be buying me out of the house as the bank has refused to let her take it on by herself. I have offered to keep paying my part of the mortgage and rent a small apartment for myself. She seems ok with that right now. I'm not sure if she will feel trapped by this but there are no other properties she could afford to buy or rent in our small town. 
She did however break down tonight. The hard exterior of the last week had crumbled. It's crushing me to watch her cry. We have talked says that she also needs help to deal with all this. She doesn't trust me and wonders if she ever could again. I can only try to get the help I need and take responsibility for my behaviour.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The biggest thing you can do here is fix yourself. 

Do it for you. Your actions will speak better for you than just your words.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sorry Andy.
You are right in that she probably needs help to deal with everything. I imagine she feels like a failure, that if she had done .... something (because she really doesn't know what at this point)..... but something, she could have stopped the loss of the life you two had. But just like you know only you can fix your problems, only she can fix hers. It is a bitter pill to swallow. I bet there's some kind of al-anon program around that might be able to offer her with some support.

Keep posting, ok? Actions can work wonders.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

Andy101 said:


> Well it looks like she won't be buying me out of the house as the bank has refused to let her take it on by herself. I have offered to keep paying my part of the mortgage and rent a small apartment for myself. She seems ok with that right now. I'm not sure if she will feel trapped by this but there are no other properties she could afford to buy or rent in our small town.
> She did however break down tonight. The hard exterior of the last week had crumbled. It's crushing me to watch her cry. We have talked says that she also needs help to deal with all this. She doesn't trust me and wonders if she ever could again. I can only try to get the help I need and take responsibility for my behaviour.


The bank has no say so in who owns the house. You can deed her the house anytime you want without their permission.... however, they "may" not take you off the note, which is probably the case, and you can deal with that with whatever agreement you make with her. Your agreement to pay for half might be the way to make it work fine. However, to just deed it to her gives her all the control and you still have the legal responsibility to pay the mortgage. You're best bet is to keep your name on title and make an agreement with her (sounds like you're doing that). However, have the agreement include a clause that if she doesn't make her half of the payment, you can move her out and take possession.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> Sorry Andy.
> You are right in that she probably needs help to deal with everything. I imagine she feels like a failure, that if she had done .... something (because she really doesn't know what at this point)..... but something, she could have stopped the loss of the life you two had. *But just like you know only you can fix your problems, only she can fix hers.* It is a bitter pill to swallow. I bet there's some kind of al-anon program around that might be able to offer her with some support.
> 
> Keep posting, ok? Actions can work wonders.


FWIW, someone CAN help your fix your problem, but you half to want to get fixed.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

November said:


> The bank has no say so in who owns the house. You can deed her the house anytime you want without their permission.... however, they "may" not take you off the note, which is probably the case, and you can deal with that with whatever agreement you make with her. Your agreement to pay for half might be the way to make it work fine. However, to just deed it to her gives her all the control and you still have the legal responsibility to pay the mortgage. You're best bet is to keep your name on title and make an agreement with her (sounds like you're doing that). However, have the agreement include a clause that if she doesn't make her half of the payment, you can move her out and take possession.


Sorry, but not really true. The bank/mortgage company can control ownership. Most mortgages have a provision about change of ownership which the mortgage company can enforce and call up the note. Any change in legal ownership needs approval of the lender or you risk a default. I was sole signature on our mortgage due to my ex's poor credit but the legal title was in both-and still needed permission to change legal title. It impacts their security interest in the property.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> Sorry, but not really true. The bank/mortgage company can control ownership. Most mortgages have a provision about change of ownership which the mortgage company can enforce and call up the note. Any change in legal ownership needs approval of the lender or you risk a default. I was sole signature on our mortgage due to my ex's poor credit but the legal title was in both-and still needed permission to change legal title. It impacts their security interest in the property.


Well, you have some misinformation. Yes, there's often a clause that prevents change of title, but if with the original principles to the note, to each other, trust, etc., it's ok. And even to a total stranger, it's fine. In fact, there's a place on the HUD statement for this.

I've been in the RE business for years and have done tons of title changes without the banks permission and not once has the loan been called. I've had several banks that have offered a better term on a refinance! That's the way it is.

However, for the OP, I personally would do nothing with the title or note, and do the whole thing with an agreement.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

We must use different banks. Either way its a moot point for Andy now.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

Well today my wife had composed herself and told me that seeing me in such pain had made her cry but now she realised that she cannot be around me so much so needs me to leave so she can pour her energy into the kids. Right now her mood has hardened to the point where she doesn't see us getting back together as the marriage has broken down. She says I have had my chances and now wants to move on without carrying my guilt. I went to see an apartment today and realised that it would be too expensive to pay for both the house and flat. I explained this and she just answered obruptly that we'll have to put it on the market! I couldn't believe how little the house meant to her. I don't want to sell it, just find a different type of arrangement for myself. I still have a little faith left in the marriage and also want my family to be ok in our home. I've had a desperate day where her pain and disinterest in our marriage have taken their toll. She wants me to back off and I will but surely there must be a right way if dealing with all this?


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

My w took the kids to her mums last night which is 80 miles away. Today I had a call from a friend of hers who lives that way asking if it's true that my w is considering moving there?! I am shocked as it would mean that I would hardly ever see the children again! Can she do that? It would disrupt their schooling and friendships and make any relationship with me almost impossible. I don't understand what my w us thinking..


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Well, she can unless and until there's a custody agreement that says otherwise.

If I may venture a guess, its possible the house, itself, is a source of pain and she thinks she can't heal if she is reminded of things. So going "home" feels safe and comforting. So speak up and make sure you get adequate access to your kids. A house is just a structure. People sell them all the time. A home is where you live and love those around you.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

I just feel that the house is a pillar in our marriage and if it goes then there will be no way back for us. I am so scared now. I love my wife and family but she is hell bent on detaching herself from me. I have tried talking to her but just says that I am playing mind games to get round her. I start therapy soon and have stopped looking at porn. I have been advised to not leave the house which will anger her even more but although I respect her need for space I'm worried that moving out will just help her get rid of me and not deal with our marriage at all! What should I do? She comes back tomorrow.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

good, you are making progress. I know its hard.

Having been in a dysfunctional marriage I can tell you what ever you "say" will fall on deaf ears. She needs to see the change. 
Can you move out of the master bedroom, but remain in the house. Perhaps do that while she is gone? That will be an action she can see upon her return.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to see an attorney and get an order in place that prevents her from moving the children out of the family home. That is now your top priority.

And do not move out of the house.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I agree you shouldn't move out but it sounds like she's done with the marriage regardless. Now you need to focus on her not moving away with your children. You need legal advice immediately.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

She sent me a whatsapp message late last night which was snapshots of text messages where I had disappointed her. She said that this was 2015 in texts and that we had argued solid all year. This is not true and she hadnt included the good texts. I replied saying that I agreed that communication gad broken down, that I can be a better man, am seeing our priest for counselling and how hot and beautiful she is. She didn't reply. I want to take as much action as I can but there is so much anger there its difficult to get past the wall she put up.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

And the talk still means nothing to her. Telling her her view of 2015 is incomplete or incorrect will fall on deaf ears. 

If you are sincere about regaining your marriage, cut out the "you are so hot" messaging.
Your addiction was porn, and she will see statements like this as you viewing her the same way you view the porn. Devalued.
Actions.
That is why so many are telling you to see an attorney. Show her your kids mean enough to you that you will take action for them. Not words.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

Its becoming harder each day now. My wifes moods are hardening and the only conversation she initiates is to ask me when I'm moving out ad she needs space to grieve and get over our marriage! We agreed a separation but she has been planning to file for divorce if I do not leave very soon. I have explained that I do not have the money right now and I start a new job in february and I need to speak to a lawyer. I told her to stop bullying me and to back off as she cannot force me out. She has threatened to leave and go to her mothers house but it wouldn't be practical. She doesn't want to even be civil or treat me with any respect. Just more of the same. What can I do to silence her? She won't stop. Maybe its a tactic to wear me down. The marriage is no longer the priority. Keeping afloat financially and being with the children is. Got to be a solution to all this?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Andy101 said:


> Maybe its a tactic to wear me down. The marriage is no longer the priority. Keeping afloat financially and being with the children is. Got to be a solution to all this?


That's exactly what it is -- a ploy to wear you down.

Just stay the course. Stick to your plan, she cannot force you out. 

But be wary of trumped up domestic violence charges -- if she's desperate to get you out she could very well call the police with false allegations. Carry a VAR on you at all times and record all interactions.

Your kids are your priority right now. If she decides to go to her mother's, oh well. You need to speak to your lawyer as soon as possible to prevent her from moving the kids from their home.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

You live there, so you are correct, she can't force you out. Unless you do something dumb like lose your head and hit her, then she can get a protective order that could bar you from living there. She could also lie to get one, so be smart and carry a voice activated recorder (VAR) on you at all times. Assuming you are in a one party consent state, you should be able to use that to defend yourself.

If possible, move rooms around so that there at least one clear 'your room' and 'her room'. The rest of the house can be common area, but you each need a place you can retreat to. You may not be able to afford to move out, but you can start baby stepping that direction. Pick which nights you feed the kids vs which nights she does. Don't cook for her, just you and the kids. Don't eat food she prepares, be self reliant. 

Prioritize meeting with a lawyer. Know your rights and have a plan. Borrow money from someone, or do some side jobs, whatever it takes to make a few bucks.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

My only concern with staying in such a tense environment is how this could in any way be beneficial for the marriage or my mental well being. If I stay what should the plan be? I am lost here. Not sure what I am doing anymore. I love the kids and will be out of money for a while. She doesn't care and expects me to get into debt.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Move out of the master bedroom.

Get a VAR (voice activated recorder). My concern is that your wife is over the top with her demands that you move. It's not just her home and they are not just her children. I'm concerned that she will fabricate abuse and call the cops. So keep the recorder hidden on you at all times when you around her.

If at all possible, see a lawyer and you file for divorce. That way you can get in place an order preventing her from moving with your child.

If you cannot afford a lawyer, look into your state's self help website. You could represent yourself.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

Well I saw the solicitor and she can't throw me out or play any silly games without it being logged. She also admits that moving away with the kids would be a bad idea.
I tried to talk to her and tell her that our marriage can work but she said that I have had plenty of second chances and that she has given up. She told me that she stopped enjoying the little sex we had over a year ago and that she has now filed for divorce and I will be getting a letter soon. Since having to accept what she is saying, she seems to have lightened up and is talking to me more. I don't want a divorce, just work it things out. She reassures me that she is not going to get involved with any other men anymore and will have live with little money or social life but she will sacrifice her marriage as she just wants to be happy with the girls! 
Not sure what I can do here. I will stay at the house for now until I have more money to move out. The house will remain in both our names. I went on a dating website last night and felt sick at the thought of anyone else. Is there still time to turn things around?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Andy101 said:


> I went on a dating website last night and felt sick at the thought of anyone else. Is there still time to turn things around?



You can't turn it around on your own. A relationship takes 2 people. From your words, it doesn't sound like she is interested.

That doesn't mean you should hop on dating websites tonight. You are still married until you are not. Take the time between now and when your D is final to work on yourself. 

Look up the 180, it will help you detach and focus on you (and your kids). Living under the same roof will be challenging. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

The marriage can't work because your wife doesn't want to be married to you. You think it can work because you're not detached from her, she isn't the one who pushed you away
So of course your perspective is different. 

Time for you to accept that. 

Keep in mind that whether she gets involved with men isn't your business, your marriage is over. 

It would be nice if she waits until you're officially divorced but after that she can do what she wants, just like you.

Keep bettering yourself as a person, that's good for you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Andy, 

look your not going to change her mind any time soon and to be honest you telling her anything more about saving your marriage makes you look pathetic, mentally and physically you need to think and act like it is time to move on...stay at the house, limit conversation about the kids only refrain from other dialogue, and work on yourself....be the better man you want to be, if not her her then someone else.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She's no longer interested in you. She's told you she's moving on. Believe her. And work on you so the same problems aren't dragged into your next relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

For now, I think that staying off dating sites and porn sites would be wise. If there is a kernel of chance for your marriage, that would definitely blow it.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

Well it's all going south now. Her friends have been making up stuff that I said to them about my wife not being financially able to detach herself from me. All lies. She has now told me that the divorce petition will have porn addiction as the unreasonable behaviour which I didn't really want but what can I do about that. She is now telling me that I have to leave the house and that the court will set a date for me to have to leave??? She is using emotional blackmail saying that the kids will suffer if she has to go to her mothers to stay. I don't want her to go. She is saying that she wants to sell the house, but she can't without my agreeing to it. If I say that I am staying because I need to earn the money to move out, I am a total axxhole. It's not pretty and I didn't want any of this. I told her that I am getting help for my addiction and will recover but she just says I will never recover followed by torrents of abuse. She is just intimidating me now to push me out. I don't think the marriage can be saved but I will need an exit strategy. I do love her but this divorce business is turning us against each other. I have never known such animosity between us. Anybody been through this?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes. Your attorney is the only one that should speak with her now, and record all conversations you have with her, should she initiate. She hates you. I'm sorry. It deal with her as an enemy now. Firm but cold
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

She is emotionally manipulating you. Detach and listen to your lawyer. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

always_hopefull said:


> Offer her the same deal, see if she thinks it's fair then. Just remember if she gets the house she can always sell it later when her and her new husband buy one together. Essentially you'd be giving some other man what you worked for. You may need to use your kids inheritance for your own needs as a senior, please don't take less than a fair share. it's not going to buy her love back .
> 
> Ps, if she thinks porn is a big deal, ask her if she considers looking at other scantily clad women as offensive. I'm sure she will. Then tell her you agree, that you found it offensive when she sent pictures like that to other men.


I agree with this, she should not have sent those pictures to those men! I hope you two can work things out in marriage counseling, but honestly, I wouldn't feel comfortable giving up the house just yet to her and the kids so you can go "live your life." Sounds like she is up to something and you may need legal counsel.


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