# Do I miss HER or just miss having SOMEONE



## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

I've been off the forum for a few days and have a lot of catching up to do! 

But, I've been thinking about something. My best friend thinks that I just miss having someone while I am convinced that I miss the most amazing woman I've ever come in contact with. I've put her on this pedestal in my mind and she is so perfect there. I know it is not reality but what do you all think?

Do we miss that person, the idea of that person, or is it just that we miss having someone to share our life with?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

It's worse than that.

You likely miss the delusion of who you thought she was.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I agree with Conrad. You miss the illusion.

You also miss the habit of her.

It will pass in time.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Conrad said:


> It's worse than that.
> 
> You likely miss the delusion of who you thought she was.


Conrad: That is so true in my case. Temperaturewise, my emotional feelings for STBXW still run the gamut of being situated somewhere between "scalding" and "dry ice!"


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

SD,
What I've learned is that I miss the concept of my ex, more than my ex. I too had her on a pedastal, but I blew up the pedastal. If she was so good, she wouldn't have done this to us. Remember that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

SD: Perhaps what you miss is the sense of a family. When I'm with my son and we are playing or doing stuff I miss her being there to interact with and stuff. I guess you may be missing her. It's tough to let these ****ers go. Excuse the language. Yesterday while at the house I saw her on her panties (by accident). That threw me into an emotional wanderlooo. I'm good today.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I think it is both. When you bond with someone, your entire being is focused on negotiating life as a couple. You are going through the detachment process now, and seeing yourself as single will take some time. It is a huge psychological adjustment.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

Conrad said:


> It's worse than that.
> 
> You likely miss the delusion of who you thought she was.


As always Conrad makes an excellent point. Always hard to accept that you were duped to an extent into thinking your life would be different.

On the upside we're all more intelligent and in touch with intuition and should be able to make wiser choices.

I don't think it's always a delusion, but I think people can change to an extent and sometimes just become estranged and truly indivudals living together. Hard to think that your wife or husband could drift so much as to no longer recognizing the bond of marriage, but happens all the time.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Today I miss all three, who she was, who we were, and who we could've been....just triggering today
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

So it seems that my instinct was right on this one. Thanks for all the opinions! Amazing how it validates my feelings to know others get it. 

*So what about the physical attraction part? My stbxw is hot my normal standards but in my mind she if F'ing flawless. Does that wear off too?*


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

sd212 said:


> *So what about the physical attraction part? My stbxw is hot my normal standards but in my mind she if F'ing flawless. Does that wear off too?*


Be careful with that one. Bandit and others here got taken in by his wife's good looks, and ignored her character defects. You need sexual attraction in a partner, but make sure that it does not blind you to red flags of incompatibility or selfishness. You don't need to go through that again.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Conrad said:


> It's worse than that.
> 
> You likely miss the delusion of who you thought she was.


I agree completely. At the very least, you miss the highlight reel, not the daily soap opera. There's a mighty big difference.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

My counselor went through a divorce several years ago. She said that it is normal to feel particularly lonely at night. She gave me a pretty good piece of advice...

When you are lying there in bed by yourself missing your spouse and feeling lonely. just remind yourself that you are just missing "the body"--not the person. 

I don't know about you, but I went to bed feeling pretty lonely for the past year or so...even when my ex was still living at home and sleeping with me. 

I just miss the body--not the man.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

We miss something. When I really think about it, my memories of us have not been what I perceive this moment for years! If it were like it used to be, right now, I'd be on the PC in 1 room and my wife would be in the bedroom, reading or whatever.

It Sucks that it takes something like this to knock us to realize the "normal" we thought, wasn't.

I am so aware of every single moment these days. A year ago, I numbed myself just to pass time, to get by. 

Of course, I wish we would have had the heartfelt conversations back then. 

I miss someone who once was, when I was at once. Based upon what's happened to me. Was that reality? No. Would that time ever come back? No.

It's like punishing ourselves. If only we had...we should have....we could have....and then.....

Maybe one day, all of these memories/thoughts will not affect us. That is my prayer.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Jayb said:


> We miss something. When I really think about it, my memories of us have not been what I perceive this moment for years! If it were like it used to be, right now, I'd be on the PC in 1 room and my wife would be in the bedroom, reading or whatever.
> 
> It Sucks that it takes something like this to knock us to realize the "normal" we thought, wasn't.
> 
> ...



Isn't it rather strange that what a lot of us have been feeling for our spouses, that I've been feeling toward mine. I know that the element of love is gone, moreso from her, but I keep having these delusional flashbacks back to a point in time where we pretty well operated as a unit. Where there was only closeness and unity, where there was no condescension, where only love was spoken, where there was no fault-finding. It actually existed and for a moment in time, there was sheer bliss.

But time, indeed, has a heavy hand in changing all of that, thereby changing our priorities, our love for each other, as well as many other things. While remembering the good, and oftentimes blocking out the bad memories, I become perplexed and very introspective often forgiving her, and at the same time blaming only myself for what happened. That is what is delusional, because the failure of our relationship was truly a joint venture, and I am slowly seeing that it is perhaps God's will that that relationship had to come to an end.

Conversely, I feel the hope and the optimism for my future, because I don't think a loving God would want it any other way. But while basking in that hope, I oftentimes revert to flashbacks of what was good and right and decent in my life, and for that I give God my unending thanks for providing me with that in my past, and knowing that He will supplant that for me in the future!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I have to ask - weren't any of you guys just really hurt and betrayed by these "wonderful people" you are pining for?

I sure dont miss the insanity of these last 2+ years. And sadly - that's who my Ex is now. 

The person I loved - my best friend from High School - that person is just GONE. No longer exists.

Not that I don't have my own grieving issues. But I would rather wake up next to my dog than my Ex at this point.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> I have to ask - weren't any of you guys just really hurt and betrayed by these "wonderful people" you are pining for?
> 
> I sure dont miss the insanity of these last 2+ years. And sadly - that's who my Ex is now.
> 
> ...


Hurt yes but I guess depending on how you look at it, it doesn't serve a purpose to hold onto resentment about it. At least that's how I see it. 

She's a good person but doesn't realize the full weight of choices always. Unfortunately we all grow at different rates and I feel no ill feelings towards her.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Mtts said:


> Hurt yes but I guess depending on how you look at it, it doesn't serve a purpose to hold onto resentment about it. At least that's how I see it.
> 
> She's a good person but doesn't realize the full weight of choices always. Unfortunately we all grow at different rates and I feel no ill feelings towards her.


Not even resentment so much - she's just not on that list of people I care to spend time with or reach out to.

Problem is I'm not sure who to reach out to - I just know its not her...


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## Knoxvillekelly (Mar 17, 2012)

SO many people go thru feeling just that. And it is so hard to tell the difference.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> I have to ask - weren't any of you guys just really hurt and betrayed by these "wonderful people" you are pining for?
> 
> I sure dont miss the insanity of these last 2+ years. And sadly - that's who my Ex is now.
> 
> ...



My point exactly! Who we "pine for" is not that person _per se_, but to be more specific, for who they were to us and what they meant to us, more especially at that "golden moment in time" where it was totally unimaginable that they could ever commit any wrong to the relationship, and for that matter, neither could we. 

And as is life's primordial lesson, sometimes things change~ hopefully for the better, but oftentimes for the worse. We just have to be able to position ourselves to respond accordingly!


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

This is something I've forgotten lately, thanks for the reminder
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StuckintheMud (Apr 9, 2012)

I believe its a mix, I havent slept in a bed alone in over ten years. Going to bed at night and waking up in the morning has been one of the hardest things for me. I believe its also a mix of missing the person and missing the feeling of someone being there.

It would lead to a day of feeling loss, sometimes unshakeable. Its a bit easier these days, but the thought of her being there doesnt leave. Just get a bit numb to it after so long.


Sitm


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> Be careful with that one. Bandit and others here got taken in by his wife's good looks, and ignored her character defects. You need sexual attraction in a partner, but make sure that it does not blind you to red flags of incompatibility or selfishness. You don't need to go through that again.


My God, you should have seen her last night when she came to pick up the kids. She was pretty done up from being out with friends and she looked incredible! She's gained quite a few lbs and usually looks a mess but last night, OMG. 
As a man, I really think this has SO much to do with it. I have IC at the end of this week and I can't wait to talk about it there. When I saw her last night I would have given up a leg to be with her. 

I am so sick!!!!!!!


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I think it's normal, I don't have those feeling about my ex, but it could be a man thing. I know my ex has had those feelings about me, I think it might be a bit of comfort, you know her, you're still sexually attracted to her etc. But the worse thing you could do would be engage in that, you'll suffer even more, and possibly have regrets.

all the best with therapy

Ps. I think we miss the person we wish they were, not who they are. I don't believe we want to be alone, we want comfort in another human being, to be held, etc. We miss being loved.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

working_together said:


> I think we miss the person we wish they were, not who they are. I don't believe we want to be alone, we want comfort in another human being, to be held, etc. We miss being loved.


Simplest explanations are absolutely the best, and you have definitely hit the nail squarely on the head! 

But I'd add to that in saying that we greatly miss extending our love to them just as much!


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> Simplest explanations are absolutely the best, and you have definitely hit the nail squarely on the head!
> 
> But I'd add to that in saying that we greatly miss extending our love to them just as much!


I never thought of that, I do miss loving someone, showering them with kisses knowing that I want to show someone I love them. It does feel good.


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Excellent question!

I think I miss what I WANTED out of him. He became a workhorse, couldn't differentiate between his work self and his home self. Started to be less silly, less soft, more focused on work. May have been his way of avoiding an unhappy situation at home? The realization that he didn't want to "play house" anymore? 

Whatever the case may be, I miss the "him" from 5 years ago when we could be silly and laugh together and be laidback. The "him" that used to tickle me and like to be tickled. The "him" that used to make me feel safe and comforted in his arms. Oh well. 

Maybe some day I'll find what it's really supposed to be like and realize what I've been missing all along? Maybe that's what he realized too. A bit earlier than I did...


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Wildflower,
I feel for you, id hug and tickle you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> Wildflower,
> I feel for you, id hug and tickle you
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think we all need a get together! A "cuddle session"!


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Wildflower3 said:


> I think we all need a get together! A "cuddle session"!


If this "happens", I want credit for starting the thread!!! :smthumbup:


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I joked that I would put an ad on Craigslist looking for cuddling, no sex required
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> I joked that I would put an ad on Craigslist looking for cuddling, no sex required
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's an awesome idea...but there are some freaks on CraigsList! I get freaky emails when I try to sell a piece of furniture. Although, I bet if someone read your ad, they'd totally think you were a freak too! HAHA!


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> Wildflower,
> I feel for you, id hug and tickle you
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'd totally welcome a good tickle and a big laugh followed by a snuggle. That'll be my CraigsList ad:

Separated Female in search of a big strong man who will tickle me, make me laugh, then cuddle with me right after. Perverts need not apply (depending on my current mood).


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Oh, and SD gets credit, for sure.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

sd212 said:


> My God, you should have seen her last night when she came to pick up the kids. She was pretty done up from being out with friends and she looked incredible! She's gained quite a few lbs and usually looks a mess but last night, OMG.
> As a man, I really think this has SO much to do with it. I have IC at the end of this week and I can't wait to talk about it there. When I saw her last night I would have given up a leg to be with her.
> 
> I am so sick!!!!!!!


It's funny that you mention that. It was when my STBXW came to my place all gussied up that made me realize she was playing games with me, which precipitated the entire "me moving on from her" path I've been on for the past few weeks.

She knows I think she's got great legs, and that I love her in boots. So one day when she came to pick up our daughters after my visitation, she had on TIGHT tights and some real sexy boots. And she had a flirtatious look on her face when she waved goodbye. This from the woman who said there was "no spark" and at minimum had an EA, and possibly a PA (of which I have no evidence, but is entirely possible). But all I could think about was having animal sex with her in that get-up.

But from that moment on, I realized what she was doing: stringing me along and teasing me just enough to keep me on a leash. I vowed to not let her have that power over me anymore. Now, divorce papers have been filed and her true vindictive nature has really shown itself. I have no regrets.

There are plenty of fish in the sea, and I refuse to let my STBXW control me with my ****. I totally understand how you feel...it's hard going without, especially when you do find your ex physically attractive. But then mine opens her mouth, and it makes all the attraction go away.


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