# Does he even love me



## Beccabutt (Oct 28, 2021)

My husband told me he loves me but not the same way anymore. He said he isn’t in love with me. He has been talking to other women online across our marriage but I’m not sure if he still is. He is spending time at home with me and the kids as he isn’t working and doesn’t have the means to go out. We are currently separated. He told me he wants to be friends but he feels more for me than that. He wants to cuddle and have sex. He wants to spend time together and talk openly. He tells me he is more connected to me than anyone and actually feels safe for once. He is being caring and affectionate. He does get jealous at the thought of me talking to anyone else and asked me if I slept with anyone which I haven’t. He told me that if I meet someone new he is done with me and we can only see each other when it come time to deal with the kids. Im feeling hurt. He basically wants a relationship with me but isn’t in love with me? And he doesn’t want me to see other people? I want so badly for this marriage to work but he said we don’t work as married because I have too many expectations that he can’t live up to. I have tried very hard to back off and lessen my expectations but he refuses to work on the marriage. He just wants to be in it without being committed. So what now? I want love and commitment but I also deeply want my marriage with him. Will he fall in love with me again at some point? Is he playing me for sex and affection? Im so confused.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well, it appears some damage has been done to your marriage and he believes it came from you. I'm not going to take a side here.

He obviously wants to continue with you at some level because he doesn't want to stay if you go for another man.

Before I continue, is he being a hypocrite and seeing other women? Having dates or even sex?


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## Beccabutt (Oct 28, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> Well, it appears some damage has been done to your marriage and he believes it came from you. I'm not going to take a side here.
> 
> He obviously wants to continue with you at some level because he doesn't want to stay if you go for another man.
> 
> Before I continue, is he being a hypocrite and seeing other women? Having dates or even sex?


I’m not sure. I know he was online talking to women. Mostly asking for friendship but he has had sexual conversations with them in the past as well. He says he has never met with them or had sex with them but I’m not sure that is true. And I don’t know if he is still on the app, but I imagine he is.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Beccabutt said:


> I’m not sure. I know he was online talking to women. Mostly asking for friendship but he has had sexual conversations with them in the past as well. He says he has never met with them or had sex with them but I’m not sure that is true. And I don’t know if he is still on the app, but I imagine he is.


As much as you want this marriage to work. He's cheating. Yes talking sex on line or having emotional affairs is cheating.

Let me man speak for you.

I'm unemployed. I'd like to stay in the house. I'd like to look for other women online but I still want to have sex with you because well I'm a man and you are here. I don't want you to think about other men because you might find one so much better than me and dump me before I'm ready to stop having sex with you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Beccabutt said:


> I’m not sure. I know he was online talking to women. Mostly asking for friendship but he has had sexual conversations with them in the past as well. He says he has never met with them or had sex with them but I’m not sure that is true. And I don’t know if he is still on the app, but I imagine he is.


How does he feel about you talking sexually with other men?

My initial impression isn't good by the way.

I'm not saying you should be doing what he is because it isn't healthy. I'm trying to get a read on his hypocrisy.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> As much as you want this marriage to work. He's cheating. Yes talking sex on line or having emotional affairs is cheating.
> 
> Let me man speak for you.
> 
> I'm unemployed. I'd like to stay in the house. I'd like to look for other women online but I still want to have sex with you because well I'm a man and you are here. I don't want you to think about other men because you might find one so much better than me and dump me before I'm ready to stop having sex with you.


I missed that he is unemployed?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Beccabutt said:


> My husband told me he loves me but not the same way anymore. He said he isn’t in love with me. He has been talking to other women online across our marriage but I’m not sure if he still is. He is spending time at home with me and the kids as* he isn’t working and doesn’t have the means to go out. *We are currently separated. He told me he wants to be friends but he feels more for me than that. He wants to cuddle and have sex. He wants to spend time together and talk openly. He tells me he is more connected to me than anyone and actually feels safe for once. He is being caring and affectionate. He does get jealous at the thought of me talking to anyone else and asked me if I slept with anyone which I haven’t. He told me that if I meet someone new he is done with me and we can only see each other when it come time to deal with the kids. Im feeling hurt. He basically wants a relationship with me but isn’t in love with me? And he doesn’t want me to see other people? I want so badly for this marriage to work but he said we don’t work as married because I have too many expectations that he can’t live up to. I have tried very hard to back off and lessen my expectations but he refuses to work on the marriage. He just wants to be in it without being committed. So what now? I want love and commitment but I also deeply want my marriage with him. Will he fall in love with me again at some point? Is he playing me for sex and affection? Im so confused.


@ConanHub


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> As much as you want this marriage to work. He's cheating. Yes talking sex on line or having emotional affairs is cheating.
> 
> Let me man speak for you.
> 
> I'm unemployed. I'd like to stay in the house. I'd like to look for other women online but I still want to have sex with you because well I'm a man and you are here. I don't want you to think about other men because you might find one so much better than me and dump me before I'm ready to stop having sex with you.


Never mind. I see it.

@Beccabutt , he is a loser. Don't talk to him, stop having sex with him and see a lawyer about what actions you should take.

He needs to be gone from your life as a husband and hopefully he can grow up enough to be a coparent.

He is taking up space that could be occupied by an actual man.

He is a boy and boys have no business playing with women.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Classic cheater's script.

He also has a low opinion of you as he believes he can just dictate the terms of your relationship while engaging with other women.

Kick him to the kerb.


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## Beccabutt (Oct 28, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> How does he feel about you talking sexually with other men?
> 
> My initial impression isn't good by the way.
> 
> I'm not saying you should be doing what he is because it isn't healthy. I'm trying to get a read on his hypocrisy.


He is unemployed at the moment and he does not like me talking to me at all, outside of friendship.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

@Beccabutt listen it generally takes two to break a marriage. However, cheaters have a tendency to rewrite history so they feel better about their own lack of character.

So did you have unrealistic demands? maybe maybe not. We don't know not enough detail. Probably not so much though. 

He is using you. This isn't love.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Your husband wants you for easy sex while he dabbles with other women & prohibits you from moving on. That's not love. It's the height of selfishness.

Take him at his word. This out of work guy is incapable of living up to your expectations even though you set the bar so low. All you want is his love & some attention. He's not even willing to give that to you. You can't fix this marriage because he's too lazy to try & he doesn't care Just get out


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So may I ask. Why or what do you love about him? Are those things actually still true or left over memories of years gone by?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Beccabutt said:


> He is unemployed at the moment and he does not like me talking to me at all, outside of friendship.


I'm sticking by my "loser" post.

I'm sorry you are in this situation but you don't deserve to be treated this way and you are the only one who can change it. He isn't reliable or even attractive to be honest.

You are worth commitment and responsibility in a man.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Beccabutt sorry you are here. Your husband is using you to fulfill his needs for sex, accommodation and domestic support. he wants all the benefits without commitment. 
Dump him. I know you still love him but that love is not reciprocated. Set boundaries and start doing a hard 180 on him. Stop doing his laundry, cooking etc, make him move out. Get a lawyer, see what your options are. Are you working? Tell him you have decided that his terms are disrespectful and you don’t want him anymore. He doesn’t deserve you. There are plenty of better decent loving men out there.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

It's not his fault for not meeting any expectations, it's your fault because you have the expectations. That's deflection. He is blaming you for his faults. That can really confuse your thinking. Realize what it is and don't accept it. I am sure it is your fault he talks to other women online and your fault he isn't working and your fault if his relationship with the kids declines. That kind of blaming can become emotional abuse. 

It sounds to me like he is getting his emotional needs met online. He needs you sexually to add some feel to his fantasies, but you can be certain it is not you he is thinking of when you have sex. The women online are not touchable, but your body adds the touch. The online stuff is cheating, cheating emotionally, cheating with your heart. 

Realize that he is manipulating and put a stop to it. Put a stop to the sex too, unless he can disavow every online woman, meet some expectations (become the husband you deserve) and vow his total love and commitment to you. He is using you for his fantasies and as a scapegoat for his own inadequacies.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If you are a halfway decent human being, you can do better. Don't waste your life with this hound.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Once one partner says the things he’s said - they’ve already left the marriage - their interest is outside the marriage.
Please do NOT beg him to re enter the marriage - that doesn’t work.
File for divorce - let go of the one who quit participating as a marital partner!

and tell him to get a full time job!!!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Beccabutt said:


> He is unemployed at the moment and he does not like me talking to me at all, outside of friendship.


What a jerk.
So are you working to support the family?
How long has he been unemployed? Why isn’t he working?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Beccabutt said:


> My husband told me he loves me but not the same way anymore. He said he isn’t in love with me. He has been talking to other women online across our marriage but I’m not sure if he still is. He is spending time at home with me and the kids as he isn’t working and doesn’t have the means to go out. We are currently separated. He told me he wants to be friends but he feels more for me than that. He wants to cuddle and have sex. He wants to spend time together and talk openly. He tells me he is more connected to me than anyone and actually feels safe for once. He is being caring and affectionate. He does get jealous at the thought of me talking to anyone else and asked me if I slept with anyone which I haven’t. He told me that if I meet someone new he is done with me and we can only see each other when it come time to deal with the kids. Im feeling hurt. He basically wants a relationship with me but isn’t in love with me? And he doesn’t want me to see other people? I want so badly for this marriage to work but he said we don’t work as married because I have too many expectations that he can’t live up to. I have tried very hard to back off and lessen my expectations but he refuses to work on the marriage. He just wants to be in it without being committed. So what now? I want love and commitment but I also deeply want my marriage with him. Will he fall in love with me again at some point? Is he playing me for sex and affection? Im so confused.


If he's not willing to be a real partner, giving his affections to you as you would with him, he's halfway out of the marriage. 
Both partners need to be contributing members.

He can't have it both ways, not really being a participating partner, but keeping you as his intimate.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Beccabutt said:


> My husband told me he loves me but not the same way anymore. He said he isn’t in love with me. He has been talking to other women online across our marriage but I’m not sure if he still is. He is spending time at home with me and the kids as he isn’t working and doesn’t have the means to go out. We are currently separated. He told me he wants to be friends but he feels more for me than that. He wants to cuddle and have sex. He wants to spend time together and talk openly. He tells me he is more connected to me than anyone and actually feels safe for once. He is being caring and affectionate. He does get jealous at the thought of me talking to anyone else and asked me if I slept with anyone which I haven’t. He told me that if I meet someone new he is done with me and we can only see each other when it come time to deal with the kids. Im feeling hurt. He basically wants a relationship with me but isn’t in love with me? And he doesn’t want me to see other people? I want so badly for this marriage to work but he said we don’t work as married because I have too many expectations that he can’t live up to. I have tried very hard to back off and lessen my expectations but he refuses to work on the marriage. He just wants to be in it without being committed. So what now? I want love and commitment but I also deeply want my marriage with him. Will he fall in love with me again at some point? Is he playing me for sex and affection? Im so confused.


I know this is hard but maybe you are just not meant to be together. Let me tell you something, in a good marriage you don't have to try very hard much, and you don't have to change your entire outlook. He wants to uses you physically to get off, but he is ready to ghost you if you meet someone else. And he is talking to other women. This guys is not a good catch, and you will only be hurting yourself if you keep pursuing him.

It's hard to see right now but maybe you will have a better life.

I am curious how does he support himself financially if he is unemployed, or are you doing that too? Was getting a job part of these "expectations" that were too much?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> @Beccabutt listen it generally takes two to break a marriage. However, cheaters have a tendency to rewrite history so they feel better about their own lack of character.
> 
> So did you have unrealistic demands? maybe maybe not. We don't know not enough detail. Probably not so much though.
> 
> He is using you. This isn't love.


It takes two people to make a marriage work. But only one to destroy it.

And in my opinion @Beccabutt's husband has destroyed their marriage.

@Beccabutt you are separated, that's half of what you need to do.

Normally, my advice is to look at couple's counselling. But in your case my advice is that, as I have said, you have gone half way with what you need to do. 

Now, you need to go the whole way.


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