# Can I ask him to stop and do it with me!?



## AJ916

A few months ago I learned my fiance we on websites talking to other women, sharing pictures and "fantasy". That has stopped - I keep a close eye!! He still looks at porn, which I had told him I didn't mind. But now I think I do mind. I obsessively look through his history at what porn sites he visits and freak out of one has links to webcams, etc. My question is, do I have the right to ask him not to look at porn at all anymore? He told me the other day that the reason we haven't been having much sex lately is because he's so wiped out from all the physical work he's been doing (he's done a TON of extreme yardwork, cutting down trees, chopping up the limbs, etc) for the past few weeks. BUT, he isn't too wiped out to wack off?? How does that add up?? Is there a guy out there that can explain this from a male point of view?


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## CallaLily

I think him being to tired is BS. Yeah you will have people say sometimes they are tired and its easier to just watch porn and work the hand. 

Bottom line, it seems he is disconnected from the relationship, and more connected to the screen. You need to try to get to the root of WHY that is. Just asking him more than likely will not get you the true response. He will probably continue to tell you he is tired but yet has no problem watching the screen and wanking. 

What was his excuse for talking to other women on websites? Fantasy? Once again, I call BS, he can have or create fantasies with you.

You have every right to ask him to stop, does it mean he will? Nope. If you feel comfortable watching it with him then you could try that. It still doesn't mean he will not do it when you're not around.


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## AJ916

Thanks CallaLilly. I understand that men masturbate, I'm not that naive or anything. Totally fine. I just don't get why it needs to replace our sex life, you know? And I'm with you on the BS of his reason for the other women on the websites. I laid out clear boundaries for that, I told him if I ever had so much as an inkling that was taking place again I'd leave. I wouldn't ask for another explanation or excuse, I'd just be gone and he'd never see or hear from me again. I've been in therapy to help me know that it was nothing I did or deserved to have happen, etc. 

I plan ot talk to him tonight about some sort of balance, ask him to explain to me how he sees this and what he plans to do to fix it. I don't believe in ultimatums, I want him to come to his own conclusion that he's depriving me of a basic part of any healthy relationship.


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## Catherine602

I wonder why this man in planning on marrying. He seems unprepared for a commited monogamous relationship. I also why you are still with him. If you read through this forum the post from women who married men who had little interest in sex with them, were porn addicts and contacted other women. They ignore all of the red flags that they are in for a miserable marriage. These men do not change porn is the crack cocaine of this era it is so seductive that the addiction is very difficult to break. 

So if you stay with this man expect more of the same. Porn is his mistress, addicted men usually don't have sex with a real woman. She does not offer the variety and perfection that the porn performers offer. So your feiance has an unfortunate addiction that he will probably have the rest of his life with Internet porn just a click away. He may never be able to maintain a long-term relationship and have kids. 

Why would sign up for a life of such emptiness, anxiety and pain. get out now and find someone normal he is loss in a very dark place that he is unlikely to emerge from. Don't throw you chance for happiness away just because he to weak to resist porn. Speak to your therapist, if they tell you that you have nothing to worry about, go to another competent therapist.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

sounds like fiance should seriously be considered ex-fiance. 

i also think that at least for some guys who use porn to replace sex, it is the lazy mans sex. it takes no effort. dont have to worry about pleasing the woman. you just get yours and go. quick and simple.

if it was just a fantasy think with communicating with other women, he could do that with you throughout the day with sexting or sexy e-mails. probably more to that than he confesses to.


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## Jamison

You both are on two different pages in this relationship. You are now seeing the red flags, I wouldn't ignore them in hopes they will just go away. He is showing you who he is right now. He isn't marriage material at this point. You marrying him will not change that. Bottom line, pay attention to these red flags, they are up for a reason.


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## AngieMarie

If he is honest with you and tells you about it that's one thing... If you find out about it and he lies thats something totally different. 

Research porn addiction and see if he fits.. Sounds like he may if it's taking away from his daily life. Porn addictions can turn really serious and 'can' lead to living the life of a sexual offender. Is that what you want? 

TALK TO HIM, don't demand that he stops because that may drive him to do it more. Tell him how it makes you feel.. "It hurts my feelings when you do this". Ask him if there is any way you can help him fight the urge and turn to you instead. 

If he doesn't think he has a problem, and unwilling to work on it knowing your feelings on the issue.. I'd be looking for another groom.

Good luck!


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## Syrum

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> sounds like fiance should seriously be considered ex-fiance.
> 
> i also think that at least for some guys who use porn to replace sex, it is the lazy mans sex. it takes no effort. dont have to worry about pleasing the woman. you just get yours and go. quick and simple.
> 
> if it was just a fantasy think with communicating with other women, he could do that with you throughout the day with sexting or sexy e-mails. probably more to that than he confesses to.


:iagree:

Who would in their right mind replace real sex with watching sex on a computer. I could not stay with a man who had this problem.


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## remmons

AngieMarie said:


> If he is honest with you and tells you about it that's one thing... If you find out about it and he lies thats something totally different.
> 
> Research porn addiction and see if he fits.. Sounds like he may if it's taking away from his daily life. Porn addictions can turn really serious and 'can' lead to living the life of a sexual offender. Is that what you want?
> 
> TALK TO HIM, don't demand that he stops because that may drive him to do it more. Tell him how it makes you feel.. "It hurts my feelings when you do this". Ask him if there is any way you can help him fight the urge and turn to you instead.
> 
> If he doesn't think he has a problem, and unwilling to work on it knowing your feelings on the issue.. I'd be looking for another groom.
> 
> Good luck!





Syrum said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Who would in their right mind replace real sex with watching sex on a computer. I could not stay with a man who had this problem.


I am a guy who use to have a problem with porn, so hopefully I can shed some light into this issue. I am going to try to answer this without offending anyone, for I know how sensitive that this subject can be.



> AJ916
> A few months ago I learned my fiance we on websites talking to other women, sharing pictures and "fantasy". That has stopped - I keep a close eye!! He still looks at porn, which I had told him I didn't mind. But now I think I do mind.


At first, you were in agreeance with his addiction, and by allowing him to continue, it loosened boundaries that should have been put into place. One of two things will have taken place once a boundary was established. (1) If a boundary were to be put in place when this was first discovered, this could have been curbed and may not have progressed as far as it did, or (2) he would have made the attempt to keep it hidden from you, thus making it more "thrilling" to maintain the addiction, and thus harder to overcome.



> do I have the right to ask him not to look at porn at all anymore?


Yes! You do have the right to ask him to not look anymore, if you feel strongly about this. If you can set aside a time to sit down with, him and tell him how you feel about this issue without putting him on the spot, you stand a chance at a successful resolution. But I will forewarn you, if he is not willing to admit that he has a problem, then this road will be a bumpy one to navigate. 



> ...haven't been having much sex lately is because he's so wiped out from all the physical work he's been doing


I have been to that point also. Not only does this physical work put a strain on the body, it puts a strain on the mind as well.

Unfortunately, this addiction is something that has it's victim hooked so hard, it is difficult to get unhooked from it. It takes many things to overcome an addiction, such as the love of a special person, concerned family members or friends, therapy sessions, ARP Programs and so forth.

It was very difficult for me to overcome the clutches of my addictions, but through the traumatic separation (and divorce) of my wife, concerns from friends, counseling, Church, and the ARP Program, I have overcome my addictions. But I forewarn you. Temptation is ALWAYS looming. If you both can find tools that will help to keep him away from temptation, then the both of you will come out on top as winners.

Setting goals and celebrating sobriety (first by the day, then weekly, monthly, then yearly), is one tool that can be implemented to help curb the temptation. Daily reminders placed about the house, such as little sticky notes, or bible verses, can also help to overcome temptations, especially when one of these reminders is placed on the computer. Having a picture of the both of you placed on your computer stand, with a warm message of love written on it, is another tool that you can use that he just can't simply ignore when he is at the computer. (Hopefully he will feel a sense of guilt when he logs onto the computer and sees your face on the picture).

Weekly dates, special outings or occasions for the two of you, or even daily walks can also help to resist temptation. You showing your love, without being overpowering, can have a positive influence on both of your lives. If you can get him to understand shame and guilt, he will think more about his addiction and do what he can to overcome this problem.

I don't know if the two of you are religious or not, but simply reading the Bible to each other, taking turns, is another powerful tool that can be used.

I hope that I have been of some help. Good luck!


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## Runs like Dog

Yeah I don't get it either. I think you have to grab the bull by the horns so to speak. The next time you catch him, jump his bones and be real dominant about it. Nasty greasy monkey sex. 

Hey, it can't hurt. Well it can, so use a safe word....


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## Disposition

all addiction issues aside, as a man, it's a hell of a lot easier to just quickly rub one out then go to bed. if i'm tired and exhausted from working all day, i may not want to have a "lovin' encounter" with my wife. i've been there before, and believe me, it has nothing to do with my wife or our relationship. and yes, sometimes i do look at porn while.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## L.M.COYL

I second the above sentiments, as a man who works at an exhausting job all week, when I get home while I may be motivated I am physically too tired of providing my wife with 30 min of foreplay :scratchhead:, the main course and clean up.

I mean on the weekends or if I have the next day off it's a different story.:smthumbup:

Then again, my job requires me to work FROM home as well as on site, so unless she can provide me with a quick "how do you do" w/o the foreplay, then 'it's on' but othewise, too much work going on.

My feeling is that this is at the heart of the issue here and while it may very well be pathological, it is societal (or class) condition, not individual.

My 2c.


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## that_girl

His excuse is BS. My husband works 10 hour days, does yard work, has many things to do and we have sex almost every day (even since we separated to heal).

Porn can destroy a relationship. It allows the man to only focus on himself and not worry about your needs. He doesn't have to be intimate or relate to you in any way.

Maybe he feels guilt about it so that also puts a wedge into things.

I'm so happy my husband doesn't care for porn.


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## wild_irish_rose

Porn is terrible, and for many men even when it starts out "simple" it progresses quickly to much worse things.

My husband is a porn addict. He hid it well when we were only dating but after we were married he didn't make such an effort and I started at first just finding things like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue or Victoria's Secret catalogs in the bathroom. Progressed to finding Sex Usenet groups in our internet history. Then I started finding porn sites in the history, starting with just basic stuff but progressing to really disgusting stuff to the point where he was looking at things like bestiality, rape enactments, Japanese Anime porn (never even knew this existed until I caught him watching it) and more. I started finding XXX rated movies from the pay channels on our cable bill. There were nights - I am not kidding here - I would wake up (our bedroom was right below the computer room) and I could actually hear thumping and moaning coming from upstairs because he was going at it so hard. Wanna guess how that made me feel? And he just kept denying all of it. The cable channel made a mistake (every month? I don't think so). Oh, I hit that web site by accident (so why does the browser history show DOZENS of pictures from it). We had a decent sex life still but it was harder and harder for me to want to be intimate with him knowing that he was getting off on all this perversion. I wouldn't have minded a few Playboys here and there I know most men do that but the stuff he was getting into really bothered me. I confronted him so many times but he either lied or told me it was no big deal. I suppose maybe we could have worked things out if I had been willing to join him in this crap like his current GF does, but I shouldn't have to participate in something that I think is disgusting.


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## desert-rose

He is BSing you because he doesn't want to face up to the truth. He has indeed disconnected and withdrawn from the relationship. My husband's doing some similar stuff right now and I just found out and am devastated. If you're not married yet, either leave him (so that he can go and get help) or demand that you two see a couples counselor. If he can't commit to counseling, he doesn't care enough about you to overcome his addiction and it will only get worse from there, believe me! In our case, his porn addiction led to cybersex online, then an emotional online affair, and then meeting people from personals ads. It feels really, really rotten to know that your partner values you less than random people online and you really don't ever want to walk down that road. It really is an addiction for many men. Be especially warned if your sex life is suffering. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you and who is capable of being with you. One thing is for sure -- do not sweep this under the rug and hope that it will go away because it will not; you must actively seek intervention to rebuild intimacy or you should seriously consider leaving him before you are invested in a marriage. If he loves you enough, he'll try to work it out with you, but if he won't work it out or is too immature, then you deserve better than to be the runner up after his addiction and living a life of shame and neglect. I agree with the person above who commented about red flags -- they are important; be thankful you found this out before getting married because if you end up having to get your and his families involved, it will be far far far worse. See a counselor if you're not sure of your feelings. I've started to do this and it's helping me see the picture a bit more clearly, I think.


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## remmons

I was going to multi-quote a few of you who posted. But instead, I will keep it simple.

Porn is o.k. for some couples, while it is not for others. In one of my previous relationships, it was o.k. In fact, SHE initiated the porn. Before her, I never really cared for it. I have seen it, but never acted upon it. With my last relationship, porn was the BIGGEST mistake that I have ever made. I was too self absorbed with what I wanted that I didn't even think of what my ex-W had wanted, until after the separation, which followed with a divorce. To some couples, it is a staple, a means to live out your fantasies. But to other couples, it is the devil at best.

I have since learned, that if you truly love the person who you're with, try to learn what they like and what they don't like. If you are willing to accept them for who they are and what they believe in, then you will be willing to change your ways for them. but if you are NOT willing to change for them, try to look for someone who has similar interests, likes and beliefs.

Since my divorce, I have not been looking for another relationship. Yes I am lonely as heck at times, but I am taking this time to heal, and to make improvements to myself and to my life. I am also exploring to see what I REALLY want out of a relationship. Since I had a taste of the good life with my last marriage, maybe I will look for another fine lady with similar interests as what my ex-W had. I am praying and hoping that I can do things right this time around.


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