# Just Found Out



## pollyanna406 (Apr 9, 2010)

I'm searching for some help and advice and I stumbled onto this site today. I just learned that my husband is/was having an EA...at least that's all he'll admit to. We've been married for 12 years, my second, his 3rd. I should also mention that he's an alcoholic that's had been in recovery for 12 years. Last November (2009) he left to go to school 300 miles away. He came home for T-giving and Christmas. Between T-giving and Christmas I suspected he'd started drinking again but he denied...I didn't believe but no proof. Then when he was driving back to school after Christmas holiday he was stopped for a DUI. He was very distraught and made promises he's not kept...quit drinking, attend AA and start to become the man I deserve to be married to. He quit drinking for a time, attended one AA meeting. He has been going to school. About a month ago we had the opportunity to spend the weekend together at a state b'ball tournament my daughters were playing in. It was the first time we'd seen each other since the DUI and it was an uncomfortable reunion but as the weekend progressed it got better. I was sorry to see him go back to school and I think he wishes he was coming home with us. The only black mark on that weekend was when he rec'd a text from a female co-student. He didn't respond to her and said that she was probably just wondering where he was since he wasn't in school. The week after that weekend I just had a knot in my stomach that something wasn't right. Told him that he should just come home and finish school. He refused. Said that he was going to finish what he started. We discussed the text again and I reminded him that that feature of our cell phone costs extra...it's not part of our plan so please don't text. He agreed but then I found out he continued. On Tuesday I learned how to go in and see what the phone activity has actually been. I was sick. He's been texting and calling a different female co-student nonstop. All hours of the day and night, even during school hours. I confronted him. He wouldn't talk about it at first then called me yesterday a.m. and told me he was writing me a long letter to explain. We did establish that this is an EA as there has been flirting. He states nothing physical but I told him I was sure he was using her in his imagination...he denied this. I questioned whether he's drinking again...yes, but is stopping again. He says that the calls and the texts will stop and that I can check on the history anytime. He told her yesterday and said that she was sorry to have caused problems. I told him that just because the call/text history on the phone stops doesn't mean they won't find another way. He says he's committed to me and our marriage, that this woman is "trailer trash" (his words). I told him I was ordering transcripts of the texts and is there anything in them that he would want to tell me about 1st. He refused to discuss them. Said he wouldn't do it. Said that there is nothing in them of sexual content or about me. I asked him how long it would have been before the EA had turned physical...he said it probably would not have. When I said "probably" he responded that it "wouldn't have". I questioned why and he said it's because he's married. I should mention that she is also married. 

I'm an emotional wreck right now. I'm trying to put on a good front at work and for my kids but I fell apart last night and they now know. I should have the "LONG" letter tomorrow but I have questions he needs to answer until then. I just needed to find a place where I could talk freely about this and get a little advice and support. 

Thanks for listening and I'm looking forward to hearing from someone...


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

First of all I'm sorry you are going through this, I know from experience what kind of pain you are feeling. I would make sure you get the phone records and make sure he is telling you the truth. 
I'm sorry but he could just get a phone you don't know about and continue just want to open your eyes....
the first step to stopping this kind of thing is exposure, you say she is married, have you considered contacting the OW's husband and telling him about what you have discovered.
Tell him you want his help in saving your marriage and that he should put pressure on his wife to leave your family alone.
This is good spot for you to come and get advice and just vent when you need to. 
There are many people here at different stages of what you are going through. 
Affairs even EA aren't as much fun when they are actually hurting other people in this case 2 families.....expose, he will be mad but he will get over it...
hang tight girl.....


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