# Emotional Affair Pls help



## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

We have been married 26 yrs, 3 grown children, very good marriage, and prior to this have never had trust issues. I am very attractive, well liked by all, and loved and respected my husband.

Bomb has exploded in my life because my husband during my serious illness (recovering well) informed me he has a friend he has been communicating with for year and a half. 

I had NO suspicions whatsover, he is inconsolable and has plead for mercy. He cries most every night, has lost significant amount of weight and cannot believe he had caused that much pain and suffering. He says he loves me and never imagined (how could this be?) that his actions will cost his marriage. He is dumbfounded that I may end our marriage. I have just forced him out for a week but he disagrees about having to leave. He says he will do anything to earn my trust again. 

But I just cannot get past this. It has been 6 months and I am barely functioning, but crying all the time. I just cannot believe that someone who I so thoroughly trusted could have so betrayed me. We were in counseling but truthfully in 6 months the pain has not diminished at all. I believe we had such a strong connection that something like this could never happen to us.

Back up, my husband has travelled to Florida without me for many years. He has family there, loves the beaches and enjoys maybe 2 or 3 days on the beach a few times a year. I don't always travel with him at first due to money, and then due to school schedules. He has visited there for many years (with and without me) without any problems.

Well, he says at a sports bar, a 25yr old who he says seems as if she were 16yr approached him about problems with her boyfriend. He said he then realize she was a stripper, felt sorry for her and thought as a father he can steer her away from that life. He spoke to her, gave her his phone # and of course DID NOT tell me. He spoke with her at first only a couple times a month encouraging her to learn a trade. She did leave and now has a different career.

He continued to speak with her and text her (no sexual content) and took her out to lunch with her sister 3 times in Florida.

One year later, I became ill and as is characteristic of my husband he lovingly cared for me but was still in contact with her. The phone communication increased because he said I was ill and he had no one to talk to. He confess to me while I was ill because he felt his prayers for my health were not being answered because of his deceit. He however at first insisted it was not an emotional affair because they have never touched. He now conceded it was an affair because he hid this relationship from me.

I feel that I may be going crazy with grief and sadness. I would never take my own life because of our children and all around me who loves me. However this is very very difficult and just not sure where to go to from here.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Some people can't get over the betrayal, some can. It may be that you can't. Give it more time, though. What you describe is very typical, he had a PYT hit on him and it soothed his aging ego - happens all the time. She probably has a dozen guys just like him on the string, waiting to hit them up for money.

Go back to counselling, but make sure it's individual counseling, too. Deal with your grief.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

Actually, she did hit him up for money twice. Once for help with moving expenses and another for certification renewal.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then I'd look at this as though he was a good patsy; she knew what she was doing, and he was too nice of a guy to realize he was being set up.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Guys are suckers for attention from pretty young girls. 

I think you can get past this, but you'll only be able to rebuild by increasing your time together. Talk about positive stuff. Reliving the past all the time will just keep the hurt alive.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Definitely. Are you spending 15 hours a week together doing engaging stuff (away from tv or computer)?


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

Thank you for the suggestions. I had him move out just for the week. He is very eager to return so perhaps we will try to spend time together.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

I know SO well where you are coming from. I have a 45 page plus thread on here, and an going through a completely life-changing "EA" thing myself right now.

There will be many people on here telling you one thing, and many others telling you exactly the opposite.

The bottom line of it will not be clear, and that you and he are the only TWO people who know what that is.

Given your husband's reaction, I would say that it SOUNDS LIKE he's gotten it, and that it may well be worth making an attempt to work it out.

Some spouses (like mine) are so hell-bent on a "no-remorse", uncompromising mindset that it is crippling.

PM if you'd like. I really REALLY know what you're going through....


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

I think that H gets it now BUT does time really heals?? It has been 6 months yet pain remains at same level.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, I think you are over reacting a bit. 

First, focus on the positive here vs negative.

Your husband is a great man if he went up and beyond to help a troubled woman out there. Some people simply have that character that makes it hard for them to "not help". 

Did you have the boundaries WELL defined? (if not, let us know cause that changes EVERYTHING).

Assuming you guys did have them defined well, he did break them a bit but let's be realistic here........it was all "father like" figure. You definitely have to be clear with him and tell him that this cannot happen again. 

Simply tell him that there is enough problems in your life to worry about others and although you understand why he helped this girl, he cannot save the world, sorry.

IMO you need to stop crying and being emotional ASAP. This does NOT help and only makes the entire situation worse.

Make a decision, are you leaving him because of his actions or not? 

IMO, he deserves a 2nd chance (but not 3rd, make that clear). Assuming you do that, STOP dwelling on this entire situation and move on FAST.

This is really not that big of a deal. If anything, this only validates that you married a great man. 

Us males have a tendency to care for other beings like they are our mothers/wifes and daughters. It's part of our nature and usually is a good indicator of a great man.

NOW, some struggle with it and it becomes inappropriate and disrespectful towards our significant others. 

I think he deserves a pat on the back for being a good man, but also deserves a CLEAR warning to pay close attention to himself when and if such situation arises in the future. Some women will REALLY take advantage of such man (which is messed up).

Assuming this hasn't been done yet, he needs to be VERY clear with this woman and tell her that he cannot continue this relationship as it is inappropriate and disrespectful as a married man. 

Heck, I would even suggest for you to fly down to Florida and sit down face to face with this woman and your husband and watch him say it to her.

Sometimes, it's best to face your fears and take them head on. But again, that's something for you to decide.

Such relationships should never exist again within your relationship (make that clear). 

The reason why you are still hurting after MONTHS is because you keep dwelling on it/being emotional about it etc. If you decide to stay, cut it out and start thinking positive thoughts etc. Controlling your brain/thoughts can be a VERY powerful thing. NOT controlling it (or at least trying to), can be very dangerous.

If you don't stop, it will eat you alive and you will only make your relationship miserable as the time goes on.

READ: if you can't stop dwelling on it, you better end your marriage.

Things could've been SO much worse......

Good luck


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

Thank you DoF, but it may have began innocently but how do I get past the lies? Remember this went on for 18 months.

I did speak with the other person and told her never to contact my husband again. She readily agreed and as far as I know, the've had no contact. She insist he was a helping/father figure but I still don't understand. My husband had many opportunities to confess but chose to wait many months while we continued living our affectionate and "good marriage".

It my husband loves me as he claims would lying not have been difficult for him?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good advice.

And apparently you two aren't going to make it if you don't get into good, long-term counseling to deal with this issue. If he sticks around for it, you'll know he's sincere.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

To DoF -

What do you mean if we had boundaries defined? I am not sure what this mean and we never had such a situation. Though he claims that he knew having a secret friend was wrong.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Samantha36 said:


> It my husband loves me as he claims would lying not have been difficult for him?


Many many people grow up learning to NOT tell the truth so as to avoid bad stuff. Who knows what it was with your husband, but that's part of him. He may have thought at one point 'I should tell Samantha that this woman keeps calling me' and then rapidly thought 'but if I do, she'll be mad at me and I don't want her mad at me.' So he didn't. And then things progressed and as you know, when the lies/omissions get bigger, it becomes an even bigger elephant to swallow and starts to seem insurmountable, so one can become...paralyzed as to what to do.

I'm not trying to minimize what he did or your pain. Just to tell you that, out of say 5000 men I've seen on these boards who cheated, in terms of being a bad person (willful cheater, bad guy, etc.), in terms of 1 to 10, 10 being the psychopathic cheater who hates women and will never stop cheating...your husband seems to be a 1. Be grateful for that and try not to lump him in with the horrible horrible people we've seen here. You guys have a good chance to make it if you can just find a way to deal with it and let this strengthen y'all's marriage.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Samantha36 said:


> To DoF -
> 
> What do you mean if we had boundaries defined? I am not sure what this mean and we never had such a situation. Though he claims that he knew having a secret friend was wrong.


Did you ever sit down with your husband and clearly defined boundaries. What is cheating and not cheating?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Samantha36 said:


> Thank you DoF, but it may have began innocently but how do I get past the lies? Remember this went on for 18 months.
> 
> I did speak with the other person and told her never to contact my husband again. She readily agreed and as far as I know, the've had no contact. She insist he was a helping/father figure but I still don't understand. My husband had many opportunities to confess but chose to wait many months while we continued living our affectionate and "good marriage".
> 
> It my husband loves me as he claims would lying not have been difficult for him?


He was too ashamed/embarrassed of his actions (chances are).

He knew what he was doing was wrong, he just got caught up.

He made a mistake and admits doing so. You can possibly expect him to be perfect (he never will be).

Again, go over boundaries and just tell him this can't happen again. You are giving him a 2nd chance, but will NOT give him 3rd.

Having close relationships (friendships, father figure or whatever) ......and male from your perspective should be a BOUNDARY that cannot be broken. 

Again, that's up to you and your husband to define. In my relationship above boundary exists.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

turnera said:


> I'm not trying to minimize what he did or your pain. Just to tell you that, out of say 5000 men I've seen on these boards who cheated, in terms of being a bad person (willful cheater, bad guy, etc.), in terms of 1 to 10, 10 being the psychopathic cheater who hates women and will never stop cheating...your husband seems to be a 1. Be grateful for that and try not to lump him in with the horrible horrible people we've seen here. You guys have a good chance to make it if you can just find a way to deal with it and let this strengthen y'all's marriage.


I agree 100% and thus the reason for my "you are overreacting statement"


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

No, we never had a cheating conversation, though we have always agreed that cheating is always wrong. Husband claims he had never heard the term emotional affair and thought that as long as he does not touch her or develop romantic feelings for her, it isn't cheating. I guess that how he was able to continue this relationship.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When I married 34 years ago this week, I told my H that if I ever caught him cheating, he'd never see me again. Literally, he would never SEE me again. I would be so gone it would be like we never married. Over the years, in his business, he's had thousands of opportunities to cheat. AFAIK, he hasn't. I asked him a couple years ago why he never did. Guess what he said? "Because you told me when we got married that I'd never see you again. I couldn't take that chance."

That's a boundary discussion, lol.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And he's right - 99% of people on this earth have never heard of an emotional affair and wouldn't understand what it means and how it can destroy a marriage. And most people who get INTO an EA do so innocently, as friends or confidantes or even just as a helpful person who gets taken advantage of. Most would be horrified of the thought that they might hide it from their spouse, before it happened.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Samantha36 said:


> No, we never had a cheating conversation, though we have always agreed that cheating is always wrong. Husband claims he had never heard the term emotional affair and thought that as long as he does not touch her or develop romantic feelings for her, it isn't cheating. I guess that how he was able to continue this relationship.


Define it down to dirty details!!! This is VERY important. What's cheating to YOU doesn't mean it's cheating to HIM.

You both have to sit down and define it/agree on it.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

DoF said:


> OP, I think you are over reacting a bit.
> 
> First, focus on the positive here vs negative.
> 
> ...



It took me a while to digest what you wrote. I guess it sometimes takes a neutral party to explain things clearly and without too many emotions.

So thank you as I did deep inside and work on myself towards forgiveness. Judging by my husbands behavior, I am pretty certain this will not again occur as we've been married close to 27 years and had not had any incidents. We have now gone over boundaries and will continue counseling.

I guess sometimes the best advice are free.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

turnera said:


> And he's right - 99% of people on this earth have never heard of an emotional affair and wouldn't understand what it means and how it can destroy a marriage. And most people who get INTO an EA do so innocently, as friends or confidantes or even just as a helpful person who gets taken advantage of. Most would be horrified of the thought that they might hide it from their spouse, before it happened.


At first when he said he had never heard of the term EA, I just knew he must have been lying. But he stuck to this and I guess he probably didn't hear of it.

So I wonder, what would a normal person do in order to never end up in this situation?

I just answered my own question, "never keep secrets from your spouse" ?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why would he have ever heard of it? He's not a woman, sitting around a coffee table with other women discussing relationships, lol. That's not what men do.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

turnera said:


> When I married 34 years ago this week, I told my H that if I ever caught him cheating, he'd never see me again. Literally, he would never SEE me again. I would be so gone it would be like we never married. Over the years, in his business, he's had thousands of opportunities to cheat. AFAIK, he hasn't. I asked him a couple years ago why he never did. Guess what he said? "Because you told me when we got married that I'd never see you again. I couldn't take that chance."
> 
> That's a boundary discussion, lol.


Turnera, 

May I ask? Why do you bother being on this forum CWI if you've not been touched with infidelity?

When my marriage was moving along fine, and we were living what I thought blissfull life, I didnt even know this forum even existed or even how to use it. This is the last place I ever would be... Just wondering... mean no harm.

~sammy


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

turnera said:


> Why would he have ever heard of it? He's not a woman, sitting around a coffee table with other women discussing relationships, lol. That's not what men do.







That's not what some women do either.



I know what an EA is because I grew up watching my father have one over a period of years, much to the torment of my mother. I didn't know what to call it. But I knew it was "a thing" and it was wrong.



So, I was eventually able to recognize my wife's EA, and assertively challenge it, with some success. I also learned what to call it.



Five years on, she still doesn't accept that she had an EA, taking issue with the A part. This is despite ample opportunity to read Shirley Glass's book on our shelf, or follow me to TAM, or give MC and IC more than a brief "See, I tried it and it failed. It doesn't work."



Turnera, I have immense respect for the wisdom you bring to bear here on TAM, and the effort and time you put into sincerely trying to help. But, this is the second or third time in the last several weeks it has seemed you have attempted to bring gender into the discussion where it didn't seem necessary and even seemed off the mark.



True enough many men fit the mold you seem to have in mind. But I know many who do not.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Do you think this was mutual emotional involvement, or was this more of her seeking/trying to land her own financial security- using your husband? Is it possible that she was doing the very same thing with other men? Something to think about. Your husband might have got sucked in my his own generosity. 

My husband worked with a lady who was the office flirt, she was in a marriage she wanted out of and she was hitting all the guys up for attention, my husband included. My husband loved the attention, it was obvious. I told husband I felt she was seeking another man to help her out of her marriage, feeling she could not do this on her own. I think my husband invested a bit too much of himself in her as far as fantasizing about her but he kept denying his feelings towards her. I saw what was going on and I told my husband he needed to be very careful because she was looking for husband #2 and she was going to do what it took to get what she wanted. Next thing I know she is pg.....she was having sex with one of the many guys she was flirting with. Husband seemed bummed. She got what she wanted alright. Husband was being lead by his hormones and I think he was loving it.

It happened then several years later, another office flirt. Every man in the office was married and here is this woman who was not real attractive playing on all these men, again obvious to me, and again I asked husband how he was feeling towards her and he denied his feelings at the time. She was very unprofessional, would rub my husband's shoulders and she was send him emails telling him she missed him once we moved away. It wasn't just him, she was doing this with all the guys and every one of these married men loved this attention. She had them all by the crotch of their pants. Later I found out that she married one of the guys (who had been married at the time) that she had been flirting with.

So what I am saying here is that I do understand, I have lived it. I saw it with my own eyes. Husband denied it for many years but then finally admitted that these could have been considered emotional affairs. In each situation the women had enticed the men and my husband was just one of many that each of these office flirts was hitting on. He was not honest about his feelings when I asked him initially and it hurt me to see this play out as he was not spending time trying to work on our marriage, he was caught up in the fantasy of these other women, and in that sense it was a betrayal. Husband later told our counselor that he felt it was just male behavior but realized that it was wrong.

Had we not been so detached already, husband is the emotionally unavailable type and loves the flirt and chase and will go back time and again to some girl if she laughs at his stupid jokes....for him that is saying that he is okay and that she accepts him and he loves this.....but he can't get close and we have had a very odd detached marriage with me seeking him but it not being mutual. Once he admitted his feelings towards these women and admitted his fantasies I realized there was too much in his head that I felt could not be trusted and I stopped seeking him.

You can move on but do understand where your husband is coming from. If you were put in the same situation and found yourself attracted to some man, would you enjoy the conversation, would you contact him?

I am not saying what your husband did was right. I am saying though he is human and it does sound like there was alot of refrain from anykind of deep involvement. This woman may have never had the right intentions for your husband, he may have just been sucked in and he loved the new attention.

One of the questions I asked my husband once he admitted his feelings was how he would have felt had I openly was showing interest in other men. I think then it hit him. I think he was acting on his own interest, loving the attention, loving the fantasy, loving the thrill of something new but what he was not realizing is I saw this all playing out and meantime he was neglecting his marriage. He didn't realize this because he was caught up in his own interests, very selfish but I think typical of these type of situations.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

wow lol enjoying reading people taking this thread seriously


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

To avr1962,

This young woman I think knows how to use and manipulate men as at the time she was a stripper. But, I will probably never know if she had other men in the same capacity as my husband. IOW, I don't know if she had other male non customers as platonic friends. I just have a nagging feeling that she thought my husband was going to marry her or somerhing. Though my husband swears they have never had any conversation regarding romance. Who knows.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sammy3 said:


> Turnera,
> 
> May I ask? Why do you bother being on this forum CWI if you've not been touched with infidelity?
> 
> ...


I got sent to forums about 15 years ago when people got tired of listening to me gripe about my husband. The longer I stayed, and learned, the more involved I got. I started seeing that one of the biggest problems couples face is infidelity. But then I started seeing the psychological aspect of it, and that's where I come in, as that's my passion, and where I have the most luck understanding what/why people do, and what the best response is. I've realized in that time that there are good ways to save a marriage from infidelity, so I try to push that on people (sorry!) before it's too late. 

Most BS's kneejerk reaction to D Day is to beg and lose confidence. The absolute worst things you can do when a spouse cheats. If you don't switch it around immediately, you will almost always lose your cheating spouse. Psychologically, it's just what most people do, the BSs as well as the WSs. So I try to get people to see that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

PieceOfSky said:


> Turnera, I have immense respect for the wisdom you bring to bear here on TAM, and the effort and time you put into sincerely trying to help. But, this is the second or third time in the last several weeks it has seemed you have attempted to bring gender into the discussion where it didn't seem necessary and even seemed off the mark.
> 
> True enough many men fit the mold you seem to have in mind. But I know many who do not.


*shrug* I talk about what I see. I've read thousands of threads over the years, I've read hundreds of books on relationships and psychology and sociology, and it's what I've observed. Of course there will be people who are exceptions. But try to prove to me that men are more likely to sit around and talk about feelings than women.

And any men on a forum like this are already 1000 times more likely to be introspective and open to learning about new things. Either that, or they've already experienced what you have and that is what brought them here, again making them more open to learning and changing.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

There are emotional affairs and there are emotional affairs.
sounds stupid?

what I mean is this: what was the content of their conversations?
this is important. Was there a lot of flirting, sexting, suggestive talk, or was it more father figure type stuff?

What he did was wrong period. BUT. the content of the relationship is important in deciding reconciliation and what path to take.

I agree with several posters above, that while this involved lying and EA, its not nearly as bad as most i've read, including my own.

He still loved you. He got involved in a dumb stupid inappropriate relationship with someone his daughters age.

Have you read his emails? If not, demand to see everything as part of the reconciliation deal.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> There are emotional affairs and there are emotional affairs.
> sounds stupid?
> 
> what I mean is this: what was the content of their conversations?
> ...


No there were no emails sent, but there were many texts. Based on my phone plan I was only able to see last 30 days of text but there was nothing sexual. The problem is the lies told to cover-up this relationship and the living of a double life.

I feel that this young woman was expecting a relationship. After all if a married man was seeing me behind his wife's back, I would feel certain that he likes me in a romantic way.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He reminds me of the kind of person who, as a kid, was not taught to go up to the old lady next door after you broke her gate and admit that you did it. In other words, it was 'learned' to just avoid what you did and not fess up and hope it goes away. Doesn't teach responsibility and doesn't teach that when you do confess, things are better. You giving him a second chance may be his chance to learn this.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Yes, your husband felt guilty because he knew it was wrong.
And yes, you bet this gal was looking for more than platonic.
Worse, he did it while you were sick although he took care of you.

But, the fact that it may not have been overtly sexual is an extenuating circumstance.

Only you can decide whether he crossed that line forever.

But it seems to me that on a scale of affairs, I agree with previous poster this is in the 1-3 range out of a worst 10.


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## Aeternus (Mar 11, 2014)

I agree with jorgegene. I'm not even sure I'd classify this as an emotional affair, did he ever talk about running away with her, or tell her that he loves her? This, to me, sounds like a strong friendship, nothing more. Maybe she was after him, and wanted to marry him, but who cares? He is yours, and it's your ring he wears on his finger.

It is still wrong because he kept it from you. That is the problem here, not the fact that it happened, but that it was a secret. That almost suggests there was something more behind it. If it makes you uncomfortable, which clearly it does, it HAS to stop. Your marriage is more important than this girl he met on some business trip however long ago.

Secrets are insidious to a relationship. He needs to understand that, and he needs to know they are not acceptable. Other than that, I think you'll be just fine.


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