# Pregnant by Spouse While Separated and Now he's Dating



## Rachellia (Jul 7, 2013)

I'm a private person normally, but this agony is so profound I cannot withhold it. 

I am 30 years old and have been with my husband for 14 years -- since I was 16. We've had deep ups and downs, but there has been a great deal of love and joy, too. A little over a year ago I desired a change of pace from living in small-town GA and we moved to NYC at my behest, he was miserable here but I thrived. Alas, his misery led to drinking and raging, and in my hurt, I responded by cheating both online and in real life. It was a horrible, horrible way to cope with my feelings of hurt and by the time I saw that, my husband had spontaneously left me while I was out at work and texted that he was planning to file for divorce without even confronting me face-to-face. 

Cut to mid-May, I came back to GA for 10 days and we spent the entire time together. It was beautiful, hopeful...he called off the divorce (by filing for a motion which indeed passed) and we agreed to begin talking every two days and to reconcile over the next 6 months as I found a way back to GA and as he got some help for drinking and anger management. 

Within 4-5 days of my leaving GA, his tune suddenly changed. He said he'd "had a change of heart." It was confusing and painful, but I kept speaking to him and giving love and encouragement, all the while he continued to express rage that was as fresh as the day he'd first learned of my transgressions. In late June I learned that I was 5 weeks pregnant with his child. Alas, the pregnancy had attached to my uterine septum (a condition I was told greatly enhanced my odds of infertility) and had almost no blood flow. The gyno advised me to terminate lest I undergo and more traumatic and dangerous miscarriage within the next few weeks. In pain like I've never known before, I called my husband who was still sticking to his bizarrely changed tune. After aggressively demanding money from me (even though I'd already offered, knowing he was unemployed) for the drive to NYC, which I paid, he came up the day before by surgery to take me to and from the hospital and to care for me during the recovery, as due to the septum it wasn't a standard termination, I was placed under full general and my recovery was a full week with assistance around the home during that time needed as per doctor's orders. 

He was drunk by the time he walked in and within an hour told me that he "couldn't stay for the whole week of (my) recovery because (he) had to get back to (his) girlfriend." I started crying because that was an amazingly cruel thing to say given the circumstances. He later said he was "lying to hurt (me)" and that "he didn't have a girlfriend."

After the surgery he drank a lot and was relatively angry, but even so, two days after the procedure I felt well enough to take him on a date and make him dinner. Once we returned home, he went and consumed large amounts of alcohol before again rambling on about a "girlfriend" whose name he wouldn't give -- it was as though he were playing a game to test my feelings, at one point even screaming: "see??? Don't like it when I'M with someone else now, do you?!?!" Then he stormed out and abandoned me to drive back toward GA from NYC at 1 am. 

As though that weren't bad enough, I then learned 4 days later from a mutual friend that there was indeed a woman he'd been seeing and that when he left NYC, he went straight to her on the money I'd given him. He had met this kid (she's 25, he'll be 40 in a few months) mere days after we agreed to reconcile and it just happened to be that same weekend he had the "change of heart." Said woman then CALLS me mere days after the most profound and private trauma of my life, lauding my husband for being "so open and honest" about my situation (which was NONE of her business) and then speaks to me as though I'm the other woman. I wept and asked her to consider another human being and to have enough respect for herself and the marriage I shared with my husband to step away while we work through some trauma. 

As for my husband, he has used this as an opportunity to tear into me for my past transgressions, even though much had changed even before the pregnancy. 

I just can't understand how this person I've loved for 14 years could do this with some kid who is a clueless interloper...why? He said that "he's finally found someone who accepts him just as he is and that he's ready to move on," adding "Why can't you just be happy for me?" 

I don't even know what to say...how could he have "moved on" when mere days before meeting her he had called off the divorce and agreed to reconcile? when he was texting me almost daily (though angrily) since meeting her? when I was pregnant and going through this? I feel sick because she shows up in pictures on my facebook feed as he parades her around friends we've known for years who know nothing of this private Hell and thus post photos of them with my husband and her. 

I'm lost, full of hormones, and have been told by some that he's doing nothing wrong because we're separated. Am I crazy to think that he's engaging in madness or do some really "move on" so quickly that 14 years is nothing to them?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your husband is an alcoholic ass who doesn't care about you at all. Trying to understand his thoughts or hers will only bring you pain. Work on healing. Find a counsellor. Work at distancing yourself from him, including blocking the two of them on FB. 

C


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## MisterRitter (Sep 1, 2012)

PBear said:


> Your husband is an alcoholic ass who doesn't care about you at all. Trying to understand his thoughts or hers will only bring you pain. Work on healing. Find a counsellor. Work at distancing yourself from him, including blocking the two of them on FB.
> 
> C


Couldn't have said it better. I have been doing a lot of research and learning about alcoholism over the past year and I have heard and read countless stories where the alcoholic or drug addict behaves just like this. The advice to someone in your situation is always to go to an Al-Anon meeting to help you and the addict. There are also forums online similar to this one for addicts and their loved ones.

Good luck to you.


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## Rachellia (Jul 7, 2013)

But there are the things that alcoholism can't explain -- the suddenly "moving on," the playing her against me when I'm most vulnerable, the insistence that she's who he's meant to be with now when he's known her all of a month. I can't imagine a human being treating someone they hated like this, much less someone they've known and loved and shared a family with for 14 years.

Despite the blocking, I still see photos because he's out and about with many of our mutual, long-time friends back home who have no clue what's been going on or who she is.

The counseling is definitely on the agenda, though, but money is an object. I've looked into both Al Anon and support groups for separated spouses and I'm not sure which would offer the most support and benefit.


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## MisterRitter (Sep 1, 2012)

The alcoholic mind only makes sense to the alcoholic, and quite often maybe they can't even make sense of it. Think of alcoholism as a disease, which is the current medical thinking. It's like trying to make sense of why a group of cancer cells is attacking the rest of your body.

Not that any of this lets him off of the hook, just allows you not try to make sense of it. I doubt you are going to be able to reason with him at this point. The best you can do is to take care of yourself.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I just can't understand how this person I've loved for 14 years could do this with some kid who is a clueless interloper


Really?!

Weren't you the one who cheated on him?! What's there to not understand?!

It's best you detach from your husband and consider your marriage over. He's obviously not going to heal anytime soon. Everyone deals with infidelity in a different way. His rage is concerning and he should seek help, but there's no way you can force him to do that.

Overall, I would say you played a major part in bringing about this situation and need to accept the fact that no matter how much you regret what you did, the scars are there to stay for a long time. You can't change that.

Your husband had every right to demand separation, divorce and feel confused. It would be strange if he didn't. Not sure about him finding a girlfriend though. I don't think their relationship will last long. But that doesn't really concern you at this point.

You have a child with this man and it's best to allow him to find the willingness to come around on his own. Trying to force him into anything will backfire. On the pregnancy, you both should've been more responsible. It was no time to get pregnant, but it's happened and needs to be dealt with.

Your husband seems to have found solace in drinking. That's not good. You don't want that kind of a person around a newborn. It's best for you to assume full responsibility for the baby in you until your husband figures out what he wants to do with his anger and addiction. 

Try not to think about the past much. Just accept that you both played a part in this, though your infidelity surely outweighs most other causes.

Good luck


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## Rachellia (Jul 7, 2013)

synthetic said:


> Really?!
> 
> Weren't you the one who cheated on him?! What's there to not understand?!
> 
> ...


You didn't read fully. I cheated after a great deal of hardship, physical abuse, and confusion (didn't have an affair) and stopped -- that was almost a year ago. He had also cheated in the past (with one of my bridesmaids from our wedding then with a random teenager at a party which I walked in on-- both times while he was intoxicated) and I stayed, forgiving and understanding that he wasn't his illness and insisting he got help (which he would do before quitting after feeling disheartened). This separation took place months after the cheating had occurred and I had been laboring on our marriage while he continued to drink and rage. I saw he was hurting and withstood it, understanding what I had done. That said, we are NOT having a child together (it was terminated) and the pregnancy wasn't the result of irresponsibility but of method failure. We managed to avoid it for 14 years together and this, of all times, was the one time it failed. Finger wagging isn't useful, I know my errors -- that said, he and I are still married, he's been living in my home and I've been paying his health insurance and phone bill since he became unemployed a year ago. In my eyes, he has no business to carry on this insanely hurtful affair while on my dime or while HE himself called off the divorce and agreed to reconcile.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Makes no difference.

You cheated on him. Apparently he did too (according to you). 

You should not be paying for his life. You also have no say in how he wants to live. He can carry on with the affair if he chooses to do so. Try not to overestimate your control over this situation.

You chose to have a baby with a man who is clearly not committed to you. You knew that going in bed with him. You had recently cheated on him and realized that he may not stick around. Your choice, your life. 

He's the father of the baby. Based on what you've posted, he doesn't sound like the person who would abandon his child in the long run (I hope), but he may very well choose to abandon you. He already has.

Stop paying for him, file for divorce and start focusing on yourself. You have no other choice. Unless you want to abort the baby.


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## Rachellia (Jul 7, 2013)

synthetic said:


> Makes no difference.
> 
> You cheated on him. Apparently he did too (according to you).
> 
> ...


Again, you didn't read. I had not "recently" cheated -- the cheating took place almost a year ago and he knew of it as soon as it happened. I didn't choose to have a baby with him, we experienced method failure. However, the "choice" to terminate was removed by my medical situation, and he insisted that regardless of the viability, I needed to terminate (which I wouldn't disagree with given the circumstances). And at this point, yes I believe he would have abandoned a child had choice been a factor and I decided to keep it. That said, it's hardly abandoning me when he calls/texts daily and even when he came back up before my surgery he held me and attempted intimacy...it's confusing and excruciating. It's clear he doesn't know what he wants and neither do I, but I'm choosing not to involve a third party which is monstrous to do to both me AND the other person. He is also declining to re-file for divorce and I know that if I do cut off support, he will likely retaliate in a drunken rage, as he's been destructive before when feeling rejected.

I realize that as it stands, the situation is amazingly toxic and scary and that my control is limited. That said, in a perfect world I would like us to use this chance to work on our own issues (my codependency and his drinking and rage) while communicating with love and compassion and evaluating with clearer heads whether or not there's a way forward.


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

Rachellia said:


> I'm a private person normally, but this agony is so profound I cannot withhold it.
> 
> I am 30 years old and have been with my husband for 14 years -- since I was 16. We've had deep ups and downs, but there has been a great deal of love and joy, too. A little over a year ago I desired a change of pace from living in small-town GA and we moved to NYC at my behest, he was miserable here but I thrived. Alas, his misery led to drinking and raging, and in my hurt, I responded by cheating both online and in real life. It was a horrible, horrible way to cope with my feelings of hurt and by the time I saw that, my husband had spontaneously left me while I was out at work and texted that he was planning to file for divorce without even confronting me face-to-face.
> 
> ...



You know Rachella I am going through almost the EXACT same thing. The only difference is I have his son. He also gave me cancer which I am experiencing pain from this today. My ex-husbands other woman told me I need to move on. I know what you mean of love and sacrifice. I will send you my story . Sometimes I think that even though they know they made a mistake, instead of saying they are wrong they keep going on with the mistake to cover the pain they feel and the fact of what they have done. I loved my husband so very much now I still do but when I have pain from my cancer or even look at any love stories I find my self crying wondering if I were that sorry of a woman that he did this to me. 

Not only did my husband left me desolate, he gave me an std that prolonged them finding my cervical cancer. I wish I could tell you that thing will and do get better. Right now I am in your place. My husband had surgery he even lied on the day he had it. And lied everyone we knew. His girlfriend even had me arrested when I never set foot on her property. He even came to court with her against me and I won. But in the end he had enough money that he stole from me approx. 35 grand I had saved to win in court and left me with nothing. I was TOTALLY faithful and yet the court system in VA goes to the person who has the most money. 

It is no longer about you or him. it is about your child and I know where you are coming from you have to decide if you are okay with being a single parent. My ex is still in Wonderland. I can not wait for him to look in his life's mirror. His son looks just like him. But now it does not matter. 

You need to decide what YOU want and what role your baby's father life. Try to concentrate on that. Why do I say this that was my problem. You can always email me privately. I am in almost the same situation.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Rachellia said:


> Again, you didn't read. I had not "recently" cheated -- the cheating took place almost a year ago and he knew of it as soon as it happened. I didn't choose to have a baby with him, we experienced method failure. However, the "choice" to terminate was removed by my medical situation, and he insisted that regardless of the viability, I needed to terminate (which I wouldn't disagree with given the circumstances). And at this point, yes I believe he would have abandoned a child had choice been a factor and I decided to keep it. That said, it's hardly abandoning me when he calls/texts daily and even when he came back up before my surgery he held me and attempted intimacy...it's confusing and excruciating. It's clear he doesn't know what he wants and neither do I, but I'm choosing not to involve a third party which is monstrous to do to both me AND the other person. He is also declining to re-file for divorce and I know that if I do cut off support, he will likely retaliate in a drunken rage, as he's been destructive before when feeling rejected.
> 
> I realize that as it stands, the situation is amazingly toxic and scary and that my control is limited. That said, in a perfect world I would like us to use this chance to work on our own issues (my codependency and his drinking and rage) while communicating with love and compassion and evaluating with clearer heads whether or not there's a way forward.


Seems like you have your own denial issues.

Cheating "a year ago" is recent. Very recent.



> That said, in a perfect world I would like us to use this chance to work on our own issues


And what part of your world do you consider to be "perfect" or even close to it?

This is simply denial.

You should not care about his rage over you filing for divorce. He is with someone else and has no plan to change that. Unless you're okay with sharing your husband, you should end the marriage. You already cut the big rope when you cheated on him. Time to severe the rest of the ties.

If you continue to try to force him into your "perfect world", you're going to suffer a lot. I can promise you that much.


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

You should not care about his rage over you filing for divorce. He is with someone else and has no plan to change that. Unless you're okay with sharing your husband, you should end the marriage. You already cut the big rope when you cheated on him. Time to severe the rest of the ties.
If you continue to try to force him into your "perfect world", you're going to suffer a lot. I can promise you that much. 

This part I agree with. You can off list me more if you like. I am going through the EXACT same thing. The only difference is I did not cheat. I loved him and respected our marriage. He obviously did not. Again ask your self is he is willing to forgive? His actions show otherwise. Please do not waste time like I did and protect yourself.


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## Suchacliche (May 18, 2013)

You need to get yourself out of this marriage. You shouldn't be supporting him. He has already moved on with his life. I know it hurts but you need to start working on you. 

You also have to burden some of the blame by having an affair. If he has cheated on you as you claim then you know how much it hurts and you should understand that it's not a feeling that is easily healed. 

You said you are thriving where you are at. Keep working on yourself and forget about him. I know easier said than done but it sounds like you just need to move on without him.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You don't sound remorseful about your cheating. At all.


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## Rachellia (Jul 7, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You don't sound remorseful about your cheating. At all.


I am, deeply so. I think of it all the time. I've written letter after letter expressing it, I ceased what I did, I took unpaid leave to come to him in-person and apologize again. After I confessed out of guilt about my cheating I was slapped, spat on, choked and raged at for months off-and-on whenever he had too much to drink. He threatened my job, threatened to tell my mother "what a ***** I was," and alternated between loving me fiercely and loathing me. Even then I did not feel justified and still felt tremendous guilt for causing him such pain -- the pain I recalled so well from when he had transgressed. At the same time, there was a disconnect because when he cheated, I showed understanding and I didn't rage at him. I accepted that people sometimes screw up in terrible ways and that when I made my vows to him, I vowed to accept him with all his faults and strengths and that I owed him my forgiveness and love. I simply talked to him, cried, and worked through. I guess I was expecting that he might treat my mistake in-kind.


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## nishi_25 (Jun 30, 2013)

Rachellia said:


> I'm a private person normally, but this agony is so profound I cannot withhold it.
> 
> I am 30 years old and have been with my husband for 14 years -- since I was 16. We've had deep ups and downs, but there has been a great deal of love and joy, too. A little over a year ago I desired a change of pace from living in small-town GA and we moved to NYC at my behest, he was miserable here but I thrived. Alas, his misery led to drinking and raging, and in my hurt, I responded by cheating both online and in real life. It was a horrible, horrible way to cope with my feelings of hurt and by the time I saw that, my husband had spontaneously left me while I was out at work and texted that he was planning to file for divorce without even confronting me face-to-face.
> 
> ...


So u r prego by ur husband and he is cheating... ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I guess I was expecting that he might treat my mistake in-kind.


And that's where you need to make a change in your thought process. After this ordeal is over, one thing you will learn is, to expect is to suffer.

Every expectation will eventually result in disappointment. Without exception. Think hard and try to prove me wrong.

Start living life expecting nothing but self-love. You'll be happier and perhaps not inclined to cheat when faced with hardship.


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

Rachellia said:


> I am, deeply so. I think of it all the time. I've written letter after letter expressing it, I ceased what I did, I took unpaid leave to come to him in-person and apologize again. After I confessed out of guilt about my cheating I was slapped, spat on, choked and raged at for months off-and-on whenever he had too much to drink. He threatened my job, threatened to tell my mother "what a ***** I was," and alternated between loving me fiercely and loathing me. Even then I did not feel justified and still felt tremendous guilt for causing him such pain -- the pain I recalled so well from when he had transgressed. At the same time, there was a disconnect because when he cheated, I showed understanding and I didn't rage at him. I accepted that people sometimes screw up in terrible ways and that when I made my vows to him, I vowed to accept him with all his faults and strengths and that I owed him my forgiveness and love. I simply talked to him, cried, and worked through. I guess I was expecting that he might treat my mistake in-kind.


Sometimes when we expect for people to act a certain way because that is what we do is the wrong way to look at anything. I want to know how long has it been since you last talked to him?


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

Rachellia said:


> but *I'm choosing not to involve a third party* which is monstrous to do to both me AND the other person. He is also declining to re-file for divorce and I know that if I do cut off support, he will likely retaliate in a drunken rage, as he's been destructive before when feeling rejected.


I don't know why, but that made me laugh so hard that I almost choked on my morning coffee dammit.


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## Rachellia (Jul 7, 2013)

A++ said:


> I don't know why, but that made me laugh so hard that I almost choked on my morning coffee dammit.


I meant to word it as "But I'm not involving a third party." I'm not sure why that's funny? It's kind of crazy to try and have a relationship with another person while your wife was pregnant and you were working toward reconciliation. It's crazy to involve a third party, period, nevermind trying to have some sort of relationship with while all this is going down. It's unfair to them, yourself and your spouse. 

As for the other comments. We last spoke today, he called me and we talked a lot time about pain/heartbreak, we talked about work, etc. I asked if he cared about this person and he didn't respond and instead changed the subject. I apologized for my mistakes and he listened, dubiously. Then he sent me some photos from back home. It was painful, but far less aggressive than his past interactions with me. I again asked him to leave my (though was once "our") home instead of taking off every weekend to go see her (time he could be using to move out), again, no response. He also refused to return the keys to the apartment here in NYC. Odd for a man who supposedly wants to move on and sever all ties. I get that he's confused, we both are, but dragging along another person just baffles me. I screwed up IRL once and stopped immediately -- I didn't drag it out. Seeing the damage and pain was enough to put me off and wake me up to what I was doing.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Sounds like you just don't want to accept fate. You continue to disagree with reality when in fact, reality never asked for your opinion.

You still try to compare your faults with your husband's. It's futile. There is no competition or justice being served here. You will never win. He won't either.

The only thing you should do at this point is to employ some logic and try to make the best of the situation. You have no other choice.


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## Rachellia (Jul 7, 2013)

synthetic said:


> Sounds like you just don't want to accept fate. You continue to disagree with reality when in fact, reality never asked for your opinion.
> 
> You still try to compare your faults with your husband's. It's futile. There is no competition or justice being served here. You will never win. He won't either.
> 
> The only thing you should do at this point is to employ some logic and try to make the best of the situation. You have no other choice.


I'm trying, I'm just deep in a sea of mourning for the man I've loved since I was a girl and for the child we had always talked of but will never have. I'm trying to surrender my control and accept that I'll likely never have the closure or the dialogue I so deeply desire...


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Rachellia said:


> I'm trying, I'm just deep in a sea of mourning for the man I've loved since I was a girl and for the child we had always talked of but will never have. I'm trying to surrender my control and accept that I'll likely never have the closure or the dialogue I so deeply desire...


I can totally understand your sadness, anger and anxiety. I've been going through it off and on for years. 

To accept and employ reality brings honesty to life. Honesty with self and others brings peace. Peace brings boredom. Boredom is really just excessive energy. If desired, it can be utilized to make life more meaningful.


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## Rachellia (Jul 7, 2013)

synthetic said:


> I can totally understand your sadness, anger and anxiety. I've been going through it off and on for years.
> 
> To accept and employ reality brings honesty to life. Honesty with self and others brings peace. Peace brings boredom. Boredom is really just excessive energy. If desired, it can be utilized to make life more meaningful.


I know this. In fact, I've already booked a trip to leave the country on my own at the end of the month. I'm going to wander a bit, have an adventure, remind myself that the world is bigger than my microcosm. And it will also give me time to really think about things -- to consider whether or not I ever would want to reconcile and what would be needed from both of us for that to take place. I just need some silence and time before that's clear to myself. 

It's hard when you come to realize that when you've been with someone so long from such an early age (I was 16, he was 25, we are now 30 and 39, respectively), the love for them you hold also carries with it a deeper and perhaps more dysfunctional layer -- they're not just your friend and lover, they're like your birth family. They've taught you to drive, they've seen you through major rites of passage, they've shaped who you grew up to become, they permeate every aspect of your adult life as you know it. And when they reject you, it's like a parent rejecting you.

I think that for me, when I cheated, though a large part of it was my terrible way of coping with the anger and substance abuse, another part was simply because I had never dated or been with other people -- I had never explored what it was to be a single adult or even teenager, and that curiosity combined with my hurt led to something terrible, unfair and painful.


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## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

Leave him. You still have time to have a life and have a baby if you want one later. You can move on. You are financing his life style - and probably that of the girlfriend.
Facilitate the divorce. Get it over with. Make him go. He is toxic and will not change. He is abusive. 
Stay in NYC where you are thriving. Meet people. Find someone who is kind to you and who wants to have a baby. Consider him leaving a gift from sweet baby jesus.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I can't believe the lack of reading comprehension on this forum. Jeez, if you can't be bothered to read and comprehend the post, why bother to reply?

Sorry, had to get that out. In my opinion, you're very lucky to be getting out before this guy kills you in a drunken rage. Did you ever press charges for any of the abuse? This guy needs to have a criminal record, because he's going to beat his next wife or girlfriend, and possibly his kids too, and it'd be nice if he had a record already. Or some jail time, to keep him from hurting or possibly killing the next woman. Can you talk to a lawyer and at find out the statute of limitations on pressing abuse charges?

Good for you for getting out. If it took an affair on your part to end it, I have noting but support for that. Please, please get into therapy so you don't end up with another abuser next time!! 

Also, you should read "women who love too much," "Codependent no more" and "Inside the minds of angry and controlling men," to gain insight into why you stayed with this guy for so long and avoid getting involved with another man like him.

Take care of yourself!!


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## Rachellia (Jul 7, 2013)

northernlights said:


> I can't believe the lack of reading comprehension on this forum. Jeez, if you can't be bothered to read and comprehend the post, why bother to reply?
> 
> Sorry, had to get that out. In my opinion, you're very lucky to be getting out before this guy kills you in a drunken rage. Did you ever press charges for any of the abuse? This guy needs to have a criminal record, because he's going to beat his next wife or girlfriend, and possibly his kids too, and it'd be nice if he had a record already. Or some jail time, to keep him from hurting or possibly killing the next woman. Can you talk to a lawyer and at find out the statute of limitations on pressing abuse charges?
> 
> ...


I never pressed charges, no. Partially because I didn't want him to lose his job and partly because I sometimes fought back hard enough to have charges pressed against me as well (once, when he was pinning me by my throat I struck him in the ear and made him permanently hearing-impaired on one side -- which is probably the most horrible thing I've ever done to another person). The other time the police came while here in NYC, he had already fled and they gave me two options: decline to press any charges OR he would be charged with felony battery -- and given his exceptionally unstable condition the fears of having that go through were twofold: he might seek retribution or, more likely, harm himself (I have found drafts of suicide letters in the past, which led to half-hearted attempts at medication and therapy which he mixed with alcohol). 

That said, thank you for this, it's truly a helpful reply. I've downloaded "Codependent No More" but I'll also check out the other books. I didn't expect sympathy for my transgression (which was a one-night stand rather than a prolonged affair), but there seemed to be little that was useful being directed at me save for by a few. This has helped, thank you again!


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Yes people should read a persons post and then comprehend what they are saying. You both seem to b pretty toxic for each other. Take the time to really look at what he is (drunk) and look at what you did by cheating. Yes he cheated but two wrong will never make a right. Look within and find strength to be a whole person by yourself. Evaluate your mistake and promise that you will never belittle yourself by cheating again. You can learn and take that into a new relationship. The one you are wanting will hurt you, be strong enough to release and learn. Often times its not what we learn but learn what is healthy and right. Abusive situations rarely change. It's hard to look at yourself and not close your eyes but do just that.....it the beginning to heal and respect yourself and others. Best wishes


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## Rachellia (Jul 7, 2013)

Tomara said:


> Yes people should read a persons post and then comprehend what they are saying. You both seem to b pretty toxic for each other. Take the time to really look at what he is (drunk) and look at what you did by cheating. Yes he cheated but two wrong will never make a right. Look within and find strength to be a whole person by yourself. Evaluate your mistake and promise that you will never belittle yourself by cheating again. You can learn and take that into a new relationship. The one you are wanting will hurt you, be strong enough to release and learn. Often times its not what we learn but learn what is healthy and right. Abusive situations rarely change. It's hard to look at yourself and not close your eyes but do just that.....it the beginning to heal and respect yourself and others. Best wishes


I did indeed evaluate why I cheated and how it was a toxic response to a toxic situation. I think, however, my guilt over it led to my being more accepting of the abuse when I shouldn't have. That was a mistake I made after more than a decade of fidelity and I made it when I was weak and vulnerable and yes, I'm aware of how it devalued me. I'm coming to realize that part of my problem is that because I know I transgressed, I am very quick to forgive his -- despite the fact that the raging and abuse happened long before I ever screwed up. I think, in the back of my mind, I was thinking that I had "caused" this in him by hurting him. It's a fine balance between understanding how wrong you were to do something and feeling so guilty that you allow yourself to go through Hell -- Even now it's difficult for me to point out how he has hurt me because in the back of my mind there's that voice that says "you have no right to complain, you've hurt him, too." And, on the flipside, there's also the voice that says "You stopped doing hurtful things and loving him better, why can't he just do the same and everything work out?"


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