# what to do?



## libra23 (Nov 20, 2007)

i recently seperated from my husband and started going trough the process of divorce: filed the paperwork, moved out, even started seeing someone else. it has been a lot of ups and downs. the days where my husband agreed to divorce and we could talk about it without shouting at each other were great. i felt happy and free. but those days were few and far between. to make a long drawn out story short, i broke up with the new guy, decided to give my husband another chance and moved back home. but now i don't know what to do, what to think, or how i even feel. my husband and i have been married 5 yrs and together for 8. i care for him deeply and feel like i spent most of our marriage making sure he was happy ok...so much so that i completely disregarded myself, my feelings, and what made me happy. now that i have moved home...he is trying so hard. we communicate much better now, and are going to marriage counseling. problem is...it isn't making a difference. i was so sure i wanted a divorce and felt so out of love with him that i am having a hard time finding those feelings. i love that he smiles at me now and that he is doing somewhat better. he used to tell me on a daily basis how miserable i was making him for leaving. basically, i now feel trapped. like how can i leave him now? he is a very emotional guy and is walking on egg shells that i will leave again...tells me everyday that he's so happy i am home. to make matters worse, i can't stop thinking about the guy i dated when we were seperated. help!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Love is not like a math problem, Love is what you let it be in your heart minf and soul.

The real quest is why the seperation to begin with? 

Was it just you felt unhappy?

Every new relationship starts out exciting, most fade into the mundane and you loss the spark for security. Do you think now your husband is in a spot to give you both?

draconis


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## libra23 (Nov 20, 2007)

we had a host of issues in our marriage and yes I was unhappy. miserable in fact. but our major issue was communication. there were a lot of things he/we did that made me unhappy that in most cases i just went along with cuz I loved him so much. i always gave in. i can make a long list of things he did wrong...but i honestly feel as though it was as much my fault as his. i should have let him know I was unhappy before i let it make me miserable and make me start withdrawing from our marriage. we were so close and i loved him so much. i think my main issue right now is simply forgiving myself? when i think of being intimate...i think of the guy i dated while we were seperated. and i can picture being intimate with him...yet not my husband? my husband and i had a slew of intimacy issues...he loved porn and i ended up deciding that i'd rather we explore that together. so we did...but then he wanted to use it everytime we were together. so much so that it was like we needed it...or at least i began to think we did. and he always assured me that i liked it and he was doing it for me. i should have said no lets not watch this, i don't really enjoy it. then we really started having problems, we went on a trip and he made being intimate the sole focus of the trip. all he talked about...and pressed the issue when we were in bed. which just left me feeling dirty and disgusted. he has anger problems...really short tempered and i would end up doing whatever i could to avoid that rage coming out in him. not that he ever physcially harmed me...ever. but would definitely punch holes in the wall...break things. 

most of all i am dealing with forgiving myself i think. i left the guy i was seeing as i felt incredibly guilty. i was seeing someone esle without being truely divorced from my husband. so essentially, i cheated on my husband. i remember not wanting his forgiveness. but he forgave me before it even happened. my husbands entire happiness seems to be dependent on me. and i can't do that. i know i need to be happy with myself first...that no one can make me happy. but how? i don't know how to be happy anymore. i just sometimes feel like i need a fresh start? Can i start fresh with him? Do i want too?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

In the end everything is for you to decide.

I think he should see someone about his anger issues because you have discribed verbal abuse. While most people do not change some can, most that do need help, period.

The only thing that is standing in your way is you. If you are wiping the slate clean for him do so for yourself.

What is the real attraction to the "other" guy?

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

This link may help explain what I mean with the verbal abuse.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/360-verbal-abuse-thesis.html

draconis


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## libra23 (Nov 20, 2007)

i think part of my attraction to the "other" guy is the fact that the slate is clean. i could just start over. we did have a ton in common...seemed to have the desires and wants. we had fun together and did new, different, exciting things. but my husband might want to have those and do those things too...if i told him what they were. trying to figure out why i don't want to give him that chance. i have been told that i am dwelling on the grass on the other side of the fence...that it's greener. but when i get to the other side...i will see its the same color as the side i am on.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Okay, here is the thing. You don't hold against the new guy the years you let yourself be unhappy with your husband. The fact of the matter is unless you compare them now without the back stuff your'll never see clear. You have eight years with your husband so you know the good and bad to expect. He is willing to communicate and change for you. You have made it over a hurdle many couples can't. But you beat yourself down for letting things get to where they are. People do change and you can change yourself. If you do not then you can just as easily bring that into any relationship you will ever have. If you give your husband another honest chance you could have every good thing you liked and more. The other guy while he has advantages there doesn't mean that when the mundane sets in the same problems will not come back.

I think you need to work on yourself first. Remember if things go sour again you can leave, you are strong enough that you did it before.

draconis


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## libra23 (Nov 20, 2007)

thanks draconis...u make sense!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You are very welcome and any time you need help there are many good people here willing to help.

draconis


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

Sometimes you have to look at love as a discipline, or secular devotion. Feelings change from day to day so if you don't think the man who is still your husband, is worthy of your devotion, making the discipline worthless, you should return to single life and never look back.


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## atula (Nov 6, 2007)

I have observed many times that woman when they get into a relationship..see love in a totally different way from what men do...they become totally dedicated to this one person and start changing there habits,life,likes,dislikes to match the man's taste...and all this is done without any regret as you are so in love...
But as soon as the relationship turns sour, woman first become upset, sulk and then feel pitty for themselves as to whgy they changed so much for this one man...When the cosolation period is over, woman become strong and are not really affected by any good things too done by that same man...
So your situation is in that state now...you did love your husband at one time but after the turmoil...it is becoming difficult for you to trust thi man..
What I can suggest is...just forget the past...forget everything he said or did to you, and start with a fresh mind, thinking that this is a new man you are dating or marrying, you have met him for the first time in your life...
do this with all your heart and then see what happens...see if the relationship becomes better than before or you are still unhappy...
Then it would be good to part ways...becoz ur husband too will not be appy if you are no more happy with him....


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## whattodo0 (Jan 17, 2008)

I feel for you, I really do. Im in a similar situation. I am trying so hard to make my marriage work, I know my husband needs me, and loves me, and I love him, but not like "that" anymore. I know that feeling change many times overa lifetime, but I also think that people are so very trained to think thats its wrong to want more. I too, am in love with someone else, and everytime I consider leaving my marriage for good, I talk myself out of it, I think "what am I doing??? Am I really gonna leave my husband, my life, to be with someone else???" It sounds ludacris. I also suffer from anxiety and its hard for me to be out of my comfort zone. 

But the truth is my marriage hasnt worked for a very long time.

I have also cut the other eprson off to focus on reconnecting with my husband, but its just not working. While Im content, secure and safe, Im not fulfilled or truly happy. Im hesiatant to move forward with even little, daily things bc I just feel like my marriage isnt going to last. We argue and consider divorce on a daily basis, and we've separated several times.

I know its hard, and trust me, Im looking for someone to tell me what to do, and that it'll be ok, but only we know. I guess only time will tell, and it will never be easy. But I wish you the best of luck, and trust me, you are not alone.


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## sarahdale24 (Feb 3, 2008)

Sounds like you need time for yourself. Maybe when you were seperated you could have taken time for yourself, not another guy. 

My advice: talk to your husband and let him understand that you aren't happy completly right now and that you need to think of yourself. Ask him for a little space, maybe even go out by yourself once a week, go to a spa or something, take a mini-vacation just you...work yourself out and then come back...if that works. If he gets mad then he doesn't respect you...


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