# my husband met up with escorts



## wife2him (Jan 30, 2013)

We have been married for almost 10 yrs now and just last wk I found out he has been using escort services for at least 6 times within the last yr. I discovered it thru cash withdrawals and cell phone bills. 
We have had issues in the past. Right before we got married I found out he called sex lines. Two yrs into marriage I found out he called and met up with girls on craigslist. And now this...
He always begged for forgiveness and said it wouldn't happen again. I believed him and 10 yrs later and 3 kids later we are back to the same problem.
He tells me that there is no sex involved and he only uses them for erotic massages with happy ending. I was devastated but I did choose to stay.
After this recent discovery, I was very upset but I was not shocked. Its obvious the problem never went away bc he never actively got down to the root of the problem. Okay we know that men have different view on sex. My husband thinks it is ok to someone to satisfy their sexual needs and come home and be a loving husband and father without any problems. 
I told him that I am filing for divorce. He begged me to take him back and he will do everything to be the husband I deserve. Well, I gave him chances to do that already and he failed me. 
I spoke with a counselor alone and she told me that our marriage was salvageable and wants us to see a sex therapist. 
But I'm at a point where I don't want to try to fix it. Maybe its because I don't love him anymore, I feel so betrayed, and I have no hope of our future.
We would do everything to make the divorce manageable. We will not be fighting over money or custody and will do what is best for our children. 
Am I wrong for not giving it another chance with a therapist this time? Am I cheating my kids out of having a mom and dad in the same household? I just feel so hurt and defeated and I don't want to continue on with this marriage.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You are doing the RIGHT THING.

Please read my story - link in my signature - my husband did similar things and I kicked him out on D day. He is a sex addict and yours may be too. but until he admits he has a problem and gets help, there is no hope for your marriage, and your children do NOT need to be exposed to him and the diseases he may be bringing home. Have you been STD tested?

That counselor is an ass for saying sex therapy could save your marriage. Your husband is a cheat and a liar. Sex between you and your husband has nothing to do with the problem.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

he continues doing these things because you "let" him do them... there have been no consequences each time he has done something. I hope you have reached the end of the line.

Also, if you forgave him this time and stayed married to him, could you ever have sex with him again thinking that his penis has been elsewhere? That he could be exposing you to an STD, maybe even AIDS?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

wife2him said:


> We have been married for almost 10 yrs now and just last wk I found out he has been using escort services for at least 6 times within the last yr. I discovered it thru cash withdrawals and cell phone bills.
> We have had issues in the past. Right before we got married I found out he called sex lines. Two yrs into marriage I found out he called and met up with girls on craigslist. And now this...
> He always begged for forgiveness and said it wouldn't happen again. I believed him and 10 yrs later and 3 kids later we are back to the same problem.
> *He tells me that there is no sex involved and he only uses them for erotic massages with happy ending.* I was devastated but I did choose to stay.
> ...


Say what. "Honey, there's no sex, she just grabs my wang until I ejaculate, in a totally non-sexual way. It's just for relaxation like any other massage". 

You are DEFINITELY RIGHT for not giving another chance.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

You are doing the right thing... Placating and Enabling allow bad behaviors to occur... Shine the light on the Darkness and Tough Love!


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## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

Sorry you are here. It sounds like you can afford it - divorce. It sounds like you have made up your mind. So, if you can afford it and you have child care - don't know how old they are or if you work or anything, but if you can take care of yourself and your children without being on the street then count yourself ahead of the game. It's too bad he thinks that what he has done is no big deal. I guess that's why he hid it from you - it was just no big deal. And happy endings? Please, you hire women for just HJ's over and over for years - DON'T THINK SO. But if you want to think so it may be better for your sanity. Good luck and good for you for getting your cards right and getting out.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I can't say if you are doing the right thing or not only you can!! For many guys variety in the sexual world is worth the risk. He's a cake eater it's hard to quit for some best of luck!!


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## wife2him (Jan 30, 2013)

Chris Taylor said:


> he continues doing these things because you "let" him do them... there have been no consequences each time he has done something. I hope you have reached the end of the line.
> 
> Also, if you forgave him this time and stayed married to him, could you ever have sex with him again thinking that his penis has been elsewhere? That he could be exposing you to an STD, maybe even AIDS?


I have an appt to get a full panel STD test done. We are not having sex anymore, if ever.


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## wife2him (Jan 30, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> You are doing the RIGHT THING.
> 
> Please read my story - link in my signature - my husband did similar things and I kicked him out on D day. He is a sex addict and yours may be too. but until he admits he has a problem and gets help, there is no hope for your marriage, and your children do NOT need to be exposed to him and the diseases he may be bringing home. Have you been STD tested?
> 
> That counselor is an ass for saying sex therapy could save your marriage. Your husband is a cheat and a liar. Sex between you and your husband has nothing to do with the problem.


Its amazing how far you have gone with your marriage. I hope it continues to be a happy one. I have thought of going down your path and going to counseling. Honestly, my behavior and action in our marriage has not been positive and may have contributed to his actions. Of course there is no acceptable excuse for what he has done. I pretty much fell out of love and his actions just gave me the justification to just end it all. I feel betrayed and defeated, and choosing recovery is not an easy. I will be speaking to another therapist before I file for divorce.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

wife2him said:


> *my behavior and action in our marriage has not been positive and may have contributed to his actions.*


Stop thinking that way. Therin lies madness. Your behaviour led to the marriage sucking, but did NOT lead to him cheating. Two TOTALLY separate things.

Here's a great book for you. I wish they'd called it something different though, because it is not only for spouses of sex addicts - most of it applies to ANYone who has been cheated on.

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal: Barbara Steffens, Marsha Means: 9780882823096: Amazon.com: Books


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## GottaKnow (Jan 19, 2013)

wife2him said:


> We have been married for almost 10 yrs now and just last wk I found out he has been using escort services for at least 6 times within the last yr. I discovered it thru cash withdrawals and cell phone bills.
> We have had issues in the past. Right before we got married I found out he called sex lines. Two yrs into marriage I found out he called and met up with girls on craigslist. And now this...
> He always begged for forgiveness and said it wouldn't happen again. I believed him and 10 yrs later and 3 kids later we are back to the same problem.
> He tells me that there is no sex involved and he only uses them for erotic massages with happy ending. I was devastated but I did choose to stay.
> ...


I am going through the same thing you are. I have been to IC and realized that I have traits of codependency. When my counselor told me this I was offended at first because I am very independent. She said, "you put up with more than 5 minutes of abuse...you're codependent". That got my attention. I don't have all of the traits but basically I sacrifice my own emotional well being to help steward change of others versus set up boundaries and stick to them. After finding evidence of my husband hiring escorts and using a married cheaters site (to meet other married people and have affairs) I realized that this has crossed my boundaries. I am standing strong and pursuing a divorce. Codependent no more!

You are not responsible for his behavior. He is responsible. You are responsible for yourself. When you are in a better environment you will be happier and true to yourself. Your children will be ok. They will adjust, especially when mom is happy. Stand tall. Set your boundaries. Stick to them.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

GottaKnow said:


> I am going through the same thing you are. I have been to IC and realized that I have traits of codependency. When my counselor told me this I was offended at first because I am very independent. She said, "you put up with more than 5 minutes of abuse...you're codependent". That got my attention. I don't have all of the traits but basically I sacrifice my own emotional well being to help steward change of others versus set up boundaries and stick to them. After finding evidence of my husband hiring escorts and using a married cheaters site (to meet other married people and have affairs) I realized that this has crossed my boundaries. I am standing strong and pursuing a divorce. Codependent no more!
> 
> You are not responsible for his behavior. He is responsible. You are responsible for yourself. When you are in a better environment you will be happier and true to yourself. Your children will be ok. They will adjust, especially when mom is happy. Stand tall. Set your boundaries. Stick to them.


You should read the book I linked to above. I think the label codependent is vastly overused when it comes to spouses of cheaters. That book addresses that.

And good for you for standing up for yourself


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## wife2him (Jan 30, 2013)

[ He is responsible. You are responsible for yourself. When you are in a better environment you will be happier and true to yourself. Your children will be ok. They will adjust, especially when mom is happy. Stand tall. Set your boundaries. Stick to them.[/QUOTE]

Thank you, I needed the confirmation that I did not drive him to this. He has admitted that he has a sex addiction. I did some research on sex addicts and he fits the description. Knowing where the problem roots from doesn't justify his actions nor lessens the damages done.
I am considering divorce up to this point, but I want to be 150% sure. It is so hard because now I know he has a condition and maybe we can go to therapy for it. I am definitely a codependent.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wife2him said:


> We have been married for almost 10 yrs now and just last wk I found out he has been using escort services for at least 6 times within the last yr. I discovered it thru cash withdrawals and cell phone bills.
> We have had issues in the past. Right before we got married I found out he called sex lines. Two yrs into marriage I found out he called and met up with girls on craigslist. And now this...
> He always begged for forgiveness and said it wouldn't happen again. I believed him and 10 yrs later and 3 kids later we are back to the same problem.
> He tells me that there is no sex involved and he only uses them for erotic massages with happy ending. I was devastated but I did choose to stay.
> ...


Actually, I think you'll find it was your husband who cheated your kids. Not you.


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## wife2him (Jan 30, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> *He is a sex addict and yours may be too. *but until he admits he has a problem and gets help, there is no hope for your marriage, and your children do NOT need to be exposed to him and the diseases he may be bringing home.
> 
> So my counselor sent him a survey to complete, and the result, he is a sex addict. I did some research on sex addicts, and he fits the description. The problem has escalated over the years, and now I don't know if treatment will bring recovery. I am so weak right now it just feels better to bail out of my marriage. Its so hard to find out he did all these things to destroy our marriage, and knowing what lead him to it makes me more upset. It was logical to leave when I discovered he used the escorts and now that I know he has sex addiction I feel an obligation to help him to save the marriage. I don't want to be a codependent.


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## alphabravo (Feb 4, 2013)

I wonder what it is that turns normal, confident and healthy men into sex starved addicts once they are married for 5-10 years? They certainly don't start out that way, it just seems to creep up once marriage hits and it certainly escalates after the first kids start showing up.

Just remember you have nothing to do with his sexual needs. What goes on in his head, his fantasies and all the other sick stuff is all about him. 

You are in fact lucky in a way that he has been ashamed to share any of this with you and instead just felt it would be easier to pay someone for sex or have an affair.

You are better off alone and the kids are better off without a father since he is the one who brought all of this on and for whatever reason didn't feel comfortable enough with his own wife to share it with her.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You have to live your life, not his. You are not responsible for his healing. You can help and support him, but you don't have to decide to live with this out of obligation.

Ask yourself what you want your future to look like. Do the best thing for you and your children.


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## wife2him (Jan 30, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> You have to live your life, not his. You are not responsible for his healing. You can help and support him, but you don't have to decide to live with this out of obligation.
> 
> Ask yourself what you want your future to look like. Do the best thing for you and your children.


It is a very difficult decision, but I know deep down inside I want a divorce. I stayed with him in the past with the hope that our future would be different, but he has definitely proven me wrong.


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## Tomlongisland (Feb 4, 2013)

I am a husband that went to escorts. There was no excuse. Yes there were issues in the marriage but my behavior was destructive. During the problems in marriage my wife really wouldn't address the problems in the marriage. i was not happy, she was. Eventually she found out that I saw escorts and was watching pom. I will say the porn encouraged more sexually acting out with me. It was a release. I needed a release at the time but didn't know how to get it. I dont drink or do drugs. Life was a pressure cooker. I did see a therapist but I had a hard time being hones so it really wasn't helpful. Eventually, the only help was when I was completely honest with my wife and started to see a therapist and was completely honest with him. There were snags along the way. Ups and downs. It was compounded by my wife having not a physical but an emotional affair with someone. It was hard. It was only when we both made a commit to make the marriage work and address our problem that things got better. Frist, honestly is a must. Everyone must come clean. Second, look ahead not back. Third, individual and marriage counseling a must. Fourth, no porn at all. Fifth, no secrets. One computer in house with no blocking. Leave cell phones so you both can see calls. There can be nothing to hide. There will be ups and downs. Only a long term commitment will save the marriage


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You need to get into a 12 step group and some therapy.

Please have a look thru the link in my signature for help - all that info is listed there. You should see a CSAT. You are placing far too much blame on yourself.

Have you been STD tested?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

alphabravo said:


> I wonder what it is that turns normal, confident and healthy men into sex starved addicts once they are married for 5-10 years?


My husband was a sex addict from a young age. Pretty much from the time he looked at his first porn magazine. It became his go-to thing to indulge in when he was stressed.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> My husband was a sex addict from a young age. Pretty much from the time he looked at his first porn magazine. It became his go-to thing to indulge in when he was stressed.


It's like any addiction. It requires control, control of passions. My 2 cents, from a sex addict, it takes practice and due diligence to always keep it in check. Now, just because I am a sex addict does not mean I will cheat. He has escorts/massages because it is exciting, different and always with new girls (I assume) and would rather get his jollies off and ask for forgiveness later instead of addressing his needs with you first. 

Sure it'd be great to do that but in all reality it isn't worth it, not when you're married, the cons outweigh the pros. I'd prefer to get be served at home.


State to him that you have had enough of him and his side jollies. If he isn't man enough to keep it to himself when you are not around then he isn't man enough for you!

I'd say pull a

The Healing Heart: The 180 


If a spouse cannot tone down to the other's lack of drive than that high drive spouse should make the best of when they are intimate. A little dose here and there from the low drive to keep the beast at bay and throwing little "crumbs" to the low drive to bait them in, if you know what I mean, should work.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

wife2him said:


> We have been married for almost 10 yrs now and just last wk I found out he has been using escort services for at least 6 times within the last yr. I discovered it thru cash withdrawals and cell phone bills.
> We have had issues in the past. Right before we got married I found out he called sex lines. Two yrs into marriage I found out he called and met up with girls on craigslist. And now this...
> He always begged for forgiveness and said it wouldn't happen again. I believed him and 10 yrs later and 3 kids later we are back to the same problem.
> He tells me that there is no sex involved and he only uses them for erotic massages with happy ending. I was devastated but I did choose to stay.
> ...




I chose to stay as well after finding my husband was going for happy endings. I believe it has ended now for good, but who really knows.

It's been 2 years, and it has gotten better but the resentment and commitment to my marriage has changed drastically. I will never look at him as the same person again. So sad.


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## wife2him (Jan 30, 2013)

confused55 said:


> I chose to stay as well after finding my husband was going for happy endings. I believe it has ended now for good, but who really knows.
> 
> It's been 2 years, and it has gotten better but the resentment and commitment to my marriage has changed drastically. I will never look at him as the same person again. So sad.


You are a strong woman for not breaking up your marriage. Do you have kids? Did you go to counseling? I have my good and bad days...on the good days I feel like I can fight this and make our marriage wrk and on the bad days I wanna just say screw him for being selfish and destroying me and our marriage. I know exactly what you mean when you say you can't look at him as the same person again. Thank you for sharing and making me feel like I'm not alone.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

confused55 said:


> I chose to stay as well after finding my husband was going for happy endings. I believe it has ended now for good, *but who really knows*.
> 
> It's been 2 years, and it has gotten better but the resentment and commitment to my marriage has changed drastically. I will never look at him as the same person again. So sad.


"Who really knows"?? In my opinion, if you aren't pretty darned sure he isn't still acting out, and he isn't proving to you every day that he ISN'T acting out, you're doomed. Why would you stay?

Our relationship is so much better today than it was for years before D day. We both used the experience to better ourselves. It can't work any other way. You BOTH have to do that. If you aren't both committed to it, why stay together??


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

wife2him said:


> You are a strong woman for not breaking up your marriage. Do you have kids? Did you go to counseling? I have my good and bad days...on the good days I feel like I can fight this and make our marriage wrk and on the bad days I wanna just say screw him for being selfish and destroying me and our marriage. I know exactly what you mean when you say you can't look at him as the same person again. Thank you for sharing and making me feel like I'm not alone.


Have you looked at the links in my signature?

What is HE doing through all of this? Is he willing to serve you his balls on a silver platter right now?

You are NOT obligated to do a damned thing. HE is. And if he won't do it, end it. There is no other way. Believing you can 'save' an addict is like believing in the tooth fairy. It's all a lie.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The sex addict label may serve as explanation for what he is doing, but what you have to live with is the fact that your husband of many years has been having sex with other women - probably lots of it. I doubt you have anywhere near the truth of it.

That is the bottom line of what you will be facing. Is that what you want?


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## wife2him (Jan 30, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Have you looked at the links in my signature?
> 
> What is HE doing through all of this? Is he willing to serve you his balls on a silver platter right now?
> 
> You are NOT obligated to do a damned thing. HE is. And if he won't do it, end it. There is no other way. Believing you can 'save' an addict is like believing in the tooth fairy. It's all a lie.


He is showing remorse in the aftermath. He is begging me for forgiveness and does not want our marriage to end. He has written me a letter bc I won't give him a chance to speak to me. We still live in the same house bc we have 3 young children who looks to him as a hero. They are too young to understand and I can't hurt them by kicking him out. 
I have gone to IC to help me sort out my thought. We have also gone to MC and he agrees to IC and MC. 
I understand that it is a condition that has no cure but we can wrk at managing it. 
I have visited your threads and will look into some of the recommended readings.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

you are doing the right thing leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

alphabravo said:


> I wonder what it is that turns normal, confident and healthy men into sex starved addicts once they are married for 5-10 years? They certainly don't start out that way, it just seems to creep up once marriage hits and it certainly escalates after the first kids start showing up.
> 
> Just remember you have nothing to do with his sexual needs. What goes on in his head, his fantasies and all the other sick stuff is all about him.
> 
> ...


Men will always have the desire to spread their seed, that combined with abundant amounts of testosterone. How could any sane man possibly only limit himself to 1 woman? When you can have other women on the side, and have your emotional/relationship needs met by your wife along with sex with her, but sex with other women as well.


What do you do if a woman comes onto you and she is attractive? Do you honestly let that go to waste?



That is the thinking of some people. While it does make sense is it right or worth the cost of a marriage? If two people truly love each other why destroy that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

wife2him said:


> You are a strong woman for not breaking up your marriage. Do you have kids? Did you go to counseling? I have my good and bad days...on the good days I feel like I can fight this and make our marriage wrk and on the bad days I wanna just say screw him for being selfish and destroying me and our marriage. I know exactly what you mean when you say you can't look at him as the same person again. Thank you for sharing and making me feel like I'm not alone.


Yes, we have 2 grown kids and we both went for counselling which helped at the time.

I feel it doesn't matter what you do, the damage cannot be undone, so you live with it. As for the future, I used to think we would be together forever, but now who really knows what will happen.

My husband is retiring in 2 years, and I can't really think too much past that time as far as plans go because I don't know how I will feel at that time.

hope - I do not believe my husband is doing anything wrong now, but you don't either with your husband. They can always be doing something, somewhere if they really want to without you knowing no matter what you try to tell yourself. It's just realistic.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

confused55 said:


> hope - I do not believe my husband is doing anything wrong now, but you don't either with your husband. They can always be doing something, somewhere if they really want to without you knowing no matter what you try to tell yourself. It's just realistic.


The difference is that my husband has taken many steps to get help. What has yours done?

I will reiterate:
"Who really knows"?? In my opinion, if you aren't pretty darned sure he isn't still acting out, and he isn't proving to you every day that he ISN'T acting out, you're doomed. Why would you stay?

Our relationship is so much better today than it was for years before D day. We both used the experience to better ourselves. It can't work any other way. You BOTH have to do that. If you aren't both committed to it, why stay together??


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