# A boundary question about wife



## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

So, looking back into my marriage and looking for some feedback on situations that have happened over the years and seeing if I handled them correctly.

So

A few years back my wives x husband was in our state doing a 100 mile horse race. When they were together they did these and it was a part of their lives. I know the wife/X email once in a blue moon about how he/she is, a new dog or horse questions.

Turns out they (my wife and her X) decided to do a 100 mile race in our state. They needed a crew to basically drive the truck/trailers to the 50 mile mark and then to the pick them up at the finish.


So my question....

Would you say that is unacceptable, let her do it but not be involved, or suck it up and not say a word but do it?

Is this a boundary situation?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

She has no business doing things with her ex.

Some guys might be ok with it.

I sure as heck wouldn't be.

Especially if she didn't even have the decency and consideration to ask me first.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I wonder why you are only bringing this up now, a few years later. What's going on now?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

lenzi said:


> She has no business doing things with her ex.
> 
> Some guys might be ok with it.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

For me this would be over the line. Unacceptable.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

Minncouple said:


> Would you say that is unacceptable, let her do it but not be involved, or suck it up and not say a word but do it?
> 
> Is this a boundary situation?


Of course it is unacceptable, did she consult in any way with you about how you felt? Would she feel it is okay if you and a ex went out and did things together?

This is clearly a trust issue, is she keeping you in the loop when ever he contacts her. Having controlling behavior is one thing but she is your wife and you have a right to know. 

I was never great on setting boundaries. That is something that is just understood in a relationship. Clearly by you asking this question it is out of your comfort zone.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

One more important question...
What was the main reason for the break up.
Was there infidelity involved.


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## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

Thanks for the responses.

We are not divorced or broken up, simply a touch patch I am trying (with limited or no help from the wife) to work through.

Having just read NMMNG and MMSL, I am reviewing situations of my past and seeing if I handled them correctly or the best I could.

I chewed on this for about a week during our vacation, really put a damper on my love for my wife during the one week a year I get to forget my career and daily stresses. It really hurt me and did shake my thoughts that I had a solid as a rock marriage.

As we were driving home, it came up. I said, I am not comfortable with it, and don't think it is acceptable. It is also demeaning to me to be a third wheel or the water boy for her and her X. I also said, that I will not ever tell her what she can and cant do, she can do want see wants and she needs to decide for herself.

So, a few days later it was brought up that she was just too busy and didn't feel up the to task of riding/running 100 miles so she backed out of it.

Now, I take her excuse as simply a scapegoat. She didn't have the balls to tell me she saw it my way, or didn't want to push me over the line. Thus, easier to make up an excuse.

I guess looking back, I want to know if I handled it correctly or not.

I also still feel hurt that she would even have the idea I would be OK with this. I think that says a lot about her character to me. I wouldn't even fathom this would be ok, yet somehow she did think it was ok at first. Should I give her the benefit of the doubt that she just wasn't thinking clearly.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

First of all, I think it was valid, understandable, natural, and normal to feel the way you did. Each couple is free to work out how they want to deal with relations with exes, people of the opposite sex, etc., but it's pretty standard for a spouse in most circumstances to not like their spouse to continue to be close with an ex. 

I also completely agree with you about feeling like the "third wheel" or "water boy" for your wife and her ex. Why would you want that? I once had a girlfriend who had a pattern of bringing her current boyfriends to things that her exes were involved in. She did it to me, and then she did it to a subsequent boyfriend down the road by bringing him to a show that my band played. I find it a little sick, but in any case it's not acceptable. 

I also think you read her right - she did ultimately go along with your way, but something kept her from fully taking your side. Maybe she didn't *really* want to give up the event so she was making up an excuse, because she was really doing it to appease you but resented having to give it up.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just read your other thread. All this and sex issues too? I would suspect infidelity.

No way in hell my wife would be getting comfy with an X. We do things together now. Her time with an x is over.

Your wife is disrespectful and contemptuous of you at least and having an affair at worst.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

It sounds like you handled it correctly by telling her your feelings and making it clear that it was not ok with you, other than the fact that it would be even better to tell her sooner instead of stew over it for a week. The question is why this lingers so many years later though -- is this kind of thing still a problem in your marriage?


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## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

John - Of she resented giving it up, that's the bigger problem in my book. That would be grounds for dismissal or a serious come to jesus meeting with her.

Like I mentioned, juts finished reading a few books and looking back on a few situations to see/define if I handled it correctly or was part of the problem.

Conan - The only sex issue we have is we are completely different in our needs/desires. I guess when your 23 you have a different set of needs than you do at 43. Really don't think she is cheating, did a little research on that and did see anything suspicious.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Minncouple said:


> So, looking back into my marriage and looking for some feedback on situations that have happened over the years and seeing if I handled them correctly.
> 
> So
> 
> ...


This seems to be a boundary issue for you so therefore it is. Communicate that this is not ok with you at all


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Minncouple said:


> John - Of she resented giving it up, that's the bigger problem in my book. That would be grounds for dismissal or a serious come to jesus meeting with her.


You can't dismiss her or have a come to jesus meeting with her over something like that when it happened several years ago.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

Absamother#$%^inglutely way over any reasonable boundries. 

There are way to many risk factors that would come into play. My wife would go batty over this for good reason too.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Always put the shoe on the other foot in these situations. If it were you ex, would your wife have a problem with it?


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

Okay, just chiming in here, but it seems to me that you want to revive a dead horse just to beat it to death again.. 

You told her you were uncomfortable.. She, granted, made an excuse, instead of telling her X that you were uncomfortable with the idea (could she have been protecting you? not physically of course, but that so X wouldn't demean you or your relationship?), but.. 

She ultimately did not go. 

So. A few years ago, you told her you were uncomfortable. She decided not to go. And now you want to know what her reasoning was, so you can decide if you are mad still or not?

Does she seem to hold resentment about missing that trip? If not, then I would let this go. Don't go borrowing trouble when you have other trouble at hand it seems..


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

i would not entertain this for a minute.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Different strokes I suppose ...

I don't think this nearly rises to the level of flagrant disrespect, or infidelity.

I do however see it as an opportunity to CLEARLY discuss boundaries.

I don't think it's uncommon for someone to want to pursue a passion of theirs, and do so with someone who shares that same passion ... regardless of who they are.

In other words, I don't presuppose that she wants to boff her ex because they both like these events.

I think you handled it like a champ.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Agreed with above.


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## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

Thanks for the additional responses.

Please note...... I am not rehashing this situation. If you read my post it states that.

I just finished the NMMNG and MMSL, and simply trying to help myself identify if I handled the situation the best I could.

Thanks again


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