# Wife's low sex drive, I need help!!



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My wife and I were married in 1999 and right away, she already had a low sex drive. Now she is a larger women, not huge, but very insecure about her size. Whenever I initiate sex, she usually says I'm not in the mood, maybe tomorrow, you just got it a few days ago, etc. 

It's been like this to present day and I was a skinny guy with glasses but now from weight training and laser eye surgery, I am about 230 lbs with close to 20/20 vision. My wife has gained to almost the same size as me. I'm 6ft 2 and she's 5ft 8. I've never called her fat but she knows she has to lose alot of weight at this point. Lots of talk, sweeping it under the rug and nothing happens.

I've done the chatting sites with many hot women because I'm lonely in that regard but I went cold turkey many years ago. I don't go to the bars, pubs, strip clubs, nothing and not even the beach.

I am 39 years old but the guys at the shop say I look young and about 30. This is due to the weight training and eating healthy over the years. I've had women in their early 20's interested to 40's. All of them take care of themselves and look great and sexy.

I take care of myself for my wife, marriage and health. You'd think she's want sex a lot more, but no difference on her part.

I've tried cuddling on the couch after work and holding her, listening to her day at work. Nothing changes sex wise.


At this point, I am thinking we are sexually incompatible and I probably would of never married her a second time around. I am so sexually starved, it's not funny.

I like to talk dirty, watch movies, always different times and positions and places, try new things. She only wants it in the bedroom, lights out and either doggie, spoon or I'm on top. I love oral sex but she would rather use her hand for far too long with little oral sex afterwards.


I need serious help, please!!!!!! Is this normal for a marriage? We have no kids yet and no medical conditions either.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Some other points I should mention.

I would love to try anal with her. nope. I like her feet because they're very soft, nope. I would love her to do 69 and she's on top or I'm on top, nope. I love to go down on her but always says nope. Sometimes when we do have sex, she cuddles up to me, starts kissing my neck, her hand......and falls asleep!!! That's happened quite a few times and really got me extremely angry!!!!!!
Right now, its been about 2 weeks again of no sex, so we don't talk or do much together and live our separate lives. Then when she notices we are having marriage issues, now she wants sex but never more than once at a time though. It's almost like sex is a chore to her, not that important or enjoyable to her?! To me, 50% why I got married was the physicality and sex, otherwise, we're just friends, room mates and why get married?
Women don't see this as an issue but what about their man's view and is she taking care of his needs?

I'm really in the mood because its been 2 weeks but she is now watching tv, talk on the phone with her parents and sister every day and surf's the net with her laptop.


What to do?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

And I'm the type of guy who would love to be with her in the shower before we got to work, nope. Never been in the bathroom together ever.

I would love to go down on her while she was asleep and she wakes up, climaxes and then goes back to sleep. She would freak out if I ever did that but I would love that to happen to me, never has happened.

I don't know at this point. We are in our 30's and money isn't an issue because we both work full time jobs. We never fight about money by the way and we both have our own cars, so no fighting about not being able to go out.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

What to do? Start with canceling Internet. Tell her she's abusing the Internet time and neglecting her marriage. Get in her face. Stop complaining behind her back.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

We'll canceling the internet is out of the question because of paying bills online, contact with the strata management company, friends and family that live out of the city and country. That's not realistic in today's day and age.

She's not abusing the internet being on too long. I would say normal usage.

We've had talks about this and she just gets upset and cries and the end result is no change. I've changed a lot, so why can't she? Life is full of learning and change, right?

This is my first marriage forum I've subscribed to by the way......great first response, thx.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Stamps.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm being facetious but I do think getting in her face and laying down the law is what's called for here.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As far as I can tell, you never specify what "low drive" is. Is that once a week? Once a month? Once a year?

Have you guys ever tried counselling? 

You could try the "Married Mans Sex Life". But it may be time to set your boundaries about what's acceptable. To me, sex and intimacy are an integral part of a marriage. As you said, if you don't have those, you have a friend and roommate, not a spouse.

I ended up leaving my 17 year marriage, and the lack of sex was a big part of it. But an even bigger part was her unwillingness to make any attempt to work on what I saw as our issues. If she had issues (that caused her to avoid intimacy or otherwise), she refused to raise them, even in our "last chance" counselling sessions.

Good luck!

C


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## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

Hey OP,

You are not alone. In fact, I'm 39 as well. We _do_ have kids though (2), and they are pretty young still. For a long time I believed my wife's BS about, "All women lose their drive after kids, they take a lot out of you physically, and I can't be a 'sexy mom,' my body's not the same and you'll be disappointed, etc." Not anymore. I just picked up the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" at the library and am starting to read it, based on many recommendations from this site. I've catered to her for too long and made her life way too comfortable. We both work, so we _are_ quite busy, but I do more than my share around the house. I look at my married buddies and they don't do a fraction of what I do around teh house, for their kids, for their wives... She's grown accustomed to having the things that she wants because I'm essentially held hostage for sex. Now, I don't think she's done this purposefully, or that it's even a conscious effort on her part, but it's the stage that I've set by being too dang "nice" all the time.

We did the whole counseling bit, but she only heard what she wanted to hear. I'm not anti-counseling at all, but I think she was so closed off to what she needed to hear that it was sort of a lost cause. I did find out some historical issues that were blocking her ability to sexually engage with me adequately, but she continues to avoid those issues and our sex life too. I can't conquer that stuff for her - she needs to take responsibility for the part of her life that is broken. I'd be happy to do it for her - in fact, I feel I am right now by giving up my "nice guy" traits. 

I don't know all the answers (yet), but I do know there are answers, and one of them is that our wives need to know that this is not just a man's problem! It is their problem too because we are in this together. Up until now it's been my problem. No more!!! There is nothing in the world wrong with desiring your wife, wanting to please her, going down on her, showering with her, being naughty with her, etc. Nothing wrong at all. The problem is primarily hers, and if she can't understand it based upon the things you_ say _to her, then change the things you _do_. Her life needs to be uncomfortable for a while. 

I'm sick and tired of being the victim. Join me?

You are not alone!


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

^^^ great post... I don't know anything about the book you're reading but I hope it gets you the results you're looking for. Good luck!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I think you're right about having that serious talk and laying down the law. I hope this gets her to take care of herself and get a healthy sex drive or it may lead to a divorce. That thought in itself is a scary one......

My sex drive at times is 3 or more times a day, or just once a day or maybe once every 2nd day. It all depends on the day and situation. Up to my wife, maybe 2 times each month. I have no problems making a compromise, so maybe 3 - 4 times each week, say every 2nd day? But once every 2 weeks, rather be single and I am disgusted with myself for checking out porn and relieving myself.

I have no problems with marriage sex counseling but only if there is real change and not just more talk.

I too do way more than my share around the house, especially outside. So my wife just pitches in by paying her fare share.

I will try and change things more but I do think she has got very comfortable in our marriage.......too bad there wasn't a way to find out if you're sexually a match before you got married. Only high sex drive couples get married and only low sex drive couples get married, etc.


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

See I think the big deal is that husbands that grow through these things because they are not phases, they want more action a less talking. I can't say for sure if I am in your boat or not. My W wants to change and I can see that. No, sex hasn't changed for us even after counseling. We haven't had an increase in frequency, probably low since she's going through personal issues. Now for me, I am trying every outlet I can. I don't want to walk away because it will hurt the next man she is with if this isn't resolved and vice versa for me with the next woman. Cant tell me much on counseling, she's opening up but not to the extent I need. I'd love for her to say "I have no sexual desire for you because of X, Y, and Z". Atleast then I could no what I need to attack in order to make things right.

In that regards, I tried some other outlets. Check out a movie called Fireproof. Excellent movie and if you have Netflix its available online right now. I myself have started the 40 day love dare, google it for more information. On top of that, I downloaded some apps on my android. Theres the Love Challenge (great app), 30 day relationship test (seems legit), and marriage builders radio. Of course if you have been to marriage builders.com then you know about the authors books (his needs, her needs. love busters, and theres another can't remember....). Great site to check out. Anyway. With the love challenge app, its great if both you and your spouse do it. Its made up of 30 questions and at the end of the test, its list in order your 5 love language needs. For example from highest need to lowest, mine was Physical Touch, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, ;Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts. Hers was Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, and Physical Touch last. Finding this out, it made realize at this point in time Im wasting my energy trying to be physical with her or supply gifts. Peoples needs change daily but the goal is to meet the in priority. I know hands down I could meet her needs for physical touch, giving gifts, and quality time now that I don't have a second job anymore. You just have to find out what she wants, her needs because you might be going about it way that you will never be on the winning end of things.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

CB,

You married her knowing she was low drive. Did you expect her to change?

The change you usually see from dating to marriage is typically a high drive spouse becomes LD after marriage. Many here refer to it as a "bait and switch" but that's not what happened in your case

Try to do the counseling route and see what happens. You're still young so you can move on easily

And for God's sake, wear a condom when you do have sex. Do Not drag kids in to this if this marriage is headed towards the rocks


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## smithcarloso (Nov 26, 2012)

Get in her face. Stop complaining behind her back.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

I would be ecstatic at 2 times a month as opposed to about 2 times ever 6 months. I will say however that it sounds like you are really high drive to a woman who is a little below normal. So from her perspective she probably sees your desires as a huge chore. To go from a bit below normal to above normal. Your compromise of 3-4 times a week is still above normal since normal is about 1-2 times a week. You want to compromise to a place that is almost twice the norm. I understand you do things around the house but women don't see that as a contribution to a healthy sex lif. They see romancing as a healthy contribution. So it seems that to be fair you should go and find out what normal romancing is then double it to meet her needs in order to justifiably ask for that compromise. To get your ideal which is multiple times the norm then romance her every other night of the week - that means plan nice things, dinners etc without the expectation of sex in return. That's what a woman generally sees as romantic. Doing things that show her you love her romatically!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Knock off the porn. You're making your situation worse because you're training your mind by feeding it unrealistic information regarding sex. It aint a carnival and isn't supposed to be. It's about intimacy, not being a trapeze artist and not about what someone looks like. Checking out porn isn't getting you more intimacy or more sex. Very likely, it's making your wife feel even more inadequate and hopeless. I believe I'd start by changing that which was within my control (cutting out the porn and increasing the spooning, cuddling, etc, that your wife actually is up for). Next, if once every couple weeks is a deal-breaker for you, then flat out tell her so and mean it. Find a number you can live with and let that be your goal. You can build a whole lot of intimacy without ever going near the bedroom. Take her for evening walks (she could use the exercise anyway). Touch her frequently without hitting her up for sex. If you're being a doormat, quit. Lots of women try to play the boss but they really can't abide a wimpy guy.
Hiding in a darkened room looking at porn makes you look weak and pathetic. Would .007, John Wayne, or Clint Eastwood waste time and money on such a fruitless activity?


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Does she enjoy it when you do get together?


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

thank goodness you don't have kids because it's not looking good for this marriage. you are too unhappy to accept that this is the way life will be. your resentment will continue to grow. you sound incompatible. it doesn't even sound like it's your wife's weight, since she was LD before the marriage. is there anything you can possibly do to turn her on? does she have a LD because sex is boring? do you need to make it more exciting for her?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Fireproof, I will download it tonight, thx.

I didn't expect her to change in leaps and bounds but at least change in some aspects over the many years, little steps over years equals big steps in the long run. If I can do it, she can do it.

We have no kids yet and she is on the birth control.

The minimum I can go for sex every week is 3 or 4 times. Then I never get stressed from work and life, I don't crave the sex and no porn whatsoever.

The porn isn't an addiction, its more like only when I'm really badly uncontrollably in the mood, maybe 1 - 2 times each month.

We both work full jobs / careers. She loves to watch her tv and chat on the phone and use her laptop after work. I am waiting on the couch to cuddle with her (no sex) and she usually just wants to do her own thing and have space. If I initiate sex while cuddling, I get this look, really? So I don't initiate sex much anymore and have pretty much given up.

She is a big girl and insecure about her size but has done nothing about this. It's a vicious circle, insecure, low sex drive, etc, talks about it, does nothing......insecure, low sex drive, etc. talks about it, does nothing.............etc.

It's very frustrating!!!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I just started watching "FireProof" and my and wife and I have never been in a fight even close to that bad nor have I treated her like that either, in the first 11 minutes of the movie. We haven't had issues that bad ever!!! I'm the one who puts out unlit candles in the bedroom on my night stand and in the kitchen area. Or I have a special dinner ordered for her after work as a surprise. I always do the dishes, empty the dish washer, cat litter, garbages, recycling, out landscaping, and all she has to do is come home from work, and relax.

Continuing to watch the movie..........will update.


25 minutes in.........I can relate, since I am a God fearing Christian man but my wife isn't. Her mom is God fearing but her Dad is an atheist. So my wife has always been in the middle on the fence and more politically correct and not to offend either side. But I don't force my faith on her nor do I preach to her either, so that's not the issue.


Looks like Kirk in the movie is trying to do the right thing and she is "nope", not trying........it's supposed to be 50 / 50 and not one sided.


I also failed by chatting with dozens of hot women during the first few years of our marriage because my wife was never in the mood, maybe tomorrow, you just had it a few days ago, etc. I told her, I will give this all up and I did but I need physical attention, I'm lonely and starved. At first the sex was there, but soon afterwards, its back to the once every 2+ weeks again. I did the right thing but no change on her part........


Excellent movie and a real eye opener, thx!!!!

It looks like the guy "Kirk" did all the work, tried and changed, didn't see anyone but his wife did basically nothing of equivalence in return and was sorta seeing the Doctor, who also was married (never wore his wedding ring) and his marriage is on the rocks. She should of tried and done something..........my wife would make this chick look like crap in comparison. 

I think I will ask her if she wants to go to the gym with me, together?! Maybe that would help?


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

To the OP...I posted this in another thread but fits here too

My wife finds semen disgusting, doesn't like touching me at all down there, doesn't want to give oral, doesn't want to try a different position, doesn't like to french kiss, never uses her body to turn me on, thinks sex only happens at night and in bed, thinks it is my duty to show affection and for her to soak it up, etc etc Oh she tells me she loves me and apparently that is suppose to be enough. So why on earth would I want to have sex with her? For years I would take anything I could get. Now my frustration is topping out over need for sex.

This type of attitude is hard-wired in her brain and I don't ever see it changing. She overcame this before marriage to secure me and make sure I didn't breakup with her. Post-marriage she reverted back to her normal mentality. I am thinking about calling a lawyer at this point. I just need enough courage and determination to do it as the aftermath itself will be a very tough road that could last for at least a couple of years by the time the dust settles.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

CuddleBug,
Forgive my harshness, just trying to point out a few things here.

It's very hurtful to be rejected over and over. Understood.

You have to let that go. 

Your posts are full of memories of things she has said... zapped into your brain, and you are pizzed off and resentful. 

And you no longer even initiate sex.

So....
First things first.
You have to do "your" part. I know that sounds.... wrong..... but YOU are the one that is here, and you cannot wave a magic wand and "make" your wife have sex with you 4 times a week. There is no magic conversation you can have with her that will make that happen. Not when there is resentment and "damage" already there. (your online chatting didn't help)

You can do a lot of things.
Read a few books. Work on how you behave. Work on how well you make your wife feel safe enough to be vulnerable. Work on the relationship as a whole. Make sure you are communicating clearly on your needs, and boundaries. 

Boundaries. Boy, are those important. 
For both of you.

If she won't go to marriage counselling, there is lots you can do on your own. His Needs Her Needs book, do the emotional needs quiz together. There is lots of information on the marriage builders website on how to "treat" each other and set your own rules for what is expected and acceptable. 

If she doesn't respond, you still win because you learned a lot about yourself and relationships. And then you can walk away.

But most of this won't work unless you start focusing on today, and what you did for your marriage. Start keeping track of that instead.

Good luck


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