# Need advice desperately



## canbhappy2 (Dec 5, 2013)

My husband of 18 years left our family tonight. Physically he left with some clothing and the intention of leaving fully perhaps, but he came back a few hours later (as I write this) for the kids, but he's made it clear that "he's left me, not the kids." I guess he means our life as husband and wife will change, he's done, but for the kids he's here.

It's not really surprising to me, maybe I'm in shock, I feel sort of numb (or dull) and it feels like a long time coming. For years I've been told that I'm the problem in the relationship, everything is all my fault, why don't I just stop talking to him, he's not interested in anything I have to say, I'm a bi**h, annoying, etc, etc. He is controlling, it's his way or the highway, everyone does everything wrong (except for him), why are the cupboards arranged this way?, why is the juice on this shelf in the fridge?, why, why, why? He is quick to anger, explodes over minor things, and has even disintegrated any relationship that he's has with our oldest child. 

Our sex life is virtually non-existent, for the times that he is pleasant and wants to be intimate, I find it hard to feel warm feelings towards him. Seriously, would you be turned on by all this?

I've asked him to go to counselling with me, and for years, he has refused. He's told me that why should he go to counselling if he doesn't want to fix this? Truth be told, he really would benefit from counselling, help his frustration, his quick to anger temper, and perhaps help resolve what's going on.

I've gone to counselling myself for awhile, just so that I can talk to someone and perhaps get some perspective and try to heal. I really had no desire to break up the family, and would rather be miserable and together, then have a broken family. My therapist essentially told me that I should move on within the marriage -- not cheat or anything like that, but to get my own interests, meet new friends, work on my business, etc and build some happiness for me. It's tough doing this, I'm trying, but it's hard when you don't have the support from your significant other. And, whenever I try, it's also difficult when I constantly get berated for my efforts. 

Oddly enough, when my stress level was so high that I was experiencing anxiety attacks, I told him that one of the reasons I was so upset was because he hated me. He was in his less agitated mood, and he was quick to say that he didn't hate me (but didn't elaborate). His actions and words tell me otherwise.

Here's my question. Do I continue down this road and hope that eventually we get to an impasse and have some peace, or do I leave and try to make it work on my own? I still love him, and it would be very hard to actually make that step. We have 5 beautiful children, and my biggest concern is how to take care of them financially and keep a roof over our heads. I am employed, but I left a good paying position a year ago for my current one so that I had the flexibility to work on my own business that I started earlier this year. My current job contributes to the family bills and is enough to keep us going (along with my husband's income) until my own business that I started earlier this year grows. This arrangement is manageable, but if I leave, my kids and I will struggle immensely. 

Any advice? Please be constructive.

Thanks.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Sorry your here. If you've tried to go MC with him and he refuses, things probably wont get better. I hate to say walk away but if your husband doesn't want to work on it how is it going to get better? 

If I was in your shoes I would start saving money to leave, talk to an atty. Try to plan a way to leave. I would also tell him your doing so it might make him work on fixing your problems. 

I am a bs and I am divorcing. I'm sure others will post soon.


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## Haru2013 (Oct 23, 2013)

Tell him which one he'd choose, one for 'divorce,' the other for stay the marriage. If he'd choose the latter, he needs to work on the problem and is eager to fix it. 

Further, there are 5 beautiful children between you and your husband, not only you but also your husband has a great responsibility, not to mention they need stable home and love from both of you. All of those things, you need to tell him which course he'd choose. If you do not take a drastic action, he seems NEVER change nor work on his behaviour.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

What are you teaching your 5 kids about relationships? About personal respect? About self esteem? 

Obviously you aren't the only one he yells at and belittles. Why stay if he has no interest in changing. All that does is give him more time to break all of your spirits, and then you'll all believe that what he says is true. It isn't. You deserve better. You are worthwhile. So are your kids. Yes, it will be hard, but how can it not be better to not be told you are worthless day after day? Your kids are worth protecting aren't they?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I feel for you and what you are dealing with right now. Your marriage is far from ideal yet you have stayed to keep your family together and partly too because you have not financial means to support 5 children. You are not alone, many of us can identify with your situation.

Your husband sounds very much like my first husband....hot tempered and everything was his way or no way. I am actually surprised your husband came back at all, and for the kids? Is he a good involved, concerned dad or is this another control issue for him?

If you were to leave, is there a way he can be legally obligated to pay child support? Have you thought about it? Would it be shared custody and would there be any support involved?

If he does come back and you do try to repair the marriage I would not allow him back in unless he agreed to counseling. What he is doing to you is wrong, it's emotional abuse. If he does come back, your counselor is right, you have to find a way to get to a point where you have a life for yourself. I know it is not easy, I too raised 5 children.....my focus was my family.

If you make the choice to leave, stay in counseling and don't let your husband sway you back into the relationship unless he too gets help for himself.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

canbhappy2 said:


> It's not really surprising to me, maybe I'm in shock, I feel sort of numb (or dull) and it feels like a long time coming. For years I've been told that I'm the problem in the relationship, everything is all my fault, why don't I just stop talking to him, he's not interested in anything I have to say, I'm a bi**h, annoying, etc, etc. He is controlling, it's his way or the highway, everyone does everything wrong (except for him), why are the cupboards arranged this way?, why is the juice on this shelf in the fridge?, why, why, why? He is quick to anger, explodes over minor things, and has even disintegrated any relationship that he's has with our oldest child.


If you divorce, he will have some portion of custody of the children without you around to protect them. IMO, it's better to stay under the same roof. 

Everything your husband said is projection. What is coming out of his mouth is how he feels about himself. He's a bi**h, annoying, everything he does is wrong, etc etc etc...

When he had the lucid moment and told you he didn't hate you. THAT was the truth. He hates himself. Probably had a hypercritical abusive dad, could never do anything right when he was a kid...

If you can really "GET" that the issue is entirely his and stop getting your feelings hurt when he's a jerk and train the children likewise, I think it will greatly help your children in life. Develop ways of standing up for yourselves. I use positive affirmations. Any negative judgements (@myself or a child) I start listing positives. "I'm sorry you see me or the child in that light. My perceptions are different _____________________"



> Our sex life is virtually non-existent, for the times that he is pleasant and wants to be intimate, I find it hard to feel warm feelings towards him. Seriously, would you be turned on by all this?


When he is pleasant he needs massive positive reinforcement. If pleasant behavior is highly rewarding to him, it may become more common.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

canbhappy2 said:


> He is controlling, it's his way or the highway, everyone does everything wrong (except for him), why are the cupboards arranged this way?, why is the juice on this shelf in the fridge?, why, why, why?


"Honey you have waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy too much time on your hands. Why don't you go organize your workshop and quit complaining about the kitchen?"

Alternatively you could have him do everything himself that he doesn't think you do right.

First I stopped putting my husband's laundry away because he was critical that the clothes were not organized by color. Then I stopped doing his laundry because he was critical that it was not done when he needed it.

Criticism is not rewarded.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

All you've accomplished by sticking around is to decrease your value in his eyes and make it clear that he can have the marriage on his terms. Why don't you file for divorce now and tell him to gtfo? Take back some power in this relationship, because right now you have none and that is unattractive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

Why stay together for the kids if you have a poor marriage? Your children will see this and think it is ok for a marriage....it isn't. Also, finding on their ages they may already know that you aren't happy and wondering why.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

Sorry you're here.

Based on your description of the situation, your husband certainly needs help. 

It's time to start setting boundaries and respecting yourself better. You can love your husband without being "codependent". I believe another reason he treats you as you describe is because you allow it. Set those boundaries and take care of yourself and your family.

I believe you can show him "healthy" love in spite of his unlovable action toward you and family. Unless he is a really devious person, I think it was good that he returned home..."for the children".

If he's anything like most "nice guy" husbands, they're very slow at realizing and acting on what needs to be done to better their lives and that of their family's. I believe, as a husband and father, he is ultimately responsible for the well being of his family and the survival of your marriage. 

If you believe in prayer, pray. If not, I'll pray for you. 

I really like the advice Blonde is giving you.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Canb, I think you'll discover a great new life one day soon, but it may take a while to get there. Those panic attacks will go away. You'll be able to breath again. You'll have the ability to set those goals and reach them without anyone getting in your way. 

But it may not feel that way right now. It's super scary to consider life as a "single again" when you've been with someone as long as you have. You KNOW your lifestyle and what to expect, but now, after nearly two decades away from it...? Whew! 

I promise you'll get through it and come out feeling better. It may take up to two years to completely be back on your feet emotionally and financially, though, so be prepared to think of this as a journey. Here are the things I recommend for you: 

1. Don't leave the home until a judge signs off on a property agreement. You don't want to be accused of abandoning it or your children. 

2. Start saving right away if you aren't already. A good financial planner can be important to your recovery, too, so I'd encourage you to find someone trustworthy by asking friends for referrals. 

3. Seek out a highly recommended attorney ASAP. Don't hire someone based on advertisements. I can't tell you enough how important your decision will be. I've hired (and fired) MANY attorneys who promise the moon and deliver a few grains of sand. At a bare minimum, I'd look for one who has extensive trial experience, who are members of the AAML (AAML National), and who have a good support staff so I can call the paralegal or secretary for status updates without getting billed at the attorney's rates. There are other things I look for, too, but it's be too difficult for me to get into that here. 

4. Do not make threats or speak to your husband about the divorce process, child support, or property separation in any way. While it's fine for some couples to have an amicable divorce and work these things out on their own to save money, with five children in the mix and a guy whose behavior has shown you that he clearly does not have any regard for YOU, you will only get in your own way if you try to work these things out with him. Let your attorney represent you on these matters so you can get a fair shake, not something you'll later realize harmed you.

4. If he is also staying in the house, do these things without revealing what you're doing. The more information he has, the more he WILL use it to his advantage. Get as much information as you can, but don't reveal your plans. 

5. Avoid name-calling and accusations. Support the relationship your children have with him. 

6. Keep a journal of dates, events, and facts (not opinions or emotional statements) to record anything that isn't in the best interests of your children IF there is any chance that he may try to take custody or assassinate your character to them.


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## canbhappy2 (Dec 5, 2013)

Thank you everyone for all your comments and advice. I have alot to think about and decide. 

It's been a few days now, and hubby is talking and interacting as if nothing happened (him walking out). Unlike him, I can't just sweep this under the rug and pretend that all is well. I haven't attempted to talk to him about it either, but it's only because I don't want to start anything at this time. I recognize fully that without him seeking help for his issues, there is no way that our family can heal.

One thing I know is that I need to work very hard to build up my business so that I can support myself and my children when the time comes. I gather that putting myself on a level playing field (or surpassing!) financially with my husband will give me a definite advantage and make me less of a doormat for him to walk all over.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Look up Borderline Personality Disorder


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Canb, I think you'll discover a great new life one day soon, but it may take a while to get there. Those panic attacks will go away. You'll be able to breath again. You'll have the ability to set those goals and reach them without anyone getting in your way.
> 
> But it may not feel that way right now. It's super scary to consider life as a "single again" when you've been with someone as long as you have. You KNOW your lifestyle and what to expect, but now, after nearly two decades away from it...? Whew!
> 
> ...


While I applaud this post, I would like to know if you gave him the text of your first post, on print, and ask for him to read and communicate with you, does he want to take action with you to better his behavior.

Don't give him the same phrasing though, he might google and find this thread.

The way of communicating will probably have to be a crisis-kind of communication. If he wants to, come back for more advise.

When he does not want to, just follow the steps in the post from Kathy.

Be strong, many people here have gained from posting here.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

canbhappy2 said:


> One thing I know is that I need to work very hard to build up my business so that I can support myself and my children when the time comes. I gather that putting myself on a level playing field (or surpassing!) financially with my husband will give me a definite advantage and make me less of a doormat for him to walk all over.


OTH, perhaps you need to be careful not to get too far into the career rat race to the point that he can take you to the cleaners for custody, child support, and alimony in a divorce?

Make sure your 5 children remain your priority. In a divorce, the primary caretaker who sacrificed career advancement for the sake of the children may have some advantages when it comes to custody, child support, and spousal maintenance for a decades long marriage such as yours.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Blonde said:


> OTH, perhaps you need to be careful not to get too far into the career rat race to the point that he can take you to the cleaners for custody, child support, and alimony in a divorce?
> 
> Make sure your 5 children remain your priority. In a divorce, the primary caretaker who sacrificed career advancement for the sake of the children may have some advantages when it comes to custody, child support, and spousal maintenance for a decades long marriage such as yours.


This is exactly why you need a good attorney NOW, i.e., for basic information to protect yourself well in advance of making any moves. Often just gathering the information about separation & divorce in your state/county is surprisingly helpful in the decision-making process. You need to know the reality of what you're considering before doing anything! Do not make any assumptions about the right way to handle anything until getting the straight scoop as the law sees it. 

And maybe it will never come to D but at least you'll be making an informed decision and know why you choose to stay or go.


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## canbhappy2 (Dec 5, 2013)

See Listen Love --Yes, I've suggested counselling, it's a no go. He's not interested.

I've just posted a follow-up to this original post. It's the "Clinging to hope?" post. Unfortunately, it's gone from bad to worse. He's suggesting that if I need intimacy, to go find it elsewhere.


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## canbhappy2 (Dec 5, 2013)

Sorry, it's called "Clinging onto what will never be?" 

My head's a mess..


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