# Good communication about sex



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Do you have good communication with your partner about your sex life?

If there was a scale of 1 - 10 where would you be with communication? 
Was it always this way or have you grown together or apart in this regard?

I would say SO and I are about a 6 or 7 but I would like to keep going up the scale. It is hard for me because I have come from a LTR with the communication about our sex life would have been a 1 or 2.

I am going to IC to deal with issues from my past marriage and am learning what triggers me and makes it hard to really communicate in the way I want now. SO is so non judgmental, he knows my history and has a reasonably history with issues in his past life but he still manages to get me to talk and seems to know what to say.

In particular for those in LTR successful relationships do you have a good level of communication about your intimate life? 
Was it always that way or is it something you continually work on together?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Oddly enough, when Regret214 and I first met, we were able to communicate about everything...including our sexual needs/desires. It was absolutely fantastic and I would rate it a 7.

Fast forward to last March 6th when I discovered her 5 year long affair. To say I was devastated would be an understatement (we've been married over 12 years). However, when I decided to reconcile and she agreed to full disclosure it was game on. It has taken us quite a while, but I would say that after all of that time of her closing herself off to me, she finally opened up.

We're both in IC and MC and I can't stress how great this has been. Another thing I can say is that since around August of last year our communication about our sex life grew immensely. As of today, I would rate it at a 9. We are extremely open and honest about our needs and as I've said to her and she has agreed, "Regret, you are my wife and I am your husband. There is nothing that we can't talk about so never feel ashamed to tell me your deepest desires."

She has and I have. It's amazing the difference.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Today it is a 9, 40 years ago it was a 2. Needless to say, we have grown in this over the years. My wife was a bit "prudish" in the past. We then became friends with a couple and the woman really helped her to relax. I also think reading books together and discussing them helped a great deal.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

I think in the beginning we were about a 3 or 4. I was raised with a lot of limiting beliefs about sex, good girls behave a certain way and ****s act like such and such. As I began to research more and get more information for myself, our communication has grown a lot. Now I would say we are a strong 8.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I would say, after "our talk", I'd rate our sexual communication at 9 out of 10 now.


I told my wifee I would like to try anal, she tells me no, exit only, even after I explained it to her, many women say no, have never tried it, then after trying it, almost like it or do like it.

I told my wifee I would like to be with her in the shower for the first in our marriage, 13+ years.

I told my wifee, talk dirty, watch adult movies together, buy her a toy (she said she isn't ready yet but didn't freak out and didn't say no either).

I told my wifee I like her feet, breasts because they're so soft.

I want to give her oral while she's asleep, wakes up, orgasms and goes back to sleep.

Basically I told her almost everything I could think of and we'll see how it goes.


I know if I leave it up to her to buy a sexual toy, so she'll orgasm when I penetrate her "at the same time", she won't do it, so I will someday go and buy her a small toy as a surprise. That's pushing her comfort zone.

I know she won't sneak in the shower with me ever, so I will have to one day. That's pushing her comfort zone.

Basically, I have to take the initiative, be the captain, lead, otherwise, she won't do much, even though she may think about it.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

We have good communication about sex....maybe an 8.5....and it was always this way. Trust me though, we have many other things to work on...as do most couples. Kuddos to you for going to therapy!


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## Loyal Lover (Jan 30, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> I know she won't sneak in the shower with me ever, so I will have to one day. That's pushing her comfort zone.



Marriage. It's about sacrifices.  If sneaking into the bathroom is a sacrifice you have to make, then God bless you CuddleBug! Such a good husband! :`D



> If there was a scale of 1 - 10 where would you be with communication?
> Was it always this way or have you grown together or apart in this regard?


Overall I think we've been a 6.5. I am proud of myself because I alone have given an 8. I couldn't go higher because I felt he was holding back.

We're having a lover's quarrel at the moment which makes me think I've been right.  So I expect it to go down for a while... we need to go through the phases to get over this but I trust we will emerge a at least a solid 9. I wish we would have dealt with this sooner but I am glad that it's NOW rather than later, like after we get married.


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## mildlyperplexed (Feb 3, 2013)

2/10

Its not something me or hubby want to talk about so we don't. I will sometimes ask for something during sex but he seems to feel that what I do for him should be my choice. The sex is awesome so I'm in no hurry to change.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

This is a great thread. I started another thread about me and my H's poor communication skills, so it's great to read what other couple's are like. My communication most of my marriage (together 30 years) has been a 0. The last few months it has been a 1. My H is a 0.

I'm curious - for the people who rate themselves as high communication skills, what exactly does that mean? Does it mean that you say what feels good? what you'd like done? what doesn't feel good? what you'd like to try? fantasies? wishes? kinky ideas? do you communicate during sex? after? before? do you have to walk on eggshells for fear of bruising an ego? is it a tense conversation? comfortable? is it totally explicit giving gory details of what was good or bad?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

IsGirl...yes to most all of what you wrote!

Sexually speaking, we talk about what feels good, what we'd like to have done, what we'd like to try...we've enacted fantasies/wishes and done some pretty awesomely kinky stuff. You did talk about one thing that is HUGE and that is communication. We communicate before, during and after. The during is more of a non-verbal thing, though...however, as I've said - sex itself is communication.

Another big thing is setting boundaries. In other words we went to a party where there were swingers there. It was a voyeuristic fantasy thing. Before we even accepted the invitation to the party, we talked about what would be tolerated and what would not. I believe it is only in that place of honesty can you truly "see" your spouse and love them even more.

Oh, and just in case anyone is wondering...no...we did not have sex at the party with each other and definitely no one else. It was excited to watch, though!!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Holland said:


> Do you have good communication with your partner about your sex life?
> 
> If there was a scale of 1 - 10 where would you be with communication?
> Was it always this way or have you grown together or apart in this regard?





> In particular for those in LTR successful relationships do you have a good level of communication about your intimate life?
> Was it always that way or is it something you continually work on together?


Me & my husband's story on this subject is really quite shameful... It's THE biggest stumbling block we had to our Sex life in our past....IF ONLY we had been talking about these things, his feelings, his needs, my fantasies...etc... 

It's also utterly ridiculous because in every other aspect of our marriage, communication was On fire, 100% open, transparent and flowing... 

But for some reason.. which it's hard for me to even understand looking back...I'm thinking..."who was that [email protected]#$"... all that makes sense was...for me...talking about masterbation, and feeling certain acts were "dirty" (I was a little sexually repressed, inhibited, embarrassed if he seen my body - insanity I know ).... I just DIDN'T go there.. he was such a good Lover..I guess I never felt the need... He got me there 99% of the time...I was probably the most vocal when he shot before me & I'd make him do it again.... I was pretty assertive when I WANTED something...but this was very rare... 

Outside of this... we just didn't talk about







! 

Then after all the kids... 19 yrs married, I blew all of this open feeling "  what have we been missing all of these years !.... then we talked... I read books, I started flirting like MAD...we explored, we played sex games, tried new positions, erotic massage, we opened up about masterbation (finally -both were shocked with our admissions there)......Absolutely nothing was held back, that was ALL I wanted to talk about ...and he wasn't complaining !!
What Fun it was....Like a RUSH of new discovery in Mid Life. 



> I would say SO and I are about a 6 or 7 but I would like to keep going up the scale. It is hard for me because I have come from a LTR with the communication about our sex life would have been a 1 or 2.


 Sounds you are doing great....You've come a long way Holland! How about some Aids to help ... like an Erotic game...(Ever visit Spencers in the Mall), can find so many online also... 

This one we have, Love the sheer # of cards, even if you toss the board & keep the cards by your bedside ....  Discover Your Lover Adult Board Game - Review...it has 100 affectionate cards - 80 intimate cards & 60 passionate cards , it has question cards, so much learning in this game, touching so many topics. We rented a DVd on fantasies once, that was interesting too.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Holland said:


> Do you have good communication with your partner about your sex life?
> 
> If there was a scale of 1 - 10 where would you be with communication? Currently I'd say we're at about an 8-9
> Was it always this way or have you grown together or apart in this regard?We have grown together.It used to be no higher than a 5.
> ...


I wanted to add that going from a 1-2 to a 6-7 is phenomenal!The only way to go is up and it sounds like you're laying an awesome foundation for a lifetime of open communication


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

IsGirl3 said:


> I'm curious - for the people who rate themselves as high communication skills, what exactly does that mean? Does it mean that you say what feels good? what you'd like done? what doesn't feel good? what you'd like to try? fantasies? wishes? kinky ideas? do you communicate during sex? after? before? do you have to walk on eggshells for fear of bruising an ego? is it a tense conversation? comfortable? is it totally explicit giving gory details of what was good or bad?


I would say 9/10 for us. Yes to all of the above except walking on eggshells and tense conversation. It's easy! I'm all about him and he's all about me. We want to know what the other wants and needs and fulfill that for each other. We are not married and no plan to but he has said that he can't imagine wanting to ever be with anyone else and I feel the same.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

IsGirl3 said:


> I'm curious - for the people who rate themselves as high communication skills, what exactly does that mean? Does it mean that you say what feels good? yes what you'd like done?yes what doesn't feel good? yes what you'd like to try? yesfantasies? wishes? kinky ideas? do you communicate during sex? after? before? yes to all those do you have to walk on eggshells for fear of bruising an ego?NO is it a tense conversation? It can be but we're working on improving thatcomfortable? is it totally explicit giving gory details of what was good or bad?yes


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Holland said:


> Do you have good communication with your partner about your sex life?
> 
> If there was a scale of 1 - 10 where would you be with communication?


I'd say about a 3. We still need lots of work, mostly me.



Holland said:


> Was it always this way or have you grown together or apart in this regard?


I'd say it was a one before. We rarely talked and when we did she'd get very defensive.



Holland said:


> I would say SO and I are about a 6 or 7 but I would like to keep going up the scale. It is hard for me because I have come from a LTR with the communication about our sex life would have been a 1 or 2.


This waas my issue as well. Coming to TAM has really helped me with the undersstanding that talk is ok but, as you said, it's difficult to build up that communication leave right away. I'm better at talking about it, but due to about 12 years of being run over every time I wanted to talk about sex in a relationship, it's hard to get the confidence to come out of that shell. But I am.

My fiancee also has difficulties speaking about sex, due to several bad sexual experiences in her past, most notably a rape and an abusive marriage which included sexual manipulation. The biggest hurdle for me was convincing her that not all men are the same and just wanting to get laid and use women as a tool to get off. In the past two years, she's really come to understand that sex is important to me and to the relationship and there have been positive strides. Sex has gone from every second week to roughly 2x a week the past three years (though we have been in a bit of a downswing the past three months or so and that frequency has decreased slightly) and BJ's and lingerie are getting introduced much more freqently. That said, it's still an awkward thing for us to talk about because we both have both viewed it as taboo to discuss (me because I wasn't raised to discuss sex and was in a marriage where the word 'sex' was treated as vile, her because of her past and an ex-husband who just used her to get his sexual wants met with no regard for her well-being). We are working at it, and I think it's just something where the more we talk, the easier it will be. Hopefully this leads to our communication level increasing.

It's still the hardest thing for us to talk about though.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

IsGirl3 said:


> I'm curious - for the people who rate themselves as high communication skills, what exactly does that mean? Does it mean that you say what feels good? what you'd like done? what doesn't feel good? what you'd like to try? fantasies? wishes? kinky ideas? do you communicate during sex? after? before? do you have to walk on eggshells for fear of bruising an ego? is it a tense conversation? comfortable? is it totally explicit giving gory details of what was good or bad?


We pretty much do all of the above, except walking on eggshells. Neither one of us is afraid to tell the other what feels good and what doesn't. I usually don't have to tell her much; men are easy. While I am giving her oral she will tell me lighter, slower, a little higher or lower etc. I have shared more kinky ideas with her than she with me, and although we have not done all of the, we have done quite a few. I must also say that this h as been a process. For instance, it took her a while to be comfortable with me giving her oral, now ps he loves it! And so do I!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Holland,
We absolutely do. Very good. My wife's vulvodynia has been bad for quite some time. Bad enough that we haven't had intercourse in a year. She feels guilty about depriving me of piv sex and I consistently acknowledge that I "miss it" as she does, and am grateful she makes the effort to keep our sex life active and fun by doing other stuff with me. 

And she offers to try piv now and then but she has enough vulvodynia symptoms just from everyday life for me to know it will hurt her. Not interested in doing that. She bit the pillow "so to speak" for a long time before telling me that piv hurt. 


QUOTE=Holland;1423695]Do you have good communication with your partner about your sex life?

If there was a scale of 1 - 10 where would you be with communication? 
Was it always this way or have you grown together or apart in this regard?

I would say SO and I are about a 6 or 7 but I would like to keep going up the scale. It is hard for me because I have come from a LTR with the communication about our sex life would have been a 1 or 2.

I am going to IC to deal with issues from my past marriage and am learning what triggers me and makes it hard to really communicate in the way I want now. SO is so non judgmental, he knows my history and has a reasonably history with issues in his past life but he still manages to get me to talk and seems to know what to say.

In particular for those in LTR successful relationships do you have a good level of communication about your intimate life? 
Was it always that way or is it something you continually work on together?[/QUOTE]


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