# No social life



## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Hello. My husband and I have been married for about 3 years, but we have been together for 8 years. We are both in our twenties with 2 daughters together. The issue is my husband gets extremely mad when I go out on the weekends. I have one good friend that actually introduced us, and over the years he has grown to hate her for no reason. 
Everytime we go out he starts an argument and says a wife shouldnt be out like I am. He says I "think I'm so cool" and he implies that I am cheating! He also says that I never spend time with him, which is true because him and I use to spend all our time together...out dancing and such. Every time we went out and someone spoke to me, he got jealous. Well one time, a saw a guy i knew and he hugged me and hubby flipped out and things even got physical. He apologized later and never got that mad again, but it left a bad taste in my mouth and I dont want to go dancing with him anymore. I'd like to stay home and watch movies with him or go to dinner...things like that.
Well he can't accept that for some reason. I have to mention that he only says he wanted to spend time with me AFTER I tell him I'm going out with my girlfriend. 
Its getting to the point where I cant take it anymore. I don't want to fight every time I say I'm going out. He gets so mad and won't talk to me. We've been together for 8 years and hes STILL jealous. Thank you for reading.
What can I do?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Where do you go when you go out with your friend?


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Where do you go when you go out with your friend?


We go out dancing, shopping, nail shop...woman things.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> We go out dancing, shopping, nail shop...woman things.


Dancing is not "Woman's Things" it's something you do with guys. Frankly your husband is being nice to you in letting you go ... I wouldn't. If I were him, I'd be joining you whether you liked it or not. Married women shouldn't go out dancing without their husbands. You should start going out with him again, you could live with a little jealousy.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I don't think he's jealous, he feels threatened. A married man's instincts is to protect his marriage, but if neither of you have a good understanding of boundaries it will come across as preserving and controlling you. He doesn't want you going out dancing with your friend because he knows other men will be watching you trying to figure out how to have sex with you.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Dancing is not "Woman's Things" it's something you do with guys. Frankly your husband is being nice to you in letting you go ... I wouldn't. If I were him, I'd be joining you whether you liked it or not. Married women shouldn't go out dancing without their husbands. You should start going out with him again, you could live with a little jealousy.


What's wrong with a woman going out dancing with her girlfriend who has a husband herself. Her husband doesn't care if she goes out. We are there talking to people we know and having some drinks...not flashing our good around or anything. And as I expressed its gone well and beyond "a little jealousy". I can take that. I'm not about to be accused of cheating or have my night ruined because a male speaks to me. We are not teenagers. 
If he has shown that his jealousy has let up a bit, I would definitely go out with him again. And I have told him that.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Lon said:


> I don't think he's jealous, he feels threatened. A married man's instincts is to protect his marriage, but if neither of you have a good understanding of boundaries it will come across as preserving and controlling you. He doesn't want you going out dancing with your friend because he knows other men will be watching you trying to figure out how to have sex with you.


Well, I'm sure men are watching me. But shouldn't he have enough trust in me that I am not falling for some sloppy bar guy? I've been faithful for the last 8 years, I think I deserve the benefit of the doubt.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

He trusts you, and to prove it he allows you to go out despite that it goes against everything telling him that it is not good. You do have the benefit of the doubt, however you also have a great responsibility to make sure to not become complacent or disrespectful... or entitled.

Or you can ignore what I suggest and continue going out to the club every chance you get, just realize that every time you do you are putting each other to the test. It is not just going out to blow off some steam and sweat it out, there is an underlying power struggle at play.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Lon said:


> He trusts you, and to prove it he allows you to go out despite that it goes against everything telling him that it is not good. You do have the benefit of the doubt, however you also have a great responsibility to make sure to not become complacent or disrespectful... or entitled.
> 
> Or you can ignore what I suggest and continue going out to the club every chance you get, just realize that every time you do you are putting each other to the test. It is not just going out to blow off some steam and sweat it out, there is an underlying power struggle at play.


Thank you Lon. I understand what you are saying, but I also feel if he trusted me he wouldn't say the things that he says. 
And there is a great power struggle. There is a background here...He was 21 before I was and left me at home alone all the time. I didn't go anywhere for like 6 years. I begged him not to go lots of the times, but he did anyway. Well years later I found out he had cheated on me, my trust was shattered. I've rebuilt the trust...but now its like I've found flaws in my God and realized I don't want to worship him anymore.
I think its karma, that he is chasing me around trying to get me to stay home, as I chased him for years. 
Why the heck should I stay home for him??


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## srena200 (Jul 13, 2009)

. Married women shouldn't go out dancing without their husbands. You should start going out with him again, you could live with a little jealousy.[/QUOTE]


What the? What is this the stone-age? Married women should not go dancing without a husband? Yea! And married men should not be in strip club shoving bills down a stranger's crotch, but they do. A married woman is free to engage in social activities with her girlfriend whether it is happy hour, dinner, movies, dancing, or shopping. Women need their own friends OUTSIDE of a marriage. She does not need to do everything with hubby.


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## srena200 (Jul 13, 2009)

Lon said:


> *I don't think he's jealous, he feels threatened. *
> 
> 
> I can understand Lon's point a bit here. If he is jealous, deal with that as a seperate issue. If he is insecure, deal with that as a seperate issue. You do not need your husband's permission to go out with a friend. If you tell him where you are, who you are with, when you will be home, this should alleviate his concerns-plus he can show up at the club if he is that insecure and clear his own doubts when he see you are there, with your friend, having fun.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Have you guys sought any professional counselling? I think a good marriage counsellor can help you by directing all the energy you guys are expending on trying to claim your lives working against each other into activities that fulfill both your social needs which you can share together.

Go out dancing together, and also invite your friends into social events in your own home once in awhile. And also forgo every other dance night for a movie night or quiet time at home. And I'm also not saying do EVERY activity together, you still each need time away and with your own friends.

In my failed marriage my ex was a very outgoing person who needed the excitement and atmosphere of the clubs, and I was a homebody who wanted to surround myself in comfort. We passively resisted each others needs to the point that we damaged our own individual balances, she ultimately decided to continue the single life and I've struggled to not be a shut-in. Looking back, in order for our marriage to have survived I needed to get out more and let loose, as I've always needed, and she needed to come home to roost more, as she's always needed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a week do you spend doing date-like, one-on-one things with your husband?


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

We have been to counseling in the past and it helped for a little bit. I should say we didn't follow the regime due to insurance lapse. I have mentioned going back. 
The thing is, we have a 6yr old and a 6 month old...if one of us is out, the other has to be home with the kids. And neither one of us are ready to leave the baby with a sitter yet.

Also, we usually go out every other weekend. But this past month its been once a week. I do see her during the week because we are both SAHM. But we usually sit at my house with the kids, nothing adult can be done until the weekend. He says we are codependent on each other and he hates her.

Hubby and I spend our time together after the kids are in bed...and at that time, i usually do homework and he is online doing whatever. He always expects me to make plans with him, but he makes no effort. I cant miss out on being social, waiting for him to get ready to do something. As soon as i say...hey im going out this weekend he goes "Maybe I wanted to do something with you"...like, seriously, do you take me for a fool?!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I would highly suggest getting yourselves mentally equipped to handle having a sitter, or else stay at home together... does he EVER go out by himself? Even if you are giving him an opportunity? If he says he doesn't want to go out, does he ever ask you to take the kids out so he can have peaceful time at home alone once in awhile? There is a lot of resentment that is TOXIC AND FATAL to a relationship that you NEED to figure out and work through asap. He is escaping to his computer and you are escaping with your GNO's, and both of you are driving each other slowly apart (or much quicker than you realize).

Maybe trade babysitting duties with your friend? And also, do you ever go to her house with the kids? It could be that you are feeling too shut in to your own home and that it is associated with work and chores.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You have a 6 month old baby and go out clubbing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Well one time, a saw a guy i knew and he hugged me and hubby flipped out and things even got physical.


Yeah, you go on about hugging married women in the very presence of the husband and bad things happen... I commend your husband for being an actual man instead of a wuss doormat. 

You on the other hand need to realize you're not single anymore. The reason why you are having problems is that you are married with kids and still living like you are single.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Lon said:


> Have you guys sought any professional counselling? I think a good marriage counsellor can help you by directing all the energy you guys are expending on trying to claim your lives working against each other into activities that fulfill both your social needs which you can share together.


This. It sounds like you two are at a pretty critical juncture in your marriage, where you have to decide if you want to come together to work on your problems as a team, or make each other the enemy and push each other away.

Listen, I am totally sympathetic to your need to get out and have fun. Small kids are draining and stressful, and it sounds like you're an extrovert; you refill you energy reserves by being social. Introverts, on the other hand, refill their energy reserves with quiet alone time (like on the computer maybe). It's not an insurmountable difference in a couple, so long as you each understand that you need different things once in a while, and you make an effort to accommodate each other. 

The affair makes it even more complicated. I don't think punishing is going to help you move past it, but I don't know anything about getting past affairs. Maybe try reading on the coping with infidelity forum? I know there's a lot of help and support over there.

Good luck.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Yeah, you go on about hugging married women in the very presence of the husband and bad things happen... I commend your husband for being an actual man instead of a wuss doormat.


:iagree: x 100%.
Some guys are just downright disrespectful.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> :iagree: x 100%.
> Some guys are just downright disrespectful.


I know, right! Some guys are born without the "if-i-do-this-i'll-get-punched" chip! So they have to learn with painful experience.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

srena200 said:


> What the? What is this the stone-age? Married women should not go dancing without a husband? Yea! And married men should not be in strip club shoving bills down a stranger's crotch, but they do. A married woman is free to engage in social activities with her girlfriend whether it is happy hour, dinner, movies, dancing, or shopping. Women need their own friends OUTSIDE of a marriage. She does not need to do everything with hubby.


Your dead wrong. Once you get married the rules change. What you want to do has to take into account what your husband is comfortable with. If a social life without your husband and having opposite sex friends is so important to you, you shouldn't be married. As far as strip clubs go, if you don't want your husband to go, just tell him, he has to respect your feelings. And YES, she should do everything with her husband, that's what getting married is all about. Stone Age my a$$.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Every weekend is a bit much! 

I'm not implying your cheating whatsoever, but my ex h was out every weekend and he was sleeping with many other woman. Your husband may think your seeing other men. I can fully understand his concern.

I prefer a man who stays home with us as a family. My husband and I can go out when ever we choose, but it's not often and most our time is spent together with the kids. My husband and I make plans with each other and the children. We are a very family oriented here. 

My husband does leave the house, but I can not very easily for health reasons. All my hobbies are done within the home. My husband has hobbies outside the home, but he's only gone an hour or so at the gym, then comes home. Our social life is together mostly.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> What's wrong with a woman going out dancing with her girlfriend who has a husband herself. Her husband doesn't care if she goes out. We are there talking to people we know and having some drinks...not flashing our good around or anything. And as I expressed its gone well and beyond "a little jealousy". I can take that. I'm not about to be accused of cheating or have my night ruined because a male speaks to me. We are not teenagers.
> If he has shown that his jealousy has let up a bit, I would definitely go out with him again. And I have told him that.


I don't have time this morning to go into a long answer why your attitude about this is toxic to your marriage. You were asking for opinions and you got them, but it seems that you don't like them. Married women going out dancing without their husbands, put themselves in situations where they are closely socially interacting with other men, where they can be close physically and are under the influence of alcohol. Your husband's jealousy is not jealousy but a protective mechanism to defend his marriage. Whether you realize it or not, you are setting yourself up for infidelity. It might not be your intention, but you are putting yourself at risk because you don't have as much self control as you think you have. Just read around these boards here and see how many "Girls Nights Out" lead to affairs and One Night Stands, it happens a lot.

Your husband is right .. you are wrong. And you really need to dump your toxic girlfriend. One thing I don't understand is why he just doesn't go with you regardless if you want him there or not? Why does he stay home? If I were your husband I'd be by your side every time you went out and not give a crap what you thought. And I wouldn't stop it until the restraining order comes down from a court.

Here is something I strongly suggest you should do: Ask your husband to sign up here at TAM and let him weigh in on this discussion.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Here is something I strongly suggest you should do: Ask your husband to sign up here at TAM and let him weigh in on this discussion.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I understand that they have problems even before, but those girlfriends are leading her astray.
The Marital problems + Young child + Alcohol + Dancing + Men hungry for sex +Toxic Girlfriends = Wrecked Marriage.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Well to start I'd like to say that I am listening and taking account of ALL you guy's opinions.
My husband does go out with his friends, I dont want to make it seem like he never goes anywhere. When he goes out I watch the kids and have no problem. I'd also like to mention that he also goes out on the bar/club scene with his friends. I have 100 more reasons to flip out than he does, due to the past. But I WANT him to get out of the house, and spend time away from me. I thought that was healthy?
And to whoever said wifes need to spend all their time with the husbands...That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! I feel men who want their women to be under them all the time want to watch them and make sure they are being "good".
And yes I go out clubbing with a 6 month old...after she is safely in her crib. I breast feed her..so I rarely drink when Im out! For them men who don't know...exclusively breastfeeding a baby is not only exhausting but requires the baby to be with me ALL DAY. I don't think theres anything wrong with getting away from that for a few hours every week.
I'm sorry I also had to scoff at the idea that going out sets someone up for infidelity?? What the holy hell? I have no inkling to hook up, call, pay attention to, smile, flirt with ANYONE while I'm out! The guy who hugged me sold flowers to the patrons with his wife! I introduced my SO as my husband, and wasn't disrespectful at all.
I would also like to know how my friendship with the girl who has been there for me since 5th grade toxic? She is in a stable relationship with a child too. I'm not out with any single gals.

I spend the better part of out relationship trying to get him to spend time with me..coming up with ideas for us to do in the house even if we couldnt get a sitter. He doesn't do anything like that. I would ditch my friends at the drop of a hat if he made some effort.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> :iagree: x 100%.
> Some guys are just downright disrespectful.


And I'd like to add...It wasn't physical with the guy. It was physical with me.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I've rebuilt the trust...but now its like I've found flaws in my God and realized I don't want to worship him anymore.
I think its karma, that he is chasing me around trying to get me to stay home, as I chased him for years. 
Why the heck should I stay home for him?? 

In to revenge much?

Also, how many hours a day does your husband work? My workday is 13 hours long (leave at 6 AM and home at 7 PM) and I know that when our kids were younger (wife was a SAHM) come Friday, she was ready to get up and out but I was looking forward to time at home after not being their most of the week. 

And now your going out EVERY weekend and leaving HIM with the kids? Are you kidding me? 

Spending time "together" by doing homework and being on the PC is not "together" time. The time you're spending with your girlfriend at the clubs is more "together" time than what you're giving to your husband.

Some people are planners when it comes to social activities and some are not. You're holding this against your husband as another way of getting even with him.

As most others have said, the both of you need counseling. How about instead of you spending money on cover charges and drinks at the club (oh wait, I bet you don't spend money on drinks at the club because you let men buy you drinks. Am I right?) you put that money towards counseling?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Well vspinkgrl, even though you are seeking advice (and I hope you are really weighting the opinions like you say you are) you seem to be convinced that those of us who disagree with what you are doing are wrong and you are right. If that's the case, good luck to you, your going to need it.

Two Questions:

If you were going out one night to a dance club with your girlfriend and your husband went or just showed up at the same place, what would your reaction be? What would be the Affect on your marriage?
Will you get your husband to sign up for this board?


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Toffer said:


> I've rebuilt the trust...but now its like I've found flaws in my God and realized I don't want to worship him anymore.
> I think its karma, that he is chasing me around trying to get me to stay home, as I chased him for years.
> Why the heck should I stay home for him??
> 
> ...


I've never accepted a drink from a man while out in my life! Accepting a drink gives the idea that I want to talk to someone...I'm not some type of idiot. I've also never paid a cover charge either, seeing as how its free
Why is it hard for men to understand that for every time a man gets hit on a woman does probably 50 more times. Whether it be at the club, or the friggin grocery store. I dont need my husband to be there every time to see if i handled the situation to his liking. His wanting to be with me all the time is a control issue...and if its not, he is doing a bang up job showing otherwise.
He wants me to be in the house for him and change that...why cant he change and start showing some damn initiative?
And when I go out I put both the kids are in the bed sleeping, he does nothing. 
He works 8 hour days at his job. Also I know that him on the computer and me doing homework is not time together at all. I truly and sincerely want to spend time with him..but Lon is right there is a struggle. I feel they if I give in, he will never work on his issues. 
And I don't seek revenge, but if he is feeling like I was I cant say I feel much sympathy for him.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Well vspinkgrl, even though you are seeking advice (and I hope you are really weighting the opinions like you say you are) you seem to be convinced that those of us who disagree with what you are doing are wrong and you are right. If that's the case, good luck to you, your going to need it.
> 
> Two Questions:
> 
> ...


I know that I am not right about the entire situation, because I try to blind myself from seeing his side of view because I don't think he deserves it. That is wrong, but that goes back to the power struggle.

If he showed up where I was I'd be pissed because I feel hes checking up on me. It has happened, and I simply went home.

I will try to get him to sign up.


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## tiredwife&sahm (Jan 4, 2012)

I've never had a GNO so you are lucky he even allows you to go, but maybe you guys can do GNO at other places rather than clubs. Maybe go to a movie, out to eat. Go to something else other than a place where there are loads of men. Nothing you say or do is going to change how he feels about you going to the club every weekend. He doesn't mind you going out,it's where you are going. So change where you go and then see.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

It sounds like your husband is vaguely aware that he feels his connection with you is not very strong. 

I would suspect that his comments about not having enough time with you are his way of expressing this. I would also suspect that, because of his past behavior and things he's seen when he's out with you, that your nights out are a real trigger for him.

It also sounds like you are vaguely aware that there is a problem, but you are much more aware of your perceived double standards, so you are focusing on that instead of the lack of closeness.

Imagine a world where he is an awesome husband, helping around the house, is very satisfied with his marriage, and he can't wait to socialize with you by your side. Imagine a world where he is equally happy in the marriage. How can you get there? Chances are, it isn't through independently clubbing and hanging out with your friends and not him, IMO.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> I know that I am not right about the entire situation, because I try to blind myself from seeing his side of view because I don't think he deserves it. That is wrong, but that goes back to the power struggle.


Maybe you need to seek professional counseling to work through the "Power Struggle", especially if you are at an impasse. I'd like to go into this further, but I'm at work and I can't spend time on this. What I can say right now is that going out socially without your husband often is dangerous to your marriage in many ways besides infidelity. If there are other issues in the marriage besides "Jealousy", that will only make the risk of infidelity worse. Trust me on this.



vspinkgrl said:


> If he showed up where I was I'd be pissed because I feel hes checking up on me. It has happened, and I simply went home.


I've done this to my wife and I've told my wife that she can't go some place with out me a few times during our marriage, She reacted similarly to you but I held my position. I think we are an a better place because of it. (oh, by the way, she's done the same to me).



vspinkgrl said:


> I will try to get him to sign up.


I think this is a good idea.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

tiredwife&sahm said:


> I've never had a GNO so you are lucky he even allows you to go, but maybe you guys can do GNO at other places rather than clubs. Maybe go to a movie, out to eat. Go to something else other than a place where there are loads of men. Nothing you say or do is going to change how he feels about you going to the club every weekend. He doesn't mind you going out,it's where you are going. So change where you go and then see.


I wish that were true. He gets upset even if we go to the movies or out to eat because he feels I'm spending too much time with her. 
We use to go to the movies togther all the time but I felt like I was draaaagggging him there. I had to beg. Well I discovered my friend was more than willing to go, so we go together. Well he just about hits the roof! He never wanted to go, now hes so interested because I'm going with her? It'd not fair that he tries to block every attempt at me having a social life. I've tried getting to a core issue with him and all I can come up with is that he's jealous. These are his favorite statements:

"I gave up my life for you"
"You think your so cool"
"F you and your **** friend"
"You wanna F her"
"Your effing around on me at the club"
"Who paid? her? Oh, she's taking care of you now?"

Honestly, what would you think?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> And I'd like to add...It wasn't physical with the guy. It was physical with me.


This is NOT ok.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

vspinkgrl said:


> I'd also like to mention that he also goes out on the bar/club scene with his friends. I have 100 more reasons to flip out than he does, due to the past.


Yes, you do. But not for the reason you think. When women go clubbing together, there is the slight chance they went to dance with each other in a man-free bubble. Why do you think men go to clubs? Any idea? Can you picture him dancing in a woman-free bubble with his buds? You club, you MUST know why he goes. PLUS his past behavior?

We're addressing the wrong issue here. YOU need to worry, not him. Why do you think he doesn't like YOU going without HIM? He KNOWS what men are looking for at clubs. ALL men, not just your hubs.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

MrK said:


> Yes, you do. But not for the reason you think. When women go clubbing together, there is the slight chance they went to dance with each other in a man-free bubble. Why do you think men go to clubs? Any idea? Can you picture him dancing in a woman-free bubble with his buds? You club, you MUST know why he goes. PLUS his past behavior?
> 
> We're addressing the wrong issue here. YOU need to worry, not him. Why do you think he doesn't like YOU going without HIM? He KNOWS what men are looking for at clubs. ALL men, not just your hubs.


Eh, I'm pretty sure hes not going out for those reasons. He doesn't dance. He is in the bar more than the club. The club is a once in awhile thing. I dont really care for the bars. I could not picture him dancing with anyone but if so GOD help them! But I think you are correct in him knowing men will hit on me. 
I also think he knows hes lacking in the husband department and thinks ill be swept off my feet easily. 
But I think your right about him knowing 
My husbands past infidelity was with a chick off the internet. He isn't very good face to face at all.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

There is no doubt in my mind that they are reacting to each other in spite. If infidelity hasn't happened already on either side it will happen on both sides soon. Take that to the bank. It won't be long before one or both of them is in a club and is talking to some other guy/girl they will both start thinking "Yeah, he/she thinks they are so cool? Well fvck him/her, I'm going to get laid".

They have to stop going out separately, cold turkey, and both of them and start putting this spite energy into healing their marriage. The minute one of them crosses the line, the marriage is over.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"His wanting to be with me all the time is a control issue...and if its not, he is doing a bang up job showing otherwise.
He wants me to be in the house for him and change that...why cant he change and start showing some damn initiative?"

Again, TONS of resentment here. Do you still even want to be married?

"And when I go out I put both the kids are in the bed sleeping, he does nothing."

Wait, do you mean both kids are sleeping and he does nothing while you're out? What's he supposed to be doing? Isn't watching the kids (being home alone) enough?

"But I think you are correct in him knowing men will hit on me."

And you put YOURSELF in these situations Why?

Middleman said it best. They are both trying to be the Big Dog here, each of them trying to control the other and it's just a matter of time before someone steps out, either him because he thinks she is (revenge affair) or her because he's so controlling (and I do believe he is to a degree)

OP, while I agree he needs counseling for his insecurity issues and behaviors, you do too for your resentment issues. You seem to be spending way too much time swimming against the current when this efoort would be better spent healing the marriage.

I too think that you are also spending too much time here justifying your actions. I think deep down you know they are wrong (and so are his) yet you continue down the :two wrongs do make a right" path.

You should sit with your husband and ask him:

-Do you still love me?
-Do you still want to be married?
-Do you want to try and make our marriage better?

If the answer to all of these from him is Yes, STOP the clubbing and use that time for counseling for the both of you!


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

I'd like to thank you all for your input. 
We got into a big fight last night when I said I would be going out this upcoming weekend. We went to bed mad.
He came home from work with flowers for me and we talked. We both recognize that we have some very unhealthy things going on in our marriage and we both want to work them out.
He admits that he is against change, as we were only 17 when we met and I was just as much as an introvert as he is. He recognizes that he treated me like I was disposable in the past and now he is kind of in my shoes.
I expressed that I will try to show more sympathy towards how he is feeling, because I have been there before. And I will also cut down on my girls time.
We have agreed to seek separate and marriage counseling to work through it.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

I put myself in a situation to be hit on every time I leave this house. So what if I get hit on? Such is life.

And I meant he doesn't have to physically do anything when I leave the house. They are all bathed, fed and in the bed.

And yes I want to be married still of course, or I wouldnt be here. But I will not be controlled, there is a happy medium here. I'd like to find it without feeling like a doormat.


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## bobby5 (Mar 21, 2011)

I feel sorry for him. He obviously is very proud of his wife. He believes she is very beautiful and cant understand whay any man wouldnt want her. He got carried away protecting her once and now is not allowed to accompany her to dances and therefore can not protect her. Dancing is an amorous activity and many people meet and fal in love in this environment. I think I would find his position very difficult. I dont think you are a bad person. I just think you misunderstand his position. Also you seem to miss the irony of your dancing girl friend bein the one who hooked you up. your husband will be aware she could do this for you again.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

bobby5 said:


> I feel sorry for him. He obviously is very proud of his wife. He believes she is very beautiful and cant understand whay any man wouldnt want her. He got carried away protecting her once and now is not allowed to accompany her to dances and therefore can not protect her. Dancing is an amorous activity and many people meet and fal in love in this environment. I think I would find his position very difficult. I dont think you are a bad person. I just think you misunderstand his position. Also you seem to miss the irony of your dancing girl friend bein the one who hooked you up. your husband will be aware she could do this for you again.


I almost cried reading this. I know he feels like this..but his solution to this has always been to try and hide me away. Its always been to follow me around, give me stern looks if a guy talks to me about anything. If I get dressed to go somewhere he tells me I'm trying to get other male attention. 
I dont need protection. I think there is an underlying deep rooted issue for men to feel they need to watch their wife like a hawk to "protect her". 
She couldn't hook me up with anyone. Nor does she want to. Im taken, I married and I love him. If he had confidence in these things, there would be no question.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

vspinkgrl said:


> I wish that were true. He gets upset even if we go to the movies or out to eat because he feels I'm spending too much time with her.
> We use to go to the movies togther all the time but I felt like I was draaaagggging him there. I had to beg. Well I discovered my friend was more than willing to go, so we go together. Well he just about hits the roof! He never wanted to go, now hes so interested because I'm going with her? It'd not fair that he tries to block every attempt at me having a social life. I've tried getting to a core issue with him and all I can come up with is that he's jealous. These are his favorite statements:
> 
> "I gave up my life for you"
> ...


Maybe you _are_ spending too much time with her. Maybe be more of a friend to your husband...he might think you value your friendship with her more than your relationship with him. If you seriously consider his concerns and talk to him rationally about them, it might help. Rather than getting defensive and angry. It sounds like you are with her a lot during the week and then go off to have fun with her every weekend. In a marriage, with children, that's a lot of time with someone other than your spouse, who is supposed to be your best friend.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I think that controlling someone and trying to establish your own boundaries look very similar when done passively. And I think that is near the heart of your husbands issues, tyring to be assertive without offending you, because his fear is that offending you will cause you to be even further away from him.

Your husband has been weak in establishing this boundary and I believe you have tested him in this regard, using his past infidelity and his passivity as weapons in your arsenal in your power struggle. I think a large part of going out to dance so frequently is a fitness test that he is repeatedly failing, which is why so many are trying to warn you of the peril this plays in your marriage. And you may not see what I'm saying or even be aware you are testing him, but if you let him keep failing this test you will lose whatever respect for him you still have left. So if you want to save your marriage and want to be able to respect your husband then break the cycle, even if you are the one that is in the right.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Well Ill say this, we have agreed upon these 5 things:

1. He is not gonna be at my side every time I go out. Can't remember who said that they would until a restraining order got issued...but that is not in the least bit healthy to be under someone all the time like that. I have to say the marriage would be over if he refused to respect my space.

2. As long as my friend is not some scum bag out doing all this crazy crap..My friends will not be dictated by him. His trust should have to do 100% with me, not the person I'm with. And I certainly dont try to hand pick his buddies. If he wants to give me an ultimatum the marriage is over.

3. I will cut down going out. If he continues to make no attempt and making plans for us and sits on that computer, I will fill my time with going out again.

4. He will attempt to have some sort of social life with me...but not necessarily in the club/bar scene. When we go out and I strike up a convo with someone...he needs to join in and not complain later that I was ignoring him. 

5. We love each other and we both have major flaws but we can work it out. Divorce is not an option.

I wish marriage was easy:scratchhead:


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## being the best me (Apr 25, 2011)

1. The both of you need to learn how to make each other a priority in your lives, you going out with out him every weekend or even every other weekend is still to much, maybe once a month for dinner or a movie would be OK, but bars and clubs are meet markets that a married women with any kind of morals should never due
2. You should only have friends of your marriage, you need to talk to your husband and find out why he dislikes her and try and resolve any issues, both of you should trust but verify, espcially since he has strayed, in a marriage there should be no ultimatums
3.See #1
4.See#1 and maybe he should read a self help book about how to effectivly comunicate
5.If you love each other, both of you need to work on having open and honest dicusions with out interuptions to iron out your differences and mutually agree opun things instead of comprimizing, with comprimizing there is a win/loose and that will lead to resentment which i think is a major problem with you marriage write now.

If every thing in life was easy you would never reap the benifits of the hard work you do in life


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

being the best me said:


> 1. The both of you need to learn how to make each other a priority in your lives, you going out with out him every weekend or even every other weekend is still to much, maybe once a month for dinner or a movie would be OK, but bars and clubs are meet markets that a married women with any kind of morals should never due
> 2. You should only have friends of your marriage, you need to talk to your husband and find out why he dislikes her and try and resolve any issues, both of you should trust but verify, espcially since he has strayed, in a marriage there should be no ultimatums
> 3.See #1
> 4.See#1 and maybe he should read a self help book about how to effectivly comunicate
> ...


Very well said, I have to quote for truth.

The only thing I would add is the developing of clear agreed upon boundaries that are appropriate for married people, not for married people who want to behave like they are still single.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> Well Ill say this, we have agreed upon these 5 things:
> 
> 2. As long as my friend is not some scum bag out doing all this crazy crap..My friends will not be dictated by him. His trust should have to do 100% with me, not the person I'm with. And I certainly dont try to hand pick his buddies. If he wants to give me an ultimatum the marriage is over.
> 
> ...


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Did you expect to come here and have all us rally behind you and call him a jerk and say "You go girl!"? Cuz it almost seems like that's what you expected. You seem resistant to any of our advice...


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

DayDream said:


> Did you expect to come here and have all us rally behind you and call him a jerk and say "You go girl!"? Cuz it almost seems like that's what you expected. You seem resistant to any of our advice...


She's already cheating or prepping to cheat and is only looking for some validation. In that case doccool(dot)com is the ideal site for you OP. People of similar values and lifestyle as yourself post over there. You'll get real support there.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

DayDream said:


> Did you expect to come here and have all us rally behind you and call him a jerk and say "You go girl!"? Cuz it almost seems like that's what you expected. You seem resistant to any of our advice...


that's not the sense I get, I think it is great she has found TAM because the people here can offer invaluable wisdom, learned from hard earned experience.

Going out dancing is not going to result in you being a weak little girl taking the first chance you can to cheat (though that is where lots of weak women go to cheat forsure), but it is vastly different being hit on in a bar than at the grocery store - the main reason being that people go to the store for groceries, and they go to bars for attention from the opposite sex (even if you shut them down by not letting them buy you drinks). Any married man should despise their W going to the bar because the choice to go there is a choice to go specifically where men are eyeing you up.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Lon said:


> that's not the sense I get, I think it is great she has found TAM because the people here can offer invaluable wisdom, learned from hard earned experience.
> 
> *Agreed. The sad part is she does seem concerned about their marriage but after hearing time and time again what she's doing is wrong (and she needs to remember that she is posting here and not her husband) she still seems to be determined to go full steam into that brick wall. *
> 
> Going out dancing is not going to result in you being a weak little girl taking the first chance you can to cheat (though that is where lots of weak women go to cheat forsure), but it is vastly different being hit on in a bar than at the grocery store - the main reason being that people go to the store for groceries, and they go to bars for attention from the opposite sex (even if you shut them down by not letting them buy you drinks). Any married man should despise their W going to the bar because the choice to go there is a choice to go specifically where men are eyeing you up.


*Again I agree since this was the idea behind my last comment! *


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Toffer said:


> *Again I agree since this was the idea behind my last comment! *


Yes, but I was trying to elaborate on that, and even go so far as insinuate that the going to a bar without your h, knowing he doesn't like it is a flagrant sign of disrespect especially if it's a regular thing.

Her perception though is that it is not the dance club her h is threatened by, it's any time she is spending with her friend.

I'm not going to say that dancing nor the op is in the wrong, however her choices are one half of equation and it does seem that they both have work to do if they want a successful marriage and family.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

I came to the site to get other opinions. Its easy to get used to fighting and knowing your right and hearing his same argument over and over. In response to whoever said I wanted a rally

Also the word over night was never used in my sentence about him changing things, as that would obviously be unlikely.

Also I have never cheated or wanted to cheat on my husband, so thats just ridiculous. I already have one mans issues to deal with. No thank you.

Its a bit much to be trying to choose friends for a SO...thats just sheer insecurities and control issues. If a SO wants to cheat then they will, with out without this nudge of a friend. 

I'm not putting myself in the club situation to be hit on. When I am hit on, I tell whoever that I am married, END OF STORY....I dont understand what you dont get. :scratchhead:

My girlfriend was a friend of this marriage and he started hating her for no reason. Even when I ask him why, he has no response besides "you two spend too much time together". Every one of our old friends say what happened to him, hes a a**hole now! 

Every other week out, is not excessive as he has said so himself. We used to alternate weekends to go out with friends, but he stopped having as much to do.

Bottom line, I want him to work out his issues. I wont suffer for his insecurities that he has had since day 1 of this. I wont take the rage. I wont have my life written out for me because he's scared I might do something. He is pushing me farther away with it all.
Marriage doesn't mean you shut everyone out of your life and spend 100% of your time with you SO, it means you have a joined life, but also have time with others. I am more than willing to do things together and work on balancing things out.

Thanks again guys


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

And so it continues:

"Every other week out, is not excessive as he has said so himself. We used to alternate weekends to go out with friends, but he stopped having as much to do"

So if one of you is out each weekend, when did you think you'd spend any real time together?

"Bottom line, I want him to work out his issues. I wont suffer for his insecurities that he has had since day 1 of this. I wont take the rage. I wont have my life written out for me because he's scared I might do something. He is pushing me farther away with it all"

So when you re-read this, it doesn't come of as a tad bit controlling to you? What about addressing your issues?

"Marriage doesn't mean you shut everyone out of your life"

Yeaah, I never said that

"I'm not putting myself in the club situation to be hit on" Yes, you are. You come off like you despise the idea that men hit on you in the grocery store and yet you place yourself week after week in a place where you're practically guaranteed to get hit on


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Toffer said:


> And so it continues:
> 
> "Every other week out, is not excessive as he has said so himself. We used to alternate weekends to go out with friends, but he stopped having as much to do"
> 
> ...


Believe it or not women don't live for random men's attention. I dont CARE if they hit on me. We spend the whole night hanging with females that we see. A bunch of girls in a group laughing and having fun is a great time. I dont need a man there at all! And when the grocery store does happen he says crazy thinks like "I'm just gonna start knocking people out."....He gets mad at me! Not necessary. I can't control other people's actions, no matter what the setting or situation.

It wasn't you who said about shutting people out, I was refering to someone else.

And I have many issues that I want to address but I am afraid of working on things alone and in vain. Whats wrong with wanting to see that he wants to work out his issues too? I was actually realizing and discussing with him that a lot of what I do or fail to do is defense mechanisms from being hurt before. I feel like if I put only a certain of percent in...only that percent can be hurt. I want to see him go all in before I do. And its a dumb and destructive way to be, but when he cheated on me I had a mental breakdown, I wouldnt wish what I felt on my worse enemy. Sometimes I feel I would do anything to never feel that again
Yes, I trust him but it can never be 100% again. But other limbs have grown from that tree and I need to work on cutting them. But it is hard.

The weekend includes Fri and Sat. Neither one of us take both of those days to go out with friends. Goin out every other weekend, alternating was actually working out pretty well. I just dont know what happened.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

> I'm not putting myself in the club situation to be hit on. When I am hit on, I tell whoever that I am married, END OF STORY....I dont understand what you dont get. :scratchhead:


I think everyone thinks they view night clubs differently, and even though I personally have never felt comfortable in them I am very open minded, but I really can't see how a person would be completely indifferent if people were making passes at them. Even if you turn them down, doesn't it give you even just the faintest sense of feeling desired? Even if it's chumps, any normal human would feel flattered to be receiving attention from the opposite sex, and to me I just can't help but believe that anyone whom is attached, in a place that is sure to promote that kind of activity, without their spouse is directly soliciting attention from the opposite sex. Now I've been told off for refusing to acknowledge it is just about the music and the workout, but if so then I guess they are going in sweatpants and don't do up their hair or makeup.

As to the frequency of going out, that really is up to individuals, but if anyone is taking more opportunities to spend the time alone then to spend a quality experience to their spouse, it is not really a marriage, and ultimately both partners are equally responsible and are not in a position to make excuses.


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## being the best me (Apr 25, 2011)

You have to understand that the both of you are one, you both need to sit down and discuss how you feel about his control & jealousy issues (I don't believe he is being controlling, i just think the both of you don't know how to comunicate). You both need to open up and come up with a game plan on how you can spend more uninteruped time together with out distractions so you can work on growing a bond together then these issues will probably go away.


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## being the best me (Apr 25, 2011)

By the way how old are you guys?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"And I have many issues that I want to address but I am afraid of working on things alone and in vain"

It is often said here that the only person you can truly fix is yourself.

You should move forward with counseling for yourself. Give it your all. It won't be in vain especially if the two of you can't pull this marriage out of the tailspin it currently seems to be in

Good Luck


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

No Lon, I'd like it if my husband gave me some compliments once in a while. But thats a whole other issue.
And we dont even dance...we sit at the bar or private area with girlfriends. 
Its easy to get caught up in sweat pants and no makeup being with the kids all the time, but I enjoy getting dressed up and reclaiming a little bit of myself. I get dressed and come downstairs and have to literally fish for a compliment from hubby. He says I know i look good so why should he say so? What??
We go to places where the men there are not my type, but the music is. Hubby knows that I have no interest in a certain type of man, but those are the ones who tend to try to pick me up.
I never said they weren't nice compliments, but life goes on with or without them. My hubby would tell me Im beautiful because he thinks so, not because he wants my number. There is a clear value on what people say based on what they mean to you.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

He is 29 and I am 26


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

vspinkgrl, I'm truly sorry that you are not getting the affection you NEED from your H, it is a very frustrating thing. Your H certainly is neglecting you, however I really sense (especially since you suspect he is "jealous") that you WANT him to feel jealous and are driven in part to make him feel jealous. Trying to make him more jealous isn't going to get him to pay the attention to you crave and require.

To me it is apparent you are losing respect and attraction for each other - it is not about communicating more, its about defining each of your roles in the marriage and each doing more to meet the other ones needs before you check out of the marriage.

I hope he can get his head out of his @ss soon, and I hope you are willing to do whatever it takes to help him get there, for the sake of both of your happiness.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> If he wants to give me an ultimatum the marriage is over.





vspinkgrl said:


> Divorce is not an option.


Interesting you could say both these things in the same post.

That aside....I have two suggestions, neither terribly original.

First, you need to plan quality time together. Find a hobby you can pursue together, date nights, or whatever. Far better to be creating positive experiences and feelings. When you do that a lot of the negative goes away. You might think you are doing a right thing to not use baby sitters, but if your marriage falls apart over it, maybe the greater good has not been served.

Secondly, talk about what is a reasonable amount of time to spend with girlfriend. Get an agreement to measure things by.

And finally an observation. Often we are told that guys don't get feelings or have emotional intelligence and that we could learn a lot from women. Well my wife got sucked into a six month affair by a young guy who just wanted sex. And she, normally is a moral and decent person. In my time on TAM, something that has rally surprised me is how common that scenario was. At first I assumed woman were realising it happened, that me wife was saying what she said out of shame, but I am beginning to believe women honestly have a blind spot...that they cannot always recognise when they are being hit on, and worse, that a large number of women succumb. So I know you know your heart, and i am not questioning you, but I am suggesting you set strong boundaries that err on the side of caution, just in case you are more fallible than you realise.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Hahahaha! I have an idea. You stay home and take care of the children. Your husband and I will go out and have a nice evening. What? you don't trust me? Why, I have never! (Yes, I have A LOT!)


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yes, you are both good and decent people, but you are living separate lives, eventually one of you will decide that the marriage is interfering with something you need/want. You can begin to repair this now or you can leave it to fester and get worse.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Thank you.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> And I'd like to add...It wasn't physical with the guy. It was physical with me.


vspinkgrl,
It is never ok for a man to hit a woman under any circumstance.
So I condemn his actions in that aspect.

The relationship between you and your husband sounds a bit dysfunctional.
You guys are young.
May I suggest that you all put all bitterness and rancour aside,and visit a Marriage Counsellor as soon as possible?
Some of the " fundamentals" seem to be missing
After all, there's a baby involved.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Bottom line, I want him to work out his issues.




Because going out clubbing is more important than being married to that guy of course!

The problem your husband has isn't that he is controlling. If he was he would have stomped this way back then or you would have broken off and he could have found a woman who places him ahead of going "clubbing".

Personally i think he is wasting time with you. Some of these days he will grow a spine and then you may be taken away the ability to chose to work on your marriage, because by then he may not be interested. 

Sorry if this doesn't fit with all the entitlement scene you have going there, but i haven't taken the brainwash pill that makes some guys get walked all over by women.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Because going out clubbing is more important than being married to that guy of course!
> 
> The problem your husband has isn't that he is controlling. If he was he would have stomped this way back then or you would have broken off and he could have found a woman who places him ahead of going "clubbing".
> 
> ...


I guess its a good thing you and I aren't married then


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> vspinkgrl,
> It is never ok for a man to hit a woman under any circumstance.
> So I condemn his actions in that aspect.
> 
> ...


And he has been physical with me on a few occasions. Enough to count on one hand, but I have been scared for my life a few times. He is such an angry person, I want him to seek help for that.
I have put up with A LOT with him. I think it speaks mountains that I am still here, as much as I improperly cope, I KNOW hes a great husband and father but is absolutely blinded by jealousy and insecurity.
We have already agreed to seek counseling with a different counselor. The first one accounted this all to money somehow.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> I guess its a good thing you and I aren't married then


Believe me, we would never be.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Physical violence is hard to get past and the cheating just compounds your issues

Somebody get the doctor to call this one. Looks lIke another DOA
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Physical violence is hard to get past and the cheating just compounds your issues
> 
> Somebody get the doctor to call this one. Looks lIke another DOA
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Eh, I'm 100% sure we can work it out if we both let go of some things.


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## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

Have your girlfriend babysit and go out dancing with your husband. Problem solved. 

That will be $150.00 please.

You say the kids are too young? No way. They sleep 90 percent of the time.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

bbrad said:


> Have your girlfriend babysit and go out dancing with your husband. Problem solved.
> 
> That will be $150.00 please.
> 
> You say the kids are too young? No way. They sleep 90 percent of the time.


I think the dancing is over for us. He makes me so uncomfortable now. I love cooking together and debating world issues together. We do have our activities

But my 6 month old is still too young. I go to class twice a week for a few hours and she still struggles to stay with dad. My 6 yr old stays with my mom and sisters often.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

vspinkgrl said:


> I'm not putting myself in the club situation to be hit on. When I am hit on, I tell whoever that I am married, END OF STORY....I dont understand what you dont get. :scratchhead:


What _I_ don't get is that if you're not going to the clubs to party with men, why _do you_ go? You WILL GET HIT ON there. There are a million other places you can go where it won't happen as much. Places that are not in existence for THAT EXACT REASON. Maybe I'm slow, but that's the part that confuses me.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

vspinkgrl said:


> And we dont even dance...we sit at the bar or private area with girlfriends.


OK. That answers my last post. You're a liar. A club is the BEST place to sit with your girlfriends and chat? That is a lie. Ladies, what am I missing? Is she in denial and NOT a liar? With that last statement, I am now TOTALLY confused about her intention. I guess I AM slow.

I am having a HORRIBLE time understanding that a bunch of gals sitting around in a group at a meat market aren't there to get hit on A LOT. I can almost guarantee there are one or two gals in the group that DON'T say "I'm married end of story'.

This isn't adding up. Could it be a case of "If he doesn't shape up, I know EXACTLY what my value is to a replacement.

Time for my :scratchhead:


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

MrK said:


> What _I_ don't get is that if you're not going to the clubs to party with men, why _do you_ go? You WILL GET HIT ON there. There are a million other places you can go where it won't happen as much. Places that are not in existence for THAT EXACT REASON. Maybe I'm slow, but that's the part that confuses me.


Personally i think married women with that behavior are not "looking to cheat". But they are searching for the ego boost that being hit on provides. Specially women whose husband's don't fill their "compliment tank" as the woman perceives it.

So they seek assurance from putting themselves in that situation, in clubs and/or bars. 

Of course, this also opens them to advances by men, even when the woman is not searching for it. The same vulnerabilities that lead them to the spot can be exploited by guys who know how to use the right buttons. 

Hence the whole "it just happened" crap you listen to over and over. 

Fact is, there isn't a single thing that makes these nocturnal entertainment spots "special" other than the fact that they are meat markets. There you will find people looking to buy, looking to sell and, most of all, people not looking to sell but wanting to know exactly their worth in the reproductive game.

In this last category you will include married women who go there and talk about "girl bubble" and really have little clue about how easy it is to burst it and isolate them into a potentially bad situation.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Funny. I just clicked out to the main page and the title of the thread jumped out at me. "No social life". I wish MY social life sucked as much as yours.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

The Middleman said:


> I don't have time this morning to go into a long answer why your attitude about this is toxic to your marriage. You were asking for opinions and you got them, but it seems that you don't like them. Married women going out dancing without their husbands, put themselves in situations where they are closely socially interacting with other men, where they can be close physically and are under the influence of alcohol. Your husband's jealousy is not jealousy but a protective mechanism to defend his marriage. Whether you realize it or not, you are setting yourself up for infidelity. It might not be your intention, but you are putting yourself at risk because you don't have as much self control as you think you have. Just read around these boards here and see how many "Girls Nights Out" lead to affairs and One Night Stands, it happens a lot.
> 
> 
> Your husband is right .. you are wrong. And you really need to dump your toxic girlfriend. One thing I don't understand is why he just doesn't go with you regardless if you want him there or not? Why does he stay home? If I were your husband I'd be by your side every time you went out and not give a crap what you thought. And I wouldn't stop it until the restraining order comes down from a court.
> ...


Did you miss the part about how he used to go out all the time early in their marriage? And cheated on HER. No, her H is not 'right', he's projecting as well as jealous. He had his fun now he wants to control her.

You have no evidence to support telling her so directly "you don't have as much self-control as you think you do". How the hell do you know ? Using examples from this board of GNO's gone wrong says nothing about her or even the majority of women. Most women who are in a good loving relationship are not going to cheat just because some men showed them some attention. Women are not children who need to be chaperoned. This is not Saudi Arabia.
If anything, cheating has been a MAN's game for thousands of years. Even an entitlement in some societies and times. 

Acting inappropriately, as some will do, is not to be tolerated from either sex. But if marriage is a prison And you think you're the warden.... I don't want it. 

Thank God for my husband!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'd much rather spend the weekends with my children then at a club. There are many nights where my girls stay up late or need their mom because they are ill or have a sport game(which go to 10:30pm Sat nights). I guess my husband and I are very family oriented. Our children and us are the center of our lives, not our friends. My children are my world and so is my husband. I choose being a wife and a mother equally verses the single life. Well, my husband and our marriage does come first by a smudge. Our marriage is strong and very fulfilling because my husband and I put each other at the top of the priority list. We have a very strong and deep bond with each other. We've been married over 12 years and still hold hands every night. My children would rather be with us and us together. 

I understand wanting to get away and have a good time with the girls, but every weekend or even every other weekend is a bit much in my opinion. I do not find your husband controlling at all, just a man who wants to bond with his wife. He may decide to leave if you continue down this path. To each their own I guess. Maybe being almost 40, raised one daughter already and raising two more with my husband is a bit old fashioned. We like play games with our girls as a family, especially the wii games. 

We do have our free time away from each other. It's just not that often, just a few times a year. Especially around hunting time. My husband will take trips to hunt and fish. The rewards are great! 40lbs of wild Alaskan salmon and venison! My two favorite foods! 

Anyways, what you do with your life is up to you. If you are having issues in your marriage, work on those issues instead of being so closed minded. Talk to your husband and not us. Find a compromise. If not, you'll continue down this path and your husband may eventually leave and find a woman who likes to spend time with him.

In my mid 20's I'd leave with a friend everyday for 1 hour. We would run together, not sit at a bar. I do care about getting hit on, so I don't put myself in those situations if possible. Neither does my husband.

Good luck with whatever happens down the road. Your marriage most likely will not last if you continue going out every weekend. That's all I have to say.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> Did you miss the part about how he used to go out all the time early in their marriage? And cheated on HER. No, her H is not 'right', he's projecting as well as jealous. He had his fun now he wants to control her.
> 
> You have no evidence to support telling her so directly "you don't have as much self-control as you think you do". How the hell do you know ? Using examples from this board of GNO's gone wrong says nothing about her or even the majority of women. Most women who are in a good loving relationship are not going to cheat just because some men showed them some attention. Women are not children who need to be chaperoned. This is not Saudi Arabia.
> If anything, cheating has been a MAN's game for thousands of years. Even an entitlement in some societies and times.
> ...


How do you know what she's saying is the truth? First she says she's going out dancing and then she stated she does not dance. She sits at the table and drinks.

What is the truth here? I'm assuming she is saying this about her husband from nearly everyone against her on the clubbing. This looks like an excuse to get symphony. 

Anyways, I'm checking out of this post. I'm not coming back.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I'd much rather spend the weekends with my children then at a club. There are many nights where my girls stay up late or need their mom because they are ill or have a sport game(which go to 10:30pm Sat nights). I guess my husband and I are very family oriented. Our children and us are the center of our lives, not our friends. My children are my world and so is my husband. I choose being a wife and a mother equally verses the single life. Well, my husband and our marriage does come first by a smudge. Our marriage is strong and very fulfilling because my husband and I put each other at the top of the priority list. We have a very strong and deep bond with each other. We've been married over 12 years and still hold hands every night. My children would rather be with us and us together.
> 
> I understand wanting to get away and have a good time with the girls, but every weekend or even every other weekend is a bit much in my opinion. I do not find your husband controlling at all, just a man who wants to bond with his wife. He may decide to leave if you continue down this path. To each their own I guess. Maybe being almost 40, raised one daughter already and raising two more with my husband is a bit old fashioned. We like play games with our girls as a family, especially the wii games.
> 
> ...


I'm like this too, but I do have to admit it was an adjustment getting used to having little ones and maturing in my teens to mid 20's and becoming maternal and a homebody like this. The older the little ones get, the easier it will be to become "family oriented" hopefully. And everyone's adjusting period is different I guess.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Personally i think married women with that behavior are not "looking to cheat". But they are searching for the ego boost that being hit on provides. Specially women whose husband's don't fill their "compliment tank" as the woman perceives it.
> 
> So they seek assurance from putting themselves in that situation, in clubs and/or bars.
> 
> *Of course, this also opens them to advances by men, even when the woman is not searching for it. The same vulnerabilities that lead them to the spot can be exploited by guys who know how to use the right buttons. *


BULLSEYE!

You just missed one little detail .
Seduction. 
Being under the influence of alcohol drops inhibitions ,seeking and receiving sexual validation heightens desire and biology takes over.
It makes seduction sooooo much easier.
Clubs are not designed for married people. They are for singles looking for sex. Nothing is wrong with that, if you are single.
Having problems would make it much easier for seduction.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> Did you miss the part about how he used to go out all the time early in their marriage? And cheated on HER. No, her H is not 'right', he's projecting as well as jealous. He had his fun now he wants to control her.
> 
> *Could it also be that he feels a sense of insecurity because he cheated and he's hoping that the same doesn't happen to her? Did you miss the part where she declared in one post that she wouldn't stand for any ultimatiums from him but then in another post stated HER ultimatum to him?
> 
> ...


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> What's wrong with a woman going out dancing with her girlfriend who has a husband herself. Her husband doesn't care if she goes out. We are there talking to people we know and having some drinks...not flashing our good around or anything. And as I expressed its gone well and beyond "a little jealousy". I can take that. I'm not about to be accused of cheating or have my night ruined because a male speaks to me. We are not teenagers.
> If he has shown that his jealousy has let up a bit, I would definitely go out with him again. And I have told him that.


you did nothing wrong

thus the problem does not exist

is this what you wish to hear?

you are right

carry on


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Firstly whoever "checked out" of the post has a very hearty farewell from me.
Everything I have said is the truth. The private area of the club we frequent gives us a view of everything without the music being so loud. so yes socialization is quite possible without dancing. The hitting on usually occurs at the bar or after the club has closed and we are walking to our cars. All the women I hang out with are taken, if they are taking numbers I dont see it nor do I care.
I stand strongly by my statement of I'm not gonna stop going somewhere just because men cant keep their tongues in their mouth's. I'm NOT there for that and its a simple as that. And I am not vulnerable to any of that crap I'm soooo turned on by "baby, I wanna slurp you up!"..."Damn, you fine! You got a man? You do?...he won't let you have friends?!"...:rofl: Gawd I'm all hot and bothered writing about it! Men definitely underestimate the "pfft whatever" of women, seriously. 
Hubby has also expressed that its not so much where I go, he gets mad at the amount I go. Which I will definitely change for him. 
His last GF was cheating on him for a while and took off in the end with a guy she was screwing. He never got to tell her how he felt. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting the butt of all that. And he has preconceived notions about all women. He doesn't trust me off that bat because of what happened. Even though he tells me all the time I dont really think you would cheat on me. I do think he is trying to protect himself, and as much as I hate it, I can understand it.
And the "abuse" is not a card. I honestly wasn't going to even bring it up until people were commending him for standing up to the guy who hugged me. I felt I needed to clear that up. And he has spoke to a psychiatrist about his anger as I DID give him an ultimatum regarding that and he has definitely stepped up to the plate on that.
We do spend time as a family, but hubby has a hard time getting "motivated" for that. I do still have to drag him to do family things, but I have given him the benefit of the doubt, we have three daughters so going to get our nails done, or watching a princess movie might not get a yahoo response. We usually do things as a family on Sunday and have gone to church (which I am very proud of!) as a family! I have no complaints about us as mom and dad.

This is a great forum and I have offered a little input to others who have posted. But some users are a little:scratchhead: I definitely don't want to be disrespectful but geesh.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Oh and I'd like to reiterate that I am not getting drunk! I come home from going out and my little girl wakes up to BF. I'm not getting trashed and then feeding my baby. There is no seduction to be had under alcohol there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

vspinkgrl said:


> I think the dancing is over for us. He makes me so uncomfortable now. I love cooking together and debating world issues together. We do have our activities
> 
> But my 6 month old is still too young. I go to class twice a week for a few hours and she still struggles to stay with dad. My 6 yr old stays with my mom and sisters often.


Why do you call it dancing then say well, you really do not dance but instead just sit around and tak with your friends.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

vspinkgrl said:


> This is a great forum and I have offered a little input to others who have posted. But some users are a little:scratchhead: I definitely don't want to be disrespectful but geesh.


The ones who are judging you without really knowing you or all the ones who are more blunt and are just telling you things you may not want to hear? And you are being disrespectful...you are getting all haughty and flippant with the people who are trying to make you see things objectively and not necessarily paiting you in a good light (keep in mind they are going by what they are seeing here only). You did want help, right?


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Why do you call it dancing then say well, you really do not dance but instead just sit around and tak with your friends.


It's called back-peddaling.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

I'm not getting haughty nor flippant. I am not perfect at all! All of you have probably been married longer than me. 8 years of being together is a microscopic dot on how long married people are supposed to be together. I came here for other perspectives. But, yes some people shouldn't even be responding here as they obviously have unresolved, unhealthy issues from their own past they are using here.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

OK. That explains it all. Keep going out. Have fun.

I SOOO don't even know what this thread is about any more.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Nobody's relationships are perfect, and yes some of the guys on here who probably have unresolved feelings from being hurt should take it a bit more easy...but keep in mind everyone here is only going off of what we have heard. 

I've been here awhile. Maybe it would help to take a little more time with the posts you read and digest them a little, be more objective, then thoughtfully post a response. A few of your responses have seemed to jump right to being really defensive rather than weighing the words of the respondee.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

MrK said:


> OK. That explains it all. Keep going out. Have fun.
> 
> I SOOO don't even know what this thread is about any more.


Ok, MrK. Maybe these kinds of posts aren't helpful.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

DayDream said:


> Ok, MrK. Maybe these kinds of posts aren't helpful.


Hey. It's what she wants to hear, and I'm here to help.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

DayDream said:


> It's called back-peddaling.


 And for what reason would I need to do this. When my gf calls me and says "lets do something this weeked?"...I says "what?"....says "lets go out dancing"...or "lets go out clubbing". 
Forgive me if I didn't use the correct terminology.

The dance floor of a club is a stifling place and I don't do middle of the crowd, no exit visible activities. If we cant get the private area for that night and it gets too crowded in there, you better believe I am out the door! Even when hubby and I went together we NEVER danced in the crowd like that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

To have a healthy marriage/relationship, you and your husband should be spending around 15 hours a week together doing one-on-one things. 

You doing homework and him on the computer do not count because you are not focused on each ohter. If you do not get that kind of time together, just the two of you, your marriage will most likely fail. It sounds like it's alrealdy well down the path to failure right now.

My suggestion is that you get the book linked in my signature block below... "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". The two of you read them do the work they suggest. This would change your marriage for the better.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

DayDream said:


> Nobody's relationships are perfect, and yes some of the guys on here who probably have unresolved feelings from being hurt should take it a bit more easy...but keep in mind everyone here is only going off of what we have heard.
> 
> I've been here awhile. Maybe it would help to take a little more time with the posts you read and digest them a little, be more objective, then thoughtfully post a response. A few of your responses have seemed to jump right to being really defensive rather than weighing the words of the respondee.


You are 100% right about be jumping to be defensive. I am always on the defense when hubby and I fight. I assume since you have been here a while that you have dealt with many different personalities and situations. 
Hubby tells me all the time I can never lay down and take a tongue lashing. I know I'm argumentative and stubborn, especially when I'm passionate about something. I am sorry if it seems I'm being bull-headed. I actually have heard a lot of what your saying before, and a lot of the stuff you guys are saying about being resentful, etc is true.
Our marriage is at a crossroads, but I think we have done the right thing by agreeing to get back into our counseling.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Why do you call it dancing then say well, you really do not dance but instead just sit around and tak with your friends.



I was talking about the dancing between hubby and I in that post.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

vspinkgrl said:


> And for what reason would I need to do this. When my gf calls me and says "lets do something this weeked?"...I says "what?"....says "lets go out dancing"...or "lets go out clubbing".
> Forgive me if I didn't use the correct terminology.
> 
> The dance floor of a club is a stifling place and I don't do middle of the crowd, no exit visible activities. If we cant get the private area for that night and it gets too crowded in there, you better believe I am out the door! Even when hubby and I went together we NEVER danced in the crowd like that.


The words used are very important. Since you used the word 'dancing' the impression most got, myself included, is that you and your friend go out a few times a month to dance... hence you are meeting men to dance with. 

From your early posts I too had the impression that you were spending those evenings, well dancing with men you met at the bar/club.

If my husband went out without me to dance a few times a month I'd be livid.

Since you said 'dancing' you will have to forgive people if they took your word for it.

About the friend hugging you incident. I think this is very cultural. I'm very huggy. I grew up in a Irish/Italian/Hispanic family. Everyone hugs and kisses on the cheek hello and good bye. This includes friends. Yes it even includes my high school boyfriend who sitll hangs out with my family so I see him a few times a year.

Some people are huggers.

Then there is the typical American ... "DO NOT TOUCH ME" attitude. People who were brought up like this view any physcial touch at all as being sexual or seductive. If your husband was brought up like this I can see how he could be upset with a friend hugging you. I think it's silly but if that's how he was brought up... well you married him. So you really do need to respect his limits.

And if you were brought up in a more huggy type of atmospher he needs to work on understanding the differences between the two of you as well.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Thanks Ele girl, I definitely don't think this will work itself out the way we are going.
Last night we both turned our computers off for a while and watched a movie together. I know we are headed in the right path.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

What EleGirl said. Some people take words at face-value. Like I don't know how many times I've gotten into an argument with my husband because I used certain terminology to describe something and he took it at face value, then I've had to "back-pedal" to say, "No, I didn't mean it like that." and we've argued about it back and forth. So these days I've learned to choose my words wisely and think about the things I say. Especially as I've gotten older and work with so many different cultures. It's just something you learn as time goes on...to make sure you are clear on a point with everyone. As you can see the effects of it here.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

vspinkgrl said:


> Thanks Ele girl, I definitely don't think this will work itself out the way we are going.
> Last night we both turned our computers off for a while and watched a movie together. I know we are headed in the right path.


Progress! :smthumbup:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

vspinkgrl said:


> Thanks Ele girl, I definitely don't think this will work itself out the way we are going.
> Last night we both turned our computers off for a while and watched a movie together. I know we are headed in the right path.


Watching a movie together does not cound towards the 15 hours a week of one-on-one time. You are focused on the movie, not each other. It's a good start but finding things to do that entails the two of you focused on each other is the trick.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Follow the below interactions……………..
Post #2


EleGirl said:


> Where do you go when you go out with your friend?


Post #3


vspinkgrl said:


> We go out dancing, shopping, nail shop...woman things.


Post #91


EleGirl said:


> Why do you call it dancing then say well, you really do not dance but instead just sit around and tak with your friends.


Post #102


vspinkgrl said:


> I was talking about the dancing between hubby and I in that post.


In post #3 you clearly stated that you go out dancing with your friend… you even called it “woman things”.

Like I said you cannot blame people for taking you at your word. I’m not coming down on you. I’m pointing out why people got the impression that you are out meeting men to dance with.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

vspinkgrl said:


> You are 100% right about be jumping to be defensive. I am always on the defense when hubby and I fight. I assume since you have been here a while that you have dealt with many different personalities and situations.
> Hubby tells me all the time I can never lay down and take a tongue lashing. I know I'm argumentative and stubborn, especially when I'm passionate about something. I am sorry if it seems I'm being bull-headed. I actually have heard a lot of what your saying before, and a lot of the stuff you guys are saying about being resentful, etc is true.
> Our marriage is at a crossroads, but I think we have done the right thing by agreeing to get back into our counseling.


Now why exactly are you supposed to take a tongue lashing? :scratchhead:


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Yes Ele girl I was speaking about my friends in post 3 but in the post that was quoted where I said "the dancing is over for us"...I was talking about the dancing with my husband.
And as I specifically stated that I was out socializing with gfs and not men countless times, I have a hard time seeing that I said I was out bumping bodies with men.

Maybe a tongue lashing is harsh wording. I have a hard time taking the opinion or even fact that "your wrong" without having a rebuttal.

I know some things we can do together as a couple and I want to bring them to him, but If I dont we will fall back into the same routine because he doesn't put forth the effort I do in finding activities for us. But he can come up with ideas for his computer buddies all the time. I don't know if I'm right or wrong for feeling I have to suffer for not wanting to make up for his shortcoming there, but I'm struggling really bad with it.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> . And he has spoke to a psychiatrist about his anger as I DID give him an ultimatum regarding that and he has definitely stepped up to the plate on that.
> 
> *OK. I wasn't talking about that ultimatium....The one I was talking about was this:
> 
> ...


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Toffer said:


> vspinkgrl said:
> 
> 
> > . And he has spoke to a psychiatrist about his anger as I DID give him an ultimatum regarding that and he has definitely stepped up to the plate on that.
> ...


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## tiredwife&sahm (Jan 4, 2012)

Toffer said:


> He never made plans before and now you expect him to change overnight. Doesn't this fall under your dictum of "If he wants to give me an ultimatum the marriage is over"
> ?[/B]


It shouldn't be that hard since he is the one claiming that they need to spend more time together. Why complain about it and not have a way to fix it? Honestly, I think the whole "we don't spend any time together" line is a smoke screen although true. If she stopped going out with her friends completely and started staying home like he wants, I'm almost certain it would be the status quo unless OP makes all the plans for him and her. Only change would be is that they wouldn't have this to argue about anymore so there would be more peace in the home. This whole thing is about him not liking her being out with this friend all the time and his insecurities about her and other men.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

tiredwife&sahm said:


> It shouldn't be that hard since he is the one claiming that they need to spend more time together. Why complain about it and not have a way to fix it? Honestly, I think the whole "we don't spend any time together" line is a smoke screen although true. If she stopped going out with her friends completely and started staying home like he wants, I'm almost certain it would be the status quo unless OP makes all the plans for him and her. Only change would be is that they wouldn't have this to argue about anymore so there would be more peace in the home. This whole thing is about him not liking her being out with this friend all the time and his insecurities about her and other men.


_Posted via Mobile Device_
This is how I feel as well.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Watching a movie together does not cound towards the 15 hours a week of one-on-one time. You are focused on the movie, not each other. It's a good start but finding things to do that entails the two of you focused on each other is the trick.


I don't entirely agree with this. When my husband and I watch our shows or a movie together, we interact with eachother during. Maybe it depends on if you two sit there stone-quiet together and watch it or not, but my hubby and I are like, "Yeah right! Did you see what that guy did? I'd've been like...blah blah" and stuff like that. Of course, we may annoy the heck out of anybody else watching it with us...but we do try to tone that down a bit when others are viewing it as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

vspinkgrl said:


> Yes Ele girl I was speaking about my friends in post 3 but in the post that was quoted where I said "the dancing is over for us"...I was talking about the dancing with my husband.
> And as I specifically stated that I was out socializing with gfs and not men countless times, I have a hard time seeing that I said I was out bumping bodies with men.
> 
> Maybe a tongue lashing is harsh wording. I have a hard time taking the opinion or even fact that "your wrong" without having a rebuttal.
> ...


I completely get what you are saying about your frustation that you get stuck with having to do the work to plan things together. At some point It gets to feel like the husband really does not care about spending time with you. It most likely leaves you feeling rejected.

A lot of men are like this. They expect their wife to take a lead on social things and spending time together. And a lot of women do take that lead.

We often have men come who complain that their wifes never initiate sex. They say it makes them feel like their wives do not find them attractive and are rejecting them.

Well, a man (or wife) not initialing activities and time together are doing the same thing. They are rejecting their spouse.. it's not just them being clueless or lazy... it's a rejection every bit as much as not initiating sex.

On that topic, how is your sex life with your husband?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DayDream said:


> I don't entirely agree with this. When my husband and I watch our shows or a movie together, we interact with eachother during. Maybe it depends on if you two sit there stone-quiet together and watch it or not, but my hubby and I are like, "Yeah right! Did you see what that guy did? I'd've been like...blah blah" and stuff like that. Of course, we may annoy the heck out of anybody else watching it with us...but we do try to tone that down a bit when others are viewing it as well.


Yes, if you are doing a lot of interaction during a movie or TV watching then I can count as time together. But this is not often the case. 

But a lot of people just focus on the show.

Now watching a movie at a movie theatre is a situation where the couple cannot talk and interact during the show.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Now watching a movie at a movie theatre is a situation where the couple cannot talk and interact during the show.


Really? Oops... 

Just kidding.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Our sex life is good. We have struggled with introducing new things in the bedroom, as my husband takes any "enhancement" tools such as toys as a direct blow to his ego. He has even gone so far as to break my vibrator or check placement of the toy to see if ive used it alone. 
We have grown from that and we frequently use toys together.
Sometimes I bring up other things like wax play, role playing etc. Every time I bring up new things he thinks im u.satisfied though which is a big issue right now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Wow...this guy has some major self-esteem issues or something.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Day yes he does which I was trying to explain in earlier posts. So much of his issue with my social,life is due to his low self worth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

DayDream said:


> Wow...this guy has some major self-esteem issues or something.


Is there a guy that DOESN'T?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

DayDream said:


> Wow...this guy has some major self-esteem issues or something.


Agreed but he's not the one posting here


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

tiredwife&sahm said:


> It shouldn't be that hard since he is the one claiming that they need to spend more time together. Why complain about it and not have a way to fix it? Honestly, I think the whole "we don't spend any time together" line is a smoke screen although true. If she stopped going out with her friends completely and started staying home like he wants, I'm almost certain it would be the status quo unless OP makes all the plans for him and her. Only change would be is that they wouldn't have this to argue about anymore so there would be more peace in the home. This whole thing is about him not liking her being out with this friend all the time and his insecurities about her and other men.


The difference here is that I think the OP's idea of spending time together involves going out and being social since she spends most of her day in the home. I would venture to guess that her husband's idea of spending time together involves something more for just the two of them and perhaps even at the house since his week is spent AWAY from the home!

My wife and I had a very similar dynamic when the kids were younger. She wanted nothing more that to get out of the house and I wanted to spend tme at the house

Also, even now, my wife is more of the planner (always has been) while I'm the type of guy who gets a call from friends and they ask what we are doing now and do we want to meet for dinner or a drink and I usually say "Yes"


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Now watching a movie at a movie theatre is a situation where the couple cannot talk and interact during the show.





DayDream said:


> Really? Oops...
> 
> Just kidding.


Actually DD I am with you on this one. We wil hold hands during a movie in a theatre. We will get dinner before or maybe coffee or a drink after. It is nice. Works for us.

To be honest.....to successfully spent 15 hours a week together some of it needs to be on activities that give you something to talk about.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Going out and expecting to be trusted I get. I also get enjoying the energy of the bar scene vs. sitting around a table at Applebee's. And girlfriends tend to dance in groups, not necessarily with guys so I see it's all innocent.

BUT - you are a wife and a mother. So that's what you signed up for when you married and had children. Your social life takes a different turn as you enter that phase of life. Your social life becomes more about cookouts with couples and date nights with your husband and GNO is an unusual 2-4 times a year event, not weekly or monthly. A 6-month old is perfectly fine being cared for by someone else. Heck, they only require diapers, bottles or baby food and patty cake. Time to let go and spend some quality time with your husband. 

You say your friends are also married - what about a monthly rotation where a couple hosts? It can be to watch sports, play poker, have a family game night... the guys can hang out around the grill the gals can chill in the den... whatever fits your lifestyles and interests. But your form of entertainment should evolve somewhat.

JMO


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Actually husband often brings up that he wants to dance with me and go out for drinks with me like we used to. He doesn't care for staying in the house and finds it an obstacle to us doing something. While i tell him all the time that yes its ideal for us to get out the house together, right now its not possible so lets find some things to do here. 
I mean hes on the computer all day, use google!


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## tiredwife&sahm (Jan 4, 2012)

Toffer said:


> The difference here is that I think the OP's idea of spending time together involves going out and being social since she spends most of her day in the home. I would venture to guess that her husband's idea of spending time together involves something more for just the two of them and perhaps even at the house since his week is spent AWAY from the home!
> 
> My wife and I had a very similar dynamic when the kids were younger. She wanted nothing more that to get out of the house and I wanted to spend tme at the house
> 
> Also, even now, my wife is more of the planner (always has been) while I'm the type of guy who gets a call from friends and they ask what we are doing now and do we want to meet for dinner or a drink and I usually say "Yes"


I guess I feel that people can change, even if he is not a planner he can become one. Plus quality time together is his complaint therefore he should be able to put forth the effort. People like to decide that because they've always been a certain way that they can't possibly be another way and I don't buy it. He can plan something for them to do, but he doesn't want to. Honestly what he wants is to just have his wife home so that he is comfortable and it's nothing wrong with that. He just needs to find another way to communicate that. This is a his needs, her needs type of situation, he needs comfort in knowing that his wife is not in a vulnerable situation and she needs to re-energize from being a sahm by going out. If he is going to ask her to give this up, he needs to be willing to fill the void without excuses.If he doesn't he will have an issue with resentment from her later and I'm speaking from experience. 

What I find odd about all of this though is that when he is home, according to the OP, he is spending his time on the pc. :scratchhead:
This should not be the case if he really wants to spend time together, just saying.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

tiredwife&sahm said:


> What I find odd about all of this though is that when he is home, according to the OP, he is spending his time on the pc. :scratchhead:
> This should not be the case if he really wants to spend time together, just saying.


Don't forget that while he's on the PC she's doing homework!

There seems to be enough blame to go around in this one. Now all someone has to do is stand up and start to deal with it and since the OP is posting and not her husband.............


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Don't forget that while he's on the PC she's doing homework!
> 
> There seems to be enough blame to go around in this one. Now all someone has to do is stand up and start to deal with it and since the OP is posting and not her husband.............


That's why I said earlier on in this thread that they both need to see a marriage counsellor.
It's not a complex issue, but their attitudes towards it make the problem appear worse than it really is.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> Actually husband often brings up that he wants to dance with me and go out for drinks with me like we used to. He doesn't care for staying in the house and finds it an obstacle to us doing something. While i tell him all the time that yes its ideal for us to get out the house together, right now its not possible so lets find some things to do here.
> I mean hes on the computer all day, use google!


It is possible. If you have people you trust, there's no reason to not go out. No reason a 6-month-old infant can't have a babysitter. You are refusing to see alternatives just like he is. I'm a mother, too, but it's fine and healthy to take a breather.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> It is possible. If you have people you trust, there's no reason to not go out. No reason a 6-month-old infant can't have a babysitter. You are refusing to see alternatives just like he is. I'm a mother, too, but it's fine and healthy to take a breather.


Getting a sitter right now just isn't possible right now. We both agree upon this. Some people are ok leaving their child at this point, we aren't until shes at least a year old. 
Unfortunately there wouldnt be much fun going on if i did leave her with someone, as I would be terribly worried.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I stand strongly by my statement of I'm not gonna stop going somewhere just because men cant keep their tongues in their mouth's. I'm NOT there for that and its a simple as that. And I am not vulnerable to any of that crap I'm soooo turned on by "baby, I wanna slurp you up!"..."Damn, you fine! You got a man? You do?...he won't let you have friends?!"... Gawd I'm all hot and bothered writing about it! Men definitely underestimate the "pfft whatever" of women, seriously.


Those are idiots who are doing that for the benefit of their male friends. One of these days you are going to get targeted by a guy who knows what he is doing and i'm pretty sure you won't even realize what he is doing right until the point you don't care anymore.



> We have struggled with introducing new things in the bedroom, as my husband takes any "enhancement" tools such as toys as a direct blow to his ego.


Many men don't like such toys. What is that supposed to demonstrate? what i get from all of this is that your husband isn't really doing it for you, neither in the emotional aspect or the bedroom. 

Have you noticed you hardly presented a quality in him? He is controlling, jealous, insecure etc. Does the man have some qualities or is he a pit of faults?

Quite honestly you're at the exact point where some women begin to wander. You husband is full of negatives... Not one thing good about him.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Those are idiots who are doing that for the benefit of their male friends. One of these days you are going to get targeted by a guy who knows what he is doing and i'm pretty sure you won't even realize what he is doing right until the point you don't care anymore.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


There is no man who will "know what he is doing". I dont see why men are making this about me wanting other other men when I clearly want to work it out with my husband. If he and I were to ever divorce...I want nothing to do with anyone for a long, long, long time!

My husband is a GREAT lover, I never said I was unsatisfied in any way. Someone asked me how our sex life was and I told her what the major issues are. I am in no way complaining. And by me saying he is always taking any variety as a blow to is ego is me showing how irrational he can be due to his INSECURITIES. His insecurities wriggle their way into pretty much every aspect of our marriage. But I guess I should just accept that and be a good little wife? 

And please go back and read how I said he is a great husband and father before you attempt to make it seem like I absolutely hate the guy. He always makes sure we are taken care of and I have never had to want for anything I desire. He stimulates my mind in discussions that require such. No question here that he has wonderful qualities.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> Getting a sitter right now just isn't possible right now. We both agree upon this. Some people are ok leaving their child at this point, we aren't until shes at least a year old.
> Unfortunately there wouldnt be much fun going on if i did leave her with someone, as I would be terribly worried.


I was like this too. My younger daughter got so upset when we left her with a sitter (as did the poor sitter!) that I couldn't do it again for a long time. Some kids are a lot more flexible than others. I breastfed too, and it's just not as easy as leaving a bottle. Neither of my girls EVER took a bottle. It can be hard!

I don't think you responded to my earlier question about your H getting physical with you when another guy hugged you. What happened then? Has he ever been abusive before or since?


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

northernlights said:


> I was like this too. My younger daughter got so upset when we left her with a sitter (as did the poor sitter!) that I couldn't do it again for a long time. Some kids are a lot more flexible than others. I breastfed too, and it's just not as easy as leaving a bottle. Neither of my girls EVER took a bottle. It can be hard!
> 
> I don't think you responded to my earlier question about your H getting physical with you when another guy hugged you. What happened then? Has he ever been abusive before or since?


He got upset even after I tried to diffuse things by explaining the situation. He slapped and choked me. It wasnt the first time. He sought out counseling after I gave him an ultimatum. He still gets super angry but keeps composure. Its a work in progress.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> There is no man who will "know what he is doing". I dont see why men are making this about me wanting other other men when I clearly want to work it out with my husband. If he and I were to ever divorce...I want nothing to do with anyone for a long, long, long time!
> 
> My husband is a GREAT lover, I never said I was unsatisfied in any way. Someone asked me how our sex life was and I told her what the major issues are. I am in no way complaining. And by me saying he is always taking any variety as a blow to is ego is me showing how irrational he can be due to his INSECURITIES. His insecurities wriggle their way into pretty much every aspect of our marriage. But I guess I should just accept that and be a good little wife?
> 
> And please go back and read how I said he is a great husband and father before you attempt to make it seem like I absolutely hate the guy. He always makes sure we are taken care of and I have never had to want for anything I desire. He stimulates my mind in discussions that require such. No question here that he has wonderful qualities.


Sorry for the little jab vspinkgrl, i wanted to see if you would defend and stood up for your man. Now i can see something that is worth saving. 

Tell me if you will, is there a point in your marriage where you don't get your way? Is the normal dynamic that he objects and you force it your way? Is this recurrent?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

vspnkgrl,

Not trying to bust you but just wanted to point out another example of your story inconsistencies that throw people her off balance.

you recently posted :"If he and I were to ever divorce...I want nothing to do with anyone for a long, long, long time!"

Prior you posted that divorce was not an option

Do you see the inconsistency?


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Sorry for the little jab vspinkgrl, i wanted to see if you would defend and stood up for your man. Now i can see something that is worth saving.
> 
> Tell me if you will, is there a point in your marriage where you don't get your way? Is the normal dynamic that he objects and you force it your way? Is this recurrent?


Yes there have been points in the past where I have wanted him to stay with me and he just left. Also my first pregnancy was spent alone, as he was never around even when I begged him to stay. Generally he treated me like sh*t before we settled down.
But after the cheating was discovered and we worked it out he has been submissive in bending to my wishes. And I will admit I use the past to make him that way. It is very recurrent and he has expressed that he feels he cant say no to me.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Toffer said:


> vspnkgrl,
> 
> Not trying to bust you but just wanted to point out another example of your story inconsistencies that throw people her off balance.
> 
> ...


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"But after the cheating was discovered and we worked it out he has been submissive in bending to my wishes. And I will admit I use the past to make him that way. It is very recurrent and he has expressed that he feels he cant say no to me"

No Idea What To Say To This....................


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Toffer said:


> "But after the cheating was discovered and we worked it out he has been submissive in bending to my wishes. And I will admit I use the past to make him that way. It is very recurrent and he has expressed that he feels he cant say no to me"
> 
> No Idea What To Say To This....................


Never said it was right.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Toffer said:


> "But after the cheating was discovered and we worked it out he has been submissive in bending to my wishes. And I will admit I use the past to make him that way. It is very recurrent and he has expressed that he feels he cant say no to me"
> 
> No Idea What To Say To This....................


This is the fitness testing I mentioned earlier, which he is failing. It is one thing to be reasonable and accommodating, another to surrender all your own desires... Until he can start putting his own needs on the table she will just keep losing respect, it is a vicious cycle that neither will recognize until its too late and she has checked out completely.

Op, you have said that he is a wonderful father and husband, but I would just mention that I think those are two separate things, he is "dutiful" but only one of his roles requires that.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Never said the dynamics of our relationship isnt very screwed up from prior situations. 
I obviously came here very confused about my current situation. If I had it all together I would have never asked or continued to dig deeper into this thread.
As I have stated before we BOTH have issues to work upon.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Marriage counceling..


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

vspinkgrl said:


> Never said the dynamics of our relationship isnt very screwed up from prior situations.
> I obviously came here very confused about my current situation. If I had it all together I would have never asked or continued to dig deeper into this thread.
> As I have stated before we BOTH have issues to work upon.


Not "very screwed up", just on it's way to becoming dysfunctional, in my view, and it is also so very common. And yes I am a little biased in that I see a LOT of my failed marriage in what you are describing. And unfortunately one of us gave up all hope before either of us came to realize it could be fixed.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> Yes there have been points in the past where I have wanted him to stay with me and he just left. Also my first pregnancy was spent alone, as he was never around even when I begged him to stay. Generally he treated me like sh*t before we settled down.
> But after the cheating was discovered and we worked it out he has been submissive in bending to my wishes. And I will admit I use the past to make him that way. It is very recurrent and he has expressed that he feels he cant say no to me.


That's bad for the both of you. It will erode your relationship slowly but steadily. You need to rewrite the way you go about things, as a couple.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> He got upset even after I tried to diffuse things by explaining the situation. He slapped and choked me. It wasnt the first time. He sought out counseling after I gave him an ultimatum. He still gets super angry but keeps composure. Its a work in progress.


vspinkgrl, it looks to me like you're getting a lot of criticism in this thread, but from the way I see it, you've got a husband who has physically abused you and cheated on you in the past. Are you being controlling now? Maybe. But I can't see how trusting this guy is an option either. 

I'm sorry, what a tough spot. If you really think he'll never resort to violence again, I'd say you still need marriage counseling. But if he gets violent with you or the kids, I think you have to go.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

northernlights said:


> vspinkgrl, it looks to me like you're getting a lot of criticism in this thread, but from the way I see it, you've got a husband who has physically abused you and cheated on you in the past. Are you being controlling now? Maybe. But I can't see how trusting this guy is an option either.
> 
> I'm sorry, what a tough spot. If you really think he'll never resort to violence again, I'd say you still need marriage counseling. But if he gets violent with you or the kids, I think you have to go.


Yes, I know I will have to leave if the violence continues. We had another talk last night and I took my rings off, I just dont want to wear them for a while.
We came up with some great strategies to use moving forward though. But we are aware it wont be solved with just the two of us. 
We are waiting for his insurance to kick in and then we well pursue the marriage counseling. I am optimistic about the help we will receive but if things aren't solved I fear the worst. Thank you.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

vspinkgrl said:


> Yes, I know I will have to leave if the violence continues. *We had another talk last night and I took my rings off, I just dont want to wear them for a while.*We came up with some great strategies to use moving forward though. But we are aware it wont be solved with just the two of us.
> We are waiting for his insurance to kick in and then we well pursue the marriage counseling. I am optimistic about the help we will receive but if things aren't solved I fear the worst. Thank you.


You took your rings off? :scratchhead: How is that going to help?


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

DayDream said:


> You took your rings off? :scratchhead: How is that going to help?


Not gonna help at all, but it symbolizes exasperation.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Sounds like you are more interested in being right than working on your marriage.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

The only thing it is going to symbolize to him is that you don't want to wear your rings because you don't want people knowing you are married, or that you don't want to be married to him anymore. It doesn't matter how YOU perceive it should be symbolized, it matters how OTHERS see it.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Sounds like you are more interested in being right than working on your marriage.


Yes...Thats exactly it


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## being the best me (Apr 25, 2011)

There are alot of things taht aren't being adressed in this whole thread, she isn't willing to put her party life aside and work with her husband, if you can't make the person you committed to the #1 priority it isn't a marraige, you have spent most of your time here defending your GNO's. 

Your age has alot to do with this also you are still young and defiant and not really adressing the real problems at hand.

If you want this marraige to work put your wedding ring back on and spend more than 20+ hours a week doing things just you and him, not including TV, computers, entertaing children. Just one on one time with him. 

Have you read the 5 Love Languages, if not i suguest you both do, also Dr. Harlies books Fall in Love Stay in Love, Love Busters and His Needs or Needs.

What you are doing here is just, Justifying both your bad behaviors and not the real problems at hand.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

DayDream said:


> The only thing it is going to symbolize to him is that you don't want to wear your rings because you don't want people knowing you are married, or that you don't want to be married to him anymore. It doesn't matter how YOU perceive it should be symbolized, it matters how OTHERS see it.


Well I'm staying in the house, not going to drinking or anything. So the only person who will see I'm not wearing a ring is him. He knows my reason for taking them off isnt because I dont want to be married..whether they are on or off we are still married until divorce papers are signed. I'm just at my wits end, I recognize its pretty dumb.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

being the best me said:


> There are alot of things taht aren't being adressed in this whole thread, she isn't willing to put her party life aside and work with her husband, if you can't make the person you committed to the #1 priority it isn't a marraige, you have spent most of your time here defending your GNO's.
> 
> Your age has alot to do with this also you are still young and defiant and not really adressing the real problems at hand.
> 
> ...


I am more than willing to drop down the going out to work on things. Ive already stated this here and also agreed with my husband. We have compromised there.

This issue has opened up deeper issues in our marriage. Going out was just a plant with all these different roots that need taking care of.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

vspinkgrl said:


> Well I'm staying in the house, not going to drinking or anything. So the only person who will see I'm not wearing a ring is him. He knows my reason for taking them off isnt because I dont want to be married..whether they are on or off we are still married until divorce papers are signed. I'm just at my wits end, I recognize its pretty dumb.


It's just that before hubby and I were married we fought a lot, and we were engaged, and during one particular fight I took my ring off and slapped it on his desk...like you, exasperated. The only thing it did was hurt him deeply and he started crying. I regret it not long after doing it and never did anything like that again. 

I also remember my mom and dad doing that to each other with their many horrendous fights and it never helped then either. It was just a vindictive, hurtful thing to do to each other and I recognized that as soon as I did it, and never did it again. That's why you doing it to your husband kind of got me started on it...it doesn't really help, in my experience and humble opinion.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

being the best me said:


> *Your age has alot to do with this also you are still young and defiant and not really adressing the real problems at hand.
> *
> .


^^^^^^
This right there is the crux of the matter.
They are both young and very inexperienced in how to handle certain type of problems in marriage.
They need to do a lot of counselling and reading if they want this to work.


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## being the best me (Apr 25, 2011)

Ther should be no compromizing in a marraige, with compromizing it is always a Win / Loose situation, you both need to mutaully agree upon things so that you both have a say in the out come and there will not be feeling hurt because someone LOST.

How much time do the both of you spend togeter, uninterupted, in a week?


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

being the best me said:


> Ther should be no compromizing in a marraige, with compromizing it is always a Win / Loose situation, you both need to mutaully agree upon things so that you both have a say in the out come and there will not be feeling hurt because someone LOST.
> 
> How much time do the both of you spend togeter, uninterupted, in a week?


Right now. None. And I recognize thats dismal. We have come the conclusion that I make an effort to stay and home and he makes an effort to plan things for us. We are both ok with that.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> I am more than willing to drop down the going out to work on things. Ive already stated this here and also agreed with my husband. We have compromised there.
> 
> This issue has opened up deeper issues in our marriage. Going out was just a plant with all these different roots that need taking care of.


Want to talk mre about the deeper issues?


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Wazza said:


> Want to talk mre about the deeper issues?


Resentment about the past is #1

Confusion about the roles we have in this marriage

Depression, Anxiety, Anger

And all the above stem from at least 2 other things.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

being the best me said:


> Ther should be no compromizing in a marraige, with compromizing it is always a Win / Loose situation, you both need to mutaully agree upon things so that you both have a say in the out come and there will not be feeling hurt because someone LOST.
> 
> How much time do the both of you spend togeter, uninterupted, in a week?


Compromise: settlement of differences by arbitration or by consent reached by mutual concessions.

Sounds the same really as you just suggested.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

vspinkgrl said:


> Right now. None. And I recognize thats dismal. We have come the conclusion that I make an effort to stay and home and he makes an effort to plan things for us. We are both ok with that.


Great! Progressive thinking at least. Action next.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> Resentment about the past is #1
> 
> Confusion about the roles we have in this marriage
> 
> ...


Which are...?


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Yes...counceling for the past betrayal from him and the issues surrounding and stemming from that is in order.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Issues with our separate upbringings

Childhood trauma

The way the infidelity was handled

Trying to rug sweep the things from the past and getting upset when they other doesn't
etc..


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> Issues with our separate upbringings
> 
> Childhood trauma
> 
> ...


Anonymous forum here. Maybe a longer post exploring all of that in a bit more detail might spark a helpful discussion?


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## being the best me (Apr 25, 2011)

Compromise: settlement of differences by arbitration or by consent reached by mutual concessions.

Sounds the same really as you just suggested. 

They aren't mutual. Exapmple 1.She want to go to out to clubs, he doesn't want here to, so they compromise she doesn't go out that often, he still looses. 2 She wants to go out, he doen't want her to, she doesn't go, she looses. 3. they mutually discuss going out she want GNO, he doesn't, so they mutually agree on them going out with the other married couples that are in her GNO group so she feels she can de-stress with her girl friends, he can learn how to socialize with husbands of the group then they mutually have a good time with out the Win/Loose (hurt feelings) factor. 

I tried using the example from this thread and know that she doen't feel comfortable with leving a young child with someone else but i was trying to keep theme of this thread


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## lilj0586 (Dec 6, 2012)

I don't think she mentioned he didn't want her to go, but that she was going out too often which was the problem. She also mentioned he felt she wasn't giving him enough attention.


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## being the best me (Apr 25, 2011)

I was just keeping the theme of this thread, this should be done with all aspects of there life. From going out, activities, dinner, chores, so on.

What they need to do is sit down and have honest discusions about all there problems and come up with solutions rather than restentments and as soon as they are honest with one another intimacy and trust will be restored


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Hopefully they will both start growing into mature discussions about themselves and life and their future. It takes work...it really does. Not everyone is good right off the bat with that kind of stuff. Some people don't have good role models to show them these things as they are growing up. I know I had to learn a lot when hubby and I got together. I'll admit that though we fought a lot and he wasn't perfect (neither was I) he did teach me a lot in that regard.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Well whatever happens, I hope he never hits or chokes you again. Either out of anger or frustration, it's wrong, and what could/would he do if he was angry or frustrated with your children?

Good Luck to you.


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## lilj0586 (Dec 6, 2012)

I think the key word here is mature. Presently it looks like they have just been yelling at the height of their lungs and just hoping someone will listen. They need to compromise the best they can, but both have to be willing to participate.


Is there a reason she is rejecting him? is she rejecting him at all? why does he feel this way? She says he is insecure, about what? why is he? what can she do to help? Does he feel emasculated? How does she respond to his needs, or to his concerns? is it like this thread where there is nothing but push back? Has she been doing it for so long that maybe he is subconciously rejecting her? there is a lot that can go into this

Has the OP ever considered these questions, or is it a "me" show all the time? We should want to make our partners happy, but we need to clearly define our wants vs our needs and what action is to be taken going forward.

OP also mentions that he cheated on her, when was this? they've only been married 3 years but together 8, was it during the marriage or in the dating period? What happened? they're obviously still together, but living with resentment, which is going to hinder their progress. Maybe getting back to knowing each other at a functional level will do them good? Counceling is definitely an option at this point.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

We got my sister to come in and sit in the house for after the kids go to bed so we can go to a Christmas party:smthumbup:

Also my mother has volunteered to take the baby for overnight, just my mom and the girls for the 5th of Jan. I'm fine with it, as there wont be ANY other kids there. Hubby has taken it upon himself to arrange something secret


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> We got my sister to come in and sit in the house for after the kids go to bed so we can go to a Christmas party:smthumbup:
> 
> Also my mother has volunteered to take the baby for overnight, just my mom and the girls for the 5th of Jan. I'm fine with it, as there wont be ANY other kids there. Hubby has taken it upon himself to arrange something secret


Sounds like good way to start!
Try to get some healthy boundaries in place
Most importantly remember that a marriage takes lots of work.
Now you may want to put that ring back on your finger.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

He put them back on me this morning Thank you all again for the advice. I know we still have a long road.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm glad to hear that things are moving in the right direction!!


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## DontTakeTheGirl (Dec 5, 2012)

So what are your plans this weekend?


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

DontTakeTheGirl said:


> So what are your plans this weekend?


He is teaching me to play poker and we are cooking a dessert together. (I was invited to a private party I ditched)


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