# I love my husband, but he isn't a provider



## PhoenicianPhonetics

My husband and I have been under financial stress throughout our entire relationship. I am very frugal, but he isn't. We met when I was in college. Soon, he hit financial hardship and I ended up supporting him with my scholarships and financial aid money. I still am sore about it to this day since he would not step up and make his 3 room mates pay for a single bill and used some of my money to pay for certain things for them. I can never expect the money back and have accepted that fact, but it still causes me pain that he would take out loans from financial institutions and me to pay for his lazy room mates.

Flash forward to our engagement. My husband starts working at a factory while I am finishing school. He absolutely hates it. It causes him severe anxiety to go to work. Not only that, but he has terrible physical problems as a result of working there. We resolved that as soon as I graduated, we would get married and he would start school. We saved up a little bit of money for the wedding and to move into our new rental. 

Unfortunately, the landlords end up charging us an exorbitant amout of money for utilities, upwards of $500 /mo for electric plus propane and 'maintainance fees' because of ridiculous things like having to allegedly pay the neighbors to watch us to make sure we weren't dealing drugs and the well going out, which they did not even attempt to have fixed for 3 weeks. Absolutely ridiculous! They bled us dry, I made my husband work part-time. Thankfully, we moved about a month ago, but our landlords are still trying to collect another $1300 for 'damages' to the house. (I know what they have done has been completely illegal, but my husband would rather pay them off slowly than try to take them to court and waste time and money.)

We found out that we were expecting a few months ago. Soon after I announced my pregnancy to my boss, I lost my job. Now my husband is the only one working. Both he and I understand that at this point, I will not be hired by anyone due to the pregnancy. Unfortunately, he is still only working part-time at a pizza place and the bills are coming in. I have brought up many other job opportunities, but he has yet to apply for a single one. He isn't taking any classes right now, so it isn't like he is limited to working part-time. He brought up going back to the factory, but I immediately shot him down. I have a feeling that it was just a manipulation tactic. I am at the end of my rope with him. I love him, but he isn't stepping up. Is there anything else I can do? Will I just have to give him an ultimatum? After all, this isn't just the two of us we are talking about anymore. This kind of stress isn't good for the baby.


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## turnera

Are you in the US? I assume, since you say Indiana.

If so, the first thing you have to do is apply for every financial aid available to you.


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## StillSearching

I wish I had a wife that professed her love for me then gave me an ultimatum.
You got an education right...how about you go to work? Your likely to make more than him anyway.


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## nevergveup

From what you have been telling us about your husband,he 
dosen't sound very responsible.He gives his room mates
a free ride.

Sorry to say but,I have some relative males just like this,lazy.
I have my doubts, if he will change,you let him get a free pass
to many time.I wish you the best of luck and hope it all 
works out for you.


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## *LittleDeer*

Honestly, he is just being a dead weight.

There is absolutely no reason for him not to be working. 

I am shocked that any man would not care enough about his pregnant wife and future child to apply for as many jobs as possible.

I think an ultimatum is definitely needed. he is not showing you that he can be the man you need. 

As for the damages, can't you take them to small claims court?


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## Bellavista

I know it is hard to do, but you really should not let the landlord get away with his illegal money stealing tactics.

Then, you husband needs to come to grips with the fact he is not a little boy anymore, he has a responsibility to provide for his family, and do the very next he can to get a job, whatever it is.


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## RandomDude

> We found out that we were expecting a few months ago. Soon after I announced my pregnancy to my boss, I lost my job. Now my husband is the only one working.


=/
That's unfair dismissal, which country are you in? I can get sued by my employees if I ever did that. If it's a full-time position you should be entitled to maternity leave at the very least.



> Both he and I understand that at this point, I will not be hired by anyone due to the pregnancy. Unfortunately, he is still only working part-time at a pizza place and the bills are coming in. I have brought up many other job opportunities, but he has yet to apply for a single one. He isn't taking any classes right now, so it isn't like he is limited to working part-time. He brought up going back to the factory, but I immediately shot him down. I have a feeling that it was just a manipulation tactic. I am at the end of my rope with him. I love him, but he isn't stepping up. Is there anything else I can do? Will I just have to give him an ultimatum? After all, this isn't just the two of us we are talking about anymore. This kind of stress isn't good for the baby.


He's most probably extremely stressed too. Lemme share you my story which was similar to yours over 4 yrs ago.

When my wife/gf at the time got pregnant, it put me in a state of panic. For a time I couldn't do anything, I was just in shock. What inspired me to actually get off my ass and do something about the whole situation was reaching rock bottom. I was too poor to support a wife let alone a wife AND a daughter - we weren't married at that time. My family was bugging me, her family was bugging me, especially her mum telling my wife/gf at the time "told you so" and everyone that I'm a bum, not husband or boyfriend material, lazy, irresponsible, all the associated nasty things etc. My wife helped as much as she could encouraging me and backing me up at first, but eventually she broke as well and was asking that we give up trying to support ourselves and ask her parents for money (they're rich).

Erm, no. If I did that my b-tch of a mother in law would win, and everyone WOULD HAVE believed that venomous b-tch. So I said no - strongly - and that we'll find a way. She helped me with jobseeking which resulted in a second job and I managed to get more hours at my first. I found it hard to keep up actually, I was frankly exhausted after the first week. I went from working 4 hours a few times a week to 84 hour weeks, working 2 fulltime jobs 7 days. Hell did I wish I could sleep and not wake up during that time. What really ate at me though was watching my wife grow, the sheer terror and excitement at the same time of having a child of my own. Everytime I wanted to gave up, I knew I had a wife and child who are looking up to me. Everytime I wanted to break and ask for money, my hatred against my MIL and her biting words kept me going.

In the end, I was pushed over the edge, I had love on one hand, hate on the other to inspire me, and eventually over the months I just got used to it (my wife didn't), and ironically the hard work paid off better than expected because I soon realised how much opportunity was just right there in front of me at work - which I ended up taking over in less than 2 years, and then expanded over the next two. It was really tough, but I could not sleep thinking that I was to be unable to provide for my wife and incoming daughter. Only way was to know each day that I was putting in everything I've got.

So the moral of this story: Find your man's motivation. I wasn't a provider until my daughter kicked me inside mummy. I also got sweet revenge served on my MIL who was made a fool out of when everyone realised how successful I got over the years.
At present, it looks like he's not able to move on from his shock, fear of change, lifestyle change, huge responsibility suddenly on his shoulders with an incoming baby. Find what makes him tick. Looking back, my wife did just that, she gave me love and affection on one hand, shared dreams with me about our young family with our incoming daughter... while at the same time telling me how worried she is about money (but never blamed me) and that she wants to ask for money (from the MIL I HATE!!!) -> OH HELL NO!


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## Tigger

Did you apply for unemployment?

I don't understand why you would choose to get pregnant when your finances are in shambles?

apply for food stamps and other gov assistance


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## PBear

Why don't you take over handling the finances? Why don't you take care of kicking the landlords butt? Your husband has demonstrated that he's not going to stand up to anyone on your behalf, so you have two choices. Either start standing up for both of you, or join him in being walked over. Stop complaining and start acting on it.

As a soon to be SAHM, you can greatly influence your families finances by controlling expenses, even if you have limited ability to control income. Take that on as your "job", and take it seriously.

C


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## PhoenicianPhonetics

@turnera-
The first thing I did when I got home after losing my job was file for unemployment. We now have WIC. It does take quite some time after your interview to get on food stamps, atleast in our county. We have also looked at energy assistance from our regional CAP. We also went to the mobile monthly food pantry. It really is a matter of waiting at this point for some of the programs. I have been very hesitant about using these services, since up until the other week I was a social worker, but I have gotten over it. I have told myself that once the baby is born and I can go back to work, it's just going to help me relate to the families I serve more.

@MrBrains-
Someone only sees in black and white. Believe me, I would be working if I could. No one is going to hire a woman who is 5 months pregnant.

@Tigger-
Thank you for the judgement. I was on the pill when I became pregnant, which I took religiously within a 1 hour window everyday because I was well aware of the consequences.

@RandomDude-
Yeah, we are going to look at legal representation. It is completely illegal, but it will take time to take care of it. It also doesn't help that my boss resigned days after I was terminated.

Thank you very much for your insight. I do think my husband can relate quite a bit to you. Our pregnancy wasn't planned and he doesn't exactly have any sort of positive regard for my mother. She has treated him terribly and has wanted to see him fail. I have done everything in my power to be supportive of him, but it seems that he is going to have to have that moment like you. What I want everyone to know is that I love him with all of my heart. It is very hard to see him in this funk right now. I know deep down he doesn't want to be in this position. He has had negativity from every direction and it has just weighed him down. I talked to him last night about his job. He was working just under full-time a couple of weeks ago until his boss cut his hours to give them to his own son. He said that he has applied to a few jobs, but it is very difficult for someone with only a high school education and a little bit of college to get a job outside of fast food, retail, and factory work. He did tell me he was dead serious about going back to that factory, it would just be a little bit of time because he would have to go back through the hiring process. I still do not want him to do that, but he said he was willing to put himself through that again for us. I wonder if he did have his moment. Whatever happens in the next few months is going to be very difficult, whether he goes back to the factory or decides to take up multiple jobs and work over 80 hours per week like you. He is probably terrified of the prospect, which I cannot blame him for. It's very hard to remain optimistic through this. He and I both agree that as soon as I can go back to work, I will. This time, I am going to try to work for the state to prevent unlawful termination. I am also encouraging my husband to try online schooling, as long as he is able to handle everything that being a new dad comes with. I know that he is going to be a fantastic dad. We have to keep everything in perspective. 

And, thank you, I will not ever bring up borrowing from my family. I had thought about it, but I know my husband is going to have the exact same reaction as you. 

@PBear-
I tried to be the liason. Obviously I lost my cool with them. I had demanded copies of bills that we were never allowed to see and they threatened to immediately evict us since we were not honoring the tenant-landlord relationship. I have told him that we are not paying another penny to them. They can try to sue if they want. It would not get anywhere. They do not have any leverage. We did just download a financial planning tool. It will help, but it's very hard to take care of our financial burden going from $3,000 /mo to $350 /mo until if/when I receive unemployment.


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## Mavash.

PhoenicianPhonetics said:


> He brought up going back to the factory, but I immediately shot him down. I have a feeling that it was just a manipulation tactic.


You should have said yes to this. Yes it was a manipulation tactic and it worked. He's still only working part time. You 'shot him down' which he took to mean you're okay with the way things are. He knows you'll come to his rescue because you always do. Until you stop enabling him this behavior will continue. If you're love is enough then by all means keep going. If you want to eat well then you're going to have to let him deal with it even if that means going back to the factory. And if he hates it oh well it will inspire him to apply for those other jobs sooner.


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## turnera

Tell him to go back to the factory and reapply. Tell him you expect him to sign up for online or night classes, at least one every semester. What was your degree in? There are TONS of jobs you can get to do online nowadays. Look up guru.com, for starters. There are many others. You should have plenty of time to do this kind of work.


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## Lostinbonkers

Hi, I just wanted to lend you some support. I have been married to a non supporter for 18 years. It never gets easier and the financial strain has worsened over the years. He has two masters degrees and barely helps with 400 a month. I do everything. I hope you all the best in your situation, pease don't let him ever stop contributing. Our daughter now hates him. She is 17 years old. Please make him be a role model for your child. We are completely dysfunctional because of our situation


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I'm very sorry your in that situation. Your husband will most likely will not change. You can not change who he is either. You can only change yourself and what you do. 

I was in a similar situation where I was the breadwinner in the marriage. However, I was able to work up until my pregnancy. My ex h never changed for the better, his behavior worsened and its been 19 years since I left. I also left when our child was an infant and I did not love my ex h due to the way I was treated. I would never want to be in that situation again. I did remarry a wonderful man a few years after my divorce. My husband now is the opposite of my ex. He works very hard for our family.

Good luck with whatever happens. I couldn't stay with someone who wouldn't put effort or take responsibility in a marriage.


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## RandomDude

> He has two masters degrees and barely helps with 400 a month.


=/
Sure puts a twist on the whole system

@OP


> Yeah, we are going to look at legal representation. It is completely illegal, but it will take time to take care of it. It also doesn't help that my boss resigned days after I was terminated.


You should be able to claim compensation at the very least, regardless of your boss resigning.



> Thank you very much for your insight. I do think my husband can relate quite a bit to you. Our pregnancy wasn't planned and he doesn't exactly have any sort of positive regard for my mother. She has treated him terribly and has wanted to see him fail. I have done everything in my power to be supportive of him, but it seems that he is going to have to have that moment like you. What I want everyone to know is that I love him with all of my heart. It is very hard to see him in this funk right now. I know deep down he doesn't want to be in this position. He has had negativity from every direction and it has just weighed him down. I talked to him last night about his job. He was working just under full-time a couple of weeks ago until his boss cut his hours to give them to his own son. He said that he has applied to a few jobs, but it is very difficult for someone with only a high school education and a little bit of college to get a job outside of fast food, retail, and factory work. He did tell me he was dead serious about going back to that factory, it would just be a little bit of time because he would have to go back through the hiring process. I still do not want him to do that, but he said he was willing to put himself through that again for us. I wonder if he did have his moment. Whatever happens in the next few months is going to be very difficult, whether he goes back to the factory or decides to take up multiple jobs and work over 80 hours per week like you. He is probably terrified of the prospect, which I cannot blame him for. It's very hard to remain optimistic through this. He and I both agree that as soon as I can go back to work, I will. This time, I am going to try to work for the state to prevent unlawful termination. I am also encouraging my husband to try online schooling, as long as he is able to handle everything that being a new dad comes with. I know that he is going to be a fantastic dad. We have to keep everything in perspective.


Hmmm, no education, he'll need to rely on his experience. Have you read his resume? When it comes to his resume, make sure he includes all his job history and make fresh resumes for each specific job -> In his job history have him list down his transferable skills that he can utilise for the position he's applying for. That way, he can use ALL his experience to sell himself.

Has he tried sales by the way? It's a great way to make money even if one doesn't have education. Not talking retail but direct sales; it mostly pays on a commission basis but hence you are more independent and in more control of your pay in the end of the day. Some days you get zero but the next you can earn a month's rent. He's got retail experience so he might be able to hit off with it. Depending on the city, there's also room for advancement. One has to be very opportunitist for success.



> And, thank you, I will not ever bring up borrowing from my family. I had thought about it, but I know my husband is going to have the exact same reaction as you.


Well maybe he needs it 
Damn... now I wonder if my wife deliberately "threatened" me with that all those years ago heh!


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## southernsurf

Might be depression, lack of confidence.


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## southernsurf

He needs an ultimatum, life is hard and unfortunately you need money to make life happen. Can you move in with parents until things bet better, back to work.


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## nevergveup

southernsurf said:


> Might be depression, lack of confidence.


Well,maybe I'm wrong,but there a lot of male providers that don't 
have two degrees,have suffered depression.We do what it takes to feed,help and love even when we don't feel great.I'm sorry,
in my view he's a lazy bum.A real man sucks it up,when we have to.


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## curlysue321

If you can prove you were fired because of your pregnancy you can file a discrimination lawsuit.


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## damsel

southernsurf said:


> Might be depression, lack of confidence.


I second this actually..


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## Woodchuck

RandomDude said:


> =/
> That's unfair dismissal, which country are you in? I can get sued by my employees if I ever did that. If it's a full-time position you should be entitled to maternity leave at the very least.
> 
> 
> 
> He's most probably extremely stressed too. Lemme share you my story which was similar to yours over 4 yrs ago.
> 
> When my wife/gf at the time got pregnant, it put me in a state of panic. For a time I couldn't do anything, I was just in shock. What inspired me to actually get off my ass and do something about the whole situation was reaching rock bottom. I was too poor to support a wife let alone a wife AND a daughter - we weren't married at that time. My family was bugging me, her family was bugging me, especially her mum telling my wife/gf at the time "told you so" and everyone that I'm a bum, not husband or boyfriend material, lazy, irresponsible, all the associated nasty things etc. My wife helped as much as she could encouraging me and backing me up at first, but eventually she broke as well and was asking that we give up trying to support ourselves and ask her parents for money (they're rich).
> 
> Erm, no. If I did that my b-tch of a mother in law would win, and everyone WOULD HAVE believed that venomous b-tch. So I said no - strongly - and that we'll find a way. She helped me with jobseeking which resulted in a second job and I managed to get more hours at my first. I found it hard to keep up actually, I was frankly exhausted after the first week. I went from working 4 hours a few times a week to 84 hour weeks, working 2 fulltime jobs 7 days. Hell did I wish I could sleep and not wake up during that time. What really ate at me though was watching my wife grow, the sheer terror and excitement at the same time of having a child of my own. Everytime I wanted to gave up, I knew I had a wife and child who are looking up to me. Everytime I wanted to break and ask for money, my hatred against my MIL and her biting words kept me going.
> 
> In the end, I was pushed over the edge, I had love on one hand, hate on the other to inspire me, and eventually over the months I just got used to it (my wife didn't), and ironically the hard work paid off better than expected because I soon realised how much opportunity was just right there in front of me at work - which I ended up taking over in less than 2 years, and then expanded over the next two. It was really tough, but I could not sleep thinking that I was to be unable to provide for my wife and incoming daughter. Only way was to know each day that I was putting in everything I've got.
> 
> So the moral of this story: Find your man's motivation. I wasn't a provider until my daughter kicked me inside mummy. I also got sweet revenge served on my MIL who was made a fool out of when everyone realised how successful I got over the years.
> At present, it looks like he's not able to move on from his shock, fear of change, lifestyle change, huge responsibility suddenly on his shoulders with an incoming baby. Find what makes him tick. Looking back, my wife did just that, she gave me love and affection on one hand, shared dreams with me about our young family with our incoming daughter... while at the same time telling me how worried she is about money (but never blamed me) and that she wants to ask for money (from the MIL I HATE!!!) -> OH HELL NO!


That is called C-H-A-R-A-C-T-E-R...Bet ya didn't know ya had it did ya?.....This world makes it too easy to not step up to the plate and do your duty..You started out a BOY and became a MAN...
Feels pretty good dosn't it....In our PC world it's not considered polite to tell some one to "MAN UP". But you know you got the full set, and you have a right to be proud of yourself...No one needs to boost your self esteam, you got the real deal, and you got yours the hard way....Good job!


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## Lost at sea

Guy needs to man up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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