# Need guidance with wife's MLC



## Dadoffab4 (May 14, 2012)

Was hoping to get some insight from women who have been through MLC. I posted this on another site and mostly got back things like "your wife is having an affair." She may be but I don't think so and at this point that is not my main concern. I have read a lot of information about this over the last month or so and have formed some opinions but can't seem to find info from women who have made it through. I read about husbands in my situation and wives whose husbands have gone through MLC but no women's perspective of getting through it. Here is the story over the last year or so. Will update what has happened since when I can but wanted to get this out there now-

One day in April 2011 it seemed like my wife flipped a switch that turned off her feelings for me as well as any interest in me or anything that I was doing. Complete indifference. We used to text or IM throughout the day. That all stopped. I would ask if she was there she wouldn't reply. I would ask where she was. She would say she was home. After a couple of weeks I told her I couldn't take it and asked what was up. Said she wasn't sure but she needed time to think. She needed me to back off. I became depressed. Feared relationship was over. Assumed the worst. Tried to give her space. She starts kickboxing. Says she needs to get out of house. Surrounded by four walls all day. (She works at home transcribing). No interaction with adults only 4 kids. Lost who she was. Asked how I could help. Oldest son and youngest daughter are both diabetic so she asked me to take care of daughter from time I got home till bed. So I did from that day till the day I left their house. I get very insecure and start thinking she is having affair and ask her. She says no. Says never was anyone else and never will be. Google search auto complete history shows something about losing love for husband. She denies typing it blames things kids are looking at. Few more weeks go by and I ask if any progress. She says she thinks she got through her thing but she acknowledges her feelings are different. Says it started four years ago. Not exactly sure why. Thinks she can get it back though. Says she wants to. Says things will get better because they have to. I keep leaning on negative. Tell her no one can make themselves feel something that isn't there. Keep asking why. She doesn't know. Keep asking if we can try to work it out but don't know how. She says she is trying but can't tell me how. I say I need to see actions. Actions speak louder than words. Asked her to hold my hand or touch me as she walks by. She says ok but never does. She still gives me peck before going kickboxing. I still kiss her goodbye when I leave at 530. I think she kissed me before going to bed. I keep pushing. Keep thinking negatively. Get a dirtbike to ride with my brother. Start riding it in evenings and weekends. Used to work on house or yard every weekend. We never went out just the two of us. Said we would/should but never did. Tell her I have to get out. Her wedding ring was damaged by jeweler who tried to resize. Another guy fixed but it but had rough spot inside that scratched so she couldn't wear it. I kept asking her to get it fixed so she could wear it. She said she would but never did. I wore mine. Took it off for a month, wore it for a month and left it off August '11. Anniversary is in September. Got her a card. She said she din't have time to get me one but meant to. I keep saying we need to do something. We need actions. Gestures. Hold my hand. Put your leg against mine in bed. Nothing. I keep pushing. Saying I deserve someone who wants to be with me. Keep asking/accusing of OM.
Fast forward to week before Thanksgiving '11. I had joined motorcycle club and was texting her from a few hours away. Was with my brother, his kid and my 2 sons. We started going up every Sunday back in October. Asked her if she thought she could ever give me what I need. She replied she honestly didn't know. I freaked. As we got closer to home said she was going over friends when I got back. I was watching tv in bed when she came in. Said she'd been to a lawyer and wanted a divorce. Said she went cause she feared what my family might do. She is from England and says she has no one. We had big drama fallout with my Mom and middle brother and his wife. My little brother hasn't spoken to our Mom since. She told me all about alimony and child support. Said I will have to go live with my mother. She sleeps on couch that night. Next day I write big email begging not to do this. She says she is done. Tells me to sleep on couch. I join Match.com. Screw her. I can find someone else. I deserve someone else. Agree I will stay until after Christmas as to not have kids upset at holidays. Christmas was ok. New Years Eve after hair appointment she comes home a brunette. Was natural blonde. We don't talk at neighbors New Years party. As weekend I was supposed to leave approaches she suggests I stay and she will cook and do laundry etc. I say ok. Can we please try together to work this out? She says she tried. I repeat that we never tried together. She goes kickboxing every night when I get home. Starts going out with kickboxing girls couple nights a week after class. Starts sleeping over different friends houses Friday or Saturday nights. Don't think she is with OM. Says I have to go we need to talk to kids. Different things keep preventing us. Finally April 1 after dinner I asked about getting a movie or something and she drops bomb "no we are talking to kids." Sit in living room. She wants me to sit next to her. Says to kids they are aware thing have been not good. Says things have to change. Then looks at me to tell them. I say I am going to Grandma's. They get upset. She says stoned faced, "Things will be exactly the same except Dad and I aren't together anymore."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You should never have left your home. SHE wants out, SHE can find her new life on her own, on a BUDGET. The kids stay with her. This entire thing, she was waiting for you to man up and lead your family and you did the exact opposite. You turned into a whiny, wringing-hands wimp - which only made her despise you more. Women HATE whiny men; goes back to caveman days - they only pick the strong men. 

Move back home, tell her she can sleep on the couch if she doesn't like sleeping next to you. Do it this weekend. If you can't even do that much, you may as well just sign the papers.

Oh and read No More Mr Nice Guy, today!


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Ok. A few things.

Your wining is driving her away. Stop whining. Search the Internet for the marriage 180 from divorce busters and read it.

Go to marriedmansexlife.com and read up on that. Even buy his book. It's really insightful.

Go get the book no more mr nice guy and read it. 

Go to the men's forum on this site and read up on manning up 

Do a search for "walk away wife syndrome". 

Read "hold onto your n.u.t.s". 

All ths reading is going to give you insight.

So...why did you have to leave the house? I agree if she wants a divorce you should tell her to find a place. You want to stay because you are the one wanting to keep the family together.

I don't understand why an affair isn't your concern right now. Why is that? I have to tell you...all the signs are definitely there. Ignoring that possibility isn't going to make it magically not be true. And if it is an affair...you will never be able to fix your marriage if you ignore it. That's the first thing that has to be resolved before you can even consider moving forward with coming to a resolution of some sort with your wife.

Oh. And stop whining and begging.. With all respect...even reading all that begging you did churned my stomach. Theis is definitely a turn off to women.

So.....it's time to man up. Take control. Be strong. Do the 180. Time for tough love with your wife. Don't think the nicer you are, then she will just have to see how much you love her and will come running back to you because your such a great guy. This is common thinking from most men but is totally wrong behavior. Show your family, especially your kids, that you just won't accept this bizarre behavior from your wife. One of your primary boundaries should be that you will absolutely protect the family unit at all costs. Even if that means your wife may eventually be not part of that unit.

Time to man up, friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Why would you leave your children and home in the hands of someone who is not of good character? She is not into the marriage, and you have to leave. That makes no sense. Tell her to leave, then she can see the results of her actions. That would be the loss of her family. 
And it does seem that there is something else going on. She is looking for someone else or has found someone else to meet her needs. What have you done to meet hers needs, before this happened?


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## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

Let me first start by telling you YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! Plenty of us here are and have been going through the same things. And yes, you will initially get the 'dude, you wife IS cheating' from most...if you have done your 'research', you will more than likely already know the answer to this. It's easier to think and believe she is cheating, especially when you are looking for 1 definitive reason for her 'new' feelings...but the truth maybe harder to take part-ownership of.

Just think though, her new feelings are just new to you because you are now just realizing them, BUT for her they have been festering for (as you've stated) 4 years now. She has been feeling this way either silently, OR she has been 'dropping hints', or trying to convey to you how she had been feeling, but you were never receptive to 'hearing' this until now. And now that you have realized this, you are trying everything you can think of to fix the problem and it doesn't seem like she is receptive to this. You have to relaize too that she has been dealing with this for a lot longer than you and she obviously sees it being easier at this point to throw in the towel then continuing to try and work things out, because she has not seen the changes she has been looking for (not that she has even spelled out just what those changes are).

Just FYI, I am currently dealing with something VERY similar (actually, except for a few small details, it looks just like something I have written before). You need to do a few things right now FOR YOURSELF: #1) decide if you truley love her and can see spending the rest of your life with her. #2) understand that this will be a LONG, HARD process!! (much longer than you can imagine-remember, she has been fighting this for 4 yrs now). #3) Fix yourself...right now, the ONLY immediate/permenant change you can truley make is working on yourself. Stop dwelling on your current situation (the being depressed, begging (as she will ONLY take as whinning), the whirlwind you have become of change...Start working out, hanging out with friends, playing sports/hobbies, do what feels good for YOU. And do a '180'...change what has obviously NOT been working for some time now. #4) Educate yourself...start reading some of the threads here, and get yourself a few books...I suggest (and they have helped me personally): 

5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman- This will give you some insight as to how to approach 'speaking her language', and understaning what yours is.
Amazon.com: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (9780802473158): Gary D. Chapman: Books

Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis- The book is a MUST READ for you. It will help you understand better where you are and how you got there, and will help you with bettering yourself ( the 180 people talk about here).

Amazon.com: Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again (9780671797256): Michele Weiner-Davis: Books

I love you, but I'm not in love with you By Andrew Marshall- This book is also an excellent read and has helped out our situation tremendously!! It helps you BOTH realize that you both have something to do with where you are relationship wise.

Amazon.com: I Love You, but I'm Not IN Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship (9780757305481): Andrew G. Marshall: Books


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## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

> So...why did you have to leave the house? I agree if she wants a divorce you should tell her to find a place. You want to stay because you are the one wanting to keep the family together.
> 
> I don't understand why an affair isn't your concern right now. Why is that? I have to tell you...all the signs are definitely there. Ignoring that possibility isn't going to make it magically not be true. And if it is an affair...you will never be able to fix your marriage if you ignore it. That's the first thing that has to be resolved before you can even consider moving forward with coming to a resolution of some sort with your wife.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Why didn't you seek help a year ago? At this point she's done. Did you think it was going to magically get better? For the past year or so she's been building a life without you in it and you let her AND kept meeting her needs/security while she did it.

And you're too nice. If she wants to leave SHE leaves not you. Keep reading here. We can help you but you need to trust this process works no matter how backwards it seems.


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## Dadoffab4 (May 14, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. I have been corresponding with a guy on another forum who said my story was so close to his it was spooky. He gave his wife a lot of space and they reconciled. I have also read in numerous places that giving them lots of space and being patient is paramount. I stopped begging awhile ago. Now conversations are pretty much only business. Can those of you who replied give me the Readers Digest version of your situations and how it turned out?


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