# He just doesn't care!



## wife1983 (Mar 20, 2011)

I am in shock about how things are deteriorating so badly between us. We now have utterly stopped talking about anything of any importance - anything about us is a subject that is unmentionable now. Everything between us is on a basic everyday level. Whenever I try to get talking to him about anything I get brushed off. He is crushing me and he really doesn't care. I am so desperate to talk about this but I have nowhere to go to. Take this morning here I am in floods of tears because of his thoughtlessness. Once a week I work late at work so once a week we get up at the same time. Curiously enough he like to cuddle on these mornings - but it is all on his terms. For example I was spooned up behind him and I dared to put a hand on his chest - it gets pulled away, curious I try again - just a hand on his chest - again it gets yanked away - I can take a hint so I gave up. I accidentally brush my hand against him a while later this time my hand is flung away. This is nothing new any time I touch him I get pushed away. 

He is so cruel as well. The other day I came home from work he actually kissed me (tongues and everything!). I should have figured something was up when he instigated a kiss but hey beggars cannot be choosers so I wasnt overly surprised when he started murmuring my sisters name - only as a joke of course- he thought it was funny. Me it just proves to me that he know exactly the best ways to hurt me. Another example I was cooking dinner and he started kissing the back of my neck -again it turned out it was only for his amusement as he finds is funny to see the goose bumps effect this causes to me. 

The resentment is starting to get so deep now. He constantly neglects me. We only spend an hour a day together at the most even though we are in the same house. I honestly don't know where he is coming from - he will not talk about anything important so I don't know what is going on in his head. I don't know if he is trying to provoke me into doing something drastic to take the decision out of his hands. I don't know if he is happy or unhappy - I don't know anything about him anymore.

All I know is we are trapped together - tied together with mortgage, debts and the shame of failure. The debts alone will be another year to sort out. I don't feel like I am married anymore. I feel like I am living with a stranger - a stranger I am tired of crying over and I know he doesn't care.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

wife1983 said:


> I am in shock about how things are deteriorating so badly between us. We now have utterly stopped talking about anything of any importance - anything about us is a subject that is unmentionable now. Everything between us is on a basic everyday level. Whenever I try to get talking to him about anything I get brushed off. He is crushing me and he really doesn't care. I am so desperate to talk about this but I have nowhere to go to.


Check out the manning up and controlling the temperature in your relationship threads via the Men's Clubhouse. Is it possible he's trying to "man up" and "cool off" your relationship? In which case you should _apparently_ realise how wonderful it is and everything will be great...:scratchhead:


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*I am in shock about how things are deteriorating so badly between us. We now have utterly stopped talking about anything of any importance - anything about us is a subject that is unmentionable now. Everything between us is on a basic everyday level. Whenever I try to get talking to him about anything I get brushed off. He is crushing me and he really doesn't care. I am so desperate to talk about this but I have nowhere to go to.*

This is what took me to marriage counseling after 23 years. If it hadn't been for the kids (5 of them that I could not afford to support alone...) I'd have been gone years before. I invited ex to go with me, but he "didn't have a problem" and didn't want to talk about it (as usual). Sooooooo, it only took me one session to get my head straight. 

This is what the counselor told me: "It feels like he has all the power. It makes you feel powerless because he won't discuss anything with you. Well, YOU have all the power...because he won't participate in the relationship then YOU get to make all the decisions about what you will do or not do. YOU make a decision.... is this good enough? Is this how I want to live? Knowing that you can't change him, YOU have to decide if this is enough for you. BUT... its all about YOU now, and YOU get to decide your time line, YOU get to change your mind if you want to. Since he isn't providing any input either positive or negative... its YOUR ballgame." 

That is all I needed. Funny how you can't just see that when you are living right in the middle of it. So I set a mental time line in my mind. I gave the marriage one year. I told myself I'd do my part to make it work, invited him to go out or have sex or whatever....but I wouldn't count on his participation, and I wouldn't expect him to contribute in a positive way....so I wouldn't be too disappointed. I quit talking to him about my problems, my issues, relationship issues, even kid problems. I quit reaching out, and I wasn't disappointed. I knew I couldn't MAKE him care, or MAKE him respond.... his issues were his and he wouldn't share. 

I went about my life, treating him with basic kindness... still celebrated his birthday or whatever... and I journaled. Journaled my ass off! I had to do something with all those emotions... the first journal I called my hate journal. It was filled with things I wanted to say to him. 

After about 6 months he left. He actually snuck out. We were too disconnected by then, and it took me three days to realize he was actually gone...not just "out". 

So I threw away the hate journal and started a ME journal...which was much more positive. That was 7 years ago. I've since moved a few states away, the grown kids followed me... I got married last year to an awesome attentive, communicative man. We have a huge blended family with kids and grandkids in and out... Life is awesome!!!!!

Anyway.... just some things to think about. YOU do have control over your life. YOU have choices. You live with it, or YOU change it. If he doesn't participate, then he doesn't get to have input on your choices. AND you don't have to share your thoughts with someone who isn't giving a **** anyway!

Good luck.... I hope you figure out how to proceed.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh Wife... how I feel for you. You just described my marriage. And I can totally understand how his treatment of you is making you feel left out cold, neglected, unloved/unwanted/unappreciated, devalued. Resentment has started to build. Then follows a loss of respect.

Ask him to go to marriage counselling with you. Really sit him down and tell him how you feel. Hopefully he will step up the plate and realize what he is doing before it's too late and making an effort to put in the effort to your marriage.

My marriage did not survive this. We divorced recently. It's so sad feeling like you are all alone in a marriage and after telling your partner repeatedly how you feel-them brushing you off. My husband also did the yanking my hands away from him/acting bothered if I was affectionate with him.


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

SunnyT - Just wanted to say a huge thank you for your post. I'm in an emotionally dead marriage for 23 years, with 2 great teenage kids. I'm essentially a single parent, except for the fact that I live under the same roof as the guy who pays the bills. My husband has the emotional scope of a doorknob, or a brick, or whatever. No feeling, no emotion whatsoever, no communication to speak of. He is just a big empty, numb space in my life.

I've been unhappy in my marriage for years, and even though I have lots of friends and activities and an incredibly good relationship with my kids, I hate feeling like I'm living with a total stranger now. I'm starting to realize more and more that it's MY life, and since I'm the only one capable of trying to talk things through or work things out, with no emotion or input from him, ultimately it's MY decision, NOT "our" decision. Marriage is a two-way street, and my husband isn't willing to lift a finger to parent his children or work on our relationship. 

Seeing posts like yours just reaffirms that I'm changing my way of thinking, maybe upsetting the boat a bit, but it's MY LIFE and I want to live it. If he doesn't want to live his life, if he wants to spend the rest of his days in a dark room with a high-speed internet connection, then that is entirely his decision to make. Doesn't mean I have to sit around and watch him self destruct, though, right?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

That's right. 

My ex was very "uninvovled" with the kids. I did everything with them, little league, scouts, school stuff, etc... At one point ex said he was taking the boys (hot air talk)... but when I asked what school they go to, who are their teachers, what subjects do they struggle with, who is their doctor.... he was blank. Clueless.

If you've been a single mom all this time, then you certainly can do it now. I've had parents show surprize when I'd show up somewhere with the ex...they never knew I was married. 

You can do whatever you want!!!!


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

SunnyT - I think you and I need to get together, we must be twins! Last year I had major knee surgery and couldn't drive for about a month. My kids go to school out of district, so I have to drive them and pick them up. I had every single school day covered through friends, neighbors, etc, except for one pickup, so I finally broke down and asked my husband to leave a bit early from work to get them. He had NO IDEA where their school was. He knew that they went to such-and-such school, but he literally had no idea how to drive there. It was pathetic having to draw him a map so that he could get HIS OWN CHILDREN from school. 

Another time I was out of town for several days and my daughter (then 12) broke her wrist. She called me all upset, I told her to put her dad on the phone, and I told him she most likely broke her wrist, very swollen, purple, etc. I said he needed to get her to a walk-in clinic or the ER to have x-rays. That was Saturday morning. By Sunday night he still hadn't taken her in. My 12 year old daughter had been sitting at home with a broken wrist. She had dug out my carpal tunnel splint and tried to wear it for 2 days. I had to take all day Monday off work to take her to the hospital and get xrays and then go to the orthopedist to verify (hospital mis-diagnosed her, idiots!!!) and get casted. So basically my husband withheld medical treatment for a fractured wrist for a 12-year-old for 2 days. Yeah, that's what I call competent parenting!!!

Since the broken wrist 5 years ago, I have made 100 percent of all medical, educational, etc. decisions myself without consulting my husband. He proved to me that he is incapable of thought when it comes to his own children. 

So... let's meet for a drink and compare stories, sounds like fun!


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## Six (Jul 2, 2011)

No one deserves the crap you lot have articulated.

From my perspective (an almost astonishingly-average American guy) some of this behavior is pathological. F----d up is actually what came to my mind. Who acts like this?

Yeah... life is too short. Who needs people like this siphoning away precious time and energy?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I agree with Six. Your husband sounds like an emotional abuser. When someone toys with you the way he does and uses your sister's name to hurt your feelings, that is nothing but abuse!

Darlin', he is a loser and he's using these tactics to keep you feeling bad about yourself so you won't go anywhere. He is trying to destroy any shred of self-confidence you have. That's because he's got issues....major ones.

Please go see a counselor by yourself. Explain what your life is like. Find a psychologist, as they have more training and are your best bet. 

Look at SunnyT. She has a GREAT story to tell. You don't need abuse in your life. And as far as the financial problems go, they can always be worked out. You just have to make a plan. If you leave the marriage, your H will have to share the debt load. There are repayment plans you can explore and you can keep your house if you file for bankruptcy. Talk to a lawyer and a therapist and change your life for the better. You deserve it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wife,come back to post! Are you ok?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Ya know, I don't think ex did anything intentionally. I think he is just stunted in maturity, empathy, emotionally...whatever. I don't think he was controlling, or manipulative.... because really, those would require effort and a recognition that I was part of the equation. I think his biggest fault was that of neglect.... of me, the marriage, the kids, the family life, etc...

But, you get to a point where it really doesn't matter WHY he is the way he is. You just finally figure out that you can't fix it, and even taking care of EVER-FREAKIN-THING won't make the relationship ok. You finally realize that you are really doing all the work, and all the child-rearing, and the household stuff, and your job, and trying to feed his needs.... 

And when it's over.... just WOW. Life is easier. You can breathe. You don't have to think about how he is going to "take it". You don't have to walk on egg shells. You have a huge chunk of time, DAILY. Who knew he took up so much TIME. I even had more money. He did pay a healthy child support (sometimes).... but even then, he'd call once a month and ask if I needed any money. "Yes, I need the amount we agreed on. Thanks." But my bills were paid on time, and I took in another single mom to help me with the rent. 

Somehow, in the warpedness of it all...they teach you NOT to care. And it's ok. If you did your part, and you are ok with yourself and your efforts, and your life.... it'll be ok.

There is success later too! I have moved on, improved my finances way more than I ever could have done with ex.... and I FINALLY bought a house (my first!), am going for my Master's degree....and so much more. And my kids now get to see what a REAL man looks like, how someone SHOULD treat their wife and children, how you are SUPPOSED to pay your bills and care about your family. THIS..... is priceless.

Moral of the story.... if he's a d*ck, let him go. Make a good life for yourself. Life is what you make it.... or at least what you allow it to be!

Edited to add: You have no idea how the debt will be settled. You research the separation and divorce laws of your state, make lists, do the math..... you figure it out. And even then.... you may get stuck with alot of debt (I did).... and still, it may be sooooooo worth it!!!!

@Avalon: Ya, the stories go on and on! I STILL shake me head when I think of him. Just know, that some stay because it seems easier to stay than to go... (that was me. I couldn't quite figure out HOW to afford to leave... couldn't count on him to help)... but gosh, once it happens..... the load is lifted... it's almost indescribable!!! Even the kids (all late teens at the time) "got it". They couldn't quite figure out why he left...(lol, neither could I).... but they sure appreciated the atmosphere in the home when he was gone!


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