# My wife says I'm controlling, don't give her freedom or love - what??



## JimmyJones (Aug 21, 2013)

Hi all, new here. Literally I feel like I have been stabbed in the heart and completely have no idea where to turn.
Basically here is the background, I am 38 my wife 28 and my wife and I have been together 10 years we have two sons 7 & 2, My wife has been pretty much stuck at home the past 5 years with our sons which has been quite a strain since she really hates routine, who doesn't. Last year she thought she was suffering depression, had lows and outbursts, lots of shouting over any and anything to me, the kids, anything. I couldn't help, she couldn't help herself and seriously I was on the edge. I love her to pieces but simply I didn't have the answer. All i could do was offer her time to herself by looking after the kids, I even let her go stay at hotels over the weekend for a break regularly. I basically searched the internet to help and recommended meditation to try to calm herself because it was becoming unbearable. At that time I would have walked but I love her and we have kids who are amazing and who don't deserve it. So despite the constant pain day in day out I stuck with it, often unfortunately exploding myself when she did. 
Some time after talking about meditation, she thought about medication for depression but then instead found a great therapist. It seems that depression wasn't the issue but rather she discovered she was becoming enlightened. So she set about throwing herself into gaining knowledge and has improved 10 fold over the last year to almost back to herself but even better. 
Now, i have helped her pay for courses on the subject, took time away from work to look after the kids so she could throw herself into it. i have done everything I can to help her. I bend over backwards if she needs something to help her develop because I know it's important. She feels she has really high vibrations, the therapists are impressed and she was doing fantastic. Recently she went on a 6 day course with other people but found she had problems getting along with them all, no one understands her, she's to 'evolved' and others 'iritate her and take her energy'. She came back a mess, like in a daze. She was home but was absolutley distracted. Spent days in bed barely doing anything as a result. I'm at work, she's watching the kids but literally does little to look after them. My sons nappy is full and hasn't been changed in hours and she feds them only kelloggs/ toast while going on her laptop and listening to the same music over and other again because she says it 'helps' her get energy. (I don't see it giving her anything). I don't sya anything, just let her be, give her her space and let her get on with it hoping she'll get over the problems she had on the course and get back to normal.

But now, one day i come home form work and she bursts out that the problem is me and she realises it always has been our relationship. She discovered in therapy sessions and meditations that somehow, her whole condition is as a result of me? WTF? Apparently I am controlling, I don't give her freedom, I am angry, I don't give her enough love and attention and as a result she says the sparkle has gone although she loves me more than I know and she always will, we are soul mates.
Now I absolutely disagree with everything she said, I might as well be a monster. Reality is - controlling? She says she feels she has to please me in things like how she dresses or looks. I have never commented on her clothes in that way, only once about a pair of flowery trousers i said 'next time let me go with you they are awful', but it's humour, I'm not serious. Who cares if she likes them. I'm allowed to have an opinion, no? I thing she looks amazing, although she hardly ever lets me see her naked anymore because she thinks she looks terrible. So who is controlling anything? I let her do whatever she wants, i try to help her, I may make suggestions - but only when she asks my opinion, I never tell her what to do (although this weekend I told her she needed to get her act together and not sit only on the laptop all day listening to music because she has two kids to look after while I'm back at work). Jeez I think that's fair - sometimes you have to be put straight.
Freedom? You couldn't have any more freedom, form weekends in hotels, giving her the option to go and do whatever she wants to get a break from the routine and to do her courses and concentrate on her health, she gives crappy examples that don't make any sense. 
Love and attention? Yes i must admit, i haven't been the greatest the past year - who could be? She used be shouting and screaming all the time and recently she is so immersed in her own stuff i just let her get on with it. And we have very infrequent intimacy/ sex and of course when a man over the course of years isn't getting any intimacy himself, how can you expect bundles back? Then it's just all give. A few years ago it was a big problme - I'm a man who would like to make out every night (she used to too when we first met) however through this difficult period she simply hasn't been interested and it really frustrated me. But despite my telling her that one day we will become just like flat mates if we don't re-discover out intimacy she dismissed it and nothing changed. So over time I've learnt to subdue this and don't make demands. I haven't even tried, not once to initiate sex because I don't want to pressure her. If anything happens, i let her make the move, so I haven't pestered her for years. (largely down to masturbating each day to get it out of my system). I leave her alone and let it just happen if/ when it happens.
But she says another problem is all i want is sex, she saw this too in her meditations, maybe I used to but not now. yes i would seriously like to spend all weekend in bed doing the Karma Sutra like we used to but I have thrown that out of the window a long time ago as never going to happen again in my lifetime.
Also perhaps I don't shower her with the amazing hugs and kisses she would probably like each and every day, but it's hard when she isn't really intimate either
Now angry, yes i can say I have been frustrated a lot, basically because I do work i hate and can't get out of it. So yes I am frustrated and sometimes when my oldest is a pain in the ass refusing to do anything I can boil over and shout, but I'm human, i know this is my problem and I have been trying hard to deal with having done great over the past year in controlling it. keep in mind my wife used to do this day in day out and these days (after the course) is highly irritable and I see she is going back that way, yet I'm the angry one?
She conceeds that she has problems too, but that we can only fix things when I recognise my problems and try to change. But I believe this is absolutely unfair, I don't deserve it. I have put as much as I can into our relationship and now I feel that what she said, is so unreasonable that I feel empty and there is no way back from it. I can't change something that isn't there. I don't blame her for anything; I would like more intimacy from her but like I said, I don't demand this and no longer will even broach the subject, it's pointless. So i don't expect anything fro her only to get back on track and improve herself so she feels back to her old self from 10 years ago for the sake of herself and our kids, not for me. Yet she demands things from me that I can't give because they aren't there 8anger aside - which I am dealing with and accept).
So what the hell am i to do? She called me just this morning, at work when she knows I have clients here all day (and I told her i can't really talk at work this week) to start to say again that it feels that i am only blaming her for the whole problem and it is me who needs to accept my problems in our relationship and change, and once I do this, she will change because she will gets what she needs. But until i accept my problems and deal with them we can't go anywhere and nothing will get better. So i have to change into something (I don't know how or what) because I am the cause of why she is why she is. So I feel I have been mentally betrayed and don't deserve it because in all honesty i think I am a great dad, a wonderful husband, and though i am not perfect I don't think anyone else in the world would be so undeservedly critiscsing me.
Help me God, help me someone. It makes no sense. 
I think to myself, today I will go home and tell her that i will give her more love and attention than you have ever seen in your life before, give her a big hug and a kiss, however when I get there and she's irritable and either shouting or sitting just listening to music on her laptop I just can't do it and i just feel depressed at the whole situation and want to walk out, feeling crushed and empty - but I have nowhere to go and our kids deserve the best. But I don't see a fix to it if she keesp this stance without realising how unreasonable this is, that it must simply be her own bizarre perception, in her head. Because I can't agree with it, i don't do those things, so how can i change?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Wow, your wife is something else. 

She's treating you like a doormat and is being very disrespectful. You need to put her foot down and tell her if she thinks your "controlling" show her the door. Keep those kids with you, she's not being a good mother either. Children should always be taken care of properly. Not thrown in front of a TV with junk food to eat with a wet diaper. That is neglect!

Your wife is treating you this way because you let her. She's the controlling one.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You're right, it's not you, it's her. She keeps looking for something outside of herself to fix her problems. She doesn't realize she is responsible for her own happiness, as are we all. She'll keep moving the bar, you'll never reach it. You must feel like a hamster on a wheel.

This is no simple depression. IMO she needs a new therapist, a psychologist. Meditation and stress relief is not going to fix this. Google symptoms of personality disorders. 

Yet what ever her problem or illness is you must have boundaries in place. You must not let her walk on you or abuse your kindness. Allowing that behavior will only reinforce her bad behavior and make it harder to for her to realize she can't treat you or others this way. This doesn't mean that you have to become a tyrant or a jerk. You should act the way you would be treated and own your bad behaviors too. 

These may help 
No More Mr Nice Guy

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You are not going to change her opinion of you whatever you do.

YOU HAVE TO ASK HER. In other words ask her exactly what she wants. Regarding herself and regarding you. You dont seem to have ever done that. As you have found out to your cost, therapy and going away to hotels with others is not the answer. I dont know if you have done marriage guidance, that is something you havent mentioned and should think about.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Her mood swings could be a symptom of bipolar. She has the lows (depression) & the highs (flights of ideas - mediation, etc.) but only a professional can dx. The bipolar people I know are also irritable & prone to rages if things don't go their way - the ones who are not properly medicated.

You can't fix her so you need to stop engaging in her nonsense & get control of your anger for your children's sake.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

CWI on 1...2...3...


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I agree Kobo.....


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

@JJ, she could very well be suffering from a mental health or emotionally crippling issues that need to be addressed and treated by a professional instead of being blanketed with self-help and meditation.

The other possibility could be that she's just not cut out to be a wife/homemaker/mother...and she realizes this but it's too late. Either way, she's not happy and things will only get worse unless something is done.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

This is very weird.

Meditation is supposed to give people peace and patience.

It was almost sounding like she was in some type of cult there for a second.

I agree- she needs to see a pro, and this may also be internal issues like feeling not fulfilled.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Assuming she is faithful,which I don't, you need to also read MMSLP linked to below. Google the blog too.

Dittos on NMMNG


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## JimmyJones (Aug 21, 2013)

bunny23 said:


> This is very weird.
> 
> Meditation is supposed to give people peace and patience.
> 
> ...


Yes, the meditation was working. The course she is on is basically a course for becoming a professional mental health therapist and the school is owned/ taught by experts in the field who are laso full time therapists and professionals. So she is surrounded by professionals. As an aspect of the course you have a therapist (or several if you want) who you work with to unlock and discover all your inner feelings/ problems from childhood to present. The point is that you can only really become a professional therapist once you have faced all the issues in your own life. You can't 'fix' someone else if you haven't can't even fix yourself. Using therapy is about exploring the sub and deep conscious levels to find the buried hidden issues that lead to anxieties, fears, hate, jealousy, insecurities, fear and a whole lot more. She she is seeing professionals, she has a therapist who is one of the most renowned in the country who has told her that she has developed 120% and beyond what would be expected. The point is this 6 day course was a course in a manor hotel in the middle of nowhere, with all the students and therapists together involving a hell of a lot of exploratory meditation (meditiation is not just sitting there with your fingers together in silence or listening to music humming, it is a state of hypnosis whereby you are relating to the 'higher you' to find answers. It is misunderstood all over the world what depression actually is -it isn't something that can be treated with medication or discussive therapy, you need to realise it is people who are on the verge of a change, but don't understand or know how to deal with that change and find they spiral down hill because they do not get the correct information. 

Anyway, point is according to these sessions it has opened up in her that this is where her problems are in life, the reason the past years she has been feeling how she has is down to the things I mentioned (freedom, controlling, anger, not enough love and attention). It could just have easily been childhood trauma, but unfortunately in my case it isn't but is something I can't fix, because it isn't there. Her therapist told her that she should discuss this with me and here we are.
I have tried to explain that this is her perception of these things, but it isn't reality - the reality is I have been a bloody good husband and these things are nonsense, that it's just in her head. Anyone else in the world, I believe would have very little to critiscise about me. But she refuses to believe that and instead says (because it was unveiled in her therapy therefore it must be true and I just can't admit it) that until I recognise that I am the cause, things will never change and she will always feel 'empty'. For me this is just how she sees things, but it isn't so at all. But she can't be convinced. She needs more love and attention (I'm 38 and I admit not the Don Juan who heaps masses of love and affection on another - I never have, take me or leave me) I show my love, but in many different ways, but for my wife this isn't enough. But asking me to change this is in effect changing who I am and whie I would love to be 'perfect' in giving her all that attention, it's just not me and will take a mountain of effort, but then it will be fake too.


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## JimmyJones (Aug 21, 2013)

Kobo said:


> CWI on 1...2...3...


I have no idea what that means..


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

JimmyJones said:


> I have no idea what that means..


coping with infidelity section.


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## JimmyJones (Aug 21, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> You're right, it's not you, it's her. She keeps looking for something outside of herself to fix her problems. She doesn't realize she is responsible for her own happiness, as are we all. She'll keep moving the bar, you'll never reach it. You must feel like a hamster on a wheel.
> 
> This is no simple depression. IMO she needs a new therapist, a psychologist. Meditation and stress relief is not going to fix this. Google symptoms of personality disorders.
> 
> ...


By the way, I am far from a nice guy. I was an ass and pretty much the bad boy who every girl around me wanted to jump into the sack with (and I was happy to do so) I tarted around even when we first met, however we fell in love and are absolute soul mates. I have read this information and I do a lot of the recommended things on a daily basis actually without evening having read it before (such as not listening to her gripes about problems/ issues which trouble her so she can find her own solution) - i do this actually because I'm tired of fixing these issues so don't bother anymore. But it doesn't work, it leads to a permanently tense situation whereby 'you never listen to me anymore'. In my opinion it is dodgy stuff handing this out to couples - you risk two things, being single or having a messy/ complicated married life. It simply doesn't work.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Anyway, point is according to these sessions it has opened up in her that this is where her problems are in life, the reason the past years she has been feeling how she has is down to the things I mentioned (freedom, controlling, anger, not enough love and attention).
> 
> 
> until I recognise that I am the cause, things will never change and she will always feel 'empty'.


*What a bunch of crap!!*

I wished that I had an answer for you that would fix everything.
What I can suggest is for you to start preparing yourself for more crises. Also, *start building yourself up immediately!!!*


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## JimmyJones (Aug 21, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Wow, your wife is something else.
> 
> She's treating you like a doormat and is being very disrespectful. You need to put her foot down and tell her if she thinks your "controlling" show her the door. Keep those kids with you, she's not being a good mother either. Children should always be taken care of properly. Not thrown in front of a TV with junk food to eat with a wet diaper. That is neglect!
> 
> Your wife is treating you this way because you let her. She's the controlling one.


No, I don't 'let her' treat me this way at all. I am a hard stone and stubborn as hell. I have never been walked over and I am the first person to say go fy.


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## JimmyJones (Aug 21, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> *What a bunch of crap!!*
> 
> I wished that I had an answer for you that would fix everything.
> What I can suggest is for you to start preparing yourself for more crises. Also, *start building yourself up immediately!!!*


I guess I don't think there is an answer for something that is in someone's head even though it really doesn't exist or is minor unless the therapist can somehow get her to understand this is just her perception. But if listening to my wife, for all the therapist knows is that is actually how I am So in fact will probably only serve to reinforce the issue.
Tough times ahead for me.


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## JimmyJones (Aug 21, 2013)

accept said:


> You are not going to change her opinion of you whatever you do.
> 
> YOU HAVE TO ASK HER. In other words ask her exactly what she wants. Regarding herself and regarding you. You dont seem to have ever done that. As you have found out to your cost, therapy and going away to hotels with others is not the answer. I dont know if you have done marriage guidance, that is something you havent mentioned and should think about.


Perhaps you didn't read fully. If I hadn't asked her, how would I have filled a page with all my 'problems' according to her? Of course we've talked, at length as you can see. I don't need to ask her, she told me everything I am at 'fault' with.

Going to hotels with others? What? Nope, simply taking a couple of nights in a hotel around the corner every from the house every couple of weeks or so when her mother isn't available to take the kids just to have space from routine and the kids, clear her head, do Reiki and Tre exercises and meditate. Even though she calls me from there like 10 times a day. I don't have parents living anywhere near, she only has her mother who is only available 1 weekend per month. So she never gets a break from the kids which every parent needs.

And marriage guidance is pants, really. It cannot help in a situation where one partner is seeing a professional therapist, hoping to become one and therefore belives she is becoming an expect on the human Psychi..


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## JimmyJones (Aug 21, 2013)

Emerald said:


> Her mood swings could be a symptom of bipolar. She has the lows (depression) & the highs (flights of ideas - mediation, etc.) but only a professional can dx. The bipolar people I know are also irritable & prone to rages if things don't go their way - the ones who are not properly medicated.
> 
> You can't fix her so you need to stop engaging in her nonsense & get control of your anger for your children's sake.


Medication is not an option for anyone nor should it be. Let's just suppress the actions but not get to the route of the cause. Medication is the easy option, but as statistics show, it actually does nothing to fix anyone. If you start it, you'll be on it for life. But it can be resolved in other ways, it isn't easy but it can work much better.


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## JimmyJones (Aug 21, 2013)

badcompany said:


> I agree Kobo.....





Kobo said:


> CWI on 1...2...3...


Er, there isn't any infedility. She can barley get her act together. Just shows you didn't read properly. She's the most honest, trustworthy and decent woman I have ever met. And I've met more than I've probably had hot dinners.
Her father was a rat with her mother (even though her mother was obviously a nagging ass so i don'tblame him) and this has always bothered her that she would never be mistreated, it is a massive issue for her. If I was to cheat, it would destroy her. And by the same she would never do what she would not want done to herself. I trust her completely on that, that's not an issue. She loves me to pieces, we are soul mates, that I guarantee, point is my 'failings' as she sees them are misguidedly leaving her feeling unloved.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

JimmyJones said:


> *Er, there isn't any infedility. She can barley get her act together. Just shows you didn't read properly. She's the most honest, trustworthy and decent woman I have ever met.* And I've met more than I've probably had hot dinners.
> Her father was a rat with her mother (even though her mother was obviously a nagging ass so i don'tblame him) and this has always bothered her that she would never be mistreated, it is a massive issue for her. If I was to cheat, it would destroy her. And by the same she would never do what she would not want done to herself. I trust her completely on that, that's not an issue. She loves me to pieces, we are soul mates, that I guarantee, point is my 'failings' as she sees them are misguidedly leaving her feeling unloved.


Are you sure your wife is not the same person as my STBXW?

There is nothing you can do to fix her, honestly. Your best option IMHO is to divorce and move on. Nobody deserves this crap.

And the bolded part above is for you to be very careful about. You will wonder how many used to think like that before their eyes opened. There might not be anything, but the red flags are certainly there. We have all seen this script being played over and over in hundreds of threads.


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## JimmyJones (Aug 21, 2013)

life101 said:


> Are you sure your wife is not the same person as my STBXW?
> 
> There is nothing you can do to fix her, honestly. Your best option IMHO is to divorce and move on. Nobody deserves this crap.
> 
> And the bolded part above is for you to be very careful about. You will wonder how many used to think like that before their eyes opened. There might not be anything, but the red flags are certainly there. We have all seen this script being played over and over in hundreds of threads.


Yes, point taken - but I know my wife like no one else. And I see how little time she has to herself - it would be near impossible. Besdies, usually it is my suggestion for her to go get a break, she never asks - just when I see it is tough and she's struggling i suggest she go for a night around the corner, simple. Nothing about it.
Divorce, if it was just the two of us, being honest I wouldn't take it - she'd be out the door. I haven't taken crap from any girl in my philandering career, anytime I got pissed with demand sor bullst, there's the door bye. But I have two wonderful kids who deserve a solid healthy home and I'm determined that's what they'll have. When they leave home then she can go (but not before she wins the lottery - cos i want half )


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

JimmyJones said:


> Perhaps you didn't read fully. If I hadn't asked her, how would I have filled a page with all my 'problems' according to her? Of course we've talked, at length as you can see. I don't need to ask her, she told me everything I am at 'fault' with.
> 
> Going to hotels with others? What? Nope, simply taking a couple of nights in a hotel around the corner every from the house every couple of weeks or so when her mother isn't available to take the kids just to have space from routine and the kids, clear her head, do Reiki and Tre exercises and meditate. Even though she calls me from there like 10 times a day. I don't have parents living anywhere near, she only has her mother who is only available 1 weekend per month. So she never gets a break from the kids which every parent needs.
> 
> And marriage guidance is pants, really. It cannot help in a situation where one partner is seeing a professional therapist, hoping to become one and therefore belives she is becoming an expect on the human Psychi..




Thanks for your long reply.

You again have too much trust in your professional therapist. Just because they have some letters after their names doesnt mean they will be good for you.
Dont you realise yet that they are ruining her. Having read some of your many posts and replies let me say something to you.
You seem to be believing that you know it all. Marriage is not a matter of right and wrong. Being right is not always the answer. Most people here who answer you have been or are still in a similar situation. You may be cleverer than them but when it comes to personalities which this is all about experience counts for more. 

Marriage guidance with a good counselor who wants to make the marriage work is really what you need. Someone who lays down the law and settles your arguments like a judge not trying to make you work it out for yourselves. They are few and far between and maybe even non-existent but that is usually the only way to put a marriage on a sure footing.

If she believes that you are the one at fault I wouldnt dismiss it so quickly. No one ever believes he is at fault. You have to ask a third person to decide this.


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## JimmyJones (Aug 21, 2013)

accept said:


> Thanks for your long reply.
> 
> You again have too much trust in your professional therapist. Just because they have some letters after their names doesnt mean they will be good for you.
> Dont you realise yet that they are ruining her. Having read some of your many posts and replies let me say something to you.
> ...


I disagree with you. Marriage counsellors are not the way in this instance, sorry. She has issues that need to be resolved properly with a therapist. You might not realise it but every action we take in life, every failed or successful marriage is not down to resolving conflicts between one another, this just gets you to accept them begrudgingly and move on. When issues arise they are deep lying within your subconscious caused by something else in life. It can even be something as simple as not having balanced male/ female energies or once when you were a young kid you were left alone by your parents and it terrified you. You may have forgotten these things but actually you haven't your subconscious mind is well aware of all these events that have had a negative impact and uses them for or against you on a daily basis even without you realising it. A marriage counsellor wouldn't have a clue how to deal with that. The counsellor will not be able to grasp the depth of what we are talking about, this is where every single man or woman's problems stem from. 
I know the therapists are not helping either obviously, because once you delve into this and go down that route it is very very dangerous and will unleish all sorts of emotions and bring all sorts of crap to the surface which previously you didn't realise. And the risk is that the person feeling this has to interpret and deal with it in the right way. But when you don't (which I believe is what is happening with my wife - she is misinterpreting the emotions that come up - partly because she now believes she is becoming 'in tune' with herself and understanding it all. But she isn't, in my opinion she has got it wrong. but you can't tell a woman that, they don't listen. The therapist is not there to help in this situation of a marriage in trouble, this situation arose as a result of deep conscious investigation and was brough about by therapy. therapy which is required to undertake to complete the course to become a therapist. 

And a thrid person can't decide whose fault it is, only people involved can do that since they don't have the knowledge. Besides, what fault, blame is a feeling like hate that has no place in this world. Blame in any form causes trauma, no matter how small, to yourself and those you blame. Same as hate. You don't realise it but if you use the word hate a lot, even simply 'I hate this TV show', it is because you actually subconsciously feel hate toward yourself, inwardly, either by yourself or others. So if there is blame involved you will creat blame around you. There is no blame only responsibility.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Op, I have read through all your posts and the replies. I know it is hard to accept answers that don't jive with your view points, but don't dismiss everything the people here say so easily.

First off, there is such thing as physical depression that has nothing to do with suppressed emotions. You can develop chemical imbalances that do affect us. It seems to me according to your time line that she changed after your second child was born. She may be suffering from post partum depression.

I understand that it appeared the tapes and meditation was working but in reality it just gave her an excuse to hide from life. She also may have a more serious mental illness that has developed, like bi-polar. Don't fu-fu this away. I also understand that you don't like medication, I don't either, but in some instances it can help.

Have you tried to take her to an acupuncturist or naturopath? If it is post-partum they may be able to use herbs to balance her hormones. Have you taken her to a Dr. and had her tested for a chemical imbalance?

If it is depression, which I believe it is, nothing you do will help her short of getting her in with the right Dr. and therapist - where you can talk to them too and give them a full picture of what it really going on, will help. You could buy her a mansion and hire a full time nanny and she would still not be happy.

The people she has been taking this course from sound like shysters to me. I bet they tell all their clients they are 120% beyond what most people do. They are in business to keep people buying their products. I am not sure I would believe half of what they say. I am totally open to meditation and the natural way of doing things, but you two have been fed a bunch of hooey. 

The next thing I would suggest is reading the 5 love language book. You seem like you are a nice guy and truly love your wife but if she feels love through physical contact, holding hands - cuddling, or through words of affection, and you don't provide this, all the alone time, etc. will not help.

I also get the feeling that you are going to dismiss this post as you have done with all the rest. You have your opinion and it is set in stone. I do however know a little of what I am saying. I have suffered from post partum after the birth of one of my children. It took 6 months to realize what was going on. I researched and took some herbs and was able to straighten myself out. I suffered from severe depression again when I started pre-menopause. This took a bit longer to take care of. Both times my depression caused me to behave in a way that was not me. To blow things out of proportion, blame others, loose my temper, cry, etc. Both times it was also brought on by chemical imbalances, not suppressed memories. Both times I was also able to treat or treat through the help of
professionals. 

Take her to a Dr. and get her checked. Then take her to a real therapist that will let you come in the sessions too.


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## JimmyJones (Aug 21, 2013)

JustHer said:


> Op, I have read through all your posts and the replies. I know it is hard to accept answers that don't jive with your view points, but don't dismiss everything the people here say so easily.
> 
> First off, there is such thing as physical depression that has nothing to do with suppressed emotions. You can develop chemical imbalances that do affect us. It seems to me according to your time line that she changed after your second child was born. She may be suffering from post partum depression.
> 
> ...


She was like this before my youngest was born, we only realise it now looking back, that she's probably been like this about 4 years but getting worse.
The therapists aren't 'shysters' it is a professional organisation. They are the most celebrated professionals in their business, which is why she chose this route. The problems come from what you unearth if you can't deal with it. They need to help her repair this damage, not I. A big problem though is she doesn't get along with others on the course who are bitter, resentful at her progress, they can't help it, it's natural flaws in character, like we all have but don't realise we are doing it. She just can't stand to be around nasty people it irritates her. Which makes the course twice as hard.
Perhaps you don't fully understand but it isn't medititation like you imagine this is far different. It isn't hooey, and no one has been fed anything believe me. Plus, like I said, this is not therapy for therapy treatment this was as part of her education in becoming a qualified therapist. It's something all qualified therapists must do. But I just guess it is too much for her, going too deep into the psychi.
As for being involved in seesions, that is not realy allowed in any professional service, there is patient/ dr confidentiality. Couselling yes, but anyway this isn't just therapy like i said, this is yer education. So if i want to be there I'd have to sign up to.

But I appreciate the advice on the book - thank you i will take a look.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I have seen this exact , same dynamic in my female cousin's marriage.
She joined a church , became enlightened , but things got worse.
Growing up with her , I knew her history.

Her husband was a genuine nice guy. He tried EVERYTHING , but I told him to stop wasting his time ,she was unpredictable.
He purchased another house , left her and took their daughter to live with him.
He then divorced her .
Eventually got remarried.
She , however has remained single. I feel sorry for her , she is a brilliant woman, but she has problems. Even her kids from another relationship before she was married have problems with her.

EDIT: My cousin didn't have any extramarital affairs. But she had three kids. The two previous ones were for different men, obviously the third would be for her husband.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

OP I find your simple analysis about drugs to be alarming. Drugs have helped countless lives. Your zealous beliefs, including that in this mediation system, will be your family's bane. 

Your family is not some clinical trial to advance students in this organization's methods. You are real people made of flesh and blood, not some lab mice. This training would never be allowed in any medical school. You say you do not allow yourself to be treated badly, yet you are allowing her to do so because some entity says this is the way and the light. Do not allow your marriage to be experimented upon. She is responsible for her happiness, not you or anyone else. Whether this is an illness or she is misguided by her studies, it won't be seen until she seeks real medical help.

I wish your family well.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

JimmyJones said:


> Yes, point taken - but I know my wife like no one else. And I see how little time she has to herself - it would be near impossible. *Besdies, usually it is my suggestion for her to go get a break, she never asks - just when I see it is tough and she's struggling i suggest she go for a night around the corner, simple. Nothing about it.*
> Divorce, if it was just the two of us, being honest I wouldn't take it - she'd be out the door. I haven't taken crap from any girl in my philandering career, anytime I got pissed with demand sor bullst, there's the door bye. But I have two wonderful kids who deserve a solid healthy home and I'm determined that's what they'll have. When they leave home then she can go (but not before she wins the lottery - cos i want half )


Note the bolded part. So maybe you are controlling? It is your suggestion that she leave the home? She leaves according to your instructions? Maybe leaving is not the answer to her problems?

Of course, by now she is probably used to it, but I'm thinking that maybe your request that she leave to deal with her problems is telling her that you want no part of it, as in "go away!"?

And how is that she neglect the home and the children to "listen" to music on her computer. If only her ears are actively engaged in this music or sounds, is she not capable of doing something else while listening?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: My wife says I'm controlling, don't give her freedom or love - what??*



anchorwatch said:


> You're right, it's not you, it's her. She keeps looking for something outside of herself to fix her problems. She doesn't realize she is responsible for her own happiness, as are we all. She'll keep moving the bar, you'll never reach it. You must feel like a hamster on a wheel.
> 
> This is no simple depression. IMO she needs a new therapist, a psychologist. Meditation and stress relief is not going to fix this. Google symptoms of personality disorders.
> 
> ...





JimmyJones said:


> By the way, I am far from a nice guy. I was an ass and pretty much the bad boy who every girl around me wanted to jump into the sack with (and I was happy to do so) I tarted around even when we first met, however we fell in love and are absolute soul mates. I have read this information and I do a lot of the recommended things on a daily basis actually without evening having read it before (such as not listening to her gripes about problems/ issues which trouble her so she can find her own solution) - i do this actually because I'm tired of fixing these issues so don't bother anymore. But it doesn't work, it leads to a permanently tense situation whereby 'you never listen to me anymore'. In my opinion it is dodgy stuff handing this out to couples - you risk two things, being single or having a messy/ complicated married life. It simply doesn't work.


Didn't see this response before my last post. Just to say the dodgy stuff you refer to has been written by professionals who don't hide their credentials. Unlike your mysterious meditation organization. 

This sounds a lot like L. Ron Hubbard's organization. 

You do know your random screen name is that of a notorious cult leader. Is that irony?

Still, my previous post stands. I wish your family well


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

JimmyJones said:


> No, I don't 'let her' treat me this way at all. I am a hard stone and stubborn as hell. I have never been walked over and I am the first person to say go fy.


but she still treats you this way in spite of your ability to say " fy."

so the question you're asking is why?

The answer is because you_ allow_ her to.

Like Anchorwatch says, there is professional help for her condition.
Obviously the meditation which she chose didn't quite work out.
So you can start by giving her an ultimatum to seek better professional help and medication.

There are options to help her fix her condition.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

JimmyJones said:


> Er, there isn't any infedility. She can barley get her act together. Just shows you didn't read properly. She's the most honest, trustworthy and decent woman I have ever met. And I've met more than I've probably had hot dinners.
> Her father was a rat with her mother (even though her mother was obviously a nagging ass so i don'tblame him) and this has always bothered her that she would never be mistreated, it is a massive issue for her. If I was to cheat, it would destroy her. And by the same she would never do what she would not want done to herself. I trust her completely on that, that's not an issue. She loves me to pieces, we are soul mates, that I guarantee, point is my 'failings' as she sees them are misguidedly leaving her feeling unloved.


Almost everyone believes this and yet.............

Especially in your case where you have been turned into the root of all evil.

Question her about the week she took the course. Ask her if she saw any of the others hook up. Then ask her. Look her straight in the eye to see her reaction.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Thanks for your reply to my post and to all the others.
I have nothing really to add to what I have already written to which you take no notice of. Neither do you take notice of anyone else's post. I can only say that you are just harming yourself by doing this. These 'professionals' have just ruined your life and you wont admit it.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

accept said:


> Thanks for your reply to my post and to all the others.
> I have nothing really to add to what I have already written to which you take no notice of. Neither do you take notice of anyone else's post. I can only say that you are just harming yourself by doing this. These 'professionals' have just ruined your life and you wont admit it.


:iagree:

I just want to add that I am beginning to think your wife might be right. I think you are controlling. You come here for help, but only if the answer is what you want, you dismiss every answer that you are not agreeable to. I will bet my bottom dollar that this is the way you treat your wife too.

Also, the age difference is quite telling. Why would a 28 year old marry an 18 year old? Did you need someone who would look up to you? I am not trying to be rude here, but it is a bit unusual. Did she marry you because she say a daddy figure in you? Is she older now and not wanting to be dominated any more?

And who's idea was it to have the kids so young? Who's idea was it for her to stay home? You will probably say you two decided these things together, but I bet if we asked her she would say something different.

OP, I don't think you give her what she needs. You give her what YOU think she needs. You listen, but then you dismiss and do what you want, just like you have here. I have no doubt you will dismiss this post too.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

bobbieb65 said:


> @JJ, she could very well be suffering from a mental health or emotionally crippling issues that need to be addressed and treated by a professional instead of being blanketed with self-help and meditation.
> 
> The other possibility could be that she's just not cut out to be a wife/homemaker/mother...and she realizes this but it's too late. Either way, she's not happy and things will only get worse unless something is done.



This is spot on. I honestly think we choose our mates based on feelings, lust and other unimportant factors and completly diseregard deal breakers or real issues that make them completely incompatible with raising children. 

This is why folks really need to be honest with expectations and really discuss if they are ready and more importantly willing to deal with the rigors of child care and parenting in general. Some people should not be parents period. Some people should not have children. Some people should not be in stressful situations. 
Kids are very stressful and time consuming. Not everybody should have one because they are not built for it.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I haven't read all the replies, but this situation is what makes me hesitant to encourage counseling sometimes. The basis of counseling is to "empower" the individual. The problem is that the basis *should* be to empower them only to an extent that doesn't give them an inflated sense of entitlement and false ideas about what it realistic to expect. 

The blahs are an occasional fact of life, and it's nobody's fault. 
We have duties to other people whether we want to or not. Fact.
We have no right to place responsibility for our happiness on other people - this is a false belief. 

She can lay in the garden and complain about the dirt or thrill to the flowers, but you can't control her thoughts.


P.S. <--- Former drug and alcohol counselor speaking.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

I am confused about the whole therapy school she is in. 

Is this a traditional school leading to a therapy degree or not?

Many psychologists or psychiatrists while giving meditation a superficial "okay" do not view it as an acceptable treatment for any issue. Kind of like your MD would tell you to try acupuncture but knows that there is no peer reviewed study that shows it would work for pain.

There are 2 things- one would be she is having situational issues, and that may include anxiety and depression, but she would get over those with therapy.

The other is actual CLINICAL issues that would require medication and counseling.

I am just confused about this school she is in. There is no "you need to deal with your issues before you can be a counselor"
Generally you pass classes and are judged on your assessment of others and GRADES.

Just wondering if maybe this school is causing her to question things and possibly making her pull away from the relationship. It's not unheard of.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> But I have two wonderful kids who deserve a solid healthy home and I'm determined that's what they'll have.


Jimmy
*I admire your determination! You may even be able to get your marriage on a much better level and I hope that you do*.

From what you have described your wife has some very serious issues and you may have some issues also.

The bottom line is that you keep trying to give those wonderful children a solid healthy home. However, do not rule out the possibility that after all the efforts your children may be better off with out so much trouble in the marriage. In other words the least harmful to the children maybe that you and your wife separate

Your strong desire is admirable but some times people can defeat admirable desires and that is when you need to keep your mind open to other options.

*Constant crises can wear down even the best of men; a defeated and broken man would not be best for the children*.


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