# I need to get my head examined



## InLovewith2 (Jul 21, 2011)

I am new to these boards. I will try to not be long winded with what's going on in my life. 

Been married for 24 years now. It hasn't been the best of marriages - my husband tried to leave me (over the 24 years) 8 times; about 8 years ago he cheated on me (never slept with her - just kissed her and "dated"). We always argued or fought over something. Even today, we sometimes are not on the same page. We have been working at this marriage for many months now to make it right (not just for our sake but the sake of our kids - 12 and 10). 

My husband has been very verbally abusive over the years. Still today, he will say extremely hurtful things that stick. To escape my pain, I started fantasizing about a co-worker about year ago. He emailed me one day out of the blue about 4 weeks ago asking for ideas about a stress reliever. He was having a pretty tough week. Well, when I saw his email I was so excited for some reason. I wrote back, "a nice massage and a good bottle of wine". Mind you, that was one of my fantasies with him. He wrote back, "wow...sounds good. Keep going. After all, it's Friday!!". I wrote back, "eating dinner while watching the sunset on the bay, taking a long walk on the beach and lots of lovemaking after that". He responded, "seriously?? What else??". Long story short, I wound up telling him that I have been fantasizing about him. He immediately wanted to meet with me (he also asked at some point in our emailing, "are your giving me an invitation?" We wound up talking in my car and I also wound up telling him that I talk sexy (dirty). He wanted examples and I told him. He seemed to want me but wouldn't make any moves (I think he was scared). Over the last several weeks, I feel a very strong connection with him (we never had any sexual encounters between us; just giving him my examples of talking "hot" - for some odd reason, he finds this intriguing - not sure why). We are having lunch today (I asked him). I know nothing will happen between us, but I have to get him out of my system. We work in the same building but I don't work with him. I can't believe I allowed things to get like this. My husband and I have been doing great, but the moment something happens between us (an argument), I immediately fantasize about my co-worker. And yes, I did tell my husband about the emailing incident (mind you, the night before all of this emailing happened, my husband told me to go find someone else to be with - we fought about something). I think I told my husband to see what kind of reaction he would have. He was hurt, but he understood. And lately (twice so far) he has shown up at my work unannounced. I think he fears that something will wind up happening with me and my co-worker.

How do I break this cycle? 

The really sad part to all of this is that I always prided myself that I would NEVER even THINK about cheating on my husband!!! All bets are off now - I think the years of abuse that he's done (and still does when he gets mad) can't be rectified. And my coworker is the complete opposite of my husband. He is soft spoken, doesn't lose his temper and treats his wife and kids like gold. His wife doesn't deserve it because she leaves the cleaning and cooking to her husband. He hates that because he would like her to help but she doesn't. I love to cook and clean and all of that - and he knows it because we've shared our likes/dislikes about our spouses. [/SIZE]s MS"]


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

InLove . . . this reminds me of another thread from awhile ago with some guy asking if it's ok to step out of his relationship with a married woman. No! No, no. You and your co-worker are having a fun little fanatasy between you two but you're playing with fire. Your husband has obviously said some horrible things to you (when you wrote that he told you to find someone else, I immmediately thought 'go for it') but.... your coworker is married with children, oh yeah - and you are too. 

If your marriage is so bad, do the right thing and get into therapy or start the divorce - you and your husband need to decide this. And if lover-boy's marriage is so bad, he needs to do the same. Read some of these threads of spouses who cheat and see where you might end up if you continue - and the pain and misery you will bring to your spouses, kids and others.

Tell lover boy what you both have been doing is wrong and has to stop. Now. If you both end up single, then give it a go but until then . . . 

Good luck. Do the right thing.


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## InLovewith2 (Jul 21, 2011)

Thanks for the advice, Jayde.

I think a part of me wants to get back at my husband for the way he's hurt me through the many years that we've been married. Several years ago my husband made the comment that no one would want me because they wouldn't want to put up with my sh*t ( I was going through a long battle with depression for 6 years because I had quit smoking - my husband had no compassion throughout my battle. I finally have overcome it). 

My husband has already admitted to me (this was after I told him about me and my co-worker) that it was his fault that I seeked out another person - and he said that he didn't blame me (although he was hurt hearing about it). But you would have thought that he wouldn't be nasty with me. He still can be. Maybe I still am emotionally attached to my co-worker in hopes that my husband will finally realize what HE has and stop getting nasty with me. I don't know. All I know is that this is no fun to want someone you can't have. It just causes a lot of confusion.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

InLove - have you talked to your husband about therapy? I can see that you might be looking at this extra-relationship as a means to get back at your husband - and in some ways, he's given you the green light. but don't take it. Without a whole lot of detail, I'd bet him getting nasty with you is more his personal issue than anything you are doing. And this is something he needs to seek help for. And if he doesn't agree on MC, then perhaps you can try to get IC for yourself - work through your resentment toward him and be able to see your marriage from a clearer perspective.

Congrats on quitting smoking and overcoming depression. I've been both those places. And, i don't think my wife ever 'got' the depression bit.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

You've told us what your husband has done to deserve this. What has his wife done to you? She doesn't like to cook or clean? How dare she?! Did it ever occur to you that she could be going through a depression, too? What have your children or his done to deserve this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## InLovewith2 (Jul 21, 2011)

Okay LUVMYH...you can come off of your soapbox now. I sure as hell don't need a lecture. So unless you have personally walked in my shoes, it's best to stay out of the conversation. This situation just happened - and yes, I take the blame as much as I throw the blame at my husband. I'm not trying to make excuses for how I feel or what I've done, which it's all been talk and nothing physical. 

If I want or need a lecture in the future, I'll be sure to visit my local church.

P.S. And no, she's not going through a depression. My co-worker's wife is just too busy with her career to take care of her family. She has her priorties a bit backwards. My coworker takes care of the cooking, cleaning, etc. He resents that she doesn't pitch in and I can relate to that.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

This ends very, very, badly unless you take some personal responsibility, either for salvaging your marriage, or for ending it.

"Wait and see" or have an affair if I don't like how he's treating me are poor choices.

Nothing good can come out of the relationship you have fostered with your co-worker.


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## InLovewith2 (Jul 21, 2011)

Deejo said:


> This ends very, very, badly unless you take some personal responsibility, either for salvaging your marriage, or for ending it.
> 
> "Wait and see" or have an affair if I don't like how he's treating me are poor choices.
> 
> Nothing good can come out of the relationship you have fostered with your co-worker.



I get that...but how do I get my co-worker out of my head?? It's not like I can walk away from him. I work with him and do see him almost daily.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

InLovewith2 said:


> Okay LUVMYH...you can come off of your soapbox now. I sure as hell don't need a lecture. So unless you have personally walked in my shoes, it's best to stay out of the conversation. This situation just happened - and yes, I take the blame as much as I throw the blame at my husband. I'm not trying to make excuses for how I feel or what I've done, which it's all been talk and nothing physical.
> 
> If I want or need a lecture in the future, I'll be sure to visit my local church.
> 
> P.S. And no, she's not going through a depression. My co-worker's wife is just too busy with her career to take care of her family. She has her priorties a bit backwards. My coworker takes care of the cooking, cleaning, etc. He resents that she doesn't pitch in and I can relate to that.


Your choosing to come here and post about your circumstances is admirable. But understand, there are many, many people here that have been devastated as a result of the choice their spouse made when faced with the exact same circumstances you face. 

You are having an affair. Not a physical one, yet. But your emotional focus is outside of your marriage, on another married man.

So? How can we support you?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Focus on your marriage. 

Tell the other man that you have informed your husband and that the two of you are trying to determine whether or not you have a future together. But in order to do that ... insist that your co-worker not contact you.

Get yourselves into therapy. You will need a third party to help you determine what the issues are, and whether or not BOTH you and your husband want to do the work to overcome them.

Worse thing you can do? String your husband along while also fostering a relationship with the other man. We call that 'having your cake and eating it too' around here. That is why I encourage taking responsibility for the choices you make. It is a very encouraging sign that you told your husband. 

Strongly recommend counseling for the two of you.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

You were justifying your behavior by saying your husband deserves it. I was just pointing out that there are other lives involved, which seems to have struck a nerve. That was not a lecture, it just wasn't what you wanted to hear.

You have children and are carrying on with a married man with children. Maybe instead of judging his wife's priorities, you should examine your own. You only know his side of the story. He could treat his wife worse than your husband ever treated you, for all you know. He wouldn't tell you that. He's going to paint a picture that puts him in the best light. Don't be fooled. If he was being a good husband, he wouldn't be crossing lines with a coworker. 

That is all I will post here, since you are choosing who can respond to your thread. I didn't know that was an option, but I will respect that. 

Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

InLovewith2 said:


> How do I break this cycle?


By actively stopping it. Stop emailing your co-worker. 

Yes, it really is that simple. As for how to stop thinking about him--everytime he pops in your head, redirect your focus elsewhere.

I understand you are hurt by your husband leaving you numerous times, his own cheating, his verbal abuse and feel you want to experience some of waht you did, but this isn't the way. If you truly want to teach him it's not ok & you are fed up and done, you could just leave him and/or file for separation and divorce. 

Deejo's advice is spot on.



InLovewith2 said:


> P.S. And no, she's not going through a depression. My co-worker's wife is just too busy with her career to take care of her family.


That you know of.

No cheater in the universe EVER tells their affair partner that their spouse is wonderful, charming, the best of the best, the most awesome housewife/partner, cook, cleaning lady/man, and satisfies them 100%. 

That's part of the cheater' script. They have to demonize the spouse in order to justify the affair.

It's Cheating 101.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

InLovewith2 said:


> I get that...but how do I get my co-worker out of my head?? It's not like I can walk away from him. I work with him and do see him almost daily.


I know exactly how you feel. I have walked in your shoes very recently (hope they don't smell - just kidding - LOL). I am also married and have had another man in my head since February of this year. I recently told him that I cannot see him anymore. It was a hard decision to make, because of the way he made me feel everyday with his sweet emails telling me that I'm beautiful, calling me Princess, etc. Who wouldn't like that? Anyway, I know I've lost the connection at home and knew I wouldn't be able to find it again if the other man was in the picture.

It's certainly a minute-by-minute struggle to get him out of my head, but I do find myself thinking about other things, including my husband and daughter. Sometimes it takes me by surprise that I wasn't thinking about the other man. But sometimes I have to force other thoughts in my head. I know if I can do it, you can to. You just have to "woman up". Do the right thing.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You could change jobs as a way to get this fool out of your head.

Just putting that out there. If it is worth it to you to keep your marriage, then all actions, small and large, are on the table.

I realize the economy is difficult right now. But make the effort to get a transfer, to apply for a job elsewhere, etc.

Staying where you are is just like putting a steak in the tiger cage.


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## InLovewith2 (Jul 21, 2011)

LuvMyH said:


> You were justifying your behavior by saying your husband deserves it. I was just pointing out that there are other lives involved, which seems to have struck a nerve. That was not a lecture, it just wasn't what you wanted to hear.
> 
> You have children and are carrying on with a married man with children. Maybe instead of judging his wife's priorities, you should examine your own. You only know his side of the story. He could treat his wife worse than your husband ever treated you, for all you know. He wouldn't tell you that. He's going to paint a picture that puts him in the best light. Don't be fooled. If he was being a good husband, he wouldn't be crossing lines with a coworker.
> 
> ...


Sorry, I didn't mean to get on the defensive side of the fence. Believe me, I still cannot believe that this even happened. Nothing physical happened and it won't. I think it was pretty much a "biatch" session that we had about our spouses. My co-worker has even said that there are two sides to everyone's story, which is true because I'm sure I do things to aggrevate my husband and he does things to aggrevate his wife. I know he doesn't want this to turn into a physical affair; neither do I but I want no more parts of this. And yes, I know my husband and I need counseling, although I think it will be a hard sell because my husband believes that things are great between us. Even though I told my husband what happened, what he doesn't know is that this guy is still in my head. As Desi said to Lucy, "I got a lot of 'splaining' to do". Not sure how my husband will react to this. But I will be sure to put the sole blame on myself because my co-worker isn't doing the "chasing". I am.

Thanks everyone for some great advice - even though it hurts to hear some of it


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## InLovewith2 (Jul 21, 2011)

LuvMyH said:


> You were justifying your behavior by saying your husband deserves it. I was just pointing out that there are other lives involved, which seems to have struck a nerve. That was not a lecture, it just wasn't what you wanted to hear.
> 
> You have children and are carrying on with a married man with children. Maybe instead of judging his wife's priorities, you should examine your own. You only know his side of the story. He could treat his wife worse than your husband ever treated you, for all you know. He wouldn't tell you that. He's going to paint a picture that puts him in the best light. Don't be fooled. If he was being a good husband, he wouldn't be crossing lines with a coworker.
> 
> ...


Sorry, I didn't mean to get on the defensive side of the fence. Believe me, I still cannot believe that this even happened. Nothing physical happened and it won't. I think it was pretty much a "biatch" session that we had about our spouses. My co-worker has even said that there are two sides to everyone's story, which is true because I'm sure I do things to aggrevate my husband and he does things to aggrevate his wife. I know he doesn't want this to turn into a physical affair; neither do I but I want no more parts of this. And yes, I know my husband and I need counseling, although I think it will be a hard sell because my husband believes that things are great between us. Even though I told my husband what happened, what he doesn't know is that this guy is still in my head. As Desi said to Lucy, "I got a lot of 'splaining' to do". Not sure how my husband will react to this. But I will be sure to put the sole blame on myself because my co-worker isn't doing the "chasing". I am.

It comes down to one thing - if my marriage was already strong, I most likely would have not turned to another person.

Thanks everyone for some great advice - even though it hurts to hear some of it


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