# Hello



## Big Al

First time here. I have been married for many years, my wife and I get along very well, considering that we both work from home and have had only each others company since the beginning of the pandemic, I would say our lives are good. We have had our share of troubles and have seem to come through them. Recently she has found some online friends in chat rooms, and I suspect things are getting pretty flirty. I'm okay with that, I had my share of adventures. I' am thinking that being jealous would be a total backfire for me, she seems happy and I want her to be able flirt and not be oppressed by my jealousy. anyway just my first post. Hello


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## jlg07

Welcome to TAM. Lots of good folks here to help.
As for the on-line flirting -- be VERY careful and keep a watchful eye. This is how MANY EA's (emotional affairs) start. You can read MANY stories like this here, so be aware.


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## Big Al

jlg07 said:


> Welcome to TAM. Lots of good folks here to help.
> As for the on-line flirting -- be VERY careful and keep a watchful eye. This is how MANY EA's (emotional affairs) start. You can read MANY stories like this here, so be aware.


Thanks, it did not go so well. I woke up Friday night around 12:30 am to go to the bathroom, and could hear my wife talking with a guy from her game. she was laughing and talking about another guy in her game being jealous of them. I confronted her about it Saturday morning and told her my concerns of her having an emotional affair. She assured me if was not romantic, but that she was thinking of quitting the game and he called her trying to talk her out of it. I asked her how she would feel fi she caught me talking to a woman on the phone in the middle of the night when I expected her to be sleeping. That got her attention and she agreed that she would feel the same way. to add to the drama we had both been drinking which tends to exacerbate any arguments we engage in. We made up Sunday morning. I told her don't want to be jealous, but her talking to a man at that hour, sealed the deal on my suspicion, when I notice that she is using other apps to chat, and chat is happening with only men outside of the game, what I am to think? Now just trying to put the pieces back together, I'm not sure where to go from here, except to make a counseling appointment. I want to fix things between us, not let them deteriorate further.


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## jlg07

You can't fix this -- SHE is the one causing the issues here with her cheating (and YES that is what she is doing --- talking to all sorts of guys now -- not even IN the game she was playing?). Look she is playing an ONLINE game -- why do those guys even HAVE her phone number?
You need to make some hard, unbendable boundaries here.
Her doing ANY of this is BS. If you don't and you don't give her hard consequences for what she has ALREADY done then this WILL continue to deteriorate.
One thing -- do NOT draw a line and then NOT hold up the repercussions if she goes over. If you say, if I catch you again, i will divorce you -- DO NOT BLUFF that. You HAVE to follow through with this because she will just realize that if you don't you WILL NOT do anything about it and will just accept it in the future.

To ME, STOP talking with any/all of these guys, quit all of those games, FULL open devices that YOU can check at ANY TIME, no deleting conversations, etc.. She is way down the slippery slope.


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## Big Al

jlg07 said:


> You can't fix this -- SHE is the one causing the issues here with her cheating (and YES that is what she is doing --- talking to all sorts of guys now -- not even IN the game she was playing?). Look she is playing an ONLINE game -- why do those guys even HAVE her phone number?
> You need to make some hard, unbendable boundaries here.
> Her doing ANY of this is BS. If you don't and you don't give her hard consequences for what she has ALREADY done then this WILL continue to deteriorate.
> One thing -- do NOT draw a line and then NOT hold up the repercussions if she goes over. If you say, if I catch you again, i will divorce you -- DO NOT BLUFF that. You HAVE to follow through with this because she will just realize that if you don't you WILL NOT do anything about it and will just accept it in the future.
> 
> To ME, STOP talking with any/all of these guys, quit all of those games, FULL open devices that YOU can check at ANY TIME, no deleting conversations, etc.. She is way down the slippery slope.


This actually turned out to be a misunderstanding. I have now seen all the text messages and sat in on a couple of phones calls, it's all about the game (which I do not pretend how these MMO games work exactly) I should have just talked to her in the very beginning and told her my concerns. Instead I let jealousy tear up my mind. I should have had more confidence in her. Now I am back to doing the things that make her attracted to me, like trying to find some way to make her feel special every day, dressing up for her, and building her up.


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## jlg07

Just keep your eyes on this -- MANY here have had EA's started EXACTLY the way she is talking with these players on games.


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## Mr.Married

All the butter lip service and he shall remain quiet ....... smart girl.
Mouth shut .... ears open.


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## Al_Bundy

Big Al said:


> This actually turned out to be a misunderstanding. I have now seen all the text messages and sat in on a couple of phones calls, it's all about the game (which I do not pretend how these MMO games work exactly) I should have just talked to her in the very beginning and told her my concerns. Instead I let jealousy tear up my mind. I should have had more confidence in her. Now I am back to doing the things that make her attracted to me, like trying to find some way to make her feel special every day, dressing up for her, and building her up.


Hope this is the one time catching your wife giving out her phone number to other guys works out for husband. 

It is odd that you catch her talking to other guys and now you are putting her on a pedestal. Those things will make her feel comfortable, not sure about attraction.


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## SunCMars

Once a clever man plants a doubting mouse in a vulnerable woman's mind, it gnaws off, rather quickly, her pants.


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## lifeistooshort

Can you elaborate on what you mean when you said you've had your adventures too?


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## Big Al

No, because there haven't been any adventures, I was trying to tell myself here that I deserved this. But you were all right. She was texting, planning to leave me. I feel like such fool


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## Sfort

Are you looking for input from the group, or are you just saying things out loud to get comfortable with them?


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## pastasauce79

Big Al said:


> No, because there haven't been any adventures, I was trying to tell myself here that I deserved this. But you were all right. She was texting, planning to leave me. I feel like such fool


Sorry you are going through this.


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## Casual Observer

Big Al said:


> No, because there haven't been any adventures, I was trying to tell myself here that I deserved this. But you were all right. She was texting, planning to leave me. I feel like such fool


Your posts are all over the map in terms of what she’s doing and what it means. I think the drinking issue you mentioned, which is an issue for both of you, is destroying both your vision and resolve. You can’t fix or even assess things well if you’re not of clear mind.


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## DownByTheRiver

I think you handled it just fine. Covid is just about over enough for you two to start livening up your lives and going to do things, so go do things, take a weekend recreational trip or something to break the monotony. I mean a year of this, I'd say you're doing well enough, but yeah, she needed a reality check about caring enough about that game/chat to be up in the middle of the night. But that's why she needs "real life" to come back asap. We're all missing stuff, you know. Good luck. Get you two out and do something she loves.


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## Big Al

I'm kind all over the map because. I'm in shock. I became and remained sober, but too little too late. the fault is equal. I just want to be a man of value, I've been man of success. I now have to pick up the pieces and be a man of value


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## anchorwatch

Big Al said:


> I'm kind all over the map because. I'm in shock. I became and remained sober, but too little too late. the fault is equal. I just want to be a man of value, I've been man of success. *I now have to pick up the pieces and be a man of value*


Do it for you! One foot in front of the other...


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## Casual Observer

Big Al said:


> I'm kind all over the map because. I'm in shock. I became and remained sober, but too little too late. the fault is equal. I just want to be a man of value, I've been man of success. I now have to pick up the pieces and be a man of value


Fault is never "equal." Fault is individual. Each of your are responsible for your own actions, and one does not create the other's failure. Opportunity <> inevitability.


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## Big Al

those are some wise words. Thank you


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## Big Al

anchorwatch said:


> Do it for you! One foot in front of the other...


Thank you. I feel as though I can move forward.


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## Big Al

After a very rough week my head is up. Instead of wallowing any further I am going to let her go. By that I mean I am


Sfort said:


> Are you looking for input from the group, or are you just saying things out loud to get comfortable with them?


saying it out loud for self therapy, no input will change what has happened


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## Big Al

After a full week of mourning, I have pulled myself out of a self pitying mode. We would have been together 40 years next year. But it's all over now, once I called the bluff on the texting, and what was clearly an EA, that was it. I had our session with the counselor as was a regular thing, and she didn't bother to join, instead she took the dogs and left the house. It really hurts to watch it develop, try to stop it, but not be able to. We built a huge successful and and empty life. So, I go on now, I probably watched unhinged 3 times this week, and that was weird. But we have agreed that we will do this equally and with no fighting. I think we will both be better off, and be happier. Maybe this is an opportunity for us both to stop stagnating and be happy. I hold no ill will towards her, no matter what, I will always love her. Not sure better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all applies anymore. not sure of much these days, just picking up the pieces and moving on. I don't need input from this post, just putting my thoughts down for myself really


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