# Things are getting worse, not better



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I don't know what to do. 

Our marriage started to move into the troubled category more than 3 years ago. We were dealing with the same challenges our marriage has always had. I'm just going to list them to make this easier to write out:

*mismatched sex drives (mine's higher)
*lying. husband is not a pathological liar, but maybe one step under that. a habitual liar? he uses lies to dodge really communicating with me, and has since the very beginning of the relationship. I knew it was a problem before we were married, but didn't realize the extent of it then.
*mismatched energy levels. I'm high energy, he's very passive. It wasn't a problem before we had kids, but when I had to supply the energy to get 2 kids and myself out the door, plus him, I got resentful. 
*unmet needs. I can ask him for something specific, and he will say sure but usually not follow through. 

Things really took a turn for the worse 2 summers ago when the younger one, at 3 years old, was still waking up 5-10 times per night. I hadn't slept through the night since she was born, but H always did, as I breastfed and always had nighttime duty. I'm a SAHM and he works, so we both agreed that was fair. But at 3+ years of intense sleep deprivation, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. In fact, if it's possible to have a slow-motion nervous collapse, then I did have one. I would beg him, crying, to get the girls out of the house so I could sleep, uninterrupted. He'd say OK, but do things like open the bedroom door in the morning at 7:30, when the girls had been awake for an hour while I was still sleeping, and say, "You can't sleep all day you know." I started to feel like maybe he was actually a psychopath, and he was torturing me on purpose. Months went by, and he didn't help. It broke us. I told him later that I felt like he betrayed me, almost as though he'd had an affair. 

It was not possible for me to do something like just go away for a weekend, because the younger one can't handle it. I know people will say I should have anyway, but you don't know her. I can't leave him with the kids, because he does things that are too unsafe (we're talking leave them alone in a swimming pool unsafe). 

And that leads me to the other issue. I feel like the only adult in the relationship. H thinks about himself first (and only I sometimes think). I do all of the long-term financial planning, I plan our travel, I think and talk about goals and the future, and he'll listen, but not contribute. He doesn't play with our kids. He doesn't discipline them. I don't want our kids to grow up with a disinterested father (his own was an alcoholic, which I know explains his behavior), so I work hard to get him to do things with them. This feels like one more burden for me, that I have to supply the initiative for him to interact with the kids. I've also tried reading the books and distilling the info for him, telling him what I'm having success with, but he won't adopt it too. 

The complicating issue is that he's just been diagnosed with dyslexia, auditory processing disorder, short-term memory problems, coordination issues, general processing disorder, and I don't even know what else yet. We'll know more tomorrow.

So, that kind of explains why things are the way they are. Long term planning, finances (like, to re-fi or not to re-fi) are far more work for him than they are for me. Even learning to discipline or to remember that he is supposed to take the kids to breakfast in the morning so I can sleep are difficult.

Ok, so we're at a crossroads. Now I know why he's been this way. It's not because he's a psychopath who enjoys torturing me. It's because he has legit issues that make this hard, but also because he'd rather lie to himself than admit that it's hard. Now he's going to learn how to deal with these issues, and I think there's a chance he could do it successfully. Things might really get better.

Except I feel done. Utterly spent. I don't want to be with him any more, and would walk away instead of forcing myself to try fall back in love with him if we didn't have kids. But, we do have kids. I want to try for their sake.

This is long, I'm sorry. I'd love all your thoughts, or virtual hugs. Do be gentle with me, because I'm barely holding it together. If there's anyone out there who has felt as done and ready to go as me, but has still found their way back to a loving marriage, I'd love to hear your stories. Also if there's anyone who has dealt with a spouse with learning disabilities that interfere with their ability to communicate, I'd love to hear how you overcame that.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I've read your previous threads and I have only sympathy and enormous respect for you. I say this as another mother of bad sleepers/highly attached kids. But my husband is supportive, understanding and trustworthy, I don't know how you're still functioning.

I think I would try to leave and have him get fairly limited access to your children, due to his lack of involvement and poor supervision. Is that on record somewhere?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Lyris said:


> I've read your previous threads and I have only sympathy and enormous respect for you. I say this as another mother of bad sleepers/highly attached kids. But my husband is supportive, understanding and trustworthy, I don't know how you're still functioning.
> 
> I think I would try to leave and have him get fairly limited access to your children, due to his lack of involvement and poor supervision. Is that on record somewhere?


Thank you so much for that compliment Lyris. You've almost made me cry. Gosh, if he even said that kind of thing, I'd be so happy.

The poor supervision is on record, it's one of the things that prompted the neurologist to evaluate for dementia. It's just that I can't imagine breaking up the family. The littler one has a lot of issues with her father. She hold grudges and has noticed that he doesn't pay her much attention. But the bigger one just adores him, and she's such a wonderful child I can't do that to her. On top of that, we've just put them through a big move. I could see myself divorcing in a year or two, but I'd rather not give them major life change after major life change. 

I've been trying to pray myself into turning my feelings around. But I realize that even if I did have a turn-around, it'd only be a matter of time until we're right back here. Unless he changes.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I am sorry to hear about your problems.

We have dyslexics among our relatives and my wife is a specialist teacher for dyslexic children so I have a little idea how it must be and a lot of sympathy for you and for your husband. I am not dyslexic myself but, seeing others who are, I get the impression that they feel that they do not quite fit into the world as it is nowadays so it must be very difficult for them (probably easier before we had invented writing).

As you are probably aware it is possible to help dyslexics up to a point once they have been diagnosed though this is generally done at a much earlier age. So there may be some hope there. I cannot hold out the hope of a miracle cure, though. 

Best wishes


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Staying married for the kids sake is not a reason to stay married. It's great that your older child is attached to your husband. They can still be close, but you are exposing your kids to an unhealthy relationship and they are learning, at a very young age, that wrong is right and right is wrong. Your very attached kid might grow up to treat people just like your husband. Kids are tough and even though you just moved, the important constant in their life is you, and that won't change. Moving again is not a reason to not get separated. 

Your husband has major issues. They would be major if he was your kid, so he's your third kid, but all grown up and more difficult to control. He doesn't sound like your friend, but a combative teenager. It's a handful for anyone to take on.

I think, for your sake and your kids sake, you need to seriously consider moving on sooner rather than later. It would take a great miracle to change him, and unless you can change and accept and be at peace with all of this, you need to do what is best for you and the kids and that is to not be exposed to such dysfunction.

He's the guy who left little kids in a pool to go play basketball with his friends, right? You're the only adult in this relationship and it is very unsafe and unhealthy.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I can't comment on your husband's physical conditions because I'm not familiar enough with things like that to venture even an opinion. But one thing about your post caught my eye... 

"It was not possible for me to do something like just go away for a weekend, because the younger one can't handle it. I know people will say I should have anyway, but you don't know her. "

You're right. I don't know her. But what I do know is that you claim you feel like the only adult, so step up and take charge of your toddler instead of letting HER control you. When that attachment hurts you so badly that you're seeing yourself drained, it's unfair to blame your husband if YOU don't place appropriate limits.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I understand that you don't want to break up your marriage; you just need your husband to make BIG changes.

I encourage you to approach him as a person with a treatable illness. This means visiting doctors for all of his problems & following through on treatments. Give it some time. I know it's very hard to co-parent with someone who doesn't parent very well but if you are single, you will be doing all of it yourself anyway if he can't really be trusted to parent properly.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I understand that you don't want to break up your marriage; you just need your husband to make BIG changes.
> 
> I encourage you to approach him as a person with a treatable illness. This means visiting doctors for all of his problems & following through on treatments. Give it some time. I know it's very hard to co-parent with someone who doesn't parent very well but if you are single, you will be doing all of it yourself anyway if he can't really be trusted to parent properly.


I like this answer.

You need to set him down, acknowledge his issues and tell him that if he refuses to make a full out effort to medically make himself better the marriage cannot continue. There are things he can do to get better and he has an obligation as a husband and father and he has to step up to the plate. If he won't then a trial separation may spur him on.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> But what I do know is that you claim you feel like the only adult, so step up and take charge of your toddler instead of letting HER control you. When that attachment hurts you so badly that you're seeing yourself drained, it's unfair to blame your husband if YOU don't place appropriate limits.


I wish it was so simple, but when the sitters are calling me telling me to come home because she's crying and throwing up, what am I supposed to do? Tell them to suck it up? It's awfully hard to get someone to sign up for a weekend of no sleep and hysteria so I can get away. And yes, I've talked to her pediatrician and had her evaluated for sensory processing and behavior disorders. She's made great progress over the past year, and I actually left her with my parents overnight in June. But we're overseas now, and there's no one here who can watch her. I certainly don't trust my husband to. Once we're back home, she'll be 5 and be ok with it. But at 3, it just wasn't going to be worth it.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I understand that you don't want to break up your marriage; you just need your husband to make BIG changes.
> 
> I encourage you to approach him as a person with a treatable illness. This means visiting doctors for all of his problems & following through on treatments. Give it some time. I know it's very hard to co-parent with someone who doesn't parent very well but if you are single, you will be doing all of it yourself anyway if he can't really be trusted to parent properly.


You're totally right. We're going together tomorrow to meet with the neuropsychologist, hopefully that'll be the beginning of him learning coping techniques. I am going to ask for a recommendation for a marriage counselor that has experience with these kinds of issues, too. I mean, I think we'll need someone like a marriage counselor to work on the lying issues, right?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You sound exhausted. Is there anyone nearby who can help out a little, just by watching the kids while you catch up on sleep? Can you ask anyone in your family to come stay with you to help out for a week? Or, can you hire a babysitter to watch them during the day while you rest ( just for a few days)?

Obviously, just a little rest won't solve your problems entirely, but it might help you counter some of the burnout and fatigue do that things are bearable.

Do you have friends or other outlets for feeling recharged sometimes? I'm sorry that your husband is in need of a caretaker himself and can't be more help to you at this time.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

moxy said:


> You sound exhausted. Is there anyone nearby who can help out a little, just by watching the kids while you catch up on sleep? Can you ask anyone in your family to come stay with you to help out for a week? Or, can you hire a babysitter to watch them during the day while you rest ( just for a few days)?


I am exhausted. There are some other sources of stress going on in life right now, and I'm anemic on top of it. School starts up again tomorrow so I'll have 2 hours a day, but I work then. I've been getting more rest overall lately, but the stress is just so draining. We're overseas for a few more months, and there's no one here that we know very well except H's parents, who are not physically capable of watching them. There's a lovely woman across the hall from us with 2 boys my girls' ages, and she watched them for an hour once, but it ended badly... she tried to put the little one's hair up in a pony tail, and she freaked out. The neighbor brought her back screaming hysterically. I always hesitate to subject people to babysitting for her, it tends to end like that.

We'll be home to the US in 3 months though, and my brother and his wife have offered to take the girls for at least a weekend. They'll take the big one for as long as I want, it's the little one they won't do for more than a weekend. I'm going to take them up on that and treat myself to a nice spa weekend then. I've been trying to treat myself better here, too, and do things like bubble baths at night. I've slacked, but I'm going to go back to making that a priority. In fact, my neck is sore, I should take one right now.


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## Intheabyss (Jan 3, 2013)

Northern lights,

I know you are exhausted. I'm sorry you're going through this. I imagine you are at your wits end. Being where I am I think the greatest help I've received was from my cousin who told me that I deserve to find happiness. Everyone else has been counseling me to stay and make it work at all costs. And I have so much pressure to make it work. Yet me heart is dead. But my cousin told me that I deserve to be happy, whatever that means and it was ok to leave the marriage. That was the first time anyone said that to me and I really appreciated hearing it. So, please try to consider what would make you happy. If it is to be on your own for a while, remove the guilt and go in search of happiness. If you want to stay and make it work, remember to find happiness in it. If you can't find happiness, search for it. But never doubt for a minute the fact that you are strong and a wonderful mother. Celebrate that and celebrate yourself.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Update: We saw the neuropsychologist today. She said she her best guess is that it's dyslexia and an auditory processing disorder, and that he's had them since birth. She does not think it's the beginning of dementia, but as the testing offers just a snapshot, she wants him to repeat it in one year. If there's no decline, that'll clinch the dyslexia/auditory processing diagnosis. We still have to confirm this with the neurologist, and I'm worried that his coordination was really bad and his dad's first symptom is ataxia, but hopefully the neurologist will ease my mind there. Dementia would be so horribly awful, because if it were that, the kids would be at risk too. So I'm going ahead and putting my trust in her professional instincts so I can drop that fear.

The bad news is, he scored really well on the attention and concentration categories (so, definitely not ADD). That's bad because she said there's no cognitive reason he would be such an unsafe parent. She said she suspects that's a maturity issue, and that we should see a marriage or family counselor. She also said that while his dyslexia and auditory processing disorder make communication difficult, they don't make it impossible for him to understand me and they don't account for our relationship problems (I think I probably overshared with her a little bit... she was so kind though, and she spoke English so well!). She gave us a recommendation for a marriage counselor too.

Even if it was still very early dementia, his cognitive profile now says he is capable of giving me more. So that answers that. He's just NOT doing it. Maybe he's not doing it because he was raised by an alcoholic father and a self-absorbed mother, and I understand that's a lot to overcome. But he hasn't made any effort. I see husbands on here who find out that their wives are unhappy, and they read all the books and really turn themselves around. And I see my husband, who won't even bother to read one of the books or even buy me a present. It's like, I couldn't make this easier for him, but he won't give me _anything_.

I'm going home. I didn't want to write about it on a public forum, but I relied on him to do my visa paperwork (I thought he just wasn't stepping up, and if I backed off, he'd step forward. I know, profoundly stupid. I was influenced by the surrendered wife BS). Now I'm getting kicked out of the country. That was the other big source of stress over the holidays that I alluded to. But there's a possible silver lining--he's going to stay longer, and we'll get a convenient separation that won't be upsetting for the kids. Ugh you guys, keep me in your prayers!


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