# Couples Counseling Exercises?



## DoneAndDoner (Jan 27, 2018)

Hi,

Does anyone have any couples counseling advice or exercises/activities they can share?

My husband and I are making one last attempt to say we did everything to save the marriage. (There's no saving it, really. This is almost a formality at this point, but at least we can say we tried.)

Someone recommend making a list of the 5 most important things to me for the relationship to be successful, and having him do the same, then sharing the list to see if it's possible if we could make it work.

My husband refuses to go to counseling, and I have just been cut off of my own by my insurance. So I'm hoping that someone who has been given these activities to work on can share a thought or two. Thanks.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

DoneAndDoner said:


> Hi,
> 
> Does anyone have any couples counseling advice or exercises/activities they can share?
> 
> ...


what you need is not couples counseling exercises... what you need is advice from people who have escaped abusive relationships. you have already done everything you could to save your marriage... your husband is abusive. that isn't something you can fix by trying communication or bond strengthening exercises! 

your husband wont even go to counseling. he is not likely to change anything until he realizes that his behavior has consequences.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

DoneAndDoner said:


> My husband and I are making one last attempt to say we did everything to save the marriage.
> 
> ....My husband refuses to go to counseling


The above seems like a contradiction. 

I believe you can't do couples counselling from a book without a counsellor. Not for something this difficult. (But then I would say that wouldn't I, as I am a couple counsellor.) (Legal disclaimer: "...but not functioning as one in this environment"). 

What reason does he state for not wanting counselling? Does he express remorse for previous violence and a determination to change? If not, a counsellor might well consider it unsafe to do couples counselling, because the emotional things it brings out can destabilise a fragile peace. In which case they might well recommend him to attend a perpetrators group. Your main concern has to be with keeping the children and yourself safe.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

DoneAndDoner said:


> Hi,
> 
> Does anyone have any couples counseling advice or exercises/activities they can share?
> 
> ...


This is just my opinion, but without a counselor to "referee" your exercise results, its just going to be a free for all between the two of you when you attempt to discuss things.

IMO, that makes any work you do moot, unless you are both so mature and respectful that you simply know you'd be able to communicate AND actively listen to each other, WITHOUT guidance/observation.

The fact he refuses counseling says he's really not open to behaving that way, or being called on his behavior.

So IF you have misgivings about his attitude and willingness to really LISTEN and be able to process CRITICISM during this attempt, I'd just stick a fork in it and be done. You can't say you tried everything if he's not willing to try the most BASIC and common of solutions out there (MC).

JMO


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Your husband doesn't want to do it. You don't think it will be successful. Why are you bothering? Why are you wasting your time?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

There is nothing wrong with trying. It helps lessen the pain. That is what counts.

Mary asked me once if she should stop talking to our daughter, because I’m not very religious, and Mary worried I might think it was wasted effort.

I could only hold Mary and reassure her that I think it’s good. Just because I don’t do it does not mean I think it’s a waste of effort. Mary needs to keep it up for the both of us. We all grieve differently.

This is only loosely applicable, but anything you do to help you deal with your grief in this time of loss is good to do.


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