# Betrayed after divorce ?....



## Alan_

Hi everyone, been a while. My divorce was final 10 days ago. Wife decided she wanted out after 20 years. For those who don't know, just 5 short months ago my wife decided she wanted out. After a circus of me trying to reconcile and her really having no part and having made her mind up before I even realized there was a problem, we finally finished it. I had to agree to general and personal indignities. To top it off I was blindsided when her lawyer asker her if I had caused mental abuse for many years and she said yes. I only agreed to the whole indignities part because there has to be fault and there was no irreconcilable differences. Her lawyer said it was the most common and least hard to prove reason and I relented. I give her the house and 1 year to refinance with all the equity and she left my 401 k which was close to the value. We'll 10 days later I pass her car at what I am pretty sure now is her boyfriends house. I have pretty good and reliable info that she was dating before the divorce and maybe longer. Do I have any recourse or am I going to have to lump it and move on? I can't even get my daughter to text back after asking if she knew about it. Been trying to help both kids( one started college and stays with me several nights a week) the other is 26 and has her own life but been helping with her bills or lending vehicles...I'm about to loose my mind and need a voice of reason. I had been posting on the dealing with divorce page but since done felt I should move over here. Please advise or words of incourragement. Thanks
Alan


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## Nikita2270

> Do I have any recourse or am I going to have to lump it and move on? I can't even get my daughter to text back after asking if she knew about it.


Lump it and move on. You're divorced.

And for eff sake, leave your kids out of it. Why would you ask your daughter such a question? I have a major beef with people who involve their kids in their divorce drama. They have enough to deal with and don't need to be called into being disloyal to either parent.

Its over...get your own life and move on. Hopefully your ex wife finds some happiness but regardless, work on finding your own.


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## Alan_

I know your right Nikita but after 20 years of providing for the families every need, I feel like I need to know the whole truth. I want nothing more than to be involved in both kids lives but the thought of being a doormat is causing me massive grief and discontent.


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## the guy

Help your kids...after all no matter how old they are they are just kids.Their mom left you and when they want to know the truth they will ask.....it may take another 20 years.

But until then it may not be worth the battle.....just focus on winning the war by living a better life and healthier life then you had with your ex!


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## Nikita2270

> I know your right Nikita but after 20 years of providing for the families every need, I feel like I need to know the whole truth. I want nothing more than to be involved in both kids lives but the thought of being a doormat is causing me massive grief and discontent.


Alan: I was married for as long as you were so I'm certainly sympathetic.

My comments are not only in the best interest of your children, which should be your primary concern but also in your own best interest.

One thing you have to understand about divorce is that its a recognition of the fact that you're never really going to get closure in the way that you want. You'll never get her concession on that last argument. You'll never get understanding about your contributions and who did what to who. You'll never get an agreement on anything that you disagreed on. The closure is the divorce itself.

The trick with dealing with divorce in a healthy manner is to accept the finality of it and move forward to the next chapter of your life. Her dating life isn't any of your business...period. And whatever she does now is none of your concern. What happened in marriage is water under the bridge...you're not married anymore.

Leave your kids alone...this is really important. Don't risk your relationship with your kids by asking them to invade your ex-wife's privacy and betray her. That's will not be good for you because they will resent what you're doing.

Happiness is a choice that you can have whenever you decide to leave the past behind you and live a healthy life with new interests. Use your past relationship as a learning experience. Use it to figure out what you don't want and do want in your next relationship. Your ex-wife is with someone else and she's his problem now.


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## PBear

Does the state you're in recognize infidelity as a cause, and would it make a difference to your situation? I suspect since your divorce is final, getting proof would be difficult, the fight would be expensive, and any gain you'd make would simply be handed over to the lawyers. If you can, let it go.

C


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## Alan_

I know everyone. I keep making one mistake after another. I'm sorry. Il try harder. I regret bringing it up.


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## Nikita2270

Alan_ said:


> I know everyone. I keep making one mistake after another. I'm sorry. Il try harder. I regret bringing it up.


Finding your way after divorce is a journey and it takes time. Apologize to your daughter and be patient with yourself. You'll figure it out. Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon

Ask your lawyer.

If it's an at fault state you may save yourself a boatload of money (you would entitled to it and actually deserve it).


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## EnjoliWoman

Don't regret bringing this up. That's what we're here for - and yes we may smack you around a little if you need it. 

So - totally d*ck move with the kids. Even if they knew (assuming there was an affair) they really shouldn't be in the middle of this. Kids of all ages want to love BOTH parents. My good friend was in her 30s when her Dad asked her to testify about Mom hiding funds (which she only knew about an inheritance) and she had a panic attack and couldn't go through with it. She hated being pushed by her Dad, knew that she'd screw up her relationships with her Mom - it was a lose-lose proposition for her. Don't do that to the kids. Don't speak of the divorce at ALL unless they ask and even then keep it minimal. Unless your wife lied to them and said you took all of the money or something, there's no need.

Smacking done. (ETA - remember you'll want them to have BOTH of you at their weddings, graduations, birth of grandchildren, etc. - don't make it hard for them. Some time and distance will help and you don't have to be friendly, just polite.)

Let it be. Even if you go back to court to adjust the equitable distribution, will the change in property division (which won't be 100/0, but could change from 50/50 to 65/35 or whatever) be enough to cover your legal fees AND net more than 20K? Put a dollar amount on your time and emotions. It will be draining, it will put the focus on something negative and hurtful for an extended period of time and may not net much. Now, if she was a SAHM and you supported her all of those years, that could be huge. But if she worked during that time, she contributed to the assets. Let's say 40% was her income, 60% was yours and you divided assets 50/50 - even if you 'won' your share back, that means you get the other 10% back - the difference between 50% and the 40% she contributed. So talk to your attorney, decide what the odds are of winning, what the cost will be (and if you can make her absorb it) before determining if it's worth while.

What are your reasons? Obviously you hated having to assume the 'guilty' role for the divorce and feel it is a reflection of your character and an inaccurate one at that. Is it to clear your name? (Does anyone other than you really care?) Is it to get back at her for making you accept responsibility when it was actually her doing? Or is it to get your fair share of money back? Don't let your emotions make this decision - it's purely a logic/financial thing.

Might be worth it, might not. But it will take it's toll.

Even if you do, try to find a lot of positives in life. You seem angry. I don't blame you at all! But you will have to find a way to let it go and move on. My mantra? "The best revenge is living well". I think pep in your step, whistle when you walk, head held high and shutting that door/opening a window (any more cliches? haha) is what you need to do. 

The usual recommendations of exercise, hobbies, activities that involve other people, do things you always wanted to but couldn't or didn't, get a dog, volunteer your time to something important to you... all of those are positive changes that will divert your attention and energy to more positive things.


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## COguy

Alan_ said:


> I know everyone. I keep making one mistake after another. I'm sorry. Il try harder. I regret bringing it up.


I'm going to cut you some slack since you're still dealing with a lot of grief over losing a 20 year marriage. That's fine and normal and to be expected.

But seriously, you sound like a beaten puppy playing the world's smallest violin.

Step 1 on your road to recovery: Find your nut sack.

Accept that your marriage is over, the closure is your divorce decree. Stop trying to find answers or worrying about the details, they don't matter. It's not healthy to spend your time thinking about things you can't control or change. Focus on what you can control: your attitude, your emotional and mental health, recovering from this, building your new life.


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## SamuraiJack

Maybe "not the best move" with your daughter.
Tends to create divided loyalties.

I would say text her back and say you apologize and its not your place to put her in a spot.

Then just move on...

I feel the frustration and the helplessness. I lived it too.
It’s like someone came up behind you and poured a big pot of “I hate you. I’m divorcing you” soup all over you.
It’s going to sting for a long while…but it will get better.
Concentrate on everything that is NOT related to your wife, like kids and hobbies and working on your house.
Someday you will wake up and realize that she was just a passing moment in time and that better ones are coming.

Although this is counterintuitive, try not to make what she did all about you. People do effed up things for effed up reasons that often have nothing to do with you.
Many times I see people acting out patterns to their logical conclusion that don’t look anything even remotely logical to the people who don’t have inside information.

You don’t have to shoulder another person’s actions.


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## dajam

Alan,

My D was after 29 years and I married the 3rd girl I ever dated. I get the difficulty you feel at this time. I have been out of this for almost two years now and sometimes I am great and sometimes I miss being married. However moving forward as other have advised is the best thing ever. Although it has its challenges, it will get better, and IMHO it will...Just some time, focus and involvement in your hobbies and life and of course supportive people.

I am on this site because "we" are all living similar scenarios and are willing to assist.

Never feel bad about reaching out it is part of the healing process. If you did nothing wrong then you did nothing wrong.


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## SamuraiJack

dajam said:


> Alan,
> 
> My D was after 29 years and I married the 3rd girl I ever dated. I get the difficulty you feel at this time. I have been out of this for almost two years now and sometimes I am great and sometimes I miss being married. However moving forward as other have advised is the best thing ever. Although it has its challenges, it will get better, and IMHO it will...Just some time, focus and involvement in your hobbies and life and of course supportive people.
> 
> I am on this site because "we" are all living similar scenarios and are willing to assist.
> 
> Never feel bad about reaching out it is part of the healing process. If you did nothing wrong then you did nothing wrong.


Very true. I am only recently out of this forrest myself...but I remember ythe way out and the woods dont seem so scary.
Follow our blaze marks and emerge unscathed.


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## Wolf1974

I think you already know the truth Alan. If it was a stable marriage then one day she decides she wants out then it's cause of someone else. Had same thing happen so I can empathize.

The best revenges is to live well. Her relationship likely won't last so don't worry about that. Make a new gameplan on life and execute it. Your life is now yours and yours alone. Go live it on your terms and be happy.


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## Alan_

I know everyone is right and I did text my daughter, and call and apologized. She seems to understand and is nothing but supportive. It is difficult to say the least and I do wish I had some vindication. I feel it will come eventually and I know it's not important. Everyone has said for months to do things I enjoy and couldn't do before but I guess for 20 years all I did was take care of family. I had plenty of fun but guess my priority was always them. May have been some of the problem, I don't know. I thought after divorce was final it would get easier. I'll move on but find myself getting more bitter by the hour and can't seem to stop it. I'll try harder. Thanks all.


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## commonsenseisn't

Alan

Two decades ago my ex wife did exactly the same thing to me for the same reasons. It was excruciating for a very long time for me. Years later I learned about her affair, which was a bit of a relief to me because I could finally put the cause/effect puzzle together and conclude I wasn't as bad as I had thought. I know exactly what you are feeling and I'm sorry. 

I languished for many years in agony and somehow finally worked through it. In spite of my wonderful current marriage I still feel very upset about ex wife if I allow myself to think about her. I wish I had gotten some professional counseling many years ago. My point is I made all the mistakes in the healing process a guy can make and I still came out ok. You will too. Get some help.

My ex wife rode off into the sunset with her affair partner, got married, had kids, successful career, marriage thrived, all the good stuff. No karma bus hit her. Yet. No vindication for me. Yet. But I have come to know that she sold her soul to do it and it's not over till it's over. I somehow know beyond a doubt that it will end very badly for my ex because of what she did to me. Maybe not in this life, but... it's inevitable. 

It's most ironic that when my ex eventually gets her just reward I will take no pleasure in my vindication. On the contrary, I will sorrow for her loss and misery. Why? Because I'm a better man. My journey brought me growth that I never knew I was capable of. Yours will too, though neither of us wants it. You'll be ok, it just takes time. Distractions and casual recreation helps. Good luck.


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## Paradise

Alan, my ex had an affair and was married within a year and appears to be very happy and living a very successful life. I heard from everyone that "it won't last" and "the karma bus will strike" and on and on. Point is, I kind of struggled with the whole thing and was waiting for the other shoe to drop...Don't do that! 

Set some goals, have some fun, and enjoy life. I found that my marriage was just one chapter in my life and things change. You get a chance to be whatever you want to be from here on out. This time you get to focus on you! How awesome is that? Don't waste energy on someone who doesn't deserve it...


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## dajam

Paradise said:


> Set some goals, have some fun, and enjoy life. I found that my marriage was just one chapter in my life and things change. You get a chance to be whatever you want to be from here on out. This time you get to focus on you! How awesome is that? Don't waste energy on someone who doesn't deserve it...


I totally agree... This is solid and I am prescribing to this as we speak. It is hard and challenging however word to the wise, do not submerge yourself in work. I have and it makes things worse. Although I earned a huge raise and promotion but it is not worth it. Get out and about, do the things you like. Take the advice and run with it.


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## EnjoliWoman

Alan_ said:


> I know everyone is right and I did text my daughter, and call and apologized. She seems to understand and is nothing but supportive. It is difficult to say the least and I do wish I had some vindication. I feel it will come eventually and I know it's not important. Everyone has said for months to do things I enjoy and couldn't do before but I guess for 20 years all I did was take care of family. I had plenty of fun but guess my priority was always them. May have been some of the problem, I don't know. I thought after divorce was final it would get easier. I'll move on but find myself getting more bitter by the hour and can't seem to stop it. I'll try harder. Thanks all.


Bitterness will eat you up inside. Don't let it.

My ex was verbally and physically abusive (and now I know it was because he's a narcissist - no hope/cure for that) but when I finally left I decided to not be jaded or bitter. I learned a lot of things about myself, the world, other people and life in general. I figured if I let him make me bitter or jaded, somehow he 'wins'. I won't let that happen. I know there are tons of great men out there - I just haven't met the one for me, yet.

This really is a period of self discovery. Before I was married I really enjoyed playing the piano, sewing and baking with Mom and I liked helping Dad do stuff around the house. Since my marriage was all about him, I lost myself. I tried to revert to who I was back then at 20 and I learned you cant. I'm a different person now and found I really wasn't as into piano as I was back then although I still enjoyed sewing things for the house, baking (had to back that up or I'd be 300lbs) and DIY stuff so I did something I always wanted to - volunteer at several Habitat for Humanity houses. I really enjoyed it. When the weather is more tolerable I might sign up for another.

Start surfing the internet and just keep reading up on things you enjoy and see if there is a way to incorporate some new activities in your life. If it wasn't as fun as you imagined, go to the next! Maybe you always wanted to have a model train room, or to build a canoe. If you enjoy fishing, maybe you could volunteer with a boyscout troop and help teach them. If you want to share some of your interests here, maybe we can figure out a way to make it happen.

Just keep reminding yourself you are a better man than that (than a bitter one) and that she will probably live to regret her decision and commit yourself to embracing a new life with the attitude that the next 20 years will be better than the last 20.


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## SamuraiJack

Well Alan,
I can tell you that my breakup was very similar to yours. Only now am I realizing that she probably was having at least an emotional affair during the last year of our marriage. Looking back now I can see all the classic signals. The ILYBINILWY, secretive about her phone, sudden changes in dress, makeup and hitting the gym with a personal trainer to the tune of 240 a week. She actually had me convinced that she would wear thigh highs for herself. Sudden weight loss and trying to quit smoking. Staying up late on her computer playing World of Warcraft. Lots of chatting.
Always minimizing her email or some other thing.
Even as I sit here typing this, more things are falling into place. Certain reactions, new changes in behavior. Friends suddenly manifesting that hadn’t ever been mentioned in the previous 15 years.


Does it make it hurt more? Yes.
Does it make her lover leaving her high and dry all the more poignant? Hell yes!

Before, when he left her it was a nice dish of ice cream to see….now it’s a full blown Sundae!!! 


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## Paradise

dajam said:


> I totally agree... This is solid and I am prescribing to this as we speak. It is hard and challenging however *word to the wise, do not submerge yourself in work*. I have and it makes things worse. Although I earned a huge raise and promotion but it is not worth it. Get out and about, do the things you like. Take the advice and run with it.


This I am COMPLETELY guilty of!!! Granted, I changed jobs and had to really rebuild a program that was completely outdated. It was positive in that it gave me something to hang my hat on for a while but I should have been taking some time to care for myself at the time rather than pushing so hard to rebuild my career. I'm now dealing with the after-effects...Borderline being burned out and the issues I buried under the run have started to stink a bit and need to be cleaned up once an for all. This is good advice.....Now, end threadjack and back to the original programming.


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## dajam

Paradise said:


> This I am COMPLETELY guilty of!!! Granted, I changed jobs and had to really rebuild a program that was completely outdated. It was positive in that it gave me something to hang my hat on for a while but I should have been taking some time to care for myself at the time rather than pushing so hard to rebuild my career. I'm now dealing with the after-effects...Borderline being burned out and the issues I buried under the run have started to stink a bit and need to be cleaned up once an for all. This is good advice.....Now, end threadjack and back to the original programming.


I can not say I like this .. Sorry.. Paradise.. not for the post but the situation... I get that it does not bode well for moving forward. 

Alan, here is reinforcement for not taking this particular avenue which seems almost easier to take as we deal with the mental anxiety.


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