# IS this normal for a marriage counsellor



## Slugcat

we started seeing a counsellor.
What concerned me was in the first session the counsellor told us general stuff about his own upbringing. Like how many siblings he has, his childhood religon, how his mother wanted a daughter rather than a son.

this was when he was asking us about our backgrounds. he told us about his. His upbringing is very similar to my husbands and very different from mine.

he then said in the first session when listening to my husbands complaints that my behaviour sounded sadistic. (i found this to be really a harsh word and it really scared me because i dont want to be sadistic). he didnt say 'your behaviour is sadistic' but was commenting on what my husband was saying and said 'that sounds a bit sadistic'.

the second session he agreed with my husband on some political views. and expressed his views on how a political ideaology is flawed. How some people with this ideaology did something he doesnt agree with and what are they thinking, they dont realise this and that etc.
My husband has similar views to the therapists and i have the opposite and i have friends with the ideaology that he was viewing his disagreeing opinion on. I am sympathetic to that polictical ideaology and I found it uncomfortable to listen to the therapists disagreement views about it.

me and husband had an argument that night about said political ideaology. 

So I am the odd one out, the therapist and my husband share a lot of simialr things, background, childhood religon, and now it seems similar views on some political ideas.

I am not comfortable there and i dont like this therapist. my husband thinks i am over reacting and that seems to think its ok for a therapist to self disclose so much and that maybe hes taking his side on things to be helpful.

I have been in therapy before and I know less about my personal therapist after 8 years of therapy than i know about this marriage therapist in a few sessions.

Is this normal?


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## 827Aug

The bottom line here is that you aren't comfortable with this counselor. Both parties need to feel comfortable. It's best that you find a counselor where both of you are comfortable communicating. A good therapist should keep their personal views out of the martial feud. They should at least appear to have an unbiased opinion.


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## Slugcat

Hi Thank you
I also think a good counsellor and a good marriage counsellor would keep their own biases and judgements about groups of people to themselves. like what good does that do? My husband thinks he is doing it to help my husband. And husband got upset like I am being mean because I want to take away someone who he gets along with or something.


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## Affaircare

When a couple goes to a marriage counselor, the client is the MARRIAGE...not the husband and not the wife. In this instance it's hard to tell if the counselor was sharing his own background etc. as a technique to make your husband feel comfortable or some other reason. However, it does sound like he might be a better fit for your husband to do some individual counseling rather than for you two as a couple.

I would say if you are not comfortable there you clearly will not be comfortable doing marriage counseling with him, but you may want to ask for an individual session and tell him you're uncomfortable and why.


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## Slugcat

Well I spoke to 2 other qualified marriage counsellors and they both said it was not usual practise to do what this bad counsellor is doing. I spoke to a friend who is trained in counselling and she told me to run for the hills, that it sounds like this counsellor is using the sessions for himself.


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## greeneyeddolphin

When my ex and I went to counseling, she never shared any of her personal information with us. The most personal she got was to share her training with us - where she went to school, etc. I would suppose it could be a method of trying to identify with you and make you more comfortable and clearly it didn't work with you. Also, I think any counselor is going to have a more similar background to one or the other of you; that's just a given. But even so, they should still work hard to be impartial, and if they can't be impartial, they should say so and refer you to another therapist, which he has not done. 

I definitely agree that you should find another therapist for the couples counseling, and tell your husband if he wishes to continue to see this guy for individual counseling, fine, but that for couples counseling he's just not going to be effective.


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## the last straw

the behavior you are describing is UNPROFESSIONAL. he is setting up a quiet alliance with your husband. he is inappropriately sharing his personal details and opinions whereas he ought to be a mirror for the two of you. that is what you are paying him for.
i would confront him and see his reaction and listen to his agenda. if what he says does not make sense to you I would share how you feel with you husband and see if he supports your need to find another therapist who is objective and does not take sides... if your husband fights your need to move to someone you feel more comfortable with or supports you, you will have learned a valuable lesson. and see if you are assertive enough to state your feeling, needs and do so simply and calmly without getting upset or sidetracked. that is true assertiveness and maturity.
not to mean that it's easy for me or anyone and i encourage you to be true to yourself and strong.


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## Corpuswife

As a counselor you can choose (ethically) to share information that is beneficial to the client.

Anytime, the counselor does most of the talking about himself/herself.....run!


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## Blanca

Slugcat said:


> Well I spoke to 2 other qualified marriage counsellors and they both said it was not usual practise to do what this bad counsellor is doing. I spoke to a friend who is trained in counselling and she told me to run for the hills, that it sounds like this counsellor is using the sessions for himself.


Definitely run for the hills. I've had two different counselors do that. After one session I never went back.


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