# Heartbreaking Reconciliation



## Toosweet1

After being separated for 6months my husband and I are trying to reconcile. It is not easy. We only spend weekends together, during the week we stay at own places. 
We do go out on the weekends and try to have a good time. The past couple of weekends he has slept a lot , has been distant or just plain mean. I can't seem to say anything right.
I am thinking about taking a break. Giving him space. I ask him about taking this next weekend off and not spend it together. He was offended. He says I am over thinking. I just know he says very hurtful things and can be very disrespectful to me. I deserve better and I want him to enjoy being around me. 
Am I wrong to pull back? He doesn't want to talk about it when I point it out that he is being disrespectful or has hurt my feeling. He doesn't want to argue..who does? I don't like arguing either.
It breaks my heart that we can't seem to make each other happy. 
Any advice?


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## lenzi

You need a competent marriage counselor who will provide techniques and strategies to communicate more efficiently and/or give you the honest truth that you two are just too far gone to try to fix this thing.

Separation has it's place but it can't be done with no goal or plan, all that does is teach the couple how to live apart from each other. That might not be a good thing.


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## Toosweet1

Thanks Lenzi. I am looking into a counselor. He thinks we can do it without counseling.


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## Pepper123

I agree that you need a counselor. I've thought about R with my stbxh many times, but other people, including his mom, have said he is the same. Old habits die hard... You have not come to fully understand what got you here in the first place.


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## WaitForIt...

The bad thing about separation is that when you're apart you tend to forget the negatives, missing elements and problems in the marriage. Especially when the loneliness and missing of your spouse starts kicking in. You can end up in a sort of fog and romanticize the good times, parts of the relationship and your spouse. Sort of an "absence makes the heart grow fonder" situation which can result in rug sweeping the issues.

In these situations it can be very beneficial to create a couple of lists:
1. Pros/Cons of the spouse
2. Pros/Cons of the marriage

Read and edit regularly. Counseling, both IC and MC would benefit greatly as well.


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## cdbaker

I agree with Lenzi. A good MC could help you both figure out a good plan of attack here, and quickly identify poor attitudes and problems in a reconciliation. I would definitely agree that you should pull back unless he agrees to MC.

One book I might recommend is "Boundaries" or "Boundaries in Marriage" because I think that could help you. The problems you are identifying aught to be boundaries for you. It isn't about controlling your spouse or their behavior, it's about setting clear boundaries for what you will accept in your life and from your spouse. If he is emotionally abuse of otherwise saying very hurtful things to you, then you need to be able to say, "This is unacceptable for me and I have chosen not to take this treatment from anyone. Therefore I will choose to not be around you right now and further episodes will cause me to become increasingly distant." That makes your actions about you and your decisions, while his behaviors remain his own.

A few questions...

Why are you attempting a reconciliation? (I'm not suggestion you shouldn't be, I'm just curious if you have thought long and hard about the true reasons behind your desire for R) Why are you only seeing each other on the weekends but not during the week? What problems led to the separation in the first place? What kind of changes have you both agreed need to happen for a successful R?


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## Toosweet1

cdbaker said:


> I agree with Lenzi. A good MC could help you both figure out a good plan of attack here, and quickly identify poor attitudes and problems in a reconciliation. I would definitely agree that you should pull back unless he agrees to MC.
> 
> One book I might recommend is "Boundaries" or "Boundaries in Marriage" because I think that could help you. The problems you are identifying aught to be boundaries for you. It isn't about controlling your spouse or their behavior, it's about setting clear boundaries for what you will accept in your life and from your spouse. If he is emotionally abuse of otherwise saying very hurtful things to you, then you need to be able to say, "This is unacceptable for me and I have chosen not to take this treatment from anyone. Therefore I will choose to not be around you right now and further episodes will cause me to become increasingly distant." That makes your actions about you and your decisions, while his behaviors remain his own.
> 
> A few questions...
> 
> Why are you attempting a reconciliation? (I'm not suggestion you shouldn't be, I'm just curious if you have thought long and hard about the true reasons behind your desire for R) Why are you only seeing each other on the weekends but not during the week? What problems led to the separation in the first place? What kind of changes have you both agreed need to happen for a successful R?


Yes, I have thought long and hard about R. I went through divorce care at my church and R is a huge part of it. He left me. He said it was because I was controlling. He went to rehab in 2008 and our marriage was rocky since then. 
We separated December and we both have our own homes. He works long hours during the week so we just don't see each other during the week. We talk on the phone and if I wanted to see him during the week he would be fine with it. We are just taking it slow. I am not comfortable jumping back in without fixing issues that got us to this point.
I am working on ME.I do not expect to change him. 
We were married 24 years so i want to give it a fair shake before completely giving up. 
I hope I answered all of your questions.


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## daisygirl 41

Hi
Read up about the 180 and try to implement it as best you can. He needs to miss you. Tell him you've got plans next weekend and stick to it. Yes it'll put his nose out of joint, but so what! 

It difficult to reconcile living apart because every weekend you are trying to rebuild the bridges all over again. Do you see each other during the week? If not, then why?

I disagree about MC. It's not always necessary. My H and I are successfully reconciling without it. Maybe IC would be a help to you?

You need to pull back on the relationship talk. Only discuss it if he brings up the subject, don't txt, ring or email him first, let him do it and most importantly GAL! Get a life! Don't let any man think you are waiting for then. Trust me, it works!


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## lenzi

daisygirl 41 said:


> Hi
> Read up about the 180 and try to implement it as best you can. He needs to miss you.
> 
> Get a life! Don't let any man think you are waiting for then. Trust me, it works!


The 180 is not some sort of manipulative tool to "make your partner miss you". If the 180 "works" it means that the person implementing it has successfully moved on with their lives, not somehow manipulated their wayward partner into returning because they acted like they didn't care.


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## daisygirl 41

lenzi said:


> The 180 is not some sort of manipulative tool to "make your partner miss you". If the 180 "works" it means that the person implementing it has successfully moved on with their lives, not somehow manipulated their wayward partner into returning because they acted like they didn't care.


Please re read my post. Those were not my words!
I am fully aware of the reasons for implementing the 180. I am successfully reconciling with my H and my own mini 180 has played a big part in our success. 
Please read my thread before you jump to conclusions!


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## lenzi

daisygirl 41 said:


> Please re read my post. Those were not my words!


What do you mean "they were not your words".

They were in _your_ post.



daisygirl 41 said:


> Please read my thread before you jump to conclusions!


I generally conclude that when words and sentences are in someone's post right next to their user ID that that user ID actually composed them. Not really that much of a stretch.


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## daisygirl 41

Again, they were not my words.
I said 'he needs to miss you' . I did not say ' make your partner miss you' and in no way did I infer that she manipulate him. 

Anyway OP enough thread jacking, how are you getting on?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dewayne76

lenzi said:


> What do you mean "they were not your words".
> 
> They were in _your_ post.
> 
> 
> 
> I generally conclude that when words and sentences are in someone's post right next to their user ID that that user ID actually composed them. Not really that much of a stretch.


When you fail to understand what someone said, misquote them, then continue on with it you look bad. 

When you continue on with it, while being a smartazz, you look even worse. 

I see this a lot, actually. Especially in these forums (divorce forums) a lot of folks jump in after misinterpreting what someone' says. I suggest we all slow down and read carefully before we smart off with a response.

btw; to the op, not trying to play devil's advocate or anything (know the phrase, not much what it means lol) but, I have to ask. Was/ is your husband on any kind of ssri/snri class of antidepressants by chance? A lot of folks seem to have this issue and it can change people drastically. Being rude, saying mean things, self centered etc. If so, may be something to learn about. I have loads of data, sites etc for you if you want.


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## lenzi

Dewayne76 said:


> When you fail to understand what someone said, misquote them, then continue on with it you look bad.


I wasn't going to respond further to this matter, but now I'm compelled to.

I didn't misquote.

It's clear from her post that she believes the 180 "works" as some sort of manipulative tool to change a person's behavior.



daisygirl 41 said:


> I said 'he needs to miss you' . I did not say ' make your partner miss you'


This is saying exactly that: It "works" if he starts to miss you. Doesn't matter if she "makes him miss her" or if he "misses her because of how she's acting". 

When I see such comments I feel compelled to set the record straight. 

The 180 is not designed to change another person's behavior, it's to help the person using it to move on with their own life.

It "works" if you are able to detach both physically and mentally and not care so much about them and the relationship that you are gradually leaving behind.


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## cdbaker

Toosweet1. I don't think you answered above, but what do you think were the causes that led to the separation in the first place? What kind of problems existed in the marriage before and what kind of steps have been taken to solve them in the interim?


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## daisygirl 41

Thank you cdbaker for articulating my point better than I could.
Lenzi to put it bluntly you are wrong and misunderstood my post. 

OP is it possible there is another woman in the picture?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dewayne76

daisygirls's quote: "he needs to miss you"

your misquote: "make your partner miss you" ..

when you quote like that, it is assumed you are quoting that person's words. You got that wrong. Plain and simple. interpretation of what was meant, is another story. 

Yes, I agree OP, is there a possibility of someone else? Don't be naive, 'think' about it. Is there anyone at all that they could be seeing or anything. A new friend, etc.


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## lenzi

Dewayne76 said:


> daisygirls's quote: "he needs to miss you"
> 
> your misquote: "make your partner miss you" ..


I didn't misquote her. 

I am suggesting that acting a certain way to induce a certain behavior in another person is manipulative, and to do the 180 in the hopes that your partner will miss you is not the purpose of the 180 (although it is sometimes a positive unintended "side effect").

I didn't misinterpret her either.

When she advises a poster to get busy and make other plans because "he needs to miss you", and "it works", that surely is advocating the 180 as a manipulative tool. 

Plain and simple.


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## doubletrouble

Wow it's amazing how threads get jacked by people "right fighting."


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## lenzi

cdbaker said:


> Right there. You used quotes referring to her statement, which implies that you are quoting her, except you changed the words within the quote. She never said the words, "make your partner miss you" therefore you did misquote her.


No, I did not misquote her, nor did I change her words. She said "he needs to miss you" and then she gave a few examples of how the woman should act to obtain such a response from her partner, following up with "it works". Whether it's written as "make him miss you" or "do certain things so he will miss you" - it makes no difference. The poster is advocating a particular action in order to achieve a certain effect on the relationship partner, and that is manipulative, especially when these actions are done for that particular person.

"IF" she had said, go out and get busy because you need to start thinking about yourself and less about him and start preparing for life without him because it's a healthy way to work through the grief of the failing relationship, and "it works", then I would be in complete agreement.

But she didn't, and I'm not. 




cdbaker said:


> Her "Trust me, it works!" at the very end of her post sure as heck seems to be more related to the statements made directly within that paragraph, "You need to pull back on the relationship talk. Only discuss it if he brings up the subject, don't txt, ring or email him first, let him do it and most importantly GAL! Get a life! Don't let any man think you are waiting for then."


Right, she said "it works" in regard to statements made about getting the husband interested in her once she started acting busy. I think we're in agreement here. 



cdbaker said:


> If you felt it was worth pointing out that the 180 should really be about focusing on yourself vs. hoping for change in your partner, which is a very worthwhile point to make, then just say that. All you needed to say was something like, "Daisy is right in that the 180 could lead your husband to reconsider this situation a little differently, but really the 180 should be focused on you and improving yourself, better preparing you for a better YOU with or without your husband."


Agreed. 



cdbaker said:


> Again, she isn't wrong, and whether you find it manipulative or not, there is merit to the 180 regardless of the outcome you are seeking.


I don't agree that there is merit to the 180 if it's done to seek an outcome that involves winning your wayward partner back by acting like you aren't interested in them. If you don't make positive changes in yourself, build independence, and really learn how to live without your partner and truly accept that your life will be just fine without them, then any effect on your partner will be temporary at best.


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## cdbaker

Sorry OP. I hope you update and let us know how your situation is going.

I am going to try to delete my posts unrelated to your issue, as they arent making a difference anyway.


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## daisygirl 41

And this my friends is the reason I hardly come to TAM anymore.
Lenzi - I'm impressed you have put so much time in analysing and pulling apart my post!! 
Meh!!

OP feel free to inbox me at any time. My H and I are 18 months into our reconciliation after his affair and our separation. We will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary next month.
I'm outta here
DG
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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