# I don't want sex, wish I did.



## Wifey7 (Jun 20, 2011)

My husband and I dated 3 yrs before getting married. We were both virgins when we got married. We did certainly engage in some foreplay before marrying from time to time. At first in our marriage, sex was progressively better... as we were learning and such. Now I don't really want sex. I wish I did. My husband is a pretty good guy. He works, he listens to me, we play together...we have a lot of fun together. We do not have any romance in the bedroom. He just roles over and says either, "I'm horny", or "I wanna have sex, a blow job..ect." I don't even know what I would like as romance, or what to tell him except to me sex is a chore. My husband and I can talk about anything. I just wish I knew what would 'get me in the mood', make me want to have sex or fool around more often, what kind of romance to ask for... Thank you for your suggestions.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Try "dating" each other again. Perhaps he (or both of you) are taking the intimacy part for granted... That it will just be there, simply because you're married and laying in the same bed.

C


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Your husband seems to be doing a very bad job. I like it if my fiance tells me he's horny etc, however it's much better if throughout the day he has been very affectionate, done lots of non sexual contact with me (hugging, kissing, holding hands, stroking my hair) and also done some sexual flirting to get me in the mood, like telling me I'm sexy and what he would like to do to me. 

I also like him to be confidant and not say "Can we have sex?" I want him to just grab me and go for it. lol. This turns me on.

For me before I met him I all ways fantasized about being with a man who was quite dominate and I really like him to be that way (however he can't be a jerk, also has to be loving), so I know that helps turn me on too.

You need to put any embarrassment aside, and talk openly about what gets you in the mood. 

Also you should try masturbating and fantasizing, turn what makes you horny into something involving your husband. Then share this with him and see if you can make it a reality.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Syrum said:


> For me before I met him I all ways fantasized about being with a man who was quite dominate and I really like him to be that way (however he can't be a jerk, also has to be loving), so I know that helps turn me on too.
> 
> You need to put any embarrassment aside, and talk openly about what gets you in the mood.
> 
> Also you should try masturbating and fantasizing, turn what makes you horny into something involving your husband. Then share this with him and see if you can make it a reality.


Syrum, the OP said
"..._I don't even know what I would like as romance, or what to tell him except to me sex is a chore. My husband and I can talk about anything. I just wish I knew what would 'get me in the mood', make me want to have sex or fool around more often, what kind of romance to ask for_..."

She can't talk to him about what gets her in the mood. SHE DOESN'T KNOW. She finds sex a chore. She's in the same position as the kind of people who go running and hate every step. They do it because they know they have to keep fit, but it's just another [email protected] thing to fill the day with they have to do. They don't derive pleasure from it, and those who do can't tell them how to.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Wifey7,
Have you been to the doctor recently? You should maybe consider going to your gynecologist to make sure everything is working properly. You could let him/her know that your libido is low and ask if he/she has any suggestions. I recognize this might be embarassing, but it is probably where you should start if you would like to start getting back the sexual aspect of your relationship. If everything is going well physically/medically you and your husband may consider going to a sex therapist or at least a marriage counselor. You can find a sex therapist at this website AASECT - Member Directory.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> Syrum, the OP said
> "..._I don't even know what I would like as romance, or what to tell him except to me sex is a chore. My husband and I can talk about anything. I just wish I knew what would 'get me in the mood', make me want to have sex or fool around more often, what kind of romance to ask for_..."
> 
> She can't talk to him about what gets her in the mood. SHE DOESN'T KNOW. She finds sex a chore. She's in the same position as the kind of people who go running and hate every step. They do it because they know they have to keep fit, but it's just another [email protected] thing to fill the day with they have to do. They don't derive pleasure from it, and those who do can't tell them how to.


Why are you being so hostile?

She also said she was a virgin when she married, so she won't know untill she tries things, will she?

That is why I suggested masturbating, and thinking about what turns her on while she does it. It can take some experimenting to find out what really works for you.

I also agree she should get her self checked out, have her hormones checked etc.


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## Pteradactyl (Apr 8, 2011)

I was in your place a while ago. I thought I had a problem and finally realized the real problem was that MY sexual satisfaction was not a consideration in our sexual relationship. Our sex was completely centered on my husbands satisfaction. I truly feel that when the woman is not having orgasms the sex drive drops. Imagine what would happen if in all your sex sessions YOU had orgasms and then rolled over to sleep and your husband was left just left feeling completely unsatisfied. How frustrated and disappointed do you think he would be? How often do you think he would want it? It is very frustrating watching your mate receive such pleasure when your needs are not being met. 
In my case, I finally got the courage to talk to him and say that this was not just my fault. That a lot of the problem was that he needed to start paying more attention to my needs. I am not talking about washing dishes and taking care of the kids etc, I mean he needed to start showing that MY sexual satisfaction was just as important as his. I bought him The Real Player guide (for the life of me I cannot find the link again, but if you want it, and it is a GREAT idea to have him read, I am sure someone here has the link and will share with you). It's a wonderful guide to sexually satisfying a woman. He happily read it and we have incorporated my vibe into EVERY sex session we have. Now I always finish first and I can honestly say that my drive has gone from just about nothing to I can't get enough! 
I also had him read this article, it helped explain to him what I was going thru: How to Make a Woman Orgasm http://www.articlesbase.com/sexuality-articles/how-to-make-a-woman-orgasm-50316.html
Not that this method caused me to have orgasms, which it didn't, but it does explain why it is important to slow down when making love to a woman...
Hope this is helpful in some way and I wish you much luck. I can say that I am so much happier, sexually, than I was when we got married 20 years ago. Wish I would have made my sexual needs a priority earlier in our lives together....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Pteradactyl said:


> I was in your place a while ago. I thought I had a problem and finally realized the real problem was that MY sexual satisfaction was not a consideration in our sexual relationship. Our sex was completely centered on my husbands satisfaction. I truly feel that when the woman is not having orgasms the sex drive drops. Imagine what would happen if in all your sex sessions YOU had orgasms and then rolled over to sleep and your husband was left just left feeling completely unsatisfied. How frustrated and disappointed do you think he would be? How often do you think he would want it? It is very frustrating watching your mate receive such pleasure when your needs are not being met.
> In my case, I finally got the courage to talk to him and say that this was not just my fault. That a lot of the problem was that he needed to start paying more attention to my needs. I am not talking about washing dishes and taking care of the kids etc, I mean he needed to start showing that MY sexual satisfaction was just as important as his. I bought him The Real Player guide (for the life of me I cannot find the link again, but if you want it, and it is a GREAT idea to have him read, I am sure someone here has the link and will share with you). It's a wonderful guide to sexually satisfying a woman. He happily read it and we have incorporated my vibe into EVERY sex session we have. Now I always finish first and I can honestly say that my drive has gone from just about nothing to I can't get enough!
> I also had him read this article, it helped explain to him what I was going thru: How to Make a Woman Orgasm How to Make a Woman Orgasm
> Not that this method caused me to have orgasms, which it didn't, but it does explain why it is important to slow down when making love to a woman...
> Hope this is helpful in some way and I wish you much luck. I can say that I am so much happier, sexually, than I was when we got married 20 years ago. Wish I would have made my sexual needs a priority earlier in our lives together....


While I applaud you for standing up for your sexual pleasure, I think there's lots of us guys that made sure our partne's orgasmed at least once per session. And the desire for more than once a week/month/year sex never changed. At least, I can honestly say that was the case with my stbx.

I can sure understand your frustration, though. I'd be a little choked being with someone who never checked to make sure I was getting as much out of it as they were.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I concur with seeking help from a sex therapist! They are professionals in this specific area and can guide you in finding your sexuality and help you and your husband work together to have a healthy and happy sex life for both of you. There are so many things that affect sex in marriages and a professional would be the best one to help you figure it all out. 

Good Luck!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Wifey7 said:


> We do not have any romance in the bedroom. He just roles over and says either, "I'm horny", or "I wanna have sex, a blow job..ect." I don't even know what I would like as romance, or what to tell him except to me sex is a chore. My husband and I can talk about anything. I just wish I knew what would 'get me in the mood', make me want to have sex or fool around more often, what kind of romance to ask for... Thank you for your suggestions.


So, my husband just rolling over and saying "I wanna do it" would definitely not do it for me, either!  You say that you and your husband talk about anything, but do you talk about this? Do you let him know that you feel unfilled in this area and that the way he approaches it - expecting you to just be a light switch on, when you are not - does not help the situation and that you want to work together so that you can have a more fulfilling sex life?

Yah, a lot of women take more time to be warmed up for sex. If you aren't getting that, it may make the experience feel hollow. There's nothing wrong with you for needing to be warmed up. You should start by discussing this with your husband, and then as Syrum suggested, you can being to think about what kinds of things you might like to try, and then try and do them. You might also consider reading a book together, such as His Needs, Her Needs:

Amazon.com: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage Fifteenth Anniversary Edition (9780800717889): Willard F. Harley Jr.: Books


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

this is an example of a husband who is selfish and has unrealistic views on relationships. i know my own personal story of infrequent sex with my wife, and probably many other guys on here, are NOT attributable to behavior like you describe. there is a time to playfully tell your wife your horny, or just take her (right syrum?), but he should spend alot more time investing in the overall relationship with you, not just pursuing his sexual needs like a charging bull. thats lack of understanding on his behalf


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## Pteradactyl (Apr 8, 2011)

PBear said:


> While I applaud you for standing up for your sexual pleasure, I think there's lots of us guys that made sure our partne's orgasmed at least once per session. And the desire for more than once a week/month/year sex never changed. At least, I can honestly say that was the case with my stbx.
> 
> I can sure understand your frustration, though. I'd be a little choked being with someone who never checked to make sure I was getting as much out of it as they were.
> 
> ...



hi there,
I am sorry, I did not mean to suggest that this is the one and only reason for losing interest in sex. I just wanted to try to help the OP and thought I would tell her what helped me. By the way she described how her husband attempts to get her in the mood, "i wanna have sex, i'm horny, or I need a blow job". I have a sneaking suspicion this may be part of her problem as well. Not that I think he is intentionally ignoring her needs he may just be awkward about aproaching the subject or not know what she likes and I think some reading and research might help them get on track...
Again, I am very sorry if I was offensive. I just wanted to add my two cents as I have been in her shoes and these things helped me. My poor husband can't keep up with me now.. lol


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

Pteradactyl said:


> hi there,
> I am sorry, I did not mean to suggest that this is the one and only reason for losing interest in sex. I just wanted to try to help the OP and thought I would tell her what helped me. By the way she described how her husband attempts to get her in the mood, "i wanna have sex, i'm horny, or I need a blow job". I have a sneaking suspicion this may be part of her problem as well. Not that I think he is intentionally ignoring her needs he may just be awkward about aproaching the subject or not know what she likes and I think some reading and research might help them get on track...
> Again, I am very sorry if I was offensive. I just wanted to add my two cents as I have been in her shoes and these things helped me. My poor husband can't keep up with me now.. lol


I agree with this.. normally if your husband is doing his part, you would be begging him for it. It sounds like you might just take a bit more warming up than he expected going into the marriage. He should be doing everything in his power to make it fun for you, but he may not realize that just rolling over and asking you isn't going to cut it. There are great resources out there if he is willing to work on it, including this forum.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Syrum said:


> Why are you being so hostile?


I'm not being hostile, merely pointing out that she can't (by her own admission) follow a slew of your advice. No one can tell anyone something they don't know themselves.



> She also said she was a virgin when she married, so she won't know untill she tries things, will she?


She pointed out she had learned and things had got better:
"..._was progressively better... as we were learning and such. Now I don't really want sex_..." She has no frame of reference for romance - it's like explaining colours to the blind.



> That is why I suggested masturbating, and thinking about what turns her on while she does it. It can take some experimenting to find out what really works for you.


How do you masterbate without being turned on? Is it even possible? I suppose you can go through the motions, but do you have to hope you hit gold before boredom sets in?



> I also agree she should get her self checked out, have her hormones checked etc.


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

I think you should talk about approach. 

Saying I want/need/would like is not a good way of doing it? Maybe tell him to show you want he wants but without words? Maybe by touching you romantically first. I agree most women will not be turned on when a guy says I am horny, but can be turned on when I guy texts them mid day saying something along the lines "I hope your wearing my favorit panties, since I have by boxer briefs on".


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I suggest some tender attention to specifically what you feel your husband is doing wrong. If he's rolling over, you don't really have to accept that. You can coax him to be a bit more romantic, passionate, no? I'm not suggesting you 'do' more, I'm suggesting you gently guide HIM to do more. Men I think want to be good lovers for the most part but you have to help them to understand how. And if you haven't mentioned anything so far, why would he think you find what he does objectionable? We're not mind readers.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Wifey7 said:


> We do not have any romance in the bedroom. He just roles over and says either, "I'm horny", or "I wanna have sex, a blow job..ect." I don't even know what I would like as romance, or what to tell him except to me sex is a chore. My husband and I can talk about anything. .


Obviously, he does not have a clue, but since the two of you can talk about everything, are you suggesting that you don't know what to tell him?

I'd suggest that the two of you have an honest talk about your concerns. Maybe tell him the Guys Universal Laws of Bedroom Behavior, Rule #1 is that "If you think it starts with saying, I want _____, then you should join a monastary."

Seriously, he needs to learn that even married women enjoy the thrill of pursuit from their husband. Too many guys think that lovemaking starts and ends in the bed, and I suspect that this is the root of the problem.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sneak a feather into the bedroom and tickle his genitals and bottom with them.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Pteradactyl said:


> hi there,
> I am sorry, I did not mean to suggest that this is the one and only reason for losing interest in sex. I just wanted to try to help the OP and thought I would tell her what helped me. By the way she described how her husband attempts to get her in the mood, "i wanna have sex, i'm horny, or I need a blow job". I have a sneaking suspicion this may be part of her problem as well. Not that I think he is intentionally ignoring her needs he may just be awkward about aproaching the subject or not know what she likes and I think some reading and research might help them get on track...
> Again, I am very sorry if I was offensive. I just wanted to add my two cents as I have been in her shoes and these things helped me. My poor husband can't keep up with me now.. lol


. It will take far, far more than that to offend me! I was merely providing my input from a guy's perspective. So no apology needed!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Wifey7 said:


> My husband and I dated 3 yrs before getting married. We were both virgins when we got married. We did certainly engage in some foreplay before marrying from time to time. At first in our marriage, sex was progressively better... as we were learning and such. Now I don't really want sex. I wish I did. My husband is a pretty good guy. He works, he listens to me, we play together...we have a lot of fun together. We do not have any romance in the bedroom. He just roles over and says either, "I'm horny", or "I wanna have sex, a blow job..ect." I don't even know what I would like as romance, or what to tell him except to me sex is a chore. My husband and I can talk about anything. I just wish I knew what would 'get me in the mood', make me want to have sex or fool around more often, what kind of romance to ask for... Thank you for your suggestions.


I would suggest getting a book like this and reading it together, with you both being virgins when you married, this could be very helpful and it would line up with your values . Amazon.com: Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage (9782913356559): Kevin Leman: Books


I am assuming you abstained due to your beliefs. Sometimes (not always of coarse) people raised in the church come away with a "sex is dirty' mental picture, not feeling free & comfortable with thier sexual desires, and find themselves fumbling if they have never learned to EXPRESS themselves in a way that is confident -consuming and alive to arouse thier partner effectively. Desire is a part of us, your husband is feeling it but his way of expressing it is "DRY" - I can see why you are NOT turned on by this. 

I wonder if he is comfortable with his own sexuality & desires ? Has he EVER been romantic ? 

I am just assuming of coarse, I had my own struggle here, also my husband - why I am throwing this out there. When I hear "virgins", I automatically think "repression" to some degree, an unfamilairarity with their sexuality, and some pent up freedom in expressing it. Obviouly this can all be overcome just fine -in time -with a desire to seek out sexual knowledge, use some creativity, experimenting with each other and commitment to please each other .


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## chingchang (Sep 21, 2010)

Wifey7 said:


> My husband and I dated 3 yrs before getting married. We were both virgins when we got married. We did certainly engage in some foreplay before marrying from time to time. At first in our marriage, sex was progressively better... as we were learning and such. Now I don't really want sex. I wish I did. My husband is a pretty good guy. He works, he listens to me, we play together...we have a lot of fun together. We do not have any romance in the bedroom. He just roles over and says either, "I'm horny", or "I wanna have sex, a blow job..ect." I don't even know what I would like as romance, or what to tell him except to me sex is a chore. My husband and I can talk about anything. I just wish I knew what would 'get me in the mood', make me want to have sex or fool around more often, what kind of romance to ask for... Thank you for your suggestions.


The good news is that there is a ton of help out there for you. I have a few personal questions, which I believe will help get to the bottom of this issue fast.

1. Are you taking BC pills?

2. Are you taking any pharmaceutical meds? If so, what?

3. Do you have orgasms when you have sex?

4. Do you masturbate? If so, do you always orgasm? What do you think about when you masturbate?

These questions may seem a little weird...but you'll soon see that they are right on topic.

CC


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## Danielson67 (Mar 10, 2011)

I see the main problem as being on your husband. Whenever the pronoun "I" is used in a relationship as in: I want, I need, I deserve... there is a problem and it is called selfishness. The way to get over selfishness is to start giving. The way I see it is if your H would start giving more sexually to you there is no doubt in my mind that you would start to want it more. There's a catch here though. You may have to give more also, to your husband, in order for him to give to you. Here's the deal... when both husband and wife are "giving" instead of trying to "get" the problem works itself out naturally. Sounds like you need something to spark the romance too. Your husband, and all us husbands, need to view our wives incredible bodies as our playground - that would solve alot of sexual frustrations that women are having! Maybe get a sex game or something that gets the creative sexual ideas going and build from there... good luck.


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