# Think husband could be narcissist



## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

I appreciate every one reading this and any input you may provide. I apologize it's so long. This is a multi problem post. It has to deal with me feeling rejected by my husband and I wonder if he narcissistic personality disorder.


I'm married to a wonderful man. He's 33 and I'm 27. Both our second marriage. We've been married since May and have been together 3 years. 

I have never been in a relationship like this, we are very hot/cold. When it's great I feel so in love and glad I'm in my marriage, and when it's bad it's bad. Our arguments get no where, i am left broken. I want to hit my head against a wall at this point. 

I divorced my first husband for lack of libido on his side. We had no sex life. We went for a year with out sex and i finally left because he couldn't or wouldn't change. It broke my self esteem and is a sensitive issue even for me now. 

With my current husband we argue a lot about sex problems as well and me having rejection issues. I realized a long time ago that the that the more I throw my self at him the less he wants me. I stopped physically initiating sex because of that. I do sext, send pics, flirt with him, dress sexy, tell him I want him. I feel like because Initiating isn't a strength of mine, that I am still initiating by doing these things. When we have sex it's amazing. Yet there are many times I ask for sex and he pretends he doesn't hear me, says nothing, falls asleep, or says I didn't give him enough time or he was going to if I waited longer. He always has excuses. 

Frankly I don't have any self esteem left. I am broken and shattered. I feel like a shell of a person. I feel lifeless. I have told him over and over how it breaks me. Each time I build walls and resentment. I told him once that it makes me feel so depressed that it's hard to keep living. 

Well i'm past my breaking point but keep trying to forgive and work on our issues. 

This past weekend I was on a weekend trip with my sisters. I sent him pics of me nude, and we were talking dirty to each other, and he was saying he couldn't wait until I was home so he could "attack me." He said all the things he wanted to do to me...
Well when I got home he acted like I never left. He acted normal and like nothing ever happened. I asked him to bathe with me because it was a way to get things going. But he said he couldn't have sex in a bath because it's uncomfortable. It was more about being spontaneous and starting in the bath to me. We didn't have sex and I was beyond frustrated and pissed. I felt like that was the straw on the camels back. 


Well last night we were playing a game with the kids. We were being really flirty and had heat between us. I decided to put on lingerie to get him ready for after the game. (It's extremely hard for me to do that....the first time I put on lingerie he fell asleep) but I was trying to face my fears and try everything to get our marriage right. Well I put a robe over the lingerie and flashed it open a sec for him to see. All he says was "you didn't wear your other one?" He was referring to a new one I bought. I was crushed that was his only response. But I kept waiting for him to say ANYTHING and he didn't. After seven minutes (yes i kept time) I walked away and put clothes on and go to bed.
He asks what's wrong and i calmly told him he shattered me. He gets set off and starts yelling and slamming doors and being obnoxious. Not at any point did I raise my voice. I said "do you really need to yell at me?" And he says "I'm allowed to be upset." He continued to yell at me while I pretended to be asleep in bed saying nothing. Then he apologized today. He also blames me because I didn't give him time until we went to bed to show he wanted sex. He said he would've had sex with me in bed. But it ruined the moment and crushed me. He makes me feel bad for trying to be spontaneous. I just wanted him to acknowledge how much I was doing to face my fears for him. Instead I feel stupid. I opened up again tonight saying my feelings and he interupted me saying "are you ever going to let me talk?"
I said okay I talk to much then. He said "well I can't reply if I don't remember what you said." I wasn't even talking long.

This is always his behavior. He always rejects me and says sorry. I always forgive because I feel like I have to. I don't want another failed marriage. I can't do that to my kids. He is a great husband other wise and great dad.

But I honestly am having an epiphany. I am wondering if he lacks empathy or insight. He never truly gets how it makes me feel. He always says sorry but I can tell he doesn't mean it. He always says he's trying to change but never does.
I started doing a little research and wonder if he is a narcissist. He hurts me over and over and shocked every time I'm upset. 

Here are other some traits of his.
--He's doesn't have insight.
Once I told him we both needed to step back and take our feelings out and he flipped out on me but I was being genuine and sincere
--He lacks empathy. He hasn't been a good friend. Hard to open up or talk to him because he always gets upset. He wasn't supportive after my mom died. I just feel lonely. Can't open up to him as I hoped.
--he has a temper and yells at me when ever we argue. These are the excuses he gives me "it's not yelling, it's passion." "I'm allowed to be upset." "I'm allowed to show emotion." "I'm not yelling"
--sometimes when I shut down and turn away he jerks my body towards him how he wants me turned. He forces me to make eye contact. (I tend to look down and close up)
--the day before our wedding I was having a panic attack and felt he wasn't supporting me with all the wedding tasks. He flipped out. I tried to leave to get away and he ran into our front door, throwing his entire body into it and falling on the floor. When I tried to drive away he jumped on my windshield as I was reversing and cracked my wind Sheild. Then when I ran inside he was screaming and pulled out his gun from our drawer. I was terrified and got him to hand it to me. I didn't know if he was going to use it on me or him. I called the cops and he stayed in jail that night. Our wedding was cancelled one day before. His family flew in as he was being arrested. Worse day of my life. Awful. He hasn't been like that since.
--there was a point he stole our only savings which was cash in our drawer that I was saving for Christmas. I posted a thread here about it. 
--the worse moment was a couple months ago. My mom unexpectedly ended up in the hospital and was on life support. We had to pull her off a few days later. (My dad died when I was a baby so she was my last parent.) as soon as we drove away from the hospital after she died our car died. I told my husband if he had it checked when I asked that wouldn't have happened. He jumped out of the car and had a melt down yelling and threw his phone on the road. Refused to get in the car. He did this in front of my family! I was humiliated! All immediately after my mom passed. He should've been there for me.

We are in counseling. Have been a few months. Not sure if it's helping. I downloaded "the sex starved marriage" and I've been reading it. He refuses because "he's not good at reading and won't remember what he read." I feel like I'm putting all the work in. I'm heart broken. I can't give up even though I feel like I have no choice. I would appreciate any feedback


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> We are in counseling. Have been a few months. Not sure if it's helping. I downloaded "the sex starved marriage" and I've been reading it. He refuses because "he's not good at reading and won't remember what he read." I feel like I'm putting all the work in. I'm heart broken. I can't give up even though I feel like I have no choice. I would appreciate any feedback


The hardest part of coaching any relationship is telling the plaintiff (you) to, first, self-reflect. No matter the circumstances, you should be happy. And why not? Of course, you deserve to have your gifts of love reciprocated, however.

The best thing you can give your relationship is to give yourself unconditional happiness. Whether or not he joins the mission, you will be strong and happy.

There is a lot of negativity in your post, as you describe negative emotions from both of you. In an article I am writing, I tell partners in failing relationships to no longer see their marriage as a war of roses. Love isn't war. So, don't show up to the battlefield. You don't have to defend yourself. You don't have to beat each other senseless to get what you want. Ask. Invite. Don't expect. Relationships only work (to the fullest potential) when they are voluntary.

Yes. The hardest thing to do is to relinquish one's grasp on the relationship.


_We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them._
~Albert Einstein


You aren't going to get what you want AND deserve by using the status quo. Let it come your way.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

If you really believe he is N, then you should leave him. These personalities are almost impossible to change. Save yourself while you can. Living with a true N is soul-destroying. That is my advice if you truly believe this.

If not, that's quite the shopping list of angst. Is there anything good about your H? If not, why did you marry him?

Is it possible you are a b!tch that overthinks and looks for the negative? Or wants to be viewed as a victim to avoid making hard changes about yourself. This is not a facetious question. What insights do you have about your own contributions to these events?


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Mrs. Rodriguez said:
> 
> 
> > We are in counseling. Have been a few months. Not sure if it's helping. I downloaded "the sex starved marriage" and I've been reading it. He refuses because "he's not good at reading and won't remember what he read." I feel like I'm putting all the work in. I'm heart broken. I can't give up even though I feel like I have no choice. I would appreciate any feedback
> ...



Thank you so much for the advice. I think your right. I have been looking at it selfishly. I'm hoping for a certain response. I never thought of it that way. That's actually realty insightful and helpful


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

sapientia said:


> If you really believe he is N, then you should leave him. These personalities are almost impossible to change. Save yourself while you can. Living with a true N is soul-destroying. That is my advice if you truly believe this.
> 
> If not, that's quite the shopping list of angst. Is there anything good about your H? If not, why did you marry him?
> 
> Is it possible you are a b!tch that overthinks and looks for the negative? Or wants to be viewed as a victim to avoid making hard changes about yourself. This is not a facetious question. What insights do you have about your own contributions to these events?


Thank you for your time and input. I think he had features of it but not for sure. I don't have much experience with it which is why I was posting
I know it seemed negative I just wanted to lay the facts out. He is amazing. I've never been in love like this. Other than fighting he treats me great. My kids love him as their own dad.

I think you may be on to something. Maybe I do look for the negative. I'm not sure why I do that. I think I'm preparing my self to get hurt. I am also really sensitive and wear my heart on my sleeve


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> I'm married to a wonderful man.


Stop. Just stop right there.

I read your other posts. You've been posting here for three or four years now and you've been complaining about the same guy over and over. This "wonderful man" has stolen money from you, threatened you with a gun, and made it repeatedly clear he has absolutely no interest in you sexually. I dislike him already and I don't even know him.

You need to make him see what will happen if he loses you. Tell him you want a separation or threaten him with a divorce. Remove yourself from his presence and make him miss you. Make him realize he could actually lose you. 

One of two things is going to happen. Either he will step up, or he won't. Something tells me that his behavior patterns are so strongly ingrained at this late stage that you will not get a favorable result.

You can't keep on doing all the same things you've been doing and expect different results. 

I can sympathize with you, truly and sincerely, because I've been dealing with sexual rejection from my wife for several years as well. I have not yet hit upon the right combination of words and actions to reactivate my spouse's sex drive, and perhaps I never will. And, sadly, I don't think that's a reachable goal for you either. 

My thinking is that you must learn to be content with what he is, and what he is offering, or you must find someone else who can satisfy you the way you have been longing for. What you cannot do is continue to believe that one day he will change. The opportunity for that is long past.


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

Quigster said:


> Mrs. Rodriguez said:
> 
> 
> > I'm married to a wonderful man.
> ...


Thank you for the post and reality check. It's so frustrating to loves some one so much and yet sometimes they treat you like crap. I don't know if he knows he's doing or does it on purpose. I'm desperately trying to save the marriage. He is out of the house right now. I told him I needed space. When we texts he mostly says "sorry." I'm beginning to hate that word. It's so generic


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> Thank you so much for the advice. I think your right. I have been looking at it selfishly. I'm hoping for a certain response. I never thought of it that way. That's actually realty insightful and helpful


Hoping for a certain response, as you put it, is a self-destructive mindset. It all but guarantees that you will end up disappointed.

Thanks for the response.


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Mrs. Rodriguez said:
> 
> 
> > Thank you so much for the advice. I think your right. I have been looking at it selfishly. I'm hoping for a certain response. I never thought of it that way. That's actually realty insightful and helpful
> ...


There is so much hurt how do I start back? How do I get rid of resentment? He also doesn't initiate conversation, I have to always be the one who forgives and he says he will change but he doesn't. I feel like he doesn't put effort in. I feel like I'm enabling him. How do I handle that?


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> I don't know if he knows he's doing or does it on purpose. I'm desperately trying to save the marriage.


You've got to get to the root of his issues and find out what's going on inside his head. Does he take medication that could be affecting his libido? Does he have body issues or poor self-esteem? Has he always rejected you sexually, or did something change? Does he find other women attractive at all? Does he ever look at porn? Does he masturbate? If he is taking care of his own sexual needs, then he has an outlet for physical release that makes it easier for him to refuse sex with you. 

If you can figure out why he's rejecting you I think that would help enormously. Does he have performance issues? Is he afraid of disappointing you? Does he have some lingering anger or resentment over some unrelated issue, and he's choosing to take it out on you by being sexually unavailable? Or is he just an asexual being who has no interest in sexual pleasure from any person or any source? 

You will never be happy with your marriage until you resolve this. He continues to bury his head in the sand when you bring it up, and that can no longer be an acceptable solution. I share your frustration. I simply cannot understand why your spouse (or my own) would purposefully and deliberately avoid sex. How can he not see that it's breaking your heart? How can he not want to fix this?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> There is so much hurt how do I start back? How do I get rid of resentment? He also doesn't initiate conversation, I have to always be the one who forgives and he says he will change but he doesn't. I feel like he doesn't put effort in. I feel like I'm enabling him. How do I handle that?


I can't lie or give unrealistic expectations. It is hard to transform your emotional landscape. It is hard to let others do anything other than give us love.

How?

You have to step way out of your comfort zone. Doing so causes serious resistance to erupt from within yourself. Your subconscious mind naturally resists even positive change. For you to realize positive change, you have to see the challenges that will be faced, confront and embrace them. You have to completely change what you invest your faith and belief in. Remember the Einstein quote. 










Be this woman, no matter what your husband decides to be. Be the person you want to be if your relationship was perfect. 

Confront every action and thought of yours with a question.
Does this action/thought bring me closer to happiness?

If the answer is not a resounding yes, then don't do it. If it is a thought, then directly attack it. The inner voice of your mind speaks almost exclusively in a negative tongue. The minute the voice shuts up, you no longer are unhappy. The voice is there to coerce you into negative action and feeling. The voice is not you. Don't believe what it has to say.

As far as interacting with your husband. Give to him and ask him to join you, without the pressure of expectations. Keep giving, whether or not he accepts or reciprocates. Do it for yourself. If he does not join you, then he is not voluntarily choosing to participate in the relationship. That isn't a marriage. But you first have to give him that choice.


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## welldusted (Oct 5, 2015)

No one here can diagnose your husband, but I think the question is a distraction. You know your husband, you live with him, you know his patterns, his behaviors, his hangups, his reactions. You know what you can and can't take. It sounds to me like you are avoiding facing the choice of either accepting and staying with him or deciding his flaws are too impossible to reconcile and leaving. If he has really threatened you with a gun and stolen money, I'm not about to try to convince you to stay, but it's still ultimately something you have to decide. 

But perhaps instead of trying to diagnose him, you need to look more inwardly. Why do you break so easily? Why do you give him so much power? What role do you play in the angry and sad dance the two of you keep doing?


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

Quigster said:


> Mrs. Rodriguez said:
> 
> 
> > I don't know if he knows he's doing or does it on purpose. I'm desperately trying to save the marriage.
> ...


b

Your right I have to get to the root. He never admits there is a problem. In his mind he always has a justified reason for rejecting me so he doesn't see a problem
He doesn't look at porn or masterbate, from what he tells me.
He doesn't have body issues, I give him plenty confidence.
We used to have sex twice a day but it has decreased. And we fight so much so with all the fighting we average once a week. I need it way more.
He doesn't have performance issues. The sex is spectacular


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> Quigster said:
> 
> 
> > Mrs. Rodriguez said:
> ...





welldusted said:


> No one here can diagnose your husband, but I think the question is a distraction. You know your husband, you live with him, you know his patterns, his behaviors, his hangups, his reactions. You know what you can and can't take. It sounds to me like you are avoiding facing the choice of either accepting and staying with him or deciding his flaws are too impossible to reconcile and leaving. If he has really threatened you with a gun and stolen money, I'm not about to try to convince you to stay, but it's still ultimately something you have to decide.
> 
> But perhaps instead of trying to diagnose him, you need to look more inwardly. Why do you break so easily? Why do you give him so much power? What role do you play in the angry and sad dance the two of you keep doing?


Man this is tough to read but necessary. I'm only in my head so it's so hard to see my faults and struggles because it's my normal. That's why I'm thankful for this place. I have a lot of reflecting I need to do


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## welldusted (Oct 5, 2015)

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> Man this is tough to read but necessary. I'm only in my head so it's so hard to see my faults and struggles because it's my normal. That's why I'm thankful for this place. I have a lot of reflecting I need to do


Any choice you make, whether it's leaving, or staying and dealing with him the best you can, requires building up your own strength and self-esteem. It's not really about "faults" imo, that's not the word I used. The point isn't so much self-criticism as self-understanding.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

You're afraid to leave. Why? Are you employed and capable of self-support?

If not, fix this problem first. Give yourself options. Otherwise, you are just setting yourself up to fail and all these posts are just time waste and distraction from doing what is needful.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

If you are the type of person who just shuts people down or turns away when important matters need resolving just what kind of response are your expecting to receive?


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

I am in the process of leaving my diagnosed narcissist husband that I have been married to for 12 years. I can't tell you if your husband is a narcissist but I can tell you without doubt he is both physically and emotionally abusive so that is enough. I can also tell you that you have your own issues to deal with because you are still there. I am a co-dependent personality, a perfect victim for a person with NSD or an abuser. I go to IC because I can't change a person with NSD only myself.

You are on a dangerous abuse cycle and need to get off! I get the fear and the denial I live it every day. He is so charming some days I think he will change and then we have a few good days, weeks, months all depends but the one thing that is sure the good days end and some type of abuse occurs. He cheats, he gets violent, he disappears, he gives a horrible silent treatment for days at ends....always something. 12 years of this.

I hope you join a support group or get some counseling and leave before we hear another tragic story about a women dying at the hand of an abuser.

How to Recognize a Potentially Abusive Relationship


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I'm not sure about the narcissist diagnosis but he is definitely not thinking about you needs. He sounds a bit self centered. That will probably not change overnight if ever.

It also sounds like you have a high sex drive and perhaps he doesn't. Given his personality, he blames you for any conflict instead of trying to talk/work it out. It's the sign of a reactive, emotionally immature person.

I understand to well.


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