# If you receved an out-of-the-blue phone call from someone you dated for 7 years, 11 years into your marriage, how would you handle it?



## Two the Point (Aug 10, 2020)

What would you do in this situation:

- You've been married for 11 years. You and your spouse are sitting in your living room with your three young children watching TV, when the phone rings.

- The name of the caller comes up on the TV screen, and you see that it's an out-of-the-blue call from someone you had dated for 7 years, parted ways with amicably, and hadn't had contact with in 15 years. Your spouse recognizes that name, and knows that it's someone you had dated for 7 years.

How would you handle the phone call:

a) Not answer it
b) Answer it, but keep the conversation cordial and very brief (perhaps 5 minutes or less)
c) Answer it, and have an in-depth conversation (perhaps up to 45 minutes), catching up on what's happened in each other's lives since last seeing each other

In addition to sharing your answer, please explain why you chose the answer you did.

Thank you!


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Option b. You have no idea what the call is about - perhaps a mutual acquaintance died. Who knows? Nothing wrong with being cordial with an ex. 

Option c is fine IF you know your spouse isn't the jealous type. But that 45 minutes should not turn in to any more phone calls or in-person contact unless your spouse is invited.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I would be gob smacked because I never dated anyone but my wife that long!

If I knew who it was, I would let it go to message and talk with my wife before returning the call.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Well...I've never dated someone for 7 years, then married someone else for 15 years.  But I have been married three times: one divorced and one passed away. Sooooo...trying to extrapolate, let's imagine I'm sitting with current hubby (Beloved Buddhist), and my exH's calls and his name comes up on the TV. 

We are in our late 50's and our kids are grown and out of the house, established, and on their own (hubby's kids are too), so there is no reason whatsoever that my exH would be calling me. We aren't friendly--but we are "civil" (hubby is civil with his exW too) ... and frankly I haven't heard from him in years, so it would be HIGHLY unusual, and possibly somewhat similar to the scenario you describe. 

So assuming that my Beloved Buddhist would be sitting right there next to me, and we both saw the caller ID from the call... you asked:



> How would you handle the phone call:
> 
> a) Not answer it
> b) Answer it, but keep the conversation cordial and very brief (perhaps 5 minutes or less)
> ...


I suspect I would do (b) Answer it, but keep the conversation cordial and very brief (perhaps 5 minutes or less) because frankly I'd be curious why in the world he'd be calling! I also don't hide anything from my dear hubby so I would definitely take the call in front of him and possibly even put it on speakerphone and say "Hey, I've got you on speaker..." I think I'd keep the call on the topic, and if that is over quickly or takes a little bit to complete, I'd stay brief but finish the topic. 

I would NOT choose (a) because not answering is inconsiderate and I have no need to avoid a one-time phone call. I would not choose (c) because I have no reason to chitchat with him or "catch up". I wouldn't talk socially, just "why you calling?" "Oh okay here's what we'll do...." because I have to guess it would be about the kids or someone's health, etc. If I were to want to chitchat with someone, it would be dear hubby, not some guy who cheated on me! And I think to sit and socialize with an ex in front of my current hubby would be disrespectful to my dear hubby, so I wouldn't do that to him.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I would pick up the phone and ask "Who died?"


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I would say, "Wife, do you want me to answer it or let it go?"


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## Imagirl (Aug 17, 2020)

There is no reason to be talking to an ex. I either wouldn't answer or let my man answer on my behalf. On the off chance it was something important voicemail would handle it.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Honestly, I don't know what I'd do. I can see myself doing any of the 3 options and it wouldn't mean anything other than being shocked and reacting without really thinking. I hope I'd know better than to stay on the phone for 45 minutes but who knows. 

I would lean towards just not answering it. That would probably get me in the least amount of trouble. Maybe. AC's answer of putting the phone on speaker is better but I wouldn't think of that.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If I had any interest in talking to them or _potentially_ renewing a friendship, then b or c. My wife would have no problem with this (as long as it's not our date night), even if they wanted to get together for lunch or drinks.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I prefer Conan's way of handling it. What did your spouse do? Stupid question - of course they talked for 45 minutes.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

I dated my HS Sweetheart for about 6 years, and my now-wife was her best friend. I havent talked to her in about 13 years but my wife is friends with her on FB. 

I think if I was watching TV with the wifely unit and kid, and old chicky called, I'd say "hey its so-and-so, think I should answer it"? And if she said sure, I would. 

"Hi, long time no see, everything okay"? As she knows I'm married I doubt it would be a "I miss your loins" type of call.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So why did the ex call?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I would wonder who died or was in a bad accident and in the hospital and would answer the frick'n phone without a second thought.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Easy... let your husband answer.


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## Two the Point (Aug 10, 2020)

This was a real situation that occurred with me. My wife's former boyfriend of 7 years, who contacted her out of the blue 15 years after having no contact, called to find out whether she would be attending their class reunion, which was to take place two days after he called. 

She told him that she would not be attending the reunion, but went on to spend 45 minutes speaking with him, "catching up" on what had been going on in their lives since they last spoke 15 years prior.

After the phone conversation, I told her that I felt as though it was inappropriate for her to spend 45 minutes speaking with him; she replied, "I just HAD to know how he was doing."

I asked her whether it ever crossed her mind that it might be inappropriate or disrespectful to me to engage in such a long conversation while I was in the next room watching out three young children. She replied that because she thought nothing of it, it never crossed her mind that it was disrespectful or inappropriate.

Did I overreact and let my jealousy get in the way of my thinking rationally about this?

Did I offend my wife by acting as if I didn't trust her?


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Two the Point said:


> What would you do in this situation:
> 
> - You've been married for 11 years. You and your spouse are sitting in your living room with your three young children watching TV, when the phone rings.
> 
> ...


It is not possible for anyone who is not already a contact on my phone (meaning I have put their number there) to call me as I have an app which prohibits such an event. when we decided to have mobile phones a few years ago, I was stalked by someone who got arrested for it. From them on we swap phones every two weeks so if you text one of our phones, you cannot guess which of us will respond.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i think you might have jump the gun a bit especially if she has never had history of sneakiness, i think it is perfectly normal to catch after all these years.....now if she had suddenly changed her mind that she was traveling to the reunion or if she continues to talk to him after catching up then yeah i might be concern but otherwise i think you were premature.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Trust had nothing to do with it. Her behavior was rude and inappropriate. She just HAD to find out how he was doing? Hmmmmm.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

If my ex-husband called I would answer the phone. We aren't friendly, but are cordial, share a young adult son, and were in each others lives a very long time. There's a very good chance that I would need to know whatever he was calling about. 

In fact, this very thing has happened more than once while I was with my SO. I always take the call. We speak briefly then get off the phone. We don't chat, don't catch up, don't stay on the phone for long. We exchange information and then end the call. Because we might have parted amicably, but we are not friends.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Two the Point said:


> Did I overreact and let my jealousy get in the way of my thinking rationally about this?
> 
> Did I offend my wife by acting as if I didn't trust her?


You see your first problem is that you are worried that you overreacted or offended your wife. 

Do you know how many affair start from old flames? Do you know how many exs hook up at class reunions because, we have done it so many times before. "Lets see if we still have the magic." 

What she did was wrong, it show that she does not give one whit for old steady boring husband, (you). 

You need to read "No more Mr, nice guy" today actually. 

Does your wife always show such disrespect for you? is the guys local at all?

Are you always this weak with your wife?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Rowan said:


> If my ex-husband called I would answer the phone. We aren't friendly, but are cordial, share a young adult son, and were in each others lives a very long time. There's a very good chance that I would need to know whatever he was calling about.
> 
> In fact, this very thing has happened more than once while I was with my SO. I always take the call. We speak briefly then get off the phone. We don't chat, don't catch up, don't stay on the phone for long. We exchange information and then end the call. Because we might have parted amicably, but we are not friends.


You have a reason to take the call. She didn't.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Honestly, reunions are major stomping grounds for starting affairs with people from the past. There is a lot of allure to nabbing that crush you never got to have back then. A friend of mine actually got married to a woman he reconnected with at their 10 year reunion. They never dated in high school, but hit it off at the reunion and never looked back. They were both single, but the point is that it's ripe for opportunity.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Two the Point said:


> What would you do in this situation:
> 
> - You've been married for 11 years. You and your spouse are sitting in your living room with your three young children watching TV, when the phone rings.
> 
> ...


OP, did this actually happen to you?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

GC1234 said:


> OP, did this actually happen to you?


See post #15.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> See post #15.


Thank you


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Two the Point said:


> What would you do in this situation:
> 
> - You've been married for 11 years. You and your spouse are sitting in your living room with your three young children watching TV, when the phone rings.
> 
> ...


Hey OP, 
So...If it were me, I would have picked up the call, and spoken in front of my husband. I probably would have been cordial for like 5-10 minutes max, and ended the convo. No need to spend so much time talking to an ex. My questions are, why does he have your number and why is he looking for her to go to this class reunion, to the point of this call? Did he ask if you were going along? Is he married/single? If married, I wonder what his wife would think of all this. 

Once my then fiancee (now husband) and I saw an ex of mine in a pizzeria; he refused to say hello to my new fiancee, and I was angry to say the least; while my now husband was getting the pizza, I demanded my ex acknowledge my fiancee, to which he did; shook his hand and all. 

I mean, I'm not sure you can be completely angry, b/c not sure if this is a boundary you have both discussed before, since it was out of the blue. But your wife didn't need to talk to him for so long, I agree with that.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Two the Point said:


> I asked her whether it ever crossed her mind that it might be inappropriate or disrespectful to me to engage in such a long conversation while I was in the next room watching out three young children. She replied that because she thought nothing of it, it never crossed her mind that it was disrespectful or inappropriate.


Having that conversation in your presence seems to me on the contrary to be a sign of respect. Respect in your relationship. Implicit acknowledgement that she has nothing to hide by talking to this guy in front of you. Respect for you ability to be a secure man in a situation that isn't particularly threatening.

Had she gone to her reunion, this conversation would have happened anyway, in your presence. Instead, it happened over the phone. People don't cease to exist simply because we dated them once.

The disrespect will happen in the future if, now that you have had this conversation, it happens again.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Cletus said:


> Having that conversation in your presence seems to me on the contrary to be a sign of respect. Respect in your relationship. Implicit acknowledgement that she has nothing to hide by talking to this guy in front of you. Respect for you ability to be a secure man in a situation that isn't particularly threatening.
> 
> Had she gone to her reunion, this conversation would have happened anyway, in your presence. Instead, it happened over the phone. People don't cease to exist simply because we dated them once.


She was in the other room while he watched the kids if I am not mistaken...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I'd give my W a quick heads up, and answer it in speaker with W there.

Kindly give best wishes to caller, tell am married, kindly say don't call, etc.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Answer it in front of my spouse and put it on speaker. And let the other person know they are on speaker.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Well, I don't answer the phone ever. Like, ever. All calls go through VM first. I would let it go to VM. If he left me a message, depending on what it is I might return the call. 

I would tell my H about the call and message though. 

I did have an ex that I was with for 5+ years before meeting my H. I was close with his family after being together for so long (and he was close with mine) so I wouldn't think it was strange to spend 45 minutes catching up on a call. I wouldn't have a desire to see him in person again or go to the class reunion, though. Nor would I let him back into my life. A one time 45-minute call once in 15 years would be fine for me. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I have no problem with my husband catching up with an ex. The majority of my ex's are my FB contacts and I have chatted with them over the years.

My opinion is if a spouse wants to cheat they can cheat whenever and wherever they want.

I'm an adult and as an adult I don't want to be policing my husband's actions. Our boundaries are pretty clear. My husband is very social, he talks to a lot of people, male and female. The difference it might be he talks in front of me. 

I don't like insecure men who make a big deal out of a phone conversation. That's a big turn off for me.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Two the Point said:


> This was a real situation that occurred with me. My wife's former boyfriend of 7 years, who contacted her out of the blue 15 years after having no contact, called to find out whether she would be attending their class reunion, which was to take place two days after he called.
> 
> She told him that she would not be attending the reunion, but went on to spend 45 minutes speaking with him, "catching up" on what had been going on in their lives since they last spoke 15 years prior.
> 
> ...


Question? So she had the same # since she was with him. I have had 3 different #s in past 20 yrs. Otherwise he should not have her # unless she made it available to him.
I believe it is not proper. My exes werecin past and out of respect for my wife they will remain in the past.

I would not let her go to a class reunion without you. Ole boy was fishing.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Dadto2 said:


> Answer it in front of my spouse and put it on speaker. And let the other person know they are on speaker.


I would not warn them they are on speaker. They should behave, if they do not then address it and hang up and block the caller.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

My XFG called me two nights before my wedding. My mother of all people gave her my number. My fiance answered the phone. I took the phone after my soon to be handed it to me and said, "Hello. I'm getting married in two days. Don't call me ever again." Hung up. The very next day, my XFG got my work number, and called me. I was not in yet. She spoke to a coworker. My coworked said she called. She was "sorry". Mind you this is the idiot who I caught sucking face with OM in her driveway. Sorry for what?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> You have a reason to take the call. She didn't.





Cletus said:


> *People don't cease to exist simply because we dated them once.*
> 
> The disrespect will happen in the future if, now that you have had this conversation, it happens again.


They do for me. Specifically one.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*@Two the Point,*

Going by your original post (OP) on this thread, I would say that your reactions is way over the top. I would not be upset if my spouse received a call from some ex and they talked for 45. My spouse would not be upset is the reverse happened. It actually did happen for both of us more than once. When I first thread the OP on this thread my take was that there is more to the story. And as it turns out that there is more to it. It would have been very helpful to have 'the rest of the story' up front. Your second thread fills us in on that.









Does anyone else experience having difficulty getting...


My wife and I have been married for more than 30 years. When we first met, we were attracted to each other for a variety of reasons, one of which was that we both shared a common value: remaining virgins until we were married. Before I go any further, I respectfully ask that you not hijack...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





Your wife lied to you about her being a virgin before you married her. You have been married more than 30 years. This phone call happens about 11 years into your marriage. So it was over 20 years ago. After that phone call she finally admitted to you that she was not a virgin before she married you and had sex with that boyfriend and a couple of other guys. You have been struggling with retroactive jealousy ever since. Did you really believe that she dated a guy for 7 years and never had sex with him? Really?

While to me, the worse part of this is her lying to you about being a virgin. She clearly believed that you would not be interested in her if she told you the truth and she so lied. Both of you would have benefitted had she no lied to start with. You two would probably not be married. But your children would not exist either. But your retroactive jealousy existed before you found out that she lied. I say that because you were upset by this guy's phone call before you found out that she had sex with him.

How often in the more than 2 decades since that phone call and revelation have you and your wife argued about that phone call and her sexual past? 

So now it's more than 30 years since her original not telling the truth. It's 20 some years since you found out the truth and since that phone call. At some point for your own sanity you need to come to term with this. Either accept that your wife lied and forgive her, or divorce her. Hanging on to something like this for decades is not good.

When a person holds on to something like this for years, something that they can use as a bat to proverbially beat their spouse over the head with when it suits them usually means that they are getting something from having this 'retroactive jealously' and their inability to forgive her for lying in their arsenal of bombs they can throw at her when they want to gain the upper hand. My suggestion is that you get some individual counseling to figure out why you have this retroactive jealous (OCD), what purpose serves for you, and why you will not forgive her, and move on.

Also, there is an issue in the OP on this thread. This phone call happened over 20 years ago. You say that the calling phone number and name appeared on your TV screen. Did the capability exist over 30 years ago for phone calls to be routed through our TVs? 



Two the Point said:


> - The name of the caller comes up on the TV screen, and you see that it's an out-of-the-blue call from someone you had dated for 7 years, parted ways with amicably, and hadn't had contact with in 15 years. Your spouse recognizes that name, and knows that it's someone you had dated for 7 years.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I would probably have one formal conversation 45 mins seems fine and tell my wife about it. I would leave it at that though.

I would be fine if my wife did the same. I would expect her to tell me, and not hide it.
I am not the jealous type. My ego is too large. I figure if my wife wants to blow it, it's her loss. I will find someone else.

This doesn't apply to your lying wife by the way. If my wife did what yours did, I would be out so fast she would forget what I looked like.

My count was very low by the way and I believe my wife's too, this was an important thing we talked about.

Finally I think part of your problem is that you think your issue is with Jealousy but it's really with the fact that your wife defrauded you. It also sounds like this injustice was never addressed by her. You are not going to get better unless you deal with that. 

And if you plan on staying together part of that is her understanding (admitting she understand what it meant to you, if she didn't she wouldn't have lied about it in the first place) and asking for forgiveness. Not blaming you for it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Two the Point said:


> This was a real situation that occurred with me. My wife's former boyfriend of 7 years, who contacted her out of the blue 15 years after having no contact, called to find out whether she would be attending their class reunion, which was to take place two days after he called.
> 
> She told him that she would not be attending the reunion, but went on to spend 45 minutes speaking with him, "catching up" on what had been going on in their lives since they last spoke 15 years prior.
> 
> ...


The EX-he made the call, not OP's wife. Forty five minutes is a long time to talk about the past and the present.
However, she did it in front of you, and not behind your back.

Thank God.

...................................................................................

How did the EX get your home number?

...................................................................................

I am the jealous type, and I would not have liked it one bit.

Would I have said anything?
Nope, not a word.

I would not give either any satisfaction that it bothered me.

...................................................................................

I trust people until they give me a reason not to.

After this encounter, I would have my antenna up and ready for any more in-or-out signaling.
I would dust off my detectives hat. Be vigilant, not paranoid.

Him, asking her if she was going to the Class Reunion was him planting a seed.
Her, talking to him for that long told him that her soil might indeed be fertile.

................................................................................

Do not make a big deal about it, (more than you already have).

...............................................................................

In all fairness most people would be as curious as she. But, most would cut the conversation short, especially since the spouse was listening in.

..............................................................................

Affairs with Exes are the easiest to start.
Both have met in person, and they have already been intimate with each other.
It will not be a new affair, rather a continuation of what they had before.

Seven years together, has left each with multiple memorable handles that each can readily grab and pull the other closer.


_THRD-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> You have a reason to take the call. She didn't.


You or she did not know that. 

It could have been a serious call, someone died or is in the hospital, something along those lines.
Fear the Devil, not familiar mortals.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Imagirl said:


> There is no reason to be talking to an ex. I either wouldn't answer or let my man answer on my behalf. On the off chance it was something important voicemail would handle it.


No reason to be talking to an ex? My ex, my only relationship prior to my wife, remains a friend (after 43 years) of both my wife and I. Don't get me wrong though; after we broke up and I met my to-be wife, my ex was persona non grata for a long time, pretty much until my wife and I were invited to her wedding. Since then we've all been good friends and there's no jealousy that I can detect on my wife's part because I've been extremely transparent and open about that relationship. There is nothing to hide, there was nothing hidden. It was a major part of my life for two years and my wife knows that and it's no big deal.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Two the Point said:


> This was a real situation that occurred with me. My wife's former boyfriend of 7 years, who contacted her out of the blue 15 years after having no contact, called to find out whether she would be attending their class reunion, which was to take place two days after he called.
> 
> She told him that she would not be attending the reunion, but went on to spend 45 minutes speaking with him, "catching up" on what had been going on in their lives since they last spoke 15 years prior.
> 
> ...


This is how most affairs with previous BF/GF start.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

It could also be that she seeing him as the one that got away.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Way too inapropriate and disrespectful to have a 45-minuter phone conversation with an ex - it doesn't matter if they were together 7 years or 7 days.
She has no business in being with him in such a long conversation.

I wonder if she hadn't gotten over him when she married you. Makes her sounds like she feels some sort of nostalgia for the time they were together and she has a hard time being indifferent.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Two the Point said:


> Did I overreact and let my jealousy get in the way of my thinking rationally about this?
> 
> Did I offend my wife by acting as if I didn't trust her?


No, I don’t think you over reacted. She needs to know how you feel about it and that it shouldn’t happen again. If there is no more contact, drop it, it’s over with. If it happens again, then you have issues to address.


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