# Partner still in touch with ex girlfriend



## AnyaM (Apr 12, 2021)

So, our relationship started when he was still with his previous girlfriend. I was single, he was not. I have managed to make my peace with this. Which I'm sure I will get slated for on her. However, my problem is, because he still feels the guilt for what he did, he is still in touch with her, almost on a daily basis. He doesn't understand why I'm not happy with it. He says he loves me, I believe him. I also believe him 100% that he is not interested in her romatically. When they text each other, she always initiates it. But he will always reply, even if it is just with a hug emoji. She has in the past shared these messages with my ex-husband and his friends (we live in a small community), so my kids have all questioned me about his integrity, which puts doubt in my mind. She will, and has in the past sent inappropriate messages to him, or sexy memes. She still tells him that she cares about it. It is not reciprocated, but he always send a hug emoji or something similar. 
It is driving me crazy, jealous crazy. I want him to stop. We have spoken about it and he knows how much it upsets me. It is sometimes all I can think about. I just don't know what to do. Should I confront him again? Should I confront her? Has anybody else had to deal with this. I do believe that she is out to cause trouble for us, break us up if possible. I don't trust her at all. She has left all his photos on her face book because she has heard it annoys me.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

It’s not the ex that you shouldn’t trust. It’s your cheating boyfriend who has shown you that he doesn’t give a damn about your feelings. 
Can you not see what everyone else can?


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## AnyaM (Apr 12, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> It’s not the ex that you shouldn’t trust. It’s your cheating boyfriend who has shown you that he doesn’t give a damn about your feelings.
> Can you not see what everyone else can?


So what should I do? Give him an ultimatum? Talk to him calmly again? I was thinking of having a discussion about boundaries, something we've never really done.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

It’s too late for talking in my opinion. Give him his marching orders.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

AnyaM said:


> So, our relationship started when he was still with his previous girlfriend. I was single, he was not. I have managed to make my peace with this. Which I'm sure I will get slated for on her. However, my problem is, because he still feels the guilt for what he did, he is still in touch with her, almost on a daily basis. He doesn't understand why I'm not happy with it. He says he loves me, I believe him. I also believe him 100% that he is not interested in her romatically. When they text each other, she always initiates it. But he will always reply, even if it is just with a hug emoji. She has in the past shared these messages with my ex-husband and his friends (we live in a small community), so my kids have all questioned me about his integrity, which puts doubt in my mind. She will, and has in the past sent inappropriate messages to him, or sexy memes. She still tells him that she cares about it. It is not reciprocated, but he always send a hug emoji or something similar.
> It is driving me crazy, jealous crazy. I want him to stop. We have spoken about it and he knows how much it upsets me. It is sometimes all I can think about. I just don't know what to do. Should I confront him again? Should I confront her? Has anybody else had to deal with this. I do believe that she is out to cause trouble for us, break us up if possible. I don't trust her at all. She has left all his photos on her face book because she has heard it annoys me.


I would not tolerate that personally. Just let him know that the expectation is he cease communication with her. If he does not stop, maybe it's time for him to get back with her, since he feels so guilty about it now. I would certainly let him know that.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

His idea of what a Relationship is is not the same as yours and he is not as invested in the relationship as you are. 

He is still spinning plates and at very minimum is keeping her on the shelf in reserve. 

Is this what you want in a relationship and is this where you want to be?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

AnyaM said:


> #1- However, my problem is, because he still feels the guilt for what he did, he is still in touch with her, almost on a daily basis.
> 
> #2- He doesn't understand why I'm not happy with it.
> 
> # 3- He says he loves me,


#1 - it’s not guilt. It’s because he wants to.

#2- Really?????? You’re involved with someone that clueless??

#3 - Anyone can say anything. Reality is what someone does.


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## AnyaM (Apr 12, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> His idea of what a Relationship is is not the same as yours and he is not as invested in the relationship as you are.
> 
> He is still spinning plates and at very minimum is keeping her on the shelf in reserve.
> 
> Is this what you want in a relationship and is this where you want to be?


No, I want someone who is fully committed to me. I really don't think it is because he is keeping his options open. It's not that. I honestly think it is because he doesn't see the problem with being friends with an ex. He is still friends with all his ex's on fb, although he doesn't text. He says it's the one and only time he has cheated on somebody, although he has been cheated on before. I have big trust issues too which is why I check his phone, but this is starting to be a bit of an obsession with me. I check his messages 4 or 5 times a day, only to look at his messages with his ex. So I don't know how to approach these texts because I'll have to admit that I'm checking his phone.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

He sure has shown you're not his first priority. Time to get some serious decision making coffee brewing.


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## AnyaM (Apr 12, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> #1 - it’s not guilt. It’s because he wants to.
> 
> #2- Really?????? You’re involved with someone that clueless??
> 
> #3 - Anyone can say anything. Reality is what someone does.


I think you might be right. He still wants to be in touch because she was so much a part of his life. I need to confront this. Otherwise it will destroy our relationship, if it hasn't already.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Why did their relationship fail? What was the issue?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I couldn't care less. He is with you, not her.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Why did their relationship fail? What was the issue?


The issue was that he could not keep it in his pants.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> The issue was that he could not keep it in his pants.


I asked her a question though and I'd like to hear the answer. Or are you a close personal friend and she asked you to answer for her?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

So your mad that she is doing what you did to her?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Now do you believe in the phrase "If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you"?

Even your kids think you're being taken for a ride. Some would say you're getting your just dessert.


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## AnyaM (Apr 12, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Why did their relationship fail? What was the issue?


They had drifted apart. She had taken on a new business which took up all of her time. He was taking early retirement and wanted more out of life then to be stuck at home by himself. We had known each other for over 20 years and when we bumped into each other, he started telling me how unhappy he was but felt he was stuck in the relationship. Our friendship turned into something move. He told me he loved me within a few weeks. We were never physical until they had seperated.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> I asked her a question though and I'd like to hear the answer. Or are you a close personal friend and she asked you to answer for her?


This is the last time I try and help you...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

AnyaM said:


> So, our relationship started when he was still with his previous girlfriend. I was single, he was not. I have managed to make my peace with this. Which I'm sure I will get slated for on her. However, my problem is, because he still feels the guilt for what he did, he is still in touch with her, almost on a daily basis. He doesn't understand why I'm not happy with it. He says he loves me, I believe him. I also believe him 100% that he is not interested in her romatically. When they text each other, she always initiates it. But he will always reply, even if it is just with a hug emoji. She has in the past shared these messages with my ex-husband and his friends (we live in a small community), so my kids have all questioned me about his integrity, which puts doubt in my mind. She will, and has in the past sent inappropriate messages to him, or sexy memes. She still tells him that she cares about it. It is not reciprocated, but he always send a hug emoji or something similar.
> It is driving me crazy, jealous crazy. I want him to stop. We have spoken about it and he knows how much it upsets me. It is sometimes all I can think about. I just don't know what to do. Should I confront him again? Should I confront her? Has anybody else had to deal with this. I do believe that she is out to cause trouble for us, break us up if possible. I don't trust her at all. She has left all his photos on her face book because she has heard it annoys me.


You don't trust HER at all? Hmmm. You can't be trusted either. Nor can he. This is the sort of mess that happens when you steal someone else's guy. She was very hurt and has no reason to like you.
Cheaters always lie about their relationship being bad, I bet she didn't see it that way. How long had they been together?​Jumping from one person to another didn't give him time to cut those ties either.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

AnyaM said:


> They had drifted apart. She had taken on a new business which took up all of her time. He was taking early retirement and wanted more out of life then to be stuck at home by himself. We had known each other for over 20 years and when we bumped into each other, he started telling me how unhappy he was but felt he was stuck in the relationship. Our friendship turned into something move. He told me he loved me within a few weeks. We were never physical until they had seperated.


So their relationship had reached an impasse. Whether or not she's a nice person, he's not in a relationship with her anymore and he needs to cut it off. Different people have different tolerance levels for exes, mine personally is that I'd need there to be no more contact, he's have to inform her, or else I'd be out of the relationship.

What's your tolerance level?


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## AnyaM (Apr 12, 2021)

Livvie said:


> So their relationship had reached an impasse. Whether or not she's a nice person, he's not in a relationship with her anymore and he needs to cut it off. Different people have different tolerance levels for exes, mine personally is that I'd need there to be no more contact, he's have to inform her, or else I'd be out of the relationship.
> 
> What's your tolerance level?


Unfortunately extremely high tolerance. It's something I'm working on, but doormat comes to mind. But I do have my limits.


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## AnyaM (Apr 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> You don't trust HER at all? Hmmm. You can't be trusted either. Nor can he. This is the sort of mess that happens when you steal someone else's guy. She was very hurt and has no reason to like you.
> Cheaters always lie about their relationship being bad, I bet she didn't see it that way. How long had they been together?​Jumping from one person to another didn't give him time to cut those ties either.


Good point. Maybe it's just karma.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Your chances of getting what you want out of this relationship are zero or close to it. He would have to change who he is at his core (a cheater). The reason you don't trust him is you can't trust him. You really need to take a hard look at yourself. As @Mr.Married said, "You're mad that she is doing [to you] what you did to her." That statement is very important. You need to spend some time in front of a mirror. You can find happiness in life, but it's unlikely you will find it in this very broken relationship. Work on it if that's what you want, but don't waste your life waiting for a miracle.


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## AnyaM (Apr 12, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Now do you believe in the phrase "If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you"?
> 
> Even your kids think you're being taken for a ride. Some would say you're getting your just dessert.


Part of me agrees with the phrase you've quoted. But life is never quite that black and white. As for my kids, they are being poisened by my ex husband, their dad, who is a vicious, nasty piece of work. He didn't want me, but will never be happy for anybody else to have me either, or for me to be happy. He ruined me financially and caused huge problems with so many people because of his nasty tounge.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

AnyaM said:


> Part of me agrees with the phrase you've quoted. But life is never quite that black and white. As for my kids, they are being poisened by my ex husband, their dad, who is a vicious, nasty piece of work. He didn't want me, but will never be happy for anybody else to have me either, or for me to be happy. He ruined me financially and caused huge problems with so many people because of his nasty tounge.


Stealing someone else's SO and cheating with him only to then be alarmed that he is a cheater does not seem like a good solution to your problem with your ex-husband. These matters need to be handled independently. Are you in counseling? You may want to consider individual counseling. You have a problem picking men.


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## AnyaM (Apr 12, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Your chances of getting what you want out of this relationship is zero or close to it. He would have to change who he is at his core (a cheater). The reason you don't trust him is you can't trust him. You really need to take a hard look at yourself. As @Mr.Married said, "You're mad that she is doing [to you] what you did to her." That statement is very important. You need to spend some time in front of a mirror. You can find happiness in life, but it's unlikely you will find it in this very broken relationship. Work on it if that's what you want, but don't waste your life waiting for a miracle.


Ok thank you for being so truthfull. I need time to think. I read a lot of self helf books, I've been in some very low places in the past and always strive to figure out why I'm feeling so low. I read that you need to learn how to forgive yourself and this was to acknowledge that whatever ripple effect happened because of a choice I had made, could turn into a very positive reaction down the line for other people involved. So basically, even though I played my part in breaking their relationship, I have to belive that they were both very unhappy anyway, and now she has a chance to find true happiness with somebody that really cares for her, whereas she could have been stuck in a boring stale relationship for the rest of her life.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

AnyaM said:


> I have to belive that they were both very unhappy anyway,* and now she has a chance to find true happiness with somebody that really cares for her,* whereas she could have been stuck in a boring stale relationship for the rest of her life.


I'm guessing you have to believe this to assuage your guilt. It may very well be that you did her a favor - she, obviously, isn't seeing it that way.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> I'm guessing you have to believe this to assuage your guilt. It may very well be that you did her a favor - she, obviously, isn't seeing it that way.


I was just getting ready to reply with the same sentence. Them being unhappy was none of your business. All you know is what he told you. What he told you is what he wanted you to hear. 

I'm not trying to be mean, but you're in denial as to who you are and as to the potential for this relationship. The problem is not your husband or your ex-husband, the problem is what you are willing to accept.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

But... if he really wanted her, he would be with her, not you, Anya. I know it's annoying, but you clearly have a problem with your jealousy. And it will destroy your relationship. You can see his phone anytime, so he's been open with you. He left her for you, don't forget this.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> But... if he really wanted her, he would be with her, not you, Anya. I know it's annoying, but you clearly have a problem with your jealousy. And it will destroy your relationship. You can see his phone anytime, so he's been open with you. He left her for you, don't forget this.


Sure. What guy wouldn't want two fish on the hook? What could go wrong?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> But... if he really wanted her, he would be with her, not you, Anya. I know it's annoying, but you clearly have a problem with your jealousy. And it will destroy your relationship. You can see his phone anytime, so he's been open with you. He left her for you, don't forget this.


Said one doormat to another......


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

It's not a matter of being a "doormat" here


Sfort said:


> Sure. What guy wouldn't want two fish on the hook? What could go wrong?


She picked a cheater, now she has to live with the consequences. The solution is really simple: she is not happy? She can dump him. He is not going to change.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Said one doormat to another......


At least I don't have squishy arms.


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## AnyaM (Apr 12, 2021)

Wow, I knew there would be some straight talking here. I'm guessing none of you are councillors. Maybe I can recommend some self help books for some of you. There is a lot of anger here. Perhaps some of you are bringing your own experiences and how they have affected you when giving advice.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Has he mentioned a threesome yet?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

AnyaM said:


> Wow, I knew there would be some straight talking here. I'm guessing none of you are councillors. Maybe I can recommend some self help books for some of you. There is a lot of anger here. Perhaps some of you are bringing your own experiences and how they have affected you when giving advice.


Your guess would be wrong although I'm sure you can find some counsellors who will agree with you. If you don't want straight talk, you came to the wrong place. A lot of people here have been hurt to the point of having their lives destroyed. Their experiences will certainly be reflected in their responses. They genuinely are trying to help.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

AnyaM said:


> Wow, I knew there would be some straight talking here. I'm guessing none of you are councillors. Maybe I can recommend some self help books for some of you. There is a lot of anger here. Perhaps some of you are bringing your own experiences and how they have affected you when giving advice.


If you listen to other posters on here, you will get some tough love. But it is worth trying to absorb and consider whether there is some validity to what folks are saying here. Your ability to absorb things is based on your own experiences - your brain tends to shy away from uncomfortable truths but the reality is, you cannot really address underlying issues if you don't accept the uncomfortable parts of who you are as a person. TAM has helped me a lot over the years, partially because they do not have the diplomatic language of a counselor. But they will also not mince words. Sometimes that's good.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

AnyaM said:


> Wow, I knew there would be some straight talking here. I'm guessing none of you are councillors. Maybe I can recommend some self help books for some of you. There is a lot of anger here. Perhaps some of you are bringing your own experiences and how they have affected you when giving advice.


You will never find sympathy for cheaters here, although you are not strictly one, you are seen as "the other woman", so still responsible. But you are also seeing a cultural clash, regarding the "straight talking"... good luck (just been called doormat myself)


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

AnyaM said:


> Wow, I knew there would be some straight talking here. I'm guessing none of you are councillors. Maybe I can recommend some self help books for some of you. There is a lot of anger here. Perhaps some of you are bringing your own experiences and how they have affected you when giving advice.


I am not sure that many people generally think well of a person who goes after someone else's partner. Also relationships that begin with cheating rarely last.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

OP was single. Her now boyfriend had a girlfriend, and the relationship was stale. He ended that relationship before it became physical with OP. 

Isn't part of dating deciding if the relationship is going to work for you and if you want to commit to marriage? He wasn't married. He fell for someone else and broke up with his girlfriend. The timing was unfortunate, but some things in life aren't perfect, and he ended the prior relationship before anything physical happened.

People don't live in a vacuum and sometimes people with a girlfriend develop feelings for someone else when their current relationship is in the decline.

There have been posters here who met their current spouse that way and they weren't hurled the negativity this poster has been. And she was single when this happened!


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

OP, while in a relationship I don't tolerate ex-bf contact. I don't contact my ex's and I expect the same in return. If you've had this discussion with him and he's not choosing to consider your feelings then there is a problem. He does not respect your boundaries and he doesn't have the incentive to. He is currently keeping his options open.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

AnyaM said:


> I really don't think it is because he is keeping his options open. It's not that.


Yes it *IS *that.

A little lesson in Menology May be in order here.

Men are very basic and simple creatures. When it comes to women, men are pretty binary. 

Women that a man isn’t interested in and does not want to have sex with are basically invisible to him or just background noise at best to him. He won’t expend any time, energy or money on anyone he doesn’t want to hook up with. 

And if there is some gal that he is completely into and committed to, he could come home at the end of the day to find a dozen naked Swedish porn stars all writhing around in his front yard all begging for his schlong and he will step over them to get in the house to be with HIS woman. 

So the fact that he is still in kahoots with this women and still engaging in some form or emotionally charged interaction with her is because he has not cut the cord with her. He still has her on reserve ready to step in at any moment. 

He is keeping her as your understudy and pinch hitter.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> OP was single. Her now boyfriend had a girlfriend, and the relationship was stale. He ended that relationship before it became physical with OP.
> 
> Isn't part of dating deciding if the relationship is going to work for you and if you want to commit to marriage? He wasn't married. He fell for someone else and broke up with his girlfriend. The timing was unfortunate, but some things in life aren't perfect, and he ended the prior relationship before anything physical happened.
> 
> ...


He could have ended the relationship but didn't until she came along. People always lie about their relationship when they meet someone else. She clearly wasn't that bad if he is contact with her every day and a relationship going stale isn't an excuse to cheat on the one you are living with.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Benbutton said:


> OP, while in a relationship I don't tolerate ex-bf contact. I don't contact my ex's and I expect the same in return. If you've had this discussion with him and he's not choosing to consider your feelings then there is a problem. He does not respect your boundaries and he doesn't have the incentive to. He is currently keeping his options open.


It's pretty clear he has weak boundaries all round.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sorry if this has been asked and answered already but did they live together?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> He could have ended the relationship but didn't until she came along. People always lie about their relationship when they meet someone else. She clearly wasn't that bad if he is contact with her every day and a relationship going stale isn't an excuse to cheat on the one you are living with.


Oh please. You have no idea about the timeline of how he was feeling about the relationship. He grew to have feelings for OP, he ended his relationship. Seems okay to me. **** happens. They weren't married and their life goals and way they wanted to live life wasn't compatible. That's what dating is for, to see if you want this to be your life partner. He didn't see that happening with his then girlfriend.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Oh please. You have no idea about the timeline of how he was feeling about the relationship. He grew to have feelings for OP, he ended his relationship. Seems okay to me. **** happens. They weren't married and their life goals and way they wanted to live life wasn't compatible. That's what dating is for, to see if you want this to be your life partner. He didn't see that happening with his then girlfriend.


I suspect it was far more than dating. Couples who move in together are usually serious. I did ask how long they had been together and another poster has asked if they were living together so we will see.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> I suspect it was far more than dating. Couples who move in together are usually serious. I did ask how long they had been together and another poster has asked if they were living together so we will see.


What does it matter? The relationship wasn't a good fit so the man ended it.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

We have a saying in our culture, it sort of translates like this, ‘The thief is forever scared that everybody will steal his money’.

You have made many assumptions about what he needed and what she needed and what she now needs. Only she knows that. That belongs only to her.

I’m sorry for the predicament you’re in. Change your beliefs and thoughts about everything. It’s time.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> But... if he really wanted her, he would be with her, not you, Anya. I know it's annoying, but you clearly have a problem with your jealousy. And it will destroy your relationship. You can see his phone anytime, so he's been open with you. He left her for you, don't forget this.


Sorry but this is 100% the WRONG answer. Are you really this clueless? Oh wait...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Honey, you don't trust him because you know you can't. You know this because he cheated with you. Deep down in your core, you know this.

Relationships that start from infidelity have less than 5% chance of going long term, and the ones that do are fraught with mistrust and anxiety.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I wouldn't believe that there's nothing going on between them or that there couldn't be because the first time you have some kind of falling out and he knows he's got welcoming arms to run to for the night. It's not like he just left her and then went looking for someone else. He cheated on her with you. 

He knows it bothers you and he still won't stop. At a bare minimum he enjoys knowing he's got her on the string and finds it flattering and ego boosting.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Sorry but this is 100% the WRONG answer. Are you really this clueless? Oh wait...


I couldn't care less about your opinion.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I would just add that since she was the one cheated on who, in her mind, had her man stolen away from her, she really has no reason to feel bad about going after him still, although it shows very poor judgment on her part to want to take the cheater back. Of course there is an outside chance that that is not what's going on and that they actually had a good friend foundation. But in my mind that would be more one way because men usually want to have sex if they like a woman at all.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

A guy who cheats on his girlfriend with you is probably going to cheat on you. He most likely is. 

Let him go, learn from it, and next time be more selective, meaning that you limit yourself to single guys.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> men usually want to have sex if they like a woman at all.


Or even if they don't like her at all.


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