# Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me



## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You need to see a therapist and probably also attend a 12 step group called Sex And Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)

https://slaafws.org/


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

Thanks for reading.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You know what you are doing is totally wrong and you are hurting those you are supposed to love. You seem to have some sort of compulsive behaviour, you need to seek help from a professional sooner than later and if your BH allows, start to make amends to him.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Get therapy.

Like... _today_.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

It's time to pursue that counseling you felt was beneath you. You definitely have addiction(s) to deal with.
You need to fix YOU. No one else can do it. You owe it to your husband and daughter. You are very lucky that your husband is so forgiving. Someday his patience will run out, and all you will be left with are Phantom friends and meaningless thumbs up.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

If you cut your fingers off, you wont be able to type.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Thank you for a fascinating insight into the mind of a cheater. 



Herschel said:


> If you cut your fingers off, you wont be able to type.


Unfortunately you will trigger many betrayed posters on here and get a lot of harsh feedback, but I am not one of them.



Itwasjustafantasy said:


> My husband had told me in more than one occasion that he had no issue with me being on facebook and that as long as I didn't let it take over my life all would be well. So back on facebook I went about a couple of months ago. My BH also agreed that it was time to unblock OM and see whether I could handle it and keep myself from reaching out to him. Big mistake.


When I first read this part I thought "Wow that was really stupid of your husband to advise you to go back on FB and unblock the other man".

Now I realize your husband is much smarter than either one of us realized.

Now let's face it.. therapy is at best a slow, arduous, and mostly ineffective process. It can take years if ever to see appreciable results, at this point in your life it may very well be futile, and probably not cheap either.

Why not just stay single going forward and have some fun with your life? The sort of guys you'll be meeting will be just fine with being flattered and having some easy noncommitted sex, and you'll get the validation you seek.

Seems like win/win.

PS you can probably get a moderator to undelete your old thread if you ask nicely.


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

Herschel said:


> If you cut .


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

browser said:


> Why not just stay single going forward and have some fun with your life? The sort of guys you'll be meeting will be just fine with being flattered and having some easy noncommitted sex, and you'll get the validation you seek.
> 
> Seems like win/win.
> 
> PS you can probably get a moderator to undelete your old thread if you ask nicely.


Except I have a daughter to think about and at this point I cannot say I have done everything in my power to try to salvage my marriage. In fact Ive made no effort.

Also I know that I like to fantasize about other men but I do not really want to have a sexual relationship with them.

I appreciate your feedback


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I totally agree with your brother.

I also think divorce is the right move. For both of you.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> Except I have a daughter to think about and at this point I cannot say I have done everything in my power to try to salvage my marriage. In fact Ive made no effort.
> 
> Also I know that I like to fantasize about other men but I do not really want to have a sexual relationship with them.
> 
> I appreciate your feedback


Oh, my bad I realize that I assumed incorrectly that your husband was finished after your recent update and latest online transgression because he said you "left him with no choice". After all you've done, I'm wondering if he needs assistance locating his testicles. 

Well if it IS over at some point and if I was your husband I'd like to think I'd have the strength to walk away- it's not really going to affect your daughter if you have these online things and use discretion- heck it's just typing on a keyboard; especially if you don't want the sex and just want to do it for the flattery and attention then I'm not seeing the problem. If anything you're doing the world a favor by occupying these loser guys who go after married woman.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Herschel said:


> If you cut your fingers off, you wont be able to type.


If she cuts her fingers off, how's she going to cut the rest of her fingers off?

Think about it.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Have you asked your husband what he wants? From what you have written, it sounds like he is done and wants out. But that may just be an angry reaction to you reverting to old behavior. I think he was testing you to see if he could trust you to be friends with men on FaceBook.

What do you want? Do you want to save your marriage? If so why?

Sit down and have an honest talk with your husband including your opinion of why you seek attention of men on FB.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

You are terribly broken and first step to repairing that is seeing it within yourself. Fixing it is a struggle. I don't think you are blessed with enough time to fix it before you can fix your marriage, and I REALLY don't think YOUR problems can be solved in the marriage. 

You are an EGO kibble addict. You want adoration and you are empty. You need to go off the ego high, your husband needs to separate and YOU NEED TO BE ALONE. not talking to other men. Like...at all if possible. Stick with your family and work on yourself. Find something else to fill that void. A hobby or something that gives you more pride, because once you age and no one calls you pretty you are setting yourself up for a future fall where you feel you amount to nothing. You base your value on what others think of you. Specifically men, you need IC to get to the bottom of the problem. It is indeed right that you call out your family for not supporting him. He did not do wrong, because you kept doing that bad thing, over and over.... Your brother misses this point. Embarrassment is exactly what you need to shock you into reality. 

You have made a WONDERFUL first step by coming back and discussing your problems again. Its never too late to fix yourself. But it MAY be too late for the marriage.


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> You need to see a therapist and probably also attend a 12 step group called Sex And Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)
> 
> https://slaafws.org/


Thank you.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> Thank you. They do have some articles I have started reading and I do see a lot of it rings true. Overal this might be helpful except for the fact that I am an atheist.
> But again thanks.


Religious based support groups can be very helpful even for the nonreligious, you just need to disregard the religious based aspects of it. I am not speaking from personal experience here, rather from knowing someone very well who is an athiest and benefited from AA in particular.


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

TDSC60 said:


> Have you asked your husband what he wants? From what you have written, it sounds like he is done and wants out. But that may just be an angry reaction to you reverting to old behavior. I think he was testing you to see if he could trust you to be friends with men on FaceBook.
> 
> What do you want? Do you want to save your marriage? If so why?
> 
> Sit down and have an honest talk with your husband including your opinion of why you seek attention of men on FB.


Browser, this may address your comment about whether my husband is done with me.
I cannot tell to be honest. The thing is every single time he has found out about my transgressions (4 x or so) I have gone into panic mode and sort of stop my behavior immediately out of fear of losing him. But he has told me this before and rightfully so, that every time he feels like he can relax and no longer has to be monitoring my every move (which is limited to facebook/messanger as I do not exchange any other information like my address, phone number, email address) within days I go back to my old ways.
What i think is something we talk about several months ago and that is that he would stay with me as to minimize disrupting our daughter's life. Not long before my jnitial transgression we were living like roommates anyways (mostly my fault, I was chronically depressed).
Honestly I do not know what i want. I think my whole life I've lived it trying to do what I believe I should do even when I may have been dissatisfied. 
I never imagined a life without my husband and our daughter. That is definitely what i do not want. I want the three of us healthy and happy...but perhaps I have to accept that Ido not have it in me to be a decent wife.
Ideally I want to keep my marriage and be happy. When my initiak EA was discovered H and I were forced to look at pur marriage and accept the fact that we had been largely unhappy. Of course I never let him blame himself and he never did do that for my cheating. But we finally used that as a way of starting over. I was at the time still cosleeping with my daughter and so the first thing we did was to change the sleeping arrangement. I realized that both he and I missed our time together. We had practically none. We both work full time jobs with very long commute times and we are basically just caring for our daughter every free moment. So we essentially have an incredibly short amount of time where we are not exhausted and actually excited to spend time together.
In sum, when we have good times and we laugh and we share an inside joke and we take long walks and talk about us, I feel so very close to him and want nothing to get in our way. However life is not made up of just those silly happy moments and it seems that the minute I am not getting his attention and adoration I give up...
Sorry that went longer than I expected. For now my husband has asked that I try to leave him alkne for the whole weekend. He is extremely angry which is something so unlike him. He wants revange and has told me he will contact some women he knows on facebook just so I feel the same pain I put him through. I do not know, I do not want a miserable marriage. I do not want him avoiding me. Of course it scares and bothers me that he would pursue other women. I hate to know that I am pushing him to do that. I am not excusing his behavior but I can understand how the agony he is in could cause him to go against his own ethics and morality.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well if that is your husbands solution to the problem, maybe you just need to end things. That's the way a 2 year old would react - "You broke MY toy so now I'm gonna break YOURS." It sounds like things might be broken beyond repair.

You will have far more success working on yourself without him pulling stunts like that.

Oh, and SLAA and other 12 step groups tell you that if you aren't Christian, you choose whatever higher power works for you and approach things that way. My husband is in SA and that's what he does


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> I never imagined a life without my husband and our daughter. That is definitely what i do not want. I want the three of us healthy and happy


It's time to start thinking about what he wants not what you want, because what you want-your marriage and also be able to do all these online mini affairs or whatever cannot coexist. 



Itwasjustafantasy said:


> For now my husband has asked that I try to leave him alkne for the whole weekend.


So, leave him alone. I know you're a mess, you want to talk to him and have him tell you everything will be ok. Well it may not be ok, and you're just going to have to suck it up until he's ready to deal with you, if ever.



Itwasjustafantasy said:


> He is extremely angry which is something so unlike him. He wants revange and has told me he will contact some women he knows on facebook just so I feel the same pain I put him through.


He's speaking out of anger and frustration because he doesn't have the balls to walk away so he feels trapped. Maybe he'll go chat with other women as some sort of "online mini revenge affair" which will of course accomplish nothing but it may satisfy him temporarily which may buy you some time to try to fix what's broken inside of you although I have my doubts about you achieving effective results any time soon, you simply have no self control or filter and the bulk of what you write is all about your wants and needs, little to nothing about him, only about what he might do to you because of how he feels. 



Itwasjustafantasy said:


> I do not know, I do not want a miserable marriage. I do not want him avoiding me.


It's no longer about what you want or don't want. The only decision within your own control right now is to divorce him, if you aren't willing to do that then it's up to him.



Itwasjustafantasy said:


> Of course it scares and bothers me that he would pursue other women. I hate to know that I am pushing him to do that. I am not excusing his behavior but I can understand how the agony he is in could cause him to go against his own ethics and morality.


While you're waiting around and wondering what he's up to, do some Google searches on karma.


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

browser said:


> It's time to start thinking about what he wants not what you want, because what you want (your marriage and also be able to do all these online mini affairs or whatever.
> 
> It's no longer about what you want or don't want. The only decision within your own control right now is to divorce him, if you aren't willing to do that then it's up to him.
> 
> While you're waiting around and wondering what he's up to, do some Google searches on karma.


Thanks for your feedback. I believe the right thing to do would be to divorce him...that is what I should do. My husband may be the one who woud initiate that. And I do know it is not what I want so I will not get in his way. I want to beg him to stay with me but that would be pure manipulation on my part. I've done enough of that. I want my marriage to work but only if such is what we both want.

I am tired of hearing myself say that I am sorry because it is obviously meaningless. I will give him his space and won't try to keep him from doing whatever he thinks would help him. I cannot control what he doesjust like unfortunately he couldn't do with me.

Your final paragraph confuses me a bit. Sorry not only English is not my first language but also I am not very good at picking up nuances or sarcasm or anything that could lend itself to misinterpretation. What do you mean to Google "Karma"? I do have a general idea of what it means. I am a staunch skeptic and I do not believe in anything spiritual or extrasensorial or without any scientific basis. But please if you care to share more abot it I am willing to listen.
Thanks again.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> What do you mean to Google "Karma"? I do have a general idea of what it means. I am a staunch skeptic and I do not believe in anything spiritual or extrasensorial or without any scientific basis. But please if you care to share more abot it I am willing to listen.
> Thanks again.


I don't believe in anything spiritual or extrasensorial either. I'm an athiest and skeptic in the truest sense of the word; I think astrology and psychics and life after death and ghosts and all of that paranormal phenomena is complete and utter BS.

_Karma: means action, work or deed; it also refers to the spiritual principle of cause and effect where intent and actions of an individual (cause) influence the future of that individual (effect)._

Ok, now that I look closer, I realize the word "spiritual" is in the commonly accepted definition. So leave the word out, to me it just means your actions can come back to bite you and in your case they have and continue to do so.


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

browser said:


> Ok, now that I look closer, I realize the word "spiritual" is in the commonly accepted definition. So leave the word out, to me it just means your actions can come back to bite you and in your case they have and continue to do so.


Ok. I understand.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Itwas,

Did you offer to take a polygraph and sign a post nuptial?

He might not believe that you only had EAs.

Tamat


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

Facebook is making you miserable. It is full of people telegraphing their fantasy life to the world. 
It makes you believe that your life is somehow less fulfilled because of this.

Remove facebook and all the other social media from your life and your life it will improve.

Go through every post on Facebook and delete them one by one.
Remove all personal contact details from facebook and replace it with generic information
Unfriend everybody on Facebook. No explanation, no final messages. Just unfriend.
When every post, every photo, every chat message is deleted then and only then delete your account

Do this for every other social media that you have a significant presence at too. 


Your life will feel quiet and empty for about three days and then all of a sudden you will realize how ridiculous it all was.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

If you were my wife, after all these second chances, we would be done.

Facebook isn't for everyone. It's certainly not for you. Just saying.

Focus on your daughter. Try to be the best mom you can be going forward.


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> Itwas,
> 
> Did you offer to take a polygraph and sign a post nuptial?
> 
> ...


 That's a good observation. 
Thanks for your input.


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## Chas (Apr 2, 2015)

Fantasy, You have come here, bared your soul, exposed yourself to the wolf pack and endured. This must have taken a lot of courage for you to do and it appears you are remorseful and miserable. That said, why not put that much effort into fixing yourself. You need to see a councilor skilled in dealing with your thoughts and emotions to help you overcome your lack of self esteem and need for attention. That has been done many times for people.
All you can do is try to overcome your problems and make yourself a better person for yourself and your daughter. It is up to your husband whether he wants to be with that person or not. You're only going to accomplish that if you stop wallowing in the self pity and start fixing yourself.


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## Tabitha (Jun 17, 2014)

A few questions for you. Have you always been like this? When did you first give in to the temptation to carry flirtation too far? Are you on SSRIs?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Chas said:


> Fantasy, You have come here, bared your soul, exposed yourself to the wolf pack and endured. This must have taken a lot of courage for you to do and it appears you are remorseful and miserable. That said, why not put that much effort into fixing yourself. You need to see a councilor skilled in dealing with your thoughts and emotions to help you overcome your lack of self esteem and need for attention. That has been done many times for people.
> All you can do is try to overcome your problems and make yourself a better person for yourself and your daughter. It is up to your husband whether he wants to be with that person or not. You're only going to accomplish that if you stop wallowing in the self pity and start fixing yourself.


No offense but I hate posts like this, courage is getting help and saving your family, doing the hard thing is not continuing to destroy her innocent daughter's future. There is absolutely nothing courageous posting about it to a bunch of strangers on the internet who have absolutely no bearing or impact on her life. There is no real exposure here, posting here seems to fit into her pattern of living her life inside an internet bubble. 

:banghead:


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I may have missed this - but how old is your daughter?


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## ShatteredStill (Dec 20, 2016)

How old is your daughter? Sorry if you've already answered this & I've missed it. 

At this point I would tell her the truth, in an age appropriate way. If she's young...."Mummy has been doing some bad things & I've hurt Daddy. He needs some grown-up time away from me to think about things. You are the most important thing in his life. He's very sad that he will miss spending Christmas Eve with you. He will be thinking about you all the time as he always does. Both Mummy & Daddy love you very much. If you have any questions,ever, you can ask either of us. We can take lots of photographs for you to show Daddy. He will really enjoy sharing that with you."

"Mummy isn't very well & I've been making some bad decisions but now I'm learning about my illness & I'm going to do everything I can to get better. I'm truly very, very sorry".

Can I ask you how you were feeling BEFORE you started obsessing on Facebook? What was happening in your life? Were you suffering from depression? Had you been going through any major/life-changing experiences?

How do/did you feel about your husband & your relationship? Do you truly 'like' him? You have been aware that having these 'relationships' is a very bad & painful thing. What do/did you tell yourself as you're logging-in? How do you justify it to yourself as you start typing? Although I do recognize that there's an element of 'addiction' here I still believe that's too easy! That's a bit of a cop-out for you really....just like a physical adulterer using the addiction excuse...it wasn't an addiction when you very first started doing it!! You CHOSE to do it. You choose to do it. How do you truly justify it to yourself? What do you say in your head?

The last time you were well aware of the agony you would be inflicting on your husband by betraying him in this way BUT you continued regardless. What was your internal dialogue? WHY?

I do get that you got caught-up in the attention. We all enjoy getting our ego strokes! You made a conscious decision to go back to Facebook & you made a very conscious decision to write & encourage those men. What did you say to yourself to give yourself permission to do this AGAIN?

I've read everything that you've written. I think that YOU need to look a little deeper. I get the psychological analysis that leads to "Why I enjoy that kind of 'high'". That's not what I'm asking. For reasons stated you like it BUT how do you give yourself permission to endulge in the 'high' knowing the pain you will inflict?

An alcoholic or heroin addict would say that they need a fix to stop the physical symptoms of withdrawal. You can't say that....or can you? If you honestly can, WHY?


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

Thanks for the advice.


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

@Itwasjustafantasy Will you delete your Facebook account?

This is action that you can do immediately . While you are actively involved in online relationships your real ones stands no chance of recovery. 

If you want to even start to save your marriage. 

*DELETE FACEBOOK NOW.*


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## Chas (Apr 2, 2015)

Sokillme
No offense intended. Really. Hate my views all you want, but saying she showed NO courage in posting here, taking the 2 x 4's and asking for advice is a start for her and it takes at least a bit of courage to expose yourself on TAM. Why don't you give her some of your sage advise instead of criticizing mine. Where do you propose she get help if not from the internet?


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## ShatteredStill (Dec 20, 2016)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> Thanks for the advice. It will be very useful. My daughter is 8. She is a very sensitive little girl. I think the hardest thing will be to keep myself from crying...I do not want to scare her and of course it wouldn't be fair to her to have to help me cope with my feelings. She needs me as her mother. So I definitely will do my best to stay strong and be a source of comfort for my litle one.



It doesn't matter if you cry a little. My kids are around the same age. I've cried in front of them. I've lost my temper on occasion. They know that I'm not perfect, I'm human! What I ALWAYS do if I make a mistake is apologize & make sure that they feel safe, protected, loved. I always explain (in an age appropriate way) so they can understand that the most important thing isn't 'always getting it right'. It's about 'always trying to put it right & do better in the future'.

I've lived the horrendous ordeal of reading 'Just words' written by my husband to another woman. It's NOT just a fantasy! I think that your husband NEEDS to see that you get, truly get, the agony that you have inflicted. Saying that you're messed-up or broken isn't enough. It wasn't enough for me!!

It made me very angry when my H continued to hurt me, shatter me, whilst moaning on about his inner 'midlife crisis' turmoil. Why? Because it was still all about HIM!! Any guilt or regret or pain he was feeling was NOTHING compared to what I was going through. What HE was/had put me through. He nearly destroyed my FAMILY, the thing I treasure above anything. He destroyed our 'love story', everything that we were, for his own SELFISH needs. I needed to believe that he truly got that because if he doesn't what's to stop him doing it again? As you've shown so far...nothing!! 

You NEED to put your husband's pain above your own. You NEED to show him that you are willing to do anything to put this right. Unfriend every man & person who is not a friend of your marriage from ALL social media. Why on earth are you posting to strangers? I'm a family woman. My only online friends are real friends. Friends don't help you destroy your marriage & family in any way. Get rid of ALL of them! Even girlfriends who encouraged your behavior. You don't need them in your life!

Be strong. Be strong for your family. You can do this!! Please stop putting yourself down & making it seem like something beyond your control. It's NOT! We make choices every single day. Start making good choices & you do that by stopping putting yourself & your problems first. That's what got you into this mess. Put your husband & your child before you. It's a state of mind that's very hard for the depressed & broken to achieve. Depression is incredibly selfish.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Get off of facebook. Now and stay off.

Do not get married again until you can stop hurting your family.

Think about how you would feel if your H cheated on you.

Would that be fine for you?

you are causing your H and your daughter pain with your actions. Get some help from affair recovery.com.

how can you not see that you are hurting both your H and your daughter?

that is very selfish of you.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Itwasjustafantasy, 

I am speaking to you as someone who was a former disloyal spouse, so I've BTDT and have the ability to speak to you maybe as a triggered loyal spouse can not. And one thing stand out to me like a flashing, glaring red light: you do not take personal responsibility for ADULTERY. Oh you don't say it was someone else's fault or say it was the "right" thing to do, but you act like you are not entirely responsible "because you have an addictive personality" or "you have an addiction". In addition, rather than naming it what it is, you skirt around with euphemisms and minimizing phrases like you were "flirting" on FB or "getting an ego boost" or whatever terms you have in your head. 

So #1 I would highly encourage you to stop minimizing what you did. You are not some naive, innocent little waif who went tripping into a minefield over which you have no control and blew off your leg. You did not harmlessly flirt. You did not enjoy "just a fantasy." It was ADULTERY. Say that out loud and embrace the fact that something inside you balanced "the safety of the people I love" vs. "the thrill of adultery" and picked ADULTERY as the winner! Here's why that's important: until you can stop minimizing what you've done, you will spend a lot of time trying to convince others it wasn't all that bad, it didn't go that far, you shouldn't hurt that much, etc. In reality you made a promise to your husband to forsake ALL OTHERS (all...not most, or some). In reality you made a promise to spend your life learning about him and behaving in a loving way toward him (not "staying if I get my needs met" or "... if you make me feel XYZ"). Thus, you are the character of person --right now-- who not only breaks their promises, but also blames others and tries to hurt them in order to feel better about yourself! Now I don't say this necessarily to hurt you or call names, but rather to speak truth and hopefully to shock you that you have sunk that low! Because once you are honest with yourself about how love you have sunk, then you can begin to be honest with yourself and start to do the work to be a better person. As long as you're still lying to yourself "it was just a fantasy" it makes real change impossible. 

#2 I would highly encourage you to stop minimizing your responsibility. You purposely chose to commit emotional adultery over and over, even knowing that the price of doing so would be losing your family. No one forced you. No one tricked you. You are not the victim. You KNEW that acting like this would do irreparable harm to the man you claim to supposedly love and the father of your child, and you KNEW that the result would be tearing up your child's security and home...and you made the conscious choice to pursue it anyway. You are not helpless. Your addictive personality is not like a flu that "has to" run it's course. That puts the control in the addiction's hands rather than where it firmly belongs: YOUR HANDS. The men on FB are not responsible. Your husband not giving you as big of a thrill is not responsible. Your addictive habits are not responsible. You are an adult and you CAN be self-aware enough to know you have a weakness, and you can choose to do something to protect your family from your own weakness, but you made the conscious decision to do NOTHING> So, stop hiding this from yourself, and you may be able to take a step forward. 

Finally I would STRONGLY encourage you to be upright and honest with your little girl. Her world is about to be blown apart and she is going to lose half her time with her mom, and half her time with her dad, and she deserves a REAL answer! She deserves the truth. And yes it's going to hurt her, but you chose to do this, so now you are experiencing the natural consequence of your choice. See, you are not stupid. You're a mental health professional! You know that each and every choice we make--in public and in private--has both a BENEFIT and a COST. The benefit of your fantasies was that you got the thrill. You felt interesting and attractive and maybe "loved.' But the cost of your fantasies is the look in your little girl's eyes when she hears that her and her daddy are moving out because you picked fantasies over her safety! And yes, don't kid yourself--you did!!

If you want to make it right, the way to do that is not to keep lying!! The way to make is right is to stop being dishonest, experience the consequences of what you chose to do, work on yourself to become a better woman-mother-wife, and continue to be honest even when it's scary or hurts. THIS is how people might gradually begin to trust you again, because right now you have demonstrated to them, in your actions, that you are not trustworthy! And even though it is going to HURT YOU when you tell your little girl, you can tel her honestly in an age appropriate way why her daddy is not coming. I liked this suggestion earlier:

"Mummy has been doing some bad things & I've hurt Daddy. He needs some grown-up time away from me to think about things. You are the most important thing in his life. He's very sad that he will miss spending Christmas Eve with you. He will be thinking about you all the time as he always does. Both Mummy & Daddy love you very much. If you have any questions,ever, you can ask either of us. We can take lots of photographs for you to show Daddy. He will really enjoy sharing that with you."

Try working with that and making it sound like something you would say. She needs to understand that YOU did something hurtful, that her dad is not being a jerk or blaming you, that he is not "at fault" and has a right to be hurt, and that it is reasonable for someone to take some time to figure things out if they were hurt. This will be a lesson to her--people don't just break up over "not getting along" or "drifting apart" (otherwise what if she "doesn't get along" with a teacher at school--can she break up with that teacher?). She can be taught that everyone, even mom and dad, do something wrong, and that the way to FIX IT when you've done something wrong, is to admit exactly what you've done, take responsibility for it, ask for forgiveness, and then STOP DOING the wrong thing.


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## ShatteredStill (Dec 20, 2016)

My brother took his own life over his wife's infidelity & cruel behavior. WS frequently underestimate the agony that they inflict on others. I know it's human nature to attempt to justify our actions, particularly to ourselves! I know it sounds trite for me to say "Just STOP!" but you have been given so many chances AND far too much understanding & compassion in my opinion. 

Your husband has been an incredibly supportive & loving man. You have been truly blessed in life. It's time to repay him, even if you don't stay together. He has earnt it! My advise to you is change, grow, become the wife he so deserves.

I hope that you are spending Christmas together as a family for your daughters sake. I hope that your husband gives you one more chance & you spend the rest of your live earning it.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

ShatteredStill said:


> My brother took his own life over his wife's infidelity & cruel behavior. WS frequently underestimate the agony that they inflict on others.


I feel badly about your brother and I've read countless stories about people (mostly men) who can't handle the stress and live changing effects of divorce especially when the person is pulled away from their children, their marital home and at least half their assets, and left with barely enough - if enough- to provide a roof over their own head. That much being said, I was there, I got through it, most people do, and those who choose to end their lives cannot place the blame on their expartner- sure they inflicted a boatload of pain and suffering but we don't all respond to it in the same way.


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## ShatteredStill (Dec 20, 2016)

Thank you browser. Everyone's situation is different. Everyone is different. There are different levels of cruelty.

I was truly shocked by my own reactions to abuse. I NEVER thought for one moment I could be so beaten down that I could no longer even imagine an escape. I got through it. Some don't.

I say "Never judge until you've walked in another's shoes." No-one knows what they would do in the SAME situation. 

My statement was that most WS's justify & minimize their behavior. That MUST STOP if the OP is going to grow & change to become a woman worthy of her family.


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

Thanks


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

Without strong immediate action you are making things worse.

Your choice to stay on Facebook will finish your marriage. If you feel that you can not delete facebook then at the very least you must give your husband ALL your social media login details. 
Can you do that?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

One can not love without trust. You can but it is a very unhealthy love.

Your H will have built up resentment and may very well have a PA.

This has no way of ending well....


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ShatteredStill said:


> My brother took his own life over his wife's infidelity & cruel behavior. WS frequently underestimate the agony that they inflict on others. I know it's human nature to attempt to justify our actions, particularly to ourselves! I know it sounds trite for me to say "Just STOP!" but you have been given so many chances AND far too much understanding & compassion in my opinion.
> 
> Your husband has been an incredibly supportive & loving man. You have been truly blessed in life. It's time to repay him, even if you don't stay together. He has earnt it! My advise to you is change, grow, become the wife he so deserves.
> 
> I hope that you are spending Christmas together as a family for your daughters sake. I hope that your husband gives you one more chance & you spend the rest of your live earning it.


You hope that your husband gives her one more chance? Why, just so they can stay married? This is a women who has repeatedly abused him. He deserves so much better then she will ever be even if she changes. He can never have the kind of relationship he could have with someone else if he starts over. OP should let him go and find better, not try to keep him. Sounds like he is moving on no one here should be encouraging her to try to get him to stop.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

If your H decides to try to save the marriage, then you need to do a lot of work. 

If you are willing to do that. Kill FB, and more... You need to start today and of course counseling for yourself and MC for the two of you. But from what you posted, you MUST have men boosting your ego. To be disired by others. 

If you think it's the ability to change will never happen or maybe several years of therapy or after today, KNOWING what you've done is wrong and you get in fb to flirt again... Even if it's next week. Then cut the cord and free your husband. Don't do it anymore, hurting him. Free him before you do another EA.

I can assure you. The pain you feel is nothing to what a BS goes thru. 

Then be A single woman with the freedom to do what you want without guilt. You're doing him a favor to find someone else. And you're not hurting him anymore.

A long term friend (4 years longer than my wife) of mine helped me when my WW broke us. Even thou I knew she had cheated and now divorced her husband when she was about 21. She doesn't have a boyfriend period. She dates or has NSA sex when she wants. No lies, no bullcrap. She helped as a friend as I was falling apart. Not sex. I respect the person she is today and have returned the favor of being there when she needed a friend.

As you should already know, the medical field is perhaps the highest in infidelity.

Choose... And of course your husband has a say in all this. If you can't be faithful, then free him.


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

Since you are deliberately ignoring advice and picking and choosing the things you answer I assume your answer to deleting Facebook is NO

I suppose that there was a small hope you would see that it was so destructive that you would actually want to stop.
It is clear that you do not. While i am constantly amazed at the power of the online fantasy. I am no longer surprised.

The reason your husband is having less and less problems with the idea of Divorce is very simple. You are choosing men of zero value (in any sense) on facebook over him. Your refusal to stop this frankly absurd behaviour tells him everything he needs to know about how you feel about him.

Contempt.

When it all goes quiet in a few of years, when your Facebook friends have moved on to the next thing and your Husband has found someone new. When your child understands your desire overrode hew real need for a Mother and stable family. Only then will you see what you have done. 
Then it is too late. You will be alone.


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Personally I don't think you should be married to anyone for a long time. Doesn't seem to be in your skill set. A year form now your husband will be in a much better place. Let him go and find someone who loves him more then themselves and their own attention span. You need to work long and hard on your issues and you need to do that alone where you can no longer do damage to another human being. I would say the same thing to someone who was a physical abuser. No difference really, bruises actually heal faster.


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## ShatteredStill (Dec 20, 2016)

There's a free download book by Linda McDonald "How to help your spouse heal from an affair" (check the exact wording/spelling. It will come-up when you start typing). Really read it without thinking "...but I didn't have an affair!". Decide if you think it's worth sharing it with your H & working through it.

If he is willing to give you another chance there are other books like 'Love Languages' with questionnaires you can work on together to get closer. 

I know that our gut reactions make us feel defensive. To me it's about that fine line between hollow grovelling "I deserve everything. I'm an awful person!" & defense. BOTH are infuriating to a BS. Action is the answer!! I asked my H to read the McDonald book & "Not Just Frieds" because I truly believed they could help our marriage & family. They could help ME. I live in agony. His response was, "I tried reading them but it's just more of the same old stuff!"....another straw on the camels back! Another step closer to divorce!

You know that the Facebook has to stop don't you? Action!
You need therapy (??) or selfhelp & introspection (I'm a fan of that) Action!

You need time together to work through this. Listen. Don't be self pitying. Tell him your actions. Ask what he needs from you & give it. Because you've had so very many chances it may take a long time but assure him that he's in control & you can only imagine how you've hurt him. You will do the work. You will be there for him whatever he chooses.

I believe it's close to impossible to truly understand the utter devastation reaped on the betrayed. But try!! With all your heart & mind try. As I said, it needs to be ALL about HIM. You've hit him with a truck, reversed & done it again & again & again because it felt good. Now you have to heal him. Think of all the love & romance you pine for?? Does he need nothing? EMPATHY! It's been all about you & your needs for far too long.

I do honestly wish you well. I'm a hapless romantic. To a degree I get-it....but not so far as to destroy those I love.


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## ShatteredStill (Dec 20, 2016)

Actively sit on Facebook & UNFRIEND every single man who is not family. 
Send NC letters to every man stating what a shallow lie it all was. They are to NEVER contact you again. You love your husband & only your husband.
Drop every single person who supported or encouraged your behavior.
Your only friends should be friends of your marriage.

Show your husband ACTIONS!


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> My hope is that by next year I will at least be able to say that I did all I could to be a better person and a better mother to my little one. Of course I'd like to say that I would be a good wife to my H but at this point that is out of my hands.
> I just deleted my facebook account. I had kept it on thinking about saying goodbye to a couple of friends first but then it is likely that some may not even notice my absence. I have become attached to these complete strangers in an unhealthy way but it has to end.


Good. At last an action. 


Itwasjustafantasy said:


> I have become such a skilled manipulator and liar that I do not even trust myself to make real changes in my life.


Nahh. Actually you aren't very good at it (which may come as relief). We have had some olympic gold level manipulators on here. You are terrible at spotting them. 



Itwasjustafantasy said:


> I have a therapy appointment for later today with a therapist I was seeing a while ago. She wasn't the most helpful, suffice is to say that she had originally said to me that had my H not found out about my first one-sided EA, I should've kept it to myself and perhaps even just keep in friendly terms with that man.


Therapists are divided pretty equally between telling and not telling. Since it was one sided and online she was probably hoping that reality would kick in! Obviously not. 



Itwasjustafantasy said:


> I saw this therapist for less than a month, I had been off facebook for that time and I believed I was "all cured." I believed I could eventually forget about that man and since I had no access to him I figured all would be okay.


You are not obsessed with a man. You are obsessed with the idea of a man. You have constructed an ideal and that has absolutely nothing to do with reality. Reflecting your desires, their words connecting with you deeply. imagine.. Raw emotion.. understanding you! . the broken sentences, the accidental typos. Before long you imagine a gentle man who listens. 
It is all bollocks of course

We call them Emotional Affairs. They were once called Affairs of the Heart . I prefer that name as it describes the reason it destroys marriage and real love.


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> Yes, this I have heard this before. At least in regards to the first man I ever exchanged messages with, he himself told me that I did not know him and that I had created a fantasy in mind, an idea of who he is. Even when he spelled it out to me in that manner, I struggled with coming to terms with that reality. And my obsession with him lasted almost a whole year now...until I conveniently replaced him with the last 2 men.
> I went to see my therapist and she pretty much suggested what she had in the past and I never put into practice. She stated that it is obvious I am missing excitment in my life but I am seeking it in a very unhelathy way while putting my marriage and family in grave danger of being destroyed.
> 
> She also said that there are many things out there that I can do to bring excitement tomy life that not only wouldn't jeopardize my marriage but would also bring me pride and happiness vs what I am doing now which in the end leaves me feeling even more worthless and ashamed. She is right, facebook to me is the easy and lazy way to have fun, to feel excitement because I am too afraid to venture in the real world. It is quite easy to be on facebook any time of the day without having to get out of bed or out of my couch or simply outside.
> ...




Now go do it, not just say it. Actions are going to regain his trust if its possible.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Itwasjustafantasy : your latest post about therapy and it seems your husband is giving you a chance. Then by all means, DON'T F- This up!
For now on, be honest. If you cannot be honest with him... let him go.

I'd recommend that you even tell him that. That YOU WANT to be married to him and will everything you can. But also, that if you feel that YOU CANNOT do it... that you will tell him, BEFORE you start something up on facebook or IRL. That is the thing about EA... eventually, they turn into PAs. Even at work. Because unlike Facebook, you cannot delete your job or co-workers.

Read the book "not just friends" and have him read it too. Have bookmarks for the two of you.

If you can't do it 6months from now or later. Then move on, and let him do it. Continue to work on yourself but also don't plan on getting married anytime soon... just be single and do NSA and be honest about it.

Good luck. Its up to you to do YOUR part.


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> He stated how hurt and disappointed he was and how he knows he cannot compete with the attention I get from 600+ facebook friends. He stated that he does not want to live his life monitoring every move I make and worrying about when will be the next time that i engage in inappropriate behavior. He also said that he is happy that this time I took it upon myself to schedule a therapy appointment and to delete facebook without him asking for it. He finallt said that right now he does not trust me and wants me to decide whether I really want him and only him. He said he won't accept someone who is settling and who does not find him attractive or enough.


Smart man and you may be coming back from the brink. Just.. In.. time.. 

Next Give him access to all your communication devices:

Your email username and password
Your hidden email username and password
Your facebook username and password. You can not really delete a facebook account. it is just deactivated.
Unlock your phone. Hand it to him
Delete the apps that allow social networking

This is not about giving him control of you. It about you saying. Here. I don't trust myself and you are the one I trust

Look at him with fresh eyes. 

Good work by the way. 

With 600 friends you would be seeing the highly edited highlights almost every hour! After a few days off Facebook you will realize that everyone's life is a bit boring sometimes. A bit mundane.


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

Ok


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> Thanks everyone for your input, the resources you shared and the encouragement. I need it and will use it.
> My intention at this point is to give myself another chance...I've almost lost faith that I am capable of making real changes to better myself and of course the tragic consequences are not just felt by me but by the people I love the most.
> 
> Just to address a couple of things brought up in regards to facebook. Right before removing the app from my phone and deactivating my account, I had started unfriending people...lots of strangers that I didn't even remember why I friended in the first place. The vast majority were single men though there were some married men and some women with whom I hardly ever interacted. I have left some male friends that I have known for a couple of years (not IRL just via facebook) who have never shown any ulterior motives and have respected the fact that I am a married woman. They have never ever posted anything close to inappropriate and I myself never tried to be flirtatious* with them in any way. I also deleted all posts/replies where I thought I was being funny or harmlessly flirtatious, I am ashamed of the things I put out there for the world to see...such disrespect for my husband.
> ...


Your husband, rightly so, has made the statement he does not trust you nor wants to constantly monitor your accounts. That is fine for a while.

So why don't you take the ultimate step on your own and tells your husband that within six months you want him to schedule unannounced a polygraph test where the first question will be "Have you set up any new accounts or started any new relationships with men?". We all know how easy it is to set up new accounts. Much easier than fooling a polygraph test.

You being proactive in this without him asking will do two things
(1) give him some hope you intend on remaining faithful
(2) make it clear to yourself that you are not going to get away with it again.

And please stay away from any idiot IC or MC who advised you to continue to lie to your husband and not tell him anything and keep remaining friends with strange men by the dozens .


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> I used to binge eat





Itwasjustafantasy said:


> he realizes I love staying indoors watching documentaries





Itwasjustafantasy said:


> My BH is a personal trainer and he is in incredibly good shape for his age...unfortunately a person's physical appearance does pretty much nothing for me.


Clearly since apparently you enjoy eating, no physical activity and watching tv all day.

Sounds like you'd totally be someone he'd want to marry and put up with your affairs.
@Itwasjustafantasy - Yeah.... I this is all just a fantasy. Appropriate user name.


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> So why don't you take the ultimate step on your own and tells your husband that within six months you want him to schedule unannounced a polygraph test where the first question will be "Have you set up any new accounts or started any new relationships with men?". We all know how easy it is to set up new accounts. Much easier than fooling a polygraph .


Thanks.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I continually find it so devastating at how so many people fall under the spell of technology.

Social media, phone apps, PS4, there are more avenues to cheat than potholes in Philadelphia.

The strange part is..... having an EA or PA is encouraged. I am so glad I grew up in the 70s and 80s.

People got along fine without smart phones (still never got one) and FB. OP maybe it would be a nice idea

to cut out as much technology as possible while you try to R.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> Thanks, this is a great suggestion. I will definitely tell my husband about it.
> 
> In regards to that therapist, I just saw her yesterday because she was the one I could see the earliest. I have an appointment with a different therapist next week. I will see how that one goes.



IJF,

Your husband is most likely going to say he doesn't want to do that. You do the research, you find an examiner experienced in infidelity, and then you tell your husband this is the length you want to go to to prove you are not at it again. And you tell him you will do this more than once.

Now, I can't remember, but if your husband has not filed for divorce, he should do that immediately. You know why???? because he can stop the divorce anytime YOU prove you have this addiction under control. if you do not stop this it is just a matter of time before one o these guys talks you in to meeting in person, and I am assuming you are telling us the truth that that has not occurred.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

As stated... You and other people in your position are on the edge of going PA. Both are bad COMBINED is even more so. 

Also tell your H why you are changing therapist. That your current one was telling you to LIE! She was a waste of time to go back.


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> IJF,
> 
> Your husband is most likely going to say he doesn't want to do that. You do the research, you find an examiner experienced in infidelity, and then you tell your husband this is the length you want to go to to prove you are not at it again. And you tell him you will do this more than once.
> 
> Now, I can't remember, but if your husband has not filed for divorce, he should do that immediately. You know why???? because he can stop the divorce anytime YOU prove you have this addiction under control. if you do not stop this it is just a matter of time before one o these guys talks you in to meeting in person, and I am assuming you are telling us the truth that that has not occurred.


...


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> I actually started doing some research on polygraphists in my area, not cheap but absolutely worth every penny if it were to bring my husband some peace of mind. And you are correct that likely my husband wil say it's not necessary but it will be, as sad and pathetic as it may sound to others, a gift to him as proof of my ability to take control of my life and be the spouse he deserves.
> 
> In regards to a divorce, I had not thought of it. I guess I will do some research on it too. Right now, understandably so, my husband expects me to take the initiative when it comes to doing what is necessary to prove to him he is making the best decision for himself, for our relationship. So I will research this next and discuss it with him.
> 
> ...


IJf

Look, first you need to understand something. Lets get it out there. Your situation is really not that unique or unusual, especially in women or men that have never had any other sexual partners. But you made the choice to say the vows knowing that so you have only a couple of choices
(1) go to a sex therapist with your husband and learn how to share your fantasies with your husband rather than other men. You just have to remember that fantasies are just that and do not need to be acted out on.
(2) have an open marriage, which 95% of men if they have any brains will reject outright. 
(3) learn to deal with your demons or divorce and be free to do what you want.

What is unacceptable is to lie and deceive the man you are suppose to love. The other thing that you need to understand is the fact that you never imagined you would be in this position just puts you in the company of 95% of women who do cheat. A very small percentage planned it before it happened and if you read the books you will find that one of the first statements wayward wives make is " I never thought I would be here". 

Now you have been caught twice, and if there is one thing you rerally need to build trust is to become accountable. That means more than giving your husbands passwords to electronic devices that he is not inclined to check. Here are a couple of other suggestions that YOU can do that may seem small but when you add them up they say something to your husband
(1) voluntarily put a GPS on your car. 
(2) if you are not where you are supposed to be when you are supposed to be for any reason contact him and explain
(3) no GNO or out of town trips right now
(4) no male friend alone time
(5) and stay the hell off of Facebook and THIS GROUP the OM was on. Is the group more important than your marriage. If for some reason this OM really had wanted to get in your pants you know you would have met him and would have been in an entirely more unpleasant circumstance. And the law of averages just says that if you continue to flirt with men online you will stumble accross someone geographically with the ability to pressure you to meet. Happens all the time.

Now as far as your husband filing, I know he won;t do that unless he catches you again, and since I have no idea what makes him tick he might not leave you if you had a PA. But it sounds like he wants to rugsweep, which means other than him being hurt and a little mad you have no real life consequences.

If you read around this or any forum you want to, you will find that the quickest way to knock the fog of bad behavior out of a WW is to make her believe the end is imminent . Its amazing how quickly the "fog", which I call bull ****, dissipates. Your husband in my opinion is playing the pick me game, hoping you can stop it on your own without any action on his part. Take my word for it, if you knew that in 60 days your marriage would be over and that on the 59th day you were taking a polygraph test that you had better pass, you flirting with other men would not be so attractive. But that is up tto your husband. You do what you can. You are on the right mindset I believe in your willingness to do what it takes, but stop making excuses about sexual experience or anything else. If you can't be happy without another penis after you, then do the right thing and get a divorce and have as many partners as you want


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

..


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> I have deactivated my facebook account and my husband has the password to it and my instagram account. I never have my phone locked, so no passwords necessary. My husband has full access to my phone, I often leave it charging anywhere in the house and I have reassured him he has the right to go over the search history or to look anything up on it.
> 
> Just to clarify, I did not mention my lack of sexual experience prior to meeting my husband as an excuse. I mentioned it because I was trying to convey the fact that I have never been what one would consider an overtly sexual person at all. So the fact that I became so uninhibited and flirtatious with these strange men has taken me by surprise. That is all.
> I have zero interest in actually having a sexual relationship with any man other than my husband. But I do admit that my desperation for validation and attention could have been used as excuses for an actual PA. Anyways, the severity of the pain that my betrayal has caused is horrible enough even when it did not reach a physical level.
> ...


IJF,

POlygraph right now is a waste. If you two do it, it needs to happen after some time, unannounced, to see if you have relapsed. Right now, if you are posting here, it is unlikely you will run right back of FB or anywhere else. 

You need a therapist who is going to hold your feet to the fire, not one who is going to dig and offer excuses. It is not abnormal to like attention to members of the opposite sex. Men and women who deny that it matters at all to them are not being totally truthful. But acting on it is a different story. 

As long as you are not telling your husband that you need to be able to continue to do this as long as you do not meet anyone, there is no fog so you do not need divorce papers. But he needs to let you know by seeing an attorney that any more screw ups and it is it and that you are on thin ice. Saying it is different than being only a phone call away from having you served.

Hope you get to a decent IC but if you start to hear from your IC that what you did was not so bad, run like hell. Therapy is a subjective, not a quantitative science and if you tell the same story to ten of them you will get five different responses. Some of these idiots tell women to continue to deny and lie to their husbands, believe it or not. You are the customer. You decide what you want discussed.


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> POlygraph right now is a waste. If you two do it, it needs to happen after some time, unannounced, to see if you have relapsed.
> 
> As long as you are not telling your husband that you need to be able to continue to do this as long as you do not meet anyone, there is no fog so you do not need divorce papers. But he needs to let you know by seeing an attorney that any more screw ups and it is it and that you are on thin ice. Saying it is different than being only a phone call away from having you served.
> 
> Hope you get to a decent IC but if you start to hear from your IC that what you did was not so bad, run like hell.


Sorry I wasn't clear. Yes, the polygraph would be done as you stated in the future in the manner you suggest.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Herschel said:


> If you cut your fingers off, you wont be able to type.


 @Herschel

Moderator note: 

Or if you use the "ignore" function you do not run the risk of getting a ban.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> Sorry I wasn't clear. Yes, the polygraph would be done as you stated in the future in the manner you suggest.
> 
> I have to be honest that this time around what seems to have finally worked to get me to understand the gravity of my actions is the fact that my husband exposed me to my family. My poor mother was devastated as she worries about my daughter whom she practically raised from the time she was born until she started kindergarten because I went back to working full time after a 4 month leave. Of course she doesn't want me to suffer but besides my husband, my little girl is the biggest victim in all of this.
> 
> ...


IJF,

Your family's feelings, especially your mother is normal. Your mother should be furious with you, not your husband. But like most families, yours is not unusual. They are more concerned about screwing up the family dynamic for your daughter, and not the betrayal of your husband. Unfortunately, too many times, this is the reaction and that is why the advice that BH's usually get when they say parents of WW are upset with her is to not put much credence in it. No matter what you did your family is going to want husband to "get over it".

Quite honestly, your husband should be made you tell your family instead of him appearing to be the bad guy, but we know he has shown signs of wanting to rugsweep.

What you really have to understand is that the addictions counselor is not going to solve this for you and it is going to take a long time for your husband to trust you again. The heavy lifting you are going to have to do yourself. 

The really positive sign here is that everything you are agreeing to you are not appearing to feel "punished". When the WW feels that being accountable is punishment, the marriage is doomed. So many WW complain that they have no privacy. When you cheat on your husband your right to secrets and privacy go out the window. You seem to accept that and that is very wise. 

What I am concerned about for you is that your husband is going to want to play ostrich, and that is the worst thing he can do. 

Now with all that being said, it could be a hell of a lot worse if you had hooked up with one of there guys, so you have dodged a bullet . Now hold your IC to the fire and do not let them devolve the sessions into what your husband is doing wrong, or "the marriage". The problem is you seeking outside validation., period. Remember, there is probably not a woman alive that does not like when men check them out, but when that satisfaction is not enough is when the trouble starts.


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It is my opinion from what you have written that you need serious psychiatric treatment. You are a stalker. You are obsessional and compulsive. Your BH isn't just hurt, I bet. I bet that he is worried that you have lost it. Facebook didn't make you do what you have done. Sure, it's a vehicle, but plenty of people are on fb night and day without stalking people whose faces they have never seen, are inappropriately older/younger, and show no interest in them.

These are not online affairs or flirtations, in my opinion. These are events that indicate mental disturbance.

I think you need serious help.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

alte Dame said:


> It is my opinion from what you have written that you need serious psychiatric treatment. You are a stalker. You are obsessional and compulsive. Your BH isn't just hurt, I bet. I bet that he is worried that you have lost it. Facebook didn't make you do what you have done. Sure, it's a vehicle, but plenty of people are on fb night and day without stalking people whose faces they have never seen, are inappropriately older/younger, and show no interest in them.
> 
> These are not online affairs or flirtations, in my opinion. These are events that indicate mental disturbance.
> 
> I think you need serious help.


What's the reasoning behind that assessment?


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> What's the reasoning behind that assessment?


I think OP answered this herself in her last post. ^^^^


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> I understand it is all on me now, I am just hoping to have a better experience with a new therapist who holds me responsible for my actions.
> 
> In regard to my family, here is the situation.
> I have no doubt that my family is deeply disappointed in me. They have known my husband since he and I were 19 years old (when we started dating). Husband and I are now both 41 y.o. and throughout all these years my husband has been an honorable man and has shown that is a respectable, reliable, selfless and loving man. Unless I were to make up lies about him there is not one iota of evidence that would suggest he is anything but an upstanding, devoted husband and father. My family tends to keep their feelings and thoughts to themselves and we all avoid talking about painful or embarrassing issues. I hate to admit that we tend to keep many secrets from each other and the reason we always give is "I do not want to hurt or disappoint you, I do not want to add stress to your life, I do not want to make you unhappy." So at least for me, the facade is over. All my "dirty laundry" is out there for them to see. I cannot and will not hide it anymore. It hasn't done any good.
> ...


IJF,

I don't agree that one EA with a guy whose face you never saw, and two episodes last week classify you as any kind of stalker. In fact, you are not here trying to justify your behavior but correct it so speaking as a BH whose WW did a lot worse than you, i think a lot of BH out there would be a little happy to have someone trying like you seem to be. notice I said seem because you are not out of the woods yet and you know it. Not going to bore you with details of my story, they are briefly in my profile, but my WW has done it all correctly, and had very little time to decide if that was what she wanted. So i guess you would say I reconciled.

Back to ostrich explanation you asked for. Lets start out upon discovery. BH has choices to make and just like any crisis situation those made initially have a major impact on the outcome. That is my opinion. Some may disagree. But if someone has a medical emergency, the initial seconds and minutes are vital. I don't think the BH response is any less vital.

Unfortunately, the initial reaction of most BH who find their way here or any forum, is to be so shocked and in paralysis that inaction and denial take hold and the pick me game starts. That happens despite the fact that probably 95% of men will make the statement that infidelity is a deal breaker. if you read here or other forums you will see that those that cannot take any action and make the following statements very rarely work out OK
(1) I want to reconcile no matter what she did or does
(2) i can forgive her without even knowing what the hell she really did
(3) it's my fault
(4) i do not want to take steps to monitor her because she can always cheat some other way. this one is correct BUT you can make it a lot harder to have her not get caught for a period of reaonsable time
(5) I don't want to know the truth

i could go on. But those that do closer to what some call the "nuclear" option have much better results, be it reconciliation or divorce with less pain.

Your husband initially got out of denial to anger pretty quickly, at least temporarily, which is what caused the exposure to your family. And by the way, you have done exactly the correct thing to tell them to back off and that you are accountable. the better take that advice or they will become a trigger to your husband. Unless your father has cheated on your mother, her opinion is meaningless since she is not sleeping each night next to a man who has betrayed her. People who have never experienced this cancer called infidelity have no relevant opinion. my bet is that is you told ten girlfriends what you have done is that 6 or 7 of them would tell you to tell him to just get over it, that it was no big deal. Thats a whole additional topic, peer pressure or approval.

But your husband now seems to be letting you deal with the handling of things on this, which is good to see if you are proactive but it seems he is just now hoping the therapy works. You are here searching for answers but it appears he is being now passive. maybe i am wrong.

Lastly, since you are tarting on a new IC, you should sign the documents allowing your therapist to share the assessment and information with your husband. That does not mean he attends. But it does mean he will meet with him or her and find out somewhat what their opinion is of your problem and it will not be only what you tell him. There are more threads than you can count on IC or MC telling WS terrible advice or WS lying to IC or misrepresenting situation. Right now, you cannot trust yourself and the last thing you need is any justifiation or minimalization of what you did from any IC. Remember another thing also, i believe if you google professions where infidelity is most likely, therapists will be on the list. PHD's have written and are at the forefront of all the literature approving and justifying non monogamy. here have even been threads on SI where a female therapist recommended the infamous AM site to a client and told her it would help her marriage.

You are 41 years old and cannot live the rest of your life without interacting with men other than your husband. You seem like you can do what is necessary as long as your husband does not let you continue to re-offend with no consequences. So far, telling your family is the only consequence. You are concerned right now and regretful that you got caught. Remorse takes actions over a longer time period but you right now are headed in a positive direction.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> I hate to admit that my own husband said to me that he is sure that the man I originally became emotionally attached to had made no attempt to contact me not because he is necessarily a man with integrity but more so because I made it quite obvious that I have an obsessive personality and may have even scared him away as I was essentially stalking him (logging on to facebook at the hours I knew he was on it, poating on the group where he is an administrator just to get his attention, etc).
> This man had never shown any interest in me and it was me who suggested we should meet one day (at the time it was a lie to keep him or get him interested in me) and he perhaps was at best just going along with my flirting. I explained in the original thread that is currently deleted that I had never even seen a picture of this man, I knew he had sone serious health issues and that he is 2 decades older than me. And the last communication I had with him he asked me to focus on my husband and that was that. He does live in the same town I work but sadly it took these 2 last men to "get over him." So there is essentially no chance of me ever trying to meet with him.







Itwasjustafantasy said:


> It has been almost a year. I never got over my EA partner (not really a partner as he did not reciprocate my advances, and he was unaware I was married).
> 
> I am a very disturbed person. I seek validation and attention especially from males every chance I get. Then when one appears to show some interest I start imagining how great and complete my life would be if only those men where also in my life. My plan was always to get them interested enough in me and then if they would ever try to set up a face to face meeting I would simply unfriend or block them. It made me feel so desired and wanted and maybe even powerful to get these men to notice me and then I would dump them without much thought.
> So not only was I hurting my BH. I was also using these men as tools, not a real people with real feelings, but just as tools to attempt to fulfill my endless need for validation.
> I seem to only be able to get over someone by replacing them with someone or something else that will fill my emptiness..I used to binge eat and when I stopped it, facebook became my new addiction. I sepnt hours and hours of my day (when I wasn't at work) checking for likes and comments on my posts...I couldn't get enough. And each and every like I took it as a sign of approval. I would actually come to believe that I was so loved and admired by my facebook friends.


I believe that, given what ItWasJustAFantasy has told us, she is best served by serious professional help. She potentially considers a man that she didn't know - but obsessively followed on fb and admittedly stalked online - an EA partner. She actively and obsessively pursued relationships with other men for the very broken reasons detailed above. Much of this appears delusional and indicates imo a need for serious treatment.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I believe that, given what ItWasJustAFantasy has told us, she is best served by serious professional help. She potentially considers a man that she didn't know - but obsessively followed on fb and admittedly stalked online - an EA partner. She actively and obsessively pursued relationships with other men for the very broken reasons detailed above. Much of this appears delusional and indicates imo a need for serious treatment.


I'm not very active here anymore, but thought I would weigh in on this discussion, mainly because the OP reminds me of myself in some ways. Here's my two cents:
@Itwasjustafantasy, I think you can benefit from psychotherapy, but I don't agree with alte Dame that you are delusional and in need of "serious" treatment. I think you can control yourself, but you choose not to. Perhaps you can figure out why you feel so entitled? I'm not saying that to insult you. It seems to me that some of the things you are doing are ways to cope with life and are self-soothing. IMHO. Again, I believe you _can_ control yourself and your actions. But what fun is that?

I also disagree with the use of SSRI medications, but that's me. I prefer more natural solutions. Your age is something to consider as many women start perimenopause in their 40's. Our hormones have a great deal to do with our health, including our mental state. Just something to consider.

You married young so maybe take some time to grow up. Learn about yourself in therapy. Choose to be the person you want to be. You don't need to be a hot mess. Think about your daughter and the legacy you will leave behind. Best of luck.


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I have to ask how psychotherapy is not serious treatment. Honestly, OP describes herself as deluded and obsessional. Why would people discourage her from pursuing serious professional treatment?


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I have to ask how psychotherapy is not serious treatment. Honestly, OP describes herself as deluded and obsessional. Why would people discourage her from pursuing serious professional treatment?


I feel that many people can benefit from psychotherapy at one time or another in their life. It's like a tune up, really. When you say "serious treatment" it makes me think of inpatient treatment and drugs and shock therapy and the sort of intervention that only the minority of the population needs. Too many mental illness labels are bandied about now days, IMHO. I'm sure big pharma doesn't mind though.

ETA: "Deluded and obsessional" used to be called daydreaming.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> Before I became familiar with TAM I would've considered my interaction with that man to be just innocent flirting, having a crush on someone or something similar to it. I now know better and the best way to describe my behavior is to call it an EA. If you or anyone else can come up with a more fitting term for it, please do share especially if your intent is not to humilliate or hurt me as I can do plenty of that on my own. I am just trying to keep things simple.


Don't worry about the terminology. It is what it is. It's moral relativism. If you are doing something that is objectionable by your standards and beliefs, seek ways to improve (which you are doing).


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

Zanne said:


> I'm not very active here anymore, but thought I would weigh in on this discussion, mainly because the OP reminds me of myself in some ways. Here's my two cents:
> 
> @Itwasjustafantasy, I think you can benefit from psychotherapy, but I don't agree with alte Dame that you are delusional and in need of "serious" treatment. I think you can control yourself, but you choose not to. Perhaps you can figure out why you feel so entitled? I'm not saying that to insult you. It seems to me that some of the things you are doing are ways to cope with life and are self-soothing. IMHO. Again, I believe you _can_ control yourself and your actions. But what fun is that?
> 
> ...


Zanne,
I fully agree with what you are stating here. I do need to learn and practice healthier ways of coping with some uncomfortable emotions. Again, I will leave to a professional to determine the extent of treatment I need. I am fortunate that there are a lot of resources that I can avail myself of on my own, but I do think that I can use the guidance of a professional. Thanks for your insight.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> Zanne,
> I fully agree with what you are stating here. I do need to learn and practice healthier ways of coping with some uncomfortable emotions. Again, I will leave to a professional to determine the extent of treatment I need. I am fortunate that there are a lot of resources that I can avail myself of on my own, but I do think that I can use the guidance of a professional. Thanks for your insight.


You are fortunate, indeed. We all have a different life story, so seek the path that is best for your journey. If I may offer another bit of advice, be careful that this place doesn't turn into your next obsession.


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

alte Dame said:


> I have to ask how psychotherapy is not serious treatment. Honestly, OP describes herself as deluded and obsessional. Why would people discourage her from pursuing serious professional treatment?


...Ok


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> Unfortunately, the initial reaction of most BH who find their way here or any forum, is to be so shocked and in paralysis that inaction and denial take hold and the pick me game starts. That happens despite the fact that probably 95% of men will make the statement that infidelity is a deal breaker. if you read here or other forums you will see that those that cannot take any action and make the following statements very rarely work out OK
> (1) I want to reconcile no matter what she did or does
> (2) i can forgive her without even knowing what the hell she really did
> (3) it's my fault
> ...


Thanks for the explanation Straighshooter.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> Before I became familiar with TAM I would've considered my interaction with that man to be just innocent flirting, having a crush on someone or something similar to it. I now know better and the best way to describe my behavior is to call it an EA. *If you or anyone else can come up with a more fitting term for it*, please do share especially if your intent is not to humilliate or hurt me as I can do plenty of that on my own. I am just trying to keep things simple.


A little more feedback on the EA comment...

Emotional Affair is a relatively new term. When I joined TAM four years ago, I had never heard of it, but soon I was convinced that I had at least twenty EA's in my past with co-workers, bosses, neighbors, even TAM members. Another term is limerence, although it has a slightly different connotation. I referenced daydreaming earlier. I've been a daydreamer all of my life. As you probably know, our minds believe what we tell ourselves. Reality can become blurred.

Before you believe the worst about yourself (especially based on the feedback from a group of people who have been on the receiving end of betrayal and are on their own journey of healing), I think you should set the labels aside and think of them as a real possibility or at the very least, a warning, but more importantly think about your actions and how you got to this place in your life. You didn't just get to this point overnight. It has been a series of thoughts and decisions which you have allowed yourself to accept. Other people would never accept such behavior for themselves. They have boundaries. (And are very proud to say so!) That's why I said to think about who you want to be. Sometimes it's hard to know when we are already so deep in the hole we have dug for ourselves and can't see the light of day. Keep trying. You are worth it.

As I mentioned, I'm not a fan of prescription medications; I have my reasons. That said, I will share that my youngest son has been on Lexapro for the past three years. He is finally tapering off and I'm happy about that, but I respect that it was a necessary intervention. I took a different route and probably suffered more for it. I'm grateful for where I am at though, considering where I have been. Just clarifying my comments about psychotherapy and/or meds.

Things do not always turn out the way you think they will, but sometimes it is for the best for all involved. If you focus on working on yourself and being a better partner and yet, your marriage still fails, you will not have lost. But you probably know this. I'm sharing all of this because I see some similarities in our stories and I hope to caution you. Good luck.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> I am not sure how much more clear I need to make this: I am in the process of getting treatment. I had a psychiatric evaluation earlier this year, I am in the process of getting a new one and seeing an addictions specialist as well. Regardless of what others may say, I do not see how I can be discouraged from seeking the treatment I am already in the process of securing. I do happen to be extremely fortunate to be able to function well at work and elsewhere but as a mental health professional myself I can recognize that I do need help. I do know the benefits of psychotherapy and the need of psychotropic medication in some cases, I do not have anything against them. So you do not have to worry about others potentially discouraging me from getting professional help. I am well aware of the stigma attached to mental illness, if I knew for a fact that I could benefit from inpatient treatment/ electroshock therapy or other such interventions I would welcome them. I am educated about them and I know that at this point in time I simply would not meet the criteria for admission either voluntarily or involuntarily.


I actually wasn't responding to your comments when I made my last one. I was responding to another poster. I was not referring to in-patient treatment of any kind. That reference came from another poster. Frankly, none of us knows what your treatment should be. I am simply in agreement with a number of other posters that your behavior is outside of the realm of the standard cheater script.

Since I think this, I believe as well that your issues are not well-served by a thread on a forum like this. That is what I have been trying to say - not that you haven't sought treatment, but that you should keep pursuing that treatment instead of talking here. I think that forums like this are exactly the sort of venue that you should avoid, given your issues as you have described them.


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

alte Dame said:


> I actually wasn't responding to your comments when I made my last one. I was responding to another poster. I was not referring to in-patient treatment of any kind. That reference came from another poster. Frankly, none of us knows what your treatment should be. I am simply in agreement with a number of other posters that your behavior is outside of the realm of the standard cheater script.
> 
> Since I think this, I believe as well that your issues are not well-served by a thread on a forum like this. That is what I have been trying to say - not that you haven't sought treatment, but that you should keep pursuing that treatment instead of talking here. I think that forums like this are exactly the sort of venue that you should avoid, given your issues as you have described them.


Ok


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> I wish that would fix my personality flaws but yeah that would fix my behavior...*though as an addict I'd probably find some other way to seek attention*.
> But I understand your point.


Ref: highlighted words above:

Wrong response. OK, you have accepted your weakness. You seem "happy" you can label what ails you. Labels are helpful but are not "cures".

Boundaries, introspection, and real guilt are your cures. And genuine love for your husband is foremost. So far? He is not on your radar. If you say otherwise, I say bullship!

How about, "Keep your nose clean" for a start?

You can if "you want". Your "wants" are your demons to deal with. Suppress them or they will consume you. That is your reality.

Do your feet hurt? You are walking on a thin edge. It has to be cutting you. Which side of the fence do you want to fall on? Live on....happily for MOST of the time. Short term gratification is not real happiness.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> Thanks for the explanation Straighshooter. I think I understand this now. I'd have to say that the one statement that most closely resembles what my husband has been doing since learning about my latest inappropriate behavior last week is #4. While I have given him all passwords, never ever lock my phone, etc. he believes that spending any amount of time monitoring my actions is fruitless and something he just does not wan to have to do. As it is we have limited time to enjoy alone time without our little one around and we both work full time jobs, have a house to maintain, etc. so I can understand why he would resent having to use up any precious time keep track of every move I make.
> So while he recognizes the need to have some sort of control by having my passwords (I have been off of Facebook for a couple of days now, my account is deactivated and only he has a new password for it which I do not have) of social media accounts and email accounts (work and 2 personal accounts), he has told me that if I wanted to cheat I could easily set up alternative secret accounts and he would then have a false sense of trust. My husband has told me that each and every time I was found out, he would notice a change in my behavior. The most obvious one being a progressively increased time spent on facebook. He has an account too and whenever he would check his, he could tell when I had last signed on. And of course he could also notice how I seemed preoccupied or distracted by something other than whatever we were doing together as a family or in any situation where I would have to turn my phone off or put it away. This I have to admit is so very true.
> 
> I want to work with my husband to ensure that we do not rugsweep or do anything that could potentially harm our chance at a healthy outcome. Especially if we are to reconcile, it would be devastating to know that we make irreparable mistakes along the way as it would be a lot more painful to find ourselves in a fake reconciliation of sorts. I believe this time around I am 100% committed to fixing myself and to doing all it takes so that even if my marriage ends, I could at least know that I gave it all I had to regain my husband's trust and to salvage my marriage.


Just my opinion, your husband is still in denial. The simple fact is that he wants to do nothing but HOPE you will not do it again speaks volumes. All control is given to you. So far, other than yell or tell you it must stop, what has he done?? Yes, you sould do the heavy lifting, but he has not demanded anything other than your passwords, which in itself are meaningless because you know exactly how he caught you so are you really so dense that if you were going to do it again you would use FB again ?? I doubt it.

How about
(1) getting rid of the smartphone and getting a phone that you can only call on in an emergency
(2) putting a keylogger on your computer

I'm going to say it again. This throwing up the hands in the air by a BH and hoping for the best does not produce good results for a serial cheater ( you are almost there) or a compulsive liar.

If you are still together in three months, schedule a polygraph and don't tak no for an answer.


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

....


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Females love attention...... guys love sex. Yes they are traded.... 

If you wish to save the M...... as Yoda says

"Do or do not.... there is no try"


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> Females love attention...... guys love sex. Yes they are traded....
> 
> If you wish to save the M...... as Yoda says
> 
> "Do or do not.... there is no try"


Ok


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Just put one foot in front of the other and soon you will be making your goal. 

Sorry, watched frosty with the kids over the holidays.


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> How about
> (1) getting rid of the smartphone and getting a phone that you can only call on in an emergency
> (2) putting a keylogger on your computer
> 
> I'm going to say it again. This throwing up the hands in the air by a BH and hoping for the best does not produce good results for a serial cheater ( you are almost there) or a compulsive liar.


I addressed the suggestion of a polygraph earlier and it is definetely something that will get done.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> I addressed the suggestion of a polygraph earlier and it is definetely something that will get done.
> I had a talk with my husband and he said he thinks a polygraph is a good idea to be done in about 6 months.
> Next we talked about my smartphone. The truth is this is one device that I use for work also (when I am allowed to work from home or during my very long commute I can check emails, etc). So I will keep my phone.
> My husband's thinking is that he wants me to be with him because I genuinely want to be with him, not because he has made a threat or given me an ultimatum. I explained to him that I want to be accountable for my actions and we agreed that installing a monitoring software on my phone would be a good idea. Also, installing a keylogger in our home computer. I do not have any other devices for personal use and while I have access to computers at work, none are for my personal use as they are shared with colleagues.
> ...


OK, but your husband has to
(1) do the legwork to find a qualified examiner. The reason for this is because you should not have any idea when or with whom
(2) this test, whenever it is, should be unannounced and a surprise to you and if you set it up it gives you time to mentally prepare.
(3) assuming, and I emphasize assuming, that you are telling the truth about never having any physical contact, you are normally allowed around four questions, which must be yes or no answers. A 12 year old should be able to figure out what to ask you.

Your husband is correct that you should want to be with him, but right now you have a problem and him staring into space is really not helping you until you get some solid therapy. You are more liable to relapse with no monitoring than with some. yes, if you put your mind to it, there are very devious ways to cheat online but quite frankly you haven't been too creative ( FB messenger both times), so he still needs if for no other reason than to help you track what you do and help you be ACCOUNTABLE. Your husband is playing Russian roulette. Less than three weeks ago you were doing inappropriate things online after a year of doing it the first time, and apparently the only reason it did not go physical with OM1 was that that guy did not pursue it or was geographically not there because if you were chasing him for that long had he wanted to he would have been in your pants in no time. You need to own that and more importantly, so does your husband.

I got no real warning signs when my wife cheated. It always triggers me when I see BH minimizing what has occurred and hoping for the best. 

Now, all that being said, what you have done is childs play compared to some of the stories on here, but, and this is the important thing, it definitely would have led to much worse. That is what your husband needs to get through his head.


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

.


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> Today I had my first counseling session with new therapist who happens to be an addictions specialist.
> I explained as I much as I could within the limited time* allowed (after filling out intake forms etc). First problem was that therapist seemed to never have heard of EAs and seemed puzzled as to why I called it that to refer to my behavior.
> I actually told him that though there was no physical stuff, no sharing of nude /sexual pictures on my part, etc, the fact that I was hiding it all from my husband made it an affair and inappropriate for a married person. He asked a few questions about my marriage and how I feel about it. Then he said that in his view I am not an addict and I am simply looking for someone outside of my marriage to fulfill my needs. I told him that I feel an emptiness that I do not expect anyone, including my husband, to fill it for me and that I have to work on it myself. Therapist said that actually in a marriage each spouse should be there to fill each other's needs and that in his view this is what explains why I searched for fulfillment from other men.
> *I do not really know of it is fair to judge the effectiveness of this therapist based on one session. In the past,* particularly before I learned some things on TAM, I would've felt validated in that this therapist "gets my struggles." But the truth is I am disappointed, I do not know what exactly I was expecting but I was amazed at how quickly the conversation shifted from me sharing what I did on facebook to what was/is lacking in my marriage. Therapist gave some good ideas on how to reconnect and meet my husband's needs but nothing that any non therapist could've suggested.
> ...


I like this therapist only because it is giving you something you seem to lack. Perspective.

1. You are not an addict
2. Why are you creating drama around this.
3. Get over yourself.

Lets just calm down a bit. You talked online to some guys. You fell in lust with a phantom. He told you so, so you immediately replaced him with two others. Enough already. Get over it. Stop focussing on you. Jeez

Therapist.. I got one for you


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

inging said:


> I like this therapist only because it is giving you something you seem to lack. Perspective.
> 
> 1. You are not an addict
> 2. Why are you creating drama around this.
> ...


Thanks for sharing your opinion. And especially for that very funny video. I hate to admit but yes, for me it is as simple as stopping being on facebook and then likely the inappropriate behavior wouldn't have occurred. So that is one thing that is solved: I am no longer on facebook or other social networking media that I could use for messaging etc.
With that said, your opinion is a different one from what I have been told by some other posters. Of course everyone has their own view and I am having a bit of difficulty figuring out for myself what course of action I should take. I have to say that like others have pointed out to me, being on social media was not the problem. The problem is me, my lack of boundaries, poor self esteem, need for validation and male attention, all these are issues that I still believe I need to work on. But I do get what you are suggesting, a lot if not all of my immature and disrespectful behavior I can control and hence stop them since I am aware of its terrible consequences.


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> a lot if not all of my immature and disrespectful behavior I can control and hence stop them since I am aware of its terrible consequences.



While i am all in favour of the growth a good psychologist can help us with I often see it used as an excuse to avoid a hard decision. We skip from psych to psych as the inescapable truth of our actions inevitably comes to the surface.

We really have two choices.

Continue to do the thing that we are doing and suffer for that daily
Stop doing it and face the reality of our lives, face consequences and deal it

Okay so you have stopped the source of the problem. This is the first step. The second one is to look hard at your life. 

What do you do that you enjoy? Do more of it
What do you do that you dislike? Do less of it
Do you hate your job? Change it
Not like where you live? Move
Are there people in your life that you do not like? Dump them

Some of us take brutal Divorces to find this out. 

You need to make radical changes for both of you . Go Burn it down and start again. You might be surprised at where you end up. 
I hope you can take this journey as a couple!


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I think that, just like in any discipline, a therapist should regularly seek outside information to keep up with trends, jargon, and potentially new ways of acting out. Reading forums like this and SI would help ANY therapist, young or old, to see that as times change, so do our coping mechanisms. 20 years ago, online cheating was very rare. Now it's very common. Your therapist not being familiar with an EA seems like a red flag to me. 

In regard to YOU, it seems like this hole that needs filling (excuse the pun) is mostly about you feeling your life is too static. You may also have a need for outside ego boosts. My recommendation is to find something else to devote your attention toward. It could be a hobby or exercise, or even volunteering. If you put your effort into being good at it, you will get your ego boost from those who appreciate it, including your husband. 

At the same time, find a good therapist to help you identify why your boundaries are so I'll defined. Build up your boundaries and focus on something to better you, then your life can be fulfilling in a positive way. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> Thanks for sharing your opinion. And especially for that very funny video. I hate to admit but yes, for me it is as simple as stopping being on facebook and then likely the inappropriate behavior wouldn't have occurred. So that is one thing that is solved: I am no longer on facebook or other social networking media that I could use for messaging etc.
> With that said, your opinion is a different one from what I have been told by some other posters. Of course everyone has their own view and I am having a bit of difficulty figuring out for myself what course of action I should take. I have to say that like others have pointed out to me, being on social media was not the problem. The problem is me, my lack of boundaries, poor self esteem, need for validation and male attention, all these are issues that I still believe I need to work on. But I do get what you are suggesting, a lot if not all of my immature and disrespectful behavior I can control and hence stop them since I am aware of its terrible consequences.


What’s happened?


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