# Heading into Divorce/Seperation



## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

So we are at a standstill in this divorce. I can't make my wife leave the house, its her house too. I can't make her not see her son, she has every right to see him. 

We are filing for divorce tomorrow and California requires a 6month separation before they even consider your divorce papers; custody, finances, assets etc.

I am not willing to leave this house because if I do so it will be used against me in a custody case (I abandoned my son with her). She is not willing to leave either, so we will be living in the same house together for 6 months!

We tried talking to each other today and it became ridiculous. I started panicking when she would do her mind games....I can anticipate them, that's when the panic kicks in. The worst part is not knowing WHAT she'll deny or twist...but once she starts on something I know where its going to end...with her not budging on it.

She first approached me all nice at first. Then she sobbed and said that I was going to ruin her financially. I refused to talk. Finally we started talking. I brought out an assets and debts form my lawyer gave me. She cooperated and helped me fill some of it out. She claims she only has $700 in her account besides the tax return thats in our joint account, and that she has no other accounts. I really doubt that. I told her that she needs to reveal all her accounts and all the money she has (she had nothing when we started dating, everything she has was acquired after we lived together) and she is obligated under PENALTY OF PURGERY to reveal it all. She says, no, no other accounts and no cash anywhere. 

Its not that I dont believe her, its that I doubt her...its possible she only has $700 but I seriously think its possible its just a front.

How can I find out if she is telling the truth, after all, I stop resorting to just trusting her word for a reason.

Before we parted to separate rooms, I told her how I am willing to continue counseling because I hate what I have become. I am such an enabler, and I constantly worry about her...I'm tired of it. Even after everything she has done, I still care for her and worry my ass off. 

I said I dont know what problems she is working through with herself but I am working through mine.

Can you guess how a Histrionic Personality Disorder would respond to that? She said..."Funny, we are exactly the same. Thats exactly how I feel! Everything you said!"

I just stared like...WTF? But at the same time I was like, I should have known...

The she said "We are too much a like, thats why it didnt work."

I just turned around, said I was going to bed, and walked away.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

My friend got divorced, his ex-wife, (was wife at the time) had planned the divorce, so she set up an account under her mother's name and she was on the account, but the mother owned it. She moved over a nice amount of money, thus it not becomming part of the divorce settlement, since it was her "mothers" 

A little FYI, they can be creative. Sorry to hear you live in California, you need to contact a mans right group, CA is brutal for men.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

i'm sorry that you doubt your wife. if she's telling the truth, i understand where she's coming from. I have a whole $127 to my name. it's in my joint account w/ my husband and he has access to see it. he does know i have a joint account w/ my mother for our household bills. if he asked, i'd let him see the statements so he knows the money i'm putting into that is only the money needed for the bills, not trying to hide money. 

he knows that if we divorce i'll be financially ruinned. he also knows that if i wanted to i could take him for everything he's got (which is a hell of a lot more than me), but i won't coz i'm not that kind of person.

I don't know if there's a way for the court to demand to see all of her financial records. ask your lawyer about that.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

I am in the same boat wonder except my money is social security disability money. That is all I have to my name except what is in the joint account. I opened that account and directed my disability check to it after he pulled this crap once before. 

Tim, wonder is right. Speak with your lawyer about her being able to reveal everything.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

GAsoccerman said:


> My friend got divorced, his ex-wife, (was wife at the time) had planned the divorce, so *she set up an account under her mother's name* and she was on the account, but the mother owned it. She moved over a nice amount of money, thus it not becomming part of the divorce settlement, since it was her "mothers"
> 
> A little FYI, they can be creative. Sorry to hear you live in California, you need to contact a mans right group, CA is brutal for men.


Whoa. Thank you! I would have never even thought of that. I get stressed trying to anticipate her chess moves against me.

This is my source of panic attacks...because I dont know what her next attack on me will be. This is a perfect example of something that could have been going on under my nose the entire relationship only for me to find out later.

I'm going to be straight with her and ask her if she has any joint accounts with ANYONE else. I wonder if its possible to acquire deposit records of that account because it can show where the money has come from.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

I called her just now and she denied having any other open accounts with anyone else.

now I'm wondering if she is being rhetorical....like....she doesnt have any...NOW!


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

ok...called her again. She assures me the accounts I know about are the only one's she's had in her life ever. 

I've done our finances and I'm seeing that in the last 6 years there has always been money left over....a lot of money. For 3 years there was nearly $700-$900 left over each month in the clear...thats after all expenses including little things like entertainment and shopping. At one point she had $10,000 and I dont even know where that went. She has always put on a show of poor-mouth. I used to get so annoyed because she would call me up and act frantic like we would not have any money next month for food. I knew it was bogus because she has made GOOD money for the last 4 years.

Now here's me trying to anticipate her next move...I'm thinking she might have put that money in someone else's account in which her name isnt even on it...maybe her mother's account. She's always felt an obligation to her.

That or she is completely lying and has another account somewhere. I really would rather have no lawyers because we are going to lose a LOT of money that way but I'm afraid I don't trust one word out of her Histrionic mouth.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Wow....$10k, lot of money. In just reading your posts it doesn't sound like she may be being honest but it is hard to know. Keep pushing her though and the sitch will only get worse. Since you are in the same house, just snoop, there may be some evidence somewhere. Of course, I don't know your wife like you do, she may be telling you the truth. I'd just be careful what you say and do right now especially because of your son.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Thanks for the advice. I tried snooping LOL and she caught me. I just dont have it in me I guess. She on the other hand is an expert and thats how she caught me snooping, because she's better at it than I am.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Maybe this will sound impossible, but perhaps you and the wife could agree to share an external apartment for 6 mo separation. You two move back and forth, not the kids. Each week, you change over. I have no idea if that is feasible, but thought I'd throw that out there. I have to say, I'd be happy to share a duplex with my husband in the other half, for the kids' sake, if it comes to that.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

*$20,000!!!*

Well I'm looking over our joint account and I am realizing that she has not deposited any of her income checks in it for the last 6months!

We've basically been living off our tax return from last year and this year, as well as a her year end bonus. The rest she has been pocketing. 

She makes $3400-$3700 a month...thats over $20,000 thats disappearing somewhere. 

I need a lawyer and the lawyers I've talked to already haven't called me back in days. I called them once already and again earlier this morning. 

I went there yesterday to talk to them in person but they told me I had to complete the assets and debts form which they gave me last week and turn it in with a check. I had the form with me but it wasnt complete. I tried completing it more but I dont know half of the questions the form asks...I feel so stuck. She has been disappearing with our family income for years now... What can I do? Should I go find another lawyer and pay another $250 for a consultation? I feel I'm going in circles here.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Wow Tim, I hate to say this but it sounds like she has been planning all this for a while. Gosh I'm sorry. Isn't it just like a knife in the head when you discover all their deceptions, when you have trusted them completely? Do you have a friend that might could help you complete the form? I'd hate to see you go find another lawyer and put out more money only to get the same run around about the forms.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Yeah. She's a liar. She has a real problem. She does things to the point of denial (where she believes her fantasy).

Well...we'll see about all of this. I'm not going to be nice anymore.


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## blind (Jan 17, 2008)

Tim - do whatever it is you need to do to find a lawyer to help you with this. I'd hate to see you have to buck up for another consulation, but if that's what it takes you'll need to do it. Once the divorce is underway, you will have some avenues to help you discover much of the information you seek. You'll be able to obtain banking records, employment records, etc. etc. If any of her money appropriations involved paper other than cash, they can be tracked down although it may take some work. Think outside the box. She gets a paycheck. It has to be negotiated. Her employer will have access to negotiated checks. They will have routing information as to what bank negotiated it. All account transfers are tracked by each banking institution. Get her credit card records, debit transactions, etc. Its tough these days to make money disappear without a paper trail. 

Keep a journal of all conversations and anything else that goes on. It'll be a one sided document, but it can still be helpful during the divorce. Keep it safe and assume she'll be looking for it. 

Check out Dads Divorce: Free Custody, Alimony And Divorce Advice For Men And Fathers. Lots of useful info and support there.

Best of luck. I'm sorry you're having to face this this.

Blind

I went through a divorce last year. Fortunately mine was very smooth and for that I'm thankful. But, I still did my research and was prepared if things had gone the way your's appears to be going.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Thanks. I will refrain from posting until there is some progress in the matter.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

good luck


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Tim,
don't expect the truth. She feels she's protecting herself and her future. She won't tell you. 

Get a lawyer. Get your paperwork (bills, assets, tax returns, bank statements) in order. 

Open an acct. in your name. Even though the assets will be divided, at least you can keep her from hoarding your money.


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