# Husband Not Interested



## stayclassy (Jan 5, 2021)

I've been married 10 years to my husband. He has run hot and cold in the sex department during this time. I have a higher 'drive' than he does. I found out last year he had been looking at porn and while I'm not a prude it probably does explain why we've had 'dry spells' during our marriage. I just always felt like he wasn't attracted to me or was cheating on me but he would say he wasn't. I had no choice to believe him. We get along great!
Anyway, I found porn and all. I told him I'd found it. He stopped looking at it for a while and our sex life improved quite a bit. Porn actually makes me feel terrible about myself because I can't compete with that. I'm not disgusting or ugly by any means, but I'm not enhanced in any way. I try to keep myself up for my husband and be available. 
As of the past month or so he has regressed it seems. This morning he saw me nude and turned away. He hasn't tried to initiate sex in about 3 weeks. I'm not sure what to think. I've asked him how everything is with him and he tells me it's good.. I try to be the best wife in every way. He tells me I am, but I feel so ugly and now my confidence is crap.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

I can't speak to most of your post because if he's not attracted to you anymore and you're keeping yourself fit and in shape there's nothing you can do to change the way he feels other than maybe go see a sex therapist for whatever good that might do other than slim down your pocketbook.

As to the part about "he says he isn't cheating" and "you have no choice but to believe him", well first off cheaters rarely if ever admit it. Do you expect him to say "oh yes, I forgot to mention I'm banging the babysitter, hope that's ok"? You do have a choice not to believe him, if you suspect cheating there are ways to find out. It's probably something you would like to know about so you can figure out your next steps.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

the porn is poisoning him. he needs to stop. i would suggest he join an addiction group.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

stayclassy said:


> Porn actually makes me feel terrible about myself because I can't compete with that. I'm not disgusting or ugly by any means, but I'm not enhanced in any way. I try to keep myself up for my husband and be available.


So -- STOP getting down on yourself about this. NOBODY can compete with porn because it isn't real.
YOU absolutely WIN vs porn -- you are real, willing, and able. Beats porn by 1000%.

HOWEVER, porn CAN mess up a persons head, and is probably doing that to your husband. 
He NEEDS to stop it a)because it is messing HIS thinking/desire up, and most importantly b) it is HURTING YOU.
HE needs to understand that -- REALLY understand that and think about what he is doing to your relationship with this.
Ask him if he continues, and it caused us to get further apart and we get divorced, would he think the porn was worth it?


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## stayclassy (Jan 5, 2021)

I had actually never watched porn until I found his. It was completely not what I thought it was! I couldn't look like that with any amount of lighting or spray tans! I actually told him I wanted my abs done and breast augmentation since this and I have never even thought about it in my life. Needless to say, I can't know for sure if he's still viewing it. He leaves his phone around so I could look to see what he's looking at when before he was secretive.
I'm just trusting or maybe naive because I would want to be trusted/can be. I shouldn't and don't want to be digging for problems.
I did tell him if I found it again I would leave. He said it wasn't worth it. 
I just don't understand why he's not interested in me and really has no reason to give me as to why he isn't. He says everything is fine and he thinks I'm beautiful but he doesn't tough me and it's obvious doesn't want me sexually.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You need to have a serious conversation with him about the why. I may NOT be that he isn't interested. If he has watched too much porn, he may not "rise to the occasion" in real life and he may be worrying himself to death over that.
Maybe he does have ED and is too embarrassed to have you find out.
You will not know unless he tells you flat out what his issues are. If the two of you can't discuss it to your satisfaction, suggest going to a marriage counselor to discuss.


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## stayclassy (Jan 5, 2021)

Yes, he can.. It's more of he's not interested and not going to initiate. 
I've tried talking and I'm about tired of that because it's always the same 'nothing going on' never will go beyond that. I don't like arguments so I just let it go. I'm not going to beg for his sexual attention. Just can't understand a man's thinking 🤔 lol


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Porn can seriously damage both the one looking, their spouse and their marriage. Nothing will improve unless he stops for good. You have told him that if he does it again you will leave, so see what happens.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

stayclassy said:


> Yes, he can.. It's more of he's not interested and not going to initiate.
> I've tried talking and I'm about tired of that because it's always the same 'nothing going on' never will go beyond that. I don't like arguments so I just let it go. I'm not going to beg for his sexual attention. Just can't understand a man's thinking 🤔 lol


Ok so he isn't going to initiate. How often do you initiate?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I would just stop asking, stop initiating and see if things change.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I always feel like such a cad when I have to ask this, but it has to be considered.

Are you good at sex? Are you Good, Giving, and Game? Having a higher drive is not the same as having skill and enthusiasm. 

Are you two sexually compatible? Do you both like the same things, with the same sense of adventure in the bedroom, or do you find yourselves at cross-purposes on what you like and are willing to try? Is your husband into things that you don't like, find repulsive, or make him go without (and there is no blame here).

I can only speak from my experience of how a woman who is willing to have sex can still be someone with whom you are not terribly interested in having sex, and it can have nothing to do with porn, porn stars, or how you look.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Another possibility is that you have rejected him in the past when he has tried to initiate so he turns to porn because it’s not worth the bother.

That’s what I did for the bulk of my marriage until I decided to stop.

If my wife was ready to go every time I initiated she’d probably have trouble walking.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

stayclassy said:


> Just can't understand a man's thinking 🤔 lol


It important for you to know, we’re not all alike in our thinking. You would have this problem with some men, but there are others you would not.

He might be able to change, he might care to. He might change. He might not.

But please don’t resign yourself to the notion this is just how men are. Don’t surrender any power you have to find better circumstances for yourself.


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## DoctorManhattan (Jan 22, 2019)

Did you ever make him feel insecure? Previous constant rejection? Have you ever cheated on him? There are so many factors which may or may not be your fault. 
I don't understand.
I have questions for myself.
Wish you peace and happiness.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Please don't change your body to compete with something as unrealistic as porn.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

sokillme said:


> Please don't change your body to compete with something as unrealistic as porn.


This. 

Don't try to become a porn star either. You'll never be able to stay competitive with millions of women and millions of (increasingly taboo) scenarios. You shouldn't have to try. He either loves you enough to do the work, or he is basically telling you he'd rather cheat on you with porn IMO. 

Look up porn addiction. If he won't make a choice, I'd say make the choice for him. You deserve better.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Porn can mess up a marriage.
It isn’t real , it is staged and doesn’t keep you warm at night.
You are willing and able and still have desire for him... does he realize what some men would give to have their wives still wanting to be active in the bedroom after being married that long.
Porn can mess with peoples heads ... male and female.
It is a huge wall between a couple.... and very harmful.
Don’t ever feel you have to compete with that, you’re 500% better.
You are real, willing and want him.
Porn is an addiction if it is taking over from sex with a real, interested willing partner.
Its nothing about you, and all about him.
He needs to make a choice.
Hope he makes the realistic one.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You're going to have to insist he stays off the porn. They get used to looking at those fake bodies and those paid women volunteering to do things a lot of women are not about to do. They get addicted to their favorite scenarios and it becomes harder for them to have real life sex.


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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

stayclassy said:


> I've been married 10 years to my husband. He has run hot and cold in the sex department during this time. *This morning he saw me nude and turned away.* *He hasn't tried to initiate sex in about 3 weeks. *


As a man, this seems *HIGHLY* abnormal. The last "porn" I spent any time with was a Playboy magazine as a teenager. No way porn can even begin to compete with a real live willing woman, especially a naked one?! Believe you mentioned elsewhere that he is able to "get it up", at least every three weeks. The "hot and cold" during the first decade of marriage is also highly unusual IMHO. He ought to be jumping you whenever you have time ( for sure I was lol ). Lot of men complain the wife has lost interest during the first decade, not the other way around. In fact, cant recall any of my friends who weren't DTF anytime the wife was willing.

Were you aggressive sexually early in your marriage? For most men, an aggressively passionate woman is a huge turn-on, but some passive men can be intimidated. If your husband is like that, maybe he is afraid of you? Throw in a few negative comments about his poor response and when he sees you ready for action, he runs away. The porn actresses on the screen or in the magazine are no threat, but you are. This is probably hard to believe, but I had a friend in college so traumatized by an aggressive date that when he would see her on campus he would avoid meeting her at all costs.

Did you ever deliver negative messages to him about the "hot and cold" early in your marriage? Being HD, it might have been normal to express your natural frustration to him. Some men can be unusually sensitive to critical remarks from a woman about their sexual performance, and a few can shutdown the whole circus. 

Otherwise am wondering if he has a hormone problem ( low T), so interest isn't very high and he is attempting to jumpstart himself with porn? Of course he probably doesn't want to talk about it because he knows things aren't normal. He needs to see a competent urologist first to diagnose physical problems, and a therapist to break any porn addiction ASAP before wheels totally fall off of the marriage, not sure how to make him do that.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

When I looked at porn during my marriage life (during the prolonged dry spells), I always made sure that the ladies looked like my wife, body-wise, in case my wife found it...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Are you sure he's looking at the women in porn?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Are you sure he's looking at the women in porn?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Please don't change your body to compete with something as unrealistic as porn.


Absolutely. I feel SOOOO sad when women think they have to try and compete with other women, especially those surgically enhanced porn actresses, and it make me SOOO angry at the men who make their wives feel that way. How dare they. Personally I would not put up with that for a second. If a man doesn't want me and would rather watch other women on porn, he is out. Thankfully as I have got older and have been though more, I have got more serure in my self than I did when I was younger, I dont care what other women look like and I wouldnt stand for this.
Op make sure you mean what you said about what you will do if he does it again.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


stayclassy said:



I did tell him if I found it again I would leave. He said it wasn't worth it.

Click to expand...

*He knows you won't. Hell, even my Pomeranian knows you won't.

It's painfully *obvious* how naive you are and worse, you're as passive as hell. The more this guy ****s all over you, the faster you desperately dance in a pitiful attempt to "win" his love and attention. Ugh.

Please find your dignity.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

This isn't you or your looks, or anything as a person so just know that.

He shouldn't be turning you down and such long gaps.

To gather a bit more background I believe @Cletus asked and I didn't see an answer but it needs to be at least brought up:

Are you good at sex? By that I mean passionate, do various positions you bring about, give good oral to completion including ejaculating in mouth etc, variations, ie do things with him as a ltr H like handjobs, toys, mutual masturbation, everyone orgasms anywhere on bodies, etc?

Please excuse me throwing out things you may or may not be comfortable talking about but in any ltr M variety in all areas waxes and wanes but there is a variety of things involved in good sex with a H.

The point I'm making is sex all the time just one way one position to orgasm isn't good sex but some folks get that thought that one way all the time is acceptable.

Is there honestly this type of variety, or ?

The answer across the spectrum is generally somewhere in the middle.

Where do you think you fall in the sexual variety range? Do you tell him no on oral or anything besides PIV?

He needs to take responsibility for communicating his preferences on variety he desires and not lock in on porn.

Along the same lines where do your sexual skills lie? Please don't think I'm saying it's you but believe this honest bit of info is very important.

Again, sorry if this is a bit personal but it is a critical part of the solution.

I thought I'd add, I've been M 36yrs, just fyi, and these are important topics between partners over the years.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@stayclassy just a reminder, hang in there. If nothing changes and there is good sex when it happens between you two but still long gaps, you'll have some hard decisions to make.

If you're comfortable with answering, what are your ages, are there any children, any significant health or weight issues his or you, and when was his last full physical?

I'm assuming there are none of these issues but didn't see any supporting details.

Also beware of ultimatums unless you're ready to act on them. Sometimes they are very unproductive especially if not acting on them.

What's an acceptable number of times per week for sex for you? Will you be happy if that number is reached or exceeded of quality sex?

Are there other issues outside of porn affecting data to day non sexual interactions?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He's treating you like a roommate. Think of all of the things you do for a husband that you would never do for a roommate such as: concern yourself with his health, cook for him, do his laundry, handle medical/dental appointments, help with his social obligations, help with his familial obligations, try to cheer him up when he's down, suck up to his boss and boss' wife, look after his wardrobe etc. and STOP doing them. He doesn't get a wife when he treats you like a roommate. Refuse to be a roommate.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Btw, OP, I just saw your questions on homeschooling thread, that answers the question, just one child, or?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I'm just trying to think why I would not desire my wife any more (as an hypothetical question, since we are not a "couple" any more...) I can think of a few of things... she got too thin/fat or turned into some kind of unbearable tyrant, or depressed/unfun individual, or maybe no effort in bed/boring sex?


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

stayclassy said:


> I've been married 10 years to my husband. He has run hot and cold in the sex department during this time. I have a higher 'drive' than he does. I found out last year he had been looking at porn and while I'm not a prude it probably does explain why we've had 'dry spells' during our marriage. I just always felt like he wasn't attracted to me or was cheating on me but he would say he wasn't. I had no choice to believe him. We get along great!
> Anyway, I found porn and all. I told him I'd found it. He stopped looking at it for a while and our sex life improved quite a bit. Porn actually makes me feel terrible about myself because I can't compete with that. I'm not disgusting or ugly by any means, but I'm not enhanced in any way. I try to keep myself up for my husband and be available.
> As of the past month or so he has regressed it seems. This morning he saw me nude and turned away. He hasn't tried to initiate sex in about 3 weeks. I'm not sure what to think. I've asked him how everything is with him and he tells me it's good.. I try to be the best wife in every way. He tells me I am, but I feel so ugly and now my confidence is crap.



Wow. If I were you, I'd try to set things on a better path---I think there's hope.

For me, I find masturbation to be juvenile and not anywhere near as good as real sex. But some men apparently differ here. . . I find porn also VERY frustrating because there are all these beautiful women out there fukkin and I'm not the one fukkin all these hundreds of thousands of berserk women. Male sex drive. So if I watch porn I just great very frustrated.

ONE thing to be KEENLY aware of (and I'm speaking of this from a very sad recent family pain) is that porn use might be an indication that your husband is NOT able to be completely emotionally intimate with you.

Do you feel there's a part of him you've never reached or know?

I think there are porn using men who have deep issues with exposing their emotions and being emotionally vulnerable . . . not so much the so-called mythical toxic masculinity BS . . . but more from an earlier hurt or pain in teen or childhood years. In the case I know of, the man grew up in an emotionally distant family, where he was left alone a lot, and always had to prove himself to his parents to get any affection. So he never shuck that fear of open emotional intimacy and brought it into the marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I find it sad and pretty annoying when people make suggestions that imply its the fault of the one being treated badly because they may not do certain quite specific things in bed, or maybe they are not 'good enough' in sex. I don't see it as any different from accusing a person who has been physically cheated on being blamed for the adultery for the same reasons. 
This mans behaviour is 100% down to him. He chooses to do it knowing that it makes his wife feel rejected and not good enough.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

I would ask him to go to his doctor and ask to have his testosterone checked. I have low testosterone and know many others who do. Lower sex drive is one of the symptoms. There can be many other symptoms such as lethargy but I would make sure there is no medical cause.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I find it sad and pretty annoying when people make suggestions that imply its the fault of the one being treated badly because they may not do certain quite specific things in bed...


I for one am sad that my reality annoys you. But you don't get to redefine it for me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Cletus said:


> I for one am sad that my reality annoys you. But you don't get to redefine it for me.


I just prefer not to blame the one being treated badly. The blame lies 100% on the one doing the wrong thing. Just as it does in any sot of cheating or bad behaviour.
Some men watch porn no matter what their wives do, and some dont even if they get little sex.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I just prefer not to blame the one being treated badly. The blame lies 100% on the one doing the wrong thing. Just as it does in any sot of cheating or bad behaviour.


There's no blame to assign here. Sexually incompatible people are not in some winner-take-all contest of right and wrong. They are two perfectly reasonable humans who do not have a mutual common understanding of what it means to be sexual together. 

One partner losing interest in the other because of this is not "treating the other badly". They are reacting as anyone would to a no-win situation. 

Now I could go divorce my wife of 35 years because the sexual wedge between us has hurt our bedroom relationship. I won't bore you with the excruciating details of how that would be the truly abusive decision. As an advocate for sustaining the marital vows of "for better or worse", one would hope you had the capacity to understand that this is some of the latter.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Cletus said:


> I for one am sad that my reality annoys you. But you don't get to redefine it for me.



I get what you're both saying. Can I ask a question in response, though - if there are certain acts you need (specific kinks or something like that) and can't do without, shouldn't that be something you bring up with a partner really early on? It's natural to continue to explore together as a couple, but if there's something that a person feels they cannot function without, it makes sense to me that they would bring that up really early. Not saying it is either partner's fault if one person feels unsatisfied, but if there is something specific you need, shouldn't you be able to communicate that to your partner?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

joannacroc said:


> I get what you're both saying. Can I ask a question in response, though - if there are certain acts you need (specific kinks or something like that) and can't do without, shouldn't that be something you bring up with a partner really early on? It's natural to continue to explore together as a couple, but if there's something that a person feels they cannot function without, it makes sense to me that they would bring that up really early. Not saying it is either partner's fault if one person feels unsatisfied, but if there is something specific you need, shouldn't you be able to communicate that to your partner?


One would hope you can -- if you establish that type of communications early in the relationship (MANY do not do this, and that sets a bad precedent for the rest of their relationship). Some folks I think are too shy or would feel too vulnerable to discuss kinks/fetishes early on in a relationship.

Also, sometimes things change over time -- things you NEVER thought about with sex early on, maybe later in the relationship they start becoming "interesting" or even required by one partner. Again, hopefully the relationship at that point has great communications to allow that to be discussed.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

joannacroc said:


> I get what you're both saying. Can I ask a question in response, though - if there are certain acts you need (specific kinks or something like that) and can't do without, shouldn't that be something you bring up with a partner really early on? It's natural to continue to explore together as a couple, but if there's something that a person feels they cannot function without, it makes sense to me that they would bring that up really early. Not saying it is either partner's fault if one person feels unsatisfied, but if there is something specific you need, shouldn't you be able to communicate that to your partner?


Yes. I'll give you the Cliff's notes -

Married young to a near-virgin who required chastity before marriage, too young and naïve to realize that you had to discuss sex as I had previous partners but no issues. In my case, we are not talking about kink. I have a wife who will not let me touch her sexually below the waist, barely tolerates any sexual touch of any kind, will not engage in nor receive oral sex, doesn't care for toys of any kind, who finds experimentation to be mildly nauseating, and thinks basically that sex consists of 20 minutes of missionary PIV every time. Not asexual by any means, but very sexually limited.

So "what I cannot do without" isn't anything in the realm of the unusual, at least if listening to the Savage Lovecast is any guide. Early on for us meant the honeymoon, by which time the die is cast - so you will also see me advocate for "test driving" a prospective spouse as an imperfect hedge against these kinds of unresolvable problems.

Communicating it to your partner is the easy half of the battle. If what you need is beyond their ability, then there is no happy resolution. As in all things, the partner with the least interest has the most power. So I did compromise for three decades to accommodate her style - but that wears you out over the years, just as it would have worn on her to be continually giving that which she disliked - in general, it probably being preferable to do without something you want than for the other to continually do something they actually dislike. 

I'm not trying to sidetrack the conversation to my marriage - that topic is more or less already closed, and I am truly not unhappy. But do I desire my partner like I once did? No, I do not. I am resigned, reasonably content, and glad to be free of the longing that I struggled with for so many years. I also vocally refuse to be called the bad guy for it. I put in my time, I did my part, and I compromised as much as anyone should be asked to do so.
You might think it natural to continue to experiment and grow with your sexual partner, but that idea is not universal. Or, as my wife would say if it were her speaking, it doesn' matter what I do because it's never enough. Which is true - because the gulf is just too wide to bridge.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Married young to a *near-virgin*


Is a near-virgin like near-beer - almost none but maybe some?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

So to bring this back around to the original topic, all of that was simply to point out that there are ways that a spouse can lose interest in sex that don't make them evil, deadbeat, or a porn addict, and that IF your marriage is suffering from something like this, then some of the burden of fixing it may lie with you. It's just food for thought, and reject it if it does not apply. I would never try to shoehorn your situation into my reality unless it was a close fit.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Is a near-virgin like near-beer - almost none but maybe some?


It's a bit like the Federal rat feces limit in your cereal - non-zero, but negligible.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Cletus said:


> There's no blame to assign here. Sexually incompatible people are not in some winner-take-all contest of right and wrong. They are two perfectly reasonable humans who do not have a mutual common understanding of what it means to be sexual together.
> 
> One partner losing interest in the other because of this is not "treating the other badly". They are reacting as anyone would to a no-win situation.
> 
> Now I could go divorce my wife of 35 years because the sexual wedge between us has hurt our bedroom relationship. I won't bore you with the excruciating details of how that would be the truly abusive decision. As an advocate for sustaining the marital vows of "for better or worse", one would hope you had the capacity to understand that this is some of the latter.


We do need to take responsibility for what we do to help or harm the marriage. Him watching porn which is clearly deeply hurting his wife, is going to lead to a divorce if he doesnt stop. 
Porn can easily make men loose interest in their partners because they cant possibly complete. So yes, it is treating the other badly. Very badly.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

joannacroc said:


> I get what you're both saying. Can I ask a question in response, though - if there are certain acts you need (specific kinks or something like that) and can't do without, shouldn't that be something you bring up with a partner really early on? It's natural to continue to explore together as a couple, but if there's something that a person feels they cannot function without, it makes sense to me that they would bring that up really early. Not saying it is either partner's fault if one person feels unsatisfied, but if there is something specific you need, shouldn't you be able to communicate that to your partner?


Please please dont blame yourself because your husband may watch porn. Its no more your fault than if he cheated physically. It also sounds as if you are willing to have sex a lot but that he rejects you. Some will watch porn no matter what their wives do, and some wont watch it no matter what because thats the sort of men they are.
Your husband has a willing wife but he chooses porn over you, thats his choice but he needs to know that it may lead to him loosing you. Those are the consequences.


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

As a White Man in America, I agree with Diana above. Not your bad, by any means, my friend.

I would just add that he might have emotional difficulties prior to the porn use, which might or might not be helped by counseling.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

The Mighty Fred said:


> As a White Man in America, I agree with Diana above. Not your bad, by any means, my friend.
> 
> I would just add that he might have emotional difficulties prior to the porn use, which might or might not be helped by counseling.


You used the term White Man. Better watch it, someone will call that a racist remark.

😉😉😉


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