# Past issues, shyness, how to get past?



## irishgirl77 (May 14, 2008)

Hello,
My fiance & I have been trying to get back on track with each other sexually after a couple of rough years. He used to be addicted to porn and we have successfully worked through that issue together. But this problem did leave me with a lot of insecurities and hurt. Not only were we going through this issue, but I was diagnosed with a medical issue that I now have to take meds for and those have greatly decreased my sexual desire. On top of this, I was raised by staunch Catholics...need I say more?  So I've always been VERY shy and insecure and sometimes even ashamed when it comes to sex. 

My question is, how have some of you let go of the hurt you've experienced from your SO? How were you able to open yourself up again when it came to sex and get past your fears and insecurities? Like I said, I've always been so shy and these last couple of years have kind of locked that part of myself away and I've had a very hard time accessing it. 

I hope this post makes sense.:scratchhead:
Thanks for reading!


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

Communication is the key and then you just gotta let go of the past because that is where it should remain. If he is out of the porn watching then all the power to you. I was raised catholic and I love part of what it did for me I do not feel ashamed or insecure when it comes to sex and procreation that is why we are here IMO. I suggest you talk to your doctor about the decrease in your libido caused from your meds maybe he/she can try a different med. I also would try to do everything in my power not to stay on any meds unless it is for heart, bp, diabetes (that is just me) or something else that is life threatening. I found that exercise and nutrition helped depression, decreased my bp and helped my headaches. As for shyness, you have to work on getting over that, you need to feel positive about who you are and how much you deserve to enjoy sex and intimacy. Remember it is natural and something that is very loving between a couple. Please try to put issues that are in the past in the past where they belong. I hope this post made sense back. 
Hugs


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

irishgirl77 said:


> My question is, how have some of you let go of the hurt you've experienced from your SO? How were you able to open yourself up again when it came to sex and get past your fears and insecurities?


I can relate pretty well to how you feel. For me, it came down to the lessor of two evils...either I open up or run serious risk of losing my husband. I think that being shy is so part of who I am that it is something I will always need to work on. 

I too, was very hurt when I found my husband was regularly looking at porn. I did a lot of searching online to see what other men said about it and what I found was pretty consistent. That they are 'wired' to think about sex and look at women in a sexual way. I was able to resolve this by thinking if that is the case, then I guess if he had to pick some way to relieve these urges images on a screen are far better than looking at/flirting with actual women. 

I did not see any responses from men saying they found their partner unattractive or were looking for something better, etc. In fact, many said just the opposite. Most said it was used as 'filler' if their partner's sex drive was lower than theirs. Of course I wanted to believe my husband was one of the few guys who didn't get into that stuff, but if it's any comfort to you, it was nothing to do with you. 

In the end, I just made the choice to open up & tear down that wall of protection I built, because it was no longer working for me. Mentally, I told myself I needed to go after what I wanted and not worry about my husband's reaction. Cosmo is a good resource to see what others are doing and will hopefully help with the eeew thoughts to hmmm that sounds interesting. I definitely kept a pace I was comfortable with...meaning, I wouldn't dress up for him if I was totally uncomfortable with it because it probably wouldn't be very exciting for him if I was feeling totally stupid vs sexy. I think the biggest turn-on for both men and women is when their partner is totally attracted to them. You don't necessarily have to alter what you are doing in any drastic way initially, but maybe the first step would be to initiate intimacy ie jump his bones. Imagine you are the most beautiful goddess alive (even if you don't believe it otherwise) because at that moment, he does 

Being with your husband is the closest bond you have, and if you are able to let go and enjoy it your marriage will only be stronger. I don't see anything in that to feel guilty or ashamed of.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Irish, how old are you may I ask?

My wife grew up going to catholic school all her life, even college.

Her freshmen year in college she was asked to be in a Menage a trois, she had no idea what they were talking about.

When I entered her life she was a virgin, and had a rule of not dating men more then two months, I obviously broke the mold.

Anyway, comming from a catholic backround, it has pretty much been instilled in you that sex is bad, everything associated with sex is bad.

My wife would only have sex in the missionary position for a long time. Basically I had to "break her down" I had to have her get over her insecurities, about who she was, her body, her self image, her outward image.

It took a long time but she has gotten over most of it, still working on other things.

But communication and trust has alot to do with it and your partner.

But rule #1 SEX IS GOOD!! good for you, good for your spouse, good for all involved (you two). You will have urges, enjoy them, do not surpress your curiousity, be experimental, try new things, don't be shy, it is the love of your life, he will enjoy exploring with you.

Communication is the key, tell your spouse your fantasies and what interest you.....Remember NOTHING is bad in this area.

My wife would never use a vibrator, it was bad!! Now she has the best one on the market and uses it all the time.

Porn is bad!....Now she watches it with me, reads books with me.

You will SLOWLY have to come out of your shell, break down the barriers that have been set up mentally by your life.

It is up to you and hopefully your spouse can help you.

Communication
Trust 
respect

all key issues. best of luck.....unleash your wild nature!


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

also as sweedish stated...

I look at porn myself, so does my wife....

but Nothing and I mean NOTHING is the explict pics I have of my wife (taken by me) and our home movies we filmed together... Why?? Because I drool over my wife.

So that being said...

My wife says, "no" I am horny....I need to "release"

So I go pull out our home "movie" of her in her school girl outfit...

I am good to go...call it what you want, but I tell you right now, you do a Photo session for your hubby or make a "home movie' it will help you both out.

Read my above post, my wife was mrs. catholic....getting her to take sexy pics was a gradual thing, body shy etc. It took some "teeth pulling" but now she does it no problem and even comes up with idea's.

We have three kids, so when she hears she is better looking now then when we met....she enjoys that 

May I ask what your taking your medication for?


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> My wife grew up going to catholic school all her life, even college.
> 
> 
> Anyway, comming from a catholic backround, it has pretty much been instilled in you that sex is bad, everything associated with sex is bad.
> ...


Okay, I grew up in the same catholic fashion. I understood that you saved yourself till marriage but I don't get the part about it being instilled that sex is bad. I know I must have been in a different catholic school.  In fact most of the catholic schools I know about had the wild kids. You are stereotyping that catholics have hang-ups about sex. I disagree with this. I know that the 10 commandments state not to commit adultery or covet your neighbor's wife but I don't think there was anything taught to me that sex was bad and I can only have sex in the missionary position. I always thought it was encouraged when you were married. Especially because catholics wanted to have large families. Just a different catholic opinion. As for looking at mags or reading stories it enhanced sex with my hubby.


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## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

First I would talk to your dr. about if there is any way that you can switch medications? As for the problems with your husband it obviously have lost trust and even though you are working on it and he is doing better after reading your post it just sounds like you haven't gotten to the place where you completely trust him yet.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Happy, good reply, different people have different takes from what information was handed to them in school. I was raised catholic for the record, but I went to a Public school (bad boy, bad boy whatcha going to do)

Anyway for my wife she always viewed anything that was sexual as bad, that is the impression she got from her teachings, I had to break those barriers down. avibrator was out of the question for her....until....etc.

You really can't generalize any particular schooling, as you said, your school might ahve been more "accepting" as her school wasn't, or she just pulled different levels of acceptence from what was taught.

but I see alot of Irish in my wife, she has supressed any urges or acceptence of what is viewed by the church.

Yes catholics are supposed to wait until marriage to have sex, then push out as many kids possible. We don't follow that, remember using a condem is a bad thing by the catholic church.

But I agree with that generizing all catholics is not what I meant only for my wife and what she got from it and the battle we ahd over comming those teachings. Irish may have the same hang ups as my wife, she will need to work through those and realize it is ok to try new things and new positions with the man she loves.

just trying to help her break down that barrier, but I find it cool you stuck to your guns and spoke your mind. Kudos.


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## irishgirl77 (May 14, 2008)

Thanks to you ALL for your replies. I do identify with exactly what GAsoccerman said about Catholic & sexual hang ups etc. My school/church did imply to us that anything having to do with sex is bad - masturbation, everything. We were basically told we were sinning if we had those type of thoughts, ever masturbated, or had sex before marriage. I still remember my sex ed classes in grade school and then again before getting confirmed. To this day, those rediculous teachings follow me everywhere. It's true that Catholics are encouraged to have many children, but that's the only time "they should be having sex" - only to procreate. No where were we taught that sex is about love and trust and not just about procreation.

Anyways, I appreciate all of your replies and it does make me feel better to know that there are others out there who have made it past this barrier. Today is my hubby-to-be's birthday. I bought him a couple of books for us to read together and the new Yours & Mine by KY so we'll see if we make it to work tomorrow.:smthumbup: He'll be very surprised and happy to say the least!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hmmm...funny to me how all these teachings seem to have one thing in common...save up all the natural urges for making more Catholics 

I'm so glad to hear you are moving forward to address your insecurities. Have a great night


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Hey Irish, best of luck with this, I know it will be a mental challenge for you. 

My wife really ahd to struggle and let go.....

Just remember you are doing this with the man you love, that is ALWAYS good!! never bad, never dirty.

Talk to him, tell him your struggles and to be patient and to work with you on "evolving"

Masturbation is not bad, nothing is bad when it is with the person you love.

Best of luck. get yourself a karma sutra book or a love making book..open a new world for yourself!

Love can be spectacular.


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