# Am I being tested?



## twenty8 (Jan 31, 2010)

My wife had an affair approx. 3 years ago.. We worked through it made some changes and things went great. I still have some trigger issues mostly holidays and my birthday due to the fact all this happened around this time.. Anyways up to 2 weeks ago Im as happy as ever, have come to trust her, and feel very confident.. Then I find out she secretly began to have contact (facebook)with the OM's ex wife who happened to be her best friend in college. We had agreed this was gonna be a no can do.. To this day I think she's the one who influenced her to hook up with her ex though my wife denies it.. We have been together for almost 20 years. Im at a loss right now.. I know nothing happened( or at least think), but the trust I had come to regain is now gone.. again..

What has me confused is that up til 2 weeks ago I loved her unconditionally.. Now I just don't see her the same and she and I both know it.. Is that possible.

oh, and todays my BDay to boot..


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

how did you find out?


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## twenty8 (Jan 31, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> how did you find out?


She showed me one of her emails. told me she(her friend) was reaching out to her and how she wanted to continue their friendship. Turns out she was testing me to see how I would react and thus,determining my reaction,wether to continue talking to her or not. Turns out they had already been emailing through facebook. She had even gone as far as making a fake account.. I checked her email cause i just had a bad vibe from that email.. sorry to say she had all her facebook notifications still in her email..


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She has clearly crossed the boundaries by setting up the fake account. Apparently there was no consequences to her actions. Look she cheated on you, betrayed your marriage and put your health at risk for STD's a couple of years ago and you are happy as a claim up to two weeks ago?

She continues to engage in deceptive behavior. If the roles had been reversed do you think she would have been so accepting of this humiliating and disrespectful behavior as you have been? Her current actions indicate once again that she has no respect for you. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I hope previously you both were checked for STD's. Sorry but she is still playing you for a fool.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Maybe she's getting a little complacent with your R.
Happy B'day by the way.


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

Being secretive about it gives you reasons to doubt her, Like if she is hiding this what else is she hiding. You should tell her that you dont like being lied to and she should have told you about this from the very begining.

I would install a key logger onto the computer she uses just to make sure. Monitor it for a month or so and see what happens. This allows you to keep an eye on her activities and lets you see if she is hiding anything else from you. Should she be hiding anything else then I would not only confront her but I would break it off with her as well. She cheated (not saying she is now) and the whole point of R is to rebuild your trust, She is destroying the trust you have rebuilt over the past few years by doing what she is doing.


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## twenty8 (Jan 31, 2010)

asylumspadez said:


> Being secretive about it gives you reasons to doubt her, Like if she is hiding this what else is she hiding. You should tell her that you dont like being lied to and she should have told you about this from the very begining.
> 
> I would install a key logger onto the computer she uses just to make sure. Monitor it for a month or so and see what happens. This allows you to keep an eye on her activities and lets you see if she is hiding anything else from you. Should she be hiding anything else then I would not only confront her but I would break it off with her as well. She cheated (not saying she is now) and the whole point of R is to rebuild your trust, She is destroying the trust you have rebuilt over the past few years by doing what she is doing.


This is what worries me.. She took this risk now, what happens in 5, 10, 15 years? As far as the computer thing I just don't really want to go that far.. We have 2 laptops, an IPAD, and a Tablet.. We have 3 kids so someone is on the internet all the time.. I honestly don't know what the hell to do.. We've been together so long I'm scared for both her and myself if we were to seperate.. I brought up having some time apart and she said we might as well divorce because she doesn't think I would return.. I asked her how could she know but I also agreed that it's a possibility..


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

28, I agree w/ you that you have to be concerned about what her thinking will be 15 yrs from now. I'm going on 12 yrs post d-day. We've successfully reconciled. My wife has done everything necessary to keep us together. I'm still in love with her. BUT had she tested me the way your wife has done to you, I would have protected myself by walking away.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*This is what worries me.. She took this risk now, what happens in 5, 10, 15 years? * You do not have crystal ball, but you know her past and what she is doing now.

*As far as the computer thing I just don't really want to go that far.. * Your wife has a problem and if you don't set things up to keep her straight it will get worse and perhaps it is already much worse then you know.

Get rid of Facebook. In your wife's case it is evil. You state that she was not to contact her college friend and if that is what she agreed to do then your wife has disrespected you again.

Where is her accountability?

If you agreed to no contact with this friend then her lies are starting all over again. If she is lying she is back to her old behavior.

I hate to say this but based on what you are saying, you are in deep manure and you better get a grip on you, because if you haven't already you are about to lose your wife and do you really want to go through that crap again?


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

It sounds to me as though you are checking out of the marriage by the second with this. She needs to know what a big deal this is for you.
If she can't see that then you are in trouble.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

She's lying again and making a fake e-mail account = red flag.

I think at this point you're indifferent to all of it. If it happens you can just leave and not look back at all. When you asked for a break, she brought up the D word right away.

Call her bluff.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> She's lying again and making a fake e-mail account = red flag.
> 
> I think at this point you're indifferent to all of it. If it happens you can just leave and not look back at all. When you asked for a break, she brought up the D word right away.
> 
> Call her bluff.


If she is testing you then you need to pass this test! Tell her what you found and let her know that she has failed in her attempts to save her marriage. File for divorce and let her know that transparency was/is for life and dishonesty is a deal breaker. You can't ride the roller coaster forever and keep your sanity.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

twenty8 said:


> She showed me one of her emails. told me she(her friend) was reaching out to her and how she wanted to continue their friendship. Turns out she was testing me to see how I would react and thus,determining my reaction,wether to continue talking to her or not. Turns out they had already been emailing through facebook. She had even gone as far as making a fake account.. I checked her email cause i just had a bad vibe from that email.. sorry to say she had all her facebook notifications still in her email..


How does she explain her deceit? Does she act like she really cares? I would have to use a keylogger to know nothing else is going on unless you have decided to bail. How is she acting (remorseful/scared) now? Have you asked her why she would take such a risk?

How did you find out she was cheating 3 years ago? Who was it with? Have you checked her emails etc. for fake names?


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

> She's lying again and making a fake e-mail account = red flag.
> 
> I think at this point you're indifferent to all of it. If it happens you can just leave and not look back at all. When you asked for a break, she brought up the D word right away.
> 
> Call her bluff.


Agreed. Call a laywer and schedule a consult. Don't hide the fact that you are going. You don't have to file for divorce, but he can give you the paperwork to fill out to get things going. This in and of itself might shake some sense into her. If it doesn't then have him file. See what happens when you have her served. I'll bet she shows you a side of her you have never seen before.

As for the computers and all.... why not just shut off your internet? If you are paying for her internet and cell phone, then shut them both off. Remember, fifteen years or so back you got along fine without them. Why should you spend your hard earned money facilitating her cheating ways? If she wants a relationship with her ****ty girlfriend so bad, then she can pay the fees herself.


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## TMWFYB (Feb 7, 2012)

One thing Ive learnt over the years is if your trust has diminished based on factual information, then you as the individual has to make a decision. Its not good to stay in a situation hoping it will get better if there is realistic doubt


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> *This is what worries me.. She took this risk now, what happens in 5, 10, 15 years? * You do not have crystal ball, but you know her past and what she is doing now.
> 
> *As far as the computer thing I just don't really want to go that far.. * Your wife has a problem and if you don't set things up to keep her straight it will get worse and perhaps it is already much worse then you know.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The thing I have learned is to listen to your gut about the truth, not what you want it to be.

Blow her out of the water now. She is clearly engaging in lies and deceit. She is testing you to see if you are a wimp who will accept her pushing agreed upon boundaries.

Btw. Did you out the OM to his wife? Did you expose the affair? If not then the next thing you need to do is call the OMW an fully exposé his affair with your wife. She deserves to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She cheated, she put the mge. at risk, she got caught, she knew all the parties involved, who she was to stay NC, with FOREVER. she was allowed a chance to R., and she knew her boundaries---she crossed the line, and she planned on doing so----so we already have, deceit, manipulation, lying, and conniving.

You will obviously do what you decide to do-----but if you stay and give her a 3rd chance-----you had better make it plain to her where you stand with all of this, and by that I mean, it is time to become extremely harsh, with your wife.

If you stay, you lay out her boundaries, and if she violates anything, tell her D. is immediatly on the table.

Make her sign a post--nup agreement with a duress clause, make the split about 80-20, if kids are involved you are to be the custodial parent

She is not to be allowed on any social websites at all for any reason, she allows you complete control of her phone, computer, and all accounts thereon

She accounts for her time and whereabouts to you, until you become tired of being her parole officer, but you do need to play the role for a while, cuz it is obvious your wife is prone to pushing the envelope, in rether men.

You do not be mr. nice--guy, or lovey--dovey, for a period of time----she must know accountability, and boundaries. you make it plain to her, and do it coldly, with icy calm, but be harsh---tell her any kind of violation results in D.

Your wife has to know how serious you are, and how serious all this BS, she is involved in is.

Then again, if you do not wish to give her, a 3rd chance---just tell her, you have had enuff of her BS, and the 2 of you are headed for D.!!!!!!!


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