# Making a vow to future step daughter



## jduggan (Mar 3, 2015)

So I will be getting married in a few months and my future wife and I both have children from previous relationships.

We have decided to write our own vows. She recently told me how she wants us to also wrote vows to our children. I feel that this is an attempt to put her child into the spotlight as she often demands to be.

I feel that this day is about us and doesn't require a vow to the children!

How should I go about telling her I'm not doing it? So that it doesn't become an issue on our wedding day.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just tell her. Tell her that it seems creepy to you as though you are marrying her daughter. Her daughter has a father. You are not replacing her father. You think it will confuse her daughter.

Tell her that you do not want your children to be involved in the ceremony. 

Make a big deal to her that this day is about the two of you. It's not about the children. While they will be there and some family thing can be done after the actual marriage, that you will not do this.

If you cannot tell her your feelings and stand up for them to her, you have no business marrying her.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I would deal with this asap, do not give her any impression that you will be doing it. TBH it seems so OTT and unnecessary, as Ele said the girl already has a dad, you are not replacing him, you are marrying her mum.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Tell her exactly as you told us! And tell her now! If she likes, you can both have a family lunch/dinner at which you can reassure them if it helps. 

You are right - the wedding day is about the two of you and you should not detract from that (as well as possibly freak the congregation out).


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## jduggan (Mar 3, 2015)

Thank you for your input everybody I'm going to talk with her tonight after I get home from work.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you already have a problem with her daughter, or the relationship between mom and daughter, you should not be marrying her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hicks said:


> If you already have a problem with her daughter, or the relationship between mom and daughter, you should not be marrying her.


I agree with this. 

Divorce rate for second (or subsequent) marriages is at least 70%. The major reason are the children brought into the marriage. It's very hard to make a marriage work with step children. 

And it seems you are starting with a bad situation.

One reason for not doing vows to the children is that you cannot promise step children that you will always be there. Their parents can yank them out of your life in a heart beat. So don't even promise kids something that you have no control over.

Before you marry, you and your fiancé need to go to get some books on step parenting and perhaps to go family counseling to learn how to blend a family. I can tell from her request that she has no clue. You probably don't either. Most people don't.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Holland said:


> I would deal with this asap, do not give her any impression that you will be doing it. TBH it seems so OTT and unnecessary, as Ele said the girl already has a dad, you are not replacing him, you are marrying her mum.


Agreed. I can't find a link at the moment, but some jackass did this recently, recorded it, and it was all over the Internet for a while.

Sorry, but it's just stupid.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I wrote my stepdaughter into my vows. I said "I will love "X" as my own daughter, and be her ally and confidant". That was all.

She was also written into the ceremony, the celebrant said that our wedding created not only a marriage but a family...etc. She also cut the cake with us, lol 

Different strokes for different folks.

I will add that it was me who wrote her in, it was completely my idea and not at the request of my husband.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

frusdil said:


> I wrote my stepdaughter into my vows. I said "I will love "X" as my own daughter, and be her ally and confidant". That was all.
> 
> She was also written into the ceremony, the celebrant said that our wedding created not only a marriage but a family...etc. She also cut the cake with us, lol
> 
> ...


This just chokes me up, frusdil. So beautiful.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

jld said:


> This just chokes me up, frusdil. So beautiful.


Aw 

I miss her so much today...we're trying out a new system for visitation...instead of a midweek switchover, she wants to try one week at mum's and one week here at our place. 

The question isn't will she cope, it's will I cope...I miss her already and we only dropped her off last night...I don't get to see her for another week, lol


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

frusdil said:


> Aw
> 
> I miss her so much today...we're trying out a new system for visitation...instead of a midweek switchover, she wants to try one week at mum's and one week here at our place.
> 
> The question isn't will she cope, it's will I cope...I miss her already and we only dropped her off last night...I don't get to see her for another week, lol


((frusdil))


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Her child should and will come first so get used to it. Husbands come and go but this will always be her child. Conflicts with children are the #1 reason second marriages fail.


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