# Wife's sense of entitlement



## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

Why is that my wife feels she's entitled even when she's not meeting my needs? I love helping her out when things are great, but when she completely ignores what it is I want from our marriage (intimacy) I despise doing the things I do for her, like cooking, helping her get a job, and fixing her car so she can get to work.

Yet, she still expects me to do these things with a smile on my face even though she knows darn well I'm not happy, and why I'm not.

For the record, I am not a push-over by any means!


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

An unfortunate thing about the message board is that people will nto initially post when feeling calm and content, only when annoyed and with a need to vent. 

Everyone feels entitled to a certain extent. A landlord feels entitled to a decent living from owning a house, a tenent feels entitled to a decent place to live for paying rent. Often both see the sense of entitlement as a flaw with the other.

She probably feels entitled to you supporting her, as you are her husband and her troubles are bigger than yours. 

What do you feel you are entitled to from her?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Chumpless said:


> Why is that my wife feels she's entitled even when she's not meeting my needs? I love helping her out when things are great, but when she completely ignores what it is I want from our marriage (intimacy) I despise doing the things I do for her, like cooking, helping her get a job, and fixing her car so she can get to work.
> 
> Yet, she still expects me to do these things with a smile on my face even though she knows darn well I'm not happy, and why I'm not.
> 
> *For the record, I am not a push-over by any means!*


Really? So I guess you have discussed this and let her know that this is no longer an acceptable arrangement?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Mr The Other said:


> An unfortunate thing about the message board is that people will nto initially post when feeling calm and content, only when annoyed and with a need to vent.
> 
> Everyone feels entitled to a certain extent. A landlord feels entitled to a decent living from owning a house, a tenent feels entitled to a decent place to live for paying rent. Often both see the sense of entitlement as a flaw with the other.
> 
> ...


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

And does she know what "intimacy" means to you?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Chumpless said:


> Why is that my wife feels she's entitled even when she's not meeting my needs? I love helping her out when things are great, but when she completely ignores what it is I want from our marriage (intimacy) I despise doing the things I do for her, like cooking, helping her get a job, and fixing her car so she can get to work.
> 
> Yet, she still expects me to do these things with a smile on my face even though she knows darn well I'm not happy, and why I'm not.
> 
> For the record, I am not a push-over by any means!


I can say that I know where you are coming from. I felt this described the relationship I had with my x wife. She knew i wasn't happy she rarely wanted to have sex, yet she expected me to go on with helping out with all the other things a smile; you described it exactly as I felt it.

I voiced my feelings. She played it as though I was just a pig for wanting sex and that sex wasn't an important thing in marriage; she felt her needs were more normal. 

I don't have any answers for you, other than the fact that it probably can't go on forever; I am divorced, so I wasn't able to work things out, but I certainly know where you are coming from.

For me, it wasn't so much the normal stuff that people would be doing whether married or not, like washing dishes; I suppose we all need clean dishes to eat from. I feel, however, that she thought I should go the extra mile to make her happy, even though I wasn't thrilled, like going where she wanted on vacation and doing the activities that made her happy. I never understood that.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I think it might be a good idea to go down the check list and eliminate the easy to fix causes.
1 does she know what you expect?
2 do you know what she expects?
3 have you two taken the emotional needs questionnaire? 
4 have you two taken the love Buster questionnaire?
5 are you giving each other honest real time feedback in a nonconfrontational way? 

Once you go through the check list, it's time to move onto more nefarious motivations. Manipulative, mentally ill, abusive....


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

RClawson said:


> Really? So I guess you have discussed this and let her know that this is no longer an acceptable arrangement?


Correct


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

RClawson said:


> And does she know what "intimacy" means to you?


Yes she does. But she holds back.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Chumpless said:


> Yes she does. But she holds back.


Why would you say she "holds" back? Is it because she knows she can do it, but really doesn't have to and really doesn't want to? Because it will be the same outcome anyway?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I think it might be a good idea to go down the check list and eliminate the easy to fix causes.
> 1 does she know what you expect?
> 2 do you know what she expects?
> 3 have you two taken the emotional needs questionnaire?
> ...


I agree. However OP I think you should pull back on at least some of your supportive activities immediately. Maybe tell her "you don't feel like"doing X or Y today.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> I agree. However OP I think you should pull back on at least some of your supportive activities immediately. Maybe tell her "you don't feel like"doing X or Y today.


Thanks. I do that and it helps. But it's to the point when she feels "bumps on the road" before she becomes even the slightest bit welcoming.

I don't even know why I posted this thread. Venting is right.

Thanks all for the feedback.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Why would you say she "holds" back? Is it because she knows she can do it, but really doesn't have to and really doesn't want to? Because it will be the same outcome anyway?


Probably. After 10 years of marriage, it'd be nice for her to just be drawn to me instead of thinking she's just having to fulfill her wifey duties. About a year ago was my first post on TAM where I was venting like most of the husbands on this site. MMSL helped but now I'm constantly reminding myself that somewhat of a sex life in marriage can still be pretty crap if the desire to please is only one-sided.

Again, I don't know why I even posted the original topic. I know where I'm at. Just thinking aloud I guess.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Chumpless said:


> Probably. After 10 years of marriage, it'd be nice for her to just be drawn to me instead of thinking she's just having to fulfill her wifey duties. About a year ago was my first post on TAM where I was venting like most of the husbands on this site. MMSL helped but now I'm constantly reminding myself that somewhat of a sex life in marriage can still be pretty crap if the desire to please is only one-sided.
> 
> Again, I don't know why I even posted the original topic. I know where I'm at. Just thinking aloud I guess.


What I got out of it, is you can boil it all down to the "single" game in the end. Desire, lust, attraction all stuff people take for granted in a marriage, can matter very much. There's alot we can do to hedge things in our favour, and we should.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Chumpless said:


> Correct


Then how come you are still allowing her to do the same.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Sounds like you really know the answer. It sounds as if it is ultimatum time.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

RClawson said:


> Then how come you are still allowing her to do the same.


I don't "allow" her. But there's a wide line between what you can control, and what you wish you could, I guess.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

RClawson said:


> Sounds like you really know the answer. It sounds as if it is ultimatum time.


Yep. The hive needs a good shaking...again...lol


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## DoktorFun (Feb 25, 2014)

Chumpless said:


> I don't "allow" her. But there's a wide line between what you can control, and what you wish you could, I guess.


So... You will be live like this, I guess.



RClawson said:


> *Sounds like you really know the answer. It sounds as if it is ultimatum time.*


*This*^
OP, stay calm and strong.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Chumpless said:


> Probably. After 10 years of marriage, it'd be nice for her to just be drawn to me instead of thinking she's just having to fulfill her wifey duties. About a year ago was my first post on TAM where I was venting like most of the husbands on this site. MMSL helped but now I'm constantly reminding myself that somewhat of a sex life in marriage can still be pretty crap if the desire to please is only one-sided.
> 
> Again, I don't know why I even posted the original topic. I know where I'm at. Just thinking aloud I guess.


Your sex life and pleasing your wife by helping with the housework are two different things. You should help her and she should help you around the house when you need it. You two have to work that out.

Sex is another issue. Sex in marriage isn't important unless you aren't getting any (or darned little). Then it becomes a deal breaker. In my humble opinion, no sex is a deal breaker. Possibly you should be thinking divorce -- because I doubt the sex will get better.

But don't jump too quickly. Sex drive is quirky. Has you wife always been low desire? Or is this something new? When did it start? What, if anything happened around that time? Do you have children?

The two of you have to try to work this out as well, but perhaps talking to an appropriate doctor and having an examination is a place to start. If you really love your wife and if she really loves you, perhaps if nothing else works you can work out some sort of non-standard arrangement.
And if that's not possible, think about divorce.


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