# Don't know what to do



## Fitchie (Dec 7, 2012)

I have been married for 7 years. Wen we got married, I brought a daughter and he had 2 children from his previous marriage. At 3 my daugher asked my husband to be her dadd (we weren't married yet). Fast forward 7 years. I have been struggling with a very hurt and bitter ex wife, who is actively alienating her children from her dad. She also has decided that my daughter will be the weapon that she aims at me. Her children, have bullied, excluded and overall just been horrible to my daughter for 7 years. My daughter has defensively developed some intense manipulation skills and honestly, these days she is very hard to be around. In the mean time, my husband hasn't held his end of the bargain up. He does NOT treat her as his own. He loves her, I do beleive that, but he is very critical of her. He is always looking around before he gets after her. If he thinks I cannot hear him, he is NASTY and harsh. No love in his voice. If I am around he adjusts to loving and caring but firm.

At the same time, the ex is alienating and my husband is not standing up for his rights. He also never defends my daughter or protects her from his children. She most definitely feels like an outsider in her own home. 

My sweet daughter was so happy and well adjusted when she was little. Admittedly, I thought she was so well adjusted, that I may have added to this problem. I was more focused on the two steps feeling loved and accepted, that I missed how badly my baby was being treated. 

So what now? I believe in marriage. I don't want to be a quitter. I want to make this work. I need to make this work. At the same time, I need my child to know how wanted, beautiful, amazing and special she is. I need for her to feel and know that she is a vital part of this family. 

I am so tired of the them and us going on in this "family". Something has to give.


----------



## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Hi Fitchie.

I really need to understand - your child was being bullied, and you let that happen for seven years? Is this something you just discovered, or did you know all along?

I would be out in minutes if it were my kid. I may put up with an unhappy marriage, but certainly not one where the wellbeing of my child was in question.


----------



## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

First, create a picture in your mind of how you want things to be. Then, confront your husband, explain what you are not happy with and say that you will not settle for anything less than working together to sort it out.
Take a loving but firm approach with your husband and try to uncover what his true feelings are towards your daughter. Don't be judgemental or critical of his feelings. Then help him to work through the negativity.
Handle everything in a loving and confident way - confident that things will get sorted. However you also need to explain to your husband that the solution is non-negotiable and that if he is not willing to work with you to address the issues then you will not stand by and accept the current situation. You're not threatening to leave in as many words, but you are standing up for yourself (and the happiness of everyone).


----------



## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

LiamN said:


> First, create a picture in your mind of how you want things to be. Then, confront your husband, explain what you are not happy with and say that you will not settle for anything less than working together to sort it out.
> Take a loving but firm approach with your husband and try to uncover what his true feelings are towards your daughter. Don't be judgemental or critical of his feelings. Then help him to work through the negativity.
> Handle everything in a loving and confident way - confident that things will get sorted. However you also need to explain to your husband that the solution is non-negotiable and that if he is not willing to work with you to address the issues then you will not stand by and accept the current situation. You're not threatening to leave in as many words, but you are standing up for yourself (and the happiness of everyone).


Probably a better idea..


----------

