# Wife is filing, what to do?



## greenmachine (Dec 23, 2012)

This is my first post. My wife and I have been together for 13yrs, married 7. I had always thought I had the ideal woman/marriage, as did everybody else. 
We rarely argued, maybe 5 times ever. I now realize we both did alot of rugsweeping. She was a poor housekeeper, both of our parents had a real problem with it, I always stuck up for her and said she was just really busy. I also should have helped more. In my defense though, if I took the trash out, she would take offense to it because she felt like I was pointing out that she wasn't doing her job. If I tried to cook, she took over right away.
A few late nights, stories that didn't add up. One night she didn't come home, wouldn't answer her phone. She came home at 7am, with a bs story about boating with her sister, getting drunk and losing her phone. I called her sister, she was 150 miles away that night. I responded with alot of anger, probably wasn't the right thing to do. A few more instances like this happened, then I got the "I don't know if I love you anymore speech". She broke my heart. I did an instant 180, and began changing all the things she mentioned that night. This was the first time in 7yrs of marriage I got a complaint from her.
I found out she was having an affair in september. I was devistated, told her to move out. She stayed with her parents for a month. I called the om's wife and told her. They were 11 months into their marriage at the time. The lies just kept coming, she would get so wrapped up in hiding the truth, she would loose her place. She had told me she ended it 4 times, found she now had an affair phone. 
She willingly went to counsling, but said she didn't want to fix it and her heart wasn't in it. The counselor told her to stop the affair, and move back home. I didn't pressure her, just told her the door was open. I then found out she rented a house with an option to buy for $700 a month in a neighboring town.
We went to our pastor to counsel, first thing she said was her and the om are soulmates, and god put them together for a reason. Things have gotten so much worse, all we do is fight now, I feel my love for her slipping away. There is so much more to our story, sorry for the length. 
We have 3 great kids, it pains me so much for what they are going thru. She says the kids will be happier now because she is happier.
She had always said that someday she was going to get her breasts enhanced, about 1.5 yrs ago she made an appointment and did it. She never discussed it with me, I knew about it 3 days before. She did say they were for me. An implant shifted, she had it redone, I came to pick her up and she was in a wheelchair. She had lipo done too, never said a word. She got her teeth fixed, something we looked into 10yrs ago but couldn't afford. She had purchased exercise equipment several years ago, I never once saw her touch it. She looks amazing now. I married a tomboy, never got really fixed up, never wore makeup. Now she is fixed up all the time.
I had noticed a big change in her after our sons birth 2yrs ago. It was a traumatic birth, emergency c-section, almost lost both of them. Our son has permanent hearing damage as a result.
About a year ago she just seemed to be doing the bare minimum everyday. I was getting frustrated with her, but never voiced it. She is so stubborn, anytime I ever asked what was wrong in the last 13yrs, I always got the standard 'nothing'. I guess I quit trying. I have since discussed possible depression, she says nothings wrong with her.
We started our own business together in 06. We worked together everyday, she was my secretary, accountant. She went to college for accounting. I have recently found out about what has been taking place in the business. High medical bills 2yrs ago got her behind on finances, she never once discussed it with me, everything was always fine she said. I trusted her too far. I have now been faced with 40k in bills I was unaware of. She had the business phone ring to her cell, intercepting creditors, etc. 11k on a credit card, signed for certified letters, threw them away. I was served wage garnishment papers the other day. When confronted, she said she didn't know about any of it. I took her name off the accounts, began repaying, fixing all the damage. She is now working 3 part time jobs and is still broke, had to sell her pickup to get by. Now I get collection calls all day for her. She furnished the whole house from rent-a-center, and bought 3k in furniture, has school loan payments, all with no money. I buy food and clothes for the kids. I have them about 1/2 the time.
I am a much better person now, I have identified my role in the marriage. I was angry/negative alot, (never towards her), worked way too much, was neglectful to her. Our intamacy was always great. I would have done anything she wanted to be better if she would have just told me. She said I just should of known. Nobody knew, she confides in her sister and she had no idea anything was wrong. She was usually a negative person as well, always said she hates girls, has no friends, or hobbies. She got the life she wanted, house, kids, new pickup, now wants nothing to do with it. I just want a whole family again, I realize it will never be the same. 
I feel I lost a battle I never got to fight for. She says she is planning a new life with him, he is counseling with his wife and not divorcing yet. My 4yr old told me he came over and she made him my favorite meal then they kissed, I lost it. I finally told her how I feel about things, and that I was going to get a legal seperation, I was angry. She says she filed already. I haven't seen any papers yet. If she could just show any remorse, or make any attempt to work on it, I would hang in there, but its slipping away.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

I'd like to respond, but without any spaces in the middle its a big wall of text that's too hard to read.

I will just answer the question in the title -- my wife filed too. If you can afford it you are best off talking to a lawyer -- many will at least do free initial consultations. If you can't afford it, Google your state's laws about contest vs no contest divorces. 

Good luck and I'll take another read if you go back and add some spaces to your story.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

It's easier to read if you use paragraphs.


The new boobs were never for you, they were for some other guy who was either a real guy she was in contact with or for the new guy she was imagining in her future, whomever he might be.

She's been fvcking other guy(s) since before you go the ILYBINILWY.

She has had no respect for you for a very long time, since before the boobs. It went down even lower when you didn't catch her and kick her back into line.

I take it you want to get back with her, right?

Cut off her money supply. 

Out her to her family as an adulteress. Shine a big light on her sexual misbehavior.

Get rid of your gut. You want a 32 waist. 

File for divorce immediately. You can always stop it if she wises up, which is unlikely, due to the brain sex chemistry high she gets from banging other guys. She's addicted.

Answer these questions:

Do women hit on you? 

How do you usually dress? Suit? Shorts and t shirts?

What's your workout program?

Does she work?

Advice depends on the answers. It's a long shot getting her back; biological forces and sub-rational mental processes are at play with her. The stuff I'm going to advise is counterintuitive, but sometimes it works. Rarely, even. Nevertheless, you can't love her out of an affair. You have to be willing to walk away to bring her back.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Machiavelli may be right that with a lot of work and a little luck, you could win her back. My question to you is WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO?

The time/money/effort/emotion you spend on winning back your cheating, tramping, conniving, lying, money-stealing wife COULD BE USED to make YOU a better man, a better father, a better human. Wouldn't THIS be a better use of your resources?

And, btw, have you had yourself checked for STDs? because your kids need you healthy to take care of them.

Good luck, and let this woman GO!


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## greenmachine (Dec 23, 2012)

Thanks for the replys. Sorry about the lack of paragraphs.

To answer Machiavelli, I have a 30 inch waist, it was 29 in high school.
Yes, women have always hit on me, she has been so jealous for so long. A smile from a waitress would set her off.

I have never worked out, just active everyday.
I am not a snappy dresser, usually in my work clothes.

Once I booted her from the business, she now has 3 part time jobs, maybe pulling in 1k a month. I pay for all the insurance, childcare.

I have told her whole family about the affair, they have been fed so much bs from her I think they are somewhat ok with it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Beat her to the punch and file first~ and ask for temporary custody of your kids!

Your golddigging wife has no love for you in her heart (greatly provided there is one) and likely never has in the past!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

greenmachine said:


> Thanks for the replys. Sorry about the lack of paragraphs.
> 
> To answer Machiavelli, I have a 30 inch waist, it was 29 in high school.
> Yes, women have always hit on me, she has been so jealous for so long. A smile from a waitress would set her off.
> ...




Is she in her rent house, yet, or still at home with you?

Is she still banging OM(s)?

What are you doing to monitor her behavior? 

Are the kids still at home with you? How many?

How old is your wife? I'm guessing around 28-34 range.

What does your attorney say about how things will fall out in the event of a divorce. I repeat, file ASAP.

Good job on the 30" waist. Start being a snappy dresser anytime you go out after the workday. Also start a weight training program. It's extremely healthy and it will keep you looking and feeling great all the way through old age if you keep with it.


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

The best thing you can do if you want her back is to get on with your own life. You will never be more attractive than when you are setting your own goals and going after what you want. This also means letting her know that you are willing to lose her but that it is her own loss.
At the end of the day there may be factors beyond your control which mean she will leave you anyway. But by following this approach you not only have the best chance of keeping her, but you become a better and happier person yourself.


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## greenmachine (Dec 23, 2012)

She is still in her rent house for now, no money for next months rent though.

I think she is still banging at least 2 om.

I'm not sure what to do to monitor her behavior. I had her give me access to cell phone records, then my 6yr old said she got a "fake" phone. My kids are smart and monitor her closely.

Of course all passwords are changed.

I have the kids about 1/2 the time. 3 kids, 2,4,6 yrs old.

She is 31. 

Attorney said that with our debt load she would be wise to just walkaway. Looking at 50/50 custody. I'm in a no fault divorce state with a sob for a county judge. She says she doesn't want anything, for now.

I had threatened divorce 2 months ago, she begged me not to. Looking back, I should have filed. I guess I wanted the satisfaction of doing all I could to save it. 

You guys have put this into perspective for me, thanks.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

She seems to be a lost cause. Taking her back will only hurt you and the kids on the long run. Get tested for STD's incase you caught something from her.

Just make sure you have the best lawyer in town and get the best custody possible. $$ is nothing compared to time spent with your kids, so try bribing her to give up more child custody.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear your story. The painful truth is that once they cheat it's easier to do it again. She sounds like my stbxw. They live for the moment.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Ostera said:


> *The painful truth is that once they cheat it's easier to do it again.* She sounds like my stbxw. They live for the moment.


I will wholeheartedly second that observation! My STBXW is absolutely proof-positive!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

greenmachine said:


> She is still in her rent house for now, no money for next months rent though.
> 
> I think she is still banging at least 2 om.
> 
> ...


Again, file right away. This will increase her attraction to you. Women think their adulterous behavior should be obvious to their husbands, even when it is completely concealed from the H. They first lose respect for the BH for not figuring out by magic without any clue, then they develop total contempt for the BH when it actually becomes blatant in your face adultery, like a wife coming in at 3am, half drunk, no underwear, crusty stuff on makeup, etc. 

The other SOP steps for increasing attraction are as I've alluded to above: Chest 1.5 X waist, sharply dressed when not working or exercising, change hairstyle to anything, bad boy ride like a sports car, hot rod, or chopper. This will all cause single women to take note of you. This obviously pays off whether your divorce (the best route) or take her back (maybe best for kids). If you reconcile, she needs to understand that you can replace her in about 5 minutes with either a younger, hotter new wife or, alternatively, an informal harem of 3 or 4 young divorced women. She may never figure this out, but if she does, this will also increase her attraction to you.

Cut off any funds to her from you. If you need to close out a joint account, do so.

All of this may produce a small chance she'll come crawling back and then you'll have a decision to make. Usually, by the time reality sets in and the WW wants to come back into the marriage, most men already have a few lady friends lined up who all are superior to the WW. The other thing is that it's very common for WW's to go sexually kink apesh1t during the time outside the marriage. That's obviously happened in this case. How do you feel about that?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I am sorry for your pain. The lack of respect that she has for your marriage is incredible. ....... Not only the affair but the financial and business ethics!

The problem is no marriage is salvagable without both wanting it. She doesn't want it and doesn't care.

Make sure that your kids aren't used as a pawn in the divorce. 

Exit as honorably as you can even though she hasn't. You won't regret it that way and your kids will see it.

Get a lawyer.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

Thanks for going back and putting some spaces into your original post. 

Your story is a tough one, you admit you both made some mistakes but that doesn't excuse her behavior, and as others have posted, once someone cheats its easy to keep rationalizing the cheating (she thinks she's better off, and your relationship isn't worth her time, etc, etc). 

Kids do complicate things but I think you know you have to move on. What I feel like we have in common is that our wandering wife showed no respect to us and to the relationship/life we built. When that respect is gone there's no hope in saving the relationship, nor should you even try. Be a better man as you've already started down the route, but be it for yourself, be it for your kids, be it for another woman (AFTER your relationship is officially over, don't make her mistake!) but move on. Just my $.02


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## greenmachine (Dec 23, 2012)

Well, if you want an update, here goes. New Years eve I asked if she had plans, she said no. I asked if we could spend the evening as a family, she said oh, I do have plans. She was at a couples house in town here I despise. He has cheated on his wife numerous times, and guess what?, he's also best friends with my wifes affair partner. Birds of a feather.

Anyway, as I was leaving town, she called and asked if I could take our youngest, as he wasn't feeling good. She was insistant that she would meet me at my shop to pick him up. I drove over to their house anyway, the OM was there, looked in the living room window, they were playing happy family. I walked in, he wouldn't even look at me, and walked into the other room. Chicken sh1t!

I took my son and went home. I lost it after 5 months of hurt, and set her wedding dress on fire in the front yard. I do regret this now, somewhat. She did say she had everything out of the house she wanted. This really seemed to rattle her cage. Then she got her divorce papers yesterday. She had promised me she filed 3 weeks ago but never did, I think she wants me to be the bad guy. For the last week she has been down, no make-up, looks like hell! Maybe reality has set in. She cried several times in church, then ducked out the side door with the kids when she left. She has been extremely polite, asked if I wanted to have supper with her and the kids tonight, of course I paid.

My dilema is that I do still love her, but so much damage has been done. I just want my kids to get the childhood they deserve. The shuffling is taking it's toll on the kids. I feel that she would have to pull one heck of a miracle/turn around for me to reconsider. As of now, I'm still pushing the divorce.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Your wife has a lot balls just going to church.

Move forward!

You truly have no other choice.

The OM is a piece of crap.

And he knows it.

Take care of yourself.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Happy is right! Until such time that your WW exhibits some element of heartfelt contrition for her sordid actions, no matter how much the memory of her hurts, you've just got to move forward!

And I'm glad to hear that you, in fact, filed first because there are a few inherent legal advantages in filing as the "petitioner" as opposed to filing as the "respondent!"


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## lonewolf8545 (Jan 12, 2013)

If she is banging 2 other guys than she's not coming back and you shouldn't want her back. She used you for her self improved image and other guys are getting the good stuff while you have to clean up the mess. 

Move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea.


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