# how do I end this



## iamdone (Feb 13, 2014)

I am now 100% sure that I don't want to stay married to this person. I have been with her (my wife) for 15. I have tried to be a good father and husband. I changed myself for her, but I am still getting blamed for everything that happens in her life. I am now fed up.
She has so much anger inside her and against men in general that I can't even have a single conversation with her without ending up in an argument. You might think I am exaggerating. I will give you few examples
1. I am the main bread winner in the house; I work 40 hours, plus another 10 plus hours here and there to provide good life style for my family. She is a hairdresser, and works from home and outside only on call basis. Her average working hours is 2hr/day that includes the setup time for her client. Yet she still want me do most of the house chores like cleaning/vacuuming the house when her clients come to her home office. I do that most of the time, but still get yelled for the days and time when don’t. I told her that I do many other things too in house which you don’t realize for example getting our child ready for school, making her breakfast, and lunch ready. I do all this because my wife doesn’t like to wake up early, so I pitch in. I also pick up and drop our child off to school. I am not being sexist or anything if she expect me to go and earn money for all of us then I think it is ok for me to expect the same from her that she will take care of the house. As mentioned that I always take the liberty of cleaning/vacuuming the house if her clients are coming over to make our place look presentable. I think she should take that in consideration it is my way of helping her out but it should not be expected of me to clean the place every time she has company.
2.	She asked me to quit smoking because her father used to smoke and also died because of heart stroke. So I quit smoking just to please her.
3.	She asked me to stop drinking a can of coke daily after dinner, because it is not healthy and I am setting up a bad example in front of my kid. So I even cut down on that too just to please her. In return all I ask her was to control her anger and let go of small things but she doesn’t.
4.	I never cheated on her she is the only person I have ever intimate with. When we were dating I told her that before even meeting her I went to strip clubs few times with my friend God I was only 18 at that time. But till this day I get yelled at and get interrogated like a criminal. 
5.	I am the one who persuaded her to go to school after our marriage. I even paid for her education too but in return I don’t get any appreciation.
6.	I love to go hunting/fishing but she thinks they are a waste of time. So I am not allowed to go hunting, every year I have to beg so she can allow me to go once and when I come home empty handed she tells me I am looser and why I even go when I don't know how to hunt. I ask her to come along with me so she can understand that hunting requires lots devotion and time before actually getting successful. But she doesn't want to understand or come along with me. Instead tells that she is right and have proved her point that hunting is waste of time.
7.	My main issue with her is that she not supportive of anything that I do, or want to do in life. She is very judgmental. I just feel emotionally disconnected with her due that I don’t even feel like having sex with her. I don’t find her attractive at all anymore even though she can still turn heads around when walking in mall.
So my questions is how do I end this, for past 3years I was thinking to stay in marriage for my child, but now I can’t take it anymore. I am not getting any younger. I want to end this marriage and find someone who really cares about me and believe in a give and take relationship instead of just take take. Is it too much of me to ask and hope to find someone who would love/support me back. 

Lately I have been getting desire to cheat on her. So I want to end this marriage before I cheat on her.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sorry I didn't read your whole post because, frankly, it doesn't matter WHY you want to end it, just that you DO. As for how, you hire a lawyer and file for divorce. Once you serve her papers, she hires another lawyer and they duke it out.

Your lawyer can give you advice on how to protect yourself legally and financially before you tell your wife what you're doing, if you think you need protection. Which you probably do by the sounds of it. Especially since you have kids. You will want joint custody so that child support doesn't do you in.


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## iamdone (Feb 13, 2014)

Hope thanks for replying, I know how the lawyer portion works. My question was geared more towards how do I break this news out to my wife and break out with good friendly relations instead of I don't want to ever see you or talk to you in life.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Wow, there's either another side to this story or you're married to a nutjob. Just tell her it's clear she's not happy and neither are you, so you think it's best to split up and be coparents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

iamdone said:


> Hope thanks for replying, I know how the lawyer portion works. My question was geared more towards how do I break this news out to my wife and break out with good friendly relations instead of I don't want to ever see you or talk to you in life.


Good luck with that. If she's really the way you describe, she'll be pissed at losing control of you. However, as long as you maintain a relationship with your kids, it doesn't matter if you have one with her. Be sure to discuss custody and visitation with your lawyer so that's at the top of the priority list.

Hopefully someone else can suggest a more viable strategy, but you have to be assertive in what you want, else she'll talk you out of it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, do you think she's going to be nice about divorce when she hasn't been nice about your marriage? It sounds like you'll have a fight on your hands when it comes to divorce, just like marriage.

You need to talk to a lawyer and have all your ducks in a row before you tell her anything. You need to be polite but firm with your wife because she sounds like the type that if you give her an inch she will take a mile. Have everything that's going to happen spelled out. Be prepared for tears and rage but also to stand firm.

Make absolutely sure that you do NOT ever admit to her anything you didn't do just to appease her.

Make sure your kids are always well taken care of.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Considering you haven't manned up through your marriage, standing up to her isn't going to go well. And there's no magic formula to make that happen. As others have said, get things lined up, then pull the pin when you're ready. But don't expect "nice". 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iamdone (Feb 13, 2014)

thanks for the advice folks, I guess its time for me to start finding my balls


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## iamdone (Feb 13, 2014)

one quick question, the province I live in requires one year separation period before divorce is finalized. Does anyone know what sorts of rights will I have during that period. Also does anyone one know how much of my net income do I have to give her during this process


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

See a lawyer/solicitor for a consultation. That way you won't be going on hearsay. You can get a lot of information from the courts on the web. 

You should read this too... https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## ZaphodBeeblebrox (Mar 31, 2013)

Yup. No More Mr Nice Guy, 5 Love Languages, and Married Man Sex Primer. Read them, realize what you must change, what you want from a relationship, and how you need to act. Then re-read them. Or else your next relationship will likely not be much different.

Yes, you need to talk to a lawyer now. Get all of your ducks in a row. Figure out who is moving out/who will be living where, figure out how you want to split up the assets (and tell the lawyer). Then, pick a day to do this, and tell her. I might suggest, if you're going to be leaving the house, that you have your bags packed. Also, it may be a good idea to have this conversation somewhere in public. She will not react well and she can always call the police and claim you beat her, etc. If you do this publicly, and are ready to go, you will not have to worry about something like that happening.

While my situation is not 100% to yours - I made the call to end the relationship, move out, and file for divorce. And I can tell you, there is life after your relationship ends. I had barely moved out and had 3 different women chasing this fat, balding geek. One of whom I am now in the early stages of a relationship with. And it's awesome.

You will have bad days and dark thoughts, but keep your chin up and work on yourself and one day, hopefully not too long down the road, you will find happiness, too.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

iamdone said:


> one quick question, the province I live in requires one year separation period before divorce is finalized. Does anyone know what sorts of rights will I have during that period. Also does anyone one know how much of my net income do I have to give her during this process


I'm in Alberta and we have the one year thing. When the courts finally got around to awarding me child support, it was retroactive. But I had sole custody. Get the advice of a lawyer and ask whether it would be to your advantage to pay child support even if/when there's no court order in place. Just do not EVER give it to her in cash - keep a paper trail for every penny you ever give her. And like I said, go for joint/50/50 custody and hopefully that will lessen or eliminate child support.

As far as alimony - no experience there. All I can say is DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT. And I heartily agree to try to never confront her in private. Do as much of your communication by email as possible and record phone calls (again, after consultation with your lawyer)


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

iamdone said:


> one quick question, the province I live in requires one year separation period before divorce is finalized. Does anyone know what sorts of rights will I have during that period. Also does anyone one know how much of my net income do I have to give her during this process


Have you considered finding your balls and trying to fix things before ending it? Just asking. 

Check out "Ottawa Divorce Forum" for good Canadian specific advice. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

I really don't like that term "finding your balls" but as someone who is female and much to my chagrin have learned that I'm in a co-dependent relationship like you where I try to please and have lost myself in the process. I am learning that a healthy relationship means standing your ground… being your own person. I thought I was, but I guess that was only professionally, not in my relationship. 

It would be good for you to find a really good therapist who can help you "find your balls" is that's what you like to call it. Or just to be yourself and not be ashamed of who you are.


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## iamdone (Feb 13, 2014)

once again thank you for your advise. I will seek lawyers help. And to answer question "fixing things before ending". About few years ago I suggested to her that we should go see a couples counselor. And then she suggested instead of seeing the counselor together we should meet the same counselor separately. I told her that's not going to resolve anything but she insisted and I did that too. After two session she decided not to go because not going anywhere. However she told I should continue as I have problem, with listing. I told her I agree that I have listing problem, I told her actually I have problem with your nagging. 

I told her we men put stuff in priority order, and as a man my priority is to make more money by putting some extra time at work. So doing house chores is my least priority, and however what I can is hire a you maid but she didn't like that idea. I explained to her hiring a maid will cost us little extra money but we can utilize that time on ourselves as a couple and go out do something together but she refused.

So now I don't even try or suggest going out.


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## Intheknow (Feb 15, 2014)

PBear said:


> Have you considered finding your balls and trying to fix things before ending it? Just asking.
> 
> Check out "Ottawa Divorce Forum" for good Canadian specific advice.
> 
> ...


Have you thought of MC? Does she know how you really feel?


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