# Is counseling working?



## stalemate

I suppose the answer to that question depends on how you define working. It isn't what I expected. I have been in therapy for various reasons with numerous counselors over the years and the one thing I know for sure is that all counselors are not created equal. So I approached marriage counseling with a little apprehension and a little curiosity. 

After 5 sessions I have some new insights into myself and this relationship. I have blamed all of our problems on myself because that is my nature and because I take responsibility for having my share of personal issues. It has been a huge surprise to me that he is equally responsible for our lack of communication and intimacy. An even bigger surprise has been the insight of this therapist who has looked beyond the obvious and trite answers to help us find the deeper roots of our situation.

My definition of "working" is broader than keeping the marriage intact. My goal in all of this is to make an informed and rational decision about whether our future lies together or apart. I don't think we have enough information yet to decide whether to separate but we are definitely gaining insights that will help us grow individually and possibly together.


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## HappyHer

Great job! 

And, you are absolutely right, it takes a specific counselor. Sometimes couples will go through three of four, even five, before they find the best fit. I suggest asking potential therapists if they'll do a mini session for the first session to sort of feel out if they will fit at all.


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## tucdoc

I'm just curious stalemate. You said you blamed yourself for all of your marriage problems. I find myself in a "similar" situation, except it's my wife who is doing the blaming. My wife has still not agreed to go to counseling, while I'm seeing a therapist on my own. Any advice on how to get your partner to acknowledge their responsibility regarding martial problems?


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## stalemate

tucdoc said:


> I'm just curious stalemate. You said you blamed yourself for all of your marriage problems. I find myself in a "similar" situation, except it's my wife who is doing the blaming. My wife has still not agreed to go to counseling, while I'm seeing a therapist on my own. Any advice on how to get your partner to acknowledge their responsibility regarding martial problems?


I don't know how you go about convincing someone who isn't interested in seeing a counselor. I have been told that you can change a lot about a relationship by changing yourself. It alters the dynamic between the two of you and she will then react differently to you. I don't know how well it actually works since my husband is doing this voluntarily.

My own personal experiences with individual therapy tell me that until she gives up playing the victim and blaming you for all her problems she won't have any reason to make significant changes in her life.

Good luck!


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## Shelly29

I just went to my first marriage counseling with my husband who wants to leave. He said he would go but nt with the intention that we will solve all our problem and be 100% better, but that he was going for me to get the answers I needed.

I didnt know if he was half ass-ing this but I told him he owes me that little...I think it is helping him much more to gain real insite as to why he is feeling the way he is and have some real concrete reasons rather than blaming it on me. It hurts to hear what he is going through and it has only been 1 session but I truley hope going every week will allow him to let this negative " i have decided this is how it will go" attitude down and allow me to understand him.

Do people get breakthroughs within a couple sessions? does it take longer? can someone change their perspective and attitude on why they are going to go, or do you think if they go with that negative attitude, then there is really no reason to go?


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## Chris H.

Shelly29 said:


> Do people get breakthroughs within a couple sessions? does it take longer?


"Sometimes" is probably the best answer for both questions. I think it depends on the situation and people involved (including the therapist).



Shelly29 said:


> can someone change their perspective and attitude on why they are going to go, or do you think if they go with that negative attitude, then there is really no reason to go?


I think it probably makes it a lot more difficult for people to get help in counseling if they have a negative attitude about it going into it, but I do think the act of going indicates *some* willingness and therefore the possibility that benefit could be gained. Being open with the therapist about you and your husbands attitudes towards therapy should help.


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