# Brand new here. Does your SO ever find you here?



## Average Joe (Sep 2, 2015)

Just curious if you ever find your significant other here, posting their side of the story ... ? I just signed up, and am about to post something that I'm sure she will recognize if she sees it.

After a couple (not very successful) years in couples therapy, we are trying other ways to figure things out, and internet forums seem to be a viable option. 

Thanks!


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

After 30 posts you can post in the Private Members Section, so if you're concerned about her seeing what you want to share, get your post count up first and post there.


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## Average Joe (Sep 2, 2015)

Oh, excellent to know. Thank you very much! (there's one :smile2


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I wish my SO would check here once in a while. But even with prompting she refused. On the other hand I've seen some spouses bump in to argue, and I've seen a lot of times when getting both sides would save a lot of time.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Sometimes we need to vent or have a safe place, but ideally, to me, there should be no fear in a spouse finding you posting here, unless you plan to cruelly slag him/her off. Everything written should at some point be shared knowledge between you.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Satya said:


> Sometimes we need to vent or have a safe place, but ideally, to me, there should be no fear in a spouse finding you posting here, unless you plan to cruelly slag him/her off. Everything written should at some point be shared knowledge between you.


I agree with Satya. We have had SO's find out the other was posting here.


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

It is a real pity they dont post. There ought to be a section where both can post. Perhaps I should mention that in the new ideas. One can give a much better answer when one hears both sides. It would also save a lot of money from paying counselors.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> I agree with Satya. We have had SO's find out the other was posting here.


MY SO found my postings about our relationship on here, and she was not too happy. I tried to represent both sides fairly, but it seems she could only see that parts that criticized her or made her look bad and was blind to everything else.

I wish she would post her side of the story.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

This is my SO's forum, she's a regular here, I normally hang out in manly forums like my wood stove or tractor forum. I never knew this forum existed until I started dating her. Then she would share stories with me during drives and ask my opinion. I forget why I started posting. I never worry about her finding my posts. I never worry about her posts, because I know there's nothing I would ever encounter here that she wouldn't say directly to my face first, as she's the most direct women I've ever known. Quite refreshing, actually, never have to worry about playing hint-eeze with her about things.


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## Average Joe (Sep 2, 2015)

Satya said:


> Sometimes we need to vent or have a safe place, but ideally, to me, there should be no fear in a spouse finding you posting here, unless you plan to cruelly slag him/her off. Everything written should at some point be shared knowledge between you.


I totally agree. I'm not interested in vindictiveness or anything cruel. My intention is to (eventually) seek the group's opinion on how to talk about something very sensitive with my wife, something she doesn't know that i know. And the details are unique, but important to include. And she would recognize herself right away.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Average Joe said:


> Oh, excellent to know. Thank you very much! (there's one :smile2


Go to the Social Spot forum. There are time wasting games and such in there . You can up your post count easily.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

When I first came here I would have been horrified if my husband found me. But it might have saved some time in us getting our sh!t together. Like you, I had to process and learn a way to better communicate. Eventually I did invite him here, gave him my screen name and asked him to participate. That started the real improvements in our relationship.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Wellcome, Joe.

For a few bucks, you can become a forum supporter and get immediate access to the private section. 

Best


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## Average Joe (Sep 2, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> When I first came here I would have been horrified if my husband found me. But it might have saved some time in us getting our sh!t together. Like you, I had to process and learn a way to better communicate. Eventually I did invite him here, gave him my screen name and asked him to participate. That started the real improvements in our relationship.


Thank you. I'm really in need of some advice.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

A good place to start is how you communicate with her. Give us an example, what you hoped would happen and what did. For example my first Val day married I arranged to go in late (unknowned to her) went to forist handpicked a dozen rorses with a single white rose centered. Hand written note, and picked up a bottle of very good wine, went home set it all up so she would see it when she walked in the door and went to work. She came home every day for lunch and I expected a big phone call. Nothing ! Called her later in the afternoon and got a thank you it was sweet. Next year I figured it was not worth it so I ordered a dozen roses from the cheapes place I could fine on line. Note said "love you" and sent them to her work. FIREWORKS !! What did I learn ? Your thoughts and am example please. Even if she finds your posts this is a safe topic. Your hit 30 in no time.


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## Average Joe (Sep 2, 2015)

JohnA said:


> A good place to start is how you communicate with her. Give us an example, what you hoped would happen and what did. For example my first Val day married I arranged to go in late (unknowned to her) went to forist handpicked a dozen rorses with a single white rose centered. Hand written note, and picked up a bottle of very good wine, went home set it all up so she would see it when she walked in the door and went to work. She came home every day for lunch and I expected a big phone call. Nothing ! Called her later in the afternoon and got a thank you it was sweet. Next year I figured it was not worth it so I ordered a dozen roses from the cheapes place I could fine on line. Note said "love you" and sent them to her work. FIREWORKS !! What did I learn ? Your thoughts and am example please. Even if she finds your posts this is a safe topic. Your hit 30 in no time.


JohnA: Thank you. it sounds like you learned "it's the thought that counts."
We communicate mainly by text. And the majority is mainly logistical, as we have two small disabled kids. There has never been much time for "us."


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My husband knows I post here, sometimes he looks over my shoulder and reads what I'm typing, but mostly he's not fussed.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid if he read all my posts or logged in to my account, there's nothing here he can't see


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Mine found me here, we convinced her to post her side.

Goodtimes


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> After 30 posts you can post in the Private Members Section, so if you're concerned about her seeing what you want to share, get your post count up first and post there.


Just remember that nothing is truly anonymous on the interwebs.

I assume everything, even 'hidden' forum sections, are google-indexed.

Even if not, all it takes is for some enterprising/bored person to screen shot the section, translate the text and... A$hley [email protected], anyone?

Like it or not, assume in 5/10/xx years everything you do electronically will be open content.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

JohnA said:


> A good place to start is how you communicate with her. Give us an example, what you hoped would happen and what did. For example my first Val day married I arranged to go in late (unknowned to her) went to forist handpicked a dozen rorses with a single white rose centered. Hand written note, and picked up a bottle of very good wine, went home set it all up so she would see it when she walked in the door and went to work. She came home every day for lunch and I expected a big phone call. Nothing ! Called her later in the afternoon and got a thank you it was sweet. Next year I figured it was not worth it so I ordered a dozen roses from the cheapes place I could fine on line. Note said "love you" and sent them to her work. FIREWORKS !! What did I learn ? Your thoughts and am example please. Even if she finds your posts this is a safe topic. Your hit 30 in no time.


So wait, I'm curious. What did you learn? Your Wife likes it short and sweet and cheap?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Think that old FTD ad with a women running around nuts in the office sticking the flowers in the other women's faces. She needed public validation, in short she was a shallow person. As the years went by it became a grind. Like duty sex for woman. While i was shocked and angered at the affair, the D not so much. At that point it became about disrespect. While i am a very mellow guy, no gets a cheap thrill on my dime. Wise man says when you work for your BIL. Do not send emails ripping wife, SiL, and BIL to computer with key logger and snap shots installed. Never know what might come in the mail to SIL. Also sometimes a lump sum settlement which includes child support; not best option. 

So why the SIL? She was the one with enough emotional distance not to blow up but instead go for his balls. So ladies the fog can be a very powerful weapon to use against cheating husband too.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

......wouldn't want my wife here ...ever. It's my "safe place" .....and I couldn't deal with her spouting off with her take on her actions ....or ...conveniently "not remembering the details" that I've tried to coax out of her (beg for ...actually) ....for the past 20 years.


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## depressedandexhausted (Aug 24, 2015)

I dont know, I wouldnt want my soon to be ex wife seeing my posts. I dont want her to know what I have planned. However I change small details and throw in some info that doesnt fit, nothing that would change the situation. Maybe job or something like that. Age. There are so many people in the world, she would have no idea.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Someone once told me that there are 3 sides to every story: His (Party A), hers (Party B) and the Truth.

I think that we as human beings can't help but see things through our own lens.. we are inherently selfish beings after all. Sometimes though, when we get couples posting here, it creates for some of the most interesting reading material (in terms of how each perceives his/her side of things).

It would be great if we could get more couples to post here.

My SO is a poster and he knows that I also read and post. We are pretty open and accepting of each other's viewpoints on common TAM topics, even if they don't mesh perfectly.


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## Average Joe (Sep 2, 2015)

Satya said:


> Someone once told me that there are 3 sides to every story: His (Party A), hers (Party B) and the Truth.
> 
> I think that we as human beings can't help but see things through our own lens.. we are inherently selfish beings after all. Sometimes though, when we get couples posting here, it creates for some of the most interesting reading material (in terms of how each perceives his/her side of things).
> 
> ...


That might be something I'd consider in the future. We have some huge issues that may kill our marriage pretty soon though, before that. Thank you.


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