# Newlywed couple - she's having an emotional affair, or worse.



## goodbyebagel (Jun 28, 2012)

Hello all, this is my first post here, so I hope it's met with kindness and understanding.

Last year, my girlfriend of 8 years and I were married. Almost immediately afterward, we relocated to a different part of the state so that I could attend graduate school. She was resistant at first, but seemed to warm up to the idea over time.

I won't lie. Adapting has been really tough. I've been preoccupied with grad school, but I've taken great pain to include my wife in social events with my new friends from the Ph.D. program I'm in. However, my wife had been feeling a bit empty--sort of a bystander in "my" group--so she branched out and started going to meetups staged by a Facebook group dedicated to a pretty popular website. I had encouraged her to do this, and whatever else made her feel comfortable in her new environment.

Flash forward a month or two, and she has befriended a core group of people. One person whose name kept popping up, I shall refer to as "P". I'd met P at a concert that my wife had platonically invited him to. He seemed a bit standoffish, and his behavior immediately put him on my radar. It turns out that my wife was chatting with P quite a bit on Facebook--far moreso than any of her other friends. My wife, in our 9 year long relationship, has never seen the need to exercise privacy in the form of locking her computer or changing her passwords, and I had never had the interest in snooping. However, something made me implacably curious about her relationship with P.

After checking out the chat logs, I noticed that she was initiating contact with P quite a bit. Always while I'm out at school, too. I confronted her gently about the issue, and she told me that they were just friends; closed the door on the matter, and that was that. That made me even more curious, so I continued to monitor her chats with him, and I noted that P was getting increasingly more suggestive with his statements. I knew he wanted my wife, but apparently she was clueless. At least, that's what she told me after a second confrontation about the matter.

I told my wife that I felt that her contact with P was inappropriate, even if she felt that she'd done nothing wrong. My line in the sand was this: you can remain friends with him online, because I don't want to create an awkward situation, but please do not initiate contact with him. Simple enough, right?

A couple of months go by, while I'm consumed with work. The holidays pass, and I decide it's time to alleviate my fears that P and my wife have been chatting. I find evidence of her initiating contact, and I blew up--we had an explosive argument where I basically told her that their "friendship" was over, for the sake of the marriage. I felt incredible dolor at the thought that I would have to continue spying on my wife to maintain my sanity, so I put it out of my mind for the next 4 months. What made me feel a whole lot better is that P had moved away--far away, to a state completely across the U.S. At least the threat of a physical affair was gone.

In April, I found evidence that my wife and P were chatting on Facebook and Skype, playing online games together, and had joined a google group subtitled "Still awesome, even though we're apart". There was evidence that they had been sending "<3" emoticons to each other, which may seem like a ridiculously silly indicator to pick up on, but it rended me in two.

We had it out.

A huge argument ensued. I laid everything out there--the chat logs, the google group, the hearts. Everything. I was shouting like my father, which makes me want to cry when I think about how it made me feel. We didn't talk for a week, except through text and e-mail. I slept on the futon in the guest bedroom because I didn't have any viable alternative. She changed her passwords to everything and put a lock on her computer, which she took off the next day--presumably so as not to seem suspicious.

I was visibly broken when I went into class after the confrontation. My friends pried, but I refused to disclose the information to them, because they all love my wife. They think she's the greatest. I only told three people, because they would have found out anyway, or because they were responsible for most of the inviting to social gatherings and I didn't want my wife to be invited to places I might be going to. My cousin, who was my best man at the wedding, also knew the whole story from day 1. He offered me advice and support on this matter in an impartial manner, and refused to level judgment at my wife until this most recent incident. My wife and I have since reconciled. She's been going to counseling meetings with me almost weekly, and I've been struggling to regain trust in her. She seemed, and still seems, sincerely sorry for the strain this put on our marriage.

Two months go by, and I become anxious again, because she has been spending an unusual amount of time on her computer. It's her summer break, and she's got nothing to do; I think "Idle hands, right?" so I start snooping again. Almost nothing incriminating shows up in her browser history except for one suspect website: a gmail address with a memorable name that I made a mental note of.

I don't know why, but I had an anxiety attack. I think it was because I was sick of all this mistrust in our relationship, and I didn't know how to fix things. I sat down with my wife and told her that I was feeling strange, and that I really wanted her reassurance that she was no longer speaking to P. This was implicit from our counseling meetings, but I wanted to hear it from the source. She emphatically confirmed that P was no longer in her life. It was not believable in the least.

On goes the keylogger. I spent an afternoon placing the software on her Mac and adjusting configurations while she was out with her sister. I've been monitoring her every keystroke for 2 days now. Based on my observations, she is logging into this undisclosed gmail address to chat with P. I cannot tell whether or not it's him she's talking with, but she is using the same semi-flirtatious approach towards the chats with this person as she did with P. Essentially, the chats are mundane, but there is quite a bit of "oh, come see me when you visit!" or "we should do this sometime" talk. There is one line that said "I will think about that when I am in the sh--" it was cut off, but I'm assuming from context that she was saying "shower". A very recent message ended with "bye <3". She does not send these hearts to any of her other friends, and she does not send them to me either.

Now that I have this information, this is what I plan to do:
- I will continue to monitor her for a couple of days, just to see where these chats go, and determine with decisive proof that she is indeed chatting with P.
- If I find conclusive evidence that there has been an ongoing emotional affair with P, I will purchase my wife a plane ticket back to the city where her sister lives.
- I will pack her bags with enough clothes for a couple of weeks, and greet her with the news that I am aware of her emotional affair.
- I will look into getting a separation, if not a divorce. If I cannot trust her, I cannot stay married to her.

My mind may be clouded with emotion right now, and I'm looking for objective advice. Has my wife truly been having an emotional affair, or am I just Don Quixote the Second? Have I outlined a rational approach to my situation? I'm trying my hardest to be reasonable, but there's just this urge inside me to shout at the top of my lungs.

For disclosure's sake, both I and my wife are 33 years old. She's only been in one other relationship before ours, and is just beginning to discover her libido.

Thanks, guys. I'm going to attempt to sleep next to my wife like nothing's wrong and I haven't a care in the world...


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

This "only friends" stuff is just infuriating...
Best wishes for you goodbyebagel. There are a lot of people with similar experiences here in the forum and i'm sure they'll help you out with all you're going through. Stay strong.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Are you 100% sure P moved far away?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Your wife is in the "fog" of the affair. You cannot trust one word she says. You did all you could. Don't doubt yourself once the separation process starts.

Your wife might use the chance at her sister's place to go meet with the OM.(Or him coming to meet her). Even now, you don't have proof that it did not go physical. people in affairs somehow find a way. Don't shout or get angry this time. Just calmly talk about separation and divorce. Start reading about the 180. Tell friends respectfully why you are separating but tell them the truth so that she cannot make you the abuser. 

Luckily, you don't have kids.


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## goodbyebagel (Jun 28, 2012)

keko said:


> Are you 100% sure P moved far away?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I am. I had access to his social networking info through my wife's computer at around the time he moved away.


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## goodbyebagel (Jun 28, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Your wife is in the "fog" of the affair. You cannot trust one word she says. You did all you could. Don't doubt yourself once the separation process starts.
> 
> Your wife might use the chance at her sister's place to go meet with the OM.(Or him coming to meet her). Even now, you don't have proof that it did not go physical. people in affairs somehow find a way. Don't shout or get angry this time. Just calmly talk about separation and divorce. Start reading about the 180. Tell friends respectfully why you are separating but tell them the truth so that she cannot make you the abuser.
> 
> Luckily, you don't have kids.


Thank you, Warlock. I could not sleep last night, and I confronted her this morning. I'm terrible at hiding my feelings.

I was calm and stern, and told her to make plans to stay with her sister up North. Unfortunately, she's about to leave for a short vacation with her family, so she's stuck at the apartment until she leaves on Monday. I've made arrangements to sit and talk with her tonight about her plans, and to make sure she has her affairs in order (pardon the pun).

I'm going to class, and I'm going to work on this final like I don't have a care in the world, but really I'm about as frightened as I've ever been.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

I wouldn't confront her just yet. You have something but nothing concrete and the stuff you have can easily be explained away. Remember, cheaters are incredibly good liars. 

I would step it up and buy some voice activated recorders (VAR's) and plant one in the house (bedroom or wherever she normally talks on the phone) and get some heavy duty velcro and secure a VAR under her drivers seat. She may have a burner phone and most cheaters usually communicate while driving.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

8 months, eh? What're your states rules on annulment? You may be able to get out easy and fast if you hurry.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Better plan-----go on line---to the state you are in---read up, on their family codes, as if you were consulting a D. atty.----then print out the complete and entire Divorce packet, in re: D., and property settlement---place it on the table where she has to see it---and say to her----YOU EITHER STOP ALL CONTACT, in all ways, shapes, or forms, or I start filing this out, and filing it

If that doesn't break her out of Disneyland, than you just may be in for D.

You need to take immediate action, and you have very few weapons to use, this is one of them, use it.----Actually it will work both ways for you, force her to stop, her EA, or go thru with the actual D.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

You have this right. Don't doubt yourself. And, yes, she will lie and tell folks yu are jealous and controlling.
I agree with the advice to dissolve this marriage. She is cheating and that is the kiss of death for the vast majority of relationships.
Good luck on the final. Sucks that she brought this pain at such a critical time.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If you have been married less than a calendar year then get an anullment. Faster and cheaper than divorce. This chick is a lemon. Take her back to the dealer and get your money back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goodbyebagel (Jun 28, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> If you have been married less than a calendar year then get an anullment. Faster and cheaper than divorce. This chick is a lemon. Take her back to the dealer and get your money back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fair enough. This bomb dropped about 2 weeks after our 1 year anniversary, though. Although, I guess I should have seen it coming.


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## goodbyebagel (Jun 28, 2012)

crossbar said:


> I wouldn't confront her just yet. You have something but nothing concrete and the stuff you have can easily be explained away. Remember, cheaters are incredibly good liars.
> 
> I would step it up and buy some voice activated recorders (VAR's) and plant one in the house (bedroom or wherever she normally talks on the phone) and get some heavy duty velcro and secure a VAR under her drivers seat. She may have a burner phone and most cheaters usually communicate while driving.


While I absolutely understand how you might think the recorders would be a necessity, I know my wife well enough to know that she would never carry a burner. She's too sloppy, she'd accidentally leave it lying on the kitchen counter. And regardless, I have more than enough information to know that she's been sneaking around behind my back. I don't need to see under the blanket to know that it's a crime scene.

The confrontation already happened this morning. I sat and watched her lie to me repeatedly about how she isn't hiding a single thing from me, and she doesn't have alternate e-mail accounts, etc. It was only after I told her that our relationship would not survive the conversation if she did not come clean, and that I would be walking out the door forever if she did not have the dignity to tell her husband what she's been up to, did her facade crack. She broke down and confessed everything.

I am staying in the apartment tonight, but I am leaving for my mom's place tomorrow. I expect her out by Wednesday, as I mentioned before. Thanks for your advice, though!


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## goodbyebagel (Jun 28, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Better plan-----go on line---to the state you are in---read up, on their family codes, as if you were consulting a D. atty.----then print out the complete and entire Divorce packet, in re: D., and property settlement---place it on the table where she has to see it---and say to her----YOU EITHER STOP ALL CONTACT, in all ways, shapes, or forms, or I start filing this out, and filing it
> 
> If that doesn't break her out of Disneyland, than you just may be in for D.
> 
> You need to take immediate action, and you have very few weapons to use, this is one of them, use it.----Actually it will work both ways for you, force her to stop, her EA, or go thru with the actual D.


Wow, those are some Sun Tzu level tactics right there. Harsh, and to the point. I guess my approach has been a little softer, but maybe that's why I've been getting abused like this.

I told her in no uncertain terms that the marriage is on indefinite hold, and that she needs to get her act together by the end of July if we are to discuss being anything beyond friends in the future.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

goodbyebagel said:


> While I absolutely understand how you might think the recorders would be a necessity, I know my wife well enough to know that she would never carry a burner. She's too sloppy, she'd accidentally leave it lying on the kitchen counter. And regardless, I have more than enough information to know that she's been sneaking around behind my back. I don't need to see under the blanket to know that it's a crime scene.
> 
> The confrontation already happened this morning. I sat and watched her lie to me repeatedly about how she isn't hiding a single thing from me, and she doesn't have alternate e-mail accounts, etc. It was only after I told her that our relationship would not survive the conversation if she did not come clean, and that I would be walking out the door forever if she did not have the dignity to tell her husband what she's been up to, did her facade crack. She broke down and confessed everything.
> 
> I am staying in the apartment tonight, but I am leaving for my mom's place tomorrow. I expect her out by Wednesday, as I mentioned before. Thanks for your advice, though!


You handled this extremely well. 
Much to my shame, when I confronted my XW with what I now consider irrefutable evidence, I backed down when she denied. I even apologized for doubting her(someone, shoot me, please((Ar are you listening)).
I admire your resolve and confidence.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Make certain she doesn't have the locks changed!


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## goodbyebagel (Jun 28, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> You handled this extremely well.
> Much to my shame, when I confronted my XW with what I now consider irrefutable evidence, I backed down when she denied. I even apologized for doubting her(someone, shoot me, please((Ar are you listening)).
> I admire your resolve and confidence.


Thank you. The evidence was on my side, and I was so tired of her shady behavior that I called her bluff. She blurted out her lies so effortlessly, it makes me wonder who this person I call my wife actually is.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Way too much talking on your part. Way to much - if you will just please stop doing this we can stay married. 

Do you have any idea where you would be right now if you had children with her? Massively screwed beyond comprehension. You keep saying: .....
She keeps hearing: He is willing to tolerate this - I just need to hide it better

You file. You end it. Having children with someone who doesn't respect you enough to stop after this long - is simply insane. Note to yourself: In the future, when you catch something like this, they go NC immediately with the understanding that any breach of that will result in you filing and forcing all communication through your lawyer. 

You yelled and screamed the first few times - but she had no real consequence. Moving out - THAT is a consequence. 





goodbyebagel said:


> Thank you. The evidence was on my side, and I was so tired of her shady behavior that I called her bluff. She blurted out her lies so effortlessly, it makes me wonder who this person I call my wife actually is.


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## goodbyebagel (Jun 28, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Way too much talking on your part. Way to much - if you will just please stop doing this we can stay married.
> 
> Do you have any idea where you would be right now if you had children with her? Massively screwed beyond comprehension. You keep saying: .....
> She keeps hearing: He is willing to tolerate this - I just need to hide it better
> ...


Objectively, I can see you're right. It's just very hard for me to go from playing the role of the compassionate doormat to the role of the bitter, jilted ex-lover.

I'm glad I somewhat dodged the bullet by not having kids with her, though. I'm out of town until Wednesday, and she's going to be upstate by then.

I still have a feeling she thinks we're going to have a tearful reunion after this time apart.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The Healing Heart: The 180
No More Mr. Nice Guy


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

goodbyebagel said:


> Thank you. The evidence was on my side, and I was so tired of her shady behavior that I called her bluff. She blurted out her lies so effortlessly, it makes me wonder who this person I call my wife actually is.


I know the feeling. Amazing how accomplisshed they are at lying.
Next time around, read up on the cluster b personality disorders and the warning signs. I suspect your wife has a disorder.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She is going to have reunion alright, just not with you. You should seriously start considering divorce.


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## goodbyebagel (Jun 28, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> She is going to have reunion alright, just not with you. You should seriously start considering divorce.


Considering divorce more strongly every day. The wife and I had a discussion last night. She claims that all she had with this guy was a friendship that dipped into the fantasy world every once in a while. He was apparently more into her than she is into him. (*Of course*, which is why she jeopardized her marriage to maintain this fantasy.) She could go online and get all the good stuff, emotionally speaking, about being in a relationship--like the compliments, flattery, and flirtatious small talk--and none of the bad stuff, like arguing about where we're gonna park at the mall. Mind you, I knew all of this anyway.

I consider myself a rather diplomatic person, and her rationalizations are fair enough--but in her struggle to regain leverage she fails to remember that I set boundaries that she crossed multiple times, by *lying* directly to me. It was only _after_ she was caught that she started expressing any penitence for her actions (Not before the huge revelation that I knew everything. Not even when I was sitting in front of her, shaking and having a nervous breakdown because I was sure she was lying to me.) She went from feeling such regret and remorse that she could hardly get out of bed yesterday morning, to sipping drinks at the beach with her friend by noon, chatting about their relationship woes (her friend just got dumped by a boyfriend of 2 months. Wow, how will she ever snap back? And the friend's lament *dominated* the conversation as though it could ever possibly take precedence over a ruptured 9 year relationship.)

My wife says that she wants closure on P, and told me that she would have called him a couple of months back to tell him she was done chatting with him, if she didn't think I was going to check the phone record, see his number and get upset. WRONG. If that one call would have signified the end of them talking, I would have been dancing in the street. And barring that, she could have sent him an e-mail, but she said e-mail is too "one-sided" and she needed a confirmation from him. I'm thinking, "This sounds really, really stupid" as I type this.

I told her that we are on an indefinite break, and that I am not ready to make any decisions about divorce yet. The fact that I've mentioned that it could be indefinite makes her think that I don't want to work on our issues, apparently. I've agreed to air all of this out with her at our regular couples' counseling appointment meeting today, because it will be therapeutic for me, and it will be a way for me to hammer into her head the idea that we are NOT a couple anymore. She was sending me Facebook messages all throughout last night about plans our common friends were making, and how she wanted to do this or that with them. Clearly, she's stepping over another boundary that I've set, just so she can wiggle her way back into her comfort zone in our relationship.

She also refuses to tell her mother about any of this until we actually start talking about divorce. So far, my (soon-to-be-ex?) wife's support group consists of her sister and some random female friend that she met at work and has known for a couple of months. What's upsetting is that her mother absolutely loves me, and asks about me all the time when I'm not around. The wife is apparently just going to lie to her mother, saying that I'm out at work or something like that. Even when she does muster up the courage to tell others (e.g. back in April when I was sleeping on the futon for 2 weeks), she only says something to the effect of "I screwed up really bad, and GoodbyeBagel is really upset."--almost making it look like I'm the monster here.

All signs point to her convincing herself that this is no big deal, and that I'm just in a Hulk rage right now. I'm sure she's thinking I'll get over it eventually. It only took me two weeks last time she lied, so maybe this will take, what, four weeks? Yeah, right.

Seriously, what is wrong with this girl? She apparently has some serious issues with responsibility avoidance.

As much of a no-nonsense person as I am, there's still a huge soft spot in my heart for the girl I fell in love with 9 years ago. My internal struggle really concerns whether this series of events undermines our relationship so badly that we could never recover from it. At this point, I'm pretty certain that there will be no recovery, and I'm sorting my thoughts out along those lines.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I wish more people would handle things the way you are. I am clapping my hands. The only thing I would recommend is more exposure to all of her friends. Who cares if you make a scene. Your marriage is the most important part of all of this. And she might have some TF egging this on b/c they want a crack at you. It happened to me once. My wife's friend tried to sabotage my relationship. Said I was out with friends partying and hanging all over chicks. The truth was, nerd moment, I'd been on a 4 hour gaming binge. I knew the girl liked me so yea my wife ended that friendship really fast. 
Think of it this way you are a young PhD. with no commitment issues. To women you are a GOLD MINE especially if you are in shape and young too.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Seriously mate, a Phd and if you're not in shape give yourself a couple months and get the body and best of all mate, you've got backbone.

Now if that ain't a prize catch i don't know what is, what say you ladies?


Leave her by the wayside and make your way to the top junior


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I would also call into question is this the real beginning of this all. You weren't married but were close for 9 years. How do you know she didn't leave a spurned lover back home. I would try to reexamine the past in a "if I had know then what I'd know now" was there something I missed. Not to bring back up but to determine if this really is the first fling for her.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She went underground EVERY TIME.
Does she needs closure? Serve her divorce papers. It's all the closure you should allow. Closure never come with a "last" conversation or meeting. It only alllows the "cross lovers" fantasy to remain intact or even worse, to go deep. It will go like this: Maybe in another world, another time, I have to do it, it's the right thing... Evething will solidify in her mind, forever.
Closure comes from within, when the fog clears and she starts grasping at the severety and stupidity of all this. What she risked.
I say talk with mom, disclose all the story. Tell her while you love her daughter you respect yourself more than this.

Go hard 180, even better, go dark on her, total NC for a while, you need to detach to think more clearly, to fight the urge to be the fixer. Stop looking at FB, stop responding any texts from her which not pertain to logistics/urgency. Stop wondering about her whereabouts. Mourn out of her sight. 

The Healing Heart: The 180

Hang tough, man.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

Facebook........again. 

When I told my MC about our own FB and online problems he rolled his eyes.

Looks like you've been taking the proper steps by stopping contact and installing a keylogger. She seems determined. You can encourage her to come on this forum to read some about some of the marriages destroyed by FB and secret online EA's.

You may also consider marriage counseling. Our counselor was even more strict than many of the members of this group, recommending NO CONTACT with the opposite sex except family on FB.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Your WW is not truly remorseful at all. She wants to rug sweep this and thinks it will all just blow over and she will be back when the dust settles.

She has the makings of a serial cheater with that kind of attitude. Here's a table I got from another site. Without true remorse, there is no way R can be successful.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The only way you are going to break her out of the fog is to expose her affairs to everyone in her family, your friends, everyone. Do not let her blame you for the downfall of your marriage. Your rep is worth it. 

And file for the divorce and have her served. You need to make her experience a harsh sanction for what she has done. She has never suffered a single consequence from you... that's why she goes from crying in bed in the morning to sipping ****tails on the beach the same afternoon.....no consequences. 

Remember a divorce petition can be cancelled or suspended if she ever comes around.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

I agree with everyone else here, file.

Clearly she has already decided that you are going to stick around anyway, hence her worry-free attitude. You are expected to munch your sh*t sandwich and not disturb her with the stench. 

Surprise her.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> My wife says that she wants closure on P, and told me that she would have called him a couple of months back to tell him she was done chatting with him, if she didn't think I was going to check the phone record, see his number and get upset. WRONG. If that one call would have signified the end of them talking, I would have been dancing in the street. And barring that, she could have sent him an e-mail, but she said e-mail is too "one-sided" and she needed a confirmation from him.


What the f*ck? Is she crazy? What confirmation does she need?


And sometimes you have to wonder if it is the same girl you loved and married?

And don't let her lie to her mother. Tell her.


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## goodbyebagel (Jun 28, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> Seriously mate, a Phd and if you're not in shape give yourself a couple months and get the body and best of all mate, you've got backbone.
> 
> Now if that ain't a prize catch i don't know what is, what say you ladies?
> 
> ...


Thanks, guys! I know I should be down to business here, but it's great to hear these compliments while I'm drowning in this sea of uncertainty.

I'm a healthy, fit Ph.D. student with nothing but my future ahead of me. I'm pretty sure I'll do fine without my wife, but I'll be sad to see her go.


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## goodbyebagel (Jun 28, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> What the f*ck? Is she crazy? What confirmation does she need?
> 
> 
> And sometimes you have to wonder if it is the same girl you loved and married?
> ...


She kinda flipped out when we moved for my Ph.D. program. No friends in this new city. She'd never been "on her own" before, since she'd always had her twin sister around for support and moral guidance. We had really strong groups of friends in the last two cities we lived in, and I know for a fact my wife would never have done anything like this. She was so preoccupied with doing other things back then, and actually was the jealous one in our relationship. This turnaround is precisely why her relationship with P was so obvious to me once we moved down here.

I plan on bringing up the issue about her mother at the counselor today. I know my wife is skirting around telling people, because telling people means it's serious. Well, guess what babe: IT'S SERIOUS.

She doesn't tell her mom by the end of July, I'm sending a private e-mail along with a link to this thread to her mom myself.


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## goodbyebagel (Jun 28, 2012)

Acabado said:


> She went underground EVERY TIME.
> Does she needs closure? Serve her divorce papers. It's all the closure you should allow. Closure never come with a "last" conversation or meeting. It only alllows the "cross lovers" fantasy to remain intact or even worse, to go deep. It will go like this: Maybe in another world, another time, I have to do it, it's the right thing... Evething will solidify in her mind, forever.
> Closure comes from within, when the fog clears and she starts grasping at the severety and stupidity of all this. What she risked.
> I say talk with mom, disclose all the story. Tell her while you love her daughter you respect yourself more than this.
> ...


Thank you  I may have misled my wife by spending time talking with her about our issues last night. After tonight, it's lights out on all contact for at least a month.

I appreciate your strong words, because they are exactly what my resolve needs right now. I know precisely what I need to do--it's just a matter of having the strength to do it. Time to start reading up on this stuff...


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

goodbyebagel said:


> She kinda flipped out when we moved for my Ph.D. program. No friends in this new city. She'd never been "on her own" before, since she'd always had her twin sister around for support and moral guidance. We had really strong groups of friends in the last two cities we lived in, and I know for a fact my wife would never have done anything like this. She was so preoccupied with doing other things back then, and actually was the jealous one in our relationship. This turnaround is precisely why her relationship with P was so obvious to me once we moved down here.
> 
> I plan on bringing up the issue about her mother at the counselor today. I know my wife is skirting around telling people, because telling people means it's serious. Well, guess what babe: IT'S SERIOUS.
> 
> She doesn't tell her mom by the end of July, I'm sending a private e-mail along with a link to this thread to her mom myself.


Stop playing her game, mate. Why _wait_ to expose and run the risk of letting the affair blossom again? You said so yourself - this is *serious*. Serious problems call for serious action - you don't wait for a cancer to spread before trying to remove it. You shouldn't wait for her to get bold and take her affair underground before exposing it to the people that matter to her. Tell her mother. *Right now*.


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## goodbyebagel (Jun 28, 2012)

Jibril said:


> Stop playing her game, mate. Why _wait_ to expose and run the risk of letting the affair blossom again? You said so yourself - this is *serious*. Serious problems call for serious action - you don't wait for a cancer to spread before trying to remove it. You shouldn't wait for her to get bold and take her affair underground before exposing it to the people that matter to her. Tell her mother. *Right now*.


That would be the action of someone who is trying to repair a relationship. This relationship is over. It's over because my wife _lied_ to me repeatedly. Even if I swing my scimitar and cut P out of the picture, I'm still left with someone who doesn't mind lying to me while looking at me in the eyes. And if it's not P, there will be someone else to take his place. I've already got remote keylogger evidence that she's tried to contact P this morning, and is trying to keep it a secret _again_.

She can have him, and he can have her. If what she wants is some shady affair with a womanizer, fine. If she wants to come out into the sunlight with her romance, that's fine. I'll be out of the picture, working back here at metaphorical ground zero, rebuilding my own happiness without her.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

I see. I was little confused because you mentioned you were going to the counselor today. I assumed you were still trying to work things out.

Since that's _not_ the case - Good on you, mate! :smthumbup:


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

That's just perfect!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

goodbyebagel said:


> That would be the action of someone who is trying to repair a relationship. This relationship is over. It's over because my wife _lied_ to me repeatedly. Even if I swing my scimitar and cut P out of the picture, I'm still left with someone who doesn't mind lying to me while looking at me in the eyes. And if it's not P, there will be someone else to take his place. I've already got remote keylogger evidence that she's tried to contact P this morning, and is trying to keep it a secret _again_.
> 
> She can have him, and he can have her. If what she wants is some shady affair with a womanizer, fine. If she wants to come out into the sunlight with her romance, that's fine. I'll be out of the picture, working back here at metaphorical ground zero, rebuilding my own happiness without her.


The emotional roller coaster is inevitable. They are inevitable. Let your emotions stabilize before you make the final decision. Stay strong

Edit : Never mind. She contacted him again? The lying.... Are you currently out of town?


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## goodbyebagel (Jun 28, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> The emotional roller coaster is inevitable. They are inevitable. Let your emotions stabilize before you make the final decision. Stay strong
> 
> Edit : Never mind. She contacted him again? The lying.... Are you currently out of town?


I'm out of town now. I spoke with her last night before driving to my mom's place. I had to drop by the apartment to pick up some personal items before I left.

She had sent me a text earlier in the night, and I made the mistake of responding and engaging her in what she intended to be an emotional exchange. 

I left the apartment after a brief discussion that went sour extremely quickly, and drove to my mom's place at 2am. I guess I should feel guilty for smiling during times like these, but I spent the whole day at a theme park, hanging out with old work friends and recovering from the entire debacle. I've felt nothing but relief, and I have no problem entertaining the idea of moving on.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Does she know that you know about her most recent contact?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's going to have her revenge by trashing your rep and blaming the breakup on you. You need to expose her NOW. Not for spite but to protect yourself from false accusations. Don't sit on this out of some blind ode to chivalry. To he*l with her! 

Expose her before she trashes you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

bandit's words ring true, don't compromise your reputation in addition to your respect


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

bandit.45 said:


> She's going to have her revenge by trashing your rep and blaming the breakup on you. You need to expose her NOW. Not for spite but to protect yourself from false accusations. Don't sit on this out of some blind ode to chivalry. To he*l with her!
> 
> Expose her before she trashes you!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So true, seen this many times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

anonymouskitty said:


> Seriously mate, a Phd and if you're not in shape give yourself a couple months and get the body and best of all mate, you've got backbone.
> 
> *Now if that ain't a prize catch i don't know what is, what say you ladies?*
> 
> ...


He won't be lacking for attention


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Mrs. T said:


> He won't be lacking for attention


Shoot, are you kidding? The women will be throwing it at him!


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

You know I was lying when I mentioned in another thread that I don't feel a perverse pleasure in bashing a WS,tbh I do. But reading about a BS taking back the POWER like a champ, now thats better than sex, honest.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

BigLiam said:


> You have this right. Don't doubt yourself. And, yes, she will lie and tell folks yu are jealous and controlling.
> I agree with the advice to dissolve this marriage. She is cheating and that is the kiss of death for the vast majority of relationships.
> Good luck on the final. Sucks that she brought this pain at such a critical time.


I couldn't agree more.

My husband and I have been married 12 years without any friendships with the opposite sex. We agreed early in our marriage not to have them. It leads to trouble, I believe.


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## goodbyebagel (Jun 28, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Does she know that you know about her most recent contact?


She knows, but this happened a couple of days ago while the confrontation was still molten hot. I have no further interest in preventing J (I cannot, in good faith, call her my wife anymore) from pursuing a relationship with P. The "no contact" rule was only a parameter of our marriage which, for all intents and purposes, no longer exists--so the rule no longer exists.


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## goodbyebagel (Jun 28, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> She's going to have her revenge by trashing your rep and blaming the breakup on you. You need to expose her NOW. Not for spite but to protect yourself from false accusations. Don't sit on this out of some blind ode to chivalry. To he*l with her!
> 
> Expose her before she trashes you!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bandit, I absolutely understand the dangers you are warning me of. I have taken some time away from my lab work, with the best wishes of my professor (who is a very understanding guy who sympathizes with my situation), and am spending my days recovering and telling our mutual friends one by one about what's been going on.

"Her friends" are remarkably smart and rational, and they would never side with J without hearing my story first. They love me as much as "my friends" love J. It would be very difficult for J to sway popular opinion against me, and I think she's honestly more interested in sorting out the emotional issues going on in her head than spending her time vilifying me to others. 

We'll see if that's actually the case, though. Sometimes information gets distorted through the "telephone game" effect, which is why I'm approaching each of our close friends individually.


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## goodbyebagel (Jun 28, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> You know I was lying when I mentioned in another thread that I don't feel a perverse pleasure in bashing a WS,tbh I do. But reading about a BS taking back the POWER like a champ, now thats better than sex, honest.


Thanks, bandit, anonymouskitty, and Mrs T! It's good to know that others also feel that I'm doing the right thing in my situation, and that the dating world will accept me with open arms once I choose to put myself back on the market.

I have had my moments of spinelessness in the past but, remarkably, I've been through much worse in the past. I have too much self respect to further tolerate the kind of abuse I'd been suffering for the last year.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

goodbyebagel said:


> Thanks, bandit, anonymouskitty, and Mrs T! It's good to know that others also feel that I'm doing the right thing in my situation, and that the dating world will accept me with open arms once I choose to put myself back on the market.
> 
> I have had my moments of spinelessness in the past but, remarkably, I've been through much worse in the past. I have too much self respect to further tolerate the kind of abuse I'd been suffering for the last year.


Hey you're going to be a doctor soon. That means you will have carte blanche to be a selfish prick. Hell man you might as well get your practice in now! LOL!


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## goodbyebagel (Jun 28, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I couldn't agree more.
> 
> My husband and I have been married 12 years without any friendships with the opposite sex. We agreed early in our marriage not to have them. It leads to trouble, I believe.


I'm glad this approach is working for you. However, I tend to disagree about the "no friendships with the opposite sex" rule. J and I were together for 8 years without me so much as batting an eye at her friendships with other males. I could never be that controlling, because I value my friendships with my extant female friends very highly, and could never have the expectation to cut all ties with every man in her life besides me. It would be so terribly hypocritical.

On the other hand, the incident between J and P was sudden and unexpected. It speaks not of our error in fostering a maladaptive relationship in which we can be friends with the opposite sex, but rather of a deeper problem with the way J and I communicate our desires and needs with one another. I have been slowly waking up to the fact that J and I were dysfunctional together in subtle but profound ways, and simply disallowing co-ed friendships would have caused more problems than it would fix.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

goodbyebagel said:


> "Her friends" are remarkably smart and rational, and they would never side with J without hearing my story first. They love me as much as "my friends" love J. It would be very difficult for J to sway popular opinion against me, and *I think she's honestly more interested in sorting out the emotional issues going on in her head than spending her time vilifying me to others.*


Here's the rub: getting busted as a cheating bimbo and backed into a corner often causes a normally rational person to become a fire breathing dragon in a heartbeat. Watch your back, she might surprise you with how vicious she can be. 

But that is besides the point: expose her before she has a chance to blameshift.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I couldn't agree more.
> 
> My husband and I have been married 12 years without any friendships with the opposite sex. We agreed early in our marriage not to have them. It leads to trouble, I believe.


Yeah I agree with that too. My husband had lots of women friends from where he used to work and they were all married. He would go out with them when he was single to ladies night out! After we met that stopped. He went only when I went with him and visa versa. I would never even think of going somewhere alone with another man married or not. Even to a crowded restaurant, I would naturally just expect my husband to come along.


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## goodbyebagel (Jun 28, 2012)

DiZ said:


> Yeah I agree with that too. My husband had lots of women friends from where he used to work and they were all married. He would go out with them when he was single to ladies night out! After we met that stopped. He went only when I went with him and visa versa. I would never even think of going somewhere alone with another man married or not. Even to a crowded restaurant, I would naturally just expect my husband to come along.


Fair enough. But your situation doesn't involve a complete ablation of all opposite-sex friendships, just no going out solo with other ladies.


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## goodbyebagel (Jun 28, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Here's the rub: getting busted as a cheating bimbo and backed into a corner often causes a normally rational person to become a fire breathing dragon in a heartbeat. Watch your back, she might surprise you with how vicious she can be.
> 
> But that is besides the point: expose her before she has a chance to blameshift.


Since this is new territory for me, I am really thankful that you guys are opening my eyes to these possibilities. If these are common behavioral patterns exhibited by caught cheaters as their lies are getting exposed, then I will have to be aggressive about making sure the true version of the story gets out first.

After all, I never would have thought on my wedding day that my beautiful, funny, sweet wife would be lying and cheating less than a year later.


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## goodbyebagel (Jun 28, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Hey you're going to be a doctor soon. That means you will have carte blanche to be a selfish prick. Hell man you might as well get your practice in now! LOL!


Haha, a Ph.D. in Molecular Biology will hardly make me an egomaniacal scientist with a God complex! I reserve that judgment for MDs who actually have a direct hand in saving lives. Me--I'm going to spend my days as a postdoctoral researcher, working 14hr days and making $40-50k/year, fruitlessly searching for a job in academia. If my ego can survive that, it can survive anything!

But yes, it's time for me to be a little selfish


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Okay, but after working 72 hours a week don't you want to come home to a wife who will be there 100%? This iteration is not the one friend. Send her packing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

goodbyebagel said:


> *After all, I never would have thought on my wedding day that my beautiful, funny, sweet wife would be lying and cheating less than a year later*.


I'm somewhat newlywed myself...this sentence makes me sad. I'm on my second marriage, the first lasted 28 years and was a shining example of what a marriage should not be. I learned a lot of lessons and left behind a lot of heartache. Meeting a man like Mr. T has changed my life. Someday you will find a woman who will value having a decent man at her side, a woman who will respect your hard work and good values.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

goodbyebagel said:


> That would be the action of someone who is trying to repair a relationship. This relationship is over. It's over because my wife _lied_ to me repeatedly. Even if I swing my scimitar and cut P out of the picture, I'm still left with someone who doesn't mind lying to me while looking at me in the eyes. And if it's not P, there will be someone else to take his place. I've already got remote keylogger evidence that she's tried to contact P this morning, and is trying to keep it a secret _again_.
> 
> She can have him, and he can have her. If what she wants is some shady affair with a womanizer, fine. If she wants to come out into the sunlight with her romance, that's fine. I'll be out of the picture, working back here at metaphorical ground zero, rebuilding my own happiness without her.


But you see, you are missing the "fun" part. 

The "fun" part is that YOU get to dictate/control when this affair is revealed. Not HER. If you expose when it is inconvenient for her to deal with, that's not your problem. It seems to me that she wants to maintain this secret as long as possible. Take that power away from her. Bring it all out into the open and watch what happens. You deserve to have some control out of this, and, since you are beginning to detach emotionally, it could be rather amusing to watch.


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## goodbyebagel (Jun 28, 2012)

Things have gotten interesting over the past few days. Here's the update:

J went on her family vacation, I went to my mom's house about two hours north of my apartment. Some friends were also in town, so we went out to some bars and clubs. Over the course of my trip, I met a girl who I immediately hit it off with, and who took the time to listen to my story. She understands that I'm in the process of a separation, and indicated that she would be interested in going out on a date with me. We ended up going out a couple of days later, and the date went well. She's interested in taking things slowly, and that's fair enough. I haven't talked with her in a couple of days, and that's alright--she's not my soulmate or anything.

I also signed up for a dating site, and started chatting with another girl. She's pretty great, and also knows the story about J and I, but she lives 500 miles away from me. We have been texting and chatting on the phone every day, sometimes long into the night.

Apparently, J has started doing some snooping of her own, and has found out about my friendship with this girl by snooping through the phone records. She's also gone and told a mutual friend about this, and now all of our mutual friends know that I'm dating. It's none of their business. Last night, I was out with some friends, and one of them pulled me aside and said, "J knows about the girl you're talking to." Apparently, J texted my friend with details including the name of the girl (from reverse phone number lookup) and the length of each conversation.

I think I'm absolutely justified in moving on the way I have, since I've got no hope in repairing my former relationship. J and I are not in a relationship as far as I'm concerned, and I do not have to answer to her on these matters. We are still technically married, but that's only until the appropriate paperwork goes through.

J sent me a message this morning: "What are you doing?" so I decided to give her a call. She explained to me that she knows about the girl I'm chatting with. I told her that I have nothing to hide, and told her about the date as well. She considers this cheating, and is taking umbrage at my actions. She apparently thought that we were going to take the month off to work on ourselves, regroup, and then possibly make up. I made it clear to J that I intend to have her sign the documents for legal separation when she returns, and that she is not indebted my loyalty to a relationship that does not exist anymore. Her response is that she didn't realize things were so final to me, and that she wished that I wouldn't date other people while we are still married.

Her whole family has turned against me. Since J is still out with them on vacation, and has been making these discoveries with her father and mother around to support her, they are very suspicious of my desire to break up with their daughter. They feel as though I always had a woman on the side and I was just making up excuses to leave J. Because who would ever leave their sweet, perfect J? J is clearly not giving them the full story.

This is becoming a huge mess.

My question:
- Is it inappropriate for me to be seeking another relationship at this point? Must I be respectful of J's wishes as we move towards filing for a separation, or is she out of line in requesting that I don't see anyone else? Is there a legal basis for any of this?

I'm planning on speaking with a lawyer this week. Also, I'm going to get my phone onto a different plan so J cannot continue to snoop via phone records. I believe my new relationships are none of her business at this point. What do you think?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

If you know for sure that you're moving on, then continue to detach from J.

By doing what you're doing now (seeing and talking to other women), the chance of reconciliation with J diminishes.

Dont start a relationship (sexual or emotional) with another woman till your divorce is finalized. You'll feel better about yourself for maintaining a standard.

Get the paperwork for divorce complete and file now.

I hope you have copies of all the evidence. Keep one secure off-site somewhere.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

You are done with her so you can date,it doesn't matter that you are technically still married.But be aware that she will try to look innocent in all this while saying to everyone how you found another girl and cheated on her then dumped her.

Do as you said and send email to her family so they get full story.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think dating so early isn't a very good idea on so many levels. It mightl cloud your judgement in the separation process. And it is not fair to the other girl either. I don't remember your recent posts, but was it made clear to your W that the separation is final and there is no hope of reconciliation ?? Now she will use your dating as the reason for the divorce.(Like she already did)

Even then, dating 2 days into separation leaves a bad taste in the mouth even if there isn't anything explicitly wrong with it. Take some time off(Month or two)


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Bagel,

I agree with Warlock. Dating for you is too soon.

I also want to make one suggestion.

Get in the car and set your inlaws straight about your wife's affair.

Do not tell you wife you are going to do this. And bring evidence so no one can deny this.

In my opinion since you guys have known each other for 8-9 years you should have done this before your unofficial separation.
Set your inlaws straight.

You know your emotions are a little on edge now. 

If you are convinced that you are leaving the marriage then go see an attorney and make it official.

Good Luck

HM64


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Bagel,
> 
> I agree with Warlock. Dating for you is too soon.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't do a face to face with the in-laws. Blood is thicker than water. Send the evidence via email or US mail instead.


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## matt82 (Jun 28, 2012)

goodbyebagel said:


> While I absolutely understand how you might think the recorders would be a necessity, I know my wife well enough to know that she would never carry a burner. She's too sloppy, she'd accidentally leave it lying on the kitchen counter. And regardless, I have more than enough information to know that she's been sneaking around behind my back. I don't need to see under the blanket to know that it's a crime scene.
> 
> The confrontation already happened this morning. I sat and watched her lie to me repeatedly about how she isn't hiding a single thing from me, and she doesn't have alternate e-mail accounts, etc. It was only after I told her that our relationship would not survive the conversation if she did not come clean, and that I would be walking out the door forever if she did not have the dignity to tell her husband what she's been up to, did her facade crack. She broke down and confessed everything.
> 
> I am staying in the apartment tonight, but I am leaving for my mom's place tomorrow. I expect her out by Wednesday, as I mentioned before. Thanks for your advice, though!


Well done. You were very meticulous about gathering enough evidence to catch her in her lies. After the trust is broken that badly, I don't know how you rebuild it.

I went through a similar situation with my now ex-wife. She was sending lovey-dovey texts and e-mails to her ex-husband. When I confronted her on it, it was deny, deny, deny. It wasn't until I moved out that she finally came clean (about some of what she had been doing). I'll never know the full extent of what she did.

Makes it really hard to trust women again.


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## matt82 (Jun 28, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> I wouldn't do a face to face with the in-laws. Blood is thicker than water. Send the evidence via email or US mail instead.


This is good advice. I had quite a bit of evidence about my wifes bad behaviour. When I made it known to them what she was doing, they wrote me back to say, "Please don't contact us again."

I'm pretty sure my ex could have been an axe murderer, and they would still find a way to defend her.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

goodbyebagel said:


> Things have gotten interesting over the past few days. Here's the update:
> 
> J went on her family vacation, I went to my mom's house about two hours north of my apartment. Some friends were also in town, so we went out to some bars and clubs. Over the course of my trip, I met a girl who I immediately hit it off with, and who took the time to listen to my story. She understands that I'm in the process of a separation, and indicated that she would be interested in going out on a date with me. We ended up going out a couple of days later, and the date went well. She's interested in taking things slowly, and that's fair enough. I haven't talked with her in a couple of days, and that's alright--she's not my soulmate or anything.
> 
> ...


She's doing _exactly_ what we suspected she would do - vilify you in front of her family and friends to paint herself as the victim to lessen her affair, or circumvent the affair altogether.

It's not too late to expose her to family and friends. If you don't, they will remember _you_ as the cheater who broke your vows. Sure, you may say that "it's not their business," or that "what they think doesn't matter." But clearly it _does_ matter to you. Stop being so damned proud. Exposing will only help you. 

Send her family her exchanges with P, and expose her blatant, bold-faced lying. Tell them that her emotional affair with P, compounded with her lying about her contact him to your face, are the reasons you are divorcing her. You cannot remain married to a woman who you cannot trust, and she has shown, again and _again_, that she _cannot_ be trusted.

In the case of your friends, if they don't already know about her, it won't hurt to tell them. So _what_ if they love her? She made the conscious and deliberate choice of straying from you and lying about it. Expose her and let her deal with the consequences.

On the dating aspect, I think that it is a bit too early to be dating. It has nothing to do with "respect for your marriage" and more about your emotional state and preparedness. Are you really ready for another relationship? Or are you looking for a rebound girl to make yourself feel better? You seem like a sensible fellow, so I don't want to think it's the latter, but I'm sure you know yourself better than anyone else.

If you think you're ready, then go for it. If not, then don't.


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## matt82 (Jun 28, 2012)

goodbyebagel said:


> J sent me a message this morning: "What are you doing?" so I decided to give her a call. She explained to me that she knows about the girl I'm chatting with. I told her that I have nothing to hide, and told her about the date as well. She considers this cheating, and is taking umbrage at my actions. She apparently thought that we were going to take the month off to work on ourselves, regroup, and then possibly make up.


Pfftt... what a load of bull! She wants to take a month off so you can work on yourselves? What kind of work is she going to do on herself? She's going to sit around for a month and whine and complain to her parents about what a horrible person you are, that'll be her idea of "working on herself" and "regrouping."



goodbyebagel said:


> Her whole family has turned against me.


You can take this one to the bank. They may have loved you before all this, but the minute you call out their precious snowflake as a liar and cheater, you become public enemy #1.



goodbyebagel said:


> Since J is still out with them on vacation, and has been making these discoveries with her father and mother around to support her, they are very suspicious of my desire to break up with their daughter. They feel as though I always had a woman on the side and I was just making up excuses to leave J. Because who would ever leave their sweet, perfect J? J is clearly not giving them the full story.


Doing a trickle truth to save face with the parents. That's predictable.



goodbyebagel said:


> This is becoming a huge mess.


Yup, and soon to get messier! Wait until she gets a lawyer who starts planting ideas in her head. That's when the fun really starts! I don't mean to make light of your situation, but if she's the type of person that is easily persuaded, the attorney will see this and make "recommendations" about what she deserves and how she is the real victim. Then you'll get these irate calls from her about how badly she's going to screw you over in court. Ah... good times.



goodbyebagel said:


> My question:
> - Is it inappropriate for me to be seeking another relationship at this point? Must I be respectful of J's wishes as we move towards filing for a separation, or is she out of line in requesting that I don't see anyone else? Is there a legal basis for any of this?


What you do on your free time is none of her business, especially since you won't be bringing new women around any of your children (because you have none). You dating other women will not hurt you in court at this point.

It's amazing how badly cheaters take it when they see a former partner going out and having fun with other people.

Just don't jump into a relationship with any new women! Far too early for that. I might get killed for saying this, but I found Pay-for-Play action to be a good outlet after my separation. Find a well reviewed one, pay her up front, and when she's done, she leaves. I wouldn't advocate this to everyone, but it is fun and will get you over any feelings you might still have for the ex.



goodbyebagel said:


> I'm planning on speaking with a lawyer this week. Also, I'm going to get my phone onto a different plan so J cannot continue to snoop via phone records. I believe my new relationships are none of her business at this point. What do you think?


You're right, they aren't. I wouldn't try to hide them from her either. Just whatever you do, don't get attached to another woman in the form of a relationship!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

While dating can be fun, extreme caution should be taken so that you don't end up in a rebound relationship. Those kinds of relationships are just as bad as affair type relationships because the majority of them are based on a need to replace rather than a desire to share and grow with another person.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

morituri said:


> While dating can be fun, extreme caution should be taken so that you don't end up in a rebound relationship. Those kinds of relationships are just as bad as affair type relationships because the majority of them are based on a need to replace rather than a desire to share and grow with another person.


 Listen to Mori ... he's very wise!!


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