# The Things People Post



## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

One thing I’ve learned on this forum, many contributors, especially the guys, but not limited to just the guys by any means, will toss out their opinions without any thought or care to those on this forum. It’s a free for all many times.
Some of y’all, do yourself a favor and find better, reputable sources to direct your concerns to. Some of this advice is not healthy. There’s so many that want to bash women on here it’s pathetic.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

EB123 said:


> One thing I’ve learned on this forum, many contributors, especially the guys, but not limited to just the guys by any means, will toss out their opinions without any thought or care to those on this forum. It’s a free for all many times.
> Some of y’all, do yourself a favor and find better, reputable sources to direct your concerns to. Some of this advice is not healthy. There’s so many that want to bash women on here it’s pathetic.


This is a PUBLIC, ANONYMOUS FORUM....the whole purpose is for "tossing out opinions", and everyone who posts questions or problems on here should be realistic and adult enough to know that going into it. 

If anything is too difficult to read and think about, my advice is always to ignore it. Taking posts from a bunch of strangers personally is a silly mistake. No one on here is responsible to "protect" other people from reading their advice and opinions.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

"Grabs popcorn"

Here we go!!!


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> "Grabs popcorn"
> 
> Here we go!!!


Shouldn’t be any need for popcorn. Just keep reposting @LisaDiane post above on a repeating loop.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Preach it sister! 🙌🏻🙌🏻


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

LisaDiane said:


> This is a PUBLIC, ANONYMOUS FORUM....the whole purpose is for "tossing out opinions", and everyone who posts questions or problems on here should be realistic and adult enough to know that going into it.
> 
> If anything is too difficult to read and think about, my advice is always to ignore it. Taking posts from a bunch of strangers personally is a silly mistake. No one on here is responsible to "protect" other people from reading their advice and opinions.



You never know what people are dealing with inside, nor what they've had to face in life.

People who are hurting, don't need to be hurt even more. All I’m saying is realize that you're possibly dealing with a very hurt individual, send them love, a kind word and your best advice if you have any worth sharing. But keep the rest of your nonsense to yourself.

Public forum or not, everyone on here needs to BE KIND!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

EB123 said:


> You never know what people are dealing with inside, nor what they've had to face in life.
> 
> People who are hurting, don't need to be hurt even more. All I’m saying is realize that you're possibly dealing with a very hurt individual, send them love, a kind word and your best advice if you have any worth sharing. But keep the rest of your nonsense to yourself.
> 
> Public forum or not my dear, BE KIND!


One persons nonsense is another persons way of dealing out hard love.
Yours is a particularly difficult situation and I think you were looking for advice in the wrong place. Your husband had no right to strike you when you told him and you should have called the cops. I know he’s an ex cop himself but you should have reported him.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

EB123 said:


> You never know what people are dealing with inside, nor what they've had to face in life.
> 
> People who are hurting, don't need to be hurt even more. All I’m saying is realize that you're possibly dealing with a very hurt individual, send them love, a kind word and your best advice if you have any worth sharing. But keep the rest of your nonsense to yourself.
> 
> Public forum or not my dear, BE KIND!


Believe me, I get what you mean. I've been snarked at, and unsettled by harsh posts. But what I have never done is allow myself to believe that anyone on here owes me any kindness. Or anything at all. I post here at my own discretion and RISK...Lol!!

And actually, SO MANY posters (especially the people who have been cheated on) have been grateful for what they call "2x4s to the head" from posters here who unceremoniously point out all the mistakes they are making in their relationships, and they get the strength from those direct, unfiltered posts.
Sometimes it's a huge benefit for people who are hurting to "hurt more" from reality, because that shakes them out of inertia and fantasy thinking, and it gets their feet on the ground to take care of themselves.

I don't think what you described in your first post (and in at least one other of your posts on another thread) is actually kindness, I think you want posters to CODDLE others. Unfortunately, most online forums are NO CODDLE ZONES, and this one is NO exception...Lol!!!

You also called out the male posters in your opening post here, and that's not really fair (I don't think, from what I've read).

The best and least "triggering" way to read open online forums is IMPERSONALLY -- take what helps, and ignore the rest.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Sour grapes 🍇 if I may say so.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Rob_1 said:


> Sour grapes 🍇 if I may say so.


There he is 😂


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

LisaDiane said:


> Believe me, I get what you mean. I've been snarked at, and unsettled by harsh posts. But what I have never done is allow myself to believe that anyone on here owes me any kindness. Or anything at all. I post here at my own discretion and RISK...Lol!!
> 
> And actually, SO MANY posters (especially the people who have been cheated on) have been grateful for what they call "2x4s to the head" from posters here who unceremoniously point out all the mistakes they are making in their relationships, and they get the strength from those direct, unfiltered posts.
> Sometimes it's a huge benefit for people who are hurting to "hurt more" from reality, because that shakes them out of inertia and fantasy thinking, and it gets their feet on the ground to take care of themselves.
> ...


Girl, these guys are brutal on some of these posts. But okay. If you think what I said isn’t fair okay. LOL. We can agree to disagree and move on. Best wishes to ya!


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Andy1001 said:


> One persons nonsense is another persons way of dealing out hard love.
> Yours is a particularly difficult situation and I think you were looking for advice in the wrong place. Your husband had no right to strike you when you told him and you should have called the cops. I know he’s an ex cop himself but you should have reported him.


I did. Thanks.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

EB123 said:


> There he is 😂


Oh yeah, his posts definitely make me flinch!! Lol!!



EB123 said:


> Girl, these guys are brutal on some of these posts. But okay. If you think what I said isn’t fair okay. LOL. We can agree to disagree and move on. Best wishes to ya!


They sure are!!! But most of them are worse to the men they don't agree with...yikes!! And there are a few women on here who I wouldn't cross even if I KNEW I was right about something...Lol!! And I haven't even been on here very long...some of the old-timers have said it was a REAL free-for-all several years ago!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

EB123 said:


> There he is 😂


But of course. Where you expecting anything less? I could amp the charge if you'd want. Aiming to please.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Rob_1 said:


> But of course. Where you expecting anything less? I could amp the charge if you'd want. Aiming to please.


🤔 I’m not sure what to say to this.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I follow the credo of my 12-step program: "Take what you need and leave the rest."


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Prodigal said:


> I follow the credo of my 12-step program: "Take what you need and leave the rest."


That’s one way to approach this I suppose. Good thinking Prodigal.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I don't bash women on here. I bash everyone. 

Here is the thing, if we are talking cheating stories. Cheating stories are basically all the same. Coddled advice, or harsh. Depending on what advice you listen to it or not, it's going to go the same way. Most BS desperate enough to post on a message board after being cheated on are looking for advice to get back the marriage they once thought they had. They won't. They are looking to have it be like it never happened. It can't. Generally speaking THIS is what the BS bristle at, not the advice. REALITY. 

Honestly that doesn't matter if they like it or not, if they believe it or not, because eventually 1,10, 20 years later they are going to have to admit this is true. It's true if they post on here and someone wipes their tears. It's true if they spend hundreds of dollars to go to some conference and buy all of some guru's books about how to make it like it once was. It's still true if they post every single day on some reconciliation apology site and are fed a bunch of Disney fairy tails about how great their marriage can be. It's true even if they give fairy tail like advice to others. It's true if the post on here and God forbid they read a response from some Darth Vader character like me. It's even true if they write post complaining about Darth Vader characters like me.

It's not the advice they don't like, it's the reality. But in the meantime ignoring reality can keep you in emotional danger at the very least.

I can see how if you fit my premise this could piss you off. I could see how I and some posters on here could come across as arrogant in their opinions. That being said, I feel most of my time spend on here is arguing the equivalent of the existence in gravity. Meaning it's not combative if it's pointing out reality. It's hard to not sound arrogant when the other persons is making the equivalent argument that gravity doesn't exist.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

sokillme said:


> I don't bash women on here. I bash everyone.
> 
> 
> Seems to me that lifting people up is more important than tearing them down. I guess integrity online is lost completely. But thanks for your comment.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

EB123 said:


> > Seems to me that lifting people up is more important than tearing them down. I guess integrity online is lost completely. But thanks for your comment.


So you would rather we all blow smoke up your ass?


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

bobert said:


> So you would rather we all blow smoke up your ass?


You got that from my comment? Wow. Are you baiting me?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

EB123 said:


> You got that from my comment? Wow. Are you baiting me?


Now you sound like another poster we have here.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

bobert said:


> Now you sound like another poster we have here.


???


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## Yetidriver (Mar 18, 2020)

EB123 said:


> Some of this advice is not healthy.


Agree 100%.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

EB123 said:


> There’s so many that want to bash women on here it’s pathetic.


I keep hearing about women bashing from some posters but I can't see it. Where?

It's like UFOs, you keep hearing about them but never see them!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

EB123 said:


> One thing I’ve learned on this forum, many contributors, especially the guys, but not limited to just the guys by any means, will *toss out their opinions* without any thought or care to those on this forum.


I agree... there's lots of tossers on this board...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

sokillme said:


> I don't bash women on here. I bash everyone.
> 
> Here is the thing, if we are talking cheating stories. Cheating stories are basically all the same. Coddled advice, or harsh. Depending on what advice you listen to it or not, it's going to go the same way. Most BS desperate enough to post on a message board after being cheated on are looking for advice to get back the marriage they once thought they had. They won't. They are looking to have it be like it never happened. It can't. Generally speaking THIS is what the BS bristle at, not the advice. REALITY.
> 
> ...


Technically speaking, gravity as a force may not really exist. Einstein argued gravity may not be a typical force, but rather the result of objects simply following the curvature of space time around a super massive object. Or something like that. 😋


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Well. It's an interesting question. To be kind and supportive, or to give people the 2x4 of honest comment. To be "mother", or to be "father"?



sokillme said:


> Here is the thing, if we are talking cheating stories. Cheating stories are basically all the same.


I'm not sure in what way you mean "the same", but I find they vary a lot.



> Most BS desperate enough to post on a message board after being cheated on are looking for advice to get back the marriage they once thought they had. They won't. They are looking to have it be like it never happened. It can't.


The above, I completely agree with. It'll never be the marriage they once thought they had. It probably never was.



> I could see how I and some posters on here could come across as arrogant in their opinions.


Oh, for sure. That's kind of why people post things online.

The question is, what blend of validating and confronting is most likely to help someone change?

I find people are generally less fragile about confrontation than one might imagine. In my last 100 couples, I think I've had only one pair quit because I was too direct. (They called it "unprofessional"). Fair enough. They'll maybe find someone to do what they want.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Laurentium said:


> Well. It's an interesting question. To be kind and supportive, or to give people the 2x4 of honest comment. To be "mother", or to be "father"?
> 
> 
> I'm not sure in what way you mean "the same", but I find they vary a lot.
> ...


I think the advice needs to be honest with an effort not to be an ass about it.

Mollycoddling does no favors.

Unfortunately posters can sometimes be asses about it.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

No gender descrimination here. if you deserve criticism , you get it.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

EB123 said:


> One thing I’ve learned on this forum, many contributors, especially the guys, but not limited to just the guys by any means, will toss out their opinions without any thought or care to those on this forum. It’s a free for all many times.
> Some of y’all, do yourself a favor and find better, reputable sources to direct your concerns to. Some of this advice is not healthy. There’s so many that want to bash women on here it’s pathetic.


I have checked your threads recently.

How is your marital situation? All is well?

TEXTS can present a somewhat dehumanized picture of themes, events and people. The emotional side of these themes, events and people is not clearly apparent to readers in many cases.

It also comes down to how much you are willing to disclose about your situation. In my honest opinion, there are things which should stay between you and your husband if you really value your partner (any couple). You two live together and should understand how to be communicative and make things work. You are adults, not kids.

The more you will disclose about your marital situation, the more is the likelihood for you (and your partner) to be scrutinized for your decisions and activities by potential readers. The easiest thing to do is to judge others and tell them to do _this_ and _that _from a safe distance.

If you want strangers to validate your every thought and step then I am not sure how this is helpful to you. It is better to seek advice for 'situations' which you are UNABLE to address in person.

Some people will be able to understand your situation better and give you better advice. Some will validate you. Others will project their own insecurities on you and tell you to cut your losses.

Digitalization have its pros and cons in the end.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

EB123 said:


> One thing I’ve learned on this forum, many contributors, especially the guys, but not limited to just the guys by any means, will toss out their opinions without any thought or care to those on this forum. It’s a free for all many times.
> Some of y’all, do yourself a favor and find better, reputable sources to direct your concerns to. Some of this advice is not healthy. There’s so many that want to bash women on here it’s pathetic.


People that have been hurt badly by the opposite sex tend to have a suspicious view of all their actions/words from then on. Others of us that have been where they are can understand their thought conclusion. 
However, there are a few women on here that continually blame the man, it's always their fault, and it shows in their posts. If you want to call out bashing, call it out on both sides.


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## Skruddgemire (Mar 10, 2021)

EB123 said:


> One thing I’ve learned on this forum, many contributors, especially the guys, but not limited to just the guys by any means, will toss out their opinions without any thought or care to those on this forum. It’s a free for all many times.
> Some of y’all, do yourself a favor and find better, reputable sources to direct your concerns to. Some of this advice is not healthy. There’s so many that want to bash women on here it’s pathetic.


One of the things you have to realize that a lot of the time, the questions/concerns are thrown out in here to get some ideas. Most of the people in here know that there are other and yes better places to get answers (professional therapists, etc) but sometimes it helps to hear the general opinion of the situation even if the advice isn't good. 

In a way it's like the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) posts that folks toss up on Reddit. The person is pretty sure they're not being the bad guy when they tell someone to stop acting like a jerk, but has insecurities that they might be in the wrong. Just hearing people say "You're not the jerk here, they are" is often enough even if the advice or suggestions or "Well this is what I'd have tone to that obnoxious person" ideas are horribly and phenomenally bad ones. 

Some folks come here knowing that a relationship has gone horribly awry and just want to hear it from others (preferably ones that have been there themselves) so they have that reassurance that it's not just them being overly sensitive. 



EB123 said:


> You never know what people are dealing with inside, nor what they've had to face in life.
> 
> People who are hurting, don't need to be hurt even more. All I’m saying is realize that you're possibly dealing with a very hurt individual, send them love, a kind word and your best advice if you have any worth sharing. But keep the rest of your nonsense to yourself.
> 
> Public forum or not, everyone on here needs to BE KIND!


In an utopian world, they would be. But sadly this ain't that. The fact that the internet lends us anonymity allows us to present ourselves how we want to and not care about the consequences. After all, you don't really know if I am actually a 50 year old man who is in a poly relationship with three others. I could be a 13 year old kid named Timmy with a huge imagination for all anyone knows. 

I do agree with you that we need to be kind and to offer more constructive advice than the "do horrible things to that cancerous polyp on the anus of humanity" sort. 

In fact I just did that in another thread where I suggested that the person who just got kicked to the curb...go out and fine some constructive and fun activities to distract them from the bad thoughts and make some friends doing it. Nothing harsh, nothing belittling anyone (not even the guy who left her), just a "Hey! This helped me when my wife came out of the closet and said she was leaving me to follow after her girlfriend" sort of post. 

You are right, we need more of that here and less of the negative...but since this is the internet and there's power in being anonymous, it ain't likely to happen.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

I totally disagree with the OP. I presented my situation yesterday and received sobering but constructive advice, right out of the box. I needed a gut check.

This morning I awoke to a feeling of sadness... read some of the threads and responses, right as rain.

I came here to validate my feelings and validate my former spouses feelings too. I agree sometimes folks can be a little rough around the edges, but a swift kick in the *** is sometimes needed to get motivated. When you see others in the same predicament you realize you're not the only one feeling the way you do.. and you see ways out.

Everyone has an opinion. If you aren't comfortable how people here articulate that opinion, then maybe this isn't the place to hear it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EB123 said:


> One thing I’ve learned on this forum, many contributors, especially the guys, but not limited to just the guys by any means, will toss out their opinions without any thought or care to those on this forum. It’s a free for all many times.
> Some of y’all, do yourself a favor and find better, reputable sources to direct your concerns to. Some of this advice is not healthy. There’s so many that want to bash women on here it’s pathetic.


Given I haven't read anything about you, I checked out one of your threads and quickly found a man (gasp) giving you good and thoughtful advice.

It kind of discredits this OP.

Here it is.









Rough Sex


Lately, my husband is all about rough sex. I don't mind roughness from time to time, but folding me up like a lawn chair and pounding away is not very romantic. We’ve talked about it. He tries to change it up he says. I’ve given my feelings on this matter. He will make adjustments and be less...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If someone is not observing the TOS then report them. Otherwise, new posters should realize that not all advice will be what they want to hear. Public forums aren’t for everyone.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

EB123 said:


> You never know what people are dealing with inside, nor what they've had to face in life.
> 
> People who are hurting, don't need to be hurt even more. All I’m saying is realize that you're possibly dealing with a very hurt individual, send them love, a kind word and your best advice if you have any worth sharing. But keep the rest of your nonsense to yourself.
> 
> Public forum or not, everyone on here needs to BE KIND!


While I agree with this in principle, it is very easy for this to become telling people what they WANT to hear rather than what they NEED to hear. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

One needs to consider the medium. This is a message format which kinda precludes lengthy posts. Granted, some members have the patience, time and fortitude to write a tome (bless their little pea-pickin' hearts). But, many members get right to the heart of the matter. 

Also, members hail from areas of the country that have different styles of communicating. For instance: do not expect a New Yorker (@bobert ) to blow hot air up your skirt or hold your hand. And, do not expect an old broad like myself to waste dwindling life moments on a bunch of folderol.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EB123 said:


> You never know what people are dealing with inside, nor what they've had to face in life.
> 
> People who are hurting, don't need to be hurt even more. All I’m saying is realize that you're possibly dealing with a very hurt individual, send them love, a kind word and your best advice if you have any worth sharing. But keep the rest of your nonsense to yourself.
> 
> Public forum or not, everyone on here needs to BE KIND!


Maybe, more judicious with those 2x4's.

It is our petered posters that need most, that spine stiffening advice.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

There is good advice mixed in here and there. But it's clear as can be why some struggle in relationships or why their spouse left them. I have seen many posts where emotional abuse is being encouraged. The poster will say something along the lines that you need to get your wife under control by not allowing her to go out, monitor her phone/internet usage, gps track her, and demand to know where she is when she leaves. I wonder if these people realize that this is their spouse and not a dog?

There is also a lot of posts that obviously have no thought to them. Nearly every situation, infidelity is assumed. Your wife of 30 years purchased Pepsi rather than coke? Oh she has no respect for you and never has! She is definitely cheating and you need to divorce her right away!

Some of the members obviously are just trying to flame others with extremely rigid black and white thinking along with outlandish conclusions based on very limited information. Or if they are really like that in real life, the only person they would have a successful relationship with is a person in a coma.

But don't take anything personally or let it affect you. Ignore the obviously bad advice like you would with spam emails. Also be very careful with implementing any advice into your own relationship as a good majority of it will steer you right to divorce court. But also keep in mind that there are a select few people who are decent and good people. Diane is one of them. We have disagreed a few times, but she is one of the nicest and most sincere people here.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Focus on the advice you feel is helpful and ignore what you feel isn’t. And if you’re ultra-sensitive, rethink posting on a public forum.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

EB123 said:


> One thing I’ve learned on this forum, many contributors, especially the guys, but not limited to just the guys by any means, will toss out their opinions without any thought or care to those on this forum. It’s a free for all many times.
> Some of y’all, do yourself a favor and find better, reputable sources to direct your concerns to. Some of this advice is not healthy. There’s so many that want to bash women on here it’s pathetic.


while I do my best to read the post from the op on a topic and sometimes look up to see if they have made other posts or start other topics , 
I find some are beating their own drum .
and any advice I GIVE IS ONLY WORTH WHAT YOU HAVE PAID FOR IT


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Some people post to look good to other posters, some to be sadistic, and some try to be helpful.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

EB123 said:


> You never know what people are dealing with inside, nor what they've had to face in life.
> 
> People who are hurting, don't need to be hurt even more. All I’m saying is realize that you're possibly dealing with a very hurt individual, send them love, a kind word and your best advice if you have any worth sharing. But keep the rest of your nonsense to yourself.
> 
> Public forum or not, everyone on here needs to BE KIND!


What woke drek is this?


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Years ago a poster going by the handle of "Wishes" started a thread.
She was a mess and her husband was too - only both didn't know just how much the other was affected by the "baggage of life." The Husband has two threads on SI

It is illustrating to read their story and see how they changed over the time span of her Affair and his postings.

It appeared to me that they would eventually get back together and somehow learn to "be happily married" after all the strife created by the "A" type husband and Wishes FOO. 

Why this post? 

Reading the posts to Wishes on TAM is an exercise in how some folks are severely challenged empathy wise and also could benefit from serious University level writing course.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

GTFO is always an option


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

EB123 said:


> One thing I’ve learned on this forum, many contributors, especially the guys, but not limited to just the guys by any means, will toss out their opinions without any thought or care to those on this forum. It’s a free for all many times.
> Some of y’all, do yourself a favor and find better, reputable sources to direct your concerns to. Some of this advice is not healthy. There’s so many that want to bash women on here it’s pathetic.


Did your feelings get hurt? No participation trophy for you?


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Numb26 said:


> "Grabs popcorn"
> 
> Here we go!!!


Share!!!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

EB123 said:


> Girl, these guys are brutal on some of these posts. But okay. If you think what I said isn’t fair okay. LOL. We can agree to disagree and move on. Best wishes to ya!


If truthful and brutal comments put out there to encourage acceptance of facts from a differing perspectives frightens you, best swipe left. Or whichever way is the next.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Every time I think the advice is over the top, TAM proves me wrong.

There was that one guy who felt a toilet seat in his house being left up was out of place. Eventually what he found apparently required legal action.

Wife finds a dildo in husband’s James Bond briefcase, turns out James Dong is followed by a PI right to an adult store where he’s apparently getting shaken not stirred.

It happens again and again.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> Every time I think the advice is over the top, TAM proves me wrong.
> 
> There was that one guy who felt a toilet seat in his house being left up was out of place. Eventually what he found apparently required legal action.
> 
> ...


I think in most cases that people can't handle the cold, hard truth. I got some harsh advice when I first got here and you know what? It was just about spot on! I can only imagine where I would be right now if I had not listened and ran off from TAM.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Works said:


> Share!!!


Especially if it has that nasty powdered butter stuff ….. oh yummy


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Numb26 said:


> I think in most cases that people can't handle the cold, hard truth. I got some harsh advice when I first got here and you know what? It was just about spot on! I can only imagine where I would be right now if I had not listened and ran off from TAM.


I got the cold, hard truth also... left for a few years and came back.. They were very much spot on.. Now I read on here every single day and have learned so much since coming back...

Even my writing has gotten somewhat better!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

EB123 said:


> One thing I’ve learned on this forum, many contributors, especially the guys, but not limited to just the guys by any means, will toss out their opinions without any thought or care to those on this forum. It’s a free for all many times.
> Some of y’all, do yourself a favor and find better, reputable sources to direct your concerns to. Some of this advice is not healthy. There’s so many that want to bash women on here it’s pathetic.


You are full of yourself. That's what you're saying?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

EB123 said:


> You never know what people are dealing with inside, nor what they've had to face in life.
> 
> People who are hurting, don't need to be hurt even more. All I’m saying is realize that you're possibly dealing with a very hurt individual, send them love, a kind word and your best advice if you have any worth sharing. But keep the rest of your nonsense to yourself.
> 
> Public forum or not, everyone on here needs to BE KIND!


Funny. Why do most of your posts attempt to judge others?
My question is your threads read like a guy posting but you've stated you're a woman. That's a bit unusual.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

EB123 said:


> One thing I’ve learned on this forum, many contributors, especially the guys, but not limited to just the guys by any means, will toss out their opinions without any thought or care to those on this forum. It’s a free for all many times.
> Some of y’all, do yourself a favor and find better, reputable sources to direct your concerns to. Some of this advice is not healthy. There’s so many that want to bash women on here it’s pathetic.


It goes both ways. There are plenty of women that bash every guy that comes on here. Some even telling a betrayed husband it is basically his fault his wife cheated on him.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

it is stretching it a bit to say only women do this or that it is only done to men when their woman cheats , Often both men and women can be put through the ropes questioned like they pushed the other into the arms of a lover ,

Then we get the word LOVE used a lot , some want the type love one experiences when the love is new and we are blind to the others dark side, but there are 5 stages in love and the one most don't know about is the 4th it is called winter if you get through winter then you get to what most in long relationships talk about when they say we love each other 
Which in loving all sins and all 


ABHale said:


> It goes both ways. There are plenty of women that bash every guy that comes on here. Some even telling a betrayed husband it is basically his fault his wife cheated on him.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> it is stretching it a bit to say only women do this or that it is only done to men when their woman cheats , Often both men and women can be put through the ropes questioned like they pushed the other into the arms of a lover ,
> 
> Then we get the word LOVE used a lot , some want the type love one experiences when the love is new and we are blind to the others dark side, but there are 5 stages in love and the one most don't know about is the 4th it is called winter if you get through winter then you get to what most in long relationships talk about when they say we love each other
> Which in loving all sins and all


No stretch at all. Unless I have missed something, I haven’t seen anyone tell a betrayed wife that it is her fault that her cheating husband stepped out. Both sides are responsible for the state of the marriage but the cheater has sole responsibility for their actions.

Forgiveness and staying with a cheater are two completely different things. You can forgive someone for their actions, that doesn’t mean you have to stay married to someone like that.


I believe most guys stay because it will ruin them financially, a woman can leave any time for the most part and take at least half of everything. There are some real horror stories on here and other sites where the husband is reduced to a one room apartment while the ex cheating wife lives it up on his earnings.

People stay because they don’t have the backbone to leave.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> There is good advice mixed in here and there. But it's clear as can be why some struggle in relationships or why their spouse left them. I have seen many posts where emotional abuse is being encouraged. The poster will say something along the lines that you need to get your wife under control by not allowing her to go out, monitor her phone/internet usage, gps track her, and demand to know where she is when she leaves. I wonder if these people realize that this is their spouse and not a dog?
> 
> There is also a lot of posts that obviously have no thought to them. Nearly every situation, infidelity is assumed*. Your wife of 30 years purchased Pepsi rather than coke? *Oh she has no respect for you and never has! She is definitely cheating and you need to divorce her right away!
> 
> ...


any man’s wife of thirty years that starts drinking Pepsi has bigger issues than infidelity. Perhaps invasion of the body snatchers or something. That’s just crazy.

need a better example😋
How about panties in a ziplock bag in her purse and taking showers immediately on going home? 

seriously though, when one sees it enough, the signs are easy enough to spot.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Funny. Why do most of your posts attempt to judge others?
> My question is your threads read like a guy posting but you've stated you're a woman. That's a bit unusual.


I haven’t been on here in a while and see that you’ve been quite busy continually commenting on my posts. Are you trying to provoke a rise out of me? Its every day or two? Weird AF.

I’m sorry my posts seem to offend you. Not sure what to say on that. 

FYI, I’m a woman. Been a female since birth, since you’re so interested 😂. Since you seem to constantly question my sexual orientation I’m assuming you have some hang up with that? What’s with that? You keep posting that I’m a guy on my posts. Why?

Are you a man or woman? Why are you so interested and constantly questioning me on this? Not sure what the deal is dude but again I appreciate you taking the time to drop by 😉.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

EB123 said:


> I haven’t been on here in a while and see that you’ve been quite busy continually commenting on my posts. Are you trying to provoke a rise out of me? Its every day or two? Weird AF.
> 
> I’m sorry my posts seem to offend you. Not sure what to say on that.
> 
> ...


Still all about you.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

ABHale said:


> Still all about you.


Another one. 😂


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I am woman, hear me roar. A big LOL


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

EB123 said:


> Another one. 😂


Just going by what you post is all. Have a great life.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

RebuildingMe said:


> I am woman, hear me roar. A big LOL


Apparently sexual orientation is what these people want to hear 🤷🏼‍♀️ Guess I should post the song on here in its full entirety LOL


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

ABHale said:


> Just going by what you post is all. Have a great life.


👋🏻 You too ABHale!


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

EB123 said:


> Apparently sexual orientation is what these people want to hear 🤷🏼‍♀️ Guess I should post the song on here in its full entirety LOL


Nope. When you use sexual orientation as the basis for your initial post, expect to get the reactions you are getting. The “guys” are not the enemy. You are your worst own enemy.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

RebuildingMe said:


> Nope. When you use sexual orientation as the basis for your initial post, expect to get the reactions you are getting. The “guys” are not the enemy. You are your worst own enemy.


Oh okay. I see what’s going on. Sad. Just sad.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Numb26 said:


> I think in most cases that people can't handle the cold, hard truth. I got some harsh advice when I first got here and you know what? It was just about spot on! I can only imagine where I would be right now if I had not listened and ran off from TAM.


This is what you see a lot. Some come here looking for a magic fix. There isn’t one.

Over the years I’ve been here a lot come back saying the advice was correct.
I distinctly remember one poster from Canada who’s wife was wanting a separation and it was all his fault. Blame shifting is an extremely effective cheater tool. It’s not gender specific. His wife would never cheat until the night he went over to her place unannounced. She was having dinner with her coworker.
Another was a young woman who couldn’t understand why her husband wanted a divorce. She took my advice fairly quickly and was shocked when she looked over their phone bill. Bingo! They still got divorced but she was thankful to get the truth.

What’s more hurtful? The harshness of truth or living in limbo?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Marc878 said:


> This is what you see a lot. Some come here looking for a magic fix. There isn’t one.
> 
> Over the years I’ve been here a lot come back saying the advice was correct.
> I distinctly remember one poster from Canada who’s wife was wanting a separation and it was all his fault. Blame shifting is an extremely effective cheater tool. It’s not gender specific. His wife would never cheat until the night he went over to her place unannounced. She was having dinner with her coworker.
> ...


Living in limbo


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Marc878 said:


> This is what you see a lot. Some come here looking for a magic fix. There isn’t one.
> 
> Over the years I’ve been here a lot come back saying the advice was correct.
> I distinctly remember one poster from Canada who’s wife was wanting a separation and it was all his fault. Blame shifting is an extremely effective cheater tool. It’s not gender specific. His wife would never cheat until the night he went over to her place unannounced. She was having dinner with her coworker.
> ...


Yes, so many people waste precious years.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Marc878 said:


> This is what you see a lot. Some come here looking for a magic fix. There isn’t one.
> 
> Over the years I’ve been here a lot come back saying the advice was correct.
> I distinctly remember one poster from Canada who’s wife was wanting a separation and it was all his fault. Blame shifting is an extremely effective cheater tool. It’s not gender specific. His wife would never cheat until the night he went over to her place unannounced. She was having dinner with her coworker.
> ...


Sure I can see your point on this. Makes sense.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

EB123 said:


> Sure I can see your point on this. Makes sense.


What most people don’t get and I’ve dealt with this my whole career. Not just with infidelity but careers, work and life in general. Life is not necessarily fair. It’s how you react or handle that unfairness.
Your life for the most part is a choice. It’s going to be what you make of it.
Many lay in the victim chair. That also is a choice.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Marc878 said:


> What most people don’t get and I’ve dealt with this my whole career. Not just with infidelity but careers, work and life in general. Life is not necessarily fair. It’s how you react or handle that unfairness.
> Your life for the most part is a choice. It’s going to be what you make of it.
> Many lay in the victim chair. That also is a choice.


That is so true.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

EB123 said:


> That is so true.


Just recently a buddy of mine (we were financial controllers in a very large Corporation) called me up. He had been passed over for a promotion due to politics. I told him that was his problem to resolve. Float a few resumes and see what you get. 
He ended up taking a similar job with another large corporation. After a year or so he got promoted to a corporate controller position over multiple plants. 18% increase In salary and gets to work from home but does have to travel. He made lemons out of lemonade.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Marc878 said:


> Just recently a buddy of mine (we were financial controllers in a very large Corporation) called me up. He had been passed over for a promotion due to politics. I told him that was his problem to resolve. Float a few resumes and see what you get.
> He ended up taking a similar job with another large corporation. After a year or so he got promoted to a corporate controller position over multiple plants. 18% increase In salary and gets to work from home but does have to travel. He made lemons out of lemonade.


That’s what you have to do in life, make the best out of what you’re given. Sounds like he got a much better deal. Good for him!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

EB123 said:


> That’s what you have to do in life, make the best out of what you’re given. Sounds like he got a much better deal. Good for him!


Yes. The secret was making a decision. A lot of people will use any excuse not to make one so they linger.
It is hard changing. You have two choices. Stay where you are or make a move, take action.
That ability can be applied to most everything.
I developed a strategy. I may make a wrong decision but I will make a decision. You can always change or alter your actions but doing nothing gets you nothing.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

EB, I agree with you about the harshness, particularly on new people. And no, it's not always the truth. It's usually just someone who thinks everyone else's problem is the same cause as their own or some version thereof. Of course, relationship problems involve both people. We never get to hear the other side. 

But yeah, a lot of new members have been run off from the harshness here. Does that mean everyone should pat them on the head and take everything they say as gospel? Of course not. But on new members, a little benefit of the doubt and it is good to try to offer a little sympathy when at all called for instead of just "you're stupid because you're still with them." I'm guilty myself as are most old-timers here, but I do try to notice when someone is genuinely new and bewildered and sad. Yes, a lot of times, it was their own actions got them where they are, but they didn't get there alone.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

EB123 said:


> Oh okay. I see what’s going on. Sad. Just sad.


Yes, there’s something wrong with everyone else. 
The world is wrong, everyone else on this forum is wrong.
It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with you…


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

DudeInProgress said:


> Yes, there’s something wrong with everyone else.
> The world is wrong, everyone else on this forum is wrong.
> It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with you…


Awe, thanks for joining the other posters on here. You’re special 😉


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

EB123 said:


> Awe, thanks for joining the other posters on here. You’re special 😉


Only compared to some. 
When you feel compelled to attack someone who is simply pointing out that you should look in the mirror and do some introspection before declaring that everyone else must be wrong…yeah


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

DudeInProgress said:


> Thank you, but in fact there are a few who are cooler.


I can’t hardly believe it lol


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

DudeInProgress said:


> This is why some of the others were questioning your gender. If you are a female, you’re either about 15, or so shockingly intellectually/socially stunted that it’s truly sad.


Sock poppet? Sounds very familiar to another poster here.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

RebuildingMe said:


> Sock poppet? Sounds very familiar to another poster here.


Is that the best you got? Come on and insult me good if you want to. You guys don’t mind bashing women on here so have at it. Jack this thread up fellas!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DudeInProgress said:


> Shouldn’t be any need for popcorn. Just keep reposting @LisaDiane post above on a repeating loop.


Wasn't that what you were already doing?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Remember fellas, blowing out her candle won't make yours burn any brighter.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

I've lost track of what the question was.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Holy crap.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Holy crap.


I think there's a bikini like that, it has the Father on one cup the Son on the other, and The Holy Ghost down below.


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> Believe me, I get what you mean. I've been snarked at, and unsettled by harsh posts. But what I have never done is allow myself to believe that anyone on here owes me any kindness. Or anything at all. I post here at my own discretion and RISK...Lol!!
> 
> And actually, SO MANY posters (especially the people who have been cheated on) have been grateful for what they call "2x4s to the head" from posters here who unceremoniously point out all the mistakes they are making in their relationships, and they get the strength from those direct, unfiltered posts.


It's true that nobody owes us kindness. At the same time, people should treat others the way they would want to be treated themselves. I cringe when I see people post things like "man up" or "grow a pair" because it's trite and unhelpful. It comes across like a putdown toward someone who comes here seeking help. There are posters here for whom a verbal 2x4 is the only way to get through to them, but not most of the time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> Sock poppet? Sounds very familiar to another poster here.


*You have been on TAM long enough to know that calling other members out as trolls or sock puppets is against the rules. So, why do you think the rules don't apply to you?*


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> *You have been on TAM long enough to know that calling other members out as trolls or sock puppets is against the rules. So, why do you think the rules don't apply to you?*


Sorry. Of course they do. I’ll accept punishment. I apologize to OP also.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> Sorry. Of course they do. I’ll accept punishment. I apologize to OP also.


Oh dear…


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> I've lost track of what the question was.


Same. And now my head hurts.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

SCDad01 said:


> Same. And now my head hurts.


It will be alright. All you need to do is take a Bex and have a lie down.


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## sunstoner (5 mo ago)

EB123 said:


> You never know what people are dealing with inside, nor what they've had to face in life.
> 
> People who are hurting, don't need to be hurt even more. All I’m saying is realize that you're possibly dealing with a very hurt individual, send them love, a kind word and your best advice if you have any worth sharing. But keep the rest of your nonsense to yourself.
> 
> Public forum or not, everyone on here needs to BE KIND!


I do know where youre coming from but as a user of various different forums for many years, I have noticed a vast change in the way people interact with each other on forums and online in general.

In the early days, most people would reply to a posts in a reasonable polite manner taking some care not to cause offense whilst trying to make a point.

Nowadays its more dog-eat-dog. Less care is taken and on the whole, people have become way more atagonistic in their replies as they strive to ram home their opinion. This I believe is a behavioural fallout from social media where its pretty much a 'No Holds Barred' attitude towards strangers.

Ought to say of course this isnt everyone but there is much more of this 'new' behaviour found in most online forums nowadays. You need your hard hat more often than ever when reading forums.

However as said above in earlier posts, its just a case of looking past it even though it can make for negative reading.


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