# He is way more unhappy then he will ever tell me!



## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

He left his cell phone at home on accident today and I was tempted to see what he has been searching so I could have a better idea for a christmas present. I saw he is searching womens profiles on facebook and their pictures, lots of them, and he doesn't ever go on facebook. This is following me finding him looking on craigslist for a fun way to end the weekend with a bang on personal ads on craigslist which he says is for ****s and giggles and was for amusement more than anything. 

On our anniversary while drunk he disclosed how horrible I am, and how he only wants me for the kids. After this I told him that because of our previous issues (emotional distance, never being present, etc) that made me lose my feelings for him and I would like to salvage the relationship before I graduate but if the relationship isn't better I would probably file for divorce. He said he will not stop me and nothing will change because he works too much but he does love me. I only see him one hour a day while he is getting ready for work, and a few hours on sunday before bedtime. I take really good care of him making his lunches and always leaving a plate in the refrigerater, cookies, and such as well. I feel like I'm just playing house with nothing in return but financial support. I'm not really sure where this is going but I told him I want to salvage it, but I guess it seems his heart is elsewhere :scratchhead: This really sucks, are all marriages so difficult?
It just seems it should be much more simple to please one another if both try.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

mrsmanhatten said:


> It just seems it should be much more simple to please one another if both try.


True, but BOTH TRYING is the key phrase. It sounds like he has pulled out of trying to invest for various reasons...and is trolling the net for a good time.

I can see your rationale for trying to hang in there for security vs. the thought of going back into the world on your own, but if he unwilling to meet you in the middle of working out the marriage...then devastation is inevitable.

It's time to get confrontational...set boundaries...have a gameplan ready if he says no to getting help on the marriage. Best book I have read is Love Must Be Tough...for those who want to turn things around in a crisis marriage. People in this forum suggest doing the 180 (just search for it on this forum)...basically a flipping of the switch to demonstrate some self-respect and calling your husband's inappropriate behavior to the carpet. Others would suggest trial separation...but overall...doing nothing, sweeping this under the carpet to avoid pain...is only going to prolong the torture and make it all the more painful.

Sorry you are going through this. Just sucks.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

First, pay little attention to what drunks say. They're drunk. Second, he's not on craigslist looking for women who bake cookies or leave plates in the fridge. Third, if you see him maybe 6 hours a week, apparently he's using the bulk of his time earning a living, presumably for you and the kids. In his mind, he's probably a helluva great husband and father because he's working his behind off. In your mind, you are being a great wife when you bake cookies and leave plates in the fridge. In his mind he's being a great guy when he trudges off to work. You're both probably "saying" the same things but in languages your spouse doesn't hear. What does he think a great wife would do? Judging from his craigslist interest and the fact that he's got a penis, I'm guessing sex makes him feel valued. I work A LOT, too. That's what my grandfather did. That's what my dad did. That's what I was told a "good" man did for his family. When I'm working 12-16 hours and my wife doesn't have to work, I feel like I'm sacrificing for her and showing her tons of love. My wife pre-treats my socks so they are sparkling white. She thinks that's showing me love. I could really give a rat's butt about white socks. They go inside my boots. Once I figured out that white socks meant love to her, I started appreciating them a lot more. Times are hard and kinda scary. Folks who are lucky enough to have jobs feel the need to bust fanny. He's lonely or he wouldn't be on Craigslist. You're lonely or you wouldn't be here. If he tried to learn your language and you tried to learn his, you both would probably hear exactly what you need to hear.


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## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

I've been doing counseling for myself and discussing options. I just have daddy issues and I'm not comfortable with making such a life changing decision that will affect my kids. I'm tormented over it all. I just wish he were more receptive. He has an excuse for everything which all comes down to time and his schedule. He also does not want to take a job with less hours, less pay. I feel I've presented all options. I hate the word divorce, I think anything is salvageable. My therapist thinks I can't let go of the fantasy. I will confront him but he will of course be innocent...lol. I don't like where this is going. I think I'm in denial.


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## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> First, pay little attention to what drunks say. They're drunk. Second, he's not on craigslist looking for women who bake cookies or leave plates in the fridge. Third, if you see him maybe 6 hours a week, apparently he's using the bulk of his time earning a living, presumably for you and the kids. In his mind, he's probably a helluva great husband and father because he's working his behind off. In your mind, you are being a great wife when you bake cookies and leave plates in the fridge. In his mind he's being a great guy when he trudges off to work. You're both probably "saying" the same things but in languages your spouse doesn't hear. What does he think a great wife would do? Judging from his craigslist interest and the fact that he's got a penis, I'm guessing sex makes him feel valued. I work A LOT, too. That's what my grandfather did. That's what my dad did. That's what I was told a "good" man did for his family. When I'm working 12-16 hours and my wife doesn't have to work, I feel like I'm sacrificing for her and showing her tons of love. My wife pre-treats my socks so they are sparkling white. She thinks that's showing me love. I could really give a rat's butt about white socks. They go inside my boots. Once I figured out that white socks meant love to her, I started appreciating them a lot more. Times are hard and kinda scary. Folks who are lucky enough to have jobs feel the need to bust fanny. He's lonely or he wouldn't be on Craigslist. You're lonely or you wouldn't be here. If he tried to learn your language and you tried to learn his, you both would probably hear exactly what you need to hear.


I get it which is why I don't nag and make him do anything at home. But he would work 12-16 hours with or without me in the home and I work too, I have two special needs kids. You still have to be PRESENT when your at home. Lonely??? maybe within the last month after he called me a stupid ****ing *****, a lazy *****, and he only wanted me for the kids. Before then he had it 2-3 times per week initiated by me! If he would start acting like a lover, partner, companion, and play with his kids and talk to me maybe he wouldn't be so lonely. and yes im lonely so im here but im not looking to hook up with anyone...poor choices


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Cookies  whoever said the way to a mans heart is through his stomach failed geography.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

mrsmanhatten said:


> I get it which is why I don't nag and make him do anything at home. But he would work 12-16 hours with or without me in the home and I work too, I have two special needs kids. You still have to be PRESENT when your at home. Lonely??? maybe within the last month after he called me a stupid ****ing *****, a lazy *****, and he only wanted me for the kids. Before then he had it 2-3 times per week initiated by me! If he would start acting like a lover, partner, companion, and play with his kids and talk to me maybe he wouldn't be so lonely. and yes im lonely so im here but im not looking to hook up with anyone...poor choices


I don't think anyone comes here seriously looking for a hookup, but I also don't believe we're a Mecca for the deliriously happily married, either. What he said was very hurtful but he was also drunk. I haven't been that way in many years but I've been plastered and I probably said ignorant, hurtful stuff, too. Pay attention to what he does when he's sober. That's a better indication of who he is. Is it possible for him to cut back his hours?


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## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I don't think anyone comes here seriously looking for a hookup, but I also don't believe we're a Mecca for the deliriously happily married, either. What he said was very hurtful but he was also drunk. I haven't been that way in many years but I've been plastered and I probably said ignorant, hurtful stuff, too. Pay attention to what he does when he's sober. That's a better indication of who he is. Is it possible for him to cut back his hours?


I agree to pay attention to him sober. We have talked about it and he does not want to say no because he is climbing the ladder. I'm sure he has the best intentions at heart and I don't know what it is like to bear the burden of providing presently, and long term so I try not to judge that decision. I do think he could get home and not sleep, maybe talk to me. He chooses to not be present. In theory, I could say...great your home, my shift is over for the next two hours with the kids. Later, I'm going to bed. This is ludicrous but this is what he is doing. And I know I'm not a perfect wife because I do those things for him, I was just stating that I am trying to make him feel that he matters and I'm willing to do these smaller things for him to feel cared for.....and you obviously don't know my cooking...lol it's really good! And if he is unhappy he could "communicate" such things


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## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

searching 180 as we speak


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## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

2galsmom, so I should hold him accountable for his drunk speech (not in front of kids), and his dumbness by leaving things on his browser history. That is communication? What he tells me is he loves me and he does not have time.


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## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

It just seems hard to imagine him in "that light" but I'll consider it. I'm sure he's angry with me and is envious of my "role" at home (see's it as easier, and it may be). I will google the 180, I'm not finding much in the search on TAM?


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## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

I was just reading about passive aggressive men and I could see how his arguing skills match such men. I'll look more into it. He won't do anything because he is not doing anything wrong. I don't think he has ever cheated but I'm sure he thinks about it. If he had more time, he most likely would if he were out and about with friends, which he doesn't really have. Thanks for the link and all the info.


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## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

I remembered reading a list of the 180 and so I googled it and found this Being a Beautiful Mess | Dealing with the mess of life, love, betrayal, divorce, and dating

and it says no gifts...hmmm it's christmas time.

I guess I'll have to confront him about his facebook stuff then start the 180. It will actually be really easy to do considering he is never home. But it will give him a reason to hate me more because I won't even be acting like a wife by not doing his laundry and cooking for him, seems like he will withdraw more foreseeing his personality.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

When he's home and he isn't asleep, what's life like for him? If he's avoiding interaction, there's gotta be a reason. Folks tend to spend time doing what they know how to do and less time on things they suck at. At work, I have some position, I get lots of respect, there's nothing I can't handle (so far). People bring me their problems and I fix them. At home, it's Dramatown. My wife tosses 15 things at me that she's unhappy about and none of them are things I can control or do anything about. It's frustrating and it makes me want to look for more overtime. If y'all have special needs kids, he may feel inadequate dealing with them. Guys are really pretty simple. We have huge egos. If he does help out, stroke his ego with a little praise. He'll probably do more as long as he thinks it's noticed and appreciated. I know that aint fair and you do tons more around the house and for the kids. Just telling you how we think. One thing that shuts me down quicker than anything is frequent criticism. Maybe y'all could use a couple night out or a vacation. It's really easy to focus on kids and job and forget to date each other.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Not sure what there is to confront. He likes looking at and fantasizing about women. That means he's male. He left his account unlocked, meaning he can be a little careless. In other words, he's male. You already talked to him about this. He knows you don't dig it and he knew when he was browsing the pictures. He got drunk at least once and said stupid, offensive stuff. That means he drank too much. If it's excessive, steer him toward AA or some other treatment. He can't go back in time and undo any of this and I doubt he even knows why he did any of it. You don't believe he's having an affair or ever has. 
I expect that if the truth were known, 90% of affairs initiated by husbands have nothing to do with sex and everything to do with feeling appreciated and respected. I've been an interrogator many years and can tell you that people (even guys) love to talk. Their favorite topic is themselves. If he is avoiding communicating with you, it's probably because he doesn't believe he can without being punished in some way. Wouldn't busting his testicles for something he can't undo only reinforce that belief, if that's the case? His logical conclusion would be to confirm that away from home is safety and home is where the drama is.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

mrsmanhatten said:


> I feel like I'm just playing house with nothing in return but financial support.


Oh boy...! This has got to be a wind-up.

If only we had the option, eh fellas?

Bake cookies in exchange for somewhere to live and shopping money...

Back in the real world, if you don't have a car and your own place, work out three times a week and pass all the petty attempts at taking control, then shipwreck is inevitable.

"makes cookies" ...

I can make my own thanks!


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Cookies  whoever said the way to a mans heart is through his stomach failed geography.


Great point!!

OP what have you done over the year's to meet your husband's sexual needs. Men can over look a lot if they are being taken care of in the bedroom. Could he have any resentment towards you in this area?:scratchhead:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I know I'm a guy and think like one, but when my unemployed wife says the "only" thing I do is work (as in 80 hours a week) it almost makes my head explode. Even if it were true that I "only" did that (which it isn't) that's a damned site more than anyone has ever done for me.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

over20 said:


> Great point!!
> 
> OP what have you done over the year's to meet your husband's sexual needs. Men can over look a lot if they are being taken care of in the bedroom. Could he have any resentment towards you in this area?:scratchhead:


Never mind sex, you can get that anywhere !!

I'd overlook anything so long as I didn't get the impression I was in a transactional relationship... 

especially where the currency was measured in cookies !!!

Mind you, I do like a good cup of tea in the morning 

So.... OP... Can you make a good brew...?


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> I know I'm a guy and think like one, but when my unemployed wife says the "only" thing I do is work (as in 80 hours a week) it almost makes my head explode. Even if it were true that I "only" did that (which it isn't) that's a damned site more than anyone has ever done for me.


Jesus, there's going to be a riot!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Then, my work here is done.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

You are not spending enough time together, have you ever? Doing fun, interactive things? I am gonna go against the 180advice and say to try to engage him. What made you two fall in love? Could you talk, do fun, interactive activities together, and try to regain what was lost? Or was it ever there?


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## Depressedjoe (Dec 22, 2013)

Perhaps he has a porn addiction like me..I used to do the stuff described..looking at various things from craigslist to Facebook pics of ex gf to get off..he probably just is looking to relax and ...just be nice to him maybe he will open up. Don't argue with him tell him you are disappointed...


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## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

Wow, you guys are having too much fun with the cookie idea! Unbelievable, yes I'm sure he feels unappreciated as do almost every couple that has been together in "real life" for 10 plus years. I try my best but I'm no saint either. Sometime the most I can do is make sure he is fed and his clothes are done and so forth. That does make him feel special. Waking up to coffee, food, lunch for work made. It tells him I appreciate what he is doing. I could cause drama as you say but therapy has helped me to understand he does not have the capacity to meet my needs by doing around the house so there is no drama in that. We see each other 11 hours a week and he wants me to fill him in on the kids and life so that is what we talk about, and he enjoys that. I've always known he was quiet so, I know it's an easy scapegoat to say that I'm not having sex with him enough but sadly he has always been that way. 

About the financial thing, I quit school and work to care for our special needs children that require more. It is the most respectable thing to do since it was and is in the best interest of the kids to make sure I am able to financially support myself and them without it taking everything from him in alimony and such. I can support myself, many times over. I've had to make certain sacrifices for the best interest of our children. If I would leave now the court would be very unfair to him and he would be miserable. That is not what I want. I want what is best for all of us including working through this by him being more present when he is at home with me and the children. That is not too much to ask for.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I was a little surprised by the reactions here, but then DH pointed out that I have to consider the audience...

Would it be possible that your DH feels excluded? You've taken care of pretty much everything to do with kids and household it appears, and I can understand how that would seem necessary as he's working so much. His only input, from what I've read, seems to be financial. I can't even imagine how he has time to connect with his kids either.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

breeze said:


> I was a little surprised by the reactions here, but then DH pointed out that I have to consider the audience...
> 
> Would it be possible that your DH feels excluded? You've taken care of pretty much everything to do with kids and household it appears, and I can understand how that would seem necessary as he's working so much. His only input, from what I've read, seems to be financial. I can't even imagine how he has time to connect with his kids either.


Bit of a no-win situation here. Give up working so hard, lose your career prospects, wife goes back to college/work to make up the income, husband loses provider points, wife falls in 'love' with her new boss/classmate...

Or carry on earning the money, get a promotion which requires even more hours at work, wife unhappy and bored, falls in 'love' with the first sympathetic pair of ears...

What a strange world. No-one's going to give me a place to live and money while staying at home and getting an edufication. 
I wouldn't complain about it if they did... 

Millions of people in the US are unemployed and millions are homeless/ in prison/ on drugs etc.

Is there something more to this? Are you comparing your life to a woman friend's so-much-better life? You'll still get his income whether you stay or go, as you have pointed out... is there some greener grass nearby


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Sandfly said:


> Bit of a no-win situation here. Give up working so hard, lose your career prospects, wife goes back to college/work to make up the income, husband loses provider points, wife falls in 'love' with her new boss/classmate...
> 
> Or carry on earning the money, get a promotion which requires even more hours at work, wife unhappy and bored, falls in 'love' with the first sympathetic pair of ears...
> 
> ...


I must've missed something in this thread as I thought the OP was a SAHM looking after two special needs kids with a DH who is has stated he is unhappy and is possibly looking for other outlets. Where did the rest of that come from?


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Sandfly said:


> What a strange world. No-one's going to give me a place to live and money while staying at home and getting an edufication.
> I wouldn't complain about it if they did...


No one's going to cook for you, clean your house and be your nanny for free either. Why the need to devalue her contributions and sacrifices for her family?


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

TiggyBlue said:


> No one's going to cook for you, clean your house and be your nanny for free either. Why the need to devalue her contributions and sacrifices for her family?


He can pay a cook, hire a cleaner or a nanny. I don't think men marry their wives for these things. They mistakenly go into it seeking moral support and life-long companionship, and instead get threats about leaving and taking the children and finances with them.

As for devaluing contributions...

"with nothing in return but financial support"

is devaluing contributions big time, in this wrecked economy.

Spending a third of your life under the gaze of some middle-manager dictator is a humiliating and unrewarding life ... there's more 'sacrifice' comes with this mere financial support than people give credit.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The OP earlier said that he would work whether or not he was married. By the same token, presumably, she would still cook and keep a decent home if he weren't in the picture. These acts of service, valuable and necessary as though they may be, can't replace the requirement for lovers to behave like lovers. I think lots of us have been guilty of letting life get in the way of our most important relationship.


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## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

breeze said:


> I was a little surprised by the reactions here, but then DH pointed out that I have to consider the audience...
> 
> Would it be possible that your DH feels excluded? You've taken care of pretty much everything to do with kids and household it appears, and I can understand how that would seem necessary as he's working so much. His only input, from what I've read, seems to be financial. I can't even imagine how he has time to connect with his kids either.


Yes, I would feel excluded if I worked so much. He does miss out on quite a bit of children things.


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## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

I don't understand why this is going on and on as it is. So let me get this clear. I am an ungrateful wife because I'm a bit lonely and would like more clear communication from my husband so we can move forward? I am wrong for being true to "our" arrangement (not your and your wives). Stop projecting you guys issues on my marriage. Yes, he is financially responsible for me and his children. It is cheaper to keep her!!! I hope we can work out our issues until I can not be so dependent on him. I would still keep a clean home without him and he will still work without me. That is so obvious, the problem is communication, and being present in the marriage. I'm not telling him everything is fine while cruising craigslist and facebook for "whatever" it is. 

So you guys are bitter we prepared for the "what ifs" that being financial support among other things and I'm communicating we are in that time. Would you prefer I throw everything to the wind on impulse and leave him moving 2000 miles away because I cannot possibly afford living in the san francisco bay area alone while attending school and childcare and him pay me $3000 plus on alimony and childcare? While his kids no longer see him as much and ruining any chance of making this work? You guys are not even being logical. Quit projecting your dumb **** on me! I'm being honest, kind, supportive, and logical throughout all of this. Do you know how hard it is to find a job after not having one for 5 plus years. You have to look at the bigger picture here.


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## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

Sandfly said:


> Bit of a no-win situation here. Give up working so hard, lose your career prospects, wife goes back to college/work to make up the income, husband loses provider points, wife falls in 'love' with her new boss/classmate...
> 
> Or carry on earning the money, get a promotion which requires even more hours at work, wife unhappy and bored, falls in 'love' with the first sympathetic pair of ears...
> 
> ...


You know nothing about me because I'm not going to throw away 10 plus years together over "listening ears" to be completely honest I never want a husband or any other man for that matter. I have more respect for my husband and children than you think. And, he does not have to take less hours for me to go to school. No grass is greener, 75 percent of them are selfish, narcissistic, unable to compromise, miserable creatures, over worked, unsatisfied with themselves therefore it is everyone else around them that is the problem!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

OP - I am in a sexless marriage on life support. I know all the signs of a doomed marriage due to sexlessness all to well.

That is NOT your problem. Yours is clearly an emotional disconnect from your husband. The fact that he works so much away from home, and that you work so much in the home - is admirable and necessary, but will be the downfall of your marriage if you guys don't find a way to spend more time together.

Trust me I know. I don't even get 11 hours a week with my wife. But if I could offer any advice it would be this, look inside yourself to see what you really want out of this. You know the type of man he is. He's not going to come out and tell you what's on his mind. You'll have to derive that from his actions. And right now his actions are telling you that he's "looking" for strange. Ask yourself why that is? If you were always the initiator in the relationship than it has to be an emotional disconnect.

Not of your doing. You guys are a victim of lifes circumstances. I think this is fixable but don't get sidetracked with the things you do for him or the things he doesn't do for you. Those are symptoms. The cause stems from the fact that you guys are more like roomates than lovers right now.


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## Gomerpyle (Dec 27, 2013)

There needs to be time set aside for a serious talk about the marriage. An appointment, with plenty of time set aside. 

If he won't do that then that's telling you clearly enough.


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## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

Thanks for KIND words. Sinnister it is very difficult circumstances and I am thankful that it will change in 1-3 years when we move again and he will not agree to a grave yard shift. In the meantime, I am focusing on the things I want from this marriage. I love my husband and I would like love, attention, and not feeling like a red headed step child. I'm not sure where his mind is, we will have a couples therapy next week. The kids will be away at their grand parents and hopefully we will get more time then. I'm willing to work through everything. Over the holiday he was grumpy so I just let him sleep most of the time. He didn't get me a gift so perhaps he's on the 180...lol ah well...I just don't *****, state how I want to be treated, will not be treated, etc...pray for the best..I hope I can keep hope alive, he is a good guy... Have a good new years!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

He's working long hours but he still has time to pursue pics of girls on FB and elicit ads on Craig'sList, time that rather wasted doing these things would be better used by pursuing his wife. Part of it is the amount he is working but the other part is that he's not showing his interest in you like he used to and that creates distance.

It almost sounds like you have become his caregiver and he is the little boy who can do what he wants when he wants just like he did with his mom at home. He knows you are there for him and eventhough he might not be happy you are the one caring for him.

He has to take his share of responsibilities and part of that is a responsibility to you, his wife who he should be sending a text to, or going to lunch with, or calling to say hello. It takes only a few second to write a note saying "I love you." And I bet he did these things when he was pursuing you or you would not have had the interest in him. He needs to know you still need this. Once you feel more connected the distance will fade.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

mrsmanhatten said:


> Thanks for KIND words.


Any time.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Sandfly said:


> Any time.


I think your contributions were unhelpful to say the least. Maybe you should leave the OP alone...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

breeze said:


> I think your contributions were unhelpful to say the least. Maybe you should leave the OP alone...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe. Check out the first-page comments from the other men on this thread. Completely ignored, yet they might be onto something.


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