# Amicable divorce?



## Amorous (May 14, 2015)

Have you or someone you know managed this? What do you think helped to pull it off? Specially interested if there is a child in the picture.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I can think of two, but one couple isn't actually even divorced.

Couple #1: I was neighbors with these people, Kevin and Jen. Their relationship started over 10 years prior to me meeting them, when Jen was married to Bob and had a toddler, and had an affair with Kevin, who was a mutual friend of Bob's and Jen's. Bob and Jen split, and Kevin and Jen are still together. However, Bob and Jen are still not divorced and Bob frequently visits Kevin and Jen for weeks at at a time, goes on vacation with them, etc. It's so odd. I think Bob might be gay based on some things Jen has told me. (Although, he did seem very interested in ME once time during a lengthy visit to them, so I really don't know if he is gay or not). Bob has had no relationships during this entire time span, has made no moves to file for divorce (neither of of them has), pays child support, part of their rent, their car, etc. It's such a weird situation. Bob works for a government contractor so is overseas for very long periods of time and often doesn't have a permanent residence to go back to, so he'll stay with Kevin and Jen. Kevin and Jen also move around the country a LOT. Not financially responsible.

Couple #2: I dated a man for 3 months a few summers ago. I've talked about him here in another thread--we broke up when I discovered he didn't brush his teeth, like ever. He was in his mid forties and his ex wife had an affair while she was pregnant with their son, who was a teenager when I dated him. She had an affair with her rich boss. She ended up marrying him. He's the CEO/founder of a local bank now. They are very wealthy and the man I dated, well, he's a 21 year old trapped in a 46 year old man's body. He lives to play and is a former history teacher turned country club bar tender and golf enthusiast. His son is more mature than he is. I'm quite sure that's why his ex wife left him for the banker. Anyway, she ended up having two more kids with the banker. The man I dated, her ex, is super close to the oldest one and even takes her on his vacations with his son (her half brother). He's a really great "second dad/uncle" to this girl, even more involved/fun than her own banker father. One one of our first dates we went to a big BBQ at their huge beautiful home. It was a bit awkward since I was not getting along at ALL with my ex and I absolutely could not comprehend this relationship. Works for them though. I think the man I dated just has a really good understanding that he's not marriage material because he's too much of a child himself and he takes what he can get in terms of still having a friendship with her. He still pays child support, but says she just puts it into a separate account for their son because she does not need the money.


----------



## Marlo (May 14, 2015)

My parents split when I was in the 5th or 6th grade. I dont even know exactly when it happened because it went so...smooth I guess. Im pretty sure they split because my mom was cheating, though Im not sure. Now that Im older they let little details slip. Anyway they have remained friends the entire time. My dad often helped my mom out with handy stuff in the house she bought and my mom had no problem helping my dad out financially if he needed it. My dad is remarried now and my step-mom and mom get along. My mom isnt married but is in a long term relationship with someone and has another child with him. Everyone gets along so well. When everyones together (we all live in different states/countries now) we all stay together at my dads usually. Dad treats my (half)brother like his own too.

Never split Christmas, thanksgiving, or birthdays- one parent always just came to the others house or wed always just met somewhere
we'd still have game nights sometimes.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

My BIL and SIL so far are pretty amicable. 

She knows she's a ****head for having an affair so she's slinking off somewhere. After 3 years of being in limbo he's just relieve to get on with his life.
She makes a bit more money than him, so there's no fight for alimony. 
She doesn't want full custody of the kids because she likes the time without them, (she's admitted this). 
There's almost no equity in the house, so she's giving him the house. 
She's already living in her own apartment so the contents of the house have pretty much been divided. 
They are also not going after each others retirements.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* "Amicable Divorce": Now that's an oxymoron if I ever heard one!*


----------



## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Yes, a divorce can be 'amicable' if BOTH parties are willing and able to table their emotions to go through the process.

My ex and I made it through and still remain on friendly terms. Not nearly what some of these others do, I did lay down some boundaries. It was hard based on the circumstances of our divorce to choke down some of the emotions, but I think in the long run it was certainly better for our children.

Having children in the picture certainly had the most influence with how our divorce was handled. We both wanted to be involved and be able to spend time with the girls. A hostile divorce would have ruined for both of us and the kids. 

I will admit that my ex was very leveled headed and did not ask for anything unreasonable. Did not touch my retirements and let me have first choice of material things. Everything was pretty much 50/50. The fact that she cheated may have played in there, but the end result did not kill either of us financially for to long.


----------



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Amorous said:


> Have you or someone you know managed this? What do you think helped to pull it off? Specially interested if there is a child in the picture.


Yes, I am going through an amicable separation/divorce. 

It didn't start off as amicable. I remember the day we got together at a coffee shop to "talk" about our issues, and ended up screaming at each other in the parking lot before driving off in anger. It was not fun, it was in fact an extremely painful process.

10 months later, we can talk to each other like civilized adults without raising our voices or being condescending. This is only because we both went through all the phases of denial, anger, wanting revenge, being hurt, being desperate, crying, trying to reconcile, and then rinsing and repeating until we both realized it just would not work. My last real "meeting" with him, I kissed his face and told him that I would always love him, but that it was time for both of us to accept the end of this marriage and move on.

I honestly believe that's what allows me to talk to him without wanting to rip his face off. The fact that we tried to reconcile, that we got to a point where we opened our hearts to each other and told each other we love each other, but it still didn't work. I am not a bad person and he is not a bad person - but he should not have gotten married. He was not ready for the responsibility of being a husband or a father.

Also, at the end of the day, I am much happier and more peaceful as a separated single mom than I was as a married wife and mother living in his home with all his family. 

I have yet to file the papers and I hope it doesn't end up being a nasty divorce - we both want to be amicable, especially for our daughter. She will learn how to interact from people based on what she sees from her parents' interactions with each other, and I want to teach her life skills that will lead to a productive and happy existence. Not a destructive one.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

C3156 said:


> Yes, a divorce can be 'amicable' if BOTH parties are willing and able to table their emotions to go through the process.
> 
> My ex and I made it through and still remain on friendly terms. Not nearly what some of these others do, I did lay down some boundaries. It was hard based on the circumstances of our divorce to choke down some of the emotions, but I think in the long run it was certainly better for our children.
> 
> ...


As much/often as I vent about what a POS my STBXH is for having an affair and blowing up my and my son's lives here (or perhaps maybe because I do), so far, we are managing to have an amicable separation/divorce.

C3156, your first sentence is key. This is why we've been successful so far in this - because we (mostly I - he has never been an emotional person) table our emotions while going through this process. Also, he is giving me significantly more than the 50% he's required to of all of his retirement funds and other marital assets, against his own lawyer's advice.

We are going to go sign the papers with a notary and file in the next 1 or 2 weeks, once I'm sure the QDRO for his pension that he earned entirely within our 25 year marriage, and that I requested be prepared BEFORE we file says what I think it needs to say. While this thought still makes me sad, because he's leaving me for another woman, and this is not at all what I wanted, I understand it has to be this way and there is nothing I can do to change it. I'm trying now to focus on making this as painless (minimally painful) and graceful as possible for our 13-year-old son. Like "Just Let Them Go" says, doing anything else would just be prolonging a miserable, drama-filled process.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* Somehow, I'm just having an awful lot of trouble merging the terms "cheating" and "deception" right up there alongside that of "amicable!"

Just saying!*


----------



## Amorous (May 14, 2015)

Thank you for sharing, it gives me hope to know that it is possible to move on without the drama. Hubby is a great father and I like to think he would not cheat on me, with that in mind, if we can't fix things this is the kind of divorce I would aim for. I have no interest in ruining him financially or remove him from our baby's life.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think an amicable divorce is possible if you both try to follow a few guidelines:

1), It doesn't matter at all whose fault things are. You agree that you are not compatible, but no no one is to blame, no matter what turns up. Even if you learn one of you cheated - no blame - you are planning to separate so it simply doesn't matter.

2). Try to find a fair split for assets. Both remember that if you fight, the lawyers will get more and you both will get less. Each should accept that things may seem slightly unfair from your end, but that it is better that way. Basically expect to get 1/3 and be happy if you get more. 

3). You both love your child so you will continue to share responsibility.


----------

