# i dont know if im over-reacting pls help



## faithfulwife85 (Jul 4, 2011)

I am new to this forum. I decided coming here will be beneficial for me so i can get this out and vent... I need your help people because, i feel like i might be over-reacting. I just need a second opinion. I appreciate it much!

ok here it goes;

this morning i found my husband in the bathroom masturbating to pictures of my bisexual friend on his blackberry. (she posts very provacative and many sexy photos of herself) As soon i walked up to him and caught him. He seemed to be caught very off guard and jumped and felt like he was doing some thing "wrong" and placed the phone behind his back. I asked him what he was hiding and whats going on?... he said he was masturbating to my friend and her gay friends. 

my h and I watch porn frequently together. We also have a very open relationship. I just dont know why he would be looking at my friend and friend's friend. 

i feel hurt by this because, i feel like why would he masturbate to other women that he knows ...nevertheless my friends too! i feel very confused and hurt by this. I do trust him and i dont think he would ever contact one of my friends and flirt with them but, to think about it now... i never thought he would be masturbating to my friends sexy photo's. and... I feel like a resent him for this and it hurt my feelings very much so 
I dont even want to look at him or speak to him.

Im just so confused. I feel this marriage is kind of turning and evolving into something i really do not like.

so my question is..
Do you think its wrong for me to feel this way?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi faithfulwife ~

I do not think that it is wrong for you to feel like this. If I were in your position, I would feel the same way.

Let me ask you this - Is this lady sending racy pics of herself and others to your husband, or is he simply downloading them?

Have you let your husband know how you feel about this? Would you be willing to participate with him (without the racy pictures of others) when he feels a need to masturbate?


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## faithfulwife85 (Jul 4, 2011)

hello,
thank you for your response. No she is not sending racy photo's to him but she has modeling pictures of herself with barely anything on posted on her facebook page; like a cowboy hat to cover her privates and her arms like to cover her nipples. In order for him to see her photo's he needs to go through my friend list on facebook and find her.

Yes i do participate with him when he wants to masturbate by watch pornographic material such as movies, online sites, and etc... So its not like im not fullfilling his needs as a wife. but, i think him looking at my friends photo's and her friends bikini photo's and masterbating to them..hurts me very much so...

i have told him that i thought it was wrong and he shouldnt be doing that because those are my friends and i felt like he crossed the line. he continues to tell me that its not a big deal and its not like he is contacting them for friendship, sex or anything in that matter.

it makes me think men r all pigs. i do not masturbate to his friends photo's or get myself "off" by thinking about his friends in that matter. he seems to not understand that i think this is wrong and he apologized but still doesnt see where im coming from. I have approached him on this matter calmly to him but i guess he will never seem to understand..:scratchhead:


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## mayatatia (Jul 3, 2011)

I do have mixed feelings about your situation.... we all have fantasies and as long as they remain in our thoughts... then its ok. The fact that it is your friend, may be weird, but since she didn't send him the pics herself, it may be ok. Many men love fantasizing about bisexual women, and knowing one in person (especially sexy like her) makes the fantasy more powerful. The question is, would he act upon it if given the chance? If it bothers you, then he needs to stop. Perhaps he can catch you masturbating to a pic of his friend.... would that make him understand your feelings? Just a thought.


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

Um, yeah. Jerking it to a friend's pics is waaaay off limits. Way. 
He knows it is too, he's just trying to play it off.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

It is the forbidden fruit. He knows it is wrong, but that is what makes it so exhilarating.

BUT, one question for you.... you have said you participate in his masturbation to porn, AND he is found masturbating to your friend's pics..... Are you satisfying him sexually, or is he constantly looking for ways to get himself off because you don't fill that role in the relationship?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

It doesn't matter what you are or are not doing for him sexually this is beyond wrong. I really don't think I could forgive it, it would feel like cheating to me and such a betrayal. 

I also believe porn can be harmful to relationships. I think many women feel that they are helping the relationship by watching it with their spouse and allowing it in, however porn does teach men to objectify women and see them as mere objects for their gratification instead of people. It also creates unrealistic expectations and studies show men who watch a lot of porn are far less satisfied with sex with their partners. It does nothing for the bonding between two people. Instead it adds a 3rd part etc.

The reason I say that about porn is because your husband obviously feels he is entitled to use women for his gratification despite the fact that it is one of your close friends and so hurtful to you. 

I would ask him to never do anything like that again, forgo the porn and work on your attraction to each other, indulge in fantasies you can full fill for each other and leave the third parties out of it.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Syrum said:


> It doesn't matter what you are or are not doing for him sexually this is beyond wrong. I really don't think I could forgive it, it would feel like cheating to me and such a betrayal.
> 
> I also believe porn can be harmful to relationships. I think many women feel that they are helping the relationship by watching it with their spouse and allowing it in, however porn does teach men to objectify women and see them as mere objects for their gratification instead of people. It also creates unrealistic expectations and studies show men who watch a lot of porn are far less satisfied with sex with their partners. It does nothing for the bonding between two people. Instead it adds a 3rd part etc.
> 
> ...


Sooooooooooooo............... you think that it does not matter what gratification the man gets at home, he should not be tempted, let alone self pleasure using ANY outside influence to help him out? Yet in another post you declare that women can use vibrators freely. I don't disagree with your second point, but the first is kinda counter-intuitive when you consider that men are VISUALLY turned on.

If a man's needs are not being met by his woman, and he is taking care of his own, without stepping out on his wife then there is no REAL problem, other than the fact that the woman is not willing to meet his needs.... as is also true if the situation is reversed.

Oh, and your stat on men and porn is lacking, as it does not take into consideration that men with a penchant for porn have a pre-existing bent on their sexual views or needs. Not to say these guys are wrong or a menace to society, just that they have a different set of pleasure responses to what is considered "normal"


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> Sooooooooooooo............... you think that it does not matter what gratification the man gets at home, he should not be tempted, let alone self pleasure using ANY outside influence to help him out? Yet in another post you declare that women can use vibrators freely. I don't disagree with your second point, but the first is kinda counter-intuitive when you consider that men are VISUALLY turned on.
> 
> If a man's needs are not being met by his woman, and he is taking care of his own, without stepping out on his wife then there is no REAL problem, other than the fact that the woman is not willing to meet his needs.... as is also true if the situation is reversed.


I think any one who is not satisfied at home will be tempted. but are their expectations realistic? Everyone assumes that shes not being sexual enough, when in fact many men and women do this kind of thing simply because they are selfish. They also have a choice in their behaviour.

A vibrator is not another person, comparing women to vibrators is just a bit off to me, and shows just how much we value women, when they can be used just like a sex toy and viewed as comparable. 

Many women also never orgasm and a female orgasm is much harder to obtain then a male one, and often outside stimulation is needed. Most women don't get a model of their husbands best friends penis and imagine having sex with him while masturbating.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

No, but Mills and Boon have a multi-billion dollar industry supplying women with their own version of porn that men will never live up to.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> No, but Mills and Boon have a multi-billion dollar industry supplying women with their own version of porn that men will never live up to.


I hate Mills and Boon.
Mills and Boon, no real men used there either.

Oh and I don't think it's healthy to have unrealistic fantasies that your partner can't reasonably full fill. They do nothing for bringing couples closer.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

You may hate it, but it is there. It is porn for the feminine psyche, just as there is porn for the male visual. 

Some couples enjoy porn inspired sex, it broadens sexual horizons. 20 years ago, a bj was taboo and rare, nowadays commonplace thanks to porn...... what has mills and boon done for sex lives anywhere?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> You may hate it, but it is there. It is porn for the feminine psyche, just as there is porn for the male visual.
> 
> Some couples enjoy porn inspired sex, it broadens sexual horizons. 20 years ago, a bj was taboo and rare, nowadays commonplace thanks to porn...... what has mills and boon done for sex lives anywhere?


Most women I know do not read mills and Boon. Moreover and again no real men are used. it's not comparable.

Saying that because men are visual that it gives them the right to use women visually for their sexual satisfaction, no matter who it hurts, instead of valuing women as people just stinks to me.

And if men are taking their sex ques out of porn then they should really be rethinking. It sure does broaden the horizens into ever more violent and degrading sex against women. The pornification of women is not a good thing. I am just sad that men think it's their right to use women in this fashion.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

So the ever popular girl on girl is all about males being violent and degrading women? Christ on a stick, check out Belladonna in any of her MANY scenes. She is the aggressor, with girls or guys. 

But the real argument is about what we use for enhancing self stimulation. Women create unreal expectations of men in their own fantasy worlds... men CAN live up to them IF they chose to, just as women CAN live up to what happens on screen. Most men don't ask their partners to go that far. All of us have our kinks and bents, and if it takes a video to show it to us then so be it. Some guys are into Anime, no real women there, but they are seen as sick and twisted individuals because they wanna watch a ten tentacled alien banging digi-women in every virtual orifice. 

Give it a rest, to each their own on this one. Women masturbate to scented candles and thoughts of men washing up, men jerk it to images of women who they would like to be having sex with. big deal.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Just wondering... What's the difference between your husband using his imagination and mental images of your friend and her partners vs actual pictures? And I'm asking this seriously, not to be a jerk.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

To follow on PBear's comment. You mention that you and he watch porn together (and you seem ok with that). Is the issue here that he was looking at your friend? Would you react differently if he was looking at some other women? And I can see that it being your friend would be creepy for you, but curious if this is the main issue. 

And, for the record, men might masturbate even if they're getting enough from their woman. (but certainly more if they're not getting it) And men look at porn because we're visual that way.


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## e.p. (Jun 10, 2011)

faithfulwife85 said:


> my h and I watch porn frequently together. We also have a very open relationship. I just dont know
> 
> Normally I'd come down on the husband (in my relationship as a husband I would not beat off to physical pictures of my wifes' friends) however you state you watch porn with him and have an "open" relationship. How open is it? How far do you go? It might just fall in line with his expectations of opennness...
> 
> -e.p.


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## ann perry (Jul 6, 2011)

what about you . look deap inside and be true to you, how do you realy feel about what is going on ,if you dont express how you feel now it will only fester and get worse , speak up love cos you dont have to put up with something you are not comfee with cos it wont get 
better only worse


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## faithfulwife85 (Jul 4, 2011)

Thank you all for your responses. It means a lot to me because, I honestly felt like I was crazy for even feeling some sort of resentment for his poor action. After having a long conversation with my husband, he came into terms and felt horrible that he hurt my feelings. He promises not to browse my friends pictures and masturbate to them. I believe fantasizing is normal but, witnessing him masturbating to her completely hurt my feelings. He even agreed he wouldn't want me doing that to his friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## faithfulwife85 (Jul 4, 2011)

ann perry said:


> what about you . look deap inside and be true to you, how do you realy feel about what is going on ,if you dont express how you feel now it will only fester and get worse , speak up love cos you dont have to put up with something you are not comfee with cos it wont get
> better only worse


I agree!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I do think you have a right to be upset about your husband seeking out pics of your friend and getting off to them. I think it feels threatening because you know her.

However, you have been watching porn with him and feel it's okay for him to get off in this way (watching other women online), so maybe he feels like this is an extension of this activity.

To be honest, I am not opposed to porn but i also think it can lead you down a path you may not like. I think porn can make real-life sex with your spouse seem boring and it takes away the focus of your partner turning you on. So you start to rely on porno to get you both aroused, not each other. I think it is all how it's used, I guess.

Also regarding the porn posts - Since when are spouses expected to meet 100% of their partner's sexual needs? No one person can EVER meet 100% of their partners needs in the bedroom on in the relationship. And I don't agree that anyone gets a free pass on bad behavior if those "needs" are not fully met. It's important to talk about perceived needs not being met with your spouse, to assess if those needs are reasonable or not, and finding middle ground if it's possible. 

Sheesh, if every marriage was only about fulfilling 100% of your husband's or wife's fantasies, we'd be a sorry society. There is a heck of a lot more to life than getting off in the most fantastical way.


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## fumbling (Sep 7, 2010)

I was browsing and could not help wondering. This is Ladies Lounge is Mephisto a man?


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## momof2bellas (Jun 27, 2011)

There are a lot of men in the ladies lounge


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