# For those who have successfully reconciled...what was the trigger?



## Whatsright86

Hi all

I'm going through the divorce papers with my STBXW and have been having close to no contact with her other than signing the papers.

We had our arguments when we lived together. To keep it short, she expressed how I wasn't her ideal man in certain aspects, though most people would agree that I'm a pretty decent guy already.

Anyhow, after a period of minimal contact of about 3 months, she's showing signs of changing her attitude and expectations of me. This makes her quite pleasant to be with. The issue is that I'm not sure if this is permanent and if it's enough to pull us back to reconcile together for good.

Can anyone share a bit on their reconciliation experiences? Was there any telltale sign that just told you "ok this marriage is still worth saving"?


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## Ynot

I will probably get slammed for this, but my advice is to not pay attention to how she is acting now. The course has been set - you are divorcing and haven't spoken much in months. Her "pleasantness" may just be a result of her decompressing from whatever stress she had been feeling and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Do not mistake that as an opening. Also, you haven't really said what if anything would be different this time around, that any reconciliation would be worth attempting. Have you worked on your self? Have any of the issues that caused the divorce been resolved? So, dude, just let her go. There are millions of better options out there for you


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## Betrayedone

I agree with the above......She has shown her true colors. Loyalty is key to me in a relationship. Once you have shown me you don't have faith in me you are dead to me. Don't believe what you think you are seeing as lasting.


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## jinkazama

For Me the WW was a trigger.

So i refused to eat the **** sandwich and divorced her.

she also wanted divorce but at the time of separation when she found out that OM is also seeing another woman

she tried to come back to me.

she still wants me.

Hell no i will never take her back.


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## msrv23

Whatsright86 said:


> We had our arguments when we lived together. To keep it short, she expressed how I wasn't her ideal man in certain aspects, though most people would agree that I'm a pretty decent guy already.


Did you talk about this and is it solved? This sounds like she might not have expressed her needs efficiently and that you might have dismissed its importance because you think that you are a fine man already. You might perceive yourself to be a fine man, you might even be one. This doesn’t mean you are satisfying her needs that drove her away, yet dismissing when she raised the issue is a sure way to make things worse.
As for others, well they are not married to you and dealt with you as your wife did so their opinion is just a superficial perception.

If you haven’t solved it then chances are things will repeat again.


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## ConanHub

Whatsright86 said:


> Hi all
> 
> I'm going through the divorce papers with my STBXW and have been having close to no contact with her other than signing the papers.
> 
> We had our arguments when we lived together. To keep it short, she expressed how I wasn't her ideal man in certain aspects, though most people would agree that I'm a pretty decent guy already.
> 
> Anyhow, after a period of minimal contact of about 3 months, she's showing signs of changing her attitude and expectations of me. This makes her quite pleasant to be with. The issue is that I'm not sure if this is permanent and if it's enough to pull us back to reconcile together for good.
> 
> Can anyone share a bit on their reconciliation experiences? Was there any telltale sign that just told you "ok this marriage is still worth saving"?


Need more information unless we need to research if you have other threads.


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## Lostinthought61

It could that she is coming off from a relationship, and realizing your were a better husband than she thought....still I would move on.


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## Whatsright86

Thanks for everyone's replies.

My original thread is below:
talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/385625-separate-stay.html#post18087385

We had several talks and one of the things I asked her was "ok, IF we were to stay together, what things do we need to change?". In the end she listed out several things she had to change from her side. I asked her "ok then what do I need to change", and she replied "you've done all you can". An example would be how she used to say she wants a taller husband. Obviously I won't grow any taller so it's something she needs to accept if we are together (not much I can do).

Now I'm definitely not saying I'm a perfect man (if I was, we wouldn't be at this stage probably). My point is that I'm not sure what else I can do. She's expressed that she now understands better that she needs to change and needs time. She has never shown this type of humility before. In the past she would just complain about my shortfalls and put all the blame on me.

Now I'm planning to keep the option open but still proceed with the divorce papers, as that will take quite a few months to process.


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## MattMatt

Whatsright86 said:


> Thanks for everyone's replies.
> 
> My original thread is below:
> talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/385625-separate-stay.html#post18087385
> 
> We had several talks and one of the things I asked her was "ok, IF we were to stay together, what things do we need to change?". In the end she listed out several things she had to change from her side. I asked her "ok then what do I need to change", and she replied "you've done all you can". An example would be how she used to say she wants a taller husband. Obviously I won't grow any taller so it's something she needs to accept if we are together (not much I can do).
> 
> Now I'm definitely not saying I'm a perfect man (if I was, we wouldn't be at this stage probably). My point is that I'm not sure what else I can do. She's expressed that she now understands better that she needs to change and needs time. She has never shown this type of humility before. In the past she would just complain about my shortfalls and put all the blame on me.
> 
> Now I'm planning to keep the option open but still proceed with the divorce papers, as that will take quite a few months to process.


Remarriage is also an option.


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## Bonkers

There were a few breakups, separations, and reconciliations before we divorced for good.

As I like to put it, which is not too often nowadays, she started it, and I finished it. The decision to divorce was mostly mutual although she filed first, I would have been content to continue to live together and keep arguing and experiencing high anxiety for months to years, it just became my new "normal". I was largely living my own life anyway. But she had enough, she filed, things got legally messy very quickly but then a few months in she became remorseful for all of the things she "did wrong" (no infidelity on either part) wrote me long letters of apology, told me how great I was and how she failed to realize it until it was too late. She fired her attorneys and canceled the divorce action and I got a copy of it.

But I was done at that point, and I filed for divorce since she had withdrawn hers. 

So.. if you get something like that from your wife, you could be onto something in terms of her wish to reconcile.

Until and unless that happens, I wouldn't assume anything has changed.


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## NickyT

It is too soon to tell if she is really changing or if this is what the other answers described. 

It takes time to build up trust again, and once you are out of the difficulty of the separation, you do begin to remember why you married the person in the first place. Nostalgia kicks in. Nostalgia is no reason to reconcile. It could also be that there was someone else, and that relationship did not work out. She could be realizing that you are not so bad after all. If that is the case, she is going to have to stay the course.

I suggest you sit tight. If she truly wants you back, she will still be around in a year. Don't spend time with her for now. Don't "date". I suggest you continue on as you are. Sometimes a person needs to be in the belly of the beast for a while to appreciate what they have.


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## WilliamM

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