# Confused



## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

I'm confused with our situation now. 

To make the long story short:
My H has EA. They usually contact through chatting, phone, sms etc. I found out and he denied. He denied me the password of his email when i asked and now he has locked his phone with password too. It means he still has something to hide. However he has told his mom that he did not do anything with the girl. He even let his mom read some of the messages that the girl send about loving him and all that. Even with that, his mom say there's nothing concrete. He still stay at home everyday. She ask me to be patient. 

He insist that the problem is within us, has nothing to do with anybody else. However he still maintain contact with the girl. Two weeks ago, at one evening I really cannot stand it and I ask him outright, he's still talking to the girl on the phone just now? Yes. I ask him when is he moving out of the house to be with that girl. Fine, I'll move next week. We'll get the divorce done too. That night I went to my friend. The first friend that I talked to and overnight in her house. The whole night I cannot sleep. I didn't tell him or his mom where i went. Maybe i was hoping that they would have cared to call. Next day I went home, lost as to what to do. Few days later I found out from his mom that he actually cared and ask her about my whereabouts that night. One week has passed and he's still around. 

Sometime ago I try to move to other room to sleep but he insist that we still sleep in the same room. He's always saying why I have to do so many things to force him out of the house and getting a divorce? 

I know he still cares for me, he still tell me things from work (short report), still cook dinner for me (once). But why he still keep contact with the girl? He say he's giving me time to see if I have changed for the better but it's killing me. Its hard to act like I don't care and continue life like normal. When I'm having sleepless night, he say I think too much. He on the other hand, sleeps away snoring like nothing happens. 

His mom and my friend has suggested that we spend time apart to get away from the tense moments. I have started night tuition class so I don't have to see him every night on weekdays and only go home to sleep. Weekends so far he's working or spend time in the study. 

My questions is why is he sending all this mixed signal to me? I myself also giving out mixed signal. What am I to do?


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Plan A. You have been reading and posting for sometime now. You are stilll love busting. He wants you. You have to stay positive. The affair must burn out. He seems very controlling. It will be very difficult to move forward. Maybe Affairecare or others could step in with a more thorough analysis.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I know he still cares for me, he still tell me things from work (short report), still cook dinner for me (once). But why he still keep contact with the girl? He say he's giving me time to see if I have changed for the better but it's killing me.


Lots of things to think about here!

1) He is still in contact with the Other Woman. That means he is _still having an emotional affair_ regardless of what he says. In fact, it doesn't matter what he says, as long as he is in contact with that woman, he is not treating you with the respect nor the honor that you deserve. 

2) As long as that affair continues, there can be NO positive work done on your marriage. 

3) He is making the affair your fault. That is preposterous and ridiculous. And until you start to think that it is preposterous, ridiculous, and deceitful, you will simply be allowing him to continue his affair.

4) He says he is waiting for you to 'get better'...... How about you? Are you waiting for him to get better? You are not having an affair, _he is!_ The real change that needs to happen in your marriage is for _him_ to get better! 

I suggest that you study the idea of boundaries - put a LOT of effort into learning what they are. Boundaries are not limits you place on someone else. They are not rules you dictate to someone. They are fences you place around yourself to protect yourself. They are limits to the things you will allow to reach you.

One boundary I suggest is that you refuse to allow people who do not respect you to dictate how you behave. Let them talk all they want - they are certainly free to do so - but YOU continue on doing what is right.



> Its hard to act like I don't care and continue life like normal. When I'm having sleepless night, he say I think too much. He on the other hand, sleeps away snoring like nothing happens.


You do not have to act like you don't care that he has another woman on the side. Whoever made that rule for you needs to be banished form humanity. Maybe they can move to Mars. You are _his wife!_ You are NOT a servant, you are NOT a hired maid. You are _married_ to this guy, and he treats you like he would any employee. 

I would be very clear to him that you love him and want your marriage to work, and you are willing to work on it _with him_ - but you will not share him with other women. Tell him very clearly that if he wants that sort of lifestyle then he needs to find a new relationship.

So NOT continue life like it is normal! It is NOT normal! If you pretend things aren't happening, then you are living a lie, and joining in with your husband in his infidelity. 

You've been on this forum enough by now to have heard of what we call 'the fog' (or, Disloyal Dizziness.) Your husband is deep in this fog. When he talks to you about the Other Woman, or about your marriage, it is a twisted and darkened form of reality - it has hints of what is true, but it is so distorted that if you were to look at his statements in a normal setting he would seem insane (so would you for accepting them!)

He tells you (after a sleepless night) that you are thinking too much. Well no kidding! The man you married is cheating on you! ANY normal functioning human being would be doing the same thing.

He can sleep well at night for several reasons - not the least of which is the fact that he is getting his cake - and gets to eat it too! He has a wife who does whatever he tells her to do, and lets him do whatever he wants - and another woman on the side in case the wife bothers him too much. 

There must come a time (in the near future) when he will HAVE to make a choice: you or her. 



> Sometime ago I try to move to other room to sleep but he insist that we still sleep in the same room. He's always saying why I have to do so many things to force him out of the house and getting a divorce?


Ask _him_ why _he_ is doing so many things that are destroying a marriage. Ask him why he is choosing divorce over faithfulness. And DO NOT pay any attention to his threats, nor his excuses, nor his blame. _HE_ is the one doing the damage, not you. _HIS_ choice to be unfaithful to the woman to whom he gave his vows is what is destroying the marriage.

He is trying to use the threat of divorcing you to shut you up and make you give in and allow his affair to continue. And you are falling for it! And here is the sad part: in the end, if the affair continues - or if other affairs happen, the marriage will end - that is an absolute certainty. And he will joyfully be blaming you for being such a horrible person who wouldn't let him have any fun.

That is why I say that unless you both work on the marriage it will fail. You cannot fix it. What you CAN do, however, is become a woman that is worth being married to. One that a husband respects and honors. Hopefully it will be your current husband who sees this in you and wants to change to stay with you. But even if it is not, YOU will still be that woman. 

Up to now, you have been giving your husband a wife that he does not respect, that he barely tolerates, and can walk all over. 

Time to change that.

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Now playing: Doobie Brothers - You're Made That Way
via FoxyTunes


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

Tanelornpete said:


> I would be very clear to him that you love him and want your marriage to work, and you are willing to work on it _with him_ - but you will not share him with other women. Tell him very clearly that if he wants that sort of lifestyle then he needs to find a new relationship.


Like you said, we can only tell him about it. We cannot force him to do it our way. The decision is still his to make. And he's delaying/avoiding the subject/make the decision. Other than wait, what else can I do? Approach the subject everyday will turn to nagging and it's not helping either.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Like you said, we can only tell him about it. We cannot force him to do it our way. The decision is still his to make. And he's delaying/avoiding the subject/make the decision. Other than wait, what else can I do? Approach the subject everyday will turn to nagging and it's not helping either.





> Like you said, we can only tell him about it. We cannot force him to do it our way. The decision is still his to make.


You are right, you can only 'tell' him about it. But there is a lot here that you can do. When you keep in mind that he is free to choose what he wants, also keep in mind that YOU are not required to accept his decision. 

For example: suppose he decides to move the other woman in with you. Are you then required to put up with that, because he is free to make that decision? _Of course not!_ Your response to that decision may be to move out.

In other words, while HE is free to make decisions, so are you. You are not required to give in to everything he demands - in fact, it is my guess that this behavior is a huge love buster for him: he shows a lack of respect for you that is almost hatred. My guess is that he thinks you are such a doormat that it isn't worth his time to be nice to you.



> And he's delaying/avoiding the subject/make the decision.


What, specifically, is the subject he is avoiding? What decision is he not making?



> er than wait, what else can I do? Approach the subject everyday will turn to nagging and it's not helping either.


That's a pretty good definition of nagging - but there is a very good way to bring up the subject, a way of keeping it always on his mind that is NOT nagging. I'd first like to know what your actual request is.

What do you do besides wait? There's where you are stuck right now, and why he is running all over you. Your job is to move on - not out of the marriage - but forward as a woman. Move past him, leave him in the dust. Learn ALL about yourself, work hard at new ways to communicate, improve all your skills, learn new hobbies. Find some good friends and do things with them

Stay away from members of the opposite sex, however: show the world that you, unlike your husband, honor and respect marriage. 

Find out specifically what your love busters and love extinguishers are - and stop doing them. Try to figure out what his emotional needs are - the things that kindle the fires of love in him - and do them whenever you can.

NEVER appear needy. If you need to cry, or vent - do it here, or with friends. Let him only see you as calm and happy. 

And get back to me with that list of what you want from him - we'll help you work on some ways to make that a preference for him.

Stay the course - there is hope!


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

i just want him to be the old him. Intimacy and honesty. I want him to stop ea and to work on our relationship. He is all clamped up now. Resentment and anger is high.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

he has indicated that he regreted marrying me. There are ups and downs. During good days he can talk about anything except us. On bad days, he just avoid being around me and talking to me. I have a hard time sleeping at night. I have requested he sleep some where else last night but this is not helping either. Without him i still can't get good sleep either. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

now i feel bad that he has to sleep in the other room. He make me feels like i kick him out. No talking for few days already.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Thanks for your replies, Bellz - - - 



> i just want him to be the old him. Intimacy and honesty. I want him to stop ea and to work on our relationship. He is all clamped up now. Resentment and anger is high.


By 'the old him' I take it you mean the guy you fell in love with. Unfortunately, that guy has changed - what you might want to be looking for now is a new guy - one that is honorable. That old guy had some problems - for example, he did not let communicate with you enough to ensure an affair free marriage. The guy you want is one who will work on this with you. 

You are quite right - he needs to stop the affair. In fact - that must happen BEFORE any work can be done on your marriage. That means that your job right now (if you want your marriage to recover and grow better) is to work toward ending that affair. All of the things you want for your marriage can only happen AFTER the affair ends. So, for now, don't get caught up un what 'should be' and instead focus in what 'must be done.' Your job right now is to begin making that affair seem like a worse and worse idea.




> he has indicated that he regreted marrying me. There are ups and downs. During good days he can talk about anything except us. On bad days, he just avoid being around me and talking to me. I have a hard time sleeping at night. I have requested he sleep some where else last night but this is not helping either. Without him i still can't get good sleep either.


Right now, he is having an affair. You've probably read about how the Disloyal Spouse revises reality to make the affair seem the best option if you've spent much time on this forum. FOr you, this means that you don't take much of what he says seriously. Even if he leaves the marriage, his claims don't create reality. In reality, HE is doing wrong, and attempting to make it all your fault.

Don't fall for that. Stop falling for that. Let him SAY it all he wants. All that really turns out to be is a lot of noises his mouth is making. 

This is a game you two have made up: he accuses you of something in order to get his way, you decide to feel guilty and let him do what he wants. It's a game you need to step out of. Only feel guilty for what you have REALLY done, and then, only feel guilty until you make it right. 

Are YOU having an affair? If not, why are you the one feeling guilty? As long as you continue to play this game, he will conmtinue to do whatever he wants, regardless of honor, commitment, love or honesty. You are helping him do this.

As for sleeping alone and feeling uncomfortable: you will get used to it. Give it some time...



> now i feel bad that he has to sleep in the other room. He make me feels like i kick him out. No talking for few days already.


ANd when he quits his affair, you can welcome him back. It is that simple. You DID kick him out - and that was not wrong. As long as he is chasing after another woman, you are his SECOND choice. Why should a man's wife EVER be SECOND CHOICE? It is not right! You are either his first choice, or he does not get you. Clear and simple. Stand by that statement, and let him know it. 

Tell him you will no longer be second or third or any other choice but number one. No matter what he says, you know in your heart that as his wife, THAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. He'll just have to get used to it.


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

Been sleeping alone for almost a week. Has stopped caring for what he does everyday as I go back home late. It feels better when there's no expectation. He's home every night but what he does in his study or his room nobody knows. He also rarely spend time with his mother. Does not know if he has ended his EA or not. Been to family dinner last sunday. He likes family dinner, quite happy the whole night. When reach home he told me, don't be so happy, things between us is still not settled. It seems like the only place we were able to talk together (last time and now) is in the car and also in the bed, in the dark (last time). Both the places are places where we cannot see each other's eyes when having conversation. It seems like we have not made eye contact for very long time.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> When reach home he told me, don't be so happy, things between us is still not settled.


Is this something he told you directly? This is not an honorable way for a husband to talk to his wife - it takes the tact of being between an owner and a slave. 

I'd be as happy as you want to be. Find ways to be happy. Do things you love. Ignore his ordering you to stop being happy. It doesn't work anyway - happiness is a decision you make - and an emotion you experience. My suggestion is - let him worry about why you are happy. 

As for the eye contact - you make it. You do it. Pay no attention to him not making it. That is an avoidance behavior - if he cannot look you in the eyes, it's because he is too cowardly to do so. It seems more and more that only strength he has is what you give him. Use your strength for yourself - you are already doing better than you were when you first came to this site! 

Look him in the eyes when you talk to him. Be happy. Be strong. Let him be a coward who cannot handle his obligations. Over time, it will become apparent who is weak and who is strong, who is doing the right thing and who is not.


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

found out that hubby and the girl share user name and password for email, facebook, bank accounts etc.. Seems like he's preparing his life outside to move on. When tell his mother, she just say it could be a misunderstanding. It seems like she's in denial too. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

how to make him talk about his feeling and the affair if he keep avoiding it. He say u can believe whatever u want to believe. Don't disturb me. Do u really want to force me out me the house? His mother advice be patient and wait till he speak up himself when the time comes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> found out that hubby and the girl share user name and password for email, facebook, bank accounts etc.. Seems like he's preparing his life outside to move on. When tell his mother, she just say it could be a misunderstanding. It seems like she's in denial too.


It does sound like she is 'in denial' - at least, she is hoping that things aren't what they seem. That is very common. As for him 'moving on' - do you know this other woman? 

This might be a very good time for you to send her a short note, introducing yourself, and letting her know you love your husband and intend to do all you can to save your marriage. Don't go into anything more than that - you are not looking for an argument. Just notify her - and then NEVER speak to her again. (I repeat that: don't get caught up in an email war, or listen to any excuses from her, or try to explain yourself. Simply ignore all other contact. This woman sleeps with married men. She is not worth your time.)



> how to make him talk about his feeling and the affair if he keep avoiding it.


You cannot make him do anything - he chooses to do it, or he chooses not to. You can only work on yourself. 



> He say u can believe whatever u want to believe. Don't disturb me. Do u really want to force me out me the house?


There may come a time in the very near future when 'forcing' him out of the house might be a good thing. He is using this threat as a means of controlling you - and you let it happen!

Like I wrote before - you GIVE him the strength he wants to stay in control - by giving in to him when he makes a threat like this. What boundaries have you set around yourself to protect you from mistreatment? 

Here is what I see happening: this man has very little, if any, respect for you. He views you as a nuisance. You bother him, you get in the way of him living the life he wants. He is not committed to you in any reasonable interpretation of the word - I'd say he is not committed to you at all. But he keeps you around for some reason. He wants you to stay quiet, out of the way, invisible. He wants you to be useful for him when he needs something, and to be gone the rest of the time. If you start to show up too much he says something that he knows will shut you down and close you back up in the little box he has made for you. 

And you give in - you shut up - I assume because of a couple of reasons: 1) this is what a 'wife' or 'female' is supposed to do (do you really think the Other Woman behaves this way?) and 2) Because you think that if you object to being mistreated he will leave you. 

Couple of things to think about: if the only kind of woman he wants is one that he can mistreat - do you really want that man? And, when you give in to any threat he throws your way, his view of your worth goes down bit more, every time. You are becoming, in his eyes, a weak, useless, pathetic creature that he has no desire to be around. 

In other words - your fear that he will leave you causes you to act in ways that guarantees he will leave you.

What do you suppose would happen if, when he makes this threat:

'Are you really trying to force me out of the house?' you said something like, 'At least then I would be living with someone worth being with..."



> His mother advice be patient and wait till he speak up himself when the time comes.


She is right - he will speak up when the time comes. The trick is to create a situation in which that time does arrive.


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

i guess there are a few reason he's still around. His mother does not believe in divorce and asked him not to divorce. She insist on staying. But she cannot believe his son is cheating also. She say the evidence is not strong enough. She keep saying i'm the one who is finding trouble with his son. 
Husband and mother live in my house. His brother and sister family come to our house for gathering every week. They can't move coz it will disrupt everyone's life. Some more mil is going to have operation next month. If i kick him out his mother has to go too. That's mean to his mother who does nothing wrong at all. She has been good to me all this while. _Posted via Mobile Device. _


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

Updates:

He's still around. 
I have sent a text to OW as you suggested. She told him and he in turn reacted to it in anger. I don't know if it does any good. Everytime in anger he will say that he does not want to be together with me anymore and going to move. I'm tired of hearing this already. 

We manage to have some time talk calmly about us. All he does is blame our bad relationship on me, which is expected. When I want to have my say, it was cut off again like everytime. One thing that he made very clear is he's staying. But he did not say anything about OW. One thing is very clear, resentment and anger is still there. 

One site suggest backing off and wait for problem in their relationship as "in love" phase will wear out and they cannot proceed with their life with me in it. The girl is still single so sooner or later, she will get rid of him. At the same time, i have to build up mentally and financially in case I'm kicking him out.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

First, does everyone important to him and you know about the affair. If not, tell them. This can be a difficult thing to do. The OM's family ought to know so that they OM will have to deal with the fact she is interfering with a marriage. At that point you have to wait. Go to my thread ot CMF's thread and read about Plan A at marriagebuilders.com. This will help you gain perspective.
In my situation, I am waiting for the megatives in their relationship to compound. It will likely be months before damage starts to show.


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

They all know but don't want to get their hands sticky on the situation. They all think i'm being paranoid since they don't see much changes on him. He doesn't go out. The relationship is long distance i believe. He'll be in front of the computer the whole night which is basically what he's doing before also. I'm the only one who can feel the changes. They all believe that all couple fight, sooner or later they will reconcile, no need to get all sticky and headache over those two. both of them are young and stubborn. 

He has this fantasy of ideal relationship, which he has since we were together long ago. We were in long distance relationship then. When we stay together, he can't live with the reality. We have conflict over that. He believes that in ideal relationship, everyone is nice to everyone else. People don't argue like in real life relationship of his brothers family and sisters family. If you want a good relationship, you must follow my idea of ideal relationship then everything will be good. His family all know about that and say that is who he is. 

All is about him, my opinion is never heard, no compromise on that. I heard him having conflict with the girl over that too. Nobody can live with that idea and she's losing on his love banks too. If it ends, i believe he will start another ea with someone else. the feeling of "in love" and "ideal relationship' is so important to him. Until one find day, he wakes up from his dream/fantasy and wiling to face a real world relationship, nobody can help him.


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

I feel so hurt. I don't know how to face him anymore. On good days, I feel that maybe I could forgive and make this work, but on bad days, I'm not sure anymore. By working on plan A, does it mean that I have to play along on his "ideal relationship/ideal wife" role? It is not something that I believe on and I have a hard time on that. I can only try the bit on the love busters. I know I have selfish demands, disrespectful judgement and angry outburst, which at times was very bad. It's hard to control my emotion sometimes.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Bellz: Plan A is to protect you. At this point you need to start looking after the YOU. Your H is not going to suddenly do a turn around. If he is on the system all night do things to protect yourself, go out - preferably with family or a close female friend, there must be no implication that you are disinterested in the marriage or that you have embarked on an affair yourself. Your well being is now your primary task; you need to be strong, mentally, emotionally and physically. 

Be patient and yes it is going to hurt you, you are human after all, but part of the process is for him to know he is hurting you and disrespecting you as his wife. He will snarl at you, be angry, ignore you and much more. 

You have said his family know, continue to spread the word, embarrass his mom by letting people she knows that he is having an affair, his mother should stop protecting him and downplaying what is happening – try gathering hard evidence 

If you can find the contact details of the OW’s Husband or family, place of work. Etc do so. And disclose the affair to them. . Do not worry about the impact on her when this happens; you need to keep her out of your husbands way. 

At the moment you are in limbo and need a concrete way forward

Get plan A into operation, be strong and stay on coarse. 

Do you have the details of Plan A ? or do you want someone to place them on this thread for you


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

Wisp: Roughly i have the idea. Mother in law is being mild with him. She knows that him contacting OW is making me unhappy. She told her son that if this contact is making your wife unhappy, reduce the contact of that sort. She did not say STOP CONTACT. She only say REDUCE CONTACT.


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

found out hubby is online dating with another girl (from another country) while at the same time still in contact with the first girl. This started after they have fight or he found something he doesn't like about the girl. Some behaviour that is against his "ideal relationship". Well, now the situation has changed, its not against one person anymore. It's against a few person now. It sure change the plan now. there's no point breaking him up with one girl and he easily can start another.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Sounds like he likes to live in a fantasy world. I know grown men 35-40 that spend 30-40hrs a week playing online video games. These guys are married, have kids, and work!! Yet they are just hooked in this 3rd party world of fantasy.

I can't say if your husband is going to "act" on any of this since all of it is long distance. He seems like a dreamer good luck this seems like a deep rooted personality issue to me.


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

yes, he's the type that spend hours on computer games. now this online dating takes over. When he was young, he worked few years in a cybercafe. That's when this habit starts. when he stopped working there it goes off. Until last year he installed broadband at home. 
we found each other online and was in long distance relationship then. I don't know whether he still continue his online dating while we were apart, but from what i heard from his mother, he's like this all this while. he's now only 29. In his fantasy, all his family members are there except me. and he's trying to find his "ideal partner". I have turned from his "ideal partner" when we were online dating to the "evil witch" in reality after married. 

Rather than an isolate affair, it has something to do with his believe system. do you think this is still workable?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

It is resolvable but you have to be strong, let his mother know once more that this behaviour is going to result in a separation. Her full support is required or she will be part of the consequences and subsequent embarrassment.

Read Plan A then start it - do you have a copy or need access to it?


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

thanks wisp. Maybe i need a long copy of it. Last week i was in an accident. Crashed the car. Nothing major but the car is in workshop. Now he need to send me to work everyday. We have more chance to talk and he seems nicer. He mentioned a few times the uncomfort of sleeping in the other room. First week he say he's comfortable there. Now he complaints hot, mosquito bites and rashes. He did not mention that he wants to come back to our room. And i don't think i should suggest that. He is still in contact with ow. He doesn't say that he's choose me. And keep saying he can't communicate with me. However, he shared some of his dreams or future plan with me. I wonder what is his future plan with ow. This week he say the company need to send him outstation. I don't know how much can i believe him. I know the last 2 times has been to meet the ow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Try

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice 

In the meantime I will see if I can find an extract


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> In the meantime I will see if I can find an extract


Working on that myself. There are good explanations in the books from Harley (Surviving An Affair for example)- but it's difficult to find a specific guide. In essence, Plan A is a temporary plan that you put in place in which you do all you can to stop ANYTHING that causes your spouse to lose love for you, and instead concentrate on doing everything you can to express love. You do thin by learning what behaviors your spouse sees as both damaging and helpful - and then avoiding the damaging and actively pursuing the positive. 

It is a _temporary_ phase (with regard to an affair) because while the affair lasts, your spouse will not be doing the same thing for you. Most likely, instead, he will be avoiding pretty much anything that assures you of love, and do everything he can to hurt you - intentionally or not. A human being cannot live under those conditions for long without losing all their love for their spouse.

For that reason, you must set a definite time frame: 3 months, 6 months, a year - depending on your patience and ability to take damage. At the end of that time, you reassess where your marriage is - and if necessary you move to Plan B, which is an entirely different approach. 

Note, however, that if things get too painful for you, it is also possible to move to Plan B before your time frame expires. The only request that we veterans would make of you is that you discuss moving to Plan B, and how to go about starting it, _before_ you do it.

Here is an article that contains a similar step: look at the 'Carrot & Stick' (step 5) phase of the seven steps. 

Basically, Plan A is a time when you offer yourself to your spouse as the Greatest Wife In The Universe. There are reasons: first, this is a way to create some new love in your spouse - he will recognize all you do for him - even if you don't admit it. Second, this will build up a strong knowledge in him of what he will be missing if he leaves you (also, this will be very apparent if you do move to Plan B) - all of the sudden, all of the support, the wood that was being thrown onto his love-fire will be gone, and he will (hopefully) recognize this and want to come back. 

Hope that helps some...

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Now playing: Sage Taylor - Fixture
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Who else knows what he's doing? Does his mother know that he now is courting two other women? Who else is in his life you can talk to?


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

the first girl found out about the second girl. They have a fight. He doesn't contact second girl anymore, i think. Since her mother is not supporting, there's no point. Some more she doesn't agree to me snooping his son. I'm not very close with his friends but guys will back up guys. I'm trying the plan a now. Like i posted earlier, he seems nicer this week but still distant. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

they are having fights over his controling behaviour on the girl. He wants to convert her to his ideal girlfriend. So i just let them fight it out. She is complaining about him in blog and relationship forum. She's fed up of him. I don't know if i'm bad for feeling happy that they fight or not. I feel like, haha.. You deserve it. You think i'm not good and you're so good. Now she's going to dump you too. I know i'm sarcastic. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

i know i should not concentrate on what's happening to them and concentrate on both of us.

People always advice me to talk it out with him. I don't know if we're able to do it. Last time we talk, he blame everything on me and say whatever i say is being manipulative and i am not sorry for my part of wrong doing. 

Another question, i want to ask him to come back to the room to sleep but don't know whether i should. Does that make me look desperate? Or should i wait for him to come begging to come back? High hope on that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

He is still having the affair, let hem stay outside your marital bed.

As for the girlfriends fighting I do not think he cares, he feels that woman are chasing and fighting over him so his ego is being massaged, makes him feel good. You asking him to come back to your room will reinforce that.


Post what you have done to date. There is a need to plan the next steps. 

Remember he is in la la land (FOG) at the moment.

He loves you not, and he needs to hit planet earth with a very hard bump.


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

since i found out i told my mom and mom. Our family knows. My close friend knows. His friends not yet. In current company i belief he put himself as single. He flirt with office girls also. His family see it as harmless flirting only coz he never stay overnight outside. I have a few emotional outburst with his friends so we're not that close. He prevent me from contacting his friends and colleague saying that what i have done previously is enough. Do i really want to make his friends doesn't want to mix with him anymore? He say he can't have a life like that. Now he doesn't let me hang out with his friends and doesn't want to join my friends. 

I have emotional outburst before and ask him to move out. He did not. Then i ask him to move out of our room. Now he's in the other room. 

His mother prepare everything for him, make his bed everyday, change bed sheet for him every week. Do the cooking and house keeping. The only thing i do wash clothes. He doesn't even need me. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

i don't know what else to plan except to wait it out for then to break. Hopefully soon. 

Oh and i got send a text to the girl telling who i am and intention to save the marriage. She tell him about it and he have a fight with me. That was last month. The whole thing has been over a few months still no changes. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

our relationship now is civil. He will tell me thing about his life. I will tell mine. No talking about the affair. He said once that if i don't go and disturb him, everything gonna be fine. He say he want to concentrate make money and don't want concentrate on relationship now. 
Oh no, i think i keep on repeating myself here. Same old story not going anywhere. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Stay strong girl.

Prepare for the worst. If it does not change you need to have a plan to look after YOU.

Some boys do not grow up especially if mommy is supporting them. –“His mother prepare everything for him, make his bed everyday, change bed sheet for him every week. Do the cooking and house keeping” – this can’t last forever she will get tired of this. 

At this stage it looks like he is not prepared to change to save his marriage.

In the mean time think of yourself.

Secure your finances and be ready to move to with your life. Keep your money in a separate account that he has no access to. 

Do a couple of things for yourself.

Take care of yourself. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Be strong and confident. Don't sit around waiting on your husband - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

Do not get emotional, keep control, be calm no matter how much it hurts or he is pushing you.

Plan your life without him, if he does not change then move on with your life and be happy without him. 

If he does change you have already shown some independence and can proved you can get on with your life without him, he will then need to accept that marriage is a relationship of two equals.


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

yes. After a few months of emotional turmoil, depression and sick, i'm sick of it already. Now i'm emotionally stronger and start to take care of myself. Our financial has always been separate. I don't have money to save. I pay for the house, bills insurance, my car, and a membership. Now i'm paying for things that last time he say he's going to pay for. I'm trying to sell the membership now. Don't know if possible.

His mom is having an operation end of this month so she's can't take care of him after that. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Bellz said:


> yes. After a few months of emotional turmoil, depression and sick, i'm sick of it already. Now i'm emotionally stronger and start to take care of myself. Our financial has always been separate. I don't have money to save. I pay for the house, bills insurance, my car, and a membership. Now i'm paying for things that last time he say he's going to pay for. I'm trying to sell the membership now. Don't know if possible.
> 
> His mom is having an operation end of this month so she's can't take care of him after that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like that might be a good time to put him out. Without your financial support and mom doing everything for him, a good wake up call from the real world might do him some good.

Q~


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

i don't know if i can really be able to do that. My car is at workshop for another month. He fetch me to and fro work everyday. 

I can't possibly ask his mom out also when she is going for operation. That's mean.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

last night he said he plan to fix the air con and curtain for his room. Seems like he has no intention of coming back to our room. It really hurts to hear that. I just keep quiet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

I couldn't help but notice you said earlier he is sharing his private information with this woman and then you said it was an online relationship. I think you should be a bit concerned with bank account information being shared with someone neither of you really know IMO
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

josh1081 said:


> I couldn't help but notice you said earlier he is sharing his private information with this woman and then you said it was an online relationship. I think you should be a bit concerned with bank account information being shared with someone neither of you really know IMO
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess they started online dating. Then they met. She's from other state. Not sure about physical part but definitely emotional. 

The account is his own account that doesn't have much money. Not mine. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

found out he discuss with another person (different girl) that he broke up with the girl. Apparently the girl go back to previous bf. He changed all his password already. No wonder he act funny recently. 

He created yet another facebook account. He is still in another world. Another personality. 

I don't know how to live with him anymore. He never told me they broke up. Never told me he want me back. Still avoiding me and say i disturb him. Even though i should feel better but i feel even more hurt. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I pay for the house, bills insurance, my car, and a membership. Now i'm paying for things that last time he say he's going to pay for. I'm trying to sell the membership now. Don't know if possible.





> last night he said he plan to fix the air con and curtain for his room. Seems like he has no intention of coming back to our room. It really hurts to hear that. I just keep quiet.


Just to make sure all I understand all the details here - you pay for the house, and he lives there for free. 

And when someone suggests you ask him to leave, you reply that you cannot because he gives you a ride to work. Not only that, but you feel that asking his mom to leave would be mean because she is having an operation.

May I point out that there is no suggestion that you throw out his mom. Let her stay, if you can care for her! She is not the cause of, nor the source of, the problem. 

Bellz, you are allowing your husband to have affairs. In fact, you are encouraging him to do so! I am not saying that in a mean way - what I am saying is that you make it so easy for him to do whatever he wants, that he simply does it with no second thoughts. 

You give him permission to pretend he is not married at work. You let him use his mother's illnesses, etc., as a way to extort you into silence. And you keep finding handy excuses for why you can't possibly do what may be necessary - if not to save your marriage, then at least to save your sanity.

The problem is that this is building up a huge amount of resentment in you that will not be easily overcome - even if he did suddenly want to try to work on your marriage. So please, make a decision very soon - do you want to save your marriage, or are you ready to end it. Either option is valid and acceptable. What you are doing right now is actually far worse. You are enabling your husband to harm you, himself, and the marriage - and you are letting your marriage crumble around you while discussing all the pain at the same time. 

Please become pro-active! We are here with you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree. Tell him that you will be packing his stuff and leaving it outside if he is not willing to commit to you and what you need.


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

i guess i really have to do that. The pain is so intense. Everyone tell me not to leave the house. If it's not my house, i would have move out long time ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Bellz said:


> i guess i really have to do that. The pain is so intense. Everyone tell me not to leave the house. If it's not my house, i would have move out long time ago.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's right! It's YOUR house, and there is no reason for you to leave it! Keep it - and let your husband know that when he decides to come back to the marriage, and his actions match his words, that he will be welcome back home.

I do want to point out something here: when you tell him that ('when he decides to come back to the marriage') - he will most likely simply say he has no plans to come back. Ignore that COMPLETELY. All you have to do is _make the statement_ - and leave it at that. You aren't trying to win any arguments, or persuade him of anything. You are protecting everything that is yours.

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Now playing: Alan Jackson - Good Time
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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

if he go, i go. I don't have car so have to stay with someone who will fetch me to work. Most probably colleague. That's why i prefer wait till i got my car back.

I don't know about the rest of them. Maybe they'll not stay. It looks pretty final to me. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Take each step purposefully, do not compromise yourself, when you know you are able to travel without relying on him, take the next step. 

Plan it out and keep on course..

Best wishes,


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

I don't see any other choice other than having him leave. He is moving on to another relationship. He is a serial cheater. You will be in less pain if he leaves. This has to take e toll on you. Is there a lease on the property? Whose name is on it? When does it expire.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, 
I agree you must ask him to leave, the mother can stay for now and you can get another ride to work. 
You didn't get married so your husband could continue to be single and have other relationships.
That is not respectful of you and this is not a man you need in your life....
Tell him this is not acceptable and he will need to leave, pack his things and tell him to find some place else to live.....
Then you get on with your life, show him that you deserve better than what he is willing to give you......
This man knows he can get away with this behavior and doesn't care how you feel......You must see this.....
Get out of this mess and move on to a better life......
good luck


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Are you able to drive if you had a car?


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

This morning we overheard someone talking over breakfast. His mom then repeat "As long as the man is good or treat you good, poor also never mind". How sarcastic is that?

Ya. I can drive. Found out he's back with the girl.

I wonder am I really ready to throw him out? Is he really a serial cheater? How do we know?


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> I don't see any other choice other than having him leave. He is moving on to another relationship. He is a serial cheater. You will be in less pain if he leaves. This has to take e toll on you. Is there a lease on the property? Whose name is on it? When does it expire.


The house is under my name. I'm paying for it.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I wonder am I really ready to throw him out? Is he really a serial cheater? How do we know? ...


I have no idea on the 'serial' cheater. What is important is that he is cheating _right now_ and has almost NO incentive to change...


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## Maninlovewithwife (Aug 9, 2010)

Hello, I,m gonna get straight to the point. I am a 36 year old male that has been through this. First he has to stop total communication with this person, cause if not things can get a lot worse. So what you have to do to see if he really does love and want only you is to as bad as it may hurt, stop everything with him. Do not worry about what his mother says because she is gonna be a mother to her son first before anything else. I hope this helps you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When you got together with him, did you expect to have to play 4th or 10th place in his life? Then why are you accepting it?


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

turnera said:


> When you got together with him, did you expect to have to play 4th or 10th place in his life? Then why are you accepting it?


Last night i wrote a letter telling him what i feel and what i can and cannot accept, setting boundaries. 

This morning when he read it, he replied he tried his best until now. Since i want him out he will arrange to move and divorce. 

I feel sad i have to take this step. Am i over reacting? Or i expect too much in short period of time? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Good on you, you set your boundaries, let him leave.

If he was half the man and husband that he should have been then he would do what needs to be done to save the marriage and love you as his wife and equal partner 

You need to look after yourself, do not be over confident the days ahead are going to be difficult, expect the worst and fight for the best, small steps and take control of your life.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Bellz,
You did the right thing, he is married to you, he can't have a girlfriend on the side, it's just not right and you deserve someone committed to only you......
You are lucky to be able to start over and not have to put up with all the respect he seems to think is alright to send your way....
Stay strong in your decision, It will be very tough to do but you need to show him you just aren't going to put up with him and his lack of love and respect for you......
He needs to grow up and maybe someday he will, maybe now that he knows you mean what you say and he has to move out he will see what he is doing is wrong and unacceptable........
Post here for support, keep yourself busy and open your mind to what life can offer you......
good luck


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Bellz, a few things to keep in mind here. Many times, when bondries are set and enforced, the Wayward will threaten divorce. It is almost always a part of the script they use.

Does this mean he will see it through? It is a distinct possibility but you are letting him see, feel and live the consequences of his actions. The question is, do YOU want the divorce? If you do not, then there are ways to prolong that process and work on trying to salvage the marriage, but only if you want to. It does not always mean it can be sucessfully fixed but if it can be, those steps help. Read the threads regarding JAR, Iamnottheonlyone and land, there is advice in those threads about the seperation stage and directions on what to do and to expect.

Good Luck!

Q~


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wisp said:


> If he was half the man and husband that he should have been then he would do what needs to be done to save the marriage and love you as his wife and equal partner


Exactly. He is showing his true colors now.

You have your whole life ahead of you, and you WILL find a man who will love you, respect you, and _take care of you_ as a husband should. 

It just won't be this guy.


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

well, this is not the first time he threaten divorce. Everytime i ask to stop contact he will threaten leaving or divorce. Like you said, the script is repeating. Lets see how it goes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, hopefully, then, you are smarter this time and you will SEND HIM AWAY.

Bellz, you deserve better than this.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> This morning when he read it, he replied he tried his best until now. Since i want him out he will arrange to move and divorce.


_If that is his best, I'd say he is a little disappointing!_ Pretty much every other man on the planet can actually do better - many of them _choose_ not to. The fact that he says he "can't" do any better is a bad reflection of his character. My guess is that what he is really saying is:

"He _refused_ to do his best until now - and now he will do even worse."

Let him experience what it means to walk away from his wife. And, as MrQuatto recommended above, decide if you wish to save your marriage. If you do, there is a lot you can now do to turn things around. Let your husband do the divorce work. Let him end the marriage - while you do all you can to save it. In the end, your conscience will be clear, and you will have grown from the experience.


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

in conjunction with the letter yesterday, today he spoke to me about repairing things, marriage, what went wrong with our marriage. We have been together for 4 years, which is longer than any of his ex which just last a few months. and i should be able to understand him and not do things that kill his love for me. His family has adviced him and divorce is not what everyone wanted. Divorce is easy but repair is not easy. Talk about trust and respect and how the letter hurt him. That is his peace talk to me. Saying also he is going to change his job for me whatever that means. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what RULES would you set for him if you were to consider taking him back?


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

loyalty and honesty is top priority. Most important is to see whether he is willing to spend time to get back physical and emotional intimacy. We hardly spend time together which is what i always complain. Is that too simple? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'd be getting MUCH more specific, so he can't wrangle out of it.

(1) All passwords to ALL your electronics means of communication - phone, computer, etc.; if he refuses, he moves out.
(2) Mandatory weekly 1-hour talking about relationship; if he refuses, he moves out.
(3) Mandatory counseling until YOU are satisfied; if he quits, he moves out.
(4) Agreement to certain helpful actions or lack of certain harmful actions; if he breaks the agreement, he moves out.

Stuff like that.


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

turnera said:


> I'd be getting MUCH more specific, so he can't wrangle out of it.
> 
> (1) All passwords to ALL your electronics means of communication - phone, computer, etc.; if he refuses, he moves out.
> (2) Mandatory weekly 1-hour talking about relationship; if he refuses, he moves out.
> ...


Wow, that is a bit harsh.
Both of us are negative in love banks. We can't just jump in and say everythings ok if you only do this. Its not. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

It is what is required; your man cannot be trusted. He will use sweet words on you, he is deceitful, do not forget that. 

I would add he is banned from using the Internet completely

No one can teach a person to be honest learning from his mistakes will go a long way towards keeping him in line. If he is disrespectful to you in words, actions or deeds, sling him out.

Remember you are an equal in the marriage, he needs to respect that..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bellz said:


> Wow, that is a bit harsh.
> Both of us are negative in love banks. We can't just jump in and say everythings ok if you only do this. Its not.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Read up on infidelity. You will see that, to recover a marriage, the cheater must make significant sacrifices, for a period of time, to gain back the betrayed spouse's trust. If he is unwilling to do those things, it means that he considers you nothing more than a convenience. 

When you stop being convenient, he will leave.

What kind of marriage is that?

Your problem is that you have sacrificed SO MUCH of your dignity and self-worth just to keep him that you, by now, consider any scraps he will throw at you as worthy of a marriage.

It is not.

You are an EQUAL. You deserve just as much respect as he does - actually MORE than he does at this point for the harm he has done you.

You need some hard therapy to regain your self-worth so that you can see that you deserve very high standards to be set for HIM to deserve YOU.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> in conjunction with the letter yesterday, today he spoke to me about repairing things, marriage, what went wrong with our marriage. We have been together for 4 years, which is longer than any of his ex which just last a few months. and i should be able to understand him and not do things that kill his love for me. His family has adviced him and divorce is not what everyone wanted. Divorce is easy but repair is not easy. Talk about trust and respect and how the letter hurt him. That is his peace talk to me. Saying also he is going to change his job for me whatever that means.


Bellz, this is information from him that you should not pass up. Find out if he is indeed serious about any of what he says:

".... he spoke to me about repairing things, marriage, what went wrong with our marriage....."

"....Saying also he is going to change his job for me whatever that means...."

"...His family has adviced him and divorce is not what everyone wanted. ..."

All three of these statements are an indication that you may have a means of saving your marriage. All three statements are very good signs.

Find out if he is serious. If so, then I recommend three immediate steps:

1) He writes a no contact letter to the Other Woman. Here are some sample No Contact letters to give you an idea of what that means. He gives YOU the letter, and YOU mail it to her. HE DOES NOT! He does not because it is very easy for him to slip in an explanation or two to her, exchange the letter for another one that he did NOT give you, etc. YOU read it, approve it, and mail it yourself.

2) He gives you absolute transparency with regard to his passwords, email accounts, phone records, etc. This is to prove to you that he is no longer engaging in any infidelity.

3) He agrees to specific work on the marriage. This means working on:

"...and i should be able to understand him and not do things that kill his love for me...." 

as well as 

"....he should be able to understand you and not do things that kill your love for him..."

He must take responsibility for HIS part in the marriage, and do the work needed to overcome the problems HE brings to the marriage. You must take responsibility for YOUR part in the marriage, and do the work needed to overcome the problems YOU bring to the marriage.

If he does indeed agree to those three steps, then you can be reasonably sure he really wants to work on the marriage.

Advice: Do not settle for ANYTHING less. Don't settle for two of the three steps - because I can guarantee that it will be that one step he refuses to do that will be his way of continuing to behave the way he has so far. 

This is a good sign - I hope it continues - and that he is stating these things seriously.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bellz said:


> Wow, that is a bit harsh.
> Both of us are negative in love banks. We can't just jump in and say everythings ok if you only do this. Its not.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Mind you, what I suggested doesn't mean that YOU have no work to do, as well. I'm sure there is plenty about yourself that you can improve just like he can.


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

we haven't spoken in great length after that day. But i have a feeling he's not really into repairing. He only say it coz his family is against divorce and he's willing to do alot for then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Bellz said:


> we haven't spoken in great length after that day. But i have a feeling he's not really into repairing. He only say it coz his family is against divorce and he's willing to do alot for then.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I take it, then, that you haven't moved forward either! 

Here's something to consider - the _reason_ for wishing to repair the marriage is not really important - some people do it 'for the children,' some because their family wants them to - and many other reasons. The important thing is that this gives you the opportunity to work on the marriage. And that work is the same work, regardless of the reason it begins - the end result is the same.

However: you seem to hint that nothing has changed. Our advice still stands - move forward with your plan. He either moves out or begins work on the marriage. 

It works to his benefit if he can make a statement about it once every couple of weeks or so - just enough so that you back off and ease up the pressure to be a real husband! If that's all you do, he can play that game for a long, long time - every time you get 'upset' he makes a statement or two, and you shut up. Magic! He gets another two weeks of the house, etc, and he gets to continue his affair.

So do 't just take him SAYING he wants to work on the marriage - watch for the ACTION of doing it. And until you see that - assume that he is NOT willing to work on it, and proceed in a way that makes working on the marriage more important.


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

Hi, just an update after he moved out for almost 5 months. 

Found out that OW break up with him last week. Reason: she found evidence that he's seeing another woman while he say he's outstation with male colleague (the same reason he gave me last time). The newest one started about half a year ago, roughly when he change new job and move out. 

Initially the first few months are very hard, especially when involving festive season. Now it looks like he is never ever going to change. For the past few months he's been texting me for divorce saying his family has given up on us being together again and don't delay the inevitable. There's some harsh exchange on my part and everytime it doesn't go to the end. He insists we become good friend and stop arguing. 

Last week my car broke down and I called him for help. He did come and help. We exchange some news and being civil/friendly. Sometimes I still hope that he'll come back, but looks like a leopard never changes its spots. It's hopeless. I don't know how many women is he seeing/cheated on and there's no remorse.


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## purrhotstuff (Apr 21, 2011)

Bellz you sound like a good woman, I hope you would expect more from a spouse. This guy has big issues. It was sad 2 read everything u wrote. It is ok to be sad about a divorce but do you want to keep being sad? No of course you do not. Get over this guy, he is an immature punk who lies and you cannot trust

This issue about his mom doing everything for him just sounds like a very crazy dynamic. Who cares what his family thinks? Let the next poor girl deal with him and his family. His family and his mom are part of the problem too. 

Concentrate on making yourself happy. Make new friends. Yes it will hurt but it will hurt more if you keep this charade going with this d-bag.

He has made it clear this this marriage is not important to him. Start making steps 2 divorce him. Go to a counselor and speak to someone about ur issues.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Right. Expect the same amount of respect that you give him.

You're in a great place - he REALLY wants a divorce. Make him pay big for it.


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