# Told the OMW, update



## thrway214

I guess we are in the aftermath. She escalated by moving money out of an account. (I am not worried, I am fairly well protected). She took my computer from my home office (not sure she is going to find anything of importance). She says she will file for a D. She continues to say this was the nail in the coffin. 

Broke 180 this morning and had a long conversation about telling OMW. Got a lot of blame-shifting. I resisted and stood up for myself pretty well. 

I am beginning to see that there were some serious issues in our marriage - which are still not deal-breakers. But seriously, I don't believe that she has the humility and selflessness to deal with a proper R. I don't think she even likes the new person she has turned me into.


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## Almostrecovered

this is starting to look more and more of an "exit affair"

since the fear of divorce is obviously not present at all, she likely had plans to divorce in the first place


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## sigma1299

I have to agree with AR. Either that or she's playing a hardcore game of chicken to see if she can back you down.

Regardless you have to continue on in the direction of the 180. I'll be interested to know if she actually does file for D or if she just talks about it. 

Sorry man. Stick to the 180.


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## thrway214

There is no future with this guy, and I still think this guy will turn and run from her. What I do know, is that my wife will cut her nose to spite her face. She will file, even if only to get the last word. 

I have backed down so many times, I have to remind myself that this time, it was an affair - not some inconsequential argument about this or that. She walked out on the marriage. Game of chicken is over.


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## snap

File first?


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## SprucHub

I know the type thrway - all pride, no dignity; always right, no sense of humility. Reason is no match for anger or the need to be right.


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## CandieGirl

Just walk away (figuratively speaking). She had an affair. What more do you need?


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## lordmayhem

I had to go to the other place to get a gist for your story. So I pulled some of your relevant posts.



thrway214 said:


> Second DDay was two nights ago. Got another oppty to sync her phone. Another gut-wrenching blow-up. *This time, the messages are about how much she loves him, and how good he makes her feel. She writes of how she goes to sleep thinking of him and waking up the same way*. ****ing mushy love notes. And a whole web of lies. *They have met numerous times*. While it is clear that there was no sex, *I am not sure how much physical contact there was*. She had clearly doubled down during the interim weeks.


She's VERY deep in the fog of the affair, I mean really. They met numerous times but no sex? How sure of that are you? By reading the texts? Maybe she gave him BJs and maybe he went down on her. But it's clear this is a PA, you just don't know the extent because of the TT. 



thrway214 said:


> She has realized that she has to give up OM and is actively working on it. She is in the bargaining phase. *Today, she wanted me to mail him a gift that she had bought for him. She asked this as a favor in return for giving him up!!* Like all other stories here, this is just insane - except to her. She said she wasn't going to MC, but then this morning agreed to. *She says she will never give up her freedoms and will not comply with my "nazi" demands for information*. She really thinks she can set this up on her terms. She still really cares for this guy. She doesn't want me to contact his wife because she feels it will destroy their marriage. All symptoms of the fog, I am sure you will agree.


Amazing! She wanted you to mail to the OM a gift that she bought for HIM? Yeah, that's absolutely crazy. It shows just how far gone she really is.



thrway214 said:


> As of today, my wife says she is on day 5 of her NC. She seems to have genuinely turned a corner. But I know your experience screams that she is just lying (even if, perhaps, to herself). *She says she doesn't care if I tell the OM's wife - that it will be his problem*. She talks about how she feels taken advantage of. She says she still has feelings for him, but can see how she may have been in the fog too deep. She says she is now 100% committed to our marriage. However, she continues to disparage counseling. I told her in no uncertain terms that we need to resolve the issues in our marriage that preceded the A. She understands that..


She was bluffing you and felt you really wouldnt do it because you have been so beta to her before and given in to everything. So that when you really did it, she went ballistic.

She has no respect for you or the marriage and she's till very deep in the fog. The only thing she did after DDay#1 back in October was take it further underground and even deeper with the affair - which by the happens every time the BS rug sweeps the affair. 

Now, seeing how concerned she was about protecting OM and his marriage, this may not have been an exit affair. But she definitely wanted to cake eat for as long as possible, and maybe hold out hope that OM will leave his BW.


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## okeydokie

SprucHub said:


> I know the type thrway - all pride, no dignity; always right, no sense of humility. Reason is no match for anger or the need to be right.


yeah, i know this type also


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## calif_hope

Start planning fir a wonderful, less drama filled, life without her. Go get a haircut at a nice place, hit the gym, get yourself some new clothes, take a night class,.......do things that were not your norm....you know, look up a smell the roses and ignore the fertilizer....meet new people.....simply move forward in a new direction and quit allowing your WW to force you to circle around and around.......really shock her, get your attorney and beat her to the punch, use infidelity if allowed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn

Why did she take the computer? Why did you allow that? Is it a shared computer?


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## bandit.45

She's digging for dirt. Desperate not to be the bad guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran

sigma1299 said:


> I have to agree with AR. Either that or she's playing a hardcore game of chicken to see if she can back you down.
> 
> Regardless you have to continue on in the direction of the 180. I'll be interested to know if she actually does file for D or if she just talks about it.
> 
> Sorry man. Stick to the 180.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Stay strong man, dont allow her to manipulate you any more. Serve her first, surely she is not going to file.


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## AppleDucklings

calif_hope said:


> Start planning fir a wonderful, less drama filled, life without her. Go get a haircut at a nice place, hit the gym, get yourself some new clothes, take a night class,.......do things that were not your norm....you know, look up a smell the roses and ignore the fertilizer....meet new people.....simply move forward in a new direction and quit allowing your WW to force you to circle around and around.......really shock her, get your attorney and beat her to the punch, use infidelity if allowed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did these things (all of the above mentioned) during my separation and after my divorce. It has all helped me tremendously in dealing with things. I feel more confidence than I have in a long time. I totally recommend doing this.


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## AppleDucklings

SprucHub said:


> I know the type thrway - all pride, no dignity; always right, no sense of humility. Reason is no match for anger or the need to be right.


^ That was my ex husband.


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## turnera

File for divorce, do NOT move out if you have kids (don't know your story cos you are creating multiple threads). Follow calif_hope's advice. Either way it goes, you will be becoming a better, happier person. And read No More Mr Nice Guy.


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## thrway214

Another update. 

I am starting to see some willingness to work with me, but all the classic signs are still there. 

She doesn't want to give me access to her phone, because it is "her business". 
She continues to minimize my feelings - suggesting that I am reading too much into the situation because I am reading too many online articles and books. 
She continues to suggest that the affair was a result of poor communication between us. 
She continues to be angry with me because I revealed to OMW. 
I read a longish article from MarriageBuilders.com on how to recover from an affair. She says it is one person's opinion and that I am insisting on my path back, and it is too narrow. 
She has escalated on several fronts - she took my computer, moved money around etc. 

I am sure you guys will see no remorse in any of this. Any positive signs here? 

Also, 180 has been going well, as hard as it is. I do keep failing the "don't argue, walk away" bit. I keep getting sucked into long discussions. I have learned to keep my cool while she has continued to be emotionally unpredictable. How do I learn to stay away from these discussions?


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## snap

Put on the headphones.


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## Jellybeans

Nothing on that list shows a WILLINGNESS to work with you.

The sheer fact she won't own the affair, minimizes your feeling and especially NOT sharing her phone with you says she is not into your marriage.

hard consequences. That's the only thing that will work. Unless you want to tolerate someone who is prob not remorseful about betraying you/your marriage/your family. 

And no. There are no positives in your list. 

WHY THE F did you let her TAKE your computer? Move money around? This woman does not have your best interest. She sounds like a nut. An unrepentant nut.

Yuck.

Why are you putting up with this?

::SMACK:: This me me slapping some sense into you. Man up, dude.


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## snap

And I agree, none of that sounds good. File, let her keep her anger.


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## thrway214

She took my computer when I wasn't at home. Not sure what she plans to do with it - likely trying to get at what I know about OM's previous A. She doesn't want the OMW to know about them. 

She is so irrational right now, she doesn't even have her own interests in mind - much less mine. 

Is it ever too early to file? I know I sound like I am desperate to stay married, but I haven't found peace re. the kids. I am continuing to 180. Separating accounts. She says she is moving out next week. I said good. She equated my snooping on her and lying about not telling OMW to her affair.


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## Jellybeans

LISTEN UP and listen well: DO NOT beg her to stay with you. AT ALL. It's the worst thing you could do.

She is saying she's moving out next week? You better freeze your bank accounts before she runs off w/ all of it.

Tell her: "Give me my computer back. If you want to leave, I won't try to make you stay. You have btrayed our marriage as well as someone else's. I am not sure I want to be married to you." 

HARD CONSEQUENCES.

Never ever EVER chase a dog that is running away from you.


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## joe kidd

Make your demands and stand by them. Get some steel in that backbone.


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## thrway214

To be clear. I am not asking her to stay. I have said that I will not file for two months, just to give myself time. That doesn't mean I am waiting for her to come back. 

As for freezing accounts - she really cannot do much. I have statements going back years. And she can take the cash, but there are physical assets that will more than make up for what she can move around. I have talked to an attorney about this. 

I have made it clear that a complete NC, with full transparency is the only way to an R. She is reluctant to go there. I cannot make it any clearer. I have also insisted that R includes proper MC. I have told her that all these things still doesn't guarantee that I will want to stay married to her ass. We will see.


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## Jellybeans

thrway214 said:


> I have made it clear that a complete NC, with full transparency is the only way to an R. She is reluctant to go there. I cannot make it any clearer. I have also insisted that R includes proper MC. I have told her that all these things still doesn't guarantee that I will want to stay married to her ass. We will see.


If she won't do those things, then you have your answer.

I am sorry for your pain but can assure you, it does get better.


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## joe kidd

thrway214 said:


> To be clear. I am not asking her to stay. I have said that I will not file for two months, just to give myself time. That doesn't mean I am waiting for her to come back.
> 
> As for freezing accounts - she really cannot do much. I have statements going back years. And she can take the cash, but there are physical assets that will more than make up for what she can move around. I have talked to an attorney about this.
> 
> I have made it clear that a complete NC, with full transparency is the only way to an R. She is reluctant to go there. I cannot make it any clearer. I have also insisted that R includes proper MC. I have told her that all these things still doesn't guarantee that I will want to stay married to her ass. We will see.


Good for you. Best of luck.


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## Almostrecovered

thrway214 said:


> To be clear. I am not asking her to stay. I have said that I will not file for two months, just to give myself time. That doesn't mean I am waiting for her to come back.



I think you should file now and stop the proceedings if you wish later


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

thrway214 said:


> Is it ever too early to file? .


No. Never. 

I would suggest that there are times when its "too late" to file and get the desired result. (ie; fog clearing / power shifting / I mean business) but never to early...

This process is Loooooooooooooooong, at any point you can change directions and cancel or pause the divorce process if genuine reconciliation seems to be possible...

File.

*AR... great minds think alike but some type faster than others. lol. well played.


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## bandit.45

Quit spending so much time at home. Join a gym and work out until late three or four nights a week. Work later at your job. Take your son on field trips every Saturday and spend Sundays going through your belongings and getting rid of crap you don't need. As long as she is there taking care of your son I don't see why you have to be so accessible to her. The less time you spend around her the fewer occasions she has to back you up against the wall. Ignore her. Quit engaging with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## krismimo

i have been reading your post and i think iam a practical person. in my humble opinion your wife is not acting like she is truely sorry nor does she seem to fully grasp or care about your feelings she sounds gone. now my question for you is what do you want to do? 
and the harder question is what do i need to do? i get the sense that she may feel that you will not leave her, i also feel that you need to do something drastic and pull that rug umderneath her so she can get off that high horse of hers. dont bluff just bluff make a plan for yourself and execute it. 

dont tell her anything else you plan on doing you have to protect yourself this is survivor mode. i think either she should go or you can
should leave if you feel comfortable and only if it wont hurt
in the process. good luck. kris.


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## Shaggy

Your wife is showing that she wasn't in R, but still seeking on continuing the affair.

Btw, if you have more details on the OM, don't hold out on telling his wife. She deserves to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostWifeCrushed

I agree with bandit 100% spend time going through the stuff in the house, start separating things, throwing stuff out, etc. Clean out your storerooms, like attic, garage, etc. You'll feel better just getting organized and cleaning out the dead wood.


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## bandit.45

Yup, show her you are getting ready to part company. You don't need to answer her questions. Make her sweat.


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## thrway214

Need advice. 

Just got called by OMW for a copy of phone logs and text messages. I plan to redact all innocent parties' phone numbers on the statements. 

Any thing else to remember to do? 

The text messages are extracted snippets from her phone log. 

Finally, my WW has been very touchy about info about a prev A the OM had. She says she shared that detail with me in confidence, and that it would betray her trust in me (I know, I know) if I shared it. However, one or two of her texts to OM mention the previous A. Do I remove that part? Or let the **** fly? 

Please remember, that even as foggy as my WW is right now, I am hoping for R at some point in the future.


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## Jellybeans

I wouldn't remove them at all. She asked for a copy so give it to her. She has the right to know. By not sharing that info with her, you are enabling the deceit. 

You could tell the OMW to also share with you anything else she has found. Let her become your ally.


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## gpa

Jellybeans said:


> I wouldn't remove them at all. She asked for a copy so give it to her. She has the right to know. By not sharing that info with her, you are enabling the deceit.
> 
> You could tell the OMW to also share with you anything else she has found. Let her become your ally.


Excellent advise.:iagree:


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## bandit.45

> Finally, my WW has been very touchy about info about a prev A the OM had. She says she shared that detail with me in confidence, and that it would betray her trust in me (I know, I know) if I shared it. However, one or two of her texts to OM mention the previous A. Do I remove that part? Or let the **** fly?


F*ck your wife and f*ck the OM! Give the OMW everything you know. Your moral obligation to the truth, and to that OMW's well being, faaaaar exceeds your so-called wife's "trust" in you. 

Your wife is protecting her affair partner....trying to get you to help her help the man who she was f*cking!

Let that sink in for a minute.....


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## Jellybeans

bandit.45 said:


> F*ck your wife and f*ck the OM!


Yeah! that! lol :rofl:


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## Shaggy

Do not help the wife protect her AP. that s you helping to protect the affair. Why would you do that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

You do realize anything your wife says will drive her away will actually do the opposite? She is using her leaving as a threat to let her cake eat.

You know this shows the affair is still active to her!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thrway214

Shaggy said:


> You know this shows the affair is still active to her!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am acutely aware of this. And this exposure is clearly having the intended impact. 

I am going through 180, but as much as I'd like, there is still a part of me that wants my marriage to survive. I guess it is counter-intuitive - that what seems like a recipe for failure, will actually give it the best chance of survival.


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## bandit.45

Sorry thrway214,

Didn't mean to go off. Your wife reminds me so much of mine.


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## Jellybeans

Why do you want to be with someone who is still involved in an affair?

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

bandit.45 said:


> Your wife is protecting her affair partner....trying to get you to help her help the man who she was f*cking!
> 
> Let that sink in for a minute.....


BINGO. 

Cut through the all the bullsh*t.

Your W is protecting him and expects you to do the same. Matter of fact she's threatening you if you don't.

Don't you dare protect him.


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## Thorburn

The ways things were are gone.

The wife you thought you had is dead.

The marriage you thought you had is dead.

You want things to be as they were and it is gone and you will never, ever get it back.

I am not far along from my D-Day (Nov. 29th).

My marriage is in R but my wife has to do alot and had to do alot. If she had not it would have been over.

Do not under any circumstances allow your wife to dictate anything.

You have a great attitude and R can be in your future but stand firm.


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## TRy

thrway214 said:


> Finally, my WW has been very touchy about info about a prev A the OM had. She says she shared that detail with me in confidence, and that it would betray her trust in me (I know, I know) if I shared it. However, one or two of her texts to OM mention the previous A. Do I remove that part? Or let the **** fly?


 Sharing the logs is not sharing what your wife told you in confidence. You got those on your own, so share them with the OMW without a second thought. 

Also, ask your wife exactly how many times she has betrayed your trust in her over the last few months? You owe her nothing when it comes to the OM. In fact you owe her less than nothing.


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## bandit.45

> Sharing the logs is not sharing what your wife told you in confidence. You got those on your own, so share them with the OMW without a second thought.
> 
> Also, ask your wife exactly how many times she has betrayed your trust in her over the last few months? You owe her nothing when it comes to the OM. In fact you owe her less than nothing.


And not only that, but if you think about it, in a round about way thrway214's wife is also protecting her OM's other affair partner... the other other woman!!!

How messed up is that?


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## lordmayhem

All I can say is

Throw. OM. Under. The. Bus.

Seriously, what are you waiting for?


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## Will_Kane

*"I have said that I will not file for two months."*

She will not start to work this out with you until you file. She is used to you backing down and expects you to cave. You're just putting yourself through two more months of limbo than you have to. File right away and save yourself two months of pain. She is acting out like a child right now. First she tries being nice, then she tries screaming, then irrational arguments. Like dealing with your kids when they're trying to get their way.

She's not ready for you to file. She'd like more time to prepare herself or to try to find a way to preempt you. That's why the time is now. Don't give her two more months to figure out a way to play you. I think she's better at this game than you are.


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## Beowulf

Personally I would file if she moves out. Her moving is an excuse to make herself more available to the OM. If she want to stay and work on the marriage you might wait to file but if she moves have her served in her new apartment the next day or asap. That will show her you are serious and maybe snap her out of the fog she's in.


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## Chaparral

thrway214 said:


> Another update.
> 
> I am starting to see some willingness to work with me, but all the classic signs are still there.
> 
> She doesn't want to give me access to her phone, because it is "her business".
> She continues to minimize my feelings - suggesting that I am reading too much into the situation because I am reading too many online articles and books.
> She continues to suggest that the affair was a result of poor communication between us.
> She continues to be angry with me because I revealed to OMW.
> I read a longish article from MarriageBuilders.com on how to recover from an affair. She says it is one person's opinion and that I am insisting on my path back, and it is too narrow.
> She has escalated on several fronts - she took my computer, moved money around etc.
> 
> I am sure you guys will see no remorse in any of this. Any positive signs here?
> 
> Also, 180 has been going well, as hard as it is. I do keep failing the "don't argue, walk away" bit. I keep getting sucked into long discussions. I have learned to keep my cool while she has continued to be emotionally unpredictable. How do I learn to stay away from these discussions?


Doesn't sound like you understand the 180 at all. You don't discuss the relationship until she wants to reconcile. The way you avoid arguing is you smile disdainfully ,turn your back and walk away. 

She took your computer ? Take her car keys. Take her cell phone. Hell take her hair brush.

Think instead of react. 

Read the 180 over and over until you get it. By now you should only be discussing kids, bills, business etc.

Man up or be a doormat in front of your kids. Right now she has you out gunned, out thought and out played.


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## Chaparral

I disagree with the other posters in that I would only give info to OM's wife about Om's affair with your wife. You want OM's wife to help you break up their affair NOT break up their marriage. If they divorce it gives OM no reason not to pursue your wife. You can always hold the other info over your wifes head. 

Alls fair in love and war.


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## thrway214

chapparal said:


> I disagree with the other posters in that I would only give info to OM's wife about Om's affair with your wife. You want OM's wife to help you break up their affair NOT break up their marriage. If they divorce it gives OM no reason not to pursue your wife. You can always hold the other info over your wifes head.
> 
> Alls fair in love and war.


That is an idea, Chap. But there is NO future with OM. She knows that, even in her fog. She just wants his soulful companionship. She thinks they were made for each other in some other dimension. I am laughing as I type this. At this point, I put the chances of my marriage surviving at under 5%. So, why the f.ck not? I am going to send the whole package. Let him spend some time in the **** I am
living.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

thrway214 said:


> Please remember, that even as foggy as my WW is right now, I am hoping to kiss up to her enough that she will let me still hang around her and maybe get a kiss or two from her at some point in the future.


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## Chaparral

thrway214 said:


> That is an idea, Chap. But there is NO future with OM. She knows that, even in her fog. She just wants his soulful companionship. She thinks they were made for each other in some other dimension. I am laughing as I type this. At this point, I put the chances of my marriage surviving at under 5%. So, why the f.ck not? I am going to send the whole package. Let him spend some time in the **** I am
> living.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Always do what you think is best, unfortunately, we can't help you clean up the mess whenever the sh!t hits the fan.


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## Almostrecovered

chapparal said:


> I disagree with the other posters in that I would only give info to OM's wife about Om's affair with your wife. You want OM's wife to help you break up their affair NOT break up their marriage. If they divorce it gives OM no reason not to pursue your wife. You can always hold the other info over your wifes head.
> 
> Alls fair in love and war.




I'm shocked you said this


since when does fear of the OM/OW getting divorced from exposure become a valid point to not expose?


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## bandit.45

thrway214 needs to make those logs available to anyone....

...the OMW, the other other woman, the OM's kids, the OM's gariatric doctor, his housekeepr, mailman....everyone.

I'd like to meet this OM. 63 years old and hauling in this much skirt? Wow!


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## RWB

ThrWay,

When I caught my wife and finally determined she was a serial cheater for years, I asked her did you ever ask about previous affairs with your AP. She said that is one of the first things that comes up. It kind of like some f--kedup "Red Badge of Courage" as in my marriage has been so screwed up for so long. Misery and company... WTF.

Pretty sick stuff, they will willingly spill their hearts to a "stranger" but not a word of truth to their spouse of decades. 

Anyway, I had this bullsh!t dialogue in email text (damn old SENT BOX) and it was very telling where my wife's head was years ago. 
I had know problem exposing all to the offended OW. 

Just reverse the roles, if you were in the dark would you not want to know the whole truth?


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## Kallan Pavithran

rock said:


> Betray her trust?
> 
> Sometimes I just do not get people. This is one of those times I suppose.




She was/is trustful to her husband throughout their marriage so she can ask anything to her husband, its hard to believe that she is living in earth, she is living in the fantasy world created by herself and OM where her husband is only a doormat to do what she want.


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## Eli-Zor

thrway214 said:


> That is an idea, Chap. But there is NO future with OM. She knows that, even in her fog. She just wants his soulful companionship. She thinks they were made for each other in some other dimension. I am laughing as I type this. At this point, I put the chances of my marriage surviving at under 5%. So, why the f.ck not? I am going to send the whole package. Let him spend some time in the **** I am
> living.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Send all the information you have, there is no need for you to support his lies. At his age he will worried about his pension and the estate he is about to lose , time for him to man up and face the music.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

thrway214 said:


> Need advice.
> 
> Just got called by OMW for a copy of phone logs and text messages. I plan to redact all innocent parties' phone numbers on the statements.
> 
> Any thing else to remember to do?
> 
> The text messages are extracted snippets from her phone log.
> 
> Finally, my WW has been very touchy about info about a prev A the OM had. She says she shared that detail with me in confidence, and that it would betray her trust in me (I know, I know) if I shared it. However, one or two of her texts to OM mention the previous A. Do I remove that part? Or let the **** fly?
> 
> Please remember, that even as foggy as my WW is right now, I am hoping for R at some point in the future.


No do not remove that part. For all she would know OMW could have found the info from his email and cell.


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## Speed

You seriously need to man up.

She is walking all over you. My god, stand up for yourself. She took your computer? Find it and take it back. Tell her if she wants to be like then her $hit will start disappearing.

All bets are off. You give whatever information you have to whomever you damn well please. You tell whoever you want whatever you want. Screw that selfish b!tch.

If you act like a doormat people will wipe their feet on you all day long.


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## LostWifeCrushed

Do not protect her affair partner. What is he -- some Svengali with a harem of women he has been hiding from his Wife? Sheesh --even if you do "respect" what she told you in confidence, the proof is in the call log or whatever. Trade info with the OMW. I agree with whoever said to make her an ally.


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## thrway214

I guess the pressure is getting to her. She spent two hours this morning talking. She says he genuinely wants to move on, but threatened that sending the texts to omw would lead to our divorce. I did not back down, but went with chap's advice and offered to keep the other A back in reserve. She wanted the whole
Enchilada. She said sending any texts would end Om's marriage and he would feel obligated to pick up the pieces with him.

I didn't back down. She is currently having a nervous breakdown. Cancelled all appts, asked me to arrange for the kids etc. Likely histrionics. But it is hard to tell. Tte stress has been high on her. For now, I am not going to do anything. But I hear her offer full transparency and
NC. Is this the mascara running capitulation we are supposed to be looking for?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered

well you shouldnt be telling her you are exposing, you should just do it

and I beg you to reconsider about the info on the additional affair

1) she deserves to know in order to make a proper decision, it's what you would want too, yes?
2) elegirl brought up a good point, if she already started digging up her own info then by you leaving it out it muddies what she will believe
3) her decision to divorce should not be your concern, honestly if they do get divorced and your wife runs to him, then honestly you had no shot at R and who wants to be second choice anyways?


----------



## strugglinghusband

thrway214 said:


> I guess the pressure is getting to her. She spent two hours this morning talking. She says he genuinely wants to move on, but threatened that sending the texts to omw would lead to our divorce.
> 
> *She what? Dude she's playing you like a fiddle, you do know that dont you, please tell me you see it*
> 
> I did not back down, but went with chap's advice and offered to keep the other A back in reserve. She wanted the whole
> Enchilada. She said sending any texts would end Om's marriage and he would feel obligated to pick up the pieces with him.
> 
> *Again, playing you seeing if you'll back off with HER threats!*
> 
> I didn't back down. She is currently having a nervous breakdown. Cancelled all appts, asked me to arrange for the kids etc. Likely histrionics. But it is hard to tell. Tte stress has been high on her. For now, I am not going to do anything. But I hear her offer full transparency and
> NC. Is this the mascara running capitulation we are supposed to be looking for?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TRy

thrway214 said:


> She said sending any texts would end Om's marriage and he would feel obligated to pick up the pieces with him.


 Wow!! I mean Wow! With that statement she just told you that her loyalty is clearly with the OM over you and your marraige. And she said this to your face.


----------



## Almostrecovered

You need to understand something

You're basically need to say to your wife "It's me or him, you can't have both"

if she fights the exposure then she is choosing him

that's why you just do it, let her threaten divorce all she wants, because you are the one who will file if he goes ape sh!t from the exposure


----------



## Beowulf

thrway214 said:


> I guess the pressure is getting to her. She spent two hours this morning talking. She says he genuinely wants to move on, but threatened that sending the texts to omw would lead to our divorce. I did not back down, but went with chap's advice and offered to keep the other A back in reserve. She wanted the whole
> Enchilada. She said sending any texts would end Om's marriage and he would feel obligated to pick up the pieces with him.
> 
> I didn't back down. She is currently having a nervous breakdown. Cancelled all appts, asked me to arrange for the kids etc. Likely histrionics. But it is hard to tell. Tte stress has been high on her. For now, I am not going to do anything. But I hear her offer full transparency and
> NC. Is this the mascara running capitulation we are supposed to be looking for?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She and the OM are desperately trying to protect the remnants of their affair. It's like an alcoholic drinking mouthwash or rubbing alcohol because all the liquor has been removed. The only way to end an affair is cold turkey while burning every bridge there is. Anything less and the cheating spouse will start up all over again. If not with this man than with another.

Those that can...do. Those that can't...talk.

Don't be a talker...be a do'er!

Show some strength and take your life back.


----------



## Eli-Zor

thrway214 said:


> I guess the pressure is getting to her. She spent two hours this morning talking. She says he genuinely wants to move on, but threatened that sending the texts to omw would lead to our divorce. I did not back down, but went with chap's advice and offered to keep the other A back in reserve. She wanted the whole
> Enchilada. She said sending any texts would end Om's marriage and he would feel obligated to pick up the pieces with him.
> 
> I didn't back down. She is currently having a nervous breakdown. Cancelled all appts, asked me to arrange for the kids etc. Likely histrionics. But it is hard to tell. Tte stress has been high on her. For now, I am not going to do anything. But I hear her offer full transparency and
> NC. Is this the mascara running capitulation we are supposed to be looking for?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What this says to me is you are allowing her to manipulate you . Stop waffling , send all the details to the OM's wife and don't tell your wife. She lost the right to have a say when she started cheating. If you want any chance of saving your marriage start acting instead of talking, and keep quite your wife does not need to hear your voice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Beowulf

Eli-Zor said:


> What this says to me is you are allowing her to manipulate you . Stop waffling , send all the details to the OM's wife and don't tell your wife. She lost the right to have a say when she started cheating. If you want any chance of saving your marriage start acting instead of talking, and keep quite your wife does not need to hear your voice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

*SHOW* her don't *TELL* her!


----------



## bandit.45

> did not back down, but went with chap's advice and offered to keep the other A back in reserve. She wanted the whole


Why did you tell her this? Why did you show your hand???

Stupid, stupid, stupid.... You're still seeking her validation and approval

DON"T TELL HER ANYTHING YOU ARE PLANNING ON DOING!!!!

EVER!!!

Lord almighty.....


----------



## Lon

thrway214 said:


> I guess the pressure is getting to her. She spent two hours this morning talking. *She says he genuinely wants to move on*, but threatened that *sending the texts to omw would lead to our divorce*. I did not back down, but went with chap's advice and offered to keep the other A back in reserve. She wanted the whole
> Enchilada. She said sending any texts would end Om's marriage and he would feel obligated to pick up the pieces with him.
> 
> *I didn't back down*. She is currently having a nervous breakdown. Cancelled all appts, asked me to arrange for the kids etc. Likely histrionics. But it is hard to tell. Tte stress has been high on her. For now, I am not going to do anything. But I hear her offer full transparency and
> NC. Is this the mascara running capitulation we are supposed to be looking for?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How would she even know if you did expose, is she still in contact with him?? what happened to NC?

She is holding this over you still, threatening to divorce you if you expose? I guess she has all the power in your "relationship" (if thats what you call it)

You did back down, she called your bluff and got her way, while her AP gets to eat his cake and have it too.

If she was coming out of fog she wouldn't be having a nervous breakdown... if you were on the path of true reconciliation she would be expressing gratitude and relief.


----------



## Jellybeans

Like Lon, I want to know how your wife EVEN KNEW about sending the OMW's texts or info about the guy's other affair.

You told didn't you?

Ugh. Back to the drawing board.

Lesson of the day: Exposure 101

NEVER EVER EVER let your spouse or the affair partner know BEFOREHAND that you are about to expose. No way, no how, nothing. Because it gives them time to get their stories straight, to make you look crazy, to concoct more deception.

Ick. 

Dude. This is not remorse. Not even close:



thrway214 said:


> I guess the pressure is getting to her. She spent two hours this morning talking. She says he genuinely wants to move on, *but threatened that sending the texts to omw would lead to our divorce*.
> 
> She said sending any texts would end Om's marriage *and he would feel obligated to pick up the pieces with him.*


Wow. So she threatens YOU, the person she betrayed saying that if you don't keep this guys' skeletons in the closet she is going to divorce you and she is going to feel "obligated" to continue her relationship with him.

What in the f-ckity f-ck?????

Is she for real?

I would have laughed in her face. Please tell me you laughed in her face. Like this: :rofl:

"Be my guest" should have been your answer followed by a "In doing that you just show me where your committmrent lies. I hae no desire to be married to someone who thinks I am going to be kept as second best. I deserve a whole lot better."

Your wife = :loser:

Yes, that is the smiley sign for LOSER.


----------



## Jellybeans

Thrway... this is one of my links and it's applicable to your situation. Here is a more thorough assessment:



Jellybeans said:


> here's how it goes down when you expose:
> 
> _Here's the thing about exposure: *NEVER GIVE YOUR SPOUSE OR THE OTHER WOMAN/MAN WARNING THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXPOSE. JUST DO IT!!!*
> 
> Why?
> 
> Because that will give her and the OM time to get their stories straight/corroborate timelines and make YOU out to be the crazy/psycho husband who has trust issues and is going through a hard time in his marriage, therefore he suspects his wife is cheating on him and wants to lash out at everyone. They WILL do this if you keep giving them warnings. Oh and you bet she's told him already "My husband knows...if someone asks we can just say we're friends" and have already started planning and concocting their stupid excuses and lame cover up stories.
> 
> Find out who his wife is and exposes immediately:
> 
> "OM's Wife,
> 
> Your husband, Name, has been having an affair with my Wife's Name since on or about Month/Year. I discovered the affair by way of (fill in the blank). (Copy/paste or verbalize any proof you have). Their affair has been detrimental to my marriage. My wife told me the affair ended however I have proof contradicts that--they are still having an affair and in contact. I am telling you this because you deserve to know the truth. If you were already aware of the affair, then I am sure that this comes as no surprise to you, but if not, I am sorry to have to be the one to inform you. If you want to talk further or need further proof, you may contact me (at....fill in the blank).
> 
> Your Name"
> 
> THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> F them! And no, your wife doesn't sound like he wants to work it out with you if she's still lying to you. So expose her for the liar she is without telling her or OM. And in the interim, tell her "I am aware you are lying to me and still in contact with the OM. You need to leave today because I refuse to live in an open marriage. I refuse to be treated so callously and be lied to and I will not tolerate this nonsense and your betrayals anymore. Get the f*ck out, homes!"
> 
> Remove yourself as an option for her. She will not feel any consequences as long as you're covering up the affair and allowing her to stay in the house/carry on as a married woman with all the benefits of a committed relationship. She is not committed to your marriage, therefore you do not need to reward her with the same generosity and pat her on the back and feel fearful when she is the one making these d!ck moves. Tell her where to go. _
> 
> Oh and a word of advice: NO marriage counselling as long as she's having an affair. MC does nothing as long as one partner is still lying/having an affair.


----------



## thrway214

This gives me leverage and right now, it is one chance to defog her. It may not work. If it doesn't, I can still use it. She checked herself into a hospital. Likely hystrionics. In a few weeks, we will know how hard her resolve is to move past this in the right way. Thanks to you guys, I know remorse from regret and reluctant R. I will keep you posted. I know there is a good chance that I will be back here posting a sob story. I know this, at best, is a Machiavellian win - not what a marriage needs. But at this point, I don't want to throw all my cards away on a dare.

The monitoring starts again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

What reason did she have for goign to the hospital? Oh Lawd it sounds like you have a drama queen on your hands.

And what is the leverage you are talking about? Honey you have all the leverage you need: YOU. 

"ME or HIM."

That's it. Non negotiable. And through her actions and taunting and stealing your computer and crying about hwo she is going to divorce you if you don't protect the OM for her and saying she will run back to him if you tell his little poor wife about what a d*uche bag he is... do you REALLLLLLLLLLLLLY want to stay with her?

Really?

And don't say you'll bel back here posting a "sob" story. More like a party. Hell the first round will be on me if you an extricate yourself from the clutches of the unreprentant drama queen.

:toast:


----------



## Halien

Jellybeans said:


> Like Lon, I want to know how your wife EVEN KNEW about sending the OMW's texts or info about the guy's other affair.
> 
> You told didn't you?
> 
> Ugh. Back to the drawing board.
> 
> Lesson of the day: Exposure 101
> 
> NEVER EVER EVER let your spouse or the affair partner know BEFOREHAND that you area bout to expose. No way, no how, nothing. Because it gives them time to get their stories straight, to make you look crazy, to concoct more deception.
> 
> Ick.
> 
> Dude. This is not remorse. Not even close:
> 
> 
> 
> Wow. So she threatens YOU, the person she betrayed saying that if you don't keep this guys' skeletons i the closet she is going to divorce you and she is going to feel "obligated" to continue her relationship with him.
> 
> What in the f-ckity f-ck?????
> 
> Is she for real?
> 
> I would have laughd in her face. Please tell me you laughed in her face. Like this: :rofl:
> 
> "Be my guest" should have been your answer followed by a "In doing that you just show me where your committmrent lies. I hae no desire to be married to someone who thinks I am going to be kept as second best. I deserve a whole lot better."
> 
> Your wife = :loser:
> 
> Yes, that is the smiley sign for LOSER.


Now, don't hold back, Jellybeans... Some of us are pretty dense when understanding what a person is saying when they beat around the bush so.

Truthfully, this is the best post I've read in a long time.


----------



## Shaggy

thrway214 said:


> This gives me leverage and right now, it is one chance to defog her. It may not work. If it doesn't, I can still use it. She checked herself into a hospital. Likely hystrionics. In a few weeks, we will know how hard her resolve is to move past this in the right way. Thanks to you guys, I know remorse from regret and reluctant R. I will keep you posted. I know there is a good chance that I will be back here posting a sob story. I know this, at best, is a Machiavellian win - not what a marriage needs. But at this point, I don't want to throw all my cards away on a dare.
> 
> The monitoring starts again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Leverage is what you use in negotations. You aren't going to negotiate her the end of her affair.

The affair will only end when she stops it or her AP stops it.

The exposure to the OMW is done to make the affair costly to him. Additionally if you can do things to make him hate your wife, these only serve to advance your goal.

Stop telling her what you may or may not do. Stop telling her what you've done. If she says don't do a thing against the affair, that tells you aching you MUST do.

You have let her threaten you into following her rules and protecting her AP. really? Stop trying to seek advantage and terms here, it is simply black and white.

The affair ends now. Anything you do stop the affair is fair game.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Halien said:


> Now, don't hold back, Jellybeans... Some of us are pretty dense when understanding what a person is saying when they beat around the bush so.
> 
> Truthfully, this is the best post I've read in a long time.


Why, thank you.

::Tilts head to the side & curtsies:: 

:yawn2:


----------



## Speed

thrway214 said:


> This gives me leverage and right now, it is one chance to defog her. It may not work. If it doesn't, I can still use it. She checked herself into a hospital. Likely hystrionics. In a few weeks, we will know how hard her resolve is to move past this in the right way. Thanks to you guys, I know remorse from regret and reluctant R. I will keep you posted. I know there is a good chance that I will be back here posting a sob story. I know this, at best, is a Machiavellian win - not what a marriage needs. But at this point, I don't want to throw all my cards away on a dare.
> 
> The monitoring starts again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks. Now I have to explain to my wife that I have this giant bruise on my forehead from beating my head on my desk after reading this thread.


----------



## Complexity

thrway214 said:


> *She said sending any texts would end Om's marriage and she would feel obligated to pick up the pieces with him.*


Are you effing kidding me?


----------



## lordmayhem

Is this time for a godzilla facepalm?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## joe kidd

I don't understand how she holds all the power right now. To me it sounds like this..."Ok , you caught me. Do what I want how I want or it will be the end of our marriage." Please don't fall for it.


----------



## bandit.45

> Why, thank you.
> 
> ::Tilts head to the side & curtsies::


Jelly did good!


----------



## bandit.45

> She said sending any texts would end Om's marriage and she would feel obligated to pick up the pieces with him.


No. Just tell her that she will be picking up his dentures off the floor everytime he coughs when he gets to be around 75 and shes in her fifties, sexless and undateable.


----------



## Chaparral

Did you not expose anything?


----------



## thrway214

I Did. I called OMW, and told her of the affair. I said I would mail her texts and phone logs if she needed. I am told she has been giving him the third degree. There is apparently something very incendiary in the messages and my wife, who never really signed up for proper NC with verification, feels her safety is at risk. Or OM's. 

At this point, I am trying to use this leverage to get as much defogging I can. Yes, it isn't that absolute capitulation, but I can still sen the texts, and I can still test NC later. I can trickle truth too, if you will.

I know this will rub a lot of you the wrong way. And I may be super naive. But I am going to do this a couple of weeks and see if she is really ready to put this behind her and start working on us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

Do what you need to do. But don't get your hopes up. 

Your wife is a piece of work.


----------



## Almostrecovered

You're not playing a game here, your wife is doing that but you shouldn't. You need to show her that you are dead serious and the best way to do that is a complete exposure with full force. Giving OMW trickle truth is just plain cruel to her and will only serve to give your wife time to make trouble.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach

Please don't be mistaken.

the advice you are being given is not "a dare". it's wisdom. It came at a very high price and is being given to you freely. 

Our hope is that the mistakes that many of us made, and a few of us follwed may somehow aid you in saving your marriage and giving you the gift of true reconcilation. 

Your fear is that same exact fear and weakness that stopped many of us from doing what we prescribe you do.... We learned the hard way, now some of us are virtually cursed. Possesed by a need to teach the lesson we couldn't learn, and advise action some of us didn't take....

One way or another you will get the wisdom of the advice we are sharing.


----------



## bandit.45

RELEASE THE KRACKEN !!!!! 




(Ok, stupid. I know...)


----------



## Chaparral

thrway214 said:


> I Did. I called OMW, and told her of the affair. I said I would mail her texts and phone logs if she needed. I am told she has been giving him the third degree. There is apparently something very incendiary in the messages and my wife, who never really signed up for proper NC with verification, feels her safety is at risk. Or OM's.
> 
> At this point, I am trying to use this leverage to get as much defogging I can. Yes, it isn't that absolute capitulation, but I can still sen the texts, and I can still test NC later. I can trickle truth too, if you will.
> 
> I know this will rub a lot of you the wrong way. And I may be super naive. But I am going to do this a couple of weeks and see if she is really ready to put this behind her and start working on us.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you did the right thing. It isn't necessarily wise to shoot off all your ammunition at one time. You wife and the OM know you have more to loose on them. Your number one responsibility is to protect your family. 

You have given the OM's wife a good heads up and you still have the option of bringing more guns to bear.

Even more serious however, is whether or not your wife has been threatened. Are you sure she is not using the hospital to hide in? You need to get all the info you can and talk to the police, its your responsiblity to your family. Do not wuss out on this. 

Do you have any clue as to what is going on?


----------



## thrway214

bandit.45 said:


> Do what you need to do. But don't get your hopes up.
> 
> Your wife is a piece of work.


Ain't that the truth! No, hopes are firmly in check. 

To the other poit about trickle truth to OMW. I get it. I didn't realize that it would be cruel. I agree. I think enough has been revealed. He has confessed some too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

The way she is panicking about the whole thing makes me think that there is more to the affair than you know.


----------



## bandit.45

Yeah, I hope she's not part of some f*cked up polygamist "sister-wives" circle.


----------



## MrQuatto

Thr, 1st off, i would be checking up @ the hospital and make sure she really is there. Dont take anything for granted here.

As far as fogging goes, your WS will not start to defog as long as the afair is still going on. It just does not happen. 

Never reveal your sources, never reveal when you disclose or what was disclosed to the OMW and finally, you have to draw a line in the sand and hold it regardless of what is said, cried, threatened, flirted, promised, admitted to, omitted or offered.

Q~


----------



## 5stringpicker

I'd like to know what ya'll mean by "defog". Tell me it's not like you believe the WS started having an affair because they're in some type temporary form of insanity, didn't know what they were doing, and defogging is coming out of it.


----------



## turnera

When you're in an affair, you get a natural high. That high, like any other drug, trumps all reason. You may KNOW you're doing wrong, but dammit, it feels so good you don't CARE!

Defogging is when the smoke in your eyes starts to clear away, day by day, action by action, realization by realization, of how you have harmed your partner when you cheated. It rarely happens overnight.


----------



## Shaggy

thrway214 said:


> Ain't that the truth! No, hopes are firmly in check.
> 
> To the other poit about trickle truth to OMW. I get it. I didn't realize that it would be cruel. I agree. I think enough has been revealed. He has confessed some too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yet there is sonething which is really setting her off. Makes you wonder that perhaps its sonething that would set you off too if you connected the dots with the OMW. Perhaps some deeper sleazy stuff that she has done that the OMW might tell you about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

Agreed. She's hiding something heavy. He needs to send OMW the logs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 5stringpicker

turnera said:


> When you're in an affair, you get a natural high. That high, like any other drug, trumps all reason. You may KNOW you're doing wrong, but dammit, it feels so good you don't CARE!
> 
> Defogging is when the smoke in your eyes starts to clear away, day by day, action by action, realization by realization, of how you have harmed your partner when you cheated. It rarely happens overnight.


That's about as good an explanation as I could hear. The biggest problem is that most are forced into "defogging" because they got their azz caught. With that, I'm not sure how sincere the defogging is. I know that once you cross that line, its gets much easier the next time and its damn hard to stop. Something in your life caused you to cross that line, and chances are that "something" is still going to haunt you.


----------



## Eli-Zor

thrway214 said:


> I Did. I called OMW, and told her of the affair. I said I would mail her texts and phone logs if she needed. I am told she has been giving him the third degree. There is apparently something very incendiary in the messages and my wife, who never really signed up for proper NC with verification, feels her safety is at risk. Or OM's.
> 
> At this point, I am trying to use this leverage to get as much defogging I can. Yes, it isn't that absolute capitulation, but I can still sen the texts, and I can still test NC later. I can trickle truth too, if you will.
> 
> I know this will rub a lot of you the wrong way. And I may be super naive. But I am going to do this a couple of weeks and see if she is really ready to put this behind her and start working on us.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Sad , I see a husband protecting the man his wife is cheating with. Carry on as you are making excuses why you will not share the information after all it is as much the OM's wife's right to read the texts as it is yours. Shame, your not naive you looked for the one set of advice to give you an out. 

What happens in the OM's household is his issue , his wife will decide what to do with the information . 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thrway214

This may well Play itself out quite quickly. I don't expect my wife to change on a dime.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

5stringpicker said:


> That's about as good an explanation as I could hear. The biggest problem is that most are forced into "defogging" because they got their azz caught. With that, I'm not sure how sincere the defogging is. I know that once you cross that line, its gets much easier the next time and its damn hard to stop. Something in your life caused you to cross that line, and chances are that "something" is still going to haunt you.


 That is exactly why the betrayed spouse HAS to be firm, strong, and unyielding in what the cheater has to do for the betrayed to be willling to 'keep' the cheater. For the immediate future, the cheater HAS to do what the BS says in terms of transparency, until the fog clears. And if the cheater refuses, the BS needs to be willing to end the marriage. Think of Tough Love for kids on drugs. It's the only way to get them clean.


----------



## thrway214

I am still here guys, reading and keeping to myself a bit. I am going through one of my darker days. I feel a bit cheap for having negotiated down on the texts. My WW seems to be backsliding on a few things. She plans to move out of the house. I don't believe she has stopped contact yet. She is not ready for transparency. I have told her I will file if she doesn't stay in the house. 

I am really sad about the kids now. They are already children of a broken marriage and the cycle has continued one more generation. What I am most scared of now is that I will have to deal with my ex wife's craziness and instability from a distance. She will hurt the kids, and even if I provide a safer home myself, I will still be dealing with her ****.

There are so many more stories of recidivism in waywards than complete turnarounds. Sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

Send the OMW the logs. Doesn't look like you have anything to lose at this point.

I'm sorry she's being obstinate. Keep up with the 180 and take care of yourself.


----------



## Eli-Zor

thrway214 said:


> I am still here guys, reading and keeping to myself a bit. I am going through one of my darker days. I feel a bit cheap for having negotiated down on the texts. My WW seems to be backsliding on a few things. She plans to move out of the house. I don't believe she has stopped contact yet. She is not ready for transparency. I have told her I will file if she doesn't stay in the house.
> 
> I am really sad about the kids now. They are already children of a broken marriage and the cycle has continued one more generation. What I am most scared of now is that I will have to deal with my ex wife's craziness and instability from a distance. She will hurt the kids, and even if I provide a safer home myself, I will still be dealing with her ****.
> 
> There are so many more stories of recidivism in waywards than complete turnarounds. Sad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is not an insult ; your a fool to believe her and make deals , we have learnt from the experience of countless affairs that waywards lie to and manipulate their spouse for as long as they can maintain the upper hand. Your posting your status and yet you still fail to follow our advice. Send those text messages and man up , stop deceiving yourself and listening to your wife's threats .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem

thrway214 said:


> I am still here guys, reading and keeping to myself a bit. I am going through one of my darker days. I feel a bit cheap for having negotiated down on the texts. My WW seems to be backsliding on a few things. She plans to move out of the house. I don't believe she has stopped contact yet. She is not ready for transparency. I have told her I will file if she doesn't stay in the house.
> 
> I am really sad about the kids now. They are already children of a broken marriage and the cycle has continued one more generation. What I am most scared of now is that I will have to deal with my ex wife's craziness and instability from a distance. She will hurt the kids, and even if I provide a safer home myself, I will still be dealing with her ****.
> 
> There are so many more stories of recidivism in waywards than complete turnarounds. Sad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Okay, you posted on 03-01-2012, 02:34 PM, that she checked herself into a hospital. And now she's out and already planning to move out. That was a short hospital stay wasn't it? That's not even enough time for the mental health evaluation.

How are things moving so fast?


----------



## Chaparral

Are you afraid of this man? If he were stalking my wife he would be afraid of me. With very good reason. He wouldn't think of contacting her again.


----------



## pidge70

lordmayhem said:


> Okay, you posted on 03-01-2012, 02:34 PM, that she checked herself into a hospital. And now she's out and already planning to move out. That was a short hospital stay wasn't it? That's not even enough time for the mental health evaluation.
> 
> How are things moving so fast?


To be fair, one time I was hospitalized less than 24hrs after a suicide attempt. Of course after being hospitalized before, I kinda knew how to work the system. One of the "perks" of being BPD.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thrway214

It was hysterics. I thought I had posted an update. She was at the hospital (she is a physician). Had a panic attack.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

> Are you afraid of this man? If he were stalking my wife he would be afraid of me. With very good reason. He wouldn't think of contacting her again.


I don't get what is going on here. Call me dense, but who is afraid of who? Why doesn't your wife want you to give the OMW those logs? Is the OM threatening your wife, or is the OMW doing the threatening? This is all very murky. WTF is going on?


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## F-102

I know I'm late to this post, but from what I glean, your W doesn't want you to expose about the OTHER affair because, ten-to-one, it was with someone at his workplace (exposure will jeopardize his job, and will put in danger most, if not ALL, of his retirement, which your W and the OM are counting on) or someone related to the OMW, which will have his W take him to the cleaners, again, putting him in the poorhouse-no more sugar daddy!

And, as far as that gift, I would have graciously taken it, but on the way to the post office, I would have removed the gift, then found a dead squirrel on the side of the road...


----------



## Shaggy

thrway214 said:


> I feel a bit cheap for having negotiated down on the texts. My WW seems to be backsliding on a few things. She plans to move out of the house. I don't believe she has stopped contact yet.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why have you stopped the one thing that you were doing that was actually making a difference?

Here's the situation: 
1. You grew a pair and took charge, and it hurt the ongoing affair.
2. She told you to stop, and threatened that she would continue the affair if you didn't stop attacking the affair.
3. She had a "panic" attack because she was feeling like the affair would end because of your actions.
4. You caved and handed her the power.
5. She went right back to continuing the affair, and in fact now feels emboldened because she was able to get you to back down and help enable the affair.

You do see the path out here don't you? It's to go back to step 1 and keep it up and see it through.

It's like you went on the ball court and shot a couple of points, and the other team said "hey, stop shooting points or we will stop playing the game", so you stopped, but they kept right on shooting baskets.

Seriously? How exactly do you see this working out in your favor if you won't take the medicine?


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## 5stringpicker

We want to believe that Thrway is wise enough to ask the question, "why should I care about someone I can’t trust". She's playing him like a $5 yard sale guitar. And all the time she is practically screaming, " I want my legs wrapped around the guy in the number 1 position and guess what, that's not you. " He should be saying, "Listen, doll, I really think you like your boyfriend more than me, so I want you to spend all your time with him. And in the meantime, I'm going to be looking for a model a few years younger and in better shape than you." 
But Thrway has the overwhelming fear of abandonment that renders him inept to stand his ground. Like most in his situation they use the kids, finances, etc. as rationalization. But at the end of the day, we know the real problem. They just can't stand to be alone.


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## Eli-Zor

Why do you think your wife is threatening you?

She wants to protect the OM.
She wants to continue the affair.
She does not care if you hurt or love her.
She is thinking of herself and want she wants and your not what she wants.

Help clear the fog for your wife. Sending the full text content, highlighting the extra items you referred to will give his wife enough detail to overcome his trickle truthing her. Do you think he admitted his affair? I assure you he is describing you as a nut and gas lighting you. His wife needs the hard evidence to deal with him.

The OM is not likely to divorce his wife, his financial status will be in trouble if he does. He will have further issues when his children and siblings learn of his adultery.

This is a biggie for you, he will not trust your wife , that is in your faviour. You require friction between them , your wife needs to see and experience the pain of the affair.

Turn the screws , the way to save your marriage is to accept you have lost it. Retake the ground you lost by being firm and resilient in your demand for no contact and the affair to end . Send the information , say nothing to your wife and run the 180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

You negotiated when we told you not to. Why are you helping cover up this man's affairs? His wife asked you to be honest with her since he wont be so now, in essence, you are also deceiving her. She is the person i feel the most sympathy for. All three of you know the deal and are puposely keeping her in the dark. Its awful. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

thrway214 said:


> I am still here guys, reading and keeping to myself a bit. I am going through one of my darker days. I feel a bit cheap for having negotiated down on the texts. My WW seems to be backsliding on a few things. She plans to move out of the house. I don't believe she has stopped contact yet. She is not ready for transparency. I have told her I will file if she doesn't stay in the house.
> 
> I am really sad about the kids now. They are already children of a broken marriage and the cycle has continued one more generation. What I am most scared of now is that I will have to deal with my ex wife's craziness and instability from a distance. She will hurt the kids, and even if I provide a safer home myself, I will still be dealing with her ****.
> 
> There are so many more stories of recidivism in waywards than complete turnarounds. Sad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You made a deal with your wife not to send the info about the OM's second affair. I believe the way your wife is acting now the OM has persuaded his wife there was nothing really going on andthat you are crazy.

Deals off. Go talk to the OM's wife in person. It would be great if you could get your wife on tape talking about her and the OM and letting the OM's wife listen to it. Take the texts and have a talk with the OM's wife to see what she knows. 

I still think you should put the fear of God in the ba$tard. I just don't understand so many men just letting another man walk all over their family.


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## turnera

You really do need to talk to OMW. For your own sanity, if nothing else. 

One thing I've learned over the years is this: men who avoid doing what they know is right because they fear their wayward wife will leave them...have already lost.


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## Chaparral

Who is the other man? You never did tell us why you thought he or your wife might be in danger.


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## thrway214

The full package is going out this week. Two things have changed: my wife says she needs to move out of the house for a few days, and two, she said she didn't care if I sent the whole package, because she isn't friends with OM anymore.

I sometimes feel like the detoxing/defogging has begun, and my w is saying a few things in the right direction. But I continue to see a lot of blame shifting, rationalization etc. she is still not prepared for total transparency. She isn't putting kids first. It is still all about her.

50% chance of filing in two weeks. This chick still thinks I am not serious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thrway214

chapparal said:


> Who is the other man? You never did tell us why you thought he or your wife might be in danger.


I think the OW in previous affair is either family friend or there is a child involved. My W indicated that his sons, who are adults, are capable of harming him. I now think that is a ruse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor

thrway214 said:


> I think the OW in previous affair is either family friend or there is a child involved. My W indicated that his sons, who are adults, are capable of harming him. I now think that is a ruse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ignore what your wife is saying, her words are simply to try and control you. Anyway it is not your problem it will be his.

If your wife moves out file, don't agree to a seperation as that is a tactic for her to have the freedom to play. When you file don't say anything to her, her being served will be the start of reality.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected]

she had 2 affairs?


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## Eli-Zor

If she moves out , change the locks and go dark. Make sure she is not using family monies , secure them in an account that she cannot raid. If your paying for her phone cut it off. Moving out is a prelude to seperation and divorce , let her feel the reality of single divorced life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

If she's a doctor, is she the primary breadwinner? Does she pay the majority of the bills? It might be tough for Thrwy to cut off the money. 

He might be the one getting cut off!


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## Jellybeans

Let her move out. Do not at all beg her to stay. Why are you still informing her of the package and of exposing the affairs? Have you not listened to anything? Her claiming he could be in danger is bull**** and more of an attempt to make you not tell his wife. You need to stop playing her game and start playing yours. Why are you letting her hold all the cards when she is the one in th wrong? @
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane

_"The full package is going out this week. Two things have changed: *my wife says *she needs to move out of the house for a few days, and two, *she said *she didn't care if I sent the whole package, because she isn't friends with OM anymore.

I sometimes feel like the detoxing/defogging has begun, and my w is saying a few things in the right direction. But I continue to see a lot of blame shifting, rationalization etc. she is still not prepared for total transparency. She isn't putting kids first. It is still all about her.

50% chance of filing in two weeks. *This chick still thinks I am not serious*."_

Your wife is extremely angry with you for standing up for yourself. Her actions since you have stood up to her have been those of an angry child throwing a temper tantrum to get her way. Stealing your computer. Acting very irrationally. Putting herself first and not thinking of anyone else. Very selfish and manipulative. These all are the actions of a spoiled child. She has become accustomed to being able to manipulate you. She is used to you backing down and expects you to cave. Just like with your kids, if you give in to a temper tantrum and they get their way, the next time it gets even worse. Well, your wife has been used to you giving in and getting her way. She is filled with rage that you are no longer allowing her to manipulate you. Ignore her manipulative words and actions and stand firm.

Do yourself a favor and file right away. Don't wait for two weeks and don't wait for her to move out. She will not start to work this out with you until you file. She will continue to try to manipulate. Of course she doesn't think you are serious yet. You have always backed down in the past and she expects to be able to get her way now. My kids know when I say I'm going to give you x amount of time to do what I ask or else I will do x they wait until one minute before and then finally do it, or they wait until the time has passed to see if I will actually do it. Your wife is acting just like this. She is used to you backing down and expects you to cave. However long you wait to file, that's how much extra pain you're putting yourself through.


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## Chaparral

thrway214 said:


> The full package is going out this week. Two things have changed: my wife says she needs to move out of the house for a few days, and two, she said she didn't care if I sent the whole package, because she isn't friends with OM anymore.
> 
> I sometimes feel like the detoxing/defogging has begun, and my w is saying a few things in the right direction. But I continue to see a lot of blame shifting, rationalization etc. she is still not prepared for total transparency. She isn't putting kids first. It is still all about her.
> 
> 50% chance of filing in two weeks. This chick still thinks I am not serious.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nothing has changed except she's leaving you. Duh

Your posts reek of neediness, weakness, clingyness. Of course she doesn't think you will file. Neither do I. At least in the near future. You tell her everything. You will be on the floor groveling next. Don't you see your actions are making her want to run from you? You have literally been out maned by a geriatric old man. They have made you their *****. 

She sats she doesn't care if you send him the texts. She's LYING She no longer cares for him.. LYYYYYYYYIIIINNNNGGGG.

The only thing you have accomplished with talking to her is............. she's moving out.

You have put your head in the sand. If you don't pull it out now, kiss your family goodbye.


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## Shaggy

I think your refusing to send things has bought her and him time to make some plans.

I don't see any fog clearing here - she's still selfish, lying, protecting the affair etc. 

Rules of her moving out: 

1. She pays for all of it herself - not a dime from you. You need to move money and paychecks into accounts she can't access, and to cut off any shared CC before she goes.

2. If you haven't already get a VAR in her car.

3. you change the locks the moment she goes. She is out - no popping back home when you aren't there. If she comes over - you need to know when.

4. If you can afford it, find a PI and have someone monitor her after she leaves - at least the first 48 hours. You'll find out who she's planning on hooking up with.


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## Beowulf

Will_Kane said:


> _"The full package is going out this week. Two things have changed: *my wife says *she needs to move out of the house for a few days, and two, *she said *she didn't care if I sent the whole package, because she isn't friends with OM anymore.
> 
> I sometimes feel like the detoxing/defogging has begun, and my w is saying a few things in the right direction. But I continue to see a lot of blame shifting, rationalization etc. she is still not prepared for total transparency. She isn't putting kids first. It is still all about her.
> 
> 50% chance of filing in two weeks. *This chick still thinks I am not serious*."_
> 
> Your wife is extremely angry with you for standing up for yourself. Her actions since you have stood up to her have been those of an angry child throwing a temper tantrum to get her way. Stealing your computer. Acting very irrationally. Putting herself first and not thinking of anyone else. Very selfish and manipulative. These all are the actions of a spoiled child. She has become accustomed to being able to manipulate you. She is used to you backing down and expects you to cave. Just like with your kids, if you give in to a temper tantrum and they get their way, the next time it gets even worse. Well, your wife has been used to you giving in and getting her way. She is filled with rage that you are no longer allowing her to manipulate you. Ignore her manipulative words and actions and stand firm.
> 
> Do yourself a favor and file right away. Don't wait for two weeks and don't wait for her to move out. She will not start to work this out with you until you file. She will continue to try to manipulate. Of course she doesn't think you are serious yet. You have always backed down in the past and she expects to be able to get her way now. My kids know when I say I'm going to give you x amount of time to do what I ask or else I will do x they wait until one minute before and then finally do it, or they wait until the time has passed to see if I will actually do it. Your wife is acting just like this. She is used to you backing down and expects you to cave. However long you wait to file, that's how much extra pain you're putting yourself through.


And this woman is a doctor? I hope she never has to treat me for anything!


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## thrway214

My WW has only had one affair. The OM has had past affairs and is desperate to keep them secret.
I am sending out the whole package of texts. 
Since my last update, my wife says they have had cut things off, and she is ready to move on. 
I am not informing her of anything. 
I have made it clear that if she doesn't go on a family trip that was planned months ago, I am filing. Same with her moving out. 
She is the bigger breadwinner, but not only. The common accts are well protected. She can only move some smaller cash amounts around, which I have too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane

*"my wife says they have had cut things off"*

Ignore everything she says. Pay attention only to actions.


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## Chaparral

thrway214 said:


> My WW has only had one affair. The OM has had past affairs and is desperate to keep them secret.
> I am sending out the whole package of texts.
> Since my last update, my wife says they have had cut things off, and she is ready to move on.
> I am not informing her of anything.
> I have made it clear that if she doesn't go on a family trip that was planned months ago, I am filing. Same with her moving out.
> I plan to put a couple of VARs in place this week.
> She is the bigger breadwinner, but not only. The common accts are well protected. She can only move some smaller cash amounts around, which I have too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:

good luck and prayers


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## Will_Kane

"I am not informing her of anything."

"I have made it clear that if she doesn't go on a family trip that was planned months ago, I am filing. Same with her moving out." 

You say that you are not informing her of anything, and then you state that you informed her of what you plan to do.


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## Jellybeans

You still don't get it. Why are you inviting her on a vacation when she is disrespecting you so badly? Youre threatening to divorce her if,she doesn't go? Really? She's already told you she's moving out. Let her go. Why are u trying to hold onto someone who is stabbing you with a knife? Ugh. You better wake up fast but i feel you wont. Sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

Will_Kane said:


> "I am not informing her of anything."
> 
> "I have made it clear that if she doesn't go on a family trip that was planned months ago, I am filing. Same with her moving out."
> 
> You say that you are not informing her of anything, and then you state that you informed her of what you plan to do.


Well thththats nit picky:rofl:.


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## Chaparral

I must be in the minority but what you have done just might work. Divorce will always be an option. But if you gave her conditions and she breaks them, file immediately. As a matter of fact you should already be making an appt with an atty.


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## thrway214

I have talked to atty, which he found out because atty came recommended by mutual friend.
Not going on vacation, which was already planned and is for the kids, with two other families, will e free license for her to meet OM, if A is still in.
Moving out to an apartment will be the same. At least this way, unexplained absences can remain an issue.
I agree, I am not readin ANYTHING into her words. Her actions are slowly starting to change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thrway214

So, apparently, OM threatened to "**** up my world" if I continue ****ing with him. I am still working on the package of logs and texts, but any suggestions at this point? Is there a reason to not send a physical copy, but offer to show her everything at a coffee shop? Legally speaking? 

Wife brigs up the texts a lot now, says I am prolonging the pain, hurting OMW, etc. All this while I neither confirm or deny or say anything about anything. She is closer to remorse than any time in the past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

thrway214 said:


> So, apparently, OM threatened to "**** up my world" if I continue ****ing with him. I am still working on the package of logs and texts, but any suggestions at this point? Is there a reason to not send a physical copy, but offer to show her everything at a coffee shop? Legally speaking?
> 
> Wife brigs up the texts a lot now, says I am prolonging the pain, hurting OMW, etc. All this while I neither confirm or deny or say anything about anything. She is closer to remorse than any time in the past.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who told you he was going to ++++ your world? 

She's obviously still contacting him.


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## bandit.45

Yeah, your wife is his little spy.

Quit talking to that b*tch wife of yours. What the hell is the matter with you? Stop wasting time and get that packet to his wife any way you can.


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## [email protected]

how is this remorse? she's protecting him? what steps has she done for u?


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## bandit.45

Oh and ignore his threats. He's 64 dude. C'mon, really? If you can't take a 64 year old on you are a puss. Unless he's like some kind of martial arts expert.


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## warlock07

Ask your wife to shut up.

And the OM has already f*cked your world...No need to worry about that. Ask him to roll over and ...


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## inmygut

thrway214 said:


> So, apparently, OM threatened to "**** up my world" if I continue ****ing with him. I am still working on the package of logs and texts, but any suggestions at this point? Is there a reason to not send a physical copy, but offer to show her everything at a coffee shop? Legally speaking?
> 
> Wife brigs up the texts a lot now, says I am prolonging the pain, hurting OMW, etc. All this while I neither confirm or deny or say anything about anything. She is closer to remorse than any time in the past.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you for real? People on this site have given you great advice. You chose to ignore it. Good luck with the groveling strategy. Actions, not words. Don't tell your wife what you are going to do. Just do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

It has become clear to me that his wife is much, much smarter than he is.

She has outmaneuvered him at every turn.


----------



## Eli-Zor

thrway214 said:


> So, apparently, OM threatened to "**** up my world" if I continue ****ing with him. I am still working on the package of logs and texts, but any suggestions at this point? Is there a reason to not send a physical copy, but offer to show her everything at a coffee shop? Legally speaking?
> 
> Wife brigs up the texts a lot now, says I am prolonging the pain, hurting OMW, etc. All this while I neither confirm or deny or say anything about anything. She is closer to remorse than any time in the past.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The only way you would know what the OM is saying is if he is talking to your wife. If it is true what he is saying it shows he is more than a bit worried you are going to blow his world up. It also shows your wife is putting maximum pressure on you to not expose the deails of her F---buddies lies to his wife so she can carry on the affair.

Make sure you speak to his wife and agree two ways of sending the logs , electronically and a paper copy. She must confirm she has received them.

Why have you not sent the information already ? I think your looking for yet another excuse not to do this. How many days ago did we say send the info and where are we now, still on limbo, still procrastinating because of your fear to do what has to be done to save your mariage . Start acting like the head of the house and send the information .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Procrastination is all it is.

He's scared.


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## lordmayhem

thrway214 said:


> So, apparently, OM threatened to "**** up my world" if I continue ****ing with him. I am still working on the package of logs and texts, but any suggestions at this point? Is there a reason to not send a physical copy, but offer to show her everything at a coffee shop? Legally speaking?
> 
> Wife brigs up the texts a lot now, says I am prolonging the pain, hurting OMW, etc. All this while I neither confirm or deny or say anything about anything. She is closer to remorse than any time in the past.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_












So how would OM know all this and threaten you if your WW was not still in contact with him and you telling her all your plans? Obviously she has broken NC and is still protecting her OM. That should tell you everything right there about where she stands.

The number 1 rule of exposure is NEVER tell your WS that you are going to expose. You've already lost the edge here. OM has already most likely spun the story to his wife about some crazy, jealous husband of his "friend" who is going to try and break up their marriage and NOT to believe anything that this batsh!t crazy husband will tell her.

So now, you may encounter resistance and denial from the OMW. She may not even bother to even LOOK at the evidence you might send her. But you need to do it anyway, what she does with the evidence is her problem. Its the right thing to do. If she deletes the evidence without looking at it, then there's nothing you can do. 

OM will also be on the lookout to intercept any communication between you and his BW. Now exposure is much more difficult because you've been telling your WW that you might expose OM. Just do it already.


----------



## Shaggy

thrway214 said:


> So, apparently, OM threatened to "**** up my world" if I continue ****ing with him. I am still working on the package of logs and texts, but any suggestions at this point? Is there a reason to not send a physical copy, but offer to show her everything at a coffee shop? Legally speaking?
> 
> Wife brigs up the texts a lot now, says I am prolonging the pain, hurting OMW, etc. All this while I neither confirm or deny or say anything about anything. She is closer to remorse than any time in the past.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is very very good news!

First - it tells you that you are having an impact with exposure! 

Second - he's still very much in contact with your wife.

Third - she'll acting as his agent and is still choosing her AP over her marriage.

So you know that giving these things to his wife will help hurt the affair, will make it costly for him to continue in it, and that you still need to do these things because the affair is still very much active.

Oh, and as for %^%^ your world - yeah he's already done that by being part of the affair. What he can do is done and over, it's your turn now.


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## Beowulf

Why do these people not listen? The reason many of these situations end up in divorce is because they do not heed the advice they're given. Everyone here has gone through this at one point or another. We come here and offer advice because we care. Some have reconciled, some have divorced but all have been through hell and want to try to help others in the same situation. OP, you are causing your marriage's demise step by step. When you get racked over the coals in divorce court you will wonder why you didn't heed the advice given here.


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## vickyyy

perfect doormat !


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## turnera

thrway214 said:


> So, apparently, OM threatened to "**** up my world" if I continue ****ing with him. I am still working on the package of logs and texts, but any suggestions at this point? Is there a reason to not send a physical copy, but offer to show her everything at a coffee shop? Legally speaking?
> 
> Wife brigs up the texts a lot now, says I am prolonging the pain, hurting OMW, etc. All this while I neither confirm or deny or say anything about anything. She is closer to remorse than any time in the past.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course she tells you that. You're screwing up her fantasy. Do you seriously think she CARES that OMW is 'hurting?' Hell, SHE caused the pain! What a crock.

As for OM, go straight to the police station and file a report that you have been threatened. GET IT IN THEIR RECORDS.

And of course you should give OMW every single bit of detail.

What are you afraid of?


----------



## lordmayhem

For one thing, some senior citizens can kick ass.


----------



## always_hopefull

thrway214 said:


> So, apparently, OM threatened to "**** up my world" if I continue ****ing with him. I am still working on the package of logs and texts, but any suggestions at this point? Is there a reason to not send a physical copy, but offer to show her everything at a coffee shop? Legally speaking?
> 
> Wife brigs up the texts a lot now, says I am prolonging the pain, hurting OMW, etc. All this while I neither confirm or deny or say anything about anything. She is closer to remorse than any time in the past.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## always_hopefull

always_hopefull said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As for the OM's threats file a police report, as for your wife, sit her down and tell her that you are not causing the OMW any pain. You are just informing her of her H and your W's actions. Then tell your W that you are sure that the OMW appreciates her concern at this time, however maybe she should have been more concerned for her feelings before she slept with her H.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## always_hopefull

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## always_hopefull

Thrway I get the feeling that you may be holding back giving the information to the OMW by using it as a bargaining tool with your wife. Let me tell you something that I've learned through my experiences. We cannot change anyone, this creature you see is what is left of your wife. Think of it as a type of personality cancer. She will never ever be the same no matter how hard YOU try. She is gone! This man is destroying your family and prolonging the pain of your children. For gods sake man go scorched earth. Let everyone know, hell put up a billboard with the best texts. Your wife may or may not be coming out of her fog, but I truly believe yours is thicker. Quit worrying about everything and take the opportunity to show your children you are going to fight for your marriage. Believe me the OM will be far too busy with his wife to worry about your W. Think of it as ruining his fun. 

That was my opinion as a BS should act, as a BS I would like to know everything and I mean everything. Her marriage is based on lies, you have the opportunity to give this woman the truth, possibly some closure. Be kind to her, be truthful and honest, let her make an informed decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran

coward to tell the truth, coward to face the reality. How can we expect his wife to respect and love such a coward what he may have been through out their marriage. she lost her respect and love for him, so when she saw OM she left him for ever !!!! Everyone know this, except this man.

She is trying to stop exposure by acting as remorseful, this guy blindly buys that. she is in contact with OM but says she is not contacting. he buys that also, information given by his wife is using for threatening him- a perfect doormat and cuckold.

Is he for real or a troll.


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## Beowulf

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Is he for real or a troll.


Sadly I'm pretty sure he's for real. And there are many more like him which is why so many men can take or at least borrow their wives.


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## warlock07

I think we are a little too harsh on the OP .Some posts bordering on abuse here. A little restraint might be needed here. It is his life that is at stake here and maybe he isn't sure what steps to take. We will try to give him the best advice possible and we can only hope everything turns out well. He has enough problems in his life already


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## LostWifeCrushed

Yeah, I am sorry to say, this is probably very real.

I agree that he is really trying to cope with some crazy-making from the WW.

Sorry this is happening. Take the advice. Tell the OMW. Everything.


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## thrway214

Bandit, I am not sure how going on a blitz is a good "manouver". I feel like I hold the cards right now. *My call to OMW has had its intended effect.* OMW and OM are focused on each other right now. For now, the WW _sounds_ like she is on track back. There have been one or two mascara running incidents. My 180 is fairly well in place, but with room for her to talk to me. I know she continues to be anxious about the texts I hold. The OM is scared that I will reveal everything, and has stayed away AFAICT. 

As of today, the WW has agreed not to move out and to join the kids and me on vacation. I think I am getting what I want right now. 

Of course, this might all fail. But I'd feel better with an ace or two in my hand.


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## gpa

thrway214 said:


> Wife brigs up the texts a lot now, says I am prolonging the pain, hurting OMW, etc. All this while I neither confirm or deny or say anything about anything. She is closer to remorse than any time in the past.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I really believe that she is testing y to see if y will stand up and act like a man to take her back.


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## Eli-Zor

And sending the information to the OM's wife?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

thrway214 said:


> So, apparently, OM threatened to "**** up my world" if I continue ****ing with him. I am still working on the package of logs and texts, but any suggestions at this point? Is there a reason to not send a physical copy, but offer to show her everything at a coffee shop? Legally speaking?
> 
> Wife brigs up the texts a lot now, says I am prolonging the pain, hurting OMW, etc. All this while I neither confirm or deny or say anything about anything. She is closer to remorse than any time in the past.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh dear GAWD. 

And just how did OM threaten to "****" up your world? Did he tell your wife to tell you this (translation: they are still in contact). Did he tell you directly (if so, block him from your phone completely. Bu tnot before telling him to "F off.")

Don't you get it? the only way OM knows about you even being able to "f***" up his world is because your wife would have TOLD HIM that you were about to expose the other affairs to his WIFE. 

GET IT????????????????????????????????????? 

Omg. You need to wake up and see what is going on here. Why are you afraid of him? Who gives a rat's a$$ about him. He is an idiot who had no problems "F***"ing up your world. So why would care anything about what he says?

What I don't understand is why you STILL haven't shared all this with his wife? What is the HOLD UP?! 

She asked you to be honest with her cause he won't be and yet you are still putting off telling her the truth.

WHY? 

The OM and your wife do not have your best interest. At all. They betrayed your marriage. See that for what it is. 

THEY BETRAYED YOUR MARRIAGE.

Keep on repeating that til it sticks.

Your wife is't anywhere near owning or remorse or guilt or anything. Stop telling her what your plans are. It's bad. 

Did she even give your computer back yet (after she took it and hid it from you). Ugh. 

This is so .... :banghead::banghead::banghead:


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## warlock07

You cannot blackmail someone back into a relationship. And they will just take it underground, waiting for a chance. She is playing nice because you conceded to her threats. The OM will assume that you were scared of his threats and will resume once things get back to normal. That old cunning fox.


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## Jellybeans

gpa said:


> I really believe that she is testing y to see if y will stand up and act like a man to take her back.


I don't. What I see is a selfish woman who doesn't want him to expose the affair cause then it means it's really over for her (the affair). She does not give a sh*t about the OP. Not when she is acting like this.


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## gpa

Eli-Zor said:


> And sending the information to the OM's wife?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If this is for me, yes i think he has to do it. He has to prove to her that he is a hunter.


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## warlock07

Jellybeans said:


> Oh dear GAWD.
> 
> And just how did OM threaten to "****" up your world? Did he tell your wife to tell you this (translation: they are still in contact). Did he tell you directly (if so, block him from your phone completely. Bu tnot before telling him to "F off.")
> 
> Don't you get it? the only way OM knows about you even being able to "f***" up his world is because your wife would have TOLD HIM that you were about to expose the other affairs to his WIFE.
> 
> GET IT?????????????????????????????????????
> 
> Omg. You need to wake up and see what is going on here. Why are you afraid of him? Who gives a rat's a$$ about him. He is an idiot who had no problems "F***"ing up your world. So why would care anything about what he says?
> 
> What I don't understand is why you STILL haven't shared all this with his wife? What is the HOLD UP?!
> 
> She asked you to be honest with her cause he won't be and yet you are still putting off telling her the truth.
> 
> WHY?
> 
> The OM and your wife do not have your best interest. At all. They betrayed your marriage. See that for what it is.
> 
> THEY BETRAYED YOUR MARRIAGE.
> 
> Keep on repeating that til it sticks.
> 
> Your wife is't anywhere near owning or remorse or guilt or anything. Stop telling her what your plans are. It's bad.
> 
> Did she even give your computer back yet (after she took it and hid it from you). Ugh.
> 
> This is so .... :banghead::banghead::banghead:



I think the OP is concerned that the OM will have free reign to come after his wife if the OMW separates from him due to the texts. And the OM will do it with a vengeance. He is trying to fix it with a short term solution to the whole thing. OP, I think you still have 20 -30 years left to live easily.


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## tacoma

thrway214 said:


> Bandit, I am not sure how going on a blitz is a good "manouver". I feel like I hold the cards right now. *My call to OMW has had its intended effect.* OMW and OM are focused on each other right now. For now, the WW _sounds_ like she is on track back. There have been one or two mascara running incidents. My 180 is fairly well in place, but with room for her to talk to me. I know she continues to be anxious about the texts I hold. The OM is scared that I will reveal everything, and has stayed away AFAICT.
> 
> As of today, the WW has agreed not to move out and to join the kids and me on vacation. I think I am getting what I want right now.
> 
> Of course, this might all fail. But I'd feel better with an ace or two in my hand.


You are making a mistake.

Expose all evidence you have to the OMW or you will regret it.

You`ve done nothing but throw some fear into them and they are working on getting past it and going underground.

Expose, blow it up.


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## tacoma

warlock07 said:


> I think the OP is concerned that the OM will have free reign to come after his wife if the OMW separates from him due to the texts. And the OM will do it with a vengeance. He is looking at a short term solution to the whole thing.


Yeah but that fear is irrelevant considering the fact that his wife will accept the OM`s advances long term or short term.

He doesn`t have a wife to lose, she`s already lost.


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## Jellybeans

warlock07 said:


> I think the OP is concerned that the OM will have free reign to come after his wife if the OMW separates from him due to the texts. And the OM will do it with a vengeance. He is trying to fix it with a short term solution to the whole thing. OP, I think you still have 20 -30 years left to live easily.


Even if he exposes, the affair ending is entirely up to his wife and the OM. OP doesn't get a say in ending the affair.

It has NOTHING to do with whether he exposes or not. The only people who can end the affair all on their own is the wife and the OM (or, rather, one of them). 

If OP thinks OM will go after his wife because of a few texts, he's got it all wrong.

The oM will go after her regardless or anything so ti's irrelevant. 

It's up to HER to say "This ends today. I don't want to continue this affair. Get the hell out of my life." 

OP's fear is USELESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.


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## Eli-Zor

Jellybeans said:


> Oh dear GAWD.
> 
> And just how did OM threaten to "****" up your world? Did he tell your wife to tell you this (translation: they are still in contact). Did he tell you directly (if so, block him from your phone completely. Bu tnot before telling him to "F off.")
> 
> Don't you get it? the only way OM knows about you even being able to "f***" up his world is because your wife would have TOLD HIM that you were about to expose the other affairs to his WIFE.
> 
> GET IT?????????????????????????????????????
> 
> Omg. You need to wake up and see what is going on here. Why are you afraid of him? Who gives a rat's a$$ about him. He is an idiot who had no problems "F***"ing up your world. So why would care anything about what he says?
> 
> What I don't understand is why you STILL haven't shared all this with his wife? What is the HOLD UP?!
> 
> She asked you to be honest with her cause he won't be and yet you are still putting off telling her the truth.
> 
> WHY?
> 
> The OM and your wife do not have your best interest. At all. They betrayed your marriage. See that for what it is.
> 
> THEY BETRAYED YOUR MARRIAGE.
> 
> Keep on repeating that til it sticks.
> 
> Your wife is't anywhere near owning or remorse or guilt or anything. Stop telling her what your plans are. It's bad.
> 
> Did she even give your computer back yet (after she took it and hid it from you). Ugh.
> 
> This is so .... :banghead::banghead::banghead:


So finely said , sometimes I despair. Every day gone is a day lost to stopping the affair. 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor

As for you blackmailing her if you think she dislikes you now she will hate you going forward, no one likes a blackmailer. If you expose everything to the OM's wife your wife will be angry but that will blow over. In the future she will see the light and know you fought for the marriage. Withholding the information as a threat will lead to more strife and she will know how to deal with you when she takes this affair further underground .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm

You need to earn your wife's respect. A woman can't love someone they don't respect.

Blackmailing her into going on a holiday will only make her respect you less. 

Give everything you know to the OMW! Don't tell your wife. When she find out, tell her you did this because it is the right thing to do. Don't let her make you feel guilty, just keep reminding her that she screwed the OMW's husband. 

You should tell your wife that you are going on the holiday with your kids. That you are moving on with your life without her. 

If you want her back, and you want it for keeps, you are going to have to leave her. This will make her think. It will make her respect you. You may still lose her, but it is the only way to ever get her back and be able to believe she wants to be there.


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## Jellybeans

SadSamIAm said:


> You need to earn your wife's respect. A woman can't love someone they don't respect.
> 
> Blackmailing her into going on a holiday will only make her respect you less.
> 
> Give everything you know to the OMW! Don't tell your wife. When she find out, tell her you did this because it is the right thing to do. Don't let her make you feel guilty, just keep reminding her that she screwed the OMW's husband.


And she also needs to earn his respect. I agree he needs to expose STAT. This thread is pissing me off.


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## bandit.45

I just don't get any of the OP's thought processes. 

Really. I just sit here shaking my head 

Reading this thread gives me a headache. I think Ill refrain from posting any more and check back in three weeks to see how the OP got his a*s handed to him by his wife and her lover. 

Good luck OP! Hope a miracle happens and it works out for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

warlock07 said:


> You cannot blackmail someone back into a relationship.


What he's doing is prolonged cohersion. As a matter of psychology, there is nothing worse that he could possibly do. The emotions prolonged cohersion illicit are ugly. Mostly deep resentment and hostility. 

What he is getting for himself by doing this is a false sense of power and control. Because of his acute feelings of helplessness and pain, this false control is a painkiller, very temporary medication.

The cost of this "fix" is going to be brutal. You can not continue to hold this over their heads.

OP, I realize your very unlikely to listen. But for the record, you sir are f*cking up in spades right now.


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## SprucHub

thrway214 said:


> Bandit, I am not sure how going on a blitz is a good "manouver". I feel like I hold the cards right now. *My call to OMW has had its intended effect.* OMW and OM are focused on each other right now. For now, the WW _sounds_ like she is on track back. There have been one or two mascara running incidents. My 180 is fairly well in place, but with room for her to talk to me. I know she continues to be anxious about the texts I hold. The OM is scared that I will reveal everything, and has stayed away AFAICT.
> 
> As of today, the WW has agreed not to move out and to join the kids and me on vacation. I think I am getting what I want right now.
> 
> Of course, this might all fail. But I'd feel better with an ace or two in my hand.


She is giving you what you want to protect him!!! She is holding the cards. Do the right thing, do not play her game. Play your game. If your wife's soulmate wanted to keep his past affairs a secret, he should have kept them a secret. Send a package before going on your vacation. Then you'll be gone for the fallout. 

Blackmailing her will not bring about remorse. It will make you look like an ass.


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## LostWifeCrushed

Expose all you know to the OMW. No blackmailing. You are not getting anything you want! Your wife may be there on holiday, but who wants a spouse who has to be *coerced * into spending time with them????

Take the kids and go without her. If anyone asks, say "she wasn't feeling well" and ask about their lives.....

Its easy. Have her served. I am sorry you have such an unremorseful partner.


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## Complexity

Your wife has you under check OP


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## turnera

So does OMW have the package now?


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## SprucHub

SprucHub said:


> She is giving you what you want to protect him!!! She is holding the cards. Do the right thing, do not play her game. Play your game. If your wife's soulmate wanted to keep his past affairs a secret, he should have kept them a secret. Send a package before going on your vacation. Then you'll be gone for the fallout.
> 
> Blackmailing her will not bring about remorse. It will make you look like an ass.


Actually, she is blackmailing you. If you don't tell, she'll act the good wife. Self sacrice for her soulmate - how noble. You do not have an ace up your sleeve, she's holding the cards. Expose him, with the detailed texts, and let the cards fall. 

Wouldn't you want to know if you were her. How would you feel if someone had this information about your wife but kept it from you. Take the high ground - no games.


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## Beowulf

To the OP,

I'm sorry if some of my comments were overly harsh. I really do feel for you since I was in a very similar situation to yours. That's probably why I get so frustrated watching you make some of the same mistakes that I and many others here did. But it is your life and it is your wife. Deal with it how you see fit and good luck.


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## crazyconfused

This is going to sound really corny but I am gonna go for you. 
First let's establish some facts

-all is fair in love and war
-right now your wife and the OM are your enemy. You may not agree, but she is definitely not working for for your marriage right now. 

So we have established you are at war. 
One of the first maxims of war is to deny your enemy the initiative. Don't react to their moves thier moves in plain English, make them react to yours. That's the only way your gonna come out on top. 

Your wife is doing what's called a false retreat. She is showing you what you want to see until she gets you where she wants you, then she's gonna nail you bud. She is manipulating you and you can't even see it man. 

Essentially I am telling you what everyone else is telling you to do and send the d*** evidence. 

For what it's worth, I hope you drop her like a hot rock. She has in essence chosen him over you. You deserve better than that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thrway214

A lot of you read snippets of posts, and start hectoring. Let me see if I can give you a good, clear update on where I stand. 


WW, clearly, not in remorse. Blame-shifting, rationalizing, minimizing, grandstanding, what not.


The affair has stopped/paused. There is no contact per my monitoring. OM's threats helped turn her away.


She still feels guilty that HER texts to OM, now in my hands, may lead to a lot of pain and suffering for OMW and OM. I have not told her anything about whether I have sent them or not. I fully intend to get the information to OMW, currently unsure about putting it in the mail vs. meeting F2F.


180, and constant pressure from me about the ridiculousness of her positions on marriage and her behavior are driving her crazy.
My insistence on her going on the trip and not moving out were designed to increase the pressure. I am not blackmailing her to do anything. I know I cannot force or coerce her into remorse. I can pressure-test her commitment to the family, however.


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## Jellybeans

So you still haven't sent the OMW's the information she requested.

I see. 

You said: "Constant pressure from me about the ridiculousness of her positions on marriage & her behavior are driving her crazy."

Thrway--"constant pressure" doesn't work with a wayward. In fact, it has the opposite effect. Letting her go and tellingi her "Do what you want because I will not be in an open marriage--I deserve better" and exposing the affair to OMW is the only thing that works. "More of the same" does not work.

You are still in a fog of your own. I wish you good luck. Cause it seems you will be there for awhile.


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## LostWifeCrushed

This is such an easy one! Drop the bomb! Sheeeesh.

It is very noble of her to want to spare the OM and OMW's feelings... Don't you think? 

WHAT ABOUT YOU????

There is no pressure you can put on her while you are playing her game....she is winning because you are too busy "testing her commitment to the family".....Why are you doing this? She already tossed that into the garbage a long time ago. You already have the answer to this test. You just don't like the answer.

The OMW deserves to know everything, yesterday. And you will feel wholebunches better.


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## turnera

Wouldn't it make more sense for HER to decide if she wants to go on the trip and then sit back and see if she has the fortitude to NOT cheat on you if she stays? At least then you will see the REAL her, not the one you have coerced into acting like a good girl to avoid trouble.

And let me ask you this: How would YOU feel if some woman contacted you and told you your wife was cheating with her husband, said she would send you proof, and then disappeared? Man up.


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## Almostrecovered

wow, it's been a week since you said you would turn over the texts


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## Jellybeans

turnera said:


> And let me ask you this: How would YOU feel if some woman contacted you and told you your wife was cheating with her husband, said she would send you proof, and then disappeared? Man up.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Also, another thing on you thinking "constant pressure" is the way--it isn't. The oppsite is the only thing that works with a wayward: FREEDOM.

I suggest you find Morituri's thread on here called "Just Let Them Go" and heed the advice.

Do you want someone to be with you cause they are "pressured" or of their own free will?

Sometimes when you give someone exactly what they want and release them, they end up not liking it so much: they have to face the fact there is no fallback anymore (you) and they may see the grass ain't that green after all.

"You want out? No problem. I am not holding you back. I deserve better."

You hold a lot of power. Use it.


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## crossbar

Uggh...really?

Okay, inventory of progress...

1. keylogger installed- probably not
2. contacted higher ups in the church- probably not
3. VAR installed and placed- probably not
4. retrieved text files from the computer- probably not
5. exposed to the OMW- probably not
6. followed up on the police report to see if they questioned him- probably not.
7. demand that he gets transferred- probably not
8. ask your wife for a polygraph- probably not
9. DNA testing on the kids- probably not.

Just what EXACTLY are you doing? I'm about ready to give up.


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## F-102

thrway214 said:


> A lot of you read snippets of posts, and start hectoring. Let me see if I can give you a good, clear update on where I stand.
> 
> 
> WW, clearly, not in remorse. Blame-shifting, rationalizing, minimizing, grandstanding, what not.
> 
> 
> The affair has stopped/paused. There is no contact per my monitoring. OM's threats helped turn her away.
> 
> 
> She still feels guilty that HER texts to OM, now in my hands, may lead to a lot of pain and suffering for OMW and OM. I have not told her anything about whether I have sent them or not. I fully intend to get the information to OMW, currently unsure about putting it in the mail vs. meeting F2F.
> 
> 
> 180, and constant pressure from me about the ridiculousness of her positions on marriage and her behavior are driving her crazy.
> My insistence on her going on the trip and not moving out were designed to increase the pressure. I am not blackmailing her to do anything. I know I cannot force or coerce her into remorse. I can pressure-test her commitment to the family, however.


Constant Pressure...

...hmmm.

The U.S. put "constant pressure" on North Vietnam to act as a carrot and stick, in order to make them realize that further hostility was futile.

And now there is a black wall in Washington with 50,000 names on it.

And North Vietnam won the war.


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## Almostrecovered

F-102 said:


> And North Vietnam won the war.



It was a tie!!!


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## bandit.45

crossbar said:


> Uggh...really?
> 
> Okay, inventory of progress...
> 
> 1. keylogger installed- probably not
> 2. contacted higher ups in the church- probably not
> 3. VAR installed and placed- probably not
> 4. retrieved text files from the computer- probably not
> 5. exposed to the OMW- probably not
> 6. followed up on the police report to see if they questioned him- probably not.
> 7. demand that he gets transferred- probably not
> 8. ask your wife for a polygraph- probably not
> 9. DNA testing on the kids- probably not.
> 
> Just what EXACTLY are you doing? I'm about ready to give up.



Crossbar, Dude.... your on the wrong thread aren't you? Isn't this for "Abused By the OM"?


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## MrQuatto

So would seem that Thr has decided to forgive? :/

Q~


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## turnera

He went to another forum. And is getting pretty much the same advice.


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