# Resentment is taking away my sex life!



## ohwatergirl (Apr 28, 2009)

How do I get past resentment. My husband and I have not had sex since we decided to get back together. Going on 6 weeks folks. He wants to and has made great efforts to make this happen. I just cannot get myself past the ugliness to do "IT." Please help?


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

why do you have so much resentment? I think we need to know that first before we can help? Trust me my wife had to get over some resentment with me so I can understand


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

and why did you seperate? maybe the same reason maybe not.

typically its the one who was hurt that has the biggest problem becoming physical again and that sounds like him with what you've stated.


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## ohwatergirl (Apr 28, 2009)

I wrote out our story in the general discussion forum. The title is " I am so unsure of it all"

Thanks for you input.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I can see how you would feel very betrayed after the escalation of the claims against you (the meth thing, mentioned in your long post). How can you relax and trust someone who would say such things? Maybe you need to talk about this incident with him, if you haven't already. 

For now, though, you might want to try separating your lack of trust and resentment from the physical relationship. Make sure your husband understands that having sex with you is NOT a sign that all is forgiven and forgotten. If you make it clear there will still need to be a lot of rebuilding and that you ARE separating the sex from the rest of it, then perhaps you will be able to relax enough to enjly purely physical pleasure. Were any of the problems related to sex before--pressure for you to perform when you did not want to? A tendency for him to ignore your sexual needs? If not, I think you stand a good chance of being able to move forward on this front. Good luck!


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## TrueGentleman (Apr 29, 2009)

I agree about trying to separate your resentment from the physical relationship. He has his own issues which he needs to deal with, but he has to come to that decision and find the motivation to do so on his own. Getting into couples' counseling would be highly beneficial, but it's not something that you can force.

Sometimes so much resentment, anger, mistrust, and hurt feelings build up that you (and your partner) need to make a conscious decision to stop letting all of that history continue a cycle of ever-increasing negativity. These negative feelings aren't going to go away if they aren't addressed, but there needs to be a point at which both of you can agree that represents a "fresh start." 

Agree to some guidelines as to how you will discuss the problems in your past together, schedule a regular time to address those issues (for example, an hour once a week), and do your best to keep that time a place of safety where you can speak openly and honestly with each other. The trick, of course, is to be able to not let anything said during that time bleed into how you treat each other for the rest of the week.

Hanging on to negative emotions from the past never, ever accomplishes anything good and they will only resurface again and again and get in the way of healing your relationship.

If you can let go of your resentment enough to be able to have sex with him again, then his attitude towards you will likely change. Don't leave any issues unaddressed, but find a way to isolate them as best you can from your daily lives and work them out together during the times you have set aside. It won't be easy, particularly in the beginning, but don't give up if the negative stuff does escape and start to intrude upon your daily lives again. Just try to detach yourself from the situation, take a deep breath, tell yourself (and your husband) that this isn't the right time for this emotion, and make sure you deal with it on your next scheduled "relationship meeting day." 

Of course, both of you have to commit to working things out this way. Best of luck!


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