# cant shake her



## jw1966 (Jun 26, 2012)

together at 17. m.at 20 d. at 25 apart for 8 yrs back together for the last 12. did not remarry. b25 d21 stepd19 during separation she had daughter with dirtbag. no job no car tweekin physical many times . ex kept leash on me during separation with sex and ily,s . fast forward. 12 years ago i was single she was on welfare w 3 kids and caught me with ive always loved you. bought her a new car sent her to school wanted to see her progress for herself and kids. after school moved in together i started own buisness life started to fall into place.took step d as my own. great life as family, off roading, boating , always together as family, cherished my best friend. so here goes! about 2 months before easter changes, taning,dressing like 20 yr old, losing weight, cute underware looked great and i told her. i was getting excited then pulled away emmotionally from everyone. 3 days before easter weekend ILYBINILWY .daughters called the night she left said come home showed me her fvkbook acct, nasty stuff to convict she new at 15, she was busted by all of our kids. sent text told her she was busted. i was devastated when she got home i asked for counseling, tried everything to get through she was in the fog. sex was great as usual for the next month but she kept saying i ned space and time to find myself i need to move out to find my happiness. i left for 3 days and retuned, hell its my house she should leave . after fence sitting for a month i said leave. during the month she did all the classics rewriting history, rug sweeping, blameshifting. she convinced daughters to move with her so i moved my son in with me. mid life crisis maybe? youngest in college and sons girfriend preg. she convinced middle d to have abortion. i didnt know till a few weeks after the fact. she is now living with step d,s dad. fine one, no job no car. has daughters pissed at me. my son wont talk to her. i did the classic begging ,whining but stopped. i,m missing her very little nowadays because she tries to start fights over stupid crap. i guess to blameshift. i,m going to ic tomorrow . thats the story. yes i still love her but i,m trying to get on to solid ground. what comes next?


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## jw1966 (Jun 26, 2012)

by the way i,m trying nc. she only calls or texts when she,s at work. yesterday she text 10 times and called at lunch over and over. she tried testing the water with my son yesterday and he bit her foot off .


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## jw1966 (Jun 26, 2012)

can i get some advice? whats the next stage?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I can't claim to have any idea what you are going through but I did read your post. I know there's some great advice here for you. Just give it time. And read other stories here. There already been great advice given to others and that helps to read through their stories.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

First, don't try -- do. Follow the 180 one hundred percent of the time. Do not contact her and do not respond to her. Block her numbers and emails if you need to. You will miss her on and off, so keep a list of reasons to move on in your wallet and look at it when you feel weak. Commit yourself to working out, socializing more than you're used to even when you don't feel like it, and getting involved with things you love to do. Keep posting here daily if you can. It helps immensely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Agree with MA completely
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jw1966 (Jun 26, 2012)

thanks i,m tring the 180. shes very good at rug sweeping my daughters have cut off contact with me. the mil showed up at my buisness to ***** at me. telling me i,m hurting my girls i asked how? by holding their stuff ? my son and i moved there stuff out to the mil,s garage after i gave them 2 weeks to get her stuff. but any reason to paint me as the bad guy i guess. i think MLC. anyway mil said i have anger issues so i asked her about when the ex,s dad cheated on her how she felt, no reply to that! i thought i had a great life but i,m finding out otherwise. do you think shes going to try to return?


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

When people like your MIL show up, do anything you can do avoid them, even if its just locking yourself in the bathroom for a while. Talking to her friends and family will not get you anywhere. That will give up eventually. It is your responsibility to get therapy for your issues, whether anger or otherwise. Make sure you begin to take ownership of your part in this, and get the help you need to heal properly ie, feel everything, do not hold anything inside as it will get worse.) Stop thinking about your wife. Stop wondering what is wrong with her or what she is doing. Only think about you and your son right now. This is easier said than done but very crucial to your ability to be in a better place in a few months and not stuck where you are now. Do not wonder whether she will return. Not today. When you are able to regain a sense of self we can discuss this; in a few weeks you will likely feel differently about her and your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jw1966 (Jun 26, 2012)

i broke both ancles racing dirtbikes a few years ago. took 6 months to stand. very similar but lately i,m standing more and more. actually starting to laugh and find joy in things again. i think i miss the relationship but not her. confused!


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## jw1966 (Jun 26, 2012)

2 days of nc. baby steps right? ic today. smile everyone.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

jw,

I know that I wouldn't touch her with a 4 foot pole is she ever showed up at my door again.

Sorry about the issues with your girls but hopefully someday they'll realize that it wasn;t you. Heck, they were the ones who pointed it out to you!

Stick with the 180 and contact a lawyer to see what financial liabilities you may have even though you never remarried!

If you haven't already, take her name off any joint credit cards and ask the lawyer if you can legally take her name off any joint bank accounts

For now, move at least half the money in any joint accounts to an account with just your name on it


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## jw1966 (Jun 26, 2012)

lucky for me shes not thinking straight right now. no common law anymore in cal. as she claims she has felt this way for a while. no one could tell she was unhappy. i think she was caught up in ea/pa and when she got caught the guilt made her put up walls. if you were thinking about leaving wouldnt you grab stuff that couldnt be replaced? tv,s beds dressers is just stuff. when this happened i hid pictures,titles, money,stuff that cant be replaced. she has never asked for anything other than material junk! the buisness the houses the boats motorhomes i wouldnt care. its just stuff! but she didnt take any of it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Any evidence of EA/PA?


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## jw1966 (Jun 26, 2012)

unfortunately right before my eyes. watched her pull away emmotionally from me and my daughters for about two months before they caught her by looking at fvckbook and the phone records. ic today was told to hang on shes got separation issues and when she feels i.m slipping away she will try to pull me back in. sorry i,m still to angry to let that happen. at least right now.


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## jw1966 (Jun 26, 2012)

ok its another day.


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

jw1966 said:


> ok its another day.


Are you interacting with her?


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## jw1966 (Jun 26, 2012)

i have very little contact. she says i wasnt there emotionally. everyone around us thinks different. what in your opinion should i do?


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

jw1966 said:


> i have very little contact. she says i wasnt there emotionally. everyone around us thinks different. what in your opinion should i do?


Stay no contact.

Let her miss you.


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## jw1966 (Jun 26, 2012)

this is socal things happen quick here. going to havasuu this weekend with some female friends to go boating and if i dont pay attn. it could end up on fb. should i try to keep it off or just have a good time? and let the smiles do the talking. i would like to be with her but she still hasnt owned the mess she created. we failed the relationship but the ea/pa is all her doing.


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## jw1966 (Jun 26, 2012)

just wondering did i waste the last 10-12 years? i feel like ive grown some but was i just being used?


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

jw1966 said:


> this is socal things happen quick here. going to havasuu this weekend with some female friends to go boating and if i dont pay attn. it could end up on fb. should i try to keep it off or just have a good time? and let the smiles do the talking. i would like to be with her but she still hasnt owned the mess she created. we failed the relationship but the ea/pa is all her doing.


Let it end up on Facebook.

What's the downside?


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## jw1966 (Jun 26, 2012)

well its the 4th and its hard but going riding with friends. hard to not wonder what shes doing but i,m leaving for the river on friday.


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## jw1966 (Jun 26, 2012)

well its monday after the river. got a text from her how are you? replied 4 hours later with a picture of truck and boat. why would she care? good fwb,s says i,m emotionally locked up but she is good with that. why do i feel like contacting her.? what would i say?


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## jw1966 (Jun 26, 2012)

i have to ask? my therapist said its ok to have contact but only tell her my feelings. he said parent/child dynamic in R . so what do you think?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

jw1966 said:


> i have to ask? my therapist said its ok to have contact but only tell her my feelings. he said parent/child dynamic in R . so what do you think?


No, no , NO!!!! Stupid counselors! 

Do not tell her your feelings! Sure fire way to drive her away further. Let her initiate feelings talky talk. Be aloof but friendly. Listen to what she has to say but keep your answers short and direct. 

Right now she is not your friend. She's a cheat and liar. She is her OM's friend. 

If you divorce, maybe a few years down the road, after the hurt has worn off and turned into indifference, you guys can build a platonic friendship. Right now, stick to business.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> No, no , NO!!!! Stupid counselors!
> 
> Do not tell her your feelings! Sure fire way to drive her away further. Let her initiate feelings talky talk. Be aloof but friendly. Listen to what she has to say but keep your answers short and direct.
> 
> ...


I agree no contact, let her start to miss you, I sound the kettle calling the pot black but if you read my thread you'll understand, I read my ic the emails I've sent & very sternly said to stop it, ESP if I want to try to R.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

our vision shattered said:


> I agree no contact, let her start to miss you, I sound the kettle calling the pot black but if you read my thread you'll understand, I read my ic the emails I've sent & very sternly said to stop it, ESP if I want to try to R.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did you show him the picture of the lumber pile?


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## jw1966 (Jun 26, 2012)

thanks for the advice. luckily were not married. i just have this desire to talk to her. almost like if i dont persue her she will think i dont want to fight for her. this sux she cheated and i,m the dumbass that wants her. ive noticed i,m seeing things i dont like. she,s 45 and i used to think she was the sexiest woman on the planet. now i see the saggy fat women. i still love her but its hard not to see reality. i,m sad i,m losing that burning love for her. for those out there hurting i,m three months in and things are not to bad so it does get better. and dont worry you wont be lonely for long.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

Conrad&Janie said:


> Did you show him the picture of the lumber pile?


Showed him that & ups profile pic, his advice is spot on yours & everybody else's, I mean spot on, no contact, focus & work in me etc. good advice, I'm still pulling out splinters
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jw1966 (Jun 26, 2012)

i guess some people move on quicker then others. may not be a good thing! the more i look the more i see i didnt like!


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

jw1966 said:


> the more i look the more i see i didnt like!


eyes open. head forward. straight on til tomorrow.

i did a new level of soul searching this week and rebuilt my vision of my relationship. i had looked past a lot of awful. prompted by a comment from one of my closest friends, "Your wife may not have been the person you think she was."

be well.


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## boxhead201 (Jun 8, 2012)

My STBXW is definitely somebody I don't want to be with:

1. Jesus freak.
2. On I-Phone, Facebook all the time.
3. Yells at kids for stupid sh!t.
4. Mean, cruel, abandoning, unfaithful.
5. An incarnation of my MIL; a person I detest.

My STBXW is no longer the person I fell in love with.


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## jw1966 (Jun 26, 2012)

get out the 2x4! why do i do stupid shat? went to see kenny/tim mcgraw last night drank to much and the texting started. at least there wasnt anything mean i was just trying to get sex from her. damnit! so much for nc.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

jw1966 said:


> get out the 2x4! why do i do stupid shat? went to see kenny/tim mcgraw last night drank to much and the texting started. at least there wasnt anything mean i was just trying to get sex from her. damnit! so much for nc.


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