# Daddy Issues



## RunninOnEmpty

My wife puts her fathers; opinions, ideals, and advice above mine.

I am undoubtedly an outsider the second most important man in her life.

We have been Married just under 10 years... will this ever change?

Can we have a successful marriage this way?


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## Faithful Wife

If it bothers you, then no, you can't have a successful marriage this way.


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## Wiserforit

RunninOnEmpty said:


> My wife puts her fathers; opinions, ideals, and advice above mine.
> 
> I am undoubtedly an outsider the second most important man in her life.
> 
> We have been Married just under 10 years... will this ever change?
> 
> Can we have a successful marriage this way?


So she was like this and you hoped that she would eventually change, right?


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## RunninOnEmpty

Wiserforit... yes, she has always been like this to some degree. I do however think that it has gotten worse in recent years and that my voice carries less weight with her. Also, I guess I did feel that eventually she would start to become her own person and not be so worried about what mommy and daddy think/say.


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## Wiserforit

RunninOnEmpty said:


> Wiserforit... yes, she has always been like this to some degree. I do however think that it has gotten worse in recent years and that my voice carries less weight with her. Also, I guess I did feel that eventually she would start to become her own person and not be so worried about what mommy and daddy think/say.


She doesn't really care about what mommy and daddy have to say.

What she cares about is that it puts you in your place. It's been working for years, and apparently recently it has been deployed more heavily.


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## Wiltshireman

RunninOnEmpty said:


> My wife puts her fathers; opinions, ideals, and advice above mine.
> 
> I am undoubtedly an outsider the second most important man in her life.
> 
> We have been Married just under 10 years... will this ever change?
> 
> Can we have a successful marriage this way?



OP,

Could it be that she shares her father’s opinions, he has sensible ideas and gives sound advice?

What is your FIL's track record in comparison to yours?

A marriage can be successful in these circumstances but only if you are prepared to have your FIL play patriarch.

BTW I do not know what a shrink would say but IMHO daughters who think their parents have had a successful marriage tend to look for partners that share their fathers assets (and boys their mothers).


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## AniaR

You say she puts "his opinions and ideals" above yours. Could be that they share a similar way of thinking and you don't?

It can be difficult to ask advice from a spouse if he/she is not of the same mindset. Loving someone doesn't mean we are particularly compatible on a whole range of issues, whether politics, social issues, religion and so on. Those differences can be challenging if there is a closer "in tune" relationship with a member of the family, even if it's a parent.

My advice? Unless your FILs advice is negatively intruding in your marriage, don't view him as a competitor. He's just your wife's father. Accept that they have opinions different to yours and move on.


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## SimplyAmorous

RunninOnEmpty said:


> My wife puts her fathers; opinions, ideals, and advice above mine.
> 
> I am undoubtedly an outsider the second most important man in her life.
> 
> We have been Married just under 10 years... will this ever change?
> 
> Can we have a successful marriage this way?


Give some examples to where she listened to Daddy and outright rejected you..or shunned your advice... belittled it. When you point this out to her...how does she react?

I agree, it's not healthy. This would lead to your not feeling respected by your wife....which is huge for men....Love is to women what RESPECT is to men.


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## hambone

RunninOnEmpty said:


> My wife puts her fathers; opinions, ideals, and advice above mine.
> 
> I am undoubtedly an outsider the second most important man in her life.
> 
> We have been Married just under 10 years... will this ever change?
> 
> Can we have a successful marriage this way?


It would bother the heck out of me!

Have you talked to her about it?


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## RunninOnEmpty

I have discussed this with her numerous times. Most of the stuff is inconsequential... Just annoying. The major issue, of late, is my career path. I have been working for a company in some capacity for 14 years.. Before and during college. I went to school on scholarship, to play ball. While I was there I completed a degree in education, and after graduating tried to do the teacher/coach thing and HATED it. After sitting down with her, we decided as a couple that I would go back to my old job. I am forced to travel, but the money is better and most of all I enjoy what I do everyday. When we made this decision together, I stressed that I never wanted to return to teaching and she agreed. Now 8 years later I have to quit, change careers, lose a good portion of my retirement and profit sharing accounts due to early exit, and ect. Her father is connected in there area and even despite my numerous objections over the last couple month.. I keep getting random phone calls about teaching jobs. My wife insists that she has nothing to do with it, but I know it is a daddy daughter conspiracy going on behind the scenes.


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## dsGrazzl3D

RunninOnEmpty said:


> I know it is a daddy daughter conspiracy going on behind the scenes.


Have you ever talked with him about being a negative influence in his daughters marriage?
Be prepared for many fireworks are wrath, but you have to explain to him that you are worried she will never have a successful marriage to you unless... then provide terms. Be prepare to have these minimized and even scoffed away as being immature. Ask him if he asked his FIL was also involved to the same degree? Ask if he wants his daughters marriage to work & make the two of you happy together?
Sit back and understand this whole entire conversation will filter back down to your wife. That is when you will need to really start having some discussions about boundaries and what you both expect from your marriage. 

I wish you all the luck in the world to improve your marriage.


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## couple

I don't know your situation but it could be that she also retains somewhat of a thread of rebellion against 'daddy'. Most relationships between father and daughter (or other close family relationships for that matter) are complicated. Although it annoys you when she seems to favor daddy over you, keep in mind that it's not usually so simple as putting him over you. You will never have full 'mind-share' in your wife's head when it comes to men that influence her. Think about what mind-share you 'own' in her head and give yourself a balanced view.


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