# Married 4 months and already having thoughts of "did I make the right decision?"



## amana1982 (Jun 7, 2015)

*Married 4 months and already having thoughts of "did I make the right decision?"*

First I want to say that I love my husband and he is an amazing man. We have been married since March of this year. I'll try to keep this short. We were re-introduced to each other in 2013 when a family friend thought we were a good match for each other, he lived in VA and I lived in FL. We started talking on the phone, then Skype and finally we met and there were sparks. We are complete opposites of each other, he is shy and introverted and I am a free spirit and really social. He is a GAMER!!!! and so are his friends. Well we dated a short time, I moved to VA after getting engaged and we married a year later, this March. Ok so here is the problem our fights mostly consist of the gaming. He likes to be home all the time, I have recently started a business from home so I don't really socialize much, the truth is here I still don't have a close circle of friends they are all back home in FL. SO I feel many times alone, I hate the feeling of knowing that I have a husband and I feel this incredible loneliness. I don't know what to do I have expressed my feelings more than once. It's Saturday we went out for breakfast and I am home at 8:00pm writing in a forum. I don't mind that he plays it's his way of de-stressing but I just feel that we don't do much together, I am BORED and sad. I feel like I shouldn't feel like this after only 4 months of marriage. Also in the intimacy department I don't crave intercourse because I don't really feel happy. I love him and want to save this but don't know what else to do. What should I do?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

*Re: Married 4 months and already having thoughts of "did I make the right decision?"*

What to do?

1. Sit down and have a very straight forward talk with hubby and tell him the marriage is failing due to his gaming habits. Ask him which hed prefer to have- a marriage or his excessive gaming?

2. Can you reconnect with your friends in FL? Skype, visits...?

3. Whatever your interests are, can you find local places to go and meet other females?

All that said, a marriage is built on a r-e-l-a-t-i-o-n-s-h-i-p. You two are losing yours. You both have to fight to maintain it.


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## mjalex (Mar 5, 2015)

*Re: Married 4 months and already having thoughts of "did I make the right decision?"*

I agree with going to local places and meeting friends! Establish a friend base. Unfortunately, marriage isn't always fun and there will be times where you won't be incredibly connected.

If he's so into his games, I would make a compromise. Say that you'll learn to play a game with him, but he also needs to choose a hobby of yours to learn with you. Plenty of couples use gaming as a way to connect, and it may help you understand your hubby a little more if you indulge a bit! 

Work on establishing that ability to have fun with your lover, even if it's only on an emotional level, ignoring the physical for a bit. It may break him out of his shell and make him more receptive to partaking in other activities with you. Just a thought!


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

*Re: Married 4 months and already having thoughts of "did I make the right decision?"*

I'm also a gamer, but it isn't my life and if my husband felt ignored by it, I would drop it like a Ebola filled doughnut. Marriage is about compromises and instead of letting resentment grow, and fester, and diminish your sex drive, sit him down and tell him exactly what you need.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

*Re: Married 4 months and already having thoughts of "did I make the right decision?"*

Limit his gaiming to certain hours, same as you would with a child


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Married 4 months and already having thoughts of "did I make the right decision?"*

How many hours a day is he spending gaming?

Wasn't he like this before you married him? 


I think that you making more friends where you live and getting out is a good thing. Look at Find your people - Meetup for where you live. They lists things that are going on in your area. You just go and join whatever the activity is.. take a look and see what interests you. You could also invite other women you know to go with you.. it's a good way to grow a friendship.

Some books that might help you:

Divorce Busting

His Needs, Her Needs

Love Busters


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

*Re: Married 4 months and already having thoughts of "did I make the right decision?"*

What are your ages?
LTR experience?


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## amana1982 (Jun 7, 2015)

I want to say thank you so much to everyone who has replied to my post. We are both 32, and yes I recently joined meetup for both business and personal networking. Last night I was really frustrated and angry. We ended up going to dinner and we talked, I vented what I was feeling and it turned out to be really productive. 

Yes he was this way when we met but I guess I didn't notice the gaming as much because I had a full time job out of the home. I quit my job right before our wedding to start my own business from home. So I guess now I notice it more than I did before and I also feel like I require more attention now than I did before because I am home all day. I've gone to a few meetups for business and I'm happy because it keeps me busy. This is just truly a learning experience for both of us. I'm trying to make sure that the lines of communication are open because we both want this marriage, and we are both clear that it took us this long to find each other. We discussed trying to start and find more things that we like to do together and he was open to the idea. Once again thanks so much for those who wrote back and I'm really happy I found this site.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Married 4 months and already having thoughts of "did I make the right decision?"*

It seems that part of the problem is that you feel isolated because you now work from home. It's pretty common.

Does he have a job?

If he is basically spending most non-sleep hours playing games, it a huge problem.


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## amana1982 (Jun 7, 2015)

Yes he has a job out of the home... I just think it's an adjustment period for me here... It's not like he plays till the wee hours of the morning... It's something that definitely could be fixed I feel much better today than yesterday.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Married 4 months and already having thoughts of "did I make the right decision?"*



amana1982 said:


> Yes he has a job out of the home... I just think it's an adjustment period for me here... It's not like he plays till the wee hours of the morning... It's something that definitely could be fixed I feel much better today than yesterday.


The rule of thumb is that a couple needs to spend at least 15 hours of quality time a week together, just the two of them. (see the book His Needs, Her Needs). This time is needed to maintain the bond and in-love feeling for the couple.

After that, each of you should be able to spend your own time doing household chores and social things, hobbies, etc. 

It is a good measure to decide what's appropriate.


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## dine123 (Jun 7, 2015)

*Re: Married 4 months and already having thoughts of "did I make the right decision?"*



amana1982 said:


> First I want to say that I love my husband and he is an amazing man. We have been married since March of this year. I'll try to keep this short. We were re-introduced to each other in 2013 when a family friend thought we were a good match for each other, he lived in VA and I lived in FL. We started talking on the phone, then Skype and finally we met and there were sparks. We are complete opposites of each other, he is shy and introverted and I am a free spirit and really social. He is a GAMER!!!! and so are his friends. Well we dated a short time, I moved to VA after getting engaged and we married a year later, this March. Ok so here is the problem our fights mostly consist of the gaming. He likes to be home all the time, I have recently started a business from home so I don't really socialize much, the truth is here I still don't have a close circle of friends they are all back home in FL. SO I feel many times alone, I hate the feeling of knowing that I have a husband and I feel this incredible loneliness. I don't know what to do I have expressed my feelings more than once. It's Saturday we went out for breakfast and I am home at 8:00pm writing in a forum. I don't mind that he plays it's his way of de-stressing but I just feel that we don't do much together, I am BORED and sad. I feel like I shouldn't feel like this after only 4 months of marriage. Also in the intimacy department I don't crave intercourse because I don't really feel happy. I love him and want to save this but don't know what else to do. What should I do?


i been married about 2 years this year mines similar i dont no what the hell to do either ,i just feel these men are so lack of social skills soons your living home with them ,but at first when your dating ,life is so perfect .i really dont no what to tell you but for me ,he is out of my life ,i am putting my career first ,my son first ,and if he decides to come around will see ,but u need to take care of yourself and focus on you all again from now on ,find away to let him come to you ,if that in work ,you have serious trouble


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## amana1982 (Jun 7, 2015)

Thanks will buy the book... Thanks so much for your advice so glad I found this forum...


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## Mamabear3 (Jun 16, 2015)

*Re: Married 4 months and already having thoughts of "did I make the right decision?"*

I am in the same boat..I will be married for 2 years. We have 3 boys(4,2,5 month old). I really believe my husband is hooked on the game. On the weekend he can wake up at 8am and get right on the Xbox until 2 or 3 in the morning. The kids are wanting his attention so bad. I'm a stay at home mom and he works Monday to Friday. So I do get on the weekends he wants to relax but the kids want to go outside with papa(thats what they call him) he will always make excuses. I usually am the one going outside with them. When I try and talk to him about his gaming he says he is never going to stop gaming. When he doesn't want to listen to me anymore he puts on his headphones and blocks us out. I know it is very hard for the kids. We have even gotten to the point in May 2015 where we were going to get a divorce..but he felt bad that the kids and I didn't have a place to go..so he said we can work it out. Nothing changed...everything stayed the same. I live about 18 hrs away from all of my family so it makes it very hard. Any advice would be nice!


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## nurabela (Jun 16, 2015)

*Re: Married 4 months and already having thoughts of "did I make the right decision?"*

I would like to suggest that you exercise little more patience. Try to communicate your feelings to him. Probably he will reconsider and change his ways.


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## OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE (Mar 13, 2015)

*Re: Married 4 months and already having thoughts of "did I make the right decision?"*

Male opinion here. I am an old guy. Yes I am a gamer. Have 3 boys (men now) but the point is at one time I think any gamer plays more than they should.
If you are neglecting your family you need to quit.

I know that there are help centers for people that are addicted to games. I would find one and see if you can get your husbands to go.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Married 4 months and already having thoughts of "did I make the right decision?"*



amana1982 said:


> First I want to say that I love my husband and he is an amazing man. We have been married since March of this year. I'll try to keep this short. We were re-introduced to each other in 2013 when a family friend thought we were a good match for each other, he lived in VA and I lived in FL. We started talking on the phone, then Skype and finally we met and there were sparks. We are complete opposites of each other, he is shy and introverted and I am a free spirit and really social. He is a GAMER!!!! and so are his friends. Well we dated a short time, I moved to VA after getting engaged and we married a year later, this March. Ok so here is the problem our fights mostly consist of the gaming. He likes to be home all the time, I have recently started a business from home so I don't really socialize much, the truth is here I still don't have a close circle of friends they are all back home in FL. SO I feel many times alone, I hate the feeling of knowing that I have a husband and I feel this incredible loneliness. I don't know what to do I have expressed my feelings more than once. It's Saturday we went out for breakfast and I am home at 8:00pm writing in a forum. I don't mind that he plays it's his way of de-stressing but I just feel that we don't do much together, I am BORED and sad. I feel like I shouldn't feel like this after only 4 months of marriage. Also in the intimacy department I don't crave intercourse because I don't really feel happy. I love him and want to save this but don't know what else to do. What should I do?


The gaming needs to be addressed. If a majority of his free time is gaming there will be resentment and issues. It appears to be cropping up already. You two should be going to movies, dinner and such. These are de-stressing activities. 

The intercourse...you do not crave it because you have become disconnected with your H. Understandable when his attention is on the game. Your H needs to realize that you have needs(emotional connection and wanting to be active) and his gaming does not work. Speak to him about it. He might soon realize he is screwing up his marriage if he does not listen, one day you are not to be found. He will not wonder why.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

*Re: Married 4 months and already having thoughts of "did I make the right decision?"*

Feels to me like this gaming thing CAN become quite an obsession over time-- I am not painting that broad brush over all gamers, but am I not right in saying that for many it outweighs just about any real life social interaction? Ive wondered how (some, not all) can maintain a quality marriage, raise kids, etc, with this habit. I know it could be worse, and again not all gamers, but by the time you are thirty and have been doing it 20 years or so seems like some get a bit obsessive and could have a hard time dropping it. 

This could actually be another thread on it's own-- experience of being married to gamers.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

*Re: Married 4 months and already having thoughts of "did I make the right decision?"*

Online gaming?
LDR?

I'd say he has a internet compulsion... All his social activities revolve around that computer, his life as he knows it, exist because of that computer.

I know a few people like this.

If you do meetup events, look for social gaming, board games roleplay groups in the area. This is something he is familiar with, you will meet other couples, sip some wine, and develop real friendships.

I just looked at meetup and in my hometown there are 3 weekly meetups.
Tuesday Night
Friday Night
Sunday Noon

Each group has at least 4 people.
The Sunday group has a lot more.
These geeks have wives too, who would love to get the fvck out of the house while the husbands roll dice and scream at each other.


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