# Girlfriend said she is disconnected from my trip and is ending relationship. Did I do something wrong?



## alertingadf (6 mo ago)

A little long...apologies.
I have been dating my girlfriend for 6 months now. We were friends before this and developed an immediate and deep connection. For the first part of our relationship, we were very close and had such a strong connection and relationship. This is likely due to us being friends before and already knowing each other. We travelled, laughed well, and enjoyed so many good times together.

However, recently her job has crazy work hours during certain points of the year. She has to work 100 hours or so a week for a month and half stretch. She said during this time I will hardly see or hear from her since she will be so busy. My girlfriend is also Brazilian. I dont speak Portuguese and felt it could be a fun idea for me to travel to Portugal for 5 weeks and take language/immersion course during this time and work (my job is remote) and learn the language. My thinking, if we wont really see each other anyway, this could be good way to do an immersion course and learn her language. Her parents also dont speak English so I felt this could be a good way to be able to connect with them. Also, my parents are going to be out there for 2 weeks celebrating an anniversary at the same time.

My girlfriend has been married before and was cheated on in the relationship. She told me she has been cheated on in almost every relationship and has large insecurity and abandonment issues because of it.

When her worked picked up, she was right, I barely heard from her. Our contact quickly developed into just text messages occasionally. And there was a growing feeling of disconnect because we hardly saw each other. The only time we would see each other is the gym we go to together. I said maybe we should skip the gym one morning and have breakfast together so we remain connected. She said no because she wants her endorphin rush. This made me feel like I was not a priority.
Right before my trip came up, I learned that a message therapist that I saw at the gym (for therapy) was also going to Spain. My girlfriend learning about this (I told her) said I must have something going on with her. There is not way that both of us would be going at the same time. This seemed really out there to me. I have nor would I ever cheat on her. I love her so much.

I also learned that she spoke with my trainer that she really cares for me but thought I could be cheating on her. I have no idea where this any of this is coming from because I dont even hang out with girls outside of her (ok I play tennis with one other female but thats it)
Flash forward and I asked her if I should go on this trip because I am worried. She said yes I dont want to hold you back from doing that and enjoying your time out there. I wont really be able to see you anyway.

Now that i am out here, things have been getting worse. She tells me that I left her and probably seeing people. She said just text her if I meet someone else so she doenst have to deal with it in person. She then said i dont know why you need to go out to Spain to learn a language when I could have learned it from her. And i was probably seeing the therapist from the gym out there (all of this not even remotely true)
Now I just got a text message that she feels abandoned and wants to end relationship. I have no idea how this fell apart so fast. I am cutting the trip short and rushing back home to see if I can save the relationship. But I feel completely lost here. We were so strong and loved each other and now this all seems falling apart so rapidly. I went out here with best intentions but seems like this has triggered


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You must be really young and you sound really desperate. If you want to spend the rest of your life being accused of everything under the sun then you go right ahead. Her behavior is an enormous red flag and exactly the type of person you SHOULD NOT get involved with. Must be your first girlfriend. Drop the dead weight and run …. It will be the best choice you ever made


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She’s full of it. How can she teach you her language when she doesn’t even want to talk to you ffs. She wouldn’t skip her gym just once to have breakfast with you, this shows you where you come on her list of priorities. 
She’s putting you in the same boat as all her exes who cheated on her except I’m wondering if this cheating actually happened as often as she claims. She has a vivid imagination in my opinion. 
She’s hard work dude, is she worth it though?


----------



## alertingadf (6 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> You must be really young and you sound really desperate. If you want to spend the rest of your life being accused of everything under the sun then you go right ahead. Her behavior is an enormous red flag and exactly the type of person you SHOULD NOT get involved with. Must be your first girlfriend. Drop the dead weight and run …. It will be the best choice you ever made


Haha I am 39 and she is 37. Maybe I am just desperate here Its just that we worked really well together before and had a deep connection right away


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Run! Don't walk, just run!


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Could you clarify what you mean about having a deep connection? Did she feel the same?


----------



## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Give her some space working 100 hours per week can stress anyone, things may come back after a while. Awesome for you that you are learning Portugeuse!!


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Omg what hard work she is!! You dodged a bullet mate, run as fast as you can. Your life will be a rollercoaster of accusations, begging forgiveness and proving that you didn't do the things you've been accused of. It will be volatile.

You're caught up in the rush of new love, but my god, this woman is a complete effing whack job. She's nuts.


----------



## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

alertingadf said:


> Haha I am 39 and she is 37. Maybe I am just desperate here Its just that we worked really well together before and had a deep connection right away


With respect you are desperate. 

She freezes you out for work she says. You do your own thing and she immediately accuses you of cheating without any evidence. That is called projection. If you were to do a little digging you would probably discover she is actually cheating on you. 

You are also playing the game of push and pull. She pushes you away because she is busy with "work." As soon as you are on your trip and out of her easy reach she now needs to pull you back.

Deep connections take years to build, *not 6 months*. Would suggest you research narcissistic behavior and see how closely she matches. Study how narcissistic people target others to get close in a short period of time and compare to your own courtship with her.

People that genuinely wish to be with you make the time and give the effort they don't just offer excuses and baseless accusations.


----------



## alertingadf (6 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> Could you clarify what you mean about having a deep connection? Did she feel the same?


she said she did. She said she wanted to marry me and talked about kids


----------



## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

I had an ex that acted much like this. Claims of being cheated on, and was really insecure about everything I did as a result. As it turns out, she was the one doing the cheating, and had been the one cheating in her previous relationships too. Your girl has all the signs. She is keeping the focus on you and what you are doing because it takes he attention away from the fact that she has been "working" too much to spend any time with you lately.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I agree with everyone here, you sound desperate. She sounds like she's projecting onto you. A little digging might tell you everything. If I were you, if you're planning on cutting the trip short, I wouldn't tell her. I would just come back and check what's she doing. I'm sure it's not kosher.

A little of pride and self respect goes a long way. If it were me, she telling me thst she wants to split, I would muster my pride and dignity and tell her Sayonara. There's plenty of fish out there.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Rushing back home to save the relationship? You’ll be doing that for the rest of your life if you stay with her.


----------



## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Drama queen, and probably cheating. Who actually works 100 hrs/wk? That sounds awful, and not something I would do for any amount of money. Next.


----------



## elliblue (7 mo ago)

alertingadf said:


> Haha I am 39 and she is 37. Maybe I am just desperate here Its just that we worked really well together before and had a deep connection right away


Crazy people can trigger some crazy feelings. Not to be confused with love. Six month and already such drama.
Just go.
But wait! If you leave now she will accuse you of cheating and that you're dropping her for that other woman from the gym 

Maybe you should stay in Spain and change your number. I am concerned if you ever come close to her again, you might end up with a knive in your back.
You should warn the gym lady too.


----------



## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

This is a no-brainer. Whether she is paranoid based on past experiences or projecting because she is the cheater and may have been in at least one or more of her past relationships (there could have been mutual cheating going on in some of those relationships), she's letting you go; telling you to escape, which you definitely should do.

Could this be some mind game where she suddenly screams and cries about how you aren't even trying to fight for the relationship if you agree with ending things? Maybe. That won't be surprising. Nor will it be surprising if she is the actual or at least predominant cheater in her life. But if you hold strong and remind yourself that you don't need all the drama, you will get through this.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

alertingadf said:


> Haha I am 39 and she is 37. Maybe I am just desperate here Its just that we worked really well together before and had a deep connection right away


Unfortunately something changed, you are likely best served by letting the whole thing go.

And more importantly realize objectively there's no deep connection at all now. She's moved on and you're hearing her we need to split up speech. It sounds like she's got her process of dating yet keeping her time her time down to an art.

And you're not engaged or married. So it just sounds like this relationship has run its course and all should just part friends.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I’m sorry, sweetie, some people are just loony birds. She is one of them. Don’t invest any more time in this. Honestly at her age she should have more control of her emotions, she’s likely in the throes of something she needs to get past before she can be in a relationship.


----------



## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

🏃‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️ 

That means run... if it's already like this at only 6 months, imagine a year and so forth.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> You must be really young and you sound really desperate. If you want to spend the rest of your life being accused of everything under the sun then you go right ahead. Her behavior is an enormous red flag and exactly the type of person you SHOULD NOT get involved with. Must be your first girlfriend. Drop the dead weight and run …. It will be the best
> 
> 
> alertingadf said:
> ...


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

alertingadf said:


> she said she did. She said she wanted to marry me and talked about kids


She “said”…………. Stop believing what people say and start believing what they do. She’s working 100 hrs a week. Hmmmm.
She has no time for you….hmmmm
She can’t have breakfast with you but is working out feverishly. Hmmmm
She’s wanting to look good for someone…..
She’s spending time with someone,….
She’s breaking up with you…..

Lots of people come here and describe this “deep connection” that they “both” have. It’s not that deep if they’re wanting to break things off. 
My advice: Never invest of yourself more than your partner in a relationship is investing. It teaches them that you’ll reward them for crap behavior.
Just let her go. You don’t have a choice. Don’t pine for her— that is your choice.
Find a lady that treats you as well as you treat her. And it is that simple.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

This doesn’t make any sense. She is a complete basket case. You should know better being 39. Talk about bat **** crazy post here lately.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@alertingadf Why is she concerned that you are going to Portugal to learn Spanish, when they don't speak Spanish in Portugal? 

And as the Portuguese of Brazil is somewhat different to that spoken in Portugal, why not take an immersive language course in Brazil, instead? Might even be cheaper, too?


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

alertingadf said:


> My girlfriend has been married before and was cheated on in the relationship. She told me she has been cheated on in almost every relationship and has large insecurity and abandonment issues because of it.


You do realize that when she tells her next boyfriend that “she has been cheated on in almost every relationship”, that in her mind you will be among the the people that cheated on her? Since you know that it is not true in your case, how many others was it not true for? Keep that in mind before you consider going back to her. A lifetime of such drama, can suck the life out of you.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The times that I have seen women swing this wildly between wanting to marry and have kids then suddenly wanting split up over some nonsensical situation,,, that have also claimed that “every” man cheated on them or molested her when she was young etc etc - All had serious personality disorders and were on a host of meds and under the care of shrinks and therapists etc 

This chick is probably one of those. 

She probably has a new BF by today and she is probably feeding him the same line that you traveled across the globe just to cheat on her in another country. 

Consider yourself fortunate you didn’t marry her and knock her up and have mortgages and car loans with her.

Any time you’re with crazy, flush the condoms yourself, never give your actual address and be prepared to run 🏃‍♂️! 

You dodged the bullet on this one.


----------



## alertingadf (6 mo ago)

MattMatt said:


> @alertingadf Why is she concerned that you are going to Portugal to learn Spanish, when they don't speak Spanish in Portugal?
> 
> And as the Portuguese of Brazil is somewhat different to that spoken in Portugal, why not take an immersive language course in Brazil, instead? Might even be cheaper, too?


I accidentally wrote Spain. Meant Portugal. Mind clearly everywhere. And the reason why was because classes were in the morning and would allow me to work in afternoon and evening US hours. If I was in Brazil that would not be possible and hours would have crossed over. So I was taking classes in am then working full day after


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Neat idea. My work involves multiple timezones so I know what you mean!


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Huge red flags. She is messing with your head and accusing you of things you aren't doing. She seems very unstable. Leave her now or it will get worse. Just my thoughts.


----------



## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

OP,

You said this in your post: 


alertingadf said:


> I also learned that she spoke with my trainer that she really cares for me but thought I could be cheating on her. I have no idea where this any of this is coming from because I dont even hang out with girls outside of her



With all due respect OP, you do or should know where this is coming from.

I say this because you also wrote this in your post:



alertingadf said:


> My girlfriend has been married before and was cheated on in the relationship. She told me she has been cheated on in almost every relationship and has large insecurity and abandonment issues because of it.



There it is OP, THAT is where this is coming from.

This is NOT about you, but her. Even though you don't see or hang out with other women, she EXPECTS you to.

Why? Because she's been cheated on a lot and she expects it to happen in this relationship with you.

She's insecure and has abandonment issues. I feel bad for her. I was cheated on, I'm sorry she was but she needs to work through this in counseling.

It doesn't sound like she's in a good enough place to be in a romantic relationship... with anyone. She needs to work on, address, and resolve her issues from being cheated on many times before.


Again, this is NOT about you OP. You haven't done anything. If you remain with her you KNOW things like this will happen again... and again... and again. They'll keep happening until she's worked through her issues and for her sake and the rest of her life I hope she does.


----------



## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

alertingadf said:


> A little long...apologies.
> I have been dating my girlfriend for 6 months now. We were friends before this and developed an immediate and deep connection. For the first part of our relationship, we were very close and had such a strong connection and relationship. This is likely due to us being friends before and already knowing each other. We travelled, laughed well, and enjoyed so many good times together.
> 
> However, recently her job has crazy work hours during certain points of the year. She has to work 100 hours or so a week for a month and half stretch. She said during this time I will hardly see or hear from her since she will be so busy. My girlfriend is also Brazilian. I dont speak Portuguese and felt it could be a fun idea for me to travel to Portugal for 5 weeks and take language/immersion course during this time and work (my job is remote) and learn the language. My thinking, if we wont really see each other anyway, this could be good way to do an immersion course and learn her language. Her parents also dont speak English so I felt this could be a good way to be able to connect with them. Also, my parents are going to be out there for 2 weeks celebrating an anniversary at the same time.
> ...


Run, she's lying. She's not into you anymore.
You are a beta to her.


----------

