# Struggles - Something doesn't feel right



## Buhday33 (Jul 10, 2021)

Hi,

New poster here. I'm quite sad/embarrassed that I'm having to seek help in this area, but I'm also thankful to be here to gain support as well. This is going to be REALLY long - so apologies in advance. This is all so frustrating and heart breaking because my wife and I get along and go together so well. We hardly fight, we always make each other laugh and never not have good conversation.

Where to begin? My wife and I are in our 2nd year of marriage. I'm 32 and she's 28.In my post high school days, I've mainly been overweight. My highest weight was at 240 at one point (5'6) and that was at the beginning of our marriage. I got motivated to lose weight, and lost about 20 pounds shortly after we got married, but I got comfortable and lost all motivation, and have just maintained since then. My wife was near my weight as well. However, she got motivated and started going to the gym with me, and now she has lost over 70 pounds and is an absolute knock-out. I was definitely attracted to her well before this, but even more so now.

I just want to preface what I'm about to say with: She has never given me a reason not to trust her. We talk openly about our feelings for the most part. Hell, even in the last year and a half, we have never missed a Friday date night. However, I feel something is amiss.

For the past few months, our intimacy has reduced drastically. Maybe once a week if that, and she's been saying sex just feels like a chore to her now. So, naturally I tried to get to the bottom of it and see what I could do to help. It took me a bit to drag it out of her, but she said '..marriage is hard, and I feel like I'm taking care of 2 children with you and the dog. I need more help around the house.' 

Ever since then, I've been doing more than my fair share, I've started cooking, doing sweet things for her, and essentially chasing her again. At this point we were contemplating therapy. Once I started doing these things, I noticed she was a lot more chipper and I asked what changed? She said you're really helping me out and it makes me view you differently, she then said she didn't think we needed therapy.

Fast forward a few weeks: We have just moved in to our first house. We've been there about a week, and since the move I noticed she was a little more ill than normal. She was almost unbearable to be around. So, I feel I can tell my wife anything, so I talked to her about it. Before this, I had never NOT been excited to see my wife on a daily basis until then. I probably should've worded it differently, but I told her for the past couple of days I have dreaded coming home to her. That was obviously upsetting to her, and she went into a state of depression for a bit.

The next day we have another conversation, and she finally told me what I've been fearing: "I've lost all attraction to you because of your weight, and the weight I've lost." That's obviously really hurtful, but I've gotten over that. It's the kick in the pants I've needed to get myself motivated. She also said that we should start going to therapy, and that we should've started during the last issue we had.

Now here's where the wheels start falling off for me. During this conversation, she mentions she wishes she had a MALE best friend to talk to. Prefacing this with my wife doesn't have any family or siblings. My family is all she has. She's completely disowned her whole family. I have a female mentor that I confide in, and my wife knows that and knows her. She's never had a problem with me talking to her. So, naturally I think it's fair if she wants a male friend to talk to. After that conversation I started getting worried. I'm one of these people that their mind automatically goes to the worst case scenario. This guy from what I understand is a co-worker and is in his 40s. So the next day, I expressed to my wife that it made me uncomfortable. She brought up the fact that I talk to a female friend, and that it should be okay for her to talk to a male. I agreed. However, something just hasn't felt right.

She's been spending more time alone - going into our bedroom to watch TV by herself. I even went in there the other night to lay with her and the dog, I laid down and and she asked me to take our dog into the living room to play before bed. Again, we talked and I kind of danced around the subject of her talking to this guy and let her know it bothered me a little bit. She kept the same stance of it being a double standard if I asked her to stop talking to him, and it's fine as long as there are boundaries. Again, I agreed and dropped the conversation. I really don't want to broach the subject again in fear of pushing her away.

We had our date night last night and have some conversation related to what's going on. At one point she got really upset and looked like she needed to say something. I asked if she needed to say something, and she said yes, but she'd breakdown if she did it right then and she would just tell me outside of the restaurant. I was fully preparing myself for her to tell me she was cheating on me. We get outside, she breaks down and says she really misses her Mom and Dad, and she feels alone and doesn't really have anyone to talk to about our issues. She then said do you want to know why I want a male friend to talk to? She said she doesn't trust women and they gossip. She'd rather talk to a man. It made total sense to me and I did feel better about the situation briefly. However now, I'm up at 3:00 AM, worried and scared to death that there might be some infidelity there. I love my wife more than anything in this world and would do anything for her, and I don't want to lose her.

Last part about the guy - she keeps telling me that she wants me to meet him. She also sent me some pictures of one of their conversations yesterday, and said I deserved to see it and that she didn't want me to be uncomfortable. Most everything looked fine, but I saw a random message here or there that didn't really go with the conversation. So, my mind goes to that dark place again thinking she deleted some messages in the conversation. I asked her about it and she got defensive and asked me if I really trusted her. I told her I did and that she'd never done anything to break that trust. I left it at that and things were fine.

Contrastingly, she has never stopped telling me she loves me. Yesterday morning she was getting ready to leave for the gym, she said "Bye babe, I love you." She then got to the gym and sent me a text saying "I'm at the gym babe, I love you." Her communication and frequency of it to me has not waivered at all. She called me an hour or so after and said she'd be in late from work and wouldn't feel like cooking, and she could pick something up and we could watch a movie together. Today we had a smart home system installed in our house with an Alexa. I thought I'd surprise her by showing her how the Alexa worked and telling it to play our wedding song, and asking her for a dance. I did that and she looked at me with this sweet looking face and said "I love you babe." And we danced...

I would say though that her physical affection has kind of become hesitant over the past couple of days since I first told her about me dreading seeing her (hugs/cuddling/kissing). It really seemed like things snowballed after I made that comment to her.

One last thing - therapy. She told me Thursday evenings worked best. I booked something for this Thursday evening. I let her know and she said that worked for her. This morning we were talking in the kitchen and she said she couldn't go Thursday. She said she had a hair appointment. Granted, yes, she's been trying like crazy to get in with someone since we moved and has talked for weeks about needing to get her hair done.. She finally got someone to get her in on the 20th. So, I'm like...I thought you didn't have an appointment until the 20th? She said I got her to move me up since I'm starting my new job the next week. I asked if we could try to get in therapy a little earlier this week, and she said that was fine. I tried, and wasn't able to do so, but was able to get an appointment on Monday the 19th at a good time for her. I made a point to talk to her this evening and say that getting to therapy is our number one priority right now. She agreed. She did say she didn't think it would've worked this week anyways because of a couple of things going on with her job. She does have a demanding job...She did say the time on the 19th worked for her. I'm hoping she's not trying to get out of going. She's always been reluctant to go to doctors, dentist, etc. However she is the one that said we needed to go.

Am I overthinking all of this? I'd be devastated if she ever cheated on me. However, I made her promise me if she ever did, or has, to just be up front and rip the band-aid off and don't drag it out. She obliged.

How does this sound to you all?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I don't want to be harsh and say she is cheating on you. I get the impression, from what you are saying, that she is having a hard time because she doesn't feel attracted to you and maybe she is thinking about other guys. Or maybe she is talking to the other guy. Sit her down and ask her exactly what the problem is. If you can't solve it, definitely go to therapy together.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Sounds like she’s toying with the idea of cheating at least. By telling you about talking to this guy she was in a way getting your approval for it. She’s basically having an EA right now. She sounds very selfish. Does this guy live locally?

as for your weight. There’s nothing to say you can’t improve yourself in that area. I’ve had good success with Noom. Cutting calories and smaller portions isn’t that hard to do and works even without intensive exercise.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You were both a 4 and then she became a 7. It’s never going to work out no matter how you want to spin it. Unless your bringing home big bucks then she will have much better options elsewhere. I’m sorry but that is the hard truth. She is already trying to break it to you gently but your just ignoring the white elephant in the room.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What does your female mentor mentor you on? Are you talking about your marriage/wife to her?


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Buhday33 said:


> Am I overthinking all of this? I'd be devastated if she ever cheated on me. However, I made her promise me if she ever did, or has, to just be up front and rip the band-aid off and don't drag it out. *She obliged.*


I wouldn't count on her letting you know.

If she hasn't yet, she will at some point if she carries on confiding in this guy. The seemingly missing texts are a concern. 

At this point it appears you are losing your wife slowly to another man, if you haven't lost her already. And there is nothing you can do about it the way things stand right now. 

Go to the gym with her starting now, AND GET IN SHAPE! 

You two started having problems because of the disparity in your attractiveness. She lost weight and now is getting attention, and she notices it. 

Tell us everything about this guy she's talking to.


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## Buhday33 (Jul 10, 2021)

jjj858 said:


> Sounds like she’s toying with the idea of cheating at least. By telling you about talking to this guy she was in a way getting your approval for it. She’s basically having an EA right now. She sounds very selfish. *Does this guy live locally?*
> 
> as for your weight. There’s nothing to say you can’t improve yourself in that area. I’ve had good success with Noom. Cutting calories and smaller portions isn’t that hard to do and works even without intensive exercise.


Yes - he is a co worker and lives in town from what I know. As far as the gym, I have that part down consistently now, it's just the food aspect that kills me. Right now, with the way I'm feeling, even the thought of fast/fatty food makes me sick. I went to the gym 4 times this week for one hour HIIT sessions.

She also asked me what she could do to help me. I told her that her and I need to do a weekly weigh in together and track my weight. That would help keep me accountable and we've started doing that.



Blondilocks said:


> What does your female mentor mentor you on? Are you talking about your marriage/wife to her?


She's my actually my boss. She's always been very open to helping with personal issues and says she thinks of me like a son. There's no way that the relationship would ever cross the line. No interest and the age gap is pretty big. Yes, I talk to her about issues going on in our marriage. My wife knows that and said she has no problems with that.




manwithnoname said:


> I wouldn't count on her letting you know.
> 
> If she hasn't yet, she will at some point if she carries on confiding in this guy. The seemingly missing texts are a concern.
> 
> ...


I don't know much. I just know he's in his 40s, he's a co-worker, and that's pretty much it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You need to stop talking to your boss about your personal issues. It doesn't matter that your wife is ok with it - it is wrong. As you can see, your wife is already using it as an excuse to talk to another man about your marriage and that never ends well. And, your boss can use it against you when she stops regarding you as a son. Unless it is a therapist, do not involve others in your marriage problems. Three people in a marriage is one too many. Talk to your wife or maybe a good male friend. 

I gather your wife doesn't have any female friends? Beware of the person who has no same sex friends.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Buhday33 said:


> Yes - he is a co worker and lives in town from what I know. As far as the gym, I have that part down consistently now, it's just the food aspect that kills me. Right now, with the way I'm feeling, even the thought of fast/fatty food makes me sick. I went to the gym 4 times this week for one hour HIIT sessions.
> 
> She also asked me what she could do to help me. I told her that her and I need to do a weekly weigh in together and track my weight. That would help keep me accountable and we've started doing that.
> 
> ...


Find out more about the guy, without asking your wife. 

She's ok with you talking to your boss because she knows nothing will come of it, and because she's doing something similar, albeit more likely to become something because the guy is likely not just a friendly ear, he's working/playing her.

Both of you should just be discussing your issues with each other, period.


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## fluffycoco (May 29, 2021)

Feels like she doesn't love you anymore but somehow still feel obligated to say she loves you she wouldn't be too happy with you


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are allowing your wife to start a relationship with another man because you feel like you can’t live without her and she’s better than you. 
you say she’s “disowned her family”.... not a good sign.
She has no friends..... also not a good sign.

Nothing in your post describes a relationship that is sustainable. She’s not attracted to you, wants to have a relationship with another man, and has lost a bunch of weight and you can tell something is off. It is.

You have got to get out of doormat mode. You weigh and likely look the same as when you married. It’s not your appearance, the problem is that your wife has developed feelings for another man and her feelings for you are basically zero.

Im sorry, I know this hurts, but you are spinning your wheels going to therapy when there’s another man I’m the equation.

Please don’t be naive enough to believe your wife just wants a make friends to talk to. It’s a lie. It doesn’t work like that and your feelings that something is different between you two is correct.

When one’s wife suddenly needs to talk to and meet another man—— the marriage should be over on your end. That’s no way to live, brother. And it’s just the beginning of the end.
Save your dignity and tell her to switch jobs or you’re switching wives.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Her weight loss has caused an imbalance in the marriage. We see it all the time. Ever see those reality shows where a woman goes on losing a lot of weight. It never goes well for the husband who is either not in shape or simultaneously getting in shape to match her results.

She knows that her sex rank is way up and is now getting the attention of guys that wouldn’t give her a 2nd glimpse in the past. Right now she’s close to crossing the line. You should not be afraid to voice your feelings on her “friend”. It doesn’t bother you a little. It is deal breaker and you need to act like it is.

Also stop talking to your mentor about your personal life. Your wife is using that mentor friendship with your boss to enable her to continue this EA. Yep, this is an EA, which is why she is deleting text. Don’t put your guard down because he’s older. Women are attracted to older men. 

Lastly, you need to up your effort in the gym and also shut your pie whole. The amount of time and effort she put in to lose 70 lbs must have been huge, yet you continued slack on your effort. No more excuses, you have been coasting for way too long.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Buhday33 said:


> Am I overthinking all of this? I'd be devastated if she ever cheated on me. However, I made her promise me if she ever did, or has, to just be up front and rip the band-aid off and don't drag it out. She obliged.


In order:

1. No
2. Prepare to be devastated 
3. That's laughable, don't hold your breath.

If your wife is so willing to write her family off guess what else she'd be willing to do? Grow some balls and stand up for yourself - you tell her there is no room for other men, just as there's no room for you having a female mentor. If it fails then time to bail.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Buhday33 said:


> Yes - he is a co worker and lives in town from what I know. As far as the gym, I have that part down consistently now, it's just the food aspect that kills me. Right now, with the way I'm feeling, even the thought of fast/fatty food makes me sick. I went to the gym 4 times this week for one hour HIIT sessions.


HIIT is not enough, you need to start lifting weights!

get the book *ASAP*: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 - Kindle edition by Kay, Athol. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

This book helped thousands of husbands, It describes your problem and how to fix it, Read it, and *never tell her about it!

AND*


Benbutton said:


> If your wife is so willing to write her family off guess what else she'd be willing to do? Grow some balls and stand up for yourself - you tell her there is no room for other men, just as there's no room for you having a female mentor. If it fails then time to bail.


Trust us (we have experience) when we tell you that your best course of action is be strong and decisive, or prepare for the devastation coming your way.
Lose your feminine attitude and traits by confiding and having female friends,* where are your male friends?!!!*
And drop the *feminine *roles that your doing around the house, this is contributing heavily to your unattractiveness (even if she/or any female friends tell you otherwise!)

Read the book quick, it's short, and you will see how your actions contributed to losing your attractiveness, and most likely... your marriage will follow if you don't act!


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## Willnotbill (May 13, 2021)

A couple thoughts after reading the first post. 

I don't think married or people in a committed relationship should have a, lets just say special friendship with someone of the opposite sex. That doesn't mean you have to be rude or unfriendly to someone of the opposite sex. For example I talk my female neighbor often when we are outside in the yard. Never have I went inside her home to be alone with her or her into my home. It doesn't look good, rumors start, people can get the wrong idea and its disrespectful to our spouses. This is just my opinion. Since you mentioned your mentor is a work mentor you should not be asking her for marriage or personal advice. I would keep work relationships about work and nothing else. If your name comes up for promotion your superiors could say you're doing a great job and then you mentor says forget it his personal life is a mess.

The OP also mentions his wife wants a (male) friend she can talk to. I believe it takes a long time to develop a friendship where you can trust someone to talk with and really open up to about personal issues. I wouldn't want to dump my personal problems on someone I just me in the grocery line. I don't think it would be a friendship that would last long or one I would trust for advice.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Both of you need to get mentors of the same sex. It's crazy of her to say that women can't be trusted, that's just an excuse. If she needs to talk then she can find a good female counsellor. You should talk to a male friend.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I suspect, yes suspect, that she has been confiding in this guy for some time, for some spell.

This changing of her schedule would have me worried.

She may be under a spell, his spell.

Her not wanting to have sex with... old-tubby you?
She finds you, sex with you a turn-off?

I suspect, she already has compared you with other men.
I suspect she is comparing you to her new male co-worker, her confessor, her confider.

I suspect she has seen him up close, maybe too close, hopefully not, maybe naked?
In her dreams, even yes, her daydreams.

When she told you she did not find you attractive, was it after she sampled the other man?

She is mentally weighing you, and weighing her marriage.
She is also weighing the OM, the coworker.

She is weighing a life with him, certainly with him or some other man... in mind.
She has had these feelings for some time, believe me.
Hence, her weight loss.


She is letting you down slow, she is letting the air out of you slowly, very slowly so as to not make herself appear callous, nor rash.

I believe she has a conscience, but it has lost a lot of credence, of clout, of heft...that weight.

Her guilt is slipping some, following her slimmed-down life and mind.


Your only choice is to take that one thing she finds abhorrent about you, your figure.
Lose all your fat and keep it off.

If not for her, but for you and the longer life promised to healthy-weight men.
........................................................................................................................................


I heard a rumor that chubby men's penises get longer when they lose a lot of weight!

Whether they do, or seem to, is the same thing, it has the same effect.


_King Brian- _I am short and fat, all around, but I am powerful, rich and famous, you are not.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

You said your wife is now hot, don't you think her male friend thinks the same thing? As it's already been said, at the time as a fat chick you were the best she could do. Now her marketplace value has gone up while yours at best has stayed the same. Haven't you heard about women who get implants then "suddenly" find a new guy? Same effect here. She now has options that she didn't before. In fact she might even resent you for having standards so low that you loved the old her (that she probably hates).


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

It sounds like you and your wife are now in an unequable position socially. She is slimmer and hot now and probably has men hitting on her, including this guy she wants o be friends with. All you can do is work on your weight and try to get healthy, but you have to do it for you not for her. If you do it for her you will fail. I would sit her down and set your boundaries. Tell her you do not feel comfortable with her having male friends. Tell her you cannot forbid her to be friends with the guy, but that you need to let her know that if she allows it to go beyond friendship, then you will have to do what you need to do to protect yourself emotionally and financially, and if that means ending the marriage then that is what it may come to. You cannot threaten her or try to control her, but you can set boundaries for what you are willing to tolerate in the marriage.


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## Fenris (Mar 4, 2014)

My ex wife told me she loved me on the way to the OM's house to sleep with him for the first time.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Occam's Razor. 

She hasn't been attracted to you because you've been lazy. Lazy about your body and the chores, etc. Seems you are starting to up your game. The hope for you is that her feelings for you rebound as you catch up to her. Time will tell.

I wouldn't get too caught up in this coworker yet. Keep an eye on it, but the more you act jealous and suspicious of her, the more you will push her away. Be stealth about your observations.

Hit the gym, cut out the lazy, go to therapy, and silently observe.


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## Hacker1234 (May 29, 2020)

Gabriel is right.
I was in your shoes once, right about your age too. I was just lazy. It is not the weight.
When you guys are lying in bed at night, she will be thinking about all the things that need to get done. And she will not be in the mood. You really need to up your game, so she has less time to think about all the things and thinks about you instead. Trust me, the sex will come roaring back.

Also I highly doubt she is cheating. But you really need to setup a boundary here.
Also if you are 5 6 and 220 lbs, you are not that heavy. And it would be easy to knock that down, focus more on cutting out whatever crap you are eating or drinking.

You are about to have an amazing relationship.

Pro tip from a guy that has been married for like forever. If you see her doing chores, get up and do chores too. Nothing pisses a wife off more when she doing chores and you are just sitting there.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Keep up the gym work, its good for you no matter what.

You need to do some recon about what she is doing with this guy (maybe try to recover deleted texts).

Both of you should not have co-workers acting like therapists. This was a bad move on your part and now she is using it against you.

Seems like she is in EA at a minimum.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Hacker1234 said:


> Pro tip from a guy that has been married for like forever. If you see her doing chores, get up and do chores too. Nothing pisses a wife off more when she doing chores and you are just sitting there


From his post it seems he started doing all the chores and she is the one sitting, they don't even have kids!!
Once a wife starts giving intimacy in exchange for chores you will be swimming in dangerous waters!
It's called: *Betaization*
Athol Kay explains this process very well in his famous book: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 - Kindle edition by Kay, Athol. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

@Buhday33 is going through this *Betaization *ward for ward..
@Buhday33 should read and start implementing the MAP in the book ASAP!


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## Hacker1234 (May 29, 2020)

I dunno........ Maybe........

However I find that doing what needs to be done around the house is Alpha. If you are a grown adult male, you know things need to get done and you do them.

It is one thing if she walks by the trash and barks orders to empty it. You say NO, and tell her she has two arms and can do it herself. If you saw it was full you would just do what needed to get done.

Being an adult you man up and do it. It is not some feminine BS.

I made the mistake in my younger years and didn't lift a finger, it caused some drama. And rightfully so.

Doing what needs to be done is not beta. As long as you are not taking orders.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> You need to stop talking to your boss about your personal issues. It doesn't matter that your wife is ok with it - it is wrong. As you can see, your wife is already using it as an excuse to talk to another man about your marriage and that never ends well. And, your boss can use it against you when she stops regarding you as a son. Unless it is a therapist, do not involve others in your marriage problems. Three people in a marriage is one too many. Talk to your wife or maybe a good male friend.
> 
> I gather your wife doesn't have any female friends? Beware of the person who has no same sex friends.


I've only read some of the first page so far.

You really summed up what I was thinking. Including feeling wary of someone who has no same sex friends.

Stop speaking with your boss about personal issues. You're not a pseudo-son, you're an employee. If she's guiding you with work paths, work-related interpersonal skills etc that's all good. Keep the boundaries to the professional field. Regardless of there not being romantic potential. Tell your wife that you're not doing this anymore. Seek out male company, or better yet, a therapist. As for your wife's comment that women can be gossipy, sure that can happen, yet women as friends can also be deeply loyal and protective; it's about surrounding herself with quality friendships - and that does take time to build. She also needs to be able to be a good friend in return. Granted, I do have a close male friend yet he's gay. I also have amazing women around me as friends.

For her to consider talking about some kind of personal issues with a man at work is completely unprofessional, and just provides potential for crossing boundaries (whether with him or another); particularly given that she is expressing that she's not that attracted to you, she's feeling some kind of loss or loneliness, and that she's lost a bunch of weight and her lifestyle/goals are changing. The priority for a relationship to continue, is for those changes to occur between you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The more you chase her, the further she will run.
Don’t be stupid enough to allow this “male friend” nonsense. Make it plain to her and don’t bluff: If she wants to test drive another man, she can do it as your ex wife, but not as your wife. Short and to the point.

I was warned when I went through this that once it starts, it never gets better.
It doesn’t.

I know you don’t want to hear this, but seeing an attorney and heading the other direction—-that’s the only hope you have to get through the pain faster, and possibly have your wife see that her security blanket is running the other way and not staying sAfely at home for her while she test rides her new dude.

weakness never got a man anywhere with a woman. Tolerating your wife cultivating a relationship with another man is the epitome of weakness.

I didn’t step up to the plate when my ex wife blindsided me with her infidelity. Had I given her hard, fast, nuclear consequences— is likely not have had to deal with all this. But hey, who wants a woman that has no loyalty?

is it you?


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Hacker1234 said:


> However I find that doing what needs to be done around the house is Alpha. If you are a grown adult male, you know things need to get done and you do them.
> 
> It is one thing if she walks by the trash and barks orders to empty it. You say NO, and tell her she has two arms and can do it herself. If you saw it was full you would just do what needed to get done.


Doing your part of house chores and helping out is fine, Athol Kay even tells you when is the best time to do the chores, everybody does it (Hay single Alpha Chads do clean their houses and do there own chores) but he said she used that as an excuse to not be intimate with him, that looks like a transaction to me: You do that and I give you this!
*That's the problem!*

@Buhday33 is going over and beyond so she can be intimate with him is the problem!

@Buhday33, when your wife doesn't want to be intimate with you and says your not attractive because of your extra weight, after that she comes and tells you she wants to confide in a male co-worker, that is a HUGE RED FLAG and a disaster waiting to happen!

You can't just say I want to confide with a female co-worker and go to work and grab any female and start to confide with them, can you?!
Confiding with someone is a process that takes time and effort, you need to be good friends with them and have that level of trust that can only be built overtime, takes months, does she already know and trusts that guy to confide with him but you didn't know about it?!

Does she know that guy before and she didn't tell you? If you *combine *that with the *i*ntimacy problem, isn't that fishy to you?!!

For the intimacy problem, sit and think about this: if your wife knows that if she doesn't give you any bedroom action, and there are women out there who are willing to bang you AND you are capable of smashing if you wanted to, do you think she will play this chore transaction crap with you?

The moment she started to negotiate intimacy with you, your response should have been something like: Hay you're right, I will help around the house, but listen and listen to me carefully, *I don't negotiate for intimacy*, if you can't meet my basic needs than there is no point for me to stick around and play husband!

Stand up, hit the gym, meet you friends and go out with them and start having a hobby and be normal and fun to be around... and watch what happens!

Stop pining after her, stop chasing her.

And for the guy she wants to confide with, tell her: Nope not going to happen, if you do, I'm not sticking around!
For now you really need to keep your emotions out of it before you get hurt, and deal with your household like a CEO.
Be strong and decisive (These are very attractive traits to women)!

And stop confiding with your female boss, and start having only male friends.

We can only offer you advice, you can take it or leave it, but one thing for sure is that we do have experience (At least for me since I used to be a big player in the dating scene)

...and get the book!


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## Chaparralredux (Apr 21, 2021)

I don’t remember seeing it but find the guy on social media and see what’s going on in his life. Also, check the phone bills to see if she is texting/talking to him. Especially at odd hours. Often, you will see emotional affair partners getting up in the middle of the night to contact each other, also spending more time in the bathroom or other ways to be “alone.”
Google signs of cheating wife for a complete list of red flags.


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