# Performance Anxiety



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I'm having a difficult time with my husband right now. He seems to be more attracted to the tv than he is to me. He stays up for hours and hours watching tv, even after I've told him that I want to make love to him and any time he is willing I am ready.

Well, he comes into the bedroom hours after I have initiated and most of the time I've fallen asleep. He then tries to wake me up and I get upset because I have to go to work in the morning and I feel like he could be more considerate of my time.

After much prodding, come to find out he needs to "get himself together" before coming in the bedroom to make love to me. He said he feels pressured when I initiate because of the expectation that he will ultimately get me to climax. I don't understand this pressure he claims to feel because 9 times out of 10 he gets me there. 

At any rate, I make him nervous. I have no idea why and I told him to relax but he keeps on avoiding sex with me. We generally have sex 2-3x per week, but I know we could do it more often. For instance, we haven't had sex for the last couple of days even though I've initiated twice! 

I'm honestly at a loss.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I sort of have a similar issue, in that my husband really really expected me to climax, and sometimes, I just can't. He would say things while we made love about me doing it for HIM, and they I totally couldn't do it. For us though, it doesn't matter who initiates...ugh


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Can I ask if you ladies are doing anything to improve your percentages in having an orgasm? Learning or thinking about what makes you cum, so you can teach him how your body works? Even doing your own research on-line to find out different ways to float your boat. G-spots, a-spots, different positions or techniques... Even watching some educational porn together. Get some books about oral sex. Whatever. Help him feel like there's a way to "improve".

I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong, BTW. But as a guy, learning how to help someone cum can be difficult. And it's easy to let that undermine your confidence, especially if it happens more than rarely. Sorry, but that's the way it is. You can try to relax him, tell him that just because you don't orgasm, it can still feel really really good. But it's not the same.

C


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

The thing about it is, more often than not I DO cum! The occassions when I don't are so rare, it's not even worth mentioning. I don't think of our lovemaking experience as something that disappoints me at all. Quite the opposite. I always come away satisfied.

It's like if he doesn't get me there every single time, then it's a problem. I don't know what to tell him, but I can't do anything about it if he avoids me.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I think I just need to relax somehow...it seems like over the years I have gotten really really wound up


----------



## maggot brain (Nov 28, 2010)

themrs said:


> 9 times out of 10 he gets me there.
> 
> We generally have sex 2-3x per week


Count your blessings. You have it pretty good. Chill.


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

maggot brain said:


> Count your blessings. You have it pretty good. Chill.



I'm not complaining about the frequency. It's just I feel ignored by him most of the time and he admitted that he avoids me because he feels pressured by me to perform. I can't remember a time when I have ever said anything to him about his lovemaking unless it was to praise him. 

I just don't like my husband being uncomfortable and anxious.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Ok so you climax 9 times out of 10 and yet you make him nervous. Thats an interesting word. Have you considered a 180 and not initiating for while? Take the pressure off. Does he initiate? If so does he have that problem then. Also how do you initiate? Words or actions?


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> Ok so you climax 9 times out of 10 and yet you make him nervous. Thats an interesting word. Have you considered a 180 and not initiating for while? Take the pressure off. Does he initiate? If so does he have that problem then. Also how do you initiate? Words or actions?


I have considered not initiating for a while. I think I may do that. I don't know what I'm doing to make him nervous.

He does initiate, but always at the wrong times. Like yesterday, it was the middle of the afternoon and all the kids were up running around the house like crazy. I wouldn't have minded, but we have 7 month old twins who were also awake and I really need to keep an eye on them. I feel like he initiates when he knows I'm going to say no because the kids aren't settled, but it could be that he really does just want it at those times.

I initiate with words and actions. I am direct and I will say, "Come to bed with me. I want to make love to you." That makes him nervous I guess, because he will come to bed HOURS later after I've fallen asleep. This morning, I started rubbing and kissing his back to try and get him to wake up so we could do it, but he wouldn't wake up. He was knocked out! When he did wake up he said, "Were you rubbing my back earlier or was I dreaming? It felt so good!" I wanted to roll my eyes, but I just said that I was.

Tonight I'm just going to play it cool and see if he comes to me. I hope he does.


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

The more I think about it. . . he acts nervous when I show him lots of affection too. Like he doesn't know what to do or something. The other day, I came up to him while he was making dinner and started hugging him and kissing him. He seemed uptight. I have asked him in the past if he likes that sort of affection and he always says yes, but his body language doesn't give me the same feedback.

Also, he never just leans into kiss me. He always asks me first if he can have a kiss or just tells me to kiss him. It's a little thing, but I notice it.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

themrs said:


> He does initiate, but always at the wrong times. Like yesterday, it was the middle of the afternoon and all the kids were up running around the house like crazy. I wouldn't have minded, but we have 7 month old twins who were also awake and I really need to keep an eye on them. I feel like he initiates when he knows I'm going to say no because the kids aren't settled, but it could be that he really does just want it at those times.


Yes he might have really wanted you in the middle of the afternoon and you rejected him. I'm not saying leave your twins in harms way while you go have sex I'm saying you need to learn how to redirect without saying no. When he intiates PRAISE him and say how fabulous that is and how much you want him. Grab his crotch and say oooohhhh I want that, give him a long kiss and promise him there will be more later once they kids are in bed. Tell him you are counting the minutes with a wink in your eye.

He might just be sensitive or feeling controlled by you since you are the one calling the shots. You also could try softening your approach instead of kinda demanding that he come to bed try watching tv with him and ask if it's okay if you give him a massage. He seems uncomfortable with the advances - how does he initiate when he comes to you?


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> Yes he might have really wanted you in the middle of the afternoon and you rejected him. I'm not saying leave your twins in harms way while you go have sex I'm saying you need to learn how to redirect without saying no. When he intiates PRAISE him and say how fabulous that is and how much you want him. Grab his crotch and say oooohhhh I want that, give him a long kiss and promise him there will be more later once they kids are in bed. Tell him you are counting the minutes with a wink in your eye.
> 
> He might just be sensitive or feeling controlled by you since you are the one calling the shots. You also could try softening your approach instead of kinda demanding that he come to bed try watching tv with him and ask if it's okay if you give him a massage. He seems uncomfortable with the advances - how does he initiate when he comes to you?



I've tried watching tv with him until he's ready, but he can watch marathons and I always fall asleep. 

When he comes to me it's generally when I'm laying in the bed and he will climb on top of me or rub my back or something.

I will try softening my approach. I do not want my husband to feel rejected.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Another thought is you have little babies. Does your husband get enough "cave time"? I know I'm probably grasping here but maybe it's not performance anxiety but a need for alone time. Does he stay up late to watch tv all the time or just on nights when you initiate? Also what if you initiate a day in advance? You know plenty of notice so he can be prepared. "Honey I'd like to have sex with you on Friday and I'd like it to be at 10pm?" Maybe he's not spontaneous.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

One thing that stands out is that he seems to want to surprise you, in a sense, with a sudden desire for sex. Like he's wanting to hurry up and get it over without much forethought. This and his other behaviors could hurt you unless you see that all of this seems to be his fear of just overthinking everything. Its why some cases of ED are just mental, and not physiological. 

When you think about his fear as more of a way of thinking that he has fallen into, then perhaps it even makes sense why he gets intimidated when you are direct about your intentions. Its like he just wants it to happen without giving himself a chance to think about it.

About the only thing that you can do is to make sure he understands that you don't want there to be any pressure in intimacy. That it wouldn't be the end of the world to you if things fizzle sometimes (pun intended). He has to find ways not to get caught up in his own made up stress. Maybe you can try just surprising him with it, like hinting that you're not in the mood, but suddenly changing without time to process it.


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Thanks for all the great advice. I think it may be a combination of all the things mentioned (not enough cave time, and wanting it to "just happen"). 

So, last night we played Scrabble, put the kids to bed, then we watched Cheers on Netflix while I put my head on his lap. He beat me at Scrabble so he was joking about how my butt must hurt from the whooping he gave me. I acted coy and told him he blew it and moved away from him. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back saying I was being a sore loser. I responded he was being a sore winner. Then he said, "I'm not sore about it." and I laughed. 

Anyway being as how my butt was "sore" from him beating me at a board game, he began to rub it and one thing led to another. I got up and said I was going to the bed room. He asked me, "Do you want me to make love to you?" and I responded "Of course!". 

Afterwards, I asked him why he asked me if I wanted to make love when clearly my body language indicated that I did. He said, "Sometimes it's just nice to hear you say yes." 

So, I guess being less direct is what he wants. It seems he doesn't want me to ask him as much as he'd rather ask me. I don't know. I know he does want me to initiate, but I guess he'd rather me be more receptive to his advances.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

themrs said:


> Afterwards, I asked him why he asked me if I wanted to make love when clearly my body language indicated that I did. He said, "Sometimes it's just nice to hear you say yes."
> 
> So, I guess being less direct is what he wants. It seems he doesn't want me to ask him as much as he'd rather ask me. I don't know. I know he does want me to initiate, but I guess he'd rather me be more receptive to his advances.


YEAH!! Thats awesome!!


----------

