# Rebound Down



## Jellybeans

Well all, I had my first rebound dating experience post-divorce.

It lasted just 3 months and while I really liked the guy and felt a connection at first, there were some core differences: he requents bars & I don't; and he was best friends with his ex girlfriend whereas I'm barely acquaintances with my exes. The thing with his ex was tricky: they work together, see eachother most days, talk and text daily, he hangs out with her and her husband (yes she's married) often, even on the weekends, and he told me the last girl he dated before me "couldn't handle" his relationship with his ex which is why they broke up. He mentioned his ex/best friend constantly to the point where it was making me uncomfortable. I never came out and said it but I was getting my cards together to tell him I was going to break it off (yes I wrote down what I was going to say to him) and he called me and broke it off first! LOL. I admit I felt a sting of teensy rejection BUT know it wouldn't have worked anyway because I woulda never been ok with this relationship he has with his best friend/ex girlfriend/married friend. I told him_ "I agree with you that this is a good idea to call this off. This situation isn't working for me either." _ He seemed surprised that I didn't grovel and that I was really upbeat (My motto: never let them see you sweat!) It was like the easiest break up ever! He even said "Wow, you are really good at this!" 

So... when talking to our mutual friends I told them "We decided to call it off. I really like him but we have some core differences. Plus, he's the close relationship he has with his ex girlfriend seems strange to me."

Said mutual friends told me they never even knew the two had dated. And I felt kinda bad saying this about how the relationship seemed odd to me but should I feel bad for doing so?

Word may get back to him. Yet at the same time, maybe it's good he sees that people think the situation is odd. He did mention this woman's husband had made comments about their friendship yet the 3 of them hang out constantly. This seems like Opposite World to me. When I was married, I wouldn't have dreamed of being best friends with an ex. The husband even made the comment to the guy I was dating that when he and the wife/best friend had their baby, he thought the baby was the guy I am dating's cause he looked like him (the guy I am dating). I thought this was massively weird. 

Anyway... I feel silly for feeling rejected when I was going to call it off.

Was I wrong to tell my friends that their relationship seemed odd to me? I never like to speak negatively of anyone I've dated just out of sheer respect. 

What do you guys think?

The good thing is I had my first rebound. I waited to date 1.5 year post divorce.


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## hope4family

Well no I dont think its wrong to tell people why it was a good idea to call it off. The thing is, it wouldn't have hurt anyone if you didn't say anything. 

Otherwise, oh yeah, that's weird and congrats! To me ex's who dated and are best friends are a red flag. The situation must be examined as to why they dated and then broke up to begin with. For example, if they dated in high school for 3 weeks and then broke up. Yeah no real issues if they are friends now. 

If they dated for 6 months, and broke up. Yeah, were entering "strange" territory for me.

Congrats on the rebound!


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## Matt1720

posOM was an ex.

so no, you're not crazy or wrong for feeling that way.

you don't carry around headless, chewed up Barbies around with you all day do you? Same concept.


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## Jellybeans

hope4family said:


> Congrats on the rebound!


Thanks 



Matt1720 said:


> you don't carry around headless, chewed up Barbies around with you all day do you? Same concept.


:rofl: Love this description!


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## hope4family

Matt1720 said:


> posOM was an ex.
> 
> so no, you're not crazy or wrong for feeling that way.
> 
> you don't carry around headless, chewed up Barbies around with you all day do you? Same concept.



Epic.:lol:


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## Paradise

Sweet! Jelly had her rebound relationship and is now ready to date one of us good guys here on TAM! 

This is good that you had this one. Thing is it has been long enough since your divorce that it probably wasn't much of a "rebound" as it was just learning what you want in a relationship and what you don't want.


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## ing

Paradise said:


> Sweet! Jelly had her rebound relationship and is now ready to date one of us good guys here on TAM!
> .


I do believe I am ahead in the TAM dating Jelly Queue!


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## vi_bride04

OOOOOOOO a TAM hookup 

LOL


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## Jellybeans

You guys are a mess. Thanks for the laugh.

I agree that it was def about learning what i don't want. I know for sure that in the future, I will not at all be into dating someone who is best friends and has that close of a relationship with their ex. What it taught me was that it's not something I'm into and I would want to date someone who feels the same.

Learning experiences!


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## Paradise

Geez, I thought women only laughed at me in real life! 

I've had a few mini-relationships since my divorce and I have found that there are just a lot of really messed up people out there! Ha! 

Have yet to really find anyone that I connect with. Kind of sad but I am starting to also enjoy my single life.


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## Lon

Jellybeans said:


> You guys are a mess. Thanks for the laugh.
> 
> I agree that it was def about learning what i don't want. I know for sure that in the future, I will not at all be into dating someone who is best friends and has that close of a relationship with their ex. What it taught me was that it's not something I'm into and I would want to date someone who feels the same.
> 
> Learning experiences!


I hate my ex... no scratch that I have indifference towards her. And I have more posts on here than Paradise or Ing. So... what else you into?? :ezpi_wink1:

teasing of course, long distance doesn't work for me, lol, I just wanted to make it known you are one of the good ones. And I don't know if its right calling that one a "rebound" You didn't go looking for the next guy that came along to start a LTR with - welcome back to the world of dating, get ready for more of the same, lol!


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## Paradise

Got me there, Lon. Guess if we are using # of posts as indication of dating worth then Jelly is far out of my league anyway!


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## Lon

Paradise said:


> Got me there, Lon. Guess if we are using # of posts as indication of dating worth then Jelly is far out of my league anyway!


Yeah, all of us


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## heartsbeating

Jellybeans said:


> Was I wrong to tell my friends that their relationship seemed odd to me? I never like to speak negatively of anyone I've dated just out of sheer respect.


You stated your opinion and you're entitled to that. I think intent is important - that you were just sharing why it didn't work from your perspective rather than trying to stir it.

It seems you feel a little funky for expressing this opinion though, so maybe that's something to tuck under your hat and not do again. I'm not saying it's wrong or making a judgement on it, rather it's just that _you_ don't seem comfortable with it yourself, so gauge by that and keep on keepin' on!


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## stillhoping

Its all about the learning right now, isn't it? It may have just crossed a line, but not really a bad thing. Very exciting that you entered the dating pool, keep going. I intend to go right back to my theory when I was in college, say yes to almost anyone, you never know when you will find a prince under that frog. And I only mean I said yes to dates, not s*x!


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## that_girl

Woot! Back in the game...back on the saddle.

He sounds like a real ....uh..... sounds like he's just WAITING for his ex to have marital issues. THAT IS NOT NORMAL to be up your exes ass.

Well, cheers to you and your rebound down. Now....get back on the horse. :rofl: I hate that saying.


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## ScarletBegonias

Jellybeans said:


> Was I wrong to tell my friends that their relationship seemed odd to me? I never like to speak negatively of anyone I've dated just out of sheer respect.
> 
> What do you guys think?


first,rejection is rejection.doesn't matter if you were planning on breaking it off.doesn't matter if it wasn't going to work.you're still human and whether we want to admit this or not,we like being accepted and it hurts when someone wants to leave us. 

I think it's perfectly fine to give your friends an explanation about the breakup.I have a feeling you did it in a respectful way and you weren't a backbiter about it.You stated the facts as you saw them,the relationship between him and the ex is odd to you. (i wouldn't have made it three months bc of that...it would be too weird for me.) 

For a rebound breakup,you did well most rebound breakups are traumatic.


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## Jellybeans

Lon said:


> I just wanted to make it known you are one of the good ones.


Thank you. 



Lon said:


> And I don't know if its right calling that one a "rebound" You didn't go looking for the next guy that came along to start a LTR with


This is very true. I was not at all looking to settle down or anything. It WAS a nice time and the flirting was great after so long of ...well, nothing. So while I wasn't looking for anything serious, I think it was a good thing I got my feet wet.



heartsbeating said:


> It seems you feel a little funky for expressing this opinion though, so maybe that's something to tuck under your hat and not do again. I'm not saying it's wrong or making a judgement on it, rather it's just that _you_ don't seem comfortable with it yourself, so gauge by that and keep on keepin' on!


Yeah I am definitey going to heed how I felt about this and in the future, stick to zipping it like how I normally do. 



that_girl said:


> He sounds like a real ....uh..... sounds like he's just WAITING for his ex to have marital issues. THAT IS NOT NORMAL to be up your exes ass.


That's what I thought, too. It just was so odd to me. It's because I would never fathom being best friends with my ex when married/partnered. They all just carry on like it's no big deal but to me, it's so strange. I can't imagine her husband is happy with the situation--with the fact that she calls her ex (the guy I dated) her "male best friend." I think that title should go to your husband, not your ex. 

I really could not at all understand this situation. It was totally fascinating (and creepy) to me.



ScarletBegonias said:


> first,rejection is rejection.doesn't matter if you were planning on breaking it off.doesn't matter if it wasn't going to work.you're still human and whether we want to admit this or not,we like being accepted and it hurts when someone wants to leave us.
> 
> I think it's perfectly fine to give your friends an explanation about the breakup.I have a feeling you did it in a respectful way and you weren't a backbiter about it.You stated the facts as you saw them,the relationship between him and the ex is odd to you. (i wouldn't have made it three months bc of that...it would be too weird for me.)
> 
> For a rebound breakup,you did well most rebound breakups are traumatic.


Hehe. Thanks, Scarlet. Luckily it was not traumatic. It ended pretty well and respectfully on both parts. It does sting I didn't get to call it off first (as I'd be rehearsing how to for 3 weeks already) but I know I wouldn't have been happy if this went on any longer--the ex thing was too weird for me. 

And nothing will EVER be as traumatic as my divorce. No way, no how. That was like a machete in my heart. This, while it stung a little, barely registered in comparison.

Now a question--he friended me on FB when we first met. So now we're friends on there! I've never dealt with this before. Do I unriend/hide him from my news feed? What? I haven't checked his page 1 time since we ended it. I am a pretty private person so I don't know how to handle this. Truthfully I don't want him seeing my updates (not that I post hardly) but... I don't want to seem petty and block/delete him either since we ended on pretty good terms.

Advice?


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## ScarletBegonias

Jellybeans said:


> Now a question--he friended me on FB when we first met. So now we're friends on there! I've never dealt with this before. Do I unriend/hide him from my news feed? What? I haven't checked his page 1 time since we ended it. I am a pretty private person so I don't know how to handle this. Truthfully I don't want him seeing my updates (not that I post hardly) but... I don't want to seem petty and block/delete him either since we ended on pretty good terms.
> 
> Advice?


If I am trying to avoid looking petty or avoid having the other person think they got under my skin, I leave them as a friend and limit their access to all my posts/pictures. Chances are,they won't notice anyway and it helps me keep my life more private without giving them a swollen head "oooh she deleted me,i must have gotten to her.i'm the man."

unsubscribe from his stuff so you don't have to see his updates.

OR take the direct approach and say hey it didn't work out and I think it's weird to remain in each others lives even on fb.so no offense but it's best if we defriend.


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## Jellybeans

Yeah and that is just it--I don't want him thinking he got under my skin (cause he didn't really) but I generally have a rule where I don't stay in touch with exes on a regular basis. 

I am hardly ever on FB anyway and rarely post. Maybe 1x a monh. I've stayed away from his page too. Idk what to do. Maybe I will leave him on and then in a few months unfriend? Idk. Or I can limit what he views.


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## ScarletBegonias

Jellybeans said:


> Yeah and that is just it--I don't want him thinking he got under my skin (cause he didn't really) but I generally have a rule where I don't stay in touch with exes on a regular basis.
> 
> I am hardly ever on FB anyway and rarely post. Maybe 1x a monh. I've stayed away from his page too. Idk what to do. Maybe I will leave him on and then in a few months unfriend? Idk. Or I can limit what he views.


that's always an option...leaving him then waiting a bit before deleting him.

thinking about it, that might actually be the best course of action. deleting him now will definitely send the wrong message.

until you delete him,keep him on a limited access


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## Jellybeans

ScarletBegonias said:


> until you delete him,keep him on a limited access


Good idea


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## Almostrecovered

did you at least get laid?


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## Jellybeans

Haha. A lady never tells 

But seriously--I really really want to get laid. But I have realized I also do not want to do that until I am in a "relationship." Not just dating.

Though one of my guy friends and I were hanging & discussing male/female friendships (thanks, TAM!) and he point blank told me he found me attractive and "totally would" and this idea is sounding really good right now BUT... I know our friendship trumps any hanky panky we could ever have. Damn.

So does this mean we're "not just friends" if he said that? 

Also, how does one go about establishing they are in a relationship before knocking boots. Not everything is so black/white. I tend to think one should wait til the connection is there but hwo do you know it's not just hormones ruling you and that this other person is serious about establishing a relationship?

I am puzzled because I am not looking to settle down yet I do want to wait for sex til I am in a relationship. I'm a walking contradiction.


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## ScarletBegonias

Jellybeans said:


> Haha. A lady never tells
> 
> But seriously--I really really want to get laid. But I have realized I also do not want to do that until I am in a "relationship." Not just dating.
> 
> Though on eof my guy friends and I were hanging & discussing male/female friendships (thanks, TAM!) and he point blank told me he found me attractive and "totally would" and this idea is sounding really good right now BUT... I know our friendship trumps any hanky panky we could ever have. Damn.


One frustrated deprived lady to another...i feel you. lol

when i saw my ex the other day I wanted to ravage him right there in the middle of the coffee shop. it was bad. i'm lucky i heard a word he said.


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## Almostrecovered

so you are uncomfortable with a FWB situation?


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## Jellybeans

Almostrecovered said:


> so you are uncomfortable with a FWB situation?


Yes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered

Adam Ant - Goody Two Shoes - YouTube


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## Jellybeans

It is what it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy

LOL Jelly I love all of it.

Glad you got back in the game and you're not bitter about it.

I think it's cool that you are waiting till the relationship to do the hibbidy. I find myself fighting my hormones on a regular basis now, but I'd like to at least wait till I find someone special. The FWB thing just doesn't sit well with me (though I'll probably end up changing my mind at some point).

This guy though...definitely weird. Good friends with ex? Texting every day? No thanks..... You can definitely do better, pick someone from the TAM dating queue, sounds like you have plenty of suitors.


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## meson

Jellybeans said:


> Haha. A lady never tells
> 
> But seriously--I really really want to get laid. But I have realized I also do not want to do that until I am in a "relationship." Not just dating.
> 
> Though one of my guy friends and I were hanging & discussing male/female friendships (thanks, TAM!) and he point blank told me he found me attractive and "totally would" and this idea is sounding really good right now BUT... I know our friendship trumps any hanky panky we could ever have. Damn.
> 
> So does this mean we're "not just friends" if he said that?
> 
> Also, how does one go about establishing they are in a relationship before knocking boots. Not everything is so black/white. I tend to think one should wait til the connection is there but hwo do you know it's not just hormones ruling you and that this other person is serious about establishing a relationship?
> 
> I am puzzled because I am not looking to settle down yet I do want to wait for sex til I am in a relationship. I'm a walking contradiction.


No, from your point of view you are only friends so you are not “not just friends”. However it may not be true from his point of view. The complication is that you don’t know how he really feels (unless he decides to tell you). He may be head over heels in love you with and in a complete fog. For him this would be more than friends. Because each person feels the relationship differently one shouldn’t classify the relationship in terms of how just one party feels. That is why I said in the kgirl thread that it was an EA for one person, because one of them was more than a friend. However as I admitted in the thread, it was not really an affair because there was no reciprocation at the time. 

For me the exclusivity really indicates a relationship. If a partner or yourself are not looking for others and each are still exclusively dating and being active together then it is a relationship. As we told our daughter just because you feel the connection doesn’t mean they do so wait until they have demonstrated some exclusivity and general relationship stability.


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## heartsbeating

Almostrecovered said:


> Adam Ant - Goody Two Shoes - YouTube


.....don't drink don't smoke, what do you do?

sex was the vice!


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## Jellybeans

COguy said:


> LOL Jelly I love all of it.
> 
> Glad you got back in the game and you're not bitter about it..


Yea, I am really not bitter about it. If anything, I feel thankful to have had the opportunity to know I can get excited about going on a date with someone, to know that life does go on (hee) and to get my feet wet again, so to speak. It had been a long time where I felt any "like" for anyone.



COguy said:


> This guy though...definitely weird. Good friends with ex? Texting every day? No thanks.....


Agreed. I just cannot imagine having that type of relationship with an ex--especially one who is married. To me it seems both he and she have poor boundaries. I can't imagine he will have an easy time finding a woman to date who'd be ok with this situation. I am very curious as to how the ex's current husband deals with it. I imagine it has to bother him.



meson said:


> No, from your point of view you are only friends so you are not “not just friends”. However it may not be true from his point of view. The complication is that you don’t know how he really feels (unless he decides to tell you). He may be head over heels in love you with and in a complete fog. For him this would be more than friends. Because each person feels the relationship differently one shouldn’t classify the relationship in terms of how just one party feels.


Well we were just talking about male/female friendships that stemmed from my situation -- I told him about me and this guy dating, and this guy being best friends with his ex, who's married. 
And he was saying how usually there is an attraction from 1 or another in male/female friendships and then he made the comment about how he would w/ me. I don't know if there was more to that or he was just making a point. I didn't ask.



meson said:


> For me the exclusivity really indicates a relationship. If a partner or yourself are not looking for others and each are still exclusively dating and being active together then it is a relationship. As we told our daughter just because you feel the connection doesn’t mean they do so wait until they have demonstrated some exclusivity and general relationship stability.


That is good advice.


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