# when you get caught in a lie.



## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Why is it that men tend to stick to a story that makes absoulutly NO SENSE when you know cause its obvious what it really is. that they just wont say it?

So I am sure most of you have read my thread would you have sex or kiss in revenge. Well so I am thinking more clear now its been three months since I have found out that my husband and ex best friend kissed, Well I am just completly irritaded that he is telling me it wasnt sexual it was awkward that the kiss lasted 5 seconds blah blah blah well I am sorry but if you kiss someone and rubb there ass what is soooo awkward about that? and if you didnt want sex why were his hand exploring? And the reason he claims that he did what he did with her is cause he knew she would. But he had to talk her into kissing him? If he was doing it to figure us out I am sorry but why ON EARTH WOULD YOU KISS SOMEONE wth would that confirm for you?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

sorry I am VENTING


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

Sunflower:
please don't take this in the wrong way but.....Are you in counseling? I know that the "kiss and Rub" thing was really wrong and hurtful and frankly an a&%hole thing for your H to do but it kind of looks like you are obsessing a bit about it. If you have decided to move past it then you might need some help getting over it. IMHO. If you have any chance of making a go of your marriage you need to get to the bottom of the "why" it happened together and it may need some outside help. Once you both know the "why" then you can deal with how to fix things both as a couple and as individuals. Its just not healthy for you to be putting in so much energy into it without some professional input. It just does not seem that things are getting better on your end and you seem so nice and your profile pic shows such a beautiful child I just want things to workout for you.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I know I am obsessing it I hate it sometimes I am wonderful sometimes not so much I hate this and your right I need individual counseling. Just me not just marriage. I need to know why I am acting out like this and move forward. its just some days I want to break down and cry uncontrollable


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

Sometimes a tramatic event can actually change your brain's wiring and you need some help to get things back to normal. Thats what the Pro's do for a living. In your case I think just a little perspective and working the issue with a counselor will get things back on track. That being said you two should also get a "tuneup" for your marriage. If you had a broken arm you would go see a M.D. and get it fixed ASAP. Right?? So I'm always so confused when a Marriage has a case of the Flu why people dont go ASAP to a Marriage Dr. before it becomes terminal. Seriously we Men can be so stupid proud that we think "I dont need some quack trying to shrink my brain, I'm to smart for that" then wonder why we are blindsided when our spouses come to us and say "its over". Our Counselor opened both of our eyes and saved our ass from the brink and I would never hesitate to go for a "tune-up".


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I know its just that I keep going in circles and trying to figure out what the heck it is that REALLY hurts me is hard I was going to individual cnslng then stopped she said I was good. then all the emotions came back. I think because I go to that stupid yahoo questions thing and see what people say and they are all so brutal then it really gets me DOWN. Or if I see her or think of how things used to be I get pissed and blame him. Ya I hate it cause I need to be thankful for my life not regretful of it.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

I'm a guy and a Husband and I have done this when caught in a lie

I'm not sure why... With me it was pot smoking, I must have got caught three times and each time, instead of being honest, fessing up, coming clean, or what ever, I just kept trying to lie my way out of it no matter how obvious my lies were.

Sorry I can't help explain why we (some/most men) do that, I just thought I'd chyme in with a validation of your observation.

Your Husband is without a doubt lying to you about what happened and why it happened and what it meant. The reason for him lying in his case is pretty obvious, he is trying to make a relationship ending act seem like a simple misunderstanding.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It isn't just Men it is people in general.

draconis


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

carmaenforcer said:


> I'm a guy and a Husband and I have done this when caught in a lie
> 
> I'm not sure why... With me it was pot smoking, I must have got caught three times and each time, instead of being honest, fessing up, coming clean, or what ever, I just kept trying to lie my way out of it no matter how obvious my lies were.
> 
> ...



:scratchhead: like a misunderstanding no I dont think that he is making it seem that it was a oops he knew what he was doing and he admitted that. He was saying that he did it to figure out our marriage. I guess I am just confused cause well I have never been that lost in a situation were something like that would make any sense? So I dont know maybe he did think that he could get laid maybe not but why would he pick someone so close in our group why not a stranger?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I think many times, lying or 'down-playing' the truth is merely a fear of the other person's reaction if you were to tell the whole truth. Sometimes in communicating, it helps to set the stage for honesty by saying things like 'I'm really having trouble getting past this and I don't want to punish you or throw this back in your face, I just need the truth so I can move on' The key is, it has to feel safe for the other person to open up, so if you cannot keep your end of the bargain (and will later throw this back in their face or keep going over the same thing once they've opened up) it will only reaffirm that they should keep their deepest feelings to themself.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I tried that swedish I said you know I am not going to be mad cause what it looks like is the worst of what I am already thinking. And he says I dont know what you want from me I didnt want her in that way. You want me to say something thats not true? But everyone I talk to says OH he for sure wanted sex or something along the lines. He is bs you. I think thats why I am having such a hard time with it all you know cause its like wtf two sided.


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

The reality is in that moment he probably did want to have sex with her or anything. We all have thoughts at different times of what it would be like to try something new. But He did not follow through. He is also smart enough to know that it would devistate you to hear that at that one moment he was entertaining the thought of sex with someone else. It is just a biological drive. Should he have stopped things before the kiss/grab.....Yes. But did he stop it before doing the deed.....Yes. Should you be pissed at Him.....Yes. But you will only drive him into the arms of another if you can not get over it. If you cant, and I'm not saying you have to, then it is time to get a divorce coach and end it. It just seems to me that if it is just this event that you are so upset with it is pretty minor in the scheme of things and you should be able to move past it.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya he says that if he wanted sex it would have been with someone neither of us even know. He was like do you really think that I am that stupid to do that with someone that we know.


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## Cause-N-Effect (Feb 20, 2009)

my boyfriend took one of his friends to see my friend 
he lied to me abot going when i had no problem of him going over there
when i spoke to him the next day i ask him did he go he said no
my friend was keeping it a secert for him but she finally told me he went
and it just made me think they had somethin going on
then i seen a picture of him that she took of him the night he was there
he was sitting on the couch with his pants unbuckle it kinda bother me
but i wouldnt think about it at times but i would would bring it up randomly
so i dont blame you for your way of thinking
cause im like that at times


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya its hard isnt it and its harder to leave expecially when you love someone. I am not to inocent myself though I played a game of strip poker one night with his bf and mine and we all got naked minuse me down to the undies. And well getting naked with people is just as bad as kissing someone. I felt awful.


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