# Irritating each other - can you bite your tongue?



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

I came across this phrase in an old thread - I've been rummaging to find useful stuff, of which there's usually loads in TAM!

Someone said in a definition of what love was that they'd developed the ability to bite their tongue when they irritated each other. I struggle with a capital S, T, R (you get the picture) on this one.... even if I could do it more than short term, I fret so much about getting over conflict.

How do you perfect an understanding that the other didn't mean anything dealbreaking by being irritable??


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

madimoff said:


> How do you perfect an understanding that the other didn't mean anything dealbreaking by being irritable??


Usually if my H is irritable i check myself first. he is more then likely reacting to me. but if im calm and OK then i ask him if he's OK. maybe he's being passive aggressive or had a crap day at work. i dont take it as personally anymore because i care more about how he's feeling and less about how long he's going to stay with me. i still let him know if he's said something hurtful and i keep my boundaries, but its not really threatening anymore.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I can bite my tongue if he does something that irritates me that isn't a big deal. I kind of do the "will this matter in X yrs?" test on it, but instead of years, it's more like hours or days. If it really won't matter in a few hours, then I see no point in starting a big fight about it. 

But...if he is irritable or he's irritating me in a way that is hurting my feelings, or insulting, or is about something that is a big deal, I tell him. I try, as much as possible, to be nice about it and not just rant at him about what a jerk he's being. More of a "honey, you really hurt me/insulted me when you said X, and it's really bugging me" than a "omg, I can't believe you said that! How could you, you insensitive lout?!" But every now and then he will irritate me to the point of anger, and then I do tend to snap at him over it. But when I do that, I always apologize once I've calmed down, and generally, in those situations, he's realized by then what he did that contributed to it, and he apologizes for his role in it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I am personally NOT for "biting your tongue" totally-or all the time IF you are really upset over something, that YOU KNOW has the potential to bother you. Stuffing our feelings, hiding them, this will build over time, then you can say Hello to your new companion -Resentment. 

Of coarse our Partners do little things that irritate us that really needs no comments, but if you feel SLIGHTED, even a little hurt, call him on it! I agree with what Atruckersgirl said "I try, as much as possible, to be nice about it and not just rant at him about what a jerk he's being. More of a "honey, you really hurt me/insulted me when you said X, and it's really bugging me" 

When I get this way, my husband has no problem saying to me "who pi**ed in your corn flakes today?". Instead of taking it personally, this is HIS way of asking me what is wrong, so we can talk about it. I say similar things to him if he would give me some attitude. Best to not immediately jump into name calling (or ever) , this will only cause defenses to go up & destroy productive communication -- and understanding. 

There is always a reason BEHIND the irritation, it may not even be us (bad day at work, kids getting on our nerves, financial stress, leaky roof etc ). If we jump the gun, and REact wrongly / too quickly / defensively, now it will suddenly BE about us !! Trying to uncover the roots of the irritation -is what our goal should be so we can avoid these triggers in our spouse ( if it has anything to do with us). See what we can do to soothe their day. Calmly asking questions, sharing our hurt if they have slighted us, and listening well, even if some of the things they say are difficult to hear. "Own" what is your part. 

Some people are more conflict avoidant by their nature/ temperments too which can make this even harder. You may have to dig a little to get to the real issues. 

Never name calling -or bringing up past hurts, words, etc. If a spouse IS bringing up anything from the past, it has NOT been resolved -for them. And needs to be. 

Like Blanca said, we have to look at ourselves 1st and our hand in their irritation/attitude, if we have contributed in any way.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Of coarse our Partners do little things that irritate us that really needs no comments, but if you feel SLIGHTED, even a little hurt, call him on it! I agree with what Atruckersgirl said "I try, as much as possible, to be nice about it and not just rant at him about what a jerk he's being. More of a "honey, you really hurt me/insulted me when you said X, and it's really bugging me"


haha...don't agree with me too much, since I'm not managing to follow my own advice and do what I normally do at the moment. Boyfriend and I are pissed at each other again, over something minor again, and he's supposed to be home tonight. Boy, isn't this just gonna be fun!


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

As usual my cruddy internet connection means I've only just seen the replies and won't get a chance to read properly for another 24hrs !!! We seem to get in some big beefs over minor stuff, sometimes realising it's not us it could be family complications, son's homework not done, whatever but being able to get PAST it now that's a different thing
And his niggle bar is set rather low so we're quite often in an eggshell-treading mode; I guess I just have to read and re-read to have the slightest chance of figuring how to deal!


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am personally NOT for "biting your tongue" totally-or all the time IF you are really upset over something, that YOU KNOW has the potential to bother you. Stuffing our feelings, hiding them, this will build over time, then you can say Hello to your new companion -Resentment.


I agree 100%. Be careful with biting your tongue. My wife asked for divorce after 18years because she had supposedly bitten her tongue for several years while resentment built over some things, so i can speak from experience. I don't think, on the other hand, one should make a mountain of a mole hill with everything, but i suppose one has to decide what they can handle.

If, for example, you are not a sports fan but your spouse is and likes to consume weekends with tv games, decide if you can handle it. If you can handle it for your spouse's sake, then great, if not, then talk about it; but don't suck it up for 10 years while you gradually build resentment and then throw it in their face about how unhappy you are with them watching sports as you pack your suitcase.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i am not a toungue biter, my wife is. she wont say anything about what is bothering her until its a full blown fight. i can see her doing what SOUTBOUND's wife did someday. its the whole mind reader thing, nobody can read someone elses mind. if you have issues its probably best to get em out.

this is happening to us right now, havent spoken in 3 days. i do enjoy the quiet though


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