# How to handle cheating.



## Feeling lost and lonely

Been about 10 months since my wife told me that she had cheated on me multiple times with two different guys during the last year and half or so. She said she felt lonely and not herself and that I didn't pay attention to her. 

One she never talk to now and the other guy she occasionally has to work with still also text here and there and he comments at times on her Facebook post usually on pictures of our kids. 

I agreed from the beginning because she asked me too with not completely cutting contact because of not knowing if he would tell anyone else about what they did and he is quite nuts at times. 
We are trying to move past this but she don't want to talk about it any more and I find that I need too more then I thought I would.
I feel like I should not feel like this anymore but it is almost always on my mind and now affect my day and it is worse days when his name comes up or seen on Facebook comments.
Not sure what to do.


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## GusPolinski

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> Been about 10 months since my wife told me that she had cheated on me multiple times with two different guys during the last year and half or so. She said she felt lonely and not herself and that I didn't pay attention to her.
> 
> One she never talk to now and *the other guy she occasionally has to work with still also text here and there and he comments at times on her Facebook post usually on pictures of our kids. *
> 
> *I agreed from the beginning because she asked me too with not completely cutting contact because of not knowing if he would tell anyone else about what they did and he is quite nuts at times. *
> We are trying to move past this but she don't want to talk about it any more and I find that I need too more then I thought I would.
> I feel like I should not feel like this anymore but it is almost always on my mind and now affect my day and it is worse days when his name comes up or seen on Facebook comments.
> Not sure what to do.


The very first thing that you need to realize is this -- 

For as long as she's still in contact w/ this guy, the affair is still on.


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## brooklynAnn

Get a copy of "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass.
Also, "His Needs /Her Needs" by Harley.

Your wife needs to go NO Contact with all the previous lovers. That means no Facebook, text or anything.

Then, work on you. Make sure you are involved in your marriage. Become the husband she needs. Let her know you need to talk abut the affairs and how they happened and what happened. You need to understand why she did what she did.

And more importantly, Marriage Counseling. Make an appointment. 
Sounds like your wife just want it behind her and not realizing how much damage she has done.

others will give you more feed back here on TAM. Find an MC today.


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## eric1

Part of the reconciliation process is COMPLETE NO CONTACT. That he is still commenting on her photos and comments is a CLEAR AS DAY sign that the affair is still going on.

It is not her choice that she can or can not be exposed. Being exposed is a consequence of having the affair.

1. She has to block this guy 100% on every form of social media known to man.

2. She will no longer occassionally work with him. NO CONTACT includes contact within the workplace. That one or both may lose the job as a consequence of the affair is just that - a consequence of her actions. She needs to do the heavy lifting here - SHE needs to be able to assure you 100% that she will never see him again in the context of her employment, up to and including resignation. *BECAUSE YOU DID NOT DO THIS TEN MONTHS AGO YOU HAVE ALLOWED THE AFFAIR, AND YOUR OPEN MARRIAGE, TO CONTINUE RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE. *

*3. YOU MUST EXPOSE THE AFFAIR TO HER BOYFRIEND'S SIGNIFICANT OTHER, IF THERE IS ONE.*

4. You need to do a full forensic recovery of her phone. She is still in the affair and the rule of thumb is that the truth is ALWAYS on the mobile device. There are plentiful resources here on how to do that, or a nice person (or me) can walk you through how to do this. She should have no qualms allowing you this access if she is telling you the truth.

5. You need to have her write a complete timeline of her affairs, including any and all contact over the past ten months.

THESE ARE ALL BASIC THINGS THAT M U S T BE DONE. You obviously feel that something is still doing on or you would not be here. Your choice right now, and it's your choice, is to NOT LIVE IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP FOR ONE GODDAMNED SECOND LONGER. 

Wherever you are right now, get all of her electronic passwords and start from there.


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## Lostinthought61

She is blame shifting this on you...dear god grow some balls and take command of the situation and if in the end it means divorce then so be it but please don't placate the the situation by letting her take control...its time you put dow the law and if she is lacking attention then by god you will give her all the attention she wants beginning with complete transparency and to tell everyone what she has done.

Find out who these guys are and if they are married rat them out completely regardless what you wife says, you tell her this is on her. she F'd up, time for you to wear your big boy pants


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## Ckone1800

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> Been about 10 months since my wife told me that she had cheated on me multiple times with two different guys during the last year and half or so. She said she felt lonely and not herself and that I didn't pay attention to her.
> 
> One she never talk to now and the other guy she occasionally has to work with still also text here and there and he comments at times on her Facebook post usually on pictures of our kids.
> 
> I agreed from the beginning because she asked me too with not completely cutting contact because of not knowing if he would tell anyone else about what they did and he is quite nuts at times.
> We are trying to move past this but she don't want to talk about it any more and I find that I need too more then I thought I would.
> I feel like I should not feel like this anymore but it is almost always on my mind and now affect my day and it is worse days when his name comes up or seen on Facebook comments.
> Not sure what to do.



First, I am not an expert, but I can share some great information that was provided to me at this stage in this betrayal. Hopefully it helps you.

I think the need to talk about her affair is absolutely normal. She is likely trying to just move on so that she doesn't have to feel the guilt or take your pain. 

It doesn't matter that you agreed to rugsweep the affair, as you didn't know the rules of this heinous game when you made your decision. Any decisions you have made while going through the emotional turmoil should be considered amendable at any time. 

I'm sorry you are going through this nightmare. Your lack of attention, even if true, does not cause her to seek a relationship while still married to you. She could have brought this to you so that you two could work on things. 

You will likely have a desire to talk about her affair until you feel like you know enough that you no longer feel responsible for it. Get it all out in the open and you will begin the healing process much faster. 

It shouldn't matter whether she wants exposure, it's on you to make that decision. After I exposed my WW I felt it was a weight lifted from my shoulders. Exposure helps to stop the affair. She may still be in full swing with one of these guys, and she doesn't want to be outed. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Devastated an lost

Feeling lost, 

Sorry you're here. I know how you feel. It's been over a year since I found out my H cheated on me & I still think about it all the time. I can tell you that holding it in will only build resentment. The more time that passes the harder it is to try to bring it up, because they think you should be over it by now, But in reality the longer you go without talking about your feelings the worse it will get. If she wants you to forgive her & work things out she needs to do the work & answer you're questions. It don't matter what you agreed to when you were in shock. I mean really didn't she agree to be faithful. You should sit down with her & tell her you need to talk about it before you can move on. You deserve that much.


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## badmemory

Friend,

You have allowed your wife to rug sweep her affairs. The effect of that will be her being more likely to cheat again and you winding up in a false R - which you are experiencing now.

The mistakes you made can be corrected; but you have to be willing to end your marriage if she doesn't accept the consequences of being a serial cheater.

Have a sit down conversation with her and tell her that you now realize you made mistakes in handling her cheating; and that going forward:

- She will end all contact with these OM's. If that means she has to quit her job, so be it. No contact means no contact.

- Expose her A to close friends, family and the OM's wives or SO's. Don't tell her you're going to do it. Just do it. When she finds out that you did; she better damn well accept it.

- She will be willing to discuss the A's with you any time you want and be truthful in the process - giving you as many details as you want.

- She will be completely transparent with her communication devices so that you can verify no contact and she will account for her time away from you.

- No GNO's. No opposite sex friends.

- And most importantly, she will demonstrate with every word and action that she is remorseful, will own what she did, and be willing to do the heavy lifting to save this marriage.

If she doesn't agree and accept "all" of these consequences; you implement the 180 and start the divorce process. If she doesn't turn around, you complete it and move on with your life.


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## convert

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> Been about 10 months since my wife told me that she had cheated on me multiple times with two different guys during the last year and half or so. She said she felt lonely and not herself and that I didn't pay attention to her.
> 
> One she never talk to now and the other guy she occasionally has to work with still also text here and there and he comments at times on her Facebook post usually on pictures of our kids.
> 
> I agreed from the beginning because she asked me too with not completely cutting contact because of not knowing if he would tell anyone else about what they did and he is quite nuts at times.
> We are trying to move past this but *she don't want to talk about it any more* and I find that I need too more then I thought I would.
> I feel like I should not feel like this anymore but it is almost always on my mind and now affect my day and it is worse days when his name comes up or seen on Facebook comments.
> Not sure what to do.


She wants to rug sweep, and that will not work.

Exposure is the best tool to use to help make sure the affair stays dead and there has to be absolutely no contact for R to work.


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## bryanp

If the roles were reversed would she be so accepting and forgiving as you have been? She has constantly put your health at risk for STD's behind your back. I do hope both of you have been checked for STD's.

You do realize that there had to be times that she was intimate with you after she had been intimate with one of her boyfriends. She has totally humiliated and disrespected you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

Finally apparently there has been no consequences to her actions which means she knows that she has a husband that is easy to sleep around on and if caught will accept it anyway so she has nothing to lose. You deserve better than this. It is sad that you clearly you do not think so.


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## kc2

I'm so sorry, Feeling Lost & Lonely. I know it's like a knife stabbing you again every time you see any mention of him/them.  And yes, you still feeling this way is NORMAL - especially since little has been "changed" on her end. 

Every FB like and comment he gives her is another "hit" of dopamine reminding her of their fake/ fantasy time together. Women are NOT men. We connect everything to everything. Her seeing him pay attention to her FB page is another opportunity for her to feel attention from him. (I'm not trying to upset you, but rather give the "why" behind it all.) 

She should've been willing to risk everything for you, and be above reproach in all of her actions. THAT's why everyone is trying to help you by giving you some strict guidelines/boundaries to follow.

It is important that she knows the boundaries to which you both decide. She should also implement her own based upon her past behaviors and YOUR feelings. (ie, She should offer to unfriend/block him on FB when she hears how you feel about it, then she should do it. Immediately, regardless of the consequences) Let's face it, she may be operating under not knowing that you are still struggling with this if she hasn't been told. 

What she does after you clearly spell this out to her will tell you a lot about her overall long-term intentions.

Again, I'm sorry you are here, but you will be getting very good advice from many. Up until this point, you may have just remained married to her.(?) The true hard work of reconciliation will be beginning after you start implementing some of the advice given. Healing needs to take place for you and her. It can happen, though.


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## Marc878

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> Been about 10 months since my wife told me that she had cheated on me multiple times with two different guys during the last year and half or so. She said she felt lonely and not herself and that I didn't pay attention to her.
> 
> One she never talk to now and the other guy she occasionally has to work with still also text here and there and he comments at times on her Facebook post usually on pictures of our kids.
> 
> I agreed from the beginning because she asked me too with not completely cutting contact because of not knowing if he would tell anyone else about what they did and he is quite nuts at times.
> We are trying to move past this but she don't want to talk about it any more and I find that I need too more then I thought I would.
> I feel like I should not feel like this anymore but it is almost always on my mind and now affect my day and it is worse days when his name comes up or seen on Facebook comments.
> Not sure what to do.


she cheated and you are now living by her rules? Must be nice for her.

How's it working for you? If you're going to stay and want to actually have a life do full exposure now and she goes no contact or file for divorce. You are living like her doormat. STOP!!! If you want any life at all.


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## Ol'Pal

Leave, You'll never trust her again, nor should you. You deserve better than to have that hanging over your head for the rest of your life. 

Grow a pair and send her packing....Easier said than done, I know.


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## Kobold

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> Been about 10 months since my wife told me that she had cheated on me multiple times with two different guys during the last year and half or so. She said she felt lonely and not herself and that I didn't pay attention to her.
> 
> *So your wife felt lonely.*
> 
> One she never talk to now and the other guy she occasionally has to work with still also text here and there and he comments at times on her Facebook post usually on pictures of our kids.
> 
> I agreed from the beginning because she asked me too with not completely cutting contact because of not knowing if he would tell anyone else about what they did and he is quite nuts at times.
> 
> *And her way of dealing with that was to invite a crazy person into her life and the lives of her family/children? She's aware that he's "quite nuts" and yet she'll commiserate with him on FB about pictures of her kids?
> *
> We are trying to move past this but she don't want to talk about it any more and I find that I need too more then I thought I would.
> I feel like I should not feel like this anymore but it is almost always on my mind and now affect my day and it is worse days when his name comes up or seen on Facebook comments.
> Not sure what to do.


Get your wife into massive amounts of therapy or get a divorce either way the problem is larger than her affairs, she's putting your kids into a potentially dangerous situation by remaining buddy buddy with this OM.


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## Lostme

I hate seeing another person has to go through being cheated on.

Are you wanting to stay in the marriage? If so your wife needs to realize you now make the rules and if you want to stay, she has to everything that you need to get past this, talking about it, quit blaming you, give the whole truth, stop all contact. 

Has she shown any remorse for her actions? if not then she is not ready to work on the marriage

.Some people can get past it and stay in the marriage, I'm not one of those people as I know I will never forget about it nor forgive.


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## MattMatt

So she doesn't want to help you and your children recover from her cheating on you all?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Feeling lost and lonely

I will reply to comments tomorrow, thank you for your help.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Yeswecan

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> Been about 10 months since my wife told me that she had cheated on me multiple times with two different guys during the last year and half or so. She said she felt lonely and not herself and that I didn't pay attention to her.
> 
> One she never talk to now and the other guy she occasionally has to work with still also text here and there and he comments at times on her Facebook post usually on pictures of our kids.
> 
> I agreed from the beginning because she asked me too with not completely cutting contact because of not knowing if he would tell anyone else about what they did and he is quite nuts at times.
> We are trying to move past this but she don't want to talk about it any more and I find that I need too more then I thought I would.
> I feel like I should not feel like this anymore but it is almost always on my mind and now affect my day and it is worse days when his name comes up or seen on Facebook comments.
> Not sure what to do.


You have rug swept this. Bad idea. Second, the OM is still in the picture AND posting about your kids on FB. WTH? Your W needs to quit her job, you need to expose the affair and the douche bag needs to get off your W FB page.

I think it is time you get backbone and squash the utter bull crap going on in your life.


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## Thound

Sounds like she is a master rug sweeper and a cheater. Dump her now, and work on yourself, then go find a real woman.


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## LosingHim

People like your wife kill me. I'd give my LIFE for my husband to give me a second chance and what I did lasted 60 ****ing seconds. 

*I* stopped contact with my OM without my husband asking. I deleted my Fb without him asking and when I reavtivated it, I deleted a TON of people, including OM, including men who had said inappropriate things to me and including people who had never done wrong to me in ANY way. I stopped texting 90% of my friends, wrote off pretty much every guy I know, started dressing more conservatively, changed the way I interact with strangers, I don't even ****ing SMILE at people any more. I gave him 100% access to all of my social media, my phone, etc. and I've completely changed my boundaries. And I don't get **** for a second chance.

YOUR wife wants a lobster dinner every night, a man to be option B, has to take zero responsibility for her actions. Your wife can have her cake and eat it too. And your cake. And her OMs cake.

She's walking the **** all over you! I'm doing all of the things that I possibly can for a man that I have zero chance of reconciliation with. Your wife has the chance of a life time and can't begin to see it.

Life is pretty ****ed up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

The reason you're having trouble still is that you knew you gave up your self respect just to keep her. 

You can change that. You can tell her you've tried and now realize you cannot stay with her UNLESS she agrees to No Contact (even if that means she has to get a new job) and hands over her electronics for you to prove to yourself she is in No Contact.

That's it. Do that. See what happens.


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## Be smart

Sorry you are here my friend.

You know staying in this marriage is going to slowly kill you. Your wife cheated on you and your kids with two different guys and stayed in contact with one of them (probarly both of them). She is still working with this OM,texting him and she gets angry when you want to talk about her Affairs. She dont care about your pain,humiliation and tears. She cares only about herself.

She is blaming you for her Affairs.

One more thing and please think about this one. OM got huge balls-texting your wife and commenting about YOUR KIDS - he is basically laughing at you with your wife and right there in front of your eyes. What she says about that ? It is not talk about job and you are smart enough to read it ?

You made a big mistake my friend from the begining. You should divorce your wife but it is never to late.

Here is some things that you should have done :

1.expose her affair to family,friends,job,church...
2.NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT. Dont care if she got fired from job. Her family should come in first place
3.talk with OMs wives and expose them just like you did to your own W
4.she tells you all about her Affairs,places she went,things she did and talks they made. They are laughing at you I can bet my life
5.you should talk with your lawyer and see your options about custody,money,house

Dont cry,beg and be nice to her. You used to be like that and look where are you now. Think only about yourself and your kids. Let her see that you can be alright without her. 

I have to ask this question. Did she ever apologize to you and your kids ?

Stay strong my friend.


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## TDSC60

I don't do Facebook myself, but I hear there is a little button labeled "Unfriend" or "Delete from Friends list".

Use it.

If she balks or questions or tries to rationalize keeping him as a friend - the affair is still on and she is still choosing him over you, your children and the marriage.


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## MattMatt

TDSC60 said:


> I don't do Facebook myself, but I hear there is a little button labeled "Unfriend" or "Delete from Friends list".
> 
> Use it.
> 
> If she balks or questions or tries to rationalize keeping him as a friend - the affair is still on and she is still choosing him over you, your children and the marriage.


:iagree:


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## jsmart

She was banging 2 men for over a year and continue to work with and text one of them? Your weakness is so repulsive to your wife that she can scarcely tolerate your presence. She'll only have you if you rug sweep and STFU. Don't be surprised if she still hooks up with her co-worker. 

You are way to accepting of this BS. I'd bet that your wife badmouths you to him which is why he is dissing you like that. For that fvcker to have the audacity to comment on FB post with your kids is beyond anything you should be tolerating. 

Personally I would just file. She has no remorse for what she has done. A woman that would hook up with a POS that is "quite crazy" doesn't think about her kids stability. She is not the wife that you think she is. 

To be defiled countless times by 2 POS is too much to come back from. Read the threads on TAM. WWs get REAL freaky for their POS. It's ALL enthusiastically on the menu.


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## TRy

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> One she never talk to now and the other guy she occasionally has to work with still also text here and there and he comments at times on her Facebook post usually on pictures of our kids.
> 
> I agreed from the beginning because she asked me too with not completely cutting contact because of not knowing if he would tell anyone else about what they did and he is quite nuts at times.


 If her affair partner (AP) still talks to her and "comments at times on her Facebook" posts, then she never communicated to him that their relationship is completely over now that you found out about the affair; thus they are still in a relationship. If she is afraid of "completely cutting contact" with her AP for whatever reason, then she is maintaining a relationship with him under the guise that there is hope that they can resume the affair later when things cool down. By you allowing her to maintain a relationship with her AP, you are tell her and her AP that you are too weak to demand that you be respected. Each post on her Facebook page by her AP is a direct act of showing you and her who the Alpha is, as he knows that it will bug you to know that the man that banged your wife is still allowed to be openly in her life. 

BTW, cheaters almost always try to maintain contact with their affair partners after they are caught. What is unusual here is that their spouses usually force them to take it underground.


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## workindad

OP- sorry for the spot you are in.

Rug sweeping will not fix this disaster. It will only haunt you.

I do not see how you can successfully reconcile with your wife. She has continued contact-AFFAIR- with one of the two POSOMs that you know of, by continuing to text him F-book him and work with him. Does that sound like an affair that stopped?

Your wife has zero respect for you, your family or your marriage. 

Sorry, I do not see a way forward other than swallowing the sh!t sandwich she stuffing down your throat.

Or doing a hard 180 for yourself
See a doctor and get tested tested for STDs
See a lawyer and get this mistake in your past. 


It may be hard to see now, but life really can be better than the misery she's throwing your way.


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## Hardtohandle

OP, here is the problem...

YOU made HER PROBLEMS, YOURS

You made her fear of this man telling others your fear and your issue..

YOU need to realize it isn't your issue.. 

YOU WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW... Or let me ask the following question.

Why doesn't she want people to know ? Because she is embarrassed about what others will think about her as a married woman ? That people will realize what a fvcking wh0re and piece of sh!t she is as a human being.. 

That this guy will tell everyone how she fvcked and sucked him ?

GOOD.. 

Because YOU should NOT BE the only one SUFFERING here..

Why the fvck do YOU need to keep her dirty secrets..

The first time my Ex wife cheated.. I BLEW HER RIGHT UP.... I TOLD EVERYONE... Mind you she never met this man.. But I called up everyone where he worked.. I told ALL OUR FRIENDS.. ALL HER FAMILY and RELATIVES..

She had no fvcking place to hide my ex wife.. Her own mother couldn't look at her and deal with her without giving her a tongue lashing..

The last time I kept my mouth shut for bit and she walked all over me... ONLY when I blew her up again did things change.. Then she couldn't call mom and ask her how she was doing, because mom was asking her WTF was going on and why she was doing this again..

But by that time it was too late.. Which is okay honestly.. But only then could I get any self worth back.. 

I have to tell you, only when she felt like sh!t did I feel better.. NOW SHE UNDERSTOOD.... NOW She realized what a looser she was.. 

Try to think of it this way.. 

As a man I am pretty heterosexual.. I might kid around by swinging to the other side and my big line goofing around is *"Only another man knows, what another man likes" *

The reason I say that is to see other guys squirm.. Makes me laugh to see guys uncomfortable with their sexuality.. 

But that being said.. 

If I had a gay moment in my life 20 years ago.. Maybe gave oral to a guy let's say... 

If only me and this guy only know about it and this guy is a practical stranger to me never to be seen again.. I can go on with my life and just say I am a straight up macho guy.. 

But if this guy outs me and has some evidence of this moment.. I can no longer claim to be this straight macho man.. Get what I'm saying..

So as long as this is a secret she can do whatever the fvck she wants and act how she wants..

BUT once she is OUTTED.. She can't say sh!t.. She can't say BOO to NO ONE, that includes you..

She can NEVER EVER condemn someone for cheating publicly.. She can never ever give relationship advice to someone else.. 

She has to STFU because she doesn't know better.. 

Only then will you feel some power about this.. Only when she has to hide her face in shame will she understand the pain..

YOU.... YOU.... YOU... Tell this guy no longer to contact her. .YOU tell this guys wife or G.F. you don't want him contacting your wife and why.. 

IF he doesn't have either.. It's okay... You tell him regardless.. You make sure your wife is there and hears you tell him.. 

YOU.. Get on her facebook unfriend him and block him.. 

Why are you doing this ? 
Because you can't take it anymore.. 
Your tired of keeping her secrets.. 

Look what you did.. He told everyone in the job what I did with him and how I did it.. 

Good.. You should have thought about that before you cheated.. 

Don't you realize she still doesn't give a sh!t about you ?

Don't you realize she only wants to protect her image here ?

A real person who loves you would do ANYTHING to fix this with you.. ANYTHING... Their embarrassment holds no bounds compared to their love for you.. 

Honestly I would have done anything for my ex wife.. There was no shame I would have not endured and I didn't cheat... EVER...

Your wife needs to show some compassion and concern for you... 
She is not.. 

You need therapy.. She needs therapy.. 

Trust me this is not how this sh!t is suppose to work.. 
Start cracking that whip and start busting some heads figuratively speaking..

BUT you better be ready to let her go.. You better have the pair of balls you were born with to let this woman go if you want this fixed and fixed right.. Otherwise you are doomed.. TRUST ME on this.. 
I KNOW FIRST HAND...

I know it is a lot to take in and do.. But at this point you really do not have any more directions or choices to make.. It is either you FORCE HER TO FIX THIS or you STFU and prepare yourself for future affairs..

But forcing her means pushing your relationship to the very brink of destruction.. 

Sadly the simple reality is if it falls apart it just means that she was more important to her than you were.. It was more important that she looks good in the end then saving this marriage. 

Some people don't want to face that truth.. Again Trust me I know first hand..

I had some issues even dating the G.F. I have now.. Only when I was honestly ready to let her go and be alone did it fix itself.. Only when she seen the look in my eyes and hear it in my voice that she knew we were done did she buckle and work to fix it with me.. 

But there was a time I wasn't ready to be alone and it was hard. Then I was and I could act and handle stuff differently.. Which allowed me to fix my relationship with my G.F. for the better..


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## TRy

Hardtohandle said:


> Why doesn't she want people to know ? Because she is embarrassed about what others will think about her as a married woman ?


 Actually she does not want people to know about the affair, because then other people would take notice (and perhaps tell her spouse) every time that she saw her affair partner (AP), thus making it more difficult to resume the affair. No one taking notice of them still seeing each other, coupled with continued contact, just makes it too easy for for the wife to resume banging the AP if she has not already. If your are the betrayed spouse, exposure is your friend.


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## LosingHim

Listen. This ***** doesn't have a ****ing clue.

You know why I can say that? Because before I came here, I didn't have a ****ing clue.

Let me spell this out for you. I sucked my husbands best friends **** on a drunken escapade one night 3 years ago because I don't know how to say no to people and I was too god damn dumb to walk my ass home after he demanded that I do it.

You know what I did then? When the idiot text me the next day about it and my husband saw it, I lied and said I just kissed him. 

You know what I did then? I lied about it for three years. I let my OM and my husband become friends again. I even let my husband be a groomsmen in my OMs wedding this past summer. I let my husband invite my OM over to sit around the fire and drink beer more times than I can count. I let my husband golf with him, I let our kids play! 

I successfully swept all the bull**** under the rug for 3 years! I remained Fb friends with my OM, hell, we even text each other sometimes about stupid ****! I even had an inkling that my OM told our male friends about what we did and I allowed them to hide it from my husband too since I surely didn't have the balls to tell him either.

You know what opened my damn eyes? Him asking for a separation. THATS when I came clean. That's when I told him I got on my knees and blew his friend like a *****. 

And only then did the lightbulb switch on to what a horrible thing I'd done. Do you know how many times I rationalized in my head that it was just a 60 second Bj (because I did stop) so it really wasn't "that bad". How many times I thought to myself, "well were all friends again so he must be cool with it". 

You know what else I thought? That I've NEVER admitted here? I GOT AWAY WITH IT. I wasn't PROUD that I got away with it. I didn't think I was a great person because I got away with it. I was delusional enough in thinking that I saved my marriage because I got away without telling the truth! Seriously, how ****ed up am I??? 

I was a delusional c*nt until I was faced with losing the man I love. I don't deserve him to love me and I know it. I don't deserve a second chance, but yet I'm still doing everything in my power to prove to him that I want to be better than who I was.

And I HATE that old version of me. Hell, I still hate parts of the current me. 

You need to put the smack down on this woman. Let her know this **** is not acceptable. Tell her you want a separation or divorce. If she doesn't throw herself at you begging to follow all of your rules, to a tee, no ifs ands or butts about it.....

Well I'm sorry, but she's just a delusional c*nt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vulcan2013

Look at River Rat's thread, "successful rugsweep" to see how this will play out if you stay the course. Really healing from infidelity is hard work. His wife got him to just be quiet, and his love for her drained away until there was nothing left.


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## Feeling lost and lonely

Thank you everyone for your support and help. 
I had hoped to write more then this today but my wife ended up being home from work sick. 
Luckily our kids are to young to understand what happened. Both kids have some mental disabilities but with help are getting a lot better making it easier to either work on this or leave.
I have had some counseling for myself. 
I know I can afford (did the budget for it) and being able to live alone with the kids other then the difficult part of child care when working.
I know how to take care of a house and with this and us drifting apart I really feel like I don't need her other then childcare. We have lacked in real Intimacy for so long that I sadly really don't care about that anymore. 
Both of them got cheated on in previous serious relationships why do this when they know what it's like? 
One positive thing is that I found out tonight that OM most likely won't be working with her anymore (he got the boss very mad at him, her boss told me) and is off the list to be called in for work.
Thank you all again.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## GusPolinski

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> Thank you everyone for your support and help.
> I had hoped to write more then this today but my wife ended up being home from work sick.
> Luckily our kids are to young to understand what happened. Both kids have some mental disabilities but with help are getting a lot better making it easier to either work on this or leave.
> I have had some counseling for myself.
> I know I can afford (did the budget for it) and being able to live alone with the kids other then the difficult part of child care when working.
> I know how to take care of a house and with this and us drifting apart I really feel like I don't need her other then childcare. We have lacked in real Intimacy for so long that I sadly really don't care about that anymore.
> Both of them got cheated on in previous serious relationships why do this when they know what it's like?
> One positive thing is that I found out tonight that OM most likely won't be working with her anymore (he got the boss very mad at him, her boss told me) and is off the list to be called in for work.
> Thank you all again.
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


:slap:

You'd be a fool to believe her.

And besides, he's not your problem. Not really. If it weren't him, it would've been another guy. And Hell... there WAS another guy!!!

If you want to reconcile that's fine, but it'd be both naive and stupid to think that you'd be doing anything other than rugsweeping everything for as long as she refuses to cut contact w/ this guy, along w/ getting a new job.

Honestly, though? She's a serial cheat. Based on that alone, I really don't see the point in even attempting reconciliation.


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## the guy

#1 stop sharing your wife.
#2 set your boundaries and the consequences for when those boundaries are crossed.
#3 chicks like confident guys....so always stick with #1 and #2


Sometimes "they" think we aren't going any were no matter how they treat us.....you have to change that....even if it risks loosing the women you think you love!

Having been there, you can not afford to nice your way out of this. Your old lady will phuck you every chance she gets if she believe you will tolerate her bull shyt!

Just like anything in life ....people will get away what they can as long as you tolerate their shyt.

This advise may not save your marriage but it will save your self respect!


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## the guy

Until you can get the wayward spouse to think twice in what they are about to loose and second guess their choices the betrayed spouse doesn't have a chance.


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## BobSimmons

One positive thing is that I found out tonight that OM most likely won't be working with her anymore...

OM is not the problem, your wife banged two dudes.

Lots of men out there

The choice is endless

Little devices called phones, laptops, tablets computers make it easy to do stuff like talk, chat, plan to meet at hotels or homes

More pertinently another man you know has banged your wife is still communicating with her. He knows you know.

Goddamn that's alpha


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## Forest

She's door-matting you, and rugsweeping the whole thing. She has no concept that anyone's feelings matter other than her's.

She's a selfish and shallow woman that will trample everyone else for some cheap compliments and attention. If you are sure you want to salvage the marriage, you're going to have to burn her world down, and open her eyes to what a lousy person she has become. Until she realizes that, and honestly changes, she's not fit to be married to. 

The biggest problem is that she doesn't sound like she is capable of facing those facts at present. Until your anger and rage phase hits, she'll continue to walk all over you, and not give a darn.


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## Feeling lost and lonely

After our twins were born she had postpartum depression and recived some help for that and also have had a lot of other health issues after but she really need a lot more counseling maybe even before we can try to make things better.
Sometime she say that she feels like her health problems are a punishment for what she did but how to know if she really is remorseful and truly regret what she done.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Tron

Serial cheater with mental problems who hasn't been intimate with you in a long time...just file for D already.

If she gets her act together after the D, you can date, but once single, I am sure you will find out there are much better women out there than her.


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## tom67

As a banned member Machievelli would say the fact you are putting up with this she has lost all respect for you.
She can't fook someone she doesn't respect.

Look up women and the limbic brain.


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## TRy

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> Both of them got cheated on in previous serious relationships why do this when they know what it's like?


 You ask "why do this when they know what it's like" to be cheated on? The answer is simple. After being cheated on they both felt that the cheater got the better end of the deal, and that the cheater made them into losers. They decided that is better for them to be the cheater than the cheated on. This point of view requires that they be heartless and selfish, but they got burned being loving and selfless. As weird as it sounds, they also feel that they are somehow owed this to balance things out against them having been cheated on.


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## TRy

Tron said:


> If she gets her act together after the D


 As strange as this sounds, the OP will probably get far more sex and intimacy dating her than being married to her. Strange but true.


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## Feeling lost and lonely

She once asked if it would feel better if I did the same and I said that's not what I want.
I guess that makes more sense now about thinking it would balance out. 

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt

TRy said:


> You ask "why do this when they know what it's like" to be cheated on? The answer is simple. After being cheated on they both felt that the cheater got the better end of the deal, and that the cheater made them into losers. They decided that is better for them to be the cheater than the cheated on. This point of view requires that they be heartless and selfish, but they got burned being loving and selfless. As weird as it sounds, they also feel that they are somehow owed this to balance things out against them having been cheated on.


And you know they were cheated on before how, exactly?

Besides which bad things can happen to bad people, too.

Just because a burglar burgles people's homes doesn't mean another burglar isn't going to burgle their home, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Feeling lost and lonely

I was at least told that his ex wife cheated on him and I know my wife's ex fiancé cheated on her and she moved out in the middle of the night.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## ThePheonix

TRy said:


> You ask "why do this when they know what it's like" to be cheated on? The answer is simple. After being cheated on they both felt that the cheater got the better end of the deal, and that the cheater made them into losers.


Besides that if anybody believes most guys with a willing woman before them are going to give a rats azz about how the husband would feel is fooling themselves.


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## BetrayedDad

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> Been about 10 months since my wife told me that she had cheated on me multiple times with two different guys during the last year and half or so.


Serial cheat?

Divorce her immediately.


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## SasZ79

He will not Divorce her not now maybe in six month when he finds out that she screwed another couple of dudes.


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## bandit.45

She will set you up for another azz kicking down the road if you stay with her. She is broken dude. Broken. Time to nix this farce of a marriage and find a woman who respects you. The Courts will make sure you get to see your kids.


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## Steve1000

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> but how to know if she really is remorseful and truly regret what she done.


By her actions.... In my opinion, the only way she might possibly have remorse and regret is if you become a much stronger person and stop tolerating her behavior.


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## Feeling lost and lonely

How to know if someone is truly remorseful and really regret what they did?

I would try to get the kids.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Feeling lost and lonely

What actions really show remorse?

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## GusPolinski

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> What actions really show remorse?


Right off the top of my head?

IMMEDIATELY cutting ANY AND ALL contact w/ her affair partners.

And she refused to do that, right?


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## workindad

GusPolinski said:


> Right off the top of my head?
> 
> IMMEDIATELY cutting ANY AND ALL contact w/ her affair partners.
> 
> And she refused to do that, right?


In your specific case. The above cannot be emphasized enough.

Along with an unyielding commitment to do whatever it takes, and she certainly doesn't seem agreeable to that.


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## jsmart

A woman that gives herself multiple times to more than one man is not capable of being a remorseful woman. One drunken night with a tearful confession within days of the event, I could understand and possibly believe. Repeatedly having her uterus, tonsils, and probably more, bathed by sperm from at least 2 men for over a year? Not so much.

There are many good women out there. She's not one of them. I know it's scary to start over but the longer you drag this out, the longer it'll take for you to meet that special woman. A woman that would never dream of betraying you in such a manner. 

There a many stories of men who were fearful of starting over but ended up meeting wonderful women many times hotter than the wife they had. But it's not only about getting a "hot" or younger wife, it's about meeting a woman that will love and respect you.


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## Kobold

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> What actions really show remorse?


*Lets go through this line by line of what you've given us so far and you'll get an idea of what she should be doing since that would be the exact opposite of what she is in fact doing. 

My responses in bold.

*


Feeling lost and lonely said:


> She said she felt lonely and not herself and that I didn't pay attention to her.
> 
> *Making excuses and shifting the blame on you.*
> 
> One she never talk to now and the other guy she occasionally has to work with still also text here and there and he comments at times on her Facebook post usually on pictures of our kids.
> 
> *Not keeping NC with one of her AP's. Even going so far as to discuss her kids with said AP who she claims is "nuts".*
> 
> I agreed from the beginning because she asked me too with not completely cutting contact because of not knowing if he would tell anyone else about what they did and he is quite nuts at times.
> 
> *Her excuse for keeping in contact with said "nutty" AP is that other people might find out what she's done, ergo she's more concerned about her own image than she is about saving her marriage and family.*
> 
> We are trying to move past this but she don't want to talk about it any more and I find that I need too more then I thought I would.
> 
> *She refuses to talk about the damage she has caused you with her own selfish actions. She wants you to sweep it under the rug and is content with leaving you bleeding out on the floor while she goes back to business as usual.
> *





Feeling lost and lonely said:


> Sometime she say that she feels like her health problems are a punishment for what she did but how to know if she really is remorseful and truly regret what she done.


*
This is just some "woe is me" talk from her about how she's really the victim. She's being punished? You're the one that's dealing with the fallout of her affair. From what you've said so far, it sounds like her only "punishment" is having to occasionally throw you a bone once in a while and act like this is really hard for her too. Other than that it sounds like she's done a pretty good job of moving on with her life, almost like her affair never even happened. *




Feeling lost and lonely said:


> She once asked if it would feel better if I did the same and I said that's not what I want.
> I guess that makes more sense now about thinking it would balance out.


*I think this is the real crux of the matter. She wants you to hush up about the affair and go back to the way things were, so much so that she'd be willing to give you a "hall pass" and let you have an affair of your own just cause she believes that this would finally put you on even footing with her. 

She wants to be able to have something as devastating as an "affair card" to throw in your face and silence your perfectly reasonable requests about her post affair behavior. Don't fall for it.*


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## jsmart

A hall pass can only be given by one that does not love the other. OP having sex with someone else would not phase his WW one bit. Why? Because she doesn't love and respect him. If she did, the thought of him with another woman would tear her apart. 

But think about it. Would OP having sex with a woman once or twice do anything to even things? No. She has been enthusiastically giving herself to 2 men for over a year. Think about that. 2 horny men treated the mother of his kids like a cvm bucket. There is nothing he could do with another woman to heal the marriage. The lips that kissed their kids goodnight where wrapped around... The breast that at one time lovingly provided nourishment to their kids were squirted, the vagina that their kids came through was sullied untold times. 

Besides a woman that OP would want to have sex with has to be won over. I'm sure the OP is not some Casanova that can get a woman to have sex with at the drop of a hat. So is he supposed to have sex with an escort? So it's a meaningless pass. Its only purpose is as a weapon to bash OP over the head to shut him up.


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## Feeling lost and lonely

Jsmart you are very right about me not being a Casanova so I guess it is a good thing I have given up on having a true romantic relationship with my wife or any other woman after her if I leave.
That don't bother me as much anymore as it used too I know now that I can live on my own or with our kids and not sure if I can let anyone that close to me anymore
Would be an easy decision if it wasn't for the kids.

I for some reason that I don't understand want to try to improve our relationship but not sure if I have enough care left for it. Just feel empty these days.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Feeling lost and lonely

I for sure have no interest in her hall pass offer because I would leave before I would be with anyone else if I had that interest. 

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Satya

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> What actions really show remorse?
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


Well, actions that show she PUTS YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS FIRST, would be a start.


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## jsmart

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> Jsmart you are very *right about me not being a Casanova so I guess it is a good thing I have given up on having a true romantic relationship with my wife or any other woman after her if I leave.*
> That don't bother me as much anymore as it used too I know now that I can live on my own or with our kids and not sure if I can let anyone that close to me anymore
> Would be an easy decision if it wasn't for the kids.
> 
> I for some reason that I don't understand want to try to improve our relationship but not sure if I have enough care left for it. Just feel empty these days.
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


Dude, I know you're hurting but there is life after her. Right now you don't see it because you've been with her for so long and she has shaken your confidence to the core. That's normal. Your situation is more extreme than others but MANY on this forum have been in your shoes and felt the heartache you feel. 

It doesn't seem possible to you now but there is a woman out there that is dying to be loved by a loyal, loving, and hard working man. That woman is not looking for a Casanova or player. She wants a MAN. But you'll never find her as long as your in this abusive marriage that destroying who you are on the inside.

File D, implement the 180 to detach, and do everything to become a better man. You can co-parent. Let your kids see that at least 1 parent is strong and has character.


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## Feeling lost and lonely

I have started some preparations for being able to leave that will hopefully come together good and will check with the employee assistance program that my employer use about help with a lawyer and counseling and see how that goes.
Hopefully someday I will feel both needed and wanted in a relationship compared to now just needed.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## bandit.45

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> I have started some preparations for being able to leave that will hopefully come together good and will check with the employee assistance program that my employer use about help with a lawyer and counseling and see how that goes.
> Hopefully someday I will feel both needed and wanted in a relationship compared to now just needed.
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


Feels good to take your life in your own hands and start moving forward doesn't it? 

Now keep the momentum going. 

180, 180, 180.


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## TDSC60

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> I was at least told that his ex wife cheated on him and I know my wife's ex fiancé cheated on her and she moved out in the middle of the night.
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


So her Ex cheated on her and she dumped him immediately?

Sounds like she was in her right mind at least then, which makes it more of a betrayal for her choice to have affairs. She knew what this would do to you and just did not care enough not to f*ck other men.

Dump her. It is what she wants and what you need.


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## Be smart

My friend put your mind on yourself and your children.

OM is not your problem. Dont let anyone to hurt you even more. 

What you need to do is to expose her Affairs. Belive me your wife can easly turn to another side and start talking bad things about you to your family and friends. You dont want to be a bad guy in their eyes.

This is important-stop thinking so low about yourself. Find your confidence and move on.
There is a lot of women there who will respect you and love you but first you need to respect yoursefl. If you dont do that then who is going to respect you ?

Your wife even offered you to sleep with other women--that tells me she does not love you.

She only "loves" you because you are there to help her with children while she finds some other things with other guys. 

I will repeat this,respect yourself my friend and go talk with your lawyer.

Stay strong.


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## Feeling lost and lonely

Thanks for the warning about her talking bad about me. My family is far away and she never really talk to them and i only really have one friend she could take to and he is one of few that know what she did but. Her family have been great to me that would really be bad if she talked bad to them. Will take that into consideration.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## TDSC60

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> Thanks for the warning about her talking bad about me. My family is far away and she never really talk to them and i only really have one friend she could take to and he is one of few that know what she did but. Her family have been great to me that would really be bad if she talked bad to them. Will take that into consideration.
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


Be prepared for this as she is already blaming you for the affair claiming that you caused her to have affairs because you did not "pay her enough attention".

But she never talked to you about being lonely or not getting enough attention before she decided to seek sex outside of the marriage, did she?

Classic cheater script. It is always the fault of the husband.

This is one of the reasons that a truly remorseful wife would agree to admit the affair to everyone. So no one would try to blame the innocent betrayed spouse.

She is not remorseful and you will be blamed. Expect it.


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## Feeling lost and lonely

No she never talked to me about it not even when talking about our lack of intimacy it was always being tired, sick or sore from work she has a physically demanding job but as I know now not the complete reason.
During the time period this went on she admitted 3 times with one and don't know how many with the other guy she say she don't remember but 3 times were as many times as we did. 

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## Marc878

So she's too tired for you but has plenty left for others.

You need to WAKE UP!!!!

Can you not see your situation?


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## Feeling lost and lonely

I think that I am slowly wakeing up and this thread has helped a lot.


Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Be smart

Just go back and read posts from other members. All of them told you basically the same thing.

Now it is up to my friend. Your life and your decision. 

You dont have to do anything tonight. Use some time off work and think about what you want from your life. Think about your future. 

I told you once-Divorce her and be happy. You deserve better I belive.


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## OldWolf57

Feeling, you keep thinking a man is a man ONLY if someone vouch for him.

WRONG !! I am a man.
Yes I have a wife.
BUT, if she was to walk tomorrow,, I will still be a MAN, with my VERY own wants and desires.

Brother, the very thing she fell for, you gave up!!
BEING YOU !!

Sure you make compromise, that's life.
But as many hubbies before you have learned,, you grow while still being you.

I really can't say about your situ, except,, "cheaters will be cheaters".


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## jsmart

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> No she never talked to me about it not even when *talking about our lack of intimacy it was always being tired, sick or sore from work* she has a physically demanding job but as I know now not the complete reason.
> During the time period this went on *she admitted 3 times with one and don't know how many with the other guy *she say she don't remember but 3 times were as many times as we did.
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


The lack of intimacy is par for the course. Cut off hubby to stay true to her top man. WWs can be quite vile. No energy or effort for the husband but will meet up quickly to service their POS after having had turned husband down an hour earlier. 

Maybe it was only 3 times with POS #2. Most women are not emotionally able to give themselves to more than one man for long. Sounds like the "quite crazy" POS was her "man." If they're working together, still openly in contact, he's probably still hitting it. They may have scaled back and he's working to get her back fully on board.

If you want a view into your wife's mind, read some threads on Loveshacks OW section. You'll see how these woman keep going back to their POS. restarting their affairs after D days. Even after seeing the damage it did to their BHs but they go back. Or they pine away for YEARS for some douche that treated them like a free prostitute. The worse offenders are the women with special needs kids. Over and over these woman throw their very vulnerable kids stability away to be some "doms" submissive or other really sick stuff.


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## Augusto

Phuck this!!!!!! Tell her you will delay the talk about part for when you are in divorce court.


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## HobbesTheTiger

Hi. I'm sorry you're faced with this, but it's great you found this site. You'll get lots of advice here, mostly good, take what you want and ignore the rest. The advice you've received thus far is very good.

Having said that, here's some of my advice&questions (some have already been posted by others): 
1. It's great that you're working on seeing a lawyer. Don't feel the need to let her know you've been to see one before securing your legal position.

2. Go buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) or a GoPro thingy immediately and use it to record all your interactions with her. She might try to falsely accuse you of domestic violence to the police. Better safe than sorry, and there have been betrayed husbands here who were hit with false DV charges.

3. Start documenting your and her care for the kids immediately. I recommend you be as detailed as possible, and I recommend you send the details of the day every day to a good friend of yours or to an alternate e-mail account so you will have time-stamped proof in case of a custody battle.

4. Set up individual counselling for yourself ASAP! You need professional help in dealing with this level of betrayal&shock. Find someone with experience in infidelity and/or PTSD. That was paramount in bearing the pain and healing myself.

5. Go see your doctor about STD testing. Be aware that if you have sex with her, you risk getting an STD and/or getting her pregnant.

6. Continue to confide in your friends&family about this. You need and deserve their support. 

7. Have you told the guys' wives/gfs about their cheating? They deserve to know, just as you deserved to know. 

8. Make sure you eat, sleep and exercise as much as possible. If you're having trouble, talk to your doctor or a pharmacist. DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL. It's way too easy to spiral out of control. I stopped myself quite close to becoming an alcoholic in the aftermath of it all.

9. Google "No more mr. nice guy pdf", it's a great book available online for free that might be a source of great strength and self-esteem for you, as it was for me. Also, google "Codependent no more pdf", also available online for free. Another great book to read on this topic is "Married man sex life primer", I'd recommend you go to the library and get a copy of it.

10. If you'll ever give her one last chance, she needs to go to IC at least for a month before you two even consider MC together. I recommend YOU find a good IC for HER, one that you will know has a no-nonsense approach to infidelity (knows that cheating is 100% cheater's fault,...) and go to her first session with her to make sure the counsellor knows all about the cheating. Only after that should you try MC with her. Also, google "How to help your spouse heal linda macdonald pdf", it's a great book available online for free that might help you two tremendously. Read it on your own at first. I think it's important that you tell her that as a condition for you to attempt to reconcile with her is for her to write you a detailed timeline of the affair(s). Upon telling her, notify her you'll want her to undertake a polygraph test afterwards to ascertain you have the full truth

11. What was your childhood/youth like? Please, google "Toxic parents pdf", it's a great book available online for free. Also, check out "Families and how to survive them", it opened my eyes on the topic of childhood issues and how they connect to adult relationships.

12. A phrase that I've heard a lot here and with which I agree is that you must be willing to lose the marriage(relationship) to save it. You mustn't think of her as the prize and you mustn't approach this from a position of weakness, of you trying to win her back by being nice etc. You must get therapy, you must get into the mindset that you will be ok even if you divorce and that you will not settle for rugsweeping or anything less than her being fully remorseful and committed to redeeming herself and helping you heal.

13. It will be hard to not see the kids every day. However, it is much better for the kids to not see you everyday if that means that they won't grow up in a toxic household due to their mom's cheating, disrespect,..., where their dad is being destroyed emotionally due to their mom's actions. What the kids need to grow up emotionally happy, mature and strong young adults is to have at least a part of their lives emotionally healthy and safe (i.e. the days they will spend with you), to have at least one parent (i.e. you) emotionally stable and healthy (and you can't be that if you remain with a cheating, unremorseful spouse) and to have access to a good children's therapist (it's up to you to get them to see a good therapist). Please, consult a good therapist for kids to hear his/her opinion before you decide to stay married to her because of the kids.

14. Most of all, keep talking to us, the more you talk to us, the more we can help you and support you!

Best wishes


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## Evinrude58

The more energy you out into building a new life without a person who screws with your deepest emotions and keeps you totally unhappy, the more quickly your mind will heal. There is ZERO doubt from anyone who has read your story that you should divorce and take time to heal. Yes, find a good lawyer. Yes, break all contact with her. Every time you get the urge to talk to her, remember how you felt the lady time you did for a few days after. Awful, right?  Then why keep doing that crap? Stop it. Devote all your energy to building a life for YOU that makes you happy. If you're not happy, you can't do your best at work. If work not smooth, you can't support yourself and kids and you still are screwed.

Leave this "woman". You'll thank yourself for it down the road.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart

It appears that your coming to the realization that this is not salvageable. First step is talk to a lawyer and find out your rights. She's going to be coached by many to go hard at you. The best way they do that is to accuse you of being abusive. It will be a build up. Starting with being neglectful, move on to controlling, and finally how she's afraid you're going to hurt her or the kids. 

So you should follow the advise that @HobbesTheTiger gave on post #75 of your thread. I know it's hard to imagine she would go that far but it is so freaking common. Carry a VAR for evidence of no abuse, document the childcare to show you're a good father worthy of at least half custody, and individual counseling to help you deal with pain of this level of betrayal. 

The D is not going to happen over night. But you must used that time on becoming more independent. The 180 is to help you detach. Right now the attachment is one-way, which in her mind make you needy and appear like a weak man. Make sure you're taking care of your things. Do your own laundry, cooking, cleaning, and shopping. Don't depend on her for ANYTHING. Keep conversations to topics having to do with kids and household upkeep. 

Also work on yourself. We always recommend that men hit the gym HARD because of what it does for our confidence. Right now you have been shook to your core. The normal male thing is to soul search on what they did. Beat themselves up. Don't put that on yourself. Now is the time be completely selfish. Work on you. Your kids need there dad but right now he's to damaged. If you work on turning yourself around and being the best version of yourself, your kids will reap the reward and at the right time, you'll attract a quality woman into your life.


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## JohnA

Why did she confess? What red flags did you see? 

Could you create a longer post with more details?


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## Feeling lost and lonely

Just go back and read posts from other members. All of them told you basically the same thing.

Now it is up to my friend. Your life and your decision. 


Reply: will get counseling again to help with that had some right after I found out.

You dont have to do anything tonight. Use some time off work and think about what you want from your life. Think about your future. 


Reply: good idea sure need some time.

I told you once-Divorce her and be happy. You deserve better I belive.

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## Feeling lost and lonely

JohnA said:


> Why did she confess? What red flags did you see?
> 
> Could you create a longer post with more details?


She confessed when she couldn't handle the guilt anymore and she had stopped seeing them like that.

Oh the red flags were many now when I think of it. I was to naive and trusting to see.

After our twins were born she had postpartum depression and took quite a while to get better and she don't have a lot of friends so she asked if she could hang out with one guy she worked with. I told her I didn't like it but she convinced me that I could trust her and she was a bit upset that I didn't feel comfortable about it, later she got friends with the second guy from work.

I'm originally from Sweden and culture wise is different from the US in how men and women can be friends at least in my experience so that had part of my blindness. I tried to take away some stress from her with the kids even though I worked more and at least then took care of them more on my own.
Now they are in school during the day so I do most of all the housework when kids aren't home and go to work soon after they get home and during the night I get up if needed.

I wish I hadn't been so blind and trusting.

She used to get very upset if they would not reply to her texts but reply to other family members. They both used to know all her family and now only one does.

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## Be smart

Oh my friend it is getting even worse. 

Belive me she cheated with this other guys too sorry 

You said she had postpartum depression but she find solution to heal herself by spending time with two other guys. When you said to her you didnt like it she got mad and angry at you. ccc
No respect for you at all my friend.

I hate to say this,but I belive some of the guys wanted to tell you the truth or was telling story to other co-workers and bragging himself so your wife got scared and decided to come "clean". You know you will never find the whole truth.

I am from EU too and trust me the male/female friendship is everywhere the same.

Run and dont look back. You are from Sweden-there is a lot of nice good looking women there 
You deserve better


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## jsmart

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> She confessed when she couldn't handle the guilt anymore and she had stopped seeing them like that.
> 
> Oh the red flags were many now when I think of it. I was to naive and trusting to see.
> 
> After our twins were born she had postpartum depression and took quite a while to get better and she don't have a lot of friends so she asked if she could hang out with one guy she worked with. I told her I didn't like it but she convinced me that I could trust her and she was a bit upset that I didn't feel comfortable about it, later she got friends with the second guy from work.
> 
> *I'm originally from Sweden* and culture wise is different from the US in how men and women can be friends at least in my experience so that had part of my blindness. I tried to take away some stress from her with the kids even though I worked more and at least then took care of them more on my own.
> Now they are in school during the day so I do most of all the housework when kids aren't home and go to work soon after they get home and during the night I get up if needed.
> 
> I wish I hadn't been so blind and trusting.
> 
> She used to get very upset if they would not reply to her texts but reply to other family members. They both used to know all her family and now only one does.
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


You're from Sweden? You have freaking Viking blood in you running through your veins. Work on reviving what is dormant in you. Even if you're a cubicle jockey now, there is a warrior inside you that doesn't take any $hit. Your kids need him to protect them. Cultivate him as a way pass the pain of this betrayal.


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## Feeling lost and lonely

Be smart said:


> Oh my friend it is getting even worse.
> 
> Belive me she cheated with this other guys too sorry
> 
> You said she had postpartum depression but she find solution to heal herself by spending time with two other guys. When you said to her you didnt like it she got mad and angry at you. ccc
> No respect for you at all my friend.
> 
> I hate to say this,but I belive some of the guys wanted to tell you the truth or was telling story to other co-workers and bragging himself so your wife got scared and decided to come "clean". You know you will never find the whole truth.
> 
> I am from EU too and trust me the male/female friendship is everywhere the same.
> 
> Run and dont look back. You are from Sweden-there is a lot of nice good looking women there
> You deserve better


Those two guys are the same that I know she cheated on me with sorry if I was unclear.

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## Feeling lost and lonely

I find that most women from Sweden my age that I have meet are full of them self and very shallow and not very nice.



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## Feeling lost and lonely

GusPolinski said:


> The very first thing that you need to realize is this --
> 
> For as long as she's still in contact w/ this guy, the affair is still on.


That will be stopped.

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## Feeling lost and lonely

Sorry that there is so many replies that I have not answered to, I have read them all and thank you hopefully tomorrow I will have some actual progress update as I can make some calls.
A lot going through my mind but reading all this have made me feel stronger about it.

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## Feeling lost and lonely

Got an appointment for consultation with a lawyer in beginning of January and the counselor I want to talk to should be available after the holidays. Nice to finally have a plan.

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## Marduk

LosingHim said:


> Listen. This ***** doesn't have a ****ing clue.
> 
> You know why I can say that? Because before I came here, I didn't have a ****ing clue.
> 
> Let me spell this out for you. I sucked my husbands best friends **** on a drunken escapade one night 3 years ago because I don't know how to say no to people and I was too god damn dumb to walk my ass home after he demanded that I do it.
> 
> You know what I did then? When the idiot text me the next day about it and my husband saw it, I lied and said I just kissed him.
> 
> You know what I did then? I lied about it for three years. I let my OM and my husband become friends again. I even let my husband be a groomsmen in my OMs wedding this past summer. I let my husband invite my OM over to sit around the fire and drink beer more times than I can count. I let my husband golf with him, I let our kids play!
> 
> I successfully swept all the bull**** under the rug for 3 years! I remained Fb friends with my OM, hell, we even text each other sometimes about stupid ****! I even had an inkling that my OM told our male friends about what we did and I allowed them to hide it from my husband too since I surely didn't have the balls to tell him either.
> 
> You know what opened my damn eyes? Him asking for a separation. THATS when I came clean. That's when I told him I got on my knees and blew his friend like a *****.
> 
> And only then did the lightbulb switch on to what a horrible thing I'd done. Do you know how many times I rationalized in my head that it was just a 60 second Bj (because I did stop) so it really wasn't "that bad". How many times I thought to myself, "well were all friends again so he must be cool with it".
> 
> You know what else I thought? That I've NEVER admitted here? I GOT AWAY WITH IT. I wasn't PROUD that I got away with it. I didn't think I was a great person because I got away with it. I was delusional enough in thinking that I saved my marriage because I got away without telling the truth! Seriously, how ****ed up am I???
> 
> I was a delusional c*nt until I was faced with losing the man I love. I don't deserve him to love me and I know it. I don't deserve a second chance, but yet I'm still doing everything in my power to prove to him that I want to be better than who I was.
> 
> And I HATE that old version of me. Hell, I still hate parts of the current me.
> 
> You need to put the smack down on this woman. Let her know this **** is not acceptable. Tell her you want a separation or divorce. If she doesn't throw herself at you begging to follow all of your rules, to a tee, no ifs ands or butts about it.....
> 
> Well I'm sorry, but she's just a delusional c*nt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OMG.

Just catching up on this thread, but this post is ****ing EPIC.

This needs to be a damn sticky or something.

Pay attention, OP.


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## NoMoreTears4me

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> Got an appointment for consultation with a lawyer in beginning of January and the counselor I want to talk to should be available after the holidays. Nice to finally have a plan.
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


Good for you!


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## Feeling lost and lonely

Even though Christmas has been quite good (kids had a blast) it is still not what it should be like and I feel like i am covered by a cold wet blanket.

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## Be smart

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> Even though Christmas has been quite good (kids had a blast) it is still not what it should be like and I feel like i am covered by a cold wet blanket.
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


You know how to make your life better ? You know why you are still suffering ? Because you allowed all of this my friend.

She saw she can walk all over you and with no consequences.

Do something for yourself and your children. You only live once.

Happy Christmas for you and your children.
Your wife- I dont think so.

Stay strong.


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## Spotthedeaddog

GusPolinski said:


> The very first thing that you need to realize is this --
> 
> For as long as she's still in contact w/ this guy, the affair is still on.


Depends on whats happening in lives. If they're workmates they can be close but not EA. It does take the pair of them to be grown-ups about the relationship - and that means a willingness to be _completely_ open to other partners justifiable jealousy and concerns. As the "guilty party" one has to take on board that one deserves that and take precautions, keep to public spaces, be around others, check in if agreed. Show that one actually cares about the offended persons priorities more than your own desires.

The more social the event the less appropriate such contact is, but sometimes... eg both major sportspeople, then just got to deal with life putting you in same place all the time.
And at that times when appropriate it means speaking the love language to the person you wronged to show you still appreciate them, AND be willing to go the distance to show you're not cheating.


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## GusPolinski

spotthedeaddog said:


> Depends...


I'll stop you right there --

No, it doesn't.

This isn't an OM w/ whom she *might* have an affair. This is an OM w/ whom she's *already had* an affair. Oh, and she refused to stop communicating w/ him.

For all intents and purposes, for as long as she's still in contact w/ this guy, she's still inflicting affair-related trauma upon her husband and family, which means that the affair is ongoing.

Period.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eric1

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> I find that most women from Sweden my age that I have meet are full of them self and very shallow and not very nice.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk



Still beats what you got 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Feeling lost and lonely

eric1 said:


> Still beats what you got
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


True good point.

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## Feeling lost and lonely

GusPolinski said:


> I'll stop you right there --
> 
> No, it doesn't.
> 
> This isn't an OM w/ whom she *might* have an affair. This is an OM w/ whom she's *already had* an affair. Oh, and she refused to stop communicating w/ him.
> 
> For all intents and purposes, for as long as she's still in contact w/ this guy, she's still inflicting affair-related trauma upon her husband and family, which means that the affair is ongoing.
> 
> Period.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Affair related trauma makes a lot of sense and a very good way to put it. 

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## Feeling lost and lonely

Be smart said:


> You know how to make your life better ? You know why you are still suffering ? Because you allowed all of this my friend.
> 
> She saw she can walk all over you and with no consequences.
> 
> Do something for yourself and your children. You only live once.
> 
> Happy Christmas for you and your children.
> Your wife- I dont think so.
> 
> Stay strong.


I wish I was strong enough to just go but finally I at least have an appointment with a lawyer to find out what I need to do and going to get counseling after new years.
It makes it more difficult that my wife is depressed and stressed out for various reasons and it pull me in again because of my history with depression and that I for some odd reason still care.

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## Divinely Favored

She is depressed her party is over and she is worried about exposure.:bomb::astonished: Expose to every body so she no longer has to worry about it!:smirk:


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## bandit.45

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> I wish I was strong enough to just go but finally I at least have an appointment with a lawyer to find out what I need to do and going to get counseling after new years.
> It makes it more difficult that my wife is depressed and stressed out for various reasons and it pull me in again because of my history with depression and that I for some odd reason still care.
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


She is depressed because she sees the storm coming. She feels you pulling away. You have been her soft landing pad for years and she is losing that security. 

Get to that lawyer and start the D process. There has to be a sweet Scandinavian girl out there somewhere who will love you unconditionally and be faithful.


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## Feeling lost and lonely

Divinely Favored said:


> She is depressed her party is over and she is worried about exposure.:bomb::astonished: Expose to every body so she no longer has to worry about it!:smirk:


I am sure that is part of it together with some reasons that was there before.

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## Feeling lost and lonely

bandit.45 said:


> She is depressed because she sees the storm coming. She feels you pulling away. You have been her soft landing pad for years and she is losing that security.
> 
> Get to that lawyer and start the D process. There has to be a sweet Scandinavian girl out there somewhere who will love you unconditionally and be faithful.


I feel like we have been drifting apart even more lately then before. She has a lot of health problems that have often been used as a reason for not doing anything not just intimacy but now that modified lie might be part of it too.
Can I "make" her get counseling or is that going to far if I tell her I will leave of she don't?

There may be some Scandinavian girl out there but I plan to stay in US either way because of the kids and I like it here and became a citizen earlier this year.

As for finding someone else if leaving I am in no rush I can make it on my own.
I do most of the cooking (nothing fancy but enough), wash, cleaning and dishes as it is now just wouldn't have to feel this crappy most of the time if I didn't have to deal with this as much.

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## Be smart

Please dont make any excuses for her cheating. You said she was having some health problems. Well ask her why she didnt visit a doctor or talk with you,but she decided some other man is going to solve it for her.

Every marriage have problems. In your case you "drifted apart" but you did try and fix it,by talking with her. What did she do ??? Find some man !

You cant force her to Counseling. If she was really sorry and if she really loves you she would choose Counseling,but nope,sorry 

This only shows me that she is sorry she cant continue with her Affair/s.

New week is here my friend,talk with lawyer and make decision after the New Year. Think about your future and your kids future.

Stay strong.


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## Feeling lost and lonely

Be smart said:


> Please dont make any excuses for her cheating. You said she was having some health problems. Well ask her why she didnt visit a doctor or talk with you,but she decided some other man is going to solve it for her.
> 
> Every marriage have problems. In your case you "drifted apart" but you did try and fix it,by talking with her. What did she do ??? Find some man !
> 
> You cant force her to Counseling. If she was really sorry and if she really loves you she would choose Counseling,but nope,sorry
> 
> This only shows me that she is sorry she cant continue with her Affair/s.
> 
> New week is here my friend,talk with lawyer and make decision after the New Year. Think about your future and your kids future.
> 
> Stay strong.


She has been to doctors for different things over the years some gets better then the next thing comes up.

She often complain that I don't talk enough but when I do she often don't care what I say. I used to feel like I should have tried harder to talk but know now that it would not have changed what she was doing.

I have an appointment with a lawyer middle of next week.

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## Feeling lost and lonely

Had my appointment with a lawyer and at least know more now what I need to do and roughly how much it will cost.
Not sure yet what will happen other then that I need more counseling to get through this.

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## Marc878

A counselor isn't going to fix this for you. You are going to have to do it yourself.


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## turnera

What have you changed in your life? Are you taking a class? Joining a sports club? Calling up old friends? Trying out new restaurants? Exercising? Going to sporting events?


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## Feeling lost and lonely

Marc878 said:


> A counselor isn't going to fix this for you. You are going to have to do it yourself.


I know they can't fix it but I need their help to help me get there.

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## Feeling lost and lonely

turnera said:


> What have you changed in your life? Are you taking a class? Joining a sports club? Calling up old friends? Trying out new restaurants? Exercising? Going to sporting events?


At the moment not much I have been able to change. No car and work evenings but working on it.

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## turnera

No car? Start walking. Walk a block the first week, each day. Next week, walk two blocks. Then three. Then four. Make it a goal to walk a mile. Then two miles. Then start carrying hand weights while you walk. Then add leg weights. DO something!


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## Be smart

Thank you for update my friend.

I hope you are doing better.

You know going to C is a good thing,but only when both,husband and wife try their hardest to stay together.

About your wife- she clearly have zero respect for you. A good wife will try her best to stay in marriage after what she done,but in you case she even pulled back.

Is she still refusing to talk with you about this ?


Stay strong.


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## Feeling lost and lonely

Be smart said:


> Thank you for update my friend.
> 
> I hope you are doing better.
> 
> You know going to C is a good thing,but only when both,husband and wife try their hardest to stay together.
> 
> About your wife- she clearly have zero respect for you. A good wife will try her best to stay in marriage after what she done,but in you case she even pulled back.
> 
> Is she still refusing to talk with you about this ?
> 
> 
> Stay strong.


She pretty much don't want to talk or do anything unless she suggested it or something she really want. In some ways I am doing better but a lot of that is because I care less now and accepting to be like roommates. I am soon 37 and I have stopped caring about intimacy and that has reduced my stress levels a lot, not good but at least something good out of it. Trying to be a better dad and more concentrated at work helps too. Other then by our kids I feel more appreciated and wanted at work then i do at home where I just feel needed for what I take care off.

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## Be smart

I belive I have more respect for you then your wife,and I dont even know you.

You cant make or force your wife to work on this marriage. This have to be her decision and I am sure she does not want it.

What is she doing this days anyway ? How she acts around you when she see you in pain ?

Happy to see you trying to be a better father,the only thing what is good from this marriage I think.


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## Feeling lost and lonely

Be smart said:


> I belive I have more respect for you then your wife,and I dont even know you.
> 
> You cant make or force your wife to work on this marriage. This have to be her decision and I am sure she does not want it.
> 
> What is she doing this days anyway ? How she acts around you when she see you in pain ?
> 
> Happy to see you trying to be a better father,the only thing what is good from this marriage I think.


Very possible that you do.

She don't see my pain.

We don't see each other that much because of our schedules but we are civil as long as what she wanted done is done and how she wanted it, if not we are often very short with each other.
Most of the time I think so too that they are the only good from this because I have almost completely lost who I am at least at home.

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## turnera

Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy yet?
https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## Feeling lost and lonely

turnera said:


> Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy yet?
> https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


Thanks for link will start reading tonight.

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## Feeling lost and lonely

Earlier this week a guy that she used to talk to online that lives an hour away found her on Facebook and they started talking again to catch up.
I feel like I can't decide who she talks to but this really bothers me. Far as I know he used to be engaged but it ended for some reason and now single. He has already asked about hanging out to catch up. Luckily they don't have same days off but my wife said this morning that all she would do would be going to lunch and her other friend go with her but later said go even without her friend.

I know trying make thing better between us I need to trust her but I can't and I really can't trust him not trying anything.

Any advice?


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## eric1

"I'm not comfortable with this"


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## Feeling lost and lonely

eric1 said:


> "I'm not comfortable with this"


Good advice.

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## bandit.45

We teach people how to treat us. You have taught your wife how to treat you. 

Once you decide to start standing up for yourself and not let her push you around, your life will begin to change for the better. 

She's not going to stop cheating on you and fraternizing with other men, because you have taught her nothing will happen if she does.


----------



## Feeling lost and lonely

bandit.45 said:


> We teach people how to treat us. You have taught your wife how to treat you.
> 
> Once you decide to start standing up for yourself and not let her push you around, your life will begin to change for the better.
> 
> She's not going to stop cheating on you and fraternizing with other men, because you have taught her nothing will happen if she does.


That makes a lot of sense, I think I need to get her girl friend she is hanging out with today to leave early have to get this taken care off. Hopefully get somewhere with it.

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## GusPolinski

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> That makes a lot of sense, I think I need to get her girl friend she is hanging out with today to leave early have to get this taken care off. Hopefully get somewhere with it.


Wait... what?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Feeling lost and lonely

GusPolinski said:


> Wait... what?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just meaning I need to talk to her during actual daytime not after kids are asleep.

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## turnera

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> I know trying make thing better between us I need to trust her but I can't and I really can't trust him not trying anything.
> 
> Any advice?


Tell me again, why you should trust her? She needs to GAIN your trust, by not meeting up with other men.

Apparently you are SUCH a doormat that she has NO fear you will EVER leave her, that she just flat out TELLS you before she goes to cheat.

Advice? 

Go make up the spare bed, cos you'll be sleeping there when she starts bringing her boy toys over to sleep in her bed.

You know, cos you'll never DO anything about her cheating in your face.

smfh

Oh, wait, you want real advice? Go online, print out some divorce papers, walk up to her, hand them to her, and tell her the instant you leave to meet up with your 'friend,' I will be filing these.

Of course, you'd have to actually FILE for divorce, and we all know you never will.

So you may as well just move into the spare room and tell her to get on with it.


----------



## Feeling lost and lonely

turnera said:


> Tell me again, why you should trust her? She needs to GAIN your trust, by not meeting up with other men.
> 
> Apparently you are SUCH a doormat that she has NO fear you will EVER leave her, that she just flat out TELLS you before she goes to cheat.
> 
> Advice?
> 
> Go make up the spare bed, cos you'll be sleeping there when she starts bringing her boy toys over to sleep in her bed.
> 
> You know, cos you'll never DO anything about her cheating in your face.
> 
> smfh
> 
> Oh, wait, you want real advice? Go online, print out some divorce papers, walk up to her, hand them to her, and tell her the instant you leave to meet up with your 'friend,' I will be filing these.
> 
> Of course, you'd have to actually FILE for divorce, and we all know you never will.
> 
> So you may as well just move into the spare room and tell her to get on with it.


You are more right about that then I would like to admit but you are.

Today we have finally talked about some of our issues now saying she is depressed and not interested in sex with anyone I told her she needs help but didn't sound interested in that but told me to find someone else if I wanted sex.

Need to talk more once she gets back from grocery shopping.

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## turnera

"Thank you. I WILL be finding someone else for sex. As soon as I'm divorced."


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## Divinely Favored

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> turnera said:
> 
> 
> 
> Tell me again, why you should trust her? She needs to GAIN your trust, by not meeting up with other men.
> 
> Apparently you are SUCH a doormat that she has NO fear you will EVER leave her, that she just flat out TELLS you before she goes to cheat.
> 
> Advice?
> 
> Go make up the spare bed, cos you'll be sleeping there when she starts bringing her boy toys over to sleep in her bed.
> 
> You know, cos you'll never DO anything about her cheating in your face.
> 
> smfh
> 
> Oh, wait, you want real advice? Go online, print out some divorce papers, walk up to her, hand them to her, and tell her the instant you leave to meet up with your 'friend,' I will be filing these.
> 
> Of course, you'd have to actually FILE for divorce, and we all know you never will.
> 
> So you may as well just move into the spare room and tell her to get on with it.
> 
> 
> 
> You are more right about that then I would like to admit but you are.
> 
> Today we have finally talked about some of our issues now saying she is depressed and not interested in sex with anyone I told her she needs help but didn't sound interested in that but told me to find someone else if I wanted sex.
> 
> Need to talk more once she gets back from grocery shopping.
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

Basically " I have someone lined up and am not interested in you! If you would be a nice little beta boy and do as mommy tells you, I can leave you and blame you for the destruction of my marriage and feel better about screwing around on you because after all it is all your fault"


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## Divinely Favored

turnera said:


> "thank you. I will be finding someone else for sex. As soon as i'm divorced."



word!


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## Be smart

This is really bad update my friend.

You are in the same position maybe even worse,because your wife told you in YOUR FACE that she is going out with this guy !!! This is another guy she bring to your marriage.

She dont care about you at all. You are only paying for house and watching your kids. 

Your wife did nothing to let you know she loves you and how much she is sorry. She is living her own life.

Stop beging her,talk with your lawyer. How much are you going to allow all of this ?


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## TDSC60

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> Today we have finally talked about some of our issues *now saying she is depressed and not interested in sex with anyone* Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


Wasn't her depression the same excuse she used to avoid sex with you while she was f*cking 2 other guys for 1.5 years?

Also, her telling you to find someone else to have sex with is her telling you that she doesn't care about you even a little. But she has enough energy and drive to set up a lunch date with a guy she hasn't seen in a while (would you care to guess what else is going to happen?). No respect for you at all.

The marriage is over for her. What are you waiting on?


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## Feeling lost and lonely

Our marriage have not had much sex from the beginning and finally she tells me more why. She has much more experience then I have and now she tells me I'm not that good at it so it's not that good for her. Her suggestion serious or not was to pay for it for practise and serious suggestion was watch porn and we can talk after and see if it would work. 


I think I need to borrow money from my family for a divorce lawyer.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Feeling lost and lonely

Good that it was enough.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Feeling lost and lonely

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> Good that it was enough.
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


Ignore this text went wrong place.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Borntohang

How emasculating! Do the 180 immediately. You need it! See an attorney Monday!
When she was talking her about experience, was she referring to since you were married???


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## Feeling lost and lonely

Borntohang said:


> How emasculating! Do the 180 immediately. You need it! See an attorney Monday!
> When she was talking her about experience, was she referring to since you were married???


She told me that about 2 hours ago.

I wasn't very experienced before we got married so not very good at it.
After almost 9 years I manage to drag it out of her.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## bandit.45

Well at least you know where you stand. 

Her telling you to find other women to have sex with, or to watch porn, is her way of telling you that you are no longer a viable sex partner for her and she plans to continue screwing other men .

Get that divorce going and get away from this cruel woman.


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## Feeling lost and lonely

bandit.45 said:


> Well at least you know where you stand.
> 
> Her telling you to find other women to have sex with, or to watch porn, is her way of telling you that you are no longer a viable sex partner for her and she plans to continue screwing other men .
> 
> Get that divorce going and get away from this cruel woman.


The porn was to watch and learn from she said, was very serious about that.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## TDSC60

In many marriages the level of prior sexual experience is different.

But if there is love to start with, the more experienced partner can teach or show the other partner what to do and how to do it.

Instead of helping and teaching you (this part could have been a lot of fun), she took the route of f*cking other men instead of talking to you about your inexperience.

Your wife is a very self-centered selfish woman and you will be much better off without her in your life. Telling you to go find a prostitute to teach you then come back and talk to her is down right evil.


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## jsmart

Why haven't you filed? There is nothing to save. Her actions and her words say she is through with you. You're torturing yourself by taking her abuse. File so you can start to work on your new life. 

God designed us to go from inception to birth in 40 weeks. Set some ambitious but realistic goals for you to strive for. You can be born again. I'm not talking in a Christian sense, though I wholeheartedly believe that's where it should begin, but was talking about physical, educational/professional, as well as spiritual goals for you to strive for. 40 weeks to the new man.


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## OldWolf57

Did you have a father figure in your life ??
If so, was he a family head truly, or as unmanned as you ??

Seriously, not trying to be funny.

I just can't see anyone growing into you after having a strong male in their life.


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## bryanp

Please cut that witch out of your life. She absolutely toxic and emasculating to you.

Please remember these words:
IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

If you continue to stay with her she will eventually destroy you. It is so obvious. How can you not see this?


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## Feeling lost and lonely

TDSC60 said:


> In many marriages the level of prior sexual experience is different.
> 
> But if there is love to start with, the more experienced partner can teach or show the other partner what to do and how to do it.
> 
> Instead of helping and teaching you (this part could have been a lot of fun), she took the route of f*cking other men instead of talking to you about your inexperience.
> 
> Your wife is a very self-centered selfish woman and you will be much better off without her in your life. Telling you to go find a prostitute to teach you then come back and talk to her is down right evil.


I agree she is very self-centered and selfish in many ways. I have tried to talk to her before about lack of intimacy and there has always been lots of other reasons other then the truth which I think is the hardest part right now. 

Hearing that I should pay someone really hurt.

She complain that I don't talk about things and then she leaves this out for soon 9 years of marriage and 2 years of dating. We only saw each other about 4 weeks a years before we got married but she had plenty of time to tell.

I know I have my faults I sure am not perfect but I don't get how she could handle this like this.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Feeling lost and lonely

jsmart said:


> Why haven't you filed? There is nothing to save. Her actions and her words say she is through with you. You're torturing yourself by taking her abuse. File so you can start to work on your new life.
> 
> God designed us to go from inception to birth in 40 weeks. Set some ambitious but realistic goals for you to strive for. You can be born again. I'm not talking in a Christian sense, though I wholeheartedly believe that's where it should begin, but was talking about physical, educational/professional, as well as spiritual goals for you to strive for. 40 weeks to the new man.


You are right about nothing to save anymore. Today that has become very clear even to me. I certainly have a lot of things I need to improve on so will pick some for that. At least right now I have a job I can't advance in more then to do it better but I most days truly enjoy what I do for an at least okay living.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Vinnydee

I will say what I always say, past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior. You wife is doing what so many women do. They make their cheating be because of you. It is something you did. Something that she never mentioned to you or gave you a chance to fix. Instead, she had sex with not one man, but two. I guess she needed a second opinion on her problems. I bet you are starting to feel like you drove her to cheat. Most husbands do start to believe it was their fault somehow because they do not want to face the alternative.

I have been cheated on twice and in both cases, the woman cheated on those that came after me. I have seen all of my friends who had cheating wives, ultimately getting divorced. The last best friend I had knew his wife cheated on him before, but did not know she was cheating on him with her boss for two years still. Spouses feel a lot of guilt when they cheat and they want to make themselves feel better by unloading it on their partner. It is not done for any other purpose but to alleviate their guilt and then it becomes your problem.

There is always a reason why they cheated and it is always due to what others do. They never say that they saw a hot guy who made them feel sex and banged him for pleasure. There are always other reasons and you that drove them to do it.

Of course, it may work out well for you but do you really want to remain married to a woman who seeks comfort in the arms of other men whenever there is a problem? I could not live knowing that my wife lies so easily and willingly. I could not live with someone who I had to be suspicious of every time she was away from me. I chose to move on and it turned out to be the right decision for me. There is an expression that I found to be true in the majority of cases; once a cheater always a cheater. You can certainly forgive her but you will never forget her. Just read the post from husbands whose wives have cheated on them in the past and how it affects their marriage afterwards. She has proven what she is capable of and why would you believe a known liar?


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## Feeling lost and lonely

OldWolf57 said:


> Did you have a father figure in your life ??
> If so, was he a family head truly, or as unmanned as you ??
> 
> Seriously, not trying to be funny.
> 
> I just can't see anyone growing into you after having a strong male in their life.


My dad worked a lot when I grew up but was there for most sports and school events even if he had take of early from work. My parents were very equal far as a can remember.

I wish I knew what happened to me in that aspect.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Feeling lost and lonely

bryanp said:


> Please cut that witch out of your life. She absolutely toxic and emasculating to you.
> 
> 
> 
> If you continue to stay with her she will eventually destroy you. It is so obvious. How can you not see this?


When I look back I can see how she has destroyed most of me already I can see it now.

Please remember these words:
IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL? 
Very good point.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Feeling lost and lonely

Today she got mad when I asked her friend if she was texting a lot when they were out grocery shopping. Said she don't need me to keep tabs on her or asking others to let me know because they will be suspicious and I should trust her because she has already told the guy she started talking to that it is only as friends and he agree and said he don't want to ruin a family.
It made me mad and finally got some other truth out of her 

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Chaparral

So she's on her third boyfriend you know of. How is that working out for you.

She doesn't want you to leave yet because you're the cook, babysitter and maid. Does she give you weekends off?


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## OldWolf57

If I recall, she was also depressed when she started the affairs, while telling you the same as this time.


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## farsidejunky

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> Today she got mad when I asked her friend if she was texting a lot when they were out grocery shopping. Said she don't need me to keep tabs on her or asking others to let me know because they will be suspicious and I should trust her because she has already told the guy she started talking to that it is only as friends and he agree and said he don't want to ruin a family.
> It made me mad and finally got some other truth out of her
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


Stop asking her anything. People en route to divorce don't get that luxury. 

180, 180, 180.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## TDSC60

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> I know I have my faults I sure am not perfect but I don't get how she could handle this like this.
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


You cannot understand "crazy". Don't worry about "how could she do this", just get your exit strategy planned. Do not tell her about your plans.


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## turnera

So what plans have you made this weekend for moving out?


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## ConanHub

Chaparral said:


> So she's on her third boyfriend you know of. How is that working out for you.
> 
> She doesn't want you to leave yet because you're the cook, babysitter and maid. Does she give you weekends off?


Does she give him sexual leftovers?

Sloppy seconds or thirds?

Scraps left by other men?

Might be considered a good deal for a babysitter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Feeling lost and lonely

Vinnydee said:


> I will say what I always say, past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior. You wife is doing what so many women do. They make their cheating be because of you. It is something you did. Something that she never mentioned to you or gave you a chance to fix. Instead, she had sex with not one man, but two. I guess she needed a second opinion on her problems. I bet you are starting to feel like you drove her to cheat. Most husbands do start to believe it was their fault somehow because they do not want to face the alternative.
> 
> I have been cheated on twice and in both cases, the woman cheated on those that came after me. I have seen all of my friends who had cheating wives, ultimately getting divorced. The last best friend I had knew his wife cheated on him before, but did not know she was cheating on him with her boss for two years still. Spouses feel a lot of guilt when they cheat and they want to make themselves feel better by unloading it on their partner. It is not done for any other purpose but to alleviate their guilt and then it becomes your problem.
> 
> There is always a reason why they cheated and it is always due to what others do. They never say that they saw a hot guy who made them feel sex and banged him for pleasure. There are always other reasons and you that drove them to do it.
> 
> Of course, it may work out well for you but do you really want to remain married to a woman who seeks comfort in the arms of other men whenever there is a problem? I could not live knowing that my wife lies so easily and willingly. I could not live with someone who I had to be suspicious of every time she was away from me. I chose to move on and it turned out to be the right decision for me. There is an expression that I found to be true in the majority of cases; once a cheater always a cheater. You can certainly forgive her but you will never forget her. Just read the post from husbands whose wives have cheated on them in the past and how it affects their marriage afterwards. She has proven what she is capable of and why would you believe a known liar?


I know I won't forget what happened.

Before I felt more like it was my fault then I do now after hearing more and more I believe she will again if given the chance.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Feeling lost and lonely

Chaparral said:


> So she's on her third boyfriend you know of. How is that working out for you.
> 
> She doesn't want you to leave yet because you're the cook, babysitter and maid. Does she give you weekends off?


My time off is when kids are in school and I don't do all the stuff needed to be done.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Feeling lost and lonely

OldWolf57 said:


> If I recall, she was also depressed when she started the affairs, while telling you the same as this time.


Yes same reason.
She don't even know if she wants to try and get trough her depression.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Feeling lost and lonely

farsidejunky said:


> Stop asking her anything. People en route to divorce don't get that luxury.
> 
> 180, 180, 180.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Good point.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Feeling lost and lonely

TDSC60 said:


> You cannot understand "crazy". Don't worry about "how could she do this", just get your exit strategy planned. Do not tell her about your plans.


She will be very surprised by my plan.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Feeling lost and lonely

turnera said:


> So what plans have you made this weekend for moving out?


Been working on trying to borrow money from my family for my plans.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Feeling lost and lonely

ConanHub said:


> Does she give him sexual leftovers?
> 
> Sloppy seconds or thirds?
> 
> Scraps left by other men?
> 
> Might be considered a good deal for a babysitter.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If I at least got something for the work it would be a little better.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Be smart

I am so sorry my friend. Your wife is abusing you. Please talk with lawyer and Divorce her. I would tell the same to my own brother. 

She once again told you in face she was going out with third man or how many !!! Also she said it is only "friendship". Come on you are smarter then that. Cant you see she lost all respect and love for you. 

I hope you pay atention right now and I am not trying to make you feel better,but your wife saying you are not good in bed or you dont know how to do it is ALL CRAP.
With this speach she wants to bring you even lower,so you could accept her behaviour and sleeping/dating other man. 

Please RUN. Do it for yourself and your own kids.

You have a lot of years in front of you my friend,including new and better wife,maybe new kids and ofc. your grandkids.
So my personal advice for you is to work hard to have this bright future. You can make it,but first you need to get rid of this woman and find yourself. Respect yourself at the first place. If you dont do that then dont expect it from her or someone else.

Stay strong


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## TDSC60

I really hate to bring this up. But considering your wife's behavior, how sure are you that you are the biological father of the children?


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## OldWolf57

FLL, It seems you are finally getting it.

You was not raised to be some sl#t's slave.

You as so many, just got beat down over time, just to keep the peace.
You nor them saw the real damage being done to the decent person, you lived your life trying to be.

Don't beat yourself up over the past. Just get back to the man you was raised to be.

Start by ignoring her honey-do list.
Tell her you work everyday same as her, so if she wants it done, do it herself instead of hanging out all day with her girlfriend.

After that, just stop talking to her. You know by now nothing nice EVER comes out of her mouth concerning you. So PLEASE start a serious 180.
In fact, if it was me, I would look her in the eye and say " that's right, keep right on petting the cottonmouth".


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## Feeling lost and lonely

I have had an initial meeting with lawyer so know how much they charge to begin with working on getting the money for it by borrowing from my family.

I don't know if she actually ever respected me and I have only really had one other longer relationship so for a long time i thought that it is how it is. 

Paying a lot more attention now then before.

It sure works for getting me down but now its also more fuel to leave.

Yeah a better future with a wife that actually wants me not only need me when convenient to her, or only think of what I want when convenient for her.


Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Feeling lost and lonely

She didn't have any opportunity that time period.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Feeling lost and lonely

OldWolf57 said:


> FLL, It seems you are finally getting it.
> 
> You was not raised to be some sl#t's slave.
> 
> You as so many, just got beat down over time, just to keep the peace.
> You nor them saw the real damage being done to the decent person, you lived your life trying to be.
> 
> Don't beat yourself up over the past. Just get back to the man you was raised to be.
> 
> Start by ignoring her honey-do list.
> Tell her you work everyday same as her, so if she wants it done, do it herself instead of hanging out all day with her girlfriend.
> 
> After that, just stop talking to her. You know by now nothing nice EVER comes out of her mouth concerning you. So PLEASE start a serious 180.
> In fact, if it was me, I would look her in the eye and say " that's right, keep right on petting the cottonmouth".


Yeah finally learning something thanks to all helpful people here.

I feel so lost with who I am anymore a lot more times these days then I recognize my self.

I would like to be myself again if I can remember who I am.

Will do less. Talking less I am already doing.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> If I at least got something for the work it would be a little better.
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


Got to have some humor with all the crap.

LOL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eric1

You're doing a great job man. There will be emotional ups and downs. There will be missteps. There will be regret.

But what you're doing thus far is being hones with yourself and that puts you WAY AHEAD of the game.


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## Be smart

My friend dont even think about money. Ask your family,close friend,your boss or take a loan from bank. We are talking about your future,your health,your kids ...

I hope you read my previous post and her crap saying that you are not good in bed. Trust me,she only want to hit you even lower saying those things. You are already on your knees because she is doing everything she can without even thinking about you. 

You have to put your focus on yourself and your kids once again. Just forget about her crap. 

You can make it my friend. Stay strong.


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## Feeling lost and lonely

eric1 said:


> You're doing a great job man. There will be emotional ups and downs. There will be missteps. There will be regret.
> 
> But what you're doing thus far is being hones with yourself and that puts you WAY AHEAD of the game.


Last couple of days sure has been an emotional roller coaster for me, almost more now then when she told me she cheated.

Thanks for the encouragement.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Feeling lost and lonely

ConanHub said:


> Got to have some humor with all the crap.
> 
> LOL!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Very true

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Feeling lost and lonely

Be smart said:


> My friend dont even think about money. Ask your family,close friend,your boss or take a loan from bank. We are talking about your future,your health,your kids ...
> 
> I hope you read my previous post and her crap saying that you are not good in bed. Trust me,she only want to hit you even lower saying those things. You are already on your knees because she is doing everything she can without even thinking about you.
> 
> You have to put your focus on yourself and your kids once again. Just forget about her crap.
> 
> You can make it my friend. Stay strong.


Yes I read previous post thank you for your advice.

If she had told me this in the beginning it would have been a lot easier to handle now it really is just hurtful. 
Thanks for saying she only wants to hit me lower.


Having kids sure makes it a harder decision but once figuring out what is best for them then it is also extra strength because what's best for them is very important and gives extra strength to fight.

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## Feeling lost and lonely

I have secured my financing for a lawyer. 

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