# Infidelity, pregnancy...why did he do it?



## kleio123 (Apr 8, 2012)

He is 30 , I am 23. We are both not from the US(but has been here long enough), but from different countries. He is from the Middle East, I am from ex-USSR. Our parents live in home countries and have conservative views(no sex before marriage): his because of culture and Islam, mine due to culture and personal values mainly but with admixture of Islam. He has just finished his Phd, and I am pre-med. We are both very educated. 
We have lived together for 2 years, know each other romantically for 3, know each other for 4.
I would not have started living with hime if I was not sure in his serious interntions like marriage. I have seriously dated one person before him, and I only expected marriage from my second relationship. He always knew what I expect. Last year he went to his home country, after he returned not even a thought of infidelity crossed my mind, but he was grumpy, and even a bit verbally abusive. It passed, I got a psycologist to deal with myself and him. I love him, and wanted it to work. I have ADHD and family problems. He of course never went to therapy. 

5 Month ago I found out about a girl. It was a disaster. I have cried, and he swore he loved me. He did not say he cheated, he said that there was this girl in his homecountry who was kind of arranged to him, and without knowledge of their families they met to spend time together, because he pittied her. He came with this story how she was raped, and he promised to marry her without letting her family know that she is not a virgin, as it is a really bad situation in this country among some people. (This country is conservative in culture not in law, hymenoplasty is available , and some people marry non-virgins just like in the West, but some are very strict about it.)

I forgave him even though I found a conversation between him and her , and her naked pictures (although she wears a scarf). He said he will fix this issue by his graduation. He will convince his parents and help the girl somehow, whom he pitied. But for him pity and love are hard to separate. I gave him time until April. I wanted to move on or get married. I love him a lot, I know he loves me a lot, but is it just me that he loves? I was dreaming about marriage , kids. I am ready for that. My mom met him ,and liked him a lot. 

4 days ago I found out that I was pregnant, we were not trying. I am pro-choice, but i hardly believe in abortion for myself. My family would be happy to know that I will get married and will have a kid, but they will disown me if it is outside of marriage. I don't want an abortion, I was dreaming about this baby. I can't hibe him/her for adoption. This would be so cruel when she/he has older, mature (at least from my side), more or less financially secure(we are not starving) parents. I can't turn to my family with this, I am the one who emotionally support them though troubles, I can't be a trouble. I was just waiting for an obvious step from my boyfriend. I have asked him why is it so hard? 

It turned out that he cheated on me last year. He slept with the girl 3 years ago,and she lost her virginity to him.There was no rape story. This would not matter that much to me,as we were just barely romantically inloved platonically. I was also seeing many other men platonically. I just don't understand how could he be so stupid to sleep with a virgin from the middle east who comes from a conservative family. He had some many other relationship with liberal arabs before. Why was he so stupid ?

But the worst thing is that he slept with her last year when he was visiting his homecountry, almost a year after we started . He cheated on me while I was calling him everyday to tell hime how much I have missed him and love him. On a side note he gets sex from me everyday, I am beautiful, ambitious, smart, kind, educated. Without a doubt I can say I am more of all of these than her. I nag sometimes, but who does not? Why? Why did he do that? Is it because I love him so much and he felt secure, am I not a bitc4y person enough? Is it because I gave him everything my soul, my body, my care. Everything!!!

He swears he loves me a lot, he swears he can't live without me. He swears that it was a mistake. he can't explain why he did it? Why?

I am a popular girl, I had so many chances to cheat, I did not! How could he do that. I told him before that I will never forgive cheating. 

One minute he says that he loves me more than anything,and when I ask him about her. He says he loves her too, but it is a pity love, and he wants to be with me. I wish he had not mentioned the word love, but he did. How can he not differenciate pity from love? Does he love her. I told him 5 month ago that I will back off if he loves her, but he did not let me go. he does not let me go now, he promises he will fix everything. How can i trust him? I can't even leave him know without giving him a chance. My father died when I was 3 , I don't want the same for my child.

Although famous in Islam, having two wifes is not very culturally accepted in his country, and is totally not accepted in mine, but that what stupid solution has he offered, he promised to find another one. Because i can't hear that anymore. 

i have hurt myself yesterday for the first time by scratching myself, because I am so angry at myself. i wanted to hurt myself. I constantly think about suicide , even thought I know it is not a solution at all . How do I get these thoughts out ? How do I move on? Am I crazy for reacting this way? Is it why he cheated on me? I can't stop thinking that I am crazy, and no one should love me, even though i had men who loved me a lot. 

I want to love myself, I want to be strong , I want to find a solution, but I am weak and undecided. How do I leave him or how do I stay?


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## kleio123 (Apr 8, 2012)

please, someone, post something. I have no one to share this with


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

kleio,

You are in a very difficult position. It certainly sounds like your bf is struggling in a cultural battle of his own. If he was committed to this OW in an arranged marriage and he has already in a sense consummated that relationship by having sex with her are you sure he isn't already married to her and just studying in the US? Maybe it was his initial intention to come to the US for education purposes and then go back to his home country to be with her. Then he met you and fell in love and now is torn between his love for you and his perceived duty to her. The pregnancy certainly complicates things because now he will always have ties to you regardless of his choice. I realize that you aren't married yet but have you considered couples counseling. Maybe he would feel more comfortable addressing your issues in a more neutral setting?


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

What a difficult position to be in. {{HUGS}} It sounds like what you might think of as a 'best-case scenario' here would be him swearing off this other woman to be with you, marrying you, and you having the baby - but do you really want to be with this man for the rest of your life, knowing what you know now? That he cheated, lied over a long period of time, made up a rape story (that's a big lie), and now that you're pregnant, doesn't seem to be ready to take on the responsibilities of parenthood?

I think you need to think about what YOU want, given all this new information (which is a lot of information, and not easy to accept). 

As a pre-med student, how will going through with a pregnancy, and having a child, affect your own career plans?

They are all tough choices. I had an abortion in my 20s and I know these are very difficult decisions to make. I wouldn't wish the situation on anyone and yet we women sometimes have to face it. I wish you strength. But remember that YOU need to take care of YOU. He is too distracted by his 'pity love' or whatever she really is to be a strong partner to you right now, I am guessing.

How did he react to your discovery of them having sex? Did he immediately apologize, act devastated, swear never to contact her again? Or did he try to make excuses for himself?

Does he know that you're pregnant?


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## kleio123 (Apr 8, 2012)

Thank you Omega and Beowulf for your support. 
No he is not married for sure . She is waiting for him to graduate and come back. 
I will a have a horrible time doing an abortion,as pre-med does not interfere with my personal life.And in case of complications I won't be able to forgive myself. 
I was playing with an idea of having a baby in the coming years before stressful residency and fellowship. It surely easier to be a student with a newborn and flexible schedule, than a resident with no time. I hope my child will go to day care/school by my residency. Surely, baby is a huge commintment, but I will become a doctor no matter what. 

He knows about my pregnancy, until this moment I thought we did not hide anything from each other. And the problem is that he does take responsibilities of parenthood, he said he will be with me no matter what, that he will marry me, after he fixes the issue. He does not let me go. 
He told me about cheating himself, and he was devasated , he cried. he told me he can't explain it and he is very very wrong. He cares about me. But he cant explain why he did it.He told me multiple times that he wants to die, and does not know how to solve the problem, but he wants to be with me. And it is so bad that he is not this type of a irresponsible dad. He would be a great father. It seems that he needs help more than I do. I think we will go to my psycologist to begin with, but I don't know . And I do pity the girl, although I can't understand why was she so entusiastic about sex, provided she wears a scarf, and virginity is life/ death situation for her. She knows about my existance without much details though.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Given this new information... I think you have a good point about having a child now before things get crazy later. I have known several people to have children while still students (graduate school) before the craziness of 'real life' hits - and there are advantages. It can also be relatively easy to get a year or two leave of absence from a university to take care of a newborn (although if you're in the US on a student visa, I don't know if it would affect your status - you might want to research that). And it is a shame that many women who want to be mothers can't because the timeline of their career doesn't really allow for it. So that is definitely something to consider.

It's great that he would be a great father! But it's very important that you don't marry a man to be a father. You marry a man to be a husband. Whether you marry him or not, he will still be the child's father - if you decide to be a single mother, he can certainly be part of the child's life. (Are you both planning to stay in the US permanently? If not, are you likely to end up in different countries if you don't marry? This could be an issue down the line. Something else to consider.)

Can YOU forgive him for what he did? Do YOU feel safe and secure in your relationship with him? This is all very new but I guess what I'm asking is, do you feel that this can be overcome or not? Your thoughts on that might well change over the coming weeks and months. Just because you decide that you're okay with it today, does NOT mean that you don't have the right to decide that you're not okay with it after all, six months from now. The process of healing from infidelity is a long one - and often (usually? I don't know) it involves ending the relationship.

So while you have many options, you may have already ruled out some of them. They are:

- abortion, end relationship (ruled out)
- adoption at birth, end relationship (ruled out?)
- abortion or adoption, but stay in relationship (ruled out?)
- end relationship, keep child, but he has contact with the child
- stay in relationship, keep child, marry him
- other?

If you decide to get married, it is essential that you have fully worked out this issue and recovered from it. There's no sense in STARTING a marriage with open wounds from infidelity. I think very few relationships that involve known infidelity before the marriage even begins probably succeed. But what is important here is that marriage is not something that happens just because a baby is on the way, but rather because there is recovery from infidelity, you are both in love with each other, and you want to be married to each other - forget about him being a good father, he can be a good single father - marriage is about you and him and no one else.

The other woman sounds a bit shady to me. Something seems to be missing. Maybe she is trying to use sex (past and current) to manipulate him for some reason. Maybe he is taking advantage of a naive / unsophisticated woman who looks up to or is attracted to him. Who knows. You CAN'T know, because you can't talk to her. He knows this. He knows that you can only "know" what he tells you. This puts you in a really disadvantaged position, because you now know that you can't trust him anyway. 

It's a tough one. I wonder if his family is pressuring him to be with her for cultural reasons.


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## kleio123 (Apr 8, 2012)

Thank you , Omega! Your post really helps. I will have to think about all of these. Happy Easter!


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I agree with Omega. I would venture that he is feeling very torn by his love for you and his perceived duty to his family and this OW. But you need to decide what it is you want and need. Keep updating us here on TAM and maybe after the Easter holiday is over you may get more responses as well.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Kleio,

I amso sorry you find yourself in this situation. What does yuor boy friend need to fix if he is not already married? This sounds mike bull to me. Do yuo really want to live your life with this sorry excuse for a man?

Also, having an infant or small child during medical school is no picnic and residency is even more challenging if you don't have a greta support network. I know you feel strongly about the pregnancy; but, you really shold consider what is bets for the baby. I'm not certain from you description that adoption shouldn't be higher up on the consideration list.

My heart goes out to you.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

kleio123 said:


> He is 30 , I am 23. We are both not from the US(but has been here long enough), but from different countries. He is from the Middle East, I am from ex-USSR. Our parents live in home countries and have conservative views(no sex before marriage): his because of culture and Islam, mine due to culture and personal values mainly but with admixture of Islam. He has just finished his Phd, and I am pre-med. We are both very educated.
> We have lived together for 2 years, know each other romantically for 3, know each other for 4.
> I would not have started living with hime if I was not sure in his serious interntions like marriage. I have seriously dated one person before him, and I only expected marriage from my second relationship. He always knew what I expect. Last year he went to his home country, after he returned not even a thought of infidelity crossed my mind, but he was grumpy, and even a bit verbally abusive. It passed, I got a psycologist to deal with myself and him. I love him, and wanted it to work. I have ADHD and family problems. He of course never went to therapy.
> 
> ...


Your partner does not respect you, if he is a true muslim, and follows the koran both of you are in trouble not only with your family but with ala'h. 

It is deemed an "honorable kill" for families to easiely remove themselves by the shame of their daughters actions, I understand not wanting to tell you family and considering going "underground" with your child now. If you do not marry this man, this is the only choice you have now, and I assume you must stay in the US.

For your guy-friend, he is a manipulating, back stabbing Muslim, who has lied to this other poor woman, I do believe he has told her that he intends to marry her, why else would she allow him to take her virginity and continue to visit her (but tells you he is visiting his family). 

You are in big trouble if you follow the koran's teachings, the is one of the most sevre actions against the religion you and your guy friend has engaged in. He can remove himself from you anytime, but you cannot remove yourself from your pregnancy.

I would demand he marries you now! That is your only solution to this problem, and inform his family what his actions are so somebody can stop this reckless behavior. He has damaged you. You have damaged your faith, and there will be humiliating consequences when both families come to learn of this situation.

The only other solution is to remove yourself from your religion, become a US citizen and find another man (preferrably one not in the muslim/islamic religion). We both know if you do not marry this man now, any person from the Islamic faith will consider you a the lowest person due to your actions going against the islamic teachings.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

To me it sounds like he keeps delaying you and keeps up with his excuses, do not trust this man any more, and demand he marry you now.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

I speak like this because my family is Muslim, and I understand the teachings of the Koran. It is one of the most unforgiving religions I have learned about.

My personal example; my brother and I grew up in the US, we are typical Americans, but our actions are not greeted by our family in the middle east/ muslims. My brother has two children out of weddlock, common for americans yes... but my family doesnt even acknowledge them due to this. They will not even ask about his children or want to see them. Muslims hold strong beliefs, and they put Allah infront of everything in their lives. It really is a beautiful religion but like I said, not very forgiving. 

That is why I say the only solution is for you to marry this man NOW. Make him stop giving you these excuses to delay, the longer you delay the more damage to your character (if you practice islam).
You have only learned about this 4 days ago, if you marry him now there will not be an issue with your family, as you can make that excuse that you got pregnant right after marriage, its possible. Its not possible to try and create a bigger lie when he decides to marry you in the future. 

This man, if a good man, will respect the situation and marry you immediately. He knows his religion! If he doesnt not marry you, I would be very cautious as he might plan on leaving you. A pregnant woman out of weddlock is not allowed in the religion, as I am sure you know this.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Leave him he is incapable of truly loving someone from what it seems like he does not deserve you. 

Best of luck 

I think you deserve better the question is do you?


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## Laba (Nov 12, 2011)

I was around ex-USSR and arab community for years and saw plenty tears from ex-USSR girls with broken hearts after them dating,loving the arab guys.... Most of the time it ended due to them getting wife from their own background. One example was crazy where girl stuck in it for a year even after the wife of her boyfriend was already in USA - he claimed to be a victim of family pressure etc.. Only couple years later when confronted by his wife she learned he was from beginning in 2 relationships. I could go on whole day with examples, but point of this is - if he swears to all his loved ones graves - please know that that means NOTHING!!!!! Seen it too many times... Good luck


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## DonnvWarner (Apr 9, 2012)

I have no one to share this with


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Humble Pie said:


> That is why I say the only solution is for you to marry this man NOW. Make him stop giving you these excuses to delay, the longer you delay the more damage to your character (if you practice islam).
> You have only learned about this 4 days ago, if you marry him now there will not be an issue with your family, as you can make that excuse that you got pregnant right after marriage, its possible. Its not possible to try and create a bigger lie when he decides to marry you in the future.
> 
> This man, if a good man, will respect the situation and marry you immediately. He knows his religion! If he doesnt not marry you, I would be very cautious as he might plan on leaving you. A pregnant woman out of weddlock is not allowed in the religion, as I am sure you know this.


This is absolutely terrible advice. That is the complete wrong reason to marry a man - and then you are telling her to LIE on top of it (about her child) - while at the same time saying this is necessary for her spirituality? Come on! She has never said she is Muslim. All she has said is that HE is Muslim. She is from an ex-USSR country - she could be atheist for all we know, or Orthodox Christian, or anything else. And even if she is, she is not at fault here. 

Marrying someone to please a bad man's parents is terrible advice.

Kleio, please don't let this sort of thing get to you. You have the right to hold out for real love and to marry a person who respects you and doesn't cheat on you. And if you decide to be a single mother, you will be just fine. You will need childcare while you're at work, but you can do it.

My brother and his wife, by the way, are both doctors in the US, and they have a child - they had a live-in nanny for about 6 years, because they had no time for their child. It's not easy, but it can be done. My niece survived


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

omega said:


> This is absolutely terrible advice. That is the complete wrong reason to marry a man - and then you are telling her to LIE on top of it (about her child) - while at the same time saying this is necessary for her spirituality? Come on! She has never said she is Muslim. All she has said is that HE is Muslim. She is from an ex-USSR country - she could be atheist for all we know, or Orthodox Christian, or anything else. And even if she is, she is not at fault here.
> 
> Marrying someone to please a bad man's parents is terrible advice.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Sha said she practices islam, wouldnt that make her muslim?? Also i am speaking in terms of religion, not the american way were she can now avoid this issue with this man and walk away. I agree this is no reason to marry this man , totally!!! But she does not have much of an option now, she has to get this guy to marry her to stay face with her family, religion. I also said the lie would be less harmful if they got married now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Read the 1st paragraph, she clearly states her family has very conservative beliefs and hers beliefs are islamic!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Humble Pie said:


> Read the 1st paragraph, she clearly states her family has very conservative beliefs and hers beliefs are islamic!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did read it, but to me it sounded like her culture was her primary reason, and the Islamic 'admixture' could be external rather than her own personal religious convictions. It wasn't as clear to me as it is to you. Either way, she doesn't 'have' to do anything she doesn't want to, regardless of what a religion says.

I just hope she doesn't throw herself away on this loser just to satisfy HIS parents - and all this while living in the US for heaven's sake. 

But if she forgives him and is in love with him and satisfied with their arrangement, and they both want to stay together and get married - that's totally fine. I just don't think that's likely, given what she's said so far.


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