# Tomorrow 15 year anniversary...mixed emotions what to do?



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Tomorrow is our 15th wedding anniversary and I have some very mixed emotions and feeling a lot of anxiety. A few months ago I found out my husband was cheating and told him to leave. He regretted it, wanted to fix it and asked me to go to counseling. It is going very well, much better than I would have ever hoped. So I am very happy about that. 

I have a major aversion to holidays and celebrations...I'm not weird just good reason. On a lot of these occasions something has happened since I was a kid. A big family fight with the cops one Xmas (brother on drugs caused major altercation)...and other issues some not so dramatic. My birthday was just before I discovered the affair and I knew my husband did not want to take me out, so I suggested I take the kids and go to my parents' house who were out of town and I spend it with my kids. His answer "ok" he needed some time alone. His birthday also during all this, I wanted to take him out on a date, he invited the girlfriend! There was a group but she was one of them...

Mother's Day, he accidentally let my kitten out, it was eaten by a coyote and I found the remains the next morning. Need I go on? 

I guess with our anniversary coming up I feel much more anxious, I actually just want it to pass. I used to love holidays but really hate them now and it makes me sad. I did talk to my husband, he knows how I feel and why but he's not sure how to fix it. He feels terrible about my birthday too....now but not at that time. 

So I didn't buy a card or make plans. If he makes them, I will go but I kind of felt ball was in his court. Is that the wrong approach? I just can't help it though. 

As far as everything else, its all going well. One of the major issues was his lack of communication so when things got off track he didnt' talk about it. (Also if you ask me he went through midlife crisis) and when he lost it all he realized he had what he wanted all along. He's become really good at communicating and supporting me when I feel down (suddenly little memories will pop up and I'll get mad or sad) but he'll face these times and help me work through them. I can't really ask him to do anymore. Yeah, I still have doubts, hope those will go away one day but through his actions and words he's showing he's 110% committed. Ironically we are closer now than in a very long time and we have fun together. 

So the anniversary should be a good thing.....:scratchhead:


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sounds like you're getting your signals crossed.

Good and bad things can happen at the same time but not have anything to do with the other. 

But if you cut out all the good by withholding it, well, then you're creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Then it can _only_ be bad. You've suffocated any chance for anything good. 

so lets say you get your H a card and then something bad happens....how does that affect the good of getting him a card? The bad is going to happen one way or another. you really have no control over that. but you do have control over the good you create.

i just think it would be a shame to miss telling your H how proud you are of you two.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I agree...You have listed some great things about your H so what a better time than your anniversary to jot them in a card and give it to him...maybe along with a good marriage book or a book on adventurous things to do together in the area where you live. You've hit a turning point in your marriage and he would probably appreciate something that shows you acknowledge his efforts at this point and look forward to your future together.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> sounds like you're getting your signals crossed.
> 
> Good and bad things can happen at the same time but not have anything to do with the other.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your insight and advice. In the end I kept it real low key. I didn't buy a gift but we'd both agreed lately to save and pay off things. We did enjoy a nice dinner which was his idea and he bought me a card which I could tell he spent a lot of time picking out. One thing I told him when we reconciled is the only reason I agreed to take his call the first time was because he was my best friend and I felt so alone without being able to talk to him about a problem. The card he bought me was "To My Wife and my Best Friend". Its those little things that mean more to me than buying a big gift. He also bought me a dozen roses. 

For me, keeping it low key made it special. It took the stress off and I could just enjoy us.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> The card he bought me was "To My Wife and my Best Friend". Its those little things that mean more to me than buying a big gift. He also bought me a dozen roses.
> 
> For me, keeping it low key made it special. It took the stress off and I could just enjoy us.


Ahhh that's sweet. I know what you mean. My H would do huge, extravagant things to try and make up for what's happened. But his sincere apology, and remembering the little things, mean more to me then anything.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Swedish, thanks for your post and your advice as always!

In the end I didn't get a card...I know I should have. But I did tell him how much he meant to me and how I think our relationship is a turning point. He said "Oh you didn't have to, I'm the one that is in the doghouse for what I did". I quickly told him that no he is not in the doghouse that what happened is over and now together we are getting through it and all I need is what he is giving me, time to get over the hurt and time for him to show me I can trust him. Also support in the bad times, as old memories will spark up and I'll get upset. In fact it happened the night before our anniversary. He went with a friend to a meeting (its an aquarium club) and since the friend lives around the corner I could see when I went out jogging late after kids were in bed he was home and hanging out there without telling me he was home. Normally this is no issue for me, I'm all for him going out enjoying and spending time with friends. However, I felt left out and it brought back old memories. It wasn't that I thought he was doing anything wrong, I just was reminded of bad times. I ended up needing to leave for awhile to just sort out over reaction and emotion from reality. He was very good but asked me to come back and just talk about it and he completely understood why I felt that way. Its that kind of support that will allow me to trust him again.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Its the little things that take so much more thought!


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