# Conflicted feelings with "ex" FIL



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Hey everyone. I've been harboring resentment towards my "EX" FIL who is still close to me and my kids. Ever since his daughter or my EX bolted for Minneapolis, he has been there for my kids. He lives about 15 minutes away and he's arrives at my place every morning to see my son off to school. He's very active in my daughter's life too. He's always been that way, and even more so since their mom left.
And of course, he loves his daughter too. Yet, he's a classic "Nice guy" enabler. There were a few things in the past that he was not completely honest with me about. Things he had knowledge of, but failed to tell me (for those of you that know the story: the drunken cousin/his nephew that watched my kids over the summer). 

He's stated that in the end, he wants everyone happy. But he doesn't realize it's nearly impossible with such a depressive & selfish daughter he has.

He and I have had a few discussions about his daughter's little involvement as a mother, her lying and he defends her every time. 

I've had big debates about how it's not good that she lives so far away from my kids. That my kids would have it better growing up around both parents often instead of rarely seeing their mom. And this disagreement with the FIL has affected me to the point that our relationship has been strained. 

Today, I discovered on accident that he sent her a huge sum of money to help her buy her house last April. It was none of my business, but it upset me because at the time of the purchase, all of us down here were disappointed that my kids mom was investing in a long term residency far away. 
And my FIL mentioned how disappointed he was too, yet he failed to mention he had sent her a "gift" towards the house payment.
So now, I'm even more disgusted with him. The enabling. The lie? And contributing to their mom living far away. I still don't rule out the possibility that he pays her to pay our child support!

Yet, he's great with my kids. 

Don't worry. I don't plan to go psycho on him and take the kids away from him. I'll continue the good relationship they have with him. But it's utterly disappointing that he contributed to the continuation of their mom living far away.
But how do I handle this resentment I have towards him?


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

So he wants everyone 'to be happy' and you want a close relationship with your ex wife's father. 

He's enabling his daughter. You're snooping in on his personal life.

Not going to work out, is it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You handle it by realizing that she is his daughter and he feels that he is doing the best that he can with her under the circumstances.

And I think you stop talking to him about a lot of the things that you disagree with him about.

Imagine being him and your child does what she has done.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How did you find out that he gave her money to buy a house?


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Dadioo- I better explain how I discovered the gift because I don't want you to resort to ASSumptions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Much discussion about former in-laws on this website.

99 times out of 100, you need a boundary to protect yourself from that sort of pain.

Why torture yourself H-Dad?


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Hi Ele,
As a matter of fact we have stopped talking bout her. It's been about 3 months since our last conversation and I agree it's best it ends there. Her dad is extremely intelligent. I know all of this has been hard on him. I learned that he has been going to therapy regularly and I think much of it has to do with his daughter. 
As for how I found out, the kids and I was over his place. And we visit once sometimes twice a week. He tells me to order a pizza online in his computer and sitting there right in front of me on the desk was a copy of the gift write up. I don't think he purposely wanted me to know, I think he just forgot it was sitting there in the desk. I never said a thing anyways. Just hard on me because I feel like our trust has been damaged. I trust him with my kids. However I don't trust him when it involves his daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Where do I find that on here Conrad? Hope you're doing well,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## motherofone (Jan 10, 2013)

You read about relationship triangles. (Hint: triangles are bad! You add a third party to take away some of the stress in your relationship. You have a problem with the X. You deal with her. You try with the xfil you make a triangle. Your x should deal with your xfil. For instance: them exchanging money. Not your business.) sorry to be blunt, it is how I come across a lot when I write. 

Also know that the dysfunction in someone else's family will continue till they realize something must change. I have the same problem with my stbx/ il. They will never see through x lies. They will never see his PD. They will never get the counseling the family so desperately needs because they will keep playing the hand of the dysfunction because they are and will continue to be in denial. You cannot rescue them and you cannot force them to see something they are unwilling to see. 

Sad to say but my most recent lesson is if I am the only one getting mad, then I'm the only one getting mad. Is it worth it? Nope.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to separate out your feelings between FIL and your ex.

It sounds like he's between a rock and a hard place. His daughter has messed up quite a bit and he's trying to do the best he can. From all you have said about him he sounds like a good guy.

He is the grandfather of your children. He loves them and seems to respect and even like/love you. 


I would bet that your FIL tired to get her to move back locally. But she's proven to be hard headed.

From the stand point of your children, they have a flaky mother. They are better off with her being stable and having a home. They will be visiting her in that home. So it's better for your children.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

You really need to stop obsessing over what your ex wife is doing and get on with your own life and the business of raising those kids on your own. You are going to protest and say "But I have" but all your posts about your ex indicate that you have not. 

Your ex has made her choices, wrong or right. You can't change what is and aren't required to like it but for the sake of those kids you need to emotionally move on and concentrate on them, not her.

In the end, karma will get her. Your children will grow up without a mother and she will grow old without the love of her children. They will never forget or forgive that their mother essentially abandoned them. That will be her burden to bear and it will be a painful one. Feel good that YOU have made the right choices and are there for your children. You can only do and answer for your own choices and actions in your life. 

As for your FIL, he sounds like he wants to be a positive force in your children's lives and that's a good thing. Accept what he has to offer your children. There's no reason for you to know or approve of what he's doing with his child. That is HIS business, not yours.

You need to get off that high horse and let him be or your kids will lose a grandparent because sooner or later he's going to tire of you constantly questioning his actions with regards to his daughter and cut himself off. I know I would. 

For the sake of your kids, drop all this crap about your ex. You need to work this out in your head and get past it or you're going to hurt your kids by driving away their grandfather. Why not have the kids visit with their grandfather by themselves? Why do you have to be involved? Aren't they old enough to spend time with this their grandfather without you? Take the time with him to go off and have some fun on your own. Relax, watch a football game or go fishing and let them spend quality time together without you being there. It would be better for everyone and reduce a lot of tension and stress. 

My advice is to stop this with your FIL and get yourself centered with regards to your ex. It's been awhile now since your divorce and it is what is. Stop picking at the scab that was your failed marriage and making it bleed and bleed again. Time to let the wound heal and move on. 

If I sat and obsessed about what my ex was doing I'd go crazy nuts. Sometimes ignorance IS bliss and it's better not to know what the ex is doing. Eventually not knowing becomes not caring as you move on and rebuild your life.


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