# need help!!!



## felngfrogy (Mar 20, 2010)

Ive been married for 4 1/2 years and 3 kids with him. Within the first year my husband seemed to have checked out. I thought it was me, so for the last 4 yrs ive changed so much for the bad and the good. i use to hate myself because i couldnt be the person he loved. i had clutter, not a lot but its there. he is a neat freak, so i thought it upset him because he would constantly say things. everytime i tried to change something about me i failed. that failure is why i hated myself. th emajority of our marriage i went to bed alone. he would always stay up late to play video games or computer, watch movies. that was a smack in my face. anyhow there is so much that i now have resentment, lost all interest. There hasnt been passion for years maybe a couple times a year i might have ad feeling while having sex. I wont be on top cause i have no desire, i try to enjoy it but dont. now im wondering what happend? Did he ever love me did i ever love him? ive made excuses for every problem, ive just waited for things to get better, now they are getting worse. All ive ever wanted was for someone to love me for everything about me, come home from work and be thankful to be with us, not complain about everything i didnt do or about the kids. i have 2 kids before him and he finds negative in everything about all of us. ive been told i am beautiful 2 in 5 1/2 years. once a year after i did major changes in me for the better he got angry and started saying how much he was tired of hearing me yell at the kids all the time...i was stunned because he hadnt seen me for the whole year, because i stopped yelling at them, grew patience, became rational, didnt want to argue anymore. he didnt see any of that in me. how can you live with someone for a year and not see the changes they made. i dont know what to do. i want to stay for the kids but i dont want them to grow up in a home where there is no love. i dont want to not be happy.

The rest of it....I learned alot from my marriage about love and about energy. For the last 1 1/2 years ive been trying to be the positive in the marriage. Trying to do whats right for each person including myself. he on the other hand has done little change at all. Ive went to him with my problems throuh out the marriage and he doesnt seem to listen or he has too much stress at work and cant handle having issues at home. Ive let alot of things go so he would feel better or to not hurt his feelings and instead hurt mine. 8 months ago i ran into someone ive known since i was in 6th grade. for the first time in my life(im 30) i felt an immediate connection. when i went up to say hi and give a hug one look in his eyes and my whole life changed. i put aside the feelings for him, im married and am not that way. but everytime i was around him i felt an attraction, not sexually but emotionally i guess. i just like to be around him. now my husband is not my type physically, my sisters were surprised that i had an interest in him. weve been talking and found that we both have a mutual feelings. instead of having an affair we decided to remain friends and i would work on my marriage. niether one of us wants to be apart of the home wrecking scene. now the marriage is the problem it has been from the start. we both grew up in the same town(hes 4 yrs older), small town(100 pop). his family run the town and mine was never accepted. so when i moved back we got together and his family was 100% against it. i was never accepted till he told them he was marrying me. but i feel i was trying to prove something, that you cant judge people because there is nothing wrong with me. i didnt feel that way at first but i did months after the wedding. before he proposed we knew there was a chance of pregnancy, he just recently told me he asked me to marry when he did so he could before we found out for sure, that way i would know he wasnt doing it out of responsibility. now ive always thought that he married me because he knew of the possibility and wanted to beat it to the punch. i dont know if thats a good thing or not. he checked out years before i did. now that i bring everything to him, he just seems hurt that he could of been this way and seems like he wants to put effort in but im not sure that i want to because i want happiness i want someone who i smile when they are around. the old friend didnt cause any problems just woke me up to what was going on inside and made me finally stand up and say we either fix it or move on. as time goes by(2 weeks) ive been thinking of everything. we are so different, we have nothing in common except movies and not even the same ones but we like to watch movies. hes a couch potatoe and i like to be moving, outside, busy and he doesnt. ive turned into him and that is why there is clutter, because ive been unhappy from the start. ive been working on loving myself and being myself. he started drinking alot last summer, weekends mostly or when he doesn't have to work the next day. but he drinks so much he passes out. now about that time i caught him texting a girl he met through work(she worked in another store in the next state), at like midnight to 1 something. i checked his facebook and seen they had friendly flirting messages. nothing inappropriate, but i was hurt and didnt think it was right for him to do that. i brought it up that night and he said she was easier to talk to. instead of blowing up i took a good look at myself and tried making myself more approachabe, less argumentive, etc... only he kept being the one who you couldnt talk to. he deleted the messages in the inbox on face book and i asked him about that.. he said he was trying to avoid this conversation. i dropped it and never mentioned it again. he stopped talking to her. now right before everything came out i was at the local bar dancing and someone kissed my lips( a peck a quick kiss) nothing meaningful more like a hey im having a great time, im so excited and thought hed share it. he walked away immediately and i found him, danced with him and polietly said that the kiss was not cool and to not do it again. he acted like he hadnt a clue what i was talking about. he doesnt remember it, didnt even realize it was me who he gave the kiss to. so it was going around the small town so i told my husband and he blew up at me. acted asif i did something wrong. said horrible things to me. he wont let it go he is trying to but he feels betrayed. now ina way he was but not with that kiss. he now thinks i could of had an affair, his mother put words in my mouth when i talked to her about everything and now hes even more insescure. yes i could of had the affair but didnt. i dont understand why i was ok for him to text a girl but when someone kissed me im made out to be the bad one. so hear i am wondering what we are doing, what to do. can you really love someone and be so selfish? can you love someone and not see them for who they are? when i look at him i no longer see the man he was. i see someone i would never of married. can counseling help can you light a fire that your not sure was ever there?


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