# Secret Relationship



## jetman (Mar 18, 2008)

I had a sexual relationship with a lady that I met on the beach. This was about 5 years ago and the relationship lasted several months. She was in an unhappy relationship so I became her secret sex partner. Although I never communicated it to her I had developed some feelings for her. Over time I began to feel uncomfortable with this arrangement. It seemed unfair so I stopped answering her calls and avoided her at the beach. 

After 5 years she shows up at my door yesterday. She has since ended the unhappy relationship but guess what? :scratchhead: She is now in another bad relationship. We spent about 5 hours doing nothing but socializing. The moment she walked in my house something came over me like a trance. I am madly in love with her. She told me she would be back in a few days. So unlike the last time I plan to communicate my feelings towards her.

Questions:
Am I making a mistake? Any predictions on how she will act?


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

How long do you want to be her back up boyfriend? Here is a woman that is leading a double life because you let her, and what is to say if she dumps the guy that she is with and goes with you that she will be faithful to you seeing that she has already been unfaithful to atleast two other guys.

draconis


----------



## jetman (Mar 18, 2008)

draconis said:


> How long do you want to be her back up boyfriend? Here is a woman that is leading a double life because you let her, and what is to say if she dumps the guy that she is with and goes with you that she will be faithful to you seeing that she has already been unfaithful to atleast two other guys.
> 
> draconis





> How long do you want to be her back up boyfriend?


Other than the first time we had sex I never did want to be her back up boyfriend and that's why I ended it. I also suspected that she might do that to me if I was her official boyfriend but I have to wonder if that's an issue I had with my own insecurities at the time. I am just wondering that had I been more assertive and voiced my concerns she may have broken it off with him. I think she thought I only cared about the sex at the time.

Your post pretty much defines how I felt at the time. The thing is, as I age, I am beginning to second guess how I have managed past failed relationships. Maybe I should be more willing to take risk rather than focus on what might go wrong.


----------



## mollyL (Dec 31, 2007)

I think it's fair to classify you as her backup boyfriend. I'm also wondering if part of your attraction to her is that she is unavailable, perhaps unattainable, as long as she is in another relationship. Perhaps that is part of the attraction she feels for you as well. It's something you two might want to explore before committing any further.


----------



## Immortalone (Mar 5, 2008)

I think it is more fare to say take it slow. Let her know how you feel but also that you only want to be friends at this time. If this is the person you can see spending your life with then what is 12 months of building a friendship, getting to know each other, finding out if she feels the same way towards you over time going to cost you?


----------



## jetman (Mar 18, 2008)

mollyL said:


> I think it's fair to classify you as her backup boyfriend. I'm also wondering if part of your attraction to her is that she is unavailable, perhaps unattainable, as long as she is in another relationship. Perhaps that is part of the attraction she feels for you as well. It's something you two might want to explore before committing any further.


You bring up an important point. I doubt she has had a boyfriend the entire time. Why didn't she come by after she broke up with her first boyfriend? Maybe it is the unattainable attraction but maybe when the chips are down she feels I show empathy towards her. She has on several occasions told me “Thanks for being there when I needed a friend" Maybe the word friend is her way of saying Don't get too attached. :scratchhead:


----------



## jetman (Mar 18, 2008)

Immortalone said:


> I think it is more fare to say take it slow. Let her know how you feel but also that you only want to be friends at this time. If this is the person you can see spending your life with then what is 12 months of building a friendship, getting to know each other, finding out if she feels the same way towards you over time going to cost you?


I have a feeling she thinks we are going to have sex the next time we see each other. I base that assumption on something she said before she left. I plan to tell how I feel about her. Then I am going to ask her "From my prospective is thiis relationship fair?" I honestly believe that she thinks I kind of see her as a sex object. In the past that was partially but not entirely true. It just that now my feelings are different. When I answered the door the other day it hit me like a lighting bolt.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Part of what my concern is if you "date" her if you feel you could trust her knowing her background of being unfaithful. What happens if you sleep with her this next time and a jealous boyfriend comes looking for you?

In the end things are not fair for you.

draconis


----------

