# my husbands porn addiction



## babyhailee1113

I need help please. My husband has been looking at porn now for 3 months that i kno of. I asked him about it a month ago. He agreed that he did not need it and will not look at it ever again. Now yesterday he went on youtube and looked at naked women, wwe diva wrestlers(naked), girls stripping. I dunno what else to do I can't take it. Doesn't he love me? It escalated today, I went to work five minutes after leaving I guess he went to myspace and looked for actual real women one of them lives in the same city as I am in. I just recently had a baby girl she's 3 months old. I've been suffering from post pardum depression but I'm thinking I don't have it I think it's him basically that's making me depressed. We havn't been intimate in over a week and not by my choice. I first discovered it I decided to help him out and dress up. I thought it worked but I guess it didn't. Over a week ago I dressed up and we were intimate a lot for 3 days then nothing. He works 40 hrs. a week third shift and I'm wondering if he's just tired or if he's cheating. I need help and someone to talk to I have nobody, I can't talk to my family they'll just say I told you so, they never liked him for some reason. I wonder if he's cheating. I don' really think so but sometimes he gets angry with me from just walking past him cuz im in front of the t.v. but I do have to clean up the house.


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## TheOptimist

First off, please don't hit the panic button. Stay calm.

Second, you are NORMAL, and your husband is NORMAL.

Again... relax, don't panic, and understand your situation with the new baby is normal and happens all over the world to couples with new babies, and understand the "porn situation" with your husband is normal, very common...men are "wired" for sex so much so that it's like food & water... 

The appetite for sex increases dramatically about every 72 hours... (about 3 days after having sex, the appetite is very high again)... so every set of breasts and every temptation to "mouse click" a quick peek at sex is more of a temptation three days after having had sex. The DAY he has an orgasm, his appetite is gone... the next day it's not much of an issue... look at a short skirt maybe or maybe not worth a second glance, the THIRD day in a row with no orgasm, well, he's pretty hungry for sexual attention... and, again, like food and water... every offer of T&A is quite a temptation to at least look at.

However, actually having an affair, is much, much less likely. And much more complicatd, disease risk, "cheating" feeling, it's just not worth it, and too difficult, and much more serious. Relax for now.

It has NOTHING to do with you, or the other woman's short skirt, or the internet's "constant-and-very-easy-to-see-porn".

It's a physical, "hunger" as if he hasn't eaten food for 3 days. "Everybody's" apple pie is a temptation... However, right after a big meal, "Nobody's" apple pie interests him.

There is a book titled "Every Man's Battle" that talks about every man being constantly tempted by sex. Even bra & pantie advertisements... well, the men are tempted because it's been 72 hours plus, and men are wired to "see" and hunger sexual things... 

When you are talking about a normal, healhy, man... it's only the "emptied out" man, or recently orgasmed man that does NOT notice the bra & panty ads... who does NOT feel a little tempted by the internet instant "click to porn"... who does NOT feel a little "tug" to pull into the strip bar. However, in 72 hours those things are "tempting" again, and will catch his eye.

There is a bell curve... so I feel like I'm talking about 60% of all men, but certainly not ALL men.


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## draconis

TheOptimist is right on many levels. Men are wired different but it doesn't mean that they can't repress urges to veiw sex. However it is everywhere now a days but at least the hard core stuff can be filtered.

I would suggest that if you are feeling depressed and or are suffering from PPD then you talk to your doctor about it as soon as you can.

Further I would talk to your husband and really communicate to him how it makes you feel. Make sure to do it without distractions and that he listens to you.

People who work third shift often get less sleep and more often then not after a few years start to suffer from insomnia. 

I wish you the best of luck and keep us informed.

draconis


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## sarahdale24

I agree with the others except for one thing. 

He should RESPECT you when you say you are not ok with him looking at porn! To me that would be a deal breaker with me. I would try and spice things up, if he doesnt take a hint, then out I would be. My husband has no problem not looking at porn, I'm on the computer more than him and I don't have a nack for looking at that garbage. In my opinion, why does one need porn when you have the hot stuff living with you all the time? Getting bored with it is nothing to me, because then why get married?


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## Unhappy in LA

I think women get way to hung up over porn. If you really want to keep your husbands mind off the porn then make yourself available, work out, whatever it takes. Men look at porn because they are horny. Period. 

Porn can help for some people who spend time apart.. so why not snap a few pics or bust out your webcam and surprise your man with a little homegrown?


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## Amplexor

Sorry, I just can’t let this last post go by. Porn does hurt marriages and relationships. It ruins the young lives that are chewed up and spit out when they have outlived their usefulness in the business. It sets unobtainable standards for young minds trying to find out about sex. It cheapens the act like a side show at a road side carnival. That dirty little smut shop that used to be across the tracks is now virtually in every home in America. It has taken a beautiful gift of love and sharing that was given to us by our creator and turned it into a cheap thrill packaged and marketed for anyone with a credit card. Not only that but some of the stuff out there is just plain sick. Don’t tell me it is an innocent release because it is not. Imagine your wife’s feelings after she finds out you’ve been using it. How does she feel the next time you have sex with her? Don’t you think she might wonder if you’ve brought it to your own bed? Who or what act you might be thinking of? How does that affect her self esteem? Her sense of feeling loved while making love. Yes it is a temptation that most men need to deal with but that doesn’t mean it is the right thing to do. I’ve been there myself and am ashamed I ever did. The right things to do are usually the hard things. Temptation is here for a reason. Porn can destroy a marriage. Make partners feel unloved, unwanted and undesired. If men want to hide behind it because they aren’t “getting enough” then they need to grow up and look the problems of why their wives aren’t filling that need. Understand her, love her, complement her, show her you care, that you are there for her, that you respect her and most of all that you desire her. Do those things and sex will become more frequent and special at the same time. There, I’ve had my rant. I feel better.


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## draconis

Almost a fifth of all porn addicts are female, so it isn't just a male thing. Additionally 60% of all women admit to struggling with lust.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/346-porn-thesis.html

draconis


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## sarahdale24

I think porn is stupid...sorry that's my honest opinion. However I also think that those who "star" in Porn have no self respect. Its sad that they make ALOT of money doing something so degrating to themselves. Talk about low self-esteem


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## draconis

sarahdale24 said:


> I think porn is stupid...sorry that's my honest opinion. However I also think that those who "star" in Porn have no self respect. Its sad that they make ALOT of money doing something so degrating to themselves. Talk about low self-esteem


'
Lucky we are to live in a free enough time when you can do or live as you want. Different people see porn in different ways. I think it is important for people to express to their partners their feelings before one or the other feels like something has been taken away, trust has been broken, or some ends up hurt.

It is irony that we are living in the age of porn. A few years (50) ago women had little say in a marriage. 100 years ago cheating was at a higher rate then today. 200 years ago many places had cat houses.

Now to me I have a simple rule of thumb if I can't willingly do something in front of my wife then it simply has to be wrong therefore I do not do it. But beyond that communication is the most important thing you can have in any relationship at any stage, and you can start building it at any time.

draconis


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## juls

Low Self Esteem lies within the person casting judgements on others. 

Yes porn "can" be a marriage destroyer if there is an addcited spouse. BUT porn can also be a good thing between two open and honest people married. 

I get so sick of hearing how bad porn is. If the porn is not "replacing" (addcition) your intimacy(sex life) then the only other problem is that the offended person has is, they themselves have their own issues..and to project those issue's on to your spouse becuase "prettier girls" scare you is wrong..

I hate porn, I think it is fake and badly filmed. But that is the only reason..I spend more time during a porno picking out who has real ones or fake ones etc etc. Hubby enjoys it..But it has never "replaced" our sex life..

I will repeat..I feel this way about porn when it is NOT replacing your intimacy with your spouse, if it is thats a whole nother ball game..


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## happilymarried67

I don't know, I agree with alot of stuff that was posted. Especially if it offends you then your husband should respect you and not do it. 

Night shift has awful affects on your body, we are just not meant to be nocturnal. I am sure that doesn't help hormonal levels for him. 

I like porn stories that I read, I never really get bothered by it. I understand what amp said, but I could of got mixed up in that seedy life too when I was young. I chose not to. I think it is all about being honest and respectful of each other. My hubby doesn't care if I look at porn or read it. I don't care if he looks at it either. He knows that it just makes me lust after him more and visa versa. I do have a problem with talking or IMing real people who are half naked on myspace that is crossing the line IMO because that could lead to trouble esp. in your own town. That is what worries me. 

He also has his own issues just like you dealing with a new born in the home. Talk and communicate with each other, ask him why this is important to him now that the baby is born. Tell him why it affect you and probably increases your insecurities and depression. It's a start. 

Oh yeah, and sometimes a guy may have difficulty being intimate with a new mom because he knows you just had a baby and where it came from. He could be a little scared of hurting you or of getting you pregnant again. Just and FYI

Best of Luck~


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## GAsoccerman

Ok for the original poster, Luckily for you I can help you out, I have worked the "third Shift" for 5 years (currently on it again for 3 months, rotating)

The third Shift Really takes a Toll on your body physically and mentally, the posts are right above on that, I am Always tired, my diet is horrible, my stomach always hurts, my head is always foggy, and since I was ont he nights for 5 years, then went back to days, as Drac says, Insomnia is common, I wake up all the time 3 or 4 times a night, only time I sleep through the night is if I get trashed drinking and pass out, which frankly I can't do becuase I hate hang overs. 

Now, I do look at porn and all that stuff, instead of my wife "rejecting it" she accepted it and even got me a subscription to playboy mag for christmas.

But as one poster said, I prefer my wife. Porn can be boring, it is all acting anyway, but it's good for masturbation, especially when your exhausted from the night shift.

But I can assure you your hubby prefers you. The night shift also affects your sexual behavior, I became more risky wanted different things, my wife rolled witht his.

We bought some outfits, "school girl" "french maid" "naughty Nurse" etc. And we took some digital photo's and some Home video's. I prefer looking at her pics and video's then the professionals.

Would you let your hubby do that? would you do some Role Playing with him?

Comming home from the night shift to find my wife in the kitchen in a French maid outfit.....COMPLETELY HOT! 

I assure you your hubby loves you, he may distance himself because your in "mom mode"....sometimes he wants the naughty vixen.

There is a saying out there, "men want their women to be nice ladies outside of the house, but naughty women inside of the house" 

you get the drift....Be sensual with him, be flirty, be naughty with him.

and if your worried aboutt eh whole baby weight thingy....don't we really don't care, he married YOU because he finds YOU sexy, and wants YOU to be the naughty girl in his life.......So be it, take control, live a wild fantasy.

A good website for sexy costumes is three wishes or Buy costumes, we get ours from three wishes.

Also for the "anti-porn" people.... look up asia carrea, she played Piano at Carnige Hall in NYC at the age of 15, then attending Rutgers Univrsity on a full scholarship (before graduating HS) majoring in Japanese and Business, a member of Mensa with a IQ of 155. After graduating she decided to become a Porn star because she enjoyed it....

If you don't like porn that is fine then don't like it, but don't tell other people they are sick or whatever because they do like it, it is a multi billion dollar industry for a reason, and more and more women like it.

I do watch is sometimes, but hardly an addict, I rather watch video's of my wife.


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## football80

Pornongraphy to me is not very healthy. It gives people the idea that sex is nothing. That if a couple is going to last, they need to constantly spice it up in the bedroom. That women should look a certain way, do certain things, scream certain ways. That a man's certain body part should be extra huge for a woman to have pleasure. What happens if a wife gets breast cancer and must have her breast removed? Or if a husband has an accident and he can't preform like he used to? Sex is sacred; it's not meant to be recorded and used for entertainment. Pornography is not okay. Many men want to say that it's okay, because men are just more horny. That is not a good excuse. We are human beings not animals with no self control. Babyhailee you have a right to be upset. Tell him what sex means to you and that you feel disrepected. Love is respect and if he really loves you he has to stop, but you have to understand that at this point he probably doesn't think that it's wrong. You have to get him to understand why it's wrong. Cuz if he doesn't see it wrong he'll continue to do it.


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## GAsoccerman

Football, we are going to agree to disagree.

I was never a Huge Porn fan, it's ok, I mean, yea the guys are all huge, they "last forever" the women do every trick int he book no problem.....But that is what they are paid to do, and that is how the film is spliced......the problem lies when people think porn is like "real life" it's not, it's porn. Just like Star wars is star wars, it's a movie, not realistic.

I was just saying to my wife today, I said, it must be hard having a husband that after 18 years still desires your body and wants you all the time.....She is like yep it is...with a laugh.

I am a man I am a sexual creature by nature. My wife is not, but she understands that I am.

So if she is not in the mood to have sex with me and I am horny what should I do??? Say Oh well I love my wife and since she said no, I should just go to bed and go to sleep?? feeling the urge in me, that testorne (sp?) building. getting hornier by the second....but she says no?? This is where Porn comes in handy...a few minutes...the urge is no gone, I am relieved and my wife is happily a sleep....not being bothered.

She knows I want sex 3-4 times a day from her, but obviously she doesn't. she wants it 3-4 times a week...big difference.

So I see porn as a tool, so does my wife.....it's just a movie with naked people having sex. No different then a steamy R rated movie that hides it.


Plus no man wants to hear his wife say, "wow those guys are HUGE!" it really builds up our self confidence!  porn can be cruel as well to men. LOL

But I think baby has little to worry about, I am sure she rather her man be stroking to porn as oppossed to somewhere else....or should I say someone else.

There is worse things then porn out there.

and I been with my wife 18 years and never once "drifted" from her....She will take the porn watching over the alternative any day.

Plus the whole...Sex is love...yes that is true....but is also an urge and hormones can be cruel. When Love says, "no" what are we to do?


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## martino

Hi,

I would like to add that there is some very good porn and very bad. There are movies with real plots and done real tasteful. There are others where women are completely treated as objects, (I will not watch these) and others are just straight sex.

The same could be said with music and lyrics, there is some that is enriching (Dylan, Paul Simon for example) and some that is total pollution (Hard Rap and Death Metal) 

Both can influence people in a positive or negative way. 

E


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## Motherof3inNC

Pornography is sin! 
The Bible is not vague on the issue of pornography. The Word of God clearly condemns ALL forms of adultery. Pornography (whether it be hard porn or soft porn) leads men into adultery.

There is no greater evil in America than that of pornography! Pornography is a road to hell. 

Pornography turns people away from God and His Holy Word. Most people automatically associate the word "pornography" with total nudity; however, the evil influences of "soft porn" (partial nudity) are equally damaging. Whereas women are aroused by TOUCH, men are aroused by SIGHT. Of course, this is no secret. I won't spend a lot of time in this article trying to explain all the things wrong about pornography because it is self-evident.


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## swedish

The Bible may not be vague, but the human interpretation of the Bible is diverse at best. I studied the Bible in Greek as a child (it's original language) and what I learned is that there are many passages that did not translate easily in English.

I think it is your own belief/interpretation that Pornography leads men into adultery. It might for some men lead them away from adultery if they satisfy their sexual urges this way rather than with another woman if they have these urges more frequently than their spouse.

What I have personal trouble with is that I would think that many of the people working in this industry are there because they needed to support themselves at a young age and were lured in out of desperation. I know there are some self-professed 'stars' that love their job but it's the others that I find disturbing. I think for many of them it leads to substance abuse/addiction just to get them through it. I'm sure those viewing it would like to think they are only watching the ones who want to be there, but I just can't believe that's the case for many.


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## GAsoccerman

Motherof3inNC,

I completely disagree with your post. Swedish makes a far better argument and I can agree with her point and the self esteem of the young women.

But no one is going to hell.


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## berkshiregal

I feel for you and all that you are going through. Habitually viewing porn is only a symptom of a larger problem - sexual addiction. And with that comes lying, decieving, emotional and physical absence and continually flipping the blame onto the spouse. When I married my husband, there was something that I felt in the gut of my stomach that wasn't quite right. But at 19 years old, I was no seasoned veteran. I didn't know what it was until 22 years later. My husband was and still is non-present emotionally. His head is always on a swivel. I wish I had the guts to leave him. 
If your husband won't go to couseling and admit that he has a problem, then you have some decisions to make, for it will not get any better.
Good luck.


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## Ashley

This article do not come with many answers, but it does give some explainations..

Internet Porn or Sex with You? -- Sex Advice at iVillage

and also the fact that porn addiction is becoming a very rampant and growing problem for many couples.

Thats very sad


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## voivod

GAsoccerman said:


> no one is going to hell.


even david hasselhoff???
that's the best news i've heard today!!!:smthumbup:


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## Blanca

voivod said:


> even david hasselhoff???
> that's the best news i've heard today!!!:smthumbup:


why is david hasselhoff going to hell?


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## draconis

I think each person needs the choice of their own path. 

This passage might be what she is talking about
1 Corinthians 6 KJV
9Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, 

It is also said in the bible

John 8 (King James Version)

3And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, 

4They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. 

5Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou? 

6This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not. 

7So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. 

8And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground. 

9And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. 

10When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee? 

11She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more. 

12Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. 

13The Pharisees therefore said unto him, Thou bearest record of thyself; thy record is not true. 

14Jesus answered and said unto them, Though I bear record of myself, yet my record is true: for I know whence I came, and whither I go; but ye cannot tell whence I come, and whither I go. 

15Ye judge after the flesh; I judge no man. 

So I ask you, are you without sin to judge others?

draconis


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## Ashley

For those having a problem with their husbands porn addiction, simply put a password on that computer, so that he cant use it, or remove the wire for the internet connection, or remove the ADSL box, or simply go into internet configuration, security, and there is a place there where you can list up all the websites you dont want your computer to can access or to go to.
Here you can insert the links of all the porno sites your husband visit.
he certainly got them listed in his "favorites" or "preferences" so thats just to copy and paste it in, and block.
All those in the block list will be sites he will be unable to access. 
Then you deleete the entire list of his favorites that have with porn to do.
Just delete the main map and it will do.
Then you go in the panel showing an oversight of the past 4 weeks or months, and delete all headers there so that there is no trace on your computer of where he had been. Then you restart your computer, and check, there should be nothing left for him to come after.
If he found new porn sites , do the same each time, so that soon he cant go visit any of them. You can also have a features, free, that block access automaticaly to those. Its ment for kids to protect them for being redirected or going into porno sites and the alike.
All microsoft computers got it, so just use this kids protection feature.
You can aslo thereafter put up the firewall protection an dthe antivirus and the security of the internet.
You go on internet, clci on funtions, then on configuration, and security, and put it on max, and also do it on the manual one. It will unable him totlay to can go on those sites. As they ahve cookies and put spions on your computer.
You will also have to delete all mails and spam coming form those places.

I dont understand that so many women struggle with their husbands prono addiction, for such a long time, and that nobody thought about this.
If it was your child, what would you do?
Thats how you must think.
I am also surprised that nobody giving advices thought about those solutions,.
They are direct, very effective, and solve the problem immediatly.
I dont think that bibles extracts will be convincing on a guy watching porn and masturbating in front of the screen.
I dont think he will care at all.

Cut the wire is also a possibility or throw the computer or take it in the basement and hide the wires somewhere else, where he will never found them in a 100 years.
Do it while he is out or you send him out to fetch something to shop, or while he is taking a shower.
No computer, no more problems.
If he dont like it you can say "thats me or the computer/ me or the internet".

There is no reason to accept living like that with someone.
it isnt acceptable for anyone.
if it was the woman addicted to porn, doing nothing in the house, and when the man comes home from work he has to do the shopping and make food and do the cleaning and spend his weekends doing the laudry, while she watch porno and have fun with other guys, and refuse to have sex with her husband, what will those guysdo huuh!? i am pretty sure that they will come with direct solutions, li´ke throwing the computer out the window and that they wont come with bible quotes, but phoning the internet company and having the connection cut off. 

To radical problems, comes radical solutions.


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## voivod

ljtseng said:


> why is david hasselhoff going to hell?


umm. the drunken "hamburger" video he made with his daughter present....knight rider...his singing...


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## Guest




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## Honey

A man that really loves his wife or gf would not watch porn. It has nothing to do with being scared. Scared of what? That the bimbo will jump through the internet and take her man? Oh, please give me a break, darlin. :rofl: It has nothing to do with being insecure, hun. It has to do with what is right and wrong, and respecting the person you are with. It isn't nagging, hun, only if you take it that way. It is letting the other one know that you don't like it, and it is hurting you and the relationship.


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## Ashley

Honey said:


> A man that really loves his wife or gf would not watch porn. It has nothing to do with being scared. Scared of what? That the bimbo will jump through the internet and take her man? Oh, please give me a break, darlin. :rofl: It has nothing to do with being insecure, hun. It has to do with what is right and wrong, and respecting the person you are with. It isn't nagging, hun, only if you take it that way. It is letting the other one know that you don't like it, and it is hurting you and the relationship.



:iagree:

You are perfectly rigth love.
And that girl didnt read the testimony of so many. The guy has no sex life at all. He dont make love with her for years! He only masturbate watching porn and he dont want real sex.
So you obvioulsy have no idea of what the problem is "yournext ex"- And not only this but he spend the time he should be with his wife and kid, watching porn, and do nothing in the home, dont talk to his wife or anything. And you still mean it shouldn't be nagging? I think you should real some about what this is about. The problem is real and its not about some women not liking a hubby reading a porn magasin cause they are too prude young lady.. its about married men who are 100% of their time in front of the screen watching porn and doing nothing else and even loosing their job for it, and at term, their own family.
We are talking about a real addiction here.
As well as a total disrespect of the other one. And his own kids.
When you get married, you know why and what you give an odd to, and its not to watch porn all day long while your wife is the maid and you dont even talk to her.


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## voivod

regardless of whether the wife has a problem with the husband watching porn or not, it is a marital problem all by itself. internet porn affects too many people. if he's using it as a sex-substitute, that is a marriage problem. and it IS disrespectful. i'm amazed at the amount of women who DON'T pu there foot down against this.

i worked with a guy who would call in sick to work so he could stay home and watch porn. i liked him, but honestly, the guy was a loser and his wife saw through his crap and divorced him about two years ago. given the choice: a warm available body or an image on a computer screen...ummmm....

sorry we're such degenerates ladies...


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## draconis

voivod said:


> sorry we're such degenerates ladies...


WHo is we pale face?

draconis


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## Blanca

Ashley said:


> For those having a problem with their husbands porn addiction, simply put a password on that computer, so that he cant use it, or remove the wire for the internet connection, or remove the ADSL box, or simply go into internet configuration, security, and there is a place there where you can list up all the websites you dont want your computer to can access or to go to....
> 
> Then...
> Then...
> Then...
> If he found new porn sites , do the same each time, so that soon he cant go visit any of them.
> You can also...
> You can aslo...
> You go on...
> You will also have to...


Trust me you are not the first person to conjure up such a scheme. Ive been down that road. it doesnt work. The problem with this approach is one, this list could go on forever. Two, its very controlling. Lastly, the other person will become very resentful. Overall this approach will only compound the problems.

Trying to control the one that is addicted is not the solution. Being overly emotionally reactive is not the solution either, which i've learned. Its best to sit down and calmly let the addictive person know how the behavior is affecting you, but also being aware that the affect is not their fault, but letting them know what your boundaries are so both can come to a compromise, if that is possible. 

For some the solution will be very simple, for others it doesnt just happen in one or twenty conversations. but the important thing in this struggle is to respect each others boundaries and not try to control the other even when one feels the others behavior is hurting them.


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## Aeval

Personally, I have no issues with porn. Men are visual beings where women are more emotional. Unless porn is against someone's religious beliefs, the odds are that men look at it. I have no issues with watching porn with my hubby. But I will admit I need a bit of a story line or it gets really boring really quick for me. The only time I see porn as a problem is when porn and masturbation are replacing sex in a relationship, and when there is interaction (ie. web cams where you can communicate etc.).

I really think the reason why most women have such issues with porn is low self-esteem and insecurities. The line that always makes me laugh is that "porn is degrading to women". Heck, these women are willing to bare it all and it is their choice and they are generously compensated for it.

If you do not like porn, do not watch it. And if you are offended by your SO watching it, perhaps that is something that you should discuss long before you get serious.


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## voivod

draconis said:


> WHo is we pale face?
> 
> draconis


ummmm...i was apologizing for the gender...present company not included!!!! sorry d!


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## draconis

ljtseng said:


> Trust me you are not the first person to conjure up such a scheme. Ive been down that road. it doesnt work. The problem with this approach is one, this list could go on forever. Two, its very controlling. Lastly, the other person will become very resentful. Overall this approach will only compound the problems.
> 
> Trying to control the one that is addicted is not the solution. Being overly emotionally reactive is not the solution either, which i've learned. Its best to sit down and calmly let the addictive person know how the behavior is affecting you, but also being aware that the affect is not their fault, but letting them know what your boundaries are so both can come to a compromise, if that is possible.
> 
> For some the solution will be very simple, for others it doesnt just happen in one or twenty conversations. but the important thing in this struggle is to respect each others boundaries and not try to control the other even when one feels the others behavior is hurting them.


Have you ever thought of nanny net or something simular?

draconis


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## MarkTwain

*draconis*-

In as much as the original poster has not returned to this thread, I suppose this is as good a place as any to ask you something that has been bugging me...

You seem to be a big proponent of installing spy software on a computer where hubby is cheating or watching porn. I just wondered if you could explain how that can be morally OK, especially since I am assuming the spy-ware is to be put on without the other's knowledge.

Your other arguments have won me round in the past... so I'm all ears


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## Blanca

draconis said:


> Have you ever thought of nanny net or something simular?
> 
> draconis


Oh ya of course. I thought about chucking the entire computer, too . But I never brought it up b/c i wanted to know he wanted it. His new counselor suggested it and he actually came to me and asked me to put it on for him. I was a little reluctant to set the password, just makes me feel weird for whatever reason, but i did at his request. 

He also bought a new ipod touch and researched different nanny net protection for it. never even occured to me he could get porn on that thing, but he made my day by doing that.


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## voivod

ljtseng said:


> Oh ya of course. I thought about chucking the entire computer, too . But I never brought it up b/c i wanted to know he wanted it. His new counselor suggested it and he actually came to me and asked me to put it on for him. I was a little reluctant to set the password, just makes me feel weird for whatever reason, but i did at his request.
> 
> He also bought a new ipod touch and researched different nanny net protection for it. never even occured to me he could get porn on that thing, but he made my day by doing that.


on an ipod??? wow! a guy's really gotta want it....


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## draconis

MarkTwain said:


> *draconis*-
> 
> In as much as the original poster has not returned to this thread, I suppose this is as good a place as any to ask you something that has been bugging me...
> 
> You seem to be a big proponent of installing spy software on a computer where hubby is cheating or watching porn. I just wondered if you could explain how that can be morally OK, especially since I am assuming the spy-ware is to be put on without the other's knowledge.
> 
> Your other arguments have won me round in the past... so I'm all ears


When ever in a free society you break the law and commit a crime you lose personal freedoms (ie jail, censored mail etc.) Because the person is so likely to fall back and do it again, and they are in many cases promising to be better, but the burden of proof is on them, to lead an open, honest life.

Often one is proven out this way, if they are indeed trustworthy. But again, it is a protection. How often has one found that after they forgave their spouse they turned around and did the same thing? It is not the offending spouse that is hurt by the lapse. Further if caught early over again, it can be forgiven easier because the issue "is still being wrked out" instead of feeling the issue was/is resolved.

draconis


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## MarkTwain

draconis-

OK, I understand you so far, but what about the clandestine element? Especially if the "crime" is not actually illegal. Supposing hubby is doing quite well weaning himself off porn, and then discovers that his wife distrusts him so much, she is spying on him. Could that not set things back? It seem like we would then have 2 people who don't trust each other.


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## Amplexor

MarkTwain said:


> draconis-
> 
> OK, I understand you so far, but what about the clandestine element? Especially if the "crime" is not actually illegal.


MT

While I agree there is no crime from the stand point of the pornography being illegal there is a crime against a spouse in betrayal by partaking in something that hurts her/him and the marriage. A spouse has the right to do what they need to do to rebuild trust in a marriage. Especially if the promises have been broken before. In general I feel that when a spouse reacts with indignantly when they discover the other is snooping it is likely that one, they are still engaged in the activity and are trying to turn it around on their mate. Or two that they don’t fully understand their activity is hurtful to the other and they have not empathy. When a couple tries to regain trust validation is often required though it be undesirable in a marriage. But once the trust is restored and the offended spouse says and commits to trusting the other the snooping must stop. In the case of Drac’s suggestion in this thread, Net Nanny does not only track browsing but blocks objectionable material. We use Cyber Sitter at home but we don’t track where our kids go. We just don’t give them the password to get past the blocking feature. No different then the spouse of an alcoholic padlocking the liquor cabinet. No sense tempting fate.


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## Blanca

draconis said:


> When ever in a free society you break the law and commit a crime you lose personal freedoms (ie jail, censored mail etc.)


I never thought of it that way, but that makes a lot of sense.


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## MarkTwain

ljtseng said:


> Oh ya of course. I thought about chucking the entire computer, too . But I never brought it up b/c i wanted to know he wanted it. His new counselor suggested it and he actually came to me and asked me to put it on for him. I was a little reluctant to set the password, just makes me feel weird for whatever reason, but i did at his request.


That's totally different, he asked you to help him control himself. Self control is the only sort worth a dime.


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## MarkTwain

There is another side to all this:

There are two kinds of porn watchers:

A)The guy who watches and jerks himself silly, and has no appetite left over for his wife.

B)One who watches moderately and does not jerk off - he still loves and desires his wife, the only real problem being that she disapproves. As I have said before, it's the ejaculation that causes the problem - it drains away the man's desire.

With a type A person, the wife has every reason to take drastic action. With a type B, the problem is at least 50/50. The woman can't bare what he does, and he maybe shouldn't be doing it anyway. But here's the nuance of the situation... If a woman in this situation starts spying on her hubby, she is doing something that's akin to cheating - going behind his back. In my opinion it's not the basis for a mature relationship.


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## Blanca

MarkTwain said:


> With a type B, the problem is at least 50/50.


I think it depends on what the understanding was between the two going in to the relationship as to whether or not they're breaking any 'laws' of their marriage.


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