# New Here and need to know if I should leave.



## Nikki51 (Nov 15, 2008)

A little background: I have been married to my husband going on 7 years now. We have been together 11 years. We have been together since my husband was 17 and I was 19. We got married when he was 21 and I was 23 after 4 years of dating. We had our first child just a year ago. 

Our problems started about 4 years ago when my husband was in the Army. We had been married for 3 years. I was about 100 lbs overweight and my husband was giving me alot of crap about being fat and verbally abusing me, making me feel unattractive and unloved. I got drunk at a get together one night and made out with a really good friend of his and my husband found out about it. (My husband slept with one of my friends when we were dating. Not that I did this to get back at him-but just a little more background.) I feel our real marital problems started then. Shortly after that, he was deployed to Iraq for 14 months. He saw alot of horrible things there, obviously. Since then he has been very cold, inconsiderate and just not the same man I married. 

Over the years we have built up alot of anger and resentment towards one another. He resents me for being obese, for having problems with depression, and for cheating on him. I resent him for being so mean and cold, for expecting too much from me, for constantly critizing me. 

There is so much anger there between us that at times, though I hate to admit it, there has been physical violence on both parts. Usually started by me. I get angry and frustrated because my husband does not like to talk about things and work them out, so I feel so frustrated that I have lashed out on him physically. He is very stubborn and always thinks he is right, and is never willing to look at the other person's side, and take my feelings into consideration. 

I big problem I also have with him is that he does not help out enough. I work full time and we have a 14 month old. He is with her 4 hours a day while I'm at work. (He does not work, he is a student.) As soon as I get home from work I'm on my own with the baby. And on top of that I take care of EVERYTHING else. I take care of the housework, laundry, grocery shopping, bills....everything else is my responsibility. He helps clean once or twice a week and he makes dinner sometimes. But all the real cleaning, like vaccuming and cleaning toilets and all that fun stuff is up to me. He just "straightens up". And he refuses to fo laundry. He will not do it. All this is a MAJOR cause of my resentment towards him. I have tried delegating to him and making a list of things for him to do, but he doesnt so it. Or it takes a couple of weeks of nagging to get him to. And when I try to go out and have time for myself he lays guilt trips on me. He doesnt like to be alone with the baby.

We cannot communicate. We do try to sit down sometimes and talk about things, but only when he wants to. I have tried talking with him when I have something I want to say, but he refuses and says later. But, then we never talk about it and it gets swept under the rug and never dealt with. And when we do talk its him critisizing me and him getting on his soapbox telling me how wrong I am and how right he is. And if I try to point out his flaws he has an excuse for everything. He never really takes anything in that I say. He says my feelings are not valid because I have emotional problems, and what Im feeling is not real. Because I have been told I have depression. 

Its an endless cycle of us getting along for a little while, then fighting and trying to work it out, but it never gets worked out. We have been to marriage counseling and I stopped going because he wasnt being honest with our therapist. 

I just dont know if I should give up at this point. Im not happy and I dont want my child growing up in a family like this. 

I need help! Thanks.


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

Well, I've been married 16 years, and STILL trying to decide whether or not to leave. I wish I had left when my children were young. Kids do learn from their parents' marriage on how to treat their spouse when they marry. Our marriage has been horrible for years. I wish we could go back and fix things before there was no hope at all.

I've been having a long distance emotional affair, he lives very far from me. When we started talking, it was just friends. It quickly developed into feelings. I think I was lacking so much in the marriage that I really just wanted to feel again.

If you have love left for him, maybe you could try some online resources. Do you think he wants things to be better and wants to work on strengthening the marriage? Does he know you're unhappy?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

"If you have love left for him"

I would be interested to know what is meant by this. You don't just run out of love. You become inwardly focused on your own needs which makes you build resentment and anger. In effect, your selfishness focuses on the lack of having your perceived needs met which makes you become angry and blame the other person. Subconciously, you make a decision to withold love. Love is a verb. The emotion is always 10 steps behind the action.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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