# Why do husbands look at porn? Is it ok?



## roni4tahn (Oct 25, 2013)

Hi i am new to this site. This issue has been eating away at me for a long time and i feel i need some perspective. My husband and I have been together for 15 yrs. We have a pretty good relationship most of the time. But I know that he looks at porn regularly and it upsets me alot! It makes me feel bad about myself, like he would rather be looking at other women and so then i feel less loving towards him... i know its not cheating but i just don't understand why he has to look at it. To make it even more upsetting is that he always deletes his browsing history on his i pad... this makes me even more suspicious. Its eating me up inside. I just don't understand it! Is it normal for all men to do this? Why do they do it?? Help me to understand please?!


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Have you asked him why he looks at it?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Why? Evolutionary impetus, and it's a turn on. Normal, unless it takes precedence over sex with a real woman.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I do not know. I am still trying to figure out my my wife watches porn.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

My girl and I have a very active sex life but for some reason, I look at porn all the time. Sometimes when I am the house by myself and she's out doing things - I am looking at porn. 

I love her to death. The problem is.. I've been looking at porn since I was around the age of 14. I would spend countless days and hours just storming through videos and videos. So the problem started before I met her. 

Deleting the history is the best way to try to avoid an argument (if you do it right). My girl loves porn herself so it's no big deal for us, but honestly, there's 10000 different body types. Sadly, some guys want to see every type he can.. through his computer. 

If it's a problem so you say, then he has to stop or you are going to explode emotionally, but prepared. Quitting porn is like quitting cigs. You will have to keep tabs on him.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

PORN is one of those issues, I think a couple should be open & honest about before they marry... but it's so touchy as it makes the women feel "less than"...and men don't want to go there... they don't want to hurt their Gf's /wives. 

The level of Testosterone men have to deal with in their younger years is not something the majority of us women UNDERSTAND or could relate to (I know I didn't back then)....They have 10 times + more than women flowing through their bodies, this is our* LUST hormone*... a man's need and antisiness for action is a pretty strong force, it can over take their thoughts...even if they might not want it to, they gravitate to it..it's free, it's abundant, and it's pleasurable to the senses. 

I have a book suggestion for you....to help understand what men get out of this... but also the woman's view/feelings too...








Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship: Books









It was written by a husband AND WIFE ....who decided to hear each other out ..no matter how painful.... with the determination to understand each others feelings.... 

This husband explains the allure in porn -but also this doesn't mean a man fails to love & cherish his wife at the same time......it goes both ways.... and every couple owes it to themselves to UNDERSTAND the other .... Addiction to porn & using it over a wife is another issue entirely -not what this book is about. 

I bought the book for pure curiosity.... I didn't read it to the end, but I believe the husband gives it up willingly, *not out of compulsion, threats or fear tactics from his wife....but only after he FELT HEARD by her....how utterly important... and he heard her side as well*. 

Yrs ago now....I had my time of over-reacting -when I would find files on my husband's computer, he never tried to hide it...his looking was more TAME... playboy bunnies.... I'd post scriptures on his desktop, I think I cried a little bit..but he never denied me & was at my beck & call ... couldn't ask for a better husband. Now I let him look at anything he wants...and we watch porn together ! I enjoy it more than he does these days!

My husband is similar to Wise's post above... we have an active fulfilling sex life.. (we save every orgasm for each other even)...he's been looking since he was even younger than 14...everything he learned about sex was in Playboy magazine...

It is a rare rare man who doesn't slip a little porn now & then, even if they are his convictions. One of man's greatest battles. >> Every religious man worth any salt knows this - why such books have been written >> 

Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time ...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Do you get on his case about watching porn? That may explain why he deletes his browsing history, if he doesn't feel he's doing anything wrong. How often do you two have sex? Would you think he would have any complaints with your sex life? How old are you two?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

roni4tahn said:


> ... so then i feel less loving towards him...


I think it is very important to note that this is a credible response that many women have toward their husband when they discover that he uses porn. It is not an attempt to control him, it is not an attempt to punish him.

It is a real response, and one which I have noted in a lot of women's responses on this subject.

There is no way to dismiss this. There is no way to make an argument for porn that will also address this.

Husbands who want their wives to love them should pay attention to this. Why risk having her love for you diminish? 

Porn is not normal, and it is not a "right." It just is...

But with every thing that we do we all have to weigh the risks...

You want to ride a bike? You wear a helmet.

You want to skydive? Well, just hope that the helmet does not wear you... ( Seinfeld )

You want to use porn? You could risk damaging the relationship that you have with your wife.

SimplyAmorous is right about testosterone levels and most women do not understand the effect that has on men. But most men do not understand their sexuality either, and porn is a dead end that men often explore because they don't know how to deal with their sexuality and their testosterone.

The bottom line for me is that if you are in a relationship then you should be giving all of your sexual energy to your spouse, and you should be exploring a mutually satisfying sex life.

Information about sex can enhance a relationship, and porn used to fly under the radar because it supposed itself to be about disseminating information. Modern day porn is anything but that. Most of it is way over the top.

Most men would be happier in their sex lives if they chose to get rid of porn and began to learn more about their sexuality.

Let me put that out as a rhetorical question... How can I find out more about my sexuality by watching someone else have sex?

Porn use will never allow me to "find" myself in a relationship. I will be imitating someone else, imagining someone else, trying to live up to someone else.

The happiest guy is the guy who realizes that all he needs sexually is right there in that woman who loves him.


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

Has he been doing this for years or are you just finding out about it? Have you expressed that you are uncomfortable with him watching it? If he knows it upsets you, that is why he is deleting it. Has his actions, behavior or love making changed? Can you sit down & watch it with him. If you think you can,it could get him to open up about it & express why he looks at it, if this is new behavior for him maybe he's wanting to spice things up in the bedroom.


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

Why does anyone look at porn...I think its because its sexually a turn on or gratifying in some sense. For some, its just an enhancement to an already good sex life. For some, its a sexual aid to masturbation or even a marital sexual aid, like any other "toys". 

As to whether it is ok or not...only the two in each relationship can answer that. Its one of those things a couple might wanna explore before committing, but for some reason, it doesn't always come up or get discussed. As well, some people feel a sense of shame about it and have a hard time being forthcoming. Shame, in my experience, is typically something thats been developed due to someone(s) judgement or perceived judgement. A fear that something will be lost if the truth about watching porn is discovered. (loss of relationship, loss of respect, etc)

The type of porn might make a difference too. Those who are into kinky porn, for example, might be a lot less forthcoming than someone who just likes the typical m/f generic soft porn.


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## MidwestDave (Jun 18, 2009)

I trust porn to not judge me. I trust porn to not emotionally manipulate me and use me. I know that porn will not turn me away and will not belittle me, when I am in need of support and someone to share my pain. This is why currently I choose porn over my wife. Sad but true.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

roni4tahn said:


> I just don't understand it! Is it normal for all men to do this? Why do they do it?? Help me to understand please?!


1. They do it as a form of escapism. It's no different than listening to music, or watching a movie. It's very similar to the way women escape by reading romance novels. Your husband could similarly feel inadequate, compared to the rich, tall, handsome men in romance movies/books that women enjoy. 

2. Yes, it's normal for men to do this. 

3. Here's the real shocker: it's normal for women to do this too! Porn isn't just a "man vs. woman" thing.


My wife and I enjoy porn together. It doesn't have to be a problem in a relationship, if communication is good and all the cards are out on the table.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

MidwestDave said:


> I trust porn to not judge me. I trust porn to not emotionally manipulate me and use me. I know that porn will not turn me away and will not belittle me, when I am in need of support and someone to share my pain. This is why currently I choose porn over my wife. Sad but true.


Please elaborate on how porn supports you and shares your pain. I've heard a lot of reasons for viewing porn but this is new to me.

It's my understanding that porn is designed to emotionally/physically manipulate you - i.e. regarding needing more and different types - that's why so many get hooked on viewing it.

For the OP, my guess is people look at porn because they want to and because they can. If they continue to look after it is presented as hurtful to the spouse, then they are showing you that they don't give a rat about you.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sparkyjim said:


> I think it is very important to note that this is a credible response that many women have toward their husband when they discover that he uses porn. It is not an attempt to control him, it is not an attempt to punish him.
> 
> It is a real response, and one which I have noted in a lot of women's responses on this subject.
> 
> ...


while I agree with most of this.It only applies if the wife wants to make her husbands sexuality a priority and vice versa if she or he doesn't then all bet are off.


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## Almost There (Oct 23, 2013)

This is totally normal. A LOT of people - men and women - feel this way when their partner watches porn.

So... have you talked to him about it? How's intimacy between you two? Has it suffered because of this? Have you told him how you feel about it? Don't explode on him - just have a grown up discussion about how it makes you feel, how it hurts you, and see how he responds. Try not to blame him or criticize him... just explain your feelings.

There can be, and are, porn-free relationships. I'm in one now. I didn't like the way it made me feel, thinking about him looking at other women... and he felt the same about me. So... we stopped. Simple as that!

That's not for everyone, of course, but I'm very lucky in that my man understood and we worked through it together.


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## solvency7 (Jun 15, 2013)

what is this about, porn is what it is, fantasy television, i watch porn, many different styles,different shapes of women,different positions, one underlying factor is,just makes me want to sleep with my wife! i dont sit there comparing or thinking ' oh i wish i could have her' its just porn,like people say if hed rather watch that then watch you on the bed then its an issue,until then stop worrying and maybe even watch some yourself!


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## realitybites (Oct 12, 2011)

So after reading every post in this thread, I feel like I must make a comment. Pornography is what ultimately led to my marriage's failure.

I'll go back to what the thread starter said:

"...i know its not cheating but i just don't understand why he has to look at it"

Well saying it's not cheating isn't exactly true. It all depends on how the spouse takes it and how they react. My ex reacted as if I had slept with another woman. And I have no right to dictate how she felt about it. Again, chalk this up to not having discussed this issue to begin with and I should've with her.

Secondly, and I'll admit this, I'm a Christian. And I don't think pornography is good. It's what somebody else said...a fantasy, an escape...there's no judging, no living up to somebody else's expectation. Do I still look at it? Yes. Do I think it's good? Not really...but as another poster said, I do give in to those temptations.

Thirdly, it's interesting about those couples that watch it together or are ok with each other watching it. I remember early on in my relationship with my ex...we were both ok with exploring sexuality even if it meant looking up what would be considered pornographic material. But things changed and I'm not sure why or how. Her sex drive nosedived after getting pregnant with our first child. And after I getting caught looking at porn, that was the start of our long descent.

So while I take full responsibility for our demise, and a person doesn't dictate how a person reacts, there was a better way to address this...and it's the old cliche...communication and truthfulness up front. And that's what we never really had from the beginning.

Anyway, I've rambled on enough...just have the thoughts flowing through right now.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

sparkyjim said:


> I think it is very important to note that this is a credible response that many women have toward their husband when they discover that he uses porn. It is not an attempt to control him, it is not an attempt to punish him.
> 
> It is a real response, and one which I have noted in a lot of women's responses on this subject.
> 
> ...


Your insight was very helpful. I understand the higher testosterone level but didn't know how hard it was to control. Have been married for 20 years. Early in our marriage, I felt almost pressured to watch porn , as if women who didn't were prudish. The reason, my H laughed about his friend's wife's reaction to porn. His friend introduced porn into their marriage and wife reacted with, "what other people do in the bedroom is none of our business". When my H heard this story, he thought that wife was a prude. I did not respond but porn was not right for me so I didn't watch.

Fast forward. H and I have had our problems. Much of this I realize now, stems from my resentment toward him for him watching porn and him flirting with other women. I'm leaving a lot of information out but in short I have been giving our sex life #1 priority for the past two years. Even if it means I don't sleep. 

What I have noticed though is that nothing changes. He still is interested in other women. He occasionally leaves me if we are at an event together so he can talk to someone new. Also, his favorite porn search was petite blondes. If we are out and he sees a blonde, a big - kind of creepy - smile comes across his face and he will try to stand close to get a good look her. It seems as if he is transferring his fantasy out of the bedroom.


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## realitybites (Oct 12, 2011)

talk123, it appears from your situation that the problem maybe bigger than just porn. Sounds like you're trying what you can to keep things going in the bedroom but also sounds like there's unresolved feelings about what he does and either he doesn't know or doesn't care. So I think all your effort won't ultimately solve the overriding issue. I'll throw out the typical advice of needing to have a conversation between you two to work those issues out. I'd like to think that having those issues resolved might help everything else.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

I can understand that you feel upset about this. I guess no one really is in to the fact that some one on a screen making unrealistic oohs and arrs is a turn off. 

But, have you actually found what hes specifically looking at ?
Have you looked at it yourself to see what he seems so interested in?

Many women feel that they are compared - Guess what? some guys do as well !!
Why not try looking into what his interests are. You may find that there is a "something" you like in there as well. 

Are you against porn full stop? Or are you just upset that you H is looking. 
If its a case that porn is a real turn off for you then you can at least tell him that - There is no shame in saying Ive looked and I dislike it because x,y and z. 
Then you can get across the reasons you think he should not look. That is especially important if its upsetting you so much. 

Some couples really do find it hard to watch porn together indeed some find mainstream televison edited sex acts uncomfortable to watch together.
If there is something that you like and something he likes may be swopping site addresses to watch what the other likes is a good thing. Then watch them on your own without the other there - if either is not happy - then really both should stop. Its only fair and respectful


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

sparkyjim said:


> The happiest guy is the guy who realizes that all he needs sexually is right there in that woman who loves him.


That would be great, if it were true.

Sometimes you don't have everything you need sexually in the woman who loves you, or if you do, she has no interest in demonstrating that ability. So you do the best you can with what you have.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Why do men look at porn? Cause porn has naked women. Next question?


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Why do men look at porn? Cause porn has naked women. Next question?


If it were just that...

I have been thinking about how we say "look" at porn. Somewhere else someone used the term "use"

Of course I know I am not the only one, and I know I have never just "looked" at porn.

So to expand on your answer - yes there are naked women... and yes when a man "looks" his nervous system, his brain, his body reacts as though he were really having sex with that woman, and the eventual climax seals the deal, as it were.

So I can understand why women are offended by porn, because they take a more honest view of it.

I know, I know...some guys are going to say " I don't whack off to porn..." Right... of course they don't. They just look until they are inspired enough to go and do it with their spouse.

Once again, offense understood.

To talk123...it is time to start whacking your wayward husband in the back of the head... figuratively. It is time to have that confrontation. You can't avoid it because you are fighting it with yourself everyday. At least if you bring it out in the open he has to face your feelings about it.

Does he really deny and yell? I am sorry he acts like a child and not a man.

It is not easy for men to avoid porn. It appeals to us. It looks like sex. We like sex, we need sex, and evolutionary speaking we are conditioned to have sex. That doesn't mean that we should give in however.

The truth as I have come to see - after much wandering in all the wrong directions - is that a real, happy, sex life thrives without the influence of porn.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

My stbxw was always stuck on issues with work or....who knows.....and was really hard to get to change gears when sexy time came around. I would have had similar problems but I would often read some erotic stories or view some porn to get in the right mindset and I'm ready to go. 
When it starts replacing having sex with your partner though, then it's a problem, in my opinion.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

My stbxw was always stuck on issues with work or....who knows.....and was really hard to get to change gears when sexy time came around. I would have had similar problems but I would often read some erotic stories or view some porn to get in the right mindset and I'm ready to go. 
When it starts replacing having sex with your partner though, then it's a problem, in my opinion.


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## Susieatwork (Oct 25, 2013)

I think there's a difference between watching porn on occasion, and having a porn addiction. 
I don't think there's anything wrong with using porn as a form of escapism or sexual fantasy - as long as you realize that's what it is. It's a safe way to experience sexual fantasy without betraying your partner. I didn't always feel this way having grown up in a religious household - but I have "loosened up" in this respect and gotten much peace of mind from it. 

I have no problem with my partner watching porn & vice versa. I would have a problem if he was constantly watching it and/or if his watching it diminished his sexual attraction to me because he was caught up in some delusional fantasy about what sex should look like.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

sparkyjim said:


> If it were just that...
> 
> I have been thinking about how we say "look" at porn. Somewhere else someone used the term "use"
> 
> ...


Thank you for taking the time to understand and explain both sides of this issue. Your healthier sex life w/o porn is encouraging.

I have watched my H stare at other women wanting to be 'caught' staring by them. Have also found he used a porn site where he has sex on line. He denies it all. Says no need to talk about it since I believe what I want anyway. 

Not in everyone's case but I can see how the positive reinforcement , climax with porn, and in my H's case with certain blondes, would fuel his interest in that type of woman if he sees one when we are out.


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

solvency7 said:


> what is this about, porn is what it is, fantasy television, i watch porn, many different styles,different shapes of women,different positions, one underlying factor is,just makes me want to sleep with my wife! i dont sit there comparing or thinking ' oh i wish i could have her' its just porn,like people say if hed rather watch that then watch you on the bed then its an issue,until then stop worrying and maybe even watch some yourself!


The above comment really is something the OP should listen to. I used to feel like the OP too. But Im starting to realize that porn is just a picture or video, its not real. It doesnt mean your husband is going to sleep with other women.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Both the H and I enjoy porn, both together and separately. It's fun, in my mind not cheating, and we can learn new things to try on each other. We have an active, healthy sex life so the porn does not replace anything. I think it would be a problem if a man replaces marital sex with porn. The only thing I feel bad about is how the porn actors got to where they are.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Roni, porn does massive damage to marriages. It creates insecurity in the wife, her sense of her own sexiness. It causes the husband to lose his sensitivity to his wife's body. It's a form of cheating. It can lead to affairs. It is a sure sign that a marriage is on trouble or going that direction.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

solvency7 said:


> what is this about, porn is what it is, fantasy television, i watch porn, many different styles,different shapes of women,different positions, one underlying factor is,just makes me want to sleep with my wife! i dont sit there comparing or thinking ' oh i wish i could have her' its just porn,like people say if hed rather watch that then watch you on the bed then its an issue,until then stop worrying and maybe even watch some yourself!


Self delusions. I don't believe one word you say. You use porn to get excited about your wife. What a big middle finger to her!!!

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

WalterWhite said:


> Self delusions. I don't believe one word you say. You use porn to get excited about your wife. What a big middle finger to her!!!
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Oh stuff it. You don't get to speak for him.

There isn't the woman built in porn or in real life whose body is so good that I don't want my wife. 27 years, two kids, middle age weight gain and all.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> If they continue to look after it is presented as hurtful to the spouse, then they are showing you that they don't give a rat about you.


Or .... an ultimatum over something completely benign could be seen as someone not giving a rats ass about you.

Perspective..funny thing eh?


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

sparkyjim said:


> The bottom line for me is that if you are in a relationship then you should be giving all of your sexual energy to your spouse, and you should be exploring a mutually satisfying sex life.
> 
> Information about sex can enhance a relationship, and porn used to fly under the radar because it supposed itself to be about disseminating information. Modern day porn is anything but that. Most of it is way over the top.
> 
> Most men would be happier in their sex lives if they chose to get rid of porn and began to learn more about their sexuality.


The problem with porn is that it raises the expectations a man has of how a normal woman should look and perform in bed, to unreasonable levels. 

Porn is also highly addictive. It effects dopamine levels in the brain. dopamine is a neurotransmitter in the brain released as a reward when we do something that we find pleasurable. It's extremely addictive.

We see this same neurotransmitter flood the brains of rats when they press a lever the releases to them a tasty treat. Some recreational and prescription drugs release dopamine. 

Women who engage in porn are typically very young, they often have their labia surgically altered and bleached to look pink as well as use laser hair removal to remove pubic hair. They often have breast implants and lip implants and other cosmetic surgeries.

They often perform seemingly impossible stances during sex , most often to improve camera angles. These positions are not always the most gratifying or stimulating to a normal women. 

How can a normal wife live up to that imagery? She can not.

So no wonder so many women who find their husbands viewing porn are upset, insulted, feel degraded and demeaned and demand that they stop. 

Porn also robs the man of sexual energy that would be better saved for and directed to his wife.




> *What is Dopamine?
> 
> Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that helps control the brain's reward and pleasure centers. Dopamine also helps regulate movement and emotional responses, and it enables us not only to see rewards, but to take action to move toward them. Dopamine deficiency results in Parkinson's Disease, and people with low dopamine activity may be more prone to addiction. The presence of a certain kind of dopamine receptor is also associated with sensation-seeking. *


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

realitybites said:


> Well saying it's not cheating isn't exactly true.


Saying it's not cheating *is* exactly true. 

The only exception would be if your marriage vows included "no porn". 



> It all depends on how the spouse takes it and how they react. My ex reacted as if I had slept with another woman. And I have no right to dictate how she felt about it.


At the same time, she had no right to treat you like you slept with another woman, because you didn't.



> Again, chalk this up to not having discussed this issue to begin with and I should've with her.


Seems hard to believe that you two didn't talk about this once before you were married. If she feels so strongly about it, then it seems like the subject would have come up when you were watching R-rated movies together, if nothing else... 



> Thirdly, it's interesting about those couples that watch it together or are ok with each other watching it. I remember early on in my relationship with my ex...we were both ok with exploring sexuality even if it meant looking up what would be considered pornographic material.


Wait... this contradicts what you said above (unless you have two ex's).



> But things changed and I'm not sure why or how. Her sex drive nosedived after getting pregnant with our first child. And after I getting caught looking at porn, that was the start of our long descent.
> 
> So while I take full responsibility for our demise,


So her sex drive nosedived before she started freaking out over porn? I don't know your full story, but it sounds like you weren't the cause of the demise of your marriage.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> The problem with porn is that it raises the expectations a man has of how a normal woman should look and perform in bed, to unreasonable levels. ...
> 
> How can a normal wife live up to that imagery? She can not.



Look at the men on daytime Soap Operas, or in popular romance novels. They are all over 6' tall, well-muscled, six-pack stomach, full head of hair, and very wealthy. 

How can a normal husband live up to that imagery? He can not. 

Media in general can give everyone unreasonable expectations. It's not just porn. But we deal with it. If we really believed everything we see on film, then we would think that it's easy to jump your car, evade the police, and smash through one fruit stand after another!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

sparkyjim said:


> If it were just that...
> 
> I have been thinking about how we say "look" at porn. Somewhere else someone used the term "use"
> 
> ...


I don't look at the stuff because it's expensive, it's a waste of time, it might hurt or piss off my wife, and, mostly, because it seems a little pathetic for a guy with a flesh and blood wife to be looking at someone else getting laid. Still, I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't enjoy looking at naked women. I didn't ask for a sex drive. I was born with it and I don't waste a lot of time trying to figure out why. I figure sex does for men what sugar does for lemonade. It turns something sort of sour and unappealing into something refreshing and really great.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Why are most of the top selling books are romance novels and erotica books? Why have soap operas been around for decades? Women do the same just in different ways.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

If you are ok with porn then leave it alone. If it bothers you and you feel it degrades you or your marriage then your husband should respect your feelings and stop watching it. Your marriage is only in trouble if your husband disregards how you feel.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

I am inclined to comment here and be quite supportive. Your feelings on your husbands use of porn are legitimate and he should respect. He is crossing one of your marital boundaries in effect. 

But you have declined to answer any of the many questions posters are asking to get a clearer picture of your marriage. This makes me think that you'd rather not reveal some sexual issues in your marriage that we'll pre exist your knowledge of his porn use. What's the deal with that?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

tacoma said:


> Or .... an ultimatum over something completely benign could be seen as someone not giving a rats ass about you.
> 
> Perspective..funny thing eh?


You're too funny. Benign in YOUR opinion. It's not benign if it is causing problems in the marriage. You don't get to dictate what others consider to be benign or hurtful.

Perspective .. funny thing eh?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> You're too funny. Benign in YOUR opinion. It's not benign if it is causing problems in the marriage. You don't get to dictate what others consider to be benign or hurtful.



Then in that case, one partner also doesn't get to dictate what others consider to be benign or hurtful (like porn). I think that point went over your head.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Why are most of the top selling books are romance novels and erotica books? Why have soap operas been around for decades? Women do the same just in different ways.


I am a proud reader of bodice rippers! It's the same thing as watching porn. Women are stimulated mentally and men are stimulated visually. I have been reading trashy romance novels since I was a teen and it has never had a negative impact on intimate relations with my husband or past boyfriends.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

WalterWhite said:


> Roni, porn does massive damage to marriages. It creates insecurity in the wife, her sense of her own sexiness. It causes the husband to lose his sensitivity to his wife's body. It's a form of cheating. It can lead to affairs. It is a sure sign that a marriage is on trouble or going that direction.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_



It's without a doubt cheating. As I mentioned elsewhere, it's gives emotional, physical, and too often financial energy to another women. 

Same goes for strip clubs and lap dances. It's disrespectful to the marriage. It's also neglects the wife, the kids, and the marriage. 

Most husbands would not like it if their wives similarly engaged and spent money on getting off on other men. 

There are a few men who post here and their wives have had EAs and PAs. They admit to watching porn or going to strip clubs yet fail to see how it might have encouraged the wife to have an affair. 

They are angry at the wife, but maybe they need to take a hard look at their own cheating ways.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Well since its 3 or 4 pages later and the OP has yet to return I guess I will bite anyway. Bottom line, if its hurtful and something you do not like, and you wish it to not be in your marriage, and there is no kind of compromise, then you will likely need to end the marriage. My guess is, if he loves and it and feels he needs it, then chances are he wont give it up in order to have a more happy healthy marriage, because what he is doing is taking priority right now. You may need to leave him, in order to find some kind of happiness for yourself.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Look at the men on daytime Soap Operas, or in popular romance novels. They are all over 6' tall, well-muscled, six-pack stomach, full head of hair, and very wealthy.
> 
> How can a normal husband live up to that imagery? He can not.
> 
> Media in general can give everyone unreasonable expectations. It's not just porn. But we deal with it. If we really believed everything we see on film, then we would think that it's easy to jump your car, evade the police, and smash through one fruit stand after another!


The same applies to some ditzey women sitting at home, masturbating to a soap star.

If she is masturbating, and most don't masterbate to soaps, and the husband has told her it upsets him, and she refuses to stop. It's cheating. 

Again, whenever emotional, or sexual energy is given to another man, it's cheating.

Most women don't spend money on their fantasy, most men do.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Theseus said:


> Look at the men on daytime Soap Operas, or in popular romance novels. They are all over 6' tall, well-muscled, six-pack stomach, full head of hair, and very wealthy.
> 
> How can a normal husband live up to that imagery? He can not.
> 
> Media in general can give everyone unreasonable expectations. It's not just porn. But we deal with it. If we really believed everything we see on film, then we would think that it's easy to jump your car, evade the police, and smash through one fruit stand after another!


Correction- Most soap male stars are not over 6'. In fact most don't go above 5'8. Quite a few are rather skinny, greying, the older ones are a bit soft in the middle. Most make characters on soaps are Dr.'s, Cops, lawyers, bar owners, mobsters. 

Yes, I watch them and I never once masturbated to them. Porn and soaps are not the same.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Then in that case, one partner also doesn't get to dictate what others consider to be benign or hurtful (like porn). I think that point went over your head.


Do some research. Any viewing of porn is addictive. It causes trouble in most marriages. 

Yes, with porn, the spouse does get to dictate that it's hurful. 

It's no different than having and affair. It's wasting emotional and sexual energy on another person and that causes neglect to the spouse.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

My ex broke up with me because he wanted what he saw in Porn. 

I don't want any one defending porn saying that it does not have an effect on a man's image of his woman or women in general. F'ck that, total bullsh*t. I have seen it happen with my very own eyes. 

He wanted me, he wanted me, got a smart phone, wanted me a little less, wanted me a little less, more porn, more porn, didn't want me at all, "you don't look like the women in porn...I can't be with you. I need to find a girl that looks like them." 

Porn f'cking sucks. Period.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> Evolutionary impetus.


I say that idea is total BS. 

I say it is more cosely related to stimulation-overstimulation-gratification and social constructs than any pre-programmed evolutionary trait. You will get similar behavior from people that smoke or drink coffee. 

Got any evidence that we 'evolved' to watch porn?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

remorseful strayer said:


> Do some research. Any viewing of porn is addictive. It causes trouble in most marriages.
> 
> Yes, with porn, the spouse does get to dictate that it's hurful.
> 
> It's no different than having and affair. It's wasting emotional and sexual energy on another person and that causes neglect to the spouse.


I cant believe I am jumping into a porn thread.

I think you make far too many assumptions here by drawing direct lines between a masturbatory tool and 'wasting emotonal and sexual "energy"' and 'neglect'. Is it equally likely that porn becomes a crutch in marriages that are already troubled in other ways? I take exception you your broad assertion that porn causes trouble in 'most' marriages.

Lets pretend that I have sex with my wife just about every day and that we have a very good relationship and have been together 25 years. Lets also pretend that I masturbate just about every day too - probably for something akin to stress release and often view naked women who are not my wife when doing so.

Is a womans vibrator different? How so? Lets also pretend that I bought my wife a vibrator and couldnt be happier when she uses it - because I might believe that self satisfaction is not only normal and healthy and should be encouraged - but that sometimes a little external assistance is both helpful and ..well..fun.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

remorseful strayer said:


> It's no different than having and affair. It's wasting emotional and sexual energy on another person and that causes neglect to the spouse.


Let me be the first to assure you that it is nothing like an affair.

Not sure which is worse in interpersonal relationships - pornography use, or excessive hubris.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> I cant believe I am jumping into a porn thread.
> 
> I think you make far too many assumptions here by drawing direct lines between a masturbatory tool and 'wasting emotional and sexual "energy"' and 'neglect'. Is it equally likely that porn becomes a crutch in marriages that are already troubled in other ways? I take exception you your broad assertion that porn causes trouble in 'most' marriages.
> 
> ...


Uhm! It's not my assertion. It's a fact. Rooted in scientific studies. 

Do your homework. There is one article you might look up called
"This is your brain on porn" It ain't a pretty picture. It's a slobbering addiction. It ruins marriages. Ask any divorce attorney. 

And, you are entitled to your opinion, but frankly, I don't see that
It is any different than cheating.

If you don't think it takes emotional physical, sexual energy and sometimes financial resources from the spouse and kids, you are in deep denial, my friend. Just like most addicts.

Also yes, masturbating and using vibrators too often do the same thing. 

Read the Tao of sex.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Let me be the first to assure you that it is nothing like an affair.
> 
> Not sure which is worse in interpersonal relationships - pornography use, or excessive hubris.


YOu don't seem short on hubris, so you tell me which is worse.

Porn takes energy from your wife, if she is upset about it and feels it degrading and insulting, you are cheating her out of happiness and respect. Get real.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> Lets pretend that I have sex with my wife just about every day and that we have a very good relationship and have been together 25 years. Lets also pretend that I masturbate just about every day too - probably for something akin to stress release and often view naked women who are not my wife when doing so.


Let's "pretend" your married to a woman who thinks a sexual frequency of about once every one or two weeks is perfectly adequate for a marriage. 

So explain to me like I'm a two year old how masturbating to porn is more harmful to a marriage than forcing your mate into sex for which they have no desire. 

I can't believe I'm contributing to this thread either, but it's so hard to resist whenever someone comes in braying about how they have the only answer applicable to everyone under the sun.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

anotherguy said:


> Lets pretend that I have sex with my wife just about every day and that we have a very good relationship and have been together 25 years. Lets also pretend that I masturbate just about every day too - probably for something akin to stress release and often view naked women who are not my wife when doing so.


For me, if I were having sex every day with my wife, then I probably wouldn't feel the need to masturbate everyday as well.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

remorseful strayer said:


> YOu don't seem short on hubris, so you tell me which is worse.
> 
> Porn takes energy from your wife, if she is upset about it and feels it degrading and insulting, you are cheating her out of happiness and respect. Get real.


I wouldn't presume to say what is right for everyone.

Some people need to have an energy outlet separate from their spouse. Some spouses have no interest in being the object of their spouses desire as frequently as their spouse would like.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Let's "pretend" your married to a woman who thinks a sexual frequency of about once every one or two weeks is perfectly adequate for a marriage.
> 
> So explain to me like I'm a two year old how masturbating to porn is more harmful to a marriage than forcing your mate into sex for which they have no desire.
> 
> I can't believe I'm contributing to this thread either, but it's so hard to resist whenever someone comes in braying about how they have the only answer applicable to everyone under the sun.


Cletus please read all my posts, in this thread. It's already Been explained ad nauseum why porn is a negative habit for a married guy.

Bring your wife to a sex therapist, If you want more sex. 

Also, is it possible she doesn't want more sex because she feels disrespected, or you need to address some concern or need she has that will cause her to want sex more often? Is there a medical reason she doesnt' want sex. Is she tired from too much housework?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

trey69 said:


> For me, if I were having sex every day with my wife, then I probably wouldn't feel the need to masturbate everyday as well.


So why aren't you having sex with your wife every day?


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Cletus said:


> I wouldn't presume to say what is right for everyone.
> 
> Some people need to have an energy outlet separate from their spouse. Some spouses have no interest in being the object of their spouses desire as frequently as their spouse would like.


We are not proclaiming what is right for everyone. 

We are simply stating the facts of an addictive porn habit and its affects on a spouse. 

If a wife feels disrespected and neglected by a porn habit, the guy needs to listen to that complaint, if he wants a happy marriage. 

As for needing an outside outlet, the same can be said for cheating. Still it hurts marriages. 

YOu need to decide which is more important. Yes, you have to do what is right for you, but that may not be good for your marriage. 

That's what this discussion is about.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

remorseful strayer said:


> Bring your wife to a sex therapist, If you want more sex.


That presumes that she is broken. I don't think that she is, and more importantly, neither does she.



> Also, is it possible she doesn't want more sex because she feels disrespected, or you need to address some concern or need she has that will cause her to want sex more often?  Is there a medical reason she doesnt' want sex. Is she tired from too much housework?


Sexual attitudes and needs, like every human condition, have a wide distribution around a mean. When you put two people into a contractually monogamous sexual relationship who are far apart on what they consider normal, there will be a need for compromise. 

One of those possible compromises, among many, is for the higher need partner to find a sexual outlet that doesn't violate the marriage and doesn't involve the spouse. I do not concede the point that viewing explicit pictures or video is a violation of the marital contract. Nor do I believe my spouse should be under an implicit obligation to satisfy my every sexual whim at my leisure. 

I prefer the Dan Savage solution. Be respectful and don't flaunt your pornography use in front of your spouse. Pretend to not use it, and your spouse will pretend to believe you. Everyone can have peace.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Cletus said:


> So why aren't you having sex with your wife every day?


Because I don't need it everyday. We both have a satisfying sex life to where the amount we have works for both of us.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

trey69 said:


> Because I don't need it everyday. We both have a satisfying sex life to where the amount we have works for both of us.


But you do feel the need to masturbate every day? 

I'm confused here.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Oh come on. Why do you THINK he looks at porn?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Cletus said:


> But you do feel the need to masturbate every day?
> 
> I'm confused here.


Yes you are confused. I'm not the one who said I needed sex everyday or needed to masturbate
everyday. I responded to what someone else said on another page. Please read the replies more 
careful. Thanks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Cletus said:


> That presumes that she is broken. I don't think that she is, and more importantly, neither does she.


Yet you feel the need to look at porn and masturbate because you have labeled her low desire?





> Sexual attitudes and needs, like every human condition, have a wide distribution around a mean. When you put two people into a contractually monogamous sexual relationship who are far apart on what they consider normal, there will be a need for compromise.
> 
> One of those possible compromises, among many, is for the higher need partner to find a sexual outlet that doesn't violate the marriage and doesn't involve the spouse. I do not concede the point that viewing explicit pictures or video is a violation of the marital contract. Nor do I believe my spouse should be under an implicit obligation to satisfy my every sexual whim at my leisure.


It's a free country my friend. The discussion is about will it cause harm to a marriage. The studies say yes yes and yes. 



> I prefer the Dan Savage solution. Be respectful and don't flaunt your pornography use in front of your spouse. Pretend to not use it, and your spouse will pretend to believe you. Everyone can have peace.


Well then you are being deceptive, coy and keeping secrets. That's also a marriage killer. 

Most people who have been cheated on say that the dishonesty and deception hurts more than the sexual aspect of an affair. 

So now you have just added another dimension to support why porn viewing is similar to an EA or PA

It involves DECEPTION and takes emotional, physical, sexual and often financial energy and resources from the loyal spouse.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

remorseful strayer said:


> Uhm! It's not my assertion. It's a fact. Rooted in scientific studies.
> 
> Do your homework. There is one article you might look up called
> "This is your brain on porn" It ain't a pretty picture. It's a slobbering addiction. It ruins marriages. Ask any divorce attorney.
> ...



Sorry - im not sure you understand what 'scientific fact' means withrespect to what damages a relationship.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201307/your-brain-porn-its-not-addictive

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19665229 

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17851749

_"....we assessed participants' reports of how pornography has affected them personally in various areas, including their sexual knowledge, attitudes toward sex, attitudes toward and perception of the opposite sex, sex life, and general quality of life. Across all areas investigated, participants reported only small, if any, negative effects with men reporting slightly more negative effects than women. In contrast, moderate positive effects were generally reported by both men and women, with men reporting significantly more positive effects than women. For both sexes, sexual background factors were found to significantly predict both positive and negative effects of pornography consumption. Although the proportion of variance in positive effects accounted for by sexual background factors was substantial, it was small for negative effects. We discuss how the findings may be interpreted differently by supporters and opponents of pornography due to the reliance in this study on reported self-perceptions of effects. Nonetheless, we conclude that the overall findings suggest that many young Danish adults believe that pornography has had primarily a positive effect on various aspects of their lives..._

..and yeah. "Psychology Today" doesnt count either. 

Of course porn can be addictive - that isnt the point. So can coffee, or exercise, or cocaine or cutting yourself or eating or collecting beanie babies or ...etc.

Im sure we can both google up sources - but I bet my sources are more reputable than 'yourbrainonporn.com'. Your blanket assertions are demonstrably incorrect.

I have seen similar threads before, so I'll simply leave it at that. There are people that get addicted to gambling in a bad way - and those that might play cards with friends for quarters, and those that have no interest in that sort of thing. Same for just about any behavior. Pontificating that 'porn' directly equates to 'addiction' is ridiculous. Do people get addicted to porn? Assuredly. Does looking at *'any'* pornography equate to addiction as you state? Most certainly not.

'study it out!'


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Then in that case, one partner also doesn't get to dictate what others consider to be benign or hurtful (like porn). I think that point went over your head.


Unfortunately, you missed the point entirely. Whether porn is benign or not is irrelevant. 

What is relevant is if one partner has a problem with it and the other partner shines them on because *they* don't see a problem with it, then that is dismissal of the hurt partner's feelings.

If one doesn't care about their partner's feelings, why are they with them?


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## Centurions (Jan 31, 2013)

Greetings!

Well, men view porn to get off. It's normal. It's variety, strange, exciting. Taken to extreme, like anything else, is bad. I occasionally watch porn with my girlfriend. By myself though? Not much anymore, honestly. My girlfriend and I have a passionate and vigorous sex life, with sex every day, sometimes several times a day. I don't have much interest--or energy!!!--for porn. Lol. I hardly even MB anymore, anyways, for the same reasons.

Centurions
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

I can only answer for myself. I watch porn for the fantasy aspect; All the freaky stuff that I can't do with my wife I can get vicariously living through porn: pound town sex, multiple positions, swallowing, facials, anal, 2 on 1, etc... and just to clarify, I don't expect my wife to do any of that stuff after I've watched.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

What is pound town sex?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

All I can say is that for the last few years of my marriage, my wife throttled back our sex life and refused to work with me on improving it. And my porn use escalated. 

For the last almost 3 years, I've been in a sexually healthy relationship. Probably 4 to 7 times a week. And the only time I watch porn is with her, maybe once a week. To be honest, she's the one that initiates the porn watching. And this works great for us. 

That's why I asked the OP what her husband's interpretation of their sex life would be way back on the first page... 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

remorseful strayer said:


> Uhm! It's not my assertion. It's a fact. Rooted in scientific studies.
> 
> Do your homework. There is one article you might look up called
> "This is your brain on porn" It ain't a pretty picture. It's a slobbering addiction. It ruins marriages. Ask any divorce attorney.
> ...


No doubt about it that the pornographic industry is very dirty filled with a lot of problems and many ruined sad people. However, I wouldn't go as far as saying that porn is an addiction, nor would I say it is one of the primary reasons for divorces. 

Id say the primary reasons for divorce are infidelity, abuse, and general decaying of a relationship (commitment and interest dies down). And typically when interest level hits an extreme low one of the spouses is either cheating or talking to someone else. Humans are not naturally monogamous creatures, lack of interest in a partner often leads to seeking new "excitement" in someone else often resulting in infidelity. 

Porn has the potential to be a problem. 

In a society in which everyone is living out their sexual fantasies and getting as much sex as they desire there would be no use for porn. Porn is basically an aid to masturbation. 

And yes many people take porn to far and many people start having unrealistic views of sex, women, relationships etc from too much porn use. 



anotherguy said:


> Sorry - im not sure you understand what 'scientific fact' means withrespect to what damages a relationship.
> 
> http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201307/your-brain-porn-its-not-addictive
> 
> ...


I have since had my mind changed since our last debate. I would agree with you now

:iagree:

The only thing I would say is, I believe if people had all their needs met I don't think porn would exist. I believe porn use while its a great aid for masturbation and helps calm overly horny people; can cause problems when an individual become angry, over the fact they are not getting the "desired sex" that they want. In other words a person who dives too far into the porn world, might become unhappy and possibly act out negatively because they are upset that they are not getting the type of sex they watch in the porn films. Set individual might be more likely to lash out, and I would argue all that could be avoided had they never known of porn, then jealous thoughts would of never come to mind from those images (at least).


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

This topic could be debated all day long.

At the end of the day; there is no law that makes porn illegal for anyone that is 18/21 and older. It is your spouse's god given right to look at porn for as long as they desire. It is up to you to decide if it's acceptable or not and then to make a decision. 

Millions of people watch porn and millions of people do not watch porn. It is a business that is probably one of the couple things that actually thrives in America's economy = so expect more and more videos. If your husband does not change, however, you still love him to much etc. etc. then your fight is a losing battle because at the end of the day - the people who enjoy porn win, the govt wins, and the porn industry wins.

And you lose. Accept it or move on.

End of case.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

The only main reason things win or continue to thrive is because there are people who continue to support it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Well duh. Tons of people enjoy "keeping up with the kardashians;" tons of people enjoy watching a movie in a theater for 15$ a pop rather than waiting a couple months to get it on a redbox at 1$ a pop; and a ton of people enjoy watching porn. There is no difference - they are all completely legal and they all have their negatives. 

Normally, when porn becomes an problem in a marriage, it is NOT the underlying issue - it's an escape.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> PORN is one of those issues, I think a couple should be open & honest about before they marry... but it's so touchy as it makes the women feel "less than"...and men don't want to go there... they don't want to hurt their Gf's /wives.
> 
> The level of Testosterone men have to deal with in their younger years is not something the majority of us women UNDERSTAND or could relate to (I know I didn't back then)....They have 10 times + more than women flowing through their bodies, this is our* LUST hormone*... a man's need and antisiness for action is a pretty strong force, it can over take their thoughts...even if they might not want it to, they gravitate to it..it's free, it's abundant, and it's pleasurable to the senses.


I am not sure that I have ever read anything that explains this concept better. Well said.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

wise said:


> It is your spouse's god given right to look at porn for as long as they desire.


Ummm...actually this is not true at all... and laughable that you would invoke God...

You have a right to Freedom of Speech - and porn has been lumped into that category.

But whereas you cannot stand up and yell "Fire!" in a crowded movie theater, you also cannot watch porn in a crowded movie theater, unless it happens to be a porn theater...

But these threads always dissolve into these kind of bickerings...


I am no longer going to cite evidence to support what I have learned from experience.

I am only going to say once more that if you are a man and you want to have sexual success, you should seriously consider giving up watching other people having sex and you should start exploring your OWN sexuality - not the sexual acts that you see in porn.

If you are married and your wife is interested in sex with you then I think she would love receiving all of your sexual energy. And hey, so what if you only get to do it two times a week? Those two times are going to memorable....

And if your wife is not interested then you should ask yourself a few questions...
like
is my porn use turning her off?
Is my porn use messing with my testosterone and making me less attractive to her?
Is my porn use causing me to desire things that she doesn't want? ( and that maybe I don't really want but I think I want because I see the actors acting like it is enjoyable?)

Whether porn is addictive or cheating or a "right" is really not the point here and not the point of this thread. What is the point is that porn use is a negative force on most men's search for sexual success, but they do not realize it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sparkyjim...you're my new favorite poster.


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Porn is in the perspective of one individual, and perspectives obviously may vary... And here's mine...

Does porn destroy marriages?

Short answer: No, people do.

Does porn provide a false expectation of sex/dating?

Debatable: only under the same expectations as oh say...
Video games, erotic novels, tv, movies have on life in general.

Does porn make you interested in sex/type of sex you had no interest in before?

Yes: when I was twelve, but honestly as an adult, I know what sex, oral sex, anal sex feels like, and the degree of the complications of variant positions. If I see something in a porn and I say "Hey! I want to do that." It's no different than seeing a Pizza Hut commercial and saying "I can go for some pizza." I know what it taste like.

Does porn make insensitive to women or women needs?

Short answer: no. Not in or of itself, these guys had other bad influences and/or poor upbringing and an absence of strong role models. Some guys objectified women either before porn or with a total absence of it. Now the other guys, porn brought it to focus sooner rather than later.

Does porn provide an unrealistic expectation in men?

No. Media and advertisement do a fine job of that.

Is porn use a contribution to a LD wife being LD?

No. That's on her, the only thing I take from that is why would a guy still be involved with her?

Finally.

My two cents. 

If I'm comfortable watching porn, I'm comfortable with my sexuality.

If my wife is uncomfortable with porn, she's uncomfortable with her sexuality and thus uncomfortable with mine.

And I assure you, she is very comfortable with both of our sexuality


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

WadeWilson said:


> My two cents.
> 
> If I'm comfortable watching porn, I'm comfortable with my sexuality.
> 
> If my wife is uncomfortable with porn, she's uncomfortable with her sexuality and thus uncomfortable with mine.




Wow.... what a gross generalization...

I don't know what to say other than to say your two cents ain't worth what it used to be.

Especially the part about saying that if a woman (your wife in this example) is uncomfortable about watching porn then she is uncomfortable with her sexuality.

I don't think anything could be further from the truth.

But this is the kind of argument presented by the side that wants to blindly indulge themselves in looking at porn. I think it is easier than looking at what they really want for themselves.

This may be a generalization, but I think most women who do look at porn are looking at it with the concept of connecting with themselves and with their spouses. I don't think that men share that concept.

Nor do I believe that most men who look at porn are in fact comfortable with their sexuality. I think that a man who is comfortable with his sexuality quickly realizes that he does not need porn's influence on him.
Therein


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

sparkyjim said:


> This may be a generalization, but I think most women who do look at porn are looking at it with the concept of connecting with themselves and with their spouses. I don't think that men share that concept.


Sooo.... You know what it's like to be a guy?

You know how I think, right?

You're going to say that as I guy all I can think with is the little head, but, because you're a woman your knowledge and understanding is pure...

Who hurt you? Where do you get this outlandish ideas from?

And yes that indeed was my two cents, as a guy I think I know all too well what it's like to be a guy.... And by the way don't take pieces of my post, place it out of context and say its a broad generalization...




WadeWilson said:


> My two cents.
> 
> If I'm comfortable watching porn, I'm comfortable with my sexuality.
> 
> ...


It still stands, if this bothers you, yes You Are Not Comfortable....
My wife IS, I feel a sense of pity that anyone can't share and bond with their spouse on ALL levels.....


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sparkyjim is a guy, Wade.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

> Ummm...actually this is not true at all... and laughable that you would invoke God...
> 
> You have a right to Freedom of Speech - and porn has been lumped into that category.
> 
> But whereas you cannot stand up and yell "Fire!" in a crowded movie theater, you also cannot watch porn in a crowded movie theater, unless it happens to be a porn theater...


Ummm...what? 

Porn has not been lumped into the category. It freely falls into the first amendment. The first amendment protects just about anything that is not obscene in general. Porn for the most part is not considered as obscene with the few exceptions of child porn, etc. Porn is only a script of what happens in the real world, behind closed doors - and a lot of it nowadays is amateur work created by couples. There is a category of porn for every specific individual and what the "enjoy." It would be OBSCENE and detrimental to take away this enjoyment. 

On a side note, there is so much porn that comes through America from outside countries through the internet - and that itself just makes a whole other argument. The govt. would have to _completely_ shut the internet down to fix that problem.

And looking at it from an economy standpoint, porn is a billion dollar industry, regularly employs people, and is thriving. Everyone who is part of porn - whether it's the individual viewing it, the actors, or the govt = everyone is WINNING. If it was not part of the 1st amendment, trust me, they would stick it somewhere else in the constitution.



> Especially the part about saying that if a woman (your wife in this example) is uncomfortable about watching porn then she is uncomfortable with her sexuality.
> 
> I don't think anything could be further from the truth.


Generally speaking, being comfertable with your sexuality means that you have no problem with the same sex - regarding whatever could be causing a possible issue. A woman uncomfortable with watching porn could be for many specific reason, however, being uncomfortable with her sexuality can easily be one of the reasons seeing as how most of the video's are of women.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

yeah_right said:


> What is pound town sex?


Rough, hard-thrusting sex.



sparkyjim said:


> I am only going to say once more that if you are a man and you want to have sexual success, you should seriously consider giving up watching other people having sex and you should start exploring your OWN sexuality - not the sexual acts that you see in porn.


I don't know about that... Watching porn (in moderation, of course) can inspire sexual creativity and innovation, prompting you to explore your sexuality. While it wouldn't be prudent (or healthy) to try everything you see, there are some things in porn that could stand to spice up the sex life and give it the kickstart it needs if it's floundering.


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## Insanity (Oct 28, 2013)

sparkyjim said:


> If it were just that...
> 
> I have been thinking about how we say "look" at porn. Somewhere else someone used the term *"use"*
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Honest, real, mature response. *Thank you.* Sadly, this is rare!


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## Insanity (Oct 28, 2013)

WalterWhite said:


> Roni, porn does massive damage to marriages. It creates insecurity in the wife, her sense of her own sexiness. It causes the husband to lose his sensitivity to his wife's body. It's a form of cheating. It can lead to affairs. It is a sure sign that a marriage is on trouble or going that direction.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


:iagree:

Not to mention the studies on the damage it does to the user's brain. It provokes a similar reaction as cocaine does. Net result - the ever increasing desire for MORE.

I don't believe it is possible to watch "just a little" porn. I believe it takes a mile if you give it an inch, and before long - its vortex consumes any degree of control one might think they possess over it. It is FAR from innocent.


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Faithful Wife said:


> Sparkyjim is a guy, Wade.


Then I stand corrected on the issue on that... 

But it still stands, ones own comfort is their own issue....

Still sounds like a hurt person regardless...


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Insanity said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Not to mention the studies on the damage it does to the user's brain. It provokes a similar reaction as cocaine does. Net result - the ever increasing desire for MORE.


The same thing can be said for eating your favorite foods, having real sex with your real life partner, or watching an elegant ballet if that's your thing.

The human brain responds to pleasure, and porn is pleasing to some. 



> I don't believe it is possible to watch "just a little" porn. I believe it takes a mile if you give it an inch, and before long - its vortex consumes any degree of control one might think they possess over it. It is FAR from innocent.


And you would be wrong. Completely, irrevocably, and demonstrably wrong. Because, to a first approximation, every man with access to porn is a porn viewer - at least, such an overwhelming majority as to make the non-users nearly insignificant. Most don't take it to extremes, develop compulsive disorders, or ruin relationships over it. Just like most who drink don't become alcoholics.

I don't claim you have to like, use, or defend porn for yourself, but let's keep the discussion in the realm of reality.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> I have seen similar threads before, so I'll simply leave it at that. There are people that get addicted to gambling in a bad way - and those that might play cards with friends for quarters, and those that have no interest in that sort of thing. Same for just about any behavior. Pontificating that 'porn' directly equates to 'addiction' is ridiculous. Do people get addicted to porn? Assuredly. Does looking at *'any'* pornography equate to addiction as you state? Most certainly not.
> 
> 'study it out!'


You are absolutely right. Not everyone who views porn will become addicted.

However it does raise the bar on the viewer's expectations of the looks and performance of the opposite sex to an unrealistic level. 

The argument is that porn has been PROVEN to be highly addictive. We can't predict who will get addicted, but it's dangerous game to play nonetheless. 

If a person has an addictive personality, IMO, they will be a porn addict soon after viewing porn regularly.

Lastly, if the wife or husband voices a complaint about the spouse viewing porn, then that needs to be respected and taken seriously. 

BTW: IMO, viewing porn is disrespectful the the spouse. 

As others have noted. If you can have sex with a warm loving wife, why why why would a person even want to look at porn?

Also, how is being sexually aroused by a sex worker and spending money to view or get a dance from that sex worker NOT robbing your wife of emotional, sexual, financial energy. 

If a man is telling lies to his wife about his porn habit, we have just thrown in deception, too. 

That sounds just like an affair to me.

I am a neuro-psychiatrist, not a talk therapist or a counselor. 

I focus on how the brain functions physically and chemically in relation to behavioral manifestations. 

Psychology in general is a soft science. There are no hard and fast rules. Why? Because people are all too emotionally different and then there is the nature vs nurture issue.



> *Neuropsychiatry is the branch of medicine dealing with mental disorders attributable to diseases of the nervous system. It preceded the current disciplines of psychiatry and neurology, in as much as psychiatrists and neurologists had a common training.
> 
> However, psychiatry and neurology subsequently split apart and are typically practiced separately. Nevertheless, neuropsychiatry has become a growing subspecialty of psychiatry and it is also closely related to the field of behavioral neurology, which is a subspecialty of neurology that addresses clinical problems of cognition and/or behavior caused by brain injury or brain disease.
> 
> ...


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## Insanity (Oct 28, 2013)

Cletus, I have read through this entire thread, and your position on porn has been made abundantly clear. It is also clear that this thread has become a dead end thread, as the original author has departed, leaving two polar points of view to clash on needlessly. 

Clearly, I have a different perspective from yours. I have personally witnessed the fall out in a good number of marriages where a spouse "innocently" began "with just a sip" of porn and years later ended up belly up in the deep end. THAT is MY factual, witnessed reality. So, no one will ever convince me of its innocence or its usefulness. I have heard and witnessed too much destruction from its use. 

And as if the destruction to marriages/relationships is not troubling enough to me, the porn industry has done a serious number on the youth/families. I can't even imagine where society is going to be in just a matter of a few years given what was recently uncovered: Porn is the most pernicious threat facing children today: By ex-lads' mag editor MARTIN DAUBNEY | Mail Online 

So again, you have your point of view. And I have mine. And never will the two poles meet.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Your H's looking at porn has nothing to do with how he feels about you.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think if a man is in a sexless situation, he should tell his wife he is going to use porn straight up...and also he should be man enough to discuss what kind of porn he is watching, if she wants to know. If she is fine with it, doesn't want to know any details...would rather he use porn than "bother her for sex"...then great.

But to hide it from her and act like it is "her fault anyway I have to use it" is horse crap and cowardly.

Doing it openly with your spouse fully knowledgeable...I see no problem with that, at least as far as the marriage goes.

There is still the problem of it causing the man sexual dysfunction, but if he is willing to stay married, not have sex with his wife and have MB as his only sex life...then I suppose him having sexual dysfunction doesn't matter that much.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

By the way...Dr. Glover in the book No More Mr. Nice Guy is where my statements above came from...I didn't come up with that idea (to use it openly or not at all)...he did.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Insanity said:


> So again, you have your point of view. And I have mine. And never will the two poles meet.


I don't discount your opinions nor your personal observations until you post:



> I don't believe it is possible to watch "just a little" porn. I believe it takes a mile if you give it an inch, and before long - its vortex consumes any degree of control one might think they possess over it. It is FAR from innocent.


That opinion is wrong, demonstrably so, for some people. It is indefensible as a universal principle.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

WadeWilson said:


> Porn is in the perspective of one individual, and perspectives obviously may vary... And here's mine...
> 
> *One of the arguments I have been hearing on this thread is that porn hurts some spouses. Why do it if it made your spouse upset?*
> 
> ...


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

This thread has great entertainment value. I give it 2 thumbs up!


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