# Those who stayed, what actions did you do



## Beingpushedaway (Dec 10, 2014)

Right now I have a thread going about my hurt in my marriage. According to some my wife had at a minimum 2 EAs and possibly more. I have major trust issues and am on the verge of leaving. At the same time I have contacted a counselor who basically said he would encourage her to share with me what she is hiding. They have a one-hour session coming up.

In a perfect world (ok, not a perfect world, if it were a perfect world I wouldn't be on this forum) she would come clean. As I mentioned, she had met with a former boyfriend out of town (without telling me about it) and shared with him that she "still had feelings for him). Fast forward to about a year ago and I found out she was trading texts with him. 

As I said, in my mind, at a minimum, this is an EA. She has never agreed to that label. So back to the somewhat perfect world, suppose she meets with the councilor and learns for herself that the best thing she can do for our marriage is tell the truth. What happens then?

If it was a physical affair, how much detail should I know. At a minimum I really want to know how much I was put at risk (my wife has a latex allergy). Is it ok to ask the number of times, types of sex acts, that sort of thing? Is it normal for the guilty party to say something like, "I will share with you everything you want to know?" 

If I stay and I am willing to stick it out, what is a proper boundary? We are already having issues of what is appropriate in a marriage and what is not. We are already having issues about social networking, etc. Prior to all of this, I was never jealous about past relationships. Now, it bothers me that she is FB friends with former lovers (she says she is, but won't say who). Should she remove contact? Is it within my right to ask her to stop contact? 

I found out what I know from snooping at emails and discovering texts she did not delete. She says I was invading her privacy. I say privacy is what you do in the bathroom and this was secrecy? Is it too controlling to read her texts, emails, etc? 

I guess part of my issue is all the lies. I know what I know from being sneaky - something that bothers me that I did that. At the same time, I regret telling her what I found out because I think it drove her into hiding stuff more/better. 

So, should I stay, what actions did those of you that were the cheated on spouse do?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If she won't even admit to what she has done you have a non starter for reconciliation. 

You know what you can put up with but if a successful R is what you want then you need to file for divorce and have her presented. You need to be ready to move forward without her.

She needs to see what her actions or inactions are costing her.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

She's done some sneaky shlt to bring this little drama on. It does not appear that you are some abusive ogre she should be afraid to talk to. You're married. There is no good reason she should not share anything you want to know.

Trust has been violated, she needs to climb off her high horse and answer some questions.

If she has indeed cheated with the guy physically, you call all the shots. Complete openness.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Beingpushedaway said:


> Right now I have a thread going about my hurt in my marriage. According to some my wife had at a minimum 2 EAs and possibly more. I have major trust issues and am on the verge of leaving. At the same time I have contacted a counselor who basically said he would encourage her to share with me what she is hiding. They have a one-hour session coming up.
> 
> In a perfect world (ok, not a perfect world, if it were a perfect world I wouldn't be on this forum) she would come clean. As I mentioned, she had met with a former boyfriend out of town (without telling me about it) and shared with him that she "still had feelings for him). Fast forward to about a year ago and I found out she was trading texts with him.
> 
> ...


If she hadn't been cheating on you, why would she need privacy?:scratchhead:


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Hey beingpushed-

I just read your other thread. It seems like you're among many now when the love diescin a marriage.

My wife said the same thing about outsourcing sex. I know my wife no longer loves me...

Somebody else said it on your other thread...

1) She doesn't love you anymore

2) she doesn't think you will have an affair either because you are too nice or being that she isn't attracted anymore, no other woman will be.

3) you won't stray because you love you kids and the guilt will prevent you from doing that. 

If your wife communicated that she doesn't love you, doesn't want sex, and wants to stay married for the kids...

What would you do?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Pushed away,
There are no hard and fast rules for how everybody reconciles except for one. Both parties must be 100% committed to R. That means that the WS is willing and wanting to do whatever you need to heal. Complete openness, answers to all of your questions, NC with whomever makes you uncomfortable, period.

By complete openness I mean no hidden social media correspondence at all. No hidden texting, emailing, no hidden anything. She becomes as clear as window glass. Passwords to all her accounts, everything. If she is unwilling then she is not sincere about R and you are wasting your time. She will try to have her fun and you as a standby backup.

You need to tell her this straight up and explain what will no longer be tolerated, if she balks then you must immediately file for D and have her served. This may turn her around but it also may not. Either way you cannot stay where you are if you want a real marriage. Good luck.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed would your wife being acting so timid toward you as you are to her?


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## shellgames (Sep 2, 2014)

If you want r don't try it yet she has to want it and be forthright not hiding stuff and only tells you when you find it or ask won't work


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Beingpushedaway said:


> Right now I have a thread going about my hurt in my marriage. According to some my wife had at a minimum 2 EAs and possibly more. I have major trust issues and am on the verge of leaving. At the same time I have contacted a counselor who basically said he would encourage her to share with me what she is hiding. They have a one-hour session coming up.
> 
> In a perfect world (ok, not a perfect world, if it were a perfect world I wouldn't be on this forum) she would come clean. As I mentioned, she had met with a former boyfriend out of town (without telling me about it) and shared with him that she "still had feelings for him). Fast forward to about a year ago and I found out she was trading texts with him.
> 
> ...


I like the quick answer. Privacy is taking a smash in the bathroom, not private communications while she seeks to 'play'


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Trickster said:


> Hey beingpushed-
> 
> If your wife communicated that she doesn't love you, doesn't want sex, and wants to stay married for the kids...
> 
> What would you do?



I'd get my head out of my azz and smell the coffee. People think they are helping their kids by staying together in a loveless relationship. They are not. In fact its often just the opposite. 
You ain't doing the kids any favors my man. You're not capable of raising kids in that type environment and not screw up their programming to some extent. Besides, most folks use the kids as an excuse not to cut the spouse loose.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

NoChoice said:


> Both parties must be 100% committed to R. That means that the WS is willing and wanting to do whatever you need to heal


Absolutely true. The only problem is what I've been harping on since day one and I believe the stats support my contentions. When a woman starts expressing interest in other men it means she has lost romantic interest in you. The "save the marriage" reconciliation does not work because her romantic interest level in you has not returned, and probably will not return. Folks here fail to remember that reconciliation not only requires full disclosure, etc., but the return of a certain level of romantic interest to keep her from wondering what a life without you in it has to offer. Hence, why you see followup threads saying, "no sex since R", "former wayward spouse still showing suspicious behavior", and the like.
Additionally, when a spouse seeks and/or demands "privacy" beyond personal hygiene sort of stuff already mentioned, it means they want to do something you wouldn't approve of. 
If there is such a thing as a successful reconciliation, its beginning is a situation where the offending spouse seeks it. Most often when the BS maneuvers and importunes to reconcile, they are pissing up a rope and positioning themselves for another disappointment. 
Remember you can sometimes do things that compel someone to stay with you. But you can't make them love, desire, and be loyal.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What did I do? Rugswept.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Beingpushedaway said:


> So, should I stay, what actions did those of you that were the cheated on spouse do?


Before you make any decisions there is a book that I think will help you: "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. The book goes through things like what you need to know, what you need for her to do if there is any chance at all to rebuild your relationship.

If I were you, after reading the SAA book, and that counseling meeting where she is supposed to start opening up, I would insist that she work through the following books with you, chapter by chapter, doing that work the book lays out. 

It is completely possible to rebuild your relationship. It takes work from the two of you.

Most people who cheat do not share much with the BS at first. They tell the least that they have to. But over time she will have to tell you what went on.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Beingpushedaway

Your spouse and yourself are not ready for R. You need to know the extent of the affair, she met her old boyfriend who she still had feelings for. She won't tell you anything, has past lovers as friends on facebook. You don't ask who they are, you tell her she tells you. If she doesn't say, you have your answer. Past lovers are more important to her than you. Won't share her Facebook message or email. They are of more concern to her than you. Won't tell you about meeting her past lover. He is ahead of you. I'm not being hard on you, I was about sixth in line with my WW. It sucks and it hurts. I didn't have TAM at that time and couldn't figure out what to do. I was getting the gas lighting, I just didn't know it. Who would, this is your spouse, the person who has your back. Your wife has your back like mine did. Not at all. I suggest the standard evidence thread for you. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Pushedaway-

What am I doing


The last time my wife and I had sex was Sept 27. I think I have been sleeping in the extra bed in our daughters playroom for two months now. What I find so odd is that my wife hasn't made a single comment about our new sleeping arrangements. Not a peep.

I have stopped doing her laundry. When I wash clothes, I wash mine and my daughters and leave hers... She says nothing.

I love to cook. Over the past 20 years, I did the majority of the cooking. Even when my wife was a SAHM. Now, When I cook, I cook dishes that I know my wife doesn't like, or I'll put a frozen lasagna dinner in the oven. She thinks she is lactose intolerant. She actually eats it. Maybe I will make a sandwhich....Not a peep...nothing.

When I go grocery shopping, I do my best to not buy some of her favorite foods and snacks that I know she likes. Then she stops off at the store the next day or that evening to get what I "forgot".... No response, no reaction.

I no longer sit on the couch with her for our morning coffee. I sit in the other room or outside on the porch. I no longer care to hear her voice....Again, no response.

I no longer wash her dirty dishes, they stayed in the sink. Now she will rinse them off and put them in the dishwasher...no response....

I am total independent. I can cook, clean, get my daughter up and ready for school, go to work to pay the bills, make dinner, help with homework, vacuum, pick up clutter, laundry (not hers)..All I need is an after school kid sitter for 2 hours...my wife does nothing else for me...Even with her working now, with the money she spends on new clothes, hair, food...she is a liability...

I am working on my exit strategy. My daughter is getting old enough and in a couple of years she can decide who she would want to live with... I want the home... I have put too much into it to walk away from it. 

The crazy thing is... It could be so easy to fix.

My wife doesn't love me and definetely doesn't like sex... I have accepted that.

I no longer have any desire to improve our marriage... 

She pretends that all is just fine.

We still never argue.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I don't like to share so my old lady...she didn't really have any options.

So after I found out about her crap my old lady was well aware that I was going to make sure I wasn't going to continue sharing her with some POS.

It was up to her to decide to stick around and be tracked or tell me to phuck off and pack her sh!T.

My old lady took the hard road and submitted to the *demands* I had for her to stick around.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So ya my actions were dam hard on her...I figure lets see what she was made of.

If I was her plan B...then I was going to be the worst plan to choose from. My thinking was push her away before I get screwed over again. See how much of a fight she had in her to save her marriage.

I laid down some heavy sh!t and she took it.....she did the heavy lifting for what she did to me and that said a lot. I let up...had to for my own sanity.

If it was a false R I would of broken her with in the 1st yr.....its been almost 5 yrs since d day so lets just say I'm semi retired from the cheater police..............

My old lady earned her pardon.

Make no mistake so have I!


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Why do ya'll put up with that crap. All your doing is pissing your life away in a miserable relationship. Nobody's going to give you a reward for doing it and nobody's going to think you're a saint or a hero. The best you're likely to get is, "thank you for being insecure enough to put up with my sh-t." What's it got you so far?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

A physical affair not a deal breaker for you ? Just a confession of a PA is enough for now ?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The reality is most affairs are exit affairs....there is a very good chance that most spouse (not all) will never have that degree of submission to face the consequences to heal a betrayed.

And at he end of the days that's good too....a betrayed can walk away knowing they are not a plan B, and not hang around to get phucked over again in the future.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ThePheonix said:


> Why do ya'll put up with that crap. All your doing is pissing your life away in a miserable relationship. Nobody's going to give you a reward for doing it and nobody's going to think you're a saint or a hero. The best you're likely to get is, "thank you for being insecure enough to put up with my sh-t." What's it got you so far?


In my case I have seen enough snot run out of my old ladies nose while she is laying on the floor with my boot on her chest to give her a second chance....hell in my case my old lady has gotten enough black eyes from me...I figure I'll take one from her.

Actually if you count all the guys she phucked it was more then one "black eye".


My point is when you spend more then 15 yrs of marriage beating people up, taking sh!t from others, going to jail and getting shot at ....as a couple you just got to get your sh!t together and figure sh!t out.

Those days are long gone...hell we are one of the few people we know that actually get to see our grand kids.

So ya me and the old lady stuck it out....went through some hell and back.

@TP, I wish I had a better answer to your question, but in our case I'll chuck it up to a higher power!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry for the threadjack OP!

Only you can decide what kind of action you take (but they do need consquences) and at the end of the day it will always be a risk if they screw you over again or not.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

Beingpushedaway said:


> If it was a physical affair, how much detail should I know


If it was a physical affair wouldn't that end the marriage for you? 

She cheated and lies to you, do you feel you'd be able to trust her? I've read your previous posts and almost feel sorry for you.

You had to find out through your own investigations about her actions. She was hiding the truth from you and probably would never have told you, all the while making it seem like the deterioration of your marriage is your fault. In my opinion you have been too passive and unreactive in dealing with her questionable behaviour.

Your wife has been lying to you, gaslighting and rewriting your marital history.

The reason your sex life has suffered as you've mentioned previously is because of your wife's affairs, whether emotional or physical. Her affections and attentions are directed towards someone else. In her mind, being intimate with you was a betrayal to her affair partner(s).

You have trust issues because your wife is untrustworthy and a liar. You should leave and do the 180.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Locke.Stratos said:


> Your wife has been lying to you, gaslighting and rewriting your marital history.
> 
> The reason your sex life has suffered as you've mentioned previously is because of your wife's affairs, whether emotional or physical. Her affections and attentions are directed towards someone else. *In her mind, being intimate with you was a betrayal to her affair partner(s).*
> 
> You have trust issues because your wife is untrustworthy and a liar. You should leave and do the 180.


:iagree:


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Locke.Stratos said:


> Her affections and attentions are directed towards someone else. In her mind, being intimate with you was a betrayal to her affair partner(s).


Goes to what I was saying, a woman doesn't betray a man she has a high romantic interest in. In this case, it ain't you dawg.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Beingpushedaway said:


> As I mentioned, she had *met with a former boyfriend out of town (without telling me about it)* and shared with him that she "still had feelings for him).


So, she met a former lover, out of town(hotel?) and you think that it was probably just an EA?...

Trips away from home and staying at hotels is when ONS's happen the most.

She can get p1ssed about you invading her "privacy" all she wants, but if she wasn't sneaking around behind your back(EA and very possibly a ONS) you wouldn't have had to read her texts, etc. to begin with.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I felt like I needed to know everything before I could move on. My H told me all the gory details. & for me I had to know. If he hadn't of been willing to do that I couldn't stayed with him, But everybody is different. Make sure that's what you really want & if it is then she should tell you anything you want to know. Just remember you can't un-hear it.


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