# Is the Truth always better?



## airport (Mar 5, 2010)

Hello,

I've been married for two years. When I was engaged, there was another woman whom I was secretly interested in, and had been for years. We were college friends, but never dated as she always had a boyfriend.

The summer before my wedding, she was in town, and we went out with friends. At the end of the night, she kissed me, and I kissed her back and enjoyed it. I stopped it there. That was it, end of story. 

Now that my wife and I are trying to have a child, I have a very strong urge to be honest and tell her this, to get everythign out. Is it worth telling her about this kiss? But maybe that's selfish on my part, and will only hurt her with no positive outcome?

Thank you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't believe in a relationship with secrets. How can it flourish, if you are forever more trying to make sure she doesn't know your secret? It is affecting who you are. And she is supposed to be the one person in the world who will accept you as you are, faults and all (except your mother, of course). If she can't, is the love really there?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

What kind of person is your wife? Is she OVERLY sensitive, prone to jealously over little things? I guess this is more than a little thing since you were engaged. 

If you told her this, would she take it very very personal, or does she let things slide off of her because she is totally confident in who she is, and what your marraige is made of? 

But then, what about *your* feelings, why do you have such a strong urge to tell her-now? Are you sure you are not struggling thinking about this past woman? 

I am all for letting it ALL hang out, tell each other *everything* there is to tell !! I even tell my husband if I think the Roofer is HOT, which I did the other day. We are just that way with each other. 

But not every marraige can be this way, sometimes people get hurt feelings and you don't want to bring that on unneccesarily, if this would Cut her like a knife. If you do, just make sure you plan your words carefully so she knows you Love her above all and only was feeling guilty. Be prepared to give her a ton of validation afterwards, also for her to be upset, disappointed & probably alot of questions.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Sun Tzu, in _The Art of War_, wrote "Take no action unless there is advantage to it." Who benefits, and how much, if you tell your wife?

You should not _lie_ in any important relationship, but something that isn't going to affect the relationship going forward doesn't always need to be discussed.

If this is something that you think your wife can act on in an important way (say, dumping you before she has kids with you), or that will make her happier or her life better, then you tell her. If it will upset her to no purpose, then maybe you should keep it to yourself.

If you're telling your wife about this to make _you_ feel better at the expense of making _her_ feel worse, then you should keep your mouth shut. If you're telling her for some reason that involves making _her_ better off, then you should probably tell.


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## DeeKay1 (Mar 3, 2010)

Hello Airport,

I found out about my wife's sexual past nearly eleven years after we were married. Admittedly, I am a very sensitive person, so, when I heard about it, it devasted me. It created bad moments in our marriage, so, in retrospect I honestly wish I knew nothing about her sexual past.

Obviously, kissing someone is much different than having sex with them, so the two situations are not the same. But, if your wife is the sensitive and jealous type, you could be opening up a can of worms by telling her. Your disclosure of this information could result in her feeling angry, jealous, sad, and perhaps most significantly, she may develop feelings of mistrust toward you.

Remember, relationships are built on trust, and if she ends up not trusting you because of your bad judgement you exercised while you were engaged, she might have legitimate concerns about trusting you as her husband.

If you're feeling guilty about it, tell it to a counselor or close friend, just to get it off your chest. If you are religious, go to a priest and confess it or simply confess it to God.


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## prestonspinay (Mar 5, 2010)

Airport,

I have to say the truth is always better even at the time you tell the truth it seems to be hell. Your wife loves you, and no matter how upset she may get she will get over it. I have to say I am easily jealous as a wife but there are times where my husband has told me things from his past and I do get jealous but in the end like maybe a day or two I get over it. Always tell her this "Yes, honey I did kiss her. But honestly honey, it didn't mean anything, your the one I want to spend my life with". (but please mean it). As a wife I see it like yeah he is right he choose me not her, haha I win. But if you don't tell her then that little secret you keep can pile into bigger secrets. So please do yourself the favor and tell her; for she has every right to know. Good luck airport.


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## DeeKay1 (Mar 3, 2010)

prestonspinay said:


> Airport,
> 
> I have to say the truth is always better even at the time you tell the truth it seems to be hell. Your wife loves you, and no matter how upset she may get she will get over it. I have to say I am easily jealous as a wife but there are times where my husband has told me things from his past and I do get jealous but in the end like maybe a day or two I get over it. Always tell her this "Yes, honey I did kiss her. But honestly honey, it didn't mean anything, your the one I want to spend my life with". (but please mean it). As a wife I see it like yeah he is right he choose me not her, haha I win. But if you don't tell her then that little secret you keep can pile into bigger secrets. So please do yourself the favor and tell her; for she has every right to know. Good luck airport.


Remember, not everyone reacts the same way toward the information they receive from a spouse. Yes, one person may get over the "news" after a day or two, while for others it could cause damage to the relationship.

Just the fact that this issue bothers you so much tells me that you're a good man. But don't assume that you wife will automatically be forgiving and understanding if you tell her. Why run the risk?

If your wife had similar secrets and she were to "come clean" and tell you about them, would the new information help or hurt your relationship? Would you be able to view her in exactly the same way you do now, or might you have a different view of her (i.e. not trust her as much as you do now)?


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## chrisbx7 (Mar 5, 2010)

It really depends on the relationship that you have with your wife. I personally can tell my wife anything and I don't feel like she would be mad about something like that.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I respectfully disagree with Artieb. You were engaged to your now wife but had feelings for another woman "was secretly interested in, and had been for years." This wasn't just a kiss in my book. This was a looking for what might be possible. Did/do you view your now wife as Plan B? A kiss is a kiss but your post says something a bit different. Not to go psycho-babble on you here but you saying that now that you and your wife are trying to have a child and you have a strong urge to tell her about this kiss screams to me that your real reason for telling her is that you want to have it out in the open before you add a true committment into your lives. Somebody who will tie you to to your wife forever? Am I understanding you right?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I dont think you should tell her. nothing good will come of it. the important thing is that you are sorry and (hopefully) have changed. that is all that matters.


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## cimunique (Mar 6, 2010)

wow .. most men would not even feel guilty about that. so let me first say i commend u on wanting to tell her this. it show's u have a heart and u r really remorseful . yet i truly believe as a woman that this would be something I would not mind u taking to ur grave. It's sinceless to to tell her now specially when she is really hormonal . if u feel the need to clear ur mind please wait till after the baby , unless it was one of her friends. Then I do see the need to tell her before she hear it from some gossip female. nothing is worser than feeling like others know u r walking around in the dark .


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Agree with some of the other posters and I wouldn't say anything either. It's more for your concscious then hers a clearing for you and many bad thoughts are possible for her. Your gain vs her loss especially if it truly means nothing now.

I've said this many times here..... before my wife and I were married we drank too much on purpose and had a puke fest of everyone we slept with when we broke up, asked all the hard stupid questions, etc etc and it sucked!!!

Alot of that I just didn't need to know and I still hold to that today. If it won't affect me just take it to the grave I'm okay I don't need to know every little thought of lust, indiscretion, white lie, flirting, etc I know where you lay your head, put in your time, where the check goes, and all of that good stuff. 

Good luck!!!


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