# Wife has a rape fantasy but, it's complicated.



## bluwlf.8503 (Jul 5, 2012)

I do like this fantasy. It puts me in complete control with her at my mercy. She's looking for the whole nine... being held down, threatened, choked a little, and even wants me to strike her in the face hard enough to leave a mark. I know that with safe words and a lot of talking and planning, it can be extremely satisfying. 

Here's where it gets complicated. From about the age of 8, my wife was sexually molested and physically abused by her older sister who adamantly denies that any of it ever happened. My wife has mostly moved on but something like that affects you for life. Also, a few years before we met, she was raped by her boyfriend at the time. 

Knowing all of this, I was a little surprised that she fantasizes about this. I talked with her about it and she says that she feels like she needs to face her demons and get the closure she never had and doing this with her husband, who she loves and trusts, would help her do that. 

However, I'm nervous about it because there was a time while we were dating that I just lightly placed my hands around her while during sex and she had a panic attack. Granted this was six years ago and we've done some domination and submission play with no issues since but, never this extreme. 

I'm worried that, though she's turned on by the fantasy and has been very clear in what she does and does not want, she will won't be able to handle it once it's actually happening and the damage will be done before she can get the safe word out of her mouth. 

I'm willing to hear any thoughts, opinions, or ideas on what I can do to she gets what she needs out of this and doesn't wind up worse off for it. I'm planning on scheduling an appointment with a therapist who has a background in treating victims of sexual assault but, I'm in Afghanistan now and won't be home for another three months so, I'm trying to arm myself with as much knowledge as possible before then.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

bluwlf.8503 said:


> I know that with safe words and a lot of talking and planning, it can be extremely satisfying.


I would start by reading Arousal by Dr. Michael Bader. The book talks about what creates arousal and may help her reconcile the sexual trauma and this desire. I would read and discuss the book together and if she is still a go, proceed, very, very slowly.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

The best thing that can happen right now is she needs to be in therapy. Her past issues need to be dealt with. Also I would hold off on this rape fantasy until she had some therapy and then see how she feels about it.


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## bluwlf.8503 (Jul 5, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> The best thing that can happen right now is she needs to be in therapy. Her past issues need to be dealt with. Also I would hold off on this rape fantasy until she had some therapy and then see how she feels about it.


She's been in therapy most of her adult life and, like I said, has mostly moved on. I hear you, though and that's why I want us to go to a therapist as a couple to hash this out. We definitely aren't rushing into this. Thank you for the input.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> The best thing that can happen right now is she needs to be in therapy. Her past issues need to be dealt with. Also I would hold off on this rape fantasy until she had some therapy and then see how she feels about it.


Yes, this. If she hasn't worked with a therapist regarding the childhood molestation and later date rape, she really should do that before trying to act out a rape fantasy. She should also discuss her plan of acting out the rape fantasy with her therapist before doing it. 

Otherwise, there might be repercussions neither of you are prepared for - like her seeing you differently afterward and not being able to see you as her loving husband anymore but a rapist.


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## bluwlf.8503 (Jul 5, 2012)

FormerNiceGuy said:


> I would start by reading Arousal by Dr. Michael Bader. The book talks about what creates arousal and may help her reconcile the sexual trauma and this desire. I would read and discuss the book together and if she is still a go, proceed, very, very slowly.


I'll check that out and have her do the same. Thank you.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

bluwlf.8503 said:


> I'm worried that, though she's turned on by the fantasy and has been very clear in what she does and does not want, she will won't be able to handle it once it's actually happening and the damage will be done before she can get the safe word out of her mouth.



Some people can handle a rape fantasy and some can not. She might be one of those who can not. I could understand maybe someone who hasn't been raped/molested trying that fantasy, BUT IMO, someone who has had those things happen to them, I just don't think they may be able to handle it, even if shes been in therapy or not. I think it could actually backfire and damage them more.


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## bluwlf.8503 (Jul 5, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> Some people can handle a rape fantasy and some can not. She might be one of those who can not. I could understand maybe someone who hasn't been raped/molested trying that fantasy, BUT IMO, someone who has had those things happen to them, I just don't think they may be able to handle it, even if shes been in therapy or not. I think it could actually backfire and damage them more.


I'm with you, here. I told her that it could be kind of like me having a fantasy of sharing her with another man. The idea turns me on a great deal but in reality, I'm far too jealous and I fear it would scar our marriage. However, if there's an honest possibility of bringing her peace through doing this, I owe it to her to look into it, at least.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

bluwlf.8503 said:


> I'm with you, here. I told her that it could be kind of like me having a fantasy of sharing her with another man. The idea turns me on a great deal but in reality, I'm far too jealous and I fear it would scar our marriage. However, if there's an honest possibility of bringing her peace through doing this, I owe it to her to look into it, at least.


If you seek out a therapist who specializes in rape/molestation victims, make sure you tell them this fantasy and ask them if they feel acting it out will help bring her closure. I would be curious to see what their response is. I don't think I would try it unless they tell you it could be a successful thing to try.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

This can mean so many things, but I am no therapist.

Let me get the one bad out of my head first. She may have a victim mentality. She may have been a victim since she was a child, because that is the way her brain functions. I was not there with her as a child and I do not know her personality, but some people really do need to feel like a victim. It's a way for them to get the attention they want. Later in life, especially if she leaves you, you may end up the NEW "ex" that raped her. She may turn this fantasy into something you actually did, especially when talking with others. She may want the physical signs of being abused as something she can show others, she is abused. Be careful.

Ok, now that that is out of the way, let's look at this in something that could be a good thing. She may want to give you herself in the same way others "took" it. She may love you so much, she wants you to experience all of her. She was forced to do things she didn't want to do with them, so now, she is choosing to do it with you. She loves you. She wants you to be everything to her, almost helping to erase what happened to her in the past.

Fantasy and role play in a marriage is great. I love role play, I love fantasies, as long as it's just between you and your wife. No extra people. This is all healthy and fun. It can respark your sex life. You may end up satisfying some inner desire you never knew existed until you try it.


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## bluwlf.8503 (Jul 5, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> If you seek out a therapist who specializes in rape/molestation victims, make sure you tell them this fantasy and ask them if they feel acting it out will help bring her closure. I would be curious to see what their response is. I don't think I would try it unless they tell you it could be a successful thing to try.


I completely agree.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Didn't I see this same post about five months ago?

Troll.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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