# File or not to file???



## brokenwings (Dec 18, 2012)

Unsure what to do, as stated in my previous posts my husband left about 3months ago. I have asked for a divorce throughout this marriage due to how he treated me and not acting like a husband after the first year and a half. Since leaving he has finally said he would agree to one but will do so when he 1. has the money and 2. is ready . 

I emailed him a few prices/ fees. He said he was leaving to go back to the US so I thought doing it whilst he was still here in the UK would of been better/ cost effective and easier for the both of us. Also because when we argued he threatened to sue me when he got to the US and i worried about the consequences. I don't think he will go ahead with it and tbh he has now got his stay over here so suing me would be pointless. He seemed hesitant and said they where too expensive. I have since found the cheapest route going directly through the courts. 3months later nothing has happened. 

I'm in two minds, I still love him I didn't end my marriage cos I didn't love him I let him go because we were both so unhappy. A complete 360 from when we met. And he resisted all types of reconciliation so i gave up. I loved him enough to let him go and be happy putting aside how i truly felt. and because I couldn't take the constant heartache and BS having him around, casting me into the shadows and living his life without me. 

Im realistic about the fact that he may never come back despite leaving most of his important documents ie military papers behind. But I won't deny there's a part of me that would love him to come back and try to work things out. 

In the case that his not coming back (seems highly likely) If i file I like the idea of having the upper hand I.e serving him before he does me. Silly I know but it appeals. ( part of the bi**h he brings out in me  

However financially I can't afford to start the process right now either. I recently got into a lot of debt (self indulgences due to the stress of my marriage falling apart so I did stuff to make me happy. the repayments and cost of living plus having to fix the car my STBX damaged before he left seems never ending and actually exceed my monthly income. I have only started working a full week ( worked part time as i was studying) Within the last 3weeks so in time I know things will change. But any additional money to handle the divorce process is not available right now. And tbh financially I think I have given him way to much over the 7 yrs anyways. It would be good to see him finally spend some money himself. So I don't think him paying for the divorce is such a bad idea. After all he left 

So should I wait for him to serve me? Does it make a difference who files.? Or should I extend my loans and take out more money to pay for a divorce myself??

Please help. Any advice will be appreciated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

If he is the one that checked out then let him file, unless you are just ready to be done. Wait till you have the money and then do it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long were you married?
Do you two have a lot of assets and debts to split? 

If there is not a lot to split you might be able to do it yourself. I don't know about in the UK but here in the USA most courts have self help sections. You might check on line.

I did my own. The whole thing cost me $135.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

this is the same question i ponder...should I file? 'he' left...yes tho..we have a lot of debt...and him quitting paying the bills backs me into a corner...makes me sorta hafta 'sue' him for divorce tohelp with the bills...

then again he wants a divorce anyway...'give him what he wants' right? you see all/most all...but maybe two things are all in my name... i'm getting royally screwed here...

i'm tired...just so tired...and at a loss....part of me doesn't 'want' to file!!!!!! part of me just wants to text him... "sorry hope your not waiting on me to file for divorce since you cut me off financially i can't afford it...your going to have to do it...just so you know..." 

but then again that would be 'hanging on'...would it not??? clingy...yes?? and that's bad bad...right? I think my church would be like...he left..he wants out...let him file...'you don't file'...etc... I'm so confused... 
can brokenwings and I also get more input and clarification on this from you guys? does it matter who files? you guys know my situation...please help...having a bad night.... :"(


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

then again like brokenwings...I want the upperhand if it makes a difference...but don't i have that anyway? he doesn't even have a remote idea how to even figure out our debt...lol...let alone 'file'...how can he 'file' without the acct. numbers and try to split stuff up...he has no clue...no access to anything...or would he just petition to ask for such paperwork...?? if 'he' were to 'file'...

gosh...confused.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> then again like brokenwings...I want the upperhand if it makes a difference...but don't i have that anyway? he doesn't even have a remote idea how to even figure out our debt...lol...let alone 'file'...how can he 'file' without the acct. numbers and try to split stuff up...he has no clue...no access to anything...or would he just petition to ask for such paperwork...?? if 'he' were to 'file'...
> 
> gosh...confused.


I think u will know when it is time to file. Just like I will know too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stella Moon said:


> then again like brokenwings...I want the upperhand if it makes a difference...but don't i have that anyway? he doesn't even have a remote idea how to even figure out our debt...lol...let alone 'file'...how can he 'file' without the acct. numbers and try to split stuff up...he has no clue...no access to anything...or would he just petition to ask for such paperwork...?? if 'he' were to 'file'...
> 
> gosh...confused.


It does not matter legally who files first. But by doing so I think it could give you the upper hand as you can ask for what you want up front. If he’s has not filed yet it probably means that he does not feel it’s in his best interest to do it. Like maybe he knows he will have to help pay the bills. So he’s stalling.

As for all the financial information. See what your attorney wants to do. There is the discovery in which you both, via your attorneys, ask the other for all financial information.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

I am a stay at home mom and never worked throughout our marriage. When I filed, I requested the fees waived. I got all the legal help, free of charge from the court. This whole process cost me zero dollars.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

We make the same wage...work the same job...I pay the bills...he lives for free at his parents house...I think i'mma try and 'get him' to flip the bill or pay half or what have you...lol...

yea...i need to file... yea...i can't sit dormant like this and hang on...i mean a part of me wants too...but it doesn't feel right... not that filing even feels right...lmao... 
dayum...i need a shot...


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## timeforpain (Apr 29, 2012)

Most of what I know is for Colorado USA and may not pertain to you. Also, I am not a lawyer.

Attorneys have told me it doesn't matter who files first, though there might be a psychological advantage (ie, that you are the aggrieved party).

There are a lot of places that assist couples in distress who cannot afford a divorce. Some of them provide legal assistant at drastically reduced rates or for free.

You didn't mention if you have a lot of assets or children?! Many couples who have not been married long, don't have a lot of assets or debt, and who don't have kids will just do the divorce themselves for a minimal fee (filings fees and such).

In most states, after you file the initial paper asking for divorce, the court gives a deadline that requires both of you to respond with complete financial disclosures. So even if you don't know what your husband's assets are, he would have to disclose them.

Some spouses may not respond at all to the petition for divorce, but this gives you the ability (after some time) to proceed with the divorce without him anyway.

Best of luck.


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## brokenwings (Dec 18, 2012)

Thank you all for your replies as this has been weighing heavily on my mind. I am fairly private even with my family so aside from my mum ,and even she does not talk about it much lol sometimes you wonder if she was the wife instead of me as she hurts also I don't have anyone to talk too. 

I asked my old school uncle (his nearly 70) who knows very little about what happened only that my STBX is out of the picture, what he thought yday and I was surprised when he said not to file. Was unsure to whether its because he to was served when he was in his early 30s/ they both remained friends and he still sees her frequently to this day / he agrees that I wasted so much money already/ and seeing that I had no intentions getting married soon there would be no point/ I was free to carry on my life and a piece of paper stating I was not married made little difference, ( unless I was lucky to get the chance to marry again) , as he said it I sensed he still loved her 

Financially we thankfully share no joint debt, no property no children or anything else If we did I'm certain he would of been making my life hell like he is with my mum. (Another thread). So in essence it would be very straightforward 

I have reviewed the cost via the courts and its in the region of £400. He could handle this cost with 1 weekly wage so idk whats the reason nothings happened yet. Idk much about how it's done but i come home each day dreading I'd receive mail stating I've been served and his ready to go thru with it. (Pathetic but true) I know what I need to do yet I'm torn I am still very confused. Sorry !!! even with everyones fab advice . For the time begin I will leave things as there are and wait things out I'm sure when his ready it will happen :/ thank you for your input as always it is appreciated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokenwings (Dec 18, 2012)

Stella moon I am so sorry you are going this, I'm sorry for all of us that have to go thru this past and present ((((HUGS)))) 

have you managed to get able free legal advice on what to do with your debt? Or talking to your husband in order to split the debt amicable ?? I know you don't want to divorce just like me, but having joint debt is an added stress you don't need right now it's hard I'm not really in the right state of mind to advise Hun as I'm in the same boat as you. Just know that if you need to vent chat whatever I'm here to listen and help if I can
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I see an atty. this friday...it will be a 4hr visit...as much as possible will be done...filed. I am backed into a corner...I need to get this resolved because of debt or it all falls onto me. He wants me to do it. He wants the divorce and expects me to take care of it..and if i start it perhaps I can have some kind of upper hand...I don't know... 
do i want to do it? 

no. 

but what I want I'm not getting...so this is indeed the alternative...he wants out. I cant compete with that...


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

when in doubt, file. the people that don't get ground into dust.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Orpheus said:


> when in doubt, file. the people that don't get ground into dust.


ok


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