# Separation Help



## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Ok. Long story short, I pushed my wife away with the no affection thing and she cheated. 

She's cut contact. Got her a phone (only had 1 phone for a long time) ... cut to the chase. 

Forget the past. My wife and I have a big history kinda thing here and it's one of those situations that is SUPER hard to tell on here. 

Here's our Dilemma. Long story short (again) we're talking about things. We both don't really want a Divorce. She holds my hand and tells me she loves me, she'll ALWAYS love me, even through the worst of the worst of fights and drama sessions (not a lot of them either) but she said the ONLY reason for her issues, is that she loves me, but the "feelings" she thinks she should have isn't there. She's not "attracted" to me. She said if she had that, there wouldn't be a problem. Now, we did determine that she only lost the attraction after the blow up fight and her cheating. But she swears she doesn't want another man. I'm trying to be trusting and believe her. 

WHAT do you do, if you both act like you want to work on the marriage and you're separated, (same house, HUGE building, old church in fact) and she's working on the attraction thing? What can I do? Are there any universal tricks to help out? 

Thanks and I really do want to forgive and try to fix my family. 
Dewayne


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Are you guys attending MC?


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Can't afford it at this moment, but she didn't want to last time we talked about it.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Talked to her tonight again and she didn't really say no to it again just that she's needing space to "feel" things out. I know that the last time we had a fight and she actually served me papers, in a few weeks of trying to give her time we were actually working on things quite well. 

Tonight, I let her go out and spend some time iwth her teen girlfriend. They went to WM and bought stuff for the after party and hung out at Mcdonalds etc. What little she said they talked about "us" was how she was being a b.tch to me and made me cry. YAYA shaddup. lol. But she was saying how she was so mean etc. and how she didn't mean to be. 

She said she wants the Divorce to be my decision. SHe said she wants time to try and figure herself out, and see about "fixing" or trying to fix our marriage. She still said the main thing is she's not really attracted to me and she doesn't know why during the fight she had lost it. So yeah, still needing advice on what I can work on/ do. 
Thanks,

Dewayn


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> She said she wants the Divorce to be my decision.


So she gets to bypass the feeling of guilt.

Do the 180, Dewayne. Cut off all contact with her. Push her into a corner where SHE has to make the decision. 

IMO, even if she does decide that she wants to reconcile, you guys really need to look into IC and MC. You cannot simply sweep the issues under the rug and hope for the best. You'll be back in this situation in less than six months. I'm speaking from personal experience.

Good luck, hon.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

No, I'm not sweeping anything under the rug. That aint happening! 

However, I did do somethings today. I Cleaned the house, did all .. ALL of the laundry, put the laundry up, removed all my things from her room. Clothes, movies, shoes, everything and moved them to my theater "Dog House" She went to see a girl friend of hers that's having issues Sund. night. Tonight she went to see her nephew and they saw a movie and hung out a bit and came home. 

I barely texted her. She came home, saw everything I did and came and gave me a big huge and a kiss and said thank you. I accepted, but was short and pulled away afterwards. 

SHe then asked if she could groom me. I had eye brow hairs needing plucked, so I let her... I pulled my hand away from her leg when it got close. She would ask questions and I was short with her, but all being nice. 

Ended up in the kitchen together and she was hungry so I made her a glass of milk adn handed it to her, the look she gave me was the same ol girl. I didn't bite 

So then I went to the computer (close to her room) and she asked me to come in there (her room) and I did. She talked a bit, I answered shortly and nicely and then she asked if I wanted Jordan (daughter) to sleep with me or her. I said it didn't matter. Whatever she wanted. So I popped up and said "you know, I'll sleep with her, she's already in there" She barely let me finish and she said "no, I'll sleep in there, you can have the bed. You been sleeping too much in there. Besides, it'll be nice to have a change" I refused and went to bed. 

I'm holding my composure. I'm giving her her space and all, and stopped the pleading etc. 

I think I made a breakthrough. However, I feel my heart slowly repairing itself. So now's the question, when it's done, or ready, waht will my heart say? Want? Will it say "Screw her and kick her arse to the curb!?" Or worse? 

We will see I suppose. We will see. 

Thanks SCsweety. BTW, ANY fight we had, when we got "better" it stayed ok for years each time. if it means anything. BUT! I ddin't have a life changing split last time or two either. This time I REALIZE what kinda husband / person I was and now I"m working on it all.


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Good for you, honey! Keep up the good work!


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Failed... again. Fell into a trap. Yesterday she started "coming more and more open" and started grabbing my hand etc. THEN she got fired today. So we came home, I held her and she cried on my shoulder. She did say she didn't know if she wanted to be held or not. But I stood there in front of her on the bed and she got up and said "Poor guy, don't know what to do..." and gave me a hug and pulled me to the bed. 

Then we decided to go eat. I took her to Cheddars and had a steak etc. On the way there seh was playing with my hair and back of my neck. Held my hand. Put her arm around my back, etc. 

She has a drink, seh takes 2 DRINKS of a landslide (mudslide) marg. thing, she doesn't drink but she wasn't feeling anything. She said "you're just hard up, you want me to drink this" and made 2 or 3 other remarks, before getting drunk. 

We get home, she's buzzed pretty good and we start watching Monte Python's quest for the holy grail. She starts flirting. So I flirt back, I'm thinking "yay, we're getting somewhere.... " THEN! 
She pushes my hand off her belly. I said ok, wth. So I start playing with her leg (she was rubbing mine) and I played with her butt a little. She was enjoying it then BAM! Does it again. so I asked if she wanted me to stop...s he said "YES!... wait, no!... YES... I don't know..."

Then she tells me she's not happy, can't trust me because of 11 bad years etc. Then said "I'm a horrible wife, why you wanting to be with me, I've done horrible things, RECENTLY... why are you even still here..."

So I told her I loved her and that was why and we stopped everything there. She sobered up quickly and that was it. She fell asleep and I took her new phone. She had been deleting every text sent and received as they come and go. Nothing was in inbox and there's no deleted folder to go through. She's STILL hiding something isn't she? 

I called her old friend. She was texting during the movie etc. I asked "is that scarlett?" another one of her friends, and she said "yea" 

When I lookeda t the phone, there was 2 or 3 msgs to that old guy friend of hers. So I called him. He said he'd been divorced 4 times and he's not a home wrecker and would send me all the texts to my phone... hasn't done it yet. He seemed legitimately concerned but yeah, b/s I figure. 

O well I think I'll take my baby and go to the lawyer tomorrow.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I think I'll run her over today... wutchya think? lol. I can always say she just ran out in front of me 


Seriously tho I just reread my post. GD I'm an idiot. 

He did send a few texts to my phone, but the big thing is, he's been texting her ALL MORNING AND DAY. . . . 

However, he's telling her how much I love her etc. Telling her she needs to think straight and pay attention to what she's got. She opened up to me this morning. She cried a bit and said that I never let her go anywhere or do anything. I told her "Honey, you haven't wanted to! You really don't have any friends to go do things with and that's not true anyways, I let you go out with Brittany many times and then Crystal etc... " But either way, she didn't really ever want to go do anything like that. NOW, I think she's just saying that because since the teens came over, she was always wanting to go over there and I told her "Um.. NO... dumbazz" lol. (the dumbazz part is where I'm a jerk at. I called her that many times.... again I'm an idiot.)

Is anyone even still reading my stuff? Either way it's making me feel better. I got my anger under control and I"m still doing my therapy exercises etc. I just need to let her go and do her own thing I guess. Try to find me someone to snuggle up to in the time being. 

Dewayne


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Quit engaging her.

Don't stick around when she's drinking.

Start living your own life and doing your own thing. Quit staying at home when you dont need to be there. Get out and run, work out, hang with buddies. Start dressing nicer, start doing things without her.

START MOVING ON with your life. Quit waiting to see how she is going to react. 

Re-read the 180.

Then read it again. 

Then read it again. 

You're not even doing a quarter of the 180 list, or you would have never allowed her to drag you into that pointless conversation. Fact is, she still has the other guy on her mind, and until he is out of the picture there will be no reconcilliation between you and her. Period.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Yeah, going to find my sheet again 

. I suck. lol.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Quit engaging her.
> 
> Don't stick around when she's drinking.
> 
> ...


I can't tell you how important it is that you follow this advice.

Your sanity depends on it.

The love you, but no attraction shows how thick in the fog she is.

Until they can figure out that what they what they are experiencing is the dopamine rush of an affair, you can't get to her.

She may never figure that out either.

That's why you need to 180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> Yeah, going to find my sheet again
> 
> . I suck. lol.


QUIT SAYING THAT!

You are a good man, man who deserves better than how she is treating you. 

Until you start believeing that truth and living that truth you will never get her to believe it. 

The 180 is NOT NORMAL. It goes against everything our society teaches people about how to deal with troublesome spouses. But it works Dewayne, but only if you work it. 

Get off your pity pot and start working your recovery. Let your WW do what she is going to do. 

No more touching...

No more kissing...

No more hugs...

No more flirting...

No more "us" activities with her.... 

No more instigating conversations. Period.

She wanted separation and space? Give it to her. 

Be polite but cool, friendly but detached, completely independent. 

Treat her like a piece of furniture or a plant.


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Amen to bandit and spun's advice.

Dewayne, I told you the other day, she is cake eating - straight up. 

Take the cake away.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I'll try again guys. So freakin hard. Thanks for the support. 

Dewayne


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

And none of that means to be mean or snotty to her. 

Smile when you are around, sing to yourself as your puttering around the house, be cheerful. Even if its all an act and you feel the exact opposite. 

Fake it till you make it. Do things that will take your mind off of her and off your situation. 

You have made your demands clearly, set your boundaries, now enforce them.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I've packed up a bit and going to my mothers for a while. When I get back she's going to move to her brother's place down the road. 

We'll see how this goes. It's gonna be soo friggin hard for me, I don't know if I can handle it. 

Dewayne


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> I'll try again guys. So freakin hard. Thanks for the support.
> 
> Dewayne


Yes.

But...

It will be orders of magnitude harder if you let her sit on the fence and have her cake.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Her you go champ. From the book "Stop Your Divorce" by Homer McDonald, here is the best advice you'll find without going to MC or IC.

*“My wife says she doesn’t love me the way a wife should”*

A common complaint that I hear fraom the husband is “My wife says that she doesn’t love me the way a wife should.” Her attitude should be “I don’t love you the way I could, so I’m going to see what I can do about that. I’ll do what it takes to improve in that department.” But again, it’s showing her immaturity. “I don’t love you the way a wife should, therefore I’m with the wrong guy, therefore we should separate.”

Again, the solution is always the same. Act happy, agree, enjoy others. Act happy, agree, and enjoy others. “I agree that we could be more loving. You’re right. Maybe having a little more space between the two of us or a separation could help our relationship. You could be right.” 

I wonder if there are people who take that in a constructive way. Here, we’ll say, is a mature wife. She says, “Well, I don’t love my husband like I would like to, so let me see what I can do, like talking with him and doing new activities.” She takes it as a problem that they can handle. She takes it as a challenge. She takes it in a constructive way. “The love isn’t there as much as I would like for it to be there, so I’m going to get busy and put it there.” But you see, when a man is being rejected by, separated from or being divorced by his wife, she never thinks of that possibility.

It makes me think of a kind of formula that I hit on. For sixty years, I have been studying history and philosophy at ten different universities. I came on the idea that first mankind believed in magic. When he had fears, like fears of wild animals, fears of nature, they didn’t understand that. It must have scared him very much. So he dreamed up magic to help him cope with that. For example, the Indian rain dance. We can call it wishful thinking.

We wish that the Indian rain dance would produce rain. So gradually, magic gave birth to the belief in religion. For example, we hear the church bells on Sunday and we get a good feeling about it all. And we don’t know that the first church bells were for the purpose of scaring away demons, showing a belief in magic. Of course, we have some charming examples of belief in magic, like mascots at football fields and things like that.

And gradually, the belief in religion gave birth to abstract philosophy. And gradually, abstract philosophy gave birth to pragmatic philosophy and the scientific approach was discovered, in which we observe facts, face facts, and change our wishful thinking to fit the facts.

Now, the magical way of thinking is, “Oh, the love isn’t there. It just isn’t there. It’s like two people standing with folded arms, one on each side of the dining table and they’re saying, “The meal isn’t cooked yet.” We’re the cooks. If the love isn’t there, let’s see what we can do to put it there. And of course, I give familiar suggestions to the husband who has called me, about how to get her to put the love there. All the regular things that I recommend, act happy, enjoy others, give her plenty of space, always agree with her, those make her fall in love with him because he’s pulling away.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Thanks for that. 

However I feel it's too late. 

I came to my mother's place and had a slap to the face while having another anxiety attack. I shouldn't be here. 

I'm going home in a bit, I'm going to tell her politely to pack her sh.t and go to her brother's while I take care of everything. 

I'm so sick of this. Listen to this. 

We were on our way to drop my wife off and I was taking our girl to my mom's. On the way to the house, wife and I were talking. SHE CAME UP with the fact that we moved our anniversary to halloween. Then she made a remark that "So do I have a bit more time?" Or to that affect. We then started talking about things we would improve if we stayed together... all the way from scheduled dinners once a month or week to sit and talk about things on our mind to even sex. Like she played with my nails and asked me to scratch her back. So I started to move my arm to scratch her back and she said "Noooo... "Sccrraaatcchh" my back... during..." Yeah. SHE DID THIS! This is more of her antics I think to bide more time. 

I'm sick to my stomach at this point. I'm telling myself every 2 min's that it's done, go file. Go File.> GO FILE I DON"T NEED HER ANYMORE!!

I'll need more support, I'm havnig a really tough time so please keep posting if you guys want to say something. 

Thanks,

Dewayne


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Do tell her to leave.

Do not back down.

Do not appear sad or disheveled.

Be confident and stern with your words, appearing to be at peace with it all. 

She's using sex to keep you on your toes. Let her know you are not okay with that. 

Whatever you do, REFUSE to be the victim. No pity parties for Dewayne, no tears in front of her, no "I love you so much" when she talks to you. 

You got this.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I told her to leave. She fought then asked for Divorce. Said she doesn't "love" me like that anymore. 


It's over. Today is our Anniversary, and this is my gift from her. 


I think I'll go find a speeding train 

Dewayne


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> I told her to leave. She fought then asked for Divorce. Said she doesn't "love" me like that anymore.


You took her cake away, you mean man. Now, she doesn't love you anymore.

Funny how that works, ain't it?

Keep it up, Dewayne. 

The grass isn't greener on the other side (for her).


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Well, she HAD been saying that she loved me but not like "that" anymore for a while.

I'm staying till sunday and once the hearse gets fixed (billboard for the haunted house) I'm going back to my mother's for the week. I'll drive it around down there for advertisement. That town is 3x's the size we're in and only 20 min's away. This will also give her some time. I'll completely not text or call at all during that week. 

She admitted to only saying Divorce earlier when we were working on pumpkins, that it was because I gave her the ultimatum. She hasn't texted anyone yet that she decided on that. She tells everyone everything, so I'm thinking it may be a "plan"? But also, that could be my mind's way of having hope to deal with it. 

I can't help but to see myself having to pick up lil JoJo every other week at the daycare etc. Not being able to say goodnight to her everynight bothers me. 

It's hard but we have to get through it. 

SCsweety, thank you for the support. It helps. 

Dewayne


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Question. If she really is just wanting to be alone. NOT wanting someone else, even tho she said she's contemplated Divorce a few times, would giving her space help you think? I mean like next week?

I know the girl and at this point I think she just really wants to be alone. At least for a while. She mentioned I drove her crazy in the last few weeks. 

Point of no return or no? I'm sorry. Just couldn't sleep and having a rough time again. I tried getting on a few dating sites, thinking it would help, but it's not. 

I guess I'm just looking for hope that the space and real... REAL time apart will help. If I can get her to miss me just a bit maye she can give me a chance. Sound like a loon again I know. I'm sorry. It just hurts soooo frkin much still. She said something about me on the dating sites, said "no it doesn't bother me" then she said "Well, I say that, I'll let you know if it does" I just wanna stop the hurt but I really do want to fix my marriage.


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

You have to stop focusing on her. 

She is not going to come back (changed) to a weak man that begs for her. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Cut her off. Stop worrying about her. Work on YOU. Read some self-help literature on codependency. Just Google it and click on links. I've seen several of the vets, on TAM, recommend No More Mr. Nice Guy as a great read. Find some hobbies, hang out with friends, exercise, go on a little road trip. Do anything, but leave her alone. 

You have to make her miss you.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I'm not a great reader and I tried the No more mr. nice guy but I didn't make a whole lot of sense out of it. It blabbed on and on before I got any slaps to the face, ya know? I'm not ignorant but ... well slow I guess lol. 

I know. I KNOW... but dammit... everywhere I go... I see or think of crap like .. laundry. Mine's separated now and when I see my jeans in with her clothes it makes me feel horrible. We go to Lowe's and see yard decor... like today I started saying "you know we should go old school halloween on our yar.... " Then I remembered. 

:SDKLJGASDJIOPSDJGIOSDJGOH I need to graba hold of myself. 

What gets me is when I came back yesterday (anniversary) I was letting her know I was ok with her going to her brother's. Then she said "No, I thot about it and I'm not leaving" I was like WTH man seriously? Then she thot a bit I talked a bit, and she said "I want it done. I want a divorce" Then later she talked about how if I had just given her the time in the first place we'd probably be ok. 

I was just too scared. PETRIFIED... like a deer in headlights... seriously that frightened to lose my family. 

All my good friends are (few) busy. No time for me. Would be here if they could but can't. I don't like any of my hobbies because they remind me of her. 

I'll do my best sweety, thank you for keeping up with me. I REALLY need the support. 

Thanks


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I don't blame you for not liking No More Mr. Nice Guy. That book is just another off the shelf self-help POS that goes to great lengths to tell you how much you and all other nice guys suck, before then telling you all the ways their program can help you. Read the parts on how it tells you you're at fault and you'll understand. It's the same methods cults use to recruit new members.

Instead of taking everything internally and thinking her infidelity is your fault for being "weak" or a "nice guy" focus on her personality and what she did to the detriment of your relationship. She made the decision to cheat instead of telling you that her needs weren't being met. She decided to lie to you and tell you she wanted to work on the relationship so long as you did what she wanted. 

Instead of focusing on how you're supposed to be anything other than a nice guy and how she made you into a wussy...... stop and think, "maybe she has something wrong with her and she was never going to be happy no matter what I did". Your wife seems to me to be very immature and she's looking for you to make her happy, to be in charge of her feelings. That my friend isn't marriage that's emotional abuse. "I'm not happy..... so it's all your fault!".

You don't need to read a single book here, although they will help you understand, you just need to act happy and remain consistent in your behavior. You're going to have to be adult enough for both of you so be prepared to see her break down and then try to tell you on how happy she is leaving you before throwing a tantrum. The adult in you knows she just as much of an emotional wreck as you are but she doesn't know what to think. You do. You know divorce won't make her happy and she's going to miss you no matter what. Chances are you'll end up back together before her affair ends..... but only if you follow the 180 and the advice of this board to a T.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I know guys. I'm trying. It's just so hard. I know, broken record right? I'm focusing on it tonight. We closed the haunt down at 11:30 with only 87 people. Not the 200 we needed. The haunt's doing HALF of what it needs to succeed. Well, enough to last till next year anyways. So yeah, bad night already. Then she admitted to being moody and I SAW her give money to the OM tonight. No, they didn't talk much and stayed away and OM is flirting with my actress that I have on my drill table, so I am pretty sure their fling is over. 

My wife IS an emotional wreck. She's just trying to be strong and such. She is going through as much as I am she's just being affected by it differently. I think she still wants to live her teen years, although she says she doesn't. 

I pissed her off with the money thing. I mean I coulda SWORN I saw her hand him a square fold of money. I asked what that was and she said "NOTHING" (i whispered and she said her answer outloud hatefully) so I got defensive and I said "Bullsh.t I saw you give him money, that's NOT NOTHING" I asked him to pull his hands out of pocket.... 2 20's folded up. She said "he was just giving me my lighter back dammit argel" (that's my real name, Argel) 

So yeah she admitted to being moody and said that the money he had was from his mom because he has her car. Anyways, Yeah, I was on set tonight and it like slapped me in the face.> WTF am I doing wanting this woman still? So I'ma hopefully have more sauce to stay on my 180 and keep it up. I need to so badly. 

Thanks again guys. 

Dewayne


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I think I know the reason why the 180 didn't work for me. Because I didn't believe it! One of my issues was I was manipulative. I would say certain things, to pull a response frm someone on a different subject entirely just to get my answer. things like that. Well I'm not like that anymore so the thing is, IT WASN'T REAL! So, I think I was having trouble with it. 

Now? I think it's clicked. I hope it has. I feel much better this morning and I truly want to love myself and be happy with myself no matter what. I got to thinking about everything in this ordeal, and it's just not worth it anymore. SHE's the one that had the problem and used EVERY, LITTLE, ISSUE as an excuse to do what she wanted to do. 

Her name is on the lease, so I can't force her to leave but I can ignore the FK OUT OF HER. But, I won't be rude, I'll just be passive and let her go on her merry way. She's a cheating *****. Plain and simple. You're right, SHE chose to cheat, instead of trying harder to reach me in conversation. HER FAULT! Not mine. I'm willing to change everything now, and be a better person for myself first, and she's still wanting to throw away 11 years and a great family? Ehh. She aint right in the head. 

Ohh btw.. I also know that she IS losing her friends. THey're doing less with her, adn the volunteers that she use to hang with, are leaving her alone because they're tired of her b/s and talking about the drama all the time. SHE'S DEPRESSED NOW because of this, and I know it. So great timing, hopefully she'll feel like sh.t afterwards and have a taste of her own medicine. 

Thanks guys. I'll need some support as I try to keep my head up in this.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Well I'm hitting the 180, and I think it's real and I believe that it's gonna be what we need. My wife is being retarded. Her head aint screwed on right and I'm tired of it. I can stick by the woman I love only for so long through mud and muck. 

She wont leave so I am. I can't stand it anymore. I'm packing my things and leaving the haunt to her. I'm taking the truck and she can have everything else. She's wanting to put the bills before our family / Divorce and this is B/S! Should be family first and then figure out the problems. I'm on the back burner and this is stupid. 


I'll probably be at my mom's for a while, she has internet so please, show your support still and let me know what you think. I'll keep an eye out and try to update my progress / regression as it happens. but right now, I think I just want out of this mess. 

Dewayne


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Ok, I can understand why you feel the need to leave but I think you're being immature about this. You want your wife to choose you over the OM and want to be your wife again, but you're not even showing her a husband she would want to be around. You're telling yourself "I am helpless in the face of my feelings. I'm hurt and I can't do anything about it...... she deserves to hurt as much as I do". 

I don't want to get all military on you but I'm afraid I have to..... Grow the f*ck up and be a man! You're too damn old to be acting helpless and letting this woman get away from you. You've got a good woman there. I don't care what you say about her cheating..... she's still there isn't she? She didn't leave you for some sweaty numbskull in a wife beater and a backwards cap who couldn't give a sh!t about your children. She's miserable and beating herself up a lot worse than anything you could ever say or do to her. And You're not showing her anything but sh!tty attitude and gult trips.

You get your ass back in there and show your kids a man who cares about them and you show your wife the happy man she wanted to marry in the first place. Quit all this complaining about who's right and who's wrong and just focus on being someone your wife would want to be around more often. And get out of your mom's house. What's the matter with you? You're a grown man and need to stop going to mommy for emotional support. You need to show your wife you've got the balls to be a supportive role in your children's lives and let her know she can come along for the ride or stay at home and continue to be depressed, but nothing is going to stop you from being a supportive parent and spending a little quality time with them. 

Hated to tell you that but you need some tough love. You're a grown man and not a teenager, you can deal with your wife and beat this. And it seems like her affair isn't going well and just might end with her coming back, that is if you don't piss her off or give the OM enough of a reason to tell her she's made the right decision to leave you for him.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

OM is gone. Has been gone. They don't talk anymore and in fact, he's pissed at her. He lives 2.5 hours away and when he IS here, he's banging a friend of my cousins. 

Nothing there anymore. 

No worries on the tuff love. I'm only at mom's because I have no where else to go. I'm not here for support. In fact, she's one of the ones who kicked me while I was down, telling me I wasn't nice enough to her 100% of hte time and been rude to her etc. She let me have it good. Hence why I feel I can be a better husband now. Been on rock bottom far too long and realized too much on my own self to go back. 

Thanks man. I appreciate the help. It's sound advice. 

Dewayne


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

So what are you saying?

She's suffering from a broken heart and has low self-esteem, so she turned on you for being stupid enough to love her when she didn't want you. Great, now that that's figured out we can look at this from another angle and figure out how to deal with her. She thinks you don't understand what she's feeling and can't give her the emotonal support she seeks. There' where she's wrong! 

You do understand because you went through these feelings when you first found out about the OM. And btw, he's banging your cousin's friend? Real winner that guy is.... that's like my ex wife's ex who dated her after her sister and now wants them both back..... LOL children. You understand her and you can win her back now that the OM is gone, but you're going to need to do a bit of acting.

You need to tell you wife that you're fine with her decision to divorce you and act like it's "no problem".with a smile on your face This really does work FYI. I calmed my ex wife down when she pushed me away while I was flying in to see her and she said she didn't want anything to do with me... while I was stuck in LAX overnight. I simply told her that I understood she was just as nervous as I was and that "it's going to be ok...... I understand and am not mad". 

It worked! That approach always worked and has with the couple dozen men and women I've talked through painful divorces since I fist started. You settle them down by calming them down with your voice or your message and reassure them that you're not going to punish them because they're scared to death themselves. Your wife is in pain and the only thing she knows that will make it better is to attack you and have you be the bad guy so she doesn't have to accept responsibility. This is where being a stong nice guy will help you more than anything. You reassure her that everything is going to be ok and that you're not upset at her anymore, because whatever happened between you is now in the past...... and if she's this upset you can be sure she's beating herself up for what she did. Then you go NC and wait for her to calm down and contact you. Two maybe three weeks later she'll make an excuse for you to see her or talk to her and you can go on from there.

But first you have to show her that you're not going to punish her anymore and that you won't find reasons to argue with her. Can you do this? Can you show her what I like to call "the Jesus attitude"?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why have you not put the fear of god into the OM. This guy should be scared to death of showing his face around you. And yet your wife feels comfortable having a chat with him, and he feels just fine hanging around her and you.

My gut tells me your wife is still cheating on you. These visits with friends, the texting other men. 

What is it going to take for you to draw the line an refuse to continue to let her play these cruel games?


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Well, as it turns out, she had her friends come to our place (the haunt) last night, instead of going over there. My niece was there and my bro should've been in any time last night. Not saying anything but at least it looks better. 

I have the kid with me, she's suppose to pick her up today or tomorrow. she got a part time job starting thurs. night. Should I keep the kid? I almost just want to dissappear and let her find out that we're not here. BUt I don't know, probably trigger a different issue.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

"Had a great night with some of my girls. Everyone was gone by 1 tho so I spent a couple hours soul searching. I decided that all men suck except my daddy, brothers (including Ryan Rogers) and my nephews; no one will love me more than my baby girl, Jordan Lawrence; and no one will want me around as much as I will. I have been living life for those around me. I think I need to start living it for my kiddo and myself.  "

So she called me and asked what I was doing with the kid. I got on FB and this is what she had written. She got very drunk last night. Said her FB didn't have anything to do with me....

I don't know how many times she called... Just got off the phone with her. So we talked about her FB post and her night last night. I told her how the FB post made me feel and that it was ok. She said:

"I'ts not about you, it's about me. There were a lot of other things I was going to say but I didn't want to put our problems on FB and I didn't want you to get your hopes up..." 

I don't know. But I'm going to the park with my kid lol. Gonna have a great time and take her to McDonalds and play for lunch. Then we'll probably go to Petco so she can see some aminals and such. She likes aminals.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Any thoughts?


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Getting down again guys. Can someone throw some thoughts in about the FB thing... anything? Am I "reading into" her FB post? Should I ignore it? So now her new 20 yr old friend she's known for 2 months, rank higher than her husband of 11 years? 

Getting a sick feeling.... so tired of this.


Done good today.Took the kid out for a long drive and ended up at the park and then at McD's and let her play in the playhouse. However, got home and wasn't long before I started feeling sick about all of it. 

Her "don't wanna get your hopes up" comment makes it SOUND like it's "good" but I'd imagine it's just a game. I'm going job searching here in Jonesboro (30 min's away from home)... just assuming I'll need to stay here. Gonna try to move on.


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