# Need book recommendation about Marriage



## paleblue22 (May 27, 2014)

Hey there - 

I have seen many book recommendations about coping with infidelity or being strong and setting boundaries but those do not seem to target what kind of person I am or what I am dealing with inside my marriage so I am looking for some other options. 

Here's my story in a nutshell ... Been with my Husband 10 years, married 5. 2 children and he is a wonderful Husband and hard working Father, no major issues but porn and online sites where he exchanged naked photos. No in person cheating has ever occured. (I'm crazy and have interrogated and investigated until I was 100% positive, plus we've done counsling) 

So, after A LOT of talking and work on our marriage for the last year even after all the times he has promised things I have come to a conclusion that he WILL NOT and NEVER WILL give up online porn. 
We have sex every other day on the dot but if I work 2 nights in a row he cannot control the urge (which I think is bull**** but how can I divorce him over that, that seems ridiclous considering all the other great things about him) 

I have done a lot of research on porn and am pretty sure it's not about me being un-desirable or about him building emotional connections. Also he is only 26 so maybe he is too young to grow out of this phase .... I dont know.
Anyway, I need to learn to lower my standards in this area and accept that it is not about me and not let it affect our life, marriage and my self-esteem? 
Any recommendations for a book about this? 

Thanks ya'll!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A good book for your situation is "Divorce Busting".

Hopefully it will help.


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## paleblue22 (May 27, 2014)

Thank you both, I will look into those books.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

There is a big difference between looking at porn and indulging in exchange of naked pics with specific people. In my marriage, when my husband did that, he cheated. He also went further than that after a while, which is what happens in the vast majority of cases.

I would never agree to let my husband exchange naked pics with people on line. Never. That's crossing a line in our marriage and will result in divorce if it ever happens again.

Have you read anything by Patrick Carnes or his wife? If not I highly recommend that you and your husband both do.

If your husband MUST look at porn (which is highly ridiculous) then let him look at magazines. That's the way it is in our marriage. Magazines and DVD's, that's it. NOTHING online whatsoever. The temptations on the internet are my husbands weakness, and it sounds like your husband is the same way. If he's signed up for hook up sites, he's sliding down the slippery slope, and in my books at least, he IS cheating.


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## paleblue22 (May 27, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> There is a big difference between looking at porn and indulging in exchange of naked pics with specific people. In my marriage, when my husband did that, he cheated. He also went further than that after a while, which is what happens in the vast majority of cases.
> 
> I would never agree to let my husband exchange naked pics with people on line. Never. That's crossing a line in our marriage and will result in divorce if it ever happens again.
> 
> ...


I agree Hope, it's so ridiculous to me!! I do not condone exchange naked pics, that was a thing of the past for him. I also agree that the port will lead to others things but he has promised me over and over that he won't watch it but always breaks his promises. He claims there is nothing wrong with him for wanting to indulge in port if I am not around (meaning I work 2 nights in a row or go out of town which happens sometimes) He swears it's nothing emotional against me and still loves and desires me the same, which is actions reflect so part of me feels this is a growing pain for me. Something that as an adult I need to learn not to let bother me bc it's not a huge deal in the grand scheme of our life, as soo. As it doesn't escalate, which is my huge fear!!!! 
I don't know, does this make any sense? Will reading a healthy book help me manage my emotions about the port and only the porn. 
I'm confused about it all quite honestly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What does your counselor say about this??

And you can read all you want, but until he stops this behaviour, your feelings about it aren't going to go away. All you might manage to do is repress them and bottle them up, so that they manifest themselves in other ways such as health problems. Also, over the years you will resent what you have to do, and the rest of your marriage will fall apart.

I don't care how wonderful he is in every other aspect, this is going to spell the death of your marriage in time. Even if you remain together.

Get the book "In the Shadows of the Net" by Patrick Carnes and make him read it. Tell him your future together depends on it. You read it oo. You can probably find it for free online somewhere too.

In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior: Patrick J. Carnes Ph.D., David L. Delmonico Ph.D., Elizabeth Griffin M.A., Joseph M. Moriarity: 9781592854783: Amazon.com: Books

You may not see this as such a big deal right now, and apparently he doesn't either, but if he really is such a wonderful husband and father he will listen to you and stop these behaviours. If you want to see where they lead, read the story of our R, the link is in my signature.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Let it go OP

Let him do what he wants as long as it's not hurting your marriage.

Heck, better yet, embrace it and join him with watching porn.

NOW, exchanging naked pics.....that's over the top and completely unacceptable.


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