# blindsided and heartbroken



## coeurbroken (Oct 14, 2010)

hello,

this is my first post here. I'll try to be brief, i'm just at a total loss right now.



H & I were together for 13yrs, we have 3 kids together. About 18mths ago, we seperated he chose to move out because he wasn't happy.

After about a year of us being seperated, we started seeing each other again. (no one knew, I didn't want to take the chance of hurting the kids if things didn't work out)So we were doing things very slowly, hopefully progressing to getting back together. We hadn't fixed everything, but again, very slowly, things were progressing.

Fast forward to now.

He blindsides me. He had been having an affair before we separated. For a good 2yrs on & off with a coworker. Basically, he left to be with her. H lied to me for 2yrs before he left, H lied to me when he left & continued to lie to me up til now. The only reason he came clean is OW threatened to tell me herself. Turns out he ended things with OW almost a year ago (when he started coming to me again) and she didn't take it very well & has been making his life hell since. Constant threats ect. He can't sleep at night (poor him!)

So now, i am torn apart again. I don't even know what is worse, the fact that he had an affair, left me for another woman or that he lied to me all this time, that he would have tried to reconcile, never revealing the affair even happened. 

How the hell am I ever supposed to trust him again?

He wants us to be together, that's all i've wanted too since he left. I had no desire to be with anyone else while we were seperated and I wasn't. He is the love of my life, the man I want to grow old with but now... I don't even know who he is anymore. I can't believe he lied to me, I can't believe I can't trust him.

I feel like everything is ruined all over again.



-k-


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

I completely and totally understand what you are going through. I have been separated for one year. 8 months into the separartion he approached me about reconciling. After trying for 2 months, he moved home saying he was recommitted to the marriage and would never put the children and I through it again. I suspected an affair when he left, he only admitted to a one night stand while we were separated. Shortly after moving home I began seeing signs of an affair again, would not be transparent with cell phone, secretive about where he was going, staying out late, saying that he was working out of town, lying about money, resisting working on our relationship Then I saw a text message from a woman one morning. He said it was the wrong number, but refused to call the number in front of me. He became defensive and told me I would never be able to forgive him and there was nothing he could do. I clearly spelled out what he could do and then kicked him out.
There are specific steps you can take after an affair. You can find them here on the forum- look to Affaircare and Tanelornpete. It sounds like your husband has at least ended the affair and is being honest with you. Yes, it did take him a while to do it. I wish my husband had at least admitted to one and then ended it with proof before coming home. I know better now. It's been 2 weeks for me since I had him leave, I explained what it would take to return to the home, he has thus far chosen not to do them. There is still hope for you. Read up about Plan B. Know that you are not alone in going through this.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

coeurbroken said:


> hello,
> 
> this is my first post here. I'll try to be brief, i'm just at a total loss right now.
> 
> ...


I’m really sorry you’re going through this Coeurbroken. I don’t get how some men can do these things to their wife and children. I just don’t get it.

Sounds like it didn’t work out at all well with OW and he discovered what she’s really like. Can take a while that and now he’s trying to worm his way back into your life. Not only that but by crying in front of you about his problems with OW he’s also looking to you for emotional support. I just find that stuff incredible.

I saw a man I know do that stuff to his wife. She was “there for him” when he was crying about the OW and tried to work it out. Eventually they divorced. I bumped into her a few years later, I knew her very well from my teens, we dated a few times and I’d known her a very long time. I hardly recognised her, she looked like she’d been an emotional wreck but was slowly recovering. We had a big hug and it cheered her up a bit.

Maybe it’s best to ask yourself do you really want a weak man like that in your life? Maybe it’s best to withdraw from him again and focus again on yourself and your children. I wouldn’t put anymore investment into that man.

Bob


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## coeurbroken (Oct 14, 2010)

cmf said:


> I completely and totally understand what you are going through. I have been separated for one year. 8 months into the separartion he approached me about reconciling. After trying for 2 months, he moved home saying he was recommitted to the marriage and would never put the children and I through it again. I suspected an affair when he left, he only admitted to a one night stand while we were separated. Shortly after moving home I began seeing signs of an affair again, would not be transparent with cell phone, secretive about where he was going, staying out late, saying that he was working out of town, lying about money, resisting working on our relationship Then I saw a text message from a woman one morning. He said it was the wrong number, but refused to call the number in front of me. He became defensive and told me I would never be able to forgive him and there was nothing he could do. I clearly spelled out what he could do and then kicked him out.
> There are specific steps you can take after an affair. You can find them here on the forum- look to Affaircare and Tanelornpete. It sounds like your husband has at least ended the affair and is being honest with you. Yes, it did take him a while to do it. I wish my husband had at least admitted to one and then ended it with proof before coming home. I know better now. It's been 2 weeks for me since I had him leave, I explained what it would take to return to the home, he has thus far chosen not to do them. There is still hope for you. Read up about Plan B. Know that you are not alone in going through this.


 Sorry to hear things didn't work out for you. Not to use you as an example, but that's exactly what I'm afraid of. Trust has NEVER been an issue. I am maybe too trusting. I trust with all that I have because, I am a trustworthy person. I expect what I give in return, total honesty. 

What if he does move back in eventually,(not even entertaining the possibility right now, just hypothetically speaking) then if we have hard times, decides he's not happy anymore, meets someone else again ? How are you coping? How are your children coping?

Right now, I am just so heartbroken all over again & I feel like such a fool. I really have no idea who he is anymore, have I ever? What was lies & what was truth? I made excuses for him... he's a good person, he just wasn't happy ect. gah 

Anyways, I appreciate your reply. I hope you get your situation worked out. It's nice to know I'm not alone. 

-k-


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## coeurbroken (Oct 14, 2010)

AFEH said:


> I’m really sorry you’re going through this Coeurbroken. I don’t get how some men can do these things to their wife and children. I just don’t get it.
> 
> Sounds like it didn’t work out at all well with OW and he discovered what she’s really like. Can take a while that and now he’s trying to worm his way back into your life. Not only that but by crying in front of you about his problems with OW he’s also looking to you for emotional support. I just find that stuff incredible.
> 
> ...


thanks for your honesty Bob. Right now I really don't know what I will do. All this lying and dishonesty, I don't know if i can get past that.

-k-


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

I pretty much feel the same way you do right now. My kids are a mess, but they are use to him being gone . My husband never did admit anything despite all the evidence I have. I dont even know where he is right now and I would not beleive anything he told me at this point. Basically, my husband never ended his affair, just got better at hiding it for a bit. As soon as I discovered it, he just disappeared and cut his losses. I certainly did not marry this man, but if this is who he is now, I want no part of it and my children deserve so much better. Despite what happened to me, I still beleive a marriage can recover after infidelity if both partners do the work required. My husband said he would do the work but didn't.


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