# When you hear "I dont love you anymore"



## bluelemon (Mar 9, 2012)

So I have been lurking on this forum for a while and reading lots of posts. One thing that seems to come up often is a spouse hearing the words "I am not in love with you anymore". Then suddenly everyone replies with "This is definitely either a PA or an EA and offers no other alternative. Can't it be that one partner simply isn't in love with the other one anymore? I think you will always love your partner but surely you can be no longer "in love" with them without their being a third party in this?

I'd be interested to hear what you think


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

bluelemon said:


> So I have been lurking on this forum for a while and reading lots of posts. One thing that seems to come up often is a spouse hearing the words "I am not in love with you anymore". Then suddenly everyone replies with "This is definitely either a PA or an EA and offers no other alternative. Can't it be that one partner simply isn't in love with the other one anymore? I think you will always love your partner but surely you can be no longer "in love" with them without their being a third party in this?
> 
> I'd be interested to hear what you think


And the more interesting question, is when you hear ILYBNILWY, how many times is EA/PA the actual case? Seems to be a high % here on TAM.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I have to agree. 
I am getting divorced. I admit that I do not love my husband. Nor am i in love with him. And there is no one else, never has been. 

He did not meet my needs, respond to my requests to work on the marriage, and I simply closed down and stopped loving him.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Certainly it is possible for someone to fall out of love with their partner. But if you notice in the posts where a partner suddenly proclaims, "I don't love you anymore," or "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," there is more to the story than that. A poster will often go onto say that the partner-in-question is suddenly on their cell phone or computer a lot more, that phone messages are deleted, that the computer screen is minimized or changed when they enter the room.

A previously okay sex life is suddenly non-existent. The suspicious partner doesn't even want to be touched in any way when out of the bedroom. The suspect becomes emotionally distant as well.

There are many people on here who have dealt with the pain of an affair and many people come on here to post because they suspect something is going on.

That is not to say that some people don't fall out of love. However, there is generally a motivation to push them in that direction. And that motivation is frequently another person.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

deejov said:


> He did not meet my needs, respond to my requests to work on the marriage, and I simply closed down and stopped loving him.


I think this is the key.

ILYBNILWY is a lot different when it is preceded by months of request for change and indications that the love was disappearing.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think the bigger motivation is not so much for them to "fall out of love", but to actually come out and say/do something about it. Otherwise they'd just continue in their discontent.

Not saying its the same in all cases, but it's one of the big red warning flags.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

deejov said:


> I have to agree.
> I am getting divorced. I admit that I do not love my husband. Nor am i in love with him. And there is no one else, never has been.
> 
> He did not meet my needs, respond to my requests to work on the marriage, and I simply closed down and stopped loving him.


:iagree:

Same here


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Acorn said:


> I think this is the key.
> 
> ILYBNILWY is a lot different when it is preceded by months of request for change and indications that the love was disappearing.


I have a sneaking suspicion that sometimes since there is only one side of story written... that there ARE indications and requests. Many posters will say their spouse said things.. but it was brushed off or not taken seriously, or most likely not understood with the importance it was intended.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

bluelemon said:


> So I have been lurking on this forum for a while and reading lots of posts. One thing that seems to come up often is a spouse hearing the words "I am not in love with you anymore". Then suddenly everyone replies with "This is definitely either a PA or an EA and offers no other alternative. Can't it be that one partner simply isn't in love with the other one anymore? I think you will always love your partner but surely you can be no longer "in love" with them without their being a third party in this?
> 
> I'd be interested to hear what you think



You can. However, I think more mature relationships can see past the "in love" stage. Meaning, the "in love" is emotionally based. I think by doing, emotions follow. 

Can an individual go through the motions, not admit misery/problems/etc. and then pull the ILYBNILWY without someone else involved? I doubt it.


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## cdavis (Mar 9, 2012)

My wife has done this to me recently. Its very difficult to understand because I have been a pretty good husband. We have 3 kids together and a normal life until this was dropped on me. She is older and I am more fit/attractive at 34 than I was back at 22 when we married. I don't think she is cheating, 99%+ chance she is not. I don't think she is physiologically strong, has been diagnosed with depression. I think it may be meds or going off meds... I think she is giving them up b/c of possible custody battle.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

bluelemon said:


> So I have been lurking on this forum for a while and reading lots of posts. One thing that seems to come up often is a spouse hearing the words "I am not in love with you anymore". Then suddenly everyone replies with "This is definitely either a PA or an EA and offers no other alternative. Can't it be that one partner simply isn't in love with the other one anymore? I think you will always love your partner but surely you can be no longer "in love" with them without their being a third party in this?
> 
> I'd be interested to hear what you think


Yes, I think it is possible (turns out to be the case with my stbx, although not once has she said the words, although I have said them for her), however so is the EA/PA alternative, which does seem more prevalent. IMO, a person faced with the situation owes it to themselves to really *check* so as not be blindsided by anything that may arise, but for sure it does not have to be the case. Regarding "No longer in love", it can also be phrased as grown apart, changed too much as individuals since married, other life events; jobs, relocation's (and children sometimes being a big one) putting a lot of strain on the relationship, etc etc etc. A general re-evaluation of life goals can also do it; and in this sort of situation it all comes down to the individuals belief whether or not marriage is "forever". In this day and age it is clearly not forever for at least 50% of the population, a figure only set to rise.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

bluelemon said:


> So I have been lurking on this forum for a while and reading lots of posts. One thing that seems to come up often is a spouse hearing the words "I am not in love with you anymore". Then suddenly everyone replies with "This is definitely either a PA or an EA and offers no other alternative. Can't it be that one partner simply isn't in love with the other one anymore? I think you will always love your partner but surely you can be no longer "in love" with them without their being a third party in this?
> 
> I'd be interested to hear what you think


I sure that maybe the case, but based on what is seen here it's nearly always a OM/OW in the bushes. What seems to happen is one spouse is dissatisfied/bored/fill in the blank, but does not discuss this with their spouse. To fill this gap they start talking with a member of the opposite sex and it just goes from there. The speech coming after the EA has gone PA, or it's almost a sure thing they can leave and hook up with the OM/OW. I wish it were otherwise, but it seldom is. Why these spouses can't talk to their mate of 10-35 years early on about their feelings is pretty much a mystery. In my case the Wife went MLC, no reason given when asked except "I want out, I haven't been happy lately"


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

deejov said:


> I have to agree.
> I am getting divorced. I admit that I do not love my husband. Nor am i in love with him. And there is no one else, never has been.
> 
> He did not meet my needs, respond to my requests to work on the marriage, and I simply closed down and stopped loving him.


At least you tried to talk to him. Any man who has been asked to shape up and doesn't is a fool,
but in many cases the LBS is expected to be a mind reader and it does not happen.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

bluelemon said:


> Can't it be that one partner simply isn't in love with the other one anymore? I think you will always love your partner but surely you can be no longer "in love" with them without their being a third party in this?


One partner can certainly not be in love with the other. Happens all the time. But no one really moves voluntarily into an emotional vacuum. Something, or more specifically someone, is replacing the partner that is no longer the object of all that feeling.

Albeit, some people can replace their partner and put all their emotional focus (back) on themselves. This mostly works for people who were never really in a love relationship in the first place but viewed their partner as an extension of themselves and their "love" for their partner was in fact selfish obsession. 
Parents can view their children in this fashion. Several of my wife's friends divorced their husbands after they had their baby and transferred their attachment to the child. Although they are not rare, there really aren't that many people like this around.

Most people are social creatures. They need someone in their life. They don't just start doing without because they feel like it. Especially if they have been used to having someone around for a while. Some other person, somewhere is meeting their social emotional needs when they break away from their primary emotional relationship. Physical intimacy is not required, especially for someone who may have been uncomfortable with and had bad feelings about physical intimacy for their entire lives up to this point. Likewise, some people bond better emotionally with their same sex for any number of reasons. A relationship with a member of the opposite sex is not a requirement for a detaching spouse to find a replacement emotional connection with someone other than their spouse.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

deejov said:


> I have a sneaking suspicion that sometimes since there is only one side of story written... that there ARE indications and requests. Many posters will say their spouse said things.. but it was brushed off or not taken seriously, or most likely not understood with the importance it was intended.



Sorry, as a man I need to be told if I'm out of line, I'm too busy keeping a roof over my families head to catch "indications" or hints. A marriage is a 50/50 deal, if either one has some issue with the other they should say "Honey we need to talk about X now". 

In many cases an EA starts over issues not even related to what Wifey or hubby did or did not do. A bored wife or husband gets on line and starts talking with an old BF/GF/Coworker/Gamer etc. and eventually falls for them instead of talking with their spouse. 

My wife never said a word to me, we seldom fought and did most things by consensus. She bailed after hooking up with a guy she played WOW with. Doing some digging she gone EA with him six months before the speech. Before she met him emails to friends indicated she was quite happy.


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

deejov said:


> I have to agree.
> I am getting divorced. I admit that I do not love my husband. Nor am i in love with him. And there is no one else, never has been.
> 
> He did not meet my needs, respond to my requests to work on the marriage, and I simply closed down and stopped loving him.


But...do you feel if he suddenly realized his mistakes and started working on it....COULD you reconnect?


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

Im in that same position now. No other man in my life at all. We have been separated for 5 months now. My husband is a little narc. and has been verbally abusive. So my feelings toward him are no longer the same. We did start mc last year and he says he has changed, well a little too late. Damage has been done. So, i say yes, you can fall out of love for many reasons and not have someone else.


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## bluelemon (Mar 9, 2012)

Thanks for all the replies. The reason I asked is that I don't feel "in love" with my OH any more. I haven't told him explicitly that I am not in love but I have told him I feel like we are drifting apart and need to spend more quality time together and less time watching TV etc. We also have a non existant sex life and have only had sex once this year and I can't remember the last time we did it last year. I have suggested MC but he is against the idea. There is no OM involved here, but I guess if I gave you the symptoms before starting this thread everyone would accuse me of EA/PA, hence my reason for starting this thread. I wanted to know what I would get accused of by family and friends if me and the OH separated because of this.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

DailyGrind said:


> But...do you feel if he suddenly realized his mistakes and started working on it....COULD you reconnect?


Yes.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

stritle said:


> how long did it take to get to that point?


12 months. I gave it a year.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

bluelemon said:


> Thanks for all the replies. The reason I asked is that I don't feel "in love" with my OH any more. I haven't told him explicitly that I am not in love but I have told him I feel like we are drifting apart and need to spend more quality time together and less time watching TV etc. We also have a non existant sex life and have only had sex once this year and I can't remember the last time we did it last year. I have suggested MC but he is against the idea. There is no OM involved here, but I guess if I gave you the symptoms before starting this thread everyone would accuse me of EA/PA, hence my reason for starting this thread. I wanted to know what I would get accused of by family and friends if me and the OH separated because of this.


I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation.
You might also like to know that once your family hears this... and they find out HE isn't doing anything about it, they might also suggest that HE is cheating. 

The notion that if your spouse does not respond to requests to fix things.. the standard answers are:
They dont know how 
They dont want to

Go with don't know how ... until they refuse to try.


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## The_Good_Wife (Jan 13, 2012)

It is possible. I feel like all the love I had for my husband is not there anymore. I wont cheat on him until we are separated though.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Like I said on another thread, I think it is universal for everyone to feel that they are "no longer in love" when they are considering or going through with divorcing their spouse.

But a loyal spouse knows that those feelings are not the reason they are ending the marriage, they are ending the marriage because certain needs that can only come from a participating partnter were not being met or even attempted to be being met, and those emotions of not being in love simply coincide with the reasons for ending the relationship.

A cheater uses their feeling of not being in love as a reason to end a marriage, because they are not willing to actually address their unmet needs.

It is through careful deliberation that a loyal spouse who wants to end a relationship forms their thoughts and picks their words, a cheater usually doesn't bother. Which is why when those words ILYBINILWY are actually uttered it virtually ALWAYS means there is an extra-marital reason those words have been chosen.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

bluelemon said:


> Thanks for all the replies. The reason I asked is that I don't feel "in love" with my OH any more. I haven't told him explicitly that I am not in love but I have told him I feel like we are drifting apart and need to spend more quality time together and less time watching TV etc. We also have a non existant sex life and have only had sex once this year and I can't remember the last time we did it last year. I have suggested MC but he is against the idea. There is no OM involved here, but I guess if I gave you the symptoms before starting this thread everyone would accuse me of EA/PA, hence my reason for starting this thread. I wanted to know what I would get accused of by family and friends if me and the OH separated because of this.


I think the OM/OW thing is more along the lines of when your relationship is moving along fairly smoothly without a lot of conflict, regular sex etc. and no complaints to the other spouse as to their dissatisfaction. When it suddenly changes for the worst, nearly always a OM/OW is involved.

If your marriage is really gone down hill for years, with fights, no sex, conflicts on a regular basis, and MC/IC has been discussed and turned down by the other spouse, then that is another matter. But even then in many cases the spouse who is not happy for whatever reason generally finds someone else, or have someone in mind to fill their needs before they leave.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

The_Good_Wife said:


> It is possible. I feel like all the love I had for my husband is not there anymore. I wont cheat on him until we are separated though.


Technically if you hook up after separation it's still cheating. Even if you legitimately meet another guy after you separate it will be still suspected you had him on the line all along, as this is standard to the cheater's script, "Oh we met at Starbucks a month after my husband and I separated." when in fact there had been an EA/PA going on for months before they left...


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

Lon said:


> Like I said on another thread, I think it is universal for everyone to feel that they are "no longer in love" when they are considering or going through with divorcing their spouse.
> 
> But a loyal spouse knows that those feelings are not the reason they are ending the marriage, they are ending the marriage because certain needs that can only come from a participating partnter were not being met or even attempted to be being met, and those emotions of not being in love simply coincide with the reasons for ending the relationship.
> 
> ...


Bang on!:iagree:


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