# The Script



## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

I have been reading more than posting here. I notice a lot of people have essentially the same story. I have tried to capture it the script. We all basically do the same things - we don't know each other and come from different countries, but we do the same things basically. 

Here's what I wrote out. I'd like to hear if I missed any steps. I know there are some variables, but for what it's worth:


1. Marriage cruising along - relatively happy on the surface. Some of us on autopilot. 
2. Walk away spouse (WAS) becomes different and distant. Left behind spouse (LBS) notices and either asks about it, or quietly lets other person have space.
3. WAS continues to act distant and finally lets LBS know they are unhappy. Some WAS say they are done at this point as they have been unhappy for X amount of years and want a divorce. "There is nothing LBS can do. It's too little too late. you should have read my mind that i was unhappy." I was personally told my WAS was "unhappy for a very long time. This was news to me. WAS comes up with idea of separation:
- to figure myself out or find myself.
- make me want you again.
- to be happier.
4. LBS becomes panic driven. LBS owns the whole problem. LBS takes responsibility for fixing the entire thing and other person. LBS urges counseling. LBS in shock and is operating from a fear based panic mode.
5. LBS smothers WAS and tries to figure out what makes them tick. LBS orders 150 books from Amazon on every marriage topic and tries to teach WAS about their marital problems. "WAS, men are definitely from Mars and women may be from Venus. I don't know as we are speaking different love languages."
6. LBS is in disbelief about who the WAS spouse has become. WAS is distant, cold and is a completely different person.
7. It turns out WAS spouse is actually seeing someone else and has been. Maybe they are only interested in someone else at this point. "I don't know" becomes the WAS mantra. ILYBNILWY is said here, or maybe back in script step 3. 
8. LBS acts even more desperate and then plays the humiliating "pick me! pick me!' dance or shuffle. (thanks Chumplady.com for the reference).
9. Cake eating WAS then is given more power to determine everyones future. "Limbo" becomes an actual lifestyle now. Not just a dance at your cousin's wedding.
10. LBS comes to TAM and figures out this is happening across the globe.
11. LBS reads and is counseled by the TAM warriors the focus should be on themselves in order to become a better person and prepare for another life. LBS goes back to Amazon and buys every self help book in order to work on themselves. 
12. LBS learns the "180" lifestyle. LBS is still hurting inside, but is more empowered now and not so desperate. LBS has a bit more power now. LBS realizes the pick me dance is humiliating. LBS starts doing things they want to do. LBS is finding themselves again. LBS has a more clear image of WAS and now has a better understanding of the script. WAS is looking less appealing at this point as true colors on that pea**** are in bloom. 
13. Decisions are pondered. Timelines are now set. WAS continues to wander in fantasy land. LBS tries to stick in the present and ruminates daily on when the desire to move on exceeds the desire to hang on. 
14. Legal papers are filed.
15. WAS now realizes that "Plan B" LBS is not kidding around. 

There are several paths from this point: 
15a. WAS is actually relieved. They can now start their perfect relationship with their soulmate. 
15b. WAS freaks out as the comfy security blanket (financial, emotional, whatever) is being pulled away. WAS tries to make amends. LBS has some options now, but maybe feels everything from glad, to mistrusting, to "no way." All of these feelings can happen at the same time. Several times a day. 

16. Attempt at R, or divorce. Both parties move forward. Some Rs lather, rinse, repeat. 

Am I missing some steps to the script?


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

How about 15c. WAS blames the LBS for everything wrong in their new 'single' life?


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Left With 4.5 said:


> How about 15c. WAS blames the LBS for everything wrong in their new 'single' life?


Ha, so true Left.... though it has continued thru to past D for me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Mine went right to ( during the I'm not happy speech) I found someone else and its been going on for a while. Then I found out a couple of weeks later that he moved right in with her. No pick me pick me on my end. I'm not begging him when he pretty much verbally punched me out. As for the rest - you're pretty spot on ( I'm only to #12 as of this moment)


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

I'm at 13 and 3/4.


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

Cringe-inducing to see how I followed this script to a tee - right down to trying to talk to her about love languages. Now at step 14, probably looking at 15a and then 16.

I agree with Left With 4.5 though - there should be a step about the WAS blaming and lashing out at the LBS. Whitewashing the LBS to be a horrible spouse, in a horrible marriage, etc. Not sure where it would be plugged into that script, but it does seem like very few WAS's can walk away without spitting venom and bile back at the LBS.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

I think with WAS's there isn't always an affair. Sometimes (as in my case) they are in love with the idea of "freedom" and convince themselves that there will be rainbows and unicorns and all their problems will be solved if only they can get out of the marriage. [Michele Weiner=Davis specifically writes about this]. In some ways the fog fantasy is even harder to combat if it doesn't actually involve a real relationship with a real person but just some warm fuzzy fantasy of being "with someone special who will give me the love I deserve".

In my case she already had one or two candidates all lined up for that role and thought that it was absolutely fine to jump into a relationship with one of them as soon as she had dropped the D-bomb. 

Yes, in my case it was the WAS who dropped the D-bomb and is in a big, big hurry to complete the divorce and start her "new life". That's because she took plenty of time to use me as her Plan B whilst she got ready to leave. Her bible during this time was "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway" and she really thinks that she is being incredibly brave and facing her fears to build herself a fabulous new life. Doesn't realise that leaving is the easy way out - the tough choice is actually staying and working on your relationship and taking responsibility for your end of the marriage. Responsibility - not a favourite word of the WAS.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

It's the script I followed. I didn't realize it was a script until I saw a lot of people do the same things. There's a pattern. Agreed there are steps that I've missed. Maybe I have yet to experience them. Please add steps to the discussion. Keeps me on my toes then!!


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

Voltaire said:


> she really thinks that she is being incredibly brave and facing her fears to build herself a fabulous new life. Doesn't realise that leaving is the easy way out - the tough choice is actually staying and working on your relationship and taking responsibility for your end of the marriage. Responsibility - not a favourite word of the WAS.


Amen. I'm starting to wonder if we've been married to the same woman.

This should probably be added as well. Maybe a 7a and 7b between grass is greener syndrome, and seeing or being interested in someone else.


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

& it's a gdtwsa/n said.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

My WW had a four month EA with old HS bf who did prison time,even met him four times but didn't go physical.
She was willing to leave with nothing,just clothes and stay out of my life for good.
Actually had to stop her.
There is real,true,hard remorse in some people,it does happen.
If I hurt she hurts and gets worried about me.
Not most people deserve that chance after cheating but some do and they are exceptional people.
I'd bet the farm on my wife.
One year in R and I feel I did the right thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I do have to say the "script" is pretty much right on,wish I would have know all this before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Helo, nice job! Very accurate. I'm at 13.5.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I think you're missing something about the cheater's perspective. When the WAS goes back to the LBS temporarily to relieve any feelings of abandonment the OM/OW ramps up hoovering and chases them into their spouse's arms for a while. Naturally this falls apart when the WAS misses fantasy land or the LBS can't meet the increasingly demanding needs of the WAS. But all in all this explains the second honeymoon with the two cheaters. 

This is also when some cheaters snap and decide to kill their lover's souse out of jealousy to control their reality. Food for thought!


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

I can relate to some of these for sure. My current panic mode is my kids and fear of him taking them. I know in my head I am better off without him, but the reality of everything I need to do in order to survive alone is daunting and the idea that he could take my kids from me is paralyzing.


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

From the WAS perspective need to add in a couple of steps:

(ILYBANILWY-4years) WAS pleads with spouse to stop playing video games and engage WAS. LBS tells WAS they have to play games to escape from stress of work. In total, spouse spent 7 years gaming average of 7 hours a day. Although thats not directly why I left, left the marriage in a very fragile state. 
(ILYBANILWY-5months) WAS plug pulls LBS becase child is crying silent tears that daddy still didnt come through on a promise to spend time together after almost 2 hours. WAS is blamed by LBS that I caused him to lose the game. 
(ILYBANILWY-2months) WAS stress levels through the roof over new job, move, and being primary care-taker of kids. LBS has job troubles, deals with it by going on a gaming binge for 6 weeks. WAS implements 180 without knowing about 180. Tremendous emotional relief realized.
(ILYBANILWY+1.5months) WAS suggests MC, locates couple options. LBS during argument admits they would only go to discuss "my" issues. At this point, WAS rules out MC (LBS had a tendency for a majority of the marriage to hint or say straight out that I was insane if I disagreed with him; this was addressed directly at the time, but behavior never completely disappeared). 
(ILYBANILWY+4months) LBS starts threatening WAS that he will bankrupt WAS through divorce proceedings. Also starts threatening going for full custody (WAS was primary caretaker for 80%+ of marriage).

What Im getting at here is that everyone has reasons for doing things. These boards love to bash WAS, but everyone has a limit. For the LBS, the support here tells the LBS to enforce their boundries or let the WAS, well walk. I understand anger is part of the emotional process, but my situation is not yours. I read these boards because I dont know how to deal with my own emotions all the time. A post like this is just more venom directed externally in an attempt to blame someone else (WAS) for your hopes and expectations not being met. There is no self-analysis, there is no finding peace within. Everything you are blaming the WAS for doing, you do here, just after the WAS you describe did it first.

I am sorry your marriage didnt work out, and I hope you find peace internally over it. That I think should be the main focus of a support group: giving you better tools to figure out how to deal with the hand you've been played.


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## Theo123 (Mar 15, 2013)

Morgiana said:


> These boards love to bash WAS, but everyone has a limit. For the LBS, the support here tells the LBS to enforce their boundries or let the WAS, well walk. I understand anger is part of the emotional process, but my situation is not yours.


Yeah I feel like my W had good reasons to walk. I was checked out from the marriage, totally self-absorbed in my school work, blaming her for our problems or her friends and suspicious to the point to wanting to beat up one of the people she works with. To top it off I threatened to leave her. When she left, I began to see myself more clearly.


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## Hanging on for hope (Mar 18, 2013)

Crazy how accurate that is. I'm on #12.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Morgiana said:


> From the WAS perspective need to add in a couple of steps:


Morgiana, if you addressed the issues in your marriage honestly and directly with your H (and didn't make an issue out of the dishwasher or the trash as a substitute for what was really troubling you), if you made clear how serious they were, if you took responsibility for your end of the marriage....

then IMO you are not a WAW as the term is used on here.

Walk away spouses are people who don't address issues directly but choose to deal with them by having affairs and/or giving up on the marriage without saying anything to their spouse and making secret exit plans. They are dishonest not only in that they don't ever speak to their spouses but also in the blameshifting that goes on in their heads. They cannot accept responsibility either for the fact that they had a joint responsibility to make the marriage work or for the decisions that they made to have an affair, plan an exit or leave. 

If that's you, then accept that responsibility. If that's not you - and from what you say it sounds like it may not be you - then it's not you and doesn't apply to your situation or to you.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I'm everywhere on the script.


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

Voltaire, I had a lawyer on retainer months before I left, I made secret exit plans and executed them flawlessly. I left at the tail end of the school year to have minimal long-term effect on the kids. I classify myself as a WAS, but truthfully, I don't think there was any other way for me to get out without having to remove myself from my kids' life.

I was not perfect. In the years leading up to the final rough patch, I did not speak my mind when things got said that were out of line, I thought it was more important to keep the peace than it was to stand up for myself. In the 12 months before I left, I believe I spoke as clearly as I could; but my spouse says I never talked to him. I think he just didn't want to listen. There are always two sides to every story. 

I come here looking for examples of behavior on how to be a better communicator; how to stand up for myself without being a jerk. To find a sense of community when I have no friends/family who have gone though what I am going through now. How to deal with the crazy when it comes (EnjoliWoman's ex is worse than mine, but I can draw parallels to the underlying behaviour). How to be the better me so in any future relationships I don't let the problems build until they are no longer able to be surmounted.

The original post only talked about how a LBS is 'wronged'; there is no self-reflection, there is only self-victimization. If a LBS really believes they did nothing wrong, believes they have no improvement to make, and they have good emotional stability then would they need to try and victimize themselves? 

The generalization of WAS as somehow deserving less; which I think is exemplified by Voltaire making clarifications to the definition of a "WAS," so maybe I wouldn't have to identify myself as one; is not a very healthy approach to take in general. Thus the 180.

I really believe that the feedback here targeted at helping people find different ways to handle an issue, or sharing one's successes/failures at handling relationships in a strong positive way are spot-on. But this original post isn't that. It isn't even close. I sincerely believe the net effect of a post of this nature is to drive away those who may be in the same state of emotional turmoil as the poster but on the other side of the story. It doesn't enlarge the community so that we may find understanding of other viewpoints, it doesn't help us to deal constructively with our own inner turmoil. It is rather a banner placed calling for battle against the wrongs done against an individual (LBS) when perpetrated by the wrongness that is labeled a WAS.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Morgiana

Your post is very honest, mature and clearly the process of a lot of self-reflection. I admire you for all of that, and in particular for your motivation to make yourself a better communicator (in response to what you perceive to be the things that you did not handle well during your marriage).

Few LBS's are dealing with someone with that degree of clarity and honesty. 

In defence of the headpost (and the idea behind this thread) let me offer a slightly different perspective. Most LBS's here have essentially just been told "The marriage is over and it's all your fault". Without warning they are thrust into this bewildering situation where they are far from clear what is going on, what has led to all of this and what to do about it. They are struggling for answers (which the WAS doesn't provide). They are "victims" only in so far as they have had something dumped on them that is completely outside their control and they don't understand the process that led to this point. They don't understand the spouses that they thought they knew. So this "script" is simply an attempt by people to go back and understand the process by which they (or rather the WAS) arrived at this point. It is an attempt to get a bit of a foothold somewhere. 

To make things worse, many LBS's are dealing with a WAS who is fully "fog bound", comparing a real life marriage with a fantasy of "freedom" or of a new life with someone with whom they are already having an affair. And the WAS is rarely transparent about this - they will typically deny and affair and be vague about their dreams of a new life (as if talking about it to their spouse will somehow sully or dirty it). Reality can never win when compared to fantasy. If there is anger and frustration aimed at WAS's I think that much of it comes from the fact that you simply can't have any kind of conversation with a fog-bound spouse. 

If you read the threads on here you will find LBS's full of guilt and remorse that they didn't spot the red flags and didn't take action earlier. In fact, when the typical WAS pins all the blame on the LBS in order to ease his/her conscience for their decision to leave, many LBS's initially accept all of the blame. I know that I did. And having accepted the blame and in many cases sincerely vowed to do something about it they are even more bewildered when their offers to change and to do things differently are rejected out of hand. To the LBS that seems very perfunctory and cruel - it certainly was for me. 

So whilst I can see your perspective that this thread seems a bit accusatory and victim-oriented, to me it is simply an attempt by LBS's to understand what has led them to the ILYBINILWY (or D-bomb) point. 

Perhaps it just underlines one thing that seems to be a feature of many relationships that end in this way - WAS's often seem to think that they have been very clear in articulating their concerns and that their views on the state of the marriage are entirely transparent. For whatever reason, LBS's are equally clear that they had no idea of any of that. Thre is a massive and growing communications gap. Trying to understand what has gone on in a WAS's mind is just the LBS trying to play catch up - but sadly too late.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Morgiana said:


> From the WAS perspective need to add in a couple of steps:
> 
> (ILYBANILWY-4years) WAS pleads with spouse to stop playing video games and engage WAS. LBS tells WAS they have to play games to escape from stress of work. In total, spouse spent 7 years gaming average of 7 hours a day. Although thats not directly why I left, left the marriage in a very fragile state.
> (ILYBANILWY-5months) WAS plug pulls LBS becase child is crying silent tears that daddy still didnt come through on a promise to spend time together after almost 2 hours. WAS is blamed by LBS that I caused him to lose the game.
> ...


I think helolover has done an excellent job observing the script - the similarities in the stories. 

#12 often involves LBS diving into IC, recognizing their own faults, and truly working to overcome personal issues and behavior patterns of their own that were brought into the marriage and did damage.


Morgiana, many of the things you listed are not as common across stories. 

-4yrs: LBS withdrawn and complacent. Granted. Hence helolover's acknowledgement of "autopilot" in #1

-5mo: A seemingly minor argument that should not be a major reason for divorce. We are all guilty of things on this scale.

-2mo: This does not apply to many LBS/WAS. Many LBS at this stage are doing nearly all the earning + parenting + housework in order to please the disenchanted distant WAS.

+1.5mo: Many LBS take the first step with therapy, suggest MC, and even go alone when WAS will not participate - resulting in IC.

+4mo: Many LBS "pay them to leave", giving more than they should during separation and D.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Morgiana, I think your situation may be different. You are correct: everyone has their limits. You were married to a gaming addicted spouse. You did what you could. I hope you are well and things turn out for you and your family. Thank you for responding and your inputs.

Voltaire, thanks for the clarification of the post. Couldn't say it better myself.

HL


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Also thanks to Zillard for clarifying as well too.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Another thing that needs to be added in there is the stage where the WAS says "things aren't as fun as they used to be", but they don't look inward and go "you know what, I'm depressing myself by not doing things I enjoy". No, instead they try to force their spouse into doing things their way and end up causing more arguments than they solve.

That's when most of these wives come here and say, "My husband doesn't listen to me anymore..... He just ignores me and watches TV after work.". Well, let's just think about that for a minute. Is he really ignoreing you, or are you nagging, b!tching, and insulting him to do things your way. I just want to shake some of these women and say "Look dummy, you've been married for how long?..... And you still think you can talk to him like he's a child or one of the girls?". Also, a lot of women with strong motherly instincts will actually scold their husbands like they scold their children. Sad but true.

And the husbands aren't any better. They come here during that time and complain that their wife isn't sleeping with them and then they tell the TAM boards how they try everything but still get rejected. "OK, dummy. She's your wife of so many years..... You can't seduce her the same way you did when she was dating. And part of that means sex for her has to come when she's not too tired and stressed out to enjoy it." But some men actually think they can do things their way and get pity sex without losing their wife's respect for them.

For both of them it's like..... Seriously how old are you? You should know that if your parents marriage sucked, you're going to treat your husband the same way your mother treated your father. And of course men are going to ignore your nagging, we get whe're your're coming from but a lot of the time it's just rude and you pull out insults to get your way. 

And men if you want to make sure she's sleeping with you and not some other man you have learn how seducing your wife is not like seducing your ex girlfriends. She has to feel respected, valued, and wanted, and sometimes that means you need to turn the other cheek to stop the fighting or open an MC book to fix the problem. 

But that's too intelligent for most people to reason. What most people can't figure out by that stage is that they're only trying two or three different methods to work on their marriage before feeling insulted and resorting to blaming and rage attacks. If you turn a screw driver on tight screw two or three times and nothing happens, you know what you're doing isn't working. You better rethink it because you're going to strip the screw. 

The biggest thing for people to realize here is that the "Something is missing" feeling is just hormonal! It has more to do with dopamine than anything else which usually means they're bored. But people are more likely to resort to the Pavlovian response of "I feel bad around my spouse, so it must be them making me depressed" and then later on..... "New person makes me feel go, So I must leave my spouse(or kill them) to be happy again with new person or other people.". They simply don't get it. They're miserable, I'll give them that, but they're misery is they're own doing. If you're not having fun at an Disney World because you've ridden every ride and know what to expect, go do something else. 

One thing I like to point out about relationships is that you have to cycle your affection for the best results. If you had a fantastic night of sex and a romantic dinner, and things just can't get any better. You are correct! Things can only go down from there. But instead of letting that drag you down, take a break and go back to a kiss and a hug over coffee and build back up towards sex in a few days or a week. If you have to take a few steps back, enjoy the walk and realize you'll get there sooner or later but you'll get there. 

I apologize for the rant. I've been thinking about this since last night and couldn't wait to write my thoughts down.


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## allowingthecakeeating (Mar 13, 2013)

Love this list! I am somewhere between 11-12. Thanks


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Note: many times 16 comes before 15b.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

No kids here, easy for me in many ways. My ex wanted to enjoy freedom, not be trapped (just as Voltaire wrote) but wanted to continue marriage. I gave her A and B but not C. I dropped the D. My logic is different I guess....she thought she was big n bold enough to step up to the plate. Ala Don Drysdale....I threw a few fastballs up and in....she did not like it. "But this is what you wanted"


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