# I thought we were both child free until my husband changed his mind.



## Ineedadvice1 (Nov 17, 2021)

I posted this (almost verbatim) in a child free forum on facebook to get some perspective and someone suggested that I seek out advice here. My husband and I have been married since 2013 and had been dating for a few years prior. Since the beginning of our relationship I have been 100% upfront about not wanting children and he has always been on board, or so I thought, to the point where he got a vasectomy about 2 years ago. We have had an amazing marriage and I have been very happy, but about 5 months ago he changed. He has become very distant, negative and at times mean. He just told me about a week and a half ago that he has not been his normal self because he has changed his mind and wants a baby, but just not with me. He said he has considered divorcing over it. I don't know what to do. I have tried to consider having a child for him but its just not for me. I am so unbelievably heart broken. I cant sleep and its all I think about.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Ineedadvice1 said:


> I posted this (almost verbatim) in a child free forum on facebook to get some perspective and someone suggested that I seek out advice here. My husband and I have been married since 2013 and had been dating for a few years prior. Since the beginning of our relationship I have been 100% upfront about not wanting children and he has always been on board, or so I thought, to the point where he got a vasectomy about 2 years ago. We have had an amazing marriage and I have been very happy, but about 5 months ago he changed. He has become very distant, negative and at times mean. He just told me about a week and a half ago that he has not been his normal self because he has changed his mind and wants a baby, but just not with me. He said he has considered divorcing over it. I don't know what to do. I have tried to consider having a child for him but its just not for me. I am so unbelievably heart broken. I cant sleep and its all I think about.


Quite often, when somebody says, "Not with you" you should probably check to see if they've been in contact with somebody else.
He went along with you, but he probably wasn't being honest about what he wanted.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

"Not with you" means he wants kids, but wants them with someone that actually _wants kids as well_...instead of doing with a gun to their head and against their will...I don't think it's necessarily more than that, but I don't know...

IME, people change their minds on this critical life decision....More often it's the woman that flips script...This same scenario happened with my cousin...He admitted he loved her, but because she decided she didn't want kids(after the fact), he dropped her cold..

Tough situation...if he truly wants kids and you don't(and if I am honest, I wouldn't want to have a kid with a woman that just capitulated and wasn't enthusiastic about it), then I think you are at the proverbial end of the road...Wish I could be of more help...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If he really wants a child then it's never going to work being with someone who doesn't. I am sorry. 
Is it at all possible that he already has someone else?


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

Ineedadvice1 said:


> I posted this (almost verbatim) in a child free forum on facebook to get some perspective and someone suggested that I seek out advice here. My husband and I have been married since 2013 and had been dating for a few years prior. Since the beginning of our relationship I have been 100% upfront about not wanting children and he has always been on board, or so I thought, to the point where he got a vasectomy about 2 years ago. We have had an amazing marriage and I have been very happy, but about 5 months ago he changed. He has become very distant, negative and at times mean. He just told me about a week and a half ago that he has not been his normal self because he has changed his mind and wants a baby, but just not with me. He said he has considered divorcing over it. I don't know what to do. I have tried to consider having a child for him but its just not for me. I am so unbelievably heart broken. I cant sleep and its all I think about.


You've been married eight years and now he tells you he wants children? That sucks. I'm sorry this happened to you. 

I never wanted children either and was very upfront about it with my husband when we started dating as I'm sure you were too. I guess it's easier for the man to change his mind since it's not his body IDK. Right now you'll need to work on accepting the fact that your husband wants children and you don't. Don't have a child to appease him, worst idea ever. 

You'll meet someone else who doesn't want to have kids.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

jonty30 said:


> he probably wasn't being honest about what he wanted.


The marriage "space" is full of people who make covert contracts. Like marrying someone whose habits you hate, thinking you can "change" them. If I kiss the toad, he turns into a prince 
Like "audition sex", which promises a life of fulfillment, by someone who doesn't want sex, but wants the conveniences of marriage. BTDT. By the sheer grace of God, I didn't marry her. If I had, not only my sex life, but my career also would have been down the tubes.



Cindywife said:


> Don't have a child to appease him, worst idea ever.


Exactly right. He can move on and find someone who wants children. You move on and find someone who doesn't. This is a logical and sensible approach. If you do this to "make him happy" ( I put this in quotes because it is impossible to "make" someone happy other than yourself ), you will resent every millisecond of your life you have to waste on the kid. It will be miserable.

Our daughter had this happen to her, in reverse. She wanted children, her fiance agreed. Later in the marriage, he reneged on children. She divorced him, and married an ex-high-school-boyfriend on the rebound who wanted kids, but had serious immaturity issues, and they brought a child into marriage from hell.

Please don't make that mistake, either. Set yourself apart from dating or any kind of serious marital pursuit for one year. Then, date your prospective husband for at least a year before engagement. Give the oxytocin time to wear off, and don't think you can make a prince out of a toad.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

I think these things happen quite a bit but it's probably skewed more towards women eventually wanting kids or more kids than originally agreed. Just biology. But regardless, I don't know if there is anything to be done here. If he wants kids and you don't then it won't work. Plus, as a poster said above, he doesn't want to have kids with someone that he knows doesn't want them. That is a recipe for disaster that can lead to resentment and eventually divorce but now with a kid in tow. I think if he wants a divorce, it's probably for the best for both of you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

It happens. But I think he was serious, hence the vasectomy. Very disappointing, for sure. Just let him go. He will never be happy like that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> It happens. But I think he was serious, hence the vasectomy. Very disappointing, for sure. Just let him go. He will never be happy like that.


Vascectomy reversals aren't always successful, so he may not even be able to father a child.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Vascectomy reversals aren't always successful, so he may not even be able to father a child.


You are correct.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Since he got a vasectomy, I can't believe that he was hoping you'd change your mind the whole time.

I'd say the more likely scenario is that he met another woman who he's become very interested in and she is the one that wants kids. Hence his change of heart. It's a good possibility that he was always rather neutral on children and as long as his love was for you he held your feelings. Now he's onto someone else and his desires have changed to mirror hers.

It's probably a lot easier for someone who has betrayed their partner to frame the dissolution of the relationship in terms of "I want kids now" rather than "I was cheating on you and I think I like her better."

Regardless, you've received good advice here not to have a child to please him. Not many things in the world more tragic than a child who knows they were not wanted. That's an impossible thing to conceal.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It is a lot easier to play the child card than it is to say I don’t want to be married anymore.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


jonty30 said:



Quite often, when somebody says, "Not with you" you should probably check to see if they've been in contact with somebody else.

Click to expand...

*Yup, yup, and yup.

Seems Prince Charming has found himself a girlfriend who very much intends to one day have kids. Otherwise, why on earth would he claim he doesn't want a kid with YOU and that he's considering divorcing you?

Something has suddenly changed his mind, and I'm betting it's a woman.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Ineedadvice1 said:


> I posted this (almost verbatim) in a child free forum on facebook to get some perspective and someone suggested that I seek out advice here. My husband and I have been married since 2013 and had been dating for a few years prior. Since the beginning of our relationship I have been 100% upfront about not wanting children and he has always been on board, or so I thought, to the point where he got a vasectomy about 2 years ago. We have had an amazing marriage and I have been very happy, but about 5 months ago he changed. He has become very distant, negative and at times mean. He just told me about a week and a half ago that he has not been his normal self because* he has changed his mind and wants a baby, but just not with me.* He said he has considered divorcing over it. I don't know what to do. I have tried to consider having a child for him but its just not for me. I am so unbelievably heart broken. I cant sleep and its all I think about.


I'm with others. If he really said that he wants a baby, just not with you, that is a very telling comment. Even if he thought you would say no it is a very odd thing to say. Especially for a man that has had a vasectomy making him the one that currently can't have a child. It really sounds like he has someone else lined up and he probably met her about 5 months ago. I bet if you do some digging you will find that he is likely involved in some kind of affair. That woman is probably telling him that she want him to make a baby with her. That would be quite a turn-on for most men and is likely what changed his mind. Just curious, how old are you and your husband?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Vascectomy reversals aren't always successful, so he may not even be able to father a child.


The joke's gonna be on him if he divorces you, then marries another woman, and that woman divorces him because he can't get her pregnant. 

He'd better watch out for karma.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Ineedadvice1 said:


> We have had an amazing marriage and I have been very happy, but about 5 months ago he changed. He has become very distant, negative and at times mean. He just told me about a week and a half ago that he has not been his normal self because he has changed his mind and wants a baby, but just not with me. He said he has considered divorcing over it.


I smell an NYC sized rat re his intentions. 

If he too felt he was in an 'amazing marriage', his wish to have a child would have expressed itself as a longing, and he would have discussed his change of heart with you to see if your feelings may have changed as well, or if there was some workaround.

He does not feel like he's in an amazing marriage, so you're not in an amazing marriage. That takes two. 

This guy wants out, and a baby may not even be -part- of the real reason; it could be just an excuse to exit.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> It is a lot easier to play the child card than it is to say I don’t want to be married anymore.


I agree. A lot of guys consider kids as part of the price of admission for marriage. Yes some really want to be married but guys aren't sitting around thinking up baby names. On top of that, many people settle for "good enough" when it comes to marriage. That was fine 30yrs ago, but now who wants just good enough? People are wrapped up in "their truth".

If a guy really wants kids he's not going to get a vasectomy AND marry a woman who doesn't want kids. He met someone, probably a very hot someone. Hotter than he thought he'd ever get. So hot that he's willing to put his own wants to the side and give her a kid. Actually kids, she'll probably knock a couple out as fast as she can.

If that is the case the joke will be on him. For one, he doesn't want kids and he'll be miserable. Secondly, very few women get their pre-baby figure back. Yes I know, some do, MOST don't. So there he will be, with kids he really didn't want and the fat, bloated, left out in the sun version of his dream girl.

Let him go. Lots of guys would love to have a woman who doesn't want/have kids. Time is the one thing you can never get back, don't waste any more on him.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> It happens. But I think he was serious, hence the vasectomy. Very disappointing, for sure. Just let him go. He will never be happy like that


did he lie about the vasectomy?
he is going to have a hard time getting some other person pregnant!

you could go half way, and adopt a kid....some other lady already did the hard part


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Couple of myths to dispel here...

Not all guys despise the thought of fathering a child...I didn't want to be a father right up until the age of 30, then had a change of heart...It happens, and I don't think it's really even rare....And I was very happy with the entire process and the outcome...I have the best thing in life that has ever happened to me....🥰

IVF is very successful after a vasectomy...A guy I know fathered 2 kids after 50 with that treatment...No need to reverse the surgery....

And lastly, it's not always "someone else in the picture"...It's possible, but I wouldn't immediately jump to that conclusion, but that's me...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yup, yup, and yup.
> 
> Seems Prince Charming has found himself a girlfriend who very much intends to one day have kids. Otherwise, why on earth would he claim he doesn't want a kid with YOU and that he's considering divorcing you?
> 
> Something has suddenly changed his mind, and I'm betting it's a woman.


It's also possible that she already has a child or children.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Al_Bundy said:


> I agree. A lot of guys consider kids as part of the price of admission for marriage. Yes some really want to be married but guys aren't sitting around thinking up baby names. On top of that, many people settle for "good enough" when it comes to marriage. That was fine 30yrs ago, but now who wants just good enough? People are wrapped up in "their truth".
> 
> If a guy really wants kids he's not going to get a vasectomy AND marry a woman who doesn't want kids. He met someone, probably a very hot someone. Hotter than he thought he'd ever get. So hot that he's willing to put his own wants to the side and give her a kid. Actually kids, she'll probably knock a couple out as fast as she can.
> 
> ...


Most men do want children. A few don't but they are a small minority.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

hamadryad said:


> Couple of myths to dispel here...
> 
> Not all guys despise the thought of fathering a child...I didn't want to be a father right up until the age of 30, then had a change of heart...It happens, and I don't think it's really even rare....And I was very happy with the entire process and the outcome...I have the best thing in life that has ever happened to me....🥰
> 
> ...


AND, a lot of fathers do not WANT TO BE fathers, right up until the moment they hold that newborn kid in their arms, and their biological genes kick in and a new father is born.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> AND, a lot of fathers do not WANT TO BE fathers, right up until the moment they hold that newborn kid in their arms, and their biological genes kick in and a new father is born.


And a year goes by and the "new baby" smell has worn off and the dad has a existential crisis.

Who knows?

Maybe he wants children maybe he doesn't.

She doesn't want kids. 

A lot of guys do want kids she'll need to find the one that doesn't.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Cindywife said:


> And a year goes by and the "new baby" smell has worn off and the dad has a existential crisis.
> 
> Who knows?
> 
> ...


i remember that smell. it was pretty rank!

i look at the whole "having kids thing" in two ways:
1) you end up with good hunting/fishing buddies
and
2) when you ARE ready to kick off, your kids can show up in the hospital room and cry about your going, and what a wonderful dad you were (even IF you sucked at it)


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> i remember that smell. it was pretty rank!
> 
> i look at the whole "having kids thing" in two ways:
> 1) you end up with good hunting/fishing buddies
> ...


Well, maybe some girls like to fish and hunt but I don't.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Cindywife said:


> Well, maybe some girls like to fish and hunt but I don't.


your daddy needed to start you fishing when you were five!


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Ineedadvice1 said:


> I posted this (almost verbatim) in a child free forum on facebook to get some perspective and someone suggested that I seek out advice here. My husband and I have been married since 2013 and had been dating for a few years prior. Since the beginning of our relationship I have been 100% upfront about not wanting children and he has always been on board, or so I thought, to the point where he got a vasectomy about 2 years ago. We have had an amazing marriage and I have been very happy, but about 5 months ago he changed. He has become very distant, negative and at times mean. He just told me about a week and a half ago that he has not been his normal self because he has changed his mind and wants a baby, but just not with me. He said he has considered divorcing over it. I don't know what to do. I have tried to consider having a child for him but its just not for me. I am so unbelievably heart broken. I cant sleep and its all I think about.


Did he explain why he doesn't want kids with YOU? Is it specifically because he knows you don't want them, or is it something else?


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## suburbanmom (May 28, 2018)

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Either, like many others said, he wants out and is using this as an excuse. Or, he's reached a point in life where the reality of what not having children means is hitting him for the first time. That happens, people do change over time. But neither of these things is your fault, and it stinks for you. I'm sorry.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> AND, a lot of fathers do not WANT TO BE fathers, right up until the moment they hold that newborn kid in their arms, and their biological genes kick in and a new father is born.


I only know 2 men who don't want to be father's. Most do.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Cindywife said:


> Well, maybe some girls like to fish and hunt but I don't.


Nor me. I care about animals far too much.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Talker67 said:


> AND, a lot of fathers do not WANT TO BE fathers, right up until the moment they hold that newborn kid in their arms, and their biological genes kick in and a new father is born.


Strange. I didn't want to be a father, even during the moment I held my newborn, and in the hours following. I don't think I had any biological genes. Yet I have been a dad to 5 children, and even to 1 foster son. I tried to do the best job I could. But I didn't really want the job.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Nor me. I care about animals far too much.


Does this mean you're a vegetarian?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

TJW said:


> Strange. I didn't want to be a father, even during the moment I held my newborn, and in the hours following. I don't think I had any biological genes. Yet I have been a dad to 5 children, and even to 1 foster son. I tried to do the best job I could. But I didn't really want the job.


I love my children, but I don't think I have the genes either. I have done a mixed job with them, especially bad in the last few years when our marriage tanked. Luckily, they are all grown up now and I can try and have a "normal" relationship with them. I was absent for some of the time and I hope they can forgive me for that.


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