# Until now.



## InspireMe (Jul 17, 2013)

I vowed until death do us part. I meant it, but I feel like he didn't. We are wonderful together until he comes home from work in a horrible mood. Let me start by telling our story.

I am 23 and we were married when I was 20. He is 29. I always figured it would be great being with someone older than me simply because of our maturity levels. In the beginning our relationship was envied. We were prefect! We both had steady jobs and we both worked 40 straight hours a week. Over the last year and a half his work has upped his hours and he is pushing 75 hours a week. Getting up at 2AM and coming home anywhere between 4 & 7PM 6 days a week. He is a very high strung and stubborn man. I completely understand that work is stressful and his coworkers are irresponsible and the entire company relies on him. So when he gets home he wants to do nothing. When I say nothing, I literally mean nothing. He sleeps on the couch and leaves me to do everything. We just purchased our first home together. So from going to a small confined space to cleaning a 4 bedroom home by myself, taking care of two dogs and cooking for him and I, is extremely stressful to me, especially after I have worked an 8-9 hour shift at work. When I ask him for help he says "I worked all day", which of course makes me snap back with "and I didn't?" but as he puts it, all I do is sit at a desk. While I do sit at a desk it is mentally challenging and exhausting. If I was a stay at home wife, I would do everything... But a little help here and there goes such a long way. He doesn't see that. 

I do work full time still and have been a part time college student for a little over a year now. I am studying to be a nurse. So 8-9 hours at work and then 4-6 hours at school and getting home at 11:30 pm, isn't an easy task. I do tend to come home to no dinner, the house hasn't been picked up and I have homework to do but I just drag myself into bed. I wish he knew the stress I am dealing with with work and school alone. Not to mention ALL of my health issues. Constant doctors appointments, constant surgeries. Nov 2012 I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer. I was a mere 22 years old. Scared out of my wits and no where to turn. I sat him down because your husband is supposed to be your rock... I told him the news and he got angry. I get that this is a normal reaction from some people but I'm very calm and I handle things differently. He got up and hugged me. That was the last time we talked about it for a good 3 months. Every time I tried to bring it up he wouldn't respond to me or he would tell me that he didn't want to talk about it. Well I finally got the nerve to ask why. He told me that it was his way of coping. I told him that it wasn't mine. That I needed him and he wasn't emotionally there anymore... This is where we went down hill. He has been a shell of a man ever since.  My health hasn't improved since then either. I've had Kidney Stones, Gallstones (still fighting that issue) and all my wisdom teeth have come in and now those need to come out. I've learned to just keep it to myself anymore, but it is eating me alive. I've gone as far as to going to a support group. I need him and I feel like he doesn't even care. 

We argue all the time. He has just grown to be mean. I feel like I don't matter anymore... I don't know where to begin to try and fix what we have. I love him more than anything in the entire world and I refuse to give up on him. Where do I even begin???


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

A marriage cannot make it on those schedules. 75 hours a week is EXHAUSTING and then there you are working ft and going to school at night. So what's happening is instead of dealing with the issue you take it out on each other.

Since I'm not talking to him my advice to you would be to stop cooking and cleaning for him until he learns to be nicer. Stop berating him for help because he's unable and unwilling to do so.

How long do you have left in nursing school? Anyway to take a break until you get your health back at least?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Please do not get pregnant. You cannot even imagine how much worse that would make things in the long run. Maybe you already realize that, but be extra careful. I hope your treatment will allow you to have kids if/when you are really ready.

As for the "division of labor," well--what's more important, the marriage or the 4 bedroom house? One of the biggest mistakes young couples make is over-reaching financially, and trapping themselves into a situation where they have basically eliminated the more attractive choices. Buying the big house is generally one of the more common forms of over-reaching. Now you have a mortgage and neither of you can give up the employment that made buying it possible.

One option would be to sell and buy a smaller, more affordable house and give priority to the marriage over the "stuff" (including the house) in your lives. Time is money--and to spend more time together, you have to sacrifice work/money. 

Another option is to take in roommates to relieve the financial burdern--rent out two of the bedrooms. It gives you more income and so he could cut back on work or find a less demanding job. 

Ultimately, though, the two of you need to agree on what is more important, because right now, you have developed some really dangerous (dangerous to the marriage) ways of operating. No one should have to go through cancer treatment alone, as you did. And now that you have done it, you have lost trust in him as being able to "be there" for you. That loss of trust is just an enormous abyss waiting to suck in what is left of your marriage. You need counseling now, both of you together--because you do not trust him--and this is not about fidelity, it is about being able to trust him emotionally, and being able to trust him to be there when things get tough in the future (and they will). Once a person realizes s/he cannot depend emotionally on his/her partner, that person will begin withdrawing b/c s/he will be learning to manage alone. And once you learn to manage alone (even while married), all the s*it your partner does will just become one huge irritation, and you will start to think, "I don't have to put up with this. It would be easier to be on my own." 

So focus on reducing the financial burden and getting some counseling together. If he is not on board with that, he's communicating that the marriage is not his top priority. It would be awful to have to face that truth, but better to know now if that is the case. 

Good luck.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Can you hire some help for cooking and housework to ease the tension? Seems like the easiest solution. After that, you two should discuss expectations about roles in the family and work and the overlap into each others lives. You should both be supporting each other. It isn't okay for him to expect your support without being willing to give what you need, too -- even if that is just a break from domestic responsibilities sometimes.


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## InspireMe (Jul 17, 2013)

I have about 3 years left going part time. I did end up taking off the summer so I could spend more time at home. I go back in September. Which seems like forever away and we have had a great summer together when it permits. I think one of our larger problems is that we are both stubborn and hard headed. Instead of walking away from one of his "fits" I fight back which makes it worse.... We never end up really talking the matter through. I have gotten better about it and I sat down and told him that I know he doesn't "talk" about his problems but he needed to make a choice and that was either to be better to me or I would leave. He has been great ever since and that was a few weeks ago... He's finally gone back to the man I used to know. Our lives are very stressful and I know that he emotionally is there he just doesn't know how to show it.


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## InspireMe (Jul 17, 2013)

Unfortunately we cannot afford it. My parents have been a huge help with the cooking thing as I have been working late and my mom (still hasn't gotten out of cooking for a big family) still "over cooks" as she says and she will bring it over.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

If your husband is occupied at work from 2am-4 or 6pm then he would have almost no time for anything else besides sleep. 
Unfortunately, it seems like you work just as much except part of it is done at home. 
I don't see how you two could live a mentally and physically healthy lifestyle like this together.


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