# Advice from anyone.....please!



## Almosthomeless (May 23, 2010)

I am 64 years old, my wife is 45, and we have known each other for 12 years and have been married for ten years. We have no children, have taken early retirement in the country, and have an active social life. Since June last year I have been ill with cancer, hopefully now sorted out. During this time my wife has been caring for me, and has done a great job. 
At Easter this year, with a days notice, she told me she was very depressed and having a nervous breakdown and needed some time on her own to ‘sort her head out’ and left to stay about 15 miles away. She says she wants to do things for herself, be on her own, live life to the full, she said she cares for me a great deal, that our age difference in not a problem, when pressed a little on the subject of love for me, says she cannot just stop loving me after 12 years. She says her passion for the marriage has gone; I know now that she has been thinking about leaving for a few months, but waited until I was a little better. She will not talk to me about why she feels this way, and I am reasonably sure she doesn’t know herself. 
In 12 years, I never knew that she bottles things up inside her. She will not go to doctor or therapist, to seek help.
I am assuming, with input from my doctor, that she was not emotionally able to cope with my illness, and has turned against me, the house, sex and our life together. After a lot of self-examination I also think that I have been too mean spending money in our retirement on the house and the holidays abroad, we used to have.
After two months away she has just told me that she won’t be coming back; though surely it is silly making major decisions whilst under stress. I love her deeply, but I don’t know that I am able to wait for her to see if she changes her mind.
I am not intending to give up on her, but just what can I do?
I have posted a fuller version of this story on another thread.

Almosthomeless.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Almosthomeless said:


> I also think that I have been too mean spending money in our retirement on the house and the holidays abroad, we used to have.


I don't understand what you mean by that. Please explain.

Tell us what you are not telling us. How did you treat your wife during your illness and during your marriage? You make it all seem too rosy and make it seem as if she up and suddenly made this decision. That is not possible, so what aren't you telling us.

Also, what about your situation makes you almost homeless?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I read your other thread, too. You say you are "sure" things were fine before you became ill, but do not be too sure. She has grown and changed a lot in the 12 years of marriage, while perhaps you have not--you were through those years of change when she met you. Women gain a self-confidence unlike anything before in their 30s and early 40s--so that may be a piece of this puzzle.

Another thought: she has faced mortality and realized she does not want to spend her life with the "limitations" the marriage imposes on her. If you have been selfish with money--spending on what you think is best, ignoring her expressed desires (you put $$ into the house when she really wanted to travel, for example), she may have decided she just can't keep living your life. This is NOT a criticism of you and your wants, b/c this would be an area for compromise. Have you been compromising in these ways throughout the 12 years? I don't know; I'm only responding to hints that perhaps you have not, and trying to explain how that might contribute to her decision to leave.

I'm sorry you are getting such a crushing emotional blow after struggling through a life-threatening disease. That is really tough. God bless.


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## Almosthomeless (May 23, 2010)

I will try to be brutally honest and explain; we have a sum of money in the bank and try to live of the interest in addition to a small private pension, until my state pension kicks in. My intention was always to leave enough money for my wife not to work again, after I had gone. The drop in interest rates has affected us financially a lot. The house is quite liveable but further work needs doing, I have always intended to, and have been, improving the house from our income, not the capital. Low capital, low income, I feel my wife just sees the cash in the bank and wants to get the house perfect now. Whilst we were both working, we had frequent holidays abroad and many weekends away; this has just about stopped since we retired in October 2006. 
The eight years of our relationship before retirement were great. I have always treated my wife well, loving, caring and certainly no violence. During my illness I relied on her totally, from June last year to when she left. I have had great pain, radiotherapy, operation, lots & lots of morphine, anti-cancer drugs with nasty side effects, the list goes on; it is difficult for me to say how I treated her during this period of time, as much of it is a fog due to the drugs, but I was never unkind, always as loving as I could be in my bleary world.
As regards the ‘almosthomeless’, when we bought the house, it was put in her name. (Where we live the inheritance laws are strange.) In August last year when we found out I had cancer, we put a largish sum of money in an account in her name only, and she has changed the password on the account, without me knowing, in March sometime before she left. Potentially I could have no home and only a little money to live on.
I have had e-mails from my wife today listing why she is unhappy and has left, I have copied/pasted below:--
No kitchen as promised four years ago with no sign of it and no say in priorities in the house.
Gardens still the same/ worse after four years - too tight to pay somebody to come and do some.
Barn got done - new floor - new upper floor - workshop sorted -all for loads of bikes you never use.....
No other work done on the house since bathroom two years ago - not even a lick of paint – guess you didn't care that much about the house/or how I felt. Wonder why I didn't want people there/partys there.
No effort put into sex life - you could have fixed that problem - your responsibility but again maybe I wasn't worth it.
You never helped around the house at all - domestic, offer to cook now and again, take out bins etc. etc.
Many men help their wives around the house - Xxxxx cleans windows, hoovers, cleans cars, dusts, cooks etc..
In time I just lost interest in love, affection, the house, cooking everything - something died inside me and I can't get that back - I felt trapped and unhappy - I felt exhausted after your illness and depressed about my life I needed to leave for my sanity and health as I was suffering and scared.-----
All of her comments have a little validity, but are nowhere near totally true, and she has ignored the many, many things I have done about the house and helping with housework. I will not explain my side of things at the moment, it would take too long.
Almosthomeless.


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## Almosthomeless (May 23, 2010)

Thanks for your comments Sister. I take on board what you are saying. I hope my post above gives more info.

Almosthomeless


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## Almosthomeless (May 23, 2010)

Sorry all, I meant to add that I think a big problem for us is that she does not nag about things, just drops hints. I have always said to her 'if you wanat something ask, men don't respond to hints', my fault for not 'listening' perhaps.

Almosthomeless


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Almosthomeless said:


> Whilst we were both working, we had frequent holidays abroad and many weekends away; this has just about stopped since we retired in October 2006.


This about sums it up. You write "we retired". And you commented earlier that age is not a factor.

I think you are mistaken. Your wife is much younger than you are and is not ready to just start her dotage.

Sorry to be blunt. But she has a lot more living to do at a higher level of activity than you are prepared to have.

I think you have lost her by showing her how soon mortality is at its end.

You are a cancer survivor and can even credit her for sticking around to support you emotionally through treatment. I think it took a higher toll on her than you realized.

She wants to live a fuller life than she can with you. Is it selfish? Kind of, but understandable.

You two are in different places in this life now.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

"The kitchen needs to be done" is not a hint. "The gardens need to be done" is not a hint. I don't know the exact things she said to you, but that she did not come out and ask "Will you do the kitchen?" does not mean she dropped hints. I am awfully sorry to say all this has to be the ultimate in clueless. Sir, she did not need or care for you dictating and controlling everything - the money, the progress on the house, your relationship, your sex life - and ignoring her wishes and her feelings. You had a problem listening to her, as you admit, and still paint a wonderfully rosy picture of how good you were to her despite her putting her grievances into print. This has to be the prime example of you not listening, while wanting to dictate what she needs. The result is you now have a walk-away-wife. She did not walk away because you "_have always treated my wife well, loving, caring_." You have to understand that what she needs is neither determined nor controlled by you, no matter how "well, loving, caring" you are being while ignoring her needs. I don't know if you see the juxtaposition here.

I knew there was more to this story and am delighted that for once, we actually get the other side of it. How rare is this?


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## Almosthomeless (May 23, 2010)

Thanks Michzz,
I think perhaps you have hit the nail on the head.

Thanks Susan,
for your comments. I would strongly disagree with your conclusions though; I consider you have put a crooked slant on what I have said.

Either way it looks like she has gone, no second chances,
never to return; I will just have to let her go.

thanks to everyone.
Almosthomeless


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

wait....let me roll up my sleeves 1st.

dont know what the statue of limitations are on golddiggers
but u may have harbored one for quite awhile.
(& pls dont defend her, for as u said "she's gone 4 good."

looks to me that u both lived a somewhat charmed life compared
to most. yet i dont get why u write as if u take blame so 
easily upon yerself for what has transpired.

1. kitchen repairs? 2. garden toil? 3. "mean" w/ too much $$ 
in vacations?? geeeez-louise/puuuuhleeeez !

1st off, who said it was yer job/responsiblity only? were these
major overhauls we're talking or not? women have been
capable of doing many things, esp pert to "garden work" 4
thousands of yrs(if not millions)!!!!

2ndly, u said it yerself. she was thinking/planning to leave
mths b4 she spoke up and did so. whats that tell ya ?
tells me she was conniving all along, enjoying the gravy
train till either the train loses steam, or runs outta track.

3rdly, sure she may have freaked out on the grim reaper
(as it appears to her, not me)coming around her home &
dropping the big "C" on you. death is not a pretty sight
unless u r of good character, and not a "party animal"
like her, only sticks around for the good times, wined &
dined etc. stop making excuses for her. she knew of 
yer age diff and what it likely meant yrs down the rd.
(unless she was an airhead, which i doubt)

yes i read the others here. i'm taking the other side of it.
stop being a patsy. u put that $$$ in her name.
not smart. u know now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She's 45. Why is she retired?


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

thats right........retired from hmmmmm, garden toil?

what was her background b4 u homeless?

dont tell us u met at the Red Barn hoedown or some

such pls.

see how quick her feet became after u empowered her

w/ some $$$ in her now changed pswd acct - not a red

flag mind u, noooooo. just a *FREAKIN' NUCLEAR MELTDOWN

ALARM *is all that was. :banghead:

House in her name too? what were u trying to do Almost?

buy her love/loyalty/silence/what ? :scratchhead:

and u never saw this coming, never entertained thought?


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

The crooked slant you detect is your inability to accept the fact that you never listened, and that your wife's feelings and opinions meant nothing compared to the decisions you made for whatever reasons. You still are not listening now because I said nothing more than she said herself. She enumerated her grievances, and I elaborated on them. That is all. But I guess it was too much to expect you to click on the link I provided. Information in the link defines exactly what happened and proves my point. You cannot listen and therefore cannot allow that I am right. It would mean your wife is right, and goodness forbid.

Your illness did not prompt her departure, as you so quickly agree with the suggestion. She had either already decided to leave but stuck around to nurse you after your diagnosis. Or, she was already seriously contemplating divorce, and the illness sealed her decision. You can let these men around here bash her and call her all types of names if you want and reduce 10 years of marriage and effort to nothing. Maybe it makes you feel better to make her the bad guy and tell me I slanted your message. That is not the case and you know it in your heart.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree. She has told you what her issues are. What are you doing to address them?


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

is too late, shes gone "T".

dont know if u were addressing me or other posters from older
post/diff forum Susan, but this fella sounds too weak for 
my taste, if u read how he makes excuses for both he n
she in this story. 
1. she took HIS money, as he said they were both retired, &
he had to make changes to her name/acct etc. then she
goes off n changes the password. M or F i have no problem
pointing fingers this as wrong wrong wrong, esp seeing how
she split soon after. seems he was the "sugar daddy" here
not her as "big moma."
2. house in her name. inexplicable 'cept 4 tax reasons.
but in his case, who knows?
3.unless they had agreements/mutual understanding that 
this is his job/concern, theres no law that says only M
can do this, F can do that re: house n garden, and who
knows what else.
4. maybe the guy is deaf as u imply, but maybe also 
it was as he said it was...."hints" maybe she did nag
(not as he recalls). alot of maybes, we dont know.

In any event, heres where many go wrong. be they M/F
most folks here, dont lay down the law w/ the approp-
riate deal breaker speech - "if u dont do this, stop this,
WHATEVER, then i'm GONE !!!! and mean it of course.

she couldve done that. but no, she had her escape set.

i do like Sisters approach/post written not far above this.

would be curious to read her version of course. esp bout
the changed pswd w/out telling him.


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## Almosthomeless (May 23, 2010)

Thanks for all your post. For Susan, I have spoken to wife and she says she was not controlled by me. She definitely only mentioned kitchen in passing hints, no outright comments, she says she is not a nagging wife. She also says that caring for me whilst I was ill trigged all of the unhappiness/niggles that she had. 
To turnera I have offerd to address ALL of her complaints, but she is not interested, will not talk about reconcilliarion at all; her decision is FINAL.
To Michzz, I have spoken to her about the mortality angle and she says no, not an issue, the only issues are what she sent in the email that I posted; hard to belive but there you are. 
To CB45, yes at the moment I am physically and emotionally weak, not my usual self. I trusted her totally and she was my entire world. The house name was for inheritance/tax reasons. I don't think she is a gold digger (we shall see), I think that she just wants to be single again, have all the befnefits of married life, but without me.
I think the main problem has been in communications between us, her not 'talking' to me or speaking up and me perhaps not listening to the hints as well as I should have. Its all so very sad for a marriage to end for a list of what are essentiall petty and fixable problems.
She said again that she just wants to be on her own and find herself, without any stress or pressure, carry on the way we are at the moment. I will not accept this situation and will press for the hard conclusion that she does not want to face.
I feel I have been accused, tried, found guilty, and excecuted, all without the chance to say anything in defence.
I will find it impossible to trust anyone agsin.
I have decided to let her go. We meet wednesday pm to hopefully sort seperation things, animals, house, money etc, out. I will also press her for a quick divorce ( I have grounds already), as now I have decided that I need closure on this stage in my life to allow me to move on.
Thanks again for all your replies.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

best of luck 2 u Homeless.____

sounds like u have it figured out, w/ a plan of action.

seems reasonable to me.

many would do well to emulate u.____:smnotworthy:


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

She changed the password b/c she does not trust him--and why should she? He makes decisions based solely on what he wants, and her voice was lost in the wind. She was afraid he'd screw her, financially, if she gave him the chance.

Both the house and the account were in her name for tax purposes. Wanting to avoid taxes may be considered normal, but here's the penalty you pay for avoiding a civic responsibility. Yes, people do it all the time, but that does not make it right.

Twelve years is too long for a gold-digger to hang out. She married an older man for whatever reasons, and discovered he was not the partner she thought/wanted. She probably had that figured out after 5 years if not sooner. She tried to make it work, but nothing changed. She gave up, kept trying to be ok with it for 7 more years, and the illness tipped her over the edge--she knows how short and precious life is and she cannot keep making sacrifices on his behalf. 

As for why she didn't just "do" the things he mentioned--garden, kitchen--it involved $$, not work. He made decisions about it w/o even taking her opinion into account, when it should have been joint decisions from the get-go. The whole situation suggests he was unable to really hear her. I may have already said, she should have dragged him to counseling long ago. Maybe she tried or suggested it. But they have both made mistakes. If she is a decent person, she will not keep him penniless--nor will the courts allow it if all the assets and wealth is in her name (no gender bias on this). She'll have to pay spousal support, esp. being younger. 

OP, I'm sorry you have had to learn this the hard way. You felt that you were doing enough to "help," when she wanted an equal partnership and not just "help." She hasn't forgotten "all" that you did--it was never nearly enough. It sounds, from her post, that she told you what she was unhappy about or needed to change, like she's saying none of these things are new complaints. While it may be hard for you to comprehend, your way of seeing things is exactly the problem--you cannot imagine her point of view b/c you do not try to put yourself in her shoes. Try, and see if that helps. Maybe you can still do something about it if you truly see what type of partner you were. I'm not saying you were "bad," I'm saying she felt the partnership wasn't working. You can change, or you can just give up, and maybe repeat the same mistake with someone else. But she's given you a clear message.


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## Almosthomeless (May 23, 2010)

To sisters359, your conclusions are all false, she changed the password because she was scared. I have done nothing not trust her for 12 years. The decisions made were joint, not soley by me. To be accurate the house and account were in her name for inheritance purposes, not tax, where we live, the inheritance laws dictate that prodeeds of death are split between wife and children (of my previous marriage) no choice involved. With the house and account in her name we agreed she would 'take care' of my children. Is that trust on my part or what?
As regards the money for work on the house, I have already explained that and you have ignored it, she never ventured an 'opinion'; if she had, I would have listened, I am a good listener WHEN people speak, and we would not be in this situation now. 
She is not a gold digger. The women that is her now is not the normal person that I, her family and friends know. I have looked at all sides, hers and mine, she is in a dream world and needs professional help or a reality check; this should happen wed.pm.
Your comments about me not doing enough are rubbish. Please don't try to tell me how I felt or feel. My way of seeing things and her way of seeing things may have conflicted, but that does not make me in the wrong. We have both made mistakes, the biggest one being communications, but I reiterate, she NEVER, NEVER spoke up about any problems.
She certainly says the partnership is not working, she also said 'it was not me but her'.
I have been doing nothing but trying to get her to reconsider her decision for the past few weeks. I have offered to change everything in my life to get her back, but she is adamant it is over, no going back. So, time for me to call closure in the affair and move on.
Thank you for your comments, though I consider them to be very flawed.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

Homeless, i appreciate yer patience w/ us in trying to understand what u
have posted here on TAM.
i must say your posts r difficult to interpret as they r indeed 
"rosier" and ambiguous at times than most others seen here on 
a day to day basis. your caution comes off sometimes as if u 
r not telling everything, or coloring it as it really isnt, making the
reader reach out for intuitive impressions. some of these r on
the money, some r not. i guess this is why i used "weak"
to get u to come out of yer comfy zone.

all we have is what u say. we surely want to give u the 
benefit of the doubt, but that benefit must be tested at
times, as uncomfortable as it may be/seem.

time will tell on my golddigger impression. hope u r right
on this point.

Sister, the only impression i get from u on this one is
u r definitately swayed by the M vs F angle, with 
an almost venomous attack on Homeless, based upon
gender(alone?). u ignore what he has mentioned 
several times, some key facts re: the hints, money,
house, and communtication in general. he has 
defended her, & taken some of the blame for their
demise. yet u continue to attack him incessantly.
Why?

does his story "strike a nerve" w/ u? OR r u like me in
(sometimes) being antagonistic in order to flush out
the truth, or meaning of ambigous prose? i've not
read all yer posts, but of the ones i've seen, u r usually
more tactful than what was seen here.

i would hope u r not just biased toward F's, when it comes
down to he did/she did stuff. thats the way u read here.

just had me concerned as it didnt read like u, and maybe
i missed picking up on a key pt u didnt write. all here is
opinion, i get that/it.

again, i havent read many of yer posts.

Homeless, pls give us a link to the original forum/posts
u made on this.

tks. to all


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> She changed the password b/c she does not trust him--and why should she? He makes decisions based solely on what he wants, and her voice was lost in the wind. She was afraid he'd screw her, financially, if she gave him the chance.
> 
> Both the house and the account were in her name for tax purposes. Wanting to avoid taxes may be considered normal, but here's the penalty you pay for avoiding a civic responsibility. Yes, people do it all the time, but that does not make it right.
> 
> ...


sisters359 , your conclusions about op's situation seem too extreme . If op's wife really cared she would have tried to work out the issues rather than now using these as excuses. 
It doesn't matter if she is giving a clear message now when she says its over .

I think only reason why she left is she doesn't want to be with op in his illness anymore . That happens , not everyone has the heart to stick by you in good & bad times .


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

Almosthomeless said:


> No kitchen as promised four years ago with no sign of it and no say in priorities in the house.
> Gardens still the same/ worse after four years - too tight to pay somebody to come and do some.
> Barn got done - new floor - new upper floor - workshop sorted -all for loads of bikes you never use.....
> No other work done on the house since bathroom two years ago - not even a lick of paint – guess you didn't care that much about the house/or how I felt. Wonder why I didn't want people there/partys there.
> ...



I know there is no way to accurately give opinions on a forum, but just from the info above it sounds like she was expecting one life and it was too slow in coming to fruition and she just gave up on ever having the perfect little farm house that you both dreamed of. Living in an unfinished house would drive some people insane, especially a wife. How is your health? Can you finish these projects? Do you really feel that is the only reason she left or is she just planning on cleaning you out? Honestly, does she do more than her share around the house? Does she work her butt off and you don't do much or is she lazy and expects you to do it all?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Almosthomeless said:


> No kitchen as promised four years ago with no sign of it and no say in priorities in the house.
> Gardens still the same/ worse after four years - too tight to pay somebody to come and do some.
> Barn got done - new floor - new upper floor - workshop sorted -all for loads of bikes you never use.....
> No other work done on the house since bathroom two years ago - not even a lick of paint – guess you didn't care that much about the house/or how I felt. Wonder why I didn't want people there/partys there.
> ...


If I were not such a weak person, I would have left my husband many times over for exactly what your wife just described. Yes, it IS enough to leave a man for. In the last house we built, he wouldn't let the builder come back in and stretch the carpet, so it rippled - all over the house. I could barely vacuum it, and could never get it cleaned. I did INDEED stop inviting people over, I was so ashamed of that house.

I also had no say in priorities. In fact, if I said I wanted something done, he specifically goes out and does something ELSE! How do you think she felt when she commented what she wanted, and you did nothing, or something else? You 'taught' her that you place her below yourself in priorities.

I ordered things like a bridge to build into my garden and he said he would put it together, wouldn't let me (hinted that I couldn't do it right), and it got buried in the garage for the last 16 years - 3 car garage that is so full of his junk we can barely fit the lawn mower in it let alone a car. He did the same with the window boxes I ordered - buried somewhere in the garage. For eight years.

He cleans the kitchen once every 3 or 4 months, yet complains if the kitchen isn't kept clean every OTHER day. So, yeah, he, too, gets to say that he does housework. Just not enough to matter, or to make a difference in the day to day life I live where I have to work full time and THEN go home and work another 6 hours, while he watches tv or sleeps.

Our house hasn't been painted in the 8 years we've lived here. We have holes in the ceilings from leaks and from where he stepped in the attic and fell through. The fireplace mantle is broken for the last 2 years. He never fixed our bathroom doors so I can use a rug - because it doesn't matter to HIM if there's a rug in there, so he never thinks of it.

I could go on for hours but suffice it to say, what YOU think you do is not a correct assessment - especially if she is willing to leave you over it AND she is writing the list down for you. 

She's giving you valuable information, and you flat out dismissed it. Which is probably what you did in your marriage, so she left.

Just like you, he thinks he does 'plenty.' But it is selective memory. DD19 told him last weekend he needed to help and he said he just did the dishes; she said 'that was 2 weeks ago.' But in HIS mind, he just did the dishes. And was upset that we didn't reward him for doing so.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

OP, you can attack me, but all I'm doing is trying to interpret what you and she have said. 

If your style is to attack people for trying to help, then I may be more right than I thought. Simple politeness dictates that you listen, weigh the merits of the feedback, and take it or leave it. 

But like your wife, I will just stop trying to express anything b/c it is clear it will never be heard.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I, too, quit expressing myself to my husband when it became clear he wasn't listening. I haven't spoken 100 sentences to him in the last 10 years, and most of those were work-related. And he never even noticed. Because he was getting everything he wanted.


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