# Long story for those interested, Do I still have a chance?



## I Love My Wife (Mar 27, 2009)

Hello all, 

I have a long story to tell. First, my wife and I are on very shaky ground now. This came all of a sudden to me early last week. But, I am going to start at the beginning. This is a very long story with some very hard points for me to relay, so I will do my best. I want to know, if I have a chance with her still or not. There was never any infidelity or affairs, the only thing that has been ongoing recently is my wife’s depression. 

Start at the beginning, this is the condensed version, but I am trying to give the most pertinent details:

We met November 12, 2001. I was working in the auto parts industry in southern California. We went on a date and slept together on the first night. To be honest, this wasn’t the first time this had happened to me, but I was sure that I really liked this girl, almost love at first sight, and immediately wanted to go out with her again. We went out for a couple of months. I was still living at home at the time. I don’t remember all the details why, but she moved in with me and my parents after about 3 months. 

We had many adventures together for the next several months, and most of our time was spent together. A couple times she went to visit her parents in New Mexico and we both would talk every night to each other on the phone. In October of 2002, we moved up north to the Eureka area. Still in California. 

Everything went pretty good, but I was always a joker, and less of a romantic. I never gave her the romantic gifts that most women crave, but at this point we were very much in love. I proposed to her on Valentines day, 2003. We lived in northern California for several months later. In August, she became pregnant. I was a little bit scared at first, but I was also happy. To think, I helped in making a baby with my lovely wife (we weren’t married yet). November of that year, we decided to move again, this time to New Mexico where her parents and my brother lived. We both thought it would be better to be there since it was so expensive to live in California. 

So we lived in New Mexico, and I had a job as a construction worker. It was going well, I bought a house that was well beyond our means, but I had worked a deal out with her father and we all shared the house, rent and utilities. It was to be a fixer upper and a quick flip. Three months into my new job in construction, work dried up. And that became a problem. So I got a job at Firestone Tire and did very well there for the next 3 years. 

My son was born, we got married, we sold our old house to my inlaws (this didn’t go as planned), bought another house, things were good, and 3 years later, I became unhappy with my job. I did some very stupid things at this point. I had a serious problem, I started to embezzle tools from the company until the day I quit. When I quit, I started working with my father in law. Everything was going well, but I had this guilt on my mind about the whole embezzling. Then it happened, I was in trouble with Firestone, and I took some stupid advice and did nothing about it. My wife found out, and it about tore us apart. 

I was able to pay back Firestone and not have to go to jail, thanks to my father in law. I borrowed money from him, and then payed him back completely. I worked with him for the next year and a half. Then he and I had some differences (not major at the time) and we went our separate ways. 

At this point, I had found out that my wife was raised in a cult, molested, raped, abused mentally and her parents are so brainwashed that they never did anything about it. I was enraged about this. I noticed that my wifes “fun side” was starting to deteriorate. I started to blame her parents, and thought that they were the problem since they were her connection to the cult. So I convinced her to stop talking to her parents. She did about 3 months later. We then moved in 2008 to Indiana were we live now. Shortly before moving, she started on anti depressants.

I was becoming more of a controller of my wife at this point, without knowing it. Since we moved here, I had no work, and it became very hard for me to associate with my wife, because she just didn’t do much anymore. There was a bit of resentment from me, but I still loved her very much. But the next 4 months, I didn’t have much in the way of work, and I spent a lot of time on the computer doing nothing, and my wife told me later that she was lonely. Like I said earlier, there was never any infidelity. 

About 2 months ago, my wife started talking to her parents again, because of health issues. They now have a good relationship.

About two weeks ago, is when it all really hit me. She had a friend out for her birthday, and we got into an argument and she told me that she needed some time off from me, so that she could heal herself. On the same night, she took off with her friend and they got a hotel together in town (this was planned weeks before, not spur of the moment). I felt as if I had been kicked in the gut. She was gone two nights. I was determined to be better and to try and save our marriage. 

I did a bunch of things for her and tried to give her a good welcome reception when she came back. I stopped spending time on the computer, and spent more time with her, but I was careful not to “smother” her with my affection. I still love her very much. 

But then, I did it again. My wife had been telling me that she has problems that she needs to deal with and I wanted to be there to help her. But she didn’t want my help, she just wanted time and support. But I pushed her, into telling me what the problems were. 

And she hit me with the thoughts, and they hurt me, but I still love her. She said she had this incredible guilt that she has been holding for the last 7 years (as long as we have been together). She told me that before she met me, she slept around a lot. Some people in the cult noticed this and let her know this was unacceptable. So when she met me, she grabbed on with both hands in an effort to leave the cult. I got her out unknowingly, and she used me in a fashion. But she said for the 7 years that we have been together she has never been “in love” with me like a husband/wife relationship. She says that she does love me, but more as she loves a friend, and she has been trying for 7 years to fall in love with me. She told me that she definitely needed space from me for a while. So we are taking a break. I asked her if she still wanted to be with me, or if she wanted me to be there for her in the end, and she replied “I don’t know”

I need to define something here before I continue. I let her know that when I say “I love you” I mean it in more than a friendship sort of way. I love her as a husband loves his wife, possibly more.

This hurt. But it doesn’t bug me. I am willing to try with her. Since we talked a week ago, she went to New Mexico to visit her parents. And she is going to take some time alone with no distractions with her friend in Washington State. Before she left I was irrational and told her that I was going to move back to California to be with my family. I was so upset at that time. But then I started thinking rationally and got my head on level. I called her and told her that I was not going to leave, because of our son, and that I still loved her and I wanted to fight for us. I did mention marriage counseling, and she agreed. It wasn’t a reluctant agreement but it wasn’t enthusiastic either. 

I then told her to go and be with her family in New Mexico, and then to come back to me. I said we can deal with our problems then. I am giving her time.

Everyday we have talked since then. I am not the one to initiate the talking on the phone. I have left the ball in her court every time. We are chit chatting here and there and trying not to talk about our problems. I think this is good because we are keeping communication open. Every time we talk, she is the first to say “I Love You” before we hang up. A couple of days ago, I sent her an email with what has been going through me as a result of this. This has become a reality check for me. I have attached the email below (with names removed). There is more after the email:

“xxxxx,

I am sitting here with another woman in my lap. She is about 8 inches tall, a bit hairy, and really smells like a dog!! We both miss you!!

[picture of me and dog]

I took that picture with my phone, I couldn’t find the camera, so it is a bit blurry. Sorry!!

But, I have some meaning to this letter that I am typing to you. I have a lot of thoughts that I would like to get off of my chest. I wanted to call you and talk to you about these things, but I think it may be too much at once. You read this at the pace that you feel good about. I love you so much.

xxxxx, what has been happening for the last two weeks has made me realize my errors. I want to take the time now and apologize for what I have done in the past. You are a great person, and I love you unconditionally. Regardless of what happens with us in the future, I want you to know how I feel. 

I am a very selfish man. I have been a very selfish husband. I have done terrible things in the past and I regret each and every one of them. I have always wanted you to myself, and I have had a very hard time sharing you. I now see what this has caused, and I would like to tell you that I am truly sorry about what I have done. You actually deserve a better man than me. I want to be a better husband, and I want to be a better friend.

I am going to start back awhile. Remember when you were having all the issues with your parents. I know I was pushing you to stop talking to them. I remember the day you actually did stop talking to them. I remember how much you were crying, and I still remember the feeling in the pit of my stomach because I thought for sure at that point that I was the one who caused all your pain. I am sorry. I love you. I should never have done this. I remember asking you if you did this for me, or if you did this for yourself. You said, yourself. I never believed that. Even now, I want to apologize to your parents for this, but I don’t know if I should or if I should wait. So, if you feel like it, have them read this letter too. xxx, xxxxx, xxxxx, and xxx: I have done a horrible thing, and I am so very sorry. I have caused pain to you all and your beautiful daughter xxxxx, and I wish so much that I could take it all back.

After you stopped talking to them, I tried to fill the void, but I don’t feel like I ever did. You deserve your parents. They are wonderful people, even if I don’t agree with their beliefs, I want them to know that I love them, and I feel like **** for any pain that I may have caused. Some of my fondest memories in life are with your dad. I wish that in the past I wasn’t so negative to him, and your mom, because I know that they are special people. Without them, I would never of met you!!

The same goes for pushing you from your friends. I don’t know why, I think it was my aggression to [the cult]. But they still are your friends. Again, I am selfish. You have never had an issue with my friends, and I have had several issues with your friends. I have changed. I am a better man now. 

I really started to realize how good you are for your friends last week when I had to call xxx over to help with you (last Friday). I was doing everything that I know how to try and calm you down, but instead I was escalating the situation. Mainly because I was at the center of the situation. When I called xxx over, I saw how fast she was able to calm you down and I realized at that point, she is a good friend/family. You and her really do have a bond that I cannot fathom, and I want to embrace it. I talked to her today at lunch, and I told her that I have acted bad when it comes to you and her. I previously thought that misery thrives on misery, but instead you two help each other in your times of need. With all the help that I have been getting recently, I have realized that again, I am very selfish, and I want to change. I am here for her now, and I want to be here for everyone else that I know.

One more thing. The other night, we were going to watch the movie Fireproof. Again, I pushed you. I HAD to know the problem. In all reality, I wish I didn’t ask. I really did NOT need to know the problem, I just needed to support you. That’s what I intend to do from this point on. I have watched you for years, and had problems with you helping others, and here I am now, realizing that I should have been helping you throughout our journey. I am going to take your example from this point on and be a very supportive husband to you. You deserve it.

I have been a selfish man for a long time. I always thought that being selfish was being materialistic. I was wrong. My actions have spoken louder than anything else, and I honestly do want to change. 

I went and picked up the truck today from your cousins, and I saw that movie Fireproof and a book (Love Dare) from xxxxx. I am going to start reading the book tonight. I would like to watch the movie too, but I didn’t know if you still wanted to see it with me. Let me know when you feel like it. 

I wrote this letter to let you know some of the things that are on my chest. You don’t need to talk to me about them, unless you want to. I know that it is a lot to deal with, so I don’t expect an answer at all. And I mean that. I have changed, and I will continue to change. I love you unconditionally and will continue to do so. You are a wonderful person, and I love when you are around. 

All my love,”

She read the letter today. She called me afterwards and said thank you. I told her I feel like I am in the dark here still, but I am willing to wait. She told me that she was going to write me a letter before she heads back home. We both said I love you and now I am posting this message. 

PLEASE HELP. I don’t know if I am doing the right or wrong thing, this is so odd to me. Is there still a chance for us?

I will answer any questions asked because I have probably left out a bit. Its just too much to write down. Thanks!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

well its going to be a rough ride for you two. she probably wants to love you but with her past, she probably doesnt know how. and you are set out to show her. codependency comes to mind. 
you are so lost and consumed by her problems. if you're dead set on being in this kind of relationship, just be prepared for a very rough ride.


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## I Love My Wife (Mar 27, 2009)

Blanca said:


> well its going to be a rough ride for you two. she probably wants to love you but with her past, she probably doesnt know how. and you are set out to show her. codependency comes to mind.
> you are so lost and consumed by her problems. if you're dead set on being in this kind of relationship, just be prepared for a very rough ride.


I AM dead set on being with my wife. I would like some help, and am seeking counseling for myself. I am no longer trying to change my wife, I have figured that was wrong, so I am trying to change myself for the better.


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