# Considering Divorce ... and Abortion?



## cncrnd19 (Mar 21, 2019)

Hello everyone. I am new here and in desperate need for advice. As background, my husband and I were high school sweethearts and have been together on and off (mostly on) for about 14 years. We married 4 years ago but have been having much difficulty. I think it is nearly toxic at this point and I am not sure if it is growing pains that we can fix or if I am just settling and ignoring red flags. 

I was heavily considering divorce before this, almost ready to file, and now I just found out I am pregnant with our first child. I am scared to bring a child into this situation. I didn't wait until age 30 just to bring a child into something un-stable. I really want to be a mother but am not sure this is the right time or partner? I hate that I hadn't taken the steps toward divorce sooner and now I am in this situation. But I also wonder if I need to just own it and move forward to make this work. Not sure what to do.

An overview of our problems:

1. Past issue of infidelity
Last year we were at a friend's house with a number of other married couples. Everyone was drinking except me as I had another event to attend. My husband and another man's wife (who I considered a friend) started getting what I considered flirtatious in their dancing and laughing etc. I didn't say anything because I thought I might be over-reacting. After all, the people there are all married and with their significant others. Ultimately at the end of the night, I saw my husband and this friend go into the bathroom together. I immediately follow and knock on the door a few seconds after it closed. The woman replies she's using the bathroom as if shes in there alone. I wait around and sure enough my husband comes out. I then immediately removed myself from the party. Both of them reached out to me repeatedly saying they were joking and were racing to the bathroom arguing over who would get to use it first, but obviously that makes no sense when they both went in and shut the door with the lights out. My husband also claims nothing happened because "it was only a short time." I am certain something would have happened had I not knocked. I also suspect a kiss might have happened in the time they were in there. This is when I almost filed for divorce but agreed to go to counseling before filing. 

2. Communication
I feel very unheard. Whenever I express my feelings to him, be it a big issue or a small one, his first response is "no" or to deny what I'm feeling. I could say you've made me feel xyz when this happened- and he tells me that's not true. He never tried to empathize, big or small. He just denies what I am telling him. I don't feel like I can talk to him about anything, or that we can fix any issue, because he denies that the problem even exists. I understand marriage is about compromise, but how can we ever compromise if we don't acknowledge there is an issue? I feel like there is some gas-lighting going on. We argue daily at the smallest things because he disputes literally anything that comes out of my mouth. 

3. Placing blame and serial deflection
He also never acknowledges anything that he does wrong. He is unwilling to change. He just defends his actions no matter how silly. He doubles down. And then he has the nerve to deflect back on to me. This happens in big and small issues but for the sake of time, I will share a silly example: We just got our carpet shampooed and I came home to a huge muddy footprint in the floor. I said wow we just got the floor cleaned I thought you were going to take your shoes off. He replies "well you were rushing me so you made me walk across the floor with my shoes on." I immediately asked how I "made" him do anything and called out his attempt to blame me for everything he does himself. He goes "well I'm not saying you're the only one to blame but you are to blame too." He can just never take responsibility for his actions. If I call him out he just says I'm negative. 

4. Unattraction
I find myself unattracted to him because of this. When we got together it was not because of physical attraction; it was because he was nice, kind, and gentle. So now that that's gone, I feel like what do we have.

5. Financial Issues
We are financially very stable but I am the bread winner and I contribute more to our household because of that. I am okay with that but I do feel like he does silly things with his personal money. Also that he pays to support his family who struggles with his personal money. At times I agree but other times I feel he is going too far to support them when they should support themselves (paying their bills, buying them cell phones). I also feel like if he has money to support them then he could pay more to our household and I shouldn't be paying more than he is if he has that much money to give to other households. He has explicitly told me he "doesn't give a f what I think."

So ultimately I am just feeling like I married a brick wall and there is no self reflection. If he won't even acknowledge the issue, how can we begin work on it so we have a successful marriage? And so I am hesitant to bring a kid in to watch us argue daily although I do feel like I am ready to be a mom, and he would be a great dad, even if not such a great husband.

*Please give me your opinion but refrain from using this as a place to debate the morals of abortion or to shame people for their choice.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Why waste any more time of your life?
Divorce and abort. Have children with a more suitable partner. Life's too short.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Does he know you’re pregnant?
This could be the wake up call he needs or it could be the final nail in the coffin of your marriage. 
Either way he needs to know about the baby.


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## cncrnd19 (Mar 21, 2019)

He does know and is excited. He is upset that I am considering abortion.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

cncrnd19 said:


> He does know and is excited. He is upset that I am considering abortion.


Is he willing to work on your relationship or is he just excited about becoming a father?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why does going through with a pregnancy you want mean you must "make it work"?

You can't comparent apart?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

About #1...

There is nothing that makes what he did with the other woman (OW) ok. If he was willing to do that at a party where you are, I can only imagine what he has done when you are not around. 

Does the OW's husband know what happened? If not, you need to tell him. This woman is not your friend. You should cut her out of your life. That means that even if you stay married to your husband, you should not have a relationship with the couple.

Have you even checked your husband's phone history to see if there is any number that he is talking to, or texting, a lot? I would. There is a good chance that there is more to this cheating thing than you are aware of.

Is this the only time you are aware of him cheating, or behaving inappropriately with another woman?


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## cncrnd19 (Mar 21, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> Is he willing to work on your relationship or is he just excited about becoming a father?


He says he is willing to work on it, so we've started going to a counselor. The counselor says he is having problems with maturity but doesn't really take him to task on much. It's only been a few sessions though.


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## cncrnd19 (Mar 21, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> About #1...
> 
> Have you even checked your husband's phone history to see if there is any number that he is talking to, or texting, a lot? I would. There is a good chance that there is more to this cheating thing than you are aware of.
> 
> Is this the only time you are aware of him cheating, or behaving inappropriately with another woman?


I have checked. We also share location with one another. I am relatively confident he is not cheating. I see his phone bill etc as well. I think if he were to cheat it would be a one time thing that I wouldn't find out about, not something ongoing. As for the past, he has behaved inappropriately before our marriage, but it was a grey area where we were on again off again. We were "off" but we had just broken up so I was suspicious about how quickly he moved on with someone he knew before we were "off."


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## Kay43 (Jan 4, 2019)

The incident in the bathroom would have been it for me because there was no excuse for that. However, alcohol makes people do really stupid things and I can remember doing REALLY stupid things back in the day. Don’t abort. You won’t regret it when you hold that baby for the first time. Plus it’s his child too so that’s not fair to him if he’s happy about it. Kids make you grow up real fast (though not for all). So like another said maybe this will be a wake up call for him.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Since you're asking for opinions.....abortion is murder.

Bring the baby to term and adopt out to a loving heterosexual couple. This is the best option for the child.

After that, do whatever you want.

My $0.02


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Now about this: 

"I could say you've made me feel xyz when this happened-"

The normal reaction to "you made me feel" is to become defensive. Noone can make you feel anything. You own your feelings, not him. 

One of the things that separates humans from the rest of the animal kingdom is that we can choose how we react to something. Sure there is an initial reaction. But then we have complete control to stop and think things through and then react in an appropriate manner. Since you have control over your feelings, you own them.

Instead of "You make me feel", start the sentence with “I”…..

“I feel bad when you talk to me with an angry voice.”

https://www.dobsoncounseling.com/single-post/2017/02/21/You-Make-Me-Feel

https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/feeling-ignored-how-to-get-people-to-listen.htm

You used a similar example about him when he got the carpet muddy. You called him out on it, and he said that you made him do it. He reacted by blaming you, then the argument turns into who made who do what. Sounds like two kids arguing. In a healthy relationship this would have never happened. Instead, of whose fault it is, the issue is cleaning it up. Simple solution to mud on carpet, let it dry and vacuum. Problem gone. There should never be an argument over something this easy to remedy. You are both at fault in the Muddy Carpet Caper. 

It sounds like the two of you do not have good communication skills. Whether you stay with him or not, you would benefit from learning to communicate in a non-blaming manner.

If you want to try to fix this marriage, there are two books that I think you both would benefit from: “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. Read them in that order because the love busting has be stop before you two can start identifying and meeting each other’s needs. Read the books together. Many couples literally do read them together by taking turns reading chapters to each other and doing the work that the book say to do, together.

The books talk about the concept of a “love bank”. For example, the nonsense about the muddy carpet is a love buster. When he blamed you for it, that withdraws some of the love you have for him from your love bank and diminishes your love for him. When you chew him out for what was obviously a mistake… mud on the carpet, it withdraws some of his love for you from his love bank, diminishing his love for you.

From what you posted here, the two of you have done some many love busters that both of your love banks are pretty close to empty. This is how a relationship slowly dies. The good thing is that you two could rebuild your marriage, refill your love banks (corny, I know  ) and have a passionate marriage going forward if you do what the books say to do. But you both would need to read the books and do the work.

If you want to give it one last try, this might work. Give it 3 months. If things have not significantly improved within 3 months, file for divorce. If they have significantly improved, then give it another 3 months. Do a sanity check about every 6 months after that to make sure you two don’t slip back into the bad state you are in at this time.

If he won’t even consider doing the work and ending all contact with the OW and her husband, just file for divorce and get this over with.
On the topic of whether to have your baby or not. That’s your decision. I would have the baby. I have a son who I raised mostly after divorce. He’s 30 now and I have never regretted it, not once.

I'll address the finances in another post.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Now about finances.

What percentage of your joint income do you make?

Is he capable of getting a job that earns closer to your income? Does he work full time?

Why can’t his family support themselves? Do they work, or are they one welfare, or disability? Are there children (under 18) involved?

You have every right to be upset about his attitude towards money. When married, both of your income belongs to both of you. He should not be giving his family a penny without your agreement. This is one of the major topics in the books I suggested. To me, if he will not stop his behavior about money, it’s enough to divorce over. He’s living off you so he can support someone else without your consent. That’s unethical to the max.

All of the money that both of you earn should go into a joint account. First you put 10%-20% per pay period into savings. Then all bills are paid out of the joint account. Only after saving & paying bills do either of you have discretionary income. 

There is a very good book that gives a very easy to follow plan: *Smart Couples Finish Rich, Revised and Updated: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner* by David Bach 


The only thing that I would add to the book is how to handle discretionary spending money. Here’s my tip on that. After savings and all bills are paid, all groceries purchased, etc. taken the remaining money from each paycheck and split it 50/50. That way you both have exactly the same amount every month to spend as you see fit. You can spend it, you can save it, he could give his to his family with out asking your input because that’s his money to blow. You could save yours, or blow it on whatever.


Also, keep in mind that if you have your baby and divorce, since you earn a lot more than he, you could end up having to pay him child support. You might want to do some reading online about your state child support laws and even talk to an attorney to find out what your situation will be.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

You have marital issues that can be solved by divorce. You have been with this man for fourteen years and now that you are pregnant, you want out? It's not the baby's fault that you delayed filing for divorce for years. I would lose the husband and keep the baby.


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## cncrnd19 (Mar 21, 2019)

@EleGirl thank you so much for these book recommendations. I will pick them up asap. I really appreciate your feedback about how my word choice might contribute to our silly arguments and why he is always on the defensive. I do want to work on that. I think he will be open to reading the books together. Contact with OW is tricky. She is one of his best friend's wife. I've tried but he is hesitant and wants to stay friends with him since they're very close. Also complicating this is that the friend is okay with this and believes nothing happened. So I am the outsider in this. But I do want to cut her out. It's tough having to be around her for events with mutual friends. 

As for financial issues - you're totally right I will have to pay child support if we divorce. I am an attorney and while my husband makes a decent living, I doubt he will get close to mine.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> There is nothing that makes what he did with the other woman (OW) ok. If he was willing to do that at a party where you are, I can only imagine what he has done when you are not around.


Yup. You've only seen the very TIP of the iceberg with this guy. Like EleGirl said, if he was willing to pull THIS type of disrespectful crap *literally* right under your nose and under her husband's nose, then that ain't the first time he's crossed the line.

Far, far from it.

I hate to say it, but I think you'd be VERY VERY wise to get yourself a full panel of STD testing because if you keep the baby, you just have no idea what he's possibly brought home that could be a huge health risk to you and your unborn child. You have to be realistic - your husband has already shown you that he's the type to just jump on any opportunity that falls in his lap. It would be the height of naivete for you to believe that the time you caught him in the bathroom is the first time he ever did this.

Personally, I'd be so done with this guy. It sounds as though he depends on you to support the household while he plays with the money HE earns. How very attractive.

Having the baby is a choice only you can make. You wouldn't be the first woman to be pregnant and have a child on her own. :smile2:

ETA: And I agree with you that just because his phone might be clean doesn't mean he's not out getting lucky whenever the opportunity strikes, because I believe he's exactly THAT kind of serial cheater. The 'hit and run' kind.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It sounds like lose the H and keep the child. But only you know what's best for your circumstances.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

I have only read the opening post. I am pro life.

Do not have an abortion.

If your marriage is done, that is between yo and your husband.

Your baby is an innocent victim in this. 

Do not let a bad marriage be the reason you have an abortion.

I am very pro life, but was so spun out, scared and suicidal with my last kid with my ex hubby, I was afraid to even tell him I was pregnant. I briefly considered an abortion because I was afraid of him.

He didn't want another kid. 

But you know what? No man gets to have that kind of power over you.

When I told him what I was contemplating, he was fine with it. I had high hopes he would be an advocate for choosing life for OUR kid. He didn't care. 

He said that it was my body and my decision. Wouldn't even put in a good word for the kid, or act shocked I would even think of such a thing.

I said ok, my body, my choice, I choose to have the kid. But I need you to be supportive!!

He said of course he would.



He wasn't.

But that is ok.

I had my child and I have never regretted it.

I look back sometimes and am horrified I allowed a man to hurt me and scare me so much that I would even think of abortion.

Choose life for your kid.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I am confident that you know exactly what you need to do.


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## cncrnd19 (Mar 21, 2019)

Thanks for the input, everyone.


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