# When a marriage is just too perfect...



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Is it?

I cringe when I hear people brag about how great thei marriage is or how they are with their best friend ll the time.

I'm so jaded and I never believe it for a second.

They are either in denial or rug sweeping or just not paying attention.

Sometimes I want some of these "perfect" marriages to fall apart because I am embarrassed for them

See how terribly bitter I have become? I'm just Being honest. I think there are tons or cheaters and liars that just have not been exposed yet.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I agree there are many (probably more then 50%) of betrayers who never get caught. And that is unbelievable.

But there are some really great marriages out there. There are people who take their marriage vows to heart and really like and love their spouse.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Rugs said:


> Is it?
> 
> I cringe when I hear people brag about how great thei marriage is or how they are with their best friend ll the time.
> 
> ...


This worries me. Why should someone's marriage fall apart? I would suggest that you to overcome this negativity. 

It is true that many cheaters are not caught.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Rugs said:


> Is it?
> 
> I cringe when I hear people brag about how great thei marriage is or how they are with their best friend ll the time.
> 
> ...


And there are others who realize and respect what they have, and KNOW they don't want to cheat, lie or hurt their significant other. They aren't lying, they exist and I intend to be one of them.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

People who are in great marriages (and there are many IMO) don't boast about it. They work at it and it's self-evident.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> People who are in great marriages (and there are many IMO) don't boast about it. They work at it and it's self-evident.


I think this is my point but better stated.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Who ever said any marriage is perfect. I don't know anyone who has a perfect marriage, but some of us work at it and make commitments to each other. 

This thread seriously depresses me... you want my marriage to fall apart? Are you serious? Really? Tell me you want my marriage of 18-years to fall apart? 

I always knew this was the prevailing attitude of most TAM regulars. I am gone. 

No need to respond, because I will no longer stick around.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

I think that's an appalling way to live thinking, Rugs.

I get that people get hurt. I get that some of us get tossed aside like a broken toy.

But what you are doing is handing over power of your life to someone that betrayed you and letting it colour how you see the whole world.

That's very sad and honestly I feel sorry for you.

Are some perfect marriages shams? Undoubtedly. But ther are plenty were despite Tue hard times they work it out, stay loyal and simply live each other.

A couple of my favorite posters on TAM fall into this group.

You know what, despite having had a pretty poor marriage by most standards, instead of being bitter, I allow the successes to inspire me instead.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

drerio said:


> I always knew this was the prevailing attitude of most TAM regulars. I am gone.


No D, it is not the prevailing attitude of most TAM regulars. Evidence that people have happy and healthy marriages is important. 

I don't think for a minute that anyone's marriage is perfect but some people refuse to air their dirty laundry in public which is fine by me

Rags, being cynical and bitter is just going to eat you up. Stop wishing misery on others, it's not going to do you any good in the end


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

drerio said:


> Who ever said any marriage is perfect. I don't know anyone who has a perfect marriage, but some of us work at it and make commitments to each other.
> 
> This thread seriously depresses me... you want my marriage to fall apart? Are you serious? Really? Tell me you want my marriage of 18-years to fall apart?
> 
> ...


Seriously, you're on the infidelity thread reading horror story after horror story, and my comment is depressing you to the point you must leave? 

I was just merely stating that usually when someone has to go out of their way to tell you how perfect their marriage is, it most likely has problems and they are protecting themselves.

Again, story after story and this is depressing? Sheesh.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

What could be more depressing than a life withou hope of happiness?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Rugs said:


> Sometimes I want some of these "perfect" marriages to fall apart because I am embarrassed for them





Rugs said:


> Seriously, you're on the infidelity thread reading horror story after horror story, and my comment is depressing you to the point you must leave?
> 
> I was just merely stating that usually when someone has to go out of their way to tell you how perfect their marriage is, it most likely has problems and they are protecting themselves.
> 
> Again, story after story and this is depressing? Sheesh.


Yeah, we're on the CWI area of a Marriage forum, but read your first quote. You're asking for those people who work hard on their marriages and feel good about them...well, you say you want them to fall apart and are embarrassed for them.

Are you embarrassed for them or you?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Rugs said:


> I was just merely stating that usually when someone has to go out of their way to tell you how perfect their marriage is, it most likely has problems and they are protecting themselves.



A couple of thoughts I had when I read this:

Some couples look beyond the problems they have to the love.

Some couples work on their marriage constantly with so much love, they don't know they are actually working. What they are doing just feels right and works.

Some couples don't realize they have problems until a whole bunch of people convince them that they do by comparison.

What some see as major problems are minor for others. When I read posts about someone's programming job and they talk about the higher math they used to find solutions to the problem, I think it's amazing. They just think it's a minor hurdle associated with their work.

A cliche' which is true in many instances: "Misery loves company." It's comforting to know we are not the only ones going through tough situations.

Some folks do like to ruin other's lives because of whatever justification they can find in their own minds. This is not unusual, but it is heinous. It is a way of getting revenge that is legal and somewhat satisfying for those who cannot find justice in their own lives. It can easily happen on the internet. It happens in real life all the time. 

Many think it is humorous to guide others toward a path which they know is likely to end in some disaster. It can help them make someone look poorly in their job and boost the reputation of another toward a promotion. It can land that all-important raise or bonus. Sometimes, it's as simple as just releasing a little anger at someone else's expense by humiliating them.

On sites like this where folks are very vulnerable and there is so much at stake, it can be devastating to the very lives of the target of this kind of treatment. It is hugely important to be compassionate and refrain from the temptation to intentionally mislead those in need.

I write all of this with the knowledge that I am stating the obvious for many here. I hope the message is understood and heeded by all who may not realize the power they hold in their keypad.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hi. "My name is Rugs. And I am a jealousoholic."

Time you got counselling, Rugs. This is no way to live your life. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I admit that I am now jaded as well. I do long to have one of those "perfect" marriages. Although, I can't help but think is it really perfect, or is there something that one doesn't know, or are they on the bring everyday like the wife and I are, just putting up a really good front?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I don't understand why so much hostility. I need counseling and I'm jealous of good marriages? Why so defensive? Maybe you don't understand what I am saying or I am not good at getting my point across.

Think of some famous people: Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah's couch, Star Jones and Liza Minelli (sp)? With their over the top weddings and professions of love. Did you think those marriages would last?

I did not.

I know a couple of my Facebook friends who post wildly about their marriage and they have both been in affairs for over two years.

I think I know of a few happy marriages but of course one never really knows if a marriage is a happy one unless you are in one.

I don't hope marriages fall apart, I just tend to see red flags when I hear people say, "So and so have the perfect marriage", or "Everything in my marriage is perfect". 

Maybe I did get my point across and this is how you feel but I really did not expect the responses.

I find this forum invaluable and although I of course, like you, don't agree with everything I read, your support of one another and the time you take to help other members goes above and beyond what I have seen on other forums but I am shocked to feel this unwelcome over just a feeling I shared.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Dollystanford said:


> No D, it is not the prevailing attitude of most TAM regulars. Evidence that people have happy and healthy marriages is important.
> 
> I don't think for a minute that anyone's marriage is perfect but some people refuse to air their dirty laundry in public which is fine by me
> 
> Rags, being cynical and bitter is just going to eat you up. Stop wishing misery on others, it's not going to do you any good in the end


Some people ARE happy with each other. Some people DON'T air their dirty laundry, and some people actually DON'T HAVE a bunch of dirty laundry. There are people who exist who actually are happy and feel fortunate to be in the situation they are in.

I learned that there are people it causes PHYSICAL PAIN for them to see you actually happy and it's alot more than 1%...


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Rugs said:


> Seriously, you're on the infidelity thread reading horror story after horror story, and my comment is depressing you to the point you must leave?
> 
> I was just merely stating that usually when someone has to go out of their way to tell you how perfect their marriage is, it most likely has problems and they are protecting themselves.
> 
> Again, story after story and this is depressing? Sheesh.


What TAM has been great for is showing that the "horror stories" usually are similar with the same type of markers. So your not alone, and there were some small things which where rug swept which could have been signs of a bad relationship.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I do suffer from a brain injury that has left me disabled so I should have prefaced my previous post with that.

My reading comprehension is not great with long posts and not all of you were hostile.

2n and squeakr put things in a better perspective. There responses where how I meant the thread to be understood not that I wanted good marriages to fail.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

Rugs that post makes a lot more sense. The op you made didn't sound jealous, it sounded hateful.

I get the jealousy, I am happy there are couples to be jealous of though.

I don't doubt there are many "successful marriages that aren't as successful as one half of it thinks but I dislike blanket statements and directing hate where it isn't due.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Rugs said:


> I don't understand why so much hostility. I need counseling and I'm jealous of good marriages? Why so defensive? Maybe you don't understand what I am saying or I am not good at getting my point across.
> 
> Think of some famous people: Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah's couch, Star Jones and Liza Minelli (sp)? With their over the top weddings and professions of love. Did you think those marriages would last?
> 
> ...


I don't pay attention to celebrity marriages. I don't expect them to last just because of the nature of show business. 

You've sort of backpedaled from your original post. The original post was bitter and hateful. But it wouldn't drive me from this place..actually no one thread would. 

I have a good marriage, but as I've said so many time so many times on TAM, it came with effort from both of us. We've had our rough patch. Which marriage doesn't? And there's a certain amount of luck involved in having a good marriage.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Rugs said:


> I don't understand why so much hostility. Why so defensive?


I think the thing is, that we are jealous of "perfect" marriages and it hurts that we might have had one (or thought we did) only to have the curtain pulled back to reveal the truth. 

I think when you said you wanted those "perfect" marriages to fail is where everyone got the impression of your statement and the hostilities and defensiveness came from as it comes across as you want all "perfect" marriages to fail since you have experienced a failed marriage. Had that statement been left out, I don't think that people would have been so charged in their responses. But that is just my take on it.


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## masterclicker (May 16, 2013)

I'm not sure what the term "perfect marriage" means. My wife and I have had a wonderful marriage (47+ years), raised two wonderful daughters and have worked ourselves into a comfortable life together in retirement. I have never cheated on my wife, and I truly believe she has always been faithful to me as well. Has our marriage been "perfect"? Of course not. We've had our high spots and we have also endured some low points. We communicate with each other well, and work on life's obstacles together. I am a true believer in an old quote that says: "A successful marriage requires that you fall in love many times....always with the same person". 
M.C.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

It was just a rant... someone's leaving the site over this? Get a grip!

I understand where OP is coming from. I also get that sometimes you just feel bitter about all the fake crap you see around you, including the sickly-sweet stuff you are bombarded with on social media sites. 

FWIW, I am pretty freakin happy with my relationship right now...but I was miserable and bitter in the last one, and that made everything else seem a bit jaded.

OP, having trouble in paradise? What's really got you down?


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

I don't think the OP was really wanting happy marriages go fail. I understand where he was coming from. I see it all the time in church. Heck, people would say the same about my marriage. Ha!

Social media is another way to promote something that isn't real. Although we are working hard, I posted family pics up on D-Day and never stopped, even when he was staying with family. No one would have ever suspected from the images I put on social media. We look like one big happy family that goes to Universal studio and Sea World (outside from all of the cheating and no money). I knew my husband was in love with another woman and NO ONE was going to think he didn't love me and our daughter. The sad part is he only posted one family picture in over three years. 

I, on the other hand, enjoy seeing married people happy. It gives me hope that one day, my marriage will measure up to what people think. Don't stay in the bitterness OP, the sun always shines on us.


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

I completely understand what Rugs is trying to say. Mine was one of those (seemingly) perfect marriages that everyone thought would last forever. I thought so too. And he was my best friend. But when it came to light that he is a porn/sex addict and serial cheater, I was as surprised as anyone. And I was so embarrassed and felt like a complete fool. I've learned a valuable lesson from this and will never again be more concerned with the "appearance" of my relationship, than with the relationship itself.

It has changed the way I viewed the world - I don't take relationships at face value anymore and have to wonder what the real story is with some marriages I see around me. I don't ever wish them to fail though. This is the worst pain I've ever felt and would never ever wish it on someone else.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Thanks Asia and Punkinhead - what was on my mind when ranting.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Rugs... .I understand Jealousy / bitterness when you want something so desperately ....you can taste it....and it just seems everyone has your hearts desire...or it came easy for them :wtf:... or they are just full of HOT AIR..... which if so... I can see the ANGER...and it's justified... 

Jealousy can be a consuming fire..... and it could BE over so many things in life...... friendships... the love of a parent to another sibling...a co-worker getting a promotion.... wanting children (my affliction - 6 yrs of this heartache)....others marriages/ sex life ....the list is endless...

Life can be so unfair...it's one of the reasons I have difficulty even believing in GOD at times..... as the unfairness, what I have seen some people go through, I cringe....while others are untouched...their lives appear a dream...while others a cesspool due to bad circumstances not of there own hands... How can one NOT be angry over this ??? I can so understand this ! 

I hope you have someone in your life to help lighten the load of whatever you struggle .... we all need a friend...a listening ear. 

MY hardships in life was BEFORE I met my husband .... I was an angry teen with some chips on my shoulder ....sometimes I think those experiences groomed me to be ever MORE* THANKFUL * for the goodness that has come into my life, how he has been there for me through thick & thin, my weakest moments...my unruly moments.... if this makes any sense ... so I have much Gratitude for my husband/our marriage.

I wouldn't brag about him being a magnificent Alpha or 7 inches [email protected]#$ That seems pretty common around here...... but the Good I feel... I've personally experienced.....should I hide this under a rock, pull my hands from the keyboard....

I ask Rugs... what do you want of us? 

You know what I often think though...because it has been a Beautiful ride... 

WHEN ...OH God....WHEN....Is the hammer going to FALL on us ?? ... will I get cancer... will he get run over by a train.... one of us get Parkensins, a son die in a tragic car accident... I try to not be a worrier... but yet.. .I know our lives is but a VAPOR here... no tomorrow can be counted upon.. The RAIN falls on all of us at some time or another... our day is coming... but for NOW....for this day....We love , we celebrate, we thank God for what has been given us.... 

I don't want to use the word Perfect, as we FIGHT on occasion (always started by yours truly)...and I blame PMS (shame on me).... we argue (he tells me I enjoy that )... I've been unruly .... I/ we missed some things in our past... but we've grown / reached new heights....I really can't say much bad about this man.... Why am I on a marriage forum.. (I thought I had a sex addiction & wanted to find a happening sex forum - so here I come)

We have a guy friend...and I hope you'll get a laugh out of this.. as I bet you THINK this when you read some of these successful marriage posts (and that's ok, I'd understand)...I can get carried away with the MUSH at times... but damn it .. I swear it's from the heart...

Anyway....he's made fun of us on occasion...sticking his fingers down his throat ...with gurgling noises , a distorted face....like he is going to throw up... ....

I hope the majority doesn't do this when we post, but then again... I wouldn't be surprised either!


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Rugs said:


> I don't understand why so much hostility. I need counseling and I'm jealous of good marriages? Why so defensive? Maybe you don't understand what I am saying or I am not good at getting my point across.
> 
> Think of some famous people: Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah's couch, Star Jones and Liza Minelli (sp)? With their over the top weddings and professions of love. Did you think those marriages would last?
> 
> ...


I think i know what you are trying to say, and I'll say I've had thoughts like that too. I'm not so much one to think that things will fall apart just because people are saying over-the-top positive things, but due to all the positive comments, if it does fall apart, it seems really weird.

Tom Cruise, for example. Now that he's divorced, i wonder what all the couch jumping was about. This can also spill into life in general. I think being positive is good, but being positive is something i do for myself. I don't have to put it on display unless someone asks. 

I know a few people who are always on Facebook letting us know how capable they are of enjoying the simple things in life. They have posts like, "Sitting here enjoying the night air, life is good," or, "Just got a scoop of chocolate ice cream, it's doesn't get any better than that." It's as if we were all wondering how good their life was, so they felt the need to post. It's as if they never even have a hang-nail.




punkinhead said:


> I completely understand what Rugs is trying to say. Mine was one of those (seemingly) perfect marriages that everyone thought would last forever. I thought so too. And he was my best friend. But when it came to light that he is a porn/sex addict and serial cheater, I was as surprised as anyone. And I was so embarrassed and felt like a complete fool. I've learned a valuable lesson from this and will never again be more concerned with the "appearance" of my relationship, than with the relationship itself.
> 
> It has changed the way I viewed the world - I don't take relationships at face value anymore and have to wonder what the real story is with some marriages I see around me. I don't ever wish them to fail though. This is the worst pain I've ever felt and would never ever wish it on someone else.


I understand. It makes one feel like, how did these people get so smart? The rest of us have problems from time to time, but they don't even have a hair out of place. My divorce changed the way i view the world too. i don't take relationships at face value anymore either.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Gee, and all this time I thought I had a good marriage. Now I have doubts. Thanks, Rugs, you have done me a great service by showing me what a clueless, ignorant jerk I've been. There MUST be something seriously wrong with my marriage and family if I'm not miserable.

So, what should I do next? Start an argument, an affair, start acting cold and abusive towards my W? 

I know, I'll tell her I'm leaving and give her divorce papers tomorrow, because I don't like to think that I'm living with my head in the sand, and I now see that because you've had such bad luck with relationships, I have no right to have a happy marriage and make Rugs more miserable.

Now, I can go to bed happy tonight, because I finally woke up and saw the foolishness of believing in my "perfect' marriage. And best of all, I pleased Rugs!!!


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

My ex used to brag to our friends about how perfect our marriage was, and cite it as an example when giving relationship advice to her gfs. I hated that and always asked her not to do it when she would mention it. A couple years later, she cheated on me and trashed her family. LOL


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