# What advice do you give an 18 year old girl?



## Cherry

My oldest daughter just turned 18, she is smart, pretty, happy, etc... She is planning for college in the fall... She has a few months to herself, and she is thinking of moving in with a boy she dated while she was in 9th grade. I like him okay, not great though. 

I don't want her to ruin her life with this kid, he just came back to our city and all of sudden she wants to get an apt with him and one of his buddies for a "few months" before she moves into a dorm on campus. He took her out the other night (he's only 20) and was telling me he bought her a vodka drink. So naturally I worry about this too. I can't stop her, what do I tell her? What wisdom can I share? I have warned her to not sign any leases, not agree to any deposits, to call me, her gma, my H, anyone, if she ever feels unsafe or if she has drank too much.

Please tell this momma (me) to chill. She told me all of this last weekend, and I don't think it hit me until this morning for some reason... She works, but spends frivolously, so financially, I'm not so sure she can do this anyway.

Anymore words of wisdom that I can offer? Any thoughts? Thanks!


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## Cherry

*Dean* said:


> I would ask her what this 20yr guys wants to do with his life. His goal, etc.
> Ask her what she thinks about it. Does she respect it or wants more from a man.
> Doesn't she want a man that can take care of her. Get her thinking.
> 
> Maybe she is thinking she could lose this guy if she doesn't move in with him. Ask her, work that angle.
> 
> Sorry.....just thinking and typing at the same time.


I appreciate that. She doesn't live with me, she lives with my mom. She mentioned doing this with this guy to "spread her wings", to not feel like she has to answer to anyone. But good point on the feeling like she will lose this guy. That's probably more like it. He broke up with a girl to date my daughter in the 9th grade, which created a firestorm of drama for my daughter. And most recently this guy was supposedly engaged to a girl, as recently as 2 months ago. He boasts a lot about partying, etc. Not a good fit, from what I can see. But he's been to college (not so sure he actually accomplished anything) and claims to make pretty good money, I don't see it though and in fact my daughter paid for their date the other night (with my bank card because hers was declined... What guy wouldn't step up to pay for a $20 bowling bill?)!

Both my mom and myself are letting her know she can do what she feels she must do, but the bottom line is that she can't lose focus on college. And that is our fear at the moment. 

I think I made a mistake in my first talk with her about this. I did it when I was her age, although, it was with my HS sweetheart, ,who had a good paying job. And I didn't have aspirations to go to college. It flopped with my long term BF and I ended up in college  

She has a lot of freedom between my mom and myself. I know I don't ask a lot of questions, and my mom says she doesn't. We let her come to us, she no longer has a curfew, my mom doesn't threaten to take her truck away or anything like that, now that she's turned 18. 

It's just so hard.


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## Hope1964

I also have a daughter who turned 18 not too long ago 

She moved out a couple of months ago to live with a guy she only met a couple months before that. I don't know him very well but he seems pretty nice. He treats her well.

I wish she hadn't done it, but she's 18 and as far as I am concerned, an adult. She's legally allowed to drink here, although I know she (like pretty much every other kid on the planet) did drink a bit when she was underage. That doesn't bother me - I think North Americans are FAR too uptight about alcohol consumption anyway.

I know she has a good head on her shoulders. She's pretty independent (she homeschooled herself through high school) although young, so I know she'll make mistakes. She knows I will disapprove heartily if she ends up pregnant. She also knows she can move back home any time she wants to.

It is really hard to chill out, but we have to for our own sanity I think. I was 16 when I ran away from home. I can't even imagine what I put my mom through. But of course then I didn't care. I don't want to smother my daughter, so I just step back and let her know over and over that I am here whenever she wants anything. Preaching to her or dictating things to her are counterproductive, so I stop myself, tempting as it may be.

I did the best I could raising her, now it's time to let her learn some things on her own. When she falls, I'll be there with a cushion for her to land on.


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## Mavash.

Chill. At 18 much of what you say will fall on deaf ears. Life's consequences will be her best teacher now. All you can do is plant seeds and let her go.

FWIW I moved in with my loser boyfriend at 18 and I lived to tell the tale. And no I did not marry him.


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## Hope1964

*Dean* said:


> Hi Hope,
> 
> I know your a very good mother and really love your daughter.
> 
> It can be so hard being a parent and I'm a very protective father.
> 
> I guess the real reason I push so hard to try and not have a young lady move in
> with a guy is that I have seen a lot of young ladies give up their dream for a man.
> I never ever want my daughters to give up their dreams for some man.
> Hopefully they can find a man that shares their dream.
> 
> I know and understand what you are saying.
> Your a really good mom but sometimes it's hard being a good father.


You are so right - that's exactly what I did myself. Don't get me wrong - I make my disapproval known. but not in the way my parents did. They got ANGRY. They cut off my cushion by being far too angry. I felt trapped into the stupid things I did with no way out. I don't want my daughter to feel that way, and I think if I disapprove TOO much, that's exactly what I will end up doing.

My daughter moved in with this guy more to just get out of the house than to be with him. There's a bit of both, but she had plans to move in with a friend before he came along. I guess I raised her to be a bit TOO independent, because she's wanted her own place for a couple of years and been planning for it. She is a tad bit OCD and wanted her own kitchen - she was constantly rearranging mine.


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## Almostrecovered

you do have the option of cutting off financial support if you feel he is that dangerous

but ultimately, you have to let them make their own mistakes and hope that what you taught them these past 18 years has sunk in


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Cherry said:


> My oldest daughter just turned 18, she is smart, pretty, happy, etc... She is planning for college in the fall... She has a few months to herself, and she is thinking of moving in with a boy she dated while she was in 9th grade. I like him okay, not great though.
> 
> I don't want her to ruin her life with this kid, he just came back to our city and all of sudden she wants to get an apt with him and one of his buddies for a "few months" before she moves into a dorm on campus. He took her out the other night (he's only 20) and was telling me he bought her a vodka drink. So naturally I worry about this too. I can't stop her, what do I tell her? What wisdom can I share? I have warned her to not sign any leases, not agree to any deposits, to call me, her gma, my H, anyone, if she ever feels unsafe or if she has drank too much.
> 
> Please tell this momma (me) to chill. She told me all of this last weekend, and I don't think it hit me until this morning for some reason... She works, but spends frivolously, so financially, I'm not so sure she can do this anyway.
> 
> Anymore words of wisdom that I can offer? Any thoughts? Thanks!


The way you frame this hit me. You said she was telling you that he bought her a vodka drink. What I would like to hear is you saying that she accepted a vodka drink when he bought it for her. 

It sounds like you want anything bad that happens to her to be on account of someone else. You are doing the right thing about telling her not to sign any leases, etc. However I think maybe sitting down with her or having her sit down with someone, to discuss legal issues such as how since she is not a minor she is going to be held accountable for her own actions, what child support and custody would look like were she to become pregnant, the legal responsibilties one acquires when one acquires an std that cannot be entirely treated with medication, what it's like when you live with someone and then maybe want to accept dates (loss of privacy...) how to figure stuff out like can she have friends come over and hang out and sleep over without them being harassed...how to advocate for her own privileges in a living situation...how to look out for her mental health, what kind of plan does she have if she becomes ill...who will look after her...she needs to have control of her own documents: birth certificate, social security card, license, her banking, overdrafts, what happens if she runs out of money and doesn't have enough to eat (use of food pantry, documentation that's required), legal issues such as having renter's insurance, liability exposure if a guest or visitor is injured where she's living, does her insurance cover someone else's vehicle, etc. If she wants to be independent then she needs to take all of this on, including probably handling her own paperwork for college and how to pay for it while still coordinating with you because according to FAFSA and IRS she will remain a dependent. Whereas she can choose to remain a dependent and live at home or at college and have all the benefits that come with not having to keep track of all or most of that stuff. 

Most young people when they want to spread their wings take an internship or do Americorps or get a summer job like at a camp or a full-time job and live at home and just have more privileges to come and go. 

This situation doesn't sound very healthy. It sounds like the blind leading the blind. A person who would buy a drink for someone else, possibly with witnesses or videotaping, when the someone else is a minor, of the opposite sex, does not sound like a very good mentor.

I have a 21 year old who has been indpendent entirely now for about a year. I don't worry about him at all. Once in a while he texts me that he loves me and a little message. I update him if something major occurs, or to send him notes or whatever from his younger siblings. We see each other socially, not because we need to. But I went through giving him responsibility and education for all of the above. I help out with paperwork when I need to and he cannot do it himself because of government rules, or if he gives me power of attorney such as for his National Guard paperwork (while he was in basic training and couldn't access a phone, etc.)


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## Cherry

Unhappy2011 said:


> I hate to alarm you, but there's plenty of drinking at that age.
> 
> Tell her how getting pregnant will make going to college, getting a good job after, traveling and living life in your 20s will be hard.


I know there's drinking at that age, she grew up with me being an active alcoholic too... That's why I worry, more so because of the addiction aspect that I experienced. But, she will learn I guess 

She also got to experience first hand (even though she doesn't remember much of it!) a woman in her 20's and pregnant and single and going to college. That was me! I got prego's in my sophomore year of college (age 20). It is an experience that was very difficult. I've shared my experiences with her about how hard it was.... And she's also experienced struggles with taking care of babies -- her twin siblings.... She claims to never want children at this point, I hope that changes, but for now, I want her to hold onto that feeling 

Thanks for your thoughts!


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## LaxUF

aarrgghhh! I just spent 15 minutes writing a reply and it vanished!

I understand what you are feeling, my son will be leaving the nest in 3 years and I'm already dreading the day.

Ask your daughter to write out a detailed budget on her own and review it with her. My guess is there will be little to no spending money left for that "cute $50 top that she will absolutely die without." My son loves his gadgets & toys far too much to risk not having the extra money to buy them. 

Warn her of the evils of credit card debt by showing her how much that top that is on sale will really cost. Also show her how much several cute tops will cost on a maxed out card and how long it would take her to pay them off with minimum payments.

This will not be the first 20 year old boy to pop in and out of her life over the next few years. As much as you'd like to protect her there are no words of wisdom or suits of armor that you can cover her with. She will need to experience these lessons and heartbreaks on her own. You will be there to wipe her tears when she needs you.

Perhaps moving out on her own for a few months will prove to be an invaluable lesson. Being a responsible adult isn't always as glamorous as we imagine it will be. It can also be a tool for getting the partying out of her system before she has to buckle down in college. Better she wakes up with a hangover now than before class. Not that is an ideal route but if she has enough of them it can be an effective deterrent from wanting to drink.

Remind her again that while you would hope she wouldn't drink, you understand that she probably will but she must call you if she needs medical attention or a ride. I worry less about my son getting behind the wheel than I do about him being a passenger. He also knows that if he does anything stupid or hangs with the wrong crowd and gets arrested that he is not to call me because I'll make him sit there.

Good luck and keep us posted on how things progress.


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## Cherry

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> The way you frame this hit me. You said she was telling you that he bought her a vodka drink. What I would like to hear is you saying that she accepted a vodka drink when he bought it for her.


I'm not trying to blame him, he is the one who told me about the drink.. I didn't flip out or anything, it just concerns me because of myself and my addiction and because of a few things that happened last summer with her drinking and getting raped by two acquaintances. 

Unfortunately, my daughter has grown up without a father. And now I feel guilty, thinking maybe she is clinging on to boys to replace what she has missed. I can't erase the past. I did the best I could. But she really is incredibly boy crazy, like show stopping boy crazy. So this is weighing on me for more than just not wanting her to grow up. I just feel so freaking guilty.

She had a full time job this summer, it was set that she would care for our twins (her idea) during the day for 2 months. But she changed her mind the week that boy moved back here. She also works part time now at a fast food joint and has been for several months, but she's looking for something better paying and more hours, and closer to Nashville. She seems set on going to college in the fall and I'm hanging on to that with extreme hope.

It just seems she's following in my footsteps too much, and it's a scary feeling because I know I lived a not so pretty life for a while.


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## LaxUF

Cherry said:


> and because of a few things that happened last summer with her drinking and getting raped by two acquaintances. *No wonder you are scared to death. I have no words to ease that feeling of panic. If she isn't suffering from the traumatic event then maybe you can borrow that for a little peace of mind.*
> 
> Unfortunately, my daughter has grown up without a father. And now I feel guilty, thinking maybe she is clinging on to boys to replace what she has missed. I can't erase the past. I did the best I could. But she really is incredibly boy crazy, like show stopping boy crazy. So this is weighing on me for more than just not wanting her to grow up. I just feel so freaking guilty. *Of course you wish things would have been different, everyone does in one way or another but there is no reason for you to feel guilty. Children can have the best mother and father on the planet and there will always be a "reason" why a kid can make plenty of bad choices of their own free will. Parents are not always the end all be all cure or curse.*
> 
> She had a full time job this summer, it was set that she would care for our twins (her idea) during the day for 2 months. But she changed her mind the week that boy moved back here. She also works part time now at a fast food joint and has been for several months, but she's looking for something better paying and more hours, and closer to Nashville. She seems set on going to college in the fall and I'm hanging on to that with extreme hope. *Hold on to the hope but don't let it break your heart if it doesn't happen. Even if it doesn't then all hope still won't be lost. She will have the rest of her life to go to college at a time & age when she will be less likely to take the opportunity for granted.*
> 
> It just seems she's following in my footsteps too much, and it's a scary feeling because I know I lived a not so pretty life for a while. *Your daughter is an individual, she is not you - just like you aren't your parents. Even when familial traits carry over they are only a fraction of the overall person. And besides - even after all you have lived through you turned out ok, right?*


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## aston

An 18 years old will always do exactly what you don't want him/her to (especially daughters) so communication is key.
Make sure she's dilligently on birth control and let her make her mistakes in a monitored / controlled manner.


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## turnera

My advice...

If you're going to move in with him, have you worked out your budget? Because I'll have to treat you like an adult if you make an adult move like that, so you're gonna be on your own financially. I hope you guys have fun, but please be careful and think before doing things, think of the possible repercussions. For instance, if he's got drugs on him and he's in your car, you'll go to jail just like he will. Things like that are what adults have to deal with. 

Of course, it you find it's not for you, you can always come back to my mom's, if it's still all right with her.

And, btw, I haven't really addressed this yet, but I wanted you to know that, in my opinion, boys at your age are for trying on for size - try dating a bunch of different guys and don't get serious until you graduate from college, and see what kind is the best fit for you. You're gonna have a ton of boys to choose from in college, so let it be a fun time, like it should be. There's always time for serious, later.


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## lamaga

Cherry, congratulations on your beautiful daughter!

I understand your concerns. Gee, under the best of circs, moving is expensive, and doing it just for a couple ofmonths seems silly. BUT, she is an adult. I echo everything that Homemaker N. Uno said --

and make sure she uses protection. Other than that, you gotta let her fly, I guess. Good luck!


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## Cherry

Great advice guys/girls! And even better news (for me anyways)  She did not end up moving in with him... I think she realized quickly that dude is a major pill head and her budget wouldn't allow for it anyways... And I think she realized that she has it pretty cush if she just stays put for a bit longer, until she can move into the dorm... Of course the guy is out of the picture, which is fine by me!

Ahhhh she is such a beautiful, intelligent young woman. I'm fairly certain she didn't get my addict personality, low self esteem, etc. Seems she did get my boy crazy personality, but that could just be a young woman thing too


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## lamaga

That's really good news, Cherry! See? She has a good head on her shoulders!


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