# Need reassurance that I'm not making a mistake



## heavyg71 (Sep 1, 2012)

Hi all, newbie here. 

Long story short, I discovered the other day that my wife of 13 years was having a sexting affair with one of my closest friends. It started as texting back and forth in the spring, and during the summer it got a lot racier. In the last month, she has been contacting him dozens of times a day and offering to meet him...the buildup has been to consummating the sexual act, of course. 

I had discovered the texting back and forth in May and confronted them both. She assured me that it was innocent and that he was filling an emotional void I had left in the marriage. He apologized and told me it had gotten out of hand. He loved his wife and there was "nothing" between him and my wife other than a mutually supportive emotional relationship. My wife had deleted most of his texts and hers, so I can never REALLY be sure about that. I warned her that an emotional relationship can get out of hand and develop into a sexual one very easily. since our families were so close, I trusted them to stop. I thought I was paying more attention to her, and working to make the marriage better.

Tuesday, I discovered that she was sexting him, and begging for a meet...at lunch, in the car, at his office, while I was sleeping in the next room...aargh!

I confronted her, sent a copy of one of the explicit, penthouse style messages to him from my phone so he'd know I knew about it, and she and i fought all night. Over the next 24-48 hurs, I found out that they had kissed once about a month ago, and that was when the sexting started. She wanted more...

I won't bore you with the details, but we involved other family members, discussed things, fought, cried, yelled, talked, etc. She is remorseful, apologetic, and admits it was all her fault. He says he told his wife, and they are working on their issues on their end. I was ready for divorce yesterday, but I'm willing to take steps to reconcile, and see if we can make things work. I've told her how much it hurts, and that I may not be able to forgive her now or in the future, but I am willing to try.

All this must sound very familiar to many of you. However, the problem I have is him. He and I work together, and our kids are fast friends and hang out together all the time. All the advice on this forum is to completely cut off relations between them, and that may not be practical or possible for us. What should I do?

Am I being foolish for thinking this will end? I believe that she's remorseful, and I do love her more than anything...I just feel totally betrayed, duped and goobered. 

Anyone have some words of wisdom for someone desperate for advice and reassurance?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You will get lots of good advice here & yes you will get told to cut off all communication with the OM. But I know you can't just up & quit your job & I don't think it's fair for your children to lose their friends.

But surely you don't want to be "friends" with this man anymore right? Your wife will have to go NC with him & his wife.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

You said your wife was begging to have sex with him. That means she was the pursuer in all of this? Are you sure it didn't turn into a sexual affair already?

Eitherway, you need to expose it and tell his wife what happened. Given your wife's feelings for this man (and I'd question her feelings for you) if they remain in contact, sooner or later something is bound to happen. You already gave him a chance the first time to cut it out, he has zero respect for you.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Like Emerald said, you can't just quit your job or force him to quit but that doesn't mean you have to be friends with the OM. 

Your wife and the OM should have No Contact. I also think you should expose the A to the OMW. If it was me, I think I'd have to cut off contact with the kids too. I know it's not fair to them but I don't think I could facilitate those friendships if it meant that I had to keep facing the OP or have my spouse interacting with the OP. 

Either I'd cut that off or I would make sure that it was just the kids coming over to my house or vice versa and the OMW or I could do the transfer - keeping the cheating spouses away from each other.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The entire family has to be cut off. Your WW and MOM doing, they brought this, they didn't give crap about your work, their friendship, your childrens future. No way Back. You have to blow this, other wise she will resume this. No doubt about it. MOM didn't confess her BW, he won't, ever. Save the evidence, expose to BW, give her the evidence. Don't warn anybody, nor OM, nor WW.
Consult HR, tell them MOM working near you makes you improsible to work. MOM makes work enviroment dangerous. A transfer, whatever is needed.

You are fighting here for your family. it's an ugly war. 
Do whatever you need to do.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The basics:
NC letter, you need to aprove it before sending it.
Total transparence for now on. Life long.
Accountability of her whereabouts.
Full disclosure.
Whatever boundaire you need; IC, MC (later).
Tell her to fix this, she seek help, books, online...

On your side, talk to a lawyer ,find where you stands.
Display the usual snooping tools, keylogger, spyware at WW's phone, CPS, VARs.
Taylor the 180, watch from afar.
She gave you a false R becuase you didn't put your foot down. You didn't give consequences because the entangled web of the double betrayal, children involved, work situation... You let fear rule your life.
It's your family, full war mode, fight for it.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I agree with Acobado. It's a shame and a total waste, but your wife and the OM made the choice. Now everybody pays the price, whether they deserve it or not. The choice is whether you want to give your family a shot at survival or not.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

That includes work, you need to influence the situation, because you won't be able to continue as if nothing happened.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Make the OM ask for a transfer.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Expose. Go to HR and tell them what happened. They don't need one of their employees fighting or even killing another so HR tends to shut hostile environments down quick, usually with a transfer. 

Also expose wife's actions expose EVERYONE. See how she feels when her family and friends know shes kissing another whose not her husband. You didn't trust her the first time, you swept it under the rug the first time. Month later shes doing it again and lying. She was pursuing and begging for it, completely unacceptable. In fact you should have her out of the house for the while so she can understand the gravity of her actions. 

You show no consequences and she'll just do it again(like she already did) cause she'll think that you won't do anything about it anyways.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

As to wether you should fight for your marriage, right now, yes, absolutely! You are not in a place to make a fully informed rational choice, so go for the best default. Give your marriage a fighting chance. Get past this crisis, then you can deal with the rest. Things your wife does to help or hinder may help answer your question, but realize she might do things that are not in her self interest, for a variety of reasons. We are all human. Good people sometimes do evil things to each other. At some point you will come to terms with that, or not, but right now follow the advice given. Take your ego and your feelings out of the equation, ask questions here, find out what you need to do, and do it.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Agree with all of the above, and add that the problem is in no way limited to this particular instance or opportunity. Your wife is trying to work out how to have sex with your friend and colleague. There is a nearly unlimited supply of potential and willing sex/affair partners out there. Read "Not 'Just Friends'," "His Needs Her Needs," and the usual litany. Try to get a lead on a good counselor. Your wife is either in a la la land you may be able to help wrest her back from or simply not fit for marriage.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

heavyg71 said:


> Hi all, newbie here.
> 
> Long story short, I discovered the other day that my wife of 13 years was having a sexting affair with one of my closest friends. It started as texting back and forth in the spring, and during the summer it got a lot racier. In the last month, *she has been contacting him dozens of times a day and offering to meet him...the buildup has been to consummating the sexual act*, of course.
> 
> ...


Well, I'm sorry to come across as so harsh, but you caught her months ago and her reaction was not, "OMG, I better put an end to this or it will lead to divorce and a complete disintegration of our lifestyle and friendships," but rather, "I will just do better to hide it."

Now you caught her again, and her reaction was? To fight with you all night about ? (how you caused it, how you spied on her? what?) Then she tells you sorry, but it's "NOT PRACTICAL" to end contact, "DON'T HURT THE KIDS." (I can't believe the kids won't find out, if they don't already know, that something is very wrong between you, wife, other man, and other man's wife. If they are friends, they will talk and share notes; it is very likely they will find out anyway.)

Well, what will hurt the kids more? Having to make new friends, or having parents who go through a nasty divorce.

EXPOSE TO OTHER MAN'S WIFE.

Have your wife handwrite a "no contact" letter to the other man.

Get access to all devices and accounts.

Polygraph on whether she had sex with him or not.

Buy a voice-activated recorder and put it under the seat of her car with heavy-duty velcro and keylog the computer, so at least you'll know when she talks to him and what they are talking about.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I completely agree with most of the advice above: you do need to end all contact with the OM even though he is a work colleague and all the kids are fast friends. If I could take a bit of a different tactic, let me share this image with you:

Your wife is addicted to drugs. She is at that stage in her drug addiction where she is willing to lie to and steal from her own family in order to feed her addiction. Part of her knows she has sunk to the low of harming those she is supposed to love...but she isn't stopping. The OM is the drug dealer for the drug to which she is addicted. Now you have caught her shooting up, you have told her you're not willing to help her continue her addiction and keep it a secret. You have told a few family members she is addicted. And the drug dealer says he has told his supplier that she's quitting and he promises he'll stop trying to sell to her. 

#1--You're believing a drug dealer!! 
#2--You're asking if you and your wife couldn't keep "hanging out" with the drug dealer because after all his kids and your kids are friends. 

Your wife has not gone through withdrawal yet. Your wife hasn't really indicated she is ready and willing to end this addiction...just so far you have "stopped her." And now you want to know if it would be okay if you let the drug dealer sort of keep hanging around, being near your family, sniffing around. 

You can see the answer is a gigantic NO!! No it is not alright to let the drug dealer stay around your addict wife and your family. I guarantee you that she will LONG FOR her drug and she will go to the dealer!! And the dealer will eventually suck in and ruin your entire family!! 

Now that's not to say that this is all the dealer's fault. Oh no, your addicted wife is responsible for becoming addicted in the first place, and the cost of her making herself vulnerable to drugs and becoming addicted is that now the ENTIRE FAMILY is going to hurt because of her. But that is the cost of being an addict! It HURTS. It hurts her, it hurts you, it hurts those she is supposed to love. 

So do not stay in touch with or hang out with the dealer. Get yourself, your wife and your family as far from the dealer as you can get. Maybe your wife can explain to the children that they have to say goodbye to their friends because she did not stay loyal to their daddy--allow her to see their tears and realize that HER CHOICES made those tears! Then go to your boss, explain that your wife and the OM had an affair and that in order to protect your family you can't be in touch with the OM in any way anymore. If your company is large enough, ask for a transfer or ask if they will let OM transfer...or change to opposite shifts. If not you know, the economy is not great right now but take a long-term view. Marriages and families can survive one spouse losing their job. It happens ALL THE TIME. Marriages and families can NOT survive ongoing adultery.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What do YOU want? If you want your wife, fight for her. Fight for her with exposing their affair, making her write the NC letter and demanding of HR that they move or sack her OM.

Good luck on your future life.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Chiming in with all the others. Expose the affair to the guys wife, go NC with the family.

I just want to say about your wife -- it's craven and disgusting of her to put her OM fix on the CHILDREN. Oh horrors! We can't hurt the kids by breaking up with OM family! 

When she starts that crap, you just volley it right back into her court. SHE hurt the kids. This has to end because of what SHE did. 

She doesn't sound sorry. People don't fight with you all night to convince you of their "remorse."

Also, this was sexual. You're deluding yourself if you think it's one kiss. I'm sorry. I know that is painful.

I invite you too to spend some time on my blog, Chump Lady -- lots of primers about what to do and NOT to do. 

Hang in there.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

You confronted, she lied, became worse, you find out again, you're willing to forgive, you're willing to keep that OM around... Yeah... Guys in here will be running bets on the number of weeks it takes before you return with an even worse story.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Understand that the feelings that your W has for the OM hasn't gone away, she is still going to want him and will most likely try to contact him later on once she thinks the coast is clear.

This is why people say NC and it can take a long time before your W stops lusting after the OM, if ever.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ok, how did you get to the conclusion they did not have sex? maybe she was asking to meet for one more time? Not necessarily for the first time. Don't deny this possibility. And do you know what your friend thinks about you?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Another one with that bit. Of course they had sex. Tons of it.


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## forgetit (Aug 22, 2012)

no matter what just divorce .. do not accept any advice for 2nd chance


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Total NC between the families is a must.

Yes this may have gone physical.

Too bad you did not cut this off completely when you first discovered. Sigh.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Kissing? Maybe, but a little lower.

Don't think so? Polygraph.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Polygraph---Post--Nup----stringent boundaries, with ACTIONABLE, not words, consequences

She must know that D., is on the table if she does ANYTHING out of line

You may have to work with the guy---but the rest of the time there will be NC, with the other family, and that includes the kids---they may not like it---have your wife explain it to them

You do need to tell the other wife---you can't believe your so-called friend, so you don't know for sure if he told his wife anything

Your wife shows complete remorse/contriteness/and she needs to do penance----------she must also have accountability-----YOUR WIFE TRIED VERY, VERY HARD TO DESTROY, your mge., and the lives of her own kids---for this she MUST be accountable, she DOES NOT GET TO GO BACK TO HER CUSHY, GOOD LIFE SHE HAD PRIOR TO HER A.

She is not to sleep in the marital bedroom with you, for now---put her in a small room in the house, with her clothes, and that is where she stays---------she MUST be introduced to the REALITY, of possibly losing her mge., and being on her own, with kids----this will go a long way toward showing her what that single life w/out you would be like

No mr lovey--dovey, and no mr nice guy---at this point in time, you must be cold and keep her at harms length

She needs to go to IC, and find out WHY, she tried to destroy the lives of everyone who loved her, and then she needs to fix it

Actually no real R., should even start till she FIXES the WHY.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Hiw do you know the OM's wife knows? unless you yourself have spoken to her and sent her the evidence then she does not know of the affair or has been given a diluted version.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

OP....sounds like your wife is aggressive and has no remorse and has no real sorrow for what she has done. your problem is not the OM its your wife.If this OM were to move 1000 miles away, it wouldn't be long , until there would be a NEW.... OM


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She was asking him to meet up in car, surely they had sex.

She docent seems remorseful, she is still in the A looking for some ways to contact him. They will start it again, as they did it earlier.

Expose to his wife, he may have told her you are a fool trying to make up story about them. *Ask your wife to tell her in your presence.*

A polygraph should be done if she claim only a Kiss.

NC is a must, you didn't done anything to hurt the friendship of your children its her action what caused it.

Dont accept her words, see her actions. What she is doing to regain the trust and the marriage she killed.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

If you cannot get rid of OM, how do you expect to live in peace, mate?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I agree with the others. It was probably more.

And wy do you think your friend really told his wife about the Affair.

Call his wife today. Have that conversation and show her roof what your W and her H have been up to.

After that call you will not have to worry about being friends with their family for sure.

Expose, expose, expose. Not just to your family but jis as well.

HM64


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I forgot, among your inmediate demands STD test are in order. It's another sobering experience in case she's willing to follow trough.

You need to stop being afraid, you did nothing, you didn't have a say, they did. You need to go nuke, being cool headed but very firm in your actions and timing.

Giving the particular and potentially volatile circunstances of your case you need to be very persistent. Don't secondguess, you are right doing it. She/they will make a huge scene about it, she will put the blame on you, she will try to gaslight mutual friends, family, even your children, no doubt about it. You need to completely ignore whatever she has to say for a while. "I'm sorry to feel this way'' should be your standard response and then keep fighting the good fight. Also "what did you think was going to happen?" put the ball where it belongs. The less acusations/arguing/anger you behave the better. The ugly truth will work itself. Don't feed more drama beyond the necessary to shine the light and stay firm about your boundaires. 
I don't know your children's age but I think is unaviodable they eventually are informed of all this. They are already affected by this even if they are in the dark.


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