# My Story, Too!



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I've decided that I am going to write 'my story' just as a add-on to my journal/blog here. And because I never really did explain where I came from. And because Hell did it, and because TG had suggested that perhaps I should have added some of my older links to my journal so that people can see some of what I've experienced over the last year or so, but truth be told, there is much I *haven't* revealed. 

If you're interested in knowing my life for the past several years, this is the place to read. It's going to seem mundane and redundant at times, so I will try to keep it pertinent. 

This is going to be *VERY* lengthy - Use the bathroom and get a snack before you start. I am not known for my short and sweet stories! LoL!! 

Not sure "when" to start, so I guess I'll talk about my childhood and last two relationships. 

Without going into much detail, I was sexually abused by a babysitter as a child. My family does not know that I remember these incidents. I think this is why we left TN for NM so long ago.

After the move my father had numerous affairs, and eventually divorced my mother to marry one of his AP's. They are still married today and my relationship with them is highly strained. My father was never around much, even before the divorce. We are basically strangers... 

Fast forward through adulthood and two previous LTRs...

Many years ago I was engaged to a man named "J". (Yes, he was the guy who tried to buy me a hot dog when we met).  

This guy was the love of my life and we dated and co-habitated for five years. We had an awesome relationship - two peas in a pod, if you will. We did anything and everything together and really never got sick of being around one another.

"J" had some abandonment issues that weren't apparent to me right away. He had grown up in an extremely abusive household. His "father" was the "King of the Castle" and his "mother" was the dont-speak-unless-spoken-to kind of lady. Very, very old-fashioned. 

When J was 21 his parents finally admitted they were not actually his parents - biologically they were his grandparents. The man he thought was his older brother was actually his uncle, and his big sister was his real mother. His grandparents had adopted him and raised him as their own when he was just a few days old. His real mother was extremely mentally ill from the abuse she grew up with and was unable to care for him. As you can imagine - this really blew his mind. He never knew who his real father was - his mother was extremely promiscuous.

About two years after he found this out, (and both of us still enduring the abuse and control of his "father" - who went so far as to offer us a free place to live so J could "work" for him... He owns a lot of properties - developed and undeveloped), we found out his "mother" had lung cancer. She'd smoked for years, and even though her husband knew - they both acted like he didn't know. She would sneak out and he'd pretend he didn't know what she was doing.

After her diagnosis, things changed. "Father" became more controlling and abusive to everyone - especially J. He'd make him work 16 or 17 hours a day, then turn around and gripe about how he didn't have a "real" job. He didn't pay J, either, and would later say the agreement for a place to live was the payment - but that was never the deal. I even worked for him - I counted and billed tickets for his aggregate mine because his wife was too ill to do it. I was never paid, either, but at the time I really didn't care. I wanted to help and understood the incredible stress he was under.

Shortly after the diagnosis, J's "mother" passed away. It was sudden and unexpected, and at this point everything fell apart for us. She was the only person he had, (besides me) that he could really confide in, and it was she who took the edge off of his father's abuse.

J started to get into drugs heavily now that he was the sole recipient of his father's abuse. He began to become sexually and physically violent towards me. He was 6'2" and 190 lbs. I was 5'3" and 120 lbs. I was simply no match for him. 

There were mornings I'd wake up to find his hands down my pants, and these mornings never ended well. If I didn't put out, (and I was loosing attraction to him quickly at this point), things would get ugly. He would violently yank me out of bed - literally - and pick me up and physically throw me down or into a wall, etc. He would do this repeatedly until I was bloodied and battered. I stayed because I had no place to go, and I was convinced if he would just lay off the meth and get away from his "father" that he would be the person he used to be... For two years I lived like this. There was more than one occasion he cornered me in the bathroom all night and held a screwdriver in a threatening manner, saying if I moved he would use it. 

_It got to the point where I would hide all of his tools, knives, building and plumbing supplies, because I never knew what he was going to use to hurt me with next._

Then there was the vacation to Pagosa Springs, CO. I had found out just two days before we left that I was pregnant. J was elated, I was ambivalent. We decided to wait until our return to tell his father. That would never happen. During the long car ride there I was stricken with incredibly painful cramps. We even stopped to get some Midol, but it was useless. For hours I suffered in a hot car on stretches of highway that seemed to last forever. We arrived to the campgrounds and that was when I started bleeding profusely. 

J thought that I had just started my period/had been mistaken about being pregnant - but I knew this was WAY different. I miscarried, and spent the night awake in our camper bleeding and hurting so badly that I BEGGED him to take me to the ER. 

_He said we were too far away and that I should just "sleep it off"._

I was scared that if I fell asleep I would never wake up! Somehow I made it through that night... But I never forgave him. 

The abuse continued when we returned and one day I finally snapped. I started fighting back and defending myself with all I had. If I was going to die, I wasn't going down without a fight. During a struggle in the bedroom, another attempted rape, I ran into the living room and used our house phone to dial 911. I placed the receiver on the counter, hoping he hadn't seen me do this, but he had. My heart sank when he yanked the telephone cord from the wall.

He picked me up and carried me back into the bedroom to finish what he started. He literally threw me into the bed. 

_I remember we had these sheetrocked walls that were covered in huge holes from my body being thrown into them. I would photograph these and all my injuries for evidence later on. _

J held me to the bed with one hand around my neck and the other pulling down my pants. I still fought but he bore down his grip - I finally whispered, "I can't breathe". He looked me dead in the eye and said, "Good". 

His eyes were hollow, soul-less, empty. I thought that this was it.

_We lived rurally - I knew if he accidentally or purposefully killed me one day my body would probably end up in a mesa pit or the gravel mine. My body would be scavenged by coyotes and feral dogs._

I was still fighting him when we heard our generator outside shut off. We'd had a problem with our rural neighbors stealing things, and we both thought someone had taken the generator. He got up to investigate and was surprised (I was surprised, too!) to see two uniformed officers standing there. Apparently, the phone cord had not come out of the wall completely and the dispatch was able to send police after hearing the screaming and commotion. When they played these tapes during J's trial, I had to excuse myself.

The next year of my life wasn't much easier. I was now homeless, (taken to court and evicted by J's "father" for putting his son in jail - he called it "non-payment of rent" in court, but I knew why I had to go). 

I had a barely running car, 3 dogs and geckos and we all would camp out in the closest WalMart parking lot while I tried to figure out what to do. I lost ALL of my possessions except what I was able to fit into my car.

I put an ad on CL, first seeking a temporary place for my dogs to go. The couple who responded would change my life forever. I can honestly say I would not be where I am today if it weren't for them.

They graciously took all three of my dogs, even though they had two of their own. They cared for them, loved them and let me visit whenever I'd like. We got to be really close friends.

When I told them about what I'd gone through, the wife took me to the hotel where she worked and introduced me to her manager. Now I had a job, and a place to stay if the hotel wasn't busy! 

I worked my butt off to save money, and when the time came, I placed another ad on CL looking for a place to live where I could have my dogs with me again. 

Once again, a Guardian Angel came calling in the form of a landlord who had just evicted someone from one of the Casitas she owned. She was so kind and so sweet, and as it turns out, she LOVED dogs!! I moved in right away, and still remain very close friends with the couple who had cared for my dogs after I got them back. 

_I was still dealing with J, even though he was in jail. Letters and phone calls came almost daily, promising any and every promise he could, if I would just take him back... I was adamant that I would not._

While working at the hotel, I met my now-husband, (B). He was the overnight security guard there off and on, and we became close friends. For two years we worked together and took turns hanging out together on our days off. I had an immense crush on him from the get-go, but it seemed as though we'd never really be more. He would let me go over to his apartment and shower/get ready for work on the nights I was not staying at the hotel.

As time went on I also began spending time with the maintenance guy, (as friends as well - although I liked him, too, and hoped we would start dating). He and I would go out on his motorcycle often after work. One night, we'd been taking turns riding the bike in an empty parking lot not far from the hotel when I wrecked pretty badly, (loose gravel - ouch). I was bloodied from top to bottom, but somehow managed to drive myself home. 

_By morning I realized I'd severely underestimated the amount of damage to my body - I could no longer move without being in extremely severe pain._

I called B and asked him to help me, (since the maintenance guy was suddenly MIA). B works at a hospital, so he picked me up and took me there for treatment. From this point on we became REALLY close. He'd come over every day, sometimes more than once per day, to feed me, feed and care for my dogs, help me change my bandages, etc. 

One night we were lying in bed together, (I couldn't be upright for very long), joking around when he suddenly went in for a kiss.  That sealed the deal for me, right then and there. 

_He told me later that he knew he had to make a move then, because I was obviously dating around and I wouldn't be single for very long... _

Courtship was quick - 41 days before we were married. We'd both felt that we had known each other long enough and well enough that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

_Less than a week after getting married, J bonded out of jail and broke into my house while I wasn't home. When he realized that I was with B, (photos everywhere), he promptly called the police on himself threatening suicide. He was transported to a mental health facility. It was this incident that lead me to begin an EA with J - or what I thought at the time - was just a friendship. I had felt genuinely bad for him and had wanted to help. _

I was in no hurry to have B move in with me at first, so we decided we would wait until his lease was up on his apartment before he moved in with me. This would not happen. 35 days after being married he was dropping me off to get my car at his complex. We were approached by three armed men who robbed us at gunpoint. The main guy held the gun to my temple as he instructed the other two to go through my husband's pockets, taking his wallet, overnight bag, cell phone, and my purse.

_The gunman then went through my pockets. When he found my cigarettes I asked him not to take them. He said, "Alright. I will only take a couple." He removed a few from the box and put it back in my pocket._

These were the firsts in a long string of devastating events to take place in our first year of marriage. 

A month later we would lose 90% of our wedding photos in a fluke incident at WalMart while trying to back them up. The photo machine there experienced a power surge at the exact same time our SD card with the wedding photos was inserted, causing the card to be irreparably damaged and the photos forever erased. We would win this private matter, only to be awarded just $1,000 in damages.

In the following months, I was diagnosed with three cystic lesions in my brain, which is scary to hear, no matter how harmful/harmless they are. Especially when you cannot be treated until your pregnancy is over...

I also witnessed a violent, brutal attack on my neighbor's yorkie dog by two pit bulls that had gotten into her yard. The yorkie was not the only victim that day - while searching for the dogs in the neighborhood I was to discover the horrible rampage that happened that day that left three animals dead and another severely wounded. I had witnessed a second attack before these animals were finally caught. With all the children playing on the street that day, it is a miracle none of them were mauled.

For months I was called as a witness for not only the robbery, (the gunmen were caught several hours after the robbery), but also the case against the owners of the pit bulls. 

_Recounting these events simultaneously and repeatedly being called to testify at both trials was incredibly hard on me. I would lose my second job in three years due to the stress and anxiety this caused._

It was not long after this that I discovered I was pregnant. Neither my husband, nor I had ever wanted or planned to have children. He was adamant about the abortion, and threatened to leave me if I didn't. 

_At the time I thought it was the best thing to do, but it would become one of the greatest regrets of my life._

This contributed to a complete and total emotional breakdown that resulted in my husband coming home from work one day to find me unconscious on the kitchen floor. I remember the paramedics, my husband on the phone, the ambulance. 

_One of the medics, a tall young man, had gotten into the back of the ambulance with me, and thinking I was out of it, commented to me about how my breast had "popped" out of my shirt while he was with me in the house. I remember looking downwards towards my breasts - both firmly in place. As I did this, he exclaimed that he was only joking and trying to lighten up the mood._

I reported this guy immediately on my arrival to the hospital, but no one took me seriously. 

_It was later discovered that $80 was missing from my bag - a bag he must have went through when he found my post-abortion antibiotics and asked me what I was taking them for. I was never able to prove the comment he made or recover the money that was stolen._ 

My husband stayed at home - showered and made himself lunch rather than riding with me in the ambulance.

It was barely six weeks after this that I found out I was pregnant AGAIN. Because of the first incident, we had now been using TWO forms of birth control. I knew my daughter was just meant to be here for some reason, and continued the pregnancy despite my husband's protests. This was about the time I joined TAM. We had been having such difficulties that I was now on the internet night and day searching for answers. From then on, our marital issues can be seen here on the forums.

We are approaching our 2nd wedding anniversary in October - and I am unsure if we will even see our third. :/

I wish that the hardships we have gone through would make us stronger - but in reality it seems as though they've pushed us apart...

Probably way more then you wanted to know, but there you are.

Not seeking anything here but to add a background to my blog. If I seem a little nuts sometimes, maybe this explains why. I don't know. I think in many ways, I am/I feel so backlogged by everything that has gone on... Getting this out is therapeutic...  

Maybe I'll delete this... Maybe not...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hellioness (Jul 6, 2012)

You and I have both traveled down a tough path in life and I applaud you for having the courage to post everything that you did. I still haven't been able to reach that point and there are many MANY things in my past that will probably never be told.

Just remember, just because you've gone through this and had such a horrible string of relationships doesn't mean you deserve for it to continue. If I can get out and find a man like C, you can definitely turn it around for yourself as well.

Don't let your past deter you from having a relationship you truly deserve hun!


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Thanks, Hell. There is still SO much more to the/my/our story - Oryon's death, for instance - that impacts my ability to function some days. That really came up in a big, powerful way during the pit bill trial. 

Not that I would say I'm depressed - we both know I'm disgustingly optimistic - but my mind... Just isn't the same after these last few years. I feel like I've lost myself... And it's time to work on getting me "right" again. If I ever was, lol.

Taking an evaluation from where I was, where I am doesn't seem so bad at times. I am so grateful to have a husband who doesn't put his hands on me, but unfortunately, that goes for both abuse and affection. I suppose someday we/I will work it out...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I don't even know what to say Yin. You have had it so damn rough and I know rough. I wished we lived closer to one another. Did you say you were from Clarksville, TN? I had family there at one time, not sure if anyone still lives there. 

Not sure if you ever saw my own little life story but, here is a link. I guess this is why I wish so desperately I could do something to help you. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiet...209-little-girl-lost-my-journey-normalcy.html


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Pidge - just read your whole thread and commented - I, too, wish we lived closer!! I have to say, I am even more inspired to make the most of each day. We both know things could be a lot worse - but for some reason, when things are bad - they are HUGE in my mind... Being called a name hurts every bit as being beaten. I don't know why - don't know if that is normal, but I am working each day to try and separate the differences. It's easier some days than others...

Thank you again, for ALL the support to me that you have provided. You have helped me in MASSIVE ways and you will always be special to me for that!!! Just knowing you're there if I need you - is so very special! And I am always here for you, too!!

(((HUGS)))
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

humans are so screwed up... On one side you have these guys just wanting a companion, willing to treat them like princesses and get trampled up and down and on the other you have women falling in love and getting beaten and whatnot by titanic jerks...


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Wow!
Your life story is ROUGH!

But you come across as a very strong person. I know others who have been through much less and they have called it quits.

I am speechless.
There isn't much else I can say except,
Stay strong dear..,
Stay strong.

edit.
This is the first time I have ever read anything about you on TAM. I have read some of you comments to topics on the forums,but you have always come across to me as a carefree person just enjoying life......
Anyway I wish you find peace in your turbulent life.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Costa - My ex didn't start out abusive - We had three wonderful years together before he lost it... And despite what I've written here - I miss him so very much sometimes. There are days I am ANGRY with him for becoming the monster he did and for forever ruining the best relationship of my life. He might as well have died... Yes, I've moved on... But I don't think I will EVER in this lifetime - EVER have that connection again. I mourn it as a death. As final.

My husband - fights with his words, but he doesn't touch me. I truly believe he is a good person hiding in the exterior of a heartless, cold robot. I know it because I've seen it - and because I've seen it, I try so damn hard to find it again... However futile it is becoming. I would be very surprised if we made it to our third anniversary at this rate...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Being called a name hurts every bit as being beaten. I don't know why - don't know if that is normal, but I am working each day to try and separate the differences. It's easier some days than others...


i have heard this.
i dont think you are wrong for feeling that.
the physical bruises go away, the emotional bruises stay with you for ever.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I doubt I will ever have the courage to spill my entire life story in this manner but perhaps I should try doing so in a journal or something someday. I normally hold it all in and spout out bits and pieces every now and again when I get too overwhelmed. Words imo can be every bit as painful as physical abuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Costa - My ex didn't start out abusive -


They rarely do...


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

costa200 said:


> They rarely do...


I met him when he was 19 and was 26 when I "left" him. We had three wonderful years before he even showed a sign of abusiveness... At least, not that my naïve mind could see...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> Wow!
> Your life story is ROUGH!
> 
> But you come across as a very strong person. I know others who have been through much less and they have called it quits.
> ...


Thanks, CM. I think I will always be the "glass is half-full" kind of person... But some days this is hard to remember. Even if it's just thinking, "Life sucks, but at least I'm still alive to live through it."

I have those days a LOT. I try not to... I know things could be worse. I've had a lot of people help me along through all of this... But the rest of the work - the work in my mind - I can only do alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Pidge - just read your whole thread and commented - I, too, wish we lived closer!! I have to say, I am even more inspired to make the most of each day. We both know things could be a lot worse - but for some reason, when things are bad - they are HUGE in my mind... Being called a name hurts every bit as being beaten. I don't know why - don't know if that is normal, but I am working each day to try and separate the differences. It's easier some days than others...
> 
> Thank you again, for ALL the support to me that you have provided. You have helped me in MASSIVE ways and you will always be special to me for that!!! Just knowing you're there if I need you - is so very special! And I am always here for you, too!!
> 
> ...



I believe being called horrible names is way worse than getting hit, at least for me. When I would get hit, the pain was usually intense but, it went away. Getting called disgusting names and told how worthless I was, that sh!t hit me at my very core. 

I appreciate you being there for me and I will always be here for you.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

I couldn't ever comprehend going though the crap you and pidge did. 
She always said I was spoiled because of the way my family treats me (I'm the golden boy).


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

People sometimes say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I believe it to an extent, but then I look around at all the "broken" (for lack of a better word) people in this world and I really have to wonder.

Am I stronger for my experiences? Depends on how you look at it. I'm not always "better" because of them, if that makes sense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My God. You are a real Princess. To have come through all that.

My hat is definitely doffed to you, young lady.

Thank you for sharing this. It made me cry and I had to stop reading several times.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

No, don't delete it! It is a very inspiring story in that a person can go through so much and still turn out a decent person like yourself! You deserve nothing more than to be loved and taken care of the rest of your life! You will find that person.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> People sometimes say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I believe it to an extent, but then I look around at all the "broken" (for lack of a better word) people in this world and I really have to wonder.
> 
> Am I stronger for my experiences? Depends on how you look at it. I'm not always "better" because of them, if that makes sense.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know a guy who went through nothing bad in his entire 40 years and then witnessed his reactions to one smallish tough thing and a divorce and he couldn't handle anything. It does make us stronger in the face of adversity. He would often ask me how I can handle this or that and I would tell him, "I've been through much worse than this!" so yeah...that saying is true for that reason.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I think in a way, "stronger" applies to me in that my boundaries have weakened to accept and tolerate my circumstances - even when I shouldn't... On the other hand I DO have the ability to tolerate lesser happenings because I know I've been through so much worse... Quite possibly the reason I have not yet left my husband. I think I'm just skewed in the brain, to be honest. I need to spend some time alone to figure myself out...

Thanks for writing. I'm glad I didn't delete this, although I had my reservations about bringing so much to the surface. It's a relief for the time being. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I just wanted to say, I'm sorry you've been through so much! I really wish I could hug you for it all!


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Thanks for sharing, Yin. It's nice to hear the whole story.

I admire people that are willing to brave their souls about their past. 
Me, I've had a share of stuff. But I don't like telling people about it. 
Not many people are able to look past it, and look at how I am today, which is how I want to be known. I think, in my mind, I have dealt with my past, and I accept it is there, but I refuse to be held against it. Does that make sense? I'm also not great with pity. I don't want it. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, or "expect less" of me because I had a crappy run at life. 

But yes, talking about it and being open does wonders for you. It helps to process it. 

I'm glad you shared. It's nice to know more of you. Thanks for trusting us.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

It's taken a year for me to feel safe enough to talk about these things. I don't want pity, either, but I feel that knowing my past would give others a better understanding of where I am coming from. I most certainly am not spoiled or high and mighty at all... I just want love and acceptance from my husband most of all. Like you said about people holding your past against you - he does this to me frequently. He judges me for mistakes I've made and things I've put myself through. He chooses to have a low opinion of me, like he does everyone else. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I have not once thought you were spoiled yin and like everyone else said it is nice to know a bit more about you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

For someone thats had such a bad hand dealt, you're such a sweet person Yin..I feel so bad you went through all that. Thats more than one person should have to deal with..

I feel like I've just gotten a bruise with all the bull you've had to put up with..


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Thanks, Gaia. I wouldn't want it any other way - then I really might not appreciate the little things I DO have!! I admit that sometimes I focus TOO MUCH on what is NOT happening, instead of appreciating what IS. 

For instance, at least three times this week, my husband has made the attempt to INITIATE affection with me... It makes ALL the difference in the world when he does so because HE wants to hug me and hold me. That, I will never take for granted because it means so much. It would mean the same if he did once a month or once a day... It's really pathetic how much I just want him to WANT to be around me, touch me and say sweet things to me. 

@ Geek - I'm not all sugar and spice, believe me!! I have to fight off so many of my inner demons every single day... To not let the bad things turn me into a bad person... Without a doubt I have a dark, cynical tendency to over indulge in thoughts of revenge - but I never act on it. I know that guilt would eat me alive. A conscience is the ONLY thing keeping my thoughts in check, lol!!!  Some days it really does seem like giving in would be the easy thing to do - even the fun thing to do! LoL!! :FIREdevil:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> @ Geek - I'm not all sugar and spice, believe me!! I have to fight off so many of my inner demons every single day... To not let the bad things turn me into a bad person... Without a doubt I have a dark, cynical tendency to over indulge in thoughts of revenge - but I never act on it. I know that guilt would eat me alive. A conscience is the ONLY thing keeping my thoughts in check, lol!!!  Some days it really does seem like giving in would be the easy thing to do - even the fun thing to do! LoL!! :FIREdevil:
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've named mine Frank..My paternal grandfather..he's psychotic...no literally..When Frank comes out, I can't help it but to salt the very earth and burn every bridge..Total destruction..My STBXW used to hold the keys to let him out..I hated myself for letting her get the better of me, but she always did...and then Frank would come out..

I hold the keys now..and he gets out alot less now..Less and less all the time actually..


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