# Pictures of Previous Relationships



## yiiikes (Jan 23, 2012)

Should your spouse keep pictures of previous relationships? In terms of workable arrangments that are successful, I am thinking I would like to hear from members with strong, long term first marriages (15+ years).


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I've been married almost 10 yrs (sorry). I have a few pics of my ex, but he's my son's father and it's in a baby book that I plan to give to him when he moves out. That's it. My husband doesn't have pics of old girlfriends lying around. He does have a college album, where he's got a few pics of girls he dated in there (he's with them) but I'm in no way threatened by it. It's a college photo album for goodness sakes.


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## jenniferred (Mar 30, 2012)

I think it depends on the picture and the situation. If your spouse had children with the ex then the photos are for the children to keep. If the photo is of just the ex or your spouse and the ex in some kind of embrace then I think it has to go. It might also be okay if it was a larger group photo. You don't want to toss a photo that had several other people in it just because one is an ex.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I've got a few pictures here and there... My hubby thinks nothing of them... He doesn't have any at all... I think it's kind of strange, but hey, whatever, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yiiikes (Jan 23, 2012)

Just to clarify, our marriage is the first for both of us, The pictures in question are of previous dates/lovers.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

yiiikes said:


> Just to clarify, our marriage is the first for both of us, The pictures in question are of previous dates/lovers.


It depends on the specifics. My wife and I (our first marriage each) each have pictures of previous dates/lovers packed in boxes downstairs. They are all of the old prom, formals, event type pictures, as well as a couple of head shot pictures you often get from school. We don't display them and don't look through them all that often (only when we are moving stuff and we want to bore the kids). Our pasts did not just disappear once we got together, so we don't see any harm in keeping them. Now if she wanted to display them, I would have issues with that.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Doesnt sound appropriate to me how would she feel if you did the same thing ??


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Yes, we have pictures of people we dated previously. 
Why not? It's part of my history and his. We don't have these photos displayed in the living room. They're in some old photo albums tucked away in a closet. I'm not so insecure that I need to tell my husband to get rid of pictures from his past. He's with me now and makes me feel like #1 in his life so I don't care if he has old photos somewhere in the house. They way I see it getting rid of the photos doesn't get rid of the memories. All it accomplishes is making the partner making that request look insecure over old history.


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## yiiikes (Jan 23, 2012)

To Dean's comment, I have a concern about my son's and daughters seeing Mom and Dad with other people. My parents have been married for 50 years and they do not have any pictures of any other people from their past, it is just Mom and Dad. I like having it that way in my life.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

So then don't show the photos to your children. 
I wouldn't get rid of the photos unless that's what you both agree and one isn't pressuring the other to get rid of the photos.
Just be sure that one of you won't regret doing away with the photos.

When I first met my husband, he had photos from his proms, high school dates. I wanted to ask him to get rid of them, but I didn't. I'm glad. It's now part of his history and if some days my children are curious about what he did at that age, we have old yearbooks and photo albums they can look at. It's a starting place for a great conversation about what we were like back then, how he and I met, etc.


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## yiiikes (Jan 23, 2012)

I was trying to get a general answer to the topic first but here are the details.
My spouse has 3 apple boxes filled with every picture, card, love letter or note ever received dating all the way back to the 8th grade up until meeting me at age 25. It includes every little note ever passed to friends in high school class up through every trip ever taken with them and everything in between. It does include special occoasions like prom.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

yiiikes said:


> To Dean's comment, I have a concern about my son's and daughters seeing Mom and Dad with other people. My parents have been married for 50 years and they do not have any pictures of any other people from their past, it is just Mom and Dad. I like having it that way in my life.


Interesting, because I want my kids to know. They too will very likely have a life before they meet the person they marry. It will involve dating other people. I don't want them thinking that they need to marry the first person they sleep with or fall in love with. Not saying your approach is wrong, just a different perspective.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

yiiikes said:


> I was trying to get a general answer to the topic first but here are the details.
> My spouse has 3 apple boxes filled with every picture, card, love letter or note ever received dating all the way back to the 8th grade up until meeting me at age 25. It includes every little note ever passed to friends in high school class up through every trip ever taken with them and everything in between. It does include special occoasions like prom.


What you're not telling is why it bothers you so much for her to have these things.

Is she rummaging through it nightly? I'm trying to understand.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

yiiikes said:


> Just to clarify, our marriage is the first for both of us, The pictures in question are of previous dates/lovers.


In this instance - only in a box in the attic along with other forgotten memorabilia of childhood.

Unless there's a divorce and kids involved. No way should a picture of an old flame be on display.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

yiiikes said:


> I was trying to get a general answer to the topic first but here are the details.
> My spouse has 3 apple boxes filled with every picture, card, love letter or note ever received dating all the way back to the 8th grade up until meeting me at age 25. It includes every little note ever passed to friends in high school class up through every trip ever taken with them and everything in between. It does include special occoasions like prom.


I'm like this. I have old letters from friends, postcards, movie theater ticket stubs, concert ticket stubs, friendship bracelets, old birthday cards going as far back as 3rd grade. I don't necessarily look at these things, but I like having them and knowing that I can look back at my past if I want to. 

Your wife probably treasures these old momentos. If it were me, I wouldn't have a problem allowing her to keep memorabilia from the past. 

Why do you want her to give up those things? Is she rubbing those in your face?

Count me as another person who doesn't understand what the problem is.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

My husband came into the kitchen once, horrified look on his face, holding a photo album. I said What is it? He said 'Honeymoon album, what do I do with it?'. I told him to do whatever he wanted ... LoL...he threw it out...

But I did find a box of letters to an old GF of his; we were going through a bad time last summer, and I admit to throwing them out.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

yiiikes said:


> I was trying to get a general answer to the topic first but here are the details.
> My spouse has 3 apple boxes filled with every picture, card, love letter or note ever received dating all the way back to the 8th grade up until meeting me at age 25. It includes every little note ever passed to friends in high school class up through every trip ever taken with them and everything in between. It does include special occoasions like prom.


That seems a tad on the extreme to me. Love letters especially. But how do you feel about it?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Still have pics of old HS girls in my oldest album, about 5 or 6 pics. My wife still has her old prom pics with her 1st BF.

I don't sit around and look at them all day long and neither does she so it's not a problem.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Me & mine have never had any important relationships before each other...for both of us.... "puppy love". So it is easy for me to answer the way I do I suppose...

I often WISH my husband had pics of his other 2 Gf's, I would love to see them ! He doesn't even have a yearbook! I've asked him to look them up on FB even, but they can not be found... I wanted a glimpse. My husband does not at all care about some of the pics I have with my insignificant others... one of them came to our wedding.....& someone snapped a photo.....it is a part of our pasts.... I don't think they should be erased.... and Heavens, don't throw out Prom Pictures. 


Some people like to hold on to stuff like that, even if you throw all of it out, she may still have a diary somewhere ALIVE with the memories....it simply is a part of what made her who she is today.... just hearing certain songs can take you back there, some things can never be erased I suppose, even if you burn the pics.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I haven't read the other replies. But, I have kept one picture of me with an old bf because I look *amazing* in the pic. It has nothing to do with him. Heck, you can't even see his face!! 

I didn't keep that out in a place of honor, but I sure kept it in an album so I could look back and remember how I used to look.

Edit: I'm not at all photogenic--even my mom refused to buy my school pics, saying, "Honey, you are so much prettier than that!" So yeah, a good pic of me--one I like--is a treasure! I guess I have picture issues


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I never understood why anyone would insist on forcing their spouse to throw away life memories.

I have pics of many ex's in photo albums.
I just don't leave them lying around the house
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Both my wife and I have a small number of photos like this. Prom photos make sense to me to a point.

If they are viewed very often I suppose that could cause issues, especially if it drives one t catchup with and old BF / lover on FB.

Like anything else it depends on the extent of the situation. I think it healthy for kids to see mom in a Prom photo with whoever when she was dating.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

yiiikes said:


> To Dean's comment, I have a concern about my son's and daughters seeing Mom and Dad with other people. My parents have been married for 50 years and they do not have any pictures of any other people from their past, it is just Mom and Dad. I like having it that way in my life.


My daughter has gone through my old albums with me and seen pics of me with various ex's

I don't think it's traumatized her in any way.
I'm pretty big on exposing my kids to reality as opposed to creating a fairy tale
For them to believe in
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I have A LOT of old memories from school and ex-boyfriends in the form of notes, photos, etc. I even have a binder full of love letters from one person from my high school days. Like others have said it is part of my history and I see no need to get rid of it. If she isn't looking at it all the time I don't see what your problem is. :scratchhead: Even not wanting the kids to have it, see it, it can be put under lock and key if that bothers you that badly. Otherwise her keeping it is her personal choice. Why fight it.


What's the problem here again? Could you elaborate??


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## yiiikes (Jan 23, 2012)

I have never said I have a problem with any of it and I have never requested any of it be disposed of in any way, I am just looking to get some other perspectives on other situations like this from people with successful marriages to get some guidance.


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## yiiikes (Jan 23, 2012)

I didn't even say I did not want the kids to see the stuff, I only said I have never seen anything like that from my parents, who do have a remarkably successful first and only marriage of 50 years, and as their child I like that I have not seen that stuff.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

yiiikes said:


> I didn't even say I did not want the kids to see the stuff, I only said I have never seen anything like that from my parents, who do have a remarkably successful first and only marriage of 50 years, and as their child I like that I have not seen that stuff.


And your wife? What was her experience growing up? Have you asked her?

Bottom line is if you don't mind her having it, then great! No worries. It's not an unusual thing to have keepsakes from your life and past relationships. It's not something you've seen or do, but plenty of people do it.


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## yiiikes (Jan 23, 2012)

My spouse's experience is that Mom had 3 different husbands, the last being Dad. Mom passed away when my spouse was 22. I do not know more than that because it is never talked about. I assume there would have been all kinds of pictures of previous men/relationships around. I have not asked specifically but there is reluctance to talk about family in general.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Perhaps your parents didn't have photos of their past because they're not sentimental about such things or perhaps because they don't have any people they dated before each other. Also, people from that generation didn't take as many photos as we do today. Now your wife obviously likes having memorabilia from her past. If she wants to get rid of her momentos, she should. If she doesn't want to get rid of them then let her have them in an attic or garage.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

We both have pics from before we met and some contain past lovers and most don't. They are all mixed in and there are no 'shrines' to past lovers. I don't try to get her to rid her of her past nor has she pressured me to do this. We don't display them as they are old and in boxes or photo albums. I don't have any evidence that she regularly looks at any of them. She has shown me some of her old photos and some did have lovers in them. No big deal if you are in an open and honest relationship. It's unfair to try to get a partner to discard memories, some of which are good memories.


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## yiiikes (Jan 23, 2012)

As an interesting social statement, I never mentioned my gender or used the words wife or husband or even any gender specific pronouns in any of my posts and virtually everybody on this thread in their responses assumed:
1. I am the husband
2. My wife is the one saving the pictures, notes and cards
3. As the husband, I have asked my wife to get rid of her pictures and stuff


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Was this question a social experiment for you? I get the impression you'd rather correct people rather than get honest feedback.

This is not the first time I've seen such a question on this forum and the previous questions in the same vein were from men. If your the wife and your husband has three apple boxes filled 
with notes, letters and photos that would be interesting because 
most men don't seem sentimental about such things but I suppose there's an exception for everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

yiiikes said:


> I didn't even say I did not want the kids to see the stuff, I only said I have never seen anything like that from my parents, who do have a remarkably successful first and only marriage of 50 years, and as their child I like that I have not seen that stuff.


This strikes me as a very very odd statement. Maybe because it is based more on emotion than logic?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

yiiikes said:


> As an interesting social statement, I never mentioned my gender or used the words wife or husband or even any gender specific pronouns in any of my posts and virtually everybody on this thread in their responses assumed:
> 1. I am the husband
> 2. My wife is the one saving the pictures, notes and cards
> 3. As the husband, I have asked my wife to get rid of her pictures and stuff


Honey is this you? Funny - I just got my ass chewed Friday because I found a stack of photos mailed to me from an ex sister-in-law many many years ago and kept them because I was amazed how my baby son is the spitting image of my 16 year old son. Out of the stack there is a photo of my ex that is so small, I never noticed and filtered. 
He found this in a drawer and freaked out. This is after I spent a week with his daughter from his first marriage and looked at her photos of her mom and even sat there as he phoned and said hi to his ex in-laws. Life if fvcking funny sometimes - isn't it?
Photos of my ex is my past. It's my children's history, and if he's threatened by that, he should have married a virgin that never dated before. I don't display the photos nor go through them regularly. They are put away for my children. Sorry - touchy subject for me today!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yiiikes (Jan 23, 2012)

yiiikes said:


> Was this question a social experiment for you? I get the impression you'd rather correct people rather than get honest feedback.
> .


Not an experiment for me at all, I was only initially trying to get feedback independent of my gender because I wasn't looking for gender aligned responses, I was hoping to get objective posts independent of my gender. Ultimately I did find it interesting how much the issue is aligned with the wife being the one that keeps the stuff and the husband either doesn't keep the stuff or is sensitive that the wife is keeping hers


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

You also realize you've made other posts at TAM where you mention "my wife", right? Posters often look at someone's profile before responding so even if you use vague terms in a particular post it won't matter if in previous posts in other threads you mentioned you're the husband.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

yiiikes said:


> Should your spouse keep pictures of previous relationships?


I'm not a big one on "shoulds" in relationships. I prefer "that which works" and "that which doesn't".

I can tell you that between Carol and I, I would be heartbroken if she ever discarded pieces of her past like that. In fact, I have expressly forbidden her to get rid of some old journals. Sheez... to me that's all pieces of gold... little bits of insight into the woman I love so much. That includes all of her past relationships and lovers. All of that together is what brought the woman I cherish so much to me. I want to know ALL about it. I want to know all about her.

Carol isn't quite as rabid out it as I am but she certainly would not ask me to get rid of pictures I didn't want to. Aside from the "by what right" questions I'm sure she'd have, it'd just be pointless to her. They are no threat to her.

We just celebrated our 15 year anniversary together. By both our assessments it started out great and it is getting better over time. So that is what works for us... but I don't think that makes it a "should".


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Coffee Amore said:


> Was this question a social experiment for you? I get the impression you'd rather correct people rather than get honest feedback.
> 
> This is not the first time I've seen such a question on this forum and the previous questions in the same vein were from men. If your the wife and your *husband has three apple boxes filled
> with notes, letters* and photos that would be interesting because
> ...


There's always an exception, and my husband is IT in almost every way; he dragged a big box of old letters and cards around since 1987. When I found that it had been moved from his Dad's to our garage, I tossed it. He hasn't missed it yet. The box was ridiculously large; I'm 5'11' and it was chest height.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I tossed it. He hasn't missed it yet.


So he doesn't know you tossed it?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> So he doesn't know you tossed it?


It's a long story...I found something in there that outed him in a lie back when the box was still at his Dad's. When I found the box in my garage, the following summer, I got pissed, and threw out most of the contents, mainly letters and cards. The box itself, and the other crap that was in there (old blankets and junk), remained in the garage for the rest of the summer. He ended up throwing it out himself. If he noticed that his penpal collection was gone, he never said anything.


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## yiiikes (Jan 23, 2012)

Angel5112 said:


> On another note, why is it so important for you to get feedback independent of your gender? Why does that even matter?


I have found the issue to be a very polarizing issue and men and women seem to stick together in my experience. 

To add more detail to my story, since the independent response opportunity is now gone, the boxes in question contain stuff that would generate substantial friction, and has, in our relationship if the shoe was on the other foot. There is also stuff in there from a time when she was involved with some people and activity that she intentionally kept hidden from me which has raised questions about honesty and trust in our relationship.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I kept my old wedding albums after my ex and I divorced not because it makes me sentimental about HIM or anything as the feelings are gone. I keep them because there are pictures of my parents, in addition to pics of my niece and nephews when they were little...family and friends, etc. My parents paid a fortune for those pics!!

I COULD pull all the pictures out that mean the most yet the chances of them getting lost are enormous..may as well keep them in the album and if my future husband wants to take a big black marker and cross out my ex's face in every single picture he's in, (which he's too mature to do..lol!!)...more power to him as I couldn't care less.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband had a box of photos of his ex wife. I found them within a few months of getting married. In there was a letter begging him to take her back and promising kids. She wrote the letter when she found out he was engaged to me. Anyways, I threw that box of photos in the trash. I probably shouldn't have, but she was a beautiful woman. Perfect hair, perfect body. 

I immediately told my husband and he was never upset.

I never kept photos of my exes. My ex h photos with my first daughter was given to her. I'm pretty sure she threw them out too. Her biological father hates her.


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## jelichmann (Apr 5, 2012)

yiiikes said:


> To add more detail to my story, since the independent response opportunity is now gone, the boxes in question contain stuff that would generate substantial friction, and has, in our relationship if the shoe was on the other foot. There is also stuff in there from a time when she was involved with some people and activity that she intentionally kept hidden from me which has raised questions about honesty and trust in our relationship.


To me this makes the answer much more obvious… If your spouse is intentionally hiding something from you – as opposed to absentmindedly ignoring it – then that is a problem, plain and simple.

Especially if you're already having other trust related problems in the relationship (which it seems like you are), then everything should be out on the table problems-wise at this point. 

Now, how to deal with this problem is another question entirely. 

Here's my advice: I would start by trying to understand why she felt the need to hide these things from you in the first place… When you empathize with your wife, you'll be surprised at how much easier these problems are resolved. Don't think about how you've been wronged at all, focus on putting yourself in her shoes and thinking about her actions from her perspective. Only then can you reliably move forward and approach the problem fairly and in a way that will be good for your marriage.

I haven't been married 15+ years, but I've seen and studied my fair share of broken marriages so I'd like to think I have a solid background for answering this question. I leave that up to you, however.


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## Totally Lost (Mar 26, 2012)

I think people get too wrapped up in "the past" history. Just because someone has some old photos of past dates or marriages does not mean anything other than some good memories. To me, the key thing to remember and think about is "obviously he/she wasn't the love of their life or they wouldn't be with me today". 

I think this whole issue is about insecurity and it's something I battle myself sometimes. But the way I've learned to look at my partner's history is that it has made them the person that I fell in love with today. Without them going through the things/experiences/relationships they did I would not have them in my life more than likely.


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## yiiikes (Jan 23, 2012)

Angel5112 said:


> I can see why that would be a problem. Have you let her know that it bothers you? Have you asked her to get rid of the stuff? Has she refused or has it caused substantial arguments? Have you asked her why there seems to be a double standard?
> 
> There were things about my past that were hard for me to initially share with my husband. Things I had done that I wasn't proud of. What was her reasoning for keeping these things from you?


The double standard is reallly the major issue in our realtionship now, not sure why it is that way. She would deny having intentionally hidden them from me but I did ask her some specific questions when we were dating and the responses to those questions definitely were less than full disclosure and more in the vein of redirecting me. 

I feel like I have been intentionally deceived for some reason, Why would she represent herself as something other than who she really was?


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## Sincere Heart (Jan 5, 2012)

Was married to husband #2 for 27 years. He had pictures of his ex and what I know is, the pictures are just that, pictures. 
If they are x-rated pictures I would say, those should be burned. But pictures that are hamrless don't worry about them. Life is too short to put this kind of stress on you or your husband.
Sincere Heart


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

yiiikes said:


> The double standard is reallly the major issue in our realtionship now, not sure why it is that way. She would deny having intentionally hidden them from me but I did ask her some specific questions when we were dating and the responses to those questions definitely were less than full disclosure and more in the vein of redirecting me.
> 
> I feel like I have been intentionally deceived for some reason, Why would she represent herself as something other than who she really was?


The pictures aren't the problem. It's the lack of communication and honesty. I suspect even if she got rid of those pictures, the problems in your relationship will still be there.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> It depends on the specifics. My wife and I (our first marriage each) each have pictures of previous dates/lovers packed in boxes downstairs. They are all of the old prom, formals, event type pictures, as well as a couple of head shot pictures you often get from school. We don't display them and don't look through them all that often (only when we are moving stuff and we want to bore the kids). Our pasts did not just disappear once we got together, so we don't see any harm in keeping them. Now if she wanted to display them, I would have issues with that.


:iagree:

or if you have a child with another person and they are in a picture its fine. But yeah if not than you should not display pictures of past relationships


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## yiiikes (Jan 23, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> The pictures aren't the problem. It's the lack of communication and honesty. I suspect even if she got rid of those pictures, the problems in your relationship will still be there.


I am glad you rejoined Coffee Amore, you seem to have a level head about this topic. And I apprecaite everyone's feedback.

More detail:
1. One of the apple boxes is full to the top of love letters and cards from previous boyfriends and lovers dating back to the first boyfriend she had when she was 14.

2. My wife once dated a model (who hasn't, whatever). In one of the other boxes right on top when you first open it is a nice 8x10 color glossy shot of the guy modeling shirt off. Directly under that is the proofbook of our wedding. That proof book contains the only pictures we have of our wedding day, stabbed in that box under his full page spread, there is no other finished photo album - we do not even have the negatives (shot before digital). and in seven years of marriage she has never even ordered any other photos of our wedding. 

btw, she does have many other shots of the model guy doing his modeling in another box.

What are your thoughts on the love letters and wedding photos?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

sounds like she is still hung up on the model guy I ask this question if it was so great why is she here ?? and not there ?? it didnt work the first time and surely wouldnt work the next time the grass is never greener on the other side. If you water the grass you have it will grow green


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I don't know if she's hung up on him or if she's hung up on the idea of who he once was. People can be funny that way. My H used to go on and on about how his female neighbor ended up being bassist for Prince...How hot she was, blah blah blah. He insisted that I look her up online once...so we did...Well, she's in her 50s now...and not so hot. But he is remembering the 18 year old cool girl musician that lived next door, right? Don't worry about the model. He's probably bald and fat by now, broke with a string of miserable ex-wives. LOL.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> I don't know if she's hung up on him or if she's hung up on the idea of who he once was. People can be funny that way. My H used to go on and on about how his female neighbor ended up being bassist for Prince...How hot she was, blah blah blah. He insisted that I look her up online once...so we did...Well, she's in her 50s now...and not so hot. But he is remembering the 18 year old cool girl musician that lived next door, right? Don't worry about the model. He's probably bald and fat by now, broke with a string of miserable ex-wives. LOL.


. Or is into guys now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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