# Guy decoder please.....



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My fiance and I are on our 2 week trip visiting his family in the US. Yesterday, we did the customary thing and went to the mall and had lunch there at a ruby Tuesday....along the lines of Benigan's possibly, in any case a mid market restaurant chain.

I didn't have breakfast yesterday and Ruby's salad bar is great, let's just say the lunch hit the spot. But I always say thank you when my fiance pays and these days he pays for so mcuh.

But then he says.....he doesn't get it. Ruby's isn't that big of a deal. There are more expensive restaurants that we could have gone to.... as if I were a cheap date.

This is not good as it brings back the memories of his EA and learning that he was more generous to her than to me.

I mean really what was he trying to say yesterday.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Hm...well if I put myself in your fiance's shoes...

I had an EA, and treated the OW to better places than I took you...

I imagine he feels like because of doing that, you don't need to thank him for those little things. Like taking you out to lunch at a Ruby Tuesday. Because he considers it cheap, and not a big deal. 
But if he had taken you out to a 5-Star restaurant for dinner, then he probably would've expected to be thanked. 

I would feel guilty for what I did, and not expect to be thanked for the little things because getting a 2nd chance is big enough.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Not even married and he's had an EA? And he's still your fiance? Eesh. Why is that?

What he said was out of guilt...and the fact that he didn't think it was a big deal.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

Maybe I'm missing something in translation. How big was your thank you? Exactly what did you say - word for word? (e.g. Thanks for lunch, or you are so generous taking me to lunch, or that was the best thing you ever did for me)?

And exactly what was his response? 

Sorry, I need more info to decypher the code.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I had to explain to my man that in the past I have been in relationships where I was treated to things I didn't really want, things that were expensive that I didn't really value, and then expected to be thankful for those things. So I thanked him for not subjecting me to that kind of treatment, and for giving me the things I valued, like his time and company, and being in the outdoors, and cooking for me, and paying attention to what I said I wanted instead of what he thought I should want. 

The bottom line here is that you need to be adamant that you got what you wanted, and it's your right to thank him for it, and also the value of the salad bar to you, vs. some fancy meal along with fancy atmosphere you didn't really want. It sounds like he equates money with showing respect and love. That's a bit sad.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Could be nothing. Then again, if this guy primarily determines value based on financial cost, it might be reason for pause. Is he materialistic? Does he live beyond or to the limit of his means? Does he judge others by what they have or earn? To me, gratitude is a natural way of life for a decent human being. Someone does something nice for you, you thank them. Gratitude isn't determined by a price tag. Gratitude isn't something someone is "owed" once the meter goes over a certain dollar figure. Whether my wife prepares a huge meal for me or just brings me a cup of coffee, I express gratitude. In both cases, she was being thoughtful, showing me consideration in an inconsiderate world. I don't take that for granted. I try to steer clear of materialistic people. Their morals and loyalty are often undependable. Someone can go from employed to unemployed in a nansecond. They can go from rich to poor just as quickly. I want someone who doesn't change as their financial circumstances fluctuate.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I thank my guy for opening a door for me. For picking me up a bottle of cola. For stopping at the drive-thru when I'm hungry. He has never said he doesn't get why I'm thanking him. 

Your guy's comment is a really odd one! Truthfully, what I take from it is that he's feeling a need to get some space for himself emotionally, like he feels pressured by you in some way. He said something to catch you off guard and signal that he's feeling a lack of something.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Well if I was in his shoes, I would respond like that if my thinking was along the lines of, I'm used to spending more money at expensive restaurants. It wasn't something to say thank you to because I have a lot of money and Ruby Tuesday's is like taking you to Denny's. It's no big deal.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> My fiance and I are on our 2 week trip visiting his family in the US. Yesterday, we did the customary thing and went to the mall and had lunch there at a ruby Tuesday....along the lines of Benigan's possibly, in any case a mid market restaurant chain.
> 
> I didn't have breakfast yesterday and Ruby's salad bar is great, let's just say the lunch hit the spot. But I always say thank you when my fiance pays and these days he pays for so mcuh.
> 
> ...


Most guys including me, don't say things with some kind of hidden meaning. Usually it means exactly what was said. If you want to interpret his meaning you have to think like a man.

We usually have a very shallow thought process unless we are analyzing something in particular. I think it was just small talk.


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## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> Most guys including me, don't say things with some kind of hidden meaning. Usually it means exactly what was said. If you want to interpret his meaning you have to think like a man.
> 
> We usually have a very shallow thought process unless we are analyzing something in particular. I think it was just small talk.


:iagree:


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Juicer said:


> Hm...well if I put myself in your fiance's shoes...
> 
> I had an EA, and treated the OW to better places than I took you...
> 
> ...


thanks everyone for your responses. Juicer I would be interested in hearing your story. And at what point did you start feeling guilty? Did your partner have to point out the disparity before you did something about it?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Ruby Tuesday's is basically a glorified fast food eatery, ala Fridays, Applebees, and Denny's. 

I don't know you guys' history, but honestly this just sounded to me like a man who has a taste for a higher quality restaurant, and maybe would prefer to eat at finer establishments.


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## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

To be honest, I wouldn't like to be thanked just because I paid for a meal. If I specifically took her out to treat her that's one thing, but otherwise I'd just find it wierd. 

Then again I guess you're not married yet so it's a little different.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> Most guys including me, don't say things with some kind of hidden meaning. Usually it means exactly what was said. If you want to interpret his meaning you have to think like a man.
> 
> We usually have a very shallow thought process unless we are analyzing something in particular. I think it was just small talk.


Yeah, that. 

This is more about your trigger over the EA, which is understandable.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Feelingdown said:


> *To be honest, I wouldn't like to be thanked just because I paid for a meal. If I specifically took her out to treat her that's one thing, but otherwise I'd just find it wierd.
> *
> Then again I guess you're not married yet so it's a little different.


thanks for the input, but I guess it also shows one size doesn't fit all.

I remember I took a weekend trip with a guy (we were both going through our own separations at the time) and I noticed after a couple days that he was getting pissed off that after he opened the car door for me, I didn't lean over and unlock and open the door for him.

It's such a minefield as to what men expect.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

NextTimeAround said:


> thanks for the input, but I guess it also shows one size doesn't fit all.
> 
> I remember I took a weekend trip with a guy (we were both going through our own separations at the time) and I noticed after a couple days that he was getting pissed off that after he opened the car door for me, I didn't lean over and unlock and open the door for him.
> 
> *It's such a minefield as to what men expect*.


I think it's just a minefield as to what _people_ expect. I mean, I expect the door to be opened for me. And when it is, I say "thank you". If someone buys something for me - even if it's a pack of gum or something--I say thank you. Like Kathy, I say thank you for just about everything someone does for me--whether it's men or women. 

It confused my ex in the beginning too, I think. He didn't come from a family with the same manners that I did. He got the picture some after a couple of trips to visit my family, though.

We're just all raised differently--I wouldn't put too much more thought into it than that. Especially if you've been thanking him for lunches and dinners and whatever for 2 years now!


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## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

I think you're reading too much into things. 

It was a cheap lunch. He didn't see the big deal. That's all. 

But I do have to wonder, does he enjoy more sophisticated food? Maybe go out somewhere nicer from time to time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

How hard did he work to reconcile with you after you found out about the EA? 

IDK. I'm of the mindset that anything easy isn't worth having. It can be taken for granted. People are no different. We appreciate and respect things and people more when we had to work really hard to get it or keep it. How hard did he have to work for you to stay in his life?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> *How hard did he work to reconcile with you after you found out about the EA? *
> 
> IDK. I'm of the mindset that anything easy isn't worth having. It can be taken for granted. People are no different. We appreciate and respect things and people more when we had to work really hard to get it or keep it. How hard did he have to work for you to stay in his life?


He has defriended her on FB; deleted her profile on his messenger. As far as I can tell, they have not seen each other since the beginning of 2011; and have not been in touch with one another since the end of May 2011. 

He has stepped up a lot generosity since then. He's asked me to marry him.

But yeah, I do wonder. Do you mean like that feisty, in your face type of woman. I am certainly not that.


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

Have you told him that you were unhappy that he took the OW to more expensive places. If that is true, then he might be trying to make up for it by showing you that he would take you to places that are just as nice.
He could also be "above" eating at a chain restaurant like Ruby Tuesdays. Maybe he likes fine dining and you don't. If he likes the finer things in life, and you like simple things that will cause you issues later. Like when you have kids, and you want dress them in JC Penny clothes, and he insists on Tommy and A&F. There is nothing wrong with either one, where you eat and what you wear does reflect on you and your values. If you have drastic differences in your lifestyles it will cause issues in other aspects of your relationship.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

NextTimeAround, i don't think you need a "guy decoder". Because what i think you need is to understand that we are not talking in code. What we say is what we mean 9/10 (unless we are being ironic/sarcastic).


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