# WH has ruined love songs for me



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

My STBXWH of 25 years, who has moved out and started divorce proceedings so he can be with the OW he met less than a year ago, has pretty much ruined all love songs for me.

I know, boo-hoo, there are many much worse things in the world. But I love music, especially classic rock and pop music, and let's face it - much of it is about falling in love, lusting after someone in particular, making love, or being in love. There are the especially painful songs to hear that he used to say reminded him of me and our relationship, like "Still the One" and "The Long Run," but pretty much all of them make me sad or piss me off, depending on my mood.

I don't go out of my way to listen to them, but there are certain Pandora One stations I like to listen to when I'm going on walks every night, and I find myself skipping past most of the songs. Probably just have to bite the bullet and program an iPod to only contain empowering, anthem-like songs that have nothing to do with loving anyone except yourself.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

You'll get past that, I swear. You need to find some good, angry break up songs, start a different thread with suggestions.

One I liked was "Love Song" by Tantric

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lP6LIZ4Fgsw

Skip Adele for a while, lol.


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## Brigit (Apr 28, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> My STBXWH of 25 years, who has moved out and started divorce proceedings so he can be with the OW he met less than a year ago, has pretty much ruined all love songs for me.
> 
> I know, boo-hoo, there are many much worse things in the world. But I love music, especially classic rock and pop music, and let's face it - much of it is about falling in love, lusting after someone in particular, making love, or being in love. There are the especially painful songs to hear that he used to say reminded him of me and our relationship, like "Still the One" and "The Long Run," but pretty much all of them make me sad or piss me off, depending on my mood.


I'm so sorry your marriage is breaking up. It sounds like music is triggering you right now. So, for now you'll need to keep away from music with words. 

Here is something that might help:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J65GxJ2v9Wg&spfreload=10


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Its kind of funny. When my me and my kids dad broke up after 7 years i found it SO HARD when i heard a love song that reminded me of him. Many songs would leave me a wreck when i heard them.

The thing is as time went on they meant nothing to me, I could hear one of those songs and think nothing, nor feel nothing. And yet there was like i say a time where i would crumble and cry my eyes out... I have heard some of those songs so many times since then and i can listen to them easily.

As time goes on i think those sort of feelings die, just like the relationship had all those years ago.

Now my husband and I have OUR songs, our love songs together.

As time goes on it could happen this way for you too.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Hopefully this will make you chuckle 

http://youtu.be/yWhpk-8QLFQ


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There are two songs that are bitter-sweet to me. Both because they reflected the horrible reality of two different loves of my life:-

Torn Between Two Lovers 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmvYlJb2-bc

and 

He's (Back) in Town
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bjmxp9-cGQI

God. I certainly know how to pick them.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> You'll get past that, I swear. You need to find some good, angry break up songs, start a different thread with suggestions.
> 
> One I liked was "Love Song" by Tantric
> 
> ...


"I hope you're really happy and you choke on it."

That's perfect.

Thank you, Kristin.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

This is my personal favorite antidote to all the love songs:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=NRQi8rM5OyE


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I second that. This will pass.

I Love country music. Don't judge.

But when your wife cheats on you and and are heartbroken do you know how depressing that **** is lol. I couldn't listen to any music for awhile. In time it passes. Just need more time


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## Foolish Man (Apr 16, 2015)

I have similar tastes in music. I find myself pretty invigorated by the songs that remind me of loves/conquests prior to my marriage. I also have the unfortunate knowledge of many of the love songs the WW was listening to/sending to the OM. Frankly lots of that shyte is pathetically cheesy and clearly represented an absolutely false fantasy. A key to me is understanding the distinction between love and infatuation or falling for seduction tactics. Sometimes I get a smug smile thinking the WW really drank the kool aid. I dated quite a bit and developed a good understanding of the wave of euphoria and learned how to handle it sensibly. The WW acted like an idiot and a fool. Sappy love songs get in head edits for me, some even make me laugh.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I'm the guy you hate when you stop at a red light and you can hear my music blaring. I used to love to turn up the radio/cd and ride with the windows down, it would clear my mind of almost any hectic day. Today I usually don't turn the radio on anymore. I did try a few times but the first time I did our wedding song came on. It put me into a panic attack full throttle and I couldn't pull off the road fast enough. To date it was the worst panic attack I had and I certainly don't need a repeat. Second time I tried the song "stay" (Jennifer Nettles) came on, great song about the OW!! So now I just ride without music, enjoy the peace of quiet so to say, and if I have someone with me I talk. But listening to music is a thing of the past for me, maybe it will return and maybe not, it won't change anytime soon though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

drifting on said:


> I'm the guy you hate when you stop at a red light and you can hear my music blaring. I used to love to turn up the radio/cd and ride with the windows down, it would clear my mind of almost any hectic day. Today I usually don't turn the radio on anymore. I did try a few times but the first time I did our wedding song came on. It put me into a panic attack full throttle and I couldn't pull off the road fast enough. To date it was the worst panic attack I had and I certainly don't need a repeat. Second time I tried the song "stay" (Jennifer Nettles) came on, great song about the OW!! So now I just ride without music, enjoy the peace of quiet so to say, and if I have someone with me I talk. But listening to music is a thing of the past for me, maybe it will return and maybe not, it won't change anytime soon though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is pretty much how I feel. Can't turn the radio on in the car at all, and I used to love doing that. I don't have Sirius FM or something like that I can program for a particular genre, but I wonder if even classical/instrumental music would still make me sad if it had a melancholy sound to it, or if some Bach/Mozart that we used to have playing in the house when our son was a baby would be a trigger, so I avoid that as well.

Rat [email protected]@rds, all, for robbing us not only of the trust we had in them and all the favorite places we used to go to together, but of something that was once a salve to our souls.

I like to hope I will fall in love again someday with someone actually worthy of me, and then all those songs will be mine again.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

When I found the text messages from OW on his phone and iPad, there were tons of links to sappy love songs. BUT, when she started pushing him to leave, she went full "Bunny Boiler" and sent him "Two Black Cadillacs" by Carrie Underwood:rofl: I grew to like that song.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oVEBZLrjpw4


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Ah Radio Days...

When she first announced I didnt understand that EVERY SINGLE song that plays on Top 40 could be a potential knife in my heart.
Try listening to old stuff? 
BAMMMMM!!!! All memories triggered.
Classical? Nope.
Finally found my way into some new music that had NOTHING to do with her and camped there for a year. 

Top 40 still stings a little sometimes...I cant belive how many faulty ideas keep repeating themselves in our music culture.
It's as bad as the romance novels.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

He's TOTALLY killed the Carpenters for me. I went to see a good friend do a tribute show of Karen Carpenter songs (her voice is just like hers - amazing) the night that ended up being D-Day.

Right before I found out about the OW, in telling him how good her show was, he asked if she did "We've Only Just Begun" (duh - she opened with that one), because it is his "favorite wedding song." WTHF??? (The H there is for Holy.) That wasn't OUR wedding song, and it came out many years before we got married. I'm thinking to myself "WTH is he doing talking about wedding songs?" when BAM - her @$$hole text displays on his iPhone that's sitting right between us on the couch and he's not paying attention to that says "Please don't call me tomorrow. I'm too upset with you right now to speak with you."

So. I can't even think about Karen Carpenter's beautiful voice, or my friend whose voice sounds just like hers, without triggering and replaying that delightful movie in my mind.

God, I hate him for all he has destroyed in my life.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> My STBXWH of 25 years, who has moved out and started divorce proceedings so he can be with the OW he met less than a year ago, has pretty much ruined all love songs for me.
> 
> I know, boo-hoo, there are many much worse things in the world. But I love music, especially classic rock and pop music, and let's face it - much of it is about falling in love, lusting after someone in particular, making love, or being in love. There are the especially painful songs to hear that he used to say reminded him of me and our relationship, like "Still the One" and "The Long Run," but pretty much all of them make me sad or piss me off, depending on my mood.
> 
> I don't go out of my way to listen to them, but there are certain Pandora One stations I like to listen to when I'm going on walks every night, and I find myself skipping past most of the songs. Probably just have to bite the bullet and program an iPod to only contain empowering, anthem-like songs that have nothing to do with loving anyone except yourself.


i will take it a step further....

love songs had much the same effect on me you described. I found the only thing i could listen to was angry music...."kiss off" by the Violent Fems comes to mind....or maybe "i want to fight"......... contemplated mailing her a CD of some choice tunes. in the end i just turned the radio off for a while.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I love music and never read much into what my W listened to until a download theme developed. Here it is:

What hurts the most: Rascal Flat's
Never Gonna Let you Go: Sergio Mendes
I Will: The Beatles
In My Life: The Beatles
I'll Follow the Sun: The Beatles
Still: Lionel Richie

She will not let these songs play when I am with her. Sometimes I toy with her and will begin humming one and in my mind I make a mental note of how fast it takes her to turn on the Radio or her Ipod which she will control like her life depends on it.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

When I think of my STBX's affair soundtrack I play this:

Damien Rice - Rootless Tree

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=25cO4K4kHpE


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Hopefully some day a guy will send you Demi Lovato's "Give your heart a break." and all will be better.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

The B-52's had some really, just good time songs. When I hear those, I think they would be great when alone to just let it all out. They would be alternative. 

Here's a sample:

https://youtu.be/9SOryJvTAGs

https://youtu.be/ofkzvM7Skxg

This one seemed to help me some:
https://youtu.be/oKsxPW6i3pM

I'll add a few to this post as I find them, if it's okay.

Here's one from a great alternative rock band.

https://youtu.be/1VQ_3sBZEm0

https://youtu.be/rhzmNRtIp8k

Kind of a nice upbeat song:

https://youtu.be/Gz2GVlQkn4Q


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I said I would try. Here is one that seems somewhat uplifting and is of the adult contemporary genre. 

I Lived - One Republic

This one has a funky disco sound. Upbeat and a little goofy narcissism fill the lyrics. It might even make you smile.

Uptown Funk - Mark Ronson


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Music is extremely moving to me personally.. I can't imagine how HARD this would be.. interesting thread topic.. to hear how others have waded through this.

Here a good one (I guess if you like some ROCK)..

 Scars -Papa Roach 



> *x598 said* : *I found the only thing i could listen to was angry music.*


 When 3rd son's 1st love broke up with him. this was his salvation.. BAD A** ANGRY music... Yep.. Happy for it. he was a bit depressed .. he shared this with me months later.. when I asked him what helped.. that was HIS answer. 

Nothing beats Alanis Morissette's Jagged little pill album about heartbreak.. she was ANGRY & she was brilliant expressing it..  You Learn .... 

This one is *RAW*! .. .  You Oughta know


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Why are you giving him permission to have that kind of power over you?

It isn't the love songs that are ruined, it is just a symptom of what he did and a symbol/metaphor of what he did to you.

The closer you get to detached from him and what he did/is doing I suspect the more this symptom will fade.

Take your power back, stop giving him permission to hurt you or control and have power over you.

Best way to do that is counselling. Explore this symptom with a therapist.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

My H posted 39 sappy Love songs on face book for the world to see. Some of them use to be our songs. OW would like & put a comment like that's beautiful on all of them.

Now I can't even listen to my favorite songs anymore. We've always listened to our music EVERY where we go. I use to skip to the next one every time one came on that triggered me, but I found myself skipping songs instead of enjoying the ride so now I just try to tune them out as best I can & hope it will get better. So far it's not working that well..


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I felt the same way as you, OP, then I started listening to more soulful music about being on your own, growing strong, forging ahead, not letting anyone tear you down. I'd belt it out in my car all the time.... And it'd make me feel a LOT better!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

CantePe said:


> Why are you giving him permission to have that kind of power over you?
> 
> It isn't the love songs that are ruined, it is just a symptom of what he did and a symbol/metaphor of what he did to you.
> 
> ...


You are right, but it is hard to do. Time and distance help.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Believe me, I know what it's like. I was there too at one point. Music is emotions in sound format.

I get it. Totally.

I was forced to get over it fast because of the type of business we have (deejaying, music entertainment). Not like I can tell a customer no I'm not playing that because it reminds me of the husband's emotional affair...I'd never get booked for gigs that way.

It made me realise that I was the one attributing an emotional attachment to a piece of music someone else made. The more I realised this the more I could catch myself doing it and talk myself down from it. Reminding myself, they are words and music put together to convey a total strangers message they wanted to convey, not what it reminded me of.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

CantePe said:


> Believe me, I know what it's like. I was there too at one point. Music is emotions in sound format.
> 
> I get it. Totally.
> 
> ...


I have a whole thread on this stuff. Many of those songs made me cry. I forced myself sometimes to listen. You can hear my moods rise and fall with the music. 

In time, and with looking up song meanings and lyrics, I realized they don't always mean what I think they mean, or what they mean to me. Just as you describe. Sometimes folks would post songs that hurt and I would sometimes say so, if they were really hurtful. It's all through that thread. 

Angry songs work, but so do happy songs, and uplifting spiritual songs. Everyone has a preference. Whatever helps. I had to remember songs too, so I could regain my memory, so it was two-fold for me. 

I may have even posted about crying over a song or memory brought back by a song. That wasn't a lie. Like I said, whatever works for you NMB. It's tough, but with healing comes new meanings for songs and less pain. See a counselor if you are not. It does help.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Motley crue.
Dont go away mad.
JUST GO AWAY!


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> When I think of my STBX's affair soundtrack I play this:
> 
> Damien Rice - Rootless Tree
> 
> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=25cO4K4kHpE


Ooh. Good one.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Motley crue.
> Dont go away mad.
> JUST GO AWAY!


Skid Row - Get The F*ck Out


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Like many of you have said here, I find angry rock to be my salvation. And songs about empowerment.

P!nk is great for this. I love "Fvcking Perfect," "So What?" and "Blow Me (One Last Kiss)". 

I'd forgotten about Alanis Morrisette and "You Oughtta Know." That is a lovely, seething with hatred song. Seether's "Fake It" is a favorite lately. I even find mindless AC/DC stuff soothing, like "If You Want Blood (You Got It)" and "Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap."


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Pink is pretty cool. That said, I don't have any of her music.

I should probably change that.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Sorry I misunderstood NMB.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

I cant listen to most country music from about 2000-2010ish, as well as a few other rock songs from the same time frame (and a couple other ones that I don't even like, but were in the picture).

Some of my current favorites include Five Finger Death Punch: Remember Everything and Wrong Side of Heaven. I also am partial to Theory of a Deadman: Hurricane.

Heart: Alone is also a classic.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

altawa said:


> I cant listen to most country music from about 2000-2010ish, as well as a few other rock songs from the same time frame (and a couple other ones that I don't even like, but were in the picture).
> 
> Some of my current favorites include Five Finger Death Punch: Remember Everything and Wrong Side of Heaven. I also am partial to Theory of a Deadman: Hurricane.
> 
> *Heart: Alone is also a classic.*


Awesome song. "All I Wanna Do...", though...?

Not so much.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Awesome song. "All I Wanna Do...", though...?
> 
> Not so much.


Agreed.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

During my "love songs trigger me" period I found guilty pleasure in Evanescence, but "Going Under" was especially cathartic:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdhqVtpR2ts

Since most "love songs" were off the menu, I started to get into world beat music, which is like Native American stuff with R Carlos Nakai or Rita Coolidge (Walela), Paul Simon in his later years, and kind of new age, Celtic stuff like David Arkenstone and almost anything by Narada. I found that music "fed the soul" and was something new that did not have a memory tied to my X.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I love Evanescence, and especially "Going Under."

Here's one I was reminded of this morning when I thought to myself, "Now he can kiss my @$$ good-bye."

Truly a classic, seething, loathing-fueled song. Queen's "Death on Two Legs."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=kqVpk0qxmfA


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Okay, nomorebeans, promise you won't laugh at me and I promise I won't link to the song 

But there were definitely musical phases in my personal recovery from my xH's affairs. There was the *Angry Phase*--during which I would vacuum and crank up Evanescence, Alanis and LimpBizkit. Yes, peaceful, calm, little ol' cream-puff me cranked up the the song from "Chocolate Starfish and Hotdog Flavour Water"...you know the one. It starts with an F and ends with CK and is not 'FIRETRUCK'  I consider myself a Christian and yet I have to admit it felt really good to scream that one. Oh I also would drive the freeways late at night, turn down the windows, crank up the metal, and rage against the machine 

After the anger came a *Discover Me Phase*, and that's when I tried all kinds of music that *I* liked that my exH didn't like. His taste in music was very slim and pretty much limited to U2. LOL I like a large variety, so I tried music that wasn't linked to him like I mentioned yesterday. I got into a spiritual period where I listened to music that was smooth and relaxing but different, so world beat, celtic, new age...that all fit. But I also tried some adult jazz and TOTALLY got into the blues. Hey if I ever wanted to wail about how down I felt, the blues is it baby! Pour some Jack and listen to how bad life sux!!

Then came the period I consider the *Reclaim My Music Phase*. I had already finished the divorce, I had myself and my finances "in order," and I had grown quite a bit personally through support group and counseling. I was ready to face the songs I loved but that had memories attached. This phase was hard because at first every song made me break down crying. BUT I stuck with it! There was one song that was particularly poignant: "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers. Oh those words said everything my heart had felt for my exH and to him my best was worthless! So I listened to that song and was just dying...but I listened again and again and again and again--50 times! I listened to that song 50 times and each time got a little easier and by the end I could hear it as a song and I could re-hear the lyrics as lyrics of hope for what was ahead and how I might feel for a partner who was a better match for me. 

Now I didn't listen to every song 50 times. Some were more like: listen to it, endure the pain, listen once more and this time have the intent of "I'm taking this song BACK! It's MINE!"


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I hope to be able to take my old favorites back someday, too, Affaircare. Maybe when I can think of someone else who's a much better partner to me than he ever was when I hear them. Or just because I don't want to allow him to have that kind of power over me anymore.


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