# After The Lies - Expectations



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Dear TAM Ladies,

I'd love your POV on the following.

It has been more than 6 weeks since DDay. As you no doubt understand it has been a very difficult time. 

I'm still not clear on what my expectations should be from my WS (wayward defacto). I have been trying my version of a 180 in the last week which did yield some results (she fell into a crying mess - though she had also been drinking). Next day back to normal.

We have gone through a number of phases in this time but those phases are really just from my end. The bottom line is that she has continued to minimise, divert, justify - all of the typical behaviors.

We briefly developed a pattern where i was asking very specific questions about the physical affair but very quickly it descended into an abusive mess because it hurt me so much. Worse than that she maintains this uncompromising line that the PA wasn't planned, it was bland, she didn't like it, she felt she "owed it to him". Remember there were multiple acts.

I find the whole story completely unbelievable and on this basis it just extends an inflames the betrayal and the destruction of trust.

So we move on - she is totally chilled (over it) and I am an emotional wreck. Some days I'm on top of my game particularly during 180 but other times, most of the time, on edge and hyper alert to every nuance. 

What is clear since DDay is how much of a single woman she has developed into - she has her own life. Not that this is a bad thing but it is clear how she had this other life both with and without the A - outside of our crumbled relationship.

The thing is that right now I believe she should be more attentive to me, not ridiculously so, but more conducive to working on our supposed Recon. When I have questioned her commitment to recon, her involvement, she defaults to how she's not there yet or how she's too afraid to approach me because of my emotional instability (which she created).

What do you think my expectations should be?

If you are interested you can read my story on a number of threads all beginning with "After the Lies...."

regards Horizon


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Horizon said:


> So we move on - she is totally chilled (over it) and I am an emotional wreck. Some days I'm on top of my game particularly during 180 but other times, most of the time, on edge and hyper alert to every nuance.
> 
> What is clear since DDay is how much of a single woman she has developed into - she has her own life. Not that this is a bad thing but it is clear how she had this other life both with and without the A - outside of our crumbled relationship.
> 
> ...


Um, what do you mean by "so we move on"? Does that mean its being swept under the rug and no longer discussed? Your expectation should be nothing short of total transparency on her part, total remorse on her part, and total commitment to making you feel that she is in this 100%. She does not sound sorry whatsoever. Her being "chilled, over it", does not bode well for your reconciliation AT ALL. It will happen again. Continue with your 180, for yourself.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

This is the thing 3Xnocharm; it is a battle to get her to come to the table. She gets home from work, dinner is on, the kids get fed - blah, blah, blah and then we just carry on as we always used to except there is this massive elephant in the room.

We were having open talks each night about the PA - the horrible details which I needed to know. That stopped because it really got me angry to hear those things from her mouth - what she did for him and denied me for 18 years etc.

Then I 180'd which yielded some results (she broke down after 3 days of it) which then ended up with her having a shot at me the next day about ignoring her - as though we were right back in pre Affair land (not communicating).

I've just discovered she did not have the STD check which she agreed to. I went and had it! So I've got to confront her on that which brings this horrible vibe into the house. All because she has not been entirely open, has trickled truthed, still lying by omission....

I'm telling you for the last time she is not about to come after me everyday looking after my emotions by confessing or checking how I feel, how "we" are going. 

Even the books she is reading at the moment deal with sexually charged secret lives - frustrated partners etc, that sort of thing. You can see how she has changed or allowed that part of herself to come to the fore - it's pretty obvious to me.

How do I move fwd with her from this if she will only do so much - all on her terms.

By the way - my original post on TAM was titled "Where The Truth Lies" for those interested.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Your an emotional trainwreck because she's chilled over the devistation she caused you. It's the way of a "f0cker".

So as long as this is the alignment, you may as well just imagine her as a red hot poker, who doesn't care about your pain, and will poke that hot metal into your flesh, cutting through it like butter, and rotate it around scrambling your insides.

When you cry out and react in pain, it has no effect on her.

When I read your posts, and the replies to this thread - it's one of much hope. Pretty much your being asked to just see that if it was a respectable situation, it would have not happened, and if she was trying to do right by you - you wouldn't feel this way.

It's a disrespectful and shameful position you are in, no loving person would have you in this position.

You gotta allow these narcissists to go on and do all the damage they are going to do in the world until it comes back on them.

You do your part by breaking up, cutting off support and cutting off contact.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Horizon said:


> How do I move fwd with her from this if she will only do so much


You dont. You cant.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> You dont. You cant.


Explain to him in detail why he can't do it, and why she will not...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Marriage counselling. No contact with the OM. Forever.


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