# A risky idea?



## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

I'm a 25 year old man who is contemplating a decision which may be a mistake. 

About two months ago, I met a woman from Mexico who worked as a live-in maid in my city. We fell in love right away. I'll spare you the details, but she lost her job and has lived with me for the last month. Because of her visa status, she will have to leave the country in 30 days. Since this is over 1000 miles away, it's pretty likely that I wouldn't see her again. But, if we got married, she would become a citizen and could stay here. 

I definitely would like to be married someday. Although this is a very short time to become acquainted with someone, I am not sure how many other girls like her I will be able to meet. I have high standards for the kind of woman I would want to marry, but she meets them -- At least as far as I can tell. As with everyone, we have a special emotional connection with a lot of happy and fun times together. However, there are five main things about her I really like which are not emotionally based. These are traits which I (and probably a lot of guys) really look for in a woman. I have tried to write about why they are important to me:

*She is a kind and well-mannered person*
It's my observation that a lot of attitudes and humor in the United States is very mean spirited and sarcastic, especially in my age group. Frankly, I don't care much for this attitude. When a person makes fun of other people or says rude things about them, it is just off-putting to me. I am the 'if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all' type. I also wouldn't be able to be with a wild girl who drinks often and likes going to parties, dancing on bars, etc etc. I know there's some fun in cutting loose now and then, but I wouldn't be able to deal with a person like that. 

*She enjoys cooking and is very clean*
It is becoming harder to find people (male or female) with these habits. I am not a good cook and I am a cluttered person. This girl can cook nice, delicious Mexican food, the way she learned from her mother. This is increasingly rare these days and a lot of people simply buy take-out or prepackaged microwave meals. It's almost hard to even describe how nice it is to have a home-cooked meal every day.

She also has good cleaning habits -- I put effort toward being neat, but my family was always messy and I didn't have much in the way of chores/housework as a kid. I am neater than my parents, but still have issues with clutter. Maybe it is because of my desire to change this that I view messiness in a glaringly negative way. 


*She is financially responsible*
This is supposedly the main cause of divorces in the United States today. Bad money habits lead quickly to disagreements and discord in marriages. This girl believes in saving money and living within one's means. I feel like we could fully trust eachother with finances. We agree about spending in most cases, and even if we disagreed about how some money might be spent, there wouldn't be any secrets or spending behind eachothers back. I think this is really great.

*She takes care of herself.*
She shows concern and responsibility toward exercise and eating sensibley. It's my belief that most women can stay attractive physically into their late 40s and beyond, as long as they put real effort toward looking after themselves. As stated above, she isn't a heavy drinker and doesn't smoke, which goes a long way toward being healthy.

*And finally...She 'puts out.'*
Willingness to have frequent sex is a 'stereotypcially male' thing to desire in a partner. You can roll your eyes if you like. I would classify myself as having a moderately high sex drive. I am a '5-6 times a week' person, and this is about what we have been doing since she began living with with me. In our discussions she tells me that she is an affectionate person and that she likes having sex this frequently. Of course, I've read that this is one of the aspects in a relationship which changes most often after marriage.


I understand that some of these things change with time -- In fact, it is quite normal to have changes as people adjust to one another. 

Now, I know that what she wants is to get married. She's brought it up several times. It sounds cold, but I realize that there's a good chance that she is acting extra-pleasing toward me in the ways I described above in hope that I will propose to her. Also, she isn't trying to find a new job. Although it *is* difficult to find new employment in such a short time, she is probably choosing this course of action as a way of adding more incentive for us to get married.

So, all things considered, should I marry this girl after being together only two months?


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

hi there===

if you think it could work out, and she feels the same way....why not go for it.

get a pre-nup for 3/4 years. you should protect yourself and any money you have. if she is seriously into this marriage it wont matter.

having a pre-nup for a few years will let you both decide if its true love, or if you shoud just stay friends.

but good luck...sounds like an adventure...but on a side note, marriying so someone can stay in the country is a fedreal offense.


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## farmboy (Jan 27, 2011)

Way too many strings to be attached. You'll want to be married to her for life, have you talked about what you will do in five, ten, or twenty years from now.

Let's look at it in a different way. Are you ready to move to mexico for her and stick with her even though cultural and social norms that you are used to are forever gone?

You better think this out long and hard.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Let her go home for awhile, and if it was meant to be, then it will work itself out. The W and I waited for two years and lived 6,000 miles apart for everything to fall into place, and it did-we have no regrets.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

You want to marry a woman who you have known for only two months?

The title of your post is your answer.


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## arbm (Jan 9, 2011)

I have listned to what you have to say about her and it seems like she ticks the boxes for you... 

My biggest worries for you would be that she is working hard to be what you want her to be in the hopes that you will marry her, i wonder if she will act the same when after your marry..

The above post i dont agree with, people fall in love and "know"when the time is right within a very short period of time... my hubby and i knew in our 3rd month of dating we would get married and 9 months later we were and we have never looked back, we are very much in love and i know we will last....

this is something that only you can decided weather its right or wrong... at the end of the day you are the only person that has to look at yourself in the mirror at the end of the day and be ok with the desisions you made.... sure other people are going to pass judement but in realitly its your life not theirs!!!!!!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Please think with as clear a head as possible. There is a reason you are asking this and writing down all of the positive things, your intuition is telling you not to do it. 

You say you are in love but, love comes after knowing a person and seeing them in different situations. Having shared values, compatible beliefs, shared interest, cultural similarities. Knowing something of their family and friends, and the dynamic that shaped them is also a factor. It takes about 2 years to get to know these things and time to know if these is enough compatibility to form a long-term connection. So how can you love what you do not know? 

Not to be insulting but, I think you are in lust. Lust can turn into to love if all of the other elements are present but more often than not, a commitment made in hasty lust is lamented in cool indifference. Fairy tales romances are just for the movies, they only have 120 mins to complete the story, you are looking at years with this woman. 

Don't do it, let her go back and get to know her long distance if you want but you really do not know who she is. She is on her best behavior because she has a much riding on making you do something foolish. Once she has you secure then the real person will emerge, it may be who you think she is now but, it is unlikely.


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## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

Please also be aware of the cultural differences you will encounter, on one hand it adds intrigue, on the other, you will encounter issues. 

I have several groups of friends, living ex-pat and/or living here with spouses from S. America and Mexico. The last I heard, I believe they have all ended in divorce. An example was one gal from Mex, she found life here to be very lonely, missed her family terribly and really believed living in the US would be like what she had seen on TV.

You are very young and perhaps haven't experienced the very real, sometimes subtle cultural differences. Just something you should consider. 

She is in a vulnerable position - she is not standing on her "own feet" given her circumstances. 

I have seen many MANY couples convince themselves that they were marrying for love...and ignoring the fact that someone happened to just lose a job, or just broke up with another person....everyone convinces themselves that isn't a factor in their decision, but it always comes back to haunt them later. I believe they probably really don't think its a factor at the time, but later they realize it was.

If you are meant to be, you can make it happen...vacation in her home in the next year, have her come for another visit, get her a green card, apply for the citizen lottery! Its a long shot but take some time to try different options, regardless of your cultural differences, you cannot possibly begin to know someone in 2 months.

Marrying this quickly, I have to tell you your chances of being married in 5 yrs are slim to none. Sorry to sound so harsh, but of my ex-pat friends....the only couple still married are us-born living abroad. 

Good luck, Leah


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Once she gets her green card-Adios, Amigo!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

International marriages always have additional stress. Until you've traveled and met her family, I wouldn't do it.


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## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

Thanks for the replies.

I have found and read topics on this forum about marriages across cultures and countries and the difficulties arise as a result. I've also found threads about people who were married after a short time, and these have the same difficulties as one would expect.

Another detail I didn't mention is that my girlfriend is Catholic, while I am not a religious person. While this hasn't raised any issues, I understand that the difference of religious beliefs is often a source of conflict later in life.

I think that you are all correct. Getting married is too risky. In my opinion, it would be okay as long as we didn't have any children for a few years. While getting divorced is always sad, it wouldn't be that bad, as long as children weren't involved. It seems that once you have kids with someone, you are tethered to them forever.

The problem is that an "accident" could happen. We have all heard stories about women who "forget" to take a birth control pill or even puncture holes in condoms. Furthermore, as someone else mentioned, marrying someone solely so they can become a citizen is a crime. My understanding is that it will look very suspicious if no children come from the marriage and the immigration authorities do check up on you later on to see whether you are really together or if it is a scheme to let people into the country.

So my conclusion is, though it's hard to face, that we should go our separate ways when she has to move back. Maybe we can stay in contact as some suggested in this thread and someday it will work out -- I find this pretty doubtful, though.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

AF,
This is quite interesting. I am 21 years into a great marriage. My W is a US citizen however "her" list of positive qualities overlaps 100 percent with the list you included in your initial post. That list is a BIG deal. And it is hard to find women with the "full list". It just is. 

You are definitely thinking about this correctly in that the true "risk" in this type relationship is actually quite low up until the moment she conceives your first child. Prior to that - if she is "acting" now to "catch" you, you can end the marriage and move on. As for the risk of pregnancy, I would simply always wear a condom no matter what and I would keep my condoms in a place such that I was certain to avoid the chance of "tampering". 

As for US immigration - you will have no issues regarding the lack of kids. Their "real" focus is on whether the marriage itself is legit. Do you actually "live" together and are you like husband and wife. 

All that said - if it was me - I would do what Atholk suggested. I would fly home with her and visit her family. I do think it is important to get some "feel" for how she was brought up. That said - barring any major red flags I actually would proceed - though I would do so in the same manner I did with my W. Which means I actually directly discussed what I think makes for a good "husband", a good "wife" and a good marriage. And "nothing" was sacred. 

My W is Catholic - I am not religious. It is part of the reason she is a truly "good" person. And it is part of her:
- Intensely strong commitment to monogamy (life is long - temptation happens - her faith has helped her stay the course)
- Recognition that part of being a good W is being a good sexual partner. That part of a HAPPY monogamous marriage is a sexually active and sexually fun marriage. 

The risk of what I call "deceptive" dating behavior is sadly something you cannot avoid. Many of the sad/miserable men AND women on this board were "tricked" by partners who were nice and loving until they got married or worse - got the full set of kids they wanted from the marriage.

The ONLY red flag I have seen is her lack of actively looking for another job. Without knowing more it is hard to assess how big an issue that is/will be.



AbsolutelyFree said:


> Thanks for the replies.
> 
> I have found and read topics on this forum about marriages across cultures and countries and the difficulties arise as a result. I've also found threads about people who were married after a short time, and these have the same difficulties as one would expect.
> 
> ...


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

I would agree with MEM on flying back with her to experience the family. All I can really say outside of that is just be careful. Your heart seems to be in the right place but just be Cautious.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Your list made me think you should not marry this woman. Not because the traits you listed aren't great, but because someone that's truly, passionately, for-life in love doesn't make a list like that. They speak more passionately and they know all the person's faults and quirks and love them anyway.

You haven't seen her "home base" (family, place of origin, friends, etc) and you can't really know someone until you've seen their "home base" and understood all its goods and bads. Before that, it's all a mirage. 

The fact that she is not looking for work does NOT bode well with me. Desperate people will do desperate things and, not to say that she doesn't have feelings for you, but I would not trust the situation nor her seeming perfection because she's got too much riding on you choosing to marry her. She's on her very best behavior and I'd be shocked if what you see now is what you get later. 



> Maybe we can stay in contact as some suggested in this thread and someday it will work out -- I find this pretty doubtful, though.


Why is it doubtful? If she's truly that great and what you feel between you is 'forever' kind of material, I would think you'd be willing to travel down to Mexico to continue courting her for a year or so. Then marry her once you are satisfied that the love and potential are real. The fact that it would not be worth the work to you tells me this is not the girl for you.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

> So my conclusion is, though it's hard to face, that we should go our separate ways when she has to move back.


Oh, I glazed over that. You've chosen to let go. I think that's wise. Nothing wrong with trying long-distance, but if it's all or nothing, I'd go for nothing on this one.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

How did a woman you just met end up living with you so quickly. I don't know who has the better game you ... or her.

That being said, there have been times in my life in the past that a woman would put out almost every day to keep you interested... that didn't mean that woman was the best for you. IF it was meant to be, it will suffer her move back to Mexico.


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