# messed up



## whererusunlight? (Sep 3, 2011)

After reading some of your posts, I feel that my situation pales in comparison. My relationship was six years. I couldn't fathom the pain with a 33 year long marriage ending. You all are warriors.
I broke down this morning and called her. She surprisingly answered and I started strong and asked about the kids. Ultimately, I broke down and ended sobbing over the phone and pleaing and telling her how much I miss her and the kids. She just said sorry and that she misses me also but she has to do this to find happiness. If someone's unhappy, they can't be in a relationship sort of deal. She also said that I could see the kids on the weekends. 
After messing up and pouring out:scratchhead:, I must say, I felt a tiny bit of relief. I keep seeing everyone say to each other on here, don't let her see that you're hurt. Why do you do that?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear of what transpired.

Listen, youtold her how you feel and that is fine. You are owed that. She was not receptive and basically told you she is done. So my advice is to move forward and don't beg for her back. She already knows you want to reconcile. She knows the way home if she so decides. Right now,t hat's now what she wants. Accept it is over and move on with your life w/o her. Easier said than done, I know.

We tell people not to pursue/chase/beg/plead as a measure to protect themselves from being emotionally beaten down by someone who clearly does not want the relationship anymore. Also, it helps your self-esteem and helps you move onwareds, accept the reality and whatnot.


----------



## phate06 (Sep 7, 2011)

Hi I'm going through a similar situation. Some advice: do the 180 degree divorce buster.

Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

No you'd didn't mess up. But I'm sure you feel messed up! She has clearly done a number on you, but let me offer you some advice from someone still in the house with someone having an affair and doing what you have done on a regular basis. Don't pursue her at all, don't show the pain, and TRY to move past it. This is a game of wits and it is about control, emotional control. The person who is best able to control themselves and get what they need will win this showdown. Right now that is her. You need it to be you. 

Look at it this way. She does still love you and wants to spend time with you, but only on her terms. You giving into your loss and sorrow gives her the ego boost and time she is looking for. If you don't feed that, then she will start to doubt herself, and she will reach out to you. That right there puts you in a position of power and control because you have something she needs. 

I'm not saying to be a ****, but be **** like. Shower your kids with the love and affection they need and be indifferent to her. She is the one who wanted out and you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want you. Period. No one does. The trick your mind is playing is getting you to think of her as she was before this started. She's not that person right now, and that person might not come back. We all have to accept it.

GearHead


----------

