# ex bf, marriage and emotional infidelity



## hekati (Jan 24, 2013)

Thanks to everone for a fruitful discussion.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Let me understand this. You had a bad relationship with your boy friend and broke up. You married your husband but he was only your friend. Now your ex boy friend divorced his poor wife because of you. He needs a new girl, so he got in touch with you. Since you were never sexually attracted to your husband you want to have sex with your ex boyfriend. 

In all of this you don't want to hurt anyone.

Here's the thing, you can't see it but you already did. 

Get divorced and let your poor husband go and find someone who won't lie to him like you. 

Then you and you ex boy friend can have each other. I'm sure you both deserve each other and will be happy for the rest of your lives. 

And everyone can live happily ever after.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

hekati said:


> The question is basically could I try to save marriage or I shouldn’t even try?
> I was in love few years ago, madly in love. *We broke up basically because he didn’t trust me. 1 *He married and I married. My husband is my best friend, we were doing great together. We don’t have children and we don’t have any financial problems. I have a good job. So there are no problems.
> But now my ex wrote me an email. He divorced and that was nasty. Basically his wife was jealous of me and finally of any girl he met. And I don’t want to disclose the details but it was as nasty as could be. Well his wife emailed me several times before trying to figure out if we are still seen each other while we didn’t even correspond by email. *Obviously she was a jealous type. 2 *
> So we start talking and we realize that we are still in love. I realized that I tried to fell in love with my husband but I love in him only features what reminds me my ex.
> I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I would like to stay friends with my husband. I have many male friends that I never had any romantic relations with. The problem is that I want sex with my ex and only with him.


1 - What happened between then and now that caused him to start trusting you?

2 - Did it ever occur to you that maybe she's not 'the jealous type' but that he was giving her reason to doubt his fidelity? I see red flags waving, in just the small post here. 

This whole thing is a big toxic mess, and the person I feel sorry for is your husband. If you want to have sex with other people, do him a favor and let him go, but don't expect to stay friends with him. It doesn't really work that way.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

if you dump your husband for the ex bf, based on what you wrote and why you broke up, your ex bf will probably break up with you again because that's what he does with people he loves. He breaks up with them. He didn't trust you? Did he have a reason not to trust you or is he controlling and jealous? Your ex probably gave his wife good reason to be jealous of you. There is sadness all over this.

Are you saying you never fell in love with your husband? There was never a spark there? Or it was there, but now that the ex is back, you've switched gears?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

hekati said:


> The question is basically could I try to save marriage or I shouldn’t even try?
> I was in love few years ago, madly in love. We broke up basically because he didn’t trust me. He married and I married. My husband is my best friend, we were doing great together. We don’t have children and we don’t have any financial problems. I have a good job. So there are no problems.
> But now my ex wrote me an email. He divorced and that was nasty. Basically his wife was jealous of me and finally of any girl he met. And I don’t want to disclose the details but it was as nasty as could be. Well his wife emailed me several times before trying to figure out if we are still seen each other while we didn’t even correspond by email. Obviously she was a jealous type.
> *So we start talking* and we realize that we are still in love. I realized that I tried to fell in love with my husband but I love in him only features what reminds me my ex.
> I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I would like to stay friends with my husband. I have many male friends that I never had any romantic relations with. The problem is that I want sex with my ex and only with him.


UFB. You should never have been in contact with this guy. If you are for real you certainly know that EXs are off limits.

So yet another argument that having male friends is fine. No big deal. Being in contact with an EX is no big deal. And yeah oh by the way I want to dump my hubbie for my EX. No big deal.

IF you betray your hubbie as you have already decided to do, you should not try to be friends with him because he is your ex lover.

Also we can see why your EXs wife was "the jealous type". She had reason to be.

Good luck, but no you should not keep making the saem bad choices over and over again.

I hope you are pulling our legs with this.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Does your husband have any idea that he was getting into this toxic stew when he married you?

Here's my prediction:

You will dump your H, eviscerating him, and go back to your ex.

Your ex will dump you again and you will beg your H to take you back. You will cry that you simply didn't understand what you had.

Your H will be smart enough to have moved on by then.


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## hekati (Jan 24, 2013)

No sh... LOL the whole thing is toxic. If it wouldn't be there wouldn't be a story at marriage/relations forum.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You told your husband your want to screw your ex boy friend and still be friends with him. How lucky he is to have someone who cares for him as much as you. How nice you are to your lovers keeping them around as friends. 

It's all about you. Selfish.

You haven't a clue. Hopeless.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

hekati,

You're living in a fanatasy world that I call "What Could Have Been" Land

You're romanticizing about your past physical relationship with your ex and just remembering all the good and none of the bad. 

As I read the beginning of your post when you talked about why you and the ex broke up (he didn't trust you) imagine how surprised I was by the end of your post where it became obvious that (judging by the way you're currently treating your husband) you in fact CAN'T be trusted to honor any relationship promised let alone wedding vows. Oh, and make no mistake. You're having an emotional affair already

Regardless of what you do, I suggest you get some serious individual counseling to try and get to the root of your issues


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Hekati, You will tell your H that you are "just not happy" and beg for a divorce. Of course, he will know damn well why you want to leave. Seems that the marriage was just fine...until you found out that your ex was suddenly available.

You'll go back to your ex, he will be waiting with open arms, but soon he will grow bored with you, and he will kick you to the curb.

You will be wondering how everything could go so wrong. Then a little light will blink on, and you will try desperately to get back with your H. Hey, he was a great "Plan B" for you before, so why not again, huh?

He will want nothing to do with you, as he hopefully will have found someone who ISN'T a selfish person who thinks of her happiness and hers alone.

Again, you will be wondering how everything could go so wrong.

Someday, after a succession of losers, drug addicts and perennially unemployed guys have used you up, you will hear a friend or work colleague talk about the wonderful anniversary trip that she and her H are going on.

You will return to your home, close the door behind you and lament that you had a once good, decent husband...

...once.

And only the walls and your 50 smelly cats will hear you.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Assuming this is real, I predict that if the OP gets back together with her Ex, the fairy tale will morph into an ordinary relationship. And when you factor in the idea that this Ex was primarily a long distance relationship, it becomes even more clear that you have no clue who this Ex BF really is. 

Just a hunch, but I doubt the Ex provides you with more happiness than what your husband could provide you with. I hope you realize that your Ex BF will still have bad breath in the morning, his farts will stink every bit as bad as your husbands and he's going to do all of the same "gross" things that men do. Good luck...


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## hekati (Jan 24, 2013)

F-102, you have a vivid imagination LOL. I don’t get jealous about someone anniversary trips. LOL. I usually take my husband to trips when I have time. Sometimes I have too much work on anniversary so I have to postpone the trip LOL. Unfortunately the proposals and projects deadlines don’t wait for your anniversaries, honeymoons etc. I can deal with my friend’s problems. I can help if my friends need help. It doesn’t matter if he would be an ex lover that broke my heart. LOL I don’t need my husband’s money, well I made twice money when we married. He was unemployed many times. Believe me it is not a big deal. The only thing I want for him to be happy. I wanted him to find a job that he would like or I can support him as well, it doesn’t matter for me.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Yes, you can control your feelings. You can start by closing the door on your former boyfriend. You don't think about him, you don't talk to him, you don't fantasize about him. Change your phone number, if necessary, but definitely no more emails or other contact. If he's on Facebook, block him. You are perfectly able to do all of these things. It's a choice.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Clueless!!!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Again, you're not happy only because of the affair you've started. EVERYTHING looks better from the other side of the fence!

You said "If there is not enough money I just work harder" That's a great ethic. You should try applying that same attitude to your marriage. Why aren't you happy in it anymore?

Your ex doesn't love you or he wouldn't have let you go. He's single now and all he wants is another chance to get in your pants.

You said you want your hubby to be happy. Sorry but what it looks like is that you want YOU to be happy and tough sh!t for anyone else who happens to be in the way at the time of your tsunami of selfishness!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You need to read annieash's thread.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

You can absolutely control your feelings. You do that by not allowing an ex to contact you, stay in contact with you, and live in your head full time. You don't spend all day thinking about what could have been with the ex, but what IS with the hubby. You have chosen all of this yourself, and all of your posts make it sound to me like you are looking for justification for destroying your marriage more than anything else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

I just died a little inside while reading this. Someone so entitled... damn I wouldn't want to be in the husbands place.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Look, hekati what do you want us to say to you?

Your situation is fairly common. What you are going through is an emotional affair. Basically everything was pretty fine until you started talking to your ex, you were happy and attracted to your husband. Now you are saying you were only attracted to things about him like your ex. Does your ex own those attributes? Are they patented ? LOL. You're idealizing your ex and devaluing your husband to justify your affair. 

You are saying that you love your husband and also great friends with him. But now that the ex is back, he is suddenly repulsive sexually. Seriously if I had a dime for every BS that hears the "I love you and I'm not in love with you" speech, I would have a LOT of dollars. This condition is caused by heightened dopamine levels, which create an addiction and a sense of high. This will not last forever, however it will be gone once you start seeing your ex as the human being with faults that he is.

Your situation is pretty typical. The solution is pretty typical. If you want to give your marriage even a slightest chance, go "no contact" with him. No phone cals, no texts, no emails, no pictures of him.

Go to a marriage counselor with infidelity experience.

And send your husband to this site, too. Maybe we can give him some help on this too.

If you have no will to work on your marriage, on your vows that you gave to a person you loved and cherished. Then divorce and send your ex husband here so we can help him deal with the aftermath of your infidelity.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I love how you said that your H was perfect...so why do you so desperately want to get away from him?

Then you said that you don't need a husband or lover...yet, you suddenly need your ex-BF.

And then you say what is life worth living? Just to fulfill a marriage contract?

Seriously, how old are you? You have the mentality and maturity level of a rebellious 12-year-old.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

hekati said:


> Ok… How you can control your feelings? And if you manage to control your heart and feelings then does the life worth living? What for? Just to fulfill your marriage contract?
> 
> *Only once you learn control over your feelings and heart(control not suppressing), can you learn true happiness... Does you vows that you gave to someone you loved,adored and cherished mean nothing to you? *
> 
> ...


Get your husband to this site so we can give him some advice.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

F-102 said:


> I love how you said that your H was perfect...so why do you so desperately want to get away from him?
> 
> Then you said that you don't need a husband or lover...yet, you suddenly need your ex-BF.
> 
> ...


She says she has a Ph.D. She must be very intelligent. She's got it all figured out. :rofl:


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Why did you even marry your husband in the 1st place if you weren't in love with him...

He asked and you just said, oh well, got nothing better to do right now, so ok let's get married?

You married your friend, your husband married the love of his life. Sucks to be him getting conned.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

CH said:


> Why did you even marry your husband in the 1st place if you weren't in love with him...
> 
> He asked and you just said, oh well, got nothing better to do right now, so ok let's get married?
> 
> You married your friend, your husband married the love of his life. Sucks to be him getting conned.


I don't think that's the problem, she specifically states that she did think she was in love with her husband. Meaning basically she is in WW fog.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Let me make this clear to you Hekati.

1. Your ex BF is a cheater. He didn't trust you because of projection. Translation. He was cheating so his subconscious questions YOUR fidelity in order to justify his infidelity. He then cheated on his wife, and she got sick of it. That behavior doesn't "just happen"

2. You're a romantic. Not a "la dee da...life is wonderful" romantic. You're an unhealthy romantic. Your someone who, when it comes to relationships, is always thinking something is better or brighter than reality. You're romantically distracted by sparkles. What I mean by that is, your passion for your husband dies down and BAM "look something sparkly" and you get distracted. You don't take a hard look at everything and look at the big picture. You look at Mona Lisa's smile, not the whole picture. You'll end up doing this same thing with your ex-bf

3. What will be different. Do you know the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing but expecting a different result. What is going to be different with your exbf?

I HOPE that if you can't change certain things in order to be a better wife, that you get away from your husband ASAP. Point him here, we can help him.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

The steps you take are very simple. You tell the guy you don't want to speak to him again - that you love your husband and you intend to stay married to him - and then you delete every point of contact he has with you. You close your email account, you change your phone number, you block him on Facebook. You *CHOOSE *your marriage and your husband. If you don't commit to this, then you will not close your ex out. And it will be your choice.


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## hekati (Jan 24, 2013)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> This condition is caused by heightened dopamine levels, which create an addiction and a sense of high. This will not last forever, however it will be gone once you start seeing your ex as the human being with faults that he is.


Yes, I heard that theory that there are some chemicals that our body releases in the process of “love”. I see both of them as humans not as a fairy tale characters. But they both are good looking so that no Hollywood actor could even get close as good. Well, I recently stat think about my relations and I noticed that, instinctively, I am trying to make my husband look like my ex. I want his hair done in the same way. I feel it is unfair and I stop myself from advising him on his look. But them my husband said once that maybe he wants a tattoo I was happy because my ex had tattoos and I thought it is sexy. It is not right. My husband is not my ex. He is a different person and I need to deal with that but I slip all the time. 
And, yes, I feel high with my ex. But why I still have this feeling? All my body responds immediately to him. Why? Years pass and I still have the same response to him. Why don’t I have it to any new guy if it is sex addiction? I have responds to my husband too but it is not as intense. 
Well… if you can control emotions than can you just fall in love with anyone you want? If you cut all the contacts isn’t it an attempt to run away? I mean attempt to close your eyes and pretend that nothing exists?


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

This is the most stupid sh!t i have ever read. And i didnt make it past the first page. 
Not to judge or anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

hekati said:


> I didn’t interfere into my bf’s marriage. His wife found my email in his computer. After brake up I didn’t contact him at all. I was trying to find love again. I thought I am in love with my husband. And I love him as a friend. But I guess it is not enough… I am thinking about divorce also. It is my husband who wants to work it out, he said I am the greatest girl he ever met, others were much worse . I told him about my ex. Not that I really want sex with my ex yet. I guess I don’t have balls for that. I cared about him all that time. We had to work out through his depression because he didn’t expect I would make twice much money than him. I supported all his plans. It is not easy now to say like that “Let’s divorce because I want another men”.
> Well nobody attracts me sexually as strong as my ex. But my husband attracted me and I thought I would never see my ex bf again. Yes, now I realize that I was attracted to my husband mainly because he reminded me my ex. With my ex it was a long distance relations basically, he met a girl next door, I left them alone. Yes, I was focused on my career, but I was looking opportunities to move with him until he met another girl. She is not a good wife. *Sorry, but what she did to him was not what a decent human would do.* I don’t blame her for the lack of trust between us she created because of what she told him. He should have his own brain to think. But I blame her for what she did to him. Well, I guess life is not that perfect as we would like it to be.
> Well, maybe he (my ex) will dump me again. Well, so what. I guess I am not a marriage material. And we deserve each other with my ex bf.
> Well I stayed friends with some of my exes before. Nothing ever happened. Usually it doesn’t matter that he is ex lover. So what? I have another good friend that is my ex lover. He is just a good friend. He helps me, I help him. There is no love anymore and we are fine with it. Friends of opposite sex ofcause are ok. Come on, most of my work colleagues are males, ofcause we are friends.


You ar edoing even worse to your husband. BTW you are already cheating on him, its an emotional affair. If you go to your ex, you have a one out of ten chance odf still being with him in three years. If you stick it out that long you have a one out of ten chance of still being with him at the end of ten years.

There have been many studies on this and the most optimstic shot at a long term relationship for you and the OM is 3 out of 100. Good luck with that. When it falls apart......again...... come back and tell us all about it.

Read this post:

_ Before you decide to leave. Read my story 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let me tell you my story and hope you listen.

Me and my husband were married 16 years. We had 2 boys, 14 and 12. Financially we were good. We bought a fixer upper in a good location, that eventually became a great location. About 4 years into our marriage we came into an inheritance which allowed us to pay off our mortgage and fix up the home. So 4 years into our marriage we were pretty great. My husband had his job and I worked for a graphics design office. Life was good my husband had his hobbies, Elks club, ETC.

Some time over a year ago I felt like I was missing something from our marriage. I felt like I didn't have enough time or attention with my husband. He had his work and other things of interest but I was sort of on the side, or at least that is what I felt. I felt a bit silly complaining about it so I just let it go. It was a mistake.

During that time we ( me and my husband ) went to a neighbors party and I met a friend of a friend. He was nice man he had a business the next town over. We spoke a bit I didn't think much of it. He asked what I did and was interested in some work for his business. I gave him my work number and continued on with the party. 

Two days later I get a call from this man lets call him Jim. Jim wants some work done and we go over some ideas and prices, he then asks for my cell number. At first I was a bit hesitant but I gave it to him. I pretended it was for work, but I knew deep down it wasn't. He was a single man in his mid 40s like myself and my husband.

We began to talk and what started out as a emotional relationship went physical. We only meet a few times before I got caught about 4 or 5 months into it.

Of course my husband was furious with me as it brought up an old incident. When my second son was 6 months old I had an emotional affair via phone and text with a old high school boyfriend that came back to town for a short time. We went to counseling and it worked itself out. I admit it was really foolish and stupid of me. 

But now its different.

We contact a marriage counselor and we started counseling, unfortunately I kept in contact with Jim. You guys call that a fake reconciliation. I just couldn't give him up. I thought I loved him and he told me he loved me. 

I got caught twice during talking to Jim. The 2nd time was the straw that broke the camels back for my husband. I told my husband I was talking to a friend at work named carol who went through this as well, but in reality it was Jim. Understandably my husband blew his top since I was at home talking with Jim when he thought it was Carol. 

All along my husband kept telling me it was a fog that he was reading about here on this site and other place. That I didn't love Jim. Honestly I got a bit offended that he was telling me that I didn't know what love is. I loved my husband when I married him, I love my kids. 

The more he came at me to try to fix it, the more I ran away. I can tell you he honestly became a pest at trying to fix this. But he tried more then I did. But the longer I was there the more he annoyed me. 

I wanted to see Jim but I was stuck here with him. I knew my attitude wasn't the best with him. Anything he asked me would some how set me off.

Me and Jim talked about our future together, how much we loved each other. 

In the end I said those words I keep reading about here all the time. " I love you but I'm not in love with anymore." 

I know it killed my husband I could see it in his face, his whole body. But to me I felt I had to be strong for me and for even my husband. He deserved someone to love him as well. 

Why live this lie anymore I thought. 

Well Divorce isn't easy. I stayed in the extra bedroom as we drew up the paperwork. 

During this time my husband finally just stopped asking me to fix it. At first I was relieved that I didn't have to hear it anymore and I didn't have to keep breaking his heart every time as well. But part of me was a bit agitated that he was over me or was strong enough to fake it at least. I realized that I lost one of my anchors and this was happening. 

Again Jim kept reassuring me being by my side so I was strong.

My husband lost weight from the stress and then began going to the gym to work out. It was a noticeable change. He also seemed to be more in charge or more organized.

Well we signed the papers and he gave some last words expressing how disappointed he was with me. 

I moved into my new apartment and we did the customary every other weekend thing. 

As expected my kids would go over to now my Ex and Jim would come over on Friday, spend the night and we would be together all day Saturday. Basically like a new relationship acting like kids and making "love" all the time and all over the place.

Months went by my Ex meet someone. Fortunately for men in this day in age, Men usually can or do date younger women and of course this women was almost 10 years younger then me. Yes it annoyed me. 

Well reality started setting in about 7 months after I left. There isn't anything particular I can say started it. But I remember one time, one of sons was sick and I can tell that Jim was a bit annoyed that I kept him home and just let my other son go to his dads. He commented why couldn't my Ex handle it. 

It was those sorts of things that made me compare Jim to my EX and since Jim had no children I could see he just couldn't understand the bond between a parent and a child. 

It took about another 2 week before I can only call it the slap of reality set in. Me and Jim fell apart, he moved on. This "Fog" my Ex spoke about started to lift and I started saying what in the world did I do. 

I started reflecting back on the past year I began to cry uncontrollably. The one person in the world that would have done ANYTHING for me and I left him. It was only then did I understand what being married was and what being a family is. I should have done whatever I could to keep my family.

I was ashamed that I didn't see this earlier. That I didn't see that my family was worth more then this. That I was totally selfish. 

My husband kept telling me all of this, but it just sounded all crazy and silly. It just sounded like a man making excuses to get back together. 

Well now that I see and understand, I would see my Ex and I started having feeling for him. But I just didn't have the courage to say anything after all I did to him. How could I, plus he is with someone else now. 

I wait another 2 month its just about 9 1/2 months since I left and I finally convince him to come over to help out with something for the kids. I fix myself up and I pour my heart out to him. Something I never did in my life. I cried, I begged and apologized. 

What came next killed me. He told no, that he was sorry, but he couldn't risk the pain and that if he was going to take a chance of getting hurt it was with this new person in his life. 

He left and I cried for 2 weeks straight. I now knew what I put him through. What he felt those months ago. I wanted to die from the pain. I couldn't believe how I destroyed my family and the only man that loved me and understood me for all my faults and issues.

I went to therapy because I knew I needed the help. 

So today I came here to post this because my therapist felt it would be a way to heal and maybe I feel a bit better knowing I might help someone else out. To tell my story and hope that someone who might be on the fence would make the right choice to save their family.

I was a fool for not seeing this all for what it was. For not seeing that the one man that loved me was right in front of all this time. That I didn't fight for my marriage and my family. That I waited, when I should have ran back to him to tell him sorry. But I let my pride and fear get in my way. Maybe if I went sooner he would have changed his mind. I will never know now. 

Now instead of being with the person I truly love and that loved me. With the father of my children. The person that has been with me through thick and thin. 

Now I will have to compromise and settle for someone else that is not him. Its a harsh and bitter reality. I ruined my kids lives as well. 

So I hope this will help someone out. Today I see that short of some kind of abuse there is nothing worth giving up a family for. 
_


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

hekati said:


> Yes, I heard that theory that there are some chemicals that our body releases in the process of “love”.
> I see both of them as humans not as a fairy tale characters. But they both are good looking so that no Hollywood actor could even get close as good. Well, I recently stat think about my relations and I noticed that, instinctively, I am trying to make my husband look like my ex. I want his hair done in the same way. I feel it is unfair and I stop myself from advising him on his look. But them my husband said once that maybe he wants a tattoo I was happy because my ex had tattoos and I thought it is sexy. It is not right. My husband is not my ex. He is a different person and I need to deal with that but I slip all the time. And, yes, I feel high with my ex. But why I still have this feeling? All my body responds immediately to him. Why? Years pass and I still have the same response to him. Why don’t I have it to any new guy if it is sex addiction? I have responds to my husband too but it is not as intense.
> 
> *It's definitely not sex addiction. It's usually an addiction to a feeling.
> ...


What I have to say to you is this: We cannot force you to do anything, of course. We cannot force you to break it off and go NC. You probably think we are *********s who are trying to stop you from doing the right thing. You have to do what you believe is right in the end.

But know this. Most here have seen a lot of affairs and a lot of reconcilliations. We can predict how this thing will go with the choices you make. You may now believe your situation is unique. But I have to tell you it's not. It's quite typical. Your response to this whole situation also is quite typical.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You sound emotionally immature, self-centered, and entitled. You mentioned before that you are probably not marriage material (probably also inserted a 'LOL' at that point), but you were correct. These ruminations are not those of a mature intellect. Doctoral work hones certain skills, but definitely not all. In your case, you are careless and disrespectful with the serious emotions of other people. You seem not to have learned how to truly respect the feelings of others.

I think you are destined to eviscerate your husband, so you should probably do it and let him get it over with.


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## Polyman (Jan 11, 2013)

CH said:


> Why did you even marry your husband in the 1st place if you weren't in love with him...
> 
> He asked and you just said, oh well, got nothing better to do right now, so ok let's get married?
> 
> You married your friend, your husband married the love of his life. Sucks to be him getting conned.


This is kinda similar of what I'm going thru with my wife. She was my first real love. I was not. We were friends and co workers before getting married. One conversation with OP and an EA got started. She bought a book called "living in limbo". I highly suggest it to you. Look it up now and order it online. You sound like the same type of personality trait as my wife or soon to be ex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hekati (Jan 24, 2013)

del


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

WHO CARES ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN YOUR EX AND HIS WIFE? 

I don't. You need to care about your own damn marriage, and not anybody else's.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

hekati said:


> If you cut all the contacts isn’t it an attempt to run away? I mean attempt to close your eyes and pretend that nothing exists?


No, it's the beginning of you sorting out your head and making a choice. Of course you are in control of your own emotions. I hate this whole romantic novel b.s. about how people are SOOO overcome that they can't control themselves. If you're a fully functioning adult, then you're in control of your thoughts and your behavior.

IMO, you should give your husband a chance to go out and find a decent woman who is a fully grown adult, and who appreciates what she has. You take off with the loser, and see what happens.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

janefw said:


> WHO CARES ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN YOUR EX AND HIS WIFE?
> 
> I don't. You need to care about your own damn marriage, and not anybody else's.


Said it better than I could.
Why are you posting about someone else's marriage? The one you should be focusing on is your own.

(I also fail to see how a man hits his wife, she presses charges, and SHE is the vengeful one, but that whole deal is beside the point).


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## hekati (Jan 24, 2013)

Shadow_Nirvana, Thank you. Actually lot of what you said makes sense to me.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Your husband/best friend doesn't want to lose you and you are the best woman he knows. I suggest sharing the emails between your exbf and you with your husband. That should help him with those rose colored glasses. Then wish him well and let him divorce you so he can eventually find a true woman that will love and honor him. 

As for you and the exbf, best of luck with that.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

I really hope you work on your marriage and try to make it better, instead of wallowing in the past and "what could have been".

But don't forget that this is an affair nonetheless, meaning there are issues that caused a situation like this to happen.

This is why if you are going to stay in your marriage:
-Going No Contact: is essential. Without this required step, n longer effort can be made to save your marriage.
-Marriage counseling: to work on the disconnect that this affair has caused between you and your husband.
-Independent counseling: I have to agree with some of the other posters, there seems to be an emotional immaturity to the way you deal with things. And I definitely don't mean this as an insult, don't get me wrong. There is a huge percentage of people like you, hell I'm too emotionally immature in some aspects. But fact is you have to learn to deal with your issues in a more proper way. 
-Books: About infidelity, surviving after affairs, how to help your betrayed spouse get back on track, how to make your marriage more passionate etc. There are dozens. Some of the other posters may be able to give you some specific advice on this topic.


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## hekati (Jan 24, 2013)

Well… I am immature… but that is what my husband liked about me. He liked how I solve problems. He likes that I don’t see life so serious. I never try to squeeze a blood from a turnip. I don’t try to enforce the vows that someone gives to me in the time he didn’t realize what he is doing. I don’t accept vows especially those nobody can fulfill. I don’t want anyone to step on his heart because of me. Basically if my husband would have to cut his contacts with other woman I would see it as a sign that I am not exciting for him and maybe he should just go ahead with this affair and we’ll see later what is true and what is false. And if I am in love with a man and he is afraid to contact some woman because he thinks she is dangerous than I would like to compete with this woman and see who is more exciting! And if I’ll lose so be it.
As I am reading here it seems me that most of people here are selfish. I also don’t want to insult anyone it is just how it looks from my perspective. They don’t really care about others feelings too they care about what is proper. I give my spouse freedom. If he wants to be a musician and he always wanted to be musician, I have no problem him to quit his job. I can support him. There are no a superman. I can take those responsibilities that I can, that I am good at. We just need to understand what we can and what we can’t, what we can expect and what we can’t expect from other people. 
Well… for me if I would see that my lover is not excited about me as usual already would be a bad sign and it would hurt me. But I prefer to let him go, as I let go my ex, without guilt tricks and without attempts to scare like “you’ll end your live with stinky cats, you’ll die alone, and there would be nobody even to give you a glass of water “. Oh, there is a joke: “ A man stayed in his family all his life in spite of all problems because he was afraid to end up living alone so that even then he’d be dying there would be nobody to give him a glass of water. Now he is dying and thinking – Well here I am dying surrounded with my family and they would give me that damn glass of water… but I am not thirsty.” 
Well, Shadow_Nirvana guessed many things right. One of it was that I did went to work and denial after break up with my ex. It was weird I never felt he lost his love to me. But suddenly he just tried to cut me off his life. Then his future wife started writing me to leave him alone. I was shocked. I had few friends to talk. One of them actually was my ex lover and he lived somewhat about few hours’ drive from my ex and he even offer me to fly to him and he would meet me in airport and we would go together to my ex trying to figure out what happened. And he offered to stay in his house. He was married. And I thought maybe it would be too inconvenient for his family and second the total plan sounded silly. So basically I did not get closure. His future wife wrote that I just want a green card (I told I was on visa) and that is why my ex doesn’t want anything to do with me. I could not grieve. The only thing that kept me alive was work and my responsibilities about the project I was involved and thoughts about my employer that filed a paper for green card that required to show my extraordinary ability and outstanding professional skills and I start thinking that if I let my emotions go it could hurt many people. I guess you’d say that I should have the same attitude to marriage. But from the other side why can’t a couple discuss and find something that would make them happy. Maybe they should try to stay friends and focus on what makes them happy. I see here so many frustrated people and it seems me they just don’t want to get over and be happy, they want to feel like a victim – like “I did everything right, and look what he/she did”. Well so was it worth it? 
Well… what I mean is that all this makes me feel like a robot. I know I should keep my emotions in check for work. But now you say I should control and repress it in my private life. I can’t even have dreams that are not approved. I don’t know maybe you are right.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

LOL


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I'm sure I won't be the last to point out some things but here goes:




hekati said:


> Well… I am immature… but that is what my husband liked about me. He liked how I solve problems. He likes that I don’t see life so serious. I never try to squeeze a blood from a turnip. I don’t try to enforce the vows that someone gives to me in the time he didn’t realize what he is doing. I don’t accept vows especially those nobody can fulfill. *Sorry but you DID accept the vows. Now they just don't suit you. * I don’t want anyone to step on his heart because of me. *But it's OK for you to stomp on his??*Basically if my husband would have to cut his contacts with other woman I would see it as a sign that I am not exciting for him and maybe he should just go ahead with this affair and we’ll see later what is true and what is false. *Hold the phone a second here. I believe YOU are the one having the enotional affair, not your husband. As it's been said here time and time again, if either spouse has an issue with a particular friend (regardless of sex) that person should be sacrificed for the good of the marriage. However, as a general rule, it's probably best not to maintain contact with people you've slept with in the past. *And if I am in love with a man and he is afraid to contact some woman because he thinks she is dangerous than I would like to compete with this woman and see who is more exciting! And if I’ll lose so be it. *Sorry sweetheart but this is called "dating" and it is something that ended when you stood at the altar and spoke your vows.
> *
> As I am reading here it seems me that most of people here are selfish. I also don’t want to insult anyone it is just how it looks from my perspective. They don’t really care about others feelings too they care about what is proper. *WE'RE selfish?? This one is way too easy to go off about and I am not sure I could keep it civil so I'll let it go at that.*I give my spouse freedom. If he wants to be a musician and he always wanted to be musician, I have no problem him to quit his job. I can support him. *So if he wants to stay married to you ans for you to not have contact with your ex, do you support him in that?*There are no a superman. I can take those responsibilities that I can, that I am good at. We just need to understand what we can and what we can’t, what we can expect and what we can’t expect from other people.
> Well… for me if I would see that my lover is not excited about me as usual already would be a bad sign and it would hurt me. But I prefer to let him go, as I let go my ex, without guilt tricks and without attempts to scare like “you’ll end your live with stinky cats, you’ll die alone, and there would be nobody even to give you a glass of water “. Oh, there is a joke: “ A man stayed in his family all his life in spite of all problems because he was afraid to end up living alone so that even then he’d be dying there would be nobody to give him a glass of water. Now he is dying and thinking – Well here I am dying surrounded with my family and they would give me that damn glass of water… but I am not thirsty.”
> ...


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## hekati (Jan 24, 2013)

Toffer, I simply described what I would feel. I don’t fantasize about a young guy in the market. No one attracts me. There are two men that attract me – my husband and my ex they are both my age. LOL I would even leave Bret Pitt to Angelina because he is not that sexy for me to fantasize about.
What happened so far:
I had my ex in my dream, while I was sleeping, not in a day dream. It was freaky because I got sexually aroused
Soon after that (like in a couple days) ex actually contacted me, that was freaky too. I told about him to my husband but I didn’t say anything about my dream. Or should I? 
He told his story, well, he told something romantic as well, that he always was in love with me etc. I told my husband his sad story, that he didn’t find sad, just stupid. I didn’t say anything about romantic stuff he said. But we had a fight with my husband over his story. I felt very sorry about his story and his situation. And my husband thinks he deserves it. 
I feel that I am in love with him too. And I feel trapped in all these emotions. Because I want my husband to be happy and I feel I love my ex and I feel horribly sorry for my ex. It is like my heart is ready to fall apart into two pieces. 
That’s it so far. Sometimes it seems me that actually I am a better fit with my ex because we are both the same immature and childish. He also said that his wife told him that he is emotionally immature. So far I didn’t say anything to my husband to hurt his feelings. I didn’t say anything to my ex, I tried to support him in his situation. He is also a musician. And I gave few likes about his music at the website he is posting it. That caused another fight with my husband who interpret it like I prefer my ex’s music over his. That is not true I always tried to promote his music among my friends as I could. 
Well, and I would be very upset if my lover fantasizes about a young sexy girl in the market. Basically it would be emotional affair too. But it would be nothing I can do about. And most likely I would prefer my husband or my lover just make his fantasy a reality so I will find another fantasy that I will make reality.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

LMFAO! 

No way this thread is for real. No OP could be this vacuuous. Or maybe I'M the naïve one!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> LMFAO!
> 
> No way this thread is for real. No OP could be this vacuuous. Or maybe I'M the naïve one!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


'Vacuous' is a great word for this. I thought about the usage of 'careless' from 'The Great Gatsby':

“They were careless people, Tom and Daisy—they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness, or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made.”

Only in this case, it's a 'she' not a 'they.'


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Get some help

You're all over the place
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

*You just want to get your freak on and make up excuses . Your ex- boyfriend is a cheater who can lie too. You don't really know wtf happen in your ex boyfriend marriage. Why are you friends with your ex boyfriend. You are a married woman looking for some .... to make you happy. This is not love with the ex- it's lust. After you divorce your husband that ex boyfriend is going to get ghost (MIA).*


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Get some help
> 
> You're all over the place
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



:iagree:


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