# Husband changing after new job



## Eamuid (Aug 21, 2015)

I really just need to get things off my chest. My husbands behavior has been off ever since he started his new job. He's been easily irritated and annoyed. Certain times he's unreasonable. I have been nothing but support. I am a stay at home mother to two babies. I wake up with my husband 2 hours before the kids do to make him breakfast before he leaves for work. Certain days I pick his dressier clothes for work. When he is gone, I'm running around the house doing chores. When he gets home, he goes straight to his room to watch tv. When asked if he could stay with one of them while I get some other things done, he says no. Finally when the kids are asleep, I lean in to snuggle a little bit before bed. He says I am bothering him because he has to wake up early tomorrow. In which I replied to him, "as do I." He looks at me and says "well do you have to learn anything?" I am baffled that he compares my work to his like that. I never once undermined his work. I am also mentally and physically exhausted. Only asked for help when I had absolutely no idea how to finish a certain chore. Trust me, if I can get away with everything by myself I would.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

How long has he been at this new job? How long have you been married?


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## Eamuid (Aug 21, 2015)

It's been a little over a month and we have been married for 4 years.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Is this a job he wanted? Is it particularly stressful? Does he like it?


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## Eamuid (Aug 21, 2015)

It's not stressful in my opinion because he doesn't need to bring work home. The fact that he never woke up for work this early makes it a hard job for him. He says he likes it and it will make us a lot of money in the long run.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Not enough info.
Could be his boss.
Could be depression
Could be an affair. NEVER say never. If I had a dollar for every time I heard never here and it turned out...
Could be midlife crisis.
He might just be turning into an ....... Babies are exhausting because they cant be left alone for any period of time.

Best guestimate with little info... ATM most likely scenario seems to me to be is he is being trained and failing at it at some level and getting pressure to perform better at work.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Give him another month or two. Changing jobs can be unbelievably stressful. Add the fact that he has the burden of being the sole economic provider for the family and it's somewhat excusable.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

anonmd said:


> Give him another month or two. Changing jobs can be unbelievably stressful. Add the fact that he has the burden of being the sole economic provider for the family and it's somewhat excusable.


I agree with most of this, except the last part. There is no excuse to treat you poorly just because he is stressed out. 

I would give him some time. I would have a conversation with him to let him know that this new job is a big change and you are trying to be there for him, but also want him to be there for you as well. Both of you are working hard and need to be a team.


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## Eamuid (Aug 21, 2015)

He has been having mood swings. He got upset with me because I told him to stop texting while driving with our kids in the car. He raised his voice at me and told me to stop nagging him. I told him that I'm telling him to stop because I love and care for him and our family. His mother has noticed his behavior changing after this job. He has been sharing less with his mother and I and giving us vague answers. For example, when we ask him what time is his meeting tomorrow, he will say I don't know. What gives? When I did try to bring this to attention, he claims I'm making stuff up just to fight with him. I'm literally sitting there, jaw dropped. How do I deal with this? We have been communicating less and less because he is glued on to his phone. We can't talk without him raising his voice or develop an attitude. Seriously what is going on??? What am I missing here?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

no way to tell yet.
note I am not saying do anything, but IF you get some affair indications...
absolutely do NOT ask him about it. eyes open mouth shut.
not enough to,go on ATM.

most likely is still work trouble.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Who is he texting and why is he glued to his phone?


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

The behavior isnt surprising. You don't have any leverage in the relationship and he doesn't think your contributions are equitable. Its unlikely to get any better because he's already resenting you since he has all the financial burden and you arent someone he can confide in about work stress because you wouldn't understand what he's really dealing with. All you see is that he's making more cash...and all he sees is someone who's got her hand out and is adding to his burden. 

Its not pretty but that's the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

EnigmaGirl said:


> The behavior isnt surprising. You don't have any leverage in the relationship and he doesn't think your contributions are equitable. Its unlikely to get any better because he's already resenting you since he has all the financial burden and you arent someone he can confide in about work stress because you wouldn't understand what he's really dealing with. All you see is that he's making more cash...and all he sees is someone who's got her hand out and is adding to his burden.
> 
> Its not pretty but that's the truth.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wish you would stop with your nasty ass attitude toward SAHMs. You did the same thing to another girl (flipflops) just the other day. If you don't have anything constructive to say without it being nasty....DON'T REPLY. 

Not all people resent the person that stays at home. Her H could just be having issues at work and not talking to her, OR he could be having an affair, OR he is just an *******. You don't know what he's feeling. I mean really, how many times do you need to insult someone before you feel better?

OP, has your H mentioned anything about you staying at home being an issue? Does he want you to work at least part time? You do have to realize that his job does require quite a bit of stress (as does yours, but it's different). He HAS to bring in the money. He HAS to provide. If he doesn't you guys starve or lose your home. His stress levels could be high just from knowing that. Add getting a new job and that's probably going to make him feel pretty grumpy. 

Make sure to take the time to thank him for his efforts in providing for the family. It really is a major responsibility. I think he should spend more time with the kids, but overall the house should be pretty clean and meals should be cooked regularly by you. Your H, the kids and home are your primary responsibility. You, his job and the kids should be his primary responsibilities. 

Look for clues that may indicate he is having an affair. This doesn't mean he is having one, but sudden behavior changes are always red flags. 

Has he been to the dr lately for a check up?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Yes staarz, I've wondered if there's some underlying jealousy or envy there.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> If you don't have anything constructive to say without it being nasty....DON'T REPLY.


There's nothing nasty about what I said. Its the truth. He's exhibiting all the behaviors of someone who doesn't respect the other's contributions.

Relationships are about what both people bring to the table. He clearly doesn't respect what she's bringing and that's the reality of a lot of these types of relationships where one person has all the financial burden.



> Yes staarz, I've wondered if there's some underlying jealousy or envy there.


lol, what on earth is there to be envious of?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I tend to believe that he is under additional stress from the new job. Admittedly, there are some curious aspects to his behavior but it could be nothing. I suggest give it a bit more time and be supportive and observant. If additional "red flags" arise perhaps it would be prudent to investigate further. Also, although I do not know his line of work I can assure you that his job is not as important as yours and he would be significantly more stressed without your support.

If, after a time, his former self does not return, then I would suggest you and he discuss it at length to ascertain the issue.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

EnigmaGirl said:


> There's nothing nasty about what I said. Its the truth. He's exhibiting all the behaviors of someone who doesn't respect the other's contributions.
> 
> Relationships are about what both people bring to the table. He clearly doesn't respect what she's bringing and that's the reality of a lot of these types of relationships where one person has all the financial burden.
> 
> ...


I have no idea if your envious or not, but you have some serious issues. Maybe you're jealous that you had to work? Maybe you wished you could have more time with your own kids? Maybe you are currently paying someone? I have no idea why on earth you would HATE a certain group of people so much. But clearly you don't know what you're talking about. Not every situation is the same. You have done this over and over again on this forum....

EnigmaGirl Said:



> Its unlikely to get any better because he's already *resenting* you since he has all the financial burden and you arent someone he can confide in about work stress because you wouldn't understand what he's really dealing with.


So, you gathered all of that from her OP? I would hope that you're some kind of really good detective or a great fortune teller...because in reality, you have zero clue if that's true.

EnigmaGirl Said:



> *All you see is that he's making more cash...and all he sees is someone who's got her hand out and is adding to his burden*.


And you don't think that is rude? At all? Maybe a little? Maybe you're assuming too much there? Do you think that all SAHPs just sit there with their hands open waiting for payday? You think she only sees her H making more money? Because if that were true, I don't think she would be here trying to get help for their relationship.

And she is a burden? Not his wife? Right? Do I have that right?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

There is not enough information, so it is all guess work. If he is not used to changing jobs, it is difficult to go from being an expert in your niche to the newbie who knows nothing. If he is subject to any further humiliation, he will be angry and embarrassed, in which case he will not be in a good state to see you. It would be understandable if he was feeling his dignity was undermined that he would not want to share it (many women would lose respect).

This is just a possibility, there are many more. Sorry you are having a hard time.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> And you don't think that is rude? At all? Maybe a little? Maybe you're assuming too much there? Do you think that all SAHPs just sit there with their hands open waiting for payday? You think she only sees her H making more money? Because if that were true, I don't think she would be here trying to get help for their relationship.
> 
> And she is a burden? Not his wife? Right? Do I have that right?


lol...relax. You sound pretty angry. 

This thread isn't about me and I stated my opinion in response to the OP's post. She's free to read it or disregard. 

But this won't be the first time or last time that a working person starts to resent the person sitting at home living off of them.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

EnigmaGirl, the OP is not sitting at home, living off of her husband. She's home raising two very young children. She also stated she wakes up every day two hours before her H so that she can cook breakfast for him. (And that she flies around the house all day, doing all the chores she can to keep it going that having those two kids in tow allows.). I assume she is also getting herself ready for the day and finishing chores during these two hours she's up before her husband. That doesn't sound to me like someone who is sitting around, living off of someone. Maybe they mutually decided she should stay at home with the kids. Maybe he's even one of those guys who insisted upon it. We don't know. So we shouldn't just assume the OP is lazy and has no inclination to work outside the home.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

EnigmaGirl said:


> lol...relax. You sound pretty angry.
> 
> This thread isn't about me and I stated my opinion in response to the OP's post. She's free to read it or disregard.
> 
> But this won't be the first time or last time that a working person starts to resent the person sitting at home living off of them.


I am angry. You come on this forum all of the time being rude to SAHMs and stating it as "your opinion". News flash woman, you can give your opinion in a better, more constructive way. Why not try being mature about it? Instead of telling the OP she is a burden to her H, why not give her some advice on how to fix the damn situation, since that's the entire point of this forum? But maybe that's changed recently. 


IF....and that's a big IF (because you don't have a clue as to what he is thinking) he is resenting her, then why not give her some advice? Why do you have to tell her she is a burden? I mean wtf is wrong with you to assume that she is a burden - and even if her H thinks so, who the hell are you to point it out when you don't even know her or her H? You're assuming. 

You could have said:

OP, maybe your H is feeling taken advantage of bringing in the only income. 

OR 

OP, was it a joint decision for you to stay at home? Did you agree to go back to work eventually? Have you spoken to your H about his feelings on you staying at home? 

The list is endless on what you COULD have said. Instead you told a mother of 2 children and a W to a man that is pushing her away, that she is a burden. Go you. Do you feel better now?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

While 21 and EG continue with their bullshyt...I'l tell you whats going on....your old man wants to phuck his new coworker and makes you out to be a POS so he doesn't feel so quilty.

You would think with all this stress or his struggle with the new training he would share this with you and his mom. But he sure as hell isn't going to share his struggle with trying to score with the chick he has been texting all the time ...now is he?

I bet if you got hold of his cell while he was a sleep you would get a lot of answers to all your questions.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> The list is endless on what you COULD have said. Instead you told a mother of 2 children and a W to a man that is pushing her away, that she is a burden. Go you. Do you feel better now?


She clearly has issues. But I do think it's good to warn other SAHMs who post here so that they won't take any of her ignorant comments to heart.

OP, I wonder if someone further up-thread may have been right? Perhaps things are a little tight on the job and he may be fearful that he is not doing well? Can't remember if you addressed that or not. 

I know it's rough, and he shouldn't be treating you like this but maybe just a little bit more time and support will help. Don't know if this was mentioned either, and I realized you are exhausted from being with the kids all day. But maybe you squeeze in an offer of about 40 to an hour of chill time alone for him when he first gets home so that he can de-stress. Sorry if this is a repeat of something someone else said.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

SAHM or not, his behavior is really not very respectful.

He's bringing all sorts of baggage from work into the home. Regardless of the reason for this baggage, it's not ok for him to do.

Texting in the car while driving the kids is NOT OK.
If he thinks you're nagging now because you're worried for their safety, or bugging you because he has too much on his mind, then tell him you're happy to never nag and/or bug him again, because you've filed divorce papers (and do it).

I'm not saying this to be mean and nasty, I'm saying this because he is not taking the matter seriously. It will only get worse as you continue to feel like he is not present in your family's life and that you and your children are a burdensome interference to him. Stressed out working people get this way often. It may in fact not be at all how he views any of you.

I think that sooner rather than later you need to get a babysitter, tell him you're going to have a nice dinner at home, sit him down, and talk this through in very clear words. You need to set the mood that the mental wellbeing of your family comes first above all else, you love and respect him for his hard work, and if there is any way that he can explain his change in behavior you are there for him.

Tell him that you are concerned he is not interested in being a member of this family and that if his behavior continues, you know what to do.

We are expected in this day and age to do everything and have everything. You simply can't... something often has to give. So, either he has to have a conversation with his boss and set limits on when he can be contacted (i.e. when he's done in the office he is OFFLINE) or he finds a less stressful and demanding job that can still help to sustain the family.

ETA: and IF he is cheating (and if he is I hope you're able to find out) then you will have your answer. However, I'd start by giving the benefit of the doubt.


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## Eamuid (Aug 21, 2015)

Thank you for everybody's responses. I will keep you updated.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Still think it points to failing at work but you never know.

Not enough info on red flags. I cannot emphasize enough, even if you get more red flags DO NOT ask him about an affair. Eyes open MOUTH SHUT. "Golly honey this looks suspicious" is the WORST thing you can do.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

EnigmaGirl said:


> lol...relax. You sound pretty angry.
> 
> This thread isn't about me and I stated my opinion in response to the OP's post. She's free to read it or disregard.
> 
> But this won't be the first time or last time that a working person starts to resent the person *sitting at home living off of them*.


You dont even realize what you are typing do you?


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

I really just had to post as almost everything you describe about your husband’s behavior is mirror image to what my husband’s was. He started a new job and his behavior changed almost overnight, he became irritated and annoyed at anything I did, it was like living with a stranger. He blamed it on the new job and I thought things would finally sort themselves. 

He was constantly glued to his phone and would take it everywhere, even to the bathroom. He was texting for most of the time through our vacation, but said it was work. Well it wasn’t, it was another woman. It never crossed my mind ever, not in a million years! I trusted and loved him and I couldn’t believe it. In hindsight, it was all there, all the telltale signs, but I didn’t see them. I’m hoping to god that this isn’t the case with your husband, but don’t rule it out, you need to start checking his phone etc. Good luck with all of this.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Sorry you've dealt with this, too, Jax. My ex - very similar. Behavior changed overnight after he went "back home" to St. Louis for that funeral last September. Glued to his phone, as well, and added a passcode to it when he'd never had one before. It should have been a red flag for me, especially, since he hadn't also changed jobs or something like that he could blame it on. He claimed he didn't want our son using it. Nice.

Hope this isn't the case for you, OP, as well. But the phone thing is concerning.


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## depressedandexhausted (Aug 24, 2015)

Have you thought about trying to find a way to ease his stress a little. Im talking like do something out of the ordinary, something he doesn't expect that he couldn't say no to. Such as his favorite food, if hes into tools get him one. Surprise him with a gift. I hate the idea as to whether or not he is cheating, I choose to avoid that topic until there is more to go on. If you two haven't had any real trust issues, a stressful change in life is not the time to start thinking about them, could make it worse. Good luck. 

Oh, and I just joined this forum and I have to say it is very helpful and has a ton of intelligent people. 

also...
Maybe a simple, thoughtful letter on what you have been noticing and why your worried, maybe post it here so a few people can help you make sure nothing is said that shouldn't be.

Oh, maybe this is overstepping, but when I got promoted in the military and started going through a ton of stress with multiple additions of responsibility. One guy would never take showers...anyways.. I brought it home, wife hated it. We made some pretty heavy noises in the bedroom that weekend. I felt better going to work that monday.

But like i said I am new here, and if any of this advice sounds out of wack it probobly is. I am going through a rough time. Take care and good luck.


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## Jeffyboy (Apr 7, 2015)

Never underestimate the impact a job can have on a man's psyche. It may just be trying to learn the curve but if it continues, it may be prudent to look for another job that won't affect his as much.


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## minebeloved (Nov 7, 2013)

go though his phone


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