# Losing Hope



## LostHope33 (Jan 23, 2015)

I'm not sure where to begin. I am 33, my husband is 35. We have been together for 9 years, married for 2. We have no children together but he has a 14 year old son. To start, I am currently staying at my mom's for reasons of being unhappy at home. I felt like I needed to get away before I had a breakdown, I constantly had his voice in my head - telling me to do this, and do that, I couldn't relax! My friends even said I looked stressed all the time. Prior to that I had left for a week because of physical and verbal abuse, right before Christmas. He has a very short temper, has an addiction to marijuana that he claims he can't quit, but also uses his business as an excuse of well I make money I should be able to spend it on what I want. I know there will be some that will ask why I've stayed this long with the physical/verbal and mental abuse, honestly, I'm not sure, I love him and thought he loved me but this clearly isn't love...

I work a full time job and have an important position that I play while at work, do all of the house hold duties (cleaning, cooking, bills etc) run errands, pick up his son from school/his moms/his friends. I would like to think for the most part I'm a great wife. He has a business - but doesn't understand that businesses aren't run by 1 person 24 hours a day. I feel unimportant and have been for a while. He might come home from work at a decent hour 2 days a week. After he gets home, it's shower time when he says, he then proceeds to post his work on social media as if that's more important than spending time with his me. He believes that messages people send him on facebook need to be answered ASAP! It's impossible to watch any kind of tv show or movie (one that he wants to watch or he'll make me change the channel) while he's doing this without having to pause, rewind because he isn't paying attention, or try to talk to him because if you break his train of thought as he's replying, that will start an argument. 

I feel like the addiction he has makes him have a sense of bi-polar disorder. It has been years since I looked forward to going anywhere with him. Normal time frame for him is 2-3 hours max without smoking or he's a complete pain. Complains about everything, everything then turns into being my fault and an argument ensues. At home, it's mainly doing what he wants. When doing things at home, if it's not the way he would do it, it's wrong. I'm told I'm stupid, an idiot, a *****, broken, weird etc on a regular basis. He expects me to be able to help him without knowing he needs help. Last I checked, I'm not a mind reader. 

We have a pretty non existent sex life. This stemming from the ways I'm treated, but then again being called a ***** and broken and weird aren't really panty droppers for me. When I try to talk to him about how I'm feeling, it usually turns into an agrument. He wont listen to how I feel without thinking I'm complaining. He's made comments about me not knowing how to have sex and that's why we don't have a sex life. Trying to talk to him about how I feel ends up turning into a blame game on me and how it's because of what I'm doing. 

I feel more like an employee than a wife. I feel like the only time he gives me any kind of attention is when he either needs something, or has something negative to say about me or something I've done. He's fought with me over which drawers his clothes go in once washed, how I made the bed because it didn't look like the picture on the bedding package when we bought it....

He's tried to quit smoking before, and always goes back, lies to me about it and I eventually find out. On my birthday he went out with his friends, and didn't get back in time and missed my family dinner. He can always find time to hang out with his friends but can't and won't make time to spend time with me or take me on a date or to see a movie.

I thought by me leaving would at least have him realize that he does still love me and see how he's been treating me. After speaking on the phone the other day, he stated " What am I supposed to be learning from this? Cause all I'm figuring out is that I don't need you." And made a comment somewhere along the lines of " I don't think I've loved you like girls from my past" and that was like a dagger in my heart. Even after all of the hell I've been through being with him, it's weird that I still love him and would try to make things work but I'm not even sure anymore...

I'm pretty much at a loss right now. I'm not sure what to do, if this marriage is something I want to continue to try to fix, or if I need to walk away for my own happiness and well being. 

I'm open to all advice....Thank you.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

LostHope33 said:


> he stated " What am I supposed to be learning from this? Cause all I'm figuring out is that I don't need you."


Call his bluff. Deliver him divorce papers. If it isn't a bluff, it's over anyhow.



LostHope33 said:


> I am 33,



You're young. No kids together. You are a the luckiest human being on the planet. Take this gift and find someone who will treat you right.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why did you marry someone like this in the first place? 

C


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## LostHope33 (Jan 23, 2015)

I'm not even sure to tell the truth, looking back I feel almost as if getting married was forced, it was an argument to pick a date and that I wasn't doing it soon enough....we took a cruise to get married, none of my family or friends were there, it was just all bad and wrong...


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## LostHope33 (Jan 23, 2015)

Even tonight when he tried to call and I was busy at the store with my mom who needs me to help her read things, I told him I'd call him back when we got home, and he started cussing at me because I was predisposed and couldn't give him 100% of my attention...:-|


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Stay at your mom's.

Start moving your stuff out.

You've forgotten what it's like to be happy and your deteriorating shìtpile of a marriage has become your 'normal'.

Seems he wants some kinda slave/housekeeper rather than a wife. It's all about him and his needs while yours aren't even a consideration.

Don't even waste your breath on him,, much less any kind of effort. He's drained you like a battery while providing no charge.

Cut him off. Limit any communication to the practicalities of shipping out. He'll either be glad or, more likely, when he realises you're serious the bleating promises to change will begin. From a distance, you'll soon see how pathetic he is which'll bolster your resolve.

No kids to keep you there (thankfully). All you have to do is convince yourself you deserve MUCH better.

Like most people trapped in an abusive or dead-end relationship,, you're like that frog in boiling water anecdote,, failing to react to a deteriorating environment.

Finally, you HAVE reacted. Part 1 of the difficult bit accomplished,, you've moved out. Part 2,, make the decision not to go back.

It's difficult to figure out from your posts how much of his disdain is genuine and how much is his unique brand of manipulation. It only matters in so far as figuring out how he'll react.

I suspect he'll start with anger and emotional bullying since that seems to have largely worked for him until very recently. Thereafter,, if the disdain is genuine he might let you go easily. More likely, he'll miss his slave girl and there'll be a brief period of verbal promises to change, apologies and faux contrition. Don't fall for it because he won't sustain it for long.

Be aware - while it's been around since the dawn of time, the media seem to have suddenly woken up to the existance of "break-up violence". Statistically, it's the most dangerous time for departing wives and girlfriends.

Past violence (or lack of it) is only a rough guide to potential threat. Even formerly docile partners can kick off when confronted with the 'ultimate rejection'. The key ingredient is the self-centred personality. If you endure the verbal abuse for an occasional "I love you." they have no reason to upscale. When you take control and leave they'll change tactics to get the control back.

So, be aware of the signs, tactics and possibilities and don't hesitate to get restraining/no-contact orders if necessary.

Stay at your mom's and observe his manipulative tactics from a distance. That'll help you see him for what he is and hasten your resolve and recovery.

Rediscover yourself, your own needs and boundaries.

Returning to him will only result in deteriorating misery. Make the decision that you're gone for good and give yourself a realistic chance of happiness. You won't find it being a dìckhead's doormat.

DO IT!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

Women's shelters offer programs to women who suffer from domestic violence.

Block this man from all social media, block him on yours and family members cell phones and land lines.

Start going to the programs, start seeing an IC and stay away from this man. 

If he manages to contact you, tell him that he is to stop contacting you or you will get a restraining order.

If he contacts you again, get a restraining order.

Make sure everyone in your family knows what an abuser he is and ask them to respect your wishes to not engage with him.

File for divorce.

Or go back and be his punching bag until you end up in a body bag.

Your choice.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LostHope33 said:


> I was busy at the store with my mom who needs me to help her read things, I told him I'd call him back when we got home, and he started cussing at me because I was predisposed and couldn't give him 100% of my attention...:-|


'nuf said.

Dump the jerk.

And read this book asap.


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## LostHope33 (Jan 23, 2015)

Ok, it's been about a week since my initial post. Nothing has really changed. His attempt to communicate with me has ceased unless he's asking me to help him do something. I saw comments on an Instagram picture that he left for a model that did a shoot at his shop where he was telling her how beautiful she was. When I text him about it, he asked who's beautiful? So I sent him the screen shot with his comment to which his reply was ok =) 
That was it...no explanation. He is now trying to blame me for our situation, because I left. 

I did print out the papers today and everything is set to be filed. I feel like I'm constantly fighting a losing battle with him, one way or another it's my fault...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It always will be. Because he has no humility.

That's why you're divorcing.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

LostHope33 said:


> I'm not sure where to begin. I am 33, my husband is 35. We have been together for 9 years, married for 2. We have no children together but he has a 14 year old son. To start, I am currently staying at my mom's for reasons of being unhappy at home. I felt like I needed to get away before I had a breakdown, I constantly had his voice in my head - telling me to do this, and do that, I couldn't relax! My friends even said I looked stressed all the time. Prior to that I had left for a week because of physical and verbal abuse, right before Christmas. He has a very short temper, has an addiction to marijuana that he claims he can't quit, but also uses his business as an excuse of well I make money I should be able to spend it on what I want. I know there will be some that will ask why I've stayed this long with the physical/verbal and mental abuse, honestly, I'm not sure, I love him and thought he loved me but this clearly isn't love...
> 
> I work a full time job and have an important position that I play while at work, do all of the house hold duties (cleaning, cooking, bills etc) run errands, pick up his son from school/his moms/his friends. I would like to think for the most part I'm a great wife. He has a business - but doesn't understand that businesses aren't run by 1 person 24 hours a day. I feel unimportant and have been for a while. He might come home from work at a decent hour 2 days a week. After he gets home, it's shower time when he says, he then proceeds to post his work on social media as if that's more important than spending time with his me. He believes that messages people send him on facebook need to be answered ASAP! It's impossible to watch any kind of tv show or movie (one that he wants to watch or he'll make me change the channel) while he's doing this without having to pause, rewind because he isn't paying attention, or try to talk to him because if you break his train of thought as he's replying, that will start an argument.
> 
> ...


One thing I have learned from my own experiences is: Love has conditions. When we say “I love him”, we need to remind ourselves that love has conditions. It is conditional upon him treating you right and respecting you, first of all. If you are living with a man who persistently rips away your dignity and self-respect, and you feel unhappy because of it (as you should), then you should not be with him. 

Remind yourself: love has conditions. Just like employment has conditions. If he is treating you like an employee, treat him like an employer. Would you stay at a company where your boss calls you names and physically hurts you? I sure hope not.

Think with your brain rather than your heart, for this one. You deserve to be happy, healthy and at peace. Decide for yourself how you can get those three things.


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