# Advice for a newlywed w/ husband who lied about where he was



## erp1212 (Dec 14, 2017)

I got married almost 4 months ago now, and my husband betrayed my trust, and I really dont know what to do.

Everything was pretty great up until about a month before we got married. About a month before we got married, I noticed that he was texting his female coworker a lot, sometimes over the course of several hours, while he was at home, and we were together. I started getting a little suspicious so i would look at his phone and see the messages. There were hours long conversations, and the same kinds of things that him and i would talk about, sometimes it seemed a little flirtatious, definitely inappropriate for someone who was about to get married. When I would confront him about it he would say they are just friends, but I noticed that he would delete his text messages, and eventually, he started lying to me about his conversations with her. Despite me asking to him to take it down a notch with this girl, he didn't.

Fast forward to after we got married..The day before Thanksgiving, I wasn't sure where he was. He said he was at work very late, but I found that very hard to believe. I eventually found out that he spent the entire day with this coworker. They left work early, he walked with her to pick up x-rays from the doctor, they had drinks and dinner for 2 hours, and then worst of all he went back to her apartment. The entire time I was asking him where he was and he was telling me he was working late. I knew exactly where he was because I looked at his bank account and saw that he spent a ton of money at a restaurant. Then from an Uber receipt I saw that he took a cab home from her apartment. When he got home I confronted him about it and he just lied to my face over and over. Eventually he finally admitted it and said he was really sorry. He insisted they just got drinks and nothing happened when he went back to her apartment and that he felt terrible about it. I obviously got very very upset, and I asked him to stop what he's doing with this girl. He says everything between them is just friendship and completely innocent, but how can I believe him? He lies to my face. After talking through things, I decided to try to move on, but it's been very hard.

I still occasionally look at his phone and he still texts her A LOT. Of course he deletes all of his text messages so I don't get to see the majority of them. I'm at a complete loss for what to do. Our relationship was so great before this all happened, and when we aren't arguing about this or when I'm not thinking about it, things are great. But now I can't stop thinking about it, I can't tell when he's telling me the truth or lying, and I HATE when he goes out after work with coworkers because I know she's there, and I jsut feel like there is something between them. 

It has really affected our relationship. He seems to get annoyed because I bring it up a lot, but he knows it makes me upset, yet he won't stop talking to her outside of work. I want to move on, but i really don't know how when he hasn't made any changes to the situation. But I don't want to split up, we JUST got married, and I was so excited to be married and I think things could be great, if he just stopped communicating with his coworker. But he won't...I don't know what to do :-(. 

Could use some advice.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

First off I would def think something is going on or why delete the messages, leave them to prove to you. Humm that's not right. It sounds to me if you are wanting to make it work that he needs to make a quick decision, if not you will have to make it for him. I would think that if he loves you and wants to work things out he would stop cold talking, texting and communicating with her outside of any work related conversations. Since he has lied once, I would say the leash is short, I sure wouldn't give him time to stumble around and prolong saying ok I will fix it and not talk to her etc and keep on. If he isn't sure maybe separate for awhile to show him you are serious or look into counselling. 
Can I ask you how your sex life has been? Or has it changed?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Did he tell you WHY he went to her apartment?

I mean, c'mon ... they spent the day together and then several hours having dinner. After all that friendly togetherness he went to her apartment. Just for friendship's sake, right?

He's lying to your face. He deletes the text messages. You don't want him doing this, but he continues.

See what I'm suggesting here? I don't think he was in another woman's apartment just to have a chat.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

After giving this a good 2 minutes of careful thought, I have one word for you. I mean it. I can give you pages of reasons. 

DIVORCE him. DO IT. DON'T wait. DON'T give in to his begging if he does (he won't, most likely, unless she is married)
Expose him to his gf's husband if she has one, only because he deserves to know.

The obvious: THey made love for hours at her apartment, and you're ignoring the facts if you think it's not the case.
Your husband is a proven cheater and a liar. 
You have no kids with him. DO NOT have kids with him under any circumstance.

What you're experiencing is very painful. You will just endure years of constant pain and regret if you stay. I'm sorry. 
Once again, I tell you with full confidence: DIVORCE HIS SORRY ASS.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

https://genius.com/Riskay-smell-yo-****-lyrics 

Just sayin' that maybe it's time to investigate a little closer...


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

If my girl did this, her crap would be on the lawn when she got home. I can put up with a lot of B.S. and human failures (I for sure have), but this crosses the line. 

Is she married or single? Can you access his cell phone bill? Or is it all iMSg on iPhones? 

You could always get his phone for a few hours and use Dr Fone to recover his deleted texts. This might give you the evidence you need to divorce. I get it, you just had a big wedding probably and don't want to disappoint OTHER PEOPLE. Maybe you bought a house or an expensive car. You feel a little trapped? So you are putting up with more B.S. than you would normally. You shouldn't. What he is doing is cheating. It's for sure an Emotional Affair, probably a Physical Affair. 

You need to stop being scared of losing your "husband" and get MAD. Call her in front of him and confront. Is it a company phone? If not, destroy it in front of him. You need to blow this up. Go crazy.

How long were you dating before the marriage?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

erp1212 said:


> how can I believe him? He lies to my face. After talking through things, I decided to try to move on, but it's been very hard.


First of all, you can't believe him. You couldn't possibly have any clearer evidence that he is not someone you can believe. 

You decided to try to move on because you just got married and are not nearly ready to accept that you made a big mistake by marrying him. I can understand why you would desperately try to move on and forget about it. Many of us unfortunately have also wanted to make excuses for our spouses or partners and tried our best to sweep things under a rug. That, however, only temporarily lessons the stress. It will take some time for you to accept this new reality, but eventually you're going to (hopefully) end your marriage to a liar and a cheater.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> After giving this a good 2 minutes of careful thought, I have one word for you. I mean it. I can give you pages of reasons.
> 
> DIVORCE him. DO IT. DON'T wait. DON'T give in to his begging if he does (he won't, most likely, unless she is married)
> Expose him to his gf's husband if she has one, only because he deserves to know.
> ...


I hate to say it but I agree with the message in this post. Divorce him. Now.

What I do not agree with is that they made love for hours at her apartment. This you do not know for certain. What they did was spend the day together living life and going on a date. They ran errands, they went out to dinner.

It simply DOES NOT matter if he made love to her. Your husband, 4 months into the marriage - is a skilled and cool liar. You can not, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you love him, no matter what you do, you can NOT build a life with a person like this. You would spend all of your days wondering, fighting, trying, etc and in the end you can not win. A good friend once told me, "If you have to fight to get to the truth with your spouse, you have already lost the battle and the war."

He married you. He stood up and took the vows. He said the vows in front of your parents and friends. And he did that knowing he was pursuing another woman. He lied to your face when you had proof he was lying. This is a wound that can not be healed and this man is not husband material.

Divorce him. Get an annulment. Walk away. Never speak to him again. Seriously, make you plans to move out and when you do, refuse to speak to him. Cut him off cold turkey. That is the kindest thing you can do for yourself. He does not get to know where you are or what you are doing or where you are living. He speaks to your lawyer only. 

Chalk it up to a lesson learned in life. Move away. Go enjoy your life. You only have one life. You gave it to someone who spit on it. Get it back and go.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Sorry this is happening OP. Your heart knows what’s going on. Take a stand now and scare the crap out of him. He has to realize he will lose you over this. Get angry, he needs to fear losing you. If he doesn’t fear losing you, then he is not into this marriage.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

He has no reason to stop because you have not given him a reason to stop.

You are still with him.

A hard line in the sand is required.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

NickyT said:


> I hate to say it but I agree with the message in this post. Divorce him. Now.
> 
> What I do not agree with is that they made love for hours at her apartment. This you do not know for certain. What they did was spend the day together living life and going on a date. They ran errands, they went out to dinner.
> 
> ...


I totally agree with all this, with one caveat--- the chance they didn't have crazy bunny sex is less than getting hit in the head with a meteor while walking down the sidewalk. But I agree--- it DOES NOT MATTER. What he did was unforgivable, especially since he shows ZERO remorse.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I read stories like this all the time, everyone who has been on this site has. The one thing that is obvious in YOUR story, OP, is that your cheating husband doesn't even have enough remorse to stop the cheating right in your face, nor the remorse to stop the affair, nor the remorse to apologize for such a vile betrayal to his own wife.

I know what I'm asking you to do is hard. I know it's soul crushing. I know it's going to cause you severe agony for months. I have BEEN there. What I'm telling you is that if you stay with this man, no matter what, IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. How do I KNOW this? Because people follow patterns far more closely than you think. Their behavior is FAR more predictable than you can imagine. Your husband is a remorseless cheater. And THOSE are serial cheaters. They are broken people. Don't let this man ruin your life. I know how hard my advice is to take. You came here looking for a recipe for fixing your broken husband, for a way out of this sea of heartache you are going through that quickly heals you--- to feel safe with your husband again. I'm telling you that there is NO EASY WAY out. But the way that causes the least amount of pain for you is DIVORCE. You can always stop the process, although I'd ask you not to consider that no matter what in this case. You can always remarry the guy (I wouldn't). But if you don't at least file, I can honestly say that I KNOW you are causing yourself undue pain and suffering. It's your life. I'm sorry you're here. VERY sorry.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would give him the choice, you or her. If he chooses you then make sure that he leaves that place of work and gives you full access to his phone and computer. 
Having said that, do you really want to spend your life with a man who lies, cheats, deceives and who cares nothing about what you feel or think? Is that the man who you want as a father to your children?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Three word answer:

DIVORCE or ANNULMENT.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He didn't lie about where he was. He lied about everything. He slept with that woman. OF COURSE, he slept with her. 
Do you really think they went back to her apartment to talk? They could have done that anywhere. They went there to have sex.

Who cares? The fact is, you are playing second fiddle to another woman and you should be in the honeymoon stage of your marriage.

Tell this guy to GTFO. Please. Get freaking angry.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

It has been 4 months. The two of you should still be in the honeymoon stage. If he is doing this to you now, then it will not be anything but worse in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years.

Get an annulment while you still can, if it possible where you live. If you can't get an annulment, then get a divorce.

When you have children together and have all your financial and physical assets tied up together it will be immensely more difficult all the way around to extricate yourself from him and the pain he causes.

I'm sorry for your pain. It will be less over your lifetime if you divorce him now and get him out of your life.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> I totally agree with all this, with one caveat--- the chance they didn't have crazy bunny sex is less than getting hit in the head with a meteor while walking down the sidewalk. But I agree--- it DOES NOT MATTER. What he did was unforgivable, especially since he shows ZERO remorse.


If OP's husband is like most cheaters, he will try to make her think she is crazy. The sex, while you and I both know it probably happened and that was not the first time, can not be proven. If she can't prove it, he will try to weasel out of it by making her doubt herself. Many of us have been there. She needs to stick with what she knows is fact, though I encourage her to not bother arguing, confronting or trying to prove anything. IMO, when he stood in front of everyone and took those vows while he was either pursuing or boinking another woman he lost any right to an explanation from her about why she is leaving or where she is going.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I would divorce, he is flat out lying to you.

He cares more about her than you or he would stop being with and talking to her, knowing how you feel.

I would cut my losses and move on, get yourself tested for STD's while your at it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Do you want the rest of your life to play out the way it has recently? If you don't, get out now.


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