# He cheated while I was pregnant with twins - advice needed!



## Autumn3232 (Oct 25, 2012)

Hi All,

I am new here and would love some advice on what to do next. A few weeks after my twins were born I learned my husband was having an emotional affair that turned physical for the past four or so months with a co-worker at equal levels (so during and after my pregnancy). I learned of the affair through emails and only then did he admit to it. He initially told me he wanted to work on the marriage and go to counseling, which we did, but the entire time time he was still seeing the other woman. During this time I was grabby and trying to work on the marriage since I was faced with two premature twins and working full time, in hind sight, I should have kicked him out the minute he didn't honor his end of the deal. We went round and round for the next month of him not being sure what he wants, he says he fell out of love with me and have a deep connection to the other woman. He has continued to have contact with her to this day. He calls her at least ten times a day like he is addicted. She is 10 years older than me and not as attractive by any means, she is also married with pre-teen girls. I finally kicked him out this week so I believe he is staying at a hotel for now. I told him that if he no longer wanted this marriage that I needed to move on. I did contact her husband a few weeks ago and he decided not to tell his wife that he knows and instead work on their marriage, he does not want a divorce. They have been married 19 years. He regularly calls me to check in. He is a very nice man and I feel bad this is happening to their family also. So now I am working full time, taking care of 3 month old twins which I love dearly and not sure what to do. He continues to have the affair. Any advice would be very helpful.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sorry friend.
Please let met tell, just one time, your husband is scum.


> Any advice would be very helpful.


 File for divorce, expose him to every single person he feels respect, family, mutual friends, ILs. Go dark on him.


Do you have any support in real life, family, friends?
Please, take care of you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you told his parents and his siblings yet? Do it tonight, if not. That's the first step.


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## Autumn3232 (Oct 25, 2012)

I'm not sure I am ready to file for divorce yet. Yes, I am starting to think he is scum. He even brought her up to the NICU when our babies were in it right after they were born (I was not aware of the affair at the time).

His parents know, but he has bad mouthed me so much (justifying his actions) that I don't know what they think. His brother doesn't know yet. I think he would be pretty pissed if I told him.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Autumn3232,

Congratulations on the twins!

I am so sorry you are here.... Being cheated on is hard enough, but while pregnant with twins is unfathomable. 

:smthumbup: bravo for kicking him out. This proves you will not put up with his cake eating while you are struggling in limbo land. Do not let him move back in until he offers transparency and accountability for his actions. Do not listen to his lies. Make him prove himself to you by his actions. Him communicating with her proves he is not willing to end it. I strongly recommend you do a hard 180. 

The OW's husband is rug-sweeping the affair and I would not recommend you talk to him anymore. He is not helping you end this affair. He is not willing to confront his wife or take action. He is not helping you, only getting info from you. If I were you I would threaten to get her fired

Please realize your husband is in a fog. Right now, the OW is his drug of choice. To save this marriage he needs to send a No Contact letter and quit his job. He can never see or talk to this 
woman again. Otherwise, you will be in false R.


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## Autumn3232 (Oct 25, 2012)

Do guys like this snap out of it?


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## Autumn3232 (Oct 25, 2012)

Thanks Silverlining! What is a hard 180? When and how do these guys get out of the fog? I feel like I am married to another person and am starting to wonder who the hell he is?! We have been together for 5 years. I am just hoping he isn't a downright bad person since I have to deal with him for the remainder of my life.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Congratulations on the arrival of your babies... i just can't imagine how busy twins must make you...never mind holding down a job as well. Amazing what folk can do when they have no choice 

I feel so sad for you in regards your marriage though...your h is just scummy. What he did and continues to do is just the lowest thing a man can do to his wife.

You and your babes deserve better. I hope you have support...if not please do seek it out.

I see no reason for you to stay married to him.... do you?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I'd let him back in the house, so he can change some diapers and take a turn at feedings! Honestly, I wouldn't want him to not bond with the kids. That would be number 1 issue. The rest, well, you need some time for yourself to think about what you want to do, and being able to see what he's doing close up rather than him in a hotel is going to give you the info you need, either way. Plus you want to conserve funds, in case you divorce he will need that cash for you and the kids, not the hotel and the meals out. Why reward him with a room of his own and sleeping all night. It just feeds into an escape from reality for him, having his lala land and making the other woman feel guilty and then they have a place to have their trysts. I'm sure your house has more than one place for an adult to sleep at night.


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## Autumn3232 (Oct 25, 2012)

I love the man I married - and the person before this affair started. I keep thinking he has lost his mind. Is that possible to be such an a*s during an affair only? Or is he really just an a*s?


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## Autumn3232 (Oct 25, 2012)

Homemaker - you would have him come home? I thought it was better to do tough love (show him what he is missing)? And I have to respect myself and not live with a man who is having an affair. Thoughts?


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

180 is a process for you. I believe info is in the newbies section.
You need to detach from him. Treat him with indifference. Only speak with him if it's about the twins. No other communication. It's also called going dark. 

i'd recommend you go nuclear exposure on his Azz. Let everyone at their work know she is a home-wrecker


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

You did the right thing in kicking him out. Your husband has no remorse for his actions. At the moment, he only cares about himself. This other lady is just an object to him, for his sexual needs to be met.

I don't think he ever truly loved you, because he would have not treated you so shallowly as he has. I think the fact that you blimped up (for a lack of better words) was a turn off to him and probably the lack of sex was just icing on the cake.

By your husband having an affair, it tells me that he prizes and cares more about his sexual fulfillment than he does about honor, dignity, integrity, morals, oath, respect, etc. He didn't fall out of love with you, because he probably never had it to begin with. I am sorry, but perfect love in marriage is forever...you don't check out on your love, just because certain needs are not being met. Love does not demand, nor does it take into account the wrongs that have been suffered. Love never fails!

I also think your husband does not care for responsibility of a family. My father left my mom early on because he didn't want to be tied down. He just wanted to fool around and live those college glory days all over again. He took off from my family for 13 years and tried to buy my love after that time.

I say, if your husband is ever sincere about his marriage and family, let him prove it! If you are willing in the future and he can prove his loyalty once again, his integrity, his honor, his devotional to you, his respect, etc. than give a chance and forgive him. In fact, I would encourage you to forgive him regardless, because a lack of forgiveness in your life will be a weight to the depths of your soul. It will eat away at you like cancer and you wonder the rest of your life why he would do such a thing and you will remain bitter. Don't give him that chance to destroy you in that regards.

One day at a time...one day at a time. Be strong!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Autumn3232 said:


> I'm not sure I am ready to file for divorce yet. Yes, I am starting to think he is scum. He even brought her up to the NICU when our babies were in it right after they were born (I was not aware of the affair at the time).
> 
> His parents know, but he has bad mouthed me so much (justifying his actions) that I don't know what they think. His brother doesn't know yet. I think he would be pretty pissed if I told him.


Good! He SHOULD be pissed, and your H NEEDS TO SEE HIS BROTHER PISSED at him.

That is the ONLY way he will ever wake up to what he has done - to see the shame in his 'important people's' faces.

Call him right now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And did you PERSONALLY tell his parents that he's been cheating on you, or did he tell you they know?


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## Autumn3232 (Oct 25, 2012)

I told his mom, he told his dad. He has really been bad mouthing me, saying I drove him to the affair (which is a bunch of you know what). There are always things a person can do better in a marriage, myself included, but overall we had a good marriage. He is just justifying his actions. But blood is thicker than water and I am worried they will take his side.

forevermemorable - I should have been clearer, this is mostly an emotional affair - she is his "best friend" "soulmate." I think the physical stuff comes second, especially since she isn't his type and is 10 years older than him. I do believe he loved me, we worked really hard to have these babies (three rounds of IVF) and he moved from another country to be with me. I actually think he still loves me, but just doesn't love himself. It is really sad that he just can't figure this out. Bottom line is I hope he finds himself so he can be a good role model for our girls, right now he is an embarrassment.

Do some guys never get out of the affair fog until it is too late? I feel like I could be living in limbo forever. How can I speed this up so the EA doesn't get any more traction?


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Do not listen to the "soulmate" bull sheet. I'm sure he said I love you but I'm not in love with you. This is called cheaters script. He will also try to gas light you. 

I suggest you get Not just Friends by Shirley Glass. 

Read up on affair fog and how to break up an affair by exposing.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> His brother doesn't know yet. I think he would be pretty pissed if I told him.


Tell him. Tell him your are divorcing his sorry a$$ because he had the nerve to bring his GF to NICU. What kind of scumbag flaunt this way the woman he's f0cking around while her wife was pregnant and after giving birth to his twins? Tell him you lost any hope he will come to his senses so you are protecting yourself.
Please, tell your lawyer OW has tyo be out of sight of your babies.
Expose him to everybody.

The 180 degree rules


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

Autumn3232 said:


> How can I speed this up so the EA doesn't get any more traction?


Forgiveness! Forgiving him and forgiving yourself! This does not mean you forget. There really is no quick fix or easy way to go about it. I understand your approach Autumn...to try and put this behind you as quick as possible and forget it ever happen. Its trying to live in denial.

Autumn, I admire your zeal and determination to get on with you life ASAP, but you need to hurt right now. Showing emotions may paint you as weak and feeble, but getting bitter and playing all these scenarios in your mind about what he has done and what he is doing is going to rob you of all happiness and joy.

Your husband has had an affair and he has violated the marriage vows. I know of a lady who joined a widow's group after her divorce, because she saw the death of her marriage and in some regards, it is the same way. Its okay to grieve Autumn...its not letting your zeal down and it does not give your husband ground...it allows you to heal.


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## Autumn3232 (Oct 25, 2012)

Silverlining said:


> Do not listen to the "soulmate" bull sheet. I'm sure he said I love you but I'm not in love with you. This is called cheaters script. He will also try to gas light you.
> 
> I suggest you get Not just Friends by Shirley Glass.
> 
> Read up on affair fog and how to break up an affair by exposing.


He said that exactly!! What is gas light? I am such a novice  I just downloaded Not Just Friends - it is great! Thanks!


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

Autumn3232 said:


> He said that exactly!! What is gas light?


"In brief, Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim, with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorientating the victim. Ultimately the victim ‘allows’ the perpetrator to define some or all of their reality. Gaslighting is sometimes called Ambient Abuse, or Sleeping Beauty Slavery."

What is Gaslighting? - Marriage AdvocatesMarriage Advocates

What Is Gaslighting? : The Gaslight Effect


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## Autumn3232 (Oct 25, 2012)

forevermemorable said:


> Forgiveness! Forgiving him and forgiving yourself! This does not mean you forget. There really is no quick fix or easy way to go about it. I understand your approach Autumn...to try and put this behind you as quick as possible and forget it ever happen. Its trying to live in denial.
> 
> Autumn, I admire your zeal and determination to get on with you life ASAP, but you need to hurt right now. Showing emotions may paint you as weak and feeble, but getting bitter and playing all these scenarios in your mind about what he has done and what he is doing is going to rob you of all happiness and joy.



Thanks, I think I needed to hear that. The man is a fool. I am a good wife, a successful professional and I am very attractive - the OW is old, not attractive, a women who would break-up her family and risk her career...if that's what he wants - go for it!

It is just hard to give up on the idea of a family after I worked so hard to get one.


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## Autumn3232 (Oct 25, 2012)

Thanks for the education on gas lighting. I think he is doing a little of that, but mainly he is re-writting our past...that it doesn't compare to this new love. Which is a bunch of BS


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Are you financially dependent on him?
I'd be very tempted to destroy his and her carreers.

Sorry friend. I hate your husband.


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## Autumn3232 (Oct 25, 2012)

I am not financially dependent on him. I'm not sure if they would get fired since they are at the same level. But their job requires them to be very ethical (bankers). Thoughts?

Don't worry, a lot of people hate my husband right now. Me included much of the time!


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

Autumn3232 said:


> Don't worry, a lot of people hate my husband right now. Me included much of the time!


I don't want to sound cheesy, but I am reminded of a quote of Yoda, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."

Two wrongs do not make a right. Autumn, your mind is probably running a million different directions, with a million different thoughts (good and bad). It is your job and effort to pick out the right thoughts from the negative ones.

What I have read many times on this forum of those from marriages filled with infidelity and divorce is that one of three things happen:

1) You become hateful, angry, bitter, and revengeful.
2) You try and work on your marriage.
3) You forgive and move on.

Of course, the first option is more prone and the route that many take. This idea of forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do. When I got married, my wedding photographer stole my wife's photos (she never got to see them). My wife cried many of nights as a result. I sought after this guy with a vengeance and it had consumed me and I will filled with hate. It did me no good but to take my focus off my newly bride. It wasn't until I said, "Enough is enough! I can't live like this anymore." And I forgave him for hurting my wife and I. It was at that moment of forgiveness (we are talking about seconds here), that I felt the biggest weight taken off of me. It was one of the few magical spiritual moments in life where you know you did the right thing and you can breathe again.

Hate indeed leads to suffering. Does this mean you don't take measures to protect your heart, children, or assets? Of course not. You do what you go to do, but don't do it out of a spirit of retaliation, hate, and bitterness. It will kill you! It will destroy who you are and you will be just another number like so many other posters here in TAM who have the biggest chip on their shoulder filled with hatred and bitterness. Forgiveness is a very powerful weapon you have at your disposal and it can free you from a world of hurt and sorrow. Hate is also a very power weapon and it will keep you in chains for the rest of your life (especially in the cause of infidelity). We all know many people out there who have taken this route and are still bitter to this day (even after many many years of the event), Don't be like them. Rise above it all and forgive.

I believe if there is any chance down the road to reconcile (before the divorce paperwork is filed), go this route...at least for the kid's sake. They are the ones that suffer the most and this world already has enough broken homes and kids that are hurting. I am not saying to turn a blind eye to licentiousness. If a couple can come back together and forgive each other and to repent (meaning to turn from...do a 180 degree turn), they can make a marriage blossom again. Unlike others, I would encourage you to wait awhile and see how things pan out. Don't allow hubby back into the door unless he is willing to repent, ask for forgiveness, and takes the steps and effort to focus on his family. And also brings you a 1,000 roses!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you called his brother yet?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I have two children who were born exactly the way yours were - in NICU & then home with all of the demands of new babies, but also all of the dangers of their precarious births - times 2.

Please listen to me - Focus on your babies and what you have to do with your own life, the logistics of your life, to get through the day. This is mind-bending enough without the crap that your H is doing.

Do the 180 for yourself and focus, focus, focus on you and the babies. Force yourself. Your exhaustion will only make your emotional reaction to your H worse. Force yourself to get any sleep you can & when you are awake, it's you and the babies 100%.

Your H is a POS and will wake up at some point, but I hope by then you will have reached a point where you can handle things emotionally on your own.

And I hope you have some in-home help with the children.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

Autumn3232,

How are you doing since you posted your thread? What has been going on in your life. I am sure we would all love to know...and if not all, I would love to hear what has been going on (good or bad).


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## Autumn3232 (Oct 25, 2012)

Hi All,

Wow, it seems like a whole other lifetime since I posted about this mess. Thanks for checking in on me! You are too sweet. Well, I kicked him out around February and filed for divorce in March. He never stopped having an affair, even to this day. His mistress still lives with her family and her husband (the husband knows, but I assume at this point he thinks it is over). My soon to be ex, never really showed remorse, he never stopped cheating, and he just messed with me while "we were trying to fix our marriage." For example, we went to a ton of counseling, but he just lied through the entire thing. Now, from my vantage point, things are much clearer and I see him for who he really is. He is very selfish and has a lot of narcisistic traits that I was ignoring when I was trying to make our family work. I also think he is a very unhappy man.

As for me, I am BUSY! My girls are now one, I work full time and I am starting to piece my life back together. I started dating a very handsome, successful man shortly after I kicked out my ex, but I am wise enough to know I am NOT ready for anything serious. This whole craziness has messed with my self esteem and trust for other people significantly. But, dating him gave me that shot in the arm I needed to know I was still wanted and could be loved. Even though he is still in my live, it is very relaxed as I need time to myself right now. I feel like I need to get back to "me," I have forgotten who she is a little.

Anyways, maybe not the happy ending you expected, but I am getting happy and sometimes life throws you really hard lessons. I am just taking it one day at a time and recarving my future. One thing that really helped me know this was not my fault, was my counselor (who did couple counseling with my ex and myself) told me that what he did and then how he handeled it, was very unusual for a person. She said to run and not look back


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Autumn3232 said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Wow, it seems like a whole other lifetime since I posted about this mess. Thanks for checking in on me! You are too sweet. Well, I kicked him out around February and filed for divorce in March. He never stopped having an affair, even to this day. His mistress still lives with her family and her husband (the husband knows, but I assume at this point he thinks it is over). My soon to be ex, never really showed remorse, he never stopped cheating, and he just messed with me while "we were trying to fix our marriage." For example, we went to a ton of counseling, but he just lied through the entire thing. Now, from my vantage point, things are much clearer and I see him for who he really is. He is very selfish and has a lot of narcisistic traits that I was ignoring when I was trying to make our family work. I also think he is a very unhappy man.
> 
> ...


Glad you are doing so well, under the very trying circumstances. May I suggest Cheaterville for them?


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

One of the most devastating things a family can go through is divorce. Divorce rips the very fabric of our society and destroys relationships forever.

I am very sorry that all of this has transpired in your life, especially with such young ones. My dear lady, you are well within your divorce rights. Your husband is a selfish individual that cares about himself only. He really does not care about his mistress...he will go through life thinking about himself and using anyone and everyone to get what "he" wants. Your husband is a destroyer, with no morals, honor, or integrity!

Your story is similar to mine, when I was a child and my dad left my mom to seek after affair after affair. My dad left my family early on and my mom raise my brother and I until we got married. My mom never remarried and rarely even dated. My mom was more concerned for our well being and childhood than her own needs. She laid down her life for my brother and I, in response to a lack of father figure...and she did a mighty fine good job.

Life is going to be difficult for you, as you continue going through the divorce proceedings, the next 17 years of custody visits, dealing with the emotional trauma and games your ex will play with your kids as they get older and tries to use them to hurt you. Its an ugly game and my strong advice to you is "DON'T FIGHT BACK!" To wrongs do not make a right! Your kids do not need the emotional stress that comes from a divorce home. And I assure you 1000% that your kids will know who is on their side and who truly loves them unconditionally. You do not have to train, educate, caution your kids about their father, because it will instinctively be known to them. They will be able to ALWAYS see right through him and his selfishness.

My father tried to come back into my life 13 years later after abandoning my family. He tried to rid himself of the guilt by throwing presents and money at us, but it did not work. And now I have a family of my own with three wonderful kids and 12 years of marriage to a beautiful and loving wife...and my father has faded off the scene 7 years ago and he has not written, e-mailed, called, or sent a card in the last 7 years, despite my tries to leave voicemails and e-mails. History repeats itself. My father never truly changed after abandoning my mom.

However, I do believe a person can change who they are...their character. I believe in 180 degree turn in a person's life. But it takes a complete surrender of oneself to a Higher power. It takes repentance. The word "repent" means to turn away from...in other words, to do 180 degree turn from the opposite direction in which one is going. This is what will need to take place in your ex's life if he is going to be a father to the kids the way a father should be. Without repentance, he will still be the slime-ball that he is.

Stay strong and focus on those kids of yours. Never miss an opportunity to tell them personally that you love them. See to their well being first, because they are really what matters the most. Train up a child in the way he should go (a right way), so that when he or she is older, he will not depart from that right training that you instilled in them.


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