# How to get over wedding? Want to move on.



## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

I settled for a small cheap elopement, because we had no money for a real wedding. My parents were offering pay, on the condition that my mother plan everything. I did not like the idea of having a huge wedding I didn't want, so I couldn't accept that offer. 
We wanted a small affair of between 30-80 people. My extended family, along with my immediate family, constantly needled us because it was too small. We were expected to have 170 guests with a bridal party of four on each side. My mother even wanted to choose who would be in my wedding. Of all the f***ing nerve!
In any case, all we could afford was a ceremony outside, with four guests. It was beautiful, but it wasn't enough. We had already been engaged for two years and we just wanted to get married.
My family no longer speaks to me because my mother told them that they could not.
Mother can burn in hell, but I miss my dad and my nieces.
I also feel robbed of the experience of a real wedding. Every time I see a bride coming out of a church with her bridesmaids, I weep. I never had a bridal shower or a bachelorette party either. We just couldn't afford it. 
All I want is to get over my sadness. My husband feels guilty and he promises that we will have a large 5th anniversary party. Who says we'll even make it to that?? A lot can happen in five years and I refuse to believe in happily ever after. Life is not a fairy tale and marriage is hard. 
Any suggestions? No belittling posts, please.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am sorry to hear you didn't have the wedding you had hoped for.

What you have to do is focus on the fact that you did marry the man you love, that the wedding has already happened and is gone and done, that you cannot change the past, and just work on focusing our energy on other things, on the future.

If your relationship is strained with your family members, try to reach out to them and have a heart-to-heart and tell them how you feel and that you miss them.

Five yrs does go by quickly and who knows...you guys could have your big wedding then. Or you could even treat yourselves to a fun vacation before then.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Have you worked on your issues regarding your mom? She sounds like a real piece of work and I can't tell from your post if you have really dealt with her role in your life (you still sound bitter). The whole tone of your posts really suggests that anger at her is what is underlying your inability to get past the wedding issue. This is just an observation by a total stranger, so chuck it if you disagree. But try not to take out your anger at your mom on your dear hubby!


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Sisters, you may be on to something. I only chuck advice if it is given in a disrespectful manner.
I agree that I am bitter; don't understand why she insists on being so difficult. I don't want to end up 40 years old and still pissed off.
It's not my husband's fault that my parents are childish and controlling. He does what he can for us.
When we discuss this, I make sure not to blame him for not being able to give me a wedding, like other husband's I know. I just tell him how I feel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

I know it must be incredibly difficult to regret things about your wedding and to be separated from your family--but what if you had a giant wedding that your mother had planned in its entirety? You might still have the regrets and the feeling that you were robbed of the experience if you didn't have a say in any of the proceedings. I know it's not really much comfort to think it could have been worse, because a wedding shouldn't have to be a choice between two undesirable options. But sometimes it can be good to think of the benefits of having a small wedding. After all, you got to plan it, you didn't waste tons of money or get into huge debt, and you still got to wear a beautiful white dress!

I'm torn about whether or not I want a big wedding--I used to really want it, but after seeing the huge costs, I'm leaning more towards eloping. I don't have that kind of cash and I wouldn't want to put my family through it either. All in all, if you stood by your wishes and your husband, then I think you did the right thing. I don't think a wedding ceremony should be the reason for a family to not speak to each other--I bet some of your other family members also feel that way. Maybe you could try talking to them like others have suggested?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I had the "dream wedding". It turned out to be a nightmare complete with my dress nearly catching on fire walking up the aisle. Apparently there were signs everywhere that day.
Offering a gift of paying and then saying she has all the say so is not a gift, it is control and manipulation. You did the right thing by not accepting it. You did it on your terms. I understand it didn't turn out how you wanted it to. Your husband is right though, you two can plan a wonderful wedding at the 5 year mark or 10 year mark. I know you say that alot can happen in that time period and that happily ever after doesn't exist. I get that. Also know, if you didn't think it was possible for long term happiness, you wouldn't have married him in the first place. 
FWIW, 4 people outside in a beautiful ceremony beats the hell out of 170 people who came for the full bar and 20 bickering relatives, two of which were my bitterly divorced parents. Wanna trade?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I eloped and had two guests/witnesses. Yes I had a cheesy vegas wedding. LOL!! Not a big fan of huge family drama's and that's what I would have had to had I gone that route. I have no regrets though. Only thing I wanted was pictures which I got by coming home and dressing up again for the photographer.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Hello Mrs.G

Big weddings cost a lot of money, and they are only for show. The brides are usually extremely tired because of the planning, and the grooms are usually tired too and frustrated. 

They get to show off for one day, but can you imagine how much money it costs, I remember it averages $20,000 or $30,000. Do other people remember how gorgeous they were on that day, NO! Of course the bride and groom will remember that day, beautiful dress, beautiful flowers,.....................and this is a good wedding I am talking about. A lot of them will remember the frustration and tiredness they went through! 

I have talked to friends who had big weddings, all of them said they would wish to have a small wedding. 

One of them spent $30,000, I don't see them to be happier now. Quite the opposite! 

My husband and I just went to the court and got married. We didn't elope, we just planned this way. The pictures your saw on my facebook were pictures taken from the day we got married. We went to the court house on his then shabby scooter, a front piece was missing. 

Two of us went to a steakhouse for a nice meal ($30 each), we went to a motel for a night($200), we went to a mountain for seven days, that's our honey week. We were extremely happy. No stress, no frustration, no financial burden! 

Future happiness is in your hands, if you work towards it, and you determine to get it, YOU WILL! 

Money is important, but money is not the answer to happiness!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Brennan said:


> I had the "dream wedding". It turned out to be a nightmare complete with my dress nearly catching on fire walking up the aisle. Apparently there were signs everywhere that day.


This made me :rofl:

At least you could see the humor in it 

I had a pretty wedding. We are divorced now. ::sniff:

Ironically, I never thought I'd even get married or have that kind of wedding. I always thought I'd do something crazy and low-key like a drive-thru in Vegas. Don't laugh.


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

Why don't you and your husband plan to re-marry or marry again, in other words, have a ceremony that you feel better represents who the two of you are?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you feel your marriage may not even last 5 years, why are you so adamant on getting a 'dream wedding' for something you aren't even sure of?


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

I think small weddings are the best. You don't have to worry about guests, receptions, food, dresses, blah blah.

Instead you get to focus on why you, the bride and groom, are there and to whom you are pledging your lives to. You get to *feel* precisely why you are there. Your focus doesn't get taken away by tension or organizing considerations.

I always thought that big weddings are meant more for the guests rather than the actual couple. The guests have an opportunity for gossip, food and entertainment, all at someone else's expense. (sorry if that offends anyone)


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

turnera said:


> If you feel your marriage may not even last 5 years, why are you so adamant on getting a 'dream wedding' for something you aren't even sure of?


Turnera, nobody ever gets married thinking that they will divorce. It happens all the time, though. Nothing is ever certain, not even marriage. The point I made is that "happily ever after" doesn't exist. A lot can happen in five years and I am realistic enough to know that sometimes feelings, goals and personalities can be different.
Of course, I hope it lasts until I'm dead. I don't know what the future will bring and neither does any other married couple.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I wouldn't worry about the wedding.

You say you have a great marriage with Mr. G.

Lots of people have had the fancy weddings and a lot of them are now divorced.

A wedding does not make the marriage - people do. 

I had one marriage with a wedding and another in a courthouse.

Guess which one is still going after 27 years together?

And as far as your mother - controlling and manipulative at best. How can she control the entire family not talking to you - does she have them all locked up? They are grown-ups, if they want to see you and talk to you - they can. If they are allowing fear and intimation to rule their lives, then perhaps you don't need that type of negativity in yours.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> Turnera, nobody ever gets married thinking that they will divorce. It happens all the time, though. Nothing is ever certain, not even marriage. The point I made is that "happily ever after" doesn't exist. A lot can happen in five years and I am realistic enough to know that sometimes feelings, goals and personalities can be different.
> Of course, I hope it lasts until I'm dead. I don't know what the future will bring and neither does any other married couple.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And that is precisely the reason why I fought so hard in another thread about women staying independent and relying on themselves and not someone else.

Because happily ever after is just that - a fairytale.

You can never "truly" judge the feelings of others - only your own. They only show you what "they" want you to see.

They can tell you they "love you" and then turn around and stab you in the back with the other hand...unfortunately it happens each and every day to someone.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

MarriedWife, I need my nieces and my dad. The others can go jump in a lake. 
I'm not worried about the wedding. I just wish we could have had a real one. I would have liked to have had that experience.
Of course weddings don't make the marriage, but they do symbolize the beginning. I feel robbed and cheated of what I see all the other wives around me getting.
I have Mr.G, which is nice. I just feel deprived of a normal rite of passage. My father is disappointed that he didn't get to walk me down the aisle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> MarriedWife, I need my nieces and my dad. The others can go jump in a lake.
> I'm not worried about the wedding. I just wish we could have had a real one. I would have liked to have had that experience.
> Of course weddings don't make the marriage, but they do symbolize the beginning. I feel robbed and cheated of what I see all the other wives around me getting.
> I have Mr.G, which is nice. I just feel deprived of a normal rite of passage. My father is disappointed that he didn't get to walk me down the aisle.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I totally understand your need for your father and nieces.

But, if they won't go up against your mother and see you on their own, what can you do at this point?

I wouldn't feel robbed or cheated. You got the best part - Mr. G - put it in the past and have your 5-year wedding as he has promised.

Don't let this ruin an otherwise happy time in your life, weddings aren't always what they're cracked up to be.

Now about your Mom - you know what they say - you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

My mother in law is throwing a one year anniversary party for us. We hardly see his family because they live far away.
Since we have a good relationship and I am touched by her generosity, we will be visiting for a week in October. It will be so much fun!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Mrs. G, my wish for you is to be able to have the wedding one day you would like. I bet it will happen! 

I also think its important to bury the hatchet with your mother, of course if you want to though. although I'm not sure of what that issue might be, but I can completely understand if its a controlling nature on her part. My mother can be like that, and I have learned to just take her with a grain of salt a times. However, your issues with her may go deeper than what I know, but I think its good you stand your ground, and try to not let her get to you.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Mrs.G

Is your mother still angry with you? 

It has been such a long time. 

I think she might miss you a lot. 

I am sure your father and your sisters miss you even more. 

Is it possible that you and your mother let go of the past? 

Being severed by family will hurt you forever. Better do something than nothing!


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Mrs.G
> 
> Is your mother still angry with you?
> 
> ...


No sisters, Green. 

My mother is still angry about the wedding. She forbids my brothers and my dad from communicating with me. I refuse to apologize, because I did nothing wrong.

Who wants to listen to how fat they are all the time or be humiliated in front of her husband? I don't deserve that.

I have given her numerous chances to treat me with respect. She insists on angry tirades and insults, as well as pushing her way into our marriage. Let's not forget the racist comments about whites, right to my husband's face! 

None of my father's family like her at all.

She's too toxic, Greenpearl. Mr.G can't stand her and quite frankly, neither can I. 

I will invite her to the party my Ma is throwing for us, but only because my father would not attend on his own.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Mrs.G

Your mother sounds like a very bitter and unforgiving woman. 

No mother holds hatred against her own daughter for such a long time. No mother wants her own child to suffer in life. I don't understand this type of people. But this society has weird people, I guess I am not surprised. 

Insulting the man her daughter loves is stupid, forbidding your father and brothers from talking to you is barbarian. 

I feel that you have a huge battle to fight! Emotional fight! You need to be strong. It is great that you get a lot of support from your husband's family. Well, you lose something, you get something! 

I don't get much emotional support from my family either. My parents are my responsibility rather than my support. My mother is a loving mother, but she can't hear now, I can't talk to her. My father is a very selfish man, he only thinks about himself. When I talk to him, it is very business like. I talk to one of my sisters, once a month! It is always me who is making the call. And I have another sister and two brothers, no contact with them! Sometimes I feel so alone, but I am getting used to it. It is a good thing that I have such a wonderful husband, it eases my lonely feeling! You have ONE too!  I have learned to accept that this is life, life has something great for us, life also has a lot of disappointing things for us. After I accepted this is my reality, I became much more cheerful!  Now I focus on people who love me!  My mother-in-law and father-in-law are very good to me too. I talk to my mother-in-law every week, and email her every week. They love me!


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I am sorry to hear you didn't have the wedding you had hoped for.
> 
> What you have to do is focus on the fact that you did marry the man you love, that the wedding has already happened and is gone and done, that you cannot change the past, and just work on focusing our energy on other things, on the future.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I am sure your relatives are not happy about being on some kind of speaking ban from you as well. Reach out the olive branch, have a heart to heart with them as well as your mother and I am sure things will improve in the family regard.

I also did not have the wedding of my dreams, to say the least, because of finances! But we are planning to have an anniversary dinner on our first anniversary with our family in an amazing new restaurant we found in Fayetteville. I think taking small regular trips in your home state, maybe once or twice a month is a good way to feel like you are experiencing specialness with your husband and family.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

She's angry about the wedding because she didn't have any control over it, no doubt a pattern in her and your entire relationship. 

As for your anniversary party in October, book a church in that area now and get remarried!!!! Flowers can be purchased very cheaply if you contact local growers. They are wholesalers but I doubt any of them would turn you down if you told them why you needed them. They are 1/3 the cost of a florist as there is no middleman. Gather your closest friends who more than likely will be at that party and have them be your bridesmaids. Those dresses will literally cost half during the off season in October and your bridesmaids buy them. You already have the party going for you so I assume free food and booze, that's half the battle! 
This is one heck of an opportunity Mrs. G, take it. You have plenty of time to plan and you can do it the way you want. You already have the gorgeous dress. 
The most gorgeous wedding I have ever been to was my former co-worker. She was 23, an underpaid Receptionist and it cost under $1k. 200 people for under $1k. The invitations were "imperfect" discarded stock Cranes paper she found on Ebay. $8. She typed out the original invitation and copied them at Kinkos on to her Cranes paper. The end of the invite said "since XXXX and I feel fireworks every time we see each other, please bring some to our wedding". She folded the invitations in such a way that no envelope was needed and she sealed each with red wax. Very old school and VERY elegant. The reception was at the church hall (your reception will be at your in-laws), the food was brought by all (yours will be provided for by your in-laws), the dress was one she bought at a thrift store and she customized it (you already have one), the flowers were from a grower and supplemented by peonies from her MIL's back yard, the cake was standard sheet cake from Kroger that I stacked (with dowel supports) 4 layers on top of each other and adorned with white peach tipped rose heads and edible gold dust. The booze was really what cost her the most. You already have that. (free) They had a live band. She contacted the local high school and asked if there was anybody there who wanted to up their street cred by playing an actual paying gig. $50 bucks but it included free food and booze if they snuck it discretely. She had a 5 person band who played everything from Kid Rock to Miles Davis. The end of the evening was topped off with fireworks, fireworks we had all brought. She had contacted the local firehouse as it was illegal to set them off in that area unless you are licensed to do so. 4 firefighters showed up in dress blues and a shiny red fire truck adorned with ivy, peonies and battery operated white lights all over to set them off. 200 people averaging 5 fireworks a person netted 30 minutes of a show I will never forget. 
Mrs. G, you can have your dream wedding for under $400. You already have so much. This is totally within your reach. Do it!!!!

P.S. I had a $30k wedding, black tie affair, country club reception. A bunch of a-holes who showed up for the open bar, free food and to "network". B!tching relatives and don't even get me started on my parents. I would trade it all in in a freaking second to have the wedding my friend/former co-worker had. Friends and family who all came together to make it amazing and breathtaking.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

AvaTara539 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I am sure your relatives are not happy about being on some kind of speaking ban from you as well. Reach out the olive branch, have a heart to heart with them as well as your mother and I am sure things will improve in the family regard.
> 
> I also did not have the wedding of my dreams, to say the least, because of finances! But we are planning to have an anniversary dinner on our first anniversary with our family in an amazing new restaurant we found in Fayetteville. I think taking small regular trips in your home state, maybe once or twice a month is a good way to feel like you are experiencing specialness with your husband and family.


Hope you have a great time! Eat some steak for me! LOL
Ava, you are assuming that my mother is a normal, rational person. She can only be nice for about two weeks and only if people do what she wants at all times. I don't miss her because she is evil.
I cannot change the dysfunctional dynamics in my family. I am the only one who is brave enough to challenge her bullying and abuse. Even my dad is desperately unhappy, but too afraid to leave. I forgive him for not protecting me, because he was victimized too.
While I would enjoy a second wedding, my husband is not on board with that idea. Oh well. I had an awful prom and I said to myself, "Well, maybe I'll have a great wedding!" Ha, no such luck.
I DID get an amazing hubby, lovely pictures and a beautiful ring set. It could have been much worse!
We do take getaways, babe. *grin* Great minds, huh? In fact, we are spending the night in a SWANK hotel for my birthday and the four year anniversary of the day we met.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Red Riding Hood (Apr 14, 2011)

Mrs. G, I really like reading your posts. You've had a very different family dynamic than what I have had, but I like how you seem to have overcome that. I agree with Brennan - have you ever considered just planning/having a wedding of your dreams regardless of who would be invited? Why isn't your husband on board for something like that? You could invite family - they can come or not, but you could at least have part of the experience that you want.

I don't know why - maybe it's the stress of planning and having a wedding, but it can sometimes make people who are mild-mannered, well-behaved, and typically loving turn into tyrants (thinking mothers here )

I have been married more than 20 years now, and even though my wedding was everything I would have wanted, I realize now looking back, that the significance of some of the things I thought then that were important details, really weren't. After all, I've got my husband and my kids and my dogs and that's what's important.

~ Red


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## Blue Skye (Apr 22, 2011)

Ahhh, this is sad! I pretty much had the wedding of my dreams, so I feel for you not being to have this special day. 

The one sure thing that I have found that seems to cure most things like regrets, at least for me is ... time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why do you have to give up your wedding just because your H doesn't want it?


Is he more important than you?


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> I settled for a small cheap elopement, because we had no money for a real wedding. My parents were offering pay, on the condition that my mother plan everything. I did not like the idea of having a huge wedding I didn't want, so I couldn't accept that offer.
> We wanted a small affair of between 30-80 people. My extended family, along with my immediate family, constantly needled us because it was too small. We were expected to have 170 guests with a bridal party of four on each side. My mother even wanted to choose who would be in my wedding. Of all the f***ing nerve!
> In any case, all we could afford was a ceremony outside, with four guests. It was beautiful, but it wasn't enough. We had already been engaged for two years and we just wanted to get married.
> My family no longer speaks to me because my mother told them that they could not.
> ...


 A wedding is one day of your life, your marriage is your whole life afterwords. There is far to much cultural obsession with weddings. Its just a ceremony, the real work starts afterwords.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

DepressedHusband said:


> A wedding is one day of your life, your marriage is your whole life afterwords. There is far to much cultural obsession with weddings. Its just a ceremony, the real work starts afterwords.


Yes, a long term happy marriage is much more important than a showing one day! Can't even compare! With that much of money, I have the down payment for an apartment!


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> Yes, a long term happy marriage is much more important than a showing one day! Can't even compare! With that much of money, I have the down payment for an apartment!


 some good friends of mine drop 47K on a weeding, marriage lasted 32 months almost to the day.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

DepressedHusband said:


> some good friends of mine drop 47K on a weeding, marriage lasted 32 months almost to the day.


I personally think the smaller the wedding, the sweeter it is! 

Because you focus on each other more than you focus on other people! 

Wedding day is only the start spot of a marriage, better not create stress! I view a big wedding stress!


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> I personally think the smaller the wedding, the sweeter it is!
> 
> Because you focus on each other more than you focus on other people!
> 
> Wedding day is only the start spot of a marriage, better not create stress! I view a big wedding stress!


 I never dated girls very long who obliged to tell me about those big wedding plans. To me it says that they are not emotionally grounded.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

DepressedHusband said:


> I never dated girls very long who obliged to tell me about those big wedding plans. To me it says that they are not emotionally grounded.


My husband stayed away from girls who like showy stuff too! 

He knows he can't provide them that!


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

turnera said:


> Why do you have to give up your wedding just because your H doesn't want it?
> 
> 
> Is he more important than you?


We are important to each other. Since a wedding is about the couple, I wouldn't feel comfortable forcing Mr.G to participate in something so meaningful. That's not fair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> My husband stayed away from girls who like showy stuff too!
> 
> He knows he can't provide them that!


 I tend to go for the librarians.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

DepressedHusband said:


> I never dated girls very long who obliged to tell me about those big wedding plans. To me it says that they are not emotionally grounded.


Ouch.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> We are important to each other. Since a wedding is about the couple, I wouldn't feel comfortable forcing Mr.G to participate in something so meaningful. That's not fair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Mrs.G

You are smart! 

Adding stress on our husbands is the least thing we want to do! 

This is not related to who is more important! 

This is related to our peaceful happy life!


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Thank you, my sweet dear greenpearl. I would not enjoy a second wedding if I knew my husband was forcing himself. 
The truth is, I'm married already. The wedding has come and gone. It's too bad that I didn't get the wedding I wanted, but in the grander scheme of things, it means very little. We can always make more memories together! We had our honeymoon at the resort we married at-think foliage, a lake and gourmet food with a fireplace and a hot tub. That was a lovely week! I had to run away from Mr.G, because he wanted to make love to me twice a day! LOL The guest staff teased me when they saw me running about with messy hair and a misbuttoned shirt! *wipes tears from laughing*
When we go up north, people gawk at us because we are a mixed couple. They are not like city dwellers who rarely bat an eye. We used to love making out in front of the ignorant fools.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Mrs.G

I don't recommend a second wedding. I recommend more precious two people time together, just like you described. 

Marriage is about two people, go to a nice restaurant, enjoy nice meals and two of you lovey dovey, what a nice picture. Go to a nice hotel, two of you spend time f**king like rabbits, what lovely moments. Take a walk near a lake, hold each other's hands, gazing at each other passionately , don't you feel this is sweet!!! 

On our anniversary day, I want to cum three times. I could do it before, I don't know about it this year!  But two for sure. We usually go to a fancy motel, go to a nice restaurant, go to a nice coffee shop, buy something nice for me! I look forward to that day, it is the only day we celebrate in a year.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> We are important to each other. Since a wedding is about the couple, I wouldn't feel comfortable forcing Mr.G to participate in something so meaningful. That's not fair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Ok, well, then, this is one of the first things you're going to have to learn about being married.

When ONE partner gives up what they want to please the other partner....IT DOESN'T WORK!

Why? Because the one who gave up starts resenting the one who got what he wanted.

The one key here is COMMUNICATION.

Is he aware of how desperately you want it?

If so, does he CARE?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> Thank you, my sweet dear greenpearl. I would not enjoy a second wedding if I knew my husband was forcing himself.
> The truth is, I'm married already. The wedding has come and gone. It's too bad that I didn't get the wedding I wanted, but in the grander scheme of things, it means very little. We can always make more memories together! We had our honeymoon at the resort we married at-think foliage, a lake and gourmet food with a fireplace and a hot tub. That was a lovely week! I had to run away from Mr.G, because he wanted to make love to me twice a day! LOL The guest staff teased me when they saw me running about with messy hair and a misbuttoned shirt! *wipes tears from laughing*
> When we go up north, people gawk at us because we are a mixed couple. They are not like city dwellers who rarely bat an eye. We used to love making out in front of the ignorant fools.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 What is north for you? I'm in Texas and, believe it or not, people around here really don't give a fig. Our DD20's godfather, H's best friend, was Black. Our best friends across the street are Black. DD20's best friend is Korean, and her other best friend is half-Thai. Her male best friend is Black. 

I guess we're just so immersed in that kind of situation that I don't run into people any more who don't think the way we do.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

turnera said:


> Ok, well, then, this is one of the first things you're going to have to learn about being married.
> 
> When ONE partner gives up what they want to please the other partner....IT DOESN'T WORK!
> 
> ...


Asking if my husband is "more important" or "cares what I want" is just mean spirited way to insult the way we communicate or decide things. I am no longer going to respond to your unhelpful comments. You have nothing to teach me about being married; you only want to be insulting. Look at how polite the other responses were.
Last time, turnera. Despite what you would like to happen, I hold no resentment towards my husband. I accept his reasoning and I've moved on. Sorry that you advocate being pushy and difficult, but it is not my style. I can assure you that our compromises go both ways. Jump back on your broom and take your bitterness to your husband, not my marriage! LOL
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

The purpose of the offer of your mother to plan the wedding was to control you.

The ongoing issue with your mother is to control you.

Either way your mother was going to try and ruin your wedding/marriage I think.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Believe me Atholk, I'm well aware of her controlling ways. I am ostracized because I stand up to her. Too bad! I'm not going to live in misery like my dad and two of my brothers.
She DID attempt to ruin our relationship by making racist comments and being very unpleasant to be around. Though I was hurt, I was hardly surprised. She has always done so with anyone I dated; even went so far as to criticize me to my exes. 
My eldest bro is single and childless at 41...he hates it. Yet he allows my mother to choose his partners and runs to her with all of his private business-women leave because he is a mama's boy. So sad.
I've reached a point in my life where I stay away from negative and mean spirited fools. Let my mother moan about how 2 of her four children want nothing to do with her. She is too dense and damaged to see why.
My wedding was not what I wanted. It was, however, beautiful for what it was. My dress was gorgeous, the setting was wonderful and my awful mom wasn't there. 
Implying that my husband does not care about me, just because he didn't want to get married again, was an undeserved shot at us as a couple. Second weddings run the risk of appearing tacky and desperate- a costume party for those who had cheap weddings. 
I'm excited about our first anniversary trip to the gorgeous Martimes. I'll finally meet my niece and my brother in law! Yaaay!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Mrs.G

I have been reading a lot of books, they are all related to life. 

Many books mention one important thing that we have to do: Don't live in the past! 

Don't keep on thinking about the past, don't keep on thinking what I had and what I didn't have in the past. There is nothing we can do about our past. We can't go back and live again. 

Focus on our present, make sure our present is happy and organized. Now you have a loving husband, you are out of your mother's control, make sure your life with your husband is happy. Other things, just don't think about it! The more negative things you think about, the more happiness it takes away from you! 

How do you stop thinking about negative things in life? KEEP BUSY! 

When we have too much free time, we tend to sit there and sink into our past, and then let our past hurt us again. Keep ourselves busy. Do things in the house, think of new ideas to make you and your husband happy, listen to music, read a good book, these are all good things to do to keep your occupied. 

And don't waste money on unnecessary things, a second wedding is just wasting money, I hope you are not serious about this idea. Your happiness doesn't need a second wedding, your happiness needs a loving husband. Sometimes we don't have anything to show the world, but we are truly happy! Happiness is intangible, people can't see, but do we care? Showy stuff can attract other people's eyes, but they also cost you a lot of money.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Green, there will not be a second wedding. I thought you knew that.
Thanks for your "keeping busy" suggestion. I don't appreciate being told that I "have too much free time." You know very little about what I do during the day.I don't discuss this issue with Mr.G anymore.
I believe that tangibles contribute to happiness as well-finances wouldn't be a leading cause of divorce, if money meant nothing. I suppose we have different expectations. If my husband refused to have a car, I wouldn't have dated him in the first place. I stayed with Mr.G when he was out of work, so I am not completely consumed by materialism.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> Green, there will not be a second wedding. I thought you knew that.
> Thanks for your "keeping busy" suggestion. I don't appreciate being told that I "have too much free time." You know very little about what I do during the day.I don't discuss this issue with Mr.G anymore.
> I believe that tangibles contribute to happiness as well-finances wouldn't be a leading cause of divorce, if money meant nothing. I suppose we have different expectations. If my husband refused to have a car, I wouldn't have dated him in the first place. I stayed with Mr.G when he was out of work, so I am not completely consumed by materialism.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I knew that!  

A car is a necessity in Canada, I have been there, my husband's family can't go anywhere if they don't have a car. 

But a car here is not a necessity, we live in the city, the public transportation is good, our work is only ten or fifteen minutes away, it is really not that necessary for us to have a car. We don't know what to do with a car. And you don't know how crowded Taiwan is, people can't go anywhere with cars. They are stuck in traffic jams. Gas is so expensive now, I am just happy that we are away from this kind of drama!

By the way, all of us have a lot of time. After work and chores, we still have a lot of time, product of this modern society! How can we make our time more pleasant? That's a trick!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Do you know anything about Toby Keith?

You sure do! 

YouTube - Toby Keith - As Good As I Once Was

He is my new lover! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVRzk3VWOKY&NR=1


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

I make it more pleasant by sharing time with my husband and with my friends. I take a lot of pleasure in being an aunt-I love talking to my nieces on the phone and sending gifts. I focus on all the things Mr.G and I plan on doing-trips, moving and all the hot sex!
I admit that I struggle with being a pessimist. Being married has helped me with that. He is a realist.
My life could be a hell of a lot worse! Mr.G is a loving and kind man. He is a true champion of our happiness. He has taught me so much about what love is supposed to be like. I had very warped ideas from what I had experienced before.
A car is only a necessity in the suburbs or the country in Ontario. We live in a large city where public transit is frequent and reliable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> Look at how polite the other responses were.


Oh, sorry. I forgot that the main reason for giving advice was to be polite, not to suggest things that _work_.



> Last time, turnera. Despite what you would like to happen, I hold no resentment towards my husband. I accept his reasoning and I've moved on.


And...why did you post your problem, then?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> Green, there will not be a second wedding. I thought you knew that.
> Thanks for your "keeping busy" suggestion. I don't appreciate being told that I "have too much free time." You know very little about what I do during the day.I don't discuss this issue with Mr.G anymore.


Whew! Where do I start? With the abusive childhood? The nonstop defensiveness? The defending the husband who you initially griped about?



> I stayed with Mr.G when he was out of work, so I am not completely consumed by materialism.


Fine with me. What did he stay with YOU through?

When did you tell him you really really really wanted a real wedding?

Did you?

Does he even know? Are you honest with him? I'm going to guess not, based on your childhood. You protect yourself. You control the amount of information you give him about you. Because, that way, he can never use it against you. Like your family did.

What you said...


> *I settled* for a *small cheap elopement*, because *we had* no money for a real wedding. My parents were offering pay, on the condition that my mother plan everything. I did not like the idea of having a huge wedding I didn't want, so I couldn't accept that offer.
> *We wanted a small affair of between 30-80 people.* My extended family, along with my immediate family, constantly needled us because it was too small. We were expected to have 170 guests with a bridal party of four on each side. My mother even wanted to choose who would be in my wedding. Of all the f***ing nerve!
> In any case, *all we could afford* was a ceremony outside, with* four guests*. It was beautiful, but* it wasn't enough*. We had already been engaged for two years and *we just wanted to get married*.
> My family no longer speaks to me because my mother told them that they could not.
> ...


Here's what I see. A nice woman who has survived an abusive childhood by learning to protect herself, show herself invulnerable, deny her feelings even to her supposed best friend in the world (her husband), given up her family to get away from her crazy abusive mother, and thrown up such an extremely high wall to protect herself from anonymous advice-givers, that she isnt' even sure of who she is or what she's willing to fight for.

Therapy would be a good alternative at this point. (for everyone all around)


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

mrs G---

i can understand your feelings of longing for famiy...my family is my mom, no one else..

my husband family is large and crazy and backstabby. his mother is the worst, she guilts and uses her anger to make you do what she wants...

when she found out i was having triplet girls..we hid it from her for a whie, so she found out when she saw the pics of my ultrasound, as she looked at them, she turned away from me on the couch, we were at her house, and didnt speak to us for almost 2 years..

she wants u all to do what she wants and to give in to her every whim....i refuse to be emotionaly blackmailed. 

if she has a attitude, than i will get off the phone with her, or leave her house. she flat out refuses to visit us at our house, when the girs were small, our car broke down, she wanted me to take 3 babies in car seats on 2 buses there and back, she said she would not drive us back home...

i said im not doing that, sorry..we will have a car soon, then we will visit...that started another 6 months of silence from her, only broken by somebodys death.

i dont like her, and i dont need her drama in my life. she treats her kids like adults...they are under 10 and one is 15..we dont agree on parenting or being a wife...

and she does tell her older son [he is 25?] not to talk to us, and i think she blackmails him with money or lack there of to not talk to us...

sometimes, you just accept folks for who they are, and let them live there life how they want to. 

you have a new family, adopt or be a foster mom, help out at a local shelter...do something else to help others in their lives, start new traditions with your new family.

you want your mom to be a certain way just like she wants you to be a certain way...you either have to go and make peace with her or cut it all off and live how you want.

it will be hard to make peace with her, because moms can push those buttons...but if you dont feed into her drama and really be ok with her being the best her she can be...

you dont live with her, you have a wonderful husband who loves you for you...that is worth everything...i think your mom is secretly happy for you, but she is angry at her life. 

she dosent know any other way of expressing herself than anger. you just have to let it roll off your sholders..water off a ducks back...shake it off, and my fav..rise above your raiseing.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Turnera, I am already in therapy. My gripe was NEVER about my husband, it was about not having the wedding.
Interestingly, my therapist often comments on how open my husband and I are with each other. 
Walls will be put up against people who insult me or make negative and unfounded comments about my marriage or my husband!
Perhaps you may want to look at where the hostility comes from. Implying that my husband doesn't care about me or that I don't know who I am is uncalled for. 
My childhood has nothing to do with refusing to allow you to put me or my husband down. I don't owe you any explanations, nor do I think you are important enough to prove things to.
One of the first things you will learn about relating to others is nobody appreciates aggression.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You want something. He doesn't. You gave up what you wanted because he didn't want it. Isn't that why you came here?


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> I settled for a small cheap elopement, because we had no money for a real wedding.What is a 'real' wedding? Seriously, you got married didn't you? That is a 'real
> wedding. Personally I find the amount of money some couples spend on weddings now days ridiculousness, it's all for show to impress people and not about how much they love each other My parents were offering pay, on the condition that my mother plan everything. So your mother has control issues, my parents helped pay for my wedding, but it was all my choice, they wanted me to be happy.When it was my daughter's turn to get married I helped her plan but it was her choice about everything in the end. You know what is really sad? Planning a wedding with your daughter can be a very special experience for both the mother and daughter. Your mother didn't only take away your wedding, she took away something from her self also and she doesn't even know it. When you spend so much effort trying to control other people you make yourself just as unhappy as you do the other people, I am convinced of this. In a way you should feel sorry for your mother, because unless she makes some serious changes she will never know what it is like to be truly loved by her own children. I did not like the idea of having a huge wedding I didn't want, so I couldn't accept that offer. Good for you for standing up for yourself
> We wanted a small affair of between 30-80 people. My extended family, along with my immediate family, constantly needled us because it was too small.Is you family really materialistic and 'show offs'?  We were expected to have 170 guests with a bridal party of four on each side. My mother even wanted to choose who would be in my wedding. Of all the f***ing nerve!Ugh, control issues again, wasn't this suppose to be YOUR wedding?
> In any case, all we could afford was a ceremony outside, with four guests. It was beautiful, but it wasn't enough. We had already been engaged for two years and we just wanted to get married.And that is what counts in the end, that you are together, personally I like outdoor weddings
> ...


Your mother is some piece of work, but I agree with another poster that maybe this isn't so much about the lack of a big wedding as it is about you mother's controlling ways. Maybe you should work on your issues with you mother. If you are not already (sorry I haven't read all the posts here yet) Have you been to counseling? Your mother sounds very toxic, is she still a big part of your life? Because I'm thinking it might be better for you in the long run if she wasn't. Does your husband know how you feel about the wedding? Maybe something can still be done about it.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

I refuse to discuss this issue with you any longer, Turnera. In the future, kindly refrain from approaching users with nasty comments. You will find that people will be more willing to engage you in conversation.
For no reason, you have insinuated that my husband doesn't care about me and gets everything his way. You also responded angrily to my reasonable request to be polite. I have no interest in communicating with you, because you are abrasive.
Marriage DOESN'T WORK if every issue becomes a power struggle. Partners have to compromise and not allow resentment to build just because they don't get their way all the time.
I posted my problem because I missed out on having a wedding-full stop. The helpful responses and talking to my therapist aided me in seeing a different perspective. This doesn't seem okay with you, but your opinion means nothing to me because it's coming from an an angry and bullying place.
You tend to misread what I write. We could not afford a larger wedding the first time. It had NOTHING to do with Mr.G not wanting it! He did not want a second one, Turnera. 
TAM is a very supportive and caring community. Thank you to those who read my post properly and did not post rambling, made up nonsense about my marriage. Your responses were much appreciated!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

properly...lol


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> Turnera, nobody ever gets married thinking that they will divorce. It happens all the time, though. Nothing is ever certain, not even marriage. The point I made is that "happily ever after" doesn't exist.


It just takes one to disprove a doesn't exist. My parents lived happily ever after until death did them part. My in-laws are living it. You can tell me I can't really know, but you are wrong. We are living it.

Most people think it is all about twoo nub. It takes SKILL and education. But it can be done and definitely exists.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> Sisters, you may be on to something. I only chuck advice if it is given in a disrespectful manner.
> I agree that I am bitter; don't understand why she insists on being so difficult. I don't want to end up 40 years old and still pissed off.
> It's not my husband's fault that my parents are childish and controlling. He does what he can for us.
> When we discuss this, I make sure not to blame him for not being able to give me a wedding, like other husband's I know. I just tell him how I feel.
> ...


Traditionally husbands don't give their wives weddings. Traditionally parents might, but as you witnessed, that often comes with strings that bind too tight.

I think from this reply and your OP that you made a decision that perhaps you are not happy with. Life does not always offer us perfect choices. You could have chosen to wait and save for a bigger wedding, but then you have to wait to be married. You could have chosen to accept your parents' wedding, but then you get a wedding that MOM wants. 

This is what my husband calls an opportunity for personal growth. Accept that your choice did not offer all that you had hoped for and move on.

That said, there is nothing saying you cannot throw yourself a reception/party any old time you feel like it and celebrate your union in whatever way feels right to you.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

turnera said:


> Ok, well, then, this is one of the first things you're going to have to learn about being married.
> 
> When ONE partner gives up what they want to please the other partner....IT DOESN'T WORK!


Sure it can, all the time. Very, very often DH and I don't want the same things. We give in to each other all the time. I wanted to go to the beach for vacation. He did not. He decided to put on his big boy pants and enjoy it for my sake. Next year we will go west to ski. 

I hate chili. We are having chili tomorrow night because he loves it. 

The problem arises when you start compromising your core values. We had the marriage that *I* wanted because it was not one of his core values to have a casual wedding. His preference, not a core value. 

We remaining living where we live because it IS core to his happiness despite years ago my wanting to live closer to my family.

etcetera.



> Why? Because the one who gave up starts resenting the one who got what he wanted.


I wonder what your view on the idea that we have control over our emotions. I truly believe that we can simply chose not to be resentful. Time to put my big girl panties on and get over it kind of thing. (Used big person pants twice in one thread!)

As I said, there are things that are core. If he suddenly decided to become an evangelical christian, wow that would be tough. But (for ME) a wedding is a day. That one would be easy.



> The one key here is COMMUNICATION.
> 
> Is he aware of how desperately you want it?
> 
> If so, does he CARE?


He certainly can't do anything about it if she hides the information thinking that sharing info is about force.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

turnera said:


> Oh, sorry. I forgot that the main reason for giving advice was to be polite, not to suggest things that _work_.


LOL! It is interesting to see people grip their views like they are holding a life raft after the sinking of the titanic. I did not see your post as insulting at all, for the record, lest you are feeling abused.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> He certainly can't do anything about it if she hides the information thinking that sharing info is about force.


We agree! I think. lol


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> LOL! It is interesting to see people grip their views like they are holding a life raft after the sinking of the titanic. I did not see your post as insulting at all, for the record, lest you are feeling abused.


 Nope. Never do.

fwiw, I was in MrsG's position a few years ago, having first come to a forum, not getting the answers I wanted, and pushing back for all I was worth at the posters who gave their time to try to help me to see another side to my issue. They finally wore me out, lol, and I decided to actually open my mind to consider if they had valuable advice that I had just stubbornly refused to consider. They did. I learned. I improved. And I'm grateful they stuck with me, even when I wasn't very nice to them. That was a great learning period for me, and it changed my life completely.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

For the record, my husband was well aware of what my views were. Turnera made an incorrect assumption and chose to take it as fact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Actually, I believe I was asking you whether you had indeed made your feelings clear. And stressed the need for open communication, if not.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

turnera said:


> Nope. Never do.
> 
> fwiw, I was in MrsG's position a few years ago, having first come to a forum, not getting the answers I wanted, and pushing back for all I was worth at the posters who gave their time to try to help me to see another side to my issue. They finally wore me out, lol, and I decided to actually open my mind to consider if they had valuable advice that I had just stubbornly refused to consider. They did. I learned. I improved. And I'm grateful they stuck with me, even when I wasn't very nice to them. That was a great learning period for me, and it changed my life completely.


Amen, sister. Exact same story, different forum.


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## FaithHopeLove (Apr 21, 2011)

My Mom has been doing an amazing job of planning my wedding to my fiance--- I have no regrets of letting her plan and design each part of the wedding. She was kind enough to allow my FH and I to choose our wedding party, but I can completely understand why you and your husband decided to do things your own way: this is YOUR wedding and not your Mom's. Based on the facts that you gave in the opening post (I'm sorry I didn't read through all 5 pages of this thread), I would have made the same choice: have an elopement compared to a large wedding. 

I would continue to try to reach out to your family--- send a letter, an email, make a phone call. It's a shame that your whole family will not speak to you because of one lady being mad at you. While this may seem completely impossible, try to do what you can to forgive your Mom. I can't imagine why any mother would behave like this but sometimes the best thing you can do is to forgive and forget. I hope one day you can mend your differences between yourself and your Mom-- for your sake and for the sake of your family.

As for wanting a big wedding, what purpose will it really serve to try to do it over? I'd save the money for something more important than trying to redo something that is already done. No regrets: you are your husband's wife. Celebrate that every day!

I'd personally opt for a small renewing of vows ceremony (I would invite my Mom and my whole family to it--- if they don't show, its on their hearts) and then use most of the money I've saved up for a wonderful vacation with my hubby.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

*Getting over it!*

I know that I'm getting over my regret. Normally, watching someone else have a large wedding would have made me cry. Now I can just be happy for the couple. :smthumbup:


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## tiredofthis31 (Apr 30, 2011)

I am really not the person to give advice. We have problems to deal with in our relationship but don't worry so much about the past. We had a wonderful small wedding. We used my parents farm and rented a white tent. Sure I have all the pictures, but my favorite memories are not my dress or how many people were there (I can't even tell you what we ate at the reception.) We had everything under the tent. After the wedding we put tables up for reception, after that we put wood down for a dance floor. 

My favorite part is that it rainned for 7 days before the wedding. OMG it was a mess but it cleared up and I just remember my dad with the shop vac , vacuuming water out of the grass (because there was a big water hole where I was suppose to walk down the isle. And no one had programs because my mom didn't realize how long they would take to print (she made them on the computer) so they were printing as we were getting married  

What I'm trying to get across is that it's not the wedding itself that is important. It's the feeling you have when your walking down that isle and your marring the man you love. 


That moment is it. 
Everything else is just frosting on the cake, and beleive me if the frosting is not made right or if there's too much you just scrape it off to the side anyway 

Always keep a positive mind, which is hard sometimes. And don't give up on the happy ever after! Just remember your happy ever after is different from everyone else's. Don't compare your life to others. Just be happy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

We had as nice a wedding as we could afford, but what really matters, 31 years later, are the memories of the REAL things.

Everyone got ready at our house, and the plumbing backed up so no one could take a bath!

It rained, so my wedding dress got soaked.

My Evil Stepmother came into the ready room at church and literally shooed my mom and best friend out of the room so SHE could fix my makeup, etc., and I'll carry that shame - that I didn't stand up to her and I helped rob my mom and best friend of their moments - for the rest of my life.

The people we chose for best men, etc., we ended up never seeing again, after the first 5 years. Family...still around.

At reception, at our house cos it was all we could afford (my dad, Evil Stepmother's husband, couldn't be bothered to help pay for the wedding), most of our friends showed up late cos they had to work, and half of them were Black. Evil Stepmother answered the door at one point, and shut the door in our friends' faces, turned around, and said 'there's a colored person at the door.'

Oh, and the coupe de grace (sp?) - the girl who caught my silk-flower wedding bouquet refused to give it back to me. I even followed her down the street, asking for it, and she refused. I never saw her again, the rest of my life. But I spent the next 31 years wishing I still had my bouquet.


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## lunalady (Aug 11, 2010)

We had a big wedding (by my standards). The wedding itself was a success, however in the evening at the party, things went a bit wrong. We have many customs in my country, one of them is that the friends "steal the bride" and the groom has to search for her. After that was over, my husband's friends decided to steal him, too (which is not custom at all). I am a very emotional creature and I got really upset (because I wanted to spend the evening with my husband, too! it was our evening after all) and I almost ruined the evening for everyone, including myself. I wish I could forget that part, but hey life's not perfect...


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## marriage101 (May 1, 2011)

I totally understand and feel where you are coming from OP. We eloped bc we didnt want to wait and could not afford it. I am bitter about it also but my H and I are planning to go to Hawaii and renew our vows with the kids in a few years I just missed out on my dress and professional pictures.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

marriage101 said:


> I totally understand and feel where you are coming from OP. We eloped bc we didnt want to wait and could not afford it. I am bitter about it also but my H and I are planning to go to Hawaii and renew our vows with the kids in a few years I just missed out on my dress and professional pictures.


At least you had a lovely location, like we did! We chose Northern Ontario in the fall-perfectly picturesque.

I still had important elements, which was great. When you have a small wedding, you have the freedom to pay more for whatever is important to you. I had a beautiful dress from a designer that has been around for 50 years. We had gorgeous flowers that everyone complimented, as well as professional pictures and a DVD. Since everyone wasn't there, we wanted the memories well captured. Instead of a tux, my husband bought himself a well cut, Hugo Boss suit. 

I'm trying to look on the bright side, instead of regretting what could have been. I married a wonderful man and our honeymoon was great.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We eloped in tshirts and jeans at a courthouse on a windy Wednesday afternoon. We went to TGIFridays after.

Sometimes I regret it because my Dad wasn't there, but then I think about how all I really wanted was to be married to my husband and at the end of the day if you have a big expensive wedding or a cheap quick one, you are just as married. It's what happens after the wedding that makes a marriage and that's what is more important.

Give yourself time to mourn the wedding you wanted, but put an expiration date on that grief. Focus on what's important and that isn't being a bride, it's being a wife. A wedding is only one day, but you'll be his wife for the rest of your life. That's the most important thing.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Your wedding sounds like Sarah Palin's. :smthumbup: She and Todd married at a courthouse and then went to Wendy's.

My mother told me that our marriage would fail because neither set of parents were there. I never wanted my mother at my wedding because she likes to cause embarrassing scenes. Sadly, my father would not come on his own.

I was going to get married at the courthouse, but I didn't like the surroundings. My wedding was gorgeous for what it was.

I'll get over it completely one day. I'm already making progress.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> Your wedding sounds like Sarah Palin's. :smthumbup: She and Todd married at a courthouse and then went to Wendy's.
> 
> My mother told me that our marriage would fail because neither set of parents were there. I never wanted my mother at my wedding because she likes to cause embarrassing scenes. Sadly, my father would not come on his own.
> 
> ...


Your wedding setting was beautiful! I wish I had that. 

Your mother is evil for saying that. I hate this kind of mothers. Instead of wishing for the good things for her children, she wishes bad things to happen to her. I met a woman like that before, after she wished bad things to happen to her daughter, I lost all my respect for her. Mothers shouldn't wish bad things to happen to her children even though they had been rebellious. 

My mother was always there for me during my rebellious teenage years, I knew that I caused my mother a lot of sleepless nights. that's why I am so thankful towards her, that's why I am doing my best to provide for her old age.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Mrs.G said:


> Your wedding sounds like Sarah Palin's. :smthumbup: She and Todd married at a courthouse and then went to Wendy's.
> 
> My mother told me that our marriage would fail because neither set of parents were there. I never wanted my mother at my wedding because she likes to cause embarrassing scenes. Sadly, my father would not come on his own.
> 
> ...



Yeah, that's pretty much how it was. My family didn't want me to marry my husband so I didn't have much of their support. Afterwards they all felt terrible that they weren't there, but they didn't suppport us anyway so. . . 

I didn't have much regret over eloping, but I did have a ton of regret for having a csection. My first born son came into the world and neither I nor my husband witnessed it. They had to knock me out so they wouldn't allow my husband in the room. I mourned that experience for years! 

But now, my son will start Kindergarten in September and it doesn't really matter to me how he came into the world; just that he is here. Things don't always turn out the way you plan. I once read that you have to give up the life you have planned in order to receive the life that is waiting for you.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Your wedding setting was beautiful! I wish I had that.
> 
> Your mother is evil for saying that. I hate this kind of mothers. Instead of wishing for the good things for her children, she wishes bad things to happen to her. I met a woman like that before, after she wished bad things to happen to her daughter, I lost all my respect for her. Mothers shouldn't wish bad things to happen to her children even though they had been rebellious.
> 
> My mother was always there for me during my rebellious teenage years, I knew that I caused my mother a lot of sleepless nights. that's why I am so thankful towards her, that's why I am doing my best to provide for her old age.


I cannot comprehend, how a woman can carry her child for nine months, yet hate them so. :scratchhead: Put me right off of having children of my own.

I wasn't even rebellious! I did well in school and didn't even lose my virginity until I was 18...very late for my generation. I was the slave in the house and I did my job well....cleaned and washed clothes all the time. Yet I was still "lazy" "a hore" "ugly"...you name it. The funny thing is, she misses me terribly now. I cannot allow myself to be hurt anymore by that woman. She has done irreparable damage to my mind and tried to drive a wedge between Mr.G and I...always tried to ruin my relationships.

I try to feel bad for her and include her in my prayers. She's a very lonely woman now.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

themrs said:


> Yeah, that's pretty much how it was. My family didn't want me to marry my husband so I didn't have much of their support. Afterwards they all felt terrible that they weren't there, but they didn't suppport us anyway so. . .
> 
> I didn't have much regret over eloping, but I did have a ton of regret for having a csection. My first born son came into the world and neither I nor my husband witnessed it. They had to knock me out so they wouldn't allow my husband in the room. I mourned that experience for years!
> 
> But now, my son will start Kindergarten in September and it doesn't really matter to me how he came into the world; just that he is here. Things don't always turn out the way you plan. I once read that you have to give up the life you have planned in order to receive the life that is waiting for you.


Why didn't they support you?
My in laws support us so much. I am very blessed.
I don't know anything about birth, so I cannot speak to your regret. I am glad you feel better about how your son came into this world. :smthumbup:

"Life is what happens when you're making other plans". My husband was a pleasant surprise, I never thought I would get married.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Mrs.G said:


> Why didn't they support you?
> My in laws support us so much. I am very blessed.
> I don't know anything about birth, so I cannot speak to your regret. I am glad you feel better about how your son came into this world. :smthumbup:
> 
> "Life is what happens when you're making other plans". My husband was a pleasant surprise, I never thought I would get married.


My inlaws supported us, just not MY parents. They didn't support us because DH and I were HS sweethearts and DH did a lot of stupid things to me that teenagers do when they are growing up and learning how to be in a relationship. They never thought we'd make it this far, but we're 6 months to our 7th anniversary and have 4 kids, so far we've proved them wrong!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> She's a very lonely woman now.


I am not surprised!

A person who doesn't respect others doesn't get respect from others. 

A person who wants to control others can't control anybody not even herself.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

themrs said:


> My inlaws supported us, just not MY parents. They didn't support us because DH and I were HS sweethearts and DH did a lot of stupid things to me that teenagers do when they are growing up and learning how to be in a relationship. They never thought we'd make it this far, but we're 6 months to our 7th anniversary and have 4 kids, so far we've proved them wrong!


:wtf: It has been seven years! Surely they can get past some high school nonsense.


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## FaithHopeLove (Apr 21, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> Your wedding sounds like Sarah Palin's. :smthumbup: She and Todd married at a courthouse and then went to Wendy's.
> 
> My mother told me that our marriage would fail because neither set of parents were there. I never wanted my mother at my wedding because she likes to cause embarrassing scenes. Sadly, my father would not come on his own.
> 
> ...


Glad to hear that you are being able to get on after the wedding. 

Just throwing my life story into the bucket: My parents out right hated my fiance-- various reasons, some were good reasons and others were stupid (such as that he's shorter than me (by a bit, but I'm 6') so he can't be a good husband to me :rofl: ). We dated for a little over 4 years and suddenly my Mom had a change of heart (she once told me she'd disown me if I married him) and when my fiance went to talk to my parents Mom helped him along with asking my Dad (fiance was terrified and my Dad just sorta gave in--- more for me and my happiness than anything else I think). But at that time I was willing to go ahead without my parents' blessing as painful as that would be for me (I adore my parents). 

His parents adore me, so we would have least have had their support. They had two sons so they're excited to finally have a daughter. Only shame is that they live a long ways away from us. 

But regardless it should be about the love between two people--- I wish families would be more willing to come together for the sake of their loved ones loving each other, but that's life sometimes. 

If this lady is truly mean-spirited, its good that you stay away. My Mom up until she decided to change herself was behaving like that in some ways and I was going to walk away because of how badly she hurt me. Thankfully we're over that and I am so very blessed to have her in my life still and helping me with all the wedding planning.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Mrs.G said:


> :wtf: It has been seven years! Surely they can get past some high school nonsense.


Oh, they LOVE him now. They think he's the best son in law ever. Giving them some gorgeous grandkids helped out in that department!


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

themrs said:


> Oh, they LOVE him now. They think he's the best son in law ever. Giving them some gorgeous grandkids helped out in that department!


Great, I'm glad. 
My dad has a lot of respect for my husband, because he asked for my hand and married me. Daddy is old fashioned.
However, my mother is the boss. If she wants to cause strife, my father will always allow this.
It's nice to be free of them. :smthumbup:


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