# Wife won't let it go



## Ostera

My wife and I seperated last September. She basically stated that she didn't want anything to do with me ever again..

At the beginning of January I had a ONS with someone she knows (they aren't really 'friends' but we have mutual friends that know her).

Anyway, about a week after this my wife wanted to R with me. I told her what had happened because I didn't want anyone else telling her and thinking I was trying to hide it..

This has come up ever since. When she gets mad at me she saying things like, "You need to go be with _____." " I know you love her. " "You would be better off with her. " etc.

I know that she says this because she is jealous and hurt.. But I keep telling that she threw me away and what was I suppose to do? Sit back like a hermit?

Meanwhile she went out on dates but swears she did not sleep with them.. I believe this because my wife isn't a jump in bed type until she know them better.

She can't get past the fact I slept with this woman. Especiallly since we don't really have anything in common.. I was drunk and she wanted to get laid... so I did it. 

My problem is she won't let it go... and we just go in circles on this issue...

Any advise on how to deal with this until she can let it pass?


----------



## CantSitStill

She is never going to forget it..forgetting it would be rugsweeping and rugsweeping means not facing and dealing with it. This is the consequence for what you did. Infidelity is the worse thing you could do to your spouse. I'm sorry but think about how she feels.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ostera

CantSitStill said:


> She is never going to forget it..forgetting it would be rugsweeping and rugsweeping means not facing and dealing with it. This is the consequence for what you did. Infidelity is the worse thing you could do to your spouse. I'm sorry but think about how she feels.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Let me restate what I originally wrote.. she told me she never wanted to have anything to do with me ever again when she left...

I tried for 3 months and she kept pushing me away...

So you are saying I should have sat back and 'waited' for someone who made it cleas she DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME???

Really?


----------



## Ostera

I am thinking about how she feels... We have talked about this in MC... I am just wondering how to deal with it when she brings it up.

I didn't do this to hurt her.. She wasn't and hadn't been part of my life for 4 months... 

Then she initiated contact and because I do still love her I was willing to R.

We are actually doing good for the most part and MC has been a blessing because we have a really good therapist...

But this particular thing keep rearing it's ugly head..


----------



## CantSitStill

It is hard, I know it hurts when the BS brings up the A. I wish it was that simple for them to forget but sadly they never will. I am also a WS and boy have we been thru hell since. I hate what I did to him..hate it. But as for getting over it, it really doesn't work that way. If someone rugsweeps it then they hold in a ton of resentment instead of working together on bettering their marriage. I did not mean to offend you earlier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantSitStill

I am sorry if I seemed harsh on you, I know you're looking for answers. It's just that when she brings it up she needs to talk about it. You need to reassure her how sorry you are and how much you love her and show her you are committed to her. She may or may not be able to R. My husband changes his mind still 14 yrs later. He still has days where he says he don't know if we belong together when the day before he would tell me he loves me and isn't gonna leave me. It's a rollercoaster of emotion. I just do my best to tell him and show him I am not giving up on us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantSitStill

ooops meant 14 months not years
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## terrence4159

ok ostera i am on your side, she dumped you pushed you away and is mad about what you did. i agree with you. you did nothing wrong. i hate cheaters dont get me wrong but you DIDNT cheat you were finished with your relationship she made that clear.


----------



## tacoma

CantSitStill said:


> She is never going to forget it..forgetting it would be rugsweeping and rugsweeping means not facing and dealing with it. This is the consequence for what you did. Infidelity is the worse thing you could do to your spouse. I'm sorry but think about how she feels.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't see any infidelity here.


----------



## tacoma

CantSitStill said:


> It is hard, I know it hurts when the BS brings up the A. I wish it was that simple for them to forget but sadly they never will. I am also a WS and boy have we been thru hell since. I hate what I did to him..hate it. But as for getting over it, it really doesn't work that way. If someone rugsweeps it then they hold in a ton of resentment instead of working together on bettering their marriage. I did not mean to offend you earlier.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is no BS or A here.

I'm pretty sure there's no rug sweeping either.

Are we reading the same thread?


----------



## CantSitStill

ok then I must've misunderstood
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tacoma

CantSitStill said:


> You need to reassure her how sorry you are ....


Why?
Sorry for what?


----------



## CantSitStill

from what I read he had a one night stand with a mutual friend
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## terrence4159

after he was kicked out and told they were done than 4 months later he sleep with the ons. where is the cheating?


----------



## CantSitStill

thought she kicked him out after the ONS
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tacoma

CantSitStill said:


> thought she kicked him out after the ONS
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, yeah that's the disconnect I was having.

That would have changed my thoughts entirely too.


----------



## tacoma

When things are calm and you talk about this ONS is she rational then?
Does she just say these things when angered or upset or is she starting to become abusive in the frequency and tone in which she brings it up for no reason?


----------



## GTdad

Ostera, in previous threads you've described some pretty crzy-making behaviors, including your belief that she's a BPD'er (which based on the evidence, I'd certainly not dispute).

Point being, there may well not be a way for you to "successfully" deal with this issue.


----------



## the guy

From what I read his wife dumbed him and instead of throwing a pity party he dusted him self off and when and got laid.

Most likely she already knew you got laid and got jealous.

Maybe if you still were having a pity party for your self and were calling your wife a thousand time a day begging for the marriage she still would be gone....maybe not.

Chances are she found out, but what ever the reason your wife came back....making you her plan B.

So now she has to deal with you moving on and having a ONS and you have to deal with being her Plan B.....so the next time she brings it up inform her that her plan B may not be any better then her plan A.

Tell her it is not your fault that her plan A didn't work out for her. If you can except being her plan B then why can't she?????

Your old lady is just pissed off that her plan A didn't work out and she is taking it out on you....I think all her crap has nothing to do with you having a ONS but the fact that she has to settle for plan B.

So her jealousy is more about her failure in her plan A and the fact that you moved on and didn't beg and cry for the marriage when she left you, instead you went out and lived your life with out your wife.

Again every time she throws this in your face tell her you are sorry that her plan A didn't work out when she dumped you.


----------



## CantSitStill

ooops wow I thought you cheated on your wife and that was why you seperated...I think I need a V8 today or something. sorry
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ostera

tacoma said:


> Ok, yeah that's the disconnect I was having.
> 
> That would have changed my thoughts entirely too.


She didn't kick me out.. we were having issues unrelated to infidelity or any type of A. She told me we were through and to move on.

So 4 months later I have a ONS with someone we both knew (an aquaintance).

AFTER that she made contact and wanted to R. THEN I disclosed what I had done becaue I did ot want someone we knew in our cirlce of friends to tell her.. I wanted her to hear it from me.


There is no infidelity here.. she just can't get past the fact I slept with someone even though for 4 months she didn't want anything to do with me.

Basically when she told me to get lost and move on... I did.

Now she is trying to hold me accountable for this... 

I didn't cheat.. she threw me away FIRST... then I had my ONS, 4 months AFTER she threw me away..


----------



## Ostera

tacoma said:


> When things are calm and you talk about this ONS is she rational then?
> Does she just say these things when angered or upset or is she starting to become abusive in the frequency and tone in which she brings it up for no reason?


She can be rational.. when she is calm. She will say things like she has no right to be mad at me because she did throw me away. She says her stubborness got the best of her.

When she is not being rational she tells me I should go be with the ONS and that I should be with the ONS and how much better off I would be.. blah, blah, blah..

She just vents and lets her emotions dominate her thinking... when she calms down I can eventually talk to her.

However, this has gone on since January... I think enough is enough... she left me and told me to move on.. 

I did, and now she is mad that I didn't turn into a hermit and be celabite

It think it borders on control... she was trying to punish me by not wanting me in her life.. when that backfired, she can't handle it .


----------



## tacoma

Ostera said:


> She can be rational.. when she is calm. She will say things like she has no right to be mad at me because she did throw me away. She says her stubborness got the best of her.
> 
> When she is not being rational she tells me I should go be with the ONS and that I should be with the ONS and how much better off I would be.. blah, blah, blah..
> 
> She just vents and lets her emotions dominate her thinking... when she calms down I can eventually talk to her.
> 
> However, this has gone on since January... I think enough is enough... she left me and told me to move on..
> 
> I did, and now she is mad that I didn't turn into a hermit and be celabite
> 
> It think it borders on control... she was trying to punish me by not wanting me in her life.. when that backfired, she can't handle it .


If you can't make her at least curb this behavior even though it's apparent she knows it's irrational I don't think there's much you can do.

Seems you can't tolerate it (don't blame you) so that kinda only leaves one option.


----------



## Ostera

tacoma said:


> If you can't make her at least curb this behavior even though it's apparent she knows it's irrational I don't think there's much you can do.
> 
> Seems you can't tolerate it (don't blame you) so that kinda only leaves one option.


Well, we are currently in MC for all the other issues we seem to have.. mostly it boils down to understanding the SO (communication).

We go every Saturday and this Saturday I will make sure this is a topic.


----------



## Catherine602

She abandoned you then you had a ONS believing that your marriage as done. Maybe you can help her to look at it this way - tell her you regret that she is hurt that you had a ONS, if you knew she would be hurt and that she wanted R, you would not have done it. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ostera

Catherine602 said:


> She abandoned you then you had a ONS believing that your marriage as done. If you are the bad guy for having a ONS, then she is the bad guy for not communicating effectively about the problems in your marriage. Instead she resorted to causing emotional pain.
> 
> I'd say you can work it out in MC. Try not to get into a discussion about who is responsible for what. Maybe just talk about your feelings - your hurt about being left and her hurt that you did not respond the way she expected. Don't say she is jealous that does not help. Don't be so sure she did not have sex too._Posted via Mobile Device_


That's her major issue... she says she didn't have sex and can't believe that I would go out and do it..

I view it as extremely hypocritical...


----------



## SadSamIAm

I can see my wife saying the same things. Don't really have any advice other than to just let her vent.

Maybe just say, "I will be faithful to you forever .... unless you break up with me again!"


----------



## Ostera

SadSamIAm said:


> I can see my wife saying the same things. Don't really have any advice other than to just let her vent.
> 
> Maybe just say, "I will be faithful to you forever .... unless you break up with me again!"


Sort of like the 'Friends' episode, "WE WERE ON A BREAK !!"

At this point I do let her vent... but twice a week gets old really quick... the conversation just goes in circles....


----------



## Conrad

Ostera said:


> That's her major issue... she says she didn't have sex and can't believe that I would go out and do it..
> 
> I view it as extremely hypocritical...


Like hell she didn't.

I was shocked you took her back.


----------



## SadSamIAm

Ostera said:


> Sort of like the 'Friends' episode, "WE WERE ON A BREAK !!"
> 
> At this point I do let her vent... but twice a week gets old really quick... the conversation just goes in circles....


Earlier you posted that when she is in a 'good mood', she will admit that she knows that you sleeping with this woman was as a result of her breaking up with you.

When this happens. Mention how you are tired of her throwing it in your face when she is not in a 'good mood'.

Tell her that when she throws this in your face, you are going to throw it right back at her. Then come up with a quick witted remark that you can use when she does this. Just say something like, "YOUR SEPARATION".


----------



## lifeistooshort

Here's another approach to this: you said your wife is not a jump into bed type person, so its my guess she views one nighters as trashy. Therefore she views what you did as trashy and that may have shifted her view of you. Not saying you're wrong, just trying to offer another explanation for what's going on. Shared values are quite important in a relationship. Try bringing that up in MC. On some level she knows its crazy but it still bothers her, and she doesn't fully understand why.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ostera

SadSamIAm said:


> Earlier you posted that when she is in a 'good mood', she will admit that she knows that you sleeping with this woman was as a result of her breaking up with you.
> 
> When this happens. Mention how you are tired of her throwing it in your face when she is not in a 'good mood'.
> 
> Tell her that when she throws this in your face, you are going to throw it right back at her. Then come up with a quick witted remark that you can use when she does this. Just say something like, "YOUR SEPARATION".


I do constantly remind her that SHE is the one who left the marriage, not me.


----------



## Ostera

Conrad said:


> Like hell she didn't.
> 
> I was shocked you took her back.


Conrad, I knew you would be... I love her and have made that clear from the beginning..


----------



## Ostera

lifeistooshort said:


> Here's another approach to this: you said your wife is not a jump into bed type person, so its my guess she views one nighters as trashy. Therefore she views what you did as trashy and that may have shifted her view of you. Not saying you're wrong, just trying to offer another explanation for what's going on. Shared values are quite important in a relationship. Try bringing that up in MC. On some level she knows its crazy but it still bothers her, and she doesn't fully understand why.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good assessment.

She isn't a ONS person.. she's old fashion wanting to be courted, etc.. then she'll sleep with you.

it bothers her a lot that that I slept with someone she knows...But they don't even talk unless we happen to show up at the same place..


----------



## CantSitStill

I really think that if she is going to constantly use that against you then you will be miserable. She decided she wanted to seperate well she is now trying to control you. Maybe it's just not worth it to stay with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acoa

What I'm reading here.. Wife kicks him out and says never come back. a few months later he sleeps with a mutual aquaintance. A week later wife asks him back. He accepts, and tells her about the ONS he had while they were seperated.

If the divorce papers were not served yet, I guess this would technically count as cheating. But I'd say it's only a technicallity. If you felt that the marriage was over, you were not living at home and were starting to move on with a new life I don't think what you did really counts as cheating.

That said, your wife is going to feel like you did cheat. Seeing as she pushed out out, then called you back it's safe to assume she was not a committed to ending the marraige as she tried to make you believe. Maybe she was trying to get you to 'fight for her'? Just a thought. My wife tried that a few times early in our relationship and I had to put that down. 

It's going to come up, over and over again. Probably when she is feeling the most vunerable. Only you can decide if you can deal with that. Demanding that she stop bringing it up will likely have a negative reaction. Maybe she will hold it in better, but when it surfaces it will be more raw and emotional. Maybe bring it up on occasion before she does. Tell her that you regret that it happened and if you thought there was a chance she was going to ask you back to work on R that you would have never done it. Feel bad about it with her that it happened.


----------



## InOverMyHeart

Ostera, the thing about R is dealing with all we did while we were separated. We can agree to forgive, but we are all human. She is hurt and probably feels vulnerable. I am going thru something similiar with my H. We haven't completely R yet, but we are working thru a terrible situation. I have to continuously grow up and realize my part in his decisions and he continuously has to comfort me. But that's what its about right? Marriage isn't perfect, it isn't pretty, but we do love our spouses or we would not agree on reconciliation right. I pray for you and your wife. Hopefully she can look in the mirror one day. 

As for you, well, 'YOU WERE ON A BREAK'. A little laughter goes a long way~


----------



## Dadwithtwolittlegirls

My wife cheated ( I know it's not the same) in our first year of marriage (14 years ago) with my brother. It is still in my mind. ... the thought of her touching another man in a way that was reserved only for me is a thorn in my side.

I forgive my wife but not him. At some point she will forgive you and shift her anger on to her.. I guarantee it.

I do throw it in her face during extremely heated arguments.. I regret it. Last week I said " you would lay him , then come home and lay me" That sent her running out of the room crying. I felt awful.

Ask her when she says it... " Are you mad at me.. her or yourself for putting me in that situation"

Her avoidance of the other person shows her hate is not just at you.

Was the ONS in a relationship? What stopped it from continuing after the ONS?


----------



## Ostera

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> My wife cheated ( I know it's not the same) in our first year of marriage (14 years ago) with my brother. It is still in my mind. ... the thought of her touching another man in a way that was reserved only for me is a thorn in my side.
> 
> I forgive my wife but not him. At some point she will forgive you and shift her anger on to her.. I guarantee it.
> 
> I do throw it in her face during extremely heated arguments.. I regret it. Last week I said " you would lay him , then come home and lay me" That sent her running out of the room crying. I felt awful.
> 
> Ask her when she says it... " Are you mad at me.. her or yourself for putting me in that situation"
> 
> Her avoidance of the other person shows her hate is not just at you.
> 
> Was the ONS in a relationship? What stopped it from continuing after the ONS?



The ONS was in the final stages of divorce (approx two weeks before it was final). What stopped it was two reasons, the ONS and myself knew it wouldn't go anywhere.. she wanted some, and so did I... the additional reason was my wife called the day after the ONS and wanted to work things out (we had been seperated 4 months at that point).

UPDATE: She hasn't brought up OW for over 2 weeks now.. I think the counseling is helping with this also.


----------



## Dadwithtwolittlegirls

That is some timing... if she was only one day earlier this wouldn't be an issue. Are you sure she didn't find out from someone then called?

My wanted reconciliation right as we walked out of court the third time. She say the writing on the wall.. maybe yours did too..


----------

