# Worrying about my ex.



## TNC (Dec 28, 2015)

My husband and I have been separated for 9 months. It is going fairly well considering what a big change it is. We have two children, ages 9 and 5, they are doing good. 

My problem is, I worry about my ex. I never relax because I'm always waiting for him to text me something mean or sad. When he has the kids I'm worried he is mopey and they see him sad all the time. We share the kids 50/50 and he's a great dad, but he doesn't want this separation or divorce and he isn't moving on. I feel like he is as sad today as he was the day I left. 

I don't worry or care in a loving way, I worry about him the way I worry about my brother. And I'm also selfish because I think I really only want him happy and content so that I can relax. 

I'm not really sure where I'm even going with this. I just wonder if I will ever get to a point where I'm not worried about a grown man who really isn't my "problem" anymore. 

Has anyone been through anything like this?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

TNC said:


> My husband and I have been separated for 9 months. It is going fairly well considering what a big change it is. We have two children, ages 9 and 5, they are doing good.
> 
> My problem is, I worry about my ex. I never relax because I'm always waiting for him to text me something mean or sad. When he has the kids I'm worried he is mopey and they see him sad all the time. We share the kids 50/50 and he's a great dad, but he doesn't want this separation or divorce and he isn't moving on. I feel like he is as sad today as he was the day I left.
> 
> ...


He is your ex, stop worrying about him. Not your circus, not your monkey. 

My ex made a series of bad choices after we separated. Sure, I worried about the impact on my kids. I did what I could including getting them into counselling. The therapist helped them develop tools to deal with their mother. Including a firm understanding that they are not responsible for her happiness. 

Focus on your kids, and making sure they grow up having the tools to deal with their dad's depression.


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## TNC (Dec 28, 2015)

Acoa said:


> He is your ex, stop worrying about him. Not your circus, not your monkey.
> 
> My ex made a series of bad choices after we separated. Sure, I worried about the impact on my kids. I did what I could including getting them into counselling. The therapist helped them develop tools to deal with their mother. Including a firm understanding that they are not responsible for her happiness.
> 
> Focus on your kids, and making sure they grow up having the tools to deal with their dad's depression.


This is what my friends tell me too, I just can't seem to help but worry. I don't know how to stop. Going into this holiday weekend I have plans with the kids and I just picture him home alone and sad and depressed and he will drink and start texting me. I just wish he could find a way to be happy. He won't go to counseling. I feel like all my energy is spent worrying about him. And I know it's not my problem. He can go out and do stuff, he has friends, but he chooses not to. 

You would think it would be so easy to just not care, but I do. Ugh.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You may have an easier time with this if you don't respond when he reaches out. You need to cut contact to where it is about the children only. Everything else you let go unanswered, if you stop engaging, eventually he will stop trying. 

Also, if you haven't done so, file for divorce. Once your divorce is final, that will also help you with moving past this.


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## Jay83 (Jun 10, 2016)

I understand your concern but to some a divorce is like a death in the family, and sometimes it could take them years to get over but eventually they will. It might not seem like it now.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

You need to block his number when you have the kids. He has no reason to be contacting you. Then if you don't know, you won't reply, and won't feel bad.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You can worry about him or not that is up to you, but it will do you no good. You can't make it better for him unless he moves back into the house and you make him a third child, which obviously is not a good idea. He is grieving the loss of the relationship, let him do so. Treat him with the respect due to the father of your children, but don't pay him special attention. Do not contact or respond unless it is about a legal or child care issue, mothering him will do him more harm than good. Spend your time and energy with your children, career, family, church, hobbies and let his life be his business.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

TNC said:


> My husband and I have been separated for 9 months. It is going fairly well


No it's not.

If you worry about him and you still have concern for him, you're still rather emotionally attached to him and therefore..at best..highly ambivalent about your separation...but I'd guess not really wanting this. Usually, the adjustment is decompressing from the stress and conflict, and adjusting to the changes of being on your own. Not about guilt or caring about your spouse, that indicates the adjustment isn't about the life change, but about the actual emotional separation and how you experience it..which for you,is not too good. 

Have you been to therapy..both for yourself to sort this out, and with him to address the larger issues? That would seem like the next logical step given your ambivalence.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

TNC said:


> I don't worry or care in a loving way, I worry about him the way I worry about my brother.


You don't love or care about your brother?

I only worry about people I care about. I do not understand how it can be any other way.

But here is an interesting article on the other side: 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-myth-stress/201005/why-worrying-isnt-sign-love


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Why did you guys separate?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

TNC said:


> *My husband and I have been separated for 9 months.* It is going fairly well considering what a big change it is. We have two children, ages 9 and 5, they are doing good.
> 
> My problem is, I worry about my ex. I never relax because I'm always waiting for him to text me something mean or sad. When he has the kids I'm worried he is mopey and they see him sad all the time. We share the kids 50/50 and he's a great dad, but he doesn't want this separation or divorce and he isn't moving on. I feel like he is as sad today as he was the day I left.
> 
> ...


How is it 9 months ? You were still together after Christmas last year until the end of the year. Assuming you moved out in January, it would be 7 months wouldn't it ?

In your last thread you said he was a good person in small bursts but was a manipulator ? In what sense ? What was the reason you wanted to leave ? Maybe that is still playing on your mind ? Have you found someone else ?


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## TNC (Dec 28, 2015)

I first left and moved in with my mom last September, and then the holiday's came and I moved back to the house. I signed a lease on an apartment in January and we have lived apart full time since then.

It isn't that he is a bad person (to answer a previous question), but he is extremely selfish, and still is. We had a really great relationship before we had children, but after the kids, it was very clear that I was pretty much on my own. My entire world changed and his did not. It was never one or two events that led to the unraveling, but more like little by little until I couldn't even muster up any energy to like him, let alone want to be intimate. 

We parented very well together, but it was a roommate relationship, and he wanted more. But I just lost all romantic feelings for him. He was another child and chore. 

I think I struggle wondering if that was a good enough reason to leave. 

I'm kind of all over the place, clearly.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

Oh man.. I am the same way. I'm not as far along in my separation as you are. But, I get the struggle. Especially when the parenting dynamic is such a good fit, I'm so desperate to keep good relations with my stbx.
It's sad for everyone involved. Sometimes I'm the strong one, telling him to keep it together... sometimes, I'm alone in the bathroom balling my eyes out.

I think this whole journey is a process. and if it's really the direction you want to go, just keep redirecting your thoughts away from him.. don't give into his requests for reassurance. He needs to learn to be okay on his own. He will, eventually.

But, I just wanted to tell you, you're not alone in this feeling. I still worry about my x too. I know he's very sad and hurt and angry. I wish I could make it better... but it's not fair for me to do that for him.. it's mixed signals, and it'll make him think there's a chance to fix things, when in reality, it's just over.

I (we) have to allow them to go through their own journey.. *hugs*


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