# Any ways to STOP a divorce?



## remmons

Wy wife has just filed for a divorce. I am looking for tips and/or advice to try to stop it. I love my wife very much, and I feel that she is not making her decisions with a clear head (this is what her brother and a few of the Church members are saying).

I am not abusive, I am not a drinker, I have recently been Baptised. I have taken in her kids as though they were my own (even she will admit that I was a good father to them).

What started this was my wife had allowed her 14 YO daughter to date a 22 YO man. Plus I discovered soon afterwards that my wife had an EA (which started out innocently), and I confronted her about these things. She got really angry when I told her that I found out. Words were said that I wish that I could take them all back.

Her (family) history is one that if the going gets tough, divorce begins. Her mother has divorced five times, her older sister has three times, her younger has twice, and my wife has twice (along with a couple of her aunts). Her brothers, dad, (even her mother) all have said that this was the "easy" way out. My mother-in-law has told me that if my wife files to fight her on it, she has never had anyone fight for her before. They are all in support for my wife and I to stop the divorce and have our marriage work out. If her Father, Mother and brothers are trying to stop this divorce from happening, then that has to say something about me. I am not the most perfect person in the world, but neither is my wife. I am willing to look past her EA, and her history, and to forgive her for everything. I want to do what I can to work this out with her.

Thank you in advance.


----------



## anx

There is no silver bullet. 
YouTube - Prevent My Divorce: The Walkaway Wife Syndrome

Get into MC. Do anything to get her into MC and put the D on hold. Beg, beg family, talk about vows, kids, anything.


----------



## remmons

I know that it is entirely her choice, but I cannot get her to watch the video.

I will talk to some of her family members to see if we can start our marriage counseling again. A couple months ago, we started to, but her therapist said tha tshe should work on IC before we can start on MC. But I feel that her therapist isn't capable of helping her, for all I have seen is more of a down turn from my W. I will do more research on the walk-away-wife syndrome, this fits her M/O.


----------



## anx

As far as I know, its not a specific thing. Its just a very common scenario that plays out FAR to often. Keep reading stories on the site. Its a very common theme here.

She might need IC as well. If thats not an option somehow, can you go to MC and just sit there and not talk? Talk to your counselor again or get a new one. 

IC and MC take a long time. It would probably be best if she did both at the same time.


----------



## remmons

anx said:


> As far as I know, its not a specific thing. Its just a very common scenario that plays out FAR to often. Keep reading stories on the site. Its a very common theme here.
> 
> She might need IC as well. If thats not an option somehow, can you go to MC and just sit there and not talk? Talk to your counselor again or get a new one.
> 
> IC and MC take a long time. It would probably be best if she did both at the same time.


I will have a talk with the right people tonight about this. She just started her IC when we were scheduled for an MC. I attended the first three, then I was trold by the therapist that we needed to break off the MC for some time. But here is the kicker, and the confliction, our MC is her IC.....so I know that this will not work for us. I will ask about having another therapist for our MC sessions.


----------



## sisters359

You cannot change her; only she can do that. You CAN change you.

What I see in your post is stuff you DON'T do. That should be a given. The question is, what do you add to her life and happiness? Also, what did you expect when marrying a woman whose pattern is to get going when the going gets tough? What were your expectations, esp., why did you think her relationship with you would be different? If she didn't work through her issues before you, she brought them into the relationship. This does not mean it is hopeless, but it does suggest an uphill struggle ahead. 

You can remind her that running does not solve anything, and causes a whole lot of trouble. You can encourage her to face the issues that have made running the choice in her and her family. Good luck!


----------



## anx

> But here is the kicker, and the confliction, our MC is her IC.....so I know that this will not work for us. I will ask about having another therapist for our MC sessions


I might find a different therapist for both. I really don't think this is normal. I think its stupid that he would say that. 

You guys NEEDED MC when you were there the first time, and it was a big mistake to stop it then. Even if you can't get far in MC, stopping in when there is still a big rift is stupid. Making slow progress in MC while she is in IC is still a big improvement than no MC at all. I'm mad reading that he would do that.


----------



## 827Aug

Well, my divorce process will soon reach the two year mark. Not exactly sure what I have done to prolong it, but I wished it would soon be over. One thing is for certain when two attorneys are involved; they will drag it out to collect more money. 

Affaircare had a thread going back in the fall about dragging a divorce out. You may want to look through the threads she started.

Hope things work out for you.


----------



## remmons

sisters359 said:


> You cannot change her; only she can do that. You CAN change you.
> 
> What I see in your post is stuff you DON'T do. That should be a given. The question is, what do you add to her life and happiness? Also, what did you expect when marrying a woman whose pattern is to get going when the going gets tough? What were your expectations, esp., why did you think her relationship with you would be different? If she didn't work through her issues before you, she brought them into the relationship. This does not mean it is hopeless, but it does suggest an uphill struggle ahead.
> 
> You can remind her that running does not solve anything, and causes a whole lot of trouble. You can encourage her to face the issues that have made running the choice in her and her family. Good luck!


I have been thinking about your question. I thought tha t Iwas giving everything tha tshe wanted and needed, a roof ove rher head, a father for her kids, stability, love, affection, kindness, compliments, physical contact, time alone, myself.....I guess I am still missing something......




anx said:


> I might find a different therapist for both. I really don't think this is normal. I think its stupid that he would say that.
> 
> You guys NEEDED MC when you were there the first time, and it was a big mistake to stop it then. Even if you can't get far in MC, stopping in when there is still a big rift is stupid. Making slow progress in MC while she is in IC is still a big improvement than no MC at all. I'm mad reading that he would do that.


Imagine my anger towards her therapist, but I kept it cool with her (yes her therapist is a she). She has already had a few visits with her under her belt by the time that I was invited to the picture for MC, so there, I feel, was the first issue.

The second issue for me was when iexpressed my concerns to her that she was my W's IC, and that she will ALREADY have her side of her story. Our three MC sessions were one-sided, working on me and not my W. On the third session, we were able to work on my W somewhat, but this was when the therapist decided to halt all MC sessions until further notice, which hasn't happened yet.

I did get a number for another MC which my brother-in-law had given me. I will try to get my wife and I scheduled.


----------



## anx

> i did get a number for another mc which my brother-in-law had given me. I will try to get my wife and i scheduled.


good luck!!!!!!


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Remmons,

Remember writing this? 



remmons said:


> I like living alone too. I can watch TV anytime Iwant, or I can play on my computer, eat anything I want, when I want. I am still responsible for what I do. I even went on a diet! I have lost thirty two pounds sonce December, so Iam feeling more spry and good about myself. I wasn't that big, I was at 212 lbs, but I felt that I could bring it down. Like you, being separated is a good thing too. I no longer feel like that I have to walk on egg shells, no am I no longer having to watch what I say.


Do you REALLY want to stop this divorce? Think hard...

You seem like a really nice guy with a lot to offer. Your wife sounds like she has some serious issues, not with just you but with herself. She can't give to you until she can deal with herself. You are still young and can move on and make a better life for yourself. Why cling to someone who clearly doesn't want you? You can't change her but you can forge ahead and make a life for yourself, even without her. 

Get back that CJ from your wife and go wheeling and clear your head. You can and will do better.


----------



## remmons

Freak On a Leash said:


> Remmons,
> 
> Remember writing this?
> 
> 
> 
> Do you REALLY want to stop this divorce? Think hard...
> 
> You seem like a really nice guy with a lot to offer. Your wife sounds like she has some serious issues, not with just you but with herself. She can't give to you until she can deal with herself. You are still young and can move on and make a better life for yourself. Why cling to someone who clearly doesn't want you? You can't change her but you can forge ahead and make a life for yourself, even without her.
> 
> Get back that CJ from your wife and go wheeling and clear your head. You can and will do better.


I do remember writing that. I guess that this lonliness is starting to get to me.

Her family all tell me to hold on to her, fight the divorce, she has always found the easy way out, and she has gotten use to this M/O. Maybe after I sleep on this for a few nights I can learn to let go.......I will give your thoughts some further thought....


----------



## Freak On a Leash

remmons said:


> I do remember writing that. I guess that this loneliness is starting to get to me.
> 
> Her family all tell me to hold on to her, fight the divorce, she has always found the easy way out, and she has gotten use to this M/O. Maybe after I sleep on this for a few nights I can learn to let go.......I will give your thoughts some further thought....


Sounds like everyone is trying to prove a point or teach this woman a lesson. That's all fine and dandy but what do YOU want? Ok, so let her family take her in and deal with her if that's what THEY want. 

If the woman wants a divorce so badly do you really want to be with her? Isn't that a recipe for disaster? :scratchhead: Especially since part of you likes being on your own. 

You'll get over being alone if that is what you truly want. There's something to be said for peace and contentment. My advice? Make yourself happy and do what what's good for you.


----------



## remmons

Freak On a Leash said:


> Sounds like everyone is trying to prove a point or teach this woman a lesson. That's all fine and dandy but what do YOU want? Ok, so let her family take her in and deal with her if that's what THEY want.
> 
> If the woman wants a divorce so badly do you really want to be with her? Isn't that a recipe for disaster? :scratchhead: Especially since part of you likes being on your own.
> 
> You'll get over being alone if that is what you truly want. There's something to be said for peace and contentment. My advice? Make yourself happy and do what what's good for you.


Since she only knows this path in life, she will never know a better way of life. She will not let go of the past, she has to constantly live in misery. I doubt that she even knows what she want out of life.

I am afraid for her kids and our daughter. They see what she is doing so they will think that this will be "normal" behavior. I know that these girls of hers will fail in their relationships too, for their mother is the same as their grand mother and their aunts. I have already witnesses some of the same traits in two of her girls as their mother. I was hoping to break that cycle, this was what her family wanted, someone who could provide stability in their life. I am afraid that the next guy she meets will end up the same way as me and her two last ex's, she has developed quite the pattern. Maybe she will recognize this before it is too late.

One of my biggest concerns is about the safety of the kids. She had severe post-partum depression back in 1999, after the birth of her fourth girl. She made a frantic call to her father and step-mother, telling them to come get her four girls before she drowned them in the bath tub. This was not her only incident. This also happened after the birth of her first girl back in 1994. Her parents had to take away her daughter because of certain "issues".

I was set out on a mission to save her from herself and her self-destructive behaviors, but I am realizing that I am not the one capable, or qualified, to do that. She is in need of some serious professional help. I told our Bishop, and my therapist that she needed someone a little more specialized.

I will let go of her, but I will fight her on some of the personal property. She wants to keep the old 1965 Jeep, all of the power tools including the drill press, table saw, grinders, and all other hand and power tools. She also wants to keep all of the lawn and riding mowers, the rototiller, and all other yard power equipment. Her brother has no idea as to why she wants to keep them, other than for keeping control of my livelihood. She is losing control of part of her world, so I feel that she is grasping for anything that she can keep a hold of.

I will decide to follow through with the divorce, but I will not go down without a fight. I love her still, and I forgive her for everything that she has done, but I will no longer remain dangling at the end of the rope like a carrot being led on by false hopes. I will let her family and friends deal with her. Maybe someday, they will be able to "wake her up" to reality, before it bites her in the butt and takes a chunk of hide off.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Wow, did you know all this about her when you married her? 

Damn, I can't believe you even entertained going back to that trainwreck. No amount of loneliness is worth going back to living with someone like that! 

Seriously, best to leave her to herself and her family..and get yourself the best damn attorney you can afford to fight for your child and get a proper settlement on you property. 

Your life is too short to invest any more of your time, money and energy into this woman.


----------



## remmons

Freak On a Leash said:


> Wow, did you know all this about her when you married her?
> 
> Damn, I can't believe you even entertained going back to that trainwreck. No amount of loneliness is worth going back to living with someone like that!
> 
> Seriously, best to leave her to herself and her family..and get yourself the best damn attorney you can afford to fight for your child and get a proper settlement on you property.
> 
> Your life is too short to invest any more of your time, money and energy into this woman.


I did not find out most of this until towards the end of last December when we separated. I knew of some of her issues, such as her Depression and her PTSD, but I had no idea as to the severity of them. When I first met her, she was a wonderful, caring, fun-loving gal, with a bunch of kids (five from two previous marriages). I should have sensed a red flag with the first two divorces, but I overlooked this.

Yes, I was entertaining the thought that maybe she can "see" what she is doing wrong and would want to fix our broken marriage. Her family and friends come up to me every day or every other day and tell me that I was the best thing that she has ever had. One of her cousins even said that she was "stupid". I feel humbled by this, but there is nothing that I can do to convince her to stop with the proceedings. She shuts down ANYONE who tries to talk to her, including her dad, mother, brother, friends at the Church, even the Bishop.

My W had a meeting with the Bishop last week, and he caught her in a couple lies, so her credibility is weakening. Luckily I had hard evidence of her actions to prove that she did in fact do the things that she tried to deny. She is unaware of the proof that I have, for if she did, I am sure that the crap would have hit the fan sooner.

I have an attorney who I am supposed to be meeting on the 14th of March. Due to his busy schedule, this was the soonest that I could se him. If I have to, I will get a second job to pay for him to fight her at every turn. (I wonder if he can subpoena her mental health records). Thus far, I am unaware of her having an Attorney, but then again, she surprised me the last time that we went to court.

What she is wanting out of the divorce will drain me financially. With my money, combined with her other two child support orders, she will be sitting pretty. I will be sure to inform the Judge that she does have other incomes.

I will no longer pursue the thought of saving our marriage. I will follow through with the divorce, hopefully with help from an attorney.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

remmons said:


> I will no longer pursue the thought of saving our marriage. I will follow through with the divorce, hopefully with help from an attorney.


Good luck to you. I think this is a good decision, given your situation. 

I often wonder if and when I'll be doing the same in time.


----------



## remmons

Freak On a Leash said:


> Good luck to you. I think this is a good decision, given your situation.
> 
> I often wonder if and when I'll be doing the same in time.


What I wonder sometimes though is this, I will be damaged goods for the next girl until I have had some time to heal, or when the dust settles after the divorce. Who knows how long that will take.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

remmons said:


> What I wonder sometimes though is this, I will be damaged goods for the next girl until I have had some time to heal, or when the dust settles after the divorce. Who knows how long that will take.


I don't care about the next guy. I don't intend to remarry or live with someone else EVER. I can't see getting serious with anyone for a long time. I don't think you should get into any serious relationship for at least a year after a divorce. Dating? Well, that depends on the situation. 

Right now it's all about me. Yeah, I'm damaged goods but I don't mind. I'm looking out for #1. I suggest you do the same. Be your own person and get happy being by yourself before you try and give to someone else. 

At least get the CJ back.


----------



## remmons

Freak On a Leash said:


> I don't care about the next guy. I don't intend to remarry or live with someone else EVER. I can't see getting serious with anyone for a long time. I don't think you should get into any serious relationship for at least a year after a divorce. Dating? Well, that depends on the situation.
> 
> Right now it's all about me. Yeah, I'm damaged goods but I don't mind. I'm looking out for #1. I suggest you do the same. Be your own person and get happy being by yourself before you try and give to someone else.
> 
> At least get the CJ back.


I didn't intend to remarry after my first wife, but I did, and now I am going through it again. I will never say never, for no one knows what thefuture holds for me.

I don't plan on dating for a while, not until the dust settles and I get my life is back on track. I will be afraid of commitments. Unfortunately, the women my age (mid forties) are in the mindset tha tthey need to find someone to commit to because they think that they are losing their sex appeal, plus they think that the older they get, the less of a chance they have to hook up with someone (at least this is what I have been hearing anyway, hopefully I will be proven wrong).

I guess I can say that through this experience I can learn and grow to become a better person, to know what to do when a situation arises.

Today, I am feeling a little more relieved. I am learning how to start letting go of her, and to move on with my life. I am learning to no longer allow her to be an anchor to my progress. Who knows, maybe someday I will find a girl who has more in common so that we can share more in the same intersts.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

remmons said:


> Unfortunately, the women my age (mid forties) are in the mindset that they need to find someone to commit to because they think that they are losing their sex appeal, plus they think that the older they get, the less of a chance they have to hook up with someone (at least this is what I have been hearing anyway, hopefully I will be proven wrong).


That's just bizarre. :scratchhead: If you take care of yourself, you can be very sexy and desirable in your 40s! No, you're not 25 but it's not old. Quite the opposite. 

I'm the same weight as I was in college and in many ways, I'm in better shape. Yeah, there's a few more wrinkles but I feel pretty hot.  I know mentally, I'm in a LOT better shape then I was 20 years ago. I'm more confident and a lot more fun! I don't sweat the small stuff like I did years ago. I'm much more grounded. 

And I don't really care about getting into a serious relationship with anyone. It's the LAST thing I want. I want my own place, my own space..but I want to go out and have a good time. There's no REASON to get married! I have my kids, my own income, my own l ife. I just want to have a good time with someone else who can appreciate me. But marriage? WTF? What the heck FOR? 

As for "hooking up"..well, heck, I don't want or expect guys in their 20s to want to be with me. I don't want to be with them either! And if a guy my age can't stomach a few wrinkles and stretch marks then he's not for me. He can go chase after a 20-something but he'd better have a fat bank account or else they won't be looking at him. 

I remember what I thought of "old men" who were attempting to "hook up" with me when I was in my 20s. I used to laugh in their faces. Heck. I still think they are funny. :rofl:



> Today, I am feeling a little more relieved. I am learning how to start letting go of her, and to move on with my life. I am learning to no longer allow her to be an anchor to my progress. Who knows, maybe someday I will find a girl who has more in common so that we can share more in the same intersts.


From what you've told me, I wouldn't just start letting go..I'd RUN AWAY as fast as I could! 

Too bad you don't live in these parts. We seem to share a lot of interests. Well, if you are ever out this way...


----------



## remmons

> That's just bizarre. If you take care of yourself, you can be very sexy and desirable in your 40s! No, you're not 25 but it's not old. Quite the opposite.
> Yeah, there's a few more wrinkles but I feel pretty hot. I know mentally, I'm in a LOT better shape then I was 20 years ago.
> And if a guy my age can't stomach a few wrinkles and stretch marks then he's not for me.


I have given some thought to this very same idea here a few weeks ago. I was looking, or noticing, at a few women at the grocery store who were in their forties and fifties, and they carried themselves very well. I have nothing against the younger generation, but I feel that they haven't really "lived" yet. 



> Too bad you don't live in these parts. We seem to share a lot of interests. Well, if you are ever out this way...


We are kindred spirits. I appreciate the thought. I am more motivated knowing that there are people like you out there who can appreciate others for who they are.
I have been re-evaluating my life more lately. I know that I need to finish this divorce and move on. I will take this time to heal and to grow physically, emotionally and spiritually.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

remmons said:


> I have been re-evaluating my life more lately. I know that I need to finish this divorce and move on. I will take this time to heal and to grow physically, emotionally and spiritually.


Consider yourself lucky that you can get divorced and move on.


----------



## remmons

Freak On a Leash said:


> Consider yourself lucky that you can get divorced and move on.


Yeah, I guess that I am lucky.


----------



## remmons

At first, I was grasping for anything and everything to save my marriage. I was not ready to let go. But once I realized everything that came into play on both her and my side, I have decided that this marriage was not worth saving. Maybe, once all of the dust settles, we can be friends, or at least be amicable enough in the furure for our daughters sake.


----------

