# will i ever be happy



## Didi31 (Jun 26, 2017)

Hey Guys, 
I am recently married – 4 months ago. And I feel my entire relationship with my now husband – 1.5 yrs has been an emotional one. My husband was my brother’s business partner, whom they have had a shaky relationship. As soon as my parents found out we were dating they pressured us to take our relationship to the next level. I have always felt rushed and wanted more time. 
I find myself torn, because I have a man who loves me endlessly, kind, patient, generous and supportive – he has changed so many things for me. All the things that you want in a guy.
What’s the problem – I don’t find him fascinating – I am not blown away, I am not feeling butterflies. Sometimes I think he embellishes too much. He doesn’t take imitative – things are last minute
He is not boring per say – he lives by his own rules. Which sometimes Is annoying when you want him to be nice to your parents. he has a sense of humor, open to trying new things. he is very stubborn though.
I want him, to mentally stimulate me more, I want him bolder and more adventurous, I want him to be more social and talkative. I feel this will make feel we are better suited.
My problem today is I feel we are not suited and sometimes – though I hate to admit this – that I settled with him.

What I was hoping someone could help me with is? Is tell me am I being spoilt? Had I been with someone else would I find other flaws? is the problem me? would i ever be happy with anyone?I never dated anyone seriously before him. I am 27 though so not that young.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

If you felt pressured into the marriage, you may have grounds for an annulment. 

Not sure, though.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Yes you are spoiled
No you will not be happy
You may have some legitimate stuff to talk about with him

Suggested reading: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct...457713&usg=AFQjCNHUjkqANsoZEFh_7tjg2TTUiotvGA

"The Subtle Art of Not giving a ****" - Mark Manson

~ Passio


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your marriage "over time" will work out. It will be OK.

That said, it will never draw butterflies into the intake into your central furnace.

Here's the thing....

Many marriages, mine included, was Butterfly Heaven. My mind and loins were on fire with my choice of bride.

After the years past, I saw the Butterflies morph into larva...they retrograded into something else.

After about 10 years, my marriage became OK. Not great, but OK. Just as yours is now.

Those "things" that make you feel gaga, head over heels with a man.......pass.

Pass, just as gas passes through your system after eating Steak, Caviar, Lobster Tails. 

What, at first was perfect, later reveals its flaws. It bumps, scars, burbs and farts all come to light and to smell.

No man is perfect. No women is perfect. Is there a better man than the one that you have? Yes.

Yes there is such a man. Good luck finding him.

My advice? Give this marriage another year. If your feelings do not change then you must let him go. 

Don't blame him, don't punish him. He loves your skinny butt. That is so important. As far as him being stubborn, that 'can' be a good thing. Wish-washy men are easier to despise.

Blame yourself.........but only if you do not make a decision in one year.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Depends what type of person you are.

Some are seekers and end up never being happy

Some are settlers and don't try hard enough to find the right person

Most settle to some degree but in s marriage it's called compromise. Do tatted up, druggy, bad boys turn you on? If so, settling for a much nicer guy is probably the best right answer.

Do you have stable family history among parents and siblings, or divorce? That also affects attitudes toward marriage.

I am from a line of smart but kind of boring people - interesting but not adventurous. My mothers side though have trailer parks in her family background. There is more divorce, risk taking, emotional relationships, etc on that extended side.

Looking at both, stable but a bit boring seems to lead to a long term, fulfilling life. More exciting seems to be more full of ups and downs; more passion but more angst. Less stability, more possibility, but much less actual achievement. In fact, the happiest ones are the ones who "settled down"

You should not settle with respect to your heart, but I just want to point out that the angst might be caused by your desires rather than your heart. Desires can be worth pursuing, but if they're destructive (moving in with the bad boy) then sometimes they're better left as unfulfilled dreams


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

It honestly doesn't seem like you have it all that bad. It sounds like a normal marriage, with way more "ups" than "downs". What did you expect? A fairytale? No one loves every all aspect of their partner - and it's no one's fault but your own if you allowed your parents to pressure into marriage faster than you wanted. If he loves you, is patient, has a steady job, and is supportive, then be happy for the hand that life dealt to you. Just this morning, I read an article about a woman living in a shelter with her toddler who had to flee the man who beat her multiple times. You still want butterflies? Go ride a rollercoaster and then appreciate what you have. I think you have some growing up to do...


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

TheTruthHurts said:


> In fact, the happiest ones are the ones who "settled down"


I have also heard that from a few people. I want to add that it is imperative that the other spouse never learns that they were "settled down" for.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

You have more in your marriage than most people will ever have. For me, I would be happy if I could just experience a loving marriage because I don't know what that's like.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Steve1000 said:


> I have also heard that from a few people. I want to add that it is imperative that the other spouse never learns that they were "settled down" for.




Ha ha not at all what I meant. I meant calmed their racing desires and mind. I was referring to those who always seek more and better, but don't stop and realize they have what they actually want

A simple example is a guy who desires a lingerie model but is married to an objectively attractive woman.

There is always more and better... but it doesn't mean those things will be more satisfying 


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

TheTruthHurts said:


> A simple example is a guy who desires a lingerie model but is married to an objectively attractive woman.
> 
> There is always more and better... but it doesn't mean those things will be more satisfying


Ok  I'm not sure I would use the term "better" to describe this, but I might be overthinking it like I often do.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Didi31 said:


> Hey Guys,
> I am recently married – 4 months ago. And I feel my entire relationship with my now husband – 1.5 yrs has been an emotional one. My husband was my brother’s business partner, whom they have had a shaky relationship. As soon as my parents found out we were dating they pressured us to take our relationship to the next level. I have always felt rushed and wanted more time.
> I find myself torn, because I have a man who loves me endlessly, kind, patient, generous and supportive – he has changed so many things for me. All the things that you want in a guy.
> What’s the problem – I don’t find him fascinating – I am not blown away, I am not feeling butterflies. Sometimes I think he embellishes too much. He doesn’t take imitative – things are last minute
> ...


Honestly you sound too immature to be married. Life is not Disney and your partner is not their to entertain you. Look to yourself to do that. Why do you need someone to be fascinating for instance why can you strive to be fascinating on your own. If you are bored for instance get some hobbies. We are in the 21st century, there is no reason anymore to count on your spouse to fulfill your life. 

Besides that the only reason to get married is to give yourself to the other person, if you are in it for what you get you are in it for the wrong reasons and will probably end up unhappy. Marriage is like learning to play piano, a lot of it is just hard work, a lot is repetition, it's harder at first, but there is also great moments of joy, and if your master it you can have a lifetime of fulfillment from it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Didi31

How old are you and your husband?


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## Didi31 (Jun 26, 2017)

i am 27 and he is 32


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## Didi31 (Jun 26, 2017)

Thanks...thats really good advise. very "real".


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## Didi31 (Jun 26, 2017)

will check the book out. what do you mean i have some legit stuff to discuss?


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## Didi31 (Jun 26, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Depends what type of person you are.
> 
> Some are seekers and end up never being happy
> 
> ...


thanks for this. its quite eye opening the concept of settlers vs seekers. i am defeinently a seeker.always looking for the best next thing and not enjoying what i have. this may be related to my upbringing...a very traditional family. but my parents always in my eyes were fighting and i thought that they would have divorced had they not feared what people might say.


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## Didi31 (Jun 26, 2017)

Blame yourself.........but only if you do not make a decision in one year.[/QUOTE]

i once read that all passion ultimately goes into compassion which i suppose makes sense. 
and i suppose i need to be more aware that i have a good thing and be content - not in a settling way but more appreciate what you have.
are you still married?
what do you mean i should blame myself? for my marriage failing? for not making this work?


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## Didi31 (Jun 26, 2017)

I want to add that it is imperative that the other spouse never learns that they were "settled down" for.
no you are right. especially with him being so wonderful. i need to sort out my own issues and he should not be collateral damage.


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## Didi31 (Jun 26, 2017)

Ha ha not at all what I meant. I meant calmed their racing desires and mind. I was referring to those who always seek more and better, but don't stop and realize they have what they actually want


There is always more and better... but it doesn't mean those things will be more satisfying 

I get what you mean. I completely get that the seeker will never stop to smell the roses so to speak and thus will never appreciate what they have. i think what you were trying to say is - there is always someone better no matter who you end up with. but you have to choose to love this person, accept and work to make this happy. enjoy what you have before you lose it and only then realise what you had.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Is it possible that you married so you could experience how that was? You know, as a seeker of experiences?

I am troubled by one statement you wrote, of being pressured by your parents to get married, and you believing that you acquiesced.

As an adult, a person has to own their decisions. At some point, parents are not the overarching influence or deciders of your life. A spouse is not supposed to just take over that authoritarian role either.

If you do not feel like a full-fledged partner in this marriage, seek to fix that. If you are not hot for your husband anymore, work on that too. 

If nothing that you do adds up to "better" than you should consider parting.

BTW, do not leave your husband clueless to your dilemma. You owe him an understanding of his own situation with you.

All marriages evolve over time. Course corrections occur all the time.


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## Didi31 (Jun 26, 2017)

michzz said:


> Is it possible that you married so you could experience how that was? You know, as a seeker of experiences?
> 
> I am troubled by one statement you wrote, of being pressured by your parents to get married, and you believing that you acquiesced.
> 
> ...


i take responsibility for this marriage - even if parents steam rolled me into it. i chose to go along because he was and is a good guy. and in our relationship i do have a voice that he listens and respects.
now i am in counselling, trying to eliminate the parent factor and see if this...if he is what i truly want or was it the pressure. i have also spoken to him and he is deeply hurt and confused - i scheduled a couples session. he is quite against this as he feels couples therapy is the beginning of the end.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

michzz said:


> Is it possible that you married so you could experience how that was? You know, as a seeker of experiences?
> 
> I am troubled by one statement you wrote, of being pressured by your parents to get married, and you believing that you acquiesced.
> 
> ...





Didi31 said:


> i take responsibility for this marriage - even if parents steam rolled me into it. i chose to go along because he was and is a good guy. and in our relationship i do have a voice that he listens and respects.
> now i am in counselling, trying to eliminate the parent factor and see if this...if he is what i truly want or was it the pressure. i have also spoken to him and he is deeply hurt and confused - i scheduled a couples session. he is quite against this as he feels couples therapy is the beginning of the end.


You're going about it the right way at this point. If your husband refuses to participate in couples counseling then he owns that decision--outcome an all. Go anyway and let him know the appointment times and locations.

Good luck.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Do you have some passion for him? Do you find him attractive. Are you sexually aroused with him?

Personally I think these things are very important. If I were not attracted to my w and aroused by her I would not have married her - even though she's great and we get along so well.

My used of the word "settle" in no way means accepting a spouse that doesn't meet these criteria 


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## Didi31 (Jun 26, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Do you have some passion for him? Do you find him attractive. Are you sexually aroused with him?


Thanks for clarifying. I definitely have some passion for him. i definitely like to cuddle with him or sleep in his arms. i feel safe in them.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Only you can make yourself happy.

Instead of obsessing or concentrate on what you precieve as negatives concentrate on the positives The way he includes you in decission making,the way you feel safe in his arms, 

Advoid social media. Its loaded with ideas that are not realistic about how real life relationships work.


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## Warrior73 (Jun 25, 2017)

How old are you? You sound young. Women need to learn that they cannot change a man! He is who he is and either you take him as he is or you walk away. Sounds like your parents pressured you because they thought he was successful and maybe had money? Either learn to accept him for who he is or move on.


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## hurts-so-bad (Jun 30, 2017)

I'll tell you what to do, communicate all of this to him. You can go shopping, dress him up, role play, try new things, just tons of stuff. Try to communicate it all, never hide it, that is the worst, because if he doesn't know about it, he can't fix it.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

I don't know you so it is difficult to judge the relationship, maybe this will help, did you ever get butterflies when going to meet him or hear his voice?, did you ever miss him when he wasn't around?, 27 is very young nowadays, my friend tells me that take your age and deduct 20% and that is your new-age age, people are living so much longer these days that young people like yourself will be younger longer than any previous generation, getting back to your husband, it seems obvious to me that a bit of parental bullying and your settling for him when maybe a little voice inside was telling you something else may be leaving you with feelings of doubt. My advice would be to see if things work out with him in the next six months, if you don't have these feelings you crave then you probably messed up marrying this guy and you need to take action, you will never be happy if he never floats your boat.

Love and peace

KevinZX


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