# Being apart feels better



## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

I take my daughters, mom, and whoever else wants to go camping every year. Its girls only and we don't care about makeup or hair, and always have fun. We plan on doing it for as many years as we can. 

I pulled in yesterday from our 10th annual trip. The dogs and my in-laws tumbled out of the house, happy to see my daughters and I. Mister did not get up off the couch. He did text me during the trip and complained that he couldn't find an ingredient to make a meal. (IGA is 2 miles away). Then when I finally made my way into the house, he reiterated that he couldn't find the jalepenos and made sure I knew that the dogs were out of sorts while I was gone. Way to pop my bubble! He never asked about how the trip went, yet said he missed me before going to bed. I slept on the couch.

As soon as I opened my eyes this morning, he began to pound me with questions about finishing the bathroom. Then he made sure I knew I was being lazy for sleeping in until 9. I made myself busy in the garage because he is extremely angry and his son isn't well versed in home repairs. He is yelling out everything he is doing (wanting glory, maybe) and every 4th word is a cuss word. 

I'm so tired of his attitude, as well as many, many other things. In years past, he would call or text me while on these trips and rip me a new one for something I forgot to do, or for some dumb random thing that he could take care of himself but would rather whine to me. I've always supported his trips: helping him pack, hook up the boat, and help unload. 

I really need him to be gone for a whole day on a weekend, so I can have a fair market value done on the house. Then I will know how to proceed with asking for a divorce. This is a 50/50 state, and I know I might have to pay him to keep the house, depending on what the value is, but I need a number to go off of.

I predict a nuclear meltdown when I present him with my reasons. He will destroy things, and accuse me of having someone else (I don't). I will probably have to sleep in the camper or leave for a few days. But this marriage is not going to get better. I care for him, but his horrible attitude, huge belly, and the way he treats everyone around him has driven me away, and I can't bear it anymore. 

Thanks for reading my post. It felt really good to get those things off my chest. I'm looking forward to having some solace, and have zero interest in getting into another relationship.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

He sounds like the kind that could fall into a crying slob of a mess when his control item decides to take her life back. He doesn’t need to be gone for valuation... all that can be taken care of after you file. Keep your chin up. You can have your cup of tea .... and drink it too 😁

love the picture.... that looks really nice !


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

You sound like you're at the end of your rope, he sounded horrible to live with. As frightening as change is, sometimes that's just what you need for peace. Good luck! We're here if you need support through this.


----------



## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

You deserve better. 

He needs to learn to respect you, or lose you forever.


----------



## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> He sounds like the kind that could fall into a crying slob of a mess when his control item decides to take her life back. He doesn’t need to be gone for valuation... all that can be taken care of after you file. Keep your chin up. You can have your cup of tea .... and drink it too 😁
> 
> love the picture.... that looks really nice !


Thanks for the complement. That waterfall has been on my bucket list forever! 

I'm dreading the conversation. But I feel like I need to present the asset division right up front. I _think_ he might have enough tackle, tools, guns, hunting gear, and rolling stock to even things out. I just want the house, but we will see what the numbers say... 
And I will be fair with values and the parenting plan. 

He will struggle. His mom keeps telling him to get his crap together or he's going to lose me. I plan on giving her all of his info so she can help with paperwork/adulting. He isn't good at handling any of that stuff...


----------



## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

TXTrini said:


> You sound like you're at the end of your rope, he sounded horrible to live with. As frightening as change is, sometimes that's just what you need for peace. Good luck! We're here if you need support through this.


I'm looking forward to a new life. It will be hard at times: I already know I'll need a PT job to conquer some debt. 
BUT:
No more loud TV, freezing cold bedroom, excessive cussing/complaining, no being woke up at 3, no more phone interruptions, constant questions, or him snoring / wheezing even when he is sitting still...


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Cup of Tea said:


> I predict a nuclear meltdown when I present him with my reasons. He will destroy things, and accuse me of having someone else (I don't). I will probably have to sleep in the camper or leave for a few days. But this marriage is not going to get better. I care for him, but his horrible attitude, huge belly, and the way he treats everyone around him has driven me away, and I can't bear it anymore.
> 
> View attachment 70162


You need to discuss this with your attorney and have a plan in place to protect yourself, your children and your property from abuse/destruction. 

You may need some kind of restraining order or no-contact order in place and have him served when he is away from you. 

In cases of potential violence or destruction of property, it is not uncommon to have a police presence when gathering up your personal items. 

I suggest getting as many of your ducks in a row as humanly possible and have everything ready to go before pulling the trigger and having him served.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Cup of Tea said:


> I predict a nuclear meltdown when I present him with my reasons.
> View attachment 70162


Also, you need to keep in mind that you do not need to convince him or get him to buy-off on the divorce. You do not need his consent or even his cooperation. There for you do not need to convince him of your "reasons" or your rationale. 

Simply no longer wanting to remain married is all the reason and rationale you need. 

It does make it more efficient and less adversarial and a whole lot less expensive when two people agree on the separation and can divide up the assets fairly and cooperatively, but if you fill out the proper paperwork and pay the court fees, a divorce will be granted whether he likes it or agrees with it or not.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You can use Zillow to get a ballpark figure for what houses like yours are going for on the market in your area!


----------



## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Also, you need to keep in mind that you do not need to convince him or get him to buy-off on the divorce. You do not need his consent or even his cooperation. There for you do not need to convince him of your "reasons" or your rationale.
> 
> Simply no longer wanting to remain married is all the reason and rationale you need.
> 
> It does make it more efficient and less adversarial and a whole lot less expensive when two people agree on the separation and can divide up the assets fairly and cooperatively, but if you fill out the proper paperwork and pay the court fees, a divorce will be granted whether he likes it or agrees with it or not.


I hope once he sees my long list of reasons, he will agree, but he will likely see red and flip out. 
And... we have our 11th anniversary coming up on August 1st. I am dreading it. He has completely ruined the last two:
#9) He was working rotating shifts and really wanted to go salmon fishing. I offered to go as an anniversary day trip, and was really looking forward to just spending time with him. But at 3am, his son shows up to go with us, and he completely disregarded that I was even on the boat at all. I tried not to cry the whole day. 
He promised to make it up to me, but didnt. 

#10) I planned a really fun 3 day road trip. I was again really excited to just spend time with him. Well our hay lady decided to bale so we spent 2 stacking hay. Oh well. 
So we made a plan B to just go on a day trip. Then his mom needed an emergency heart procedure, so we held off just in case. While he was waiting for her to come out of surgery, he texted and texted me about anything and everything I did wrong. I chocked it up to him being really stressed, and tried to soothe him, but he kept on. I was worried about his mom, too and for him to lash out at me was totally uncalled for. Then he got extremely upset when I didn't want to go anywhere with him, not even dinner. The roses he sent to my work were a complete waste of money. 
I don't want to present a divorce around our anniversary, as that would make me just look like an evil bi***, but I also don't want to try and be romantic and/or he just be a jerk again. Bleh!! I'm going to get wrinkles from all the cringing I've been doing lately...


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If he is such a jerk and blames you for everything in marriage, There’s no reason to believe he will be amicable, understanding and cooperative in divorce.

There is nothing you can say that will appease him or make him be all warm and cooperative.

There is also no “good” time to file as there will always be some kind of birthday, kid’s birthday, relative’s birthday, etc. And there will always be an upcoming holiday and there will always be life-events such as illness, Aunt Beulah dying, the cat needing surgery etc etc. there is never a time that won’t cause disruption and upheaval.

So there is nothing you can say that will make it completely smooth and palatable. 

And there is no good time that will make it ok.

So you need to do whatcha gotta do when you are able to do it.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, don't plan anything for your anniversary, just let it be "another day" since that is how HE seems to view it.
After you've passed that hurdle (which will give you a bit more time to firm up your plans), then sit and have a discussion (I HOPE that's what it will be).
IF he starts arguing -- you have a NUMBER of instances above in this thread about HIS awful behavior. Print them out for him and let him read them if he really questions WHY you feel like this.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I'm glad that you are finally ready for action. You have been here, sad and miserable, for years. It will be hard. I am going through this right now. Assets division got more complicated. still hoping to avoid lawyers and their huge fees. 

Good luck to you. I know you can do it, you seem to be ready for action. Just keep this in mind: life will get way better once this is all over.


----------



## Angelwanderer (Mar 20, 2018)

Hi,

It's all about preserving your state of mind, right? This relationship is definately toxic and it's not doing him any favors either. Move on and move up. 

-A

Wrote a letter about a troubled marriage. It became a novel (SEETHINGS), mostly fiction _wink_. Read it on Smashwords for free.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Sounds like you have it settled in your mind what you want. You have determination in your post. Your going to do as well as one can suspect I bet.
He will sh!t bricks for sure... be prepared for that one.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your husband complained and moaned, and carped about everything.
In the end, his end, he talked himself out of a wife.
No surprise.

Good luck!


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Cup of Tea said:


> I hope once he sees my long list of reasons, he will agree, but he will likely see red and flip out.
> And... we have our 11th anniversary coming up on August 1st. I am dreading it. He has completely ruined the last two:
> #9) He was working rotating shifts and really wanted to go salmon fishing. I offered to go as an anniversary day trip, and was really looking forward to just spending time with him. But at 3am, his son shows up to go with us, and he completely disregarded that I was even on the boat at all. I tried not to cry the whole day.
> He promised to make it up to me, but didnt.
> ...



@Cup of Tea When you are done, you are done.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

How are you doing, @Cup of Tea? Any new developments?


----------



## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> How are you doing, @Cup of Tea? Any new developments?


Hello, Wanda! 

Its been a crazy few weeks! We've both been working long hours. Then it was hay season
He actually worked really hard. We both did. I still had to cook dinner. He did gift me with absolutely terrible sex for our anniversary. He made it extra special by waking me up for it at 3:45 am..

I did have a real estate agent out and give a fair market value on the house, and now I need to go through all of our stuff and give it a fair value. 
In this 50/50 state, I _think_ he has enough value in his tools, guns, camper, and tackle to justify me keeping the house. He can have everything in it: appliances, furniture, meat, and the rest of the girl scout cookies. I just want the house and livestock. 

I plan on presenting him with my reasons around the 2nd week of September, then leave for the weekend and allow him to process and cool down. I also will give his mom and cousin a heads up, so they can be there to support him. 

I did get myself into a therapist, and its done me a world of good. Posting here helps a lot, too..


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Cup of Tea it seems to me that after years of being the "guest of honour" at your husband's very own Whine Festival and only ever given dry and bitter drinks you are ready to say: "No, thank you. No more whines for me. I'd really like a nice cup of tea. Bye Mr Sommelier!"


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

You are moving with the action now. Therapy is certainly helpful, I am doing this too. Things will be tough for a while, but it looks like you are determined now and with the purpose.
Good luck, and keep us updated. Rooting for you!


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I can only wish it weren't so...
Alas, it is.

Good Luck, Lass.

_Gwendolyn-_


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hey Cup, any updates on how you're doing?


----------



## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

TXTrini said:


> Hey Cup, any updates on how you're doing?


Nothing new. I'm slowly amassing values on "our" things. The contents and the gun cabinet will he the hardest thing to value, simply because I need everyone out of the house to catalog what's there. And I am looking for a PT job, which I knew I was going to have to get. Also. If I trench a sewer line, I can rent a space for a trailer, so there's some potential income there, but that wont be until afterwards. 

He surprisingly went for a little outing with me and the girls to a lake. He sighed heavily the whole way there, and made me stop for food since he was too lazy to make himself breakfast. He does not manage his diabetes very well. He genuinely didn't seem to enjoy spending time with us, yet he wants to take the camper out at the end of August. I hate that goddammed thing. He wants to camp where there's WiFi or cell service, so we can watch TV. So stupid. 🙄


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Cup of Tea said:


> He surprisingly went for a little outing with me and the girls to a lake. He sighed heavily the whole way there, and made me stop for food since he was too lazy to make himself breakfast. He does not manage his diabetes very well. He genuinely didn't seem to enjoy spending time with us, yet he wants to take the camper out at the end of August. I hate that goddammed thing. He wants to camp where there's WiFi or cell service, so we can watch TV. So stupid. 🙄


Why are you agreeing it to it?


----------



## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> Why are you agreeing it to it?


To keep things pleasant for the time being, for the whole family's sake. He wants to take his mom and dad, who deserve a break and I know everyone but me will have a good time. 
We started our marriage with a whole family camping trip, and will end with one.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Cup of Tea said:


> Nothing new. I'm slowly amassing values on "our" things. The contents and the gun cabinet will he the hardest thing to value, simply because I need everyone out of the house to catalog what's there. And I am looking for a PT job, which I knew I was going to have to get. Also. If I trench a sewer line, I can rent a space for a trailer, so there's some potential income there, but that wont be until afterwards.
> 
> He surprisingly went for a little outing with me and the girls to a lake. He sighed heavily the whole way there, and made me stop for food since he was too lazy to make himself breakfast. He does not manage his diabetes very well. He genuinely didn't seem to enjoy spending time with us, yet he wants to take the camper out at the end of August. I hate that goddammed thing. He wants to camp where there's WiFi or cell service, so we can watch TV. So stupid. 🙄


That's a real chore, isn't it? I was fairly general when I did the inventory, but at the time, I was the sole occupier of the house and had already filed. Do you have a planned date of action, or planning to secure the job first? Thank you for coming back to update, I was just wondering how you were doing. It doesn't get any easier the longer you put it off, no matter the circumstances. Just guard yourself to keep your integrity intact and not have any kind of affair in your loneliness, that's the danger in inertia. 



Cup of Tea said:


> To keep things pleasant for the time being, for the whole family's sake. He wants to take his mom and dad, who deserve a break and I know everyone but me will have a good time.
> We started our marriage with a whole family camping trip, and will end with one.


There is a sort of symmetry to this. While it is kind of you to go along to ensure everyone else's enjoyment, don't be a martyr. Not only will you feel awful, people pick up on vibes, they know what's up.


----------



## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

"That's a real chore, isn't it? I was fairly general when I did the inventory, but at the time, I was the sole occupier of the house and had already filed. Do you have a planned date of action, or planning to secure the job first? Thank you for coming back to update, I was just wondering how you were doing. It doesn't get any easier the longer you put it off, no matter the circumstances. Just guard yourself to keep your integrity intact and not have any kind of affair in your loneliness, that's the danger in inertia."

Looking at my budget, I will need to get a 2nd job 1st. I currently pay for everything but the house payment, so as long as I can make that much extra, I'll be fine. I do have a very good job with benefits and such.

I'm shooting for the middle of Sept to present all this to him.

I have _0_ desire to get with someone else. I believe its trashy and immature to jump into another relationship before the dust settles with a current relationship. I'll be busy with kids ans 2 jobs anyway.

"There is a sort of symmetry to this. While it is kind of you to go along to ensure everyone else's enjoyment, don't be a martyr. Not only will you feel awful, people pick up on vibes, they know what's up."

I think his mom knows. I've heard her scolding him before to shape up. But I really do love his folks, and know all this will hurt them, too. And knowing Mister, it will be up to me to make sure they will always be a part of the girls' lives.

Also, I don't know how to do the quotes like you did..


----------

