# HELP!!! I have a gut feeling, & it’s not good.



## PeaceLoveHappiness (9 mo ago)

So I married my husband in 2020 & we have a baby together. I just gave birth 5 months ago. When I was dating him, he used to let me use his phone, see his messages; even though there was some hesitancy. Now while married, it has gotten worse. He changed his password to his phone so I can’t get into it. He has an iPad and I can get into that, but the iCloud is locked and I don’t know the password. He hides his messages from me, and even if I walk by him when he’s on his phone, he either turns the phone or changes what he’s looking at. The day before yesterday, he went out for a drive because we had a fight. I was “snooping” on his iPad & found an old message that I could partially see because he locked his password. The woman was from a state that he usually travels to for work, and she was asking him if she could see him at the month end. And telling him she was thinking about him. He was casually conversing with her, even when she said she wanted to see him, and when she said she was thinking of him. The messages were sent last month. I specially asked him who the lady was, and he lied to me and said he couldn’t remember her. Then he LATER said she was an old friend. And then I asked him when was the last time he talked to her, and he said 2017. He lied again. He talked to her last month. Well after he said that, I believed him, until I saw the rest of the messages where he actually replied and it was last month when he talked to her. He also claimed he told her he was married and for her to leave him alone and that he blocked her. He didn’t. He kept texting her. He lied about that too. I confronted him about it and he got defensive and angry and started calling me names telling me, “If you don’t trust me then FINE! & You make me want to cheat now. & I want to be with someone else now, because you’re stressing me. & Everyone knows I’m a good guy. & I don’t even want to be with you anymore.” Everytime I bring it up and I just want clear answers, he diverts the questions to what I’ve done wrong and gets angry and starts calling me names and making me feel worthless. He also said “This lady knows who I am, she knows I wouldn’t cheat.” I called her because I was going crazy at that point. She lied for him and said she didn’t know him, but later called their old friends and got scared because I called her, thinking I was going to do something to her for communicating with my husband. He was even defending her, and scolding me telling me I should have came to him about her. And I said I DID, YOU LIED!! And he said “I can see you just don’t love me, you’re just pretending.” Y’all the mind games are too much. And he even said I deserve to be cheated on, then later lied and said he never did that. Im just hurt and confused. I need advice.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Divorce the abusive cheater


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

PeaceLoveHappiness said:


> ... he even said I deserve to be cheated on, then later lied and said he never did that. Im just hurt and confused. I need advice.


So YOU are responsible for the bad choices HE makes. Uh-huh, sure ....

I'd highly suggest you replace your feelings of hurt and confusion with righteous anger. He's a liar and a cheat. 

Just what do you see in Mr. Wonderful that keeps you with him at this point? 

P.S. - Add abuser to his other stellar qualities of liar and cheater.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

PeaceLoveHappiness said:


> So I married my husband in 2020 & we have a baby together. I just gave birth 5 months ago. When I was dating him, he used to let me use his phone, see his messages; even though there was some hesitancy. Now while married, it has gotten worse. He changed his password to his phone so I can’t get into it. He has an iPad and I can get into that, but the iCloud is locked and I don’t know the password. He hides his messages from me, and even if I walk by him when he’s on his phone, he either turns the phone or changes what he’s looking at. The day before yesterday, he went out for a drive because we had a fight. I was “snooping” on his iPad & found an old message that I could partially see because he locked his password. The woman was from a state that he usually travels to for work, and she was asking him if she could see him at the month end. And telling him she was thinking about him. He was casually conversing with her, even when she said she wanted to see him, and when she said she was thinking of him. The messages were sent last month. I specially asked him who the lady was, and he lied to me and said he couldn’t remember her. Then he LATER said she was an old friend. And then I asked him when was the last time he talked to her, and he said 2017. He lied again. He talked to her last month. Well after he said that, I believed him, until I saw the rest of the messages where he actually replied and it was last month when he talked to her. He also claimed he told her he was married and for her to leave him alone and that he blocked her. He didn’t. He kept texting her. He lied about that too. I confronted him about it and he got defensive and angry and started calling me names telling me, “If you don’t trust me then FINE! & You make me want to cheat now. & I want to be with someone else now, because you’re stressing me. & Everyone knows I’m a good guy. & I don’t even want to be with you anymore.” Everytime I bring it up and I just want clear answers, he diverts the questions to what I’ve done wrong and gets angry and starts calling me names and making me feel worthless. He also said “This lady knows who I am, she knows I wouldn’t cheat.” I called her because I was going crazy at that point. She lied for him and said she didn’t know him, but later called their old friends and got scared because I called her, thinking I was going to do something to her for communicating with my husband. He was even defending her, and scolding me telling me I should have came to him about her. And I said I DID, YOU LIED!! And he said “I can see you just don’t love me, you’re just pretending.” Y’all the mind games are too much. And he even said I deserve to be cheated on, then later lied and said he never did that. Im just hurt and confused. I need advice.


@Evinrude58 is spot on as always.

Your husband is a terrible man. Get away from him as fast as you can. File for divorce immediately.

Do not try to “work things out”…you will be in for more of the same bs as you’re getting right now.

”Divorce the abusive cheater”


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Standard cheater behavior.... deny / counter-accuse / reverse victim and offender.... rewrite marital history.... direct gaslighting.

Get checked for STDs and start the divorce process.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Yeah he’s been using you and cheating the whole time. I concur. Get an STD test and get out of there today. He doesn’t love you or the baby. He’s a horrible person and you and your child deserve better.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Sounds like you were looking in the bottom of the barrel when you found this guy. Consult with a lawyer so you can weigh your options. I'd demand full access to that phone and iPad.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

PeaceLoveHappiness said:


> So I married my husband in 2020 & we have a baby together. I just gave birth 5 months ago. When I was dating him, he used to let me use his phone, see his messages; even though there was some hesitancy. Now while married, it has gotten worse. He changed his password to his phone so I can’t get into it. He has an iPad and I can get into that, but the iCloud is locked and I don’t know the password. He hides his messages from me, and even if I walk by him when he’s on his phone, he either turns the phone or changes what he’s looking at. The day before yesterday, he went out for a drive because we had a fight. I was “snooping” on his iPad & found an old message that I could partially see because he locked his password. The woman was from a state that he usually travels to for work, and she was asking him if she could see him at the month end. And telling him she was thinking about him. He was casually conversing with her, even when she said she wanted to see him, and when she said she was thinking of him. The messages were sent last month. I specially asked him who the lady was, and he lied to me and said he couldn’t remember her. Then he LATER said she was an old friend. And then I asked him when was the last time he talked to her, and he said 2017. He lied again. He talked to her last month. Well after he said that, I believed him, until I saw the rest of the messages where he actually replied and it was last month when he talked to her. He also claimed he told her he was married and for her to leave him alone and that he blocked her. He didn’t. He kept texting her. He lied about that too. I confronted him about it and he got defensive and angry and started calling me names telling me, “If you don’t trust me then FINE! & You make me want to cheat now. & I want to be with someone else now, because you’re stressing me. & Everyone knows I’m a good guy. & I don’t even want to be with you anymore.” Everytime I bring it up and I just want clear answers, he diverts the questions to what I’ve done wrong and gets angry and starts calling me names and making me feel worthless. He also said “This lady knows who I am, she knows I wouldn’t cheat.” I called her because I was going crazy at that point. She lied for him and said she didn’t know him, but later called their old friends and got scared because I called her, thinking I was going to do something to her for communicating with my husband. He was even defending her, and scolding me telling me I should have came to him about her. And I said I DID, YOU LIED!! And he said “I can see you just don’t love me, you’re just pretending.” Y’all the mind games are too much. And he even said I deserve to be cheated on, then later lied and said he never did that. Im just hurt and confused. I need advice.


Your hubby is the king of gaslighters. If you don't know what that is, look it up. It's the quick go-to tool for cheaters to shift blame and deflect what the topic is onto you in this case. 

I mean, you know he's lying. Sorry you're having to deal with it. Hope you end up doing what will make you the happiest going forward.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

OP,

You can do so much better than him.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You just gave this dude an heir that will carry his legacy only 5 freaking months ago, and he's out there not only betraying you but being disrespectful too. As his wife, you should have FULL access to his phone, tablet, and laptop. The only reason he's getting defensive is because he's up to no good. That he would come to the defense of some homewrecking who.. over his wife and mother of his child is outrageous. 

I'm sensing despair in your post. Do you have some family support? Maybe leaving for a few days or a week will help relieve some of the stress. It is tough those first few months; and having a piece of garbage of a man, just adds to the burden. Is there anyone that has some influence on him? Like his family. If so, expose him to his family. They have a vested interest in what happens to their grandchild/nephew-niece and will put pressure on him to get his act together.

I agree with the others on getting an STD check. Any woman that knows you just gave birth and is out there screwing with him is not a good person and has probably been around.


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## Coloratura (Sep 28, 2021)

I am so very sorry you are going through this, especially with an infant to care for. Whether or not your husband has been cheating, and it certainly sounds like he has, he has said cruel things to you that no husband should say to his wife. Who says to their wife that she deserves to be cheated on?? That is absolutely terrible. That alone is enough for you to leave this man.

I have recently, finally, started the process of divorce from my husband who cheated on me for 8 years. We have been married for 27 years. I should have divorced him 8 years ago but gave him another chance, only to find he never stopped cheating.

It took me a very long time to find the courage to leave him. He is also a cruel man in the things he has said to me. With the help of TAM I am finally moving on with my life, a life without my husband in it.

Read the books “Cheating in a Nutshell” and “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.” (That book is a companion to the Chumplady.com website, which is invaluable to recognize the things cheaters do and say). Also look up Dr. Minwalla online. His research into trauma resulting from lying and infidelity is eye-opening and validating to some things you might be feeling.

Take care of yourself. Do you have any family helping you with the baby? Again, my heart goes out to you and I wish I could give you a hug!


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## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

PeaceLoveHappiness said:


> So I married my husband in 2020 & we have a baby together. I just gave birth 5 months ago. When I was dating him, he used to let me use his phone, see his messages; even though there was some hesitancy. Now while married, it has gotten worse. He changed his password to his phone so I can’t get into it. He has an iPad and I can get into that, but the iCloud is locked and I don’t know the password. He hides his messages from me, and even if I walk by him when he’s on his phone, he either turns the phone or changes what he’s looking at. The day before yesterday, he went out for a drive because we had a fight. I was “snooping” on his iPad & found an old message that I could partially see because he locked his password. The woman was from a state that he usually travels to for work, and she was asking him if she could see him at the month end. And telling him she was thinking about him. He was casually conversing with her, even when she said she wanted to see him, and when she said she was thinking of him. The messages were sent last month. I specially asked him who the lady was, and he lied to me and said he couldn’t remember her. Then he LATER said she was an old friend. And then I asked him when was the last time he talked to her, and he said 2017. He lied again. He talked to her last month. Well after he said that, I believed him, until I saw the rest of the messages where he actually replied and it was last month when he talked to her. He also claimed he told her he was married and for her to leave him alone and that he blocked her. He didn’t. He kept texting her. He lied about that too. I confronted him about it and he got defensive and angry and started calling me names telling me, “If you don’t trust me then FINE! & You make me want to cheat now. & I want to be with someone else now, because you’re stressing me. & Everyone knows I’m a good guy. & I don’t even want to be with you anymore.” Everytime I bring it up and I just want clear answers, he diverts the questions to what I’ve done wrong and gets angry and starts calling me names and making me feel worthless. He also said “This lady knows who I am, she knows I wouldn’t cheat.” I called her because I was going crazy at that point. She lied for him and said she didn’t know him, but later called their old friends and got scared because I called her, thinking I was going to do something to her for communicating with my husband. He was even defending her, and scolding me telling me I should have came to him about her. And I said I DID, YOU LIED!! And he said “I can see you just don’t love me, you’re just pretending.” Y’all the mind games are too much. And he even said I deserve to be cheated on, then later lied and said he never did that. Im just hurt and confused. I need advice.


He sounds like a narcissist and/or a pathological liar. He is obviously up to something. His disregard towards you and your feelings is unacceptable. The situation looks grim. I am sorry. I do know if you allow him to do this to you and treat you this way..it will continue and probably get worse.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

The minute he tried to make this your fault by saying that you make him want to cheat that was your cue to get out. He's absolutely cheating. He's not a good guy. Sorry.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Tell your husband (when he is next to you) to give you his phone, there and then. No him going to another room alone because he says phone is in there or in the car, or left at work (go with him). He will erase stuff and can't be trusted. I have a feeling your husband won't give you his phone, because he knows he will be caught out and will try and blame you for something and turn it into an argument. His reaction will tell you all you need to know. If he has nothing to hide he will give you his phone. We all need reassurance every now and then. From what you have said here you're husband is being abusive. You and your little one deserve better. Your child will start copying your husbands behaviour and think it's OK to talk to mummy like crap. Hope you can find the strength to leave him.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

OP,

Begin making an exit plan.

You do NOT want to be the lady 10 years from now on boards like this telling other women your age to get the helll out now and that you wished you would have years ago.

That is what you'll be thinking and saying to yourself and others in the future if you choose to stay with this so called man.


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