# Why doesn't he want to tell anyone?



## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

My husband and I are getting a divorce. We're filing the paperwork tomorrow morning.

I'm curious why my husband (whom obviously has communication issues) doesn't want to share with anyone what he is going through. I've been needing support and talking about this for months with my friends, family, almost anyone who will listen. 

Why do you suppose that he only just recently finally decided to tell his parents, and now avoids calls from his sisters, who are curious about him and his choice. He hasn't told anyone at work. He took forever to tell his family, and really he has no friends, but literally the only person he acknowledges this to is me... It was his idea to initiate the process, and even though I fought him on it, I have given in, because it is what is really best for both of us, with the solution I've come up with. 

Just looking for a man's perspective on this communication stuff, just so in my next relationship, I don't push too hard for him to communicate when he doesn't want to, and so I can understand why he doesn't want to. Also, so I don't make the mistake of trying to work things romantically with another introvert.

I'm reading this book called "Keeping The Love You Find" by Hendrix, and it's a good read, and he has a lot of insight in to the male psyche, but I'd like to hear it from multiple men. 

Why is my husband such an introvert and an avoid-er?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Mandia99508 said:


> Why is my husband such an introvert and an avoid-er?


I’m guessing your husband is like my wife, a closed book? One you can see the cover of but can’t get inside?

It’s part to do with their childhood, behaviour they inherited from their parents and part to do with genetics.

My wife is an introvert, avoider, affiliator and perfectionist. I spent a long time trying to understand it and the whys, whats and wherefores. In many ways she’s a very lovely person, responsible, reliable and many other things. I was with her a very long time. But she was also capable of self delusion and that caused our eventual break-up.

At the end of the day I came to the conclusion that the whys didn’t matter, it was the what that mattered to me.

It's not gender based.

Bob


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I really don't have intimate conversations with anyone other than my wife, either. She's basically my entire support group. If my marriage fails or my wife dies, I'm in a world of hurt cause I wouldn't have anyone else to talk to, either. I find it interesting that you are the only one he talks to about this. Could it be that, despite the difficulties you two have, that YOU are still basically his best friend and only confidant? He might have avoided talking about it because he was really hoping you two could work things out and telling the world wouldn't be necessary.


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## EynaraWolf (Aug 26, 2010)

As an introvert and avoid-er myself, but I am a woman, I'd have to say it's because you are his support group. Even when my husband and I having the bad times, he is the one I go to when I need to emotionally dump.

It's one of the reasons I looked this place up. He has a lot he's dealing with right now, and I think I might be over burdening him while he tries to work himself out, so, for him, I am trying reach out and make other support connections so he doesn't have to worry about how I am handling everything, too.

Introverts make a connection and they hang onto that for all they are worth, even when everything starts to implode around them. My husband is the one person I KNOW will not judge anything I do no matter how wonderful, or recently, obliviously jerkish I am behaving. We introverts are very trust ordinate. He still trusts you not to hurt him with the knowledge of the divorce while he doesn't trust anyone else with the information.

That is all a guess because that I how I feel as an introvert.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Interesting. I’m a way over the top extrovert and my wife a way over the top introvert.

What I’ll never understand but do accept is how one person can think either they or themselves in combination with their partner or any other one person have all the solutions to all the problems they are ever likely to come up against on their journey through life.

Some of the problems we come up against in our journey through life need “wisdom”, enlightenment or something else to resolve. I go outside my own head to seek that wisdom or enlightenment as I know I do not have all the answers to all of life’s problems. I also go outside of my own head as some form of “sanity check”, I’ve needed to do that a few times. But that’s what an extrovert does, they seek answers outside their own head and validation of their feelings from others around them.

I think introverts just accept their own feelings about a situation, they simply do not need validation from anybody else. It was not so long ago I accepted my own feelings, be they good, bad or indifferent emotions, without seeking validation of those around me. It feels much better that way. But at the same time I’m trying to balance that without becoming rigid, intolerant, inflexible, stubborn and unchanging which with due respect is what I see as the down side of being overly introverted.

Bob


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Maybe because he feels that his marriage problems are personal and don't need to be discussed with others.

Maybe he feels like he has failed (divorce = failure) and is embarassed about it.

Maybe he doesn't want to explain the reasons for the divorce.

Maybe he held out until the very last moment hoping for resolution between the two of you.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Thank you, all of you for your input. I think the only person who has really hit the nail on the head with this is Mr. Taylor. 

Although I know he wasn't hoping for a resolution. He has decided that he hates me, and every fiber of my being. He just wants me out of his life and away from him. Why.... I'm not really sure. He couldn't site specific things he hates, just that he overall hates me. Initially the seperation talk started with "we're too different" and "it's going to happen sooner or later." He's right on both accounts, he assumes that eventually I would leave him due his depression and alcohol abuse. He's probably right. I would have eventually if he didn't get help. He refused to do so. So, in the end a divorce is really necessary for both of us. I'm super excited to take on the future alone... and not have him weighing me down emotionally. I haven't had a partner in him for a very long time anyway, so in a way I'm used to being alone.

He was obviously hesitating telling his parents and family because he knew they would be disappointed in him, and they are. Very. It's tough, because they are Mormons, and they don't feel that he should have ever married outside of their faith. I think that things will continue as they have with he and his family, estranged and kept at a distance. I assume they will basically behave as if he and I were never married and simply never speak of it again, once it's over.


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