# What do you Men think...



## LemonLimeDrop (Jan 20, 2014)

My husband and I have been separated for 3 years now. He initiated the separation, he left me out of no where with our 1 year old and 6 year old. He took me to court a month later for visitation but never filed for divorce. He said many times he was filing the papers but never did. In the passed 3 years he has come back every few months. Asking for another chance, and clamming he would never leave me and the kids again. When he comes back, he is great for 2-3 months. And then after his 3 months is up, he leaves me again. He goes from love to hate in a spit second. He loves and adores me one minute and next he wont even look at me. 

A little background, He is 40 yrs old I am 27. We got engaged and then decided to start trying for a baby. We got pregnant and got married. My parents let us live in there house until we could save some money to move out. We lived at my parents house for a year and then he moved out. He moved back to his parents house. He has messed with my emotions so much. He has messed with my kids emotions so much. He is so unstable. He will come back trying to make things work. I never let him move back in, it was always a trial period of making sure things were different. he would always leave again. He leaves over everyday stress, a disagreement, not wanting to communicate. Its normal everyday marriage stuff, that he runs out on. It hurts so bad that he can love me so much but then throw it all away over and over again. I don't get how someone can do that to their family. I take him back every time because I love him and I miss him and I hope so badly that it will be different this time around.

Fast forward to now. We started seeing each other again in May and by August he was gone again. In October he came back to love mode and we started to "work things out again". Here we are now and he left me again this weekend. The reason is he told me he wanted to live with me again and didn't want to go back and forth to his parents house. I told him if it was my house I would have let him move back already, but its not my house, its my parents. My mother told me months ago, that she will never allow him to move back in. She feels he should get a place of his own, he's 40 years old and married, she feels he needs to be responsible. So I told him he couldn't move back in, but if he wanted to live with his wife and kids again, he should get a place for us. He said he cant afford to move out. I told him he should bust his butt and try and better his position at his current job making more money, or maybe looking for something different. I told him, wouldn't you feel good as a man to provide for your family, instead of relying on my parents. He's been living with his parents since he moved out 3 years ago. Before we got married and he moved into my parents house he also lived with his parents. He flipped out on me and told me I was selfish and I need to figure out a way to have him move back. if not there is no point in being together again. He canceled all our credit cards and left me with nothing, AGAIN! This is the cycle, he leaves me with nothing every time he leave. He's mad, but life still goes on and I still need to buy food for our kids. it hurts so bad that he can do this to me and the kids, over and over again. 

Just last week he was telling me how in love he was, and so happy. Swearing he would never mess this up again. He wanted to start trying for another baby and get me pregnant. Now he's back to hate mode and shuts me and our marriage and our life out. This is what he does every time he comes back and then leaves. I keep taking him back hoping things will be better, But they never are. 

What do you guys think? Am I selfish for telling him he cant move back in? Its not my decision to make. I feel lost and hurt again. I cant take the hurt anymore. Now my kids are asking, why isn't daddy here. My kids suffer just as much as I do. It kills me inside that he can be so loving and so cold the next.

He has no future goal or motivation to have his own place. He just plans on living at his parents house and then moving back to my parents.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Ok, let me get this straight. He's 40 years old. Married. Lives with his parents. Not interested in having a home with his wife and kids, wants to sponge off your parents. Gets upset at everyday life and won't stay with you more than 3 months at a time. Cuts off your money every time he leaves. Did I miss anything?

Oh, I did miss something. I missed why you haven't already divorced him.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

This is a rhetorical question right?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Divorce him! Divorce him NOW! 

You are married to a 40 man-child who can't take care of his wife, let along get his sh!t together to move out his parent's house and be a father to your children. You already gave him a chance with the separation and he did nothing. Not he's pressuring you to have another baby. You cannot be foolish enough to fall for this again.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

End the marriage based on what you've shared


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

You asked what *men* think.

This man thinks you should dump him and find a *man*, it's easy really.

You sound as though you have oneitis.


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## LemonLimeDrop (Jan 20, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> Ok, let me get this straight. He's 40 years old. Married. Lives with his parents. Not interested in having a home with his wife and kids, wants to sponge off your parents. Gets upset at everyday life and won't stay with you more than 3 months at a time. Cuts off your money every time he leaves. Did I miss anything?
> 
> Oh, I did miss something. I missed why you haven't already divorced him.


I know it sounds stupid and im embarrassed and ashamed of myself for allowing it. 

Wishful thinking that every time he comes back crying that he is telling the truth and wont leave again.

I don't get how a 40 yr old man would want to live with his wife's parents and not want to provide a place of his own for them. If I was a man, nothing would make me happier.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Where did he live when you met him? Does he have a job? What is his relationship history? Does he have a history of leaving his exes high and dry?


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

LLD...how many times do you get bit before you stop sticking your hand out? I think if my husband had done the same to me he would have had one chance to come back and after three months if he left again...bye bye...
If he is so insistant on living with your parents instead of getting a place for your family did it occur to you that he is looking for a free ride and not really interested in being a family? I'm sorry but I'm not liking him much....


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## LemonLimeDrop (Jan 20, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Where did he live when you met him? Does he have a job? What is his relationship history? Does he have a history of leaving his exes high and dry?


When I met him he shared a house with 3 other roomates. 
We dated for 6 months and then he broke up with me. He started dating a new girl and after 2-3 months they broke up. He called me and we started to hang out again. A month into us hanging out, his ex calls and tells him shes pregnant. So he breaks up with me again, because he wanted to be a "family" with her. He moved out of his roomates house and moved back with his mom since he was having a baby. The ex and him couldn't get along and did couple counseling during her pregnancy. Baby was born and she broke up with him. He called me after they broke up and told me he missed me and wanted to be back together. We started hanging out again and it wasn't fun in games. He kept me a secret from his EX. Didn't allow me to meet his son. He broke up with me and got back together with me numerous times after that. Every time saying he changed. I always gave him a chance. He came back once saying he was ready to commit and wanted to get engaged. We got engaged and even durng our engagement there was problems. We got pregnant and he moved into my parents house. He ended up leaving me again while I was pregnant 3 different times. I had the baby and he came back home. Everything was fine. He ended up leaving me again a few times after baby was born. Everytime running back to his parents house. He came back again for alittle bit and left when the baby was 12 months old and told me he wanted a divorce. 

During this whole time he lived with his parents. During our separation life with his parents. Now wanted to come back to live with my parents. Never tried to get his own place. His excuse.... I pay child support I cant afford to move out. 

He does have a job. Hes been at the same job for years. He had gotten a promotion at his job a few years ago and got paid really well. The STRESS was too much for him, he demoted himself back down, getting paid less..

Every man pays child support, it doesn't mean they live with their parents for the rest of their life. He pays his EX $300 a month.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LemonLimeDrop said:


> So he breaks up with me again, because he wanted to be a "family" with her. He* moved out of his roomates house and moved back with his mom since he was having a baby.*



Wow. 



LemonLimeDrop said:


> Baby was born and s*he broke up with him. He called me after they broke up and told me he missed me* and wanted to be back together.


How convenient for him.



LemonLimeDrop said:


> He kept me a secret from his EX. Didn't allow me to meet his son. *He broke up with me and got back together with me numerous times after that*. Every time saying he changed. I always gave him a chance. He came back once saying he was ready to commit and wanted to get engaged. We got engaged and even durng our engagement there was problems. We got pregnant and he moved into my parents house.* He ended up leaving me again while I was pregnant 3 different times. *I had the baby and he came back home. Everything was fine. *He ended up leaving me again a few times after baby was born*. Everytime running back to his parents house. *He came back again for alittle bit and left when the baby was 12 months old and told me he wanted a divorce.*
> 
> During this whole time he lived with his parents. During our separation life with his parents.* Now wanted to come back to live with my parents.* Never tried to get his own place. His excuse.... I pay child support I cant afford to move out.


Wow.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

This guy is a dud. 

he will keep leaving you all the time. 

I would stick a knife in it and be done. 

You deserve much better than this.

Try to understand WHY you keep accepting this and going back to this awful behavior and mistreatment.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

So he's broken up with you, left you, separated from you, cheated on you.... How many times? And you still think he's going to change?

The man is a dud. Let him go.

You're 27, you can start over and find someone better.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

You can file for divorce, too, you know. Considering his petulant and childish behavior, my only question is: Why are you waiting? :scratchhead: Send the bum on his way and get on with a normal life with someone who *WILL* love and cherish you. You don't need this guy.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I only had to read the first paragraph. He'll never change. End it.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I would say he sounds like a loser, but a loser should only hurt himself. 
He seems more like a parasite. To everyone around him.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

He shows up for a few months and leaves again and you're asking yourself if you're selfish for not allowing him to move back?

If you really think so, you would do well to have a lot more selfishness.


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

LemonLimeDrop said:


> My husband and I have been separated for 3 years now. He initiated the separation, he left me out of no where with our 1 year old and 6 year old. He took me to court a month later for visitation but never filed for divorce. He said many times he was filing the papers but never did. In the passed 3 years he has come back every few months. Asking for another chance, and clamming he would never leave me and the kids again. When he comes back, he is great for 2-3 months. And then after his 3 months is up, he leaves me again. He goes from love to hate in a spit second. He loves and adores me one minute and next he wont even look at me.
> 
> A little background, He is 40 yrs old I am 27. We got engaged and then decided to start trying for a baby. We got pregnant and got married. My parents let us live in there house until we could save some money to move out. We lived at my parents house for a year and then he moved out. He moved back to his parents house. He has messed with my emotions so much. He has messed with my kids emotions so much. He is so unstable. He will come back trying to make things work. I never let him move back in, it was always a trial period of making sure things were different. he would always leave again. He leaves over everyday stress, a disagreement, not wanting to communicate. Its normal everyday marriage stuff, that he runs out on. It hurts so bad that he can love me so much but then throw it all away over and over again. I don't get how someone can do that to their family. I take him back every time because I love him and I miss him and I hope so badly that it will be different this time around.
> 
> ...


Sounds similar to a Bipolar relationship! I suggest you do some research on bipolar disorder and having relationships with those people.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: What do you Men think...*



LemonLimeDrop said:


> I don't get how a 40 yr old man would want to live with his wife's parents and not want to provide a place of his own for them. If I was a man, nothing would make me happier.


That's because he's not forty emotionally. He's between twelve and seventeen. I can almost here the score to "Peter Pan" in the background. 

Get yourself out of this marriage and find a MAN (not a man child) that would offer you the respect of a commitment and act as a role model for your children. That's what you deserve. That's what everyone deserves.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Shakes head. Being married means you need to do a lot of things that you don't want to do. Garbage. Making meals when you're tired. Visiting the In Laws. Child care.

And yes, putting up with the spouse. Because most relationships have ups and downs. He cuts country every single time he gets a bit overwhelmed.

And you let him.

I think it was a good thing that you let him back the first time. Everyone makes stupid mistakes. Everyone has doubts.

I think it amazing that you let him back the second time. That shows a generosity of spirit you rarely find.

The third time...

At this point, I am uncertain why you continue to allow this. Stop.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

The question should be why do you continue to love somebody that hurts not only you BUT YOUR KIDS????

At one point their happiness comes first. Not yours. They need stability and that fool is unstable. You can't worry about whether you love him or not. Worry about the example you are setting for those children. Your 6 year old is soaking all of this up.


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## LemonLimeDrop (Jan 20, 2014)

sinnister said:


> The question should be why do you continue to love somebody that hurts not only you BUT YOUR KIDS????
> 
> At one point their happiness comes first. Not yours. They need stability and that fool is unstable. You can't worry about whether you love him or not. Worry about the example you are setting for those children. Your 6 year old is soaking all of this up.




I know you are right about the kids. I know they needs a good example and stability. But I also see how happy they are when we are all together as a family. When hes in his good mode, things are nice. But its doesn't last long. I keep taking him back because I hope so bad that he will be different. I have lost all hope at this point. Im so weak when it comes to him. He always hurts me and the kids so bad, I start to move on with my life and he comes back after a few months. Always when im getting back on my feet. 

I take marriage very seriously and family is everything to me. I just want it so bad to work, I take him back over and over. Im a very forgiving person and that's one of my weaknesses. I just want love and peace. Im stupid, I know. ANd I hate myself for being so weak.

I have no desire to date or meet new people. I just want my family. I just want my husband to be a husband. 

I feel like im in a hole and I don't know how to keep myself out of it.

thanks for replying


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## LemonLimeDrop (Jan 20, 2014)

JCD said:


> Shakes head. Being married means you need to do a lot of things that you don't want to do. Garbage. Making meals when you're tired. Visiting the In Laws. Child care.
> 
> And yes, putting up with the spouse. Because most relationships have ups and downs. He cuts country every single time he gets a bit overwhelmed.
> 
> ...


Its exactly what he does. ANy time something serious happens, stress, disagreement. He runs, he leave and breaks apart our family. 

I don't understand how someone can be married and so happy, "in love", but then be able to leave it so easily. He goes from love to hate in a split second. Hes on person for a few weeks and then someone completely different the next. Hes either nice or evil. I don't get it. Marriage has its ups and downs, why does he run every single time its gets bad. IVe never even heard of this before. Back and forth like this. What really baffles me is his parents don't see anything wrong with this. Why aren't they telling their son, to be a husband. Its crazy. 

Thanks for replying


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## LemonLimeDrop (Jan 20, 2014)

anchorwatch said:


> That's because he's not forty emotionally. He's between twelve and seventeen. I can almost here the score to "Peter Pan" in the background.
> 
> Get yourself out of this marriage and find a MAN (not a man child) that would offer you the respect of a commitment and act as a role model for your children. That's what you deserve. That's what everyone deserves.


I know and that's all I want. Just a committed marriage. I don't ask for much I really don't. But its so weird I cant picture myself with anyone else. Its scares me, just thinking about dating again. I lost hope in men after all this I been through. Are there really good, decent guys out there? Coming on this web page makes it even scarier because I read all these awful things that are happening in marriages.

thanks for replying


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## LemonLimeDrop (Jan 20, 2014)

heyheyitschrish said:


> Sounds similar to a Bipolar relationship! I suggest you do some research on bipolar disorder and having relationships with those people.



He did go to a psych 3 years ago. HE got DX with bipolar. He said it was the lowest grade one. And also got dx with depression. He takes a mood stabilizer and anti depressant. When he use to do his little run away cycle, I would point it out what he was doing and remind him its probably the bipolar. I told him I don't think the meds are helping because nothing is changing. He swears he doesn't have bi polar. And he also swears his meds are working.

He says the only person he treats this way is me. And if its just me then its probably because I am the problem. 

So yeah he definitely has a mood disorder. Its so hard to help someone who is in denial of their own behavior, even after getting DX with it and even after taking meds for the disorder.

When the cycle begins and hes on "hate mode", he manipulates everything and makes me second guess myself and wonder if it was me like he said. I know im a great wife and wonderful mother. He loves and adores me so much, but when he gets in that mode, hes hates me, he doesn't see anything but hate. I cant snap him out of it. I have to wait until he snaps out of it. I cant keep living like this, but I love him. I just want to be a family with him. I know I cant and ive lost all hope at this point. I just need to figure out how to move on with my life. And most of all I need to figure out how to stay strong when he comes back crying in a few months. He makes me weak.

thanks for reply


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I'm afraid you're making excuses. You say he "makes you weak" but that's falsely pretending he has power and you don't. You have the power.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

This guy must be really skilled with women.Its impressive in a sick way.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

LemonLimeDrop said:


> I take marriage very seriously and family is everything to me. I just want it so bad to work, I take him back over and over. Im a very forgiving person and that's one of my weaknesses.* I just want love and peace.* Im stupid, I know. ANd I hate myself for being so weak.


If family means everything and all you want is love and peace, why do you let him keep stirring the pot for his own amusement every few months? It's clearly not good for you. It's certainly not good for your kids. How much longer until they learn to act like him and blow you off whenever they feel like it? How long until they start acting out from repeated abandonment from their father?

If you can't do it for your own sake, do it for your kids.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Quant said:


> This guy must be really skilled with women.Its impressive in a sick way.


Or not. 

Most women who have a good self-esteem would not be dealing with this.

Lemon, kick his a$$ to the curb and move on with your life. He is not good for you.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

LemonDrop, I think you are the problem and you are your own worst enemy. You keep taking him back, over and over so you keep bringing this crap into your life.

You already know from years of experience exactly who he is and what he will do - you know he will NEVER be the husband and father you wish he were.

The only thing you can change here is your behavior. _Stop taking him back. _


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