# My wife shows no affection, and doesnt believe in me



## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Ok guys Ive seem to have run into a little marriage problem and I just dont get it.
Me and my wife have been married for a little over 2 years, and our marriage has always been awesome, actually I think our marriage has only gotten better and I am still very much in love with my wife and she was with me too until recently, maybe she still is but shes not showing it. 
Little back story first on how we met...

Me and my wife met about 3 and a half years ago on the internet, we would talk for hours everyday, some days 30 minutes some days up to 10 hours, on average probably about 3 hours a day, I would come home at lunch from work, I had only 30 minutes for lunch but would log on msn just to see her for 5 minutes, then head back to work, after work, usually I would see her for a little then I would go to the gym and after an hour or two come back home and spend a good number or hours talking to her via webcam, some days she would hang out with her friends, but those days we would constantly text each other. She lived in Mexico I in Canada and we had never met in person. 
Before I met my wife kickboxing was my life for about 3 years, and martial arts all together for about 5 and a half years or so, I had gotten kind of tired of it and had decided to take a break for a few months or so, I didnt think it was the end of martial arts and kickboxing for me, I loved competing, I was competing only on the amateur level but dreamed of one day going pro. But like I said I had gotten pretty tired of it and felt I needed some time away. During this time I met this beautiful girl on the internet, and fell in love with her. Kickboxing no longer mattered to me as much, but every once in a while I would crave it alot, thats why I still always kept going to the gym, I would talk to her about sometimes how I missed fighting, she never really said to much about it, I got the feeling that she thought it was cool, but didnt like the idea of me getting punched.
Months passed and we met in person, I drove to mexico, it was about a 30 hour drive, we spent a week together and it was the best week of my life, 2 weeks later I got some more time off of work and drove down to mexico again to see her, I was only able to stay 1 and a half days but it was well worth it. During the next year or so I drove down to mexico four more times, the fourth time I got on one knee and we got engaged. She came back to canada with me and stayed here for 3 weeks. After 3 weeks she flew back to mexico to finish school. We only saw each other on webcam for the next 6 months, we were saving up for the wedding. We got married, our honeymoon was awesome, when we got back here to canada things started to change.
We were very much in love still, she wasnt able to work at first for about 2 years because of her not having her immigration, but she supported me everyday by getting up with me making me breakfast, at lunch I always came home she made me awesome mexican food, after work she would massage me, make dinner, and we spent the evenings watching movies and working out or taking the dogs for walks, sometimes we would go out on dates but usually didnt have too much money to spend but we were always happy just being together. A few times her family came here to visit and we have gone out to mexico to visit, she misses her family but keeps in touch with them by internet and phone. I feel bad for her sometimes but try to be there for her as much as possible. 
For the past 6 months we both work, she works part time, some weeks fulltime. We still leave each other love notes around the house, she still makes me lunch everyday. She normally works only afternoons. She never wakes up in the morning with me anymore, which is totally fine with me, but she just isnt crazy for me anymore. I bring her flowers sometimes, kiss her and tell her I love her first thing in the morning, throughout the day I compliment her, I feel crazy for her everyday but seems to me she doesnt feel crazy for me. I am usually done work a couple hours before her, so I hit the gym then, she no longer goes to the gym with me, she lost interest I think. Usually she makes supper one day, I make supper the next day, making food together with her is a nightmare, its all her way or the highway it seems. Any work around the house she doesnt trust me with, I do the dishes every day usually several times, overall I clean but bits here and there, she goes on a complete cleaning spree about once or twice a week, the rest of the time shes not a very clean person. She thinks she is though. I pick her up after work and week drive home together she asks me about my day, but often before I can even answer she talks about hers. So I listen and ask, I talk to her, the rest of the evening she doesnt seem to care how my day was. I am ok with it though, I love hearing about her day, I dont like talking about my job all the much cuz its not all that interesting. Overall I would say our marriage is pretty good, at first I would never really clean around the house, but for the past 6 months have improved alot in this area. I always show my love to her and am always complimenting her, kissing her. Most of the time she doesnt kiss back, only small pecks, its hard to kiss her for more than 1 second. 
Life in the bedroom has gotton gradually worse. When we married we were both virgins, so maybe this is part of the problem. I am the one craving sex all the time, she hardly ever initiates sex, I used to get upset, and we talked about it. I was sometimes too rude in the way I said it, but have worked on that. Ive gone to countless marriage websites, how to be a better husband, how to get your wife to be in love with you, how to get your wife to initiate sex, etc, etc, I have googled them all, and have worked hard at it. And sometimes I get better results, but most of the time she just doesnt seem interested in sex, she loves it like crazy the stuff I do to her, I can tell, she loves the act of sex, but doesnt seem interested in initiating, she doesnt like to return oral sex, unless I ask for it and at that point I am kind of turned off by it, I hate asking for certain sexual acts, so I have tried talking to her about it in a very nice way. She always feels insulted, and sometimes says thats all I ever think about is sex. Although she will never say no to sex, it sometimes seems like I am having sex with a blow up doll, where all the sexual acts are because of my desire, at first sometimes she tried different oral techniques, but seems to have lost interest. We have bought some sex toys, but she never seems interested to use them. I love my wife, I feel crazy for her and am very attracted to her. She used to love it when I touched her, either in a sexual way or non sexual way, she hardly responds to it anymore. I massage her alot, but that will always put her to sleep, and once she feels tired, she doesnt come out of it for the rest of the evening. So I sit there feeling rejected. I have talked to her about joining the gym again, but she doesnt seem too interested, she lacks energy all the time, but I tell her that would make her feel better and more energetic, she usually doesnt respond to me saying that. She feels bad at least a few times a week, either with headaches, or just sore, or just not in the mood.
Over the last 2 and a half years I have mentioned numerous times that I would like to go back to kickboxing, I loved to go back to training to fight, she is very opposed to it. When I first mentioned it she started to cry. So I always feel bad, over our marriage Ive talked about it to her countless times that kickboxing and martial arts are a very big part of me, she sees it as useless, and doesnt want a husband who comes home bruised and beaten up. I tell her that in all my bouts I never got hurt bad, that theres always the chance of getting hurt but tell her I could get hurt at work too, I dont love my job so much that I want to stay there the rest of my life, I love it for what it is, thats a pay check to pay check job, nothing to make a career out of. She tells me to go to college or take a course and become a personal trainer. I tell her I would love to do that one day, but feel like I am still an athlete, and would love to compete because I am only 23 years old and have too much energy and love for fighting and martial arts, but she totally opposes all that. 
She sometimes watches ufc and boxing with me, she gets interested sometimes, at first she didnt but sometimes she ever cheers along with me. So she has gotten more exposure to fighting. 
So this last week I decided to finally go back to kickboxing, I talked it over with her first but she didnt like it. I told her I just wanted to train for now, just for the workout. She still didnt like it. So I went, when I came home she would hardly speak to me. She just went to bed. 2 days later I was getting ready to go again. She seemed in a better mood, when she asked me where I was going or if I was going anywhere, I told her to go train. She turned over, I went over to talk to her, but she wouldnt look at me and and just cried. She told me to go that I would be late. But I said I am not going unless we can talk about it first. She said theres nothing to talk about. I stayed there with her and didnt go training. That was Thursday. Me and her havent had a proper conversation since, just basic stuff about our pregnant dog, about the weather and purses and dresses shes interested in buying online. But actually since tuesday she hadnt kissed me till this morning when I massaged her back before work, she give me a little peck. But wouldnt really say anything. It was more of a forced kiss. She hasnt smiled at me since tuesday. She told me wednesday night she didnt know if me and her were going to work. She said that the whole idea of me going to school was bull****. I told her that I am good at martial arts that thats what I love doing aside from spending time with her. But she still thinks martial arts is totally useless. I asked her to come and watch a class, but she said never. I asked her to support me in my training, but she said she couldnt do that, sounds like she doesnt want me to do what I love doing, and know I am good at. 
I told her yesterday that if it just doesnt work for her that I compete in martial arts that I would love to just train, just workout. But she opposes that too, shes ok with me going to the gym, but anything to do with martial arts or kickboxing she is totally against. 
I dont want to put fighting first, besides god my wife is number 1, fighting is after, thats my thinking. I told her I would never put fighting before her, just wanted her to support me in my training, and competing. 

That is a long long story, and thank you for anyone who finished reading it. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You have two problems. A medium sized one and a giant one. 

The medium sized problem is the kickboxing. She sees that as harmful to your marriage. I get that it is fun - but if you get injured and can't work/help around the house it is a problem. So unless you can make a giant amount of money doing it - train - hit a bag - etc - but don't fight. 

The giant problem is this. You are a high testosterone male with a super high sex drive. I know you very well - I am you. So let me help you by virtue of the fact that at 46 - I have 21 years experience making this work in a single very happy long term relationship. 

You are crowding your wife. It is hard not to, very hard - but you have to stop. You are crowding her:
- sexually - you want sex way more then she does
- emotionally - you are saying I love you, texting/love notes way more then she is too you and way more THEN SHE WANTS
- physically - you are likely touching/hugging/be affectionate more then she wants

So this is a case where LESS IS MORE. Back off. Try this for a week. Stop - totally stop saying I love you - sending texts - etc. You can say it back to her if she says it first. But you cannot initiate - you cannot say I love you first. 

A relationship is a type of conflict - combat - it really is. You are coming across as WEAK by projecting way more love at her then she is sending back to you. This would be like having a kickboxing match while you are ON YOUR KNEES and your opponent is standing. 

So - stop approach her for affection/hugs kisses. Stop approaching her for sex. Spend less time with her. Only response to her when she shows you love. 

If she initiates sex, or in a low key way encourages you to initiate - then do it. And make it fun for her - and stop worrying about getting bjs for the moment. Because you need to regain the power in this marriage. Right now you are the WEAKER HALF. Which is a total turn off for a woman. 

Sorry - but one last piece of the puzzle. Sit down and come up with a plan for YOU to earn more money. And then put effort into that and start making it happen. Don't talk about it much with her - you can mention it - but don't make a big deal about it. 

If you do all this, she will chase you, she will fall more for you. If you keep doing what you are doing, it will be like kickboxing with no training and from your knees. You will just keep getting your ass whipped every day.











marriedguy said:


> Ok guys Ive seem to have run into a little marriage problem and I just dont get it.
> Me and my wife have been married for a little over 2 years, and our marriage has always been awesome, actually I think our marriage has only gotten better and I am still very much in love with my wife and she was with me too until recently, maybe she still is but shes not showing it.
> Little back story first on how we met...
> 
> ...


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> A relationship is a type of conflict - combat - it really is


when all you own is a hammer

all problems appear as nails


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

One problem I see you have is you moved to Canada, away from her family and friends and she could miss them. Also another problem is you seem to think your married life should be like when you dated... and marriage is not like dating.
This could be one of those situations where the fire burned hot at first and often with realtionships like that, they burn out fast because there was nothing more to base the marriage on than superficial things.


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

Good answer MIM. As a woman I have to agree. The honeymoon is obviously over and the reality just hit her - after a few years of a close relationship we tend to become less understanding and tolerating of our partners needs... you are obviously the one who is showing more affection than she needs and wants. Women like the thrill of a chase too, and if you make it too easy, it can feel too boring. Women see men (many times) as childish due to their somewhat stupid hobbies and she may think that fighting is very primitive - she most likely craves a more "business-oriented" male that focuses on his career instead of physical shape and "cosmetic" appearance. I am married to a guy that loves gym too - it bothers me sometimes, his obsession with physical looks and muscles etc. I don't find fit men attractive, instead i prefer intelligent, dominant, confident, successful men... This might not have much to do with your problem... but i think in general she needs a bit space from you (you guys barely knew each other when you got married) - talking online doesn't count - it's the personal presence that really counts. You need to give her space and stop bothering her about sex. The more you will bother her the more she will reject you. I have personal experience with this.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Thanks for all the answers, greatly appreciate it. 
Its now 6 days later and I have tried being less affectionate towards her all the time, actually I mightve over done it, because by the second day she started asking me things like whats up or whats wrong. Twice she has initiated. 
All this sounds kind of funny, marriage has become almost like a game to me, its working, but...what now, after nearly a week? Do I keep acting the same way? I love the fact she is all over me, she hasnt been like this for a long time, its like shes constantly longing for kisses and hugs...like if we are watching a movie and I need to get up to go to the bathroom, she will look up smile and ask, wheres my kiss?
I gotta say it feels good to not constantly be chasing her, alot of the chasing was because I read some advice before about how to get your wife to feel crazy for you again, and alot of advice I found was to hug her all the time, tell her I love you all the time, ect.etc, but its true, that makes you a damn puppy, makes you look needy, I can now see how thats a big turn off for women. So..heres my question, how much affection do I show, and how to initiate without looking needy. I dont always want to wait for her to initiate.

Also, with my first post it sounded as though my wife isnt into romance too much or hugging and kissing, thats not true at all, actually I think shes a real cuddly type, her whole family is, I have never seen a couple being affectionate to each other as much as her parents are, they have a great great relationship and look like they are in love 24/7. I want that kind of relationship, and me and my wife have that, it just when I initiate affection too much I think she becomes overwhelmed with it.

What do you guys think?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MG,

I am really happy to see how much you have accomplished so quickly. Most guys are simply not disciplined enough to do what you did. They do it for one or two days and then crumble. Then they go right back to crowding their woman and mess it all up. 

Some questions for you. 
- What are you going to do about kickboxing - that is important?
- Are you comfortable paying attention to how you interact so that you can keep things how they are now? 

Personally I love the affection thing. My wife wants hugs, kisses, to lie side by side touching while we watch tv. She is good about giving me massages - which I love - and I love to give them to her. 

Have you tried giving your wife a full body massage - either just for fun - or as a type of foreplay? 

By the way there are games you can play that make it really fun. You can either play "I touch, you touch" - in this game you lie down first and have her spend 5-10 minutes massaging YOU exactly the way SHE likes to be massaged. As soon as you understand it - how and where she likes to be massaged in her neck, back, butt, legs, and feet - then you practice on her and ask her if you are doing it exactly how she likes. I ask:
- Faster or slower
- Harder or softer 
- squeezing or tapping, fingers or palms or knuckles

As for sex - when she initiates that means she is more open to pushing the edge a bit. Have you played around with you being dominant?

- This can either just be verbal - you tell her you are the boss/master whatever and she HAS to do what you say or
- You can restrain her - hold both of her wrists with one of your hands - hold her wrists together and pin her arms over her head and then talk to her - about how you are in control and say what you are going to do to her. 
- Carefully - you can play around with being a little rough - light spanking - stuff like that - just pay close attention - if she says stop - you stop pronto - but this can be really fun

I am guessing she will LOVE you being dominant. There is a reason she is attracted to a guy like you to begin with. 

All three items above make my wife crazy. Truly off the charts crazy. It has made a big difference in our love life over the years. 






marriedguy said:


> Thanks for all the answers, greatly appreciate it.
> Its now 6 days later and I have tried being less affectionate towards her all the time, actually I mightve over done it, because by the second day she started asking me things like whats up or whats wrong. Twice she has initiated.
> All this sounds kind of funny, marriage has become almost like a game to me, its working, but...what now, after nearly a week? Do I keep acting the same way? I love the fact she is all over me, she hasnt been like this for a long time, its like shes constantly longing for kisses and hugs...like if we are watching a movie and I need to get up to go to the bathroom, she will look up smile and ask, wheres my kiss?
> I gotta say it feels good to not constantly be chasing her, alot of the chasing was because I read some advice before about how to get your wife to feel crazy for you again, and alot of advice I found was to hug her all the time, tell her I love you all the time, ect.etc, but its true, that makes you a damn puppy, makes you look needy, I can now see how thats a big turn off for women. So..heres my question, how much affection do I show, and how to initiate without looking needy. I dont always want to wait for her to initiate.
> ...


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

The kickboxing-
Well not so good. In short pretty much everytime I decide to go she gets upset, she doesnt say anything just sits there looking sad, sometimes with tears in her eyes. I try to talk to her but it doesnt really work. So Ive gotten ready to go training only 4 times the last 2 weeks, three times I ended up staying home because I felt bad about it cuz she started getting that attitude, the one time I did go she wouldnt talk to me afterwards, and for the next 3 days it was very small talk only. 
Everytime I try to talk about it she gets emotional, she thinks I want to do it to fight again, and honestly thats what I want although there are other issues I have with kickboxing that have nothing to do with her. For example I dont really agree with the things my trainer says, or why he sticks to the same routine for 3 years, or his fight day preperation, I think his methods when it comes to preparing (eating, sleeping) often are very useless and dont work. But he is my only option here, and the techneque he teaches is far better than some other schools I have gone to.
Pretty much, I have struggled since I was 14 wether fighting was for me or not, I loved it when I was doing it, love the training, hate the anxiety issues I have before fights, the anxiety issues my trainer has before his fighters fight(maybe he shouldnt put guys with 1 month of training against guys with 3 years of experience), whenever I quit for a while I would crave it some much I had to go back. Once Im back I get sick of being controlled by someone else really quick. If only I could learn techneque from my trainer, spar with other students, but prepare myself then I would be happy, but its the preperation that me and my trainer dont agree with. Problem is I dont really let him know, I have a hard time saying no to people.


The other issue, with my wife.
It was fine that last time I posted on here, things seemed good, but the problem is I feel I destroy to momentum everytime I mention kickboxing. Any romance in our relationship is gone when I talk about it. And it remains gone for a while. Thing is I get emotional about it sometimes because I feel like I am unable to persue my dream of fighting, and being really good at it, and making money with it. My wife does not support that at all. Whenever I start trying to convince my wife it seems like I just dropped a big bomb on our relationship, feels as though I am cheating on her. 
It just seems that my marriage and kickboxing together dont work, its one of the other. If I can only have one I feel miserable. Sometimes it feels if I have both I feel too much pressure. I suck at dealing with balancing my life.
I have kept going with being less desperate and actually right now I dont really feel desperate at all anyways, I feel like me wife doesnt love me for who I really am deep down, so I am not really starving for romance from her. For the first week she like I said in one of my previous posts she was starting to instigate. I even when shopping with her the other day almost all day long, and was interested, we picked up a dress for her, and she had a great time...we were doing awesome again, problem was, that night I mentioned fighting again and shes been upset since. Its now 3 days later. 

I dont know what to do anymore.

If I go training I upset my wife. If I stay at home, my trainer and everyone I train with are all asking me why I am not training. All of them always speak of how good I could be. I sick of hearing all that, it just puts pressure on me. I wish I could start somewhere new, where nobody knew me and just be me. But with my wife, I cannot be 100 percent me. Seems like I am always just acting to be a good husband, not actually being the husband she wants because the person deep down inside me she doesnt love.


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## dawnie (Nov 17, 2009)

Set your priorities. 

If your marriage is important but also important about how your wife fears for your safety, which is more important to you? 

Keeping up with fitness is important, but can you take up something else? Running? Weights? What about running together? Biking? If her fitness isn't up to yours you might have to slow down waiting for her to catch up, but why not? If she enjoys it, then it is something you can both do. If she's not into it, then try something else fitness oriented that you might like to do, but one that your wife won't fear for your safety. There's more to life than kick boxing. And different sports too. City soccer league? Baseball?


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