# What do i do?



## Fredbothers (Mar 18, 2014)

My wife and I have been together since we were young she was 15 I was 17 when we met, Love at first sight. So we've been through everything together. We have been together for 16 years and married 8 years with 2 children.
8 weeks ago we separated due to her not in love with me any more she told me her feeling have changed. Over the last 6 months or so we have been stuck in a rut, I had a new job so did she we had child number 2 and I think that this got on top of us and we couldn't deal with it together, I turned to drinking every night, which obviously didn't help. And we ended up just being like friends. Anyway the wife broke it off because of the way she felt.

The first 3 weeks was hard e had little contact. I took her out for her birthday and we ended up sleeping together, the next day she said that we are not together it was just sex. Then a few days after that she said that we should not be spending time together as we have split up and it's not right. 
Weeks 4-5 we hardly saw each other only saw each other because of the kids, who I see often, she said she will always allow me to see the kids. 
Week 5-6 after talking to my wife about our relationship etc, she told me that she slept with a guy from work, who she has constantly been seeing since we separated, (she told me that he is a friend) He stays over they go out and they have sex. WTF!! I was so shocked to know that she had sex with him, so not like my wife at all, she's acting out of character. She hasn't bothered with her friends that we both know, and the guy is completely opposite to me.
Week 7 I had to talk to her about this guy as I couldn't understand how she has moved on so quickly, she said that it just happened. She said that she does not want a relationship with him she just wants to have fun and be single. I asked her does she miss me and she said no and she started to cry, she said that she thought she would miss me and we would be back together. Why would she cry if she didn't have feelings for me?
Week 8 I went to the house to get a few things, she wasn't there. So I let myself in,(its our marital home) and found her mobile phone left on the table, yes,.... yes I did!!! I read her text messages to this new guy.
She said that she only wants him, no one else, that she wants to have her future with him, talking about babies!!! She said that she is falling for him, basically loves him. And he's been saying all the right things as you'd expect. 
How can my wife of 8 years move on so quickly with another guy?, I haven't even thought about that yet. I'm trying to heal myself and trying to move on. She has been with this guy since we separated, and she said that he is a friend and over time she has had feelings for him... seriously it's only been 8 weeks.

So just need some advice what to do? I do love her and can't understand why she is acting this way. I would try to get her back, but I'm not sure how? or even if it's possible.
Any advice please.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

You want to know how she could fall for the other guy so quickly, in the short time since you separated. I hate to tell you this, but I'm pretty sure she was ALREADY involved with him, and HE is the REASON you are separated.

That's generally the way these things go. And that's why you got the "my feelings have changed" speech. And you can also be pretty sure she's lying about the timeline, about when they actually started sleeping together.

Others will be along here soon to give you very good advice. Hang in there...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Fredbothers said:


> My wife and I have been together since we were young she was 15 I was 17 when we met, Love at first sight. So we've been through everything together. We have been together for 16 years and married 8 years with 2 children.
> 8 weeks ago we separated due to her not in love with me any more she told me her feeling have changed. Over the last 6 months or so we have been stuck in a rut, I had a new job so did she we had child number 2 and I think that this got on top of us and we couldn't deal with it together, I turned to drinking every night, which obviously didn't help. And we ended up just being like friends. Anyway the wife broke it off because of the way she felt.
> 
> The first 3 weeks was hard e had little contact. I took her out for her birthday and we ended up sleeping together, the next day she said that we are not together it was just sex. Then a few days after that she said that we should not be spending time together as we have split up and it's not right.
> ...


She said she doesn't love you. She's having sex with another man. What do you want?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Yes she is moving fast after separation as it was most likely going on before. Generally by the time you get the “speech” they become fully engulfed in an affair. She wont give you the full truth so don’t expect it. 

Read up on affair fog on this site, you will find the similarities in your story to so many, blame shifting, sudden change in behavior, rewriting history the list goes on. You’re her plan B in case the new guy doesn’t work out. She wont miss you right now because she is in playland. Suddenly a whole new world has opened up to her and this is part of the short term thrill the newly separated get. Almost always in separation one sits and waits, the other have well fun. 

Most of what people will tell you will go against what your heart is telling you. Don’t beg and plead or try to convince her, the more you talk and try to work it out the more you reinforce in her head she wants out. Has anyone filed any legal paperwork yet? If not, move back into your house, why are you making in convenient for her? 

Find yourself an attorney as quickly as possible and start the legal process. You need to bring reality back into her world and the longer you allow it to go on the more entrenched into dreamland she will be. Whether you want to try and reconcile or not this is your best plan. It is hard, you wont like a minute of this and your heart will tell you different. 

Don’t listen to what she is saying and understand that you didn’t cause her to start seeing anyone else. That is completely her decision. Limit your communication with her to only talk of children. She feels she has nothing to lose right now and you need to start changing her mind and she needs to start seeing you in a different light. You also need to start letting your rational brain do the thinking and decide what you want now and see what is truly going on.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

She's in the affair fog. Grass is so much greener, for now. 

Look up doing the 180. 

It sucks to be a member of this club.


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## Fredbothers (Mar 18, 2014)

indiecat said:


> She's in the affair fog. Grass is so much greener, for now.
> 
> Look up doing the 180.
> 
> It sucks to be a member of this club.


Will it still work if we don't live together??
I guess from reading the 180 it's to show her that I am positive about my life and am a better person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Piggy (Apr 24, 2014)

180 is not getting her back. 
180 is for you leaving her. 
She Wan you back or not is her choice to make. 
Sad to say not all ws regret their choice


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Fred,

You may want to consider asking the moderators to move this thread to the "Coping with Infidelity" forum... you will get a lot more traffic and a lot more advice.


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## Fredbothers (Mar 18, 2014)

So currently I'm living with my parents, the wife asked for the key to our house, she said she doesn't want me in the house when she's not there.
Can I move back into our house?
How can I try and get back with her by moving back in?
I know it'll be difficult for her to see this guy, my biggest issue is our kids. How can she introduce a new guy so soon after separating??
I've looked at the 180 and if I moved back in I will do that, do I tell her I'm moving back In? Or just do it?
Do I tell her I know she was with this guy before we broke up, as I recently found out that she had been meeting him after work. And I have proof.
Do I put it on Facebook that she is having an affair? To humiliate her?
Please any advice what to do next will be appreciated 
She's in her own world never seen her like this before, it's hard not to keep talking to her about my feelings but I know I must be strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Fredbothers said:


> So currently I'm living with my parents, the wife asked for the key to our house, she said she doesn't want me in the house when she's not there.


I'll start by making the assumption that both your names are on the mortgage. That being said, you move back in ASAP. You do not leave the marital home. It can be construed as abandonment. If you are on the mortgage and title, your wife has no legal standing to order you to leave.




FredBothers said:


> How can I try and get back with her by moving back in?


At this point, just move back in. Forget trying to get back with her, particularly since it appears she is having an affair. She wants you to stay out of the house so bf can come over and hang out with her. You being there would present an obstacle to that. If you move back in, my guess is she'll become hostile and will stay out of the house a great deal. 

Bottom line for now: she doesn't want you back. And you trying to win her back will look clingy/wimpy.



FredBothers said:


> Do I tell her I know she was with this guy before we broke up, as I recently found out that she had been meeting him after work. And I have proof.


I suggest you move this thread to the CWI section. You have proof she is seeing another man. Make sure you have plenty of proof. Even with it, she is most likely going to deny anything is going on. If she does, she'll try turning the tables by getting defensive and blaming the breakdown of the marriage on you.

The 180 is FOR YOU. NOT HER. Don't go airing your dirty laundry on Facebook or any other social media. Want to air your dirty laundry? Do so with an attorney.

Tell her to get the OM out of her life. Man up. Don't whine, cry, or beg. This is a time you need to be strong. If she's screwing around on you, YOU are the wronged party.

She wants this OM so badly? Tell her to move out of YOUR house and go shack up with him.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

:iagree:

Everything Prodigal said.

Contact "Deejo" (do a search of members on this site) and ask him to move your thread to "Coping with Infidelity."

If your name is on the mortgage or lease, YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE THERE. Only a court order can make you vacate.

YOU NEED TO PURCHASE A VOICE ACTIVATED RECORDER *NOW* and carry it with you at all times. Record EVERY conversation you have as you're moving back in. WS's are KNOWN to call the police with false allegations -- "he threatened me, I'm scared of him, blah blah blah" to get you temporarily removed from the house. If you have recordings of yourself responding in a calm, collect manner (of course, she won't know you're recording her) this will go A LONG way towards keeping you in the house and out of jail. Plus, the court will look VERY negatively on her calling law enforcement and lying about it.

Fred, it's time to start lining up your ducks in a row.

Move back in, move to the spare bedroom or office, do NOT engage her in ANY arguments.

And go over to Best Buy TODAY and buy a *Sony Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) with a lithium battery.*

Be smart. Do not let her get ahead of you at this point in the game.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You should have never left the home. Move back ASAP.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Fredbothers said:


> Will it still work if we don't live together??
> I guess from reading the 180 it's to show her that I am positive about my life and am a better person.


Yep the 180 is not about getting her back or showing her that you are a positive person. It's about you holding yourself together and getting to the point where you move on if she does not give up her affair.

Read the link below.

I suggest that you get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It's a good road map on what to do.

What do you know about her affair partner? Is he married?

Your wife has been having an affair that probably started before she left you. There is almost zero chance that this affair will ever be anything other than a sleazy affair. Only 3% of affairs ever turn into anything more than what they are. What your wife does not seem to realize is that this is not going to last.

Read the book and then you need to make some hard choices on what direction you want to take here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

richie33 said:


> You should have never left the home. Move back ASAP.


I agree with you. It's still your legal residence. If she wants to have an affair, she can move out and leave the children with you.

So #1, move back in.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Fredbothers said:


> So currently I'm living with my parents, the wife asked for the key to our house, she said she doesn't want me in the house when she's not there.


Of course she does not want you in YOUR house. She wants to replace you with her affair partner. By moving out, you made it easy for her to do this. So now you have to re-establish that it’s your legal residence and you are not going to roll over so she can do this.


Fredbothers said:


> Can I move back into our house?


Yes you can. Just move back in. It’s probably best to do it when she’s not there, move your stuff back.


Fredbothers said:


> How can I try and get back with her by moving back in?


The fastest way to ensure that you do not get back with her was to move out… most people who separate never, ever get back together. You have to be together to have a chance to save your marriage.


Fredbothers said:


> I know it'll be difficult for her to see this guy, my biggest issue is our kids. How can she introduce a new guy so soon after separating??


When you move back in you tell her that you are appalled that not only is she having an affair, but that she brought your children into her sleazy affair. 


Fredbothers said:


> I've looked at the 180 and if I moved back in I will do that, do I tell her I'm moving back In? Or just do it?


Do it. Then tell her that it’s your legal residence. And as such neither of you can kick the other out. 


Fredbothers said:


> Do I tell her I know she was with this guy before we broke up, as I recently found out that she had been meeting him after work. And I have proof.


Yes you confront her and tell her what you know. Make sure that you keep copies of your evidence in some place safe, like your parent’s home. Also make sure that you have a voice activated recorder on you when you do confront her so that she cannot accuse you of attacking her verbally or physically. You need to keep very very calm and focused during the confrontation so that you do not yell, get physical or anything else like that.


Fredbothers said:


> Do I put it on Facebook that she is having an affair? To humiliate her?
> Please any advice what to do next will be appreciated


The purpose of exposing an affair is NOT to humiliate her. The purpose is to break up the affair.
Choose who you expose the affair to carefully. When you expose it, ask them to help you save your marriage by them working to get her to end the affair. Tell her family, your family and the friends who you think will be supportive of your marital recovery. You might also think about exposing the affair to her boss and HR department. She and he might get fired. But in order to recover your marriage, she has to leave that job anyway.




Fredbothers said:


> She's in her own world never seen her like this before, it's hard not to keep talking to her about my feelings but I know I must be strong.


The book I suggested talks about this world she’s in.. the affair fog… it explain it and talks a lot about how to break it. 

You are going to get a lot of responses here telling you to divorce here, trying to shame you into not trying work towards marital recovery. Keep in mind that most marriages do recover from an affair… they even often go on to be better marriages than they were before because people wake up and realize that marriage cannot be put on auto pilot and survive.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

^ ^ ^ 

THIS! What Elegirl said. :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Every word. Fred, be smart, listen to TAMers who have been around the same block you're on, a time or two...


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

One more thing, if you play your cards right, you WILL win her back. EleGirl is right... many marriages DO recover from affairs.

If you want to know how NOT to save your marriage, check out this thread by SteveK... Most of us are pounding our heads :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: because he has done the complete OPPOSITE of what one needs to do to salvage their marriage. 150 pages of going NOWHERE except spinning in circles.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/177346-911-all-my-tam-friends-stevek.html


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## Fredbothers (Mar 18, 2014)

Great advice thanks all, so I'm gonna move back in on Wednesday as she's in work, now what do i do next?
Tell her why I've moved back in, then confront her about the affair? Do i tell her to leave the guy? What if she says no? What if she moves to her mum, who lives up the road, what do I do then?
Should I contact a solicitor about divorce??
What if she locks me out when I pop out of the house?
If I end up living with her, do I talk to her? How do i react? Be as normal as I can be? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

YES... number one, contact a solicitor (I am assuming you are in the U.K. or you would refer to him as an attorney?)

Draw up the papers.

Make sure you have copies (hard copies, cloud, hard drive backups of all the texts, emails, etc. exchanged between them)

Expose the affair to everyone that matters... sisters, brothers, in-laws, etc. Also expose to the OM's wife/girlfriend, family, if you know how to contact them.

Tell her POINT BLANK: you can continue your affair, but I AM GOING NOWHERE. I AM NOT LEAVING THIS HOUSE. I AM *HERE* FOR THE KIDS, AS *YOU* ARE *NOT.*

Grow a LOT of hair on your b*lls. When she says, "I am their mother, I know what's best for them." You reply, "If you knew what was best for them, you would not be SCREWING another man."

Play hardball. Direct deposit your paycheck into your own NEW account. Forget this "shared income" bullish*t. You will no longer fund her affair.

YOU buy the groceries, you pay the necessary bills, cut off her cell phone if you are currently paying for it. YOU take the kids to the dentist, the doctor, the orthodontist, LOG ALL OF IT, and keep your VAR near at all times!!

Have her served with divorce papers. Do NOT be her Plan B. She will wake up quick to her new (money-less) reality.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You must own the house together. If you split your assets, will you have to sell it?

She may not have thought about this. Is OM single, married+


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

P.S. Being served with divorce papers is her new "wake up call." Up until now, she has been calling the shots, whether she "will or will not stay with you." F*ck that!! YOU will now determine whether or not you ALLOW her to remain with YOU!.

Let the OM step up and support her. You already know he won't. He's only after a piece of poontang pie for free.

Go dark. Do a hard 180. Go out with friends, take your kids to all scheduled activities, do the minimum you need to do to keep the household functioning for you and the kids. Do NOT give her access to ANY money.

Your attorney (solicitor) will advise you what the next steps are.

You CAN do this Fred. I am rooting for you...


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## Fredbothers (Mar 18, 2014)

The mortgage is in joint name, and the guy she with is not married, he does have a child as well with another woman. I have no idea who he is, and only know that he works with her. Should I confront him as well??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thoughts about you moving back in.

See a solicitor on Monday to give them a rundown on what is going on. Make sure that they know that you temporarily moved out to help the marriage. But that’s obviously not working so you are moving back in. Ask for advice on how to protect your right to live in your own home. 

While filing for divorce can be a great wake-up call.. sort of a shock and awe approach, it can also cost you a LOT of money that might not need to be spent. So you will need to decide if you want to go this route. 

If you confront her about the affair on the day you move back in, they you will be dealing with two volatile situations at one time. She will most likely portray your moving back in as nothing other than you being jealous and dangerously confrontational because you found out about the affair.

When you move back in, before you confront her about the affair, you need to first establish that it’s your legal residence and she had no right to ask/tell you to leave or to move out. Tell her that you stayed at your parents for a bit as a TEMPORY thing to see if it would help the marriage. It’s clearly not helping so you are moving back into YOUR home so you can be with YOUR children. So wait a day or two before confronting about the affair. Get settled in. (Be sure you have that voice activated recorder on you.)

If she locks you out, call a lock smith to let you back in and make you a new key. Make sure you have something like your driver’s license with your address and some current mail with the address on it to prove to the lock smith that you live there. If she makes a big stink call the police, tell them that she is being threatening and ask that they remove her from the house. Talk to your solicitor about all this beforehand.

Then a day or so after you move in, confront her about her affair. If she denies it tell her that you have tons of solid evidence stored in a safe place. Give her a few facts that you know but do not tell her everything. Let her worry about what you do know. The hope is to make her think that you know everything. 

Let her know that she is free to leave, without the children, and go live with him. You would prefer that she stay with you and work on your marriage. But you cannot not force her to stay. Keep the confrontation as short as possible. Do not let her give you a lot of excuses, blame you and tell you a heap of lies. When she starts to do this (most do) just tell her that you are not interested in discussing anything with her until she ends the affair. Tell her that she is free to move out, without the children, if she wants to continue her affair. To stay with you she has to end the affair, go no-contact with AP, write him a no contact letter. And then you will talk with her about what needs to happen to recover the marriage. (This is all explained in the Surviving an Affair [SAA] book in detail.) Here’s a link that will help you… Coping with Infidelity: The End (Part 2)

If she refuses to end the affair, and if you are going to file for divorce now, this is the time to call your attorney and tell him to file the divorce. She will be served in a few days. That’s how she finds out. Do not warn her that you will be filing because she might beat you to the punch and you lose the impact you will have of you taking the power away from her to determine how/when things happen. The good thing about filing for divorce at this point is that it is a legal protection for you and the children from her bad choices.

If you are not going to file for divorce in the case of her not ending the affair, then start what the SAA book calls Plan A. When you cannot do Plan A anymore do the Plan B as described in the SAA book. Plan B is sort of like the 180. If you do Plan B (or 180) long enough you will fall out of love with her and divorce will make sense to you… so that would be the time to file if you take this route.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Info on the no-contact letter
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The no-contact letter is very important. It needs to state that:
-the affair was a mistake
-it caused great pain to their spouse and children (if any)
-they no longer wish any contact in any way with the AP
-any violation of the NC request will be immediately reported to, or shown to the BS
-it is final and leaves no room or requirement for the OP to respond
-it is not a goodbye letter, it is a permanent ending
-should be matter of fact, offer no emotion or expression of missing the affair partner
-it should not lament or morn the loss of the affair
-it should be written in such a way that the BS is happy with it.
-after writing 'ownership' passes to the BS to decide whether it is sent or not. It is recommended it is sent.

After the NCL is sent, any attempts at contact by the OP are to be IMMEDIATELY reported to the BS. This includes: Emails, cards, letters, text, phone calls. The aim is for the WS to provide total transparency so as to give the BS a level of security as to the honesty and commitment of the WS.

A handwritten letter by the WS, is preferable to a typed, or emailed NCL. Some people may like to send it registered mail to ensure there are no 'bunny boiler' style games of pretending it never arrived.

At no time should the WS acknowledge or respond to any attempts at contact by the OP.
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Example NCL

Dear [put AP’s name here],

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the best husband/wife that he/she deserves.


Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My spouse has all the details of our relationship and he/she will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Sincerely,

[she signs here] 
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Fredbothers said:


> The mortgage is in joint name, and the guy she with is not married, he does have a child as well with another woman. I have no idea who he is, and only know that he works with her. Should I confront him as well??


No, do not confront him. Treat him like the insect he is... ignore him. If you confront him, you make him important... you acknowledge that he has some importance in your life... and he is nothing in your life.


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## Fredbothers (Mar 18, 2014)

Ok so gonna see a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice, then move In on wed and tell her that I'm moving back in as I tried to give her space to sort out the marriage but now that hasn't worked I'm gonna move back in to be with my kids. Then I'll tell her about the affair the next day as I'm working the few days after, and then go from there. Can she take the kids with her? Away from the family home? Would I have to pay all the house bills on my own or would she have to contribute?? Also what do I do if that guy is over the house? Do I ask him to leave? What can I do about it??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Your best bet is to not tell her beforehand as she could very well file something quickly and legally get an upper hand. That is greatly dependent up on your rules where you live. Speak to the lawyer and tell him your exact intentions and ask him all the questions you can so you know what legally the proper steps are to avoid as much possible problems as you can.

The most important aspect that you will need to control is keeping your emotions in check and do not let the heat of the moment get the best of you. If you have a close friend or family member that is willing to help you may want to have them with you more so as a “witness” to help eliminate any he said/she said confrontations later. Don’t panic or stress about the OM being there at the moment. Most likely he will leave quickly as most times he really doesn’t want to get dragged into a situation. He is just around for fun most likely, not the soap opera. 

Either way do not engage him or really talk to him. Rendering him irrelevant in your life is your best bet and right now you have no idea what “story” she has told him about you so again being careful and emotionally calm is your goal.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

There is nothing to stop her from taking the kids on a "trip" or to her parents house for a day, a week, a month. That's where your solicitor needs to be on his toes when you file. File for temporary custody, or a restraining order barring anyone from removing the children from the marital home, in their best interest, etc. This is why you DO NOT want to tip your cards early and give her a chance to bolt with the kids.

Be sure to include the adultery in your filing; you feel she is not acting in the best interest of the kids and they need to remain WITH THEIR FATHER, in the marital home for their own security, mental well-being, etc.


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