# thinking about skippin' town...



## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

my hubs and i have been together for 3 years and married 1.5

he's brown and i'm white so he hasnt told his parents about me. its an underlying thing that just kills me. but i would say for the past 3 weeks things have been really bad. not really bad like fighting physically.. but i can tell we arent feeling the same way about eachother. i cant speak for him, but for me i care less and less everyday. every little drama (like my dog peeing on the floor) is the biggest deal. i guess non animal people can get really bothered.. but you just clean it up and its over (for me). just an example..

we havent had sex in these past 3 weeks... which is crazy to me. sometimes i feel like im in jail. i dont have many friends.. i'm not allowed to drink. we dont do anything but work and at home we dont connect. he's on the lap top and i watch tv. 

is 3 weeks of grossness too short to consider leaving? he's going out of town to see his family (who dont know about me) in a few weeks. i'm thinking about moving out that weekend. any thoughts?


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## Spock (Jan 26, 2012)

It takes twice the work to make a cross cultural marriage work.

Do you love each other? Does he have the emotional maturity or at least the willingness to grow into emotional maturity – that would be necessary to build a deeper relationship here? Questions that will determine whether you should choose to work on this marriage.

Also, both of you would need to study and become intimately familiar with each other's cultural norms.


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

emotional maturity isnt a strong point in either one of us. i'm very black and white. love you or hate you. i'm impulsive.. i find something i want and i get it. he's very wishy washy and superficial. he'd go $30,000 into debt for a new car just because its new or its a sh*t deal but its a bmw.

there are days when i feel like i dont love him at all. that i could be free without him weighing me down. he's a pakistani and cant stand the smell of their food. i hate indian music and if i see another bollywood movie i feel like im gonna kill someone. 

i really dont know how he feels. part of me doesnt care. if he wanted to fix it he could.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Well what the hell were you thinking marrying a man whom you have very little connection to? Heck you can't even claim you're a loving wife. What do you have to offer in this marriage?

Those things you can't stand are a part of his personality and it would be completely unfair to want him to change into someone without identity/culture.

This is so sad.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think it's cruel to leave while he's gone. Are you afraid of him? Is that why you cannot tell him to his face that you are leaving.

And why did you marry a man who refuses to tell his family about you? You married a man who is prejudice against you. His family is as well. This makes no sense.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Yes I actually forgot about the part you said he hasn't told his family. Is he ashamed of you? How did you even begin to agree with such a messed up arrangement.

Part of the reason you resent his cultural associations could be his lack of honesty with his family.

You both seem to be prejudice against each other. I have no idea how such a dysfunctional relationship got you two into a marriage, but I suspect he showed you a lot of love and affection at a time you badly needed it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How did you get married? Looks to me that the infatuation has run its course. neither of you are mature enough for an IR relationship I think


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

wow.. pretty critical responses... i didnt enter the relationship or the marriage thinking we had nothing in common. we used to go out and go to baseball games and hockey games.. which i thought were common interests. he used to take me to the zoo and the aquarium because i love animals. but now he doesnt go anywhere with me. the only trips we take are to casinos because that's what he likes. and they're infrequent because he always spends the money gambling. 

i think i gave being a loving wife a lot of effort. i pay all the bills... i cook all the meals (mostly pakistani meals which i self taught myself to make)... i do all the house crap (dishes, laundry, sweeping, the floors)... he hardly gets up when he gets home unless he's using the bathroom. he gets everything handed to him.. learning a different country's way of cooking was a feat in itself. but the food i make usually ends up rotting in the fridge because he brings home "better" food to eat. 

before we got married the world of bollywood didnt take over my life like it does now. we were usually out spending time together enjoying eachother's company. but now we just stay home and watch pakistani news and movies.

before we got married i was under the impression that his family knew about me. his sister who lives in NY is the only one who speaks english, so i wasnt really able to speak to his family members. that's what he said when i use to ask anyway. the way i found out his family didnt know about me was after he took a trip back to pak i found some engagement pictures on his laptop. so after i found out about the engagement there was a lot of empty promisses about breaking off the engagement and telling his family. it was a thing arrranged by his parents... after we got married he made a promise that after 2 years everything would be out in the open. 2 years will be in may. he knows already if he breaks that promise i'm gone. i've made that very clear. 

i cant imagine leaving while he's here.. it would just be so much drama and crying and anger. he might see it coming. 

i tried to talk to him about the overall picture last night.. he was on his laptop, of course, and i asked him if he was happy.. he said, "yeah". when i said i wasnt really all that happy anymore he said my "expectations were too high".


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> i tried to talk to him about the overall picture last night.. he was on his laptop, of course, and i asked him if he was happy.. he said, "yeah". when i said i wasnt really all that happy anymore he said my "expectations were too high".


Why did you stop there? That conversation should've ended with a better conclusion than just "your expectations are too high". You need to be more serious and make him understand that you are damn serious.

You seem to be checking out of the marriage. He needs to know that ASAP.


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## Spock (Jan 26, 2012)

cory275 said:


> the way i found out his family didnt know about me was after he took a trip back to pak i found some engagement pictures on his laptop.


WTF? He got "engaged" to someone when he's already married to you and you're still only *thinking* of skipping town? 

If he got engaged under family pressure as Asian men often do, he will also get married for the same ridiculous reason. That will cause perfectly avoidable suffering to at least two people: You and the girl he got engaged to.

And all this and YOU have high expectations?

I think you should have a frank conversation with your man. Tell him the only reason you'll be willing to work on his marriage is if:

a. He "outs" his marriage to his family, especially his parents and siblings.

b. Breaks off his "engagement".

c. Takes you to Pakistan to meet his parents and family.


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

sorry sorry... the engagement was before we got married. he's not engaged anymore.. but it wasnt because he was standing up for me.. she called it off because she wants to marry someone else. 

he has until our wedding anniversary at the end of may to tell everyone. it was a deal that we made because he'd have to go against his family to marry me, i thought it would be ok to give him some time to tell them. its gotta be hard to dissapoint your parents like that. but he was supposed to tell them one at a time. but still hasnt told anyone. 

and i cant go to pakistan. there's a LOT of racial tension there.. so a white girl in pak would definately get kidnapped or murdered. its a muslim country... so... yeah.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Was your husband raised in the US or Pakistan? I read your post, keep in mind your husband is from a different culture with different standards on how woman/wives are treated.

Where is your family in all of this?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> a white girl in pak would definately get kidnapped or murdered. its a muslim country... so... yeah.


What a stupid statement. I can't believe you're actually married to a Pakistani and have the ignorance to make such a retarded comment. WOW!

btw, I'm neither Pakistani or Muslim, but still, WOW!


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

my hubs was raised in pak. he came here when he was 23. my parents recently got divorced. my dad had an affair a few years ago and left my mom. my mom and i are both only children so its just us. no aunts and uncles or cousins or anything. but my mom is awesome and supportive of whatever i do. 

i think i watch more pakistani news than anyone on here. so my "stupid" statement could be easily understood to anyone who knows anything about the country. karachi is a city with one of the highest street crime levels in the world. people die on the street because of cell phones over there. if you dont think people die because of racism then you're pretty ignorant.


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

its so ironic that this article came out the same day i made my stupid comment. 


US issues travel alert for Americans in Pakistan


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cory,

Your husband is sort-of living two lives. One with you and one with his family. He does not seem to be the type who has the strength to stand up to his family.

The only way things will turn around is if you speak up and let him know what you expect. You seem to want a 'western' marriage. He seems to what a 'Pakistani' marriage. You are both going to have to compromise if the marriage is going to work. I think this is going to be harder for him because he comes from a culture where women have few rights. He's probably treating you like his father teats his mother.

What happens to his visa if he is not married to you?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Cory,

You resent your husbands identity and beliefs. Why does it even matter that you used to do things together? 

Your husband looks at you as an inferior being. That's what he was born and grown up with. He might have grown out of it as a result of living in the west, but his attachment to his parents will remain forever. He will always seek their approval no matter what.

Your marriage will always be a struggle. One that may actually feel like a satisfying challenge when things work out. I personally don't see either of your being up for the challenge. It may require for you to do a trial separation to see if the bond is strong enough for both parties to make significant compromises.


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

i agree that he lives 2 lives. his family BS isnt the problem right now tho. sure it's always in the back of my mind... but he has until may to make that situation right. if he doesnt, then he KNOWS that i couldnt stay with him. i've compromised my self respect for long enough at that point. 

but i think how we were when we were dating is totally relevant. that's the life with him that i wanted when i married him. who's going to commit to someone forever to be effin bored forever? "you're boring as hell, lets get married!!" i cant see anyone doing that. 

nothing will happen to his visa. student visas are good for a long time.. and he already has a green card. he just wouldnt get a passport as soon as he might have wanted. i dont even know if he wants one. 

i think the marriage could be rewarding if we're both trying too. i feel like i've been trying for so long and it's been one sided. i think the trial separation is a great idea. but if he doesnt tell his family in may i'm gone anyway. i dunno if its worth the trial now. 

thanks for the last couple of helpful posts, yall!


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