# Movies as a trigger



## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

It's been almost 4 years since D-Day (April 09), my WS and I are still together and I am trying to deal with the fallout.

I find it gets better over time but I still think about it and how it changed our marriage.

The worst is when I am watching a movie that deals with infidelity. We were watching "The Five-Year Engagement" last night.

**Going to spoil the movie but I'll save your brain 2 hours of mind numbing viewing**




She ends up kissing her professor and the memories come back to me. Then it all hits me hard over the head later in the movie after he tries to have sex with her after she tells him. He remarks to her that "some part of you wanted it or he wouldn't have even tried". 

Here is where I had to get up and just leave the room. I could tell my WS wanted to follow me and I'm glad she didn't. I really didn't want to talk to her then with it all so fresh in my mind.

She claims it was part of her suffering from alcoholism at the time and I told her I didn't buy that. She never screwed him drunk so she can't blame her addiction. (She's sober now since Sept. 09).

I just can't deal with these hard flashbacks to D-Day and I wonder if just calling this marriage quits is what I need to do to heal. Will I still see these movies if I am single. Yeah, but I won't have the emotional baggage of being with her. I do understand that's a cop out for me dealing with my emotional issues, taking the easy road when I think there is something to salvage. It's just hard being strong and trying to do something for a good reason.

I love her, but I am not in love with her. She can never be the person I married and I get that. I'm not the same man she married. I just don't see myself ever trusting her and every time I have a mental movie or flashback it reminds me that she did it once and could do it again.

I just wish I had a place to know what movies dealt with this issue so I could avoid them. Gotta love Hollywood glamorizing affairs and making comedies about them.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

Zak68 said:


> It's been almost 4 years since D-Day (April 09), my WS and I are still together and I am trying to deal with the fallout.
> 
> I find it gets better over time but I still think about it and how it changed our marriage.
> 
> ...


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I don't think it is the movies. It sounds to me like you have not yet been able to close the door on what happened years ago. Still issues rolling around inside you that need resolution. Setting aside what happened in the past for a moment, are there behaviors she exhibits now that cause you to doubt her fidelity? Are there other issues in your relationship that are causing significant issues?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Yes certain movies and TV shows do trigger me but we deal with it as a couple and get through it. H and I are 9 months into R.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here though as say that after 4 years you should possibly be more healed than you are. It sounds to me that there are unresolved issues from the A that need to be dealt with, also it's sounds like your WW is still blame shifting and not owning her crap!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

I know I haven't been able to close the door. The loss of trust hurt me deeply and I realize that. I went to counseling for two years and know all these inner feelings very well. The only recourse is people say time will heal them.
No, there's nothing she does that makes me doubt her fidelity. Then again, when she was sleeping with him she didn't show any signs either. Let's just say I doubt my ability to know goodness in people these days.
She and I have talked about her owning up to it and how I don't buy the crap that it was her need for excitement, her buzz during the day when she wouldn't allow herself to be drunk, that caused the affair. I don't buy it. My MM show me different scenarios, which I have told her, and she denies them all. It wasn't about better sex. It wasn't about feeling loved. It wasn't because she was unhappy in our marriage. It was the fix, the excitement rush, the need to feel wanted in her 40's. It never crossed her mind the damage she was causing and she admits to the selfishness of the action.

All I know is, it does get better in time. I think about it less. There are always things that will trigger it for me. Seeing an affair on TV or the movies just reminds me that it happened to me and I was the fool who didn't know and got hurt. It just reopens an old wound I wish would go away.

There is part of me that can't let go and I know that. It's the fearful side that feels the moment I do let go is the day I can get hurt like that again. By clinging to this small piece I am ensuring I don't get hurt like that again. 

It's all wrong and my therapist and I have been over this but that is the way my brain works. Trust is a huge thing with me and those closest to me. Having my best friend and wife in an affair destroyed my world and it's not easy to rebuild that world...


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

It happens to me still. It is amazing at the number of movies that make light or are based on cheating. I think for me I will always have triggers to deal with. My reactions are not nearly as strong as they were in the past. 

These movies make me shift around in my seat. I feel like my wife and that POS have never suffered as much as I have and I still want my pound of flesh. So I react.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

I don't think you should try to rebuild that world.

Take the world you have. Enjoy that. Even with the triggers. Even with the knowledge that trust as you know it will never be recaptured.

This is the life you signed up for when you decided to R. You'd have these triggers without your wife around too. But now you have to face this with her, and go on even during the triggers putting 100% of yourself into marriage.

THIS is exactly why forgiveness is a choice you make every day. 

You could have choosen to let this trigger have a big impact on your intimacy, to punish your wife over this.....

I wish it'd go away too. But it won't. So trudge on, don't suppress you feelings, embrace them, process them, move on.

Tomorrow brings a new set of challenges.


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

Mahike, you touched on something my therapist and I could never come to terms with. The other man getting his punishment. It never happened and I resent him, and even my WW, for it. She ended up feeling so guilty and the drinking got worse to the point I told her we were done. The next day she tried to kill herself with pills (Sept 09). We separated for 3-4 months and I decided what love remained was strong enough to warrant a try instead of giving up. 

He on the other hand never really paid. It was his 4th affair, his wife forgave him, again. Not like he learned his lesson, or ever will. He didn't care that it was his good friends wife. That gets me in a bad way. I console myself that she made her choice to stick with him, not my affair. His appologies to me were empty and meaningless.

Saki, I struggle with this whole forgiveness concept. I'm not religious, my wife is. I was at one point so I get the concept of spiritual forgiveness. I can't do that for her, she needs to discuss her actions on earth with her diety. Me, I don't forgive her and I told her this. Forgiveness to me means "It's ok you screwed me over". Nope, not doing that. What I can offer is this, I am willing to try to rebuild what we had and what we can have in the future. I won't hold it over your head and make you feel little. I will not make you feel better by saying "It's ok you did it". I will try to move past it and look ahead but you have to realize there are times I will look back and it will hurt. Step back and let me deal with it unless I ask you to come and help. 

That is all I can offer now. A promise that I will try.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

Forgiveness means many things to many people.

This is what forgiveness means to me (and it is WORK to carry this out)



Zak68 said:


> I am willing to try to rebuild what we had and what we can have in the future. I won't hold it over your head and make you feel little. I will not make you feel better by saying "It's ok you did it". I will try to move past it and look ahead but you have to realize there are times I will look back and it will hurt.


I also think a component of her earning your forgiveness is that she is able to be non-defensive when you look back on it and she needs to be openly available and willing to help you (this would be a remarkably intimate connection).


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I was watching an old 60s tv show the other night. The episode was concerning a couple on the verge of divorce and the topic of "someone else" came up. That darn laugh track played......as if that was supposed to be funny. There is nothing funny about infidelity.


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

Worst movie I have seen for this lately is "It's Complicated" with Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep. It's labelled a Comedy/Romance.

Yeah, really funny Hollywood. Ex-Husband tries to win back his ex-wife from her current husband. 

I was rolling in the isles....


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Two points...

First, I cheated and whenever the subject comes up, either in a movie or the news, my wife always asks if I'd prefer to change the channel. I say no and just figure being uncomfortable about the subject is part of my penance. 

Second, on the point of forgiveness. Our marriage counselor pointed out that without forgiveness, there can't be a marriage. No, you don't have to forget what happened but sooner or later you have to forgive and move on. Yes, I know I screwed up. Yes, I was wrong. But eventually it needs to be put behind us. If you can't do that, the marriage is doomed.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Zak68 said:


> Worst movie I have seen for this lately is "It's Complicated" with Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep. It's labelled a Comedy/Romance.
> 
> Yeah, really funny Hollywood. Ex-Husband tries to win back his ex-wife from her current husband.
> 
> I was rolling in the isles....


The only good thing about that movie was the point when the new wife (who was the OW and broke up that marriage) saw how her husband was looking at his ex-wife with such want. I have to admit I enjoyed seeing the hurt look in her eyes.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

I thought Forgetting Sarah Marshall was a good comedy involving infidelity. It's definitely from the betrayed perspective.

My stbxw watched it together when it came out in 2008 and we were married and I enjoyed it then. I watched it again on late night cable the other night and thought it was even funnier. Then I had a dream where I ended up with Mila Kunis....


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

Sorry CT, I'd have to disagree. 

You can have a marriage without forgiveness. You can't have a marriage with resentment and bitter feelings. 

I don't hate my WW for what she did. I'm not repressing anger towards her. I just don't forgive her for what she did. By its definition forgiveness is to grant pardon without harboring resentment.

I can't pardon her for what she did. To me that is saying it was ok to do it and the door is opened for it to happen again.

We've all been raised in a society where it's ok to massively screw up and then ask for forgiveness and it's all ok. I don't buy that. If people knew there were severe consequences to their actions they might think twice about their actions.


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

Cedar - I enjoyed that movie too. Scenes of her cheating were hard but I could relate to him.

Yeah, Mila Kunis would tempt me...


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Zak68 said:


> Sorry CT, I'd have to disagree.
> 
> You can have a marriage without forgiveness. You can't have a marriage with resentment and bitter feelings.
> 
> ...



Interesting perspective. How is your marriage - are you both happy? My wife and I tried to reconcile - but it didn't work. First of all, she was not being honest. Secondly - I had a lot of anger and resentment - plus a sense that she wasn't being totally honest - so there was zero trust. I can forgive the affair, but I could not forgive the lies and deceptions. But I realize that I would need to get past that if we were to truly rebuild anything. Without trust, I don't see the point.

How long have you been in R? How did you rebuild trust without any forgiveness? Or do you still not trust your wife? Is it getting better with time?


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

After Dday I told her the only chance for us was complete honesty. Any question I asked I got the truth, no matter how much it would pain me. In return I offer the same thing.

In the past we avoided confrontation. That lead to a building of resentment. Now, if we have an issue it comes out almost immediately, unless you need time to cool down then you are granted time to be level headed. 

I have trouble understanding how she could have done what she did. We saw him every weekend. We traveled with his family. Our daughters were best friends. I look back on all those times I thought were good and think of how they were doing what they were doing and how insulting it is. That is the hard thing to get by. Then I realize it wasn't meant to insult me, they just did what they wanted for themselves and didn't care about the consequences.

She told me I always have an out and the marriage is over when I say it is. She said she knows she ruined our marriage and is willing to pay the price and appreciates the offer I am giving her. Her honesty and openess help my healing. Without that, and having her sober, I wouldn't be with her.

I don't know the answer about rebuilding trust. I don't think I can ever trust her completely like I did before. We used to joke about our secret boy/girlfriend because we both knew we would never do that to each other. I miss that level of trust and know we can never share that deep a trust again. We can try to rebuild and have trust but in my mind that complete trust can never be attained again.

I do wonder if I can be married without that level of trust and I don't know that answer yet. Just something I am taking day by day until I know. I know I love her, just trying to figure out this new person because the woman I used to love died on Dday. Then again, that woman was flawed do I want to find her again or appreciate what I have now? That's the better question I try to answer.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Zak68 said:


> I do wonder if I can be married without that level of trust and I don't know that answer yet. Just something I am taking day by day until I know. I know I love her, just trying to figure out this new person because the woman I used to love died on Dday. Then again, that woman was flawed do I want to find her again or appreciate what I have now? That's the better question I try to answer.


I think that's a great attitude. You realize that your old wife is gone and you're building something new with your "repaired" wife.
Hopefully a level of trust which suits both of you will eventually just happen. Whenever I think of a potential R with my stbxw (very low probability but not zero) - that's the attitude I am going to try to adopt.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Zak68 said:


> I do wonder if I can be married without that level of trust and I don't know that answer yet. Just something I am taking day by day until I know. I know I love her, just trying to figure out this new person because the woman I used to love died on Dday. Then again, that woman was flawed do I want to find her again or appreciate what I have now? That's the better question I try to answer.


Do you think you would be able to have that level of trust with someone else?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Let's not be too hard on filmmakers or playwrights or others who create works of art and entertainment for mass consumption. If they had to abstain from creating anything, whether in a dramatic or humorous vein, because someone somewhere would find it hurtful because of some personal life experience, they would be able to create very little.

right after the death of someone close to me is probably not the right time for me to see a comedy about death and dying but that doesn't mean I might not find it enjoyable and funny and worthwhile at another time.

My dad died when I was 14 and years later i saw one of those made for TV Xmas movies about a dad who knew he was going to die and he was trying to get the whole family together for one last holiday. That movie reminded me of my dad and got to me and still does. The movie used a lot of standard cliches to tug at your heart strings. It is what my personal experiences were that made watching that movie so emotional for me. It wasn't the fault of the people who made the film nor did they act in some callous, unfeeling way.

Divorce is sad. Divorce is painful. It can also be funny and ludicrous and absurd. I wouldn't think of denying or blaming those who create the opportunity to tell the story of divorce or unfaithfulness in any of those ways or a thousand more.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Zak68 said:


> She and I have talked about her owning up to it and how *I don't buy the crap that it was her need for excitement*, her buzz during the day when she wouldn't allow herself to be drunk, that caused the affair. I don't buy it. My MM show me different scenarios, which I have told her, and she denies them all. It wasn't about better sex. It wasn't about feeling loved. It wasn't because she was unhappy in our marriage. *It was the fix, the excitement rush*, the need to feel wanted in her 40's.


Proof that asking why is pointless. There is never a good reason.

Also you say it was not then you it was so.

Movies will always be a trigger because you can be ten years down the road, not have talked or remembered the affair in ages. You watching a movie and the topic of an affair catches you by surprise and you trigger. Normal. Unavoidable. However with enough time you will get over your triggers quickly with time.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> I thought Forgetting Sarah Marshall was a good comedy involving infidelity. It's definitely from the betrayed perspective.
> 
> My stbxw watched it together when it came out in 2008 and we were married and I enjoyed it then. I watched it again on late night cable the other night and thought it was even funnier. Then I had a dream where I ended up with Mila Kunis....


I don't get triggered by movie infidelity when it involves characters (like in FSM...funny movie BTW) that are only dating. No marital vows broken, no commandments broken. Now, onscreen adultery is trigger central for me, I don't care how "good" the movie is supposed to be.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Hey OP my DD was about the same time as yours, my WS was also not only having a secret A but a secret drug addiction too....so I know how you feel. I watch alot of those Investgation ID shows and they are all about cheating!! Men and women! Anyhow so I see the show and have a little trigger but I push it back. My H has shown true remorse and our R & his sobriety is very successful. But those triggers still happen...few and far between now. I know our old marriage is gone, but our new one is better. There is no time limit for a BS's broken heart to fully heal, but if you are both trying, that is the best healer. He used to hate to see anything on TV about cheating, but he is better::: he used to tense up, we even talked about an episode where a guy went nuts and killed his wife after she had an affair with another woman! My H was all wow, he must have gone nuts over the OW...I said what would you rather? Someone cheat on you with a same sex parter ...something you could never be duh or another man, it hurts pretty bad either way. He just grabbed me and hugged me, no words, none needed. I know he is sorry, I forgive him, but things in life can still hurt even if it hurts just a little. Good luck!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Zak
Re forgiveness, on another thread a poster gave his/her opinion on forgiveness that made sense to me. See if it does to you (I don't recall thread or exact phrasing but the gist was this):

Your wife possessed qualities you admired. She was honest, faithful, honorable, committed to you. For her own selfish reasons she betrayed you in the most vile and hurtful manner. 

She sees the depth of the pain and anguish she cause. 

You can never actually forgive the acts. But you may be able to forgive her for having a weak character. 

Does it help?


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

From Chumplady's recent post on forgiveness:

*Forgiving my ex-husband would have no more effect on him than forgiving a septic tank. They’re both still full of ****. My forgiveness is irrelevant. Their essential being is unchanged.

Oh, but forgiveness is for myself. It will release me from all those angry feelings and resentments. Well, here’s the thing — when I think of how I was played, financially defrauded, how my child was hurt by my ex’s ****ing around, hey, I have bad feelings! I think that’s pretty normal. They don’t paralyze me. They don’t get in the way of my life. I do draw on them to write Chump Lady each day with the hope that it helps others, but bottom line? They are ****ty memories and to think of them causes me some pain.*

Here's a link to the entire blog:

The Forgiveness Imperative

Back on topic, tho...one of the shows I've particularly grown extremely disgusted by is Sex in the City. 

I think triggers will always be there. It's part of the aftermath of PTSD...which marital affairs can cause (read Not Just Friends.) You just have to learn how to deal with them. Which gets easier with time.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

We used to have great poster here called morituri. Here is one of his posts that has been very useful.

* Re: Forever wearing the Scarlett Letter 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SN,

What is forgiveness?

For a great many people, it means amnesty for the offender and of the consequences that would befall him/her. The problem with this definition is that it makes the offender the beneficiary while the offended getting nothing in return.

But to others, myself included, forgiveness means to accept - not condone - that what was done cannot be undone and to make peace with it, NOT for the benefit of the offender but for the benefit of the offended. This type of forgiveness does not remove the consequences that would befall the offender.

People who subscribe to the former definition of forgiveness are unable to achieve it because it is an emotionally daunting task. It is also dependent on the offender showing true remorse to the offended for his/her transgression(s) which may or may not be present or ever will be.

But those of us who subscribe to the latter definition, forgiveness is an acknowledgement that no matter what the outcome of the situation with the offender is, that in order for us to move on with our lives is to make the decision that anger and bitterness are the toxic twins that will forever follow us and poison our lives IF we consciously allow them to. Here, forgiveness is a conscious choice for the benefit of the offended, not the offender.

I divorced my wife not because I could not forgive her for her affair nor because I no longer loved her, but because at the time it was necessary for me to do so in order to emotionally and psychologically heal myself. And yes, I did forgive her because I subscribe to the latter definition of forgiveness.

Please consider talking with your husband about what I've said. Hopefully he will be intrigued enough to explore this definition of forgiveness and eventually embrace it, for HIS benefit not yours.*


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Regarding the OM getting off scott free. Put him here on the hall of fame he belongs on.

CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know

There are some more sites he should be put on too. That way, people that google him will know to be careful.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/63941-sites-like-cheaterville.html

This will be good for him since he is a serial cheater ie. a sociopath.
How many families has he screwed up so far?


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