# Update on me



## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Hello all,

I didn't post last night because after my C session I went over to a coworker's house to talk and unwind. Ended up staying until too late and didn't get a chance to log on last night. Talked with my C about what was happening and he basically told me that it was time to separate all of the accounts and start to move on. He also said that she seems to be in some kind of conflict over this with her behavior and is still using the same old coping mechanisms that she has used in the past. Of course he qualified that by saying that he couldn't be sure as he has never met or talked with her. He doesn't want to make any kind of judgment for sure until he gets a chance to talk with her about it. This will probably never happen. She is convinced that she doesn't love me anymore and wants to move on. She also says that she doesn't think she will ever get married again and will be alone for the rest of her life (which she says she is ok with). 

I just don't know what to think right now. I go from anger to remorse to regret to sadness. Having this board and my friends helps some, but I still can't sleep or eat right. I am still losing weight, but I don't know how healthy it is. I just can't bring myself to eat at some times. This is a huge turn around from my old habits which were to eat to cope with the pain. 

When I was at my friends' house last night I got a compliment from one of their friends and it made me feel good, but I still just don't feel right. I also met a nice divorced woman who lives down the block. It is probably just the state that I am in, but it felt good to talk with someone single (and not my wife). Don't think there was a connection, but even if there was I wouldn't act on it now because I know it would just be the chemicals in my brain trying to trick me because I feel so lonely. 

I still want my wife back and our life together. I am getting misty now just thinking about it. I still think that the song Sever by 311 pretty much sums up the way I feel

Standin' in the club playin' the wall
but they're not her is all
you think, and that is true
but what else can you do
trying to turn back time
or just tow the line
cause the space you're in
is no place like home

Not that I am out at clubs. Too old, but still feels like every time I think about moving forward this is how I feel. Boy does this suck!


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

dante said:


> Hello all,
> 
> When I was at my friends' house last night I got a compliment from one of their friends and it made me feel good, but I still just don't feel right. I also met a nice divorced woman who lives down the block. It is probably just the state that I am in, but it felt good to talk with someone single (and not my wife).


I mean, I'm not sayin' ya know; I'm just sayin' :thumbup:

This is exactly what mean in my other posts by just having someone of the opposite sex to talk to. It's great having friends, but talking to someone single other than your stbx seems to me that it would allow you, at least for a brief period of time, some sense of normalcy about communication with the opposite sex. Maybe I am just weird on this one, but there is something there that would hold more meaning for me; maybe it's a glimpse of what can possibly be if I choose it.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Dante, Brighterlight, I've spent most of last night reading up on all the posts here, and I can see how strong both of you are, and many others on here too... its kind of inspirational. So far in my contributions on this sight I've been putting on the confident face, but g*d its hard to move on from this, hey?... I did the weight loss thing already, was down about 20+ lbs but I'm finding the last few days I'm getting back into my old habits. I'm seeing the C in a few minutes and I want to make sure I don't slip back into bad habits, want to keep with the "180", because it was feeling good and even just making eye contact with the opposite sex is actually quite thrilling - one goal I, and men in general should have is getting my testosterone level back, its actually been my focus to help get past the feelings of inadequacy (though I am not the kind of guy that acts purely on test.) Anyways, I'm sorry if I ramble a lot still trying to work out all the emotions and it is affecting everything including my ability to write and communicate.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Hey Lon, thanks for the kind words. I am glad to hear you are doing the weight loss and the 180. I too, recently have been thinking about falling back into my old eating habits, which was not eating a lot but eating the wrong food. As a matter of fact, it hit me yesterday and I wanted to eat a not so good meal (a greasy hamburger actually) LOL! But I know I have changed my habits because I simply asked myself - "do I really need this?" and gave myself an honest answer - no, I don't! And I am actually content with eating right. I am now 33 lbs from reaching my ideal weight for my height. No big deal on losing that in my book. Once there, I will have to make adjustments to maintain - that might get tricky since I have to stop there.

I guess I am trying to say that whenever you feel like you are falling back into your old habits and you catch that before it happens, you are well on your way to being what/where you want to be. I think patience and self awareness is the key. Kudos to you on that!

BTW, I totally agree with the eye contact; I know what you mean. :smthumbup:


----------



## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Lon, it may seem that I am strong, but I have so much emotion that comes out all of the time. I go from loving her to hating her to loving her again on a daily basis. I say horrible things about her (not to her face of course) but it is all just a coping skill to get out the hurt I feel. We aren't even at the two month mark of the separation, but she says that she had lost her husband a year ago and is ready to move on. I still get mixed signals all the time. I need to break the cycle and let her go off and do her own thing.

I know all about the feeling of inadequacy. That is how I felt in our relationship a lot of the time. I am realizing that it was my thinking and not hers, but sometimes people do things to make us feel that way without even knowing it. It is expected that we men are ready to go at a moment's notice, but sometimes (a lot of times in the later years of our marriage) I just didn't feel that way. I think my drugs are helping, but it doesn't do me any good since I have no one to be with right now. What a total mind screw this is. To be feeling more like a man than I have in a long time and not have anyone to share it with. 

Go ahead and ramble on. We all do it and it helps. Sometimes it is the only thing that helps. This is safe harbor for us all. Any port in a storm, but we found a great place to get our feelings out. My C says that even though my wife thought I was emotionally stunted, I have a lot of feelings, but never knew how to let them out in a good way. I am seeing that now. Keep the hope alive and keep working on you.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Ehhh, thanks Dante, I wanted to also say in my post to Lon the same thing about feelings of inadequacy. I too am in the same boat. I sound confident but it is really a love, hate, love, hate, love, hate roller coaster.


----------



## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

dante, I'm glad you were able to spend some time with your friends yesterday. It's good you have good people to talk to during all this.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Dante, I too have been doing the love/hate flip thing like crazy, for the first month after I found out about the infidelity it was cycling back and forth a thousand times a minute... I was an emotional wreck and constantly sobbing anytime I tried to talk about it with anyone. The love/hate cycle is still going on but it seems to have turned into a once or twice per day kind of flip... I think I've actually gotten through all this, to this point at least, much faster than many but that is mostly because my wife is on a path of self-destruction and I am completely certain that is something I won't tolerate or put up with - I have no respect for the way she decided to let these men treat her and its why I am so intent on seeing this separation through. At the C today she suggested to start practicing putting up boundaries so I don't feel like I'll get walked over, which is good because if or when my wife does come to regret her (really stupid) decisions I don't want to just let her back in my life unless she is completely devoted to working on the things we put aside in our marriage, it will be up to me to let her be at my side, though at this point it seems like the very last thing in the entire world that she wants, so I'm not going to give in to false hope, I'm in it alone and single again even as the de-coupling is currently happening.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I dunno Lon! I am sorry for what you are dealing with. Where is LOVE in all of this? Can you imagine having your SO for life where both of you actually commit, enjoy, trust, cherish, and show affection and intimacy for each other day in and day out regardless of the crap life throws at you - forever.

Is there a planet like that? 'Cause I am sick of feeling sad and angry!


----------



## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

I agree. I don't want to move on because my W is very precious to me. She is such a special person, but she has just given up. What are we to do? It takes all of my strength not to drive to her house and profess my love to her. She wants to talk with me tonite to discuss bills. I don't want to talk to her but yet I do. Why does this have to be so hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

You know, there may be something to be said for wanting to be Hugh Hefner - less 30 years!!!!! :smnotworthy:

Uugghh, sorry ladies I am just frustrated! As you can see, so is Dante and Lon on here.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Where is the love? I know I've got it, but I'm not really sure what it is I love exactly - her for who she is and all her flaws, or who I wanted and hoped she would be? I had never questioned my trust in her until this all started, and I genuinely thought we actually had a lot of all those things that we look for in a mate.

I have certainly been depressed, but I think with her she was just so sad (she lost her mom to cancer before we started dating and hasn't really looked up to any strong female role model in her life) and everytime something hard in life comes along it just seems to make her more sad, and she always acts with such haste (I've seen her burn bridges to important people in her life who love her and I blindly pretended that it could never happen to me). Then for whatever reason she assigned the blame on to our marriage and combined with my depression and physical affliction (chronic sinusitus which turned out to also be massive polyps that were literally gagging me at night and causing me to lose crazy amounts of sleep, also intense tinnutis from jaw pressure trying to breathe) we never stood a chance, at least from her perspective.

All along I had hope for me, her and us, but the love definitely was faded. I finally had surgery a few weeks ago but it was bittersweet... physically though I have so much energy and am having unbelievably rejuvanating sleep again. All along though I've still been so in love with her and aside from avoiding each other thought everything would be so easy to make good again... But my resolve to be in love with her is quickly diminishing, I will always want her to be happy but the way she is trying to fulfill her life right now is so damaging and unsustainable. Forcing myself to let go has been the hardest thing I've ever done but I know its right - I just don't want it to be, I just want her to say I'm sorry I made a mistake, I love you and it will be alright we'll work on it together. Except now when I look back I see so many years of our marriage being something that she has not been putting her heart into, she hasn't let herself love me for so long that she forgot entirely, and there is nothing I can say or do to make her see. It really is out of my control, and it doesn't do me any good to try restoring a marriage unless she is willing to repair it with me.

Even though the pain is so unbearable, and that we have to ride this emotional roller coaster through the low spots atleast by talking to each other we can realize that we are doing everything we can and to the best we can. For me I'm realizing that when I need it, the confidence I thought was long gone is still with me and I'm going to start using it again wherever it takes me.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Lon, I can tell that you still have strong feelings her. I can sense the emotion in your story and how sad it is that we love our SO but are willing to let them go as long as they are happy whereever they go. I wish no ill will towards my stbxw, on the contrary, I want her to be fully happy. Do I wish it was still with me, of course I do, but like you said, we have no choice as it is them that need to find their hearts.

Kudos to you for keeping your confidence; mine comes and goes, it's too soon for me to start completely healing but I know I will be there someday soon.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yeah I have feelings for her, but it hurts so much that they are not reciprocated - when you are dating it is bearable but when you've committed to someone, made vows, made a family... it cuts to the core. I suspect this is so much like how it is for anyone like me whose spouse was down in life, went outside the marriage for affection and liked it enough to decide to leave. From what I can tell everyone on this board is on the receiving end of being separated, it seems that those who initiate the separation aren't seeking the same kind of support at all, and it is hard to even see them going through any kind of grieving process for the loss of the marriage. It is unfuriating.


----------

