# What next?



## RosaParks (Jan 4, 2016)

The Story: 35 years married, 2 adult kids on their own, hubby owns a successful business, substantial assets in my name too, one affair 30 years ago, numerous nude beaches by himself and very occasionally with me (just to please him), numerous chat roulette games and other porn addiction sites, signed up at numerous "MarriedManLooking.com" type sites, off and on gambling problem (but we can "afford" the $ 5k at a time losses), constant lies about spending and internet stuff, "sneaks away" to tantra massages on vacation in Europe, overly generous financially to his golf buddies as a way of impressing them, etc Ongoing ADHD problems, reading comprehension problems, sees a psychiatrist regularly for ADHD meds, depression meds, etc (and I go along most every time), gets a 2 hour massage by a female massage therapist every week. Our sex is rare at this point mostly because of his porn addiction, in my opinion. He says he has a hard time "getting started."

He does not think he has any severe problems other than ADHD, and as a Christian wife I should be forgiving about the other issues because of his "focus problems." I control a majority of our assets and he gladly lets me do that. He is not mean to me and never begrudges if I spend a little or a lot of money (though I'm not a spendthrift). We have lots of friends and are active in church. He just kind of leads a double life. 

I am able to recognize these problems have nothing to do with me ~ my appearance, my attention to our marriage, my personality, etc ~ and I am pretty certain he is not involved with some one . He says he is just curious and he can't stay away despite going to a 3 day "Every Man's Battle" porn addiction workshop.

Of course I yearn for trust and intimacy. Do I stay or Do I go? Is there an in between? What are appropriate boundaries?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There is an expression common in the UK. When someone is behaving in a very bad and dispicable way people say: "They need to have the Riot Act read to them!"

Your husband needs to have the Riot Act read to him.

Take no more nonsense from him.

He should be a Christian husband.

I rarely say this but it is way past time for your husband to 'man up.'

See a lawyer to discuss your options.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

Marriages end when one partner hits their tolerance limit.

Would I have left someone like your husband a long time ago? Yep, I wouldn't put up with the lack of affection and someone who couldn't get it up for me anymore because he was watching so much porn and indulging elsewhere. 

Most of all, I LOATHE hypocrisy. Having a husband who's supposedly active in the church and doing this stuff at home would turn my stomach on a number of levels.

However, that's me. 

You have put up with this crap for a long time and you can't ask someone on here where your limit is. You haven't set boundaries on his behavior and have tolerated this for a long time so you need to figure out on your own whether or not you've had enough.

My advice is to really analyze what you want for the rest of your life and how you want to share that life with a partner and figure out whether or not you can achieve those things with this man. If you can't, you may want to end the marriage. Simply understand the pros and cons of both scenarios before you go down either road. 
Divorce isn't easy when you're going through it.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

RosaParks said:


> The Story: 35 years married, 2 adult kids on their own, hubby owns a successful business, substantial assets in my name too, one affair 30 years ago, numerous nude beaches by himself and very occasionally with me (just to please him), numerous chat roulette games and other porn addiction sites, signed up at numerous "MarriedManLooking.com" type sites, off and on gambling problem (but we can "afford" the $ 5k at a time losses), constant lies about spending and internet stuff, "sneaks away" to tantra massages on vacation in Europe, overly generous financially to his golf buddies as a way of impressing them, etc Ongoing ADHD problems, reading comprehension problems, sees a psychiatrist regularly for ADHD meds, depression meds, etc (and I go along most every time), gets a 2 hour massage by a female massage therapist every week. Our sex is rare at this point mostly because of his porn addiction, in my opinion. He says he has a hard time "getting started."
> 
> He does not think he has any severe problems other than ADHD, and as a Christian wife I should be forgiving about the other issues because of his "focus problems." I control a majority of our assets and he gladly lets me do that. He is not mean to me and never begrudges if I spend a little or a lot of money (though I'm not a spendthrift). We have lots of friends and are active in church. He just kind of leads a double life.
> 
> ...


This sounds like he is using his ADHD as a GOOJF (Get Out Of Jail Free) card.

Without any doubt ADHD causes focus issues and I believe that ADHD sufferers are more prone to addictions that others as the addiction feeds the brain chemicals that are low with ADHD.

But disappearing for regular "tantra" massages and vacations takes some focus and planning. Signing up for Married men looking sites isn't a focus issue it's a cheating issue. 

He manages to focus on a female massage for 2 whole hours without getting restless sounds like the ADHD can be controlled when he wants to.

It's so nice that he gets to be active in church while leading this double life behind your back and expecting you to behave like a Christian wife. 
Should we assume that he asks forgiveness everytime he visits a sex worker? He isn't a Christian he is a hypocrite.

As @MattMatt said it sounds like it's time to read him the riot act. 

He is using you and making a fool of you and doing it largely by using your good nature and faith against you. I think that is a despicable way to treat someone, which is saying something as I'm an Atheist and men like him make me proud to be one.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I work clinically with ADHD clients and some of them are like your WH. Their impulse control and judgment is variable and unpredictable.

With treatment, though, the behavior can be mitigated. The only clients I have who revert to self-destructive, offensive behaviors are the ones who go off their meds for whatever reason. These people cheat, get fired, get thrown out of college, get arrested, etc.

So...it's not just an excuse when the diagnosis is correct and it's untreated.

Your WH, however, probably vastly enjoys his toxic, anti-marriage behavior and is happy to let his ADHD take the brunt of the blame. Even having seen what I have with ADHD, I don't believe that he can't control this.

Also, as a woman who is also in a 30+-year marriage with two grown children, I would not want this constant drama and heartache in my life. I really think I would choose to divorce.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Your husband is acting this way because he can. You never put him in his place my lady. He saw he can do what ever he wants and he goes for it. It is easy especially because you have the money.

He had an Affair and I can bet you never talked about it,you just let it slip. 
About him acting like a 20-25 boy- he have no boundaries and this is the big problem.

Also he wants to show around his buddies and doing it he forgets about you and your marriage. Belive me they are not his friends and both of you should think about it.

It is your life and your marriage but I would not stay in this Marriage,simply because your husband does not respect you at all.

He is not acting like a married man which is sad after 30 years together.

On other hand you can try one last time and work together,but let him know you will never accept his crap. 

Tell him to spend money on you. His time that he spend with "friends" he should spend with you. 


Stay strong my lady.


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## RosaParks (Jan 4, 2016)

Thank you all for your comments! Be smart, you are right that it is easier to dilly when you have money to do it. I am very grateful to have the financial security from lots of years of hard work, but it does definitely enable an irresponsible spouse to test the limits of marriage. The affair 30 years ago was very difficult, because I was pregnant and had an emergency delivery & premature baby, but the affair did not get just "swept under the rug." After several rounds of lies of the on- again, off-again affair, I finally got him in the car one night & drove to "her" house. I pulled in the driveway, and told him, "Pick One. Both are not an Option." He saw I was serious. He went to the door and told her it was over. That day he knew I meant it, and as much as he pushes the limits now, I'm certain he knows that if he has a full blown affair, I'm outta here. That was clearly the worst of times, but I'm glad I stayed and worked through our problems. I guess I always have had hope because I really do think he loves me. Many of his problems are rooted in childhood where I think he suffered from this newly named "affluenza" ~ too rich to know the difference between right and wrong. It pains me to see him gamble away $ 5k right before Christmas and when I ask him about he says, " I don;t think that's a problem. We can afford it." Well, yeah, maybe so, but we sure could help starving children too! He says we just have different values and he should not have to conform to mine.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

RosaParks said:


> The Story: 35 years married, 2 adult kids on their own, hubby owns a successful business, substantial assets in my name too, one affair 30 years ago, numerous nude beaches by himself and very occasionally with me (just to please him), numerous chat roulette games and other porn addiction sites, signed up at numerous "MarriedManLooking.com" type sites, off and on gambling problem (but we can "afford" the $ 5k at a time losses), constant lies about spending and internet stuff, "sneaks away" to tantra massages on vacation in Europe, overly generous financially to his golf buddies as a way of impressing them, etc Ongoing ADHD problems, reading comprehension problems, sees a psychiatrist regularly for ADHD meds, depression meds, etc (and I go along most every time), gets a 2 hour massage by a female massage therapist every week. Our sex is rare at this point mostly because of his porn addiction, in my opinion. He says he has a hard time "getting started."
> 
> He does not think he has any severe problems other than ADHD, and as a Christian wife I should be forgiving about the other issues because of his "focus problems." I control a majority of our assets and he gladly lets me do that. He is not mean to me and never begrudges if I spend a little or a lot of money (though I'm not a spendthrift). We have lots of friends and are active in church. He just kind of leads a double life.
> 
> ...


You stay if he makes your heart sing, or if you think it could return to that point. Do you love him despite his flaws? What if nothing really changes? Does he desire to return to the romance that (hopefully) dominated past years?

Relationship Teacher


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Relationship Teacher said:


> You stay if he makes your heart sing, or if you think it could return to that point. Do you love him despite his flaws? What if nothing really changes? Does he desire to return to the romance that (hopefully) dominated past years?
> 
> Relationship Teacher


Sweet Holy Christ.

It's like you didn't even bother to read the post that you just quoted.


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## RosaParks (Jan 4, 2016)

So Gus Polinski - I'm new here, but I read several of your posts and appreciate your common sense advice. What's your take on my situation?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

RosaParks said:


> So Gus Polinski - I'm new here, but I read several of your posts and appreciate your common sense advice. What's your take on my situation?


Ugh.

You're not going to like it.


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## RosaParks (Jan 4, 2016)

I can take it. I promise.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

I laughed, OP, when you said, 'He _kind of_ lives a double life.' You are minimising. This is varsity hypocrisy.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

RosaParks said:


> I can take it. I promise.


Two things...

1. Whether you know it or not, or even suspect it or not (And how COULDN'T you?), I think you're dealing with WAY more than a single affair here.

2. Either learn to live w/ his sh*t behavior or file for divorce. Personally, I'd suggest the latter, ESPECIALLY since it seems you'd be somewhat protected financially.

Sorry, but I just don't see him changing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Sweet Holy Christ.
> 
> It's like you didn't even bother to read the post that you just quoted.


You're sweet.

:grin2:
Relationship Teacher


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Relationship Teacher said:


> You're sweet.
> 
> :grin2:
> Relationship Teacher


Eh... I suppose I've been called worse.

Plus I am pretty sweet.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

RosaParks said:


> The Story: 35 years married, 2 adult kids on their own, hubby owns a successful business, substantial assets in my name too, one affair 30 years ago, numerous nude beaches by himself and very occasionally with me (just to please him), numerous chat roulette games and other porn addiction sites, signed up at numerous "MarriedManLooking.com" type sites, off and on gambling problem (but we can "afford" the $ 5k at a time losses), constant lies about spending and internet stuff, "sneaks away" to tantra massages on vacation in Europe, overly generous financially to his golf buddies as a way of impressing them, etc Ongoing ADHD problems, reading comprehension problems, sees a psychiatrist regularly for ADHD meds, depression meds, etc (and I go along most every time), gets a 2 hour massage by a female massage therapist every week. Our sex is rare at this point mostly because of his porn addiction, in my opinion. He says he has a hard time "getting started."
> 
> He does not think he has any severe problems other than ADHD, and as a Christian wife I should be forgiving about the other issues because of his "focus problems." I control a majority of our assets and he gladly lets me do that. He is not mean to me and never begrudges if I spend a little or a lot of money (though I'm not a spendthrift). We have lots of friends and are active in church. He just kind of leads a double life.
> 
> ...


In exchange for 'possibly, someday' working things out with him, I'd demand he go to an inpatient longterm treatment for sex and gambling addiction. He has been doing this for a long time and it will take a long time to break these habits, he will only do it if he has a very good reason. And he will have 'relapses' too. He will not fix this if he doesn't admit he has a problem. Once he admits he has a problem, then he must take steps to fix it. You have to decide if he is sincere and actually working to fix it or just telling you what you want to hear. If he is sincere, it will still be a long road to recovery.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rosa you need to see a lawyer to discover what your options are and how to protect yourself financially.

Incidentally the courts may not take kindly to a spouse who squanders the marital assets by gambling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> There is an expression common in the UK. When someone is behaving in a very bad and dispicable way people say: "They need to have the Riot Act read to them!"
> 
> Your husband needs to have the Riot Act read to him.
> 
> ...


Not just the Riot Act read but a 2X4 up the side of the head and a major 'come to Jesus moment.' You have become codependent and have enabled him by allowing him to have a double life, obviously you have been covering for him, a bit like the way wives cover for their alcoholic husbands. Stop doing that, let the chips fall where they may. Also agree, get yourself a lawyer and consider a divorce so you can live an honest Christian life. Being a Christian does not mean you stay yoked to him come what may, he already lost that privilege when he cheated on you, and going on sites, etc is also cheating, it is not keeping the marriage vow sacred. DUMP him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

aine said:


> Not just the Riot Act read but a 2X4 up the side of the head and a major 'come to Jesus moment.' You have become codependent and have enabled him by allowing him to have a double life, obviously you have been covering for him, a bit like the way wives cover for their alcoholic husbands. Stop doing that, let the chips fall where they may. Also agree, get yourself a lawyer and consider a divorce so you can live an honest Christian life. Being a Christian does not mean you stay yoked to him come what may, he already lost that privilege when he cheated on you, and going on sites, etc is also cheating, it is not keeping the marriage vow sacred. DUMP him.


After the Riot Act was read to a crowd they had to disperse before the Militia either chopped them down or shot them!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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