# Option not a priority



## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

So the hubby and I went out to dinner the other night with our daughter and her boyfriend. I was talking and husband interrupted me yet again. I have had numerous talks with him about this. I just stared at him when he did it and he just says "ok..I know I did it again." Our daughter tells him "yeah for like the 10th time tonight." That is when the lightbulb went on for me.

For many years, I have thought our only real problem has been in the bedroom but the marriage outside the bedroom was just fine. I took the fact that we seldom argue, little drama, and mostly friendly toward each other otherwise as nothing to fix. I took off the rose colored glasses now and realized I am ignored outside the bedroom just as well. I feel perhaps he has taken me for granted for a long time now which has resulted me being a low priority. I hadn't really had a word to describe what I have felt many times over and why I have responded negatively at times and didn't know why.

1. Doesn't listen to me. He is good at repeating what I said right after I say it but in one ear and out the other 30 minutes later. He will often inform me about something I have already told him. 

2. Values other's opinions over mine. I can tell him something but yet if someone else says the same thing later on he acts like it is new information. For example: if I and the advice nurse over the phone tell him the exact same thing he will see her advice as more worthy. Once again back to the don't listen to me.

3. Doesn't back me up. I don't need this often but when I do I expect him to be there. For example: If daughter is arguing or being disrespectful with me then he will either ignore her behavior or tell us "both" to knock it off. He also forces me to be the bad guy with her. Instead of directly telling her no he will say ask your mom expecting me to tell her no. Then they will badmouth me with each other behind my back.

4. Doesn't help much around the house. What he does help with is chores that directly benefit him or makes some half attempt to start but doesn't complete. That is if he couldn't find a way to delegate it to someone else.

5. No sex. No flirting. No affection other than a kiss on cheek when he goes to work.

6. Most conversations end up about him but he will ask me about my day while he playing on his phone. 

7. Dates usually consist of home depot or a sporting event. When the rare occasions we get to go to dinner alone, he is playing on his phone or watching some game on the tv.

Like I said earlier that I am not an innocent here either. I have responded in ways I should not have. Usually it was out of frustration because conversations about the above behavior falls on deaf ears.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

He's in dire need of book MMSLP. 


No sex meaning sexless marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Based on the information you provided see if this describes your husband:

He is very successful at work. He understands his goals there and will do anything to achieve them. He may not get along that well with others that he works with, but this actually helps his focus and be very productive. 

At home he has certain routines he likes to follow. Once he has started a routine, it is very difficult to get him to stop and do something else. 

He is exceptional with understanding electronics in the home, how to fix them, and how to upgrade and/or replace them.

He has a hard time managing his diet and will sometimes eat certain food obsessively. 

He may refuse to go somewhere if he knows in advance that parking may be limited or unaccessible. 

Does this describe him?

Badsanta


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

badsanta said:


> Based on the information you provided see if this describes your husband:
> 
> He is very successful at work. He understands his goals there and will do anything to achieve them. He may not get along that well with others that he works with, but this actually helps his focus and be very productive.
> 
> ...


Some of it describes him.

He is successful but gets along with most everyone. He focused and productive. He is a GM in business that is sales oriented so he is an extrovert and go getter and doesn't know a stranger personality.

He really doesn't have a routine other than morning. Maybe at work...I don't know. He is usually okay with interruptions unless it is a game. 

Not exceptional involving electronics. He will research for a way to fix/upgrade but only when necessary.

Yes to not managing his diet. I don't find him to be obsessive over any particular food or food group.

The parking thing is recent due to a handicap that can affect distance walking.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

i can't help with most of your issues but maybe with him interrupting you. my wife will do that. the key is to KEEP TALKING. finish your thought/sentence.whatever even while he is talking. DO NOT STOP until you are finished. i found that when my wife didn't get the attention from her interruption she pulled back until i was finished. at first we'd both talk for 5-10 seconds, then it was a few seconds. now she rarely interrupts.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

jerry123 said:


> He's in dire need of book MMSLP.
> 
> 
> No sex meaning sexless marriage?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes no sex meaning sexless marriage. This is him not me that has taken away sex.

I took a look at the book and a little confused. Maybe you can help clarify it. From what I have read on reviews this is for men to take the lead and be dominant but also aimed at men who are themselves being ignored by their wives and given a low priority in their marriage. Not discounting the book just curious since the reviews seem to be one sided and may not tell the whole story. What does it say in regards to how men should lead?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm reading the original post thinking that's minor , that's minor, that's minor, and then I got to Gripe # 5, and Ah ha, so that is what this is about.

Someone once asked me why everything went back to sex. My reply was that when you aren't getting sex, everything is about sex. And when you are getting sex everything else will work out. Perhaps it is a mans way of looking at life, but there are plenty of women on this forum with low drive partners and what you are saying reflects their complaints.

When a woman is not getting sexual attention from her partner, including initiation, and planing events. She feels that he doesn't value her. She thinks something is wrong with her. She must be fat or ugly or out of fashion, or any number of things. But the fact is it is not her that he doesn't want it is the Sex. He just has a low drive. For some reason, or for no reason. I especially like your thread title An option, Not a priority. Because that is how all of us Higher Drive partners feel.

The Crazy thing is Your Husband could make you feel like you were at the top of his list with a few simple actions 2 or 3 times a week. He could start by coming back for an extra kiss once in a while, and make it a hollywood one.

I don't have advice for you onedge, Just a viewpoint that may help you feel better. It took me and Mrs Nail a lot of work to get past that feeling. She has to do and say things that she is not comfortable with. And I have to appreciate every tiny stretch she makes.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

onedge said:


> Yes no sex meaning sexless marriage. This is him not me that has taken away sex.
> 
> I took a look at the book and a little confused. Maybe you can help clarify it. From what I have read on reviews this is for men to take the lead and be dominant but also aimed at men who are themselves being ignored by their wives and given a low priority in their marriage. Not discounting the book just curious since the reviews seem to be one sided and may not tell the whole story. What does it say in regards to how men should lead?


It's for both types, even dominant men need to dial down a bit and add beta. 

Your husband needs to have his testosterone levels checked. How old is he?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

He is 58. Levels checked like a year ago and tested in the high 300's. This is low but still considered normal range by doctor standards so no HRT. Went for second opinion and same thing. He has not had problems with getting erections but keeping them and most likely due to low T. Doc prescribed little blue pills that seem to have had major improvement. When there has been sex, he seems to enjoy it.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

My experience is that sex is often just the tip of the iceberg, and like the part you can see, it's easiest to talk about. But problems in the bedroom usually aren't limited to that. 

So, the issue is which came first, and what's the story behind it. Was he always like this or when and how did it change? That's the real kicker here, not what he does or doesn't do, but when and why it started.

What you're describing is a relationship that is seriously broken. It's often best to catalog the issues, as you have. But sometimes, it's best to take a step back and look at the whole picture with him. I think this is the better approach here.

In your case, that picture is pretty bleak. I'd frankly start by making some pretty easy observations about things..his lack of sexual responsiveness, his lack of regard for you, etc...asking him what happened and why, and then also asking him if he sees value in the marriage..b/c a lot of the behaviors you're describing would strongly suggest he doesn't. 

You guys need a lot of work..maybe individually on your own stuff, as well as some joint work. The first step is to just make some observations to him abut the quality of the marriage, and compare notes concerning your mutual satisfaction and desire to change it. It's not so much about the list, it's his commitment to doing that work.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Onedge, it sounds like you are a good wife and trying to do all the right things but your husband is putting you dead last while enjoying the fruits of a good home. At 58, does he know how lucky he is. If not, maybe someone needs to explain it to him.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

Thanks everyone! Mr. Nail and Vlad...you so hit it on the head. When there is enough attention outside the bedroom the bedroom issues don't feel so overwhelming. Hubby is low drive period toward sex. He isn't out there flirting or gawking or doing anything that tells me that this is really about him not desiring me. He just doesn't have sex on the brain. Low T might be a reason for LD but it doesn't excuse the other behaviors.

I have been reading about MMSLP and definitely has piqued my interest. Moreover, the Mindful Attraction Plan for me. I have been at their forum just reading. I think I have some mapping to do because there is definitely improvements that I need for my own self. My pet project for summer break was figuring out a way to be just content with my life. That comes more from inside at this point. Also, watched the first 5 chapters of nice card mean card. Lots of thinking now.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Hey OnEdge, one thing I've noticed over the years is that both men like your husband and women with good supporting and romantic spouse tend to take them for granted and put them on the their needs back burner. And yes , including an erotic and romantic side in a big way. If not, why be in a relationship in the first place.
I think some so called LD husbands and wives alike become somewhat jaded and spoiled with their spouses typically doting over them for affection and put even less effort into holding up their end of the deal. Then they get their feeling hurt when their spouses had enough and either ditches them for a more fulfilling life and/or turns to another to get what they don't get at home.
If talking to your old man fails to get him to improve your side of the marriage, maybe it time to let him see other men find you very attractive. Some people just won't get off their dead azzes until they know that you know, somebody else may steal you away. You may not ever let that happen, but he doesn't need to know it. Sometimes a little competition is good to wake up a churlish person. If what you report about him treating you less important than other people and your needs simply ignored, he need a good dose of, "other guys think my wife is hot" medicine. Dress a little provocative when you go out together and let him see other men giving you the eye. Take my word for it, he'll notice. And let him know you notice. Beside, it will do you a world of good to know your still appreciated by the opposite sex.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

I agree Vlad. Just watching the first 5 chapters of nice card mean card (I presume to be the PC version of no more mr. nice guy) opened my eyes. I went back and realized that I actually do have the ability to play the mean card but haven't been doing it correctly. 

For example: I used to get up early and pack him breakfast and lunch for work because he said he wanted to lose weight. So I would count the cals, fat, carbs, and then cook 2 meals and a snack for him to warm up later. I would spend an hour cooking and packing and another 45 minutes to clean the kitchen back up again. This went on for months and I am like why isn't he losing weight because I am doing everything I can think of. Well he wouldn't do any exercise first of all but I still thought even the lower cals should cause some weight loss. I figured out he was getting extra cals somewhere else and was just manipulating me into fixing his meals so he didn't have to do it himself. I stopped doing it. Now I played the mean card by not being the yes person on his meals but I didn't get it through his head why I stopped. Instead of him realizing he f***ed up he took more of a pity party. 

I can now see I was doing it in the hope that he would appreciate it enough to fulfill some of my needs and of course he didn't. So after a few chapters of this book, I am not certain how much I was doing it for him or for me. Why I need to read the whole book. Anyone who has read no more mr nice guy is this rather what the book is about? Learning why we do things? Does it show how to play mean cards in a way that gets the message across without a head slap to go with it?


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

This morning I did do the yes card and made him breakfast and lunch. Mostly to see how he reacted. Plus, about 6 weeks ago he said he wanted to lose weight and I was like I told myself I wasn't going to jump on that bandwagon again unless he proves it. He did lose 15 pounds on his own which showed he was at least taking responsibility and committed. I just told myself that I was packing his meals to show support but nothing else. No expectations. Tonight I will talk to him. He needs to thoroughly understand that I will do this to support him but if slacks on being responsible for his own weight loss that I will not continue.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

I guess you didn't like my advice to talk with him about all this. Vids and books are easier, I know.

Hun, the issue isn't so much your expectations, but your lack of clarity. It's fine to do nice stuff in the hopes he reciprocate, but hoping alone doesn't get you there, perhaps you recall there is really no Santa. Likewise, it's not that you didn't do the "Mean" thing "Right"....Good golly, there's no such thing as "Good mean", you're really asking for an escalation if you go there.

You can pack him anything you want for lunch, or be as supportive (or unsupportive) as you like...and you can read any book, too...but the thing that needs to happen is for you to be able to talk with each other about the underlying issues, not just the behavior manifestations. Actions alone won't get you there, and you risk making it worse.

Sorry, there's no easy way to do this.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Here's the thing OnEdge. Being there to help him lose weight and supporting him through it, notwithstanding your patients with his other spousal misnomers of overlooking the person who is the most important in his life, shows youre a terrific spouse and he is lucky to have you. I hope he realizes that. Nevertheless, don't forget what the flight attendants tell you about putting the oxygen mask on yourself. You can't sacrifice everything to your own detriment.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

I am sorry unicus. I thought I responded but I don't know where that post went. Yes talking is most important. I am just not certain how to say it any different that it doesn't go in one ear and out the other. I have been direct, I have been respectful, and he will apologize. This lasts a few days and things go right back to where they were. I hear what you are saying...I think. Instead of going around and around of what he is doing I need to get him to open up as to why he is doing it to begin with.

I don't think I have done any mean cards on husband that I an conscious of but I did use them on 18 yr old daughter who has been disrespectful way to often. Lets say I haven't had to ask anything twice nor had an argument in 2 days.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

badsanta said:


> Based on the information you provided see if this describes your husband:
> 
> He is very successful at work. He understands his goals there and will do anything to achieve them. He may not get along that well with others that he works with, but this actually helps his focus and be very productive.
> 
> ...


 :scratchhead:


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Haiku said:


> :scratchhead:


I followed up with a PM regarding this to the OP. It has a lot to do with certain individual traits that could possibly cause an individual to interrupt conversations between others repeatedly but not understand why they can not avoid doing it.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Based on the information you provided see if this describes your husband:
> 
> He is very successful at work. He understands his goals there and will do anything to achieve them. He may not get along that well with others that he works with, but this actually helps his focus and be very productive.
> 
> ...


Dang, I just carefully read this and it sounds like me. Cept I'm a wizard with all systems in the home and take care of my wife, I gar-on-tee. (and I'm older than this old boy)
Like my cousin would say, "Dat old boy may fool around spending so much impressing himself and other folks, he ends up losing de best ting he ever had". I'm sure some on here read this and wished their wife was like she describes herself to be.


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