# Looking for a woman's thoughts on this....



## plsea (Sep 18, 2014)

Hi there. I have been married to my wife for 20 years and together about 26. We started dating in High School. Over the last 4-5 years there has been a slow, growing discomfort in our marriage and we are nearly at the point where any communication at all about 'us' is impossible. I have zero interest in separation or divorce, but do find myself talking and thinking about it more frequently because....well.....our marriage is really not that fun. It is downright painful. I feel she has essentially shut down on me. She tends to exist and be ok with us having a 'business' relationship. We are friends, but the marriage/us part of things is just plain missing. Sex is all but gone and there is this growing discomfort between us as we try to struggle through existence. 

My problem / question is this. To me she seems passive on the whole thing. I feel like all of this matters to me more than it does to her. I have not ever been a frantic, overly emotional mess. I have been the one to 'try' and to 'break down' and be the one who makes the apology and try to work things through. It seems to be ALWAYS ME. I have asked for a return commitment to work together several times over the last few years. Every time it's the same...she says she'll think about it but never really responds. As our daily lives blend together, or we have a few weeks where we are getting along it just dies on the vine. She just seems to be completely 'checked out'.

For those of you who know the 5 Love Languages, my language is physical connection and hers is 'spending quality time together / connecting'. The physical side of our relationship has been nil. My love tank is empty. I have been rather consistent on trying to fill her love tank needs (not always super successful), but the point is that I have really tried. It's really been probably 3-4 years this way.

4 years ago (I call it the Foot Stomp) she had had enough of my close-offedness and essentially demanded that I make some personal changes. She wanted more emotion from me. She wanted me to be more sensitive and give her more attention. I pretty much immediately did an about-face and worked very hard on breaking down my shell and getting more in touch with my heart and soul. It wasn't easy, but I did it. I needed to, and I really didn't want to lose my wife at all. I did the best I could.

Almost immediately I noticed that I was putting in more effort than she was. I tend to call it 'sitting back and seeing how nice he'll be.' She stayed checked out. As I was finding more emotion inside, she seemed to be getting colder. It was a painful process. I know I've told her dozens of times, "You asked me to tap in to my emotions, but you've left me standing here holding my heart and you won't help me keep it safe." 

During these 4 years there have been some positive times. As long as 4 months but usually 1-2 months. There always seems to be a point where I feel like I am the one doing all the real work. I am doing more nice things, I am working on filling her love tank with together time and good discussion. But she just could never really work to fill my love tank at all. We used to be extremely physical people and she just kind of lost it. I will say that probably every time the ___ month good together times were broken by me becoming very frustrated that the passion and intimacy just never got started by her and she seemed to be doing it just in some sort of obligatory way. It leaves me feeling emotionally empty and chemically (lack of sex) it does make me literally fly off the handle. I get very angry and frustrated. [Not like physically angry or anything like that, but I do just kind of snap out of pure frustration].

I'm asking for advice. We are in a bad spot and I am thinking that staying together seems impossible. I have lately (in the last week) confessed my love for her and the frustration I have that she just won't / can't care about my love tank and the importance that passion and connection is to me. I again asked her to make the same type of commitment to really try and to come back in at 50% effort. She again can't even answer me. It drives me absolutely crazy. 

I will admit that I can snap and lash out verbally when I think too much about the level of input that I'm putting in vs. what she is. I know this is a big stumbling block for her and she tells me all the time that she can't take the frustrating lash-outs and 'inconsistency' from me. To me it doesn't matter if we are connecting for a week or four months...No matter what when I get to a frustrated point all she can say is, "It seems whenever I'm just getting ready to fall back in love you lash out." No amount of time 'getting better' seems long enough.

What do I do? How do I approach her? Do I move out and give her some space? I really feel like she is not in love with me at all any more but keeps me around because I make good money, am a good father and we do get along as friends. She just seems like she's kind of existing in this passive state.

I don't want to lose it any more. I want to be happy. I want to be happy WITH HER, but I really can't take the no heart and no passion / sex / intimacy. I have no idea where to start. I don't even know if she loves me any more? She doesn't want to do counseling. I feel like our roles have completely reversed...I'm the one who's an emotional wreck and she's the hardened soul who feels/shows no emotion. HELP ME!!!


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Sorry this is happening for you. Two thoughts - one is that you need counselling and all you can do is make an appointment and tell her when it is. Hopefully she will show up, if she doesn't, you may have an answer.

But the other thought is, you say this: "I again asked her to make the same type of commitment to really try and to come back in at 50% effort. She again can't even answer me. It drives me absolutely crazy." Seems like you need to have a conversation in which you don't let her not answer the question. Become a broken record. When she goes silent or changes the subject or uses whatever tactic she uses to avoid, keep asking the question "Are you willing to make an effort for this marriage?" If she says "I don't know." Then you say "I need you to figure it out. I am feeling that our marriage is in jeopardy and I'd like us to work together on it but if we can't then I'm going to make a marriage counselling appointment for us."


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## plsea (Sep 18, 2014)

Thank you  That is good advice.


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## tryagain13 (Sep 15, 2014)

I will share first about me so that you can ascertain the perspective I'm coming from. To sum it up, in my first marriage, I reached a point where I felt very alone, disconnected from my husband emotionally and started to wonder what we ever really had in common. I was going through a tough time emotionally one year and when I felt he should have supported me and loved me, he just seemed to go about his life. I started to cry easily at the littlest things, wasn't able to sleep well, and became susceptible to physical illnesses. Just a wreck. At the time I was parenting two young daughters and working full time as well. ANYWAY, I after suggesting during this time couple's counseling, reading relationship books together, going to a marriage seminar, etc, I finally made the decision that I wanted to leave. Originally, my husband was of the attitude "just because you're not happy in our marriage doesn't mean I'm not happy. If you're not happy, that's your problem. I am not sitting through counseling when you have something you need to work on. I'm fine." Once I said I was leaving, everything changed. He took the situation very seriously, wanted to go to counseling, willing to read the books that I bought...he was willing to try anything at that point to save the marriage. I won't tell you the outcome here for us right now because it's not relevant to your situation. 

1) Think very hard about saying the words out loud "I think we should separate." Do you feel ANY sort of relief when you think these words or say them out loud? If you do, then it may be time to say them to her. her reaction once you say these words and mean them will tell you a lot. You have to be ready to follow through, though, with leaving and you have to be ready to accept that she may let you go. 

2) Sometimes people reach a point where they have become so unhappy and they go through so much emotional turmoil and damage that it's impossible to come back to "normal." Your wife may have gone through this initially, before the Foot Stomp. She may be unable to get all the way back to you at this time. You either tap out, or ride this out, owning your part in what's happened. 

3) If you stay with her the way things are now, YOU may be the one that cannot "get back" to her, with the emotional damage being too great and having gone through SO much to come to this point (of considering leaving).


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

You have gotten some good advice. Have you asked your wife to go to counseling with you? I think it is imperative that you do that. 

I also agree with the assessment that you may need to go through a separation if she will not do the counseling.

She is mid 40s, right? How is she in other areas? Is she dealing with some depression? Some mid-life crisis issues? Is she int he re-evaluation stage. To me, it sounds like she is. It sounds like she spoke to you 4 years ago and is in wait and see mode (which is not fair). I don't know if her perspective is the same as yours. 

Do you have faith that she is not cheating? Could she now be getting her emotional needs met elsewhere?


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