# Discovering Boundaries....Is it to late?



## Tommyboy (Mar 23, 2012)

So my wife and I never talked about Boundaries...... I messed up when before we got married, she asked me how i felt about male friends and I told her i didn't mind, since i had female friends. So after we got married I started feeling insecure and would snap every time she brought one up. I started going to therapy and realized my happiness is from myself. I didnt like myself, so I assumed she was getting something I didnt think i was giving her from someone else. I tend to have negative assumptions all the time. When her phone rings or she gets a text, I assume out of all her friends and family its one of these guys. So, I know it is my own insecurities. I still talk to my female friends occasionally via IM. She dosent talk to them often and at this point I dont know if she does or not. I stopped checking her phone. She dosent go out and when she does it with her girl friends. She has always told me I can check her phone. She has nothing to hid, but I feel guilty about that because i feel weird about it. I use to sneak and do it and deny deny deny I didnt.. Sometimes she looks through my phone and when i grab her phone to do the same she gets mad and says i am being childish, which I am. A year later, it stills bothers me. I dont know if she is still friends with the 2 guys or not. One of the guys mom is sick and she went to go and visit, this was back in January. I know one of the guys is married and him and my wife have been friends since grade school, but my wife told me he did try and talk to her before we meet. The other guy, they use to talk but nothing happened between them, they dated but no kissing or anything. I believe her. When she told me this, this was when we first meet. So she had no reason to lie. She dosent sit on the phone with them or anyone when I am around, so she is not doing anything in front of me. I am just wondering if she is doing it before i get home since she knows how i feel...

My question is, Will this feeling ever go away? Will i continue to struggle with this until I find my own happiness? Should this bother me? Has anyone dealt with this situation? Is this all coming from me or do boundaries even need to be set?

Any advice would be appreciated.

p.s.......My ex wife cheated on me and I was in a toxic marriage for way to long...


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

It's never too late...I am new to the whole boundary thing myself. I always thought that you had to cross your fingers and hope for the best in a relationship. Now I know that it is OK to communicate your expectations, your limits, your absolute dealbreakers...but don't have loose boundaries. IE, if you're going to have female friends, don't ask her not to have male friends. Decide what is mutually acceptable in these friendships.


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## Good Dog (Mar 28, 2012)

Yeah, it's not too late. She should be able to understand your concerns if you communicate them as being about other guys rather than being about her. My wife started out with guy friends and I was okay with it, but it quickly became obvious that even the ones who didn't make a move on her wanted to. I brought up my issues and she agreed and it's been much better. So I think you can change boundaries at any time if it's reasonable (yours is) and if you approach it cooperatively rather than as something you're angry about.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

It's not too late. 

Boundaries are important especially in cases like yours where resentment and jealously arise within the marriage (warranted or not).

Out of love for you, and likewise your love for her, you should request that both of you refrain from having opposite sex friendships.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You have the right to this boundary and no it's not too late.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Count me in on this. It is never too late. We all evolve. You realized that you really do have a problem with this. 

Do His Needs Her Needs together and do the boundary setting.

Do not compromise your integrity. Meaning if it is a real boundary do not negotiate it away.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

My own 2c -- probably not worth 2c actually.

Insecurity and jealousy are not good lodestones for steering your ship by. I really don't care whether you manage to set boundaries or not. Those things will kill your marriage. All the boundaries in the world won't help that. You are going to struggle with this for the rest of your life... long after she divorces you... until you fix it.


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## Shwagulous (Mar 12, 2012)

Jeff/BC said:


> My own 2c -- probably not worth 2c actually.
> 
> Insecurity and jealousy are not good lodestones for steering your ship by. I really don't care whether you manage to set boundaries or not. Those things will kill your marriage. All the boundaries in the world won't help that. You are going to struggle with this for the rest of your life... long after she divorces you... until you fix it.


My only caveat to that would be that these base feelings are part of us as a protective measure for the most part. So basically, I agree that it is bad for OP to be jealous if a male flirts with OPs wife / gives her attention / etc and it is all one-sided. However, I think it is absolutely the correct response to have if his wife accepts these advances. Then those feelings are correctly justified and should cause him to take action. They are not something that should be rooted out of him in that case.

I would also question why a wife would want to keep any males like that in her life. Not saying that is how these guys are with OPs wife. Just more of a general statement. Just me 2c to add to yours.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MEM had a thread that addressed women who did not shutdown the advances of other men. To continue to be friends and interact with males who are activly purusing a woman.

Anyway boundaries deal with this.


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## Tommyboy (Mar 23, 2012)

Good advice. I am not ready to drop my female friends. So I can not ask her to drop her male friends. Until I see something that is inappropriate, I will continue to goto counseling and learn where these feelings are coming from within myself. 

Thanks a bunch.


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