# Pair Bonding --- Can she lose the ability?



## BPure (Nov 25, 2018)

no.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

It's not really about bonding but that she is a broken, skanky, ne'er-do-well that has poor boundaries and character issues. 

She's basically from the other side of the tracks and there really isn't a 'fix' for this. 

This is the kind of gal you get a BJ from in the car in the back parking lot of the strip club, not marry and have a home and family with. 

You tried to be a White Knight and rescue a damsel in distress and now what you have to show for it is a distressed damsel on your hands.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now to address your actual question - it's kind of a chicken vs the egg thing. 

Has her promiscuous past lead her to have difficulty in meaningful, long-term bonding with one man? 

Or does being skanky and having a lack of boundaries and character just manifest itself into being promiscuous and being sexually attracted to bad men that are into drugs and strippers and screwing around with skanky chicks? 


Either way what really matters here is not why she is the way she is how she got there but that she is not compatible with you and that you both have very different values and mores.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You gave a lot of back story, but not enough info, in your present situation with her. As damage as she might be, is she a good wife to you! the no sex for so long is it your own doing, her, or both? 

You said you love her, but does she loves you?, Does she has your back? Or are you two just going through the motions?

I can understand your demoralization, as you've learned about her sordid past, but is that really in her past? Or you'd feel that she's still latent on her past behavior?

Do you/she love each other enough to seek help? Or is it just you, that cannot longer stand the info about her sordid past that she has voluntarily given you?

What is your ultimate goal here? Do you want to save it, or you just want validation to dump her? Let us know.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling. Would that help?

BTW, how did she have her tattoos removed? Sounds painful!


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Living in a separate bedroom for 5 years? Did I read that correctly. You are not attracted to her, you don't have sex, you find most things about her and her past to be a problem. Do this please. Go re-read what you just wrote for us. Pretend it was written by someone else. Really try to detach yourself from it, It's a strangers story. What would you tell this stranger? 

You are incompatible in your morals and values.
You Are not attracted to her.
You don't sleep in the same room.
She has a son who just got out of prison and is a sex offender.
And there is so much more.

Bud your head got twisted by your ex-wife and you made a big mistake.


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> You gave a lot of back story, but not enough info, in your present situation with her. As damage as she might be, is she a good wife to you! the no sex for so long is it your own doing, her, or both?
> 
> You said you love her, but does she loves you?, Does she has your back? Or are you two just going through the motions?
> 
> ...


Thank you @MattMatt for editing into paragraphs!!

OP did not use the word skanky, we did. I don't like that word--we don't show much class sometimes.

I'm thinking @Rob_1 s questions are relevant and valid. Who is she now and what is possible?


Red Flags:
"She removed two tattoos, but later went without my full knowledge and got 7 more. I now despise them all. We were struggling because my dog was getting very ill and she was upset over the time I was spending with his upkeep and attention given while I still had him. Her way of 'coping' was tattoos. She still has them all."



She does permanent things she knows he dislikes when she is upset that dog gets more attention than she. She 'copes' by seeking attention. Her past may be her past, but this is her present and is blatantly disrespectful to OP.

If he is unable to care for her in the way a husband should for his wife (not because he feels sorry for her) this is an uncompromising issue. 

Women who have had a past they consider to be sordid often have issues of self-respect. She told him, he didn't get it and wanted to 'in your face' her husband. Lots of detritus here. 

Want to hear answers to Rob's questions.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I think the promiscuous life is another symptom of her brokenness. I think you should run. You have dated two women. Both sound very screwed up. I think you should work on your picker and try being alone for a while.


----------



## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

I would offer that while she appears to have some issues, there are some things you need to work on in yourself, as well. You ignored multiple red flags and married this woman quickly, likely because you were lonely. You say nothing is sacred to her, is anything sacred to you? Marriage is sacred, and this seems a little like a bait and switch on your part. She was upfront and told you that she had a 'sordid' past, you chose not to investigate this further, her husband was married when she met him, did you ponder this before extending a lifetime offer to her?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that you are both "broken", but in different ways. And because of this you are not compatible.

You say that you are concerned that if you divorce her, she will be alone. She has a couple of children right? If this you being a KISA (knight in shinning armor)? Does she really have much when she has you since it seems that in some ways you are repelled by you. Does she know how you feel about her? Have you told her? You should and then you should let her make up her mind about whether or not she wants to stay with a guy who is repelled by her. 

I find it interesting that some think that men used her. Perhaps she was using them just as much. The idea that a woman is a victim in all this is nonsense.

If you divorce her, who do you have in your life. Is your concern really that you will be alone?

You need to look at what you want out of life, because if you are not achieving that, you are not a lot of good to anyone else.


----------



## BPure (Nov 25, 2018)

no


----------



## BPure (Nov 25, 2018)

no


----------



## BPure (Nov 25, 2018)

no


----------



## BPure (Nov 25, 2018)

no


----------



## BPure (Nov 25, 2018)

no


----------



## BPure (Nov 25, 2018)

no


----------



## BPure (Nov 25, 2018)

no


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Then she is using tattoos as a psychological crutch.


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

So, there has been no sex FOR YOU in the past year.

I would wager a brand new shiny nickel that this is not the case for her.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Dude, read the first post of this thread like it ain’t you. Then, what would you tell that guy?


----------



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

We are all products of our past experiences. Some experiences we learn from and use to better ourselves. Some experiences we don't learn from and keep repeating because something within us draws us to those experiences. If we find ourselves drawn to bad experiences over and over, it's usually time to get some professional help. it sounds like she probably needs some professional help to deal with some of her negative issues in a more productive way. Until she gets some and you can actually see what she is willing to do to change, I don't think you can get the answers to the questions you are asking about her. She clearly has issues, but then again, so do you. You married her on the rebound, and for the purpose of revenge. Not a good start for any marriage!

Glad to see you are seeking counseling. It seems to be very important to you to do the right thing for both of you and your marriage. That's good, but you are asking questions about what she is capable of doing, which is something you have no control over. So your focus needs to switch totally to things you do have control over - which is yourself and YOUR desire and\or ability to change yourself.

Is there anything you can do to change yourself so that you can be happily married to her, in spite of her negatives? If there is - are you willing to make the changes for her, the woman she is now? Do you have the desire and capability to accept all of her baggage along with her good qualities - and give her the love and acceptance she needs and deserves -even if she can't give you what you need and deserve? if your answer is no - What would she have to do - what specific changes would she have to make to turn your answers to yes? These are the type of questions you should be asking instead of what she is capable of. Counseling should help you to ask the right questions and find your answers. Counseling for her would be good too, as I said above. But again, you have no control over that. However, you certainly can strongly encourage her to go. 

I wish you both the best.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

BPure said:


> We were struggling because my dog was getting very ill and she was upset over the time I was spending with his upkeep and attention given while I still had him. Her way of 'coping' was tattoos. She still has them all.


So let me get this straight. She's so damned maladjusted that she actually had a problem with you caring for and spending time attending to your sick elderly dog - enough so that she had to go get herself 7 more tattoos to add to the classy ones she was already sporting? 



> She has been in a separate bedroom for 5 years, and there hasn't been any sex in over a year. The son she had when she was 16 has been a constant behavioral issue his whole life, and recently got out of prison on a sex offense charge. I told her we could help him, but that he was not going to live with us. She was very angry and said I was wrong for that. He is almost 30.


Don't offer to support some 30 year old pervert. Let him pay the CONSEQUENCES for his behavior; you don't *reward* him by handing him money and making life easier for him. When he has to work *so hard *to barely scrape by in life, *that *will hopefully give him the incentive NOT to screw up again or he'll lose what little he's accomplished. You'll just make it too easy for him by handing him money and he'll learn *nothing*.

Sadly, your biggest problem is lacking the spine to stand up for your convictions. Instead, you constantly pander to everyone seeking their approval and love and play benefactor to them all.

I'd be letting your wife know she's got 60 days to find herself viable employment because the free ride is over. Seriously. Truer words were never spoken when I say,, it's time to drain the swamp and rid yourself of these toxic people.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You're a lot like myself! Raised by a moral family with great family values.

Your wife's raising was the complete antithesis of yours and you thought that yours could be strong enough for the two of you!

I felt the same way about my RSXW! While she didn't have the tattoos, she was somewhat deviant and defiant in behavior! She was well-heeled, but had deviant law-breaking kids with poor morals living with her and ardently supported their drug habits!

I thought that my family values could change her, but was totally fooled and/or blinded by my love for her!

Like me, you tried to be her proverbial "White Knight," all to no avail. 

If you ever come to fall in love again, please share that love with someone of similar socio-economic values, for to lovingly try to save someone again is truly courting disaster!

I wish you well, my friend!*


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Listen, there are a host of things that you need to understand. 

I am not excusing any of the women in your life for any of their bad behavior. That is on them. 

Brother, your overall problems are all on you, your passivity, your weakness, your nice guyness, your knight in shining armor (KISA) syndrome, man just all of it. 

You have made a host of mistakes in your life, but the above issues that you have, dude, you have to fix this. You have got to wise up, have more self-respect, and frankly, learn how to be a man. 

Your first wife, who is not doubt a POS, probably got bored with you, your passivity, the fact that you probably paid more attention to your dog, than you did to her. 

Not to get off on the dog thing too much, I understand how important animals can be in out life, I get it. 

But dude, it was a ****ING DOG. A dog BTW that you should have put down a long time ago. Your weakness, probably made the dog suffer way more than it should have. Again, immature weakness on your part. You do not let a dog or cat or what the **** else, jeopardize a romantic relationship. 

Can you see that? Yes she has issues, a lot of them. But who has more, who ****ing knows. 

Listen, you can blow off this advice, which you probably will. Cool. 

But if you don't, how do you proceed. Well, first let's all admit that you were a complete moron to marry this woman. You married her for that wrong reasons, at that wrong time in the wrong life time. 

So you need to just admit that this marriage is over, you made a mistake, and you need therapy. 

You need like lumberjack therapy or something. There are so many other things I could say. 

But the first thing you need to do, is find out where you left your balls, probably at your folks house or maybe you ex wife has them... Wherever they are, you need to find them, reattach them, and get to know them again. 

Oh, and one more thing, not that is matters, she is screwing somebody, serious or not serious who knows. 

I really don't know why you would care, because you are not screwing her, so I guess whatever. 

You just need to get out of this debacle, reinvent yourself, learn to respect yourself, learn to be a man...


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Welcome to TAM. We hope we can be of help.


I always worry when my initial thoughts are opposite of the group, because we have some really smart and great people here, most of whom I am generally in agreement with. So maybe I’m way off base today, but I will still give you my take...

Your wife likes body art. You knew that when you married her. It sounds like you had basically only alluded to her a tiny hint of dislike of tattoos by saying that you think her natural skin is beautiful, before she added the post marriage tattoos. If that is the case, you need to be much more clear, and a better communicator. Especially if you intend to hold it against her later. It sounds like she knows clearly now, but that perhaps she didn’t get how strongly you disliked them because you hadn’t really voiced it much to her because you didn’t want to hurt her feelings about the ink she already had. How is this her fault?

It sounds like she was honest with you about her past, but that she didn’t go into every gory detail. It also sounds like you didn’t ask her for lots of details. Not sure why that is her fault. If you needed more details, you should have asked, and talked all that out before you gave her wedding vows. Again, better communication is/was needed. 

She has tried to put that life behind her. It’s been many years. She fell in love with you...a nice, good and decent man. She works very hard. She takes excellent care of your home. She has found a church to try to surround herself with good people. She has changed her style of dress, music and life, all to head in the right direction. Do you believe people can’t change?

Your dog got very ill. This essentially forced your hard working wife out of your marital bedroom so she could sleep. Why would you let that happen? Why wouldn’t you have cared for your beloved pet somewhere else in the house? How do you think this made her feel? Yet she did this for you. Why wouldn’t you have immediately upon your dogs passing said, “I’m so happy that we get to sleep together again now, I have missed you so much.”? Why haven’t you tried harder to get her back into your bedroom?

Also, it sounds like you have ED. I kinda doubt all the blame of that goes to your wife having a past. Have you went to the Dr about this? Have you had your T-levels checked? Your wife sounds like she is very nice and doesn’t want to make you feel bad because of the ED, and she has resigned herself to another bedroom and a toy. 

It also sounds like you suffer from depression and maybe some lack of confidence (manifesting itself in jealousy). These things are also not her fault. What have you been doing this whole time to address these things?
Have you been actively doing all you can to improve yourself?

Lastly, like you I would never move a sex offender in, or help them in any way. From your wife’s standpoint, I can only imagine how hard it would be for your child to be accused of this. She still is a mother, and she still has those instincts toward her child.

So I need you to ask yourself...what are the answers to the questions posed above? If she was here, what would her side of the story sound like?


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I concur wtih Spicy. You already knew about her love for tatoos, as well as about some of her past, and still you married her. It sounds like you never said, "I'm OK with what tatoos you already have but if we are to marry, I don't want you to get any more."

Judging her for her past, when you knew she wasn't anything close to a chaste woman just isn't fair.

It sounds to me that you are disenamored for another reason (your own reason) and you are trying to come up with ways to blame her for it.

You also knew about her son, so you can't hold that against her. You do have the right to set boundaries with him, since he is out of prison.

Is there something else going on with you that you may not want to admit to yourself, or tell us?

(I am not trying to get you to like tatoos. I personally don't like them at all, and wouldn't marry or date anyone who has one...yes, even one. The main reason i wouldn't date anyone with one, is because of the possibliity of their getting more at a later date.)


----------



## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Excellent post @Spicy, I agree with all of it. You put it into words better than I can. 

OP the time to decide this woman was not up to your standards was before you married her. Nothing has changed since she married you except she has added a few new tattoos. 

She is not cheating on you. She is not abusing you. You have ED which is unfortunate. That may be the cause of you feeling "not attracted" to her any more. Don't throw her out with the trash. She is not trash. 

Get help for your ED, work on your marriage. Invite her back to your bedroom. Start trying to be intimate again. Have a heart to heart with her.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

FieryHairedLady said:


> Excellent post @Spicy, I agree with all of it. You put it into words better than I can.
> 
> OP the time to decide this woman was not up to your standards was before you married her. Nothing has changed since she married you except she has added a few new tattoos.
> 
> ...


I agree that Spicy's post is great. Now has he said that he can't get it up or is he just not attracted to her anymore. The ED can be fixed. 

But, the odds of her not cheating on him, even though he kind of deserves it for letting the sex stop as well as the per and spare BR thing, are really about 0%. 

It is not a for sure thing, I mean it is possible. 

Her cheating or not cheating is not the issue. He is the issue. 

Whether he is willing to man up or not. I am kind of guessing that he will continue to be passive and live a life of quiet desperation...


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I'm very similar to your wife. High partner count from promiscuous youth full of sketchy behavior, married when I met my DH, teen mother with 3 kids by the time I turned 25, yadda yadda. Didn't work in a strip club, but was friends with a few people who did,a couple of hookers, and a few porn actors, too. Just letting you know where I'm coming from.

Can I pair bond? Absolutely. I'm so pair bonded to my DH that I often say I imprinted on him like a baby bird or something. That said, before him I wasn't too eager to bond and share intimacy with anyone. I could and did form close friendships and I genuinely cared about many of my lovers as people, but I'd never been "in love" until my husband. I guess the gist of it is that some people just don't pair bond easily. It takes some ...oomph...some intense physical, mental, and emotional chemistry to make that happen. Even though I swear I fell in love with my DH at first sight and can report it was ridiculously intense, I still needed him to demonstrate he felt the same intensity in order to feel safe and secure so that I could fully bond with him. He still had to pursue, woo, and win me. And that doesn't stop with marriage. We've been married nearly 16 years, together nearly 19 years total, and I still need him to regularly do things that show me he values me and that I mean the world to him. I need words of praise, regular touch, and for him to do little things like scrape the ice off my windshield for me before he leaves for work once in a while, you know?

And, yes, sex is part of that. If my husband doesn't regularly demonstrate that he is highly sexually attracted to me and that he very much enjoys our sex life I start to feel very insecure and I detach a bit to protect myself. DH, bless him, always senses this and takes action. This comes into play in a moment.



BPure said:


> After he passed, she never mentioned coming back into 'my' room, and I guess I decided that it was her decision, so I never pressed it.


Can't you see how that might made made her feel rejected? You didn't show her you want her by pursuing her. Your actions told her that you didn't care to share a bedroom and a bed with her. You showed her that you are not safe to bond with because you don't want closeness.



BPure said:


> She has a 'toy' in her room, and I notice how often it is moved, so I know she is not without any sexual drive. I started having trouble being intimate with her because of the problems(marriage) we were having. If I'm bothered by something, sex is just not an option for me physically...it just plays a major role in my ability to 'function'. I don't guess I need to elaborate more than that. She never seemed concerned about finding out why... and she's really never initiated sex. Also during nearly 100% of our sexual history, she has never been very 'hands on'. Never offered oral, or anything 'out of the ordinary'. I doubt the rest of her sexual history was like this, although I imagine she was simply asked by men to do certain things and was then used to get off with afterward. This is all speculation on my part though.


You have to understand that living around certain kinds of people shapes perception. In the world she lived in, a sexually unsatisfied man who wasn't totally captivated physically and emotionally by his partner would to go to the titty bar and do some dirty deeds in the VIP rooms, or go out back in the car with a hooker, get involved with a co-worker, or whatever. The perception is that sexually unsatisfied men will cheat, period.

Now imagine being someone who thinks that a sexually and emotionally unsatisfied man will cheat and hurt you, being married, and your husband isn't asking for sex on the regular. In her mind, you not pursuing her for sex and for sexual acts means that you aren't attracted to her or satisfied with her. After all, other men have wanted her and been turned on by her and they showed it by initiating sex, asking for specific acts, and so on.

Add into that the fact that almost every guy you spend any time with tries to put the moves on you. This is near constant validation. It's the norm. Except the one man who is supposed to make the moves on you, flirt with you, compliment you, etc. just simply isn't. In her mind, that means you don't really want her because you aren't behaving like a male who desires the female he's with.




BPure said:


> I think she loves me, but I don't know if she has, or can possibly really and truly bonded with me. It seems like a true bond would cause you to want to seek out ways to satisfy your mate. I also think if you were bonded, you would never consider making permanent changes to your body that might affect the attraction your mate feels.(the added tattoos). I never told her I didn't like her other, original tattoos, because I thought that would be hurtful, but I know that I mentioned many times that I really preferred her natural skin, unaltered. I guess maybe that wasn't clear enough.


I don't think she is very bonded to you right now, but I think she could be if you demonstrated how much you love, desire, and need her.

Regarding the tattoos..

I have a couple. My husband HATES them. They were from my late teens and weren't well done. I actually want them removed. I am tossing around the idea of leaving the skin alone or having better tattoos replace them. Leaning toward replace. I see where she's coming from. I also see where you're coming from.

My DH and I have been together nearly 2 decades and one of the things that drives me insane and that can cause unnecessary drama is his way of not clearly communicating. He will say something like "I was thinking of maybe going to the range and gym tomorrow, but I..well, maybe. I don't know." and then get upset because I wasn't ready to go to the range and gym. Clear communication, man, crystal clear. It's important. If you never clearly communicated that you didn't like her tattoos and didn't want her to get more or to replace the ones she had removed you should have flat out said so.



BPure said:


> Yes, I'm struggling with past details. She always says she 'can't remember'. Claims to not know her total partner count, but I think she knows.
> 
> She currently just seems to almost laugh it off, so to speak.


My partner count is well in the double digits. I only know this because a friend of mine and I actually wrote down all the names and counted them up back in the day. After that, I was involved with a couple other guys and then met DH. If it wouldn't have been for the clear memory of sitting on a balcony, watching the sun rise, drinking, and writing it all down....well, I'd have no clue. It's been a long time. The memories are foggy. At 43 it's hard to remember what I was doing at 16, 19, or even 23. 

My friend and I were just recently talking about someone we knew back in our youth. I mentioned she'd slept with him and asked if they kept in touch or not. She'd honestly forgot. She said "Nooo. I did NOT sleep with him!" and I replied "Umm, yeah, you did. At X time, Y place, after that party.." She slapped her own forehead and said "Holy hell, I forgot all about that!"

It's very possible she actually doesn't remember.






BPure said:


> I have personal counseling scheduled to start in a week. I did it for myself, to sort out my retroactive jealousy issues. I encouraged her to seek some on her own. She said she will join me if it comes to that, but hasn't looked into any for just her. I think she views this as me being unhappy and needing to work out my own personal hangups. Some of this is true, but there is more. I think she loves me, but I wonder if it is limited to her ability and her life experiences. She doesn't know why the ex-fwb on Facebook bothers me. She also said she'd look into removing 'some' tattoos, but only if I was determined to try to save the marriage, otherwise, she didn't want to remove any of them. I think that sucks, honestly. She's not stepped out and actively done anything to show 'good face'. I'm choosing not to engage any conversations with her on these topics until a talk with a therapist. I don't want to be wrong and make things worse.
> 
> I don't know what I want other than happiness. I love her, but I also feel like I want to divorce her. I fear the differences are too great and likely permanent, but I want to try to make sure before I push things too far.


Counseling is good. You are unhappy and do need to work on you.

Some people are perfectly fine with ex's being friendly or at least catching up here and there on social media. Some people are ok with opposite sex friends, but not ok with ex sex partners as friends. And some are not ok with any opposite sex friends, at all. There is nothing wrong with any of the above views. Her not understanding why you're uncomfortable with her exFWB isn't some kind of boundary issue or moral failing. It's a different way of seeing things. In her mind, she's been there and done that, they were just friends who happened to share sex for a time, and she can't see why you'd have a problem. You need to clearly explain why to her in a way that she can grasp.

I think it's fair that she doesn't want to remove any tattoos for a man who might not be there later. I can't blame her for that. Tattoos have meaning, they can be costly, and there is some pain involved. Why remove them solely for her husband if a divorce is likely? Honestly, a lot of people wouldn't remove any at all. They'd say love me as I am for who I am.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

You dont want to be married to her anymore. But you want to be the good guy and not the bad guy.

So you're using her past as your get out of jail free card.

It's really that simple.

YEAH...IT IS.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> This study published by researchers at Brigham Young University suggests that each additional past sexual partner reduces the quality of their married sex life, the level of communication with their spouse and the stability of their relationship.
> I have some serious reservations about the quality of the research that produced these results, by the way, and no one should take this evidence at face value. But the results are consistent, at least, with the theory that people who have had many sexual partners have found love on a more limited marriage market than those who have had few sexual partners in the past.
> Having said all this, I wouldn’t spend too much time worrying about how my past sexual decisions have affected the size of my, personal, marriage market. But that’s because I have no interest in dating a man who thinks that my sexual history defines who I am; my market is already limited to the (approximately) one in four men who aren’t bothered by how many partners their girlfriend has slept with in the past.
> That’s because to me, just like my political views, it’s not any area of my life I would be willing to change just to conform to the demands of the market.
> https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dollars-and-sex/201308/too-many-lovers-too-little-love


Of course she would have issues with the study. I would, too, if I was her. 

From what I am reading, masturbation will also cause one to be less susceptible to pair bonding. Though, it is good to agree to short periods of abstinence as long as both agree, neither has a right to reject the other when both are healthy. In fact, it is a leading cause of losing that pair bond.


----------



## BPure (Nov 25, 2018)

no


----------



## BPure (Nov 25, 2018)

no


----------



## BPure (Nov 25, 2018)

no


----------



## BPure (Nov 25, 2018)

no


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BPure said:


> Are there things I can do to better our relationship??


A good place to start if you want to work on your marriage is by reading the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read each of the books in that order and do the work that they lay out. If you can get your wife to read them and do the work with you, so much the better.


----------



## BPure (Nov 25, 2018)

no


----------



## BPure (Nov 25, 2018)

no


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Her view of past lovers and yours are starkly different. I’m guessing she doesn’t care or think about them much at all. Maybe not even ever. I’m guessing she also didn’t think much about having him on her FB friends. I never look at my list. I don’t even think about it unless someone is hitting on me then I immediately block them.

I was like you, had only ever been with my first husband, and I view sex and marriage very seriously. My second hubby had A LOT of former partners, and viewed sex as casual and practically meaningless. Can I understand that? Sort of...I intellectually get it, but my core as a person does not. I’m morally opposed to causal sex. That’s who I am. That is not who he was before me though. 

Because we are different, sometimes his former casual history bothers me too. I looked at his FB list a couple of years ago, asking who some of the women were. There were many ex’s on there. I asked him why, and he literally said he has never went and looked at it, that he has no contact or attachement to any of them and I believe him. 

I told him it bothered me for him to have them as friends on social media. He went in and removed them, just as your wife did. Why would I now still be complaining about it if he fixed it when I asked? Why are you? What more would you have her do? Travel back in time and not send the friend request a decade ago?? She did the only thing she can do, now that she knows. 

Just because you and I automatically think it’s inappropriate, doesn’t mean everyone else does. Once my husband realized it bothered me, the loving thing to do was remove them. So he did. Your wife did too. Our spouses are not mind readers. Even if something seems obvious to us, it might not be to them. This is where strong communication is key. Even from hearing only your side of the story, it is clear to me that you need massive improvement in this area.

You sound like you want her to be just like you. To have your same standpoint and opinions on things. She doesn’t. You picked her though, and from everything you have written, she sounds like she has tried to do what you want, and that she is a good wife to you, in spite of your lack of good, clear communication, and even picking the dog over her. I can’t even imagine how hurt she is inside over that. That being said from a HUGE animal lover.

My advice...stop harping on the past, and this stupid FB thing. She took care of it. It’s over. Leave it alone. You seriously need to work on your communication, and your relationship with your wife if you want to save this at all. Look deep within yourself, think more about what YOU can do to improve your marriage, instead of focusing on the silly things you don’t like about her past. She’s made a lot of changes for the better since she has been with you. What have you done to become a better person since she has known you?? How have you improved as a husband?? How would she answer?

Court your wife. Love her, cherish her. Get her back in your bed. Take the initiative and make the effort to improve YOU for her. Go to the DR. Get your sex drive back. Be the man she wants and desires. Dress nice. Workout. Romance her. BE A GREAT HUSBAND and then stand back and watch the results.

If you refuse to let her past stay in the past, and you are going to continue to complain about things she has already fixed, by all means, divorce her. Set her free. She deserves way better.


----------



## BPure (Nov 25, 2018)

no


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

BPure said:


> This is starting to create another sensitive spot inside of me, but I'm trying to let it lie for now. Thus, once again, my first question...does she have it within her to 'fight for a marriage' or will she just sit and let it self destruct because it ultimately, like times before, doesn't matter? IDK**


Here's the thing: You should be examining your "sensitive spot" rather than ignoring it. As far as whether or not your wife wants to fight for the marriage, I'm afraid nobody here can answer that since we don't know the woman. If YOU don't even know where her head is at, we most assuredly don't either.

Tell her you want her to go to counseling - as in marriage counseling - with you. And I mean TELL, not ASK. Look, your marriage is at stake here, no time to be a wimp about counseling. See how she reacts/responds. That should give you a pretty good idea of where she stands.


----------



## BPure (Nov 25, 2018)

no


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

> Sadly, I do find myself thinking of love. Although I do love her, I wonder often about love with someone who didn't come with so much negativity.


I bet she wonders the same.

Shall I presume my sets of questions hit a little to close to home to answer?


----------



## BPure (Nov 25, 2018)

no


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

"My advice...stop harping on the past, and this stupid FB thing. She took care of it. It’s over. Leave it alone. You seriously need to work on your communication, and your relationship with your wife if you want to save this at all. Look deep within yourself, think more about what YOU can do to improve your marriage, instead of focusing on the silly things you don’t like about her past. She’s made a lot of changes for the better since she has been with you. What have you done to become a better person since she has known you?? How have you improved as a husband?? How would she answer?"

Read this closely


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Spicy said:


> > Sadly, I do find myself thinking of love. Although I do love her, I wonder often about love with someone who didn't come with so much negativity.
> 
> 
> I bet she wonders the same.
> ...


Probably. My post was completely ignored as well.


----------



## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

* Bpure
She has been in a separate bedroom for 5 years, and there hasn't been any sex in over a year.*

Spicey has the best advice.

In regards to what I bolded, if you keep this up she won't want to be with you and maybe even now she doesn't want to be with you. I am on another forum and I could see your current w on that other forum saying how disconnected and unappreciated she feels.

What I see in you is someone that didn't get all of the facts before marriage and now you have "buyer's remorse." That is unfair to your W.

I also see a high level of incompatibility and the fact women like your ernerally like the guy to be the take charge type. You call it "men miss leading the woman." Well some women want the guy to be in-charge and lead because it allows them to not be in charge of most things and it gives her an open excuse to blame you or at least complain a bit. She does her part and wants you to be the leader.

It is going to take a lot of changes for you to be in-charge of this marriage and you better make the right choices or this marriage is toast.

People have different perspectives about sexuality. To some it is the excitement and connection they feel and purity is minimally important. To others it is about purity and faithfulness. Decide what works for you.

Her past can't be changed. Intellectually what is in the future should be the most important factor in determining if she can or will be faithful to only you. But I know the mind doesn't work like that, the past makes many people doubt about the future and ho an individual views sexuality.

I notice you agree with most posts but say something different related to your current feelings or why something is different from your values. I think you are going have to decide soon which side of the fence you want to be on in the future.

Anyway, in most no sex relationships people find someone who will pay attention to them and most likely have an EA or a PA. Don't expect to be married very long the way things are now. Getting a sexual connection to restart is usually very difficult.

Read the following thread about sex starved W..https://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html


----------



## BPure (Nov 25, 2018)

no


----------



## BPure (Nov 25, 2018)

no


----------



## BPure (Nov 25, 2018)

no


----------



## BPure (Nov 25, 2018)

no


----------



## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Well I see you quoted me, but I missed it cause it is deleted now.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Handy said:


> *
> I also see a high level of incompatibility and the fact women like your generally like the guy to be the take charge type. You call it "men miss leading the woman." Well some women want the guy to be in-charge and lead because it allows them to not be in charge of most things and it gives her an open excuse to blame you or at least complain a bit. She does her part and wants you to be the leader.*


*

I must disagree with the bolded. Many women who want a man to take charge in the bedroom and/or elsewhere don't want to abdicate responsibility or have someone to blame. They want their man to take charge because it makes them feel secure, safe (emotionally and physically), loved, wanted, desired, and protected.*


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I assume since all of the OP's original posts have been erased and the only word I see today is "no" that he won't be returning.

Too bad. I thought he received some good advice and a constructive dialogue was resulting. But as I've said many times before, denial is a powerful thing.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

He wanted an out that put all the problem on his wife.

Hes been on several forums.

He just needs to divorce for both their sakes.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Bobert has a lot on his plate. 

A week and a half ago he thought his wife was in a blue mood and that if he was supportive and loving enough and did the dishes promptly and gave her a good foot rub at the end of the day that she would snap out of it. 

Since that time he has discovered she is involved with another man to one degree or another and that there may be a possibility that she had a previous affair that resulted in the birth of a child that he has been raising. 

That is what we are aware of at the moment, Lord only knows what else is being turned up as this is being played out. 

I suspect that Bobert has spent years diverting the Negative Ion Suspicion Stream from the Reality Reactor Core into the Forward Denial Deflector Shields (yes I am that much of a geek) and has been trying to live blissfully with all his energies going into denial and now the shields are starting to crack and the realities of his situation are starting to seep through. 

That is some pretty heavy stuff. 

I hope he does come back and updates us but I also understand if he has more pressing issues on his hands than to keep in touch with strangers on an internet forum.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Bpure...you can say no all you want but it won't get you any closer to resolution....there comes a point when this is too much and you need to move on...apparently now is not the point.


----------

