# Should I expose the affair?



## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

I have lost a lot of credibility within my unit now since my wife is located with everyone and I am away at a remote location. Her friends either accepted that he was "just a friend" or they saw how close they were and how long they hung around each other and didn't say a word.

She is a firestorm and so is her family and while we are both away they currently occupy my house which kinda scares me. I have tried for weeks to send messages to people but I stop at the last minute.

I found the Facebook page of the OM's significant other...with pictures of all their children. As more information rolls out I find that both my WW and the OM are serial cheaters and it seems to be motivated by sex.


Divorce is happening no matter what. The reason I hesitate to expose the cheating is because we return from deployment very soon and until the divorce I am letting her stay in the house with her family...all my stuff is already moved out. I fear that exposing the affair now will only make me look worse than she has already made me look. Not to mention that I am flying back on the same flight as her...

I should also say that the few friends I still have in the unit are trying to help in any way possible. One of them is working on a remote installation keylogger so I can try to catch more lies. She said it was only an EA but...lets just say that she fits the whole "gas-lighting, trickle truth, and blame shift" thing I keep seeing. Do I wait to see what is in her email or Facebook? I already know that there was plenty in there I didn't like and that was only in the first month of deployment.


I know I have posted before and if I seem disjointed or like I am leaving anything out I am sorry...but this deployment has really sucked the life out of me by itself...add the EA in there and I don't have anything left. I am trying to keep my mood up but all I can think about is getting home and just disappearing. All I see now is everyone getting posts that they are going to party when they get back, or safe wishes, and many other things...but I have been shut out by almost everyone which is making this harder. It is like she cheated and everyone went with her...


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are here. OK I am hearing your reasons for non exposure, are there kids? Are your parents close by?

My rule of thumb is always expose not matter if you plan a D or R.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your logic is completely backwards. But I will let others expound.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Want2babettrme (May 17, 2013)

huebnem said:


> I have lost a lot of credibility within my unit now since my wife is located with everyone and I am away at a remote location. Her friends either accepted that he was "just a friend" or they saw how close they were and how long they hung around each other and didn't say a word.
> 
> She is a firestorm and so is her family and while we are both away they currently occupy my house which kinda scares me. I have tried for weeks to send messages to people but I stop at the last minute.
> 
> ...


You stated in one of your posts that you have a screenshot of a facebook conversation where she admits to an EA. You can find a suggested text for an exposure letter here on Talk About Marriage. Modify it to your situation, attach the screenshot and send it out. Maybe say something to the effect that you want to make it clear that you were faithful to the marriage, your spouse was the cheater and that is the reason the marriage is ending. If there's a chance you would consider working on the marriage if she came around you can ask friends and family to talk some sense into her. Since there are children involved, point out that co-parenting requires that exes deal with each other in a civil manner. 

Definitely send a copy to OM's significant other. Also his and her unit commander. Cheating has consequences and impacts the combat readiness of the fighting unit. The WW and her OM should have the opportunity to reap the fruits of their actions.


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

mahike said:


> Sorry you are here. OK I am hearing your reasons for non exposure, are there kids? Are your parents close by?
> 
> My rule of thumb is always expose not matter if you plan a D or R.


Yes, my WW has a child from a previous marriage...and the OM has 4 children I believe. My parents live in WI and my house is in GA. They already took a trip down there to move all my possessions out of the house which made the WW and her family FURIOUS!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

So what is there problem are they as crazy as her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

Want2babettrme said:


> You stated in one of your posts that you have a screenshot of a facebook conversation where she admits to an EA. You can find a suggested text for an exposure letter here on Talk About Marriage. Modify it to your situation, attach the screenshot and send it out. Maybe say something to the effect that you want to make it clear that you were faithful to the marriage, your spouse was the cheater and that is the reason the marriage is ending. If there's a chance you would consider working on the marriage if she came around you can ask friends and family to talk some sense into her. Since there are children involved, point out that co-parenting requires that exes deal with each other in a civil manner.
> 
> Definitely send a copy to OM's significant other. Also his and her unit commander. Cheating has consequences and impacts the combat readiness of the fighting unit. The WW and her OM should have the opportunity to reap the fruits of their actions.



Thank you I am working on a letter. I won't consider repairing the marriage anymore. She already ruined my reputation by accusing ME of cheating too.

I know that the units would crack down on a cheater however it has to be admitted sex. While I do have screenshots of admissions it is only her telling me that it was an EA...so I am unsure if I should move forward in that area yet.


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

tom67 said:


> So what is there problem are they as crazy as her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Oh boy...ummm...my mom never swore until my WW's mom contacted her. My mom went from devoted Lutheran to Satan and told me that I needed to divorce and run...

They...have a few issues...


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

huebnem said:


> Thank you I am working on a letter. I won't consider repairing the marriage anymore. She already ruined my reputation by accusing ME of cheating too.
> 
> I know that the units would crack down on a cheater however it has to be admitted sex. While I do have screenshots of admissions it is only her telling me that it was an EA...so I am unsure if I should move forward in that area yet.


Yeah, for the military to do anything about the adultery, they would have to literally be caught having sex with one another, or at least the equivalent captured on video or admitted through documents.
Of course it couldn't hurt to still tell their CO, because it would put them on the radar & if they were to slip up, the CO would already be aware of what they've been up to. 

What are you doing about the house?
I ask because if she & her family are that nuts, I wouldn't out it past them to damage the house or at least stop paying the mortgage, which of course would hurt you as well.


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

Phenix70 said:


> Yeah, for the military to do anything about the adultery, they would have to literally be caught having sex with one another, or at least the equivalent captured on video or admitted through documents.
> Of course it couldn't hurt to still tell their CO, because it would put them on the radar & if they were to slip up, the CO would already be aware of what they've been up to.
> 
> What are you doing about the house?
> I ask because if she & her family are that nuts, I wouldn't out it past them to damage the house or at least stop paying the mortgage, which of course would hurt you as well.



I will be alerting the units no matter what but I want to see if I can get more evidence first. 

I alerted my lawyer about the house. I am going to have a neighbor keep a close watch, they never liked my wife anyways. Honestly, I have great insurance through my family and any damaged caused on her part would just be a final nail in the coffin for her. I control the mortgage payments...she thinks she does but she is pretty much oblivious to my financial controls now. I always let her control the funds before because she wanted to and she thinks I am a complete moron when it comes to bills...her words actually. I am not...engineering school sucked but if anything I MATH GOOD!!!!!


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

The reason for exposure in general is to end an affair and see if the marriage can be saved. It should not be an in your face thing.

To expose her to your command should really only be done if she has affected your status and chance for promotion. I don't think this is a good idea.

Exposure should be focused on those who can make a difference but in doing so you may be hurting your own chances of gathering evidence although it may not be needed if you are in a no fault state.

Exposure to the OM wife, may be an advantage. He may throw your wife under the bus to save his own ass and admit to x and y. This may help you and the BS should have the right to know.

You may want to expose to her family but they will not ally with you and may try to harm you so I think just extricating yourself from that situation would be best.

Thank you for your service! I am sorry you are here. Good luck and God Bless!


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> The reason for exposure in general is to end an affair and see if the marriage can be saved. It should not be an in your face thing.
> 
> To expose her to your command should really only be done if she has affected your status and chance for promotion. I don't think this is a good idea.
> 
> ...


I know it isn't supposed to be for revenge and honestly it isn't. It is because he is in a leadership position and she is about to be. I am sorry but when you are leading troops you need to be at your best. My NCO said that he will get them if I don't.

But like I said I am waiting on exposure. If it stays as only an EA then I might not expose what happened. However, if it got physical I will blast it out there...don't do it if you don't understand the consequences of getting busted.


And thank you I am glad to serve. Don't be sorry I am here...the way I see it I could have it much worse...


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## hartlvxmp (Sep 13, 2013)

My rule of thumb is always expose not matter if you plan a D or R.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You said that you are having someone remotely install a key logger on her computer. Are you aware that this is very illegal. 

IF you are lucky enough to not get caught, you still cannot use anything you get off her computer as evidence.


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You said that you are having someone remotely install a key logger on her computer. Are you aware that this is very illegal.
> 
> IF you are lucky enough to not get caught, you still cannot use anything you get off her computer as evidence.



Oh I know that. I am debating using the keylogger still but its an option for me.

I will just say that it isn't for legal purposes its for me. And given that I have electronic evidence that she used her computer to hack mine twice I am not worried. I already have enough on her to give her a bad time but she still is on what I consider a "power trip" because she has the backing of friends.

I already exposed the affair to 3 of her friends and that got an immediate reaction from them in my favor. However, with her attitude and the backing she has from friends I am willing to risk a keylogger to make her back down is sit.

The way things are I may get the house...but she has the power and the networking to ruin me even more than she has. Yeah it sounds like I am playing dirty but I still have another year in this unit and all my other moves have me working with the people she knows. I tried being reasonable a long time ago and got burned...adding more pressure has helped a little but she isn't going to understand things unless she has a howitzer pointed at her.


She values herself and her career too much and will fold if that is risked. I ran the keylogger idea past my lawyer, 2 JAG Full Birds, and a CID agent too and the potential risk is worth the reward to me. I just wished she put that much value on her daughter...after more digging I found that during the times where she was having "friends" come over to "entertain" her...one of them may have taken a "liking" to her 2 year old daughter. That made my blood boil...


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

I dont know what unit you are in or the general attitude of command but contacting them will definitely put an end to their affair. There won't be any formal adultery charges but they can forceably put an end to any contact between the two of them. An allegation is enough for his CO to put him in the barracks so his comings and goings will be logged. 

I've seen command do some inventive things to snuff out smoke without finding any fire. The longer you try to manage this situation the more liability you suffer. Whoever involves command first is the victim. You are playing with fire by leaving yourself exposed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

JadedHusband said:


> I dont know what unit you are in or the general attitude of command but contacting them will definitely put an end to their affair. There won't be any formal adultery charges but they can forceably put an end to any contact between the two of them. An allegation is enough for his CO to put him in the barracks so his comings and goings will be logged.
> 
> I've seen command do some inventive things to snuff out smoke without finding any fire. The longer you try to manage this situation the more liability you suffer. Whoever involves command first is the victim. You are playing with fire by leaving yourself exposed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I actually spoke to my platoon leader today about this. Apparently command was already aware that something might have been going on a while back so they moved her to a different base. I don't think their actions took much effect but I am not entirely sure.

I am contacting them though. My PL said that he supports me and so does a lot of the rank in the unit...which makes me feel better about the situation. Also it seems that I contacted JAG first...all she did was talk to her best friend who also happens to be legal in our unit...but she is only a SPC and I talked to some bigger fish.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You said that you are having someone remotely install a key logger on her computer. Are you aware that this is very illegal.
> 
> IF you are lucky enough to not get caught, you still cannot use anything you get off her computer as evidence.


Although not recommended, it might not be illegal. If it is a shared computer and considered property of the marriage than he has every right to place whatever software he wants on there. If he asks some else to do it, this would be no different than getting the Geek Squad to put software on your computer. If it is a work computer then that is a different issue entirely. Also proving what is admissible and what is not or for lawyers to debate and decide. They would have to prove that he was not sent this from a third party. It would then possibly be heresay and thrown ouot, but then again..... It all boils down to whom has the better lawyers and arguments. I would take the chance.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Can you get a friend into your house to videotape the condition? You don't want her to trash it before moving out, leaving you with the bills. She'll claim it was damaged before you two split up.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How are things going?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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