# 6 mos. into recovery, more betrayal



## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

Last time I wrote things were going really well - it's been almost 7 months since the A ended and we started couples therapy. The relationship seemed to be going great. Unfortunately that has changed.

I have been in individual therapy to try to let go of the paranoia and hypervigilance I've clung to since the trauma of the A. Well, Monday I was giving in to a typical impulse, to check my partner's email. Usually I just ask him to show it to me and he does but I guessed the password and was checking it on my own. I found emails between him and a woman about meeting up, from about a year ago. 

I confronted him and he admitted that prior to the one night stand and three month A I already knew about, there was another brief relationship, with this woman. They hung out a half dozen times in a month and got "touchy feely" but not fully intimate on two occasions. 

He says he forgot about it for a long time and that's why he didn't tell me. I know that sounds ridiculous, believe me, but he has severe ADHD and a terrible memory normally, and under times of stress it gets way worse. He's forgotten a lot of things before although not quite on this scale. One of my questions is whether this level of forgetting is actually possible or if it is more like repression, or if he is just bsing me. 

Either way he was reminded of it a few months ago when she left him a facebook comment, and he said he's wanted to tell me since then, but was too scared of what would happen if he did.

The big problem is that all along, I've believed that the cheating was partially a result of serious financial stress in our relationship. But this new A happened before the financial stress. Now there is no logical reason for the cheating. I am starting to feel like instead of someone having a mental breakdown due to stress and acting out, he is just another serial cheater and is now continuing to hide things from me.

He is a total wreck right now and we are seeing the couples counselor today to talk about it. My first impulse was to just leave immediately, pack my stuff and get a hotel room and just get OUT of our house. I don't want to be rash so I am giving it time. But I can't be in a relationship with someone who continues to hide things, regardless of whether there are legitimate mental health issues contributing to it. He swears he will start individual therapy and work on these issues but I am just not sure if he is capable of being in an honest and open relationship; if he is able to repress his own memories and essentially lie to himself how is he going to be honest with me?

Is it worth continuing or is this a sign I should walk away for real?


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

NightOwl said:


> He is a total wreck right now and we are seeing the couples counselor today to talk about it. My first impulse was to just leave immediately, pack my stuff and get a hotel room and just get OUT of our house.


That would probably be my reaction too. Discovering betrayal is hard enough and you have done your best to understand it so being blind-sided by another indiscretion is a huge setback because it 'undoes' any understanding you have come to at this point.


NightOwl said:


> But I can't be in a relationship with someone who continues to hide things, regardless of whether there are legitimate mental health issues contributing to it. He swears he will start individual therapy and work on these issues but I am just not sure if he is capable of being in an honest and open relationship; if he is able to repress his own memories and essentially lie to himself how is he going to be honest with me?
> 
> Is it worth continuing or is this a sign I should walk away for real?


Only you can decide what to do in the end but I would be feeling exactly the same way. Even if his 'forgetting' the affairs is legitimate (sorry I am skeptical), when he was making the choice to step out of your marriage he did so of his own free will. My concern would be more focused on why he so easily gives into these temptations and whether a monogamous marriage is even something he can uphold.

If I were you, that's what I would focus on...call him to the carpet and have him answer the hard questions. I would not let the ADHD come into play in the areas where it does not apply...ie temptation and self-control. If he honestly cannot control his urges I would not be able to stay in the marriage.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ask him to take a polygraph.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Is it worth continuing or is this a sign I should walk away for real?


First things first - I would never advise walking away. That should be the very last thing you do after you have exhausted every other avenue. My approach is always on the side of marriage. So I won't go that direction here at all.

You ask 'is this BS?' I say, yes it is. 

First - I see no reason why either you or your spouse should have a secret email account, ever. That in itself is a 'first sign' of danger. A red flag. In a good relationship, openness and honesty play a huge role, and especially after an instance where trust has been broken, it must be earned back, over time (sometimes it can take a long time - each person is different.) 

Nor is vigilance, or 'paranoia' (it isn't really paranoia, is it!  ) 'wrong' When you've gone through something traumatic, it affects you. And you react with good reason (self preservation, if nothing else...) You found out something that you might not have learned had you NOT been vigilant. 

In any event - don't allow the ADHD excuse to be used. This is not something that can be simply forgotten like a trivia fact, or something short term. He didn't 'forget' - he _withheld the facts_ in hopes that he could slide by with less trouble. 

Moreover - he knew about this several months ago - and 'was afraid' to tell you? _Are you such a monster? _

I am not entirely familiar with your situation - I am simply going with what I've read here. (I'm going to read over it after I post this.) You mentioned that you believed that the cheating was due to serious financial stress. I'll bet he agreed with you - 'Yes, that's it! That's the one!' 

You are right, it definitely wasn't the financial stress - although stress certainly can create an environment where bad things can happen. But you also wrote: "...I've believed that the cheating was partially a result of serious financial stress in our relationship..." Here you used the word 'partially' - meaning that you can see other areas where problems exist. You then write that there's 'no logical reason for cheating.' Just to call you on that one (and to free you from the trap of feeling hopeless in facing this: since the financial stress was only 'partially' the cause, this means there are other causes as well - which negates the 'no logical' reason - the logical reason would involve those other reasons.

I'll be it it does feel like a breakdown! Breakdowns occur because people run out of resources - they suddenly see no path to follow. And if you trapped yourself into thinking it was the financial stress - and all of the sudden that falls by the way - you may feel almost hopeless! But there IS hope!

In working out your situation with your spouse, have you tried the emotional needs questionnaires from Marriage Builders? If you haven't they might give you some insight into what other causes might be behind your husband's infidelity. On our website we have a much more in-depth questionnaire that is designed to create a great deal more discussion - you might want to try it with your husband.

My guess is that somewhere in the marriage there is something missing that you probably could provide - if your husband could state it clearly. 

Again, I am not up to date on your entire situation (I really should have researched a bit more before posting!) so if I am being redundant, please accept my apology!

Finally - regarding your husband's behavior: it seems to me, from what I have read, that he feels somewhat intimidated by you. Quite possibly for no reason whatsoever - but it seems to me that he is more willing to agree with you (regardless of actual facts) rather than rock the boat and step out to reveal his true self to you. He is more willing to only give the bare necessary information to move from point 'A' to point 'B' - with a minimum of risk. It often works to simply make the statement ahead of time, when some difficult conversation is about to take place - that he is safer with you than anywhere else on the planet, and that you will not react out of anger (or any other negative) no matter what he tells you. If he DOES say something that is so wrong you need to react - first thank him for telling you, then let him know you need some time to process the information and you need to be alone to do it. Then - get by yourself and experience the emotion, and then go back to him calm and ready to discuss options.

Just off-hand observations. Off to do research....

----------------
Now playing: Rod Stewart - Nevertheless (Feat. Dave Koz)
via FoxyTunes


----------



## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

I too found out more a few months into recovery mode. Of course it was only the stuff I found or asked about directly that he further confessed to. Nothing that he volunteered or brought to the table.

I will wonder for the rest of my life if there is more that my H hasn't told. Let me rephrase: I will assume for the rest of my life there is more.

I know enough to now understand the 'kind' of person I'm married to. The ball is in my court. What kind of person do I want to be? Can I be the kind of person married to HIS kind? 

That's the only way to look at it. There is nothing to prove to anyone else but myself. 

My solution? I'm simply not answering that question right now. Maybe someday the answer will be perfectly clear to me. IF he wasn't working so hard to put our relationship back together with kindness, my answer would be easier. But it is clear that he is trying to move forward with me, and so I'm simply holding off on answering - to myself.

Its very difficult separating what you think society would expect you to do, and what you actually want to do. Don't rush it. Take your time and hopefully (for your sake and mine) someday the 'final' answer will be as clear as day.

Good luck. I'm sorry for your pain.


----------



## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

Tanelornpete said:


> My guess is that somewhere in the marriage there is something missing that you probably could provide - if your husband could state it clearly.


One thing we talked about is his inability to correctly identify his own needs. Looking at his emails, it is clear that he needs a lot of validation from other people to feel secure, and he acknowledged this when I pointed it out to him - but it's not something he was able to see on his own. This is something he wants to address in therapy, along with his inability to recognize social boundaries, which helped make him vulnerable to infidelity. The lack of self awareness is a big obstacle, and I don't think we realized how big until now.



Tanelornpete said:


> Finally - regarding your husband's behavior: it seems to me, from what I have read, that he feels somewhat intimidated by you. Quite possibly for no reason whatsoever - but it seems to me that he is more willing to agree with you (regardless of actual facts) rather than rock the boat and step out to reveal his true self to you. It often works to simply make the statement ahead of time, when some difficult conversation is about to take place - that he is safer with you than anywhere else on the planet, and that you will not react out of anger (or any other negative) no matter what he tells you.


This is another thing we've been trying to address - he feels like because he grew up in a trailer park and did not finish college, and I grew up middle class, graduated top of my class and am now going to pursue a Ph.D., that there is a risk I will decide I'm too good for him. 

He admits now that he has been "living scared" - scared of losing his job, losing me. I really think a change in this attitude has to come from him. I have tried to let him know that our relationship is a "safe space" where no topics are off limits, and I have demonstrated that I don't react with anger but usually with numbness and then compassion. He *shouldn't* be scared to talk to me, but he is, and he needs to work on that.



stillINshock said:


> I know enough to now understand the 'kind' of person I'm married to. The ball is in my court. What kind of person do I want to be? Can I be the kind of person married to HIS kind?


This is a good point...I think in theory I want to be independent and "strong" whatever that means, but in reality - I want companionship, I want support, I want someone to share my life with who just "gets it." And my partner does understand me, even if he doesn't understand himself. I am a very forgiving and loyal person when I have a bond with someone. I get invested in the well being of the people close to me and I have a hard time turning my back on someone who is willing to get help and make changes. 

Part of me feels like I am not living up to some ideal of "not taking sh*t from anyone" and I feel kind of ashamed, because I know I deserve better treatment. But I just can't imagine finding someone else who is on my wavelength as much as my partner. I am scared of being alone and don't want my own fear to drive my behavior, to allow me to accept treatment I shouldn't. 

I do feel more hopeless and directionless than I have in a while. I/we have to move for grad school in four months and part of me thinks I should go alone. And as soon as I think that I think of being miserable in some studio apartment by myself and I just can't imagine doing it. He has a genuine will to change, I just don't want to be a sucker clinging to false hope if he's not actually *able* to change.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> He has a genuine will to change, I just don't want to be a sucker clinging to false hope if he's not actually *able* to change.


Just wanted to point out one thing here - it's not that he may not be actually _able_ to change - its that he _won't_ change. And that ability to make rational decisions works in your favor - because it could be that if he realizes what he is losing, he may suddenly find incentive to change. 

My guess is that up to now, although things scare him, it hasn't been enough of a threat to cause him to seriously examine his behavior. People tend to modify their behavior just enough to get to the next level - to get things back to a smooth ride. This COULD be enough change for things to go well - but then it also can (as in your case) be only enough to get to the next hurdle.

What he needs is the incentive to make some drastic changes. 

As for his insecurity around you because he grew up in a trailer park, you got the education, etc.: that's all in the past. What matters is who he is right now. As long as he has things in his past to blame he won't take responsibility for his own actions - he will always be letting something else - a trailer park (?) be responsible for why he lies to you. To me, that's BS in the biggest way. He can go back to school if he thinks that would help. HE is looking for ways to blame other things so that he can continue doing what he does. 

He may fear that you may feel you are 'too good' for him - but how does lying about past indiscretions change that? That's a thing he needs to work out with you. It is also up to you, is it not? Isn't that your decision, not his? He is assuming things about you, and then acting on that assumption. It is simply another way of bypassing reality in order to keep up with his old behavior problems. I don't have all the facts, but my guess is that it's a game he is so used to playing that its a deeply embedded habit that may be very hard to change.

But habits can be broken and replaced with better things.


----------



## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

Tanelornpete said:


> My guess is that up to now, although things scare him, it hasn't been enough of a threat to cause him to seriously examine his behavior. People tend to modify their behavior just enough to get to the next level - to get things back to a smooth ride. This COULD be enough change for things to go well - but then it also can (as in your case) be only enough to get to the next hurdle.
> 
> What he needs is the incentive to make some drastic changes.
> 
> ...


I mentioned this feedback to him and he agreed that it was spot on. The infidelity caused us to dig beneath the surface of our relationship more than we ever had, and we thought we'd hit bedrock, but we were wrong. I think because we're reasonably articulate and self aware, our therapist took things on face value in terms of what issues we thought were important. But there was a lot more we didn't know about. 

In terms of his issues, getting on ADHD medication went a LONG way, but not far enough. Far enough to fool both of us though, that all we were dealing with was working on time management and minor communication issues. He describes it as, if he was 200 miles away from "normal" to start out, he is 100 miles closer now, but still 100 miles away!

If there weren't hundreds of saved chat logs between my partner and other people talking about our relationship, we might not have known as much as we do now about his insecurity issues, his anger, low self esteem, etc. because he doesn't even remember saying half the stuff that he did. If I wasn't a researcher by trade I don't know if I'd ever have thought to look in those logs. So I guess I am just glad in a way there's a record of his mental state to refer to.

He is jumping head first into drastic change...he has been in a frenzy of life overhaul this week. But he is planning it out systematically to prove it's not an ADHD compulsion - he is selling all the useless crap he accumulated compulsively at the height of the ADHD madness, he is getting help with his taxes instead of being stubborn and doing it himself, he is buying books to study for certificate tests to help him find a better job, he's cleaning his office at work and his workroom in our house, and most importantly he has scheduled weekly therapy.

For now I am taking it one day at a time - I vacillate between compassion and intense anger, but I feel like I am in it for the long haul. And I know this has been a huge kick in the ass for him to change both his thoughts and behaviors - about himself, us, life in general. We'll see if it's enough I guess.


----------

