# Holidays and resentment



## Wolf1974

So for this year I don't have my kids for Thanksgiving. To say the least this build a lot of resentment in me. For thanksgiving I will be with my GF and her family and friends. Everyone there will have thier kids except me. And it really is starting to bother me and I have considered not going. I don't blame my x for wanting her time just sucks that this is so beyond my control and I can't be with them.


I was just wondering how some of you deal with the resentment around the holidays. The rest of the year I am fine...I like my single guy time. But holidays blow when I can't be with my kiddos. I feel like I am being cheated out of time with them. Those who feel like me or who have longer experience with this how do you cope?


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## CantePe

Distractions, I have childhood baggage for Christmas time. I have children of my own and it has been difficult over the years but I've learned from my own kids (I'm not divorced though, but am a BS) that just letting it take over and have a life of its own is distraction enough. I still hate decorating, that's my hardest part. It can be a trigger for that childhood baggage and resentment. I take it one moment at a time to be honest and self talk myself out of the funk it causes. If a negative thought pops in I slam and drown it with positives. Doesn't always work but for the most part it lessens the resentment and heaviness of the baggage enough to stay as positive as I can.

I also will allow myself to feel those negatives for a set amount of time and then put it aside and focus on the positives instead.


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## Holland

We all get together for celebrations but yeah we are not the norm.

This Christmas it will be me, Mr H, both our ex's, all our combined kids and some other family members. That way everyone spends the time with their kids. 

Lol would be a living nightmare for some but it works for us


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## daddymikey1975

*Re: Re: Holidays and resentment*



Holland said:


> We all get together for celebrations but yeah we are not the norm.
> 
> This Christmas it will be me, Mr H, both our ex's, all our combined kids and some other family members. That way everyone spends the time with their kids.
> 
> Lol would be a living nightmare for some but it works for us


I've never heard of doing anything like that before. Might hafta give it some thought for next year. 


OP, 
I had my kids for thanksgiving last year. This year it's her turn. I am doing thanksgiving with my kids the weekend before so we can still be together. 

For christmas, she always gets them for christmas eve and I get them Christmas day, every year. 

I don't get in a funk about it. I just enjoy the time I do get, and we still celebrate our own way and the kids seem to enjoy it. Keep positive thoughts and enjoy the time you have when it's your turn, and make that time special for you and the kids.


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## EnjoliWoman

Do you alternate? If you know this will be the case every other year, plan for your own separate celebration so you still get your Thanksgiving with them. Come up with a new tradition based on their ages. Maybe write what they are thankful for on a piece of paper and put in a jar and read out loud after dinner and then put them on the fridge where you can be reminded all year.

Thanksgiving isn't such a big deal for me, personally. I hate not having her on Christmas since we alternate and switch at 10pm Christmas Eve. So now my family comes to my house on Christmas Eve Day and we have our Christmas celebration then. Then on Christmas Morning, I have small group of single friends who don't have family around (they do it every year; I join every other year) who have an elaborate brunch - everyone brings a dish, we have mimosas and exchange gifts and just hang out. I call it my Band of Misfit Toys.  

So make your own traditions that set YOUR Thanksgiving/holiday apart from hers and just pick a different day. Maybe you'll be less resentful if you still have your time with them and emphasize the holiday with something special. The point of that is to really make it feel like the holiday whether it's on the actual day or not.

But this year, for you, why don't you write something that means something to YOU on a piece of paper or maybe a trinket that has meaning for you and put it in your pocket so that you can reach in for a positive thought when you need it.


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## Rowan

My ex-husband has our son every Thanksgiving Day until late afternoon. I get him that evening. That's actually always been the schedule, since well before he was born. We always had Thanksgiving dinner with my ex-husband's family, then saw my parents for supper that night. When we divorced, we just left it that way in the custody agreement. It actually works for all of us and I'm fine with it.

We alternate having him for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Last year, I had him Christmas Day and I invited my ex-husband to join us that morning for coffee and to open presents. He came over, we did the gift thing with our son, they left to have dinner at my MIL's house. This year, my ex-husband has a girlfriend, so I don't anticipate being invited over to share Christmas morning with them. If I am invited, I won't go if the new girlfriend and her daughter will be there. Simply because I make her so uncomfortable that I can feel the disquiet radiating off her in waves and it's distracting and somewhat of an emotional overload for me. 

I'm not really bitter about missing Christmas morning, though. I prefer to think of it as having the opportunity to create new traditions with my son on Christmas Eve. I think we'll drive around and check out all the lights displays, then go out somewhere fun for dinner. We'll do our gifts when we get home, then snuggle down with popcorn to watch a cheesy Christmas movie. His Dad will pick him up that night around 10:00. I think it's helpful to have fun, different, stuff planned for the time we'll have together. There's no sense in trying to maintain all the Christmas traditions we had before the divorce. So we'll make new ones for the years he's not with me on Christmas Day and keep some of the old ones for the years he is.


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## EnjoliWoman

Rowan - that's one of our traditions.  After family leaves Christmas Eve we put her bag in the car and drive around looking at Christmas lights until it's time to meet her Dad. 

And I'm OK with the new Christmas morning tradition with friends, too - it reinforces the fact that family isn't just blood relations or legally bound - family comes in many forms, so I'm still sharing Christmas morning with family!


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## Pluto2

Wolf, why don't you pick a day before the "actual" Thanksgiving and celebrate with your kids. Cook a turkey, have everyone say something they are thankful for. Remember these holidays are just arbitrary days plopped on a calendar. I bet the kids would appreciate your effort on their behalf (although maybe not until they are older)


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## Wolf1974

Holland said:


> We all get together for celebrations but yeah we are not the norm.
> 
> This Christmas it will be me, Mr H, both our ex's, all our combined kids and some other family members. That way everyone spends the time with their kids.
> 
> Lol would be a living nightmare for some but it works for us


Yeah pretty sure the GF isn't going to go for this lol

But in all serious glad this works ok for you. We are able to share kids birthdays and be at the same party and such though which I never thought would happen


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## Rowan

EnjoliWoman said:


> Rowan - that's one of our traditions.  After family leaves Christmas Eve we put her bag in the car and drive around looking at Christmas lights until it's time to meet her Dad.
> 
> And I'm OK with the new Christmas morning tradition with friends, too - it reinforces the fact that family isn't just blood relations or legally bound - family comes in many forms, so I'm still sharing Christmas morning with family!


I think I really like the idea of doing our thing first, then driving around looking at lights until it's time to go to his Dad's. I may steal that plan from you. Thanks!


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## Wolf1974

These are all good suggestions but more difficult to implement because we do switch holidays every year. So for example if I did something with them Christmas eve this year to build a tradition the next time I'm getting back to that is two years from now. The day before any actual holidays could work but then you skip over the actual holiday when it comes. 

I am working toward promotion next year and if/when I get that I will be going back to the road at night with odd days off so I guess this would be all a moot point then anyway. It's maybe not so much about the day or tradition rather just the fact that at times I want to spend time with my kids and I cant. Those thoughts seem to come up a lot more over the holidays. I appreciate the advice


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## southbound

I guess it's just a state of mind. Holidays aren't a huge deal in my family anyway. I don't mean I'm a scrooge or don't believe in it or anything, but we just aren't into the big razzle dazzle of it all. If I have a Thanksgiving dinner with my kids on that day or three days later, it's all the same to me. 

It may sound weird, but I actually feel a relief during the holidays now that I'm divorced. My kids and I can just d what we want and forget all the hupla that her family used to do.


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## 3Xnocharm

My ex and I have always alternated Thanksgiving, but for Christmas, every year my daughter is with me and my family for Christmas ever. My sister has it at her house every year, and its been this way every year since my daughter was 3 or 4. (she is 18 now) She then spends Xmas day with her dad and his family. This has worked out really well for us, mainly because it provides consistency for everyone.


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## ToothFairy

I understand your pain. You know what I did when I had my two sons at home and we had to split the holidays? I decided it didn't matter what day I celebrated thanksgiving or christmas on . My entire side of the family decided to have our thanksgiving on Saturday. It was awesome. No more eating 2 thanksgiving dinners on thursday or interrupting the day to take kids here or there. We celebrated our Christmas on Christmas Eve and did the same thing Enjoli Woman.. we made it a fun evening and then did a christmas drive.. and took presents with us for the boys dad and his new family. It may be hard to do.. but if you think about making it as easy and fun for your kids as possible it will be fun for you too.. and it's a kind and gracious thing to model to your children. 



We still do Thanksgiving on Friday or Saturday to this day and my boys are in college! It helps to just realize that the DAY itself means nothing... its the spirit and you can celebrate any of these holiday at any time. Give up something to get something. Make new traditions. Children are very resilient and game for anything.


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## Fenix

Last year was tough as it was the first year post separation. I had my kids at Thanksgiving and their dad (who lived in Europe) had them for Christmas. He did such a crappy job and had them stay 6 days, traveling on Christmas eve into day and then, having them on a plane on NYE just so he could fly one of his girl friends in that I said never again. You can have them but no transatlantic trips for short duration. This year, he is having them for Thanksgiving, which is my favorite holiday. But, my guy friend doesn't have his kids either, so he and I are celebrating very quietly and mostly horizontally. I cannot wait to have 4 uninterrupted days, without children, with him.


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## Openminded

There's no doubt that holidays are a very hard part of divorce. Until my son divorced several years ago, my then-husband and I spent every holiday with our son and grandchildren. Then after our son's divorce the alternating holidays began with our grandchildren. That was very difficult. Adding to that, last year, my divorce was final. Now, I see my ex-husband and his new wife at some family functions and we get along well so that helps. 

I do very much miss those times before my son's divorce when we were together for every holiday but that's just part of the fallout of divorce. The good news is my grandchildren have adjusted very well to all the changes that divorce brought into their lives and I'm thankful most of all for that.


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## Ceegee

Wolf, you are being cheated out of time with your kids. 

You're right. You can't control it. 

Only way to cope is to realize that you can't control it and move on. 

I won't have mine either. I'm more upset about the length of time without them then not having them for Thanksgiving. But it all works out. 

Also understand the situations where everyone else has their kids and you don't. Can make you feel inferior if you let it. 

Just remember that those kids love you and if given the choice they like to be with you too. That's all that matters.


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## Thundarr

Wolf1974 said:


> So for this year I don't have my kids for Thanksgiving. To say the least this build a lot of resentment in me. For thanksgiving I will be with my GF and her family and friends. Everyone there will have thier kids except me. And it really is starting to bother me and I have considered not going. I don't blame my x for wanting her time just sucks that this is so beyond my control and I can't be with them.
> 
> 
> I was just wondering how some of you deal with the resentment around the holidays. The rest of the year I am fine...I like my single guy time. But holidays blow when I can't be with my kiddos. I feel like I am being cheated out of time with them. Those who feel like me or who have longer experience with this how do you cope?


Wolf, My ex and I split when my kids were 7 and 4 so we had lots of years to alternate holidays. Honestly it never bothered me. There are 365 days per year and they are equally important IMO. Of course I had them half of each holiday since we toggled. But I never felt guilty when I had them and I never felt cheated when I didn't. They were around people who loved them either way.


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## DawnD

Thundarr said:


> But I never felt guilty when I had them and I never felt cheated when I didn't. They were around people who loved them either way.


Love the logic in this. I have mine for Thanksgiving, but not for Christmas. Their dad asked to take them to Cali for that and I think it is a great idea. I will miss them dearly, but we will still celebrate at my place as well. He has been in the field all this month and has not seen them at all. The least I can do is give him some time in December.


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## Ceegee

Great places to be Dawn and Thundarr. 

Nothing wrong with not being there yet Wolf.


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## SamuraiJack

Holland said:


> We all get together for celebrations but yeah we are not the norm.
> 
> This Christmas it will be me, Mr H, both our ex's, all our combined kids and some other family members. That way everyone spends the time with their kids.
> 
> Lol would be a living nightmare for some but it works for us


Oh I could just see it now...

"Bless this house and all who enter it. I am thankful for my children and the daily blessing s I get from them.
I am thankful for my health and all the love I have.
I am also thankful that the cheating skank ***** and her narcisitic mother sitting next to her are no longer my charge or obligation and that I have found a happier place with out her."

(uncomfortable silence)

"Amen".


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## havana

My ex and I have alternating holidays, but we always just split the day even if one of us was "assigned" to Thanksgiving Day, we would arrange a pick-up mid-day. The same on Christmas, morning with one of us and afternoon/night with the other. 

My daughter was 10 when we separated, so she had a big say in how she wanted to arrange her own holidays. She wanted time with both of us and she made sure we knew it. 

To me, it felt more like being "left out" of a holiday. I mean, he has his family come into town and they do a big thing that I used to participate in. I still love the in-laws but I can't celebrate with them so it feels more like being isolated than resentment. I also have overwhelming anxiety on the days leading up to a holiday. 

But I can't resent him for doing what he has always done on the holidays, I just feel sad that I can't participate any longer. As for my daughter, I think it is important for her and I am glad that she is still able to participate in holidays with his family.


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## EasyPartner

Thundarr said:


> Wolf, My ex and I split when my kids were 7 and 4 so we had lots of years to alternate holidays. Honestly it never bothered me. There are 365 days per year and they are equally important IMO. Of course I had them half of each holiday since we toggled. But I never felt guilty when I had them and I never felt cheated when I didn't. They were around people who loved them either way.


Thundarr, must be a good place to be be but it sounds almost superhuman to me. Then again, I'm only 2 years in so it may get better.


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## Wolf1974

Ceegee said:


> Great places to be Dawn and Thundarr.
> 
> Nothing wrong with not being there yet Wolf.


In the long run I will never be ok 100% with it. My kids deserved a better and cohesive family like I had growing up but with one bad decision I messed that up for them and me. And I miss them and this will always be an issue I think. I just need to do the best I can and accept this is just the way of things. And for the most part I have reconciled it. 

I moved on and dated and living with my GF. I have the kids about 60% of the time. So it's all good just the holidays, which are important to me because they were so monumental when I was growing up, brings out the lady bit of resentment I have. Will just learn to cope better.


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## Thundarr

EasyPartner said:


> Thundarr, must be a good place to be be but it sounds almost superhuman to me. Then again, I'm only 2 years in so it may get better.


Reading this thread makes me think I've taken it for granted. I didn't realize it's such a thorn to most so maybe I'm just odd. To me it was a direct consequence of what I changed about myself after the failed marriage. I stopped thinking I could control others and I stopped worrying about things I had little control over. It helped that I didn't think my ex was a horrible mom. She was mostly just a horrible spouse.


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## Ceegee

Thundarr said:


> Reading this thread makes me think I've taken it for granted. I didn't realize it's such a thorn to most so maybe I'm just odd. To me it was a direct consequence of what I changed about myself after the failed marriage. I stopped thinking I could control others and I stopped worrying about things I had little control over. It helped that I didn't think my ex was a horrible mom. She was mostly just a horrible spouse.



You're not odd. You're at a place the rest of us will be one day (or hope to be anyway).

It's a process. 

Resenting certain things doesn't make us "not over" the person or marriage. The holidays tend to highlight certain changes that we're not necessarily happy about. 

I would never in a million years take my XW back. But I do miss the certain things as they were. 

I also don't like that my children have uncertainty in their lives - where are we for Thanksgiving this year , where are we for Christmas, etc. You have every right to harbor resentment for that. No one can deny your feelings.


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## Holland

SamuraiJack said:


> Oh I could just see it now...
> 
> "Bless this house and all who enter it. I am thankful for my children and the daily blessing s I get from them.
> I am thankful for my health and all the love I have.
> I am also thankful that the cheating skank ***** and her narcisitic mother sitting next to her are no longer my charge or obligation and that I have found a happier place with out her."
> 
> (uncomfortable silence)
> 
> "Amen".


Not an issue here, non of us are religious and there was no cheating. 
Ex and I are still family, just a different version of the family we once were. He has always been well liked by my family and they are still in contact. My IL's have both since passed away but I always had a good relationship with them.


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## SamuraiJack

Holland said:


> Not an issue here, non of us are religious and there was no cheating.
> Ex and I are still family, just a different version of the family we once were. He has always been well liked by my family and they are still in contact. My IL's have both since passed away but I always had a good relationship with them.


That was actually a joke. My family is not religious, but I do not suffer fools to sit at my table...


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