# Need help - second month of separation



## willowtree (Sep 4, 2011)

I am at a loss as to where to go from here. My husband moved out almost two months ago, said he didn't think he should be married, wanted freedom, etc. We have only been married a little less than two years. I love him with all my heart and do not want to continue the separation. We are seeing a counselor who suggested last week that we go a week without seeing or speaking to each other. I am having an incredibly difficult time with this and had what amounted to an emotional meltdown yesterday. I have never felt such crushing despair in my life. 

My husband says he wants to work on our marriage and we do spend time together, we spent last weekend together and had a very good time. But everything seems to be on his terms. He is emotionally very immature and detached, and it makes things all the more difficult for me because I don't know if he truly understands the pain I feel. He says he loves me but doesn't feel as though we have much of a future together because there are differences about what we want in life (differences we talked about extensively before marrying and I thought we came to terms with and compromised on). 

I am absolutely devasted, I am in my mid-40s and when all this happened, we were actually signed up with adoption agencies to adopt a child. I feel as though I have lost my best friend, my love, and my dreams of having a child, all at the same time. This no contact is incredibly difficult for me and I don't think it is beneficial for us, or at least not for me. While I sit here alone and try to think of any way imaginable to help our marriage, I have a feeling he is out with his buddies hanging out in bars. There have been many things that he has said/done that have been incredibly painful to me and I think the counselor suggested this to give me a break from all that, but it is not working. It has just made things worse. I just don't know what to do or where to turn at this point. I am just incredibly depressed and do not know at this point if I should even have hope that things will turn around. Advice would be much appreciated.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

My stock answer to everyone I reply to is to give him (or her) their space. I too am in my second month of separation and it kills me, and as difficult as it is, I try to let our contact with each other be on his terms since it would be his decision to come back to me or not. You will get to feeling better as time goes on. Right now you have to concentrate on taking care of you.


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## willowtree (Sep 4, 2011)

I am trying, we are starting our second month of separation. Three weeks of that he was on leave and we barely communicated (we spoke maybe 3 times), a week of that I was gone and we barely communicated. At this point, in my mind the separation has gone on almost too long. I do not know how we can heal our marriage if we barely communicate or see each other. I just cannot continue on like this much longer, emotionally it is just killing me - I cannot seem to even function at times. On the other hand, he is so emotionally detached he acts like it doesn't bother him at all. I need to know he is committed to working things out and I am just uncertain about that. Even though he is going to counseling, I wonder if he is just doing that to appease me. I have more questions than answers, and I just do not know how long I can continue this.


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## willowtree (Sep 4, 2011)

actually i meant starting our third month of separation.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

How long have you two been going to marriage counseling? What brought about the separation was there arguments or anything like that? Any signs of infidelity?


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## willowtree (Sep 4, 2011)

We have been going to counseling for a month. We did have normal everyday arguments, but nothing horribly serious. He just decided he didn't feel like he wanted to be married anymore, that we never should have gotten married, and that he didn't see a future for us. What prompted the move out was I rescued a puppy from a shelter that had a severely broken leg. He is not a huge dog person and I have three dogs of my own and an old foster boxer. He said it was just too many dogs, and he left. The problem with that is that he new from the very, very beginning that I rescue dogs and that it is the most important thing in my life, aside from my marriage. He also said my love of animals and compassion was one of the things that attracted him most to me. Now he is holding the dogs over my head, saying I need to find a home for the puppy and the boxer and never have more than three dogs again. Well, I am not giving up my rescue, not for him or anyone, it is and will be a part of my life always. Not that I am not willing to do things that make it easier for him to deal with. The puppy had major surgery and isn't quite ready to go to a new home yet, the older boxer is going to be hard to place - but she is so sweet and quiet it is hard to even know she is there. I know there is so much more to it than that, but he is holding that over my head. He won't come home until the 2 dogs are gone. Well I am at the point where I don't want him to come home until we fix what is "really" wrong and until I know he truly loves me and is committed to our marriage. I am not going to face this again 2 or 3 years from now. I love him, but he is not going to take away such an integral part of who I am.


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## willowtree (Sep 4, 2011)

And no signs of infidelity, I do trust him on that.... although about two weeks after he moved out I found out he had signed up for a dating site. He deleted his membership and said he was wrong for doing it. He said he did it because he "thought it was over"..... and "wanted to see what was out there". I said wow you didn't waste anytime. That hurt me more than I can express. Like I said he is emotionally very immature. He is 40 years old but it seems as though I am married to a 20 year old at times.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

My husband is a 44 yo stuck in a 15 yo's mind. He is also emotionally immature. 

I also don't want him to come home out of guilt, or because he misses our beautiful home, I want him to come home if and when he can commit 100% effort to our marriage and his family.

Although I don't expect that is going to happen whatsoever now.

I do know although he will probably find someone else and hook up ASAP, with his issues he will probably end up in the same place again, in a few years. Divorced/broken up.


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## willowtree (Sep 4, 2011)

Sounds like we are almost married to the same man! I have a feeling that if things don't work out with my husband, he will also hook up with someone quickly (the dating site gave that away) and fail to make any real emotional connection with them as well and end up in the same place we are again. I think he has the grass is greener syndrome along with loads of immaturity. I wish there was a way to help a man grow up and connect with his feelings, but I have yet to find any advice on that.


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## natasha1983 (Sep 2, 2011)

willowtree said:


> Sounds like we are almost married to the same man! I have a feeling that if things don't work out with my husband, he will also hook up with someone quickly (the dating site gave that away) and fail to make any real emotional connection with them as well and end up in the same place we are again. I think he has the grass is greener syndrome along with loads of immaturity. I wish there was a way to help a man grow up and connect with his feelings, but I have yet to find any advice on that.


Oh wow , It is so nice to meet people in the same boat as me and to share my worries. This is the third month of separation from my husband too and I feel like I am going to crack from the pressure. Thankfully we are staying together under the same roof and we are communicating regularly and seem to have gotten closer over the last few weeks. But I am getting impatient. I have not brought up the topic of our separation and getting back together in our conversations because I dont want to ruin the progress we have made. He hasn't filed for divorce (The separation was his idea) yet but he isnt also talking about getting together. I dont want to give up on our marriage and it angers me that he could just throw it all away. I am aware that he was getting close to a girl at work but due to some downsizing she was let go from the company and also left the country so it did not go further than a few texts and emails. They still keep in touch from time to time but I am glad they are not in the same place as much so it is fizzling out and now that he is working from home so that gives us more time together and yes we are still sleeping together. I am enjoying my connection with him. We never fight, are always pleasant with each other and he talks to me about his work and I help him with some aspects of his work as well. We used to do this alot during the first years of our marriage and it feels really good. I just hope that the friendship we have built over the last few weeks is a precursor to a renewed relationship. But I am not sure if he is just comfortable with me as his friend since he is also getting the benefits. I know now that he does care for me very much and we are essentially living as husband and wife more so than before the separation. The only thing missing is the label. I just want us to get together so we can start working together on the issues that caused him to seek a separation. Does anyone have any advice on what I can do to increase my status of a FWB to that of a wife?? I have managed to keep a cheerful face, and be polite and friendly with him over the last 2 months but GOD its a lot of pressure. There are times that I wait for him to leave the house so I can have a good cry. I have also got a makeover and look better than I did when we got married 4 years ago and I know he notices it. But obviously this is not enough. I feel like I am starting from scratch with him but maybe thats what we both need. So again, any advice? btw I am 29 and he is 33. My mom tells me to move on since I am still young and in her opinion he isnt worth the wait. I cant even imagine it..I am not giving up till we actually sign the divorce papers!


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## StandbyMe (Aug 5, 2011)

I read both of your post and I am like both if except I am the man going through this. Going into week 6 of separation. She moved out 50+ days ago due to my verbal abuse from drinking. I quit drinking the day she walked out the door. I also had a problem with jealousy and trust . We have been married for close to 10 years. All of our kids are grown an gone so I am dealing with a lonely house with no wife in the picture. We communicate a little on the phone. I am lucky to receive 1 or 2 phone calls a week from her. Of course there is no conversation to the relationship as she does not want to talk about it at this point. First 2 weeks I went through all the begging and crying for her to come back to no avail. I have changed from all of this began to exercise and read to try and keep it off my mind. It helped some but there is not a day that goes by I don't think about her. She is sitting back to see if I have changed. Problem is I have not seen her in 3 weeks now. She has not said the "D" word at all at this point. I had one person give me advice to stop the "desperation moves" and move to the "Play Hard To Get" phase. I am been faithful through all of this, no seeing other women or not even looking at another woman. I have trust in her that she is not doing that either. It seems she needs to time and space to decide If I will be part of her life again. I like you "Willowtree" are wondering if she is commented to working things out at some point in all of this. She refused to go to counseling and I was planning to go and she told me that would useless that I could fix myself . I don't need AA as I was never a day to day drinker anyway and have no desire for alcohol. So do I move into the "Hard to Get Phase" or will that move us further apart? It is obvious the "Desperation" phase is not working. Sending e-mails and voice mails did not work either. I am totally commented to fixing our marriage but as you know it takes both to make it happen. I am a changed man from all of this but I wonder if she will reap the benefits of a new revived husband for the rest of her life if she continues the little to no communication.


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## willowtree (Sep 4, 2011)

Stand by me,
I would definitely go to counseling, on my own if she will not go with you. It will help you work through this separation. Also, you admitted problems with anger and jealousy, a good counselor will be beneficial in finding ways to help you cope with those emotions, which will only be beneficial in the long run should the two of you get back together. I would most definitely do this for yourself, as well as for her. I personally would not play "hard to get" at this point - to be honest, I think given what you have said about why she moved out (not trying to be harsh here), that you might not be in the position to take that route. I would say that might be an option if your relationship had been more positive, and she just up and decided she wanted her freedom or something along those lines. I would spend this time working on myself, stay in contact with her as you can, and let her see the changes transpire for herself. Then maybe at some point, you can ask her to attend counseling with you and she may agree. Again, not trying to be harsh, just going on what you have said might have been the dynamic of your relationship, I am sure that there were issues on her side as well, there are always two sides to every story!! I think counseling is definitely the way to go.


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