# Advice Am I wrong.



## David005 (Nov 17, 2015)

M/44. Married for 15 years, last 4 years no intimacy , not slept in same bed , no children. Care my wife but no love anymore. She quit her job 4 yrs before, have been supporting her. Requested her several time to find a job, so she can stand on her own leg. So far nothing changed , life is like a hell , no sex , no romance, can't date anyone. Worried how will she survive in this complex world. I make decent money , ready to give up 250k house paid fully , ready to support monthly payment. So I want start my life back with someone. Am I selfish.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You're willing to give up the house and pay her monthly support. It seems to me that you're only married in name anyway. The feelings you're having are not unlike those of a parent to a child. Not a husband and wife. So, if the barriers to divorce are not a problem for you, then you should stop wasting your life away and just go for it. Find someone who loves you and wants you.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I bet if you left she would go find a job. 
Is she depressed for any reason? Have you talked to her about lack of intimacy? Does she do house work? Why did she quit her job? Do you have children?
Have you asked for a separation? Have you let her know you want a divorce?


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## David005 (Nov 17, 2015)

No children, yes asked for separation, she is depressed.


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## David005 (Nov 17, 2015)

Yes, she says she loves me. But can't have sex, she cooks sometimes and does laundry , but watches lot of online movies, dramas and read fantasy stories.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You aren't suppose to be dating anyone you are married. Why aren't you sleeping in the same bed as your wife and being intimate with her? Have you encouraged her to get help for her depression? You are suppose to be supporting her, you are her husband. It's not being selfish to want a divorce but unless she has a job be prepared to support her until she can support herself.


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## David005 (Nov 17, 2015)

Above all I want to find someone start a new life. People say life is too short, I felt like lived enough.


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## David005 (Nov 17, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> You aren't suppose to be dating anyone you are married. Why aren't you sleeping in the same bed as your wife and being intimate with her? Have you encouraged her to get help for her depression? You are suppose to be supporting her, you are her husband. It's not being selfish to want a divorce but unless she has a job be prepared to support her until she can support herself.


Yes. I have begged her to go work. I have no love for her now( romantically)but I do care for her. We argue lot , at some point, I just gave up started shutting myself down. I meet lot of people very compatible, now I realized should never had arranged marriage.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

David005 said:


> Yes, she says she loves me. But can't have sex, she cooks sometimes and does laundry , but watches lot of online movies, dramas and read fantasy stories.


Why can't she have sex?

Is she willing to try to improve the marriage?

You are not selfish. Read His Needs Her Needs. (you can buy the book, but here's a pdf of it. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/pdf/HNHN-ch1.pdf)

I thought I was selfish until I read that and realized - oh my God, I'm just a human being! My needs are quite normal...

People have needs. They get married to meet and have those needs met. If she does not care what your needs are and is not willing to try to meet them, including getting treatment for depression, then who knows if she loves you or not, but that is not a marriage.

I really hear you though with being the bread winner. I am in the same situation where my H has not worked for years and I support him. He has health issues. I wanted to leave him for awhile but now he's working hard to make our marriage better so I no longer want out. But when I did I felt so horrible - He's a grown man in his 50's with debilitating pain and high standards for his quality of life. If I left him ...what would become of him? I was not happy - he was not holding up his end of the marriage - I know it is very pathetic, but I knew all that and just felt so worried for him.

But don't let irrational guilt ruin your life. I bet if I posted your exact post on here as myself and you read it, you would say: No you are not selfish. You have gone above and beyond. Go have a life before it is too late. She is an adult. She needs to figure things out.

Also - it may be the best thing you could do for her. I would tell her you are not happy and want things to change so that you have a fulfilling relationship or you can't stay.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

David005 said:


> M/44. Married for 15 years, last 4 years no intimacy , not slept in same bed , no children. Care my wife but no love anymore. She quit her job 4 yrs before, have been supporting her. Requested her several time to find a job, so she can stand on her own leg. So far nothing changed , life is like a hell , no sex , no romance, can't date anyone. Worried how will she survive in this complex world. I make decent money , ready to give up 250k house paid fully , ready to support monthly payment. So I want start my life back with someone. Am I selfish.


Not selfish. I'm assuming you'd like to be intimate but she shut things down. Maybe she's depressed but four years without affection means the marriage needs to end for both of your sakes. Things are not working. They are probably just getting worse.

Start over, let her start over, because life doesn't have to be this way.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Why would you suddenly decide to divorce? What brought you guys together in the first place? Was your marriage always like this?
Why did you wife give up work? was there medical problems, did you both want kids and couldn't have them?
Is your wife depressed? You need to find out the status of her and your marriage before making any decisions. Consider IC for you both followed by MC then decide what you want.

Your life may be horrid now, but there is no guarantee that it will be any better when your divorce, divorce is traumatic and finding another woman without flaws may not be as easy as you think? 

In other words, imho you need to examine what is the problem with your marriage, your wife, yourself now.


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## David005 (Nov 17, 2015)

It's was my fear of being alone, selfishness and guilt , that kept me going all these years and promised her in the beginning will never ever divorce. Now started drinking too much, feel like just walking out my home, but love my dog , he is like my son to me. Money is not issue , I can support her rest of my life for being top IT professional.


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## David005 (Nov 17, 2015)

Thanks for all your input. I do not recognize love , don't know what MC will do for us?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

David005 said:


> Yes, she says she loves me. But can't have sex, she cooks sometimes and does laundry , but watches lot of online movies, dramas and read fantasy stories.


If someone does not work, has no kids and spends their day lying round the house and watching TV they will become depressed. Frankly, if you did this as a man no-one would be worried that you were depressed and needed more understanding.

It is quite possible that your wife is scared and has given up on life and is hiding with the marriage like a security blanket. If so, you are aware of her suffering as well as her selfishness and it will be a huge emotional burden.

An MC is unlikely to help. But you want to try everything before quitting.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

Where's the communication? How did you get into being 4yrs without intimacy and wanting it? How did you fall out of love, without trying to truly fix this marriage without outside resources. 

Hinting around for her to get a job isn't the same thing as letting her know you want a divorce and her to move on with her own income. 

Would you be willing to work on your part as far as communicating your needs? You really need to take responsibility of allowing your needs going unmet for so long due to not having a serious heart to heart talk. 

I think you're selfish to just walk away and not truly express to her years ago what you needed from her, as your wife.


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## David005 (Nov 17, 2015)

New_Beginnings said:


> Where's the communication? How did you get into being 4yrs without intimacy and wanting it? How did you fall out of love, without trying to truly fix this marriage without outside resources.
> 
> Hinting around for her to get a job isn't the same thing as letting her know you want a divorce and her to move on with her own income.
> 
> ...


I tried several times before, when she suspected me having an affair and begged her stay with me even without sex. Now , I have to come to stage , where I don't want to live anymore. Spoke to her about separation, she said , we can work it out, but I became numb inside. Do not have that sexual attraction for her any more. In fact I see people, interested but not coming forward, because I am still in marriage. I am 44 old , but very successful in career, prefer to meet women close to my age than young women. My wife is good person and I do care for her living. But I lost so many years living alone without skinship, cried so many days silently. Now felt I need to protect myself and start living. Confronted, she says same thing. I am screwed here.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

I most definitely would've sought counseling not to necessarily fix the marriage. You couldve had a mediator explain to her, that she can't force you to stay, you both deserve happiness again.

I wouldve wanted her to see that as well, from an outside perspective and not just from me.If she just wants a friend and doesn't want to fill needs as a wife, I would most defintely continue through with a divorce. I don't think you're screwed, I also wouldn't waste years if my needs weren't as important to her as they are to me.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

David005 said:


> Yes. I have begged her to go work. I have no love for her now( romantically)but I do care for her. We argue lot , at some point, I just gave up started shutting myself down. I meet lot of people very compatible, now I realized should never had arranged marriage.


If she's depressed she might not be able to work or have a desire for sex. Maybe she needs to see a psychiatrist.


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## David005 (Nov 17, 2015)

Heatherknows said:


> If she's depressed she might not be able to work or have a desire for sex. Maybe she needs to see a psychiatrist.


She is happy watching movies in her closed doors, I feel like alone nowhere to go, falling in depression. Just want to walk out of my house, don't know where to go. Really liked so many people but never took a step because of being married man. Told her get out find a job. She does not even attempt, same story for 4 years. Feeling frustrated not want care about her anymore.
I work hard make plenty of money , no sex, no fun, even an average Joe enjoys his life. 

Sometimes I want quit myself.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

David005 said:


> She is happy watching movies in her closed doors, I feel like alone nowhere to go, falling in depression. Just want to walk out of my house, don't know where to go. Really liked so many people but never took a step because of being married man. Told her get out find a job. She does not even attempt, same story for 4 years. Feeling frustrated not want care about her anymore.
> I work hard make plenty of money , no sex, no fun, even an average Joe enjoys his life.
> 
> Sometimes I want quit myself.


I'm sorry you're going thru this. It sounds painful.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your marriage ended years ago.

End it and have a life or stay for more of the same.

I'd get a plan together and not deviate from it. Make up your mind and do it right.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

You said she suspected you had an affair. Did you? Why would she suspect? IS her depression accompanied by some paranoia, perhaps? Of is there more to the story?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

If you have told us everything relevant, I'd get a divorce immediately. Why torture yourself unnecessarily?


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## David005 (Nov 17, 2015)

TeddieG said:


> You said she suspected you had an affair. Did you? Why would she suspect? IS her depression accompanied by some paranoia, perhaps? Of is there more to the story?


Yes , there is more to it. Multiple suicidal threats and frequent quarrels made me started loosing interest in her in bed. She saw my phone seaches 4 years ago like " When men attracted to other women" though I was not in affair. That's were we started sleeping in different rooms till now. Never improved until last month , I said want to move out. I don't know how she will take care of herself without job. That makes me mad , forcing me stay in the same house, still doing all shopping for her. I can't find anyone until I am married. I don't know how this going to end.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

David005 said:


> TeddieG said:
> 
> 
> > You said she suspected you had an affair. Did you? Why would she suspect? IS her depression accompanied by some paranoia, perhaps? Of is there more to the story?
> ...



I'd get a lawyer, draw up paperwork and possibly put into papers spousal support for certain amount of months. Id give her the house, let her sell and use the money to live off of. You don't have to stay with someone because they don't want to care for their self. If you've checked out years ago and she's aware, don't feel guilted to stay. If you are that miserable and just need out, I'm sure there's several ways to get out without feeling sorry for her anymore.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

David005 said:


> I tried several times before, when she suspected me having an affair and begged her stay with me even without sex. Now , I have to come to stage , where I don't want to live anymore. Spoke to her about separation, she said , we can work it out, but I became numb inside. Do not have that sexual attraction for her any more. In fact I see people, interested but not coming forward, because I am still in marriage. I am 44 old , but very successful in career, prefer to meet women close to my age than young women. My wife is good person and I do care for her living. But I lost so many years living alone without skinship, cried so many days silently. Now felt I need to protect myself and start living. Confronted, she says same thing. I am screwed here.


Perhaps you should try to communicate more, do things together, she wasn't the only one who dropped the ball, you did not communicate how you felt. You searched about other women on the internet, you broke your wife's heart and then you cry silently. You are partly responsible for the place she is in now you want to walk away. You know it does not matter who you eventually marry again, there will be other problems, then will you walk away too? It sounds to me like both of you need IC to sort yourselves out then see can you give the marriage a chance. You are both very broken people.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you have other people in your life - parents, cousins - who can step in and get her to get help? Not so you can stay married but so she can get healthy, then it won't be such a hard thing to leave her. Ask them to help, or bring in a mental health professional for a home visit, just do something!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

It ends by you leaving. Tell someone from her family that you are leaving and you are worried about her. It will be up to her and her family once you are gone.

Find a place, take your dog and go. Don't look back. You can't save her. She needs to look after herself and you have told her many times to do so. She may not do anything until you actually leave.


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## David005 (Nov 17, 2015)

aine said:


> Perhaps you should try to communicate more, do things together, she wasn't the only one who dropped the ball, you did not communicate how you felt. You searched about other women on the internet, you broke your wife's heart and then you cry silently. You are partly responsible for the place she is in now you want to walk away. You know it does not matter who you eventually marry again, there will be other problems, then will you walk away too? It sounds to me like both of you need IC to sort yourselves out then see can you give the marriage a chance. You are both very broken people.


Very true, guilt kills me here, we are from different country and settled here, so practically nobody , if something goes wrong . Even suggested her to go back ,so she can live rest of her life without worries, that much of wealth I gave to her and family. Took half million dollar insurance on my name. House paid off here. All I need is , she has to take care of herself , with minimum income job, and I can easily take care of her monthly expense as alimony. I do care about her lot but not as husband love anymore. But I need skinnship, sex, tired of sleeping alone. Sometimes feel like quitting myself for good.


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## David005 (Nov 17, 2015)

New_Beginnings said:


> I'd get a lawyer, draw up paperwork and possibly put into papers spousal support for certain amount of months. Id give her the house, let her sell and use the money to live off of. You don't have to stay with someone because they don't want to care for their self. If you've checked out years ago and she's aware, don't feel guilted to stay. If you are that miserable and just need out, I'm sure there's several ways to get out without feeling sorry for her anymore.


Yes, i want to do that. 


SadSamIAm said:


> It ends by you leaving. Tell someone from her family that you are leaving and you are worried about her. It will be up to her and her family once you are gone.
> 
> Find a place, take your dog and go. Don't look back. You can't save her. She needs to look after herself and you have told her many times to do so. She may not do anything until you actually leave.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

This whole talk about quitting yourself ect. Is worrisome to me. I really think you need to talk to a counselor and someone who can possibily help with the process to get out of this marriage. If your wife truly loves you, I do not believe any partner would want their other half to want to give up on life because they're unhappy. If my husband was miserable, even if it hurt I wouldn't force him to stay. If I wanted him badly, I would do everything to help fix my marriage.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You say you are from a different country and know no one, haven't you got a network of friends and acquaintances in your country of residence?

Did you come to the current place and never really adjusted, you just went to work and she stayed home and never made an effort to meet other people, be social etc. If so that is what the problem is, noone can survive without the company of others in the long run, if you have no family there then you have to have others as 'family.' 

I know sometimes women do this when they move to another country, they become depressed and unless they get out and meet others they will just sink further. 

How long have you been in your current location?


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## David005 (Nov 17, 2015)

aine said:


> You say you are from a different country and know no one, haven't you got a network of friends and acquaintances in your country of residence?
> 
> Did you come to the current place and never really adjusted, you just went to work and she stayed home and never made an effort to meet other people, be social etc. If so that is what the problem is, noone can survive without the company of others in the long run, if you have no family there then you have to have others as 'family.'
> 
> ...


Lived 15 years in current location. 

Sent from my SM-T710 using Tapatalk


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

No matter how you end the marriage, you will still feel sorry for her
That is just in you, that is the type of person you are.
She knows that and she knows how to play her cards to make you feel bad every time you talk about leaving.

As far as the affair thing.
We're you talking to another woman?
We're you on a dating site looking for an affair?
What makes you think you will be happier with another woman?
You think that because you make a lot of money that a woman will automatically love you and not use you for the money?

If you would be happier being single and not having a woman for awhile and you truly do not love your wife, then divorce.

But if you think a new woman is the key to new happiness, well you have to be comfortable in your own skin first.

Still though, how close did you come to having an affair?
It sounds like you are under playing that part and that is the part that has seriously impacted your wife.
She may need therapy herself


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## David005 (Nov 17, 2015)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> No matter how you end the marriage, you will still feel sorry for her
> That is just in you, that is the type of person you are.
> She knows that and she knows how to play her cards to make you feel bad every time you talk about leaving.
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Will you read a book for me? It's very informative about what a marriage should be. Reading it will help you understand what your marriage SHOULD look like, and it will also help the two of you decide if you just aren't compatible and should move on. It will talk about your and her top needs and whether each of you can meet the other's needs. If not, probably time to move on.

His Needs Her Needs
His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage: Willard F. Jr. Harley: 9780800719388: Amazon.com: Books


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Her sitting around watching fantasy and romance stuff isn't helping things. Not in a positive way at least. It's helping her disconnect from you, your marriage and reality.

If you're the only one working, then be the only one with direct access to money and bills. Then cut off the internet. People lived a long time without it. It's not a human need. Get rid of that and TV. Soap Operas can be an awful thing for a person like that. I watched my mother go through a similar phase growing up. She'd watch General Hospital and the more she did, the more she seemed to have to dramatize her daily life as if she was creating the next episode of the show. It's not something everyone has trouble with. But it happens.


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