# Question regarding men and sex



## fumbling (Sep 7, 2010)

Sometime in August I had a conversation with my husband about sex. It was how sex makes a woman feel and how it makes a man feel (in a general way). He said he could not wait to get in there to get that control. I hear this as; I can't wait to get my penis into a woman's vagina to get control over her. I am guessing that is not what he meant exactly. When I asked him weeks later about it I did not get any response. A little male perspective would be nice.

I wrote down my thoughts to hold the conversation with him. Verbalizing is not that easy for me. I could not get any verbal response from him. So, I finally just let him read what I had written.
My Perspective:
Control over a woman does not give any hint at wanting to be close emotionally. It does not show any concern for the pleasure of your partner except how it can help put the woman under your thumb. In the past you have said how you just needed the release, which made me suggest, "Try the shower and your hand if that is all you want." I think of the words release and control now when you want to have sex. I have started to lose desire for sex and physical intimacy with you. 
We had sex this past weekend. Physically it was great. I do have those words ringing through my head though. He said, he just wanted to get the beer in him before we started. I asked if he needed to get his beer goggles on. GREAT! Now I will be thinking about that too. Better get a beer in you first, get those beer goggles on before sex with the wife.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Moved to its own thread.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Okay, you are asking a very instinctual/visceral kind of question - what makes a man want to put his penis in there?

Yes, all kinds of thoughts/emotions run through your head when you are dorked up in the moment and "control" would be one of them, although not the main one I would personally think of.

I guess at that moment I am thinking - "When I put in my penis in there, great pleasure and tension release are soon."

Remember, what is driving the man to do that is the hormone Testosterone.

This hormone causes feelings of dominance, anger, tension, hunting, etc. in a male. It's not like estrogen which causes feelings of receptiveness in the female.

It's okay for you to not understand the feelings. . .but I don't think it was okay for you to judge him when you asked and he tried to articulate his feelings. Remember, guys aren't girls. And no, not every sexual experience is a "Desire to meld our souls and bodies into one entity." Sometimes we just want a piece of tail. We can't articulate matters often very well, especially when your woman asks. People here may think I articulate matters well but you would all be surprised that when I am in the car with my woman or in a normal environment, I can get intimidated.

I would have clammed up too, if I was your husband. It appears from here you were baiting him and looking for an excuse to withhold sex from him.


----------



## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Yes, sex has bits of a control/ownership aspect in it. Any male who says that doesn't play a part is either deluding himself, or totally ignorant of his own self. The very act that a part of our body is placed into another persons body has that undertone.

For a male when we are having sex it gives us that feeling "this woman is mine, all mine". The ego gets stoked because that is our woman. We also tend to feel very protective of our partner during those times. When I say control I am NOT saying I am the king and you are my slave. I am not saying we think you are not a partner, or that you should not have a say to things. When you are protective of something, it has bits of a control aspect to it. Does that make sense what I am saying? 

So fumbling, your man was being openly honest with you and opened himself up more then many men ever do. Your reaction to his blunt openness though will determine in the future how open he is with you. Will you end up punishing him for telling you how he really felt? I can guarantee you that if you punish him in any way he will clam up tight.


----------



## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Control to me is being in the driverseat... taking her to a varied of emotional and phsical places. her moaning, screaming, scratching, squirming is because of my efforts and action ( could be all in my mind but... ). To put in perspective he could mean controling your pleasure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jc32 (Jan 25, 2010)

It's also possible that he didn't really mean anything by it, and just thought that a macho answer would turn you on. Sometimes guys say stupid things without thinking about how they're going to be received. It's even possible that he really felt that way at that moment in time, but it's not how he usually feels about sex. I don't treat sex as a control thing at all. In fact, I think it can be a lot of fun for the woman to be in control, and I bet that most men would agree.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Scannerguard said:


> Remember, what is driving the man to do that is the hormone Testosterone.
> 
> This hormone causes feelings of dominance, anger, tension, hunting, etc. in a male. It's not like estrogen which causes feelings of receptiveness in the female.
> 
> Remember, guys aren't girls. And no, not every sexual experience is a "Desire to meld our souls and bodies into one entity." Sometimes we just want a piece of tail. We can't articulate matters often very well, especially when your woman asks.


 As a woman I totally agree with this answer :iagree::iagree: 

Your husband is most likely a higher testosterone male, I bet he "needs" sex ALOT, craves it , is dominant in bed, maybe wants his "space" alot when not having sex. Any of this true? If so, It is all because of the amount of Testosterone flowing through his system, which really he has no control over - unless he is taking enhancers. This hormone effects our minds too. 

If I asked my husband this same question, I would not get an answer like that, But my husband is not a high testosterone male (He was tested) , he is on the lower end of the test scale, normal but not High, I know his reply would be more "mushy", something out of a romance novel, that he loves the closeness or something. I'll probably ask him today out of curisoty. But I knew when I married him, he was more the passive nice guy type. So he thinks & even acts many times differently than the higher test guy. 

How old is your husband? As he ages, he may not look at Sex in the same animalistic way as he most likely carelessly described, his testosterone will lower and he will get more "mushy". 

But also very true, men generally hate being put on the spot, even my husband doesnt like all the questions. Men & women truly Do think differently. As long as he is faithful, try to overlook some of the mindless answers he may give, at least he tried to answer. 

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", this is a good book to read to understand the differences in the sexs. Also, Many do not realize HOW MUCH of a role *hormones* play on how we act, how we think, the things we do. I am reading a great book on this very subject right now. It is an eye opener.


......Also, the way Crypsys explained his answer -might be exactly how your husband feels but did not express well at all. I think that is a great way of explaining the male perspective.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i have been on here for a few years now, and reading through this section mostly, and the one common theme amongst the ladies is that they like a strong man that takes control in the sex department. i have employed that mindset and it mostly works for me, i guess not all women want that. the beer comment was just stupid.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> i have been on here for a few years now, and reading through this section mostly, and the one common theme amongst the ladies is that they like a strong man that takes control in the sex department. i have employed that mindset and it mostly works for me, i guess not all women want that. the beer comment was just stupid.


 I agree women do want this, I even want it many times, I find I am more dominant in bed, BUT if I had to choose between what I have and some of the the more dominant men I have read about, or know in my own life as some my friends have married, who likes their space, does not take any hassle from their wives, but reminds her who is the boss, what the plans are, I must admit I feel *I* am best matched with the lessor dominant male. I don't think I would mesh well at all with a truly dominant/more aggressive man. It would be FIRE. 

But just as I may lack some things (desiring more "Ommph" in the bedroom, many of these women are lacking things OUTSIDE of the bedroom), so it all comes out even in the end, doesn't it? 

What is funny is YES, women seek these kinds of men relentlessly in their youth but they don't want the other side of him - when they are not as emotional , not wanting to stay home & cuddle hours on end, do not want to talk, want to hang with the guys. 

I feel very strongly that Opposites attract for a very good reason. My grandmother was more Aggressive , she married a more passive man = a wonderful marraige. MY Other Grandfather was the Dominant force , my grandmother passive = good marraige. The list goes on. I don't think my husband could change my tendencies any more than I can change his. 

I did just ask my husband what he likes about Sex - his answer was - "The climax, of coarse" , then I asked it another way... what do you like about Making love , his answer was "the closeness". So maybe it matters how these questions are presented too.


----------



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Please tread lightly with your husband for a while, bc you asked and he shared and you trampled on his attempt at sharing. He may feel unsafe with you for a while. I know we dont understand this as women, but when a man shares something like that and then gets a distracted scared response, he is going to want to curl up in a ball and roll away.

You wanted to hear him say "I want to please you and connect emotionally"? Thats only in the movies. There is alot of domination involved in reality, and thats ok. Biologically, women seek out dominant men as they are good protectors. 

To make him feel better again, stroke his ego and ask him to dominate you and release inside you. He obviously thinks you are worth his release, so go with that... he chooses you whether he can express what you want to hear or not.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I can't relate....if I could just watch my wife get off everyday that would be enough. She is willing and appeases my craziness. To be honest actual sex isn't top on my list.

Watching her
Toys
Kissing
Mutual Masturbation

Are all above sex.........like I tell her she could use her ears, feet, elbows, eyebrows, and I think eventually I would get off.....lol. I just love knowing she is getting off.

Now where is my wife I'm getting excited!


----------



## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Agree with the above posters.

Women need to learn to not get all emotional every time they have sex. Sometimes it's strictly about the pleasure and not getting all mushy and all.

I like to dominate, but I also like to be dominated...I too, like Star, would probably be turned on by his words about gettin it in there... you know sometimes it's fun to just let go and get your brains effed by your husband  

I love it when a man is in control, be it in the bedroom or outside... just in life in general. It doesn't mean he is the master and I'm his slave and I obey his every single word/order/request.

If you've read BigBadWolf's posts you'll know what I mean


----------



## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

cherrypie18 said:


> I love it when a man is in control, be it in the bedroom or outside... just in life in general. It doesn't mean he is the master and I'm his slave and I obey his every single word/order/request.


My wife is the same way Cherry. My wife has absolute trust in me, and I in her. I've never mistreated her, nor given her any reason to not completely trust me. I would never ask, nor expect her to do a single thing I myself wouldn't do. By that token, she prefers that I be in control, it gives her a feeling of being protected and comfort. Also to be honest my personality doesn't do well to NOT being in control (both at my work and personal life). My wife was attracted to me because of that aspect of my personality (she calls me her Nice A$$hole).

But the control I have of my wife is not the control that a monarch or a dictator has. She has the freedom and will to go against me if what I am asking or doing is wrong in her eyes. She would rather me make the decisions and head the family. But, there have been times she disagreed with my choices and she had NO problems calling me out on it. We then discussed it together and worked through the problem. Many times, she showed me the error and we followed her lead.

I think the word control has a bad taste in a lot of peoples mouth. In a truly healthy relationship the control is given out of absolute trust, not taken or abused. But not all women want to be "controlled" just like not all men want to "lead". I think it's up to the individuals involved and their personalities.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

_*What is funny is YES, women seek these kinds of men relentlessly in their youth but they don't want the other side of him - when they are not as emotional , not wanting to stay home & cuddle hours on end, do not want to talk, want to hang with the guys. *_

Men are just as guilty too.

They seek out a hot piece of tail and boobs, not giving any consideration that this woman can be a thoughtful steward to the household or family and be the eventual emotional companion they need.

Not only that, it's not only about looks.

Ask any guy which they would rather have:

A. A frigid Cindy Crawford supermodel (I guess I am showing my age - she's retired)

or

B. Plain Jane in heat

and I'd lay $50.00 that 80% of men would choose B, including me. But sometimes men err and then what do they end up with? A nice piece of arm candy and a rejection every night, from Cindy Crawford.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I like your insights Scanner. Men & women are both guilty , we are often so blinded by LOVE (sometimes lust) and so invite disaster & heartache into our lives. 

I have a personal friend right now, she is beautiful physically, faithful incarnate, loving doting mother , good job, respected, but can not find, or will not allow herself to find new love. Such a great catch, but she continues to be obsessively in love with her X who has mistreated her for years, cheated on her repeatedly, ignored her, lied to her, gets her hopes up only to dash them again. 

She had ALL the warning signs before she married - but love can be so blind. She did it anyway, still after his 3rd divorce, she pines for him. She admittably hates how he treats her, it makes her feel so low, but still holds out hope , she waits for him, hoping for HIS change. Meanwhile life is passing her by while she cries at night alone. 

Oh the power of LOVE. 

I know the attraction, as I have heard her talk about him in bed, she knows no other will compare. Men have power over such women I guess. 

I am trying to break her spell, I have introduced her to one of my Good guy friends. Anxious to see what takes place.


----------



## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

A lot of men say things because they do not know their true feelings. My husband will deny being upset when he is angry, and he really believes himself! There are so many hormones released after orgasm, give him all the sex he wants to get him even more bonded with you. Oxytocin is released, and he will feel closer to you afterward, regardless of whether he can verbalize it.

I love him to take control in the bedroom, to take the lead, to move me around, do things to me. I love it, love it, love it! Probably 2 times out of 10 he lets me take control, and then I feel like he is my plaything. So I guess I am using him?


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

SA,

There is probably little you can do to change her ways. To her, desire/attraction IS love rather than what grows or is supposed to grow between 2 adults as they get older.

I will say I am surprised that being a tiger in bed can hold so much sway over your friend. Usually men are the one's to get "whipped" like that over sex.

I mean no man or woman wants a partner who is a dud in bed, of course. 

But I know even me, as much as I like sex, if the woman was a sexual dynamo in bed, after 6-12 months of spending me dry, not managing the household, pick any other quality, I'd have to give her the boot, you know?

It's a startling revelation that one day sex isn't everything.

That is to say, if I had a choice between two women (I love these mental exercises as you can see, lol):

A. Sexual dynamo, terrible @ being a mother, financial steward, emotional support
B. Good in bed, Great @ being mother, financial steward, emotionally supportive.

I'd pick B any day.

Now. . .change B to "terrible in bed". . .and now you've put me in an interesting spot


----------



## fumbling (Sep 7, 2010)

Thanks for the insight. I freaked out about the work control because there are many aspects of our marriage were he can be abit of a control freak. Since talking he has actually let me take back over some of the decision making in our household.


----------



## fumbling (Sep 7, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> As a woman I totally agree with this answer :iagree::iagree:
> 
> Your husband is most likely a higher testosterone male, I bet he "needs" sex ALOT, craves it , is dominant in bed, maybe wants his "space" alot when not having sex. Any of this true? If so, It is all because of the amount of Testosterone flowing through his system, which really he has no control over - unless he is taking enhancers. This hormone effects our minds too.
> 
> ...


----------



## fumbling (Sep 7, 2010)

Thanks. It was Crypsys I was sending my first reply to, it helped.


----------

