# My husband thinks that I dont love him because Im not affectionate.



## j3nn1fer

My husband and I have been having a difficult time recently.I have been extremely depressed and not wanting to be intimate at all or be touched by him what so ever. It has been over a month since our last encounter and I want to make him happy, but the thought of any kind of intimacy, just makes me want to gag. He tells me that I was totally different when we first got married which was only four years ago, but I have three children....the oldest is five now. My sex drive is non-exsistant now and I don't feel like its the most important thing in a relationship. He told me that is how men are,they relate love to sex and women relate companionship with love and no sex. I know that my husband will never divorce or the other way around because he doesn't believe in divorce, he believes in working issues out. But I am not attracted to him sexually at all or anyone else. I feel like it is just a hassle to be lovey dovey and I feel like he is extremely needy. He gets mad if I don't kiss him and say hi right when he walks through the door. I know the issues lie with me, but I really don't know what to do about. Do I just force myself to be more affectionate and be miserable or just stick my ground and be affectionate when I feel like it?


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## j3nn1fer

I also tried taking antidepressants and it didn't do anything for me and reduced my sex drive even more.


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## SadSamIAm

What makes you feel loved? 

Everyone has 'their' love language. For many men, it is physical touch. 

How would you feel if he didn't put any effort into what makes you feel loved?


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## Hope1964

There's a book called The 5 Love Languages that might help you guys.

You also sound burnt out. How much help do you get with the kids, house, etc?

And, the issues lie with BOTH of you, not just you.


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## tacoma

j3nn1fer said:


> My sex drive is non-exsistant now and I don't feel like its the most important thing in a relationship.


You are so very very wrong.



> He told me that is how men are,they relate love to sex and women relate companionship with love and no sex.


He is very very right.



> I know that my husband will never divorce or the other way around because he doesn't believe in divorce,


Damn, you`re wrong again!!




> ..he believes in working issues out.


We all do but what your not getting is that his idea of "working this out" is him getting intimate attention from his wife.Soooo...this isn`t going to work out until you get your sex drive back.
When he realizes this isn`t going to work out ever...then he`ll start believing in divorce.



> But I am not attracted to him sexually at all or anyone else. I feel like it is just a hassle to be lovey dovey and I feel like he is extremely needy. He gets mad if I don't kiss him and say hi right when he walks through the door. I know the issues lie with me, but I really don't know what to do about. Do I just force myself to be more affectionate and be miserable or just stick my ground and be affectionate when I feel like it?


I don`t know but the path you`re on leads to one of a few destinations.

-An utterly miserable life for your loyal non- believing in divorce husband and for you too by association.

-An affair, it`s usually the ones who won`t even consider divorce who rationalize an affair being better than destroying the family.
The affair usually destroys the family anyway but you can`t tell that to someone who is in an affair.

-Divorce.

Any of those looking good to you?

You better do something.


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## Tall Average Guy

j3nn1fer said:


> My husband and I have been having a difficult time recently.I have been extremely depressed and not wanting to be intimate at all or be touched by him what so ever. It has been over a month since our last encounter and I want to make him happy, but the thought of any kind of intimacy, just makes me want to gag. He tells me that I was totally different when we first got married which was only four years ago, but I have three children....the oldest is five now. My sex drive is non-exsistant now and I don't feel like its the most important thing in a relationship. He told me that is how men are,they relate love to sex and women relate companionship with love and no sex. I know that my husband will never divorce or the other way around because he doesn't believe in divorce, he believes in working issues out. But I am not attracted to him sexually at all or anyone else. I feel like it is just a hassle to be lovey dovey and I feel like he is extremely needy. He gets mad if I don't kiss him and say hi right when he walks through the door. I know the issues lie with me, but I really don't know what to do about. Do I just force myself to be more affectionate and be miserable or just stick my ground and be affectionate when I feel like it?


You need to figure out why your not sexually attracted to your husband, and then work with him to fix it. He is making it clear that this is a problem for him. If it is not a problem for you now, it will become a big one later if he leaves you.

So work to figure out why you are not attracted to him? Is it neediness, he does not help out, stress from the kids, medication, what? A physical might not be the worst idea. Then sit him down and work out a plan to fix it together.


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## Trying2figureitout

As a husband who is in a two years sexless marriage.... I implore you to find a solution. Otherwise your husband will end up like me with his sexless marraige on his mind 99.8% of the time. It affects EVERYTHING...how would you like to have your lousy sex life on your mind when driving, eating, typing, talking, watching tv, trying to sleep, playing with the kids.....

You need to find a way to have lots of sex with your husband

OR 

You need to divorce him

If he is honorable like me those are the only two options... give your husband a break... there is no other substitute but YOU. I feel my only recourse is to do a 180 to save my sanity. I'll make her leave me if needed anymore I don't care! I love my wife but will be fine without her if she keeps this junk up.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I'm just the opposite. I'd die or be very depressed if my husband wasn't affectionate towards me. He meets all my needs physically and emotionally. I do what I can to fulfill his needs. He certainly deserves everything for as much as he does for my family and I. 

You and your husband will start to resent one another if neither needs are met. A lot of times arguments will be frequent when the resentment builds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog

It sounds like you just don't like him very much on any level. Have always looked down on him?


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## rotor

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I'm just the opposite. I'd die or be very depressed if my husband wasn't affectionate towards me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So would the OP if the situation were reversed.


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## okeydokie

holding all the cards in a relationship doesnt really force one to try to improve things


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## j3nn1fer

Its not that I don't love my husband or respect him. I think he is a great husband and does anything for his family. He works hard so I can stay at home with my children and helps with them when he is at home all the time. I think that something is physically wrong with me. Last year we were all over each other and so in love. Now I just feel that if he left me, it wouldn't bother me one bit. Btw my husband said that he is not going to have an affair or divorce me because of this (he read all these comments), he said that he commends me for searching for an answer for it. I am really hard on myself and feel like a miserable heartless shrew! I have several appointments set up from physicals to therapy to work out these issues....so hopefully that will help. Will keep u updated!


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## j3nn1fer

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I'm just the opposite. I'd die or be very depressed if my husband wasn't affectionate towards me. He meets all my needs physically and emotionally. I do what I can to fulfill his needs. He certainly deserves everything for as much as he does for my family and I.
> 
> You and your husband will start to resent one another if neither needs are met. A lot of times arguments will be frequent when the resentment builds.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So if you think that your relationship is great with ur husband and he is a great guy, then why are u on here?? Sounds to me like your in a "perfect" relationship.


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## that_girl

Have you had your hormone levels checked?

Your testosterone levels could be low which can lead to these feelings. My friend had this issue after her 2nd child...after some months of testing, it was discovered that her testosterone was verrrryyyy low. After some months of this oil she rubbed on her arm twice a day, her sex/affection drive came back and after a few more months, they regulated themselves and she could stop the oil.

Just a thought.


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## j3nn1fer

tacoma said:


> You are so very very wrong.
> 
> 
> 
> He is very very right.
> 
> 
> 
> Damn, you`re wrong again!!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> We all do but what your not getting is that his idea of "working this out" is him getting intimate attention from his wife.Soooo...this isn`t going to work out until you get your sex drive back.
> When he realizes this isn`t going to work out ever...then he`ll start believing in divorce.
> 
> 
> 
> I don`t know but the path you`re on leads to one of a few destinations.
> 
> -An utterly miserable life for your loyal non- believing in divorce husband and for you too by association.
> 
> -An affair, it`s usually the ones who won`t even consider divorce who rationalize an affair being better than destroying the family.
> The affair usually destroys the family anyway but you can`t tell that to someone who is in an affair.
> 
> -Divorce.
> 
> Any of those looking good to you?
> 
> You better do something.


Actually our religion tells us that divorce is a sin. And of course an affair. My husband was a virgin when we married and he has a strict no divorce policy. He told me that no matter what I do, he would not divorce me. He would rather and I quote "castrate himself" to deal with his sexual frustration because he has waited all his life for me and he is not letting me go....till death do us part. And I also am the same way....if he cheated on me....I would be really hurt, but Im not going to divorce him because of it.....thats a cop out!


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## tacoma

j3nn1fer, your oldest child is 5, how old is your youngest?


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## j3nn1fer

tacoma said:


> j3nn1fer, your oldest child is 5, how old is your youngest?


I have a 5, 3, and 10 month old


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## j3nn1fer

I guess that stress is a big factor.... I am not only a stay at home mom, but I homeschool my 5 and 3 year as well as take college courses online to finish up my degree.


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## Trying2figureitout

j3nn1fer said:


> I guess that stress is a big factor.... I am not only a stay at home mom, but I homeschool my 5 and 3 year as well as take college courses online to finish up my degree.


Ya think?

Seriously that's a lot on your plate I feel for you. Have you asked your husband about a nanny to help out? I'm sure he'd be willing to foot the bill if it led to more time for you to feel more affectionate towards him.


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## YupItsMe

You need to deal with it because it is CRUEL not to meet your mans sexual needs. 

He is absolutely right about how a man connects with his wife. 

BTW what you said about affection is just wretched. There us clearly something biological wrong. 

Look into hormone therapy or your looking at a bsuted life and relationship bankrupt of pleasure


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## Trying2figureitout

:iagree: Do it before he cheats or does a 180 and makes an exit plan...it'd be good for the kids to have a father in the upcoming critical years...think of your kids they need a happy father!

Its not ALL ABOUT YOU...its also ABOUT YOUR SPOUSES NEEDS!


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## Catherine602

thanks for posting J3nn the fact that you are asking questions is excellent. Means you're not sure if your feeling are right and you are giving what your husband says some consideration. 

You may find some of the comments from some of the men are rather angry. These men are dealing with wives with similar problems to yours. If you do a search of the forum you will see hundreds of post from men who are in your husbands position. 

It may help to read the posts from Trying2figureitout and others. The sentiments they express are universal and you can be sure that it is exactly what your husband feels.

I was like you, I did not understand the role of sex in bonding and emotional connection for a man in love. I had no idea that for a man in a committed relationship with a woman they love, sex is the way they express their love and receive validation that they are loved. Strange but true. 

I read a few books that helped me understand and in addition, I read the post from men on the forum. His Needs, Her Needs is a good start. 

:redcard::redcard::redcard::redcard::redcard:

Please dont chase this lady away with nasty angry comments as some of you have done in the past. These are the women this forum needs to hear from. 

What she has to say is more valuable than trying to tell her how wrong she is. Remember, she is not your wives; unlike them, she is talking about her feelings and is willing to listen. 

This is your chance to learn what it's like from the other side. If you can't respond respectfully and with sensitivity then go away :bringiton: and let someone with more insight respond.


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## Trying2figureitout

Catherine602 said:


> thanks for posting J3nn the fact that you are asking questions is excellent. Means your not sure and you are considering what your husband is saying may be accurate.
> 
> You may find some of the comments rather angry from some of the men who are dealing with their wives with simular problems. If you do a search of the forum you will see hundreads of post from men who are in your husbands p;osition.
> 
> It may help to read the post from Trying2figureitout et al. The sentiments they express are universal and you can be sure that it is exactly what your husband feels.
> 
> I was like you, I did not understand the role of sex in bonding and emotional connection for a man in love. I had no idea that for a man in a committed relationship with a woman they love, sex is the way they express their love and receive validation that they are loved. Strange but true.
> 
> That is good to know and understand but does not help you get your drive back. There are many reason why you have a low labido, first and foremost is childcare and all that goes with it. Also the hormonal changes after birth is a factor.
> 
> I read two books that helped me understand and in addition, I read the post from men on the forum.
> 
> :redcard::redcard::redcard::redcard::redcard:
> 
> Please dont chase this lady away with nasty angry comments as some of you have done in the pass. These are the women this forum needs to hear from.
> 
> What she has to say is more valuable than trying to tell her how wrong she is. Remember, she is not your wives; unlike them, she is talking about her feelings and is willing to listen.
> 
> This is your chance to learn what it's like from the other side. If you can't respond respectfully and with sensitivity then go away :bringiton: and let someone with more foresight respond.


Catherine what were the other books?


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## Catherine602

Sorry Trying I had to look them up here they are "For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men" and "For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women" by Shanti and Jeff Feldhahn- these were the first books I read and I was astonished to learn that sex meant anything but fun and pleasure to men. 

Prior to reading these books and joining TAM my thoughts went something like this (would never say to my husband because I respect him too much and he would not tolerate any sh!t anyway) 

"grow up, we have kids now; fun and games were fine when we didn't have kids to worry about; why cant you control yourself, cant you see how exhausted I am; how can you be so selfish, I want to have some time to myself without someone touching me." You get the picture. 

Had I known how painful my rejection was and how unloved he felt, I would never have done that to him. I think the realization and understanding was the first step.

Sex IN NOT a peripheral disposable component of marriage - it is the essence of love in a committed monogamous relationship.


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## morituri

j3nn1fer, as a man I commend and respect that you are seeking help with this issue. It is not easy for either you, a woman, nor for the man you love and care about, your husband. But it shows how much you love and care for the man you chose to be your husband.

Being a man, I can totally relate to your husband wanting to use sex to emotionally connect to you. It is part of our nature as men and we feel devalued (just like women are in similar situations) when we are rejected by the one we love above all others.

If you haven't done so, I would urge you to sit down with your husband and lovingly tell him repeatedly and on a daily basis that there is no other man that you would want to make love to. That he is the one you chose to be the your lover for the rest of your life and that other women you know would like to have a man like him as their lover. Sometimes these words alone can help a husband tremendously to feel empathy for his wife's temporary plight.

I would urge you to listen to Catherine's advise. Like you she is a woman who has passed through a stage similar to yours and has gained great insight that you could benefit from. Similarly, I would be more than happy to converse with your husband if he so wishes.

I wish you and your husband all the best.


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## Stonewall

Until you figure it out you need to accommodate him anyway. If I had a dollar for every time my W or I did something the other wanted or needed while not being interested; I would be rich. Taking care of the others need is what marriage is all about plus I'm sure your religion supports serving others.


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## okeydokie

Catherine602 said:


> I was like you, I did not understand the role of sex in bonding and emotional connection for a man in love. I had no idea that for a man in a committed relationship with a woman they love, sex is the way they express their love and receive validation that they are loved. Strange but true.


why is it strange? 


i also commend the OP for seeking answers, i hope she finds a solution


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## uphillbattle

You gave birth only 10 months ago, I am supprised nobody has brought up PPD. You need to see about therapy and get into the doctor to make sure it's nothing phyical. 
You have a ton on your plate, trying to scale a bit if that back would probibly do wonders for you by its self. Maybe take a semester away from school, hire a maid, or a toutor for home shcooling if only for a couple of months.
This is something that does need to be addressed but it's great that you have recognized this and are reaching out. Many women don't see it as being a problem they need to deal with until a TON of resentment has been built up on both sides.
Hang in there, if he sees you are making an honest effort to fix this and not just a token effort it will most likely lead to him being a bit more patiant. If he sees you are barley making an effort or if you stop at only words he will eventualy resent the hell out of you.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

j3nn1fer said:


> So if you think that your relationship is great with ur husband and he is a great guy, then why are u on here?? Sounds to me like your in a "perfect" relationship.


Why not? There are so many thngs I need to learn to become a better wife. My husband deserves that. It's takes a lot of effort with both parties to make a great relationship. It doesn't come easy.

My first husband abused and was unfaithful to me. It wasn't always so perfect. 

I'm very lucky to have met my current husband, there are not too many men like him. I broke my neck 3 years ago and he stuck around even though I'm currently disabled.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mr.miketastic

j3nn1fer said:


> Actually our religion tells us that divorce is a sin. And of course an affair. My husband was a virgin when we married and he has a strict no divorce policy. *He told me that no matter what I do, he would not divorce me. He would rather and I quote "castrate himself" to deal with his sexual frustration *because he has waited all his life for me and he is not letting me go....till death do us part. And I also am the same way....if he cheated on me....I would be really hurt, but Im not going to divorce him because of it.....thats a cop out!


That's why you are not sexually attracted to him. He's a doormat. Basically he's a beta-male. I know from personal experience that women react to an alpha-male. Oh sure, you can say you don't like men like that, but I have found women say that to keep from hurting their husband's feelings when on the inside, an alpha-male makes them gooey on the inside.

Your man needs to man up. It has worked for me and countless other men as well.


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## Laurae1967

Honey, you are depressed and that is why you are feeling this way. Sometimes you have to try several different types of anti-depressants, or a combination of them, to get your brain chemistry to balance out. Keep trying with the meds. Don't use a primary care doctor to get your meds. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist, who specializes in medication management. Your PCP isn't a specialist in this area.

You also need therapy. Studies have shown that taking AD meds without therapy is not very effective. Find a psychologist who will be better trained than the average therapist and begin working on your depression with them. It will really, really help.

Also, I would stop any use of illegal drugs and all alcohol. Anti-depressents don't work well if you are drinking at all. Alcohol is a depressant. I would also start exercising every day - walking, running, going to the gym, swimming....anything that gets your heart rate up. Try to work up to an hour a day. Exercise is a great anti-depressant. It may be hard to get motivated to start doing it, but once you find something that you like, it can really help you feel better. For some, exercise works better than an anti-depressant.

You cannot afford to do nothing about this problem and you CAN feel better. You need to feel better so you can live a happier life and be a better mother to your children and a better wife to your husband.

There is also a really good book called The Feeling Good Handbook, which is a great book about cognitive distortions and how dysfunctional ways of thinking can make you depressed and anxious. The book does not take the place of therapy, but it's a good resource along with therapy.


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## gonefishin

j3mmifer

First, Do not be fooled that your husband does not believe in divorce. I know you care or you would not be posting in this forum.

I say this because no one wants a divorce, however if a spouse is not happy husband or wife trouble is right around the corner.

Start finding common ground with your husband. There must be one activity that you both enjoy. Hiking, baseball, movies and so on.

Do not blame your husband and say he is needy. He has needs and if you do not meet those needs, someday someone else will. It is that simple.

It is nice to hear that you are not on medication. I think we all have highs and lows and we all need to work through these highs and lows without popping pills.

Life is a choice. You are either going to choose to be happy and have a great marriage or be unhappy and make everyone around you feel absolutly misreable.


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## Hicks

mr.miketastic said:


> That's why you are not sexually attracted to him. He's a doormat. Basically he's a beta-male. I know from personal experience that women react to an alpha-male. Oh sure, you can say you don't like men like that, but I have found women say that to keep from hurting their husband's feelings when on the inside, an alpha-male makes them gooey on the inside.
> 
> Your man needs to man up. It has worked for me and countless other men as well.


Agree totally.

Generally speaking, women don't "value" sex. Men value sex greatly. If you as his wife are not being sexual toward him you better believe totally that he feels you don't love or care about him. Now, thinking back to when you were feeling sexual, there was a reason this was the case. It was because you wanted to attract a husband, followed by you wanted to make babies.

Now that your husband told you he would rather castrate himself, and you are not in baby making mode, your sex drive has predictably died. He took off the table any motivation for you his woman to be sexual toward him, which would be to keep her family intact and her life happy.

Regardless of what your husband says about no divorce, no affairs and the like, the fact of the matter is no man is strong enough to resist the sexual force that runs inside him due to Testosterone. If he is not sexually fulfilled he will seek sexual fulfillment in one of the following ways: Divorce, Affair, Prostitutes, or Pornography. A married man will not be able to live a celibate life. God did not make men this way, and did not ordain your marriage to be celibate and non sexual.

What you have to wrap your mind around is that the role of spouse in a marriage is to meet their spouse's needs. And a person can gain great happiness and fulfillment in life by building a mutually fulfilling marriage which in turn creates great happiness inside themselves along with wonderful, happy and well adjusted children. In other words, you must connect his sexual fulfillment to your own happiness and your chilrens well being, and this will restore your motivation that was lost after the children came and he figuratively castrated himself.


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## Laurae1967

Pills alone do not beat depression. Therapy and exercise are HUGELY important in alleviating depression.

However, depression is a medical condition that causes real and documented changes in the brain. AD meds can be a lifesaver for some people. 

Fonefishin - your overly simplistic statement "just choose to be happy" is not very helpful. People don't choose to be miserable and many people are doing the best they can with the skills and emotional resources they have. That is why therapy is so important; it helps teach people new ways of thinking that are healthier and can help create that necessary shift to get people out of their rut. Medicine can sometimes play a role in making this happen.

Life is not black and white.


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## Halien

j3nn1fer said:


> My husband and I have been having a difficult time recently.I have been extremely depressed and not wanting to be intimate at all or be touched by him what so ever. It has been over a month since our last encounter and I want to make him happy, but the thought of any kind of intimacy, just makes me want to gag. He tells me that I was totally different when we first got married which was only four years ago, but I have three children....the oldest is five now. My sex drive is non-exsistant now and I don't feel like its the most important thing in a relationship. He told me that is how men are,they relate love to sex and women relate companionship with love and no sex. I know that my husband will never divorce or the other way around because he doesn't believe in divorce, he believes in working issues out. But I am not attracted to him sexually at all or anyone else. I feel like it is just a hassle to be lovey dovey and I feel like he is extremely needy. He gets mad if I don't kiss him and say hi right when he walks through the door. I know the issues lie with me, but I really don't know what to do about. Do I just force myself to be more affectionate and be miserable or just stick my ground and be affectionate when I feel like it?


j3nn1fer,

Through your posts, its obvious that you love your husband and care for his needs, and I can only imagine how much courage it took to raise this issue on a place like this. Based on what you said about your husband, he also knows that this situation is making you miserable. I'm sorry for the pain this is putting the two of you through.

My wife struggles with depression, and I can only reinforce that the symptoms are not as simple as people often think. It literally saps the positive energy from your life. Don't quit trying to find the treatment that works for you.

Some of the changes that I can recommend affect both you and your husband, and I'll comment on them because you said that he reads some of these.

Through my wife's depression, we learned that its important to break the monotony on a regular basis. You need 'j3nn1fer' days, days and events that you look forward to, that promise hope in a real and tangible way. Something you love doing, even if it is with your husband. For my wife, it was weekends on our corporate floor of a local luxury hotel. One floor was devoted to my company, and we get a budget price for a 5 star retreat. Maybe its the park and outdoors for you. It has to be places that make you laugh and happy, and with a regularity that you can look forward to. Make it happen.

The other is aimed at your husband. From learning about other men on this site, I realize that all of us struggle with settling into routines, Fortunately, I made a mental connection early in my wife's history with depression. I found that if I challenged myself to be an alpha male when it came to loving her, it really helped to lift her from the depressive spell, at least long enough for an amazing connection for both of us. Expecting a greeting when coming home is fine, but what happens if he guides you into a corner when he gets home, kissing you like he hasn't seen you for months? And its obvious that his goal is you, and not sex? Through never settling for normal, boring, he can help you through these depressive turns. You obviously feel numb emotionally, but passion will break through this numbness. If he would challenge himself to make sex his second priority on his list of 'wants', and moving passion with intensity to number one, it might show him exactly what has been missing in many relationships like this.

I'm not suggesting that his needs should be inferior to yours. Men really need sex to connect. But your depression is his depression too. It affects him. A strong couple can adjust our personal needs long enough to learn how to get through the hard times. Its obvious that you love him very much, and would very likely do the same for him.

I really wish you the best in this.


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## Mrs. T

Catherine602 said:


> thanks for posting J3nn the fact that you are asking questions is excellent. Means you're not sure if your feeling are right and you are giving what your husband says some consideration.
> 
> You may find some of the comments from some of the men are rather angry. These men are dealing with wives with similar problems to yours. If you do a search of the forum you will see hundreds of post from men who are in your husbands position.
> 
> It may help to read the posts from Trying2figureitout and others. The sentiments they express are universal and you can be sure that it is exactly what your husband feels.
> 
> I was like you, I did not understand the role of sex in bonding and emotional connection for a man in love. I had no idea that for a man in a committed relationship with a woman they love, sex is the way they express their love and receive validation that they are loved. Strange but true.
> 
> I read a few books that helped me understand and in addition, I read the post from men on the forum. His Needs, Her Needs is a good start.
> 
> :redcard::redcard::redcard::redcard::redcard:
> 
> Please dont chase this lady away with nasty angry comments as some of you have done in the past. These are the women this forum needs to hear from.
> 
> What she has to say is more valuable than trying to tell her how wrong she is. Remember, she is not your wives; unlike them, she is talking about her feelings and is willing to listen.
> 
> This is your chance to learn what it's like from the other side. If you can't respond respectfully and with sensitivity then go away :bringiton: and let someone with more insight respond.


Thank you Catherine!! Several months ago I deleted a thread that I started for that very reason. Several posters were very judgemental and rude. Since then I have come back here often to read other posts but rarely give my input. One of the things that drew me originally to this site was the feeling that you were among friends here who were trying to help out...but there are a few that don't seem to respond in the spirit of helping


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## Trying2figureitout

gonefishin said:


> j3mmifer
> 
> First, Do not be fooled that your husband does not believe in divorce. I know you care or you would not be posting in this forum.
> 
> I say this because no one wants a divorce, however if a spouse is not happy husband or wife trouble is right around the corner.
> 
> Start finding common ground with your husband. There must be one activity that you both enjoy. Hiking, baseball, movies and so on.
> 
> Do not blame your husband and say he is needy. He has needs and if you do not meet those needs, someday someone else will. It is that simple.
> 
> It is nice to hear that you are not on medication. I think we all have highs and lows and we all need to work through these highs and lows without popping pills.
> 
> Life is a choice. You are either going to choose to be happy and have a great marriage or be unhappy and make everyone around you feel absolutly misreable.


:iagree:

I never believed in Divorce , now I do. Divorce was the furthest thought from my mind two years ago, this even with a low sex life of only 15 times per year on average (at least it was regular). Now it seems a very real possibility... I finally get why the divorce rate is sky high. Do I think it'll happen...NO. Would I care if it happens...yes but I'd be happy in a way. It would ease my mind and I could move on confidently. I know my wife does all sorts of things for me to show love...but all of that falls on deaf ears as long as she is withholding sex from me. One negative that hits me where it hurts ruins he whole thing. I could accept almost ANYTHING else but this! She has taken away my favorite thing to do. Obviously I'm not a sex addict... in fact I fully accepted a regular low sex life to ease up on my wife. The problem occurred when she took it below the minimum for me (monthly)...when the regularity left. Now it is MY biggest issue I will ever face. I cannot and I will not shut off my sex drive it's beneficial for my wife. Castration is not an option! Sex drive is a GOOD thing.

Your husband is a beta like I am... Intellectually I agree with him that marriage means I'm committed to my wife no matter what "for better and for worse" I won't cheat I only want my wife. The problem is the sex drive is not intellectual ... so I'm constantly fighting a battle almost like and angle on one shoulder and a devil on the other. There days I can easily envision life without my wife and blowing up my family over this... I would give my pets away (One I've had since age 10). It is a huge deal. So far my intellect has prevailed and I do believe my wife and I will solve this. That will only happen when SHE decides that she is part of the issue. We are slowly getting there.

One thing you could do until you find a solution is to let your husband know what you are doing about it always. My wife says nothing only "I'm trying" but I see no results or any evidence of trying at all.. It would be great if she gave me updates but she doesn't...that just adds to the stress "not knowing".

Now here's the kicker... I will NOT accept anymore 15 times per year. I will not be happy until we find a workable middle... That should be WEEKLY (36-52 times). So my wife in essence by pulling this stunt now will have me constantly working her towards that middle. Why? Because its necessary for a happy marriage. She in effect solidified my position on this. Or she gets frustrated and leaves me... either way I win in the end. I simply am not acceptable to a "sexless" marriage. Sexless defined clinically at 10 or less per year.


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## Enchantment

Hi j3nn1fer ~

The fact that you state you are 'severely depressed' and feel that something is 'physically wrong' with you is your number one thing to focus on at this point. And it should be your husband's number one priority to help support you so that you can get some help for this. So, get thee to a doctor immediately for evaluation of depression and PPD. Don't give up on trying to find a treatment just because one thing you try doesn't work. It can take some time to turn things around and find out what will work for you.

In the meantime, try and take care of yourself as best you can. It sounds like you have a lot of stressors in your life and likely have very little time to yourself, and if you do, you are likely burned out and tired. So, try and start carving out some bits of time that are just for you - your husband can be a big help in trying to help you with the kids so you can have some free bits of time. Try and fill these bits of time with activities that make you feel good if you can - take a short walk everyday, maybe even with only the hubby, take a bubble bath, take a nap.

I think if your husband can see that you do care enough to make some effort to try and resolve your depression and lethargy, it will go a long way. So, as hard as it may seem to do, please follow-up on this aspect of it with the appropriate medical care pronto.

I'm not going to talk to you about "meeting needs" because at this point I think there may be a very real physical issue with you that needs to be addressed first. I hope that you can start to work that angle of it and begin to feel better again (btw, Laurae had some excellent advice for you there.)

Let us know how you get along and when the time is right for you, I hope you will come back for additional discussion. I admire you for reaching out for advice and support as to do so is so difficult for many people. 

God Bless.


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## Ten_year_hubby

j3nn1fer,

This is a big post and has a lot in common with my own situation. Our kids are now 9, 7 and 6. Maybe our experiences can help you better understand a couple things you share.



j3nn1fer said:


> I feel like it is just a hassle to be lovey dovey and I feel like he is extremely needy.


Of course it's a hassle to be lovey dovey but we all have to do things that are a hassle. You take care of your kids alright and I'm sure that kids can be a hassle, I know mine can. So you are able do things that are a hassle. If you can do for your kids and not for your husband, you are putting them ahead of him and this will ultimately sink your boat. Kids are very important, but your spouse has to be most important. If you're tapped out from the kids then you need to do a little less for them and have something left to give to your husband.

Judging your husband to be extremely needy is not a feeling, it is a judgement. Your husband needs what he needs and it is not your position to decide for him how much need is OK and how much is extreme. I might guess that you meant to say you feel that he needs more than you can give. Take a little of yourself away from the kids.



j3nn1fer said:


> I know the issues lie with me


This is self indulgent. Whatever issues there are in any marriage, the issues lie with both persons, more or less equally. No marriage partner has the franchise on issues. Any kind of medical labeling or lay diagnosis diffuses attention from the couple to an individual and is counterproductive as you can clearly see from a lot of the responses to this thread.



j3nn1fer said:


> Do I just force myself to be more affectionate and be miserable or just stick my ground and be affectionate when I feel like it?


This depends on whether or not you truly want improvement. People feel the way they act, not the other way around. If you wait until you feel like it, you will be waiting forever. Take action, don't wait. If you act like you are affectionate, you will eventually feel affectionate. I'm sure you are acting and feeling miserable now, you describe this very well. Acting affectionate will not make you feel more miserable (if that is even possible), it can only make you feel more affectionate which I hope is your goal.


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## Trying2figureitout

:iagree:

I asked my wife just recently if she was "happy" with our marriage she said no not always... I reported the same. This after two years of consistent loving affectionate one-sided efforts. A husband can only do so much. It takes two.

My wife is "unhappy" with the situation that she can't seem to solve at this point. She loves me, she wants to stay married, she wants to solve this, she talks about our future, she says its no longer me its all her... shes unhappy because she knows its her.

I would have thought the exact opposite... she is getting a sex vacation, a husband who is trying his best. In the end its HER that's making HER unhappy. My wife is coming around but until she finds a solution to allow regular sex back into our lives she WILL NEVER BE HAPPY. She needs to make me happy so she can feel happy. Its a vicious cycle. I'm patient and upbeat and happy... its her causing her own unhappiness. just think how YOU feel when you make others happy. Feels good right? You CAN make your husband very happy... that in turn makes you happy. Break the unhappy cycle.

There is nothing I can do...than what I'm doing. It has to come from her. So I feel for you... I know first hand the struggles women go through. I would suggest that unlike my wife you seek out professionals to help. It does not seem to me that working on it alone is enough that just extends the pain... go outside yourself. There is help.

You are NOT abnormal. This is common. Already you have done more than my wife ever did by coming here for advice. Your decision is sound we won't lie to you. Most of us have the same issues. Use our advice...it's to help you. I have two years under my belt dealing with this we tend to know how to help.

Good Luck


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## Catherine602

I think I may have insulted some posters by my zeal to welcome this poster to keep up the dialogue. 

I am sorry I did not mean to seem like a know-it-all. Of course everyone has a right to express their feelings as they please. I was concerned that the OP would be frightened away by harsh comments. I have seen it too many times before. 

She is the type of poster we need on TAM. We need to hear what she has to say. We need to work at knocking down her defenses and helping her to see the light. If it can happen here then it is inspiration to the men and women dealing with this problem. 

I have gotten many PM's from women who will not post because they see the hostility of communication is by some people. 

They lurk and try to solve their problem by reading but the never get the chance to have a dialogue because they fear the anger. A post on this thread pointed to that. 

This is a wonderful community of people. We have room to welcome more though. Women who have low libido should have a safe place to go to express their feelings. They don't. They are not inherently evil but confused and need guidance. They are sensitive because they are troubled by their feelings. 

I am not trying to control anything but suggesting that by toning it down, she may keep posting and be helped. It will inspire other women like her to post and be helped.


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## Trying2figureitout

Agree Catherine.... I know I'm guilty sometimes of letting my frustrations show. I need to not do that as much. It's just this hits at the male core. 

I promise to be more gentile with future low libido females. Its not all one-sided. Thanks for posting that.


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## Catherine602

J3nn keep posting your honest feelings. Read the books and try to step into your husbands shoes. Also take the time to tread the heartfelt post by men who are going through this with their wives. You cannot read these post and not come out a changed person. 

God made your husband a man and He made him perfect, just like you. Like most men, his sexual desire is stronger and more resilient that most women. In a way I think it is to remind us women that we are more than mothers but that we are beloved woman too. 

We work so hard to attract the right man for love and commitment. We happily enjoy sex and affection with him and welcome the promise of life with him and having kids. 

Then life happens and we forget how we got into the relationship and who laid down this fest of home and kids and security along with us. That guy coming and going doing the best he can to take care of his family and to love his wife. 

Many men are desperately lonely waiting for their wives to turn to them with some recognition of their pivotal role in the family. Also with the recognition that they are perfect in God's eyes and not wrong for wanting to have the love and affection and sex with their wives. 

If you only knew how your husband suffers. Keep posting and learning. Let him know that you are going to hit this problem hard until you both solve it.


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## Catherine602

Trying2figureitout said:


> Agree Catherine.... I know I'm guilty sometimes of letting my frustrations show. I need to not do that as much. It's just this hits at the male core.
> 
> I promise to be more gentile with future low libido females. Its not all one-sided. Thanks for posting that.


It's not you Trying and I do think that you and everyone should express your frustration any way you need. This is your forum too. I wish some of the men would provide links to their post outlining what their lives are like and invite J3nn to read them and comment back on this thread.

It would help to know why the men are so distraught. It comes off as angry, enraged sometimes, it helps to know where it came from. Makes it more understandable.


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## SimplyAmorous

j3nn1fer said:


> Actually our religion tells us that divorce is a sin. And of course an affair. My husband was a virgin when we married and he has a strict no divorce policy. He told me that no matter what I do, he would not divorce me. He would rather and I quote "castrate himself" to deal with his sexual frustration because he has waited all his life for me and he is not letting me go....till death do us part.



I gotta be honest, when I read this part, an anger rose up inside of me.......then my heart bled for your husband, a man who saved himself, took on 2 children that was not his own....a man who waited for his bride..... a good man. For him to even utter words such as these is such a cry of desperation, how much more he deserves your love, your caring of how he is feeling. 

Religiious beliefs may keep a good man within a marraige, but it by no means- means he will be a happy thriving man full of the Godly potential & zeal he had on his wedding day, with such hopes & dreams....without you getting help to overcome here and NOW ...this will cripple him and reduce him to misery- as if in a prison- daily. His resentment will be the same as the sinners, you can count on that. 

Following religious rules also does not give us a *heart*. It can turn it into a heart of stone if we are not careful-to put ourselves in the others shoes, and take our spouses love for granted. 


I am curious about the sexual attraction part in all of this, you as much said in your opening post you are not sexually attracted to him -but then added anyone else either. Was you sexually attracted to him when you married him at least? Or was he just one of those "good guys" who would treat you right and you settled - maybe even this has contributed to some of your depression? 

What do you feel has brought this depression on ? Post pardom - not treated ? Being overwhelmed ? Can you drop the classes for now and pick up again when the kids are in school? Why not have the 5 yr old in the local kidnergarten instead of Homeschooling ? WHy take on so very much ? 

When we take the time to bring back the emotional connection within our marraiges, with intimacy, you will feel on top of this world, this should be the height of your priorities right now, this has the potential to even alleviate depression on it's own. Unless you have a genetic pre-disposition to it of coarse. 

When you see your doctor, mention *Wellbutrin* to him, it is the one anti-depressant that accually BOOSTS the libido, works for many women, read these experiences Depression Forum - Increased Sex Drive On Wellbutrin Xl? !! Stuides that proven this, it increases dopamine in the patient. Then you will get a taste of how your husband is feeling (and very deeply) and want to cry yourself for putting him through all of this.

A man NEEDS his wife's touch, give it to him today.


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## LovesHerMan

Catherine:

Thank you for reminding everyone that their advice is supposed to help the OP, not attack them. I sometimes feel like this is the Jerry Springer show, with people enjoying the mockery of the OP's problems. If you don't have anything helpful to say, or if your experience does not relate to the situation, move on to the next thread! I dislike the people who chime in that their sex life is great when the OP is struggling with theirs, or those who make assumptions about the OP's situation.


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## YupItsMe

Mrs. T said:


> Thank you Catherine!! Several months ago I deleted a thread that I started for that very reason. Several posters were very judgemental and rude. Since then I have come back here often to read other posts but rarely give my input. One of the things that drew me originally to this site was the feeling that you were among friends here who were trying to help out...but there are a few that don't seem to respond in the spirit of helping




I am sorry to hear that you felt so strongly about that that you felt the need to delete and that you are holding back. I would encourage you to reconsider.

This is an emotional place for good reason. Cooler heads prevail sure, but if you consider the very likely well meaning source of some responses is likely from someone that has just suffered one of the most severe, stressful and traumatic events in their lifetime.

None of us here would wish any pain on someone already suffering. 

It is also human nature for some to maybe dish out a little crap to someone we totally disagree with especially when it hits a very sore spot. 

Please dont take it personally when someone gets a little grumpy. If you look closely, most of those types of responses are a defense mechanism called displacement. The example used in psych class is coming home and kicking the dog because someone had a bad day.

The dog of course did nothing but that wasnt considered. Its venting up the wrong tree sure. Just remember that and the perhaps undeserved blow isnt so hard to take. 

The other consideration is that we are usually asking for opinions and comparing notes for all of our benefit. 

If we shut off our participation a form of self censorship is taking place and TAM becomes a less rich, less helpful place. 

That would be a shame for it to come to that for the sake of avoiding a little undeserved heat.

I for one will value your contributions going forward :smthumbup:


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## Trying2figureitout

Catherine602 said:


> It's not you Trying and I do think that you and everyone should express your frustration any way you need. This is your forum too. I wish some of the men would provide links to their post outlining what their lives are like and invite J3nn to read them and comment back on this thread.
> 
> It would help to know why the men are so distraught. It comes off as angry, enraged sometimes, it helps to know where it came from. Makes it more understandable.


Here is a link where I summarize my personal sex drive and the effects it has on me (Half way down the page is one post, 3rd from bottom another)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/34946-question-men-how-often-do-you-need-want-sex.html


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## Unsure in Seattle

j3nn1fer said:


> So if you think that your relationship is great with ur husband and he is a great guy, then why are u on here?? Sounds to me like your in a "perfect" relationship.


Why are you lashing out at someone offering you advice? I don't think she was attacking you in any way.

I hope you and your husband can get thru your problems.


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## j3nn1fer

I appreciate any advice that you guys give and today was not a good day. I told my husband that I wanted to pack my bags and leave because I was so miserable and maybe we would be better separate until we went to our couples therapy appointment next week. He wanted me to go to his family's house for holiday dinner tomorrow. I didn't want to because I really don't care for his family too much because they cant respect boundaries and thats another story. I really just wanted to stay home by myself and not face that drama tomorrow. My husband came home and we talked for awhile about a few things and hopefully that will help until next week. Needless to say Im still at home hanging by a thread. BTW I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs and Im doing the best I can with my kids and this situation....Please only post useful advice.....divorce is not an answer for me or my husband and I don't treat him like a doormat!


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## j3nn1fer

Unsure in Seattle said:


> Why are you lashing out at someone offering you advice? I don't think she was attacking you in any way.
> 
> I hope you and your husband can get thru your problems.


Because she was telling me that I should be grateful for a husband like him....she doesn't know him or what intimate issues we have. Sometimes a great personality doesnt make up for a nonexsistant sex life....


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## Trying2figureitout

j3nn1fer said:


> I appreciate any advice that you guys give and today was not a good day. I told my husband that I wanted to pack my bags and leave because I was so miserable and maybe we would be better separate until we went to our couples therapy appointment next week. He wanted me to go to his family's house for holiday dinner tomorrow. I didn't want to because I really don't care for his family too much because they cant respect boundaries and thats another story. I really just wanted to stay home by myself and not face that drama tomorrow. My husband came home and we talked for awhile about a few things and hopefully that will help until next week. Needless to say Im still at home hanging by a thread. BTW I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs and Im doing the best I can with my kids and this situation....Please only post useful advice.....divorce is not an answer for me or my husband and I don't treat him like a doormat!


Wish you well J3nn1fer.. you have a lot to think about since divorce is not an option take time to care for yourself perhaps a break from each other will help...don't let the holidays bring you down. Take care. Just remember no one died and time can heal all wounds. Good luck.


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## SadSamIAm

Obviously there must be some intimate issues you haven't shared with everyone. 

How do you expect to get good advice when you haven't told the entire story?


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## Catherine602

j3nn1fer said:


> I appreciate any advice that you guys give and today was not a good day. I told my husband that I wanted to pack my bags and leave because I was so miserable and maybe we would be better separate until we went to our couples therapy appointment next week. He wanted me to go to his family's house for holiday dinner tomorrow. I didn't want to because I really don't care for his family too much because they cant respect boundaries and thats another story. I really just wanted to stay home by myself and not face that drama tomorrow. My husband came home and we talked for awhile about a few things and hopefully that will help until next week. Needless to say Im still at home hanging by a thread. BTW I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs and Im doing the best I can with my kids and this situation....Please only post useful advice.....divorce is not an answer for me or my husband and I don't treat him like a doormat!


J3nn would it help to tell what is going on? Why do you want to leave so suddenly? the more info you give the more help you will get. What happened today?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous

j3nn1fer said:


> Because she was telling me that I should be grateful for a husband like him....she doesn't know him or what intimate issues we have. Sometimes a great personality doesnt make up for a nonexsistant sex life....


I have had poeple tell me to be thankful for my husband and sometimes I needed to hear it --in the past. 

With very little said about your husband other than he would never leave you no matter what you do, it is hard for the rest of us to see that "other side"- you mention here for the 1st time. 

You have painted yourself as hurting your husband -admittedly- and him as suffering. I do admire that you acknowledged it was your problem -even if it still bothered me and I felt bad for him. 

What is the rest of the story , *what has he DONE to bring you to this place? * THat would make all the difference in the world in how many answer.. 

It makes all the sense in the world if the man is mistreating his wife, she doesn't feel loved & valued, maybe he never listens to you? for example --that she might even fall into depression & not want anything to do with him. This happens alot in marriages. How has he contributed to this breakdown, what did you need from him the MOST that he did not give to you -that led you to getting more depressed and pushing away more and more to where you then found yourself repulsed by him. 

What would you say he could DO to make you want to get closer to him?

Does he side with his family over you -I seen where you said they can not respect boundaries?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

j3nn1fer said:


> Because she was telling me that I should be grateful for a husband like him....she doesn't know him or what intimate issues we have. Sometimes a great personality doesnt make up for a nonexsistant sex life....


Never in a million years would I say that to you. I was simply implying that I was the one who has your husband feelings/traits. That's all. I'm very sorry for the misunderstanding. Your correct, I have no clue what your issues are, you didn't care to elaborate in this particular post. However, I do have a right to be on this site just as anyone else does. I've lived through some really rough times. My ex husband almost killed my daughter and I when in a rage after holding us hostage for hours in my apartment when I snuck the keys and got free. That is just one small example what I've been through. My ex was very abusive. It always wasn't so perfect. I was sexually abused as a child, which I've completely forgotten about since a recent thread on this site and now I'm wondering if I need to tell my husband due to the memories keep replaying through my head. Ect... Life is never "easy" per say. I broke my neck 3 years ago and now I'm forced to live in severe pain 24/7 of my life. I'm disabled and unable to leave the house. Sorry, for all the info, but I have a lot to deal with myself as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toolate

Catherine602 said:


> Sorry Trying I had to look them up here they are "For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men" and "For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women" by Shanti and Jeff Feldhahn- these were the first books I read and I was astonished to learn that sex meant anything but fun and pleasure to men.
> 
> Prior to reading these books and joining TAM my thoughts went something like this (would never say to my husband because I respect him too much and he would not tolerate any sh!t anyway)
> 
> "grow up, we have kids now; fun and games were fine when we didn't have kids to worry about; why cant you control yourself, cant you see how exhausted I am; how can you be so selfish, I want to have some time to myself without someone touching me." You get the picture.
> 
> Had I known how painful my rejection was and how unloved he felt, I would never have done that to him. I think the realization and understanding was the first step.
> 
> Sex IN NOT a peripheral disposable component of marriage - it is the essence of love in a committed monogamous relationship.


Thank you for sharing your raw comments. That is the kind of real life assessment from that other side that I need to read about. You actually were unaware of how hurtful those things were, maybe my husband doesnt know (even though I tell him how hurtful they are... he says many of the same things plus worse to me that you wrote here). May I ask how you didnt know those comments were hurtful? Or bc you didnt know is there no way to answer that? Thanks!


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## JustAMan2

I am a husband that was sexually ignored for years. My wife's "reasons" were due to her unresolved (and undisclosed) childhood sexual abuse.

I can tell you as a man/husband that it is devestating. It is not JUST SEX. It's the way we connect most strongly with our wives. It's the way we feel the most loved. It's the way we become "better".

There is man. Sex makes us man 2.0 version (new, improved, better as a man/husband/father/friend).

I would say from my experience that the #1 thing I needed from my wife to resolve our issues was honesty!! Yes, the truth can hurt, but don't stop being honest with your husband. Talk about things in terms of how you feel, or how things MAKE you feel. Tell him honestly what his role is in helping you. Where EXACTLY you need his love/support and EXACTLY what that looks like.

I wish you all the best.


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## sinnister

Obviously you love your husband or you wouldn't be here. So there is hope.

I'm on the other side in my personal life so I can't offer any advice.

I can offer prayer and encouragement. I hope you guys work it out.


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## tjohnson

God bless you for reaching out. Many women don't care enough to do so. 

Try where possible to not take the attacks personally understand where some of these men are coming from.

In fairness (with a 10 mo old and all you have going on...) I think you deserve SOME slack. FWIW when my wife had raging hormones (not in a good way) following the birth of our children i did what i did when i was 15 to relieve things. Not perfect but, nothing is perfect. 

That said understand and try to read what some of the men are saying. Your H is being a nice guy because you are going through alot. 



try to take the good with the bad from the men that are hostile about the topic. Feel blessed that TAM offers you a way to get other's perspective in a totally open way. Some of their points you should take to heart. Also understand some may obviously hot have read your post carefully and/or are just looking to vent. 



Having said that putting my man hat on at some point your H will resent you and your marriage regardless of the underlying reasons/contributing factors. He may not leave you or cheat on you but, it (being sexless) will likely manifest itself in other ways.

continue to address your depression clinically but, don
't rule out holistic remedies as well. Try excercise, sunlight, spending time with girlfriends, family, avoid negative people and pray, you may not get the answer you are looking for but, it may make you feel better. This is a complicated issue and don't want to simplify it. 

Thanks for sharing.


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## JohnnyT

I'm in the same situation as your husband and have now fallen into a deep depression. Put things this way, if you did have regular sex with him, say once a week. that's about maybe 20 minutes a week of you being miserable, or not doing it and having him be miserable every waking moment. If not having sex is worth his lack of happiness, then as you were.


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