# All set to divorce......



## 02121999 (Jun 15, 2012)

Hi,
I'm new to this whole thing, but figured someone here might have some wise advise for me....
Been married for over 10 years. Husband has always been emotionally distant and abusive, financially controlling and very self absorbed. I work full time, and do all the running around for him and our children. But it has never been enough. Got my self into a little bit of debt because he would never give me money for anything above and beyond what he agreed to pay for. I got mad, and tired of fighting so I just did the best I could. And he makes 4 times what I make.... Long story short, we did the whole counseling thing, but it never worked because everything was always my fault. EVERYTHING. So last year we finally had the mother of all blow outs, and decided to divorce. And of course it was all my fault. So we spent 6 months living in a house together (separate bedrooms) with him claiming he couldn't afford to move out. I became brave, met an attorney and got the paperwork rolling. He found an apartment, and was set to move in. A week before move in day he tells me we need to make us work. I said it won't happen, we are to broken, but it fell on deaf ears. So he never left. And he has been kind, nice and patient for the last 2 months. Loves me and acts like nothing ever happened. And I am now in a state of utter confusion and panic, waiting for the old him to appear. I am not sure how I feel about him. I had 8 solid months come to terms with breaking up and being on my own, and I was okay with it. How do I get out of this funk?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Huh.

I think people can change, definitely, but they only change when they want to and after a crisis (usually). This overnight thing, once you found an attorney?

I'm not trusting it. Of course, I don't know either of you. Is the paperwork still rolling? I'm wondering if he is trying to forestall a financial settlement that will be more favorable to you.

I'm so sorry, I know I should probably be telling you that yes, he loves you bunches, but it doesn't feel that way to me. Probably not to you either.


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## 02121999 (Jun 15, 2012)

Once I gave him the attorneys card and told him to give him a call, he sort of looked at me like, WHAT? And then once he found out what he would be paying in child support, he became very quiet. I don't trust it either. Thank you for making me see it is not all me!!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Nope, not all you 

And by the way, I think you married my ex. Sounds exactly the same! You will feel SO MUCH BETTER once you are away from that constant negativity.


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## 02121999 (Jun 15, 2012)

I was so ready to leave him, was brave and his verbal assaults didn't bother me anymore. He could tell me I was fat, ugly, useless, and it didn't phase me becasue I knew he was just projecting. Now if feel like a bowl of jello with feet, which is so not me. Hoping I can get my strength back. Truthfully, justwaiting for him to go back to his old self.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

There are some posts here with links to something called the 180, you might look for that -- it's a way to make yourself stronger and not so dependent on the STBX.

Also, do keep posting here! People are a) kind b) have been thru it and c) not unwilling to call you on it if you are kidding yourself. All useful things in your position.

Best to you!


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## 02121999 (Jun 15, 2012)

Thank you for your kind words. You have already made me feel better......


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

You must be married to my STBXH~!!

Mine refuses to leave too. He wants a legal separation but claims he's too broke to move out.

So I made the decision for him. I went looking at apartments this week and I chose one, and will move the end of July - WITHOUT him.

He said he wants to keep the rental house we are currently in and get a roommate as he can't afford the rent on his own. I said fine, you need to pay me out my half of the deposit ($1100) and pay me for half of our $3000 fridge and $1800 washer/dryer set. Of course he said "but I don't have any money". Well you'll have to move too, won't you?

He is dumbfounded WHY I don't want to live with him anymore. We have been roomates for nearly a year. I can't stand him any longer and me staying in the same house is severely hampering my ability to move on. I too have made the decision I want to end my marriage to him, get out and live a peaceful life on my own (and my son).

My advice to you is move out anyway. Take a 6 mth lease and see if the NEW him hangs around or the old him comes back. Take the time away in your own place to see how things go. But, don't have any expectations!


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## 02121999 (Jun 15, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> You must be married to my STBXH~!!
> 
> Mine refuses to leave too. He wants a legal separation but claims he's too broke to move out.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 02121999 (Jun 15, 2012)

Slowly saving what little I can just for that reason.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Hi, 02, did you manage to get some rest?


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## 02121999 (Jun 15, 2012)

I did. I am so worried about what COULD happen. Need to see the big picture, and realize no matter what I will be fine. Thanks for your kindness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Abusive men don't change. You are still being controlled. He announced you have to work on the marriage, and that was that. He decided he will not move out, and so you're still together. There is lots of information on the internet to educate yourself on abuse to know change doesn't happen, and it especially doesn't happen without counseling. Seldom then even.

This phase in the cycles of abuse you are living right now should be familiar to you because you have lived it before. It was when you first met him. Abusive men are not abusive when they meet a woman. They are busy hiding their true selves in order to endear himself to her, in order to get her to trust him, and in order to get her to fall in love with him. They control women in that manner right from the beginning because they know once they hook you in with all their kindness and charm, it will be extremely difficult for you to leave because every abused woman wants him to be "nice" to her again. Through all the years of abuse, she lives for that day to return that he is once again nice and loving to her and telling her all the sweet nothings she wants to hear.......to fortify her enough to stick around until the next phase. It always happens. That's why it's called "cycles of abuse" and it always happens for a reason......a reason that will benefit him. He recognizes he has to be "nice" to win you over again. He has to stop you from leaving him (or wanting him to leave) because he can't abuse and control you if you're not there.

And so, here you are happy as a lark to have your Dr. Jekyll back. You have to know you will encounter his alter ego, Mr. Hyde, again soon enough. This phase just has the appearance of a moretorium on his cruelty. But, he's still controlling you. That's why you're both stil there and still together. He knows you better than you know yourself.

I don't understand why women put up with abuse, but they do. What I do know is you don't want to leave, and you're not going to. Nor are you going to make him leave. I wouldn't doubt you also stopped the legal process. But, if you want to stop being confused, then put this so-called change in him to the test.

1. Tell him to give you money to move. Tell him you don't plan to move, but if he starts being abusive and controlling again, then you will need the money to go at your will. 

It's your security deposit for both getting a place and to ensure he has changed for good. He will at least be inclined to behave himself a little longer knowing you will be able to leave whenever he starts mistreating you again.

2. Tell him you need more money for household expenses. Since he earns so much more than you, you shouldn't have to spend so much of your own income to maintain the family lifestyle.

This way, if he doesn't give you security deposit, you will have extra income to save in case you need it. Even if he does give you the deposit, this is another way to prove to you he has relinquished his controlling ways.

3. Tell him you still want him to leave.

Even though you are hesitant to trust his change is permanent, he is certain this cycle of being nice and telling you he loves you is working. Tell him it is not working, and you still want him to leave. If he has truly changed, he will be willing to go quietly. Or, he will refuse, indicating he is still determined to exert control over you and the marriage.

Do you have the nerve to put him to the test? If you are successful with 2 out of the 3, then it may be that safe to trust him. But, don't let him fool you anymore. If he agrees to do something, make sure he does it quickly. For example, should he agree to giving you the deposit money, then he has to give it up within one week (two weeks at the most), not whenever he says he will have it because the day "when I have the money" will never arrive. I bet he has a monster bank account you know nothing about. I bet he has the money and could give it to you right now.


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## 02121999 (Jun 15, 2012)

You make some very valid points. However, my problem is that I do want to leave, but I am dreading the outcome if I initiate it. I cannot deal with the nastiness and anger that will come aling with it. You are correct in the Jekyll & Hyde description of him. And I am pretty sure I am waiting for that switch to flip, so that I will be confident in telling him to go.
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