# Wife Cheated I'm Thinking of Ending it



## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

Hello All!

To make the story short, my wife had a relationship with one of her school classmates for a few months and had sex with him at least one time (from what she says) drunk after the graduation party. She told me and I did not find out from someone else. Well I am 9-10 months from D day and have gone through the mixed stages. For the last few months I have been feeling better but could not stop thinking about 'IT'. I started feeling like I was ugly ext... not worth enough and so on. About 3 months in I could tell my wife started to really feel bad about it and was trying hard to get things back. We have one child that is 7. I tried hard too, we went on trips, spent time together more ext. I felt like maybe I could get passed it. But of course it just kept eating at me.

About 2+ months ago I started flirting with everyone (female) LOL. Just a little bit and it helped me feel better some. Then I started talking to a girl on the internet. Long story short, I thought she was cute and started talking with her. I told her what I was going through after time. We now talk daily and I have started to not think about the affair my wife had but what I could have with this new young lady. She has one child herself and is divorced because of cheating husband. I really am starting to have strong feelings for this girl, we are similar in age and we have so much to say to each other. I have not met up with her because I am still married and do not want to do that even though my wife went full monte.

I can now see my wife and I just as friends, and I can go find true love. Instead of thinking of the affair, as soon as I wake up I think about her. Let's just call her Sara.

My wife has made comments to me while discussing her affair as "you have done things to me and I have done things to you, lets both just get over it"
What!?!!!!


My heart tells me to move on and get to know Sara more, she makes me feel great and I can feel her love. (Even though we have never went on a date)

I want to!

Any advise?


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

Don't jump from your wife to a new relationship. If you're going to call it quits, do it for you, not some fantasy.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

What do you want out of this? Do you want to end your marriage to pursue this girl? Do you want to pursue this girl while keeping your marriage to even the score? Is this girl making you think more about her and less about your wife - the person you are trying to reconcile with? Right now, you are in an EA. Technically, you are cheating even if you two haven't sexted nor professed your love to each other yet. The time and effort you should be putting into your R is being taken up by this new girl who you are wondering is better than your wife. 

You're treading down a dangerous path that will make you no better than your wife if you pursue it.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Yeah, leave your wife, file for divorce and go be with Sara. Don't be the scumbag she was. End it FIRST.

Right now you have your integrity intact, and if you leave her first (you're totally justified in doing so) it will remain so. As soon as you step out while you're still together - you are the same as your classless, deceitful wife. Do you want to be that?


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

You have to stop what your doing now and figure out what you want in your life before you start with someone else. Its not fair to you or your child if you just run to another woman. I am the BS I do get the feeling of depression and sadness from what she has done but don't make things worse. 

I am biased I say when a woman cheats shes gone. I say this because I did what everyone else here did. I love her she wont do it to me again. 10 years into my marriage she had at least 5 EA and 2 EP's. I was the idiot. My situation is not the same as yours and my xW is not the same as yours. You have to figure out if you want to be with her anymore. If not then be descent. Don't do the stuff she did. Tell her you want out and you want a divorce and move on with some respect left intact. Then if things work out you can go see the new girl but I would not hope on it. 


Clay


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

Or to get to know anyone more for that matter! Months and months of pain thinking about the affair is just too much. What I mean is not jumping into a relationship per say but wanted to state that this companionship has helped me feel like living again. Thanks for stating that though!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

If she is telling you to just get over it that is wrong.

You need to slow it down if you are going to divorce I can understand but I wouldn't start dating until well after the d.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

tom67 said:


> If she is telling you to just get over it that is wrong.
> 
> You need to slow it down if you are going to divorce I can understand but I wouldn't start dating until well after the d.


To each their own - but I see nothing wrong with dating as long as you have ended it and the WW is fully aware of it.

My stbxww left me, THEN I found out about the affair. She kept saying "go be great, live your life". So I started dating. As soon as she found out I slept with someone else she wanted me back. 

If your spouse cheats on you, and either you or they leave the marriage, dating is fair game.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So your solution to dealing with the turmoil that is an affair and marital problems is to jump straight into another relationship?

What if you do meet Sara and she sucks? And it doesn't work out? You are back to square one.

Focus on the issue at hand--your marriage and then decide what to do. Don't involve third/fourth parties. You've already seen what it did to your marriage.

And if Sara got cheated on by her ex, which led to he divorce, then she should really be staying far away from a MARRIED man who is trying to seduce her/get to know her as more than a friend.

Irony!


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Revenge affairs do not work out, my friend.

You are jumping from one bed to the other because you fear being alone for a period of time.

You need to heal first from the trauma of your wife's infidelity before you are going to be healthy for a new relationship.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your wife destroyed you----you aren't recovering well, and that is par for the course-----BUT------do not lower yourself to your wife's level, and cheat on her

If you don't wanna stay married---and you want to pursue this new relationship---then get a D., and then take up with your new friend

Your kid is already suffering in that he will forever have a mother who is a cheater---don't give him a cheating father, he will have enuff to deal with this later on in life as it is.

Just get your D, and move on---your mge, and relationship with your wife, are not what they once were, and will never be that way in the future---

I am curious how did your wife get so drunk at her grad party, that she spread her legs for this guy---where were you, why didn't you help your wife celebrate her graduation---and why would she go to something like that without you??????


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

You are having an emotional affair. Not cool. Two wrongs don't make a right. End it and work on your marriage and yourself or leave your wife before this escalates to a physical affair and then move on.


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

I guess I wrote this all wrong. We are not talking sexy ext.....

I feel like I would be interested in dating her if I was not married. Because I feel good talking with her. What I am trying to find out more is this. I went through all this pain for x amount of months and could not get over it, still not over it BUT now I am thinking of this nice person I met instead of the affair. Does this confirm more that I should D her? Or should I just continue with the hell and hope it will get better? I'm not going to cheat on my wife, I would D first before any dating. I have never thought of dating before. I'm not looking for payback, just noting that now I feel life is coming back into my body. Thanks for all the comments!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

What you are describing with this other woman, Sarah, is an emotional affair. It may help you with your pain about your WW's infidelity, but that fact won't change the fact that you are having an EA.

This won't clarify your situation with your WW. It only complicates it. You can uncomplicate it by stopping the EA and dealing constructively with your anger and pain about your WW's infidelity, or you can divorce and then get to know the OW better.

One woman at a time. Not -> 'wife + girlfriend makes my life livable.' Either you try to make it work with your WW, or you move on, in my opinion.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

You need some time to sort our your volatile emotions. 

Individual counseling might help, and also moving out on your own or legally separating, if that exists in your state, might help.

Jumping right into another rebound relationship is risky.





QUOTE=Overdone;5573849]Hello All!

To make the story short, my wife had a relationship with one of her school classmates for a few months and had sex with him at least one time (from what she says) drunk after the graduation party. She told me and I did not find out from someone else. Well I am 9-10 months from D day and have gone through the mixed stages. For the last few months I have been feeling better but could not stop thinking about 'IT'. I started feeling like I was ugly ext... not worth enough and so on. About 3 months in I could tell my wife started to really feel bad about it and was trying hard to get things back. We have one child that is 7. I tried hard too, we went on trips, spent time together more ext. I felt like maybe I could get passed it. But of course it just kept eating at me.

About 2+ months ago I started flirting with everyone (female) LOL. Just a little bit and it helped me feel better some. Then I started talking to a girl on the internet. Long story short, I thought she was cute and started talking with her. I told her what I was going through after time. We now talk daily and I have started to not think about the affair my wife had but what I could have with this new young lady. She has one child herself and is divorced because of cheating husband. I really am starting to have strong feelings for this girl, we are similar in age and we have so much to say to each other. I have not met up with her because I am still married and do not want to do that even though my wife went full monte.

I can now see my wife and I just as friends, and I can go find true love. Instead of thinking of the affair, as soon as I wake up I think about her. Let's just call her Sara.

My wife has made comments to me while discussing her affair as "you have done things to me and I have done things to you, lets both just get over it"
What!?!!!!


My heart tells me to move on and get to know Sara more, she makes me feel great and I can feel her love. (Even though we have never went on a date)

I want to!

Any advise?[/QUOTE]


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You need to clear your head. 

Stop contacting the woman that makes you feel better.

If you can not work it out with your wife, then divorce her.

Based upon what she did, you may not be able to get over the hurt and the pain. It takes years to get over it and she does not understand that. 

After your divorce is final, figure things out. Then after the divorce, you could try dating the new gal. But not before counseling to get your head on straight. You have been having some rough times.

Hope things will be better, but they will not if you stay married and keep having the EA.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Overdone said:


> I guess I wrote this all wrong. We are not talking sexy ext.....
> 
> I feel like I would be interested in dating her if I was not married. Because I feel good talking with her. What I am trying to find out more is this. I went through all this pain for x amount of months and could not get over it, still not over it BUT now I am thinking of this nice person I met instead of the affair. Does this confirm more that I should D her? Or should I just continue with the hell and hope it will get better? I'm not going to cheat on my wife, I would D first before any dating. I have never thought of dating before. I'm not looking for payback, just noting that now I feel life is coming back into my body. Thanks for all the comments!


At the very least, what you are having is a "one sided" emotional affair. This other woman may not have any romantic feelings towards you, but you on the other hand are leeching off of her emotionally, like a lamprey. That is not healthy. 

Look, here is how I see it: Your wayward wife had herself a nice little fun fling, but she wants to rugweep it. She wants you to get over it. 

Well, you need to sit down with her face to face, and tell her there is no "getting over" what she did. She blew up your marriage and sliced you with a cut that will take years to heal and leave an enormous scar. 

There is no pushing this to the back of the shelf! She needs to step up, own what she did, take responsibility for her affair, tell all of your family what she did, and either starts doing what she needs to do for your healing, or... you walk. 

At the very least the two of you need to get into marriage counseling. 

And stop messaging this other woman. Just stop. You'll have some withdrawls for a while but you'll get past it.


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

I am glad you are starting to feel better about yourself. It's nice to have someone to share with. I'm sure talking with her gives you quite a confidence boost. 

I do want to caution you though. When people leave one relationship because they believe they have another waiting in the wings, they are often disappointed. Your focus and energy should not be on anyone else right now but your wife and child. 

It sounds like you are emotionally detaching from your wife and maybe, just maybe your marriage could be reconciled. I know you are tired and growing weary from the hurt you have experienced but I think it is so important for your future to do things the right way. Whether you and your wife work things out or not. Give your family the priority they deserve.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Healer said:


> To each their own - but I see nothing wrong with dating as long as you have ended it and the WW is fully aware of it.
> 
> My stbxww left me, THEN I found out about the affair. She kept saying "go be great, live your life". So I started dating. As soon as she found out I slept with someone else she wanted me back.
> 
> If your spouse cheats on you, and either you or they leave the marriage, dating is fair game.


I agree with that but just divorce first.
Then move on with the hottie.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

tom67 said:


> I agree with that but just divorce first.
> *Then move on with the hottie.*


He hasn't even met her yet and currently they are starting off as an affair. Not good.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Revenge affair, huh?

And this woman doesn't mind that you are just using her so you'll feel better about yourself?

You should get counselling for yourself to help you feel better about yourself.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

I agree with the posts that have been given.

My story was somewhat similar. I endured a 13 months of betrayal by my exWW. After d-day I was very broken hearted.

I think some emotional distance gives you objectivity. You sound like you had some of that as well as some flirting to regain your shattered ego.

Why haven't you moved on with the D?

File, move out/have her move out, and then begin the new relationship. Anything less would be unfair to either woman.

Glad you didn't have a revenge affair. It weighed on my mind during the first 2-3 months post d-day.

I understand your pain. I understand the loss of respect for your WW.

Keep it simple, and formalize the plans for D first. It will create less pain for those invovled with you. Your D is certainly justifiable with her affair.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So, I take it YOU don't feel guilty for cheating on your wife?

Why is that?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> He hasn't even met her yet and currently they are starting off as an affair. Not good.


His wife ended the m when she cheated if he can't forgive his w divorce.
Limbo in my opinion is sometimes worse.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Overdone said:


> Hello All!
> 
> I felt like maybe I could get passed it. But of course it just kept eating at me.
> 
> ...


Its plan to me you're not going to be able to get over your wife's fling Dawg. In your mind youre already gone. You're like a monkey my man. You're not going to let go of one limb before you have a grasp on another. Look like you've found it in Sara.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Some men can R after their wife has an affair and some cannot. For those men the betrayal and pain is simply too much to forgive and comments like your wife made "get over it already" does not help.

Give yourself a time limit, 1- six months. If you still feel the same, then divorce her. That's better that living anguish and pain.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Overdone said:


> About 2+ months ago I started flirting with everyone (female) LOL.


What's with all these posts and their LOL's? What's so funny?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

10 months is not long enough to get over an affair. The question is are you getting better? So you want to save your family/marriage? You both need counseling. This was a one night stand? She was drunk? Why weren't you at the party too?


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Overdone,

I just went back and read your first thread. Here is what you posted:

Last night I had a bad night, on my way home from work I had the terrible gut and nervous feeling hit. Inside I was boiling, she new it but I tried to act like everything was ok. Woke up in the middle of the night and moved to the other room. I came back in around 3am because the spare bedroom is not comfortable, I did not lay close to her. I wanted to talk more last night but know the "hulk" was inside so it was best I did not bring anything up. (Not that I would do anything to her, just mentally it was not a good time) As far as the questions about the night she went out.... It was just a few of the group that went out, I was invited but my mother could not watch the baby as she was out of town. She sent me a few pics of her and the group that night. Anyway she did tell me some new news. Not much but she said she did stop the texting flirting half way threw. (The start to finish lasted 7-8weeks.) But when she went to school the next day he just sat in the back not paying attention to her. The group texting about school and jokes (she use to show me those) was still going on and after a few days the texting between the 2 started again. Seems like it was 2 weeks before D day that she made the rude comments to me. When I brought that up she said she started to think she could be happy with this guy even though we were happy. It was like she was blinded by the carefree life and fun of it all. I don't know what to do really, all this crap pisses me off. She cut off contact will all in the school group and if one of them sends her a note about whatever she comes and shows me. She wants me to tell her how to respond so it is not obvious she is breaking the contact. I actually suggested that because some of the girls in the group have kids the same age and are involved in a few of the same events. Polly? Yea lets do it, but even if she comes back clean all this still sucks. 


I haven't seen much more since then from you. It makes me think you are suppressing some rage (the Hulk).

Sounds like you are to that point that alte Dame talked to you about in that first thread. You are changed forever.

Now that you realize that the relationship is never going to be the same, I would say you should end your "limbo" and D. Not necessarily to pursue the new woman, but because the old relationship is defunct.

You have discovered that better people exist. At least people that didn't cause YOU utter devestation. That is a good thing to realize.

I may tend to disagree with the masses on this one slightly. Knowing a "better" woman exists may give you the final courage to end the limbo you are in.

Bless your heart. Hope you get your head clear, and keep us posted.


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

Thanks for everyone in here. I guess I started talking to this girl and did find out there are still nice people in this world to talk with. I have not felt this good since it all happened. I will never cheat on my wife, emotionally this person seemed to be there when I needed it. I will drop contact as it is probably best and wait it out a little bit longer before D. Only thing holding me back from it at this point is our child. Thanks again everyone!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Overdone said:


> I will never cheat on my wife, emotionally this person seemed to be there when I needed it. I will drop contact as it is probably best and wait it out a little bit longer before D. Only thing holding me back from it at this point is our child. Thanks again everyone!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Too late.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Overdone said:


> I will never cheat on my wife


Uh, right.

So you have been doing all this flirting and texting side by side with your wife, then? Showing her all the texts? Asking her advice on what to say to this other girl?

No?

Then you've been cheating.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Overdone said:


> Thanks for everyone in here. I guess I started talking to this girl and did find out there are still nice people in this world to talk with. I have not felt this good since it all happened. I will never cheat on my wife, emotionally this person seemed to be there when I needed it. I will drop contact as it is probably best and wait it out a little bit longer before D. Only thing holding me back from it at this point is our child. Thanks again everyone!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Than God you woke up. Look, I'm old school, 66 years old and the internet is one thing to browse but to have a relationship on? Come on man. All you have is someone else's words. How can you have feelings for someone when you never met them, held their hand, saw them in person? 

If your not happy and can't get over the fact that your wife betrayed you, then you have every right to feel like you do and if divorce is the way you want to go, then fine, do it. Once your free from your marriage then you can find a lady of your choosing and be happy but at least meet her in person, talk to her and go from there. Best of luck to you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Don't do anything without watching a couple episodes of catfish!


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP
I'm with Healer on this, contrary to most of the other posters. Since your wife cheated on you, you now owe her absolutely nothing. You do owe your child something, but if you have decided that adultery is a deal breaker for you, then that should do it. I don't blame you at all for wanting to get those disturbing visuals out of your head.

I'd say take remorseful stray 're suggestion' -- consider working out a separation, with understanding that you might start seeing other women. In the meantime if your wife changes her attitude you might want to date her again as well.

Even given what little you've told us about your wife, seems pretty clear that there are better women out there for you. If that is what your online relationship has taught you, then perhaps it has indeed been valuable for you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Too bad he couldn't show the dignity he expected, by waiting til he was divorced to hook up with other women.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

turnera said:


> Too bad he couldn't show the dignity he expected, by waiting til he was divorced to hook up with other women.


I enjoy your posts, but here we disagree. once the B S finds out about the affair I think they have a right to declare the marriage over, on the spot if they like. Over in every sense except legally. Then the B S should be able to explore if they'd like......see what other kinds of people are out there for them. Then If both the B S and W S decide to try again, then they can try to form that "2nd, better marriage"that many on T AM describe. Successful reconciliation.

I do think separating first is best. If all states and countries were like, New Jersey, say, then the couple could just divorce before any 'exploration' by the B S................it might only take 3-4 weeks. But does it not take 1-2 years in other states? I don't think the B S should have to put their emotional lives on hold for that long, frankly.

But as I said most posters here agree with you on this, vice me.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

So she cheated, you're cheating...yes, emotional affairs ARE cheating ! Remember that two wrongs don't make a right no matter how strong the illusion that they do.
Right now you stoop at your wife's level. Either forgive and R, or D and pursue the new girl. However, since this started while still married, it is considered you leaving for another woman..you are even now.
The only ones to suffer are the kids in these cases.


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## Emptyshelldad (Apr 29, 2013)

I'm also with the crowd that marriage is over as soon as one cheats. Breaking that most sacred of vows equals marriage done. You can choose to build another one but in my opinion the ws is owed nothing. And half of these posters on here talk about emotional affair that most friendships would constitute emotional affairs. Hell by some of your definitions I've been in an emotional affair with my best buddy since we were in the third grade together. 
I agree emotional affairs are affairs but it takes waaaaayyyy more than talking with this women after his wife cheated on him and has this callous attitude towards him to constitute one. There hasn't been any sexting, and naughty pic exchange, any conduct outside the realm of friendship that he has alluded to. And no, I don't think he would be anywhere as interested in divorce or finding someone new if his wife hadn't ended the marriage through her actions.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

I'm going to say something that will pxss many people. 
You have not managed to overcome the betrayal of your wife. This is obvious!
So the best thing to do is to distance yourself from her .... talk to her and your difficulties, just be sincere, take some time alone living without her, and in the meantime do whatever it takes to make you feel better in order to understand and convince youself for D. or R.
And if texing someone else helps ..... then go for it! But be sincere informing your WW about it!
Sorry if someone thinks this means cheating, but honestly I see it as HEALING


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hey, if he wants to tell his wife he's hitting on another woman, go for it. As long as he admits it.


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

Thanks for all the comments!

I would like to say the ones that say I am cheating on my wife and I am just as bad as her must not understand what I am trying to say. I would never cheat on my wife, I do chat as friends with Sara but I have never met her and do not plan to. Would I like to? Yes I feel great when I receive a message from her. To be honest I do not care if she is real or not, all I know is that having that person there has helped me out of my hole. 

I am understanding more of what is going on with me now, I am healing. Thanks for all the comments, they make me think for sure! But I agree with some of you that this is healing for me, not love. I needed this eye opener, I was tired of laying there dying.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then you shouldn't have any problem telling your wife about Sarah.


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

turnera said:


> Then you shouldn't have any problem telling your wife about Sarah.


I will tell her tonight and post up what happens. I do understand some may think I am cheating, maybe it could lead to it, but I still could never go through with it. I'm better than that. I'm not worried about telling her I met a friend that is female on line that has really helped me get over the mind movies ext.. 

I will also share with her that I think that Sara is a wonderful person that seems to be loving. Something that was destroyed with her affair. Will keep you posted, I am here because I want to share what I am feeling and also do the right things. Thanks much.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Overdone, it's not 'how far' you have gone that delineates cheating. It's NOT TELLING your spouse.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

In my book, when a person starts a relationship with another live person and they are M or in a relationship with another it does crass the line. THe OP says he looks forwrd to her contact. Sounds like an EA to me and two wrongs don't make a right.

Many of us here do get it. I went out looking. But stopped. Did not even get to talk a girl at a bar who was giving me eyes. I told my wife about it, I told her that I went out looking. 

We often do this for various reasons, pain, wanting to feel like a man, etc.

I feel that you D then you date. For me there are complications that can arise. 

Just my two cents worth.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Overdone said:


> Thanks for all the comments!
> 
> I would like to say the ones that say I am cheating on my wife and I am just as bad as her must not understand what I am trying to say. I would never cheat on my wife, I do chat as friends with Sara but I have never met her and do not plan to. Would I like to? Yes I feel great when I receive a message from her. To be honest I do not care if she is real or not, all I know is that having that person there has helped me out of my hole.
> 
> I am understanding more of what is going on with me now, I am healing. Thanks for all the comments, they make me think for sure! But I agree with some of you that this is healing for me, not love. I needed this eye opener, *I was tired of laying there dying.*


That feeling of laying there dying is what some feel. Some never get over their spouses' A. It is a horrible feeling for sure. Going outseide the M will not fix it per se, boost your ego, yes, but it can certainly complicate things.

You are still in the wounded stage.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> You are still in the wounded stage.


SO what to do? Stay wounded? Wait till the pain passes by? 
Trying to be moraly higher by not accepting a female chat?
worring about what others might think about it? What can be more complicated then what his WW already did? 
Honestly...... if I was him I DONT CARE if somebody thinks anything! The important thing is to be clear with your WW about WHAT you are doing, and if it hurts, well...... TO BAD!

Everyone of us deals how they best can to get over A. of ther own spouses, (mc, ic, medical help, etc.) in this case, without spending money, he gots what he needs! MOST OF ALL: MAKES HIM FEEL BETTER!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Seeking out other females while you are in the midst of this mess will NOT make you feel better in the long run. Why can't he just seek out other, healthier ways to feel good about himself? Exercise, therapy, building something, hanging out with friends...


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

turnera said:


> Seeking out other females while you are in the midst of this mess will NOT make you feel better in the long run. Why can't he just seek out other, healthier ways to feel good about himself? Exercise, therapy, building something, hanging out with friends...


because maybe other things just dont help.....


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

turnera said:


> Seeking out other females while you are in the midst of this mess will NOT make you feel better in the long run. Why can't he just seek out other, healthier ways to feel good about himself? Exercise, therapy, building something, hanging out with friends...


thats' a fair question. IMO he feels emasculated. When the male BS talks about the horrible "mind movies" he can't turn off, to me that means strong feelings of emasculation. Connecting with another female seems to me the quickest way to start to restore a man's sef-concept. Not that the other things aren't also of great value, and yes with fewer risks.

perhaps doing things with mixed groups of friends, male and (available) female, might sooth the pain and have lower risk of backfiring in some way......just a thought. I agree he should be above board with his WW on who he's talking to, what he's doing.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Overdone said:


> ...I would never cheat on my wife, I do chat as friends with Sara but I have never met her and do not plan to. Would I like to? Yes *I feel great when I receive a message from her*. ...


You are emotional invested in a relationship with someone other than your wife. That is called an emotional affair, and it is still cheating....by giving this other woman your time and affection, you have cheated your wife of those things...those things are meant for your wife, and her alone.

I don't think you are a horrible person or anything, and I think a physical affair is much worse than the type of affair you are involved in, however, it is still investing romantically in someone else.

You have to be able to see this. 

I feel bad for you, after your wife's affair, you've been hurt bad. I realize you're just trying to cope...I get that. Pick a path, either work on your marriage and dump the girl, or get legally separated and start a new life.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

tulsy said:


> Pick a path, either work on your marriage and dump the girl, or get legally separated and start a new life.


True. :iagree:

Overdone has been on the fence since July. I am thinking he is picking. He is picking D (shhhhh, I am not sure if he is aware of his choice yet).

Overdone, it is ok. Divorce is not the end of the world. Find a way to seperate, and be done. File, or p!ss her off and let her file. *I would tell her that you are finding better women*, and you need to move on. It is fair for you and her. Staying married is no longer a viable option, IMO. You are past the point where you love her as a wife. Sure, you feel some guilt and pity over her, but it is past the point of return.

Sounds mean? It is actually a blessing for both of you. She can move on and learn from her choice. You can heal and love someone that has not defiled your marriage.

Go, be free!!! 

Sorry if I offend the masses. Been there, and needed to do that myself. It is a great day when you finally end limbo!!!


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Thanks for liking it Tunera. 

I would add that one of the TAM "rights" for the betrayed is you can take as much or as little time to decide what to do about D.


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

Ok I told her last night. She is a mess that I want to separate. I feel bad, I do love her but not in love because of what she has done.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't feel bad. She didn't feel bad when she was cheating on you.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Overdone said:


> Ok I told her last night. * She is a mess that I want to separate.* I feel bad, I do love her but not in love because of what she has done.


That's the risk she took


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Overdone said:


> Ok I told her last night. She is a mess that I want to separate. I feel bad, I do love her but not in love because of what she has done.


It is a tough thing. It seems like you have been grinding on this for some time. My one time MC gave me some great advice that probably plays into your situation. He said that it is more merciful to end it quickly, and not give her false hopes.

You can still be a decent ex. It will be interesting to see how she deals with it. D brings out the ugly in most people. Hope you two can work through it peacefully.

Keep it cool on the dating scene until things mellow out again. It is a messy thing when jealousy rears its green head.

Let us know how it goes. Hope your heart can mend. I am sure things will get better emotionally as you pick up the pieces and move forward.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Choices have consequences. She did not think you would enforce any. Almost nothing can kill love faster than an affair.

I am of the opinion that if you are in love with a person, you could never betray them to this extent. The fact that she had an affair proves to me that she was not in love with you and does not deserve to be loved by you.

Put her in your rear-view mirror and move forward to a better life.


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

Update!

I am having a hard time thinking of my daughter having to go through this. I feel sometimes like I should just stick with this cheater and be there for her. It breaks my heart to know that she does not deserve to not see me everyday. It's the fact that I know she will not wake everyday with her dad there. I want custody but don't want to take her away from her mother. Life never seemed so tough.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Overdone said:


> Update!
> 
> I am having a hard time thinking of my daughter having to go through this. I feel sometimes like I should just stick with this cheater and be there for her. It breaks my heart to know that she does not deserve to not see me everyday. It's the fact that I know she will not wake everyday with her dad there. I want custody but don't want to take her away from her mother. Life never seemed so tough.


It is good to see you post an update. I was wondering how things were going for you.

The kid thing is usually the toughest. I was fortunate that my two sons were late teens/early twenties. It still was a factor.

Money is another kicker for many.

My feelings of resentment eventually overcame my fears of the kids not understanding, and the money.

Fear is usually a poor way to make choices. Fear is a good thing when we are protecting ourselves, but it is a poor foundation for a marriage. Trust is also a key part of a good marriage. I tried to live without it for a time. I decided it was too difficult.

Maybe you can resign yourself to a poor marriage until your daughter is older. It is a bit like a jail sentence. You can make the best of it, and pull the plug later. There is not a deadline for you.

It sucks, but you can do it. I hope that your feelings do not cause excessive hostility in ways that will affect your daughter. A bad marriage is worse than a broken home in my opinion.

Your other option would be to D quickly. Stabilize the relationships with your ex and your daughter. Work to keep the peace post-D. Eventually you might find a better woman and re-establish a strong marriage with an improved environment for you and your daughter. No guarantees. That was the path I picked. I would think that you could do that too.


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

I really need to hear things like this. Money is not a big issue, I plan to pay for her place/car/and bills until she gets a job. Then I would just pay for her place and car with a little bit of extra all for my daughters sake. I will be moving into the spare bedroom today until we get her place ready. She is looking up how to decorate it so I think everything will be fine as far as our relationship goes there. She has agreed not to go the nasty route, but how do you know? You don't! I really don't care if she tries to take everything from me, maybe her character is that awful, maybe not . I just want my daughter to be safe and around a good environment.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

The 180 is your friend. Try to use it to continue to help you get healing and distance from your wife. 

Good that you made the decision to move on when you could not get over her cheating. It is very tough. 

Has your STBEW told you that she at least stopped all contact with OM? Guess it does not matter now. 

If she did not use protection, I would suggest getting tested for stds. Hope your future is brighter.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Did you ever hear any new information about the affair?

Does she say or do things to make you think it would be ugly after the D? If money is not a big contention, the kids are not as likely to be used as pawns.

Not to be selling D, but one nice thing about having an ex is that you can have breaks from the kids now and then. We usually love our children dearly, but a free weekend off and on is kind of nice.

The other factor in favor of a D is you probably will be a better picker a second time. I felt I was. Second marriages have higher failure rates. My opinion is that it is due to bad chemisty between children/step parents, and that you lose the fear in divorcing once you have been through it.

If you do get the D, there still is an outside chance that you might re-marry her. It might be easier for you to let go, then let her prove that she loves you. I didn't want to play that game. My parents did. It did work for them, but to my knowledge there was not an affair in the mix.

Just things to consider.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Overdone said:


> Update!
> 
> I am having a hard time thinking of my daughter having to go through this. I feel sometimes like I should just stick with this cheater and be there for her. It breaks my heart to know that she does not deserve to not see me everyday. It's the fact that I know she will not wake everyday with her dad there. I want custody but don't want to take her away from her mother. Life never seemed so tough.


Something I didn't expect but have heard quite often now is that when parents divorce, the poster often comes back and says that they expected it to kill them to not be with their kids every day, but what they discovered is that they are now able to use that time apart to get other things done, to enjoy new aspects of life so as to improve their general outlook on life, so that when they ARE with their kids, they have MUCH better times together, and thus are even better parents than they expected.


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

I can see that, she knows her daddy loves her. Now when I go home I just want to check out. There use to be a day I was so excited when I turned on the road to my house. Now when I do I just want to get in there to love on my daughter then disappear.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Make sure your wife knows that her number one job is to protect your daughter from any of the men she may date after you guys D.

Sorry, it's just one more crappy thing you have to think about.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And that you'll be monitoring it, too.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

From what I have read it looks like you gave it a shot and did your best to work it out.

Your old lady broke you and now its time you put your self back together for your kids sake.

I personally don't think your kid diserves a broken dad....and its her mother fault.

So please for your daughters sake put your self back together and be a good father not a broken one.

I mean should your kid have to feel the repression you have to do just to be in the same home?

Whay can't your kid see a happy father who lives...enjoys life and charishes the time with her dad..instead of looking at a father that realy doesn't want to be home/around with her mother?

Dude your kid will feel and see a great dad as long as her mother isn't around.

I guess what I'm trying to say is your negitive feel while with her mother may project on to your daughter...so get the phuck out and be happy, get your own place and show your kids its not her its her mother... Well don't tell her this but I hope you see my point.

I think you can be a better dad with out her mother around...thats all I'm try to say!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Besides I grew up in a loveless marriage and my folks didn't do me any favors when it came to my own relationship/marriage.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Overdone

Glad you are moving forward.

Has your wife ever gone to counseling to help her with her issues and why she blew up your marriage?

HM


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

overdone, Reconcilation is for those who really want to stay with their partner even knowing they will have years of mind movies, insecurity, trust issues, deal with the constant pain that there is a OM/OW out there who got their way with their spouses and yet they desire to be with their WS is stronger than of all that.

Obviously your case is not like that , forcing you to stay with your STBXW for the sake o your kid my sound noble, but is a receipe for disaster, if you are not sincere in your reconcilation any of the 2 of you can fall again in to an affair, or simply you could end wasting more years and accumulating more resentment against each other than if you cut things right now and end with an amicable relationship. 

don't feel bad for doing what is best for you, even if you are not aware of it, you are also setting many examples for your kid, as how actions have consequences?, and how relationships must be based in mutual respect where both parts are commited?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You can pursue Sara now since you have informed your WW that your marriage is over. File ASAP.


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

Hey bro. Thanks for the updates. Have you thought about seeing a counselor to help you get past the affair? There are so many people that move on emotionally and end their marriage before really doing everything they can to save it. Sometimes things work out fine but it seems to me like most of the time they feel like they are worse off. 

I know you love your daughter very much and you're willing to fight for her. What about your family? Are you willing to fight for mom too? Or are you officially done?


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Brother, don't justify your actions as a fair trade off to your hurt. It only drops you to her level. You must be stronger than that. You have to ask yourself, what have I done. Take out the equation of her infidelity and put your EA in there. In the end you are having an EA, no matter the justification. Don't stoop to that level. Keep your moral compass in check and pointing north. When the juice of something new subsides, you have to live with it. Can you? If you reconcile, then do it. But don't give her ammo whenever there is a trigger or argument, which shuts down the conversation of reconcile. You need to be right, when it comes to your faithfulness, so when you look in the mirror while shaving, you don't look away in shame. Good luck.


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

I told her it was over, we are getting a D. Easy as that (not really easy), I'm not going to look back at the what if's and drive myself crazy. Do I want to get a D? No but I finally figured out I can not be with a women that cheated on me. As far as me cheating, no I just ended up talking with someone that was having troubles also. It helped me much, I did not feel like telling people I knew about this. I did start to like Sara after awhile.... I did the right thing, I did not test the waters and then tell. Thanks for all the comments! She is moving out after Christmas, we are getting along fine so far.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Overdone said:


> I told her it was over, we are getting a D. Easy as that (not really easy), I'm not going to look back at the what if's and drive myself crazy. Do I want to get a D? No but I finally figured out I can not be with a women that cheated on me. As far as me cheating, no I just ended up talking with someone that was having troubles also. It helped me much, I did not feel like telling people I knew about this. I did start to like Sara after awhile.... I did the right thing, I did not test the waters and then tell. Thanks for all the comments! She is moving out after Christmas, we are getting along fine so far.


Enjoy your new life.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Overdone,

I'm glad your doing what is necessary for you to move on from this.

How did your WW take the news now that she realizes her infatuation with a loser POS has totally F'd her and her family's lives forever?


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Good for you. You did not waste yrs trying to pretend your wife, is not who she has shown herself to be.


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## Singledude21 (Feb 21, 2013)

Overdone said:


> I told her it was over, we are getting a D. Easy as that (not really easy), I'm not going to look back at the what if's and drive myself crazy. Do I want to get a D? No but I finally figured out I can not be with a women that cheated on me. As far as me cheating, no I just ended up talking with someone that was having troubles also. It helped me much, I did not feel like telling people I knew about this. I did start to like Sara after awhile.... I did the right thing, I did not test the waters and then tell. Thanks for all the comments! She is moving out after Christmas, we are getting along fine so far.


A lot of badass win up in here man. Good for you and hopefully you can go on living a healthy drama free life. Kick her butt to the curb and don't look in the rear view mirror.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Badass? Are you talking about the wayward wives?


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Overdone said:


> I told her it was over, we are getting a D. Easy as that (not really easy), I'm not going to look back at the what if's and drive myself crazy. *Do I want to get a D? No but I finally figured out I can not be with a women that cheated on me.* As far as me cheating, no I just ended up talking with someone that was having troubles also. It helped me much, I did not feel like telling people I knew about this. I did start to like Sara after awhile.... I did the right thing, I did not test the waters and then tell. Thanks for all the comments! She is moving out after Christmas, we are getting along fine so far.


If more humans were able to accept this without thinking that they are being selfish for not staying for the kids, family pressure or religious reasons, alot of suffering could be avoided.

I am not against reconcilation but just when is done under the right circumstances (with a remorseful WS willing to perform heavy lifting for years if necessary) and for the right reasons (because the BS really believes that the happines he/she will have with WS is greater tan the pain he/she is suffering).

update once in a while if possible


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

My parents were just told a few days ago, great more pain. I don't think they need all this. They just want everything to be nice. I was having a really hard time being around them with her there after they knew. Everyone was having such a great time, they were trying to be nice to her. They feel bad, it has not been talked about in the open, just me letting them know. Funny how she is now mad at me for making her feel uncomfortable! My insides were being ripped out being there, I felt like a failure. I had to leave and did my best to get my daughter and soon to be EX out of there without causing a seen! They want me to give it a try with her. They just want everything to go back to the way it was. Me too!!!!! But it's too late..


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Overdone said:


> My parents were just told a few days ago, great more pain. I don't think they need all this. They just want everything to be nice. I was having a really hard time being around them with her there after they knew. Everyone was having such a great time, they were trying to be nice to her. They feel bad, it has not been talked about in the open, just me letting them know. Funny how she is now mad at me for making her feel uncomfortable! My insides were being ripped out being there, I felt like a failure. I had to leave and did my best to get my daughter and soon to be EX out of there without causing a seen! They want me to give it a try with her. They just want everything to go back to the way it was. Me too!!!!! But it's too late..


Hey man, good for you. Do not let them try to change your mind. Tell them to support you as they should, or you will just see them after the D is finalized and there will be no point for their opinions at that time. Got to love the generation in front of us. Stick your head in the sand and stay married.. Ridiculous.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Do not live your life trying to please others at your own expense. 

Follow your plan. You will be much better off in the future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"she is now mad at me for making her feel uncomfortable!"

That actually makes me laugh.

What alternate universe do these WS live in where they have a right to be mad that their s****y behavior has been exposed?

Cause that's all that you've done to her. 

You didn't assault her, cheat back on her, or in any way mistreat her.

All you did was let the world know what she did and that you are leaving over her betrayal.

Such a self-centered mentality.

Its the reason they cheat...its also the reason why I think so few of them actually deserve to have any chance to keep their marriages and partners.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Heart ripped out and stomped on trumps "uncomfortable". At least in my book.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Overdone said:


> My parents were just told a few days ago, great more pain. I don't think they need all this. They just want everything to be nice. I was having a really hard time being around them with her there after they knew. Everyone was having such a great time, they were trying to be nice to her. They feel bad, it has not been talked about in the open, just me letting them know. Funny how she is now mad at me for making her feel uncomfortable! My insides were being ripped out being there, I felt like a failure. I had to leave and did my best to get my daughter and soon to be EX out of there without causing a seen! They want me to give it a try with her. They just want everything to go back to the way it was. Me too!!!!! But it's too late..


Feeling like a failure is normal emotions. Ironic how some families just want things to be smooth, others support the cheater and others throw the hammer down. No matter how you slice the family dynamic, stay the course. You are not married to your family. My family is very forgiving and I am greatful for them, when I decided to work it out with my wife, my family showed my wife a lot of love. But no matter how my family reacted this was my decision. I listened but the final decision was going to be mine.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Overdone,

My family (except for my Dad) is very much the same, and there has been A LOT of infidelity in the past.

Their answer?

Rugsweep, rugsweep, rugsweep...it's the 'Christian' thing to do to forgive not matter what. "Who are you to hold grudges when God forgives all?"...so on and so on.

I was called cold and heartless for instantly breaking up with my cheating exgf who I had been discussing M with.

My Dad (and his Mom's brothers) are looked on as oddities and cold-hearted men because they never forgave his Mom for running off with a POS when pops was 2, even when she was dying of cancer.

My point is that who cares if your family ultimately disapproves of your decision to end the M.

Its your life not theirs.

I am perfectly fine knowing my family judges me for being too unforgiving.

I love them, but I am perfectly OK with their disapproval and disappointment.

I can't be like them and be true to myself.

Heck my maternal grandfather even raised my grandmother's A child (my aunt).

I just could never do that...wouldn't even think to try.

So don't let other people's desires, even your closest family, determine what's best for you.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Overdone said:


> Funny how she is now mad at me for making her feel uncomfortable! My insides were being ripped out being there, I felt like a failure. I had to leave and did my best to get my daughter and soon to be EX out of there without causing a seen! They want me to give it a try with her. They just want everything to go back to the way it was. Me too!!!!! But it's too late..


This speaks volumes oif her level of selfishness, she should feel regret, shame and be humble for betraying not just bu her and yout family, instead she feels anger?

you are not the failure, the failure is her, your only mistake was to choose the wrong life partner, but from there everything she does is her resposability.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

manticore said:


> This speaks volumes oif her level of selfishness, she should feel regret, shame and be humble for betraying not just bu her and yout family, instead she feels anger?
> 
> you are not the failure, the failure is her, your only mistake was to choose the wrong life partner, but from there everything she does is her resposability.


This is incredible selfishness and blame shifting.

My wife did the same thing. When I called OM's wife and let her know about her husband my wife actually had the nerve to say to me that I was disrespecting her!! I was in shock!!

I said how can you think I am disrespecting YOU?!?! You are the one that had the affair!! It was your actions! I am the one telling the OM's wife and that makes me the bad buy?!?!

This type of thinking is so completely out of whack! The only thing I can think of is that it is incredibly selfish and there is total lack of remorse and empathy. It's all about them. What a mess.


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

Yes crazy! She walks around in bad mood like I'm an a**. Then she will try to do one thing nice and if I don't praise her for it she is mad at me again. Crazy! Also she acts like the perfect wife around my family. Then I come home to, you made me feel bad the way you treated me around your family, I'm getting tired of being treated like that. The nerve of this woman amazes me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Overdone said:


> Yes crazy! She walks around in bad mood like I'm an a**. Then she will try to do one thing nice and if I don't praise her for it she is mad at me again. Crazy! Also she acts like the perfect wife around my family. Then I come home to, you made me feel bad the way you treated me around your family, I'm getting tired of being treated like that. The nerve of this woman amazes me!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She was so confident in your love for her that she felt sure that you would forgive her.

She read that wrong. Sadly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Overdone said:


> Yes crazy! She walks around in bad mood like I'm an a**. Then she will try to do one thing nice and if I don't praise her for it she is mad at me again. Crazy! Also she acts like the perfect wife around my family. Then I come home to, you made me feel bad the way you treated me around your family, I'm getting tired of being treated like that. The nerve of this woman amazes me!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell you're permanently mad at her for stabbing your heart to death, and you'll never get over it. Then tell her to get over it. Maybe she'll get the gist.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Overdone said:


> Yes crazy! She walks around in bad mood like I'm an a**. Then she will try to do one thing nice and if I don't praise her for it she is mad at me again. Crazy! Also she acts like the perfect wife around my family. Then I come home to, you made me feel bad the way you treated me around your family, I'm getting tired of being treated like that. The nerve of this woman amazes me!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're getting divorced, right?

Time to detach and become indifferent.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Overdone said:


> Yes crazy! * She walks around in bad mood like I'm an a**. Then she will try to do one thing nice and if I don't praise her for it she is mad at me again*. Crazy! Also she acts like the perfect wife around my family. Then I come home to, you made me feel bad the way you treated me around your family, I'm getting tired of being treated like that. The nerve of this woman amazes me!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


does she know you are divorcing her?, because it doesn't sound as if she is aware that you don't have to put with this sh*t anymore


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