# How does one 'work on themselves'



## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

So I am always hearing the first step is that you need to work on yourself. But what does that actually mean. I have no friends and my family is pretty much non-existant... I sit up in this room all day long, watch TV, look at the forums, cry, and read self help/marriage books. Separated 35 days now.


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

I believe by working on yourself mean, get self motivated, do not dwell on past thoughts no matter what because you know it will make you worse. Harden your heart and believe in yourself. Pray to God and be nice to other people, think of treating them as you would have treated yourself or you would like to be treated.
Life is so selfish and so Strange, you will get stabbed by one you trusted most.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Chris....The first step I did was to find a hobby, and go for it. Is there something you always thought about doing, but never did? Mine was photography, I always wanted a nice camera, and learn to take pictures of wildlife. So, I went and got one. This keeps me busy on many different levels. During my days off, I grab my camera, and go out, went to the zoo one day, down to the lake, and into the city. There are always places to go to take pictures. When I get home, I upload them and review them, that kills most of my afternoon. Then I purchased a book about my camera, and how to get the most from it, I usually read that until I fall asleep. But you can't run from your demons, I occupy my time with the camera, because I enjoy it. It is not replacing her, it is helping me. There is a big difference, you can't just keep busy to keep busy, because then the nights will crush you. Believe me, I have tried, and failed.

Don't get me wrong, there are still bad days, but they seem to be easier to cope with. I also go to the gym, I have a lot of frustration to burn off, so three nights a week I work out. This is not only nice to just burn some negative energy, but it is making me a better healthier person. You just need to take that first step, and not spend so much time alone. Even if you don't know anyone go to a local bar, and have a beer. Do what you want to do, but do it for you.


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

Working on yourself means focusing your energy on you to better yourself. 

Look at what you described. No family/friends, etc. That sucks, but that is not about you. That is about them. So, instead of sitting in the house being depressed, get out of the house. Go for a walk. Go to the gym. Is there anything that you have wanted to do, but have not been able to? If you have the means, go do it.

Step 1 is IC. Personal therapy should be #1. Go see a therapist. They will help you work on yourself. 

Step #2 is self reflection. Look internally to see what YOU did to contribute to the destruction of your relationship. Write these down, no matter how much it hurts to see them. Be accurate. Dont sugar coat it. If it does not hurt, you are not being honest. 

Step #3 is to stop focusing on others. Focus on you. Take that list and make changes to your lifestyle to alleviate those problems.

Throughout this entire process, just continue to do things that make YOU happy. Don't worry about what she is doing or thinking, etc. Just worry about yourself. 

You will find a lot of help on here. I have been separated 4 months now. It gets easier.


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

Thanks, good advise. Im working on getting IC as we speak. As for hobbies, my main hobby, selling stuff on ebay, was one of the contributing factors of the separation, and I'm in the process of finishing that up... don't want to do it anymore. SO.... Im wide open for a new hobby, just don't know what it is yet


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

It might be an idea to join a class, anything that interests you. In a way it doesn't really matter what the class is as you will be meeting new people and getting out. Also I joined a few meetup groups (meetup.com) and now I'm out several evenings in a week which helps enormously as I am alone a lot otherwise. Make a bucket type list of all the things you've ever wanted to do, even of they seem silly. I do things my ex didn't like doing and these things seem extra sweet. Because my ex worked all day at computers he hated going to the cinema so i go now and watch the films I want to watch. Im decorating the lounge the way I want without unwanted advice. I'm going ice skating this weekend with people I've never met..scary? Oh yeah, but I'm getting braver now. You need to find how to be happy in yourself. So what makes you happy??


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## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

To me it means to go out and do things to better yourself...

Like exercise, read, etc - but also go out and do things that you've been wanting to do but haven't had the time or maybe you weren't able to do it because it wasn't something your spouse was cool with or maybe you weren't comfortable doing it before. Like me, since my seperation last fall I've taken to hanging out with the few friends I have locally, I've taken up pistol and shotgun shooting as it's been something I was always interested in but my STBXH was not, I've also signed up for a welding class at my local community college just because it was something outside of the box for me and sounded interesting (turns out I love it) and I also try and meet new people and hang out with them to to see if maybe they'd make a good addition to the friends I already have.

Also thou I think working on yourself also means identifying the points in your relationship where you went wrong - like co-dependancy was/is an issure for me so I'm taking the steps I need in order to address it and work past it and in doing so that'll not only make me a better person for myself but it'll also make a better person in any fusture relationships I commit to.

Good luck, darlin' - I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation but I promise things will get better thou it takes time. Come back and keep posting here as well, you'll find lots of supportive people with tons of good advice!


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

Chopsy said:


> So what makes you happy??


Such a simple question, yet I struggle to come up with an answer. I thought I was happy with the routine of everyday life with the wife, kids, and house. The kids make me happy - but that's probly the standard answer. Definitely something to think about now


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

If you want to spend more time with your kids (don't know their ages), maybe try getting involved with something they're doing, like helping to coach a sport they're in, or volunteering at their school.

Volunteering in general is a really great way to spend your time. If there's a cause you're passionate about (the Humane Society, your local food bank, homeless shelter, etc.), or a cultural event that needs volunteers (if you have a community theater or band), these are terrific ways to find people who share a common interest. And you feel good because you're doing something that contributes.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

At 35 days out "working on yourself" means breathing in and out, eating as well as you can under the circumstances, resting, crying, mourning, grieving, surviving....

You watch a gazillion hours of tv, comfort yourself with the internet and maybe a book or two or a beer. 

Please be kind to yourself. These things take time to recover from and the process can't be rushed. For now just take care of yourself the best you can and worry about "working on yourself" after you are feeling better. Therapy is good because it will help you process your feelings of loss.

Hugs.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Depends. If you were in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone who systematically forced you to shut down your own needs in favor of theirs through micromanagement of your emotions. ie you couldn't be unhappy without your ex telling you to "stop it or else!", and you felt you could only do what you enjoyed together or not at all. 

Then your first step is going to be terrifying, but you need to recognize your ex is not worth being placed on a pedestal like this and what your feeling now may be unresolved issues with abandonment as a child. Not all the time but with a lot of people the heartache left after a breakup is intensified when it stirs up memories of feeling unwanted by a parent..... even when they were always there but busy.

The scared empty feeling you have now is most likely due in part to shutting yourself off from those brief feelings you had of happiness and joy without her. Why should you be happy when they were the only reason for you to be happy, right? One by one you refuse to let yourself experience these emotions until all your left with is intense anger, depression, guilt, anxiety(which is like a rapid shifting between emotions), and fear. Those quiet times are going to be the worst part of your life right now but you need this time to learn how to enjoy being alone again.

The first thing I would have you do is write down everything you ever fought about with your stbx and what you didn't like about them. Also write down how you felt about yourself during these fights and every little thing you can remember. Did you feel you were angry a lot of the time because you had to stuff down your emotions and "act happy" in order to keep them happy? Did you start most of the fights or did you let them have their way to keep peace in your marriage? Did you find yourself worrying day and night over how to keep them happy and faithful?

And YES, I include cheating and gaslighting as emotional abuse. Stringing your spouse along with lots of little lies, and looking for imperfections in your faithful significant other so you can justify "being in love" with another person while you slowly pull away is manipilative to every party involved! The reason why is because you're left thinking it's you that needs to "try" more, or that you can win them back, when really it's them that needs to grow up and accept responsibilities in marriage or cut the cord to you and let you go with the honest truth - "I want to have sex with everyone but you, and there's nothing I am willing to do to fix my ego problem or this marriage". "I deserve......" whatever the hell they claim at the time like a better life or more money. "It's not your fault I'm just immature and think my life will be better if I'm with someone who will give me more attention, more money, more time, more children..... at least until I find fault with them too and break their heart like I did yours". :rofl:


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

_"First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do."_ *- Epictetus*

I quote the guy a lot around here -- probably because his writings played a big part in my own work on myself -- but it essentially all boils down to that.

Are you the person you want to be? Probably not right now. The emotional stress of a bad marriage and divorce hurts us all and changes the way we act and think and feel.

So, figure out what kind of person you want be. Then, figure out what you need to do to be that person. Then, do it.

That's how you "work on yourself".

Here's a few examples of what I did...


I started counseling to help get my head back on straight.
I reread some of my favorite philosophers to remind myself of some of the personal core values that I'd lost.
I focused on improving my relationship as a father with my kids.
I visited my doctor to get some help with some minor, but long standing health problems.
I started eating better and lost weight (50 pounds so far!).
I started dressing a little better.
I've never been exceptionally athletic, so I finished a triathlon just to prove that I could.
I volunteered to help with a local tall grass prairie restoration project.
I got back into singing... I joined a group of singers at work who practice once a week at lunch.
I stopped inviting my STBXW to my weekly Dungeons & Dragons game.
I've always wanted to learn how to ride a motorcycle... So I signed up for a class and got my license.
I started traveling to visit family again.
I separated my finances from my STBXW's, made a plan, rebuilt my budget, and eliminated money as a cause for worry.
Generally, I reconnected with old friends, and went out and made some new ones.

There's more, but I'm sure you get the idea. I've got plans for things to do in the future, but that I don't yet have the time or money for, to continue the trend... Building on that volunteer work, I want to turn my front yard into a native prairie flower garden. I want to be debt-free. I want to go back to school to get my Master's degree. I want to convert my 1972 Superbeetle into an electric car, just so I can name it "Lightning Bug". I want to renovate and redecorate my house the way *I* want it. I want to take dance lessons.



Pb.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Good for you, Pb! That's quite a list. :smthumbup:


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Love your list PB! Very inspiring too ! I think I'm going to look for some volunteer work I can do. Chris, you may want to think about something like that.


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> At 35 days out "working on yourself" means breathing in and out, eating as well as you can under the circumstances, resting, crying, mourning, grieving, surviving....
> 
> You watch a gazillion hours of tv, comfort yourself with the internet and maybe a book or two or a beer.
> 
> ...


How long should one 'feel sorry for themselves' and be in the 'poor me' stage. It would be different for anyone, but how long for you? 

This stuff that I can't think of new hobbies I would like to try.. can't really answer what makes me happy.. is just another thing that is making me feel bad


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Chris from IL said:


> How long should one 'feel sorry for themselves' and be in the 'poor me' stage. It would be different for anyone, but how long for you?
> 
> This stuff that I can't think of new hobbies I would like to try.. can't really answer what makes me happy.. is just another thing that is making me feel bad


_"Practice yourself, for heaven's sake, in little things; and thence proceed to greater."_

Start small. Start easy.

First and foremost, get some counseling... If you had a problem with your pipes that you couldn't fix yourself, you'd call a plumber. If you had a trouble with your car that you couldn't handle on your own, you'd hire a mechanic. Go find a professional who can help.

Then, take care of your health and appearance... You'll feel better, you'll think more clearly, and you'll begin to gain self-confidence and self-respect

Next, go out and be with people... Throw a party. Go to a movie with friends. Invite a friend to lunch or dinner or coffee.

For now, do just that much... and the rest will come naturally.


Pb.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

angelpixie said:


> If you want to spend more time with your kids (don't know their ages), maybe try getting involved with something they're doing, like helping to coach a sport they're in, or volunteering at their school.
> 
> Volunteering in general is a really great way to spend your time. If there's a cause you're passionate about (the Humane Society, your local food bank, homeless shelter, etc.), or a cultural event that needs volunteers (if you have a community theater or band), these are terrific ways to find people who share a common interest. And you feel good because you're doing something that contributes.


:iagree:

I have been working on myself for a while, and if I had to pinpoint a turning point for my growth, it was the new way I looked at myself and the way other people looked at me as I coached my kids' sports team.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

walk....

that helped me.

When I had no motivation and wanted to hit the 'poor me' moments....I literally would say, "Get up! Put your shoes on and get out."


It helped clear my head. Then I found myself walking to the local cafe. 

The staff pretty much have my coffee poured for me now when I get there. 

Start small. 

You need to be a strong dad....for your kids. Show them you are.


love and peace


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

Hey chopsy- good recomendation on the meetup.com - I joined a few groups, but havn't had the courage to attend anything yet-- we are on the verge of R - and I don't want to do anything to jeapordize that - like going out to meet up with single women and men-- just doesn't feel right.... maybe though


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Chris, still go. Not to meet up with 'single' people. just to meet up with people. i am in the same boat as you (just posted in other thread heh) but getting a social circle outside of your wife is vital. You need to be happy as a person not just as a husband.

Don't do dating type meetups if you hope for R of course but anything else is fair game. Hell if your wife has seen you shrink into yourself and not go out anymore (seriously dude stop stealing my story..) then that would be a clear sign to her that you are working on things for real and not just in front of her. Even if you end up back together for real, you will need to have a life outside your marriage or you would just revert to the old days at some point.

Who knows, something might come of it where you could invite her along to something and show her the newer more social you in the flesh.


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

Yep, good points. Got to start livin!


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