# When guys want to have sex



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

What do you husbands do when you want to have sex with your wives? What do you say? Or do you guy have "moves" you put on her?


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

It varies but usually it's more physical than verbal. I don't usually just come out and say "Let's have sex." Typically it starts by me giving her physical clues. I don't have a "move" per se, just whatever seems right at the time.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> What do you husbands do when you want to have sex with your wives? What do you say? Or do you guy have "moves" you put on her?


We here at TAM usually get rejected and then throw a passive aggressive temper tantrum. 

My wife and I scheduled sex yesterday, but she rescheduled for today because she was too tired last night. Then this morning she complained that she could not have any personal space because I was being too needy, and I was only making small talk while we were eating breakfast to ask about how her day was going to be. 

So now I am planning to not even talk to her for the rest of the day and just go exercise for lunch instead of taking her out somewhere nice to eat and then being intimate with her.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Marine flag signals work well...


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## Capster (Jun 10, 2014)

I'll roll over on top of her and start kissing her. Or I'll lay on my side and just pull her in towards me and start making out. I try not to do any gentle, beta-type moves any more.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I always loved to come up from behind them, lift their ponytail softly aside(as both W's almost always wore them around the house) and nuzzingly kiss the nape of her neck!

Then coyly inform her that there were lots more of those waiting for her in the boudoir!

Worked damn near every time!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

It's verbal mostly because the touching and kisses are not reserved for sex alone... usually phrases like "let's go have some fun", or when we are working on something together "want to go do something different/let's go do something different", or if it's been a week "let's go drop the blinds and make the neighbors jealous".


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

It varies, sometimes I ask "would you like to have sex?", sometimes I tell my wife what I'm going to do to her and then proceed to do exactly that.

Sometimes I start to kiss her and then nibble her neck or caress her elsewhere, sometimes I kiss her, then walk her to the bed or lounge bend her over and then remove her underpants (if she's wearing any). Whereas In the morning (since we usually sleep naked) when she's awake I will sometimes roll over, start kissing her and then part her cheeks for spooning.

At other times I will sometimes start kissing her while she's standing up which is then followed by fondling her breasts followed by masturbating her to orgasm before moving onto more horizontal sexual pursuits. Sometimes on any day of the weekend if I find her in the bedroom (looking for something/putting something away) I'll lay her on her back on our bed and then kiss and caress her to start.

And on and on in terms of when where and how, the only constant is I don't use the following terms, "make love", "love making", "f***" and "f***ing". Incidentally when my wife initiates she doesn't use the before mentioned terms either since she also prefers to call it "sex" as well.

If she isn't interested she'll tell me "later" or "I don't feel like it at the moment", if she is interested she'll say "sure", "okay", "yes", "I'd like that", and or simply kiss me with wanton hunger, caress me and fondle me in the same way etc.

My wife and I have always shared a lot of sex together.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> What do you husbands do when you want to have sex with your wives? What do you say? Or do you guy have "moves" you put on her?


I find throwing her over my shoulder and taking her up to the bedroom works quite well.

Both in terms of communicating my desire and in terms of improving my odds she doesn't say no.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

john117 said:


> Marine flag signals work well...


Yep.

https://youtu.be/91_jymgH8QY


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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

We both do like the old AT&T ad: 

"Reach out and touch someone"

or maybe grab....

:laugh:


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

My go-to move is the "helicopter".


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Fozzy said:


> My go-to move is the "helicopter".


?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

marduk said:


> ?


The helicopter

edit--well, the link's not going to work.

search urban dictionary for "Helicopter D!ck".


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Fozzy said:


> Urban Dictionary: Helicopter ****


Here I was thinking it was like motorboating, but less moist.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> What do you husbands do when you want to have sex with your wives?


A - cold shower
B - privacy and lube
C - come to TAM and ***** about it.
D - all of the above


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I wonder if the amount of times the man gets denied changes how he approaches wanting to have sex. 

Drives me nuts When my husband says do you want to have sex? There is nothing sexy at all about being asked


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I wonder if the amount of times the man gets denied changes how he approaches wanting to have sex.
> 
> Drives me nuts When my husband says do you want to have sex? There is nothing sexy at all about being asked


And here I thought that it was mandatory to get permission for each move!

Or is that only in California?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> *I wonder if the amount of times the man gets denied changes how he approaches wanting to have sex.*
> 
> Drives me nuts When my husband says do you want to have sex? There is nothing sexy at all about being asked


Absolutely, yes.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> I wonder if the amount of times the man gets denied changes how he approaches wanting to have sex.
> 
> Drives me nuts When my husband says do you want to have sex? There is nothing sexy at all about being asked


A female's receptivity to "just asking" is similarly dependent upon the number of times she gets denied.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Fozzy said:


> Absolutely, yes.




I think a mans self esteem and confidence also comes into play and this may or may not have anything to do with this wife.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

Originally, she would always initiate first, I believe we were both HD and things were good. Then after the birth of my middle child, it just dropped off to almost nothing, I can't figure out why. 

More recently, before she cheated, I had become hesitant on asking and most time wouldn't, in fear of rejection. I had tried everything I could think of, then I felt she cheated and now I'm happy to be on my way out of this miserable life I've had with her regarding love and intimate sex that she lost along the way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

OliviaG said:


> A female's receptivity to "just asking" is similarly dependent upon the number of times she gets denied.


Absolutely. Nobody likes getting swatted across the nose with a newspaper. We all learn eventually.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> The helicopter
> 
> edit--well, the link's not going to work.
> 
> search urban dictionary for "Helicopter D!ck".


FYI, tiny url produces a working link Urban Dictionary: Helicopter Dîck

On topic, nowadays she likes to know in advance so she can get into it (that used to bug me but TAM has taught me that's not totally uncommon) so I'll I tell her I'm coming home early or maybe setting the alarm for a little earlier in the AM.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I wonder if the amount of times the man gets denied changes how he approaches wanting to have sex.


It will skew his reasons and motivation for wanting sex. Instead of something that should occur naturally, spontaneous, and playfully, it turns into something that is stressful and driven by a fundamental desire to just try to reconnect with you regardless of his building desire. Then as desire actually builds, anger and resentment builds along side of this urge as opposed to romantic playfulness.



> Drives me nuts When my husband says do you want to have sex? There is nothing sexy at all about being asked


Odds are he has been dropping hints all day and hoping you would reciprocate and/or initiate, but you missed these hints and/or you may have even reacted as if annoyed by them. Examples might be that he changed his cologne/aftershave, grabbed your butt while you were getting dressed, or even tried to mention how sexy you look. When that garnered no response perhaps then he decided to get you out of the house and take you somewhere fun, but you then you used that opportunity to go return some shirts to Kohls that you decided you don't like. At that point a guy stops hinting and just asks. There is nothing sexy at all about it because you have been missing an entire two-three days of him dropping hints, and by the time he has to ask his desire is building along with his resentment towards you that things can't just be fun and spontaneous with you.

Badsanta


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> I wonder if the amount of times the man gets denied changes how he approaches wanting to have sex.
> 
> Drives me nuts When my husband says do you want to have sex? There is nothing sexy at all about being asked


How often and how do you say no?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> I wonder if the amount of times the man gets denied changes how he approaches wanting to have sex.
> 
> Drives me nuts When my husband says do you want to have sex? There is nothing sexy at all about being asked





katiecrna said:


> I think a mans self esteem and confidence also comes into play and this may or may not have anything to do with this wife.


I'm in the Bad Santa / Married and Confused Camp. With one added note. Since I pretty much want it most of the time, (guys think about sex 120 times per day) Usually I just ignore the urge so I can hold down a job, and eat meals.

The Rules change too often to anticipate what will be considered Sexy, but Thanks for directly speaking out against the obviously false "Consent is sexy". With nearly 30 years of experience working with a single subject, I have found no reliable (works 25% of the time) moves or lines. 

On the other hand I can give you some lines that will shut him down for weeks at a time.


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

when I'm awake...


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

well last night I wanted sex but it is the wrong week. so I simply placed her hand between my legs. she grinned, then ducked below the covers to provide me with relief. When it is not that time of the month, I simply start rubbing on her, though sometimes I will tell her "you, bed, naked, NOW". works 999 out of 1000 tries.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> On the other hand I can give you some lines that will shut him down for weeks at a time.


If you want to shut him down for an extended period of time, promise him more sex if he can stop masturbating. Then once he stops and becomes a little needy, tell him he has a hormonal problem and that ceasing to masturbate actually should make him "just want it less" finally leave you alone! 

Every time he gets aroused, accuse him of doing it to himself.

When you have sex, accuse him of not trying to create any emotional connection and just using you because you are his only available vagina.

When he tries to create an emotional connection, get angry and accuse him of only being your friend because he wants to have sex. 

Repeat to him that you are overweight and that is no way he is attracted to you, and accuse him of just getting aroused from porn and trying to use you.

Every time he does something nice, roll your eyes and tell him he is not getting any, regardless if there are any sexual connotations are not.

Then that one day of the month you are actually aroused and waiting for him to initiate, complain that him just asking for sex is a huge turn off. 

Fail to see that all of the above are the results of low self esteem and blaming your husband for your unhappiness. Then when something arbitrarily happens that puts you in a good mood, share that with your husband and end up having great sex. Then fuss at him to do things that way more often, not realizing that YOU had actually done something to make yourself happy!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

badsanta said:


> If you want to shut him down for an extended period of time, promise him more sex if he can stop masturbating. Then once he stops and becomes a little needy, tell him he has a hormonal problem and that ceasing to masturbate actually should make him "just want it less" finally leave you alone!
> 
> Every time he gets aroused, accuse him of doing it to himself.
> 
> ...


Lol, my ex did most of that.

Of course, she was also ****ing another guy at the time. While complaining that I was fixated on sex because I wanted it more than every few months.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

marduk said:


> How often and how do you say no?




I usually initiate. And we have great sex. When he does initiate He probably asks 75% of the time. And I always tell him I need it to happen naturally or I need to feel wooed or whatever. He hasn't changed.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

OliviaG said:


> I meant the opposite. The less often her husband wants to have sex the more receptive she is to "unromantic" type initiations from him. All of a sudden "wanna do it?" sounds oh, so sexy.




Gotta take what you can get I guess


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

One problem is that we are never fully awake at the same time. We both get home from work/clinical late. Like 8pm. When he gets home he wants to "take a 10 min nap" which is never 10 mins it's usually an hour. I am relaxing and cleaning up the house and dishes. Then I go to bed early (Bc I have to wake up at 415). So I go to bed at 930ish. When I go to bed, I go to bed to sleep. He comes to bed later at like 10-1030, and he then wants to talk. We are both set in our ways and our habits are already established.


And... He doesn't shower when he comes home which is gross. He works like >12 hrs and wants to come home and not shower and have sex? Barf. I have no problem having sex with him but a blow Job is out of the question


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> I usually initiate. And we have great sex. When he does initiate He probably asks 75% of the time. And I always tell him I need it to happen naturally or I need to feel wooed or whatever. He hasn't changed.


What does have it happen naturally mean?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

marduk said:


> What does have it happen naturally mean?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




If we start to cuddle and he touches me and starts to kiss me. To me that's natural.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> If we start to cuddle and he touches me and starts to kiss me. To me that's natural.


Why does him asking for sex turn you off?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

marduk said:


> What does have it happen naturally mean?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




When I initiate... I'm all over him. I whisper dirty things in his ear. When I want it I want it and I find him incredibly sexy. When he wants to have sex he's like... Hey you wanna have sex?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> When I initiate... I'm all over him. I whisper dirty things in his ear. When I want it I want it and I find him incredibly sexy. When he wants to have sex he's like... Hey you wanna have sex?


I'm thinking his initiations are out of obligation, not actually wanting sex. 

It's an offer knowing you'll say no, and then he doesn't feel guilty about it. 

Is that possible?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> One problem is that we are never fully awake at the same time. We both get home from work/clinical late. Like 8pm. When he gets home he wants to "take a 10 min nap" which is never 10 mins it's usually an hour. I am relaxing and cleaning up the house and dishes. Then I go to bed early (Bc I have to wake up at 415). So I go to bed at 930ish. When I go to bed, I go to bed to sleep. He comes to bed later at like 10-1030, and he then wants to talk. We are both set in our ways and our habits are already established.
> 
> 
> And... He doesn't shower when he comes home which is gross. He works like >12 hrs and wants to come home and not shower and have sex? Barf. I have no problem having sex with him but a blow Job is out of the question



Yeah, all that is a problem, especially the not showering part (he's a physician, if I remember correctly?) Yuck!!

You guys need to schedule some time and he needs to be respectful enough to take a shower or he's going to do nothing other than turn you off.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

marduk said:


> I'm thinking his initiations are out of obligation, not actually wanting sex.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I have no idea. Bur he complains sometimes that he doesn't get as much sex as he wants. Yet he doesn't change his approach.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> I have no idea. Bur he complains sometimes that he doesn't get as much sex as he wants. Yet he doesn't change his approach.


He's being lazy and he's taking you for granted. Not sexy.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> I have no idea. Bur he complains sometimes that he doesn't get as much sex as he wants. Yet he doesn't change his approach.


Ok. 

Here's what I want you to do. 

"Husband, stop asking for sex. If you want sex, just kiss me passionately and take me to the bedroom. I will likely almost always say yes."

And then leave it alone. 

If he doesn't do that, I would assume he just doesn't want to have sex with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

marduk said:


> Ok.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Great advice thanks. I'm going to text this to him now so he doesn't forget I said it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

However, if he does do that and you end up saying no anyway, I'd like you to spend some time thinking about that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

marduk said:


> However, if he does do that and you end up saying no anyway, I'd like you to spend some time thinking about that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




However.... He needs to understand that it's not that cut and dry. I am not going to say yes 100% of the time.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> However.... He needs to understand that it's not that cut and dry. I am not going to say yes 100% of the time.


You should never say yes to sex when you don't want to have sex. 

However, you should be open to trying if he's trying to do what you want. 

I guarantee if he tries doing what you say you want a few times and hears no, your requests will just become noise. 

Consider well what you ask for in the sack. Because sometimes what the hardest thing people hear is "yes" to what they say they want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My husband was never one to ask.. his way of communicating was through Touch...his #1 love language... then he'd leave it in my ball park to escalate/ reaching back for him, the kissing, the hands roaming lower....showing I want it too...that was his way in our past.. if I didn't show desire back to him...more than likely he'd just roll over & feel rejected... he never got angry.. at least not showing it... 

Today.. I move in on him probably more than he does me- at least for some action.. he's still naturally very affectionate & open to go there..


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> However.... He needs to understand that it's not that cut and dry. I am not going to say yes 100% of the time.


...wait a minute. As in you want him to want you in the ways that you want to be wanted and when you are ready for him to want you?

By the way that is what all men want by the way! But it is a very awkward for a dominant mistress to play a very passive role only to then get frustrated.

*I call this the "lazy mistress syndrome!"*

Kick his butt and make him get a shower, and get in there with him and make him mind you! Handcuff him to the shower stall if you have to!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

badsanta said:


> ...wait a minute. As in you want him to want you in the ways that you want to be wanted and when you are ready for him to want you?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I hear all the time men on here say that they wish their wife would initiate. It's the same here. I usually initiate and we have great sex Bc I am more of the dominant, emotional, passionate one. 

The problem is, when you ask me if I have a good satisfying sex life I would say yes 100%. Bc when I want sex I go get it and it's always amazing. If you ask my husband if he has a good satisfying sex life he would yea, yea kind of, but it's not as much as I want it. 

When I want sex I usually get sex Bc I will make it happen. When he wants sex, he puts little to no effort then complains he doesn't get enough sex.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

badsanta said:


> ...wait a minute. As in you want him to want you in the ways that you want to be wanted and when you are ready for him to want you?
> 
> By the way that is what all men want by the way! But it is a very awkward for a dominant mistress to play a very passive role only to then get frustrated.
> 
> ...


Either she wants a mind reader or he doesn't want to have sex with her. 

Or both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> I hear all the time men on here say that they wish their wife would initiate. It's the same here. I usually initiate and we have great sex Bc I am more of the dominant, emotional, passionate one.
> 
> The problem is, when you ask me if I have a good satisfying sex life I would say yes 100%. Bc when I want sex I go get it and it's always amazing. If you ask my husband if he has a good satisfying sex life he would yea, yea kind of, but it's not as much as I want it.
> 
> When I want sex I usually get sex Bc I will make it happen. When he wants sex, he puts little to no effort then complains he doesn't get enough sex.


No, you have sex when you want it because when you initiate, he says yes. 

What you want is for him to initiate in ways that will increase your odds of saying yes, right?

Not different reasons for saying no?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> When I initiate... I'm all over him. I whisper dirty things in his ear. When I want it I want it and I find him incredibly sexy. When he wants to have sex he's like... Hey you wanna have sex?


This is a bit of an issue in my situation.

When she initiates (which isn't very often) she can simply be 'all over' me. She can say whatever she wants and just grope me. And I am fine with that.

I can't do the same to her. I can't just talk dirty to her. I can't just grope her because I am horny. I also can't just say, "let's have sex". 

I have be close without being too close. I have to be romantic. If I am too direct, she feels like a piece of meat. It is much harder for me to initiate 'properly' than it is for her to.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

marduk said:


> No, you have sex when you want it because when you initiate, he says yes.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Yea exactly. 
When Im in the mood , I know I need to get my husband in the mood in order to have sex. Therefore I do what I know he likes, whisper dirty things to him, go down on him, touch him whatever. 

The person who wants to have sex and is in the mood should focus on getting the other person in the mood. If the other person is not responsive then it's either 1. It's not the right time and it's not going to happen. 2. Your not turning the other person on.

I personally can't snap my fingers and get in the mood. And what I do know, is that every man and women desires to have a great sex life. So why are there so many people with unhappy sex lives?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> Yea exactly.
> When Im in the mood , I know I need to get my husband in the mood in order to have sex. Therefore I do what I know he likes, whisper dirty things to him, go down on him, touch him whatever.
> 
> The person who wants to have sex and is in the mood should focus on getting the other person in the mood. If the other person is not responsive then it's either 1. It's not the right time and it's not going to happen. 2. Your not turning the other person on.
> ...


The issue is that for women, 'they can just snap their fingers' and the guy is in the mood.

For most women, it takes more than this.

Sounds like you realize this. Sounds like you would be more accepting than many women.

When your husband says, 'let's have sex', you should know how to handle it. Something like, "I would love to, lets cuddle on the couch and watch a show." "Let's go lay down and massage each other."

You should be able to accept 'how' he initiates and work with him to make it enjoyable for the both of you.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

SadSamIAm said:


> This is a bit of an issue in my situation.
> 
> When she initiates (which isn't very often) she can simply be 'all over' me. She can say whatever she wants and just grope me. And I am fine with that.
> 
> ...




I get that. Everyone is different. Your wife knows what turns you on and she will do it when she initiates. And it sounds like you kinda know what you have to do to get your wife in the mood or not. Women are complicated and sometimes they don't even know what turns them on. 

I guess it's trial and error? Or maybe it requires some wine and a open conversation about what turns each other on.

I think it's so important to understand what makes the other person turned on and turned off, and be willing to put in the effort. I bet my husband knows what turns me on, but he doesn't want to put in all that effort Bc he probably thinks it's too time consuming, or doesn't understand why I need that, or whatever. Sometimes men think Its easier to watch porn and masterbate.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> I get that. Everyone is different. Your wife knows what turns you on and she will do it when she initiates. And it sounds like you kinda know what you have to do to get your wife in the mood or not. Women are complicated and sometimes they don't even know what turns them on.
> 
> I guess it's trial and error? Or maybe it requires some wine and a open conversation about what turns each other on.
> 
> I think it's so important to understand what makes the other person turned on and turned off, and be willing to put in the effort. I bet my husband knows what turns me on, but he doesn't want to put in all that effort Bc he probably thinks it's too time consuming, or doesn't understand why I need that, or whatever. Sometimes men think Its easier to watch porn and masterbate.


Is he lazy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

@marduk you have read my posts. He works like a dog at work/residency and is chronically tired. I feel like he is a little lazy In the home but it could just be Bc he exhausted. When it comes to sex, he's not lazy at all during it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

The trick is to be open. Be open to trying to get in the mood. Be open to becoming aroused, maybe later than normal. Be open when he wants sex. HOWEVER, you need to make it clear the things that turn you off. Being unwashed and smelly would not work for a lot of women. 

I don't think it's entirely fair that those of us with responsive desire expect our lovers to jump through hoops to get laid. 

I told my H he could drop his boxes and point at his package as a prelude to sex, so long as he did that from the guest bungalows in Fiji.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> I told my H he could drop his boxes and point at his package as a prelude to sex, so long as he did that from the guest bungalows in Fiji.


Lol...that sounds fair...


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

I just roll over and press my erection against her leg, then start stroking her body, and kissing her all over. She always warms up.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: When guys want to have s*



katiecrna said:


> @marduk you have read my posts. He works like a dog at work/residency and is chronically tired. I feel like he is a little lazy In the home but it could just be Bc he exhausted. When it comes to sex, he's not lazy at all during it.


But that's exactly what I'm getting at. 

You seem to have expectations that he isn't always going to be able to meet. 

And you seem to think he's lazy, then you seem to think he should know what you want, and then you seem to think he should know when you're open to it, and then you're careful to say it doesn't mean you'll say yes if he does it. 

If I was with someone like that and doing my residency I'd probably just have a nap knowing you'd wake me up if you wanted sex. It sounds exhausting just thinking about it.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> Women are complicated and sometimes they don't even know what turns them on.


Ah ha yes you are getting it! And the rules change constantly , you need to add in this part.



katiecrna said:


> I *bet* my husband knows what turns me on, but he doesn't want to put in all that effort Bc he *probably* thinks it's too time consuming, or doesn't understand why I need that, or whatever. *Sometimes* men think Its easier to watch porn and masterbate.


And KA Boom! you let your suspicions and paranoia take you back to the Dark side. These are not facts. This is your frustration looking for a scapegoat. This kind of thinking will not lead to a solution. It could lead to dissolution.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Re: When guys want to have s*



marduk said:


> But that's exactly what I'm getting at.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




He knows what turns me on. And I have told him a million times that it drives me nuts when he asks me if I want to have sex Bc it's not sexy and I don't like it. So I don't expect him to know what I want. I make it 100% clear what I want.

I said that it doesn't mean I'm going to do it every single time. We need to be realistic, there are times that sex is off the table no matter what someone does, that's life. Of course I will be open to having sex, I always am. I don't always say no when he says "do you want to have sex". And let me put it out there, when he says let's have sex and I say yes, He will usually sit there and wait for me to make a move.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: When guys want to have s*



katiecrna said:


> He knows what turns me on. And I have told him a million times that it drives me nuts when he asks me if I want to have sex Bc it's not sexy and I don't like it. So I don't expect him to know what I want. I make it 100% clear what I want.
> 
> I said that it doesn't mean I'm going to do it every single time. We need to be realistic, there are times that sex is off the table no matter what someone does, that's life. Of course I will be open to having sex, I always am. I don't always say no when he says "do you want to have sex". And let me put it out there, when he says let's have sex and I say yes, He will usually sit there and wait for me to make a move.


You know he's exhausted, right?

He's pulling what, 80 hour weeks?


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> I get that. Everyone is different. Your wife knows what turns you on and she will do it when she initiates. And it sounds like you kinda know what you have to do to get your wife in the mood or not. Women are complicated and sometimes they don't even know what turns them on.
> 
> I guess it's trial and error? Or maybe it requires some wine and a open conversation about what turns each other on.
> 
> I think it's so important to understand what makes the other person turned on and turned off, and be willing to put in the effort. I bet my husband knows what turns me on, but he doesn't want to put in all that effort Bc he probably thinks it's too time consuming, or doesn't understand why I need that, or whatever. Sometimes men think Its easier to watch porn and masterbate.


I bet your husband doesn't know. Because you don't know. What worked yesterday might not work today.

You have to accept him the way he is. When he says, "I want to have sex", you need to understand that is his way of initiating. You need to work with him on it. 

Have some fun with it. When he says "I want to have sex" say, "If you play your cards right!" Let him know you are up to it, if the mood is right. He might up his game if he is assured he isn't going to be rejected.


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: When guys want to have s*



marduk said:


> But that's exactly what I'm getting at.
> 
> You seem to have expectations that he isn't always going to be able to meet.
> 
> ...


This is something I struggle with as well. I don't know why my sex drive seems so elusive and ever changing. I have theories. But have not been able to fix it despite making efforts to. Because it is ever changing it is a total crap shoot what will turn me on from day to day. 

I would very much like to feel that I could consistently respond to my husbands advances. (Assuming he were to approach me - he doesn't.) I would like even more to be able to give him a play book and tell him here are the things to try when you want some, and know that they would work. 

The truth is that he could flip the switch perfectly one day, and then that move might not work again for months. I do not know why. I often feel that I am a hostage to my body and have little control over it. 

Because I cannot guarantee that any requests that I make will actually work, I do not make any suggestions or requests of him. I have no interest in setting him up to fail and to be honest, the idea of the pressure that would place on ME to make sure I enthusiastically say yes if he does anything I ask turns me off. Perhaps performance anxiety. I don't know.

As a result our sex life has been left entirely up to me. When I am ready I go to him, and he is happy to participate. Never says no. 

He will never approach me outside of that. I assume he finds it too frustrating. I also assume he's taking care of himself in between the times I approach him. 

This dynamic has been going on for years and I have not found any real solution to it.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Re: When guys want to have s*



marduk said:


> You know he's exhausted, right?
> 
> 
> 
> He's pulling what, 80 hour weeks?




Then why is he complaining that he isn't getting enough sex??? And why is that my fault if he is unwilling to do things that will increase his likelihood of having Sex? I'm not asking him to write me a Sonnet and give me an hr massage. I'm asking for him to touch me and show me he thinks I'm sexy. Not sit there sweaty and unshowered after working 12 hrs and saying... Wanna have sex? Maybe you don't know this, but that is not a girls dream scenario.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: When guys want to have s*



kag123 said:


> This is something I struggle with as well. I don't know why my sex drive seems so elusive and ever changing. I have theories. But have not been able to fix it despite making efforts to. Because it is ever changing it is a total crap shoot what will turn me on from day to day.
> 
> I would very much like to feel that I could consistently respond to my husbands advances. (Assuming he were to approach me - he doesn't.) I would like even more to be able to give him a play book and tell him here are the things to try when you want some, and know that they would work.
> 
> ...


Communication.


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: When guys want to have s*



marduk said:


> Communication.


Communicate what? 

When there are no answers to give, there is nothing to communicate except for escalating frustration. 

That is not helpful. 

I would even argue it is toxic.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

And I understand he is tired. Believe me. But I am a person in this marriage too.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: When guys want to have s*



katiecrna said:


> Then why is he complaining that he isn't getting enough sex??? And why is that my fault if he is unwilling to do things that will increase his likelihood of having Sex? I'm not asking him to write me a Sonnet and give me an hr massage. I'm asking for him to touch me and show me he thinks I'm sexy. Not sit there sweaty and unshowered after working 12 hrs and saying... Wanna have sex? Maybe you don't know this, but that is not a girls dream scenario.


What if that's all he's got?

Let's flip the roles. You work an 80 our week. You come home exhausted and just want your husband. 

You don't have the energy to go put on some lingerie or light some candles. You just want the connection and a nap. 

And you know that there's good odds at being shut down for what looks like random reasons to you. 

How often are you going to summon the energy to put on lingerie and light those candles? Or are you going to basically ask if it's going to work before you put the effort in?


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Re: When guys want to have s*



marduk said:


> What if that's all he's got?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




How can you even compare putting on lingerie and lighting candles to touching your spouse and telling them something sexy about how much you want them. You are so biased and you can never see any fault that my husband does.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

It takes the same amount of energy to say... I have had such a long day at work but I have been fantasizing about you naked on top of me all day then it does to say... Want to have sex? I mean come on


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: When guys want to have s*



kag123 said:


> Communicate what?
> 
> When there are no answers to give, there is nothing to communicate except for escalating frustration.
> 
> ...


All sex is at the end of the day is communication.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: When guys want to have s*



katiecrna said:


> How can you even compare putting on lingerie and lighting candles to touching your spouse and telling them something sexy about how much you want them. You are so biased and you can never see any fault that my husband does.


I'm actually on your side. 

Did you text him what I said?


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> It takes the same amount of energy to say... I have had such a long day at work but I have been fantasizing about you naked on top of me all day then it does to say... Want to have sex? I mean come on


If he says that again, tell him if you do or not. Tell him if you'd be open to it if he would X or y you. 

And if he doesn't, he either doesn't want to, or doesn't have it in him.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

@marduk he said "you got it haha"


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

*Re: When guys want to have s*



katiecrna said:


> Then why is he complaining that he isn't getting enough sex??? And why is that my fault if he is unwilling to do things that will increase his likelihood of having Sex? I'm not asking him to write me a Sonnet and give me an hr massage. I'm asking for him to touch me and show me he thinks I'm sexy. Not sit there sweaty and unshowered after working 12 hrs and saying... Wanna have sex? Maybe you don't know this, but that is not a girls dream scenario.


When he says, "Wanna have sex?" You say, "Go have a shower and I will light some candles and open a bottle of wine".

Men are not mind readers. One night I can go into the bedroom and light some candles and warm up some massage oil and I am the sweetest guy. Then next 6 times I do that and I am an ******* that treats her like a piece of meat.

Just so you know, a guys dream scenario is to work a 12 hour shift and then walk in the door to a wife dressed in Lingerie (or nothing at all) that is ready to please him.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> @marduk he said "you got it haha"


If he tries it when you're not ready for it or messes up, try to be open to it ok?

And try to broadcast when you'd be open to it or not.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

marduk said:


> If he tries it when you're not ready for it or messes up, try to be open to it ok?
> 
> 
> 
> And try to broadcast when you'd be open to it or not.




I agree 100%. All I'm asking for is effort Bc I know he's tired. I will for sure make an effort to have sex when he is putting in effort. And believe me, he is very sensitive and I know if he puts effort in and I say no I will set myself back.


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> It takes the same amount of energy to say... I have had such a long day at work but I have been fantasizing about you naked on top of me all day then it does to say... Want to have sex? I mean come on


Have you told him this? All he has to do is say it in a different way? 

If this is true and you have told him that is all that is required of him, then he is either lazy or really doesn't want to have sex with you.

I could never walk in the door and say either of those things to my wife and have her be happy about it. 

Be honest .... So he walks in and says "I have had such a long day at work but I have been fantasizing about you naked on top of me all day" What percentage of the time, would you be receptive?


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Re: When guys want to have s*



SadSamIAm said:


> When he says, "Wanna have sex?" You say, "Go have a shower and I will light some candles and open a bottle of wine".
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Wow your wife should be happy that your making such a nice effort. 

I should make a trail of my clothes leading into the shower where I will be waiting for him with soap then a BJ haha


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

*Re: When guys want to have s*



katiecrna said:


> Wow your wife should be happy that your making such a nice effort.
> 
> I should make a trail of my clothes leading into the shower where I will be waiting for him with soap then a BJ haha


That would work 100% of the time for me. But so would "Wanna have sex!"


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Katie and Kag thank you so much for participating on this topic. I'm really gaining a lot from your comments. Things that are helping me understand my home situation. 

One thing that seems to keep coming up is that when one partner keeps getting rejected they stop trying. Stop initiating. Stop Communicating. This, I think, is why when I try to engage Mrs Nail in intimate conversation (not Dirty talk - but I wouldn't reject that) she just clams up. Dead silence. She Doesn't understand what it is I'm looking for, and she is tired of trying and missing. I'm not sure I could explain my needs any better than you can.

The other hot button issue here is the Shower. That one we have. We shower together. I highly recommend it. In fact "getting hot and wet together" in our house is code for hit the showers.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

SadSamIAm said:


> Have you told him this? All he has to do is say it in a different way?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I would 100% be intrigued and flattered and open to having sex if he said that. To me, there is nothing sexier than when someone desires you so much sexually. 
And my husband is the same way. He loves it when I'm in the mood and I initiate Bc I have a really strong desire and I'm kinda selfish like it has to happen now or else I have to masterbate Bc I have a strong overwhelming feeling. So I have a sense of urgency, I need you now type of thing that he loves so we always have crazy sex when I initiate. 
When he "initiates" it's like low energy, I don't feel his desire, he has little effort. I'd rather take a nap. 

And the above completely defines our personalities. I'm black and white. He is gray. When I'm happy, I'm sunshine. When I'm mad... I am very scary. And he usually stays around the same old happyish go lucky passive personality.


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

My husband gets this look on his face when he wants sex.......or, if it is in the morning, he'll stay in bed and cuddle me awake, instead of getting up first and making tea. 

If I want sex, I'll stick my bum in his face or ask if he wants to "play masseuse" before bed.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> @marduk he said "you got it haha"


Ugh! 

When I become queen of the world all heterosexual men will have to read 2 erotic romance books Per Year! 

Good lord, how hard is it come up with something sexy?


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Ugh!
> 
> When I become queen of the world all heterosexual men will have to read 2 erotic romance books Per Year!
> 
> Good lord, how hard is it come up with something sexy?


please forward suggested titles, I need 20 years worth.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@Mr. Nail

Go to literotica dot com and click on anything in the Romance Genre. Granted, most of it sucks, but even in the bad ones you can get ideas on saying something sexy to a woman. Think opposite of "pull my finger."


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: When guys want to have s*



marduk said:


> But that's exactly what I'm getting at.
> 
> You seem to have expectations that he isn't always going to be able to meet.
> 
> ...


QFT.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: When guys want to have s*



farsidejunky said:


> QFT.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


You quoted for truth. 

This is why my advice to the OP would be - tread carefully, and count your victories. If he never turns you down when you initiate that is a good thing. 

If you can't sum up your desires and some concrete requests for him in less than 200 words, and if you aren't 100% sure that the requests you are making will even work 100% of the time, at this juncture it may be better to just be passive and be thankful for what you do have. As crazy as his schedule is right now he is not going to have the energy to be fully involved and any failures would likely hit him harder than during a non stressful time.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: When guys want to have s*



kag123 said:


> You quoted for truth.
> 
> This is why my advice to the OP would be - tread carefully, and count your victories. If he never turns you down when you initiate that is a good thing.
> 
> If you can't sum up your desires and some concrete requests for him in less than 200 words, and if you aren't 100% sure that the requests you are making will even work 100% of the time, at this juncture it may be better to just be passive and be thankful for what you do have. As crazy as his schedule is right now he is not going to have the energy to be fully involved and any failures would likely hit him harder than during a non stressful time.


Or just stop when you get a yes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> @Mr. Nail
> 
> Go to literotica dot com and click on anything in the Romance Genre. Granted, most of it sucks, but even in the bad ones you can get ideas on saying something sexy to a woman. Think opposite of "pull my finger."


"Push my finger?"

Oh, I get it. That's dirty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I'm over 45. When I wake up with morning wood, I roll to my back, lift the sheets, and tell my wife "Hey honey, check this out!"


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> I'm over 45. When I wake up with morning wood, I roll to my back, lift the sheets, and tell my wife "Hey honey, check this out!"


*If that had happened to me, my RSXW would have momentarily leered at the morning wood and would have said something attuned to, "Sorry honey, but you'd better go see your doctor, because I think that maybe your arteries are hardening!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

@marduk ok so last night we went to bed... I kid you not he says to me... Do you want to 69? At first I thought he was joking but he didn't laugh. So I said... Is that a joke? And he said no why. And I said again that's a joke right? And he said um I guess so by the way your responding. And then we went to bed. 
Ahh I'm so annoyed.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Has he always lacked confidence or is this recent?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> @marduk ok so last night we went to bed... I kid you not he says to me... Do you want to 69? At first I thought he was joking but he didn't laugh. So I said... Is that a joke? And he said no why. And I said again that's a joke right? And he said um I guess so by the way your responding. And then we went to bed.
> Ahh I'm so annoyed.


It sounds to me as though this is a power struggle between you.


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

My H is an incredibly selfish lover, if he can even be called that. He could care less about consent or if I enjoy it. His idea of initiation is to wait until I'm half asleep, roll over on top of me, yank my pjs off, and pound into me for the next 20 minutes or more (he takes a long time to finish). By the time he's done I'm in pain and generally have to go soak in the tub to feel normal again.

It wasn't like this when we were early in our relationship but I have to admit it's never really been good. I orgasmed easily when I was younger but after it stopped happening easily he never made any effort to help me get there.

Now that he's gone I don't miss our sex life at all.

Now my college boyfriend - he was a different story. I don't think we had sex in a bed more than a few times. He liked the thrill of the semi-public place and I have to admit that was a major turn on! All he had to do is whisper "let's go do it (wherever)" and I was ready to go. H was never up for that kind of thing. He didn't even like doing it in the car or shower.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Has he always lacked confidence or is this recent?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk




He's always been insecure. But he use to be romantic and put more effort. this current situation has been like this for about a year.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

No words of wisdom about what is going on but TBH looking at it from the outside it is a train wreck waiting to happen. Communication in a non confrontational way is extremely valuable especially when there is hurt and frustration happening.

We have a life journey book we keep and have it broken into various sub headings, one of them is about our sex life. We put time aside to talk about our sex life, goals, issues etc with the view to having positive communication about sex. In the course of these talks it is amazing just how differently we perceive some things and how one little issue can turn into a big one if not corrected quickly. 

Do you two have open, honest and non confrontational discussions about sex?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

katiecrna said:


> @marduk ok so last night we went to bed... I kid you not he says to me... Do you want to 69? At first I thought he was joking but he didn't laugh. So I said... Is that a joke? And he said no why. And I said again that's a joke right? And he said um I guess so by the way your responding. And then we went to bed.
> Ahh I'm so annoyed.


*You should have jumped all over his a$$ right then and there!

After all, "Actions do speak louder than words!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> He's always been insecure. But he use to be romantic and put more effort. this current situation has been like this for about a year.


Did the romance die with the new job, or before?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Did the romance die with the new job, or before?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


It died about half way through residency


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Holland said:


> No words of wisdom about what is going on but TBH looking at it from the outside it is a train wreck waiting to happen. Communication in a non confrontational way is extremely valuable especially when there is hurt and frustration happening.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




We can talk about anything including sex. But it doesn't mean to change anything.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> @marduk ok so last night we went to bed... I kid you not he says to me... Do you want to 69? At first I thought he was joking but he didn't laugh. So I said... Is that a joke? And he said no why. And I said again that's a joke right? And he said um I guess so by the way your responding. And then we went to bed.
> Ahh I'm so annoyed.


You both ****ed up there.

He should not have been asked, but he did at least tell you what he wanted.

You got turned off by his question, but you could have said "I'd be open to it if we cuddled naked for a while and kissed and then you moved me into position without asking me."

It could have been a glorious night. Or it could have been a frustrating one.

You're both writing this story, I'm afraid.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

on the other hand, Mrs Nail woke up this morning and rolled over to me until I massaged her shoulders and neck which she verbally appreciated. Then on her way to the shower, she said "have fun". Which is her code for I'm busy, take care of your self. 
You may think this is a bad morning for me, but it is a lot of sexual interaction, and I really liked it. 
I'm a little suspicious that Katie is hunting a unicorn. Be happy with the horny toad.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

marduk said:


> You both ****ed up there.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I disagree. I wasn't in the mood. Plus I am not going to reward him for doing exactly what I told him not to do. He did it on purpose.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> I disagree. I wasn't in the mood. Plus I am not going to reward him for doing exactly what I told him not to do. He did it on purpose.


Maybe. Have you asked him why he did it instead of just starting things up?

Is 69'ing a new thing? If it is, it isn't unreasonable to discuss it before springing it on you.

Waitaminute -- you weren't in the mood? After basically texting him and telling him you'd be open to it?

So if he would have initiated the way you wanted, you would have still said no?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

marduk said:


> "Push my finger?"
> 
> Oh, I get it. That's dirty.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Immature boys like to play 'pull my finger'. When the other kid pulls the finger, the first boy farts. Not sexy.

What were you thinking of?


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You are painting a 2-inch line for him to come to you, knowing he has size 9 shoes. Then you get angry at him for not being able to stay on that line?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

badsanta said:


> If you want to shut him down for an extended period of time, promise him more sex if he can stop masturbating. Then once he stops and becomes a little needy, tell him he has a hormonal problem and that ceasing to masturbate actually should make him "just want it less" finally leave you alone!
> 
> Every time he gets aroused, accuse him of doing it to himself.
> 
> ...


You're going to have me crying one of these days. I trust not all of these situations have occurred with you.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> Immature boys like to play 'pull my finger'. When the other kid pulls the finger, the first boy farts. Not sexy.
> 
> What were you thinking of?


The "push my finger" game. It generally has a more pleasant and less stinky outcome.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

marduk said:


> Maybe. Have you asked him why he did it instead of just starting things up?
> 
> Is 69'ing a new thing? If it is, it isn't unreasonable to discuss it before springing it on you.
> 
> ...




No I would have said yes if he initiated without a question. And no 69is not new.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> No I would have said yes if he initiated without a question. And no 69is not new.


So the one and only thing that was the problem is that he asked you for it.

If you would have said yes and then he started fooling around with you, it would not have got you in the mood?

It's done and over the second words come out of his mouth with a question mark at the end?


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> You are painting a 2-inch line for him to come to you, knowing he has size 9 shoes. Then you get angry at him for not being able to stay on that line?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk




2 inch line? Your joking right? There are so many different ways he can show me he wants to have sex. I told him not to just sit there and ask. And who said I'm annoyed? It's frustrating but it's not like I got mad at him for it.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> You are painting a 2-inch line for him to come to you, knowing he has size 9 shoes. Then you get angry at him for not being able to stay on that line?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


There's a thought, a field sobriety test


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

marduk said:


> So the one and only thing that was the problem is that he asked you for it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Whenever he does ask and I say yes... He doesn't make a move. He just sits there and waits for me. The text I sent him couldn't be more clear and he literally did nothing different.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Katie--when you do end up having sex, what is he like? Tentative? Dominant? Performance issues? Selfish?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Fozzy said:


> Katie--when you do end up having sex, what is he like? Tentative? Dominant? Performance issues? Selfish?




Usually it's great. He is not selfish at all. Sometimes he gets performance problems, which isn't new but doesn't happen too often.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Does he hesitate to switch things up in the middle? Change positions, try different moves, etc? Does he ask you beforehand, or does he just do it? I'm just trying to get a feel for what's motivating this behavior, because it kind of sounds like he's terrified to initiate based on what you're saying about him sitting and waiting after getting a 'yes'.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> Whenever he does ask and I say yes... He doesn't make a move. He just sits there and waits for me. The text I sent him couldn't be more clear and he literally did nothing different.


When you started dating, who persued who?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> He knows what turns me on. And I have told him a million times that it drives me nuts when he asks me if I want to have sex Bc it's not sexy and I don't like it. So I don't expect him to know what I want. I make it 100% clear what I want.
> 
> I said that it doesn't mean I'm going to do it every single time. We need to be realistic, there are times that sex is off the table no matter what someone does, that's life. Of course I will be open to having sex, I always am. I don't always say no when he says "do you want to have sex". And let me put it out there, when he says let's have sex and I say yes, He will usually sit there and wait for me to make a move.





katiecrna said:


> @marduk ok so last night we went to bed... I kid you not he says to me... Do you want to 69? At first I thought he was joking but he didn't laugh. So I said... Is that a joke? And he said no why. And I said again that's a joke right? And he said um I guess so by the way your responding. And then we went to bed.
> Ahh I'm so annoyed.





katiecrna said:


> He's always been insecure. But he use to be romantic and put more effort. this current situation has been like this for about a year.


 @katiecrna it has been a while since I have been with my wife and I was in the mood, so I started hugging and kissing her. She smiled and indicated she had a busy day. As in to subconsciously signal "I'm not in the mood for sex right now." So I told her that I wanted her and for her to get naked. She complained that she felt yucky and that she would need a shower, so I calmly insisted she go get in the shower. She freaking blew up at me and said that I was not having any consideration for her feelings and that I was retarded if I thought I could get sex by just insisting we have sex. I responded very calmly that I had been in the mood for days and that she needed to get a shower so she could be comfortable and get naked. I sat there for 15 minutes and I was berated with a lecture on how my request was rude and that I was being incredibly mean to her. She stormed out of the room and said she had to calm down. I sat there for 15 minutes to allow her to calm down and then called to her to let her know I was still waiting for her to get a shower. She came back into the room upset and got a shower.

She got naked and we proceeded to be intimate. After a while her mood finally turned around and we had a very nice moment together before having sex. She has now been in a great mood all afternoon! 

...now the point I am making by sharing this story, is that it took everything within me to stay very calm and NOT back down from my wife's temper tantrum. At no time did I force her to do anything sexual, other than insist she get comfortable and lay down naked next to me. 

So if your husband asked for a 69, that was his way of saying, "I'm in the mood to be kinky!" You responded by telling him he was a joke instead of responding in a playful mood and instructing him how you would need him to initiate foreplay. Odds are if he would have insisted and pursued sex with you, you would have blown up and stormed out of the room. And by doing so you send the following messages to your husband:


You are a joke!
I do not want sex with you!
I am not in the mood!
You are upsetting me!
Get away from me!

Not many men have the courage to stand up to that, forgive it, remain patient, calm, and insist on being loved! I knew exactly what I was getting myself into, and did I fuss at my wife for her temper tantrum? NO, I told her she was just a "little spicy" sometimes, but that I can handle spicy foods. Now do I like that type of spice in the bedroom, no it still takes a toll, but I have to man up and not show it. I tell her that I don't like her being spicy all the time and she has made an effort to be better.

The next time your husband asks if you want a 69, how about you smile and ask him how bad he wants it, and then make him start begging you for it, while at the same time you show him you are going to be worth him begging you! At that point you can probably get him to do whatever you want and also rock his world. But NO, you called him a "joke" for him giving you the most basic indication that he wanted to be with you.

Yes you want him to approach you differently, but at the same time he is your husband and you ALSO should learn to love him and accept him just the way he is. All it takes is a little change in your perception, that is all.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Fozzy said:


> Does he hesitate to switch things up in the middle? Change positions, try different moves, etc? Does he ask you beforehand, or does he just do it? I'm just trying to get a feel for what's motivating this behavior, because it kind of sounds like he's terrified to initiate based on what you're saying about him sitting and waiting after getting a 'yes'.




He is dominant and switches positions ect. He does not ask. He is dominant in the bedroom, more passive outside the bedroom.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

marduk said:


> When you started dating, who persued who?




I persued him. He was a very very very shy ultra religious lived in a bubble type of kid. Btw we met and started dating in high school.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> He is dominant and switches positions ect. He does not ask. He is dominant in the bedroom, more passive outside the bedroom.


This isn't computing, Katie.

I want you to try something.

Text your husband "tonight I want to do anything you want. I will be open to anything. If you try something that I don't want, I will speak up and clearly say no. Otherwise, you can feel safe that if I'm not saying no, it's a yes. But I don't want you to say a word to me until you're done with me."

See what he does.

If he does nothing after a text like that, he doesn't want you. Because I'd be home in 30 seconds with about 10 new kinky things to do. The fun part would be trying to communicate what he wanted without saying a word.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> I persued him. He was a very very very shy ultra religious lived in a bubble type of kid. Btw we met and started dating in high school.


Aha.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> You're going to have me crying one of these days. I trust not all of these situations have occurred with you.


Not only has my wife done all these to me, but that is only part of the list. Over the years I have finally come to realize that her behavior is the result of her own very low self esteem. 

If I desire sex with her, she honestly feels that I am arbitrarily aroused or that some other woman on TV or the internet got me aroused and that I am trying to use her for sex. I spend a great deal of time attributing my arousal to her and explaining what it is about my wife that I love. She responds well to this, but she seems to be very skeptical of what I tell her because she does not believe she is beautiful. 

I honestly feel her main reason to reject me is because she is ashamed of how she looks and feels uncomfortable being naked. She has trouble seeing herself through my eyes.

Do I take that personally, I try not to. I'm not perfect and it will get to me, but I understand it is very hard for her to feel loved because she is also imperfect. I have to find a way to love and accept her just as she is, and once I am patient enough she responds.

I am sharing this because I also feel @katiecrna has some self esteem issues and is not confident enough to know her husband loves her and that her behavior has probably taken a toll on his self esteem as well. 

While love is patient and enduring, if he has very long and hard working hours it is likely the world has drained him of his patience by the end of the day. If anything he has likely had to be so patient with everything at his job that when he comes home and simply needs someone to be just a little patient with him in order to feel loved. 

Badsanta


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So sorry. Hope I'm not overstepping; but, it seems that in protecting herself she resorts to cruelty on occasion (possibly not even aware of it). Any chance of a sex therapist? It is doubtful you would ridicule her body so somewhere she got the impression that she doesn't measure up when naked.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> So sorry. Hope I'm not overstepping; but, it seems that in protecting herself she resorts to cruelty on occasion (possibly not even aware of it). *Any chance of a sex therapist?* It is doubtful you would ridicule her body so somewhere she got the impression that she doesn't measure up when naked.


She has repeatedly suggested that I am the one that needs a therapist to help me learn how to cope with my overactive libido and stop harassing her. She complains my libido makes her feel inadequate.

Odds are @katiecrna feels she is a good lover and that her husbands complaint that they do not have enough sex makes her feel inadequate. Sadly she will likely never try to see that equation from the other side, and that his complaint is actually the biggest compliment a wife could ever hope to have .... a husband that desires her! 

She will read this and think it is a lie because if he loves and desires her, he would show it exactly the way she wants him to. 

Badsanta


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

While your Acme Inc methods work for now, I would be more concerned about ten or fifteen years down the road... Not because she's feeling inadequate but because at some point she will take serious action upon feeling inadequate...

I would also look into my own actions and see if they can be perceived as pressuring. I would therefore take the therapy suggestion at face value.

The pursuit may be fun at 35 or 40 but grows very old very quickly.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

john117 said:


> While your Acme Inc methods work for now, I would be more concerned about ten or fifteen years down the road... Not because she's feeling inadequate but because at some point she will take serious action upon feeling inadequate...
> 
> I would also look into my own actions and see if they can be perceived as pressuring. I would therefore take the therapy suggestion at face value.
> 
> The pursuit may be fun at 35 or 40 but grows very old very quickly.


 @katiecrna this comment from John is meant for me. You can disregard it. He compares my methods of seducing my wife to that of Wile E Coyote trying to catch the Road Runner. It is a metaphor suggesting everything I try will eventually serve to backfire on me.

The odd thing is that I never remember Wile E Coyote catching the Road Runner with very successful plans at the beginning of each show...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The operative word here is "eventually".

Intimacy is not rocket science and if/when it becomes such, there is time for serious relationship introspection.


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## SierraRenee (Sep 8, 2014)

9 times out of 10, I am the initiator. Tonight I said "let's get in the shower honey, I'm horny and we are having fun." When he initiates he usually lays on the bed naked and calls me to come to bed. To communicate with my husband it's a lot less stressful if I just put my feelings out there. If I wait for him it may require more of a build up on his part.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

I don't understand tbis thread! Why are so many people here ragging on katiecra, assuming she is always saying no, yanking her husband's chain, basically projecting their unhappy sex lives onto her?

As I read what she is saying she does say yes, she does initiate, she does her best to give her husband what he wants. Meanwhile he's complaining that it's not enough, yet refuses to do anything she asks in order to initiate the sex he supposedly wants.

Sounds to me like he's the one playing games. And, katiecrna, if it were me and my husband were complaining about not getting what he wants, I'd just say something like "I've told you 1000 times what you could do if you wanted to seduce me. Yet you won't." Basically your problem, not mine.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

FrenchFry said:


> @katiecrna
> 
> Two questions:
> 
> ...





katiecrna said:


> *Whenever he does ask and I say yes... He doesn't make a move. He just sits there and waits for me.* The text I sent him couldn't be more clear and he literally did nothing different.


She has admitted that she is often sexually dominant and initiates great sex when she wants it, and that he is rather shy coming from an ultra religious family background. 

From reading this thread it sounds as if he used to be more romantic and things would naturally happen without him bluntly asking, but_ in my opinion_ this was likely early in the relationship when sex was more abundant and she was much more receptive. Odds are that the frequency has slowly declined and for the first time has revealed a situation where he wants to be intimate when she has not yet signaled to him that day that she is ready and receptive. Odds are he has never been in a situation where he has to initiate things from a completely cold start and he does not know what to do.

*So my question to add is that when they started dating and were having sex for the first few times. Did he initiate then?*

Badsanta


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

FrenchFry said:


> @katiecrna
> 
> 
> 
> ...




If I say no, nothing happens, we go on to whatever we were doing. 

If I say sure... I usually don't wait long before I make a move so I can't answer that question.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

badsanta said:


> She has admitted that she is often sexually dominant and initiates great sex when she wants it, and that he is rather shy coming from an ultra religious family background.
> 
> From reading this thread it sounds as if he used to be more romantic and things would naturally happen without him bluntly asking, but_ in my opinion_ this was likely early in the relationship when sex was more abundant and she was much more receptive. Odds are that the frequency has slowly declined and for the first time has revealed a situation where he wants to be intimate when she has not yet signaled to him that day that she is ready and receptive. Odds are he has never been in a situation where he has to initiate things from a completely cold start and he does not know what to do.
> 
> ...




We waited till marriage to have sex and live together.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> If I say sure... I usually don't wait long before I make a move so I can't answer that question.


Wait a minute, is this one of those M.C. Escher threads?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

*Re: When guys want to have s*



marduk said:


> What if that's all he's got?
> 
> Let's flip the roles. You work an 80 our week. You come home exhausted and just want your husband.
> 
> ...


I can say that I was in this situation for a long time and that is exactly how I felt.

Didn't have the energy to do a song and dance.

Went for it, got shot down for not doing it "right", got mad about it.

Eventually I just stopped going for it.

Even when I stopped working all the time.

Rejections and the sense that you can never do it right add up.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> He's always been insecure. But he use to be romantic and put more effort. this current situation has been like this for about a year.


I'm guessing he didn't see any return on his romantic investment.

Not trying to knock you. Just consider this.


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