# 11months marriage and still no sex,I'm scared.



## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

I got married about 11months ago to my BF of 3 yrs. During courtship we never had sex as we both decided we would wait till we get married. After marriage we had problems with penetration cos we were both naïve. The part that got to me the most was the lack of passion and interest in sex from him. I was always the 1 to initiate getting physical cos sex was something I had always looked forward to. It got so bad that I started feeling so low most of the time.never in my dreams did it occur to me that I'd be practically begging a man for sex. I know I have a healthy sex drive and I'm attractive.To think that I broke up wt my ex cos I felt he was getting more physical and I may not be able to resist after a while. Right now, we get together like 2 or 3 times a month physically,sex is not involved and it's just so sad.

We've tried MC but its not working and he has refused going anymore. We don't spend time together like normal couples and now I'm getting indifferent about it all. It's almost a year now and we still haven't had sex. Shame and fear won't allow me reach out to anyone close and I'm scared thinking of living like this for the rest of my life.

Please I need advice,has anyone been in a situation like this or known someone in this type of situation? If yes, how did they get through it. Thank you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'm sorry - the grammar/spelling is kind of throwing me off. I think you'd get more responses if you used "that" instead of "dat" and so on...

Also wondering how old you are.

Sounds to me like you guys need marriage counseling if you want any chance of making this work.


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

Thanks for the reply nice777guy. I've made the corrections on the post.

I'm 29 years old. We started counselling before marriage when I discovered he was a chronic masturbator. He told me he started masturbating since his early teens and he does it several times a day,even at work. I loved him so much and tried to get help for him because I knew it was something he couldn't do on his own. The addiction was really bad. I also thought it was because he hadn't had sex with a woman before and that once we got married he would stop altogether. Looking back now I just feel he prefers getting pleasure all by himself. Counselling went well before marriage but started causing more fights and arguements after marriage. Whenever I confront him about the masturbation now he tells me he's stopped but I secretly wonder if it's true since we've still not had sex.

People around me are begining to ask if we have problems with conception but how will I conceive if there's no intercourse? I've started getting attracted to other guys and I know it's wrong. All I want is to have a sexually fulfilling and happy marriage with him, not anyone else. I'm even begining to have serious thoughts about divorce.

I'm really frustrated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

This will take a lot of work to fix...and I'm sorry that you are in this mess  I wish there was a magic wand to wave over cases like this, but there isn't.

But this is why I don't tell my daughters to wait until marriage. Wait until serious, but not marriage.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Sex is absolutely an important part of a healthy marriage. Your concerns are totally valid.

You've been together 3 years - have the two of you EVER had a normal sex life? Married or not?

Have you told him that you are having serious thoughts about divorce?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Sex is absolutely an important part of a healthy marriage. Your concerns are totally valid.
> 
> You've been together 3 years - have the two of you EVER had a normal sex life? Married or not?
> 
> Have you told him that you are having serious thoughts about divorce?


She said they waited until marriage.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

that_girl said:


> "Wait until serious, but not marriage."


You should patent or copyright that.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Chronic masturbation can indeed cause problems for some men. Here's a good article that talks about the chemical changes that happen in your brain and body with chronic masturbation and what you can do to overcome it.

Chronic Masturbation

In a case like yours, you may have to end up making a very hard decision. If he says he has overcome the chronic masturbation issue, then he needs to be able to reasonably tell you why he is unwilling to engage in sex with you. If he has anxiety in engaging in sex with you, then I think you would need some professional therapy (like with a sex therapist - a counselor who specializes in sexual issues). I understand your husband may be against this - but I think you will need to hold firm to him getting some kind of help, otherwise you will never be able to have a marriage together.

Best wishes.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Is there also possibly a porn addiction here too?


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

Thanks for the reply nice777guy. I've made the corrections on the post.

I'm 29 years old. We started counselling before marriage when I discovered he was a chronic masturbator. He told me he started masturbating since his early teens and he does it several times a day,even at work. I loved him so much and tried to get help for him because I knew it was something he couldn't do on his own. The addiction was really bad. I also thought it was because he hadn't had sex with a woman before and that once we got married he would stop altogether. Looking back now I just feel he prefers getting pleasure all by himself. Counselling went well before marriage but started causing more fights and arguements after marriage. Whenever I confront him about the masturbation now he tells me he's stopped but I secretly wonder if it's true since we've still not had sex.

People around me are begining to ask if we have problems with conception but how will I conceive if there's no intercourse? I've started getting attracted to other guys and I know it's wrong. All I want is to have a sexually fulfilling and happy marriage with him, not anyone else. I'm even begining to have serious thoughts about divorce.

I'm really frustrated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

I'm wondering about his sexual orientation. Chronically masturbating, even porn addiction - eleven months living up close and personal with a woman that wants sex would have most red blooded men wanting to at least test the waters. This sounds completely different than that.

You said MC hasn't worked, have you looked into someone that specializes in sex therapy? I would start there.


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

To the best of my knowledge, porn is not involved. I know he has a fundamental issue with sex but the lack of efforts is just killing me. I don't know about any sex therapist in my area but I'll try and ask around. I know he won't go with me even if I get one. He doesn't stay hard for long and he comes so fast,sometimes while kissing. 

Do you think I should put more efforts into it or just consider it hopeless and opt for divorce?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Technical difficulties?


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

@nice777guy, what do you mean by technical difficulties?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Sorry - looks like you fixed it. Never mind.

Are you aware when he's doing this? Or does he only do it when you aren't around?

Just wondering if there's some way to work your way into his habits...???

FWIW - I don't think anyone would look down on you for filing for divorce. Its not something people usually encourage - but at times its just something you have to do.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If you didn't sign up for a life of "no sex" then the marriage is somewhat of a sham. People get married and assume sex will happen (whatever the frequency is). He said you'd have sex after marriage, which is not happening...so he broke the contract.


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

He's never done it with me around before. The main thing I notice is dat he touches his penis whenever he's in his underwear and it pisses me off. I'm a full blown woman and I walk around naked in the house and don't even get as much as a glance from him. It makes me feel so ugly and unwanted.
@dat_girl, I don't regret waiting till marriage, just regret it's with someone that doesn't care about it.

@nice777guy, I told him about my divorce thoughts the first time about 6 months ago, he begged and promised to work on himself and our marriage. It came up 2 months ago and told me I can file if it'll make me happy.

He's also told me once that he sometimes wishes I've had sex before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

uneven said:


> He's never done it with me around before. The main thing I notice is dat he touches his penis whenever he's in his underwear and it pisses me off. I'm a full blown woman and I walk around naked in the house and don't even get as much as a glance from him. It makes me feel so ugly and unwanted.
> @dat_girl, I don't regret waiting till marriage, just regret it's with someone that doesn't care about it.
> 
> @nice777guy, I told him about my divorce thoughts the first time about 6 months ago, he begged and promised to work on himself and our marriage. It came up 2 months ago and told me I can file if it'll make me happy.
> ...


Name's "that girl" 

Yea, I know you meant well for waiting til marriage, but it's been my experience in talking to many people who waited, that they have bad sex lives. Not all, but many.

Did you guys talk about sex before marriage? Like, how often you will want to do it weekly, what you like, fantasies, etc? Or about fetishes, personal habits (masturbation) etc?

Was he a virgin?

Is he gay?

I am being serious.

Sounds like he doesn't care about the marriage.


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## luvenlife (Nov 2, 2011)

there has to be something wrong with him has he checked with his doctor? sex is very important in long lasting relationship. you need to spice it up not just the same routine. divorce is tough try to work it out first. I am going thru the same thing with my wife, i tried romancing, helping around the house and kids but with no results.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

luvenlife said:


> there has to be something wrong with him has he checked with his doctor? sex is very important in long lasting relationship. you need to spice it up not just the same routine. divorce is tough try to work it out first. I am going thru the same thing with my wife, i tried romancing, helping around the house and kids but with no results.


Read a little closer - there is no routine to spice up.

Plus - just curious if your wife is also masturbating 4-5 times a day...???

If you "threatened" and his response was that he didn't care if you filed - I think he's already given you the answer.


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

@luvenlife, nothing to spice up,sadly. Plus you have kids which means you and your wife had sex at some point. Well, I don't have that luxury, I'm still as tight as I was on my wedding day.

@That_girl, seems you've had some experience with couples with good and bad sex. Just curious, have you spoken with anyone that didn't have sex at all?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## luvenlife (Nov 2, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Read a little closer - there is no routine to spice up.
> 
> Plus - just curious if your wife is also masturbating 4-5 times a day...???
> 
> If you "threatened" and his response was that he didn't care if you filed - I think he's already given you the answer.


In my case my wife as far as I know is not masturbating 4-5 times a day, unfortunately I am, I do not want to cheat on her and I have thought of divorce. No routine it sounds like he needs some medical help. and I agree if he does not care then you need to move forward. at the end it will be his lost.


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## luvenlife (Nov 2, 2011)

uneven said:


> @luvenlife, nothing to spice up,sadly. Plus you have kids which means you and your wife had sex at some point. Well, I don't have that luxury, I'm still as tight as I was on my wedding day.
> 
> @That_girl, seems you've had some experience with couples with good and bad sex. Just curious, have you spoken with anyone that didn't have sex at all?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Uneven, its hard to believe as a man that you being young and beautiful he does not give you the attention you deserve. move on in your life if he is not willing to love you as a woman than find somebody that will love you not only as partner in life but also as a WOMEN . its very important to not only have a great sexual relationship but also a good communication to survive this crazy world. Good luck and remember life is to short to let it go to waste.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

luvenlife said:


> it sounds like he needs some medical help. and I agree if he does not care then you need to move forward. at the end it will be his lost.


I agree that he needs medical and/or psychological help.

With no kids - and only one year invested in the marriage - I would give him a very firm, straightforward ultimatum that he either seek out "help" (to be measured by at least one appointment attended) or you will begin the divorce process.

Keep in mind - if you talk to an attorney - if you "file" papers - you still have time to turn around and go back. And filing papers can sometimes be a last-minute wake-up call - but don't bet on it. Only do this if you are prepared to follow through.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

uneven said:


> @luvenlife, nothing to spice up,sadly. Plus you have kids which means you and your wife had sex at some point. Well, I don't have that luxury, I'm still as tight as I was on my wedding day.
> 
> @That_girl, seems you've had some experience with couples with good and bad sex. Just curious, have you spoken with anyone that didn't have sex at all?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ever in the relationship? No. Most adults I know have had sex with their partner, either good or bad.

My close friend had lots of sex with her husband before marriage...now it's been almost a year and nothing. She's very unhappy and he won't talk about it.

I dated a man who wouldn't sleep with me for almost 10 months. We were ages 28 and 40 (I was 28)...that should have been my first red flag :lol: But he was nice...however, sex is part of my life.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

luvenlife said:


> Uneven, its hard to believe as a man that you being young and beautiful he does not give you the attention you deserve. move on in your life if he is not willing to love you as a woman than find somebody that will love you not only as partner in life but also as a WOMEN . its very important to not only have a great sexual relationship but also a good communication to survive this crazy world. Good luck and remember life is to short to let it go to waste.


I do agree with this as hard as it sounds.

I couldn't imagine living my life without sex. My older daughter's father wasn't into sex (with me  ) and so I left. I didn't know he was screwing others until years later.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

He told you to file for divorce. What are you waiting for?

Your roommate clearly doesn't care about the marriage or a sex life. Why should you live like that?


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

I completely agree with you guys. I read somewhere that sex is the seal in marriage. I know he needs help and I'm willing to get it for him if he'll let me. Thing is, he hates discussing our issues with anyone,including me. That's why whenever we go for counselling he comes back home sulk for days. 

Right now I'm tempted to ignore him and move on with my life. Saw my ex about 2 months ago and he looked good. We talked briefly and when he was about leaving I could have sworn I saw tears in his eyes. I felt sad throughout that week because I left a sexual man and someone that deeply cared for me and ended up with another sexual man(only that this one likes it with himself).

Recently in my workplace, if I get as much as a handshake or a lingering look from a guy, I get turned on. It's so embarrasing and I just hope they don't notice. It takes me time to cool down and get back to work and it's all because I aint getting none at home. In hubby's defence I have to say he's been putting in some efforts at home,helping to clean up, providing financially,taking me out on informal dates etc but no sex. I've gone oral on him and I think he loves it,but he's never made an attempt to go down on me. He plays a lot of games on the computer too,LOTS.

Contemplating telling my parents before proceeding with the divorce, what do you think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What a minute! Why are you giving him oral sex if he's not stepping up to the plate?

The other thing I wanted to say is that you can't get help for him. He has to want to fix his part of it. If he's not willing to, your choices are accept it or leave. Or cheat, I guess, but that's not a path I'd recommend.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

I'm not saying I want to get back with the ex or anyone else right now, but I miss the feeling of being cherished and wanted. I've always been a 'toucher' growing up, I touch a lot and I love to be touched. To think I ended up with a non-toucher amazes even me. At a point we both read the book 5 love languages together, when I told him I'm for quality time and physical touch, he looked at me weird. Seems he's never heared of a female having physical touch as a main language, like it's reserved for the guys. This whole thing sucks right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldSchool (Nov 3, 2011)

No consummation of the marriage? I would go for an annulment and work on finding a new husband at some point. If he is refusing to work with you on this then you need to seriously evaluate your relationship. If you're religious you should seek their advice, most religions support annulment where consummation of the marriage has never happened. If not, you've already tried marriage counseling, I suppose you could see a therapist in case you feel depressed.

A similar thing happened to a woman I know and she got an annulment after 2 months. They worked together better as friends anyway.





uneven said:


> I got married about 11months ago to my BF of 3 yrs. During courtship we never had sex as we both decided we would wait till we get married. After marriage we had problems with penetration cos we were both naïve. The part that got to me the most was the lack of passion and interest in sex from him. I was always the 1 to initiate getting physical cos sex was something I had always looked forward to. It got so bad that I started feeling so low most of the time.never in my dreams did it occur to me that I'd be practically begging a man for sex. I know I have a healthy sex drive and I'm attractive.To think that I broke up wt my ex cos I felt he was getting more physical and I may not be able to resist after a while. Right now, we get together like 2 or 3 times a month physically,sex is not involved and it's just so sad.
> 
> We've tried MC but its not working and he has refused going anymore. We don't spend time together like normal couples and now I'm getting indifferent about it all. It's almost a year now and we still haven't had sex. Shame and fear won't allow me reach out to anyone close and I'm scared thinking of living like this for the rest of my life.
> 
> ...


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

To answer your question PBear, I go down on him because I felt if it makes him feel good, he'll want to reciprocate. I just longed to get physically intimate with him and I was desperate enough to want do anything to make him give me more attention. I fear his selfishness is beyond what I can help him with. I know he needs to take the step towards help himself, not me trying to get him to see a therapist but he just won't budge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

uneven said:


> Contemplating telling my parents before proceeding with the divorce, what do you think?


Absolutely - especially if they are positive and supporting. You'll probably be needing their help.


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## luvenlife (Nov 2, 2011)

Uneven-
go with your heart, your young don't settle for anything less that makes you happy. remember if he is this way now, when you both should be enjoying every second together. heck I remember when we first got married and I would come home for lunch (if you know what I mean) and it was great (still do but not as much). but back to you, if he is like this now imagine 5-10 years how he is going to be, better to let go then to cheat on him at least you have put an effort to try to make it work. you are giving him an opportunity and if he is not willing to do what it takes to fix the problem. I would recommend you MOVE ON in your life and enjoy what the future will bring you.


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## 4821 (Nov 3, 2011)

uneven said:


> To the best of my knowledge, porn is not involved. I know he has a fundamental issue with sex but the lack of efforts is just killing me. I don't know about any sex therapist in my area but I'll try and ask around. I know he won't go with me even if I get one. He doesn't stay hard for long and he comes so fast,sometimes while kissing.
> 
> Do you think I should put more efforts into it or just consider it hopeless and opt for divorce?


From what you wrote above he may have ED problems. He could go to a general doctor and find out if there is a health problem. They have medicine that will keep him from being quick. I wish you the best. Keep communicating about it with him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

uneven said:


> To answer your question PBear, I go down on him because I felt if it makes him feel good, he'll want to reciprocate. I just longed to get physically intimate with him and I was desperate enough to want do anything to make him give me more attention. I fear his selfishness is beyond what I can help him with. I know he needs to take the step towards help himself, not me trying to get him to see a therapist but he just won't budge.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand your desire to be intimate with him, but if you're meeting his needs while not having your own met, I wouldn't think that will work in the long term. As you've found out, obviously. That would be like your employer continuing to pay you, even if you stop doing your job. Once you find out you can get away with that, what's your incentive?

Sometimes, people need a kick in the azz to get them moving. Probably he's not changing his behaviour or actions because he simply doesn't have to. He's ok with the situation, and your actions are indicating to him that he can keep it up and you might complain, but you won't do anythign about it.

Just giving my thoughts... I understand it's a bad situation, and I don't envy you at all. One of the reasons I left my marriage was a lack of sex/intimacy, and my wife's refusal to work on it at all. Eventually, I had to decide if it was acceptable to me to remain in that relationship, but it was after I cheated. That was the wrong decision, and I'd strongly recommend not going down that path.

Good luck!

C


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

I know I may not be aggressive enough in some people's opinion but I know I try. Just that anytime I do he gives me the cold shoulders and makes me feel like I'm the nag. I think being firm on my part just makes him withdraw altogether. I told him once that if he gives me half of the time he spends inbetween playing internet games and doing himself, I'm sure we would have made some progress or at least attained penetration.

I broke up with him the first I discovered about the masturbation. Read articles on it and asked around, my discovery wasn't pleasant so I broke up with him. Looking back now I sometimes wish I followed my instincts. Shoulda left and never looked back. I blame myself for that. I shoulda left.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

uneven said:


> I know I may not be aggressive enough in some people's opinion but I know I try. Just that anytime I do he gives me the cold shoulders and makes me feel like I'm the nag. I think being firm on my part just makes him withdraw altogether. I told him once that if he gives me half of the time he spends inbetween playing internet games and doing himself, I'm sure we would have made some progress or at least attained penetration.
> 
> I broke up with him the first I discovered about the masturbation. Read articles on it and asked around, my discovery wasn't pleasant so I broke up with him. Looking back now I sometimes wish I followed my instincts. Shoulda left and never looked back. I blame myself for that. I shoulda left.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Beating yourself up does no good. At this point you can no longer "shoulda" leave him. Its gone.

So you've tried the cold shoulder and a lot of other HOT things. I didn't read it all - but if oral is something he enjoys - you can (should) take it away and offer to replace it with something else.

But unless he see's a doc of some sort - you need to see a lawyer. 

Or just learn to live with it...that's also an option.


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

I know living with it is not an option for me. I'm already filled with resentment and disregard for him. I can't force him to get help and it's very obvious he thinks he doesn't need it. I'm beginning to like the idea that he's digging this hole for himself all by himself. At least I'll have the chance to give someone else all of me,and make sure this time I don't make the same stupid mistake I made with him. 

Thanks for your comments guys, they really got me thinking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

uneven said:


> I know living with it is not an option for me. I'm already filled with resentment and disregard for him. I can't force him to get help and it's very obvious he thinks he doesn't need it. I'm beginning to like the idea that he's digging this hole for himself all by himself. At least I'll have the chance to give someone else all of me,and make sure this time I don't make the same stupid mistake I made with him.
> 
> Thanks for your comments guys, they really got me thinking.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Uneven,
Many times, when people make the decision to go without sex, its because of religious beliefs. Some mistakenly see sex as dirty. Wierd, but I've actually heard of guys who masturbate but think sex is wrong. These guys can develop mental blocks that turn sex into a phobia. (I used to read the annual Book of Lists as a teenager, and it contained so many famous men like this from long ago)

The problem is that he is screwed up, but you are left obsessing about what's wrong, and don't have the experience that leads to self confidence. Without self-confidence, you can't even understand how screwed up this guy is.

What is normal, and is most likely the majority when a woman cares so much about her husband, and marries a normal one, is that she IS cherished. She IS desired, and sex is almost constant in the first years.

Even if you are religious, you should feel no shame or fear for having the marriage annuled or divorcing. He has not consummated the marriage, and this is not optional in a religious sense.

I know you can't help how it makes you feel to have other men look at you, but it is normal, given this EXTREME situation. But stay true to yourself. My opinion is that you get out of this abberant marriage and know that you did everything possible that a good woman could do.


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## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

My dear you're at that age when you should have sex like crazy. I mean if you're not having it in your twenties, then when? In your eighties? 

It's NOT normal for a guy to not want sex. it's not normal for you as a woman to beg for it. If he's really not interested in making any amends, than just break up and find a guy who's interested in your sexually. 

I am not a 'sex addict', but I love it and my man is perfect for me. And yes, it's normal for the guy to want it, it's normal for you to want it. We're still young (I'm 33) and have these young beautiful bodies. It's a pity not to use everything we have now.


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

Okay,so I told my mum today and she kinda freaked out. Said she's never heared anything like that before.I know the gravity of the situation,wouldn't have believed it myself if someone had told me. It is just so abnormal and weird. Feels good to let it out to someone after 11months(geez!) of married celibacy,I feel lighter already. She couldn't understand why I kept it all to myself all this time. well, I can't too. Guess I felt shameful about the whole thing,like I'm telling someone I'm not woman enough to make my own husband want to have sex with me. 

I'm so over this!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's a weird shame/embarrassment. I told really NO ONE about my husband leaving. Didn't want people think I wasn't woman enough to keep my man.

I hope you can work things out...do you have any plans or ideas of what to do? Glad your mom is there to support you.


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

Right now I'm planning to move out soon. That way he can have all the space he needs to masturbate 100 times a day and play all the game he wants. Don't wanna spend xmas here in this cold dungeon that's supposed to be my home. Will work on divorce proceedings from my new place.

Yeah,she's a great mum,my parents have been together for 45 years. shame I don't have what they've got
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

sorry you are going through this. Just know it's not your fault. I know that doesn't make it any better...


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## Jefro (Oct 26, 2011)

I really feel for you on this. It is not cool to have no sex at all, especially while begging for it. My wife seems to have had a similar issue with sex that your husband does. She still held sex in such a bad standing cause we had a very healthy sex life for two years before we married. as it turns out though, she was beating herself up about it pretty bad as she was always very religious. Some of that stayed with her into our marriage. we had dry spells that lasted between 2-3 weeks in some cases because of her thoughts on it. As someone above has said, that could be the case with him. we stayed celibite the 6 months leading upto the marriage due to a sermon in church, so she seperated herself from sexual temptation and i feel emotionally disconnected with it too much. she is trying and we have had good sex, albeit with a little coaxing on my part. my point in this is this: if he is not trying, not seeking help and not even caring about the situation and looking you as a fly in the ointment about it, then leave. no way to sugar coat it, as much as i would like to. i do wish you luck in what ever road you travel.


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

Thanks guys,I appreciate the replies. Can't say it doesn't hurt though, letting go of your happily-ever-after this early. Let's see what his reaction will be this time when I move out.

Will keep you posted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Onedery (Sep 22, 2011)

uneven said:


> Thanks guys,I appreciate the replies. Can't say it doesn't hurt though, letting go of your happily-ever-after this early. Let's see what his reaction will be this time when I move out.
> 
> Will keep you posted.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What you have, darlin is a ROOMMATE. Once the two of you have moved on, you will surely find a more accommodating partner.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

WOW! I just read the entire thread and I really don't have anything to add to what others have said. Please keep us posted! I am sorry you are going through this!!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I did not read every reply -I am wondering WHY the waiting, spiritual beliefs ? Generally this IS the case. Me & mine also waited for INTERCOURSE , but we did alot of touching before our wedding -roaving hands to orgasms- always , we couldn't help ourselves. 

I am wondering if your husband at least did THIS before you married ? or showed ANY sexual desire towards you? If not, in my opionion, major major red flags. I think what you describe here can happen to HIGH sex driven males who have taken an obsession to masterbating, feeling they are honoring God somehow-by restraining from intercoarse - but the Habit takes over their life, they get used to thier hand. I don't think these things JUST DIE once you get married. 

Better for those dating to have some experimentation to see what you are getting yourselves into. Not that you needed intercourse but him at least showing much desire to hold, carress, please you, hearing how he is dying to be inside of you. 

Just curious what red flags you had before? If I was me in your shoes, I would be leaving, I am a physical toucher too, that would be excrusiating to deal with, I would need a man who wanted to be all over me or I would likely "wither". 

The emotional connection in that physical connecting with another soul, No marriage should be without this, or it simply is NOT a marraige. Pleasuring each other has so many rewards, it puts you in the clouds of happiness. When I first seen this thread, I thought maybe -you had an issue with being "too tight" and it hurt. 

This is another senerio, it sounds, of how restraining can set in some very bad -even obsessive habits.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Jefro said:


> My wife seems to have had a similar issue with sex that your husband does. She still held sex in such a bad standing cause we had a very healthy sex life for two years before we married. as it turns out though, she was beating herself up about it pretty bad as she was always very religious. Some of that stayed with her into our marriage. we had dry spells that lasted between 2-3 weeks in some cases because of her thoughts on it. As someone above has said, that could be the case with him. we stayed celibite the 6 months leading upto the marriage due to a sermon in church, so she seperated herself from sexual temptation and i feel emotionally disconnected with it too much.


I've read so many stories like this, what a shame. I used to have a merry go round mentality in my "good girl" days feeling bad about what we did, feeling shame, we didn't even have sex ! But still we were not "pure" as the driven snow---we LUSTED and this was wrong, sinful, we should be putting our "flesh" down at every turn. After all, what would Jesus do...surely NOT have roaming hands! After reading some of the crazy things that can happen if you try to be *THAT *good, some have even lost their sex drives all together, I am very thankful we plunged on.... in my heart I/we felt GOOD about not going all the way, I would NEVER NEVER repent of what we did-but still carried the guilt. I think it was the best thing to keep us SANE -- and very much emotionally connected. I pretty near lost my religion about 7 yrs ago -I can tell you this sure helped ME when it came to opening up sexually. 

I could never go back to that. It hindered me mentally and sexually for far too many years, I feel I was not even in tune with what was inside of me. Did a thread on this issue too -my "Awakening" thread.

So many silent strugglers over things like this-even after the weddding.


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

@simply amorous, I agree with you about them getting too used to their hands,they get so used to it they can't get pleasure any other way. I've not had the opportunity to know if I'm "too tight" or if sex hurts, that's an advanced course now and I'm not sure I can ever get to that level with this man.

So I told him about the divorce on saturday, he got upset and stumped out of the house. He came back home in the night and apologised,promised me he was going to get help and begged for one more chance,told him I'm done with it. He had tears in his eyes. It saddened me to see him like that and not feel any emotions. I guess it's a matter of trying to change too little too late. I don't have any feelings or regards for him as a man anymore, so many things have happened. He looked and sounded desperate and it got me thinking even deeper. It seems to me my role is to be a cover up to show the world he's a real man and he has a pretty wife to prove it. Just thinking about it makes me want to leave earlier than I planned.

Don't know if I'm being too critical because I'm fed up or is he for real this time. He saw a sex therapist on monday and he has another appointment next monday. I don't feel I'm needed during those sessions, I just want to stay as far away from it all as possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Uneven, one thing that struck me when going through my separation was the lack of emotion I felt, with the exception of dealing with the kids. I talked to my counselor about that, and his response was that I had gone through the grieving process for my marriage. Once that happens, you just want it to be over, and to move on to the next stage in your life.

I think that's a good stage for you, but it's still very painful for the spouse. Even if they know that something is wrong, they still have a lot of processing to do to catch up. When that was going on, I tried to be sensitive to things that would cause my wife more pain, but not allowing her any false hope that the separation wasn't going to happen.

Keep in mind that even if the separation happens, you can change your mind at any point. Heck, you could even start dating him again after a divorce, if you thought he'd truly changed. Buthelezi needed this kick in the pants to start dealing with this issue, and if you backtrack to early, it will get swept under the rug and you'll be back where you are now. If nothing else, he needs to get this help for himself and any future relationship he's in. Whether its with you or someone else.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

PBear, you are so on point. It's amazing how someone that literally rocked your world and was the most important to you can't even stir up the slightest emotion from you. For my own good I hope I'm in the grieving process and not just dumping all the pain and hurt somewhere for them to resurface in the future. Nobody should be allowed to go through this feelings/period more than once in a lifetime.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

uneven said:


> PBear, you are so on point. It's amazing how someone that literally rocked your world and was the most important to you can't even stir up the slightest emotion from you. For my own good I hope I'm in the grieving process and not just dumping all the pain and hurt somewhere for them to resurface in the future. Nobody should be allowed to go through this feelings/period more than once in a lifetime.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To me, I see it as a coping and protective mechanism. I dealt with abandonment as a kid, from parents that I obviously considered to be the center of my universe. You just want the pain to go away. The only real mental images that seem to inspire hope are those of the future, maybe with another person or with parents. And there is a part of you, I would guess, that knows that staying with him would probably let him feel that the situation has passed, and he would lose this fleeting desire to improve. Why else did it take your leaving for him to finally want to do something for you?

If you can manage all of these feelings without feeling hatred, then I would argue that you are a very healthy person, who will be able to cope well with your new life.


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

No I don't feel hatred, but I feel an emptiness. Don't know if that's good or bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

uneven said:


> No I don't feel hatred, but I feel an emptiness. Don't know if that's good or bad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'd say its normal and healthy. Making the right decision doesn't often equate with feeling good. It is just right, but may feel terrible for a time.

If it would help, I describe the way I felt after going through such a loss as a strange feeling of just feeling nothing. It was like the world was gray for a while. I even had physical symtoms like the flu. Then one day, some random situation might occur and I surprised myself by laughing. Soon, you just start feeling like yourself again.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

uneven said:


> No I don't feel hatred, but I feel an emptiness. Don't know if that's good or bad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


the opposite of love is indifference, not hatred

it means you have moved on


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## firzakhan155 (Nov 11, 2011)

its very bad with you but i hope you will be enable of sex so soon


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

good luck, same here one year marriage with sex only once. 
she has depression but it is hard. going to counselling but im sticking with her.


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

Wow! Brendan,never heard of someone in the same situation as mine. He doesn't have depression though. Wat made u decide to stick with her and how long are you willing to?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

because im happy and want a life partner. only thing not happy with which is a huge issue i know is the NO sex.

We dont fight about other niggly things but we have a good life, but yeah i need sex with her.

Im willing to give it another year to see improvement, not asking for every night just occasional as i know we have different sex drives. Next week on our counselling its all about sex for one hour looking forward to it. One of her issues is she has images about her birth and andything to do with sex and is traumastised because we had a bad birth.

good luck


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

I'm sorry about her condition, and I really admire you for sticking with her. I wish I have the strength to do the same with my husband but his own condition, to a large extent, is within his control. I know it's hard giving up an addictive habit as masturbating, but efforts at getting help earlier would have counted and indicated commitment.

He's seeing the sex therapist again today, I pray he makes progress(for his own sake).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4821 (Nov 3, 2011)

uneven said:


> I'm not saying I want to get back with the ex or anyone else right now, but I miss the feeling of being cherished and wanted. I've always been a 'toucher' growing up, I touch a lot and I love to be touched. To think I ended up with a non-toucher amazes even me. At a point we both read the book 5 love languages together, when I told him I'm for quality time and physical touch, he looked at me weird. Seems he's never heared of a female having physical touch as a main language, like it's reserved for the guys. This whole thing sucks right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You should have your marriage annualed.


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

So he came home from therapy yesterday looking sober. Asked him how it went and all he said was he should have started it earlier. I'm just trying to be careful here, because everything in me is screaming manipulation. He's given me that sober act so many times, I know how it works. He went in early to sleep without even playing one game on the computer. Hmmmmm. Don't know what he was doing behind closed doors though, and I really wasn't in the mood to find out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DODGE22 (Oct 31, 2011)

uneven,
I feel for you. Sex is such an important part of marriage, and really distinguishes your relationship between that of a good friend. It's more of an emotional thing than physical thing to me. That said, does he have emotional issues? ED possibly? I would seriously consider MindfulCoach's suggestion that he may be gay as well. I'm not an advocate of divorce, but I would say there are situations where it is a healthy alternative. I would try one last ditch. A few bottles of wine, some very sexy clothing, and lose any inhabitions for one night with your guy. See if you can relax him enough to make all of his insecurities disappear for an evening. If that doesn't work.... I don't know. Good luck! Let me know how it goes!


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

No,he's not gay. As for emotional issues, I can't really say much about that,he hardly shows any emotion. I know he could be very moody and he keeps to himself a lot. When I asked him about that he said he got used to playing all by himself when growing up, he has four sisters. He doesn't have much of a social life,never partied and I'm the second girl he's ever been with.

You suggested a sexy evening, well, I tried that once. Candle lit dinner,sexy lingerie, good food and wine with promise of good sex if he was game. He came in and laughed,asked why I went through all that trouble with candles that didn't smell quite right. Needless to say, sex didn't happen and I never attempted it again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

uneven said:


> You suggested a sexy evening, well, I tried that once. Candle lit dinner,sexy lingerie, good food and wine with promise of good sex if he was game. He came in and laughed,asked why I went through all that trouble with candles that didn't smell quite right. Needless to say, sex didn't happen and I never attempted it again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 So sad. It really takes the wind out of our sails when people cut us down like that


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

Yes it hurts. I don't think he even noticed the efforts. All he wanted to do was eat and then play a couple of games on the computer, and maybe pleasure himself afterwards. I was fast asleep when he came in to sleep, I'd cried myself to sleep.

It was about 3/4 months into the marriage and I was getting anxious we had not had sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## puggy (Nov 16, 2011)

Hi, 

I have a similar situation. We never had any sex before marriage because we agreed in waiting till we got married. We got married four months ago and we never had sex, not even the first night. After a week that we got married he tried to penetrate me, of course I was too tight and he just didn't bother to try again. We have somehow some contact now and then but no penetration at all.


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

@Puggy, does he masturbate too or is he scared because he's causing you pain? Have you guys gone for MC? I think you should put more efforts into it now, at four months I didn't think it was going to drag till 11 months. What are your plans?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

puggy said:


> Hi,
> 
> I have a similar situation. We never had any sex before marriage because we agreed in waiting till we got married. We got married four months ago and we never had sex, not even the first night. After a week that we got married he tried to penetrate me, of course I was too tight and he just didn't bother to try again. We have somehow some contact now and then but no penetration at all.


that's common for a first time, especially if you still have your hymen, but it will get looser with time and become more pleasurable- use plenty of lube


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## puggy (Nov 16, 2011)

I don't think he masturbates because when he is at home, he is with me all the time and when he's not he's out, I know where he is and can't imagine he finds time to masturbate knowing his working environment. I know he is afraid of hurting me but he has no libido either. Sometimes I sort of tell him to come in the shower with me or things like that but he is always refusing and always coming with the story of being afraid to get me pregnant. In my opinion this is just an excuse because he is not even thinking about sex. When he is in the mood I masturbate him but he doesn't even touches me, it's like I have to give him pleasure. Sometimes he gets his finger in my vagina and that turns me on but it only lasts a few seconds and he is out again. During that time I beg him to penetrate me and I am sure during that time I am enough wide to get him in but he is always repeating 'it s too risky'. We bought a box of condoms which he says he is not feeling a thing when he is wearing a condom so he get stressed when I ask him to put one on. I suggested another brand which claim to permit the male to have more sensitivity during sex but he is always saying he would go and buy a box but never does and I am very discomforted in buying it myself, I am afraid of doing this step, don't know what his reaction would be and for once, I want to be begged fro sex by him. When we started our relationship 5 years ago, we masturbated so much and he did some things to me that made me go crazy. But then after a couple of months, that started to be more and more rare. During that time I thought it was because we had no house where to be private but now.......we are all alone all the time and no reaction from him. I used to do a lot of part time jobs before we got married and he watched a lot of porn because I found videos on his computer. Now we share the same computer, I never found anoything but pretty sure he watches sometimes.


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

Same with me. We bought condoms during our honeymoon but he's never even tried using it,yours did. Until I got married, I thought men with low/no libido were very very rare. I've read a lot of threads about that in this forum and it's an eye opener. I'm thinking porn is affecting a lot of marriages, it works for some, and it distracts some.

I know men have egos and are especially sensitive about sex and their ability to satisfy their partner which is okay. My question is why do they stay in denial for so long and drag women into their issues. I think my husband thinks it's okay to stay in a sexless marriage as a proof of love, commitment and a deeper level of bonding. Well, I'm not from that school of thought. I wake up angry some days that he kept a lot of things from me before the marriage, other days I'm just angry because I feel stuck. One lesson I learnt though, is never to just stay there and expect things to work out one day, the little efforts will lead to big steps in a shorter time.

No more rut for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## puggy (Nov 16, 2011)

I guess lots of talking and understanding can lead to somewhere. I made an appointment with a family counselor, I will tell him about this and explain to him that this is important for me. For sure he will come to the counseling, not quite sure he will make things happen. Keep in touch


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## Lovetruth (Nov 19, 2011)

I, as a man, am astonished that a man could live with a woman for 11 years and refuse to have sex with her. I would recommend an annulment, which would lack the stigma of divorce and would be acceptable with all religions. I would discourage you to try intimacy at this stage, because at this point you are still a virgin and there are advantages in keeping it like that.

Contrary to what many others believe, I am totally against masturbation in marriage, unless it is done together as husband and wife. By masturbating a man is taking away from his wife that which rightfully belongs to her. I doubt that this man will be correcting his course in life unless he has a true Christian experience that allows God to change him. I have heard before of those who could masturbate but could not have relations with a woman. It is a perversion that is is hard for me to understand, because lovemaking is so much more pleasurable than self-pleasuring.


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

Hi everyone. It's been a while. I guess I was too ashamed to write on the thread because despite all the good advice and insight I got here, I still went back. It got worse, more than I ever imagined. The main reason I stayed apart from love was because I really wanted to give it a fight. The most convenient thing to do was to walk away, but I didn't want to live the rest of my life wondering whether or not I did the right thing. Now I'm certain I did. The second chance was also prompted by him acting remorseful and trying to put efforts into making himself a better man.

Well, it got worse. These past months have been about discoveries. Yes, he still masturbates constantly, yes he still plays games on his computer, yes he's still trying to get with his ex, and yes, he has a porn addiction too. He's a financial mess, I spend all my savings on things that should be his responsibility. Its even much more deeper than these.

I don't trust myself again, I think I have more issues than I thought for me to still remain here. I think I need a shrink more than he does now. It's not a good feeling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

Uneven, I didn't read all the way through, but I'm so sorry. You've tried... that's all you can do sometimes. He has to fix him, you can't do it. If he's not willing to put in the work for you then maybe you should find someone who will... everyone deserves to feel loved and desired. I'm having some similar but lesser issues in my marriage and I know that I'm giving it my all.. and if I doesn't work, I know that I deserve more. But like you, I need to know I've tried and given it what I can, including time. It sounds like you've been more than accommodating. I wish you the best of luck.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm so sorry but this isn't your fault. Why do you think it is? It's not like you knew about any of this. Especially when you don't live together first, you have no idea what someone is really like or what they do in their spare time until you get married. And really you aren't technically married because he won't consummate. It's a crazy situation but not one that you chose. You do need help but not because you are crazy or wrong; because you need help deciding what to do and how to do it. You need to grieve the marriage you thought you were going to have and heal so you can move on and find someone who cherishes and loves you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

Yes, I know it's not my fault that his life is messed up, but I'm not proud of myself either. I feel so angry with myself that of all the options I had I settled with the worst, that I couldn't see through to the lies and deceit and his true nature. Like everything we've ever had, even before the marriage was a lie.

I found out he had a keylogger on the computer at home and he has all my passwords and monitors my activities on the internet. He told me it goes far back as two years before we even got married,from the beginning of the relationship. He also has an obsession for sleeping women, in fact he has a subscription to pictures and videos. I've caught him so many times when he thought I was asleep putting his fingers in my mouth and masturbating. I confronted him and as usual he denied it and started acting out. He's taken my pictures and made videos of me sleeping before, I saw them on his phone and I even knew sometimes. Most of the time I'm afraid to ask because I didn't want to confirm the truth I already knew. Everyday I wonder how many of those he has uploaded on the internet and how many of his fellow sick perverts have been gawking at my pictures( forgot to mention, I sleep nude). He uses the in-private browsing to check out porn and masturbate to it,sometimes till as late as 3am in the morning and he usually thinks I don't know.

I think the part I can't seem to accept is the lies for all these years we've been together, he lies with a straight face and comes up with so many excuses that I can't help but wonder if he has ever told me anything true before. 

He's really sick!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourmothersir (Jun 27, 2012)

luvenlife said:


> In my case my wife as far as I know is not masturbating 4-5 times a day, unfortunately I am, I do not want to cheat on her and I have thought of divorce. No routine it sounds like he needs some medical help. and I agree if he does not care then you need to move forward. at the end it will be his lost.


there are a lot of reasons women do not want sex. insecurity, depression, painful conditions that make sex really hurt, and even childhood sexual abuse. I was abused as a toddler and just started remembering a few years ago.


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## yourmothersir (Jun 27, 2012)

uneven said:


> Yes, I know it's not my fault that his life is messed up, but I'm not proud of myself either. I feel so angry with myself that of all the options I had I settled with the worst, that I couldn't see through to the lies and deceit and his true nature. Like everything we've ever had, even before the marriage was a lie.
> 
> I found out he had a keylogger on the computer at home and he has all my passwords and monitors my activities on the internet. He told me it goes far back as two years before we even got married,from the beginning of the relationship. He also has an obsession for sleeping women, in fact he has a subscription to pictures and videos. I've caught him so many times when he thought I was asleep putting his fingers in my mouth and masturbating. I confronted him and as usual he denied it and started acting out. He's taken my pictures and made videos of me sleeping before, I saw them on his phone and I even knew sometimes. Most of the time I'm afraid to ask because I didn't want to confirm the truth I already knew. Everyday I wonder how many of those he has uploaded on the internet and how many of his fellow sick perverts have been gawking at my pictures( forgot to mention, I sleep nude). He uses the in-private browsing to check out porn and masturbate to it,sometimes till as late as 3am in the morning and he usually thinks I don't know.
> 
> ...



omg, can you say illegal?! I'd get out now and get a lawyer. What a perve! It scares me what else he may have done!


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

that_girl said:


> But this is why I don't tell my daughters to wait until marriage. Wait until serious, but not marriage.


Yeah, I tend to agree. And, I consider myself a Christian - where pre-marital sex is taboo (in theory at least, but commonplace).

The problem I've observed are (1) drive mismatches (of course) and (2) people use protestations of purity to hide serious issues.

I think (2) might be applicable here. The OP's husband did not have sex before marriage not due to purity issues but because it was convenient as he prefers to masturbate anyways.

At a minimum, I would recommend to anyone waiting until marriage for sex to at least observe for signs of interest. I would think two people into each other and dating would feel and show signs of physical attraction and willpower would be required to remain pure. If either partner seems to be cool and not struggling at least a little, that's a sign something is amiss.


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## yourmothersir (Jun 27, 2012)

DTO said:


> Yeah, I tend to agree. And, I consider myself a Christian - where pre-marital sex is taboo (in theory at least, but commonplace).
> 
> The problem I've observed are (1) drive mismatches (of course) and (2) people use protestations of purity to hide serious issues.
> 
> ...


I'm a Christian and I believed in waiting for most of my life. I'm actually glad now that I had not. I have endometriosis. Painful sex was the final nail in the coffin. I knew I had it. All the signs pointed to it.


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## charisma (Sep 5, 2012)

I ve been married to my BF for 3 years.there is no sex between us.I m very depressed.i cant diclose this to my parents.he is not willing to undergo MC.I need and long for a baby.what should I do?I feel worthless.I luv him.I cant divorce him.


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## charisma (Sep 5, 2012)

is anybody there


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## charisma (Sep 5, 2012)

I m being disturbed


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## charisma (Sep 5, 2012)

*helo anybody there?3years of no sex marriage.my hubby isnt addicted to porn or mastur*

he doesnt have libido.won't come fr therapy.can't tell anyone.I feel ashamed.he is caring but that doesn't make up for sexual intimacy.I was dreaming s high about my love life after marriage.I need sex only with him.another by is trying to take advantage of my situation and is expressing wrong interests and is trying to manipulate me.I hate him but at times I feel like losing control.Please help me


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

Charisma, please go to counseling by yourself to start with. It sounds like you have things you need to get taken care of and understand. What worries me is first you say that you "need" a baby. No one NEEDS a baby, urges to have one yes. The kind of relationships where people NEED to have babies end up in them relying on the baby to provide them with their happiness and it's very unhealthy for the mom and the baby. A baby will in NO WAY make your current situation any better!

Individual counseling can help you feel like you're taking back control and can help show you how you might be able to work through this, and possibly get your husband to go to counseling eventually. In the end, you have to come first. Please make an appointment right away as it's clear you're in distress and need someone to help you find out what you need. 

Best of luck, I'm so sorry for your situation.


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