# Why do some cheaters not take responsibility? It's the Tellon Effect!



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It's likely that the cheater has never really ever taken full responsibility for their actions.

From "The dog ate my homework" to "Mom, Dad, you shouldn't have let me drive the car when I was drunk" to "You never treated me like I was your husband/wife" they have an excuse for every wrong thing they ever did.

It's like they are Teflon coated and are utterly blame and shame proof.

Ach! Misstyped header, which cannot be edited. Dang!


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> It's likely that the cheater has never really ever taken full responsibility for their actions.
> 
> From "The dog ate my homework" to "Mom, Dad, you shouldn't have let me drive the car when I was drunk" to "You never treated me like I was your husband/wife" they have an excuse for every wrong thing they ever did.
> 
> ...


One word: Immaturity.

Vega


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## kezins (Aug 25, 2013)

If someone cheats on you, they obviously don't have much character. People of poor character aren't going to take the blame for their actions. You can't put it all on them though. You made a critical error yourself and misjudged their character when you started the relationship.

I do it myself too in some relationships. The warning signs are always there, but we choose to ignore them in the beginning.


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## bluerunner (Mar 22, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> It's likely that the cheater has never really ever taken full responsibility for their actions.
> 
> From "The dog ate my homework" to "Mom, Dad, you shouldn't have let me drive the car when I was drunk" to "You never treated me like I was your husband/wife" they have an excuse for every wrong thing they ever did.
> 
> ...


You are correct, cheaters never take full responsibility for their actions, in all aspects of their lives. I am living it at this moment with my WH. As I look back everything negative that happens to him it is always someone's fault besides his. He has never stepped back to see how his actions or lack there of have contributed to a negative situation. We often fight about this issue.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's not being aware of Self. Everything is a CAUSE because they don't know themselves and haven't even tried to look into themselves.

"You didn't make me happy!" Reflection: I am not happy with myself, therefor nothing can make me happy.

"You shouldn't have let me do that!" Reflection: I made bad choices. I can't admit that because it makes me weak. Being weak makes me ashamed. Therefor, it's your fault.

"Well, if you would only have done a,b,c!" Reflection: I failed at x,y,z and have disappointed you. I can't admit that because I already don't like myself.

I have learned in my life that alllllll the things I blamed someone for have been things in MYSELF that I didn't like or despised. It was much easier to blame than accept that I failed. It was much easier to hate in others what I hated in myself, than to accept myself and learn to love myself and grow.

Cheating is a choice. It's also, IMO, a passive aggressive move on the cheater's part that says, "LOOK! I am a/b/c/x/y/z and this proves it!" when in reality, it just contributes to their sense of contempt for themselves.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

All people mature at different rates. Plus, there are so many different areas where one can mature. Patience, fidelity, humility, truthfulness, industriousness and thriftiness are only a handful of character traits where people are supposedly deliberately aware of and constantly trying to develop. 

But a lot of people go through life without becoming aware of who they are. Someone who lies may overall consider themselves a 'good person' because they haven't robbed a bank. They may know that they lie "sometimes", but their ego tells them, "It's no more than 'average'...so, it's o.k." 

If these people don't even know themselves, how can WE expect to know them? 

There is no way for us to COMPLETELY know another human being. It's just not possible, because all human beings will not experience EVERYTHING in their lives. Some people may have gotten through 66 years of their life without cheating...until one day...

Are there 'signs'? Yes. But even if a person displayed ALL of the signs, it doesn't mean that they WILL _DEFINITELY _cheat in the future. For instance: If a man is good looking, successful and flirtatious, BE CAREFUL. He "MAY" be a cheater. Even if his values seem solid, his values can change. 

Then again, he may go to his grave being a 'flirt', yet never cross that line to cheating.

For *me* for now, it's a crap-shoot. Unfortunately, it's a crap-shoot that can literally KILL you, or you can end up with some nasty disease that you can't get rid of. And condoms don't always work! We also can't expect our spouse to be with us 24/7. 

Maybe we just have to roll the dice and hope for the best?

(Sorry if I'm not making sense. I'm pretty sleep-challenged right now)

Vega


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Once you are aware of Self, you cannot blame others. It's simply not possible.

Once you know yourself, you start to take more and more responsibility. 

"I'm sorry. I did that. That was crappy of me. I will make it better." Instead of "How could you let me do that!?" 

But...that takes work. Many people don't want to look inside. It's scary.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think there are many reasons. They are selfish about their choices and don't want to admit to selfishness. They are heedless and immature and don't want to admit to that. They lack empathy and really don't care if they hurt the people closest to them and don't want to admit to that.

Basically, even the worst among us want a self-perception that doesn't paint us as poor excuses for human beings, so we simply won't admit to the terrible things that by all rights we should be taking responsibility for.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

that_girl said:


> Once you are aware of Self, you cannot blame others. It's simply not possible.
> 
> Once you know yourself, you start to take more and more responsibility.
> 
> But...that takes work. Many people don't want to look inside. It's scary.


So true! Also, when you become aware of your own thinking, you start to exercise more self-control. 

Self-awareness + Self-control = _*Good Relationships*_!

I think one of the keys to having self-awareness is having the humility to be honest with yourself

Vega


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

They are not remorseful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Vega said:


> So true! Also, when you become aware of your own thinking, you start to exercise more self-control.
> 
> Self-awareness + Self-control = _*Good Relationships*_!
> 
> ...


Yes. And this happens at different times for different people. I believe it happens for most people in their early/mid 30s. But people get married in mid 20s. Hm. Yea.

I learned that lesson. People shouldn't marry until they know themselves. Ooooh....many people would probably disagree.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> It's likely that the cheater has never really ever taken full responsibility for their actions.
> 
> From "The dog ate my homework" to "Mom, Dad, you shouldn't have let me drive the car when I was drunk" to "You never treated me like I was your husband/wife" they have an excuse for every wrong thing they ever did.
> 
> ...


I think _most_ cheaters do not take full responsibility - even many who eventually have some form of reconciliation...


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## TimesOfChange (Mar 20, 2013)

I'm playing now the Advocatus Diaboli. Not every cheater is the same, not every reason for cheating is the same.
In some cases the BS should accept a simple "I'm sorry" and stop his self pitty and his love for playing a victim. Acknowledge what went wrong, if you can't move on, get over it and seperate. There are worse things in life than getn cheated on, it's the individual experiance that makes it so horrible.
Cause who knows, today a BS tomorrow a cheater. 
Never say never.
We are all human and everyone has his level/limit of/for responsibility.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

They can't take responsibility.That would mean they did something wrong, something they could never actually admit AND truly believe. Remember THEY are the victim, ok?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't think it's the act of cheating (at least for me it wouldn't be) but the LIES that go with it. The lies and deception and trickle truth and the mind effing that comes after it.

THAT is what I think murders most relationships after cheating. Not the act itself.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

It's all chalked up to their warped perception of "self-entitlement" to go out as covertly as possible and get themselves a little "strange," all at risking the marriage they're in, as well as with their families and close friendships.

So is a lil' bit of strange worth it? To a good majority of that self-entitled element, it's greatly worth rolling the horny bones of their wayward partners, not to even mention the dice!

With rare exception, most cheaters are liars ~ it just seems to go with the territory!


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

TimesOfChange said:


> In some cases the BS should accept a simple "I'm sorry" and stop his self pitty and his love for playing a victim.


What? What cases are these that a betrayed spouse should accept a simple sorry ? 
And he's just playing the victim and feeling sorry for himself !

Are you serious?!



TimesOfChange said:


> Acknowledge what went wrong, if you can't move on, get over it and seperate. There are worse things in life than getn cheated on, it's the individual experiance that makes it so horrible.


There are worse things - being murdered, being raped, losing a child, a loved one but that's about it. There aren't many worse things than being cheated on especially if its destroyed the lives of sundry children and families 



TimesOfChange said:


> Cause who knows, today a BS tomorrow a cheater.


And that is absolute tosh . You must be on a wind up here


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

It's the inability to accept who and what you really are imo 

I have to say I can never understand it. Just hold your hand up admit you've been a bad ass - obliterated everything important in your life and hope that people will respect one proper moment of honesty and genuine remorse that you've shown

They just seem incapable of that. There are exceptions but not many

Myself thinking about my stbx I just laugh at the blind spot. She like most of them, does not for a second understand that if you get up and own this shvt show unconditional remorse you can at least get a new start in some way. I can't see how it will never stop being in your life pulling you down if you simply ignore and blame shift everything

Obvious a fundamental character / personality flaw inherent in most cheaters


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## "joe" (Aug 19, 2013)

kezins said:


> If someone cheats on you, they obviously don't have much character. People of poor character aren't going to take the blame for their actions. You can't put it all on them though. You made a critical error yourself and misjudged their character when you started the relationship.


both parts of this are very true. i saw signs and thought "we took vows, we're committed, we'll work through it." and of course it all turned out as badly as it possibly could.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I don't think it's the act of cheating (at least for me it wouldn't be) but the LIES that go with it. The lies and deception and trickle truth and the mind effing that comes after it.
> 
> THAT is what I think murders most relationships after cheating. Not the act itself.


Unless, of course, you have a cheater who doesn't lie? Doesn't trickle truth? Tells you everything even before they start to have the affair? (Happened to me.)


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Hehe, I came here hoping to learn about a new term named for Tellon, who I could only assume was a learned scientist.

But sadly I am all too familiar with the Teflon effect. I know I'm imperfect and strive to do my best despite this - she wants to be perfect and blocks out all evidence to the contrary. If you can't acknowledge your faults, it'll be hard to ever improve upon them, right? Reality bites back in the end... 

We just had a discussion about this last night - she can't deal with being "wrong" or in any way imperfect, and any conversation shuts down if she feels this is the case. Productive conversation, anyway. At that point, I have to walk away or I begin to get angry because of her deflection/projection/anything-that-sticks mentality.

Post-affair, the illusion of perfection shattered, and she now thinks more deeply on issues once she takes some time. It may not be in the moment, and I may have to bite my tongue while she follows me around spewing vile at first, but the "AHA!" moment tends to come soon after the crazy has left her eyes.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> It's likely that the cheater has never really ever taken full responsibility for their actions.
> 
> From "The dog ate my homework" to "Mom, Dad, you shouldn't have let me drive the car when I was drunk" to "You never treated me like I was your husband/wife" they have an excuse for every wrong thing they ever did.
> 
> ...



This thread has a general topic, but please allow me a personal question:

Have you ever told your wife that these are your views on straying spouses? (while you were facing the infidelity / during reconciliation / afterwards)?

Or have you rug-swept your viewpoints on this too, at home?

I am asking because your marital dynamics perplexes me *often.*


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

I think I had the potential to be a liar and a cheater. I am quick on my feet and when I want to I can be a very convincing liar. I also get a lot of attention from the opposite sex and could easily have my pick. I understand the mind set. I did not cheat but could and would lie.

However, when I was 21 I read a wonderful book, the road less travelled by Scott peck which advocates spirituality and responsibility. I still read and love that book. It's message fundamentally changed me. My values now are truth and to do no harm. I am so truthful I am misunderstood for been rude as I speak my mind.

I am so angry at my husband as he represented himself as truthful and real but it's all a lie. If anything this lying about his character is more of a turn off than the cheating. I gave him the book to read and it now sits on his night stand collecting dust.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

looking for clarity said:


> *I am so truthful I am misunderstood for been rude* as I speak my mind.


You can still filter your thoughts and be truthful... and say things constructively. So you won't be perceived as being rude, more helpful.

"do I look fat?" 

Which answer is best?

1. Yes, you do look fat.
2. If you're worried about your weight, perhaps you should mention it to your doctor and he can work with you on a diet?


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

What I'm dealing with is a WS that DOES take responsibility, one of those rare cases.. and it does appear that it's the more difficult route, because they have to look at some real ugliness that's not an easy pill to swallow.

Which makes for an odd dynamic when her mother and aunt are cheaters that haven't done this. So they ask her things like "Is he still treating you badly, has he stopped with all the questions?"

So I still see it.. but from the other side. She tells them "things are good" and leaves it at that. She's read enough now, and learned enough now to understand the ugly reality. They're too far gone, so I'll have to accept it for what it is. The aunt is bitter, negative and miserable.. and the mother is doped to high heaven and dementia is setting in, but her whole life has been a delusion anyway..


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