# wife not affectionate



## prodriver (Jan 27, 2014)

hi hope someone can give me some really good advice.

ever since I married my wife, she has completely decreased the affection - she rarely holds me, rarely kisses me, sex is now got really low (once a week if im lucky) and rarely even wants to sit near me - when we go somewhere she rarely sits next to me like she is ashamed of me or something.

we have been married for 11 years now and have three kids - I really don't feel like living like this for the rest of my life - im only 35 and so is she.

when I approach her with this situation she just denies it all saying she does and she does have sex.

I have thought about splitting up but what stops me is my children - they love me to bits and would be heartbroken if they saw me go - and I would be heartbroken too.

so what next? I don't know - cant split up for the sake of kids - and cant stay without affection for the rest of my life - someone please give some useful advice.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

how is she during that once a week? Is she passionate or is it "duty sex"? For a lot of guys, once a week sounds like a good deal.

When you say she won't kiss you, do you mean she doesn't initiate it or when you kiss her she refuses or pulls away?

How is the rest of your relationship with her? Is she friendly or miserable to you? How do you treat her? 

It sounds like you are really unhappy. Not asking to be argumentative but did her lack of intimacy cause your unhappiness, or did your unhappiness cause her lack of intimacy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read neuklas's advice to LuvisTuff


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Are you familiar with the Five Love Languages and His Needs Her Needs?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

She is correct she does have sex with you. One a week maybe all she desires. Do you initiate more than once a week and she rejects you? Do you kiss her? Is she upset about something you have done? Does she have to work? Maybe she is tired. Don't leave your children because you aren't geting sex more often.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

Was she abused as a child?
Might she be cheating?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

DoneWithHurting said:


> *Was she abused as a child?
> Might she be cheating?*


The next question.. is there any Resentment (unresolved anger towards you...could be over anything)...that caused her to shut down???



> *tryingtobebetter said* :*Are you familiar with the Five Love Languages and His Needs Her Needs?*










 Love Languages Personal Profile 


















His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  ~ these are the Core Emotional Needs addressed in that book....



> 10 Emotional needs:
> 
> 
> 1. *Admiration*
> ...










 Emotional Needs Questionnaire


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

prodriver said:


> she told me on my wedding day she doesnt find me good looking. how cruel.


I'm guessing you didn't get the advice you needed on your first thread, so you started another. That's from your other thread.

OUCH!

Your wife doesn't love you. Possibly never did. Undoubtedly never will (again). 

You are 35. I was 48 when I first found out. About 51 when I realized it would never change. I'm now 53 having fully realized laying down next to a woman who finds me disgusting EVERY SINGLE NIGHT will never stop ripping my heart out.

Every single night of my life.

You are 35. I SO envy you. You have a do-over. Don't waste another minute. It's too late for me. It's not for you.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

I just read over the replies again. Yes, it would be very admirable for you to do all you can to fix it. And MOST definitely try to fix you. But do it FOR you (and your future life), not your dead marriage.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

prodriver said:


> hi hope someone can give me some really good advice.
> 
> ever since I married my wife, she has completely decreased the affection - she rarely holds me, rarely kisses me, sex is now got really low (once a week if im lucky) and rarely even wants to sit near me - when we go somewhere she rarely sits next to me like she is ashamed of me or something.
> 
> ...


I absolutely hear you on this man. It's a parental instinct that I wish everyone had. 

But in the long run it may be damaging to them. They'll grow up thinking this is normal in a marriage. It isn't.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

prodriver said:


> hi hope someone can give me some really good advice.
> 
> ever since I married my wife, she has completely decreased the affection - she rarely holds me, rarely kisses me, sex is now got really low (once a week if im lucky) and rarely even wants to sit near me - when we go somewhere she rarely sits next to me like she is ashamed of me or something.
> 
> ...


Quick question, was the marriage arranged?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If she was affectionate before the marriage and indifferent very soon after the marriage, I would speculate the former displays of affection were just bait to lure you to the alter. Once the mouse has been caught, he doesn't keep getting cheese. 

I would suspect the wife you have is probably her authentic self and the girlfriend you had was just an act. 

You said this problem existed "ever since I married my wife". If someone behaves one way prior to an event and behaves completely differently after the event, the event caused the change. Your event was a marriage. You are the same person, she is the same person. The only logical reason for a wedding to turn someone into an indifferent, unloving person is if they no longer felt the need to act loving and attentive. That would describe a trap.


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## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

MachoMcCoy said:


> I'm guessing you didn't get the advice you needed on your first thread, so you started another. That's from your other thread.
> 
> OUCH!
> 
> ...



Readings your post just breaks my heart! What a cruel, heartless woman to have married you feeling the way she does and even MORE reprehensible that she continued to bask in the affection you obviously felt for her when she had no intention of reciprocating your love! Some people simply have no shame, but, as a woman, I feel shame that she shares my gender!

I DO agree with your advice to this young man whole-heartedly, but with one caveat: It is NOT too late for you! If my own story were a theatrical play, it could only be described as a Tragedy, but, despite having been badly used by my soon-to-be-ex, I will not give up on the hope that there is a man out there, somewhere, who will love and respect me and who will be capable of appreciating the vast ocean of love that waits inside me for him when we finally find oneanother. 

With all of my heart, I believe that there is a woman out there waiting for you to find her. I genuinely believe that. Stay strong and remember that all we go through now, as hard and hurtful as it may be, is just preparing us to appreciate the RIGHT one when s/he comes along.

(((((HUGS!)))))
Evie


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

MachoMcCoy said:


> You are 35. I was 48 when I first found out. About 51 when I realized it would never change. I'm now 53 having fully realized laying down next to a woman who finds me disgusting EVERY SINGLE NIGHT will never stop ripping my heart out.
> 
> Every single night of my life.
> 
> You are 35. I SO envy you. You have a do-over. Don't waste another minute. It's too late for me. It's not for you.


Why is it too late for you?

It's NEVER too late to start over.

So what you're 53 that's young nowadays!


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

So Prodriver, are you just looking to vent, or do you actually want help? You posted basically the same thing over a year ago and folks tried to help but you never responded. Now it's a year later.

If you are just looking to occasionally vent, that's cool, but there are a lot of folks here that can help you try to turn things around, if you take the time to listen. Best of all, cheaper than therapy.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If she was NOT affectionate BEFORE you married, then you were being unrealistic to expect that she would be afterward. However, if she used to be and then has changed over the years, there is something not working for her between the two of you. When this happened to me, I came to realize that it was because my then H was relentlessly critical of me, and only became affectionate when he wanted sex. 

You need to make her realize in no uncertain terms that you see this as a dealbreaker. If she learns that you are almost out the door, it may be the wake up call she needs to start working on this with you.


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## prodriver (Jan 27, 2014)

Eyvonne said:


> Readings your post just breaks my heart! What a cruel, heartless woman to have married you feeling the way she does and even MORE reprehensible that she continued to bask in the affection you obviously felt for her when she had no intention of reciprocating your love! Some people simply have no shame, but, as a woman, I feel shame that she shares my gender!
> 
> I DO agree with your advice to this young man whole-heartedly, but with one caveat: It is NOT too late for you! If my own story were a theatrical play, it could only be described as a Tragedy, but, despite having been badly used by my soon-to-be-ex, I will not give up on the hope that there is a man out there, somewhere, who will love and respect me and who will be capable of appreciating the vast ocean of love that waits inside me for him when we finally find oneanother.
> 
> ...


you are definitely right, the only thing that stops me from splitting up and going to someone who appreciates my love is my kids - they love me more than anything and i love them too - just dont know how bad things can go if i took that route - eg - not seeing kids everyday, paying my wife maintenance, etc


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Did you read neuklas's advice?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What neuklas wrote:



> I've finished reading your thread. The advice of the last several pages is gold.
> 
> I'd add the following, which is really regurgitation, but intended more as a short list of unambiguous action items to do right now, as I think you're at the stage where simplicity is best, and once the simple is ingrained habit, you can built on you.
> 
> ...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"she told me on my wedding day she doesnt find me good looking. how cruel."

That is incredibly cruel and also I would think grounds for annulment.
I am one of the last to call for divorce, but I'm not even thinking divorce, annulment. If this is just one thing she said, there must be others. Shame on her.

As far as being with your kids, of course I get that. But you can still be with them 50%.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Sandie said:


> Why is it too late for you?
> 
> It's NEVER too late to start over.
> 
> So what you're 53 that's young nowadays!


Yes, indeed. I found new love at 57 yo


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I also could not put up with it if my relationship was lacking affection. I am a very affectionate person, and if the cuddles the kisses stopped, then i think my relationship would be in jeopardy and i would have to voice my concern to my husband.

I also could not stand it if i went out, and my husband could not stand to be near me. And again i would have to tell him, and let him know how serious i was about the situation.

I think you just need to lay your cards on the table, tell her how you feel, and that you cant go on the way things have been going.

Sometimes staying in a relationship is worse for the children than going, but i think your some way away from that yet?.

Does she tell you she loves you?. Do you feel love?.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm truly sorry that you have to go through this.

I'm living the same life you are, but am 20 years older. My wife started out as very affactionate and after we got married, she stopped everything and even her parent started piling on continually telling me I don't make enough money and I make her live in squalor, when our house was worth just as much money as their's was. Now there is no sex or no nothing. I started to go to lawyers to see what would happen to me if I left her and since we had 3 kids I would be reduced to living at well below poverty. I could also never leave her because I could never have her as the primary parent of the kids since they hate her just as much as I do. Divorce won't work for me and for you.

Where does this leave for men like us who were conned into what we thought would be a life of love married to who we were dating at the time? I'm sure your wife knows full well that you can't divorce her and so then doesn't feel she has to do anything to make the marriage worthwhile for you and there's really nothing you can do about it. You can try to fix the marriage but I'm sure she knows that's coming, and again she doesn't have to do anything even though you are trying to make your lives together better. I've lived this for over 20 years and there's no answers, however I've promised myself that I would divorce her once the kids are done with college and don't need to live at the house anymore. I know that's a long time for you but I really don't see any other way.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> I'm guessing you didn't get the advice you needed on your first thread, so you started another. That's from your other thread.
> 
> OUCH!
> 
> ...


Feel that? It's your heartbeat. It's not too late for you either...


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> I'm truly sorry that you have to go through this.
> 
> I'm living the same life you are, but am 20 years older. My wife started out as very affactionate and after we got married, she stopped everything and even her parent started piling on continually telling me I don't make enough money and I make her live in squalor, when our house was worth just as much money as their's was. Now there is no sex or no nothing. I started to go to lawyers to see what would happen to me if I left her and since we had 3 kids I would be reduced to living at well below poverty. I could also never leave her because I could never have her as the primary parent of the kids since they hate her just as much as I do. Divorce won't work for me and for you.
> 
> Where does this leave for men like us who were conned into what we thought would be a life of love married to who we were dating at the time? I'm sure your wife knows full well that you can't divorce her and so then doesn't feel she has to do anything to make the marriage worthwhile for you and there's really nothing you can do about it. You can try to fix the marriage but I'm sure she knows that's coming, and again she doesn't have to do anything even though you are trying to make your lives together better. I've lived this for over 20 years and there's no answers, however I've promised myself that I would divorce her once the kids are done with college and don't need to live at the house anymore. I know that's a long time for you but I really don't see any other way.




Same here. 56 yo. Kids are gone.
Can't just "walk out" though. I have WAY TOO MUCH to loose.
But I have lots of fun, expensive hobbies.:smthumbup: And no one complains about them. (wouldn't matter anyway)
It does sort of hurt though knowing you're needed, but not wanted.


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