# My public confession. Long.



## FWspouse (Feb 27, 2012)

Not really sure where to start. My wife and I have been married since 05. We had a schedule where we didn't have much time together for the first 4 years. She worked a swing shift and I worked days. No kids together. Hers are grown and mine are now 21 and 19. Her son lives with us and has severe anxiety/depression issues. Over the last 1 1/2 years she lost her job and I got into the union which replaced her income and benefits but made it to where I had to travel for work. By travel I mean I was working out of state and would make it home about once a month for a weekend and I would spend most of that time working around the property or she would come see me and I would take an extra day or 2 to spend time together. I was a bummer but it was working until we decided hat we needed more $$$ to accomplish some things and i went to work in California which made spending much time together expensive and rare. I had always been the guy that could shake his head at the others that cheated on their women and knew that I could never do that to mine. I loved her more than anything and still do. 



Sometime in Oct last year that changed and I don't know why. I started going out,. My wife knew I was going out a little to shoot pool with some buddies from work but didn't know how often I was really going out. The next thing I knew I was talking to a woman and we ended up having sex. I had talked to this woman a few more times on the phone but we never met again or had sex again. I felt so incredibly guilty but couldn't bring myself to tell my wife. For a couple weeks I was a good guy then i started going back out again. Over the next several weeks I met 5 more women but didn't have sex with them. 1 ended up giving me a # she never answered. I called 1 and talked once and never again. 1 I never saw again but maintained a phone/text/email relationship with although we did kiss on the night we met. The other 2 I did see again. 1 I saw 2 more times and on the last night we saw each other we kissed. The other I saw once more and we kissed. Both of the last 2 I had an ongoing phone relationship with as well.

I was also going on Craig's List and replying to post's supposedly by women seeking men. I never got anything back in reply except form letters designed to get you to sign up for a website and give your cc# or sites that you have to spend $$$ to use and my guess is you still won't meet anyone. Most all of the replies I sent were very sexual in nature but never ended in my meeting with anyone. I also responded to an ad clearly from a prostitute, called her but that was it. Won't spend $$$ to get laid. I signed up on a cheaters website but again they wanted $$$, won't do it. Checked out My redbooks website but just pro's.
All this time my wife had no idea what i was doing. In Nov on our anniversary she told me that since I was going out a little to shoot pool with my friends and that women would be hitting on me that all I had to do was tell her about it and by true to her. This was after I had sex with another woman and I looked her in the eye and told her about some drunk woman that had hit on me and I told her I was happily married. My wife says that it seemed like I was ashamed I think she said that some one else had hit on me.

I got hurt pretty badly at work in washington state and my wife was coming out to be with me. I had deleted all of the contacts from my phone except 1 and still don't know why i left it. We spent an amazing week together and while on our way back from Vegas the woman whose contact i left on my phone calls. This is the start of a very bad month. 

I panicked, lied, told her I didn't know who it was. he knew better. Finally I admit to having talked to only 1 woman. It is a very long ride from Vegas to LA under these conditions. A day or 2 later she knows that there's more and she's right. I admit to 3 more woman, but no sex with them, and the ones I admitted to it was true. I told her I had phone relationships with them and had kissed a couple of them.The whole time she is asking me is they're anything else. I lied again and said no that's it. She knows better. We decide that we want to try and work this out but i need to come home from Cali so we head back to Kentucky. It gets a little blurry in my mind for me from this point to present but we had a good week or so. My step father had died while we were on our way back home and while in Florida for the funeral she finds a phone # on my laptop. I tell a half truth and say it's a pro's # that a buddy gave me. I tell her that I called and when she told me what she wanted I said no thanks which is true but I can't explain why I saved it on my laptop. She's steaming mad and rightfully so. Once again I have lied.

The next day we start heading back home and she can't quit thinking about my pitiful excuse for how I got the # on my laptop so I pull of the road, get the laptop out and show her craigs list the email account she didn't know about, and how I copied and pasted the # into notepad which is how it ended up on my PC. For what seems like the hundredth time looking back she says is that it and I lie. She's mad as hell and I offer to get out of the truck and make my own way back home so she can be away from me. She says no and we drive on but she knows there's more. Later we check into a nice hotel on the beach and as I'm in the shower she gets on the email she didn't know about before, see's all of the replies to the craigs list ads I made which again were very sexual in nature, and tells me she's out of there. I tell her to stay and I'll go so she has a good room and the truck. She says no and off we go again down the road. About 400 miles later of total silence except for her telling all 3 of her kids in graphic detail of my escapades and just exactly how big a piece of *** I am I tell her to pull over and finally admit to having sex with another woman that she didn't know about, and everything else i had been up to. Finally the truth, all of the truth is out. We stop several hundred miles down the road for the night and make it home the next day. 

Over and over she asks me why I had to drag it out so long and I don't know. We were going to a marriage counslor but I wasn't telling the whole truth. We would just be starting to do better and something else would come out. All I did was sabotage any chance we have of making through this. After several more conversations I realize I have a problem with sex and lying. I am going to a counselor this Friday to start working on my problems in the hopes that I can deal with my demons and save my marriage. 

I never stopped loving my wife and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I still don't know why I did what I did. All I can do is hope the councelor can help me and hope that we can get through this. If she decides that she can't do it I have no one to blame but myself. And I will spend the rest of my life knowing that I completely destroyed the best thing to ever happen to me in my life.


I'm sorry this is so long but I had to tell it.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well at least the lying is over. Now it can stop getting worse. Do go to counseling. Figure out why you did what you did, get to the bottom of it and learn from it. 

Give your wife complete transparency. Answer all of her questions, every single time she ask them, gladly, willingly and honestly. She'll ask the same ones multiple times. Do not blame shift, gas light (make her thing she's crazy) or get frustrated with her. Stand up and be held accountable - let her see you do this. Be open and honest with her. And for God's sake do not tell her another lie - about anything -even if something inane and stupid. Brutal and absolute honesty are critical for you, any lie or half truth will set her back huge. 

I would also recommend marriage counseling for the two of you in addition to your individual counseling. If she's willing, reconciliation is possible. It's a lot of work for both of you, but the responsibility is yours. You will both have to accept that the marriage you had is over. The one if front of you can be better, worse or non-existent - it's up to the two of you. 

FWIW, I'm a cheater as well. You're likely to get some tough responses. If you really want help trying to fix this take your lumps and hang around. The people here, betrayeds and cheaters both, are willing to help you if you will accept responsibility for what you've done.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You remind me of my husband. He didn't trickle truth that badly, but you have the same kind of tone he does. Anyway.

Good for you for admitting you have a problem and getting help. If your wife chooses to remain with you, you have a long long road ahead. She will seem crazy at times - she will think she IS crazy at times - and her heart will be broken.

Read the link in my signature about understanding. The words there give you a glimpse off what you have done.

And don't be afraid of the tongue lashing you're going to get. You do deserve it. From people here, and maybe from your wife too.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I don't know that I believe you "don't know why you did it". If you are owning up to what you did, then that is the first thing you accept. Its usually pretty pathetic either way " I like the attention" or "She made me feel special" etc, etc. Don't think that you are above doing these things for those reasons. When you do finally sit there and realize what you were doing, it will come to you.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

If I recall correctly, your W used this forum and thats how you found it. I assume she still does?. 

Presumably, she will read your post. Hopefully, by now she already knows everything you have written here?

I think I understand what your trying to do. Symbolically throwing yourself to the wolves?. 

But, Your making a "public confession" as an anonomous person, on an anonomous message board in the middle of the infinite world of cyberspace. 

Why don't you print this post and hand deliver it all of your friends, coworkers and relatives?. 

That's real. That's courage. 

That would show your wife your deep remorse and your genuine desire to be held accountable for this awful thing you have done to the one person who loved & trusted you more than anyone in the world.

You want to be her hero again? Offer her that choice.


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## ninnie (Feb 22, 2012)

This is his wife and yes, I read this. Nothing new. What he is not telling you is that while we were having that "amazing" week together, he was slipping around behind my back, still talking with two of these women. He just had to go get me some bubble bath the first night we were together because he said i would enjoy a nice bubble bath. But now when I get on the online phone bill, I see it was so he could text one of them. I do appreciate that he finally admitted to sex with one of them but I know in my heart(like I always have) thats there more. It killed me that he drug out the trickle truth for a month, nobody should ever have to go thru that. I do love him but right now I honestly don't know why.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

OP, if you are really saying that you don't know why you did what you did and you're hoping your therapist can fix you, you're not taking full responsibility for what you did. Your therapist can't help you if you're not being honest with yourself.

It sounds like you really dragged things out with trickle truth for a long time because you didn't want to be held accountable for what you did. It's good that you finally came clean (if you actually did admit to everything, which it looks like you did not as your wife's post indicates something important you left out), but if you're not going to be honest with yourself and everyone else involved, then you're not really helping yourself. So, think long and hard about how honest you are being about what you did and why you did it. Some people just get off on getting some attention on the side because it makes them feel like they're getting a secret illicit thrill. You're a serial cheater, so maybe that's your problem.

I'm glad you're starting to take ownership of your actions. Your wife deserves a better man than you have demonstrated yourself to be; since she's giving you another chance which is an amazingly generous gift, you really ought to be a better man and a better husband from now onwards, however hard it is to accept the truth of your actions. Telling the truth doesn't vindicate you, doesn't free you from blame, doesn't earn you a reward....what it does is show you the big pile of lies standing between you and where you want to be and when you finally push them to the side, you might be able to walk the path of your life and marriage with more integrity than you have done up until now.

You really seem to be making an effort, so that is good for you. I wish you both lots of good luck.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

ninnie said:


> This is his wife and yes, I read this. Nothing new. What he is not telling you is that while we were having that "amazing" week together, he was slipping around behind my back, still talking with two of these women. He just had to go get me some bubble bath the first night we were together because he said i would enjoy a nice bubble bath. But now when I get on the online phone bill, I see it was so he could text one of them. I do appreciate that he finally admitted to sex with one of them but I know in my heart(like I always have) thats there more. It killed me that he drug out the trickle truth for a month, nobody should ever have to go thru that. I do love him but right now I honestly don't know why.


I am so sorry that you have been put through all of this ninnie. I know you can agree when I say that the lying and deception add a whole other layer of pain and distrust to the cheating. You need to make your boundaries clear, and do not make a decision to hastily about wanting to R. You may wake up in six months and realize you can not imagine staying with him. If it helps, I was also cheated on and lied to, and we are still together. Its been about 2.5 years since Dday, and things are good, but the memory of that pain can never go away completely. Best of luck to you.


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## FWspouse (Feb 27, 2012)

Hope1964. I read your post on understanding the pain a couple of weeks ago. It was a gut wrenching account and very painful to read.

Pit of my stomach. After reading the replies so far I told my wife what you had posted and asked her if she wants me to do that. She said I don't know. if she decides that' what she wants I will gladly do it because you may be right on this. I have told very few people because I am ashamed of what I have done and do care about what others think about me so if she wants this she will get it. 

DawnD. I am taking full responsibility for my actions. Nobody made me talk to these women, see them, pursue them, or have sex with another woman. I did this all on my own. I said I don't know why I did what i did because at this point I don't. I do want to figure it out so I can understand why and make the changes I need to make. 

I never wanted to hurt my wife. I went far beyond hurting her. I crushed her and get to see the pain in her face everyday. I can't change what I have done no matter how badly I want to. I guess all I can do is to deal with my problems and show my wife that I can be the husband she once had again. I love her and don't want to lose her forever.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

FWspouse said:


> Hope1964. I read your post on understanding the pain a couple of weeks ago. It was a gut wrenching account and very painful to read.


I'm glad. Beowulf is the poster, though, not me. He was kind enough to allow me to link to it in my sig because I hope every WS reads it.

Ninnie, there are still days I wonder why I love my husband too. but I do.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

As long as she's willing to stand by you after your confessions, get into counseling right now!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The two of you really do need to find a way that you can live together or spend a lot more time together. It's very hard to maintain the emotional connection required for a marriage when you have so little time together. 

It will also be very hard for your to prove that you are trustworthy to your wife when you are away so much.


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## FWspouse (Feb 27, 2012)

Yeah we tried 2 councelors already. The first was no good and the second made my wife feel uncomfortable then suggested we pray on it. Not knocking religion but don't impose your beliefs on me on my dime. Since the final DDay she says that I need counceling. She doesn't know if she wants to do marriage counceling again.

Were already spending almost all day everyday together now because I'm on workers comp right now. I just don't know what to make it quality time now. We have traveled a lot lately and seen some wonderful things but it all got cancelled out because I had not fully confessed until last Wednesday when we were on our way home. Now it's back to the daily grind.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You can make it quality time by spending time together doing things like taking.. about anything, about both of your feelings.

Watch some TV together and hold hands, cuddle. (not too much tv).

Can you go for a walk? Go for walks, hold hands and talk some more.

One thing that the two of you could do is to get the books linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. Read them together (maybe aloud, taking turns reading a chapter to each other). Then talk about it and do the work that the books talk about. Doing this will go a long way towards rebuilding your marriage. That is the purpose of the books. And you will find out a lot about each other doing this.


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## miscommunication (Oct 1, 2011)

ninnie said:


> This is his wife and yes, I read this. Nothing new. What he is not telling you is that while we were having that "amazing" week together, he was slipping around behind my back, still talking with two of these women. He just had to go get me some bubble bath the first night we were together because he said i would enjoy a nice bubble bath. But now when I get on the online phone bill, I see it was so he could text one of them. I do appreciate that he finally admitted to sex with one of them but I know in my heart(like I always have) thats there more. It killed me that he drug out the trickle truth for a month, nobody should ever have to go thru that. I do love him but right now I honestly don't know why.


I am sorry that the both of you are here. To OP, you messed up bad. But you don't me or anyone else to tell you that. You need to take a very long and serious look at yourself and figure out what's missing. I was both a cheater and cheated on. I know the pain of causing someone pain and experiencing the heart wrenching aftermath of being cheated on. You really don't have a true grasp of the pain your wife feels. The mind movies and questions of self worth and why will eat her up. She will want to know why and you may say I don't know. But you need to figure it out. You got something to gain from your actions and you need to figure it out. Not only to fix whatever that issue is but to avoid this pitfall again. I am in no way blaming anyone here but if something is missing in a marriage then it's the responsibility of both parties to fix what is missing. Ultimately it was your decision to cheat and you need to own that and the pain you have caused. I hope that you are as lucky as me and that like my wife that yours may give you the greatest gift of reconciliation. It's not an easy road but it's one that can definitely be travelled. I would encourage you to start that journey by reading a book that was very helpful to me. The Five Love Languages. I have repeatedly told my wife that I wish someone had given me that book 11 years ago and forced me to read it. It could have saved my marriage a great amount of pain. I hope that you are much more receptive than I was in the past. It took being served with divorce papers and my wife moving out for me to hit rock bottom and be open to change and honestly it's the most painful thing but I don't think I would have changed otherwise. Read the book, make amends with your wife and understand this isn't a short process. The pain takes long time to scar over and the scar is a constant reminder of the pain. I wish you both the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Some reasons to consider why you cheated.... these are not excuses. These are reasons... if you protect against the reasons that you cheated you are more likely to not repeat that behavior.

YOu were out of town and lonely. There was opportunity. You thought you could get away with it.


*You were out of town and lonely.*

You and your wife had lost of alot of your emotional connection. 
You need to spend less time away from your wife. You and your wife need to do things to rebuild your bond.

The lonely part of working away from home can be hard to deal with. So find things that you can do. Get a Kindle (or something like that ) and carry a library of interesting books with you so you can keep busy reading.

Form an online life with our wife... you two can chat and do some fun things on line together every night or so. Play online games together. There is also cyber sex and phone sex. There are computer cameras as well so you can see each other ever day. There is a lot that the two of you can do to build up a relationship.

*There was opportunity. *
Stay away from situations where there is opportunity. Avoid talking with women is social settings when you are out. This sort of thing always starts out innocent. It does down hill from there if you let it and if you want it to... you wanted it to .. maybe because you were loney. 

*You thought you could get away with it.*
This is a big one. With secret email accounts, the internet, etc it's easy to get away with for a while.

So be completely transparent. Give your wife the passwords to every account you have and your cell phone. She should be able to check your text's, phone bill, call records, texts, charge accounts, email, and any other account you have on the computer. Don't ask her if she wants the name of every account and password. Just give them to her.. put them on the home computer where she can find them if she ever wants to check.

You can even install a keylogger on your computer that uploads your computer activity to a website or that emails it to your wife. 

If you have a work issued computer this might be difficult. But if you have a personal one that you use then it will work well. Since you were accessing sites that would get you in trouble at work, you must have personal computer.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

ninnie said:


> This is his wife and yes, I read this. Nothing new. What he is not telling you is that while we were having that "amazing" week together, he was slipping around behind my back, still talking with two of these women. He just had to go get me some bubble bath the first night we were together because he said i would enjoy a nice bubble bath. But now when I get on the online phone bill, I see it was so he could text one of them. I do appreciate that he finally admitted to sex with one of them but I know in my heart(like I always have) thats there more. It killed me that he drug out the trickle truth for a month, nobody should ever have to go thru that. I do love him but right now I honestly don't know why.


I sure hope there isn't anything else that he is not telling you. My H kept TTing for 10 months. He told me that I had him "running scared", and he was afraid that if he told me everything it would end all chance of my staying with him. It is like death by a thousand cuts to think you have all the correct information and then be hit again by another sh!t storm. Your H must be made to understand that anything less than absolute truth may push you over the edge. He will actually be containing the damage by coming completely clean. My pain started all over again 10 months after the first d-day. It was another cowardly betrayal as far as I was concerned. You can get beyond this, but TTing makes it so much harder. Good luck to you, ((((Hugs)))).


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Some reasons to consider why you cheated.... these are not excuses. These are reasons... if you protect against the reasons that you cheated you are more likely to not repeat that behavior.


This is an extremely good point. Nothing you say will excuse your actions, and so looking for something that will excuse you will get in the way of actually understanding what's happening. You probably don't know why you chose to do the foolish thing over the right thing....and that's because you didn't think about it in those terms when you did it. Few cheaters actually think in their head "I'm gonna go cheat on my partner"; instead, they find ways to rationalize what they're doing. They might see the flaws in their partners and think that they are worthy of being with someone who doesn't have those flaws (affair fog speaking, because everyone has flaws). Or, they might find a thrill in the illicit. Or, they might think that because it's hidden it isn't hurting anyone, like the secret second cookie you might sneak from a cookie jar; but secrets are divisive. You have to protect your marriage from whatever weakness allowed you to give in to the temptation. Everyone gets tempted and that doesn't make you a bad guy. Elegirl is right though....if you don't find the REASONS you won't be able to protect your marriage next time. You're never going to find an answer "why" that excuses you, so be sure you're asking the right questions.

Think of it this way -- you build a fortress to live in. You get attacked and baddies from the other side get in. They don't even seem like baddies, just wanderers. Suddenly, there's an obvious weakness in your defenses and real baddies can get in. You can say, "why, oh why is my beautiful fortress not successfully keeping out the enemy?" or, you can say "ok, these are weak points in the defenses and we're going to fix them now so that it's safer next time". I'm putting it playfully because we are often more receptive to playful thoughts than guilty ones. Change the way you think about your situation. Don't protect yourself, protect your marriage, your bond. (Protect yourself, too, but if you're having to protect yourself from your spouse, you should reconsider why you married that person). Don't put your marriage in such a state that your spouse feels the need to be guarded against you.

You really do seem like you care about your wife and like you're trying. I hope you make sense of the reasons why you cheated and that you can both fix your marriage. Hang in there.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

desert-rose said:


> Think of it this way -- you build a fortress to live in. You get attacked and baddies from the other side get in. They don't even seem like baddies, just wanderers. Suddenly, there's an obvious weakness in your defenses and real baddies can get in.


ROFLMAO!!! Baddies ? That's Epic!.


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