# She Cheated a long time Ago



## NYC (Sep 29, 2011)

Ten years ago I had reasons to believe my wife was cheating on me. The way she was acting. I confirmed this with e-mails she sent to her sister basically asking to cover for her. In a phone conversation with my wife I made an indirect comment that I knew something was up. I never said anything else and the "situation", as refered to in the email, ended shortly after this phone call. I think our phone conversation scared her. 
I have never said a word about it but I have never been able to let this go. It has bugged me off and on for years. I trust my wife 98% of the time and she has done nothing to raise my suspisions. My question, how do I let this go? by bring it up? I need closure to this issue for me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You don't just ignore it. You call her on it and demand to know wtf was up with it.

Look once a cheater, always a chater, jst better at hiding it,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Why didn't you talk to her about what you found back then?

What's going on with you right now that has you thinking about this? If she's not acting weird or secretive, then what's going on with you? 

IMO, if you don't address a perceived problem within a 24 hour period then it's not worth addressing and you should let it go. Your wife will likely see this line of questioning as you coming out of left field, and she'll want to know why you're bringing it up NOW versus 10 years ago.


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## NYC (Sep 29, 2011)

I am not sure with me. I feel something is wrong. I have tons of anxiety about "us" for no apparent reason.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NYC said:


> I am not sure with me. *I feel something is wrong. I have tons of anxiety about "us" for no apparent reason*.


Have you told her this? You should. She may be able to help you through that.

How often do you talk to one another? And I'm talking about having 'state of the relationship' type talks. Not every day surface conversations. How often do you dial in and see where she's at with you and how she feels about your relationship?


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Ask for Polygraph. Even if she refuses, you will learn alot from her reaction.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

:lol:

A polygraph??? People on here watch way too much tv. I swear I would laugh you right out of the room at such a suggestion.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> Ask for Polygraph. Even if she refuses, you will learn alot from her reaction.


Isn't that a little like walking up to her, slapping her across the face and then asking her, "what did you do to deserve that?"

I think communication is in order.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

A little while ago I confronted my wife on something that happened over 10 years prior. Something we'd both swept under the rug. Something that bothered me occasionally. No difinitive cheating, but inappropriate behavior that reeked of more. 

I handled the talk poorly. She clammed up. Pretends she doesn't remember it. That's what your wife will do. Guaranteed. Be prepared.

I screwed up. An old problem that I never received closure on, and would think about rarely, has now been eating away at me every day for he past two years.

Good luck. Don't treat this lightly. And be careful.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Just tell her it's bothering you and you want get past it with the help of MC. Both of you need to attend. I think you'll get the answers you need to put it behind you, and the affirmation that she has been faithful ever since. 

You need to talk to her about first though. Maybe she can put it to rest without MC. But she should be willing to go to MC if you ask.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

NYC said:


> I am not sure with me. I feel something is wrong. I have tons of anxiety about "us" for no apparent reason.



Most of the time, the "gut" is right.

Why dont you start with some detective work? Buy a few VARs (voice activated recorder), plant them in the house where she spends most time on the phone. And velcro another one underneath her car seat. Also, keylogger to monitor her computer, and something else (an app?) to track her phone.

Do your preparation first before bringing up the past.

You'll need to talk with your wife about the 10 year old incident eventually. If it is bothering you now, I dont if you hold off for the next, say, 20 years?

As a side note: start protecting your financial position from her.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

aug said:


> Most of the time, the "gut" is right.
> 
> *Why dont you start with some detective work? * Buy a few VARs (voice activated recorder), plant them in the house where she spends most time on the phone. And velcro another one underneath her car seat. Also, keylogger to monitor her computer, and something else (an app?) to track her phone.
> 
> ...


Why not just TALK to her? Why do you have to go all Magnum P.I. on her immediately? :scratchhead:

Seriously, you want to alienate her or find out what's going on (if anything)? Not treating her like an adult will certainly push her away, not get any questions answered.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> :lol:
> 
> A polygraph??? People on here watch way too much tv. I swear I would laugh you right out of the room at such a suggestion.


I disagree. Poly is a very under-appreciated method of resolving conflict such as this. It certainly is not a magic potion to cure everything. But, when it is addressed properly, it can be used as quite an effective tool to pressure the lying party to come clean. 

Even if the WS declines, you can learn alot observing his/her reaction to such demand.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> I disagree. Poly is a very under-appreciated method of resolving conflict such as this. It certainly is not a magic potion to cure everything. But, when it is addressed properly, it can be used as quite an effective tool to pressure the lying party to come clean.
> 
> Even if the WS declines, you can learn alot observing his/her reaction to such demand.



Poly is also the most effective way to get someone to completely ignore you and shut down communications. I would love to do a survey of people on this forum who actually TOOK advice like this and it was beneficial to their relationship.

If you have to suggest such a thing, the relationship isn't worth it.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Poly is also the most effective way to get someone to completely ignore you and shut down communications. I would love to do a survey of people on this forum who actually TOOK advice like this and it was beneficial to their relationship.
> 
> If you have to suggest such a thing, the relationship isn't worth it.


What made you think the mention of poly would "shut down communications"? Any convesation of A after D-day is bound to be unpleasant to both parties. How many WS go ballistic and resentful after exposure of A? It's just another tool to utilize to crack down the wall of deceit. In the aftermath of A, BS would and should go any length to snoop and demand things to end A. Some even resolve in legally questionable methods to achieve the purpose and save the marriage. Short of shooting down the OM with rifle, almost anything goes. Just ask polygraphers how often their test has been used in such marital disputes. They will tell you endless cases where it played a critical role in resolving this kind of issues.

Without any reasonable evidence, asking for Poly can be detrimental to otherwise healthy spousal dynamics, but when a strong enough evidence of A has been revealed, requesting poly is not such a ridiculous idea as you seem to make it out to be.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

ABM, do you speak from practical experience, or just theoretizing?

We all imagine ourselves acting boldly in case of being cheated upon.. until it happens.


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## Cristian Luca (Sep 7, 2011)

Talk to your woman


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> *Why not just TALK to her? Why do you have to go all Magnum P.I. on her immediately?* :scratchhead:
> 
> Seriously, you want to alienate her or find out what's going on (if anything)? Not treating her like an adult will certainly push her away, not get any questions answered.



Because she wont tell the truth.

And it would be nice to have some closure with the truth.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Putting GPS on her and bugging her car is overkill. If you think your spouse is a liar, then why stay? If you can't expect the truth from the get go, what's the point? You either trust her or you don't until you receive info that tells you otherwise. To go running off doing the Miami Vice on her before just TALKING to her is very premature. It a clear indication that you don't even respect her enough to just have a conversation with her.


"Trust, but verify"


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Putting GPS on her and bugging her car is overkill. If you think your spouse is a liar, then why stay? If you can't expect the truth from the get go, what's the point? You either trust her or you don't until you receive info that tells you otherwise. To go running off doing the Miami Vice on her before just TALKING to her is very premature. It a clear indication that you don't even respect her enough to just have a conversation with her.


I wish life were that simple.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

ABM - you sound just like my wife. She trust me more than I trust myself. It would actually make me feel a little better if she would check on me but she says if I want to cheat again I can beat her at hiding it so why bother. 

It's scary how much she trust me despite my EA, makes me very careful that I never prove her wrong again. It's like being handed a huge responsibility that I'm sure I'm qualified for.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My W started 13 years ago. I told her one thing, it had to stop and left it at that.
Well through out the years the resentment built up and it got to a point were I stopped caring about the marriage. It was kind of nice being able to do what I wanted and answer to no one, and have sex when ever I wanted. I took her after work,before she went out (there's alot of guy out there that had my sloppy seconds...poor bastards). She asked me for a divorce and was happy to do it, but she never did the foot work. So I always had my trophy, no matter how crappy I treated her.
Now 13 years later and 20 OM, I have final addressed my unhealty marriage.
I waited two damb long!

Thats my perspective.

Address this bs now, you haven't healed...its unhealthy to live this way, you diserve good things, talk to your chick. There is so much more the both of you have to offer each other. Get the elephant out of the room so the both of you can be happy with each outher.

By the way, it only took 5 years after her 1st affair (13 YEARS AGO) to cheat on me again. Trust me when I tell you ADDRESS THIS NOW!!!!!!!

Last thing, she may not want to but thats the thing here, with out consequences she will repeat....force the isue for the sake of a healthier marriage with a chance of prevention


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Poly is also the most effective way to get someone to completely ignore you and shut down communications. I would love to do a survey of people on this forum who actually TOOK advice like this and it was beneficial to their relationship.
> 
> If you have to suggest such a thing, the relationship isn't worth it.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32624-polygraph-results-venting-bit-3.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/26252-found-out-wife-cheated-first-year-our-marriage-7-years-later-4.html#post338278

Try using the search function.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> IMO it is. People like to overcomplicate things.
> 
> Trust but verify is an oxymoron. If you trust me, you trust me. If you have to go behind my back to make sure what I'm saying to you is the truth, then you don't trust me.


Damn right I don't trust you. That's the consequence to cheating. That's why the BS must verify. There is no trust and it has to be rebuilt. Verification is for the BS, not the the cheater.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

NYC said:


> Ten years ago I had reasons to believe my wife was cheating on me. The way she was acting. I confirmed this with e-mails she sent to her sister basically asking to cover for her. In a phone conversation with my wife I made an indirect comment that I knew something was up. I never said anything else and the "situation", as refered to in the email, ended shortly after this phone call. I think our phone conversation scared her.
> I have never said a word about it but I have never been able to let this go. It has bugged me off and on for years. I trust my wife 98% of the time and she has done nothing to raise my suspisions. My question, how do I let this go? by bring it up? I need closure to this issue for me.


You haven't healed because you both swept this under the rug, plain and simple. Now you have your gut feelings telling you something is wrong.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Verification is for cowards who can't just end the relationship with a confirmed liar and cheater. Just saying.
> 
> I also have found a trend here. The ones who are mainly thumping the polygraph (etc.) are male. Interesting.


well you're speaking from the point of view that all betrayed spouses should divorce automatically


not everyone feels that way

and no I am not a fan of polygraphs either


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Verifcation is for cowards? :rofl:

I verify and I can assure you, I'm no coward. I've been through divorce. This is my SECOND time around with a different wife. I have no problem pulling the trigger. And it's not for you to say that those who choose to investigate and verify are cowards. That's insulting to most everyone in this forum, so get off your high horse.

Good for you if you can just end a marriage at the drop of the hat. If that works for you, then more power to you. Going by your logic, then EVERY marriage should end because of ANY infidelity. "Just saying".

For others, who have invested decades of their life, have children, and property, it's a little harder to just pull the trigger on Divorce. For many, D will mean dragging the children through it, financial devastation like bankruptcy and/or foreclosure, etc. It's not cowardly to verify and investigate before having to pull the trigger, it's being smart. You've been divorced too, and you said it sucks. Really? If that's the case, then you should know from experience it's really not as simple as not trusting someone and kicking them to the curb right off the bat. 

And what is this trend you speak of?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Verification is for cowards who can't just end the relationship with a confirmed liar and cheater. Just saying.


How do you confirm a cheater? Talking to her? How naive.

Cheating is for cowards and seeing how - by your own admission - you were once a cheater yourself I can see why you hold this point of view.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Nope. I'm not saying that at all. If you choose to stay in the relationship after your discovery, then by doing so, you have decided to let it go to move forward. IF you can't do that, then yes you need to move right along.


It takes on average 2-5 years to recover from infidelity, choosing to stay does not mean that R will be successful. R may work out, or it may eventually fail. Its up to the BS if he/she wants to offer the precious gift of R. For many, they want to at least know they gave it a shot.



A Bit Much said:


> I got accused of things I wasn't doing all the time. I told my ex the affair was over and he wouldn't let it go enough to move forward with repairing our marriage. He expected ME to do it, and I did, but he couldn't do the same. He didn't stop the cheating, and that's most likely part of the reason he suspected me all the time, but it was I think more than that. He couldn't believe that I would do such a thing to him. It was crazy. I couldn't stand living like that and asked for a divorce.


It's too bad that you're only way of dealing with his A was to have an RA of your own. So you never made it to R. Now I can see why you feel the way you do. So sad.



A Bit Much said:


> People talk about the consequence of a cheater is to have their betrayed spouse constantly asking questions and following them around and being suspicious of their actions, but honestly, I think acting like that is more punishment/torture for the betrayed than it is for the betrayor.


Since you never were able to make it to R or were in a position where R was possible, you can't see how it can help eventually give the BS peace of mind.




A Bit Much said:


> I'm not interested in living like that.


And that's your decision. You've been in your marriage 8-10 years now from your profile, so I take it that if you lose trust in your H, you will simply kick him to the curb immediately and flush your marriage down the drain. That's your choice.



A Bit Much said:


> I just don't see how productive it is to follow you around and spy and snoop... I already know what you're capable of.


You may not be able to see how productive it is, but many others do. It's all about re-building trust, and that can only be done thru verification. Have you ever tried it? No, you haven't experienced it yet. 

For you, a single A is your deal breaker, and that's perfectly fine. For me its a PA. For others, they can forgive a freaking 14 year LTA and the WS giving birth to an OC. Everyone has what they consider their deal breaker.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> If you say so. In my experience, no it isn't. This doesn't get to fit into a grey area in my world. Why take them back if you're just going to follow them around like that? Is it really being smart or is it just being paranoid?


In your world, it's an immediate deal breaker, after you have your own RA. Verification is smart, it's about rebuilding trust. But I can see how you feel that way from your experience.



A Bit Much said:


> You want to protect your heart from hurting again, you're not going to do it playing I spy.





A Bit Much said:


> I invested plenty in my previous marriage, I have 2 kids, we owned a home... just because YOU can't pull the trigger doesn't mean others can't. I'm remarried, and my kids are grown and in college right now. They turned out pretty damn good considering what our family has been through.


You only divorced after you had your own revenge affair and tried to R with your WH who wouldn't stop his own A. 



A Bit Much said:


> You say this is your second wife? Did she cheat on you too?


Obviously. She had an EA. My personal deal breaker is a PA. But that's my choice. Others may differ.



A Bit Much said:


> And the trend I speak of is just what I said. I'm noticing that the males (not all) on this forum are the ones who suggest polys and VAR's and keyloggers.... spy equipment to 'verify' whether or not their wives are telling the truth.


Really? Then you don't know who the males and the females in the forum are. Regulars like Jellybeans and Eli-Zor, etc, are female you know.



A Bit Much said:


> Is it that the men are more suspicious of the women in their lives? They want to stay in the relationship, but refuse to honestly trust their wives again.


You don't get it. Its about rebuilding trust.



A Bit Much said:


> What I notice is that the women (here) who find themselves in these situations are more willing to just let it go and go right into reconciliation. They are more apt to believe their husbands intentions, without all the requests for polys etc. You don't notice that?


Again, really? I also notice a lot of men who are also wanting to quickly go into R, only after repeatedly getting burned do they ever so slowly proceed to D. There's numerous threads started by males who come here not wanting to D, but R. These are the males that need a lot of pain before finally getting around to being firm toward R, or proceed to D. Maybe you've noticed them, they're usually in the long threads. Or they come here asking for advice, then not liking the advice to D or investigate their spouse, disappear from the forum, only to reappear months later to say things have gotten worse because they decided to sweep it under the rug and move on. You don't notice that? Ask LostCPA, or marksaysay, disbelief, hurtinTN, land2634etc, etc, etc.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

My apologies to the forum, I've gone OT. Am done with this thread.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Deleted to avoid OT.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Cheating IS for cowards. Absolutely. People in these situations KNOW their spouse is cheating. Confirmation doesn't have to be done by just asking the question. *They out themselves 9 out of 10 times. If you're paying any attention to the state of your relationship prior, you know what they're doing, it doesn't come out of no where*.


I beg to differ. Not everybody knows their spouse is cheating and when they do suspect that they are and confront the cheater, they get accused of not being trusting and get blamed for issues long gone. The betrayed spouse is subjected to gaslighting by their cheating spouse.

_*Gaslighting* is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim._

Besides there are cheaters who cheat not because they want to leave the marriage. These cheaters are very good a compartmentalizing and hiding their affair(s) for years. They are excellent actors and actresses worthy of an Oscar for best performance.

For this reason, people here advocate verification. Once indisputable evidence is presented, the cheater will no longer be able to manipulate his/her betrayed spouse. At that point, the cheater has the choice to either show remorse and recommit to the marriage or choose to leave. Many cheaters stay in the marriage not out of love for their betrayed spouse but out of convenience and will bail as soon as they can. It is better to confirm what kind of cheater a betrayed is dealing with so that he/she can then make the decision to move with his/her life.

Trust must be earned. A cheater can only hope to regain the betrayed spouse's trust ONLY through subsequent verification. That is the price of cheating and for being allowed to remain married to their betrayed spouse.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> People in these situations KNOW their spouse is cheating. Confirmation doesn't have to be done by just asking the question. They out themselves 9 out of 10 times.




orly?


you pulled stats out of your ass to defend your point of view

you're basically saying either divorce or go back to blind trust, such a naively dangerous notion.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> No need to kill an ant with a hammer. If your spouse tells you something that doesn't sound right, you have a choice to make. Make it. Believe what is said or NOT.
> 
> Ill behavior doesn't happen in a vacuum. I'm not divorcing you for lying to me. A liar doesn't only lie once. There's a series of untruths that string along to make a history of dishonesty. If I'm married to you, I know what type of person you are, and if I don't then I haven't been paying attention to you. Liars eventually get caught. I'm that person that has that long rope that you'll eventually hang yourself with.



Why does someone like the OP have to wait until that point? They they have paid attention, they know something is not right and the answers they get don't make sense. Your advice is divorce them or believe them - don't do anything to confirm or allieve your concerns, just live with them until something happens. Needless to say, I think this is bad advice.

To the OP, I think verifying, especially in view of your past experience, is a smart move. No one gets full trust right away. Even when you first met your spouse, you took some amount of time before you trusted them. In light of what happened previously, some investigation is perfectly reasonable so that you are prepared before you start the conversation.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

A bit much : please start your own thread , your hijacking another posters thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

My apologies to the forum and this thread for going OT.


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## RadicallyAccepting (Oct 19, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> Ask for Polygraph. Even if she refuses, you will learn alot from her reaction.


You seem obsessed by polygraphs.

You know they are expensive and unreliable, right?


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

RadicallyAccepting said:


> You seem obsessed by polygraphs.
> 
> You know they are expensive and unreliable, right?


No, I am not obsessed. But, I do believe it is very under-utilized in dealing with A. 

It's unbelievable many people choose to go great length to uncover the deceit with all kinds of sneaky modern technologies. None of these technics are fix-it-all kind of absolute tool to reveal the truth. Each of these methods has its own limit. Poly is no different, and you are right that it is not 100% accurate. But, it is accurate enough to be widely used by private entities, and gov'ts and militaries, although it is not admissible in criminal court. 

It is a powerful tool ! It costs about $400-500 depending on the area and the examiner. Compared to lawyer costs, costs of D in general, paternity tests(may be a little lower, but still), and the costs of purchasing various electronic gadgets, this is not considered all that expensive either !

I am fully aware of its limitation, but what else in our life is ever 100% accurate? Maybe I should save this for a thread on its own, but I believe there is underlying fear in people's mind with respect to poly. It is essentially a machine in its very primitive stage to read into people's mind. And, it's an uncomfortable notion that there is this tool that does this with relatively high accuracy. It's an extremely invasive tool, and it does seem to make some people cringe at the idea. I understand this.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

discuss that here- http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/30485-lets-talk-about-polygraphs.html


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

NYC--talk to your wife. Tell her you notice she's being weird/secretive. And you need to discuss her past affair cause it sounds like you never dealt with it. Rug-sweeping won't solve anything. Ever.

I don't agree that "verification is for cowards." No way. 

And I also don't believe that people always know when a spouse is cheating. 
Personally, I was completely f-cking blind-sided. Had he not told me directly, I would have never known.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> NYC--talk to your wife. Tell her you notice she's being weird/secretive. And you need to discuss her past affair cause it sounds like you never dealt with it. Rug-sweeping won't solve anything. Ever.
> 
> I don't agree that "verification is for cowards." No way.
> 
> ...


I can respect your viewpoint without agreeing. I find it to be too much work is all. I know that's not the most popular view, but for me it is what it is. If I have to do all of that to keep you and keep a sound mind, I don't really need you.

I'm sorry you were blindsided by your husbands affair. Really I am. In my experiences with friends and family that have been through it (myself included), there were signs. There are always exceptions though.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Why didn't you talk to her about what you found back then?
> 
> What's going on with you right now that has you thinking about this? If she's not acting weird or secretive, then what's going on with you?
> 
> *IMO, if you don't address a perceived problem within a 24 hour period then it's not worth addressing and you should let it go. * Your wife will likely see this line of questioning as you coming out of left field, and she'll want to know why you're bringing it up NOW versus 10 years ago.


UFB. No, an affair never addressed is a cancer for your marriage no matter how long. 

24 hour rule LOL!!! That said indeed one should either confront right away OR gather information and then confront. But the statute of limitationnon an affair if such a thing existed would be a tad more than 24 hours. The longer it is not dealt with however the worse it is and becomes rug sweeping. I think your point is that a person should address serious problems with urgency. Waiting ten years is ... less than optimal. BUT should be addressed none-the-less.

She will want to know why you waited. Not discussing basically gave her the green light to have an open marriage.

A spouse who cheats and gets away with it usually loses even more respect for thier spouse than theyu had when they were having the affair.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

It's too bad this thread got hijacked by the spy vs. not-spy contingents. Finally someone starts a thread discussing my exact problem and the main point goes AWOL (what does OT mean anyhow?).

OP. Why didn't you discuss it 10 years ago? Did you have concrete evidence of a physical affair? I can't imagine you would just let that go if that were the case. Did she just put herself in a situation that you think inappropriate contact was taking place, but don't have concrete proof?

Depending on what happened, your wife has moved on. She went from not talking about it to not thinking about it to it not mattering any more. She thinks it's done. And again, depending on the circumstances, she thinks she got away with it and/or is embarrassed by it. 

Bringing it up later will blindside her. Be very careful how you do it. I started with accusations. BIG MISTAKE! I should have started by letting her know it is MY problem that I can't get over it. Instead of dealing with it when I should have, I let it fester and get to this point. I'm sorry, but I now need closure. Please help me heal. 

That is the exact point that the conversation will go off-script for you: as soon as she starts moving her lips. It will NOT go as you planned. Be prepared to alter your approach IMMEDIATELY. And I'll say it again: I can GUARANTEE she'll say she doesn't remember or have any idea what you are talking about. 

Your wife and yourself are not in the same place you were 10 years ago. She's different. YOU'RE different. The marriage dynamics are different. Do not, like I did, confuse those normal transitions with it having ANYTHING to do with this problem. Keep it separate. 

As for me, I had this conversation with my wife over 2 years ago. I did the OPPOSITE of what I'm explaining to you. Our marriage was bad 2 years ago and is no better now. Be strong. Don't let her know it's killing you like it is. You just need closure. You're not accusing, you just need her to help you.

One thing I can't help you with is IF she fesses up to whatever went on 10 years ago (even though I'll bet you $100 she doesn't) is how you are going to deal with it once you know for sure and it is out there between you. Are you going to be OK with it? Are you going to love her less? That's another thing I didn't do is think through what would happen if she did fess up.

I hope you come back. Ignore the hijackers and let's get this thread back on track. I know what you're going through. I'm living it. You will not be able to get back on track with committing with your wife for the rest of your life until you address this. But PLEASE be careful. Think it through. Talk to a friend first maybe. Someone that knows both of you.

Good luck.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

NYC said:


> I am not sure with me. I feel something is wrong. I have tons of anxiety about "us" for no apparent reason.


I think that I would approach this with your wife, not the affair directly. Perhaps discussing the marriage in general, not that you have any particular suspicions or anxiety. More of the angle that you feel the marriage has deteriorated and you want to intervene to improve it.

If you are suspecting an affair, I suggest electronic surveillance. VAR, computer keylogger, cell phone text message grabber, etc.

It is generally counterproductive to mention a suspected affair unless you have direct evidence. Even red flags are generally not good enough. I approached my wife with some strong red flags and she brushed them off with plausible explanations, yet doubts remain.


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