# lost



## feetback245 (May 25, 2013)

Hello,
I am desperate in my marriage. Either to get to a point of making progress, or to take a step towards separation.

We've been married almost 5 years and have 2 young kids.

We've been fighting for a long time, on and off and I can't stand it.
I have tried to "start over' so to speak. In the past, I have been very critical of him. And he never let those things go, no matter what I have done since. We go through cycles of me getting angry over his being distant and cold and me trying to reach him. He doesn't pursue me- for as long as I can remember.

He doesn't have local friends or other interests besides work. 

We fight about lots of things- but often our family situations come up.

He provides well financially. I work part time right now.

He will do things in regards to the kids if I ask. But he has a block in relation to the kids. He is not very helpful and he finds them to be burdensome. He will still help but he mentions how they take up all his free time and complains about how difficult they are. I do the bulk of the childcare.

He strongly dislikes my family. I have had issues with his family but I still interact with them on a regular basis and help them when I can. He avoids my family and only is asked to see them once every few months.

He has a lot of difficulty saying anything nice about me, intitiating sex, touching me, or saying I love you without me having to ask. 
We don't enjoy each other anymore. we fight so that we are always trying to stabilize. I am losing a sense of hope about the relationship.
I don't really want to get a divorce. I just feel lost and I get more angry and upset as time passes. I am seeing a therapist. He refuses any therapy. saying that it didn't work in the past so he doesn't want to try again. I've talked to him about everything, he tunes me out.




He is depressed. Doesn't enjoy much except work. I have encouraged him to do something about it. He has done very little. I am tired and he knows this.
I love him. And I feel like the one doing the pursuing. I don't know what to do know.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Please edit your post and put some white space after each paragraph. It's hard for most people to read a wall of text.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You might get some help from the book "Divorce Busting". Pay special attention to the chapter on doing a 180. (it's not the 180 link in my signature block below.

It takes 2 to fight/argue. Perhaps you could start by not engaging in arguments. Could you describe who a typical argument starts between the two of you? Do you feel that he's attacking you and your are only defending yourself? Or is it the other way around?


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## feetback245 (May 25, 2013)

He is more passive than me. I usually try to deal with problems. And I am more critical. So I tend to instigate. He tends to ignore and avoid. He tunes me out and I get more angry. I will read over the 180. Can you tell me why you think it would be agood idea in this situation?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Well, get a divorce.

Reasons why.

1. You will find out if he is going to stay or not.

2. If he wants to be with you, he will work on his issues.

3. You will have a goal in mind, and no longer be indecisive.

Honestly, this is the way things tend to work out.

People don't change until something snaps them out of it.

You will find out if he wants to stay married or not.

If he does, don't cancel the divorce, and check out his progress.

People will only change for a short time and revert.

Keep the pressure on.

Also, work on you and your issues still.

Maybe he is not the relationship, family type.

A good father would be happy to be involve in his children lives, and become a role model.

You want to be involve in their development.

He may have a skewed view on his duties,

Just work and bring money, and his responsibility is over.

He should work on his relationship with you, and the children.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

feetback245 said:


> He is more passive than me. I usually try to deal with problems. And I am more critical. So I tend to instigate. He tends to ignore and avoid. He tunes me out and I get more angry. I will read over the 180. Can you tell me why you think it would be agood idea in this situation?


The 180 means to change things that you do. Obviously something needs to change in your relationship. While we cannot make another person change, we can change a relationship by changing how we do things.

Right now the two of you are caught in a cycle. You start an angry outburst so he withdraws. When he withdraws you get angry. And round and round you two go. You want his attention, so the only way you can do it is not instigate. Note that you say that you try to deal with problems, while he is more passive. How is instigating an angry outburst dealing with a problem? It’s causing more problems.

So one thing you can do in your 180 is to just stop the angry cycle. You can just get off that merry-go-round. Behave completely differently from the way he (and you) would expect you to behave. When you are angry and ready to instigate, do something to calm yourself down. Go for a walk, or a drive, or to go a quiet room and listen to music. Or get write about what you are angry about. 

I often do the writing thing. I’ll get on the computer and just do a dump of all the nonsense and anger in my head. By the time I’m done writing the anger is gone. I often realize that I’m part of the problem and have a solution that will work. I also delete my rants because by the time I’m done I realize that I sound like a whiny nut case.

The book “Divorce Busters” goes into all this in more detail. It has some suggestions that I think will help you figure out things you can do that will get his attention in positive ways and get him back into the relationship with you.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

i can relate to a lot of what you wrote regarding your situation. My husband similarly did not enjoy anything outside of work, and refused to do anything about it for nearly 2 years. He didn't see it as a problem or even that that was the case, he blamed a lot of it on me unfairly. Of course I could see that even if it did not involve me and it was anything that was not his work he still was not enjoying and engaging in life. As I said, it took a long time for him to realize I do not cause all his problems... first step was starting marriage counseling because our relationship was struggling GREATLY due to this and all of the things that came with it. He agreed to it, and began to see through the counselor that the things I was perceiving of him were in fact true. Also, I opened up communication with a family friend of his that I knew he respected and would call him out. Basically, getting other people to tell him that he has a problem, not just me. He is now getting help and accepting that only enjoying work and nothing else is not normal. I'm slowly seeing the changes, I just wish it didn't take this long. But it is what it is! Is there anyone that could talk some sense into him, a good role model of a friend that he trusts? Or would he accept going to marriage counseling for your relationship alone (not saying to him "so we can fix YOU" but rather so we can fix US")? It could be the start for him to start figuring out his own problems whilst also working on your relationship.


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## feetback245 (May 25, 2013)

Adeline said:


> i can relate to a lot of what you wrote regarding your situation. My husband similarly did not enjoy anything outside of work, and refused to do anything about it for nearly 2 years. He didn't see it as a problem or even that that was the case, he blamed a lot of it on me unfairly. Of course I could see that even if it did not involve me and it was anything that was not his work he still was not enjoying and engaging in life. As I said, it took a long time for him to realize I do not cause all his problems... first step was starting marriage counseling because our relationship was struggling GREATLY due to this and all of the things that came with it. He agreed to it, and began to see through the counselor that the things I was perceiving of him were in fact true. Also, I opened up communication with a family friend of his that I knew he respected and would call him out. Basically, getting other people to tell him that he has a problem, not just me. He is now getting help and accepting that only enjoying work and nothing else is not normal. I'm slowly seeing the changes, I just wish it didn't take this long. But it is what it is! Is there anyone that could talk some sense into him, a good role model of a friend that he trusts? Or would he accept going to marriage counseling for your relationship alone (not saying to him "so we can fix YOU" but rather so we can fix US")? It could be the start for him to start figuring out his own problems whilst also working on your relationship.


He talks to no one about his problems. I have told him countless times to talk to a friend or someone. He refuses. I can't change that. I have tried to be the one to listen to him- but he doesn't share a lot with me even.


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## feetback245 (May 25, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Well, get a divorce.
> 
> Reasons why.
> 
> ...


I am moving in the direction of separation and then divorce if nothing changes.


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