# Info needed on BPD and OCD dealing with Affair



## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Ok so its been brought to my attention that my husband, BPD is a big factor in his denial of his affair. You can read the story in the post of mine.. What info or good internet sights is there that I can go to to read up on this. Also.. OCD.. Please read my post about this.. Im confused now, and I am unsure of what to do. The information about his disorders is opening a whole new can of worms for me.... one suggest to run from this. Like I said obviously he had the disorder or whole marriage and just now putting a name to it and receiving help. Now Im asking for help on how to cope, or info to understanding all this. Is there only one option here, to run from him bc his disorders? Please read my posts about his denial and now that some other very helpful people just informed me about BPD and denial, I just really need info and advice on this... Thanks to all you that have been willing to help and give advice.. Thank you all very much. I dont feel so alone on this anymore.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wait...was he formally diagnosed with BPD or you just read something somewhere? Whether he has that disorder or not...cheaters will deny their affairs when they don't want said affairs to end. And if that's the case you have two options: either tolerate his cheating or remove yourself as an option. If u stay n let him walk all over you...he WILL keep cake eating...being spoonfed by you personally because u will make it clear there are no consequences for his actions.


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## RadicallyAccepting (Oct 19, 2011)

When I went to my therapist, it turns out her specialty is Dialectical Behavior Therapy - DBT. It fits with me because it's essentially Cognitive therapy with the addition of mindfulness and radical acceptance, comcepts from Buddhism and Taoism which I'm very interested in. While I'm not BPD, DBT was developed specifically for BPD treatment.

I'm ADD - it's my wife who's OCD. Nice combo, that.

Anyway, see DBT Self Help for a lot of information on the treatment of BPD.


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## DesperateHouseWife (Oct 24, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Wait...was he formally diagnosed with BPD or you just read something somewhere? Whether he has that disorder or not...cheaters will deny their affairs when they don't want said affairs to end. And if that's the case you have two options: either tolerate his cheating or remove yourself as an option. If u stay n let him walk all over you...he WILL keep cake eating...being spoonfed by you personally because u will make it clear there are no consequences for his actions.


No matter what conditions or disabilities a person have it doesn't mean they have the right to cheat. So either MC or remove your self if he doesn't stop.


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## RadicallyAccepting (Oct 19, 2011)

DH is correct - BPD isn't an excuse to cheat. But it sure makes it easier to maintain denial. BPD can be marked by an ability to believe the lies your telling - the classic is the BPD sufferer who tells all their friends she's dying of cancer. I've had that happen with 2 different people I know. They actually believe it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DesperateHouseWife said:


> No matter what conditions or disabilities a person have it doesn't mean they have the right to cheat. So either MC or remove your self if he doesn't stop.


Exactly. Its not an excuse. Its an intentional choice he is making. Trying to pi his cheating onto a disorder just enables the affair and tries to deflect away from his responsibility and choice to cheat and keep cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

I am not saying his affair was caused by his BPD, I am saying his denial about the affair has recently been told to me by another poster that is related to BPD.. Thats what I want info on. His denial about the whole thing is beyond absurd. And I want to know how to deal with this issue. There is no decsion that can be made either way until the whole denial is put into perpective. And he was recently about 6 months ago diagnosed with BPD, after his affair had already been ongoing.. for a while. and been put on meds now for about 3 months still trying to get the right combo, And he was told he needs to go to a phycologist wich he is going to. He decided to go see a therpist on his own bc he just basically told me somthing wasnt right with him. And his diagnoses turned out to be BPD and OCD. I trying to deal with his infidelity, I have no idea what I for sure want because of his deep denial. to me if you feel you done no wrong than you have no reason to not repeat the action. And this is why I was so concerned about his denial. Now his BPD may be the contribiting factor. I would like info about this and maybe there could eventually be some progress made..


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I am a BPD'er with moderate OCD. Medication can help with his mood swings but, will NOT help with his BPD entirely. He needs therapy. Even if he does get therapy, it may not help.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why do u care if he is in denial? U know the truth yourself. I would consider it a slap in the face and an insult for me to find my husband in bed with a nother woman (and other places together) and him keep saying its not true what I saw. Wtf? That is crazy. You can't "make progress" unless he wants to with u. He's shown u over n over again he thinks ur a fool who will belieeve anything he tells u...whoo will stay no matter what he does...who will continue being walked all over and mistreated... he can keep doing whatever he wants because uthere are no consequences for his actions. Even now ur still making excuses for him and trying to find the answer . U are in denial.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Wow,,, i am going to say this one more time again again again.... I am not dening anything.. I know what i seen, what i read, found..... Hold on i am going to copy paste.

I saw them in a bed dang i know trust me thats why i posted it.. I am not denying his affair i am trying to..uhgg never mind im tired of defending myself for asking for help.. I will copy and paste my previouse post to you.. Why is it that anyone is trying to figure out what is goin on they are the ones in denial.. Dang i know what i seen, read, found heard... Lord i am not trying to say they were just freinds i know he had an affair.. But let jump on the bashing band wagon already geezzzzzz.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

I am going to repeat this one more time... I AM NOT DENYING ANYTHING.... I AM NOT DENYING HIS AFFAIR.. I AM NOT DENYING I SEEN WHAT I HAVE SEEN.. I am trying to figure out why he is in such deep denial. He knows I refuses to say or except they were just freinds. I will never say those words because its a load of crap. But what is preventing us from making any proggresse is his denial. Idk know if it is from his BPD or if he doesnt want to feel like and a** or less than the guy I feel in love with or he just doesnt want to admit he was wrong.. I have no idea what it is.. But I know that is what is keeping me held back.... I discuss it I am in councling and she has tried to say that he denies it because he doesnt want to feel any pain or guilt for what he did, so to him it is real that he did no wrong that they were just freinds. I dont beleive that one either........ I am stuck in limbo here.. which way to I go.. can we go back to before pre affair.. heck no.. its happened.. does he want it to be same pre affair,, heck yes.. is it possible heck no.. Not from my stand point. But how do you know really wich way to go?


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

There is my other post, it seems i am constantly replying to being accussed of being in denial than anything else, if i was in denial i would be in blissful happiness right married and excepting.. No that not the case.. Now, not trying to reseach to find out what the heck is goin on in his loopy little head.....


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## ariadne (Oct 27, 2011)

First off, "bi polar" and ocd are neurological symptoms of temporal limbic system dysfunction. Secondly, the affair was not caused by these symptoms, but his denial of it IS a huge sign of neurological dysfunction. You will have to decide whether you want to stay and help your husband through getting him to treatment (which sounds like it will be rough) and then helping him maintain a medication regiment. Good luck to you. Not an easy road either way. 

I can provide you will more information on this if you want, my email address is [email protected]


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## RadicallyAccepting (Oct 19, 2011)

ariadne said:


> First off, "bi polar" and ocd are neurological symptoms of temporal limbic system dysfunction.


Borderline Personality Disorder isn't Bi-Polar Mood disorder (Known popularly as Manic Depression).

Borderline personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

"The disorder typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; black and white thinking, or splitting; the disorder often manifests itself in idealization and devaluation episodes, as well as chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self. In extreme cases, this disturbance in the sense of self can lead to periods of dissociation."

Bipolar disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

"Bipolar disorder or bipolar affective disorder, historically known as manic–depressive disorder, is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated energy levels, cognition, and mood with or without one or more depressive episodes"


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## ariadne (Oct 27, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> BPD is not the same thing as bipolar.


"BPD" = Bi polar "disorder" ?


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## ariadne (Oct 27, 2011)

it was only identified as BPD which i thought meant bi-polar. Which ever one it is, however are still symptoms of Temporal Lobe Dysfunction.


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## RadicallyAccepting (Oct 19, 2011)

There's no research that shows that Borderline Personality Disorder is the result of any kind of physical dysfunction.

Schizophrenia and Mood disorders (Mania and Depression) are classified as psychosis. Almost everything else is classified as a neurosis, which are not thought to be the result of a physical or neurological malfunction, but as a defense reaction against some kind of event or thought.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

ariadne said:


> "BPD" = Bi polar "disorder" ?


nope


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Thanks to all for the info


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

What is you guys opnion about his ocd... Him stating that he could not have sex with her bc his ocd... He cant touch anything.... He sanatizes so much its unreal. And he wont even shake peoples hand.... I myself is used to him being like this... After being with someone so long there behavior patterns becomes a norm to you.. You dont even relize they are doing it anymore.. But others notice.. Somtimes people bring to his or my attention that his doing it.. Other than that i dont really pay attention to it... Until latley i been watching him to see just how bad it really is now..... Well it seems pretty bad.. Like going in public the first thing he takes with him his hand sanitzer and kleenex, gosh forbide if he had to grab a door know without both.. No pushing carts nope he will go to all cost to avoid them... And if anyone goes near his drink or food well just might as well go throw it away,,,, but if someone goes to shake his hand, he looks right at them and says i dont shake hands my apology but its really nice to meet you,, his hands go directly into his pockets...... After we been in public he gets in the care and sanatizes like there is a nasty germ attached to him......we dont kiss, just a quick peek, bc of his ocd thing but that doesnt bother me im used to it.. He will hug me, but others no way... So he has tried to tell me that there is no way he could sleep with her bc he dont even like to shake hands, he just couldnt touch her it nasty.. His words not mine...... So i just said well did you saran wrap her first and lysol her open leg postion first???? He just looks at me with this hurt look, like i am the one thats hurting him.... Well... It is more to it than freindship


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Where and what bed were they in when u found them together?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I find that whole OCD excuse to be absurd.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

One time a make shift bed in parents living room.. Mom was in the kitchen so dont think they was doing the deed then... Still wrong to be in that postion... Other times was in a trailer beside his parnets home... He tries to say that is why he had all his clothes on because he didnt want anything of her to touch him??????????? Strange i know.... Almost ludacrs.....


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> I find that whole OCD excuse to be absurd.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:



BUT I AM TRYING GIVE YALL ALL THE INFO, AND SEE WHAT YOU GUYS THINK ABOUT IT..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

U found them in bed together more than once?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

But me telling him,,, did he saran wrap her and lysol her open leg postion first,, was my way of telling him.. Were theres a will theres a way!!!!


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

2 times.. Both times clothes on.... Never caught them in the act.. But thats not to say that they could had been finished already...


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Both times we were seperated but that doesnt make it right either...heck it was at his parents home.. So they knew and they still try to talk all nicy nice to me.. No thank you..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'm sorry. His denial is utter bull.how'd he meet her
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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Lots of books on BPD. ANd, one good website is bpdfamily.com. Also, check out a website by Shari Schreiber called "gettingbetter.com". She has a ton on BPD.
For men, tow good sites: www.menwhoareabused and www.shrink4men. These sites are very good for men dealing with abusive, disordered women.
Many cheaters are disordered. When Ifound my XW was cheating, serially, boht my lawyer and my therapist,independently, suggested ilook intoBPD. Thier recommendations were not due to the affairs, but, rather, the pre-affair behavior I described to them. In looking back at it, I am amazed at what i tolerated in an effort to preserve the marriage.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Thanks arnold.. I will look into this sites.. Anything is helpful at this point.. Concidering how confused and undecided i am.. I have no idea what to do...


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Jellybeans.. He meet her at work


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Also, try Richard Skerrit's e-books, "Meaning from Madness" and "Tears and Healing". He is an engineer whose wife was NPD or BPD and he lays out things in an easily understandable, layperson's language. He is really good.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

I am supposing I can pick this books up at my local library or do I go to a book store?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well the library i s free so id start there. U may wanna check out Love must be tough by James DOBSON AND not just friends
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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Those are excellent books, jelly. But, on the BPD deal, the others are specific.
Skerritt's books are online and relatively cheap.

Try "Stop Walking on Eggshells', by Randi Krueger, as well. It is a little dated and slanted a bit toward tolerating the BD, but it is informative. Shreiber's website has a ton of good articles.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

I have this book i picked up...After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Springs, PH.D.. with Michael Spring.. but honestly for me and my situation I havnt found it very helpful yet..


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

So I need the books related to his disorders specifaclly and the affair part. and maybe I can come to some sort of idea what the heck all this is about....


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Spring's book was good, IMO. But, again, it does not address the personality diordered.
Just google borderline personality disorder nd infidelity. You will see all types of articles and websites.
Welcome to the world of obsessive researching. Folks dealing with these types are really anxious to try to wrap their brains around what they have been dealing with.They mess with your mind, big time.


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## ariadne (Oct 27, 2011)

RadicallyAccepting said:


> There's no research that shows that Borderline Personality Disorder is the result of any kind of physical dysfunction.
> 
> Schizophrenia and Mood disorders (Mania and Depression) are classified as psychosis. Almost everything else is classified as a neurosis, which are not thought to be the result of a physical or neurological malfunction, but as a defense reaction against some kind of event or thought.


Actually, there is plenty of information showing that "schizophrenia" and "mood disorders" are Epilepsy. In fact the "Mood stabilizers" that are being given to patients who displays these so called "psychiatric" Symptoms are actually Anti Epileptics. Having been falsely diagnosed my whole life with the gamut of "psychiatric ailments" I am glad to finally understand that my symptoms have an organic cause. Amen! 

Here are some medical articles and diagnostic tools that I have scanned into photo albums. 

TLE CHECKLIST | Facebook

Epilepsy and Psychosis | Facebook

FALSE PSYCHIATRIC DIAGNOSES | Facebook


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Actually, all this is confusing me! Sorry but all this info about what is what and how one may or may not be associated with the other is getting a bit overwhelming :scratchhead:

But then again I am bit emotional right now.. its like talking to a brick wall when trying to talk to him..........


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Just googlle borderline personality disorder and start by reading the definition and dianostic criteria. It is one of the cluster B disorders, which included narcissisitic personality disorder, histrionic and antisocial. There is a lot of straightforward info on the net and many sites dealing with BPD.

Bottm line, a true BPD is very tough to live with and may cause severe trauma.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

yes I got that from the other posters... Thanks for all you guys help


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> yes I got that from the other posters... Thanks for all you guys help


Talking about the BPD.. is not the same as Bipolor


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Well he got his first appointment schedul with what will be his long term phsycologist.. He was diagnosed thru a therepist and there phycologist.. Now they refered him to another phs so he can receive long term care wich is good.... and I can ask them about any suppor groups or educational information they can give me...I want to know more about this bc obviously I didnt know much about it at all.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

ariadne said:


> Actually, there is plenty of information showing that "schizophrenia" and "mood disorders" are Epilepsy. In fact the "Mood stabilizers" that are being given to patients who displays these so called "psychiatric" Symptoms are actually Anti Epileptics. Having been falsely diagnosed my whole life with the gamut of "psychiatric ailments" I am glad to finally understand that my symptoms have an organic cause. Amen!
> 
> Here are some medical articles and diagnostic tools that I have scanned into photo albums.
> 
> ...



Just because a drug is used for seizures does not mean that is it's only use.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ariadne (Oct 27, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> I've only had a very quick look and haven't read the articles but from that quick look they seem to be about epilepsy causing hallucinations (which I'm thinking you are presenting as a differential diagnosis for psychosis?) and mood disorders, not personality disorders (such as BPD). Co-morbidity might exist but BPD and bipolar are distinct conditions with their own diagnostic criteria.




The best way to understand it is the review the checklist of symptoms. I am absolutely saying that these so-called "psychiatric" symptoms make up the diagnosis of TLE. There is also "denial", "inability to tell right from wrong" which would appear to be related to "having an affair and denying it". I have TLE and it was misdiagnosed for 35 years.


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## ariadne (Oct 27, 2011)

The sad thing is that this should be the standard, yet very few doctors know about it. The tests for TLE (aside from the checklist I posted) are the brain scans SPECT and PET scan. These show the best results. Yet few docs know what they are! I will always continue to speak out about it to bring awareness. The "personality changes" you refer to ARE simple partial seizures (meaning the patient does not lose consciousness) and they most often occur after even minor head injury.


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## ariadne (Oct 27, 2011)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> Well he got his first appointment schedul with what will be his long term phsycologist.. He was diagnosed thru a therepist and there phycologist.. Now they refered him to another phs so he can receive long term care wich is good.... and I can ask them about any suppor groups or educational information they can give me...I want to know more about this bc obviously I didnt know much about it at all.


The specific Neurological testing is the SPECT or PET scan. A Psych. or Neurologist can write a Rx for it.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

What do you mean Neuroligst can write and RX...


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Saying that a neurologist can write a "prescription" for the scans.
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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

O got ya... I am assuming his doctors will do what they need to do for him. including any scans or if his phycologist refers him to a nero... But I myself would like to learn about this, so I know what it is and how to cope with it myself.. But thank you for the information.


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## ariadne (Oct 27, 2011)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> O got ya... I am assuming his doctors will do what they need to do for him. including any scans or if his phycologist refers him to a nero... But I myself would like to learn about this, so I know what it is and how to cope with it myself.. But thank you for the information.


If you want information about the types of Scans, i can post them for you. Most psychiatrists dont know about Neurological scans, you might not want to assume they will request them. The best thing you can do for your husband to make sure he gets the help he needs is to make certain the doctors have a diagnosis before treatment.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

You can read Stop Walking on Eggshells and a book called I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. Both deal with BPD.
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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Yes ariadian please post the info about the scans


and pidge.. I actually was looking for the book Eggshells today didnt locate it but I beleive you are somone posted about the book. And now I will look for the other aswell.. Do you know who the authors are?


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## ariadne (Oct 27, 2011)

Here is an article "Why don't Psychiatrists look at the Brain?" The Amen Clinics


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