# What do I do? Am I unreasonable?



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Married a virgin, so I thought. After 1st year, had big fight over lack of sex & found out wife had been sexually abused by high school boyfriend. While she was crying & telling me about what happened, she said he forced her to let him go down on her. She looked at me & asked if that was something I wanted to do. I made a huge mistake & said no. It was something I had tried/wanted to do with her since we got married, but she always had a reason for me not to. She also had other dislikes from the relationship. I asked, (should have demanded), that she talk to someone. She refused. 7 years later after two kids, she told me she wanted a divorce because I was always crabby. (Due to our relationship & also life in general) I went to MC at her request & put on my happy face as dads hardly ever get custody where I live. Another 15 years go by, and I could not help it, I told her I really wanted to go down on her. She got mad & referenced old bf, after 25 + years of marriage. I demanded she see a counselor to at least feel better about herself. She refused until I threatened divorce. I didn't demand the act, just MC. I still don't understand why she resisted MC so strongly. Now, she tells me I am talking to her about our relationship too much. After MC, she has allowed PIV once a week. Before, it would be weeks/months. I have read NMMNG, MMSLP & the 5 love languages. Lost 33 #'s and hit the gym 3/week. Even thou it's a messed up deal, I care deeply for her. Any insights?


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Has she told the counselor about her being sexually abused before?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

When I brought it up the first time we were at MC, years ago, the counselor said "we are here to discuss you, not her past" WTF! I felt like I could not push issue as she threatened to leave with the kids. 

When we started the current round of MC, she actually went to 2 IC before I went and did not mention it. THAT's when I threatened the D.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Your last counselor was wrong to not want to speak about it.

Have your WIFE tell your current counselor right away about this happening to her in the past. There is no doubt that this is a large chunk of your problems. It is obvious that she never got correct therapy and healing from it since she is still bring it up. She NEEDS therapy to get through it! Like, I would say that 50 times if I could to you. That is an extremely traumatic event and it is deeply affecting her to this day. It will only get worse if she does not get it healed right away. It is very important that she brings it up to the counselor. If she does not, then you need to. Like, stress to the counselor how much this has affected your relationship.

Kudos to you for pursuing marriage counseling when your problems have gotten out of control. With the right counselor, you can really work our your problems.

Also, as far as books--I recommend His Needs, Her Needs and Love & Respect. Your counselor may also recommend other books as he'she sees fit.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I agree with ariel. Your wife needs to talk about the past boyfriend. That part of her life IS affecting your life together and needs to be discussed. Her past experience is keeping her from trusting that you won't do the same, even after 25 years together.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

I fully agree she needs to keep going to MC. She has stopped because the counselor has said some things she didn't agree with. She attempted to minimize the last fight about sex, and I did point out that she must still feel strongly about it since she is still talking about it. I also have other issues with her. I felt she was viewing me in the same light, so I asked her one night, "when u look at me, what do you see?" Her answer was a good father and provider. I asked, do you see a lover? She said No. God, what a kick in the gut. I don't know that MMSLP will work correctly in this situation. Sad part is, in the past she has said she feels "Safe" with me. I've learned a lot from this forum. I was a nice guy, to my detriment. I told her I am dealing with resentment because I thought we would be able to explore our sex life together. I didn't think I would be told within a year of being married, that she was forced to do a lot of the things I wanted to do, and had no interest in ever doing them again.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Married 25 years. You're in your mid forties? Read neuklas. Read BostonBruinsfan, read Racer. Read trickster. Read Gettingit.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I was attracted to my husband because I knew he was safe. I knew he would never intentionally hurt me. I loved feeling safe. I needed that more than I needed anything else, for a very long time. But as I grew as a person, because he provided the safety I needed I eventually developed other needs too. That's when I came to terms with the crux of my issues and how they were warping my life.

Pretending things are okay, or tolerable, when they're not is the mistake my husband made. He made it with good intentions so I can't fault him for it. But as the years went on and his unhappiness continued, he simply shut down, put his head down and kept on. Kept working, kept providing, kept being the Dad, tolerating the lack of sex and lack of attention. 

We grew so very distant from each other. I'd like to say we were both miserable but he maintains he was okay. I was miserable though!

It was like I had pushed him away and he contentedly drifted where ever the current took him and the further away he drifted the more alone I felt.

Not sure if this will help you. I guess I wrote it to underscore the point pretending to be okay when you're not is shooting yourself in the foot ...sometimes. But at other times pretending to be okay shows strength and creates a sense of safety. Knowing when to do which is the tricky part.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I would guess her reluctance to talk about her past is because it's undoubtedly painful to do so. In the short term it's easier to just not think about it. As we all realize though this is not a long term solution. 

The other issue is simply talking to a professional about it will not 'cure' her. I'm no expert but I believe you learn coping mechanisms...you don't just 'get over it.' 

This whole process is terribly difficult for all involved.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

It is my non professional opinion that you will NEVER be able to resolve the intimacy issues in your marriage until she heals from the trauma of the sexual assault. 

I think she could benefit from individual counseling for her past. It does not matter that it was years ago. She can still seek help for this. 

She can overcome being fearful of that sex act. But she has to do the hard work to get there. I speak from personal experience. I was sexually assaulted by a group of men when I was younger and have no fears of sex acts or any flashbacks today. The only thing I still deal with is I have an exaggerated startle reflex. If you sneak up on me you are likely to get punched. 

In the meantime, don't pressure her for sex. Pressure her for counseling.

Good luck.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Pretending things are okay, or tolerable, when they're not is the mistake my husband made.


I think this is extremely important. It's exactly what the OP had repeatedly done, and is basically the source of all his problems.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My issue (with regards to you being unreasonable) is that you condoned and accepted her past and limitations for 25 years, and NOW you want her to rip herself apart and try to deal with her past demons. If you wanted that to happen, that time was when she asked you if you had a problem with her limitations. 

Now... Perhaps you should try some IC yourself to try to deal with your feelings and how you're processing things in your life. You can't force her to change. Even if you blackmail her into MC, and even if she gives you duty sex more often, you can't force her to be healed. So deal with what you can control. Yourself. 

C


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

The entire issue is with HER. Not him. Telling the spouse it is his mistake/fault for pretending things are OK is far fetched, considering he is the husband, not a professional counselor. They were also both young back then. 

The only thing that matters now is she get help. If she refuses, and it is a deal breaker for him then he can choose to leave. All he can do is support and encourage her. She has to make the change to be healed from this trauma. There is nothing he can directly do to change that. This is all on her.

She also should have told him about the past before they married. That was not fair to him. But I also understand why she didn't. It's a touch situation that no one should have to be in, but many are.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

you have two problems here. She has the past sexual abuse. AND she does not like oral sex too. A lot of women do not! I know, its hard to believe, but they feel they are not clean...feel embarrassed that her man would smell or taste her and it not be clean enough. 

the later....you can convince her that you LOVE the taste, and want it so bad. Truly love it.

The sexual abuse thing....maybe that is a big issue, maybe that is her excuse. Try talking it out AFTER you make it clear how much you want to taste her. If it goes nowhere, then yes a IC with sexual disfunction experience would be good.

and RE the sexual abuse...is that all the ex bf did, go down on her? seems to be something a woman would get over eventually, maybe even enjoy? is she super religious or something?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

There was a lot of abuse, most of which I would never think of doing to her. She was also verbally abused quite a bit. So much so, when I tell her how I feel about her, how much I love the scent of her body, her curves, taste, etc, she does not accept it. Anon Pink worded it well. I have been attempting to walk the tightrope between being too safe & gently pushing the boundaries. I guess I pushed too hard as we are both hitting 50 & I want to enjoy the years we have left together. I realize she won't be cured, but I wish she could get some enjoyment out of our time together.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Frazzled....your wife has got to WANT to repair herself and your marriage. The first part of 'recovery' is to admit to yourself that you have a problem and WANT to rectify it.

Going to MC is not supposed to be easy....it can be painful because a good MC will dig up the past and help you confront and deal with it.

My wife and I went to MC for some time....when the MC started to discuss my wifes lack of interest in sex and how important it is in a marriage she simply stopped going.
My wife thinks duty vanilla sex with me maybe every two months is perfectly acceptable...what I may want or need is irrelevent.

Because of this *I* have now lost all interest in her. She has killed not just my sexual desire but also any other non sexual interest I had in her. I am now biding my time till our children are old enough to leave home...I will be right behind them.

All this has been caused by my wifes refusal to to open up and talk to the counsellor. 

So please....its important that if your wife really wants to deal with her past abuse and save her marriage, she has GOT to open up to your MC.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

:iagree:

THIS exactly! There is really no other way....



askari said:


> Frazzled....your wife has got to WANT to repair herself and your marriage. The first part of 'recovery' is to admit to yourself that you have a problem and WANT to rectify it.
> 
> Going to MC is not supposed to be easy....it can be painful because a good MC will dig up the past and help you confront and deal with it.
> 
> ...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Put two pieces of paper in front of her.

The first piece of paper is the name of an IC that specializes in sex abuse cases and for her to face up to the fact that she deceived you into marriage, and every day since... and that you're willing to walk this journey with her despite this if she faces it.

The other piece of paper is a separation agreement.

She deceived you into this marriage, and every day since. Her reason for doing so is understandable, but still deceitful.

You shouldn't have to live a life without your desires being met because of what some other dude did to her, or because she lied to you about it.

It's not unreasonable.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

There should be a clause in divorce where if you have a history of sexual abuse and it causes multiple hangups, and you DONT DISCLOSE THESE BEFORE MARRIAGE, then the contract is null and void and you get NOTHING...

NEVER marry someone like this unless you want a vanilla sex life...

You put up with this for 25 years...how does 15 years just "go by"??
At this point, I dont really blame her I guess...its been 25 years and you put up with it and just *****ed and complained about it all that time, so she knows another 25 years are gonna just "go by" and she just wants to stop your complaining

marriage sucks...marriage to someone with tons of baggage sucks even more...


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

IMO this shouldn't be about pointing fingers to whose fault this is. You obviously are suffering with the lack of intimacy and closeness while you don't know how to help your wife to overcome this, while your wife is also suffering as she does not know how to overcome it yet does not have courage to do so. She is not at fault for being abused in the past while you are not at fault for not knowing how to help her.

This obviously takes both of you to overcome the issue. Even thought you think that you should have pushed the issue back then, you did right to not have insisted when she asked if that was what you wanted to do to her, as you cared for her feelings and then pushing like that would only have made her worse. She on the other hand needs to overcome this, she needs to decide for herself that she needs to get help for it in order to save the intimacy between you.

I agree with others that said that you must be honest to her with your needs too. While you have to be understanding, she has to understand your needs too and put efforts to get therapy for both her and your sake. As you sacrificed your own needs for her, she also has to put efforts for you or else it won't work.

Perhaps you guys can research and try to find out shrinks specialized in this? Maybe read some forum reviews or shared experiences here at TAM or somewhere else. Not every shrink is good at dealing with specific cases so it's better to get some opinion about some of them before going to another not so helpful shrink and waste time and money as well as hope.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Actually, I never brought up the topic as it was too painful to her. 15 years go by when you are spending as much time as possible with your kids, as they could be taken away in a divorce. I distracted myself by taking my kids fishing, hunting, snowmobiling & throwing a lot of batting practice. My wife would bring it up once in a while when something I would do would trigger her.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

I had asked her to talk to the local rape center, but she refused. I didn't know where else to start, so I started with MC, hoping the counselor could point us in the right direction.


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