# His ramped up criticisms are really bringing me down. How to deal?



## lari (Jun 30, 2018)

After 15 years, I'm the one asking for divorce. I don't want a divorce, but I can't repsect myself if I continue to stay. He's selfish, lazy, narcissistic, super critical of his family, he rarely apologizes and if he does it's not until months later when the immediacy of his actions have dissipated. He just can't ever admit hes wrong.,to the point of he disagrees. with an answer on our kids test and clearly the teacher is wrong. He's super resistant to any of my minor requests for help around the house even though I work more than him. We've both been faithful as far as I'm aware but his constant coments about how. He can't believe how I would do this to the family. And its all my fault because my expectations are too high. I'm having trouble maintaining perspective. He's always been a lazy dad. He loves his kids, but isn't real interactive with them. I thought hed be ok with a 60/40 custody split, but he says it has to be 50/50. I just don't get it. If you cared about them why wouldn't you have been active with them before? I can accept the 50/50, but deep down I only feel like he's pushing for that since he knows the kids are the most important thing to me. Like he's trying to get back at me for finally not taking it anymore. I could really stand too hear others experiences. I don't know many divorcees to reach out to and I'm feeling devastated about crushing my kids whole world and sense of security. Unfortunately I'll have to drive this whole boat and figure all of it out because his inaction wont allow him to move forward or make any decisions.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's hard but you will get through it.

Your children will be better off seeing their mother in a much healthier environment. And you will be able to be a better mother without the man you describe pulling you down.

Do you have an attorney? If not you need to get one. They can push for him having less than 50%. One thing I did was to ask for a custody evaluation. The judge had us each submit the names of 2 or 3 counselors who do custody evaluations and then the judge picked one of them. I was going to go along with 50/50. But the custody evaluators changed it to 70/30 (me w/70) because my son's father spent little to time with him, was not involved in his school and activities and their relationship was problematic. My ex had to attend counseling for 2 years before he was able to get more time. At that point it was changed to 60/40. 

The custody evaluators picked up on the issues that my ex had... his anger, his mental health issues, etc.

My son was 7 when we divorced. He's 29 now working on this Phd in physics. So i guess he's done ok even though we divorced. When he was in 10th grade he refused to stay at this father's house anymore because his father was just mean. Since then he's visited his father most weekends. They have arrived at a relationship that my son can deal with.


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## lari (Jun 30, 2018)

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I'm so glad it turned out so well for you and your son. You should be very proud. 
Anyone else have a similar experience they want to share or ones that didn't turn out as well.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Wish your husband was asking for advice. My mom broke up our family. She claimed it was for us but it was really for her. Took her 40 years to admit it. Told her a bit late to figure that out. 

Good luck.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Wish your husband was asking for advice. My mom broke up our family. She claimed it was for us but it was really for her. Took her 40 years to admit it. Told her a bit late to figure that out.
> 
> Good luck.


I'm not sure what your point is, but if the OP's description of her marriage is accurate, then it is most certainly the HUSBAND in this scenario who broke up the family by his lazy, self-centered death by a thousand cuts routine.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Wish your husband was asking for advice. My mom broke up our family. She claimed it was for us but it was really for her. Took her 40 years to admit it. Told her a bit late to figure that out.
> 
> Good luck.


It's not her husband asking for advice. This has nothing to do with your mother, but you are clearly projecting your personal hurts into the OP's situation.

This woman is not claiming it's for her children. She is fully admitting that she can no longer deal with a checked out husband. The OP is not your mother.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

lari said:


> After 15 years, I'm the one asking for divorce. I don't want a divorce, but I can't repsect myself if I continue to stay. He's selfish, lazy, narcissistic, super critical of his family, he rarely apologizes and if he does it's not until months later when the immediacy of his actions have dissipated. He just can't ever admit hes wrong.,to the point of he disagrees. with an answer on our kids test and clearly the teacher is wrong. He's super resistant to any of my minor requests for help around the house even though I work more than him. We've both been faithful as far as I'm aware but his constant coments about how. He can't believe how I would do this to the family. And its all my fault because my expectations are too high. I'm having trouble maintaining perspective. He's always been a lazy dad. He loves his kids, but isn't real interactive with them. I thought hed be ok with a 60/40 custody split, but he says it has to be 50/50. I just don't get it. If you cared about them why wouldn't you have been active with them before? I can accept the 50/50, but deep down I only feel like he's pushing for that since he knows the kids are the most important thing to me. Like he's trying to get back at me for finally not taking it anymore. I could really stand too hear others experiences. I don't know many divorcees to reach out to and I'm feeling devastated about crushing my kids whole world and sense of security. Unfortunately I'll have to drive this whole boat and figure all of it out because his inaction wont allow him to move forward or make any decisions.


I'm right there with you, only a little bit ahead of you. My almost ex-wife is a classic narcissist and she has always put her career in front of everything else, including our marriage and our son. She would be working late or out at work or networking events almost every night of the week, even the nights she was home she'd go straight up to bed after dinner. For years I dealt with this and listening to our son ask where mommy was. Then one or two weekends a month she'd plan these extravagant activity packed days for us (most of which neither myself or my son wanted to do) and it was like her way of making up for not being around. She'd get mad at me telling me that I never do anything with our son, meanwhile the things that I did with my son were the things that he wanted or asked to do opposed to the things that she practically forced us to do but didn't want to do. All of this led to our disconnect, an emotional affair that I had, and a few "inappropriate" relationships on her part and ultimately me catching her in an affair.

The morning after I found out about the affair I told her we were getting a divorce and I was just done with it all. She dragged out starting the process by again not being around or making herself available because of work. We are using a mediator so that it's a little easier, more cost effective then attorney's, and it doesn't put our son in the middle of it as much. With custody I told her from the beginning that it was going to be a 50/50 split, she didn't agree to that originally but has since agreed. Her biggest thing seems to be that since she makes more money then me, she knows that she's going to be the one paying me which is causing her to fight me on pretty much everything. It's been hard as I feel she's only been being difficult as a way to try and wear me down and give in to what she wants. I've put together proposals and counter offers to her in mediation that are more then fair and really are looking out for the best interest of our son. I've done everything I could to make sure that his life will be effected as little as possible while at the same time looking out for myself and my future. I've gone after less of the equity in our house so that I knew she would be able to keep and afford it on her own and still give me enough to be comfortable. I don't want her to have to sell the house, it's where my son grew up so far, it's his home and what he knows. I've backed off on alimony since it's not something I really need from her, and I've even proposed she pay me half the child support she should be paying because it'll be a 50/50 split. I can live comfortably on my own with my salary but having my son 50% of the time would make things a little tight, but both he and I deserve our time together.

Even with mediation it's feels like a long tough road. My best advice is to sit down and really figure out your budget and how much you really need to live and save a little, and cut out some of the none essentials. Bring that information to a mediator, including the costs of those none essentials that you cut out just to show that you are willing to compromise some. At the end of the day we all can always find a way to make money and get what we need, but we need to look out for the best interest of our kids first. They need to see that even though mom and dad don't get along anymore that they can at least still work together to make their lives the best they can be.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

First thing is you need to get a lawyer.
Find out all of your legal options moving forward.

Second thing is to get yourself out of a unhealthy 
relationship, it will be better for you and your kids.
Staying in an unhealthy relationship will be bad for 
your kids in the long term. 

The court will decide on the custody and other things.
What he wants he may not get, and custody agreements 
sometimes can be changed later. 

First know your legal options, and take care of yourself.
Then you will be in a better place to take care of the kids.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

OP asked for any experience, good or bad. I posted.


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## lari (Jun 30, 2018)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Wish your husband was asking for advice. My mom broke up our family. She claimed it was for us but it was really for her. Took her 40 years to admit it. Told her a bit late to figure that out.
> 
> Good luck.


 I don't really follow. Ultimately, the spouse breaking up is always doing it for themselves at least partially; to keep their self respect, their sanity, to stay safe. Hopefully, it allows the kids to be in a healthier environment and the parents to be better parents. Why are you saying you wish my husband was asking the question? Are you saying your dad was similar to my husband? Then I would agree with your mom's decision. Some more info would help please. And if you feel like I'm making a bad decision please explain why or at least why it was bad for you as a child in your parents situation. What happened post divorce that was so negative


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

You made more than one child with him over a 15 year period. But your portrait of him is very very negative. That raises an eyebrow. Making babies for years with someone who sucks so bad. So negative that him wanting to be with his kids 50% of the time turns into him being 'out to get you' and not just him wanting to be with his kids half the time. Maybe when he is with the kids with you around he cannot interact with them because you need to control or argue or debate or criticize how he interacts with them. That is just a thought. 2 sides to every story. 

Have you too tried marriage counseling or does he want out too and that ship has sailed?


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## lari (Jun 30, 2018)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> You made more than one child with him over a 15 year period. But your portrait of him is very very negative. That raises an eyebrow. Making babies for years with someone who sucks so bad. So negative that him wanting to be with his kids 50% of the time turns into him being 'out to get you' and not just him wanting to be with his kids half the time. Maybe when he is with the kids with you around he cannot interact with them because you need to control or argue or debate or criticize how he interacts with them. That is just a thought. 2 sides to every story.
> 
> Have you too tried marriage counseling or does he want out too and that ship has sailed?


 oh absolutely I have fault here. I really wanted kids. He is my first and only serious relationship I've ever had. I'm insecure and felt like if I didn't marry him no one would want me. That was unfair to him. I'm pretty independent and so his behavior wasn't as big a deal to me pre kids. I did my own thing and I could do all the work so in that sense I enabled him that that division in labor was acceptable to me. We had infertility for years and I was he'll bent on having kids. I also had unspoken expectations that he would grow up and parent similar to his parents. He did not. He still wanted to go out and keep the college lifestyle. This was a long time coming. Once the kids were here and I saw how he was going to be as a parent I knew I couldn't let the kids grow up thinking that that kind of behavior was ok, but I also couldn't bear the thought of leaving them even part time. Now that the youngest is in school and is more self sufficient I feel like I can do it.


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## lari (Jun 30, 2018)

We've done marriage counseling on and off over the last 4 yrs. Together and on our own. It was not very helpful. I spent much of that time modifying how I communicate with him. Using softer start ups, letting things go, deferring to whatever he wanted. It didn't make much of a difference and I got tired of trying. He's not a horrible person. He loves his kids and he cares about his image and what others think so he'll bend over backwards for others. It just makes me sad


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## lari (Jun 30, 2018)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> You made more than one child with him over a 15 year period. But your portrait of him is very very negative. That raises an eyebrow. Making babies for years with someone who sucks so bad. So negative that him wanting to be with his kids 50% of the time turns into him being 'out to get you' and not just him wanting to be with his kids half the time. Maybe when he is with the kids with you around he cannot interact with them because you need to control or argue or debate or criticize how he interacts with them. That is just a thought. 2 sides to every story.
> 
> Have you too tried marriage counseling or does he want out too and that ship has sailed?


 your totally off base with his interactions with the kids. If I'm around he at least tries to do things with them. If I'm gone for work or a weekend he won't do squat with them. They watch tv all weekend or the kids will say daddy slept til noon.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, when you divorce him you will have very little say zero say on what he does with them on his time. 

I'm bouncing off this thread. I feel sorry for all of you. You wanting out, your husband being bitter and kids in the middle. It's sad. Good luck to you, wish you all peace.


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## lari (Jun 30, 2018)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Well, when you divorce him you will have very little say zero say on what he does with them on his time.
> 
> I'm bouncing off this thread. I feel sorry for all of you. You wanting out, your husband being bitter and kids in the middle. It's sad. Good luck to you, wish you all peace.


 yes. One of the reasons I tried to stay and make a go of it was because i expect, based on previous behavior ,he will become even more passive and non-engaged as a dad. I still Hope he will rise to the challenge and become the parent I know he can be, but at this point i can only control how I parent and how i behave going forward.


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## lari (Jun 30, 2018)

We agreed to divorce several weeks ago. It's mostly me initiating. One of the many reasons for divorce is his constant digs and criticisms. Now they've really ramped up in frequency. I could have guessed this might happen. I'm taking the high road for now and just letting his words hang out there and not responding, but his words still hurt, baddly, and it's taking its toll. I was already feeling guilty about the damage this decision is going to have on the kids and now I just feel beyond terrible. So if that's his plan. It's working. How do I stay strong? How do I just keep taking it? The kids of course hear his comments and I know they will believe dad because I don't respond. At some point I fear I will just explode at him in response. What should I do? We still live together until he finds a place and we'll still have to coordinate kid activities


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

lari said:


> We agreed to divorce several weeks ago. It's mostly me initiating. One of the many reasons for divorce is his constant digs and criticisms. Now they've really ramped up in frequency. I could have guessed this might happen. I'm taking the high road for now and just letting his words hang out there and not responding, but his words still hurt, baddly, and it's taking its toll. I was already feeling guilty about the damage this decision is going to have on the kids and now I just feel beyond terrible. So if that's his plan. It's working. How do I stay strong? How do I just keep taking it? The kids of course hear his comments and I know they will believe dad because I don't respond. At some point I fear I will just explode at him in response. What should I do? We still live together until he finds a place and we'll still have to coordinate kid activities


You should stick to one thread.


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## lari (Jun 30, 2018)

I'm sorry. Can an admin please move this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lari said:


> I'm sorry. Can an admin please move this.


I merged 2 of your threads. You will get better responses if you stick to one thread with your story. That way people don't have to search all over the place to get your full story.


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

If I could do this after 20 years you could too. Block his hurtful remarks out, do what you got to do. The hardest part is saying I want a divorce. You got that far, stop feeling guilty and file for divorce.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Sad that he loves his kids, but has poor daddy skills. You expected the digs and criticisms to accelerate and your no answer strategy is good--you've had practice. Emotional abuse is hard to fight at this point--painful too. This behavior is often seen in one who has low self-esteem. Knocking you down seems to build them up. 

Kids are not as unseeing/unknowing as one might think AND they can often feel your hurt. You do not want to teach them that it iis acceptable to allow such. Courage.....


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## lari (Jun 30, 2018)

I wanted to return and share my experiences, because facing divorce is super scary and I had a lot of concerns with my anxiety going into it. I hope my experience brings some comfort to others facing this decision. My divorce will be finalized at the end of this month. The ex moved out in mid October and the peace and calm I experience at home now is indescribable. I had focused on all the negatives that might happen with the kids, but hadn’t considered all the things I would be gaining with this divorce, no more daily criticisms, no more cringing when he criticized the kids, no more inquisitions on a thousand questions he had over everything in my life. I never realized how controlling he was in the midst of it all. No more feeling like I was being used as I did so much of the daily life tasks. Admittedly, nothing has changed for him. I had hoped that divorce would have made him realize that he had some responsibility in this all, but no. I will get no apologies or closure and I have to make peace with that. That’s the only part I feel like I’m struggling with. I haven’t felt so happy and proud and strong ever in my life. It’s like I’m on a high. I’m motivated and not lagging, hoping, just hoping that maybe he would take on any responsibility. I finally stood up for myself. I finally said, no, I don’t deserve to be treated like this. No, if you are going out all the time until 3 AM you won’t be coming home to me as a wife. No, if you won’t share the load then I won’t do everything for you. It was such a hard decision, but if you are in my position. Be strong. You deserve more. I will be happier being alone forever than staying with a jerk that just uses me in every way. All the decisions he’s continuing to make apart just reinforce that I did the right thing. 2 months later and my son still doesn’t have a bed at his dad’s house. He hasn’t gotten a washer or dryer. He feeds the kids fast food and lunchables if he even remembers to feed them ( I’m thankful they are old enough to fend for themselves). He lets them stay up until all hours. He doesn’t make them do their homework or reading. I’m sad that I can’t change how he parents and that this part will hurt my kids in school. I only hope that my time with them is enough to instill those responsibilities in them. I also, did not realize how much my ex’s ADHD had an impact on our marriage. Many of our issues were a direct result of those symptoms. Again, distance has provided perspective. Sure, buying him out of the house and paying him a chunk of my retirement hurt. I wouldn’t have felt bad about it if I had felt that he ever shared the load or pulled his weight, but it is what it is. I’m on my own and independent. I’m only sad that I stayed with him so long. I have a general bitterness towards all men at this point. I know I will be able to work through it with time, and it’s good because I need to be alone for now to focus on my kids and just heal.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

You did the right thing. Disregard the negative post as it served no purpose. Best wishes to you and your family.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

What a great update, I am really happy for you that you are free! If this is the sloppy way he parents, it wont be long until he starts pushing them back to you when its supposed to be his time with them. Its just too much work for him, clearly. Sad.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Fantastic update ! Great job, good going, and welcome to your new life !


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