# Resenting sex



## Angel_Eyes (Jul 11, 2012)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*I posted this in the General section and realised I should have put it here- sorry*
So before i got married, i was very sexually active. My then fiance and I would have sex sometimes multiplle times a day, and prior to him I always had very sexually active relationships and I would be the lead initiator. 
Sine getting married 2 years ago, my appetite has gone downhill severley. My husband would love to have sex every day or at least every second day but I would be happy with once or twice a week. Nothing has changed medically or physically (I have been checked for a mangnatude of things) but i am starting to find myself resenting my husbands advances more and more.
I can tell it bothers him and I wish I wasn't feeling this way. It's getting to the point where if he is feeling frisky and I am not, I get very angry at him. I will take care of him by hand or orally but the whole time i am thinking how much I want it over with, and how he better like it and hurry up and finish.
It's getting worse and worse. He is the best husband anyone could ask for, so it's not him that is making me feel this way. 
Nothing bad has ever happened to me in the past (abuse etc) so it's not a dormant issue.
What should I do???


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Are you feeling less into him or less into sex? Do others(not a specific person) make you feel sexual? (Yes same questions in the General Relationship part)


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

What has changed in your life from the time you were very sexually active and now (besides being married)?

Do you still desire sex, just not with your husband, or are you completely uninterested in sex?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Angel_Eyes said:


> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> *I posted this in the General section and realised I should have put it here- sorry*
> So before i got married, i was very sexually active. My then fiance and I would have sex sometimes multiplle times a day, and prior to him I always had very sexually active relationships and I would be the lead initiator.
> ...


Look at your drivers license, if the square for SEX says female, you are perfectly normal.....

It is a sad phenomenon but LOTS of women loose the hots for theit man as soon as the knot is tied. It is the difference between chasing, and catching....A sure thing is like shooting ducks on the water, you want the chase.....

Seems to be the same for a lot of guys too.

Try reading "The 5 Love Languages" WITH him. It will tell you why you feel the way you do, and how to fix it.....


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Seems to be the start signals of the infamous "four year itch".


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sometimes the confidence and security of being married brings too much peace to your frame of mind.

Yes, the chase is exciting.
Yes, the doubting keeps you on your toes.
Yes, absence can make togetherness more stimulating.
Yes, routine is boring and women dig novelty.

How do you get it back?

Read erotica.
Imagine him with another woman.
Imagine him being seduced by a woman who would love to take him away from you just because she can.
Mix it up. Make a list of the places you haven't had sex yet? Have him make a list too.

You have to work at keeping the relationship exciting for the sexual life to also be exciting. And... So does he.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Angel_Eyes said:


> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> *I posted this in the General section and realised I should have put it here- sorry*
> So before i got married, i was very sexually active. My then fiance and I would have sex sometimes multiplle times a day, and prior to him I always had very sexually active relationships and I would be the lead initiator.
> ...


Mrs. Angel,

Well, if you keep on doing what you're doing now (resenting him for catering to his rightful needs), then that best husband in the world would one day do the rightful thing, that is, leaving you.

It's good that you're here in this forum, to broaden your knowledge.

I sure does hope that it's to broaden your knowledge and to find ways to become a better wife.

If you're here to find justification for your behavior, many of us won't be able to help you.

But if you're interested in becoming a better wife, why don't you read this article below? Maybe you'll pick up a thing or two.

Why (and How) Sex is Important to Men


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> Look at your drivers license, if the square for SEX says female, you are perfectly normal.....
> 
> *It is a sad phenomenon but LOTS of women loose the hots for theit man as soon as the knot is tied.* It is the difference between chasing, and catching....A sure thing is like shooting ducks on the water, you want the chase.....
> 
> ...


I think it's more the moving in together that does it, more than the marriage license. You know what they say about familiarity...

OP, has your husband stopped doing the kinds of things that he used to do with you before marriage? The fun or romantic or thoughtful things he did while dating? Do you spend quality time together, just the two of you, doing fun things? Do you go out together? Or has it all become a boring routine at home?

Are you overall happy with the marriage or do you have some issues that have started brewing between you?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Angel, the guys you dated before your husband - would you have ever considered them "good husband material" or "some to treat you like a queen" or " would be a good guy to raise a family with"? Or were these previous guys generally more aloof, treated you OK at best and were generally "bad boys"?



> He is the best husband anyone could ask for


Red Flag


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Well before marriage it's naughty. Once you get married it's not only not naughty, people expect you to have sex! It's kind of a turn off. 
How long we're you together before the wedding?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

How does he treat you outside the bedroom, during your day to day interactions, etc? I lost desire for my 2nd husband because he was constantly criticizing me, and had become very negative to deal with.


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## Kettlebells21 (Feb 7, 2013)

The linked article (above) is great - make sure to read it! I have also seen some research on the detrimental health effects (mental AND physical) for a man being in a situation that is misaligned sexually with his mate. This is psychology, this is biology, this is chemistry. Take these fundamentals into account when you're thinking about your situation.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Of all the poisons you can bring into the bedroom, resentment is the deadliest. If you thought he was a good lover before marriage, what about him has changed? If the answer is nothing, the ball is in your court.....


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## Angel_Eyes (Jul 11, 2012)

Thanks everyone for the replys- and thanks JLb3 for the link, i will read it and pass it to him to read also.
He is very good, although can be moody at times (who isn't) but a wonderful lover and person. Never critzises meor takes me for granted. 
Diwali- We have been together for almost 5 years in April.
I moved from Kerman to Bakersville CA to be with him and I used to be someone who was almost never at home, between social events and general get-togethers with friends. Since being here,it's too far to drive to see my social group during the week and i work weekends so I go 'back home' in my time off. But here, I have virtually no social life because he is somewhat of a loner and doesn't have many friends that live close by. I find that difficult, so that and the fact we dont get out anymore even for a meal is making me sad so that doesn't help my over-all mood.
Don't get me wrong, i still am outgoing and pretty up-beat most of the time.
Plan 9- I have never been with a 'bad boy' so to speak. a few LTR's and a hand full of ONS when I was single. Some were 'husband' material and I could see myself having children with the LTR's. But I am glad I waited to get married.
Maybe i thought he was more out-going when we were dating because I would bring him with me to a lot of friendly gatherings and include him. Now the mention of someone coming over gets him stressed out. 
Maybe my perception changed and not him at all.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Angel_Eyes said:


> Thanks everyone for the replys- and thanks JLb3 for the link, i will read it and pass it to him to read also.
> He is very good, although can be moody at times (who isn't) but a wonderful lover and person. Never critzises meor takes me for granted.


Good luck! We wish you the very best! :smthumbup:


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

You sound just like my wife. I'm going through the same thing.

Sit down for a minute. Think of your husband and how great he is. Now picture losing him.

If things dont change with you, he will probably never cheat on you if hes a great man. He will however probably end of resenting you and either divorce you or stay with you just for the kids sake.

People need to realize that the greatest threat to their marriage is not another woman/man. Its themselves. You are your own worst enemy. You say you have a fantastic and loving husband. Grow up and take care of him as he takes care of you. The chase is over, the games are over, the thrill of the hunt is over. Be a wife and see what a great catch you have and do what it takes to make him happy, the way he does for you.

I dont understand some people. I think people forget how great they have it and cant really know how horrible they are screwing themselves by treating a spouse like this.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> You sound just like my wife. I'm going through the same thing.
> 
> Sit down for a minute. Think of your husband and how great he is. Now picture losing him.
> 
> ...


Some people need the thrill of the hunt to keep passion alive. Everyone is different.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Angel Eyes, it is very good that you recognize that this is a problem so that you can work to fix it because it can threaten your marriage. I know it's all relative, but I think sex 2x/week is OK. just because it is less than what used to be, doesn't mean that it is inadequate. I guess your H is terribly unhappy and resentful because now it is 2x/ week but it's not like you're cutting him off.

I don't think giving BJ's or HJ's for pity sex is OK and the resentment your harbor will make you even more angry. Why do you get so angry at your H? Do you feel forced to do something you don't want to do? If your H was OK with sex 2x/week, would you still feel angry? Would you be interested in sex more? Would you enjoy it more if it was 2x/week?

Is he a good lover? Does make you feel good? Is it all about him and his needs? Does he give you the affection you want during sex? Has it become too routine? Is there anything you can think of that he can do to make sex better and more appealing? Do you communicate well, or at all, regarding sex? Maybe communication is the problem.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Angel_Eyes said:


> Thanks everyone for the replys- and thanks JLb3 for the link, i will read it and pass it to him to read also.
> He is very good, although can be moody at times (who isn't) but a wonderful lover and person. Never critzises meor takes me for granted.
> Diwali- We have been together for almost 5 years in April.
> *I moved from Kerman to Bakersville CA to be with him and I used to be someone who was almost never at home, between social events and general get-togethers with friends. Since being here,it's too far to drive to see my social group during the week and i work weekends so I go 'back home' in my time off. But here, I have virtually no social life because he is somewhat of a loner and doesn't have many friends that live close by. I find that difficult, so that and the fact we dont get out anymore even for a meal is making me sad so that doesn't help my over-all mood.*
> ...


It sounds like you have no social outlet other than your husband. I can see how that would be difficult for a social person. And since your husband is not social at all, your world seems very limited to you. I can see how that would bring on the doldrums and even depression. And maybe some resentment, too.

Is there any way you can make some friends and create a social life for yourself? Do you have children? Maybe make friends with their parents and create a group your husband would be somewhat comfortable with?

Why does he get stressed out when someone comes to your house for a visit?


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## Angel_Eyes (Jul 11, 2012)

It's been pretty tough on me since the move without my social outlet, and with him being a quiet guy with hardly any friends it's made it even more difficult. I have made a few friends here but no one that im really close to. We dont have kids yet so no parenting groups I can join in socially either. I work with a great bunch of people but most are in a much older age group than myself and we don't share same interests etc.
Like I said, he is a wonderful lover, friend and person in general. Our sex life has become 'routine' though, follows the same process every session.
I feel resentful because he wants it a lot more than I do, and i feel guilty that I don't want it as much the way I used to when his drive has remained the same. I don't know how to explain in really. Im not angry at him per se, more that I am angry at the fact that he wants it and i dont really care much for it anymore. Its like, every time he mentions he wants it (pretty much every day) it turns me off even more.
I would be happy with just once a week, with something to mix it up and do something different every now and then. Or just some spontaneity would be nice 
I dont know why he gets stressed out when we seldom do have visitors. When we go out to visit he is great, but when we have people over its a different story.
I dont want him to resent me because i turn him down, i want to fix this before it gets to me having no drive at all.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

My recommendation would be to start making the changes yourself.

Don't wait for him to change things up sexually; you take over and add some things or change things up during sex. Think about the kinds of things you'd like to do and just do them! Talk with him about the kinds of things you'd like to do...whisper in his ear when he gets home from work, "tonight, I want you to..." or "tonight, let's do..."

The only way things will be spontaneous is if YOU are spontaneous. Instead of waiting for him to initiate (which you know he will do, every day), send him a text while at work telling him you're looking forward to getting home so you can take a shower together or whatever.

If he sees that you are taking initiative, he might feel less needy in asking for sex every day. Right now, he knows if he doesn't ask, he won't get. So he asks until you say yes.

And, finally, I've found that the more I put into sex, the more I get out of it. I have a wonderful lover who will do anything, but if I really focus on it, guide him to the positions I like, do things for him that I know he'll like, and am proactive about it all, it's way better than if I let him lead all the time.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Angel_Eyes said:


> It's been pretty tough on me since the move without my social outlet, and with him being a quiet guy with hardly any friends it's made it even more difficult.


This would be a source of the resentment. You aren't happy. So why shouild he be happy.

If you were coming home from a wonderful night out socializing, you'd probably be in the mood for sex. But after stewing over how bored you are or unfulfilled, you aren't likely to want sex with the person you view as responsible. 

This situation is untenable, and has to be addressed at the root cause. Better get cracking on communication about this with the husband,


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Angel_Eyes said:


> I dont want him to resent me because i turn him down, i want to fix this before it gets to me having no drive at all.


:smthumbup:

This is an admirable attitude and a noble intention, Mrs. Angel. If the intention are good and the efforts are sincere, results will eventually come.

I sure hope that you will be successful, and I pray that the two of you will have a wonderful, loving, caring and satisfying marriage.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Angel_Eyes said:


> I dont know why he gets stressed out when we seldom do have visitors. When we go out to visit he is great, but when we have people over its a different story.


Two questions:

A) When visitors come over, is it an unexpected drop by, or are they invited for a planned visit? If it's a mixture of both, does he get more stressed out when they just 'drop by' or when it is planned?

B) How often are you turning him down sexually, and typically how often do you go between sexual sessions.

The reason I ask is I used to get a bit upset when people would come over too when me and my fiancee were in a sexual rut. If it was on an evening when i was in the mood and hoping for some, then having company stop by out of the blue, it was like a ****block, and it was annoying and even frustrating. Especially if you knew that tomorrow or the next few days were out of the picture after that due to commitments already made.

With evenings out, I'd assume those are mostly planned out, even days or weeks ahead. So he knows they are coming. He may not know companies coming over though, and when they do pop by, it could be a thought for him of "Great, no sex tonight"

That gets especially frustrating if you've been in the mood for a few days or more and were hoping to scratch that itch tonight, only to have Bob and Sue pop over unannounced.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

The two of you should seek some marriage counseling, preferably with a practitioner who has also has credentials/expertise in sex therapy.

It helped my marriage tremendously!


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## Angel_Eyes (Jul 11, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Two questions:
> 
> A) When visitors come over, is it an unexpected drop by, or are they invited for a planned visit? If it's a mixture of both, does he get more stressed out when they just 'drop by' or when it is planned?
> Always planned. Friends and family don't live close enough for it to be just a drop by.
> ...


With the evenings/days out, we are out of the house which i suspect is why he is more relaxed. He is a bit of a neat freak (not ocd) and maybe making a mess by entertaining that we will have to clean up later makes him annoyed? I honestly dont know. He denies he is strung out when i point it out to him.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Then I doubt it is a problem for the reason I hypothesized.

It could very well be that he stressed over the clean up, or over the work he sees he'll have to do, and being out of the house removes that stress.

As an experiment, ask him what he thinks of having over someone he seems to like and then a few days later someone he doesn't like very much and see if he reacts differently. If not, odds are it's not to do with the type of people who come over, and rather something else, such as the mess.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

at the start of my marriage my wife wanted it more than me and even if i wasnt in the mood i did it to keep her happy, well 6 years later the oral on her part stopped for a year and for 3 months no sex ( no not cheating medical problems cant have kids, spends all time with me no gno access to all her email/cell) one night sh h mentioned oral for me i refused she was confused told her why, she now tried all the time sex has picked back up 4-5 times a week (once today in my office  ) but i was starting to resent her. when she wanted i did when i did she didnt. but when i talked to her hse understood.


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## King Ding Dong (Feb 23, 2013)

Right now I am to upset to talk sex and would say something rude. So I will talk social. If he doesn't want people in the house think social situations outside of it. You have been asked about your children at least once but not responded. So I don't know ages, number or anything about them.

Scouts, they will make friends, have fun, go camping etc. you automatically meet other parents and socialize outside your house. 

A church, maybe Unitarian if you are not into all the judgemental, we are right everyone else is wrong stuff. 

Suggest picnic at the park with people you know. Your children have any friens at school ? Invite their families to the park.

If you want a social life you can have one.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

It is easy to get into this cycle and sometimes difficult to get out of. It is all about your focus. 

I nearly lost my husband, not once but twice. My sister was widowed young. I gotta tell you, these little annoyances are trivial. 

I learned to appreciate the little things and how to change my focus from being turned off to tuning in and turning on. This goes for all areas of life. 

If you want change, make it happen. You have the power to initiate a change so it doesn't get boring or routine. Taking that first step can lead to many more in that direction. Any direction really, so choose the positive direction and then the enjoyable things will be on your path.

Each time you feel your mind going to a thought of resentment or a negative place, turn it around. What is a better feeling for you in this moment? 

Rather than thinking you would like him to get there quicker so you can be done, think about how you would love to give him the gift of pleasure. Think about how you would like to prolong that pleasure. Think about how you want to make him squirm with delight.

*It can be a chore or a gift, it is all up to how you perceive it! * How do you choose to perceive the situation?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Angel_Eyes said:


> With the evenings/days out, we are out of the house which i suspect is why he is more relaxed. He is a bit of a neat freak (not ocd) and maybe making a mess by entertaining that we will have to clean up later makes him annoyed? I honestly dont know. He denies he is strung out when i point it out to him.


You guys definitely have communication issues.

The business about turning your back on him when he has said he is hoping for sex - and him sighing - this is both of you signalling that you are not happy, but not saying why.

Him denying he is strung out - another refusal to communicate. 

Nothing is more important than communicating with your spouse.


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## Angel_Eyes (Jul 11, 2012)

King Ding Dong said:


> Right now I am to upset to talk sex and would say something rude. So I will talk social. If he doesn't want people in the house think social situations outside of it. You have been asked about your children at least once but not responded. So I don't know ages, number or anything about them.
> 
> Scouts, they will make friends, have fun, go camping etc. you automatically meet other parents and socialize outside your house.
> 
> ...


Actually if you had read this thread you would have seen I replied to a post commenting that NO, we have no children right now. Post #20 as a matter of fact.
We are not religious either so no church.
I appreciate the social aspect of your post though, so thank you.
Lovemylife- Its scary to think that one day everything you know and love could vanish in the blink of an eye. And you are right- it IS perspective. I will keep your comment in mind when I perform sex/oral etc next time with H and see if that helps me 
He actually made an off-hand comment yesterday about wanting to try having sex in his car! I was like WHOA where did that come from!? I like it!!! I will initiate next time we are going to be doing a trip somewhere-maybe we could pull over at the side of a dirt road? Lol. Hmmm.... 
Wiserforit- Yes, I would say we have communication issues. I personally try to express my feelings when I can but sometimes if I think it will cause too much of a fight I iwill clam up and not say anything.
I never noticed before but maybe he is doing the same thing?
Terrence- Good for you-in your office!? I hope you work from hoome? LOL :smthumbup:


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## King Ding Dong (Feb 23, 2013)

Angel_Eyes said:


> Actually if you had read this thread you would have seen I replied to a post commenting that NO, we have no children right now. Post #20 as a matter of fact.


I actually did read the this thread. However I am human and made a mistake in my recollection. Sorry. I can be very rude at times also. So no offense taken. I hope it works out for you.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Angel_Eyes said:


> I personally try to express my feelings when I can but sometimes if I think it will cause too much of a fight I iwill clam up and not say anything.
> I never noticed before but maybe he is doing the same thing?


Can you identify what the issues are that you expect to cause too much of a fight over?


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## Angel_Eyes (Jul 11, 2012)

Wiserforit- Not really. It has been frequency of sex issues, or when I have commented on his seemingly 'up-tightness' and he shut me down so I havent talked about it again. If I want to go stay a night with family I dont bother saying so now because i made the mistake of suggesting that i do that once, only to be met with 'No you can't' end of story. So I have ended up with a 'why bother' attitude, which is terrible because when we were dating he said his favourite thing about me was my honesty. *sigh* I dont know.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Angel_Eyes said:


> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> *I posted this in the General section and realised I should have put it here- sorry*
> So before i got married, i was very sexually active. My then fiance and I would have sex sometimes multiplle times a day, and prior to him I always had very sexually active relationships and I would be the lead initiator.
> ...


It's a known fact - men enjoy and crave sex waaaaaaaaaay more than most women do which is a shame, and I have been cut off for an entire year now and are just about fed up with it and have told her this several times.


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## Erin143 (Feb 12, 2013)

My wifes sex drive dropped a year into the marriage and we don't fight often... But when we do guess what its mainly about. Us guys don't need it everyday, just put some effort in, spice it up don't lay there or while you're doing it think oh I hope this is over soon. That's the main way we feel appreciated and we notice that, and when you get angry you may as well not even bother. Man I know a lot of guys that mess up a work extremely hard to fix their wrongs and some guys that don't even mess up, us guys put women on a peddlestool and the women that think oh I got him I'm done... I'm sorry but one day Mr I got you, gonna have someone else. You can still have sex fulfilled and a chase within a marriage, I mean sext one another, leave notes, pictures, tease, think what you used to do... But don't lose the spark!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Angel_Eyes said:


> Wiserforit- Not really. It has been frequency of sex issues, or when I have commented on his seemingly 'up-tightness' and he shut me down so I havent talked about it again. If I want to go stay a night with family I dont bother saying so now because i made the mistake of suggesting that i do that once, only to be met with 'No you can't' end of story. So I have ended up with a 'why bother' attitude, which is terrible because when we were dating he said his favourite thing about me was my honesty. *sigh* I dont know.


Not sure I understand about the family. You like to visit with them and he is denying this, or you need time apart from him because of a fight or what?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Angel_Eyes,

Please get the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and read it. There's a link to it in my signature block below.

From what you have written here it's pretty clear that some of your most important needs are not being met. What changed after marriage was not you or your husband. It was your life style. Now you are depending on your husband more to meet your needs, needs that you used to be able to get met by your social group. 

When a woman's needs are not met by her husband/partner, the first thing that usually goes is her sex drive.

And then of course it becomes a vicious cycle in which his needs are not being met. So he meets her needs less... and so over time the relationship spirals down to the point where the relationship falls apart.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Angel_Eyes
Very honest thread on your part. 

Your sincere desire to resolve comes through load and clear. 

No matter what anyone says, it's toxic for him to initiate sex at a much higher frequency than you are willing to participate in. And it is ok to tell him that the daily request for sex is actually a turn off. 

It is also important not to ignore the gap. 

'I will ROCK your world tomorrow night' is in a different universe than 'not tonight'.

I need you to tell me how often we can have company and you will be nice about it?

If he plays dumb - tease him. 

If you pretend that you like having company here - I swear - I will start inviting folks near daily until you either fess up or have a nervous breakdown. 

Just remember Angel. You are both afraid to be blunt about - ummm - having folks inside. For him - the residence. For you, your ....body....

Being nice and playful can help. 


1494176]Actually if you had read this thread you would have seen I replied to a post commenting that NO, we have no children right now. Post #20 as a matter of fact.
We are not religious either so no church.
I appreciate the social aspect of your post though, so thank you.
Lovemylife- Its scary to think that one day everything you know and love could vanish in the blink of an eye. And you are right- it IS perspective. I will keep your comment in mind when I perform sex/oral etc next time with H and see if that helps me 
He actually made an off-hand comment yesterday about wanting to try having sex in his car! I was like WHOA where did that come from!? I like it!!! I will initiate next time we are going to be doing a trip somewhere-maybe we could pull over at the side of a dirt road? Lol. Hmmm.... 
Wiserforit- Yes, I would say we have communication issues. I personally try to express my feelings when I can but sometimes if I think it will cause too much of a fight I iwill clam up and not say anything.
I never noticed before but maybe he is doing the same thing?
Terrence- Good for you-in your office!? I hope you work from hoome? LOL :smthumbup:[/QUOTE]


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## Angel_Eyes (Jul 11, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> Not sure I understand about the family. You like to visit with them and he is denying this, or you need time apart from him because of a fight or what?


No when we visit them he is fine. When they visit us, they stay over the night because of the distance travelling time and that is where the problems start.


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## Angel_Eyes (Jul 11, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Angel_Eyes
> Very honest thread on your part.
> 
> Your sincere desire to resolve comes through load and clear.
> ...


Thanks Mem- talking about it in a playful manner seems like a good idea. We do play around a bit so that wouldn't be out of the ordinary for me to be like that, just with this subject we NEED to discuss.
Sometimes I do tell him 'tomorrow night babe' when he is trying for sex but the next night if i am really tired I fall asleep before we do anything and at the time I dont really care because we may have had sex two nights before and Im still 'good'. 
In saying that, last night we had mindblowing (his words) sex, and i said we will ge alright now for a couple of days but he didnt get it. This morning he was mentioning sex again and winking at me, with an erection. Sorry if that's TMI ! But I feel like nothing I do satisfies him, or satisfies him long enough for me to build some desire up to want it again.
At least last night i wasnt thinking 'hurry up' so thats a plus...


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Angel_Eyes said:


> No when we visit them he is fine. When they visit us, they stay over the night because of the distance travelling time and that is where the problems start.


I'm even more confused now. This was what I was asking about:



> * If I want to go stay a night with family* I dont bother saying so now because i made the mistake of suggesting that i do that once, only to be met with 'No you can't' end of story. So I have ended up with a 'why bother' attitude


Why are you wanting to go stay with family, and why is this a problem?

The context is clearly you going alone. That could be nothing out of the ordinary, as would be the case if someone's work schedule didn't match up. Or it could be you needing a break from your husband, which is a problem. This isn't complicated. You just need to communicate clearly. 

I don't understand how this leads to the "why bother" attitude. Why bother with what? Telling him what you want to do? So you build up resentment because you can't tell him what your desires are?

Relationship 101 is clear communication so the instant you are saying why bother communicating what is on my mind, you are in troubled waters. Then you start living one life in your head and another (phony) life with your partner. 

We aren't clear at all why he does not like them coming to your place. That isn't rocket science either. You (he) just finishes the sentence "I don't like them staying overnight because..."

My mother-in-law from hell would actually move my guns or fishing/camping gear from the house out to a shed in back when I would go on an errand and then tell me how grateful I should be for her "cleaning" my house. She opened my mail, snooped through business papers - really outrageous behavior so I had good reason to put my foot down. So what's the husband on about?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Angel,
He needs a bit of help here. My W and I really love each other and are in year 24 together. We had some similar issues in the beginning. She taught me some stuff, and I learned a lot on here. 

Would he read a book if you suggested it? 

He is really bad at this. As bad as I was 23 years ago. That is good because he can get a lot better at it if he wants to. 

He doesnt yet understand that telling your lower desire partner that you are massively hot for them - when they are in a completely UNaroused state - is a huge turn off. Any lower desire partner will not like that type of behavior. It comes across as needy and given your comment the night before - also selfish. This is difficult for him - imagine a night in your past when you were a little drunk and majorly in lust with some man. That is how impaired he is when sober - because his attraction for you is so high. And that can be a good thing.

1. You might want to give him a short written list of turn offs
2. And turn ons 

And then in parallel you/he need to learn about female responsive desire. 

And then in parallel with him getting better at doing fewer turn offs and more turn ons - ideally you two can find a rhythm. His compromise is going to be altering some behavior, and your compromise is going to be - altering some behavior. 

If compatible, you are going to end up in a rhythm where:
- Some nights you start out feeling desire for him before you get in bed.
- Some nights you are feeling - love for him - but not desire. You are sexually 'neutral', and you let him get you in the mood. Only you know the 'best' way for him to trigger your responsive desire. You will relax and let him get you in the mood.
- Some nights (hopefully they are rare), you may choose to make it all about him. Only do this if you love him enough to want to please him. And only do this if you are both able to accept it for what it is. You don't fake an O. You don't claim that it is a 'red' out date. No excuses, no gentle deception to spare his feelings. 

You say: tonight is all about you. If his reaction is anything other than fully positive and appreciative that you love him enough to feel good about doing that, you shape his behavior towards accepting it nicely or recognizing that you won't keep doing it. 

Everyone follows their own path. 

--------

One last thing. There is some other stuff going on between you two that needs to be addressed. 

Why would he say 'no you aren't' with regard to you visiting your family. Something is 'off' about that. Either he has a very good reason to dislike you visiting them or (going away in general) or he has a control issue.







Angel_Eyes said:


> Thanks Mem- talking about it in a playful manner seems like a good idea. We do play around a bit so that wouldn't be out of the ordinary for me to be like that, just with this subject we NEED to discuss.
> Sometimes I do tell him 'tomorrow night babe' when he is trying for sex but the next night if i am really tired I fall asleep before we do anything and at the time I dont really care because we may have had sex two nights before and Im still 'good'.
> In saying that, last night we had mindblowing (his words) sex, and i said we will ge alright now for a couple of days but he didnt get it. This morning he was mentioning sex again and winking at me, with an erection. Sorry if that's TMI ! But I feel like nothing I do satisfies him, or satisfies him long enough for me to build some desire up to want it again.
> At least last night i wasnt thinking 'hurry up' so thats a plus...





QUOTE=Angel_Eyes;1498306]Thanks Mem- talking about it in a playful manner seems like a good idea. We do play around a bit so that wouldn't be out of the ordinary for me to be like that, just with this subject we NEED to discuss.
Sometimes I do tell him 'tomorrow night babe' when he is trying for sex but the next night if i am really tired I fall asleep before we do anything and at the time I dont really care because we may have had sex two nights before and Im still 'good'. 
In saying that, last night we had mindblowing (his words) sex, and i said we will ge alright now for a couple of days but he didnt get it. This morning he was mentioning sex again and winking at me, with an erection. Sorry if that's TMI ! But I feel like nothing I do satisfies him, or satisfies him long enough for me to build some desire up to want it again.
At least last night i wasnt thinking 'hurry up' so thats a plus...[/QUOTE]


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Angel_Eyes said:


> Sometimes I do tell him 'tomorrow night babe' when he is trying for sex but the next night if i am really tired I fall asleep before we do anything and at the time I dont really care because we may have had sex two nights before and Im still 'good'.


Be aware that he likely thinks (1) you fell asleep on purpose to avoid him; and (2) you lied the previous night to avoid him. Not saying you did, only saying what he likely perceives (and for him, perception is reality).

That likely results in:



> In saying that, last night we had mindblowing (his words) sex, and i said we will ge alright now for a couple of days but he didnt get it. This morning he was mentioning sex again and winking at me, with an erection. Sorry if that's TMI ! But I feel like nothing I do satisfies him, or satisfies him long enough for me to build some desire up to want it again.
> At least last night i wasnt thinking 'hurry up' so thats a plus...


He does not trust you to follow through, so he believes he needs to start asking for sex now so that he can hope to get it in 3-4 days. He does not trust you to care to meet this need, so he starts pestering you about it now.

So in addition to MEMs good advice, part of retraining him will be for you to follow through when you give a rain check. As you establish that trust, he will likely ease off the pressure on you.


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