# He is trying so hard that I feel guilty. Suggestions?



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Two days ago, my husband finally got the message about how I felt about our marriage, like it wasn't a real marriage at all b/c I feel so platonic toward him.

He is trying SO hard by being exceptionally gentle and kind and anticipating what I may want or need. I feel like I am watching this almost from a non-participant's perspective, I have so little reaction. I appreciate it very much, but my heart is not affected. Am I expecting too much, too soon from myself? Will my participating/going through the motions of being kind and gentle in return, change the way I feel? If you have any thoughts or experience with this, please share.

TIA.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Having looked at your previous threads, there seems to be two reasons why you're not sexually attracted to him.
1)He has no backbone or "get up and go".
2)He did not make love to you the way you repeatedly asked for.

Now that you have his attention, anything is possible, but you will need to at least re-gain some enthusiasm.

May I ask, is he physically attractive for his age?
And what was the sexual technique you wanted him to try that he would not bother with?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

_May I ask, is he physically attractive for his age?_

Yes, he is attractive in the objective sense. Stays slender, clean, etc. Not bad looking, not particularly handsome. 

_And what was the sexual technique you wanted him to try that he would not bother with_?

No specific technique. He would not vary his technique at all, or change anything. He responded, "If it works, why change it?" His idea of "working" was being able to bring me to orgasm. But I was bored to tears with his methodical approach. From start to finish, every move would be the same, no matter what I said or did. I showed him repeatedly things I liked, but he would never do them unless I asked. I had to choreograph any changes to the routine, and then the changes were done mechanically. He showed no enthusiasm for my pleasure, no interest in my body outside of 3 specific "touch points." 

I hope this anwers your questions.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Did you agree with the rest of my post, or am I wey off beam?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Yes, his lack of strength--emotional strength, self-esteem--and his passive way of going through life are total turnoffs for me. He seems weak and needy, and his lovemaking style has always struck me as being that way, too.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Well given that that's what you've got to work with, you have to decide if you can bring the best out in him or not. It's not impossible.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

MT, you say it's not impossible--but in your experience, how common is it for someone to "come back" from feeling so indifferent for so long? I'm afraid that if I let him make too much effort and I still don't experience a change in feeling, he'll hate me, 'cause it is a little embarrassing, this show of affection. It smacks of desperation. Maybe I just need to relax and see how it goes. It makes me feel like a terrible person, though, to "complain" about someone being kind and romantic toward me.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

What is going on is exactly what I attempt to describe here: Are You Out Of Sync? What will probably happen next is that just when he gets fed up with getting no response from you, you will have decided to respond - but it will be too late, because he will be feeling rejected. Then the whole cycle will repeat, like it probably has before. It's up to you to break the cycle, by being positive, instead of maintaining the "too little too late" stance. Or he could break the cycle by continuing to be nice even if you reject him for a while. But if one of you does not break this cycle - then it's not going to be fun for either of you.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

I can certainly emphasize how right the "out of sync" idea is. You have exactly what is being described there. You ask for something repeatedly, but then when you get it, you aren't happy (because he made you wait so long). He feels hopeless because he did what you asked, and you aren't happy.

Maybe what you need to do (now that you see this effort) is EXPLICITLY SAY something that lets him know you won't get caught in that out of sync cycle. Maybe this:

"I want you to know that I see how hard you are trying, and that I appreciate it very much, even if it doesn't seem like it. I want you to also know that while I am very happy you are making an effort, its going to take me some time to work through my feelings, because after asking you to change for so long, I became a bit numb. I want us to work on this together, and again, I really appreciate what you are doing"


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Thanks, Chopblock, but the problem is, I really DON'T want to work on this together. I feel like I SHOULD want to, but I don't. Maybe I let it go on too long, and maybe the sudden realization of how I truly felt and how much I want out--which hit me like a ton of bricks after our first talk--is still too fresh and exciting for me to have any thoughts but escape. I feel like I deserve something more. 

All I feel I can do right now is wait, to let time pass and see if I feel differently. I'm being cooperative and getting individual counseling (as is he), and that's about all I can do right now. I cannot even "forgive," b/cause I don't feel angry about anything anymore. I'm beyond that; I've learned to live without him as a close partner, have learned to live without him meeting my needs. Trying to back up and start that train again feels like a waste of energy. Will I feel this way in a month or two? I don't know. I plan to wait and see.

Oh, and the most recent twist: he sees all of this as "all couples have problems and they need to work on them together." I think, "problems? This is so far beyond that that he is either an idiot or in complete denial for insisting on seeing the situation like that." I've basically already told him that I won't continue to live in a loveless marriage. To me, we're not talking "problem," we're talking "deal breaker." "Problems" are things like different money managing styles, different parenting strategies and expectations. We've worked through those in our own way. But no deep connection, no feelings of love left? I don't know it there is a category for that.


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

OMG! I am sooo where you are right now! I don't have any advice for you, sorry. I am wondering how you know when its time to leave?


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## Healing (May 30, 2008)

You say you fell out of love. If you feel he has traits that you dislike, why did you marry him in the first place? Why not explain to him the things that are bugging you instead of sitting back and judging him when he is making efforts to please you?

I found this article might deal with your situation. The Art of Intimacy: Love or Loving? My Most Important Post Ever

I don't believe that people fall out of love. True love is not lust, passion or romance. If you no longer feel "in love" with him, it is because you are not committed to showing love FOR him.

It is not always about you.

I may sound harsh, but this was me some time ago. I went through this as well and I have now realized the mistakes that I have made.

You got it right, the problem is you DON'T want to work on it with him. You have decided for reasons of your own that you don't want to save your marriage, you don't even want to try. You want something new, shiny and exciting - i.e. you want an upgrade. It's no longer about 2 people now, it's just about you, you, you. I am not sure what the institution of MARRIAGE means to you.

If he had done something that hurt you, or made you upset, you should be talking about it to him instead of mentally checking out of this partnership which is meant to last for a lifetime.

P.S. I just wanted to say I don't mean to belittle the issues that you have with your husband. But I strongly believe that love is not a feeling, its a choice. And if you are committed to it, and use counselling, perhaps your sexual mismatch can be solved. Love will overcome all these things.


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