# What are your realistic expectations of your spouse?



## credamdóchasgra

I wanted to post this question in the "long term success" forum specifically.

Having realistic expectatons of each other and ourselves is something our therapist wants us to work on, and whenever we have a tiff, my husband tends to think I'm expecting something from him that is unrealistic. Sometimes I can see his point, but I don't always agree; For example, I don't think it's unrealistic to expect him to want to or be able to talk/chat with me on a long drive in the car when I'm doing the driving and I let him know the conversation would keep me alert, after a night of not enough sleep...but if I express that, he acts like I'm inconveniencing him or asking too much of him. So instead of demanding that he see my point of view, I simply initiate the conversation, and he responded minimally.

I try to keep my expectations realistic, and I'm wondering the thoughts on this from people who have been married awhile and are happy.

I expect that he cares for me, respects me, and is happy to be with me (spend time with me, do things with me, talk to me, etc.)
He may perceive that I have unrealistic expectations...but from my pov, it's when i sense he's not expressing one of those 3 basic things, that I have a problem. It's when he sends a message that I'm annoying to him rather than a pleasure to have by his side.
What I can admit is unrealistic for me to expect is for him to agree with me on something if he simply doesn't, say exactly what I want to hear, or respond in a particular way.

So how have you learned in your marriages what your realistic expectations are of your spouse, and do you have any advice for me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greeneyeddolphin

Well, we're not married, not too happy at the moment, and I don't know if my expectations are realistic or not (we're working on figuring that out as part of the process of trying to fix us), but I figured I'd share them with you anyway. If nothing else, maybe we'll both find out if we're being unrealistic. 

My conscious expectations of him are: 

1. Respect - this includes not talking down to me or acting as though I'm an idiot, not trying to control me or tell me what to do. 

2. Honesty - I expect him to not lie to me. This also includes not putting on a happy face when we have a problem, but instead being honest and telling me that he feels we have a problem and what it is. 

3. Consideration - While I want honesty, I also expect him to consider what he's about to say and make sure that not only it is what he wants to say, but that he uses a tone that is appropriate to the situation. He's a very logical thinking sort of man, and he uses the least amount of words possible. Which is fine, but he doesn't always consider that when you're using the least amount of words possible, tone is even more important, as the same words can sound very different depending on your tone. And he will get mad at me for misinterpreting his words and not understand that it's not his words that I have a problem with, it's his tone. When the tone says you think I'm an idiot, it's a lot harder to take the words at face value. 

4. Fidelity - I expect him not to cheat on me. Simple as that. 

5. Affection - I expect affection, physical and verbal. I expect to hear I love you, I expect to be kissed and hugged and held. I do not expect him to hang all over me, nor do I want him to, but I do expect him to initiate some affection on a fairly regular basis. 

6. Conversation - I do not expect him to necessarily fulfill all of my conversational needs, but given the closeness our relationship should have by it's nature, I expect him to be able to fulfill most of them, if need be. I know he's not into things like entertainment and TV shows, so I try not to talk to him about those things and instead rely on my friends who are interested in those type things for that. But at the same time, I would also expect him to know that I'm not interested in quantum physics, and find someone who is to talk to about that. And given that we spend most of our time talking to each other, that's not necessarily reasonable either, so instead I expect some give and take: He talks to me about quantum physics, I learn a little about it and express some interest, and he returns the favor by expressing a bit of interest when I complain about Miley Cyrus making the news for smoking a bong. 

There may be other expectations that I have, that I haven't really realized I have yet. But these are the basics. I don't think I'm unreasonable, or unrealistic, but I'm doing some real thinking on this to be sure.


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## Mom6547

credamdóchasgra said:


> I wanted to post this question in the "long term success" forum specifically.
> 
> Having realistic expectatons of each other and ourselves is something our therapist wants us to work on, and whenever we have a tiff, my husband tends to think I'm expecting something from him that is unrealistic. Sometimes I can see his point, but I don't always agree; For example, I don't think it's unrealistic to expect him to want to or be able to talk/chat with me on a long drive in the car when I'm doing the driving and I let him know the conversation would keep me alert, after a night of not enough sleep...but if I express that, he acts like I'm inconveniencing him or asking too much of him. So instead of demanding that he see my point of view, I simply initiate the conversation, and he responded minimally.


While I agree that we need to have realistic expectations, it is concerning to me that your DH does not want to be helpful. In addition to trying to limit your expectations of each other to the "reasonable," do you also talk about the desire to be helpful to one another?




> I try to keep my expectations realistic, and I'm wondering the thoughts on this from people who have been married awhile and are happy.


Realistic is defined not by the person doing the expecting but the person expected of. There is no objective set of reasonable expectations. As good will increases, the set of things a person is going to consider reasonable for them to do will also increase.



> I expect that he cares for me, respects me, and is happy to be with me (spend time with me, do things with me, talk to me, etc.)
> He may perceive that I have unrealistic expectations...but from my pov, it's when i sense he's not expressing one of those 3 basic things, that I have a problem. It's when he sends a message that I'm annoying to him rather than a pleasure to have by his side.


One of the scariest, most hurtful and most productive honest things my husband said to me back in the bad days was that I was being "too needy." But it really made me think. I was spending all my time expecting HIM to make me happy, be with me, prove to me he loved me. I never let us just BE.

Yah sometimes he doesn't want to BE (with big relationship emphasis) with me. Sometimes he wants to veg out and daydream, watch tv, go mountain bike riding with friends. 

By increasing my self esteem, by investing in interests of my own, by giving him freedom, I INCREASED his desire to be with me by DECREASING the pressure to do so.




> What I can admit is unrealistic for me to expect is for him to agree with me on something if he simply doesn't, say exactly what I want to hear, or respond in a particular way.
> 
> So how have you learned in your marriages what your realistic expectations are of your spouse, and do you have any advice for me?


I guess stop worrying so much about what you EXPECT from HIM and start worrying a lot more about how to meet HIS needs. Rebuild a dynamic of mutual helpfulness, etc..


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## MarriedWifeInLove

Expectations are subjective. What I think are reasonable, someone else thinks are too much and vice versa.

My expectations are actually very simple, but still don't get met. So I've given up trying to get my needs met and have concentrated on meeting his needs - while this has made him happier, it has just made me more miserable - because of course all of his needs are getting met and I'm just flapping in the wind!

1. Treat me in a way that shows you love me. I don't need to hear it, its just words - show me. Initiate a hug for no reason, be the first to start a kiss, tell me I look nice today, reach out for me, don't tell me NO all the time - anything!

That's my list. Pretty short and pretty simple and yes, I've told my husband this and he still does nothing - he didn't used to be like this and besides his health issues I don't know what else has changed and he won't discuss it - so I guess I'll just plod along as is until I get royally fed up.


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## tattoomommy

I don't think it's realistic that you expect him to be happy to be with you all the time. I think you will set yourself up for some disappointment there. There are days I fall in love with my husband all over again and it feels like the beginning, the butterflies and all. Then there are also days I could kick him to the curb and not care. I'M MOODY. That's what it comes down to. If I'm discontent with something, I take it out on him and expect him to make it better. That's not his job- to make me happy. I need to find contentment with myself and create it myself. If I expect him to make me happy, or that I should always be happy with him (and him always happy with me) it'll never happen. It just isn't realistic. 

As far as what I expect... I can't actually say. I go to start a list and it keeps growing and I start writing things I don't actually mean. I think what I want most from my husband is respect and that he upholds our marriage vows. For better is easy, but for worse is hard. If we can make it through the hard times, there are surely better ones to come. Interesting though to think about.


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## Blanca

credamdóchasgra said:


> For example, I don't think it's unrealistic to expect him to want to or be able to talk/chat with me on a long drive in the car when I'm doing the driving and I let him know the conversation would keep me alert, after a night of not enough sleep...but if I express that, he acts like I'm inconveniencing him or asking too much of him. So instead of demanding that he see my point of view, I simply initiate the conversation, and he responded minimally.


This is a great example of poor boundaries. He clearly communicated his boundary to you and you brushed it aside. That's not respectful. He has a right to be upset. There's no love in a relationship when you dont give your spouse a free choice. He had no real choice. you backed him into a corner. it was your way or you'd punish him by getting upset. If he did comply with you he'd be resentful and probably pick a fight with you. either way its a lose/lose for you both.

In this situation here is how a healthy boundary would work. You ask him, Im tired can you talk to me while im driving? he says, no. Instead of trying to force past his boundary you set boundaries on yourself by driving as much as you are comfortable with and then pulling over. take a break. come up with something else to keep you alert. or better yet, dont drive when you havent gotten enough sleep. Its a poor choice by you and your H is not responsible to make it ok for you.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

tattoomommy said:


> I don't think it's realistic that you expect him to be happy to be with you all the time. I think you will set yourself up for some disappointment there. There are days I fall in love with my husband all over again and it feels like the beginning, the butterflies and all. Then there are also days I could kick him to the curb and not care. I'M MOODY. That's what it comes down to. If I'm discontent with something, I take it out on him and expect him to make it better. That's not his job- to make me happy. I need to find contentment with myself and create it myself. If I expect him to make me happy, or that I should always be happy with him (and him always happy with me) it'll never happen. It just isn't realistic.
> 
> As far as what I expect... I can't actually say. I go to start a list and it keeps growing and I start writing things I don't actually mean. I think what I want most from my husband is respect and that he upholds our marriage vows. For better is easy, but for worse is hard. If we can make it through the hard times, there are surely better ones to come. Interesting though to think about.


Those vows of "for better or worse", and "in sickness and health" are probably the reasons I'm still around. 

But they are getting tested more and more every day.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

Blanca said:


> This is a great example of poor boundaries. He clearly communicated his boundary to you and you brushed it aside. That's not respectful. He has a right to be upset. There's no love in a relationship when you dont give your spouse a free choice. He had no real choice. you backed him into a corner. it was your way or you'd punish him by getting upset. If he did comply with you he'd be resentful and probably pick a fight with you. either way its a lose/lose for you both.
> 
> In this situation here is how a healthy boundary would work. You ask him, Im tired can you talk to me while im driving? he says, no. Instead of trying to force past his boundary you set boundaries on yourself by driving as much as you are comfortable with and then pulling over. take a break. come up with something else to keep you alert. or better yet, dont drive when you havent gotten enough sleep. Its a poor choice by you and your H is not responsible to make it ok for you.


While I understand boundaries as much as the next guy - what about her feelings, opinions, etc.? Do they not have any consideration when "he" is setting up his boundaries - I'd be willing to bet she takes "his" into consideration when she's setting up hers.

And while we're at it - have you ever taken a long drive with your husband and he refused to talk to you? I have and it sucks big time - makes you feel that you are so interesting that your own husband can't even be bothered to have a simple conversation with you. 

And, look at it this way - he's in the car, she's driving and she's getting tired - you would think he would care about his own safety enough to keep her awake while she's driving!

Sounds like a husband who just doesn't care enough to compromise in some small way with his spouse. Why is it that the wife always has to be the first one to give in or compromise? Why can't the husband take the first step and adjust his boundaries and compromise?

Marriage is a give and take on BOTH sides - but you find a lot of marriages where just ONE side is doing all the giving while the other ONE is doing all the taking.

Research shows that when a man cheats, a woman is more likely to forgive and keep the marriage going - but when a woman cheats, a man is less likely to forgive and want to end the marriage. I wonder why?


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## Mom6547

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Marriage is a give and take on BOTH sides - but you find a lot of marriages where just ONE side is doing all the giving while the other ONE is doing all the taking.


The problem is by the time it gets to that, there is usually a whole ton of missed assumptions and misunderstandings to lead to a big ol' pile of resentment. It takes SOMEONE to change that dynamic.

But many people would rather fight about who is RIGHT.


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## Blanca

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> While I understand boundaries as much as the next guy - what about her feelings, opinions, etc.? Do they not have any consideration when "he" is setting up his boundaries - I'd be willing to bet she takes "his" into consideration when she's setting up hers.
> 
> And while we're at it - have you ever taken a long drive with your husband and he refused to talk to you? I have and it sucks big time - makes you feel that you are so interesting that your own husband can't even be bothered to have a simple conversation with you.
> 
> And, look at it this way - he's in the car, she's driving and she's getting tired - you would think he would care about his own safety enough to keep her awake while she's driving!
> 
> Sounds like a husband who just doesn't care enough to compromise in some small way with his spouse. Why is it that the wife always has to be the first one to give in or compromise? Why can't the husband take the first step and adjust his boundaries and compromise?
> 
> Marriage is a give and take on BOTH sides - but you find a lot of marriages where just ONE side is doing all the giving while the other ONE is doing all the taking.
> 
> Research shows that when a man cheats, a woman is more likely to forgive and keep the marriage going - but when a woman cheats, a man is less likely to forgive and want to end the marriage. I wonder why?


You have very poor boundaries *MWV*. I would strongly suggest you read Boundaries in Marriage by cloud and townsend. dr.phil has a good one too, Relationship Rescue.

My H does not talk in the car. He doesnt talk much period. It used to upset me a lot.


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## greenpearl

I just consider myself lucky that my husband is meeting all of my expectation. But I didn't know if I had high expectation for him. He has remained to be the man I fell in love with. 

I don't expect him to give me flowers or gifts. I don't expect him to give me loving cards. I don't expect him to remember my birthday. I don't expect him to treat me specially on Valentine's Day. 

I don't expect romantic dinner with candle lights, I am just practical to know that this is not his nature.

I don't expect him to make a lot of money, as long as he is working and fulfilling his responsibility. 

I don't expect him to agree with me all the time, since very often I say silly things. If he disagrees with me, I learn more from him. 

I don't expect him to give me compliments all the time. I pat myself all the time when I do something good, it is just some fun we have for each other. 

I don't expect him to spoil me, I know I am a wife, I should shoulder my responsibility as a wife. 

I don't expect a lot, what I expect is basic, a faithful and responsible man. But I feel I get a lot, maybe we just match and we just understand each other.


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## greenpearl

If you expect less, then you won't feel upset that he doesn't fulfill your expectation, then he doesn't need to spend hours to comfort you, then he is happy, then he is happy to do other things for you. 

Vicious circle and good circle, which one would you prefer?

You expect less, you actually get more, how many people can understand this?


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## Mom6547

greenpearl said:


> You expect less, you actually get more, how many people can understand this?


This is so true. I thank my lucky stars for the day I learned this lesson!


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## MarriedWifeInLove

vthomeschoolmom said:


> The problem is by the time it gets to that, there is usually a whole ton of missed assumptions and misunderstandings to lead to a big ol' pile of resentment. It takes SOMEONE to change that dynamic.
> 
> But many people would rather fight about who is RIGHT.


True. :iagree:


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## MarriedWifeInLove

Blanca said:


> You have very poor boundaries *MWV*. I would strongly suggest you read Boundaries in Marriage by cloud and townsend. dr.phil has a good one too, Relationship Rescue.
> 
> My H does not talk in the car. He doesnt talk much period. It used to upset me a lot.


Thanks - but I'd have to politely disagree. 

To me, marriage is a give and take. If you can't bend something that really bothers me, then I can't be expected to bend something that really bothers you.

My husband knew I liked to talk BEFORE he married me and while he has always been quiet, he talked a lot more for quite a few years than he does now. He knows, as I've expressed it a million times, that his silence really bothers me - could he open up a little more? Just a little, I'm not asking him to become the next Oprah. But apparently what bothers me is not important. It bothers him that I talk all the time, so I've pulled back so I don't get on his nerves as much - I bended, but he can't? What the hell has that got to do with boundaries?

I, as a lot of women, have bended, compromised, etc., to keep my marriage going - at this point in my life I'm tired of always being the giver...call it that time of year or whatever.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

greenpearl said:


> If you expect less, then you won't feel upset that he doesn't fulfill your expectation, then he doesn't need to spend hours to comfort you, then he is happy, then he is happy to do other things for you.
> 
> Vicious circle and good circle, which one would you prefer?
> 
> You expect less, you actually get more, how many people can understand this?


Okay, well tell me this. 

I understand the expect less, you get more.

And while you are practicing that and it works for you, has your husband actually lowered his expectations on what he wants from you too?

This really chaps my a**. Why should I have to lower my expectations that my husband show that he loves me? Am I not a good enough person that I can expect the man who pledged to love me "till death do us part" actually do so?

What happens when you expect less and still get less - do you have any words of wisdom for that?

While not every shoe fits everyone, not every solution to relationships fits everyone either. What works for you, might not work for me and vice versa.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

greenpearl said:


> I just consider myself lucky that my husband is meeting all of my expectation. But I didn't know if I had high expectation for him. He has remained to be the man I fell in love with.
> 
> I don't expect him to give me flowers or gifts. I don't expect him to give me loving cards. I don't expect him to remember my birthday. I don't expect him to treat me specially on Valentine's Day.
> 
> I don't expect romantic dinner with candle lights, I am just practical to know that this is not his nature.
> 
> I don't expect him to make a lot of money, as long as he is working and fulfilling his responsibility.
> 
> I don't expect him to agree with me all the time, since very often I say silly things. If he disagrees with me, I learn more from him.
> 
> I don't expect him to give me compliments all the time. I pat myself all the time when I do something good, it is just some fun we have for each other.
> 
> I don't expect him to spoil me, I know I am a wife, I should shoulder my responsibility as a wife.
> 
> I don't expect a lot, what I expect is basic, a faithful and responsible man. But I feel I get a lot, maybe we just match and we just understand each other.


I also don't expect flowers and gifts and have never been a gift person and that's great - because I don't get any.

I don't expect him to remember my birthday and that's great - because for half our marriage he's forgotten.

I don't expect him to remember holidays that I have expresed are important to me and that's great - because he doesn't.

I don't expect a romantic dinner with candlelight and that's great - because it's never happened.

I don't expect him to make a lot of money and that's great - he never has and still doesn't.

I don't expect him to agree with me and that's great - because you have to really talk to me to disagree.

I don't expect compliments all the time and that's great - because I don't get any.

I don't expect my husband to spoil me - and that's great - because he doesn't.

I don't expect a lot and that's great - because I don't get a lot.

Get my point here? I don't have any lofty expectations and guess what - that's great - because if I had any they wouldn't get met anyway.

So I guess we're on the same page.

It seems like to me that you expect nothing, so how can you possibly ever be disappointed? You get exactly what you expect!


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## Mom6547

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Okay, well tell me this.
> 
> I understand the expect less, you get more.
> 
> And while you are practicing that and it works for you, has your husband actually lowered his expectations on what he wants from you too?


In our case, two things happened. I was the neediest of the two of us. He didn't need much from me but to be happy and not nag and control him. So the first thing that happened was personal growth on my part to
- not read a bunch of stuff he didn't mean into ever action he took.
- stop thinking of many of the things as needs which were really not, sooth my own self
- stop viewing jealousy as a mature expression of love.

The second thing that happened was strange. Once I did not *expect* those things I wanted, and once I stopped demanding, naggging, cajoling, he started being willing to try to give them to me! 

We did not expect less of each other, but MORE. But there was a lot of love built up that increased the desire to meet the expectations.

That was us. I don't know if that is your scene.




> This really chaps my a**. Why should I have to lower my expectations that my husband show that he loves me? Am I not a good enough person that I can expect the man who pledged to love me "till death do us part" actually do so?


Well bear in mind what it looks like to love someone looks different to each of us. 

I don't particularly care for touch as a form of expressing love. It is HUGE for DH. I have to train myself to HEAR I love you in that. When what I really want to feel is GET OFF ME. Because holy cow I love you so much is really what he is TRYING to say. He does try to say it my way too, with words of affirmation too. 




> What happens when you expect less and still get less - do you have any words of wisdom for that?


Leave him? I am not even really joking. The expecting less is supposed to be a vehicle for personal growth, *and a dynamic changer.* It is not meant to be a way to live with less than what your deserve forever.



> While not every shoe fits everyone, not every solution to relationships fits everyone either. What works for you, might not work for me and vice versa.


True dat. The real kicker is you don't get to know the outcome until you try.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

vthomeschoolmom said:


> In our case, two things happened. I was the neediest of the two of us. He didn't need much from me but to be happy and not nag and control him. So the first thing that happened was personal growth on my part to
> - not read a bunch of stuff he didn't mean into ever action he took.
> - stop thinking of many of the things as needs which were really not, sooth my own self
> - stop viewing jealousy as a mature expression of love.
> 
> The second thing that happened was strange. Once I did not *expect* those things I wanted, and once I stopped demanding, naggging, cajoling, he started being willing to try to give them to me!
> 
> We did not expect less of each other, but MORE. But there was a lot of love built up that increased the desire to meet the expectations.
> 
> That was us. I don't know if that is your scene.
> 
> 
> 
> Well bear in mind what it looks like to love someone looks different to each of us.
> 
> I don't particularly care for touch as a form of expressing love. It is HUGE for DH. I have to train myself to HEAR I love you in that. When what I really want to feel is GET OFF ME. Because holy cow I love you so much is really what he is TRYING to say. He does try to say it my way too, with words of affirmation too.
> 
> 
> 
> Leave him? I am not even really joking. The expecting less is supposed to be a vehicle for personal growth, *and a dynamic changer.* It is not meant to be a way to live with less than what your deserve forever.
> 
> 
> 
> True dat. The real kicker is you don't get to know the outcome until you try.


Appreciate the input.

I have TRIED the expecting less and just giving and not worrying about what I'm getting back and guess what I got - the same thing I was getting - nothing changed. I expected that the less I expected then the more he might be willing to give - but that didn't work in my situation.

I've actually come to the point where I expect nothing and it's exactly what I get.

I'm still doing what I should and want to do. I'm still being the responsible and loving wife, I just get nothing back and it's gotten to the point where I've become apathetic about the entire situation - which he can tell - but still can't figure out what his role in it is - it's all me, my fault - well issues in a relationship never belong to just one person, do they?

I don't want to leave and have made the decision to stay - for now - but I don't know if I can hold out forever, guess time will tell.


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## credamdóchasgra

Well, my friends..,
I didn't even look back at this post in the past day because it hadn't gotten any replies the first day.
I only have a couple minutes, but I want to comment on the one part that really concerned me: the talking in the car...
Here are my insights based on what's gone on between me and hubs lately:
1. He was tired too. He'd just woken from a nap right before the drive. Our drive was only an hour and a half, not crazy long.
2. We've had some doozies of fights on our drives. Chances are he fears that and wants to avoid it.
3. While I did convey that talking would "help me," I also see how it came across as a demand.
----and if he perceives something as a demand, he won't be happy to do it.
4. I did get the conversation I needed, albeit cranky. But I give myself credit for just simply making light conversation and not getting all whiney and critical about it.

Now...we have a 5-hour drive coming up next Thursday evening.
We used to have fun with this: "yay, road trip!" but lately it's been this uncomfortable silence.
We used to have some of our best conversations as we drove. I miss that, and I also don't want to fight on the drives.
I guess I'll just treat it like "yay, road trip!" and hope that it is one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Okay, well tell me this.
> 
> I understand the expect less, you get more.
> 
> And while you are practicing that and it works for you, has your husband actually lowered his expectations on what he wants from you too?
> 
> This really chaps my a**. Why should I have to lower my expectations that my husband show that he loves me? Am I not a good enough person that I can expect the man who pledged to love me "till death do us part" actually do so?
> 
> What happens when you expect less and still get less - do you have any words of wisdom for that?
> 
> While not every shoe fits everyone, not every solution to relationships fits everyone either. What works for you, might not work for me and vice versa.


My husband already told me that some people would come up with this idea, what if you expect less and get less? 

Well. I have no words to say about this! 

I don't expect, so I don't feel upset that I don't get! Simple!

I expect less, I don't get upset, I don't nag, I don't whine, I don't complain, I have a happy mind. That's what I get. Isn't this more? My husband is also happy that I don't fight with 

him all the time, I don't make him feel that he is not doing enough for me, then he appreciates me more, then he loves me more, then he does a lot of sweet things to show me his 

appreciation. Isn't this more?


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## greenpearl

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Okay, well tell me this.
> 
> I understand the expect less, you get more.
> 
> And while you are practicing that and it works for you, has your husband actually lowered his expectations on what he wants from you too?
> 
> This really chaps my a**. Why should I have to lower my expectations that my husband show that he loves me? Am I not a good enough person that I can expect the man who pledged to love me "till death do us part" actually do so?
> 
> What happens when you expect less and still get less - do you have any words of wisdom for that?
> 
> While not every shoe fits everyone, not every solution to relationships fits everyone either. What works for you, might not work for me and vice versa.


First, from your posts, I know you are struggling a lot in your life, so I don't want to say things to cause you pain. Hope that you can find your peace through whatever way you find good for you. 

My husband doesn't have much expectation for me, he wanted a kind woman and one who can have intelligent conversation with him. It happens that I have these. 

I just surprise him all the time with other good qualities I have. 

Well, his luck!


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## credamdóchasgra

@vt, what you describe as how you and your DH used to be, sounds similar to us.
So it gives me hope.
Ive found that if I'm getting something anyway, I won't feel I need it. Interesting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurtinindy

My exectations were for my husband to respect me to give u the things that hurt me and to realize that he had a family and that we were his responsibilty. I didn't get any of those things and I overheard him on the heone tell someone that he is only trying to take care of his children. That leaves me out.


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## Threetimesalady

That is easy...To be there for me as I am for him...Through eternity my love, through eternity....


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## Blanca

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> He knows, as I've expressed it a million times, that his silence really bothers me - could he open up a little more? Just a little, I'm not asking him to become the next Oprah. But apparently what bothers me is not important. It bothers him that I talk all the time, so I've pulled back so I don't get on his nerves as much - I bended, but he can't?


Let me ask you, how is this philosophy working for you?


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## Pandakiss

loving me for me, careing for me and takeing my feelings into consideration...not hogging the tv [lol]. 

accepting me for me. doing kind things not expecting to get a return on it, and being gen happy that the favor was returned.

smileing and saying it was good, even if i burned the chicken, and not calling to out in a mean way, and saying sorry if it hurt my feelings.

not lying to me...about major stuff. let me be drama, and not getting overly involved with it.


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## madimoff

I sooooo relate to the conversation in the car scenario, and can take it a step further in that he won't drive my car and was stunned one day when I asked him 'but what happens if I break my leg, who's going to take (our son) to school?' .... 

Expectations. Another interesting one, particularly since the OP mentioned being found annoying, or a nuisance, or something, by her hub. I get this so much. If I start to speak then realise (too late) that heś reading the paper, I'm interrupting and being inconsiderate. If heś talking to our son about some homework issue, and I join in (not when heś speaking, you understand, but simply join in) then Iḿ undermining and taking over. My expectation of a permanent relationship was that communication wouldn't be such a problem. 
Only last night on the phone I was told when he arrives tonight he doesn't want to waste time talking about the small stuff. Right that sounds fair enough, itś the draining the swamp syndrome, don't spend your life hassling about minutae. However the reason this came up was because of problems parenting our 8yo when he's not here about 40% of the time... and when there's a problem and he decides to help, sometimes itś by saying 'do what mummy says' and sometimes he just lays down a set of parameters to our son & I'm left being the majority parenter yet with input from abroad (literally!) which doesn't necessarily take account of whatś gone before. And my expectation of a relationship is that I should (or anyone, man or woman) be able to just express this niggle without being made to feel a pain in the **** .

But maybe this isn't actually anything to do with expectations for most people, and it is for me only because communication is at a premium because we don't live together fulltime.


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## moonangel

What I don't get is why you expect him to start a conversation or keep a conversation with you and then get mad if he doesn't.

When we drive or anything I always enjoy starting the conversation. Sometimes when things get too quiet, I'll say, "So, what's on your mind?" or "Whatcha think'n?" and based on his reaction or answer, I'll either joke with him or have a serious conversation. Most the time he'll say, he's thinking about watches, trucks, manly things that I really don't care for.


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## FCHAVEZ

greenpearl said:


> You expect less, you actually get more, how many people can understand this?


Wow that is good! I can say that I told my husband I expect this from you and that from you. Then one day we were having an argument and he came out and told me I don't do this and that because I feel like you are trying to change me and you don't like the person I already am...Wow did that hit me in the face. I love the man I married and I would never want to change him. Thats when I realized that all I needed was to know that my H loved me and he is my bestfriend.


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## LSU Fan

I expect my spouse to...LOVE me.
And she does. And once she does that 100% all else falls into place


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## eli

Hello 
I just joined yesterday and asked a similar question. There is no template for long term marriage is there? As for expectations - well these days it's more about realizations and disappointments. Sounds grim but I think after the kids have gone and the career has settled (!) it's a big wake up call. All the things we put up with in the background come screaming to the front. As I grow older I wonder if this really is as good as it gets?


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## TimGoode

Wow! Part of this sounded like a cat fight. There are a lot of good and valid points being made. There is also a LOT of room for growth. Men inherently know that relationships and communication are women's forte and not their own. Men get easily (and often quickly) overwhelmed when dealing with emotion. Dr. John Gottman terms this being "flooded." We need coaching, training, and gentle nudging to grow in our ability to learn competency in something that is natural in the toolbox of women. 

Many of these expectations should have been negotiated, voiced, and encouraged during the dating/courtship process. If they were met at that point but H dropped them later, that is deception and needs to be addressed - not requiring decapitation rather accountability. Both parties need acknowledgement of the behaviors that are good and endearing. Otherwise, the existing effort may disappear. 

Both partners deserve respect, boundaries to honored, communication both verbal and physical that is positive, and endorsement of opportunities to grow and flourish as individuals and as a unified couple.

So - define what your world should look like in a marriage. Invite your partner to join you in the adventure. If substantive objections are raised, consider whether a negotiated compromise is possible. If not or if the objection is insincere, start living as the best spouse you can be - for the benefit of your growth. In the two-income family arrangements we see in today's world, that can be challenging for an uncooperative partner. 

You don't need permission to be the best person you can be. The resulting product of your efforts will usually produce some level of change in your "Honey."

Tim
www.asuccessfulmarriage.om


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## KJ5000

*Treat me the way you want to be treated
*Accept my flaws as I do yours
*Meet in the middle if we have opposing views on certain things
*Show and give affection
That's it. 

We've been happily married for 14 years and with the exception of 1 or 2 rough patches(during one of which I discovered this website:smthumbup, it's worked for us.


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## BigToe

I think you have a right to have expectations of respect, honesty, and fidelity. Everything else is compromising on the continual evolution and changes that occur in the marriage. Sometimes you might meet in the middle, sometimes he wins, sometimes she wins. Marriage is not a mathematical equation that always results in the same answer through eternity, it changes as people change through their life.


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