# Revenge cheating?



## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

I'm curious if any one else who's been cheated on has ever fantasizes about revenge cheating. When did you fantasize about it? Right afterwords, days, months, years later? Did you act on it?

I was cheated on in 2008 (Oct 19.. You never truly forget do you?) and during the week I kicked him out I was Soo mad I would have probably done it.. Now years later I've been fantasizing about it again but that's all it'll ever be... It's a great fantasy but it's not real.

Now I feel awful.. Is it normal to fantasize about it and picture how it might teach them a lesson?

What are some of your stories of dealing with fantasies of revenge cheating? I'm truly curious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Single Malt (May 2, 2013)

No, never a desire to revenge cheat. Not going to compromise my principles and become what I despise.

Not only that I wouldn't blame a woman if she didn't want to be with me if she found out I cheated, no matter what the reason.


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## Whenwillitend (Jul 25, 2012)

I got cheated on twice. Once after a long time of issues and once when I thought we were doing OK just to find out she was seeing some else a year later. Every day I struggle between not wanting to be the same person that she is ( now on meds, different story) and just saying F..k it I'm just going to do the same thing. If I did I would not feel bad for a second though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

KimatraAKM said:


> I'm curious if any one else who's been cheated on has ever fantasizes about revenge cheating. When did you fantasize about it? Right afterwords, days, months, years later? Did you act on it?
> 
> I was cheated on in 2008 (Oct 19.. You never truly forget do you?) and during the week I kicked him out I was Soo mad I would have probably done it.. Now years later I've been fantasizing about it again but that's all it'll ever be... It's a great fantasy but it's not real.
> 
> ...


I had no fantasies about revenge cheating. But I did revenge cheat, any way. And the reality was not good. But we are still together.

Are revenge fantasies normal? For the BS? Yes, I would say so.


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

Whenwillitend said:


> I got cheated on twice. Once after a long time of issues and once when I thought we were doing OK just to find out she was seeing some else a year later. Every day I struggle between not wanting to be the same person that she is ( now on meds, different story) and just saying F..k it I'm just going to do the same thing. If I did I would not feel bad for a second though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


See this is where I am too. Hubbies cheated three times, once EA, once PA(I forgave as it was partially my fault) and 1 EA while I was pregnant.

Do you ever regret those feelings? Ever worry one day you might get angry and act on it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I had no fantasies about revenge cheating. But I did revenge cheat, any way. And the reality was not good. But we are still together.


What happened? Did you tell your girlfriend/wife? Did you have massive guilt? How did it work out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

I wanted to revenge cheat just so she could feel a sliver of the pain that I felt, decided to be a bigger man *cough-NiceGuy* and work on things, she cheated again, I left. Better to leave with your morals intact and the high ground..even if the high ground sucks.


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I had no fantasies about revenge cheating. But I did revenge cheat, any way. And the reality was not good. But we are still together.
> 
> *Are revenge fantasies normal? For the BS? Yes, I would say so.*




True! 
I did revenge cheat and I have lots of resentment toward MH for it. I feel bad about myself. I feel like I'm no good for MH. And I feel like MH is upset but is bottling it all up.


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

lovemylife26 said:


> [/B]
> 
> True!
> I did revenge cheat and I have lots of resentment toward MH for it. I feel bad about myself. I feel like I'm no good for MH. And I feel like MH is upset but is bottling it all up.


So you told? Did the guilt fester inside you or did you feel bad right away? Did it ruin the relationship you use to have?

So sorry to hear everyone's stories... I'm trying to take the moral high ground but D*** it's hard!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

KimatraAKM said:


> What happened? Did you tell your girlfriend/wife? Did you have massive guilt? How did it work out?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I confessed about my EA near PA. We worked it out. I had such guilt that I felt worse than when my wife cheated on me.


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

KimatraAKM said:


> So you told? Did the guilt fester inside you or did you feel bad right away? Did it ruin the relationship you use to have?
> 
> I didn't for a while. I did when it turned into a PA. I felt bad right away, I was getting sick hours later. I think once either spouse cheats the relationship you use to have is long gone. There was a reason why each cheated. I don't want the love we once had that love is gone, that wasn't good enough the 1st time. I need to date him all over again.
> 
> ...


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

lovemylife26 said:


> I didn't for a while. I did when it turned into a PA. I felt bad right away, I was getting sick hours later. I think once either spouse cheats the relationship you use to have is long gone. There was a reason why each cheated. I don't want the love we once had that love is gone, that wasn't good enough the 1st time. I need to date him all over again.


that's an excellent way to put it. Did "dating" again get you both more committed to each other?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

we are still dating. My revenge affair DDay was 2 weeks ago.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

KimatraAKM said:


> So you told? Did the guilt fester inside you or did you feel bad right away? Did it ruin the relationship you use to have?
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Its called evening the score. Its revenge, pure and simple. If you're going to do it, keep your mouth shut and find solace internally. You'll gain nothing by confessing and may start a disastrous, " let see who can hurt the other the most war".
Bottom line its like the Chinese proverb, "before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves"


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

I have all sorts of fantasies.. I just know which ones to keep to myself, and not to act on them... (aka not making a play for x in reality because I think she's attractive in my fantasy) imagination is healthy, fantasize away. As far as revenge cheating itself, that seems to me that you're robbing yourself of something, not the other person. Why would you lower yourself to that level? Keep your head high. Cheating is a scummy thing to do, any way you slice it.. even revenge cheating is cheating, so now you're doing something you know is terrible.. that would be hypocritical.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

It would seem that trying to R and revenge cheating are completely at odds with each other -- oxymoronic. 

And if you aren't going to stay together, what's the revenge factor? There is none.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

doubletrouble said:


> It would seem that trying to R and revenge cheating are completely at odds with each other -- oxymoronic.
> 
> And if you aren't going to stay together, what's the revenge factor? There is none.


There are a number of factors involved. If the original affair was rugswept, for example.

A lot of resentment can build-up.


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## Dday (Mar 31, 2013)

I kind of feel like that it will even the score. Also if I'm going to stay with my WW for the rest of our lives I don't want this hanging over us forever. I feel like I have an advantage now in all arguments and I can play this card when I need it. I don't think that is healthy for us long term. She is my "only" and I was hers until the A, so now I want to see what I'm missing. 

What is stopping me is the fact I don't think she would stay and deep down I really don't want that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

lovemylife26

I read most of your threads. I was very sorry that you lost your mental battle to avoid taking this step. I just wanted to say, I truly hope you don't still see your OM as a friend worthy of talking too. He's a total scumbag. 

I've been in his position before a couple of times, talking to a female friend trying to deal with the heartbreak of infidelity and I would NEVER have taken the steps he did. Only a lowlife piece of garbage takes advantage of a person hurting like that, the end result of which is pouring more gasoline on the fire that's consuming their lives and happiness.

That guy is in dire need of a beatdown.


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

I am a WH and four years after the affair, my wife is now in an EA that will eventually become a PA, either with her current crush or someone else. She honestly feels that she is in love with this person. Although she says she is not doing it out of revenge and is only doing it because she can't help the way she feels about this other person, when she first told me that she had propositioned him she did say something, in the midst of a much longer string of reasons, about wanting to destroy me the way I destroyed her.

From a WH's perspective, one who is deeply in love with his wife and will do anything to make things work with her, I truly hope she doesn't take things any further. I think the idea of revenge is just a fantasy: yes, I am incredibly hurt but not in the sense of feeling betrayed, decieved, etc. I hurt just because the person I love is in love with someone else. But it can never be the same as the hurt I caused her, the playing field can never be levelled, because I am just as responsible for her affair as I was for my own. She would not be in the situation she is in today, had I never done what I did. I feel emotionally destroyed but I don't feel even the smallest bit of anger or resentment towards her because, ultimately, the whole situation is my fault alone.

As utterly horrible and drestructive as my betrayal of her was, at least she has the small comfort of being able to be angry with me and she can take some comfort in the understanding that all of the badness that occurred is on me. I hate to say this because it sounds self-pitying and I would never say it to her, but a WS who is truly remorseful carries a crippling sense of guilt, shame and failure that can never be passed off to anyone else. I don't ever want her to feel like that - to look in the mirror and know that everything you thought you were or ever wanted to be has been permanently trashed as a result of your own stupidity and selfishness. As bad as it is to no longer be able to live with the one person you most loved and trusted, it's something else entirely to not be able to live with yourself. I've wasted the one shot I get at an honorable and worthy life and, because I love her, I hope she never tastes my side.

Don't lower yourself to the level of the WS, it's not a nice place to be. Your revenge will be hollow (either he already feels the pain or he never will, no matter what you do) and you will have damaged yourself in ways that can never be repaired.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I haven't had to ponder this myself yet, however I couldn't do it. As a teen I wanted to hit anything that would hold still long enough, but I realize now that for it to be anything good I need to have feelings for my partner.
In addition, a revenge A would be effectively sinking to WS's level, so I have to say no.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Payback, if you want to call it that, is not the same as transgressing in the first place. 

What separates a RA and the original affair is motive. One is done on an innocent partner who has never strayed, the other is done against someone who has. 

They're both wrong of course, but I don't think they're the same thing. Just IMO. 


Anyways I wouldn't say I've fantasized about it. The thought crossed my mind briefly, but nah. I wouldn't seek someone out to use them as a weapon. 

But I do think, after being cheated on so recently I have all the justification to leave should I wish it. I cannot promise my FWW any relationship stability for quite some time.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Had a very strange discussion on this subject the other night.

All hypothetical - neither of us has cheated (with the minor caveat mentioned elsewhere from before we married) - but the subject came up in connection with a friend whos husband left her for an affair, and now has expressed a desire to get back with his wife.

So, my wife says to me, in that situation, she would feel the need to have an affair of her own, for a couple of weeks. Not to hurt (the hypothetical) cheating husband i.e. me, but because ... (ok, here I didn't quite follow the logic) she would feel the need for some sort of levelling.
And because she couldn't cope with the idea of a stranger, she'd probably go find an ex-boyfriend to make it happen.
... and then she ran through a short list!
"not x, I suspect his wife wouldn't like it ... I think y would be ok - I think he's not with his childrens' mother..."


Bearing in mind she never had sex with any of her exes (she was a virgin when we married - she commented that it would be like scratching an itch...) - does it sound like a reasonable chain of thought? Or is she thinking about this a bit further than you'd expect?

(If the situation was reversed, I like to think I'd go straight for divorce - but who knows how they'd react unless & until it happens?)

In the interest of having an open discussion - and accepting the premise that this would be an affair in response (if not revenge) - I did say that in that situation, I might accept it - but I would need some limits - and would need to tell me anything about it I wanted to know (initially she thought it should be a 2 weeks, no questions asked) - and any PIV sex would have to have protection, otherwise I wouldn't cope. I could probably (in this scenario) handle anything else, I think.

So - I suspect we're slightly over-thinking this - but does it sound unreasonable (from either side)?
Or is it just too weird that we're even able to discuss this?


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Well, I guess I can understand how a revenge cheater can look at it and call it "getting even" - two cheaters, one of them a hypocrite.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

KimatraAKM said:


> I'm curious if any one else who's been cheated on has ever fantasizes about revenge cheating. When did you fantasize about it?
> Off and on it will pop into my head.
> 
> Right afterwords, days, months, years later?
> ...


See what I wrote above. Much of how far I went was due to my boundaries and the emotional pain I was feeling. I have much, much more now than I did then. I will deal with it in an appropriate manner.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

How is it I missed it early?


Dday said:


> I kind of feel like that it will even the score. Also if I'm going to stay with my WW for the rest of our lives *I don't want this hanging over us forever. I feel like I have an advantage now in all arguments and I can play this card when I need it. I don't think that is healthy for us long term.* She is my "only" and I was hers until the A, so now I want to see what I'm missing.
> What is stopping me is the fact I don't think she would stay and deep down I really don't want that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


DDay1, man.
Just the bolded piece. 
Hope you don't get offense but I had the better laugh in ages. One of the most convoluted rationalizations to justify cheating I've ever heard. Very noble.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Acabado said:


> How is it I missed it early?
> DDay1, man.
> Just the bolded piece.
> Hope you don't get offense but I had the better laugh in ages. One of the most convoluted rationalizations to justify cheating I've ever heard. Very noble.


Just in my opinion, my wife was my first. 

It's a strange feeling. It magnifies sex to where you wonder if you made a huge mistake just being with this one person. "Afterall", you think, "if sex is worth risking a family and marriage, it must be the best thing ever, right? "

You can say "No of course that's not true." But there's no way to actually believe that if you've only ever been with one person. You see people throwing their lives away for a few rolls in the hay. It makes you wonder what you've been missing.

The gift of virginity has practical benefits to a husband or wife. In that the virgin has nothing to compare you to. Not to mention I think there's a certain bonding that happens, beyond what could happen with anyone else.

I felt even more betrayed than I would have if I hadn't met her as a virgin. It adds an extra insult.

Don't think I'm condoning cheating. I'm not. Virgin or RA or whatever, in the end it's still wrong.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

On Dday my plan was to screw the memory of my wife away with as many willing women as I could find. The day after Dday the urge was gone. After that there was a woman at work giving me a lot of attention which I enjoyed but I wasn't interested in going further. The attention did help me feel better, and my wife panicking from seeing another woman texting me felt good, though I hate to admit it.


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

I'm starting to think if you're trying to justify a revenge affair it's not really about the revenge. 

It doesn't help anything at all. The guilt you'll live with for the rest of your life is too extreme to risk it. You might like to believe it'll even out your relationship (he cheated so now you have too and you're even!) but it won't. In fact it'll make you feel as bad if not worse then they are... it'll feel hot and wonderful in the moment but as soon as AP walks out the door you'll feel like the dumbest and worst human on earth. You'll realize what a POS you are and feel like crap. Then you'll wonder if you should tell or if since you've learned your lesson you should keep it secret and never do it again.. the drama kills you. 

Your heart kills you too and your mind fills with all the things that could go wrong.. Will BS somehow know by something you say or a look you give? Will WS feel different to BS sexually? What if WS has caught something? What if WS has gotten pregnant or AP pregnant.. 

Does it make you even and avenged? No..

Does it make you feel desirable and wonderful? Heck no..

Don't have a revenge affair....... it sucks..


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Ovid said:


> On Dday my plan was to screw the memory of my wife away with as many willing women as I could find. The day after Dday the urge was gone. After that there was a woman at work giving me a lot of attention which I enjoyed but I wasn't interested in going further. The attention did help me feel better, and my wife panicking from seeing another woman texting me felt good, though I hate to admit it.


I've been out with my wife and had women staring at me, creeping around me, flirting with me *_while she's there_*. 

It makes her jealous, and I admit I do get some enjoyment too. I think that's normal and probably really healthy. Now that she's cheated I think she knows, realistically how precarious the whole thing is. 

I think she now believes me when I told her a few months ago "you have no idea how many women I've turned down." Were I single, I could have slept with at least a dozen women in the last 5 months. I didn't of course. 

Her knowing this makes her squirm. She never looked at me like that. Her head was up her ass and she forgot how smooth I could be. How fast some women could "fall" for me. It had been more than 12 years since I did it to her. I think i forgot it too.

She got lucky with me, and I think she probably realized it too late.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

FourtyPlus said:


> Well, I guess I can understand how a revenge cheater can look at it and call it "getting even" - two cheaters, one of them a hypocrite.


Or so hurt and broken that they act out of character?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wideopn Dave (Apr 11, 2013)

There's an old adage "if you go out seeking revenge, dig two graves"


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I revenge cheated. My H was a hard core serial cheater for years. Did some crazy stuff. I never truly ever got over it, and after years of constant triggers I ended up going crazy and throwing away my values and self worth. And like MattMatt, I ended up feeling worse about my actions than my H's actions. I kicked myself for years, and still wonder how I could have done such a thing. I felt so bad I've stuck around for more of H's cheating. A lot more. 

So all in all. I think revenge cheating is the worst thing anyone can do. To lower yourself down to the bottom of the pit is so not worth it


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So from your other threads I see its no longer a theoretical question and that you chose to have your revenge affair. 

What's your advice to the other readers on if they should do it too?


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> So from your other threads I see its no longer a theoretical question and that you chose to have your revenge affair.
> 
> What's your advice to the other readers on if they should do it too?


I'd advise that it's always a bad idea if you have to ask other peoples options. If you think for even a minute it might be a bad idea it probably is.

Never trade your principles away for something like revenge. Revenge is never a good idea no matter what it is. Be the bigger person and get help before you do something stupid like I did. Don't end up like me..

Feeling bitter is understandable, but get help for it.. don't decide to cure yourself by getting revenge.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I think it really depends. Revenge cheating quickly after being cheated on, before any R work really begins, before your spouse shows any remorse, etc, would be a different event than revenge cheating later on, during R, after the original cheater took a lot of punishment and showed remorse.

I think revenge cheating during sincere R and after making your spouse go through all the remorse and repentance would be one of the cruelest things one human can do to another. That would be just awful. Here you made someone pay for their sins, come groveling to you, etc, you work on the relationship and make good progress, and then you CHEAT back? Ugh.

But I do get the ones that strike back quickly. It's like swinging back at someone who just punched you in the face. Natural tendency for some. Not me. But some.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> So from your other threads I see its no longer a theoretical question and that you chose to have your revenge affair.
> 
> What's your advice to the other readers on if they should do it too?


Attention seeking here at it's finest, IMO.

I suggest instead of looking for excuses as to why you banged someone, you just look in the mirror and suck it up. I promise you that you're gonna be just like SW2.

Why?

Cuz your husband, even with his affairs, thinks that you are a princess. He thinks you are faithful. He thinks he is so f'ng lucky to have you.

How wrong he is and you will continue to let him live this lie.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I was reading an article about the top ten reasons why women cheat. Number seven was revenge cheating. So if you have your not alone. I have often thought about paying my husband back. Haven't at least not yet. I get so little out of him if someone did come along I don't know what I would do but I think I know what he would do. Don't trust him, never will.


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

Thebes said:


> I was reading an article about the top ten reasons why women cheat. Number seven was revenge cheating. So if you have your not alone. I have often thought about paying my husband back. Haven't at least not yet. I get so little out of him if someone did come along I don't know what I would do but I think I know what he would do. Don't trust him, never will.


Let me say this.. it sounds sexy at the time. The revenge only gets you so far though. 

When you're naked and the OM/OW is on top/under you the revenge is gone and you're left with the truth that you did this to yourself. You're cheating and you've just become the worst kind of person.


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## Rollin (May 18, 2013)

lol you and stupidwife2 were in the same situation the other day.

now go look at her thread, she got caught.

just cause you won't tell him doesn't mean he won't find out.


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

Rollin said:


> lol you and stupidwife2 were in the same situation the other day.
> 
> now go look at her thread, she got caught.
> 
> just cause you won't tell him doesn't mean he won't find out.


I saw that. Feel bad for her kids and her husband..

It's never a good thing when a family falls apart. I hope everything works out for her in the end..


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