# I can't reach an orgasm at all..



## Ms.Mya (Jul 12, 2012)

What is it with me? I can't seem to climax unless I use a vibrator. Is that normal? I am 39 and have only been with 2 men in my life (my ex-fiancee and husband). I don't know why... I enjoy sex and will try just about anything but can't climax. Is it me? Am I doing something wrong?


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## J.R.Jefferis (Jun 27, 2012)

I would say this is less your fault and more that of the man trying to please you. If you can climax with a vibrator then clearly nothing is wrong with you from a physical point of view. You should try to talk to your man and help him improve in bed...more extended foreplay in always a good idea.

JR


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

I just posted something similar!! 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/showthread.php?t=51081


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## Ms.Mya (Jul 12, 2012)

@Ano... I know. I read your dilemma too. I don't understand why I have this need for the vibrator. I have tried..and tried.. to do without vibrators for long periods of time... and no climax at all. Can't do it. Now I can masturbate myself and reach it.. but my husband can't do for me.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Ms.Mya said:


> @Ano... I know. I read your dilemma too. I don't understand why I have this need for the vibrator. I have tried..and tried.. to do without vibrators for long periods of time... and no climax at all. Can't do it. Now I can masturbate myself and reach it.. but my husband can't do for me.


dose your husband masterbate you with the same way as when you do it alone?

if not show/tell him what you like.


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## Ms.Mya (Jul 12, 2012)

Ano said:


> I just posted something similar!!
> 
> Dependent on a Vibrator





chillymorn said:


> dose your husband masterbate you with the same way as when you do it alone?
> 
> if not show/tell him what you like.


Yeah he has watched me and tried.. but still no go. I think there's more to the problem though.. this is horrible to say but I'm not physically attracted to him. Maybe that's the problem. He's gained a bunch of weight and even though I want sex badly.. i just do it. I dunno what to do.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Ms.Mya said:


> Yeah he has watched me and tried.. but still no go. I think there's more to the problem though.. this is horrible to say but I'm not physically attracted to him. Maybe that's the problem. He's gained a bunch of weight and even though I want sex badly.. i just do it. I dunno what to do.


ouch!

how much is a bunch of weight?


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## Ms.Mya (Jul 12, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> ouch!
> 
> how much is a bunch of weight?


Like 90 pounds.... puts a damper on things...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sex is a very mental thing for men and women. You may have to tactfully discuss this with him. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Were you able to orgasm with him before he weighed this much? Were you ever physically attracted to him? Do you have kids?


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## Ms.Mya (Jul 12, 2012)

sisters359 said:


> Were you able to orgasm with him before he weighed this much? Were you ever physically attracted to him? Do you have kids?



I have never been able to have an orgasm with him... but then again I've never been physically attracted to him. Now my ex-fiancee, I was extremely attracted to but still didn't climax with him either. :scratchhead:

And yes... I have 3 kids by my husband.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

Doing a good amount of research, I have learned that not all women can orgasm by penetration and strictly by clitoral stimulation only. 

Maybe this is the case?

Have you ever been able to orgasm by a man?


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## OneLoveXo (Jun 5, 2012)

I would recommend doing kettle exercises, and drop the vibrator for a while. I used to never orgasm (except with a rabbit), but since my bf started stimulating me more it's slowly coming back, at first it was very weak but its slowly getting better. If I was doing it more often ity would have probably progressed faster.

Have you ever spend enough time learning your own body? I try to masturbate once in a while, and figure what I like, than I teach it to my bf, he is getting A LOT better with it. Get to know your body and what you like, take sometime for some self love without vibrator. It will take time but you have to be patient and do those kettle exercises!


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Google clitoral over stimulation. I mean how can a man compete with a 300 rpm vibrator. It isn't possible. Put the vibrators down. Use them after your clitoris doesn't need an atomic bomb to set it off.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that I have the same problem, even though I've never used a vibrator in my life. I think it's mental.

Do you have a history of abuse?

I don't think the weight issue is helping much at all... Have you talked with your husband about this??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chrissyl0ve (Jul 14, 2012)

I can't orgasm from sex either...I don't use a vibrator but I can make myself orgasm. I thought that was a normal thing for girls...really hard to orgasm from sex.


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## StrangerInTheAlps (Jul 3, 2012)

Ms.Mya said:


> I have never been able to have an orgasm with him... but then again I've never been physically attracted to him. Now my ex-fiancee, I was extremely attracted to but still didn't climax with him either. :scratchhead:
> 
> And yes... I have 3 kids by my husband.


You say you are not attracted to him, so do it in the dark. Even so, does your body respond (get wet/aroused) at all? If so, then is there a position that feels best to you? Concentrate on what works and fantasize about things that DO turn you on. Most women can orgasm (many of them multiples) when on top controlling the movements and depth of penetration to hit "the spot". Try straddling him and grind away with it buried as deep as it will go. While you do this, have him gently bite/suck/lick your nipples, your neck, and grab your butt and work you back and forth on him HARD, then alternately let you control it for a while. If he can last for 10-15 minutes of this, your clit and insides should be worked up good and you should cream pretty hard.


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## Elle Black (Jul 14, 2012)

chrissyl0ve and Ms.Mya,

It's very, very common for women not to be able to orgasm during intercourse. In fact 75% of women don't reach orgasm during intercourse so you are both in the majority!

We've just written an article about how to reach orgasm during intercourse, haven't linked to it here as this is our first post and don't want to appear spammy! 

Most women need direct clitoral stimulation while making love in order to climax. So either you or your partner can stimulate your clitoris or you can try a vibrator like a bullet vibrator or a couples vibrator like the We Vibe 3. 

A previous poster mentioned doing some pelvic floor exercises and I would recommend those to anyone who has had children or is over 35. It will make it much easier to reach orgasm during intercourse.

Good luck.


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## Ms.Mya (Jul 12, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that I have the same problem, even though I've never used a vibrator in my life. I think it's mental.
> 
> Do you have a history of abuse?
> 
> ...


Yes we have talked about the weight issue and he can't seem to lose the weight. I try to keep myself slim, but he can't and cont to gain more. 

As for the abuse? I can honestly say that he's borderline mentally abusive. He's always telling me that I don't do something right or something is always my fault. Whenever anything is wrong in our house.. it's my fault. I think that it's more of his insecurities that is reflecting in his verbal punishment towards me. 

As for my childhood.. there has never been any type of abuse towards me. I had a good childhood.:scratchhead:


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Ms.Mya said:


> I have never been able to have an orgasm with him... but then again I've never been physically attracted to him. Now my ex-fiancee, I was extremely attracted to but still didn't climax with him either. :scratchhead:
> 
> And yes... I have 3 kids by my husband.


So you married a man that you were never physically attracted to and have three kids now -- and still remember how attracted you were to ex fiancee.

This could be a guess -- but maybe your husband has gained the weight because he resents being married to a woman who never found him attractive. Maybe gaining weight is his mechanism for never having to have sex ever again with a woman who doesn't love.

You need to go to IC --and fix your head and decide your future about remaining to stay married -- then worrying about having an orgasm.

Of course this is just my opinion !!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Ms.Mya said:


> I have never been able to have an orgasm with him... but then again *I've never been physically attracted to him*. Now my ex-fiancee, I was extremely attracted to but still didn't climax with him either. :scratchhead:
> 
> And yes... I have 3 kids by my husband.


* sigh *

I think this problem has less to do with orgasms/vibrators than it does with the state of the relationship with your husband.

So, having an orgasm with another person, while requiring a certain amount of technique, requires a certain amount of trust and respect, especially in a marriage.

I don't want to beat you up about admitting the lack of attraction for your husband - about never having attraction to him. But, what a sad thing for a husband to know or sense about his wife. We all want to be desired by our spouses - we all want our spouses to be attracted to us.

Is your husband aware of your lack of attraction toward him?

At this point, I would recommend working on ways that you can improve your relationship together, and not worry about the orgasms so much as they may just be the tip of the iceberg. To ferret out and see how big that iceberg is will require some soul-searching and thinking, honesty, and hard work.

Best wishes.


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

Ms.Mya said:


> What is it with me? I can't seem to climax unless I use a vibrator. Is that normal? I am 39 and have only been with 2 men in my life (my ex-fiancee and husband). I don't know why... I enjoy sex and will try just about anything but can't climax. Is it me? Am I doing something wrong?


What is your relationship with your father like?


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## CondorTX19 (Jun 19, 2012)

badbane said:


> Google clitoral over stimulation. I mean how can a man compete with a 300 rpm vibrator. It isn't possible. Put the vibrators down. Use them after your clitoris doesn't need an atomic bomb to set it off.


I do what I call the motor boat on my wife. Stick my tongue out a little and blow air out so that it vibrates. This Drives her crazy and vibrates like crazy, in fact every women I have ever done this on in the past has said that it was the best oral they had ever experienced. So yes men can compete with a vibrator with the right technique. My wife can have rapid multiple orgasms with this technique.


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## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

It can be very nice not having an orgasm.

The key is to regain the natural sensitivity you were designed with.

And that means focusing inward, on your body, during intercourse. 

When you focus on your body, you become present and aware of sensations that otherwise you just miss.

And you relax.

Relaxing is actually what lets a lot of women become orgasmic who were not before.

You have to get your guy to really slow down during intercourse, to hang in there inside you, slowly, with ease and not rushing towards climax.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Can you climax while masturbating WITHOUT the vibrator? If not, then I agree with above that you maybe over-stimulated your clitoris and now it just needs more than a human can provide to set it off.

But that's not the only problem and you know that already. You are not attracted to your husband and that is a BIG deal. He's borderline emotionally abusive and THAT is a big turn-off and a big deal.

Given these things, I don't see how you COULD possibly orgasm in this relationship. 

And I know it confuses you that you didn't with your ex either, but you can't go back and analyze that. If you had done all the hard work in that relationship at this same stage of maturity/age that you've done in this one (showing him how, etc) it probably would have worked for that situation. But that's not the guy that's around now.


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