# Need advice- new separation



## pattyk (Apr 28, 2013)

Hi, 
My husband just moved to an apartment and I am staying in the house with my 16 year old son. Husband moved primary items, but we have a house full of "things" which he still uses, i.e. tools in garage.
He said he would like to come over on Saturday's and just "hang out". He said this way he could see his son, do any household repairs and just putter around.
I asked him to leave because he cheated on me.
Does this seem "normal"? I get that he doesn't want to be a Disneyland dad, and I guess it's a bit much to expect him to come and take him somewhere every Saturday. What do you do? Part of me understands, and part of me feels like it's wrong. I'm not a pushover, just trying to do the right thing for the kids.
Thank you,
Patty


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You may not be a pushover, but you'll get an academy award for your acting abilities then... 

What he's doing is cake-eating. My advice... Start standing up for yourself. File for divorce so he can no longer come and go as he pleases. Your son will adjust to the new reality soon enough, and it will be better for everyone than living in limbo. 

C


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

In my opinion, He gave up that rite when he cheated. Your son is old enough to have a relationship with him away from the home you live in. If you're not comfortable with him hanging out there..


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, let's get things straight. He wants the best of both worlds and he wants to eat his cake whilst keeping it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Is he still with his affair partner ? Did he move in with her ?

Thats real cake-eating. If he has broken off the affair but has agreed to separate because you asked him too but would like to see his son and do household repairs, then I am not to sure about the cake eating.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Absolutely don't allow him to hang out every Saturday. If he wants to see your son then he can take him to his apartment or elsewhere. If you need something repaired then you can either ask him if he wants to fix it or you can have a repairman handle it. 

He's looking for an excuse to be "home" but at the moment (and maybe forever if that's your choice) he gave up that right.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Tell him to come and get his tools and then just get used to puttering around his own new domicle!*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> Is he still with his affair partner ? Did he move in with her ?
> 
> Thats real cake-eating. If he has broken off the affair but has agreed to separate because you asked him too but would like to see his son and do household repairs, then I am not to sure about the cake eating.


He is trying to asuage his guilt."Yeah I may be a POS, but it's OK as I will do jobs on the house!"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurtinginohio (Nov 18, 2014)

Mine tried doing the same thing! Only he also wanted to come over on Sundays to hang out and watch football (and eat my cooking). We tried it one time and all it did was make me angry so I said no more! He moved into an apt. not far at all from the house, he said he could help with the dog and stuff around the house. Uh, buddy, you don't live there anymore, you have no business being in MY home! I'm sure he wouldn't agree to me going to his apt., especially when he's not home!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Patty: If you really don't mind me asking, exactly what was the cause of the rift between the two of you that predicated the separation?*


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## pattyk (Apr 28, 2013)

Thank you to all of you who responded. I truly appreciate the advice.

My husband did not have an affair, per se, instead, he cheated throughout the entire 25 year marriage on and off with prostitutes.

I'm still shocked and waiting for Jerry Springer to come tell me I'm being punked.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

pattyk said:


> Thank you to all of you who responded. I truly appreciate the advice.
> 
> My husband did not have an affair, per se, instead, he cheated throughout the entire 25 year marriage on and off with prostitutes.
> 
> I'm still shocked and waiting for Jerry Springer to come tell me I'm being punked.


Yuck- file for D and get rid of his butt.

Also, get tested for STDs. You don't his crap.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Sorry to hear that PattyK.

Does your son know why you are separated?

Are you seeking a divorce?


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## pattyk (Apr 28, 2013)

The first thing I did was get tested and am fortunately okay. I have 3 children and all three know the truth. My oldest daughter graduated college last year and is living in another part of the State. My middle child, daughter, is in her junior year of college and my son is the only one home, he is a junior in high school.


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## 'CuseGal (Feb 5, 2015)

My advice is, if you don't feel comfortable having him around, tell him he has to make plans to visit your son in other places. In my experience, when my ex showed up at our home after we had initially separated, one or both of the following happened: 1) we had makeup sex that never led to a makeup but made me feel horrible and used afterwards, and 2) stuff disappeared from our house that he had no right taking without first discussing it with me.


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## pattyk (Apr 28, 2013)

As weird as it sounds, I found out about this 1 1/2 years ago. He just moved out. He had been laid off from his job, along with half of the company. At the same time, my sister was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer and I was her primary caregiver. There was a lot of back and forth to Stanford for her medical care. I needed someone to maintain the house and get my son to and from school, etc. In order for me to really be available to my sister, I needed him to stay in the home (separate bedrooms). Not to mention there was no income. As soon as he got a job he moved out.
So now it's my turn. I can finally really deal with this. It was nearly impossible to do while he was still in the home. I couldn't get any perspective on the situation. So in essence, it's almost as if it just happened. At least I can fully begin the grief process.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

So do you know what you want out of this separation?

Does your H know what you want from the separation?


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## pattyk (Apr 28, 2013)

I'm pretty sure that I want a divorce. He wants to move back in and pretend nothing happened. 
I'm amazed that some people, my H, have such a warped view of reality. Can you say "denial". 
I'm tired of trying to shove a round peg in a square hole. It's time to get honest and deal with what is, not what could it be.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, I hope your sister is ok.



pattyk said:


> I'm pretty sure that I want a divorce. He wants to move back in and pretend nothing happened.


Then you have your answer. IF you were to decide not to divorce, he would have to first go through extensive, years-long therapy to get to the base of why he feels entitled to cheat on you with hookers. That won't be done easily.

And given that he wants to rugsweep, you now KNOW he will never DO that extensive therapy if you let him eat cake. 

Refusing to allow him to come and go will accomplish two things. He'll be put in a situation where he will have to EARN you back - and that means therapy. He will never reach that conclusion if you just allow him to have the best of both worlds. And what if he gets caught and goes to jail? He needs to either stop for the sake of the family or you need to be legally/physically/financially separated from him so that his troubles don't come down on y'all's heads. And two, if you keep seeing him week in and week out, YOU will never heal and you'll be kept in limbo.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Marriage is an arrangement where she hopes he'll change, but doesn't; and where he hopes she'll never change but does.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

pattyk said:


> I'm pretty sure that I want a divorce. He wants to move back in and pretend nothing happened.
> I'm amazed that some people, my H, have such a warped view of reality. Can you say "denial".
> I'm tired of trying to shove a round peg in a square hole. It's time to get honest and deal with what is, not what could it be.




"Pretty sure" leaves a lot of wiggle room.

Would you be open to trying to work through the issues?

What would it take for you to try?


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## pattyk (Apr 28, 2013)

I say "pretty sure" because it's not easy to throw away 25 years of my life. That said, I think I know how he behaves after 25 years, and that means he prefers the river of denial! 
He has been in sex addiction therapy for 1.5 years, but I don't see any fundamental changes in him. He's good for going through the motions but I honestly believe he has no idea how to be real. Furthermore, I don't believe in sex addiction, at least for him. He uses that as a veil for fear of intimacy. He stopped with the hookers a year and half ago. And I haven't let him near me since then too.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

How did you find out? 25 years is a long time to be hiding this.


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## pattyk (Apr 28, 2013)

I agree, 25 years is a long time to hide this. I found out I don't know this man at all. He is this upstanding guy, straight as an arrow, in terms of drugs, language, etc. He's a borderline prude! I used to say to girlfriends when we'd talk about men cheating, that I'd believe he'd kill someone before cheating on me. The few people that know the situation are as blown away as I am. 
He managed to compartmentalize his "sexpeditions". I honestly don't think he believed that he was really partaking in the acts. I believe his perception of reality is warped. As long as he has a pretty picture in his mind, and as long as no one is complaining, he is content to sit in his crap, but really views it as his paradise, hence the warped perception. 
I am not dumb! Especially with regard to reading people. That is a huge irony. He was a master at creating his own perfect world in his head, regardless of what was really going on. 
Isn't hindsight enlightening ?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

From what I understand, serial cheaters can be really good at hiding their infidelity. It's just business as usual for them, so you don't notice anything amiss. Yes, the compartmentalizing.

So sorry that this has happened to you. For him, he's just assuming the compartment that is your life together will just continue, I guess. For you, it must seem like you're in the Twilight Zone, with your whole marriage basically a lie.

Again, so sorry.


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## pattyk (Apr 28, 2013)

Well said! You managed to summarize the situation perfectly. The Twilight Zone, indeed! 
And thank you for your kind words, I don't have much of a support system, so your kindness means a lot.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

For what it's worth, I think that trying to reconcile this after so many, many years of lying and deception would be extremely difficult. And why would you want to? Haven't you lost respect and love for him?

I would probably just make him pack up all his compartments and hit the road for good. Letting him back to putter and visit will make it harder for you to do what you have to do to heal.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

pattyk said:


> I'm pretty sure that I want a divorce. He wants to move back in and pretend nothing happened.
> I'm amazed that some people, my H, have such a warped view of reality. Can you say "denial".
> I'm tired of trying to shove a round peg in a square hole. It's time to get honest and deal with what is, not what could it be.


It's not denial. It is called Rug Sweeping. He's not denying it happened. He is trying to have you both pretend it never did so it doesn't have to be dealt with. Only if he deals with what he has done does he have any hope of becoming a decent person. That seems like a stretch. This is typical behavior for a cheater. He wants his cake and eat it too and wants to rug sweep. Check out the hundreds of other posts and you will see the same common story just with a different setting.

Also, I am so sorry you are here, but this is the best place I have found to deal with this whole horrible mess. Listen to the advice.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> "Pretty sure" leaves a lot of wiggle room.
> 
> Would you be open to trying to work through the issues?
> 
> What would it take for you to try?


My first sentence you did answer. It was only a precursor so I could ask the other two that you did not answer.

I understand 25 years, but -if he is as awful as you are now describing- what is the hesitation?


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## pattyk (Apr 28, 2013)

Those are tough questions. First, I wouldn't use the word "awful" to describe him/his behavior. He's clearly got major issues. He has also not made any/ much at all progress. I don't know if he even knows what is entailed. At the risk of sounding pompous, he's not very evolved emotionally. I am in no way near where I want to be, but I feel like I at least am further along than he is. It's hard to explain. How does one miss something in their life if they have no idea that it even exists? or have no desire to even find out? Content with mediocrity. Lack of awareness, perhaps.
I personally would be willing to try and work on this, but frankly, I would be working alone. That makes it damn near impossible.
What it would take for me to try would be to see a glimmer of awareness/acknowledgement of the depth of the issues. I've tried for so long, with other things since I didn't know about this, and to no avail. He's the kind of person who, if it's out of sight it's out of mind. If I'm not talking about it/things, then he believes all is well and he's happy to just sit in it, unaware and with no desire to move deeper.
Your questions make me think that you have either a belief in or some success with working on these issues. How do you feel about these things?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You're describing someone who has no real awareness of why he would feel compelled to visit prostitutes in the normal course of his married life. Am I wrong here? Has he provided an explanation that indicates some self-knowledge? Any explanation at all? How did you discover his lifestyle? I'm assuming he didn't have a sudden epiphany and confess all.

You sound relatively detached already, although that could just be the effect of writing on a forum where emotion doesn't always make it through. I think I would keep detaching. You need to take care of yourself.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

If you are willing to attempt to work through the issues, I think counseling for you as a couple is the place to start. Eventually, I think both of you need to be in individual counseling, the couples counseling serving as the thin edge of a wedge so that he does not feel blamed for the current impasse.

*Some *goals of counseling:

*Couples:* 
Start dialogue between spouses in a protected setting.
Develop awareness of each other's thoughts.
Explore each partners comitment to the marriage.

*For you:*
Resolve ambivalence towards H.
Develop ego strength.
Identify not negotiable and negotiable issues.
Develop plan of action if marriage is to be dissolved.

*For H.*
Develop insight.
Accept the validity of your concerns.
Accept responsibility for his own actions in the quality of the marriage.
Identify alternative strategies for dealing with inappropriate thoughts.


Does any of this resonate with you?


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