# Husbands EA and sex



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

My H had an EA recently, he says there is NC( truck driver so can't be sure). It has been 7 weeks since Dday and we have only made love 2 times. The second time was this last Thursday, and afterwards I started crying because I was so mad at him. He ignored it for the night, and didn't talk to me about it till the next morning. I told him I was so mad at him I wanted to hit him. Is this normal?

He still hides info on the EA and downplays it, so I don't know how I can make love to him again without being mad at him. 
And I don't know if it is because of him feeling guilty but he has had trouble keeping hard enough to perform very long. And thinking back, this has been going on for some time. So I am hoping he hasn't been thinking of her during this time. I know he won't admit it even if he was. 

Am just curious if this is a normal process.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Why do you let him hide the EA info? That's unacceptable. My EA details are all there, if she ever asked for them. She doesn't want to hear it. But I'm not hiding anything.

I felt guilty about the sex as the cheater. I also had a difficult time with the ability to perform from the guilt I have. 

During my EA, I have difficulty as well because I felt like I was sexually cheating on my EA partner. How's that for stupid!!!


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Every time we talk about it, his story changes, then he gets frustrated when I say that he has changed his story. Says he answers the same questions over and over. I have explained to him that the truth is what will help me the most, not lies trying to protect me and himself.
He says that he is telling the truth. Gets mad and says he might as well lie and say there was more than "just friends", (that's his story and he's sticking to it). So I'm at a loss with it all.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

That's totally unacceptable. He needs to smarten the heck up, or you need to kick his ass to the curb. He should be willing to chop off his left nut for you right now and be begging forgiveness, and be totally and 100% transparent with regards to every little thing he does.

If you don't know what the 180 is, google it and DO it.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I agree with Hope


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

He sounds like he has the same mentality as my WW. He is showing very little respect and concern for you. Some cheaters are so self driven that they would never admit that they did any wrong. Do the 180 and go dark. It should work if he has any heart left in him at all. I have been doing the 180 and at the fileing of the dissolution papers last week she did show a tiny bit of remorse but still is sticking to her deceit and lies for the most part. But at this point I don't care what she does. 28 days till court date and counting.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I have a lung issue "middle lobe syndrome" and am going to have surgery to remove my middle lobe and if can't separate my lower lobe as well. So is he only being here for me because he knows I am going thru this mentally and physically. (Yet he sure didn't care while carrying on his EA). 
And so my biggest worry is he is just waiting until he knows if I"m ok after surgery. Cause the only thing he mostly asks me when we talk is how I'm feeling physically.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

He's probably still still grieving the loss of his EA relationship. It's likely impacting his feelings towards you at the moment. I'm also struggling with loving my wife, rather than just caring about her well being. It's likely just a phase for him.

He's asking about it as much as anyone would. It's a priority in any type of relationship.

Take care of yourself.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

HerToo said:


> He's probably still still grieving the loss of his EA relationship. It's likely impacting his feelings towards you at the moment. I'm also struggling with loving my wife, rather than just caring about her well being. It's likely just a phase for him.
> 
> He's asking about it as much as anyone would. It's a priority in any type of relationship.
> 
> Take care of yourself.



Yeah, true. Didn't think of it that way. Well I hope just a phase.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

After surgery, you will rely upon him for your post surgery recovery. Allow him to be there for you.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

HerToo said:


> After surgery, you will rely upon him for your post surgery recovery. Allow him to be there for you.


If he can't open up about EA, I don't know if I can. Other than us just telling each other "I love you", almost seems like there is so much emotional distance between us.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I have a lung issue "middle lobe syndrome" and am going to have surgery to remove my middle lobe and if can't separate my lower lobe as well. So is he only being here for me because he knows I am going thru this mentally and physically. (Yet he sure didn't care while carrying on his EA).
> And so my biggest worry is he is just waiting until he knows if I"m ok after surgery. Cause the only thing he mostly asks me when we talk is how I'm feeling physically.


No,no,no! He cares for you!
His EA was a fantasy. Many people need some type of fantasy to get through their life (or so they think).
Just because a man has a fantasy does not mean that there is not a woman in his life that he dearly loves. It's just that some people can't function without both of these things. They do need help...but sometimes it's because the spouse isn't everything they would like them to be. But,that is usually asking too much of 98% of us.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Bartimaus said:


> No,no,no! He cares for you!
> His EA was a fantasy. Many people need some type of fantasy to get through their life (or so they think).
> *Just because a man has a fantasy does not mean that there is not a woman in his life that he dearly loves*. It's just that some people can't function without both of these things. They do need help..*.but sometimes it's because the spouse isn't everything they would like them to be. But,that is usually asking too much of 98% of us*.


Having a fantasy and dearly loving me.
Needing both of these in his life to function.
I alone cannot give him both these needs.
( and this might be asking too much of me)????

Am I understanding you right?


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Having a fantasy and dearly loving me.
> Needing both of these in his life to function.
> I alone cannot give him both these needs.
> ( and this might be asking too much of me)????
> ...


One can have fantasy yet love their spouse with perfect love.
Some do think they need both or all of this to function. But that is not good nor true. It's just a fact of life for so many sad to say.
My point was that YES, YOU CAN give him all that he wants and perhaps needs.
Nope,not asking to much but just providing what real love and marriage for life in this messed up world might ask of us.
Something tells me that you can be and do all...perhaps he might ask too much and thus be unreasonable or maybe he is wanting something too specific?


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Bartimaus said:


> My point was that YES, YOU CAN give him all that he wants and perhaps needs.
> 
> Something tells me that you can be and do all...perhaps he might ask too much and thus be unreasonable or maybe he is wanting something too specific?


Obviously I didn't give him everything he wanted or needed.

And yet he admits to everyone that he is spoiled. Since he is only home a day and a half,,, I wait on him pretty much hand and foot (get his drinks, make him a sandwich etc.) I do his laundry and pack his bag to take on the road,,(even put it in his truck) When he goes to bed,(usually before me), I go lay down with him till he falls asleep. 

Maybe I'm too giving, I don't know.
Like you've said before, I keep hitting my head against a rock,,and can't find the answers.... 

So I just felt that I do so much for him and he even said he took me for granted. But he was still in need of something emotionally that he got from her, that I didn't give him. And if he never tells me what that is and just uses the excuse it was just friends, I will never know.
I even told him that I felt that if I wouldn't of found out, that he would still be talking to her. And his response shocked me.... he said that they would of eventually quit talking because "they would run out of things to talk about"


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

I am sorry for you,he sounds like a 'lifer' cheater. Don't go on that though,keep trying to get help and knowledge from him. Could be that his life has made him messed up but he does care for you. Guess it depends on where you are willing to set the,if any,rules.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Ok, now I think he is just trying to piss me off on purpose. Told me today that since I go Black friday shopping every year, that this year he would give me my budget, and I am to let him know how much I am spending and on whom, before I purchase anything. And I am not to go over my budget. 

Sounds like I'm gonna have a blast don't it? He feels he can do this since he makes a lot more money than I do. 

Or he is wanting me to split up with him, so he's not the bad guy. So he's just trying to piss me off on purpose. ???


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