# Don't know what to do!



## Inadaze (Nov 16, 2010)

My H and I have been separated for almost 3 months. He has been staying with his dad. 
A bit of history: We have been married for 16 years and have two children. 6 yrs. ago he had an affair and when I found the text messages my world fell apart. We went to MC and things seemed better but now that I look back on it there was still many problems that had not been resolved. 
Over the last year I started having suspicions that something might be going on. He never left his phone unattended and I could just sense that he was distancing himself. Well, in November I returned home late from a short trip with our girls. I had come home a day earlier than he expected. He was in bed. I noticed his email was up on the computer and after looking at I found tons of emails to a co-worker that were very intimate. Long story short, I confronted him, he admitted it and apologized. After days of crying and depression, I decided to go to individual counseling this time to help me decide what I was going to do. My H said things had really been ending and had become volatile with the OW and that he had hoped I would never find out. We both started IC and I began to feel like I could give our marriage another chance since he seemed as if he wanted to try too. I told him no contact with OW was a must and he agreed. We changed his cell phone number immediately. Fast forward to May, I found a phone charger for a different kind of phone in his truck. I was confused. Later that day, my 15 year old daughter and I got into an argument. She was being so nasty and not like herself. I asked her what was wrong with her and then she blurted out, "dad has another phone". (She was aware of the affair). I told her that I was sorry she had to carry that with her for so long and thank you for telling me. I confronted my husband later that day and after admitting to being in contact with OW (said it was only thru texts, had not physically seen her) he said he needed to get away to clear his head. He ended up spending the night at his dad's and wouldn't answer my calls. The next day he was ready to talk and I was the one that was angry. I said I felt betrayed all over again. It felt like a whole new affair. I said I wasn't sure if I could go through all this again. He says that he and the OW were done with each other but he just felt this need to make sure she was ok. He said it was only texts. To me it didn't matter. 
He has been staying with his dad ever since and we meet every Thursday to have dinner and discuss the girls etc. We sometimes still do things together on the weekends as a family. He wants us to go to MC, but I just haven't been able to decide what I want to do.
The other day, he needed to use my car and so I had his truck. I found an unopened box of condoms in his glove compartment. I asked him about it and he said he had been upset with me and picked them but didn't do anything with them. I don't know who he would use them with, OW still? He swears NO. I can't believe anything he says.
If I was a friend of mine and looked at all of this information, I would tell myself to be done. It's just so hard b/c of the history, our girls and the fact that we are 41 years old and have grown up together. I guess I'm just scared of making the wrong decision.


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

There is a trust issue but your situation is fixable. My advice is that if you still love him that you both go to counseling. If you don't know, still go to counseling. Do not leave until you are certain that is what you want to do. Right now it doesn't sound like that is what you want. Find a good counselor and work through the issues. You may still decide you can't stay but at least you can get some idea of what the problem is. It's not as simple as the other woman.
You mention that you have "grown up together." I think that actually gives you a good chance of working through this. I've come to believe in my 40's that having a bond carried from your youth is a powerful thing. Yes, one may question, "Maybe there's someone else out there for me, maybe I want someone else" a grass-is-greener scenario. However, I think having that image of your wife from a young age helps solidify the love.
Take that FWIW but do seek counseling. My only exception would be if I knew that he had had another affair. It sounds like he's struggling with it. Find out what the issue really is.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

He has had two affairs and is more concerned about the well being of the OW than the pain he causes you. He is nowhere near ready to come back to you. It sounds like he has a strong emotional connection with the OW and he is probably still having sex with her. 

Cheater's lie lie lie. Don't believe anything he says - you have an argument with him and he buys condoms! He us the one humiliating you and you can't get angry with out him going to the OW.

It seems that he really does not want back badly enough to do any work at all. If he wanted back he would be begging you to forgive him. Since he got away with the first cheating I thing he is fairly certain he will get away with this one and may have a 3rd and 4th. You have to decide if you want to live with a man that you need to be vigilant all the time or if you would be happy to get rid of him. 

I'd say he is a poor risk for future happiness. You may as well go through the pain of divorce now and not drag it out, you bern through once with him already and he learned nothing from that and was not concerned about causing you pain again. He does not care. 

First I think you are meeting some of his needs by meeting him weekly while he still involved with this woman. I think you should do NC. Communicate about the kids by text or email. NC will give you a chance to clear your head and think about whether you want to go through this affair stuff again. He is a serial cheater that's the worse kind in that they are mire likely to cheat again. 

If you decide to reconcile don't move quickly give it 6 months are mire. If he does not do all he can to get you back than it is unlikely that staying with him will work in the long run.

One thing to think about is that it may take you 2 yrs to recover from this affair, is he worth it? If you divorce, by two yrs you can have a fresh start with a man who loves you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

OH how I feel ur pain!! And I know the lies, the deception of it all!! I allowed my wife to sit thru MC for 20 weeks and she never gave up her computer or phone!! Just a pac of lies, her whole life! I have to say tho she did give me the apology I needed to move on, it was too bad she filed for divorce first.
Learn the lesson quick, if/when they are sorry you won't have to do anything, they will know in their hearts how to repair the damage.
Ya know the one thing that always got me down was the fact no matter what I did, my wife hated it. I love 4-wheeling, she refuses to even look @ it. I love cooking candy, ....wait, she loves eating my candy, but all the man things I do she hates, tractors, cars, hunting, any kind of movie and even swimming.
I just met a woman, she grew up on all the things men love, I told her I had 5 yellow tractors and she was excited!!! Boy am I tired of being hated!
Mouse


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## Inadaze (Nov 16, 2010)

Thank you so much for your advice. I agree that counseling to help me decide what to do is a must. I just keep going back and forth in my head. Living in limbo like this is certainly taking a toll. I also worry about my girls.

I wish it could work, but I have horrible trust issues and am so afraid of being hurt again.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Just to put the nail in his coffin, VAR the truck. And like hell he didn't see her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Inadaze (Nov 16, 2010)

I have thought about getting a VAR device but was kinda nervous. Is there any chance it makes any noises that it could be detected? Are they very small? I guess that would definitely put my mind at ease knowing one way or the other. 

I don't understand why he would want to keep seeing her and keep me waiting in limbo. We are already separated, why not just end it?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

They don't use tapes. No noise. Small yes. Velcro under seat

Why keep you in limbo? Money. Backup if she dumps him. Because he can. A better question is why you don't dump him. This is your life. Don't let him dictate your future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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