# Caught him emotionally cheating



## threeyearsin (Jun 1, 2010)

Found emails that my husband has been exchanging with a co-worker this weekend. Thought I was going to lose it. Co-worker is also a friend of mine. While my husband and I have decided to stay together and work things out, I still feel completely betrayed. He's putting all of the blame on himself and none on her. That really bothers me.....
My best friend says that I just need to leave. That I'm lucky I caught it before it became physical, but that he'll probably do it again. For all intents and purposes, I feel like he's physcially cheated on me. The emails I found were so graphic that they make me physically sick when I think of the words they wrote to each other. Am I crazy for staying in this relationship? I feel as though if we were just dating or even just engaged, I would've left and not even given him a chance to explain.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

threeyearsin said:


> Am I crazy for staying in this relationship?


No you are not and if you love your husband and respect your marriage you should try and salvage it. But you do need to set your boundaries and expectations with him. The contact must end, all of it. Even if there needs to be a job change for one of them. Your husband needs to be totally transparent with you in his email, fb, cell phone..... He has to earn your trust back and that may take some time. A sustained "clean record" is what is needed. Also look at this cross road as an opportunity for both of you in determining what you are looking for in the marriage. What is important to each of you and find out why he was looking for something outside the marriage.

My marriage survived a long term EA so things can improve.

Be thankful you caught this early it was likely heading to a physical relationship.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Emotional affairs can be every bit, if not even more devastating, especially for women. You are absolutely right to feel betrayed, and the fault is all his. Not to say this woman doesn't have a part to play, but he is the one in the marriage with you.

I can't say whether you would be crazy or not to stay with him, I know many couples recover wonderfully after affairs, emotional and/or physical. That's really up to you to determine if it's worth the work that's required to recover from it, if he's willing to do what's required of himself as well, and anything else you may need to decide on in regard to what final choice you feel is best for you.

The important thing is to give yourself some time to think, to take good care of yourself and recover a bit from the damage I'm sure that hit you when you found this out.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

threeyearsin said:


> I feel as though if we were just dating or even just engaged, I would've left and not even given him a chance to explain.


I was you, and I did it many times. Now that I'm older, I'm beginning to reconsider. 

(First, let me preference stating my new-found opinion by confessing this has not happened to me, nothing of the sort. So, I've not actually been able to put myself to the test.)

But yes, I used to feel the same as you. No amount of apologies, begging, pleading, crying would change my mind to give a guy another chance. And I left a husband because I saw him about to kiss another woman. They hadn't even kissed yet LOL. But in recent years, I have begun to think marriage means more. That's mainly because I've been hanging around way too many marriage forums and see how much easier (though incredibly difficult) it is to forgive and give a person a second chance, and also because most people do. So maybe I'm thinking it is the norm, and while you are certainly entitled to your individual philosophy, it being *normal* can make forgiving feel okay.

Another reason is if you have children, then perhaps they are worth it to you to keep your family together. I've no doubt they are. I don't think people really know or understand how divorce adversely impacts children when the marriage was relatively good and seemingly to them, stable. Being a product of divorce, I remember being happy my parents were together when most of my friends didn't have both parents in the household. Then when they finally divorced, I was so glad and felt it really didn't happen fast enough because I was sick of the arguing and fighting. But I remember feeling secure before the fighting got so bad.

Another reason is I find the divorce rate absolutely appalling. It tells me marriage means little more to most people than a trial run at playing house. I don't know how people can be so fickle and flighty and so capricious in their ways and so-called devotions. We honor any other contract we enter into except the marriage contract. We keep our word and our promises except the marriage vows. And I guess it all weighs on me because I think it's really a shame, and I think about the children we don't get to hear from. We don't get to hear how badly they wish their parents would act like adults LOL. But you see it between the lines, and I see it all the time when I frequent step family forums. Those are incredibly dreadful.

Another reason is the problems are so common. I won't try to enumerate them, but read these boards and other marriage forums, and you'll see there is nothing new under the sun. The most common denominator is realizing every marriage has problems. Your problem specifically is so common that it makes me think no one is exempt, no one is above being vulnerable to enjoying the attentions of someone else. It even makes me question my own strength and sense of devotion and wonder if I could or would resist given the right circumstances.....and the right circumstances are extremely easy to come by because, again, every marriage has problems and, again, people are fickle and flighty. So, what standard am I supposed to hold my husband to? What standard in this regard are you supposed to hold your husband to? Such a standard that you would probably not live up to yourself? Such a standard that he deserves no second chances? Such a standard that he is somehow expected to be more human than the next human?

Another reason is, even though you are hurting, I know your marriage can survive this if both you and your husband are willing to work at it. I also know your marriage can become even stronger than before and more loving too. There is help to guide you through it, whereas before, you had no help. People get married and when problems arise, everyone tells them to seek marriage counseling, read this book, join that website, watch this movie, but there is nothing to prepare you for marriage or help you prevent all those problems that are not new under the sun. What I'm saying is you were headed for this collision course. You just didn't know it. But you can get past it, and your marriage can be better because of it.

So, I should like to think I would give my husband a second chance though, as I admitted, I've not been put to the test. Another confession though is that I definitely would not even consider giving a boyfriend the same second chance. I think marriage and family are worth it although a third chance is completely out of the question. So if it happened again, hubby is out the door. No questions asked.


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