# Thinking about separating



## yogaman (Jan 17, 2008)

Hi, I'm new here. Please bear with me while I tell my story. I'm not sure you will all understand all of it b/c it involves a religion you may not fully understand the inner workings of, but I will try...

I've been married 22 years to a great woman and have 3 kids. She is a wonderful mother and has been devoted to me and our children. We were both strong Mormons when we married. Over the last 15 years or so I slowly became disenchanted with our religion; and in the last two years I learned some negative things about our church's history and my faith came crashing down. I now no longer consider myself an active Mormon. 

We were having problems even before all my faith issues occurred. We are just not that compatible. I love to play sports and go places and do fun things. I would consider myself and outdoors-type of person. However, she just wouldn't do any of the outdoors things I was interested in. I try and keep myself in shape but she is not interested in that for herself and makes lots of excuses for why she doesn't exercise and keep herself up. 

Part of the problems I have with her is the amount of influence the religion has on her and what is considered sin: for example, Mormons don't drink and so I can't even have a glass of wine at my dinner if I feel like. The religion even enters our bedroom and she will not explore or experiment just between the two of us b/c certain things are looked at as sinful in her eyes. In short, I feel like I'm in a cage and dying to get out!

About two years ago, I had the chance to go to a clothing-optional beach in our area. I had always been interested in naturism since I was a teenager but had never given it a second thought b/c I thought it was evil. To make a long story short, I went (alone) and found I enjoyed it very much. It is important to understand that naturism isn't about sex; I simply wanted to get a tan w/o having to wear a swimsuit and to feel the freedom of no clothing on me when I go in the water - it's about as simply as that! I also don't have any bodily shame and don't feel that it is evil or sinful like many church members would think.

Anyway I told her about it and how much I enjoyed it and she was upset. This was about a year ago. It was wrong for me to go and not tell her about it first, but given her religious bent, she would have been upset even if I had, so it wouldn't have mattered. Needless to say, she won't even begin to try a naturist experience outdoors with me, even if I could guarantee it would only be the two of us and nobody else.

My wife has never been that open of a person or an openly affectionate person. I, on the other hand, am very much that way. I am verbal and she isn't. I would like nothing more than to hold her and be affectionate with her and do things with her that are fun and also that our kids would enjoy. She's NEVER told me that she loved me w/o me asking her about it. When I press her as to why, she just says it is not her way of showing affection. I can't tell you how much that HURTS!!!

I feel like there is this big hole in my life as far as the relationship with my wife is concerned. I think it can and should be a lot better for each of us: she doesn't have the person that she wants and neither do I.

I realize that I'm the one who has changed over the years. When we first married, I didn't start out knowing that years down the road I'd not believe in our church anymore or that I'd be a naturist, but here I am. She never expected me to change which I also think is naive on her part; people can and do change throughout their lives and in marriage too.

It is not a question of whether I love my wife or not - I do. However, I don't want to live the rest of my life this way. My children are now older. Our youngest will finish high school in about a year. I think it might be a good time to separate, even if just to get her thinking b/c she won't open up about the problems.

And just for everones info, we've been to marital counseling a few times and that didn't help that much. 

I appreciate any advice that you have.


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## whattodo0 (Jan 17, 2008)

Well, while our backgrounds and reasons are very different, my situation is very similar. I too am new here and was also looking for advice regarding the same subject. Without getting into all the specifics, I feel very disconnected to my husband, and wonder if I ever really was connected. I was young when I married, not sure of who I was or what I really wanted. But, Im also a pretty dependant person who has made my entire existance about someone else. 

Im torn about loving him, and feeling like Im in love with him. There is no passion, no fire whatsoever. Its just like going through the motions. I dont know that Im my best person in this marriage, and we arent very compatible on the surface. But Im so attached, I dont know how'd Id ever let go and not miss him. I, too, have changed, as has he alittle, but....Im torn about what to do and how to recogonize if I should give this up, or if stick it out. 

So, I really feel for you. I keep waiting for someone to tell me what to do, and I realize that isnt going to happen, as Im sure it wont with you, either. I guess we just have to dig deep, and figure out if our marriages are benefiting us, or if we are sacraficing too much in order to maintain them. 

Do you two get along, or is there alot of arguing? Are you still intimate, or living as room mates, and most importantly, is she aware that you are serious about needing her to understand you more and that youre considering separation? 

I doubt this helped you at all, but you are definately not alone.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well, I did date a Mormon girl when I was younger. I actually liked many parts of the religion. 

The following quote I strongly believe in....

"Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between man and his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship..."

Thomas Jefferson, letter to Danbury Baptist Association, CT., Jan. 1, 1802

So if you feel that faith is a split between the two of you maybe it is a good time to seperate and do a bit of soul searching. I would suggest however, that in doing so you keep it as civil as possible. As you have said she is a good women and for many years a good wife & mother that deserves respect.

draconis


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## yogaman (Jan 17, 2008)

whattodo0 said:


> Do you two get along, or is there alot of arguing? Are you still intimate, or living as room mates, and most importantly, is she aware that you are serious about needing her to understand you more and that youre considering separation?
> 
> I doubt this helped you at all, but you are definately not alone.


We argued a lot over the years. Since I "came out" about my agnostic beliefs, we've had far less arguing. However, there's always that "elephant in the bedroom" syndrome. You know...the issue is there with the two of you and you know it, but nobody wants to say anything for fear it will start another argument.

Yes, we are still intimate, but the intimacy is not what I want. It could be so much better. Part of the problem is these religious rules for what's appropriate - even in our bedroom. It kills intimacy for me. 

She has suggested for years that we have separate bedrooms. I told her the day she tries to do that is the day I leave. That is certainly not my idea of a happy marriage! So I have set certain boundaries. However, it still bugs me that she would even suggest such a thing.

She has known in the past that I've considered separating. I do suggest it when when we have arguments regarding the same issues year-after-year. I don't do this all the time, but only if I'm PO'd enough that I've had it. I've threatened to leave several times and came as close to having my bags packed and getting ready to walk out the door! But I back down at the last minute. I'm thinking that making good on the threat is the only way she is going to listen; nothing else has worked. I want to talk with her again, but I feel she will just give me more of the same double-talk she's always done. If I "spring it" on her instead, it will have maximum effect. I don't want to take this approach, but I do want a change and I'm losing my patience!

I simply want this girl to loosen up and have a mind of her own, and not keep being an automaton for some religion. I'm also thinking about my kids too. I don't want them programmed this way and have it ruin their lives too down the road.

I have to be honest too - other women are looking better to me too. I know that is not right either. I have made no advances to other women whatsoever. However, I'm missing that intimate/best friend connection with my wife. I want that connection; and if she won't provide it then perhaps I should just find someone else who can and whom I'm more compatible with.


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## yogaman (Jan 17, 2008)

draconis said:


> Well, I did date a Mormon girl when I was younger. I actually liked many parts of the religion.
> 
> 
> draconis


Be careful...there's a lot more underneath that hood than you may realize!



> So if you feel that faith is a split between the two of you maybe it is a good time to seperate and do a bit of soul searching. I would suggest however, that in doing so you keep it as civil as possible. As you have said she is a good women and for many years a good wife & mother that deserves respect.


You're probably right, but I think it is such a stupid thing to have to separate over religion. But if she won't listen to reason, I may not have a choice. Sometimes I feel like she's married to two people: me and the church - and I'm husband #2 both literally and figuratively!

I would try and keep it civil. I would never want to do anything that would harm the image of her in our children's eyes. Just b/c we are having problems doesn't mean that I have a right to do that. She is their mother and I respect that.

This woman is a good person, but I don't want to force change upon her. I want her to do it b/c she wants to. You can't make someone change. I'm thinking that the only way I can get her to take a serious look at what she is doing is something drastic. I've tried everything else I can think of and leaving seems like one of my only options. There's also a selfish reason too: I don't want to have to wait another 10 years before she finally gets it. I'm 49 right now and am not getting any younger. I want to enjoy this life while I still can; life's just too short!


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## bobcat (Apr 1, 2010)

Your story resonates with me a lot. I'm kinda in the same boat. No religion issues though. I'll tell you, I did jump the fence when I was feeling the same way; twice. It was addrenalin city and the sex was out of this world. But, I've been repairing the damage with my wife for the past 8 years only to come to the same conclusion which is we are not very compatible. (for a lot of the same reasons you mentioned.) If you never have cheated on her, my hat goes off to you. I hurt my wife tremendously and she'll never trust me again. I think in your situation you can not make a wrong decision; you just have to live with the one you make. My wife told me something after I confessed my affairs and we were trying to work things out; she told me I would always be the kids father no matter what happend to our marriage. For some reason that really stuck with me and gave me the green light to leave, although obviously I did'nt. I'm 47 and still have a lot of the same issues you have mentioned with my marriage, but I've decided to take my marriage one day at a time. Kind of cliche, but it works for me. If I don't future cast all the time I'm less stressed and more happy. (sorry about missspellings)


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