# What makes you want to initiate?



## nader (May 4, 2011)

Ladies,

Just would like to hear some insight on what kind of specific day-to-day actions, behaviors, etc. make you want to initiate sex? If you were on the fence about whether or not to engage, what would put you over the edge and make you want to jump your DH?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Romance, flowers, some sweet words of "Baby you look sex/hot" or just any sweet things. Sometimes it's just a heat of the moment thing.

Women want to feel desired, wanted, cherish, adored, loved. Those things are so sexy.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I am not a big initiator, and I don't think most women are wired/ socialized that way.

However I will initiate sometimes, if he has been very dominate (turns me on) very flirty and touches me a lot. If he has complimented me (told me I'm sexy and acted like he means it) and I also feel he loves me and cares for me deeply, and most importantly I won't get rejected and I won't get laughed at.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

if your husband initiates or tries to initiate too often, does that make it harder for you to do the same?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ No. But romance is essential (to me). It makes me want to more.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

nader said:


> Ladies,
> 
> Just would like to hear some insight on what kind of specific day-to-day actions, behaviors, etc. make you want to initiate sex? If you were on the fence about whether or not to engage, what would put you over the edge and make you want to jump your DH?


Honestly, the knowledge that he wants me to. Going out on a date will often get me feeling frisky. But with me working now, and kids and all... we don't do that as much as I would like.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

For me just knowing he wants me to is enough.


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Making me feel sexy and desired, body AND mind.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Although I don't initiate because I have too many inhibitions, sometimes I feel close to it when he is in a good playful mood. Also we talk about his thoughts and plans. I feel close to him. If he is quite and needing space no way. 

There is probably no majic formula, depends on the personality of both people . I think, although I am not sure, that if you maintain communication like a friend about things other than children and the house. This may sound strange but I need to hear that my husband loves me at regular intervals even when it is obvious that he does. 

Not too often though, not every day a little bit less than I would like (keeps me hungry to hear it). About every 2 - 3 months or a little longer for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Different things at different times make me want to initiate, but I think it's fun when we've been laughing together. I love those times when we're in bed and acting silly. It makes me feel playful and frisky. Those times feel special to me because we don't act that way around other people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> This may sound strange but I need to hear that my husband loves me at regular intervals even when it is obvious that he does.


I'm the same way but not in a flippant "I love you" like you would say "pass me the peas" I mean hearing it while he looks at me deeply like he really means it.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

In general, my husband is very sweet to me. 

He works and provides. ( I work too! )

He shares half of the chores. 

He gives me full attention when I am low in spirit. He hugs me and kisses me to let me know he cares about my feeling. He listens to me and lets me express my frustration. 

He seduces and flirts with me all the time, sends me horny messages, gives sexy comments whenever I am in front of him, tells me I look good with what I am wearing, tells me I look good without wearing anything. Tells me he wants to eat me, tells me he wants me to have orgasms which can make me faint. 

On one hand, he knows he is the man, he won't allow any nonsense; on the other hand, he knows he is the man, he has to protect and provide comfort. 

He is very humorous, very often he just makes silly faces and does silly things to make me laugh. He is very good at this way. He is a funny clown. 

Sums up, he is not doing anything which makes me upset. He always puts me into a peaceful and cheerful mood. 

And the most important thing, I am born with a horny body. 

I initiate sex a looooooooooooooooooooot!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

It is not doing chores

Or romantic gifts

Or lighting candles and slow music

Or kama sutra oils

Or smooshy talk telling my I'm beautiful or he loves me

(Although none of those things hurt!!)

What makes me want to initiate sex is when we spend a WHOLE NIGHT sharing something together like watching a concert from Led Zeppelin in 1979 and remembering all the memories from when we were that age or what it makes us think of/feel. Then laughing at how young and silly we were! His face lights up, he shares some part of himself with me, and THAT is when I feel like initiating.


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## Daphne (May 17, 2011)

Watching him spend time with the kids! Seeing him smile and seem calm and happy. And most importantly being 100% certain I won't get shot down.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Hmmm... The last time my GF initiated (Monday) she had had a really bad commute, ended up late for work, then spilled her sport drink in her briefcase with all her work files, making her half an hour late for seeing me. She literally pushed me backwards till I fell over onto the bed, and climbed on top. I think it was frustration sex... I was happy to help her clear her mind, though! 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bunnybear (Jan 13, 2011)

I don't really initiate. I used to from my past partners but I don't know why I don't do it to my hubby. But I always dress sexy and walk around in my lingerie (always trying to seduce him). I get turn on when he gives me my fave chocolate out of the blue, tells me that I'm so beautiful/gorgeous all the time, basically when he shows me that he really appreciates me.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

bunnybear said:


> I don't really initiate. I used to from my past partners but I don't know why I don't do it to my hubby. But I always dress sexy and walk around in my lingerie (always trying to seduce him). I get turn on when he gives me my fave chocolate out of the blue, tells me that I'm so beautiful/gorgeous all the time, basically when he shows me that he really appreciates me.


sounds like you initiate to me.

wish my wife would wear something sexy to she she is receptive.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No wonder no one's making love. You want 8 hrs of ramp up time.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

When we do things together as a couple. Like Affaircare said about the concerts thing. It's true.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

For me it's a constant connection that makes me willing and wanting to have sex. I don't initiate often but make it clear that initiation from him is absolutely welcome through flirting like behavior.

What you might think would make me want to have sex...chores, dates, etc. doesn't really work for me or against my willingness/wantingness. It's more the ongoing dance that makes it clear on a day to day basis that he is perfect for me that works.

We've recently renewed our sense of relationship after a rocky six months or so. Even at our rockiest we usually had sex 3 to 4 times a week. Now we are sometimes doing it several times a day. I kid you not, he still gives me butterflies when he touches me at times. Honestly, thinking about him now, writing this, gave me those quick little butterflies of intense love/connection and we'll be married 15 years in August.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Actually, I can be more forward than a man.

I don't need a reason.

If I'm horny, I'm initiating.

It doesn't matter what he does/doesn't do. Never been a factor for me.

I can be pissed off at him and want to jump his bones 10 minutes later (this drives him crazy, he doesn't get how I can be made and glad all in the same 10 minutes).

So me - I don't need anything.

Just him to say YES!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Trenton said:


> For me it's a constant connection that makes me willing and wanting to have sex. I don't initiate often but make it clear that initiation from him is absolutely welcome through flirting like behavior.
> 
> What you might think would make me want to have sex...chores, dates, etc. doesn't really work for me or against my willingness/wantingness. It's more the ongoing dance that makes it clear on a day to day basis that he is perfect for me that works.
> 
> We've recently renewed our sense of relationship after a rocky six months or so. Even at our rockiest we usually had sex 3 to 4 times a week. Now we are sometimes doing it several times a day. I kid you not, he still gives me butterflies when he touches me at times. Honestly, thinking about him now, writing this, gave me those quick little butterflies of intense love/connection and we'll be married 15 years in August.



Same here - the reason why I try so hard to work things out in my marriage.

Together 27 years, married 26 and his touch STILL makes me weak in the knees - always has, always will.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I don't really understand all the threads from guys complaining that their wives don't initiate. Why does it matter who initiates? Biologically and socially, women are 'wired' to be receptive/responsive, more than initiative. So, if your wife is like that, why not just work with it?

With that said, I know that my DH likes for me to initiate sometimes, and because I care about him and don't really have a problem initiating for some reason (I have other issues! ), I make an effort in this department. Sometimes the reason to initiate is mundane - like "it's been 5 days and doggone it, we are NOT going to let it go any longer". Sometimes you just feel a great connection - sometimes at the oddest times - like when you've had a really rotten day and you're tired and a little lonely and you can turn to your DH for some of the best comfort there is. Since I tend to be a lot lower drive than my DH, I'm not usually in a "horny" mood, but occasionally that does happen and I try to not ever let those moments go to waste.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

Men want to feel desired, and to know their wives have the hots for them. When I do all the initiating, after awhile it starts to feel like I am badgering her for sex, and that she is just giving in or doing what she's supposed to. If she makes the first move, I know she really wants me and that makes it 10x better.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Runs Like Dog: I don't think everyone who's not making love wants 8 or any other specific number of hours' "ramp up" time. What some of us want is a closeness perhaps already being experienced by those who find initiating easier. Closeness which is a result of different things for different people, as you'll see from reading this thread. I possibly put not being criticised in a bad way, being accepted, cherished, reassured, above all else followed pretty closely by humour and someone mentioned how much they like long conversations which remind both of you of some good time together and generally shared experiences. I also strongly advocate the 'occasional, non-sexual, fleeting' touchy feely throughout the day approach. Smiles help. Sound stupid? Well maybe but i don't care. Not all people remember to smile even at their nearest and dearest. 
In 10 years how many times have I actually definitely unequivocally initiated? Maybe 2. Have I done other things other times which he knew meant I was up for it? Of course. Are my kisses more hungry than his and giving pretty clear messages sometimes? Absolutely. i figure it kind of depends how you define initiate. ???


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

nader said:


> Men want to feel desired, and to know their wives have the hots for them. When I do all the initiating, after awhile it starts to feel like I am badgering her for sex, and that she is just giving in or doing what she's supposed to. If she makes the first move, I know she really wants me and that makes it 10x better.


But is it the initiating that's making you feel like you're badgering her or is it her reaction to your initiating that makes you feel that way?

I don't think initiating would make you feel that way if her reaction was a big smile and a "let's go baby" response. I think if the reaction was better,men would be totally fine initiating all the time.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> No wonder no one's making love. You want 8 hrs of ramp up time.


This sums up (what i think) is the difference that men just do not seem to understand about women (im generalising obviously!)

YES RLD, we do need the ramp up time. Men can be ready for sex in 30 seconds, women need TIME. We need all of the things mentioned in this thread before we are REALLY in the mood.

Personally, mine is touch. If i am getting affectionate touches/attention all during the day by the time evening comes around i am in the right frame of mind for some fun!


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> But is it the initiating that's making you feel like you're badgering her or is it her reaction to your initiating that makes you feel that way?
> 
> I don't think initiating would make you feel that way if her reaction was a big smile and a "let's go baby" response. I think if the reaction was better,men would be totally fine initiating all the time.


Yes, the more rejection the more it feels like badgering. She has told me before that I don't get her a chance to initiate, to which I respond, every time you're in the same room with me you have a chance!


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Together 27 years, married 26 and his touch STILL makes me weak in the knees - always has, always will.


Girl me too! We are alike in that aspect. I'm horny I'm initiating. All I need is a yes too. Together 22 years married for 20. I think I'm more like a man though sexually. Mostly I don't need all that romantic stuff that women need however my husband DOES. :scratchhead: 

Total role reversal here.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

nader said:


> Yes, the more rejection the more it feels like badgering. She has told me before that I don't get her a chance to initiate, to which I respond, every time you're in the same room with me you have a chance!


One day I asked my husband this: How come I feel I am doing a lot of initiating in our sex life? 

My husband asked me back: Who is hornier these days? You don't give me any chance to initiate. Just like your wife said! ( Last year might have been my peak, I wanted sex three times a day.)

I think the one who is hornier initiates more. 

Now I want sex maybe once a day, sometimes once in two days. I noticed that my husband is asking me to go to bed to assume my position more often now!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

nader said:


> Men want to feel desired, and to know their wives have the hots for them.


Like Trenton, I do this with flirty attitude and talk, flash a lift of the skirt as I walk by... I rarely pin him against the wall...


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I want him to spend time with me. Give me his undivided attention.


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## bunnybear (Jan 13, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> sounds like you initiate to me.
> 
> wish my wife would wear something sexy to she she is receptive.


I call it teasing? Back then I used to be very aggressive like instead of just walking around, just jump or grab with no warning when I'm turned on.


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## reader27 (Apr 26, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I don't really understand all the threads from guys complaining that their wives don't initiate. Why does it matter who initiates? Biologically and socially, women are 'wired' to be receptive/responsive, more than initiative. So, if your wife is like that, why not just work with it?


A lot of men are wired to be receptive/responsive rather than initiative. They want their wives to initiate for similar reasons to why their wives want them to initiate. Usually whichever side has a higher sex drive will end up being forced to initiate.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

reader27 said:


> A lot of men are wired to be receptive/responsive rather than initiative. They want their wives to initiate for similar reasons to why their wives want them to initiate. Usually whichever side has a higher sex drive will end up being forced to initiate.


I think I would initiate WAY more than my virtually never IF I was more secure about what he wants from our relationship. Yes I'd love to be 'jumping his bones' (as someone puts it) quite often if it weren't for the insecurity and disagreements. I think some of the time his sex drive is higher but he thinks it's always higher. He's wrong.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Nothing makes me want to initiate more than a good conversation. After my husband and I talk about something and both come from the discourse feeling satisfied, I want to jump his bones. By taking the time to TALK to me, not just listen to what I'm saying but actively engage in a conversation with me he reassures me that he is my best friend and that he finds me interesting. 

The times when I remember initating the most were right after we had a night where we just had fun - talking, laughing, and just enjoying each other's company.


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## steak (May 6, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I don't really understand all the threads from guys complaining that their wives don't initiate. Why does it matter who initiates?


Because men would like to feel wanted and desired too. Which obviously you women have a hard time comprehending.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

steak said:


> Because men would like to feel wanted and desired too. Which obviously you women have a hard time comprehending.


I don't think that's fair. I used to ask my husband if he would please initiate a conversation with me and he would say, "If you want to talk to me, just talk. I'm listening." 

The same could be said of a woman initiating sex. Just as it isn't natural for most men to want to talk as much as women, it's not a natural thing for most women to want to initiate sex. That doesn't mean she won't be receptive to it. 

I'm not saying we shouldn't all step outside our boxes and do what our partner wants, but our partners should also empathize that it's not very easy to do something that doesn't come naturally to us.


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## steak (May 6, 2011)

themrs said:


> I don't think that's fair. I used to ask my husband if he would please initiate a conversation with me and he would say, "If you want to talk to me, just talk. I'm listening."
> 
> The same could be said of a woman initiating sex. Just as it isn't natural for most men to want to talk as much as women, it's not a natural thing for most women to want to initiate sex. That doesn't mean she won't be receptive to it.
> 
> I'm not saying we shouldn't all step outside our boxes and do what our partner wants, but our partners should also empathize that it's not very easy to do something that doesn't come naturally to us.


To be fair, I think you are right. 

Women don't and I think shouldn't initiate sex, quite simply because if you do initiate sex it's not because you want sex... it's because you want to make your man happy. And that eliminates the whole purpose of initiating sex.

I think most men would like to feel that their wife/girlfriend likes sex, and if the woman is only initating to make him happy it doesn't show that she likes sex at all.

I think it's pretty obvious. Men like women more than women like men.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

steak said:


> To be fair, I think you are right.
> 
> Women don't and I think shouldn't initiate sex, quite simply because if you do initiate sex it's not because you want sex... it's because you want to make your man happy. And that eliminates the whole purpose of initiating sex.
> 
> ...


I don't think that's true either. I think men and women need each other equally. We just show our love for one another in different ways. 

I don't think it's a bad thing to initiate simply because you want to please your husband. I do it all the time and enthusiastically (I might add). He complained to me a few months back that he wasn't getting as many BJs as he'd like so I gave him more. What's wrong with that? I want to please him so I did what he asked. If he hadn't asked, I wouldn't have known he wanted more so he wouldn't have gotten more. Now, he can look at it like I don't love him because I wasn't performing nightly prior to this, or he can take the more positive perspective that I love him and want to make him happy so I am doing it now. 

It doesn't mean I didn't love him or wasn't attracted to him enough to do it before. It's just not in my nature to WANT to give a bj all the time. Sue me. But I do WANT my husband happy, so I acquiesce.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

steak said:


> To be fair, I think you are right.
> 
> Women don't and I think shouldn't initiate sex, quite simply because if you do initiate sex it's not because you want sex... it's because you want to make your man happy. And that eliminates the whole purpose of initiating sex.
> 
> ...


Just because a wife has a lower drive or just because she does not initiate does NOT necessarily mean that she doesn't like sex. Quite the contrary, it may only mean that it takes her longer to warm up and once she gets going - watch out! I find that a woman initiating to make her husband happy, and being enthusiastic about it despite having a lower drive, for instance, shows a lot of commitment and desire toward their husband. You can just ask my DH if you don't believe me.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

I talked to my husband about that 8 hr ramp up time thing...I told him, "look when couples are dating,the woman has most of the day if not a few days to look forward to that date and get her mind in the sexual arena. once you're married that person is in your face all the time and guys expect a woman to just be able to switch it on like they do with no prep time." So he looks at his watch and says, "it's noon now...I will be horny in 8 hours. be ready."

:rofl:


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

nader said:


> Yes, the more rejection the more it feels like badgering. She has told me before that I don't get her a chance to initiate, to which I respond, every time you're in the same room with me you have a chance!


I think you really need to take in what the women here are saying. Most of them do not initiate or initiate often. If you want sex a lot and she is interested and willing most of the time then that's a good thing.

Personally I wouldn't want to feel I had to initiate all the time, as a woman I need to feel desired, chased a little and flirted with. If this does not happen I lose my sexual desire for him. I feel like I don't want sex much less feel like initiating.


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## steak (May 6, 2011)

Syrum said:


> *Personally I wouldn't want to feel I had to initiate all the time, *as a woman I need to feel desired, chased a little and flirted with. If this does not happen I lose my sexual desire for him. I feel like I don't want sex much less feel like initiating.



Neither do men.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I still believe that it should not matter who starts it, but matters instead that it ends satisfactorily for both.

Normally, you find the higher drive spouse likely to initiate more. Often this is the husband, but there are plenty of higher drive wives as well. I think that those who initiate more often sometimes get tired of it because it appears that the "success rate" isn't very high. That is why I firmly believe (especially since I am a low drive wife and have intimate experience with this) that you can make a DECISION (yes - use the biggest sex organ you have - it's located between your ears) to go along and participate happily or even to initiate sometimes if your spouse needs that.

I would bet that those who are initiating would not be complaining if every time they initiated their spouse responded to them enthusiastically and joyfully. It doesn't matter who starts the fire, just that it's a-burning.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

I think much of this has to do with mutual respect, and willingness to accommodate another person's request, simply because the person is requesting it.

If my wife asks me to remember to let the dog out in the morning, I'll do my best to do what she asks, for no other reason than that she asked me to. Or say if I wanted exactly 3 ice cubes in my tea at dinnertime, she would do her best to remember that. We wouldn't get it right every single time, but we would make a point of it, because we feel like we should!

As long as requests are not unreasonable, I think the same should go for sex. So why doesn't it?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

nader said:


> I think much of this has to do with mutual respect, and willingness to accommodate another person's request, simply because the person is requesting it.
> 
> If my wife asks me to remember to let the dog out in the morning, I'll do my best to do what she asks, for no other reason than that she asked me to. Or say if I wanted exactly 3 ice cubes in my tea at dinnertime, she would do her best to remember that. We wouldn't get it right every single time, but we would make a point of it, because we feel like we should!
> 
> As long as requests are not unreasonable, I think the same should go for sex. So why doesn't it?


I agree with you. I know that I have a much lower drive than my spouse. That doesn't mean that I should ignore what I consider to be his *reasonable* needs. I think that maybe the reason it is harder, in general, for many spouses to not be able to respond to reasonable requests for sex, is 1) selfishness and 2) entitlement - as in "this is MY body and I get to say when". I can understand #2, especially in cases where you have a very selfish and insensitive partner (see all the threads there are regarding resentments due to this). However, #1 is extremely prevalent in our society and relationships, and I think that it is really what makes all things head toward the weeds.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Syrum said:


> I think you really need to take in what the women here are saying. Most of them do not initiate or initiate often. If you want sex a lot and she is interested and willing most of the time then that's a good thing.
> 
> Personally I wouldn't want to feel I had to initiate all the time, as a woman I need to feel desired, chased a little and flirted with. If this does not happen I lose my sexual desire for him. I feel like I don't want sex much less feel like initiating.


I agree. I don't want to be the pursuer of sex in my marriage. It doesn't feel lady like. If I put on a sexy night gown and walk in front of the tv, you know what time it is. That's about the most I'm going to do. 

I will initiate more aggressively, but to be honest it's solely for the enjoyment of my husband and it really doesn't turn me on.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

themrs said:


> I agree. I don't want to be the pursuer of sex in my marriage. It doesn't feel lady like. If I put on a sexy night gown and walk in front of the tv, you know what time it is. That's about the most I'm going to do.
> 
> I will initiate more aggressively, but to be honest it's solely for the enjoyment of my husband and it really doesn't turn me on.


You know, this got me thinking. It's likely that many women are initiating, but it may be in just a much more subtle way. I guess I would have to ask the men, when they say that their spouse doesn't "initiate" what is it they are expecting - their spouse to jump them, pant all over them, be very aggressive? The way described here is often how I will initiate, but my DH is on to my clues, so he doesn't go away empty-handed.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Enchantment said:


> You know, this got me thinking. It's likely that many women are initiating, but it may be in just a much more subtle way. I guess I would have to ask the men, when they say that their spouse doesn't "initiate" what is it they are expecting - their spouse to jump them, pant all over them, be very aggressive? The way described here is often how I will initiate, but my DH is on to my clues, so he doesn't go away empty-handed.


There was a post about that exact subject not too long ago. The man's wife was putting her hand on his thigh as a way of initiating and he felt it wasn't enough as did other men in the thread.

I tried to tell them that she was initiating in her own way and not to force her but to just keep telling her she's doing well and she will come around to just jumping on him.

But I think that is another aspect to this topic. The way women initate often doesn't LOOK like how men do it. I think this should be accepted as well.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

some guys hone in on subtle clues...some are too distracted to notice. 

if i so much as rub hubby's arm he thinks it's go time...which...it usually is but still! lol


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

WhiteRabbit said:


> some guys hone in on subtle clues...some are too distracted to notice.
> 
> if i so much as rub hubby's arm he thinks it's go time...which...it usually is but still! lol


See, to me this isn't a subtle clue. Why else would I be rubbing on you? But I'm a woman so it makes sense to me. If my husband is rubbing on my body I assume he wants to have sex, so why not the other way around?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

nader said:


> I think much of this has to do with mutual respect, and willingness to accommodate another person's request, simply because the person is requesting it.
> 
> If my wife asks me to remember to let the dog out in the morning, I'll do my best to do what she asks, for no other reason than that she asked me to. Or say if I wanted exactly 3 ice cubes in my tea at dinnertime, she would do her best to remember that. We wouldn't get it right every single time, but we would make a point of it, because we feel like we should!
> 
> As long as requests are not unreasonable, I think the same should go for sex. So why doesn't it?


Because it's not the same thing as a chore and if you want to make it a chore that is what will happen.

I as a woman do not think it's unreasonable for him to want sex, nor to have regular sex, nor to even spice up the sex. But it does not turn me on to initiate. If he wanted me to initiate a lot then I would not feel attractive as a woman. this would be damaging to our sex lives, and counter productive.

I will however initiate sometimes if I feel very attractive and desired and he has been very manly and dominate, because then I still feel feminine and sexy.

What if she requests you initiate 99% of the time, because that is what turns her on and what she is comfortable with.

I also agree with the mrs.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

steak said:


> Neither do men.


Really? Well the men I have been with have never complained, maybe because the sex was regular and pretty good, if I do say so myself.

I also said I am happy to initiate some of the time. but men cannot seriously ignore the biological and sociological conditions we live in and expect women to be socialized or conditioned to behave that way most of the time. It's fairly unreasonable actually.

Is this a by product of porn? Just asking.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

If one person is doing all the work, that's essentially begging. I am not a beggar I don't want her handouts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Runs like Dog said:


> If one person is doing all the work, that's essentially begging. I am not a beggar I don't want her handouts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The bottom line is, the person who wants it more should do the asking more. That's common sense. 

If I want a romantic evening, I can wait for my husband to get the urge to light candles and buy roses or I can just do those thnigs myself and ask him to join me. I've got a better shot at what I want with the latter.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> Like Trenton, I do this with flirty attitude and talk, flash a lift of the skirt as I walk by... I rarely pin him against the wall...


This is perfectly acceptable to me as far as initiating goes! So long as I don't get rejected when I try to take it to the next level. I don't NEED to have my bones jumped upon to give credit for initiating, although that doesn't hurt at all.  Just let me know that you're attracted to me and interested in some action.

C


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

themrs said:


> The bottom line is, the person who wants it more should do the asking more. That's common sense.
> 
> If I want a romantic evening, I can wait for my husband to get the urge to light candles and buy roses or I can just do those thnigs myself and ask him to join me. I've got a better shot at what I want with the latter.


But if you do that, then what? Are you saying nothing happens at all? Never? Because that's what I'm talking about. I really don't care WHAT she thinks 'initiating' IS. Truly. Do SOMETHING. ANYTHING. Stand on your ****ing head, brush your hair, go to bed 30 mins early. I'm talking about a living breathing woman who sits there like a potato.


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## reader27 (Apr 26, 2011)

themrs said:


> The bottom line is, the person who wants it more should do the asking more. That's common sense.


It seems like it might actually work better if the person who wants it less did the asking more. The low drive spouse is a lot less likely to be rejected when they want sex than the high drive spouse.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Runs like Dog said:


> But if you do that, then what? Are you saying nothing happens at all? Never? Because that's what I'm talking about. I really don't care WHAT she thinks 'initiating' IS. Truly. Do SOMETHING. ANYTHING. Stand on your ****ing head, brush your hair, go to bed 30 mins early. I'm talking about a living breathing woman who sits there like a potato.


You're right.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

reader27 said:


> It seems like it might actually work better if the person who wants it less did the asking more. The low drive spouse is a lot less likely to be rejected when they want sex than the high drive spouse.


That doesn't make sense. If you want it less, what would motivate you to ask for more? 

The ideal situation is this - the HD spouse initiates more often and the LD spouse rarely rejects the offer. The LD spouse takes the inititive to start things up some of the time. I think a 30/70 split is fair.

So far this month, my husband and I have had sex 11 times. Of those times, I've initiated about 4 but I never turned him down or acted unenthusiastic the other 7 times. I don't think that's too shabby.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> But if you do that, then what? Are you saying nothing happens at all? Never? Because that's what I'm talking about. I really don't care WHAT she thinks 'initiating' IS. Truly. Do SOMETHING. ANYTHING. Stand on your ****ing head, brush your hair, go to bed 30 mins early. I'm talking about a living breathing woman who sits there like a potato.


Well I do do things, but I'm not really clear on what Nader thinks intiating is for women, because that's all ready been covered.

I do dress up for my fiance, and sometimes I will start touching him or start giving him a BJ, like in the shower the other day, however it is not in me to initiate most of the time.

No one said they lie there like a sack of potatoes, of course if he initiates, I join in and I carress him, kiss him, give BJ's etc etc.

I find men who take the initiative very sexy, and most of the posts here are about that kind of thing, that women do not find men who want to sit back attractive, they want men who are not afraid to act manly and dominate and put themselves out there for their women.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> You know, this got me thinking. It's likely that many women are initiating, but it may be in just a much more subtle way. I guess I would have to ask the men, when they say that their spouse doesn't "initiate" what is it they are expecting - their spouse to jump them, pant all over them, be very aggressive? The way described here is often how I will initiate, but my DH is on to my clues, so he doesn't go away empty-handed.


So WHAT do people consider "initiating" (by a woman) to be? Because I for one think that's key. If I take the trouble to look as good as I can, maybe a slick of lipstick which I know he likes, some of the perfume he likes, and pop my head in the living room to say I'm off to bed, is that enough or does it require some kind of flirty talk which I'm not good at? (hints and tips welcome!)



themrs said:


> That doesn't make sense. If you want it less, what would motivate you to ask for more?
> 
> The ideal situation is this - the HD spouse initiates more often and the LD spouse rarely rejects the offer. The LD spouse takes the inititive to start things up some of the time. I think a 30/70 split is fair.
> 
> So far this month, my husband and I have had sex 11 times. Of those times, I've initiated about 4 but I never turned him down or acted unenthusiastic the other 7 times. I don't think that's too shabby.


Jealous jealous jealous Mind you, we do live half the time in different continents AND have issues! Twice in two months anyone? !!


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

t is about feeling wanted and desired, and that your wife wants to be with you so badly that she can't stand it. By initiating, I am thinking of actually starting with sex. Making the first move to start kissing, initiating oral, etc. This can be physical or merely verbal. Every now and then I would like my wife to greet me at the door when I come home, start kissing me passionately and just rip my clothes off.

Sexy txts during the workday, that make it clear that I'm about to get some when I come home - that's great too. I I know it can't be this way all the time, but every once in awhile would make a HUGE difference.


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## AFW8 (Oct 24, 2010)

I'd say our initiation towards eachother is 50/50. Sometimes ill be at work and DING.....I need it. And its weird cuz on days like those ill have a plan of when I get home ill go straight to the bedroom and dress up in something naughty, and other times I walk in the door and im pounced on, LOL! He can tell when I'm being *****y, because that usually means I need it. Most of the time for me I can just watch a sexy movie, show, and that usually turns it on for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

madimoff said:


> So WHAT do people consider "initiating" (by a woman) to be? Because I for one think that's key. If I take the trouble to look as good as I can, maybe a slick of lipstick which I know he likes, some of the perfume he likes, and pop my head in the living room to say I'm off to bed, is that enough or does it require some kind of flirty talk which I'm not good at? (hints and tips welcome!)
> 
> 
> 
> Jealous jealous jealous Mind you, we do live half the time in different continents AND have issues! Twice in two months anyone? !!


Madimoff, seriously that would be good enough for me to count it as initiating. Maybe when you pop your head in to say you're off to bed, make sure he sees you're not wearing your flannel jammies or something. You could also give him a "better than average" kiss good night.

My stbx-wife would request a massage at times, and what she was wearing when I went to give her the massage would let me know if she was taking the initiative. I didn't need her to jump on top of me to initiate. Just letting me know that I wasn't going to get rejected was good enough for me.

My current GF does initiate very clearly. Like the pushing me backwards till I fall over on the bed and she climbs on top, text messages during the day that I'd blush if anyone else read them, etc. And while I enjoy her way of approaching things more than my stbx's, it's just different personalities.

C


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

nader said:


> Ladies,
> 
> Just would like to hear some insight on what kind of specific day-to-day actions, behaviors, etc. make you want to initiate sex? If you were on the fence about whether or not to engage, what would put you over the edge and make you want to jump your DH?


I have a high sex drive, so I am raring to go _all the time_. He likes to randomly caress my breasts, sometimes through my top or under it. :smthumbup: That does it for me, as do the passionate kisses I get at least twice a day. Not having sex for a few days increases anticaption; I woke Mr.G up at 5am yesterday and jumped him.


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