# Been reading BBW posts and wondering what the next step would be



## poets't heart (Jan 1, 2010)

Some issues have developed in my marraige over the last 4 years that I now realize are all too common.  One of the issues has been frequency of sex. Lately I have lost a lot of weight and have increased energy though. Frequency is 2-3 times a night. She never turns me down.

But she never initiates things either.

Also, I feel that she is controlling. She will interupt me when I am talking with my daughter. I can not think of a single time that when we had a disagreement, that we discussed things in a rational manner and she listened to my point of view and actually changed her mind. Her attitude is always fine! do it your way then!. Often times with contempt.

We have the same goals for our kids but perhaps a different way to get there. She cuts me off when I begin to talk about my values.

During one discussion she stated, "the way yo think, there will be a divorce..and i will take the kids and you will never see them!"

There are issues with my MIL

I tend to be patient with the children and usually say positive things. I feel that her interactions are mostly negative. She tends to put the kids down. 

I want to talk to her about the issues. My attempts in the past have failed as she gets defensive, however I have also not clearly articulated to her how unhappy I have become.

Things have gotten so bad that I contemplated looking elsewhere. It was not a PA but may have been an EA. That has ended.

I s communicating the issues the way to go here? Perhaps taking action would be better. I worry about flare ups in front of the children though. My increased assertiveness has been viewed by her as me being critical.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

poets't heart said:


> Some issues have developed in my marraige over the last 4 years that I now realize are all too common. One of the issues has been frequency of sex. Lately I have lost a lot of weight and have increased energy though. Frequency is 2-3 times a night. She never turns me down.
> 
> But she never initiates things either.
> 
> ...



It is good that have you gotten control over yourself physically and increased the sex. 

Your woman will "initiate" more when she respects you as man, as it is right now the picture is only have finished, as she is attracted to your physique and sexual dominance in the physical area, but the emotional aspects of the relationship are still lacking.

She is still not respecting you.

When you are not able to say what you need to say without interruption, this is very disrespectful. 

To fix this, it is two things.

First, lead by example. To practice truly listening to someone take much work for most people. It is a good idea to repeat, even if a brief summary, what you have heard your woman say every now and then. This reinforces to her that you are listening, and you respect her enough to do so.

Second, when you are interupted yourself, always remain calm and collected, never shout or in any way be "reactionary" to being interrupted. Instead the stern, diliberate glance looking into the eyes, and saying very cool and steady that you do not appreciate being interupted, you do not interupt her and you expect to be treated with as much respect, and you expect it to stop.

This make take a few times, but if you are consistent you and your woman will be happy with the results, as instead of fighting or building resentment, insteald there is mutual two-way communication.

Your woman will be loving to see you always calm and in control, even in times she is not. Read this many times if necessary, I cannot emphasize how important that is to a woman!

The other things, it is difficult to tell you play-by-play how to address each of these things, but it is always the same techniques, in every area make sure you are control of yourself.

For example, do not let the woman control you with threat of divorce. 

Something simple, as a suggestion only, said very calmly and matter of factly as in "I don't think you would be happy to see the side of me that would come out during a divorce proceeding, as I would do anything to protect my children", and then to go on about some task as if you are just as comfortable engaging her in a fierce divorce as you would be to take out the trash.

Again this is just an example, but I hope you see the point.

The flare ups in front of the children, this is a good priority for you to not want, but this is not an excuse to not confront the issues.

Instead the key is to still confront, and confront often actually. But instead of "flare ups" it is better to simply not even raise your voice, even if your woman is throwing a tantrum.

When this happens, even to calmly say "we will discuss this later when you are able to discuss this as an adult" and walk away, has much power, as the woman will see that you are not swayed like the wind when she is testing you.

For example, in my relationship I view any and every confrontation as the opportunity to demonstrate that I can be calm, adult, and even humorous and playful as my wife and I work some issue out. Know this, humor is a show of strength.

And if something is needing to be said or brought up, I will make sure it is me bringing it up as often as necessary as well. Again it is my experience that the woman will appreciate the man being attentive and dominant enough to address issues head on.

Finally, actions always speak louder than words. It is my practice to communicate verbally at first calmly and clearly, invite feedback, and make sure the actions match the words.

I hope something in this is helpful to you.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

poets't heart said:


> But she never initiates things either.


Just ignore this issue. Men get all bent out of shape over their woman not initating sex when it's about the same as sitting in your car and complaining that the car doesn't start itself for you. You got the keys dude.




poets't heart said:


> Also, I feel that she is controlling. She will interupt me when I am talking with my daughter. I can not think of a single time that when we had a disagreement, that we discussed things in a rational manner and she listened to my point of view and actually changed her mind. Her attitude is always fine! do it your way then!. Often times with contempt.


This is because it's all just a fitness test. There may be no actual issue of any great importance here, she's just testing you. If there are legit issues, talk about them. But if it's all just verbal diarrhea about BS that's just being made up as she goes, or just oppositional in nature (i.e. you say "X", and she is automatically "against X" just because you said "X") then you need to deflect the argument. "You just appear to be wanting to fight with me, and I'm not going to take part in this".




poets't heart said:


> During one discussion she stated, "the way yo think, there will be a divorce..and i will take the kids and you will never see them!"


"I think you have more to lose in a divorce than I do. I would rather work on his relationship than end it, but if you're talking about divorce things between us are obviously getting quite serious. Lets go to marriage counseling."




poets't heart said:


> There are issues with my MIL


Politely inform her that this is not her marriage to be involved in.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

poets't heart said:


> Frequency is 2-3 times a night. She never turns me down.
> 
> But she never initiates things either.


the kids get put to bed, its late, and you initiate 2-3 times before she goes to bed. when would she initiate? you're not giving her a chance turbo. your sex drive is great, but you gotta sacrifice a little pain of lust for some love. 



poets't heart said:


> Also, I feel that she is controlling. She will interupt me when I am talking with my daughter. I can not think of a single time that when we had a disagreement, that we discussed things in a rational manner and she listened to my point of view and actually changed her mind. Her attitude is always fine! do it your way then!. Often times with contempt.
> 
> We have the same goals for our kids but perhaps a different way to get there. She cuts me off when I begin to talk about my values.


it sounds like you both have the same way of getting to your goal- trying to get the other to stop being controlling. she thinks you're controlling, too. you're both just interested in getting your way.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

A woman who never initiates is responsive, not attracted. Do not make the mistake of confusing the two.

BBW has some good advice about acting like an adult. Expect the same from her and model that behavior, get counseling as necessary. Do not assume, however, that everything you do is always "right" or the only way to do things--in an adult conversation, you can admit your mistakes, and in your life you can accommodate changes that you judge are healthy for the marriage. Do not ignore her idea about what is healthy, but ultimately each of you must make your own decision about what is healthy for the marriage. When you reach an impasse, it's time for counseling--compromise is essential but must be done right and with give and take on both sides. 

There really are somethings that people cannot compromise on, but these are very few and far between (issues of faith may be one). It is best to try to figure out what issues you cannot compromise on, and discuss those before marriage; most people don't, however, so that leads to some potentially irreconcilable differences. Rare, but it can happen, and two adults in this situation can find a work around.


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## poets't heart (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks for the feedback everyone


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