# Seven months of hell



## ItsAStruggle

Seven months ago my happy marriage imploded. My husband of 31 years told me he was gay. A week layer I found out he had actually acted on it. We separated and I filed for divorce .i wanted it done so I asked for nothing and he promised to help. Divorce finalized and he gave me $16000 to help with my rent for the next 16 months. He also takes care of my car payment but will fake the car back in December when his lease runs out.

I lost a marriage i treasured.
I lost my best friend.
I lost all but a few belongings.
I lost my 2 dogs who I adore. He rarely lets me see them his male friends are entertained at his apartment.
I lost financial security.
I lost spending time with our couple friends. 
I lost my security.
I lost any self esteem thatI had.
I lost the respect of our grown son. He has been supportive of both of us but sees me as a sad mess who needs to move on.
I lost my in laws.

I dont think I can do any of this.


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## BeyondRepair007

ItsAStruggle said:


> Seven months ago my happy marriage imploded. My husband of 31 years told me he was gay. A week layer I found out he had actually acted on it. We separated and I filed for divorce .i wanted it done so I asked for nothing and he promised to help. Divorce finalized and he gave me $16000 to help with my rent for the next 16 months. He also takes care of my car payment but will fake the car back in December when his lease runs out.
> 
> I lost a marriage i treasured.
> I lost my best friend.
> I lost all but a few belongings.
> I lost my 2 dogs who I adore. He rarely lets me see them his male friends are entertained at his apartment.
> I lost financial security.
> I lost spending time with our couple friends.
> I lost my security.
> I lost any self esteem thatI had.
> I lost the respect of our grown son. He has been supportive of both of us but sees me as a sad mess who needs to move on.
> I lost my in laws.
> 
> I dont think I can do any of this.


So sorry @ItsAStruggle 
Infidelity and divorce can do all of those things, regardless of the circumstances. 31 years is a long time and healing won’t happen quickly.

And often the other person walks away with little or no consequences so it’s an extra bitter pill.

2 things caught my eye above out your list
Self-esteem. Don’t do that to yourself. Nothing about this was your fault. He is who he is and he committed adultery and it was not because of you at all. Nothing you did could have caused it or stopped it. He did it because he is a lier and a cheat. Ive been there and I spent years in the self-esteem trap that you are setting for yourself. It’s a terrible place.

Your grown son. Think of this like grief, which it very much can be. There’s no time limit to ‘moving on’, you have to take one day at a time. You’ll get there when you get there and no one in the world can tell you when that will be.

However, I will tell you not to let yourself lay there in your own pity (yes I did that too). Make yourself get up and be active as much as you can. Get your mind on other things, go to the park, find a hobby. Do you attend church? Maybe volunteer there.

You CAN do this because you have too.
chin up! The sun will come out tomorrow.
🌻


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## Evinrude58

Great post above. Accurate and true. I couldn’t add anything. Wishing you the best though.


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## Marc878

Wake u_p and realize you didn’t lose much. _


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## manfromlamancha

You need to look at this in terms of what you have GAINED!

You have gained the truth instead of living more of a lie.
You are free off a pretender, liar and now as it turns out, a selfish person and a cheat.
You have been a God given gift of being able to find somebody that truly loves and cherishes you.
You have been give a second chance at life.

There are many that would give their right arm for the gift that you have been given, All the other stuff will be dealt with once you acknowledge this - the loneliness and lack of friends, the money, the other material stuff - all of this will come. Rejoice and enjoy your freedom and second chance at life.


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## DownByTheRiver

ItsAStruggle said:


> Seven months ago my happy marriage imploded. My husband of 31 years told me he was gay. A week layer I found out he had actually acted on it. We separated and I filed for divorce .i wanted it done so I asked for nothing and he promised to help. Divorce finalized and he gave me $16000 to help with my rent for the next 16 months. He also takes care of my car payment but will fake the car back in December when his lease runs out.
> 
> I lost a marriage i treasured.
> I lost my best friend.
> I lost all but a few belongings.
> I lost my 2 dogs who I adore. He rarely lets me see them his male friends are entertained at his apartment.
> I lost financial security.
> I lost spending time with our couple friends.
> I lost my security.
> I lost any self esteem thatI had.
> I lost the respect of our grown son. He has been supportive of both of us but sees me as a sad mess who needs to move on.
> I lost my in laws.
> 
> I dont think I can do any of this.


I'm so sorry that happened to you. You've handled it nicely and you should get credit for that from everyone for being decent and cooperative about it.

I'm guessing you could still talk to your in-laws if you wanted to. And you're going to have to find friends who aren't coupled up probably. I know how that goes.

Once the dust has settled, please make it a priority to take up a hobby or interest that is active and gets you out among people with common interest. That's the best way to build a social life because then you start off having something in common to do together. It could be anything from bowling to wine tasting to joining a paranormal or some other hobby group and going to meetings and events.

You need to have something of your own to keep you motivated. I know you don't probably feel like going and doing anything because of being depressed but that's even more reason to make yourself do it because it'll help you get out of it earlier.

Again I'm so sorry that your life took this turn.


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## Young at Heart

ItsAStruggle said:


> Seven months ago my happy marriage imploded. My husband of 31 years told me he was gay. A week layer I found out he had actually acted on it. We separated and I filed for divorce .i wanted it done so I asked for nothing and he promised to help. Divorce finalized and he gave me $16000 to help with my rent for the next 16 months. He also takes care of my car payment but will fake the car back in December when his lease runs out.
> 
> I lost a marriage i treasured.
> I lost my best friend.
> I lost all but a few belongings.
> I lost my 2 dogs who I adore. He rarely lets me see them his male friends are entertained at his apartment.
> I lost financial security.
> I lost spending time with our couple friends.
> I lost my security.
> I lost any self esteem thatI had.
> I lost the respect of our grown son. He has been supportive of both of us but sees me as a sad mess who needs to move on.
> I lost my in laws.
> 
> I dont think I can do any of this.


Loosing a marriage of 31 years is beyond horrible. My heart goes out to you.

Listen to your grown son. He is speaking to you with love for you.

You seem to want to become a victim of the situation. You need to pull yourself together and not become a victim you what you ex did to you. You deserve to lead a good healthy life. Yes it will be painful, but you need to be brave and work at living a good life. 

And yes you can do it, you just need to reach out for help and support. Yes, your marriage and your best friend are gone, sort of. If he could do that to you he wasn't really your best friend. If he could keep that a secret from you it probably wasn't a marriage built upon honesty or trust.

All the other things are still things you can have in your life. it just might take some time. Reach out to couples you knew, in-laws, your son and others, if they really were friends they will help comfort you. If they don't, then they weren't really your friends.

Good luck. You might want to take a little of that money and spend some on some individual counseling or you might find a priest or minister to talk to. Some work work healthcare policies also include life coaching sessions, if you have an employer check with them.

Good luck.


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## SunCMars

ItsAStruggle said:


> Seven months ago my happy marriage imploded. My husband of 31 years told me he was gay. A week layer I found out he had actually acted on it. We separated and I filed for divorce .i wanted it done so I asked for nothing and he promised to help. Divorce finalized and he gave me $16000 to help with my rent for the next 16 months. He also takes care of my car payment but will fake the car back in December when his lease runs out.
> 
> I lost a marriage i treasured.
> I lost my best friend.
> I lost all but a few belongings.
> I lost my 2 dogs who I adore. He rarely lets me see them his male friends are entertained at his apartment.
> I lost financial security.
> I lost spending time with our couple friends.
> I lost my security.
> I lost any self esteem thatI had.
> I lost the respect of our grown son. He has been supportive of both of us but sees me as a sad mess who needs to move on.
> I lost my in laws.
> 
> I dont think I can do any of this.


You lost what was never yours.
I would mourn, only the dogs.

He has known for years that he was gay.
I doubt he has (just now), acted out.

You gained reality and agency.
Agency is the ability to act, when knowing the facts, the real truth.

When _your_ hot mess cools, your son will return.
Hopefully, he has not found himself in that other surreal, reality.

In a couple of years you will discover your wounds are not fatal.
You will also find out that the others, those former friends, former family.....will still be lost in their own fog.

You will slowly create a new sphere of friends.
Maybe, even a lover.
Yes, those, more worthy.

I suspect...

Once you get past this, some of the others will trickle back into your life.
If you let them, want them.

It is the hot mess, that is you, that they (mostly) are avoiding.
Who seeks out drama?

Go to therapy, get well.

In truth, you have been better served by Fate, than has your, soon to be, ex husband and his allies.
Think about this.




_Nemesis-_


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## ItsAStruggle

I appreciate those who responded. It gave me some things to consider. I dont want to feel hopeless. I hope to find myself again.


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## BeyondRepair007

ItsAStruggle said:


> I appreciate those who responded. It gave me some things to consider. I dont want to feel hopeless. I hope to find myself again.


Good to hear.
Remember, most of the people here have been where you are with varying circumstances. We all made it through. And they give great advice.

There is hope. Cling to that and take every day one at a time.


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## ItsAStruggle

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Good to hear.
> Remember, most of the people here have been where you are with varying circumstances. We all made it through. And they give great advice.
> 
> There is hope. Cling to that and take every day one at a time.


I appreciate the nice folks who realize some people may take more time than others. Seven months in and I'm still struggling.


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## Young at Heart

ItsAStruggle said:


> I appreciate the nice folks who realize some people may take more time than others. Seven months in and I'm still struggling.


Find a support group. It can be anything from an on-line book club, volunteering at some organization, a woman's hiking club or a true support group focused on people who are struggling after divorce or betrayal.

Get out and start living life, don't feel you should hide in shame. It wasn't your fault, it was his doing.

Avoid rebound relationships. Emotionally grieve the loss of your long term illusion of marriage, but above all heal emotionally and become an even better person from this horrible experience. The best revenge is to life a full and good life. Succeed in your recovery for yourself, for you adult son, and so your ex will know what a stupid fool he was.

Good luck.


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## Works

ItsAStruggle said:


> I appreciate the nice folks who realize some people may take more time than others. Seven months in and I'm still struggling.


One takes as much time as they need.. just don't live in the sorrow.. feel the feels and carry on. Things do get better. 🙏


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## BeyondRepair007

ItsAStruggle said:


> I appreciate the nice folks who realize some people may take more time than others. Seven months in and I'm still struggling.


It's important to realize that "it's ok" to take as long as you need.

But, as @Works and others have said, you should push yourself a little bit out of that sorrowful place or you may never leave. That would be bad.

Find a girlfriend or someone to confide in that can help you with this part. It will make it much easier in the long run (although sometimes people that want the best for you can be a PAIN  )


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## Bulfrog1987

ItsAStruggle said:


> Seven months ago my happy marriage imploded. My husband of 31 years told me he was gay. A week layer I found out he had actually acted on it. We separated and I filed for divorce .i wanted it done so I asked for nothing and he promised to help. Divorce finalized and he gave me $16000 to help with my rent for the next 16 months. He also takes care of my car payment but will fake the car back in December when his lease runs out.
> 
> I lost a marriage i treasured.
> I lost my best friend.
> I lost all but a few belongings.
> I lost my 2 dogs who I adore. He rarely lets me see them his male friends are entertained at his apartment.
> I lost financial security.
> I lost spending time with our couple friends.
> I lost my security.
> I lost any self esteem thatI had.
> I lost the respect of our grown son. He has been supportive of both of us but sees me as a sad mess who needs to move on.
> I lost my in laws.
> 
> I dont think I can do any of this.


You’re not a sad mess, he may be right about needing to move on. What good is staying in this place of poor me doing you? Making you miserable, that’s all it does. Now that being said, you’re certainly allowed to go there to that place but don’t live in.

You aren’t the reason your husband chose that lifestyle. That’s all him, get out and do something for yourself. I’m recently widowed (by suicide) so I know what it feels like when you think you might have been you that caused it or at the least a drain of your self esteem. But. There is life beyond what you’re feeling now! You’ve got totake it!


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## Works

@ItsAStruggle 

How are you doing?


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## Marc878

ItsAStruggle said:


> I appreciate those who responded. It gave me some things to consider. I dont want to feel hopeless. I hope to find myself again.


It’s your only good path out. There is no magic.


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