# Is Marriage still possible after infidelity?



## Tentpegs (May 3, 2012)

I'm new to this site and originally posted this under the marriage advice thread. Then I found this one and it seems more suitable. To those of you who have seen it twice now, I apologize:

I've been married to my wife for about 16 years now and it looks to me like things are going south. It started about a year and a half ago, with large numbers of texts back and forth between her and a male co-worker (whom I know, he's married with kids) from early in the day to late in the evening. When I confronted her about this she lied and told me it was about her truck (the guy has done mechanic work for us in the past. 

When it became obvious that I wasn't buying this, she finally told me that he had been suggesting that they "hook up" and she had been trying to get him to knock it off. I told her to tell her boss. She didn't want to get the guy in trouble she said, she just wanted it to stop. She figured that the guy had finally gotten the hint anyway, so I could just relax. 

I said fine, that I would believe her (I didn't, really, but I was determined to give her the benefit of the doubt regardless, she IS my wife) but that I didn't want to see any more texts between them. She said that was fine. 
A few days after that she called me crying and upset, she had been at the gym and the "trainer" had given her a poor assessment and she was really upset about it. We talked for a while, I calmed her down, told her I loved her and that the trainer was a jerk ("you're losing weight and feeling better about yourself right? Well then, what does it matter what some stick-skinny pimply-faced kid says? I Love You and I'm proud of you. You can be proud of yourself too for all your hard work and that's all that really matters!) and to ignore him and just keep plugging away. 

When I got home that night I was seized by a sudden impulse to check our phone records online. Sure enough I found a bunch of texts between her and the co-worker. I got up, paced around a bit and then saw her phone sitting on the counter. The only text she hadn't erased between them said "My husband is monitoring my texts so I will try and find a payphone so I can call you tonight." 
To make this even more confusing there were several texts between her and an old school friend of hers who she discussed the situation with via texts and she complained that she felt like she was being persecuted even though she was doing the right thing. "I might as well have "blanked" the guy considering my husbands reaction. That text right there gave me hope that nothing was actually going on. 
I talked to her about her other text and she told me that she was trying to call the co-worker to tell him that the texting thing was over and done with. 
Again, I didn't really buy it. Towards the end of the next month we were headed to her parents house for xmas and she suddenly decided that the 5 hour drive was the perfect time to fess up to everything. 
She told me that yes, they had been "sexting" and had even talked over getting together. she then went on to tell me that she met him in a bar to let him down face to face. She said she felt she owed him that much ... 
I can't remember the word she used... dignity, or respect or decency or something. Anyway the fact that she had gone out to see him really got under my skin. I told her that she was just whittling away at what was left of our marriage and that every time she did something like this a little more of what we had left died. 
A lot of you might not believe this but there wasn't any yelling or screaming or swearing. We discussed it. 

Since then I have tried to get past this, and have been basically unsuccessful. I have watched our phone records frequently, checked her cell phone regularly when I see texts going back and forth between them (they are all work related now of course) and finally I just decided to wait. Nobody is perfect. Everyone makes a mistake eventually. 
A year went by. Things have seemed to be getting better between my wife and I. I dropped my online gaming hobby and took up some of her hobbies instead. We joined a trivia night team at a local bar and have had a blast doing it. She bought a motorcycle last summer and I'm looking to do the same thing this spring: 
The Plan? To go on rides on weekends with picnic lunches and just have fun together. This was her idea I want you to understand. Like I said, things seemed to be getting better. 

About a week ago, I came home from taking the dogs to the vet and found the front door unlocked. I searched the house and didn't find anyone but my dogs were going berserk, barking, sniffing all around, etc. I noticed that my backpack was up on the counter and I decided that someone had been in our house. Maybe one of the maintenance guys (they all have keys) had come in to snoop around or something... nothing was missing, but things had been moved. So after I considered it I came up with a way to find out. I set up my webcam and placed it on "motion detection" the next time I was heading out to work. 

Well, I forgot about it and let the thing run for like a week. When I finally realized that it was still on I shut it down and then combed back through the videos, laughing at some of the stupid stuff that takes place in a house. 

The camera is set up so that it catches you as you pass from the living room into the dining room and kitchen area. There is no way to get anywhere else in the house (besides the living room) without tripping the motion detection and turning on the camera. I got videos of our dog swiping food off the counters and ripping through the trash, my wife eating jujubee's, the two of us having dinner and laughing, me drinking beer in the kitchen and trying really bad pick-up lines on my wife (You must be a parking ticket, cuz you got FINE written all over you!) and getting swatted with a kitchen towel while she laughed... 

And a phone call she got from her best gal-pal where she talked about her affair. 

The video was dated april 27th and she talked about the discussion she and the co-worker had earlier that day. "I looked at him today and said..." So, I now have actual evidence of... something. She refers to "this sexual thing we've got going on", and "...I asked him that and the only thing he said was 'I Love Her'" 
I assume the co-worker is referring to his wife there. The feeling I get from watching the videos is that whatever happened, the co-worker is trying to step away and my wife is feeling a little burned. He told her about a girl that lives up the street that is 24 (much younger than my wife), rail skinny with a big rack that hit on him and if "he was going to be the type that "did it" with everyone and had somebody else and that's why he quit having me..." 
Oddly, later she goes on to say to her friend that she's "doing the right thing". Maybe by this she means that she isn't pursuing him anymore... I don't know. I get only parts of the conversation. the camera is motion-activated and as she went out of the room and then came back in I got bits and peices. 
I confronted my wife later the same day, and flat asked her to her face if she wanted out of our marriage. I told her I didn't want to stay someplace that I wasn't wanted. 
She swore to my face that she loved me, wanted to grow old with me, still thought of me as her best friend. I desperately want to believe her, but with the contrary evidence sitting here on my desktop I find all of that a little hard to believe. My problem is, I really and truly love my wife and if there is any way I can salvage this, I will try. But I just can't think of how.

So there is my question to you. If you were in my shoes, what would YOU do?


----------



## gnome enthusiast (May 2, 2012)

Sorry to hear that, man. I AM in your shoes (caught my wife of 12 years sending a huge volume of texts to a male coworker in January) and I decided on divorce. I don't even know the content of those messages, but the volume and timing was enough to know she was up to no good. At first I was in denial and said I wanted to work things out...mostly for the kids. However, after alot of thought I realized that I could not be married to somebody I didn't trust or respect. It would just never work for me - every time her goddamn phone buzzes I have to wonder what she is hiding? Nope - it sucks, but I know deep down I could never be happy with her again (not that I have been thrilled with her over the past 18 months or so anyway). Hope to have the divorce finalized next month. Everybody is different, I hope things work out the way you want them to.


----------



## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Well, you have , definitely, busted your wife. She referenced a "sexual thing going", correct?
And, without going back and listing them all, she has lied quite a bit, no?
Right now, you know the tip of the iceberg re who you have been married to all these years/ Most affairs are never discovered. So, it is likely there were previous affairs.

In order to decide whether it is worth attempting to reconcile, you need to know the truth, so you can make an informed decision. and, THE TRUTH WILL NEVER COME FROM YOUR WIFE VOLUNTARILY.
Arrange for a polygraph. Do not tell her about it and continue your sleuthing. Never tell her what you know or how you know it until you are ready to confront. No doubt she will allege you took her"sexual thing going " comment out of context.
So, get more. Confont. She will lie. The make submitting to a polygraph a condition for your consideration of reconcilliation.
If she balks at all, youknow she is still lying and you need to get to an attorney.
Even if she comes clean and has genuine remorse, very few relationships survive infidelity. You may, initially, want to reconcile, primarily as a knee jerk reaction based on fear and a sense of competition with the other man.
That desire fades in most men at about the 2 year post discovery mark, when their fear has subsided and they are thinking more clearly.
Sorry your wife has abused you in this manner. She is very cruel at the moment. That may be her true nature. Your past with her is instructive on this.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Marriage is quite possible after infidelity. We are human, and everyone gets weak. Lies and deceit... That's the real motha fuxer to get over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She's lying and has been lying for quite a long time. She is having an affair, she is tellong her gf about the sexual thing with another man, she is discussing how he is poising her off by talking about aso cheating on her.

Seriously what more do you need? She isn't doing the right thing by a mile. Sexting another man, continuing an affair , an lying to you are all not the right thing.

Show her the video and give her two choices:

1. You can file for divorce and she can out today.

2. She can one fully clean. Take a polygraph to prove it,and she can end forever all contact with the OM. This will include quitting her job btw.

Don't debate, don't accept plea deals. She's worked long and hard to lie to you, but this is done now.

The next day YOU contact the OMW and tell her of the affair. Do not mention you are going to do this to your wife. Just do it,

Sir,you have been played big time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Marriage after infidelity depends on those involved as well as how many were involved. I'm firmly certain that I could never be with my ex after we split. In fact, I doubt that I could get a different woman to commit to marriage with me because it would be impossible for me to conceal my lack of trust. I would be constantly questioning in my mind every action she took.
This doesn't mean that I can't have any kind of relationship with the fairer sex, but when you are just dating on occasion, what she does when not with me is of no concern to me.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, the GF is in on it too, do clearly there are a number of people in your life that know this is going ornate no doubt laughing at how your wife has been able to cheat so easily right under you nose and you keep accepting her stories.

Time to show them this has ended,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

There is some good advice above this. My problem is the time, this has been going on for a [email protected] what point was she going to be done? Is she done? Is she only sorry b/c she's busted? While she was doing him.....was she doing you? Sick stuff brother. ONS is one thing, full blown, long term affair is another. She's disrespected you to the 10,000th power. She got her kicks, she laughed about it...she wasn't thinking about you @ all....it's clear to me, file, B done.
Mouse


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Tentpegs, my husband and I are reconciling after his long-term affair. Marriage after an affair is most definitely possible.

Your situation, however, is a textbook case of the axiom that 
cheaters lie
cheaters lie
cheaters lie

I was fooled by my husband for years after catching him and being convinced he'd ended it. Welcome to the club.

Here is the thing--once someone has broken down enough psychological barriers to disregard their wedding vows--and I don't mean physically, it usually starts by crossing boundaries LONG before it gets to that point--they have become extremely practiced liars.

Here is how I take her car confession. She felt like she just had to tell you. And what happened? You didn't divorce her. She didn't experience any hard consequences for her behavior. She was either tacitly asking your permission, or else when the next chance arose she took it because she knew nothing was going to happen if you found out.

That is just what happened to me. I told my husband I'd divorce him if he didn't break contact, but didn't go to a lawyer and didn't present divorce papers. I was a little scared of his affair partner, so I didn't expose her to her family. I didn't want to get my husband in an embarrassing situation with family and friends, his parents, etc., so I didn't tell anyone at all.

Well, affairs grow under rocks, and secrecy is the lifeblood of affairs.

Here is where our stories differ. If I understand correctly, you haven't been to marriage counseling since her confession. If that's the case--did you really think you'd fix this by yourself?

There are reasons why affairs occur. They are choices by the cheater and you bear none of the blame. But what you did, if I understand you, was "rugsweep" which means, you didn't address the underlying problems that led the affair, whatever they were. Either your marriage was vulnerable or she has serious mental or self-esteem issues or whatever. But you are doomed to repeat this without good-quality counseling from someone TRAINED in infidelity issues (most MCs are not).

But here is where my experience can shed some light. MC does NOT work with 3 people in the marriage. You know, or are pretty damn certain, that there are 3. I didn't--and what a waste of $$ and time that first round of MC was.

(Fortunately, that is rapidly receding into the past as we make a very different and improved marriage for ourselves.)


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

hookares said:


> Marriage after infidelity depends on those involved as well as how many were involved. I'm firmly certain that I could never be with my ex after we split. In fact, I doubt that I could get a different woman to commit to marriage with me because it would be impossible for me to conceal my lack of trust. I would be constantly questioning in my mind every action she took.
> This doesn't mean that I can't have any kind of relationship with the fairer sex, but when you are just dating on occasion, what she does when not with me is of no concern to me.


That's thought provoking. I'm pretty sure I could convince another women to marry me, that's not it. But, I do wonder about my own quality of life because of the nagging distrust. Further I wonder about my ability to love fully and deeply. 

I've met many women and thought about a few since my divorce and I can't help letting my mind wonder to 3-4 years down the road... I can picture being happy, exicted and in love, but I can also picture the 'chemical' love waining and what can happen from there.... It's a discouraging line of thought for me, and I have trouble seeing a scenario where all the intial happiness justifies the risks involved with deep vulnerability. 

I want to be loved, and I have so much love I want give. But, I also want nothing to do with it. What a mess. lol.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Tentpegs said:


> I got videos of our dog swiping food off the counters and ripping through the trash
> .
> .
> .
> So there is my question to you. If you were in my shoes, what would YOU do?


Ok, the part about the dogs made me  . 

Never reveal your sources to your wife.

The whole conversation thing that you recorded didn't make sense to me. I'm not really sure who was there in person or who was saying what. This is a very recent recording of your wife discussing what appears to be an ongoing current affair?

In that case I would divorce her. The reason is that you have talked to her in the past about suspicions and you have indicated you want to have a good marriage. Yet she has continued to deceive you and she has continued to have at least one affair partner.

Once trust is destroyed it is extremely difficult to get back. She will have to change an enormous amount, and she will have to be willing to do a lot of hard work. Beware the false reconciliation.

So I would interview a few divorce attorneys and start the process. Don't tell your stbxw yet until you have your ducks in a row. Collect as much good intel as you can on her affair to the extent that it helps you legally or it helps you emotionally. You may or may not feel a need to prove the affair to other people such as your family or friends. Ask your lawyer if it matters legally.

You can always stop divorce proceedings if she comes around in the future.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Thor said:


> Never reveal your sources to your wife.


[insert head-slapping smilie] cannot believe I missed that!! 

NEVER reveal your sources. Safely preserve the evidence.


----------



## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

Why not set up a VAR where the camera was? That way, you'll get all of her next phone conversation.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Tentpegs said:


> I confronted my wife later the same day, and flat asked her to her face if she wanted out of our marriage. I told her I didn't want to stay someplace that I wasn't wanted.


I hope you didn't reveal the camera. Did she admit to sex in this confrontation with you?



Tentpegs said:


> She swore to my face that she loved me, wanted to grow old with me, still thought of me as her best friend.


And that's the problem; you've been friend-zoned. How often do you have sex? Do you want more frequency and quality than you're getting? Does she need to use lube with you?



Tentpegs said:


> I desperately want to believe her, but with the contrary evidence sitting here on my desktop I find all of that a little hard to believe. My problem is, I really and truly love my wife and if there is any way I can salvage this, I will try. But I just can't think of how.
> 
> So there is my question to you. If you were in my shoes, what would YOU do?


It all depends.

Do you have kids? If so, how old are they.

How old are the two of you?

Who's hotter, you or her?

Did she actually buy a bike before you did? What type of bike? Did you ride before? What male associates of your wife ride? What type of bikes do they ride? See where I'm going with this? Who is she trying to attract?

See, if she like bikes, she should be wanting to hang onto the back of *your *bike.

Here's a clue to her mindset:
You mentioned a trainer and your wife was upset with his negative opinion of either her physique or her progress. Your wife doesn't really care about your opinion, she believes you have to say she's a turn-on, so you don't count. She wants to know how she measures up in the eyes of strange men. She's not trying to become hotter for you, but for others. Was she overweight when you got together and has that changed any? How about you?

If you're sure you want to reconcile, you may be able to do it, but you're going to have to change the way you look at women. Freud couldn't figure out one thing: "What do women want?" The reason is that they do want something very specific, but say something different and they mistakenly believe what they say to be true.

Your wife is not sexually attracted to you and if you want to keep her, you're going to have to fix that. To do that, you have to become attractive to all women and she has to see that other women are attracted to you. To be blunt, your wife doesn't think you attractive to other women and she takes her cues from them. How often do you get hit on?

I agree that you should read Married Man Sex Life, as recommended above, immediately. But also go to Roissy's for the undiluted truth in dealing with women.


----------

