# Feel like I'm being pushed for marriage



## abd (Oct 5, 2009)

My girlfriend and I have been dating about a year and a half now; we moved in together about three months ago, and we've been talking about getting engaged sometime in the spring. We went and looked at rings together a while back, and I did a bunch of research. But as time is passing I'm finding that I'm liking the idea of getting engaged less and less.

I do think she loves me, but I also am worried that she is in love with the idea of getting married. She talks a lot about how she really wants an engagement ring, and how fun a wedding will be, and she records about a half-dozen different wedding TV shows to watch. She's always asking me "when are you going to buy me a ring, when are you going to propose?"

In the meantime, though, our relationship has really changed. I can't recall the last time we had sex... it's definitely less than once a week on average. She's told me several times that she basically doesn't really like sex in general. I can never seem to get her in the mood, and lately I don't really feel like bothering with it either, so I've just stopped trying. Once in a while she will ask me, "Do you think our relationship will really last?", and she talks about how she feels we are socially very different: she is very social and likes to go out a lot, and I'm not really like that. But then the next day it's back to "When are you going to buy me a ring?"

Anyway, we had talked about getting engaged then waiting a while to get married.... neither of us have a lot of money, so we'd have to save up for a wedding, plus I will still be in grad school for a few years. But the other day, she said that she is seriously thinking about getting ordained as a minister, and that we would have to get married in order for her to start that process (or she would just have to hide our relationship from her church, which isn't really good). So not only does that push forward the marriage, but I feel like this is putting pressure on me to get married, because if I don't, it's holding back her career.

Basically these things are bothering me, and despite the fact that I'm setting aside some money each month so I buy a ring, right now I can't see myself actually doing it. I'm beginning to think our relationship is not really that great, and now I feel like she not only wants me to propose, but she wants to get married really soon... she even mentioned maybe having a kid while I am finishing up my dissertation, and right now that just sounds like a terrible idea to me.

What do you think?


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

I think your answers lie in your own words above. Re-read what you wrote imagining that you are reading the situation of a stranger and see if you think it’s a good idea to move forward with an engagement/marriage.

To me it sounds like you are not ready to marry this person and that you’re not even sure she’s the right one. If that is truly the case you should not be pushed into anything you’re not ready for. Have an open and honest conversation with your girlfriend about the things that you’re feeling. If you can’t have that type of conversation it’s probably one more sign that you’re not ready yet. You can't be pressured into something just because it's good for her career, that's no reason to get married.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You should have thought about these things before you moved in together. 

If she doesn't like sex now, you can forget about it later. That is enough for me to tell you to break up with her now.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

An entire field of red flags. 

If you proceed you will both end up very, very unhappy. 

From one man to another - you need to accept a couple of things. 
1. Her clock is totally different than yours - men can marry much later/procreate much later
2. At some level she also realizes that this is a bad idea
3. The only decent thing to do is to break it off and let her get on with her life. She can always manage the story externally by saying you won't marry until school is finished and she feels a strong calling to this job as minister. This gets you both off the hook. 

I have been married 20 years. Very happily married. Some people will tell you that sex is not that important and it fades after a few years. Those folks married the wrong person. 

Sure, frequency does slowly decline. That is true. But the passion and love don't need to. In year 20 I absolutely love and desire my wife like I did in year 1. 





abd said:


> My girlfriend and I have been dating about a year and a half now; we moved in together about three months ago, and we've been talking about getting engaged sometime in the spring. We went and looked at rings together a while back, and I did a bunch of research. But as time is passing I'm finding that I'm liking the idea of getting engaged less and less.
> 
> I do think she loves me, but I also am worried that she is in love with the idea of getting married. She talks a lot about how she really wants an engagement ring, and how fun a wedding will be, and she records about a half-dozen different wedding TV shows to watch. She's always asking me "when are you going to buy me a ring, when are you going to propose?"
> 
> ...


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