# Concern about kids' safety during visitation



## killerzoey (Jan 31, 2009)

Hi

I have a 3yo and a 7 week old and am considering divorcing my husband of 4 years. We just can't communicate when it comes to anything, and the fact that this includes safety concerns has very much gotten my attention. He is unwilling to work on the relationship and indeed cannot even recall what my concerns are about the relationship and the kids are from one day to the next. You'd have to know the guy for this to make any sense, so if you're trying to get your mind around how a person could not even remember important stuff and can't, feel free to give up. He is a surfer who lives off a fairly meager trust fund and additional gifts from Mom. We live in Hawaii. He knows that papayas are good and the waves were great this morning, and getting him to focus on anything else is fruitless, no pun intended.

ANYWAY, the communication thing has been frustrating all along but it has been some glimpses of his cluelessness regarding child safety that have put the proverbial nails in the relationship coffin. I cannot relate and have lost all respect. But that's a catch-22; he is so laid back and ignorant that I have concerns for the kids should I divorce him. He has displayed ever worsening judgment when it comes to our oldest's safety (dropping her off at home while I'm napping, then leaving again with her alone in the home/I'm unawake and unaware I'm in charge, leaving her with someone on the beach so he can surf, someone we don't really know that well and who when it comes right down to it is technically homeless, refusing to acknowledge that 4 days of not keeping anything down constitutes a dehydration concern/refusing to take daughter to ER...) he's well meaning but I think this is a capacity issue. I think he honestly doesn't understand what can go wrong and refuses to acknowledge that his lax approach could be dangerous.

I am so done being frustrated by him and wish to preserve what is left of my sanity and divorce him. My concern is this:

Are the things I mentioned grounds for supervised visitation? And how hard is that to get? Would I have to have deep pockets and a go-ge-'em lawyer, or would the judge simply look at my list and make his decision? In other words, am I looking at one of those nasty custody battles?

If so, I don't have the money for that. I may decide to stay just so I can avoid the anguish of handing our girls over to him. Especially for long periods of time, like overnight  In the morning he's going surfing and there's no stopping him. He'll make it work somehow, and I shudder at the arrangements he would make to do so. I can see him leaving them with whatever scummy roommates he will move in after I leave, so he doesn't have to work and pay all the rent. The roommate he had when our first daughter was born had Hep C and left his used razors around (I almost stepped on one) and STILL it was a battle to get DH to agree that he should leave. Also he's practically narcoleptic and as long as I've known him, at 8pm he falls asleep, pretty much regardless of what the children might need. SO in addition to the above stuff, I worry about the kids' safety at night. 

I would consider waiting until they're older to divorce, for safety reasons, but I know that it will be emotionally harder on them later.

Any insight or advice (or just a hug) would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

So is he mentally not all there? It seems that he has a total disregard to his responsibilities. Would he even want to have the kids more than a couple of hours if you split? Maybe he would be willing to just visit with them under your supervision. You are painting a picture if him that he doesn't care and that the kids are not as important as other things (like surfing) is to him. Maybe you need to make a more clear picture of him. If he has actual mental issues...you should have no problem with the judge awarding supervision.


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## killerzoey (Jan 31, 2009)

raising5boyz said:


> So is he mentally not all there? It seems that he has a total disregard to his responsibilities. Would he even want to have the kids more than a couple of hours if you split? Maybe he would be willing to just visit with them under your supervision. You are painting a picture if him that he doesn't care and that the kids are not as important as other things (like surfing) is to him. Maybe you need to make a more clear picture of him. If he has actual mental issues...*you should have no problem with the judge awarding supervision.*


That's what I'm hoping, but I know that saying someone is not all there and proving it must be two different things. That's what I'm trying to find out.

You are right - he is NOT all there. He has a nickname that even summarizes this fact. He thinks it's cute, I guess. He may indeed not want visitation for long periods, but I'm afraid that I will guess wrong on this one and my time away from my kids will be spent in constant worry about them.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

wow! i have almost the same problem, my husband doesnt remember anything i tell him regarding the problems in our relationship either. we cant communicate either. the only difference is mine is not a surfer. but i know and understand exactly what you mean. am going thru it too.

I dont know what the laws are in your state, and i suggest you look them up. Ours are actually online. i will try to find the link for you tomorrow. i looked up cyfd or department of child youth and family regulations. Giving what you said about the bad judgements on your husbands part, i dont think you would have any problem proving unsafe environment for the child. The problem is you will need to have proof. not exactly sure what kind of proof is needed, but find out. otherwise, it is just your word against his. The judges in our state tend to lean to the mom, and even for cyfd it is hard to take kids away from the mom. You might consider talking to a lawyer, in our state, first consolation is free. and maybe even set up an appointment or phone appoint with a judge. I caution you thou, you dont want the state on your case. they just might put you in the same light as him and that is rough. 

Also look into pro bono, it means for free. Lawyers often take cases for free for tax purposes. I found a toll free number for pro bono in our phone book, i called them, explained my situation (which was my daughters biological father was threatening to take the child away from me even thou he hadnt seen her in over a year) and i think send proof of my finances, and they found a lawyer in my area and set the first appointment. i verified it was pro bono with the lawyer on the first visit. sometimes just asking the lawyer might work, if he doesnt do it ask if he knows who will. lawyers know that kind of thing. 

also in our state, if the biological father does not have contact with the child for X amount of time (i think either 1 year or 3 years) then you can legally terminate his rights. and/or it is that much easier to terminate his right. i still get a child support check because in this state, visitation and support are 2 completely issues/laws. so maybe if you separate from him, he might not want to or forgot to visit then you well within your rights. when you separate from him, make sure you have your own house, and a job. everything the state considers should be provided for the baby. our state helps out with day care also. as well as rent payment (hud) Make the separation legal, not sure what needs to be filed, unfortuantly you still have to go thru a lawyer, but sometimes all you pay is the filing fee. that way it covers your butt and he cant get you for abondonment.

Worse case cinerio, is take him to court concerning visitation or custody, or termination of rights, he probably wont make it to court (make sure it is as early in the morning as you can get it, lol) and you win everything you partition for in your case by default if he doesnt show up (again, in our state). Including paying for your lawyer and court fees, if you put it in there.

the examples you gave are biggies. like it would be so hard to wake you up before he goes back out, and the thing about having just anyone look after her, not only is scarey, but downright dangerous. brings to mind right away, what if that was a child preditor? or just some pervert, or worse some guy who will sell her to the sex industry just to get drug money. as far as the hep c and the razors or anykind of drug needles and so forth, i dont think any cop or judge in their right mind wouldnt understand if you flat out refuse to leave her for visitation. of course you will need to call the police at the scheduled visitation to show what the conditions are. and sometimes, believe it or not, the police enforce the court order regardless. If it is not court ordered, then just dont leave them. no matter if he gets mad or not. (Make it up to him to take it to court to get legel visitation) the other issues are concerns also, however i feel they can only work in your defense. if you leave her for a visitation and he leaves her in an unkept house with bad room mates or puts her in danger by leaving her alone, that would be easy for you to prove. Pictures of the house, video tapes of him leaving her while he goes off to surf. unfortuately you have to put her in a little danger to get this proof, and you also become a stalker while you leave her in his house and stake out in the car outside. But given the small danger she might be put in (and actually has been already in)...in order for you to get your proof, might be worth it for a little time. 

if you understand what i mean. i am not saying drop her off and braindump it. i am saying drop her off at the ordered court time (if it comes to that) and then stay close by and watch. even if it is not court ordered, you can still follow this procedure. you are still watching out for the baby, making sure she isnt stolen, or hurt and still getting the pictures you can use in court. i also think if you separate, you are more in control of the visitations. he would have to call you to set up a date/time. you can control the date/time and where it will be. you can choose places like mcdonalds, the park or your house. then you can stay. if he doesnt like it, it will be up to him to change it. he will need to hire a lawyer, and take you to court to get the visitations he wants, and by the sound of it that would be too much work and he will not go thru the effort. after a while, whatever is accepted by your state or suggested by your lawyer, file for a divorce and sole custody. again, given the effort needed, he more then likely will not do anything to fight it but will just sign it to get it over with. More then likely, he will move on to another girl soon , or be living with whoever, and be focusing on himself and finding his happy place to worry about you and the baby. 

i hope this was helpful, and good luck!! both you and your little girl and the baby deserve better. {giving you a hug}


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## Clare (Feb 19, 2009)

I have stayed with my husband for 15 years, eventhough he is the most selfish and ignorant human being I know of, because it would be very dangerous for him to have unsupervised visitations.

He is verbaly abusive, obsessed with negativity, constantly gripes. He has Passive Aggressive Disorder, exactly like both of his parents, his siblings, his nieces and nephews. I believe it is an environmental condition, not biological. I also believe that it has more accurately beel labeled selfishness.
All of his family members are unbelievably ignorant, criminals, strings of reationships and illigitamate children, all unemployed and on on welfare. Their speech, their lack of logic, their continual arrests, they are the lowest of low-lifes.

We married at a very young age, (I needed to escape my sexually abusive father), and we barely even knew each other. I didn't meet his family until after we married.

My kids and I have scheduled our daily life around his job, making sure that we have fun when he's at work and are unavailable when he is off.

When my youngest is old enough to take care of himself, I will divorce. 

I know how it feels to be cheated out of a healthy relationship that you COULD be out there finding, because children need to be protected and you can't leave.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

so what did you decide?


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## div2wice (Sep 18, 2008)

Well I don't suggest you staying with him just for the kids.... while most have good intentions when making that decision, in my opinion its one of the worst things you can do.
You want your kids to learn about healthy relationships, although divorce isn't the best, its better than them seeing a bad marriage.
As far as his heavy sleeping, even if its not an illness, if you can somehow prove it, that would be helpful in keeping the kids away from him for overnight visits due to the safety issue.


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