# A lot invested in our marriage and I'm at a crossroad.



## MrPink (May 23, 2012)

Bare with me, this is kind of new to me and has only been going on for 7 weeks....

My wife of 12 years (18 together) are in a separation where we take turns staying at the house. I have not wanted to move out because I thought we could work on this without the financial and emotional damage on the children, plus I didn't want to put more distance between us. She wanted me to move out for a while but agreed she would follow whatever "rule" or "schedule" I wanted because I didn't even want to think about moving out as I am more scared to. 

It's been 7 weeks of this and we are friends and talk to each other every day as we need to about the kids. 

When this all started there was an EA that popped up on text messages and she said they were just friends and they haven't done anything else but talk. She has always had guy friends and confided in them, but she knew this was not ok with me and not fair to our marriage of any chance of working out so she tried a few times to stop talking to him. Each time confirming with me that she put a stop to it but I would dig and find more proof that they do still talk taking it underground using her work cell phone now so it doesn't show up on our bill. 

However, there are nights when I have been able to track her to staying at a hotel a couple of nights and text messages all lead up to the night and again the next morning. During these times she won't answer her phone, and lies about what she was doing. She has never lied to me in our whole 19 years together that I know of. Last night - Fathers Day, we spent the afternoon together with the kids had a decent time and then she went off to another hotel when she was supposed to be staying at her girlfriends house. 

I believe she is going through some sort of mid life crisis, but I have no way of getting her to admit the relationship she has with him and the only proof is that I've tracked her to these hotels that there is no explanation for her staying at them because she has a room at her best friends that she stays at most of the nights.

I still don't want to move out on my own, but it is starting to look like there is no choice because she can't give this guy up. She isn't pushing me out and just going day by day waiting on me to make the next move, she's being nice and doesn't want bad blood between us, but she is not being honest and won't come clean about this. 

It is the toughest time of my entire life as I loved her with all my heart and I was the one that was happy and not her and I took the "married life" for granted as I have become more introverted over the last couple of years and comfortable not thinking something like this would ever happen. Now she just wants to go out all the time with her best friend while I stay at home with the kids, which has become the most difficult task to take care of by meslef more than ever. Mostly because of the thoughts running through my head. 

I read some of these posts on here and they are not in such a sticky situation as I am with two young children and such a long history with my wife of what I thought was close to but not quite what a happy family is. It's much harder for me to just walk away from all of this like it is most. We are still going to marriage counceling together but we haven't talked much about this other guy. She just says they have broken off communication and I keep finding proof they haven't.

I'm rambling, but just getting some of this off my chest.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Move back and stay in the house. Expose the A. She is lying and will continue to lie. It is not a mid life crisis, she is cheating and cheaters come in all shapes, sizes, ages and do not try to figure it out because when it comes down to it, it is selfishness.


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## wrsteele1 (May 29, 2012)

I'm about a month ahead of you with a very similar situation, also with2 little kids and a wife with an 11 year track record of honesty that has been replaced with endless lies. Even when you find evidence the lying doesn't necessarily stop. It sucks and I'm sorry. Can wholeheartedly empathise with you.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Sorry dude, but there's a strong chance that she meeting up with this dude at the hotels. Why would you spend money on a hotel room when she has a viable place to stay at her girlfriends?


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## MrPink (May 23, 2012)

I don't know how to expose it. I've tried everything to find out more info on this guy but can't. I'm sure if I stay in the house and I keep on her I will eventually get info but I also am not sure it matters at this point.

She told me she wanted a separation first and it was so she could explore this with the other guy I'm afraid. It's not like she's been cheating on me while we were "together". This I'm sure of because we were inseperable. She knew she couldn't explore it with him until she broke it off with me first. 

I also feel that we will never reconcile if I keep investigating and expose it somehow. I'm not sure that it would be better to just let her over time realize what she has here and starts thinking about me again after she gets some of this out of her system. 

I know it sounds crazy, but I would still reconsider at this point if we were to completely start over and make it ten times stronger. 

Then again, it's making me an emotional wreck being ponged back and forth watching this happen. She is not trying to get back with me at all, just going to marriage counceling and being friends because she knows we have a liftetime bond and doesnt' want to be known as having an affair I'm sure.


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## MrPink (May 23, 2012)

crossbar said:


> Sorry dude, but there's a strong chance that she meeting up with this dude at the hotels. Why would you spend money on a hotel room when she has a viable place to stay at her girlfriends?


exactly. It's just that she doesn't know I know. 

It's her word against mine that she has stayed at the rooms. 

She only admitted one night to me and said she just stayed close to work by herself because she had a lot of work to do and just wanted to be alone. 

Other than that, I don't know how to "expose" her.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I believe a link to No More Mr Nice Guy is in order.........


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Dude. Spend a few dollars and get a PI. It shouldn't take anytime to have proof of her physical affair. (and you know it is physical) Talk to a lawyer and file for divorce. Move back in to the house full time. Stop being a built in babysitter for her affair! Finally, Read the "Man Up" threads and start working on your self. Your children and you deserve better than this. When you have the info expose her to family and friends. Make her decision to continue the affair a very hard one. She is in the "fog" and not really thinking at all.

Again, I am sorry for your plight. I know how tough this can be. Staying in a cuckold relationship is not good your your children. Divorce would be better.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Seperating or "taking a break" is normally just a cover for " I want to see this other person without interference from you." Thus, they can talk on the phone without you listening, text each other without fear of you looking over their shoulder at what's being typed, AND MEETING IN HOTEL ROOMS. Which, if this is the case, leads me to believe that the OM is probably married as well or else she would be meeting him at his place.

There's a couple of things you can do. Buy a couple of voice activated recorders and planet them around the house for days that you are not there....i.e. the bedroom where she would be sleeping after she puts the kids down. One in the kitchen or where ever she would spend most of her time after the kids are down. If there's still a family computer, put a keylogger on it.

If she has an iphone, chances are she used the computer to charge it up. If this is the case, then there's a chance the phone and the computer sync'd up. Then, there's a file on that computer that contains the texted conversations that phone has. Look up a program call iphone file extractor (or something like that) or if someone on here can weigh in on how to pull this up?

Do a couple of those things and you might get some answers. And you can also have a close friend or a family member follow her to the hotel and see if anyone else shows up.


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## wrsteele1 (May 29, 2012)

Go to Walmart and buy a voice activated recorder and industrial strength velcro. Velcro the recorder under her seat. It records when it picks up sound and if she's talking to him while in her car you'll get it.

Also, as bad as it is, to have a chance to get rid of this guy you're going to have to prepare your self to lose everything.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You do have a lot invested in the marriage with the kids. But what is your breaking point? When would you say enough is enough. You wife is cheating and lying with you while living in the same house as you. What would make you break up? Is this ok? 

What if she gets back together and does the same thing again? Can she get away with it on more time?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

If you are in a at-fault State, then the PI's evidence would be very helpful for your divorce and child support.

Move back home. She's fvcking someone else right now. Tell her to stay at her girlfriend's or with him.

She's blatantly disrespectful to you. Dont take that sh!t.

Start to separate your finances and assets. Take your name off any joint accounts or debts. You'll need the money for your divorce.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

dude, other posters have told you what to do. she emotionally quit from the marriage. Serving papers may wake her up.
Sorry you are here, where no one should be.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You want to reconcile? And you think snooping and exposing it will keep you from reconsiliation? Not typically how it works, but give it a try and let us know how it goes, my guess is she will walk and keep walking until you bust it wide open.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I've got more invested in my marriage than you, yet I'm willing to let her go if she breaks NC. You're using that as a cop out. You're allowing your WW to comfortably cake eat. That means having the security of marriage while she bangs this OM. She's actually rubbing the affair in your face! And you're worried about driving her away? She says she wants to explore things with the OM?

SERIOUSLY? WTF? SERIOUSLY? Too bad I'm at work or else I'd use the Godzilla facepalm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrPink (May 23, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> You want to reconcile? And you think snooping and exposing it will keep you from reconsiliation? Not typically how it works, but give it a try and let us know how it goes, my guess is she will walk and keep walking until you bust it wide open.


I do watnt to reconcile, but it's not like she is wanting to keep our marriage together. 

She has already talked to a lawyer for advice, changed her bank accounts (which we had all of them separate anyway all these years) and so it's like she is preparing herself.

However, she is not going to just pop some divorce papers on me. She is going to drag it out as long as I am willing because she still respects me on some level and we have a life long bond with the kids, Lots of mutual friends, etc...


She tells me that she just wants to be alone, single and take care of the kids. A PI won't matter as I'm in TX which is no fault state. She is trying to put more space between us and I'm not just sure what to do. Some people say stay there and expose it, others (including my councellor and family) say I need to get out of there and start taking care of myself by myself. 

I'm a wreck right now, and she is a really good mother and provider. So I don't even know right now if I could handle kicking her out and taking over all that responsibility myself when I don't even have any proof. Just her word against mine. 

It sucks!!!


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## MrPink (May 23, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I've got more invested in my marriage than you, yet I'm willing to let her go if she breaks NC. You're using that as a cop out. You're allowing your WW to comfortably cake eat. That means having the security of marriage while she bangs this OM. She's actually rubbing the affair in your face! And you're worried about driving her away? She says she wants to explore things with the OM?
> 
> SERIOUSLY? WTF? SERIOUSLY? Too bad I'm at work or else I'd use the Godzilla facepalm.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know. I think I'm still in denial.

But she doesn't have the "married" life right now. We are separated, we just take turns staying in the house with the kids. We haven't slept in the same bed in weeks. I guess we share bills and I still get some stuff done around the house. 

That's about it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What she fears is the OM suffering grief from you. Stop wasting time talking to her, and go after him with exposure etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrPink (May 23, 2012)

Ok, my biggest thing here I guess is, How do I expose it or should I just move out and move on withouth bringing him back up and let her figure out later what she messed up.

I guess I want to understand what the point of exposing is. Does that really make their relationship stop? I don't think so. Even if so, it's not like that would get her back to me. Yes I want to reconcile. It hasn't been very long yet and I feel more like she's going through some mid life crisis that we could work out....maybe....maybe not.

I would like to know if he is married because that may make a difference in exposing.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

MrPink said:


> I guess I want to understand what the point of exposing is. Does that really make their relationship stop? I don't think so. Even if so, it's not like that would get her back to me. Yes I want to reconcile. It hasn't been very long yet and I feel more like she's going through some mid life crisis that we could work out....maybe....maybe not.


 YES!!! That's about the only way that you're going to have a chance. There is NO WAY you're going to reconcile the marriage if another guy is in the picture. By exposing, you are blowing this fantasy out of the water. You are putting way too much pressure on their relationship and the guy will probably bounce. Too much drama. If the guy is married, he'll throw your wife under the bus in a New York minute. Her parents are going to ride her on her actions, her friends and brothers and sister will ride her. It will wake her up a little. However! if you DO expose, I guarantee you she's going to re-write your relationship. Stating that she hasn't been happy for years, you're never available emotionally.....blah...blah... ignore it. If you end the affair, she is going to be PISSED. She'll threaten stuff like, "Well, I WAS thinking about working things out with you, but not since you pulled this" "I want a divorce now.".....blah...blah....

This is normal and straight out of the cheaters text book. Ignore it.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

MrPink said:


> Ok, my biggest thing here I guess is, How do I expose it or should I just move out and move on withouth bringing him back up and let her figure out later what she messed up.
> 
> I guess I want to understand what the point of exposing is. Does that really make their relationship stop? I don't think so. Even if so, it's not like that would get her back to me. Yes I want to reconcile. It hasn't been very long yet and I feel more like she's going through some mid life crisis that we could work out....maybe....maybe not.
> 
> I would like to know if he is married because that may make a difference in exposing.



Don't take this the wrong way, but you've got to man up bro.

Seriously.

The thing that's making you want to R with her is the same exact 
thing that's making her want to be with the OM.

You've gotten solid advice here from solid contributors on
what you could/should do next. Don't take it for granted.

You need to 180 in a bad way. Whatever you _think_ you had or have with her is all in your head. 
I'm sorry you're here now. It's a sad club to be in, but if you stick around long enough
and listen to those who are genuinely trying to help, you will see
how much stronger you can become after all is said and done.

Don't let this define you. Do something about it.

The more it matters to you, the sooner you'll act.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

MrPink said:


> She tells me that she just wants to be alone, single and take care of the kids. A PI won't matter as *I'm in TX which is no fault state.* She is trying to put more space between us and I'm not just sure what to do. Some people say stay there and expose it, others (including my councellor and family) say I need to get out of there and start taking care of myself by myself.


Texas is a no-fault state with two exceptions: 1) Cruelty and 2) Infidelity. In my case, I didn't file for fault because it would've taken over a year to get on the court's docket and any savings would've been eaten up by attorney's fee. I just wanted to be rid of her.

You need to quit thinking that your wife is a nice person. She's not. She's selfishly destroying her family. You have to go on the offensive and get medieval on her ass or else she's gonna take you to the cleaners.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Hire the PI and document.... Refuse to be her fallback plan.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

And drop the MC. A total waste of time and money, she's only using it to drag you along and save the face.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Pink,
You aren't legally separated, cause there ain't no such thing in Texas. Quit moving out. Park your ass in the house and stay there. Your wife has beta-ized you in her mind, and it sounds like you're a gamma at best. You need to ramp up the "alpha" characteristics big time, if you want her back. Although, I don't know why you would.

Get a PI and get an I.D. on the other guy. Don't tell your WW, but contact the OM's old lady and rat him out. Don't tell your WW. File with adultery as grounds. Start weight training, update your wardrobe, and change your hair. Behave like you have the biggest, brassiest balls in the world.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

MrPink said:


> She has already talked to a lawyer for advice, changed her bank accounts (which we had all of them separate anyway all these years) and so it's like she is preparing herself.


Yep, and you're 10 steps behind her...sorry, but it's the truth. She is completely in the driver's seat here, and will be until you stand up and knock her out of it and grab the wheel. She wants a divorce? Give it to her. Give her the best damn divorce you can muster. Quick, easy, and on *your terms and timeline*. She's making your life hell, why should you continue to make her abuse and disrespect of you easy?



> However, she is not going to just pop some divorce papers on me. She is going to drag it out as long as I am willing *because she still respects me on some level* and we have a life long bond with the kids, Lots of mutual friends, etc...


Just what she wants you to think. In reality, she's dragging things out because she feels sorry for you, and she has zero respect for you because she's banging another man while lying to your face about it. Then she can pretend she "did everything possible to save the marriage", when in fact she's been digging a hole underneath it by her own choice for quite a while now.



> She tells me that she just wants to be alone, single and take care of the kids.


Which you know to be a lie. Curious how you know she's been visiting the hotel though...why is it your word against hers? No credit card receipt? Maybe GPS tracker on phone? Did you follow her or something and only have visual proof with your own eyes? (and there's nothing wrong with following her or snooping, she's cheating and lying to you, you're just protecting your marriage).



> A PI won't matter as I'm in TX which is no fault state.


Perhaps, but it would give you the evidence you need to expose and move forward with your life knowing her dirty little secret can't be swept under the rug to never see the light of day again. Do you really want to wait around until she divorces you (on her terms), takes your kids and tells everyone you know that "things just weren't working out"? Or worse, that you were abusive, neglectful, bad father, terrible in bed, whatever she can come up with to justify her leaving? She was in the affair before she started "wanting space". That's *why* she wanted space. She is not your nice, sweet wife anymore. She is a confused, selfish cheater who is trying to hold her fantasy life (OM) together without exploding her real life (you and the kids). Best chance to wake her up is to blow the affair out of the water - look at the other threads here, nearly impossible to find one where the betrayed spouse plays nice, waits for the WS to come around and all ends happy. Gotta grab the situation by the balls, my friend.

Get the PI. They'll have you a folder in days with with everything you need to lower the boom.



> It sucks!!!


Yes it does...and for that we are all very much behind you to stand up and take charge of the situation instead of letting it happen to you. Sorry you're here, but this forum is going to help you through this, for better or worse with your marriage. Stay strong...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> Pink,
> You aren't legally separated, cause there ain't no such thing in Texas. Quit moving out. Park your ass in the house and stay there. Your wife has beta-ized you in her mind, and it sounds like you're a gamma at best. You need to ramp up the "alpha" characteristics big time, if you want her back. Although, I don't know why you would.
> 
> Get a PI and get an I.D. on the other guy. Don't tell your WW, but contact the OM's old lady and rat him out. Don't tell your WW. File with adultery as grounds. Start weight training, update your wardrobe, and change your hair. Behave like you have the biggest, brassiest balls in the world.


And this Pink is about the best plan and advice you've gotten in a single psy. Listen to it. It will help.

You moving out and walking away is completely passive. You need to take charge. This doesn't mean being an a$$ what it means is taking action to kill the affair, and then taking action to shw her that bring with you is a gift you give her, not a backup plan she keeps in her back pocket.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Pink, does your wife make more money than you?? And she is not a good mother. If she was, she would not be spending nights in a hotel with another man. NOW, you came here for advice. Well the VETS of this stuff has told you what to do. You have listen to everything this woman told you, and took it as the truth. She is just stringing you along, waiting to see if the Om will leave his W/GF. Your butt should be filing D tomorrow and having her served. You sound like if she says its over, you will walk. Well she won't say that yet, because she don't have a commitment from him except hotel sex. The only chance you have to R,is if the POSOM is out of the picture. Your focus should be getting as much info on the pair as you can. NOW, did you come here to debate tactics or get advice ?? These people are GIVING YOU the methods to bring some sanity to your situtiation. 1. move back in. 2. file D. 3. expose the affair to everyone you know. And yes, that will piss her off, well its about time.You as of now is being a bad parent letting a cheating woman tear up your mind as she has. If you was man enough to lay with that woman an have kids, then be man enough to protect them. EVEN from their own mother. This is your time Pink to show family an friends that you will scorch earth for your kids.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

MrPink said:


> However, she is not going to just pop some divorce papers on me. She is going to drag it out as long as I am willing because _she still respects me on some level _and we have a life long bond with the kids, Lots of mutual friends, etc...


Everyone else has already tried to get through to you, so I'm not sure why I'm bothering.

She is staying at hotels when she's lied and said she's staying with a girlfriend.

She's stayed at hotels more than once.

She's texted right up to the hotel stay and then resumes after she's gone.

Purposefully lying to your spouse is always a sign of _disrespect_.

Getting emotionally involved with someone outside the marriage is a sign of _disrespect_.

Getting divorced in EVERY WAY (physical separation, financial separation, emotional separation) WITHOUT consulting your spouse _first_ and getting their permisson, or else filing for divorce _first_ is one of the MOST DISRESPECTFUL THINGS SOMEONE CAN DO.

The _respectful_ thing to do is to wait until you have at least filed divorce papers and agreed to divide your property BEFORE you start to date other people.




Do you know who is showing whom the most disrespect?


YOU are.

You aren't respecting _yourself_!

We are just a bunch of strangers in cyberspace, and WE respect you more than either of you respect you. That is so sad.


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## MrPink (May 23, 2012)

OK I may need a 2x4, because I am so trying to keep this marriage together and it keeps backfiring.


I exposed the affair to her and she at first denied, then went into a panic attack that lasted a day in which I ignored her. She then apologized and felt really bad for a few days. Saying she never meant to hurt me and she stopped talking to him to give our marriage a fair chance but not that she was reconciling. Just that she was giving the separation a fair chance I guess.

I didn't let my guard down and kept an eye on her and found out she he is now coming over to her best friends place that she is staying her nights at now. When I confronted her about this, she says they are just friends and that I should stay out of her business. She has started IC - just one so far, and says that even her IC says she should not be stalked and I should respect her by keeping out of her business. I suspect she didn't tell the IC everything. She is going back to the we are "just friends" and thinking I am some how supposed to believe that and give her the space she wants. She sees how much damage I am doing to myself consuming myself in this and not helping to fix myself so it is not attractive to her. 

But why on earth, for some reason I still think I could reconcile if she would wake up and realize what she is doing. I can't believe I would even think about taking her back right now, but I would if she was willing to work on our marriage again as I know she doesn't stray once she puts her heart into it. The marriage just wasn't healthy and that's what caused this to happen. I know she is to blame, but I still have hope that we could get through this. 

We are now at a point where I need to give her the option of either working on our marriage and that means NC, etc. OR we file for divorce and start the proceedings if she choses to keep in contact with him Or I move out we separate like we are divorcing and give it a few months to see how we feel about it all and if it feels right or wrong before we decide to pull the D trigger.

Ok, let the flame wars begin....


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

MrPink said:


> Ok, let the flame wars begin....


No need. People have been telling you what you need to do. You either follow it or you don't. It's your choice to live in limbo. There are other threads, other people that need help. More and more people come here everyday. 

As Jedi Master Yoda says: Do or don't do. There is no try.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I do think you need a 2 x4 exposing the affair is not just to her. It is her family, friends and anyone that POS is involved with. Get that done today!

You need to really look at the 180 and put it into effect. Also you are not going to leave the house. That is her problem. Pack up her clothes and put them out on the street. Aslo doo that now!

You cannot trust anything she says, you have learned that. So how long has this really been going on. She has been having sex with someone else and I would bet big money on that.

Get to a Dr and get checked out. Tell him or her what is going on get the works done. STD's are real.

Have you been going to IC? You need to.

Please take this to the bank and it is from someone that did not take the right steps at the start. Make sure this is completly exposed. If your kids are old enough make sure they know Mom is Fing someone else.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Man, the only chance you have left is making the reality of divorce imminent. Is it going to snap her out of this? I highly doubt, it seems an exit affair, she's far gone. But being stuck in the actual circunstances are agoing to kill you. The damage from this time of depresion will last forever if you don't accept reality and start moving on. MC is a waste, she's going out of pity. Don't let her feel pity. She won't respect you ever, even as co-parent.
Lawyer up, serve her at her GF's house. Wish her happiness with OM. Start moving on. Go totally dark on her. She can't be your friend anymore. Those crumbs of niceness are just for her to feel better about her abandonement. Don't ask her about whereabouts, OM or anything except for logistics and children. Dismiss the idea of closure, it's a fallacy.
The 180
Start taking baby steps, taking cake of your health, your apearance, go out with friends, stop snooping, you know damm well already she's f0cking the dude, now openly (before she hid it at hotels, surely out of respect for her GF, now seems friends accept the deal). She denies just because doesn't want to bother discuss it with you. Not out of shame or whatnot. That's the respect she have left for you. Zero. She's waiting for you to accept reality and make the step of filing so she can tell herself she wasn't that horrible to you. She sees herself as compassionate enough to give you time to came to terms with the end. She may think you made her the favor of exposure. Meanwhile she will resent you even more for not putting the ball rolling ASAP, that's why she's meaner lately.

Let her go.
I'm sorry.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Geez Dude! Will you stop dancing around!

You need to tell her, point blank. Him or me! I need an answer now! Do not pass go, do not collect $200. That you will not live in a marriage of three. 

If she starts giving you the "we're just friends" or " you're being too controlling" Actually, you could say, "You're damn right! I'm taking back control of my life!" Or she says," you can't tell me who I can or can't be friends with." Then you have your answer. She values the OM more than you. Or else, she wouldn't be fighting so hard to keep him. Then start the divorce, let your friends and families know that you are divorcing because she refused to end her affair with other man. 

Start the divorce process, heal and move on. You're probably thinking, "Yeah, easy to write that, but you're not living it." Okay, are you happy with your life right now? Be open to the possibility that there might be a woman that will knock your socks off. That has morals and actually puts value to marriage vows. She just may be out there waiting for you. But, you're never going to find her if you're dealing with this mess.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Mr.Pink if you can tell me what this means, you win a prize.

"doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"?

So answer the question and we will give you the prize.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Pink,
What do you expect from your WW, who cheats, disrespects you?
How do you hope to R, when she continues to ignore morals?
Now, it is upto you to see.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Mr Pink, I'm sorry your wife has moved out, chosen to date another man, and continued to lie to you about it.

She will not wake up, as you so long for. She likes things exactly as they are, freedom to date and sleep with whomever she likes, without divorcing you. You see, maybe things won't work out with this man. She needs you as a fallback.

That is, until she meets another man.

You, Mr Pink are in control of one thing: whether to stay married to a wife who is openly deserting you, or not.

PS: exposure is where you tell the people she respects about the affair, so that she feels pressure to stop. Confrontation is where you say, that man is not your friend, and you do not love me, and you are a liar, and not a very good one at that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

@ iheartlife, thanks for giving away the prize before the answer!!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

the guy said:


> @ iheartlife, thanks for giving away the prize before the answer!!


It's called cross-posting my fellow pro-R friend. Sorry about that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mr. P,

Stop. Read what you have told us.

Your wife does not love you.
Your wife is cheating on you.
Your wife used the separation to date/s;eep with OM.
Your wife has already seen an attorney.

But you never said your wife cut your balls off and drove away with them.

Will you please start listening to us. As long as you pine away for your wife or be her PLan B she is not even thinking of you. She is leaving you no matter what you offer her.

Hell, you exposed the A and got her to admit to it. What did she do, she invited her BF over for a sleepover.

Do yourself a favor, file for D or go beat up the OM and then file for D if that will make you feel better. I am not advocating violence but you need to wake up and realize that she is not coming back.

Then get really angry and tell everyone what she is doing. That way she will never come back because she is treating you like a big piece of crap.

SO be a man and take care of your business. 

HM64

PS
Great women and Great Mothers do not cheat on their husbands and screw over their families with an Affair or Divorce.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

you didn't expose s**t to her. She already knew. Your butt just dropped lower in her eyes by letting her know you know, and will put up with it. You was suppose to EXPOSE to EVERYONE especially on his side too.. You was told to not move out of your house anymore. Make her move. AND you can stop using the kids as an excuse. NOW, maybe this time you can look and find your balls and do what needs doing for your family. 1. move back home. 2. EXPOSE the affair and the friend that let them screw in her house. 3. File for D. You are talking about giving her the option for R or D, well since she likes screwing him and having you babysit, she won't do that. And dude, go get a complete physical, your tostesterone level must be through the floor. And while you are at it, have a full panel of VD test done also. If you are not going to follow the advice, more ppl than LordMayham are going to stop trying to help you. Its like this, exposing the affair and hitting her with the other stuff, will show her the fantasy is just that. If this guy fill its too much trouble slepping with her, he is gone. What do you know about the other man ?? He may be a child molester. but all you are doing is worrying about when you will screw you wife again. thats the only reason I can see. That you are afriad to be without a woman. OH, and don't think for a minute the kids don't know what she is doing. Man what a GOOD example she is setting for your kids. I won't even comment on the example you are setting for your sons.

Can You Hear Me Now ??


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

MrPink said:


> We are now at a point where I need to give her the option of either working on our marriage and that means NC, etc. OR we file for divorce and start the proceedings if she choses to keep in contact with him Or I move out we separate like we are divorcing and give it a few months to see how we feel about it all and if it feels right or wrong before we decide to pull the D trigger.


Why are you giving her an option to choose him or you? Don't you see how humiliating that is, as a husband?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Pink,

Are you afraid this is the only woman you're ever going to be able to get? There are plenty of better women out there. How's that weight program coming?

I thought so.

If you want a woman, you need to make yourself attractive to women. Being spineless won't get you there.

Cut to the chase and file now.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Mr. Pink, the wife you knew is dead. Bury her. Mourn her. And move on with your life.


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## MrPink (May 23, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrPink (May 23, 2012)

First off we both still live at the house taking turns staying with the children that are way too young to understand any of this that is going on. I cannot throw her out because I cannot afford the house myself. And guess what she can with a roomate... Her GF. Yeah she wants her to move in when I move out to help pay the mortgage. Otherwise I would have already thrown her out. She is and always will be a great mother and I cannot handle the house and my kids all myself. Especially in my state. 

I guess the one reason I hold on to the hope is because I know this won't last with him and I could take her back if she snapped back into reality and realize what she did. She really is in the fog now. Also I was very codependent on her when this separation started because I was going through months of depression that was job related. I put her through a lot at the end becuse I was smothering her and always depressed and wouldnt let her do much without me. Very codependent. I was also not giving her the attention she wanted affectionately. I can see how it made her volnerable but she made the choice ultimately. I know I am living in a dream world that we just have all this scar tissue between us but in a few months if it all feels right we might stay together. If not, then divorce. 

I have been with her half my life for the last 18 years. We were 18 when we hooked up. I've never had to worry about her staying and ive slways looked up to her. This all just started in the last 3 months. It's all still very raw. I can forgive her if she made a bad mistake but I can't believe she keeps it going on. I just miss our life together so much and feel like this is just a phase of her life that she needed to go through after what I put her through. I know most of you can't understand that but what she is doing now just isn't her. I actually think its like a midlife crisis and she can recover. I don't want to be divorced when she does. 

And yeah I'd love to expose the OM and beat his ass. But he's twice as big as me and everyone has guns in my state. I think I would fear for my life if I called his parents up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrPink (May 23, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Man, the only chance you have left is making the reality of divorce imminent. Is it going to snap her out of this? I highly doubt, it seems an exit affair, she's far gone. But being stuck in the actual circunstances are agoing to kill you. The damage from this time of depresion will last forever if you don't accept reality and start moving on. MC is a waste, she's going out of pity. Don't let her feel pity. She won't respect you ever, even as co-parent.
> Lawyer up, serve her at her GF's house. Wish her happiness with OM. Start moving on. Go totally dark on her. She can't be your friend anymore. Those crumbs of niceness are just for her to feel better about her abandonement. Don't ask her about whereabouts, OM or anything except for logistics and children. Dismiss the idea of closure, it's a fallacy.
> The 180
> Start taking baby steps, taking cake of your health, your apearance, go out with friends, stop snooping, you know damm well already she's f0cking the dude, now openly (before she hid it at hotels, surely out of respect for her GF, now seems friends accept the deal). She denies just because doesn't want to bother discuss it with you. Not out of shame or whatnot. That's the respect she have left for you. Zero. She's waiting for you to accept reality and make the step of filing so she can tell herself she wasn't that horrible to you. She sees herself as compassionate enough to give you time to came to terms with the end. She may think you made her the favor of exposure. Meanwhile she will resent you even more for not putting the ball rolling ASAP, that's why she's meaner lately.
> ...


This is what I don't get about this site. The Link you posted to "let her go" is all talk about letting her go off with the OM and wish them luck and not focus on the drama. Yet you and everyone else says to blow it up, expose, make it impossible for them to continue. It's all so contradictory no wonder I'm so lost.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its all about perception.
once you are confident in letting her go she will see this confidence and will second guess her choices...she thinks twice in what she is about to lose.

It is ment to shift the power from you chasing her to her chasing you. 

In some cases it may be an exit affair and she may never chase you back but at that point the M is over and she has moved on.

Often the affair is a fantasy and the wayward is in a fog of fantasy, not seeing what they are doing to there family. Often you can get them out of the this fog with the tough love approach in having the perception and confidence in letting them go.

A consequence that will make them think twice in what they will lose if the affair continues.

See, you aint leaving, she know this, so why should she change, why should she stop. In her mind you will tolorate sharing her b/c you wont to any thing about it, but b!tch and complain, but you will alway be there no matter what.

Get it she needs to see consequences for this behavior and letting her go is one of them. Now the power shift to her trying to keep you from doing that(letting her go).


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Another tactic is filing and having her served. See there is always a waiting period before the divorce is *finalized*. Then the wayward has this waiting period to turn a corner and fight for the marriage before it is finalized. The wayward then does the chasing in trying to prevent the D from being finalized and the divorce then being withdrawn.

Often this tactic and the letting them go tactic will give the wayward the motivation to end all contact with the AP (affair partner) to save thier marriage...even quiting there job if the affair is a coworker.

The end game here is getting the OM completely out of the picture so that he stops influencing the dynamics of the marriage. Then you guys can start to fix the marriage with any out side influence.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Some want this some want that. Well you are the only one who has to live with it. So if you can put up with a woman that cheats at will, more power to you. Oh, people change, so lets say they FINALLY get tired of each other, and she lets you have a lil bit for a while, but I can guarantee you that once she see you will be there for you little handout, she will cheat anytime she finds someone to her liking.

The blow it up advice comes from expierence. That has been a time tested way to short curcuit affairs. The Let Them Go, and 180 is never for them, its for you, and rebuilding yourself. Really, the 180 is what you need.

And I won't even comment on the everyone has guns, I live that way. Don't Thread on Me. So I can't picture a person fearful of being hurt. Too much pain in my growing up.

I will give you this tho. Stop talking to her unless its about the kids. Work the 180 and show her you are NOT CoDepen anymore. There is nothing more unattractive to a woman than a needy man. And since you are going to keep on being a OP, I will reframe from posting on here.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Mr Pink, the reason the advice sounds contradictory is that you have not taken it.

At the early stages if anyone reads your threads, you were in complete denial that there even was an affair. Who knows how long it was going on, because you refused to investigate, you were sure this was all about how you have been in the relationship.

Next, you found out there WAS someone else, and you sought advice, but again, as far as we can tell, you have not acted on it.

Let me ask: have you read ANY books? No More Mr. Nice Guy, Married Man Sex Life, Not Just Friends, His Needs / Her Needs? 

Now you have come back for more advice because she actively lives part time outside the home and is seeing the OM.

If you want to reconcile the advice is still the same.
Read NMMNG and MMSL
Get proof via key logger if she still shares the home computer, VAR, cell phone bills, private investigator
Expose the affair to at least her parents
File for divorce, which can be withdrawn.

BUT
The reason you now hear advice for the 180 (essentially living your life fully and cheerfully without her, incl exercise etc) and Let Her Go is because things have changed !! She is moving on. 

Would more action earlier have tilted the balance? Maybe. But you continue to blame yourself for EVERYTHING including her apparent emotional affair. Do you have any anger over her affair at all? You need to find some if you want things to be different.

It's ok to just let it all ride, but be prepared to find your self-esteem so under water it never quite recovers. That is what happens when you give ANY human being such control over your life.

As has already been suggested, are you going to individual counseling? It will help you see you are not even second best in her world now. She is divorcing you without a divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Pray to god to make their relationship hard so that they get tired of each other soon and end their relation.

Or man up, get your balls back and ask her to stop the Horse sh!t or leave.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I know most of you can't understand that but what she is doing now just isn't her. I actually think its like a midlife crisis and she can recover.


In order to decide your course of actions it's pretty irrelevant whether it's a MLC, fog, total detachment or pured compemt. She changed, she's telling you she's moving one, she moved out, she's having a relationship you couldn't end before.
What can you do at this point? To keep watching how she pity you? Agreeing on MC just to make you understand she's done? Hope is not a plan. And you need a plan.
I suggest you to get unstuck, to choose self respect.
The 0'0001 % chances she suddenly make a 180 on her choices goes by letting her go completely. Making her sense a little out of control becauase you choose to control your life.

I don't know whether I suggested you exposure in another thread but I didn't in this becuase what you wrote seems exposure rather pointless at this time. She's openly dating OM. Seems she gives sh1t about exposure.

Time to move on, on your terms. With dignity.


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

My FWH came home and still had contact. I put my foot down and said stop or leave. He confessed and hasn't had contact for a year and a half. As long as I was in wish mode he took advantage of it. When he could see I had enough he did an about face. I've been married almost 30 years. I know about the investment. If you want any hope of saving your marriage put a stop to it now.


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## MrPink (May 23, 2012)

I did expose it to her parents as they already knew about me catching the first text messages. She told them that and suspected and I filled them in on most of it but not too many details. They are 100% on my side and see what she's doing to the family. She suspects we talked but we both denied it. I did only to protect her mom as she said she didnt want her to know we talked. Therefore she hadn't opened up to her mom yet. 

I know I need to do something, just wish filing wasnt the only answer. I know it takes a while and all but I guess I'm too optistic here that we might be able to work it out. 

See we split up 13 years ago and she did something very similar. Getting involved with someone that gave her attention. She ended up stopping that relationship and coming back to me. We got married had two kids and 12 years of marriage. I never though this would happen again as she always an awesome wife up till 3 months ago. My mom says she read a couple shouldn't divorce with kids especially until the raw emotions are eased enough to we're they can communicate without getting into a fight. 

I tried the 180 and it was working to a degree, but she just gets aggrivated I don't respond to her texts

Sorry, I'm new to this kinda thing and I was already depressed when she blindsided me that she wanted a separation. So that and my codependency andack of self esteem is playing a toll on me. I can't compartmentalize very well. I'm an indisicive dweller most of the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Everyone's told you what to do. Just want to add a few things. Stay in the house. Do not leave again. You have no legal agreement that says you can't be there. Stay with your kids. She is going to keep doing what she's doing whether you are there or not. Why make it easy on her and harder on you by leaving.
Don't ever say you can't work,take care of the home and your children in your own. It's hard but you'll find a way if she leaves. My kids are 6 and 4 and I do it. Friends and family all help when they know you are in the right.
That's all I can add except I know how you feel. I was you after dday 1. I should have put a stop to everything then and 1 1/2 of my life would not be gone.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

So she did this even before you got married, and YOU still married her. You was given a preview, and ignored it. Now you are given advice an ignoring it to, just like you did when it first started. I know I said I wasn't gonna post, but you are just too weak to leave to your own devices. AND, your mom is wrong. Most times, filing wakes them up to what they are losing. BUT, you know what ????? Leaving you might be the best thing she could ever do for you. Maybe then you will work on you being an independent man.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Preview, if by some stroke of fate you do R, do you think she will give up the enabling friend ?? NOT !!! So you will ALWAYS be uneasy when she is over at her house.Wondering if she is letting her use the spare BR to hookup. Do you see your future now. AGAIN,,, NOTHING is more UNATTRACTIVE to a woman than a needy man. So stop making it about her and you, and make it about what is best for the kids. "One parent being there EVERY day" Even if you can't handle the house alone, she will have to help you pay the bills. Your lawyer should see about that... Oh thats right,,,, you don't have one. Can you hear me now! Come on Pink, you are here again for advice, take it this time. Or did you just need somewhere to vent ?? If so, we can handle that to. Just don't ask for advice.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Mr Pink, have you read No More Mr Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life?

Good for you for exposing, but if I understand correctly, she doesn't know you have? Exposing means she knows they know and is concerned about losing their respect. That is the whole point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

Mr. Pink, I understand the co-dependency, it's my life. The thing is, after the one year R mark I started to look at all of the things I learned about ME because of my FWH affair. I didn't like a lot of them. It has helped me to see that I'm not as weak as I feel, I'm more capable than I've lived, and I deserve more than I've insisted on having. If you are co-dependent you are worried about her and what your actions will do to HER. The things you have to realize is that you never do anyone a favor by enabling them self-destruct and SHE doesn't give a rat's furry butt about how HER actions affect YOU or YOUR CHILDREN. Go get some really good books on co-dependency, go to a group (al anon works if it's the only one available) and start working on your reactions or she will never stop this. It will only get worse from here. I'm talking from experience. You have to take control of your life. Start now!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Here is one link you need to read:

Adultery in a Divorce Action, Dallas, Texas

Here is the deal. How do you know the OM isn't married? If he isn't married, why are they meeting in Motels? Why don't they just go to his house. You have not done anything, according to your posts,to fight for yourself, your kids or yopur marriage.

You cannot comprehend that filing for divorce just might wake your wife up. Talk to your lawyer and tell him you want 50/50 child custody. Be a real father and do it.

Do not leave the house, doing so is child abandonment and if the divorce does happen you will be screwed by one mad judge.

You can't afford the house, put it up for sale. DO NOT LET ANYONE ELSE MOVE INTO IT. Sure she wants her friend to move in, her boyfriend. Your young kids are going to have a new daddy so fast your head will spin.

If you don't get a hold on yourself soon you're going to have nothing left. You can fight for yourself, your kids and your marriage or you can be her boyfriends b!tch. Its a simple choice really, who is going to be your kids dad?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

You are one frustrating DUDE*sigh*


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