# Past love has become present in my thoughts while unhappily married



## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

Hello,

I am one who usually never frequents these boards (and probably many have felt the same way). I am serious need of advice here.

My story is long and may help shed light on my issues. It begins back in 2002. I was 20 and was a hopeless romantic back then and met a girl online in a chatroom who was 2 years younger than me. We decided to meet at my job when I worked sales in an electronic store and went to school full time. At first sight, my heart literally stopped. She was blonde haired and blue eyed. We gazed at each other for a good 15 seconds in awe before a word was said. We shook hands and had small talk. Her kid sister had said her Mom was waiting for her in the car. She left me her number and asked me to call her for a date.

I did not wait any longer than 24 hours and we were off on Friday to see a movie. We drove to the beach afterward and walked around. She stopped me, and asked for me to hold her, so I did. We then looked at eachother and shared a kiss. It was as innocent as any kiss can be on the first date with two shy people. It was then I knew that I had met the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We were both so pure. We entered into a relationship by the third date when she asked me to a music concert, to which I presented her a promise ring that night. She accepted it and jumped on me in joy completely wrapping herself around me. Prior to that, I met her Dad when I picked her up who took a liking to me immediately. We shared a lot in common hobbywise and found out more about his daughter as time continued on.

Our love continued and we were saying "I love you" in less than three weeks. she shared her future goals with me. She wanted to follow her passion and I did everything I could to help her get there. She was not like any other girl I had met before and we liked the exact same things, which she had a passion for the same hobby I had...

In 2003 winter, she had asked that we consumate our relationship despite not being married. I was against it as I was Catholic and very conservative. That is not to say she was not too. I opened up to her and said I wanted to marry before we do it. She agreed. She had sought advice from me not long after about going to college abroad. I said I was against it because she was following the path to her passion and dreams, and it would make us long distance. She shared her frustrations but we did not argue.

2004 came and what started off as a happy year took a turn for the worst. One night we went out for a prestigious dinner, and then to the beach afterward where we had first kissed. We had agreed to consumate. It was our first time for both of us and I did not have a clue at what I was doing, but we both shared a very passionate night. A week afterward, we saw eachother again and picked up where we left off. It was then, not long after that we went to an event that was her passion, and I asked her to marry me. I did not have a ring and I told her that. It did not matter to her and she shouted yes with a small audience cheering me on.

10 days later, disaster struck. An ex contacted me via AOL at the time to see how I was doing. I conversed with her but cut her off after telling her it was a bad idea and I was happy. I told her about what happened after our night out and she became hysterical and said she wanted space and time to think. I did not talk to her until a week later when we discussed it and put it passed us. We saw each other three more times after that week. On the tenth day after our lack of communication, she cried on me, telling me she cannot get past what happened. I asked her what she wanted to do and she said she wanted her freedom. I warned her that I would not contact her ever again in my life as she would be just another ex. I said a single goodbye on the phone as I heard tears, and then hung up. I cried in my car during this break I took in a hopeless attempt to diffuse what happened and failed. I told my parent the news, to which they had pushed me to get over it quick and not let it affect my final exams. I studied and passed my finals with flying colors.... then depression took.

I will post more in a minute when I am not on a smartphone..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Please do. I take it this past incident has bearing on current events? Please provide for both of you current ages, any children, and current employment.


----------



## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

I was in my Sophomore year of college after the breakup. It was summer of 2004 and I did not take it well. I turned to alcohol and smoking for a solution, drinking a six pack a day after coming home from night school and my day job. It was like this for several weeks, months...

In the fall of 2004, a friend of mine contacted me and said he saw her and spoke to her. He asked her about me, to which she replied that I treated her like crap and restricted her. This was completely untrue and only drove the nail deeper into my heart. My only 'restriction' I had ever requested from her was that she not go to school abroad and to follow her passion. Things became worse after that as I started to get 3-4 hours of sleep per night, trying to rebound in dating, which failed every time. Around the same time, I lost contact with my old friends, and met new friends who shared some things in common with me... they were all single and divorced. We hung out in dive bars, and played pool. We shared the same things in common and participated in these events together... the same sporting events my ex liked, but never attended as she was part of a different sports series that did not take place in my location. My friends and I became a tightly-knit group as we both provided advice to each other while dating. It was them who I can thank for getting me back on the path to recovery. This was a long path though.

In 2005, the depression continued, but I participated in the same sports with my new posse which brought me more friends and more dates. I continued through my studies, but drank heavier. I was up to almost 10 drinks per a night and still crying every single night since the break-up in 2004 when I was alone with nothing more than my pet by my side. Toward the fall of '05, I began to recover, becoming more successful in dating women, and I began to seek women who were relationship material, rather than the 'right now' type of girl. 

In 2006, my senior year of college, I met a girl who was a year older than me and was very difficult to get. I enjoyed the challenge very much and I pursued her. We went on two dates in the spring, but she completely disappeared thereafter. I started to turn toward the depression again, drinking with my friends who tried to pull me back out of it. She was an incredible woman, and the two dates we spent were nothing but packed full of conversation, with the second one being where we became intimate. I crashed my car one night after ranting and raving about her disappearance and spent the next week rebuilding the front end. Two weeks after that, when myspace was the latest fad, she had messaged me through it, apologizing for losing touch. My best friend who helped me through all of this had recommended I call her to get back in touch as she must have had some sort of epiphany about me. So I did, and we were back onto dating. This time, once again, I entered a relationship very fast. We consumated after one month, and moved in together after three. It was then, we started fighting, but making up repeatedly thereafter. 

The fighting and making up continued throughout the rest of our relationship. But, something happened.... I quit the sport that I was so passionately involved in and settled down with her. In 2008, one day at my parents' house, conversing with my Father, he had told me he saw my ex. She had succeeded in finding her passion and became what she always wanted to be (she is not quite a celebrity in a sense you find in Hollywood, but in sports.) I said to him that there is a part of me that misses her still. He quickly cut me off and told me what happened 4 years prior was because we were too young and the timing wasn't right. I dismissed my thoughts and agreed with him. In the Fall, I moved up north and lived under the roof of my future mother-in-law with my girlfriend. In 2009, around summer, she had approached me in the room while I was folding laundry, and asked me when I was going to marry her daughter and find our own place. I felt pressured, but still remained true to this goal. Not more than a month after, I bought a ring, and proposed. She accepted, but I would later find out the ring was not what she wanted. It hurt honestly. Somehow, I shuffled through the moments. It should be noted that we still fought like cats and dogs but made up after each of our arguments.

We bought our home in 2010 and finally set a date to be married. It was two years after this we were married down south by the beach. Planning the wedding was an absolute nightmare and I have to admit, she became a bridezilla. I kept my mouth shut and told her to do what made her happy with the wedding. She had a bachelorette party with her friends from the area, but none of my new friends I made up north threw me one, which unsettled me.

After getting married, we celebrated blisfully, and honeymooned. Shockingly, we actually had an argument during it too! We returned from our honeymoon and I went back to work. In the week after, I got a message on one of the most dangerous social media sights ever invented... Facebook. The message turned out to be a friend request, from my EX! Since my wife and I do not keep secrets from each other and have shared the loves in our past, I discussed it with her immediately. She said that she had probably been following me all along on FB, and tried to reach out to me possibly in a last-ditch effort to get back into my life. I was angry at her and denied the friend request. So I continued on.... In married life, we settled down, but the intimacy took a nosedive. This is my fault as I became more devoted to my job, but we began fighting again. Two HUGE issues dominated our arguments, my mother and finances. To this day, they still are the issue.

So this brings us to this year now, we had a child who is now a year old, and my wife is a stay at home mom for the interim until she gets back in the workforce (laid off). Two months ago, I became stressed out at work and vulnerable. Then, old memories of the past began to take over. I remembered my ex who was my first love. And, the biggest thing that made it worse was Facebook. I looked her up and found out that she had continued her passion and is now a well-known person in the sports we were so involved in. She is married now with a child, but lives and breathes the same sport we were so passionate about. I recalled all the times we conversed about it, never annoying eachother of the same topic that recurred. In my current relationship/marriage, my wife would practically scream at me not to talk about it.

After looking at her page, I noticed she had plastered her profile with pictures of her boyfriend, which became her husband I believe sometime a year ago. I noticed that my wife and I did not do the same, so I began doing it. Heck, I was proud to have married her no matter how many times we fought. But, it did not make things any better. Our marriage lately has been walking the thin red line as I began to grow depressed again and turn to drinking. Two weeks ago, I opened up to my wife, told her how I "unforgot" the past and felt guilty about thinking about my ex. She looks so happy now, doing what she is doing. Some men out there would probably take credit for the successes of their former girlfriends. I refuse to do so. I am proud to admit that I was a part of her life and I loved every moment I shared with her. I just urged her to stay on the course to get her where she dreamed. 

So you will see in my prior post, how I remembered everything from over 10-12 years ago that took place. I remember it as clear as water, which is funny because my memory has been going lately due to lack of sleep, and stress. Since telling my wife about my struggle two weeks ago, she has remained true to me and has put in all the effort she has to steer me away from depression. It has not helped. Every fight we have still makes it worse, and I still think about the past, and how I could have been happier with her. 

It wasn't until this past weekend she had told me she looked up our horoscopes (those things are dangerous) and our astrological signs. According to numerous sites she browsed, we are 90%-100% incompatible. In all honesty, we are, but somehow our relationship is a "cannot live with each other, cannot live without each other" one. The worst part was when my wife asked me what her astrological sign was. I told her, and to her shock and dismay, we were listed as 100% compatible. That was pretty much a slam dunk honestly since I never fought with my ex and we both shared the same passions.

Lately, the challenge of not thinking about the past has become impossible, and now my ex's name somehow pops up once a day in our conversations. I had told my wife I do not want to talk about her anymore, but things have not changed. In these moments of confusion, I began to attend church literally on a daily basis, asking for God's help in my life, and for some explanation why I lost the one who pretty much could have been my one and only key to happines. I love my child very much, but it seems like everything else in my life no longer makes sense, and the things I am doing, that I went to school for, I hate now.

Two nights ago, my wife and I sat down and discussed our marriage. We both agree that it is not working and that we are incompatible. The conversation must have jarred something loose because my wife had pleaded with me that she does not want to divorce and give it another shot. As I write this now, I am confused, bothered, sad and feel downright lost. We have not sought counseling, nor have I spoken with anyone at the church about it. I go on my lunch, kneel in a pew and cry. There is a part of me that wants to reconnect with my ex, but I feel like that is a bad idea. Of course, the chances are 50/50 that she would talk to me again. I feel that given how close we were before, we would discuss our lives and everything that has happened in them. I have not made any effort to reach out to her other than look at her on FB. I have pushed myself to stop doing this as I feel it only makes thing worse, which is more or less common sense, but it is tough.

So here I am at the age of 33 open to any advice that is out there right now. I feel like literally I took a path in life that was not meant to be (yet is because everything has happened), and things are not what they seem. I was raised to believe that everything always works out in the end, but when it comes to my life, there is a huge wrench in the gears. To make it clear again, I have not reached out to my ex from a decade ago, but I am struggling to keep myself from doing this as it is against the vows I took in marriage. I am not an envious person, and am very very proud of who my ex has become. I feel like we had to part in order for her to get what she wanted at the cost of me. I really, REALLY hope she is happier with her life choices than I am. 


Sorry for the long posts, but thank you in advance for reading.


EDITED


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Get the ex out of your mind. She's married and unavailable. 

You need to work on getting yourself happy. Stop the drinking. Work out. Eat healthy. Been to the Doctor for a check up (blood work, physical) recently? Get yourself healthy.

Then if you and your wife need to decide if this marriage is worth saving. With such a young child, it should be worth an attempt. This means marriage counseling and individual counseling. Give yourself a timeline to get things back on track. 6 months, 12 months? If you feel like it's not working afterwards, look at seperation. 

Man, I never want to get married again after reading these posts on this site. Ha, sorry. I'm in the middle of a divorce and this just brings back memories from the past 8 years of my miserable life.


----------



## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

GuyInColorado said:


> Get the ex out of your mind. She's married and unavailable.


This^. You are looking for an external bandaid of happiness to take your mind off your own misery. Leave your ex alone, nothing good will come of that. Sort out your own sh!t in your backyard. 

You already know all this, you just need to have it confirmed. Good luck.


----------



## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

It's not that easy. One of my keys to happiness is re-entering the sport that made me happy. Now that I have a kid and a wife that disapproves of getting back into it, there is no sanctuary or pursuit to solstice. I come home every day from work to a wife that pretty much says, 'oh you're home, your turn to watch the kid and put her to sleep'.

I agree with getting her out of my head, and I am trying everything possible to do that. It is frustrating. It's almost like what was a scar has now been cut open again metaphorically.

Even my wife (which I did not discuss up above) has said there was a guy that she was completely in sync with, much like I was with my ex, but she lost him and chose me over him. Seems like she regrets her decision too.

Regardless of what happens, I don't even want to do anything that would cause damage to my ex's marriage and family. No way whatsoever. But, if my marriage continues the way it is, fighting about just completely pointless stuff, and in-laws, there has to be more to life than this.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Get yourself into counselling. It will help.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm sorry OP but you have no business being friends with your ex on FB or anywhere else. Or looking her up on FB.

You also have 0 to do with her success - you did stifle her when you stopped her following her dream. I get it, you were young...both of you. But she got where she is with 0 help from you buddy.

Your focus should be on your wife, child and marriage. 150%. Whatever you have to do to save it you need to start doing TODAY.


----------



## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

I don't credit myself at all to my ex's success. She did that herself. I just gave her advice at the time and that is how I see it. And, she did follow her dream, and got it. That makes me happy as I am the kind of person that helps friends and family when they need it, while ironically never taking my own advice. Oh and thanks to some on here, there is no way in hell I am reaching out to her on FB. She has her own life just as I have mine. That is clear to me.

My child is my everything to me, and I am trying to pull all stops mentally that keep me from saving my marriage, otherwise I would not be posting on this board seeking advice. The problem is trying to overcome the challenges of incompatibility now. It goes deeper than this such as her hostility toward my family.

When it comes to your advice, it is a mental kick in the ass, and that is honestly the advice I need. Sometimes there are people that need sense knocked into them... and apparently I fall in to that category


----------



## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

Why is your wife hostile towards your family? You need individual counseling. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

She feels like she is not accepted among my family. This is a problem too as my ex was. In fact, there was a time when my cousins refused to talk to me, and my ex at the time pretty much cleaned house, telling them to stow the rivalry as there is only one life to live. Ironically, my cousin married woman that looks exactly like my ex...how is that for trying to get over someone in life when a family member has a spouse that looks like her lol.

My wife and my Mom feud though when it comes to our child. My parents do not live in my area, and are about 700 miles away. Whenever we visit them, my wife and mother always fight. I get my parents want to see their grandchild, but my wife cannot grasp that concept and waits for my Mom to do something she does not agree with and start something up. It was like that the Christmas after my daughter was born too. My mother wanted to hold her when she was still really tiny and my wife completely turned the house upside down. My parents said they were going to leave and I told my wife, if they leave that it is because of her attitude toward them and that I would leave her if this continues. That argument came out in the open with my parents begging me not to divorce her. 

My Mom and Dad only see my child 3 to 4 times out of the year, so time spent with her is crucial to them as they want to spend every minute. Everytime they leave, they cry in the car from my house to the airport, and vice versa when we visit and leave.

Honestly, there have been some spats where somehow, I don't know why, we are still together. She has even told me numerous times before we got married that she loves me, but is not in love with me. To which I tried running screaming through the hills to get away from that. I had an HS girlfriend that did the same thing and I dropped her after that little stunt. Somehow she got away with it and is wearing a ring I gave her.

As you can see, this is why everything is coming crashing down, how somehow my first love comes back into my head despite clearly being off limits. 

I don't know how this storybook in life is supposed to go, but I just want the bickering to end, to get back into the sports that I want to do, and to have a family and wife that actually supports me with 100% of what I do.

Holy crap, as I write all of this, I seriously wonder why the hell I am still with her! I even wonder why she looked at that stupid horoscope thing... it's almost as if she was trying to prove something.


----------



## shirdon3 (Mar 15, 2016)

Those of us who've never been there certainly cannot fully understand what you are feeling. And yet we can understand the fire you are playing with, the danger following your feelings and urges is to your future. What seems like a delightful thing to do would almost certainly lead to a lot of pain for your ex and her family, for you and for your wife and child. Continuing to let your future be hijacked by your ex likely will not end well, as you have indicated. 
What can you do?
1. recognize that you cannot just force feelings in the moment to retreat no matter how hard you try. In an appropriate sense stop fighting them, not that you give in to the desire of them but simply acknowledge the feelings are there and you can't do anything to stop them at the moment. The more you fight the feelings the more intense they will become.
2. Cut off any contact you have with your ex, specifically unfriend her on Facebook Do not begin to participate in a sport that will throw the two of you together unless you love trouble. 
3. Learn to talk to yourself. When you begin to ruminate about your ex say (out loud if you can) to yourself, "STOP! I cannot pursue this." Talk to yourself about how damaging it could (would) be to you and your wife and especially to your child. Talk about how damaged and traumatized your child will be if you don't give up the foolishness of pursuing your ex. 
4. Get some counseling from a GOOD COUNSELOR, one whose priority is to heal marriages, to keep them together if at all possible and ultimately bring your wife in to the counseling too. Learn how to talk without fighting; allow the other to think differently than you do, to agree to disagree. Learn to say what you need to say and then shut up if it's leading to a fight. Your wife certainly must love you or she wouldn't have put up with your situation. Take care of things before she changes her mind.
5. I suspect that you may need an anti-depressant for at least a time. You mention a lot about depression. Probably you are consistently depressed. I suspect that is at least part of why your ex is so appealing. You may be mildly depressed and a mildly depressed person can fantasize about stuff in the past to escape the present.
6. keep putting one foot (figuratively speaking) in front of the other. Letting time pass without acting on your illicit desires will solve a whole lot of what is going on with you.


----------



## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

I am not one to take anti-depressants and my wife was on them at the time when I met her. She went cold turkey on them and I was there every minute of her frustration, pain and withdrawl to get off of them. I am the one to believe you cannot throw a pill at a problem much like people throw money at theirs. I did everything that I could to be supportive of her, and that is probably also why she married me. I am loyal when I am needed, and I don't leave anybody behind. 

I can tell you that 12 years ago, everyone had said we were inseparable, then fate happened. Luckily, the sport my EX participates in is a completely different league than the one I want to get back into, and I am very happy for this, otherwise I would have a lot of explaining to do. Like I said, a wife restricting a hobby that gets my mind away from my problems because she thinks she herself is the solution to everything does not help my situation better. I am starting to believe she is becoming possessive because she does not have me helping her with our kid because I am working and she is out of work. Intimacy has been in the tank, and honestly, I don't blame her for the feelings she has. I get home and I am tired. Lately since this whole breakdown happened a couple of months ago, I just want to be on my own, because that was how I recovered from the last break up, but the friends who helped me at the time are no longer in the area to talk my problems out with to seek advice.


----------



## FaithinVisionsRealized (Nov 17, 2015)

Thank you for your open story and vulnerability in sharing. God originally intended man and woman to become one person and as such when there is a separation/ divorce there are pieces of another person that are still left attached to us. I would concur with your first relationship that consummating the marriage prior to marriage affected your relationship in a negative capacity as there is a spiritual component of God's blessing linked. It was around this time that you had mentioned she acted distant and eventually broke off the engagement. Often times in a relationship, we bring in the good aspects of who we are and the negative behaviors/ baggage learned from our family. Until we resolve the deep seeded insecurities and addictions we have within ourselves (the alcohol, drugs, work, etc), we will wind up repeating the same mistakes in the next relationship. It can be difficult to let go of the first love because we left all of our insecurities, self esteem, and view of the world with that particular person. We then seek to make it right with that person. Until we resolve our issues with face to face with God and find our identity with him, the same cycle will repeat itself. My recommendation is for you to write a letter to your ex (Don't give it to her unless you speak with your spouse and involve her in the process) about any regrets, shame, or forgiveness you maybe seeking, how she impacted you negatively/ positively. This letter would be for your closure and healing mainly. If you do choose to contact her it should only be if you are seeking forgiveness in some way and you would need to tell your wife and share with her the message sent to your ex. If you choose to send do not stay in contact as this could be detrimental to your marriage. The greater question here is identifying your identity in God and letting go of excess baggage or lies that you are carrying into your current relationship. We will sometimes search for relationships that are similar to ones that were not successful seeking to fix what is wrong in us or that person. This can lead to a repetition of broken relationships in its wake to repair what only God can repair. Blessings and I hope this helps.


----------



## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

Thanks for sharing. Lately I have come to notice that going to church and praying for strength to overcome this is not quite working out for me, even after going on a daily basis as I have grown desperate to overcome it without doing something stupid like contacting my ex. I'm not doubting God here, but I have asked him why the heck did things happen the way they did and if two people were so perfect, why wreck it? I remember 9 out of 10 people said we were going to get married and be one of those couples you hear about at the top of the tree. Heck we even had the church picked out. As for my wife now, we didn't get married in a church, which really bugged the hell out of me, yet got a priest to do it. I guess we all have to compromise somewhere. Again, why would God allow such a thing to happen? This world is upside down with everything going on in it. There are worse scenarios out there and I have seen them after just joining this board. I hope to God those people find solutions and happiness. But to me, I think God wrote the rules, but praying is getting me down because I don't see anything really happening out of it again. And, this is something I did for two years until I met my wife during my darkest of times. Did he answer the prayers? Yes I think so. Am I happy with the results? No. I'm not a beggar, and beggars can't be choosers, but married life and these memories being torn open from the past really got to the best of me.

Remember, I said in 2012 right after I got married, she attempted to contact me. I wonder why? Was it to seek closure too? Nevermind that now that I feel like I'm pulling myself together thanks to the advice I am receiving. All I know is that, if I see her, or try to contact her again, I am likely to do something stupid, whether she responds or does not respond. I want her to live a full life with her husband, child and her successful career - preferably without any thoughts of me in it and memories together like I am struggling through right now. But I don't want the past in my present, and clearly something is broken in the present to have opened up a sinkhole in my mind to my past.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Nobody gets to go back. Sitting around lamenting the Choices you made is a waste of time. Thinking that this old flame is anything more than a memory I'd delusional.

Live your life. She gets to live hers. Imagine what kind of hellstorm you might create for her entire family by pursuing her? Does that sound like a very loving thing to do? "Gosh I sure miss Sally!, maybe I should blow up her whole life so I can temporarily feel better."

Don't be that guy.....

What an experiment to show how old flames husband will feel if you pursue this course of action?

Read your opening post to you wife.


----------



## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

Everyone here is right on what they have provided me today. Every one of us needs advice now and then to get us back on course, and that is why I am here today.

This will not be easy to recover from short term, but I'll keep my head screwed on as straight as I can through this rough patch. I don't think I want to go back and endure any of the pain I went through all over again. It was not an easy two years...


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It may help to remember that people idolize past relationships. You ex's feelings for you were not strong enough and she used something minor as an excuse to break up. If you think about it, you probably knew. Look at her life now, would you fit in? It's a dream that offers an escape. 

Your conflicts with your wife have solutions. A mother and money are fixable, with the right attitude. If you both want to be happy and want to stay married, you already have the right attitude. Now you just need to apply the right tools to resolve your differences. What exactly are the problems with your mother and money? 

High conflict in the early years is not necessarily risk factors for D. In fact, lots of conflict allows a couple to work out their differences. They don't keep their feelings inside and allow them to fester unlike low conflict couples. They D less frequently than low conflict couples. Google it. You have to lean how to fight fair and compromise. 

You may have a problem with the severe depression precipitated by life circumstances. You may need treatment for that. The drinking is a severe problem that needs to be addressed. Do you love alcohol more than your baby? I don't think so but you need to think of it as a very selfish act and stop drinking.


----------



## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

I'm not sure what her thoughts were over a decade ago about the whole thing, but I remember after I told her that I wouldn't follow her abroad, she began attending school for her passionate career she is in now. And, the school was not abroad, but rather up the road.

I agree that her feelings were not strong enough, otherwise we would have married. Would I have followed her if the career of passion for her was abroad? Yes. But, what she had in mind was not what she really wanted, and that shows today. Fine got it - we all make mistakes when we are young. That is life.

Actually, I followed my wife when she said she wanted to move up North after she graduated so she can live with her family. She never thought I would have done that for her. That made me feel heroic for that brief moment when she said that. I left my family in another town and am the only one up here. Man talk about sacrifice.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

@Uranium238 
The ex is not important nor is what she thought or what you would have done. You think you would have followed her. Really? You regret moving from one section of the country to another yet you think that you as a young man would not feel regret leaving your family to go live in another culture? The point is that you need to understand the it is all a fantasy. The situation was not as rosy as you imagine. 

Don't be a victim. You made the choice so own it and work the hell out of it. If you give in to being a victim, your depression and drinking will be hard to beat. You made the choice and now you need to be a man with a plan, a goal that you are working towards. 

I will tell you one thing, most woman need to feel that the man they marry can handle his sh!t. If he makes a decision he can make it work to his advantage. She needs to feel that he can make the world safe and secure for his family. 

It's can be expressed in symbolic ways. Everything does not have to work out in your lives but the attitude of confidence that you can master problems has to be present. If you have no confidence in yourself who will take care of the family when she is vulnerable as in having a baby? 

It may seem unfair but that is the way it is most of the time. When you show weakness she probably feels she needs to take care of you, the baby and herself. You can have doubts and fears but always have a plan and always work towards solutions. She may not say it but you are her hero just by being a father and taking care of the family.

You are the one who needs to reclaim that feeling. Take steps to solve the personal problems first, drinking and depression. Then take the lead on handling the marital problem, arrange MC. At the same time, develop a passion and make friends with people who have the same, get in shape and eat well.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Uranium238 said:


> I was 20 and was a hopeless romantic back then and met a girl online in a chatroom who was 2 years younger than me. We decided to meet at my job when I worked sales in an electronic store and went to school full time. At first sight, my heart literally stopped.


You write very well. However, if your heart had "literally" stopped, I believe you would be "literally" dead.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You need a good dose of reality. Look up Greener Grass Syndrome. And get off Fvckbook.

IMO you're acting like a teenager which you're not.


----------



## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Just a few thoughts:

Of course you didn't fight with your ex. You had no"real"responsibilities to share: household, baby, finances. It's easy not to fight when those things aren't part of the relationship. 

Your W probably hates your hobby because it was something you shared with your ex. She probably believes that whenever you are participating in it, your thoughts are with you ex, and she's probably correct. 
Perhaps move on and find a new hobby that she can participate in with you. 

Think about things from your wifes perspective. It probably feels like everyone (you, your family) wishes you were married to the ex and not her. That's gotta hurt. Stand up for your wife and work on your future, don't waste time on your past. 

Best of luck.


----------



## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

In my opinion its time to stop dwelling and move on.
Forget the ex.
She is a convenient distraction because things are tough at home.
I agree with other posters..get off fb and concentrate on the family you do have, right in front of you.
Someone said that people idolize ex's and it's so true
You tend to forget the bad and only remember the roses and how fantastic it was.
If you put the energy that you are spending dwelling in the ex into trying to fix your marriage who knows where you might be.



Sent from my iPhone


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

As a poster on this thread said, people idolise past relationships.

Your ex actually sounded freaky to me (and I don't care what sport she is doing well in) - she freaked out for no real reason the last time you were with her and that (rightly, IMO) caused the two of you to break up. Now suddenly, she is miss wonderful !?!?!? (actually, Mrs. Wonderful).

You also tend to sometimes sound like a glass half empty type of guy. Your ex is taken. She has a life of her own. Yet you want to fantasise about her while you are already in a relationship with a wife and family.

You need to grow up and learn to deal with your current situation which is reality rather than look to fantasy and unicorns that don't exist.

Work on your marriage and yourself now and forget about any other past (seemingly perfect) women.


----------



## shirdon3 (Mar 15, 2016)

I don't suggest throwing a pill at psychological needs and that may not be what you need. I myself fought it but ultimately took some meds for a time while mentally overcoming a rough situation in my life and then was able to get off of the med. But forget about the pill. Use the "stop technique" especially. In general I effectively use an adaptation of the stop technique when I start ruminating about something and need to shut it down, only more recently I say to myself, "No! I'm not getting into that right now". Sometimes I have to use it several times in a short period of time to stop the rumination. 
I also have found that there is a difference between actively thinking about "it" and it passively being in my thinker. You can't force a thought out of your mind. For instance you can't successfully say to yourself, "I'm not going to think about pink elephants" and thereby push the concept of pink elephants out of your mind. but if you stop the active rumination about it eventually the pink elephants will lessen and ultimately you'll be set you free. You can'force yourself to push the thought of your ex out of your mind but you can stop the active rumination which lessens the intensity and ultimately will let your mind move on to other things. 
And I 100% agree with the therapist who wrote after me about God and church and prayer. I'm not sure I agree with the idea of writing the ex and involving your wife, telling the ex about the positive things of you relationship with her. Too much fodder there to cause your wife's thinker to get stuck on. I suspect it would be good to write her and tell her you are moving on and need to terminate contact. I suspect that would bring a measure of closure.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your current wife loved you enough to marry you. The glorified "ex" ran at first sign of trouble.

Stop the pining for what you can't have and shouldn't want. And put all that energy into your relationship with your wife.
And atop making all these excuses for drinking. There seems to be an endless supply of them.
You've got a lot of problems to cute in yourself. Your wife now is willing to be there while you work them out. How cool is that????
Wake up and see your wife for who she really is.
And good luck! 
Btw, we all think stupid thoughts sometimes. Call your ex up and tell her how you feel. After she shoots this all down you will much easier put this out of your mind.
No going back, sir....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## shirdon3 (Mar 15, 2016)

I didn't see all the advice on this page 2 of responses. I'm sure you get the point. They are right on in what they say. They too told you what you need to do. I told you how. So...:grin2:
http://www.marriagestabilizer.com


----------



## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

Last night ended a bit rough. I worked a late one and came home with the in-laws at my house. Home was a mess sadly and once they left, my wife dumps the kid on me again. That is fine as I don't see my kid all day. It was off to bedtime, to which I fell asleep too but woke up and decided to go spend some time with my wife. Albeit, I was dog-tired from a 14 hour day and an hour drive home. I fell asleep sitting on a sofa for five minutes and she shoved me to wake me up, ranting how frustrated she is with me and to go to bed. I didn't feel like arguing so I walked away and went to sleep.

There is no understanding in the fact that I am the one supporting this family now, and she is a full time Mom. Like I said the house is a mess when I come home, and I do what I can to clean it up if I'm not dragging from exhaustion. At least I didn't drink or think about my ex. I just focused on my next day (which is today).

Oh and to those recommending I find another hobby... not a chance. This sport has been in my family for generations and will always be. My ex and I never were at the same events because we were different classes. She went the all star route, and I became an instructor, that is until I sacked it for my would-be wife. And no, I don't think about my ex doing it.... there is too much to focus on coordination wise to dwell on something that would otherwise ruin a perfectly good day and the bank account for repairs due to distractions.


----------



## shirdon3 (Mar 15, 2016)

I'd like to remove my advice to stop your "hobby". In your initial posts it sounded like your hobby was putting you in a situation where you were with your ex. Since it doesn't then, hobby away. Enjoy it as long as you don't over use it thus keeping you from being home when you should be to spend time with your "kid" and your wife when you aren't so exhausted you fall asleep. I recently read some marriage tips from one Clair Coleman, some of which might be helpful to you as you try to get your marriage back together. I've posted a link to that site below. :smile2:

http://www.marriagestabilizer.com


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It seems that when the going gets tough, you seek an escape (booze, exes) rather than a solution. Your wife is probably short with you because she knows you are reminiscing about the one that got away and she feels unloved and unappreciated. Tackle your problems and be glad that your wife knows how to stick by a person (unlike your ex).


----------



## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

I don't think that is it. She has been frustrated the way our marriage has gone lately, and how we fight. In fact whenever I come home after work it's been very cold lately at my house. 

I don't have good news to give right now and we have shared some phone calls this morning to talk about other tasks around the house. I called her back asking if we could talk and she hung up on me. Last night when she snapped at me she said she wanted to leave if we continued the route we did, which is completely the opposite of what she had said only days ago about trying to keep things together. 

This will not be a good night again and I think we really are heading down the road to divorce. I admit fault as I have put my work in front of her, and the routine which drove me into the state I am now. Trying to talk to her today on the phone, I wanted to diffuse last night's tensions and turn it into something positive so we can have a nice night together. I actually wanted to leave work early just for her today. I don't even think I want to go home now. I am not afraid to tackle the situation, I just don't feel like dealing with more arguing, because if it happens, I will walk out of the house tonight.

EDIT: I talked to her on the phone just now and explained that I didn't want to fight and be civil, but she continued a tirade about how I am stubborn (true but she is too) and I have no time for her. She said she didn't want to talk and I told her in the interest of not stressing her out that I would hang up now, to which I did.

Like I said in a prior post, "can't live with each other, can't live without each other." If you think thoughts of my ex lately are bad, try dealing 4 years of a girlfriend telling you that you should think like the guy she is best friends with in order to be in sync with her. I put that to bed real fast when I told her to stop and analyze what she was really saying and put herself in my shoes. Well, I put myself in her shoes in the situation that I am in right now, and I don't like it either. However, in order for this to work, we both need to change and turn it over to a positive note. Right now I am offering the olive branch, and she still holds the arrow. 

I am going to talk to my friend today about retaining services as contingency, which is real sad because he was one of my groomsmen.

Someone mentioned my health recently and I can tell you it is not good. I only eat one meal a day (which is dinner when I come home after work) now and have been living off coffee, water and alcohol (well prior to last night) in supplement to it. I have been having some arrhythmia issues since December of last year and my doctor is now involved.


----------



## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

I thought I would update everyone on what has transpired since I have posted. Our fighting has diminished these past couple of days and we spend more time together at night. I get less sleep, but I don't care as I need my wife's companionship. I did not call my friend the attorney because I feel like that would be the easy way out right now.

Here is the thing that bug's me. These past couple of days too, she keeps bringing up the guys from her past that she had feelings for, one being more than the other. I directly asked her why and she had said she just wanted to tell me everything. While I am glad I have this communication with her, it has spawned my dreams again and thoughts of my first love, just when I started toward a path to keeping her out of my head. I still don't want to do anything stupid like reaching out to her and I agree with everyone on here that she was a coward for taking off 12 years ago. Clearly, one of us loved the other more, and the one that ran was clearly an indecisive game-player. And, that is what sucks - I clearly chose the wrong 'first love' in that case. Then again, not many strike gold with a first love in life as a companion for the rest of theirs.

My wife has always been there and vice versa when we had problems on an individual level. It's just the fighting like cats and dogs that's still getting to me. Bringing up past ex's doesn't help, but at least we are open to each other. Everytime she mentions them, I start thinking about the girl from my past again.


----------



## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Good luck, especially with the health issues. I expect these will clear once you make a decision on your marriage.


----------



## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Why are you guys even talking about exes?
Enough is enough.
IMO both of you need to focus on each other and your marriage.


Sent from my iPhone


----------



## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

She has always talked about them as long as I have been with her. The scenario is similar, clearly we had stronger feelings for another who just did not have the guts to take the leap into seriousness, and sought easy ways out. She dreams of this guy, I have dreams of my ex sometimes. I know that when I wake up in the morning, I'm rambling to myself to forget about the damn dreams and focus on my day. Hell, sometimes I think there is a brief moment where we both have thought about 'what could have happened'. Lately after seeking help on this forum, I don't want those thoughts to recur anymore. 

I know I don't want to talk about ex's anymore, and I have made that clear two days ago. Again, it was brought up yesterday, and somehow she brings up my ex too. Facepalm inducing. 

I have it clear now that my past is poison to my present, and my future. I also know that the picture of my wife in her wedding dress I put on my phone makes all of those thoughts go away whenever I take a minute to glare at it. The same goes for my kid too.


----------



## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

Nice how you blame your wife for the crap with your parents. Sounds like your parents are pushy and need to back the **** off.

She's a ***** who *gasp* expects you to parent your child.

Why don't you just divorce and let your wife find a real man who loves her and who is not getting a woody for his married ex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

Oh that's cute. I got some advice for you *******. Go play in traffic.. and by traffic I mean on the autobahn during rush hour


----------



## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

You guys need to reconnect
I think a lot of people have had a moment where you say what if. Then you realize where you are now and push those thoughts out.



Sent from my iPhone


----------



## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

Lately in these past couple of days, I have been asking if we can have some time to ourselves and pass the kid along to the grandparents to take care of. Has not happened yet, but for some reason I get the feeling she does not want that to happen as she alludes, 'well you have both of us'.


----------



## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Yes you have both of them but a marriage is also just the two of you.
Good idea for trying to get you and her time...although she needs to be on the same page and think it's just as important.


Sent from my iPhone


----------



## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

You are married. With a child. That is all you need to think about. STOP allowing yourself to think about your exes.

You sound like one of those people who needs to burn your little black book. Get off the attention needle, pay more attention to your wife and child. I predict good things will come to you if you focus on what is good in your life.

This place is letting you dream about "what if". I'm going to suggest others stop enabling you. Good luck.


----------



## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

@sapientia

That is exactly what I am trying to do. FOCUS on the wife and child. I know what I have to do and need to do. I also know of what NOT TO DO. This is not something that changes overnight, but I will keep up my end of the bargain and get the thoughts of my ex out of my head and life once again, for the sake of my marriage and child.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Uranium238 said:


> @sapientia
> 
> That is exactly what I am trying to do. FOCUS on the wife and child. I know what I have to do and need to do. I also know of what NOT TO DO. This is not something that changes overnight, but I will keep up my end of the bargain and get the thoughts of my ex out of my head and life once again, for the sake of my marriage and child.


It takes time but you can get rid of the ex from your head space. Anytime you find yourself thinking of her, change your thoughts.

Love in marriage ebbs and flows. This is a low period for you and your wife. How you handle it is a measure of your abitlity to truly love your wife and child.


----------



## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

Uranium238 said:


> Oh that's cute. I got some advice for you *******. Go play in traffic.. and by traffic I mean on the autobahn during rush hour


Go screw yourself. I'm not the one jonesing for someone who has moved on and doesn't want me while I resent my spouse because I'm expected to be a parent. 

But please, keep projecting. It's highly entertaining. >
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Uranium238 said:


> 10 days later, disaster struck. An ex contacted me via AOL at the time to see how I was doing. I conversed with her but cut her off after telling her it was a bad idea and I was happy. I told her about what happened after our night out and she became hysterical and said she wanted space and time to think. I did not talk to her until a week later when we discussed it and put it passed us. We saw each other three more times after that week. On the tenth day after our lack of communication, she cried on me, telling me she cannot get past what happened. I asked her what she wanted to do and she said she wanted her freedom. I warned her that I would not contact her ever again in my life as she would be just another ex.


I still cannot follow why you and main EX broke up. Because ANOTHER EX contacted you via AOL? 

You have three options:
1) Stay were you are
2) Contact the EX and try to reconnect. Cheat on your wife and see if EX will cheat on her husband. If the works, you both get together, consummate often, then fight again and divorce, so each of you will be on divorce No 2.
3) Divorce you wife and move on.

You are in love with a fantasy EX. It did not work out then (and I still can't see why not) so what makes you think it will work out now. You know it won't, but you still cannot help thinking about the ex.

Try reading "How to Fall Out of Love" by Dr. Debora Phillips. Awesome book that can help you. BTW, this is option #1 without you obsessed with EX. You are obsessed. Not a criticism, but a true fact. You know it too. The thoughts will not just go away either. 

Read the book.


----------



## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

@blueinbr - That is correct. We split because I was contacted by a previous ex-girlfriend. The problem was, I always had ex's try and come back into my life, whether seeking a relationship again or some sort of intimacy. This has happened all the way through my marriage. It stopped finally in 2013. I rightfully turned them down and wanted nothing to do with them. I remember she was insecure though, but I accepted it as a merely a bump in the road. We were both young and clearly one of us had more maturity and love than the other. What happened has happened, I see that now. 

I'm not leaving my wife for her, especially if I have never talked to her in 12 years. She has a family, and I do as well. I won't even attempt to reach out and contact her. It likely is a fantasy to get away from the current problems at home and work, that clearly caught me off guard. I had never thought about her this much before when I met my wife, and she is well aware of my past as I am of hers. Great thing was despite having another fight last night, I wasn't thinking about my past until I tuned back into my thread.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Well if you split because you were contacted by previous ex (which theoretically was out of your control unless you knew in advance to block her on AOL), then there really was no stability in that relationship. She would have found another insecure reason to leave you. Think about it. Only 10 days out of the propose and disaster hits. 

Enjoy the pleasant thoughts about what was and leave it in the past. Who knows what horrors her now current husband is experiencing. He might be a posted on TAM telling his unhappy story. 

Reality vs fantasy. You know the story.

Now, let's not let that fantasy interfere with you working on improving your unhappy marriage.


----------



## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

These past three nights dreams of her have returned. Three Straight Nights. I try to avoid the random thoughts of the past but somehow cannot get away from it. I push myself to change my train of thought. We stopped talking about ex's recently which has really helped out, but onward came those stupid dreams again. Argh, why do some of us dream about the past? Can someone explain that to me?

A couple of nights ago my wife had asked if we ever split if I would keep the 'benefits' with her. She has said this more than once to me since at least two years into our intial relationship prior to marriage (initially I thought she was being playful but I am starting to think otherwise), and did once again reiterate how incompatible we are. Heck, I remember she even said she loved me but wasn't in love with me, but that was proven wrong I guess when we took our vows. Last night, she had also alluded to the fact that I would probably date my first love again, to which I sharply cut her off, reminding her how very married she is with a kid, and happily too. She said the pics she has posted only show happiness on the outside. This tells me that she has looked at her on FB too. 

Part of me believes that she does not want this marriage either. I know despite all of the fighting I still love her and losing her would not quite wreck me as bad as before. This is probably because we would be civil about it. I have made a pact with myself that if this marriage does ever end, that I never will remarry again. I just feel like it's too much red tape, and just want to concentrate on making sure I steer my daughter the right way in life as best as I can.

In all seriousness, I just feel like this whole process keeps repeating itself again. I still haven't got a clue why out of the middle of no where 12 years later these thoughts, dreams and visions of my ex emerge. My wife and I have had worse issues in the past and we have overcome them without these 'thoughts'.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Uranium238 said:


> I don't credit myself at all to my ex's success. She did that herself. I just gave her advice at the time and that is how I see it. And, she did follow her dream, and got it. That makes me happy as I am the kind of person that helps friends and family when they need it, while ironically never taking my own advice. Oh and thanks to some on here, there is no way in hell I am reaching out to her on FB. She has her own life just as I have mine. That is clear to me.
> 
> My child is my everything to me, and I am trying to pull all stops mentally that keep me from saving my marriage, otherwise I would not be posting on this board seeking advice. The problem is trying to overcome the challenges of incompatibility now. It goes deeper than this such as her hostility toward my family.
> 
> When it comes to your advice, it is a mental kick in the ass, and that is honestly the advice I need. Sometimes there are people that need sense knocked into them... and apparently I fall in to that category


You take the words right out of my mouth...

:banghead:


----------



## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

Going to need some more advice from the TAM people here. It's not getting better again, but rather more like an onion, one layer after another.

I don't get anymore than 5 hours of sleep per night now since I started this thread. After the dreams I have had, sometimes I fear going to sleep out of concern of those dreams of my first love. Nevertheless, last night I had a huge falling out with the wife. She claims that she is unhappy at home because our toddler drives her crazy. The house is still a mess, but she accuses me of not helping her at all when I come home. As soon as I walk through the door, I am greeted with usually something along the lines of 'oh hi, can you watch our kid now'. We do kiss, but I have to make the move now. 

We had a bad dinner last night and had to return some groceries due to poor quality before even expiring. Okay, no problem. It was an off day. We were out running errands and dropped our kid off at her grandma's (my mother in-law). We talked about food and played coy with innuendos, then I mentioned my favorite dessert and where to get it. She snapped back, 'I know why you like that food, it's because of her.' Not exactly the case, I used to get food up the road from my ex long before I met her. My wife complained that I never took her there... well guess what. I had a VERY good reason not to, and that was because I would have probably ran into my ex there prior to us moving up north. 

As the night dragged on, we picked up our kid and I put her down to sleep. I dozed off with her and woke up to my wife banging the door open to our bedroom. She was yelling that I always leave her with a mess and I forgot to clean the kitchen tonight. I apologized, to which she responded that a 'sorry' does not cut it anymore. (In a period of five-nights out of the week, I fall asleep on two of them because I am so damn tired from work; she makes it sound like I never put in my share, which is completely false.)

After our exchange, I got up after the 2 hour nap, and I put three hours into cleaning the kitchen and did not fall asleep till 3:30. While cleaning the kitchen, we bickered and I pretty much put the hammer down. I said clearly that 'if she is not happy in this household and we are selling this house, I think we should split the money from the sale and go our separate ways'. She got quiet after that; I continued to finish cleaning, and then told her I was going to bed. "Fine," she responds. 

This morning, I woke up and kissed her on the cheek (something I have not done lately) before leaving for work, but I just did not feel right inside doing this. I feel like I continue to grow unhappy, and the thoughts of divorce are starting to seem like liberation to me. I love my child so much, and I never wanted to raise her in a broken household. My parents are married still, and that was the example set for me... to work out my problems. However, when you dated a girl you eventually married who would talk about her ex more than you talked about yours, and would say she is not in love with you... it kind of hits you when it's too late. And, you realize the warning signs were there that she is self-destructive.

I feel like I have paid the price in my life of foolishness, and I accept that. I am still haunted this morning by the train of thought of my ex, which clearly is because I AM UNHAPPY.

On a side note, I saw in a separate thread, some people leave TAM without completely absorbing the advice given to them. I am not going that route. This is a campaign that can either be resolved two ways... Stay or Go. 

This is where some of you TAM folks really help out with advice here. I really, really feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place here, frustrated and tearing up as I write this post.


----------



## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

After a phone call today to try and defuse the situation, I again requested that we have some time to ourselves again where we can have dinner alone a night of just the two of us. It is not possible based upon her response and she basically said 'no because we are parents and you have to have both of us'. 

I really understand what she is saying here, but look at all the hellstorm that has been going on. Since February, I have been struggling with the thoughts of the past. I keep re-reading everything that has been said on here to try and offer me some glimmer or hope here, only to be shot down at yet another argument. I want to reconnect. I really do, and there is a part of me that does not and wants to be 'free'.... God, I would never thought I would hear myself say the same thing my ex told me 12 years ago.

The reality is, we are incompatible. We are both very stubborn and have very strong personalities. But, I am trying very hard to move past this and just seek the intimate time we need to put this marriage back on the right track. I don't want to wind up on some dating site later on after our vows go in the toilet and I'm signing some dotted line for divorce. Holy hell I am stuck in indecisiveness here.

Starting to feel a bit lost here in this whole thing. Not sure if I would be selfish if I sought a way out, or more of a punching bag by staying in this marriage until the next fight hits that causes us to sleep in different rooms.


----------



## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

Well last night, my wife came clean and said that she is unhappy in our marriage too. She had said I was always the one that kept us together, preventing us from faltering. This is where I feel like all the pressure is on me. Doesn't it take TWO people to keep a marriage together, and not just one? I told her that we were going through a rough patch right now, a really rough one, and that we need to be there for each other if we are to come out of this. 

I was given free tickets to a sporting event this weekend I wanted to take the family to. She told me to go alone, which really bugged me. I asked why and she said I like those events more than she does. Last time she went, she got the princess treatment with the other wives there while we guys were the ones that were busy doing all the work. These events are what I would be participating in the near future. It would be nice to have the support from her, much like my other friends have from their wives.

I really don't know where to go from here now.. My heart tells me to save this, but if she is unhappy, and I love her, I would want her to go off and be happy, if unhappiness is what is killing us both. Help and prayers go a long ways. If I have to give this one final effort to keep it together, I will be firewalling it to succeed.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It may be better to make all of the plans for the outing before inviting her. Get the baby sitter lined up and arrange the time you will leave etc. Sounds like she wants you to take the lead. 

It does take two and she should not expect you to do all of the work. But taking the lead as the caretaker of the relationship does not mean you do all the work. You can act as a foreman and direct how and where the work should be done. 

Take the lead by learning what you both need to do to turn this around. If you need professional help then you should arrange it. If she does not go, you should go anyway.


----------



## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

I am starting a new thread. Minutes ago I had a huge fight with the wife and she told me to get out.. I left the house to go for a drive just for an hour to cool off and when I came back she is gone now.

It's over.... I cannot do this anymore. The master bedroom is ransacked and there are clothes all over the floor.

SHE TOOK MY LITTLE ONE WITH HER.. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

Hi OP,
It sounds like maybe you're using the feelings you have for your ex to not try as hard in your marriage, you're hung up on the what-could've-beens. Have you sat down and thought about what would happen if you did act on those feelings? You have got to realize that your ex is not the same person that she used to be and neither are you. You're both grown up with spouses and children of your own. You need to go to IC to really analyze your residual feelings (because this is exactly what they are) for your ex and get passed them. You harboring feelings for someone you can never have is unfair to your wife and very unhealthy. You are not giving your wife ALL of you. Part of you still belongs to your ex.


----------



## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Uranium238 said:


> I was in my Sophomore year of college... EDITED


It is perfectly natural to think about your first love, we all do. But you are crossing the line into obsessing over her. I knew you stepped in a big steaming pile when you told her you didn't want her to go to school abroad. That wasn't your decision to make and it ended what you were trying to preserve.

You two really need to seek counseling-together and separately. You need help in putting your ex firmly in the past. You should look into finding out how to fall in love with your wife again. You love her but are you "in love" with her? Finally, you also need to lay off the booze-being a drunk never solved any problems. If you need to blow off steam go to the gym. Get back into the sports you loved. That will burn off the excess energy, doesn't cost as much and won't give you a hangover.


----------

