# Does he really think of me?



## Gailie (Dec 2, 2010)

I feel like I'm obsessing about this but...last week my husband and I went out for dinner at a restaurant that I despise going to and have managed to avoid for almost a year but he wanted to go so... (it's chinese and I have severe food allergies which make eating there difficult at best, and life threatening at worst, although that hasn't happened, yet.)

While we were sitting there and I was watching him stuff his face from the buffet (which is irritating in itself because he needs to lose about 50 lbs and doesn't care) I was trying to be positive and remind myself that it is a two way street and he should be able to eat where he likes to occasionally, even if it is difficult for me. He then went to the dessert section and got himself some ice cream. For whatever reason (probably because I was watching him) he told me it was rum and butter ice cream and asked if I wanted some, then put some on his spoon and offered it to me. Now, that would be ok for most people perhaps but for me? If I had taken him up on that bite I would most likely have spent the rest of the evening in the emergency room being miserable because of yet another anaphylactic reaction (I've now gone through 6 of them, some worse than others).

So, how do I know if he was seriously offering me a bite to be nice or just being the ass he can occasionally be and think he's being funny? Do I ask him? And why is this bothering me so much? After 21 years of marriage I would hope that he is aware of what I am and am not allergic to, but with the other problems that we (I) are having I just feel like this is another indication of his lack of caring.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

How many foods are you allergic to? And are any of the allergies ones that would be somewhat obscure, say being allergic to a specific ingredient found in some foods? 

If you're allergic to a very, very long list, I could see easily forgetting one now and then. If you're allergic to a specific ingredient, it could simply be that he's not aware of the ingredients in ice cream and so didn't think. 

If you feel that this is proof that he doesn't care, then you have to look at why. If it's because there are numerous issues, and this is just the last in a long list, then it might be something to consider. If it's just that you're frustrated with him at the moment, then you might look for examples of when he has done something to prove he cares to try to counter the negative thoughts.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Maybe he doesn't' care. Does he have a reason to care?


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## Gailie (Dec 2, 2010)

My allergies are common - nuts, peanuts, shellfish and soy. Trying to eat at a chinese restaurant with those allergies is really difficult - I am having to deal with all of them in the same place.

The problem with the ice cream is that after 15 years of not ever going out for a hard ice cream cone because of my allergies, and only being able to buy one brand of ice cream at the grocery store because it advertises being nut/peanut free - which he does know because he sometimes buys it - why would he do that?

I feel very selfish sometimes because I get pretty much what I want materially, but I don't seem to be able to get through to him that buying me things just doesn't take the place of doing things with me. I actually miss the days when we didn't have money and we would take the kids out to the park or for a hike or sledding - and we had other friends that we played cards with and went to concerts and out for dinner with and did things. Now, we have no kids left at home, there's lots of money to do things, but all we do is watch tv. We have no friends and he doesn't seem to want to make an effort to get some. I have brought this up with him and although he says he doesn't know anybody, he also shoots down suggestions on ways to meet people so we could make friends. He works and has a lot of social interaction at work while I am at home and am unable to work because I am disabled. I have done as much as I could to get out of the house during the week but it is difficult. The people I meet and interact with during the day are mostly women who are retired and have their own social lifes and are not couples which we could create a social life with. I just wish he would care enough to make some effort and invite someone from his work like I have asked him to, even if it is not his first choice of activity for the weekend. 

I'm starting to rant. There are many things going on here and I think I need to get some counselling . I just wish I knew why he did that thing with the ice cream. It is really upsetting to me for all that it seems like such a small thing


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

At the risk of sounding like I'm talking down to you and/or suggesting an oversimplified solution, why don't you just ask him why he did it? We can all sit here all day and speculate on all the reasons he might have done it and what it all means, but he's the one inside his head. He's the one who can tell you what was going through his mind when he did it. 

If you guys have communication issues (which I'm thinking you might since you came here to ask why he did that), counseling can help you communicate better. I would seriously think about it.


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## Gailie (Dec 2, 2010)

I could ask him. I think I'm afraid of the answer.

I got my hands on the EAP brochure from his work so I can at least arrange for some counselling locally which will be covered by our health care plan and isn't strange.

I had made an appointment with a local social worker (from the phone book and I confirmed he was legit before I saw him) but he was weird. He was going on about juicing and how good it was for you and colenemas?? and how it would help me become stronger physically (I've been very sick since October) which would help me mentally. Well, I agree that being physically sick can make me feel vulnerable and depressed but seriously, juicing to fix me? I paid him for his hour and never went back. And then, after that? My health care plan won't cover him. 

Anyway, I know we are having communication issues and I didn't expect an answer for why he would do that. I just need to vent to someone who doesn't have any personal connection I guess


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## FCHAVEZ (Jan 20, 2011)

Gailie said:


> While we were sitting there and I was watching him stuff his face from the buffet (which is irritating in itself because he needs to lose about 50 lbs and doesn't care).


Do you think maybe you were looking at him with an expression on your face that said what you were thinking. Maybe he could see you were irritated with him so he then became irritated with you and he did it on purpose. But like someone else said unless you ask him you will never know.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Gailie said:


> I feel very selfish sometimes because I get pretty much what I want materially, but I don't seem to be able to get through to him that buying me things just doesn't take the place of doing things with me.


Google five love languages. Dollars gets yah donuts his love language is gifts. He is trying to speak his language to you. Not the same as speaking yours. But at least you can start to HEAR him speaking love if it is his.




> I actually miss the days when we didn't have money and we would take the kids out to the park or for a hike or sledding - and we had other friends that we played cards with and went to concerts and out for dinner with and did things. Now, we have no kids left at home, there's lots of money to do things, but all we do is watch tv. We have no friends and he doesn't seem to want to make an effort to get some. I have brought this up with him and although he says he doesn't know anybody, he also shoots down suggestions on ways to meet people so we could make friends.


Thought. Don't make suggestions. Make plans! I have a friend who whines like a child whenever she makes new plans. She drags him, kicking and screaming. Then what she took him to becomes his favorite thing ever!


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