# My wife's just confirmed she isn't in love with me anymore...



## Kiwipadgy (Oct 14, 2017)

12 oct

Last night was first time my wife admitted she doesn't really feel love for me anymore. 

It started over her normal issues with money and that she can't travel with me again as we are clearly on different wave lengths. (We are on a three week family holiday in Vietnam)

We discussed the money thing for a while and agreed we are on different pages...(she is super tight fisted and I'm not... she worries 24x7 about money and we are definitely not in the situation of having to worry about money). Anyway... I then visited my real concern re this apparently meaning 'we can't travel together again'... something she stated quite emphatically. She reiterated it again.

I suggested that's pretty extreme and suggests more than just money issues. I took the opportunity to query what's been on my mind for some time.... does she really still love me. 

She replied that she doesn't know... that she sees us more as flat mates. 

Discussion lead to us talking about our feelings for each other. That for quite a numbers of years it's been me trying to initiate any affection in the relationship... from a light touch when we pass... to a hug or kiss ... and certainly for sex. 

She agreed and said it wasn't really a priority for her. 

I said that had become pretty obvious. We discussed the importance of intimacy .. being needed ... and that's an important part of everyone's needs... certainly mine. For her though it isn't... it's like she doesn't have that basic level of needs around intimacy, love, sex...(I guess if you don't need it anymore then how can you give it!). 

We talked at length about why that was, what does she need emotionally. She doesn't know. 

I asked whether it was me just not doing it for her anymore. She didn't really answer this... stating that it just doesn't cross her mind (re intimacy). 

Her focus is on the kids, running the house and work. We talked about this for a while... that anything I've read recently about relationships absolutely has the relationship at the top of the triangle... certainly not at the bottom! (She missed out her twin sister as well who has always been her real best friend ahead of me). 

I mentioned counseling which she balked at. I reminded her of her own comment re other relationships where she had either suggested counseling (directly to the person ) for one and had mentioned a few times over the years on another that ' they are like flat mates but knows there is no intimacy and that's not a good thing'. How does that reconcile with her own feelings and how can she not determine that counseling might not be relevant? She sorted agreed (not sure if just placating) but there's clearly no underlying prioritization or sense of catalyst to do something about this. 

I opened up that i miss the intimacy we had, I need to be needed, loved, wanted (not easy for me to say). She knows I do but just doesn't know if she will ever get that feeling back. At one point she questioned did she really ever have it (in context of expressing herself in the way we'd been discussing ... i.e. Initiating affection/intimacy or at least responding in kind!). 

(bit of a kick in the guts) I responded that In my view we absolutely had that...but it hasn't been there for 5-10 years... she didn't think that long but agreed more last few years. (Looking back the signs have been there for some time!)

She asked what's the worst case if she simply can't get that back and/or give what I need. I focused the discussion on her re her needing to know herself and her needs first... as I don't think without her knowing herself she would get there. 

However I did say that we could have another 20/30/40 years together and is a 'flatmate' relationship really what she wanted? Not sure that's healthy for either of us and simply staying together for the normal reasons of 'the kids' or 'what will the family think'. 

Somewhere throughout the above the classic line of 'loves me but not in love with me' was used. 

Not sure where to go next... wished the conversation had taken place after the holiday we ate on as may take the gloss of next few days.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Someone here will ask:

What's her boyfriend's name?

And have you check your telephone bill for strange numbers.

Have you considered that? Will you?

It's something you should consider if only to rule out.


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## Kiwipadgy (Oct 14, 2017)

Yes... a good point and I'd be 99.9% sure that's not the case. 

She rarely goes out... if she's on the phone it's normally to her twin sister i.e. The 'real husband' I often refer to her as  

Nonetheless I did check the normal and there's zip sign which I knew would be the case. 

The basis of this seems to be real intimacy issues... it manifests itself in numerous ways.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

How was your sex and intimacy before the chilren came? How old is she right now? 

If you two are middle age or entering middle age, she may very well be pre menopausal. Menopause affects many women terribly. Their hormones and mood swings are all over the place. I know as I am nearing the end of it now. Mine started at around 45. The depression was really bad as well as the short temper which i never had a problem with anger before pre menopause hit me. Some women start showing symptoms as early as 38 years or so.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Kiwipadgy said:


> *She asked what's the worst case if she simply can't get that back and/or give what I need.* I focused the discussion on her re her needing to know herself and her needs first... as I don't think without her knowing herself she would get there.


On the bolded above...

She was basically asking if you are going to divorce her over this 'lack of intimacy' problems she is having.
That was a good deflection on your' part....taking the anxiety down a notch or two.

Oh, she knows what you need. She knows the answer.

*Oh, she knows that she wants out. She is done with you. She wants to start over.* Of this, I am sure.
She wants you to make the move. She has not the heart, nor the resolve.

She will do this 'push away' *passively.*
She is doing 'this' cruel dance, by refusing your' kisses, clasping even tighter her thighs.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

In other words- 
She is just not that into you.


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## Kiwipadgy (Oct 14, 2017)

Menapausal... maybe. We are both 48. It may be a factor but I think this goes deeper. 

For a long time I've accepted that she dies not have the same level of emotional intimacy or sexual intimacy as I do. But to hear her say she doesn't have feelings for me ... and doesn't think she will again.. wow. 

What makes me really worry about whether things can be worked on are her comments re it just not being a priority. Not just me but her own needs. 

We have a wonderful family.. our teenage kids whilst with the normal growing up challenges are the tightest four kids I know. Our friends are always amazed how tight they are and what a great family unit we have. It's mostly true... other than it being built on a loveless marriage. 

Her comments last night weren't a surprise at one level. I've struggled to love my wife for sometime due to her lack of intimacy... and to be clear it's not just the sex. This is very much across all aspects. 

I find myself getting annoyed at her imperfections... the things that I should be finding uniquely her? And that frustration will have shown and not contributed. 

But every time I've broached the topic in the past I've probably been too passive.. not direct enough. I've suggested we spend more time together, date nights, etc. ive sounded pathetic to myself suggesting we need to stop and chat, hug, kiss more often... like she i or she get home from work... she agrees but no follow through. 

My feeling is that her pride more than wanting to truly reignite her love for me would make her go through the motions of working on our relationship. 

She has a strong relationship with her sisters especially her twin... and is competitive with them as well. No one wants to be the 'failed relationship' right! 

One part of me want to just accept where things are at and will probably never resolve... and work on a separation plan. The other part wants to 'grim and bear' it for the sake of the kids... and work on the relationship knowing I will unlikely get to the living relationship I deserve and can give. 

Fair to say I have my own fear of facing the world - family, friends, colleagues, etc- and acknowledging I don't actually have the perfect relationship they all think we have.


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## Kiwipadgy (Oct 14, 2017)

'Just not that into me'

Mmm.. i'd rather she just say that and be able to explain why. 

Be almost easier.. rather than not even be able to acknowledge she has needs that aren't being met. 

It's like she's lacking in the emotion department.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Kiwipadgy said:


> It's like she's lacking in the emotion department.


This is true 
Her emotions are 'flat-lined.' Just, blah..

Part of what you are going through is mid-life-crisis. Both of you are going through this.

Here's the thing...

Some women get better after the children are out of the house, When they become empty nesters.

During the ages from 50+, a lot of women do not get better. They just stay level. They function just fine. But the light step, the gaiety is gone, just gone.
Some get bitter. 

Get bitter as their men get blander, chubbier, slower. 
Men get in a set pattern, into a dry fog. Not wet, dry. Scentless smoke.

Some will get back into intimacy. Become better lovers. This is a mellowing effect. Thinking, "What else is there to do in our spare time?"


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

You already know she is not that into you- look at your thread title.

You admit that you get annoyed with her imperfections.

Do you annoy her with your imperfections?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Reality:

Your marriage is over.
Any more time you spend in it is wasted.
Once you get ILYBINILWY, you will be more emotionally scarred the longer you stay.

She will treat you like **** because now she has no doubt you are beneath her and will tolerate any amount of her bs.

You would be best served to file. Take the hit, take the hurt, but move forward and put her unloving ass in your rear view.

Once a woman stops loving her man, it doesn't return. And they turn into medusa.
Guaranteed your heart will turn to stone every time you look at her. Hers is already as black as pitch.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Death by a thousand cuts?

Nay, marital death by a thousand no's.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

You can't force someone to lobe you. You should be asking yourself if YOU want to stay in this relationship as it is. I know that I couldn't and wouldn't


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Kiwipadgy (Oct 14, 2017)

Thanks guys... the confusing thing is she says she doesn't want to lose me ... wouldn't want anyone else to have me...

She's happy in our perfunctory relationship 

I guess I'm not! 

But as the relationship is stable though not giving me what I need emotionally and physically ... I'm struggling to justify breaking up the family unit. If it were a totally dysfunctional to the point of our issues being visible to the kids eh. Arguing openly all the time, disrespecting in front of them etc etc then it would almost seem easier. But it's very much at the emotional intimacy lever with other differences bring in the more 'normal' range (if that makes sense). 

To answer an earlier question ... yes I certainly have my imperfections and my modus operandi is to talk these things through. Can I be defensive... yes. Do I miss seeing things that need doing... yes. Can I be critical st times... yes. But I'm aware of those traits and do work on them .. and we've discussed those openly. 

Our difference is that I'm happy to accept mine and work on them ... and more often than not when it's the other way round I get 'that's just me and people can't change!' The irony 

I'm very conscious that my wife is not a very confident person. She is a decent, good person .. will be on the patent support group, involved in school fairs/fund raising etc if not in a leadership role. Will cook for others when they are sick etc. however her lack of confidence and self awareness has an impact on her lack of intimacy. 

Not sure that makes sense... well I know what I mean!


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## Kiwipadgy (Oct 14, 2017)

Certainly not looking up force her to love me... 

... I think the next step is councelling to validate whether she actually means what she is saying. To better understand herself as her comments would imply she has no emotive needs... which means I'm really screwed!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Spinning your wheels until you waste the years and give up.

She's not confused. You are.
She doesn't want to give up her cozy life, but doesn't want to make love to you. It's nice to have a woman want you. Worth a lot.

Yes, your family is, too. Woman of you want your kids to stay in a relationship with no love?

File papers and shake things up. Let her know you can do without her or prepare to be treated even worse.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Kiwipadgy said:


> Certainly not looking up force her to love me...
> 
> ... I think the next step is councelling to validate whether she actually means what she is saying. To better understand herself as her comments would imply she has no emotive needs... which means I'm really screwed!


She means what she said, counseling won't change that. She has also rebuked the counseling idea and counseling has zero chance of helping unless both parties are willing to put forth effort and open to change. She is unwilling right now.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The only response that has any chance of working in this kind of situation is a strong one. But you seem pretty intent on responding weakly.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Her actions and words tell you but yet you don't want to believe it so you'll wallow in this.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Kiwipadgy said:


> Certainly not looking up force her to love me...
> 
> ... I think the next step is councelling to validate whether she actually means what she is saying. To better understand herself as her comments would imply she has no emotive needs... which means I'm really screwed!


Part of the problem is you think you are screwed without her, it keeps you trapped. Assuming you are not a jerk and a terrible husband if she doesn't love you I would sit her down and say "well since you don't love me I don't think there is much point to staying together." You can't make her love you. I get that you are afraid but are you going to stay with a women who doesn't love you because you are afraid. How about have hope that you can find someone who does. Get in shape and start to plan your life without her, (assuming she is not cheating, which to me is a risky assumption) bet she changes her tune. Then you have to decide you love her.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You obviously never been a strong male character or lost your way in marital confort (became lazy, weak). Nevertheless, when someone tells you something of this intimate nature in your face you must believe them at face value. You wife told you she's done with you, believe her and behave like a man and act accordingly, by letting her know with ACTIONS, not words that it is OK, and that you had already move on.

Be strong, keep your dignity and integrity as a man. Do not show her that you care, no matter if you're dying inside. Divorce.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Kiwi, 

Some marriage fall into what i call a Kabuki dance, each player performs there part, but neither performer actually touch the other, all well choreographed, beautiful to look at but leaves one empty of personal response. you marriage has fallen into that, and so you must make a decision because she is very content stay within this frame work of marriage, there is no downside to it from her perspective. You on the other hand wants to change up the dance, and you have a partner who has decided not to want that...so here are your choices, what you choose is really determined to how badly you want to make a change. 

1. accept the status quo until she or you die. Stop pining, stop complaining 
2. Tell her that you love her and want a sexual relationship and if it is not with her then you will look for someone else...but still stay married to her. 
3. divorce her, and move on with your life....every day you stay in this sexless and intimacy-less is one less day you could find someone who craves that intimacy as much as you. 
4. don't tell her and have an affair...not recommended but it has been tried and failed by others. 

but just continue complaining with no decision serves no purpose but makes you bitter.


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