# Wife having an affair with another women.



## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

Help.

I have just found out that my wife is having an affair with another women. I am absolutely devastated, I don't understand.

She doesn't know that I know yet, and she is currently staying with this other women.

This person has been a friend of hers for a few months and she had been spending alot of time with her, which I didn't think anything of because I wouldn't have expected this!

We have been going through problems the last few months, and we nearly split up 4 months ago. I managed to convince her to stick with our marriage and I fought for her. Things were great for a few months, but over the last few weeks that have been problematic.

Yesterday I confronted her and said that I wasn't happy in our relationship and I knew that she wasn't. I said that she had not done anything to try and save our marriage, other than plod on exactly as we were before. I was the one that did the changing, fighting for our marriage.

I gave her an ultimatum, unless she was willing to fight for us things were not going to work. This was in the car on the way to this "friend" as I was dropping her off. 

She wasn't prepared to put in any extra effort, so we agreed to call it a day. 

Well now I have this "new" information, and I know its true. It also explains her behaviour with her phone when texting this friend, like always hiding it and literally texting her every second of every day.

I now want to confront her, should I just go ahead straight away and say I know?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I would confront, but in a "break it to her gently" way. Of course, she will just deny it, but it doesn't sound like she just woke up and realized she was a lesbian, she may just be experimenting out of curiosity.


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## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

It was one of her friends who supplied me with the proof, and its proof I will use in divorce proceedings.

I dont hate her, but any part of me that thought a seperation might result in us getting back together is now gone, I would not want to.

I'm really worried for her more than anything, she is self destructing. One of her closest friends sees it this way.

She is not a lesbian, she is a girly girl and loves Robert Patterson. I think this is all part of her self distructivenes, and unfortunatelt I dont have the strength anymore to try and save our relationship.


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## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

mommy22 said:


> Are you absolutely postitive it is with this other woman? The reason I ask is I went through your old posts and you spoke at length about an old boyfriend. Here's a little inside scoop: I had a best friend ( a female) who covered for me in my adulterous relationship with a man. We went on girl's weekends and such. She had her own thing going with someone else that her husband knew nothing about. We kind of covered for each other.
> 
> You were sure she cut off all ties with her old boyfriend but is there a chance she has a secret cell phone (prepaid) which you know nothing about? Another email of facebook profile name? Cheaters are very sneaky. She's given you way too many reasons to question her in the past. The facebook messages from the ex-boyfriend were NOT deleted because she was worried about making you mad. I can assure you of that. She was hiding a relationship with him. When she cut him off temporarily she was able to put her head back in the marriage for a brief time. She has possibly had multiple affairs or keeps going back to the same man using different tactics to throw you off. You were on the trail before and she knows she almost got caught but lied her way out of it. SHe had to choose a more careful approach this go round.
> 
> Trust you gut. Investigate.


Unfortunately I am absolutely positive, it is physical evidence. I wouldn't have believed it prior to today.

Since she has been spending more time with this other friend, the obvious symptoms in out relationship started. She may of had previous relationships emotional or physical I don't know.

But I know I have had enough.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

englishguy80 said:


> She is not a lesbian, she is a girly girl and loves Robert Patterson. I think this is all part of her self distructivenes, and unfortunatelt I dont have the strength anymore to try and save our relationship.


Um, she is then what is called a lipstick lesbian.

Whatever you call her, she is cheating with a woman.


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## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

michzz said:


> Um, she is then what is called a lipstick lesbian.
> 
> Whatever you call her, she is cheating with a woman.


You are right, I suppose I am just trying to rationalise. 

I went out today to see friends, knowing that she was wanting to come by and pick some things up because she was "staying away for a few days", I text her to say I was going out. I also new about the affair at this point.

I have come back, expecting her to take everything of hers. But she has literally just picked up a few things, a couple of nights change of clothes,

There is also a teddy bear that I bought her when we were first going out and she sleeps with him all the time. She has taken him, which is suprising to say the least.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes confront her, but don't tell her, SHOW HER! I would give her a copy of the hard evidence and walk away. See she will deny it all and she will blame you and blah blah blah. why listen to her crap. Head over to her closet and pack her clothes. Then pack the rest of her things and either store them, take them to her parents, OW place...or something like that, any way get them out of the house.

This will send her a clear signal that you will not tolorate her behavior, and that you are serious. If you still feel like fighting you can always inform her that if she stops all contact with OW, then she can return home. It sound like your are beyond that so go ahead and show her that you are confident and strong enough to move on with out her.

Good luck and don't show weakness.


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## MissMoneypenny (Nov 22, 2010)

Where do you start with that one!

First of all, what is the purpose of your question? Do you wish to figure out what your next move is? Do you wish to get back with your wife? Why do you care what happens next in her life?

Of course, if the purpose is to find out if all this was the cause of your breakup then you should just ask. I think I would want to know if only just so that next time round I could spot the symptoms and might be able to do something about it etc. At least you would be learning from it. 

If the reason is so that you can try and dissuade your wife, then I wouldn't bother. It is not really your concern. You're splitting up. She obviously doesn't need your help... of course, what is disconcerting is the fact that you're accompanying her to see her lover  I'm not quite sure how I would feel about that myself... very hurt, used and a little sickened maybe?
I would still confront him/her and ask about it though... maybe it might help you in your quest?


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## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

MissMoneypenny said:


> Where do you start with that one!
> 
> First of all, what is the purpose of your question? Do you wish to figure out what your next move is? Do you wish to get back with your wife? Why do you care what happens next in her life?
> 
> ...


I dont know what the purpose of the question. 

I suppose a part of it was just to vent to somebody more than anything.

And you are right about the fact that I was dropping her off to the very person that she was cheating on me with, I feel betrayed, sick to the stomach and just hurt.

Im worried for her because I obviously still care for her, but I certainly do not want a reconcilliation. Being married we had a few very close mutual friends, since this has happened and I have told them about this they are going to disown her.

She is also very very close to my family, my mum and her were like best friends at times. She doesn't have a close relationship with any of her family. Outside of our mutual close friends she changes circles of friends frequently and doesn't have any other close friends.

My prediction is that this relationship will not last, and when it breaks down she will have no one. This was a conversation I had with one of our close mutual friends (female), and she said she was scared of exactly what I was. But she could not continue to have a friendship with my wife.

And then very nicely went on to say how wonderful I was, how I must NOT take this personally. That my wife doesn't appreciate what she had, and that I should not be worried about my future.
I really needed to hear that from someone, because finding this out has obviously made me very low.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sound like she will be scewed and doesn't care or doesn't know it. Its a shame she doesn't see the consequences of her actions. I bet it will make it real clear when she sees her stuff all packed up and no were to go.


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## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

the guy said:


> It sound like she will be scewed and doesn't care or doesn't know it. Its a shame she doesn't see the consequences of her actions. I bet it will make it real clear when she sees her stuff all packed up and no were to go.


You are right, and packing her stuff up is something I want to do.

But we are currently in rented accommodation with 4 months left on the tenancy, I can't afford to pay for all of the bills without some form of contribution from her. 

I see this as her fault, and she has a commitment to our home because we are both on the tenancy agreement. I am going to try and be amicable at first asking her to continue to pay half of the rent, while I pay for everything else during the last 4 months. 

I just also noticed that she has taken money from our joint account. We both have seperate accounts, and the joint account is the house account where all bills and rent comes out of. We both pay a set amount a month into the joint account to cover these bills.

Well the money she has taken out now means that everything cant be paid. I have taken the rest of the money out. 

I know why she has done this, she has always been awful with her money and its always been one of the problems with our relationship. Because this month emotionally has been tough for her, she has gone off the rails and now has no money / very little money. Previously when she was short I would lend her money with quite a few months I've said she doesnt have to pay me back.

If she does not agree to this then her things will be hand delivered by me to know where she is staying. And I will also make no secret about what she has done to anyone.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have a feeling you are going to get the short end of the stick on this rent thing. Face it she is not her self and my not clearly see how her end of the lease will effect her.

I suggest you start looking ahead with regards to the lease, go into the rental office and look into your options. Its worth the effort. Living 4 more month with her will be torture, get a lawyer and start moving forward.

She will tell you what ever you want to hear but at the end of the day you will be stuck with that lease.

So please protect your self, she already got away with some cash, hopefuly she won't get away with your self respect.

Remember be strong and confident, show no weakness, no begging.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Why not just tell her you know about the affair but you are not sure what you would like to do. Dont ask her to leave at this point. Now I know that that is dishonest but I think it is a justified deception. Not because she has deceived you but that her cheating and her financial dishonesty has destabilized your fininances through no fault of your own. Not being entirely honest is a survival stetagy. I must preface this by telling you that I can be creatively vindictive when crossed so, take my suggestion with that in mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

Im going to tell her that I know, I'm also going to at least try and get her to foot half the rent and this is without her moving back in.

And Catherine I will give your suggestions some thought.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What evidence do you have to show her? She most likely give you a line of BS, so be prepared.


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## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

I spoke to her on the phone, and I didn't need to tell her what physical evidence I had. She didn't deny anything, and admitted it all.

This was in between uncontrollable sobbing and she has been sick a few times. 

She is a train wreck at the moment, she admitted she didn't know what she was doing.

She thankfully is going to stay with a family member she was once very close too, so her "moving in" with this other women doesn't seem to be happening at the moment. 

I think she is having some form of breakdown, Ive been talking more and more about her behaviour to friends over the last 24 hours. The day before we broke up, she was acting what I can only describe as wierd. I should also mention my wife who is 27 was abused as a child, I helped her through councilling when we were younger as she still had issues. 

I think she needs help again, whether its related to her past I don't know but this is not the person I know. Because other friends have the exact same concerns kind of makes sense.

I regret not spotting something earlier, I was so fixated on resolving problems in our relationship rather than considering problems she was having mentally.

Its a shame so much damage has been done. I have so many mixed emotions at the moment, I love her, I want to protect her, but I am so hurt by what she has done that I can't get past it.


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## Fallon (Dec 23, 2010)

It's really hard, EnglishGuy... I don't if the fact that she had an affair with another woman makes it harder for you?

I think this is going to be a very delicate situation for both of you. If she is still struggling with trauma from her childhood, she is going to need a lot of support from you and loved ones, even though you are the one she's hurt the most through her actions. 

I agree with the advice that you shouldn't take decisions in anger. I changed my mind so many times over the past 9 months, that in itself is frustrating! Take as much time as you need, and think it through calmly and rationally (or as calmly and rationally as possible).

All I can say is that I wish you all the strength to get through this, and for you and your wife to come through this strong enough to continue a healthly, loving relationship.


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## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

Fallon said:


> It's really hard, EnglishGuy... I don't if the fact that she had an affair with another woman makes it harder for you?
> 
> I think this is going to be a very delicate situation for both of you. If she is still struggling with trauma from her childhood, she is going to need a lot of support from you and loved ones, even though you are the one she's hurt the most through her actions.
> 
> ...


Thank you.

The fact that she has had an affair is what makes it harder, I actually think I would be feeling worse if it was a man rather than a women. It kind of makes sense especially with her general behaviour.


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## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

This just says something about my current state of mind. There was a lesbian couple on dwal or no deal today, and I found myself hating them!

I wouldnt have blinked an eye lid before.


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## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

Just had a talk with my wife, and I am going to be filing for divorce this week.

She isn't even truely remorseful for what she has done. She still plans to have a relationship with this other women, based on that I'm done. 

I'm only 30 and have the rest of my life to look forward to, and find someone who truely appreciates me.

She said that Kat was not the reason why our marriage ended, which is complete rubbish. She wouldn't accept that by her starting another relationship during our marriage it took away any possibility of us sorting our problems out. 

And the problem is her, I have put up with so much crap always putting her on this pedal stool ignoring her faults.

I changed for her when we initially had problems back in August, when everyone close to me was telling me that it wasn't me that needed to change.

Well here is to the rest of my life. 

Sorry for the rant.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sorry it ended like this. Go easy, bro.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

To be fair to your wife... If she is attracted to women and not men, there's really not much to work out... And if it wasn't this woman, it likely would have happened eventually anyway. At least, that's my guess.

But I too am sorry to hear it ended like that.

C


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