# Recently separated and having a tough time



## brokenflowers08 (Sep 11, 2014)

My husband asked for a separation a few months ago and I felt blindsided. We had lived together about 2 yrs and married less than a yr. Our relationship was great at first. But I never had much luck with men so I always assumed the worst in the back of my mind. I have trust issues that really put a strain on our relationship. I'm also a shy person so I had trouble opening up to him even though I love him very much. He also thinks I drink too much sometimes or act immature. He said he just couldn't take it anymore. I have a tendency to sabotage good things because I either think I don't deserve them or they will go away. But he is by far the best person I have ever been with. And while he hasn't said he wants a divorce yet, I'm afraid I'm losing him. We have kept in touch but when we tried to hang out once, it ended with me crying. We also started marriage counseling but he said he is not 100% and can't promise anything about getting back together. He is not convinced anything will change or that I will change for the better. I'm trying to come across as a more confident and secure person. I have also stopped drinking. I'm not sure what to do or how to act to get him back. It's confusing because he says he still cares about me and loves me. I hate to give up so early on in the marriage. Should I just back off for awhile? Or try to reestablish a good friendship first? Anyone been through a separation and made it through where you ended up back together?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Rather than starting with marriage counselling, have you looked into individual counselling? That would demonstrate that you're taking your side of the issues seriously. 

C


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## brokenflowers08 (Sep 11, 2014)

Yes, forgot to mention that I am also going to individual counseling for my issues.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

It seems you are taking already the proper steps to improve yourself, leaving the alcohol, going to IC.

I would advice you to begin to exercise as rutine, Jog, go to the gym, swim, bike whatever you choose is good, improving yourself physically also helps you with your self image and confidence, also the endorphines that periodically began go throught your boddy once that exercise becomes part of your way of life (2 months or more of constant exercise) helps you to feel better.

as question about your problem, has he directly pointed what are the situations tha he can not handdle anymore? it would be good for many people here with experience to hear if those points sounds like valid reasons or excuses.


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## brokenflowers08 (Sep 11, 2014)

The things he has a problem with are those three I mentioned. More communication, more trust and less over drinking. All of which I'm working on. He said he just wants to be alone right now. We agreed neither of us would date others during the separation. I'm in limbo.


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## brokenflowers08 (Sep 11, 2014)

I'm so confused. Every time I make an effort, he pushes me away. But then, when I agree to give him more space, he gets upset when he doesn't hear from me. He can't have it both ways. First he said he isn't changing his mind and doesn't even want to be friends. He wanted to cancel counseling. Now, he says he feels bad and is asking if I need to talk. He will go to counseling if I really want him to. But why should I make him go if he doesn't want to? Is he just doing this to make himself feel better? 

I told him I don't want his pity and I will be fine. It sounds strange, but if he really wants to end the relationship, he has to stop being so nice because it give me the wrong idea. If he wants to work at it great. But if he doesn't he needs to stop acting this way and just let me go. I have plenty of friends already. I don't need him for that. At least not right now. Why is he doing this?


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Glad you're getting counseling and laying off the booze. Keep it up.

Next step is you must rule out if he is seeing another woman. His behavior toward you reeks of cake eating which is a specific behavior exhibited by many cheaters.

Hint: don't let him know you suspect another woman.


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## brokenflowers08 (Sep 11, 2014)

Yes, I'm starting to think he is having either an emotional or physical affair with someone else. When I do see him he simply hugs like friend. He even told me to date, like he felt guilty. We have a counseling session soon. I told him we should cancel and I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him anymore, he freaked. I just don't want to drag this on if he's not really willing to work at it. How can I trust a guy who just runs away from problems?


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## angel kate (Sep 13, 2014)

I would advice you to begin to exercise as rutine, Jog, go to the gym, swim, bike whatever you choose is good, improving yourself physically also helps you with your self image and confidence, also the endorphines that periodically began go throught your boddy


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Sounds to me as though he has problems, but for whatever reason he would rather focus on your issues instead of his. It also sounds as though he does not really know what he wants regards your relationship.

To me it sounds as though you are better off without him. You are in IC which is wonderful. You continue to work on yourself and eventually you will meet a man who will love you as much as you will love him.

You will be okay, it will just take time.


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

Brokenflowers - your H does sound a bit confusing as I read your thread. It sounds like he's interested in you, then he's not, then he is. If I were you, go NC. Who cares what HE is feeling. Focus on what you are feeling and doing. Stay busy, that is always a plus in these situations. Also, take good care of your physical self and emotional self too. I'm happy to hear you are in IC. That's a great start. There is really nothing at this time that anyone can tell you that will make you feel better. Time is the only thing that will take you to a better place emotionally. 

I have been separated for over 6 months now and I can tell you, it gets better!  So many things can happen within the next few days, weeks, and months. So don't try to hurry this up to get a resolution or closure. This stuff is such a process and you have to go through it unfortunately. Read some Leslie Cane articles on the internet. I would go on her website everyday. Reading some of her articles may help you. 

Hang in there girl and be strong. You are much stronger than you think. Read my thread, Recently separated but not by choice ( I don't know how to insert it on here?). I thought I was going to DIE when my H left but I'm still here, alive and doing great! And he left me with a 5 1/2 month old too to top it off. 

So just take it one day at a time and just thank the stars you made it another day living this unkind situation you are experiencing.


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## brokenflowers08 (Sep 11, 2014)

Thank you for the encouragement. Our counseling session yesterday went better than the last. We both have issues, and I'm definitely working on mine. That's all I can do. You're right though. These things take time. So while I shouldn't let it go on forever, I probably shouldn't rush a resolution. He rushed me to move in together and then I rushed him to marry. But we still love each other, it's tough. We're going to try and talk more. But yes, I'm trying to keep busy and happy so that no matter what happens I'll be fine.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I have trust issues that really put a strain on our relationship. I'm also a shy person so I had trouble opening up to him even though I love him very much. He also thinks I drink too much sometimes or act immature. He said he just couldn't take it anymore. *I have a tendency to sabotage good things because I either think I don't deserve them or they will go away.*


These are serious issues dear. The bold part is actually a hallmark of quite a few personality disorders. I don't think counseling is enough. A psychologist is your best bet.

Your worry should not be what your husband does or how your marriage ends up. Your #1 priority should be to identify, control and eventually iron-out these issues (specially the bold part) as not doing so would mean a lifetime of doomed relationships.

Please love yourself a lot more so you find the motivation to fix these. That's your only option.

As for your husband, let him go for now. You need to do this alone. It's time you owe yourself and your inner-child is desperately crying for your attention. You've neglected her for too long.


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## brokenflowers08 (Sep 11, 2014)

Thanks. Yes, I understand it's not healthy to think that way. Believe me, I don't want to. It comes from childhood and watching my parents fight and then my dad leaving for awhile. I'm feeling more confident and happy with myself now than I did when H first left me. I've started to excercise more and hangout with friends. Life is too short to be miserable. I just don't like how he focuses on all the bad things I've done as if there is something wrong with me and then makes himself out to look like the victim. We're supposed to be partners. He's supposed to be there for me and stand by me, even at my worst or he surely doesn't deserve to have me in his life at my best.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

brokenflowers08 said:


> Thanks. Yes, I understand it's not healthy to think that way. Believe me, I don't want to. It comes from childhood and watching my parents fight and then my dad leaving for awhile. I'm feeling more confident and happy with myself now than I did when H first left me. I've started to excercise more and hangout with friends. Life is too short to be miserable. I just don't like how he focuses on all the bad things I've done as if there is something wrong with me and then makes himself out to look like the victim. We're supposed to be partners. He's supposed to be there for me and stand by me, even at my worst or he surely doesn't deserve to have me in his life at my best.


I understand you wanting to remind him of his vows, but reality works a lot different. If you indeed find faults with yourself, then as your husband, he sure is a victim of those faults. Just like you're a victim of his faults. 

One of the worst things you can do to sabotage your self-awareness and growth is to take a tit-for-tat approach and consider this a 50/50 thing. That's why I suggested you let go of your husband and consider these issues 100% as yours. 

Also, if you really think you have a tendency to sabotage good things, what option are you giving your husband then? What exactly is he supposed to do? Help you NOT sabotage good things? He can't. No one can. No one except you.

So you think your husband doesn't deserve you at your best? Fine. What about you? Do YOU deserve you at your best? How are you planning to be at your best when this huge elephant of childhood issues is roaming around in the room?


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## brokenflowers08 (Sep 11, 2014)

Yeah these days people don't take marriage seriously. I thought marriage was 50/50? It's give and take. As for my issues, I've already addressed them in counseling. That's how I was in the past. I've learned a lot while separated. It's not fair for him to put it all on me when he has done things to upset me also. That's all I'm saying. If he doesn't appreciate me or care to see the progress I've made, then I don't know what else to do but move on. I feel like his commitment issues are the real reason he left and he's just making all these excuses to blame me. He never wanted to get married.


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## vn1955 (Jun 30, 2014)

I understand your concerns. My husband and I are separated also and it's the most difficult trial of my life. Just to give you some perspective, I found that he was emotionally having an affair with another woman. Because of this, he focused on my imperfections to justify his affair. None of us are perfect, but don't put too much guilt on yourself. You're already working on your issues, but what is he working on to improve the relationship. It sounds like he's confused, and something/someone is causing him to be confused. Give him space, and keep working on yourself. He'll notice the changes.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

Broken flowers-reading through all this, seems to me like you definitely suffer from some self-esteem issues.
Keep on the positive path your on, it will lead to self-discovery and ultimately fulfillment whether this relationship continues or not.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

BrokenFlowers08, I don't see it mentioned in the thread so far, but i'd suggest you implement the 180 plan. It's not a fix for the relationship, but a way of moving forward from it while leaving a door open.


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## brokenflowers08 (Sep 11, 2014)

Yes, I have struggled with self esteem and I realize now that you can't truly love anyone unless you love yourself first. I've been getting to know myself better. I have heard of the 180 and I started trying it. It's really helped me feel better and more confident. Shortly after, he changed his mind and said he wants to keep working it out. He even showed up one day at my apt out of the blue to talk. Seems like a good sign, we'll see.


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## brokenflowers08 (Sep 11, 2014)

UPDATE: New dilemma to my story. My husband accepted a new job out of town, about an hr and a half away. He applied months back before we separated but it took awhile for anything to open up. This is his dream job. So now things are complicated. I don't know what to do. He asked if I would consider moving there. He also said he would feel bad if I moved and then things didn't work out with us. I feel like things between us had been improving lately. But it's a big change. I would have to break my apartment lease(have eight months left) and find a new job. He is breaking his also until he finds a new place. But at this stage we are going to our last counseling appointment Monday since we obviously won't be able to anymore once he moves. We are still trying to work on getting back together but this only makes it harder now. Any advice please?? Should I go?


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Does he tell you he loves you enough to stay?

If not...


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## brokenflowers08 (Sep 11, 2014)

He is taking the job but asked if I would move, too. If you mean is he still willing to stay in the relationship and try, he says yes. Of course, there is no guarantee it will work, it's just about taking a leap of faith or not.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

If it was me in your situation, i'd consider NOT going with him.

While it (from what you've written) appears that things are going better, i'd be cautious about making a major decision like moving back in together. As you say, it's a big change, and you are both only, it seems, starting to make progress with each other. Moving to a new location puts a lot of pressure on a relationship, i think you BOTH have to put serious thought into whether it will a good move yet. He's already aware of the possible danger and has expressed that, which is a positive thing.

It's only an hour and a half away. Some physical distance may actually be a good thing. Him 'showing up on your doorstep' is a boundary issue, and one you should have already considered and addressed. Review the 180 plan, adapt as required, but understand it's fundamentals. 

You already a working separation in place, ie; separate spaces, apartments. You've 'only' got 8 months left on the lease. More than enough time to continue working on you, and for him to move, get established in a new job in a new location (NOT an easy thing, I've done it), and hopefully getting into his own counselling there, without the extra pressure of repairing a marriage.

But if this is the route you decide to take, sit him down, face to face, explain calmly and confidently your decision, and the reasons behind it. He already appears to understand the risk, and so should hopefully understand it, and perhaps even respect you more for making a tough decision.


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## brokenflowers08 (Sep 11, 2014)

Day One, thanks for your advice! Turns out he is really leaving me now. I think he sees this moving to another city as HIS fresh start not OURS. I asked him point blank if he wanted me to go and he said no. But that is what I needed, a wake up call. You were right this is major life decision so I'm sort of glad he didn't ask me to go because the relationship is too far gone and I have had time to realize he isn't right for me. I need to be happy. So, going through a separation has been updated to going through a divorce. I'll be ok though.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

oof! 

While i'm sorry for you that it came to this, I think (based on the info provided) that is the right choice.

But...NOW is the time to focus on you. Go 180 on him. Use the time and space to clear your head, decide what YOU want to do, and GO FOR IT! 

Move on, regret nothing, heal. Find your strength and scream, "I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!" 

It's going to SUCK for a while, not going to lie. But handled correctly, with the help of those around you (and us here on TAM), you will come out of it a stronger, prouder woman.


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## Lynnie1981 (Nov 9, 2014)

I am so sorry this is going on with you. I too am going through a lot with my husband as well. I'm trying to be strong, but it's hard to move on especially when you love someone so much.


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