# There's nothing I can do...



## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

I'm scared..I know he's going to leave. Why shouldn't he? He gave me every chance, every opportunity. He knows the truth now, but its too late. I should have just came out and told him everything, instead I dragged it out. Its so much easier to tell the truth then to lie. Actually its easier to be faithful. I shouldve been faithful. 
Babe if you read this, just know that I love you with every fiber of my being, you are my world, my life, you have my heart always. I know I messed up, I've been a fool. I can't express how sorry I am, how much I hate myself. I want to thank you, thank you for loving me. Loving me with all your heart. Our lives together have been the greatest years of my life, not matter the hardships. You've stuck with me when I got really sick, through hell and the greater depths of hell with my betrayal. Thank you for everything babe, I love you!


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wingsoflove

I do wish you well and that things work out, but I will say that it sounds at the moment like he views talk as cheap and what he needs are actions. 

you've taken part of his soul and killed it. You need to heal his soul through your actions. It's going to be very very hard, and likely filled with pain for you. 

Perhaps after you've walked the path of remorse truly, he will come around?


----------



## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

I want to heal his soul, I will do anything I can! I'm pretty sure he's done with me though. Like I said I don't blame him. I am trying to be optimistic but its fading...


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Shaggy's right about your actions being more important to your husband than any words of remorse you can muster.

Are you going to IC (individual counseling)? If you aren't then you should seriously consider going.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Wingsoflove said:


> I want to heal his soul, I will do anything I can! I'm pretty sure he's done with me though. Like I said I don't blame him. I am trying to be optimistic but its fading...


At this point, maybe the best thing you can do is let him go. Maybe he can heal enough to come back but you have to face the cold hard truth that he won't be coming back ever.


----------



## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

No I'm not going to a IC, I really need to go back. I keep thinking that it is the best thing to do is to just let him go. Its just so hard. Then I think of the pain I've put him through. Thanks guys for your input


----------



## howcouldshe (Jul 18, 2011)

If you really want to keep him then you need to pull out all the stops and show him with everything that you have got how sorry you are and that it will never happen again. You need to hear from him what he needs to be able to heal and move forward. At the very least you have to ask him if he is willing to try and make it work. If he does not want to make it work then you are out of luck, I hope for you sake he wants to make it work but again you have to show him in ACTIONS that you will make it work.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Journal.

Whatever you want to tell him, write it in a book, online, on the computer or wherever.

It will release what you want to tell him, without bothering him with your pitiful self (no offense).

I do this. I write letters to my husband and save them on the computer. It really helps.


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Wingsoflove said:


> I want to heal his soul, I will do anything I can! I'm pretty sure he's done with me though. Like I said I don't blame him. I am trying to be optimistic but its fading...



Wings,

You can't heal him. He has to do that himself. You have placed a ton of stuff on his shoulders. Let him think, show him support though actions and remain completely transparent.

best wishes,

GM


----------



## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

It will release what you want to tell him, without bothering him with your pitiful self (no offense).

None taking! I do have a journal and I'm actually writing him a letter too. 

You're right GM, I do need to give him more time to think everything through. The big D is weighing the scale...


----------



## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> You can't heal him. He has to do that himself. You have placed a ton of stuff on his shoulders. Let him think, show him support though actions and remain completely transparent.


I agree with GM - you cannot heal him. Everyone is different and deals with things differently. This is huge and you've broken him apart, not something you can just pick up the pieces and glue back together....give him whatever HE needs or ASKS for. I have asked for answers, and haven't gotten them. It hurts over and over again!

GIVE HIM SPACE!

Lily


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> At this point, maybe the best thing you can do is let him go.


I agree. 

If he wants out, respect his decision. Not everyone can recover from infidelity enough to reconcile and in some ways, I don't think anybody ever fully "recovers" from it. Sure, time heals but the scar is always there as a daily reminder.

It causes irrepairable damage. 

If you've already expressed to him how you feel, then that is all you can do. 

The ball is in his court.


----------



## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Wings, Follow the same list every loyal spuse wants from the wayward. Actions speak louder than words and these actions need to show him you are done with the A and want to rebuild his confidence, safety and trust. Send him all your email, face book and phone account user ids and passwords - same for naything you used in the affair. Tell him you will explain and answer any questions he might have. Tell him you are going to IC to try and learn why you did this and learn how to prevent it from ever happening again - and make that appointment now. Write a no **** no contact letter - there are examples on this site and send it to him to mail registered return receipt mail. Make it very clear, you are never going back. Tell him you want to go to MC with him. Don't give up - put actions behind your words and fight for him.


----------



## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

Lily_B said:


> I agree with GM - you cannot heal him. Everyone is different and deals with things differently. This is huge and you've broken him apart, not something you can just pick up the pieces and glue back together....give him whatever HE needs or ASKS for. I have asked for answers, and haven't gotten them. It hurts over and over again!
> 
> GIVE HIM SPACE!
> 
> Lily


I know I can't heal him, but I want to help him heal. I want to work together to do that.


----------



## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Wings, Follow the same list every loyal spuse wants from the wayward. Actions speak louder than words and these actions need to show him you are done with the A and want to rebuild his confidence, safety and trust. Send him all your email, face book and phone account user ids and passwords - same for naything you used in the affair. Tell him you will explain and answer any questions he might have. Tell him you are going to IC to try and learn why you did this and learn how to prevent it from ever happening again - and make that appointment now. Write a no **** no contact letter - there are examples on this site and send it to him to mail registered return receipt mail. Make it very clear, you are never going back. Tell him you want to go to MC with him. Don't give up - put actions behind your words and fight for him.


I have done all of these. I'm in the middle of writing a letter to him. How do you find these examples on here? I want to put actions behind my words, but since we're not living together I don't know how to go about things.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Wingsoflove said:


> I have done all of these. I'm in the middle of writing a letter to him. How do you find these examples on here? I want to put actions behind my words, but since we're not living together I don't know how to go about things.


Please realize that when you love someone who has betrayed you, there are two forces inside of you that are fighting for control, fight and flight. Your husband has been experiencing this since dday and his leaving you means that 'flight' has gotten the upper hand - for the moment anyway. He will most probably contact you in the near future to work out some details regarding separation and/or divorce and this will give you an opportunity to express your sincere desire of letting him go in order to find peace and happiness. Planting the seed of doubt in his decision to end the marriage, MAY just give 'fight' the necessary second wind to overcome 'flight' and triumph.


----------



## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

you might want to think that he won't be able to get over this some people never could 

Actually I never known people can get over this till I saw some Hollywood movies and infidelity forums where I live affair ends everything in about 5 min with really disaster consequences for the cheater till the rest of his/her life


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sam83 said:


> you might want to think that he won't be able to get over this some people never could
> 
> Actually I never known people can get over this


An affair/being cheated on isn't something people ever "get over." 

Some people get "through" it but it's not anything that you "get over." No way.

That is why it's called "the ultimate betrayal." Because it really and truly is.


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Your thread appears to be appropriately titled. At this point, there probably is nothing you can do. Nothing that will give immediate results, at least. The hardest part is the trust. In my case, there were many times my wife told me it was over and cried big tears, etc. Only to find out each time there was still contact. IF it had been a situation where it was once and done, it would have been much easier to restore the trust. Since she broke that trust so many times, I don't think it could ever be restored.

It looks like you have done much the same. Trickle truth, as it's called here. I believe the wayward spouse often actually believes they are doing the loyal spouse a favor in doing this. They are trying to spare the loyal spouse from unneeded pain. However, the pain of finding out more after you thought you knew it all is much worse, in my opinion.

You seem to show true remorse. That is certainly a good sign. I suggest you work on yourself, probably with an IC, to find the root of the issues of why you did it. Then fix the root of those issues. Possibly, if you do this and explain it to your husband as you work on the issues, he will decide to reconcile at some point. If not, you still need to work on those things so your next relationship doesn't end up the same way.

At this point, he is hurting very badly. The pain is impossible to describe if you have never been through it. Words are just words. I suspect he heard those words many times, as I did. Actions take time to show through. Be consistent and work on yourself. That would be your best shot at ever achieving the reconciliation you now are striving for.


----------



## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> An affair/being cheated on isn't something people ever "get over."
> 
> Some people get "through" it but it's not anything that you "get over." No way.
> 
> That is why it's called "the ultimate betrayal." Because it really and truly is.


what I meant by get over is the ability to see the cheater again not to mention stay marry with or even being friends 

deal breaker in the worst way u can imagine with high risk of using violence also


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah I know what you were saying & agree with you. I just wanted to add to it.


----------



## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

One thing that all waywards say when they get caught is the "I love you, your my everything. I love my husband/wife, i don't want to lose them", etc...

The problem is that a wayward learns to lie very effectively and the BS realizes that so words no longer are anything a BS can trust. 

Words alone will not fix the problem. Each compliment is treated as a manipulation, each denial is a lie, each apology is a shallow token. 

With time, words can regain meaning but only after ACTIONS have repaired the damage to the point the wayward can then begin to turn the tide, and then... only if the BS has not completely given up. A good, wonderful, honest, loving spouse will only give so many 2nrd chances before they commit (As they did to the marriage) to moving on for the better of themselves and their children.

Q~


----------



## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

MrQuatto said:


> One thing that all waywards say when they get caught is the "I love you, your my everything. I love my husband/wife, i don't want to lose them", etc...
> 
> *The problem is that a wayward learns to lie very effectively and the BS realizes that so words no longer are anything a BS can trust. *
> Words alone will not fix the problem. Each compliment is treated as a manipulation, each denial is a lie, each apology is a shallow token.
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> An affair/being cheated on isn't something people ever "get over."
> 
> Some people get "through" it but it's not anything that you "get over." No way.
> 
> That is why it's called "the ultimate betrayal." Because it really and truly is.


I don't know? I think this depends on how you define "getting over it "

If "getting over it" means:

1. I don't think about it anymore
2. I don't hold a grudge against my wife
3. I am a stronger, more complete,better father, more loving 
husband now.
4. Images of the act don't invade my mind anymore.
5. I trust my wife completely 100% all of the time
6. We work together as a team for each other and the marriage
7. We are best friends
8. The past no longer holds us back, but pushes us forward
9. The people we allow in or inner circle build us up instead of bringing us down.
10. We are happier than ever.

Then I would say I "got over it"

If "getting over it" means:

Completely wiping it from your memory, then no, you never really get over it.


best wishes,

GM


----------



## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

I know that he wont forget, but I hope he will forgive. I hope we both can grow stronger from this, I hope we can grow stronger together. 

Thanks for everyones input


----------

