# Need Advice for my troubled marriage!



## sxybutterfly21 (Nov 16, 2011)

Hello all, this might be very long so im sorry in advance. 
So this is my life, ive been married to my husband almost 13 years and together we have 3 children and I have one from a previous relationship but my daughter only knows my husband as her only father. Since the last 6 or 7 years there has been lots of lying mainly on my husbands part, infedility on my part and his, emotional and physical abuse on mainly his part and then eventually ended up on my part too. We no longer are physical to each other for about a year noq and I am not afraid for my life. I do feel safe for myself and our kids. But I have been through so much pain and suffering, its crazy that I even put up with this much, it isnt me to let someone walk all over me and hurt me they way my husband has hurt me. He always lies about every little thing and years ago i would tell him that he doesnt have to lie to me, i love having a open and honest marriage. I am very honest, sometimes im a little too honest. So I had always told my husband that I very dislike ( trying not to use th e word hate) liars. And well I married one, it seems he just cant stop lying, he lies about little things he lies about big things and it hurst me soo much, I just dont know what to do anymore, that is just his personality, i guess, i dont know really. All this time, i though we can fix this which I tend to be the only always trying to fix our marriage or trying to find ways to make it better by reading books, talking and listeing to each other, I am a pretty good listener, and I always try to understand the other persons reasons, ive always been that way. But because of everything I have become some a different person, I no longer see me anymore. I am everything I always said i didnt want to be and I dislike that very much, its very hurtful. Sometimes I think why did my husband make me like this and at times i tell myself why did i let me husband do this to me. I dont know what to do anymore, about a year ago we decided look we gotta fix our marriage cause if we dont we will be heading to a divorce. So we had been working hard towards our marriage until one day i saw that he was chatting inappropriately with a friend from high school. And it hurt me deeply, because I thought everything was going great, and we would have talks and he would tell me that he was happy where we were at and I would ask occasionally if there was anything that he wanted to tell me that i didnt know, and he always said no there is nothing i promise you i havent done anything wrong that you wouldnt approve. That really really hit someting inside of me, i said i was done, i told him that i had found out. I had proof and showed him what I knew and he was upset and apologizing to me and i just felt betrayed all over again. Of course like always he convinced me to stay and I did especially for our children. I just dont know what to do anymore, I dont trust him with anything what so ever. There is no trust, I dont know how to feel anymore, I love him with all my heart and always will but I am still not in love with him. There are other reason for that like our sex, no romance, he is always tired and sleepy doesnt help around the house sometimes doesnt help with the kids. But really he is a great man underneath all the hurt he has put me through. Im just tired and now I keep telling him we need to go to counseling and he needs to make an appointment for his anger and he hasnt done that and its been 4 months already. What kind of advice can you all give me. I just called and made an appointment for us for next week and im so nervous and scared on what they will tell us. I know we need help


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Wow...

First off you are in a totally dysfunctional marriage. You both messed up bad based on what you wrote.

One of you had to take a DEEP look in the mirror and decide to do the right thing always from now on.

By doing this eventually the other may follow.

Good luck.


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## sxybutterfly21 (Nov 16, 2011)

Thanks, and yes I have been the one to look in the mirror and decide it is time to do something about this and I have been trying to do the right thing, but my husband never follows and I usually tend to just give up..... But I am trying hard to do the right thing here, thanks again.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

sxybutterfly21 said:


> Thanks, and yes I have been the one to look in the mirror and decide it is time to do something about this and I have been trying to do the right thing, but my husband never follows and I usually tend to just give up..... But I am trying hard to do the right thing here, thanks again.


The point is keep on the path of ALWAYS doing the right thing for your spouse REGARDLESS of what they do back.

it takes TIME and CONSISTENCY to affect change. Plan on 6mo-2 years.

Let your spouse eventually decide to come up to your level.
They will eventually want to reciprocate!

If you get to the end of your rope (Ok with or without them)... Give them a REALITY CHECK and a date.

Good Luck.

No quick fix... be patient! Don't give up!!!!
My marriage took two years of this.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You also have to improve yourself. Get back to the self you loved... she's still in there somewhere! You can't say "he made me like this", YOU have to own your stuff. Be the best YOU that you can be. Show your children a strong woman.... they need to see that. If you are staying for the kids, then make it worth it. Get strong, independent, and able to walk away if you have to.


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## Lily24 (Nov 19, 2011)

Hi,
It does not seem like he is as interested in working on your marriage. It almost seems like he just does not take you seriously. It sucks but sometimes people hurt the people they care about most just because they are so comfortable in that relationship and want some change, no matter how much that "change" can harm a family or relationship. It sounds to me like both of you felt that way at one point in your relationship.Also sounds like you are ready and almost longing for just a comfortable relationship again. I am not quite sure your husband is at the same place yet. It is important for you to remember why you are in that relationship to begin with. Maybe write a list of the things that you love about your husband and want in your relationship. And have him do the same. Also, maybe make a list of things you are not happy with and have him do the same..sometimes writing it down helps a little, not a lot, but a little..

Good luck with this


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Lily24 said:


> Hi,
> It does not seem like he is as interested in working on your marriage. It almost seems like he just does not take you seriously. It sucks but sometimes people hurt the people they care about most just because they are so comfortable in that relationship and want some change, no matter how much that "change" can harm a family or relationship. It sounds to me like both of you felt that way at one point in your relationship.Also sounds like you are ready and almost longing for just a comfortable relationship again. I am not quite sure your husband is at the same place yet. It is important for you to remember why you are in that relationship to begin with. Maybe write a list of the things that you love about your husband and want in your relationship. And have him do the same. Also, maybe make a list of things you are not happy with and have him do the same..sometimes writing it down helps a little, not a lot, but a little..
> 
> Good luck with this


Writing is a GREAT way to cope and focus your thoughts. There were times I'd write my wife a letter everyday... she never read most of them as they were for me. They'd focus my thoughts and process what I wanted. Write letters they help... just don't send most of them.


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