# Approached bye OM brother



## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

Im a security guard at a major company i see new faces everyday. However I never expected a face from a horrible pass to show up here. Its been 2 years since the wife had her PA and i thought i had forgiven and forgot but after today im not so sure. 

A temp service has been sending in part time employee's daily each has to sign in with the guard (me). Today i signed in a name a knew the OM brother from 2 years ago. I recognized the name but didn't say anything when I went to wave him though after signing in he stopped and asked me where he knew me from. Avoiding the confrontation I told him he needed to move on to let others though. 

Later on when employee's where returning from lunch he stopped again this time laughing, he stopped and told me "now i remember you your that poor fool who's married to that W**** my brother was F*****" then sped off laughing....

I reported the behavior to the head of the temp service and was insured it would be handled. Im good friends with the head of the temp service so i'm sure he will find the guy work elsewhere to avoid allowing him back out here. But right now i cant described the feeling i have, parts of me wants to march into the plant find the prick and push his head under a press....But that would just toss out all my progress with my anger issues, and i'm quite happy with my job and freedom...

I know when i get home I'm still gonna have this pain, and anger building in me. My wife will see it she will know somethings up and i know she's gonna ask me whats wrong. What do i say? Your PA from 2 years ago i forgave you for came back and slapped me in the face? I know just telling her Bad day at work wont cut it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why not tell her the truth? It probably wouldn't hurt for her to understand that the implications of what she's done are still affecting you.

C


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You absolutely tell her, and you repeat word for word what the guy said.

It's part of her heavy lifting post affair to face this stuff and your feelings that come from it.

And her feelings of exactly how the OMs family see her and you.


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## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

- I'm so sorry for what you've been through (pa , om's brother incident)
- no matter what people says , I tell you you handled it better than most.
- he did say those things because he wanted to get a reaction from you. he is a part time employee but you are a full time employee. if both of you got fired because of anything between you two, your loss would be greater.
- from his reaction I can tell you he is immature. he has self-image , low confidence issue. he is trying project this to you. make you worst than himself so he could feel good about himself. he is going to end up some place bad for this. 
- I'm a religious man. I believe in after life (in heaven and hell). let me say to you I am certain they will pay for their wrong doings. they are already lost the game , they just didn't see the Game Over : You've Lost message yet.
- if he tried to bother you again , use a VAR and handle this through your superior in job (HR , ....)
- if I were you I would let my wife know what om's brother said. it's good for her to know that result of her stupid choice still continues on.

Good luck


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

The hardest part is after 2 years she still hasnt come fully clean about the PA. She admits to having sex with the guy but claims he forced himself on her after she let a EA go too far, Ive studied rape and some of the symptoms are there like for instant a complete change in behavior since the incident 2 years ago she will not hardly talk to another man unless i'm around this is a change for someone who use to flirt ALOT!!!! But there are also holes in the story that I never worked to fill in, like a random knife that got tossed into the story months after she first told me "what happened". 

And now this guy, this THUG!!!! for lack of a better word makes it sound as if what i have thought was a one time thing was actually a relationship that had been going on for awhile.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

akasephiroth said:


> The hardest part is after 2 years she still hasnt come fully clean about the PA. She admits to having sex with the guy but claims he forced himself on her after she let a EA go too far, Ive studied rape and some of the symptoms are there like for instant a complete change in behavior since the incident 2 years ago she will not hardly talk to another man unless i'm around this is a change for someone who use to flirt ALOT!!!! But there are also holes in the story that I never worked to fill in, like a random knife that got tossed into the story months after she first told me "what happened".
> 
> And now this guy, this THUG!!!! for lack of a better word makes it sound as if what i have thought was a one time thing was actually a relationship that had been going on for awhile.


So dealing with it for you was sweeping things under the rug and hoping it goes away?

What difference does it make if she didn't confess to all the details, as far as this incident goes? 

C


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

akasephiroth said:


> What do i say? Your PA from 2 years ago i forgave you for came back and slapped me in the face?


Absolutely I would tell her this, except change it a little. I would shorten it to say your PA came back and slapped me in the face today. In my way of thinking, the "I forgave you for" and the "2 years ago" is just too conciliatory. 2 years may seem like a long time, but in BS years, it's not.

It's a major trigger for you and she needs to hear all the details. I believe that sometimes a WS needs to be reminded of the fact that some of their deserved consequences don't have an expiration date. 

I don't tell you this in theory, but in practice. I'm also two years out. 2 weeks ago I ran into the POSOM at the store for the first time since before Dday. When I got home I laid out all the details to my wife. She didn't tell me that I need to get past this, she didn't tell me don't let it bother you. She was empathetic. If your wife is still remorseful, she will be too.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

akasephiroth said:


> The hardest part is after 2 years she still hasnt come fully clean about the PA. She admits to having sex with the guy but claims he forced himself on her after she let a EA go too far, Ive studied rape and some of the symptoms are there like for instant a complete change in behavior since the incident 2 years ago she will not hardly talk to another man unless i'm around this is a change for someone who use to flirt ALOT!!!! But there are also holes in the story that I never worked to fill in, like a random knife that got tossed into the story months after she first told me "what happened".
> 
> And now this guy, this THUG!!!! for lack of a better word makes it sound as if what i have thought was a one time thing was actually a relationship that had been going on for awhile.


Evidently, your wife has not told you everything. Looks like you need to get to the bottom of this. If fact, you may want to embellish the exchange a little bit to say that the OM's brother told you that your wife has been sleeping with the OM for some time.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Tell her!


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

Yeah i swept the old PA under the rug and moved on, but it came back from under the rug with this.

I guess in my mind although I see the PA for what it really was part of me still wants to believe this was a rape and I'm protecting a rape victim.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

A big part of your problem is that your wife still continues to lie, so a small part of you can't move forward. If this was a rape was there a police report filed? I'm guessing not because she didn't want to drag this out, right? I'd tell her what was said and the fact that she's still lying is getting in the way of you moving forward. If she claims rape again tell her flat out you don't believe her. Rapes do happen but they're also used a get out of jail free card by some women. When your wife freaks out and cries about her "rape", which she will, tell her it's a very serious charge and you need to go to the police. Her refusal will tell you all you need to know. I'm a woman and I'm telling you that women lie about rapes all the time. Something doesn't add up here, you're not protecting a rape victim. You're protecting a rug sweeper.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

akasephiroth said:


> Yeah i swept the old PA under the rug and moved on, but it came back from under the rug with this.
> 
> I guess in my mind although I see the PA for what it really was part of me still wants to believe this was a rape and I'm protecting a rape victim.


Then she should have reported the rape, and she can testify in court. Otherwise, it's just a story. You could have also had her do a private polygraph.

C


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

badmemory said:


> Absolutely I would tell her this, except change it a little. I would shorten it to say your PA came back and slapped me in the face today. In my way of thinking, the "I forgave you for" and the "2 years ago" is just too conciliatory. 2 years may seem like a long time, but in BS years, it's not.
> 
> It's a major trigger for you and she needs to hear all the details. I believe that sometimes a WS needs to be reminded of the fact that some of their deserved consequences don't have an expiration date.
> 
> I don't tell you this in theory, but in practice. I'm also two years out. 2 weeks ago I ran into the POSOM at the store for the first time since before Dday. When I got home I laid out all the details to my wife. She didn't tell me that I need to get past this, she didn't tell me don't let it bother you. She was empathetic. If your wife is still remorseful, she will be too.


Thank you to hear that someone else has gone though something like this and has already delt with the end results means alot. 

Our Marriage has felt stronger these last 2 years there's been more love from both side's then ever before. I'm scared of her freaking out but to read that you too have been here and your wife was remorseful and empathetic makes me feel better about going home. 

When she calls me for supper plans later on ill tell her we need to talk when i get home.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

PBear said:


> Then she should have reported the rape, and she can testify in court. Otherwise, it's just a story. You could have also had her do a private polygraph.
> 
> C


I told her she needed to report it. She told me she just wanted to be done with the guy, that police probably couldn't find him anyway as he was living on the street last she had heard from him. I told her she needed to at least tell her mom what happened because her mom had been blaming me for doing something to upset her. She did agree to this and wrote her mom a letter instead of calling her right out, i found out last year that her mom did not believe the story ether for some reason.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

akasephiroth said:


> I'm scared of her freaking out but to read that you too have been here and your wife was remorseful and empathetic makes me feel better about going home.


Don't be afraid of that. It's not like you just brought it up out of the blue. You had no control over it. If she reacts appropriately, that's what should make you feel better.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

akasephiroth said:


> I told her she needed to report it. She told me she just wanted to be done with the guy, that police probably couldn't find him anyway as he was living on the street last she had heard from him. I told her she needed to at least tell her mom what happened because her mom had been blaming me for doing something to upset her. She did agree to this and wrote her mom a letter instead of calling her right out, i found out last year that her mom did not believe the story ether for some reason.


As someone else suggested, if you really want to get to the bottom of what really happen then you must insist that she report the rape to the authorities. I would take an emphatic refusal to mean that she is not being honest with what happened. What kind of relationship/upbringing did your wife have with her mom? If it was good and mom thinks she's lying...


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

akasephiroth said:


> Im a security guard at a major company i see new faces everyday. However I never expected a face from a horrible pass to show up here. Its been 2 years since the wife had her PA and i thought i had forgiven and forgot but after today im not so sure.
> 
> A temp service has been sending in part time employee's daily each has to sign in with the guard (me). Today i signed in a name a knew the OM brother from 2 years ago. I recognized the name but didn't say anything when I went to wave him though after signing in he stopped and asked me where he knew me from. Avoiding the confrontation I told him he needed to move on to let others though.
> 
> ...


Best to tell your WW the truth. Tell exactly what the OM brother said.

Every time you have to have contact with someone from the affair will always cause what ever healing to become undone.

To prevent things from the past to come back and haunt many a BH is advised to move far away from where the affair took place.

Living in a southern east coast state move to southern California.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> As someone else suggested, if you really want to get to the bottom of what really happen then you must insist that she report the rape to the authorities. I would take an emphatic refusal to mean that she is not being honest with what happened. What kind of relationship/upbringing did your wife have with her mom? If it was good and mom thinks she's lying...


Her upbringing is allot of her problems (i know it sounds like im making excesses for her) but her parents are the type that shouldn't be allowed to raise kids. Her mother and step father are the type of people who try to live beyond there means and anyone who doesn't aren't worth there time. We almost didnt get married because she thought EA's where harmless when we where dating, i later seen how her parents promoted this behavior with her brother when they bragged about how he was messing with 3-4 girls when he was only 16 years old, they also recently found it funny that her brother (now 20) got a married woman pregnant while her husband was in jail. 

Her relationship with her mom is hit and miss, She talks to her almost daily just to check in or her mom calling to talk about the boys. But her mom has always placed her a distant 2nd place to her brother. I tend to avoid most contact with her mom and step father as there is bad blood (married the bosses daughter)


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Are you a rugsweeper? Tell her. It's her fault. By the way, what were the consequences for her act of betrayal.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Trigger big time and the dude really rubbed it in your face. The guy is an arse and you handled it the best you could.

Tell your wife.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

theroad said:


> Best to tell your WW the truth. Tell exactly what the OM brother said.
> 
> Every time you have to have contact with someone from the affair will always cause what ever healing to become undone.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice we are working on this to be honest. I have 3 semester before I'm ASE certified once I have my degree we plan to move to mid Florida (in south GA atm) i have a friend who owns a Body repair shop down there but he has no certified mechanic we have talked about expanding his business and going in as partners with me being the head of the mechanic portion with me having the degree for it.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

akasephiroth said:


> I guess in my mind although I see the PA for what it really was part of me still wants to believe this was a rape and I'm protecting a rape victim.


 When a famous con man was asked how he got so many people to beleive the unbelievable, he answered that you can get people to beleive anything as long as they want to beleive it. You want to beleive her unbelievable rape story, even though you, her and everyone else that hears the story knows that it is not true. Rug sweeping in all its glory.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

illwill said:


> Are you a rugsweeper? Tell her. It's her fault. By the way, what were the consequences for her act of betrayal.


We split for 2 months her decision after I accused her of cheating without proof other then EA. We filed for divorce and I had started to move forward. A friend had hooked me up on a blind date at a club and when she found out she called and asked if i wanted my son for the same weekend, I called off the date to be with my boy and planned to take him to a local theme park for the weekend, she dropped of my son and ended up showing up at the same motel sarcastically claiming she didn't know we where gonna be there.

Once we where back together before she let me know what happened I pulled a trick suggest to me by a friend. Told her i heard the guy she had the EA with had aids and I refused to have sex with her until she had tested clean and showed me proof. The fear in her eyes told me she slept with him and that's when the rape excuse came out.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Firstly as an aside, your friend at work should have this POS OM's brother fired not reassigned. What he did cannot be acceptable to anyone from HR. And with shortage of work he should not be too hard to replace (he doesn't sound like a brain surgeon).

Secondly everything about your wife's affair and how it was handled is suspect and wrong. She tricked you into being with your son so that you would not go on your date. You tricked her into confessing to the PA else she would never have. You then kind of accepted the bull sh!t rape story. There has never really been any consequences for her. You still do not have the whole story. You need to rewind to just past DDay and start pushing for the truth etc. Only then can you both really move on. If not, this sort of thing will keep happening and you will trigger worse and worse until something really bad happens.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

And by the way, tell her exactly what happened at work - just prior to your rewind to just past Dday.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

GOOD NEWS!!!

The OM brother supervisor stopped in told me if I could file a formal complaint about what happened in writing they would be forced to let him go, said the guy has caused problems at other work sites as well and they been itching to tell him they will no longer be trying to find him work.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

akasephiroth said:


> She told me she just wanted to be done with the guy, that police probably couldn't find him anyway as he was living on the street last she had heard from him.


 As a person living on the streets, the other man (OM) is so use to people ignoring him and looking down at him, that having sex with another man's wife was a huge ego boost for him, as he rarely gets to feel superior to anyone. His fellow loser brother enjoyed rubbing it in to you, as he and his brother rarely have things to gloat about. By the unfavorable way in which the brother described your wife, it is obvious that the OM looks down on her; be sure to point this out to your wife when you tell her what happened. She betrayed you for a lowlife that lives on the streets, and has no respect for her because he knew that he was just using her.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

TRy said:


> As a person living on the streets, the other man (OM) is so use to people ignoring him and looking down at him, that having sex with another man's wife was a huge ego boost for him, as he rarely gets to feel superior to anyone. His fellow loser brother enjoyed rubbing it in to you, as he and his brother rarely have things to gloat about. By the unfavorable way in which the brother described your wife, it is obvious that the OM looks down on her; be sure to point this out to your wife when you tell her what happened. She betrayed you for a lowlife that lives on the streets, and has no respect for her because he knew that he was just using her.


I remember back when i confronted her about the EA with him she claimed she was trying to just boost his ego, that she felt sorry for him. 

Btw the OM was a friend of my brothers and my brother is now serving 5 years for breaking into peoples houses, cars and felony possession so that should say alot.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

akasephiroth said:


> I remember back when i confronted her about the EA with him she claimed she was trying to just boost his ego, that she felt sorry for him.


 Wow, she cheated on you and gave the other man pity sex, to boost this guys ego because "she felt sorry for him". Now I have heard it all.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have your wife take a polygraph and write you a timeline and detail of the affair.

She ripped your heart out, she can help you and needs to be telling you what you need to heal.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

harrybrown said:


> Have your wife take a polygraph and write you a timeline and detail of the affair.
> 
> She ripped your heart out, she can help you and needs to be telling you what you need to heal.


I have considered that, talked to her about it too when we got back together. She used the "we cant afford that right now" and i never really looked into past that. 

We did have MC right after getting back together with our pastor who is a certified MC he also help me to get over some of my anger issues, but we had a falling out with him about a year ago and haven't been back since (disagreement with how church funds where being spent)


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Your wife should join him on the streets.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The way the OM brother acts, and what you say about the OM, rape is not out of the question. Have you looked into his criminal record to see if he has a record of sexual misconduct. Just sayin.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

akasephiroth said:


> GOOD NEWS!!!
> 
> The OM brother supervisor stopped in told me if I could file a formal complaint about what happened in writing they would be forced to let him go, said the guy has caused problems at other work sites as well and they been itching to tell him they will no longer be trying to find him work.



Maybe you could talk the supervisor into allowing you to have a meeting with the OM's brother. Maybe he will shed some light on some of the things your wife hasn't come clean about.

Then let them fire him.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

Chaparral said:


> The way the OM brother acts, and what you say about the OM, rape is not out of the question. Have you looked into his criminal record to see if he has a record of sexual misconduct. Just sayin.


We we where debating divorce my lawyer done a background check on the guy to show in court what type of people my wife was having the kids around (yes i was pushing for custody) He found that the OM had a felony meth charge 15 years ago, and he told me that he also had a sealed record that he couldn't investigate. 

I took it upon my self to try and investigate this and couldnt find anything however I found the artical where his Meth charge was in the paper and listed the arresting officers name. I contacted that officer (who is now a detective up north) to see if he maybe could shed light on the guy's past and all i got was a "better get your kids away from him if shes around him". So unless he done it before he was of age no sexual charges.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> Maybe you could talk the supervisor into allowing you to have a meeting with the OM's brother. Maybe he will shed some light on some of the things your wife hasn't come clean about.
> 
> Then let them fire him.


Yeah that's a thought but this guy is scum of the earth, being in his presence right now would not be good for me or him, and besides they walked him out about a hr ago....ill be getting off work myself in about 3 hrs to go home and deal with the fall out of the past rearing its ulgy head though a slimebag.....


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If hr walked him , watch yourself as you head out tonight.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> If hr walked him , watch yourself as you head out tonight.


Thanks for the concerns.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Wow. OM's brother is a real freak. He gets off on boasting of being the brother of a man who has sex with married women?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> If hr walked him , watch yourself as you head out tonight.


I think OP said he was a temp placement and not part of the company. So his walking will come from the temp agency. One thing I do know about this is that these temp agencies communicate with each other in the same way casinos do with card counters, etc. 

They don't want riff raff sliding from place to place, so they give each other heads up, or at the very least someone will call someone else and ask, "Have you heard of this guy?" 

It sullies the rep of all temp agencies as a whole, so they act on the best interest of their collective business.

It's what I was told by a temp agency owner anyway. Just passing it along.

Makes sense though.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

3putt said:


> I think OP said he was a temp placement and not part of the company. So his walking will come from the temp agency. One thing I do know about this is that these temp agencies communicate with each other in the same way casinos do with card counters, etc.
> 
> They don't want riff raff sliding from place to place, so they give each other heads up, or at the very least someone will call someone else and ask, "Have you heard of this guy?"
> 
> ...


Yeah the company's HR department didn't escort him out like they would a regular employee his Supervisor (who is a higher up within the temp company) just basically told him he was fired and sat up here at the post as the guy left out the gate. I wrote an formal complaint on him though there supervisor without having any real contact with any of the company's HR department. 

Company's like this tend to hire these temp service so that dont have to deal with this kinda crap themselves from what ive seen, ive seen more then one temp employee be "sent home" as they call it, seen one "sent home" in the back of a police car and the company's HR manager just stood and watched...


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

akasephiroth said:


> Later on when employee's where returning from lunch he stopped again this time laughing, he stopped and told me "now i remember you your that poor fool who's married to that W**** my brother was F*****" then sped off laughing....


It's a shame you live so far. I have friends.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> Wow. OM's brother is a real freak. He gets off on boasting of being the brother of a man who has sex with married women?


I dont believe it to be just that simple, me and the guy had a argument over facebook when i posted some stuff on his brother page after the affair took place. What is a shame is it took the guy 4 hrs to realize i was the guy who he fought with a few years ago defending his brother. This tells me he ether has to do that often (defend his brother) or he stays too high to remember things in a timely manner. 

Also note he is a Thug (yet agian for lack of a better word) he found it funny back then posting stuff about gentle size making wife run to his brother....low life uneducated criminal.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

akasephiroth said:


> GOOD NEWS!!!
> 
> The OM brother supervisor stopped in told me if I could file a formal complaint about what happened in writing they would be forced to let him go, said the guy has caused problems at other work sites as well and they been itching to tell him they will no longer be trying to find him work.


Please, do it.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

After reading this, I can honestly say (and I'll no doubt catch flak for this) that infidelity is a deal breaker for me. It always has and always will be. 

I've heard of gifts that keep on giving which is nice, but cheating is a pain that keeps on giving and never goes away.

Here's a guy that forgave his wife and tried his very best to put his wife's betrayal behind him and when he least suspects it, he gets hit square in the face with it again. I can't imagine the humiliation and hurt to have some bum come up to his face and lay something like that on him and for what. Because his wife cant control her selfish urges and keep her legs together. 

Now two years later, it starts all over and he's back to square one and he now has bigger doubts and I have a feeling that it's going to get worse since he already had doubts about her story.

My advice? If you want to stay with her, then get her polygraphed. If she says that we can't afford it, you look her in the eye and tell her, that it will be well worth the price and I would hustle her ass to a poly office tomorrow and find out once and for all and let her know that if she fails it, she better have bus fare to Mom and Dads house because she won't be living there. You need to find out what happened because your going to be old before your time if you don't. Chances are that if she has lied, you'll find out when your driving there.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

AKA, what part of Georgia do you live Dawg?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Wow. OM's brother is a real freak. He gets off on boasting of being the brother of a man who has sex with married women?


A lot of people do this! Men who get cheated on are cuckholded nim-come-poops of rhe highest order and are worthy only of being humiliated!


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

treyvion said:


> A lot of people do this! Men who get cheated on are cuckholded nim-come-poops of rhe highest order and are worthy only of being humiliated!


How is it being cuckolded when they have no idea what is happening? This is just asinine. Now if a man knows it's going on and does nothing about it, then you have a point.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

ThePheonix said:


> AKA, what part of Georgia do you live Dawg?


South GA Thomasville albany area.



treyvion said:


> A lot of people do this! Men who get cheated on are cuckholded nim-come-poops of rhe highest order and are worthy only of being humiliated!


So your saying i deserve the Humiliation because my wife desided she wanted to mess around with another man? I guess i should have beat her down for the EA made her know who the boss was right?

Maybe i should let the brother know where you live i bet you too would be great friends.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

The truth shall set you free.

Don't have to OFFER the info, when asked calmly explain what happened at work. 

Then silent move along. She deserves some grief NOT just you.

imho and I don't know your backstory...but that's my take.


Bravo for NOT Drill Pressing his head. 
(picture it cartoon like in your head - like ACME.)
Great job holding your outward anger. It is okay to calmly express your displeasure and disdain for what happened.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

I'm joking, but you guys know I'm right when I say they usually pile ontop of the betrayed husband.

And no it's not being "cuckholded" if you dont KNOW. But to all the observers there almost is no difference, they think he is stupid enough to not know.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Tell her the truth.

Ultimately she's the cause of this pain she should know it's reach.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

And OF COURSE follow through with the complaint and get the dude fired. ALSO perhaps a restraining order for the PA/OM and his brother.

Nuisance to them - protective for you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

akasephiroth said:


> We split for 2 months her decision after I accused her of cheating without proof other then EA. We filed for divorce and I had started to move forward. A friend had hooked me up on a blind date at a club and when she found out she called and asked if i wanted my son for the same weekend, I called off the date to be with my boy and planned to take him to a local theme park for the weekend, she dropped of my son and ended up showing up at the same motel sarcastically claiming she didn't know we where gonna be there.
> 
> Once we where back together before she let me know what happened I pulled a trick suggest to me by a friend. Told her i heard the guy she had the EA with had aids and I refused to have sex with her until she had tested clean and showed me proof. The fear in her eyes told me she slept with him and that's when the rape excuse came out.


And you believed her story ???Man, are you gullible or what ?

Be clever and tell her that you found a lot more of her affair today.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

Time for the final paperwork ect... getting off work in a hr, plan to sit wife down and tell her about what happened and let her know i need the truth. I love her enough to stay no matter what, In my head ive done forgiven her for something that hasn't be spoken, so she need not worry there. Our marriage is strong now and will push though, but you are all right its time we finally put this behind us so if next time this happens i can say "i know and whats it matter she's been forgiven"

Thank you all for the support ill update tommarow. God bless


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Would you still forgive her if it was a 6 month long affair ?


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

That guy is Scum and karma should bite him accordingly.,,give him him zero power over you.... Pity him instead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

akasephiroth said:


> Time for the final paperwork ect... getting off work in a hr, plan to sit wife down and tell her about what happened and let her know i need the truth. I love her enough to stay no matter what, In my head ive done forgiven her for something that hasn't be spoken, so she need not worry there. Our marriage is strong now and will push though, but you are all right its time we finally put this behind us so if next time this happens i can say "i know and whats it matter she's been forgiven"
> 
> Thank you all for the support ill update tommarow. God bless


Have you been around here? I love your positive attitude, but you can't really forgive an adulterous spouse that easy unless you know what you are forgiving them for. And you really can't forgive them until they deserve forgiveness. And they can't even deserve forgiveness until they understand what they are losing and feel pain and remorse about it.

Outside of this, you are rewarding the bad behavior and when their discomfort heals up they will be right back at it.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

akasephiroth said:


> So your saying i deserve the Humiliation because my wife desided she wanted to mess around with another man?


I don't know how that quote you're talking about got attributed to me but I didn't say it.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

It's when you find out you are the last to know that it really starts to burn.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

hookares said:


> It's when you find out you are the last to know that it really starts to burn.




Yeah but we're all done with it. Cheat on a TAM member and you may as well pack your stuff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I don't understand this OP.

You never got the truth. Now you have legitimate doubts about whether or not this was a one time thing (raped??? C'mon man) and now you just want to put it behind you?

I wish you luck but doubt you can put something behind you when you don't know what it is. The idiot brother seems to be suggesting that this was a long term deal.

And your wife wasn't raped by this guy regardless of his past. So holding on to that lie is not healthy for you.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

akasephiroth said:


> Im a security guard at a major company i see new faces everyday. However I never expected a face from a horrible pass to show up here. Its been 2 years since the wife had her PA and i thought i had forgiven and forgot but after today im not so sure.
> 
> A temp service has been sending in part time employee's daily each has to sign in with the guard (me). Today i signed in a name a knew the OM brother from 2 years ago. I recognized the name but didn't say anything when I went to wave him though after signing in he stopped and asked me where he knew me from. Avoiding the confrontation I told him he needed to move on to let others though.
> 
> ...


That's exactly what I'd say. Just because you forgive someone, doesn't mean there won't be pain again from it. I also believe that just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you're not allowed to be angry at a future time if it rears it's head again.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_Time for the final paperwork ect... getting off work in a hr, plan to sit wife down and tell her about what happened and let her know i need the truth. I love her enough to stay no matter what, *In my head ive done forgiven her for something that hasn't be spoken, *so she need not worry there. Our marriage is strong now and will push though, but you are all right its time we finally put this behind us so if next time this happens i can say "i know and whats it matter she's been forgiven"

Thank you all for the support ill update tommarow. God bless _

Good luck, aka. Several posters have said this to you in different ways, but for me it's a basic truism: You can't really forgive if you don't know what you're forgiving. You need the whole truth, even if it's two years old, in order truly to forgive.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Philat said:


> _Time for the final paperwork ect... getting off work in a hr, plan to sit wife down and tell her about what happened and let her know i need the truth. I love her enough to stay no matter what, *In my head ive done forgiven her for something that hasn't be spoken, *so she need not worry there. Our marriage is strong now and will push though, but you are all right its time we finally put this behind us so if next time this happens i can say "i know and whats it matter she's been forgiven"
> 
> Thank you all for the support ill update tommarow. God bless _
> 
> Good luck, aka. Several posters have said this to you in different ways, but for me it's a basic truism: You can't really forgive if you don't know what you're forgiving. You need the whole truth, even if it's two years old, in order truly to forgive.


:iagree:


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

UPDATE: well me and the wife talked, told her what happened, she asked if i was ok i told her i needed to know the truth after 2 years I had to know. She dropped her head went back to her pc and went cold.

Couldnt bring my self to eat dinner, just went to bed. She came behind me told me he didnt rape her. When i asked so what happened she said nothing...Ok im getting pissed we go from "He Raped me" to "we didnt do nothing".... i get up to leave when she yelled "i made a mistake, i feel like scum, Ive been too ashamed to tell you the truth". She said it was a one time deal when we where having problems (and yes we where having problems her excessive flirting and my anger was not a good mix at times) told me the guy messaged her a few days after asked what was going (my brother had started knocking down doors looking to hurt this guy and he was hiding) wife said she told him and he moved up to where she was with the brother who started this all back up yesterday. 

Wife told me after she moved home with mom and step dad they drug her to the lawyers office and demanded she file divorcee ( i know alot of you wont believe this one but this is what i feel as truth....you would have to know the hate between the inlaws). W said that the guy used the one time deal as leverage treating her with telling me what happened and even testifying in court that she left our 4 year old at the time in the play ground alone while they done the deed. She said he used this to control her even after she told him how bad she felt and how wrong it was for what they did. 

Today while in school taking it all in she texted me. Asking about us how i felt. I insured her I loved her and my boys enough to fight as long as she stopped with all the lies. She came up with this idea a question form said it felt so good to get the PA off her chest and see that i trully had forgiven her that she wanted to answer any question i may still have. Told me to work up as many question as i could think of and she would answer them, I of course asked why the sudden 'im ready to get it all out" and she responded "because you need it and im just realizing that". She has gone as far as to tell me she found a polygraph app for Android if i want her to be hooked up to a lie detector test while she answers the question. Im not going that far and i know some of you may disagree but ive known about these apps for awhile they are very unreliable.

So in all it went well, i feel relieved. I know it may sound weird but I honestly feel like the air is cleaner and i can breath it better. Thank you all for the advice yesterday, and feel free to leave your advice ect now.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Don't forgive her yet. Tell her she needs to earn your forgiveness. No more freebies from this point on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Don't forgive her yet. Tell her she needs to earn your forgiveness. No more freebies from this point on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell her you will have to think about it.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_Today while in school taking it all in she texted me. Asking about us how i felt. I insured her I loved her and my boys enough to fight as long as she stopped with all the lies. She came up with this idea a question form said it felt so good to get the PA off her chest and see that i trully had forgiven her that she wanted to answer any question i may still have. Told me to work up as many question as i could think of and she would answer them, I of course asked why the sudden 'im ready to get it all out" and she responded "because you need it and im just realizing that". She has gone as far as to tell me she found a polygraph app for Android if i want her to be hooked up to a lie detector test while she answers the question. Im not going that far and i know some of you may disagree but ive known about these apps for awhile they are very unreliable.

So in all it went well, i feel relieved. I know it may sound weird but I honestly feel like the air is cleaner and i can breath it better. Thank you all for the advice yesterday, and feel free to leave your advice ect now. _

She's making the right noises, but as others have said reserve judgment until you see the deeds (and get the answers to your questions). Screw the Android app--what about a real polygraph?


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

She's trying to rugsweep again because you want this behind you and your letting her. What you need is true remorse and transparency. She's been lying to you for two years dude, think she only hooked up with him once? maybe, maybe not, I fear this is something else thats going to bite you in the ass later. Ask and get the info, no more bullsh*t. You need the truth.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

akasephiroth said:


> UPDATE: well me and the wife talked, told her what happened, she asked if i was ok i told her i needed to know the truth after 2 years I had to know. She dropped her head went back to her pc and went cold.
> 
> Couldnt bring my self to eat dinner, just went to bed. She came behind me told me he didnt rape her. When i asked so what happened she said nothing...Ok im getting pissed we go from "He Raped me" to "we didnt do nothing".... i get up to leave when she yelled "i made a mistake, i feel like scum, Ive been too ashamed to tell you the truth". She said it was a one time deal when we where having problems (and yes we where having problems her excessive flirting and my anger was not a good mix at times) told me the guy messaged her a few days after asked what was going (my brother had started knocking down doors looking to hurt this guy and he was hiding) wife said she told him and he moved up to where she was with the brother who started this all back up yesterday.
> 
> ...


So tell her you are taking her to get a "real" polygraph test. Tell her that the appointmant has been made and they told you not to tell her the name of the place until you are on your way there.

If she hasn't told you everything, you find out before you even have to bluff by getting in the care and making like you're driving to take the test.

You waited two years for the WHOLE truth. If you back off now, you will be right back here again in the future. Wondering what the whole truth really is, all over again...


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> So tell her you are taking her to get a "real" polygraph test. Tell her tha appointmant has been made and they told you not to tell her the name of the place until you are on your way there.
> 
> If she hasn't told you everything, you find out before you even have to bluff by getting in the care and making like you're driving to take the test.
> 
> You waited two years for the WHOLE truth. If you back of now, you will be right back here again in the fture. Wondering what the truth really is...


She was in a relationship with him for two whole years, while you were relegated to the sidelines and lied to. She grew closer to him during the entire period. Who knows what info she shared about you to him, but what the hell do you know about him?

They can't have the proper remorse and regret for forgiveness until they have literally seen their life flash in front of them.


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## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

akasephiroth said:


> UPDATE: well me and the wife talked, told her what happened, she asked if i was ok i told her i needed to know the truth after 2 years I had to know. She dropped her head went back to her pc and went cold.
> 
> Couldnt bring my self to eat dinner, just went to bed. She came behind me told me he didnt rape her. When i asked so what happened she said nothing...Ok im getting pissed we go from "He Raped me" to "we didnt do nothing".... i get up to leave when she yelled "i made a mistake, i feel like scum, Ive been too ashamed to tell you the truth". She said it was a one time deal when we where having problems (and yes we where having problems her excessive flirting and my anger was not a good mix at times) told me the guy messaged her a few days after asked what was going (my brother had started knocking down doors looking to hurt this guy and he was hiding) wife said she told him and he moved up to where she was with the brother who started this all back up yesterday.
> 
> ...


your wife chose to hide the truth for 2 years because she felt ashamed of it despite the mental / emotional turmoil it had on you. her husband 'the real victim'. she didn't care about you for a long time. I don't believe people suddenly change this fast. I'm not saying this to put you more down than your already are. I'm just saying it's better to arrange a REAL polygraph test and get this over with for once and all.

do you think you can handle another revelation? 
a human heart can only break so many times. 

good luck , my friend


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

akasephiroth said:


> Later on when employee's where returning from lunch he stopped again this time laughing, he stopped and told me "now i remember you your that poor fool who's married to that W**** my brother *was F******" then sped off laughing....


Plural. Not one time. This comes as no surprise. It's called trickle truth.

Rape->We did nothing->One time mistake->The whole truth.

Polygraph her professionally.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

treyvion said:


> She was in a relationship with him for two whole years, while you were relegated to the sidelines and lied to. She grew closer to him during the entire period. Who knows what info she shared about you to him, but what the hell do you know about him?
> 
> They can't have the proper remorse and regret for forgiveness until they have literally seen their life flash in front of them.


No at the most she was in a relationship with the guy for only a month we have been over this or so i thought for 2 years. This guy has been a distant memory until his brother showed up at my job site running his mouth I cant tell you where the guy is and she has been 100% transparent the entire 2 years we have been back together, emails, facebook, she even had her mom turn off the phone she had with her mom's plan so that she could be on a plan i could monitor if need be.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

akasephiroth said:


> UPDATE: well me and the wife talked, told her what happened, she asked if i was ok i told her i needed to know the truth after 2 years I had to know. She dropped her head went back to her pc and went cold.
> 
> Couldnt bring my self to eat dinner, just went to bed. She came behind me told me he didnt rape her. When i asked so what happened she said nothing...Ok im getting pissed we go from "He Raped me" to "we didnt do nothing".... i get up to leave when she yelled "i made a mistake, i feel like scum, Ive been too ashamed to tell you the truth". She said it was a one time deal when we where having problems (and yes we where having problems her excessive flirting and my anger was not a good mix at times) told me the guy messaged her a few days after asked what was going (my brother had started knocking down doors looking to hurt this guy and he was hiding) wife said she told him and he moved up to where she was with the brother who started this all back up yesterday.
> 
> ...



In a twisted sort of way, that's great news.

Here's what I'd suggest though. You come up with parameters (as in do you want to know details about the sex itself or not) but have HER fill out a VERY detailed timeline. How they met, when they met, when they'd talk etc. etc. EVERY specific detail of their relationship (again, except the sex details, unless you want those, it's a tricky issue).

If you write up a bunch of questions, she can come up with a strategy of how to spin the answers. If you ask HER to lay everything out, her story has to be consistent. It may not be fully truthful, but it has to be consistent.

Also, tell her your not 100% there to forgive her. You're willing to work towards it, but there can't be ANOTHER lie EVER otherwise you're DONE!


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> So tell her you are taking her to get a "real" polygraph test. Tell her that the appointmant has been made and they told you not to tell her the name of the place until you are on your way there.
> 
> If she hasn't told you everything, you find out before you even have to bluff by getting in the care and making like you're driving to take the test.
> 
> You waited two years for the WHOLE truth. If you back off now, you will be right back here again in the future. Wondering what the whole truth really is, all over again...


I have thought about this, tell her that with me being in security I was about to get a discounted test at the Sheriff's dept in the next town over (Ive actually been tested there before being hired she knows they do the test) Just sent her the quesiton list she agreed to answer, after answering them ive debaited asking if she's willing to answer them at the sheriff's dept. I could go as far as telling here i arranged the test for monday at noon. Drive there slow and see how much really comes out.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

Oh and btw to all of those who have suggest polygraph i did look up the price and i hate to say but wife is right we cant afford it....450 is cheepest i found for real test.....this is 10 less then my check for 2 weeks with the amount of hrs they have cut me down to in last couple of months.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Tell her you can't afford not to do it because she has left you no choice.

Make sure you give her the chance for a parking lot confession. 

Your is a case of rug sweeping and trickle truthing coming back to haunt you.

I do wish you well.

Good Luck
WD


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Don't forgive her yet. Tell her she needs to earn your forgiveness. No more freebies from this point on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OP do what is right for YOU! Not what some vindictive people here tell you to do. If you are able to, and have, forgiven her that's fine by YOU. People her sometimes forget that each situation is different and what works for some doesn't work for others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

workindad said:


> Tell her you can't afford not to do it because she has left you no choice.
> 
> Make sure you give her the chance for a parking lot confession.
> 
> ...


I wish i could tell her we cant afford not to do it, to be able to afford something this high priced would mean Choice between lights and rent payment one wouldn't get paid as i stated before 460 is my paycheck for 2 weeks after taxes atm with me only getting 24 hrs a week. My rent 375 and my lights run 150-200.

Question is do i hold off on the polygraph until things pick up at work and I get hrs back (most liklly earlly january) or do i play the i got a "discounted test" if you really wanna take it and drive to the parking lot and if she doesn't say anything tell her she passed the test and we can head home. The other option would be she does say something at that point I know she would be telling the truth. Could also see if my buddy here in town on the force can call and make arrangements to have someone come out and tell me they cant do the test today as almost a shock that we went there for nothing.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I think a polygraph is a poor choice.

they are only 80% and if she fails she will say I was nervous or bla,bla,bla and you will still not have concrete proof.

do you trust her? I don't think you do and most likley never will.

can you live with the feeling the rest of your life that you can never really trust her? that you will have triggers and then will drive your self crazy wondering about her trust worthiness.

be true to thyn own self and really think about it. is this what you want.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

So OM's brother did you a favor by throwing it in your face, at least now you know what a liar your wife has been. If not for him, you're still living the lie.

To accuse this guy of rape? Let you go on believing that for the rest of your life? With you spending all that time studying rape symptoms, saying how your wife has them? What a piece of work your wife is.

By the way, I don't believe her new story. "JUST ONE TIME" almost never is.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

akasephiroth said:


> She said it was a one time deal when we where having problems (and yes we where having problems her excessive flirting and my anger was not a good mix at times) told me the guy messaged her a few days after asked what was going (my brother had started knocking down doors looking to hurt this guy and he was hiding) wife said she told him and he moved up to where she was with the brother who started this all back up yesterday.
> 
> Wife told me after she moved home with mom and step dad they drug her to the lawyers office and demanded she file divorcee ( i know alot of you wont believe this one but this is what i feel as truth....you would have to know the hate between the inlaws). *W said that the guy used the one time deal as leverage threatening her with telling me what happened and even testifying in court that she left our 4 year old at the time in the play ground alone while they done the deed. She said he used this to control her* even after she told him how bad she felt and how wrong it was for what they did.


First it was rape, now blackmail. That's a crime, too. Why don't you see if she is willing to press charges? Then see if that story changes, too.

How can you believe anything she says? It's obvious she will lie for her own benefit at your expense. She has done it over and over.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> I think a polygraph is a poor choice.
> 
> they are only 80% and if she fails she will say I was nervous or bla,bla,bla and you will still not have concrete proof.
> 
> ...


Do i trust her now? yes 100% do i trust that something like this will never happen again? absolutely
Do i trust that what she tells me is now the truth that she cheated on me with a bum from the park? yes finally what she says is believable she answered the question and i believe the answers because there's nothing outrageous stuff seems to fit. 

Is she being fully honest? not really because she's still using the i didnt know my text messages too him before the event was leading him on.

I know that 2 years ago I felt like i was married to a horny teenager, but today I feel like Im married to a loving caring wife. She is a totally different person and as much as the past haunts me the person she is today has me more in love then ever.

Btw i asked her if she wanted to press charges for the blackmail and her response was "you can do that? Yes do we need some kinda proof though?" 

Just told her as well that after i go back to full time im gonna want a polygraph done with the answers i have now, told her that today was her last chance to be open if she wanted to change anything she stated to do it now because if she fails the polygraph ill use the answers to get a divorcee and file for custody. She is still showing no problem with this.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

akasephiroth said:


> told her that today was her last chance to be open if she wanted to change anything she stated to do it now because if she fails the polygraph ill use the answers to get a divorcee and file for custody. She *is still showing no problem with this*.


Yes, they usually only spill after they reach the parking lot of the polygraph examiner, what is commonly referred to here as a "parking lot" confession. Lots of lies up until then.

"Sure, let's press charges" is easy to say. Just words.

Actions are what you should be looking for. PRESS CHARGES.

I'm glad that she has finally told you a story that makes sense, but don't get carried away just yet. She has lied to you for a couple of years, then not even a full day ago she told you the truth and already you believe her completely. In so short a time, how much could she have changed from that liar who was in your house yesterday?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

No bluffing on your part. If you schhedule a polygraph give her a chance to confess before. Let her confess in the parking lot. Then take her inside and do the poly.

Cheaters are famous for only confessing to what they think you already know. This is exactly what your wife has done so far. If you don't actually do the poly she may still have untold secrets. Also you lose credibilitu in future boundaries.

Don't give in due to momentary euphoria. Have a plan which you feel is good, and don't change it on an emotional whim.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

How about therapy ? It doesn't cost 450 dollars.. Even if it is one session a month for the next few months.. I mean something as you guys definitely need it.

OP, Please stop trying to defend your wife as it sounds foolish.. 

You are living in this world of denial and this is why 2 years later you are having these issues.. 

You knew she wasn't raped but then get mad that she wasn't raped.. Come on, stop trying to blow smoke up your own A$$..

Again you are having these issues because you never dealt with this situation in the first place.. So instead of pretending something else happen this time. Why not just face the reality and fix the actual issues and have some sort of closure in your life with this and move on..

I hope you both find the courage to deal with this once and for all..


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

akasephiroth said:


> Do i trust her now? yes 100% do i trust that something like this will never happen again? absolutely. Do i trust that what she tells me is now the truth that she cheated on me with a bum from the park? yes finally what she says is believable she answered the question and i believe the answers because there's nothing outrageous stuff seems to fit.


You're kidding, right?... 



akasephiroth said:


> Is she being fully honest? not really because she's still using the i didnt know my text messages too him before the event was leading him on.


So, You don't think that she's being honest("fully honest" is like kind of pregnant), but you now trust her. You're kidding, right?... 



akasephiroth said:


> Just told her as well that after i go back to full time im gonna want a polygraph done with the answers i have now, told her that today was her last chance to be open if she wanted to change anything she stated to do it now because if she fails the polygraph ill use the answers to get a divorcee and file for custody. She is still showing no problem with this.


You'll never get her hooked up to the poly machine by then. She'll tell you that she's "fully" told you the truth, it's water under the bridge and she sees no sense in taking one.

Your best chance of a poly is now. I know you don't have the cash, but the sheriff thing would have worked great. You had a poly yourself. You know some of the lingo and the people/place that preform them. If she got to the sheriff's parking lot with out cracking then, to me, that's almost as good as the test itself.

You could have called a friend, made like you were canceling and went home.

But hey, you now trust her, so everything will work out o.k..

Take care.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

For the record these stories are all the same. Anyone suggesting otherwise is ignorant. Op, you are just gonna ignore the false rape charge?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

P51Geo1980 said:


> OP do what is right for YOU! Not what some vindictive people here tell you to do. If you are able to, and have, forgiven her that's fine by YOU. People her sometimes forget that each situation is different and what works for some doesn't work for others.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not vindictive. 

You don't even know me. 

Sometimes we give away our forgiveness too cheaply.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Definitely polygraph time. Her story changes more than Kim Kardashian changes outfits in a day.

I've heard of some people getting poly tests in the 300 range so shop around, even call and ask if they have discounts for anything.

Maybe save up for it for Xmas?

Heck, have her get a second job at Xmas someplace and use the money for the polygraph,

Whatever way you do it, you need to do it.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

To fix your marriage, you need to be honest with yourself. Your wife lied for two years. Your R was false, even though it worked under false pretenses. She admitted the truth only AFTER you confronted her. 

Sorry, I know rape victims and my wife escaped a date rape attempt. Her friends stood by and did nothing. I find liars about rape contemptible and I feel cheaters, that use rape as an excuse, are even worse. Now, blackmail has replaced rape?

She needs therapy and you both need MC. You might need help when you realize you may have R'd out of pity or guilt that she was raped. I am not telling you to divorce, but you need to fix yourself. She is still trying to avoid accepting blame.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> To fix your marriage, you need to be honest with yourself. Your wife lied for two years. Your R was false, even though it worked under false pretenses. She admitted the truth only AFTER you confronted her.
> 
> Sorry, I know rape victims and my wife escaped a date rape attempt. Her friends stood by and did nothing. I find liars about rape contemptible and I feel cheaters, that use rape as an excuse, are even worse. Now, blackmail has replaced rape?


The "friends" could have set the entire situation up.



phillybeffandswiss said:


> She needs therapy and you both need MC. You might need help when you realize you may have R'd out of pity or guilt that she was raped. I am not telling you to divorce, but you need to fix yourself. She is still trying to avoid accepting blame.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear akasephiroth,

You're getting a lot of pressure to polygraph test your former wayward wife (FWW) immediately. While I understand why people are saying this and agree that it is often advisable, I think in your case it may not be, at least not yet.

Two things seem clear:

1) you _believe_ your marriage is significantly improved as compared to what it was before her affair and

2) your W _has_ lied to you and _continues_ to be less than honest with you as regards what happened between her and the OM.

The reason why people are telling you that you have a problem is because these are inconsistent statements. While your marriage may _seem_ much better and, in fact, may be in some regards, a marriage based on lies and deception is seriously flawed and is _unlikely to survive_ in the long run.

I get the sense from what you say about your FWW that she has shown remorse, has done what you've asked her to do (other than tell you the full truth) and wants to fix her marriage and be a good wife. My guess is that she is afraid to tell you the truth because she thinks that, if she does, you will take it badly and perhaps even divorce her.

You should want the truth, not so that you can use it as an excuse to divorce her but so that, going forward, you can come to trust her again and have a a better marriage. You should also want to know it because you can't really forgive someone for something you don't know about and, if more bad facts come to light in the future, all the time the two of you spent trying to reconcile may prove to be a waste.

You've said that you've given her the questions you want answers to and she's promised to respond knowing that you plan to polygraph test her in the future. This may work but, knowing that you won't test her now, she may be inclined to reveal less than everything in the hope that you will eventually drop your request for a polygraph test.

My advice would be to continue on the course you are on but also to have a discussion with your FWW about the importance of marriage partners being honest with each other. I would ask her why she thought it necessary to lie to you. If she says she was afraid to tell the truth, ask her why. Listen carefully to what she says and be open to the possibility that, in the past, you have given her reason to be less than truthful (for example, by overreacting, by getting angry or by acting disinterested). If this is the case, accept this as a valid point and assure her that, in the future, she should never be afraid of coming to you with any problem because you want to help her. But also explain to her that a marriage based on lies or half-truths is not something you are willing to have and that, if she cannot be honest with you, then you will have to reconsider you commitment to the marriage.

This is likely to be a difficult conversation and you should only have it when you are both comfortable and ready to speak openly and respectfully with each other. If you do have it, keep in mind that your objective is two-fold: first, to make her feel comfortable with being honest and sharing her problems with you and, second, to make her realize that lying or hiding things from you is unacceptable.

It's often said that communication is the key to a happy marriage. I think that this is only partly correct. The key to a happy marriage is trust, respect and caring (love). Communication is necessary to build and demonstrate trust and respect. Thus, if you want your FWW to trust and respect you, and if you want to be able to trust and respect her, the two of you need to communicate regularly, feeling safe to share not only your thoughts and feelings but also your fears and even your mistakes and failures with each other. If you do this, and if you then help and support each other even when things go wrong, you demonstrate that you care for and love each other.

I hope that the two of you can work through your current difficulties and, over time, build a strong marriage based on trust, respect, caring and love.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

carmen ohio said:


> I get the sense from what you say about your FWW that she has shown remorse, has done what you've asked her to do (other than tell you the full truth) and wants to fix her marriage and be a good wife. My guess is that she is afraid to tell you the truth because she thinks that, if she does, you will take it badly and perhaps even divorce her.
> .
> .
> .
> ...


Carmen, I don't disagree, but I've been down that road with no success.

If his wife is inclined to lie in response to something difficult, she is going to have a hard time changing. She most likely does keep the truth from OP because she fears what he would do with the information.

My wife told me in those exact words, she lied and she intentionally kept information from me because she feared what I would do with the information. She meant she was worried I would not do what she wanted, and she was worried I would leave the relationship.

Furthermore, one has to step away from one's own paradigm and consider it from the WS perspective. They are inherently dishonest. They view the world through those lenses. Thus they project onto other people the same thought process which they have, and so she will think he is lying when he says he will not apply penalties if she confesses. _She won't trust him because she knows she doesn't tell the truth herself_.

And/or she will see him as a naive fool, which is what her mindset was during the affair, and she'll have no problem continuing the lies.

I told my wife that this was the moment to tell me _anything_ and _everything_, without penalty. I told her I was willing to work on the relationship but only if I had open honesty from her. I explained my view that trust was the foundation of any relationship. She failed to come clean about stuff I later found out, and she perpetrated more lies over the next 18 months.

How does one know if WS is giving the full truth during such a conversation?

A significant positive of such a conversation is OP can draw a clear bold line in the sand. Any future lies = divorce. Future discovery of past lies = divorce. This, for me, has been valuable in my decision matrix whether to stay or leave.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Thor said:


> Carmen, I don't disagree, but I've been down that road with no success.
> 
> If his wife is inclined to lie in response to something difficult, she is going to have a hard time changing. She most likely does keep the truth from OP because she fears what he would do with the information.
> 
> ...


Thor,

I agree that the OP needs to make it clear to his FWW that lying in the future means the end of the marriage. But this can be said in different ways and, given everything he's told us about his FWW, especially that she has worked to improve the marriage, I believe in this case a softer approach is called for.

Maybe he should drop the bomb on her and give her an ultimatum. But he's told us that he won't have the cash for a polygraph test for another few months so, the question is, what's the best way to get her to be truthful now and what will improve the marriage if she does tell the truth.

He's heard both sides of the argument. Now it's up to the OP to choose the best course of action for him.

Thanks for reacting to my post with a different, and valid, point of view.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I can't wait for the OM's brother to fall in love and get screwed over by his chick. Phuckers that laugh at crap like this have it coming...its only a matter of time for the karma bus to come rolling in and that POS gets cheated on.

I bet his old lady is already cheating on him (if he even has one) the POS sound like a real winner.

I hope the temp agency lets him go.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

First off had a wonderful weekend, we sat and talked about everything for almost 2 hrs. She told me how she has been ashamed of what she done, and her biggest fear with telling me the truth was that I would make her feel worse bye saying "I told you so". She had EA's early in the relationship and I told her some guys just wont stop at a EA's and she would end up cheating or being raped, i use to be bad about tossing the EA's in her face. 

We where having problems at the time of her cheating, she had a friend who was filling her head with BS. Stuff like marriage is only a piece of paper do what you want, would tell her I was her husband not a slave owner if she wanted to be gonna all day and come back at night that was her business. I was doing everything i could to keep her away from this friend (who is in a open marriage). One of our biggest problems at this time was the friend having her believe that EA's was not cheating.

During this time i seen a darker side of my wife, an almost ****ty side. Started dressing in low cut shirts when she go out, starting acting like the friend. After the affair she cut tie's with the friend and part of the talk we had this weekend was her partly tossing the blame of what happened on the old friend as well, she told me when she was with the OM all she could think about is how wrong what she was doing was but ****** could do it why cant she, why did it feel wrong if ****** done this kinda stuff all the time?

After the talk going over everything, we watched TV in each others arms had a few drinks and enjoyed the night.



the guy said:


> I can't wait for the OM's brother to fall in love and get screwed over by his chick. Phuckers that laugh at crap like this have it coming...its only a matter of time for the karma bus to come rolling in and that POS gets cheated on.
> 
> I bet his old lady is already cheating on him (if he even has one) the POS sound like a real winner.
> 
> I hope the temp agency lets him go.



This POS and his Brother (the OM) have bragged in the past about how they dont have G/F's they only have booty calls no one is gonna tie them down. I see this for what it is 30-40 years old and still cant find someone to put up with them for more then a few sec's.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Did she confess anything more?


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

carmen ohio said:


> Dear akasephiroth,
> 
> You're getting a lot of pressure to polygraph test your former wayward wife (FWW) immediately. While I understand why people are saying this and agree that it is often advisable, I think in your case it may not be, at least not yet.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I think your the first post ive seen that someone trully understands whats going on. For the past 2 years this whole thing has been outta sight outta mind, She has been the most faithful wife anyone can ask for. She is a stay at home mom until she finishes her degree. Before Affair i would always get the grief about all I done was yard work and pay bills. Before the affair there was my money that paid bills then there was her money that bought what ever she wanted. She was not devoted to the marriage 100% she took the joke whats mine is hers and whats her's is her's to heart. For the past 2 years ive seen a woman who really loves her husband 2 kids and life. Just last year for the first time in 7 she defended me as a great father and husband when her mom tried to down me. (mom-in-law told wife i didn't need a vacation since they had cut my hours down to 32 hrs at the time). 

For the last 2 years she has showed me love. Texting me and random hours just to say I love you, small things like that. When we dated I was it, she couldn't stand to be apart from me for too long, we have got back to that in a more mature way. If i knew 2 years ago what I know now i would never have fought her on the divorce, and we would not be together today. With that said, today other then what recently happened ive been happier, we have less money then 4-5 years ago, we have sex almost daily, we do everything together (from fishing, hunting to video games and tv), and we end every day with a breakdown of how the others day went.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

warlock07 said:


> Did she confess anything more?


She still says it was a one time thing, no relationship says she knows that her EA with the OM is what lead to the PA. She admitted to attending a club with the old friend soon after the affair and said the Old friend left her there alone and went off with a guy she only knew a few mins and that was what done in the friendship. She told me her parents had set her up on a date not 2 weeks after being split up, with her step-daddy's bosses son. Told me they had planed dinner and a movie but that night after dinner she told him something came up and drove 50 miles to surprise me as i got off work. (I thought she had just come to pick up the kids some cloths and one thing lead to another). 

I told her i didn't believe the one time because i knew that she had contact with the OM after the event she admitted too, she is sticking bye her guns claiming it was only 1 time and after that she was more or less a taxi service for the guy because he treated to help me get custody of the kid if she didn't "help him get on his feet".


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Gee. I wish I had caught on to my ex wife's cheating after the first time. Maybe she wouldn't have ended up having the 2nd guy's kid or even ended up meeting the fifth one to have her 2nd child she insisted were mine.
Who knows? Maybe we'd still be together. (NOT)


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

akasephiroth said:


> I told her i didn't believe the one time because i knew that she had contact with the OM after the event she admitted too, *she is sticking bye her guns claiming it was only 1 time and after that she was more or less a taxi service for the guy because he treated to help me get custody of the kid if she didn't "help him get on his feet"*.


Sorry man, but you are deluding yourself, think this rationally, if he had power over her to blackmail her, what you think most men will do, ask for rides or ask for dirty sex, i think you know the answer (more him being the kind of scum you describe).

i really doubt this blackmail version, she is holding that card so later when you find out it was more than one time, she will say that was being blackmailed and did not wanted to tell you to not hurt you more.

think again if he had that power over her, why just push for rides, why not money, all your electronics to sell them, more sex, etc, that kind of POS will even wh**re her to other men as his brother if he had the chance to do it.

even if the affair ended the OM could kept blackmailing her about reporting her to child protective services.

I think you knew it was lie when she told you she was raped, that is why you really did not take action as any man would if our woman is victim os such a crime and we know the criminal (minimum reporting him to the police).

I think that you know there is more than what she is telling you, and the blackmail dont make sense to you, but you are happy with your current wife so you dont want to kept uncovering painful facts.

but building your reconciliation over lies will just lead to the destruction of the marriage.

i wish you good luck you sound like a nice guy but you seem to be ignoring what really happened to continue with the status quo

i am not a BS trying to ruin your marriage for bitternes, i was an OM for one married woman one time, and it took all my will force to not return to her knowing i could have all the sex i wanted just by reaching her (and this was posible because my family suffered from infidelity, and i had really a strong set of morals), i dont see that a POSOM like the one you mentioned could just forget sex after one time and more if he had power over her (or if he had her under the EA spell)


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