# Can't get over this EA:(



## CallyGirl (Jul 10, 2012)

I am 34 Years old and have been married for 14 years and we have 2 kids A few years ago I started to feel like I might not love him as much as I did when we first got married. I felt like I was missing something in my life. I loved him but felt like I was falling out of love. I did nothing and kept it to myself for about 4 years. We are best friends and we have so much in common and the passion is still there, but I still felt like I was missing something. 

Everything changed this year though, my husband had decided to change his job for about the 10th time and I became angry because it put us in a very bad finacial state. But still didnt really let him know how I was feeling. I started to stay on facebook alot, and a ex messaged me and we started talking about the past at first and then we started flirting and we exchanged emails. We really mainly talked about life in general, but would throw in a what if we stayed together. He is also married of 11 years(to his high school sweetheart). It just kept getting deeper, he would tell me that he thought I was beautiful and he really wanted to see me. He lives a few hundred miles away but was out of the country when we started talking. We talked for hours through facebook for about 4 days and then I told him that I was really feeling guilty and I loved my husband and we needed to let this go.He said that he agreed But wanted to stay in touch just a little. We went 2 days and I messaged him and we tried to keep it very friendship like but within a hour or so it was right back and we were planning on meeting when he got back home. We saw each other 2 days while he was here and we only kissed. He told me that he was ready to leave his wife but just didnt know how he should do it. I never told him that I was thinking of leaving my husband.
I ended up sending a message saying that we should just be friends because I felt like I was lying to everyone I loved. He agreed. I ended up sending an email a week later asking him how he was and he didnt respond. So I took that as he was trying to move on the only way he could. But I was crushed.

Then he sent an email 3 weeks later saying he still felt very strongly for me and wanted to continue to talk to me. We talked for 2 months through facebook and it got to where we were talking about having a full on affair. I sent him an email saying that my husband was starting to act strange(I lied)and That I needed some time and I ended up totally deleting my facebook and the email, without telling him goodbye.

My relationship has gotten stronger with my husband. I realized that I had taken him for granted. But also that I needed to let him know that I was feeling insecure about his new job and our financial future. We really talked about it and I actually can say that I am begining to feel like I'm falling back in love with him.

But, I can't get the Ex off my mind. I don't feel like I want to continue anything with him at all but I do hate how I ended it without a true goodbye, maybe unfinished in his mind.

I guess my question is will this fade? Will I stop thinking I might see him? Should I send him an email saying that it was all a mistake and I can't ever talk to him or see him again?

Thanks so much
Cally


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## viggling (Apr 27, 2012)

so you want to eat cake??? they are a ex for a reason .. if you want it to fade then it will BUT, if you want it to continue then it will .. you are the one controling it .. 

run fast away from ruining your marrage


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Yeah, you did the right thing in ending it abruptly like that. In time, your feelings will fade for your ex. Focus on your husband. Don't open that door again. Even if you were "meant to be", do you really think when it came to it, after he managed to get in your pants, that he would really leave his wife and kids for you? Come on. He would have gotten what he wanted, and run back to his wife. That's all he's trying to do, he was just saying what you wanted to hear.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

CallyGirl said:


> We saw each other 2 days while he was here and we only kissed.
> Cally


Is this making you feel guilty? Actually meeting for 2 days and just kissing is a very appreciable fact. Most of them can't control it like this.

*Any affair outside of marriage will never give you sustaining pleasure. It destroys lives of at least four persons.* 

Whatever that has happened, you must tell your husband - Even if you do not state it here fully. He deserves to know the truth.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Before the birth of my son I used to smoke 40 cigarettes a day.
Did that mean my cigarettes and I were meant to be??


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Closure/good bye is a myth. You are still infatuated nad foggie from this. Stay NC, withdrawal will pass. You need to start diggin within to fix whatever is broken there. 
Not speaking to your husband about your strugles screams conflict avoidance. You need to fix this. It's a recipe for disaster. Leart to stand up nad comunicate with him.
Stay away from FB
Red Not Just friends (Shirley Glass).

Stay NC, lifelong.


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## CallyGirl (Jul 10, 2012)

akashNil said:


> Is this making you feel guilty? Actually meeting for 2 days and just kissing is a very appreciable fact. Most of them can't control it like this.
> 
> *Any affair outside of marriage will never give you sustaining pleasure. It destroys lives of at least four persons.*
> 
> Whatever that has happened, you must tell your husband - Even if you do not state it here fully. He deserves to know the truth.



I totally understand anyone reading this would not believe that we met 2 different times and nothing sexual happened. But, it is the truth. And yes I am feeling guilty about the whole situation I put myself in. I am at fault here and I take full responsiblity for my actions but I'm not sure the best answer is to tell my husband. I have considered it several times but I know that it would hurt him so much I would rather deal with the guilt.


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## CallyGirl (Jul 10, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Closure/good bye is a myth. You are still infatuated nad foggie from this. Stay NC, withdrawal will pass. You need to start diggin within to fix whatever is broken there.
> Not speaking to your husband about your strugles screams conflict avoidance. You need to fix this. It's a recipe for disaster. Leart to stand up nad comunicate with him.
> Stay away from FB
> Red Not Just friends (Shirley Glass).
> ...


I am glad you brought up closure, because I guess that was my big thing,giving the situation closure. It has been over 2 months since I deleted my email and facebook and yes it has faded but thoughts of him will pop into my head from time to time. I tried on a couple of occasions to end it with we can be friends which didnt work..I have never really experienced true heartbreak(being that I married my HS sweetheart) and have never loved anyone else. So I have never ended a relationship without a goodbye and on good terms. But I do know that I did what is best for my marriage by ending it this way.

As to the marrage problems. I agree with everything you said. I have discussed my feelings with my husband and I didnt really realize that I had so much anger bottled up until I found my voice. I guess I always thought that what I was feeling would pass and they were little things but they all built up over time.

But through all of this I have realized how much I took my husband for granted. I have realized that he is my best friend and I should be able to tell him anything thats bothering me without thinking he might get mad or think that what I was feeling is stupid.

Anyway thx geat advice


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

With this EA/PA and everything else in life you are curious about do not get to try, the grass is and always will be greener. So, you may not lose the feelings. But, it is more likely a temporary crush that recedes.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

CallyGirl said:


> I totally understand anyone reading this would not believe that we met 2 different times and nothing sexual happened. But, it is the truth. And yes I am feeling guilty about the whole situation I put myself in. I am at fault here and I take full responsiblity for my actions but I'm not sure the best answer is to tell my husband. I have considered it several times but I know that it would hurt him so much I would rather deal with the guilt.


Cally,

I predict the guilt is going to eat you up alive. And sooner or later you are going to have that conversation with your husband.

And about he OM, never contact him again. It will not help either of you.

Focus on you and your marriage.

HM64

PS
The longer you wait to tell your husband the longer it will take for you to recover from it and for him to accept what you did. Do not wait!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The anatomy of an affair is perfectly spelled out in this post.


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## CallyGirl (Jul 10, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Yeah, you did the right thing in ending it abruptly like that. In time, your feelings will fade for your ex. Focus on your husband. Don't open that door again. Even if you were "meant to be", do you really think when it came to it, after he managed to get in your pants, that he would really leave his wife and kids for you? Come on. He would have gotten what he wanted, and run back to his wife. That's all he's trying to do, he was just saying what you wanted to hear.


I know he would have never left his family for me and I would have never left my family for him. I guess I was looking for an escape from the real world. The "meant to be" talk was just talk. At one time, yes my judgement was clouded and we both said things that we never truely meant. Thx for the advice


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

I realize that you're trying to repair your marriage but it can only happen once the whole truth is on the table.

You don't want to live a lie for the rest of your life do you??


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## CallyGirl (Jul 10, 2012)

SprucHub said:


> With this EA/PA and everything else in life you are curious about do not get to try, the grass is and always will be greener. So, you may not lose the feelings. But, it is more likely a temporary crush that recedes.


I think you hit the nail on the head. Curious is the perfect word to describe what I have went through the past few years. Curious to whether I married the right person. Curious to whether I love my husband the way others love their significant other. Because I do love him. But I was so young when we dated that its been a different type of relationship throughout our whole dating years(5yrs) and marriage than others experience when they meet their love when they are an adult and have been in several other relationships and experienced different types of love before they found the right one. I believe we are friends before lovers. And I know in the long run this type of relationship is what lasts 60+ years.

Confused is another word to describe how I have felt the last few years. Because I know I love my husband and when I imagine myself in 30 years I see me sitting by him on the front porch. We never lost passion or the simple romance like holding hands. And I have always loved being with him. So I have been confused by me being curious and wondering if the grass was greener.

I could go on and on but anyway
Thanks so much


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## CallyGirl (Jul 10, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> I realize that you're trying to repair your marriage but it can only happen once the whole truth is on the table.
> 
> You don't want to live a lie for the rest of your life do you??


Do I want to live a lie the rest of my life?NO
But I'm scared that this stupid thing I did will crush my husband. And yes I'm scared that it will change my marriage and the way my husband looks at me.
I guess I'm just scared of everything that could happen.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

CallyGirl said:


> I totally understand anyone reading this would not believe that we met 2 different times and nothing sexual happened. But, it is the truth.


I would believe that nothing happened except for you say in your post you DID kiss him. So don't sugarcoat it. 

Just clarifying.

Until you can own fully what you've done, you face an uphill battle.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

It's natural, IMO, if you've been with the person since you were a kid, to be curious.


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## CallyGirl (Jul 10, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I would believe that nothing happened except for you say in your post you DID kiss him. So don't sugarcoat it.
> 
> Just clarifying.
> 
> Until you can own fully what you've done, you face an uphill battle.


I'm not sure what your asking/stating. 

I did state that We kissed. We met on 2 different days. The first day, we just talked. The next day we talked and before I left he kissed me. Did I tell him I couldn't? NO. Did I stop him? NO.
But am I sugarcoating?NO

What you quoted was me stating that nothing sexual happened. And nothing did. I do know that if I had not stop talking to him and decided to see him again before I cut all contact that yes we would have had sex. I'm not saying that it never crossed my mind, because I would be lying.

I fully take responibility for putting myself in this situation. It was not the OM fault that I kept this thing going as long as it did. He only was doing what he needed to do to get what he wanted. It was my fault and I am dealing with it now. 

If you believe that more happened than what I stated. I understand, thats your right to believe whatever you would like.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

CallyGirl said:


> Do I want to live a lie the rest of my life?NO
> But I'm scared that this stupid thing I did will crush my husband. And yes I'm scared that it will change my marriage and the way my husband looks at me.
> I guess I'm just scared of everything that could happen.


The fear is understandible and valid. The reality is it probably will crush him (and if he doesn't care, well then, that's a red flag in itself.) You WANT him to care, and you want him to know. Believe me, you coming clean with him before he finds out for himself is SO MUCH more of a trust builder than if somehow it comes out without you 'fessing up. (And the truth always comes out -- this life or the next, just the way it is.) There are so many of us here that wish our spouses/sig others had fessed up and stopped things on their own without us having to discover it for ourselves. Believe me, that is sooooo much worse. Also, you should know, the more you confess to your husband, the stronger the implosion of your attraction to the OM. Confession often bursts the bubble. In "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, she talks about full disclosure and building a wall around you and your spouse with open windows into each other's lives. The wall keeps the AP on the outside and the confession breaks down the wall you built between you and your spouse. 

Hope this helps


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

My wife kept her infidelity from me for about three years, so maybe I can give you some perspective.

First, it was very obvious to me that she had been hiding something all that time. Your husband may not be on to you, but then again he might. I didn't have any hard proof, so aside from randomly divorcing her, there wasn't much I could do. But it was very obvious. She was eat up with guilt, and eventually she wouldn't let herself be close to me emotionally or sexually because that guilt turned into this huge wall between us. I didn't know what it was, I just thought I'd married someone who was emotionally distant. Like I said, though, I knew something was up. I now refer to those years as the "lost years" of our marriage.

Second, I found out through an unrelated and completely unexpected set of events. Way too complicated to describe here, but suffice it to say that oftentimes these things come out in ways and at times that you would never expect. You would hate to finally put these feelings behind you and then your H suddenly finds out unexpectedly and you have to go through this all over again.

Third, your H is currently living a lie. I don't mean to offend, but it's true. The truth is you're scamming your husband right now. He's currently in a binding partnership with you without your full disclosure, and that's not fair to him.

Will your husband be crushed? Yes, very likely. Might he leave you? Yes. But wouldn't you rather that was his decision to make on his own than staying with you because he doesn't know the full truth?


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## CallyGirl (Jul 10, 2012)

Davelli0331 said:


> Third, your H is currently living a lie. I don't mean to offend, but it's true. The truth is you're scamming your husband right now. He's currently in a binding partnership with you without your full disclosure, and that's not fair to him.
> 
> Will your husband be crushed? Yes, very likely. Might he leave you? Yes. But wouldn't you rather that was his decision to make on his own than staying with you because he doesn't know the full truth?


Thank You so much for sharing this with me. I know it's only right for me to tell my Husband the truth and I know that it will only be worse if he found out by someone else. It's just so confusing to say the least.

I am a little different than your wife was toward my husband. I am actually more affectionate than I was before. Now during the EA I was very distant but we also had huge financial problems going on and he thought that was the reason why I was being distant. And even during all of this I told him I loved him all the time. Because I did and do.

Again thank you so much for sharing. I have thought a lot about telling him and I know I will I just have to fing the courage to do it.


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## CallyGirl (Jul 10, 2012)

thesunwillcomeout said:


> The fear is understandible and valid. The reality is it probably will crush him (and if he doesn't care, well then, that's a red flag in itself.) You WANT him to care, and you want him to know. Believe me, you coming clean with him before he finds out for himself is SO MUCH more of a trust builder than if somehow it comes out without you 'fessing up. (And the truth always comes out -- this life or the next, just the way it is.) There are so many of us here that wish our spouses/sig others had fessed up and stopped things on their own without us having to discover it for ourselves. Believe me, that is sooooo much worse. Also, you should know, the more you confess to your husband, the stronger the implosion of your attraction to the OM. Confession often bursts the bubble. In "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, she talks about full disclosure and building a wall around you and your spouse with open windows into each other's lives. The wall keeps the AP on the outside and the confession breaks down the wall you built between you and your spouse.
> 
> Hope this helps


Thanks. This does help a lot.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/49559-i-cheated-my-husband-6-years.html

Go through this thread will you? Its about another woman who's having an EA+PA, it'll help you understand the kind of destruction that can occur.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

The secret is what is keeping your EA "hot"--- once you share with your husband what happened (although that burden transfer really sucks) will deflate that fantasy. 

You are supposed to be scared because a great risk is involved. Your husband could lose all faith in your ability to be honest and trustworthy. The bigger crime is the fact that you didn't share your feelings of discontent in the first place and allowed yourself to cross multiple boundaries because it felt delicious. 

Read up on the brain drug connection of EA as well....that goes really far to explain the weird obsession to continue a EA and prop it up on a romantic idealized pedestal.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

CallyGirl,

I know what your thinking is.

My wife told me that she thought - her EA- "it was not relevant to tell me. I would see her with a low eye."

I asked her: are you married to me, if you share bed with me, why should not you share. 

In fact, she did more damage to me, by hiding things. Now, I feel that she would hide anything...

I hope you see the point.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw Cally, you crossed the PA lone when you accepted the lip lock. A peck on the cheek isn't sexual. His mouth on your mouth going at each other is sexual. Don't think so? Then tell your husband he is free to do it with any woman he wants to lock lips with.

Your husband is the 3rd person in his marriage. Trouble is the guy has no idea of this. He doesn't know you are emotionally opening up to the OM, and he doesn't know youve slipped out to meet up with you OM twice now. He also doesn't know that OM is aggressively grooming you and pushing you to have a full on sexual affair and to leave your husband.

The OM has a simple goal: get you in bed and end your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

CallyGirl said:


> Do I want to live a lie the rest of my life?NO
> But I'm scared that this stupid thing I did will crush my husband. And yes I'm scared that it will change my marriage and the way my husband looks at me.
> I guess I'm just scared of everything that could happen.


a little late to be thinking about these things now. If you thought of these earlier maybe you would have not started this mess. you alreardy changed the marriage, now give your husband control of his life back. from now on worry about the consequences before an action not after. everyday you continue not to tell you are cheating him again.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You did really well to stop the affair before it went much further. But how are you sure that this won't happen again? Maybe the next time it would be much easier since you would be resuming it from where you left off this time. You might reach out to the OM once again during a stressful period in your marriage for support. Most affairs start very innocently with the most honest intentions. How should your H guard against that lying person you would have become ? Think about it. You are capable of deceit. He does not know about the affair because he trusts you. How would you protect him from you? 

And what about the scenario where OM's wife finds out about the affair and calls your H? It would be much harder to convince him that you just kissed even after meeting twice. He will never be sure what you guys did.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CallyGirl said:


> Thank You so much for sharing this with me. I know it's only right for me to tell my Husband the truth and I know that it will only be worse if he found out by someone else. It's just so confusing to say the least.
> 
> I am a little different than your wife was toward my husband. I am actually more affectionate than I was before. Now during the EA I was very distant but we also had huge financial problems going on and he thought that was the reason why I was being distant. And even during all of this I told him I loved him all the time. Because I did and do.
> 
> Again thank you so much for sharing. I have thought a lot about telling him and I know I will I just have to fing the courage to do it.


What is confusing about it? Telling him? For me, that wasn't confusing. That was painful. But I knew I needed to in order to move forward, whatever he would decide. 

I was distant during my EAs. We had financial troubles too. I told him I love him, everyday. Guess what? Deep down, he knew there was something else. He had asked me a couple times "are we ok?"... and I LIED and told him we were fine. I resented him for a number of things... many of which I blew out of proportions. The thing is, I did love him, even during the EAs. Everyone around me could see it, but they "understood" my frustrations. We are on the road to recovery now. It's been 3 1/2 months since D-day for him and me both. It's not easy, but we are plugging along. Some days are better than others.

Regarding the OM...seriously, do NOT try closure. I know, many have stated this and I can't remember if you responded to it. But the bottom line is to treat the OM like a black hole. Yes, it is hard. Believe me. But it does get easier in time. I promise. There are days that something hits me and I get depressed all over again, but then I remember the amazing man I married, who has forgiven me. My self control sucks. I am still working on getting it back on track. But, the fact is, I don't trust myself. Which is why I keep everything open for him to access. 

Anyway, Cally, I know you are scared. But you will get thru this. I promise. But you need to be prepared for the possibility of your husband saying to leave. Trust me, he knows something is/was wrong. I would be more surprised if he DIDN'T suspect something was up.


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## CallyGirl (Jul 10, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> What is confusing about it? Telling him? For me, that wasn't confusing. That was painful. But I knew I needed to in order to move forward, whatever he would decide.


Thank you for SHARING your story with me.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

CallyGirl said:


> Do I want to live a lie the rest of my life?NO
> But I'm scared that this stupid thing I did will crush my husband. And yes I'm scared that it will change my marriage and the way my husband looks at me.
> I guess I'm just scared of everything that could happen.


What you are essentially saying here is that you care more about yourself than you do about your husband. The marriage is already changed- you're simply not allowing your husband to perceive it. You're worried he'll look at you different- do you think that you deserve better than to be viewed different? What you really mean is that you don't want to suffer the natural consequences of your infidelity. I think you're really just worried about yourself, and your own prospective happiness. 

But you should never marry because you want to be happy. You should marry because you want to make someone else happy. 

The longer you wait to tell him, the worse it's going to be. Because when he finds out (and he will), one of the things he will weigh is _*how long you waited to tell him*_. 

"Wow. She was keeping this from me all this time? What kind of emotional fortitude (or emotional depravity rather) would that require? Wouldn't someone else be overcome with guilt? What does it say about her that she wasn't so horrified by her sin that she didn't immediately come to me?"

I promise you, every second you're waiting makes the impending, inevitable fallout worse and worse. The longer you wait, the more inhuman you seem.

I wish you luck and mercy. I hope I don't come across as too rigid or indignant; I mean well for you. And I also believe there is a way to salvage this, I am certain. But it starts with candor and most of all, _*accountability*_. You got here in the first place because you found ways to circumvent accountability. 

Stop digging. Be a person.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Come on Cally. Now is the time. Do not be afraid. In fact telling the truth should feel great.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallyGirl (Jul 10, 2012)

I talked with my husband this weekend and told him everything. He is very angry and hurt. I told him that I ended it over 2 months ago and had not had any contact with OM at all. It crushed me to tell him and see that I hurt him in this way.
We are working on getting through this.He did know that something was wrong. He said that he didnt have any idea that it was an affair but he realized I was very distant at times. And he said he was wandering why I had deleted my facebook all of the sudden(which I thought about but didnt think he even noticed)
We talked about everything else also, about me hiding my feelings about everything. I know this is far from over, and he will probably only become more angry this week while he's working and able to think about it more.
I have let him have all my account passwords. Which is actually only this site because I deleted everything else and he already had my passwords to my regular email.

What else can I do to show him the affair is over and has been over for more than 2 months?

Thanks so much to everyone. Your stories help me get the courage to tell my husband.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Cally, do you feel a weight off your shoulders? 

You'll find that now the OM does not have as strong as a hold on you as you previously thought.

Well for starters perhaps you can advise your husband to join TAM


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## CallyGirl (Jul 10, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> What you are essentially saying here is that you care more about yourself than you do about your husband. The marriage is already changed- you're simply not allowing your husband to perceive it. You're worried he'll look at you different- do you think that you deserve better than to be viewed different? What you really mean is that you don't want to suffer the natural consequences of your infidelity. I think you're really just worried about yourself, and your own prospective happiness.
> 
> But you should never marry because you want to be happy. You should marry because you want to make someone else happy.
> 
> Stop digging. Be a person.


While I was writing that I did tell my husband this weekend, you wrote this comment. Yes I understand what You are saying but I DO NOt agree with everything you said here. I did married my husband so I could make him happy. Of course I DID..Was I thinking of only him while I was having an affair?NO.... I am HUMAN...I made a huge mistake, and I am sorry for it.


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## CallyGirl (Jul 10, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> Cally, do you feel a weight off your shoulders?
> 
> You'll find that now the OM does not have as strong as a hold on you as you previously thought.
> 
> Well for starters perhaps you can advise your husband to join TAM


Yes your right the weigh of the affair is off my shoulders. I do feel better by telling him the truth. And I can honestly say that because I cut off all contact with OM over 2 months ago, I realized that it wasn't him that had the hold on me. It was that I was not being myself around my husband or anyone for the last several months.

I have told him about TAM. I told him that this was where I found the strength to tell him...

Again thx to everyone


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

CallyGirl said:


> I totally understand anyone reading this would not believe that we met 2 different times and nothing sexual happened. But, it is the truth.


You are quite correct, it is not very believable. Especially since he's your ex that you have prior history with.

It was a good move on your part to tell him though. Just to make sure he knows everything: if anything else pops up down the road, it will be a major setback.


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## CallyGirl (Jul 10, 2012)

snap said:


> You are quite correct, it is not very believable. Especially since he's your ex that you have prior history with.
> 
> It was a good move on your part to tell him though. Just to make sure he knows everything: if anything else pops up down the road, it will be a major setback.


I do realize that it is very unbelievable that we could have met and just talked and a kiss, being that we are ex's. But, an ex for me was when I was very young. Before I was 15. I met my husband when I was 15 years old. So there was NO sexual history with him or any other EX of mine... 

I am very glad that I did stop it before it went any further. And I am feeling like I did several years ago, before I starting hiding my feeling from my husband. I'm still not sure way I started to do that in the first place...


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Here are some things my wife did that helped me realize that she was sorry and that she really wanted to R. YMMV.

- She cut off ties to former toxic friends (this may not apply to you)
- _She_ asked _me_ to go to marriage counseling, along with IC for her
- She read several books on relationships, affairs, how they start, etc, and every night in bed we talked about what we'd read and how it applied to our marriage and the present situation (I was reading books, too)
- _This is very important: _She answered every question I had. Sometimes I'd pop up at 3AM, my mind racing, and I'd wake her up and ask her more questions. BC my wife hid it from me, I began to question even the smallest details, why'd she do this two years ago, why'd she say that 6 mos ago, who was she really out with 4 years ago. She answered every question I asked, no matter how far-flung they got.
- She became far more open to me about her feelings. The distance that had grown between us didn't just encompass her affair, it was everything.

My wife was raised in a home where neither of her parents really talk about their feelings, at least not in front of her. My in-laws actually have a very good marriage, I think they were just very careful about not airing that sort of thing out where the kids could hear it. Regardless, my wife grew up thinking that being a strong woman means never talking about her feelings. Because she never talked about her feelings, she never really examined them, either. Over the years she actually became afraid of them, afraid of what she might find out about herself. Because of that, learning to talk about her feelings was almost as painful for her as the admission of her infidelity. None of that may really apply to you, just some personal perspective.


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## CallyGirl (Jul 10, 2012)

Davelli0331 said:


> Here are some things my wife did that helped me realize that she was sorry and that she really wanted to R. YMMV.
> 
> - She cut off ties to former toxic friends (this may not apply to you)
> - _She_ asked _me_ to go to marriage counseling, along with IC for her
> ...


This actually sounds a lot like my situation. My mom and dad never seemed to argue while I was growing up and when my mom did discuss her feelings it seemed to make my dad mad. So I learned that was how you functioned a "Happy" marriage, to just mostly hide your feelings, smile and everything will work out...My mom did not work and since I have become an adult I have realized that she always felt that she had no say in what happened financially because of that. And my dad had a temper and she never wanted to make him angry.
My children are more than likely learning the same thing,and even though I wish I realized this without the affair but I am glad I have realized that this is just as toxic as parents that yell and cuss at each other in front of their children.

I still don't understand why I hide my feelings from my husband. He is the most understanding and loving person I know. My husband is nothing like my dad. And I work full-time, But I have always felt like if my husband wanted to buy a new car, boat etc...even if I knew it would put us in deeper debt, I wouldn't say anything negative, I would just go along with it.

I did answer any question he had for me. I thought it might be a good idea to go to marriage counseling and he agreed. I havn't read any books yet. I have seen a few suggestions for"Not just Friends". Do you have any other suggestions?
Your story help me a lot. Thank you. I know I have a long road in front of me.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

CallyGirl said:


> This actually sounds a lot like my situation. My mom and dad never seemed to argue while I was growing up and when my mom did discuss her feelings it seemed to make my dad mad. So I learned that was how you functioned a "Happy" marriage, to just mostly hide your feelings, smile and everything will work out...My mom did not work and since I have become an adult I have realized that she always felt that she had no say in what happened financially because of that. And my dad had a temper and she never wanted to make him angry.
> My children are more than likely learning the same thing,and even though I wish I realized this without the affair but I am glad I have realized that this is just as toxic as parents that yell and cuss at each other in front of their children.
> 
> I still don't understand why I hide my feelings from my husband. He is the most understanding and loving person I know. My husband is nothing like my dad. And I work full-time, But I have always felt like if my husband wanted to buy a new car, boat etc...even if I knew it would put us in deeper debt, I wouldn't say anything negative, I would just go along with it.


For my W, I think it was a mixture of reasons why she never talked to me about her feelings. Part of it was habit, growing up never really sharing her feelings with anyone. Part of it I think was trust. There's an implicit trust between spouses when sharing your feelings, trust that the other one won't go running for the hills. My wife didn't have that trust for me, and so she was too afraid to tell me anything for fear of scaring me off. That was partially my fault, too, for not letting her know she could trust me in those things.

The problem with not sharing your feelings is that the other party carries on thinking everything is ok. You start to feel resentment bc either a) your spouse isn't reading your mind and figuring out that things aren't ok or b) you feel like you're giving up a huge part of yourself to make your spouse happy.

Our MCer called it the "Southern Belle" syndrome, and he described it as a woman that thinks that being a good wife means never arguing, always being supportive even when you think your husband is wrong, never speaking up about your feelings, etc. My wife and I saw and you're probably seeing the flaws in that way of thinking. The trick is learning to communicate these things to each other in non-judgmental ways so that you actually listen to each other instead of trying to defend your positions.



CallyGirl said:


> I did answer any question he had for me. I thought it might be a good idea to go to marriage counseling and he agreed. I havn't read any books yet. I have seen a few suggestions for"Not just Friends". Do you have any other suggestions?
> Your story help me a lot. Thank you. I know I have a long road in front of me.


My wife read "Not Just Friends". It was an eye-opener for her. A little more background that may not be relevant to you, but my wife was a late bloomer. She didn't start attracting sexual attention until senior year of HS and college. Because of that, she'd grown up having lots of guy friends but very few boyfriends. Bc she'd had so many guy friends, she never really learned proper boundaries with the opposite sex, and once she did start attracting that kind of attention, her lack of boundaries got her into some bad predicaments and she then made some bad decisions. "Not Just Friends" helped her realize those dangers.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You need to adress your conflict avoidance and learn how to evercome it. It goes beyond nfidelity. IT will be bad for you and every relationship in the future (I hope just your marriage).

The basics:
*NC – No Contact* - That means exactly what it says. None. Nada. None at all, no chats, no calls, no texting, nothing. It must become zero contact until or unless it is explicitly approved by your BS. 

*Total Honesty* - This might be the most difficult part to master in the first days following D-day. After all, in the process of having our affairs, we all mastered the skill of lying to our spouses and to ourselves. Now is the time to learn how to be honest again. No trickle truthing. No telling “little white lies” to protect yourself or your BS from the hurt that you think she will feel if you tell her the truth. You might as well hear it now. The truth will come out no matter how hard you try to hide it. It will hurt less in the long run if it comes out now instead of in dribs and drabs. As most of the WS will be able to tell you from firsthand experience, each TT event resets the marriage clock back to zero again! You do not want to be Bill Murray in the Groundhog Day movie. 
*Perseverance* – It will cost your tears but have courage. You will feel like a yo-yo some days and on other days, the journey will be like a roller coaster. And you must remember that if it feels like **** to you, it’s 100 times worse for your BS. Here is a quote that will help you keep that in perspective. 
*Communication* - Don’t argue or defend yourself. Just be honest and open. Talk and talk some more with your BS to rebuild your marriage. They need to see not just “I’m sorry I got caught or I'm afraid of the consequences” but she needs to see full and total remorse. The kind of remorse that will come from within when you feel their pain and understand, really understand how you betrayed him and you cry for him, not yourself. Don’t blame shift, don’t become defensive. Talk and be honest with them and yourself. 
*Accept the Blame & Responsibility* – The affair was/is your choice. No blame shifting or excuses. Owe up to it. The hard part is to accept that “how to handle the fallout from your affair” will be your BS’s decision. It may not be the one that you wish he made. Respect his choice, no matter if it hurts. After all, he deserves a shot at making a unilateral decision after the affair because you made a unilateral decision to start the affair. You have the greatest responsibility to repair your mistake. Don’t make him the victim in this. 

*Discover the WHY of the affair* – This might be the hardest part of the whole process. You had the affair for a reason. Find out why and either fix it or leave the marriage. You can’t expect your BS to stay with damaged goods forever. Get IC and self help books, whatever. You can do it. This is great starting place for information and advice and support. You need to become somone safe to be with even it menas protection from yourself and your weakness.
*No Destructive Behaviours* – no drinking, no drugs, no anger rants, no violence, no threats. Period. Chose wisely your friendships, more, find out what real friends mean. Get rid of toxic influences.
*Stand Firm in your Commitment* – Each and every day, you must face the monster in the mirror and recommit yourself to your future, to this journey, to your spouse, family and marriage. It’s something that can bring the hero out in us if we really want this


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## CallyGirl (Jul 10, 2012)

Davelli0331 said:


> For my W, I think it was a mixture of reasons why she never talked to me about her feelings. Part of it was habit, growing up never really sharing her feelings with anyone. Part of it I think was trust. There's an implicit trust between spouses when sharing your feelings, trust that the other one won't go running for the hills. My wife didn't have that trust for me, and so she was too afraid to tell me anything for fear of scaring me off. That was partially my fault, too, for not letting her know she could trust me in those things.
> 
> The problem with not sharing your feelings is that the other party carries on thinking everything is ok. You start to feel resentment bc either a) your spouse isn't reading your mind and figuring out that things aren't ok or b) you feel like you're giving up a huge part of yourself to make your spouse happy.
> 
> ...


 Yes "The Southern Belle" is what I would say I am. Yes Maam, Yes Sir. Always, (well until this year) putting my children and husband first, church, my work,children's activities, children's school, friends that are in need and putting myself totally last. I have also realized that I have to put myself somewhere at the top of my list to be able to take care of the people I love.

You mentioned that your wife bloomed later in life and that made her less aware of what boundries she should cross. I bloomed very early. Got a lot of attention early in Junior High. Some I enjoyed, some I didn't. I had guy friends and "boyfriends" and I knew the difference. I actually have a pretty big personal space guard up. Stemmed from my relationship with my mom and dad. Other than my close friends and Husband and children, most people would say I have a huge guard up.

Which I know that is why the relationship with the OM didnt go faster and more get physical than it did. So I guess I'm thankful for my guard... 

Did your wife have emotions involved with her affair? Or was it only physical?
I wondering because the emotional part is actually what my husband said hurts the most. That I could be open to OM but not to him. I guess like you said I had no fear that OM would be scared off and leave if he didn't like something I said.

Thanks again for sharing


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

A classic for wayward spouses:

*Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.* 
The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand. 

*YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT. *
They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible. 

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent? 

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?” 
The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse? 
Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.) 
But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery. 
*So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts: 
What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event. 

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal. 

You can be a positive influence on their recovery. 
Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue. 
Your first mission is to learn*. 

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through 
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time. 
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.” 
Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly. 
*SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS *
*DISBELIEF*: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.) 
*SHOCK*: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives. 
*REALITY*: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help. 
*CONFUSION*: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.) 
*PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS*: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.” 
*CRYING*: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.) 
*SELF-CONTROL*: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial. 
*NEED TO KNOW*: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it. 
Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful. 
*WHY*: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again. 
*INJUSTICE*: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.” 
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?” 
A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.) 
*INADEQUACY*: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more. 
*REPEATING*: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again. 
*IDEALIZING*: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner. 
*FRUSTRATION*: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others. 
*BITTERNESS*: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal. 
*WAITING*: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life. 
*EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT*: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking. 
*TRIGGERS*: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating. 
Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are. 

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again. 
It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time. 


*SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS? *
Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly. 
This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means *NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER. *

*GET INTO THERAPY*: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it. 
*APOLOGIZE*: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. 
*REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER*: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them. 
*HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING*: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency. 

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately. 
The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time. 
*SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM*: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again. 
*PHYSICAL CONTACT*: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want. 
*SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME*: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too. 
*LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT*: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you. 
*HERE’S A GREAT TIP*: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.” 
These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect 
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most 
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components: 
A statement of gratitude. 

An expression of your love. 
An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain. 
An admission that you caused their pain. 
An expression of your sense of shame. 
A promise that it will never happen again 
Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own. 


*SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS? *
*HOPE*: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care 
for others. 
*COMMITMENT*: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life. 
*SEEKING*: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They 
begin exploring new involvements. 
*PEACE*: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future. 
*LIFE OPENS UP*: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy. 
*FORGIVENESS*: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always. 
*Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly! *


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Cally,

Good for you! I am glad you put your big girl pants on.

Now go find a MC, book an appt. and let your husband know when the date is.

Take control of the R process and keep him up to speed on everything. Be an open book to alleviate his angst as best you can.

HM64


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Also read this:
How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair

A few books to read are:
Not just friends. Shirley Glass.
This little book has only 100 pages.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
There's also e-book version aviable at the autor's page: Here
In order to rebuild the marriage seek marriagebuilders material at their web (They have artiocles and quiestionnaires). There're also good books as her needs his needs, Love busters.
Another book is The five love languages.


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## CallyGirl (Jul 10, 2012)

Acabado said:


> You need to adress your conflict avoidance and learn how to evercome it. It goes beyond nfidelity. IT will be bad for you and every relationship in the future (I hope just your marriage).
> 
> The basics:
> *NC – No Contact* - That means exactly what it says. None. Nada. None at all, no chats, no calls, no texting, nothing. It must become zero contact until or unless it is explicitly approved by your BS.
> ...


I whole heartedly agree with everything you stated.
*NC*-was done over 2 months ago. 
*Honesty*-I have answered any questions my H had. And told him everything from when I started talking to OM on facebook,that I made up an different email to talk to OM, that I tried to "Kinda" cut it off after a few days but went right back to him,that we met 2 different times and we kissed,that I sent an email saying we should be just friends and he sent back after 3 weeks and I caved into him again,and I told him that We hade planned to meet again and have sex.
*Communication*-Is my big problem. I am working on it.

I am totally acepting the blame for what I did. And I guess there a re a number of reasons(will probably realize more) that I went looking for an escape.

Thank you so much


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

CallyGirl said:


> Did your wife have emotions involved with her affair? Or was it only physical?
> I wondering because the emotional part is actually what my husband said hurts the most. That I could be open to OM but not to him. I guess like you said I had no fear that OM would be scared off and leave if he didn't like something I said.
> 
> Thanks again for sharing


My wife's infidelity was strictly physical, so I'm afraid I can't comment on that. I actually posted a thread about it here several months ago when it all came out. Very complicated, and further complicated by the fact that my wife cheated on me with women 

Having been married to a woman who put up those walls and didn't talk about her feelings, I can honestly say that I would have felt far more betrayed if she'd had feelings for any of these people. That, for me, would have been a much deeper betrayal, bc how could she not be so emotionally intimate with me but had no problem opening up to relative strangers? Sex is sex, and yes that's bad, but giving your inner self to someone else is a different level IMO. You didn't just give physically to someone else, you gave emotionally, as well, all the while your husband wondering why you're being so distant, wondering what's wrong but figuring you'd let him know if anything was up. Not trying to guilt trip you, just trying to help you see his side.


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## CallyGirl (Jul 10, 2012)

Davelli0331 said:


> My wife's infidelity was strictly physical, so I'm afraid I can't comment on that. I actually posted a thread about it here several months ago when it all came out. Very complicated, and further complicated by the fact that my wife cheated on me with women
> 
> Having been married to a woman who put up those walls and didn't talk about her feelings, I can honestly say that I would have felt far more betrayed if she'd had feelings for any of these people. That, for me, would have been a much deeper betrayal, bc how could she not be so emotionally intimate with me but had no problem opening up to relative strangers? Sex is sex, and yes that's bad, but giving your inner self to someone else is a different level IMO. You didn't just give physically to someone else, you gave emotionally, as well, all the while your husband wondering why you're being so distant, wondering what's wrong but figuring you'd let him know if anything was up. Not trying to guilt trip you, just trying to help you see his side.


I don't really think I gave OM anything more than what anyone could have got off my facebook. I never told him what was going on in my marriage. But I guess in the "Fog" I felt like I had feelings for this man, even though I didn't really know him and he didn't know me. Even though we were ex's we hadn't seen each other in almost 20 years.
I did tell my husband that during this period of time I did feel like I had feelings for the OM. That I cared for him and at times I felt like I could have fallen for him. So my husband is having a hard time understanding that all I was feeling was the "Fog" of the affair. Because the OM gave me an Escape when I would talk to him, pretty much about nothing(sports,work, normal day talk) I wasn't a Wife,a mother at this time(which seems really terrible to say) I felt like he gave me, me back. It seems so childish to say. 

Thx again


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

CallyGirl said:


> I don't really think I gave OM anything more than what anyone could have got off my facebook. I never told him what was going on in my marriage. But I guess in the "Fog" I felt like I had feelings for this man, even though I didn't really know him and he didn't know me. Even though we were ex's we hadn't seen each other in almost 20 years.
> I did tell my husband that during this period of time I did feel like I had feelings for the OM. That I cared for him and at times I felt like I could have fallen for him. So my husband is having a hard time understanding that all I was feeling was the "Fog" of the affair. Because the OM gave me an Escape when I would talk to him, pretty much about nothing(sports,work, normal day talk) I wasn't a Wife,a mother at this time(which seems really terrible to say) I felt like he gave me, me back. It seems so childish to say.
> 
> Thx again


Read Regret214's story on here if you haven't been. She talks a lot about the OM being that escape for her. You can find her threads here: Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.


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## CallyGirl (Jul 10, 2012)

Just an update::
My husband told me last night that he believed that I was telling him the whole truth, but he is having a hard time understanding how I could feel like I had feelings for the OM and now I realized that I never truely did. I told him about the "Fog" of an affair and when you come out of it you realize that nothing was real. But because I told him everything like when the OM and I had said that we thought we might have missed out on the person we were supposed to be with because he had moved away, and I told my husband that one of the reasons I ended it was because I felt like I could fallen for the OM and that scared me. I told him that I did have some hurt for just a little while after I deleted all my accounts that OM had, but after the hurt was gone I realized that all I was feeling was a want to escape from the real world. I told my husband I never want to see the OM again. He just doesn't understand the "Fog" and I really don't know how to explain what I was feeling at that time. 

I know I am very lucky that he believes me at all right now. And I hope in time I can win his trust back.


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## CallyGirl (Jul 10, 2012)

Davelli0331 said:


> Read Regret214's story on here if you haven't been. She talks a lot about the OM being that escape for her. You can find her threads here: Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.


Thank you and I have read her threads. I understand that I was heading down this exact path. And I am very lucky that I had the strength to stop it and tell my husband before it got to this level.
Again Thanks


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