# My husband feels a threesome will help him heal



## Jpsully (Oct 16, 2020)

I had an affair last year and since I told my husband 8 months ago, we’ve recovered well. We are stronger than ever but he is still struggle with this intrusive thought of having a threesome. It stems from the man I had an affair with at one point asked if my husband would join. I never thought it would be taken well so I never asked. Now my husband feels like he missed out even though originally he’d never want one. He says he knows that doing this act just once will fully help him recover. It terrifies me. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and come super close with God. I don’t feel like it is ok to do because of our faith either. I feel like I owe him but I don’t want to do it and cause damage to myself. Any advice??


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Don't do it. Simple.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Jpsully said:


> He says he knows that doing this act just once will fully help him recover.


Uh, okay ... to each his own. But I seriously doubt it's "recovery" he'll achieve with a threesome.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

It ain’t gonna help him heal.

If anything he’ll trigger and some day you and your AP’s skeletal remains will be found in some crawlspace. That is dumb. 

I could understand if he was wanting to have a 3-way with two chicks. That would still be toxic and still wouldn’t help him heal, but I would at least understand where he was coming from. 

IMHO you two still have a lot of work to do in counseling and therapy.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

There's only one thing he's after, right or wrong, and that's to even things up.

I'm not in his shoes, but usually two wrongs don't make a right, in simple terms.

He just wants some strange.

Hopefully not a guy.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

He thinks it will help him heal. It won't. It'll end up being one more thing he can torture himself over.

I guess I'm stuck on the fact that THAT wouldn't be OK because of your faith, but an affair seemed to be OK to you at one point......


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Jpsully said:


> I had an affair last year and since I told my husband 8 months ago,
> 
> Now my husband feels like he missed out even though originally he’d never want one. He says he knows that doing this act just once will fully help him recover. It terrifies me. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and come super close with God. I don’t feel like it is ok to do because of our faith either.


So lemme see if I got this straight- You got freaky with some other dude and had wild porn sex and talked about doing all sorts of kinky **** while your H was at home watching the kids and paying the bills.

But now now that he wants to get freaky, you are suddenly all holy and religious and can’t indulge his kinky side because that would be against your faith.

In other words cheating and getting down with this other dude when your H doesn’t know about it is ok, but when he wants to take a walk on the wild side, your “faith” won’t allow it.

What church is this? I may want to join it if I can do whatever pervy stuff I want to do, but if someone else wants to indulge I can play the God card.

What church is that and how do I apply for membership?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Your husband wants to have a threesome with another man? How in the world would that possibly help him heal?? He's probably having enough mind movies. The last thing he needs is actually seeing you **** and suck another man. Seriously. Why does he think it would help?

If your husband wants a threesome with another woman, that's far more understandable... but it still won't help at all. 

Two wrongs don't make a right. All it does is add more destruction to your already overflowing plate. 

If your husband wants to experiment then buy some toys for the "DP experience", don't invite another man into the bedroom. Oh, and stay in marriage counseling. You clearly need it and aren't doing as well as you think you are.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Jpsully said:


> I had an affair last year and since I told my husband 8 months ago, we’ve recovered well. We are stronger than ever but he is still struggle with this intrusive thought of having a threesome. It stems from the man I had an affair with at one point asked if my husband would join. I never thought it would be taken well so I never asked. Now my husband feels like he missed out even though originally he’d never want one. He says he knows that doing this act just once will fully help him recover. It terrifies me. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and come super close with God. I don’t feel like it is ok to do because of our faith either. I feel like I owe him but I don’t want to do it and cause damage to myself. Any advice??


Hi! Thanks for sharing. 
I find it odd that your husband would be interested in this. I cannot imagine that he would want to watch this guy have sex with you. I would think it would make him super jealous. I would not recommend this. You don't owe him this. Has he said why this in particular would help him "recover"? Other than that, I'm glad to hear you guys were able to reconcile.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

But now now that he wants to


GC1234 said:


> Other than that, I'm glad to hear you guys were able to reconcile.


I question how much they have actually reconciled. 

Sounds like he’s using this as an excuse to get her to do some kinky crap for him and she has said some Hail Marys and is now using the God card keep him from joining the party.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Your husband has obviously not "healed". I understand his mindset because it comes from a place of poor self esteem. It will only torture him more. You may have been healing well but you are going to have to work harder than you have been to help him get past this. A threesome of any kink will only send him in a tailspin emotionally.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I think if your FB is married, a threesome with his wife would be the cats pajamas. If I was him, I'd go for a weekend swap. Him and your FBs wife plowing new ground while you and your FB plowing old ground may help him and her heal. If the FB is not married, its on you to come up with a female for a threesome. Have you asked how he'd feel about maybe sleeping with one of your girlfriends or relatives. You know the boy deserves a hall pass even if a threesome is off the table.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Jpsully said:


> I’ve done a lot of soul searching and come super close with God.


Stay super close. God gives us His commandments to guide us into living the best possible life we can. Breaking His commandments hurts, not heals. It will hurt you and it will hurt your husband.

What you "owe" your husband is your obedience to God. Be the best wife you can be, according to The Book. Stay in the Book, do what the Book says, do not do what the Book says not to do. That is, as The Book says, your "reasonable service".....



Jpsully said:


> He says he knows that doing this act just once will fully help him recover.


Ask your husband..... "....chapter? and verse?...."


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

So I’m confused to if the H is wanting a 3-way with 2 chicks or with the OP and her AP???

She made it sound like he was miffed he missed out on a 3way with her and the AP. 

If he’s wanting one with another chick, that may not necessarily be healthy or advisable, but it’s at least understandable. 

but if he’s wanting to get with her and her AP, that is just plain creepy.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Oldshirt, you may be surprised at the number of guys that are turn on, although often pissed, when they discover their wife is doing another guy. I found this often happen when sex with the wife becomes stale. Many a so-called "hot wife" have evolved from a discovered affair. I think that's whats going on here.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

RClawson said:


> Your husband has obviously not "healed". I understand his mindset because it comes from a place of poor self esteem. It will only torture him more. You may have been healing well but you are going to have to work harder than you have been to help him get past this. A threesome of any kink will only send him in a tailspin emotionally.


I think it does sound strange but there might be other motivators. it was their little secret. He was excluded. Maybe all he got was a watered down confession of them having "slept together". He may feel some kind of need to see it. To be included in it rather than excluded from it. It might sound weird but I think it could be understandable. He might also be aroused by his wife having sex with someone else. I wonder how many guys are aroused (even if also devastated) by an unfaithful wife. Perhaps something that is just not discussed.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TJW said:


> Stay super close. God gives us His commandments to guide us into living the best possible life we can. Breaking His commandments hurts, not heals. It will hurt you and it will hurt your husband.
> 
> What you "owe" your husband is your obedience to God. Be the best wife you can be, according to The Book. Stay in the Book, do what the Book says, do not do what the Book says not to do. That is, as The Book says, your "reasonable service".....
> 
> ...


A little late for that wouldn’t ya say? 

That’s shutting the barn door after the horse has got out and is with the neighbor’s stallion the next county over.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RClawson said:


> You may have been healing well


Well yeah duh she’s healing well. What does she even have to heal from?

She scored some on the side and not only is she still under the roof but now she may be able to get a 3way with both out of the deal. 

She’s made the deal of the century.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

That was an


Jpsully said:


> I had an affair last year and since I told my husband 8 months ago, we’ve recovered well. We are stronger than ever but he is still struggle with this intrusive thought of having a threesome. It stems from the man I had an affair with at one point asked if my husband would join. I never thought it would be taken well so I never asked. Now my husband feels like he missed out even though originally he’d never want one.


That was nice of him being willing to share you with your hubby. I take it the guy was being sarcastic in the comment and basically belittling your husband to you by that comment.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I think most of us are questioning the authenticity of this post. Still ... we've had some pretty strange things posted.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I'm not sure that the OP meant with another guy - did you OP?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Instead just give him several hall passes.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Just...No.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

There isn't a threesome in the world that will heal anybody. It usually causes a lot of trouble between couples. You don't want to do it so you shouldn't do it. If you feel like it you can tell him if he wants to have a threesome he can go do it and you don't want to hear about it. He probably can't even put one together without your help so just tell him go right ahead but you're out.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Well the first problem was the affair...but I think thats obvious.

I think hubby wants a threesome so he can at least say he didn't feel left out of someone else being with his wife. But my guess would be after they did an MFM with the cheater guy, he would want an FMF with cheaters guys wife? Sounds like its his way of feeling he is getting even.

Or he could just file for divorce since she cheated and call it a day.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> But now now that he wants to
> 
> 
> I question how much they have actually reconciled.
> ...


I agree. I think it's some sort of vengeance on his part.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> There isn't a threesome in the world that will heal anybody. It usually causes a lot of trouble between couples. You don't want to do it so you shouldn't do it. If you feel like it you can tell him if he wants to have a threesome he can go do it and you don't want to hear about it. He probably can't even put one together without your help so just tell him go right ahead but you're out.


I don't think any threesomes happen without the wife\GF being a part of it. I mean how many single guys ever get lucky with two women? Maybe .0000000000000000000001 percent of the world's male population?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Jpsully said:


> I had an affair last year and since I told my husband 8 months ago, we’ve recovered well. We are stronger than ever but he is still struggle with this intrusive thought of having a threesome. It stems from the man I had an affair with at one point asked if my husband would join. I never thought it would be taken well so I never asked. Now my husband feels like he missed out even though originally he’d never want one. He says he knows that doing this act just once will fully help him recover. It terrifies me. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and come super close with God. I don’t feel like it is ok to do because of our faith either. I feel like I owe him but I don’t want to do it and cause damage to myself. Any advice??



I really can't help but role my eyes at the close to God line. How convenient. This won't help him though and I don't think you should, but you better come up with a better excuse because your husband isn't buying it. 

You have emasculated your husband and he has lost his faith in you and probably feel like the sex act but also getting you to push your boundaries with make him feel better. In his mind you were willing to push all kinds of boundaries to have an affair.

Unfortunately you husband is very damaged right now. 

What exactly have you done to help him besides getting close to God? 

Let's talk about the causing damage to yourself line? Do you think the affair caused damage to yourself?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Jpsully said:


> I had an affair last year and since I told my husband 8 months ago, we’ve recovered well. We are stronger than ever but he is still struggle with this intrusive thought of having a threesome. It stems from the man I had an affair with at one point asked if my husband would join. I never thought it would be taken well so I never asked. Now my husband feels like he missed out even though originally he’d never want one. He says he knows that doing this act just once will fully help him recover. It terrifies me. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and come super close with God. I don’t feel like it is ok to do because of our faith either. I feel like I owe him but I don’t want to do it and cause damage to myself. Any advice??


An MFM threesome was offered. Is that what he is asking for, or is he wanting an FMF? Or does he just want the threesome and the sex/gender of the third person doesn't matter?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Spankins are good.

Teach him how to spank you, you bad girl!


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> Well yeah duh she’s healing well. What does she even have to heal from?
> 
> She scored some on the side and not only is she still under the roof but now she may be able to get a 3way with both out of the deal.
> 
> She’s made the deal of the century.


I think you may want to go back and read that again and try to look a bit deeper for context. She thinks she has healed pretty well but I think it may be a bit too soon. He has obviously not. He is looking for destructive ways to fill a void. It will just make things worse and increase the emptiness in his soul.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

JustTheWife said:


> I think it does sound strange but there might be other motivators. it was their little secret. He was excluded. Maybe all he got was a watered down confession of them having "slept together". He may feel some kind of need to see it. To be included in it rather than excluded from it. It might sound weird but I think it could be understandable. He might also be aroused by his wife having sex with someone else. I wonder how many guys are aroused (even if also devastated) by an unfaithful wife. Perhaps something that is just not discussed.


I believe you are spot on but if it happened he would eventually spiral.


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## Tiredandconfused92 (Oct 11, 2020)

Lol. The sudden spirituality is hilarious now that he wants to even the scores. I don’t think it will help him feel better (the threesome), but I would have left that bit out after explaining your extramarital activities. 

Better start hunting for an apartment. You two have NOT reconciled.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> But if he’s wanting to get with her and her AP, that is just plain creepy.


The only place this is feasible is a Criminal Minds episode.


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## paboy (May 27, 2020)

What he is acting on is his hurt. His humiliation. His 'want' to reclaim his manhood.

You two need to work together through this. And no, going out of your marriage is not the way.

Work on your marriage. 

As has been advised, two wrongs do not make a right.

Unfortunately, this is the seed of your actions. Do the best you can to fix it.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

Did she ever say if the threesome was MFM or FMF?

He needs it to heal? Yeaaa, I bet he does. If it’s a FMF then it would seem to be retaliation, if it’s a MFM then apparently he’s a glutton for punishment.

Either way, he’s kind of got you over a barrel.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

You shouldn't let your husband pressure you into something you don't want to do.

I wouldn't use your religion as the excuse though because the adultery would be against the religion as well.

I don't think the reality of the threesome will be something your husband enjoys. One thing to remember is once images are in your head you can never remove them.

If a threesome is something you and your husband both want to explore then you might want to do that with someone that you didn't cheat with.

Recovery from an affair takes a long time so he isn't past it no matter what he says.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> So lemme see if I got this straight- You got freaky with some other dude and had wild porn sex and talked about doing all sorts of kinky shyte while your H was at home watching the kids and paying the bills.
> 
> But now now that he wants to get freaky, you are suddenly all holy and religious and can’t indulge his kinky side because that would be against your faith.
> 
> ...


She said that since her affair she has got close to God.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TJW said:


> Stay super close. God gives us His commandments to guide us into living the best possible life we can. Breaking His commandments hurts, not heals. It will hurt you and it will hurt your husband.
> 
> What you "owe" your husband is your obedience to God. Be the best wife you can be, according to The Book. Stay in the Book, do what the Book says, do not do what the Book says not to do. That is, as The Book says, your "reasonable service".....
> 
> ...


Absolutely TJW, great reply.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What your husband says is just so not true, both of you committing adultery will do anythng BUT help heal the marriage. As you will know with the faith you have, you are forbidden from doing this. Yes you did it before, but now you KNOW its wrong as you have thankfully got back closer to God. If he has a faith also he will know that this is wrong. Its madness he is even suggesting it and please dont do it. 
You could say to him that you regret what happened but that you will not be going along with this under any circumstances. If he wont accept that he is free to end the marriage and go and do whatever he thinks will 'help him heal 'but either way, dont let him force you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

A threesome in this situation is a bad idea, IMO. How long did your affair last? If he feels he needs to go outside the marriage for some sex in order to balance the books, so to speak, then give him a hall pass that lasts for the length of your affair, to start when he wants (but limit it to the next two years, say). He _may_ not use it, but having the _option_ may go a long way to helping him move on.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think he's just using it for justification for his own cheating urges, opportunistic. And we don't know if he's already cheated either. Either way, I'd just tell him, Go for it, but not be his pimp. He won't get anywhere in all likelihood.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> A threesome in this situation is a bad idea, IMO. How long did your affair last? If he feels he needs to go outside the marriage for some sex in order to balance the books, so to speak, then give him a hall pass that lasts for the length of your affair, to start when he wants (but limit it to the next two years, say). He _may_ not use it, but having the _option_ may go a long way to helping him move on.


How is that in anyway going to help their marriage?Two wrongs never make a right.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

bobert said:


> Your husband wants to have a threesome with another man? How in the world would that possibly help him heal?? *He's probably having enough mind movies.* The last thing he needs is actually seeing you **** and suck another man. Seriously. Why does he think it would help?


Been thinking about something similar - it could be that he wants to have a MMF threesome so that he can put these mind movies to rest.
Alternatively, similar to rape victims he could be seeking some measure of control which he feels that he had lost - to overcome his trauma.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Here's my 2 cents.

A threesome will not make him heal.

He is not doing as well as you both think.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Jpsully said:


> I had an affair ..... we’ve recovered well.
> 
> We are stronger than ever but *he is still struggle with this intrusive thought of having a threesome*. It stems from the man I had an affair with *at one point asked if my husband would join.* I never thought it would be taken well so I never asked. *Now my husband feels like he missed out even though originally he’d never want one*. He says he knows that doing this act just once will fully help him recover. *It terrifies me*. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and come super close with God. I don’t feel like it is ok to do because of our faith either. I feel like I owe him but I don’t want to do it and cause damage to myself. *Any advice*??


It sounds like you are trying to help your husband heal from your being unfaithful. That is good.

It is not good to invite another person into the intimacy of your marriage, you know that now. You don't need to do things that violate your own boundaries.

If I were you I would suggest that you sit down with your H and tell him you have been thinking bout his request for a threesome and you need to learn more about how this will help him heal.

If it is true, then tell him that you have mostly healed from your affair. That the realization that you did things that betrayed your marriage vows to your H and your belief in what marriage should be emotionally ripped you apart. You were very mad with yourself and ashamed of your actions and do not want to ever put yourself in such a situation again. However, you do want to help him heal. Because of that you want to know how having a three some will help him heal. You want to understand what is going on in his mind as if you agree to it, you will rip yourself apart emotionally and have to start the healing process again, but from an even lower place.

Listen carefully to what it is that he hopes to gain from having a threesome. Ask if he understands that it will force you to again confront your shameful actions and start your healing process again. Let him know that you had promised yourself you would never do such a thing again, but that your love for him makes you want to consider his needs in addition to your own. Make sure he explains in detail what he hopes to gain emotionally from the threesome. His reasons might surprise you. If need be, schedule some time with a sex therapist so the two of you can explore his desire for a threesome, especially if it is an MFM as it sounds in your post.

If it is MFM, he could have a Hot Wife cuckold fantasy. It could be a power exchange fantasy where he makes you do things you don't want to do as punishment. It could be a deep secret he has had for years before you met him. he might even be bi-curious. The point is you don't know until the two of you talk about it. If you really think it might help him heal, offer first to role play that three some, just the two of you with him playing the part of the two men or if need be you playing the part of one of the men. After role playing he may have gotten enough of what he needs emotionally to move on and you may have picked up a secret sex game for just the two of you.

Good luck.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Young at Heart said:


> If it is true, then tell him that you have mostly healed from your affair.


Additionally, tell him you've learned the things you did with your boyfriend that you never did with him was not that important or enjoyable anyway. Back a number of years ago, I healed from an affair with the help of a good dose of antibiotics.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

It sounds like he should just divorce you and go have his fun, you got to have yours now it's his turn. Or is it your thinking only you are aloud to have some fun.

I don't think this should be done in a marriage.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Been thinking about something similar - it could be that he wants to have a MMF threesome so that he can put these mind movies to rest.
> Alternatively, similar to rape victims he could be seeking some measure of control which he feels that he had lost - to overcome his trauma.


There are many possibilities. 
If it's a FMF threesome, he may want to exact some measure of revenge.
If it's a MMF threesome, one of the worst possibilities is that he wants to degrade her because she has become cheap in his mind as a result of her affair. In other words, treat her like the **** he thinks she is.


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## Imagirl (Aug 17, 2020)

2 guys? There's an offer I wouldn't be able to refuse. 

I think your hubby has been thinking about some other guy tossing you around and it's really got him turned on. Has your sex been off the chats since?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Wolfman1968 said:


> There are many possibilities.
> If it's a FMF threesome, he may want to exact some measure of revenge.
> *If it's a MMF threesome, one of the worst possibilities is that he wants to degrade her because she has become cheap in his mind as a result of her affair. In other words, treat her like the **** he thinks she is.*


Surprised you mentioned this.

As it is very possible as well; if marriage wasn't involved and I didn't love my partner a part of me would even consider this line of thinking so I understand this mentality. Might even pimp, pass around to my mates. But that's excluding marital arrangements.


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## Jpsully (Oct 16, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Been thinking about something similar - it could be that he wants to have a MMF threesome so that he can put these mind movies to rest.
> Alternatively, similar to rape victims he could be seeking some measure of control which he feels that he had lost - to overcome his trauma.


Yes this is exactly his words. It would help the replay of it subside. He’s not a controlling type. He’s been very forgiving and helpful in all this.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Jpsully said:


> Yes this is exactly his words. It would help the replay of it subside. He’s not a controlling type. He’s been very forgiving and helpful in all this.


Damn, hate being right.

Now at least 6 possibilities that could happen if you go ahead:

1) You enjoy it visibly, and he finds himself enjoying it, he starts wanting more of it, and you *opened pandora's box* of new possibilities both potentially good and bad.
2) You enjoy it visibly, and he finds out all the traumatic mind movies he's been having are actually real. *More damage is done.*
3) Regardless of your enjoyment, he finds himself enjoying it, he starts wanting more of it, but looks you much differently compared to before. *More damage is done.* (See post #51)
4) You don't visibly enjoy it, and he feels like you are holding back, undermining the attempts to put the mind movies to rest. *More damage is done.*
5) You don't visibly enjoy it, and he gets what he wants, puts his mind movies to rest, but he doesn't move on, as you just had sex with another man in front of him. *More damage is done.*
6) You don't visibly enjoy it, and he gets what he wants, puts his mind movies to rest, and *you both move on.*

Sad to say, but it's the throw of the die here, and although the percentages are not equivalent, roughly 67% chance of more damage being done, 16-17% chance of opening a new can of worms, and 16-17% chance he will get the closure he needs. My guess though, number 6 would be 3% chance, more likely 4 and 5. But these are just wild guesses, add in your knowledge of your circumstances into the mix and you should be able to determine if this is a gamble worth taking. If you feel number 6 has good odds - and your opinion would be better than ours, then sure.


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## Jpsully (Oct 16, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> So lemme see if I got this straight- You got freaky with some other dude and had wild porn sex and talked about doing all sorts of kinky **** while your H was at home watching the kids and paying the bills.
> 
> But now now that he wants to get freaky, you are suddenly all holy and religious and can’t indulge his kinky side because that would be against your faith.
> 
> ...



Wow. You’re more bitter than he ever was. He wasn’t at home paying the bills. I pay the bills. I went thru an entire repentance process for 5 months so no I didn’t just “have my fun” and now acting all goody. 
You really don’t understand people can change. I’m not playing any card. I would do it for him if I know it 100% fix his intrusive thoughts. I worry it will lead to more destructive behaviors. 
Luckily, you’re not God. I’d hate to be married to you considering you hold yourself higher than anyone else. You’re probably a narcissist who thinks they do no wrong and everyone owes them. I feel sorry for anyone with you. You’re a judgmental prick.


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## Jpsully (Oct 16, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Damn, hate being right.
> 
> Now at least 6 possibilities that could happen if you go ahead:
> 
> ...



Thank you for that. Seriously helps. These are the types of things that I’ve been looking to talk thru with him. So I appreciate your candidness and transparency.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, you didn't have a threesome with the other guy. I don't understand why you even told your husband that bit - was it an attempt to downplay the betrayal? Have you offered him a hall pass as a get even card?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Entertaining your husband in this clearly disturbing fashion will do neither of you any good.

I was serious about the spanking.

It would be a far healthier outlet.

Do not include another person in your marriage.

There have been enough interlopers in your vagina already right?

You are right to be against this and want to get on the straight and narrow here.

Going sideways with a threesome on top of your faithlessness will definitely cause more damage to both of you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Jpsully said:


> Wow. You’re more bitter than he ever was. He wasn’t at home paying the bills. I pay the bills. I went thru an entire repentance process for 5 months so no I didn’t just “have my fun” and now acting all goody.
> You really don’t understand people can change. I’m not playing any card. I would do it for him if I know it 100% fix his intrusive thoughts. I worry it will lead to more destructive behaviors.
> Luckily, you’re not God. I’d hate to be married to you considering you hold yourself higher than anyone else. You’re probably a narcissist who thinks they do no wrong and everyone owes them. I feel sorry for anyone with you. You’re a judgmental prick.



@Jpsully 

A little bit projecting some anger here?

Sounds like you may know on some level you have some stepping up to do as well. Hence an outburst at a non hostile reply from @oldshirt .


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## Jpsully (Oct 16, 2020)

Not hostile at all. Or angry. I’m happy in my marriage. I think @oldshirt must have been hurt in the past and is upset they didn’t have the same outcome. 
I asked for advice and not to be criticized.


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## Jpsully (Oct 16, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Well, you didn't have a threesome with the other guy. I don't understand why you even told your husband that bit - was it an attempt to downplay the betrayal? Have you offered him a hall pass as a get even card?


I told him just because I wanted to give him every bit of information about the affair. 
He said he doesn’t want a hallpass. It’s more of wanting to play out what’s in his head to put him at ease. 
I welcomed him to do what he wanted if he felt he needed to get even but he’s declined numerous times


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Had he ever asked for or showed a desire for any kind of 3way before the affair and if so what was your response at that time?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Had he ever asked for or showed a desire for any kind of 3way before the affair and if so what was your response at that time?


I think she said he wants to replay it to work it out in his head but it actually wouldn't be replaying anything since she didn't have a three-way.

He needs help.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Jpsully said:


> Not hostile at all. Or angry. I’m happy in my marriage. I think @oldshirt must have been hurt in the past and is upset they didn’t have the same outcome.
> I asked for advice and not to be criticized.


Jp,

I agree with most of what you are saying but i do take exception that you are happy in your marriage...you were not otherwise you would not have cheated in the first place. He may have forgiven you but he will never forget and that is the battle he and you will have to deal with for the rest of your marriage. 

like others have noted here, my fear is that this threesome will be done for the wrong reason and will have potential blow back (excuse the pun).


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Had he ever asked for or showed a desire for any kind of 3way before the affair and if so what was your response at that time?


Allow to expand on this a littler further. 

If he had brought up the idea of 3ways/swinging/open marriage et al prior to your affair, and at that time you had indicated you may be up for it,,,, that would be one thing. It would have been something that was already on the table prior to the affair. 

But if he had never mentioned anything like that before, then the affair may presumably some kind of triggering event. 

Or if he had brought it up before and you had said no, then the affair is effecting your decision process on something that you had earlier found distasteful but now are considering in an effect to appease him somehow. 

So where I am going with this is if both of you had at least been down in principle for some kind of consensual nonmonogamy prior to the affair and you are now getting back to those discussions - that's one thing. It may not be wise. It may not be healthy. It may not be where you want to be when Jesus comes back. But it is at least not something tied in to some response to the affair. 

However if either his interest in it is stemming from some reaction to the affair, and your consideration of actually doing it is stemming from trying to assuage your guilt or to appease him due to the affair, that just seems pretty maladaptive and dysfunctional, wouldn't you agree? 

If these ideas and discussions are stemming back to the affair in any fashion, then I think you would be better served to consult the assistance of a professional, secular marital counselor and continue with the healing and rebuilding process of your marriage. 

As hard as I try to imagine, I just do not see any reputable marital counselor that is either secular or faith-based, advising their clients to go out and have a 3way as a form of rebuilding trust and connection following an affair.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Jpsully said:


> Not hostile at all. Or angry. I’m happy in my marriage. I think @oldshirt must have been hurt in the past and is upset they didn’t have the same outcome.
> I asked for advice and not to be criticized.


Actually we had 10 years of being very active in the swinging lifestyle and have had lots of 3-somes, 4-somes and more-somes, and it was a very positive experience for us. 

But we also did not have any infidelity or marital discord. 

I'm not upset. I was just noting the hypocrisy of your post about committing adultery but then turning around and saying that a 3some with your husband would be against your faith.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Jpsully said:


> I would do it for him if I know it 100% fix his intrusive thoughts. I worry it will lead to more destructive behaviors.


Are you referring to doing the sexual acts you did with other man, with your husband?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP,

Have you offered to bring a gf home for him to enjoy, either with you, while you watch, or him solo?

This seems to be going a little circular so I'm just throwing this out there. 

He may not feel comfortable going out in public in search of a partner and with C19 going on, the offer to let him go out and look around is a little empty. 

However if you set it up, it may have meaning. 

For my POV, two wrongs don't make a right, but you know best the circumstances here.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@Jpsully 

If there are things he wants to add to you two's sexual encounters, or at least experiment with (not a third person, here) then you shouldn't have any objections to participating.

Are there any reasons beyond what you've posted that you're using as an excuse to not try and do some things he likes?

Mutual exploration might, just might, rekindle some sense of expanding the M sex life with you as a partner, doing something together.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> OP,
> 
> Have you offered to bring a gf home for him to enjoy, either with you, while you watch, or him solo?
> 
> ...


Now that would make the affair OK in my eyes!!! 

A cheated on hubby could be so lucky.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

OP, please dont go along with this, if you do then it will make things worse. You will be doing again what you have so much wanted to put behind you and made such effort to deal with. You husband is deluded if he thinks that adultery is the answer to adultery. Especially if you are both Christians.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

There could be another thing going on with dear H perhaps OP hasn't thought about.

H may have disconnected already and planning an exit on the sly, and will have surprise papers served.

Meanwhile he feels right or wrong that W acted like a prostitute and until he leaves he wants to treat her the same way, just how far she'll go, then coldly say see, then leave.

I'm not saying there's a right or wrong way or just one way they may work it out but with all the skittering around details, it seems like it will work out in an unexpected way.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> There could be another thing going on with dear H perhaps OP hasn't thought about.
> 
> H may have disconnected already and planning an exit on the sly, and will have surprise papers served.
> 
> ...


I do have to agree with that line of thought as many spouses view cheating as the ultimate deal-breaker for marriage. He may be well on his way to filing for divorce already?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> There could be another thing going on with dear H perhaps OP hasn't thought about.
> 
> H may have disconnected already and planning an exit on the sly, and will have surprise papers served.
> 
> ...


She said she pays the bills. If he is a SAHD, he may be feeling emasculated. Could this be a play for him to feel like he has gained some power and self esteem by making her humiliate herself?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Listen, no one loves a good 3-way more than me and I have had a good number of them over the years. 

But this is like peddling snake oil to someone with cancer. 

and probably more accurately, it is like peddling snake oil to someone with cancer, who got the cancer from ingesting too much snake oil. 

I love 3-ways and hope to have another(s) someday before I die, but this is a pathology. Assuming they weren't already openly discussing the possibilities of it and both were on board with it before the affair - this is something that is being triggered, on both his end and her end, by a pathological state. 

It is a pathological state that needs professional assesment and direction to address. Not bringing home some other chick (or especially dude) 

They both have a few screws loose and this isn't something they need to be messing around with until they both get those screws tightened back up professionally.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> She said she pays the bills. If he is a SAHD, he may be feeling emasculated. Could this be a play for him to feel like he has gained some power and self esteem by making her humiliate herself?


I wonder if its really intended to humiliate her or maybe he just sees this as a way to bring some excitement to their marriage? If she had an affair, they obviously didn't have a perfect marriage prior to that so maybe its his way of seeing her open up and do some new things? Many times couples say they are reluctant to do anything that wild and crazy with others but in essence, she already did! So maybe he just wants it to continue farther and get to have some fun for himself as well? 

Not saying its right or wrong (personally never been in a threesome) but maybe its his way of recovering and being able to make something exciting out of a slap in the face?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> Listen, no one loves a good 3-way more than me and I have had a good number of them over the years.
> 
> But this is like peddling snake oil to someone with cancer.
> 
> ...


I bet before all of that, he would just leave. If he is a SAHD, he stands to benefit financially from a divorce.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I bet before all of that, he would just leave. If he is a SAHD, he stands to benefit financially from a divorce.


I could see a chick doing that but dudes usually aren't that clever. Besides, all she'd have to do is sit in front of the judge and lawyers and boo hoo about all the humiliation and degradation he put her through in bringing another man into their bedroom to get back at her for the affair and the judge would throw the book at him and he would be labeled as an abusive husband and sexual sadist. 

Generally speaking the simplest answer is often the most accurate. 

The simplest answer here is he sees her A as her having her fun and he was emasculated and humiliated. Now he wants to play too as well as thinking he will get his balls back. Men wanting MFMs are often a power play deep down. It's about their own dominance and control, even if they are the **** just sitting their watching. 

He may feel that if he can bang her harder and better than the other dude, of if he can make the other dude as well as her into his dancing monkeys performing for his viewing pleasure, he may get back some of the ego and masculinity he lost in the affair. In his mind if she is going to be $lu++y, might as well be $lu++y for him. 

Since she is prostituting herself in a way to get him to get past her affair, might as get some benefit out of it right? 

Some guys have used their wife's guilt to get girlfriends or a shiny new sports car or a bass boat or weekend in Vegas with their bro's etc etc he's using it to get some porn sex. 

He ain't gonna divorce her. She is still of use to him.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Jpsully said:


> I told him just because I wanted to give him every bit of information about the affair.
> He said he doesn’t want a hallpass. It’s more of wanting to play out what’s in his head to put him at ease.
> I welcomed him to do what he wanted if he felt he needed to get even but he’s declined numerous times


So, even IF you did this, it will NOT put him at ease or stop the mind movies -- it will give him REAL mind movies to go along with the ones he THINKS you did now.
This will finish wrecking your marriage that the cheating started.
He needs to seek a good counselor to get him past this if that is what he needs.



Jpsully said:


> I told my husband 8 months ago, we’ve recovered well. We are stronger than ever but he is still struggle with this intrusive thought of having a threesome


Nope, you haven't recovered well -- well maybe YOU have recovered, but he clearly hasn't. Your marriage is NOT stronger when he has these continual doubts. Counseling may help him with that.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Do it, but with two women so it helps with you emasculating him.

don’t do it with you and two guys. He will be tortured by seeing your reaction to what other guy is doing to you


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

After reading this, it is clear that your husband is screaming for help.
My first question would be: What have you done to help him heal?
You went out, had your fling, disrespected and emasculated him.
You had your fun, churched up, and now you're okay?
Hell, he is probably still in shock. To recover from infidelity is usually a 3-5 year process.
He is probably struggling to think of something that might even up the playing field, thus the threesome.
I think having one would be counterproductive. If he has it with you included, you better truly be miserable.
If he sees you truly experiencing mind blowing sex with someone else M or F, he's probably done.

My second question is, if he had have been the one to have gone out and had the affair, how would you feel?
If your response to such an affair would be negative, channel those feelings and apply those to your conundrum.
You need to reorganize. Get the following book:









How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair


As an infidelity specialist for 23 years, therapist Linda J. MacDonald has identified behaviors and attitudes that determine unfaithful p...



www.goodreads.com





You need to read and implement this book. He needs to see you do actual work to fix whatever malfunction(s) lead you to the betrayal you perpetuated. You need IC to address your issues. He probably needs IC to address his hurt. After some time in IC, you both probably need some MC to see if things are salvageable. If things are allowed to continue as they are, he will probably wake up one day and realize that he wants out. If you truly want to save your marriage, you better get on this PDQ, while you still may be able to take corrective action.

IMO, you would be better served dissuading him from a threesome. Instead, offer him any kind of sex he wants. Tell him nothing is off the table. Tell him it can be as kinky as he wants, tell him it can be his fantasy come true. Inform him that the only restriction is that it has to be just the two of you. This, IMO, is more productive than a threesome and might actually help establish some kind of intimacy between the two of you..


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Since it sounds like you both want to date other people, not sure you should even try that hard to make this work.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

I am sorry to say that I do not believe your husband has healed at all. He may be making all the right noises and going through the right motions but there are still unresolved issues. As some have already alluded to, I believe his desired outcome from any threesome may be to degrade and humiliate you, to make you feel dirty and used. It may be designed to change any residual glow you may have of your affair to viewing it, and yourself, as sordid. Granting Hall Passes does not cut it either. The whole point of revenge sex is for Him to be the one who deceives you, to get a thrill from lying to you and, ultimately, to cause you as much pain as possible. All he gets from a Hall Pass is sex where sex is really not that important. I am not judging you here or trying to pop your perfect little world bubble, just trying to offer an alternative view that your belief all is healed and being well may be delusional in order that you may be able to carry out a lot more work on saving your marriage. You seem to want to save your marriage and I wish both of you all the best for the future.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m trying to get my head around why a guy who has been cheated on wants to watch another man with his wife. I sense some really bad mental problems here.
Having another dude help you bang your wife is not a normal reaction to being cheated on. Not normal at all.

Of all things he’d want..... this?????? Wth


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m trying to get my head around why a guy who has been cheated on wants to watch another man with his wife. I sense some really bad mental problems here.
> Having another dude help you bang your wife is not a normal reaction to being cheated on. Not normal at all.
> 
> Of all things he’d want..... this?????? Wth


Unless he wants that threeway with her and another woman?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Y’all are getting way to caught up in the technicalities and the idea of a threesome is just a big squirrel running across the yard distracting everyone because threesomes are always a tittilation for everyone. 

The base issue here is this guy is a Simp. He’s a scared and weak beta “Nice Guy” trying to make covert contracts with his cheating WW. 

A man with balls and a spine would have either tossed her to the curb when he found out about it and banged whoever he wanted. 

Or if he was sincere about reconciling the marriage he would have kicked the OM’s ass and sent him packing and then dragged her sorry, cheating backside into legit marital counseling as well as IC for both of them and spent the 2-3 years of heavy lifting by both parties to address their marital and individual issues and rebuilt the relationship from the ground up.

Instead she went to church, said some Hail Marys (figuratively if not literally) and now after a handful of months she gets to say they are reconciled but he wants a three way to help him recover.

This is nothing more than a beta boy asking “mother-may-I?” In a covert contract to try to score some porn sex to try to stroke his wounded ego and show that he can play with the big boyz. 

Let me reframe this for context. If Chuck Norris found out his wife was cheating, would he be on bended knee asking if they could invite some other dude to come into their bedroom to help heal his hurt feelings from the A??

No.

He would *****slap her to the curb with the rest of the trash and then have a three way with her sister and her best friend and let them tell her how great it was.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Since it sounds like you both want to date other people, not sure you should even try that hard to make this work.


I don’t know about actual dating per se, but they are both interested in going to bed with other guys.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I tried looking through the thread, but will the guy in the MMF be the guy you had the affair with or a new guy?


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Jpsully said:


> Thank you for that. Seriously helps. These are the types of things that I’ve been looking to talk thru with him. So I appreciate your candidness and transparency.


OP, I think that the essence of RandomGuy's post is correct. Whether one quibbles about the exact percentages of each possible outcome, or whether additional outcomes are suggested, I think the bottom line is that this three-way proposition is much more likely to worsen the situation than to fix it.
The "play it out to put him at ease" actually doesn't make much sense to me.
Either he hasn't really thought it out well, or there may be more issues at play here. Maybe some issues that he doesn't even realize consciously.

Personally, I think it's a bad idea to have a threesome for that reason. Most of the posts from swingers on this forum do point out that swinging does sometimes worsen the marriage, and usually when there are boundary issues or underlying marital issues. In those cases, the swinging makes the issues worse, not better. Oldshirt, who has revealed that he himself is an experienced swinger, is strongly against this plan of action for this kind of reasoning.

I think he needs to have some individual counseling, and the two of you have couples counseling, before I would ever consider this route. And I think that effective counseling would eventual lead you to the conclusion that the threesome would be a big mistake.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m trying to get my head around why a guy who has been cheated on wants to watch another man with his wife. I sense some really bad mental problems here.
> Having another dude help you bang your wife is not a normal reaction to being cheated on. Not normal at all.
> 
> Of all things he’d want..... this?????? Wth


Tell me! Guy would do very well to leave in one piece. They call him Leroy Brown. Have some pieces missing.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Personally, I think it's a bad idea to have a threesome for that reason. Most of the posts from swingers on this forum do point out that swinging does sometimes worsen the marriage, and usually when there are boundary issues or underlying marital issues. In those cases, the swinging makes the issues worse, not better. Oldshirt, who has revealed that he himself is an experienced swinger, is strongly against this plan of action for this kind of reasoning.
> 
> I think he needs to have some individual counseling, and the two of you have couples counseling, before I would ever consider this route. And I think that effective counseling would eventual lead you to the conclusion that the threesome would be a big mistake.


Yeah, here is the bottomline in any kind of nonmonogamy/swinging/open marriage etc - *IT IS NOT THERAPY! *

It is NEVER a treatment for any kind of dysfunction, relationship issue or trouble in a sexual dynamic.

If there is any kind of problem or crack in the foundation of a relationship, it will magnify it exponentially and blow it all up.

Consensual nonmonogamy can be a means to scratch an itch for some variety but will only work for strong couples with excellent communication, a high degree of respect and compassion for each other and already have a solid and mutually satisfying sex life. 

Anything else and it is just throwing gas on a fire and then dropping a bomb on it. 

This couple needs both professional IC individually as well as MC together. 

Don’t treat cancer with snake oil. Especially a cancer that was probably caused by snake oil in the first place.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

When you think about it, he is saying that he has been so hurt that she had sex with another man, that he wants her to have sex with another man again, with him there watching. Hmmm, seems totally crazy.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> When you think about it, he is saying that he has been so hurt that she had sex with another man, that he wants her to have sex with another man again, with him there watching. Hmmm, seems totally crazy.


Exactly. Cray cray of epic proportions.
If it’s a 3 way with the offending party, the OM would have to be an idiot. The betrayed husband would have to be deranged to want such a thing. The logical conclusion to that would be a dead OM, or a betrayed husband that Has been in the closet.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Jpsully said:


> Yes this is exactly his words. It would help the replay of it subside. He’s not a controlling type. He’s been very forgiving and helpful in all this.


So the two of you have rug swept this and he is being mr nice guy. In other words, he swallowed his pride and manhood to pretend it never happened.

He should of had you move out so he could heal without the constant reminder of you and what you did. Then he should have divorced you.

After that it would be his decision to date you again.

Your marriage is dead, you killed it when you broke your vows. The two of you are on artificial life support right now. Someone should pull the plug.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Jpsully said:


> Wow. You’re more bitter than he ever was. He wasn’t at home paying the bills. I pay the bills. I went thru an entire repentance process for 5 months so no I didn’t just “have my fun” and now acting all goody.
> You really don’t understand people can change. I’m not playing any card. I would do it for him if I know it 100% fix his intrusive thoughts. I worry it will lead to more destructive behaviors.
> Luckily, you’re not God. I’d hate to be married to you considering you hold yourself higher than anyone else. You’re probably a narcissist who thinks they do no wrong and everyone owes them. I feel sorry for anyone with you. You’re a judgmental prick.


What your husband wants will not fix your marriage.

Is your husband a stay at home dad?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Jpsully said:


> I told him just because I wanted to give him every bit of information about the affair.
> He said he doesn’t want a hallpass. It’s more of wanting to play out what’s in his head to put him at ease.
> I welcomed him to do what he wanted if he felt he needed to get even but he’s declined numerous times


This is also a very bad idea, just the offer.

Example

You don’t even give a damn if I have sex with someone else?!?!?!

I only wanted to have sex with YOU!!!!!

Apparently you didn’t feel the same!!!!

That is where his train of thought could have gone with your offer of a hall pass. Then you keep offering it.

Is your husband the type to hold things in or does he vent what’s on his mind freely?


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)




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## DadTwinJJ (Oct 26, 2020)

I disagree with the majority of responses here, or, at least, I feel like they are missing the point. Your husband felt betrayed, and betrayal almost always constitutes a loss of control along with a loss of trust. What he is trying to do in suggesting this threesome is regain both the trust and the control simultaneously. Because he can’t ever know your deepest unspoken thoughts and desires, he wants to see them expressed transparently and in a way that directly involves him. Many responses here are insistent that granting his wish will make things worse, but here’s the thing most of them fail to see: When it comes to an extramarital affair, the crime is not in the sex, the crime is in the dishonesty. Inviting the third man back into your bedroom is not a moral crime if your husband is giving his blessing. 

However, it does become a moral crime if this is truly not what you want and you feel pressured or guilt-tripped into it. His request for transparency here might seem controlling, especially as he wants to be involved directly and this could be construed as a boundary violation. Moreover, he does not seem willing to accept that there is complete truth in your no longer having physical desires for another man. This dual expression of wanting more control proves that he is in a damaged and vulnerable position, as it’s clear he feels his trust cannot and should not be blindly re-extended to you. This of course, it’s a valid feeling on his part, but ultimately it can be unproductive if the onus is being placed entirely on you. He wants you to earn the trust back through this unusual request, even though the responsibility for bridging that trust gap ideally consists of BOTH of you doing the hard and uncomfortable work. It takes time, patience, quality activities together, honest discussion, and ideally, a consistent regimen of therapy. Somewhere in there is a silver lining in which perhaps you get to the core reasons and contributing factors for why the affair happened in the first place. Only once that is established can sexual honesty be approached realistically. Once that is done, meeting his request, or steadfastly declining to meet it, can be done with plausible and trustworthy rationale.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

DadTwinJJ said:


> I disagree with the majority of responses here, or, at least, I feel like they are missing the point. Your husband felt betrayed, and betrayal almost always constitutes a loss of control along with a loss of trust. What he is trying to do in suggesting this threesome is regain both the trust and the control simultaneously. Because he can’t ever know your deepest unspoken thoughts and desires, he wants to see them expressed transparently and in a way that directly involves him. *Many responses here are insistent that granting his wish will make things worse, but here’s the thing most of them fail to see: *When it comes to an extramarital affair, the crime is not in the sex, the crime is in the dishonesty. Inviting the third man back into your bedroom is not a moral crime if your husband is giving his blessing.


No, actually, it looks like you are mistaking a rejection of your line of thinking with "failing to see."

In my response, and the response of some others, it's not that we haven't considered the "loss of control" aspect. I (and others, i suspect) just reject it as being unlikely to lead to a good outcome. Many of us have been either involved personally in betrayal or have seen story after story of what happens to people mentally with betrayal. Furthermore, some, like
oldshirt, have had experience in the threesome (or more) lifestyle and have experience and knowledge of the mental/psychological dynamic involved in threesomes. 

I stand by my posts. I think it is much more likely to cause worsening of the situation rather than improvement. I don't think it is likely DadTwinJJ has series of successful examples of this kind of situation to point to. 

OP, my belief and experience is that it is more likely to cause harm than good for your to indulge your husband in a MMF threesome.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Lets face it, there is probably only a .0000001 chance she would go through with a threesome and if she is not into it, it would just suck anyway and he would complain it wasn't very good and she showed no interest and would want another one.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Wolfman1968 said:


> No, actually, it looks like you are mistaking a rejection of your line of thinking with "failing to see."
> 
> In my response, and the response of some others, it's not that we haven't considered the "loss of control" aspect. I (and others, i suspect) just reject it as being unlikely to lead to a good outcome. Many of us have been either involved personally in betrayal or have seen story after story of what happens to people mentally with betrayal. Furthermore, some, like
> oldshirt, have had experience in the threesome (or more) lifestyle and have experience and knowledge of the mental/psychological dynamic involved in threesomes.
> ...


You have more patience than I. I was going to ignore him but I agree with you 100%.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Although personally I can't imaging sitting there watching my W with someone else I can conjecture some reasons and feel a great deal of empathy for her H.

1) Her husband loves her so much he wants her to have the pleasure he can never give her, her cheating has already proven his inadequacy and worthlessness at least in his mind, so without hope he just surrenders to what he feels is inevitable. 

2) There is also the possibility that her BH had been cheated on before and this is the final proof of his lack of value, so many people struggle gasping for air barely keeping above water and it doesn't take much.

3) Perhaps it's as simple as the BH wanting to observe how quickly his WW orgasms with the OM, how many she has, how wet she gets. This would help the BH decide if he can stay with his WW or not. Many of us would like to know the full truth of our spouses affairs and this is one way to get a reasonable reenactment.

4) In a sense what does it matter the WW is already contaminated with the OM and has whatever STD OM has. Much worse would be some other OM with and unknown spectrum of infection.

5) To take photos of them together for exposure or blackmail, or to beat the OM in front of his WW.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Or maybe it’s as simple as the guy would like to see his wife being railed ..... no deep reasoning required.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In most things the simplest answer is the most accurate. 

The simplest answer IMHO is they both have a couple screws loose and have kind of a dysfunctional relationship on a good day and with her A he felt left behind and emasculated and sees this as some kind of attempt to get some semblance of masculinity back.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

@Jpsully If you decide to go for it then kiss your marriage goodbye!
This will open a door that you can never shut!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Kaliber said:


> @Jpsully If you decide to go for it then kiss your marriage goodbye!
> This will open a door that you can never shut!


She has already opened a door she can never shut......


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

We'll never know.

Bet the threesome happens.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Jpsully said:


> I had an affair last year and since I told my husband 8 months ago, we’ve recovered well. We are stronger than ever but he is still struggle with this intrusive thought of having a threesome. It stems from the man I had an affair with at one point asked if my husband would join. I never thought it would be taken well so I never asked. Now my husband feels like he missed out even though originally he’d never want one. He says he knows that doing this act just once will fully help him recover. It terrifies me. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and come super close with God. I don’t feel like it is ok to do because of our faith either. I feel like I owe him but I don’t want to do it and cause damage to myself. Any advice??


He wants to get even, not heal. If you got to have sex with someone else, so does he. He's tying the score. Don't let him manipulate you. 

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

My journey in polyamory started with my wife cheating on me with the neighbors wife. 

We have had several threesomes since then. We are still married, and have no plans on changing that fact. 

People tell me they could never do polyamory because they value commitment too much. Which i find funny, because they are usually on their second or third marriage. 

Ultimately, what it comes down to is this: Do what works for you. And remember, you can only control you. You can't control your partner.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

I tend to agree with you on this...




JustTheWife said:


> I think it does sound strange but there might be other motivators. it was their little secret. He was excluded. Maybe all he got was a watered down confession of them having "slept together". He may feel some kind of need to see it. To be included in it rather than excluded from it. It might sound weird but I think it could be understandable. He might also be aroused by his wife having sex with someone else. I wonder how many guys are aroused (even if also devastated) by an unfaithful wife. Perhaps something that is just not discussed.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Imagirl said:


> 2 guys? There's an offer I wouldn't be able to refuse.
> 
> I think your hubby has been thinking about some other guy tossing you around and it's really got him turned on. Has your sex been off the chats since?



Good point! I've heard that is a huge fantasy for most women.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

As'laDain said:


> My journey in polyamory started with my wife cheating on me with the neighbors wife.
> 
> We have had several threesomes since then. We are still married, and have no plans on changing that fact.
> 
> ...


Too bad we all can't be this lucky! Not that your wife cheated but that it turned out for the good. And at least you know she enjoys sex. Something that many spouses do not (i.e. my wife)


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> She has already opened a door she can never shut......





As'laDain said:


> My journey in polyamory started with my wife cheating on me with the neighbors wife.
> 
> We have had several threesomes since then. We are still married, and have no plans on changing that fact.
> 
> ...


Being on a second marriage doesn't mean that we dont value committment. We do 100%, we also value faithfullness and honesty. Adultery is a really serious thing, not something we would ever consider. 
I hope the OP doesnt agree to it. It would put the nail in the coffin of their marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Volunteer86 said:


> Good point! I've heard that is a huge fantasy for most women.


Really? Not so sure about that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Volunteer86 said:


> I tend to agree with you on this...


The thing is that he must know that with him there and her being there against her will, it isnt going to be anything like it was before.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In the OP's position I would say that I am very sorry that I cheated, I have done all I can to put things right and make amends, but there is no way that I am going to go along with this. If you feel you must seek out others to have sex as a sort of revenge affair then do so, and I will grant you a divorce so that you are free to do this. Then he has the choice.


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

Jpsully said:


> I had an affair last year and since I told my husband 8 months ago, we’ve recovered well. We are stronger than ever but he is still struggle with this intrusive thought of having a threesome. It stems from the man I had an affair with at one point asked if my husband would join. I never thought it would be taken well so I never asked. Now my husband feels like he missed out even though originally he’d never want one. He says he knows that doing this act just once will fully help him recover. It terrifies me. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and come super close with God. I don’t feel like it is ok to do because of our faith either. I feel like I owe him but I don’t want to do it and cause damage to myself. Any advice??


I don’t understand why there are so many cuckolding posts on these forums...but ok, let’s entertain this for a minute...

You felt it was ok to have sex with the affair guy behind husband’s back but now that your husband knows and seems ok about it (and is even asking not to be totally excluded, in order to get the ‘healing’ he thinks he needs), it is somehow not ok for you anymore or somehow ‘damaging’ to yourself? Now there are principles? What kind of damage would it cause you by including your husband in something you were already doing?
Isn’t marriage all about sharing most intimate moments together? And what could be more intimate than including your loved one into your lovemaking and sharing that happiness together 
——-
That’s why it’s important to find a sexually compatible partner: as an (incompatible) cuckold, you always lose with the wrong partner. When you beg your wife to watch her sleep with another guy while married, she refuses in disgust. When she has an affair, she will do it behind her partner’s back and still exclude him. When the partner finds out and asks to be included, she is somehow disgusted once again and finds it damaging. 
Life doesn’t always seem fair does it.


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> That is dumb.
> 
> I could understand if he was wanting to have a 3-way with two chicks. That would still be toxic and still wouldn’t help him heal, but I would at least understand where he was coming from.


Who wouldn’t heal with two chicks? I know I for sure could do with some healing and I am not even broken (yet). Let’s not be silly now. and keep making constructive suggestions


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I don't think any threesomes happen without the wife\GF being a part of it. I mean how many single guys ever get lucky with two women? Maybe .0000000000000000000001 percent of the world's male population?


The most reliable study I saw on this, was the one that said that the more zeroes you can scribble on your penis, the more likely you are to score a threesome with two chicks. Just be careful and always check they are real chicks


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> She said that since her affair she has got close to God.


Isn’t this already a kind of threesome? (By divine intervention, if you will, if God is always watching)


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Impulse said:


> Isn’t this already a kind of threesome? (By divine intervention, if you will, if God is always watching)


No its not a threesome.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Impulse said:


> I don’t understand why there are so many cuckolding posts on these forums...but ok, let’s entertain this for a minute...
> 
> You felt it was ok to have sex with the affair guy behind husband’s back but now that your husband knows and seems ok about it (and is even asking not to be totally excluded, in order to get the ‘healing’ he thinks he needs), it is somehow not ok for you anymore or somehow ‘damaging’ to yourself? Now there are principles? What kind of damage would it cause you by including your husband in something you were already doing?
> Isn’t marriage all about sharing most intimate moments together? And what could be more intimate than including your loved one into your lovemaking and sharing that happiness together
> ...


She clearly regrets deeply her affair and understands that her agreeing to this will be the death nell of the marriage. Its a crazy idea.


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> No its not a threesome.


Then why do wives tend to always scream out “oh Jesus!” when it’s supposedly only the two of ass? Something fishy is going on and I need to get to the bottom


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Impulse said:


> The most reliable study I saw on this, was the one that said that the more zeroes you can scribble on your penis, the more likely you are to score a threesome with two chicks. Just be careful and always check they are real chicks


so... im dating a trans woman. and a guy. and i am married. 

i can tell you, its not the number of zeroes. the key is to write satanic runes all over your penis and scrotum. helps to perform a few filtering rituals as well.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> Being on a second marriage doesn't mean that we dont value committment. We do 100%, we also value faithfullness and honesty. Adultery is a really serious thing, not something we would ever consider.
> I hope the OP doesnt agree to it. It would put the nail in the coffin of their marriage.


how about the third? fourth? fifth? at what point should they stop telling me they value commitment more than i do? 

remember, im still on my first marriage.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> She clearly regrets deeply her affair and understands that her agreeing to this will be the death nell of the marriage. Its a crazy idea.


The fact the POSOM asked about including him. She did not or maybe she did understand this was said to belittle the husband. As in, how about we invite him so he can watch me railing his wife. It was about throwing it in hubbys face and OP did not even get that. It is not about sharing her with her hubby. But in her affair she did not care her AP was belittling hubby.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

As'laDain said:


> how about the third? fourth? fifth? at what point should they stop telling me they value commitment more than i do?
> 
> remember, im still on my first marriage.


I know people who have had 2 divorces who are 100% committed to being faithful. In one case both their wives cheated on them and ended the marriage. Doesn't change the fact that the cheated on person wasnt faithful and committed. My husband was completely faithful and committed to his first wife in their marriage of 23 years. She however was not, doesnt change that he was, and we are both the same in this marriage of 16 years.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Impulse said:


> Then why do wives tend to always scream out “oh Jesus!” when it’s supposedly only the two of ass? Something fishy is going on and I need to get to the bottom


Pretty immature comment.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Too bad we all can't be this lucky! Not that your wife cheated but that it turned out for the good. And at least you know she enjoys sex. Something that many spouses do not (i.e. my wife)


Not sure that all men would think of adultery as being lucky.


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Pretty immature comment.


It sure was. So is this thread I thought..

But just hypothetically, put yourself into husband’s shoes: if you were committing adultery on a regular basis and your husband asked you if you’d allow him to at least watch, if it was the only way he could heal his wounds, you don’t think it would be doubly cruel to deny him at least that? 
Would you be putting your faith before the well-being and love for your husband? 
Sometimes we have to make uncomfortable choices. I know I would feel a strong sense of betrayal towards my wife if I didn’t honour her wishes and didn’t have a bunch of threesomes to relieve her pain, no matter how uncomfortable I or Jesus felt.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> I know people who have had 2 divorces who are 100% committed to being faithful. In one case both their wives cheated on them and ended the marriage. Doesn't change the fact that the cheated on person wasnt faithful and committed. My husband was completely faithful and committed to his first wife in their marriage of 23 years. She however was not, doesnt change that he was, and we are both the same in this marriage of 16 years.



wait, what were we talking about here? commitment to a marriage, or commitment to an idea? i am committed to a relationship with a person. not an idea.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

As'laDain said:


> wait, what were we talking about here? commitment to a marriage, or commitment to an idea? i am committed to a relationship with a person. not an idea.


Committment to a person and marriage. If you are cheated on and divorced against your will it doesnt change the fact that you were committed to that marriage and person and will be committed to a person you may marry in the future.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Impulse said:


> It sure was. So is this thread I thought..
> 
> But just hypothetically, put yourself into husband’s shoes: if you were committing adultery on a regular basis and your husband asked you if you’d allow him to at least watch, if it was the only way he could heal his wounds, you don’t think it would be doubly cruel to deny him at least that?
> Would you be putting your faith before the well-being and love for your husband?
> Sometimes we have to make uncomfortable choices. I know I would feel a strong sense of betrayal towards my wife if I didn’t honour her wishes and didn’t have a bunch of threesomes to relieve her pain, no matter how uncomfortable I or Jesus felt.


Firstly I wouldnt committ adultery, but if I had and was repentant and had done all I could to repair the marriage I would know that his weird request would make things worse, so no I wouldnt agree to it.


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Firstly I wouldnt committ adultery, but if I had and was repentant and had done all I could to repair the marriage I would know that his weird request would make things worse, so no I wouldnt agree to it.


I suppose the question is how far are you willing to go & make sacrifices to help your husband before if becomes...inconvenient for you. 
If he felt very strongly this request would help him heal, why should it be up to to you to judge whether that request is valid or not?
The reason it is interesting to think about it is because we are faced with choices to make sacrifices every day (granted, on a much smaller scale). We also make ****ty excuses up to justify to ourselves why we can’t be bothered to do something so that we can feel self-righteous about it and call it morals.
Not calling anyone out in particular, I’m saying we are all doing it to some degree. Unless we realise and admit it, we won’t better ourselves.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Impulse said:


> I suppose the question is how far are you willing to go & make sacrifices to help your husband before if becomes...inconvenient for you.
> If he felt very strongly this request would help him heal, why should it be up to to you to judge whether that request is valid or not?
> The reason it is interesting to think about it is because we are faced with choices to make sacrifices every day (granted, on a much smaller scale). We also make ****ty excuses up to justify to ourselves why we can’t be bothered to do something so that we can feel self-righteous about it and call it morals.
> Not calling anyone out in particular, I’m saying we are all doing it to some degree. Unless we realise and admit it, we won’t better ourselves.


Adultery never heals adultery. Thankfully I have a man who would know that. He didnt cheat just because his wife did. Its not about not being not bothered to do something, but about what basic common sense says wont help but would only cause more mess and bring more hurt.
I would make sacrifies for my husband but not by agreeing to something that is just plain madness and that would hurt him more and ruin the marriage for good.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Impulse said:


> if you were committing adultery on a regular basis and your husband asked you if you’d allow him to at least watch, if it was the only way he could heal his wounds, you don’t think it would be doubly cruel to deny him at least that?


No, it would be cruel to put the BS through that. There is a very slim chance that it would actually help and a very high chance that it would cause even more destruction. The WS would be foolish to go through with a plan like that. Do you think any IC or MC would tell a couple to do that?

If your spouse is a recovered crack or meth addict but you never got to see them high, would you ask them to destroy their recovery and get high again just so you can see what it was like?

If I asked my wife to sleep with either of her AP's again and said I wanted to watch or join in, it would be a HUGE hell no from her. That's a good thing as far as I'm concerned. She knows that wouldn't solve anything and she doesn't want to go down that path again. I would be far more concerned if she said "yes" to ****ing her AP's again than if she declined my request.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Well ... ole JPsully never came back. Perhaps she became the filling for a man sandwich.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> Well ... ole JPsully never came back. Perhaps she became the filling for a man sandwich.


 Hope not.


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

bobert said:


> No, it would be cruel to put the BS through that. There is a very slim chance that it would actually help and a very high chance that it would cause even more destruction. The WS would be foolish to go through with a plan like that. Do you think any IC or MC would tell a couple to do that?
> 
> If your spouse is a recovered crack or meth addict but you never got to see them high, would you ask them to destroy their recovery and get high again just so you can see what it was like?
> 
> If I asked my wife to sleep with either of her AP's again and said I wanted to watch or join in, it would be a HUGE hell no from her. That's a good thing as far as I'm concerned. She knows that wouldn't solve anything and she doesn't want to go down that path again. I would be far more concerned if she said "yes" to ****ing her AP's again than if she declined my request.


I don’t know, leaving aside that it’s a threesome, part of me would feel disturbed by the fact that it’s suddenly not ok because the husband is now asking for something that she was (is) already doing. Somehow it puts it into a different category of ‘immoral’ from the regular type of adultery?
It’s not so much about the fact whether she will end up doing it or not but more about the fact that he has a right to ask, if he feels it would make him feel better. Why should the wife be the final arbiter of what is the best way to alleviate his pain? That’s surely up to the BS. It’s not asking something she hasn’t done before..
Anyway, who knows. I doubt this comes up very often as a practical problem in everyday life...but then I thought that that was the case about at least 90% of stuff here


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Impulse said:


> I don’t know, leaving aside that it’s a threesome, part of me would feel disturbed by the fact that it’s suddenly not ok because the husband is now asking for something that she was (is) already doing. Somehow it puts it into a different category of ‘immoral’ from the regular type of adultery?
> It’s not so much about the fact whether she will end up doing it or not but more about the fact that he has a right to ask, if he feels it would make him feel better. Why should the wife be the final arbiter of what is the best way to alleviate his pain? That’s surely up to the BS. It’s not asking something she hasn’t done before..
> Anyway, who knows. I doubt this comes up very often as a practical problem in everyday life...but then I thought that that was the case about at least 90% of stuff here


But the WS isn't already doing it because she wasn't banging two guys at once. She also isn't still doing it because she already called off the affair. You're asking her to restart something that shouldn't be restarted. Like I said, it's like asking your recovered addict spouse to get high again just so you can see it. "You did it before so you can do it again" really isn't a good argument for any request. 

The BS has a right to ask for whatever he wants, and the WS has the right to say no - especially when it's something harmful. If you don't want the wife to call the shots on what will help his pain, then like I said, get into MC and ask them first.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I dont think POSOM ever intended to have a 3some with hubby and wife. I believe it was a sarcastic way to ridicule the husband to the OP. So he can watch me doing his wife better that he could, etc.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Hope not.


Why not? Since she might enjoy the experience.


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

Personal said:


> Why not? Since she might enjoy the experience.


What’s wrong about a good old fashioned Sunday spit roast? 
Happy Sunday


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Personal said:


> Why not? Since she might enjoy the experience.


I doubt it.


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