# I don't really have a reason anymore.



## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

I realize I have been going through monthly cycles for awhile now. For a week or so everything is amazing in the marriage, then everything settles. She stops doing all of things she promised she would do and I start getting cold.

I slowly go from being upset to very angry to cold. I want to care about her, but I look at her and don't want to be intimate. I CARE about her but I don't think that is love. I just want to be sure she is taken care of and doesn't have to feel alone or hurt. Still, I am starting to lose my compassion for that basic desire.

She thinks everything is wonderful (which is how she is after blowups) but I am just on a different level. I don't really have a reason to stay or leave anymore. I just feel lost and helpless. If I leave I feel like a jerk for taking off with no reason other than "I just don't feel it's working anymore. I am not happy and I want to leave."

If I pitch that, I have to just not care and pack and leave. But I DO care, just not enough to be happy with her or want to give her any more chances (50+ in 4 years is just wearing on me)

My friends and family are tired of our situation and have asked that I no longer bring my problems to them because they have all strongly advised me to leave. But because she is mentally ill (Borderline personality disorder) I have IMMENSE Fear, Obligation and Guilt towards her and have a hard time disconnecting. 

I am just too good of a guy and can't put my own needs and wants ahead of hers because I am the caretaker. But this is starting to wear on me and I just don't want to go through all this anymore. :[


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

Please share examples of you guys dynamics.....


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

jeffreygropp said:


> I realize I have been going through monthly cycles for awhile now. For a week or so everything is amazing in the marriage, then everything settles. She stops doing all of things she promised she would do and I start getting cold.
> 
> I slowly go from being upset to very angry to cold. I want to care about her, but I look at her and don't want to be intimate. I CARE about her but I don't think that is love. I just want to be sure she is taken care of and doesn't have to feel alone or hurt. Still, I am starting to lose my compassion for that basic desire.
> 
> ...


We only live once. This ain't no rehearsal. But I'm guessing you know that. You do sound like a codependent. That’s a tough life.

Bob


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

AFEH said:


> We only live once. This ain't no rehearsal. But I'm guessing you know that. You do sound like a codependent. That’s a tough life.
> 
> Bob


I am, there's no question.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I made the decision my wife can live without me and I can live without my wife. She's had a tough time emotionally but she's not doing too bad in the ten months we've been separated.

It's the second best decision I've made in my life. The first was marrying her in the first place.

I've not regretted either of those decisions.

Bob


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## gfl (Aug 16, 2010)

AFEH said:


> I made the decision my wife can live without me and I can live without my wife. She's had a tough time emotionally but she's not doing too bad in the ten months we've been separated.
> 
> It's the second best decision I've made in my life. The first was marrying her in the first place.
> 
> ...


bob how long where you married ? and jeffery are you saying youve been together 54 years ?


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## gfl (Aug 16, 2010)

oh i see 50 plus chances in 4 years got it


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I was the caretaker. Stuck it out for a long, long time and anticipated things would get really bad when I said I had had enough. Things hit rock bottom, pretty much as I anticipated and I was worried my kids might lose their father. I hung in there, pulled in all the resources (doctors, his family, etc.), and we all got through it. I still feel guilty-I imagine that will last a while. But other than guilt, I feel nothing but relief. For me and for my kids--they are seeing a different and, imho, better way to live, rather than the co-dependent model of marriage they were witnessing. It hasn't been easy, but I would not change what I've done.

That was my decision, my path. We each have to find our own way. Good luck.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

gfl said:


> bob how long where you married ? and jeffery are you saying youve been together 54 years ?


I'm separated 10 months, married 38 years, courting 4 years so 42 years in total. I’m in a very new world now and thoroughly enjoying it. Marriage can be an institution. I’m glad I’m out.

Overall I feel truly blessed to have been with my wife for so very long.

Bob


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

AFEH said:


> I'm separated 10 months, married 38 years, courting 4 years so 42 years in total. I’m in a very new world now and thoroughly enjoying it. Marriage can be an institution. I’m glad I’m out.
> 
> Overall I feel truly blessed to have been with my wife for so very long.
> 
> Bob


How wonderful to hear after that long of time, you do not view those years as a mistake. My H after 12yrs married, 18 together total, says if we end seperate ways, it was all a mistake. I do not view it that way. We shared many many wonderful moments and heartbreaking moments that without each other would have never gotten through. He now says often I complete him and he is dying inside knowing he may not complete me anymore. Sadly though, he has stated if we do not make it, he cannot stay around for me or daughter. He cannot live in same state as he doesn't want daughter to see him hurting, miserable, and with nothing. That makes me angry, sad, guilty, just very rollercoaster emotional. Becuase of me and what I may decide, decides the fate of my daughter having a dad in her life. So extremely not fair to her. And in next breath says I should not feel guilty for how I feel. Wow..no wonder I'm ready to be medicated.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

emotionalwreck said:


> How wonderful to hear after that long of time, you do not view those years as a mistake. My H after 12yrs married, 18 together total, says if we end seperate ways, it was all a mistake. I do not view it that way. We shared many many wonderful moments and heartbreaking moments that without each other would have never gotten through. He now says often I complete him and he is dying inside knowing he may not complete me anymore. Sadly though, he has stated if we do not make it, he cannot stay around for me or daughter. He cannot live in same state as he doesn't want daughter to see him hurting, miserable, and with nothing. That makes me angry, sad, guilty, just very rollercoaster emotional. Becuase of me and what I may decide, decides the fate of my daughter having a dad in her life. So extremely not fair to her. And in next breath says I should not feel guilty for how I feel. Wow..no wonder I'm ready to be medicated.


My stbx once referred to our marriage as "Decades of wasted investment". I felt very sad for her and glad I didn’t see it that way.

Bob


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

jeffreygropp said:


> I realize I have been going through monthly cycles for awhile now. For a week or so everything is amazing in the marriage, then everything settles. She stops doing all of things she promised she would do and I start getting cold.
> 
> I slowly go from being upset to very angry to cold. I want to care about her, but I look at her and don't want to be intimate. I CARE about her but I don't think that is love. I just want to be sure she is taken care of and doesn't have to feel alone or hurt. Still, I am starting to lose my compassion for that basic desire.
> 
> ...


The only words I can offer is that I understand exactly how you feel. I wish that I wouldn't worry about her if we split, but I will. Do you have kids? 

I would suggest that until your mind is made, keep doing the things you should be doing for yourself. Exercise, keep the hobbies going, stay sane.

Do you ever find yourself wondering how a potential future partner might feel if you suggest seeing an expert 'just to make sure she isn't BPD' also? Of course, in my case, my twin brother was a brawler in our youth. Now, he's an engineer, but still a tough guy. It's been a long time since he could take me (I'm a muscular guy), but he said he would if I didn't listen to him the next time.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Brioli said:


> Please share examples of you guys dynamics.....


With borderline personality disorder, the common dynamics tend to center around the person's tendency to swap from extreme idealization of their partner to extreme devaluation. For me, the devaluation is more common. Transient, almost psychotic paranoid behavior, self-abusive behavor, suicidal tendencies and chronic feelings of emptinesss.

My wife lives in a mind that cannot see gray areas. It's either all good, but more commonly all bad. Once a flaw is detected in her partner, me, I became a very bad person in her eyes. But for a guy, it's hard to leave a person who is ill. She will see it forever as abandonment.


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## chris77 (Jun 18, 2011)

takris said:


> With borderline personality disorder, the common dynamics tend to center around the person's tendency to swap from extreme idealization of their partner to extreme devaluation. For me, the devaluation is more common. Transient, almost psychotic paranoid behavior, self-abusive behavor, suicidal tendencies and chronic feelings of emptinesss.
> 
> My wife lives in a mind that cannot see gray areas. It's either all good, but more commonly all bad. Once a flaw is detected in her partner, me, I became a very bad person in her eyes. But for a guy, it's hard to leave a person who is ill. She will see it forever as abandonment.


I can totally relate to your story. My wife of less than 2 years has BPD also which I found out about a year later into the relationship. At one point we were having the craziest ( verbal ) fights every single day. Basically anything i said ticked her off. I can't stand fights. And believe me, I treat her with the utmost respect and care and still find myself constantly walking on egg shells. All it takes is one word to be misinterpreted and all hell breaks loose. By nature, I can't stand fights. I will take the talk things out path any time. After a change of address and a few more talks here and there things have improved a great deal. BPD is still there, you just never know when it will act up but thank God, things have been manageable for longer I could ever imagine before. She has a history of not being able to keep a job for long because of amongst other things, a hot temper, and a tendency to think ppl are giving her funny looks, or making fun of her, or not taking her seriously. But again, things have improved a lot. She recently got a new job that she genuinely seems to be enjoying, and is supposedly getting along with everyone there. The job keeps her busy and helps our relationship a lot in the sense that less time spent together means less confrontations; With that said, we tend to stay at peace and enjoy our time together more. By staying busy she will still have to deal with the overwhelming negative thoughts, vibes, and feelings, but no so frequently and on a much lower scale. Good Luck


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

thread's almost a year old.


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