# Confessions of my EA



## Confused Aussie (Mar 27, 2014)

Firstly I'd like to say hello and thank you, this forum has been of indispensable value to me and my self 'awakening' also inturn my marriage.

I'm writing this in hope that it may help someone in understanding why their spouse has or had an EA, whilst I can appreciate that everyone is different and I in no way condone what I and no doubt many others have done I hope some insight will help at least one other person.

Enough with the self justification and onto my confession.

It began about 4 years ago now and lasted for over 12 months, I never started out to have an EA nor did I ever believe I would however after years of distance in our relationship I was vulnerable and felt alone, that when woman no.1 decided to add me on Facebook, I never really knew her but she was the ex of a friend and they'd been apart for sometime, it was innocent at first, not much contact and nothing out of the ordinary considering the basis of knowing each other, one night I was online she was online and we had both been drinking, she confessed to always having a crush on me ect etc, whilst my knowledge of her bi-sexuality and her attractiveness played apart in my decision the feeling of loneliness ultimately led me to enjoy the attention, I'm only human after all, whilst its obvious here that I have done wrong the excuses I give are of little consequence, this particular EA lasted for several months and was my only indiscretion of our relationship, I grew fearful of being caught and had a large regret of what I was doing.
I ended this EA and set upon never doing it again. a few months went by when an ex added me on Facebook, same situation unfolded and I decided to go with it again as my marriage had not improved at all since the last time, I reasoned to myself that I didn't get caught, I had done nothing physical and therefor nothing wrong, as this new EA developed I started the previous one again.
As time went by I started not deleting conversations or emails, I gave up on hiding it, I played my wife's trust and continued to get away with it to the point another ex added me on Facebook and we almost instantly started an EA.
Whilst the content of these conversations were mostly explicit the part I felt guilt about was I enjoyed having in-depth conversations about my feelings and theirs, giving each other advice, joking around and honestly I was finding what I desired in a relationship online with another (several others).
After 12 months of playing 3 women on the side of my wife my guilt built up and I was preparing to end the EA's when I had a change in work circumstances, this being my excuse to end it with them (I had developed feelings for them and did not want to outright reject them).
The change at work was about 2 weeks away when my wife decided to 'check' on me, no doubt due to suspicions, remember I had given up trying to hide anything.
What she found was another side of me she never expected at all, whilst I can only assume her feelings I'm sure if your reading this you have those feelings or are experiencing them from another so I wont go into that further.
Needless to say the EA's ended on that day and my marriage has suffered since, Here are points and what I have learned from it all.

I felt alone and vulnerable, I needed loving and attention from someone, anyone.

I failed to communicate this to my wife, she had no idea I felt alone and insecure.

I didn't pay attention to my wife 'screaming out for help', She withdrew from our relationship (life in general) due a very traumatic life experience.

I wasn't there for her but expected her to be there for me, failing to communicate is my suspicion for this.

Whilst I can tell her, you and myself I was going to end these EA's prior to being caught out, I realise IF I did then no doubt I would have had more.

It's not that I'm sorry I got caught (well I am) but I'm sorry that I hurt her in such away.

I've learned that communication is fundamental, if I had listened to her needs and expressed my own I believe I never would have felt alone.
I now believe that I fell/fall into the 'nice guy' category (Sounds hypocritical right?) and had for some time leading to distance in the relationship, as I tried to become closer to her she pushed me away, I sought attention from others to fill that gap ect ect, I think this has been the most damaging circumstance to our relationship.

But most of all (And this is what I'm trying to express the most) Is that I felt no connection at all to these women, I realise at the end of it all I never wanted to be with them, I wanted to be like this with my wife, I wanted the anonymity of not being judged for what I talked about, much the same as this forum provides, the inhibition to freely express myself without embarrassment, I have only expressed this to my wife, mother and one very very close friend, I am embarrassed and ashamed by what I have done and expressing it here helps, much the same as I was expressing myself to these women.
Essentially I was only talking (typing) to a computer screen, it was not who was behind it or what the response was.

To that end, I feel the notion that much as a forum is an outlet of expression, in my scenario the EA was also, I don't justify my actions with this I done wrong and know that it hurt my wife beyond belief, and for that I am truly sorry.

Proudly I can claim that after 2 plus years I have not sought or been tempted to have another EA. And by some twisted cosmic joke it has brought us closer together on many levels, we communicate, she understands my sexual inhibitions, I understand her reasons for pushing me away and most of all we have nothing to hide from each other, nothing is perfect and I find myself on this forum seeking guidance on another topic.

For the time being my wife has stuck by me and whilst claims to have forgiven me. I think I have hurt her deeply and I doubt she'll ever see me in the same light again.

Thank you for reading my long post that no doubt has many grammatical errors and I'm sure is difficult to follow.


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## biola (Dec 28, 2012)

Good ending!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

Thanks for sharing. I just recently found out my husband had an EA and I see a lot of us in your story. I hope we have a happy ending too.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

Interesting post! 

This sounds very much like what my WH did. He also had a couple of EA's over an 18 month period.

Have you worked out why you did not sit down and tell your wife right from the get go that you were getting too close to another woman on an emotional level; and that the potential for betrayal was there? Why did you not front up to her then and say that the relationship between the two of you was floundering and that things had to change?

I think you mentioned you were a "Nice Guy".

Interestingly so was my WH. I say was, because he's working on becoming "un-nice" and there has been dramatic changes in our relationship since he has been doing this work.

Thanks for sharing.


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