# Friends with your ex lover?



## Magma (Oct 30, 2014)

Hi, i've been coming to this forum regularly trying to find answers, points of view and people with similar scenarios. Now i have the courage to post this new thread of mine... I' ll appreciate your advice i feel a little lost.
I've been almost 2 years with my girlfriend and want to take things more serious we live together and we have discuss our future but there's one thing that's been bothering me.
I'm thinking about taking the next step but i have to be sure that this is the right decision or the right time.
She had slept with some of her friends and i know she doesnt talk to them on a reglar basis. But she lied to me about one.
When i asked her about this friend she told me that they were really good friends and have been for a long time and that nothing happened , but last month i knew the truth, they had some sort of a relationship and didnt work out and decidied that they work better as friends. 
Now i know the truth. 
He doesnt live in the same state but they talk from time to time and it makes me feel weird. ( i know the guy) 
I feel that i dont have the right to ask her to stop talking to him but at the same time i want to.
Is it possible? Can you be friends with someone that you shared a sexual past? 
Am i wrong?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

> Is it possible? Can you be friends with someone that you shared a sexual past?


Many here are going to say no but my answer is yes you can but it is very dependent on the people involved.
I am friends with my ex husband, we co parent our kids, we have social events together. If we didn't have kids together I doubt we would stay in contact much.

I have an old FWB on my FB friends list, we truly were friends, had common interests and had NSA sex.

I have two past (and I mean really old past) boyfriends on FB.

I am 100% loyal to my partner, have never cheated in my life but I am a person that can maintain very strong boundaries and not afraid to cut people from my life if needed to protect my relationship.

There is no right or wrong response here as it is a very individual situation.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Magma, I was in a similar situation as yours. When I first started dating my husband, he had unfinished business with another woman. 

Between the dribs and drabs of info that he gave me about her and my experience with these types of women (they claim to be "just friends" but then have boyfriend expectations of the guys they are just friends with and then will do anything they can to make it difficult for the guy to have girlfriend...... well, at least one with any self esteem)

I started t feel that as he was demanding more and more of my time (a scarce and valuable resource, if you ask me), that he was also holding back on a few things.

So even before I found TAM, I snooped. Some of the assumptions that I made I was right about That is
1) he had shared intimate information about me to her
2) she advised him to dump me
3) when they go together, less and les, but still, he was more generous with her than he was with me (and I was the one giving him more time and faithfulness.... she had another boyfriend.)

This was before the one year mark, so I told him that if he needed to keep her around, then I would start dating other men and find a real boyfriend like she did.

Given the past that they had, there was no way I was going to be generous and risk letting her influence our relationship anymore than she had.

My advice to you is to do some of your own research before you have that talk with her. She may do as my husband did, derail the conversation with "he's just a friend and that's that." And that will get you nowhere other than needing to break up completely

I would say gaining access to her e-mails, social media memberships and phone, particularly texts, will most likely help you to build a picture as whether the TWO of them maintain acceptable boundaries as friends.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

It could be Ok depending on the nature of the relationship between them . BUT, this is assuming she is 100% honest about their past history with you. This does not seem to be the case here. I would demand she be up front and honest with you. In a long term relationship such as this one I belive yiu have the right to know about past lovers if they are still in your girlfriends life. 

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

There's no way to tell if she lied because she's hiding something or because she thought you'd have a negative reaction to something that she's put behind her. 

While ANY lie is an indicator to "proceed with caution" the reality is that NOBODY tells you about their character flaws on the first few dates. That's why we date before jumping in with both feet,, to better assess those we're dating. After two years, you ought to have figured her out enough to know the level of her committment or see obvious signs that she's wavering.

Beyond that, I'm loathe to 'judge' a new/recent partner by the traits of any previous one. I don't want to inflict emotional 'drama' on myself by trying to guess the intricacies of their relationships with people they've known longer than me.

If you allow a partner their freedom - as opposed to excessive monitoring - sooner or later they'll reveal their true character or signs that they're tiring of you. Might be a month,, might be two years or more. The moment they start showing lack of consideration, increased irritability, not wanting to spend time together, reduced physical/emotional intimacy and other red flags, I figure they don't want to be with me. I don't need the icing on the cake of catching them with another guy,, I'm gone.

I'm still friends with my first LTR. We've known each other since we were 10 and we're like siblings to each other. We talk on the phone 2 or 3 times a year and meet up every 3 or 4 years. Neither of us has any intention of rekindling our physical relationship and I'm not about to sacrifice a 40-year friendship on somebody's false notion that I might be cheating with her.

I don't cheat,, I don't tolerate cheaters, but life's too short to be wasting it on insecurity,, your own or a partner's. Learn to be happy on your own and set boundaries for relationships. If the latter causes you more turmoil than the former it's time to end it,,, regardless of the reason(s).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Magma said:


> I feel that i dont have the right to ask her to stop talking to him but at the same time i want to.


You have the right to ask her for whatever it is that you feel is appropriate and healthy for your relationship.

There is no "rule" when it comes to this. Rules are defined by individuals.

But before you do, you should accept the person in front of you. You have a person that doesn't think there is anything wrong with it. That by default is worrisome and quite suspect.




Magma said:


> Is it possible? Can you be friends with someone that you shared a sexual past?
> Am i wrong?


Anything is possible, but what are the chances of above? Especially from a male/her friend perspective.

Your only issue is the fact that your girl thinks it's ok to engage and be friends with people she has sexual past with.

TO ME, this is part of our boundaries. It's simply disrespectful and inappropriate to do so.

In my relationship, being friends with opposite sex (with no sexual past) is a boundary as well.

Not because I don't trust my wife or anything like that. Simply due to human nature. Marriage/relationship is full of up and downs. Whenever you have 2 members of opposite sex there WILL be tension and chemistry (in time). It's inevitable regardless how "disciplined/trustworthy" a person might be.....ESPECIALLY during the "down" times.

Then there is the whole male perspective thingy. I've been around enough males to know that MOST (not all) will never be friends with a girl that they don't find attractive.

OP, I would recommend that you have a serious talk with her about all of the above and get a feel for her reaction. If she refuses, it's your call if you want to accept this sort of a partner.

I wouldn't


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We both have one or two friends who are past lovers. There are no issues of trust or boundaries. We know and are friendly with each other's exes. We have even vacationed with them and their SOs.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

If they had a past relationship and sexual one at that you have every right to be concerned. The fact she lied about it is even more concerning than the fact it occurred. You have the absolute right to set boundarys for yourself here and say that is not an ok relationship if we move forward. She will have to make that decision, then you will have to make yours. Relationships like the one you describe seem to be the type that a few years from now they start facebooking about how they wish they tried harder together, then texting and well you get the rest. 

Why did she lie about it? That would be enough for me as a deal breaker


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## Magma (Oct 30, 2014)

Thank you for your words, i feel that i have to talk to her about all this, i know the guy ( i didnt know about the past i thought they were just friends) and he knows about us. 
When we went out as a group a couple of months ago she was not different to me , we were kissing , holding hands, nothing wrong or different and this guy was there.
But the fact that when i asked her she told me they were just friends and now i know that they were something else makes me feel weird...maybe im wrong but i feel in a way that he is just waiting for something to be wrong... I dont know.
I have to think about what im feeling and thinking also ill have to talk to her.
I tried when i first knew all this and she got upset that someone told me something about her past "relationship" i didnt say anything but it left me with alot of quiestions and confusion.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Ex lovers have no place in a serious monogamous relationship. Go read Marduk's thread from beginning to end and see how that is working out for him.

Tell your GF how you feel, but also tell her that for the relationship to go to the next level, all her satellite exes need to be exiled post haste. If she won't, then thank her for the good times and move on to the next candidate.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Magma,

You have it from both sides here and have received solid counsel. I married a woman who had unfinished business with an ex. I did not know they had a sexual past and did not know until after we were married. Let me tell you something. It still sucks 30 years later. 

This I do know. If it bothers you now it always will unless she is willing to cut him off..............................................forever. I can appreciate that this situation is not an issue for many but we are all built differently from an emotional standpoint. Do not kid yourself into believing this is not a big deal because it can have long lasting ramifications if you gloss over it.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Ex lovers have no place in a serious monogamous relationship. Go read Marduk's thread from beginning to end and see how that is working out for him.
> 
> Tell your GF how you feel, but also tell her that for the relationship to go to the next level, all her satellite exes need to be exiled post haste. If she won't, then thank her for the good times and move on to the next candidate.


Dude, you couldn't be more spot on, all it takes is an alignment of small marital problems and a reciprocating understanding from an ex to ignite what will become an EA, and since the just friends moniker would have been toted around for any length of time those involved wouldn't know it until it was too late. I mean, it is not as if they were good friends playing D & D or basketball together, they obviously had some attraction that worked and in essence is an EX, the most dangerous intruder to any relationship. Read Marduk's thread, hell, I've lived it three times, it always ends the same. Like scooby doo?


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Maybe some can be friends with people that they had a sexual past with but if you love the person you are with you should stop having contact with them. If you accidentally run into them on the street say hi, no need to be rude but don't stop and talk for an hour.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

It is not okay because she hid the truth about their relationship.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

My opinion is that my husband could not be friends with ex-lovers. That goes for me as well. We have acquaintances and mutual friends. No one attends an event, without the other. I have no need for a female best friend; my husband is my best friend. No going to bars for me nor have a girls' night out; applies to husband as well. I don't drink. I'm married going on 35 years. I keep my life simple and no nonsense. I'm a career woman, needs peace, and a good night's sleep.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Magma said:


> Thank you for your words, i feel that i have to talk to her about all this, i know the guy ( i didnt know about the past i thought they were just friends) and he knows about us.
> When we went out as a group a couple of months ago she was not different to me , we were kissing , holding hands, nothing wrong or different and this guy was there.
> *But the fact that when i asked her she told me they were just friends and now i know that they were something else *makes me feel weird...maybe im wrong but i feel in a way that he is just waiting for something to be wrong... I dont know.
> I have to think about what im feeling and thinking also ill have to talk to her.
> I tried when i first knew all this and she got upset that someone told me something about her past "relationship" i didnt say anything but it left me with alot of quiestions and confusion.


Your biggest red flag here is that she blatantly lied to you about him. Not only did this put you in a weak position in front of him but also undermines your relationship completely.

Did she give you a credible (something that you believe) reason for lying ??? This alone would be very worrying.


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