# Anxiety triggered by yelling/angry outbursts?



## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Lately, my husband has been stressed out and he has had a few outbursts. Yesterday, he called me and had one while we were on the phone over something stupid. When we hung up, I felt like I was on the verge of having an anxiety attack but I was able to stay composed. Today, he had another one because I was cleaning up some of his stuff in the garage and he doesn’t like it when I clean up his things because he doesn’t know where I put stuff. I, on the other hand, feel like I have to do it, otherwise who knows when it will get done. After his outburst today, I felt that same feeling of anxiety except this time I couldn’t control it. I went upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom just so I could be alone and let everything out. My husband did come up and apologize. I do have a history of anxiety and I’m currently on Zoloft, but lately I feel like my anxiety is getting triggered by anything having to do with confrontation or yelling. Just wondering if this happens to anyone else and if so, how do you deal with it?


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I would say take in consideration that he has been stressed out and try not to take it personable. He did apologize which is good. But if he is doing this a little too often, then something else might be going on. My spouse is very anxious and refuses to get any help. He has many outbursts. In the beginning of our 20-yr marriage I would get upset and cry. Sometimes he did apologize. Many years later now I just let him throw his tantrum. It still effects me BUT I do my best to take care of me-- deep breaths or don't allow him to get me upset.. just not worth it.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Send him to the doctor to get some Zoloft like you're taking. Better yet, get rid of your husband. You don't put up with being treated like he treats you. I don't understand so many women on drugs in order to deal with their marriage. This has actually always been the case. I'm 59 and have heard about this since I was a kid of 9 or 10 years old. What on earth?!

I bet he isn't having any "outbursts" at his employer or his co-workers or some big burly guy who can beat his arse. It's just you because he knows he can get away with it.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Make an appointment with him to sit down and talk about a serious matter. Do it in non-casual manner so it stands out more to him.

Explain how this affects you in detail, (even tho he already knows) and let him know that _he has to stop_. He needs to find another way to deal with it, because you can’t physically handle it. Also, that you will no longer take it from him. It stops NOW. Let him know that *if* he chooses to do this to you again, you will immediately hang up the phone, or get in the car and leave. 

He will most likely be apologetic and say he won’t do it anymore.

Give him a chance to improve, but when he fails and starts an, outburst do exactly what you tell him in your meeting you are going to do. Things will change, or else you may need to threaten even bigger repercussions.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

He has been on anti depressants in the past but he isn’t on anything currently. He’s also been diagnosed with ADD, and he took adderal for a period of time. I’ve told him before that he’s easier to get along with when he’s on the adderal but I think it has some side effects that he doesn’t like. As for me, I’ve pretty much had anxiety issues for the majority of my life, not just since getting married. Of course, the sudden angry outbursts and getting yelled at certainly makes the anxiety worse.

I think it is a great suggestion to have a talk with him and to let him know that I will leave the house the next time he yells/verbally attacks me. To be honest, that’s what I wanted to do today but I didn’t, which is why I locked myself in the bathroom. But my gut reaction was to just get in my car and get away until the situation deescalated. I don’t know why I didn’t. I plan on having a talk with him tomorrow. 

One of the main things that really bothered me today was when he got so worked up over me moving his things around in the garage. He has a few boxes of stuff with random things in them from when we moved last year that he hasn’t sorted through yet. Last night he went digging through them trying to find something. In the process, he made a big mess and didn’t clean up after himself. So today, I let him know that I was going to go out there and clean it up myself. He claims that he didn’t know I meant that I was going to do it today, but he has a tendency to not hear/not remember a lot of things that I say. When he saw me putting stuff back into boxes, he starts yelling and freaking out, asking how he will ever be able to organize or go through things if I just keep putting stuff back into boxes. He yelled “this is retarded!! If you’re going to keep putting stuff away, then I’m not even going to mess with it! You can go through everything yourself!!” and he said it right in front of our 4 year old. I thought he had just made a mess when he was trying to find whatever he was looking for last night. I had no idea that the stuff scattered in the garage floor was stuff that he had intentionally put there and was trying to organize.

I’m going to let him know that if he has an issue with me or something I’m doing, we can discuss it like two adults, but I’m not going to stand by and put up with him raising his voice and the disrespectful behavior. He’s not always like this. It’s just, this last week or so, he’s had a horrible attitude. I was trying to be understanding at first, thinking he was just having a rough day or two, but it just keeps going on and on. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t act like this when he’s at work just because someone does something that irritates him (he would probably be fired by now if he did). I agree that he is doing it with me because I’ve let him get away with it, but I’m not going to anymore.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Good for you, it sounds like you're on the right track.

On the flipside if you'd pick up after me in the garage, I'd marry you. Just kiddin', happily married 35 yrs here in a couple months. 

DW and I expect from each other to pick up our own mess, if you will.

If I take too long, depending on what it is, things end up in the middle of my desk in a pile or in garage, piled wherever. 

It's my risk to take 😁.

Sometimes my sentences start with "where did you put...?" But honestly half the time I find "it" by the time I finish that sentence. 

But it's extremely rare this is a big deal. It's never said in harsh tones or anger. Works for us anyway, and many couples. Kind of normal.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Ragnar- I think the way that you and your W handle this is how it should be. That’s why I warned him that I was going to clean up his things in the garage today. I woke up to a mess in the garage from the night before, he hadn’t cleaned it up, so I decided I would. I also tell him where I put things almost always. But as I said, he tends to not remember (or to not listen) to the things that I say. That’s why he was upset when he called me a couple days ago. He had recently gone shopping and took my van. He had bought some planting stuff like seeds, a flower pot, soil, etc. Later, I was going to go grocery shopping and saw that he had left all that stuff in the back of my van. So, since I needed that space for groceries, I got his stuff out and put it in the garage. This weekend, he calls me ranting that he was going to do some planting but he can’t find his seeds, and wants to know what I did with them. I asked if he looked in the cabinet in the garage and he admitted to looking in there briefly but said he didn’t “have time” to look all day or something to that effect. Then he went off about how anytime he wants to do a project, it always takes him forever because he can’t ever find what he needs. I went to the garage and looked in the cabinet, and it took me less than 60 seconds to find the seeds. Most of them were in the cabinet and they were in plain view. I always try to put stuff in plain view so that it’s easier for him to find. There were also some seeds sitting on top of his tool bench, also in plain view. I guess he just expects me to look at a mess for weeks/months or longer until he gets around to cleaning it up himself. Messes don’t really bother him but I can’t stand it.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

cc48kel said:


> I would say take in consideration that he has been stressed out and try not to take it personable. He did apologize which is good. But if he is doing this a little too often, then something else might be going on. My spouse is very anxious and refuses to get any help. He has many outbursts. In the beginning of our 20-yr marriage I would get upset and cry. Sometimes he did apologize. Many years later now I just let him throw his tantrum. It still effects me BUT I do my best to take care of me-- deep breaths or don't allow him to get me upset.. just not worth it.


I'm sorry, but this sounds like "just endure and excuse the abuse."

I strongly disagree


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> I'm sorry, but this sounds like "just endure and excuse the abuse."
> 
> I strongly disagree



Yes you are right!!! It is abuse that I have put up with for many years- he's a great provider but no reason to treat me bad.. My family knows him well and I have been telling my sister more and more about our relationship. He too needs antidepressants but refuses. So tomorrow, I am going to speak with his older brother to see if he can help encourage at least marriage counseling. Spouse tends to look up to his older brothers. so I'm hoping there's a chance. He's a good person but his anxiety ( could be bi-polar) makes him a monster at times and my BP has been up this past month--- not good for my health at all!!.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

I had a talk with him and I let him know that as two adults, yelling and having angry outbursts aren’t appropriate ways of communication. I let him know that if he did it again, I would get in my van and leave, and that I would come back when I felt the situation had calmed down. He said I didn’t need to give him an “ultimatum” and that he wouldn’t yell anymore. I explained that I wasn’t trying to give him ultimatums, but I was just trying to take care of myself. If I feel I need to leave the situation in order to avoid having a nervous breakdown, then I’m going to do what I need to do. He knows he has been edgy lately because he’s been stressed out, but I’ve been stressed out too. The fact that I’ve had to put up with his attitude everyday for the past week has made me stressed out. Not to mention, I’m a stay at home mom with a 4 year old and 1 year old twins. I’m also enrolled to start community college this fall to get my associates degree. I also took an online class this summer, which I just got done with. I get little breaks every now and then but between doing school work, caring for 3 kids under the age of 5, and doing household chores, my days are usually pretty busy and quite hectic. Yet, I haven’t yelled at him or behaved in the way that he’s been behaving, so being stressed out really isn’t an excuse. 

When I talked to him yesterday, he explained that the main issue was our 4 year old son’s sleep schedule. Our son has never been much of a sleeper, he’s always fought sleep until he’s too exhausted to stay awake anymore. He had usually been falling asleep around 11-12 pm and getting up around 10-11 am. He will be starting pre school next month and will have to start getting up at 7 am. So, my husband has been getting on to me about trying to get him in bed earlier and waking him up earlier to get him used to the schedule he will be on when he starts school. 

We had been making some improvements and there were days where he would wake up earlier than others, but it wasn’t consistent. There would always be days when he would get off track. When this would happen, my husband would bring the sleep schedule issue up again. The thing that makes it difficult is my husband doesn’t get home from work until usually at least 10 pm and sometimes later. Our routine when he gets home has always involved him getting our 4 year old ready for bed while I get the twins ready for bed. We do it as a team, which makes it much easier and less time consuming. With pre school coming up, our son ideally needs to be in bed by 8 pm, which is when my husband will still be at work. I’m not saying I can’t get everyone in bed without my husband’s help, but it does make it much easier. 

My husband said he got aggravated about having to bring up the sleep schedule problem over and over and feeling like I wasn’t trying hard enough to change things, and that’s the biggest reason behind why he’s been so snappy lately. I told him that I understand why it’s an issue and that I will start putting more effort into making sure our 4 year old goes to bed/wakes up at a decent time. He also agreed that yelling isn’t a good way of communicating and that he was wrong for doing that.


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