# Unequal marraige - how do I cope?



## confusedinca (Oct 15, 2009)

I have been married for 23 years to a good man. Lately I have wondered whether I can stay married to him, and here's why. Our marraige has always been unequal in terms of free time. I have always worked more hours than he does (he has been in sales and now has a home business), and for the past three years have been studying nights and weekends towards getting a CPA credential. He has always had a great deal more free time than I have had and fills it with golf, tennis, Playstation in the old days, TV, surfing, and time with our kids. He does some things around the house, but it is during the day when I am at work, and he feels he deserves to rest in the evening, even though I study in the evening and weekends, as well as doing housework and the accounting work for his business. He is, by the way, a loving, gentle, and humorous husband and father. 

Most days, however, I feel resentment because of our unequal life styles. Part of the resentment is because I get the vibe, and in an inebriated moment he has confessed, that he feels he deserves his situation and I deserve mine. Part of the resentment is because he is a good but somewhat immature man. Even though I married him when he was almost 30, he had so many immature traits. He has worked on them due to my insistence, but still retains a somewhat lazy/slacker attitude that makes it so hard to get change on an issue.

I don't know if I can continue to "be happy for him", or to accept that him as he is, or to just accept that things are not always equal. We tried counseling once, but he placed important topics off limits and flat out lied to the counselor, in my opinion, because he didn't want to look bad.

I know I am fortunate to have a good man in my life. Does anyone have advise for me? Am I the problem? Thanks.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

i would not say you are to blame. but, i would like to suggest that you take a little while and browse the threads on this forum. there are a lot of people here who have shared and sought advise on a lot of different isssues. i am NOT demeaning your feelings and probelms at all, i just don't have an answer for you. i am sorry. 

in my opinion, if my problems at home where any where near as small as what you made yours sound like i would be delighted! that's not to say you are not having problems and that you shouldn't try to improve things. 

perhaps some one else's experiences will be able to point you in the right direction?

in the mean time, just try not to make any rash decisions, you have a lot invested in 23 years, make sure the next move you make is the right one. good luck.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

One simple question. Does he earn a nice living/make a major contribution to the house in terms of income?

If he does, then he is productive. Even if he works fewer hours he is clearly working them. 

If however, he is not really pulling his weight in terms of outcome, that would be very frustrating. 







confusedinca said:


> I have been married for 23 years to a good man. Lately I have wondered whether I can stay married to him, and here's why. Our marraige has always been unequal in terms of free time. I have always worked more hours than he does (he has been in sales and now has a home business), and for the past three years have been studying nights and weekends towards getting a CPA credential. He has always had a great deal more free time than I have had and fills it with golf, tennis, Playstation in the old days, TV, surfing, and time with our kids. He does some things around the house, but it is during the day when I am at work, and he feels he deserves to rest in the evening, even though I study in the evening and weekends, as well as doing housework and the accounting work for his business. He is, by the way, a loving, gentle, and humorous husband and father.
> 
> Most days, however, I feel resentment because of our unequal life styles. Part of the resentment is because I get the vibe, and in an inebriated moment he has confessed, that he feels he deserves his situation and I deserve mine. Part of the resentment is because he is a good but somewhat immature man. Even though I married him when he was almost 30, he had so many immature traits. He has worked on them due to my insistence, but still retains a somewhat lazy/slacker attitude that makes it so hard to get change on an issue.
> 
> ...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Why are you upset that you've chosen the life you lead? You overschedule yourself. That's totally your decision. His decision is to have free time. Yours is to do other things. 

He isn't you and you aren't him.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

dobo said:


> Why are you upset that you've chosen the life you lead? You overschedule yourself. That's totally your decision. His decision is to have free time. Yours is to do other things.
> 
> He isn't you and you aren't him.



i was searching for a simple way to say what dobo said.

some people are over-schedulers (my wife), or they worry about getting everything done to the point that they just bog down (my wife). i on the other hand, do my stuff, finish tasks and start planning the next one....but my carrot is relaxation time. i must have it. i'm not being lazy, i'm shutting down to recharge. alot of people cannot do that anymore cause the society we live in puts too much emphasis on beating the next person, doing more with less and being so valuable you cant be replaced.

you are doing the CPA thing for who? him or you?

take a breath, schedule some down time for yourself. dont be so pressured. life is short


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## confusedinca (Oct 15, 2009)

Thank you for your thoughts, dodo, okeydokey, mem and hope.

He does contribute financially...he could do more but won't because he would have to work more. I am doing the CPA thing because his business was not doing what it needed to and what he said it would do when we bought our home. So it came down to me making more money - I quit my teaching job and went full out working full time and studying so we wouldn't loose our house.

I hope I am not an overscheduler. When I had a life I loved to kayak, play tennis, jog, read, learn the guitar, etc. 

I maybe didn't portray how hard it is for me to come home day after day, having worked real hard and knowing that I have to study...and having him tanned, refreshed, working on a ****tail and looking forward to the night's netflix. 

Again, thanks for your comments. It sounds like the consensus is I get no sympathy on this one. I'll have to chew on that for a while...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Do you need every dollar that you bring in?

Frankly, I don't blame him for valueing free time over work.


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## confusedinca (Oct 15, 2009)

Dodo, yes we need every dollar unless we want to go bankrupt and lose our home, etc. I made the career change for us and our finances and he remembers the day WE made that decision. So he admits I needed to change jobs because of our finances, but when it comes to the free time debate, he reverts to saying it is my own choice, etc.

I value free time! I miss it desperately. That is why the disparity in our lives is so difficult for me. If he worked harder, I wouldn't have to work so hard.

Again, thanks for your input.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

wait, if you are making enough with your job to pay the bills and pay for school, then i would argue that you don't need the extra money, and that the school is for you not the pay? BUT, that said, i am not you, and i do not know what your exact circumstances are. 

my question realy is, if you quit the school, would it help you to have extra money and also have the free time you need, or, would it cause you to loose the things you are trying to keep, such as house and posesions? and one more thing, would it also be possible to cut back so that you were not paying out so much money each month, there by removing the need to work so many extra hours and thus giving you the free time you need?

sorry, i reread that and i hate to sound so rude or sound as if i am pointing the finger at the one seeking help, and it did sound that way to me, for that i am sorry. but, i really think that if you two looked hard at your finances you could possible find a way to cut back and that would remove at least a small measure of weight from your shoulders... and isn't that what it's really about, making you more comfortable and happy?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Or sell the house.

Everyone has to make choices.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

If I am your husband this is what I would likely say - tell me if I am getting the pitch wrong.

- I have always been like this - why did you think you could change me. 
- I did have some reservations about buying such an expensive house, I never said I would work like a crazy person if needed to keep the house. When things got difficult I would have been ok selling it. 
- It is true you are now spending more time on money making activities than I am, but you have always jammed your schedule tight from the very beginning. And just like you wish I would speed up - I wish you would slow down. 
- You don't get the nice, kind easygoing guy in the house, and the tiger in business. People just aren't that compartmentalized. 







confusedinca said:


> I have been married for 23 years to a good man. Lately I have wondered whether I can stay married to him, and here's why. Our marraige has always been unequal in terms of free time. I have always worked more hours than he does (he has been in sales and now has a home business), and for the past three years have been studying nights and weekends towards getting a CPA credential. He has always had a great deal more free time than I have had and fills it with golf, tennis, Playstation in the old days, TV, surfing, and time with our kids. He does some things around the house, but it is during the day when I am at work, and he feels he deserves to rest in the evening, even though I study in the evening and weekends, as well as doing housework and the accounting work for his business. He is, by the way, a loving, gentle, and humorous husband and father.
> 
> Most days, however, I feel resentment because of our unequal life styles. Part of the resentment is because I get the vibe, and in an inebriated moment he has confessed, that he feels he deserves his situation and I deserve mine. Part of the resentment is because he is a good but somewhat immature man. Even though I married him when he was almost 30, he had so many immature traits. He has worked on them due to my insistence, but still retains a somewhat lazy/slacker attitude that makes it so hard to get change on an issue.
> 
> ...


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## confusedinca (Oct 15, 2009)

Wow, mem, where to start. He wanted the house much more than I and I let myself be persuaded. He said he would do whatever it takes and he hasn't. He uses his business account as a discretionary piggy bank, spending freely on himself even though we owe back taxes to the IRS because his business cannot pay the taxes it generated. I am very conservative with money and am never late on payments. He is frequently late on payments. He gives money to friends and family without asking me. Just a few details to show he's not the golden child you are all assuming he is. He blew his IRA on bad investments, while mine is still golden (there was a time when we had a little extra to save). 

I tried not to make this post about the money because I was trying to get some relief for a severe case of "opposites attracted". The money, while causing me serious anxiety, is secondary to the resentment arising from unequal time and effort. I guess I didn't explain it well. 

Anyways, thanks everyone. I am certain you have been of terrific 
help to many people and I know you have given me many things to think about. Regards, confusedinca.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dear Confused,
I know where to start. Sorry for being so totally wrong about this stuff. Ouch, ouch and triple ouch.

I am careful with money - always have spent less than I made. If I were in your shoes I would be very angry. 

He has champagne taste with a slacker work ethic which is an ugly contradiction. Now with a clear picture my sympathies are completely different. 

What does he say when you address this with him.














confusedinca said:


> Wow, mem, where to start. He wanted the house much more than I and I let myself be persuaded. He said he would do whatever it takes and he hasn't. He uses his business account as a discretionary piggy bank, spending freely on himself even though we owe back taxes to the IRS because his business cannot pay the taxes it generated. I am very conservative with money and am never late on payments. He is frequently late on payments. He gives money to friends and family without asking me. Just a few details to show he's not the golden child you are all assuming he is. He blew his IRA on bad investments, while mine is still golden (there was a time when we had a little extra to save).
> 
> I tried not to make this post about the money because I was trying to get some relief for a severe case of "opposites attracted". The money, while causing me serious anxiety, is secondary to the resentment arising from unequal time and effort. I guess I didn't explain it well.
> 
> ...


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Dear confusedinca, I feel your pain and I completely recognize your given scenario, only in my situation the roles are reversed. I really don't think you can change your spouse and Lord knows I have tried every way imaginable. Simply chatting works, but only to the point of letting them know your concerned. Repetition of the previous only leads to closing communication down, as now they generally no longer feel they need to listen as you are only repeating yourself. Shutting off the valve of physical affection only hastens the decay in your marriage, and reduces any influence that you may have over your spouse. Retaliation, e.g. killing one of their pet projects only further fans the fires of discontent, because now you're spiteful. God, I wish I had an answer for you, but I'm afraid there isn't one. It sucks doesn't it. Responsibility party of one, been there done that, except mine is in a clinic and not a cubicle. The only advice I can give you that may help, is reward yourself for your hard work. You say you play the guitar, take pricey lessons from someone really good, or fly to friggin Nashville by yourself if country is your thing. Give yourself a cookie confusedinca, it won't fix your larger problem, but it will make you feel better. LIL


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## confusedinca (Oct 15, 2009)

Thanks, LIL. And Mem, thank you, too, for the triple-ouch acknowledgement  It really does seem, after all these years of dealing with our opposite natures, that I am coming to some kind of watershed decision. And the decision appears to be either I live with it or I walk away. How very sad that makes me. Thank goodness our kids are grown up enough to understand. I sure wish there were more on the table from his side.

I am going to close the post. But I am going to seek some therapy next February when I can afford it. Best of wishes to you all, CICA


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

There's nothing wrong with this being about money, because money is important! Good luck to you.


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## kris_fla (Oct 18, 2009)

I read through almost all of these responses, but I will tell you based on what I did read...I would have to strap on my big girl nads, sell off, close accts., put "our" lifestyle on weight watchers and lie about how much we had and budget below what you all can truly afford. Can't afford golf, can't afford games for PS3, etc. etc. Family time would consist of parks, biking, picnics and $1.07 Redbox movie night with ACME popcorn!! He'll get the point and if he can't live that way, then he needs to get more motivated, live with it or squat somewhere else.


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## kris_fla (Oct 18, 2009)

PS, with your new budget, stop working yourself to death and taking on the financial burden...even if it's window shopping, go out by yourself and stalk Target employees (kidding), get a life and stop taking your finances so personal. I bet if you look, you can find lots of ways to slim your outgoing and enjoy this fall weather.


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