# Partner has lost interest in family



## Miss Cloudy (Jul 19, 2020)

I'm confused. I've been with my partner for the past 12 yrs. We had an amazing 5 yrs to ourselves prior to deciding that we were ready to start our own family. During those 5 yrs we did several get aways through out the yrs. Once we were ready to start our family. We had four beautiful children, back to back, older is 6 yrs and youngest is 1yr old. During the past 2.5 yrs I've noticed that he started losing interest. Fast forward to today, he constantly drinks through out the week. He avoids being home. He avoids me and the children. Its like if I became a single mother of 4. We have no communication. I never know what mood he's going to be in. Its crazy. Any idea what can be going on?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Miss Cloudy said:


> Any idea what can be going on?


Pretty obvious... he's an alcoholic. That can destroy even the best marriages. He could be using alcohol as a crutch for depression.


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## Miss Cloudy (Jul 19, 2020)

I honestly think he might be going through postpartum depression 😔. I've tried talking to him from different point of views but nothing seems to work. I forgot to me tinned that he has gained over 100 lbs within the last yr and a half. His health concerns me. Yet, he does t seem to care about anything. I'm getting tired of this situation. His lack of support, his lack of interest in me as a woman, his lack of interest in our children. I honestly feel like a single mother of 4. When he's under the influence he becomes verbally abusive. I deserve better. My children deserve better. I have considered separating from him. I just don't know how else I can handle this situation. Any advice?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

It sounds like he is depressed and medicating with alcohol instead of seeking real treatment. You can encourage him to get help and support him through it, but unfortunately you cannot force it. 

One option would be to tell him you are concerned for his wellbeing (leave the marriage issues out of it) and that you would like to book a doctor appointment because it would ease your worries. Then book one right then (you need to take charge) and there and accompany him. 

Another option would be to propose marriage counseling. Again, don't blame him. Tell him you want to learn how to best support him and need help. Sometimes doing MC can dip his toes in the water, then the therapist can work on him.

Another option is to be very blunt and tell him that something is wrong and he needs to seek help. Sometimes beating around the bush doesn't work and they need to hear it straight. 

Another option is being prepared to divorce. You need to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. You would tell him that he needs to seek help or you will leave, then follow through. He may or may not change, and if he does, it may not stick. If he's consistent for 6-12 months, then the changes are more likely to stick around.


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## Miss Cloudy (Jul 19, 2020)

bobert said:


> It sounds like he is depressed and medicating with alcohol instead of seeking real treatment. You can encourage him to get help and support him through it, but unfortunately you cannot force it.
> 
> One option would be to tell him you are concerned for his wellbeing (leave the marriage issues out of it) and that you would like to book a doctor appointment because it would ease your worries. Then book one right then (you need to take charge) and there and accompany him.
> 
> ...


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## Miss Cloudy (Jul 19, 2020)

I'm very concerned about his health because regardless of everything I love him and I care very much about him. I have expressed my concerns about his health and his risks of getting a stroke, heart attack, etc. I've tried working out with him and he refuses to work out. I've tried going out on walks with the kids. He stated he's not interested. He reported not having any energy to workout. 

I've tried scheduling a physical exam for him. He refused to show up to his appointment. I've asked him to go to MC with me for support to strengthen our relationship and work on our problems. He refuses to go. I've asked him to go to therapy without me if he thinks that will help him. He refuses. Yet, I continue to go to therapy. 

I've told him straight out all the things that have changed, his behavior, his unacceptable attitude, his relationship with the children and how its affecting their mental health. I've told him that I'm tired or trying to fix this on my own and how I'm running out of patience. I have expressed how I don't feel loved and how if that's the case that's fine, I just need to hear it from him so I can move on. I get it sometimes ppl can stop loving ppl. I don't get anything from him. He doesn't care. It's so annoying. 

Right now, I'm at the point where I'm currently working on mentally preparing myself on how to become ready to leave him for good. I need to be emotionally strong. I have to be financially prepared. I know its not going to be easy for me nor my children. This is the stage I'm currently in. I have a lot of mixed emotions. I need to see how I can prepare my children for this without being so traumatic. I would like to have a stable relationship with him for the children. One thing indo know and I have shared with him is that, once I leave I won't be coming back. There won't be another opportunity because right now is the time for that opportunity to repair anything that's broken. Even after knowing this, he continues to act like he doesn't care. I just don't understand him. This is not the person I met 12 yrs ago. This is not the person I was with 3 years ago. It's so sad 😥 it breaks my heart. 💔. I've never cheated on him or anything like that.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

At this point, there is nothing else you can do but prepare to leave. I know that's a very hard choice to make. Divorce is never easy, regardless of the cause. It will get easier though. 

Try to remember that his actions are not a reflection of you... it's his illness. You have done everything possible to help him and, based on what you said, have been a good partner. Sometimes it's just not enough and I know how helpless that feels. I'm sorry things turned out this way for you.


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## Miss Cloudy (Jul 19, 2020)

bobert said:


> At this point, there is nothing else you can do but prepare to leave. I know that's a very hard choice to make. Divorce is never easy, regardless of the cause. It will get easier though.
> 
> Try to remember that his actions are not a reflection of you... it's his illness. You have done everything possible to help him and, based on what you said, have been a good partner. Sometimes it's just not enough and I know how helpless that feels. I'm sorry things turned out this way for you.


Thank you so much for your support and advice. Yes, unfortunately I feel like there isn't much I can't do at this point. I've been preparing myself to leave for good for the past month or so, and trust me it isn't easy. I always think about my children and the mess that comes with a divorce. It's crazy.

Thank you once again. I do have to remind myself that his actions are not a reflection of me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are right that his actions are not a reflection of you.

Having 4 children in 6 years puts a lot of strain on a relationship. It sounds like the two of you spent a lot of quality time together before you started to have children. And it sounds like since then the quality time as fallen to none. When did this start? Was it at about the time that your first child was born? Does he help at all with the children and household chores?

Do you have family and/or friend around you who can give you emotional support?


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## Miss Cloudy (Jul 19, 2020)

We definitely spent a lot of quality time before we had our children. We would go out dancing all the time. Some thing I love doing but we don't ever get to do, due to lack of a babysitter. We would go out on dates. We would have movie nights at home. We would go to bars. We would gamble. Something we both enjoyed. 

We would do most of those things up until our first two children. We would take them with us to Vegas or Laughlin. After our third baby, we wouldn't travel as much. I started noticing changes on him after we had our third child. They were mild changes. During the pregnancy of my 4th things started changing drastically. Things went from bad to worse.

He used to help with the children and house chores up until our second child. After our third child, he
stopped helping around the house. After having my fourth child, he doesn't help at all with house chores nor the children. I do it all by myself. I cook, clean the house, take care of the kids, help them with homework, go grocery shopping, take them to appointments, run errands, laundry, I take my pilot for maintenance, etc. I do it all. I haven't gone back to work because I'm out on stress leave. But during the pregnancy of my 4th child I was working and I would do it all because slowly but surely he stopped helping. 

I had to pick up the kids from the daycare after work and come home to cook, clean a bit, shower the kids, put them to bed, wash dishes etc because he would go to a bar after work instead of coming back home. He wouldn't get home until 2am sometimes 12am. The next day I would drop off the kids at different daycares and go to work after.

He pretty much lives the life style of a single man. He does whatever he wants whenever he wants. If he's tire he goes to sleep. If he wants to hang out with the guys he goes out to drink. If he wants to play video games he plays video games. He has no interest in interacting with the children. He's selfish. 

I'm exhausted all the time.


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## Miss Cloudy (Jul 19, 2020)

I don't ever get a break and he doesn't bother asking if I need a break. Even when I'm overwhelmed and I tell hi. To give me a break, he doesn't. It's so frustrating to see how much he has changed for worse. I literally feel like a single mother of 4.

He makes my life harder because he makes a mess at home all the time. And he doesn't bother helping me clean after himself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does he have a job? Is he working during the shutdowns?

You say that you are on stress leave? I've never heard of stress leave. Is it sort of like extended sick leave or short term disability? Do you still get a pay check? I'm trying to figure out if he's the sole financial support right now.

Do you have any friends or family near you who can give at least some emotional support at this time? YOu need to start by putting together a support system. With 4 children you need some support.

It seems that at this point you need to focus on yourself and your children. I know that's what you have been doing. But, when I mean is to focus more on what you need. If your husband will not work on your relationship and assume his responsibilities with your chilldren and household, then there is not much you can to fix your marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I don’t think your husband is meant to be the parent of four children. Unfortunately, he didn’t realize beforehand that he prefers the child-free life. If he isn’t interested in changing, you’ll have to decide whether it’s better for you and the children to stay or better to go.


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## Miss Cloudy (Jul 19, 2020)

Yes, he continues to work during the shutdown. He is the sole financial support right now. Yes, I'm on extended medical leave without pay. I do count on my friends, some family, and therapist for support.

I've been analyzing the situation for the past few months. I have concluded that most like he won't change and how its best for us to go. I'm just not financially and mentally ready to do it right now.

My goal is to make this move in the near future. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being selfish walking out on him during a time where I feel he's sick and he needs professional help to deal with his health and his drinking.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. It does seem that he is shutting down and maybe depressed based on the tremendous weight gain. Have you expressed to him you are ready to leave? Have you tried to find time for just you two to spend quality time? I know you say lack of babysitter, but have you kept trying? Quality time is very important. What's the sex life like? While it isn't fair he may just feel like a paycheck.

Did you two mutually agree to 4 children? That is a big stress for two parents and relationships. I am not sure how you handle it all by yourself. 

You may though have to prepare to leave as you said. While it will be difficult, you aren't getting much help now. Financially not sure how it will work for you. When you are working do you make enough to raise your kids. He will be required to send child support and he may find he has a lot less money for drinking and such but then you will be paying mortgage and such.


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## Miss Cloudy (Jul 19, 2020)

He originally wanted 4 children. I only wanted 3. We eneded up having 4 after all.

I haven't put much effort into spending quality time together because he claims that he dosen't have the energy to want to do anything. Which is confusing because if he gets a call from his friends, he'll get up and leave.

Our sex life was better before. 

In terms of the financial situation, I would have to put him on child support because I wouldn't be able to survive on my income alone. Its a tough situation. 

Like I told him it took both of us to have our children. Therefore, it takes both of us to raise them. Unfortunately he doesn't see it this way.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Lots of people want children until they have them and realize everything that’s involved with being a parent. Some get over that and some never do. He still may but you need a plan in case he doesn’t.


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## Miss Cloudy (Jul 19, 2020)

Yes, I don't think he was aware of all the responsibility that comes with children.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Miss Cloudy said:


> Yes, I don't think he was aware of all the responsibility that comes with children.


That would be true with the first one. But by 2 or 3 he should be well aware. I guess my question was after the second did you guys talk again and was he still on board for 3 and 4? or were they unplanned (not at the beginning but at the time it happened)


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I would say very few people realize beforehand everything that’s involved with being a parent. I certainly didn’t (and once my child was born I quickly changed the number of children I had been planning on having). However, most people do step up to the responsibility. Some can’t or won’t. I don’t think the odds are good that he will so you need to have a plan for the future.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Miss Cloudy said:


> In terms of the financial situation, I would have to put him on child support because I wouldn't be able to survive on my income alone. Its a tough situation.
> 
> Like I told him it took both of us to have our children. Therefore, it takes both of us to raise them. Unfortunately he doesn't see it this way.


Of course he would need to pay child support he helped make them. That is the absolute least he could do. He needs to also help raise them. When you file for divorce you need to ask him if he wants joint custody or not. IF he says joint to make his bills lower then make sure he takes them when he is supposed to and give yourself a break. IF he doesn't take him back to court for modified support / custody arrangements.

He isn't going to change most likely. Have you asked him to not go out with his friends and watch the children?


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## Miss Cloudy (Jul 19, 2020)

Yes, after baby number 2, we talked and we were both on board to have baby number 3. After baby number 3 we talked and we decided to go for baby number 4. When we gave our family the news that we were expecting baby number 4, he told ppl how he always wanted to have 4 children.

I have asked him not to go out as often, to cutnit down to every once in a while but he refuses. Also, he's not willing to take care of the kids. Maybe here and there but he doesn't watch them, he let's them do what ever they want. This is why I watch them all the time or I'll take them with me where ever I go.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Yep you need a diet plan to help you lose 200+ pounds. See an attorney, make a plan, get out. Or at least when you file he will know you are serious have he will have a choice to make if at that point you are even willing to consider giving him a chance. I"m afraid I'd rather be alone than living with a lump of crap. And sooner or later most likely later you will find someone who will be a better partner.


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## Miss Cloudy (Jul 19, 2020)

I agree.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Miss Cloudy said:


> Yet, he does t seem to care about anything.


Just from this it sounds like a true clinical depression. He needs to see medical professionals for this. This is NOT just being tired of kids, or you, or anything else. This sign is one of the key ones for depression. Unfortunately, if he's not willing to go to the Dr., I'm not sure what you can really do for him. If you need to, consult with a few lawyers -- just to see what financial, custody, child support, etc. would look like for you and the kids. This DOES NOT mean you have to divorce him, but it should give you a lot of information for what it would look like if you have to leave.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Miss Cloudy said:


> Yet, he does t seem to care about anything.


You've said that he goes out with his friends when the call. Does he seem to care about them and doing things with them? Does he care about his job?

Does he just not seem to care about you and your children, but have interest in other things?


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## Miss Cloudy (Jul 19, 2020)

I'm afraid he is severely depressed.😔 he has interest in going out with the same group of friends who drink with him. They hang out and drink. He doesn't keep in touch with the rest of his friends who don't drink regularly. He is extremely responsible when it comes to his job. He won't miss work.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Openminded said:


> I would say very few people realize beforehand everything that’s involved with being a parent. I certainly didn’t (and once my child was born I quickly changed the number of children I had been planning on having).


Yes, but they should know what it involves after first kid, and make more conscious decisions about it. If I had four children year after year, I would be deeply depressed. Having small children at home weren't my happiest years.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

They don't even get fun until about 4. 5 to 9 is sublime.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> Yes, but they should know what it involves after first kid, and make more conscious decisions about it. If I had four children year after year, I would be deeply depressed. Having small children at home weren't my happiest years.


Absolutely. I chose to have one child for that reason. I quickly realized I wasn’t capable of dealing with more than one. I have never regretted that decision. There are few things worse to me than disengaged parents. I gave 100% to my child and we are still very close. That wouldn’t have been the case if I had had more.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Did something happen in his life a year and a half ago?


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## Miss Cloudy (Jul 19, 2020)

He started working for the city about 2ys ago, if not a little longer. That's when I saw a drastic change in his behavior. He began going out to bars with coworkers after work... Everyday.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Miss Cloudy you need to prepare for a time when he will not be around because your concerns for his health are valid.

Is there anyone who he trusts who you could get to stage an intervention with your husband?

Is it possible he is having an affair?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Miss Cloudy said:


> In terms of the financial situation, I would have to put him on child support because I wouldn't be able to survive on my income alone. Its a tough situation.


Confusing because you said you don't have any income.

But, I would admonish against you leaving the house with your kids. This could be considered abandonment by the courts and less leverage in getting the family home in the divorce settlement.

Stay in your home and go see an attorney right away. The attorney can petition the court for emergency maintenance, which means he will have to pay you child support and make sure to financially maintain the household per court order. Even though he is still living there in the house with you and the kids, the lawyer can still get you an emergency maintenance judgment. He can also petition the court for your husband to pay your attorney fees since you are a SAHM with no income.

Your husband has essentially abandoned his wife and children. You don't have to wait around for him to leave you high and dry, which is really going to be his next step, so no sense in you waiting around and allowing that to happen. It's time to get off the fence, get out of your feelings, and accept this situation for what it is. Be proactive on behalf of yourself and your children.

He will likely be mad as hell that you did this and become very angry. If he gets aggressive, that's the perfect time to get him out of the house. Call the police about anything he does - yells at you and/or the kids, calls you names, punches the walls, threatens you - anything. That way, you document that your home has become volatile and unsafe for you and your children. The attorney can then petition the court to make him find other residence. Or, the attorney will advise you to get an order of protection, which will also make him leave.

So, I said all of that to let you know you don't have to be scared and confused about what to do. You can have a course of action without worrying about 5 mouths to feed. But there's always the possibility your action will wake him up and make him realize he has a lot to lose. It's up to you if you want to give him another chance although I would advise against it because it could be, and likely will be, just a ploy to get you to stop the legal actions, only to completely abandon you afterward. Your husband is clearly way beyond caring. He won't have any empathy or sympathy, but he will make you think he does. He will cry and beg and plead and make all kinds of promises. It will be extremely hard for you to resist, but you have to resist because he will not be sincere.

But if you simply cannot resist, then at least be smart about it and don't stop the legal actions. Continue to make him abide by the court orders. No matter how much he cries and begs and makes promises, he has shown you that he can't be trusted. He's shown you how he truly feels about you and his children. So, if you must give in to him, then give him another chance to become a proper husband and father, but don't let him out of the court orders. Continue to be smart and look out for yourself. Don't let yourself and your children down by giving him another chance to let you all down.

I'm concerned with how many times you have mentioned his friends calling and he goes running. How do you know who is on the phone? And how do you know he goes running to hang out with his buddies? Do you know for sure it's not a woman calling? Oftentimes, friends calling is a ruse call for the girlfriend to get him out of the house so he can go spend time with her. So, how do you know who calls, and how do you know where he goes after those calls?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You have done everything you can do. If he isn’t willing to help fix himself, you can do nothing.

Shock treatment is to separate.

Sorry for the position you are in. I have seen this situation before. Have never seen it work out.


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## Miss Cloudy (Jul 19, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> @Miss Cloudy you need to prepare for a time when he will not be around because your concerns for his health are valid.
> 
> Is there anyone who he trusts who you could get to stage an intervention with your husband?
> 
> Is it possible he is having an affair?


 I honestly do think he is having an affair. In terms of him having someone he trust, I don't think so.


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## Miss Cloudy (Jul 19, 2020)

StarFires said:


> Confusing because you said you don't have any income.
> 
> But, I would admonish against you leaving the house with your kids. This could be considered abandonment by the courts and less leverage in getting the family home in the divorce settlement.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the advice. I appreciate all your help and support. . . Honestly, I don't know who's on the other line. Also, I'm not sure where he goes when he leaves. I just use the term friends because this is what he tells me. However, a few times I have caught him drinking at the bar down the street from the house. I don't know who he's with because I wouldn't go inside the bar due to me having my children. Note, the bar is in a shopping center. . . 

It has crossed my mind multiple times the possibility of him having someone else on the side.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Miss Cloudy said:


> Thank you for the advice. I appreciate all your help and support. . . Honestly, I don't know who's on the other line. Also, I'm not sure where he goes when he leaves. I just use the term friends because this is what he tells me. However, a few times I have caught him drinking at the bar down the street from the house. I don't know who he's with because I wouldn't go inside the bar due to me having my children. Note, the bar is in a shopping center. . .
> 
> It has crossed my mind multiple times the possibility of him having someone else on the side.


Could you afford a PI who can follow him and get photos of where he goes and who he is with?


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## Miss Cloudy (Jul 19, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Could you afford a PI who can follow him and get photos of where he goes and who he is with?


No, and honestly I don't think its worth it. His actions have left an imprint that can't be erased.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Miss Cloudy said:


> No, and honestly I don't think its worth it. His actions have left an imprint that can't be erased.


Are you saying that you plan to divorce him so there is no reason to find out if he's cheating? 

Have you talked to an attorney?


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## Miss Cloudy (Jul 19, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Are you saying that you plan to divorce him so there is no reason to find out if he's cheating?
> 
> Have you talked to an attorney?


No, we are not married. I have started the child support process. I just feel like I don't need actual pictures because whether he is cheating or not, he's behavior is unacceptable and I have decided that at this point its best for us to separate.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

We are here for you, no matter what decision you make.


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## Miss Cloudy (Jul 19, 2020)

Thank you! 😌


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Miss Cloudy said:


> Thank you for the advice. I appreciate all your help and support. . . Honestly, I don't know who's on the other line. Also, I'm not sure where he goes when he leaves. I just use the term friends because this is what he tells me. However, a few times I have caught him drinking at the bar down the street from the house. I don't know who he's with because I wouldn't go inside the bar due to me having my children. Note, the bar is in a shopping center. . .
> 
> It has crossed my mind multiple times the possibility of him having someone else on the side.


Not many women would be interested in a grossly overweight heavy drinker to to honest. He is hardly the catch of the day. so I doubt he is cheating.
My advise would be to say I will give you one month to go and see the doctors about your weight and mental state, strictly curtail the going out drinking, help more with the children and home, or you will leave. And mean it.
Having a forth child after he already showed signs of struggling was very unwise.


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## Miss Cloudy (Jul 19, 2020)

I got pregnant with my 4th child while being on birth control. I don't belive in abortion.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Miss Cloudy said:


> I got pregnant with my 4th child while being on birth control. I don't belive in abortion.


You don't need to explain this to anyone. You have a child whom you love and care for. That's what matters.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Miss Cloudy said:


> I got pregnant with my 4th child while being on birth control. I don't belive in abortion.


Nor do I, but you did say you both planned to have 4 anyway.


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## Miss Cloudy (Jul 19, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> You don't need to explain this to anyone. You have a child whom you love and care for. That's what matters.


Thank you! 🥰


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## Miss Cloudy (Jul 19, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Nor do I, but you did say you both planned to have 4 anyway.


This is what he would say since day 1 that he always wanted 4. Yes, at some point things went down hill and I went on birth control. At this point that doesn't matter because regardless of how things turned out, I have my blessing.


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