# Husband on Dating Sites



## mrsjayc (Aug 29, 2012)

I am new to this site so bear with me, my problem is I am 65 and my husband is 68 and I have discovered that he has joined several online dating sites. When I tried to speak to him about this he denied it (he uses false names and photos). He seems to be totally obsessed with speaking to women online as he sometimes stays up all night. Now our sex life used to be okay nothing fantastic as he just wasn't the best lover. He seemed to become impotent about 15 years ago well at least with me so our sex life is non existent (not my choice). I really miss the closeness and get extremely hurt when I read what he writes to all these other women. Mind you I have to laugh as what he says he will do with them would be impossible for him to carry out he obviously has a very active imagination.

He is also suffering from lung cancer and I have tried to point out to him that it is me who will have to look after him if and when he becomes seriously ill, I don't think his internet buddies will be much use then.

In the 33 years together I have always known that he lacked any morals whatsoever as he has always liked cruising round red light districts and watching porn. The internet has opened up a whole new sordid world for him. 

I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this but when I have tried to leave him in the past he has threatened me with all kinds of violence. I no longer love him and I certainly don't like him. I hope someone who has been through a similar experience can give me some advice.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

mrsjayc said:


> I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this but when I have tried to leave him in the past he has threatened me with all kinds of violence. I no longer love him and I certainly don't like him. I hope someone who has been through a similar experience can give me some advice.


Then you need to be sneaky and formulate a plan. 

My Ex was also on dating sites, followed it up with phone calls then meeting them, etc. In short, he cheated with multiple women. He also had anger management issues and, just like you, I was afraid (at first) to act upon what I knew. He never threatened violence, but his yelling, and physical damage to property (walls, etc) caused ne to be concerned about my safety.

First thing is financial. You need to be able to financially support yourself. A separate bank account. Set it up and start putting money away so you can leave. Take note of what you have jointly - half of that is yours. Be prepared to take it but DO NOT let him know your intention. Maintain the element of surprise. Lie. Make up a story, but do not reveal what you are planning.

Next up, find a place to live that you can afford. Once a place has been set up, notify trusted friends and family members to help you move out. THEN (and only THEN) you tell your H that this move is temporary and only so that you can have time alone to reflect on the marriage (a lie). Say you will date him (a lie). Anything at all to keep his temper in check. If all else fails, you can notify your local police of your intentions and they will protect you.

And of course, consult with a lawyer. You are entitled to half of the marital property, even if you leave the marital home. It's called "constructive abandonment" which means you left for good reason.

Hope that helps.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

mrsjayc said:


> I am new to this site so bear with me, my problem is I am 65 and my husband is 68 and I have discovered that he has joined several online dating sites. When I tried to speak to him about this he denied it (he uses false names and photos). He seems to be totally obsessed with speaking to women online as he sometimes stays up all night. Now our sex life used to be okay nothing fantastic as he just wasn't the best lover. He seemed to become impotent about 15 years ago well at least with me so our sex life is non existent (not my choice). I really miss the closeness and get extremely hurt when I read what he writes to all these other women. Mind you I have to laugh as what he says he will do with them would be impossible for him to carry out he obviously has a very active imagination.
> 
> He is also suffering from lung cancer and I have tried to point out to him that it is me who will have to look after him if and when he becomes seriously ill, I don't think his internet buddies will be much use then.
> 
> ...


Yikes! Your husband sounds like a very sick man - physically & mentally.

Do you have adult children and/or siblings that can help you plan an exit plan?


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

MrMillion said:


> i am a husband that does online dating as well. So, i can understand that he is a *********. You should leave him as soon as possible.


So Mr. Million are you here to try to pick up chicks or to be a Troll?


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## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

Picking up chicks on this site is like fishing in the desert.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Could his medications be affecting his behavior? This is not unheard of.


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## r0r0bin (Jul 13, 2013)

Unique Username said:


> So Mr. Million are you here to try to pick up chicks or to be a Troll?


Pickie .... lol


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## r0r0bin (Jul 13, 2013)

Do you feel it is worthy to spend years with this man, the right move is to leave him i think.


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

Seriously, grab your husband, take him to his doctors and explain what is going on. Certain medications have been known to cause compulsive behavior. For example, Mirapex has been known to cause compulsive eating, sex, and gambling. Other drugs have been known to cause cognitive problems in a small percentage of patients, e.g., Lyrica. For me this is a been there, seen that issue.

So grab him and take him to your doctors. Also get him to a psychiatrist. His lung cancer diagnosis, could be causing all sorts of mental issues.

WWHT


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

OR, he could just be a rat.

You said this behavior has been going on for years
"In the 33 years together I have always known that he lacked any morals whatsoever as he has always liked cruising round red light districts and watching porn. The internet has opened up a whole new sordid world for him. "

This is simply a new playground for him. He isn't changing, why should he? (in his eyes)


Remember that whether you divorce or not, when he dies you have the option of choosing HIS Social Security retirement or your own..whichever is more. The older you are before taking it the more you get of course. Your local SSA would be able to answer those questions...and you should be getting a letter every year from SSA indicating if you retire at different ages, and or become disabled etc what those monthly payments are projected to be.
One has to to have been married 10 or more years for this to be true. Dependent upon income, you may be entitled to SSI which is supplemental social security given to qualifying low income elders in addition to their Social Security.

Your local Area Agency on Aging is a division of the US Dept of Health and Human Services specifically designed to help US Citizens over 60. An agent from this office can explain all the options available to you and the husband. Homemaker services, Caregiver Support services, Meals on Wheels, Congregate Meals (like senior meals at the senior center) transportation services, Case Management Services (where they help set up in-home care, help you get food stamps, and other things) etc.
As his illness progresses these resources might become helpful to either or both of you. 

The Eldercare locator number is 1-800-677-1116, hours of ops are: 9am-8pm Eastern call this number and they will give you the contact information for the AAA for your region.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

AOA 2013 ELDERCARE LOCATOR NUMBER​
The Eldercare Locator is a national toll-free directory assistance public service of the U.S. Administration on Aging that helps people locate aging services in every community throughout the United States. 
TOLL FREE NUMBER: 1-800-677-1116 
Normal Operations: Monday through Friday 9:00AM to 8:00PM (EST). 
For calls after normal hours of operation, you can leave a name and a telephone number and calls will be returned the next business day. 

For TDD/TTY Service: 
Access your local relay service or dial “711” for your relay operator. Instruct the Relay Operator to connect you to the Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116. 

On the web, the address is: 
Eldercare Locator 

Information in Spanish and other Languages: A Spanish-speaking information specialist is available when you call the Eldercare Locator from 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, Monday – Friday. Language interpretation service for 150 languages is also available during these business hours. 

Online Chat: Have an online text chat with an information specialist from the Eldercare Locator from 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, Monday – Friday. . 

E-mail: E-mail the Eldercare Locator at [email protected]


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

mrsjayc said:


> In the 33 years together I have always known that he lacked any morals whatsoever as he has always liked cruising round red light districts and watching porn. The internet has opened up a whole new sordid world for him.


Explain why you married him if this is the case.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> Explain why you married him if this is the case.



Really? lol um they are in their 60s darlin, she probably didn't know he was like that until after married.....and people of this generation didn't feel (and often didn't) they had many options when it came to divorce. 33 years ago would have been 1979.
The world was a very different place then. Also, there are many more options available to urban dwellers as opposed to remote rural areas (no public transportation, no social services - often just a church, a grocery store, a jail and a post office(usually IN the one grocery market) Once you were married back then, it wasn't commonplace to divorce AND even moreso in a rural community as opposed to the urban.
Now granted these instances may not be accurate for MrsJay, it was the common feeling in the late 70s that divorce was taboo and LOTS of social stigma surrounded divorce. 

I think she was referring to after they married these things reared their ugly heads. 

Perhaps now she feels like the world is a different place, and her parents are probably gone so their disdain/scorn/ judgement\disappointment is no longer an issue.....and she doesn't have to live with a "dirty old man" anymore ??

Could be just venting, and she has no real desire to leave him.

I hope the resources I left for her are helpful regardless of what happens.

They have caregiver support services that can give you respite - a break so you can continue being a caregiver, they also have accessibility things that can be done in the home/bathroom should the need arise. If private insurance or medicare doesn't pay for it then they have grants and funding to help with accessibility. If he is a veteran there are also programs implemented to do the same thing..contact the Veterans Administration.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

mrsjayc said:


> *In the 33 years together I have always known that he lacked any morals whatsoever *as he has always liked cruising round red light districts and watching porn. The internet has opened up a whole new sordid world for him.





Unique Username said:


> Really? lol um they are in their 60s darlin, she probably didn't know he was like that until after married.....and people of this generation didn't feel (and often didn't) they had many options when it came to divorce. 33 years ago would have been 1979.


Re-read her statement. She says 33 years together, not 33 years married. Unless this was an arranged marraige where she didn't meet him until the ceremony, I'm taking her statement at face value. She hasn't said he was once a wonderful man and changed over time. In fact, she clearly states the oppostite. She may offer clarification if she likes.

I maintain my puzzlement that she married a man who she states she "have always known that he lacked any morals whatsoever..."


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

Unique Username said:


> Really? lol um they are in their 60s darlin, she probably didn't know he was like that until after married.....and people of this generation didn't feel (and often didn't) they had many options when it came to divorce. 33 years ago would have been 1979.


I know those of us who got married in 1979 are primitives. Heck there weren't even portable computers then (ops, I forgot the Kaypro at 33 pounds). 

But seriously over half of our contemporaries(spouse is 68 and I am 60) who married back then have gotten divorced. So don't blame the time or the age as to why she stuck with him since then.

I would still eliminate the medical issues first.

WWHT


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## mrsjayc (Aug 29, 2012)

Thank you for the many replies. I am not blaming his meds for his behaviour as he was like this before his diagnosis. I have been married 33 years just to clear up any understanding. I didn't find out about my husband's obsession with the seedier side of life until we had been married for 10 years by that time there were children to consider. Also financial implications, Mortgage etc and I could hardly admit to my parents what was going on. They are now both dead the Children have grown and now I am left with this man.

I have decided to divorce him and claim my half of everything, it won't be easy as he will be nasty however I am fed up of being a doormat. He is due to inherit a large sum from his sister's estate so I am going to have half of that too. 

I came on here to vent but also to see if I could get some advice but I feel that some of the replies were making light of my situation, that I did not need.


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

mrsjayc said:


> I have decided to divorce him and claim my half of everything, it won't be easy as he will be nasty however I am fed up of being a doormat. *He is due to inherit a large sum from his sister's estate so I am going to have half of that too.* :rofl:


No you're not. Property acquired by inheritance is separate property and will remains his sole and exclusive property unless he commingles it with marital property (e.g., puts it in a joint investment account). So if he titles it separately, e.g., husband's investment account you will not get a cent of it.

Go talk to any lawyer about this and he/she will tell you the same.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

mrsjayc said:


> In the 33 years together I have always known that he lacked any morals whatsoever as he has always liked cruising round red light districts and watching porn. The internet has opened up a whole new sordid world for him.
> 
> I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this but when I have tried to leave him in the past he has threatened me with all kinds of violence. I no longer love him and I certainly don't like him. I hope someone who has been through a similar experience can give me some advice.


Honey i'm so sorry you are going through this. Its really unfortunate you ended up with this POS of a man. I can tell you that an Ameoba would have made a better husband. Please contact family or friends for help and your local womans shelter. Please make sure to get a restraining order.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

mrsjayc said:


> I have decided to divorce him and claim my half of everything, it won't be easy as he will be nasty however I am fed up of being a doormat. He is due to inherit a large sum from his sister's estate so I am going to have half of that too.


I was actually very sympathetic to your situation until I read the above. 

If you were soon due to inherit a large sum from your sister's estate, somehow I doubt you would wait to get divorced so your husband could share half of it.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

mrsjayc said:


> I have decided to divorce him and claim my half of everything, it won't be easy as he will be nasty however I am fed up of being a doormat. He is due to inherit a large sum from his sister's estate so I am going to have half of that too.



Wow I take back my sympathies if you are waiting for a payday to divorce him. You might want to check with an attorney because inheritance is not community property unless he puts it in a joint account. Hopefully he knows this so you don't pull this crap which regardless of his immorality you waiting for money for divorce can be considered "bad faith" and used against you.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Agreed with the previous posters, I was just about to tell you to just divorce your cheating, dishonest husband, when, it turns out you're quite dishonest yourself.
I understand, cheating is one issue, bad marriage, and everything.The right thing to do is divorce and get half of what you're entitled to, what you both accumulated together. Why do you feel that you are entitled to half of his inheritance from his sister? That is dishonesty already. The very reason why many young men in the US don't want to marry anymore, and I can't blame them.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

mrsjayc said:


> Thank you for the many replies. I am not blaming his meds for his behaviour as he was like this before his diagnosis. I have been married 33 years just to clear up any understanding. I didn't find out about my husband's obsession with the seedier side of life until we had been married for 10 years by that time there were children to consider. Also financial implications, Mortgage etc and I could hardly admit to my parents what was going on. They are now both dead the Children have grown and now I am left with this man.
> 
> I have decided to divorce him and claim my half of everything, it won't be easy as he will be nasty however I am fed up of being a doormat. *He is due to inherit a large sum from his sister's estate so I am going to have half of that too.*
> 
> I came on here to vent but also to see if I could get some advice but I feel that some of the replies were making light of my situation, that I did not need.


I won't caste stones. 

I re-read your initial post again before responding to this one. It appears that not only has he been unfaithful, he has also been abusive to you without any regard or respect for you. So yes. I can see why, after 33 years, you not only want your equitable share of the marital property, but something extra to hold you over. And I'm sure that you are aware that you aren't "entitled" to his sister's estate, but if he co-mingles the funds into your marital funds, then he himself has, in effect, consented to his money being used jointly and that, my friend, is his problem. 

Word of advise: If you fully intend to leave, and you fully intend to include those funds in your valuation of the marital property, then do absolutely nothing until those funds are merged into the marital assets. In other words, there should be no record or evidence of your inclination to divorce until those funds are part of the marital property.

Having said that, please consider the alternative as well. The sooner you get "the show on the road", the sooner you will have peace of mind. Are those funds really worth waiting for? What if he does not intermingle those funds with the marital property, but instead opts to keep it separately for himself? You can do nothing about that event but waste more time in an unhappy marriage. The decision is yours.

Once you have made the decision to divorce, the only thing left to consider is being able to financially exist as a single person. Consult a lawyer. What you tell the lawyer is confidential. What they tell you is worth considering. Some lawyers will tell you all kinds of crazy, but legal, actions to take prior to leaving. One lawyer even told me it's perfectly legal to max out the credit cards, since you will only be liable for half the debt. Buy jewelry (portable wealth)...lol. No, I didn't take that advise as I hate debt, however the thought made me giggle a bit. You see, some people will say that's unfair, while others will point out that it's legal and practical. You get to pick what advise suits your needs.

Good luck and keep posting. Weigh all advise, good and bad. While considering the option of his sister's estate, I will agree with most here that it probably isn't a "nice" thing to do, however, in some divorces, "nice" is not an option. It's up to you how you want to play this out.


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## mrsjayc (Aug 29, 2012)

The reason I would like to claim his inheritance is that I owned this house prior to the marriage but as I am a fair person I put it in joint names so now he owns half this house which I bought and paid for. I had a mortgage which I alone paid he contributed very little. I worked full time right up to retirement age only having very short breaks to have children. I can assure you if the boot was on the other foot he would have no hesitation in claiming everything he could. I am in UK so our laws are different however I have decided to get out ASAP. The way I feel right now I would walk away without a penny but I know i have to be sensible and claim what is rightfully mine. He has the luck of the devil because at his hospital visit last Friday he has been told his cancer is in remission that is despite him still smoking like a chimney and drinking whiskey by the bottle......life is unfair as so many people would not get away with half he does.


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