# My Story. I've Had No Sex With My Wife In 7 Years.



## Pres (Dec 3, 2014)

Hello, this is my first post. My wife and I have been married for 30 years this year. She was 34 and I was 28 when we first got married. When we first met we talked to each other over two hours at a bar (waiting for other friends to show to go to a Sounders game) before I even asked her name. We clicked instantly and spent the week-end together. In six months we were married. She looked like a model, so very beautiful, kind, loving, and smart. She is still beautiful, and I love her soul, at least the part she lets me into. 

We are/were hippies, a product of the times and proud of it. I have had image issues in the past due to being born with a cleft-palette (no nose, no roof in my mouth, oversized lower lip, etc.), though this was all corrected beautifully when I was fifteen years old. I was 6' 2" when I was in fifth grade but I felt sorry for the kids who made fun of me. Another story for another place. 

Background; I figured I've slept with about 10+ women, my wife told me that she has slept with 300+ people before me. That has not bothered me as it was all before me, actually kind of impressed and a bit of a turn on. I truly believe in "Make Love - Not War" Not an issue, just background info. 
In the beginning, the sex was great, communication was flowing non-stop (on the phone with her for five to six hours at a time). An amazing, whirlwind, of a time. Then as the wedding got closer she got sick. It turned out to be morning sickness. She had stopped taking her birth control pills but failed to let me know this fact. Our son, now grown, was born nine months later. He is one of the finest young men I know and I am so happy that he is here. I was hurt at the time about not being let in on the decision. Sex takes a holiday. We have our daughter and another difficult pregnancy. Sex takes a holiday, understandable. After we get the family settled the sex becomes bit more frequent but less emotional on her part, more mechanical. I tried to make suggestions to spice up our love life but was rebuffed on numerous occasions. 

So somehow the thought of a 3-some came up (I really do not remember as it was fifteen years ago). My friend Ron became the third. First time for me. I got too drunk so it became weird, jealousy crept in and spoiled it. This is where, I believe, the inner break happened with my wife. Communication declines, she is doing things without me more often. Then a few months later she suggests another 3-some with Ron. OOOk, I agree, this time no booze for me. It went OK, she said he wasn't very good but I am sure she was just trying to minimize the enjoyment she had and ally my feelings so I wouldn't feel bad. I have never seen her cum so much, one after another, total surrender. She told me she was faking the whole time but I know this is not the truth. Over the years I have wondered if they had met for more or are still meeting. Ron just fell off the map after that, and I've known him since 7th grade. 

Our sex life dwindles after this. I try to be supportive and positive but communication is very basic. The valve has been turned off. I try for a few years, then just give up. She will not initiate, at least with me. I am sorry that this is so long, this is the first time I've put this out anywhere. I'm unhappy and I feel like a moron for letting this go on.

In 2004 my wife goes to her friend Sue's 50th birthday party up North a hundred miles. This is the same friend who she went through a bunch of her guys with. At the time the friend was having an affair with a college professor and that was just fine with her. No worries, no regrets. So I get a call from the friend saying my wife is too drunk to drive home, I ask to speak with her and Sue says she can't find her. OK. I call back a couple of more times later into the night. They can't find her and have no idea where she is. The house isn't that big. Never spoke with her that night. She came back at eight pm the next day, said she was exhausted and went right up to bed. This pattern happened a few more times; disheveled, late in, straight to bed with no contact with me. To this day she gets off work at three pm and gets home between six & seven pm. She has never explained to me what happened or what she's doing. 

In 2007 an old boyfriend, Gary, of hers is going to say with us for a few days while he gets his van up and running for the trip back East. OOOOk. I have met the guy a couple of times before he seemed alright. So the two of them said they were going to the store then drive around and talk and catch up on things as they both have mutual friends. Two and a half hours later they came back. They said they went to the locks and just talked. I knew then, and still know now that they went and had sex. When we sat down in our living room I sat on one couch and Gary sat on the other couch facing me. My wife sat next to Gary, close, very close. She was giggly and cuddly with him right in front of me. And she had the "look", the unmistakable glow and satisfaction of just having her brains ****ed out. I know this look well, but had not seen it since the 3-some event. 
That snapshot is too powerful for me to ever get out of my mind. It felt like they did not care to pretend that anything happened, but that they were going to let the chips fall where they may. I got up and left, never did see any groceries. 
He stayed for a few more days and I had to avoid Gary as I did not want it to get physical. Finally she said she sent him away and was sorry he was there so long. We talked about this after he left, she adamantly said that nothing happened. She has never admitted involvement in any of the questionable situations I have seen or been around.

No sex since 2007. About 3 years ago my wife signed up on a couple of online dating sites for older adults. I got pretty pissed verbally. She said that there was nothing going on between us and she wanted to see what was "out there". After some time (a month) she told me she had stopped looking at the sites. I don't think I believe her. 

So, as the world turns, my wife says to me last month while we are talking that she thinks that "I'm a wimp, you act like a girl around me. You can't stand up to me, so how are you going to standup for yourself". This one hurts the most. You guys know what I'm saying. Being understanding and kind is wrong? I don't get it. When I lived overseas there was an undercurrent in the place I was at that if you did not stand up for yourself, whether you understood or not the situation you were in, it was the duty of others to take advantage of you, you deserved to be messed with because you would not confront. I feel like that now. Maybe I am a wimp, loser. Most of women who ever knew me never slept with me. I was always the" Oh, you’re a good and caring guy I wouldn't want to spoil it with sex" guy. I absolutely hate that. I never was a "ladies man". Too late now the best is past. 

Two weeks ago my wife and I went for a drive to a small town we both like. We had a really, good, fun, long day. While we were at a restaurant she came up with; "you know it's your life and if you want to go have new sexual experiences there are plenty of adult hook-up sites on the internet. Do what you have to do". I must have looked like an idiot for a couple of seconds, mouth open, eh, eh, eh........ I did not delve into what that was about at the time because of shock. What?! I was thinking; seriously and how are you familiar with "hook-up" sites? She was on "dating" sites before. She won't talk about it now, just gets annoyed. Does she feel sorry for me? Is she trying to get me to get involved to justify and aleve her guilt? I'm tired, sick & tired. I've been working for 47 years straight and I don't have the strength anymore. 
We have been going to marriage counseling for the past year. I open up more than she does and she gets snippy sometimes with the female counselor. We have been three other times to counselling over our marriage and it has been my wife who has stopped going. It always happens when they start to question her and ask too many sensitive questions of her. She heads for the door. 

Three things I want to say at the end here. I believe these to be more true than not.

1) For women, once desire for a man is lost it very rarely comes back.

2) If there is straying or infidelity, men will break down and confess over guilt. Women will absolutely not confess to anything even when caught. Women are much better at hiding details and covering their tracks.

3) If a woman has lost respect for you as a man it is extremely hard to get it back, if ever. She will not have sex with you she does not want to be touched by you. She can easily deal with you on a day to day basis, even tell everyone truly that you are a good husband, father, and provider. This is really true, she does love you, but not in "that" way anymore.


Thank you for letting tell my story. If you have any opinions or comments feel free to post them. I would welcome anything you might have to say. 

All the Best! Pres


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Pres, if you intend to stay with your abuser, you should have a central vacuum system installed in your home to make it easier 
for you to clean the excrement and other dirt she and her studs leave on you after wiping their a*ses and feet on you.
Dump them!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WHAT.

IN.

THE.

F*CK...

...did I just read...?!?

:scratchhead:

ETA: Reported.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

At 58 I bet you could find a nice young 40 yr old that would love to be with you.

or

After 47 yrs of work take some of that dough and check out the Bunny Range in NV. I mean you should have some cash saved up.....I'm thinking you start spending.........cuz only the good die young so that means your old lady will way out live you.


At the very least make sure your boy gets everything when you pass, cuz your old lady doesn't deserve sh1t.


Come on man...it's time to start living....you got another twenty years left, if not more


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Pres said:


> Three things I want to say at the end here. I believe these to be more true than not.
> 
> 1) For women, once desire for a man is lost it very rarely comes back.


It’s the same for men. For both men and women, once desire is gone it’s hard to get it back. There is a way to get it back. But most people who have lost desire don’t want to do the work. Their lack of desire turns them off to the idea.



Pres said:


> 2) If there is straying or infidelity, men will break down and confess over guilt. Women will absolutely not confess to anything even when caught. Women are much better at hiding details and covering their tracks.


Again you are trying to generalize your experience with your wife. That does not work. Most people who cheat hide details, very their tracks and lie like they believe their lies. Most do not confess even when caught. Male, female… cheaters are cheaters and act the same.



Pres said:


> 3) If a woman has lost respect for you as a man it is extremely hard to get it back, if ever. She will not have sex with you she does not want to be touched by you. She can easily deal with you on a day to day basis, even tell everyone truly that you are a good husband, father, and provider. This is really true, she does love you, but not in "that" way anymore.


Yep this happens. And it happens when men lose respect for their wives too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So why are you still with your wife?

You have taught her that it's ok to treat you this way.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Shes 64 years old and still being a 'playgirl'?

You'd think that'd be enough time to grow up. I guess not.

very sorry dude, im not going to dump on you cause youve got enough problems.

suffice it to say: you gotta leave, shes a ho


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

At least based on what you say


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

At the risk of offending you i will deliver some harsh truths. Unfortunately you have no one but yourself to blame for the predicament you now find yourself in.

You firstly let another man into your bedroom, coupled with the fact that you have been a doormat that has offered up no consequences past or present for your wifes extremely foul behavour.

Make no mistake your wife has been sleeping with other people. I cant believe that you would accept an old boyfriend or any guy friend of hers sleeping over and let them carry on sexually the way they have in front of you. (Shaking my head in disblief)

Man up do a 180 on her and serve her with Divorce Papers. Do not try to nice your way out of this or try to reason with her if any divorce occurs. Let your lawyers deal with her. Her account is way over due.

On a serious note i do feel for you. Hope you find the courage to man up.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

OK, I'll bite (again)...

OP, if you happen to have children w/ this trollop...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Make videos?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> OK, I'll bite (again)...
> 
> OP, if you happen to have children w/ this trollop...


:slap::slap:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ermp8SQYsjo


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Dear lord. Pres, if you are for real I suggest you ask a mod to move this to CWI where you will be soundly beaten to a pulp by the 2x4's of reality.

I'm so sorry. Don't count yourself out. Time to pack it in and leave this horrible woman!


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

I know where you are coming from because I was in a sexless marriage for 5 years. No 1% sex marriage but a genuine 100% sexless marriage. Her refusal to address this issue, like your wife's, was what killed the marriage and had me file for divorce. 

I had my fill, have you had yours?


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## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

Get out! Now! You let her treat you this way. You let her ex boyfriend into the house. You didnt 'fight for her', or try to stop her. You let her do all this. You never put your foot down and said enough is enough. She is a disgusting woman. At this age, she still sleeps around:/ 
She clearly doesn't respect you. You shouldnt waste the rest of your life with her. Leave her! Enjoy your life. I am so sorry.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

Your wife was right, you are a wimp and never stand up for yourself or up to her thus losing her respect. You avoid conflict & confrontation and allow behaviour that is clearly bothering you to carry on unfettered. You allowed your wife to dictate every term and aspect of your marriage.

No self respecting human being would be okay with or condone their spouse flirting and engaging in sexual relations or activity with another person/other people, much less with their consent or lack of disapproval (swingers and cuckolds excluded).

I write this not to offend but to bring it to your realization. You have been passive throughout your marriage, a spectator and care provider at most. Any single one of the number of things that your wife has done would be enough to end a marriage on their own.


"Being understanding and kind is wrong?" There is a difference between being understanding & kind and being a complete doormat who lets people disrespect him so callously.

On the three things that you have mentioned, all of them are specific to *YOUR* wife and *YOUR* relationship. There is no gender exclusive behaviour, thinking or reasoning in relationships.


Oh my God I am at a loss as to what kind of a person lives like this. The only reasons I can think of are that you have negative self esteem and zero sense of self worth and you are so entirely afraid of losing your wife and being without her that you will basically accept or overlook all of her questionable, f***** up behaviour and attitude. Even at 6' 2" (1.87m to the rest of us) you are nowhere near tall enough to reach her on this pedestal you have her on.

I actually feel very sad for you, and angry towards you. I want you to be happy and not have to live like this.

Do you want to rectify this? "*1) For women, once desire for a man is lost it very rarely comes back*"

Then stop being passive. She is not likely to change her ways or admit to any fault in her character & behaviour but you can at least evolve into a happier, more confident and self-assured man.

Separate from your wife, I would've recommended divorce but I do not think you are anywhere near strong enough or capable of even considering that as an option at the moment.

Move out and restrict communication between you two to texts or emails, limited only to discussing finances or your children. You need to cut this umbilical cord of codependency from her and learn to function and thrive as your own man, sounds nice doesn't it?

Take care of yourself, read books, go out and socialize with people, meet new people, meet new women (your wife has sanctioned this so you need not feel guilty). Start a hobby, indulge your interests or look into new ones and exercise, swim, do sports, just f****** have fun.

Try to go at least a month without seeing or talking to her.


N.B. I think that you should move this thread or copy it to the Coping With Infidelity section. You will receive more insight, advice and support there.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

Holy s*** you've been in a horrible marriage longer than I've been alive. Scratch what I wrote above, divorce herissed:!!!!!


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

You lost me at 

"She had stopped taking her birth control pills but failed to let me know this fact..."


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sparkyjim said:


> You lost me at
> 
> "She had stopped taking her birth control pills but failed to let me know this fact..."


He lost me at "300+".

Ewww...


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## poolboy (Sep 3, 2014)

i can't believe someone would waste their life living with a clearly highly sexual woman and not get to enjoy it. she must be giving you something for you to have stayed so long. it's called cuckolding. read up on the subject.

start by admitting what it is that runs through your mind while you are masturbating. you have spent all these years masturbating, correct?

i suggest you get yourself some high heels and a maids outfit and do cleanup duty for your wife and her lovers. at least you'll be a participant.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There is no point moving on until you figure out what and why this happened to you. The answer is easy to find. Get the mmslp book linked to below. If you're in a hurry download it at Amazon .

You're a product of low self esteem due to your early youth condition and taking seriously the women's lib definition of what a man is .supposed to be. 

You can be fixed and you can have a good wife again, possibly the same one you have now.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover

No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover | 9780762415335 | Hardcover | Barnes & Noble


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I hope Pres is reading this stuff, even if some is pretty harsh and painful.

He sounds like an ok dude that doesn't deserve this krud.

58 is not that old; enough time to find a new life and some peace and happiness. There are probably other older hippie gals out there that take relationships serious.


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## Givernor (Oct 3, 2014)

A quick calculation shows that if she started having sex at 13 yo, she had 14.3 different partners a year. That's more than one new guy every month for all 21 years before you took her as "your own".

For a self proclaimed man with "image issues" you sure don't back down from a challenge.

Anyhow, I think she has always cheated and simply saw you as the most suitable person to have children with. After all, children deserve one semi-good parent.

Frankly, only you know what is bothering you the most. sex?intimacy? respect? If you are still friends and can handle an open relationship, hell, stay together. But she isn't ever going to be exclusive and is too old to care about hiding it.

If you split I would spend a year ALONE at least. You have major issues yourself and shouldn't be dating until you figure out what a healthy relationship looks like.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Pres said:


> Hello, this is my first post. My wife and I have been married for 30 years this year. She was 34 and I was 28 when we first got married. When we first met we talked to each other over two hours at a bar (waiting for other friends to show to go to a Sounders game) before I even asked her name. We clicked instantly and spent the week-end together. In six months we were married. She looked like a model, so very beautiful, kind, loving, and smart. She is still beautiful, and I love her soul, at least the part she lets me into.
> 
> We are/were hippies, a product of the times and proud of it. I have had image issues in the past due to being born with a cleft-palette (no nose, no roof in my mouth, oversized lower lip, etc.), though this was all corrected beautifully when I was fifteen years old. I was 6' 2" when I was in fifth grade but I felt sorry for the kids who made fun of me. Another story for another place.
> 
> ...


Sexual acting out, boredom and the need for sexual variety is usually the sign of a fear or discomfort with intimacy. people who suffer with this can love sex, as long as it is done at arm's length emotionally which is why threesomes, one night stands and other types of non intimate sex come to be preferred. Couple sex, especially in a close relationship like a marriage makes them feel uncomfortable. In men with this problem they can actually suffer severe sexual dysfunctions once a relationship starts getting close or after they get married.

For women it is a matter or trying to push the partner away and refusing sex. Some women may try giving mercy sex to their partners but under those circumstances the sex can be excruciating.

It is only when having non intimate sex that these people can fully relax and enjoy themselves sexually.

These intimacy fears usually have their roots in childhood with sexual, psychological or physical abuse of the child or other traumatic events in the family of origin with the basic result being an inability to trust anyone who is close to you. Often the sexual reaction to this later in life is not conscious and the sufferer has no idea why they lose sexual interest in partners after relationships begin to get serious. the great tragedy is that these people do feel they want to be close and have loving relationships but their bodies just stop responding sexually unless the relationship is new or distant as far as non sexual intimacy goes.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Sorry, Pres, but you married a w*ore. You loved her and you still do love her, so you're hurt and trying to find some logical value in your pain. There is none. It's simply that you ignored her in the beginning when she told you she'd slept with 300 men. Nobody, and I mean nobody - neither man nor woman - has the kind of time, or desire for that matter, but a w*ore. Whether she's a prostitute and actually receives money for her services is not something I would know. But she's a w*ore nonetheless. Instead of being turned on when she told you that, you should have turned around and went home. Don't be hurt though. You can neither be hurt nor angry by what you allow a person to do to you. And you really can't be hurt by a w*ore being a w*ore. Maybe you should just accept that this is your life. I don't know. I think I'm just trying to find a way to help you make peace with it so you won't be so hurt. Actually, you need to leave.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Although you are getting some tough advice, realize this, being the victim of spouse is not your fault. Loving her is not a fault. Not knowing what to do is not a fault.

However, now you have found answers to the questions and misgivings you have had and you can now act in your own interests.

Unfortunately, what you have found out about your wife is almost certainly the tip of a large iceberg. What you decide to do now is your call. Be comfortable with whatever path you choose.

Look kindly on the posters who seem to be extremely harsh and negative. Their harshness is an attempt to help you break free.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

when you say she called you a wimp for not standing up to her, i wonder if what she meant from a sort of perverse sense was that she lost her respect for you because she was skrewing around and you didn't do anything to stop her. you just put up with it.

As far as the question; 'can she change?' Only if she truly loves Pres and does not want him to leave. My guess is she doesn't love him enough, based on how he describes her, but I could be wrong.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Pres: are you reading from afar? good luck to you whatever you decide.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

intheory said:


> This is such a great post.
> 
> Do you think people such as OP's wife can "heal". At her age (64?), is it possible for her to learn to enjoy sex in an emotionally close context?


No. 

Therapy has a terrible track record in fixing these kinds of problems. These traumas are seared into the memories of people so deep that when they suffer the results they don't understand why. Like I said they don't understand why their bodies are betraying them. They may still have sexual desire on their minds but their bodies refuse to co-operate. This is an even worse problem for men because they cannot perform sexually once a relationship starts to get close.

For both men and women who suffer with this trying to find a sexual partner you can keep at an emotional arms length sometimes works. If that doesn't work the only partners they can sexually enjoy are either one night stands or paid sex.

If the person, not knowing they have this problem gets married then the marriage almost always goes sexless and so many, looking back on their series of failed relationships have to make a choice between being single and sexually satisfied or forgoing sex and being part of a marriage and family. It's really rough on the other spouse too for sure.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Mr B said:


> No.
> 
> Therapy has a terrible track record in fixing these kinds of problems. These traumas are seared into the memories of people so deep that when they suffer the results they don't understand why. Like I said they don't understand why their bodies are betraying them. They may still have sexual desire on their minds but their bodies refuse to co-operate. This is an even worse problem for men because they cannot perform sexually once a relationship starts to get close.
> 
> ...



Is this why a lot of women (it seems like it is women), are attracted to emotionally unavailable men?

Or, is that why some people can only O during sex if they think about someone else?

Since most people do marry; I think people with these problems tend to develop a coping mechanism.

But, as you said, they don't know _why_ they are doing it.

OP, does any of this make sense to you? Did your wife become more remote; the closer your relationship became?


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## Moops (Sep 26, 2014)

Women generally don't have as high of a sex drive as men. Its unrealistic to expect them to think about sex the same way we do.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Mr B said:


> If the person, not knowing they have this problem gets married then the marriage almost always goes sexless and so many, looking back on their series of failed relationships have to make a choice between being single and sexually satisfied or forgoing sex and being part of a marriage and family. It's really rough on the other spouse too for sure.


Great posts, Mr. B.

Another choice made by such a person is to seek sexual fulfillment via affairs while married. They remember having good sex while single (perhaps even with their spouse before the wedding), and they don't understand why now they have unpleasant emotional responses to sex or emotional closeness.

But in an affair they can explore their sexuality and feel the excitement they remember from their pre-married days.

Being a victim of childhood sexual abuse is one of the top risk factors to having affairs.

Abuse victims can be extremely good at compartmentalizing different parts of their life. This is a learned coping mechanism from the abuse and the aftermath. So for them it may be easy to show no signs of having an affair.


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## Pres (Dec 3, 2014)

Hello to all of you! I have been reading all of your postings and I want to thank each and everyone of you. Individually and collectively you been a great comfort with your wise insights. Even the tough ones, especially the tough ones.

I want to update everyone as to the situation now. On Wednesday night we talked after I went, alone, to our marriage councelor. 

I showed her what I presented to all of you. She said the "300", I doubt it, possible, but not likely. Self important bragging, doesn't matter. "7 years!?" We hadn't gotten to that part. I told her that 2 months ago my wife went out and got a storage unit just in her name and started moving some of (just) her stuff into it. 
We were (so I was led to believe) going to move to a bigger rental house to sort out everything and downsize before we retired. The councelor thought that odd, and told me to ask her what her plans were for us over the next 20 years. I thought it was wierd as well, it didn't smell right. 

So I got home and she was not there. When she did show up at 7:30 pm I asked her the question. Predicate this with the fact that we had spent a Saturday and a Sunday driving around looking at rental property. 

So I said "what are your plans for us long term" She just didn't answer. I said it was crappy that she rented the storage unit without me. Then I said I feel like that if we move that when I get to the house there would be someone else there. She just said "uh, yeah". She was going to ditch me!!!!. Dumfounded and angry, I wanted to hear as much from her as I could. We talked till 4:00 am. She was very cold, deliberate, and matter of fact, like I have never seen. Ultimatums, put downs, blaming, digs big and small, just horrible! She does not love me or even care a tiny bit. I know now she hasn't for years, if she ever did at all. Kept saying I should go find someone else. Then she started to drag my parents into it. Damn!!!!! I have never seen her like this, ever, just damn mean and vicious. Whatever feelings of, love? Or whatever it has turned into, was dead, for good, that night. 
What a damn fool I have been all these years. 

We did not talk on Thursday, I just couldn't take anymore.

Today I texted the councelor. Mind you, this is a woman who has seen us both together for some months. 

"I am so sorry! That is cold and calculating to say the least. Whatever you do don't do anything that is payback. That makes you no better than her. Be the person you are. You can't change her or the past. You have appologized (for the past) many times, you do not have to keep doing it. If she can't or won't accept it, that is her choice. Revenge, bitterness, hate, and not forgiving only hurts the one who is doing it. They really don't like themselves. Don't let your abuser, deceiver, betrayer decide for you when to start healing.

I was thinking out loud, trying to figure out a way to make her feel as bad as I do now. Nothing physical, just gut wrenching, soul searing pain. 

The councelor: "Trying to make her feel the pain you are feeling and getting back at her won't be satisfying to you, because she doesn't care and it will only cause you more pain to see her unaffected. You no longer have to strive to be worthy of her love or forgiveness, you have already proven that you are worthy by how you changed long ago." (I quit drinking booze 20 years ago, even now no desire to EVER go back to that stink'in think'in)
"Now it's time to heal yourself and that will take time. You have been a doormat trying to earn her love & forgivness, no wonder you got angry sometimes - it was never good enough, right? This has to have made you forget to respect yourself and then settle for the occasional crumbs that have been thrown your way whenever she felt like it, this allowing her to treat you poorly and put you down to your children."

Luckily my kids have not been fooled by her. They have issues they are working because of her. My daughter just told me that when she has a fight with her boyfriend (great guy) she is afraid he going to leave. She knows rationally that isn't true, but it is a struggle and a direct influence of my wife. 

Councelor: "Just remember that trying to make her "see how it feels" will only hurt you more because she will very likely not be affected and it hurts you even more that you see that they are unaffected. She knows this." 

When I got home tonight (freedom day) I told her I was moving out. Very passive/aggressive "Okay, what ever you want to do" I told her to knock off the shyt, the game is over and I'm not on the field anymore. .............I left it at that. 

Moving out of the bedroom tonight. I already have a storage unit and am moving my stuff to there now. Looking on Hotpads for a 1 bedroom apartment. The timing is perfect as my 2 biggest checks of the year (November and December) are going to overlap nicely. 

So I can not thank you all enough! It's with your advice, wisdom, and a good hard kick in the ass that I can now see with my eyes open. I always knew I wasn't the brightest bulb in the box, but damn, just damn!! Now I can start a new chapter in my life. Thank you. 


P.S. Just as I was finishing typing this and she walked in and said "I don't know whats going on, what did I do. Can we talk some more?" I said "nope we're done, please leave I'm busy."


All the Best! Always!!

Pres


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Pres said:


> So I can not thank you all enough! It's with your advice, wisdom, and a good hard kick in the ass that I can now see with my eyes open. I always knew I wasn't the brightest bulb in the box, but damn, just damn!! *Now I can start a new chapter in my life.* Thank you.
> 
> 
> P.S. Just as I was finishing typing this and she walked in and said "I don't know whats going on, what did I do. Can we talk some more?" I said "nope we're done, please leave I'm busy."
> ...


Too slow. Allow me.

Pres's wife stood there in slack-jawed amazement, that the man she had loved like no other would show such will and determination.

Pres slowly rose from the flaming wreckage of his computer, calmly flicking a shard of keyboard (the "Y" key, in case you were wondering (as in, "for the love of GOD, Y?")) off the sleeve of his mohair sweater.

He gazed at the woman who had treated him so cruelly for years, and wondered why he hadn't posted on TAM back in the dawn of the internet when life was much more groovy. Then he remembered that he was a self-described hippy, and hadn't cared about computers back then.

With his dignity suddenly restored, charity and decency returned as well- he took the Bata drums and all the good weed, but left the LSD from the Grateful Dead concert of '93 behind- his wife always preferred tripping to toking, and he never liked the brown acid, anyway.

With her words and actions, Pres' wife had effectively told him that she didn't want him no more.

So he let himself go.

In the months that followed, Pres went on a singles cruise.

He went to Vegas once, then to Honolulu.

He went to New York city, he spent a week at an upscale spa and came back knocked out, uh, good-looking.

He knew she didn't love him no more, he let himself go-

On his first blind date, he had the time of his life with some friends at the lake.

He bought a brand new car, drove it down to the beach she always said was too far. The sand sure felt good between his toes.

He let himself go.

Okay, now you do the NEXT chapter. Bonus points if it involves midgets. Extra bonus points if it resembles a George Strait song.


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## Pollo (Oct 17, 2014)

She's a ho. What else is there to say?


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

"I don't know whats going on, what did I do. Can we talk some more?".. wow:scratchhead:!

Even though it took you a lifetime to finally stand up (sort of) for yourself I'm glad you are here, keep the momentum going. Moving out is a great first step, file for divorce and let your lawyer handle everything, walk away with as much as you can and begin a new life for yourself. Only deal with her when you necessarily have to, otherwise NO CONTACT WITH HER at all.

Your story has really affected me.

I think that you will be dealing with a lot of unresolved anger, some directed at her and some towards yourself, many victims of abuse usually do once the strength within themselves has been discovered. I know I am from having read your story.

Your councellor is correct, do not seek payback as it'll be a futile endeavour. You should direct any pent up frustration and energy into activities that'll bring you joy, go out into the world and just enjoy yourself, exercise, meet women, use your cheques to travel. The world is your oyster.

N.B. you have to stop being so apologetic, if I even sense you apologizing to someone I will find you and end you.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Thor said:


> Great posts, Mr. B.
> 
> Another choice made by such a person is to seek sexual fulfillment via affairs while married. They remember having good sex while single (perhaps even with their spouse before the wedding), and they don't understand why now they have unpleasant emotional responses to sex or emotional closeness.
> 
> ...


During most affairs people do want some kind of close intimate relationship as well as sex. For those who suffer a fear of intimacy finding a partner willing to have sex on a regular basis with no strings attached that you can hold at arm's length emotionally is pretty well impossible, especially for men. If these people try to have an affair and their affair partner starts to have strong feelings for them the same sexual discomfort and dysfunctions will soon appear and the affair will end very quickly.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He's not going anywhere. Zebras don't change their stripes that quickly.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It doesn't sound to me that her mental state is capable of recognizing what's going on, let alone capable of fixing it.


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## Pres (Dec 3, 2014)

Hello again. I'm still pressing forward. I finally have some consecutive days off. WoM, I'm not a zebra. I'll post a pic of myself, and that'll learn 'ya  
I have most of my things moved out, didn't realize how little was mine. Looking now for a new place. Got a couple of prospects, one a clean small one bedroom house. Looked at a couple of dating sites. Gathering papers. 
I spoke with my wife last night and explained to her the new boundaries when it comes to me, I still have to be around her for another 30 days, money timings. She started going off about how I make shyt up in my head and I have it all wrong. I told her I'm done listening to her B.S., that boat has sailed:bsflag: She stated that when she went through menopause it killed her sex drive (Right, I get that part), that she has no interest in sex at all and that she is not banging anybody :bsflag: I told her yeah, but that is on you 100%, you did NOTHING to even attempt to fix it, ever. Her choice. I went on in a calm, intelligent, self-assured, undaunted manner. She sat there (literally) with her mouth wide open as if stunned. When I had finished say my piece she said very timidly; I do say mean things sometime. Really, I hadn't noticed....... The love that was there, is still gone. I'm happy about that. The abomination that, my so-called love, had become was killing me from the inside. I go through a wide range of emotions, but now I come back to a solid place that I know I can move on too and be really, really, happy. OK, gotta go, more sorting and packing to do. I'll keep you updated.

All the Best! Pres :smthumbup:


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

So...is she having an affair or not?


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Lots of luck to you, Pres!!! Console yourself with the fact that she'll end up alone in the long run. Sounds like you were a good husband and I doubt that she'll be able to find anyone nearly as good as you. Enjoy your new life and never look back.


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## Pres (Dec 3, 2014)

Hey, went to the counselor yesterday. I found she is also a psychotherapist as well. She asked if my wife had said anything and/or apologized. I told her no, she was quiet with an odd undertone. She said "no conscious, I have always had a rough time understanding sociopaths".
She apologized for giving the impression that she had spent more time or appeared to be taking her side in things, she was trying to break through the walls and never even got close. Even the one time they were one on one, nothing. 
P-9 at this point I really couldn't tell you one way or another, I don't think will ever admit to any culpability for anything, or action, on her part. At this point there plenty of other things that have been exposed. 
The more I peal this back, the more validation I receive. And that is of great strength to me right now. 
I believe that she is already on the road to being alone. Sad for her, not for me. I have new horizons to explore. 
I have always tried to do my best by people. Life is already hard enough. Like Elvis Costello said; what’s so funny about peace, love, and understanding? I can start to live my convictions again.

Cheers! Pres


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

Pres said:


> Hello again. I'm still pressing forward. I finally have some consecutive days off. WoM, I'm not a zebra. I'll post a pic of myself, and that'll learn 'ya
> I have most of my things moved out, didn't realize how little was mine. Looking now for a new place. Got a couple of prospects, one a clean small one bedroom house. Looked at a couple of dating sites. Gathering papers.
> I spoke with my wife last night and explained to her the new boundaries when it comes to me, I still have to be around her for another 30 days, money timings. She started going off about how I make shyt up in my head and I have it all wrong. I told her I'm done listening to her B.S., that boat has sailed:bsflag: She stated that when she went through menopause it killed her sex drive (Right, I get that part), that she has no interest in sex at all and that she is not banging anybody :bsflag: I told her yeah, but that is on you 100%, you did NOTHING to even attempt to fix it, ever. Her choice. I went on in a calm, intelligent, self-assured, undaunted manner. She sat there (literally) with her mouth wide open as if stunned. When I had finished say my piece she said very timidly; I do say mean things sometime. Really, I hadn't noticed....... The love that was there, is still gone. I'm happy about that. The abomination that, my so-called love, had become was killing me from the inside. I go through a wide range of emotions, but now I come back to a solid place that I know I can move on too and be really, really, happy. OK, gotta go, more sorting and packing to do. I'll keep you updated.
> 
> All the Best! Pres :smthumbup:


Wow, astounding:smthumbup:. I am amazed, delightfully surprised and more importantly sincerely happy for you!!


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

'_She started going off about how I make shyt up in my head and I have it all wrong_'

- This by the way is known as gas-lighting.


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## Pres (Dec 3, 2014)

Damn dude, This absolutely nails it perfectly!! Every one of the signs listed I have been affected by. I've never heard that there was a name for it. I wish I had heard about this a longtime ago. But, what is here is now. Thank you very much for putting a tangible face on this. Now I can use it to move forward. Still going through some good sized ups & downs, very tiring but this time they are not incapacitating. Time. Thanks again. I need to do some reading (and moving).

All the Best! Pres


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Pres said:


> Three things I want to say at the end here. I believe these to be more true than not.
> 
> 1) For women, once desire for a man is lost it very rarely comes back.
> 
> ...


On these my man, you nailed it, with the exception of 1 and 3 where the correct answer is "never" rather than "rarely" or "extremely hard". On 2, women will "confess" when they are ready to complete ditch you and want to grease the skids to get you out of their life.

My question to you is why you want to stay with old granny hotforstrange when you can unload her and get one 10 years younger than yourself. Unless she's going to share her social security check with you, doesn't sound like your getting anything out of it except crapped on. When she's 75 one ten years younger than you will be 58. Its like the difference between a ripe peach and dried prune. Think about it Dawg.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

Pres said:


> Damn dude, This absolutely nails it perfectly!! Every one of the signs listed I have been affected by. I've never heard that there was a name for it. I wish I had heard about this a longtime ago


 - The more you know.

Though human behaviour is complex, it is not complicated. When it comes to cheaters, narcissists and abusers their behaviour tends to encompass gas-lighting, manipulation, selfishness, blame-shifting, trickle-truth, playing at being the victim, never accepting fault, lack of accountability and lying to varying degrees to name a few.




Pres said:


> Still going through some good sized ups & downs, very tiring but this time they are not incapacitating


 - I'm not surprised considering what you've gone through in your marriage and the amount of time it has taken.

You will experience a torrent of emotions. You have a lot of unresolved issues and emotions and it may overwhelm you at times. I tend to recommend exercise and other forms of physical activities. The effort helps redirect excess energy and emotions so that it does not have an adverse affect on your being, it improves health and helps build confidence so get a start on it.

I have to give your counselor credit on recommending that you do not seek payback on your wife, even if you strongly desire to do so, because it'll be a futile endeavour and ultimitely leave you feeling hollow and angier.

Moving out as stated before is a good first step, you should also separate your finances as well and limit communication with your ex. How are you planning on proceeding in terms of the marriage?


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## Pres (Dec 3, 2014)

Hello again, As the World Turns..... So to start with I just gave my vacate notice to the property manager. Tomorrow I am going to look at a small 1 bedroom house for less than I was paying here. I think I have a shot at it. Sometimes age does have its privilege. As far as our finances go just 1/2 the bills. We have had separate bank accounts for over 20 years. Too many fights over money. I'm so glad I don't have to untangle that kind of mess now. 

The deal is now divorce. We are not going to go after each other for anything, in fact she does not want any of the furniture; couches, bed, dressers, end tables, etc. All she wants is some slim shelves and here mothers china cabinet. I'll draw up the papers, she and I will sign them, I'll file them (she's paying half, my choice) and we both go our own ways. Retirement accounts are equal, we don't own a house anymore, we both have our cars in our own names and they are paid off. The kids are adults. 

As to the revenge aspect, as strange as it feels, I honestly do not care about her and I could care less what has happened in the past. That feels great and I love the strength I feel returning to me. I will NOT let her f-ck up my renewed life in any shape or form. She is, very much, not deserving of anything from me. So I'm sure her not wanting the furniture and the bed means she is moving in with someone. In fact I've got a couple of bets on it. I truly don't give a shyt. 

I've played soccer since 1961 so I'm going to look for a 50 & over league to dink around in. Gonna look for a NordicTrack for watching movies. As to the smoking cigarettes, I told my daughter, now I have a reason to quit! I quit one time for two years with the promise that we would start having sex again. Guess....... Yeah, that never happened either. 

The counselor I'm going to keep, she has helped to open the door and my eyes, as all of you have. Thank you. I have never felt so good, so right, or so strong after a fiasco such as this. The "Gaslight" revelation has really bridged a lot of gaps for me. No one else I have told about it has ever heard of it either. They are really taken aback when they read up on it. 

I have had the stones to put myself on a dating site, pictures, profile and all. I've had two very beautiful women tell me that I am handsome, and one said I look very desirable. I have not heard that in so long I almost started crying. Ok, I'm sappy sue me.... I am communicating with about 10 women now I actually looked at the e-mails to see if they were sent it to the wrong guys. I'm not used to this at all. This time the boundaries are spelled out up front and unapologetically. I need some passion and fun right now, I deserve it. The Eagles from Desperado; And I ain't had a woman in so long, I need to feed my starvin' soul. Time to saddle up boys and ride into town, and get a little out of control.

That's it for now. I have to get for work in 4 hours. Thanks again for all of your great support and insight!!

Cheers! Pres


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Good luck.

Be sure and get the mmslp book linked to below. There is more jaw dropping in your future.


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## Vanille (Dec 13, 2014)

Uhhh no that is so not okay! Why have you not separated? Obviously she has been having sex with other people. Also, anyone who has slept with 300+ people before getting married isn't going to stop after getting married. By that point it's become a lifestyle. Find yourself a nice faithful lady so you can have peace of mind.

Edit: Oh I just now saw your update. Good luck with everything! I'm excited for you, you have freedom and weight off of your shoulders now.


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## Pres (Dec 3, 2014)

Hello all, Just a quick update. We have separated. I now have my own apartment. It's been a bit strange living on my own again. I like it! I am happier and more hopeful than I have been in years. 
I haven't lived on my own since 1978  that includes 6 years in the US Navy. It's good though, a lot has changed. I haven't been dating or trying to fool around or anything. In time I guess, but for now just getting things together. Cheers! 

All the Best! Pres :smthumbup:


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Thats great!
Happy for you


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

YEAH BABY! I feel like I just watched an Oscar movie reading this thread. Awesome Character development, perfect villain, comedy and drama the whole 9 yards. Just gonna throw this out there as a suggested title 'life after nothing'  onya mate !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I missed the hippie generation by 20 years or so, so I wasn't there, but I'm old enough to only be one generation removed from it.

My opinion is that that generation ruined marriage. Sounds harsh, I know, but it has some logic to it.

The whole concept of free love, although good in theory, ended up creating far too many people like OP's wife.

Basically, sex, for many, ended up being FAR less emotional and important than it should be. It became a lifestyle, a thing you do for fun, a pastime almost. And we still feel the effects of it all these years later.

Now I'm no neo-con, nor am I religious. I lean far left in most things. Sex IS fun, and should be enjoyed, but it should still employ some sort of reverence to people. And it does not.

Anybody who has had 300+ sexual partners is clear proof of this.

My own wife, for example, separates sex and love, and she'll admit this. Where did she learn this? You guessed it - hippie mom.

OP, I'm glad you got your life back and have started to move on, truly. But in all honesty, what did you expect 30 years ago when you met this woman who openly admitted to 300+ partners?

Her behaviour had nothing to do with you, believe it or not. Calling you a wimp and everything else she implied was only justification for her. If you weren't a wimp, she would have found something else to use against you.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

intheory said:


> Great post, alexm. I can't believe somebody came right out and said it.
> 
> Once bit of hope for you. I had a "hippie mom". Her beliefs about sex repulsed me from a young age.
> 
> So, although I "stumbled around in the dark" a bit when I was a teenager; I knew I didn't want the life that my mom (with her three failed marriages) had.


My M-I-L has also had as many failed marriages, and is on number 4 now. I think my wife figured out that she didn't want to go that route sometime in her mid to late 20's, but she's here now.

Still doesn't have the greatest attitudes towards sex (or sex in marriage, anyway), but she's getting there.


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