# I think I need anger management. Advice?



## Azure (Oct 8, 2012)

Folks, I've been separated for nearly two months and I'm now working on self-improvement. 

One area I identified that I need to work on is managing my anger. 

My husband would bring out the monster in me. No, I would never throw things or hurt anyone in the process, but I'd drop a few F-bombs here and there and I'd certainly get LOUD.

Thing is, I generally don't have a temper. Most of my friends, even childhood friends, would be surprised if they were told that I have a temper. But I do. 

People who know me too well and know how to push my buttons unleash that ugly side of me. My dad, my mom sometimes, and now my husband. I thought my temper problems were done with. That I was just an angry teen. That I'd overcome it. Apparently not.

Thing is, I'd been to individual counseling for an extended period of time before I got married. So I'm not sure that that's the route to go. 

Does anyone recommend any self-help books or techniques to calm me down when I sense getting frustrated to the point of losing my cool?

Thanks in advance<3


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Azure said:


> Folks, I've been separated for nearly two months and I'm now working on self-improvement.
> 
> One area I identified that I need to work on is managing my anger.
> 
> ...


Keep a record. Ask yourself at the end of each day "Did I remain centered today?" If you can answer 100% yes, mark that day a success. See for how many days you can maintain the streak, then aim to make the next streak longer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A good book "The Dance of Anger"

You need to learn to recognize the buildup to anger within yourself and learn to stop yourself from excalating before you go balistic. You stop your self by just saying you are done for now and will take some time to cool off. The go somewhere quiet and calm yourself down.

You would probably benefit from anger managment classes

Goldstein - Method - Anger Control Training


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## Azure (Oct 8, 2012)

GetTough, I like that idea. I started keeping tracking of my thoughts, especially identifying negative thoughts and its worked really well for me so I'll definitely start doing that.

Ooo EleGirl, I love Harriet Lerner's books! Thanks for the suggestion.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

You must JADE a lot. What does JADE mean?

J- justify
A-argue
D-defend
E-explain

When someone says something that pushes your buttons, don't habitually start JADE. Sometimes you are just not going to change someone's opinion so you just have to accept it and let it go.

This link explains JADE in detail with examples of what to do and what not to do.

OCPD - Scattered Thoughts from the Front Lines: JADE: Good for Jewelry, Bad for Relationships


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## Azure (Oct 8, 2012)

Coffee Amore, thanks for the link.

I read it, but I also dont understand what the alternative is if you're the one being the food police for example. 

My husband's weight got out of control and he continued making really unhealthy food choices even though we had discussed the need for both of us to eat better. I noticed when I stopped commenting, I got resentful as I watched him eat burgers/icecream/ oreos, because he didn't care. What's a better way of relaying frustrations, especially when it seems the other person isn't listening?

We both did this to each other, him with how I spent my money, and me, with how he ate/spent his time.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Azure said:


> Coffee Amore, thanks for the link.
> 
> I read it, but I also dont understand what the alternative is if you're the one being the food police for example.
> 
> ...


I don't have a lot of experience in this area to be honest. My husband likes to watch what he eats and he's about 10 pounds more than he was in college. I have a sibling though who could lose a lot of weight. The spouse of that sibling has tried everything from talking to getting their kids to talk about weight loss, but so far nothing has happened. The weight just seems to keep piling. You know that old saying "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink" ? Same thing applies. You can stock the house with healthy foods, model a healthy lifestyle, talk about clean eating and exercising until you're blue in the face, but you can't ever make someone who does not want to change, change. My sibling with the weight problem says it's not a bother and they're ok with it. I don't think so. I think it's just a facade, but there's nothing more any of us can do other than hope there's an epiphany or crisis (nothing too serious) that will snap them out of it. 

The other thing you could do, if willing, is to draw a hard boundary. "I love you but your weight is making me lose attraction for you. If this continues..I will (insert consequence that you intend to follow through on, not just threaten)." There have been countless threads in the General Forum as well as the Men's Forum and Sex Forum on that topic alone so do a search.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

As the resident anti-therapy and pro-drugs guy, I'll say therapy won't work and drugs will. Anger problems often have physical causes:
-lack of sleep
-low blood sugar
-thyroid disorder
-large amygdala
-hormonal weirdness 

Before going into therapy, at least consider these. Do these emotional outbursts ever happen when you are well rested and well fed? I'll sometimes go long periods of time without eating anything, and that causes a lot of problems. Someone will remind me to eat something, and my emotional stability improves dramatically.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

For me and I used to have a serious anger problem. Turns out I'm hypoglycemic. My high carb diet and my high aspartame consumption played a huge part in my anger problem. This book discusses eliminating anger from your life in 7 weeks and it does work. I did it. These days I eat the zone diet (still low carb) to keep my blood sugar and moods stable.

Amazon.com: Depression-Free, Naturally: 7 Weeks to Eliminating Anxiety, Despair, Fatigue, and Anger from Your Life (9780345435170): Joan Mathews Larson: Books


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## Azure (Oct 8, 2012)

Thanks CoffeeAmore, when I did make calm statements like: "We either go to therapy or I'm filing for divorce" (he refused MC for months, and this was a sort of ultimatum) he now says I "threatened him with divorce" all the time, which led to him not feeling safe in the relationship and shutting down even more.

I'd hate to crush someone's selfesteem even further by saying "I'm losing attraction to you" when it comes to weight issues. Eitherway, thanks for the feedback I'll look into the other threads. 

ShawnD and Mavash, I may have hypothyroid, because I have many of the symptoms, but every time I go to the Dr, the results are negative. I do however, eat a relatively low carb diet, I've cut out A LOT of processed foods over the past 2 years, and I've been exercising 5x a week for the past few months. I know when I'm moody due to food/sleep, but I also know that my anger is generally triggered by behavior that I either don't expect from the person I love or by what they say. My STBX was passive aggressive, which fueled my anger even more, and he behaved very poorly in many circumstances in which I expected more from him. 

My father at one point used to hit me as a teen (and only me, none of my other siblings got hit by him and he's never hit my mother) It made me very angry towards him, and I hated how when I would ask him for permission to do reasonable things, he would say no and there was no room for discussion. My mom on the other hand, I found out through my personal counseling that we are enmeshed. There was/is to some degree now as well a lack of boundaries between us and she knows how to rub salt in the wound, so she knows how to provoke me the most.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

I have had anger issues for the past 20 years and so far therapy hasn't helped, and being hot blooded kind of runs in my family on my father's side where he always had a terrible temper with us growing up & took it out on the whole family. But right around his early 60's that all went away and he rarely gets mad anymore, but I am only going to be 47 and would like to solve my issues right now and not have to deal with this for several more years. But as I have explained on here before it is waaaaay harder than it sounds to just _magically_ turn off that temper switch whenever you want to.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I feel a person's natural born Temperament plays a role in how we deal with anger... some are more Passive aggressive by nature (the Phlegmatics) and some are more Outward / in your face blowing off the steam -(the Cholerics)







....Both are anger ....one is turned inward and one is turned outward... both of the effects hurt others and ourselves. 







The 4 Temperaments









When I was younger, I hated my home life and was ANGRY about it... enough to buy some books on it to help me deal with myself... I forget what they were, but understanding why we are feeling this way...and doing whatever we can...in our power - from our end -gives us some form of control of the situation......

Anger is always about a "Loss of control" or fears overtaking us.

These sounded good >> 

*1*. The Anger Trap: Free Yourself from the Frustrations that Sabotage Your Life: 

A Popular one for women , great reviews >> 

*2. *The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships: 

*3.*Angry All the Time: An Emergency Guide to Anger Control: 

*4*. The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate:


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I feel a person's natural born Temperament plays a role in how we deal with anger... some are more Passive aggressive by nature (the Phlegmatics) and some are more Outward / in your face blowing off the steam -(the Cholerics)
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I am a blowing off steam type of person for sure, but then there's people like my brother in law who keep it all inside to the point he gets nose bleeds because his blood pressure elevates way too much.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Do you have any symptoms of depression? I used to be irritable, but after taking medication for bipolar disorder that has gone away.


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