# Any Men Don't Initiate Intimacy?



## xxxgirlxxx (Oct 4, 2012)

I am a woman posting here for advice or coping ideas.
I am in a healthy strong relationship, this is our 3rd year and we have a small baby. (Our history goes back farther because we actually started dating in middle school, on and off through high school, we apart for a few years and now are back together. We are in our mid twenties.) I am posting this thread here in the men section because I have found that women jump to the worst conclusions possible and do not understand men. In a women's world, if a man is not putting out, he's cheating or addicted to porn. And this is not the case in every situation. Certainly not in mine.

I have a very high sex drive, very little time passes in-between my sexual thoughts and desires. I am so attracted to my partner, he is the only one I desire. To put it bluntly, the second I see him, hear his voice, or even just think about him, I am ready to go. My issue is that he doesn't seem to reciprocate this. He is very loving and verbally reaffirming, but I don't see it in his actions. We make wonderful love, but it feels like a battle to get him to actually do it. I initiate probably %90 of the time and this makes me feel unattractive and undesirable (although I am attractive). He rejects me often claiming to be tired and this hurts my feelings so much. I can respect that he is tired from working, but if he stays up late to work on other projects and is focusing his energy elsewhere, this doesn't hold water with me because it makes me wonder why isn't he extending that energy to me?
Needless to say, we have fought about this in everyway possible. Anger, Crying, Bartering, cutting deals, we have tried honest communication. That seems to work, he will say "I understand, things will change, I don't want to lose you, You're the only one I want", and maybe things do get better for about a week, and then the cycle starts over. He would be happy with sex once or twice a month. I'd like it once a day or every other day. If I were to be truthful, I'd like it several times a day, but I know this is unreasonable and I would be satisfied and happy with a few times a week.
This cycle is so bad that I'm gun-shy to even bring it up. If I ask, mention, suggest or talk about sex, he immediately gets defensive and says "You think I don't know you want it..." or he'll make a joke or tease me which really hurts my feelings because it makes me think he thinks this is a game. I need intimacy to feel attractive and loved, I have shared this with him many times. When I was younger, I needed verbal affirmation, now I need physical affirmation. I tell him that if he never told me I was beautiful, that would be fine as long as he showed me in the bedroom...and everywhere else.
When we do make love, it usually is mind-blowing. This is why he doesn't feel that we have any issues and is unwilling to actually commit to making an effort. About %60 of the time it is perfect, the other %40, it is amazing, but it is all focused on him. I'm perfectly ok with focusing on him, I enjoy pleasuring him every single way I can. Without him asking. Without him telling me he wants me. We can be sitting there, he's researching gadgets or something on his phone, I look at him, and I feel the overwhelming urge to perform oral. He does not reciprocate any sort of feelings like that with me and has admitted it and says he doesn't know why. 
I have tried to spice up our sex life in most ways possible, he is not open to toys. He says he is but always says no when I suggest using one. I am more aggressive than him in the bedroom and he likes it this way, for me it is ok because it makes me feel very hot, but sometimes I'd like to be taken advantage of by a dominant man. I feel like he is always on the receiving end, never willing to meet me halfway. I even participate in dirty talk escalating to helping him fantasize about other woman and three ways, this does not make him want me more often, does not help him initiate and he does not dirty talk the same way back to me, if you know what I mean.

Basically, I love him more than anything and I do not want any other man, but I do not want to accept things the way they are because frankly, I'm tired of it.

I guess I'm looking for other men with low sex drives, or limited initiation and initial enthusiasm to shed some light on his behavior, how I can approach him more successfully, and how to think and feel about this from a coping perspective because I am really feeling unattractive and unloved.

Thank you.


----------



## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm not LD, but other who are will probably jump in. But some more information would be helpful:

1) Has it been this way since before you got married?
2) If not, when did it start to change (right after marriage, after the baby..)
3) How many hours/days does he work?
4) Are there work or other stresses in his life?
5) Has he had his testosterone levels checked?


----------



## xxxgirlxxx (Oct 4, 2012)

1) It's been this way always except the first month and with the exception of some short instances here and there. 
3) he works 9 hours a day but he does some physical work when he's there. Then he has an hour commute on top of that. 
4) money, and his mother. She starts a lot drama and says hurtful things. 
5) yes, he had his levels checked about 1 year 1/2 ago when I first made a big deal about this. To be honest-I can't remember if his levels were fine or not, but he has said on many occasions that he would not take testosterone. He also hates therapy and refuses to discuss himself or me with anyone else at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HabsFan (Sep 27, 2012)

I would suggest there might be an issue from his past linked to this. Without IC and/or MC you might be. Trying to find a needle in a haystack.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## xxxgirlxxx (Oct 4, 2012)

I'm sorry, I'm new to this and I do not know what IC or MC stand for. I really thought there was something in his past and I've asked him "did another woman embarrass you or damage your confidence?" he won't admit or share anything. He says no. Nothing's wrong. It's just not his nature to be aggressive. He's comfortable with the way things are. And in his brain he finds me attractive, he doesn't know why he doesn't come after me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HabsFan (Sep 27, 2012)

IC - individual counselling - MC - marriage counselling. I was suggesting earlier than that as in childhood - role model he had as a child. We're products of our upbringing no matter how good or bad that is. When we men refuse to talk about something there is usually something (possibly painful) at the root of our reluctance. I'm not saying this is your H situation...just a theory. I wish you all the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## xxxgirlxxx (Oct 4, 2012)

Oh ok. I understand. I know more than he does about his Father and Mothers sexual history. There are some disturbing things. But none of which he knows about. I guess what he saw as a child was a sexless emotionless marriage. But, this is why I am confused. He constantly sings to me, compliments me, and has to cuddle with me when going to sleep. All things his parents did not exhibit. In the way of displays of affection, he is nothing like his role model. 
 
I'm sad. I wish there was something I could do. But I feel like ultimately the solution, effort, and progress is up to him. I can't force him or punish h to be different. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Any chance he is simply tired? A man simply cannot fake an erection. If he is too tired it simply won't happen.

I don't want to be accused of perving your situation, so this is a question for you to consider, not answer aloud: do you expect him to ravish you, or are you willing to let him lie back while you perform?

I know personally, even way back when my drive was much higher than it is now, "having to drive" (Agent J speak) vs. "being driven" was a deal-breaker. And I did not do manual labor.


----------



## xxxgirlxxx (Oct 4, 2012)

I understand and accept that much of the time he is tired. But when he's home and he isn't tired, it seems he'll do anything he can...besides me. What I'm saying is there are plenty of opportunities and he doesn't seize them. 
I will answer your question that was directed towards me. I always perform. I always allow and encourage him to lie back and not have to 'work'. This is why I don't feel it's unreasonable to ask of him to ravish me every once in a while. You understand where I'm coming from?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

You might do some reading on here about low drive (LD) men and women. But most of those have to do with those whose drive diminished over time or seemed to drop off a cliff at some point. You said it has been this way pretty much from the beginning. As a result, it may not be anything you can do. You can't "fix" him, the problem is not really you. Just one take, hopefully others will chime in.

You may also ask the moderators to move this to the sex in marriage forum, as you will probably get more responses there.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You initiate too much, back off will ya?

I wrote this thread just for situations like this:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/57375-how-seduce-your-ld-husband.html

Because I'm in the same boat as your husband


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

You guys sound young how old? I can say it does decrease for many. Two years ago I was sex all the time anytime always flirting etc. Now two years later I feel like my life is work, work, shuffle kids, work, and sex is almost a after thought. 

We both recognize the disconnect, but by 11pm we are just dead tired and are on a once every 7-10 day schedule right now.

11 hr days are hard...........


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Sounds like you are so far apart in the drive area. I had issues in my marriage. Never got them worked out. My doctor didn't take me seriously. I didn't realize how important it was to my ex. I couldn't feel what she was feeling. I hope you keep that in mind.

Issues I had and maybe still do:

I didn't feel good enough for her.

I felt like less of a man than she needed.

She was so aggressive, she actually hurt me one time which changed the feeling in my ...

I had issues with her daughter being in the next room and hearing (daughter was 19 when she moved in. should have been fine.)

I needed more intimacy and foreplay.(love not lust)

I was frustrated because she would not talk with me about her desires. I wanted to know what her fantasies were so I could try to fulfill them. She wouldn't tell me, so I was concerned she was taking mental notes about what I liked to use them against me at some point in the future. I clammed up and didn't try new things.

I was on some meds which caused some ED.


----------



## xxxgirlxxx (Oct 4, 2012)

For us, in some ways, it is the opposite of you 2ntnuf, I share my wildest dreams and fantasies and H is very guarded. I have been able to get him to try some new things, but it came after a lot of fighting and emotional pain, not of his own free will, interest or desire to pleasure me. 
Tonight we finally made some progress and as he was really drifting off to sleep I asked him some simple questions and got what I believe to be very honest answers. I had to wake him up a few times because he was falling asleep while I was asking, but at least I have more info now. 
He admitted that a decent portion of the time he doesn't initiate or rejects me is because he doesn't feel good about himself (specifically his physical self image and ability to perform). 
He also admitted that he likes me to be forward with my advances and not drop subtle hints (thanks anyway randomdude) this helps him and doesn't make him feel pressured. 

After reading countless threads on here for hours I decided to take someone's advice, I don't remember who now, all of these personal shared stories become a blur when you're reading them late at night crying, about coming to a mutual agreement and understanding of frequency and then taking turns initiating. He agreed to this, we will see how it works. 

Sometimes reading opinions on here makes me feel like I've caused too much damage to have a healthy intimate side of our relationship. Someone told me to back off, that he knows there's no chase because I'm always wanting him and that made me lose hope. But after speaking to H, this is not the case. To him, it's a good thing that I'm always wanting and willing and ready. I assume it helps his confidence although he's still self-restrained. 

All in all, I guess this boils down to his self confidence. And he said there's nothing I can do to help. I already verbally affirm him each day that he is the hottest man to me, and much more. 
So, do any other men out there turn down their women because of how they feel about themselves? Even when their women tell them and show them otherwise? What do you wish your women would do or say to facilitate this process of building self confidence? 

Men: if this scenario rings familiar, please be honest with your partner. Do not lock yourself away and hide from the truth. Her mind will wander and manufacture deas much worse than the truth. I have been beating myself up for two years about if I look good enough, if I'm crazy enough in bed, even considered meds for lowering my libido. It was all wasted efforts and wasted emotion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Most of the time on here I read about men wishing their wives would initiate more. xxxgirlxxx I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You sound very upset and this issue is driving you crazy. In my twenties I did come across guys who did not think sex was all that important. Could be your H is just one of those guys. I on the other hand am in the exact opposite situation as my wife is just not all that sexual toward me. I was like you and could have had sex once or twice a day but had never met a woman who wanted that so assumed that's just the way it was. It isn't. I don't think your husband will ever change. Okay there may be a small chance. Read some of the posts from women who have been in your shoes for 10 to 20 to 30 years. It just doesn't sound worth it to sacrifice a part of yourself for so long. I know that if things do not change for the better for me in my marriage ( I have given it a year since joining,) that I am going to have to leave my marriage for my own sanity and to make my own needs a priority. And you? What is your plan? IF things don't improve in a year or two then what?


----------



## ffp20 (Nov 13, 2011)

I stopped initiating after years of constant rejection. The pain was just unbearable. Now im doing the MAP and read NMMNG. We'll see how it goes.


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Will he at least agree to sex every weekend? And then hopefully once during the week? Trying a schedule to be fair to you both. 
Doesn't going solo take away some of your drive? 
I suppose you've tried cutting him off? Telling him that you are not in the mood?


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, good thing we aren't married because we'd probably never leave the bedroom... (j/k).

I have a high drive myself and can't relate to your husband. But from what it sounds like, maybe he sometimes thinks of you more as a motherly figure than a wife? Consider this from someone who has no psych background, but if he likes to cuddle with you every night, that almost sounds like a child trying to be close to his mother. Do you ever get the impression that he likes to be mothered by you at all?


----------



## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

Dh and I had/have similar issues. It's gotten better since I've backed off and don't initiate very often anymore. I also don't focus as much on pleasing him as I used too. Dh loves oral but doesn't orgasm from it. I used to spend 20-30 mins giving him oral in different positions...deep throating etc. Now I spend less than half that time and sometimes even less. I love to do it but it seems like the more aggressive and giving I am the less appreciative and giving he becomes. Masturbation is my friend at times. If I want sex and I'm approaching him and he is less than enthusiastic about I don't pursue. I don't get angry anymore or waste my breath telling him about my hurt feelings. I just take the edge off and don't give him any for a while. We still have issues and I know we're still dysfunctional but I don't know how else aside from breaking up to deal with this. Our sex life is more frequent and he has become more giving during sex...doesn't take it for granted that he can get it whenever/however he wants anymore. Am I completely happy? No. I would like more variety...I'm just kind of kinky a freak really and he is vanilla. What can I do? I didn't think about this before we got married and it's not a deal breaker. So I'm stuck.


----------



## xxxgirlxxx (Oct 4, 2012)

I can't believe it's almost been a year since I've checked this website. I felt guilty like I was obsessing over sex too much and sort of forgot about this place. Things with me are pretty much exactly the same. I am still the aggressor/initiator and he is still the receiver. He is more willing to try new things in bed now, but he still will not initiate. He told me tonight this is just who he is and he is not the man I want him to be and nothing will ever be enough for me. This hurts so much!! All because I ask he be a little more aggressive once in a while or he initiates once in a while. I don't understand. He says he is incredibly attracted to me and has zero problem of arousal , but he will never ever start it. He will watch tv with me or cuddle in bed until he falls asleep instead of touching me or coming after me. He will not compromise or change because this is 'who he is'. So I just have to accept that for the rest of my life if I want sex, I have to start it and do all of the work? How is that fair?? How can I change the way he views this situation. I see this as a behavior, not what defines him. I feel much less attractive because his lack of initiation makes me feel he doesn't want me, I don't stun him, I WANT him to find me irresistible. Like the I want her so bad kind of irresistible. I don't always want to blow his mind without the reciprocation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

To the OP, I'm in the exact same boat as you. I'm not sure there's anything we can do about it either 

My husband goes out of his way to avoid having sex too. Very very rarely initiates and if I don't initiate, we'd never have sex. I've cried, begged, pleaded, listened, talked...we've agreed, negotiated but absolutely nothing has changed. He's just not a sexual person.

He too tells me that I need to let him know when I'm horny or want sex. I can't make him understand that I want him to want me. Sometimes, I'd just like him to approach me and want to have sex.

On the rare occasions he has initiated, even though I might've been tired or whatever I feel like I have to say yes because I never know when the next time will be - it could be weeks!

Most of the time I just live with it, but there are times that I get very resentful and angry - he's basically put the kaboosh on a big part of our relationship, and I'm just supposed to deal with it. Grrrrr.

I almost see it as a betrayal of our vows.


----------



## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

What do you do to tease him?


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

XGirl,
How often do you initiate?
How often does he respond and have sex?
How easily does he get hard?
When he gets turned on does he touch you give you foreplay? 
Or does he just let you get him hard and then have intercourse?

A healthy man in his twenties who is only willing to say 'yes' 1-2 times a month is not attracted to you. He might love you. But he isn't attracted to you. 

And if he was like this after the first month, it will not get better. It will slowly get worse. 


QUOTE=xxxgirlxxx;4645393]I can't believe it's almost been a year since I've checked this website. I felt guilty like I was obsessing over sex too much and sort of forgot about this place. Things with me are pretty much exactly the same. I am still the aggressor/initiator and he is still the receiver. He is more willing to try new things in bed now, but he still will not initiate. He told me tonight this is just who he is and he is not the man I want him to be and nothing will ever be enough for me. This hurts so much!! All because I ask he be a little more aggressive once in a while or he initiates once in a while. I don't understand. He says he is incredibly attracted to me and has zero problem of arousal , but he will never ever start it. He will watch tv with me or cuddle in bed until he falls asleep instead of touching me or coming after me. He will not compromise or change because this is 'who he is'. So I just have to accept that for the rest of my life if I want sex, I have to start it and do all of the work? How is that fair?? How can I change the way he views this situation. I see this as a behavior, not what defines him. I feel much less attractive because his lack of initiation makes me feel he doesn't want me, I don't stun him, I WANT him to find me irresistible. Like the I want her so bad kind of irresistible. I don't always want to blow his mind without the reciprocation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Leave him now! Don't spend 20 years wishing he was different, trying to make yourself happy with what you've got, trying to fool yourself into thinking this is okay that you can live with it. Leave now, make plans now. Don't wait till your in your 50's and have missed out on all of what you wanted. Leave now!


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Some men just aren't that sexual, the same way that some women just aren't that sexual. Unfortunately, you can rarely change this dynamic in another person.


----------



## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

I haven't read every post on this thread so I apologize if this was addressed. Perhaps he has ED or just has a low drive. Not sure of his age, but that isn't always a determining factor in low testosterone levels. Tell him to for a full check up at the doctor and get blood work done to see.


----------



## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

What kind of birth control do you use? Becoming a father for the first time can make a man paranoid about a repeat offense.


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Some men just aren't that sexual, the same way that some women just aren't that sexual. Unfortunately, you can rarely change this dynamic in another person.


Agreed. There isn't likely a fixable cause. It is just not a good sexual match. You cant change a dynamic with only one person. Two people have to be willing to work and change. What is the motivation for the lower drive person to change? He higher drive person is not going to leave and the lower drive person has things the way that suits them. No catalyst for change.


----------



## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

xxxgirlxxx said:


> I am a woman posting here for advice or coping ideas.
> I am in a healthy strong relationship, this is our 3rd year and we have a small baby. (Our history goes back farther because we actually started dating in middle school, on and off through high school, we apart for a few years and now are back together. We are in our mid twenties.) I am posting this thread here in the men section because I have found that women jump to the worst conclusions possible and do not understand men. In a women's world, if a man is not putting out, he's cheating or addicted to porn. And this is not the case in every situation. Certainly not in mine.
> 
> I have a very high sex drive, very little time passes in-between my sexual thoughts and desires. I am so attracted to my partner, he is the only one I desire. To put it bluntly, the second I see him, hear his voice, or even just think about him, I am ready to go. My issue is that he doesn't seem to reciprocate this. He is very loving and verbally reaffirming, but I don't see it in his actions. We make wonderful love, but it feels like a battle to get him to actually do it. I initiate probably %90 of the time and this makes me feel unattractive and undesirable (although I am attractive). He rejects me often claiming to be tired and this hurts my feelings so much. I can respect that he is tired from working, but if he stays up late to work on other projects and is focusing his energy elsewhere, this doesn't hold water with me because it makes me wonder why isn't he extending that energy to me?
> ...


I so know how you feel. Wish I could give some kind of advise but I have none. I've been married 20 years and when I think things are getting better WHAM, I'm back to square one. I can accept it or leave. I'm still here.


----------



## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

xxxgirlxxx said:


> I can't believe it's almost been a year since I've checked this website. I felt guilty like I was obsessing over sex too much and sort of forgot about this place. *Don't. I felt the same way in my marriage but sex is one of the most important aspects of marriage. Sex may not be everything, but it's probably one of the top three most important aspects in marriage. Without it you're basically friends that live together and share a bed. Anyone who tells you otherwise or makes you feel otherwise is full of you-know-what.*
> 
> Things with me are pretty much exactly the same. I am still the aggressor/initiator and he is still the receiver. He is more willing to try new things in bed now, but he still will not initiate. He told me tonight this is just who he is and he is not the man I want him to be and nothing will ever be enough for me. This hurts so much!! All because I ask he be a little more aggressive once in a while or he initiates once in a while. I don't understand. He says he is incredibly attracted to me and has zero problem of arousal , but he will never ever start it. *He may be but what do his ACTIONS tell you. My wife tells me the same thing, but her actions are the complete opposite. I had to ask for any type of physical intimacy or touch or else she wouldn't give it. I smartened up a few months ago and now I don't even bother. If she's noticed she hasn't said anything.*
> 
> ...


You're story seems very similar to mine except maybe your husband is a little kinder than my STXW. For many years I'd talk to her about lack of sex and she'd respond with the "I never said I didn't want it," but when it came time to put words into action all I'd hear is "not tonight," "tomorrow," or "are you kidding (usually when watching her shows)?" I called her on it a few times and it usually just sent her into a rage that I didn't believe her. About a month ago I just finally checked out and this past week I moved out of the bedroom (without incident for anyone who has followed my other post). All this boiled down to lack of sex and affection. Can't wait until next summer...


----------



## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Leave him now!...Leave now!


I think you've touched a nerve here! And you're very fortunate to get such a genuine response, instead of having your posts be ignored.

But I wanted to temper it just a bit by asking whether your frame of mind when you're posting is representative of the situation overall? Or, are you in a "ready to put your fist through a wall" frustrated feeling when you go ahead and write?

The best advice I can offer is to think about your choices like this: There is usually a "fear" choice and a "growth" choice. The fear choice might be staying in your marriage, because you're afraid to make a change. Or the fear choice might be quitting. The growth choice might be moving on to a better life. Or it might be finding a way to make you marriage grow. Only you can say, and unless I had a much more complete picture, I'd hesitate to even advise you.

I will say that except for once last month when I was getting a really nasty influenza, but I didn't want to tell my wife, cause I never want to miss a chance for sex, I've never had trouble in the erection department, nor been "too tired" for sex. I couldn't possibly understand "too tired," when someone isn't too tired for other things. Still, if something inside you "knows" there's a root cause that you can get at and work through, I sure wouldn't say give up. (Nope, you have to reach the conclusion yourself, I can't give you the answer.)


----------

