# No affection - so lonely. Advice?



## Martian (May 17, 2012)

Hi all,

This is my first post here. I am looking for some advice or opinions. I have been together with my wife for almost 14 years (currently in my early 30's) and we've been married for 8.

We currently have 2 children - 1 in elementary school and one is who is almost 1 year old.

For the past 5+ years, we have had our share of arguments but they always work themselves out. However, during those 5+ years there has been no affection from my wife. She has not kissed me, hugged me, or told me that's she loves me unless it's in return to me saying it.

I have brought this up to her many times and I am met with silence. Needless to say, sex is almost non existent - 2 or 3 times a year, maximum - and it has to be initiated by me.

It wasn't always this way. From what I can recall, it seems to have started after the birth of our first child. I'm sure there was some postpartum depression and self consciousness about her body/weight.

For several years I continued to tell her how good she looks, what a good mom she was, surprised her with gifts and anything else I could think of to help boost her self esteem.

The problem has been that her constant lack of affection (and what I feel is some form of depression) has caused me to no longer want to be a part of this relationship.

We live in a nice house, have beautiful kids, do not have money problems, so there are no outside factors I can think of. I do not suspect any type of affair going on with her and someone else.

The problem I'm faced with is that I am a working dad, while she is a stay-at-home mom (by her own choice). I'm afraid that if we do separate and eventually divorce, that I will be absolutely cleaned out and therefore not be able to give my kids the type of life they deserve and also place myself in a bad situation financially.

So I guess my question is - Is it worth sticking with it, knowing that I will never receive any type of affection, or should I bite the bullet and move on?

Anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Also worth noting is that I have been to see a professional to discuss this, however my wife does not wish to go.

Thanks,

-Martian


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Martian,

Since your wife has no intetest in solving this problem or even trying, I would instruct her to start looking into daycare coverage for your children since she will have to get a job to help support herself after the divorce. 

What your wife is doing is cruel. Sex is part of the marriage contract and she's not honoring her commitment.

I would tell her just once that she needs to get evaluated by a mental health professional to see if she's suffering from depression or any other mental illness. If she refuses, I think you have your answer.

Why would you stay with someone who (as of now) clearly demonstrates that they don't love you? Please don't say it's for the kids. Is this what you want them learn as a model of what marriage should be?


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

You're married 8 yrs. In many jurisdictions once you hit 10 years the marriage is considered long term and spousal support payments can be permanent. 

Divorce will be a big financial hit but you won't walk away empty handed, she'll probably get a percentage of your income in spousal support for say, 5 years, and child support based on a formula until your kids are old enough to be emancipated. Roughly half the marital assets will be yours.

Yes it's going to be expensive but that's no reason to stay in a miserable relationship.

Cut the cord now, before it gets even more expensive. 5 years from now you could be looking at the end of your support obligation, getting regular sex and affection from someone new, patting yourself on the back for moving on with your life OR you could be even deeper in the hole, 10 years without sex and affection and looking at perhaps a lifetime spousal support obligation.

I know what I'd do.

Wait, I already did it.

It's not an easy ride but you get through it.


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## Martian (May 17, 2012)

Thank you for your advice - both of you. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.

I think I just need to not focus on the things I may lose - since they are just "things".

I need to focus on the well-being of me and my kids.

And the hard part begins...

-M


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## Martian (May 17, 2012)

Well, here it is almost a year later.

Just to show how tough a decision this has been, after 12 months of trying to work things out, discuss feelings, etc... We are no better off than we were when I made my original post.

I have since been to see a lawyer and I know what options are available to me.

Things have now been complicated as my wife suffered from a grand mal seizure in early December. She is taking medication to control the seizures, but still experiences hallucinations - both visual and auditory.

She is due in for an MRI this week and then an extended EEG to try and map the seizures to figure out if it is something that can be operated on or if it will require lifetime medication.

As I said, things never got better and pile this on top and (understandably) this is all that is on her mind, not how to work on our marriage. Honestly though, even before all of this there wasn't much dedication on her part to work on the things we talked about.

It's now painfully obvious to me that separation is inevitable. I have explained to my wife that I don't want a divorce, but I just can't be in the same house any more.

I would never kick her out or leave her in a bad situation (health problems or not) and I explained that I would be fine with a permanent separation so that she would have health coverage until she was able to find a job and support herself.

I have been to see a lawyer and I have been advised on what needs to be done as far as a post-separation agreement. The lawyer has explained that terms regarding alimony, child support, custody, as well as making those terms hold true in the event of a divorce can all be written into the PSA and will hold up in court once signed and notarized.

Alimony in my state doesn't last more than 5 years and child support would not be an issue since due to my wife's health, the children would more than likely be in my custody (not that I'd ever deny her rights to see them or spend time with them).

I have a soon to be 9 year old and a soon to be 2 year old. With my wife's present condition, she's in no condition to be left alone with the kids. She's constantly depressed, has hallucinations and cannot drive (court and doctor ordered by law). Given all of that, for the safety of the children first, I can't in good concience leave them with her.

I am however a working dad and thankfully I work from home, so I am able to keep an eye on things and help where ever it is needed.

My questions now are for those of you who have separated and been through this (or are about to, or are just smarter than me and can offer advice):

1. Did you move out or did your (unsupportive) spouse?
2. Did you opt for a permanent separation or did you divorce after 1 year (or the time limit per the state you live in)?

It sounds cold, harsh to even be thinking about this while she's going through this. However, our marriage problems didn't just start yesterday.

I guess I'm just kind of at a point where I'm ready to get on with my life and could use a little advice, knowledge or anything else those of you who have experience and are wiser than me may have.

Thanks, and sorry if my post is kind of all over the place.

Struggling a bit.

-M


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Martian said:


> Alimony in my state doesn't last more than 5 years


Most states don't have specific laws as to duration of alimony, its more like "guidelines that the courts may or may not follow".

If it's 5 years tops in your state and the courts have no jurisdiction to change it, then consider yourself lucky, that's an exception not the rule.



Martian said:


> She's constantly depressed, has hallucinations and cannot drive (court and doctor ordered by law).


In many states, that sort of disability which may last a lifetime can make the exspouse liable for lifetime support plus payment of noncovered medical bills, but I assume you discussed this with your attorney and were advised this will not be an issue?



Martian said:


> 1. Did you move out or did your (unsupportive) spouse?
> 2. Did you opt for a permanent separation or did you divorce after 1 year (or the time limit per the state you live in)?


I moved out. We started divorce proceedings almost immediately, even though we lived in what was at that time a "fault state", and we used the grounds of constructive abandonment so we didn't have to wait for a one year separation.


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## Martian (May 17, 2012)

northland said:


> Most states don't have specific laws as to duration of alimony, its more like "guidelines that the courts may or may not follow".
> 
> If it's 5 years tops in your state and the courts have no jurisdiction to change it, then consider yourself lucky, that's an exception not the rule.
> 
> In many states, that sort of disability which may last a lifetime can make the exspouse liable for lifetime support plus payment of noncovered medical bills, but I assume you discussed this with your attorney and were advised this will not be an issue?


Thankfully, this is all written into the post separation agreement, and in the event of her requesting divorce after a year of separation or me requesting divorce after 5 years of separation, I can't be held responsible for health coverage for her (kids would be full time of course)



> I moved out. We started divorce proceedings almost immediately, even though we lived in what was at that time a "fault state", and we used the grounds of constructive abandonment so we didn't have to wait for a one year separation.


I see. Here I need to be separated for a year before divorce, but as I said, I'm in no immediate hurry for a divorce. I don't have anything or anyone waiting on the side - just (hopefully) a happier life and 2 awesome kids.

My problem is pulling the trigger on moving out. I would have to maintain the bills on 2 different houses for a year, but also have to go through the process of house searching again (we just moved and built a house 3 years ago) and then also have to make sure I find good day care or someone who can watch my 2 year old at our house while I'm working. :scratchhead:


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## Martian (May 17, 2012)

So today we had it out and my wife left to go for a drive. That was about 4 hours ago.

She hasn't said whether or not she's coming back. I think she'll be back, but I think it's over now - or darn close to it.

I have a couple of options available to me. I have an inheritance that's being withheld (specifically because of this situation) that will allow me to buy a house outright for around 100k. It's obviously not going to be anything nearly as nice as what I have now, but I know I can fix it up and make it nice and cozy.

I could also move in with family, but that would mean moving about 400 miles (2 states) away. I can't say I'm thrilled with the prospect of being that far away from my kids.

I could use that money and get a house for her to move into and I would stay at our current house. I would take care of her bills until she finds a job and can afford to support herself.

To sum up, this sucks.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Why not sell the house and split assets 50/50 at least you will have some more $.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Martian said:


> So today we had it out and my wife left to go for a drive. That was about 4 hours ago.
> 
> She hasn't said whether or not she's coming back. I think she'll be back, but I think it's over now - or darn close to it.
> 
> ...


Martian, its good that you have options. Do the right thing for YOURSELF. Take care of YOU for once. You can have a future with someone who will show you how much they love you and appreciate you. You have put a lot of time and effort into this, and it just isnt giving you what you need. Best of luck to you.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I too think it's good that you options.

Good for you taking care of your needs.

I wish you well.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Started reading your thread, and felt a "don't become me" coming on. But, I see you are already taking the difficult steps you need to save your health and happiness. 

I admire your courage.


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