# What do I do when my parents badmouth my fiance?



## starsandrocketsgrl12

Sorry about this being a very long post. 

My fiance and I are happily in love. I know that he is not perfect, but I love him anyway and think that he is the most wonderful person ever. He always cares about me and helps me out when needed. He also tells me how pretty I am everyday and appreciates me for who I am. 

I am an only child and my parents and I have always been close. However, my mom has always found someway to control me through her emotions to get me to do whatever she wants. My parents have also always discouraged me to voice my opinion and to stand up to them. So it is hard for me to confront them about anything without getting threatened with a spanking . 

My fiance and I have known each other for 5 years. We met in college and we dated for about 6 months before we broke up because we weren't spending as much time together due to our busy schedules. We started talking again about two years ago and we have been in love ever since. 

However, my parents always have something negative to say about my fiance. They always make fun of his weight and tell me behind his back that he needs to lose weight. My fiance is not Brad Pitt, but I love him the way he is and I think that he's very good looking. 

When we got back together, I invited him on an outing with my family one weekend. I thought he was being really nice to them. He always told them that if they needed help to ask him. He helped with a few things. He even was social and talked to my parents the whole time. But, the morning we were going to leave from the outing, my fiance (then boyfriend) got sick. He was feeling nauseated. My family cooked breakfast and they made the eggs the way he liked them. However, my family cooks big meals and we only had smaller plates and the pancakes were almost the size of the plates. So my fiance tried to eat his breakfast, but he was too sick to finish the rest. I could tell that he was sick because he was very pale. My parents have the nerve to tell me later that it made them mad that he didn't eat the eggs because they made it his way. He would have eaten them if he hadn't got sick. 

Then, when we got engaged, my mom said that I should have it in my hometown because it is tradition and that she wants everyone to be there that I know. My fiance is from a different town and he told me that I should have it wherever I want. His only request is that his grandma, who had a stroke and is unable to travel a far distance, will be there. My mom gets this idea in her head that my fiance is trying to control the wedding and have it his way. Then both of my parents says that he has to deal with it and that the groom has to do things that he doesn't want to at his own wedding. We are having to put off the wedding because of this crap and that we are trying to get more money to pay for our own wedding. 

Also, when my grandpa was sick and dying, my fiance was gracious enough to give up a family vacation, and mind you, this is one of the few times he gets to see his own family, to spend it consoling my family and I. He even cooked dinner for my family two nights and helped my family out in anyway possible. Yet they continue to badmouth him and call him a baby and say that it's time for him to grow up. He had also been sick this year and needed surgery. When I told my mom that he had to miss work because he was in pain, she told me that he has to suck it up and move on. She acted like he was trying to lay out of work and be a baby, when clearly he had to be on pain pills. When we visited my family for my birthday, they ignored him the entire weekend and hardly said a word to him for no reason. I even talked about how wonderful he was and my mom told me "You won't think that when your older". 

The thing is that they say that between him and I, it's his way or the highway. This is not the case. He always asks my input on everything. He wants me to be happy and to stand up for what I want. He accepts every decision I make, even if he doesn't agree with it. 

Then, I decided to move in with my fiance because I was tired of being apart from him. I love him so much and I know in my heart that he is the right person for me. It has hurt my parents to say the least to have their girl out of the house. They always complain about not seeing me enough when I go home to see them at least once a month. My fiance's family also invited me to have Thanksgiving dinner at their home this year. We were thinking about going to my fiance's parent's home Thanksgiving day and then going to see my parents the day after and the rest of that weekend. I tell my mom about this possible (not definite) plan and she gets all mad at me and makes me feel like the worst daughter alive saying that she thought that I wanted to be with my family for the first Thanksgiving without my grandpa. Of course, since she made me feel bad, I scrapped the plan to spend Thanksgiving with my fiance. We are now going to spend Thanksgiving separately. Then my mom says that she hasn't spent any time with me alone in the longest time. The last time I came home was a month ago and I was then forced to stay a week. Yet my family has made no effort whatsoever to visit me, even though I have invited them numerous times. 

I am getting tired of dealing with this. I am scared that this drama is going to tear my fiance and I apart. I am getting sick of my parents always making me choose between them and him. I am getting sick of them saying mean things about him when clearly, he doesn't deserve any of it. And I just want to everyone to get along. What should I do?


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## OldTex

A parent's love for their child is very strong, even more so will you are an only child. Your parent's feel they are losing their baby girl. I feel you and your fiance have done everyting you can to make them see that this isn't the case. You are completly right. This will tear you fourtue apart. If you let it. I would explain to your Mother and Father that you love them both and will always love them no matter what. But, let them know you are going to marry your fiance no matter what. And if they keep this up the wedding will be in His hometown and they will have to travel there. Your parents need to let go. You are not a child anymore. If you truly love your fiance and it sounds as it you both do. You must take a stand now. Let them know you will no longer put up with their cruel remarks. Hope this helps Good Luck and God bless


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## chefmaster

OldTex said:


> A parent's love for their child is very strong, even more so will you are an only child. Your parent's feel they are losing their baby girl. I feel you and your fiance have done everyting you can to make them see that this isn't the case. You are completly right. This will tear you fourtue apart. If you let it. I would explain to your Mother and Father that you love them both and will always love them no matter what. But, let them know you are going to marry your fiance no matter what. And if they keep this up the wedding will be in His hometown and they will have to travel there. Your parents need to let go. You are not a child anymore. If you truly love your fiance and it sounds as it you both do. You must take a stand now. Let them know you will no longer put up with their cruel remarks. Hope this helps Good Luck and God bless


:iagree:


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## unbelievable

"therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother; and cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Gen 2:24 Not sure if y'all are religious or not, but this is good advise, never-the-less. A marriage is between two human beings, not even parents, best friends, neighbors, or co-workers are allowed inside.


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## SimplyAmorous

starsandrocketsgrl12 said:


> my mom has always found someway to control me through her emotions to get me to do whatever she wants. My parents have also always discouraged me to voice my opinion and to stand up to them. So it is hard for me to confront them about anything without getting threatened with a spanking .


 I am sure you do not mean a spanking NOW. This was manipulative parenting on your mothers part. There is such a book called Toxic parents. Here are some books on Amazon that might help you fully realize your parents were WRONG in how they delt with you all these years. Amazon.com: toxic parents

Sometimes when parents only have 1 child, they become heavily attached, the empty nest syndrome just about kills them. They can't let go, but this is their issue, not yours. 



starsandrocketsgrl12 said:


> my parents always have something negative to say about my fiance. They always make fun of his weight and tell me behind his back that he needs to lose weight. My fiance is not Brad Pitt, but I love him the way he is and I think that he's very good looking.
> 
> My parents have the nerve to tell me later that it made them mad that he didn't eat the eggs because they made it his way. He would have eaten them if he hadn't got sick.


 Your parents sound very judgemental and not considering of other people's feelings in any way. 



starsandrocketsgrl12 said:


> Then, when we got engaged, my mom said that I should have it in my hometown because it is tradition and that she wants everyone to be there that I know. My fiance is from a different town and he told me that I should have it wherever I want. His only request is that his grandma, who had a stroke and is unable to travel a far distance, will be there. My mom gets this idea in her head that my fiance is trying to control the wedding and have it his way. Then both of my parents says that he has to deal with it and that the groom has to do things that he doesn't want to at his own wedding. We are having to put off the wedding because of this crap and that we are trying to get more money to pay for our own wedding.


 Your fiance is RIGHT, he is being considerate of you, the Bride and your wishes ,your parents are still trying to CONTROL. DO NOT LET THEM, you will regret this. If you have to pay for your own Wedding to show them you are a Big girl and do NOT need their help, do this. They are trampling on your boundaries terribly as a grown woman who is leaving the Nest. 




starsandrocketsgrl12 said:


> Also, when my grandpa was sick and dying, my fiance was gracious enough to give up a family vacation, and mind you, this is one of the few times he gets to see his own family, to spend it consoling my family and I. He even cooked dinner for my family two nights and helped my family out in anyway possible. Yet they continue to badmouth him and call him a baby and say that it's time for him to grow up. He had also been sick this year and needed surgery. When I told my mom that he had to miss work because he was in pain, she told me that he has to suck it up and move on. She acted like he was trying to lay out of work and be a baby, when clearly he had to be on pain pills. When we visited my family for my birthday, they ignored him the entire weekend and hardly said a word to him for no reason. I even talked about how wonderful he was and my mom told me "You won't think that when your older".


Your mother is jealous that you love this man so much and he consumes your attention, sounds to me like , no matter who you brought home, the woman would be finding fault. I am surprised you have not ran away and eloped just to get away from their negativity. (I am not suggesting you do this at all !!)



starsandrocketsgrl12 said:


> The thing is that they say that between him and I, it's his way or the highway. This is not the case. He always asks my input on everything. He wants me to be happy and to stand up for what I want. He accepts every decision I make, even if he doesn't agree with it.


 Sounds like a very good man, your parents are doing anything to pull you away, because they KNOW he is teaching you -finally - to stand on your own 2 feet and make your own descions for your own life >>> Your mother's greatest fears !




starsandrocketsgrl12 said:


> It has hurt my parents to say the least to have their girl out of the house. They always complain about not seeing me enough when I go home to see them at least once a month.


More manipulation to get what they want. If they were more concerned with your happiness & asking how you are & not bringing it back to what you are "not" doing for them, you would be more anxious to see them & ENJOY their presence. 



starsandrocketsgrl12 said:


> My fiance's family also invited me to have Thanksgiving dinner at their home this year. We were thinking about going to my fiance's parent's home Thanksgiving day and then going to see my parents the day after and the rest of that weekend. I tell my mom about this possible (not definite) plan and she gets all mad at me and makes me feel like the worst daughter alive saying that she thought that I wanted to be with my family for the first Thanksgiving without my grandpa. Of course, since she made me feel bad, I scrapped the plan to spend Thanksgiving with my fiance. We are now going to spend Thanksgiving separately. Then my mom says that she hasn't spent any time with me alone in the longest time. The last time I came home was a month ago and I was then forced to stay a week. Yet my family has made no effort whatsoever to visit me, even though I have invited them numerous times.


 I do not think you should have scrapped your plans at all, you need to send a message to your parents that they NO LONGER can control you. If you want to be with his family on the day -BE WITH HIS FAMILY !!! ( I have 5 sons, I fully expect because I am a realistic woman that the majority of times my son's wives will get their way & want to spend the majority of holidays with HER family - but I will be so thankful when the wife allows & feels it is necessary to also spend time with the husband's family)

And offering to go to your family's house the day after is TOTALLY REASONABLE, in fact more so since you offered to spend the weekend !!!! If my parents were that manipulative saying I was the worst daughter for not coming on a certain day when I had offered what you had offered, I would skip going all together. When she throws it in your face about not coming to visit HER, you kindly reply that you have invited them a # of times. This should NOT be so easily overlooked. They are not playing their part in repecting your schedule & time , caring enough to come & see their own daughter, so how can they judge you?



starsandrocketsgrl12 said:


> I am getting tired of dealing with this. I am scared that this drama is going to tear my fiance and I apart. I am getting sick of my parents always making me choose between them and him. I am getting sick of them saying mean things about him when clearly, he doesn't deserve any of it. And I just want to everyone to get along. What should I do?


 If you LET your parents dictate your life and pull away from this man you love, you will only have yourself to blame. Listen to him, he cares about you, he cares about what YOU want, he also has been kind enough to help your parents when in need, even when they speak ill of him behind his back. 

This is ALL about BOUNDARIES IN relationshiips, I love offering book suggestions, so excuse me, but if you read this book >>>

Amazon.com: Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life (9780310585909): Henry Cloud, John Townsend: Books and followed the advice within with your parents , their way of treating you will STOP. YOu will make them mad, this is assured, but they need to realize you will no longer allow them to trample on your boundaries , for your own happiness and well being. 

You are an only child, they will NOT shut you out of their life. Trust me, that would hurt them too much. They may get very mad for a time, but I seriously doubt it would last forever, and if so --- which would you choose - to please them or the man you plan to marry & start a family with. ???


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## starsandrocketsgrl12

Thank you so much for your answers thus far. I have even thought about reading those books. I came across the Toxic parenting book when I did a Google search about controlling parents. It looks like it has received some great reviews on Amazon. 

My parents have also been judgmental and mean to me as well throughout my life. I remember as a young kid I was emotionally manipulated into bringing a friend with me on an outing, I didn't have many friends because of social anxiety issues and I eventually ended up inviting my cousin to go with me. However, she called and said that she couldn't come because she had to teach a Sunday school class. When I told my parents, they got all angry at me and called me a "snob" and that I was a lazy slob. If I were lazy, my room would not have stayed so clean and I would not have done the dishes for the everyday. 

They have also said some mean things about my weight growing up. I was only just a little chunky through my childhood and they constantly made me feel bad about my appearance and even told me once that I needed a makeover. I lost 30 lbs about 2 years ago and I worry about my weight constantly. My worry has made me put almost all of it back on. It is a wonder that I don't have an eating disorder by now. They even scrutinize my appearance to this day. I was with my family recently and my mom told me that I needed to do something about my acne and that I need to do something about my hair because it looked bad. I am worried that they are going to talk crap about my weight when they see me soon. 

And when I visited them for my birthday because they wouldn't come visit me, we pretty much did whatever my parents wanted to do. They didn't ask me what I wanted to do at all since it was my birthday. I had to suck it up and not show them how much they hurt me and more importantly how hurt I was they were treating my fiance this way. When I am with his parents, they treat me like I'm their child. They always include me in everything. I just hate that my own parents don't have the courtesy to treat him with respect.

The funny thing is, my grandmother, who is supposed to be the overly judgmental one in the family, really likes my fiance. She always asks about him and they get along well. 

I am hurting right now so badly and I think that I need help before I move on with my life.


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## SimplyAmorous

If you enjoy reading, at least buy the "Boundaries" book, it is a Christian based book but even if you are not one, it makes no difference. Same principles apply. 

I am an OBSESSIVE reader, have a literal library in every room of my house, and in all honesty, this ONE book I am recommending , I feel , is the BEST I have ever read in my life. I lent the darn thing out & never got it back. 

I didn't so much have trouble with my parents, but had some issues with some girlfriends who were a tad manipulative, expecting a little more from me than I was comfortable with, I didn't like saying NO at times, thought this was "bad" "not nice" somehow, once I read this book, it was like the SKY was opened to how this was about THEM , and not me, that I had every right in this world to SAY NO - and do it confidently before them or others who trample on "our" personal boundaries. 

BUY It TODAY and have your sky opened up.

My only question to you is this >>> How dependent are you on your parents, do you NEED their financial support right now - college, etc? That kinda puts a monkey wrench into things I suppose.


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## starsandrocketsgrl12

I pay my own bills at the moment. I have finished college and I am basically out on my own.


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## SimplyAmorous

Thankfully, you are not dependent on them! 

So what are your fears? Are you afraid your parents will disown you ? Have you EVER in your entire life stood up to them? If so, how did they re-act.


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## starsandrocketsgrl12

I am mainly scared that they will disown me. I am scared that they won't talk to me for awhile and I am not used to them not talking to me everyday. And I have tried to stand up to them and they have made me the bad guy. And I hate being yelled at for some reason. I am so sick of their crap nowadays though that I am starting to not care what happens if I tell them the way it is. I am at times unhappy about it. I feel like I still live under a microscope even though I live a good distance from home. I am so sick of not being able to have the freedom I deserve.

I have to mention that I had to call in dinner the other night for my mom. That brought me to my breaking point.


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## SimplyAmorous

starsandrocketsgrl12 said:


> I have to mention that I had to call in dinner the other night for my mom. That brought me to my breaking point.


I am not sure what this sentence means exactly. 

You will have to overcome your fears in relation to your parents and be willing to stand up for yourself COMPLETELY and UTTERLY *regardless* of their reaction(s). Until you come to this place , being able to do this with your head standing tall, you will continue to struggle. 

Get your fiance behind you, have other people in your life to stand with you, and refuse to be belittled, hammered, put down any more. When/if they re-act like this, calmly let them know they are dissapointing you and you wish the best for your relationship with them but you simply "disagree" and have no respect for how they belittle others that you care about. 

They will NEVER change unless YOU change your ways of dealing with them. You have to be willing to "loose" them to infact "win them" to understanding you are now a grown woman who can make her own life decisions. 

Buy the book today, it will help clarify all of this.


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## starsandrocketsgrl12

_I have to mention that I had to call in dinner the other night for my mom. That brought me to my breaking point. 
_

That means that my mom made me order her dinner via phone for her because she says that she can't understand what the person taking the calls says. I had to do this 300 miles away from home!

But I do need to stand up to them once and for all. Maybe it would do me some good. :iagree:


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## starsandrocketsgrl12

I am looking to buy both of the books from Amazon as well soon


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## SimplyAmorous

starsandrocketsgrl12 said:


> That means that my mom made me order her dinner via phone for her because she says that she can't understand what the person taking the calls says. I had to do this 300 miles away from home!


Doesn't your mother have friends , or your dad or other people in her immediate life to do something like this? I would never ask a child this far away to do something this "mundane". Probably an excuse to get you to be involved somehow, a connection that you are still very much under her thumb. 

I understand this might be difficult to say No, and she might keep trying to "MAKE YOU" do things like this. But there will come a fine line where you will say to yourself "This is going TOO far, she has other ways of dealing with this and does NOT need ME to do it ". She is almost acting like a child so you will baby her now. People without the understanding of boundaries -- will usually try all kinds of tactics to keep you reeled in.


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## starsandrocketsgrl12

SimplyAmorous said:


> Doesn't your mother have friends , or your dad or other people in her immediate life to do something like this? I would never ask a child this far away to do something this "mundane". Probably an excuse to get you to be involved somehow, a connection that you are still very much under her thumb.


This is the drawing point for me. I feel like I am being treated like a dog by her sometimes. One time, at a baby shower, she spilled something on the host's carpet and she made me get on my hands and knees in front of everyone and scrub it out of the floor. She claimed that it hurt too much for her to do it herself. That ha d to be the most embarrassing and degrading moment I have ever experienced When I have refused to do things for her like this in the past, she would call me "lazy" and "rude". I question whether she abuses me or not at times. 

The funniest thing is that she accuses her mom (my grandma) of doing the very same thing as she is doing to me and yet she says that that she never treats me this way. When my fiance heard this, he almost laughed in her face. I now realize more than ever that if I let this continue, she is going to make me give up my own life for her. No wonder I haven't been happy with my life this whole time. 



SimplyAmorous said:


> I am sure you do not mean a spanking NOW.


They always boastfully declare that even when I am 40 and I deserve it, they will try to spank me. I would honestly see if they would actually do it though. 



I am going to order those book from Amazon and read them because I need to put my foot down NOW, even if I risk them not talking to me for awhile.


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## starsandrocketsgrl12

Thanks for being a huge help BTW. I am grateful that you have taken the time to listen to me and made me realize that my relationship with my family needs boundaries.


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## F-102

Read your other post to ML, and, even though I hate this term, YOU GO GIRL!!!
My parents, too, are very judgemental and always seem to have something bad to say about everyone, and then they don't even have the guts to say it to their face! They wait until the person is gone, then talk about them behind their back. I know that my W and they get along, but I strongly suspect that they badmouth her when she's not around.
I left home, joined the Army, and found my W that way, and even though we get along, I have to do it from a distance. I'll bet they wonder why I live furthest away from them of us three kids and I never call.
Though I sense that part of you is afraid for the future, i.e., things between you and fiancee NOT working out, then years of the "I told you so" attitude from mom and pop, I would say, there is no law that says you have to live the rest of your life just to please people who treat you this way.

Stay strong and good luck!


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## SimplyAmorous

starsandrocketsgrl12 said:


> Thanks for being a huge help BTW. I am grateful that you have taken the time to listen to me and made me realize that my relationship with my family needs boundaries.


You are so welcome! No matter who it is in our life, we need healthy boundaries. Making sure we do things because we truly "want" to do them, or doing them out of love, not someone else's sense of control or manipulation or shaming. This IS NEVER right. The majority of people in this world only half pick up on these lessons, but oh what Life saving lessons they are !! They give such freedom from "underserved" guilt once you come to know them, recognize when others are doing this.

I have not had issues with my own parents being too controlling, but I have had rediculous issues with some other relatives trying to control how, where, what I did with my own Mother, because they did not "agree" or feel I was loving enough. When my own Mother was just "fine" with me. 

You simply can not please everyone. But you can have peace with yourself -without their stamp of approval.


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## starsandrocketsgrl12

I just want to say that I love my parents dearly. They have truly been there for everything that I have done. I am just getting tired of their controlling nature. They need to let go and give me the space that I need. After all, as they say, "absence makes the heart grow fonder".


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## SUZIWORD

OMG! I can only agree with everything they have told you....read and read and pray and pray! I am 47 years old and have just realized how manipulated my mother has been my entire life. I have been married 3 times and almost divorced my last husband b/c of her ways. I have learned that I can not tell her ANYTHING! If something is bothering me I have to tell someone else (a close friend or something) b/c she will run with it on my new husband. I have been told by her that he is controlling, mean, she thinks he has a "darkside", abusive, the only reason he married me is to be a mom for his two kids. I could go on and on. It is like literally the blinders have been removed from my eyes! My mom and I have always been close (or so I thought), but I look back and it was like she made it to were i thought I needed her and could not make it without her. There is more, but trust me grow a spine girl if you don't now you will regret it b/c it will never go away! It hurts bad b/c she has refused to forgive my husband so he is not allowed over there and I can come but by myself. RUN!!!!!!!!


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## Givingtree1953

Wow! I've read, and read, and read ... I'm so sorry for you for more reasons than one! It appears that your parents have done a wonderful job creating a cripped adult! You are so consumed with what that think, what they say, and how they feel that I have no idea who YOU are! If you are as distraught about the impact of their behavior on your life, now is a great time to make a change! Having a fiance who loves you and is willing to stand beside you despite your parent's poor behavior is a fantastic clue as to what you should do ... MARRY HIM, MARRY HIM, MARRY HIM! After all, your parents did just that - marry one another! Let them start to nurture their relationship. Maybe you all can come through this as healthy adults anxiously looking forward to the new additions to your family ... you were an only child ~ it should be delightful for them to know they will now have a son. If not, move forward, dear heart. Your parents are quickly exhausting the loyalty you seem to feel they deserve. God Bless You in your efforts toward a happy future!


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## trying01

Wow, reading this I felt so many things. This is VERY similar treatment that I used to get regularly and still seldomly get from my parents. I am currently getting couseling for this and in my experience it's hard because not only are they so used to manipulating you, you're just as used to being manipulated. I don't know if this is what you're looking for but I thought I'd tell you what is working for me...

I didn't know what I wanted or who I truly was because I was so used to making sure everything was smooth, I was accomodating, making sure my parents and sister were happy and I wasn't. My husband is a lot of things and even though we're working out our relationship he's always on my side with my parents and sister. And they do the same thing as your family and constantly make comments at me about him because they know he won't stand for it - and lately I'm not either. I'm learning to address the question or comment only. They always talk about his good qualities and turn them, his working a lot, me not calling as often, etc. So if they say, "wow, your husband has been working a lot lately" I simply respond, "yes he is" and change the subject. If they continue saying , "so he's leaving you alone, doesn't care about you etc" I just say "hmm, well i don't feel that way". I don't give them any more info - no more excuses, no more explanations to them. I don't have to "answer" to them anymore and their comments are typically to get me all fired up so if I don't let that happen - they don't have ammunition against him... 

I do not call them daily anymore, I call them if there's a reason to call. I have something to tell them, not because I feel like I *should* or because they want me to. I also don't take every call they make to me. 

I do still have this guilt I am working through and this is what is the hardest for me. I feel guilty about not wanting to be as close as we were. I worry because I was sort of the glue that held everyone together. I feel bad for not going to holidays or wanting to spend time with my inlaws on these special occasions. I am working through this and its not all the way, but its different and I'm happier.

Right now my parents can feel the shift in my ways and its throwing them off big time and for me its insane the change that have been happening. We did Thanksgiving last Saturday bc we're going to be at my inlaws on Thursday. I was all ready for the comments about how I never call anymore, I'm being a b*tch ignoring them, my husband is a jerk, etc, but you know what happened... nothing. It was a nice night with no drama because I haven't been tolerating it. Its like the mean kid that learns if they want to play they have to play nice. Same principle. I am learning my boundaries the same time they are, its a process and its not perfect but its so much better than it was and I feel really good about it.

Good luck with your situation. Its a tough one, but as much as you want things to be different YOU have to be ready to deal with the consequences and work through to make things change because face it - your parents will never want it to be different. They like things the way they are.


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## Bluemoon7

First of all, I agree with the great advice given. Read those books. They will help you see things more clearly and with more confidence. Secondly, I think it's good you see your parents behavior for what it is. Unacceptable. They really shouldn't be so controlling and mean to you, and they should be nicer to your future husband. 

You're going to have to draw a line. As long as you keep jumping when she calls, changing your plans to accomidate her, etc. she will keep doing what she's been doing. She needs to 
learn her tactics no longer work before she'll change her ways.

You are her only daughter, so I wouldn't worry too much about being cut off. And honestly, if your mother cuts you off because you refuse to be controlled by her, then she is toxic and you will be better off with some space from her anyway. Your fiance sounds like a very good guy with a nice family, don't let your family ruin this. 

My mom used to be very much like your mom. When she would ask me to do something it wasn't a question, but an expectation that I would do whatever she asked. If I dared say no, (which was very rare) she would get incredibly mean. Finally, it got to a toxic level involving her and my brother and I cut them both out of my life for a couple years, when I was probably about your age. When I tried to let my mom back into my life, it wasn't long before she was expecting things from me and getting angry when I didn't do what she wanted. So, I cut her out again. Finally she learned that I am an adult and I'm not going to do whatever she wants. We now have a good, healthy relationship and she respects me and the boundaries of my marriage. She's even a good MIL to my DH. Occasionally she will still annoy me by asking me to do things for her that really she should be doing herself (like calling around to find her a dentist) but as long as it's not often and I don't feel like she is taking advantage or controlling me, I'm willing to help. 

However, as easy as this may sound, it was very difficult and painful at the time. I missed other family for a few years, didn't attend many holiday's, etc. as I was avoiding certain relatives. Still, I think it was a good move on my part. It definitely proved to my mom and most of the family that if they want to see me, they better respect my boundaries.


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## Freak On a Leash

Damn, they sound like my parents...only worse. I haven't spoken to my family since 2003 and it was the BEST decision I ever made. I grew up in much the same way as you did. My parents would regularly sit me down and tell me about all the stuff that was wrong with me and how I should be "better". They were always telling me I needed to lose weight. The commented on everything I did and said. As a child I basically learned to avoid being at home as much as possible. 

They used to badmouth my husband constantly. They had a problem with everything I did in my life, whether it be my job or the house I lived in. . I finally told them that I didn't want to hear it anymore. I told them that I'm was not marrying him to gain THEIR acceptance but because I loved the guy! When my mother came in my house and started in how "shabby" it was I told her to leave if she didn't like it. 

One time they asked us to come over and actually tried to lecture my husband like he was 3 years old. My husband got up and walked out. I followed him out the door. That was the first of many confrontations. 

You see, the difference is...I fought my parents at every turn. It irritated the crap out of them but in the end it ended a lot of their crap. When I was 17 my mother tried doing her usual smacking me around or grabbing my hand when I said something she didn't like. I grabbed her hand and looked her in the eye and said "Next time you raise your hand to me I'll break it." That was the last time that she tried that on me. 

So here it is: Your parents don't respect your individuality as a person or accept that you are an adult. You have to stand your ground or else your marriage is doomed to fail. My mother tried her best to break up my marriage. After I stopped dealing with my parents completely my marriage started getting better. My life got a LOT better. 

What YOU need to do is let go of this fear that they will "cut you out". If they really love you,l they won't. If they do cut you out then they don't cherish and love you as their child but look upon you as a possession to be used as a punching bag. Cutting you off would be their way of doing you a BIG favor. 

So what you need to do is enact what is called "Tough Love". Do exactly what YOU want and tell them they are going to have to accept your decisions. YOU decide where and how you spend your holidays. YOU call the shots. It sounds like you have a terrific man who wants to marry you and THAT is the person you need to be loyal and considerate of. Your parents need to get over themselves. THEY are the problem...not you!

If they cry, whine, threaten, yell and do such a stupid and inane thing as threaten to "spank you" (Gimme a freakin' break! ) then just ignore them and say "My decision is final." This is how ADULTS act. Time to grow up and leave the nest...not just physically but emotionally as well!

You are making a very adult decision to marry the man you love. Now it's time to declare your independence from your controlling, emotionally abusive, insecure, selfish and disrespectful parents.

Also, I'd move as far away as you can possibly get away from them. One, because they aren't only abusive to you but to the man you love. Two, because when you have kids it'll just get worse. Plus, do you really want your kids to be exposed to these type of people? To learn their behavior and see what their value system is? One big factor in my splitting with my parents is because I couldn't stand that my kids were witnessing their behavior towards me and my husband. 

Sometimes you just have to accept reality. Your reality is that your parents stink when it comes to how they treat you. You need to take the proverbial bull by the horns and call the shots. Good luck. I feel your pain.

As a parent myself I could NOT imagine treating my kids like this. In fact, I make a conscious effort to look at everything my parents did to me and how they treated me..and do the EXACT opposite! Look at what you are parents are doing to you and make SURE that you don't do the same to your kids!


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## F-102

Say, SnRgirl, this is a theory, but it is a situation similar to mine: Do you truly feel that you love your parents, or do you fear that there will be consequences if you think otherwise. Do you really feel that you could love them unconditionally, or do you feel that you must, because you "owe" them?


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## starsandrocketsgrl12

I am trying to set some boundaries with them now. I actually made my own Christmas plans this year. I decided to visit my fiance's family for Christmas Eve and my parents for Christmas. However, my hometown was calling for snow on Christmas and there was a possibility that I may not get to see them. My mom called and tried to make me cancel my plans with my fiance's family to go ahead and try to make sure that I was there. Once again, she acted like my fiance didn't exist and she didn't care one way or another that he may not get to spend Christmas with me. So said 'no' and I stayed with my original plans. I didn't want to be rude and cancel my plans with his family over snow. 

This didn't go over so well with my mom. She tried every way in the world to make me feel so bad about my decision that I would change my plans. She told me that I no longer cared about the family and when I called my family to let them know that we made it to my fiance's family's house safely, I heard her over the phone making a smart aleck remark that I was "no longer a part of my family". That hurt a lot and I called her back and told her how much it hurt me. Then she told me that she was hurt because of the plans that I made. However, we ended up making it to my family's house for Christmas. 

I talked to my aunt yesterday and she said that she actually felt sorry for me because of the way that my mom was acting. She felt that my mom was ruining the good time I was having with his family (thankfully she didn't). I am sick of my mom acting like this. Ever since my grandpa died, she has become more depressed, dramatic, and more clingy towards me. I am just tired of the whole situation and so is my fiance. 

I love my family even though they have said hurtful things to me. Contrary to what I have said, they can be caring. I like to spend time with them because they can be fun people to be around. But they both, especially my mom needs to get over the fact that I have a person in my life and that I have to spend holidays with him/his family now.


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## turnera

You just have to learn to set and KEEP your boundaries. What choice does she have but to respect them? Many mothers forget that it's their job to raise healthy happy adults who then go out and start their OWN family, at which point the old family is necessarily second string. Sorry, but that's the way it works. Just hold firm and she'll come to respect that you're an adult now.


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## dadda11o

If you don't set boundaries now, be prepared for sadness later. My husband never drew the line in the sand. He'll complain about his mother (in particular), but guess what, I get all the anger. Seems he resents me for giving her cause to complain or worse, identifies me with her. In 23 days, we'll be divorced. I started to protect my ownn boundaries, which has saved my mental health, but it is hard to realize that he'll never leave "mommy" on his own and the last 20 years have never been a marriage. Good luck.


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## dadda11o

I love my family even though they have said hurtful things to me. Contrary to what I have said, they can be caring. I like to spend time with them because they can be fun people to be around. But they both, especially my mom needs to get over the fact that I have a person in my life and that I have to spend holidays with him/his family now.[/QUOTE]

There's the hook. I fell for it with my in-laws, too. But they aren't going to change their habits, much less than their attitudes, for no reason. You might find that you and your fiance are modifying your behavior more than they are. Every class I've ever taken has at least one test. You can test change by bringing up a small matter that normally starts the ball rolling. In that way, if there's been no change, you can find it out before you let your guard down. Change is often hard, too, even when you are trying to change yourself and WANT to change. Much easier and more comfortable to fall back into old behavior and thought patterns. Much simpler when others involved can see their part in the problem and own their responsibility and actively participate in changing.


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