# I'm set for a sexless life...



## theunmarriedone (Jan 13, 2012)

Hello all, a new member here. Stumbled onto the forum whilst looking up the linking between feeling incredibly depressed and having a slowly diminishing sex life...

As you can tell by my username, I'm not actually married, but reading the posts on here was a real eye opener for me. 

My girlfriend and I have been together for five years, so by no means is this a situation I can just get out of, as I love her incredibly and she means the world to me. 

Sex was great, as with any 'honeymoon' period of a relationship. However it's just got worse and worse over the last five years. I decided to keep a record of our sexual activity (in secret) over a six month period (June to Christmas 2011). We had sex 5 times within that period. 

Now, I read people on here saying "I've been married 20 years and we do it at least once a month" and I just sigh... If I could actually have sex once a month, I'd probably feel a whole lot better than I do now.

I hardly speak to my parents, I seem to hate them (this has built up over the last 9 months). I've become incredibly aggressive with my work colleagues - short tempered and not willing to help them with things I feel are simple to complete.

I'm 25 and I can't actually believe that I'm in this situation. I should be out there, shagging away and enjoying what I have whilst I'm young. However, I love my girlfriend so much and have to realise that she is a good person who loves me. 

I always have had a porn addiction. I seem to satisfy the fetishes I crave through porn, so I don't put pressure on my girlfriend to do things I know she wouldn't be keen on. However, from day one, I have always had a dirty mouth and always been outspoken about sex. She seems to believe that I'm getting worse, but I know for a fact that it's the complete opposite. I masturbate at least three times a day and I always have sex on the brain.

I was out with a friend of mine last night, who I know for a fact has a very very healthy sex life. "You are just a shadow of your former self" he said. - That really hit home 

I have made plenty of sacrifices for my girlfriend and I know that she has for me too. We argue a lot and never seem to have 'make up sex' afterwards. We used to and it didn't half help.

Anyway, so I seem to have driven myself into a complete state of depression. I work myself into an even deeper state of depression if I hear people (especially couples who are discussing it together) discussing their sex life. A couple I know decided to tell me that they average sex 4 times a week and they've been together for six years - that really made me question my relationship.

So, last night, I get a text "come round xxxxx" 

Followed by: "That's not an invite for sex, just to let you know"

Of course I'm going to go round, but I'm instantly in a bad mood. I appreciate that sex isn't always going to happen, but it's just like she's setting the rules, rather than just saying she's not in the mood if/when I make an approach. 

So anyway, the conversation that evening led onto our sex lives (initiated by me, of course) and she had the audacity to say "You don't seem to realise that couples don't actually have sex most nights" - I walked out the house and went home. - If my life was led by that rule, I would still having one hell of a lot more sex than I am now. 

So anyway, I don't want to blabber on any more. I just need someone to listen to me, before I go and get someone professional to hear my story. 

I know it's going to be easy for you guys to say that I can just leave, as I'm not married, but I'm sure you'll appreciate that when you truly love someone and your lives are so interwoven, it's just not always that easy.

Thanks for listening 

TL;DR - Sex is going down and we're not even married.


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## Wonko (Jun 14, 2011)

Get out before you get married and have kids. You two are not a good match.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

So if you're not going to leave and not going to change anything I assume you're fine with a life of celibacy.

You're just like so many men I see on here who lack the balls to draw and hold a boundary on their sex lives.

I'll Tell you this, I bet a paycheck if moved out she be begging you back within the week offering to put porn stars to shame with the sex she'd be laying on you.
Hysterical bonding is fun.

The fact is you're not married and it is indeed very easy to leave
You just need to get some self respect 

Study the 180 and leave her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

You love her, both physically and emotionally. 
She may love you, but only emotionally. 

Do you want to be undesired for the rest of your life? 

If you said "I'm leaving you because I don't think we'll have a fulfilling sex life" she would likely say/think "But it's JUST SEX." 

As if you told her you were leaving because she likes Pepsi and you like Coke. 

And that's the problem right there, isn't it?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

You say you can't just get out of this situation. Yes, you can. If you have no ties to her like kids etc, then by all means get out of this now. She is showing you who she is and how things will possibly be if you get married. 

IMO, there are many people who are shown by the person they are dating and they refuse to see it and marry anyway. Or they marry knowing how a person is, in hopes they will change, that's not likely to change. 

She showing you and telling you who she is, you just need to listen to that, and move on. Also, you say you have a problem with porn. If this is something you feel will be bothersome for someone else you may get involved with down the road, you might want to get that in check and seek help with it, as well.


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## jane21 (Jan 12, 2012)

I understand that you don't want to leave her and I don't expect you to. Have you made it clear to her that you will leave if things don't change? Perhaps when she is faced with the reality of the situation she will make an effort. If she really loves you and cares about your needs and the health and fate of your relationship she will try harder.
But...
If my boyfriend/husband was getting off to porn three times a day regardless of our sex life situation, I would not want to have sex with him. I would feel like he didn't need me to satisfy his needs so there would be no point in sleeping with him. I would also resent him greatly. 
There must be some reason for the way things are and I wouldn't hesitate to take a good look at yourself and put yourself in her shoes.


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

You think you're being a nice guy by staying. You're not, because nice guys don't walk around in awful moods like you seem to be.

Get out. NOW. I bet in 6 months you'll believe it's the best thing you ever did.

Cause you know 5 times in 6 months is going to be NONE as soon as you marry her right?


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

Don't fall into a blaming-the-victim mindset either. Your GF doesn't like having sex with you and you like having sex with her. 

Jerking off is pretty much your only option. She's "less likely" to sleep with you because you're whacking off? Less likely than almost never is blue on black, tears on a river, push on a shove, it don't mean much. 

Looking at porn - after being constantly refused - is not the end of the world. Don't think for a minute that the effect is the cause.


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## theunmarriedone (Jan 13, 2012)

Thanks all. I would love to reply to every one of you right now, but I'm just about to leave the office for the day. I'll try and get back to you all shortly.

Have a good weekend


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I think people are right to warn you against this relationship. However, this paragraph jumped out at me:

I always have had a porn addiction. I seem to satisfy the fetishes I crave through porn, so I don't put pressure on my girlfriend to do things I know she wouldn't be keen on. However, from day one, I have always had a dirty mouth and always been outspoken about sex. She seems to believe that I'm getting worse, but I know for a fact that it's the complete opposite. I masturbate at least three times a day and I always have sex on the brain.

Have you asked your girlfriend what she likes about sex with you? Have you tried to please her sexually and see how she orgasms? Do you flirt and tease her as a prelude to sex? Are you aware of her emotional needs in the relationship?

If you have had honest discussions with her and she still refuses to have a normal sexual relationship with you, then yes, get out. It will not improve with time.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

You're 25 and you've given up already.
At 45, I made changes for the better.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

I promise you that if you do not walk away now you will regret it. I used to love my wife more than anything on this planet. I am now getting to be so resentful that I am begining to hate her. The worse part about this is I view her as an anchor dragging me to the bottom, I hate myself so friggen much for not letting go of the chain that is connecting us.
Leave now or hate yourself for not doing so. These are your two choices.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

WOW...there is so much to say. First of all, healthy couples do have sex often. Maybe not every night, but at least a couple of times a week. Next, find the blog marriedmansexlife.com then get the book and read it. In know you are not married, but it will apply anyway. 

You need to get control of your addiction because it will hurt any relationship. Porn is not reality and you will expect any lover to act like the porn. Doesn't happen. There are real issues in relationships that you have to work through. None of that happens in porn. Here is a good article about the effect of porn:
Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunction Is a Growing Problem | Psychology Today

Sex for a woman has to do with being emotionally intimate with you first. Men spell sex S-E-X women spell it T-A-L-K. That last phrase has so much to it. If she thinks she is just an object for your sexual pleasure, forget it.

Are you a good lover and does she orgasm?

And finally, men and women can be so different in what sex means to them that she may have no clue why it is important to you. Here is a good article:

The Dennis Prager Show

The Dennis Prager Show

I don't know if I can help, but IM me if you want.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

theunmarriedone:

I hate to be so blunt, because you do love her. Maybe she wants to just be friends. Tell her how you feel. Tell her you want more out of the relationship.

I think it is time for you to tell her you are moving on and you will always be there for her as a friend.

I am married and would not put up with this. I get pissy if I do not get it at least once a week. It is part of the relationship, a small part but a very important part.

Good luck


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wonko said:


> Get out before you get married and have kids. You two are not a good match.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Go get a sexlife.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I just thought of something else. If you tell her you need to break it off, she might step up for a while, but if the original issue is not addressed it probably will not last.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

theunmarriedone said:


> If I could actually have sex once a month, I'd probably feel a whole lot better than I do now.


For the record, 5 times in 6 months _IS_ almost once a month. Just sayin'....


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

theunmarriedone said:


> I know it's going to be easy for you guys to say that I can just leave, as I'm not married, but I'm sure you'll appreciate that when you truly love someone and your lives are so interwoven, it's just not always that easy.


There are many things in life that are not easy. But sometimes they are still very necessary to do. And they often do not get any easier as time goes by.

. . . it will not be any easier if you two get married and continue down the same path you are on now.

. . . it will not be any easier if you two have a child together.

So, from that perspective, THIS point in time actually IS the easiest time for you to address this - since you cannot go back in time, but must continue to march forward. Maybe if you look at it from that perspective instead, it will help motivate you to make a decision. 

Carpe diem.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Bottled Up said:


> For the record, 5 times in 6 months _IS_ almost once a month. Just sayin'....


From Wikipedia, "The definition of a nonsexual marriage is often broadened to include those where sexual intimacy occurs less than ten times per year."

I would say he is there.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

She 'loves' you in a way that is totally separated from desire. 
That is destroying your ego. 

Imagine if you 'loved' her but never *wanted* to listen to her talk about her day, never wanted to take her on dates, never wanted to hold her hand in public, never wanted to display affection in public or in private, never wanted to engage in fun activities with her, etc.

Would she stick around? Of course not; she'd be gone in a second.
Because no one thinks you can 'love' someone in any deep sense without these things. Why do you think she can 'love' you in a meaningful sense if she's not attracted to you in the slightest?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

A girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other/marriage without intimacy is at best a friendship or room mate situation. You can have that without promising to be "faithful" to her. So keep her as a friend if you wish, but tell her that your idea of a significant "life partner" relationship includes sex on a regular basis.

As others have said, this IS the time to address the situation. What, were you thinking of waiting till you got married and she got pregnant before you brought it up? . You could try reading up on the "manning up" threads in the men's forum, and the "married men's sex guide". Manning up isn't an insult or mean becoming a jerk. It's more about determining your boundaries and enforcing them.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

SoWhat said:


> She 'loves' you in a way that is totally separated from desire.
> That is destroying your ego.
> 
> Imagine if you 'loved' her but never *wanted* to listen to her talk about her day, never wanted to take her on dates, never wanted to hold her hand in public, never wanted to display affection in public or in private, never wanted to engage in fun activities with her, etc.
> ...


:iagree: You need to listen well.

I think she might still like you a lot, because she invites you over to hang out (I'm guessing). Problem is, without that romantic spark that manifests itself with physical affection there is nothing upon which to continue a committed relationship (which to me, like marriage, = regular satisfying sex).

There is a possibility that she is just using you, but I don't think it's all that likely (unless you were to report that she has you over to help her move boxes, wash her car, etc.) IMO you see this more with married folks where one manipulates the other into doing more with promises of better attention.

A third possibility is that she is conflicted about sex outside of marriage. What is her religion / value system (or that of the people in her life)?

I don't think she is put off by your porn use (assuming she knows about it) or anything else about you, because if she was then why would she continue to invite you over?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Bottled Up said:


> For the record, 5 times in 6 months _IS_ almost once a month. Just sayin'....


We have been married for 30 years and even when we weren't doing so well as a couple, once a month was unacceptable. It's not the sex, it's the bond of making love as a couple who are devoted to each other.

I can log on to PicHunter and have sex with my hand....


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I really didn't enjoy sex like I do now. It's my age, my drive kicked in at my late 30's. I do think it's typical in a long term relationship for the sex to fluctuate. Just like a marriage. You need to sit with her and tell her how your feeling in a gentle way. Find out what both your needs are. If she's not meeting your needs, your not meeting her's. A long relationship is like a marriage, but without the papers and legal aspect out of it. 5 years in my opinion is too long to stay just boyfriend/girlfriend. Someone in your relationship is afraid of commitment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

DanF said:


> We have been married for 30 years and even when we weren't doing so well as a couple, once a month was unacceptable. It's not the sex, it's the bond of making love as a couple who are devoted to each other.
> 
> I can log on to PicHunter and have sex with my hand....


+1 on this. After 17 years of marriage, once a month was unacceptable. And often, things decline over time, not magically improve.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theunmarriedone (Jan 13, 2012)

I wanted to log back in, as I was keen to see peoples' view on this. Especially as I seem to have got a bit more of a response than I expected.

I would like to clear a few bits up and add some things, which I missed from the initial post. 

1) My girlfriend, about three years ago got hit terribly with cystitis and it kept coming back for the six months following it. We took our sexual activity down to help alleviate the infection and hopefully rid her of it. The thing is though, even during the 'reduced sex' period, we still had more sex than we do now. She's not had a flare up for about a year and I am 100% behind her that too much sex can bring it back, if we're not careful. However I know for a fact that we can have weekly sex without an issue. It's just that the excuses now aren't down to that, she just says no and has even dropped the 'headache' excuse a few times.

2) I would like to add some clarity to my self-diagnosed porn addiction: Unless I am engaged in another activity in the evening, I will always watch porn and masturbate to it. The problem is that I am never entirely satisfied, so I literally spend hours and hours pouring over sites, looking for new videos. The other night I didn't sleep until 4am and usually a bedtime of before 1am would be deemed an early night.
I masturbate in the mornings and even at work. It's a release for me and seems to let me get on with my day and shift the eagerness for sex to the back of my mind.

3) My girlfriend is aware that I masturbate, she actually finds it funny that I do - she's cool with it. She knows I watch porn, but I doubt that she know's I watch tonnes of it. 

4) When we do have sex, I always make her have an orgasm. Even if I've had one first, I'll make sure that she gets one too. She's not one of this people to fake it. If she's not in the mood to have one (During 'chore' sex) she just tells me not to try to make her have one, as she won't. 
I know what she likes in bed. If there was something she wanted to do, she'd just say. She buys a toy on a rare occasion, so that kind of back up the fact that she's willing to introduce things into the relationship. …The problem is that this only happens once in a blue moon.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

DanF said:


> We have been married for 30 years and even when we weren't doing so well as a couple, once a month was unacceptable. It's not the sex, it's the bond of making love as a couple who are devoted to each other.
> 
> I can log on to PicHunter and have sex with my hand....


Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying 5 times out of 6 months is acceptable, I was simply pointing out the close resemblance between what he "thought he might be happier with" vs. what he calculated he had actually received


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Putting your porn and masturbation aside, what is your view of making love?
Is it sex? Intercourse?

Making love has about as much to do with intercourse as porn has to do with love.
I don't know what cystitis is, but I assume it interferes with sex. If it interferes with intercourse, then there is always manual and oral. 
Having sex is not making love, and making love is not necessarily having sex. There are so many things that you can do with each other. Be open to trying new things and not just hammering your partner like a porn star.


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## theunmarriedone (Jan 13, 2012)

DanF said:


> Putting your porn and masturbation aside, what is your view of making love?
> Is it sex? Intercourse?
> 
> Making love has about as much to do with intercourse as porn has to do with love.
> ...


Cistitis is a bladder/urinary tract infection. It's not like an STI or anything like that. A lot of women suffer it and I'm sure, from having 1st hand experience of seeing the pain it can inflict, that there will be women on here who understand what she went though.

We have a good relationship, we do things, spend loads of time together and enjoy ourselves socially. I mean, she even used to come to a couple of 'adult' events, which wouldn't have really been to her taste, but she knew I liked it. (this was all before stuff started taking a turn for the worse)

If you think I'm ' trying to hammer her like a pornstar', you're wrong. As I said, I watch in porn what I don't get in my relationship as I know what she is into and not into.

I pester her for sex a lot, I'm not going to lie. I get really down when it's a no, but I'm on top of the world when it's a success. I work better, I eat less and generally treat people better.


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

Intimacy can include non penetration to avoid flair ups of her Cystitis. You all need to talk and have a meeting of the minds that intimacy will improve.


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