# Wife not interested in sex... For years now



## retiredarmy13f (Feb 26, 2018)

I'm in a sexless marriage. And I mean totally sexless. Wife won't even give handie or oral even though I have offered the same to her repeatedly in hopes to give her drive a bit of a push. I blame some of this on her parents that raised her over protected. Also a few years ago she needed a hysterectomy which killed what weak lame sex we were having. She's only 42 and I'm 46 and she seems content never having sex again. She had many issues wanting to have a child and meds made her totally unbearable. I don't want to sound shallow but this is getting beyond stupid. I ask her if there's anything she/we can do to help her and she always says she's working on it... What is she doing? Is she trying to think her libido back. It's making me depressed, there's no intimacy and little physical connection and it makes me feel lonely even while sleeping right next to her. I still love her and other then sex we get along well. Now I'm constantly horny and mad. What do I do? I don't want to screw things up but things need to change for us or at very least me. I'm at wits end... I've even mentioned getting marriage therapy but she doesn't because I guess she content.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Its ok and reasonable to want a sex life.

She has made the decision for you that you will be celibate.

Demand to see a marriage counselor, screen them first for one that deals with sex issues and agrees that it is not acceptable for her to force a sexless marriage.

You need to come to grips with chances being low this gets resolved... so then what?

You could always initiate a divorce to start the clock ticking, if things pick up, you can always stop the divorce before its final.

You only live once, and seems like you are missing out on an important part of life.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I'm assuming you were a Fister based on the screen name. Fellow retired Soldier here as well.

Look, brother: most people arrive at this site hoping to hear something from fellow posters that will change their spouse. Unfortunately, reality just doesn't work that way. It normally involves some form of change or growth by the spouse posting...even if it means getting the stones to leave a relationship.

How healthy are you? What about her? How is your relationship other than sex, and more specifically, before her hysterectomy? Is there anything she complains about in your relationship?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

You are going to need to get vulnerable and tell her how this makes you feel to appeal to her ethos. Her loss of libido is 100% chemical and she needs treatment for her missing hormones. She knew this before the hysterectomy and this is an unfair decision to make for your marriage (not starting hormone replacement therapy). Sex will be painful for her without treatment.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

retiredarmy13f said:


> says she's working on it...


Not. She's not doing anything, except letting you suffer while you shell out the bucks.



retiredarmy13f said:


> she seems content never having sex again





retiredarmy13f said:


> she doesn't because I guess she content.


She IS content with never having sex again, hell's bells, she didn't really want it in the first place.

This is NEVER going to change. All these things she points to are unmitigated horse$hit. Her parents? Overprotected ? Baloney. The TRUTH is, she wants you for what you CAN PROVIDE but she has NEVER had any sexual interest in you.



retiredarmy13f said:


> Is she trying to think her libido back


No. Her libido is not "gone". There is no "back" which can be applied to something which did not exist in the first place. If she had iota interest in you, sexually, she would be jumping your bones.

I am not a gambler, nor the son of a gambler, but if I were, I would bet REAL MONEY there was somebody in her past who she absolutely couldn't wait to get her hands on. Just not YOU.

This is not the fault of her parents, God, the bearded, the unwashed, or Al Queda operatives. She's just not "in to" you and lacks the common, decent, moral fiber to tell the truth.... because she knew that she would never get you to an altar by saying "...I'm not really in to you, sexually..... but I know you will make a good husband and provider......so I want to marry you, even though it will give you a lifetime of total despair...."


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

The longer you stay, the more you'll have to pay. And at this point, wtf are you even paying for? You have the right to be happy just like she has the right to be miserable, by herself.


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## Mumma175 (Aug 12, 2021)

I had a near enough sexless relationship for 6years. It destroyed my self esteem and ultimately the relationship. My advice is keep pushing to see a counseller together. At the end of the day, if she tries to make things work, at least you know you can work on it. If she (like my ex husband) pushes back and wouldn't do anything to help, you know where you stand. You have a choice, continue being celebrate forever or make some hard choices. This is a decision only you can make. 

I appreciate she may be struggling with the hysterectomy, however you both have to work on this as it's effecting your mental health too. Sex is a massive part of a loving relationship. I didn't appreciate this point until I was in a sexless relationship. It eats away at you and makes you feel like you're not good enough etc. So just so you know, you deserve to be happy too and your feelings matter too. 

There's going to be tough conversations to be had, but as mentioned before by someone else, you'll have to be vulnerable and lay all your cards on the table, so she can see how it's effecting you too. 

I hope it all works out for you


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

retiredarmy13f said:


> I'm in a sexless marriage. And I mean totally sexless. Wife won't even give handie or oral even though I have offered the same to her repeatedly in hopes to give her drive a bit of a push. I blame some of this on her parents that raised her over protected. Also a few years ago she needed a hysterectomy which killed what weak lame sex we were having. She's only 42 and I'm 46 and she seems content never having sex again. She had many issues wanting to have a child and meds made her totally unbearable. I don't want to sound shallow but this is getting beyond stupid.* I ask her if there's anything she/we can do to help her and she always says she's working on it... What is she doing? Is she trying to think her libido back. *It's making me depressed, there's no intimacy and little physical connection and it makes me feel lonely even while sleeping right next to her. I still love her and other then sex we get along well. Now I'm constantly horny and mad. What do I do? I don't want to screw things up but things need to change for us or at very least me. I'm at wits end... I've even mentioned getting marriage therapy but she doesn't because I guess she content.


You asked the question, "....... I ask her if there's anything she/we can do to help her and she always says she's working on it... What is she doing? Is she trying to think her libido back. ........"

Actually, "words of affirmation" or self hypnosis is a fairly powerful tool for self change. I am sure you have seen lots of CD's on stop smoking, loose weight, let go of stress, etc. They work for many people.

However, I would suggest that the next time you have on of those conversations ask her specifically what are the things she is doing, what is her timeline or schedule, and most importantly is there anything you can do to help her either in the form of motivational rewards or seeing a marriage counselor (preferably a sex therapist). If she seems confused, tell her the most sex therapists start with sensate focus exercises to help take the stress out of intimacy.

Now for you, I would recommend a reading course of three books. (1) M.W. Davis The Sex Starved Marriage (you will learn you are not alone and some ideas on what has worked for others in your shoes. (2) Dr. Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy. Nice Guys are codependent men who need the emotional validation of women and women find such clingy men not sexy at all. Glover has lots of ideas on things that have worked for other men and traps men put themselves into. (3) Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight. It will tell you why human beings and mammals in general need physical touch to thrive and be happy.

Been there done that. Good luck.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I don't really know why people advocate coercive measures or threats, self help materials, or whatever when it comes to sex...IMO., either both parties are free and willing/eager participants, or it will never even be worth it if those measures somehow resulted in some sex....Who in the world would even want sex from someone that had to have a gun to their head to do it??

At the end of the day, even if she had a problem with health that killed her drive, if she personally isn't doing anything about it, then you have your answer...She doesn't care and doesn't want to care...

Ball is in your court, buddy,,,

I am not like a lot of others in the sense that they will tell you to just stay the course and keep trying....They are well intentioned, but I just don't think it's ever going to be effective and quite frankly, Id never twist any woman's arm for sex...

There are 3 options...

-You stay, accept that this is the life you have, and "take care of yourself" when you want to(that's probably already what you are doing)

-You stay and find what you need on the street...Depending on what type of guy you are it won't be difficult to get/find, but then you have all the other crap that comes along with this option...Believe me though, a lot of guys are out there doing this...I am not justifying it, just that it's not rare...

-You leave, blow it up, and start over...

That's it, pal.. I get it...It's like you face the lion, the tiger or the bear....There is no easy path to get to where you want, but all the talk in the world will lead you back to these same three options.,.. Pick wisely...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You’re not happy in your marriage. Isn’t hat the purpose of getting married? To be more happy?
So the logical thing to do is tell your wife you wAnt a divorce. She’s not magically going to start wanting sex with you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Your wife had a hysterectomy quite young. Did she have her ovaries removed? If she did then presumably she was put on hrt. If she didn't then she will still have her usual hormones. 
You may need to decide what you will do if she refuses to do anything about this situation.
If she plainly says she no longer wants sex then you have to make a decision. Either stay and deal with it, or end the marriage. I hope you wouldn't cheat although some people will suggest that I expect. 
I would suggest that you calmly sit her down and say that you aren't going to remain in a sexless marriage for the next 30 or 40 years. Then ask her if she is willing to get help with you to change the situation. If she refuses then you know you have a very hard decision to make.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

retiredarmy13f said:


> I'm in a sexless marriage. And I mean totally sexless. Wife won't even give handie or oral even though I have offered the same to her repeatedly in hopes to give her drive a bit of a push. I blame some of this on her parents that raised her over protected. Also a few years ago she needed a hysterectomy which killed what weak lame sex we were having. She's only 42 and I'm 46 and she seems content never having sex again. She had many issues wanting to have a child and meds made her totally unbearable. I don't want to sound shallow but this is getting beyond stupid. I ask her if there's anything she/we can do to help her and she always says she's working on it... What is she doing? Is she trying to think her libido back. It's making me depressed, there's no intimacy and little physical connection and it makes me feel lonely even while sleeping right next to her. I still love her and other then sex we get along well. Now I'm constantly horny and mad. What do I do? I don't want to screw things up but things need to change for us or at very least me. I'm at wits end... I've even mentioned getting marriage therapy but she doesn't because I guess she content.



Unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do. Even if she did give in and have sex....it sounds like it isn't something she wants to do and should wouldn't have passion and love and desire for you....she'd grit her teeth, stare at the ceiling and wait for it to be over. That isn't a position anyone wants to find themselves in. All you can do is tell her how you feel be polite, be loving but be honest. Tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her how you desire her, how it makes you feel to be rejected, not desired. What it feels like to know you'll possibly not have sex again. Be loving but brutally honest. 

She will either try to take action (go to a doctor to see why her libido is gone), she'll be brutally honest back (maybe she finds you repulsive and she can't stomach the thought of you....maybe you'll have to workout, get buff work on being charming and romantic and wooiing her), maybe she'll just do nothing and carry on the way it has been going. 

Right now, this isn't a marriage, you are just roommates who share household duties and child raising duties. 

Only you can decide if you can live the next 40 years like this or if you'll need to move on and be with someone who desires you sexually.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

hamadryad said:


> I don't really know why people advocate coercive measures or threats, self help materials, or whatever when it comes to sex...IMO., either both parties are free and willing/eager participants, or it will never even be worth it if those measures somehow resulted in some sex....Who in the world would even want sex from someone that had to have a gun to their head to do it??
> 
> At the end of the day, even if she had a problem with health that killed her drive, if she personally isn't doing anything about it, then you have your answer...She doesn't care and doesn't want to care...
> 
> ...


I'm not one for any of the self-help books either but at least if he did adopt some of what the books mention, it likely won't turn his wife around but would put him in good mental and physical shape to find a new partner when he finally decides to det divorced...or maybe even before? 

Like they say, its easier to find a new job when you already have one. Maybe wives are the same way?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

take a look at asexuality.org and see if that fits your situation. It won't tell you want to do, but may help explain what is going on. 

Asexuality is real, and in general not something that will change.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What would you do if you had a big benign tumor that was keeping you in pain and hard to carry around because it weighed 50 lbs awas on your mind constantly, but to get rid of it you’d have to go through some pretty severe pain for 6 months while it was slowly cut out?

well, you are the only person that can give permission for the doc to remove it, and you’ll have to go through the pain.

myself—- no sex for years, with no hope of sex? A woman is hard enough to deal with as it is. No sex on top of that? I think I’d call the doctor And tell him to start cutting.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Was your sex life ever good with your wife?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Since being a participant on TAM, I've definitely developed new ways of seeing things. Plus, I now understand many more things than before. For example, sex is a physical and an emotional event. The emotional part is what makes you feel loved. Duty sex, which is better than no sex, is not fulfilling because the emotional connection is absent. Masturbating is not satisfying because it only addresses the physical aspect. The emotional part can never be satisfied with masturbation. The latest revelation I had is that one spouse manually stimulating the other to orgasm is somewhat fulfilling since the accommodating spouse cares enough to take the time and make the effort. 

If your wife is not going to have sex with you, it's hard to see why you would want to remain married to her. The frustration you're feeling will only get worse. You need to decide what you're going to do.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

retiredarmy13f said:


> I'm in a sexless marriage. And I mean totally sexless. Wife won't even give handie or oral even though I have offered the same to her repeatedly in hopes to give her drive a bit of a push. I blame some of this on her parents that raised her over protected. Also a few years ago she needed a hysterectomy which killed what weak lame sex we were having. She's only 42 and I'm 46 and she seems content never having sex again. She had many issues wanting to have a child and meds made her totally unbearable. I don't want to sound shallow but this is getting beyond stupid. I ask her if there's anything she/we can do to help her and she always says she's working on it... What is she doing? Is she trying to think her libido back. It's making me depressed, there's no intimacy and little physical connection and it makes me feel lonely even while sleeping right next to her. I still love her and other then sex we get along well. Now I'm constantly horny and mad. What do I do? I don't want to screw things up but things need to change for us or at very least me. I'm at wits end... I've even mentioned getting marriage therapy but she doesn't because I guess she content.


Look, her sex drive is gone. I'm glad you love her despite the complete lack of sex, I suppose you could love her and still be single if you really wanted to and couldn't see masturbation being the answer for the next 20 years. There is no magic wand for this. All you can do is ask her to go to the GYN and get on hormone therapy and see if it makes any difference but hormone therapy isn't a direct answer to low sex drive. But if she hasn't even tried that, she ought to unless she has some reason she doesn't want to have a sex drive. But it is certainly no guarantee that it will give her one.


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