# been 4 years since affair but still can't get over it!



## soldiergirl (Sep 2, 2010)

First time on here,was married for 23 years when 42 year old husband had 2 year affiar with 28 year old.we are still together but i just CANNOT stop thinking about all the betrayal,hurt,waste of years etc.i know i am wasting even more years this way but don't know how to deal with it.neither of us is happy at the moment. he is remorseful and cries whenever we talk about it(which he never used to do-cry i mean).he still tries to cuddle me and kiss me but says he just gets looks of hatred from me and no feeling from me at all.he still flirts with women and i feel that he does'nt care about my feelings at all.i think i still love him,otherwise why would i still be here?had counselling but that was a waste of time! feel stupid but i do want to be with him ?? AAARGGGHHHHHH its driving me crazy!!!1 please help with some advice.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there and welcome, 
4 years is a long time to still be having a lot of emotions about the affair. You sound like you are stuck and haven't moved on with your marriage......
It won't ever go away, your marriage is different now, but you can work together to make it better than it's ever been, but this is a choice on your part, if you won't let yourself move past the affair it won't ever happen......
Your husband needs to work on not giving you any doubt about trusting him, his actions, not his words should prove his intent.....
He should be completely transparent with all his communications with anyone else and he should make you aware of where he is at all times.
You have to both work on filling all of each other's needs, supporting each other and just making sure you are affectionate with each other.......
You wouldn't still be there if you didn't want your marriage, you are just stuck......my therapist tells me make a choice to trust him until.... to start with......know that this choice is for you to take the burden off your shoulders....it's something you are chosing and you should put 100% effort into your choices....
Slowly your doubts should leave you with your choice and his effort.....you can't change the past but you can control today and your future.........
Don't let that time in your life keep you from living today and being happy from now on...........
It's not worth it.........you and your marriage are.........
((hugs))).


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

Jessi is correct.

4 years is a long time to be still stuck and not moving past what happened. My husbands affair ended just over a month ago and we are doing EVERYTHING we can to repair our marriage. Both of us are and we are already healing from it. We both know there will be bad days, but we both can see that we can get past this together and our marriage will likely be better for it. I think you need to go back to counseling, read His Needs Her Needs. You also have to decide if you want it to work. If you do not want it to work, then probably you shouldn't be married to this man any longer.


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## heatherlindsay (Sep 1, 2010)

Something inside of you doesn't trust him...I can see why.
You said he flirts with other women. He is just making it hard for you to ever trust him by doing this.
Is there anything else he does that makes you feel uncomfortable? such as cyber sex, watching porn, checking out other women. This is disrespectful, a high school boy would act this way. But you are married and you both made a commitment to each other. Write down a list of the thing/things he does that makes you feel uncomfortable. I can soooooooooo relate to your problem, I have learned that you can NEVER change a man and I think deep down Its hard for you to trust him, and i can imagine that it might make you feel disrespected, and unloved. Make him a nice steak dinner and when hes done eating (which shouldn't take long) he will appreciate it so much that when you sit him down and talk to him his ears will be wide open.

If you decide to discuss all the things you write on your paper that makes you feel uncomfortable be as clear as possible and don't leave anything out. Tell him you don't want this in your lfe . Say I love you but its me or your urges. Tell him there are plenty of guys who wouldn't make you feel uncomfortable and give you respect you deserve. 

All I can say is just go express yourself, be firm and clear, dont cry or show to much emotion, act as if there are 100 guys waiting in line for you and see what happens.

Goodluck:smthumbup:


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

4 years is NOT a long time to get over this if it was done wrong in the first place. What did he do to show you his total comittment to you and that an affair would never happen again? Did you find out or did he confess? How did the two of you deal with this? Was it "swept under the rug" or was he totally open, honest, transparent (giving you passwords to his computer, cell phone, etc.) with all things in his life, etc. If it is just tears on his part without any actual change then I can totally see why you are unable to trust him again, love him again and move on from this painful experience. There are words and then there are actions, what actions has he done?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

DING-DING-DING Brennan has hit the nail on the head. There really are two parts when a partner has an affair: 1) end the affair (and that's all the stuff that our 7 steps etc.) and 2) recover the marriage. 

After an affair, there will be no progress or true recovery if it is ignored, swept under the rug, and you just try to "go back to the way it was." After an affair it just will not ever be the way it was because the fact is that things have changed. To truly recover, he has work he would have to do (like being open with you with his passwords and cellphone), and you have work you would have to do (like not holding it over his head and admitting how you contributed). If he doesn't do his part or avoids it...or if you don't do your part...then there will be no progress made and you won't recover. 

You don't really need to go to counseling to do that. It's HARDER to do it on your own but you sure can. And if you need help going step-by-step through it there are folks who can help you with that too.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I think Brennan hit the nail on the head to. I can relate to your situation as it sounds so close to mine only she was only 18 when they started their affair. I think that when you get over it happens slowly and its different it also depends upon the level of pain and how much betrayal involved. Was it someone you knew? A mutual friend, did he hide it, admit to it etc? All of this affects how you feel and recover. For example if my H had a chance encounter with a woman, had a one night stand and never spoke to her again. Felt guilty and admitted to me, would I get over it faster than what really happened (long emotional and physical affair, thought he was in love with her, even flaunted it in front of me and her age..and the lies, over and over again). Its very different and yes I think it affects how long because I'm recovering from a deeper wound. 

Try something different though, I know only too well how much this hurts and it can drive you crazy at times. Put your thoughts and feelings about the affair aside...I know its hard, and try to reconnect and remember why you felt in love. He has to participate in this too. Tell him this is important to you and will help. If he approaches this eagerly then great, he wants to help you heal and progress can be made. 

I'm right there with you though, so hard to let go. Actions speak louder than words. So if he's putting in the effort it will help you heal, but help him to help you. Tell him what you need.


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

It has been three months since I found out about my wife's emotional affair. Although I know it didn't go all the way but it still hurts knowing that you have lost the love of your life to a bozo (really -- the OM was a male maid). As others have indicated it hurts more when the affair is with someone you know and there has been constant lies and no real confession or apology. 

I told my wife last night that we're going to start with a clean slate; no strings attached or installment plan. But how can I do it when I still think about it? I hope this feeling doesn't last four years. But I know what you are saying and I am only repeating what others have told me to do: "You are the one standing between you and your life. Be a gentleman (or lady) about it and think about the present and future, not the past."

best wishes,
M.


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## soldiergirl (Sep 2, 2010)

Thankyou everyone.it helps seeing what other people think,specially if they have been in my situation. a few more details,yes i did know the slag,he even invited it to our wedding anniversary party! he confessed to the affair,but said they were 'just friends' .he did not admit to anything more for a couple of months but still wont tell me exactly what happened,says i'm weird for wanting to know all the details.i just want to know how much he betrayed me.i geuss i already know the answer.says he was stuck in a hole and could'nt get out,he was having a nervous breakdown blah blah blah.it lasted for a year and a half!! he still kept in touch with it for a couple of months after he told me,i was desperate to keep him cos i thought nothing had happened yet so was doing all i could to stop him from going there,little realising he was and had already been doing it! what an idiot i am.must admit tho' that i had been holding back on my wifely duties because i was terrified of having another miscarriage,for ages.so can see how some young slapper could tempt him,younger and slimmer than me but butt ugly.i just can't get past how all those years meant that little to him that he was willing to throw it all away,and that he felt no guilt to keep going back to that thing.he is a really large character,life and soul of the party,good-looking,well-built,all the women fancy him.i have fought all our married life to keep other women off him.will [post more later.thanks guys x


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My W thought I was weird for wanting details, she thought I would use them against her, and she even thought they turned me on. But, for me it helped me heal, I needed to know the what/how she did it, when she did it, were she did it, how many times she did it, and how it happened/meet. I needed yo know every thing for us to move on. Be warned this was very heavy to handle, but her stories (some sexual-some not) where so indepth I felt she was not holding back and the trurth came out and know we are toghether moving forward.
It's been only 6-1/2 month since our confrontation about her 13 year run with multiable guys. I use the word "confrontation" because I dismmissed her for years and already knew she was getting attention else were. So I can't say "when I found out".
NOW THATS WEIRD!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

So what I am hearing is that he told you about the affair, denied the extent of it, continued contact with her, refused to give up details you asked for and thought you were "weird" for wanting to know. In reality, he cheated on you, lied about the physical part, kept her on the side for months, didn't admit to any details and doesn't feel you have the right to know what actually went on. This is ALL about him. He doesn't want to admit what he has really done, give up details, give you a timeline of the affair and trully own up in an effort to protect himself. Of COURSE you can't move on! Seriously, coming home and saying "honey we have to talk" or something like that, telling you of the affair but then lying, denying and holding back the truth has totally prevented you from moving on. You will never be able to come to terms with this if he isn't totally transparent with his actions. Ever. That means he tells you exactly what happened, when it happened, where it happened, how often it happened, until you are confident you have the truth. After that he needs to give you access to his phone, email, accounts, etc. He needs to be where he is when he says he is and be accountable for that. He needs to be TOTALLY transparent in all of his daily business. Always. If he is unwilling to do that, then you really need to take a hard look at your marriage and figure out if you want to spend another 10 years of your life with somebody who isn't respectful of your needs and your wants in an effort to heal. 
BTW... he wasn't "stuck in a hole" he stuck it IN a hole. HE needs to own up to his actions and give you the answers and the eventual closure that you need and deserve.


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

Brennan said:


> So what I am hearing is that he told you about the affair, denied the extent of it, continued contact with her, refused to give up details you asked for and thought you were "weird" for wanting to know. In reality, he cheated on you, lied about the physical part, kept her on the side for months, didn't admit to any details and doesn't feel you have the right to know what actually went on. This is ALL about him. He doesn't want to admit what he has really done, give up details, give you a timeline of the affair and trully own up in an effort to protect himself. Of COURSE you can't move on! Seriously, coming home and saying "honey we have to talk" or something like that, telling you of the affair but then lying, denying and holding back the truth has totally prevented you from moving on. You will never be able to come to terms with this if he isn't totally transparent with his actions. Ever. That means he tells you exactly what happened, when it happened, where it happened, how often it happened, until you are confident you have the truth. After that he needs to give you access to his phone, email, accounts, etc. He needs to be where he is when he says he is and be accountable for that. He needs to be TOTALLY transparent in all of his daily business. Always. If he is unwilling to do that, then you really need to take a hard look at your marriage and figure out if you want to spend another 10 years of your life with somebody who isn't respectful of your needs and your wants in an effort to heal.
> BTW... he wasn't "stuck in a hole" he stuck it IN a hole. HE needs to own up to his actions and give you the answers and the eventual closure that you need and deserve.


For all us whom have been involved in this kind of extra marriage affairs, we know that getting the details is almost impossible to do. According to my therapist, it won't help either. I may be wrong, but don't try to get information. That's about the past. It's old news. Move on forward.

M.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

I would like to get the whole truth from my husband but I never will and I don't think you will either. My husband is a liar and a cheat; I have chosen to love him anyway...... it is what it is. 

I hope you can live a happy life regardless of what he does or doesn't do, we are all flawed and imperfect and at the end of the day he chose YOU. Look forward, enjoy life, and try not to think about it.


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## Ravensno (Sep 3, 2010)

Soldiergirl and Brennan....I LOVE YA'LL!!!! It has been 15 1/2 years since my husband of now 36 years got involved with a co-worker 15 years younger than us(we are both 52 years old). And NO, I am not over it. The thoughts of them haunt me everyday. I overdosed with my antidepressants back in 1995 and will never take them again because I will do it again. I am still with my husband. It has been hard and is hard. We have seperate bedrooms and no sex life. I don't hate him, am just bitter. very very bitter. can't move past it. Ya'll want to help me? And yes, I got most of the "details" out of him and wish I had just said the two words i can't say here and never looked back. But, 2 children kept me from doing that. And, all the years together had a big part too. Soldiergirl, I see the other woman everyday! Her current husband bought them a house a street behind me not knowing about her and my husband until much later. Plus, I work in a chainstore of which she is still employed and have for, yeah, 15 years. My husband has since resigned from said chain store. He wished I would let it all go.


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

Ravensno said:


> Soldiergirl and Brennan....I LOVE YA'LL!!!! It has been 15 1/2 years since my husband of now 36 years got involved with a co-worker 15 years younger than us(we are both 52 years old). And NO, I am not over it. The thoughts of them haunt me everyday. I overdosed with my antidepressants back in 1995 and will never take them again because I will do it again. I am still with my husband. It has been hard and is hard. We have seperate bedrooms and no sex life. I don't hate him, am just bitter. very very bitter. can't move past it. Ya'll want to help me? And yes, I got most of the "details" out of him and wish I had just said the two words i can't say here and never looked back. But, 2 children kept me from doing that. And, all the years together had a big part too. Soldiergirl, I see the other woman everyday! Her current husband bought them a house a street behind me not knowing about her and my husband until much later. Plus, I work in a chainstore of which she is still employed and have for, yeah, 15 years. My husband has since resigned from said chain store. He wished I would let it all go.


Why can't you (or couldn't you) let it go. You may be like me and having obsessive thoughts about it. It seems very easy for my two therapists that I let it go too. It seems like other members on this forum has been able to do so too. But for me hasn't been that easy either. Hope it changes over time.

Thanks,
M.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I am in the same boat but working on it stage. I have been angry for 11 years. It came to a head in Oct. And I started really working on it for the last two months with the help of this site. First,you have to commit to the marraige. Are you wanting to stay and work hard or are you just going to sit and resent him. It is a waste of time. If you are not going to work then get out.
If you want to work, go to marraige builders website and take the questionaires and be truthful to yourself and him. Have him work through it with you. Trust will come once you start seeing results. Being bitter is such a waste and you are wasting time where you could be working this out.
I am not saying it is easy. I have really tough days and hubby sets me off doing something stupid and all that resentment comes back. You have to keep working. Let him show you what he can do to change things and you also have to change.that was the hardest thing for me to understand.
I also bought the book,his need,her needs and love busters. They have helped me understand what drove the hubby to cheat. Not saying he was right,but I did things that sent the wrong messages and hurt his feelings to. You can't work on it until you decide that you want to keep the marraige and really work on it. Be ready for set backs and be able to let it go. It will come. I feel better now in the last month than I have in 11 years . It does work
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soldiergirl (Sep 2, 2010)

You are all right one way or the other.BRENNAN you are on my wavelength exactly,i think those things all the time.i know i am wasting time and energy but i just can't get over how he could do that to me,after all these years together,raising a family,staying loyal to him when he was in the army and away,etc etc.its not as if i never had opportunities,i did but i never wanted to because i loved him and was married.old fashioned values,where do they get you.he is remorseful and is always trying to hold my hand but says he just gets no feeling from me at all,he just feels hatred from me.he says he hates himself and can't bear to look at himself in the mirror,he has broken his own heart as well as mine and other twaddle.why should i believe him when he lied to me every day for nearly two years? i think i am trying to harden myself up and protect myself in case it happens again,once a cheater always a cheater.i have told him if he ever did anything like it again then that would be the end of it DEFINATELY.feel like i am a soft touch.he says he does'nt want to tell me everything cos he knows what i am like and i will just fester even more and think even more obsessively about it.if i could punch that ugly ***** in the face i would feel better but i can't because of my husbands job,its complicated.so i feel very angry that that thing has got away with trying to wreck a 20+ year marriage,look at all the havoc it has caused.my husband could have said no though.....if he really loved me.geuss i can say no cos i love him more than he loves me.what if he is just here for the kids then decides to do it again when they leave home?only a few more years to go.i will be older,probably fatter and maybe even more paranoid.just don't know how to go forward.maybe if i had a one stand FOR MYSELF not revenge then i could think about that instead of him and that thing.:scratchhead: i am really pleased that some of you can put it behind you,you must be made of sterner stuff! i don't want to still be feeling like this in another 4 years time,what a waste!! also maybe cos i was only the second person he slept with before we got married maybe he felt like he was missing out..mid-life crisis? why am i making excuses for him.but i do blame him and freak for doing it,i did'nt force him.not saying i am perfect but all he had to do was come and talk to me instead of discussing OUR marriage with some slag whose never even been married...cos its always had other womens husbands thats why.just goes to show he never really knew me ,otherwise he would have known that i would have done ANYTHING to make him feel better and happy....he did'nt even give me the chance,going between something elses legs was more appealing.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi there, 
stop worrying about letting go and figuring out what and why it all happened.....you said yourself in your last line, he doesn't even know you that you would have done anything for him to be happy and feel better. Well, it's not to late, work on those two things and you will see how things will turn around.....
You have to make a decision for you at this point. The decision is to make your marriage the best one that it can be for YOU not him......Forgiveness is a powerful thing and can open the door to a wonderful life for you and your husband......We all feel most of what you have written but staying there in that place is only that, you will be there the rest of your life if you don't let it go and understand that it is what it is and all the thinking and explaining in the world can change the facts......
You can however change today and tomorrow......that is up to you....my therapist says to just start by trusting him UNTIL.....
By making your decision to make things work and to let go, you can say to yourself I'm doing this and I have control of my future now instead of living in fear and waiting for something to happen....
I say give it a try, stop torturing yourself......work on being the best you. Start feeling good about you and the control you now are taking........Don't let this affair take any more of your life or anymore of your future with your husband, tell him you forgive him and that you love him more than this affair and that you want to have a relationship that both of you can be happy in, tell him if he is willing you will be too, together you can work through anything that comes up........


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## soldiergirl (Sep 2, 2010)

don't know how to start a new thread.but the update is its hetting worse instead of better.he works in a different part of the country and when he is home he is ALWAYS on his friggin laptop.it is part of our job and he uses that as an excuse to being on it all the time.i caught him looking at porn on it.he would rather look at that than come to bed with me.he plats scrabble on facebook but only with young women,no men.he says that the men he played with sent him explicit pictures?? but he was playing with a woman in a see-through blouse! just dont know what to make of him,its like he's a schizo...one minute he is planning a surprise holiday for our wedding anniversary next month,then last night he said he should have gone when he had the chance,he does'nt want me anymore.who does he think he is? i know i go on everyday about it but what does he expect? i would expect to have that if i had done it.its like he does'nt want to even bother trying to build my trust up again.why am i with him??????????


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