# Losing my partner



## JL2 (Aug 3, 2020)

Not sure how to start off, it's a lot of stuff. About 5 months ago, my wifes friend told her she saw me with another woman which started things off. It was in error as it was not me... and for the record I have too much respect for her, and myself to ever do that. This happened at a time in life where she had just lost her father who she was extremely close with. This is 1 of several losses (2 grandparents, 1 uncle, 3 cousins in 5 years) and my father died as well this past year. At a point where she was numb to pain, her friend told her this.... and she felt that the thought of me cheating didn't hurt as much as it should. 

As she recovers from the loss of her father, she is also trying to become stronger mentally. It is if she is committed to the thought that she has to do it alone to prove it to herself.

What can I do? I'm watching my wife, my best friend, the person who I put first for 17yrs and have 2 kids with almost purposely hold back. She told me she wasnt sure she loved me after she thought she should have hurt more from what her friend told her... but when she is in the moment, I love you is at the tip of her tongue and she has caught herself about to say it... but held back. It's like she is too commited to the pot to come back around. 

What am I missing? I'm hurt.... and watching this I can feel myself start to pull back when I dont want to. And it's notthat I don't love and want her, it's like I need to prepare to protect my sanity..

Should I be doing something different? Right now, I'm just trying to give space and not push for anything.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Does your wife, and her friend, know that you were not with another woman? Or does she think you did cheat on her? 

Did the friend have ulterior motivations for telling your wife (could she have purposely made it up?)?

You two would benefit from seeing a marriage counselor.


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## JL2 (Aug 3, 2020)

My wife knows and her friend knows.

Her friend is unhappy in her marriage and some days I do question the motive.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is your wife cheating on you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife might not have reacted with the hurt she might have otherwise because she's in the middle of very deep grief. When dealing with grief, it's not unusual at all for a person who is grieving over a big loss to basically be numb to anything else that happens.

You might bring that up to her and ask her to give it more time so that she does not mistakenly throw away your relationship.'

It also sounds like your wife might need some intense grief counseling and perhaps even antidepressant.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sadly loosing close family members, especially parents, uncles, aunts, grandparents etc is a fact of life. We all go through it. I am not sure what she is trying to prove and but some good marriage counselling may well help you both.


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## JL2 (Aug 3, 2020)

It feels like a great thing is being thrown away. I do not have any evidence that would say she is cheating or has cheated. But, the longer this goes who knows what will take place as she tries to get her confidence back. She is always on social media trying to be valued either thru posts or selfies...She is not really taking in too many suggestions to go and see a councilor as again she is trying to prove to herself she can do it..... but she is confusing numbness for strength in my opinion because I have done that too..

It's a weird situation. We do not fight, we have sex, we hang out, laugh, debate.... it just doesn't line up. I just wish I could say look, ****in snap out of it.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Maybe you need to show her what not having you in her life would really look like. If you’re doing all your normal stuff together she has no idea what really leaving you would be like. 

At least talk to her and tell her how she is making you feel.

ETA: I despise toxic friends.


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## JL2 (Aug 3, 2020)

Not sure how that will turn out... she is still numb and I doubt she would feel anything. But I know enough to know that's not my wife.... and leaving to prove a point feels like scratching my eyes to spite my face. 

Her friend is toxic in my opinion and what an incredible responsibility she had to make sure who she saw was me... same person who will not answer my wife back for days when she tries to make plans... anyways, yes I can think of many things why not to like her but my wife needs to take charge of her own destiny there. Maybe I should talk to a councilor independently... I dont want to give up as I feel I know why we are here as I have continually tried to educate myself on where she is at and why. Just hard being the person who wants and loves while the other is distant. Even harder taking it on the chin like this and not letting my ego snap to avoid what I feel is a huge mistake by her.. maybe it will be all for nothing in the end but I dont want to look back and think I could have done more....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that you getting some individual counseling is a good idea. Work on yourself.

You say that your wife is online much of the time seemingly looking for validation. It's no uncommon for people to do this these days. Social media is very addictive to some.

I wonder if there is something you could to get her off social media. Maybe take a trip somewhere? Something that breaks the normal routine.


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## JL2 (Aug 3, 2020)

And that is where I'm at unfortunatly. Going to be honest, over the last 3 years I have bought atvs, a boat and a trailer to keep us out and happy... away from the overload of tech. Better for the kids as well.... but any break from any of it makes it hard to generate conversation when eyes are down on the phone....

I have been shifting focus to myself and will continue to do so.... 1% improvements.... confident that without my focus on making it work will leave nobody working on it and it will be a slow death... time will tell. Just disappointing...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JL2 said:


> And that is where I'm at unfortunatly. Going to be honest, over the last 3 years I have bought atvs, a boat and a trailer to keep us out and happy... away from the overload of tech. Better for the kids as well.... but any break from any of it makes it hard to generate conversation when eyes are down on the phone....
> 
> I have been shifting focus to myself and will continue to do so.... 1% improvements.... confident that without my focus on making it work will leave nobody working on it and it will be a slow death... time will tell. Just disappointing...


Well, it sounds like focusing on yourself is where you need to focus. You can be supportive of her, she's going to do what she's going to do. I'm sorry. It's heartbreaking to see a good marriage fall part like this.


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