# After almost ten years of marriage and two beautiful kids, my wife cheats



## Father of two

Hi all,

First let me start with this. My spelling is not very good, although I have a collage degree, I still can't get the hang of spelling. 

My wife and I have been married for nine years and some change. We have a two year old and a five year old. We got married for love and waited before bringing children into it. Last night my wife came clean with her cheating. She has been seeing another guy for around 6 months. I'm numb. Have have no idea what to do. She is begging me to stay. All I can think about are my children and how I will never be a true part of their lives. Please someone post up a magic cure for this.....


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## Dad&Hubby

Unfortunately there's no magic cure when your heart is torn out and stomped on. Just time to heal.

There are a number of things in front of you and you're about to get LOADED with advice.

The NUMBER 1 thing to realize right now is you're in shock. You're not going to be thinking with a clear and strategic mind yet that you need to in order to handle such a huge betrayal. So first and foremost...put yourself in the hands of some of the very UNFORTUNATE experts in being a BH.

Number 2. The path to divorce and the path to saving your marriage ARE EXACTLY the same at this stage. You have to put yourself in position of ending your marriage. If you are thinking about saving your marriage, a lot of the advice is going to seem counter productive...it's not. You have to realize that the old marriage you had is dead and gone. YOU have to come to terms with that first, before you can figure out how to handle building the new one.

Third, that path is to detach so you can gain control of yourself again. You need to mentally and emotionally separate yourself from your WW (wayward wife). You need to be indifferent to her (called doing the 180, people will be along to post about it). Even if you want to fix your relationship. You need to fix yourself first in order to do that.

Lastly (for now) you need to realize that your WW cheating is 100% ON HER. DO NOT SAY things like "I wasn't a perfect husband" (ps noone is and their wives don't cheat) "I didn't give her enough attention" (might be true, but why did she cheat instead of telling you and going to counseling etc...there were a million other things she could've done to get your attention besides stuff another man's dingdong inside her). Also it's okay to be PISSED OFF!! If you're not, something is wrong. DO NOT ALLOW YOU OR HER TO PUT BLAME ON YOU!!


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## Hicks

Read as many posts as possible on this site before acting.

You will see what works and what does not work.

Basicaly the answer to your question is Time coupled with true remorse from your wife.


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## Dyokemm

Fatheroftwo,

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet to fix this.

The first thing you must do is get all the details of the A, and then take the proper steps to make sure it is truly over and cannot be restarted.

Find out, if she has not already told you, the following:

- Who is the POSOM??
- If he is married or has a girlfriend?
- How long has this been going on?
= Why did she choose to confess?

You must expose this POS to his BW/SO if he has one. This will help ensure the A is truly over and help prevent it from restarting by making this scumbag scramble to save his own a** instead of plotting how to bed your WW.

If this was a co-worker, your WW must switch jobs if you are going to have any shot at fixing your M. She cannot have daily contact with POS if you want a shot at this.

If her confession was prompted because POS dumped her, then that means she is turning to you as a Plan B. Not only is this an insult to you that you have to decide if you can live with, it presents the extra danger of the A restarting if POS comes sniffing around again. Hence why you must expose this scumbag and get your WW to switch jobs if its a co-worker

Insist on immediate IC for her so she can begin to figure out why she could have possibly done this horrible thing to you and her family and work on setting personal boundaries to make sure it never happens again.

Insist on complete transparency for her electronic communications. You must have all passwords and the ability to check up on her if necessary until you can trust her again.

Insist on MC so that you two can work on any issues/problems in your M and help with getting through this horrible pile of crap she dumped in the relationship.

Expose the A to both of your families and close friends you have. This will help gain support for your M and help to hold her accountable if she starts blameshifting her A towards you by trying to rewrite the M history to make you seem horrible, and also helps to prevent her from continuing the A or starting another one because everyone is now aware of her actions.


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## Jellybeans

Is he married? 

Why did she confess?


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## Chris989

Hi,

You need to end the affair or make her leave if she doesn't. Ending it does not mean that she *says* it's ended. Understand that cheaters lie, then lie again, then lie about the lies. You don't have to read many threads on here to realise how outrageous the lies they will tell are. 

Find out who the OM is - remember just asking your "wife" is likely to result in a lie, so get evidence. Make sure he knows - in no uncertain terms - that he is no longer to have any contact with your wife.

In the first instance, this should come from her. You need to check she has done this by email, letter, text, whatever. I would back this up with clear contact from you.

Once this has been done, you should set boundaries.

This is very, very early days. Do yourself a favour and read some stories (mine is in my sig). You will go through a roller coaster of emotions and experiences.

Whatever she has told you, imagine the worst case scenario:it will be true.

Good luck, and keep posting.


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## Dad&Hubby

Jellybeans said:


> Is he married?
> 
> Why did she confess?


This is critical. I didn't write this in because I could easily see my post becoming 20 points LOL.


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## Thound

what is her motive for confessing? Was she about to be outed? Did the OM dump her? If these are the reasons she confessed, you are plan B. Dont be plan B.

If she confessed because of guilt or she wants to make the marriag work, then you have something to work with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

Make sure not to rugs weep the affair.

One good way is to make sure you expose the affair to the other mans wife - do this all on your own, Don't tell your wife you are going to do it, don't believe her is she says the wife knows, or is crazy, or that he's not married. 

Next, the situation that let them meet and have contact has to end. If they work together, you wife leaves the job, or the club or the web.

Next, dont forgive before she's actually made changes and has actually ended the affair.

Make sure to put checks like voice activated recorders on place to cach the affair continuing.


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## Jellybeans

Dad&Hubby said:


> This is critical. I didn't write this in because I could easily see my post becoming 20 points LOL.


Haha! They really are some of the most important questions/answers when dealing with an affair! :rofl:


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## Father of two

My wife and I had a couple fights about the guy she was/is sleeping with. She lied when I confronted her about all the late night texts. She said it was just friends and communication is required as they were on the same team in school. She quit her job to go back to school. Fast forward about five weeks and I happen to see an email from the guy with "Love you" inclosed. At this point there is no reason for the contact as they are no longer going to the same collage. She final admits to a emotional affair, and after three days of working it out. I ask for her phone so I can "recover" some of the old texts. (She was sexting as well) She finally comes clean.... I think? How should I know at this point???? 

Well after finding out about the the actual affair. I confronted the guy and his wife (they have a 8 year old son too.) I was as polite as possible and broke no laws. knocked on the door and just talked to his wife. She is in denial, he denied everything and said I was a lair. I had my wife record her confession on my phone for her. 

I guess I might have reacted, but I needed to tell his wife and I was afraid of how thing might play out after the numbness wore off.


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## Father of two

wow this forum is crazy with activity...... I need a few to reply.

THANKS!!!!!


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## Father of two

Also please go easy on the initialism. I have no idea what they mean.


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## workindad

Post him on cheaterville 
Share the sext messages from her phone with his wife
Get tested for stds take care of your health
If you have interest in r, insist on a polygraph. Spend a few minutes on google and you will find places near you and costs. Pay attention to her reaction and follow thru. Expect a parking lot confession. Hint cheaters are liars. Your wife is no different. 

Google paternity test for your kids. You need to check them. It is cheap easy and painless she does not need to participate. Pm me if you need help

See a lawyer to check your options

Put very little on her words. Pay attention to her actions. She will continue to contact om if for no other reason that to set their stories. 

Good luck
Wd
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

you did right by exposing early. There is a newbie link at the top it will give you a list of what means what.


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## livinfree

*Do not leave your home.*


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## theroad

Good that you expose OMW. Now expose WW parents.

Then get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. This book contains many steps need to keep the affair dead and how to recover the marriage.


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## Father of two

I just got off the phone with his wife, she has accepted the situation.


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## Father of two

theroad said:


> Good that you expose OMW. Now expose WW parents.
> 
> Then get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. This book contains many steps need to keep the affair dead and how to recover the marriage.


Her parents? why?


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## Acabado

Father of two said:


> I just got off the phone with his wife, she has accepted the situation.


What does it mean?


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## totallyconfused

Cheaters thrive in a world when the affair is "separate" from their "real life".

When exposed to their spouse, they pay a bunch of "marriage consequences", but not a lot of "social consequences". If the other spouse agrees to try to make it work, they basically have the opportunity to start cheating again or never stop.

When outed publicly (i.e. to their parents, the other betrayed spouse), it's now a thing, not hidden. Affairs thrive on secrecy. The more light, the quicker they die. They are the guilty party who may have caused the divorce, the split time where grandkids don't see grandparents, the trouble, etc.


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## tom67

Father of two said:


> Her parents? why?


To see if she's truly remorsefull.


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## Hicks

Father of two said:


> Her parents? why?


Affairs are no fun when exposed.


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## harrybrown

You need to look long-term on some issues. You could divorce and that is a good option. You could try to work it out with her.

So she made you number two. She did many things with great motivation to cheat on you and deceive you. She put a lot of effort and thought into what she did with the OM. How can she make it up to you? And what are the consequences of cheating? If you do work it out with her, what will stop her from cheating again on you? What are the consequences? Get an agreement that if you do reconcile, that if she cheats again, she gets nothing in the divorce. Has she stopped all contact? Has she given you all her passwords? Has she planned things for you with more energy and love than she did for her AP?


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## mahike

Why the parents? This is exposure. When your wife was and still maybe involved in this A, she may have felt some guilt but she was in the land of Rainbows and Unicorns with this POS OM. Exposure if you intend to R will help insure she stays on the straight and narrow path since you, her parents and others will be giving her the WTF. If you decide to D then you have everyone on the same page and no rewriting of history to make you the bad guy

I have not seen anyone tell you this yet but you need to tell your wife to get tested for STD's and you need to go as well. You may be tempted to believe her when she says it was always protected sex but lets be real she has been lying to you and spread her legs for another man. No trusting anything at this point.

You need get yourself into IC right away. No matter what you need to realize your old marriage is dead and it will not come back to life. It took me a long to wake up to that fact. If you do R then it will be done by building a new marriage.

Also what ever you believed about your wife that is gone as well. She chose to sleep with someone else, you did not force her she was not raped and that is really hard to deal with, I know.

I am sorry you are going through this nightmare if you listen to the advice here and get some help you will get through this quicker and healthier. Most of us fought the advice and it cost us.

Cheaters have a playbook and they follow it. So does healing.


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## weightlifter

Quoting Master Kan: You have done well grasshopper.

Can we get a short timeline here for clarity?
Approx Class start?
Approx EA start?
Approx PA start?
Approx number of times?
DDay EA confession date
How long until she "came clean" date
Where? (generically)

You should be able to get the above answers. 

As far as more ethereal answers like "what were you feeling?" Females compartmentalize to a massive degree. She is likely telling the truth when she says I dont know.

As for reconciling... Too early to tell. Ive seen better (RTBP's wife) Ive seen worse. (See poster Unkn0wn, Hard to detach or oh jeez who was the dude whose wife was banging her boss who moved away who never stopped pining for him. Or for that matter who is that army dude who wont get his daughter DNA tested tho the timing is MUCH better for the OM?)

As for is it still going on?: Here are is the standard set of instructions I copy paste. You might be past alot of it but here it is:

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or the aisle with the fasteners like screws.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. 

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. NEVER GIVE UP YOUR ELECTRONIC EVIDENCE. They were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" The dont use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

IMHO the best path is two vars for verification and a poly test to force a parking lot confession.


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## weightlifter

Oh and echoing.

Its not your fault
DONT chase her

Dont blame yourself. Ive never seen a class given that explains how to deal with an affair.

You are among brothers and a few sisters who know what you feel. Turnera, Ele and Alte to name a few can provide good female insight.


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## Twistedheart

I'm curious why all of the sudden she has confessed. Had I not played detective and found proof of my wifes affair, she would have went to her grave and never told me.

Which is why we are separated today. She is only and will only ever be sorry for getting caught, and not the 8 month long affair itself.

The road you have just turned onto is long and painful. But it is an experiancing one. Whichever path you choose may actually end up the better one for you in the long run. Goodluck!


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## bandit.45

Exposing the affair is like slicing open a necrotic puss filled wound. It exposes the corruption to the light and air, makes the wayward take responsibility for what they have done, and levels the playing field to an extent. The pressure she will feel from family and friends may override whatever lingering affections she has for the other man. 

Do not forgive your wife.....yet. Make her earn your forgiveness. She should be moving heaven and earth to make you feel like you are number 1, and not her fallback option. If she is not doing this then her desire for true reconciliation is not real. 

She needs intensive independent counseling to get to the heart of why she allowed her boundaries to fall. She needs to learn techniques for self control and how to affair proof her marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ovid

Exposing the A kills the fantasy. Once the fantasy is over the A is usually over too. 

Once the A is over it doesn't mean the M is saved. It only clears the way for the two of you to decide if there is something left to save without a third party confusing the situation.


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## Father of two

She claims after the excitement of the cheat wore off she wasn't as interested and started ling to him as well. She claims (I doubt) that she wanted to end it before I found out. She has given me full access to all devices, and has confirmed that no condom was used. 

One minute I feel like I can do this, We can recover and grow, the next..... Well I see no hope. Trying to find a counselor to see us.

She confessed when I wanted her Iphone to recover deleted text messages. I showed her how well it worked on a old phone and asked for her......


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## Truthseeker1

Father of two said:


> *She claims after the excitement of the cheat wore off she wasn't as interested and started ling to him as well.* She claims (I doubt) that she wanted to end it before I found out. She has given me full access to all devices, and has *confirmed that no condom was used.*
> 
> One minute I feel like I can do this, We can recover and grow, the next..... Well I see no hope. Trying to find a counselor to see us.
> 
> She confessed when I wanted her Iphone to recover deleted text messages. I showed her how well it worked on a old phone and asked for her......


This is a long journey and you are only beginning...your wife has done incalculable damage to you, your marriage and your entire family..don't rush to R or D but decide what is best for YOU now..her needs at this point don't matter..she's made her bed now she can lay in it...

When cheaters don't use birth control I'd like to know what the hell they were thinking...really..cheating is bad enough now you expose your spouse to STDs or becoming pregnant with the AP's child....:slap:


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## chillymorn

Father of two said:


> She claims after the excitement of the cheat wore off she wasn't as interested and started ling to him as well. She claims (I doubt) that she wanted to end it before I found out. She has given me full access to all devices, and has confirmed that no condom was used.
> 
> One minute I feel like I can do this, We can recover and grow, the next..... Well I see no hope. Trying to find a counselor to see us.
> 
> She confessed when I wanted her Iphone to recover deleted text messages. I showed her how well it worked on a old phone and asked for her......


what device did you use to recover old texts?


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## Father of two

tubes tied and a vasectomy, a cheating match made in heaven. 

I don't think she has realized that the other guy could have done this before to other people. The idea that she has brought home diseases is simply too much for me to think about right now. 

My biggest concern is how we hold it together for our two kids. Our olds (5 years) knows something is up.....


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## Dyokemm

I think it is normal to feel torn in both directions like this OP.

You want to reconcile for the sake of the love you have for your children, and even that which you have for your traitorous wife.

On the other hand (and I don't think there is ever really a way to get around this problem for a man) choosing to stay with a WW and reconcile always involves swallowing a bitter pill of a blow to your pride and ego. She has s**t all over you and your love for her, and you are extending her another chance instead of standing up for yourself and taking actions to defend your own self-respect.

That's why so many guys take this so hard. It almost takes on the aura of self-hatred to allow her to get away with doing this to you.

Some guys can fight through this feeling and find a way back to fixing their battered marriage.

Others can't and have to walk away to be able to live with themselves.

This is so new to you, that of course you feel pulled in both directions on a daily basis.


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## SadSamIAm

Father of two said:


> She claims after the excitement of the cheat wore off she wasn't as interested and started ling to him as well. She claims (I doubt) that she wanted to end it before I found out. She has given me full access to all devices, and has confirmed that no condom was used.
> 
> One minute I feel like I can do this, We can recover and grow, the next..... Well I see no hope. Trying to find a counselor to see us.
> 
> She confessed when I wanted her Iphone to recover deleted text messages. I showed her how well it worked on a old phone and asked for her......


She needs to feel consequences. I would suggest full exposure (to her parents and siblings and yours) and maybe even separation for a few weeks.

If there aren't tough enough consequences, then next time she has the opportunity, she will cheat again. She needs to realize that the relationship will be over if it happens again. More than just saying it.


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## Truthseeker1

Father of two said:


> tubes tied and a vasectomy, a cheating match made in heaven.
> 
> I don't think she has realized that the other guy could have done this before to other people. *The idea that she has brought home diseases is simply too much for me to think about right now. *
> 
> My biggest concern is how we hold it together for our two kids. Our olds (5 years) knows something is up.....


She needs to be tested for STD's unfortunately STDs do not wait for you to be ready....your wife has to start doing some serious heavy lifting...


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## bandit.45

Ask her how many times she had sex with him and then came home and had duty sex with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH

Stay because you still want the marriage and your wife. If you're doing it for the kids, divorce and move on.

Growing up with 2 unhappy parents is not a good thing for kids to go through, I know. Not my own marriage but my parents, my uncles, family, etc...The generation prior to ours (we're 1st gen to the US) men cheated, it was the norm, it was accepted, the wives knew it, the wives stayed no matter what. It was all about family for the wives.

Protect your man and family above all else. Adultery, abuse, etc...it was rampart with almost any family. To us it was the norm (luckily my father wasn't an abuser), just part of life.

My mom stayed for us kids and she's been through alot. I guess the women from that generation really are old school, just like women from the 50's here in the US.

Took just 1 gen though for the girls to realize you don't have to stay. But also took 1 gen to wives to cheat like jack rabbits on their husbands too. So it cuts both ways.


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## hereinthemidwest

weightlifter said:


> Quoting Master Kan: You have done well grasshopper.
> 
> Can we get a short timeline here for clarity?
> Approx Class start?
> Approx EA start?
> Approx PA start?
> Approx number of times?
> DDay EA confession date
> How long until she "came clean" date
> Where? (generically)
> 
> You should be able to get the above answers.
> 
> As far as more ethereal answers like "what were you feeling?" Females compartmentalize to a massive degree. She is likely telling the truth when she says I dont know.
> 
> As for reconciling... Too early to tell. Ive seen better (RTBP's wife) Ive seen worse. (See poster Unkn0wn, Hard to detach or oh jeez who was the dude whose wife was banging her boss who moved away who never stopped pining for him. Or for that matter who is that army dude who wont get his daughter DNA tested tho the timing is MUCH better for the OM?)
> 
> As for is it still going on?: Here are is the standard set of instructions I copy paste. You might be past alot of it but here it is:
> 
> Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar?
> 
> If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.
> 
> Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.
> 
> So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
> 
> NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.
> 
> Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.
> 
> Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
> Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
> Set VOR "on" see page 38
> See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
> Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT
> Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.
> 
> Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
> This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
> also
> Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
> The velcro is usually in the fabric section or the aisle with the fasteners like screws.
> 
> Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
> attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat.
> 
> ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
> I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.
> 
> Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.
> 
> Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.
> 
> Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.
> 
> If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. NEVER GIVE UP YOUR ELECTRONIC EVIDENCE. They were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!
> 
> If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.
> 
> The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with.
> 
> Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" The dont use their main phone for cheating purposes.
> 
> There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.
> 
> Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
> Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex
> 
> IMHO the best path is two vars for verification and a poly test to force a parking lot confession.


Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.
I wished I had known all about this when my h started his affair. This amazes me. You should be for hire!


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Yes, read enough threads and they all are "bored," "it ran its course" and the cheater wanted to "end it."

Good luck you have a long road ahead. Be strong and don't accept blame for the things you couldn't control.


----------



## illwill

File or toss her out. I am not saying divorce her and you may only need to toss her out for a few days, but your response for this be devastating.


----------



## Dad&Hubby

Father of two said:


> tubes tied and a vasectomy, a cheating match made in heaven.
> 
> I don't think she has realized that the other guy could have done this before to other people. The idea that she has brought home diseases is simply too much for me to think about right now.
> 
> My biggest concern is how we hold it together for our two kids. Our olds (5 years) knows something is up.....


Hi Father of Two. I'm father of 3 - 1/2 (one on the way).

My two oldest were 1 and 4 when my divorce process started. (My marriage to my ex was already in the crapper before I found out about the affair). When it comes to the kids, here's the key.

Focus on keeping yourself strong, don't think of others. You'll be the best YOU can be for them by focusing on you.

Also do not allow the kids to dictate your actions (in terms of "I can't divorce because what it will do to my kids") They will be better off in two loving houses than 1 house full of venom and resentment.

I'm not saying to R and I'm not saying to divorce. I'm simply saying you need to have the ability to choose what is best for you, and you're going to jump back and forth on that decision based on the moment. 

Also, whatever you can do to avoid external things about affairs (triggers) avoid them. You're going to trigger at the smallest little thing. And it SUCKS!


----------



## Chris989

*It is very likely they will take the affair underground. *

Listen to Weightlifter's advice.

So far, you seem to have played things well. It's how your wife acts is now the acid test, but first you need to make 100% sure that the affair is over.

Your feelings will be on a rollercoaster for many, many months. You are deep in shock. It is probably the most traumatic thing you will ever experience.

What is your wife doing? How is she acting? Is she answering your questions? What is her demeanor?


----------



## Father of two

Chris989 said:


> *It is very likely they will take the affair underground. *
> 
> Listen to Weightlifter's advice.
> 
> So far, you seem to have played things well. It's how your wife acts is now the acid test, but first you need to make 100% sure that the affair is over.
> 
> Your feelings will be on a rollercoaster for many, many months. You are deep in shock. It is probably the most traumatic thing you will ever experience.
> 
> What is your wife doing? How is she acting? Is she answering your questions? What is her demeanor?


Disconnected, She answers any question with what could be the truth. No way to kick her out. That would be too much for my kids. NO WAY will I come between my daughter and her mom.


----------



## bandit.45

Father of two said:


> Disconnected, She answers any question with what could be the truth.* No way to kick her out. *That would be too much for my kids. NO WAY will I come between my daughter and her mom.


Why?


----------



## Father of two

bandit.45 said:


> Why?


My daughter is five, too young to understand any of this. it will effect her for the rest of her life. I will not let the choices my wife has made ruin my daughters childhood.


----------



## illwill

Your wife suspected you would stay for the children, it informed her decision to cheat. And now that she knows for sure, she will do it again.


----------



## Hope1964

First of all, get STD tested yourself and tell your wife you will not be having sex with her until she shows you in writing the results of HER STD tests.

Secondly, DO NOT make any permanent decisions for at least 6 months. It takes 2-5 years to recover from being cheated on.

DO NOT take kicking her out off the table. She will use this against you. You are NOT ruining your daughters life if you kick her cheating mother to the curb - STOP thinking that way. I took my kids 4 mos 2 yrs and 4 yrs and left my cheating first husband, and today they are wonderful adults, very well adjusted and contributing members of society. Doing what's best does NOT mean you're ruining your daughters life, and by saying you would be doing that, you're implying that people like myself who did what they needed to and DID so, ruined their childrens lives. Just stop.

The fact that your wife is not begging you and willing to do ANYTHING to please you right now speaks volumes. She is NOT remorseful. She's just sorry she got caught, and she's waiting for you to let your guard down so she can resume what she was doing. Do NOT believe a single word she says right now.

A couple of links for you

My Story

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


----------



## warlock07

So the OM was someone you were always uncomfortable with ?


----------



## Chris989

Father of two said:


> Disconnected, She answers any question with what could be the truth. No way to kick her out. That would be too much for my kids. NO WAY will I come between my daughter and her mom.


She came between her and her daughter by what she did.

Just an observation that, without real consequences, the affair *will* reignite - even if it has stopped - which I doubt.

The only thing you can be certain of right now, is that she cannot be trusted in any way, shape or form.

We are all going on about this because it is astounding just how dishonest your spouse can be - and it goes against everything you have come to believe in to understand the depth of the lies.

edit: I just re read your few posts and I would bet a lot of $ that the affair has *not* stopped. Your wife sounds like she is acting exactly like mine did after the first Dday. Within 2 days she was sleeping with the OM again. All the time, texting me to say how sorry she was and what a great man I am and how our future is together now.


----------



## Lovemytruck

illwill said:


> Your wife suspected you would stay for the children, it informed her decision to cheat. And now that she knows for sure, she will do it again.


Just catching up. This :iagree:

Many cheaters hedge their bets using kids or finances as a way to keep you in their pocket.

I would guess that most cheaters feel that they won't get caught, and if they do, they have a very "nice" spouse that won't divorce them anyway.

Sorry man. This sucks. You have been given great advice by the previous posters.

Most of us have lived this experience too. Spend some time reading the countless threads, and you begin to realize that there is almost always a predictable pattern.


----------



## barbados

Father of two said:


> My daughter is five, too young to understand any of this. it will effect her for the rest of her life. I will not let the choices my wife has made ruin my daughters childhood.


Yet your WW, the woman that gave birth to them, didn't care about them, or you, when she started having sex with another man, did she ?

Add to the fact that your youngest is only 2 years old, and I think you have a particularly cold hearted and selfish woman you are dealing with. You should keep that in mind moving forward.

Whatever thought or feelings you had about your WW before D-Day, this is the REALITY of who she is as a person.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Father of two said:


> My daughter is five, too young to understand any of this. it will effect her for the rest of her life. I will not let the choices my wife has made ruin my daughters childhood.


Stop using the kid as a crutch for your decision. If you want to Reconcile do it because you want to, same with a divorce. Your daughter's childhood is based on your happiness or lack there of. Children don't understand many things and adults still make tough decisions.


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## TDSC60

Father of two said:


> My daughter is five, too young to understand any of this. it will effect her for the rest of her life. I will not let the choices my wife has made ruin my daughters childhood.


Too late - your wife already made that decision when she brought another man into the family. It will not ruin your kids childhood but it will definitely have an effect on it no matter how much you think you can control it.

You really need to stop using your child as an excuse. You need to focus on you and your child. Leave Mom out of it. Take the kid out - just you and her - no wife.

After all - this is what your wife wanted - a life without you and the child to complicate her cheating lifestyle. Give her what she was looking for. Show her that you and the child will be perfectly fine without her in the picture.

You will be surprised at how much fun your child will have without the Mom around. Like you said, kids have a sixth sense about things like this. They do not understand what is going on but they "feel" the change around the house anytime your wife is there.

Like one poster said. Kids are resilient, they survive. Kids will do much better with parents separated than when two spouses are not loving and civil to each other in the same house.


----------



## happyman64

Father of two said:


> My wife and I had a couple fights about the guy she was/is sleeping with. She lied when I confronted her about all the late night texts. She said it was just friends and communication is required as they were on the same team in school. She quit her job to go back to school. Fast forward about five weeks and I happen to see an email from the guy with "Love you" inclosed. At this point there is no reason for the contact as they are no longer going to the same collage. She final admits to a emotional affair, and after three days of working it out. I ask for her phone so I can "recover" some of the old texts. (She was sexting as well) She finally comes clean.... I think? How should I know at this point????
> 
> Well after finding out about the the actual affair. I confronted the guy and his wife (they have a 8 year old son too.) I was as polite as possible and broke no laws. knocked on the door and just talked to his wife. She is in denial, he denied everything and said I was a lair. I had my wife record her confession on my phone for her.
> 
> I guess I might have reacted, but I needed to tell his wife and I was afraid of how thing might play out after the numbness wore off.


good job with the confrontation.


----------



## happyman64

Father of two said:


> My daughter is five, too young to understand any of this. it will effect her for the rest of her life. I will not let the choices my wife has made ruin my daughters childhood.


So I know this is all fresh and overwhelming in your mind right now.

When you are ready and calm what consequences should your wife face for cheating, lying and possibly giving you an STD???

SO you do not want to separate your wife from your daughter. That is understandable.

But when you get angry might it be better to tell your wife on Friday to pack a bag and get lost for the weekend???

Give you time to think.

How old are you two?

Hm


----------



## Thorburn

To add to all of this, cheaters lie. What if she starts up again? What if she decides she loves this man and you come home to an empty house and no kids? The bank account is drained, credit cards are maxed out, and her parents love the new guy.

You think it can't happen? Think again. It happens all too often. I get it that you don't want to ruin your kid's life. You won't your wife will and started to already.

Exposure to her family, your family, the guy's family is all to kill this affair. Post the guy on cheaterville.com. If you are going to try to work things out with your wife don't post her.

But, don't let her know what you are doing when you expose. If your wife is truely sorry, then now is the time to get everything from her.

Don't move out and don't kick her out.

It will suc* big time for a while. We have been there and some of us are working on our M. It is not fun and games my friend.

My wife lied to me so many times over the past years it is just sickening. She told me she ended her affair, she did not. I continued. I could tell you all kinds of sick things she did to me. i went through over a year of hel*, bought a second home, etc all the while she was lying to me and I thought she was sincere.

She is now on the straight and narrow, confessed everything. I had to prove some of it and she was telling me the truth this time.

We are very jaded here. Very suspicious group. But we went through it and are still going through it. And we learned the hard way. Some of us did not listen, did not want to believe what we were being told and got burnt in the process, came back and learned.

Take your time but if your wife is sincere she will give you everything you need and things can work out. But do not let her off the hook and do not let your children dictate what you do or do not do. Your wife can turn that around in a minute. If she takes the kids then what? If she leaves you with the kids and goes off to Japan, then what? Think it can't happen then think again.


----------



## Tover26

Good job tracking your intuition through the EA part to confession in just 3 days. Nice. Took my wife 9 months.

Good job confronting the other man's wife. That's exactly what I was hoping to see you say. 

So she confessed because she probably knew you were about to catch her. While not as strong as her ending it on her own, it's a lot stronger than what a lot of us have seen our wayward spouses do. 

So far, you're doing the right stuff. I have two young daughters as well. Tread lightly with your wife around the kids and try to limit confrontations to when they aren't around.

Fasten your seat belt because your life is going to be a roller coaster for some time. But, you'll make it through this. You're strong enough and you have two kids who need you to be strong for them.


----------



## Father of two

we are 31. the man she was with was 46


----------



## Chris989

Father of two said:


> we are 31. the man she was with was 46


Still with. Until proven otherwise. Sorry.


----------



## Father of two

She says she wants to fight to make this work, and her actions are backing that up at the moment. I am extremely paranoid that she will start seeing him again. I CAN NOT live through another episode.


----------



## Father of two

how should I have her prove it?


----------



## Chris989

Father of two said:


> how should I have her prove it?


She can't.
[deleted by request of op]


----------



## workindad

Father of two said:


> how should I have her prove it?


Start with a polygraph. have her write a timeline of complete disclosure. then ask if she left anything out.

Also, ask if there are any other cheating episodes that you didn't catch. You don't know what you don't know.

Also, paternity test the kids.

Get your information, then decide what you want.


----------



## tdwal

Father of two said:


> how should I have her prove it?


Polygraph, the mention of it will scare the heck out of her and probably trigger a confession if there is one to obtain, but follow through even if she confesses. Sometimes they will admit a little and not admit everything.


----------



## Hope1964

How can she prove it? I posted a link to my story earlier - read it. My husband is one of the very few truly remorseful cheating spouses on here. Also, the only way she can prove it is through time. It's a very gradual process. Right now, at the beginning, she SHOULD be willing to chop off her left tit for you if you ask. She should be offering to let you see every single thing she does on her phone and computer, for you to track her via GPS, for you to go everywhere with her, whatever it takes. If she doesn't offer and you ask, she should be very apologetic that she didn't offer it herself. She should NEVER balk at such requests - that is a huge red flag if she does.

As time goes on your need to track and spy will diminish, but she still must never close you out, ever again. She should WANT you to snoop, because that will prove to you she's being a good girl. And if she falters even one teeny tiny bit, she has to come to you first. 

Has anyone mentioned a no contact letter to OM yet?


----------



## Tover26

Okay. Just read the thread. Yeah, fasten your seatbelt. I feel for you when you said that sometimes you feel like things will work out and other times you don't. You're going to feel a lot of different things. You're going to hear and read a lot of different things as well. 

At the end of the day, you and your wife came together as a family for a variety of reasons. Divorce and separation are a lot easier to do when kids aren't involved but here's a truth you can verify for yourself... divorce rates are very high. If you leave, you have no guarantee that any of this gets better and in the meantime, your feelings and thoughts about the Affair will still be there. 

I'm with Bandit on this one. You need to verify that she is telling the truth. As time passes with verified truth, you still won't trust her, but maybe you get to a place where the passage of time feels safe. The farther you get from her lying, the more clarity you and she will both have. 

I didn't get to have any of that but I sure prayed for it. My verifications led to more bad stuff. I did the polygraph. We have a postnup now. The consequences and sacrifices to me personally have been brutal and I pray to God that someday I'll feel it was worth it. Amazingly, when I feel broken and spent and shattered into pieces, there is a resevoir inside that gets me to work that keeps me going. I have to believe that it means Something; if it means nothing at all then I chose to force it to mean that my daughters will have a normal childhood... and that got me through some very dark times.

My daughters were 9 and 5 when, in front of them, my wife demanded a divorce in response to my questioning some suspicious behaviors. They remember it, but both of them (like most kids) are surprisingly resilient. Even if it isn't safe, warm, and trusting with your spouse, if you can have it be that way between you and your kids, then at least they win. And, yes,... you'll choke on the hypocrisy of your wife spending quality time with the kids. 

If nothing else, the most sensical thing I've seen on your thread is to verify what she is telling you about it. After that, don't victimize yourself by jumping to permanent and lasting decisions right now. Your wife wasn't thinking clearly about your family during her affair and - in a cruel twist of fate for you as the betrayed - your ability to think clearly is devastated. Give yourself time. Find a safe place. I have a few places that have always felt safe to me. I'm in such a place right now writing this. My wayward wife is revieiwing homework with my daughters. The youngest is riding her bike and I can hear her yelling to her sister from the street. The oldest is tattle telling because neither have practiced piano. For right now, I feel safe. My daughters don't know my wife cheated. This moment between them in a family that loves them would not be possible had I left 2 years ago.


----------



## Thorburn

She proves it like my wife has done since May. By word, actions and deeds. Also I have put a VAR in her car from time to time, and had her phone's GPS activated and insist she has it on her at all times. Not 100%, and there have been some anxious days when the GPS did not work due to lack of signal. But she has been very open with where she is and being totally accountable.


----------



## Father of two

Just found out that our son was home when he came over and the other guy transferred with her to a new school and has two classes with her.


----------



## Father of two

Thanks for all the help. I will use it.


----------



## illwill

She can prove it by her reaction to your consequences. Will she confess to both your parents? Will she leave for the weekend so you can think clearly? Is she willing to call the om wife to apologize? Would she sign a post nump? Woild she toss anything she wore during her affair? Would she do all these things without blameshifting onto you? Most importantly did she come up with these things on her own? It is her job to fix this.


----------



## illwill

Make this thread private. Contact the mods.


----------



## Shaggy

Father of two said:


> Just found out that our son was home when he came over and the other guy transferred with her to a new school and has two classes with her.


It's fun finding our new facts isn't it?

So obviously school has to stop for her, as the guy will be there.

Sorry, Mrs?OP you should have thought about what it will cost you when to choose to cheat.


----------



## krismimo

Oh my god this so reminds me another thread of a guy who wouldn't kick out his wife and rug wept the entire affair for 2 years...


----------



## Chris989

Father of two said:


> Also my wife has a like to this thread, My stupid mistake. Please take all mention of [deleted].


Maybe edit this post?


----------



## nuclearnightmare

Tover26 said:


> Okay. Just read the thread. Yeah, fasten your seatbelt. I feel for you when you said that sometimes you feel like things will work out and other times you don't. You're going to feel a lot of different things. You're going to hear and read a lot of different things as well.
> 
> At the end of the day, you and your wife came together as a family for a variety of reasons. Divorce and separation are a lot easier to do when kids aren't involved but here's a truth you can verify for yourself... divorce rates are very high. If you leave, you have no guarantee that any of this gets better and in the meantime, your feelings and thoughts about the Affair will still be there.
> 
> I'm with Bandit on this one. You need to verify that she is telling the truth. As time passes with verified truth, you still won't trust her, but maybe you get to a place where the passage of time feels safe. The farther you get from her lying, the more clarity you and she will both have.
> 
> I didn't get to have any of that but I sure prayed for it. My verifications led to more bad stuff. I did the polygraph. We have a postnup now. The consequences and sacrifices to me personally have been brutal and I pray to God that someday I'll feel it was worth it. Amazingly, when I feel broken and spent and shattered into pieces, there is a resevoir inside that gets me to work that keeps me going. I have to believe that it means Something; if it means nothing at all then I chose to force it to mean that my daughters will have a normal childhood... and that got me through some very dark times.
> 
> My daughters were 9 and 5 when, in front of them, my wife demanded a divorce in response to my questioning some suspicious behaviors. They remember it, but both of them (like most kids) are surprisingly resilient. Even if it isn't safe, warm, and trusting with your spouse, if you can have it be that way between you and your kids, then at least they win. And, yes,... you'll choke on the hypocrisy of your wife spending quality time with the kids.
> 
> If nothing else, the most sensical thing I've seen on your thread is to verify what she is telling you about it. After that, don't victimize yourself by jumping to permanent and lasting decisions right now. Your wife wasn't thinking clearly about your family during her affair and - in a cruel twist of fate for you as the betrayed - your ability to think clearly is devastated. Give yourself time. Find a safe place. I have a few places that have always felt safe to me. I'm in such a place right now writing this. My wayward wife is revieiwing homework with my daughters. The youngest is riding her bike and I can hear her yelling to her sister from the street. The oldest is tattle telling because neither have practiced piano. For right now, I feel safe. My daughters don't know my wife cheated. This moment between them in a family that loves them would not be possible had I left 2 years ago.


My God. How willing betrayed spouses are to accept continued humiliation by "reconciling" with their tormentors........
A BH protects his family by staying married to a who..re??

And yes I'm being more judgemental than I have a right to be. But I assume you have already forgiven me......


----------



## bandit.45

My gut tells me OP's wife is still in contact with her lover. 

This isn't going to end well.


----------



## Chris989

nuclearnightmare said:


> My God. How willing betrayed spouses are to accept continued humiliation by "reconciling" with their tormentors........
> A BH protects his family by staying married to a who..re??
> 
> And yes I'm being more judgemental than I have a right to be. But I assume you have already forgiven me......


Well we don't have all of the answers like you do.

I'll pm you next time I make a big decision in my life. Hopefully you will know about that too.


----------



## Chris989

bandit.45 said:


> My gut tells me OP's wife is still in contact with her lover.
> 
> This isn't going to end well.


100% they've gone underground.


----------



## Chaparral

Did I miss something? There were two guys?


----------



## Chaparral

Btw, its way too earl to be talking divorce or reconcilliation. You don't even know what has/is happening yet.


How do you know she hs seen this thread?


----------



## Dyokemm

OP,

What is she telling you about how this POS managed to meet your son?

Did he come to your house"

And what is she saying for how he miraculously ended up in two of her classes at the new school?

How did that happen if she is not still in communication with him?

This POS needs to be put on notice that if he doesn't stop interfering in your family, you are gonna do everything possible to ensure he regrets it for the rest of his life.


----------



## Dyokemm

"Just found out that our son was home when he came over and the other guy transferred with her to a new school and has two classes with her."

Wait a minute.

OP, I'm confused.

Are there now TWO POSOM's you know about?


----------



## nuclearnightmare

Chris989 said:


> Well we don't have all of the answers like you do.
> 
> I'll pm you next time I make a big decision in my life. Hopefully you will know about that too.


I deserved that.

Should people get what they deserve, in a marriage partner?


----------



## Father of two

Ok, maybe some clarification. I suspected my wife of cheating and approached her about the texting (all that I had at the time). She transferred schools not due to him but for more classes. I confront her again three days ago after seeing an "Love you" email, she claims a emotional affair. She claims she breaks it off with him. I ask for the phone to verify. She breaks down and tells me everything.... well almost......
They had sex, there was sexting, he came to our house and they had sex in my bed. 

Then later, as we continue to talk over the course of the day. She finally tells me two more pieces of the puzzle. He transferred with her and they share two classes and been sleeping before and after class. And my son was asleep when he came over. 

At this point I'm done digging. There is nothing else that would really shock me or make it worse. It is obvious to me she fell in love with this guy with no end in site. She claims to have given him up, but I don't believe her. She her self is going to recover the texts and show me how they ended it. As she thinks it will help. She says she does not want to go to school anymore. But more over I can not control her ever second. If she wants to be with him, fine. If she want to stay with me, then I will try too.


----------



## Father of two

Chris989 said:


> Maybe edit this post?


I dont see it in my post?


----------



## Shaggy

Dump the bed and make her buy you a new one. New sheets too.

Sorry, but her education is now over. She blew it. 

Post the OM up on cheaterville.com, hopefully any future employers will do a web search of him and come across it,


----------



## Chaparral

Dittoes on putting him on cheaterville.com . Send him and his wife the link. ANYTIME someone googles his name they will see the real man he is.


----------



## theroad

Father of two said:


> Her parents? why?


You tell WW's parents because you want people that will support the marriage and not WW having an affair.


----------



## theroad

Father of two said:


> Ok, maybe some clarification. I suspected my wife of cheating and approached her about the texting (all that I had at the time). She transferred schools not due to him but for more classes. I confront her again three days ago after seeing an "Love you" email, she claims a emotional affair. She claims she breaks it off with him. I ask for the phone to verify. She breaks down and tells me everything.... well almost......
> They had sex, there was sexting, he came to our house and they had sex in my bed.
> 
> Then later, as we continue to talk over the course of the day. She finally tells me two more pieces of the puzzle. He transferred with her and they share two classes and been sleeping before and after class. And my son was asleep when he came over.
> 
> At this point I'm done digging. There is nothing else that would really shock me or make it worse. It is obvious to me she fell in love with this guy with no end in site. She claims to have given him up, but I don't believe her. She her self is going to recover the texts and show me how they ended it. As she thinks it will help. She says she does not want to go to school anymore. But more over I can not control her ever second. If she wants to be with him, fine. If she want to stay with me, then I will try too.


WW must resign first thing tomorrow morning and have NC with the OM for life. This new revelation must be told to the OMW if not tonight then tomorrow.


----------



## tulsy

Father of two said:


> Ok, maybe some clarification. I suspected my wife of cheating and approached her about the texting (all that I had at the time). She transferred schools not due to him but for more classes. I confront her again three days ago after seeing an "Love you" email, she claims a emotional affair. She claims she breaks it off with him. I ask for the phone to verify. *She breaks down and tells me everything.... well almost......*
> They had sex, there was sexting, he came to our house and they had sex in my bed.
> 
> *Then later*, as we continue to talk over the course of the day. She finally tells me two more pieces of the puzzle. He transferred with her and they share two classes and been sleeping before and after class. And my son was asleep when he came over.
> 
> At this point I'm done digging. There is nothing else that would really shock me or make it worse. It is obvious to me she fell in love with this guy with no end in site. She claims to have given him up, but I don't believe her. *She her self is going to recover the texts and show me how they ended it*. As she thinks it will help. She says she does not want to go to school anymore. But more over I can not control her ever second. *If she wants to be with him, fine. If she want to stay with me, then I will try too.*


It's called trickle truth, and the story will continue to evolve and unfold before you, though you will never know the whole truth.

If she is the one recovering the texts, how do you know she won't adjust what you read to reflect her made-up story? YOU DON'T. Do it yourself if you want any chance at getting some of the truth out. She cannot be trusted.

If she wants him, fine...if she wants you, fine??? WTF dude! Definitely DO NOT be so ready to rug-sweep and "try" just because she says she wants to be with you. She hasn't even begun to earn you trust back.

This situation is horrible. Get rid of the bed and get tested for STD's. I would file for divorce and see how serious she is about "trying".


----------



## bandit.45

Quit being so available for Reconcilliation. You need to make your wayward wife sweat. She needs to feel fear. And you need to do everything you can to make sure the affair is really over. 

You are going waaaay too fast towards forgiveness and reconciliation. Slow down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

bandit.45 said:


> Quit being so available for Reconcilliation. You need to make your wayward wife sweat. She needs to feel fear. And you need to do everything you can to make sure the affair is really over.
> 
> You are going waaaay too fast towards forgiveness and reconciliation. Slow down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## Father of two

tulsy said:


> It's called trickle truth, and the story will continue to evolve and unfold before you, though you will never know the whole truth.
> *
> If she is the one recovering the texts, how do you know she won't adjust what you read to reflect her made-up story? YOU DON'T. Do it yourself if you want any chance at getting some of the truth out. She cannot be trusted.*
> 
> If she wants him, fine...if she wants you, fine??? WTF dude! Definitely DO NOT be so ready to rug-sweep and "try" just because she says she wants to be with you. She hasn't even begun to earn you trust back.
> 
> This situation is horrible. Get rid of the bed and get tested for STD's. I would file for divorce and see how serious she is about "trying".



Good point,

I also said I would try, and I will. I did not say it will work out.... The thing is, I will never be able to watch her 24/7, So I'm trying to support her to decide what she wants out of life. She needs help, as do I. We cant make decisions this second, thus I will try until we can make decisions. Is my marriage over, Yep! Sure is. Will I try to start another one with the same women...... Time will tell. I, nor my wife is in any position to make a decision. 

She clams she never wants to see him again. I want to give her time to see if this feeling changes with time. BTW, If we d, I loose my kids, she has no job, we live in California, and we are barely scraping by as it is. I can not support two households, so I would have to get another job, when would I get to see my kids?


----------



## Shaggy

While you deciding to R or D you can keep busy this weekend doing clean up.

1. New bed & sheets
2. She'll likely have bought new underwear etc for him. Get a tray bag and dump any thing she bought during the affair and anything she wore for him - lingerie, shoes, clothes, perfume, make up. 
3. Any gifts he gave her - dumpster
4. She needs to book an std test
5. She needs to book a polygraph
6. She needs to start sending out resumes and find a job
7. You, post OM on cheaterville.com


----------



## Shaggy

Oh, get her a new phone number.


----------



## Will_Kane

Father of two said:


> At this point I'm done digging. There is nothing else that would really shock me or make it worse. It is obvious to me she fell in love with this guy with no end in site. She claims to have given him up, but I don't believe her. She her self is going to recover the texts and show me how they ended it. As she thinks it will help. She says she does not want to go to school anymore. But more over I can not control her ever second.* If she wants to be with him, fine*. If she want to stay with me, then I will try too.


This is exactly the right attitude and no doubt part of the reason she is begging you not to divorce her.

Let her quit school and get a job.

Tell her what else you need her to do, and let her do it. If she doesn't do what you need, divorce her.


----------



## Will_Kane

Bringing him into your house, having sex with him in your bed, with your kids home - this is a sign of deep-seated resentment or hatred of you by your wife. Are you sure she was "in love" with this guy and not just "in hate" with you?

Most cheaters still have some modicum of respect for their spouses, so they won't bring the affair partner into their own home. When the cheater does bring the affair partner into the home to have sex in the marital bed, usually it is much, much more than just being "in love" with the affair partner or wanting to have sex with the affair partner - usually, it is more about hurting the spouse, desecrating the home (even if subconsciously).


----------



## tom67

Will_Kane said:


> Bringing him into your house, having sex with him in your bed, with your kids home - this is a sign of deep-seated resentment or hatred of you by your wife. Are you sure she was "in love" with this guy and not just "in hate" with you?
> 
> Most cheaters still have some modicum of respect for their spouses, so they won't bring the affair partner into their own home. When the cheater does bring the affair partner into the home to have sex in the marital bed, usually it is much, much more than just being "in love" with the affair partner or wanting to have sex with the affair partner - usually, it is more about hurting the spouse, desecrating the home (even if subconsciously).


That is pretty low imo.


----------



## Will_Kane

Did she say why she did it?


----------



## Father of two

Will_Kane said:


> Bringing him into your house, having sex with him in your bed, with your kids home - this is a sign of deep-seated resentment or hatred of you by your wife. Are you sure she was "in love" with this guy and not just "in hate" with you?
> 
> Most cheaters still have some modicum of respect for their spouses, so they won't bring the affair partner into their own home. When the cheater does bring the affair partner into the home to have sex in the marital bed, usually it is much, much more than just being "in love" with the affair partner or wanting to have sex with the affair partner - usually, it is more about hurting the spouse, desecrating the home (even if subconsciously).



ummm, I agree? I've never thought of it like that until now. But it fits the situation. Aside from what she is actually saying to me, but who is going to believe that?


----------



## Will_Kane

Father of two said:


> She quit her job to go back to school. Fast forward about five weeks and I happen to see an email from the guy with "Love you" inclosed.


Are you saying she was in this deep with this guy after only five weeks? How long did it take her before she started to have sex with him? Again, WHY? What is her reason?

By the way, she didn't "come clean," you basically caught her (or so she thought).

First rule of dealing with cheaters - be skeptical of everything she says about her affair and her affair partner. Cheaters lie. Believe only actions and things you can verify.

Did she know this guy before she first went to class with him five weeks before you caught her?


----------



## Will_Kane

What actions has she taken so far?

What has she done to make you trust her?

Leave out any crying, apologizing, begging, promises, etc., and tell me what ACTIONS?

Did she quit school? Give you her phone because she doesn't want you to wonder if she still is in contact? Delete her Facebook? Delete her email and say she'll share yours? Handwrite a no contact letter to this guy? Get tested for STDs and pregnancy?


----------



## illwill

Even the worst cheaters do not have sex with the affair partner in their spouse's bed. Think long and hard about this. Just because she wants to reconcile does not mean you should. And burn the bed.


----------



## Father of two

Will_Kane said:


> What actions has she taken so far?
> 
> What has she done to make you trust her?
> 
> Leave out any crying, apologizing, begging, promises, etc., and tell me what ACTIONS?
> 
> Did she quit school? Give you her phone because she doesn't want you to wonder if she still is in contact? Delete her Facebook? Delete her email and say she'll share yours? Handwrite a no contact letter to this guy? Get tested for STDs and pregnancy?


Given full access to all emails and contact list. Agreed to have a STD test, we need to work on the school, but she has agreed to do what ever (We can not afford to start paying back the loans yet) She give me her phone when I ask for it.


----------



## Will_Kane

By the way, you are doing well. You are further along than most of us probably were at this point in starting to see your wife a little more objectively.

You had an image of what your wife was like in your head. It seemed like the truth, everything she said and did was consistent with the image you had of her. Now, she has done something completely inconsistent with that image you had of her. It turns out, your image of her was not quite accurate.

I suspect she might have a lot of hostility toward you. If the cheater is that much in love with other man, she won't toss him aside so easily, or even put on an act that she doesn't love him.

Which leaves me with the question, if it wasn't love of him, was it hate of you?


----------



## tom67

Father of two said:


> Given full access to all emails and contact list. Agreed to have a STD test, we need to work on the school, but she has agreed to do what ever (We can not afford to start paying back the loans yet) She give me her phone when I ask for it.


Oh no she took out a student loan? Wow that sux sorry.


----------



## tom67

Sigh-have her get a job and go to school part time. Tell her you will think about r you need time.


----------



## Will_Kane

Father of two said:


> Given full access to all emails and contact list. Agreed to have a STD test, we need to work on the school, but she has agreed to do what ever (We can not afford to start paying back the loans yet) She give me her phone when I ask for it.


*Let her delete her email and share yours*. If people ask, she can either tell them the truth or tell them that she prefers it, you both look at each other's emails all the time, it is easier this way. What she can't tell them is that she is doing it because you are making her do it.

*Let her give up the cell phone entirely*. What does she use it for other than talking with the other man? I know of very few people for whom a cell phone truly is a necessity. It is a convenience. She can do without it to make you feel better.

*Let her delete all her social media accounts* - Facebook, Twitter, whatever else she has. If people ask, she can say with school and kids and a wonderful husband, she is too busy for all that stuff. What she can't say is that she did it because you made her do it.

Tell her that you are not forcing her to do anything. If she doesn't want to help you heal, you will be more than happy to pack up her sh1t with her and drive her straight over to the other man's house and drop her off right now. Tell her you can't control her, only yourself, and what you are willing to accept and not accept. And based on her past lying and covering up and hiding things and committing adultery, you are not willing to put up with wondering if she still is using those tools to communicate with other man.

Finally, the NUMBER ONE thing. She has to drop out of that school for the semester. Transfer somewhere where the other man is not. No reconciliation survives continued contact with the affair partner.


----------



## Getbusylivin

What reason did she give you for having the affair? Did she say why they had to do it in your bed?


----------



## happyman64

Father of two said:


> we are 31. the man she was with was 46


The age difference is telling.

Your wife has way too much time on her hands.

And bringing the OM to your house, in your bed while the kid is there is deplorable.

She needs a good therapist.

Hell a 31yo woman is just a piece of @ss to a 46yo man.

You need to take as much time as you need to make any decisions.....


----------



## Father of two

Will_Kane said:


> By the way, you are doing well. You are further along than most of us probably were at this point in starting to see your wife a little more objectively.
> 
> You had an image of what your wife was like in your head. It seemed like the truth, everything she said and did was consistent with the image you had of her. Now, she has done something completely inconsistent with that image you had of her. It turns out, your image of her was not quite accurate.
> 
> *I suspect she might have a lot of hostility toward you. If the cheater is that much in love with other man, she won't toss him aside so easily, or even put on an act that she doesn't love him.*
> 
> Which leaves me with the question, if it wasn't love of him, was it hate of you?


I agree, but the only way to find out is time. As of now she is doing everything I ask with no hesitation. It could be hate of me. Her cheating is a pretty good indicator of that. She swears it's not hate, but what else is she going to say to that question. 



We together, recovered the text messages. not all of them were there, but what was there lined up with what she said happened. Also the number showed up as unknown, I copied the number down, so it looked like she deleted his contact. There is one email account that I have not seen yet and it is the school email account that they both go to. We spent some time trying to log in but she could not remember the password as she clams she never uses it. We have to contact IT to fix it. I will be there when it first opens. I expect the worst give how everything has gone so far. But who knows, maybe it will be packed full of junk email that has not been read sense she got the account. Her story is, she does not use the account. I look at it as one more possable lie. 

I also contested the guys wife again, updating her on the class sharing and possible STD's. God knows what she is going through right now.


----------



## Father of two

We both have Iphones, I had her link all of her emails and phone number to my number. I see every email and text that leaves the phone.


----------



## Chris989

Father of two said:


> We both have Iphones, I had her link all of her emails and phone number to my number. I see every email and text that leaves the phone.


My ww used other SIM cards, others have 'burner' phones.


----------



## Rugs

IN YOUR BED! Wow, that is the worst. Be careful because that is wrong beyond belief. 

Bye bye education, hello job.


----------



## dogman

Shaggy said:


> Dump the bed and make her buy you a new one. New sheets too.
> 
> Sorry, but her education is now over. She blew it.
> 
> Post the OM up on cheaterville.com, hopefully any future employers will do a web search of him and come across it,


This is very reasonable.
When I got married my wife hated the bed we had because it was mine when I was single. I planned to buy a new one but since I only knew her for 6 months before marrying her, I don't get a chance.
Well, I came home one day and she had taken it outside and slashed it to pieces with a butcher knife....we slept on the floor till I bought a new bed, haha! I'm just glad I wasn't in it when she did that. I'm sure that had I cheated in that bed it might be me in the yard, slashed!

Get rid of it no matter what it cost!!! Money can't matter at this time.


----------



## Chaparral

Father of two said:


> I agree, but the only way to find out is time. As of now she is doing everything I ask with no hesitation. It could be hate of me. Her cheating is a pretty good indicator of that. She swears it's not hate, but what else is she going to say to that question.
> 
> 
> 
> We together, recovered the text messages. not all of them were there, but what was there lined up with what she said happened. Also the number showed up as unknown, I copied the number down, so it looked like she deleted his contact. There is one email account that I have not seen yet and it is the school email account that they both go to. We spent some time trying to log in but she could not remember the password as she clams she never uses it. We have to contact IT to fix it. I will be there when it first opens. I expect the worst give how everything has gone so far. But who knows, maybe it will be packed full of junk email that has not been read sense she got the account. Her story is, she does not use the account. I look at it as one more possable lie.
> 
> I also contested the guys wife again, updating her on the class sharing and possible STD's. God knows what she is going through right now.


It would be odd for her not to use her school acct. That is how teachers and the school communicates with students. That was considerable in my daughter's and son's case.


----------



## russell28

Shaggy said:


> While you deciding to R or D you can keep busy this weekend doing clean up.
> 
> 1. New bed & sheets
> 2. She'll likely have bought new underwear etc for him. Get a tray bag and dump any thing she bought during the affair and anything she wore for him - lingerie, shoes, clothes, perfume, make up.
> 3. Any gifts he gave her - dumpster
> 4. She needs to book an std test
> 5. She needs to book a polygraph
> 6. She needs to start sending out resumes and find a job
> 7. You, post OM on cheaterville.com


I'd have her dump every single pair of undergarments... the whole underwear drawer, right into a trash can.. you can go with her to buy her some fresh ones.. and the bed, I made the mistake of not pissing on it before they took it away. Don't make that mistake.. Toss any jewelry that you're not sure where it came from (if it's gold, pawn it).. Tell her to quit her job... She makes the dr. appts to get tested for STDs.. Listen to Shaggy, he knows what he's speaking about. You need these things to happen for R. 

I also rearranged the bedroom, move the bed to the other side of the room, throw some stuff away.. I bought new curtains the day I tossed the bed, so when she came over she could see that it was MY bedroom, no longer hers. Moving furniture feels good.. throwing crap out, also feels good... break some stuff (only cheap stuff and don't get hurt) , I ripped up some wedding photos.


----------



## BetrayedDad

Will_Kane said:


> Bringing him into your house, having sex with him in your bed, with your kids home - this is a sign of deep-seated resentment or hatred of you by your wife. Are you sure she was "in love" with this guy and not just "in hate" with you?
> 
> Most cheaters still have some modicum of respect for their spouses, so they won't bring the affair partner into their own home. When the cheater does bring the affair partner into the home to have sex in the marital bed, usually it is much, much more than just being "in love" with the affair partner or wanting to have sex with the affair partner - usually, it is more about hurting the spouse, desecrating the home (even if subconsciously).


Sometimes.... and sometimes as a good friend told me, "It was just another opportunity to take advantage of." Cheaters aren't in their right mind and sometimes it's hard for us logical thinkers to fathom this. If she had a modicum of respect for her spouse, she wouldn't of let another man bang her to begin with.


----------



## workindad

Still use a var as you cannot know if she has a burner phone. Her quitting school will not stop her cheating. She has no qualms about bringing him to your house and fvcking him in your marital bed with the kids there. Nice girl. 

Paternity test the kids. 
Polygraph to find out how many other men she has shared your marital bed with. 

I am sorry this is happening to you. Do not be surprised if she did things with om that she will or has not done with you in bed. 

Stay strong. Good luck

Post him to cheaterville.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## russell28

BetrayedDad said:


> Sometimes.... and sometimes as a good friend told me, "It was just another opportunity to take advantage of." Cheaters aren't in their right mind and sometimes it's hard for us logical thinkers to fathom this. If she had a modicum of respect for her spouse, she wouldn't of let another man bang her to begin with.


So much truth, but they do know.. I could tell when I asked my wife "you brought him here?", and saw the look on her face.. she knew what she had done. It takes the disrespect to a whole different level... it was at a 10, that pushes it to 11..


----------



## MattMatt

Why use the marriage bed? Because it is the bed in her room! She has all her lady stuff there.

And if she had said: "We can't do it here, it's the bed I share with my husband," that would have blown the affair to pieces, as she would have had to acknowledge to herself that she was cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## weightlifter

FOT

Do you have a good job? Generically where in CA?

(socal, Greater SF, Sacramento,bigfoot country...)

Agree with one big thing. Job and new bed/bedding.

I would DONATE the items however (not the mattresses). Once laundered they are just sheets and headboards. They will make some money for Goodwill and someone in even worse shape than you will get a (?Fairly nice?) headboard.

Eeesh The bed thing is bad bad bad. One thing I will credit RDMUs wife (A thread I was heavily involved in) with is refusing Bob access to the marital bed.


----------



## Father of two

weightlifter said:


> FOT
> 
> Do you have a good job? Generically where in CA?
> 
> (socal, Greater SF, Sacramento,bigfoot country...)
> 
> Agree with one big thing. Job and new bed/bedding.
> 
> I would DONATE the items however (not the mattresses). Once laundered they are just sheets and headboards. They will make some money for Goodwill and someone in even worse shape than you will get a (?Fairly nice?) headboard.
> 
> Eeesh The bed thing is bad bad bad. One thing I will credit RDMUs wife (A thread I was heavily involved in) with is refusing Bob access to the marital bed.



Yes, I have a good job. I love my job, we moved out here for it and I was able to support my wife so she could chase her dreams and go back to school.... I'm in a really bad place this very second.... more triggers.... God


----------



## Father of two

MattMatt said:


> Why use the marriage bed? Because it is the bed in her room! She has all her lady stuff there.
> 
> And if she had said: "We can't do it here, it's the bed I share with my husband," that would have blown the affair to pieces, as she would have had to acknowledge to herself that she was cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She says they came to my house because all there other meeting felt rushed. They wanted some quality time together. She clams it felt strange and uncomfortable. I of course DO NOT believe it only happened once. Which throws her "uncomfortable" lie in with the dozens and dozens of other trickled truth lies...... At this point I have gave up trying to find out more. She loves him and needs to decide what she wants. THEN I will decide. I think if she knows there is a chance that she could "choose" me but I wont choose her, she will be more likely to fallow her heart.


----------



## MovingAhead

I am sorry you are here brother. Your wife does not seem to be doing the heavy lifting, being transparent, answering every question etc... Do you believe she is telling you the whole truth? If not, the trickle truths that she is giving you will end your marriage. You will go into a false recovery.

Your wife did a very bad thing which could cost you your family and mess up your kids. You need to be firm and strong although it is very hard to do.

This whole crap about wanting to let her figure out what she wants to do with her life. The easiest way to help her find herself is to pack her bags, put them on the lawn and go tell her to live with her parents until she realizes that she is not a child any more.

File for divorce, separate your finances! You may have a chance to save your marriage but being the nice understanding guy is not the way. She will lose respect for you there and then you are doomed. She knows she did a bad thing. You don't need to punish her but you do need to be firm and strong and tell her how it is going to be and the first moment she gets wishy washy, hand her the divorce papers.

You also need to let her know you love her. You love her but without your self respect you can't be with her.


----------



## weightlifter

Got ya FOT. Just wondering if leaving CA for a less insanely expensive place was an option. When you mentioned only squeaking by I was thinking meh job and time for a Uhaul.


----------



## weightlifter

You have local friends you can go have a beer with? IE someone to talk you down?


----------



## Father of two

MovingAhead said:


> I am sorry you are here brother. Your wife does not seem to be doing the heavy lifting, being transparent, answering every question etc... Do you believe she is telling you the whole truth? If not, the trickle truths that she is giving you will end your marriage. You will go into a false recovery.
> 
> Your wife did a very bad thing which could cost you your family and mess up your kids. You need to be firm and strong although it is very hard to do.
> 
> This whole crap about wanting to let her figure out what she wants to do with her life. *The easiest way to help her find herself is to pack her bags, put them on the lawn and go tell her to live with her parents until she realizes that she is not a child any more.*
> 
> File for divorce, separate your finances! You may have a chance to save your marriage but being the nice understanding guy is not the way. She will lose respect for you there and then you are doomed. She knows she did a bad thing. You don't need to punish her but you do need to be firm and strong and tell her how it is going to be and the first moment she gets wishy washy, hand her the divorce papers.
> 
> You also need to let her know you love her. You love her but without your self respect you can't be with her.



I would love to do this, but it is easier said than done. What do I do with my kids? They go with her? NO.


----------



## Father of two

weightlifter said:


> Got ya FOT. Just wondering if leaving CA for a less insanely expensive place was an option. When you mentioned only squeaking by I was thinking meh job and time for a Uhaul.


We always have lived paycheck to paycheck. Although money problem have not caused any issues at home.


----------



## Father of two

weightlifter said:


> You have local friends you can go have a beer with? IE someone to talk you down?


Just work friends, come off the extreme low as I type, next stop.... anger again.....


----------



## MovingAhead

The longer you wait on confronting her about the whole what she wants crap, the longer you give her to detach from you, convince herself that the kids will be ok if she leaves and ruin your chances to see your kids every Christmas, Thanksgiving etc...

Call her parents, expose her to them and ask if she can stay with them. Pack her bags and file for divorce. You are being treated like choice B. She is in contact with the OM most likely. She will contact him again most definitely. Earn her respect now or you will lose. If she is BS you CALL her on it. TRUST your GUT!


----------



## russell28

Father of two said:


> She says they came to my house because all there other meeting felt rushed. They wanted some quality time together. She clams it felt strange and uncomfortable. I of course DO NOT believe it only happened once. Which throws her "uncomfortable" lie in with the dozens and dozens of other trickled truth lies...... At this point I have gave up trying to find out more. She loves him and needs to decide what she wants. THEN I will decide. I think if she knows there is a chance that she could "choose" me but I wont choose her, she will be more likely to fallow her heart.


You need to show her that you're better than her affair partner, and she's about to lose you to another woman, someone hotter than her and younger than her... and you're looking forward to it. You might even start a whole new family, with kids... Let her know what she's laid in front of you, how now you have options and a potential life without her in it.. Let her imagine her life without you, and see if she likes it.. let her envision herself with a person that deep down she knows is a dirt bag, because he conspired with her to destroy her marriage.. he's a liar and a cheater, she knows that.. If not, remind her that she's not the only one that's full of it, her AP is too... she's not the only one telling lies and fabricating stories...


----------



## MovingAhead

Father of two said:


> I would love to do this, but it is easier said than done. What do I do with my kids? They go with her? NO.


If you accept that you already lost. They don't go with her. They stay with you. Don't find excuses why you can't do the important things, find the ways to get the job done. 

I went through the same crap you are going through now. We ended up with joint custody but my older two live with me 90-100% of the time.

If you are not willing to do what you can to save your marriage even then it's not worth saving. Get rid of your TV, make yourself cheap lunches, bring them to work, don't go out much, save your money and hire a baby sitter.

If you end up in D, you will lose a lot more than what it will cost you now to help her see the light. Stop finding excuses as to why you can't do the hard things. Find ways to make the hard things work.


----------



## CASE_Sensitive

Take your old bed, dump it on O/M lawn and set it on fire.


----------



## Father of two

MovingAhead said:


> If you accept that you already lost. They don't go with her. They stay with you. Don't find excuses why you can't do the important things, find the ways to get the job done.
> 
> I went through the same crap you are going through now. We ended up with joint custody but my older two live with me 90-100% of the time.
> 
> If you are not willing to do what you can to save your marriage even then it's not worth saving. Get rid of your TV, make yourself cheap lunches, bring them to work, don't go out much, save your money and hire a baby sitter.
> 
> If you end up in D, you will lose a lot more than what it will cost you now to help her see the light. Stop finding excuses as to why you can't do the hard things. Find ways to make the hard things work.



I'm scared.

Everything I have read (other than here) says to realize the are marriage was failing before the affair stated. I was responsible for that portion. and that portion only. more triggers, headed back down....


----------



## Father of two

MovingAhead said:


> If you accept that you already lost. They don't go with her. They stay with you. Don't find excuses why you can't do the important things, find the ways to get the job done.
> 
> I went through the same crap you are going through now. We ended up with joint custody but my older two live with me 90-100% of the time.
> 
> If you are not willing to do what you can to save your marriage even then it's not worth saving. Get rid of your TV, make yourself cheap lunches, bring them to work, don't go out much, save your money and hire a baby sitter.
> 
> *If you end up in D, you will lose a lot more than what it will cost you now to help her see the light. Stop finding excuses as to why you can't do the hard things. Find ways to make the hard things work*.


Agreed, but how do I know she hasn't already seen the light? I know I cant trust her words, but her actions seem to be in the right direction. We have talked to a counselor over the phone and will talk to her again today. We have a meeting with a counselor monday.


----------



## russell28

Father of two said:


> I would love to do this, but it is easier said than done. What do I do with my kids? They go with her? NO.


I told my wife to go to her mothers... the kids stayed here with me, but my son is 16 and he's the youngest... If she wants any chance to R with you, she'll do whatever you say... if she doesn't, start the divorce.


----------



## Father of two

Father of two said:


> Agreed, but how do I know she hasn't already seen the light? I know I cant trust her words, but her actions seem to be in the right direction. We have talked to a counselor over the phone and will talk to her again today. We have a meeting with a counselor monday.


The counselor on the phone recommended we stay in the same house.


----------



## russell28

Father of two said:


> I'm scared.
> 
> Everything I have read (other than here) says to realize the are marriage was failing before the affair stated. I was responsible for that portion. and that portion only. more triggers, headed back down....


Don't buy that bull.. the main reason your marriage was failing was because your wife had a boyfriend. You can't fix things with your marriage if your wife is going outside the marriage to 'fix' things herself...

No marriage is perfect, and no husband is perfect.. but trust me, any issues you caused pre-affair... 'not spending time.. not talking enough.. not enough gifts'.... pale in comparison to what your wife was doing to destroy the marriage. Not even on the same scale of measure.


----------



## Shaggy

You are making a mistake in my opinion letting her take time to mask the decision of if she loves him.

You're giving her the control and it makes you look weak and unattractive.

It also says you are willing to compete with the OM for her.

You want to be the one setting the terms, bit waiting to be given then.

This isn't dating , this is married and kids and grown up commitments.

You set the terms for her getting the chance, not the guarantee, but only the chance to stay with you.

1. Affair ends
2. Exposure happens
3. Polygraph happens
4. Fill transparency from now on happens. Including where she is being verified with photos that have a GPS location and time.
5. Her clothes get purged
6. Gifts get purged
7. No contact letter gets written
8.,std tests 
9. She leaves school and gets a job to pay her loan
10. She self exposes to her side of the family and to mutual friends - this is her owning up to her betrayal
11. OM goes up on cheaterville.

Take any kind of waiting for her to decide on him off the table. If you catch her not choosing you every time, tell her to get in the car and you will right now dump her at his place.

Tell her and yourself, this isn't about you accepting being plan B. because you won't accept that. Right now this is entirely about her earning through actions the chance to stay, and even that may be taken off the table and YOU may decide you can't forgive her and will seek D.

Make her earn you, don't just give it to her as an option she can choose from.


----------



## bandit.45

Father of two said:


> The counselor on the phone recommended we stay in the same house.


Doesn't mean you can't get a break from her. Do have anywhere you can go for a few days to be alone and get your head together? You are in shock right now and you are in cruise control, just trying to survive. You need to get away from her for a few days. Get some clarity of thought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## russell28

Father of two said:


> The counselor on the phone recommended we stay in the same house.


I think without some time out of the house, she may not fully grasp what she's about to lose.. not just the comfort of a home, but the comfort of a faithful husband in her bed. I think the air mattress at my MILs house worked wonders for my wife's appreciation of what I've provided for her over the years. The security, the comfort, the whole lifestyle. Things her OM couldn't even dream of providing.


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## Hardtohandle

Father of two

You need someone you can trust locally to help you think straight. 

Someone said this to you on the first page. Trust me/us we know you can't think straight.. We have all been there and some still are there.. 

But you cannot wait to see what she wants.. You need to decide if you want this as well. What you're your letting her know right now is that you will put up with her sh1t of making a choice.. 

This will happen again.. TRUST ME... I'm a 4x time looser to this.. You don't want to do this 4x before she really decides to leave you. 

What will happen is she will realize as well how bad it is for her and she will pretend to love you and wait until the kids get older.. Like my wife did..

You will put her through school, she will get that great job and then 10 years later leave you.. Like my wife did. 

But until then you will see her chatting with someone and fight about it and you will go back to therapy and she will say I'm sorry and all will be good. 

But in the end she will leave.. 

You think or assume your wife will leave and take the kids.. So did I.. 

She just left.. The kids are with me.. 

Again as was mentioned on the first page of this thread. The road for recovery and divorce are exactly the same. 

If your wife does not see that you are ready to dump her and that she needs to FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT to get back your love and trust.. You will never, never, never fix this right.. You will both be limping along in this broken marriage.. 

Again as was said in the first page of this thread. Your OLD MARRIAGE is gone.. You can still be married, but it will be new and IT WILL BE DIFFERENT. 

I know this stuff is so crazy to understand and accept right now. Your crying when your alone, your crying when she is there. Your crying in your car.. Man trust me I understand.. I can't tell you how many times I had to pull over on the side of the road just to cry. I had to walk into our server room at work to cry or into the property room to cry. People knew, they just let me cry and would ask after I walked out if I was okay.. 

Trust me I/we feel your pain.

But if you want her and you love her and I know you do.. You need to be a stone cold killer right now.. 

She needs to be crying to you, to her family.. She needs to be grabbing the bottom of your pants crying with snot dripping out of her nose onto your sneakers, begging you to tell her what to do to fix this.. She needs to be acting like she just seen God.. 

The 180 is listed in my signature along with some other info.. You could read the first 5 pages of my thread labeled my mistake as well to see what not to do. I failed miserably. 

But I will say you're doing good compared to me honestly.. 

You just need to be really tougher then you normally would be. This has to be something she has never seen in you.. Something she will never forget. 

What is the other wife saying ?? Is she crying ? I'm just trying to gauge if he has done this in the past..


----------



## Shaggy

Until the affair is dead for sure, do not let her go anywhere. That just gives her freedom to contact the OM.

As for fear, that's natural, but it's also your enemy because it will get you to try to negotiate down the consequences she needs to face.

Face it you already hit bottom here. She cheated in your own bed. Even being a single divorced guy is a huge step up from where you were at when she chose to invite the OM into your bed to have sex with him.

So stop listening to the fear and doubt. No matter what you do it'll be better than when she chose to do that.


----------



## Shaggy

Have you read Married Mans Sex Life Primer by Kay Athol?

If not get it ASAP and get reading, it has a lot of gold about male-female attraction and relationship dynamics. It will help you here.

It's not about sex, it's about what makes a relationship tick and thrive, and about how men mess things up by being followers instead of leading.


----------



## russell28

Shaggy said:


> Until the affair is dead for sure, do not let her go anywhere. That just gives her freedom to contact the OM.
> 
> As for fear, that's natural, but it's also your enemy because it will get you to try to negotiate down the consequences she needs to face.
> 
> Face it you already hit bottom here. She cheated in your own bed. Even being a single divorced guy is a huge step up from where you were at when she chose to invite the OM into your bed to have sex with him.
> 
> So stop listening to the fear and doubt. No matter what you do it'll be better than when she chose to do that.


I thought he outted the OM to the OMW... if not, that's another step.. that keeps the OM busy and hopefully away from the wife, or makes him available which is pretty unattractive now.. and any contact, would be a dealbreaker that she should be aware of and afraid for her life that the OM will contact her. It also makes you feel a tiny tiny little bit good knowing that you f'd up his life a little too..


----------



## Thorburn

Father of two said:


> I'm scared.
> 
> Everything I have read (other than here) says to realize the are marriage was failing before the affair stated. I was responsible for that portion. and that portion only. more triggers, headed back down....


That is not true. Many marriages are good or even great and one spouse still cheats. There is plenty of data to back up that claim. Also google it and you will see that many "experts" will say that even in a good marriage A's happen. 

Affairs are 100% the fault of the one committing infidelity. Marriage problems are typically 50/50. But give me one reason why a person cheats due to problem/s in the marriage that is really legit?

My husband ignored me. My husband yelled at me. etc. Leave, divorce, but none of the reasons for cheating are valid. No one needs to stay in a marriage but to cheat is just wrong. But that is not what most people do. They cheat. They then have or say they had reasons why. 

I can be open minded but I have yet to see a good reason. I can understand why in some cases but that is just that, understanding, it will never excuse wrong behavior.

Vets will tell me they did such and such because of the trauma of war. I drank hard and ended up in the hospital twice after I came home. People can understand why, but it does not excuse my behavior.


----------



## Dad&Hubby

Father of two said:


> I'm scared.
> 
> Everything I have read (other than here) says to realize the are marriage was failing before the affair stated. I was responsible for that portion. and that portion only. more triggers, headed back down....


Read the first response to your initial post.

You're accepting SOME blame for the affair because you're starting to look prior.

YES you probably had issues going back prior to the affair..issues that you AND your WW are responsible for. But RIGHT NOW, you shouldn't think about those. Your WW choosing to bring another man INTO YOUR BED is 100% on her. She could've handed you DIVORCE papers if she was unhappy enough in order to deal with the problems, but no...she was a coward.


----------



## Father of two

russell28 said:


> I thought he outted the OM to the OMW... if not, that's another step.. that keeps the OM busy and hopefully away from the wife, or makes him available which is pretty unattractive now.. and any contact, would be a dealbreaker that she should be aware of and afraid for her life that the OM will contact her. It also makes you feel a tiny tiny little bit good knowing that you f'd up his life a little too..


You are correct, already done. she and I cried over the phone together. She sounds very scared and I fear he has done this before. I feel she is going to forgive him too early much like most of you are saying I'm doing....


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## Ovid

Don't make any decisions for a minimum of 30 days. Give yourself that time to not even think about a decision in either direction. Just watch your wifes actions durring that time.

I would refuse to sleep in that bed, and make replacing it her issue. She soiled it, let her find a way to replace it. If she really wants R bad she will want you in bed with her, and that means doing anything she can to replace that bed.


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## Hope1964

Telling her to go to her parents isn't the end of things. Have you read my story, that i posted a link to earlier? I kicked my husband out on D day and let him move back in 5 months later. 3 years later now and our marriage is thriving. But it all depends on her actions in the interim.


----------



## Father of two

She refuses to leave the kids. Sadly I kinda agree. Maybe that is why she refuses, I'm weak in this way when it comes to my children. My daughter is a very passionate little girl and she does not do well being away from ether one of us for long.

She says she will do anything but leave her kids. I informed her that if we divorce the kids will be not be with her mother all the time anyway.


----------



## Squeakr

Father of two said:


> She refuses to leave the kids. Sadly I kinda agree. Maybe that is why she refuses, I'm weak in this way when it comes to my children. My daughter is a very passionate little girl and she does not do well being away from ether one of us for long.
> 
> She says she will do anything but leave her kids. I informed her that if we divorce the kids will be not be with her mother all the time anyway.


Sorry you are here. The exact conundrum of the BH. You can't legally throw them out, they have to want to leave (as you can demand and ask all you want, but they will only leave when they want to) and they never want to leave the kids and you don't want them gone from you as well, and generally the community is on the side of the mother and believe that the children will fair better with them, unless the mother is drug abuser, felon committer, etc, you know the most heinous of heinous stuff.

Best of your luck, just don't let her make decisions for you that you will later regret. Do what you feel is best for you.


----------



## Father of two

Squeakr said:


> Sorry you are here. The exact conundrum of the BH. You can't legally throw them out, they have to want to leave (as you can demand and ask all you want, but they will only leave when they want to) and they never want to leave the kids and you don't want them gone from you as well, and generally the community is on the side of the mother and believe that the children will fair better with them, unless the mother is drug abuser, felon committer, etc, you know the most heinous of heinous stuff.
> 
> Best of your luck, just don't let her make decisions for you that you will later regret. Do what you feel is best for you.



We are going to talk to the counselor. I suggest that she reads this thread, and she is. Maybe a mistake, hell all of this could be a mistake...


----------



## Squeakr

Also know that even with your numbers tied together to the same accounts, and certain settings mirror'd on the phones, you will at best see her iMessage, and get her call and text log off of the provider's detailed billing, but everything will not be delivered to your phone, so you may never know if you are thinking that you have covered that part (unless you truly had the phones cloned, which is illegal and not easy to do).


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## Hope1964

Well if you are determined not to kick her out of the house, then kick her out of your bedroom at least.


----------



## Squeakr

Father of two said:


> We are going to talk to the counselor. I suggest that she reads this thread, and she is. Maybe a mistake, hell all of this could be a mistake...


The only issue I can see by her being here, is that if she is unsure about where she wants to be and where she wants to go with the M and A, then she could get some ideas from TAM about where to take it in the interim. If she is truly committed to you and the A is over then TAM can help, only I would have her start her own thread. Be forewarned that the WS is not a good place to be around here if they are looking for justification for their actions.


----------



## Father of two

Squeakr said:


> Also know that even with your numbers tied together to the same accounts, and certain settings mirror'd on the phones, you will at best see her iMessage, and get her call and text log off of the provider's detailed billing, but everything will not be delivered to your phone, so you may never know if you are thinking that you have covered that part (unless you truly had the phones cloned, which is illegal and not easy to do).


She is fully open to sharing EVERYTHING. last night she asked if I wanted to keep her phone in my possession. 



Hope1964 said:


> Well if you are determined not to kick her out of the house, then kick her out of your bedroom at least.


I can hardly go into that room, I moved out.


----------



## Shaggy

If she's reading here then have her get her own account that way she can get advice. 

We have a number of former WW on here who can perhaps offer her advice.


----------



## Hope1964

Father of two said:


> I can hardly go into that room, I moved out.


She also needs to replace that bed, the bedding, whatever you need her to. My husband got a BJ from a hooker on his black leather couch, and when I found out, after he'd moved home and brought the couch with him, I made him get rid of it immediately. And the throw pillows and throw he had for it. Then we went shopping and got a new sectional. He also offered to throw out, or let me burn, the clothes he was wearing at the time, but he wasn't 100% sure which jeans or shirt he had on (this was 5 months later) so I declined on that one.

THIS is the type of thing you need, and that a truly remorseful spouse will do without a peep.


----------



## Squeakr

Father of two said:


> She is fully open to sharing EVERYTHING. last night she asked if I wanted to keep her phone in my possession.


I hope that is a good sign. Just be warned that there are other ways. After D-Day, my wife did the same to me with her iPhone, something that seemed stitched to her hand prior to that). I then found out that she had went and purchased a burner phone (hid the packaging in her car), had gotten money on the side from her mom, and had went as far as to ask co-workers to borrow their phones to contact the OM (said she was trying to warn him), and even asked one really close friend to borrow her phone for the day. She even called her friends and relayed messages through them to the OM (he was their mutual friend), and I then found out he had a skype and google voice number. Never underestimate the extremes that they will go to, especially when they claim to be backed into a corner and pressured by you.


----------



## bandit.45

CASE_Sensitive said:


> Take your old bed, dump it on O/M lawn and set it on fire.


And get arrested for arson. 

C'mon.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Squeakr

Hope1964 said:


> She also needs to replace that bed, the bedding, whatever you need her to. My husband got a BJ from a hooker on his black leather couch, and when I found out, after he'd moved home and brought the couch with him, I made him get rid of it immediately. And the throw pillows and throw he had for it. Then we went shopping and got a new sectional. He also offered to throw out, or let me burn, the clothes he was wearing at the time, but he wasn't 100% sure which jeans or shirt he had on (this was 5 months later) so I declined on that one.
> 
> THIS is the type of thing you need, and that a truly remorseful spouse will do without a peep.


My WW did pretty much the same, except the chair thrown out was mine. Hated to see it go, but it needed to be done for what little sanity I had left at the time (and not sure I have much more right now).


----------



## bandit.45

Counseling is fine as long as the affair is over. 

You have not confirmed that yet. If she is still in contact with the OM and they have taken the affair submarine, no counseling in the world will make any difference. 

Stay in contact with the other man's wife daily, come up with a plan on how the two of you can join resources to make sure this A is over. Offer her your help and a shoulder to cry on. She sounds like she is in awful pain like you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SadSamIAm

Is there anyone at the school that you can confide in?

It would be great if you could ask about her email account at school. It seems really 'convenient' that she can't remember that password. I would think that email is used all the time for communication at school. I know it is for my daughters who are in university.

I feel this is a huge lie and I am betting that there is a bunch more 'truth' in that email account.


----------



## Father of two

bandit.45 said:


> Counseling is fine as long as the affair is over.
> 
> You have not confirmed that yet. If she is still in contact with the OM and they have taken the affair submarine, no counseling in the world will make any difference.
> 
> Stay in contact with the other man's wife daily, come up with a plan on how the two of you can join resources to make sure this A is over. Offer her your help and a shoulder to cry on. She sounds like she is in awful pain like you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I emailed her yesterday and she has responded today. She still believes me and clams the her husband told her everything (made me laugh) said she already knew about about the condoms, and the school. She clams he will not be attending school anymore. I will confirm this.

She also asked me to not contact her in any form again. I'm sad for the loss of the only other real person that understands, and the potential allies we could have become. but I also know what she is going through. 

As I type this, My daughter just made me a picture for my "new" room..... Oh god...


----------



## Hope1964

Father of two said:


> As I type this, My daughter just made me a picture for my "new" room..... Oh god...


Hey, this is a GOOD thing  Your daughter sounds like she's doing all right. That picture should be framed and on the wall.


----------



## Father of two

SadSamIAm said:


> Is there anyone at the school that you can confide in?
> 
> It would be great if you could ask about her email account at school. It seems really 'convenient' that she can't remember that password. I would think that email is used all the time for communication at school. I know it is for my daughters who are in university.
> 
> I feel this is a huge lie and I am betting that there is a bunch more 'truth' in that email account.


No, I am not going to school with her, nor know anyone else there.
It seems that way to me about the account too. On the other hand I watch all(I think) of her email activities first hand sitting next to her and she used her personal account for homework.

Triggered pain almost over I can whip my tears and come out of my hiding spot from my daughter..... Holy crap, talk about light switch emotions....


----------



## bandit.45

Father of two said:


> I emailed her yesterday and she has responded today. She still believes me and clams the her husband told her everything (made me laugh) said she already knew about about the condoms, and the school. She clams he will not be attending school anymore. I will confirm this.
> 
> She also asked me to not contact her in any form again. I'm sad for the loss of the only other real person that understands, and the potential allies we could have become. but I also know what she is going through.
> 
> As I type this, My daughter just made me a picture for my "new" room..... Oh god...


It is possible that the OM intercepted the e-mail you sent her and is posing as his wife? Is there any way you can verify it was her e-mailing you back? 

There is a poster named Ing whose WW and her lover were intercepting Ing's messages to the OMW and telling him not to contact her anymore.


----------



## Squeakr

Father of two said:


> I emailed her yesterday and she has responded today. She still believes me and clams the her husband told her everything (made me laugh) said she already knew about about the condoms, and the school. She clams he will not be attending school anymore. I will confirm this.
> 
> She also asked me to not contact her in any form again. I'm sad for the loss of the only other real person that understands, and the potential allies we could have become. but I also know what she is going through.
> 
> As I type this, My daughter just made me a picture for my "new" room..... Oh god...


Are you sure that since this was an emailing that her account isn't highjacked and the OM is responding to your email? Sounds like he is doing this and admitting all that you know about already and nothing more, then says don't contact me again in any form, so that she is none the wiser and the contact from you subsides. I would almost say call her in person to verify and state that if those are her wished you will abide. It is easy to cover your tracks in this way through email. She may not even know that you sent anything.


----------



## workindad

OP if neither of them will be in school they will have plenty of time to hook up while you are out providing for your family and of course a nice room for om to have sex with your wife. 

She should get a job also. 

You are being to nice. I hope it works for you. 

You seem to want to reconcile and I applaud that desire. However please do not rug sweep as it will bite you later. 

Follow thru with a polygraph. Find out if she is a serial cheater and paternity test the kids. Get the information you need to deal with everything up front.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

Father of two said:


> No, I am not going to school with her, nor know anyone else there.
> It seems that way to me about the account too. On the other hand I watch all(I think) of her email activities first hand sitting next to her and she used her personal account for homework.
> 
> Triggered pain almost over I can whip my tears and come out of my hiding spot from my daughter..... Holy crap, talk about light switch emotions....


Do not let your wife see you cry. I know it sounds sick but crying around her or the kids will make you look weak in her affair-addled mindset right now. 

Essentially, your wife is in a self-induced psychosis, where your pain and heartbreak are not reallly registering. She may feign remorse and guilt, but 85% of her thoughts are with the OM right now....not you. Remember that. 

This is why you need to back waaaaay off and watch her. Observe her. Don't listen to her mutterings, just watch her actions. 

Again, take your time. There is no reason for you to make _any _ decisions about your future in the states you and your wife are in right now. 

If you have insurance, go see your doctor and tell him/her what is going on. S/he can precribe you an SSRI anti-depressant that will take some of the sting out of the pain you are feeling, and at the same time level out the emotional road-dips you are experiencing. Zoloft is a good one.


----------



## bandit.45

Squeakr said:


> Are you sure that since this was an emailing that her account isn't highjacked and the OM is responding to your email? Sounds like he is doing this and admitting all that you know about already and nothing more, then says don't contact me again in any form, so that she is none the wiser and the contact from you subsides. * I would almost say call her in person to verify and state that if those are her wished you will abide. It is easy to cover your tracks in this way through email. She may not even know that you sent anything*.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## workindad

OP with the ease that she brought this man into your bed with her children there. I would be surprised if this was her first affair. 

Have you asked? Would it matter? 

Keep in mind issues you while she was fvcking om are also caused by her giving her mental emotional and sexual energy to him instead of you. Take no blame for that it is on her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thorburn

Father of two said:


> She is fully open to sharing EVERYTHING. last night she asked if I wanted to keep her phone in my possession.
> 
> 
> 
> I can hardly go into that room, I moved out.


My wife had sex in our Jeep Grand Cherokee. The XOM sat in the passenger seat on many occasions and they did the deed in the back. I won't go into a long story but one of the blankets my wife used for a bed was a blanket I got from a friend in Iraq. It was very special to me. My wife and I made love in the blanket. It was a big joke when I was in Iraq. My friend was there for over 15 months and never washed it, the year I was there I never washed it. My wife washed it 6 times when I got home before she would allow it on any bed. My friends and my wife and me would joke about the blanket I was sleeping with in Iraq. Like I said, it was funny.

On D-day in February, guess what blanket she had in the car. She used that one not out of convenience but to prove that there was nothing that was special between the two of us that was not special with the XOM. One day in May I was in the basement cutting up the blanket, mad as hel*. I wanted that blanket or at least part of it in my coffin when I got buried. It meant a lot to me. My wife found me cutting it up (it was a big Zebra type blanket) took it from me and made me go upstairs and she got rid of it.

I have yet to get rid of the car. It is basically on it's last legs. I was told to get rid of it by many here on TAM. I have not. The A.C. does not work, it leaks antifreeze, etc. It has not been inspected in over a year. Though it is still a decent car, I got to the point, this is the bed she made (literally) and i will not reward her with a new car, nor will I spend much money on repairing it. Like I said, though it is on it's last legs, it still looks great and the engine runs, good tires, etc. But I will be dam*ed if I spending money on the sl*t mobile. 

As far as the bed. My wife did not bring the XOM into either of our homes. But had she, that bed would have been long gone. My wife wanted to cut our $2,000.00 tempurpedic bed in half after I caught her in February. That is how nutty she was at the time.

I would get rid of the bed, sheets, blankets, etc. 

But at some point you will need to reconsile the whole bedroom thing.

I did with the car. There were moments in May, June and July where I almost had panic attacks riding in that car. I had my wife pull over on several occasions so I could get the hel* out of it. 

I bought that car on a trip to Florida, paid cash for it (almost 20K). We made love in the back of it. Then my wife did the same thing with the XOM.

It suc*s but that is how I have dealt with it. A bed would have been gone and if I could get away with it, it would sit in the back yard burning, with the sheets, pillows and everything else connected to it and I would make her watch.

When I do get rid of the car, and I mean it, the car will be taken apart in my driveway, piece by piece. it will not be sold, nor traded in. It will be disassembled and scraped. I want the thing melted down and any other part will be cut up and thrown in the trash.


----------



## weightlifter

I recommend against bringing waywards here. They read enough to become blackbelt underground affair hiders.

With the things I know... I could do a lot of damage for the dark side. No I wont do it but the stuff Ive learned...


----------



## Father of two

bandit.45 said:


> It is possible that the OM intercepted the e-mail you sent her and is posing as his wife? Is there any way you can verify it was her e-mailing you back?
> 
> There is a poster named Ing whose WW and her lover were intercepting Ing's messages to the OMW and telling him not to contact her anymore.





Squeakr said:


> Are you sure that since this was an emailing that her account isn't highjacked and the OM is responding to your email? Sounds like he is doing this and admitting all that you know about already and nothing more, then says don't contact me again in any form, so that she is none the wiser and the contact from you subsides. I would almost say call her in person to verify and state that if those are her wished you will abide. It is easy to cover your tracks in this way through email. She may not even know that you sent anything.


No she called me on the phone, yes he could be intercepted them, but she told me she knows in her own voice over the phone.



bandit.45 said:


> Do not let your wife see you cry. I know it sounds sick but crying around her or the kids will make you look weak in her affair-addled mindset right now.
> 
> Essentially, your wife is in a self-induced psychosis, where your pain and heartbreak are not reallly registering. She may feign remorse and guilt, but 85% of her thoughts are with the OM right now....not you. Remember that.
> 
> This is why you need to back waaaaay off and watch her. Observe her. Don't listen to her mutterings, just watch her actions.
> 
> Again, take your time. There is no reason for you to make _any _ decisions about your future in the states you and your wife are in right now.
> 
> If you have insurance, go see your doctor and tell him/her what is going on. S/he can precribe you an SSRI anti-depressant that will take some of the sting out of the pain you are feeling, and at the same time level out the emotional road-dips you are experiencing. Zoloft is a good one.


Hard not to cry with my kids pulling triggers. I'll try.


----------



## Squeakr

Father of two said:


> No she called me on the phone, yes he could be intercepted them, but she told me she knows in her own voice over the phone.


I was only referring to the last emailing and not the ones prior or your talks prior. This last emailing just seemed to come out of the blue and changed the way she had been dealing with you and the situation and the tones with which she was dealing with you, at least that is the way it read to me. Meaning this final email had been intercepted and the OM was just trying to put a stop to your conversations/ exchanges without her knowledge.


----------



## Father of two

workindad said:


> OP with the ease that she brought this man into your bed with her children there. I would be surprised if this was her first affair.
> 
> Have you asked? Would it matter?
> 
> Keep in mind issues you while she was fvcking om are also caused by her giving her mental emotional and sexual energy to him instead of you. Take no blame for that it is on her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There has been no other sighs in our past, she ether got sloppy with this one, or it's the first. I had a gut feeling about the affair long before I confronted her.

I have asked, but What will that prove? She has lied so many times. Hell we have agreed to start over when I learned it was just a ea. And that was hard enough. And she swore that there were no more lies a clean table, She still lied..... Is she done lying? Doubtful..... 

She swears this is the first. I want to believe her, but no amount of words out of that mouth will convenience me.


----------



## illwill

Do not let her see you crying. You need to toughen up a bit. Or fake it until you make it.


----------



## bandit.45

Father of two said:


> No she called me on the phone, yes he could be intercepted them, but she told me she knows in her own voice over the phone.
> 
> 
> 
> Hard not to cry with my kids pulling triggers. I'll try.


You've got to be stronger now than you have ever been in your life. With your wife mentally out to lunch, your kids need you to be a rock for them. I know its hard, but you have to reach down inside your soul and grab the strength where you can find it. 

So if the OMW wants to bury her head in the sand....so be it. You did your due diligence. Her hubby will be back to form banging another chick in a few months.


----------



## Father of two

Squeakr said:


> I was only referring to the last emailing and not the ones prior or your talks prior. This last emailing just seemed to come out of the blue and changed the way she had been dealing with you and the situation and the tones with which she was dealing with you, at least that is the way it read to me. Meaning this final email had been intercepted and the OM was just trying to put a stop to your conversations/ exchanges without her knowledge.


No, she did not want me to contact again, on the phone. She asked in person over the phone that I not contact her again, and I did anyway. I will not talk to her again.


----------



## bandit.45

Checklist:

1) Bank - separate your finances. Make sure your wife cannot access your paycheck.

2) Doctor - get STD tested and ask for an SSRI script. 

3) Lawyer - go see a lawyer who will give you a free consult on what you can expect in a divorce. Quit guessing and arm yourself with information. 

4) Expose - tell her family and yours what she did. 

5) Back off - go somewhere by yourself for a few days if you can. Get yourself together.


----------



## hereinthemidwest

Why the hell wouldn't the guys wife not want to know???? Maybe he's telling her your a jealous crazed person. I personally would want to know. 

Hang in there....she's not going far without a job and I supect her bf isn't going to leave his wife for her any time soon.

Something not right thou...she should be kissing your ass!


----------



## barbados

Father of two said:


> No, she did not want me to contact again, on the phone. She asked in person over the phone that I not contact her again, and I did anyway. I will not talk to her again.


So the POSOM's W has probably been through this before, as he is 46 and most likely had other affairs. You did the right thing and exposed, as she had a right to know, now move on. She probably wants to rug sweep it with him. Nothing you can do about her.


----------



## Squeakr

hereinthemidwest said:


> Why the hell wouldn't the guys wife not want to know???? Maybe he's telling her your a jealous crazed person. I personally would want to know.
> 
> Hang in there....she's not going far without a job and I supect her bf isn't going to leave his wife for her any time soon.
> 
> Something not right thou...she should be kissing your ass!



I agree that this probably isn't the OMW's first bout at the rodeo. She has probably heard enough and this is the straw that is breaking the proverbial camel's back. She may have enough from prior indiscretions and rather than rehash, she has just decided to end it with the her H (the OM), which could be worse for FOT in the long run, as this frees him up for FOT's WW.


----------



## russell28

Father of two said:


> There has been no other sighs in our past, she ether got sloppy with this one, or it's the first. I had a gut feeling about the affair long before I confronted her.
> 
> I have asked, but What will that prove? She has lied so many times. Hell we have agreed to start over when I learned it was just a ea. And that was hard enough. And she swore that there were no more lies a clean table, She still lied..... Is she done lying? Doubtful.....
> 
> She swears this is the first. I want to believe her, but no amount of words out of that mouth will convenience me.


It could very well be the first.. she got close to the guy at work, he started to fill her needs, make her feel special and poof.. next thing you know he's telling her how wonderful he is and what a loser you are, and she starts to convince herself the same. He gives her attention, and tells her sad stories about his wife to the point where eventually your wife'll give him sex. So along with the other stuff here that people mention about R, the most important thing is that she understands boundaries, what they are, where she went wrong etc... It wasn't when she invited him into your bed, it was the first time she let him buy her a coffee, or talking to him about you, or going to lunch.. Any time she disrespected your marriage by even flirting with another man, or implying that she might fancy him.. 

All affairs have one thing in common, they come with trickle truth.. it goes something like this:

We are just friends.

We had an emotional affair, it lasted a couple months.

We slept together, but just a few times.

I've been sleeping with him regularly for over a year.

For three years I've been sleeping with him, his apartment, walks in woods, at work.. 

Yes, I brought him here on the day you took the kids away.

For five years, I've been sleeping with him, add sisters apartment on sundays, showers together, gifts, days off work together...


Yea, this is my story.... It took a few months to get it all.

Do a google on 'trickle truth', use the quotes.


----------



## russell28

Squeakr said:


> I agree that this probably isn't the OMW's first bout at the rodeo. She has probably heard enough and this is the straw that is breaking the proverbial camel's back. She may have enough from prior indiscretions and rather than rehash, she has just decided to end it with the her H (the OM), which could be worse for FOT in the long run, as this frees him up for FOT's WW.


It could also have the effect of him being pissed at FOTs wife for blowing up his marriage, not being able to lie her way out of it, failing the affair by exposing it to light. Usually cheaters like someone that is attached, because it allows them to cake eat. No marriage, no cake.. He can find another married woman that will trade some sex for kind words. They also know that there's a pissed off husband out there that wants to destroy them. If they have just the tiniest brain they should be able to figure this one out.


----------



## Truthseeker1

russell28 said:


> It could also have the effect of him being pissed at FOTs wife for blowing up his marriage, not being able to lie her way out of it, failing the affair by exposing it to light. Usually cheaters like someone that is attached, because it allows them to cake eat. No marriage, no cake.. H*e can find another married woman that will trade some sex for kind words.*


That is so true and really sad....


----------



## workindad

OP schedule a poly for her. You will get the truth. Give her one last chance in the parking lot to come clean. 

Trickle truth sucks. A shame she can't see that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nuclearnightmare

bandit.45 said:


> Checklist:
> 
> 1) Bank - separate your finances. Make sure your wife cannot access your paycheck.
> 
> 2) Doctor - get STD tested and ask for an SSRI script.
> 
> 3) Lawyer - go see a lawyer who will give you a free consult on what you can expect in a divorce. Quit guessing and arm yourself with information.
> 
> 4) Expose - tell her family and yours what she did.
> 
> 5) Back off - go somewhere by yourself for a few days if you can. Get yourself together.


OP:
the above is a nice, compact list of good things for you to do I think. 1-3 and 5 are especially essential, to do ASAP items I think.

when you're able to do #5, here are a couple observations and questions you might consider:

i. you had mentioned your anger....the reason you are angry is that she has BETRAYED you and HUMILIATED you! i.e. I think you should be angry at her, and *stay* angry at her. If you decide to separate or divorce that anger will help you detach from her.

ii. The woman you've encountered lately - that's the REAL her. she like many (too many) people can take on a much nicer 'shell' of a peronality for a period of time. a very convincing but artificial presentation of who she is.

iii. I assume what she did nauseates you....probably literally. so WHY DO YOU STILL WANT HER? Can you not see yourself with someone better than her?? Most available women your age are much better put together than she is. I think like most BS you'll have to choose between reconciliation and your own self-respect. and you won't like life without the latter, though you may not realize this until you look back on it all much later on (read some of the stories on here about BS having 2nd thoughts about not divorcing 10, 20 years after the affairs)

iv. I think you'd be better off without her and with someone else. your strategy for doing this may need time to play out so that child custody. financial and other issues can be worked out in favor of your needs and those of your kids. So take your time, get some legal advice, do some planning, think creatively......BUT...I think you need to seriously envision a life without her as your wife.


----------



## SadSamIAm

Father of two said:


> We are going to talk to the counselor. I suggest that she reads this thread, and she is. Maybe a mistake, hell all of this could be a mistake...


If she reads the thread, she is going to be telling you that everyone here is jaded and poisoning you. That you can trust her, that she has told you everything.

The problem is that we have seen this happen over and over again. Trickle truth. They admit to the least amount of infidelity that they think they can get away with. If you find more, they admit a bit more. But you need to find it and you need to have proof or they will deny.

That is why you need the DNA tests. That is why you need to control things. Passwords, phones, etc.

They have proven they can't be trusted. They have to earn your trust. The minute they give you the 'invasion of privacy', just talking to girl friends, etc. you will know that they are at it again. If there is nothing to hide, they will have no problem being totally transparent to gain your trust back.


----------



## workindad

If she is reading this thread and is serious in any way about saving her marriage... She will begin to do some of the things mentioned without you asking her to. 

How hard is it to get tested for stds. Embarrassing yes. Make sure she shows you lab results in writing as it is easy to lie and say yes I went and it was all good. 

Again actions not words.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jnj express

Hey father of 2---Calif---is kind of quirky about family law---there are mandatory decisions made as to property and custody payments, based on a set schedule---that goes and usually doesn't change---everything else including custody, is up to the judge, and what the atty's say in the coutroom---so nothing is set in stone---the best thing you can do for yourself---is go to google---go to calif statutes, and read all the statutes in the FAMILY LAW section---that will cover EVERYTHING, you will encounter---so you can get your answers anytime you want---you do not need to go to an atty, unless you need interp., and of course if you decide to pursue D

One thing you need to know----when a criminal commits a crime---there needs to be some good solid punishment, if there is not---the criminal will commit that crime again---AS THEY GOT WHAT THEY WANTED, AND THERE WAS NO PUNISHMENT TO THEM---they got away with what the set out to do---so WHY NOT DO IT AGAIN

Your wife has for whatever reason---"dissed" you at the highest level, and also PUT YOUR SON IN DANGER, BY BRINGING THIS GUY TO YOUR HOUSE----that is UNFORGIVEABLE---in all reality, she did not know that much about him, that he wasn't gonna do harm to your son, that he wasn't a loony/druggie/criminal/abusive--and there he was in your house with your son in the next room, basically unprotected------your wife I am sorry to say, is one very lousy speciman of a mother---you can argue that point all you want---she is a bad wife, and a terrible mother---no matter how you wanna spin it---nothing will ever be right in your family AGAIN---and it is all on your WIFE

Once again, as to custody, and who gets what---that depends, on how much of a bulldog you have for an atty, but in Calif---nothing is EVER CUT AND DRY

Don't know that your wife really loves her lover, as much as just wanted some foreign spice, and got bored with you---who knows---only you really know the state of your mge, prior to all of this, and why your wife might have strayed---I am sure you can come up with some answers---then it goes on her, as to what her thought process was

Bottom line---this not going away---you can either suck it up, and stay with her---and you will live in MISERY, and your kids will live in a miserable household---cuz the underlying currents will never be good------or you can do probably what is best for you, and the kids---and move on----also at this point no matter what---DEMAND, YOUR WIFE TRY AND FIND A JOB---that may be harder said than done---for there is, in Calif., usually 400 people lined up for every job coming available----


----------



## Will_Kane

Father of two said:


> We both have Iphones, I had her link all of her emails and phone number to my number. I see every email and text that leaves the phone.


What about messaging applications, like WhatsApp?


----------



## theroad

Father of two said:


> Good point,
> 
> I also said I would try, and I will. I did not say it will work out.... The thing is, I will never be able to watch her 24/7, So I'm trying to support her to decide what she wants out of life. She needs help, as do I. We cant make decisions this second, thus I will try until we can make decisions. Is my marriage over, Yep! Sure is. Will I try to start another one with the same women...... Time will tell. I, nor my wife is in any position to make a decision.
> 
> She clams she never wants to see him again. I want to give her time to see if this feeling changes with time. BTW, If we d, I loose my kids, she has no job, we live in California, and we are barely scraping by as it is. I can not support two households, so I would have to get another job, when would I get to see my kids?


There is no reason to support to households. WW commits to you or leaves, and without the kids.

The longer you allow WW to work with the OM the more the OM will bang your WW.


----------



## theroad

Will_Kane said:


> Bringing him into your house, having sex with him in your bed, with your kids home - this is a sign of deep-seated resentment or hatred of you by your wife. Are you sure she was "in love" with this guy and not just "in hate" with you?
> 
> Most cheaters still have some modicum of respect for their spouses, so they won't bring the affair partner into their own home. When the cheater does bring the affair partner into the home to have sex in the marital bed, usually it is much, much more than just being "in love" with the affair partner or wanting to have sex with the affair partner - usually, it is more about hurting the spouse, desecrating the home (even if subconsciously).


A new mattress today,

A new house as soon as you can sell the old. You will never heal. No way that you will be able to ever have a good nights sleep in this house ever again.


----------



## theroad

Father of two said:


> Given full access to all emails and contact list. Agreed to have a STD test, we need to work on the school, but she has agreed to do what ever (We can not afford to start paying back the loans yet) She give me her phone when I ask for it.


How has WW agreed to work on leaving her job ASAP?


----------



## Will_Kane

theroad said:


> How has WW agreed to work on leaving her job ASAP?


She is in college/grad school, doesn't have a job, used to work before she went back to school. School is where she met other man. Other man's wife says he won't be going back to school. I don't think wayward wife has even offered to quit school, I don't think she would even if her marriage depended on it, just the sense I get from it.


----------



## theroad

Father of two said:


> I agree, but the only way to find out is time. As of now she is doing everything I ask with no hesitation. It could be hate of me. Her cheating is a pretty good indicator of that. She swears it's not hate, but what else is she going to say to that question.
> 
> 
> 
> We together, recovered the text messages. not all of them were there, but what was there lined up with what she said happened. Also the number showed up as unknown, I copied the number down, so it looked like she deleted his contact. There is one email account that I have not seen yet and it is the school email account that they both go to. We spent some time trying to log in but she could not remember the password as she clams she never uses it. We have to contact IT to fix it. I will be there when it first opens. I expect the worst give how everything has gone so far. But who knows, maybe it will be packed full of junk email that has not been read sense she got the account. Her story is, she does not use the account. I look at it as one more possable lie.
> 
> I also contested the guys wife again, updating her on the class sharing and possible STD's. God knows what she is going through right now.


You will never get the truth. You are letting WW delete information before she shows you anything. No wonder her lies are lying up with what she is showing you.


----------



## theroad

Chaparral said:


> It would be odd for her not to use her school acct. That is how teachers and the school communicates with students. That was considerable in my daughter's and son's case.


So true these days teachers are required to log on to their PC every day and check their work email.

More lies. Your WW has not stopped lying.


----------



## theroad

workindad said:


> Still use a var as you cannot know if she has a burner phone. Her quitting school will not stop her cheating. She has no qualms about bringing him to your house and fvcking him in your marital bed with the kids there. Nice girl.
> 
> Paternity test the kids.
> Polygraph to find out how many other men she has shared your marital bed with.
> 
> I am sorry this is happening to you. Do not be surprised if she did things with om that she will or has not done with you in bed.
> 
> Stay strong. Good luck
> 
> Post him to cheaterville.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



By all means hide a VAR in the house and WW car. Also hide a GPS in WW car as well.


----------



## theroad

Father of two said:


> I would love to do this, but it is easier said than done. What do I do with my kids? They go with her? NO.


Waiting for your WW to chose OM or you is not fighting for your marriage or family.

Being you do not want to fight the answer to your question is no the kids do not leave the marital home.

You get a lawyer and file for divorce now. Do not leave your kids or the house or you will get bent over in court.


----------



## Chaparral

Its too early to bring her here. You are still in investigative mode. If she knows everything you are doing, she will bet you like a drum.


----------



## illwill

Bad idea bringing her here. She is still the enemy. Why give her your game plan? Not smart. Until she proves some sort of loyalty and remorse keep her away, for now. All our advice is now tainted.


----------



## old_soldier

Father of two said:


> Ok, maybe some clarification. I suspected my wife of cheating and approached her about the texting (all that I had at the time). She transferred schools not due to him but for more classes. I confront her again three days ago after seeing an "Love you" email, she claims a emotional affair. She claims she breaks it off with him. I ask for the phone to verify. She breaks down and tells me everything.... well almost......
> They had sex, there was sexting, *he came to our house and they had sex in my bed. *
> 
> Then later, as we continue to talk over the course of the day. She finally tells me two more pieces of the puzzle. He transferred with her and they share two classes and been sleeping before and after class. And my son was asleep when he came over.
> 
> At this point I'm done digging. There is nothing else that would really shock me or make it worse. It is obvious to me she fell in love with this guy with no end in site. She claims to have given him up, but I don't believe her. She her self is going to recover the texts and show me how they ended it. As she thinks it will help. She says she does not want to go to school anymore. But more over I can not control her ever second. If she wants to be with him, fine. If she want to stay with me, then I will try too.


At this point in time, personally, I would drag that bed out into the back yard, douse it with kerosene and set it ablaze. (If you can afford it of course) That bed is tainted. It is dirty, so dirty in fact that it will never be clean again. You will never be clean if you ever have to sleep in their f_ck space. My opinion only.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

She brought him to your home to have some quality time together, what a POS wife you had. She brought him when your son was there. We know he wasnt sleeping the whole time. Was she brought him to introduce his new daddy?

Then she allowed him to puke on your marital bed; That was her quality time. If he peed on your tooth brush she may have stood there laughing and next day when you use it she may have been standing there watching you with a smile. She is a real piece of work.

You deserve something better in your life man, not a life with a women like this. You deserve faaaar better than this. 

Is it OK for her if you had brought some ***** into your bed and apologise for it to her when busted? She is in damage control and manipulation, watch your back carefully, even if you R or D.

Take your own time to decide what you wanted in your life. Kids are very important in taking that decision but it docent mean that you need to live in misery for ever with a cheater and lire.


----------



## warlock07

Father of two said:


> She refuses to leave the kids. Sadly I kinda agree. Maybe that is why she refuses, I'm weak in this way when it comes to my children. My daughter is a very passionate little girl and she does not do well being away from ether one of us for long.
> 
> She says she will do anything but leave her kids. I informed her that if we divorce the kids will be not be with her mother all the time anyway.


What the hell was she thinking when she was f*cking another guy in your marital bed ? What did she think would happen ? That you would give her an open marriage ?

False bravado and false promises. She will do anything but leave the kids ? How about not destroying their childhood for starters and devastate their dad ?

One more thing. Make her get a job. You probably paid for the school, right ?


----------



## harrybrown

So she did all these things for the OM and you are her backup plan. How does she explain that you are not her backup plan?

She did all these things for an older man. What wonderful thing has she done for you to show you how much she loves you? 

Ask her to do something wonderful for you! How about to never cheat on you? Oh wait, she already had this older man in your bed. 

So what does she say she will do for you that is so wonderful and she has loved you all the time? 

When she did it in your bed that is total disrespect for you, and she should sign an agreement that she will not get anything if you divorce.


----------



## Shaggy

Don't you find it a little too easy how quickly she found religion and chose to be the good wife once fully caught?

Yet, inside she's still running on the same logic, morals, and decision making that she was when she invited him into your bed to have sex with your wife.

My point is that you need to really and fully address her choices here and impose severe consequences for her having made them.

Her goal is to negotiate them down to nothing - to throw tears, snot, and as little sex as she has to, in order to placate you into forgiving and rugsweeping.

That would be your worst mistake here because all she will learn from that is that she needs to be smarter next time.

Start with the actions outline here already, including a new bed this weekend bought by her.

Post the OM on cheaterville

And have her schedule her polygraph.


----------



## just got it 55

bandit.45 said:


> And get arrested for arson.
> 
> C'mon.....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No need to set it on fire

Let the OMW do it Then Video it and go virel

With a caption

How hot is it now MF'S


----------



## Shaggy

You can always leave it on the OMs door step, after having pissed on it!


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## just got it 55

Shaggy said:


> You can always leave it on the OMs door step, after having pissed on it!


That works too Mark your territory


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## soulseer

don't bring her here . 

This place has insiders knowledge. If she comes here you have no upper hand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris989

soulseer said:


> don't bring her here .
> 
> This place has insiders knowledge. If she comes here you have no upper hand.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The OP has already stated that she found the thread.


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## missthelove2013

So she comes to you and admits a LONG TERM affair...NOT a one nighter or a couple sexual laisons...but a relationship

Without reading past the op, she either got dumped by the ow, IS going to get dumper by the OM, or someone you know saw them and she is about to get caught

my opinions of course


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## hereinthemidwest

Stay strong and pull yourself together. Be firm with her. Tell point blank WHAT YOU NEED. She not going anywhere. She has no money and no job. OM probably tossed her under the bus once his wife was told. My opinion she'll stay in the marriage but her hearts not there. Once she finished school and you worked your ass off so she could go...she's gone! This was both EA and PA. 
Sorry you are going through this. Sucks!


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## manfromlamancha

Fof2, I have been following your thread from the start. Just as a recap
you enable her to have a good life and go to school
she starts up an affair with an older man (15 years older)
you catch her and she claims it is an EA
you press and threaten to recover texts and she admits (trickle truthing all the way) that it was a PA
you find out that she brought him into your bed
the OMW is slowly coming round to believing you and possibly disabling the A from continuing
she is now acting remorseful (sort of) except that she is not very proactive or doing much heavy lifting

Now what in this list suggests that she "saw the light" and genuinely loves you and is in love with you. Whether you love her or not has nothing to do with this - she does not appear to love you and I may go so far as to say, as another poster has pointed out, she despises you! Hence the extreme disrespect of having him in your house AND in your bed - not having this minimum of respect for you indicates no chance of being in love with you. So how can you do anything other than firstly, the 180 to repair yourself, and also file for D to giver her consequences. I am a father of 4 and I do understand how tough it is going to be on the kids, but they are more robust than you think and things could work out better than you think. The bottom line is why would she not do this again with a different OM given the chance - you need to get down to the bottom of why she did this and how she will provide you with assurance and confidence that not only does she now (magically) love you but also that this would never happen again - this is a tough thing for her to accomplish at the moment hence the advice you are being given to focus on yourself and distance yourself from her.


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## Father of two

bandit.45 said:


> Checklist:
> 
> 1) Bank - separate your finances. Make sure your wife cannot access your paycheck.
> 
> 2) Doctor - get STD tested and ask for an SSRI script.
> 
> 3) Lawyer - go see a lawyer who will give you a free consult on what you can expect in a divorce. Quit guessing and arm yourself with information.
> 
> 4) Expose - tell her family and yours what she did.
> 
> 5) Back off - go somewhere by yourself for a few days if you can. Get yourself together.





hereinthemidwest said:


> Why the hell wouldn't the guys wife not want to know???? Maybe he's telling her your a jealous crazed person. I personally would want to know.
> 
> Hang in there....she's not going far without a job and I supect her bf isn't going to leave his wife for her any time soon.
> 
> Something not right thou...she should be kissing your ass!





manfromlamancha said:


> Fof2, I have been following your thread from the start. Just as a recap
> you enable her to have a good life and go to school
> she starts up an affair with an older man (15 years older)
> you catch her and she claims it is an EA
> you press and threaten to recover texts and she admits (trickle truthing all the way) that it was a PA
> you find out that she brought him into your bed
> the OMW is slowly coming round to believing you and possibly disabling the A from continuing
> she is now acting remorseful (sort of) except that she is not very proactive or doing much heavy lifting
> 
> Now what in this list suggests that she "saw the light" and genuinely loves you and is in love with you. Whether you love her or not has nothing to do with this - she does not appear to love you and I may go so far as to say, as another poster has pointed out, she despises you! Hence the extreme disrespect of having him in your house AND in your bed - not having this minimum of respect for you indicates no chance of being in love with you. So how can you do anything other than firstly, the 180 to repair yourself, and also file for D to giver her consequences. I am a father of 4 and I do understand how tough it is going to be on the kids, but they are more robust than you think and things could work out better than you think. The bottom line is why would she not do this again with a different OM given the chance - you need to get down to the bottom of why she did this and how she will provide you with assurance and confidence that not only does she now (magically) love you but also that this would never happen again - this is a tough thing for her to accomplish at the moment hence the advice you are being given to focus on yourself and distance yourself from her.


She has been doing the "heavy lift" or at least anything I ask her to do. I also have a hard time with all of this because she asked me for help before all of this started, she wanted to go to counseling before the affair. And I knew we had our problems but I chose to ignore them for the most part. It actually wasn't until she was in the middle of the affair I felt like out marriage was turning around for the better.... As sick as that sounds.... Her needs were being met and so were mine. Or maybe the guilt fed her actions during that time.??? At any rate, we are going to counseling for now until we both know what we want. She pleaded for the counseling ftw... I truly do not believe this affair started as a sexual one. I've seen the guy...


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## LostViking

Have you verified the affair is over. What steps were outlined by the other posters have you completed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

Father of two said:


> She has been doing the "heavy lift" or at least anything I ask her to do. I also have a hard time with all of this because she asked me for help before all of this started, she wanted to go to counseling before the affair. And I knew we had our problems but I chose to ignore them for the most part. It actually wasn't until she was in the middle of the affair I felt like out marriage was turning around for the better.... As sick as that sounds.... Her needs were being met and so were mine. Or maybe the guilt fed her actions during that time.??? *At any rate, we are going to counseling for now until we both know what we want.* She pleaded for the counseling ftw... I truly do not believe this affair started as a sexual one. I've seen the guy...



Counseling at this point is a waste of money and time. If you dont know what your end goal is, you're throwing money into the wind.

Your wife has low ethics and morals. She has shown that lack quite blatantly. That wont change at all during counseling. Will counseling help her ramp up her ethics and morals?

It takes years.

Further, she has not shown true remorse. She probably knows she has no where to go. You're the hook she currently sunk her teeth at. But what a poor catch! Unhook her and let her go. Move on. She's a poor example of a wife and a mother.

There are some lessons in life she needs to learn on her own.


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## jnj express

I have to tell you---that the excuse that your wife's needs were not being met, caused her to spread her legs, is BS

If things were that bad---what good was going to another man---it did not help solve the marital problems---what it did was destroy everyone involved, including your kids lives----this is not going away any time soon, and your kids are gonna know something is not right with "mommy and daddy"

What she should have done, if she had any kind of character, and was a decent wife and mother, was to get in your face, and make you understand what was going on---or threaten you with D----

Had she put her time into working on the mge---this wouldn't be happening

Also how much satisfaction did she really need----was she gonna run off with this guy---a few trips to the bedroom didn't do it for her---what was it she really wanted---she got her attention---but the mge was still not doing well---and now she was hiding a horrible deep cancer from you

Her deceit is way beyond what she needed to satisfy her requirement for attention---she brought her lover into your home, and had sex in the marital bed----HOW DOES SHE EVER EXPLAIN THAT, along with putting her own child in jeopardy from a man she did not REALLY KNOW---the excuse they needed more private time is BS----what was he ---her new H---that she needed all this time with him----then sex before and after class day after day---do you honestly think you are ever gonna get over this

If you wanna do right by your kids---you get your D, and move on, and allow the kids to be in somewhat happy split homes-----you thinking you can stay, and make it work----Big question mark.

I know others have, but at what punishment and misery to themselves---everyday they are forced to look at their cheating spouse, knowing full well and exactly what that spouse willingly and happily did to them----if you R, you are in for a long hard time, no matter what your wife does to make it work----------why didn't she do the work before she destroyed you---why now, why all of a sudden does she wanna make it work--------


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## Vulcan2013

You should have been more open to MC before, bur that did not "make" her cheat.


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## Bugz Bunny

WOW what a disaster... she disrespected you and humiliated you in the worst way possible... she brought him in your home,in your bed and the even more sick thing is that your son was in the house while she was banging this POS. 

She also now has a student loan that you will probably pay since she doesnt work and you are a nice guy ... and the only accomplishment of the loan money is a destroyed family...

So to sum it up you will have to pay back the student loan,buy a new bed,buy new clothes for her and find a new house in order to try to heal properly...

And since his wife is reading this thread here is a message to her: congratulations you ruined your husband emotionally,physically and you will ruin your family financially now too...I hope it was worth it...

And as for you guys who are giving him great advice about VAR and keylogger dont waste your energy because his wife is reading this thread...

As for the advice I cant give you anything better then what was given already so I just wrote you the facts.You should read them and pretend that this happened to someone else while you read and then decide what you would tell this poor guy to do and follow the advice...


Good Luck


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## Shaggy

When is her polygraph?


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## Kallan Pavithran

Shaggy said:


> When is her polygraph?




What is the need for a polygraph? What he needed is a shark lawyer. She is not worthy of his life. I think he will realise this soon and save his life from future misery and pain.


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## Tover26

Fof2, at some point in counseling or by reading, you'll start to hear some of the counterpoints... but you know as does everyone here, that there is a system shock that occurs on DDay and then aftershocks through trickle truth that make it hard to think. As I've read this... there are a few things that keep coming up:
1. Polygraph. Set the date by which she does it. It forces either new trickle truth or it verifies. I'm with Bandit, Shaggy, Chaparal and others on this... how quickly she came clean. Sometimes, honesty is used to hide other things. My wife sure used it that way. 
2. Counseling. Is hard. Good luck. I kept the family together for 2012 while my wife was on a journey of self-discovery and I hated every minute of it. 
3. Burning/destroying the mattress, "worst possible way", in your house, etc. Y'know what? Cheaters suck. They aren't thinking clearly. They're not thinking about you, us, or any waywards. They're thinking of the moment. And, the bed etc... It's just stuff. Stuff is replaceable. Getting rid of stuff will actually help you short term... but unless you have infinite money, there will come a point where that does not work. It all adds up. I think my wife blew through $28,000 during her affair. 

A counterpoint to a lot of this, it isn't even about hating you, loving them, or whatever. Cheaters live in the moment, for the moment, and weaknesses in their character were at play. We all have them... maybe we're just lucky that today isn't the day our weaknesses are on center stage. I would put out there that the only question that matters, ever, is: what kind of a person do you want to be? Since you're not thinking clearly, be that person. 

Lastly, it isn't about your wife picking you or loving you. She already picked you and you two were married and have kids together. The same question applies - what kind of person does she want to be? Assuming positive intent, lets say she doesn't want to be the kind of person who cheats. Okay... so, the next best thing is to be the kind of person capable of recovering and not every making that mistake again. Trust but verify. If this was a one time thing, the polygraph and/or time will tell. People do make mistakes and eventually you'll read about the kind of cheater who eventually wants to end it, feel trapped by their own bad decisions, but don't know how to end it and so set themselves up to be caught... like leaving their cell phone out where you can see an "I love you" message. 

Be strong. Stay honorable.


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## LongWalk

If you are going to stay together in an R attempt, why not have her write out a post nip agreement, stating: "I committed adultery. To save my marriage I will do x,y and z. 

If marriage fails, I will pay my husband back all tuition from college, which is where I met my partner in adultery. 

She needs to everything on the list and more. It is the more that counts here. Expressions of love and affection that show that she hurts because you are hurting.

You don't have to be a hard asz in the style that others suggest, but you must be strong inside. You can exhibit sorrow, but you cannot be needy.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Tover26

When I met with an attorney to write the postnup, we stipulated certain conditions under which the postnup would become active... and you can't write them as a past admission of guilt. In fact, the more they look like a confession, the less likely they are to stand up in court. I live in VA and could not stipulate child custody; courts decide that. 

As such, the conditions stipulated would be based on a burden of proof for:
- Relapsing on drugs
- Any infidelity, with a legal definition based on how the state defines it
- Any criminal conviction where she is found guilty that is above a moving violation or misdemeanor, there's a legal term for this but I can't remember it

We had to declare all joint and separate marital assets and I bought her out of a few things, like retirement accounts and principal residence ownership. Make no mistake - a postnup, right after DDay - is punitive. It screams "I want to punish you!" I waited a good 5 months after DDay#1 and 2 months after DDay#2 just so that I could approach it with a clear head.


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