# I verbally and emotionally abused my partner.



## Badlover (Jan 6, 2011)

My boyfriend of one year and I have gone through a tumultuous relationship this past year. I started dating him out of desperation for a business partner without even realizing it. He fed into my delusion by being extremely interested in the business at the time. He told me everything I wanted to hear (without knowing I was mentally blowing it out of proportion without him knowing) and I created this fantasy that we were absolutely perfect and unstoppable. I fell in love with him and we had amazing times together, no one in the world is more fun, sweet, funny or pure than he and I love him. A few months later he realized involvement in my business was not what he wanted and I was insanely upset and afraid. I couldn't handle it and would react angrily toward him when the subject came up. I became verbally and emotionally abusive toward him without even realizing. He never told me how he felt due to fear of losing me. One minute I was fun loving and normal, the second something about business came up I would get very angry and tell him how angry I was in a really mean way (with the limits of no swearing, yelling, hitting or name calling). Deep down I really loved him, I was just very scared and angry and pretty confused on why. But I continued to nagg and provoke and argue with him, which I didn't even realize was deeply hurting and confusing him. This went on for a couple months until my anger got so hot I couldn't handle or make sense of it. It made no logical sense to me cause (although he accepted the blame) I knew he was innocent and didn't deserve it. I told him how I couldn't make sense of my anger and he really hadn't done anything (although he said he did) and wanted to figure it out. I asked him to take a week long break from eachother to gather our thoughts and see how we felt having no contact. During that week to myself I realized everything I had done to him. I told him I have realized what I was doing and am so ashamed I feel nauseous. I feel so sick inside like I don't want to eat, I have this constant stomach and head ache. I can't stop crying and saying I'm sorry and don't deserve his forgiveness. He forgives me and I feel soo unworthy, I lost 7 pounds in the past couple days and can't stop thinking about all the mean things I said. I can tell he is hurt after our realization and feel like giving him permission to do something to hurt me. I feel like such a disgusting horrible scum bag who deserves to be thrown down the stairs. I am so sorry and cry everytime I think of how kind and patient he's been and told him I wouldn't even have forgiven me. Even writing this hurts so bad it's hard to even stop crying long enough to type correctly. What can I do to make him feel better? Should I give him permission to cheat on me or do something hurtful so I can feel the way he did. I haven't seen him since we took the break, so it's been a little over a week. Although I miss him I'm scared to see him cause I cry simply thinking of him, I will be a blubbering fool in person. What can I do to get him even with me and feeling better?


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Why in the world would you want HIM to feel awful? Hasn't he suffered enough? If he's the good guy you portray him to be, he wouldn't cheat even if you gave him permission to. I just don't understand why you would want him to feel horrible, just b/c you are. 
Your wanting him to get even with you doesn't show maturity on your part. It would simply "allow" you to relieve yourself of the guilt. There are ways you can make this up to him, if you feel you have to do something. You don't have to expect him to do something horrible so that you'll feel better. There are other ways of making yourself feel better, and feel worthy of the love he's offering you. 
I don't know what those things are, since I don't know your b/f. But I'm sure you could think of something.
You really need to get past this, though. You can't unring the bell, all you can do is change the tune. Change what you're doing, become the type of g/f that he deserves, and maybe consider counseling so that you can root out what caused you to behave like this in the first place?


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## Badlover (Jan 6, 2011)

I don't want him to feel bad, that's the last thing I'd ever want to do again. I just love him so much and thought there was something I could do to make him feel better. I'm just so lost. I told him everything and I am starting anger management therapy Monday, but I know I hurt him and want to make him feel better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Badlover said:


> I don't want him to feel bad, that's the last thing I'd ever want to do again. I just love him so much and thought there was something I could do to make him feel better. I'm just so lost. I told him everything and I am starting anger management therapy Monday, but I know I hurt him and want to make him feel better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You're taking a great, positive step by seeking AM counseling. What's done is done. All you can do is to go forward. There probably ARE things you can do to make him feel better. For me, if my sweetie had treated me that way..AM counseling would show me that he took it seriously and realized his errors and was going to make some changes. That would go a long way. 
Again..I don't know your b/f..but you do. Surely you can think of some things that would make him feel special, make him feel that you DO cherish him and that you're going to be a better g/f now? I can tell you this much...if someone has done something to hurt me, repeatedly apologizing only makes me feel worse. (unless it's cheating) If he brings up something you said, apologize for saying it. Otherwise, you've already apologized, now set about to SHOWING him that you love him and want things to get better.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Badlover said:


> I don't want him to feel bad, that's the last thing I'd ever want to do again. I just love him so much and thought there was something I could do to make him feel better. I'm just so lost. I told him everything and I am starting anger management therapy Monday, but I know I hurt him and want to make him feel better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


the hardest thing you're going to have to do is learn to forgive yourself. you verbally and emotionally beat him up but now you've turned that anger and abuse on yourself. learn to find a peaceful medium where you accept what you did wrong and take proactive steps to move forward. these things take time so dont try and rush the healing process. and dont allow him to do anything mean to you. it will cause resentment for you and complicate the healing process. two wrongs dont make a right.


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