# Is it really over? Where do I go from here? Advice needed!!



## NewMama (May 27, 2015)

I am recently separated from my husband. I am 26yrs old, we have been married for 2yrs, and we have a 10mth old daughter together. He is pushing for a divorce, and I am doing everything in my power to stop it. I don’t want a divorce and I have offered up as many solutions as I can think of to help repair our marriage. There has been no lies or infidelity (I think), we just fight ALL the time. We are living apart, even though I have yet to move my belongings out of our apt. I feel that he is extremely selfish, and puts his own wants/needs/desires before myself or our daughter.

Over the last 2 years, we’ve gone through things that most people don’t go through in a lifetime. He was active military, finished his service, had a baby, moved across the country back to our hometown, and he started college fulltime. Financially, physically, and emotionally, we have been put through the ringer. We finally got our own apt, and I landed a great stable job. But since he has started college, he has surrounded himself with 18-21yr olds, with no responsibilities, and he idolizes them. He wants his independence and freedom. He is constantly texting and adding young, beautiful girls that he meets at college to his social media accounts. And it bothers me, really really bothers me. I find it disrespectful and it plants doubt in my head.

On mother’s day (my first one ever), he told me that he didn’t get me anything to mark the occasion because he couldn’t find it in his heart to do something nice for me. He then calmly proceeded to tell me that a large part of him hates and resents me. I was shocked, and destroyed. I packed a large suitcase and left, and he never asked me to stay.

We’ve been apart since. At first I was in panic mode, calling and bothering him constantly. Then I realized that wasn’t doing me any good. So I changed my approach. I dove into work, became more social, and distanced myself from him, in the hopes that he would miss me. Not so much. If I don’t call or text him, I don’t hear from him. When we do speak, he talks to me with disgust and anger. It is absolutely breaking my heart. I remain calm and sweet, despite numerous hurtful rejections from him.

At what point do I give up? His rejections are really taking an emotional toll on me. I work full time, and when I’m not at work, I’m a full time mom. I find it hard to focus on anything. I know our marriage isn’t beyond repair, but he thinks it is, and that people never change. I can’t get him to even consider doing something proactive to fix us. Just when I think he’s totally checked out from us, he says something sweet to me, invites me over for dinner, or we have a great conversation, and it pulls me right back into having hope. He hasn’t made any moves yet, we still have only a joint bank account, and have shared everything. He says he hasn’t talked to an attorney yet, but I don’t know how true that is. He is stalling and I’m not too sure why (probably because he’s too lazy to do the legwork). His words and actions are that he is done with me, and the only future he sees is one without me.

What should I do? Do I give up, and make my own moves, thus starting the divorce process that I don’t want. Or wait for him to make a move, which could drag out for a long time. How do I know that its time? And how the hell do I let go of him? I still have to see him & communicate all the time because we have a young baby together.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

If you believe it is fixable and you truly want it to work as in you love this man and you can see a future with him - FIGHT! That said, take care of yourself - make sure you have a plan in place for you and your daughter that doesn't involve him - but while a lot of people might tell you to give up - as long as you can - fight to make this work.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Your H is selfish someone from your description. It also appears you are plan B. Plan A is the young college aged girls he is contacting and interacting with. 

Personally I would work on you, your daughter and serve him D papers before he gets the chance. 

You said he is military, any help from the base as far as legal litigation, etc?

Also, once things are done you only need to co-parent. As such, the only interaction is dropping off and picking up of your child. There is no need to talk other than what is related to the daughter.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is your husband? 
How long was he in the military? 

You said that he does things like invite you over that give you hope. Are you still having sex with him?

How much time is he spending with his child?

You said that the two of you fight all the time. What about? How do the fights start? 

He says he wants a divorce. Let him see what that means. From here on out interact with him according to the 180 (see link in my signature block below). He is living in a fantasy land where he has I you and a harem of young girls. Think of the head trip he is experiencing. .. he has you chasing him, begging him, taking any crumb he throws your way. An he has the younger girls. His head is spinning with all this attention. 

So remove yourself from the harem. It's like kicking out one leg from a stool. Let the reality that he is loosing you sink in. Do not contact him. Let him contact you. Do not jump at any chance to spend time with him. Tell him you are busy. Tell him that you will only spend time with him if he agress to working on you marriage. That means he stops all the nonsense with the college girls.

I'd show up on campus a few times with your baby so that it's clear to the college girls that they are participating in breaking up you child's family.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Is your marriage beyond repair? Maybe not. But you have to ask yourself, is this the kind of husband you want, or the kind of father you want for your baby?

Look at the facts you yourself outline:

-he treats you with disgust
-he idolizes girls barely out of high school read: with little emotional intelligence
-he doesn't value you and has basically said so with his behavior and his words (why couldn't he bring himself to do something nice for you for Mother's Day?)
-he says he hates and resents you

Do you really feel you deserve someone like this? If you had a girlfriend and she described someone she was in a relationship with like this, would you encourage her to stay with him? 

I think your attempt at remaining calm is admirable, but he doesn't value you. He has told you so. Is this the example you want to show your baby of what a healthy relationship is, as he/she grows up? 

Look into the 180, reconnect with friends, spend time with your baby, try some new hobbies, and just generally put as much value in what your husband thinks of you as he deserves - none.


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## NewMama (May 27, 2015)

He is 24, and he was in the military for 4 years, one of those years spent in Afghanistan. So the transition for him back to civilian life has been tough for him. But that’s no excuse as to why he is behaving the way that he is towards me.
As far as me expressing my feelings about how he treats me, and adding girls on social media, he definitely knows. That’s a part of the reason why we always argue. Because he gets defensive and calls me jealous, or that I’m always nagging him about who he is talking to and what he’s doing with his day. When in my reality, when hes texting on his phone non-stop or talking on social media, he's not paying any attention to me and my needs as his wife.


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## AnnRains (Oct 16, 2013)

What is the 180?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your husband is reveling in his life as a college student and the attention from younger girls. In other words, all that he missed when he was their age and in the military (not that he's very much older now) and the freedom that went with it. 

He could wake up soon but he may not. If he isn't interested in saving the marriage, you obviously can't make him. So focus on you and your daughter. Put a plan together for life without him in case you have to implement it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He is treating you terribly and all your crying 'nagging' is not going to help because he thinks he has the power in the relationship right now.
He sounds selfish, immature and cruel and not fit to be in a marriage and be a father anyhow. 

While he lives the college life surrounded by young men and women who have no responsibilities except to have a good time it is unlikely he will have any desire to return to the responsibilities of a marriage or fatherhood.

You must take him at his word and go dark on him. Do the 180 for yourself and your child, you have your own income so you can support yourself. Do you have family or friends that you can turn to for emotional support?

Set up your own bank account and do not support him (why should you while he is out having a good time and you do all the parenting duties whilst working?)

Get yourself a good lawyer and draw up a separation agreement include his responsibilites for your child in terms of visiting times and financial support. When you go legal, maybe reality will set in.

Let him see that you mean business. The 180 is for you not him. If he is shocked into doing something to win you back then let him work at it but don't make it too easy as he sounds very unkind and cruel and immature enough to pull more crap on you. 

If it does not work out you be learning (doing the 180 also) to emotionally detach and be strong enough to move forward without him. You are very young and have your whole life ahead of you.

IMHO, he may still be immature but your husband doesn't sound like very good husband or father material and you might see yourself 10-20 years from now having even worse problems. 
I know your are hurting right now but you have to take a long term view of this situation, you might well have a better future without him.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I hate saying this but he's toxic.

Please check out the following:

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559*
*The 180 degree rules*
*"Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... *.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm sorry, but this man doesn't love you. He doesn't even seem to like you. 

I don't know how severe your arguments once we're, but when you have a choice of either a.) going home to wife with young kid and knowing there's will be arguments or b.) hanging out with young people that only have fun and boost your ego, the choice is not not impossible to envision. Of course, many here know that marriage and raising a family requires a level of responsibility and commitment. 

This man doesn't really seem to have it in him yet, fully. In fact, lots of men don't until they're closer to late 30s/early 40s. 

So... Look at his actions. He doesn't want to stay together. Do you want to be with someone that doesn't care for you? I know it's hard but look at reality, it's the only thing that will carry you and your child into the future. Wouldn't you rather be with a man that adores you? 

You've also learned a valuable life lesson. Arguing and resentment kills relationships. Arguing (really arguing) imo is singularly the most damaging thing a couple can do to destroy their own marriage. No need to look outside for that kind of damage. So, if you contributed, own your share, learn, don't do it again, learn other ways to communicate your needs and upsets. If it's truly not your fault and you didn't contribute, find a man that doesn't need to resort to strong arguments to communicate. 

Also, last thing as I must go. I really think he may be cheating on you. Something in the way you describe his distance psychologically. This can most easily happen when someone else is in the picture. 

Time to get your ducks in a row methinks.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

I'm going to take a different OPINION on this one and you may not like it. 
I suspect your husband in no longer in love with you and no longer finds you attractive.
It also sounds like he is unable/unwilling/scared of telling you the brutal truth.
He may also be worried about the opinions that his family and friends will have of him.
Instead, he tries to push you away any way he can.
The occasional turn around and being nice is his conscience telling him he is gutless and being a total jerk so he tries to be nice for a while.
Shortly after he once again realises he is to gutless to actually tell you wants to leave you and carry this out with respect and like a man.
If he doesn't love you and doesn't want you, I suggest you have little option but to move on without him.
A lot of couples counselling might get him to open up, but even if he can he is only going to tell you why he fell out of love (if he even knows).
I recommend you do not bother with counselling (certainly not yet anyway).
Make it clear that he has treated you poorly and that he has not even been man enough to tell you how he feels, why he wants to leave you and has not treated a wife and a woman that he should.
Draw a line in the sand. Declare the relationship is over.
See an attorney about how to protect your finances.
Get your own bank account and tell him you are going to transfer half the savings.
Serve him papers (this is about the only thing I think that will shock him). Do it NOW.
Know and trust that if he wants you, he will move heaven and earth to get you back.
Warning. By leaving him and serving papers you may become something he wants again (it's the chase). Ignore his approaches. 
If you choose to make any comment, let him know that you no longer trust him and have not shown you the respect that a wife and mother of his child deserves.
If he continues to chase you, I suggest a good solid period apart (3 months or more) before you even begin to entertain the opportunity to R. 
Then if he pushes hard enough over several months YOU choose if you want to start couples counselling. He organises the meetings and pays for them.
If that goes well for a few months, you could consider proceeding with the relationship.
I'm sorry you are going through this but to me, it sounds like he has made his intentions very clear.
I hope the above actions allows him to grow up and do you right.


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## Jvo302 (May 28, 2015)

That's pretty messed up, I know all husband's and wife's have flaws as human beings and I believe the marriage should be saved especially when there's children's involved. Sometimes you just get tired of trying, its hard to give up but if theres nothing u can do leave it in gods hands. They shouldn't have to pay for their parents mistakes. I feel your pain in doing and trying everything. I'm a 26yr old man, my wife also 26 left me 2 months ago and she's 4 months pregnant tomorrow. I'm new to this site. I made a post yesterday with my story, I would love some advice as we were only married 3 weeks before she bailed on me.


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