# For Those With a Strong Marriage: Why Does Your Marriage Work?



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I was inspired to do this thread during a discussion we're having over on the Sex side.

I think a lot of people could stand to hear stories from people who's marriages are working, are strong, and who adore being married.

So perhaps this thread can serve as a point of inspiration, hope, or even a wake up call, to someone.

Why do you believe your marriage is working, and working well?


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i can say from my side of things...its selfish, im not going to be the one to fvck this up. it wont be my fault.

and...sex is important, the marriage must be first, over protocol, over feelings, then sex has to be there, above all else.

the only time we didnt have sex was when we seperated for 4 months..other than that, we fought, didnt "like" the other person, had our more than fair share of problems, but the sex just kept on happening.

through silent treatments, and after a full blown public argument, good times, great times, we did our fair share of with holding, but not enough to look back and say, hey you were doing this i know..

we kept on talking and fighting, and understanding and misunderstanding, because at the end of the day, we wanted to get back to having fun, and getting to the point where sex was different.

so we kept trying to fix something we knew could/would be great, and neither of us wants to be at fault for it going under. we both work to cover all angles and all sides...leave no question unasked or unanswered.

and for me personally, i know my husband loves me....and just because hes mad now, dosent mean he hates me, and "this too shall pass"...the storm always blows over.

another thing, my husband isnt using me for sex, anymore than im using him for his money, or using him for a place to live.....if anything we are using each other for comfort and company.

if i liked him yesterday, or last week or last month, i didnt stop, i have to ask him if i changed, if he changed, we feel different, and i will not stop until i figure out why its outta sync.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

There are so many to answer this question.

It works because we both want it to work. 
We both understand the difference between wanting it to work and actually working on it.

We both have other options,she is pretty , sexy and works out. Men still hit on her. Same here with me ,but yet we only see each other. 
There are no children, so its easy to walk away,but we choose to stay together.
I guess it works because after 17 years,
We are still in love with each other.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

Myself, the answer is a variety of things.

Around the seventh year, we hit a rough patch in our relationship. We had a new baby, and our daughter changed our lives. Looking back now, we were both incredibly selfish. Our sex life dwindled to once every two weeks.

Instead of talking it out and facing the problems that had suddenly cropped up, we decided to confide in other people. We've became strangers.

Six months later, I woke without him in bed. During our estrangement, he had moved out onto the couch. When I went to him, I told him how I felt, how I viewed the marriage. Imagine, to my surprise, he felt the same way. He moved back in our bedroom that night.

Now, we have a transparent marriage. I know all his passwords. I play some games on facebook, and I need friends to send me items to advance in them. I get on his account to give me those items. He does the same.

We cook together. I know that may sound silly, but he calls me his Sous-Chef. It seems sappy to explain it. The last time I baked, flour coated the entire kitchen.

Also, we play games together. We love monopoly and the competition that it breeds. We, also, play Age of Empires Online.

He is very supportive of me. Four months after our daughter was born, I was diagnosis with dyspepsia. I had to have surgery, and he went to all my gyno appointments with me. On the day of the surgery, he was at the hospital. When I was resting at home, he took care of my daughter.

Then, I was diagnosis with PCOS and the doctors told me that I will not be able to have another child without the aid of medicine. We were lucky to have my daughter. He stood beside me.

I, too, am supportive. He was diagnosis with clinical depression. It's harder for me to show support because of the way that my mother was growing up. I am going to be 32 next month, and she never said I love you to my sister or myself. I am there when he needs to talk, leave him alone when he doesn't.

He works and allows me to stay at home with our daughter and work on the trilogy that I'm writing. I am extremely thankful for this. I can write between 40-50 hours a week, play with our daughter, make sure the house is clean, dishes are done, and laundry. Because he works, he shouldn't have to worry about those things.

My condition makes my hormonal balances off. I can snap sometimes. I'm learning correct ways to deal with my anger and frustration. He doesn't stand there and let me go on my tirade. I respect this about him. It makes me want him more.

Finally, emotional, sex, physical contact. Both of our love languages are physical touch. We make love regularly. He will run his hand across my shoulder, massage me. I will give him a full body massage, stroke his thigh. Innocent things with non-sexual intents. 

He will never leave without saying he loves me and kisses me goodbye. In a morbid way of thinking, he doesn't want my last memory of him be anger. There is a reason for this, though.

If you made it through this, congratulations. It's longer than I expected.


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## Hogfan (Jun 14, 2012)

Marriage is all about communication. We can discuss anything without the fear of being judged. That isn't to say we don't have problems but we have learned to communicate with each other instead of argue.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

jaquen said:


> I was inspired to do this thread during a discussion we're having over on the Sex side.
> 
> I think a lot of people could stand to hear stories from people who's marriages are working, are strong, and who adore being married.
> 
> ...


First, we're both very attracted to each other so that helps a lot. 

The level of investment and willingness to work on the marriage has to be equal, or nearly equal, for both people. I think both partners seeing the same value in the relationship is what helps couples get through. If it's one person caring and doing all the compromising, then the relationship is doomed to fail, or at the very least remain unhappy and unhealthy. So in our case both of us were mutually invested in our marriage even during some rough patches. 

We've been able to talk about anything. We talk about everything under the sun - current events, finances, to love, sex, who does the dishes, our retirement plans and what we want to do then...

For a marriage to be successful you have to have two emotionally healthy individuals who are willing to share their lives realizing they're both imperfect individuals, and neither one is looking for a soulmate or someone to complete them. This is us in a nutshell. We don't have huge childhood issues. Having similar values, some similar interests and similar temperaments are key for us.

I would say that humor and friendship are the real glue for us though... We've gone through some HUGE health and family issues. We didn't sink into a depression and we supported each other through those times. There's something about my Hubby which keeps me interested in him and vice versa. I am not sure precisely what it is. Maybe it is just an ongoing, deep attraction that I mentioned in my first sentence. Also, we are part of each other now. This helps when disagreements arise, which neither of us are overly invested in 'winning', though we may wind each other up. It is more about our own way of understanding each other more than anything else. We have this shared history, in jokes, and a bond from overcoming so many things over the years together. True story..at one point in university we were so broke, he had to sell his plasma and blood to make money. He has a very "desirable" blood type so he was much in demand by companies that paid for those things. We laugh over anecdotes like that now. 

When we had issues we read marriage books. Ok, it was mostly me but he would listen to a synopsis from me about the book, and more importantly, he was willing to apply the principles. 

It hasn't always been idyllic and unicorns didn't dance in a rainbow covered meadow. We've had our issues over the years but even during those moments, I didn't think divorce. I thought of murder a few times, but not divorce.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Ours works because we have fun together, respect each other, and treasure each other.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Jaquen said*: Why do you believe your marriage is working, and working well?


My initial response to a question like this would be something like >>> Because of my wonderful husband.  I think I married one of the most patient Loving men that exist.  My girlfriends seem to agree ....my best friend jokes she wants to clone him, another says they just don't make men like that anymore. 

Me, on the other hand, I couldn't say this about myself ! I am accually pretty demanding & not so easy to please...admittably. 

The fact I found a man that NEVER gets on my nerves & I genuinely ENJOY being by his side near 24/7...is kinda amazing... (we laugh, we banter, we cry together).... And even more amazing...he feels the same about me -even though he used to consider himself a LONER. I joke I have him wrapped around my little finger & he says its true with a grin !

We've been "*Best Friends*" before we even kissed in our teens....when you fall in love with your "best friend" in this world..... it is damn extra special.










We had a # of things going for us early on.... 

*#1*... We are both the "Hopeless Romantic"  type.










*#2*... We've always had amazing "*Compatibility*"....from sharing similar beliefs, values when we met...the same hopes & dreams for the future we wanted to build hand in hand.... the kids, the traditional lifestyle, the country home -me barefoot & pregnant....we are both Homebodies, both "Savers" & so willing to push ourselves working hard to accomplish every goal, down to digging ditches together... And we genuinely just enjoyed the same "simple" pleasures this world has to offer, from picking berries in our back yard to curled up together watching a sappy Romance . 

We've always had open comminication, a  "willing Transparency"  is very important to both of us, sharing ALL with each other, honesty even if it may sting.....our  Love Languages  R in the exact same order (we hit the jackpot there!)...

Our Temperments make us fit like a glove even... where he is strong.... I am weak, where I am strong....he is weak...so when we come together (with understanding of each other)... we make a glorious whole...we find we "complete each other" - and can go conquer the world hand in hand. It seems many feel making such a comment - somehow speaks ill of who we are independently.... as if we are needy somehow, but we've never seen it this way.... 

We both feel we would be "lost" without the other......but yet, we LOVE the fact the other feels THIS way... of course we wouldn't die if something happened, but we don't feel we'd ever find such a love as this again...in our lifetimes. 

*#3.*... We have great APPRECIATION & RESPECT for what each brings to the marriage..(His providing for our large family... me running the household, organizing, scheduling, handling kids, appointments, living within our means, etc)... There is a thankfulness and Gratitude there & expressed .... even though it is our "jobs".... we still so appreciate what the other brings to our lives. 

*#4*.... There is such a willingness to Understand & Forgive when we miss it - as we are not flawless people. We still love amidst our imperfections. We jump quick to mend any small thing that may come beween us or threaten our peace & joy with the other, not allowing our heads to sleep until we have made up. Make up Sex is HOT. (It is a running joke he accuses me of fighting for the make up Sex) 

*#5*..... The physical attraction is still going strong, even after 22 yrs after the vows (30 together over all).....this surely does wonders for the sex life....which can't be under-estimated in any marraige! 

Overall.... I would say...one of the greatest things I have ever done....is marrying my husband...as every dream I have ever entertained in my youth & beyond...has come forth from "our" union together.

Songs like this speak my heart ...







Because You Loved Me - Celine Dion 







... I am ever Thankful for my husband & our marriage !


*************************************************************************
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I too am tempted to say "because my wife is the best person in the world". And I truly would not be exaggerating. Her kindness, capacity for understanding, and truly unconditional love is rare, and uncanny. I am an extraordinarily blessed man, not because of who I am, but because of who my wife is. I really think that 90% of the reason I adore being married is because of who I am specifically married to.

I can only speak on what works for us, with the caveat that TAM, and our own real life experiences, have taught us that the way we approach marriage is very different than most of the couples we have encountered.

Spirituality is a strong bond for us. This marriage, and the relationship before it, was covered in prayer to the Lord from top to bottom. That works for us, He works for us, and we've seen incredible results from it. In our minds it's a marriage of three.

Most of the issues I see on this board that people consider problem areas in their marriage just don't even come up (so far) in ours. We don't argue about finances. I left my day job a few years ago to pursue a career in the arts (for which I went to university and trained). I did this at her insistence, and with her unwavering support. So my employment is contract to contract, leaving sometimes considerable stretches of time in pay. 

This is no problem for my wife, even when I sometimes get down on myself and think about giving up the pursuit and going back to a regular 9 to 5. She isn't having any of it, and presses me toward my dreams. Money never serves as a source of contention for us at all, and it doesn't affect our love life.

We do not argue. That is not by my design, trust me. I came from a family where you got a good argument on, and then just moved on. But my wife abhors arguing. It's not a part of her at all, she doesn't even raise her voice. So we discuss. We were the very best of friends for six six years before we ever even got together, so we have a strong foundation when it comes to communication. She's more of a talker than I am, but I know that when I need to talk, air a fire, a concern, or a problem, I can always do so with her.

We have separate lives. We don't have many mutual friends, and we don't ever police each other in regards to our whereabouts. We have a lot of freedom in our lives to come, and go, as we please. This is extraordinarily imperative to me especially, as I can not stand feeling suffocated, obligated, or smothered. And over time she's grown to truly appreciate having that independence and freedom as well.

I would say perhaps the biggest component for us is the desire to stay actively, presently, and endlessly in love. In a LTR it can be very easy to slip into routine and norms, and before you know it your lover is more friend and companion than passionate soulmate. I know that we have found ourselves falling into routine, and perhaps taking each other for granted. What helps is that it's just very, very, very important to us that we keep the spark of love, and romance, alive. We need, and crave, that "in love" feeling. Neither one of us desire to be glorified roommates, or friends again. That's imperative for us.

I think we make each other better. We're very different people, with different, often opposing, strengths and weaknesses. In this case opposites attracting has worked, because it's helped us each get stronger in our weak places.

There is still a push and a pull. In all the ways I know her, she is evolving every day, so there will always be places to explore, and things to discover, about my lover. I think an element of mystery can be very healthy, and exciting, for any LTR!

Sex. It's frequent, connected, and satisfying. Neither one of us believe in "working" for sex. It is expected, and it's expected to be good. That's not to say that we're always in the mood, or don't say no, but the yeses far outweigh the noes. So sex doesn't ever turn into a weapon, or a bartering chip. If I used sex as a weapon against my wife, it would hurt me as much as her, and vice versa. So regardless of the state of our relationship at any given time, whether coasting on a high, or tempting lows, sex is always on the menu. We _need_ that connection, both of us.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

We are well-matched as a team, we meet each other's emotional needs, and we make our marriage a priority in our lives. 

We do not allow resentments to grow and fester. Good communication is key. We know how to disagree without insulting each other.

We keep our sex life playful and exciting.

Neither one wants to break in a new person--too much work!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> Neither one wants to break in a new person--too much work!


This is very very true. We both decided a long time ago that we'd rather work on THIS marriage than start over. Hasn't always been smooth sailing but we never gave up.


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## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

Attraction, Attraction, Attraction.

There are 2 types of couples - those who are attracted to one another and those who settled for one another. I think those who are attracted to one another stay together, b/c they keep it interesting and are compatible. Those who settle, may end up divorcing if one of them loses weight, or gets a high paying job, etc. 

I like to think on the ranking scale, you start becoming attractive around a 6. If you are under a 6, plan on settling... jmo


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Nod said:


> Attraction, Attraction, Attraction.
> 
> There are 2 types of couples - those who are attracted to one another and those who settled for one another. I think those who are attracted to one another stay together, b/c they keep it interesting and are compatible. Those who settle, may end up divorcing if one of them loses weight, or gets a high paying job, etc.


This part I agree with. There is a lot to be said about have sexual chemistry. I can honestly say had it not been for that I probably would have left 10 years ago. LOL


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Best friends with no tempers


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## ElsalGaston (Aug 17, 2012)

There are so many to answer this question


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

For me it's simple...
We are aware that we are two people with different taste and interest and yet, similar qualities... Thus, we don't judge each other, what we don't understand we choose to accept... By, discussing our differences and similarities, rather on the battlefield or common ground...
When one is passionate about something, instead of pointing out if it's ludicrous or ridiculous, we stand behind each other 300% and take time to see their vision...

Also we do everything together...
Eat
Sleep
Play
Fight
Love
Talk
Dream
Live... Plus many more...


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

For me, the most important thing is to spend time with the other person. Just being in the same room with some minor communication is good enough. That feeling of being emotionally disconnected sets in really fast when I don't spend enough time with someone. Having weird work hours or working too many hours would probably ruin my relationship.

Everybody is a little different. For some people, spending time together isn't enough. They need to be doing something with their partner. Some people are fine even if they don't spend time with their partner.


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