# Trapped in a long term relationship



## mykee (Oct 4, 2016)

I feel so trapped in my long term relationship and I’ve no idea what to do. Apologies in advance for the long post. I’ll give you a brief background… been with my partner now for 2 years, we live together and she’s 4 months pregnant, things moved pretty fast. Prior to this, I was married for 5 years (in that relationship for 7 years) and have a little boy from that, who’s just turned 6. After my ex wife and I split up, we were apart for 4 months before I met my current girlfriend.

My gf is a very insecure and needy person. I made a mistake quite early on in our relationship. We’d been together about 4 months, when my ex wife told me she needed to see me urgently about something and couldn’t discuss it on the phone. My gf was away so I said she could come over. At this point, I didn’t see an issue (stupidly). Anyway, my ex told me she had feelings for me still and wanted to try again… I didn’t feel the same. Though she then saw all my new gf’s things and I told her we were living together. A week or so later, when I was dropping my boy off to her (I have him alternate weekends), my ex saw my current gf, told her all about the fact she came to our house, then had the audacity to say it was all preplanned and that we’d slept together! She knew exactly what she was doing, she wanted to split us up as she didn’t want me to be happy. Do you have any idea how hard it is to prove you haven’t done something like that?!

Unfortunately, my gf believed everything my ex said, not knowing the kind of evil, twisted person my ex is unfortunately. I knew I’d done nothing wrong, other than asking her to the house without telling my gf, which I apologised for, as it was wrong, but that’s the only thing I did. But as far as my gf is concerned, I was guilty as charged and I’d cheated on her. What followed, was months and months of wooing her back. I met up with my gf’s parents, sister, friends, all to tell them my side of the story and to win her back (my gf said I needed to mend all these broken bridges). It was so hard to do, but I did it as I love this woman and want to be with her.

We eventually got back on track, moved out of that house and moved into a whole new area for a fresh start. I’ve been completely transparent with her, she has access to my social media, emails, my phone, I have nothing to hide. Even to the point now where I’ve had no contact with my ex for a year, and any communication goes via my parents. When I collect and drop my son off, it’s always via my parents, so I don’t speak to or see my ex at all.

So as you can see, it’s not been easy so far. We still argue a lot, and she brings up the past at every single opportunity, because in her eyes, I “cheated” on her, albeit emotionally. We even attended relationship counselling, as she couldn’t get over what happened. She notices tiny things… I bought some mints from the petrol station one time, she saw them in the car and asked who I’m trying to impress. Another time I moved my sons booster seat into the boot, she asked who I’ve had in the backseat. She has me on the “Find My Friends” app so she can see where I am at all times… I feel suffocated. Kinda feel like the punishment doesn’t fit the crime, as all of these was May 2015. Since that time, we’ve been on holiday twice, moved into a new house, and we’ve fallen pregnant, yet she still thinks I’m secretly meeting up and talking to my ex at every single opportunity I get, whenever I leave the house!

My girlfriend is also extremely controlling and I genuinely believe I’m suffering emotional abuse. For example… it’s always her way, if she doesn’t get what she wants, there’s hell to pay. I always feel like her expectations are so high, no matter what I do, it’s never enough. Because I work shifts, I get up early and finish work early. So everyday I make her lunch before work, and make her dinner every night for when she gets in from work. I never get a thanks for the lunch, and when she walks in from work, she doesn’t say hello or give me a kiss, but she’ll go straight to the kitchen, walk past me and criticise what I’ve cooked. Every single day without fail. She’s recently been saying things, and forgetting, then having a go at me. Two days ago, I asked what we should have for dinner the following day. She said to me “Don’t worry about it, I don’t like your cooking anyway”. The next day, I got home before her, saw some meat left out. So I called and asked what was for dinner, she told me to sort it out as I’m cooking. I reminded her what she said the night before, she started screaming and shouting, saying that she never once said any of those things, and that I have a memory problem and/or don’t listen! But it’s not the first time this has happened.

We have no real relationship during the week, it’s like Jekyll & Hyde. Once she gets in from work, after the criticism of dinner, I can’t get 1 word out of her. I’ll ask her a question and I’ll get a snappy response, or no response at all. So I’ve pretty much given up trying and we sit in silence. Then she’ll have a go at me for not making conversation. We will then sit in front of the tv, and by 8.30pm, she will say shes off to bed. No goodnight kiss, not even a “goodnight”, she’ll just go upstairs. This is every single night. Last week, she went up to bed, and I needed something from the bedroom, so I grabbed it and walked out. She started raging screaming at me telling me how rude it was that I didn’t even say goodnight to her! This is what it’s like constantly. I can put a lot down to hormones, but I’m struggling.

I can’t remember the last time she asked me how my day was. She openly admits she’s not interested in my work, I’m not interested in hers, but I ask out of politeness. She knows I’m not happy, we regularly have big arguments have split up twice for just a day or 2, but thinks that will just change if she doesn’t bring up the past. As for her relationship with my son? It’s not great. To him, she’s like the typical Disney evil stepmother. Her attitude is that, he’ll do as she says, under her roof. The only time she has any communication with him is to tell him off if he’s done something wrong. No wonder he doesn’t like her. To be fair, prior to this nonsense last May, they got on so well and used to be so close. She admits she hasn’t been making as much effort as she could have been, but says each time we have him, he reminds her of his mum!

She’s stressing about money, but puts all the pressure in the world on me to fix it. We are both in manageable debt, but its apparently only my debt that’s the issue, not hers. She wants me to take on another part time job, start up a new business, and work 30 hours overtime on top of my already very demanding, but well paid job. Her contribution? Nothing. Other than telling me to sell pretty much everything I own (ipad, xbox) and telling me I can’t spend any money on my son (as I pay a fortune in child maintenance) and can’t go out with any of my mates, because if I have money to spend for that, then that’s money I can either put into savings, or money I can use to take her out somewhere nice.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be “that guy” who has 2 kids by 2 different women and isn’t with either of them. She’s made it clear that if I leave her, she’ll make sure I have nothing to do with the baby whatsoever. She’s already stated that the baby will have her surname rather than mine, as she doesn’t want the baby sharing the same surname as my ex…. I was so involved prior to my son being born, researching everything to do with pregnancy. This time round? I kinda don't feel as excited as I should be as I feel shes ruining the whole experience.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You can end this relationship if it isn't healthy. You can still be a responsible father. You made and maintained bad choices - now it's time to fix yourself and your choices going forward.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Well, sounds like the problem is that she probably still thinks that you did sleep with your ex.

If it was me, I would attempt to get the ex to fess up what she did and hope to rebuild from there and talk to her about it first that way she does not think you are going behind her back again.




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## mykee (Oct 4, 2016)

xMadame said:


> Well, sounds like the problem is that she probably still thinks that you did sleep with your ex.
> 
> If it was me, I would attempt to get the ex to fess up what she did and hope to rebuild from there and talk to her about it first that way she does not think you are going behind her back again.
> 
> ...


She knows I didn't sleep with her, and has accepted that, but is still paranoid. For that reason, she has no intention of forming any communication with my ex. Mainly as well due to the fact that she thinks if we start talking again, that i'll end up wanting her back! My ex has made it clear she wants nothing to do with my gf. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place... trying to please everyone, but clearly it's not working, and everyone is miserable.... I need to have a form of platonic relationship with my ex, purely for my son, but my gf tells me that its not an option for as long as we are together. She thinks that if we do split up, i'll get back with my ex straight away (who incidentally, i'm now divorced from).


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## mykee (Oct 4, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> You can end this relationship if it isn't healthy. You can still be a responsible father. You made and maintained bad choices - now it's time to fix yourself and your choices going forward.


How, if shes preventing me/threatening me from having any contact with the baby if we do split?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

mykee said:


> How, if shes preventing me/threatening me from having any contact with the baby if we do split?


That's what courts are for. She can't do that unless you've acted abusively or are an addict or something that would give the court reason to consider you a risk. If you decide to leave, get a lawyer and ensure that your custody and visitation rights are preserved.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

You need to seek legal advice, ASAP. And, maybe even a DNA test for your baby. It's very strange that she's giving the baby her surname, and that she doesn't really want you to have anything to do with it. I know some women "revenge cheat" to make themselves feel better over what's happened in the past. Do you loosely follow where she is throughout the week? I don't want to blame her for anything, but you should still rule out the possibility. 

Both parents have to sign the birth certificate (where I'm from anyway), so see what the requirements are in your area. If you can't agree, maybe it might need to be a hyphenated name? My partners ex cheated him out of his surname for his daughter. Put it as a middle name instead. He really regrets not reading the forms twice before signing them. You have rights, and she can't withhold your child from you. If you do separate, get into mediation and get a parenting plan done through the courts. You need to protect yourself.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Neither of you are happy...this is a very toxic relationship.. She sounds angry 24 hrs a day... sounds the intimacy is non-existent.. Her conflict style is hostile, with constant put downs.. a marriage can not survive this.. you & she need counseling.. or to end this..


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## mykee (Oct 4, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Neither of you are happy...this is a very toxic relationship.. She sounds angry 24 hrs a day... sounds the intimacy is non-existent.. Her conflict style is hostile, with constant put downs.. a marriage can not survive this.. you & she need counseling.. or to end this..


Yep, yet it's weird, when we have the blazing rows which have led to us temporarily splitting up... she says she's never been unhappy, and loves me so much and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. Yet she doesn't know how to show it! She is very touchy feely (mainly on weekends when shes back to the girl I fell for), but during the week shes a different person, who can't seem to cope with "life"... i.e. going to work and coming home :|


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

I think she knows you never cheated, but uses as an excuse for control. 
Your son says that she is like a wicked stepmother from a Disney film, there may be some truth to that. 
Why is she so hostile towards your son? 
He's innocent & she should be nice to him, instead he's a constant reminder of your ex to her. 
You've have given in to all of her demands, do you think that they will stop someday? 
I don't think so. She seems likely controlling. 
You may not want to be "that guy" with 2 kids with two women but it's better than being an unhappy guy with your current relationship. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mykee said:


> How, if shes preventing me/threatening me from having any contact with the baby if we do split?


You need to see a lawyer to find out how you go about making sure that she cannot do this. You have rights as the father of the child. See if you can get 50% custody.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

You are not trapped. Leave. Go see an attorney to help you get shared custody of the baby. 

And going forward, learn how to use contraception.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I have always wondered if someone in this situation doubles down on what their spouse/gf/bf is doing to them. Meaning, become even more unhinged than they are. Start monitoring everywhere she goes. Be even snappier at her. Tell her you are going to buy a gun and blow your brains out! Ok, none of this is real advice, and probably not good advice, but I'd really like to see this in action and how it would work.


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## mykee (Oct 4, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> I think she knows you never cheated, but uses as an excuse for control.



I agree with this 100%... the second she says shes over the past, is when she loses control...

I know i'm not "trapped" per se... I just feel like i'm in such a difficult situation, when I should be over the moon with happiness at our imminent arrival. She is, she's constantly telling the world how excited she is and how happy she is... but its what people don't see behind closed doors, what she's really like as a person. It doesn't sound like I have nothing nice to say about you, and that isn't the case... but people don't generally comine on forums to talk about how happy they are :grin2:


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Here is your real problem. You're calling a 2 year relationship a "long term" relationship. You don't know what "long term" means. You don't know what you want in a relationship and you don't have the tenacity to make the relationship work.

In your previous relationship you got a girl pregnant within a few months of knowing her, got married and then walked out of the marriage for whatever reason. Maybe it was her fault, maybe it was yours. Either way, it was terrible judgement on your part for having unprotected sex with a girl you barely knew. Fast forward, you got another girl pregnant within a few months of knowing her. Now you're calling the mother of your child "evil" and portraying your current partner as a crazy person.

Read my lips, this is all you! You did this, not them!

If you get into an accident every time you drive, then for God sake do us all a favor and stop driving.


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## mykee (Oct 4, 2016)

KillerClown said:


> Here is your real problem. You're calling a 2 year relationship a "long term" relationship. You don't know what "long term" means. You don't know what you want in a relationship and you don't have the tenacity to make the relationship work.
> 
> In your previous relationship you got a girl pregnant within a few months of knowing her, got married and then walked out of the marriage for whatever reason. Maybe it was her fault, maybe it was yours. Either way, it was terrible judgement on your part for having unprotected sex with a girl you barely knew. Fast forward, you got another girl pregnant within a few months of knowing her. Now you're calling the mother of your child "evil" and portraying your current partner as a crazy person.
> 
> ...


Quite a few sweeping statements here.

1) My previous relationship, I was with her for 3 years and engaged before we discussed starting a family. The relationship ended because she was having an affair for nearly a year behind my back
2) 2 years isn't a "long term relationship", I agree. But when its been 2 years already, what do you call it? Just a relationship? I'm not too hung up on the words used.

So as for everything being all my fault, you're wrong. I had every intention of spending my life with my wife, I did absolutely nothing wrong. With my current gf, the only thing I did wrong was not tell her that I met up with my ex wife, which I've put my hands up to. I'm in love with my gf and do want to spend the rest of my life with her... just don't know how to handle how she is, hence on here for advice.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

mykee said:


> I agree with this 100%... the second she says shes over the past, is when she loses control...
> 
> I know i'm not "trapped" per se... *I just feel like i'm in such a difficult situation*, when I should be over the moon with happiness at our imminent arrival. She is, she's constantly telling the world how excited she is and how happy she is... but its what people don't see behind closed doors, what she's really like as a person. It doesn't sound like I have nothing nice to say about you, and that isn't the case... but people don't generally comine on forums to talk about how happy they are :grin2:


it is a difficult situation, especially if you still have feelings for her.

i've been in your situation with an ex. who was abusive just like yours. i bring the wrong can of peas home and it starts into WWIII.

you know what to do. your'e just asking for validation. well friend, you have it.

and like KillerClown says, once you leave her, don't rush into another relationship. you aren't ready.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your gf does sound abusive. I know that's very hard to deal with having been in a similar situation with the genders reversed.

Since she is having you child, it might be worth a try to fix things. Maybe a few months of a try, no more. 

There is a book that a lot of guys say has helped them. "No Move Mr. Nice Guy"

If that does not turn it around, about the only other thing that might work is an ultimatum that unless you two go to counseling and she changes her attitude permanently, you are leaving. And then you would have to hold to the 'promise' to leave if she did not stop her nonsense.

Do you now anyone who knew her before you met her? Is this how she has always been in relationships?


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Dude, which is it? You feel trapped or you want to spend your life with her? Do you want to be a father to this child or don't you?


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

mykee said:


> Quite a few sweeping statements here.
> 
> 1) My previous relationship, I was with her for 3 years and engaged before we discussed starting a family. The relationship ended because she was having an affair for nearly a year behind my back Well, I apologize for that. I didn't do the math right. I am however correct in my assumption that you are a very bad judge of people and you shouldn't be in a relationship until you develop some maturity.
> 2) 2 years isn't a "long term relationship", I agree. But when its been 2 years already, what do you call it? Just a relationship? I'm not too hung up on the words used. I'm talking about your perception. 10 year could be a long term relationship. Marriage is forever.
> ...


 No, the only thing you did wrong was having unprotected sex with a girl you barely knew. As for how she is, that's who she is. She will not change and there is no HANDLING it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are most definitely NOT trapped, you aren't even married to this woman. This is a toxic relationship, she is insecure and manipulative. You can still be a good father to your child without being with her. I am advising the same as another poster that you get the child DNA tested, just to be sure.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

mykee said:


> *She knows I didn't sleep with her, and has accepted that, but is still paranoid. For that reason, she has no intention of forming any communication with my ex.* Mainly as well due to the fact that she thinks if we start talking again, that i'll end up wanting her back! My ex has made it clear she wants nothing to do with my gf. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place... trying to please everyone, but clearly it's not working, and everyone is miserable.... I need to have a form of platonic relationship with my ex, purely for my son, but my gf tells me that its not an option for as long as we are together. She thinks that if we do split up, i'll get back with my ex straight away (who incidentally, i'm now divorced from).


What? Your current partner does't want to have anything to do with a conniving, duplicitous creature who lied to her and tried to break you and her up? 

You sound shocked and appalled that she would think negative thoughts about your ex. 










Your woman is not paranoid.

And you do not need a platonic relationship with your ex. Especially when you know what she did to try to split you up from your woman.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

mykee said:


> My girlfriend is also extremely controlling and I genuinely believe I’m suffering emotional abuse.


Unfortunately, you've made some bad relationship mistakes that are making your life difficult. End the poor decisions. Save yourself from a lot of life-long grief and get away from your girlfriend. Also, watch your back after she knows that you are leaving.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP your gf has a screw loose. I realise that what your ex did was deplorable, but surely your gf is aware that there are plenty of women out there who do just that. It's not your fault that your ex told your gf you slept with her. Your gf should trust you.

It's not realistic of her to expect you to never have any communication with your sons mother - that's insane!

It's also very cruel of her to be nasty to your little boy. He's only 6 years old! So what if he reminds her of your ex, too bad - she needs to grow up! 

This whole thing is just a mess. Secure your rights as the baby's father and get away from this nutjob.


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