# Lost and dont know what to do anymore



## LostOne954 (Nov 3, 2008)

Hi everyone, I'm new to these kinds of thing ans froom looking around I see the great advice that you guys are giving others. So I thought I would give it a try.

Here's my situation.. about 3 months ago I started talking to a co-worker and it lead to constant ltext messaging to eachother. The texting got to the point of more than friends, if you get my drift. But nothing went past the text messages, no psysical contact with each other. She has moved out of state and I have not spoken to her since. My wife of 7 years saw a couple of the bad text messages and we got into a large argument about the whole situation. I admitted that I was at fault and would to do whatever I needed to do so that we can get through this. She agreed amd we started on our way to rebuilding our trust between eachother.

The other day, I decided to redo my wife's lapptop and founf some pictures of a guy that she was talkig to, an ex boyfirend from 9th grade. I knew she was talking to him so it didn't really bother me that much. But looking at those pictures made me wonder.. who sends pictures of themself sleeping to a friend. I started to snoop, and found emails back and forth between them, some explicit. I confronted her with this and she said that talking to him makes her feel like a woman again. not a mother...

After the long and poundstaking argument we both decided to wipe the slate clean and start fresh from this point on. everything was slowly making its way toward getting through this until she noticed that I deleted the pictures of him off her phone and laptop. She said that she wanted them not because if what has happened.. but because he was her friend from tjhe past.. We had another argument tonight about this and right now I feel like this marrage is going nowhere if she cant let go of him. We have 3 children together and I want this marraige to work out, but dont want to be the only one fighting for it.

Can anyone please give me some advice?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You are right, and I suggest you look up emotional Affairs. That is what both of you had. But for the marriage to continue you much cut all contact with the person(s) you had the EA with. You already did that, she hasn't.

draconis


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

There is in fact no problem at all.
You both have something to talk about between each others and who has nothing to do with the things you mentioned.
You both need to spend more time together and to recreate some romantic atmophere between the 2 of you and to flirt again.
You can send text messagges to her form work and she can do the same with you.

The guy she received pictures from is a school friend.
She dont have meet him nor send sexy messages to him, nor has he done so with her.
She dont have had any emotional affair with anybody, you are jsut trying to excuse yourself on your wife, by actign like if she had done the same as you did, which isnt true..
It could have been a girl form 6th grade sending pictures of her sleeping. So what?
People do that all the time on the internet and even to people they dont even know.
Its an old buddy, not a love affair.
You, you entered a flirty chat with a work collegue, which wasnt very clever both for your marriage but also professionaly.
You hasd sex talk with someone you saw regulary. You said it didnt went to anything but.. you did met and talk to that person face to face everyday, and there has been eyes slash and probably touchings, handsholding, and that kind.
She is away and nothing bad happened and it was short.
You had a mental adventure and not an emotional affair.
An emotional affair is when you are in love with the person, emotionaly attached. Here it was more of intellectual and sexual nature.
A sexual attraction who happened mentaly as there was no physical contact of that nature.
So what i want to say is that there was nothing from your side and nothing from your wifes side either..
and still you make a plum cake out of it.
You didnt just stop textmessaging the girl she happened to go to another state.. so in fact it was imposed to you.
and she isnt your childhood friend
she was just someone at the office
For your wife, she didnt had an intellectual affair with a male office mate, no. She came in contact again with a school friend form when she was little.
Some couples are in contact with their respective ex bf and gf.. it can cause problems and can be understood, but here, its not even her ex bf at all and its from school time and she dont even meet him nor phone him.
Why are you so jealous? cause you had done wrong, so you fear she did the same?
What you both need is to have a different way to relate to weach others. What you have today is totaly childish.
You even imagine that you lose your family cause your wife talk to an old school friend. Come on! wake up! Such ideas are totaly silly!
Dont you have any old buddies from school or from when you were little?
Its so seldom and happy to can found back people from back then. And even more seldom to can talk together, as most people change so much, that they have nothing in common at all anymore, and cant even be friends as adults.
Let her have her friends, dont be so controlling, and learn to speak more openly and more often with your wife so that you will know this kind of things instead of discovering it.
It was nasty of you to deleete all her friends photographies. You dont do that kind of things. Its her private life. Even married she got the right to have a life and to have friends and to keep in touch with old friends. You dont have the right to mix in it and even less to forbid her to have friends just because you are jealous (meaning its you who got a problem and not her). What will be next? Are you going to forbid her to go to a fitness club or other hobby, cause she can meet men there and become friends with them?
I ask myself why she didnt told you about it in advance. And you also talk about her cell phone. Why did she have pictures of him on her cell phone? it means he send her files on it, meaning text messaging or more.
Make that clear about this and also make sure as for when and for how long that has been happening, before or after your intellectual affair? and make sure that there is nothing more. 
If its only a friend then let it be.
Concentrate more on having deep and meaningfull conversations with your wife, everyday, when you come back from work.
Try to be more together and ask more about her.
Try to make something new where you can be more honnest with one another.
Oh and also one hting.. it could also be that your wife put those pictures as retaliation for what you did to her, and that she planed it with her friend from school, just to annoy you. 
That wont surprise me..


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

I do not agree with what you replied Ashley..sorry, just being honest here. The man she has been communicating with IS an exboyfriend from school, not just a bud as you seem to think. In my opinion...if she claims talking to this man that is not her husband has been making her feel "like a woman and not a Mom" shows me there is more going on than a friendship type relationship. 
LostOne, you have to understand that form a womans point of view..being Mom changes things in a relationship. This doesn't mean its bad or good, but just different. As a Mom, i know, you put all your energy into being Mom and forget what it is like to be a woman. You have a different sense of responsibility and gradually the relationship you 2 had together before kids spirals in a different direction. 
Sounds to me like you both seem to be stuck in a rut which is not uncommon when you have children.
My question to you is this...If that woman you were texting had not moved, how far would you have taken that relationship? Being able to get your marriage back on track depends a lot on how you answer that question. Think about it and answer honestly to yourself!
If getting your relationship back on track with your wife is what you truely want..then you need to find a way to make her feel like a woman again, and not just a wife and mother.
You need to create a "date night" where you can get a babysitter for the kids, and spend some time together with your wife. You should find a way to flirt with her..let her know that you still love her(assuming you do because you were both willing to give it another shot)for who she is..not just because she is your wife and the mother of your children. Flirt with her!! Remind her of some of the things that made you fall in love with her in the first place..those things are still there, but seem to disappear after having children.
When you do take her out on a date...try not to have any expectations of what may be the out come other than you having a good time together. Friendship is a very important part of a relationship and if you can get some of that back..you are on the right track. It wont be easy and it wont happen over night.
If she DID scheme to put those pictures on her devices as Ashley suggests, then that is a whole seperate problem. I dont know the personality of your wife so I can not begin to speculate why she would purposley do that. 
Good luck!!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Sprite said:


> I do not agree with what you replied Ashley..sorry, just being honest here. The man she has been communicating with IS an exboyfriend from school, not just a bud as you seem to think. In my opinion...if she claims talking to this man that is not her husband has been making her feel "like a woman and not a Mom" shows me there is more going on than a friendship type relationship.


:iagree:

This is most definitely an emotional affair on both ends. He has ended his she must end hers and concentrate on the marriage.

LostOne954

Your wife is communicating something very important to you here. She wants to be viewed as a woman, not just a mom and partner. She is stating pretty clearly what she desires. Communicate with her to better understand what she is missing in her life and improve in giving that to her. Since you also engaged in an EA there must be something you are missing also and she needs to see and understand that. Your marriage is not at a standstill. It is at a point where it can be improved for both of you with some communication, love and empathy. It might take time but work at this and it can bet better.


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## LostOne954 (Nov 3, 2008)

Thank you to everyone who posted.. First in response to Ashley, it's not just getting in contact with a old friend, it's gone further than that. They were sending pictures back and forth of themselves that go more than friendship. There were daily phone calls from her to him and vise versa everyday when she was going into work and on her way to pick up the kids, as well as at work. I have the call logs to prove it. So I disagree with you saying that it's the same thing that I did. I have not spoken, texted, or communicated with my previous coworker since I admitted that I messed up.

My wife and I came to the conclusion that we would start fresh and put all of this situation in the past and move on. We also just found a marriage counselor to discuss the whole situation with.

With all that said and done, she told me yesterday that she called him for advice. I then confronted her and said I thought that we would cease all communications with him and I did with the person that I was talking to. She told me tht she can't promise that she will stop communications, but she will tell me when she calls or he calls her. This makes me wonder if she really wants to let go.. What do you guys think, should I put my foot down again, or wait for the Marriage Counselor?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

She obviously doesn't want to let go...and it may be the friendship part of the relationship she wants to hang onto because she feels she needs that support right now. However, she crossed the line of friendship with the explicit emails as did you with your co-worker. If she's serious about wanting to work on the marriage, no contact with him will be a big part of that or you will just be going in circles & she will be up and down with her feelings towards you.

Not sure about the timing of talking to her about it...It might be better coming from a counselor as she may be more apt to listen.


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## LostOne954 (Nov 3, 2008)

swedish said:


> She obviously doesn't want to let go...and it may be the friendship part of the relationship she wants to hang onto because she feels she needs that support right now. However, she crossed the line of friendship with the explicit emails as did you with your co-worker. If she's serious about wanting to work on the marriage, no contact with him will be a big part of that or you will just be going in circles & she will be up and down with her feelings towards you.
> 
> Not sure about the timing of talking to her about it...It might be better coming from a counselor as she may be more apt to listen.


Thanks Swedish.. I'll let you guys know what the counselor tell us.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

LostOne954 said:


> This makes me wonder if she really wants to let go.. What do you guys think, should I put my foot down again, or wait for the Marriage Counselor?


She is not ready to let go but will need to in order for your marriage to improve to the level it should. Let her know you are firm in this but don’t go over the top. Show her it concerns you but that you are willing to go to counseling to work on a number of issues. Let the counselor draw their own conclusions about TOM and what that relationship is. I expect he/she will give the same advice as to communications with him. Let your wife hear it from an outside source and it will help her better understand the damage she is doing. Don’t focus heavily on non communication as part of your sessions or she will see it as leading the counselor. It may take time for the counselor to draw this conclusion or interject it into the process. Give him/her time to fully understand the dynamics. This may take a couple of sessions. Work on the other issues they advise you on. Good luck.


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## LostOne954 (Nov 3, 2008)

Thanks Amp. I'll post an update as soon as possible..


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H saw an email i wrote to an old boyfriend of mine. it was bad, too. I decided i would never contact him again. it was really, really hard for me. my relationship with my H was/is bad and i was very lonely. this guy brought good feelings for me and i wasnt so lonely anymore. i was good friends with this guy long before i met my H. 

I've never talked about how i feel to my H. i did actually cry when i told the guy i wouldnt be talking to him anymore. and even now i get sad thinking about the loss of his friendship. 

i can understand why your wife would have a really hard time cutting ties with him. not saying that she doesnt need to, but she's probably just feeling really lonely and its hard to let go of a good thing for something that doesnt feel very good. i think if i could have talked to my H about it, if i could have felt like i had another good place to go, it would have made the process easier.


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## LostOne954 (Nov 3, 2008)

Hi everyone, it's been a while sice I updated this. Well here's the update..

On Wed, we went to our first session with a marraige counselor and basically haven't really started talking to her about the problem. Spent most of the session filling out a questioneer that the Dr. was asking about us. We are scheduled to see her again on Monday.

But all that aside... my wife agreed to stop all communication with the guy that she was texting and talking to. I believed her and she sent me a picture today of her at a work event and I noticed that she also sent it to him. I confronted her with it and she finally gave in and said that she hasn't severed ties with him, and that it is purely a friendship and nothing bad. I told her in order for us to move on she has to sever ties with him as I did with mine. This makes me think to myself.. will she ever let go of him, and can I belive her in what she says. I have the ability to pull the text message record off her phone and also pull the call records of her work phone, but if I do will that just throw more wood on the fire and cause another flare up? So help me out, what do you think I should do? Turn the other cheek and wait until Monday's session to speak to the counslor about it. Or put my foot down and pull all the info and confront her this weekend. HELP!!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Be consistent in your belief and statements that all contact will have to end. It will take here time to see the damage the EA is doing. Let the counselor do her job in analyzing the situation and making suggestions. She is the professional here. Be firm but don’t put total focus on it either. You will likely both learn a lot as you move through this. Keep your cool for now and give things some time. Good luck.


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