# Grab a coffee this is a long story! Infidelity and other Issues...



## Bluebird106 (Oct 6, 2013)

Probably best to make a cup of coffee before reading this one! 

My husband and I married nearly 2 years ago. During the early days, he went on a trip with his best mate overseas (male) and amongst the pictures my husband to be posted on FB, were a handful of very 'close' looking photos with another woman. I thought it was odd and when he returned home his phone was going off with messages all through the night and after the constant tap tap tap of him replying to them and disturbing sleep every half an hour for two weeks, I confronted him about them and he said it was just a friend overseas. I felt awful, but I checked his phone, and found they had sent pictures of each other along with some disclosures of what they had been up to on the trip. When I confronted him over them, he told me they were just friends and that's how they talked. Call me naive, and thinking I was onto a good thing with him, I let it go. 
Then we became engaged to be married. I had suspicions prior to the marriage that he had was having an affair with a colleague. He started staying back after work, having drinks with just her, and started making more and more excuses to see her. As much as he denied it, I knew something was amiss. He withdrew emotionally and sexually from me, and started to become angry towards me and I couldn't understand why? He wanted her to come to the wedding (she did) because she was his 'best friend'. Even on the week leading up to our wedding he would tell me he was tired and have headaches and wanted to sleep on so I would go about doing my own thing only to find him each time visiting his 'friend'. Even at our reception, he spent and hour talking only to her away from the crowd. When we returned from the wedding, that's when things really went full steam with her. His behaviour towards me was almost one of resentment, his phone never left his side, he smiled funny when reading and sending messages. I saw them together numerous times having lunches together and driving in my car. I confronted him several times, and several times he told me I was crazy and being paranoid and if my behaviour (?) didn't stop our marriage was over. When I became pregnant (lost the baby) he said I did it deliberately and was angry and refused to talk to me about it. Anyway fast forward,he was in love with her but didn't want to leave our marriage because of the image our marriage and lifestyle projected to others. I nearly left, and he convinced me he still loved me but didn't know what he wanted (her or me). I stated because I thought I was overreacting and maybe things were not too bad. After this, he then started sending, let's say, 'censored' pictures of a certain part of his anatomy to another woman, as well as making inquiries about a sex line. Again he said it was nothing and he was just joking and didn't know why he didn't.
I am starting to believe he likes the thrill of the chase, but then when that is gone he needs to find it again. I am of the belief that he does have a narcissistic personality and is constantly seeking validation and attention from women. 
I have suggested counselling many times but he refuses. He is also controlling that if he doesn't get something his way he will make me feel so bad about it that I feel guilty enough to let him have his way. I don't trust him anymore and I really wanted to give our marriage my all and keep it together and make it strong. We have never really communicated or talked about anything as much as what he did with his colleague. He seemed to bond well with her and talked and behaved a way with her he never has with me. I have wanted to preserve my fertility and he refused to go to the appointment with me or have any tests. I feel like I have someone who is standing next to me but won't hold my hand and walk with me through life 
Now, I am feeling that I can't be in this marriage anymore. I feel awful about feeling like that, but in our few years together I can't see a future together. I feel like we are both unhappy and want different things, but we are both reluctant to take the first step. I honestly think that we really aren't as compatible as we thought, and over the years we have started to change and grow as individuals and I feel we are walking on different paths. We don't even do much together, not very affectionate towards each other, and he is very concerned about keeping up appearances. I do love him, and I know he loves me, but we seem to butt heads continually and we really are chalk and cheese. We can't agree on having children, but now I have changed my mind and though I've not told him, I don't want to now,as I can't see our marriage as being healthy enough to raise a child. I really do feel like I am not what he thought I would be. Where else do you go when counselling is not an option? I don't want us to stay in the marriage because leaving looks complicated, with the whole logistics of emotions, moving etc. I'm stuck, I feel stuck. And I feel that because of what I have tolerated in the past, and the behaviours that I accept in the present, that we are going to stay on this merry go round :scratchhead:


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

You say you know he loves you? How? He doesn't show it by your own admission.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

RUN.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Stick with one thread, please delete this one.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

No counseling, he has given you his answer: he does not value the marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Run away quick!


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

> He is also controlling that if he doesn't get something his way he will make me feel so bad about it that I feel guilty enough to let him have his way


To preserve your sanity you must go.
Do not be afraid of taking the first step.
Just do it, it will painful, it will suck, you will feel as if your entire world is caving in but go.

If you would like another chance, ask him to go to counseling with you. Make him chose, counseling or divorce.

I hated giving ultimatums in my marriage, I was too permissive, I loved him too much, I never believed the red flags or my gut instinct. Even now, I believe he is a good man and trying to help me. 
But after 14 years together, he said he doesn't like and probably never has like the way I am. 
Please do either counseling or leave


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