# The pain of porn



## Lost Wife (Nov 3, 2018)

Hi there, I haven’t posted here in a long time. It’s been a horrible few years since, but I’m not having a really hard time dealing with the pain of my husband’s porn use. There are so many other problems, but this one cuts in a way the others don’t. I have no family or friends. I am alone in this horrible marriage and I desperately want out of it but am finding it incredibly hard to find the strength. I just need someone to listen and validate these feelings becuase dammit it hurts so much. STILL after 15 years. I apologize for the very long post, it’s just raw emotion I need to get out.

Awhile ago when our relationship started getting serious, I told him I could not be in a relationship where porn was involved, for a variety of reasons. Severe body image issues through childhood into adulthood, some sex related attacks/attempts in my early adulthood. And just my own belief of what marriage I could thrive and feel loved in, it just didn’t include porn. If a person likes porn and their partner is okay with it, all the best, it just 100% doesn’t fit into my romantic life.

He completely understood, swore he’d never use it. We were 23 and young. How silly I was to believe him.

After we married, then began the occasional finding of his porn use, the lies and stories he made up to cover it, and the erosion of trust, and trauma dealt to me and our marriage was severe. And yet I believed him and his sincere confirmation of his promise after each incident. We had kids, he was my husband and I wanted to trust in him. After awhile it became him saying he didn’t realize in his 20’s about how he actually liked porn, but he would now stop because he was older and wiser. The porn use only increased.

Around three years ago things between us got very bad, and the truth of his porn use was much easier to see. He never stopped. Ever. Even when I was pregnant with any of our three children. Not when I was in the hospital near death a couple times. Not when I was busting my ass to take care of the kids and house so he could work (we work at home, and he spent so much time jerking, amongst other issues, he stopped making any money and we almost became homeless. Now I work AND take care of kids AND house. He helps...if he feels like it). It got so bad he couldnt stay erect with me (blamed his medication), and he admitted he watched it before WHILE DRIVING and while out in parking lots. That seems INSANE to me, but he seems to think that those times were limited because “he was just going through something”. While early on he at least expressed an understanding and verbal respect for my feelings, now he started calling me a prude for my WRONG viewpoint, and that i needed to “evolve” and accept it. He wants me and only me, he says, and imagines me in the place of the women and I should be happy about that. ********, I know.

So anyway, last year was our 10 year anniversary. I was on the verge of leaving (at least I thought i was ready., but now I’m seeing I still had to suffer more to get to that point). He knew porn was a major major issue when I stopped having sex with him (which he attacked me for horribly for months for doing that to HIM). He came to me again, on his own this time, to apologize and re-swear his dedication to abandoning porn. THIS TIME was to be different. THIS TIME he meant it. THIS TIME he had tears in his eyes and could barely speak because of the emotion. He apologized for all the attacks and swore he respected and understood what I needed to remain in the marriage. He volunteered many changes. I made sure he was sincere, and wouldn’t change the rules later on in his head (something done before). I reminded him that I accepted he just wanted porn in his life, and that was okay, but I did not, and so should go our separate ways. He insisted he did not want it, and would give it up for good.

I went with it, one last time. I knew in my heart, he wouldn’t give it up. I decided one more time to give him a shot. I felt like I was taking the blue pill in the Matrix, knowingly. Maybe I just wanted to feel some relief from the pain of my marriage even for a little while.

Well, here I am again. The other severe issues he was to work on, he didn’t, so our relationship still struggled badly. Because of that, he says, he started using again because he said “it didn’t matter what he did anyway”. I reminded him of his promise on our 10th anniversary, something precious to me, and he told me “well, a few days before our anniversary you didnt want to celebrate unless I had a sincere show of change, and so I just went with it”. Basically blaming me for him making a promise he didn’t keep? I didn’t pressure him to promise me anything, btw. I gave up on that long ago. I know damn well change doesn’t come when forced. I reminded him he volunteered to not look at it ever again. He then said “well, I can’t 100% stop” and started in again on me having too high of expectations and thats why we were having issues. I reminded him he told me to expect a 100% complete halt to porn. Of which he then just says “so leave me then, if I’m so horrible”. 

By the way, I couldn’t leave for years because our finances had been AWFUL (for reasons listed). I have since started fixing everything, and focused on taking care of our kids and surviving his many temper tantrums and cruelty in other areas. Yes, I’m a doormat in a lot of ways. My mom was a doormat (she killed herself after leaving my narcissistic dad). I realize it and have been working on myself. But I also just had NO OPTION but to stay for a long time.

Now, I am beginning to see I might have that option to leave in a few months, and I am scared. SO SCARED. And surprisingly, this new revelation of his porn use cuts deeper than all the other times. Even after all the hurt he’s caused, I still just want him to want only me, and for me to be enough, and for him to decide I’m so much more important than porn, and realize he’s tearing apart a wonderful family, his children’s parents, and to stop. 

But he won’t let it go. Even for me, the woman who has given him three children, and stayed loyal by his side through everything he’s done. The pain of knowing that the one person in my life who was supposed to cherish me, never did love me like I thought, is so painful I can barely stand it. Maybe its so bad now because I’m being forced to accept it as truth. I can barely function. I’m a lesser mother than I should be because of it. I need to find a way to survive this pain so I can continue on towards hopefully leaving soon. So any words of wisdom, or care, would be so appreciated. Desperately need support.

if anyone made it this far, thank you so much for your time


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Yes the only word you need to believe that it is all worth it.




You!!

In the months you wait is nothing to the remainder of your life. This is your deal breaker. And that's good enough. When I got to your part of his tears, I thought oh no! (He must have seen online acting on "How to cry" good for you. 

You are stronger for taking a stand. And just like you prepared, for this storm you know this storm will also pass when you leave. And you'll be healthier for it as well. I would wish you luck, but you really don't need it. You made a decision and are mature enough to handle it. Good for you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Lost Wife,*

What you are going through is becoming more and more common due to the availability of internet porn. A lot of guys these days start out with online porn at a very young age and by the time they start dating, they already have a porn addiction issue. 

Here's something that might help ... 
*Your Brain on Porn*

There are ways for a guy to stop this sort of addiction. Basically they have to go cold turkey and stop all porn and all sex for a number of months. There are marriage counselors/sex-therapists who know how to help a person through this.

I get that you are probably beyond the point of being able to work with your husband on this. You are rightly burned out. He has had years to seek out the help he needs and has done nothing. Not only has he not taken care of his porn addiction, he also not been earning an income, doing his fair share in the home, parenting, etc. 

Know that it's ok for you to have reached the point at which you cannot deal with his issues any longer. You need to now take care of yourself and your children.

You say that you do not have any family or friends. Does he have any extended family that he could move in with? He should be the one to move out. Not you and the children.

You need to build a support system for yourself. Is there any way you can get into some counseling as the start of building a support system.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

I feel like we have lived very similar lives. I've been the breadwinner for most our lives, we have three children, together 13 years and he has done the exact same to me involving porn as you. As I despise it just as much as you.

I'm currently enduring my very last try after finding it again a short while ago. I even handed mine divorce papers last time and he quit for 2 years then randomly started again after years without it. 

I know the pain of desperately wanting your partner to choose you over it.

I know the pull of holding on for that imaginary "one day" where this horrible excuse for a partner wakes up suddenly and realizes how amazing you are and are worth the changing for.

I know the crushing sorrow of "we could be so happy, why won't he stop hurting me over this. Why is he ruining this".

He won't change. But I know how hard it is to let go. Even for me, here now, going through the motions of a trustless marriage again, I know it's only a matter of time until the other shoe drops but I'm stupid enough to want to see this to the end.

If you need to never have porn again n your life, then hunny you are going to have to leave him. Be better than me, don't wake up 20 years from now struggling to breath through the daily agony of a trustless marriage. It will hurt like ****ing hell, but you can be happy again, you don't have to live like this, in this pain anymore. 

Leave him and find the blissful peace you so rightly deserve.

I wish I was strong enough too.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

It won't make you feel better, but the truth is that the porn is not about you, but about him.

He is addicted, and like most addicts, he cant stop. His addiction is of his own making, and unlikely to have anything to do with you.

Like an alcoholic, they may struggle for years and years. Until they see the truth of their own degradation, they will not really reckon with it. Addiction cannot be overcome from the outside.
The addict has to finally decide for themselves that they really want to stop.

He has tried to stop for you. That didnt work. He has to get to the point where he wants to stop for his own sake.


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## Lost Wife (Nov 3, 2018)

jorgegene said:


> It won't make you feel better, but the truth is that the porn is not about you, but about him.
> 
> He is addicted, and like most addicts, he cant stop. His addiction is of his own making, and unlikely to have anything to do with you.
> 
> ...


Hello, thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

I do think he is addicted, and that he hasn’t decided for himself to quit. The biggest issue I’m having is dealing with the pain from accepting the reality he really, truly, will never give up porn for me. That some gyrating naked teen on the computer is more precious to him than the woman who gave him three children and who he SAYS is the love of his life and his entire world. 

The hardest part of it all, is that he has abandoned me with the emotional toll of it all, refusing to even hear my feelings on it, while dumping all responsibility for all these problems in my lap. He now sits back and waits for ME to fix it. He says HE is dedicated to the marriage and I am not, because he’s staying in the marriage while I want out. He told me he will not change, and will not divorce me either. So now I have to voluntarily tear apart my family, which I desperately do not want to do, all the while with him blaming me for it all. 

The fact that he is the only other voice in my life is taking it’s toll, given that he is very manipulative and dishonest (something I discovered only recently because he’s just that good at it). I am having such a hard time validating my own feelings and reality on this, something crucial to having strength to leave someone I love. So I very much appreciate your comment and all the rest, because it does help give me that. Thanks again


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Stay strong. Your feelings are valid. Your concern is appropriate and you do not have to accept him and his porn use in your life. 

At this point the lying, blaming you and just being mean would be even more concerning than the porn which in itself is enough to be done. You deserve better. Just stop talking to him. 
Start the 180 and preparing for you next move. If it takes you 3 months to be prepared for the divorce that gives you 3 months to detach. If he asks say yes I intend to divorce you as you intend to continue porn use. Tell him you want a relationship where you are the only woman. Or don't tell him anything. Just keep doing what you do until you are ready. File for divorce and when he is then shocked, that's his problem it isn't like you haven't told him your non negotiable issue which he has said he will not stop.


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## Lost Wife (Nov 3, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> *Lost Wife,*
> 
> What you are going through is becoming more and more common due to the availability of internet porn. A lot of guys these days start out with online porn at a very young age and by the time they start dating, they already have a porn addiction issue.
> 
> ...


Hi, EleGirl, nice to see you again, thank you for commenting.

I talked to him about addiction and ways to “Cure” it with him before. He sees how porn can be a problem, but he denies its a problem with him. He “just likes to see sex” and sees nothing wrong with that. My pain is apparently secondary (or lower) to that desire. He just says “Sorry you see it that way”’ and “Sorry it hurts you”. I have completely, finally, given up on him decided to stop. It just took a long time to get here.

Now I have to find a way to summon the strength to leave, despite still loving him, despite the scary unknown, despite how it will affect my children. Despite having not one soul to talk to. It feels impossible. But mostly I’m afraid because I feel deep down that strength is lacking, and I know that means I won’t actually leave, like so many others in this situation. That terrifies me. 

He has friends and family in Kansas (we’re in Maine), so too far away from the kids for that. I had a hard time for a long time finding time (given I work 60-80 hours a week, homeschool, and take care of everything else) to go to counseling or therapy. I was finally going to make that first appointment when all this coronavirus stuff happened. So I have to wait a couple months before I can leave or get help now. And I desperately need help when it comes to clearing away his gaslighting and dealing with the pain so I can make the move when the world returns to normal. Just listing his behaviors here and having people bounce back the reality is insanely helpful, so thank you very much again for your comment.


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## Lost Wife (Nov 3, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Stay strong. Your feelings are valid. Your concern is appropriate and you do not have to accept him and his porn use in your life.
> 
> At this point the lying, blaming you and just being mean would be even more concerning than the porn which in itself is enough to be done. You deserve better. Just stop talking to him.
> Start the 180 and preparing for you next move. If it takes you 3 months to be prepared for the divorce that gives you 3 months to detach. If he asks say yes I intend to divorce you as you intend to continue porn use. Tell him you want a relationship where you are the only woman. Or don't tell him anything. Just keep doing what you do until you are ready. File for divorce and when he is then shocked, that's his problem it isn't like you haven't told him your non negotiable issue which he has said he will not stop.


Thank you so much, Anastasia. Your words are so helpful.

The problem is, when I am firm on my convictions with him, his abusive side comes out, mostly in the form of just leaving. This would NOT be a problem, if he wasn’t the person who keeps an eye on the kids so I can get work done. He does very little housework, earns no money, and barely helps with things requiring any ounce of responsibility, but he DOES play well with the kids for hours so I can work and the kids love it. I cannot afford other childcare, so it is crucial he sticks around so I can work.

If I say I’m divorcing you, or try to talk to him about a future plan, or about how we will need to coparent peacefully for the kids, he will verbally attack and then just leave (and if I’m not a willing recipient of his wrath, he’ll go after the kids angrily and yell at them over nothing, knowing I will then intervene and he’ll have me then) because he knows I NEED him in order to the support the family right now. I hope to god I’m in a better situation later so I can just hire someone instead of relying on him, but for now, I have to sit there, not cry, be friendly to him, shut up and work, or else I risk him taking off, and I’d lose an entire days pay. So every day I have to pretend all is well, and every night when I go to bed and he stays at his computer, I die all over again on the inside, without any ounce of relief. It’s torture like I’ve never felt before, and I’ve been through quite a bit in my life.

Thank you for the space to vent a little, and thank you so much for your words of support


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## Lost Wife (Nov 3, 2018)

Saibasu said:


> I feel like we have lived very similar lives. I've been the breadwinner for most our lives, we have three children, together 13 years and he has done the exact same to me involving porn as you. As I despise it just as much as you.
> 
> I'm currently enduring my very last try after finding it again a short while ago. I even handed mine divorce papers last time and he quit for 2 years then randomly started again after years without it.
> 
> ...


Your story so resonates with mine, and I can’t thank you enough for telling me about it. I’m so sorry to hear you’ve dealt with pain such as this. It feels unbearable and impossible to survive, and yet I keep on living only to feel it all over again the next day.

I want so badly to be happy. I worry I will never find anyone else. If I did, I’m scared of opening myself up to someone else lonly to be hurt again in the same way, because almost all men keep porn in their lives no matter what. I’m scared of seeing him with someone new eventually, because I still love him, and if porn hurts me this badly, him with someone else will be a million times worse.

I am also worried because when my mom left my dad around this age, she seemed strong and ready to live a better life. Only to date two horrible men who treated her worse, watch my dad (the only man she had been with before) immediately get engaged to someone, and then finally kill herself  I’m not suicidal in that I would never do that to my children (knowing the damage it does) but I do fear finding myself in that same situation. Just horribly unhappy, worse than if I had stayed.

But I’m sure you’re familiar with the array of fears that keep us trapped. I hope very much you break free (or that your husband wakes up for real), and that you find the happiness you deserve as well. Thank you again for your comment


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Hopefully the stimulus check can help you save money for moving on.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Sounds like hubby needs help getting “clean”. Sounds like you’d put up with his other flaws. Would he agree to putting filtering software on his computer that you could own the password for? Would he willingly give up his computer and smartphone if it meant he could save the marriage?

Men can overcome and live without porn but it requires a real commitment. It’s not so easy as just saying your gonna do it... you have to start by making it very difficult or impossible to access.

An alcoholic can’t keep booze around and porn addicts can’t have private, unfiltered, internet access.

Just moving the home computer to the kitchen could help... just knowing that kids or wife could walk in would be reason enough to keep off the porn sites.

Its never good for men or boys to have private internet access... just leads to trouble. A reasonable, married man should be happy to avoid the temptation by complying with this simple rule.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Lost Wife said:


> Hi there, I haven’t posted here in a long time. It’s been a horrible few years since, but I’m not having a really hard time dealing with the pain of my husband’s porn use. There are so many other problems, but this one cuts in a way the others don’t. I have no family or friends. I am alone in this horrible marriage and I desperately want out of it but am finding it incredibly hard to find the strength. I just need someone to listen and validate these feelings becuase dammit it hurts so much. STILL after 15 years. I apologize for the very long post, it’s just raw emotion I need to get out.


I stopped about halfway through. For the record, I clipped the quote just for space sake.

I stopped half way through, because everything you wrote points to porn addiction. Especially since it got so bad that he stopped making money. He needs help. Had this been about occasional porn use, I'd be going a whole different way with the response. Whether or not you can stay with him is a separate issue. A lot will depend on whether he is even willing to get help. If he is not, then take the kids and leave! Their well being is more important and this will affect that. This isn't about being prude, or a wrong view of porn. The fact that he does it with the frequency you described and stopped working is what it is about.

And a warning. Porn addiction is not about the porn. While you have things like drugs that can addict anyone, there are people who can get addicted to anything. It can be porn, video games, the internet, sex, rock climbing, running, whatever. As best I understand it, they are actually addicted to the pleasure chemical that floods the brain when they do these activities. So, he may have to be watched to make sure he doesn't replace one addiction with another.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Lost Wife said:


> Hello, thank you so much for taking the time to reply.
> 
> I do think he is addicted, and that he hasn’t decided for himself to quit. The biggest issue I’m having is dealing with the pain from accepting the reality he really, truly, will never give up porn for me. That some gyrating naked teen on the computer is more precious to him than the woman who gave him three children and who he SAYS is the love of his life and his entire world.
> 
> ...


I don't know if this means that he will not initiate, or that he will not sign. If the later, you need to start documenting. Print out the browser history. Be able to show the judge that the sheer amount of time he is putting into this is the reason for the divorce. You may get lucky and he'll admit it to the judge. But be prepared to show how you have done your part in trying to get him to change and how much time he dedicates to it.

Also he has already torn your family apart. You are not doing so. You are now dealing with the consequences of his actions and lack thereof. Please in the future, make friends, have contacts and maintain them outside of the marriage. If ANYONE tells you that you need to sacrifice your friends for your spouse, get rid of them. I am in a poly marriage, with 3 other spouses. We all have other friends and family that we could turn should we need to leave the others. Never give up your friends as a whole. Obviously get rid of any who are toxic, but always have some.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

> *He completely understood, swore he’d never use it. We were 23 and young. How silly I was to believe him. *


How silly of ANY woman at ANY age to believe this. 🤪

*



Now I work AND take care of kids AND house.

Click to expand...

*So why do you need this loser in your life at ALL? He's utterly worthless and completely useless.

*



Now, I am beginning to see I might have that option to leave in a few months, and I am scared. SO SCARED.

Click to expand...

*Scared of WHAT????? Not having to deal with an abusive ass-hole who contributes NOTHING to the household - unless you count how he's elevated jerking off while scrolling and clicking at porn sites to an art form as a contribution? What could you *possibly* be afraid of by not having this POS parasite around? 

Jesus, I'd be drinking champagne every single freakin' night pre-celebrating my upcoming freedom and the anticipated *loss* of 180 pounds of the most worthless flesh known to man.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

OP is probably long gone. I think it’s very fair to expect a marriage and hubby to be porn-free however unfair these days to think it isn’t going to be a real battle for men. I mean, even with legit browsing men are bombarded with provocative images- everywhere. Even YouTube gives a bunch of female track/volleyball stars in short shorts (and I’m pretty sure I’ve never searched out volleyball, track, or short shorts videos).

I think it’s cool that young hubby made a commitment to be porn free but- it’s a real war... men are going to lose some battles... but with consistent action such as making porn difficult to access- men can eventually overcome it. It’s a process and lifestyle choice that takes repeated commitment... making a declaration 
to be porn free is only the first step towards recovery. I say recovery because I don’t know a single man who isn’t tainted and damaged by porn. The good news is- men can recover- if they really want to.

I’m not necessarily trying to talk OP out of what seems to be gathering ammunition to end her marriage. However she originally came here saying porn is more or less the final straw. The only sad part about it, is the sort of unrealistic idea that hubby can just declare it, become porn free and live happily ever after. It just ain’t that easy.

I should add though there are huge benefits to becoming porn free- most significant is the improvement in intimacy and marital sex. Similar to a blind man’s enhanced hearing a porn free man becomes much more attuned to his wife's taste, touch, and scent. Sex becomes less about visual “presentation” and more emotional and involves all of a man’s senses (truly).

Plus, there’s nothing like some sexual frustration to get a man fit, active, and “hungry”. Men were not meant for complete sexual gratification.. only spoiled, wimpy, immature ones.


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