# feeling worthless



## nouse (Sep 17, 2014)

First of all I would like to say hi to everyone here.

I have been married for more than 6 years now and I am wondering now if my husband ever really loved me. We've been having problems in our marriage for a while now. I have always thought that we could work things out no matter what. But now I am feeling that maybe it's all hopeless. 

The problem is that we do not ever spend quality time as husband and wife. He feels that because he is the provider that when he gets home from work that he should not be expected to do anything. As far as weekend goes he feels that he should be left alone the entire weekend and just do whatever he wants, since he is the one who makes the money. I'm not the kind of wife that expects her husband to do household chores when he gets off of work. I am a good wife I always do things to make things easier for him since he goes out and works, that is my way of showing him that I love him and appreciate what he is doing for us as a family. 

His routine when he gets off work is walk in and have a seat for awhile, asks if I'm ok, I say yes, he says that's good. Watches t.v for an hour, get undressed and flops on the couch and slaps out his cellphone and says nothing more to me. I try and talk to him he will not give his undivided attention, but says to go ahead and say what I want to say because he's listening while he looks at whatever he is doing on cellphone. I ask what is he doing on cellphone that he can't put it down to have a conversation with me, he says just reading news and sports. But this goes on until it's time to go to bed. Next day comes same thing again, this has been going on for at least 5 years. Once I have found that he was texting another woman and that he takes photos of himself naked. He had a photo of a naked woman in his phone I asked him what why did he have that he said that his friend sent him that and that he forgot to get rid of it. I have always helped him in every way that I can and have always been loyal and faithful, but it hurts me that he feels that it is BS to have conversations everyday with each other. He says that married people do not do that every day, they each do what ever they want by themselves.

He never makes me feel special, forgets anniversary, thinks of others on their birthdays, but forgets mine. We argue a lot and I feel so angry that now I am just yelling at him, I don't know what else to do about this. I always feel very lost, lonely and alone. When I cry he just ignores me and says why the hell I am crying and that I need to get over myself. He says we'll go to marriage counseling but we never do.

He makes me feel unwanted, unloved, worthless disrespected, unimportant sometimes feel like I am a less than a human being.

I feel like maybe it's me, he says that his biggest problem is me. That really hurts to hear that. I have no friends and the reason is that I did have a friend, but he always wanted us to be around her and he would make fun of me in front of her so that she could laugh at the jokes he makes of me. He has even told me that she is someone that he can see himself drinking beers with and having a good time talking with her. I have always wanted to spend quality time with him and that hurt me when he told me he'd like to shoot the breeze with her. He even has told me that I should know that just because I am his wife it doesn't mean that he doesn't like and admire other women, because he does.

Sorry my post is so long... just needed to talk about it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

nouse said:


> He makes me feel unwanted, unloved, worthless disrespected, unimportant sometimes feel like I am a less than a human being.


Print this statement out (your words) and hang it on your mirror. Read it over and over and realize that NO ONE deserves to feel this way. This is not living, this is existing. And it's a pretty sad existence.

Your husband is an a$$ who needs to get his a$$ into marriage counseling with you. He is clueless as to what marriage is all about. If he can't become a partner in this relationship you need to ask yourself if you really want to be married to him.

Sorry you're here.


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## nouse (Sep 17, 2014)

Thank you Happy. I have always thought that I was just existing and did bring it up with him, but he says that I just need to shut the f**k up because I do not know what the hell I am talking about. 

I told him that if he did not want to be married to please let me know so that I can go and make a life for myself. He says no he does not want a divorce, and that he will find a MC for us to go to. But I have not heard anything more on it.

I've been feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted, I can't sleep well anymore.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

If he is sending and receiving naked pictures to a woman and they are texting, he is having at least an emotional affaire (EA). I found it strange that you casually mentioned that. That is most likely what he is sitting with his phone all night doing. There is not that much news to fill that amount of time each night. 

Does he have his phone pass coded? Does he keep a tight hold of his phone? Does he give you access to it? You need to check his phone and see what really is going on.


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## nouse (Sep 17, 2014)

Hi Abc123Wife,

This was about 2 years ago that I found out about him texting another woman and a picture of a naked woman. I did talk to the woman when I noticed in my billing that there was a specific number that was always texting to the phone he uses. 

But he still does stay on the cellphone for long periods of time. Or he will take me somewhere for and hour or 2 I feels that is spending time together and that it should be enough but even when he does take me out it really does not feel like we spent quality time, then when we get home he is on the cellphone until it's time for bed. He claims that he doesn't go on his phone that much, but he does.

He does have a passcode on the phone that he uses which I provide for him to use. He keeps it lock at all times so there is no way that I can get into even if he wasn't around. One time I decided that I was going to see what he was doing on his phone and so I was taking it and he shoved me so hard that I fell down and hurt myself. I just could not believe that he did that to me.


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## nouse (Sep 17, 2014)

Also does anyone think that it is fair for me to tell him that as long as there is internet on the cellphone that it would always cause problems and that it would be best to turn that feature off permanently? Or would I be asking to much?

I ask because I know that if I tell him that is what I want to do, he'll say that he is a grown man and that if he wants internet on the cell that he has a right to have it.

I just feel that if I had to choose between my marriage and a cellphone that I would give up the cellphone to save my marriage.

I just feel totally sick over all this.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

nouse said:


> One time I decided that I was going to see what he was doing on his phone and so I was taking it and he shoved me so hard that I fell down and hurt myself. I just could not believe that he did that to me.



Why the hell would you stay married to a man like that?


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

nouse said:


> he says that I just need to shut the f**k up because I do not know what the hell I am talking about.



You teach people how to treat you. If a bf were to tell me to shut up or shut the f up, I would seriously considerer breaking up with him. Since you are married, you should either go to MC or separate. 

You shouldn't let him to talk to you like that. It is disrespectful. 

What did you answer him?


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Nouse,

The more I read your posts, the sadder I feel for you. In all reality, I would have left your husband a long time ago. The pushing you over to get his phone, yeah, he's up to no good. That within itself would make me leave.

I would recommend you contact a divorce lawyer. Most will do a free initial consultation. Learn what your rights are, because you do have rights as a wife. Even if you don't leave him now, it's always good to be informed just in case. 

Seriously, though, that is no way to live. I am so sorry you are going through this. You have a very abusive husband both emotionally & verbally (maybe even physically). :-(


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## nouse (Sep 17, 2014)

spinsterdurga said:


> You teach people how to treat you. If a bf were to tell me to shut up or shut the f up, I would seriously considerer breaking up with him. Since you are married, you should either go to MC or separate.
> 
> You shouldn't let him to talk to you like that. It is disrespectful.
> 
> What did you answer him?


He has told me this so many times, every time I try to talk about the problems we have. 

I would tell him to please not tell me to shut the f up and to stop disrespecting me like that. I am his wife and I deserve respect from him. But the last week he told me to shut the f up again and I just lost it and just went all out on cussing him out to no end. I know it is not the mature thing to do, but I just could not take that anymore.

I have become a different person already, I don't even recognize myself when I look in the mirror.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evenign nouse
I don't think that is the right approach. I think the problem is that for some reason he doesn't want to spend time with you. That is not how things should be. I *WANT* to spend time with my wife (even after 30 years). 

Do you still do fun things together? If not, why not? 

Is your sex life good (I'm guessing not - but do you know why).


It sounds like he is being completely unreasonable, but I'm trying to understand if there is some underlying cause of his behavior. Can you think of any reason he is no longer interested in you? (I'm not blaming you at all, just trying to get more background)




nouse said:


> Also does anyone think that it is fair for me to tell him that as long as there is internet on the cellphone that it would always cause problems and that it would be best to turn that feature off permanently? Or would I be asking to much?
> 
> I ask because I know that if I tell him that is what I want to do, he'll say that he is a grown man and that if he wants internet on the cell that he has a right to have it.
> 
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Nouse.....you sound like a loving devoted woman.... and I hate to say it. but HE has been taking advantage of you for YEARS.....after reading how he SHOVED YOU DOWN when you wanted to look at his phone.. Let me just say.. *there is NO REASONING WITH THIS MAN... *

It's time for YOU to make your own decisions to refuse to be treated like this anymore.. 

I am sorry you have so much respect for him...* he doesn't deserve ANY OF IT .. *

He IS having an emotional affair.. with how many women -you wouldn't know.. he is NOT THERE for you in any of the ways a husband is supposed to be.. he is COLD, doesn't want to spend *any time *with you, be blame shifts, he is even a pathetic room mate -given how he treats you, less than a friend who cares would.

He is emotionally abusing you even.. neglecting all of your marital/ emotional needs.. You need to seek to leave this man, walk out of his life... as He has already left you..


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## nouse (Sep 17, 2014)

JustTired said:


> Nouse,
> 
> The more I read your posts, the sadder I feel for you. In all reality, I would have left your husband a long time ago. The pushing you over to get his phone, yeah, he's up to no good. That within itself would make me leave.
> 
> ...


Yes I am looking into the divorce laws in the state I'm in. He thinks that because he does not hit me that he is not abusing me, but he is abusing me mentally and emotionally. He doesn't hit me but their 2 other instances where we got into an argument and he kicked me, my 18 year old son heard me yell and got mad at my husband. My husband called him to fight. From his kick I was bruised up but he said that he didn't mean to do that. Then there was another time where we were arguing again and because I wanted to tell him something he kind of hit me in my neck area and for a few seconds I lost my breath. He said that too was an accident.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

nouse said:


> Yes I am looking into the divorce laws in the state I'm in. He thinks that because he does not hit me that he is not abusing me, but he is abusing me mentally and emotionally. He doesn't hit me but their 2 other instances where we got into an argument and he kicked me, my 18 year old son heard me yell and got mad at my husband. My husband called him to fight. From his kick I was bruised up but he said that he didn't mean to do that. Then there was another time where we were arguing again and because I wanted to tell him something he kind of hit me in my neck area and for a few seconds I lost my breath. He said that too was an accident.



You need to get away from him NOW. What kind of example are you showing your son? There're no reason kick someone or hit them in the neck. He is a classic abuser.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Go through this list.. what FITS your husband ?? 3, 4 and 8 sounds about right from your posts...

Abusive Men: Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Man 


> We have broken down the top 10 signs of an abusive man. If your partner exhibits one or more of these signs, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and seek help or get out.
> 
> *1.* *Jealousy & Possessiveness* – Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause. Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner.
> 
> ...


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## nouse (Sep 17, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evenign nouse
> I don't think that is the right approach. I think the problem is that for some reason he doesn't want to spend time with you. That is not how things should be. I *WANT* to spend time with my wife (even after 30 years).
> 
> Do you still do fun things together? If not, why not?
> ...


Hi Richard. Well he would say that we would do things together for the weekend, but when weekend comes he never follows through. He says he's tired or that he really doesn't feel like doing anything and maybe we'll do it another time. I used to save my money and plan for us to have a romantic dinner, but thing is he wants us to hurry up and eat so that we can go home and spend time together, we get home and we do nothing. Or sometimes he would have me sit out on the porch with him so that we can talk, but I just sit there until he feels like saying something to me, then he'll spend more time on his phone and tell me he needs to be given alone time so that he can be in his own little world.

I have even asked him he does not want to be a little romantic with me, his answer was he doesn't have time for that. He says that I am too needy and always want attention.

As far as sex well let's just say I forgot what that feels like already.


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## NewLife2017 (Aug 16, 2014)

Nouse, he is emotionally abusing you and you need help. He has pushed you out of the way and hurt you and you need help. The next time may include a trip to the hospital. Please call the police if it happens again. There needs to be a record. 

You didn't mention if you have kids or employment? 
You said that you supply his phone. Does that mean it's in your name & you are paying for it?

See a lawyer and file. You said you have no friends but what about family or call your local DV shelter? You need to get out now your physical & mental safety are at risk. His abuse has destroyed your self esteem and self worth. You DO NOT deserve this.

So sorry you are here.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

800-779-7233

This is the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Your husband is also physically abusive, he just tells you it was an _accident_. You can get resources in your local area. Call them & don't look back.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

nouse said:


> Hi Richard. Well he would say that we would do things together for the weekend, but when weekend comes he never follows through. He says he's tired or that he really doesn't feel like doing anything and maybe we'll do it another time. I used to save my money and plan for us to have a romantic dinner, but thing is he wants us to hurry up and eat so that we can go home and spend time together, we get home and we do nothing. Or sometimes he would have me sit out on the porch with him so that we can talk, but I just sit there until he feels like saying something to me, then he'll spend more time on his phone and tell me he needs to be given alone time so that he can be in his own little world.
> 
> I have even asked him he does not want to be a little romantic with me, his answer was he doesn't have time for that. He says that I am too needy and always want attention.
> 
> As far as sex well let's just say I forgot what that feels like already.


It sounds more and more that he is involved with other women and needs time on his phone to text them. All the red flags are there.

Can you answer the following to help others provide better suggestions for you?

Is he employed?
Are you employed?
Do you rent or own a house together?
Why are you providing his phone? 
Why not shut the phone off and if he really needs one, he pay for it?
Do you have children?
Are you both in good physical condition?
Any health issues?
How old are you both?
Do you have the financial means to go somewhere else?
Why do you want to remain with someone who has no interest in you at all?


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## nouse (Sep 17, 2014)

Abc123wife said:


> It sounds more and more that he is involved with other women and needs time on his phone to text them. All the red flags are there.
> 
> Can you answer the following to help others provide better suggestions for you?
> 
> ...


Yes he is employed
No I'm not employed
Renting
Phone is in my name. I've had the phones in my name before I met him. I always paid for the phones up until this past year. So now he pays for it.
No young children with me they are grown.
He's in good health I have health issues with blood pressure.
We are in our 50's
No I do not have any financial means at all
I have asked if he does not want to be with me anymore, but he says that he does want to be with me and loves me. So I'm not even sure why he is the way he is.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

the more important question is not if he loves you and wants to stay with you. It is whether YOU love him and want to stay with him? and if yes, why??? Do you want your days look like this for the rest of your life?


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## nouse (Sep 17, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> the more important question is not if he loves you and wants to stay with you. It is whether YOU love him and want to stay with him? and if yes, why??? Do you want your days look like this for the rest of your life?


Hi WandaJ, no I do not want to be like this for the rest of my life. Sometimes I feel so confused on whether I still love him, I always feel unsure about everything. The only thing that I know is that I feel so much hurt and just want it to stop. But don't know how to stop it. I have put so much of myself, time, energy, and love into this marriage.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening nouse
I'm very sorry to hear that. I agree with the others, this is in now way your fault. He doesn't love you (whavever he says).

I don't think the reasons he has fallen out of love matter. You have tried to fix things and it hasn't worked.

I think you need to move on. Find someone who loves you. You will be amazed at how much better life is. 



nouse said:


> Hi Richard. Well he would say that we would do things together for the weekend, but when weekend comes he never follows through. He says he's tired or that he really doesn't feel like doing anything and maybe we'll do it another time. I used to save my money and plan for us to have a romantic dinner, but thing is he wants us to hurry up and eat so that we can go home and spend time together, we get home and we do nothing. Or sometimes he would have me sit out on the porch with him so that we can talk, but I just sit there until he feels like saying something to me, then he'll spend more time on his phone and tell me he needs to be given alone time so that he can be in his own little world.
> 
> I have even asked him he does not want to be a little romantic with me, his answer was he doesn't have time for that. He says that I am too needy and always want attention.
> 
> As far as sex well let's just say I forgot what that feels like already.


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## nouse (Sep 17, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Go through this list.. what FITS your husband ?? 3, 4 and 8 sounds about right from your posts...
> 
> Abusive Men: Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Man


He is definitely 3, 4, and 8. He is a little bit of number one. I always felt that he was jealous of the relationship that I have with my sons. He would tell me not to help them out or he would be mad at me. If I get calls from my boys he always wants to know what we talk about.

He always has to be the one driving my car, if I say I am going to the store, he wants to be the one to drive me, he says he gets worried about me driving, or that he feels that I just don't drive that well. I do have a drivers license.

He always breaks all promises that he made to me. He has told me that if he makes promises to his friends there is no way that he is going to let them down. I asked him well I'm your wife so why would you break the promises you make to me? His answer to my question was: I will never break promises to my friends and not let them down and have nothing more to say on the matter.

I feel that he does punishes me by not showing me any affection at all. 

He does talk badly about his mother and says she was not a very good mother at all.


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## nouse (Sep 17, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening nouse
> I'm very sorry to hear that. I agree with the others, this is in now way your fault. He doesn't love you (whavever he says).
> 
> I don't think the reasons he has fallen out of love matter. You have tried to fix things and it hasn't worked.
> ...


Thank you and yes I have tried so hard to make it all work and sadly still trying, but feeling that maybe it's all for nothing. I guess I am just hoping that he'll see the light.


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## nouse (Sep 17, 2014)

JustTired said:


> 800-779-7233
> 
> This is the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Your husband is also physically abusive, he just tells you it was an _accident_. You can get resources in your local area. Call them & don't look back.



Thank you JustTired, I appreciate your help.


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## nouse (Sep 17, 2014)

NewLife2017 said:


> Nouse, he is emotionally abusing you and you need help. He has pushed you out of the way and hurt you and you need help. The next time may include a trip to the hospital. Please call the police if it happens again. There needs to be a record.
> 
> You didn't mention if you have kids or employment?
> You said that you supply his phone. Does that mean it's in your name & you are paying for it?
> ...


Thank you NewLife2017 I am sorry that I am here too.


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