# Husband doesn't understand the big picture



## Destind4more (Sep 12, 2012)

Hello Everyone,

I'm so happy I found this board. Even though my post is more of a vent than a question I hope to gain as much feedback as possible.

My husband and I are newlyweds in our 30s. We both earn about the same as far as salary but I earn yearly bonuses. I am in a corporate environment and he works in a chemical plant. I only mention this because he doesn't understand that in my industry the ones that give the "face time" and go out to happy hours every so often are the ones that get the promotions.

So now I'm sick of corporate america and I'm starting my own business. I just don't know how to get him to understand the importance of networking and going to events that seem fun on the outside but are actually mixers that will help my business.

How can I get him to understand when he has never been on the "business management" side of a company. He has always been the "worker". Sorry for my lack words. For example, we got into a disagreement because I told him I needed to go to a mixer that was on a Thursday night. He acted as if I was going out to a bar with my girlfriends and leaving him home to deal with our child.

I'm so frustrated! Besides his lack of business skills he is a really hard working and loving man. I think he will come around once my business takes off and he sees the progress but I just don't know what to do until I get to that point?


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I have my own business. That said, this is a tough call. Do you want your wife smiling with other men, laughing at their jokes. 

I'd try to include him if possible, and give him a good idea of where you are, and limit some of these things, even if it does decrease your income.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

You can't get a sitter and take him with you to the social events??


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## Destind4more (Sep 12, 2012)

Thank you Bobby & Dawn for your feedback. I have taken him to work social events before in the past and he is ready to go after 20 minutes. Also in my field, people don't bring their spouces when attending seminars or conferences that are expensive. 

This is only part of the problem. I don't go to many events but the main issue is that he doesn't really understand my career/business at all. Example, when I was an unpaid intern before starting my career he couldn't understand why on earth anyone would want to work for free. He doesn't understand that in some industries this is the norm to get in the door in highly competitive careers. (Anyone see the movie pursuit of happyness with Will Smith, that is similar to my career).

Even at home sometimes I can't watch T.V. with him I need to study something industry related and he thinks my "job" should be over when I get home. Don't get me wrong, I don't put work first before my family I keep an even balance. The weekends are completely family time. But during the week I recieve no support for what I do or what I am trying to accomplish.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I don't think your husband has any flaws, or llacks sufficent brainpower to comprehend something. He just does not want his wife operating in this way. He recognizes that it is not compatible with his concept of a wife and a marriage.

You have a choice, to be a good wife to this man or a good business person. What do you want in life?


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## Destind4more (Sep 12, 2012)

I see your point of view. I guess all I can do is discuss a middle ground where we can both have our needs met.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Hicks said:


> I don't think your husband has any flaws, or llacks sufficent brainpower to comprehend something. He just does not want his wife operating in this way. He recognizes that it is not compatible with his concept of a wife and a marriage.
> 
> You have a choice, to be a good wife to this man or a good business person. What do you want in life?



Don't let this person make you feel bad about you wanting a career.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Hicks said:


> I don't think your husband has any flaws, or lacks sufficent brainpower to comprehend something. He just does not want his wife operating in this way. He recognizes that it is not compatible with his concept of a wife and a marriage.
> 
> You have a choice, to be a good wife to this man or a good business person. What do you want in life?


This is not about making you feel bad about having a career. It really comes down to the balance you have between your home life and your business life.

You sound like a very driven person, I give you kuddos. I suspect that you spend a lot of time thinking and doing work, even when you are home. And these social gatherings do take a lot of time away from the family. To be successful requires a lot of effort on your part and will detract from other things, namely your family.

I get it, you want to get ahead and be successful. Your husband works his daily grind and is content. He does not understand the importance of networking in some businesses, because in his line of work (manufacturing), the need for a lot of networking is limited. He see's your going out and taking time away from him and your family. Perhaps he feels a little threatened by your drive?

As a man, it can be hard to reconcil that my wife may be more successful than I am. Sort of a old school view of things, but that may be one of the reasons your husband has trouble. He does not want to be minimized by you, kind of threatens his manhood if you know what I mean.

I don't have a lot of advice, more of a view from his side. If he is willing, perhaps you all could try some counseling to help you both get your side of the situation out on the table? Counselors are good at bringing the issues out so that both sides can see what is going on. Perhaps even be able to compromise on a workable solution. The key is that your husband is willing and wants this to work as much as you do. You need his support and he needs you. Without either, you are both going to be miserable and eventually something will have to give. As stated above, it might come to a choice between your business or your family.

If you want to be successful, great. Just realize that the relationship dynamic has to change.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

tennisstar said:


> Don't let this person make you feel bad about you wanting a career.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, husbands are pigs. They deserve nothing.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Destind4more said:


> I see your point of view. I guess all I can do is discuss a middle ground where we can both have our needs met.


Desitind... You will have a great marriage if do this.

Both of you have needs, both are important, and a great marriage includes this sort of compromise.

The wrong way to go about things is to diminish, ignore, or talk the other person out of having their needs met. This will cause unhappiness and resentment.

And, if no compromise can be reached, then it's best to know that now, rather than suffer through a bad marriage.

Keep in mind, that most husbands want their wife to meet his needs... So that is what he is looking for. But, you should also be self aware of what your needs are FROM your husband... and looking to your man instead of a career for emotional satisfaction can do nothing but help your marriage.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Bobby5000 said:


> I have my own business. That said, this is a tough call. Do you want your wife smiling with other men, laughing at their jokes.
> 
> I'd try to include him if possible, and give him a good idea of where you are, and limit some of these things, even if it does decrease your income.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Yes, husbands are pigs. They deserve nothing.



I never said that, nor do I think this. I didn't like the way you were making her feel her husband's thoughts were normal and something was wrong with her. Some husbands understand and support their wife's career aspirations. It is apparent her husband does not understand them or support them. Now you are right that maybe she and her husband want different things, but that doesn't make her wrong. 

I get tired of the old notion that women shouldnt aspire towards great careers. Limiting themselves and putting their entire focus on the marriage has left many women divorced and broke with no way to earn a decent living. I've seen this firsthand. 

I do agree with the posters who say she needs a balance, though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Destind4more (Sep 12, 2012)

Tennisstar - I agree with you. I have friends that were the "good wife" stay at home mom, supporting her man while he becomes successful then he turns around and leaves her for the trophy wife.

I think this post began making the assumption that my husband is threatened by a strong woman, this is not the case. If I were in his industry and I worked over time hours and got paid more, he would understand. The issue is that he doesn't understand the dynamic of working smart for a short period of time and getting the payoff in the long run.


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## shenox (Sep 12, 2012)

I think your husband has nothing wrong. Maybe you both can go together.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

D4M, I presume that children won't fit into your career someday either? If so, what kind of childcare arrangements have you and your H discussed? Maybe he is feeling like he will never be able to have children, or if he does he will be the one stuck sacrificing his role as an income earner to be a SAHD, while you get to continue taking all the time you want to further your career. Depending on his values that can be very emasculating.

ps. actually I just reread your OP and saw that you already have a child, how old and who takes care of him/her?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Destind4more said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> I'm so happy I found this board. Even though my post is more of a vent than a question I hope to gain as much feedback as possible.
> 
> ...


First of all, (and please don't take offense) you pointed out early that he is a factory worker while you are a professional. Then you mention that as a production worker he does not get the "business" side of an enterprise. You simply cannot assume that he does not get it based on his occupation.

It's true that some "line" workers don't get it. I've known people who work hourly 9-5 jobs where you follow a procedure and go home. They could not understand how I - a salaried professional - could be responsible for an outcome instead of a process. Then again, I've known very intelligent blue collar workers who not only get business management but either know their limitations or just don't want the hassle.

So, with that all said, you should assume that he does get it but is not completely on board with it for some reason:

* Did you get his input on your entrepeneurship intent, or did you just spring it on him? You guys are married and this impacts both of you.

* How are finances? Getting a business off the ground takes money and, if you have a good salary, it likely will take several years to get back to your old salary. How are you going to finance that earnings gap? Are you expecting him to cover it? Did you guys deplete yourselves for the wedding?

* What is the end goal for your business? Are you a "lifestyle entrepeneur" looking to not work too hard, or do you want to make more money and improve your lives? Are you going to be home every night, or more of a traveling consultant?

My guess is he is feeling minimized. He wants a certain level of input into things that impact you both in a major way. Maybe it's that he wants to solidy your marriage and spend more time with you, and he perceives that you are already de-prioritizing him. Maybe he is feeling taken for granted - now that you are married he can support you while you "do your thing".

My suggestion is that you demonstrate to him how this will be a positive for him and the relationship. If it will allow you to work less and be with him more after you are established, demonstrate that. If you will make more and can lead a better life, show that also and see whether he feels that having you around less is worth it.

And honestly, if you cannot demonstrate some benefit to him (and I don't mean "don't you want me to be happy") then you may want to rethink your plan.


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

My husband and I are both driven and are in the process of establishing demanding careers, very different ones. And even still, when we should both be in the best possibile place to understand the needs of the other to take time to pursue their career, sometimes work at home, sometimes socialize to network — sometimes even we start thinking: "Why is it that your work always comes first? Pay attention to me! Spend time with me!"

We have sometimes dealt with this badly, sometimes better, but when we're done it right, it's gone something like this: 
(1) When he is complaining abour your work being too much, stop — and listen. He is saying it because he's missing your attention or presence, it doesn't help to ignore or brush him off when he does that. 
(2) Don't just listen to the words, but the feeling. He feels abandoned. He feels lonely. He misses you. He feels bored. He feels overburdened with taking care of the house/your child. Or maybe something else? Know what he is feeling — so you can know how to respond and react to it. 
(3) Don't drop your work from his every complaint, but do make sure that you accommodate the feelings he has raised with you. Make time for sex and togetherness. Get someone to watch the child so he can go out while your out too. Set limits for working at home. Whatever is the problem, offer some solution. If all you do is work, and all he does is accommodate, then he is bound to become resentful, even if it's just temporary. (And I know this for a _fact_. Avoid making our mistakes!)

I wish you success with your career. I know how hard it can be to be starting a new business and I know it takes a tremendous amount of time and energy. Give it your best shot, but don't let it take over your life. No matter how rewarding, work is not everything. Relationships, love and family are also important, and to maintain them you need to nourish them in the _now_.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

tennisstar said:


> I never said that, nor do I think this. I didn't like the way you were making her feel her husband's thoughts were normal and something was wrong with her. Some husbands understand and support their wife's career aspirations. It is apparent her husband does not understand them or support them. Now you are right that maybe she and her husband want different things, but that doesn't make her wrong.
> 
> *I get tired of the old notion that women shouldnt aspire towards great careers. Limiting themselves and putting their entire focus on the marriage has left many women divorced and broke with no way to earn a decent living. I've seen this firsthand. *
> 
> ...


:iagree: I would also like to add that my marriage should not be the only thing to bring a woman emotional satisfaction. In this day and age, wives need to have careers so that they can feel a sense of accomplishment and support themselves if need be. Love doesn't always last forever.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

:scratchhead: Very good posts here, stuff to think about.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

DTO said:


> *My guess is he is feeling minimized*. He wants a certain level of input into things that impact you both in a major way. Maybe it's that he wants to solidy your marriage and spend more time with you, and he perceives that you are already de-prioritizing him. Maybe he is feeling taken for granted - now that you are married he can support you while you "do your thing".


This. It is very hard for most men to see their wife developing on a higher level. He can't compete with the work, the money, the more qualified male collegues, the (presumed) _better men_.

Many relations where this is an issue seem to end in divorce. So it's a serious issue.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

C3156 said:


> As a man, it can be hard to reconcil that my wife may be more successful than I am. Sort of a old school view of things, but that may be one of the reasons your husband has trouble. He does not want to be minimized by you, kind of threatens his manhood if you know what I mean.


This is the problem, it is not an issue of old school or modern views on man-woman relation. 

The problem is that regardless of the opinion of the male, how modern even, he _feels_ bad about it. These feelings of inadequacy just are there, it not his ration brain that provides him with them.

The 'wanting to leave after 20 minutes' issue indicates feeling of less value then the other persons, feeling of not being on his place.

The question is then, does he still feel at his place in your company??


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## Destind4more (Sep 12, 2012)

DTO said:


> First of all, (and please don't take offense) you pointed out early that he is a factory worker while you are a professional. Then you mention that as a production worker he does not get the "business" side of an enterprise. You simply cannot assume that he does not get it based on his occupation.
> 
> I do not assume ALL production workers don't get it, I said HE doesn't get it by the way he asks questions and disagrees when I tell him the answer. Like his view that interns are being taken advantage of...this let's me know that he doesn't see past the "work an hour, get paid for an hour" concept.
> 
> ...



I see your point, but the only way to demonstrate the benefits will happen over time. I can't tell him I have to show him.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

> The positive (other than increased income) is my happiness. My business is also my passion, and my day job is just a way to earn a living. My current career doesn't fulfill me.


Does he understand this? I think this is the key. You said he is supportive, I would emphasize this angle.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Hicks said:


> You have a choice, to be a good wife to this man or a good business person. What do you want in life?


false choice.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Destind4more said:


> I see your point, but the only way to demonstrate the benefits will happen over time. I can't tell him I have to show him.


Thanks for the responses.

To me, your responses still give the impression that he fears being marginalized. It is possible for him to agree with your vision yet sweat the details. I am noting this unhappiness with you bringing work home but not with staying late at the office. 

To me this is not so much a person who expects "an hour's pay for an hour's work". This is a person who is frustrated that your work has cut into what he expects to be his time. He expects you to be choosier about your commitments and cut out some stuff in your life to make time for him. IMO this is no different than when wives complain about their men ignoring them and being married to their jobs.

You've tried telling him how this important is to you. I suggest you tell him (if you have not done so yet) that you intend to make his needs a priority while building a business. Assure him that you will still be home for dinner most nights, have your weekends free for the family, ML with him 3x per week, etc.

And, if you cannot assure this, you need to be upfront about it. By your own admission, the main goal is your satisfaction. So, you might be thrilled at working for yourself 70-80 hours a week (which is not unlikely, given the demands of going to training/ seminars, building a book of business, managing staff, dealing with administrative issues, and actually doing billable work). But he might not be if all he gets are scraps of your time. 

You can't assume that you being happy is going to make it worth it for him. If you intend to balance your career with his needs, tell him so. If you expect to prioritize yourself, he needs to know. Your career choice is valid. But, he might choose to be with someone willing and able to prioritize him.


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